diff options
Diffstat (limited to 'old/cprfd10.txt')
| -rw-r--r-- | old/cprfd10.txt | 40823 |
1 files changed, 0 insertions, 40823 deletions
diff --git a/old/cprfd10.txt b/old/cprfd10.txt deleted file mode 100644 index f3522ce..0000000 --- a/old/cprfd10.txt +++ /dev/null @@ -1,40823 +0,0 @@ -Project Gutenberg Etext of David Copperfield, by Charles Dickens -#14 in our series by Charles Dickens - - -Copyright laws are changing all over the world, be sure to check -the copyright laws for your country before posting these files!! - -Please take a look at the important information in this header. -We encourage you to keep this file on your own disk, keeping an -electronic path open for the next readers. Do not remove this. - - -**Welcome To The World of Free Plain Vanilla Electronic Texts** - -**Etexts Readable By Both Humans and By Computers, Since 1971** - -*These Etexts Prepared By Hundreds of Volunteers and Donations* - -Information on contacting Project Gutenberg to get Etexts, and -further information is included below. We need your donations. - - -David Copperfield - -by Charles Dickens - -December, 1996 [Etext #766] -[Date last updated: July 15, 2006] - - -Project Gutenberg Etext of David Copperfield, by Charles Dickens -*****This file should be named cprfd10.txt or cprfd10.zip****** - -Corrected EDITIONS of our etexts get a new NUMBER, cprfd11.txt. -VERSIONS based on separate sources get new LETTER, cprfd10a.txt. - - -This etext was created by Jo Churcher, Scarborough, Ontario -(jchurche@io.org) - - -We are now trying to release all our books one month in advance -of the official release dates, for time for better editing. - -Please note: neither this list nor its contents are final till -midnight of the last day of the month of any such announcement. -The official release date of all Project Gutenberg Etexts is at -Midnight, Central Time, of the last day of the stated month. A -preliminary version may often be posted for suggestion, comment -and editing by those who wish to do so. To be sure you have an -up to date first edition [xxxxx10x.xxx] please check file sizes -in the first week of the next month. Since our ftp program has -a bug in it that scrambles the date [tried to fix and failed] a -look at the file size will have to do, but we will try to see a -new copy has at least one byte more or less. - -Information about Project Gutenberg (one page) - -We produce about two million dollars for each hour we work. The -fifty hours is one conservative estimate for how long it we take -to get any etext selected, entered, proofread, edited, copyright -searched and analyzed, the copyright letters written, etc. This -projected audience is one hundred million readers. If our value -per text is nominally estimated at one dollar then we produce $2 -million dollars per hour this year as we release thirty-two text -files per month: or 400 more Etexts in 1996 for a total of 800. -If these reach just 10% of the computerized population, then the -total should reach 80 billion Etexts. - -The Goal of Project Gutenberg is to Give Away One Trillion Etext -Files by the December 31, 2001. [10,000 x 100,000,000=Trillion] -This is ten thousand titles each to one hundred million readers, -which is only 10% of the present number of computer users. 2001 -should have at least twice as many computer users as that, so it -will require us reaching less than 5% of the users in 2001. - - -We need your donations more than ever! - - -All donations should be made to "Project Gutenberg/BU": and are -tax deductible to the extent allowable by law. (BU = Benedictine -University). (Subscriptions to our paper newsletter go to BU.) - -For these and other matters, please mail to: - -Project Gutenberg -P. O. Box 2782 -Champaign, IL 61825 - -When all other email fails try our Executive Director: -Michael S. Hart <hart@pobox.com> - -We would prefer to send you this information by email -(Internet, Bitnet, Compuserve, ATTMAIL or MCImail). - -****** -If you have an FTP program (or emulator), please -FTP directly to the Project Gutenberg archives: -[Mac users, do NOT point and click. . .type] - -ftp uiarchive.cso.uiuc.edu -login: anonymous -password: your@login -cd etext/etext90 through /etext96 -or cd etext/articles [get suggest gut for more information] -dir [to see files] -get or mget [to get files. . .set bin for zip files] -GET INDEX?00.GUT -for a list of books -and -GET NEW GUT for general information -and -MGET GUT* for newsletters. - -**Information prepared by the Project Gutenberg legal advisor** -(Three Pages) - - -***START**THE SMALL PRINT!**FOR PUBLIC DOMAIN ETEXTS**START*** -Why is this "Small Print!" statement here? You know: lawyers. -They tell us you might sue us if there is something wrong with -your copy of this etext, even if you got it for free from -someone other than us, and even if what's wrong is not our -fault. So, among other things, this "Small Print!" statement -disclaims most of our liability to you. It also tells you how -you can distribute copies of this etext if you want to. - -*BEFORE!* YOU USE OR READ THIS ETEXT -By using or reading any part of this PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm -etext, you indicate that you understand, agree to and accept -this "Small Print!" statement. If you do not, you can receive -a refund of the money (if any) you paid for this etext by -sending a request within 30 days of receiving it to the person -you got it from. If you received this etext on a physical -medium (such as a disk), you must return it with your request. - -ABOUT PROJECT GUTENBERG-TM ETEXTS -This PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm etext, like most PROJECT GUTENBERG- -tm etexts, is a "public domain" work distributed by Professor -Michael S. Hart through the Project Gutenberg Association at -Benedictine University (the "Project"). Among other -things, this means that no one owns a United States copyright -on or for this work, so the Project (and you!) can copy and -distribute it in the United States without permission and -without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, set forth -below, apply if you wish to copy and distribute this etext -under the Project's "PROJECT GUTENBERG" trademark. - -To create these etexts, the Project expends considerable -efforts to identify, transcribe and proofread public domain -works. Despite these efforts, the Project's etexts and any -medium they may be on may contain "Defects". Among other -things, Defects may take the form of incomplete, inaccurate or -corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other -intellectual property infringement, a defective or damaged -disk or other etext medium, a computer virus, or computer -codes that damage or cannot be read by your equipment. - -LIMITED WARRANTY; DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES -But for the "Right of Replacement or Refund" described below, -[1] the Project (and any other party you may receive this -etext from as a PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm etext) disclaims all -liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including -legal fees, and [2] YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE OR -UNDER STRICT LIABILITY, OR FOR BREACH OF WARRANTY OR CONTRACT, -INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE -OR INCIDENTAL DAMAGES, EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE -POSSIBILITY OF SUCH DAMAGES. - -If you discover a Defect in this etext within 90 days of -receiving it, you can receive a refund of the money (if any) -you paid for it by sending an explanatory note within that -time to the person you received it from. If you received it -on a physical medium, you must return it with your note, and -such person may choose to alternatively give you a replacement -copy. If you received it electronically, such person may -choose to alternatively give you a second opportunity to -receive it electronically. - -THIS ETEXT IS OTHERWISE PROVIDED TO YOU "AS-IS". NO OTHER -WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, ARE MADE TO YOU AS -TO THE ETEXT OR ANY MEDIUM IT MAY BE ON, INCLUDING BUT NOT -LIMITED TO WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY OR FITNESS FOR A -PARTICULAR PURPOSE. - -Some states do not allow disclaimers of implied warranties or -the exclusion or limitation of consequential damages, so the -above disclaimers and exclusions may not apply to you, and you -may have other legal rights. - -INDEMNITY -You will indemnify and hold the Project, its directors, -officers, members and agents harmless from all liability, cost -and expense, including legal fees, that arise directly or -indirectly from any of the following that you do or cause: -[1] distribution of this etext, [2] alteration, modification, -or addition to the etext, or [3] any Defect. - -DISTRIBUTION UNDER "PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm" -You may distribute copies of this etext electronically, or by -disk, book or any other medium if you either delete this -"Small Print!" and all other references to Project Gutenberg, -or: - -[1] Only give exact copies of it. Among other things, this - requires that you do not remove, alter or modify the - etext or this "small print!" statement. You may however, - if you wish, distribute this etext in machine readable - binary, compressed, mark-up, or proprietary form, - including any form resulting from conversion by word pro- - cessing or hypertext software, but only so long as - *EITHER*: - [*] The etext, when displayed, is clearly readable, and - does *not* contain characters other than those - intended by the author of the work, although tilde - (~), asterisk (*) and underline (_) characters may - be used to convey punctuation intended by the - author, and additional characters may be used to - indicate hypertext links; OR - - [*] The etext may be readily converted by the reader at - no expense into plain ASCII, EBCDIC or equivalent - form by the program that displays the etext (as is - the case, for instance, with most word processors); - OR - - [*] You provide, or agree to also provide on request at - no additional cost, fee or expense, a copy of the - etext in its original plain ASCII form (or in EBCDIC - or other equivalent proprietary form). - -[2] Honor the etext refund and replacement provisions of this - "Small Print!" statement. - -[3] Pay a trademark license fee to the Project of 20% of the - net profits you derive calculated using the method you - already use to calculate your applicable taxes. If you - don't derive profits, no royalty is due. Royalties are - payable to "Project Gutenberg Association / Benedictine - University" within the 60 days following each - date you prepare (or were legally required to prepare) - your annual (or equivalent periodic) tax return. - -WHAT IF YOU *WANT* TO SEND MONEY EVEN IF YOU DON'T HAVE TO? -The Project gratefully accepts contributions in money, time, -scanning machines, OCR software, public domain etexts, royalty -free copyright licenses, and every other sort of contribution -you can think of. Money should be paid to "Project Gutenberg -Association / Benedictine University". - -*END*THE SMALL PRINT! FOR PUBLIC DOMAIN ETEXTS*Ver.04.29.93*END* - - - - - -DAVID COPPERFIELD - - -by CHARLES DICKENS - - - -AFFECTIONATELY INSCRIBED TO -THE HON. Mr. AND Mrs. RICHARD WATSON, -OF ROCKINGHAM, NORTHAMPTONSHIRE. - - - -CONTENTS - - -I. I Am Born -II. I Observe -III. I Have a Change -IV. I Fall into Disgrace -V. I Am Sent Away -VI. I Enlarge My Circle of Acquaintance -VII. My 'First Half' at Salem House -VIII. My Holidays. Especially One Happy Afternoon -IX. I Have a Memorable Birthday -X. I Become Neglected, and Am Provided For -XI. I Begin Life on My Own Account, and Don't Like It -XII. Liking Life on My Own Account No Better, I Form a Great Resolution -XIII. The Sequel of My Resolution -XIV. My Aunt Makes up Her Mind About Me -XV. I Make Another Beginning -XVI. I Am a New Boy in More Senses Than One -XVII. Somebody Turns Up -XVIII. A Retrospect -XIX. I Look About Me and Make a Discovery -XX. Steerforth's Home -XXI. Little Em'ly -XXII. Some Old Scenes, and Some New People -XXIII. I Corroborate Mr. Dick, and Choose a Profession -XXIV. My First Dissipation -XXV. Good and Bad Angels -XXVI. I Fall into Captivity -XXVII. Tommy Traddles -XXVIII. Mr. Micawber's Gauntlet -XXIX. I Visit Steerforth at His Home, Again -XXX. A Loss -XXXI. A Greater Loss -XXXII. The Beginning of a Long Journey -XXXIII. Blissful -XXXIV. My Aunt Astonishes Me -XXXV. Depression -XXXVI. Enthusiasm -XXXVII. A Little Cold Water -XXXVIII. A Dissolution of Partnership -XXXIX. Wickfield and Heep -XL. The Wanderer -XLI. Dora's Aunts -XLII. Mischief -XLIII. Another Retrospect -XLIV. Our Housekeeping -XLV. Mr. Dick Fulfils My Aunt's Predictions -XLVI. Intelligence -XLVII. Martha -XLVIII. Domestic -XLIX. I Am Involved in Mystery -L. Mr. Peggotty's Dream Comes True -LI. The Beginning of a Longer Journey -LII. I Assist at an Explosion -LIII. Another Retrospect -LIV. Mr. Micawber's Transactions -LV. Tempest -LVI. The New Wound, and the Old -LVII. The Emigrants -LVIII. Absence -LIX. Return -LX. Agnes -LXI. I Am Shown Two Interesting Penitents -LXII. A Light Shines on My Way -LXIII. A Visitor -LXIV. A Last Retrospect - - - - -PREFACE TO 1850 EDITION - - -I do not find it easy to get sufficiently far away from this Book, -in the first sensations of having finished it, to refer to it with -the composure which this formal heading would seem to require. My -interest in it, is so recent and strong; and my mind is so divided -between pleasure and regret - pleasure in the achievement of a long -design, regret in the separation from many companions - that I am -in danger of wearying the reader whom I love, with personal -confidences, and private emotions. - -Besides which, all that I could say of the Story, to any purpose, -I have endeavoured to say in it. - -It would concern the reader little, perhaps, to know, how -sorrowfully the pen is laid down at the close of a two-years' -imaginative task; or how an Author feels as if he were dismissing -some portion of himself into the shadowy world, when a crowd of the -creatures of his brain are going from him for ever. Yet, I have -nothing else to tell; unless, indeed, I were to confess (which -might be of less moment still) that no one can ever believe this -Narrative, in the reading, more than I have believed it in the -writing. - -Instead of looking back, therefore, I will look forward. I cannot -close this Volume more agreeably to myself, than with a hopeful -glance towards the time when I shall again put forth my two green -leaves once a month, and with a faithful remembrance of the genial -sun and showers that have fallen on these leaves of David -Copperfield, and made me happy. - London, October, 1850. - - -PREFACE TO -THE CHARLES DICKENS EDITION - - -I REMARKED in the original Preface to this Book, that I did not -find it easy to get sufficiently far away from it, in the first -sensations of having finished it, to refer to it with the composure -which this formal heading would seem to require. My interest in it -was so recent and strong, and my mind was so divided between -pleasure and regret - pleasure in the achievement of a long design, -regret in the separation from many companions - that I was in -danger of wearying the reader with personal confidences and private -emotions. - -Besides which, all that I could have said of the Story to any -purpose, I had endeavoured to say in it. - -It would concern the reader little, perhaps, to know how -sorrowfully the pen is laid down at the close of a two-years' -imaginative task; or how an Author feels as if he were dismissing -some portion of himself into the shadowy world, when a crowd of the -creatures of his brain are going from him for ever. Yet, I had -nothing else to tell; unless, indeed, I were to confess (which -might be of less moment still), that no one can ever believe this -Narrative, in the reading, more than I believed it in the writing. - -So true are these avowals at the present day, that I can now only -take the reader into one confidence more. Of all my books, I like -this the best. It will be easily believed that I am a fond parent -to every child of my fancy, and that no one can ever love that -family as dearly as I love them. But, like many fond parents, I -have in my heart of hearts a favourite child. And his name is -DAVID COPPERFIELD. - 1869 - - - - -THE PERSONAL HISTORY AND -EXPERIENCE OF -DAVID COPPERFIELD THE YOUNGER - - - -CHAPTER 1 -I AM BORN - - - -Whether I shall turn out to be the hero of my own life, or whether -that station will be held by anybody else, these pages must show. -To begin my life with the beginning of my life, I record that I was -born (as I have been informed and believe) on a Friday, at twelve -o'clock at night. It was remarked that the clock began to strike, -and I began to cry, simultaneously. - -In consideration of the day and hour of my birth, it was declared -by the nurse, and by some sage women in the neighbourhood who had -taken a lively interest in me several months before there was any -possibility of our becoming personally acquainted, first, that I -was destined to be unlucky in life; and secondly, that I was -privileged to see ghosts and spirits; both these gifts inevitably -attaching, as they believed, to all unlucky infants of either -gender, born towards the small hours on a Friday night. - -I need say nothing here, on the first head, because nothing can -show better than my history whether that prediction was verified or -falsified by the result. On the second branch of the question, I -will only remark, that unless I ran through that part of my -inheritance while I was still a baby, I have not come into it yet. -But I do not at all complain of having been kept out of this -property; and if anybody else should be in the present enjoyment of -it, he is heartily welcome to keep it. - -I was born with a caul, which was advertised for sale, in the -newspapers, at the low price of fifteen guineas. Whether sea-going -people were short of money about that time, or were short of faith -and preferred cork jackets, I don't know; all I know is, that there -was but one solitary bidding, and that was from an attorney -connected with the bill-broking business, who offered two pounds in -cash, and the balance in sherry, but declined to be guaranteed from -drowning on any higher bargain. Consequently the advertisement was -withdrawn at a dead loss - for as to sherry, my poor dear mother's -own sherry was in the market then - and ten years afterwards, the -caul was put up in a raffle down in our part of the country, to -fifty members at half-a-crown a head, the winner to spend five -shillings. I was present myself, and I remember to have felt quite -uncomfortable and confused, at a part of myself being disposed of -in that way. The caul was won, I recollect, by an old lady with a -hand-basket, who, very reluctantly, produced from it the stipulated -five shillings, all in halfpence, and twopence halfpenny short - as -it took an immense time and a great waste of arithmetic, to -endeavour without any effect to prove to her. It is a fact which -will be long remembered as remarkable down there, that she was -never drowned, but died triumphantly in bed, at ninety-two. I have -understood that it was, to the last, her proudest boast, that she -never had been on the water in her life, except upon a bridge; and -that over her tea (to which she was extremely partial) she, to the -last, expressed her indignation at the impiety of mariners and -others, who had the presumption to go 'meandering' about the world. -It was in vain to represent to her that some conveniences, tea -perhaps included, resulted from this objectionable practice. She -always returned, with greater emphasis and with an instinctive -knowledge of the strength of her objection, 'Let us have no -meandering.' - -Not to meander myself, at present, I will go back to my birth. - -I was born at Blunderstone, in Suffolk, or 'there by', as they say -in Scotland. I was a posthumous child. My father's eyes had -closed upon the light of this world six months, when mine opened on -it. There is something strange to me, even now, in the reflection -that he never saw me; and something stranger yet in the shadowy -remembrance that I have of my first childish associations with his -white grave-stone in the churchyard, and of the indefinable -compassion I used to feel for it lying out alone there in the dark -night, when our little parlour was warm and bright with fire and -candle, and the doors of our house were - almost cruelly, it seemed -to me sometimes - bolted and locked against it. - -An aunt of my father's, and consequently a great-aunt of mine, of -whom I shall have more to relate by and by, was the principal -magnate of our family. Miss Trotwood, or Miss Betsey, as my poor -mother always called her, when she sufficiently overcame her dread -of this formidable personage to mention her at all (which was -seldom), had been married to a husband younger than herself, who -was very handsome, except in the sense of the homely adage, -'handsome is, that handsome does' - for he was strongly suspected -of having beaten Miss Betsey, and even of having once, on a -disputed question of supplies, made some hasty but determined -arrangements to throw her out of a two pair of stairs' window. -These evidences of an incompatibility of temper induced Miss Betsey -to pay him off, and effect a separation by mutual consent. He went -to India with his capital, and there, according to a wild legend in -our family, he was once seen riding on an elephant, in company with -a Baboon; but I think it must have been a Baboo - or a Begum. -Anyhow, from India tidings of his death reached home, within ten -years. How they affected my aunt, nobody knew; for immediately -upon the separation, she took her maiden name again, bought a -cottage in a hamlet on the sea-coast a long way off, established -herself there as a single woman with one servant, and was -understood to live secluded, ever afterwards, in an inflexible -retirement. - -My father had once been a favourite of hers, I believe; but she was -mortally affronted by his marriage, on the ground that my mother -was 'a wax doll'. She had never seen my mother, but she knew her -to be not yet twenty. My father and Miss Betsey never met again. -He was double my mother's age when he married, and of but a -delicate constitution. He died a year afterwards, and, as I have -said, six months before I came into the world. - -This was the state of matters, on the afternoon of, what I may be -excused for calling, that eventful and important Friday. I can -make no claim therefore to have known, at that time, how matters -stood; or to have any remembrance, founded on the evidence of my -own senses, of what follows. - -My mother was sitting by the fire, but poorly in health, and very -low in spirits, looking at it through her tears, and desponding -heavily about herself and the fatherless little stranger, who was -already welcomed by some grosses of prophetic pins, in a drawer -upstairs, to a world not at all excited on the subject of his -arrival; my mother, I say, was sitting by the fire, that bright, -windy March afternoon, very timid and sad, and very doubtful of -ever coming alive out of the trial that was before her, when, -lifting her eyes as she dried them, to the window opposite, she saw -a strange lady coming up the garden. - -MY mother had a sure foreboding at the second glance, that it was -Miss Betsey. The setting sun was glowing on the strange lady, over -the garden-fence, and she came walking up to the door with a fell -rigidity of figure and composure of countenance that could have -belonged to nobody else. - -When she reached the house, she gave another proof of her identity. -My father had often hinted that she seldom conducted herself like -any ordinary Christian; and now, instead of ringing the bell, she -came and looked in at that identical window, pressing the end of -her nose against the glass to that extent, that my poor dear mother -used to say it became perfectly flat and white in a moment. - -She gave my mother such a turn, that I have always been convinced -I am indebted to Miss Betsey for having been born on a Friday. - -My mother had left her chair in her agitation, and gone behind it -in the corner. Miss Betsey, looking round the room, slowly and -inquiringly, began on the other side, and carried her eyes on, like -a Saracen's Head in a Dutch clock, until they reached my mother. -Then she made a frown and a gesture to my mother, like one who was -accustomed to be obeyed, to come and open the door. My mother -went. - -'Mrs. David Copperfield, I think,' said Miss Betsey; the emphasis -referring, perhaps, to my mother's mourning weeds, and her -condition. - -'Yes,' said my mother, faintly. - -'Miss Trotwood,' said the visitor. 'You have heard of her, I dare -say?' - -My mother answered she had had that pleasure. And she had a -disagreeable consciousness of not appearing to imply that it had -been an overpowering pleasure. - -'Now you see her,' said Miss Betsey. My mother bent her head, and -begged her to walk in. - -They went into the parlour my mother had come from, the fire in the -best room on the other side of the passage not being lighted - not -having been lighted, indeed, since my father's funeral; and when -they were both seated, and Miss Betsey said nothing, my mother, -after vainly trying to restrain herself, began to cry. -'Oh tut, tut, tut!' said Miss Betsey, in a hurry. 'Don't do that! -Come, come!' - -My mother couldn't help it notwithstanding, so she cried until she -had had her cry out. - -'Take off your cap, child,' said Miss Betsey, 'and let me see you.' - -MY mother was too much afraid of her to refuse compliance with this -odd request, if she had any disposition to do so. Therefore she -did as she was told, and did it with such nervous hands that her -hair (which was luxuriant and beautiful) fell all about her face. - -'Why, bless my heart!' exclaimed Miss Betsey. 'You are a very -Baby!' - -My mother was, no doubt, unusually youthful in appearance even for -her years; she hung her head, as if it were her fault, poor thing, -and said, sobbing, that indeed she was afraid she was but a -childish widow, and would be but a childish mother if she lived. -In a short pause which ensued, she had a fancy that she felt Miss -Betsey touch her hair, and that with no ungentle hand; but, looking -at her, in her timid hope, she found that lady sitting with the -skirt of her dress tucked up, her hands folded on one knee, and her -feet upon the fender, frowning at the fire. - -'In the name of Heaven,' said Miss Betsey, suddenly, 'why Rookery?' - -'Do you mean the house, ma'am?' asked my mother. - -'Why Rookery?' said Miss Betsey. 'Cookery would have been more to -the purpose, if you had had any practical ideas of life, either of -you.' - -'The name was Mr. Copperfield's choice,' returned my mother. 'When -he bought the house, he liked to think that there were rooks about -it.' - -The evening wind made such a disturbance just now, among some tall -old elm-trees at the bottom of the garden, that neither my mother -nor Miss Betsey could forbear glancing that way. As the elms bent -to one another, like giants who were whispering secrets, and after -a few seconds of such repose, fell into a violent flurry, tossing -their wild arms about, as if their late confidences were really too -wicked for their peace of mind, some weatherbeaten ragged old -rooks'-nests, burdening their higher branches, swung like wrecks -upon a stormy sea. - -'Where are the birds?' asked Miss Betsey. - -'The -?' My mother had been thinking of something else. - -'The rooks - what has become of them?' asked Miss Betsey. - -'There have not been any since we have lived here,' said my mother. -'We thought - Mr. Copperfield thought - it was quite a large -rookery; but the nests were very old ones, and the birds have -deserted them a long while.' - -'David Copperfield all over!' cried Miss Betsey. 'David -Copperfield from head to foot! Calls a house a rookery when -there's not a rook near it, and takes the birds on trust, because -he sees the nests!' - -'Mr. Copperfield,' returned my mother, 'is dead, and if you dare to -speak unkindly of him to me -' - -My poor dear mother, I suppose, had some momentary intention of -committing an assault and battery upon my aunt, who could easily -have settled her with one hand, even if my mother had been in far -better training for such an encounter than she was that evening. -But it passed with the action of rising from her chair; and she sat -down again very meekly, and fainted. - -When she came to herself, or when Miss Betsey had restored her, -whichever it was, she found the latter standing at the window. The -twilight was by this time shading down into darkness; and dimly as -they saw each other, they could not have done that without the aid -of the fire. - -'Well?' said Miss Betsey, coming back to her chair, as if she had -only been taking a casual look at the prospect; 'and when do you -expect -' - -'I am all in a tremble,' faltered my mother. 'I don't know what's -the matter. I shall die, I am sure!' - -'No, no, no,' said Miss Betsey. 'Have some tea.' - -'Oh dear me, dear me, do you think it will do me any good?' cried -my mother in a helpless manner. - -'Of course it will,' said Miss Betsey. 'It's nothing but fancy. -What do you call your girl?' - -'I don't know that it will be a girl, yet, ma'am,' said my mother -innocently. - -'Bless the Baby!' exclaimed Miss Betsey, unconsciously quoting the -second sentiment of the pincushion in the drawer upstairs, but -applying it to my mother instead of me, 'I don't mean that. I mean -your servant-girl.' - -'Peggotty,' said my mother. - -'Peggotty!' repeated Miss Betsey, with some indignation. 'Do you -mean to say, child, that any human being has gone into a Christian -church, and got herself named Peggotty?' -'It's her surname,' said my mother, faintly. 'Mr. Copperfield -called her by it, because her Christian name was the same as mine.' - -'Here! Peggotty!' cried Miss Betsey, opening the parlour door. -'Tea. Your mistress is a little unwell. Don't dawdle.' - -Having issued this mandate with as much potentiality as if she had -been a recognized authority in the house ever since it had been a -house, and having looked out to confront the amazed Peggotty coming -along the passage with a candle at the sound of a strange voice, -Miss Betsey shut the door again, and sat down as before: with her -feet on the fender, the skirt of her dress tucked up, and her hands -folded on one knee. - -'You were speaking about its being a girl,' said Miss Betsey. 'I -have no doubt it will be a girl. I have a presentiment that it -must be a girl. Now child, from the moment of the birth of this -girl -' - -'Perhaps boy,' my mother took the liberty of putting in. - -'I tell you I have a presentiment that it must be a girl,' returned -Miss Betsey. 'Don't contradict. From the moment of this girl's -birth, child, I intend to be her friend. I intend to be her -godmother, and I beg you'll call her Betsey Trotwood Copperfield. -There must be no mistakes in life with THIS Betsey Trotwood. There -must be no trifling with HER affections, poor dear. She must be -well brought up, and well guarded from reposing any foolish -confidences where they are not deserved. I must make that MY -care.' - -There was a twitch of Miss Betsey's head, after each of these -sentences, as if her own old wrongs were working within her, and -she repressed any plainer reference to them by strong constraint. -So my mother suspected, at least, as she observed her by the low -glimmer of the fire: too much scared by Miss Betsey, too uneasy in -herself, and too subdued and bewildered altogether, to observe -anything very clearly, or to know what to say. - -'And was David good to you, child?' asked Miss Betsey, when she had -been silent for a little while, and these motions of her head had -gradually ceased. 'Were you comfortable together?' - -'We were very happy,' said my mother. 'Mr. Copperfield was only -too good to me.' - -'What, he spoilt you, I suppose?' returned Miss Betsey. - -'For being quite alone and dependent on myself in this rough world -again, yes, I fear he did indeed,' sobbed my mother. - -'Well! Don't cry!' said Miss Betsey. 'You were not equally -matched, child - if any two people can be equally matched - and so -I asked the question. You were an orphan, weren't you?' -'Yes.' - -'And a governess?' - -'I was nursery-governess in a family where Mr. Copperfield came to -visit. Mr. Copperfield was very kind to me, and took a great deal -of notice of me, and paid me a good deal of attention, and at last -proposed to me. And I accepted him. And so we were married,' said -my mother simply. - -'Ha! Poor Baby!' mused Miss Betsey, with her frown still bent upon -the fire. 'Do you know anything?' - -'I beg your pardon, ma'am,' faltered my mother. - -'About keeping house, for instance,' said Miss Betsey. - -'Not much, I fear,' returned my mother. 'Not so much as I could -wish. But Mr. Copperfield was teaching me -' - -('Much he knew about it himself!') said Miss Betsey in a -parenthesis. - -- 'And I hope I should have improved, being very anxious to learn, -and he very patient to teach me, if the great misfortune of his -death' - my mother broke down again here, and could get no farther. - -'Well, well!' said Miss Betsey. - --'I kept my housekeeping-book regularly, and balanced it with Mr. -Copperfield every night,' cried my mother in another burst of -distress, and breaking down again. - -'Well, well!' said Miss Betsey. 'Don't cry any more.' - -- 'And I am sure we never had a word of difference respecting it, -except when Mr. Copperfield objected to my threes and fives being -too much like each other, or to my putting curly tails to my sevens -and nines,' resumed my mother in another burst, and breaking down -again. - -'You'll make yourself ill,' said Miss Betsey, 'and you know that -will not be good either for you or for my god-daughter. Come! You -mustn't do it!' - -This argument had some share in quieting my mother, though her -increasing indisposition had a larger one. There was an interval -of silence, only broken by Miss Betsey's occasionally ejaculating -'Ha!' as she sat with her feet upon the fender. - -'David had bought an annuity for himself with his money, I know,' -said she, by and by. 'What did he do for you?' - -'Mr. Copperfield,' said my mother, answering with some difficulty, -'was so considerate and good as to secure the reversion of a part -of it to me.' - -'How much?' asked Miss Betsey. - -'A hundred and five pounds a year,' said my mother. - -'He might have done worse,' said my aunt. - -The word was appropriate to the moment. My mother was so much -worse that Peggotty, coming in with the teaboard and candles, and -seeing at a glance how ill she was, - as Miss Betsey might have -done sooner if there had been light enough, - conveyed her upstairs -to her own room with all speed; and immediately dispatched Ham -Peggotty, her nephew, who had been for some days past secreted in -the house, unknown to my mother, as a special messenger in case of -emergency, to fetch the nurse and doctor. - -Those allied powers were considerably astonished, when they arrived -within a few minutes of each other, to find an unknown lady of -portentous appearance, sitting before the fire, with her bonnet -tied over her left arm, stopping her ears with jewellers' cotton. -Peggotty knowing nothing about her, and my mother saying nothing -about her, she was quite a mystery in the parlour; and the fact of -her having a magazine of jewellers' cotton in her pocket, and -sticking the article in her ears in that way, did not detract from -the solemnity of her presence. - -The doctor having been upstairs and come down again, and having -satisfied himself, I suppose, that there was a probability of this -unknown lady and himself having to sit there, face to face, for -some hours, laid himself out to be polite and social. He was the -meekest of his sex, the mildest of little men. He sidled in and -out of a room, to take up the less space. He walked as softly as -the Ghost in Hamlet, and more slowly. He carried his head on one -side, partly in modest depreciation of himself, partly in modest -propitiation of everybody else. It is nothing to say that he -hadn't a word to throw at a dog. He couldn't have thrown a word at -a mad dog. He might have offered him one gently, or half a one, or -a fragment of one; for he spoke as slowly as he walked; but he -wouldn't have been rude to him, and he couldn't have been quick -with him, for any earthly consideration. - -Mr. Chillip, looking mildly at my aunt with his head on one side, -and making her a little bow, said, in allusion to the jewellers' -cotton, as he softly touched his left ear: - -'Some local irritation, ma'am?' - -'What!' replied my aunt, pulling the cotton out of one ear like a -cork. - -Mr. Chillip was so alarmed by her abruptness - as he told my mother -afterwards - that it was a mercy he didn't lose his presence of -mind. But he repeated sweetly: - -'Some local irritation, ma'am?' - -'Nonsense!' replied my aunt, and corked herself again, at one blow. - -Mr. Chillip could do nothing after this, but sit and look at her -feebly, as she sat and looked at the fire, until he was called -upstairs again. After some quarter of an hour's absence, he -returned. - -'Well?' said my aunt, taking the cotton out of the ear nearest to -him. - -'Well, ma'am,' returned Mr. Chillip, 'we are- we are progressing -slowly, ma'am.' - -'Ba--a--ah!' said my aunt, with a perfect shake on the contemptuous -interjection. And corked herself as before. - -Really - really - as Mr. Chillip told my mother, he was almost -shocked; speaking in a professional point of view alone, he was -almost shocked. But he sat and looked at her, notwithstanding, for -nearly two hours, as she sat looking at the fire, until he was -again called out. After another absence, he again returned. - -'Well?' said my aunt, taking out the cotton on that side again. - -'Well, ma'am,' returned Mr. Chillip, 'we are - we are progressing -slowly, ma'am.' - -'Ya--a--ah!' said my aunt. With such a snarl at him, that Mr. -Chillip absolutely could not bear it. It was really calculated to -break his spirit, he said afterwards. He preferred to go and sit -upon the stairs, in the dark and a strong draught, until he was -again sent for. - -Ham Peggotty, who went to the national school, and was a very -dragon at his catechism, and who may therefore be regarded as a -credible witness, reported next day, that happening to peep in at -the parlour-door an hour after this, he was instantly descried by -Miss Betsey, then walking to and fro in a state of agitation, and -pounced upon before he could make his escape. That there were now -occasional sounds of feet and voices overhead which he inferred the -cotton did not exclude, from the circumstance of his evidently -being clutched by the lady as a victim on whom to expend her -superabundant agitation when the sounds were loudest. That, -marching him constantly up and down by the collar (as if he had -been taking too much laudanum), she, at those times, shook him, -rumpled his hair, made light of his linen, stopped his ears as if -she confounded them with her own, and otherwise tousled and -maltreated him. This was in part confirmed by his aunt, who saw -him at half past twelve o'clock, soon after his release, and -affirmed that he was then as red as I was. - -The mild Mr. Chillip could not possibly bear malice at such a time, -if at any time. He sidled into the parlour as soon as he was at -liberty, and said to my aunt in his meekest manner: - -'Well, ma'am, I am happy to congratulate you.' - -'What upon?' said my aunt, sharply. - -Mr. Chillip was fluttered again, by the extreme severity of my -aunt's manner; so he made her a little bow and gave her a little -smile, to mollify her. - -'Mercy on the man, what's he doing!' cried my aunt, impatiently. -'Can't he speak?' - -'Be calm, my dear ma'am,' said Mr. Chillip, in his softest accents. - -'There is no longer any occasion for uneasiness, ma'am. Be calm.' - -It has since been considered almost a miracle that my aunt didn't -shake him, and shake what he had to say, out of him. She only -shook her own head at him, but in a way that made him quail. - -'Well, ma'am,' resumed Mr. Chillip, as soon as he had courage, 'I -am happy to congratulate you. All is now over, ma'am, and well -over.' - -During the five minutes or so that Mr. Chillip devoted to the -delivery of this oration, my aunt eyed him narrowly. - -'How is she?' said my aunt, folding her arms with her bonnet still -tied on one of them. - -'Well, ma'am, she will soon be quite comfortable, I hope,' returned -Mr. Chillip. 'Quite as comfortable as we can expect a young mother -to be, under these melancholy domestic circumstances. There cannot -be any objection to your seeing her presently, ma'am. It may do -her good.' - -'And SHE. How is SHE?' said my aunt, sharply. - -Mr. Chillip laid his head a little more on one side, and looked at -my aunt like an amiable bird. - -'The baby,' said my aunt. 'How is she?' - -'Ma'am,' returned Mr. Chillip, 'I apprehended you had known. It's -a boy.' - -My aunt said never a word, but took her bonnet by the strings, in -the manner of a sling, aimed a blow at Mr. Chillip's head with it, -put it on bent, walked out, and never came back. She vanished like -a discontented fairy; or like one of those supernatural beings, -whom it was popularly supposed I was entitled to see; and never -came back any more. - -No. I lay in my basket, and my mother lay in her bed; but Betsey -Trotwood Copperfield was for ever in the land of dreams and -shadows, the tremendous region whence I had so lately travelled; -and the light upon the window of our room shone out upon the -earthly bourne of all such travellers, and the mound above the -ashes and the dust that once was he, without whom I had never been. - - - -CHAPTER 2 -I OBSERVE - - -The first objects that assume a distinct presence before me, as I -look far back, into the blank of my infancy, are my mother with her -pretty hair and youthful shape, and Peggotty with no shape at all, -and eyes so dark that they seemed to darken their whole -neighbourhood in her face, and cheeks and arms so hard and red that -I wondered the birds didn't peck her in preference to apples. - -I believe I can remember these two at a little distance apart, -dwarfed to my sight by stooping down or kneeling on the floor, and -I going unsteadily from the one to the other. I have an impression -on my mind which I cannot distinguish from actual remembrance, of -the touch of Peggotty's forefinger as she used to hold it out to -me, and of its being roughened by needlework, like a pocket -nutmeg-grater. - -This may be fancy, though I think the memory of most of us can go -farther back into such times than many of us suppose; just as I -believe the power of observation in numbers of very young children -to be quite wonderful for its closeness and accuracy. Indeed, I -think that most grown men who are remarkable in this respect, may -with greater propriety be said not to have lost the faculty, than -to have acquired it; the rather, as I generally observe such men to -retain a certain freshness, and gentleness, and capacity of being -pleased, which are also an inheritance they have preserved from -their childhood. - -I might have a misgiving that I am 'meandering' in stopping to say -this, but that it brings me to remark that I build these -conclusions, in part upon my own experience of myself; and if it -should appear from anything I may set down in this narrative that -I was a child of close observation, or that as a man I have a -strong memory of my childhood, I undoubtedly lay claim to both of -these characteristics. - -Looking back, as I was saying, into the blank of my infancy, the -first objects I can remember as standing out by themselves from a -confusion of things, are my mother and Peggotty. What else do I -remember? Let me see. - - -There comes out of the cloud, our house - not new to me, but quite -familiar, in its earliest remembrance. On the ground-floor is -Peggotty's kitchen, opening into a back yard; with a pigeon-house -on a pole, in the centre, without any pigeons in it; a great dog- -kennel in a corner, without any dog; and a quantity of fowls that -look terribly tall to me, walking about, in a menacing and -ferocious manner. There is one cock who gets upon a post to crow, -and seems to take particular notice of me as I look at him through -the kitchen window, who makes me shiver, he is so fierce. Of the -geese outside the side-gate who come waddling after me with their -long necks stretched out when I go that way, I dream at night: as -a man environed by wild beasts might dream of lions. - -Here is a long passage - what an enormous perspective I make of it! -- leading from Peggotty's kitchen to the front door. A dark -store-room opens out of it, and that is a place to be run past at -night; for I don't know what may be among those tubs and jars and -old tea-chests, when there is nobody in there with a dimly-burning -light, letting a mouldy air come out of the door, in which there is -the smell of soap, pickles, pepper, candles, and coffee, all at one -whiff. Then there are the two parlours: the parlour in which we -sit of an evening, my mother and I and Peggotty - for Peggotty is -quite our companion, when her work is done and we are alone - and -the best parlour where we sit on a Sunday; grandly, but not so -comfortably. There is something of a doleful air about that room -to me, for Peggotty has told me - I don't know when, but apparently -ages ago - about my father's funeral, and the company having their -black cloaks put on. One Sunday night my mother reads to Peggotty -and me in there, how Lazarus was raised up from the dead. And I am -so frightened that they are afterwards obliged to take me out of -bed, and show me the quiet churchyard out of the bedroom window, -with the dead all lying in their graves at rest, below the solemn -moon. - -There is nothing half so green that I know anywhere, as the grass -of that churchyard; nothing half so shady as its trees; nothing -half so quiet as its tombstones. The sheep are feeding there, when -I kneel up, early in the morning, in my little bed in a closet -within my mother's room, to look out at it; and I see the red light -shining on the sun-dial, and think within myself, 'Is the sun-dial -glad, I wonder, that it can tell the time again?' - -Here is our pew in the church. What a high-backed pew! With a -window near it, out of which our house can be seen, and IS seen -many times during the morning's service, by Peggotty, who likes to -make herself as sure as she can that it's not being robbed, or is -not in flames. But though Peggotty's eye wanders, she is much -offended if mine does, and frowns to me, as I stand upon the seat, -that I am to look at the clergyman. But I can't always look at him -- I know him without that white thing on, and I am afraid of his -wondering why I stare so, and perhaps stopping the service to -inquire - and what am I to do? It's a dreadful thing to gape, but -I must do something. I look at my mother, but she pretends not to -see me. I look at a boy in the aisle, and he makes faces at me. -I look at the sunlight coming in at the open door through the -porch, and there I see a stray sheep - I don't mean a sinner, but -mutton - half making up his mind to come into the church. I feel -that if I looked at him any longer, I might be tempted to say -something out loud; and what would become of me then! I look up at -the monumental tablets on the wall, and try to think of Mr. Bodgers -late of this parish, and what the feelings of Mrs. Bodgers must -have been, when affliction sore, long time Mr. Bodgers bore, and -physicians were in vain. I wonder whether they called in Mr. -Chillip, and he was in vain; and if so, how he likes to be reminded -of it once a week. I look from Mr. Chillip, in his Sunday -neckcloth, to the pulpit; and think what a good place it would be -to play in, and what a castle it would make, with another boy -coming up the stairs to attack it, and having the velvet cushion -with the tassels thrown down on his head. In time my eyes -gradually shut up; and, from seeming to hear the clergyman singing -a drowsy song in the heat, I hear nothing, until I fall off the -seat with a crash, and am taken out, more dead than alive, by -Peggotty. - -And now I see the outside of our house, with the latticed -bedroom-windows standing open to let in the sweet-smelling air, and -the ragged old rooks'-nests still dangling in the elm-trees at the -bottom of the front garden. Now I am in the garden at the back, -beyond the yard where the empty pigeon-house and dog-kennel are - -a very preserve of butterflies, as I remember it, with a high -fence, and a gate and padlock; where the fruit clusters on the -trees, riper and richer than fruit has ever been since, in any -other garden, and where my mother gathers some in a basket, while -I stand by, bolting furtive gooseberries, and trying to look -unmoved. A great wind rises, and the summer is gone in a moment. -We are playing in the winter twilight, dancing about the parlour. -When my mother is out of breath and rests herself in an -elbow-chair, I watch her winding her bright curls round her -fingers, and straitening her waist, and nobody knows better than I -do that she likes to look so well, and is proud of being so pretty. - -That is among my very earliest impressions. That, and a sense that -we were both a little afraid of Peggotty, and submitted ourselves -in most things to her direction, were among the first opinions - if -they may be so called - that I ever derived from what I saw. - -Peggotty and I were sitting one night by the parlour fire, alone. -I had been reading to Peggotty about crocodiles. I must have read -very perspicuously, or the poor soul must have been deeply -interested, for I remember she had a cloudy impression, after I had -done, that they were a sort of vegetable. I was tired of reading, -and dead sleepy; but having leave, as a high treat, to sit up until -my mother came home from spending the evening at a neighbour's, I -would rather have died upon my post (of course) than have gone to -bed. I had reached that stage of sleepiness when Peggotty seemed -to swell and grow immensely large. I propped my eyelids open with -my two forefingers, and looked perseveringly at her as she sat at -work; at the little bit of wax-candle she kept for her thread - how -old it looked, being so wrinkled in all directions! - at the little -house with a thatched roof, where the yard-measure lived; at her -work-box with a sliding lid, with a view of St. Paul's Cathedral -(with a pink dome) painted on the top; at the brass thimble on her -finger; at herself, whom I thought lovely. I felt so sleepy, that -I knew if I lost sight of anything for a moment, I was gone. - -'Peggotty,' says I, suddenly, 'were you ever married?' - -'Lord, Master Davy,' replied Peggotty. 'What's put marriage in -your head?' - -She answered with such a start, that it quite awoke me. And then -she stopped in her work, and looked at me, with her needle drawn -out to its thread's length. - -'But WERE you ever married, Peggotty?' says I. 'You are a very -handsome woman, an't you?' - -I thought her in a different style from my mother, certainly; but -of another school of beauty, I considered her a perfect example. -There was a red velvet footstool in the best parlour, on which my -mother had painted a nosegay. The ground-work of that stool, and -Peggotty's complexion appeared to me to be one and the same thing. -The stool was smooth, and Peggotty was rough, but that made no -difference. - -'Me handsome, Davy!' said Peggotty. 'Lawk, no, my dear! But what -put marriage in your head?' - -'I don't know! - You mustn't marry more than one person at a time, -may you, Peggotty?' - -'Certainly not,' says Peggotty, with the promptest decision. - -'But if you marry a person, and the person dies, why then you may -marry another person, mayn't you, Peggotty?' - -'YOU MAY,' says Peggotty, 'if you choose, my dear. That's a matter -of opinion.' - -'But what is your opinion, Peggotty?' said I. - -I asked her, and looked curiously at her, because she looked so -curiously at me. - -'My opinion is,' said Peggotty, taking her eyes from me, after a -little indecision and going on with her work, 'that I never was -married myself, Master Davy, and that I don't expect to be. That's -all I know about the subject.' - -'You an't cross, I suppose, Peggotty, are you?' said I, after -sitting quiet for a minute. - -I really thought she was, she had been so short with me; but I was -quite mistaken: for she laid aside her work (which was a stocking -of her own), and opening her arms wide, took my curly head within -them, and gave it a good squeeze. I know it was a good squeeze, -because, being very plump, whenever she made any little exertion -after she was dressed, some of the buttons on the back of her gown -flew off. And I recollect two bursting to the opposite side of the -parlour, while she was hugging me. - -'Now let me hear some more about the Crorkindills,' said Peggotty, -who was not quite right in the name yet, 'for I an't heard half -enough.' - -I couldn't quite understand why Peggotty looked so queer, or why -she was so ready to go back to the crocodiles. However, we -returned to those monsters, with fresh wakefulness on my part, and -we left their eggs in the sand for the sun to hatch; and we ran -away from them, and baffled them by constantly turning, which they -were unable to do quickly, on account of their unwieldy make; and -we went into the water after them, as natives, and put sharp pieces -of timber down their throats; and in short we ran the whole -crocodile gauntlet. I did, at least; but I had my doubts of -Peggotty, who was thoughtfully sticking her needle into various -parts of her face and arms, all the time. - -We had exhausted the crocodiles, and begun with the alligators, -when the garden-bell rang. We went out to the door; and there was -my mother, looking unusually pretty, I thought, and with her a -gentleman with beautiful black hair and whiskers, who had walked -home with us from church last Sunday. - -As my mother stooped down on the threshold to take me in her arms -and kiss me, the gentleman said I was a more highly privileged -little fellow than a monarch - or something like that; for my later -understanding comes, I am sensible, to my aid here. - -'What does that mean?' I asked him, over her shoulder. - -He patted me on the head; but somehow, I didn't like him or his -deep voice, and I was jealous that his hand should touch my -mother's in touching me - which it did. I put it away, as well as -I could. - -'Oh, Davy!' remonstrated my mother. - -'Dear boy!' said the gentleman. 'I cannot wonder at his devotion!' - -I never saw such a beautiful colour on my mother's face before. -She gently chid me for being rude; and, keeping me close to her -shawl, turned to thank the gentleman for taking so much trouble as -to bring her home. She put out her hand to him as she spoke, and, -as he met it with his own, she glanced, I thought, at me. - -'Let us say "good night", my fine boy,' said the gentleman, when he -had bent his head - I saw him! - over my mother's little glove. - -'Good night!' said I. - -'Come! Let us be the best friends in the world!' said the -gentleman, laughing. 'Shake hands!' - -My right hand was in my mother's left, so I gave him the other. - -'Why, that's the Wrong hand, Davy!' laughed the gentleman. - -MY mother drew my right hand forward, but I was resolved, for my -former reason, not to give it him, and I did not. I gave him the -other, and he shook it heartily, and said I was a brave fellow, and -went away. - -At this minute I see him turn round in the garden, and give us a -last look with his ill-omened black eyes, before the door was shut. - -Peggotty, who had not said a word or moved a finger, secured the -fastenings instantly, and we all went into the parlour. My mother, -contrary to her usual habit, instead of coming to the elbow-chair -by the fire, remained at the other end of the room, and sat singing -to herself. - -- 'Hope you have had a pleasant evening, ma'am,' said Peggotty, -standing as stiff as a barrel in the centre of the room, with a -candlestick in her hand. - -'Much obliged to you, Peggotty,' returned my mother, in a cheerful -voice, 'I have had a VERY pleasant evening.' - -'A stranger or so makes an agreeable change,' suggested Peggotty. - -'A very agreeable change, indeed,' returned my mother. - -Peggotty continuing to stand motionless in the middle of the room, -and my mother resuming her singing, I fell asleep, though I was not -so sound asleep but that I could hear voices, without hearing what -they said. When I half awoke from this uncomfortable doze, I found -Peggotty and my mother both in tears, and both talking. - -'Not such a one as this, Mr. Copperfield wouldn't have liked,' said -Peggotty. 'That I say, and that I swear!' - -'Good Heavens!' cried my mother, 'you'll drive me mad! Was ever -any poor girl so ill-used by her servants as I am! Why do I do -myself the injustice of calling myself a girl? Have I never been -married, Peggotty?' - -'God knows you have, ma'am,' returned Peggotty. -'Then, how can you dare,' said my mother - 'you know I don't mean -how can you dare, Peggotty, but how can you have the heart - to -make me so uncomfortable and say such bitter things to me, when you -are well aware that I haven't, out of this place, a single friend -to turn to?' - -'The more's the reason,' returned Peggotty, 'for saying that it -won't do. No! That it won't do. No! No price could make it do. -No!' - I thought Peggotty would have thrown the candlestick away, -she was so emphatic with it. - -'How can you be so aggravating,' said my mother, shedding more -tears than before, 'as to talk in such an unjust manner! How can -you go on as if it was all settled and arranged, Peggotty, when I -tell you over and over again, you cruel thing, that beyond the -commonest civilities nothing has passed! You talk of admiration. -What am I to do? If people are so silly as to indulge the -sentiment, is it my fault? What am I to do, I ask you? Would you -wish me to shave my head and black my face, or disfigure myself -with a burn, or a scald, or something of that sort? I dare say you -would, Peggotty. I dare say you'd quite enjoy it.' - -Peggotty seemed to take this aspersion very much to heart, I -thought. - -'And my dear boy,' cried my mother, coming to the elbow-chair in -which I was, and caressing me, 'my own little Davy! Is it to be -hinted to me that I am wanting in affection for my precious -treasure, the dearest little fellow that ever was!' - -'Nobody never went and hinted no such a thing,' said Peggotty. - -'You did, Peggotty!' returned my mother. 'You know you did. What -else was it possible to infer from what you said, you unkind -creature, when you know as well as I do, that on his account only -last quarter I wouldn't buy myself a new parasol, though that old -green one is frayed the whole way up, and the fringe is perfectly -mangy? You know it is, Peggotty. You can't deny it.' Then, -turning affectionately to me, with her cheek against mine, 'Am I a -naughty mama to you, Davy? Am I a nasty, cruel, selfish, bad mama? -Say I am, my child; say "yes", dear boy, and Peggotty will love -you; and Peggotty's love is a great deal better than mine, Davy. -I don't love you at all, do I?' - -At this, we all fell a-crying together. I think I was the loudest -of the party, but I am sure we were all sincere about it. I was -quite heart-broken myself, and am afraid that in the first -transports of wounded tenderness I called Peggotty a 'Beast'. That -honest creature was in deep affliction, I remember, and must have -become quite buttonless on the occasion; for a little volley of -those explosives went off, when, after having made it up with my -mother, she kneeled down by the elbow-chair, and made it up with -me. - -We went to bed greatly dejected. My sobs kept waking me, for a -long time; and when one very strong sob quite hoisted me up in bed, -I found my mother sitting on the coverlet, and leaning over me. I -fell asleep in her arms, after that, and slept soundly. - -Whether it was the following Sunday when I saw the gentleman again, -or whether there was any greater lapse of time before he -reappeared, I cannot recall. I don't profess to be clear about -dates. But there he was, in church, and he walked home with us -afterwards. He came in, too, to look at a famous geranium we had, -in the parlour-window. It did not appear to me that he took much -notice of it, but before he went he asked my mother to give him a -bit of the blossom. She begged him to choose it for himself, but -he refused to do that - I could not understand why - so she plucked -it for him, and gave it into his hand. He said he would never, -never part with it any more; and I thought he must be quite a fool -not to know that it would fall to pieces in a day or two. - -Peggotty began to be less with us, of an evening, than she had -always been. My mother deferred to her very much - more than -usual, it occurred to me - and we were all three excellent friends; -still we were different from what we used to be, and were not so -comfortable among ourselves. Sometimes I fancied that Peggotty -perhaps objected to my mother's wearing all the pretty dresses she -had in her drawers, or to her going so often to visit at that -neighbour's; but I couldn't, to my satisfaction, make out how it -was. - -Gradually, I became used to seeing the gentleman with the black -whiskers. I liked him no better than at first, and had the same -uneasy jealousy of him; but if I had any reason for it beyond a -child's instinctive dislike, and a general idea that Peggotty and -I could make much of my mother without any help, it certainly was -not THE reason that I might have found if I had been older. No -such thing came into my mind, or near it. I could observe, in -little pieces, as it were; but as to making a net of a number of -these pieces, and catching anybody in it, that was, as yet, beyond -me. - -One autumn morning I was with my mother in the front garden, when -Mr. Murdstone - I knew him by that name now - came by, on -horseback. He reined up his horse to salute my mother, and said he -was going to Lowestoft to see some friends who were there with a -yacht, and merrily proposed to take me on the saddle before him if -I would like the ride. - -The air was so clear and pleasant, and the horse seemed to like the -idea of the ride so much himself, as he stood snorting and pawing -at the garden-gate, that I had a great desire to go. So I was sent -upstairs to Peggotty to be made spruce; and in the meantime Mr. -Murdstone dismounted, and, with his horse's bridle drawn over his -arm, walked slowly up and down on the outer side of the sweetbriar -fence, while my mother walked slowly up and down on the inner to -keep him company. I recollect Peggotty and I peeping out at them -from my little window; I recollect how closely they seemed to be -examining the sweetbriar between them, as they strolled along; and -how, from being in a perfectly angelic temper, Peggotty turned -cross in a moment, and brushed my hair the wrong way, excessively -hard. - -Mr. Murdstone and I were soon off, and trotting along on the green -turf by the side of the road. He held me quite easily with one -arm, and I don't think I was restless usually; but I could not make -up my mind to sit in front of him without turning my head -sometimes, and looking up in his face. He had that kind of shallow -black eye - I want a better word to express an eye that has no -depth in it to be looked into - which, when it is abstracted, seems -from some peculiarity of light to be disfigured, for a moment at a -time, by a cast. Several times when I glanced at him, I observed -that appearance with a sort of awe, and wondered what he was -thinking about so closely. His hair and whiskers were blacker and -thicker, looked at so near, than even I had given them credit for -being. A squareness about the lower part of his face, and the -dotted indication of the strong black beard he shaved close every -day, reminded me of the wax-work that had travelled into our -neighbourhood some half-a-year before. This, his regular eyebrows, -and the rich white, and black, and brown, of his complexion - -confound his complexion, and his memory! - made me think him, in -spite of my misgivings, a very handsome man. I have no doubt that -my poor dear mother thought him so too. - -We went to an hotel by the sea, where two gentlemen were smoking -cigars in a room by themselves. Each of them was lying on at least -four chairs, and had a large rough jacket on. In a corner was a -heap of coats and boat-cloaks, and a flag, all bundled up together. - -They both rolled on to their feet in an untidy sort of manner, when -we came in, and said, 'Halloa, Murdstone! We thought you were -dead!' - -'Not yet,' said Mr. Murdstone. - -'And who's this shaver?' said one of the gentlemen, taking hold of -me. - -'That's Davy,' returned Mr. Murdstone. - -'Davy who?' said the gentleman. 'Jones?' - -'Copperfield,' said Mr. Murdstone. - -'What! Bewitching Mrs. Copperfield's encumbrance?' cried the -gentleman. 'The pretty little widow?' - -'Quinion,' said Mr. Murdstone, 'take care, if you please. -Somebody's sharp.' - -'Who is?' asked the gentleman, laughing. -I looked up, quickly; being curious to know. - -'Only Brooks of Sheffield,' said Mr. Murdstone. - -I was quite relieved to find that it was only Brooks of Sheffield; -for, at first, I really thought it was I. - -There seemed to be something very comical in the reputation of Mr. -Brooks of Sheffield, for both the gentlemen laughed heartily when -he was mentioned, and Mr. Murdstone was a good deal amused also. -After some laughing, the gentleman whom he had called Quinion, -said: - -'And what is the opinion of Brooks of Sheffield, in reference to -the projected business?' - -'Why, I don't know that Brooks understands much about it at -present,' replied Mr. Murdstone; 'but he is not generally -favourable, I believe.' - -There was more laughter at this, and Mr. Quinion said he would ring -the bell for some sherry in which to drink to Brooks. This he did; -and when the wine came, he made me have a little, with a biscuit, -and, before I drank it, stand up and say, 'Confusion to Brooks of -Sheffield!' The toast was received with great applause, and such -hearty laughter that it made me laugh too; at which they laughed -the more. In short, we quite enjoyed ourselves. - -We walked about on the cliff after that, and sat on the grass, and -looked at things through a telescope - I could make out nothing -myself when it was put to my eye, but I pretended I could - and -then we came back to the hotel to an early dinner. All the time we -were out, the two gentlemen smoked incessantly - which, I thought, -if I might judge from the smell of their rough coats, they must -have been doing, ever since the coats had first come home from the -tailor's. I must not forget that we went on board the yacht, where -they all three descended into the cabin, and were busy with some -papers. I saw them quite hard at work, when I looked down through -the open skylight. They left me, during this time, with a very -nice man with a very large head of red hair and a very small shiny -hat upon it, who had got a cross-barred shirt or waistcoat on, with -'Skylark' in capital letters across the chest. I thought it was -his name; and that as he lived on board ship and hadn't a street -door to put his name on, he put it there instead; but when I called -him Mr. Skylark, he said it meant the vessel. - -I observed all day that Mr. Murdstone was graver and steadier than -the two gentlemen. They were very gay and careless. They joked -freely with one another, but seldom with him. It appeared to me -that he was more clever and cold than they were, and that they -regarded him with something of my own feeling. I remarked that, -once or twice when Mr. Quinion was talking, he looked at Mr. -Murdstone sideways, as if to make sure of his not being displeased; -and that once when Mr. Passnidge (the other gentleman) was in high -spirits, he trod upon his foot, and gave him a secret caution with -his eyes, to observe Mr. Murdstone, who was sitting stern and -silent. Nor do I recollect that Mr. Murdstone laughed at all that -day, except at the Sheffield joke - and that, by the by, was his -own. - -We went home early in the evening. It was a very fine evening, and -my mother and he had another stroll by the sweetbriar, while I was -sent in to get my tea. When he was gone, my mother asked me all -about the day I had had, and what they had said and done. I -mentioned what they had said about her, and she laughed, and told -me they were impudent fellows who talked nonsense - but I knew it -pleased her. I knew it quite as well as I know it now. I took the -opportunity of asking if she was at all acquainted with Mr. Brooks -of Sheffield, but she answered No, only she supposed he must be a -manufacturer in the knife and fork way. - -Can I say of her face - altered as I have reason to remember it, -perished as I know it is - that it is gone, when here it comes -before me at this instant, as distinct as any face that I may -choose to look on in a crowded street? Can I say of her innocent -and girlish beauty, that it faded, and was no more, when its breath -falls on my cheek now, as it fell that night? Can I say she ever -changed, when my remembrance brings her back to life, thus only; -and, truer to its loving youth than I have been, or man ever is, -still holds fast what it cherished then? - -I write of her just as she was when I had gone to bed after this -talk, and she came to bid me good night. She kneeled down -playfully by the side of the bed, and laying her chin upon her -hands, and laughing, said: - -'What was it they said, Davy? Tell me again. I can't believe it.' - -'"Bewitching -"' I began. - -My mother put her hands upon my lips to stop me. - -'It was never bewitching,' she said, laughing. 'It never could -have been bewitching, Davy. Now I know it wasn't!' - -'Yes, it was. "Bewitching Mrs. Copperfield",' I repeated stoutly. -'And, "pretty."' - -'No, no, it was never pretty. Not pretty,' interposed my mother, -laying her fingers on my lips again. - -'Yes it was. "Pretty little widow."' - -'What foolish, impudent creatures!' cried my mother, laughing and -covering her face. 'What ridiculous men! An't they? Davy dear -' - -'Well, Ma.' - -'Don't tell Peggotty; she might be angry with them. I am -dreadfully angry with them myself; but I would rather Peggotty -didn't know.' - -I promised, of course; and we kissed one another over and over -again, and I soon fell fast asleep. - -It seems to me, at this distance of time, as if it were the next -day when Peggotty broached the striking and adventurous proposition -I am about to mention; but it was probably about two months -afterwards. - -We were sitting as before, one evening (when my mother was out as -before), in company with the stocking and the yard-measure, and the -bit of wax, and the box with St. Paul's on the lid, and the -crocodile book, when Peggotty, after looking at me several times, -and opening her mouth as if she were going to speak, without doing -it - which I thought was merely gaping, or I should have been -rather alarmed - said coaxingly: - -'Master Davy, how should you like to go along with me and spend a -fortnight at my brother's at Yarmouth? Wouldn't that be a treat?' - -'Is your brother an agreeable man, Peggotty?' I inquired, -provisionally. - -'Oh, what an agreeable man he is!' cried Peggotty, holding up her -hands. 'Then there's the sea; and the boats and ships; and the -fishermen; and the beach; and Am to play with -' - -Peggotty meant her nephew Ham, mentioned in my first chapter; but -she spoke of him as a morsel of English Grammar. - -I was flushed by her summary of delights, and replied that it would -indeed be a treat, but what would my mother say? - -'Why then I'll as good as bet a guinea,' said Peggotty, intent upon -my face, 'that she'll let us go. I'll ask her, if you like, as -soon as ever she comes home. There now!' - -'But what's she to do while we're away?' said I, putting my small -elbows on the table to argue the point. 'She can't live by -herself.' - -If Peggotty were looking for a hole, all of a sudden, in the heel -of that stocking, it must have been a very little one indeed, and -not worth darning. - -'I say! Peggotty! She can't live by herself, you know.' - -'Oh, bless you!' said Peggotty, looking at me again at last. -'Don't you know? She's going to stay for a fortnight with Mrs. -Grayper. Mrs. Grayper's going to have a lot of company.' - -Oh! If that was it, I was quite ready to go. I waited, in the -utmost impatience, until my mother came home from Mrs. Grayper's -(for it was that identical neighbour), to ascertain if we could get -leave to carry out this great idea. Without being nearly so much -surprised as I had expected, my mother entered into it readily; and -it was all arranged that night, and my board and lodging during the -visit were to be paid for. - -The day soon came for our going. It was such an early day that it -came soon, even to me, who was in a fever of expectation, and half -afraid that an earthquake or a fiery mountain, or some other great -convulsion of nature, might interpose to stop the expedition. We -were to go in a carrier's cart, which departed in the morning after -breakfast. I would have given any money to have been allowed to -wrap myself up over-night, and sleep in my hat and boots. - -It touches me nearly now, although I tell it lightly, to recollect -how eager I was to leave my happy home; to think how little I -suspected what I did leave for ever. - -I am glad to recollect that when the carrier's cart was at the -gate, and my mother stood there kissing me, a grateful fondness for -her and for the old place I had never turned my back upon before, -made me cry. I am glad to know that my mother cried too, and that -I felt her heart beat against mine. - -I am glad to recollect that when the carrier began to move, my -mother ran out at the gate, and called to him to stop, that she -might kiss me once more. I am glad to dwell upon the earnestness -and love with which she lifted up her face to mine, and did so. - -As we left her standing in the road, Mr. Murdstone came up to where -she was, and seemed to expostulate with her for being so moved. I -was looking back round the awning of the cart, and wondered what -business it was of his. Peggotty, who was also looking back on the -other side, seemed anything but satisfied; as the face she brought -back in the cart denoted. - -I sat looking at Peggotty for some time, in a reverie on this -supposititious case: whether, if she were employed to lose me like -the boy in the fairy tale, I should be able to track my way home -again by the buttons she would shed. - - - -CHAPTER 3 -I HAVE A CHANGE - - -The carrier's horse was the laziest horse in the world, I should -hope, and shuffled along, with his head down, as if he liked to -keep people waiting to whom the packages were directed. I fancied, -indeed, that he sometimes chuckled audibly over this reflection, -but the carrier said he was only troubled with a cough. -The carrier had a way of keeping his head down, like his horse, and -of drooping sleepily forward as he drove, with one of his arms on -each of his knees. I say 'drove', but it struck me that the cart -would have gone to Yarmouth quite as well without him, for the -horse did all that; and as to conversation, he had no idea of it -but whistling. - -Peggotty had a basket of refreshments on her knee, which would have -lasted us out handsomely, if we had been going to London by the -same conveyance. We ate a good deal, and slept a good deal. -Peggotty always went to sleep with her chin upon the handle of the -basket, her hold of which never relaxed; and I could not have -believed unless I had heard her do it, that one defenceless woman -could have snored so much. - -We made so many deviations up and down lanes, and were such a long -time delivering a bedstead at a public-house, and calling at other -places, that I was quite tired, and very glad, when we saw -Yarmouth. It looked rather spongy and soppy, I thought, as I -carried my eye over the great dull waste that lay across the river; -and I could not help wondering, if the world were really as round -as my geography book said, how any part of it came to be so flat. -But I reflected that Yarmouth might be situated at one of the -poles; which would account for it. - -As we drew a little nearer, and saw the whole adjacent prospect -lying a straight low line under the sky, I hinted to Peggotty that -a mound or so might have improved it; and also that if the land had -been a little more separated from the sea, and the town and the -tide had not been quite so much mixed up, like toast and water, it -would have been nicer. But Peggotty said, with greater emphasis -than usual, that we must take things as we found them, and that, -for her part, she was proud to call herself a Yarmouth Bloater. - -When we got into the street (which was strange enough to me) and -smelt the fish, and pitch, and oakum, and tar, and saw the sailors -walking about, and the carts jingling up and down over the stones, -I felt that I had done so busy a place an injustice; and said as -much to Peggotty, who heard my expressions of delight with great -complacency, and told me it was well known (I suppose to those who -had the good fortune to be born Bloaters) that Yarmouth was, upon -the whole, the finest place in the universe. - -'Here's my Am!' screamed Peggotty, 'growed out of knowledge!' - -He was waiting for us, in fact, at the public-house; and asked me -how I found myself, like an old acquaintance. I did not feel, at -first, that I knew him as well as he knew me, because he had never -come to our house since the night I was born, and naturally he had -the advantage of me. But our intimacy was much advanced by his -taking me on his back to carry me home. He was, now, a huge, -strong fellow of six feet high, broad in proportion, and -round-shouldered; but with a simpering boy's face and curly light -hair that gave him quite a sheepish look. He was dressed in a -canvas jacket, and a pair of such very stiff trousers that they -would have stood quite as well alone, without any legs in them. -And you couldn't so properly have said he wore a hat, as that he -was covered in a-top, like an old building, with something pitchy. - -Ham carrying me on his back and a small box of ours under his arm, -and Peggotty carrying another small box of ours, we turned down -lanes bestrewn with bits of chips and little hillocks of sand, and -went past gas-works, rope-walks, boat-builders' yards, shipwrights' -yards, ship-breakers' yards, caulkers' yards, riggers' lofts, -smiths' forges, and a great litter of such places, until we came -out upon the dull waste I had already seen at a distance; when Ham -said, - -'Yon's our house, Mas'r Davy!' - -I looked in all directions, as far as I could stare over the -wilderness, and away at the sea, and away at the river, but no -house could I make out. There was a black barge, or some other -kind of superannuated boat, not far off, high and dry on the -ground, with an iron funnel sticking out of it for a chimney and -smoking very cosily; but nothing else in the way of a habitation -that was visible to me. - -'That's not it?' said I. 'That ship-looking thing?' - -'That's it, Mas'r Davy,' returned Ham. - -If it had been Aladdin's palace, roc's egg and all, I suppose I -could not have been more charmed with the romantic idea of living -in it. There was a delightful door cut in the side, and it was -roofed in, and there were little windows in it; but the wonderful -charm of it was, that it was a real boat which had no doubt been -upon the water hundreds of times, and which had never been intended -to be lived in, on dry land. That was the captivation of it to me. -If it had ever been meant to be lived in, I might have thought it -small, or inconvenient, or lonely; but never having been designed -for any such use, it became a perfect abode. - -It was beautifully clean inside, and as tidy as possible. There -was a table, and a Dutch clock, and a chest of drawers, and on the -chest of drawers there was a tea-tray with a painting on it of a -lady with a parasol, taking a walk with a military-looking child -who was trundling a hoop. The tray was kept from tumbling down, by -a bible; and the tray, if it had tumbled down, would have smashed -a quantity of cups and saucers and a teapot that were grouped -around the book. On the walls there were some common coloured -pictures, framed and glazed, of scripture subjects; such as I have -never seen since in the hands of pedlars, without seeing the whole -interior of Peggotty's brother's house again, at one view. Abraham -in red going to sacrifice Isaac in blue, and Daniel in yellow cast -into a den of green lions, were the most prominent of these. Over -the little mantelshelf, was a picture of the 'Sarah Jane' lugger, -built at Sunderland, with a real little wooden stern stuck on to -it; a work of art, combining composition with carpentry, which I -considered to be one of the most enviable possessions that the -world could afford. There were some hooks in the beams of the -ceiling, the use of which I did not divine then; and some lockers -and boxes and conveniences of that sort, which served for seats and -eked out the chairs. - -All this I saw in the first glance after I crossed the threshold - -child-like, according to my theory - and then Peggotty opened a -little door and showed me my bedroom. It was the completest and -most desirable bedroom ever seen - in the stern of the vessel; with -a little window, where the rudder used to go through; a little -looking-glass, just the right height for me, nailed against the -wall, and framed with oyster-shells; a little bed, which there was -just room enough to get into; and a nosegay of seaweed in a blue -mug on the table. The walls were whitewashed as white as milk, and -the patchwork counterpane made my eyes quite ache with its -brightness. One thing I particularly noticed in this delightful -house, was the smell of fish; which was so searching, that when I -took out my pocket-handkerchief to wipe my nose, I found it smelt -exactly as if it had wrapped up a lobster. On my imparting this -discovery in confidence to Peggotty, she informed me that her -brother dealt in lobsters, crabs, and crawfish; and I afterwards -found that a heap of these creatures, in a state of wonderful -conglomeration with one another, and never leaving off pinching -whatever they laid hold of, were usually to be found in a little -wooden outhouse where the pots and kettles were kept. - -We were welcomed by a very civil woman in a white apron, whom I had -seen curtseying at the door when I was on Ham's back, about a -quarter of a mile off. Likewise by a most beautiful little girl -(or I thought her so) with a necklace of blue beads on, who -wouldn't let me kiss her when I offered to, but ran away and hid -herself. By and by, when we had dined in a sumptuous manner off -boiled dabs, melted butter, and potatoes, with a chop for me, a -hairy man with a very good-natured face came home. As he called -Peggotty 'Lass', and gave her a hearty smack on the cheek, I had no -doubt, from the general propriety of her conduct, that he was her -brother; and so he turned out - being presently introduced to me as -Mr. Peggotty, the master of the house. - -'Glad to see you, sir,' said Mr. Peggotty. 'You'll find us rough, -sir, but you'll find us ready.' - -I thanked him, and replied that I was sure I should be happy in -such a delightful place. - -'How's your Ma, sir?' said Mr. Peggotty. 'Did you leave her pretty -jolly?' - -I gave Mr. Peggotty to understand that she was as jolly as I could -wish, and that she desired her compliments - which was a polite -fiction on my part. - -'I'm much obleeged to her, I'm sure,' said Mr. Peggotty. 'Well, -sir, if you can make out here, fur a fortnut, 'long wi' her,' -nodding at his sister, 'and Ham, and little Em'ly, we shall be -proud of your company.' - -Having done the honours of his house in this hospitable manner, Mr. -Peggotty went out to wash himself in a kettleful of hot water, -remarking that 'cold would never get his muck off'. He soon -returned, greatly improved in appearance; but so rubicund, that I -couldn't help thinking his face had this in common with the -lobsters, crabs, and crawfish, - that it went into the hot water -very black, and came out very red. - -After tea, when the door was shut and all was made snug (the nights -being cold and misty now), it seemed to me the most delicious -retreat that the imagination of man could conceive. To hear the -wind getting up out at sea, to know that the fog was creeping over -the desolate flat outside, and to look at the fire, and think that -there was no house near but this one, and this one a boat, was like -enchantment. Little Em'ly had overcome her shyness, and was -sitting by my side upon the lowest and least of the lockers, which -was just large enough for us two, and just fitted into the chimney -corner. Mrs. Peggotty with the white apron, was knitting on the -opposite side of the fire. Peggotty at her needlework was as much -at home with St. Paul's and the bit of wax-candle, as if they had -never known any other roof. Ham, who had been giving me my first -lesson in all-fours, was trying to recollect a scheme of telling -fortunes with the dirty cards, and was printing off fishy -impressions of his thumb on all the cards he turned. Mr. Peggotty -was smoking his pipe. I felt it was a time for conversation and -confidence. - -'Mr. Peggotty!' says I. - -'Sir,' says he. - -'Did you give your son the name of Ham, because you lived in a sort -of ark?' - -Mr. Peggotty seemed to think it a deep idea, but answered: - -'No, sir. I never giv him no name.' - -'Who gave him that name, then?' said I, putting question number two -of the catechism to Mr. Peggotty. - -'Why, sir, his father giv it him,' said Mr. Peggotty. - -'I thought you were his father!' - -'My brother Joe was his father,' said Mr. Peggotty. - -'Dead, Mr. Peggotty?' I hinted, after a respectful pause. - -'Drowndead,' said Mr. Peggotty. - -I was very much surprised that Mr. Peggotty was not Ham's father, -and began to wonder whether I was mistaken about his relationship -to anybody else there. I was so curious to know, that I made up my -mind to have it out with Mr. Peggotty. - -'Little Em'ly,' I said, glancing at her. 'She is your daughter, -isn't she, Mr. Peggotty?' - -'No, sir. My brother-in-law, Tom, was her father.' - -I couldn't help it. '- Dead, Mr. Peggotty?' I hinted, after -another respectful silence. - -'Drowndead,' said Mr. Peggotty. - -I felt the difficulty of resuming the subject, but had not got to -the bottom of it yet, and must get to the bottom somehow. So I -said: - -'Haven't you ANY children, Mr. Peggotty?' - -'No, master,' he answered with a short laugh. 'I'm a bacheldore.' - -'A bachelor!' I said, astonished. 'Why, who's that, Mr. Peggotty?' -pointing to the person in the apron who was knitting. - -'That's Missis Gummidge,' said Mr. Peggotty. - -'Gummidge, Mr. Peggotty?' - -But at this point Peggotty - I mean my own peculiar Peggotty - made -such impressive motions to me not to ask any more questions, that -I could only sit and look at all the silent company, until it was -time to go to bed. Then, in the privacy of my own little cabin, -she informed me that Ham and Em'ly were an orphan nephew and niece, -whom my host had at different times adopted in their childhood, -when they were left destitute: and that Mrs. Gummidge was the widow -of his partner in a boat, who had died very poor. He was but a -poor man himself, said Peggotty, but as good as gold and as true as -steel - those were her similes. The only subject, she informed me, -on which he ever showed a violent temper or swore an oath, was this -generosity of his; and if it were ever referred to, by any one of -them, he struck the table a heavy blow with his right hand (had -split it on one such occasion), and swore a dreadful oath that he -would be 'Gormed' if he didn't cut and run for good, if it was ever -mentioned again. It appeared, in answer to my inquiries, that -nobody had the least idea of the etymology of this terrible verb -passive to be gormed; but that they all regarded it as constituting -a most solemn imprecation. - -I was very sensible of my entertainer's goodness, and listened to -the women's going to bed in another little crib like mine at the -opposite end of the boat, and to him and Ham hanging up two -hammocks for themselves on the hooks I had noticed in the roof, in -a very luxurious state of mind, enhanced by my being sleepy. As -slumber gradually stole upon me, I heard the wind howling out at -sea and coming on across the flat so fiercely, that I had a lazy -apprehension of the great deep rising in the night. But I -bethought myself that I was in a boat, after all; and that a man -like Mr. Peggotty was not a bad person to have on board if anything -did happen. - -Nothing happened, however, worse than morning. Almost as soon as -it shone upon the oyster-shell frame of my mirror I was out of bed, -and out with little Em'ly, picking up stones upon the beach. - -'You're quite a sailor, I suppose?' I said to Em'ly. I don't know -that I supposed anything of the kind, but I felt it an act of -gallantry to say something; and a shining sail close to us made -such a pretty little image of itself, at the moment, in her bright -eye, that it came into my head to say this. - -'No,' replied Em'ly, shaking her head, 'I'm afraid of the sea.' - -'Afraid!' I said, with a becoming air of boldness, and looking very -big at the mighty ocean. 'I an't!' - -'Ah! but it's cruel,' said Em'ly. 'I have seen it very cruel to -some of our men. I have seen it tear a boat as big as our house, -all to pieces.' - -'I hope it wasn't the boat that -' - -'That father was drownded in?' said Em'ly. 'No. Not that one, I -never see that boat.' - -'Nor him?' I asked her. - -Little Em'ly shook her head. 'Not to remember!' - -Here was a coincidence! I immediately went into an explanation how -I had never seen my own father; and how my mother and I had always -lived by ourselves in the happiest state imaginable, and lived so -then, and always meant to live so; and how my father's grave was in -the churchyard near our house, and shaded by a tree, beneath the -boughs of which I had walked and heard the birds sing many a -pleasant morning. But there were some differences between Em'ly's -orphanhood and mine, it appeared. She had lost her mother before -her father; and where her father's grave was no one knew, except -that it was somewhere in the depths of the sea. - -'Besides,' said Em'ly, as she looked about for shells and pebbles, -'your father was a gentleman and your mother is a lady; and my -father was a fisherman and my mother was a fisherman's daughter, -and my uncle Dan is a fisherman.' - -'Dan is Mr. Peggotty, is he?' said I. - -'Uncle Dan - yonder,' answered Em'ly, nodding at the boat-house. - -'Yes. I mean him. He must be very good, I should think?' - -'Good?' said Em'ly. 'If I was ever to be a lady, I'd give him a -sky-blue coat with diamond buttons, nankeen trousers, a red velvet -waistcoat, a cocked hat, a large gold watch, a silver pipe, and a -box of money.' - -I said I had no doubt that Mr. Peggotty well deserved these -treasures. I must acknowledge that I felt it difficult to picture -him quite at his ease in the raiment proposed for him by his -grateful little niece, and that I was particularly doubtful of the -policy of the cocked hat; but I kept these sentiments to myself. - -Little Em'ly had stopped and looked up at the sky in her -enumeration of these articles, as if they were a glorious vision. -We went on again, picking up shells and pebbles. - -'You would like to be a lady?' I said. - -Emily looked at me, and laughed and nodded 'yes'. - -'I should like it very much. We would all be gentlefolks together, -then. Me, and uncle, and Ham, and Mrs. Gummidge. We wouldn't mind -then, when there comes stormy weather. - Not for our own sakes, I -mean. We would for the poor fishermen's, to be sure, and we'd help -'em with money when they come to any hurt.' This seemed to me to -be a very satisfactory and therefore not at all improbable picture. -I expressed my pleasure in the contemplation of it, and little -Em'ly was emboldened to say, shyly, - -'Don't you think you are afraid of the sea, now?' - -It was quiet enough to reassure me, but I have no doubt if I had -seen a moderately large wave come tumbling in, I should have taken -to my heels, with an awful recollection of her drowned relations. -However, I said 'No,' and I added, 'You don't seem to be either, -though you say you are,' - for she was walking much too near the -brink of a sort of old jetty or wooden causeway we had strolled -upon, and I was afraid of her falling over. - -'I'm not afraid in this way,' said little Em'ly. 'But I wake when -it blows, and tremble to think of Uncle Dan and Ham and believe I -hear 'em crying out for help. That's why I should like so much to -be a lady. But I'm not afraid in this way. Not a bit. Look -here!' - -She started from my side, and ran along a jagged timber which -protruded from the place we stood upon, and overhung the deep water -at some height, without the least defence. The incident is so -impressed on my remembrance, that if I were a draughtsman I could -draw its form here, I dare say, accurately as it was that day, and -little Em'ly springing forward to her destruction (as it appeared -to me), with a look that I have never forgotten, directed far out -to sea. - -The light, bold, fluttering little figure turned and came back safe -to me, and I soon laughed at my fears, and at the cry I had -uttered; fruitlessly in any case, for there was no one near. But -there have been times since, in my manhood, many times there have -been, when I have thought, Is it possible, among the possibilities -of hidden things, that in the sudden rashness of the child and her -wild look so far off, there was any merciful attraction of her into -danger, any tempting her towards him permitted on the part of her -dead father, that her life might have a chance of ending that day? -There has been a time since when I have wondered whether, if the -life before her could have been revealed to me at a glance, and so -revealed as that a child could fully comprehend it, and if her -preservation could have depended on a motion of my hand, I ought to -have held it up to save her. There has been a time since - I do -not say it lasted long, but it has been - when I have asked myself -the question, would it have been better for little Em'ly to have -had the waters close above her head that morning in my sight; and -when I have answered Yes, it would have been. - -This may be premature. I have set it down too soon, perhaps. But -let it stand. - -We strolled a long way, and loaded ourselves with things that we -thought curious, and put some stranded starfish carefully back into -the water - I hardly know enough of the race at this moment to be -quite certain whether they had reason to feel obliged to us for -doing so, or the reverse - and then made our way home to Mr. -Peggotty's dwelling. We stopped under the lee of the -lobster-outhouse to exchange an innocent kiss, and went in to -breakfast glowing with health and pleasure. - -'Like two young mavishes,' Mr. Peggotty said. I knew this meant, -in our local dialect, like two young thrushes, and received it as -a compliment. - -Of course I was in love with little Em'ly. I am sure I loved that -baby quite as truly, quite as tenderly, with greater purity and -more disinterestedness, than can enter into the best love of a -later time of life, high and ennobling as it is. I am sure my -fancy raised up something round that blue-eyed mite of a child, -which etherealized, and made a very angel of her. If, any sunny -forenoon, she had spread a little pair of wings and flown away -before my eyes, I don't think I should have regarded it as much -more than I had had reason to expect. - -We used to walk about that dim old flat at Yarmouth in a loving -manner, hours and hours. The days sported by us, as if Time had -not grown up himself yet, but were a child too, and always at play. -I told Em'ly I adored her, and that unless she confessed she adored -me I should be reduced to the necessity of killing myself with a -sword. She said she did, and I have no doubt she did. - -As to any sense of inequality, or youthfulness, or other difficulty -in our way, little Em'ly and I had no such trouble, because we had -no future. We made no more provision for growing older, than we -did for growing younger. We were the admiration of Mrs. Gummidge -and Peggotty, who used to whisper of an evening when we sat, -lovingly, on our little locker side by side, 'Lor! wasn't it -beautiful!' Mr. Peggotty smiled at us from behind his pipe, and -Ham grinned all the evening and did nothing else. They had -something of the sort of pleasure in us, I suppose, that they might -have had in a pretty toy, or a pocket model of the Colosseum. - -I soon found out that Mrs. Gummidge did not always make herself so -agreeable as she might have been expected to do, under the -circumstances of her residence with Mr. Peggotty. Mrs. Gummidge's -was rather a fretful disposition, and she whimpered more sometimes -than was comfortable for other parties in so small an -establishment. I was very sorry for her; but there were moments -when it would have been more agreeable, I thought, if Mrs. Gummidge -had had a convenient apartment of her own to retire to, and had -stopped there until her spirits revived. - -Mr. Peggotty went occasionally to a public-house called The Willing -Mind. I discovered this, by his being out on the second or third -evening of our visit, and by Mrs. Gummidge's looking up at the -Dutch clock, between eight and nine, and saying he was there, and -that, what was more, she had known in the morning he would go -there. - -Mrs. Gummidge had been in a low state all day, and had burst into -tears in the forenoon, when the fire smoked. 'I am a lone lorn -creetur',' were Mrs. Gummidge's words, when that unpleasant -occurrence took place, 'and everythink goes contrary with me.' - -'Oh, it'll soon leave off,' said Peggotty - I again mean our -Peggotty - 'and besides, you know, it's not more disagreeable to -you than to us.' - -'I feel it more,' said Mrs. Gummidge. - -It was a very cold day, with cutting blasts of wind. Mrs. -Gummidge's peculiar corner of the fireside seemed to me to be the -warmest and snuggest in the place, as her chair was certainly the -easiest, but it didn't suit her that day at all. She was -constantly complaining of the cold, and of its occasioning a -visitation in her back which she called 'the creeps'. At last she -shed tears on that subject, and said again that she was 'a lone -lorn creetur' and everythink went contrary with her'. - -'It is certainly very cold,' said Peggotty. 'Everybody must feel -it so.' - -'I feel it more than other people,' said Mrs. Gummidge. - -So at dinner; when Mrs. Gummidge was always helped immediately -after me, to whom the preference was given as a visitor of -distinction. The fish were small and bony, and the potatoes were -a little burnt. We all acknowledged that we felt this something of -a disappointment; but Mrs. Gummidge said she felt it more than we -did, and shed tears again, and made that former declaration with -great bitterness. - -Accordingly, when Mr. Peggotty came home about nine o'clock, this -unfortunate Mrs. Gummidge was knitting in her corner, in a very -wretched and miserable condition. Peggotty had been working -cheerfully. Ham had been patching up a great pair of waterboots; -and I, with little Em'ly by my side, had been reading to them. -Mrs. Gummidge had never made any other remark than a forlorn sigh, -and had never raised her eyes since tea. - -'Well, Mates,' said Mr. Peggotty, taking his seat, 'and how are -you?' - -We all said something, or looked something, to welcome him, except -Mrs. Gummidge, who only shook her head over her knitting. - -'What's amiss?' said Mr. Peggotty, with a clap of his hands. -'Cheer up, old Mawther!' (Mr. Peggotty meant old girl.) - -Mrs. Gummidge did not appear to be able to cheer up. She took out -an old black silk handkerchief and wiped her eyes; but instead of -putting it in her pocket, kept it out, and wiped them again, and -still kept it out, ready for use. - -'What's amiss, dame?' said Mr. Peggotty. - -'Nothing,' returned Mrs. Gummidge. 'You've come from The Willing -Mind, Dan'l?' - -'Why yes, I've took a short spell at The Willing Mind tonight,' -said Mr. Peggotty. - -'I'm sorry I should drive you there,' said Mrs. Gummidge. - -'Drive! I don't want no driving,' returned Mr. Peggotty with an -honest laugh. 'I only go too ready.' - -'Very ready,' said Mrs. Gummidge, shaking her head, and wiping her -eyes. 'Yes, yes, very ready. I am sorry it should be along of me -that you're so ready.' - -'Along o' you! It an't along o' you!' said Mr. Peggotty. 'Don't -ye believe a bit on it.' - -'Yes, yes, it is,' cried Mrs. Gummidge. 'I know what I am. I know -that I am a lone lorn creetur', and not only that everythink goes -contrary with me, but that I go contrary with everybody. Yes, yes. -I feel more than other people do, and I show it more. It's my -misfortun'.' - -I really couldn't help thinking, as I sat taking in all this, that -the misfortune extended to some other members of that family -besides Mrs. Gummidge. But Mr. Peggotty made no such retort, only -answering with another entreaty to Mrs. Gummidge to cheer up. - -'I an't what I could wish myself to be,' said Mrs. Gummidge. 'I am -far from it. I know what I am. My troubles has made me contrary. -I feel my troubles, and they make me contrary. I wish I didn't -feel 'em, but I do. I wish I could be hardened to 'em, but I an't. -I make the house uncomfortable. I don't wonder at it. I've made -your sister so all day, and Master Davy.' - -Here I was suddenly melted, and roared out, 'No, you haven't, Mrs. -Gummidge,' in great mental distress. - -'It's far from right that I should do it,' said Mrs. Gummidge. 'It -an't a fit return. I had better go into the house and die. I am -a lone lorn creetur', and had much better not make myself contrary -here. If thinks must go contrary with me, and I must go contrary -myself, let me go contrary in my parish. Dan'l, I'd better go into -the house, and die and be a riddance!' - -Mrs. Gummidge retired with these words, and betook herself to bed. -When she was gone, Mr. Peggotty, who had not exhibited a trace of -any feeling but the profoundest sympathy, looked round upon us, and -nodding his head with a lively expression of that sentiment still -animating his face, said in a whisper: - -'She's been thinking of the old 'un!' - -I did not quite understand what old one Mrs. Gummidge was supposed -to have fixed her mind upon, until Peggotty, on seeing me to bed, -explained that it was the late Mr. Gummidge; and that her brother -always took that for a received truth on such occasions, and that -it always had a moving effect upon him. Some time after he was in -his hammock that night, I heard him myself repeat to Ham, 'Poor -thing! She's been thinking of the old 'un!' And whenever Mrs. -Gummidge was overcome in a similar manner during the remainder of -our stay (which happened some few times), he always said the same -thing in extenuation of the circumstance, and always with the -tenderest commiseration. - -So the fortnight slipped away, varied by nothing but the variation -of the tide, which altered Mr. Peggotty's times of going out and -coming in, and altered Ham's engagements also. When the latter was -unemployed, he sometimes walked with us to show us the boats and -ships, and once or twice he took us for a row. I don't know why -one slight set of impressions should be more particularly -associated with a place than another, though I believe this obtains -with most people, in reference especially to the associations of -their childhood. I never hear the name, or read the name, of -Yarmouth, but I am reminded of a certain Sunday morning on the -beach, the bells ringing for church, little Em'ly leaning on my -shoulder, Ham lazily dropping stones into the water, and the sun, -away at sea, just breaking through the heavy mist, and showing us -the ships, like their own shadows. - -At last the day came for going home. I bore up against the -separation from Mr. Peggotty and Mrs. Gummidge, but my agony of -mind at leaving little Em'ly was piercing. We went arm-in-arm to -the public-house where the carrier put up, and I promised, on the -road, to write to her. (I redeemed that promise afterwards, in -characters larger than those in which apartments are usually -announced in manuscript, as being to let.) We were greatly overcome -at parting; and if ever, in my life, I have had a void made in my -heart, I had one made that day. - -Now, all the time I had been on my visit, I had been ungrateful to -my home again, and had thought little or nothing about it. But I -was no sooner turned towards it, than my reproachful young -conscience seemed to point that way with a ready finger; and I -felt, all the more for the sinking of my spirits, that it was my -nest, and that my mother was my comforter and friend. - -This gained upon me as we went along; so that the nearer we drew, -the more familiar the objects became that we passed, the more -excited I was to get there, and to run into her arms. But -Peggotty, instead of sharing in those transports, tried to check -them (though very kindly), and looked confused and out of sorts. - -Blunderstone Rookery would come, however, in spite of her, when the -carrier's horse pleased - and did. How well I recollect it, on a -cold grey afternoon, with a dull sky, threatening rain! - -The door opened, and I looked, half laughing and half crying in my -pleasant agitation, for my mother. It was not she, but a strange -servant. - -'Why, Peggotty!' I said, ruefully, 'isn't she come home?' - -'Yes, yes, Master Davy,' said Peggotty. 'She's come home. Wait a -bit, Master Davy, and I'll - I'll tell you something.' - -Between her agitation, and her natural awkwardness in getting out -of the cart, Peggotty was making a most extraordinary festoon of -herself, but I felt too blank and strange to tell her so. When she -had got down, she took me by the hand; led me, wondering, into the -kitchen; and shut the door. - -'Peggotty!' said I, quite frightened. 'What's the matter?' - -'Nothing's the matter, bless you, Master Davy dear!' she answered, -assuming an air of sprightliness. - -'Something's the matter, I'm sure. Where's mama?' - -'Where's mama, Master Davy?' repeated Peggotty. - -'Yes. Why hasn't she come out to the gate, and what have we come -in here for? Oh, Peggotty!' My eyes were full, and I felt as if -I were going to tumble down. - -'Bless the precious boy!' cried Peggotty, taking hold of me. 'What -is it? Speak, my pet!' - -'Not dead, too! Oh, she's not dead, Peggotty?' - -Peggotty cried out No! with an astonishing volume of voice; and -then sat down, and began to pant, and said I had given her a turn. - -I gave her a hug to take away the turn, or to give her another turn -in the right direction, and then stood before her, looking at her -in anxious inquiry. - -'You see, dear, I should have told you before now,' said Peggotty, -'but I hadn't an opportunity. I ought to have made it, perhaps, -but I couldn't azackly' - that was always the substitute for -exactly, in Peggotty's militia of words - 'bring my mind to it.' - -'Go on, Peggotty,' said I, more frightened than before. - -'Master Davy,' said Peggotty, untying her bonnet with a shaking -hand, and speaking in a breathless sort of way. 'What do you -think? You have got a Pa!' - -I trembled, and turned white. Something - I don't know what, or -how - connected with the grave in the churchyard, and the raising -of the dead, seemed to strike me like an unwholesome wind. - -'A new one,' said Peggotty. - -'A new one?' I repeated. - -Peggotty gave a gasp, as if she were swallowing something that was -very hard, and, putting out her hand, said: - -'Come and see him.' - -'I don't want to see him.' - -- 'And your mama,' said Peggotty. - -I ceased to draw back, and we went straight to the best parlour, -where she left me. On one side of the fire, sat my mother; on the -other, Mr. Murdstone. My mother dropped her work, and arose -hurriedly, but timidly I thought. - -'Now, Clara my dear,' said Mr. Murdstone. 'Recollect! control -yourself, always control yourself! Davy boy, how do you do?' - -I gave him my hand. After a moment of suspense, I went and kissed -my mother: she kissed me, patted me gently on the shoulder, and sat -down again to her work. I could not look at her, I could not look -at him, I knew quite well that he was looking at us both; and I -turned to the window and looked out there, at some shrubs that were -drooping their heads in the cold. - -As soon as I could creep away, I crept upstairs. My old dear -bedroom was changed, and I was to lie a long way off. I rambled -downstairs to find anything that was like itself, so altered it all -seemed; and roamed into the yard. I very soon started back from -there, for the empty dog-kennel was filled up with a great dog - -deep mouthed and black-haired like Him - and he was very angry at -the sight of me, and sprang out to get at me. - - - -CHAPTER 4 -I FALL INTO DISGRACE - - -If the room to which my bed was removed were a sentient thing that -could give evidence, I might appeal to it at this day - who sleeps -there now, I wonder! - to bear witness for me what a heavy heart I -carried to it. I went up there, hearing the dog in the yard bark -after me all the way while I climbed the stairs; and, looking as -blank and strange upon the room as the room looked upon me, sat -down with my small hands crossed, and thought. - -I thought of the oddest things. Of the shape of the room, of the -cracks in the ceiling, of the paper on the walls, of the flaws in -the window-glass making ripples and dimples on the prospect, of the -washing-stand being rickety on its three legs, and having a -discontented something about it, which reminded me of Mrs. Gummidge -under the influence of the old one. I was crying all the time, -but, except that I was conscious of being cold and dejected, I am -sure I never thought why I cried. At last in my desolation I began -to consider that I was dreadfully in love with little Em'ly, and -had been torn away from her to come here where no one seemed to -want me, or to care about me, half as much as she did. This made -such a very miserable piece of business of it, that I rolled myself -up in a corner of the counterpane, and cried myself to sleep. - -I was awoke by somebody saying 'Here he is!' and uncovering my hot -head. My mother and Peggotty had come to look for me, and it was -one of them who had done it. - -'Davy,' said my mother. 'What's the matter?' - -I thought it was very strange that she should ask me, and answered, -'Nothing.' I turned over on my face, I recollect, to hide my -trembling lip, which answered her with greater truth. -'Davy,' said my mother. 'Davy, my child!' - -I dare say no words she could have uttered would have affected me -so much, then, as her calling me her child. I hid my tears in the -bedclothes, and pressed her from me with my hand, when she would -have raised me up. - -'This is your doing, Peggotty, you cruel thing!' said my mother. -'I have no doubt at all about it. How can you reconcile it to your -conscience, I wonder, to prejudice my own boy against me, or -against anybody who is dear to me? What do you mean by it, -Peggotty?' - -Poor Peggotty lifted up her hands and eyes, and only answered, in -a sort of paraphrase of the grace I usually repeated after dinner, -'Lord forgive you, Mrs. Copperfield, and for what you have said -this minute, may you never be truly sorry!' - -'It's enough to distract me,' cried my mother. 'In my honeymoon, -too, when my most inveterate enemy might relent, one would think, -and not envy me a little peace of mind and happiness. Davy, you -naughty boy! Peggotty, you savage creature! Oh, dear me!' cried -my mother, turning from one of us to the other, in her pettish -wilful manner, 'what a troublesome world this is, when one has the -most right to expect it to be as agreeable as possible!' - -I felt the touch of a hand that I knew was neither hers nor -Peggotty's, and slipped to my feet at the bed-side. It was Mr. -Murdstone's hand, and he kept it on my arm as he said: - -'What's this? Clara, my love, have you forgotten? - Firmness, my -dear!' - -'I am very sorry, Edward,' said my mother. 'I meant to be very -good, but I am so uncomfortable.' - -'Indeed!' he answered. 'That's a bad hearing, so soon, Clara.' - -'I say it's very hard I should be made so now,' returned my mother, -pouting; 'and it is - very hard - isn't it?' - -He drew her to him, whispered in her ear, and kissed her. I knew -as well, when I saw my mother's head lean down upon his shoulder, -and her arm touch his neck - I knew as well that he could mould her -pliant nature into any form he chose, as I know, now, that he did -it. - -'Go you below, my love,' said Mr. Murdstone. 'David and I will -come down, together. My friend,' turning a darkening face on -Peggotty, when he had watched my mother out, and dismissed her with -a nod and a smile; 'do you know your mistress's name?' - -'She has been my mistress a long time, sir,' answered Peggotty, 'I -ought to know it.' -'That's true,' he answered. 'But I thought I heard you, as I came -upstairs, address her by a name that is not hers. She has taken -mine, you know. Will you remember that?' - -Peggotty, with some uneasy glances at me, curtseyed herself out of -the room without replying; seeing, I suppose, that she was expected -to go, and had no excuse for remaining. When we two were left -alone, he shut the door, and sitting on a chair, and holding me -standing before him, looked steadily into my eyes. I felt my own -attracted, no less steadily, to his. As I recall our being opposed -thus, face to face, I seem again to hear my heart beat fast and -high. - -'David,' he said, making his lips thin, by pressing them together, -'if I have an obstinate horse or dog to deal with, what do you -think I do?' - -'I don't know.' - -'I beat him.' - -I had answered in a kind of breathless whisper, but I felt, in my -silence, that my breath was shorter now. - -'I make him wince, and smart. I say to myself, "I'll conquer that -fellow"; and if it were to cost him all the blood he had, I should -do it. What is that upon your face?' - -'Dirt,' I said. - -He knew it was the mark of tears as well as I. But if he had asked -the question twenty times, each time with twenty blows, I believe -my baby heart would have burst before I would have told him so. - -'You have a good deal of intelligence for a little fellow,' he -said, with a grave smile that belonged to him, 'and you understood -me very well, I see. Wash that face, sir, and come down with me.' - -He pointed to the washing-stand, which I had made out to be like -Mrs. Gummidge, and motioned me with his head to obey him directly. -I had little doubt then, and I have less doubt now, that he would -have knocked me down without the least compunction, if I had -hesitated. - -'Clara, my dear,' he said, when I had done his bidding, and he -walked me into the parlour, with his hand still on my arm; 'you -will not be made uncomfortable any more, I hope. We shall soon -improve our youthful humours.' - -God help me, I might have been improved for my whole life, I might -have been made another creature perhaps, for life, by a kind word -at that season. A word of encouragement and explanation, of pity -for my childish ignorance, of welcome home, of reassurance to me -that it was home, might have made me dutiful to him in my heart -henceforth, instead of in my hypocritical outside, and might have -made me respect instead of hate him. I thought my mother was sorry -to see me standing in the room so scared and strange, and that, -presently, when I stole to a chair, she followed me with her eyes -more sorrowfully still - missing, perhaps, some freedom in my -childish tread - but the word was not spoken, and the time for it -was gone. - -We dined alone, we three together. He seemed to be very fond of my -mother - I am afraid I liked him none the better for that - and she -was very fond of him. I gathered from what they said, that an -elder sister of his was coming to stay with them, and that she was -expected that evening. I am not certain whether I found out then, -or afterwards, that, without being actively concerned in any -business, he had some share in, or some annual charge upon the -profits of, a wine-merchant's house in London, with which his -family had been connected from his great-grandfather's time, and in -which his sister had a similar interest; but I may mention it in -this place, whether or no. - -After dinner, when we were sitting by the fire, and I was -meditating an escape to Peggotty without having the hardihood to -slip away, lest it should offend the master of the house, a coach -drove up to the garden-gate and he went out to receive the visitor. -My mother followed him. I was timidly following her, when she -turned round at the parlour door, in the dusk, and taking me in her -embrace as she had been used to do, whispered me to love my new -father and be obedient to him. She did this hurriedly and -secretly, as if it were wrong, but tenderly; and, putting out her -hand behind her, held mine in it, until we came near to where he -was standing in the garden, where she let mine go, and drew hers -through his arm. - -It was Miss Murdstone who was arrived, and a gloomy-looking lady -she was; dark, like her brother, whom she greatly resembled in face -and voice; and with very heavy eyebrows, nearly meeting over her -large nose, as if, being disabled by the wrongs of her sex from -wearing whiskers, she had carried them to that account. She -brought with her two uncompromising hard black boxes, with her -initials on the lids in hard brass nails. When she paid the -coachman she took her money out of a hard steel purse, and she kept -the purse in a very jail of a bag which hung upon her arm by a -heavy chain, and shut up like a bite. I had never, at that time, -seen such a metallic lady altogether as Miss Murdstone was. - -She was brought into the parlour with many tokens of welcome, and -there formally recognized my mother as a new and near relation. -Then she looked at me, and said: - -'Is that your boy, sister-in-law?' - -My mother acknowledged me. - -'Generally speaking,' said Miss Murdstone, 'I don't like boys. How -d'ye do, boy?' - -Under these encouraging circumstances, I replied that I was very -well, and that I hoped she was the same; with such an indifferent -grace, that Miss Murdstone disposed of me in two words: - -'Wants manner!' - -Having uttered which, with great distinctness, she begged the -favour of being shown to her room, which became to me from that -time forth a place of awe and dread, wherein the two black boxes -were never seen open or known to be left unlocked, and where (for -I peeped in once or twice when she was out) numerous little steel -fetters and rivets, with which Miss Murdstone embellished herself -when she was dressed, generally hung upon the looking-glass in -formidable array. - -As well as I could make out, she had come for good, and had no -intention of ever going again. She began to 'help' my mother next -morning, and was in and out of the store-closet all day, putting -things to rights, and making havoc in the old arrangements. Almost -the first remarkable thing I observed in Miss Murdstone was, her -being constantly haunted by a suspicion that the servants had a man -secreted somewhere on the premises. Under the influence of this -delusion, she dived into the coal-cellar at the most untimely -hours, and scarcely ever opened the door of a dark cupboard without -clapping it to again, in the belief that she had got him. - -Though there was nothing very airy about Miss Murdstone, she was a -perfect Lark in point of getting up. She was up (and, as I believe -to this hour, looking for that man) before anybody in the house was -stirring. Peggotty gave it as her opinion that she even slept with -one eye open; but I could not concur in this idea; for I tried it -myself after hearing the suggestion thrown out, and found it -couldn't be done. - -On the very first morning after her arrival she was up and ringing -her bell at cock-crow. When my mother came down to breakfast and -was going to make the tea, Miss Murdstone gave her a kind of peck -on the cheek, which was her nearest approach to a kiss, and said: - -'Now, Clara, my dear, I am come here, you know, to relieve you of -all the trouble I can. You're much too pretty and thoughtless' - -my mother blushed but laughed, and seemed not to dislike this -character - 'to have any duties imposed upon you that can be -undertaken by me. If you'll be so good as give me your keys, my -dear, I'll attend to all this sort of thing in future.' - -From that time, Miss Murdstone kept the keys in her own little jail -all day, and under her pillow all night, and my mother had no more -to do with them than I had. - -My mother did not suffer her authority to pass from her without a -shadow of protest. One night when Miss Murdstone had been -developing certain household plans to her brother, of which he -signified his approbation, my mother suddenly began to cry, and -said she thought she might have been consulted. - -'Clara!' said Mr. Murdstone sternly. 'Clara! I wonder at you.' - -'Oh, it's very well to say you wonder, Edward!' cried my mother, -'and it's very well for you to talk about firmness, but you -wouldn't like it yourself.' - -Firmness, I may observe, was the grand quality on which both Mr. -and Miss Murdstone took their stand. However I might have -expressed my comprehension of it at that time, if I had been called -upon, I nevertheless did clearly comprehend in my own way, that it -was another name for tyranny; and for a certain gloomy, arrogant, -devil's humour, that was in them both. The creed, as I should -state it now, was this. Mr. Murdstone was firm; nobody in his -world was to be so firm as Mr. Murdstone; nobody else in his world -was to be firm at all, for everybody was to be bent to his -firmness. Miss Murdstone was an exception. She might be firm, but -only by relationship, and in an inferior and tributary degree. My -mother was another exception. She might be firm, and must be; but -only in bearing their firmness, and firmly believing there was no -other firmness upon earth. - -'It's very hard,' said my mother, 'that in my own house -' - -'My own house?' repeated Mr. Murdstone. 'Clara!' - -'OUR own house, I mean,' faltered my mother, evidently frightened -- 'I hope you must know what I mean, Edward - it's very hard that -in YOUR own house I may not have a word to say about domestic -matters. I am sure I managed very well before we were married. -There's evidence,' said my mother, sobbing; 'ask Peggotty if I -didn't do very well when I wasn't interfered with!' - -'Edward,' said Miss Murdstone, 'let there be an end of this. I go -tomorrow.' - -'Jane Murdstone,' said her brother, 'be silent! How dare you to -insinuate that you don't know my character better than your words -imply?' - -'I am sure,' my poor mother went on, at a grievous disadvantage, -and with many tears, 'I don't want anybody to go. I should be very -miserable and unhappy if anybody was to go. I don't ask much. I -am not unreasonable. I only want to be consulted sometimes. I am -very much obliged to anybody who assists me, and I only want to be -consulted as a mere form, sometimes. I thought you were pleased, -once, with my being a little inexperienced and girlish, Edward - I -am sure you said so - but you seem to hate me for it now, you are -so severe.' - -'Edward,' said Miss Murdstone, again, 'let there be an end of this. -I go tomorrow.' - -'Jane Murdstone,' thundered Mr. Murdstone. 'Will you be silent? -How dare you?' - -Miss Murdstone made a jail-delivery of her pocket-handkerchief, and -held it before her eyes. - -'Clara,' he continued, looking at my mother, 'you surprise me! You -astound me! Yes, I had a satisfaction in the thought of marrying -an inexperienced and artless person, and forming her character, and -infusing into it some amount of that firmness and decision of which -it stood in need. But when Jane Murdstone is kind enough to come -to my assistance in this endeavour, and to assume, for my sake, a -condition something like a housekeeper's, and when she meets with -a base return -' - -'Oh, pray, pray, Edward,' cried my mother, 'don't accuse me of -being ungrateful. I am sure I am not ungrateful. No one ever said -I was before. I have many faults, but not that. Oh, don't, my -dear!' - -'When Jane Murdstone meets, I say,' he went on, after waiting until -my mother was silent, 'with a base return, that feeling of mine is -chilled and altered.' - -'Don't, my love, say that!' implored my mother very piteously. -'Oh, don't, Edward! I can't bear to hear it. Whatever I am, I am -affectionate. I know I am affectionate. I wouldn't say it, if I -wasn't sure that I am. Ask Peggotty. I am sure she'll tell you -I'm affectionate.' - -'There is no extent of mere weakness, Clara,' said Mr. Murdstone in -reply, 'that can have the least weight with me. You lose breath.' - -'Pray let us be friends,' said my mother, 'I couldn't live under -coldness or unkindness. I am so sorry. I have a great many -defects, I know, and it's very good of you, Edward, with your -strength of mind, to endeavour to correct them for me. Jane, I -don't object to anything. I should be quite broken-hearted if you -thought of leaving -' My mother was too much overcome to go on. - -'Jane Murdstone,' said Mr. Murdstone to his sister, 'any harsh -words between us are, I hope, uncommon. It is not my fault that so -unusual an occurrence has taken place tonight. I was betrayed into -it by another. Nor is it your fault. You were betrayed into it by -another. Let us both try to forget it. And as this,' he added, -after these magnanimous words, 'is not a fit scene for the boy - -David, go to bed!' - -I could hardly find the door, through the tears that stood in my -eyes. I was so sorry for my mother's distress; but I groped my way -out, and groped my way up to my room in the dark, without even -having the heart to say good night to Peggotty, or to get a candle -from her. When her coming up to look for me, an hour or so -afterwards, awoke me, she said that my mother had gone to bed -poorly, and that Mr. and Miss Murdstone were sitting alone. - -Going down next morning rather earlier than usual, I paused outside -the parlour door, on hearing my mother's voice. She was very -earnestly and humbly entreating Miss Murdstone's pardon, which that -lady granted, and a perfect reconciliation took place. I never -knew my mother afterwards to give an opinion on any matter, without -first appealing to Miss Murdstone, or without having first -ascertained by some sure means, what Miss Murdstone's opinion was; -and I never saw Miss Murdstone, when out of temper (she was infirm -that way), move her hand towards her bag as if she were going to -take out the keys and offer to resign them to my mother, without -seeing that my mother was in a terrible fright. - -The gloomy taint that was in the Murdstone blood, darkened the -Murdstone religion, which was austere and wrathful. I have -thought, since, that its assuming that character was a necessary -consequence of Mr. Murdstone's firmness, which wouldn't allow him -to let anybody off from the utmost weight of the severest penalties -he could find any excuse for. Be this as it may, I well remember -the tremendous visages with which we used to go to church, and the -changed air of the place. Again, the dreaded Sunday comes round, -and I file into the old pew first, like a guarded captive brought -to a condemned service. Again, Miss Murdstone, in a black velvet -gown, that looks as if it had been made out of a pall, follows -close upon me; then my mother; then her husband. There is no -Peggotty now, as in the old time. Again, I listen to Miss -Murdstone mumbling the responses, and emphasizing all the dread -words with a cruel relish. Again, I see her dark eyes roll round -the church when she says 'miserable sinners', as if she were -calling all the congregation names. Again, I catch rare glimpses -of my mother, moving her lips timidly between the two, with one of -them muttering at each ear like low thunder. Again, I wonder with -a sudden fear whether it is likely that our good old clergyman can -be wrong, and Mr. and Miss Murdstone right, and that all the angels -in Heaven can be destroying angels. Again, if I move a finger or -relax a muscle of my face, Miss Murdstone pokes me with her -prayer-book, and makes my side ache. - -Yes, and again, as we walk home, I note some neighbours looking at -my mother and at me, and whispering. Again, as the three go on -arm-in-arm, and I linger behind alone, I follow some of those -looks, and wonder if my mother's step be really not so light as I -have seen it, and if the gaiety of her beauty be really almost -worried away. Again, I wonder whether any of the neighbours call -to mind, as I do, how we used to walk home together, she and I; and -I wonder stupidly about that, all the dreary dismal day. - -There had been some talk on occasions of my going to boarding- -school. Mr. and Miss Murdstone had originated it, and my mother -had of course agreed with them. Nothing, however, was concluded on -the subject yet. In the meantime, I learnt lessons at home. -Shall I ever forget those lessons! They were presided over -nominally by my mother, but really by Mr. Murdstone and his sister, -who were always present, and found them a favourable occasion for -giving my mother lessons in that miscalled firmness, which was the -bane of both our lives. I believe I was kept at home for that -purpose. I had been apt enough to learn, and willing enough, when -my mother and I had lived alone together. I can faintly remember -learning the alphabet at her knee. To this day, when I look upon -the fat black letters in the primer, the puzzling novelty of their -shapes, and the easy good-nature of O and Q and S, seem to present -themselves again before me as they used to do. But they recall no -feeling of disgust or reluctance. On the contrary, I seem to have -walked along a path of flowers as far as the crocodile-book, and to -have been cheered by the gentleness of my mother's voice and manner -all the way. But these solemn lessons which succeeded those, I -remember as the death-blow of my peace, and a grievous daily -drudgery and misery. They were very long, very numerous, very hard -- perfectly unintelligible, some of them, to me - and I was -generally as much bewildered by them as I believe my poor mother -was herself. - -Let me remember how it used to be, and bring one morning back -again. - -I come into the second-best parlour after breakfast, with my books, -and an exercise-book, and a slate. My mother is ready for me at -her writing-desk, but not half so ready as Mr. Murdstone in his -easy-chair by the window (though he pretends to be reading a book), -or as Miss Murdstone, sitting near my mother stringing steel beads. -The very sight of these two has such an influence over me, that I -begin to feel the words I have been at infinite pains to get into -my head, all sliding away, and going I don't know where. I wonder -where they do go, by the by? - -I hand the first book to my mother. Perhaps it is a grammar, -perhaps a history, or geography. I take a last drowning look at -the page as I give it into her hand, and start off aloud at a -racing pace while I have got it fresh. I trip over a word. Mr. -Murdstone looks up. I trip over another word. Miss Murdstone -looks up. I redden, tumble over half-a-dozen words, and stop. I -think my mother would show me the book if she dared, but she does -not dare, and she says softly: - -'Oh, Davy, Davy!' - -'Now, Clara,' says Mr. Murdstone, 'be firm with the boy. Don't -say, "Oh, Davy, Davy!" That's childish. He knows his lesson, or -he does not know it.' - -'He does NOT know it,' Miss Murdstone interposes awfully. - -'I am really afraid he does not,' says my mother. - -'Then, you see, Clara,' returns Miss Murdstone, 'you should just -give him the book back, and make him know it.' - -'Yes, certainly,' says my mother; 'that is what I intend to do, my -dear Jane. Now, Davy, try once more, and don't be stupid.' - -I obey the first clause of the injunction by trying once more, but -am not so successful with the second, for I am very stupid. I -tumble down before I get to the old place, at a point where I was -all right before, and stop to think. But I can't think about the -lesson. I think of the number of yards of net in Miss Murdstone's -cap, or of the price of Mr. Murdstone's dressing-gown, or any such -ridiculous problem that I have no business with, and don't want to -have anything at all to do with. Mr. Murdstone makes a movement of -impatience which I have been expecting for a long time. Miss -Murdstone does the same. My mother glances submissively at them, -shuts the book, and lays it by as an arrear to be worked out when -my other tasks are done. - -There is a pile of these arrears very soon, and it swells like a -rolling snowball. The bigger it gets, the more stupid I get. The -case is so hopeless, and I feel that I am wallowing in such a bog -of nonsense, that I give up all idea of getting out, and abandon -myself to my fate. The despairing way in which my mother and I -look at each other, as I blunder on, is truly melancholy. But the -greatest effect in these miserable lessons is when my mother -(thinking nobody is observing her) tries to give me the cue by the -motion of her lips. At that instant, Miss Murdstone, who has been -lying in wait for nothing else all along, says in a deep warning -voice: - -'Clara!' - -My mother starts, colours, and smiles faintly. Mr. Murdstone comes -out of his chair, takes the book, throws it at me or boxes my ears -with it, and turns me out of the room by the shoulders. - -Even when the lessons are done, the worst is yet to happen, in the -shape of an appalling sum. This is invented for me, and delivered -to me orally by Mr. Murdstone, and begins, 'If I go into a -cheesemonger's shop, and buy five thousand double-Gloucester -cheeses at fourpence-halfpenny each, present payment' - at which I -see Miss Murdstone secretly overjoyed. I pore over these cheeses -without any result or enlightenment until dinner-time, when, having -made a Mulatto of myself by getting the dirt of the slate into the -pores of my skin, I have a slice of bread to help me out with the -cheeses, and am considered in disgrace for the rest of the evening. - -It seems to me, at this distance of time, as if my unfortunate -studies generally took this course. I could have done very well if -I had been without the Murdstones; but the influence of the -Murdstones upon me was like the fascination of two snakes on a -wretched young bird. Even when I did get through the morning with -tolerable credit, there was not much gained but dinner; for Miss -Murdstone never could endure to see me untasked, and if I rashly -made any show of being unemployed, called her brother's attention -to me by saying, 'Clara, my dear, there's nothing like work - give -your boy an exercise'; which caused me to be clapped down to some -new labour, there and then. As to any recreation with other -children of my age, I had very little of that; for the gloomy -theology of the Murdstones made all children out to be a swarm of -little vipers (though there WAS a child once set in the midst of -the Disciples), and held that they contaminated one another. - -The natural result of this treatment, continued, I suppose, for -some six months or more, was to make me sullen, dull, and dogged. -I was not made the less so by my sense of being daily more and more -shut out and alienated from my mother. I believe I should have -been almost stupefied but for one circumstance. - -It was this. My father had left a small collection of books in a -little room upstairs, to which I had access (for it adjoined my -own) and which nobody else in our house ever troubled. From that -blessed little room, Roderick Random, Peregrine Pickle, Humphrey -Clinker, Tom Jones, the Vicar of Wakefield, Don Quixote, Gil Blas, -and Robinson Crusoe, came out, a glorious host, to keep me company. -They kept alive my fancy, and my hope of something beyond that -place and time, - they, and the Arabian Nights, and the Tales of -the Genii, - and did me no harm; for whatever harm was in some of -them was not there for me; I knew nothing of it. It is astonishing -to me now, how I found time, in the midst of my porings and -blunderings over heavier themes, to read those books as I did. It -is curious to me how I could ever have consoled myself under my -small troubles (which were great troubles to me), by impersonating -my favourite characters in them - as I did - and by putting Mr. and -Miss Murdstone into all the bad ones - which I did too. I have -been Tom Jones (a child's Tom Jones, a harmless creature) for a -week together. I have sustained my own idea of Roderick Random for -a month at a stretch, I verily believe. I had a greedy relish for -a few volumes of Voyages and Travels - I forget what, now - that -were on those shelves; and for days and days I can remember to have -gone about my region of our house, armed with the centre-piece out -of an old set of boot-trees - the perfect realization of Captain -Somebody, of the Royal British Navy, in danger of being beset by -savages, and resolved to sell his life at a great price. The -Captain never lost dignity, from having his ears boxed with the -Latin Grammar. I did; but the Captain was a Captain and a hero, in -despite of all the grammars of all the languages in the world, dead -or alive. - -This was my only and my constant comfort. When I think of it, the -picture always rises in my mind, of a summer evening, the boys at -play in the churchyard, and I sitting on my bed, reading as if for -life. Every barn in the neighbourhood, every stone in the church, -and every foot of the churchyard, had some association of its own, -in my mind, connected with these books, and stood for some locality -made famous in them. I have seen Tom Pipes go climbing up the -church-steeple; I have watched Strap, with the knapsack on his -back, stopping to rest himself upon the wicket-gate; and I know -that Commodore Trunnion held that club with Mr. Pickle, in the -parlour of our little village alehouse. - -The reader now understands, as well as I do, what I was when I came -to that point of my youthful history to which I am now coming -again. - -One morning when I went into the parlour with my books, I found my -mother looking anxious, Miss Murdstone looking firm, and Mr. -Murdstone binding something round the bottom of a cane - a lithe -and limber cane, which he left off binding when I came in, and -poised and switched in the air. - -'I tell you, Clara,' said Mr. Murdstone, 'I have been often flogged -myself.' - -'To be sure; of course,' said Miss Murdstone. - -'Certainly, my dear Jane,' faltered my mother, meekly. 'But - but -do you think it did Edward good?' - -'Do you think it did Edward harm, Clara?' asked Mr. Murdstone, -gravely. - -'That's the point,' said his sister. - -To this my mother returned, 'Certainly, my dear Jane,' and said no -more. - -I felt apprehensive that I was personally interested in this -dialogue, and sought Mr. Murdstone's eye as it lighted on mine. - -'Now, David,' he said - and I saw that cast again as he said it - -'you must be far more careful today than usual.' He gave the cane -another poise, and another switch; and having finished his -preparation of it, laid it down beside him, with an impressive -look, and took up his book. - -This was a good freshener to my presence of mind, as a beginning. -I felt the words of my lessons slipping off, not one by one, or -line by line, but by the entire page; I tried to lay hold of them; -but they seemed, if I may so express it, to have put skates on, and -to skim away from me with a smoothness there was no checking. - -We began badly, and went on worse. I had come in with an idea of -distinguishing myself rather, conceiving that I was very well -prepared; but it turned out to be quite a mistake. Book after book -was added to the heap of failures, Miss Murdstone being firmly -watchful of us all the time. And when we came at last to the five -thousand cheeses (canes he made it that day, I remember), my mother -burst out crying. - -'Clara!' said Miss Murdstone, in her warning voice. - -'I am not quite well, my dear Jane, I think,' said my mother. - -I saw him wink, solemnly, at his sister, as he rose and said, -taking up the cane: - -'Why, Jane, we can hardly expect Clara to bear, with perfect -firmness, the worry and torment that David has occasioned her -today. That would be stoical. Clara is greatly strengthened and -improved, but we can hardly expect so much from her. David, you -and I will go upstairs, boy.' - -As he took me out at the door, my mother ran towards us. Miss -Murdstone said, 'Clara! are you a perfect fool?' and interfered. -I saw my mother stop her ears then, and I heard her crying. - -He walked me up to my room slowly and gravely - I am certain he had -a delight in that formal parade of executing justice - and when we -got there, suddenly twisted my head under his arm. - -'Mr. Murdstone! Sir!' I cried to him. 'Don't! Pray don't beat -me! I have tried to learn, sir, but I can't learn while you and -Miss Murdstone are by. I can't indeed!' - -'Can't you, indeed, David?' he said. 'We'll try that.' - -He had my head as in a vice, but I twined round him somehow, and -stopped him for a moment, entreating him not to beat me. It was -only a moment that I stopped him, for he cut me heavily an instant -afterwards, and in the same instant I caught the hand with which he -held me in my mouth, between my teeth, and bit it through. It sets -my teeth on edge to think of it. - -He beat me then, as if he would have beaten me to death. Above all -the noise we made, I heard them running up the stairs, and crying -out - I heard my mother crying out - and Peggotty. Then he was -gone; and the door was locked outside; and I was lying, fevered and -hot, and torn, and sore, and raging in my puny way, upon the floor. - -How well I recollect, when I became quiet, what an unnatural -stillness seemed to reign through the whole house! How well I -remember, when my smart and passion began to cool, how wicked I -began to feel! - -I sat listening for a long while, but there was not a sound. I -crawled up from the floor, and saw my face in the glass, so -swollen, red, and ugly that it almost frightened me. My stripes -were sore and stiff, and made me cry afresh, when I moved; but they -were nothing to the guilt I felt. It lay heavier on my breast than -if I had been a most atrocious criminal, I dare say. - -It had begun to grow dark, and I had shut the window (I had been -lying, for the most part, with my head upon the sill, by turns -crying, dozing, and looking listlessly out), when the key was -turned, and Miss Murdstone came in with some bread and meat, and -milk. These she put down upon the table without a word, glaring at -me the while with exemplary firmness, and then retired, locking the -door after her. - -Long after it was dark I sat there, wondering whether anybody else -would come. When this appeared improbable for that night, I -undressed, and went to bed; and, there, I began to wonder fearfully -what would be done to me. Whether it was a criminal act that I had -committed? Whether I should be taken into custody, and sent to -prison? Whether I was at all in danger of being hanged? - -I never shall forget the waking, next morning; the being cheerful -and fresh for the first moment, and then the being weighed down by -the stale and dismal oppression of remembrance. Miss Murdstone -reappeared before I was out of bed; told me, in so many words, that -I was free to walk in the garden for half an hour and no longer; -and retired, leaving the door open, that I might avail myself of -that permission. - -I did so, and did so every morning of my imprisonment, which lasted -five days. If I could have seen my mother alone, I should have -gone down on my knees to her and besought her forgiveness; but I -saw no one, Miss Murdstone excepted, during the whole time - except -at evening prayers in the parlour; to which I was escorted by Miss -Murdstone after everybody else was placed; where I was stationed, -a young outlaw, all alone by myself near the door; and whence I was -solemnly conducted by my jailer, before any one arose from the -devotional posture. I only observed that my mother was as far off -from me as she could be, and kept her face another way so that I -never saw it; and that Mr. Murdstone's hand was bound up in a large -linen wrapper. - -The length of those five days I can convey no idea of to any one. -They occupy the place of years in my remembrance. The way in which -I listened to all the incidents of the house that made themselves -audible to me; the ringing of bells, the opening and shutting of -doors, the murmuring of voices, the footsteps on the stairs; to any -laughing, whistling, or singing, outside, which seemed more dismal -than anything else to me in my solitude and disgrace - the -uncertain pace of the hours, especially at night, when I would wake -thinking it was morning, and find that the family were not yet gone -to bed, and that all the length of night had yet to come - the -depressed dreams and nightmares I had - the return of day, noon, -afternoon, evening, when the boys played in the churchyard, and I -watched them from a distance within the room, being ashamed to show -myself at the window lest they should know I was a prisoner - the -strange sensation of never hearing myself speak - the fleeting -intervals of something like cheerfulness, which came with eating -and drinking, and went away with it - the setting in of rain one -evening, with a fresh smell, and its coming down faster and faster -between me and the church, until it and gathering night seemed to -quench me in gloom, and fear, and remorse - all this appears to -have gone round and round for years instead of days, it is so -vividly and strongly stamped on my remembrance. -On the last night of my restraint, I was awakened by hearing my own -name spoken in a whisper. I started up in bed, and putting out my -arms in the dark, said: - -'Is that you, Peggotty?' - -There was no immediate answer, but presently I heard my name again, -in a tone so very mysterious and awful, that I think I should have -gone into a fit, if it had not occurred to me that it must have -come through the keyhole. - -I groped my way to the door, and putting my own lips to the -keyhole, whispered: 'Is that you, Peggotty dear?' - -'Yes, my own precious Davy,' she replied. 'Be as soft as a mouse, -or the Cat'll hear us.' - -I understood this to mean Miss Murdstone, and was sensible of the -urgency of the case; her room being close by. - -'How's mama, dear Peggotty? Is she very angry with me?' - -I could hear Peggotty crying softly on her side of the keyhole, as -I was doing on mine, before she answered. 'No. Not very.' - -'What is going to be done with me, Peggotty dear? Do you know?' - -'School. Near London,' was Peggotty's answer. I was obliged to -get her to repeat it, for she spoke it the first time quite down my -throat, in consequence of my having forgotten to take my mouth away -from the keyhole and put my ear there; and though her words tickled -me a good deal, I didn't hear them. - -'When, Peggotty?' - -'Tomorrow.' - -'Is that the reason why Miss Murdstone took the clothes out of my -drawers?' which she had done, though I have forgotten to mention -it. - -'Yes,' said Peggotty. 'Box.' - -'Shan't I see mama?' - -'Yes,' said Peggotty. 'Morning.' - -Then Peggotty fitted her mouth close to the keyhole, and delivered -these words through it with as much feeling and earnestness as a -keyhole has ever been the medium of communicating, I will venture -to assert: shooting in each broken little sentence in a convulsive -little burst of its own. - -'Davy, dear. If I ain't been azackly as intimate with you. -Lately, as I used to be. It ain't because I don't love you. Just -as well and more, my pretty poppet. It's because I thought it -better for you. And for someone else besides. Davy, my darling, -are you listening? Can you hear?' - -'Ye-ye-ye-yes, Peggotty!' I sobbed. - -'My own!' said Peggotty, with infinite compassion. 'What I want to -say, is. That you must never forget me. For I'll never forget -you. And I'll take as much care of your mama, Davy. As ever I -took of you. And I won't leave her. The day may come when she'll -be glad to lay her poor head. On her stupid, cross old Peggotty's -arm again. And I'll write to you, my dear. Though I ain't no -scholar. And I'll - I'll -' Peggotty fell to kissing the keyhole, -as she couldn't kiss me. - -'Thank you, dear Peggotty!' said I. 'Oh, thank you! Thank you! -Will you promise me one thing, Peggotty? Will you write and tell -Mr. Peggotty and little Em'ly, and Mrs. Gummidge and Ham, that I am -not so bad as they might suppose, and that I sent 'em all my love -- especially to little Em'ly? Will you, if you please, Peggotty?' - -The kind soul promised, and we both of us kissed the keyhole with -the greatest affection - I patted it with my hand, I recollect, as -if it had been her honest face - and parted. From that night there -grew up in my breast a feeling for Peggotty which I cannot very -well define. She did not replace my mother; no one could do that; -but she came into a vacancy in my heart, which closed upon her, and -I felt towards her something I have never felt for any other human -being. It was a sort of comical affection, too; and yet if she had -died, I cannot think what I should have done, or how I should have -acted out the tragedy it would have been to me. - -In the morning Miss Murdstone appeared as usual, and told me I was -going to school; which was not altogether such news to me as she -supposed. She also informed me that when I was dressed, I was to -come downstairs into the parlour, and have my breakfast. There, I -found my mother, very pale and with red eyes: into whose arms I -ran, and begged her pardon from my suffering soul. - -'Oh, Davy!' she said. 'That you could hurt anyone I love! Try to -be better, pray to be better! I forgive you; but I am so grieved, -Davy, that you should have such bad passions in your heart.' - -They had persuaded her that I was a wicked fellow, and she was more -sorry for that than for my going away. I felt it sorely. I tried -to eat my parting breakfast, but my tears dropped upon my bread- -and-butter, and trickled into my tea. I saw my mother look at me -sometimes, and then glance at the watchful Miss Murdstone, and than -look down, or look away. - -'Master Copperfield's box there!' said Miss Murdstone, when wheels -were heard at the gate. - -I looked for Peggotty, but it was not she; neither she nor Mr. -Murdstone appeared. My former acquaintance, the carrier, was at -the door. The box was taken out to his cart, and lifted in. - -'Clara!' said Miss Murdstone, in her warning note. - -'Ready, my dear Jane,' returned my mother. 'Good-bye, Davy. You -are going for your own good. Good-bye, my child. You will come -home in the holidays, and be a better boy.' - -'Clara!' Miss Murdstone repeated. - -'Certainly, my dear Jane,' replied my mother, who was holding me. -'I forgive you, my dear boy. God bless you!' - -'Clara!' Miss Murdstone repeated. - -Miss Murdstone was good enough to take me out to the cart, and to -say on the way that she hoped I would repent, before I came to a -bad end; and then I got into the cart, and the lazy horse walked -off with it. - - - -CHAPTER 5 -I AM SENT AWAY FROM HOME - - -We might have gone about half a mile, and my pocket-handkerchief -was quite wet through, when the carrier stopped short. Looking out -to ascertain for what, I saw, to MY amazement, Peggotty burst from -a hedge and climb into the cart. She took me in both her arms, and -squeezed me to her stays until the pressure on my nose was -extremely painful, though I never thought of that till afterwards -when I found it very tender. Not a single word did Peggotty speak. -Releasing one of her arms, she put it down in her pocket to the -elbow, and brought out some paper bags of cakes which she crammed -into my pockets, and a purse which she put into my hand, but not -one word did she say. After another and a final squeeze with both -arms, she got down from the cart and ran away; and, my belief is, -and has always been, without a solitary button on her gown. I -picked up one, of several that were rolling about, and treasured it -as a keepsake for a long time. - -The carrier looked at me, as if to inquire if she were coming back. -I shook my head, and said I thought not. 'Then come up,' said the -carrier to the lazy horse; who came up accordingly. - -Having by this time cried as much as I possibly could, I began to -think it was of no use crying any more, especially as neither -Roderick Random, nor that Captain in the Royal British Navy, had -ever cried, that I could remember, in trying situations. The -carrier, seeing me in this resolution, proposed that my pocket- -handkerchief should be spread upon the horse's back to dry. I -thanked him, and assented; and particularly small it looked, under -those circumstances. - -I had now leisure to examine the purse. It was a stiff leather -purse, with a snap, and had three bright shillings in it, which -Peggotty had evidently polished up with whitening, for my greater -delight. But its most precious contents were two half-crowns -folded together in a bit of paper, on which was written, in my -mother's hand, 'For Davy. With my love.' I was so overcome by -this, that I asked the carrier to be so good as to reach me my -pocket-handkerchief again; but he said he thought I had better do -without it, and I thought I really had, so I wiped my eyes on my -sleeve and stopped myself. - -For good, too; though, in consequence of my previous emotions, I -was still occasionally seized with a stormy sob. After we had -jogged on for some little time, I asked the carrier if he was going -all the way. - -'All the way where?' inquired the carrier. - -'There,' I said. - -'Where's there?' inquired the carrier. - -'Near London,' I said. - -'Why that horse,' said the carrier, jerking the rein to point him -out, 'would be deader than pork afore he got over half the ground.' - -'Are you only going to Yarmouth then?' I asked. - -'That's about it,' said the carrier. 'And there I shall take you -to the stage-cutch, and the stage-cutch that'll take you to - -wherever it is.' - -As this was a great deal for the carrier (whose name was Mr. -Barkis) to say - he being, as I observed in a former chapter, of a -phlegmatic temperament, and not at all conversational - I offered -him a cake as a mark of attention, which he ate at one gulp, -exactly like an elephant, and which made no more impression on his -big face than it would have done on an elephant's. - -'Did SHE make 'em, now?' said Mr. Barkis, always leaning forward, -in his slouching way, on the footboard of the cart with an arm on -each knee. - -'Peggotty, do you mean, sir?' - -'Ah!' said Mr. Barkis. 'Her.' - -'Yes. She makes all our pastry, and does all our cooking.' - -'Do she though?' said Mr. Barkis. -He made up his mouth as if to whistle, but he didn't whistle. He -sat looking at the horse's ears, as if he saw something new there; -and sat so, for a considerable time. By and by, he said: - -'No sweethearts, I b'lieve?' - -'Sweetmeats did you say, Mr. Barkis?' For I thought he wanted -something else to eat, and had pointedly alluded to that -description of refreshment. - -'Hearts,' said Mr. Barkis. 'Sweet hearts; no person walks with -her!' - -'With Peggotty?' - -'Ah!' he said. 'Her.' - -'Oh, no. She never had a sweetheart.' - -'Didn't she, though!' said Mr. Barkis. - -Again he made up his mouth to whistle, and again he didn't whistle, -but sat looking at the horse's ears. - -'So she makes,' said Mr. Barkis, after a long interval of -reflection, 'all the apple parsties, and doos all the cooking, do -she?' - -I replied that such was the fact. - -'Well. I'll tell you what,' said Mr. Barkis. 'P'raps you might be -writin' to her?' - -'I shall certainly write to her,' I rejoined. - -'Ah!' he said, slowly turning his eyes towards me. 'Well! If you -was writin' to her, p'raps you'd recollect to say that Barkis was -willin'; would you?' - -'That Barkis is willing,' I repeated, innocently. 'Is that all the -message?' - -'Ye-es,' he said, considering. 'Ye-es. Barkis is willin'.' - -'But you will be at Blunderstone again tomorrow, Mr. Barkis,' I -said, faltering a little at the idea of my being far away from it -then, and could give your own message so much better.' - -As he repudiated this suggestion, however, with a jerk of his head, -and once more confirmed his previous request by saying, with -profound gravity, 'Barkis is willin'. That's the message,' I -readily undertook its transmission. While I was waiting for the -coach in the hotel at Yarmouth that very afternoon, I procured a -sheet of paper and an inkstand, and wrote a note to Peggotty, which -ran thus: 'My dear Peggotty. I have come here safe. Barkis is -willing. My love to mama. Yours affectionately. P.S. He says he -particularly wants you to know - BARKIS IS WILLING.' - -When I had taken this commission on myself prospectively, Mr. -Barkis relapsed into perfect silence; and I, feeling quite worn out -by all that had happened lately, lay down on a sack in the cart and -fell asleep. I slept soundly until we got to Yarmouth; which was -so entirely new and strange to me in the inn-yard to which we -drove, that I at once abandoned a latent hope I had had of meeting -with some of Mr. Peggotty's family there, perhaps even with little -Em'ly herself. - -The coach was in the yard, shining very much all over, but without -any horses to it as yet; and it looked in that state as if nothing -was more unlikely than its ever going to London. I was thinking -this, and wondering what would ultimately become of my box, which -Mr. Barkis had put down on the yard-pavement by the pole (he having -driven up the yard to turn his cart), and also what would -ultimately become of me, when a lady looked out of a bow-window -where some fowls and joints of meat were hanging up, and said: - -'Is that the little gentleman from Blunderstone?' - -'Yes, ma'am,' I said. - -'What name?' inquired the lady. - -'Copperfield, ma'am,' I said. - -'That won't do,' returned the lady. 'Nobody's dinner is paid for -here, in that name.' - -'Is it Murdstone, ma'am?' I said. - -'If you're Master Murdstone,' said the lady, 'why do you go and -give another name, first?' - -I explained to the lady how it was, who than rang a bell, and -called out, 'William! show the coffee-room!' upon which a waiter -came running out of a kitchen on the opposite side of the yard to -show it, and seemed a good deal surprised when he was only to show -it to me. - -It was a large long room with some large maps in it. I doubt if I -could have felt much stranger if the maps had been real foreign -countries, and I cast away in the middle of them. I felt it was -taking a liberty to sit down, with my cap in my hand, on the corner -of the chair nearest the door; and when the waiter laid a cloth on -purpose for me, and put a set of castors on it, I think I must have -turned red all over with modesty. - -He brought me some chops, and vegetables, and took the covers off -in such a bouncing manner that I was afraid I must have given him -some offence. But he greatly relieved my mind by putting a chair -for me at the table, and saying, very affably, 'Now, six-foot! come -on!' - -I thanked him, and took my seat at the board; but found it -extremely difficult to handle my knife and fork with anything like -dexterity, or to avoid splashing myself with the gravy, while he -was standing opposite, staring so hard, and making me blush in the -most dreadful manner every time I caught his eye. After watching -me into the second chop, he said: - -'There's half a pint of ale for you. Will you have it now?' - -I thanked him and said, 'Yes.' Upon which he poured it out of a -jug into a large tumbler, and held it up against the light, and -made it look beautiful. - -'My eye!' he said. 'It seems a good deal, don't it?' - -'It does seem a good deal,' I answered with a smile. For it was -quite delightful to me, to find him so pleasant. He was a -twinkling-eyed, pimple-faced man, with his hair standing upright -all over his head; and as he stood with one arm a-kimbo, holding up -the glass to the light with the other hand, he looked quite -friendly. - -'There was a gentleman here, yesterday,' he said - 'a stout -gentleman, by the name of Topsawyer - perhaps you know him?' - -'No,' I said, 'I don't think -' - -'In breeches and gaiters, broad-brimmed hat, grey coat, speckled -choker,' said the waiter. - -'No,' I said bashfully, 'I haven't the pleasure -' - -'He came in here,' said the waiter, looking at the light through -the tumbler, 'ordered a glass of this ale - WOULD order it - I told -him not - drank it, and fell dead. It was too old for him. It -oughtn't to be drawn; that's the fact.' - -I was very much shocked to hear of this melancholy accident, and -said I thought I had better have some water. - -'Why you see,' said the waiter, still looking at the light through -the tumbler, with one of his eyes shut up, 'our people don't like -things being ordered and left. It offends 'em. But I'll drink it, -if you like. I'm used to it, and use is everything. I don't think -it'll hurt me, if I throw my head back, and take it off quick. -Shall I?' - -I replied that he would much oblige me by drinking it, if he -thought he could do it safely, but by no means otherwise. When he -did throw his head back, and take it off quick, I had a horrible -fear, I confess, of seeing him meet the fate of the lamented Mr. -Topsawyer, and fall lifeless on the carpet. But it didn't hurt -him. On the contrary, I thought he seemed the fresher for it. - -'What have we got here?' he said, putting a fork into my dish. -'Not chops?' - -'Chops,' I said. - -'Lord bless my soul!' he exclaimed, 'I didn't know they were chops. -Why, a chop's the very thing to take off the bad effects of that -beer! Ain't it lucky?' - -So he took a chop by the bone in one hand, and a potato in the -other, and ate away with a very good appetite, to my extreme -satisfaction. He afterwards took another chop, and another potato; -and after that, another chop and another potato. When we had done, -he brought me a pudding, and having set it before me, seemed to -ruminate, and to become absent in his mind for some moments. - -'How's the pie?' he said, rousing himself. - -'It's a pudding,' I made answer. - -'Pudding!' he exclaimed. 'Why, bless me, so it is! What!' looking -at it nearer. 'You don't mean to say it's a batter-pudding!' - -'Yes, it is indeed.' - -'Why, a batter-pudding,' he said, taking up a table-spoon, 'is my -favourite pudding! Ain't that lucky? Come on, little 'un, and -let's see who'll get most.' - -The waiter certainly got most. He entreated me more than once to -come in and win, but what with his table-spoon to my tea-spoon, his -dispatch to my dispatch, and his appetite to my appetite, I was -left far behind at the first mouthful, and had no chance with him. -I never saw anyone enjoy a pudding so much, I think; and he -laughed, when it was all gone, as if his enjoyment of it lasted -still. - -Finding him so very friendly and companionable, it was then that I -asked for the pen and ink and paper, to write to Peggotty. He not -only brought it immediately, but was good enough to look over me -while I wrote the letter. When I had finished it, he asked me -where I was going to school. - -I said, 'Near London,' which was all I knew. - -'Oh! my eye!' he said, looking very low-spirited, 'I am sorry for -that.' - -'Why?' I asked him. - -'Oh, Lord!' he said, shaking his head, 'that's the school where -they broke the boy's ribs - two ribs - a little boy he was. I -should say he was - let me see - how old are you, about?' - -I told him between eight and nine. - -'That's just his age,' he said. 'He was eight years and six months -old when they broke his first rib; eight years and eight months old -when they broke his second, and did for him.' - -I could not disguise from myself, or from the waiter, that this was -an uncomfortable coincidence, and inquired how it was done. His -answer was not cheering to my spirits, for it consisted of two -dismal words, 'With whopping.' - -The blowing of the coach-horn in the yard was a seasonable -diversion, which made me get up and hesitatingly inquire, in the -mingled pride and diffidence of having a purse (which I took out of -my pocket), if there were anything to pay. - -'There's a sheet of letter-paper,' he returned. 'Did you ever buy -a sheet of letter-paper?' - -I could not remember that I ever had. - -'It's dear,' he said, 'on account of the duty. Threepence. That's -the way we're taxed in this country. There's nothing else, except -the waiter. Never mind the ink. I lose by that.' - -'What should you - what should I - how much ought I to - what would -it be right to pay the waiter, if you please?' I stammered, -blushing. - -'If I hadn't a family, and that family hadn't the cowpock,' said -the waiter, 'I wouldn't take a sixpence. If I didn't support a -aged pairint, and a lovely sister,' - here the waiter was greatly -agitated - 'I wouldn't take a farthing. If I had a good place, and -was treated well here, I should beg acceptance of a trifle, instead -of taking of it. But I live on broken wittles - and I sleep on the -coals' - here the waiter burst into tears. - -I was very much concerned for his misfortunes, and felt that any -recognition short of ninepence would be mere brutality and hardness -of heart. Therefore I gave him one of my three bright shillings, -which he received with much humility and veneration, and spun up -with his thumb, directly afterwards, to try the goodness of. - -It was a little disconcerting to me, to find, when I was being -helped up behind the coach, that I was supposed to have eaten all -the dinner without any assistance. I discovered this, from -overhearing the lady in the bow-window say to the guard, 'Take care -of that child, George, or he'll burst!' and from observing that the -women-servants who were about the place came out to look and giggle -at me as a young phenomenon. My unfortunate friend the waiter, who -had quite recovered his spirits, did not appear to be disturbed by -this, but joined in the general admiration without being at all -confused. If I had any doubt of him, I suppose this half awakened -it; but I am inclined to believe that with the simple confidence of -a child, and the natural reliance of a child upon superior years -(qualities I am very sorry any children should prematurely change -for worldly wisdom), I had no serious mistrust of him on the whole, -even then. - -I felt it rather hard, I must own, to be made, without deserving -it, the subject of jokes between the coachman and guard as to the -coach drawing heavy behind, on account of my sitting there, and as -to the greater expediency of my travelling by waggon. The story of -my supposed appetite getting wind among the outside passengers, -they were merry upon it likewise; and asked me whether I was going -to be paid for, at school, as two brothers or three, and whether I -was contracted for, or went upon the regular terms; with other -pleasant questions. But the worst of it was, that I knew I should -be ashamed to eat anything, when an opportunity offered, and that, -after a rather light dinner, I should remain hungry all night - for -I had left my cakes behind, at the hotel, in my hurry. My -apprehensions were realized. When we stopped for supper I couldn't -muster courage to take any, though I should have liked it very -much, but sat by the fire and said I didn't want anything. This -did not save me from more jokes, either; for a husky-voiced -gentleman with a rough face, who had been eating out of a -sandwich-box nearly all the way, except when he had been drinking -out of a bottle, said I was like a boa-constrictor who took enough -at one meal to last him a long time; after which, he actually -brought a rash out upon himself with boiled beef. - -We had started from Yarmouth at three o'clock in the afternoon, and -we were due in London about eight next morning. It was Mid-summer -weather, and the evening was very pleasant. When we passed through -a village, I pictured to myself what the insides of the houses were -like, and what the inhabitants were about; and when boys came -running after us, and got up behind and swung there for a little -way, I wondered whether their fathers were alive, and whether they -Were happy at home. I had plenty to think of, therefore, besides -my mind running continually on the kind of place I was going to - -which was an awful speculation. Sometimes, I remember, I resigned -myself to thoughts of home and Peggotty; and to endeavouring, in a -confused blind way, to recall how I had felt, and what sort of boy -I used to be, before I bit Mr. Murdstone: which I couldn't satisfy -myself about by any means, I seemed to have bitten him in such a -remote antiquity. - -The night was not so pleasant as the evening, for it got chilly; -and being put between two gentlemen (the rough-faced one and -another) to prevent my tumbling off the coach, I was nearly -smothered by their falling asleep, and completely blocking me up. -They squeezed me so hard sometimes, that I could not help crying -out, 'Oh! If you please!' - which they didn't like at all, because -it woke them. Opposite me was an elderly lady in a great fur -cloak, who looked in the dark more like a haystack than a lady, she -was wrapped up to such a degree. This lady had a basket with her, -and she hadn't known what to do with it, for a long time, until she -found that on account of my legs being short, it could go -underneath me. It cramped and hurt me so, that it made me -perfectly miserable; but if I moved in the least, and made a glass -that was in the basket rattle against something else (as it was -sure to do), she gave me the cruellest poke with her foot, and -said, 'Come, don't YOU fidget. YOUR bones are young enough, I'm -sure!' - -At last the sun rose, and then my companions seemed to sleep -easier. The difficulties under which they had laboured all night, -and which had found utterance in the most terrific gasps and -snorts, are not to be conceived. As the sun got higher, their -sleep became lighter, and so they gradually one by one awoke. I -recollect being very much surprised by the feint everybody made, -then, of not having been to sleep at all, and by the uncommon -indignation with which everyone repelled the charge. I labour -under the same kind of astonishment to this day, having invariably -observed that of all human weaknesses, the one to which our common -nature is the least disposed to confess (I cannot imagine why) is -the weakness of having gone to sleep in a coach. - -What an amazing place London was to me when I saw it in the -distance, and how I believed all the adventures of all my favourite -heroes to be constantly enacting and re-enacting there, and how I -vaguely made it out in my own mind to be fuller of wonders and -wickedness than all the cities of the earth, I need not stop here -to relate. We approached it by degrees, and got, in due time, to -the inn in the Whitechapel district, for which we were bound. I -forget whether it was the Blue Bull, or the Blue Boar; but I know -it was the Blue Something, and that its likeness was painted up on -the back of the coach. - -The guard's eye lighted on me as he was getting down, and he said -at the booking-office door: - -'Is there anybody here for a yoongster booked in the name of -Murdstone, from Bloonderstone, Sooffolk, to be left till called -for?' - -Nobody answered. - -'Try Copperfield, if you please, sir,' said I, looking helplessly -down. - -'Is there anybody here for a yoongster, booked in the name of -Murdstone, from Bloonderstone, Sooffolk, but owning to the name of -Copperfield, to be left till called for?' said the guard. 'Come! -IS there anybody?' - -No. There was nobody. I looked anxiously around; but the inquiry -made no impression on any of the bystanders, if I except a man in -gaiters, with one eye, who suggested that they had better put a -brass collar round my neck, and tie me up in the stable. - -A ladder was brought, and I got down after the lady, who was like -a haystack: not daring to stir, until her basket was removed. The -coach was clear of passengers by that time, the luggage was very -soon cleared out, the horses had been taken out before the luggage, -and now the coach itself was wheeled and backed off by some -hostlers, out of the way. Still, nobody appeared, to claim the -dusty youngster from Blunderstone, Suffolk. - -More solitary than Robinson Crusoe, who had nobody to look at him -and see that he was solitary, I went into the booking-office, and, -by invitation of the clerk on duty, passed behind the counter, and -sat down on the scale at which they weighed the luggage. Here, as -I sat looking at the parcels, packages, and books, and inhaling the -smell of stables (ever since associated with that morning), a -procession of most tremendous considerations began to march through -my mind. Supposing nobody should ever fetch me, how long would -they consent to keep me there? Would they keep me long enough to -spend seven shillings? Should I sleep at night in one of those -wooden bins, with the other luggage, and wash myself at the pump in -the yard in the morning; or should I be turned out every night, and -expected to come again to be left till called for, when the office -opened next day? Supposing there was no mistake in the case, and -Mr. Murdstone had devised this plan to get rid of me, what should -I do? If they allowed me to remain there until my seven shillings -were spent, I couldn't hope to remain there when I began to starve. -That would obviously be inconvenient and unpleasant to the -customers, besides entailing on the Blue Whatever-it-was, the risk -of funeral expenses. If I started off at once, and tried to walk -back home, how could I ever find my way, how could I ever hope to -walk so far, how could I make sure of anyone but Peggotty, even if -I got back? If I found out the nearest proper authorities, and -offered myself to go for a soldier, or a sailor, I was such a -little fellow that it was most likely they wouldn't take me in. -These thoughts, and a hundred other such thoughts, turned me -burning hot, and made me giddy with apprehension and dismay. I was -in the height of my fever when a man entered and whispered to the -clerk, who presently slanted me off the scale, and pushed me over -to him, as if I were weighed, bought, delivered, and paid for. - -As I went out of the office, hand in hand with this new -acquaintance, I stole a look at him. He was a gaunt, sallow young -man, with hollow cheeks, and a chin almost as black as Mr. -Murdstone's; but there the likeness ended, for his whiskers were -shaved off, and his hair, instead of being glossy, was rusty and -dry. He was dressed in a suit of black clothes which were rather -rusty and dry too, and rather short in the sleeves and legs; and he -had a white neck-kerchief on, that was not over-clean. I did not, -and do not, suppose that this neck-kerchief was all the linen he -wore, but it was all he showed or gave any hint of. - -'You're the new boy?' he said. -'Yes, sir,' I said. - -I supposed I was. I didn't know. - -'I'm one of the masters at Salem House,' he said. - -I made him a bow and felt very much overawed. I was so ashamed to -allude to a commonplace thing like my box, to a scholar and a -master at Salem House, that we had gone some little distance from -the yard before I had the hardihood to mention it. We turned back, -on my humbly insinuating that it might be useful to me hereafter; -and he told the clerk that the carrier had instructions to call for -it at noon. - -'If you please, sir,' I said, when we had accomplished about the -same distance as before, 'is it far?' - -'It's down by Blackheath,' he said. - -'Is that far, sir?' I diffidently asked. - -'It's a good step,' he said. 'We shall go by the stage-coach. -It's about six miles.' - -I was so faint and tired, that the idea of holding out for six -miles more, was too much for me. I took heart to tell him that I -had had nothing all night, and that if he would allow me to buy -something to eat, I should be very much obliged to him. He -appeared surprised at this - I see him stop and look at me now - -and after considering for a few moments, said he wanted to call on -an old person who lived not far off, and that the best way would be -for me to buy some bread, or whatever I liked best that was -wholesome, and make my breakfast at her house, where we could get -some milk. - -Accordingly we looked in at a baker's window, and after I had made -a series of proposals to buy everything that was bilious in the -shop, and he had rejected them one by one, we decided in favour of -a nice little loaf of brown bread, which cost me threepence. Then, -at a grocer's shop, we bought an egg and a slice of streaky bacon; -which still left what I thought a good deal of change, out of the -second of the bright shillings, and made me consider London a very -cheap place. These provisions laid in, we went on through a great -noise and uproar that confused my weary head beyond description, -and over a bridge which, no doubt, was London Bridge (indeed I -think he told me so, but I was half asleep), until we came to the -poor person's house, which was a part of some alms-houses, as I -knew by their look, and by an inscription on a stone over the gate -which said they were established for twenty-five poor women. - -The Master at Salem House lifted the latch of one of a number of -little black doors that were all alike, and had each a little -diamond-paned window on one side, and another little diamond- paned -window above; and we went into the little house of one of these -poor old women, who was blowing a fire to make a little saucepan -boil. On seeing the master enter, the old woman stopped with the -bellows on her knee, and said something that I thought sounded like -'My Charley!' but on seeing me come in too, she got up, and rubbing -her hands made a confused sort of half curtsey. - -'Can you cook this young gentleman's breakfast for him, if you -please?' said the Master at Salem House. - -'Can I?' said the old woman. 'Yes can I, sure!' - -'How's Mrs. Fibbitson today?' said the Master, looking at another -old woman in a large chair by the fire, who was such a bundle of -clothes that I feel grateful to this hour for not having sat upon -her by mistake. - -'Ah, she's poorly,' said the first old woman. 'It's one of her bad -days. If the fire was to go out, through any accident, I verily -believe she'd go out too, and never come to life again.' - -As they looked at her, I looked at her also. Although it was a -warm day, she seemed to think of nothing but the fire. I fancied -she was jealous even of the saucepan on it; and I have reason to -know that she took its impressment into the service of boiling my -egg and broiling my bacon, in dudgeon; for I saw her, with my own -discomfited eyes, shake her fist at me once, when those culinary -operations were going on, and no one else was looking. The sun -streamed in at the little window, but she sat with her own back and -the back of the large chair towards it, screening the fire as if -she were sedulously keeping IT warm, instead of it keeping her -warm, and watching it in a most distrustful manner. The completion -of the preparations for my breakfast, by relieving the fire, gave -her such extreme joy that she laughed aloud - and a very -unmelodious laugh she had, I must say. - -I sat down to my brown loaf, my egg, and my rasher of bacon, with -a basin of milk besides, and made a most delicious meal. While I -was yet in the full enjoyment of it, the old woman of the house -said to the Master: - -'Have you got your flute with you?' - -'Yes,' he returned. - -'Have a blow at it,' said the old woman, coaxingly. 'Do!' - -The Master, upon this, put his hand underneath the skirts of his -coat, and brought out his flute in three pieces, which he screwed -together, and began immediately to play. My impression is, after -many years of consideration, that there never can have been anybody -in the world who played worse. He made the most dismal sounds I -have ever heard produced by any means, natural or artificial. I -don't know what the tunes were - if there were such things in the -performance at all, which I doubt - but the influence of the strain -upon me was, first, to make me think of all my sorrows until I -could hardly keep my tears back; then to take away my appetite; and -lastly, to make me so sleepy that I couldn't keep my eyes open. -They begin to close again, and I begin to nod, as the recollection -rises fresh upon me. Once more the little room, with its open -corner cupboard, and its square-backed chairs, and its angular -little staircase leading to the room above, and its three peacock's -feathers displayed over the mantelpiece - I remember wondering when -I first went in, what that peacock would have thought if he had -known what his finery was doomed to come to - fades from before me, -and I nod, and sleep. The flute becomes inaudible, the wheels of -the coach are heard instead, and I am on my journey. The coach -jolts, I wake with a start, and the flute has come back again, and -the Master at Salem House is sitting with his legs crossed, playing -it dolefully, while the old woman of the house looks on delighted. -She fades in her turn, and he fades, and all fades, and there is no -flute, no Master, no Salem House, no David Copperfield, no anything -but heavy sleep. - -I dreamed, I thought, that once while he was blowing into this -dismal flute, the old woman of the house, who had gone nearer and -nearer to him in her ecstatic admiration, leaned over the back of -his chair and gave him an affectionate squeeze round the neck, -which stopped his playing for a moment. I was in the middle state -between sleeping and waking, either then or immediately afterwards; -for, as he resumed - it was a real fact that he had stopped playing -- I saw and heard the same old woman ask Mrs. Fibbitson if it -wasn't delicious (meaning the flute), to which Mrs. Fibbitson -replied, 'Ay, ay! yes!' and nodded at the fire: to which, I am -persuaded, she gave the credit of the whole performance. - -When I seemed to have been dozing a long while, the Master at Salem -House unscrewed his flute into the three pieces, put them up as -before, and took me away. We found the coach very near at hand, -and got upon the roof; but I was so dead sleepy, that when we -stopped on the road to take up somebody else, they put me inside -where there were no passengers, and where I slept profoundly, until -I found the coach going at a footpace up a steep hill among green -leaves. Presently, it stopped, and had come to its destination. - -A short walk brought us - I mean the Master and me - to Salem -House, which was enclosed with a high brick wall, and looked very -dull. Over a door in this wall was a board with SALEM HousE upon -it; and through a grating in this door we were surveyed when we -rang the bell by a surly face, which I found, on the door being -opened, belonged to a stout man with a bull-neck, a wooden leg, -overhanging temples, and his hair cut close all round his head. - -'The new boy,' said the Master. - -The man with the wooden leg eyed me all over - it didn't take long, -for there was not much of me - and locked the gate behind us, and -took out the key. We were going up to the house, among some dark -heavy trees, when he called after my conductor. -'Hallo!' - -We looked back, and he was standing at the door of a little lodge, -where he lived, with a pair of boots in his hand. - -'Here! The cobbler's been,' he said, 'since you've been out, Mr. -Mell, and he says he can't mend 'em any more. He says there ain't -a bit of the original boot left, and he wonders you expect it.' - -With these words he threw the boots towards Mr. Mell, who went back -a few paces to pick them up, and looked at them (very -disconsolately, I was afraid), as we went on together. I observed -then, for the first time, that the boots he had on were a good deal -the worse for wear, and that his stocking was just breaking out in -one place, like a bud. - -Salem House was a square brick building with wings; of a bare and -unfurnished appearance. All about it was so very quiet, that I -said to Mr. Mell I supposed the boys were out; but he seemed -surprised at my not knowing that it was holiday-time. That all the -boys were at their several homes. That Mr. Creakle, the -proprietor, was down by the sea-side with Mrs. and Miss Creakle; -and that I was sent in holiday-time as a punishment for my -misdoing, all of which he explained to me as we went along. - -I gazed upon the schoolroom into which he took me, as the most -forlorn and desolate place I had ever seen. I see it now. A long -room with three long rows of desks, and six of forms, and bristling -all round with pegs for hats and slates. Scraps of old copy-books -and exercises litter the dirty floor. Some silkworms' houses, made -of the same materials, are scattered over the desks. Two miserable -little white mice, left behind by their owner, are running up and -down in a fusty castle made of pasteboard and wire, looking in all -the corners with their red eyes for anything to eat. A bird, in a -cage very little bigger than himself, makes a mournful rattle now -and then in hopping on his perch, two inches high, or dropping from -it; but neither sings nor chirps. There is a strange unwholesome -smell upon the room, like mildewed corduroys, sweet apples wanting -air, and rotten books. There could not well be more ink splashed -about it, if it had been roofless from its first construction, and -the skies had rained, snowed, hailed, and blown ink through the -varying seasons of the year. - -Mr. Mell having left me while he took his irreparable boots -upstairs, I went softly to the upper end of the room, observing all -this as I crept along. Suddenly I came upon a pasteboard placard, -beautifully written, which was lying on the desk, and bore these -words: 'TAKE CARE OF HIM. HE BITES.' - -I got upon the desk immediately, apprehensive of at least a great -dog underneath. But, though I looked all round with anxious eyes, -I could see nothing of him. I was still engaged in peering about, -when Mr. Mell came back, and asked me what I did up there? - -'I beg your pardon, sir,' says I, 'if you please, I'm looking for -the dog.' - -'Dog?' he says. 'What dog?' - -'Isn't it a dog, sir?' - -'Isn't what a dog?' - -'That's to be taken care of, sir; that bites.' - -'No, Copperfield,' says he, gravely, 'that's not a dog. That's a -boy. My instructions are, Copperfield, to put this placard on your -back. I am sorry to make such a beginning with you, but I must do -it.' With that he took me down, and tied the placard, which was -neatly constructed for the purpose, on my shoulders like a -knapsack; and wherever I went, afterwards, I had the consolation of -carrying it. - -What I suffered from that placard, nobody can imagine. Whether it -was possible for people to see me or not, I always fancied that -somebody was reading it. It was no relief to turn round and find -nobody; for wherever my back was, there I imagined somebody always -to be. That cruel man with the wooden leg aggravated my -sufferings. He was in authority; and if he ever saw me leaning -against a tree, or a wall, or the house, he roared out from his -lodge door in a stupendous voice, 'Hallo, you sir! You -Copperfield! Show that badge conspicuous, or I'll report you!' -The playground was a bare gravelled yard, open to all the back of -the house and the offices; and I knew that the servants read it, -and the butcher read it, and the baker read it; that everybody, in -a word, who came backwards and forwards to the house, of a morning -when I was ordered to walk there, read that I was to be taken care -of, for I bit, I recollect that I positively began to have a dread -of myself, as a kind of wild boy who did bite. - -There was an old door in this playground, on which the boys had a -custom of carving their names. It was completely covered with such -inscriptions. In my dread of the end of the vacation and their -coming back, I could not read a boy's name, without inquiring in -what tone and with what emphasis HE would read, 'Take care of him. -He bites.' There was one boy - a certain J. Steerforth - who cut -his name very deep and very often, who, I conceived, would read it -in a rather strong voice, and afterwards pull my hair. There was -another boy, one Tommy Traddles, who I dreaded would make game of -it, and pretend to be dreadfully frightened of me. There was a -third, George Demple, who I fancied would sing it. I have looked, -a little shrinking creature, at that door, until the owners of all -the names - there were five-and-forty of them in the school then, -Mr. Mell said - seemed to send me to Coventry by general -acclamation, and to cry out, each in his own way, 'Take care of -him. He bites!' - -It was the same with the places at the desks and forms. It was the -same with the groves of deserted bedsteads I peeped at, on my way -to, and when I was in, my own bed. I remember dreaming night after -night, of being with my mother as she used to be, or of going to a -party at Mr. Peggotty's, or of travelling outside the stage-coach, -or of dining again with my unfortunate friend the waiter, and in -all these circumstances making people scream and stare, by the -unhappy disclosure that I had nothing on but my little night-shirt, -and that placard. - -In the monotony of my life, and in my constant apprehension of the -re-opening of the school, it was such an insupportable affliction! -I had long tasks every day to do with Mr. Mell; but I did them, -there being no Mr. and Miss Murdstone here, and got through them -without disgrace. Before, and after them, I walked about - -supervised, as I have mentioned, by the man with the wooden leg. -How vividly I call to mind the damp about the house, the green -cracked flagstones in the court, an old leaky water-butt, and the -discoloured trunks of some of the grim trees, which seemed to have -dripped more in the rain than other trees, and to have blown less -in the sun! At one we dined, Mr. Mell and I, at the upper end of -a long bare dining-room, full of deal tables, and smelling of fat. -Then, we had more tasks until tea, which Mr. Mell drank out of a -blue teacup, and I out of a tin pot. All day long, and until seven -or eight in the evening, Mr. Mell, at his own detached desk in the -schoolroom, worked hard with pen, ink, ruler, books, and writing- -paper, making out the bills (as I found) for last half-year. When -he had put up his things for the night he took out his flute, and -blew at it, until I almost thought he would gradually blow his -whole being into the large hole at the top, and ooze away at the -keys. - -I picture my small self in the dimly-lighted rooms, sitting with my -head upon my hand, listening to the doleful performance of Mr. -Mell, and conning tomorrow's lessons. I picture myself with my -books shut up, still listening to the doleful performance of Mr. -Mell, and listening through it to what used to be at home, and to -the blowing of the wind on Yarmouth flats, and feeling very sad and -solitary. I picture myself going up to bed, among the unused -rooms, and sitting on my bed-side crying for a comfortable word -from Peggotty. I picture myself coming downstairs in the morning, -and looking through a long ghastly gash of a staircase window at -the school-bell hanging on the top of an out-house with a -weathercock above it; and dreading the time when it shall ring J. -Steerforth and the rest to work: which is only second, in my -foreboding apprehensions, to the time when the man with the wooden -leg shall unlock the rusty gate to give admission to the awful Mr. -Creakle. I cannot think I was a very dangerous character in any of -these aspects, but in all of them I carried the same warning on my -back. - -Mr. Mell never said much to me, but he was never harsh to me. I -suppose we were company to each other, without talking. I forgot -to mention that he would talk to himself sometimes, and grin, and -clench his fist, and grind his teeth, and pull his hair in an -unaccountable manner. But he had these peculiarities: and at first -they frightened me, though I soon got used to them. - - - -CHAPTER 6 -I ENLARGE MY CIRCLE OF ACQUAINTANCE - - -I HAD led this life about a month, when the man with the wooden leg -began to stump about with a mop and a bucket of water, from which -I inferred that preparations were making to receive Mr. Creakle and -the boys. I was not mistaken; for the mop came into the schoolroom -before long, and turned out Mr. Mell and me, who lived where we -could, and got on how we could, for some days, during which we were -always in the way of two or three young women, who had rarely shown -themselves before, and were so continually in the midst of dust -that I sneezed almost as much as if Salem House had been a great -snuff-box. - -One day I was informed by Mr. Mell that Mr. Creakle would be home -that evening. In the evening, after tea, I heard that he was come. -Before bedtime, I was fetched by the man with the wooden leg to -appear before him. - -Mr. Creakle's part of the house was a good deal more comfortable -than ours, and he had a snug bit of garden that looked pleasant -after the dusty playground, which was such a desert in miniature, -that I thought no one but a camel, or a dromedary, could have felt -at home in it. It seemed to me a bold thing even to take notice -that the passage looked comfortable, as I went on my way, -trembling, to Mr. Creakle's presence: which so abashed me, when I -was ushered into it, that I hardly saw Mrs. Creakle or Miss Creakle -(who were both there, in the parlour), or anything but Mr. Creakle, -a stout gentleman with a bunch of watch-chain and seals, in an -arm-chair, with a tumbler and bottle beside him. - -'So!' said Mr. Creakle. 'This is the young gentleman whose teeth -are to be filed! Turn him round.' - -The wooden-legged man turned me about so as to exhibit the placard; -and having afforded time for a full survey of it, turned me about -again, with my face to Mr. Creakle, and posted himself at Mr. -Creakle's side. Mr. Creakle's face was fiery, and his eyes were -small, and deep in his head; he had thick veins in his forehead, a -little nose, and a large chin. He was bald on the top of his head; -and had some thin wet-looking hair that was just turning grey, -brushed across each temple, so that the two sides interlaced on his -forehead. But the circumstance about him which impressed me most, -was, that he had no voice, but spoke in a whisper. The exertion -this cost him, or the consciousness of talking in that feeble way, -made his angry face so much more angry, and his thick veins so much -thicker, when he spoke, that I am not surprised, on looking back, -at this peculiarity striking me as his chief one. -'Now,' said Mr. Creakle. 'What's the report of this boy?' - -'There's nothing against him yet,' returned the man with the wooden -leg. 'There has been no opportunity.' - -I thought Mr. Creakle was disappointed. I thought Mrs. and Miss -Creakle (at whom I now glanced for the first time, and who were, -both, thin and quiet) were not disappointed. - -'Come here, sir!' said Mr. Creakle, beckoning to me. - -'Come here!' said the man with the wooden leg, repeating the -gesture. - -'I have the happiness of knowing your father-in-law,' whispered Mr. -Creakle, taking me by the ear; 'and a worthy man he is, and a man -of a strong character. He knows me, and I know him. Do YOU know -me? Hey?' said Mr. Creakle, pinching my ear with ferocious -playfulness. - -'Not yet, sir,' I said, flinching with the pain. - -'Not yet? Hey?' repeated Mr. Creakle. 'But you will soon. Hey?' - -'You will soon. Hey?' repeated the man with the wooden leg. I -afterwards found that he generally acted, with his strong voice, as -Mr. Creakle's interpreter to the boys. - -I was very much frightened, and said, I hoped so, if he pleased. -I felt, all this while, as if my ear were blazing; he pinched it so -hard. - -'I'll tell you what I am,' whispered Mr. Creakle, letting it go at -last, with a screw at parting that brought the water into my eyes. -'I'm a Tartar.' - -'A Tartar,' said the man with the wooden leg. - -'When I say I'll do a thing, I do it,' said Mr. Creakle; 'and when -I say I will have a thing done, I will have it done.' - -'- Will have a thing done, I will have it done,' repeated the man -with the wooden leg. - -'I am a determined character,' said Mr. Creakle. 'That's what I -am. I do my duty. That's what I do. My flesh and blood' - he -looked at Mrs. Creakle as he said this - 'when it rises against me, -is not my flesh and blood. I discard it. Has that fellow' - to -the man with the wooden leg -'been here again?' - -'No,' was the answer. - -'No,' said Mr. Creakle. 'He knows better. He knows me. Let him -keep away. I say let him keep away,' said Mr. Creakle, striking -his hand upon the table, and looking at Mrs. Creakle, 'for he knows -me. Now you have begun to know me too, my young friend, and you -may go. Take him away.' - -I was very glad to be ordered away, for Mrs. and Miss Creakle were -both wiping their eyes, and I felt as uncomfortable for them as I -did for myself. But I had a petition on my mind which concerned me -so nearly, that I couldn't help saying, though I wondered at my own -courage: - -'If you please, sir -' - -Mr. Creakle whispered, 'Hah! What's this?' and bent his eyes upon -me, as if he would have burnt me up with them. - -'If you please, sir,' I faltered, 'if I might be allowed (I am very -sorry indeed, sir, for what I did) to take this writing off, before -the boys come back -' - -Whether Mr. Creakle was in earnest, or whether he only did it to -frighten me, I don't know, but he made a burst out of his chair, -before which I precipitately retreated, without waiting for the -escort Of the man with the wooden leg, and never once stopped until -I reached my own bedroom, where, finding I was not pursued, I went -to bed, as it was time, and lay quaking, for a couple of hours. - -Next morning Mr. Sharp came back. Mr. Sharp was the first master, -and superior to Mr. Mell. Mr. Mell took his meals with the boys, -but Mr. Sharp dined and supped at Mr. Creakle's table. He was a -limp, delicate-looking gentleman, I thought, with a good deal of -nose, and a way of carrying his head on one side, as if it were a -little too heavy for him. His hair was very smooth and wavy; but -I was informed by the very first boy who came back that it was a -wig (a second-hand one HE said), and that Mr. Sharp went out every -Saturday afternoon to get it curled. - -It was no other than Tommy Traddles who gave me this piece of -intelligence. He was the first boy who returned. He introduced -himself by informing me that I should find his name on the right- -hand corner of the gate, over the top-bolt; upon that I said, -'Traddles?' to which he replied, 'The same,' and then he asked me -for a full account of myself and family. - -It was a happy circumstance for me that Traddles came back first. -He enjoyed my placard so much, that he saved me from the -embarrassment of either disclosure or concealment, by presenting me -to every other boy who came back, great or small, immediately on -his arrival, in this form of introduction, 'Look here! Here's a -game!' Happily, too, the greater part of the boys came back -low-spirited, and were not so boisterous at my expense as I had -expected. Some of them certainly did dance about me like wild -Indians, and the greater part could not resist the temptation of -pretending that I was a dog, and patting and soothing me, lest I -should bite, and saying, 'Lie down, sir!' and calling me Towzer. -This was naturally confusing, among so many strangers, and cost me -some tears, but on the whole it was much better than I had -anticipated. - -I was not considered as being formally received into the school, -however, until J. Steerforth arrived. Before this boy, who was -reputed to be a great scholar, and was very good-looking, and at -least half-a-dozen years my senior, I was carried as before a -magistrate. He inquired, under a shed in the playground, into the -particulars of my punishment, and was pleased to express his -opinion that it was 'a jolly shame'; for which I became bound to -him ever afterwards. - -'What money have you got, Copperfield?' he said, walking aside with -me when he had disposed of my affair in these terms. I told him -seven shillings. - -'You had better give it to me to take care of,' he said. 'At -least, you can if you like. You needn't if you don't like.' - -I hastened to comply with his friendly suggestion, and opening -Peggotty's purse, turned it upside down into his hand. - -'Do you want to spend anything now?' he asked me. - -'No thank you,' I replied. - -'You can, if you like, you know,' said Steerforth. 'Say the word.' - -'No, thank you, sir,' I repeated. - -'Perhaps you'd like to spend a couple of shillings or so, in a -bottle of currant wine by and by, up in the bedroom?' said -Steerforth. 'You belong to my bedroom, I find.' - -It certainly had not occurred to me before, but I said, Yes, I -should like that. - -'Very good,' said Steerforth. 'You'll be glad to spend another -shilling or so, in almond cakes, I dare say?' - -I said, Yes, I should like that, too. - -'And another shilling or so in biscuits, and another in fruit, eh?' -said Steerforth. 'I say, young Copperfield, you're going it!' - -I smiled because he smiled, but I was a little troubled in my mind, -too. - -'Well!' said Steerforth. 'We must make it stretch as far as we -can; that's all. I'll do the best in my power for you. I can go -out when I like, and I'll smuggle the prog in.' With these words -he put the money in his pocket, and kindly told me not to make -myself uneasy; he would take care it should be all right. -He was as good as his word, if that were all right which I had a -secret misgiving was nearly all wrong - for I feared it was a waste -of my mother's two half-crowns - though I had preserved the piece -of paper they were wrapped in: which was a precious saving. When -we went upstairs to bed, he produced the whole seven shillings' -worth, and laid it out on my bed in the moonlight, saying: - -'There you are, young Copperfield, and a royal spread you've got.' - -I couldn't think of doing the honours of the feast, at my time of -life, while he was by; my hand shook at the very thought of it. I -begged him to do me the favour of presiding; and my request being -seconded by the other boys who were in that room, he acceded to it, -and sat upon my pillow, handing round the viands - with perfect -fairness, I must say - and dispensing the currant wine in a little -glass without a foot, which was his own property. As to me, I sat -on his left hand, and the rest were grouped about us, on the -nearest beds and on the floor. - -How well I recollect our sitting there, talking in whispers; or -their talking, and my respectfully listening, I ought rather to -say; the moonlight falling a little way into the room, through the -window, painting a pale window on the floor, and the greater part -of us in shadow, except when Steerforth dipped a match into a -phosphorus-box, when he wanted to look for anything on the board, -and shed a blue glare over us that was gone directly! A certain -mysterious feeling, consequent on the darkness, the secrecy of the -revel, and the whisper in which everything was said, steals over me -again, and I listen to all they tell me with a vague feeling of -solemnity and awe, which makes me glad that they are all so near, -and frightens me (though I feign to laugh) when Traddles pretends -to see a ghost in the corner. - -I heard all kinds of things about the school and all belonging to -it. I heard that Mr. Creakle had not preferred his claim to being -a Tartar without reason; that he was the sternest and most severe -of masters; that he laid about him, right and left, every day of -his life, charging in among the boys like a trooper, and slashing -away, unmercifully. That he knew nothing himself, but the art of -slashing, being more ignorant (J. Steerforth said) than the lowest -boy in the school; that he had been, a good many years ago, a small -hop-dealer in the Borough, and had taken to the schooling business -after being bankrupt in hops, and making away with Mrs. Creakle's -money. With a good deal more of that sort, which I wondered how -they knew. - -I heard that the man with the wooden leg, whose name was Tungay, -was an obstinate barbarian who had formerly assisted in the hop -business, but had come into the scholastic line with Mr. Creakle, -in consequence, as was supposed among the boys, of his having -broken his leg in Mr. Creakle's service, and having done a deal of -dishonest work for him, and knowing his secrets. I heard that with -the single exception of Mr. Creakle, Tungay considered the whole -establishment, masters and boys, as his natural enemies, and that -the only delight of his life was to be sour and malicious. I heard -that Mr. Creakle had a son, who had not been Tungay's friend, and -who, assisting in the school, had once held some remonstrance with -his father on an occasion when its discipline was very cruelly -exercised, and was supposed, besides, to have protested against his -father's usage of his mother. I heard that Mr. Creakle had turned -him out of doors, in consequence; and that Mrs. and Miss Creakle -had been in a sad way, ever since. - -But the greatest wonder that I heard of Mr. Creakle was, there -being one boy in the school on whom he never ventured to lay a -hand, and that boy being J. Steerforth. Steerforth himself -confirmed this when it was stated, and said that he should like to -begin to see him do it. On being asked by a mild boy (not me) how -he would proceed if he did begin to see him do it, he dipped a -match into his phosphorus-box on purpose to shed a glare over his -reply, and said he would commence by knocking him down with a blow -on the forehead from the seven-and-sixpenny ink-bottle that was -always on the mantelpiece. We sat in the dark for some time, -breathless. - -I heard that Mr. Sharp and Mr. Mell were both supposed to be -wretchedly paid; and that when there was hot and cold meat for -dinner at Mr. Creakle's table, Mr. Sharp was always expected to say -he preferred cold; which was again corroborated by J. Steerforth, -the only parlour-boarder. I heard that Mr. Sharp's wig didn't fit -him; and that he needn't be so 'bounceable' - somebody else said -'bumptious' - about it, because his own red hair was very plainly -to be seen behind. - -I heard that one boy, who was a coal-merchant's son, came as a -set-off against the coal-bill, and was called, on that account, -'Exchange or Barter' - a name selected from the arithmetic book as -expressing this arrangement. I heard that the table beer was a -robbery of parents, and the pudding an imposition. I heard that -Miss Creakle was regarded by the school in general as being in love -with Steerforth; and I am sure, as I sat in the dark, thinking of -his nice voice, and his fine face, and his easy manner, and his -curling hair, I thought it very likely. I heard that Mr. Mell was -not a bad sort of fellow, but hadn't a sixpence to bless himself -with; and that there was no doubt that old Mrs. Mell, his mother, -was as poor as job. I thought of my breakfast then, and what had -sounded like 'My Charley!' but I was, I am glad to remember, as -mute as a mouse about it. - -The hearing of all this, and a good deal more, outlasted the -banquet some time. The greater part of the guests had gone to bed -as soon as the eating and drinking were over; and we, who had -remained whispering and listening half-undressed, at last betook -ourselves to bed, too. - -'Good night, young Copperfield,' said Steerforth. 'I'll take care -of you.' -'You're very kind,' I gratefully returned. 'I am very much obliged -to you.' - -'You haven't got a sister, have you?' said Steerforth, yawning. - -'No,' I answered. - -'That's a pity,' said Steerforth. 'If you had had one, I should -think she would have been a pretty, timid, little, bright-eyed sort -of girl. I should have liked to know her. Good night, young -Copperfield.' - -'Good night, sir,' I replied. - -I thought of him very much after I went to bed, and raised myself, -I recollect, to look at him where he lay in the moonlight, with his -handsome face turned up, and his head reclining easily on his arm. -He was a person of great power in my eyes; that was, of course, the -reason of my mind running on him. No veiled future dimly glanced -upon him in the moonbeams. There was no shadowy picture of his -footsteps, in the garden that I dreamed of walking in all night. - - - -CHAPTER 7 -MY 'FIRST HALF' AT SALEM HOUSE - - -School began in earnest next day. A profound impression was made -upon me, I remember, by the roar of voices in the schoolroom -suddenly becoming hushed as death when Mr. Creakle entered after -breakfast, and stood in the doorway looking round upon us like a -giant in a story-book surveying his captives. - -Tungay stood at Mr. Creakle's elbow. He had no occasion, I -thought, to cry out 'Silence!' so ferociously, for the boys were -all struck speechless and motionless. - -Mr. Creakle was seen to speak, and Tungay was heard, to this -effect. - -'Now, boys, this is a new half. Take care what you're about, in -this new half. Come fresh up to the lessons, I advise you, for I -come fresh up to the punishment. I won't flinch. It will be of no -use your rubbing yourselves; you won't rub the marks out that I -shall give you. Now get to work, every boy!' - -When this dreadful exordium was over, and Tungay had stumped out -again, Mr. Creakle came to where I sat, and told me that if I were -famous for biting, he was famous for biting, too. He then showed -me the cane, and asked me what I thought of THAT, for a tooth? Was -it a sharp tooth, hey? Was it a double tooth, hey? Had it a deep -prong, hey? Did it bite, hey? Did it bite? At every question he -gave me a fleshy cut with it that made me writhe; so I was very -soon made free of Salem House (as Steerforth said), and was very -soon in tears also. - -Not that I mean to say these were special marks of distinction, -which only I received. On the contrary, a large majority of the -boys (especially the smaller ones) were visited with similar -instances of notice, as Mr. Creakle made the round of the -schoolroom. Half the establishment was writhing and crying, before -the day's work began; and how much of it had writhed and cried -before the day's work was over, I am really afraid to recollect, -lest I should seem to exaggerate. - -I should think there never can have been a man who enjoyed his -profession more than Mr. Creakle did. He had a delight in cutting -at the boys, which was like the satisfaction of a craving appetite. -I am confident that he couldn't resist a chubby boy, especially; -that there was a fascination in such a subject, which made him -restless in his mind, until he had scored and marked him for the -day. I was chubby myself, and ought to know. I am sure when I -think of the fellow now, my blood rises against him with the -disinterested indignation I should feel if I could have known all -about him without having ever been in his power; but it rises -hotly, because I know him to have been an incapable brute, who had -no more right to be possessed of the great trust he held, than to -be Lord High Admiral, or Commander-in-Chief - in either of which -capacities it is probable that he would have done infinitely less -mischief. - -Miserable little propitiators of a remorseless Idol, how abject we -were to him! What a launch in life I think it now, on looking -back, to be so mean and servile to a man of such parts and -pretensions! - -Here I sit at the desk again, watching his eye - humbly watching -his eye, as he rules a ciphering-book for another victim whose -hands have just been flattened by that identical ruler, and who is -trying to wipe the sting out with a pocket-handkerchief. I have -plenty to do. I don't watch his eye in idleness, but because I am -morbidly attracted to it, in a dread desire to know what he will do -next, and whether it will be my turn to suffer, or somebody else's. -A lane of small boys beyond me, with the same interest in his eye, -watch it too. I think he knows it, though he pretends he don't. -He makes dreadful mouths as he rules the ciphering-book; and now he -throws his eye sideways down our lane, and we all droop over our -books and tremble. A moment afterwards we are again eyeing him. -An unhappy culprit, found guilty of imperfect exercise, approaches -at his command. The culprit falters excuses, and professes a -determination to do better tomorrow. Mr. Creakle cuts a joke -before he beats him, and we laugh at it, - miserable little dogs, -we laugh, with our visages as white as ashes, and our hearts -sinking into our boots. - -Here I sit at the desk again, on a drowsy summer afternoon. A buzz -and hum go up around me, as if the boys were so many bluebottles. -A cloggy sensation of the lukewarm fat of meat is upon me (we dined -an hour or two ago), and my head is as heavy as so much lead. I -would give the world to go to sleep. I sit with my eye on Mr. -Creakle, blinking at him like a young owl; when sleep overpowers me -for a minute, he still looms through my slumber, ruling those -ciphering-books, until he softly comes behind me and wakes me to -plainer perception of him, with a red ridge across my back. - -Here I am in the playground, with my eye still fascinated by him, -though I can't see him. The window at a little distance from which -I know he is having his dinner, stands for him, and I eye that -instead. If he shows his face near it, mine assumes an imploring -and submissive expression. If he looks out through the glass, the -boldest boy (Steerforth excepted) stops in the middle of a shout or -yell, and becomes contemplative. One day, Traddles (the most -unfortunate boy in the world) breaks that window accidentally, with -a ball. I shudder at this moment with the tremendous sensation of -seeing it done, and feeling that the ball has bounded on to Mr. -Creakle's sacred head. - -Poor Traddles! In a tight sky-blue suit that made his arms and -legs like German sausages, or roly-poly puddings, he was the -merriest and most miserable of all the boys. He was always being -caned - I think he was caned every day that half-year, except one -holiday Monday when he was only ruler'd on both hands - and was -always going to write to his uncle about it, and never did. After -laying his head on the desk for a little while, he would cheer up, -somehow, begin to laugh again, and draw skeletons all over his -slate, before his eyes were dry. I used at first to wonder what -comfort Traddles found in drawing skeletons; and for some time -looked upon him as a sort of hermit, who reminded himself by those -symbols of mortality that caning couldn't last for ever. But I -believe he only did it because they were easy, and didn't want any -features. - -He was very honourable, Traddles was, and held it as a solemn duty -in the boys to stand by one another. He suffered for this on -several occasions; and particularly once, when Steerforth laughed -in church, and the Beadle thought it was Traddles, and took him -out. I see him now, going away in custody, despised by the -congregation. He never said who was the real offender, though he -smarted for it next day, and was imprisoned so many hours that he -came forth with a whole churchyard-full of skeletons swarming all -over his Latin Dictionary. But he had his reward. Steerforth said -there was nothing of the sneak in Traddles, and we all felt that to -be the highest praise. For my part, I could have gone through a -good deal (though I was much less brave than Traddles, and nothing -like so old) to have won such a recompense. - -To see Steerforth walk to church before us, arm-in-arm with Miss -Creakle, was one of the great sights of my life. I didn't think -Miss Creakle equal to little Em'ly in point of beauty, and I didn't -love her (I didn't dare); but I thought her a young lady of -extraordinary attractions, and in point of gentility not to be -surpassed. When Steerforth, in white trousers, carried her parasol -for her, I felt proud to know him; and believed that she could not -choose but adore him with all her heart. Mr. Sharp and Mr. Mell -were both notable personages in my eyes; but Steerforth was to them -what the sun was to two stars. - -Steerforth continued his protection of me, and proved a very useful -friend; since nobody dared to annoy one whom he honoured with his -countenance. He couldn't - or at all events he didn't - defend me -from Mr. Creakle, who was very severe with me; but whenever I had -been treated worse than usual, he always told me that I wanted a -little of his pluck, and that he wouldn't have stood it himself; -which I felt he intended for encouragement, and considered to be -very kind of him. There was one advantage, and only one that I -know of, in Mr. Creakle's severity. He found my placard in his way -when he came up or down behind the form on which I sat, and wanted -to make a cut at me in passing; for this reason it was soon taken -off, and I saw it no more. - -An accidental circumstance cemented the intimacy between Steerforth -and me, in a manner that inspired me with great pride and -satisfaction, though it sometimes led to inconvenience. It -happened on one occasion, when he was doing me the honour of -talking to me in the playground, that I hazarded the observation -that something or somebody - I forget what now - was like something -or somebody in Peregrine Pickle. He said nothing at the time; but -when I was going to bed at night, asked me if I had got that book? - -I told him no, and explained how it was that I had read it, and all -those other books of which I have made mention. - -'And do you recollect them?' Steerforth said. - -'Oh yes,' I replied; I had a good memory, and I believed I -recollected them very well. - -'Then I tell you what, young Copperfield,' said Steerforth, 'you -shall tell 'em to me. I can't get to sleep very early at night, -and I generally wake rather early in the morning. We'll go over -'em one after another. We'll make some regular Arabian Nights of -it.' - -I felt extremely flattered by this arrangement, and we commenced -carrying it into execution that very evening. What ravages I -committed on my favourite authors in the course of my -interpretation of them, I am not in a condition to say, and should -be very unwilling to know; but I had a profound faith in them, and -I had, to the best of my belief, a simple, earnest manner of -narrating what I did narrate; and these qualities went a long way. - -The drawback was, that I was often sleepy at night, or out of -spirits and indisposed to resume the story; and then it was rather -hard work, and it must be done; for to disappoint or to displease -Steerforth was of course out of the question. In the morning, too, -when I felt weary, and should have enjoyed another hour's repose -very much, it was a tiresome thing to be roused, like the Sultana -Scheherazade, and forced into a long story before the getting-up -bell rang; but Steerforth was resolute; and as he explained to me, -in return, my sums and exercises, and anything in my tasks that was -too hard for me, I was no loser by the transaction. Let me do -myself justice, however. I was moved by no interested or selfish -motive, nor was I moved by fear of him. I admired and loved him, -and his approval was return enough. It was so precious to me that -I look back on these trifles, now, with an aching heart. - -Steerforth was considerate, too; and showed his consideration, in -one particular instance, in an unflinching manner that was a little -tantalizing, I suspect, to poor Traddles and the rest. Peggotty's -promised letter - what a comfortable letter it was! - arrived -before 'the half' was many weeks old; and with it a cake in a -perfect nest of oranges, and two bottles of cowslip wine. This -treasure, as in duty bound, I laid at the feet of Steerforth, and -begged him to dispense. - -'Now, I'll tell you what, young Copperfield,' said he: 'the wine -shall be kept to wet your whistle when you are story-telling.' - -I blushed at the idea, and begged him, in my modesty, not to think -of it. But he said he had observed I was sometimes hoarse - a -little roopy was his exact expression - and it should be, every -drop, devoted to the purpose he had mentioned. Accordingly, it was -locked up in his box, and drawn off by himself in a phial, and -administered to me through a piece of quill in the cork, when I was -supposed to be in want of a restorative. Sometimes, to make it a -more sovereign specific, he was so kind as to squeeze orange juice -into it, or to stir it up with ginger, or dissolve a peppermint -drop in it; and although I cannot assert that the flavour was -improved by these experiments, or that it was exactly the compound -one would have chosen for a stomachic, the last thing at night and -the first thing in the morning, I drank it gratefully and was very -sensible of his attention. - -We seem, to me, to have been months over Peregrine, and months more -over the other stories. The institution never flagged for want of -a story, I am certain; and the wine lasted out almost as well as -the matter. Poor Traddles - I never think of that boy but with a -strange disposition to laugh, and with tears in my eyes - was a -sort of chorus, in general; and affected to be convulsed with mirth -at the comic parts, and to be overcome with fear when there was any -passage of an alarming character in the narrative. This rather put -me out, very often. It was a great jest of his, I recollect, to -pretend that he couldn't keep his teeth from chattering, whenever -mention was made of an Alguazill in connexion with the adventures -of Gil Blas; and I remember that when Gil Blas met the captain of -the robbers in Madrid, this unlucky joker counterfeited such an -ague of terror, that he was overheard by Mr. Creakle, who was -prowling about the passage, and handsomely flogged for disorderly -conduct in the bedroom. -Whatever I had within me that was romantic and dreamy, was -encouraged by so much story-telling in the dark; and in that -respect the pursuit may not have been very profitable to me. But -the being cherished as a kind of plaything in my room, and the -consciousness that this accomplishment of mine was bruited about -among the boys, and attracted a good deal of notice to me though I -was the youngest there, stimulated me to exertion. In a school -carried on by sheer cruelty, whether it is presided over by a dunce -or not, there is not likely to be much learnt. I believe our boys -were, generally, as ignorant a set as any schoolboys in existence; -they were too much troubled and knocked about to learn; they could -no more do that to advantage, than any one can do anything to -advantage in a life of constant misfortune, torment, and worry. -But my little vanity, and Steerforth's help, urged me on somehow; -and without saving me from much, if anything, in the way of -punishment, made me, for the time I was there, an exception to the -general body, insomuch that I did steadily pick up some crumbs of -knowledge. - -In this I was much assisted by Mr. Mell, who had a liking for me -that I am grateful to remember. It always gave me pain to observe -that Steerforth treated him with systematic disparagement, and -seldom lost an occasion of wounding his feelings, or inducing -others to do so. This troubled me the more for a long time, -because I had soon told Steerforth, from whom I could no more keep -such a secret, than I could keep a cake or any other tangible -possession, about the two old women Mr. Mell had taken me to see; -and I was always afraid that Steerforth would let it out, and twit -him with it. - -We little thought, any one of us, I dare say, when I ate my -breakfast that first morning, and went to sleep under the shadow of -the peacock's feathers to the sound of the flute, what consequences -would come of the introduction into those alms-houses of my -insignificant person. But the visit had its unforeseen -consequences; and of a serious sort, too, in their way. - -One day when Mr. Creakle kept the house from indisposition, which -naturally diffused a lively joy through the school, there was a -good deal of noise in the course of the morning's work. The great -relief and satisfaction experienced by the boys made them difficult -to manage; and though the dreaded Tungay brought his wooden leg in -twice or thrice, and took notes of the principal offenders' names, -no great impression was made by it, as they were pretty sure of -getting into trouble tomorrow, do what they would, and thought it -wise, no doubt, to enjoy themselves today. - -It was, properly, a half-holiday; being Saturday. But as the noise -in the playground would have disturbed Mr. Creakle, and the weather -was not favourable for going out walking, we were ordered into -school in the afternoon, and set some lighter tasks than usual, -which were made for the occasion. It was the day of the week on -which Mr. Sharp went out to get his wig curled; so Mr. Mell, who -always did the drudgery, whatever it was, kept school by himself. -If I could associate the idea of a bull or a bear with anyone so -mild as Mr. Mell, I should think of him, in connexion with that -afternoon when the uproar was at its height, as of one of those -animals, baited by a thousand dogs. I recall him bending his -aching head, supported on his bony hand, over the book on his desk, -and wretchedly endeavouring to get on with his tiresome work, -amidst an uproar that might have made the Speaker of the House of -Commons giddy. Boys started in and out of their places, playing at -puss in the corner with other boys; there were laughing boys, -singing boys, talking boys, dancing boys, howling boys; boys -shuffled with their feet, boys whirled about him, grinning, making -faces, mimicking him behind his back and before his eyes; mimicking -his poverty, his boots, his coat, his mother, everything belonging -to him that they should have had consideration for. - -'Silence!' cried Mr. Mell, suddenly rising up, and striking his -desk with the book. 'What does this mean! It's impossible to bear -it. It's maddening. How can you do it to me, boys?' - -It was my book that he struck his desk with; and as I stood beside -him, following his eye as it glanced round the room, I saw the boys -all stop, some suddenly surprised, some half afraid, and some sorry -perhaps. - -Steerforth's place was at the bottom of the school, at the opposite -end of the long room. He was lounging with his back against the -wall, and his hands in his pockets, and looked at Mr. Mell with his -mouth shut up as if he were whistling, when Mr. Mell looked at him. - -'Silence, Mr. Steerforth!' said Mr. Mell. - -'Silence yourself,' said Steerforth, turning red. 'Whom are you -talking to?' - -'Sit down,' said Mr. Mell. - -'Sit down yourself,' said Steerforth, 'and mind your business.' - -There was a titter, and some applause; but Mr. Mell was so white, -that silence immediately succeeded; and one boy, who had darted out -behind him to imitate his mother again, changed his mind, and -pretended to want a pen mended. - -'If you think, Steerforth,' said Mr. Mell, 'that I am not -acquainted with the power you can establish over any mind here' - -he laid his hand, without considering what he did (as I supposed), -upon my head - 'or that I have not observed you, within a few -minutes, urging your juniors on to every sort of outrage against -me, you are mistaken.' - -'I don't give myself the trouble of thinking at all about you,' -said Steerforth, coolly; 'so I'm not mistaken, as it happens.' - -'And when you make use of your position of favouritism here, sir,' -pursued Mr. Mell, with his lip trembling very much, 'to insult a -gentleman -' - -'A what? - where is he?' said Steerforth. - -Here somebody cried out, 'Shame, J. Steerforth! Too bad!' It was -Traddles; whom Mr. Mell instantly discomfited by bidding him hold -his tongue. - -- 'To insult one who is not fortunate in life, sir, and who never -gave you the least offence, and the many reasons for not insulting -whom you are old enough and wise enough to understand,' said Mr. -Mell, with his lips trembling more and more, 'you commit a mean and -base action. You can sit down or stand up as you please, sir. -Copperfield, go on.' - -'Young Copperfield,' said Steerforth, coming forward up the room, -'stop a bit. I tell you what, Mr. Mell, once for all. When you -take the liberty of calling me mean or base, or anything of that -sort, you are an impudent beggar. You are always a beggar, you -know; but when you do that, you are an impudent beggar.' - -I am not clear whether he was going to strike Mr. Mell, or Mr. Mell -was going to strike him, or there was any such intention on either -side. I saw a rigidity come upon the whole school as if they had -been turned into stone, and found Mr. Creakle in the midst of us, -with Tungay at his side, and Mrs. and Miss Creakle looking in at -the door as if they were frightened. Mr. Mell, with his elbows on -his desk and his face in his hands, sat, for some moments, quite -still. - -'Mr. Mell,' said Mr. Creakle, shaking him by the arm; and his -whisper was so audible now, that Tungay felt it unnecessary to -repeat his words; 'you have not forgotten yourself, I hope?' - -'No, sir, no,' returned the Master, showing his face, and shaking -his head, and rubbing his hands in great agitation. 'No, sir. No. -I have remembered myself, I - no, Mr. Creakle, I have not forgotten -myself, I - I have remembered myself, sir. I - I - could wish you -had remembered me a little sooner, Mr. Creakle. It - it - would -have been more kind, sir, more just, sir. It would have saved me -something, sir.' - -Mr. Creakle, looking hard at Mr. Mell, put his hand on Tungay's -shoulder, and got his feet upon the form close by, and sat upon the -desk. After still looking hard at Mr. Mell from his throne, as he -shook his head, and rubbed his hands, and remained in the same -state of agitation, Mr. Creakle turned to Steerforth, and said: - -'Now, sir, as he don't condescend to tell me, what is this?' - -Steerforth evaded the question for a little while; looking in scorn -and anger on his opponent, and remaining silent. I could not help -thinking even in that interval, I remember, what a noble fellow he -was in appearance, and how homely and plain Mr. Mell looked opposed -to him. - -'What did he mean by talking about favourites, then?' said -Steerforth at length. - -'Favourites?' repeated Mr. Creakle, with the veins in his forehead -swelling quickly. 'Who talked about favourites?' - -'He did,' said Steerforth. - -'And pray, what did you mean by that, sir?' demanded Mr. Creakle, -turning angrily on his assistant. - -'I meant, Mr. Creakle,' he returned in a low voice, 'as I said; -that no pupil had a right to avail himself of his position of -favouritism to degrade me.' - -'To degrade YOU?' said Mr. Creakle. 'My stars! But give me leave -to ask you, Mr. What's-your-name'; and here Mr. Creakle folded his -arms, cane and all, upon his chest, and made such a knot of his -brows that his little eyes were hardly visible below them; -'whether, when you talk about favourites, you showed proper respect -to me? To me, sir,' said Mr. Creakle, darting his head at him -suddenly, and drawing it back again, 'the principal of this -establishment, and your employer.' - -'It was not judicious, sir, I am willing to admit,' said Mr. Mell. -'I should not have done so, if I had been cool.' - -Here Steerforth struck in. - -'Then he said I was mean, and then he said I was base, and then I -called him a beggar. If I had been cool, perhaps I shouldn't have -called him a beggar. But I did, and I am ready to take the -consequences of it.' - -Without considering, perhaps, whether there were any consequences -to be taken, I felt quite in a glow at this gallant speech. It -made an impression on the boys too, for there was a low stir among -them, though no one spoke a word. - -'I am surprised, Steerforth - although your candour does you -honour,' said Mr. Creakle, 'does you honour, certainly - I am -surprised, Steerforth, I must say, that you should attach such an -epithet to any person employed and paid in Salem House, sir.' - -Steerforth gave a short laugh. - -'That's not an answer, sir,' said Mr. Creakle, 'to my remark. I -expect more than that from you, Steerforth.' - -If Mr. Mell looked homely, in my eyes, before the handsome boy, it -would be quite impossible to say how homely Mr. Creakle looked. -'Let him deny it,' said Steerforth. - -'Deny that he is a beggar, Steerforth?' cried Mr. Creakle. 'Why, -where does he go a-begging?' - -'If he is not a beggar himself, his near relation's one,' said -Steerforth. 'It's all the same.' - -He glanced at me, and Mr. Mell's hand gently patted me upon the -shoulder. I looked up with a flush upon my face and remorse in my -heart, but Mr. Mell's eyes were fixed on Steerforth. He continued -to pat me kindly on the shoulder, but he looked at him. - -'Since you expect me, Mr. Creakle, to justify myself,' said -Steerforth, 'and to say what I mean, - what I have to say is, that -his mother lives on charity in an alms-house.' - -Mr. Mell still looked at him, and still patted me kindly on the -shoulder, and said to himself, in a whisper, if I heard right: -'Yes, I thought so.' - -Mr. Creakle turned to his assistant, with a severe frown and -laboured politeness: - -'Now, you hear what this gentleman says, Mr. Mell. Have the -goodness, if you please, to set him right before the assembled -school.' - -'He is right, sir, without correction,' returned Mr. Mell, in the -midst of a dead silence; 'what he has said is true.' - -'Be so good then as declare publicly, will you,' said Mr. Creakle, -putting his head on one side, and rolling his eyes round the -school, 'whether it ever came to my knowledge until this moment?' - -'I believe not directly,' he returned. - -'Why, you know not,' said Mr. Creakle. 'Don't you, man?' - -'I apprehend you never supposed my worldly circumstances to be very -good,' replied the assistant. 'You know what my position is, and -always has been, here.' - -'I apprehend, if you come to that,' said Mr. Creakle, with his -veins swelling again bigger than ever, 'that you've been in a wrong -position altogether, and mistook this for a charity school. Mr. -Mell, we'll part, if you please. The sooner the better.' - -'There is no time,' answered Mr. Mell, rising, 'like the present.' - -'Sir, to you!' said Mr. Creakle. - -'I take my leave of you, Mr. Creakle, and all of you,' said Mr. -Mell, glancing round the room, and again patting me gently on the -shoulders. 'James Steerforth, the best wish I can leave you is -that you may come to be ashamed of what you have done today. At -present I would prefer to see you anything rather than a friend, to -me, or to anyone in whom I feel an interest.' - -Once more he laid his hand upon my shoulder; and then taking his -flute and a few books from his desk, and leaving the key in it for -his successor, he went out of the school, with his property under -his arm. Mr. Creakle then made a speech, through Tungay, in which -he thanked Steerforth for asserting (though perhaps too warmly) the -independence and respectability of Salem House; and which he wound -up by shaking hands with Steerforth, while we gave three cheers - -I did not quite know what for, but I supposed for Steerforth, and -so joined in them ardently, though I felt miserable. Mr. Creakle -then caned Tommy Traddles for being discovered in tears, instead of -cheers, on account of Mr. Mell's departure; and went back to his -sofa, or his bed, or wherever he had come from. - -We were left to ourselves now, and looked very blank, I recollect, -on one another. For myself, I felt so much self-reproach and -contrition for my part in what had happened, that nothing would -have enabled me to keep back my tears but the fear that Steerforth, -who often looked at me, I saw, might think it unfriendly - or, I -should rather say, considering our relative ages, and the feeling -with which I regarded him, undutiful - if I showed the emotion -which distressed me. He was very angry with Traddles, and said he -was glad he had caught it. - -Poor Traddles, who had passed the stage of lying with his head upon -the desk, and was relieving himself as usual with a burst of -skeletons, said he didn't care. Mr. Mell was ill-used. - -'Who has ill-used him, you girl?' said Steerforth. - -'Why, you have,' returned Traddles. - -'What have I done?' said Steerforth. - -'What have you done?' retorted Traddles. 'Hurt his feelings, and -lost him his situation.' - -'His feelings?' repeated Steerforth disdainfully. 'His feelings -will soon get the better of it, I'll be bound. His feelings are -not like yours, Miss Traddles. As to his situation - which was a -precious one, wasn't it? - do you suppose I am not going to write -home, and take care that he gets some money? Polly?' - -We thought this intention very noble in Steerforth, whose mother -was a widow, and rich, and would do almost anything, it was said, -that he asked her. We were all extremely glad to see Traddles so -put down, and exalted Steerforth to the skies: especially when he -told us, as he condescended to do, that what he had done had been -done expressly for us, and for our cause; and that he had conferred -a great boon upon us by unselfishly doing it. -But I must say that when I was going on with a story in the dark -that night, Mr. Mell's old flute seemed more than once to sound -mournfully in my ears; and that when at last Steerforth was tired, -and I lay down in my bed, I fancied it playing so sorrowfully -somewhere, that I was quite wretched. - -I soon forgot him in the contemplation of Steerforth, who, in an -easy amateur way, and without any book (he seemed to me to know -everything by heart), took some of his classes until a new master -was found. The new master came from a grammar school; and before -he entered on his duties, dined in the parlour one day, to be -introduced to Steerforth. Steerforth approved of him highly, and -told us he was a Brick. Without exactly understanding what learned -distinction was meant by this, I respected him greatly for it, and -had no doubt whatever of his superior knowledge: though he never -took the pains with me - not that I was anybody - that Mr. Mell had -taken. - -There was only one other event in this half-year, out of the daily -school-life, that made an impression upon me which still survives. -It survives for many reasons. - -One afternoon, when we were all harassed into a state of dire -confusion, and Mr. Creakle was laying about him dreadfully, Tungay -came in, and called out in his usual strong way: 'Visitors for -Copperfield!' - -A few words were interchanged between him and Mr. Creakle, as, who -the visitors were, and what room they were to be shown into; and -then I, who had, according to custom, stood up on the announcement -being made, and felt quite faint with astonishment, was told to go -by the back stairs and get a clean frill on, before I repaired to -the dining-room. These orders I obeyed, in such a flutter and -hurry of my young spirits as I had never known before; and when I -got to the parlour door, and the thought came into my head that it -might be my mother - I had only thought of Mr. or Miss Murdstone -until then - I drew back my hand from the lock, and stopped to have -a sob before I went in. - -At first I saw nobody; but feeling a pressure against the door, I -looked round it, and there, to my amazement, were Mr. Peggotty and -Ham, ducking at me with their hats, and squeezing one another -against the wall. I could not help laughing; but it was much more -in the pleasure of seeing them, than at the appearance they made. -We shook hands in a very cordial way; and I laughed and laughed, -until I pulled out my pocket-handkerchief and wiped my eyes. - -Mr. Peggotty (who never shut his mouth once, I remember, during the -visit) showed great concern when he saw me do this, and nudged Ham -to say something. - -'Cheer up, Mas'r Davy bor'!' said Ham, in his simpering way. 'Why, -how you have growed!' - -'Am I grown?' I said, drying my eyes. I was not crying at anything -in particular that I know of; but somehow it made me cry, to see -old friends. - -'Growed, Mas'r Davy bor'? Ain't he growed!' said Ham. - -'Ain't he growed!' said Mr. Peggotty. - -They made me laugh again by laughing at each other, and then we all -three laughed until I was in danger of crying again. - -'Do you know how mama is, Mr. Peggotty?' I said. 'And how my dear, -dear, old Peggotty is?' - -'Oncommon,' said Mr. Peggotty. - -'And little Em'ly, and Mrs. Gummidge?' - -'On - common,' said Mr. Peggotty. - -There was a silence. Mr. Peggotty, to relieve it, took two -prodigious lobsters, and an enormous crab, and a large canvas bag -of shrimps, out of his pockets, and piled them up in Ham's arms. - -'You see,' said Mr. Peggotty, 'knowing as you was partial to a -little relish with your wittles when you was along with us, we took -the liberty. The old Mawther biled 'em, she did. Mrs. Gummidge -biled 'em. Yes,' said Mr. Peggotty, slowly, who I thought appeared -to stick to the subject on account of having no other subject -ready, 'Mrs. Gummidge, I do assure you, she biled 'em.' - -I expressed my thanks; and Mr. Peggotty, after looking at Ham, who -stood smiling sheepishly over the shellfish, without making any -attempt to help him, said: - -'We come, you see, the wind and tide making in our favour, in one -of our Yarmouth lugs to Gravesen'. My sister she wrote to me the -name of this here place, and wrote to me as if ever I chanced to -come to Gravesen', I was to come over and inquire for Mas'r Davy -and give her dooty, humbly wishing him well and reporting of the -fam'ly as they was oncommon toe-be-sure. Little Em'ly, you see, -she'll write to my sister when I go back, as I see you and as you -was similarly oncommon, and so we make it quite a merry- -go-rounder.' - -I was obliged to consider a little before I understood what Mr. -Peggotty meant by this figure, expressive of a complete circle of -intelligence. I then thanked him heartily; and said, with a -consciousness of reddening, that I supposed little Em'ly was -altered too, since we used to pick up shells and pebbles on the -beach? - -'She's getting to be a woman, that's wot she's getting to be,' said -Mr. Peggotty. 'Ask HIM.' -He meant Ham, who beamed with delight and assent over the bag of -shrimps. - -'Her pretty face!' said Mr. Peggotty, with his own shining like a -light. - -'Her learning!' said Ham. - -'Her writing!' said Mr. Peggotty. 'Why it's as black as jet! And -so large it is, you might see it anywheres.' - -It was perfectly delightful to behold with what enthusiasm Mr. -Peggotty became inspired when he thought of his little favourite. -He stands before me again, his bluff hairy face irradiating with a -joyful love and pride, for which I can find no description. His -honest eyes fire up, and sparkle, as if their depths were stirred -by something bright. His broad chest heaves with pleasure. His -strong loose hands clench themselves, in his earnestness; and he -emphasizes what he says with a right arm that shows, in my pigmy -view, like a sledge-hammer. - -Ham was quite as earnest as he. I dare say they would have said -much more about her, if they had not been abashed by the unexpected -coming in of Steerforth, who, seeing me in a corner speaking with -two strangers, stopped in a song he was singing, and said: 'I -didn't know you were here, young Copperfield!' (for it was not the -usual visiting room) and crossed by us on his way out. - -I am not sure whether it was in the pride of having such a friend -as Steerforth, or in the desire to explain to him how I came to -have such a friend as Mr. Peggotty, that I called to him as he was -going away. But I said, modestly - Good Heaven, how it all comes -back to me this long time afterwards! - - -'Don't go, Steerforth, if you please. These are two Yarmouth -boatmen - very kind, good people - who are relations of my nurse, -and have come from Gravesend to see me.' - -'Aye, aye?' said Steerforth, returning. 'I am glad to see them. -How are you both?' - -There was an ease in his manner - a gay and light manner it was, -but not swaggering - which I still believe to have borne a kind of -enchantment with it. I still believe him, in virtue of this -carriage, his animal spirits, his delightful voice, his handsome -face and figure, and, for aught I know, of some inborn power of -attraction besides (which I think a few people possess), to have -carried a spell with him to which it was a natural weakness to -yield, and which not many persons could withstand. I could not but -see how pleased they were with him, and how they seemed to open -their hearts to him in a moment. - -'You must let them know at home, if you please, Mr. Peggotty,' I -said, 'when that letter is sent, that Mr. Steerforth is very kind -to me, and that I don't know what I should ever do here without -him.' - -'Nonsense!' said Steerforth, laughing. 'You mustn't tell them -anything of the sort.' - -'And if Mr. Steerforth ever comes into Norfolk or Suffolk, Mr. -Peggotty,' I said, 'while I am there, you may depend upon it I -shall bring him to Yarmouth, if he will let me, to see your house. -You never saw such a good house, Steerforth. It's made out of a -boat!' - -'Made out of a boat, is it?' said Steerforth. 'It's the right sort -of a house for such a thorough-built boatman.' - -'So 'tis, sir, so 'tis, sir,' said Ham, grinning. 'You're right, -young gen'l'm'n! Mas'r Davy bor', gen'l'm'n's right. A thorough- -built boatman! Hor, hor! That's what he is, too!' - -Mr. Peggotty was no less pleased than his nephew, though his -modesty forbade him to claim a personal compliment so vociferously. - -'Well, sir,' he said, bowing and chuckling, and tucking in the ends -of his neckerchief at his breast: 'I thankee, sir, I thankee! I do -my endeavours in my line of life, sir.' - -'The best of men can do no more, Mr. Peggotty,' said Steerforth. -He had got his name already. - -'I'll pound it, it's wot you do yourself, sir,' said Mr. Peggotty, -shaking his head, 'and wot you do well - right well! I thankee, -sir. I'm obleeged to you, sir, for your welcoming manner of me. -I'm rough, sir, but I'm ready - least ways, I hope I'm ready, you -unnerstand. My house ain't much for to see, sir, but it's hearty -at your service if ever you should come along with Mas'r Davy to -see it. I'm a reg'lar Dodman, I am,' said Mr. Peggotty, by which -he meant snail, and this was in allusion to his being slow to go, -for he had attempted to go after every sentence, and had somehow or -other come back again; 'but I wish you both well, and I wish you -happy!' - -Ham echoed this sentiment, and we parted with them in the heartiest -manner. I was almost tempted that evening to tell Steerforth about -pretty little Em'ly, but I was too timid of mentioning her name, -and too much afraid of his laughing at me. I remember that I -thought a good deal, and in an uneasy sort of way, about Mr. -Peggotty having said that she was getting on to be a woman; but I -decided that was nonsense. - -We transported the shellfish, or the 'relish' as Mr. Peggotty had -modestly called it, up into our room unobserved, and made a great -supper that evening. But Traddles couldn't get happily out of it. -He was too unfortunate even to come through a supper like anybody -else. He was taken ill in the night - quite prostrate he was - in -consequence of Crab; and after being drugged with black draughts -and blue pills, to an extent which Demple (whose father was a -doctor) said was enough to undermine a horse's constitution, -received a caning and six chapters of Greek Testament for refusing -to confess. - -The rest of the half-year is a jumble in my recollection of the -daily strife and struggle of our lives; of the waning summer and -the changing season; of the frosty mornings when we were rung out -of bed, and the cold, cold smell of the dark nights when we were -rung into bed again; of the evening schoolroom dimly lighted and -indifferently warmed, and the morning schoolroom which was nothing -but a great shivering-machine; of the alternation of boiled beef -with roast beef, and boiled mutton with roast mutton; of clods of -bread-and-butter, dog's-eared lesson-books, cracked slates, -tear-blotted copy-books, canings, rulerings, hair-cuttings, rainy -Sundays, suet-puddings, and a dirty atmosphere of ink, surrounding -all. - -I well remember though, how the distant idea of the holidays, after -seeming for an immense time to be a stationary speck, began to come -towards us, and to grow and grow. How from counting months, we -came to weeks, and then to days; and how I then began to be afraid -that I should not be sent for and when I learnt from Steerforth -that I had been sent for, and was certainly to go home, had dim -forebodings that I might break my leg first. How the breaking-up -day changed its place fast, at last, from the week after next to -next week, this week, the day after tomorrow, tomorrow, today, -tonight - when I was inside the Yarmouth mail, and going home. - -I had many a broken sleep inside the Yarmouth mail, and many an -incoherent dream of all these things. But when I awoke at -intervals, the ground outside the window was not the playground of -Salem House, and the sound in my ears was not the sound of Mr. -Creakle giving it to Traddles, but the sound of the coachman -touching up the horses. - - - -CHAPTER 8 -MY HOLIDAYS. ESPECIALLY ONE HAPPY AFTERNOON - - -When we arrived before day at the inn where the mail stopped, which -was not the inn where my friend the waiter lived, I was shown up to -a nice little bedroom, with DOLPHIN painted on the door. Very cold -I was, I know, notwithstanding the hot tea they had given me before -a large fire downstairs; and very glad I was to turn into the -Dolphin's bed, pull the Dolphin's blankets round my head, and go to -sleep. - -Mr. Barkis the carrier was to call for me in the morning at nine -o'clock. I got up at eight, a little giddy from the shortness of -my night's rest, and was ready for him before the appointed time. -He received me exactly as if not five minutes had elapsed since we -were last together, and I had only been into the hotel to get -change for sixpence, or something of that sort. - -As soon as I and my box were in the cart, and the carrier seated, -the lazy horse walked away with us all at his accustomed pace. - -'You look very well, Mr. Barkis,' I said, thinking he would like to -know it. - -Mr. Barkis rubbed his cheek with his cuff, and then looked at his -cuff as if he expected to find some of the bloom upon it; but made -no other acknowledgement of the compliment. - -'I gave your message, Mr. Barkis,' I said: 'I wrote to Peggotty.' - -'Ah!' said Mr. Barkis. - -Mr. Barkis seemed gruff, and answered drily. - -'Wasn't it right, Mr. Barkis?' I asked, after a little hesitation. - -'Why, no,' said Mr. Barkis. - -'Not the message?' - -'The message was right enough, perhaps,' said Mr. Barkis; 'but it -come to an end there.' - -Not understanding what he meant, I repeated inquisitively: 'Came to -an end, Mr. Barkis?' - -'Nothing come of it,' he explained, looking at me sideways. 'No -answer.' - -'There was an answer expected, was there, Mr. Barkis?' said I, -opening my eyes. For this was a new light to me. - -'When a man says he's willin',' said Mr. Barkis, turning his glance -slowly on me again, 'it's as much as to say, that man's a-waitin' -for a answer.' - -'Well, Mr. Barkis?' - -'Well,' said Mr. Barkis, carrying his eyes back to his horse's -ears; 'that man's been a-waitin' for a answer ever since.' - -'Have you told her so, Mr. Barkis?' - -'No - no,' growled Mr. Barkis, reflecting about it. 'I ain't got -no call to go and tell her so. I never said six words to her -myself, I ain't a-goin' to tell her so.' - -'Would you like me to do it, Mr. Barkis?' said I, doubtfully. -'You might tell her, if you would,' said Mr. Barkis, with another -slow look at me, 'that Barkis was a-waitin' for a answer. Says you -- what name is it?' - -'Her name?' - -'Ah!' said Mr. Barkis, with a nod of his head. - -'Peggotty.' - -'Chrisen name? Or nat'ral name?' said Mr. Barkis. - -'Oh, it's not her Christian name. Her Christian name is Clara.' - -'Is it though?' said Mr. Barkis. - -He seemed to find an immense fund of reflection in this -circumstance, and sat pondering and inwardly whistling for some -time. - -'Well!' he resumed at length. 'Says you, "Peggotty! Barkis is -waitin' for a answer." Says she, perhaps, "Answer to what?" Says -you, "To what I told you." "What is that?" says she. "Barkis is -willin'," says you.' - -This extremely artful suggestion Mr. Barkis accompanied with a -nudge of his elbow that gave me quite a stitch in my side. After -that, he slouched over his horse in his usual manner; and made no -other reference to the subject except, half an hour afterwards, -taking a piece of chalk from his pocket, and writing up, inside the -tilt of the cart, 'Clara Peggotty' - apparently as a private -memorandum. - -Ah, what a strange feeling it was to be going home when it was not -home, and to find that every object I looked at, reminded me of the -happy old home, which was like a dream I could never dream again! -The days when my mother and I and Peggotty were all in all to one -another, and there was no one to come between us, rose up before me -so sorrowfully on the road, that I am not sure I was glad to be -there - not sure but that I would rather have remained away, and -forgotten it in Steerforth's company. But there I was; and soon I -was at our house, where the bare old elm-trees wrung their many -hands in the bleak wintry air, and shreds of the old rooks'-nests -drifted away upon the wind. - -The carrier put my box down at the garden-gate, and left me. I -walked along the path towards the house, glancing at the windows, -and fearing at every step to see Mr. Murdstone or Miss Murdstone -lowering out of one of them. No face appeared, however; and being -come to the house, and knowing how to open the door, before dark, -without knocking, I went in with a quiet, timid step. - -God knows how infantine the memory may have been, that was awakened -within me by the sound of my mother's voice in the old parlour, -when I set foot in the hall. She was singing in a low tone. I -think I must have lain in her arms, and heard her singing so to me -when I was but a baby. The strain was new to me, and yet it was so -old that it filled my heart brim-full; like a friend come back from -a long absence. - -I believed, from the solitary and thoughtful way in which my mother -murmured her song, that she was alone. And I went softly into the -room. She was sitting by the fire, suckling an infant, whose tiny -hand she held against her neck. Her eyes were looking down upon -its face, and she sat singing to it. I was so far right, that she -had no other companion. - -I spoke to her, and she started, and cried out. But seeing me, she -called me her dear Davy, her own boy! and coming half across the -room to meet me, kneeled down upon the ground and kissed me, and -laid my head down on her bosom near the little creature that was -nestling there, and put its hand to my lips. - -I wish I had died. I wish I had died then, with that feeling in my -heart! I should have been more fit for Heaven than I ever have -been since. - -'He is your brother,' said my mother, fondling me. 'Davy, my -pretty boy! My poor child!' Then she kissed me more and more, and -clasped me round the neck. This she was doing when Peggotty came -running in, and bounced down on the ground beside us, and went mad -about us both for a quarter of an hour. - -It seemed that I had not been expected so soon, the carrier being -much before his usual time. It seemed, too, that Mr. and Miss -Murdstone had gone out upon a visit in the neighbourhood, and would -not return before night. I had never hoped for this. I had never -thought it possible that we three could be together undisturbed, -once more; and I felt, for the time, as if the old days were come -back. - -We dined together by the fireside. Peggotty was in attendance to -wait upon us, but my mother wouldn't let her do it, and made her -dine with us. I had my own old plate, with a brown view of a -man-of-war in full sail upon it, which Peggotty had hoarded -somewhere all the time I had been away, and would not have had -broken, she said, for a hundred pounds. I had my own old mug with -David on it, and my own old little knife and fork that wouldn't -cut. - -While we were at table, I thought it a favourable occasion to tell -Peggotty about Mr. Barkis, who, before I had finished what I had to -tell her, began to laugh, and throw her apron over her face. - -'Peggotty,' said my mother. 'What's the matter?' - -Peggotty only laughed the more, and held her apron tight over her -face when my mother tried to pull it away, and sat as if her head -were in a bag. - -'What are you doing, you stupid creature?' said my mother, -laughing. - -'Oh, drat the man!' cried Peggotty. 'He wants to marry me.' - -'It would be a very good match for you; wouldn't it?' said my -mother. - -'Oh! I don't know,' said Peggotty. 'Don't ask me. I wouldn't -have him if he was made of gold. Nor I wouldn't have anybody.' - -'Then, why don't you tell him so, you ridiculous thing?' said my -mother. - -'Tell him so,' retorted Peggotty, looking out of her apron. 'He -has never said a word to me about it. He knows better. If he was -to make so bold as say a word to me, I should slap his face.' - -Her own was as red as ever I saw it, or any other face, I think; -but she only covered it again, for a few moments at a time, when -she was taken with a violent fit of laughter; and after two or -three of those attacks, went on with her dinner. - -I remarked that my mother, though she smiled when Peggotty looked -at her, became more serious and thoughtful. I had seen at first -that she was changed. Her face was very pretty still, but it -looked careworn, and too delicate; and her hand was so thin and -white that it seemed to me to be almost transparent. But the -change to which I now refer was superadded to this: it was in her -manner, which became anxious and fluttered. At last she said, -putting out her hand, and laying it affectionately on the hand of -her old servant, - -'Peggotty, dear, you are not going to be married?' - -'Me, ma'am?' returned Peggotty, staring. 'Lord bless you, no!' - -'Not just yet?' said my mother, tenderly. - -'Never!' cried Peggotty. - -My mother took her hand, and said: - -'Don't leave me, Peggotty. Stay with me. It will not be for long, -perhaps. What should I ever do without you!' - -'Me leave you, my precious!' cried Peggotty. 'Not for all the -world and his wife. Why, what's put that in your silly little -head?' - For Peggotty had been used of old to talk to my mother -sometimes like a child. - -But my mother made no answer, except to thank her, and Peggotty -went running on in her own fashion. - -'Me leave you? I think I see myself. Peggotty go away from you? -I should like to catch her at it! No, no, no,' said Peggotty, -shaking her head, and folding her arms; 'not she, my dear. It -isn't that there ain't some Cats that would be well enough pleased -if she did, but they sha'n't be pleased. They shall be aggravated. -I'll stay with you till I am a cross cranky old woman. And when -I'm too deaf, and too lame, and too blind, and too mumbly for want -of teeth, to be of any use at all, even to be found fault with, -than I shall go to my Davy, and ask him to take me in.' - -'And, Peggotty,' says I, 'I shall be glad to see you, and I'll make -you as welcome as a queen.' - -'Bless your dear heart!' cried Peggotty. 'I know you will!' And -she kissed me beforehand, in grateful acknowledgement of my -hospitality. After that, she covered her head up with her apron -again and had another laugh about Mr. Barkis. After that, she took -the baby out of its little cradle, and nursed it. After that, she -cleared the dinner table; after that, came in with another cap on, -and her work-box, and the yard-measure, and the bit of wax-candle, -all just the same as ever. - -We sat round the fire, and talked delightfully. I told them what -a hard master Mr. Creakle was, and they pitied me very much. I -told them what a fine fellow Steerforth was, and what a patron of -mine, and Peggotty said she would walk a score of miles to see him. -I took the little baby in my arms when it was awake, and nursed it -lovingly. When it was asleep again, I crept close to my mother's -side according to my old custom, broken now a long time, and sat -with my arms embracing her waist, and my little red cheek on her -shoulder, and once more felt her beautiful hair drooping over me - -like an angel's wing as I used to think, I recollect - and was very -happy indeed. - -While I sat thus, looking at the fire, and seeing pictures in the -red-hot coals, I almost believed that I had never been away; that -Mr. and Miss Murdstone were such pictures, and would vanish when -the fire got low; and that there was nothing real in all that I -remembered, save my mother, Peggotty, and I. - -Peggotty darned away at a stocking as long as she could see, and -then sat with it drawn on her left hand like a glove, and her -needle in her right, ready to take another stitch whenever there -was a blaze. I cannot conceive whose stockings they can have been -that Peggotty was always darning, or where such an unfailing supply -of stockings in want of darning can have come from. From my -earliest infancy she seems to have been always employed in that -class of needlework, and never by any chance in any other. - -'I wonder,' said Peggotty, who was sometimes seized with a fit of -wondering on some most unexpected topic, 'what's become of Davy's -great-aunt?' -'Lor, Peggotty!' observed my mother, rousing herself from a -reverie, 'what nonsense you talk!' - -'Well, but I really do wonder, ma'am,' said Peggotty. - -'What can have put such a person in your head?' inquired my mother. -'Is there nobody else in the world to come there?' - -'I don't know how it is,' said Peggotty, 'unless it's on account of -being stupid, but my head never can pick and choose its people. -They come and they go, and they don't come and they don't go, just -as they like. I wonder what's become of her?' - -'How absurd you are, Peggotty!' returned my mother. 'One would -suppose you wanted a second visit from her.' - -'Lord forbid!' cried Peggotty. - -'Well then, don't talk about such uncomfortable things, there's a -good soul,' said my mother. 'Miss Betsey is shut up in her cottage -by the sea, no doubt, and will remain there. At all events, she is -not likely ever to trouble us again.' - -'No!' mused Peggotty. 'No, that ain't likely at all. - I wonder, -if she was to die, whether she'd leave Davy anything?' - -'Good gracious me, Peggotty,' returned my mother, 'what a -nonsensical woman you are! when you know that she took offence at -the poor dear boy's ever being born at all.' - -'I suppose she wouldn't be inclined to forgive him now,' hinted -Peggotty. - -'Why should she be inclined to forgive him now?' said my mother, -rather sharply. - -'Now that he's got a brother, I mean,' said Peggotty. - -MY mother immediately began to cry, and wondered how Peggotty dared -to say such a thing. - -'As if this poor little innocent in its cradle had ever done any -harm to you or anybody else, you jealous thing!' said she. 'You -had much better go and marry Mr. Barkis, the carrier. Why don't -you?' - -'I should make Miss Murdstone happy, if I was to,' said Peggotty. - -'What a bad disposition you have, Peggotty!' returned my mother. -'You are as jealous of Miss Murdstone as it is possible for a -ridiculous creature to be. You want to keep the keys yourself, and -give out all the things, I suppose? I shouldn't be surprised if -you did. When you know that she only does it out of kindness and -the best intentions! You know she does, Peggotty - you know it -well.' - -Peggotty muttered something to the effect of 'Bother the best -intentions!' and something else to the effect that there was a -little too much of the best intentions going on. - -'I know what you mean, you cross thing,' said my mother. 'I -understand you, Peggotty, perfectly. You know I do, and I wonder -you don't colour up like fire. But one point at a time. Miss -Murdstone is the point now, Peggotty, and you sha'n't escape from -it. Haven't you heard her say, over and over again, that she -thinks I am too thoughtless and too - a - a -' - -'Pretty,' suggested Peggotty. - -'Well,' returned my mother, half laughing, 'and if she is so silly -as to say so, can I be blamed for it?' - -'No one says you can,' said Peggotty. - -'No, I should hope not, indeed!' returned my mother. 'Haven't you -heard her say, over and over again, that on this account she wished -to spare me a great deal of trouble, which she thinks I am not -suited for, and which I really don't know myself that I AM suited -for; and isn't she up early and late, and going to and fro -continually - and doesn't she do all sorts of things, and grope -into all sorts of places, coal-holes and pantries and I don't know -where, that can't be very agreeable - and do you mean to insinuate -that there is not a sort of devotion in that?' - -'I don't insinuate at all,' said Peggotty. - -'You do, Peggotty,' returned my mother. 'You never do anything -else, except your work. You are always insinuating. You revel in -it. And when you talk of Mr. Murdstone's good intentions -' - -'I never talked of 'em,' said Peggotty. - -'No, Peggotty,' returned my mother, 'but you insinuated. That's -what I told you just now. That's the worst of you. You WILL -insinuate. I said, at the moment, that I understood you, and you -see I did. When you talk of Mr. Murdstone's good intentions, and -pretend to slight them (for I don't believe you really do, in your -heart, Peggotty), you must be as well convinced as I am how good -they are, and how they actuate him in everything. If he seems to -have been at all stern with a certain person, Peggotty - you -understand, and so I am sure does Davy, that I am not alluding to -anybody present - it is solely because he is satisfied that it is -for a certain person's benefit. He naturally loves a certain -person, on my account; and acts solely for a certain person's good. -He is better able to judge of it than I am; for I very well know -that I am a weak, light, girlish creature, and that he is a firm, -grave, serious man. And he takes,' said my mother, with the tears -which were engendered in her affectionate nature, stealing down her -face, 'he takes great pains with me; and I ought to be very -thankful to him, and very submissive to him even in my thoughts; -and when I am not, Peggotty, I worry and condemn myself, and feel -doubtful of my own heart, and don't know what to do.' - -Peggotty sat with her chin on the foot of the stocking, looking -silently at the fire. - -'There, Peggotty,' said my mother, changing her tone, 'don't let us -fall out with one another, for I couldn't bear it. You are my true -friend, I know, if I have any in the world. When I call you a -ridiculous creature, or a vexatious thing, or anything of that -sort, Peggotty, I only mean that you are my true friend, and always -have been, ever since the night when Mr. Copperfield first brought -me home here, and you came out to the gate to meet me.' - -Peggotty was not slow to respond, and ratify the treaty of -friendship by giving me one of her best hugs. I think I had some -glimpses of the real character of this conversation at the time; -but I am sure, now, that the good creature originated it, and took -her part in it, merely that my mother might comfort herself with -the little contradictory summary in which she had indulged. The -design was efficacious; for I remember that my mother seemed more -at ease during the rest of the evening, and that Peggotty observed -her less. - -When we had had our tea, and the ashes were thrown up, and the -candles snuffed, I read Peggotty a chapter out of the Crocodile -Book, in remembrance of old times - she took it out of her pocket: -I don't know whether she had kept it there ever since - and then we -talked about Salem House, which brought me round again to -Steerforth, who was my great subject. We were very happy; and that -evening, as the last of its race, and destined evermore to close -that volume of my life, will never pass out of my memory. - -It was almost ten o'clock before we heard the sound of wheels. We -all got up then; and my mother said hurriedly that, as it was so -late, and Mr. and Miss Murdstone approved of early hours for young -people, perhaps I had better go to bed. I kissed her, and went -upstairs with my candle directly, before they came in. It appeared -to my childish fancy, as I ascended to the bedroom where I had been -imprisoned, that they brought a cold blast of air into the house -which blew away the old familiar feeling like a feather. - -I felt uncomfortable about going down to breakfast in the morning, -as I had never set eyes on Mr. Murdstone since the day when I -committed my memorable offence. However, as it must be done, I -went down, after two or three false starts half-way, and as many -runs back on tiptoe to my own room, and presented myself in the -parlour. - -He was standing before the fire with his back to it, while Miss -Murdstone made the tea. He looked at me steadily as I entered, but -made no sign of recognition whatever. -I went up to him, after a moment of confusion, and said: 'I beg -your pardon, sir. I am very sorry for what I did, and I hope you -will forgive me.' - -'I am glad to hear you are sorry, David,' he replied. - -The hand he gave me was the hand I had bitten. I could not -restrain my eye from resting for an instant on a red spot upon it; -but it was not so red as I turned, when I met that sinister -expression in his face. - -'How do you do, ma'am?' I said to Miss Murdstone. - -'Ah, dear me!' sighed Miss Murdstone, giving me the tea-caddy scoop -instead of her fingers. 'How long are the holidays?' - -'A month, ma'am.' - -'Counting from when?' - -'From today, ma'am.' - -'Oh!' said Miss Murdstone. 'Then here's one day off.' - -She kept a calendar of the holidays in this way, and every morning -checked a day off in exactly the same manner. She did it gloomily -until she came to ten, but when she got into two figures she became -more hopeful, and, as the time advanced, even jocular. - -It was on this very first day that I had the misfortune to throw -her, though she was not subject to such weakness in general, into -a state of violent consternation. I came into the room where she -and my mother were sitting; and the baby (who was only a few weeks -old) being on my mother's lap, I took it very carefully in my arms. -Suddenly Miss Murdstone gave such a scream that I all but dropped -it. - -'My dear Jane!' cried my mother. - -'Good heavens, Clara, do you see?' exclaimed Miss Murdstone. - -'See what, my dear Jane?' said my mother; 'where?' - -'He's got it!' cried Miss Murdstone. 'The boy has got the baby!' - -She was limp with horror; but stiffened herself to make a dart at -me, and take it out of my arms. Then, she turned faint; and was so -very ill that they were obliged to give her cherry brandy. I was -solemnly interdicted by her, on her recovery, from touching my -brother any more on any pretence whatever; and my poor mother, who, -I could see, wished otherwise, meekly confirmed the interdict, by -saying: 'No doubt you are right, my dear Jane.' - -On another occasion, when we three were together, this same dear -baby - it was truly dear to me, for our mother's sake - was the -innocent occasion of Miss Murdstone's going into a passion. My -mother, who had been looking at its eyes as it lay upon her lap, -said: - -'Davy! come here!' and looked at mine. - -I saw Miss Murdstone lay her beads down. - -'I declare,' said my mother, gently, 'they are exactly alike. I -suppose they are mine. I think they are the colour of mine. But -they are wonderfully alike.' - -'What are you talking about, Clara?' said Miss Murdstone. - -'My dear Jane,' faltered my mother, a little abashed by the harsh -tone of this inquiry, 'I find that the baby's eyes and Davy's are -exactly alike.' - -'Clara!' said Miss Murdstone, rising angrily, 'you are a positive -fool sometimes.' - -'My dear Jane,' remonstrated my mother. - -'A positive fool,' said Miss Murdstone. 'Who else could compare my -brother's baby with your boy? They are not at all alike. They are -exactly unlike. They are utterly dissimilar in all respects. I -hope they will ever remain so. I will not sit here, and hear such -comparisons made.' With that she stalked out, and made the door -bang after her. - -In short, I was not a favourite with Miss Murdstone. In short, I -was not a favourite there with anybody, not even with myself; for -those who did like me could not show it, and those who did not, -showed it so plainly that I had a sensitive consciousness of always -appearing constrained, boorish, and dull. - -I felt that I made them as uncomfortable as they made me. If I -came into the room where they were, and they were talking together -and my mother seemed cheerful, an anxious cloud would steal over -her face from the moment of my entrance. If Mr. Murdstone were in -his best humour, I checked him. If Miss Murdstone were in her -worst, I intensified it. I had perception enough to know that my -mother was the victim always; that she was afraid to speak to me or -to be kind to me, lest she should give them some offence by her -manner of doing so, and receive a lecture afterwards; that she was -not only ceaselessly afraid of her own offending, but of my -offending, and uneasily watched their looks if I only moved. -Therefore I resolved to keep myself as much out of their way as I -could; and many a wintry hour did I hear the church clock strike, -when I was sitting in my cheerless bedroom, wrapped in my little -great-coat, poring over a book. - -In the evening, sometimes, I went and sat with Peggotty in the -kitchen. There I was comfortable, and not afraid of being myself. -But neither of these resources was approved of in the parlour. The -tormenting humour which was dominant there stopped them both. I -was still held to be necessary to my poor mother's training, and, -as one of her trials, could not be suffered to absent myself. - -'David,' said Mr. Murdstone, one day after dinner when I was going -to leave the room as usual; 'I am sorry to observe that you are of -a sullen disposition.' - -'As sulky as a bear!' said Miss Murdstone. - -I stood still, and hung my head. - -'Now, David,' said Mr. Murdstone, 'a sullen obdurate disposition -is, of all tempers, the worst.' - -'And the boy's is, of all such dispositions that ever I have seen,' -remarked his sister, 'the most confirmed and stubborn. I think, my -dear Clara, even you must observe it?' - -'I beg your pardon, my dear Jane,' said my mother, 'but are you -quite sure - I am certain you'll excuse me, my dear Jane - that you -understand Davy?' - -'I should be somewhat ashamed of myself, Clara,' returned Miss -Murdstone, 'if I could not understand the boy, or any boy. I don't -profess to be profound; but I do lay claim to common sense.' - -'No doubt, my dear Jane,' returned my mother, 'your understanding -is very vigorous -' - -'Oh dear, no! Pray don't say that, Clara,' interposed Miss -Murdstone, angrily. - -'But I am sure it is,' resumed my mother; 'and everybody knows it -is. I profit so much by it myself, in many ways - at least I ought -to - that no one can be more convinced of it than myself; and -therefore I speak with great diffidence, my dear Jane, I assure -you.' - -'We'll say I don't understand the boy, Clara,' returned Miss -Murdstone, arranging the little fetters on her wrists. 'We'll -agree, if you please, that I don't understand him at all. He is -much too deep for me. But perhaps my brother's penetration may -enable him to have some insight into his character. And I believe -my brother was speaking on the subject when we - not very decently -- interrupted him.' - -'I think, Clara,' said Mr. Murdstone, in a low grave voice, 'that -there may be better and more dispassionate judges of such a -question than you.' - -'Edward,' replied my mother, timidly, 'you are a far better judge -of all questions than I pretend to be. Both you and Jane are. I -only said -' - -'You only said something weak and inconsiderate,' he replied. 'Try -not to do it again, my dear Clara, and keep a watch upon yourself.' - -MY mother's lips moved, as if she answered 'Yes, my dear Edward,' -but she said nothing aloud. - -'I was sorry, David, I remarked,' said Mr. Murdstone, turning his -head and his eyes stiffly towards me, 'to observe that you are of -a sullen disposition. This is not a character that I can suffer to -develop itself beneath my eyes without an effort at improvement. -You must endeavour, sir, to change it. We must endeavour to change -it for you.' - -'I beg your pardon, sir,' I faltered. 'I have never meant to be -sullen since I came back.' - -'Don't take refuge in a lie, sir!' he returned so fiercely, that I -saw my mother involuntarily put out her trembling hand as if to -interpose between us. 'You have withdrawn yourself in your -sullenness to your own room. You have kept your own room when you -ought to have been here. You know now, once for all, that I -require you to be here, and not there. Further, that I require you -to bring obedience here. You know me, David. I will have it -done.' - -Miss Murdstone gave a hoarse chuckle. - -'I will have a respectful, prompt, and ready bearing towards -myself,' he continued, 'and towards Jane Murdstone, and towards -your mother. I will not have this room shunned as if it were -infected, at the pleasure of a child. Sit down.' - -He ordered me like a dog, and I obeyed like a dog. - -'One thing more,' he said. 'I observe that you have an attachment -to low and common company. You are not to associate with servants. -The kitchen will not improve you, in the many respects in which you -need improvement. Of the woman who abets you, I say nothing - -since you, Clara,' addressing my mother in a lower voice, 'from old -associations and long-established fancies, have a weakness -respecting her which is not yet overcome.' - -'A most unaccountable delusion it is!' cried Miss Murdstone. - -'I only say,' he resumed, addressing me, 'that I disapprove of your -preferring such company as Mistress Peggotty, and that it is to be -abandoned. Now, David, you understand me, and you know what will -be the consequence if you fail to obey me to the letter.' - -I knew well - better perhaps than he thought, as far as my poor -mother was concerned - and I obeyed him to the letter. I retreated -to my own room no more; I took refuge with Peggotty no more; but -sat wearily in the parlour day after day, looking forward to night, -and bedtime. - -What irksome constraint I underwent, sitting in the same attitude -hours upon hours, afraid to move an arm or a leg lest Miss -Murdstone should complain (as she did on the least pretence) of my -restlessness, and afraid to move an eye lest she should light on -some look of dislike or scrutiny that would find new cause for -complaint in mine! What intolerable dulness to sit listening to -the ticking of the clock; and watching Miss Murdstone's little -shiny steel beads as she strung them; and wondering whether she -would ever be married, and if so, to what sort of unhappy man; and -counting the divisions in the moulding of the chimney-piece; and -wandering away, with my eyes, to the ceiling, among the curls and -corkscrews in the paper on the wall! - -What walks I took alone, down muddy lanes, in the bad winter -weather, carrying that parlour, and Mr. and Miss Murdstone in it, -everywhere: a monstrous load that I was obliged to bear, a daymare -that there was no possibility of breaking in, a weight that brooded -on my wits, and blunted them! - -What meals I had in silence and embarrassment, always feeling that -there were a knife and fork too many, and that mine; an appetite -too many, and that mine; a plate and chair too many, and those -mine; a somebody too many, and that I! - -What evenings, when the candles came, and I was expected to employ -myself, but, not daring to read an entertaining book, pored over -some hard-headed, harder-hearted treatise on arithmetic; when the -tables of weights and measures set themselves to tunes, as 'Rule -Britannia', or 'Away with Melancholy'; when they wouldn't stand -still to be learnt, but would go threading my grandmother's needle -through my unfortunate head, in at one ear and out at the other! -What yawns and dozes I lapsed into, in spite of all my care; what -starts I came out of concealed sleeps with; what answers I never -got, to little observations that I rarely made; what a blank space -I seemed, which everybody overlooked, and yet was in everybody's -way; what a heavy relief it was to hear Miss Murdstone hail the -first stroke of nine at night, and order me to bed! - -Thus the holidays lagged away, until the morning came when Miss -Murdstone said: 'Here's the last day off!' and gave me the closing -cup of tea of the vacation. - -I was not sorry to go. I had lapsed into a stupid state; but I was -recovering a little and looking forward to Steerforth, albeit Mr. -Creakle loomed behind him. Again Mr. Barkis appeared at the gate, -and again Miss Murdstone in her warning voice, said: 'Clara!' when -my mother bent over me, to bid me farewell. - -I kissed her, and my baby brother, and was very sorry then; but not -sorry to go away, for the gulf between us was there, and the -parting was there, every day. And it is not so much the embrace -she gave me, that lives in my mind, though it was as fervent as -could be, as what followed the embrace. - -I was in the carrier's cart when I heard her calling to me. I -looked out, and she stood at the garden-gate alone, holding her -baby up in her arms for me to see. It was cold still weather; and -not a hair of her head, nor a fold of her dress, was stirred, as -she looked intently at me, holding up her child. - -So I lost her. So I saw her afterwards, in my sleep at school - a -silent presence near my bed - looking at me with the same intent -face - holding up her baby in her arms. - - - -CHAPTER 9 -I HAVE A MEMORABLE BIRTHDAY - - -I PASS over all that happened at school, until the anniversary of -my birthday came round in March. Except that Steerforth was more -to be admired than ever, I remember nothing. He was going away at -the end of the half-year, if not sooner, and was more spirited and -independent than before in my eyes, and therefore more engaging -than before; but beyond this I remember nothing. The great -remembrance by which that time is marked in my mind, seems to have -swallowed up all lesser recollections, and to exist alone. - -It is even difficult for me to believe that there was a gap of full -two months between my return to Salem House and the arrival of that -birthday. I can only understand that the fact was so, because I -know it must have been so; otherwise I should feel convinced that -there was no interval, and that the one occasion trod upon the -other's heels. - -How well I recollect the kind of day it was! I smell the fog that -hung about the place; I see the hoar frost, ghostly, through it; I -feel my rimy hair fall clammy on my cheek; I look along the dim -perspective of the schoolroom, with a sputtering candle here and -there to light up the foggy morning, and the breath of the boys -wreathing and smoking in the raw cold as they blow upon their -fingers, and tap their feet upon the floor. It was after -breakfast, and we had been summoned in from the playground, when -Mr. Sharp entered and said: - -'David Copperfield is to go into the parlour.' - -I expected a hamper from Peggotty, and brightened at the order. -Some of the boys about me put in their claim not to be forgotten in -the distribution of the good things, as I got out of my seat with -great alacrity. - -'Don't hurry, David,' said Mr. Sharp. 'There's time enough, my -boy, don't hurry.' - -I might have been surprised by the feeling tone in which he spoke, -if I had given it a thought; but I gave it none until afterwards. -I hurried away to the parlour; and there I found Mr. Creakle, -sitting at his breakfast with the cane and a newspaper before him, -and Mrs. Creakle with an opened letter in her hand. But no hamper. - -'David Copperfield,' said Mrs. Creakle, leading me to a sofa, and -sitting down beside me. 'I want to speak to you very particularly. -I have something to tell you, my child.' - -Mr. Creakle, at whom of course I looked, shook his head without -looking at me, and stopped up a sigh with a very large piece of -buttered toast. - -'You are too young to know how the world changes every day,' said -Mrs. Creakle, 'and how the people in it pass away. But we all have -to learn it, David; some of us when we are young, some of us when -we are old, some of us at all times of our lives.' - -I looked at her earnestly. - -'When you came away from home at the end of the vacation,' said -Mrs. Creakle, after a pause, 'were they all well?' After another -pause, 'Was your mama well?' - -I trembled without distinctly knowing why, and still looked at her -earnestly, making no attempt to answer. - -'Because,' said she, 'I grieve to tell you that I hear this morning -your mama is very ill.' - -A mist rose between Mrs. Creakle and me, and her figure seemed to -move in it for an instant. Then I felt the burning tears run down -my face, and it was steady again. - -'She is very dangerously ill,' she added. - -I knew all now. - -'She is dead.' - -There was no need to tell me so. I had already broken out into a -desolate cry, and felt an orphan in the wide world. - -She was very kind to me. She kept me there all day, and left me -alone sometimes; and I cried, and wore myself to sleep, and awoke -and cried again. When I could cry no more, I began to think; and -then the oppression on my breast was heaviest, and my grief a dull -pain that there was no ease for. - -And yet my thoughts were idle; not intent on the calamity that -weighed upon my heart, but idly loitering near it. I thought of -our house shut up and hushed. I thought of the little baby, who, -Mrs. Creakle said, had been pining away for some time, and who, -they believed, would die too. I thought of my father's grave in -the churchyard, by our house, and of my mother lying there beneath -the tree I knew so well. I stood upon a chair when I was left -alone, and looked into the glass to see how red my eyes were, and -how sorrowful my face. I considered, after some hours were gone, -if my tears were really hard to flow now, as they seemed to be, -what, in connexion with my loss, it would affect me most to think -of when I drew near home - for I was going home to the funeral. I -am sensible of having felt that a dignity attached to me among the -rest of the boys, and that I was important in my affliction. - -If ever child were stricken with sincere grief, I was. But I -remember that this importance was a kind of satisfaction to me, -when I walked in the playground that afternoon while the boys were -in school. When I saw them glancing at me out of the windows, as -they went up to their classes, I felt distinguished, and looked -more melancholy, and walked slower. When school was over, and they -came out and spoke to me, I felt it rather good in myself not to be -proud to any of them, and to take exactly the same notice of them -all, as before. - -I was to go home next night; not by the mail, but by the heavy -night-coach, which was called the Farmer, and was principally used -by country-people travelling short intermediate distances upon the -road. We had no story-telling that evening, and Traddles insisted -on lending me his pillow. I don't know what good he thought it -would do me, for I had one of my own: but it was all he had to -lend, poor fellow, except a sheet of letter-paper full of -skeletons; and that he gave me at parting, as a soother of my -sorrows and a contribution to my peace of mind. - -I left Salem House upon the morrow afternoon. I little thought -then that I left it, never to return. We travelled very slowly all -night, and did not get into Yarmouth before nine or ten o'clock in -the morning. I looked out for Mr. Barkis, but he was not there; -and instead of him a fat, short-winded, merry-looking, little old -man in black, with rusty little bunches of ribbons at the knees of -his breeches, black stockings, and a broad-brimmed hat, came -puffing up to the coach window, and said: - -'Master Copperfield?' - -'Yes, sir.' - -'Will you come with me, young sir, if you please,' he said, opening -the door, 'and I shall have the pleasure of taking you home.' - -I put my hand in his, wondering who he was, and we walked away to -a shop in a narrow street, on which was written OMER, DRAPER, -TAILOR, HABERDASHER, FUNERAL FURNISHER, &c. It was a close and -stifling little shop; full of all sorts of clothing, made and -unmade, including one window full of beaver-hats and bonnets. We -went into a little back-parlour behind the shop, where we found -three young women at work on a quantity of black materials, which -were heaped upon the table, and little bits and cuttings of which -were littered all over the floor. There was a good fire in the -room, and a breathless smell of warm black crape - I did not know -what the smell was then, but I know now. - -The three young women, who appeared to be very industrious and -comfortable, raised their heads to look at me, and then went on -with their work. Stitch, stitch, stitch. At the same time there -came from a workshop across a little yard outside the window, a -regular sound of hammering that kept a kind of tune: RAT - tat-tat, -RAT - tat-tat, RAT - tat-tat, without any variation. - -'Well,' said my conductor to one of the three young women. 'How do -you get on, Minnie?' - -'We shall be ready by the trying-on time,' she replied gaily, -without looking up. 'Don't you be afraid, father.' - -Mr. Omer took off his broad-brimmed hat, and sat down and panted. -He was so fat that he was obliged to pant some time before he could -say: - -'That's right.' - -'Father!' said Minnie, playfully. 'What a porpoise you do grow!' - -'Well, I don't know how it is, my dear,' he replied, considering -about it. 'I am rather so.' - -'You are such a comfortable man, you see,' said Minnie. 'You take -things so easy.' - -'No use taking 'em otherwise, my dear,' said Mr. Omer. - -'No, indeed,' returned his daughter. 'We are all pretty gay here, -thank Heaven! Ain't we, father?' - -'I hope so, my dear,' said Mr. Omer. 'As I have got my breath now, -I think I'll measure this young scholar. Would you walk into the -shop, Master Copperfield?' - -I preceded Mr. Omer, in compliance with his request; and after -showing me a roll of cloth which he said was extra super, and too -good mourning for anything short of parents, he took my various -dimensions, and put them down in a book. While he was recording -them he called my attention to his stock in trade, and to certain -fashions which he said had 'just come up', and to certain other -fashions which he said had 'just gone out'. - -'And by that sort of thing we very often lose a little mint of -money,' said Mr. Omer. 'But fashions are like human beings. They -come in, nobody knows when, why, or how; and they go out, nobody -knows when, why, or how. Everything is like life, in my opinion, -if you look at it in that point of view.' - -I was too sorrowful to discuss the question, which would possibly -have been beyond me under any circumstances; and Mr. Omer took me -back into the parlour, breathing with some difficulty on the way. - -He then called down a little break-neck range of steps behind a -door: 'Bring up that tea and bread-and-butter!' which, after some -time, during which I sat looking about me and thinking, and -listening to the stitching in the room and the tune that was being -hammered across the yard, appeared on a tray, and turned out to be -for me. - -'I have been acquainted with you,' said Mr. Omer, after watching me -for some minutes, during which I had not made much impression on -the breakfast, for the black things destroyed my appetite, 'I have -been acquainted with you a long time, my young friend.' - -'Have you, sir?' - -'All your life,' said Mr. Omer. 'I may say before it. I knew your -father before you. He was five foot nine and a half, and he lays -in five-and-twen-ty foot of ground.' - -'RAT - tat-tat, RAT - tat-tat, RAT - tat-tat,' across the yard. - -'He lays in five and twen-ty foot of ground, if he lays in a -fraction,' said Mr. Omer, pleasantly. 'It was either his request -or her direction, I forget which.' - -'Do you know how my little brother is, sir?' I inquired. - -Mr. Omer shook his head. - -'RAT - tat-tat, RAT - tat-tat, RAT - tat-tat.' - -'He is in his mother's arms,' said he. - -'Oh, poor little fellow! Is he dead?' - -'Don't mind it more than you can help,' said Mr. Omer. 'Yes. The -baby's dead.' - -My wounds broke out afresh at this intelligence. I left the -scarcely-tasted breakfast, and went and rested my head on another -table, in a corner of the little room, which Minnie hastily -cleared, lest I should spot the mourning that was lying there with -my tears. She was a pretty, good-natured girl, and put my hair -away from my eyes with a soft, kind touch; but she was very -cheerful at having nearly finished her work and being in good time, -and was so different from me! - -Presently the tune left off, and a good-looking young fellow came -across the yard into the room. He had a hammer in his hand, and -his mouth was full of little nails, which he was obliged to take -out before he could speak. - -'Well, Joram!' said Mr. Omer. 'How do you get on?' - -'All right,' said Joram. 'Done, sir.' - -Minnie coloured a little, and the other two girls smiled at one -another. - -'What! you were at it by candle-light last night, when I was at the -club, then? Were you?' said Mr. Omer, shutting up one eye. - -'Yes,' said Joram. 'As you said we could make a little trip of it, -and go over together, if it was done, Minnie and me - and you.' - -'Oh! I thought you were going to leave me out altogether,' said -Mr. Omer, laughing till he coughed. - -'- As you was so good as to say that,' resumed the young man, 'why -I turned to with a will, you see. Will you give me your opinion of -it?' - -'I will,' said Mr. Omer, rising. 'My dear'; and he stopped and -turned to me: 'would you like to see your -' - -'No, father,' Minnie interposed. - -'I thought it might be agreeable, my dear,' said Mr. Omer. 'But -perhaps you're right.' - -I can't say how I knew it was my dear, dear mother's coffin that -they went to look at. I had never heard one making; I had never -seen one that I know of.- but it came into my mind what the noise -was, while it was going on; and when the young man entered, I am -sure I knew what he had been doing. - -The work being now finished, the two girls, whose names I had not -heard, brushed the shreds and threads from their dresses, and went -into the shop to put that to rights, and wait for customers. -Minnie stayed behind to fold up what they had made, and pack it in -two baskets. This she did upon her knees, humming a lively little -tune the while. Joram, who I had no doubt was her lover, came in -and stole a kiss from her while she was busy (he didn't appear to -mind me, at all), and said her father was gone for the chaise, and -he must make haste and get himself ready. Then he went out again; -and then she put her thimble and scissors in her pocket, and stuck -a needle threaded with black thread neatly in the bosom of her -gown, and put on her outer clothing smartly, at a little glass -behind the door, in which I saw the reflection of her pleased face. - -All this I observed, sitting at the table in the corner with my -head leaning on my hand, and my thoughts running on very different -things. The chaise soon came round to the front of the shop, and -the baskets being put in first, I was put in next, and those three -followed. I remember it as a kind of half chaise-cart, half -pianoforte-van, painted of a sombre colour, and drawn by a black -horse with a long tail. There was plenty of room for us all. - -I do not think I have ever experienced so strange a feeling in my -life (I am wiser now, perhaps) as that of being with them, -remembering how they had been employed, and seeing them enjoy the -ride. I was not angry with them; I was more afraid of them, as if -I were cast away among creatures with whom I had no community of -nature. They were very cheerful. The old man sat in front to -drive, and the two young people sat behind him, and whenever he -spoke to them leaned forward, the one on one side of his chubby -face and the other on the other, and made a great deal of him. -They would have talked to me too, but I held back, and moped in my -corner; scared by their love-making and hilarity, though it was far -from boisterous, and almost wondering that no judgement came upon -them for their hardness of heart. - -So, when they stopped to bait the horse, and ate and drank and -enjoyed themselves, I could touch nothing that they touched, but -kept my fast unbroken. So, when we reached home, I dropped out of -the chaise behind, as quickly as possible, that I might not be in -their company before those solemn windows, looking blindly on me -like closed eyes once bright. And oh, how little need I had had to -think what would move me to tears when I came back - seeing the -window of my mother's room, and next it that which, in the better -time, was mine! - -I was in Peggotty's arms before I got to the door, and she took me -into the house. Her grief burst out when she first saw me; but she -controlled it soon, and spoke in whispers, and walked softly, as if -the dead could be disturbed. She had not been in bed, I found, for -a long time. She sat up at night still, and watched. As long as -her poor dear pretty was above the ground, she said, she would -never desert her. - -Mr. Murdstone took no heed of me when I went into the parlour where -he was, but sat by the fireside, weeping silently, and pondering in -his elbow-chair. Miss Murdstone, who was busy at her writing-desk, -which was covered with letters and papers, gave me her cold -finger-nails, and asked me, in an iron whisper, if I had been -measured for my mourning. - -I said: 'Yes.' - -'And your shirts,' said Miss Murdstone; 'have you brought 'em -home?' - -'Yes, ma'am. I have brought home all my clothes.' - -This was all the consolation that her firmness administered to me. -I do not doubt that she had a choice pleasure in exhibiting what -she called her self-command, and her firmness, and her strength of -mind, and her common sense, and the whole diabolical catalogue of -her unamiable qualities, on such an occasion. She was particularly -proud of her turn for business; and she showed it now in reducing -everything to pen and ink, and being moved by nothing. All the -rest of that day, and from morning to night afterwards, she sat at -that desk, scratching composedly with a hard pen, speaking in the -same imperturbable whisper to everybody; never relaxing a muscle of -her face, or softening a tone of her voice, or appearing with an -atom of her dress astray. - -Her brother took a book sometimes, but never read it that I saw. -He would open it and look at it as if he were reading, but would -remain for a whole hour without turning the leaf, and then put it -down and walk to and fro in the room. I used to sit with folded -hands watching him, and counting his footsteps, hour after hour. -He very seldom spoke to her, and never to me. He seemed to be the -only restless thing, except the clocks, in the whole motionless -house. - -In these days before the funeral, I saw but little of Peggotty, -except that, in passing up or down stairs, I always found her close -to the room where my mother and her baby lay, and except that she -came to me every night, and sat by my bed's head while I went to -sleep. A day or two before the burial - I think it was a day or -two before, but I am conscious of confusion in my mind about that -heavy time, with nothing to mark its progress - she took me into -the room. I only recollect that underneath some white covering on -the bed, with a beautiful cleanliness and freshness all around it, -there seemed to me to lie embodied the solemn stillness that was in -the house; and that when she would have turned the cover gently -back, I cried: 'Oh no! oh no!' and held her hand. - -If the funeral had been yesterday, I could not recollect it better. -The very air of the best parlour, when I went in at the door, the -bright condition of the fire, the shining of the wine in the -decanters, the patterns of the glasses and plates, the faint sweet -smell of cake, the odour of Miss Murdstone's dress, and our black -clothes. Mr. Chillip is in the room, and comes to speak to me. - -'And how is Master David?' he says, kindly. - -I cannot tell him very well. I give him my hand, which he holds in -his. - -'Dear me!' says Mr. Chillip, meekly smiling, with something shining -in his eye. 'Our little friends grow up around us. They grow out -of our knowledge, ma'am?' This is to Miss Murdstone, who makes no -reply. - -'There is a great improvement here, ma'am?' says Mr. Chillip. - -Miss Murdstone merely answers with a frown and a formal bend: Mr. -Chillip, discomfited, goes into a corner, keeping me with him, and -opens his mouth no more. - -I remark this, because I remark everything that happens, not -because I care about myself, or have done since I came home. And -now the bell begins to sound, and Mr. Omer and another come to make -us ready. As Peggotty was wont to tell me, long ago, the followers -of my father to the same grave were made ready in the same room. - -There are Mr. Murdstone, our neighbour Mr. Grayper, Mr. Chillip, -and I. When we go out to the door, the Bearers and their load are -in the garden; and they move before us down the path, and past the -elms, and through the gate, and into the churchyard, where I have -so often heard the birds sing on a summer morning. - -We stand around the grave. The day seems different to me from -every other day, and the light not of the same colour - of a sadder -colour. Now there is a solemn hush, which we have brought from -home with what is resting in the mould; and while we stand -bareheaded, I hear the voice of the clergyman, sounding remote in -the open air, and yet distinct and plain, saying: 'I am the -Resurrection and the Life, saith the Lord!' Then I hear sobs; and, -standing apart among the lookers-on, I see that good and faithful -servant, whom of all the people upon earth I love the best, and -unto whom my childish heart is certain that the Lord will one day -say: 'Well done.' - -There are many faces that I know, among the little crowd; faces -that I knew in church, when mine was always wondering there; faces -that first saw my mother, when she came to the village in her -youthful bloom. I do not mind them - I mind nothing but my grief -- and yet I see and know them all; and even in the background, far -away, see Minnie looking on, and her eye glancing on her -sweetheart, who is near me. - -It is over, and the earth is filled in, and we turn to come away. -Before us stands our house, so pretty and unchanged, so linked in -my mind with the young idea of what is gone, that all my sorrow has -been nothing to the sorrow it calls forth. But they take me on; -and Mr. Chillip talks to me; and when we get home, puts some water -to my lips; and when I ask his leave to go up to my room, dismisses -me with the gentleness of a woman. - -All this, I say, is yesterday's event. Events of later date have -floated from me to the shore where all forgotten things will -reappear, but this stands like a high rock in the ocean. - -I knew that Peggotty would come to me in my room. The Sabbath -stillness of the time (the day was so like Sunday! I have -forgotten that) was suited to us both. She sat down by my side -upon my little bed; and holding my hand, and sometimes putting it -to her lips, and sometimes smoothing it with hers, as she might -have comforted my little brother, told me, in her way, all that she -had to tell concerning what had happened. - -'She was never well,' said Peggotty, 'for a long time. She was -uncertain in her mind, and not happy. When her baby was born, I -thought at first she would get better, but she was more delicate, -and sunk a little every day. She used to like to sit alone before -her baby came, and then she cried; but afterwards she used to sing -to it - so soft, that I once thought, when I heard her, it was like -a voice up in the air, that was rising away. - -'I think she got to be more timid, and more frightened-like, of -late; and that a hard word was like a blow to her. But she was -always the same to me. She never changed to her foolish Peggotty, -didn't my sweet girl.' - -Here Peggotty stopped, and softly beat upon my hand a little while. - -'The last time that I saw her like her own old self, was the night -when you came home, my dear. The day you went away, she said to -me, "I never shall see my pretty darling again. Something tells me -so, that tells the truth, I know." - -'She tried to hold up after that; and many a time, when they told -her she was thoughtless and light-hearted, made believe to be so; -but it was all a bygone then. She never told her husband what she -had told me - she was afraid of saying it to anybody else - till -one night, a little more than a week before it happened, when she -said to him: "My dear, I think I am dying." - -'"It's off my mind now, Peggotty," she told me, when I laid her in -her bed that night. "He will believe it more and more, poor -fellow, every day for a few days to come; and then it will be past. -I am very tired. If this is sleep, sit by me while I sleep: don't -leave me. God bless both my children! God protect and keep my -fatherless boy!" - -'I never left her afterwards,' said Peggotty. 'She often talked to -them two downstairs - for she loved them; she couldn't bear not to -love anyone who was about her - but when they went away from her -bed-side, she always turned to me, as if there was rest where -Peggotty was, and never fell asleep in any other way. - -'On the last night, in the evening, she kissed me, and said: "If my -baby should die too, Peggotty, please let them lay him in my arms, -and bury us together." (It was done; for the poor lamb lived but -a day beyond her.) "Let my dearest boy go with us to our -resting-place," she said, "and tell him that his mother, when she -lay here, blessed him not once, but a thousand times."' - -Another silence followed this, and another gentle beating on my -hand. - -'It was pretty far in the night,' said Peggotty, 'when she asked me -for some drink; and when she had taken it, gave me such a patient -smile, the dear! - so beautiful! - -'Daybreak had come, and the sun was rising, when she said to me, -how kind and considerate Mr. Copperfield had always been to her, -and how he had borne with her, and told her, when she doubted -herself, that a loving heart was better and stronger than wisdom, -and that he was a happy man in hers. "Peggotty, my dear," she said -then, "put me nearer to you," for she was very weak. "Lay your -good arm underneath my neck," she said, "and turn me to you, for -your face is going far off, and I want it to be near." I put it as -she asked; and oh Davy! the time had come when my first parting -words to you were true - when she was glad to lay her poor head on -her stupid cross old Peggotty's arm - and she died like a child -that had gone to sleep!' - - -Thus ended Peggotty's narration. From the moment of my knowing of -the death of my mother, the idea of her as she had been of late had -vanished from me. I remembered her, from that instant, only as the -young mother of my earliest impressions, who had been used to wind -her bright curls round and round her finger, and to dance with me -at twilight in the parlour. What Peggotty had told me now, was so -far from bringing me back to the later period, that it rooted the -earlier image in my mind. It may be curious, but it is true. In -her death she winged her way back to her calm untroubled youth, and -cancelled all the rest. - -The mother who lay in the grave, was the mother of my infancy; the -little creature in her arms, was myself, as I had once been, hushed -for ever on her bosom. - - - -CHAPTER 10 -I BECOME NEGLECTED, AND AM PROVIDED FOR - - -The first act of business Miss Murdstone performed when the day of -the solemnity was over, and light was freely admitted into the -house, was to give Peggotty a month's warning. Much as Peggotty -would have disliked such a service, I believe she would have -retained it, for my sake, in preference to the best upon earth. -She told me we must part, and told me why; and we condoled with one -another, in all sincerity. - -As to me or my future, not a word was said, or a step taken. Happy -they would have been, I dare say, if they could have dismissed me -at a month's warning too. I mustered courage once, to ask Miss -Murdstone when I was going back to school; and she answered dryly, -she believed I was not going back at all. I was told nothing more. -I was very anxious to know what was going to be done with me, and -so was Peggotty; but neither she nor I could pick up any -information on the subject. - -There was one change in my condition, which, while it relieved me -of a great deal of present uneasiness, might have made me, if I had -been capable of considering it closely, yet more uncomfortable -about the future. It was this. The constraint that had been put -upon me, was quite abandoned. I was so far from being required to -keep my dull post in the parlour, that on several occasions, when -I took my seat there, Miss Murdstone frowned to me to go away. I -was so far from being warned off from Peggotty's society, that, -provided I was not in Mr. Murdstone's, I was never sought out or -inquired for. At first I was in daily dread of his taking my -education in hand again, or of Miss Murdstone's devoting herself to -it; but I soon began to think that such fears were groundless, and -that all I had to anticipate was neglect. - -I do not conceive that this discovery gave me much pain then. I -was still giddy with the shock of my mother's death, and in a kind -of stunned state as to all tributary things. I can recollect, -indeed, to have speculated, at odd times, on the possibility of my -not being taught any more, or cared for any more; and growing up to -be a shabby, moody man, lounging an idle life away, about the -village; as well as on the feasibility of my getting rid of this -picture by going away somewhere, like the hero in a story, to seek -my fortune: but these were transient visions, daydreams I sat -looking at sometimes, as if they were faintly painted or written on -the wall of my room, and which, as they melted away, left the wall -blank again. - -'Peggotty,' I said in a thoughtful whisper, one evening, when I was -warming my hands at the kitchen fire, 'Mr. Murdstone likes me less -than he used to. He never liked me much, Peggotty; but he would -rather not even see me now, if he can help it.' - -'Perhaps it's his sorrow,' said Peggotty, stroking my hair. - -'I am sure, Peggotty, I am sorry too. If I believed it was his -sorrow, I should not think of it at all. But it's not that; oh, -no, it's not that.' - -'How do you know it's not that?' said Peggotty, after a silence. - -'Oh, his sorrow is another and quite a different thing. He is -sorry at this moment, sitting by the fireside with Miss Murdstone; -but if I was to go in, Peggotty, he would be something besides.' - -'What would he be?' said Peggotty. - -'Angry,' I answered, with an involuntary imitation of his dark -frown. 'If he was only sorry, he wouldn't look at me as he does. -I am only sorry, and it makes me feel kinder.' - -Peggotty said nothing for a little while; and I warmed my hands, as -silent as she. - -'Davy,' she said at length. - -'Yes, Peggotty?' -'I have tried, my dear, all ways I could think of - all the ways -there are, and all the ways there ain't, in short - to get a -suitable service here, in Blunderstone; but there's no such a -thing, my love.' - -'And what do you mean to do, Peggotty,' says I, wistfully. 'Do you -mean to go and seek your fortune?' - -'I expect I shall be forced to go to Yarmouth,' replied Peggotty, -'and live there.' - -'You might have gone farther off,' I said, brightening a little, -'and been as bad as lost. I shall see you sometimes, my dear old -Peggotty, there. You won't be quite at the other end of the world, -will you?' - -'Contrary ways, please God!' cried Peggotty, with great animation. -'As long as you are here, my pet, I shall come over every week of -my life to see you. One day, every week of my life!' - -I felt a great weight taken off my mind by this promise: but even -this was not all, for Peggotty went on to say: - -'I'm a-going, Davy, you see, to my brother's, first, for another -fortnight's visit - just till I have had time to look about me, and -get to be something like myself again. Now, I have been thinking -that perhaps, as they don't want you here at present, you might be -let to go along with me.' - -If anything, short of being in a different relation to every one -about me, Peggotty excepted, could have given me a sense of -pleasure at that time, it would have been this project of all -others. The idea of being again surrounded by those honest faces, -shining welcome on me; of renewing the peacefulness of the sweet -Sunday morning, when the bells were ringing, the stones dropping in -the water, and the shadowy ships breaking through the mist; of -roaming up and down with little Em'ly, telling her my troubles, and -finding charms against them in the shells and pebbles on the beach; -made a calm in my heart. It was ruffled next moment, to be sure, -by a doubt of Miss Murdstone's giving her consent; but even that -was set at rest soon, for she came out to take an evening grope in -the store-closet while we were yet in conversation, and Peggotty, -with a boldness that amazed me, broached the topic on the spot. - -'The boy will be idle there,' said Miss Murdstone, looking into a -pickle-jar, 'and idleness is the root of all evil. But, to be -sure, he would be idle here - or anywhere, in my opinion.' - -Peggotty had an angry answer ready, I could see; but she swallowed -it for my sake, and remained silent. - -'Humph!' said Miss Murdstone, still keeping her eye on the pickles; -'it is of more importance than anything else - it is of paramount -importance - that my brother should not be disturbed or made -uncomfortable. I suppose I had better say yes.' - -I thanked her, without making any demonstration of joy, lest it -should induce her to withdraw her assent. Nor could I help -thinking this a prudent course, since she looked at me out of the -pickle-jar, with as great an access of sourness as if her black -eyes had absorbed its contents. However, the permission was given, -and was never retracted; for when the month was out, Peggotty and -I were ready to depart. - -Mr. Barkis came into the house for Peggotty's boxes. I had never -known him to pass the garden-gate before, but on this occasion he -came into the house. And he gave me a look as he shouldered the -largest box and went out, which I thought had meaning in it, if -meaning could ever be said to find its way into Mr. Barkis's -visage. - -Peggotty was naturally in low spirits at leaving what had been her -home so many years, and where the two strong attachments of her -life - for my mother and myself - had been formed. She had been -walking in the churchyard, too, very early; and she got into the -cart, and sat in it with her handkerchief at her eyes. - -So long as she remained in this condition, Mr. Barkis gave no sign -of life whatever. He sat in his usual place and attitude like a -great stuffed figure. But when she began to look about her, and to -speak to me, he nodded his head and grinned several times. I have -not the least notion at whom, or what he meant by it. - -'It's a beautiful day, Mr. Barkis!' I said, as an act of -politeness. - -'It ain't bad,' said Mr. Barkis, who generally qualified his -speech, and rarely committed himself. - -'Peggotty is quite comfortable now, Mr. Barkis,' I remarked, for -his satisfaction. - -'Is she, though?' said Mr. Barkis. - -After reflecting about it, with a sagacious air, Mr. Barkis eyed -her, and said: - -'ARE you pretty comfortable?' - -Peggotty laughed, and answered in the affirmative. - -'But really and truly, you know. Are you?' growled Mr. Barkis, -sliding nearer to her on the seat, and nudging her with his elbow. -'Are you? Really and truly pretty comfortable? Are you? Eh?' - -At each of these inquiries Mr. Barkis shuffled nearer to her, and -gave her another nudge; so that at last we were all crowded -together in the left-hand corner of the cart, and I was so squeezed -that I could hardly bear it. - -Peggotty calling his attention to my sufferings, Mr. Barkis gave me -a little more room at once, and got away by degrees. But I could -not help observing that he seemed to think he had hit upon a -wonderful expedient for expressing himself in a neat, agreeable, -and pointed manner, without the inconvenience of inventing -conversation. He manifestly chuckled over it for some time. By -and by he turned to Peggotty again, and repeating, 'Are you pretty -comfortable though?' bore down upon us as before, until the breath -was nearly edged out of my body. By and by he made another descent -upon us with the same inquiry, and the same result. At length, I -got up whenever I saw him coming, and standing on the foot-board, -pretended to look at the prospect; after which I did very well. - -He was so polite as to stop at a public-house, expressly on our -account, and entertain us with broiled mutton and beer. Even when -Peggotty was in the act of drinking, he was seized with one of -those approaches, and almost choked her. But as we drew nearer to -the end of our journey, he had more to do and less time for -gallantry; and when we got on Yarmouth pavement, we were all too -much shaken and jolted, I apprehend, to have any leisure for -anything else. - -Mr. Peggotty and Ham waited for us at the old place. They received -me and Peggotty in an affectionate manner, and shook hands with Mr. -Barkis, who, with his hat on the very back of his head, and a -shame-faced leer upon his countenance, and pervading his very legs, -presented but a vacant appearance, I thought. They each took one -of Peggotty's trunks, and we were going away, when Mr. Barkis -solemnly made a sign to me with his forefinger to come under an -archway. - -'I say,' growled Mr. Barkis, 'it was all right.' - -I looked up into his face, and answered, with an attempt to be very -profound: 'Oh!' - -'It didn't come to a end there,' said Mr. Barkis, nodding -confidentially. 'It was all right.' - -Again I answered, 'Oh!' - -'You know who was willin',' said my friend. 'It was Barkis, and -Barkis only.' - -I nodded assent. - -'It's all right,' said Mr. Barkis, shaking hands; 'I'm a friend of -your'n. You made it all right, first. It's all right.' - -In his attempts to be particularly lucid, Mr. Barkis was so -extremely mysterious, that I might have stood looking in his face -for an hour, and most assuredly should have got as much information -out of it as out of the face of a clock that had stopped, but for -Peggotty's calling me away. As we were going along, she asked me -what he had said; and I told her he had said it was all right. - -'Like his impudence,' said Peggotty, 'but I don't mind that! Davy -dear, what should you think if I was to think of being married?' - -'Why - I suppose you would like me as much then, Peggotty, as you -do now?' I returned, after a little consideration. - -Greatly to the astonishment of the passengers in the street, as -well as of her relations going on before, the good soul was obliged -to stop and embrace me on the spot, with many protestations of her -unalterable love. - -'Tell me what should you say, darling?' she asked again, when this -was over, and we were walking on. - -'If you were thinking of being married - to Mr. Barkis, Peggotty?' - -'Yes,' said Peggotty. - -'I should think it would be a very good thing. For then you know, -Peggotty, you would always have the horse and cart to bring you -over to see me, and could come for nothing, and be sure of coming.' - -'The sense of the dear!' cried Peggotty. 'What I have been -thinking of, this month back! Yes, my precious; and I think I -should be more independent altogether, you see; let alone my -working with a better heart in my own house, than I could in -anybody else's now. I don't know what I might be fit for, now, as -a servant to a stranger. And I shall be always near my pretty's -resting-place,' said Peggotty, musing, 'and be able to see it when -I like; and when I lie down to rest, I may be laid not far off from -my darling girl!' - -We neither of us said anything for a little while. - -'But I wouldn't so much as give it another thought,' said Peggotty, -cheerily 'if my Davy was anyways against it - not if I had been -asked in church thirty times three times over, and was wearing out -the ring in my pocket.' - -'Look at me, Peggotty,' I replied; 'and see if I am not really -glad, and don't truly wish it!' As indeed I did, with all my -heart. - -'Well, my life,' said Peggotty, giving me a squeeze, 'I have -thought of it night and day, every way I can, and I hope the right -way; but I'll think of it again, and speak to my brother about it, -and in the meantime we'll keep it to ourselves, Davy, you and me. -Barkis is a good plain creature,' said Peggotty, 'and if I tried to -do my duty by him, I think it would be my fault if I wasn't - if I -wasn't pretty comfortable,' said Peggotty, laughing heartily. -This quotation from Mr. Barkis was so appropriate, and tickled us -both so much, that we laughed again and again, and were quite in a -pleasant humour when we came within view of Mr. Peggotty's cottage. - -It looked just the same, except that it may, perhaps, have shrunk -a little in my eyes; and Mrs. Gummidge was waiting at the door as -if she had stood there ever since. All within was the same, down -to the seaweed in the blue mug in my bedroom. I went into the -out-house to look about me; and the very same lobsters, crabs, and -crawfish possessed by the same desire to pinch the world in -general, appeared to be in the same state of conglomeration in the -same old corner. - -But there was no little Em'ly to be seen, so I asked Mr. Peggotty -where she was. - -'She's at school, sir,' said Mr. Peggotty, wiping the heat -consequent on the porterage of Peggotty's box from his forehead; -'she'll be home,' looking at the Dutch clock, 'in from twenty -minutes to half-an-hour's time. We all on us feel the loss of her, -bless ye!' - -Mrs. Gummidge moaned. - -'Cheer up, Mawther!' cried Mr. Peggotty. - -'I feel it more than anybody else,' said Mrs. Gummidge; 'I'm a lone -lorn creetur', and she used to be a'most the only thing that didn't -go contrary with me.' - -Mrs. Gummidge, whimpering and shaking her head, applied herself to -blowing the fire. Mr. Peggotty, looking round upon us while she -was so engaged, said in a low voice, which he shaded with his hand: -'The old 'un!' From this I rightly conjectured that no improvement -had taken place since my last visit in the state of Mrs. Gummidge's -spirits. - -Now, the whole place was, or it should have been, quite as -delightful a place as ever; and yet it did not impress me in the -same way. I felt rather disappointed with it. Perhaps it was -because little Em'ly was not at home. I knew the way by which she -would come, and presently found myself strolling along the path to -meet her. - -A figure appeared in the distance before long, and I soon knew it -to be Em'ly, who was a little creature still in stature, though she -was grown. But when she drew nearer, and I saw her blue eyes -looking bluer, and her dimpled face looking brighter, and her whole -self prettier and gayer, a curious feeling came over me that made -me pretend not to know her, and pass by as if I were looking at -something a long way off. I have done such a thing since in later -life, or I am mistaken. - -Little Em'ly didn't care a bit. She saw me well enough; but -instead of turning round and calling after me, ran away laughing. -This obliged me to run after her, and she ran so fast that we were -very near the cottage before I caught her. - -'Oh, it's you, is it?' said little Em'ly. - -'Why, you knew who it was, Em'ly,' said I. - -'And didn't YOU know who it was?' said Em'ly. I was going to kiss -her, but she covered her cherry lips with her hands, and said she -wasn't a baby now, and ran away, laughing more than ever, into the -house. - -She seemed to delight in teasing me, which was a change in her I -wondered at very much. The tea table was ready, and our little -locker was put out in its old place, but instead of coming to sit -by me, she went and bestowed her company upon that grumbling Mrs. -Gummidge: and on Mr. Peggotty's inquiring why, rumpled her hair all -over her face to hide it, and could do nothing but laugh. - -'A little puss, it is!' said Mr. Peggotty, patting her with his -great hand. - -'So sh' is! so sh' is!' cried Ham. 'Mas'r Davy bor', so sh' is!' -and he sat and chuckled at her for some time, in a state of mingled -admiration and delight, that made his face a burning red. - -Little Em'ly was spoiled by them all, in fact; and by no one more -than Mr. Peggotty himself, whom she could have coaxed into -anything, by only going and laying her cheek against his rough -whisker. That was my opinion, at least, when I saw her do it; and -I held Mr. Peggotty to be thoroughly in the right. But she was so -affectionate and sweet-natured, and had such a pleasant manner of -being both sly and shy at once, that she captivated me more than -ever. - -She was tender-hearted, too; for when, as we sat round the fire -after tea, an allusion was made by Mr. Peggotty over his pipe to -the loss I had sustained, the tears stood in her eyes, and she -looked at me so kindly across the table, that I felt quite thankful -to her. - -'Ah!' said Mr. Peggotty, taking up her curls, and running them over -his hand like water, 'here's another orphan, you see, sir. And -here,' said Mr. Peggotty, giving Ham a backhanded knock in the -chest, 'is another of 'em, though he don't look much like it.' - -'If I had you for my guardian, Mr. Peggotty,' said I, shaking my -head, 'I don't think I should FEEL much like it.' - -'Well said, Mas'r Davy bor'!' cried Ham, in an ecstasy. 'Hoorah! -Well said! Nor more you wouldn't! Hor! Hor!' - Here he returned -Mr. Peggotty's back-hander, and little Em'ly got up and kissed Mr. -Peggotty. 'And how's your friend, sir?' said Mr. Peggotty to me. - -'Steerforth?' said I. - -'That's the name!' cried Mr. Peggotty, turning to Ham. 'I knowed -it was something in our way.' - -'You said it was Rudderford,' observed Ham, laughing. - -'Well!' retorted Mr. Peggotty. 'And ye steer with a rudder, don't -ye? It ain't fur off. How is he, sir?' - -'He was very well indeed when I came away, Mr. Peggotty.' - -'There's a friend!' said Mr. Peggotty, stretching out his pipe. -'There's a friend, if you talk of friends! Why, Lord love my heart -alive, if it ain't a treat to look at him!' - -'He is very handsome, is he not?' said I, my heart warming with -this praise. - -'Handsome!' cried Mr. Peggotty. 'He stands up to you like - like -a - why I don't know what he don't stand up to you like. He's so -bold!' - -'Yes! That's just his character,' said I. 'He's as brave as a -lion, and you can't think how frank he is, Mr. Peggotty.' - -'And I do suppose, now,' said Mr. Peggotty, looking at me through -the smoke of his pipe, 'that in the way of book-larning he'd take -the wind out of a'most anything.' - -'Yes,' said I, delighted; 'he knows everything. He is -astonishingly clever.' - -'There's a friend!' murmured Mr. Peggotty, with a grave toss of his -head. - -'Nothing seems to cost him any trouble,' said I. 'He knows a task -if he only looks at it. He is the best cricketer you ever saw. He -will give you almost as many men as you like at draughts, and beat -you easily.' - -Mr. Peggotty gave his head another toss, as much as to say: 'Of -course he will.' - -'He is such a speaker,' I pursued, 'that he can win anybody over; -and I don't know what you'd say if you were to hear him sing, Mr. -Peggotty.' - -Mr. Peggotty gave his head another toss, as much as to say: 'I have -no doubt of it.' - -'Then, he's such a generous, fine, noble fellow,' said I, quite -carried away by my favourite theme, 'that it's hardly possible to -give him as much praise as he deserves. I am sure I can never feel -thankful enough for the generosity with which he has protected me, -so much younger and lower in the school than himself.' - -I was running on, very fast indeed, when my eyes rested on little -Em'ly's face, which was bent forward over the table, listening with -the deepest attention, her breath held, her blue eyes sparkling -like jewels, and the colour mantling in her cheeks. She looked so -extraordinarily earnest and pretty, that I stopped in a sort of -wonder; and they all observed her at the same time, for as I -stopped, they laughed and looked at her. - -'Em'ly is like me,' said Peggotty, 'and would like to see him.' - -Em'ly was confused by our all observing her, and hung down her -head, and her face was covered with blushes. Glancing up presently -through her stray curls, and seeing that we were all looking at her -still (I am sure I, for one, could have looked at her for hours), -she ran away, and kept away till it was nearly bedtime. - -I lay down in the old little bed in the stern of the boat, and the -wind came moaning on across the flat as it had done before. But I -could not help fancying, now, that it moaned of those who were -gone; and instead of thinking that the sea might rise in the night -and float the boat away, I thought of the sea that had risen, since -I last heard those sounds, and drowned my happy home. I recollect, -as the wind and water began to sound fainter in my ears, putting a -short clause into my prayers, petitioning that I might grow up to -marry little Em'ly, and so dropping lovingly asleep. - -The days passed pretty much as they had passed before, except - it -was a great exception- that little Em'ly and I seldom wandered on -the beach now. She had tasks to learn, and needle-work to do; and -was absent during a great part of each day. But I felt that we -should not have had those old wanderings, even if it had been -otherwise. Wild and full of childish whims as Em'ly was, she was -more of a little woman than I had supposed. She seemed to have got -a great distance away from me, in little more than a year. She -liked me, but she laughed at me, and tormented me; and when I went -to meet her, stole home another way, and was laughing at the door -when I came back, disappointed. The best times were when she sat -quietly at work in the doorway, and I sat on the wooden step at her -feet, reading to her. It seems to me, at this hour, that I have -never seen such sunlight as on those bright April afternoons; that -I have never seen such a sunny little figure as I used to see, -sitting in the doorway of the old boat; that I have never beheld -such sky, such water, such glorified ships sailing away into golden -air. - -On the very first evening after our arrival, Mr. Barkis appeared in -an exceedingly vacant and awkward condition, and with a bundle of -oranges tied up in a handkerchief. As he made no allusion of any -kind to this property, he was supposed to have left it behind him -by accident when he went away; until Ham, running after him to -restore it, came back with the information that it was intended for -Peggotty. After that occasion he appeared every evening at exactly -the same hour, and always with a little bundle, to which he never -alluded, and which he regularly put behind the door and left there. -These offerings of affection were of a most various and eccentric -description. Among them I remember a double set of pigs' trotters, -a huge pin-cushion, half a bushel or so of apples, a pair of jet -earrings, some Spanish onions, a box of dominoes, a canary bird and -cage, and a leg of pickled pork. - -Mr. Barkis's wooing, as I remember it, was altogether of a peculiar -kind. He very seldom said anything; but would sit by the fire in -much the same attitude as he sat in his cart, and stare heavily at -Peggotty, who was opposite. One night, being, as I suppose, -inspired by love, he made a dart at the bit of wax-candle she kept -for her thread, and put it in his waistcoat-pocket and carried it -off. After that, his great delight was to produce it when it was -wanted, sticking to the lining of his pocket, in a partially melted -state, and pocket it again when it was done with. He seemed to -enjoy himself very much, and not to feel at all called upon to -talk. Even when he took Peggotty out for a walk on the flats, he -had no uneasiness on that head, I believe; contenting himself with -now and then asking her if she was pretty comfortable; and I -remember that sometimes, after he was gone, Peggotty would throw -her apron over her face, and laugh for half-an-hour. Indeed, we -were all more or less amused, except that miserable Mrs. Gummidge, -whose courtship would appear to have been of an exactly parallel -nature, she was so continually reminded by these transactions of -the old one. - -At length, when the term of my visit was nearly expired, it was -given out that Peggotty and Mr. Barkis were going to make a day's -holiday together, and that little Em'ly and I were to accompany -them. I had but a broken sleep the night before, in anticipation -of the pleasure of a whole day with Em'ly. We were all astir -betimes in the morning; and while we were yet at breakfast, Mr. -Barkis appeared in the distance, driving a chaise-cart towards the -object of his affections. - -Peggotty was dressed as usual, in her neat and quiet mourning; but -Mr. Barkis bloomed in a new blue coat, of which the tailor had -given him such good measure, that the cuffs would have rendered -gloves unnecessary in the coldest weather, while the collar was so -high that it pushed his hair up on end on the top of his head. His -bright buttons, too, were of the largest size. Rendered complete -by drab pantaloons and a buff waistcoat, I thought Mr. Barkis a -phenomenon of respectability. - -When we were all in a bustle outside the door, I found that Mr. -Peggotty was prepared with an old shoe, which was to be thrown -after us for luck, and which he offered to Mrs. Gummidge for that -purpose. - -'No. It had better be done by somebody else, Dan'l,' said Mrs. -Gummidge. 'I'm a lone lorn creetur' myself, and everythink that -reminds me of creetur's that ain't lone and lorn, goes contrary -with me.' - -'Come, old gal!' cried Mr. Peggotty. 'Take and heave it.' - -'No, Dan'l,' returned Mrs. Gummidge, whimpering and shaking her -head. 'If I felt less, I could do more. You don't feel like me, -Dan'l; thinks don't go contrary with you, nor you with them; you -had better do it yourself.' - -But here Peggotty, who had been going about from one to another in -a hurried way, kissing everybody, called out from the cart, in -which we all were by this time (Em'ly and I on two little chairs, -side by side), that Mrs. Gummidge must do it. So Mrs. Gummidge did -it; and, I am sorry to relate, cast a damp upon the festive -character of our departure, by immediately bursting into tears, and -sinking subdued into the arms of Ham, with the declaration that she -knowed she was a burden, and had better be carried to the House at -once. Which I really thought was a sensible idea, that Ham might -have acted on. - -Away we went, however, on our holiday excursion; and the first -thing we did was to stop at a church, where Mr. Barkis tied the -horse to some rails, and went in with Peggotty, leaving little -Em'ly and me alone in the chaise. I took that occasion to put my -arm round Em'ly's waist, and propose that as I was going away so -very soon now, we should determine to be very affectionate to one -another, and very happy, all day. Little Em'ly consenting, and -allowing me to kiss her, I became desperate; informing her, I -recollect, that I never could love another, and that I was prepared -to shed the blood of anybody who should aspire to her affections. - -How merry little Em'ly made herself about it! With what a demure -assumption of being immensely older and wiser than I, the fairy -little woman said I was 'a silly boy'; and then laughed so -charmingly that I forgot the pain of being called by that -disparaging name, in the pleasure of looking at her. - -Mr. Barkis and Peggotty were a good while in the church, but came -out at last, and then we drove away into the country. As we were -going along, Mr. Barkis turned to me, and said, with a wink, - by -the by, I should hardly have thought, before, that he could wink: - -'What name was it as I wrote up in the cart?' - -'Clara Peggotty,' I answered. - -'What name would it be as I should write up now, if there was a -tilt here?' - -'Clara Peggotty, again?' I suggested. - -'Clara Peggotty BARKIS!' he returned, and burst into a roar of -laughter that shook the chaise. - -In a word, they were married, and had gone into the church for no -other purpose. Peggotty was resolved that it should be quietly -done; and the clerk had given her away, and there had been no -witnesses of the ceremony. She was a little confused when Mr. -Barkis made this abrupt announcement of their union, and could not -hug me enough in token of her unimpaired affection; but she soon -became herself again, and said she was very glad it was over. - -We drove to a little inn in a by-road, where we were expected, and -where we had a very comfortable dinner, and passed the day with -great satisfaction. If Peggotty had been married every day for the -last ten years, she could hardly have been more at her ease about -it; it made no sort of difference in her: she was just the same as -ever, and went out for a stroll with little Em'ly and me before -tea, while Mr. Barkis philosophically smoked his pipe, and enjoyed -himself, I suppose, with the contemplation of his happiness. If -so, it sharpened his appetite; for I distinctly call to mind that, -although he had eaten a good deal of pork and greens at dinner, and -had finished off with a fowl or two, he was obliged to have cold -boiled bacon for tea, and disposed of a large quantity without any -emotion. - -I have often thought, since, what an odd, innocent, out-of-the-way -kind of wedding it must have been! We got into the chaise again -soon after dark, and drove cosily back, looking up at the stars, -and talking about them. I was their chief exponent, and opened Mr. -Barkis's mind to an amazing extent. I told him all I knew, but he -would have believed anything I might have taken it into my head to -impart to him; for he had a profound veneration for my abilities, -and informed his wife in my hearing, on that very occasion, that I -was 'a young Roeshus' - by which I think he meant prodigy. - -When we had exhausted the subject of the stars, or rather when I -had exhausted the mental faculties of Mr. Barkis, little Em'ly and -I made a cloak of an old wrapper, and sat under it for the rest of -the journey. Ah, how I loved her! What happiness (I thought) if -we were married, and were going away anywhere to live among the -trees and in the fields, never growing older, never growing wiser, -children ever, rambling hand in hand through sunshine and among -flowery meadows, laying down our heads on moss at night, in a sweet -sleep of purity and peace, and buried by the birds when we were -dead! Some such picture, with no real world in it, bright with the -light of our innocence, and vague as the stars afar off, was in my -mind all the way. I am glad to think there were two such guileless -hearts at Peggotty's marriage as little Em'ly's and mine. I am -glad to think the Loves and Graces took such airy forms in its -homely procession. - -Well, we came to the old boat again in good time at night; and -there Mr. and Mrs. Barkis bade us good-bye, and drove away snugly -to their own home. I felt then, for the first time, that I had -lost Peggotty. I should have gone to bed with a sore heart indeed -under any other roof but that which sheltered little Em'ly's head. - -Mr. Peggotty and Ham knew what was in my thoughts as well as I did, -and were ready with some supper and their hospitable faces to drive -it away. Little Em'ly came and sat beside me on the locker for the -only time in all that visit; and it was altogether a wonderful -close to a wonderful day. - -It was a night tide; and soon after we went to bed, Mr. Peggotty -and Ham went out to fish. I felt very brave at being left alone in -the solitary house, the protector of Em'ly and Mrs. Gummidge, and -only wished that a lion or a serpent, or any ill-disposed monster, -would make an attack upon us, that I might destroy him, and cover -myself with glory. But as nothing of the sort happened to be -walking about on Yarmouth flats that night, I provided the best -substitute I could by dreaming of dragons until morning. - -With morning came Peggotty; who called to me, as usual, under my -window as if Mr. Barkis the carrier had been from first to last a -dream too. After breakfast she took me to her own home, and a -beautiful little home it was. Of all the moveables in it, I must -have been impressed by a certain old bureau of some dark wood in -the parlour (the tile-floored kitchen was the general -sitting-room), with a retreating top which opened, let down, and -became a desk, within which was a large quarto edition of Foxe's -Book of Martyrs. This precious volume, of which I do not recollect -one word, I immediately discovered and immediately applied myself -to; and I never visited the house afterwards, but I kneeled on a -chair, opened the casket where this gem was enshrined, spread my -arms over the desk, and fell to devouring the book afresh. I was -chiefly edified, I am afraid, by the pictures, which were numerous, -and represented all kinds of dismal horrors; but the Martyrs and -Peggotty's house have been inseparable in my mind ever since, and -are now. - -I took leave of Mr. Peggotty, and Ham, and Mrs. Gummidge, and -little Em'ly, that day; and passed the night at Peggotty's, in a -little room in the roof (with the Crocodile Book on a shelf by the -bed's head) which was to be always mine, Peggotty said, and should -always be kept for me in exactly the same state. - -'Young or old, Davy dear, as long as I am alive and have this house -over my head,' said Peggotty, 'you shall find it as if I expected -you here directly minute. I shall keep it every day, as I used to -keep your old little room, my darling; and if you was to go to -China, you might think of it as being kept just the same, all the -time you were away.' - -I felt the truth and constancy of my dear old nurse, with all my -heart, and thanked her as well as I could. That was not very well, -for she spoke to me thus, with her arms round my neck, in the -morning, and I was going home in the morning, and I went home in -the morning, with herself and Mr. Barkis in the cart. They left me -at the gate, not easily or lightly; and it was a strange sight to -me to see the cart go on, taking Peggotty away, and leaving me -under the old elm-trees looking at the house, in which there was no -face to look on mine with love or liking any more. - -And now I fell into a state of neglect, which I cannot look back -upon without compassion. I fell at once into a solitary condition, -- apart from all friendly notice, apart from the society of all -other boys of my own age, apart from all companionship but my own -spiritless thoughts, - which seems to cast its gloom upon this -paper as I write. - -What would I have given, to have been sent to the hardest school -that ever was kept! - to have been taught something, anyhow, -anywhere! No such hope dawned upon me. They disliked me; and they -sullenly, sternly, steadily, overlooked me. I think Mr. -Murdstone's means were straitened at about this time; but it is -little to the purpose. He could not bear me; and in putting me -from him he tried, as I believe, to put away the notion that I had -any claim upon him - and succeeded. - -I was not actively ill-used. I was not beaten, or starved; but the -wrong that was done to me had no intervals of relenting, and was -done in a systematic, passionless manner. Day after day, week -after week, month after month, I was coldly neglected. I wonder -sometimes, when I think of it, what they would have done if I had -been taken with an illness; whether I should have lain down in my -lonely room, and languished through it in my usual solitary way, or -whether anybody would have helped me out. - -When Mr. and Miss Murdstone were at home, I took my meals with -them; in their absence, I ate and drank by myself. At all times I -lounged about the house and neighbourhood quite disregarded, except -that they were jealous of my making any friends: thinking, perhaps, -that if I did, I might complain to someone. For this reason, -though Mr. Chillip often asked me to go and see him (he was a -widower, having, some years before that, lost a little small -light-haired wife, whom I can just remember connecting in my own -thoughts with a pale tortoise-shell cat), it was but seldom that I -enjoyed the happiness of passing an afternoon in his closet of a -surgery; reading some book that was new to me, with the smell of -the whole Pharmacopoeia coming up my nose, or pounding something in -a mortar under his mild directions. - -For the same reason, added no doubt to the old dislike of her, I -was seldom allowed to visit Peggotty. Faithful to her promise, she -either came to see me, or met me somewhere near, once every week, -and never empty-handed; but many and bitter were the -disappointments I had, in being refused permission to pay a visit -to her at her house. Some few times, however, at long intervals, -I was allowed to go there; and then I found out that Mr. Barkis was -something of a miser, or as Peggotty dutifully expressed it, was 'a -little near', and kept a heap of money in a box under his bed, -which he pretended was only full of coats and trousers. In this -coffer, his riches hid themselves with such a tenacious modesty, -that the smallest instalments could only be tempted out by -artifice; so that Peggotty had to prepare a long and elaborate -scheme, a very Gunpowder Plot, for every Saturday's expenses. - -All this time I was so conscious of the waste of any promise I had -given, and of my being utterly neglected, that I should have been -perfectly miserable, I have no doubt, but for the old books. They -were my only comfort; and I was as true to them as they were to me, -and read them over and over I don't know how many times more. - -I now approach a period of my life, which I can never lose the -remembrance of, while I remember anything: and the recollection of -which has often, without my invocation, come before me like a -ghost, and haunted happier times. - -I had been out, one day, loitering somewhere, in the listless, -meditative manner that my way of life engendered, when, turning the -corner of a lane near our house, I came upon Mr. Murdstone walking -with a gentleman. I was confused, and was going by them, when the -gentleman cried: - -'What! Brooks!' - -'No, sir, David Copperfield,' I said. - -'Don't tell me. You are Brooks,' said the gentleman. 'You are -Brooks of Sheffield. That's your name.' - -At these words, I observed the gentleman more attentively. His -laugh coming to my remembrance too, I knew him to be Mr. Quinion, -whom I had gone over to Lowestoft with Mr. Murdstone to see, before -- it is no matter - I need not recall when. - -'And how do you get on, and where are you being educated, Brooks?' -said Mr. Quinion. - -He had put his hand upon my shoulder, and turned me about, to walk -with them. I did not know what to reply, and glanced dubiously at -Mr. Murdstone. - -'He is at home at present,' said the latter. 'He is not being -educated anywhere. I don't know what to do with him. He is a -difficult subject.' - -That old, double look was on me for a moment; and then his eyes -darkened with a frown, as it turned, in its aversion, elsewhere. - -'Humph!' said Mr. Quinion, looking at us both, I thought. 'Fine -weather!' - -Silence ensued, and I was considering how I could best disengage my -shoulder from his hand, and go away, when he said: - -'I suppose you are a pretty sharp fellow still? Eh, Brooks?' - -'Aye! He is sharp enough,' said Mr. Murdstone, impatiently. 'You -had better let him go. He will not thank you for troubling him.' - -On this hint, Mr. Quinion released me, and I made the best of my -way home. Looking back as I turned into the front garden, I saw -Mr. Murdstone leaning against the wicket of the churchyard, and Mr. -Quinion talking to him. They were both looking after me, and I -felt that they were speaking of me. - -Mr. Quinion lay at our house that night. After breakfast, the next -morning, I had put my chair away, and was going out of the room, -when Mr. Murdstone called me back. He then gravely repaired to -another table, where his sister sat herself at her desk. Mr. -Quinion, with his hands in his pockets, stood looking out of -window; and I stood looking at them all. - -'David,' said Mr. Murdstone, 'to the young this is a world for -action; not for moping and droning in.' - -- 'As you do,' added his sister. - -'Jane Murdstone, leave it to me, if you please. I say, David, to -the young this is a world for action, and not for moping and -droning in. It is especially so for a young boy of your -disposition, which requires a great deal of correcting; and to -which no greater service can be done than to force it to conform to -the ways of the working world, and to bend it and break it.' - -'For stubbornness won't do here,' said his sister 'What it wants -is, to be crushed. And crushed it must be. Shall be, too!' - -He gave her a look, half in remonstrance, half in approval, and -went on: - -'I suppose you know, David, that I am not rich. At any rate, you -know it now. You have received some considerable education -already. Education is costly; and even if it were not, and I could -afford it, I am of opinion that it would not be at all advantageous -to you to be kept at school. What is before you, is a fight with -the world; and the sooner you begin it, the better.' - -I think it occurred to me that I had already begun it, in my poor -way: but it occurs to me now, whether or no. - -'You have heard the "counting-house" mentioned sometimes,' said Mr. -Murdstone. - -'The counting-house, sir?' I repeated. -'Of Murdstone and Grinby, in the wine trade,' he replied. - -I suppose I looked uncertain, for he went on hastily: - -'You have heard the "counting-house" mentioned, or the business, or -the cellars, or the wharf, or something about it.' - -'I think I have heard the business mentioned, sir,' I said, -remembering what I vaguely knew of his and his sister's resources. -'But I don't know when.' - -'It does not matter when,' he returned. 'Mr. Quinion manages that -business.' - -I glanced at the latter deferentially as he stood looking out of -window. - -'Mr. Quinion suggests that it gives employment to some other boys, -and that he sees no reason why it shouldn't, on the same terms, -give employment to you.' - -'He having,' Mr. Quinion observed in a low voice, and half turning -round, 'no other prospect, Murdstone.' - -Mr. Murdstone, with an impatient, even an angry gesture, resumed, -without noticing what he had said: - -'Those terms are, that you will earn enough for yourself to provide -for your eating and drinking, and pocket-money. Your lodging -(which I have arranged for) will be paid by me. So will your -washing -' - -'- Which will be kept down to my estimate,' said his sister. - -'Your clothes will be looked after for you, too,' said Mr. -Murdstone; 'as you will not be able, yet awhile, to get them for -yourself. So you are now going to London, David, with Mr. Quinion, -to begin the world on your own account.' - -'In short, you are provided for,' observed his sister; 'and will -please to do your duty.' - -Though I quite understood that the purpose of this announcement was -to get rid of me, I have no distinct remembrance whether it pleased -or frightened me. My impression is, that I was in a state of -confusion about it, and, oscillating between the two points, -touched neither. Nor had I much time for the clearing of my -thoughts, as Mr. Quinion was to go upon the morrow. - -Behold me, on the morrow, in a much-worn little white hat, with a -black crape round it for my mother, a black jacket, and a pair of -hard, stiff corduroy trousers - which Miss Murdstone considered the -best armour for the legs in that fight with the world which was now -to come off. Behold me so attired, and with my little worldly all -before me in a small trunk, sitting, a lone lorn child (as Mrs. -Gummidge might have said), in the post-chaise that was carrying Mr. -Quinion to the London coach at Yarmouth! See, how our house and -church are lessening in the distance; how the grave beneath the -tree is blotted out by intervening objects; how the spire points -upwards from my old playground no more, and the sky is empty! - - - -CHAPTER 11 -I BEGIN LIFE ON MY OWN ACCOUNT, AND DON'T LIKE IT - - -I know enough of the world now, to have almost lost the capacity of -being much surprised by anything; but it is matter of some surprise -to me, even now, that I can have been so easily thrown away at such -an age. A child of excellent abilities, and with strong powers of -observation, quick, eager, delicate, and soon hurt bodily or -mentally, it seems wonderful to me that nobody should have made any -sign in my behalf. But none was made; and I became, at ten years -old, a little labouring hind in the service of Murdstone and -Grinby. - -Murdstone and Grinby's warehouse was at the waterside. It was down -in Blackfriars. Modern improvements have altered the place; but it -was the last house at the bottom of a narrow street, curving down -hill to the river, with some stairs at the end, where people took -boat. It was a crazy old house with a wharf of its own, abutting -on the water when the tide was in, and on the mud when the tide was -out, and literally overrun with rats. Its panelled rooms, -discoloured with the dirt and smoke of a hundred years, I dare say; -its decaying floors and staircase; the squeaking and scuffling of -the old grey rats down in the cellars; and the dirt and rottenness -of the place; are things, not of many years ago, in my mind, but of -the present instant. They are all before me, just as they were in -the evil hour when I went among them for the first time, with my -trembling hand in Mr. Quinion's. - -Murdstone and Grinby's trade was among a good many kinds of people, -but an important branch of it was the supply of wines and spirits -to certain packet ships. I forget now where they chiefly went, but -I think there were some among them that made voyages both to the -East and West Indies. I know that a great many empty bottles were -one of the consequences of this traffic, and that certain men and -boys were employed to examine them against the light, and reject -those that were flawed, and to rinse and wash them. When the empty -bottles ran short, there were labels to be pasted on full ones, or -corks to be fitted to them, or seals to be put upon the corks, or -finished bottles to be packed in casks. All this work was my work, -and of the boys employed upon it I was one. - -There were three or four of us, counting me. My working place was -established in a corner of the warehouse, where Mr. Quinion could -see me, when he chose to stand up on the bottom rail of his stool -in the counting-house, and look at me through a window above the -desk. Hither, on the first morning of my so auspiciously beginning -life on my own account, the oldest of the regular boys was summoned -to show me my business. His name was Mick Walker, and he wore a -ragged apron and a paper cap. He informed me that his father was -a bargeman, and walked, in a black velvet head-dress, in the Lord -Mayor's Show. He also informed me that our principal associate -would be another boy whom he introduced by the - to me - -extraordinary name of Mealy Potatoes. I discovered, however, that -this youth had not been christened by that name, but that it had -been bestowed upon him in the warehouse, on account of his -complexion, which was pale or mealy. Mealy's father was a -waterman, who had the additional distinction of being a fireman, -and was engaged as such at one of the large theatres; where some -young relation of Mealy's - I think his little sister - did Imps in -the Pantomimes. - -No words can express the secret agony of my soul as I sunk into -this companionship; compared these henceforth everyday associates -with those of my happier childhood - not to say with Steerforth, -Traddles, and the rest of those boys; and felt my hopes of growing -up to be a learned and distinguished man, crushed in my bosom. The -deep remembrance of the sense I had, of being utterly without hope -now; of the shame I felt in my position; of the misery it was to my -young heart to believe that day by day what I had learned, and -thought, and delighted in, and raised my fancy and my emulation up -by, would pass away from me, little by little, never to be brought -back any more; cannot be written. As often as Mick Walker went -away in the course of that forenoon, I mingled my tears with the -water in which I was washing the bottles; and sobbed as if there -were a flaw in my own breast, and it were in danger of bursting. - -The counting-house clock was at half past twelve, and there was -general preparation for going to dinner, when Mr. Quinion tapped at -the counting-house window, and beckoned to me to go in. I went in, -and found there a stoutish, middle-aged person, in a brown surtout -and black tights and shoes, with no more hair upon his head (which -was a large one, and very shining) than there is upon an egg, and -with a very extensive face, which he turned full upon me. His -clothes were shabby, but he had an imposing shirt-collar on. He -carried a jaunty sort of a stick, with a large pair of rusty -tassels to it; and a quizzing-glass hung outside his coat, - for -ornament, I afterwards found, as he very seldom looked through it, -and couldn't see anything when he did. - -'This,' said Mr. Quinion, in allusion to myself, 'is he.' - -'This,' said the stranger, with a certain condescending roll in his -voice, and a certain indescribable air of doing something genteel, -which impressed me very much, 'is Master Copperfield. I hope I see -you well, sir?' - -I said I was very well, and hoped he was. I was sufficiently ill -at ease, Heaven knows; but it was not in my nature to complain much -at that time of my life, so I said I was very well, and hoped he -was. - -'I am,' said the stranger, 'thank Heaven, quite well. I have -received a letter from Mr. Murdstone, in which he mentions that he -would desire me to receive into an apartment in the rear of my -house, which is at present unoccupied - and is, in short, to be let -as a - in short,' said the stranger, with a smile and in a burst of -confidence, 'as a bedroom - the young beginner whom I have now the -pleasure to -' and the stranger waved his hand, and settled his -chin in his shirt-collar. - -'This is Mr. Micawber,' said Mr. Quinion to me. - -'Ahem!' said the stranger, 'that is my name.' - -'Mr. Micawber,' said Mr. Quinion, 'is known to Mr. Murdstone. He -takes orders for us on commission, when he can get any. He has -been written to by Mr. Murdstone, on the subject of your lodgings, -and he will receive you as a lodger.' - -'My address,' said Mr. Micawber, 'is Windsor Terrace, City Road. -I - in short,' said Mr. Micawber, with the same genteel air, and in -another burst of confidence - 'I live there.' - -I made him a bow. - -'Under the impression,' said Mr. Micawber, 'that your -peregrinations in this metropolis have not as yet been extensive, -and that you might have some difficulty in penetrating the arcana -of the Modern Babylon in the direction of the City Road, - in -short,' said Mr. Micawber, in another burst of confidence, 'that -you might lose yourself - I shall be happy to call this evening, -and install you in the knowledge of the nearest way.' - -I thanked him with all my heart, for it was friendly in him to -offer to take that trouble. - -'At what hour,' said Mr. Micawber, 'shall I -' - -'At about eight,' said Mr. Quinion. - -'At about eight,' said Mr. Micawber. 'I beg to wish you good day, -Mr. Quinion. I will intrude no longer.' - -So he put on his hat, and went out with his cane under his arm: -very upright, and humming a tune when he was clear of the -counting-house. - -Mr. Quinion then formally engaged me to be as useful as I could in -the warehouse of Murdstone and Grinby, at a salary, I think, of six -shillings a week. I am not clear whether it was six or seven. I -am inclined to believe, from my uncertainty on this head, that it -was six at first and seven afterwards. He paid me a week down -(from his own pocket, I believe), and I gave Mealy sixpence out of -it to get my trunk carried to Windsor Terrace that night: it being -too heavy for my strength, small as it was. I paid sixpence more -for my dinner, which was a meat pie and a turn at a neighbouring -pump; and passed the hour which was allowed for that meal, in -walking about the streets. - -At the appointed time in the evening, Mr. Micawber reappeared. I -washed my hands and face, to do the greater honour to his -gentility, and we walked to our house, as I suppose I must now call -it, together; Mr. Micawber impressing the name of streets, and the -shapes of corner houses upon me, as we went along, that I might -find my way back, easily, in the morning. - -Arrived at this house in Windsor Terrace (which I noticed was -shabby like himself, but also, like himself, made all the show it -could), he presented me to Mrs. Micawber, a thin and faded lady, -not at all young, who was sitting in the parlour (the first floor -was altogether unfurnished, and the blinds were kept down to delude -the neighbours), with a baby at her breast. This baby was one of -twins; and I may remark here that I hardly ever, in all my -experience of the family, saw both the twins detached from Mrs. -Micawber at the same time. One of them was always taking -refreshment. - -There were two other children; Master Micawber, aged about four, -and Miss Micawber, aged about three. These, and a -dark-complexioned young woman, with a habit of snorting, who was -servant to the family, and informed me, before half an hour had -expired, that she was 'a Orfling', and came from St. Luke's -workhouse, in the neighbourhood, completed the establishment. My -room was at the top of the house, at the back: a close chamber; -stencilled all over with an ornament which my young imagination -represented as a blue muffin; and very scantily furnished. - -'I never thought,' said Mrs. Micawber, when she came up, twin and -all, to show me the apartment, and sat down to take breath, 'before -I was married, when I lived with papa and mama, that I should ever -find it necessary to take a lodger. But Mr. Micawber being in -difficulties, all considerations of private feeling must give way.' - -I said: 'Yes, ma'am.' - -'Mr. Micawber's difficulties are almost overwhelming just at -present,' said Mrs. Micawber; 'and whether it is possible to bring -him through them, I don't know. When I lived at home with papa and -mama, I really should have hardly understood what the word meant, -in the sense in which I now employ it, but experientia does it, - -as papa used to say.' - -I cannot satisfy myself whether she told me that Mr. Micawber had -been an officer in the Marines, or whether I have imagined it. I -only know that I believe to this hour that he WAS in the Marines -once upon a time, without knowing why. He was a sort of town -traveller for a number of miscellaneous houses, now; but made -little or nothing of it, I am afraid. - -'If Mr. Micawber's creditors will not give him time,' said Mrs. -Micawber, 'they must take the consequences; and the sooner they -bring it to an issue the better. Blood cannot be obtained from a -stone, neither can anything on account be obtained at present (not -to mention law expenses) from Mr. Micawber.' - -I never can quite understand whether my precocious self-dependence -confused Mrs. Micawber in reference to my age, or whether she was -so full of the subject that she would have talked about it to the -very twins if there had been nobody else to communicate with, but -this was the strain in which she began, and she went on accordingly -all the time I knew her. - -Poor Mrs. Micawber! She said she had tried to exert herself, and -so, I have no doubt, she had. The centre of the street door was -perfectly covered with a great brass-plate, on which was engraved -'Mrs. Micawber's Boarding Establishment for Young Ladies': but I -never found that any young lady had ever been to school there; or -that any young lady ever came, or proposed to come; or that the -least preparation was ever made to receive any young lady. The -only visitors I ever saw, or heard of, were creditors. THEY used -to come at all hours, and some of them were quite ferocious. One -dirty-faced man, I think he was a boot-maker, used to edge himself -into the passage as early as seven o'clock in the morning, and call -up the stairs to Mr. Micawber - 'Come! You ain't out yet, you -know. Pay us, will you? Don't hide, you know; that's mean. I -wouldn't be mean if I was you. Pay us, will you? You just pay us, -d'ye hear? Come!' Receiving no answer to these taunts, he would -mount in his wrath to the words 'swindlers' and 'robbers'; and -these being ineffectual too, would sometimes go to the extremity of -crossing the street, and roaring up at the windows of the second -floor, where he knew Mr. Micawber was. At these times, Mr. -Micawber would be transported with grief and mortification, even to -the length (as I was once made aware by a scream from his wife) of -making motions at himself with a razor; but within half-an-hour -afterwards, he would polish up his shoes with extraordinary pains, -and go out, humming a tune with a greater air of gentility than -ever. Mrs. Micawber was quite as elastic. I have known her to be -thrown into fainting fits by the king's taxes at three o'clock, and -to eat lamb chops, breaded, and drink warm ale (paid for with two -tea-spoons that had gone to the pawnbroker's) at four. On one -occasion, when an execution had just been put in, coming home -through some chance as early as six o'clock, I saw her lying (of -course with a twin) under the grate in a swoon, with her hair all -torn about her face; but I never knew her more cheerful than she -was, that very same night, over a veal cutlet before the kitchen -fire, telling me stories about her papa and mama, and the company -they used to keep. - -In this house, and with this family, I passed my leisure time. My -own exclusive breakfast of a penny loaf and a pennyworth of milk, -I provided myself. I kept another small loaf, and a modicum of -cheese, on a particular shelf of a particular cupboard, to make my -supper on when I came back at night. This made a hole in the six -or seven shillings, I know well; and I was out at the warehouse all -day, and had to support myself on that money all the week. From -Monday morning until Saturday night, I had no advice, no counsel, -no encouragement, no consolation, no assistance, no support, of any -kind, from anyone, that I can call to mind, as I hope to go to -heaven! - -I was so young and childish, and so little qualified - how could I -be otherwise? - to undertake the whole charge of my own existence, -that often, in going to Murdstone and Grinby's, of a morning, I -could not resist the stale pastry put out for sale at half-price at -the pastrycooks' doors, and spent in that the money I should have -kept for my dinner. Then, I went without my dinner, or bought a -roll or a slice of pudding. I remember two pudding shops, between -which I was divided, according to my finances. One was in a court -close to St. Martin's Church - at the back of the church, - which -is now removed altogether. The pudding at that shop was made of -currants, and was rather a special pudding, but was dear, -twopennyworth not being larger than a pennyworth of more ordinary -pudding. A good shop for the latter was in the Strand - somewhere -in that part which has been rebuilt since. It was a stout pale -pudding, heavy and flabby, and with great flat raisins in it, stuck -in whole at wide distances apart. It came up hot at about my time -every day, and many a day did I dine off it. When I dined -regularly and handsomely, I had a saveloy and a penny loaf, or a -fourpenny plate of red beef from a cook's shop; or a plate of bread -and cheese and a glass of beer, from a miserable old public-house -opposite our place of business, called the Lion, or the Lion and -something else that I have forgotten. Once, I remember carrying my -own bread (which I had brought from home in the morning) under my -arm, wrapped in a piece of paper, like a book, and going to a -famous alamode beef-house near Drury Lane, and ordering a 'small -plate' of that delicacy to eat with it. What the waiter thought of -such a strange little apparition coming in all alone, I don't know; -but I can see him now, staring at me as I ate my dinner, and -bringing up the other waiter to look. I gave him a halfpenny for -himself, and I wish he hadn't taken it. - -We had half-an-hour, I think, for tea. When I had money enough, I -used to get half-a-pint of ready-made coffee and a slice of bread -and butter. When I had none, I used to look at a venison shop in -Fleet Street; or I have strolled, at such a time, as far as Covent -Garden Market, and stared at the pineapples. I was fond of -wandering about the Adelphi, because it was a mysterious place, -with those dark arches. I see myself emerging one evening from -some of these arches, on a little public-house close to the river, -with an open space before it, where some coal-heavers were dancing; -to look at whom I sat down upon a bench. I wonder what they -thought of me! - -I was such a child, and so little, that frequently when I went into -the bar of a strange public-house for a glass of ale or porter, to -moisten what I had had for dinner, they were afraid to give it me. -I remember one hot evening I went into the bar of a public-house, -and said to the landlord: -'What is your best - your very best - ale a glass?' For it was a -special occasion. I don't know what. It may have been my -birthday. - -'Twopence-halfpenny,' says the landlord, 'is the price of the -Genuine Stunning ale.' - -'Then,' says I, producing the money, 'just draw me a glass of the -Genuine Stunning, if you please, with a good head to it.' - -The landlord looked at me in return over the bar, from head to -foot, with a strange smile on his face; and instead of drawing the -beer, looked round the screen and said something to his wife. She -came out from behind it, with her work in her hand, and joined him -in surveying me. Here we stand, all three, before me now. The -landlord in his shirt-sleeves, leaning against the bar -window-frame; his wife looking over the little half-door; and I, in -some confusion, looking up at them from outside the partition. -They asked me a good many questions; as, what my name was, how old -I was, where I lived, how I was employed, and how I came there. To -all of which, that I might commit nobody, I invented, I am afraid, -appropriate answers. They served me with the ale, though I suspect -it was not the Genuine Stunning; and the landlord's wife, opening -the little half-door of the bar, and bending down, gave me my money -back, and gave me a kiss that was half admiring and half -compassionate, but all womanly and good, I am sure. - -I know I do not exaggerate, unconsciously and unintentionally, the -scantiness of my resources or the difficulties of my life. I know -that if a shilling were given me by Mr. Quinion at any time, I -spent it in a dinner or a tea. I know that I worked, from morning -until night, with common men and boys, a shabby child. I know that -I lounged about the streets, insufficiently and unsatisfactorily -fed. I know that, but for the mercy of God, I might easily have -been, for any care that was taken of me, a little robber or a -little vagabond. - -Yet I held some station at Murdstone and Grinby's too. Besides -that Mr. Quinion did what a careless man so occupied, and dealing -with a thing so anomalous, could, to treat me as one upon a -different footing from the rest, I never said, to man or boy, how -it was that I came to be there, or gave the least indication of -being sorry that I was there. That I suffered in secret, and that -I suffered exquisitely, no one ever knew but I. How much I -suffered, it is, as I have said already, utterly beyond my power to -tell. But I kept my own counsel, and I did my work. I knew from -the first, that, if I could not do my work as well as any of the -rest, I could not hold myself above slight and contempt. I soon -became at least as expeditious and as skilful as either of the -other boys. Though perfectly familiar with them, my conduct and -manner were different enough from theirs to place a space between -us. They and the men generally spoke of me as 'the little gent', -or 'the young Suffolker.' A certain man named Gregory, who was -foreman of the packers, and another named Tipp, who was the carman, -and wore a red jacket, used to address me sometimes as 'David': but -I think it was mostly when we were very confidential, and when I -had made some efforts to entertain them, over our work, with some -results of the old readings; which were fast perishing out of my -remembrance. Mealy Potatoes uprose once, and rebelled against my -being so distinguished; but Mick Walker settled him in no time. - -My rescue from this kind of existence I considered quite hopeless, -and abandoned, as such, altogether. I am solemnly convinced that -I never for one hour was reconciled to it, or was otherwise than -miserably unhappy; but I bore it; and even to Peggotty, partly for -the love of her and partly for shame, never in any letter (though -many passed between us) revealed the truth. - -Mr. Micawber's difficulties were an addition to the distressed -state of my mind. In my forlorn state I became quite attached to -the family, and used to walk about, busy with Mrs. Micawber's -calculations of ways and means, and heavy with the weight of Mr. -Micawber's debts. On a Saturday night, which was my grand treat, -- partly because it was a great thing to walk home with six or -seven shillings in my pocket, looking into the shops and thinking -what such a sum would buy, and partly because I went home early, - -Mrs. Micawber would make the most heart-rending confidences to me; -also on a Sunday morning, when I mixed the portion of tea or coffee -I had bought over-night, in a little shaving-pot, and sat late at -my breakfast. It was nothing at all unusual for Mr. Micawber to -sob violently at the beginning of one of these Saturday night -conversations, and sing about jack's delight being his lovely Nan, -towards the end of it. I have known him come home to supper with -a flood of tears, and a declaration that nothing was now left but -a jail; and go to bed making a calculation of the expense of -putting bow-windows to the house, 'in case anything turned up', -which was his favourite expression. And Mrs. Micawber was just the -same. - -A curious equality of friendship, originating, I suppose, in our -respective circumstances, sprung up between me and these people, -notwithstanding the ludicrous disparity in our years. But I never -allowed myself to be prevailed upon to accept any invitation to eat -and drink with them out of their stock (knowing that they got on -badly with the butcher and baker, and had often not too much for -themselves), until Mrs. Micawber took me into her entire -confidence. This she did one evening as follows: - -'Master Copperfield,' said Mrs. Micawber, 'I make no stranger of -you, and therefore do not hesitate to say that Mr. Micawber's -difficulties are coming to a crisis.' - -It made me very miserable to hear it, and I looked at Mrs. -Micawber's red eyes with the utmost sympathy. - -'With the exception of the heel of a Dutch cheese - which is not -adapted to the wants of a young family' - said Mrs. Micawber, -'there is really not a scrap of anything in the larder. I was -accustomed to speak of the larder when I lived with papa and mama, -and I use the word almost unconsciously. What I mean to express -is, that there is nothing to eat in the house.' - -'Dear me!' I said, in great concern. - -I had two or three shillings of my week's money in my pocket - from -which I presume that it must have been on a Wednesday night when we -held this conversation - and I hastily produced them, and with -heartfelt emotion begged Mrs. Micawber to accept of them as a loan. -But that lady, kissing me, and making me put them back in my -pocket, replied that she couldn't think of it. - -'No, my dear Master Copperfield,' said she, 'far be it from my -thoughts! But you have a discretion beyond your years, and can -render me another kind of service, if you will; and a service I -will thankfully accept of.' - -I begged Mrs. Micawber to name it. - -'I have parted with the plate myself,' said Mrs. Micawber. 'Six -tea, two salt, and a pair of sugars, I have at different times -borrowed money on, in secret, with my own hands. But the twins are -a great tie; and to me, with my recollections, of papa and mama, -these transactions are very painful. There are still a few trifles -that we could part with. Mr. Micawber's feelings would never allow -him to dispose of them; and Clickett' - this was the girl from the -workhouse - 'being of a vulgar mind, would take painful liberties -if so much confidence was reposed in her. Master Copperfield, if -I might ask you -' - -I understood Mrs. Micawber now, and begged her to make use of me to -any extent. I began to dispose of the more portable articles of -property that very evening; and went out on a similar expedition -almost every morning, before I went to Murdstone and Grinby's. - -Mr. Micawber had a few books on a little chiffonier, which he -called the library; and those went first. I carried them, one -after another, to a bookstall in the City Road - one part of which, -near our house, was almost all bookstalls and bird shops then - and -sold them for whatever they would bring. The keeper of this -bookstall, who lived in a little house behind it, used to get tipsy -every night, and to be violently scolded by his wife every morning. -More than once, when I went there early, I had audience of him in -a turn-up bedstead, with a cut in his forehead or a black eye, -bearing witness to his excesses over-night (I am afraid he was -quarrelsome in his drink), and he, with a shaking hand, -endeavouring to find the needful shillings in one or other of the -pockets of his clothes, which lay upon the floor, while his wife, -with a baby in her arms and her shoes down at heel, never left off -rating him. Sometimes he had lost his money, and then he would ask -me to call again; but his wife had always got some - had taken his, -I dare say, while he was drunk - and secretly completed the bargain -on the stairs, as we went down together. -At the pawnbroker's shop, too, I began to be very well known. The -principal gentleman who officiated behind the counter, took a good -deal of notice of me; and often got me, I recollect, to decline a -Latin noun or adjective, or to conjugate a Latin verb, in his ear, -while he transacted my business. After all these occasions Mrs. -Micawber made a little treat, which was generally a supper; and -there was a peculiar relish in these meals which I well remember. - -At last Mr. Micawber's difficulties came to a crisis, and he was -arrested early one morning, and carried over to the King's Bench -Prison in the Borough. He told me, as he went out of the house, -that the God of day had now gone down upon him - and I really -thought his heart was broken and mine too. But I heard, -afterwards, that he was seen to play a lively game at skittles, -before noon. - -On the first Sunday after he was taken there, I was to go and see -him, and have dinner with him. I was to ask my way to such a -place, and just short of that place I should see such another -place, and just short of that I should see a yard, which I was to -cross, and keep straight on until I saw a turnkey. All this I did; -and when at last I did see a turnkey (poor little fellow that I -was!), and thought how, when Roderick Random was in a debtors' -prison, there was a man there with nothing on him but an old rug, -the turnkey swam before my dimmed eyes and my beating heart. - -Mr. Micawber was waiting for me within the gate, and we went up to -his room (top story but one), and cried very much. He solemnly -conjured me, I remember, to take warning by his fate; and to -observe that if a man had twenty pounds a-year for his income, and -spent nineteen pounds nineteen shillings and sixpence, he would be -happy, but that if he spent twenty pounds one he would be -miserable. After which he borrowed a shilling of me for porter, -gave me a written order on Mrs. Micawber for the amount, and put -away his pocket-handkerchief, and cheered up. - -We sat before a little fire, with two bricks put within the rusted -grate, one on each side, to prevent its burning too many coals; -until another debtor, who shared the room with Mr. Micawber, came -in from the bakehouse with the loin of mutton which was our -joint-stock repast. Then I was sent up to 'Captain Hopkins' in the -room overhead, with Mr. Micawber's compliments, and I was his young -friend, and would Captain Hopkins lend me a knife and fork. - -Captain Hopkins lent me the knife and fork, with his compliments to -Mr. Micawber. There was a very dirty lady in his little room, and -two wan girls, his daughters, with shock heads of hair. I thought -it was better to borrow Captain Hopkins's knife and fork, than -Captain Hopkins's comb. The Captain himself was in the last -extremity of shabbiness, with large whiskers, and an old, old brown -great-coat with no other coat below it. I saw his bed rolled up in -a corner; and what plates and dishes and pots he had, on a shelf; -and I divined (God knows how) that though the two girls with the -shock heads of hair were Captain Hopkins's children, the dirty lady -was not married to Captain Hopkins. My timid station on his -threshold was not occupied more than a couple of minutes at most; -but I came down again with all this in my knowledge, as surely as -the knife and fork were in my hand. - -There was something gipsy-like and agreeable in the dinner, after -all. I took back Captain Hopkins's knife and fork early in the -afternoon, and went home to comfort Mrs. Micawber with an account -of my visit. She fainted when she saw me return, and made a little -jug of egg-hot afterwards to console us while we talked it over. - -I don't know how the household furniture came to be sold for the -family benefit, or who sold it, except that I did not. Sold it -was, however, and carried away in a van; except the bed, a few -chairs, and the kitchen table. With these possessions we encamped, -as it were, in the two parlours of the emptied house in Windsor -Terrace; Mrs. Micawber, the children, the Orfling, and myself; and -lived in those rooms night and day. I have no idea for how long, -though it seems to me for a long time. At last Mrs. Micawber -resolved to move into the prison, where Mr. Micawber had now -secured a room to himself. So I took the key of the house to the -landlord, who was very glad to get it; and the beds were sent over -to the King's Bench, except mine, for which a little room was hired -outside the walls in the neighbourhood of that Institution, very -much to my satisfaction, since the Micawbers and I had become too -used to one another, in our troubles, to part. The Orfling was -likewise accommodated with an inexpensive lodging in the same -neighbourhood. Mine was a quiet back-garret with a sloping roof, -commanding a pleasant prospect of a timberyard; and when I took -possession of it, with the reflection that Mr. Micawber's troubles -had come to a crisis at last, I thought it quite a paradise. - -All this time I was working at Murdstone and Grinby's in the same -common way, and with the same common companions, and with the same -sense of unmerited degradation as at first. But I never, happily -for me no doubt, made a single acquaintance, or spoke to any of the -many boys whom I saw daily in going to the warehouse, in coming -from it, and in prowling about the streets at meal-times. I led -the same secretly unhappy life; but I led it in the same lonely, -self-reliant manner. The only changes I am conscious of are, -firstly, that I had grown more shabby, and secondly, that I was now -relieved of much of the weight of Mr. and Mrs. Micawber's cares; -for some relatives or friends had engaged to help them at their -present pass, and they lived more comfortably in the prison than -they had lived for a long while out of it. I used to breakfast -with them now, in virtue of some arrangement, of which I have -forgotten the details. I forget, too, at what hour the gates were -opened in the morning, admitting of my going in; but I know that I -was often up at six o'clock, and that my favourite lounging-place -in the interval was old London Bridge, where I was wont to sit in -one of the stone recesses, watching the people going by, or to look -over the balustrades at the sun shining in the water, and lighting -up the golden flame on the top of the Monument. The Orfling met me -here sometimes, to be told some astonishing fictions respecting the -wharves and the Tower; of which I can say no more than that I hope -I believed them myself. In the evening I used to go back to the -prison, and walk up and down the parade with Mr. Micawber; or play -casino with Mrs. Micawber, and hear reminiscences of her papa and -mama. Whether Mr. Murdstone knew where I was, I am unable to say. -I never told them at Murdstone and Grinby's. - -Mr. Micawber's affairs, although past their crisis, were very much -involved by reason of a certain 'Deed', of which I used to hear a -great deal, and which I suppose, now, to have been some former -composition with his creditors, though I was so far from being -clear about it then, that I am conscious of having confounded it -with those demoniacal parchments which are held to have, once upon -a time, obtained to a great extent in Germany. At last this -document appeared to be got out of the way, somehow; at all events -it ceased to be the rock-ahead it had been; and Mrs. Micawber -informed me that 'her family' had decided that Mr. Micawber should -apply for his release under the Insolvent Debtors Act, which would -set him free, she expected, in about six weeks. - -'And then,' said Mr. Micawber, who was present, 'I have no doubt I -shall, please Heaven, begin to be beforehand with the world, and to -live in a perfectly new manner, if - in short, if anything turns -up.' - -By way of going in for anything that might be on the cards, I call -to mind that Mr. Micawber, about this time, composed a petition to -the House of Commons, praying for an alteration in the law of -imprisonment for debt. I set down this remembrance here, because -it is an instance to myself of the manner in which I fitted my old -books to my altered life, and made stories for myself, out of the -streets, and out of men and women; and how some main points in the -character I shall unconsciously develop, I suppose, in writing my -life, were gradually forming all this while. - -There was a club in the prison, in which Mr. Micawber, as a -gentleman, was a great authority. Mr. Micawber had stated his idea -of this petition to the club, and the club had strongly approved of -the same. Wherefore Mr. Micawber (who was a thoroughly -good-natured man, and as active a creature about everything but his -own affairs as ever existed, and never so happy as when he was busy -about something that could never be of any profit to him) set to -work at the petition, invented it, engrossed it on an immense sheet -of paper, spread it out on a table, and appointed a time for all -the club, and all within the walls if they chose, to come up to his -room and sign it. - -When I heard of this approaching ceremony, I was so anxious to see -them all come in, one after another, though I knew the greater part -of them already, and they me, that I got an hour's leave of absence -from Murdstone and Grinby's, and established myself in a corner for -that purpose. As many of the principal members of the club as -could be got into the small room without filling it, supported Mr. -Micawber in front of the petition, while my old friend Captain -Hopkins (who had washed himself, to do honour to so solemn an -occasion) stationed himself close to it, to read it to all who were -unacquainted with its contents. The door was then thrown open, and -the general population began to come in, in a long file: several -waiting outside, while one entered, affixed his signature, and went -out. To everybody in succession, Captain Hopkins said: 'Have you -read it?' - 'No.' - 'Would you like to hear it read?' If he -weakly showed the least disposition to hear it, Captain Hopkins, in -a loud sonorous voice, gave him every word of it. The Captain -would have read it twenty thousand times, if twenty thousand people -would have heard him, one by one. I remember a certain luscious -roll he gave to such phrases as 'The people's representatives in -Parliament assembled,' 'Your petitioners therefore humbly approach -your honourable house,' 'His gracious Majesty's unfortunate -subjects,' as if the words were something real in his mouth, and -delicious to taste; Mr. Micawber, meanwhile, listening with a -little of an author's vanity, and contemplating (not severely) the -spikes on the opposite wall. - -As I walked to and fro daily between Southwark and Blackfriars, and -lounged about at meal-times in obscure streets, the stones of which -may, for anything I know, be worn at this moment by my childish -feet, I wonder how many of these people were wanting in the crowd -that used to come filing before me in review again, to the echo of -Captain Hopkins's voice! When my thoughts go back, now, to that -slow agony of my youth, I wonder how much of the histories I -invented for such people hangs like a mist of fancy over -well-remembered facts! When I tread the old ground, I do not -wonder that I seem to see and pity, going on before me, an innocent -romantic boy, making his imaginative world out of such strange -experiences and sordid things! - - - -CHAPTER 12 -LIKING LIFE ON MY OWN ACCOUNT NO BETTER, - I FORM A GREAT RESOLUTION - - -In due time, Mr. Micawber's petition was ripe for hearing; and that -gentleman was ordered to be discharged under the Act, to my great -joy. His creditors were not implacable; and Mrs. Micawber informed -me that even the revengeful boot-maker had declared in open court -that he bore him no malice, but that when money was owing to him he -liked to be paid. He said he thought it was human nature. - -M r Micawber returned to the King's Bench when his case was over, -as some fees were to be settled, and some formalities observed, -before he could be actually released. The club received him with -transport, and held an harmonic meeting that evening in his honour; -while Mrs. Micawber and I had a lamb's fry in private, surrounded -by the sleeping family. - -'On such an occasion I will give you, Master Copperfield,' said -Mrs. Micawber, 'in a little more flip,' for we had been having some -already, 'the memory of my papa and mama.' - -'Are they dead, ma'am?' I inquired, after drinking the toast in a -wine-glass. - -'My mama departed this life,' said Mrs. Micawber, 'before Mr. -Micawber's difficulties commenced, or at least before they became -pressing. My papa lived to bail Mr. Micawber several times, and -then expired, regretted by a numerous circle.' - -Mrs. Micawber shook her head, and dropped a pious tear upon the -twin who happened to be in hand. - -As I could hardly hope for a more favourable opportunity of putting -a question in which I had a near interest, I said to Mrs. Micawber: - -'May I ask, ma'am, what you and Mr. Micawber intend to do, now that -Mr. Micawber is out of his difficulties, and at liberty? Have you -settled yet?' - -'My family,' said Mrs. Micawber, who always said those two words -with an air, though I never could discover who came under the -denomination, 'my family are of opinion that Mr. Micawber should -quit London, and exert his talents in the country. Mr. Micawber is -a man of great talent, Master Copperfield.' - -I said I was sure of that. - -'Of great talent,' repeated Mrs. Micawber. 'My family are of -opinion, that, with a little interest, something might be done for -a man of his ability in the Custom House. The influence of my -family being local, it is their wish that Mr. Micawber should go -down to Plymouth. They think it indispensable that he should be -upon the spot.' - -'That he may be ready?' I suggested. - -'Exactly,' returned Mrs. Micawber. 'That he may be ready - in case -of anything turning up.' - -'And do you go too, ma'am?' - -The events of the day, in combination with the twins, if not with -the flip, had made Mrs. Micawber hysterical, and she shed tears as -she replied: - -'I never will desert Mr. Micawber. Mr. Micawber may have concealed -his difficulties from me in the first instance, but his sanguine -temper may have led him to expect that he would overcome them. The -pearl necklace and bracelets which I inherited from mama, have been -disposed of for less than half their value; and the set of coral, -which was the wedding gift of my papa, has been actually thrown -away for nothing. But I never will desert Mr. Micawber. No!' -cried Mrs. Micawber, more affected than before, 'I never will do -it! It's of no use asking me!' - -I felt quite uncomfortable - as if Mrs. Micawber supposed I had -asked her to do anything of the sort! - and sat looking at her in -alarm. - -'Mr. Micawber has his faults. I do not deny that he is -improvident. I do not deny that he has kept me in the dark as to -his resources and his liabilities both,' she went on, looking at -the wall; 'but I never will desert Mr. Micawber!' - -Mrs. Micawber having now raised her voice into a perfect scream, I -was so frightened that I ran off to the club-room, and disturbed -Mr. Micawber in the act of presiding at a long table, and leading -the chorus of - - Gee up, Dobbin, - Gee ho, Dobbin, - Gee up, Dobbin, - Gee up, and gee ho - o - o! - -with the tidings that Mrs. Micawber was in an alarming state, upon -which he immediately burst into tears, and came away with me with -his waistcoat full of the heads and tails of shrimps, of which he -had been partaking. - -'Emma, my angel!' cried Mr. Micawber, running into the room; 'what -is the matter?' - -'I never will desert you, Micawber!' she exclaimed. - -'My life!' said Mr. Micawber, taking her in his arms. 'I am -perfectly aware of it.' - -'He is the parent of my children! He is the father of my twins! -He is the husband of my affections,' cried Mrs. Micawber, -struggling; 'and I ne - ver - will - desert Mr. Micawber!' - -Mr. Micawber was so deeply affected by this proof of her devotion -(as to me, I was dissolved in tears), that he hung over her in a -passionate manner, imploring her to look up, and to be calm. But -the more he asked Mrs. Micawber to look up, the more she fixed her -eyes on nothing; and the more he asked her to compose herself, the -more she wouldn't. Consequently Mr. Micawber was soon so overcome, -that he mingled his tears with hers and mine; until he begged me to -do him the favour of taking a chair on the staircase, while he got -her into bed. I would have taken my leave for the night, but he -would not hear of my doing that until the strangers' bell should -ring. So I sat at the staircase window, until he came out with -another chair and joined me. - -'How is Mrs. Micawber now, sir?' I said. - -'Very low,' said Mr. Micawber, shaking his head; 'reaction. Ah, -this has been a dreadful day! We stand alone now - everything is -gone from us!' - -Mr. Micawber pressed my hand, and groaned, and afterwards shed -tears. I was greatly touched, and disappointed too, for I had -expected that we should be quite gay on this happy and -long-looked-for occasion. But Mr. and Mrs. Micawber were so used -to their old difficulties, I think, that they felt quite -shipwrecked when they came to consider that they were released from -them. All their elasticity was departed, and I never saw them half -so wretched as on this night; insomuch that when the bell rang, and -Mr. Micawber walked with me to the lodge, and parted from me there -with a blessing, I felt quite afraid to leave him by himself, he -was so profoundly miserable. - -But through all the confusion and lowness of spirits in which we -had been, so unexpectedly to me, involved, I plainly discerned that -Mr. and Mrs. Micawber and their family were going away from London, -and that a parting between us was near at hand. It was in my walk -home that night, and in the sleepless hours which followed when I -lay in bed, that the thought first occurred to me - though I don't -know how it came into my head - which afterwards shaped itself into -a settled resolution. - -I had grown to be so accustomed to the Micawbers, and had been so -intimate with them in their distresses, and was so utterly -friendless without them, that the prospect of being thrown upon -some new shift for a lodging, and going once more among unknown -people, was like being that moment turned adrift into my present -life, with such a knowledge of it ready made as experience had -given me. All the sensitive feelings it wounded so cruelly, all -the shame and misery it kept alive within my breast, became more -poignant as I thought of this; and I determined that the life was -unendurable. - -That there was no hope of escape from it, unless the escape was my -own act, I knew quite well. I rarely heard from Miss Murdstone, -and never from Mr. Murdstone: but two or three parcels of made or -mended clothes had come up for me, consigned to Mr. Quinion, and in -each there was a scrap of paper to the effect that J. M. trusted D. -C. was applying himself to business, and devoting himself wholly to -his duties - not the least hint of my ever being anything else than -the common drudge into which I was fast settling down. - -The very next day showed me, while my mind was in the first -agitation of what it had conceived, that Mrs. Micawber had not -spoken of their going away without warrant. They took a lodging in -the house where I lived, for a week; at the expiration of which -time they were to start for Plymouth. Mr. Micawber himself came -down to the counting-house, in the afternoon, to tell Mr. Quinion -that he must relinquish me on the day of his departure, and to give -me a high character, which I am sure I deserved. And Mr. Quinion, -calling in Tipp the carman, who was a married man, and had a room -to let, quartered me prospectively on him - by our mutual consent, -as he had every reason to think; for I said nothing, though my -resolution was now taken. - -I passed my evenings with Mr. and Mrs. Micawber, during the -remaining term of our residence under the same roof; and I think we -became fonder of one another as the time went on. On the last -Sunday, they invited me to dinner; and we had a loin of pork and -apple sauce, and a pudding. I had bought a spotted wooden horse -over-night as a parting gift to little Wilkins Micawber - that was -the boy - and a doll for little Emma. I had also bestowed a -shilling on the Orfling, who was about to be disbanded. - -We had a very pleasant day, though we were all in a tender state -about our approaching separation. - -'I shall never, Master Copperfield,' said Mrs. Micawber, 'revert to -the period when Mr. Micawber was in difficulties, without thinking -of you. Your conduct has always been of the most delicate and -obliging description. You have never been a lodger. You have been -a friend.' - -'My dear,' said Mr. Micawber; 'Copperfield,' for so he had been -accustomed to call me, of late, 'has a heart to feel for the -distresses of his fellow-creatures when they are behind a cloud, -and a head to plan, and a hand to - in short, a general ability to -dispose of such available property as could be made away with.' - -I expressed my sense of this commendation, and said I was very -sorry we were going to lose one another. - -'My dear young friend,' said Mr. Micawber, 'I am older than you; a -man of some experience in life, and - and of some experience, in -short, in difficulties, generally speaking. At present, and until -something turns up (which I am, I may say, hourly expecting), I -have nothing to bestow but advice. Still my advice is so far worth -taking, that - in short, that I have never taken it myself, and am -the' - here Mr. Micawber, who had been beaming and smiling, all -over his head and face, up to the present moment, checked himself -and frowned - 'the miserable wretch you behold.' - -'My dear Micawber!' urged his wife. - -'I say,' returned Mr. Micawber, quite forgetting himself, and -smiling again, 'the miserable wretch you behold. My advice is, -never do tomorrow what you can do today. Procrastination is the -thief of time. Collar him!' - -'My poor papa's maxim,' Mrs. Micawber observed. - -'My dear,' said Mr. Micawber, 'your papa was very well in his way, -and Heaven forbid that I should disparage him. Take him for all in -all, we ne'er shall - in short, make the acquaintance, probably, of -anybody else possessing, at his time of life, the same legs for -gaiters, and able to read the same description of print, without -spectacles. But he applied that maxim to our marriage, my dear; -and that was so far prematurely entered into, in consequence, that -I never recovered the expense.' Mr. Micawber looked aside at Mrs. -Micawber, and added: 'Not that I am sorry for it. Quite the -contrary, my love.' After which, he was grave for a minute or so. - -'My other piece of advice, Copperfield,' said Mr. Micawber, 'you -know. Annual income twenty pounds, annual expenditure nineteen -nineteen and six, result happiness. Annual income twenty pounds, -annual expenditure twenty pounds ought and six, result misery. The -blossom is blighted, the leaf is withered, the god of day goes down -upon the dreary scene, and - and in short you are for ever floored. -As I am!' - -To make his example the more impressive, Mr. Micawber drank a glass -of punch with an air of great enjoyment and satisfaction, and -whistled the College Hornpipe. - -I did not fail to assure him that I would store these precepts in -my mind, though indeed I had no need to do so, for, at the time, -they affected me visibly. Next morning I met the whole family at -the coach office, and saw them, with a desolate heart, take their -places outside, at the back. - -'Master Copperfield,' said Mrs. Micawber, 'God bless you! I never -can forget all that, you know, and I never would if I could.' - -'Copperfield,' said Mr. Micawber, 'farewell! Every happiness and -prosperity! If, in the progress of revolving years, I could -persuade myself that my blighted destiny had been a warning to you, -I should feel that I had not occupied another man's place in -existence altogether in vain. In case of anything turning up (of -which I am rather confident), I shall be extremely happy if it -should be in my power to improve your prospects.' - -I think, as Mrs. Micawber sat at the back of the coach, with the -children, and I stood in the road looking wistfully at them, a mist -cleared from her eyes, and she saw what a little creature I really -was. I think so, because she beckoned to me to climb up, with -quite a new and motherly expression in her face, and put her arm -round my neck, and gave me just such a kiss as she might have given -to her own boy. I had barely time to get down again before the -coach started, and I could hardly see the family for the -handkerchiefs they waved. It was gone in a minute. The Orfling -and I stood looking vacantly at each other in the middle of the -road, and then shook hands and said good-bye; she going back, I -suppose, to St. Luke's workhouse, as I went to begin my weary day -at Murdstone and Grinby's. - -But with no intention of passing many more weary days there. No. -I had resolved to run away. - To go, by some means or other, down -into the country, to the only relation I had in the world, and tell -my story to my aunt, Miss Betsey. -I have already observed that I don't know how this desperate idea -came into my brain. But, once there, it remained there; and -hardened into a purpose than which I have never entertained a more -determined purpose in my life. I am far from sure that I believed -there was anything hopeful in it, but my mind was thoroughly made -up that it must be carried into execution. - -Again, and again, and a hundred times again, since the night when -the thought had first occurred to me and banished sleep, I had gone -over that old story of my poor mother's about my birth, which it -had been one of my great delights in the old time to hear her tell, -and which I knew by heart. My aunt walked into that story, and -walked out of it, a dread and awful personage; but there was one -little trait in her behaviour which I liked to dwell on, and which -gave me some faint shadow of encouragement. I could not forget how -my mother had thought that she felt her touch her pretty hair with -no ungentle hand; and though it might have been altogether my -mother's fancy, and might have had no foundation whatever in fact, -I made a little picture, out of it, of my terrible aunt relenting -towards the girlish beauty that I recollected so well and loved so -much, which softened the whole narrative. It is very possible that -it had been in my mind a long time, and had gradually engendered my -determination. - -As I did not even know where Miss Betsey lived, I wrote a long -letter to Peggotty, and asked her, incidentally, if she remembered; -pretending that I had heard of such a lady living at a certain -place I named at random, and had a curiosity to know if it were the -same. In the course of that letter, I told Peggotty that I had a -particular occasion for half a guinea; and that if she could lend -me that sum until I could repay it, I should be very much obliged -to her, and would tell her afterwards what I had wanted it for. - -Peggotty's answer soon arrived, and was, as usual, full of -affectionate devotion. She enclosed the half guinea (I was afraid -she must have had a world of trouble to get it out of Mr. Barkis's -box), and told me that Miss Betsey lived near Dover, but whether at -Dover itself, at Hythe, Sandgate, or Folkestone, she could not say. -One of our men, however, informing me on my asking him about these -places, that they were all close together, I deemed this enough for -my object, and resolved to set out at the end of that week. - -Being a very honest little creature, and unwilling to disgrace the -memory I was going to leave behind me at Murdstone and Grinby's, I -considered myself bound to remain until Saturday night; and, as I -had been paid a week's wages in advance when I first came there, -not to present myself in the counting-house at the usual hour, to -receive my stipend. For this express reason, I had borrowed the -half-guinea, that I might not be without a fund for my -travelling-expenses. Accordingly, when the Saturday night came, -and we were all waiting in the warehouse to be paid, and Tipp the -carman, who always took precedence, went in first to draw his -money, I shook Mick Walker by the hand; asked him, when it came to -his turn to be paid, to say to Mr. Quinion that I had gone to move -my box to Tipp's; and, bidding a last good night to Mealy Potatoes, -ran away. - -My box was at my old lodging, over the water, and I had written a -direction for it on the back of one of our address cards that we -nailed on the casks: 'Master David, to be left till called for, at -the Coach Office, Dover.' This I had in my pocket ready to put on -the box, after I should have got it out of the house; and as I went -towards my lodging, I looked about me for someone who would help me -to carry it to the booking-office. - -There was a long-legged young man with a very little empty -donkey-cart, standing near the Obelisk, in the Blackfriars Road, -whose eye I caught as I was going by, and who, addressing me as -'Sixpenn'orth of bad ha'pence,' hoped 'I should know him agin to -swear to' - in allusion, I have no doubt, to my staring at him. I -stopped to assure him that I had not done so in bad manners, but -uncertain whether he might or might not like a job. - -'Wot job?' said the long-legged young man. - -'To move a box,' I answered. - -'Wot box?' said the long-legged young man. - -I told him mine, which was down that street there, and which I -wanted him to take to the Dover coach office for sixpence. - -'Done with you for a tanner!' said the long-legged young man, and -directly got upon his cart, which was nothing but a large wooden -tray on wheels, and rattled away at such a rate, that it was as -much as I could do to keep pace with the donkey. - -There was a defiant manner about this young man, and particularly -about the way in which he chewed straw as he spoke to me, that I -did not much like; as the bargain was made, however, I took him -upstairs to the room I was leaving, and we brought the box down, -and put it on his cart. Now, I was unwilling to put the -direction-card on there, lest any of my landlord's family should -fathom what I was doing, and detain me; so I said to the young man -that I would be glad if he would stop for a minute, when he came to -the dead-wall of the King's Bench prison. The words were no sooner -out of my mouth, than he rattled away as if he, my box, the cart, -and the donkey, were all equally mad; and I was quite out of breath -with running and calling after him, when I caught him at the place -appointed. - -Being much flushed and excited, I tumbled my half-guinea out of my -pocket in pulling the card out. I put it in my mouth for safety, -and though my hands trembled a good deal, had just tied the card on -very much to my satisfaction, when I felt myself violently chucked -under the chin by the long-legged young man, and saw my half-guinea -fly out of my mouth into his hand. - -'Wot!' said the young man, seizing me by my jacket collar, with a -frightful grin. 'This is a pollis case, is it? You're a-going to -bolt, are you? Come to the pollis, you young warmin, come to the -pollis!' - -'You give me my money back, if you please,' said I, very much -frightened; 'and leave me alone.' - -'Come to the pollis!' said the young man. 'You shall prove it -yourn to the pollis.' - -'Give me my box and money, will you,' I cried, bursting into tears. - -The young man still replied: 'Come to the pollis!' and was dragging -me against the donkey in a violent manner, as if there were any -affinity between that animal and a magistrate, when he changed his -mind, jumped into the cart, sat upon my box, and, exclaiming that -he would drive to the pollis straight, rattled away harder than -ever. - -I ran after him as fast as I could, but I had no breath to call out -with, and should not have dared to call out, now, if I had. I -narrowly escaped being run over, twenty times at least, in half a -mile. Now I lost him, now I saw him, now I lost him, now I was cut -at with a whip, now shouted at, now down in the mud, now up again, -now running into somebody's arms, now running headlong at a post. -At length, confused by fright and heat, and doubting whether half -London might not by this time be turning out for my apprehension, -I left the young man to go where he would with my box and money; -and, panting and crying, but never stopping, faced about for -Greenwich, which I had understood was on the Dover Road: taking -very little more out of the world, towards the retreat of my aunt, -Miss Betsey, than I had brought into it, on the night when my -arrival gave her so much umbrage. - - - -CHAPTER 13 -THE SEQUEL OF MY RESOLUTION - - -For anything I know, I may have had some wild idea of running all -the way to Dover, when I gave up the pursuit of the young man with -the donkey-cart, and started for Greenwich. My scattered senses -were soon collected as to that point, if I had; for I came to a -stop in the Kent Road, at a terrace with a piece of water before -it, and a great foolish image in the middle, blowing a dry shell. -Here I sat down on a doorstep, quite spent and exhausted with the -efforts I had already made, and with hardly breath enough to cry -for the loss of my box and half-guinea. - -It was by this time dark; I heard the clocks strike ten, as I sat -resting. But it was a summer night, fortunately, and fine weather. -When I had recovered my breath, and had got rid of a stifling -sensation in my throat, I rose up and went on. In the midst of my -distress, I had no notion of going back. I doubt if I should have -had any, though there had been a Swiss snow-drift in the Kent Road. - -But my standing possessed of only three-halfpence in the world (and -I am sure I wonder how they came to be left in my pocket on a -Saturday night!) troubled me none the less because I went on. I -began to picture to myself, as a scrap of newspaper intelligence, -my being found dead in a day or two, under some hedge; and I -trudged on miserably, though as fast as I could, until I happened -to pass a little shop, where it was written up that ladies' and -gentlemen's wardrobes were bought, and that the best price was -given for rags, bones, and kitchen-stuff. The master of this shop -was sitting at the door in his shirt-sleeves, smoking; and as there -were a great many coats and pairs of trousers dangling from the low -ceiling, and only two feeble candles burning inside to show what -they were, I fancied that he looked like a man of a revengeful -disposition, who had hung all his enemies, and was enjoying -himself. - -My late experiences with Mr. and Mrs. Micawber suggested to me that -here might be a means of keeping off the wolf for a little while. -I went up the next by-street, took off my waistcoat, rolled it -neatly under my arm, and came back to the shop door. - -'If you please, sir,' I said, 'I am to sell this for a fair price.' - -Mr. Dolloby - Dolloby was the name over the shop door, at least - -took the waistcoat, stood his pipe on its head, against the -door-post, went into the shop, followed by me, snuffed the two -candles with his fingers, spread the waistcoat on the counter, and -looked at it there, held it up against the light, and looked at it -there, and ultimately said: - -'What do you call a price, now, for this here little weskit?' - -'Oh! you know best, sir,' I returned modestly. - -'I can't be buyer and seller too,' said Mr. Dolloby. 'Put a price -on this here little weskit.' - -'Would eighteenpence be?'- I hinted, after some hesitation. - -Mr. Dolloby rolled it up again, and gave it me back. 'I should rob -my family,' he said, 'if I was to offer ninepence for it.' - -This was a disagreeable way of putting the business; because it -imposed upon me, a perfect stranger, the unpleasantness of asking -Mr. Dolloby to rob his family on my account. My circumstances -being so very pressing, however, I said I would take ninepence for -it, if he pleased. Mr. Dolloby, not without some grumbling, gave -ninepence. I wished him good night, and walked out of the shop the -richer by that sum, and the poorer by a waistcoat. But when I -buttoned my jacket, that was not much. -Indeed, I foresaw pretty clearly that my jacket would go next, and -that I should have to make the best of my way to Dover in a shirt -and a pair of trousers, and might deem myself lucky if I got there -even in that trim. But my mind did not run so much on this as -might be supposed. Beyond a general impression of the distance -before me, and of the young man with the donkey-cart having used me -cruelly, I think I had no very urgent sense of my difficulties when -I once again set off with my ninepence in my pocket. - -A plan had occurred to me for passing the night, which I was going -to carry into execution. This was, to lie behind the wall at the -back of my old school, in a corner where there used to be a -haystack. I imagined it would be a kind of company to have the -boys, and the bedroom where I used to tell the stories, so near me: -although the boys would know nothing of my being there, and the -bedroom would yield me no shelter. - -I had had a hard day's work, and was pretty well jaded when I came -climbing out, at last, upon the level of Blackheath. It cost me -some trouble to find out Salem House; but I found it, and I found -a haystack in the corner, and I lay down by it; having first walked -round the wall, and looked up at the windows, and seen that all was -dark and silent within. Never shall I forget the lonely sensation -of first lying down, without a roof above my head! - -Sleep came upon me as it came on many other outcasts, against whom -house-doors were locked, and house-dogs barked, that night - and I -dreamed of lying on my old school-bed, talking to the boys in my -room; and found myself sitting upright, with Steerforth's name upon -my lips, looking wildly at the stars that were glistening and -glimmering above me. When I remembered where I was at that -untimely hour, a feeling stole upon me that made me get up, afraid -of I don't know what, and walk about. But the fainter glimmering -of the stars, and the pale light in the sky where the day was -coming, reassured me: and my eyes being very heavy, I lay down -again and slept - though with a knowledge in my sleep that it was -cold - until the warm beams of the sun, and the ringing of the -getting-up bell at Salem House, awoke me. If I could have hoped -that Steerforth was there, I would have lurked about until he came -out alone; but I knew he must have left long since. Traddles still -remained, perhaps, but it was very doubtful; and I had not -sufficient confidence in his discretion or good luck, however -strong my reliance was on his good nature, to wish to trust him -with my situation. So I crept away from the wall as Mr. Creakle's -boys were getting up, and struck into the long dusty track which I -had first known to be the Dover Road when I was one of them, and -when I little expected that any eyes would ever see me the wayfarer -I was now, upon it. - -What a different Sunday morning from the old Sunday morning at -Yarmouth! In due time I heard the church-bells ringing, as I -plodded on; and I met people who were going to church; and I passed -a church or two where the congregation were inside, and the sound -of singing came out into the sunshine, while the beadle sat and -cooled himself in the shade of the porch, or stood beneath the -yew-tree, with his hand to his forehead, glowering at me going by. -But the peace and rest of the old Sunday morning were on -everything, except me. That was the difference. I felt quite -wicked in my dirt and dust, with my tangled hair. But for the -quiet picture I had conjured up, of my mother in her youth and -beauty, weeping by the fire, and my aunt relenting to her, I hardly -think I should have had the courage to go on until next day. But -it always went before me, and I followed. - -I got, that Sunday, through three-and-twenty miles on the straight -road, though not very easily, for I was new to that kind of toil. -I see myself, as evening closes in, coming over the bridge at -Rochester, footsore and tired, and eating bread that I had bought -for supper. One or two little houses, with the notice, 'Lodgings -for Travellers', hanging out, had tempted me; but I was afraid of -spending the few pence I had, and was even more afraid of the -vicious looks of the trampers I had met or overtaken. I sought no -shelter, therefore, but the sky; and toiling into Chatham, - which, -in that night's aspect, is a mere dream of chalk, and drawbridges, -and mastless ships in a muddy river, roofed like Noah's arks, - -crept, at last, upon a sort of grass-grown battery overhanging a -lane, where a sentry was walking to and fro. Here I lay down, near -a cannon; and, happy in the society of the sentry's footsteps, -though he knew no more of my being above him than the boys at Salem -House had known of my lying by the wall, slept soundly until -morning. - -Very stiff and sore of foot I was in the morning, and quite dazed -by the beating of drums and marching of troops, which seemed to hem -me in on every side when I went down towards the long narrow -street. Feeling that I could go but a very little way that day, if -I were to reserve any strength for getting to my journey's end, I -resolved to make the sale of my jacket its principal business. -Accordingly, I took the jacket off, that I might learn to do -without it; and carrying it under my arm, began a tour of -inspection of the various slop-shops. - -It was a likely place to sell a jacket in; for the dealers in -second-hand clothes were numerous, and were, generally speaking, on -the look-out for customers at their shop doors. But as most of -them had, hanging up among their stock, an officer's coat or two, -epaulettes and all, I was rendered timid by the costly nature of -their dealings, and walked about for a long time without offering -my merchandise to anyone. - -This modesty of mine directed my attention to the marine-store -shops, and such shops as Mr. Dolloby's, in preference to the -regular dealers. At last I found one that I thought looked -promising, at the corner of a dirty lane, ending in an enclosure -full of stinging-nettles, against the palings of which some -second-hand sailors' clothes, that seemed to have overflowed the -shop, were fluttering among some cots, and rusty guns, and oilskin -hats, and certain trays full of so many old rusty keys of so many -sizes that they seemed various enough to open all the doors in the -world. - -Into this shop, which was low and small, and which was darkened -rather than lighted by a little window, overhung with clothes, and -was descended into by some steps, I went with a palpitating heart; -which was not relieved when an ugly old man, with the lower part of -his face all covered with a stubbly grey beard, rushed out of a -dirty den behind it, and seized me by the hair of my head. He was -a dreadful old man to look at, in a filthy flannel waistcoat, and -smelling terribly of rum. His bedstead, covered with a tumbled and -ragged piece of patchwork, was in the den he had come from, where -another little window showed a prospect of more stinging-nettles, -and a lame donkey. - -'Oh, what do you want?' grinned this old man, in a fierce, -monotonous whine. 'Oh, my eyes and limbs, what do you want? Oh, -my lungs and liver, what do you want? Oh, goroo, goroo!' - -I was so much dismayed by these words, and particularly by the -repetition of the last unknown one, which was a kind of rattle in -his throat, that I could make no answer; hereupon the old man, -still holding me by the hair, repeated: - -'Oh, what do you want? Oh, my eyes and limbs, what do you want? -Oh, my lungs and liver, what do you want? Oh, goroo!' - which he -screwed out of himself, with an energy that made his eyes start in -his head. - -'I wanted to know,' I said, trembling, 'if you would buy a jacket.' - -'Oh, let's see the jacket!' cried the old man. 'Oh, my heart on -fire, show the jacket to us! Oh, my eyes and limbs, bring the -jacket out!' - -With that he took his trembling hands, which were like the claws of -a great bird, out of my hair; and put on a pair of spectacles, not -at all ornamental to his inflamed eyes. - -'Oh, how much for the jacket?' cried the old man, after examining -it. 'Oh - goroo! - how much for the jacket?' - -'Half-a-crown,' I answered, recovering myself. - -'Oh, my lungs and liver,' cried the old man, 'no! Oh, my eyes, no! -Oh, my limbs, no! Eighteenpence. Goroo!' - -Every time he uttered this ejaculation, his eyes seemed to be in -danger of starting out; and every sentence he spoke, he delivered -in a sort of tune, always exactly the same, and more like a gust of -wind, which begins low, mounts up high, and falls again, than any -other comparison I can find for it. - -'Well,' said I, glad to have closed the bargain, 'I'll take -eighteenpence.' - -'Oh, my liver!' cried the old man, throwing the jacket on a shelf. -'Get out of the shop! Oh, my lungs, get out of the shop! Oh, my -eyes and limbs - goroo! - don't ask for money; make it an -exchange.' I never was so frightened in my life, before or since; -but I told him humbly that I wanted money, and that nothing else -was of any use to me, but that I would wait for it, as he desired, -outside, and had no wish to hurry him. So I went outside, and sat -down in the shade in a corner. And I sat there so many hours, that -the shade became sunlight, and the sunlight became shade again, and -still I sat there waiting for the money. - -There never was such another drunken madman in that line of -business, I hope. That he was well known in the neighbourhood, and -enjoyed the reputation of having sold himself to the devil, I soon -understood from the visits he received from the boys, who -continually came skirmishing about the shop, shouting that legend, -and calling to him to bring out his gold. 'You ain't poor, you -know, Charley, as you pretend. Bring out your gold. Bring out -some of the gold you sold yourself to the devil for. Come! It's -in the lining of the mattress, Charley. Rip it open and let's have -some!' This, and many offers to lend him a knife for the purpose, -exasperated him to such a degree, that the whole day was a -succession of rushes on his part, and flights on the part of the -boys. Sometimes in his rage he would take me for one of them, and -come at me, mouthing as if he were going to tear me in pieces; -then, remembering me, just in time, would dive into the shop, and -lie upon his bed, as I thought from the sound of his voice, yelling -in a frantic way, to his own windy tune, the 'Death of Nelson'; -with an Oh! before every line, and innumerable Goroos interspersed. -As if this were not bad enough for me, the boys, connecting me with -the establishment, on account of the patience and perseverance with -which I sat outside, half-dressed, pelted me, and used me very ill -all day. - -He made many attempts to induce me to consent to an exchange; at -one time coming out with a fishing-rod, at another with a fiddle, -at another with a cocked hat, at another with a flute. But I -resisted all these overtures, and sat there in desperation; each -time asking him, with tears in my eyes, for my money or my jacket. -At last he began to pay me in halfpence at a time; and was full two -hours getting by easy stages to a shilling. - -'Oh, my eyes and limbs!' he then cried, peeping hideously out of -the shop, after a long pause, 'will you go for twopence more?' - -'I can't,' I said; 'I shall be starved.' - -'Oh, my lungs and liver, will you go for threepence?' - -'I would go for nothing, if I could,' I said, 'but I want the money -badly.' - -'Oh, go-roo!' (it is really impossible to express how he twisted -this ejaculation out of himself, as he peeped round the door-post -at me, showing nothing but his crafty old head); 'will you go for -fourpence?' - -I was so faint and weary that I closed with this offer; and taking -the money out of his claw, not without trembling, went away more -hungry and thirsty than I had ever been, a little before sunset. -But at an expense of threepence I soon refreshed myself completely; -and, being in better spirits then, limped seven miles upon my road. - -My bed at night was under another haystack, where I rested -comfortably, after having washed my blistered feet in a stream, and -dressed them as well as I was able, with some cool leaves. When I -took the road again next morning, I found that it lay through a -succession of hop-grounds and orchards. It was sufficiently late -in the year for the orchards to be ruddy with ripe apples; and in -a few places the hop-pickers were already at work. I thought it -all extremely beautiful, and made up my mind to sleep among the -hops that night: imagining some cheerful companionship in the long -perspectives of poles, with the graceful leaves twining round them. - -The trampers were worse than ever that day, and inspired me with a -dread that is yet quite fresh in my mind. Some of them were most -ferocious-looking ruffians, who stared at me as I went by; and -stopped, perhaps, and called after me to come back and speak to -them, and when I took to my heels, stoned me. I recollect one -young fellow - a tinker, I suppose, from his wallet and brazier - -who had a woman with him, and who faced about and stared at me -thus; and then roared to me in such a tremendous voice to come -back, that I halted and looked round. - -'Come here, when you're called,' said the tinker, 'or I'll rip your -young body open.' - -I thought it best to go back. As I drew nearer to them, trying to -propitiate the tinker by my looks, I observed that the woman had a -black eye. - -'Where are you going?' said the tinker, gripping the bosom of my -shirt with his blackened hand. - -'I am going to Dover,' I said. - -'Where do you come from?' asked the tinker, giving his hand another -turn in my shirt, to hold me more securely. - -'I come from London,' I said. - -'What lay are you upon?' asked the tinker. 'Are you a prig?' - -'N-no,' I said. - -'Ain't you, by G--? If you make a brag of your honesty to me,' -said the tinker, 'I'll knock your brains out.' - -With his disengaged hand he made a menace of striking me, and then -looked at me from head to foot. - -'Have you got the price of a pint of beer about you?' said the -tinker. 'If you have, out with it, afore I take it away!' - -I should certainly have produced it, but that I met the woman's -look, and saw her very slightly shake her head, and form 'No!' with -her lips. - -'I am very poor,' I said, attempting to smile, 'and have got no -money.' - -'Why, what do you mean?' said the tinker, looking so sternly at me, -that I almost feared he saw the money in my pocket. - -'Sir!' I stammered. - -'What do you mean,' said the tinker, 'by wearing my brother's silk -handkerchief! Give it over here!' And he had mine off my neck in -a moment, and tossed it to the woman. - -The woman burst into a fit of laughter, as if she thought this a -joke, and tossed it back to me, nodded once, as slightly as before, -and made the word 'Go!' with her lips. Before I could obey, -however, the tinker seized the handkerchief out of my hand with a -roughness that threw me away like a feather, and putting it loosely -round his own neck, turned upon the woman with an oath, and knocked -her down. I never shall forget seeing her fall backward on the -hard road, and lie there with her bonnet tumbled off, and her hair -all whitened in the dust; nor, when I looked back from a distance, -seeing her sitting on the pathway, which was a bank by the -roadside, wiping the blood from her face with a corner of her -shawl, while he went on ahead. - -This adventure frightened me so, that, afterwards, when I saw any -of these people coming, I turned back until I could find a -hiding-place, where I remained until they had gone out of sight; -which happened so often, that I was very seriously delayed. But -under this difficulty, as under all the other difficulties of my -journey, I seemed to be sustained and led on by my fanciful picture -of my mother in her youth, before I came into the world. It always -kept me company. It was there, among the hops, when I lay down to -sleep; it was with me on my waking in the morning; it went before -me all day. I have associated it, ever since, with the sunny -street of Canterbury, dozing as it were in the hot light; and with -the sight of its old houses and gateways, and the stately, grey -Cathedral, with the rooks sailing round the towers. When I came, -at last, upon the bare, wide downs near Dover, it relieved the -solitary aspect of the scene with hope; and not until I reached -that first great aim of my journey, and actually set foot in the -town itself, on the sixth day of my flight, did it desert me. But -then, strange to say, when I stood with my ragged shoes, and my -dusty, sunburnt, half-clothed figure, in the place so long desired, -it seemed to vanish like a dream, and to leave me helpless and -dispirited. - -I inquired about my aunt among the boatmen first, and received -various answers. One said she lived in the South Foreland Light, -and had singed her whiskers by doing so; another, that she was made -fast to the great buoy outside the harbour, and could only be -visited at half-tide; a third, that she was locked up in Maidstone -jail for child-stealing; a fourth, that she was seen to mount a -broom in the last high wind, and make direct for Calais. The -fly-drivers, among whom I inquired next, were equally jocose and -equally disrespectful; and the shopkeepers, not liking my -appearance, generally replied, without hearing what I had to say, -that they had got nothing for me. I felt more miserable and -destitute than I had done at any period of my running away. My -money was all gone, I had nothing left to dispose of; I was hungry, -thirsty, and worn out; and seemed as distant from my end as if I -had remained in London. - -The morning had worn away in these inquiries, and I was sitting on -the step of an empty shop at a street corner, near the -market-place, deliberating upon wandering towards those other -places which had been mentioned, when a fly-driver, coming by with -his carriage, dropped a horsecloth. Something good-natured in the -man's face, as I handed it up, encouraged me to ask him if he could -tell me where Miss Trotwood lived; though I had asked the question -so often, that it almost died upon my lips. - -'Trotwood,' said he. 'Let me see. I know the name, too. Old -lady?' - -'Yes,' I said, 'rather.' - -'Pretty stiff in the back?' said he, making himself upright. - -'Yes,' I said. 'I should think it very likely.' - -'Carries a bag?' said he - 'bag with a good deal of room in it - is -gruffish, and comes down upon you, sharp?' - -My heart sank within me as I acknowledged the undoubted accuracy of -this description. - -'Why then, I tell you what,' said he. 'If you go up there,' -pointing with his whip towards the heights, 'and keep right on till -you come to some houses facing the sea, I think you'll hear of her. -My opinion is she won't stand anything, so here's a penny for you.' - -I accepted the gift thankfully, and bought a loaf with it. -Dispatching this refreshment by the way, I went in the direction my -friend had indicated, and walked on a good distance without coming -to the houses he had mentioned. At length I saw some before me; -and approaching them, went into a little shop (it was what we used -to call a general shop, at home), and inquired if they could have -the goodness to tell me where Miss Trotwood lived. I addressed -myself to a man behind the counter, who was weighing some rice for -a young woman; but the latter, taking the inquiry to herself, -turned round quickly. - -'My mistress?' she said. 'What do you want with her, boy?' - -'I want,' I replied, 'to speak to her, if you please.' - -'To beg of her, you mean,' retorted the damsel. - -'No,' I said, 'indeed.' But suddenly remembering that in truth I -came for no other purpose, I held my peace in confusion, and felt -my face burn. - -MY aunt's handmaid, as I supposed she was from what she had said, -put her rice in a little basket and walked out of the shop; telling -me that I could follow her, if I wanted to know where Miss Trotwood -lived. I needed no second permission; though I was by this time in -such a state of consternation and agitation, that my legs shook -under me. I followed the young woman, and we soon came to a very -neat little cottage with cheerful bow-windows: in front of it, a -small square gravelled court or garden full of flowers, carefully -tended, and smelling deliciously. - -'This is Miss Trotwood's,' said the young woman. 'Now you know; -and that's all I have got to say.' With which words she hurried -into the house, as if to shake off the responsibility of my -appearance; and left me standing at the garden-gate, looking -disconsolately over the top of it towards the parlour window, where -a muslin curtain partly undrawn in the middle, a large round green -screen or fan fastened on to the windowsill, a small table, and a -great chair, suggested to me that my aunt might be at that moment -seated in awful state. - -My shoes were by this time in a woeful condition. The soles had -shed themselves bit by bit, and the upper leathers had broken and -burst until the very shape and form of shoes had departed from -them. My hat (which had served me for a night-cap, too) was so -crushed and bent, that no old battered handleless saucepan on a -dunghill need have been ashamed to vie with it. My shirt and -trousers, stained with heat, dew, grass, and the Kentish soil on -which I had slept - and torn besides - might have frightened the -birds from my aunt's garden, as I stood at the gate. My hair had -known no comb or brush since I left London. My face, neck, and -hands, from unaccustomed exposure to the air and sun, were burnt to -a berry-brown. From head to foot I was powdered almost as white -with chalk and dust, as if I had come out of a lime-kiln. In this -plight, and with a strong consciousness of it, I waited to -introduce myself to, and make my first impression on, my formidable -aunt. - -The unbroken stillness of the parlour window leading me to infer, -after a while, that she was not there, I lifted up my eyes to the -window above it, where I saw a florid, pleasant-looking gentleman, -with a grey head, who shut up one eye in a grotesque manner, nodded -his head at me several times, shook it at me as often, laughed, and -went away. - -I had been discomposed enough before; but I was so much the more -discomposed by this unexpected behaviour, that I was on the point -of slinking off, to think how I had best proceed, when there came -out of the house a lady with her handkerchief tied over her cap, -and a pair of gardening gloves on her hands, wearing a gardening -pocket like a toll-man's apron, and carrying a great knife. I knew -her immediately to be Miss Betsey, for she came stalking out of the -house exactly as my poor mother had so often described her stalking -up our garden at Blunderstone Rookery. - -'Go away!' said Miss Betsey, shaking her head, and making a distant -chop in the air with her knife. 'Go along! No boys here!' - -I watched her, with my heart at my lips, as she marched to a corner -of her garden, and stooped to dig up some little root there. Then, -without a scrap of courage, but with a great deal of desperation, -I went softly in and stood beside her, touching her with my finger. - -'If you please, ma'am,' I began. - -She started and looked up. - -'If you please, aunt.' - -'EH?' exclaimed Miss Betsey, in a tone of amazement I have never -heard approached. - -'If you please, aunt, I am your nephew.' - -'Oh, Lord!' said my aunt. And sat flat down in the garden-path. - -'I am David Copperfield, of Blunderstone, in Suffolk - where you -came, on the night when I was born, and saw my dear mama. I have -been very unhappy since she died. I have been slighted, and taught -nothing, and thrown upon myself, and put to work not fit for me. -It made me run away to you. I was robbed at first setting out, and -have walked all the way, and have never slept in a bed since I -began the journey.' Here my self-support gave way all at once; and -with a movement of my hands, intended to show her my ragged state, -and call it to witness that I had suffered something, I broke into -a passion of crying, which I suppose had been pent up within me all -the week. - -My aunt, with every sort of expression but wonder discharged from -her countenance, sat on the gravel, staring at me, until I began to -cry; when she got up in a great hurry, collared me, and took me -into the parlour. Her first proceeding there was to unlock a tall -press, bring out several bottles, and pour some of the contents of -each into my mouth. I think they must have been taken out at -random, for I am sure I tasted aniseed water, anchovy sauce, and -salad dressing. When she had administered these restoratives, as -I was still quite hysterical, and unable to control my sobs, she -put me on the sofa, with a shawl under my head, and the -handkerchief from her own head under my feet, lest I should sully -the cover; and then, sitting herself down behind the green fan or -screen I have already mentioned, so that I could not see her face, -ejaculated at intervals, 'Mercy on us!' letting those exclamations -off like minute guns. - -After a time she rang the bell. 'Janet,' said my aunt, when her -servant came in. 'Go upstairs, give my compliments to Mr. Dick, -and say I wish to speak to him.' - -Janet looked a little surprised to see me lying stiffly on the sofa -(I was afraid to move lest it should be displeasing to my aunt), -but went on her errand. My aunt, with her hands behind her, walked -up and down the room, until the gentleman who had squinted at me -from the upper window came in laughing. - -'Mr. Dick,' said my aunt, 'don't be a fool, because nobody can be -more discreet than you can, when you choose. We all know that. So -don't be a fool, whatever you are.' - -The gentleman was serious immediately, and looked at me, I thought, -as if he would entreat me to say nothing about the window. - -'Mr. Dick,' said my aunt, 'you have heard me mention David -Copperfield? Now don't pretend not to have a memory, because you -and I know better.' - -'David Copperfield?' said Mr. Dick, who did not appear to me to -remember much about it. 'David Copperfield? Oh yes, to be sure. -David, certainly.' - -'Well,' said my aunt, 'this is his boy - his son. He would be as -like his father as it's possible to be, if he was not so like his -mother, too.' - -'His son?' said Mr. Dick. 'David's son? Indeed!' - -'Yes,' pursued my aunt, 'and he has done a pretty piece of -business. He has run away. Ah! His sister, Betsey Trotwood, -never would have run away.' My aunt shook her head firmly, -confident in the character and behaviour of the girl who never was -born. - -'Oh! you think she wouldn't have run away?' said Mr. Dick. - -'Bless and save the man,' exclaimed my aunt, sharply, 'how he -talks! Don't I know she wouldn't? She would have lived with her -god-mother, and we should have been devoted to one another. Where, -in the name of wonder, should his sister, Betsey Trotwood, have run -from, or to?' - -'Nowhere,' said Mr. Dick. - -'Well then,' returned my aunt, softened by the reply, 'how can you -pretend to be wool-gathering, Dick, when you are as sharp as a -surgeon's lancet? Now, here you see young David Copperfield, and -the question I put to you is, what shall I do with him?' - -'What shall you do with him?' said Mr. Dick, feebly, scratching his -head. 'Oh! do with him?' - -'Yes,' said my aunt, with a grave look, and her forefinger held up. -'Come! I want some very sound advice.' - -'Why, if I was you,' said Mr. Dick, considering, and looking -vacantly at me, 'I should -' The contemplation of me seemed to -inspire him with a sudden idea, and he added, briskly, 'I should -wash him!' - -'Janet,' said my aunt, turning round with a quiet triumph, which I -did not then understand, 'Mr. Dick sets us all right. Heat the -bath!' - -Although I was deeply interested in this dialogue, I could not help -observing my aunt, Mr. Dick, and Janet, while it was in progress, -and completing a survey I had already been engaged in making of the -room. - -MY aunt was a tall, hard-featured lady, but by no means -ill-looking. There was an inflexibility in her face, in her voice, -in her gait and carriage, amply sufficient to account for the -effect she had made upon a gentle creature like my mother; but her -features were rather handsome than otherwise, though unbending and -austere. I particularly noticed that she had a very quick, bright -eye. Her hair, which was grey, was arranged in two plain -divisions, under what I believe would be called a mob-cap; I mean -a cap, much more common then than now, with side-pieces fastening -under the chin. Her dress was of a lavender colour, and perfectly -neat; but scantily made, as if she desired to be as little -encumbered as possible. I remember that I thought it, in form, -more like a riding-habit with the superfluous skirt cut off, than -anything else. She wore at her side a gentleman's gold watch, if -I might judge from its size and make, with an appropriate chain and -seals; she had some linen at her throat not unlike a shirt-collar, -and things at her wrists like little shirt-wristbands. - -Mr. Dick, as I have already said, was grey-headed, and florid: I -should have said all about him, in saying so, had not his head been -curiously bowed - not by age; it reminded me of one of Mr. -Creakle's boys' heads after a beating - and his grey eyes prominent -and large, with a strange kind of watery brightness in them that -made me, in combination with his vacant manner, his submission to -my aunt, and his childish delight when she praised him, suspect him -of being a little mad; though, if he were mad, how he came to be -there puzzled me extremely. He was dressed like any other ordinary -gentleman, in a loose grey morning coat and waistcoat, and white -trousers; and had his watch in his fob, and his money in his -pockets: which he rattled as if he were very proud of it. - -Janet was a pretty blooming girl, of about nineteen or twenty, and -a perfect picture of neatness. Though I made no further -observation of her at the moment, I may mention here what I did not -discover until afterwards, namely, that she was one of a series of -protegees whom my aunt had taken into her service expressly to -educate in a renouncement of mankind, and who had generally -completed their abjuration by marrying the baker. - -The room was as neat as Janet or my aunt. As I laid down my pen, -a moment since, to think of it, the air from the sea came blowing -in again, mixed with the perfume of the flowers; and I saw the -old-fashioned furniture brightly rubbed and polished, my aunt's -inviolable chair and table by the round green fan in the -bow-window, the drugget-covered carpet, the cat, the kettle-holder, -the two canaries, the old china, the punchbowl full of dried -rose-leaves, the tall press guarding all sorts of bottles and pots, -and, wonderfully out of keeping with the rest, my dusty self upon -the sofa, taking note of everything. - -Janet had gone away to get the bath ready, when my aunt, to my -great alarm, became in one moment rigid with indignation, and had -hardly voice to cry out, 'Janet! Donkeys!' - -Upon which, Janet came running up the stairs as if the house were -in flames, darted out on a little piece of green in front, and -warned off two saddle-donkeys, lady-ridden, that had presumed to -set hoof upon it; while my aunt, rushing out of the house, seized -the bridle of a third animal laden with a bestriding child, turned -him, led him forth from those sacred precincts, and boxed the ears -of the unlucky urchin in attendance who had dared to profane that -hallowed ground. - -To this hour I don't know whether my aunt had any lawful right of -way over that patch of green; but she had settled it in her own -mind that she had, and it was all the same to her. The one great -outrage of her life, demanding to be constantly avenged, was the -passage of a donkey over that immaculate spot. In whatever -occupation she was engaged, however interesting to her the -conversation in which she was taking part, a donkey turned the -current of her ideas in a moment, and she was upon him straight. -Jugs of water, and watering-pots, were kept in secret places ready -to be discharged on the offending boys; sticks were laid in ambush -behind the door; sallies were made at all hours; and incessant war -prevailed. Perhaps this was an agreeable excitement to the -donkey-boys; or perhaps the more sagacious of the donkeys, -understanding how the case stood, delighted with constitutional -obstinacy in coming that way. I only know that there were three -alarms before the bath was ready; and that on the occasion of the -last and most desperate of all, I saw my aunt engage, -single-handed, with a sandy-headed lad of fifteen, and bump his -sandy head against her own gate, before he seemed to comprehend -what was the matter. These interruptions were of the more -ridiculous to me, because she was giving me broth out of a -table-spoon at the time (having firmly persuaded herself that I was -actually starving, and must receive nourishment at first in very -small quantities), and, while my mouth was yet open to receive the -spoon, she would put it back into the basin, cry 'Janet! Donkeys!' -and go out to the assault. - -The bath was a great comfort. For I began to be sensible of acute -pains in my limbs from lying out in the fields, and was now so -tired and low that I could hardly keep myself awake for five -minutes together. When I had bathed, they (I mean my aunt and -Janet) enrobed me in a shirt and a pair of trousers belonging to -Mr. Dick, and tied me up in two or three great shawls. What sort -of bundle I looked like, I don't know, but I felt a very hot one. -Feeling also very faint and drowsy, I soon lay down on the sofa -again and fell asleep. - -It might have been a dream, originating in the fancy which had -occupied my mind so long, but I awoke with the impression that my -aunt had come and bent over me, and had put my hair away from my -face, and laid my head more comfortably, and had then stood looking -at me. The words, 'Pretty fellow,' or 'Poor fellow,' seemed to be -in my ears, too; but certainly there was nothing else, when I -awoke, to lead me to believe that they had been uttered by my aunt, -who sat in the bow-window gazing at the sea from behind the green -fan, which was mounted on a kind of swivel, and turned any way. - -We dined soon after I awoke, off a roast fowl and a pudding; I -sitting at table, not unlike a trussed bird myself, and moving my -arms with considerable difficulty. But as my aunt had swathed me -up, I made no complaint of being inconvenienced. All this time I -was deeply anxious to know what she was going to do with me; but -she took her dinner in profound silence, except when she -occasionally fixed her eyes on me sitting opposite, and said, -'Mercy upon us!' which did not by any means relieve my anxiety. - -The cloth being drawn, and some sherry put upon the table (of which -I had a glass), my aunt sent up for Mr. Dick again, who joined us, -and looked as wise as he could when she requested him to attend to -my story, which she elicited from me, gradually, by a course of -questions. During my recital, she kept her eyes on Mr. Dick, who -I thought would have gone to sleep but for that, and who, -whensoever he lapsed into a smile, was checked by a frown from my -aunt. - -'Whatever possessed that poor unfortunate Baby, that she must go -and be married again,' said my aunt, when I had finished, 'I can't -conceive.' - -'Perhaps she fell in love with her second husband,' Mr. Dick -suggested. - -'Fell in love!' repeated my aunt. 'What do you mean? What -business had she to do it?' - -'Perhaps,' Mr. Dick simpered, after thinking a little, 'she did it -for pleasure.' - -'Pleasure, indeed!' replied my aunt. 'A mighty pleasure for the -poor Baby to fix her simple faith upon any dog of a fellow, certain -to ill-use her in some way or other. What did she propose to -herself, I should like to know! She had had one husband. She had -seen David Copperfield out of the world, who was always running -after wax dolls from his cradle. She had got a baby - oh, there -were a pair of babies when she gave birth to this child sitting -here, that Friday night! - and what more did she want?' - -Mr. Dick secretly shook his head at me, as if he thought there was -no getting over this. - -'She couldn't even have a baby like anybody else,' said my aunt. -'Where was this child's sister, Betsey Trotwood? Not forthcoming. -Don't tell me!' - -Mr. Dick seemed quite frightened. - -'That little man of a doctor, with his head on one side,' said my -aunt, 'Jellips, or whatever his name was, what was he about? All -he could do, was to say to me, like a robin redbreast - as he is - -"It's a boy." A boy! Yah, the imbecility of the whole set of -'em!' - -The heartiness of the ejaculation startled Mr. Dick exceedingly; -and me, too, if I am to tell the truth. - -'And then, as if this was not enough, and she had not stood -sufficiently in the light of this child's sister, Betsey Trotwood,' -said my aunt, 'she marries a second time - goes and marries a -Murderer - or a man with a name like it - and stands in THIS -child's light! And the natural consequence is, as anybody but a -baby might have foreseen, that he prowls and wanders. He's as like -Cain before he was grown up, as he can be.' - -Mr. Dick looked hard at me, as if to identify me in this character. - -'And then there's that woman with the Pagan name,' said my aunt, -'that Peggotty, she goes and gets married next. Because she has -not seen enough of the evil attending such things, she goes and -gets married next, as the child relates. I only hope,' said my -aunt, shaking her head, 'that her husband is one of those Poker -husbands who abound in the newspapers, and will beat her well with -one.' - -I could not bear to hear my old nurse so decried, and made the -subject of such a wish. I told my aunt that indeed she was -mistaken. That Peggotty was the best, the truest, the most -faithful, most devoted, and most self-denying friend and servant in -the world; who had ever loved me dearly, who had ever loved my -mother dearly; who had held my mother's dying head upon her arm, on -whose face my mother had imprinted her last grateful kiss. And my -remembrance of them both, choking me, I broke down as I was trying -to say that her home was my home, and that all she had was mine, -and that I would have gone to her for shelter, but for her humble -station, which made me fear that I might bring some trouble on her -- I broke down, I say, as I was trying to say so, and laid my face -in my hands upon the table. - -'Well, well!' said my aunt, 'the child is right to stand by those -who have stood by him - Janet! Donkeys!' - -I thoroughly believe that but for those unfortunate donkeys, we -should have come to a good understanding; for my aunt had laid her -hand on my shoulder, and the impulse was upon me, thus emboldened, -to embrace her and beseech her protection. But the interruption, -and the disorder she was thrown into by the struggle outside, put -an end to all softer ideas for the present, and kept my aunt -indignantly declaiming to Mr. Dick about her determination to -appeal for redress to the laws of her country, and to bring actions -for trespass against the whole donkey proprietorship of Dover, -until tea-time. - -After tea, we sat at the window - on the look-out, as I imagined, -from my aunt's sharp expression of face, for more invaders - until -dusk, when Janet set candles, and a backgammon-board, on the table, -and pulled down the blinds. - -'Now, Mr. Dick,' said my aunt, with her grave look, and her -forefinger up as before, 'I am going to ask you another question. -Look at this child.' - -'David's son?' said Mr. Dick, with an attentive, puzzled face. - -'Exactly so,' returned my aunt. 'What would you do with him, now?' - -'Do with David's son?' said Mr. Dick. - -'Ay,' replied my aunt, 'with David's son.' - -'Oh!' said Mr. Dick. 'Yes. Do with - I should put him to bed.' - -'Janet!' cried my aunt, with the same complacent triumph that I had -remarked before. 'Mr. Dick sets us all right. If the bed is -ready, we'll take him up to it.' - -Janet reporting it to be quite ready, I was taken up to it; kindly, -but in some sort like a prisoner; my aunt going in front and Janet -bringing up the rear. The only circumstance which gave me any new -hope, was my aunt's stopping on the stairs to inquire about a smell -of fire that was prevalent there; and janet's replying that she had -been making tinder down in the kitchen, of my old shirt. But there -were no other clothes in my room than the odd heap of things I -wore; and when I was left there, with a little taper which my aunt -forewarned me would burn exactly five minutes, I heard them lock my -door on the outside. Turning these things over in my mind I deemed -it possible that my aunt, who could know nothing of me, might -suspect I had a habit of running away, and took precautions, on -that account, to have me in safe keeping. - -The room was a pleasant one, at the top of the house, overlooking -the sea, on which the moon was shining brilliantly. After I had -said my prayers, and the candle had burnt out, I remember how I -still sat looking at the moonlight on the water, as if I could hope -to read my fortune in it, as in a bright book; or to see my mother -with her child, coming from Heaven, along that shining path, to -look upon me as she had looked when I last saw her sweet face. I -remember how the solemn feeling with which at length I turned my -eyes away, yielded to the sensation of gratitude and rest which the -sight of the white-curtained bed - and how much more the lying -softly down upon it, nestling in the snow-white sheets! - inspired. -I remember how I thought of all the solitary places under the night -sky where I had slept, and how I prayed that I never might be -houseless any more, and never might forget the houseless. I -remember how I seemed to float, then, down the melancholy glory of -that track upon the sea, away into the world of dreams. - - - -CHAPTER 14 -MY AUNT MAKES UP HER MIND ABOUT ME - - -On going down in the morning, I found my aunt musing so profoundly -over the breakfast table, with her elbow on the tray, that the -contents of the urn had overflowed the teapot and were laying the -whole table-cloth under water, when my entrance put her meditations -to flight. I felt sure that I had been the subject of her -reflections, and was more than ever anxious to know her intentions -towards me. Yet I dared not express my anxiety, lest it should -give her offence. - -My eyes, however, not being so much under control as my tongue, -were attracted towards my aunt very often during breakfast. I -never could look at her for a few moments together but I found her -looking at me - in an odd thoughtful manner, as if I were an -immense way off, instead of being on the other side of the small -round table. When she had finished her breakfast, my aunt very -deliberately leaned back in her chair, knitted her brows, folded -her arms, and contemplated me at her leisure, with such a fixedness -of attention that I was quite overpowered by embarrassment. Not -having as yet finished my own breakfast, I attempted to hide my -confusion by proceeding with it; but my knife tumbled over my fork, -my fork tripped up my knife, I chipped bits of bacon a surprising -height into the air instead of cutting them for my own eating, and -choked myself with my tea, which persisted in going the wrong way -instead of the right one, until I gave in altogether, and sat -blushing under my aunt's close scrutiny. - -'Hallo!' said my aunt, after a long time. - -I looked up, and met her sharp bright glance respectfully. - -'I have written to him,' said my aunt. - -'To -?' - -'To your father-in-law,' said my aunt. 'I have sent him a letter -that I'll trouble him to attend to, or he and I will fall out, I -can tell him!' - -'Does he know where I am, aunt?' I inquired, alarmed. - -'I have told him,' said my aunt, with a nod. - -'Shall I - be - given up to him?' I faltered. - -'I don't know,' said my aunt. 'We shall see.' - -'Oh! I can't think what I shall do,' I exclaimed, 'if I have to go -back to Mr. Murdstone!' - -'I don't know anything about it,' said my aunt, shaking her head. -'I can't say, I am sure. We shall see.' - -My spirits sank under these words, and I became very downcast and -heavy of heart. My aunt, without appearing to take much heed of -me, put on a coarse apron with a bib, which she took out of the -press; washed up the teacups with her own hands; and, when -everything was washed and set in the tray again, and the cloth -folded and put on the top of the whole, rang for Janet to remove -it. She next swept up the crumbs with a little broom (putting on -a pair of gloves first), until there did not appear to be one -microscopic speck left on the carpet; next dusted and arranged the -room, which was dusted and arranged to a hair's breadth already. -When all these tasks were performed to her satisfaction, she took -off the gloves and apron, folded them up, put them in the -particular corner of the press from which they had been taken, -brought out her work-box to her own table in the open window, and -sat down, with the green fan between her and the light, to work. - -'I wish you'd go upstairs,' said my aunt, as she threaded her -needle, 'and give my compliments to Mr. Dick, and I'll be glad to -know how he gets on with his Memorial.' - -I rose with all alacrity, to acquit myself of this commission. - -'I suppose,' said my aunt, eyeing me as narrowly as she had eyed -the needle in threading it, 'you think Mr. Dick a short name, eh?' - -'I thought it was rather a short name, yesterday,' I confessed. - -'You are not to suppose that he hasn't got a longer name, if he -chose to use it,' said my aunt, with a loftier air. 'Babley - Mr. -Richard Babley - that's the gentleman's true name.' - -I was going to suggest, with a modest sense of my youth and the -familiarity I had been already guilty of, that I had better give -him the full benefit of that name, when my aunt went on to say: - -'But don't you call him by it, whatever you do. He can't bear his -name. That's a peculiarity of his. Though I don't know that it's -much of a peculiarity, either; for he has been ill-used enough, by -some that bear it, to have a mortal antipathy for it, Heaven knows. -Mr. Dick is his name here, and everywhere else, now - if he ever -went anywhere else, which he don't. So take care, child, you don't -call him anything BUT Mr. Dick.' - -I promised to obey, and went upstairs with my message; thinking, as -I went, that if Mr. Dick had been working at his Memorial long, at -the same rate as I had seen him working at it, through the open -door, when I came down, he was probably getting on very well -indeed. I found him still driving at it with a long pen, and his -head almost laid upon the paper. He was so intent upon it, that I -had ample leisure to observe the large paper kite in a corner, the -confusion of bundles of manuscript, the number of pens, and, above -all, the quantity of ink (which he seemed to have in, in -half-gallon jars by the dozen), before he observed my being -present. - -'Ha! Phoebus!' said Mr. Dick, laying down his pen. 'How does the -world go? I'll tell you what,' he added, in a lower tone, 'I -shouldn't wish it to be mentioned, but it's a -' here he beckoned -to me, and put his lips close to my ear - 'it's a mad world. Mad -as Bedlam, boy!' said Mr. Dick, taking snuff from a round box on -the table, and laughing heartily. - -Without presuming to give my opinion on this question, I delivered -my message. - -'Well,' said Mr. Dick, in answer, 'my compliments to her, and I - -I believe I have made a start. I think I have made a start,' said -Mr. Dick, passing his hand among his grey hair, and casting -anything but a confident look at his manuscript. 'You have been to -school?' - -'Yes, sir,' I answered; 'for a short time.' - -'Do you recollect the date,' said Mr. Dick, looking earnestly at -me, and taking up his pen to note it down, 'when King Charles the -First had his head cut off?' -I said I believed it happened in the year sixteen hundred and -forty-nine. - -'Well,' returned Mr. Dick, scratching his ear with his pen, and -looking dubiously at me. 'So the books say; but I don't see how -that can be. Because, if it was so long ago, how could the people -about him have made that mistake of putting some of the trouble out -of his head, after it was taken off, into mine?' - -I was very much surprised by the inquiry; but could give no -information on this point. - -'It's very strange,' said Mr. Dick, with a despondent look upon his -papers, and with his hand among his hair again, 'that I never can -get that quite right. I never can make that perfectly clear. But -no matter, no matter!' he said cheerfully, and rousing himself, -'there's time enough! My compliments to Miss Trotwood, I am -getting on very well indeed.' - -I was going away, when he directed my attention to the kite. - -'What do you think of that for a kite?' he said. - -I answered that it was a beautiful one. I should think it must -have been as much as seven feet high. - -'I made it. We'll go and fly it, you and I,' said Mr. Dick. 'Do -you see this?' - -He showed me that it was covered with manuscript, very closely and -laboriously written; but so plainly, that as I looked along the -lines, I thought I saw some allusion to King Charles the First's -head again, in one or two places. - -'There's plenty of string,' said Mr. Dick, 'and when it flies high, -it takes the facts a long way. That's my manner of diffusing 'em. -I don't know where they may come down. It's according to -circumstances, and the wind, and so forth; but I take my chance of -that.' - -His face was so very mild and pleasant, and had something so -reverend in it, though it was hale and hearty, that I was not sure -but that he was having a good-humoured jest with me. So I laughed, -and he laughed, and we parted the best friends possible. - -'Well, child,' said my aunt, when I went downstairs. 'And what of -Mr. Dick, this morning?' - -I informed her that he sent his compliments, and was getting on -very well indeed. - -'What do you think of him?' said my aunt. - -I had some shadowy idea of endeavouring to evade the question, by -replying that I thought him a very nice gentleman; but my aunt was -not to be so put off, for she laid her work down in her lap, and -said, folding her hands upon it: - -'Come! Your sister Betsey Trotwood would have told me what she -thought of anyone, directly. Be as like your sister as you can, -and speak out!' - -'Is he - is Mr. Dick - I ask because I don't know, aunt - is he at -all out of his mind, then?' I stammered; for I felt I was on -dangerous ground. - -'Not a morsel,' said my aunt. - -'Oh, indeed!' I observed faintly. - -'If there is anything in the world,' said my aunt, with great -decision and force of manner, 'that Mr. Dick is not, it's that.' - -I had nothing better to offer, than another timid, 'Oh, indeed!' - -'He has been CALLED mad,' said my aunt. 'I have a selfish pleasure -in saying he has been called mad, or I should not have had the -benefit of his society and advice for these last ten years and -upwards - in fact, ever since your sister, Betsey Trotwood, -disappointed me.' - -'So long as that?' I said. - -'And nice people they were, who had the audacity to call him mad,' -pursued my aunt. 'Mr. Dick is a sort of distant connexion of mine -- it doesn't matter how; I needn't enter into that. If it hadn't -been for me, his own brother would have shut him up for life. -That's all.' - -I am afraid it was hypocritical in me, but seeing that my aunt felt -strongly on the subject, I tried to look as if I felt strongly too. - -'A proud fool!' said my aunt. 'Because his brother was a little -eccentric - though he is not half so eccentric as a good many -people - he didn't like to have him visible about his house, and -sent him away to some private asylum-place: though he had been left -to his particular care by their deceased father, who thought him -almost a natural. And a wise man he must have been to think so! -Mad himself, no doubt.' - -Again, as my aunt looked quite convinced, I endeavoured to look -quite convinced also. - -'So I stepped in,' said my aunt, 'and made him an offer. I said, -"Your brother's sane - a great deal more sane than you are, or ever -will be, it is to be hoped. Let him have his little income, and -come and live with me. I am not afraid of him, I am not proud, I -am ready to take care of him, and shall not ill-treat him as some -people (besides the asylum-folks) have done." After a good deal of -squabbling,' said my aunt, 'I got him; and he has been here ever -since. He is the most friendly and amenable creature in existence; -and as for advice! - But nobody knows what that man's mind is, -except myself.' - -My aunt smoothed her dress and shook her head, as if she smoothed -defiance of the whole world out of the one, and shook it out of the -other. - -'He had a favourite sister,' said my aunt, 'a good creature, and -very kind to him. But she did what they all do - took a husband. -And HE did what they all do - made her wretched. It had such an -effect upon the mind of Mr. Dick (that's not madness, I hope!) -that, combined with his fear of his brother, and his sense of his -unkindness, it threw him into a fever. That was before he came to -me, but the recollection of it is oppressive to him even now. Did -he say anything to you about King Charles the First, child?' - -'Yes, aunt.' - -'Ah!' said my aunt, rubbing her nose as if she were a little vexed. -'That's his allegorical way of expressing it. He connects his -illness with great disturbance and agitation, naturally, and that's -the figure, or the simile, or whatever it's called, which he -chooses to use. And why shouldn't he, if he thinks proper!' - -I said: 'Certainly, aunt.' - -'It's not a business-like way of speaking,' said my aunt, 'nor a -worldly way. I am aware of that; and that's the reason why I -insist upon it, that there shan't be a word about it in his -Memorial.' - -'Is it a Memorial about his own history that he is writing, aunt?' - -'Yes, child,' said my aunt, rubbing her nose again. 'He is -memorializing the Lord Chancellor, or the Lord Somebody or other - -one of those people, at all events, who are paid to be memorialized -- about his affairs. I suppose it will go in, one of these days. -He hasn't been able to draw it up yet, without introducing that -mode of expressing himself; but it don't signify; it keeps him -employed.' - -In fact, I found out afterwards that Mr. Dick had been for upwards -of ten years endeavouring to keep King Charles the First out of the -Memorial; but he had been constantly getting into it, and was there -now. - -'I say again,' said my aunt, 'nobody knows what that man's mind is -except myself; and he's the most amenable and friendly creature in -existence. If he likes to fly a kite sometimes, what of that! -Franklin used to fly a kite. He was a Quaker, or something of that -sort, if I am not mistaken. And a Quaker flying a kite is a much -more ridiculous object than anybody else.' - -If I could have supposed that my aunt had recounted these -particulars for my especial behoof, and as a piece of confidence in -me, I should have felt very much distinguished, and should have -augured favourably from such a mark of her good opinion. But I -could hardly help observing that she had launched into them, -chiefly because the question was raised in her own mind, and with -very little reference to me, though she had addressed herself to me -in the absence of anybody else. - -At the same time, I must say that the generosity of her -championship of poor harmless Mr. Dick, not only inspired my young -breast with some selfish hope for myself, but warmed it unselfishly -towards her. I believe that I began to know that there was -something about my aunt, notwithstanding her many eccentricities -and odd humours, to be honoured and trusted in. Though she was -just as sharp that day as on the day before, and was in and out -about the donkeys just as often, and was thrown into a tremendous -state of indignation, when a young man, going by, ogled Janet at a -window (which was one of the gravest misdemeanours that could be -committed against my aunt's dignity), she seemed to me to command -more of my respect, if not less of my fear. - -The anxiety I underwent, in the interval which necessarily elapsed -before a reply could be received to her letter to Mr. Murdstone, -was extreme; but I made an endeavour to suppress it, and to be as -agreeable as I could in a quiet way, both to my aunt and Mr. Dick. -The latter and I would have gone out to fly the great kite; but -that I had still no other clothes than the anything but ornamental -garments with which I had been decorated on the first day, and -which confined me to the house, except for an hour after dark, when -my aunt, for my health's sake, paraded me up and down on the cliff -outside, before going to bed. At length the reply from Mr. -Murdstone came, and my aunt informed me, to my infinite terror, -that he was coming to speak to her herself on the next day. On the -next day, still bundled up in my curious habiliments, I sat -counting the time, flushed and heated by the conflict of sinking -hopes and rising fears within me; and waiting to be startled by the -sight of the gloomy face, whose non-arrival startled me every -minute. - -MY aunt was a little more imperious and stern than usual, but I -observed no other token of her preparing herself to receive the -visitor so much dreaded by me. She sat at work in the window, and -I sat by, with my thoughts running astray on all possible and -impossible results of Mr. Murdstone's visit, until pretty late in -the afternoon. Our dinner had been indefinitely postponed; but it -was growing so late, that my aunt had ordered it to be got ready, -when she gave a sudden alarm of donkeys, and to my consternation -and amazement, I beheld Miss Murdstone, on a side-saddle, ride -deliberately over the sacred piece of green, and stop in front of -the house, looking about her. - -'Go along with you!' cried my aunt, shaking her head and her fist -at the window. 'You have no business there. How dare you -trespass? Go along! Oh! you bold-faced thing!' - -MY aunt was so exasperated by the coolness with which Miss -Murdstone looked about her, that I really believe she was -motionless, and unable for the moment to dart out according to -custom. I seized the opportunity to inform her who it was; and -that the gentleman now coming near the offender (for the way up was -very steep, and he had dropped behind), was Mr. Murdstone himself. - -'I don't care who it is!' cried my aunt, still shaking her head and -gesticulating anything but welcome from the bow-window. 'I won't -be trespassed upon. I won't allow it. Go away! Janet, turn him -round. Lead him off!' and I saw, from behind my aunt, a sort of -hurried battle-piece, in which the donkey stood resisting -everybody, with all his four legs planted different ways, while -Janet tried to pull him round by the bridle, Mr. Murdstone tried to -lead him on, Miss Murdstone struck at Janet with a parasol, and -several boys, who had come to see the engagement, shouted -vigorously. But my aunt, suddenly descrying among them the young -malefactor who was the donkey's guardian, and who was one of the -most inveterate offenders against her, though hardly in his teens, -rushed out to the scene of action, pounced upon him, captured him, -dragged him, with his jacket over his head, and his heels grinding -the ground, into the garden, and, calling upon Janet to fetch the -constables and justices, that he might be taken, tried, and -executed on the spot, held him at bay there. This part of the -business, however, did not last long; for the young rascal, being -expert at a variety of feints and dodges, of which my aunt had no -conception, soon went whooping away, leaving some deep impressions -of his nailed boots in the flower-beds, and taking his donkey in -triumph with him. - -Miss Murdstone, during the latter portion of the contest, had -dismounted, and was now waiting with her brother at the bottom of -the steps, until my aunt should be at leisure to receive them. My -aunt, a little ruffled by the combat, marched past them into the -house, with great dignity, and took no notice of their presence, -until they were announced by Janet. - -'Shall I go away, aunt?' I asked, trembling. - -'No, sir,' said my aunt. 'Certainly not!' With which she pushed -me into a corner near her, and fenced Me in with a chair, as if it -were a prison or a bar of justice. This position I continued to -occupy during the whole interview, and from it I now saw Mr. and -Miss Murdstone enter the room. - -'Oh!' said my aunt, 'I was not aware at first to whom I had the -pleasure of objecting. But I don't allow anybody to ride over that -turf. I make no exceptions. I don't allow anybody to do it.' - -'Your regulation is rather awkward to strangers,' said Miss -Murdstone. - -'Is it!' said my aunt. - -Mr. Murdstone seemed afraid of a renewal of hostilities, and -interposing began: - -'Miss Trotwood!' - -'I beg your pardon,' observed my aunt with a keen look. 'You are -the Mr. Murdstone who married the widow of my late nephew, David -Copperfield, of Blunderstone Rookery! - Though why Rookery, I don't -know!' - -'I am,' said Mr. Murdstone. - -'You'll excuse my saying, sir,' returned my aunt, 'that I think it -would have been a much better and happier thing if you had left -that poor child alone.' - -'I so far agree with what Miss Trotwood has remarked,' observed -Miss Murdstone, bridling, 'that I consider our lamented Clara to -have been, in all essential respects, a mere child.' - -'It is a comfort to you and me, ma'am,' said my aunt, 'who are -getting on in life, and are not likely to be made unhappy by our -personal attractions, that nobody can say the same of us.' - -'No doubt!' returned Miss Murdstone, though, I thought, not with a -very ready or gracious assent. 'And it certainly might have been, -as you say, a better and happier thing for my brother if he had -never entered into such a marriage. I have always been of that -opinion.' - -'I have no doubt you have,' said my aunt. 'Janet,' ringing the -bell, 'my compliments to Mr. Dick, and beg him to come down.' - -Until he came, my aunt sat perfectly upright and stiff, frowning at -the wall. When he came, my aunt performed the ceremony of -introduction. - -'Mr. Dick. An old and intimate friend. On whose judgement,' said -my aunt, with emphasis, as an admonition to Mr. Dick, who was -biting his forefinger and looking rather foolish, 'I rely.' - -Mr. Dick took his finger out of his mouth, on this hint, and stood -among the group, with a grave and attentive expression of face. - -My aunt inclined her head to Mr. Murdstone, who went on: - -'Miss Trotwood: on the receipt of your letter, I considered it an -act of greater justice to myself, and perhaps of more respect to -you-' - -'Thank you,' said my aunt, still eyeing him keenly. 'You needn't -mind me.' - -'To answer it in person, however inconvenient the journey,' pursued -Mr. Murdstone, 'rather than by letter. This unhappy boy who has -run away from his friends and his occupation -' - -'And whose appearance,' interposed his sister, directing general -attention to me in my indefinable costume, 'is perfectly scandalous -and disgraceful.' - -'Jane Murdstone,' said her brother, 'have the goodness not to -interrupt me. This unhappy boy, Miss Trotwood, has been the -occasion of much domestic trouble and uneasiness; both during the -lifetime of my late dear wife, and since. He has a sullen, -rebellious spirit; a violent temper; and an untoward, intractable -disposition. Both my sister and myself have endeavoured to correct -his vices, but ineffectually. And I have felt - we both have felt, -I may say; my sister being fully in my confidence - that it is -right you should receive this grave and dispassionate assurance -from our lips.' - -'It can hardly be necessary for me to confirm anything stated by my -brother,' said Miss Murdstone; 'but I beg to observe, that, of all -the boys in the world, I believe this is the worst boy.' - -'Strong!' said my aunt, shortly. - -'But not at all too strong for the facts,' returned Miss Murdstone. - -'Ha!' said my aunt. 'Well, sir?' - -'I have my own opinions,' resumed Mr. Murdstone, whose face -darkened more and more, the more he and my aunt observed each -other, which they did very narrowly, 'as to the best mode of -bringing him up; they are founded, in part, on my knowledge of him, -and in part on my knowledge of my own means and resources. I am -responsible for them to myself, I act upon them, and I say no more -about them. It is enough that I place this boy under the eye of a -friend of my own, in a respectable business; that it does not -please him; that he runs away from it; makes himself a common -vagabond about the country; and comes here, in rags, to appeal to -you, Miss Trotwood. I wish to set before you, honourably, the -exact consequences - so far as they are within my knowledge - of -your abetting him in this appeal.' - -'But about the respectable business first,' said my aunt. 'If he -had been your own boy, you would have put him to it, just the same, -I suppose?' - -'If he had been my brother's own boy,' returned Miss Murdstone, -striking in, 'his character, I trust, would have been altogether -different.' - -'Or if the poor child, his mother, had been alive, he would still -have gone into the respectable business, would he?' said my aunt. - -'I believe,' said Mr. Murdstone, with an inclination of his head, -'that Clara would have disputed nothing which myself and my sister -Jane Murdstone were agreed was for the best.' - -Miss Murdstone confirmed this with an audible murmur. - -'Humph!' said my aunt. 'Unfortunate baby!' - -Mr. Dick, who had been rattling his money all this time, was -rattling it so loudly now, that my aunt felt it necessary to check -him with a look, before saying: - -'The poor child's annuity died with her?' - -'Died with her,' replied Mr. Murdstone. - -'And there was no settlement of the little property - the house and -garden - the what's-its-name Rookery without any rooks in it - upon -her boy?' - -'It had been left to her, unconditionally, by her first husband,' -Mr. Murdstone began, when my aunt caught him up with the greatest -irascibility and impatience. - -'Good Lord, man, there's no occasion to say that. Left to her -unconditionally! I think I see David Copperfield looking forward -to any condition of any sort or kind, though it stared him -point-blank in the face! Of course it was left to her -unconditionally. But when she married again - when she took that -most disastrous step of marrying you, in short,' said my aunt, 'to -be plain - did no one put in a word for the boy at that time?' - -'My late wife loved her second husband, ma'am,' said Mr. Murdstone, -'and trusted implicitly in him.' - -'Your late wife, sir, was a most unworldly, most unhappy, most -unfortunate baby,' returned my aunt, shaking her head at him. -'That's what she was. And now, what have you got to say next?' - -'Merely this, Miss Trotwood,' he returned. 'I am here to take -David back - to take him back unconditionally, to dispose of him as -I think proper, and to deal with him as I think right. I am not -here to make any promise, or give any pledge to anybody. You may -possibly have some idea, Miss Trotwood, of abetting him in his -running away, and in his complaints to you. Your manner, which I -must say does not seem intended to propitiate, induces me to think -it possible. Now I must caution you that if you abet him once, you -abet him for good and all; if you step in between him and me, now, -you must step in, Miss Trotwood, for ever. I cannot trifle, or be -trifled with. I am here, for the first and last time, to take him -away. Is he ready to go? If he is not - and you tell me he is -not; on any pretence; it is indifferent to me what - my doors are -shut against him henceforth, and yours, I take it for granted, are -open to him.' - -To this address, my aunt had listened with the closest attention, -sitting perfectly upright, with her hands folded on one knee, and -looking grimly on the speaker. When he had finished, she turned -her eyes so as to command Miss Murdstone, without otherwise -disturbing her attitude, and said: - -'Well, ma'am, have YOU got anything to remark?' - -'Indeed, Miss Trotwood,' said Miss Murdstone, 'all that I could say -has been so well said by my brother, and all that I know to be the -fact has been so plainly stated by him, that I have nothing to add -except my thanks for your politeness. For your very great -politeness, I am sure,' said Miss Murdstone; with an irony which no -more affected my aunt, than it discomposed the cannon I had slept -by at Chatham. - -'And what does the boy say?' said my aunt. 'Are you ready to go, -David?' - -I answered no, and entreated her not to let me go. I said that -neither Mr. nor Miss Murdstone had ever liked me, or had ever been -kind to me. That they had made my mama, who always loved me -dearly, unhappy about me, and that I knew it well, and that -Peggotty knew it. I said that I had been more miserable than I -thought anybody could believe, who only knew how young I was. And -I begged and prayed my aunt - I forget in what terms now, but I -remember that they affected me very much then - to befriend and -protect me, for my father's sake. - -'Mr. Dick,' said my aunt, 'what shall I do with this child?' - -Mr. Dick considered, hesitated, brightened, and rejoined, 'Have him -measured for a suit of clothes directly.' - -'Mr. Dick,' said my aunt triumphantly, 'give me your hand, for your -common sense is invaluable.' Having shaken it with great -cordiality, she pulled me towards her and said to Mr. Murdstone: - -'You can go when you like; I'll take my chance with the boy. If -he's all you say he is, at least I can do as much for him then, as -you have done. But I don't believe a word of it.' - -'Miss Trotwood,' rejoined Mr. Murdstone, shrugging his shoulders, -as he rose, 'if you were a gentleman -' - -'Bah! Stuff and nonsense!' said my aunt. 'Don't talk to me!' - -'How exquisitely polite!' exclaimed Miss Murdstone, rising. -'Overpowering, really!' - -'Do you think I don't know,' said my aunt, turning a deaf ear to -the sister, and continuing to address the brother, and to shake her -head at him with infinite expression, 'what kind of life you must -have led that poor, unhappy, misdirected baby? Do you think I -don't know what a woeful day it was for the soft little creature -when you first came in her way - smirking and making great eyes at -her, I'll be bound, as if you couldn't say boh! to a goose!' - -'I never heard anything so elegant!' said Miss Murdstone. - -'Do you think I can't understand you as well as if I had seen you,' -pursued my aunt, 'now that I DO see and hear you - which, I tell -you candidly, is anything but a pleasure to me? Oh yes, bless us! -who so smooth and silky as Mr. Murdstone at first! The poor, -benighted innocent had never seen such a man. He was made of -sweetness. He worshipped her. He doted on her boy - tenderly -doted on him! He was to be another father to him, and they were -all to live together in a garden of roses, weren't they? Ugh! Get -along with you, do!' said my aunt. - -'I never heard anything like this person in my life!' exclaimed -Miss Murdstone. - -'And when you had made sure of the poor little fool,' said my aunt -- 'God forgive me that I should call her so, and she gone where YOU -won't go in a hurry - because you had not done wrong enough to her -and hers, you must begin to train her, must you? begin to break -her, like a poor caged bird, and wear her deluded life away, in -teaching her to sing YOUR notes?' - -'This is either insanity or intoxication,' said Miss Murdstone, in -a perfect agony at not being able to turn the current of my aunt's -address towards herself; 'and my suspicion is that it's -intoxication.' - -Miss Betsey, without taking the least notice of the interruption, -continued to address herself to Mr. Murdstone as if there had been -no such thing. - -'Mr. Murdstone,' she said, shaking her finger at him, 'you were a -tyrant to the simple baby, and you broke her heart. She was a -loving baby - I know that; I knew it, years before you ever saw her -- and through the best part of her weakness you gave her the wounds -she died of. There is the truth for your comfort, however you like -it. And you and your instruments may make the most of it.' - -'Allow me to inquire, Miss Trotwood,' interposed Miss Murdstone, -'whom you are pleased to call, in a choice of words in which I am -not experienced, my brother's instruments?' - -'It was clear enough, as I have told you, years before YOU ever saw -her - and why, in the mysterious dispensations of Providence, you -ever did see her, is more than humanity can comprehend - it was -clear enough that the poor soft little thing would marry somebody, -at some time or other; but I did hope it wouldn't have been as bad -as it has turned out. That was the time, Mr. Murdstone, when she -gave birth to her boy here,' said my aunt; 'to the poor child you -sometimes tormented her through afterwards, which is a disagreeable -remembrance and makes the sight of him odious now. Aye, aye! you -needn't wince!' said my aunt. 'I know it's true without that.' - -He had stood by the door, all this while, observant of her with a -smile upon his face, though his black eyebrows were heavily -contracted. I remarked now, that, though the smile was on his face -still, his colour had gone in a moment, and he seemed to breathe as -if he had been running. - -'Good day, sir,' said my aunt, 'and good-bye! Good day to you, -too, ma'am,' said my aunt, turning suddenly upon his sister. 'Let -me see you ride a donkey over my green again, and as sure as you -have a head upon your shoulders, I'll knock your bonnet off, and -tread upon it!' - -It would require a painter, and no common painter too, to depict my -aunt's face as she delivered herself of this very unexpected -sentiment, and Miss Murdstone's face as she heard it. But the -manner of the speech, no less than the matter, was so fiery, that -Miss Murdstone, without a word in answer, discreetly put her arm -through her brother's, and walked haughtily out of the cottage; my -aunt remaining in the window looking after them; prepared, I have -no doubt, in case of the donkey's reappearance, to carry her threat -into instant execution. - -No attempt at defiance being made, however, her face gradually -relaxed, and became so pleasant, that I was emboldened to kiss and -thank her; which I did with great heartiness, and with both my arms -clasped round her neck. I then shook hands with Mr. Dick, who -shook hands with me a great many times, and hailed this happy close -of the proceedings with repeated bursts of laughter. - -'You'll consider yourself guardian, jointly with me, of this child, -Mr. Dick,' said my aunt. - -'I shall be delighted,' said Mr. Dick, 'to be the guardian of -David's son.' - -'Very good,' returned my aunt, 'that's settled. I have been -thinking, do you know, Mr. Dick, that I might call him Trotwood?' - -'Certainly, certainly. Call him Trotwood, certainly,' said Mr. -Dick. 'David's son's Trotwood.' - -'Trotwood Copperfield, you mean,' returned my aunt. - -'Yes, to be sure. Yes. Trotwood Copperfield,' said Mr. Dick, a -little abashed. - -My aunt took so kindly to the notion, that some ready-made clothes, -which were purchased for me that afternoon, were marked 'Trotwood -Copperfield', in her own handwriting, and in indelible marking-ink, -before I put them on; and it was settled that all the other clothes -which were ordered to be made for me (a complete outfit was bespoke -that afternoon) should be marked in the same way. - -Thus I began my new life, in a new name, and with everything new -about me. Now that the state of doubt was over, I felt, for many -days, like one in a dream. I never thought that I had a curious -couple of guardians, in my aunt and Mr. Dick. I never thought of -anything about myself, distinctly. The two things clearest in my -mind were, that a remoteness had come upon the old Blunderstone -life - which seemed to lie in the haze of an immeasurable distance; -and that a curtain had for ever fallen on my life at Murdstone and -Grinby's. No one has ever raised that curtain since. I have -lifted it for a moment, even in this narrative, with a reluctant -hand, and dropped it gladly. The remembrance of that life is -fraught with so much pain to me, with so much mental suffering and -want of hope, that I have never had the courage even to examine how -long I was doomed to lead it. Whether it lasted for a year, or -more, or less, I do not know. I only know that it was, and ceased -to be; and that I have written, and there I leave it. - - - -CHAPTER 15 -I MAKE ANOTHER BEGINNING - - -Mr. Dick and I soon became the best of friends, and very often, -when his day's work was done, went out together to fly the great -kite. Every day of his life he had a long sitting at the Memorial, -which never made the least progress, however hard he laboured, for -King Charles the First always strayed into it, sooner or later, and -then it was thrown aside, and another one begun. The patience and -hope with which he bore these perpetual disappointments, the mild -perception he had that there was something wrong about King Charles -the First, the feeble efforts he made to keep him out, and the -certainty with which he came in, and tumbled the Memorial out of -all shape, made a deep impression on me. What Mr. Dick supposed -would come of the Memorial, if it were completed; where he thought -it was to go, or what he thought it was to do; he knew no more than -anybody else, I believe. Nor was it at all necessary that he -should trouble himself with such questions, for if anything were -certain under the sun, it was certain that the Memorial never would -be finished. It was quite an affecting sight, I used to think, to -see him with the kite when it was up a great height in the air. -What he had told me, in his room, about his belief in its -disseminating the statements pasted on it, which were nothing but -old leaves of abortive Memorials, might have been a fancy with him -sometimes; but not when he was out, looking up at the kite in the -sky, and feeling it pull and tug at his hand. He never looked so -serene as he did then. I used to fancy, as I sat by him of an -evening, on a green slope, and saw him watch the kite high in the -quiet air, that it lifted his mind out of its confusion, and bore -it (such was my boyish thought) into the skies. As he wound the -string in and it came lower and lower down out of the beautiful -light, until it fluttered to the ground, and lay there like a dead -thing, he seemed to wake gradually out of a dream; and I remember -to have seen him take it up, and look about him in a lost way, as -if they had both come down together, so that I pitied him with all -my heart. - -While I advanced in friendship and intimacy with Mr. Dick, I did -not go backward in the favour of his staunch friend, my aunt. She -took so kindly to me, that, in the course of a few weeks, she -shortened my adopted name of Trotwood into Trot; and even -encouraged me to hope, that if I went on as I had begun, I might -take equal rank in her affections with my sister Betsey Trotwood. - -'Trot,' said my aunt one evening, when the backgammon-board was -placed as usual for herself and Mr. Dick, 'we must not forget your -education.' - -This was my only subject of anxiety, and I felt quite delighted by -her referring to it. - -'Should you like to go to school at Canterbury?' said my aunt. - -I replied that I should like it very much, as it was so near her. - -'Good,' said my aunt. 'Should you like to go tomorrow?' - -Being already no stranger to the general rapidity of my aunt's -evolutions, I was not surprised by the suddenness of the proposal, -and said: 'Yes.' - -'Good,' said my aunt again. 'Janet, hire the grey pony and chaise -tomorrow morning at ten o'clock, and pack up Master Trotwood's -clothes tonight.' - -I was greatly elated by these orders; but my heart smote me for my -selfishness, when I witnessed their effect on Mr. Dick, who was so -low-spirited at the prospect of our separation, and played so ill -in consequence, that my aunt, after giving him several admonitory -raps on the knuckles with her dice-box, shut up the board, and -declined to play with him any more. But, on hearing from my aunt -that I should sometimes come over on a Saturday, and that he could -sometimes come and see me on a Wednesday, he revived; and vowed to -make another kite for those occasions, of proportions greatly -surpassing the present one. In the morning he was downhearted -again, and would have sustained himself by giving me all the money -he had in his possession, gold and silver too, if my aunt had not -interposed, and limited the gift to five shillings, which, at his -earnest petition, were afterwards increased to ten. We parted at -the garden-gate in a most affectionate manner, and Mr. Dick did not -go into the house until my aunt had driven me out of sight of it. - -My aunt, who was perfectly indifferent to public opinion, drove the -grey pony through Dover in a masterly manner; sitting high and -stiff like a state coachman, keeping a steady eye upon him wherever -he went, and making a point of not letting him have his own way in -any respect. When we came into the country road, she permitted him -to relax a little, however; and looking at me down in a valley of -cushion by her side, asked me whether I was happy? - -'Very happy indeed, thank you, aunt,' I said. - -She was much gratified; and both her hands being occupied, patted -me on the head with her whip. - -'Is it a large school, aunt?' I asked. - -'Why, I don't know,' said my aunt. 'We are going to Mr. -Wickfield's first.' - -'Does he keep a school?' I asked. - -'No, Trot,' said my aunt. 'He keeps an office.' - -I asked for no more information about Mr. Wickfield, as she offered -none, and we conversed on other subjects until we came to -Canterbury, where, as it was market-day, my aunt had a great -opportunity of insinuating the grey pony among carts, baskets, -vegetables, and huckster's goods. The hair-breadth turns and -twists we made, drew down upon us a variety of speeches from the -people standing about, which were not always complimentary; but my -aunt drove on with perfect indifference, and I dare say would have -taken her own way with as much coolness through an enemy's country. - -At length we stopped before a very old house bulging out over the -road; a house with long low lattice-windows bulging out still -farther, and beams with carved heads on the ends bulging out too, -so that I fancied the whole house was leaning forward, trying to -see who was passing on the narrow pavement below. It was quite -spotless in its cleanliness. The old-fashioned brass knocker on -the low arched door, ornamented with carved garlands of fruit and -flowers, twinkled like a star; the two stone steps descending to -the door were as white as if they had been covered with fair linen; -and all the angles and corners, and carvings and mouldings, and -quaint little panes of glass, and quainter little windows, though -as old as the hills, were as pure as any snow that ever fell upon -the hills. - -When the pony-chaise stopped at the door, and my eyes were intent -upon the house, I saw a cadaverous face appear at a small window on -the ground floor (in a little round tower that formed one side of -the house), and quickly disappear. The low arched door then -opened, and the face came out. It was quite as cadaverous as it -had looked in the window, though in the grain of it there was that -tinge of red which is sometimes to be observed in the skins of -red-haired people. It belonged to a red-haired person - a youth of -fifteen, as I take it now, but looking much older - whose hair was -cropped as close as the closest stubble; who had hardly any -eyebrows, and no eyelashes, and eyes of a red-brown, so unsheltered -and unshaded, that I remember wondering how he went to sleep. He -was high-shouldered and bony; dressed in decent black, with a white -wisp of a neckcloth; buttoned up to the throat; and had a long, -lank, skeleton hand, which particularly attracted my attention, as -he stood at the pony's head, rubbing his chin with it, and looking -up at us in the chaise. - -'Is Mr. Wickfield at home, Uriah Heep?' said my aunt. - -'Mr. Wickfield's at home, ma'am,' said Uriah Heep, 'if you'll -please to walk in there' - pointing with his long hand to the room -he meant. - -We got out; and leaving him to hold the pony, went into a long low -parlour looking towards the street, from the window of which I -caught a glimpse, as I went in, of Uriah Heep breathing into the -pony's nostrils, and immediately covering them with his hand, as if -he were putting some spell upon him. Opposite to the tall old -chimney-piece were two portraits: one of a gentleman with grey hair -(though not by any means an old man) and black eyebrows, who was -looking over some papers tied together with red tape; the other, of -a lady, with a very placid and sweet expression of face, who was -looking at me. - -I believe I was turning about in search of Uriah's picture, when, -a door at the farther end of the room opening, a gentleman entered, -at sight of whom I turned to the first-mentioned portrait again, to -make quite sure that it had not come out of its frame. But it was -stationary; and as the gentleman advanced into the light, I saw -that he was some years older than when he had had his picture -painted. - -'Miss Betsey Trotwood,' said the gentleman, 'pray walk in. I was -engaged for a moment, but you'll excuse my being busy. You know my -motive. I have but one in life.' - -Miss Betsey thanked him, and we went into his room, which was -furnished as an office, with books, papers, tin boxes, and so -forth. It looked into a garden, and had an iron safe let into the -wall; so immediately over the mantelshelf, that I wondered, as I -sat down, how the sweeps got round it when they swept the chimney. - -'Well, Miss Trotwood,' said Mr. Wickfield; for I soon found that it -was he, and that he was a lawyer, and steward of the estates of a -rich gentleman of the county; 'what wind blows you here? Not an -ill wind, I hope?' - -'No,' replied my aunt. 'I have not come for any law.' - -'That's right, ma'am,' said Mr. Wickfield. 'You had better come -for anything else.' -His hair was quite white now, though his eyebrows were still black. -He had a very agreeable face, and, I thought, was handsome. There -was a certain richness in his complexion, which I had been long -accustomed, under Peggotty's tuition, to connect with port wine; -and I fancied it was in his voice too, and referred his growing -corpulency to the same cause. He was very cleanly dressed, in a -blue coat, striped waistcoat, and nankeen trousers; and his fine -frilled shirt and cambric neckcloth looked unusually soft and -white, reminding my strolling fancy (I call to mind) of the plumage -on the breast of a swan. - -'This is my nephew,' said my aunt. - -'Wasn't aware you had one, Miss Trotwood,' said Mr. Wickfield. - -'My grand-nephew, that is to say,' observed my aunt. - -'Wasn't aware you had a grand-nephew, I give you my word,' said Mr. -Wickfield. - -'I have adopted him,' said my aunt, with a wave of her hand, -importing that his knowledge and his ignorance were all one to her, -'and I have brought him here, to put to a school where he may be -thoroughly well taught, and well treated. Now tell me where that -school is, and what it is, and all about it.' - -'Before I can advise you properly,' said Mr. Wickfield - 'the old -question, you know. What's your motive in this?' - -'Deuce take the man!' exclaimed my aunt. 'Always fishing for -motives, when they're on the surface! Why, to make the child happy -and useful.' - -'It must be a mixed motive, I think,' said Mr. Wickfield, shaking -his head and smiling incredulously. - -'A mixed fiddlestick,' returned my aunt. 'You claim to have one -plain motive in all you do yourself. You don't suppose, I hope, -that you are the only plain dealer in the world?' - -'Ay, but I have only one motive in life, Miss Trotwood,' he -rejoined, smiling. 'Other people have dozens, scores, hundreds. -I have only one. There's the difference. However, that's beside -the question. The best school? Whatever the motive, you want the -best?' - -My aunt nodded assent. - -'At the best we have,' said Mr. Wickfield, considering, 'your -nephew couldn't board just now.' - -'But he could board somewhere else, I suppose?' suggested my aunt. - -Mr. Wickfield thought I could. After a little discussion, he -proposed to take my aunt to the school, that she might see it and -judge for herself; also, to take her, with the same object, to two -or three houses where he thought I could be boarded. My aunt -embracing the proposal, we were all three going out together, when -he stopped and said: - -'Our little friend here might have some motive, perhaps, for -objecting to the arrangements. I think we had better leave him -behind?' - -My aunt seemed disposed to contest the point; but to facilitate -matters I said I would gladly remain behind, if they pleased; and -returned into Mr. Wickfield's office, where I sat down again, in -the chair I had first occupied, to await their return. - -It so happened that this chair was opposite a narrow passage, which -ended in the little circular room where I had seen Uriah Heep's -pale face looking out of the window. Uriah, having taken the pony -to a neighbouring stable, was at work at a desk in this room, which -had a brass frame on the top to hang paper upon, and on which the -writing he was making a copy of was then hanging. Though his face -was towards me, I thought, for some time, the writing being between -us, that he could not see me; but looking that way more -attentively, it made me uncomfortable to observe that, every now -and then, his sleepless eyes would come below the writing, like two -red suns, and stealthily stare at me for I dare say a whole minute -at a time, during which his pen went, or pretended to go, as -cleverly as ever. I made several attempts to get out of their way -- such as standing on a chair to look at a map on the other side of -the room, and poring over the columns of a Kentish newspaper - but -they always attracted me back again; and whenever I looked towards -those two red suns, I was sure to find them, either just rising or -just setting. - -At length, much to my relief, my aunt and Mr. Wickfield came back, -after a pretty long absence. They were not so successful as I -could have wished; for though the advantages of the school were -undeniable, my aunt had not approved of any of the boarding-houses -proposed for me. - -'It's very unfortunate,' said my aunt. 'I don't know what to do, -Trot.' - -'It does happen unfortunately,' said Mr. Wickfield. 'But I'll tell -you what you can do, Miss Trotwood.' - -'What's that?' inquired my aunt. - -'Leave your nephew here, for the present. He's a quiet fellow. He -won't disturb me at all. It's a capital house for study. As quiet -as a monastery, and almost as roomy. Leave him here.' - -My aunt evidently liked the offer, though she was delicate of -accepting it. So did I. -'Come, Miss Trotwood,' said Mr. Wickfield. 'This is the way out of -the difficulty. It's only a temporary arrangement, you know. If -it don't act well, or don't quite accord with our mutual -convenience, he can easily go to the right-about. There will be -time to find some better place for him in the meanwhile. You had -better determine to leave him here for the present!' - -'I am very much obliged to you,' said my aunt; 'and so is he, I -see; but -' - -'Come! I know what you mean,' cried Mr. Wickfield. 'You shall not -be oppressed by the receipt of favours, Miss Trotwood. You may pay -for him, if you like. We won't be hard about terms, but you shall -pay if you will.' - -'On that understanding,' said my aunt, 'though it doesn't lessen -the real obligation, I shall be very glad to leave him.' - -'Then come and see my little housekeeper,' said Mr. Wickfield. - -We accordingly went up a wonderful old staircase; with a balustrade -so broad that we might have gone up that, almost as easily; and -into a shady old drawing-room, lighted by some three or four of the -quaint windows I had looked up at from the street: which had old -oak seats in them, that seemed to have come of the same trees as -the shining oak floor, and the great beams in the ceiling. It was -a prettily furnished room, with a piano and some lively furniture -in red and green, and some flowers. It seemed to be all old nooks -and corners; and in every nook and corner there was some queer -little table, or cupboard, or bookcase, or seat, or something or -other, that made me think there was not such another good corner in -the room; until I looked at the next one, and found it equal to it, -if not better. On everything there was the same air of retirement -and cleanliness that marked the house outside. - -Mr. Wickfield tapped at a door in a corner of the panelled wall, -and a girl of about my own age came quickly out and kissed him. On -her face, I saw immediately the placid and sweet expression of the -lady whose picture had looked at me downstairs. It seemed to my -imagination as if the portrait had grown womanly, and the original -remained a child. Although her face was quite bright and happy, -there was a tranquillity about it, and about her - a quiet, good, -calm spirit - that I never have forgotten; that I shall never -forget. This was his little housekeeper, his daughter Agnes, Mr. -Wickfield said. When I heard how he said it, and saw how he held -her hand, I guessed what the one motive of his life was. - -She had a little basket-trifle hanging at her side, with keys in -it; and she looked as staid and as discreet a housekeeper as the -old house could have. She listened to her father as he told her -about me, with a pleasant face; and when he had concluded, proposed -to my aunt that we should go upstairs and see my room. We all went -together, she before us: and a glorious old room it was, with more -oak beams, and diamond panes; and the broad balustrade going all -the way up to it. - -I cannot call to mind where or when, in my childhood, I had seen a -stained glass window in a church. Nor do I recollect its subject. -But I know that when I saw her turn round, in the grave light of -the old staircase, and wait for us, above, I thought of that -window; and I associated something of its tranquil brightness with -Agnes Wickfield ever afterwards. - -My aunt was as happy as I was, in the arrangement made for me; and -we went down to the drawing-room again, well pleased and gratified. -As she would not hear of staying to dinner, lest she should by any -chance fail to arrive at home with the grey pony before dark; and -as I apprehend Mr. Wickfield knew her too well to argue any point -with her; some lunch was provided for her there, and Agnes went -back to her governess, and Mr. Wickfield to his office. So we were -left to take leave of one another without any restraint. - -She told me that everything would be arranged for me by Mr. -Wickfield, and that I should want for nothing, and gave me the -kindest words and the best advice. - -'Trot,' said my aunt in conclusion, 'be a credit to yourself, to -me, and Mr. Dick, and Heaven be with you!' - -I was greatly overcome, and could only thank her, again and again, -and send my love to Mr. Dick. - -'Never,' said my aunt, 'be mean in anything; never be false; never -be cruel. Avoid those three vices, Trot, and I can always be -hopeful of you.' - -I promised, as well as I could, that I would not abuse her kindness -or forget her admonition. - -'The pony's at the door,' said my aunt, 'and I am off! Stay here.' -With these words she embraced me hastily, and went out of the room, -shutting the door after her. At first I was startled by so abrupt -a departure, and almost feared I had displeased her; but when I -looked into the street, and saw how dejectedly she got into the -chaise, and drove away without looking up, I understood her better -and did not do her that injustice. - -By five o'clock, which was Mr. Wickfield's dinner-hour, I had -mustered up my spirits again, and was ready for my knife and fork. -The cloth was only laid for us two; but Agnes was waiting in the -drawing-room before dinner, went down with her father, and sat -opposite to him at table. I doubted whether he could have dined -without her. - -We did not stay there, after dinner, but came upstairs into the -drawing-room again: in one snug corner of which, Agnes set glasses -for her father, and a decanter of port wine. I thought he would -have missed its usual flavour, if it had been put there for him by -any other hands. - -There he sat, taking his wine, and taking a good deal of it, for -two hours; while Agnes played on the piano, worked, and talked to -him and me. He was, for the most part, gay and cheerful with us; -but sometimes his eyes rested on her, and he fell into a brooding -state, and was silent. She always observed this quickly, I -thought, and always roused him with a question or caress. Then he -came out of his meditation, and drank more wine. - -Agnes made the tea, and presided over it; and the time passed away -after it, as after dinner, until she went to bed; when her father -took her in his arms and kissed her, and, she being gone, ordered -candles in his office. Then I went to bed too. - -But in the course of the evening I had rambled down to the door, -and a little way along the street, that I might have another peep -at the old houses, and the grey Cathedral; and might think of my -coming through that old city on my journey, and of my passing the -very house I lived in, without knowing it. As I came back, I saw -Uriah Heep shutting up the office; and feeling friendly towards -everybody, went in and spoke to him, and at parting, gave him my -hand. But oh, what a clammy hand his was! as ghostly to the touch -as to the sight! I rubbed mine afterwards, to warm it, AND TO RUB -HIS OFF. - -It was such an uncomfortable hand, that, when I went to my room, it -was still cold and wet upon my memory. Leaning out of the window, -and seeing one of the faces on the beam-ends looking at me -sideways, I fancied it was Uriah Heep got up there somehow, and -shut him out in a hurry. - - - -CHAPTER 16 -I AM A NEW BOY IN MORE SENSES THAN ONE - - -Next morning, after breakfast, I entered on school life again. I -went, accompanied by Mr. Wickfield, to the scene of my future -studies - a grave building in a courtyard, with a learned air about -it that seemed very well suited to the stray rooks and jackdaws who -came down from the Cathedral towers to walk with a clerkly bearing -on the grass-plot - and was introduced to my new master, Doctor -Strong. - -Doctor Strong looked almost as rusty, to my thinking, as the tall -iron rails and gates outside the house; and almost as stiff and -heavy as the great stone urns that flanked them, and were set up, -on the top of the red-brick wall, at regular distances all round -the court, like sublimated skittles, for Time to play at. He was -in his library (I mean Doctor Strong was), with his clothes not -particularly well brushed, and his hair not particularly well -combed; his knee-smalls unbraced; his long black gaiters -unbuttoned; and his shoes yawning like two caverns on the -hearth-rug. Turning upon me a lustreless eye, that reminded me of -a long-forgotten blind old horse who once used to crop the grass, -and tumble over the graves, in Blunderstone churchyard, he said he -was glad to see me: and then he gave me his hand; which I didn't -know what to do with, as it did nothing for itself. - -But, sitting at work, not far from Doctor Strong, was a very pretty -young lady - whom he called Annie, and who was his daughter, I -supposed - who got me out of my difficulty by kneeling down to put -Doctor Strong's shoes on, and button his gaiters, which she did -with great cheerfulness and quickness. When she had finished, and -we were going out to the schoolroom, I was much surprised to hear -Mr. Wickfield, in bidding her good morning, address her as 'Mrs. -Strong'; and I was wondering could she be Doctor Strong's son's -wife, or could she be Mrs. Doctor Strong, when Doctor Strong -himself unconsciously enlightened me. - -'By the by, Wickfield,' he said, stopping in a passage with his -hand on my shoulder; 'you have not found any suitable provision for -my wife's cousin yet?' - -'No,' said Mr. Wickfield. 'No. Not yet.' - -'I could wish it done as soon as it can be done, Wickfield,' said -Doctor Strong, 'for Jack Maldon is needy, and idle; and of those -two bad things, worse things sometimes come. What does Doctor -Watts say,' he added, looking at me, and moving his head to the -time of his quotation, '"Satan finds some mischief still, for idle -hands to do."' - -'Egad, Doctor,' returned Mr. Wickfield, 'if Doctor Watts knew -mankind, he might have written, with as much truth, "Satan finds -some mischief still, for busy hands to do." The busy people achieve -their full share of mischief in the world, you may rely upon it. -What have the people been about, who have been the busiest in -getting money, and in getting power, this century or two? No -mischief?' - -'Jack Maldon will never be very busy in getting either, I expect,' -said Doctor Strong, rubbing his chin thoughtfully. - -'Perhaps not,' said Mr. Wickfield; 'and you bring me back to the -question, with an apology for digressing. No, I have not been able -to dispose of Mr. Jack Maldon yet. I believe,' he said this with -some hesitation, 'I penetrate your motive, and it makes the thing -more difficult.' - -'My motive,' returned Doctor Strong, 'is to make some suitable -provision for a cousin, and an old playfellow, of Annie's.' - -'Yes, I know,' said Mr. Wickfield; 'at home or abroad.' - -'Aye!' replied the Doctor, apparently wondering why he emphasized -those words so much. 'At home or abroad.' - -'Your own expression, you know,' said Mr. Wickfield. 'Or abroad.' - -'Surely,' the Doctor answered. 'Surely. One or other.' - -'One or other? Have you no choice?' asked Mr. Wickfield. - -'No,' returned the Doctor. - -'No?' with astonishment. - -'Not the least.' - -'No motive,' said Mr. Wickfield, 'for meaning abroad, and not at -home?' - -'No,' returned the Doctor. - -'I am bound to believe you, and of course I do believe you,' said -Mr. Wickfield. 'It might have simplified my office very much, if -I had known it before. But I confess I entertained another -impression.' - -Doctor Strong regarded him with a puzzled and doubting look, which -almost immediately subsided into a smile that gave me great -encouragement; for it was full of amiability and sweetness, and -there was a simplicity in it, and indeed in his whole manner, when -the studious, pondering frost upon it was got through, very -attractive and hopeful to a young scholar like me. Repeating 'no', -and 'not the least', and other short assurances to the same -purport, Doctor Strong jogged on before us, at a queer, uneven -pace; and we followed: Mr. Wickfield, looking grave, I observed, -and shaking his head to himself, without knowing that I saw him. - -The schoolroom was a pretty large hall, on the quietest side of the -house, confronted by the stately stare of some half-dozen of the -great urns, and commanding a peep of an old secluded garden -belonging to the Doctor, where the peaches were ripening on the -sunny south wall. There were two great aloes, in tubs, on the turf -outside the windows; the broad hard leaves of which plant (looking -as if they were made of painted tin) have ever since, by -association, been symbolical to me of silence and retirement. -About five-and-twenty boys were studiously engaged at their books -when we went in, but they rose to give the Doctor good morning, and -remained standing when they saw Mr. Wickfield and me. - -'A new boy, young gentlemen,' said the Doctor; 'Trotwood -Copperfield.' - -One Adams, who was the head-boy, then stepped out of his place and -welcomed me. He looked like a young clergyman, in his white -cravat, but he was very affable and good-humoured; and he showed me -my place, and presented me to the masters, in a gentlemanly way -that would have put me at my ease, if anything could. - -It seemed to me so long, however, since I had been among such boys, -or among any companions of my own age, except Mick Walker and Mealy -Potatoes, that I felt as strange as ever I have done in my life. -I was so conscious of having passed through scenes of which they -could have no knowledge, and of having acquired experiences foreign -to my age, appearance, and condition as one of them, that I half -believed it was an imposture to come there as an ordinary little -schoolboy. I had become, in the Murdstone and Grinby time, however -short or long it may have been, so unused to the sports and games -of boys, that I knew I was awkward and inexperienced in the -commonest things belonging to them. Whatever I had learnt, had so -slipped away from me in the sordid cares of my life from day to -night, that now, when I was examined about what I knew, I knew -nothing, and was put into the lowest form of the school. But, -troubled as I was, by my want of boyish skill, and of book-learning -too, I was made infinitely more uncomfortable by the consideration, -that, in what I did know, I was much farther removed from my -companions than in what I did not. My mind ran upon what they -would think, if they knew of my familiar acquaintance with the -King's Bench Prison? Was there anything about me which would -reveal my proceedings in connexion with the Micawber family - all -those pawnings, and sellings, and suppers - in spite of myself? -Suppose some of the boys had seen me coming through Canterbury, -wayworn and ragged, and should find me out? What would they say, -who made so light of money, if they could know how I had scraped my -halfpence together, for the purchase of my daily saveloy and beer, -or my slices of pudding? How would it affect them, who were so -innocent of London life, and London streets, to discover how -knowing I was (and was ashamed to be) in some of the meanest phases -of both? All this ran in my head so much, on that first day at -Doctor Strong's, that I felt distrustful of my slightest look and -gesture; shrunk within myself whensoever I was approached by one of -my new schoolfellows; and hurried off the minute school was over, -afraid of committing myself in my response to any friendly notice -or advance. - -But there was such an influence in Mr. Wickfield's old house, that -when I knocked at it, with my new school-books under my arm, I -began to feel my uneasiness softening away. As I went up to my -airy old room, the grave shadow of the staircase seemed to fall -upon my doubts and fears, and to make the past more indistinct. I -sat there, sturdily conning my books, until dinner-time (we were -out of school for good at three); and went down, hopeful of -becoming a passable sort of boy yet. - -Agnes was in the drawing-room, waiting for her father, who was -detained by someone in his office. She met me with her pleasant -smile, and asked me how I liked the school. I told her I should -like it very much, I hoped; but I was a little strange to it at -first. - -'You have never been to school,' I said, 'have you?' -'Oh yes! Every day.' - -'Ah, but you mean here, at your own home?' - -'Papa couldn't spare me to go anywhere else,' she answered, smiling -and shaking her head. 'His housekeeper must be in his house, you -know.' - -'He is very fond of you, I am sure,' I said. - -She nodded 'Yes,' and went to the door to listen for his coming up, -that she might meet him on the stairs. But, as he was not there, -she came back again. - -'Mama has been dead ever since I was born,' she said, in her quiet -way. 'I only know her picture, downstairs. I saw you looking at -it yesterday. Did you think whose it was?' - -I told her yes, because it was so like herself. - -'Papa says so, too,' said Agnes, pleased. 'Hark! That's papa -now!' - -Her bright calm face lighted up with pleasure as she went to meet -him, and as they came in, hand in hand. He greeted me cordially; -and told me I should certainly be happy under Doctor Strong, who -was one of the gentlest of men. - -'There may be some, perhaps - I don't know that there are - who -abuse his kindness,' said Mr. Wickfield. 'Never be one of those, -Trotwood, in anything. He is the least suspicious of mankind; and -whether that's a merit, or whether it's a blemish, it deserves -consideration in all dealings with the Doctor, great or small.' - -He spoke, I thought, as if he were weary, or dissatisfied with -something; but I did not pursue the question in my mind, for dinner -was just then announced, and we went down and took the same seats -as before. - -We had scarcely done so, when Uriah Heep put in his red head and -his lank hand at the door, and said: - -'Here's Mr. Maldon begs the favour of a word, sir.' - -'I am but this moment quit of Mr. Maldon,' said his master. - -'Yes, sir,' returned Uriah; 'but Mr. Maldon has come back, and he -begs the favour of a word.' - -As he held the door open with his hand, Uriah looked at me, and -looked at Agnes, and looked at the dishes, and looked at the -plates, and looked at every object in the room, I thought, - yet -seemed to look at nothing; he made such an appearance all the while -of keeping his red eyes dutifully on his master. -'I beg your pardon. It's only to say, on reflection,' observed a -voice behind Uriah, as Uriah's head was pushed away, and the -speaker's substituted - 'pray excuse me for this intrusion - that -as it seems I have no choice in the matter, the sooner I go abroad -the better. My cousin Annie did say, when we talked of it, that -she liked to have her friends within reach rather than to have them -banished, and the old Doctor -' - -'Doctor Strong, was that?' Mr. Wickfield interposed, gravely. - -'Doctor Strong, of course,' returned the other; 'I call him the old -Doctor; it's all the same, you know.' - -'I don't know,' returned Mr. Wickfield. - -'Well, Doctor Strong,' said the other - 'Doctor Strong was of the -same mind, I believed. But as it appears from the course you take -with me he has changed his mind, why there's no more to be said, -except that the sooner I am off, the better. Therefore, I thought -I'd come back and say, that the sooner I am off the better. When -a plunge is to be made into the water, it's of no use lingering on -the bank.' - -'There shall be as little lingering as possible, in your case, Mr. -Maldon, you may depend upon it,' said Mr. Wickfield. - -'Thank'ee,' said the other. 'Much obliged. I don't want to look -a gift-horse in the mouth, which is not a gracious thing to do; -otherwise, I dare say, my cousin Annie could easily arrange it in -her own way. I suppose Annie would only have to say to the old -Doctor -' - -'Meaning that Mrs. Strong would only have to say to her husband - -do I follow you?' said Mr. Wickfield. - -'Quite so,' returned the other, '- would only have to say, that she -wanted such and such a thing to be so and so; and it would be so -and so, as a matter of course.' - -'And why as a matter of course, Mr. Maldon?' asked Mr. Wickfield, -sedately eating his dinner. - -'Why, because Annie's a charming young girl, and the old Doctor - -Doctor Strong, I mean - is not quite a charming young boy,' said -Mr. Jack Maldon, laughing. 'No offence to anybody, Mr. Wickfield. -I only mean that I suppose some compensation is fair and reasonable -in that sort of marriage.' - -'Compensation to the lady, sir?' asked Mr. Wickfield gravely. - -'To the lady, sir,' Mr. Jack Maldon answered, laughing. But -appearing to remark that Mr. Wickfield went on with his dinner in -the same sedate, immovable manner, and that there was no hope of -making him relax a muscle of his face, he added: -'However, I have said what I came to say, and, with another apology -for this intrusion, I may take myself off. Of course I shall -observe your directions, in considering the matter as one to be -arranged between you and me solely, and not to be referred to, up -at the Doctor's.' - -'Have you dined?' asked Mr. Wickfield, with a motion of his hand -towards the table. - -'Thank'ee. I am going to dine,' said Mr. Maldon, 'with my cousin -Annie. Good-bye!' - -Mr. Wickfield, without rising, looked after him thoughtfully as he -went out. He was rather a shallow sort of young gentleman, I -thought, with a handsome face, a rapid utterance, and a confident, -bold air. And this was the first I ever saw of Mr. Jack Maldon; -whom I had not expected to see so soon, when I heard the Doctor -speak of him that morning. - -When we had dined, we went upstairs again, where everything went on -exactly as on the previous day. Agnes set the glasses and -decanters in the same corner, and Mr. Wickfield sat down to drink, -and drank a good deal. Agnes played the piano to him, sat by him, -and worked and talked, and played some games at dominoes with me. -In good time she made tea; and afterwards, when I brought down my -books, looked into them, and showed me what she knew of them (which -was no slight matter, though she said it was), and what was the -best way to learn and understand them. I see her, with her modest, -orderly, placid manner, and I hear her beautiful calm voice, as I -write these words. The influence for all good, which she came to -exercise over me at a later time, begins already to descend upon my -breast. I love little Em'ly, and I don't love Agnes - no, not at -all in that way - but I feel that there are goodness, peace, and -truth, wherever Agnes is; and that the soft light of the coloured -window in the church, seen long ago, falls on her always, and on me -when I am near her, and on everything around. - -The time having come for her withdrawal for the night, and she -having left us, I gave Mr. Wickfield my hand, preparatory to going -away myself. But he checked me and said: 'Should you like to stay -with us, Trotwood, or to go elsewhere?' - -'To stay,' I answered, quickly. - -'You are sure?' - -'If you please. If I may!' - -'Why, it's but a dull life that we lead here, boy, I am afraid,' he -said. - -'Not more dull for me than Agnes, sir. Not dull at all!' - -'Than Agnes,' he repeated, walking slowly to the great -chimney-piece, and leaning against it. 'Than Agnes!' - -He had drank wine that evening (or I fancied it), until his eyes -were bloodshot. Not that I could see them now, for they were cast -down, and shaded by his hand; but I had noticed them a little while -before. - -'Now I wonder,' he muttered, 'whether my Agnes tires of me. When -should I ever tire of her! But that's different, that's quite -different.' - -He was musing, not speaking to me; so I remained quiet. - -'A dull old house,' he said, 'and a monotonous life; but I must -have her near me. I must keep her near me. If the thought that I -may die and leave my darling, or that my darling may die and leave -me, comes like a spectre, to distress my happiest hours, and is -only to be drowned in -' - -He did not supply the word; but pacing slowly to the place where he -had sat, and mechanically going through the action of pouring wine -from the empty decanter, set it down and paced back again. - -'If it is miserable to bear, when she is here,' he said, 'what -would it be, and she away? No, no, no. I cannot try that.' - -He leaned against the chimney-piece, brooding so long that I could -not decide whether to run the risk of disturbing him by going, or -to remain quietly where I was, until he should come out of his -reverie. At length he aroused himself, and looked about the room -until his eyes encountered mine. - -'Stay with us, Trotwood, eh?' he said in his usual manner, and as -if he were answering something I had just said. 'I am glad of it. -You are company to us both. It is wholesome to have you here. -Wholesome for me, wholesome for Agnes, wholesome perhaps for all of -us.' - -'I am sure it is for me, sir,' I said. 'I am so glad to be here.' - -'That's a fine fellow!' said Mr. Wickfield. 'As long as you are -glad to be here, you shall stay here.' He shook hands with me upon -it, and clapped me on the back; and told me that when I had -anything to do at night after Agnes had left us, or when I wished -to read for my own pleasure, I was free to come down to his room, -if he were there and if I desired it for company's sake, and to sit -with him. I thanked him for his consideration; and, as he went -down soon afterwards, and I was not tired, went down too, with a -book in my hand, to avail myself, for half-an-hour, of his -permission. - -But, seeing a light in the little round office, and immediately -feeling myself attracted towards Uriah Heep, who had a sort of -fascination for me, I went in there instead. I found Uriah reading -a great fat book, with such demonstrative attention, that his lank -forefinger followed up every line as he read, and made clammy -tracks along the page (or so I fully believed) like a snail. - -'You are working late tonight, Uriah,' says I. - -'Yes, Master Copperfield,' says Uriah. - -As I was getting on the stool opposite, to talk to him more -conveniently, I observed that he had not such a thing as a smile -about him, and that he could only widen his mouth and make two hard -creases down his cheeks, one on each side, to stand for one. - -'I am not doing office-work, Master Copperfield,' said Uriah. - -'What work, then?' I asked. - -'I am improving my legal knowledge, Master Copperfield,' said -Uriah. 'I am going through Tidd's Practice. Oh, what a writer Mr. -Tidd is, Master Copperfield!' - -My stool was such a tower of observation, that as I watched him -reading on again, after this rapturous exclamation, and following -up the lines with his forefinger, I observed that his nostrils, -which were thin and pointed, with sharp dints in them, had a -singular and most uncomfortable way of expanding and contracting -themselves - that they seemed to twinkle instead of his eyes, which -hardly ever twinkled at all. - -'I suppose you are quite a great lawyer?' I said, after looking at -him for some time. - -'Me, Master Copperfield?' said Uriah. 'Oh, no! I'm a very umble -person.' - -It was no fancy of mine about his hands, I observed; for he -frequently ground the palms against each other as if to squeeze -them dry and warm, besides often wiping them, in a stealthy way, on -his pocket-handkerchief. - -'I am well aware that I am the umblest person going,' said Uriah -Heep, modestly; 'let the other be where he may. My mother is -likewise a very umble person. We live in a numble abode, Master -Copperfield, but have much to be thankful for. My father's former -calling was umble. He was a sexton.' - -'What is he now?' I asked. - -'He is a partaker of glory at present, Master Copperfield,' said -Uriah Heep. 'But we have much to be thankful for. How much have -I to be thankful for in living with Mr. Wickfield!' - -I asked Uriah if he had been with Mr. Wickfield long? - -'I have been with him, going on four year, Master Copperfield,' -said Uriah; shutting up his book, after carefully marking the place -where he had left off. 'Since a year after my father's death. How -much have I to be thankful for, in that! How much have I to be -thankful for, in Mr. Wickfield's kind intention to give me my -articles, which would otherwise not lay within the umble means of -mother and self!' - -'Then, when your articled time is over, you'll be a regular lawyer, -I suppose?' said I. - -'With the blessing of Providence, Master Copperfield,' returned -Uriah. - -'Perhaps you'll be a partner in Mr. Wickfield's business, one of -these days,' I said, to make myself agreeable; 'and it will be -Wickfield and Heep, or Heep late Wickfield.' - -'Oh no, Master Copperfield,' returned Uriah, shaking his head, 'I -am much too umble for that!' - -He certainly did look uncommonly like the carved face on the beam -outside my window, as he sat, in his humility, eyeing me sideways, -with his mouth widened, and the creases in his cheeks. - -'Mr. Wickfield is a most excellent man, Master Copperfield,' said -Uriah. 'If you have known him long, you know it, I am sure, much -better than I can inform you.' - -I replied that I was certain he was; but that I had not known him -long myself, though he was a friend of my aunt's. - -'Oh, indeed, Master Copperfield,' said Uriah. 'Your aunt is a -sweet lady, Master Copperfield!' - -He had a way of writhing when he wanted to express enthusiasm, -which was very ugly; and which diverted my attention from the -compliment he had paid my relation, to the snaky twistings of his -throat and body. - -'A sweet lady, Master Copperfield!' said Uriah Heep. 'She has a -great admiration for Miss Agnes, Master Copperfield, I believe?' - -I said, 'Yes,' boldly; not that I knew anything about it, Heaven -forgive me! - -'I hope you have, too, Master Copperfield,' said Uriah. 'But I am -sure you must have.' - -'Everybody must have,' I returned. - -'Oh, thank you, Master Copperfield,' said Uriah Heep, 'for that -remark! It is so true! Umble as I am, I know it is so true! Oh, -thank you, Master Copperfield!' -He writhed himself quite off his stool in the excitement of his -feelings, and, being off, began to make arrangements for going -home. - -'Mother will be expecting me,' he said, referring to a pale, -inexpressive-faced watch in his pocket, 'and getting uneasy; for -though we are very umble, Master Copperfield, we are much attached -to one another. If you would come and see us, any afternoon, and -take a cup of tea at our lowly dwelling, mother would be as proud -of your company as I should be.' - -I said I should be glad to come. - -'Thank you, Master Copperfield,' returned Uriah, putting his book -away upon the shelf - 'I suppose you stop here, some time, Master -Copperfield?' - -I said I was going to be brought up there, I believed, as long as -I remained at school. - -'Oh, indeed!' exclaimed Uriah. 'I should think YOU would come into -the business at last, Master Copperfield!' - -I protested that I had no views of that sort, and that no such -scheme was entertained in my behalf by anybody; but Uriah insisted -on blandly replying to all my assurances, 'Oh, yes, Master -Copperfield, I should think you would, indeed!' and, 'Oh, indeed, -Master Copperfield, I should think you would, certainly!' over and -over again. Being, at last, ready to leave the office for the -night, he asked me if it would suit my convenience to have the -light put out; and on my answering 'Yes,' instantly extinguished -it. After shaking hands with me - his hand felt like a fish, in -the dark - he opened the door into the street a very little, and -crept out, and shut it, leaving me to grope my way back into the -house: which cost me some trouble and a fall over his stool. This -was the proximate cause, I suppose, of my dreaming about him, for -what appeared to me to be half the night; and dreaming, among other -things, that he had launched Mr. Peggotty's house on a piratical -expedition, with a black flag at the masthead, bearing the -inscription 'Tidd's Practice', under which diabolical ensign he was -carrying me and little Em'ly to the Spanish Main, to be drowned. - -I got a little the better of my uneasiness when I went to school -next day, and a good deal the better next day, and so shook it off -by degrees, that in less than a fortnight I was quite at home, and -happy, among my new companions. I was awkward enough in their -games, and backward enough in their studies; but custom would -improve me in the first respect, I hoped, and hard work in the -second. Accordingly, I went to work very hard, both in play and in -earnest, and gained great commendation. And, in a very little -while, the Murdstone and Grinby life became so strange to me that -I hardly believed in it, while my present life grew so familiar, -that I seemed to have been leading it a long time. - -Doctor Strong's was an excellent school; as different from Mr. -Creakle's as good is from evil. It was very gravely and decorously -ordered, and on a sound system; with an appeal, in everything, to -the honour and good faith of the boys, and an avowed intention to -rely on their possession of those qualities unless they proved -themselves unworthy of it, which worked wonders. We all felt that -we had a part in the management of the place, and in sustaining its -character and dignity. Hence, we soon became warmly attached to it -- I am sure I did for one, and I never knew, in all my time, of any -other boy being otherwise - and learnt with a good will, desiring -to do it credit. We had noble games out of hours, and plenty of -liberty; but even then, as I remember, we were well spoken of in -the town, and rarely did any disgrace, by our appearance or manner, -to the reputation of Doctor Strong and Doctor Strong's boys. - -Some of the higher scholars boarded in the Doctor's house, and -through them I learned, at second hand, some particulars of the -Doctor's history - as, how he had not yet been married twelve -months to the beautiful young lady I had seen in the study, whom he -had married for love; for she had not a sixpence, and had a world -of poor relations (so our fellows said) ready to swarm the Doctor -out of house and home. Also, how the Doctor's cogitating manner -was attributable to his being always engaged in looking out for -Greek roots; which, in my innocence and ignorance, I supposed to be -a botanical furor on the Doctor's part, especially as he always -looked at the ground when he walked about, until I understood that -they were roots of words, with a view to a new Dictionary which he -had in contemplation. Adams, our head-boy, who had a turn for -mathematics, had made a calculation, I was informed, of the time -this Dictionary would take in completing, on the Doctor's plan, and -at the Doctor's rate of going. He considered that it might be done -in one thousand six hundred and forty-nine years, counting from the -Doctor's last, or sixty-second, birthday. - -But the Doctor himself was the idol of the whole school: and it -must have been a badly composed school if he had been anything -else, for he was the kindest of men; with a simple faith in him -that might have touched the stone hearts of the very urns upon the -wall. As he walked up and down that part of the courtyard which -was at the side of the house, with the stray rooks and jackdaws -looking after him with their heads cocked slyly, as if they knew -how much more knowing they were in worldly affairs than he, if any -sort of vagabond could only get near enough to his creaking shoes -to attract his attention to one sentence of a tale of distress, -that vagabond was made for the next two days. It was so notorious -in the house, that the masters and head-boys took pains to cut -these marauders off at angles, and to get out of windows, and turn -them out of the courtyard, before they could make the Doctor aware -of their presence; which was sometimes happily effected within a -few yards of him, without his knowing anything of the matter, as he -jogged to and fro. Outside his own domain, and unprotected, he was -a very sheep for the shearers. He would have taken his gaiters off -his legs, to give away. In fact, there was a story current among -us (I have no idea, and never had, on what authority, but I have -believed it for so many years that I feel quite certain it is -true), that on a frosty day, one winter-time, he actually did -bestow his gaiters on a beggar-woman, who occasioned some scandal -in the neighbourhood by exhibiting a fine infant from door to door, -wrapped in those garments, which were universally recognized, being -as well known in the vicinity as the Cathedral. The legend added -that the only person who did not identify them was the Doctor -himself, who, when they were shortly afterwards displayed at the -door of a little second-hand shop of no very good repute, where -such things were taken in exchange for gin, was more than once -observed to handle them approvingly, as if admiring some curious -novelty in the pattern, and considering them an improvement on his -own. - -It was very pleasant to see the Doctor with his pretty young wife. -He had a fatherly, benignant way of showing his fondness for her, -which seemed in itself to express a good man. I often saw them -walking in the garden where the peaches were, and I sometimes had -a nearer observation of them in the study or the parlour. She -appeared to me to take great care of the Doctor, and to like him -very much, though I never thought her vitally interested in the -Dictionary: some cumbrous fragments of which work the Doctor always -carried in his pockets, and in the lining of his hat, and generally -seemed to be expounding to her as they walked about. - -I saw a good deal of Mrs. Strong, both because she had taken a -liking for me on the morning of my introduction to the Doctor, and -was always afterwards kind to me, and interested in me; and because -she was very fond of Agnes, and was often backwards and forwards at -our house. There was a curious constraint between her and Mr. -Wickfield, I thought (of whom she seemed to be afraid), that never -wore off. When she came there of an evening, she always shrunk -from accepting his escort home, and ran away with me instead. And -sometimes, as we were running gaily across the Cathedral yard -together, expecting to meet nobody, we would meet Mr. Jack Maldon, -who was always surprised to see us. - -Mrs. Strong's mama was a lady I took great delight in. Her name -was Mrs. Markleham; but our boys used to call her the Old Soldier, -on account of her generalship, and the skill with which she -marshalled great forces of relations against the Doctor. She was -a little, sharp-eyed woman, who used to wear, when she was dressed, -one unchangeable cap, ornamented with some artificial flowers, and -two artificial butterflies supposed to be hovering above the -flowers. There was a superstition among us that this cap had come -from France, and could only originate in the workmanship of that -ingenious nation: but all I certainly know about it, is, that it -always made its appearance of an evening, wheresoever Mrs. -Markleham made HER appearance; that it was carried about to -friendly meetings in a Hindoo basket; that the butterflies had the -gift of trembling constantly; and that they improved the shining -hours at Doctor Strong's expense, like busy bees. - -I observed the Old Soldier - not to adopt the name disrespectfully -- to pretty good advantage, on a night which is made memorable to -me by something else I shall relate. It was the night of a little -party at the Doctor's, which was given on the occasion of Mr. Jack -Maldon's departure for India, whither he was going as a cadet, or -something of that kind: Mr. Wickfield having at length arranged the -business. It happened to be the Doctor's birthday, too. We had -had a holiday, had made presents to him in the morning, had made a -speech to him through the head-boy, and had cheered him until we -were hoarse, and until he had shed tears. And now, in the evening, -Mr. Wickfield, Agnes, and I, went to have tea with him in his -private capacity. - -Mr. Jack Maldon was there, before us. Mrs. Strong, dressed in -white, with cherry-coloured ribbons, was playing the piano, when we -went in; and he was leaning over her to turn the leaves. The clear -red and white of her complexion was not so blooming and flower-like -as usual, I thought, when she turned round; but she looked very -pretty, Wonderfully pretty. - -'I have forgotten, Doctor,' said Mrs. Strong's mama, when we were -seated, 'to pay you the compliments of the day - though they are, -as you may suppose, very far from being mere compliments in my -case. Allow me to wish you many happy returns.' - -'I thank you, ma'am,' replied the Doctor. - -'Many, many, many, happy returns,' said the Old Soldier. 'Not only -for your own sake, but for Annie's, and John Maldon's, and many -other people's. It seems but yesterday to me, John, when you were -a little creature, a head shorter than Master Copperfield, making -baby love to Annie behind the gooseberry bushes in the -back-garden.' - -'My dear mama,' said Mrs. Strong, 'never mind that now.' - -'Annie, don't be absurd,' returned her mother. 'If you are to -blush to hear of such things now you are an old married woman, when -are you not to blush to hear of them?' - -'Old?' exclaimed Mr. Jack Maldon. 'Annie? Come!' - -'Yes, John,' returned the Soldier. 'Virtually, an old married -woman. Although not old by years - for when did you ever hear me -say, or who has ever heard me say, that a girl of twenty was old by -years! - your cousin is the wife of the Doctor, and, as such, what -I have described her. It is well for you, John, that your cousin -is the wife of the Doctor. You have found in him an influential -and kind friend, who will be kinder yet, I venture to predict, if -you deserve it. I have no false pride. I never hesitate to admit, -frankly, that there are some members of our family who want a -friend. You were one yourself, before your cousin's influence -raised up one for you.' - -The Doctor, in the goodness of his heart, waved his hand as if to -make light of it, and save Mr. Jack Maldon from any further -reminder. But Mrs. Markleham changed her chair for one next the -Doctor's, and putting her fan on his coat-sleeve, said: - -'No, really, my dear Doctor, you must excuse me if I appear to -dwell on this rather, because I feel so very strongly. I call it -quite my monomania, it is such a subject of mine. You are a -blessing to us. You really are a Boon, you know.' - -'Nonsense, nonsense,' said the Doctor. - -'No, no, I beg your pardon,' retorted the Old Soldier. 'With -nobody present, but our dear and confidential friend Mr. Wickfield, -I cannot consent to be put down. I shall begin to assert the -privileges of a mother-in-law, if you go on like that, and scold -you. I am perfectly honest and outspoken. What I am saying, is -what I said when you first overpowered me with surprise - you -remember how surprised I was? - by proposing for Annie. Not that -there was anything so very much out of the way, in the mere fact of -the proposal - it would be ridiculous to say that! - but because, -you having known her poor father, and having known her from a baby -six months old, I hadn't thought of you in such a light at all, or -indeed as a marrying man in any way, - simply that, you know.' - -'Aye, aye,' returned the Doctor, good-humouredly. 'Never mind.' - -'But I DO mind,' said the Old Soldier, laying her fan upon his -lips. 'I mind very much. I recall these things that I may be -contradicted if I am wrong. Well! Then I spoke to Annie, and I -told her what had happened. I said, "My dear, here's Doctor Strong -has positively been and made you the subject of a handsome -declaration and an offer." Did I press it in the least? No. I -said, "Now, Annie, tell me the truth this moment; is your heart -free?" "Mama," she said crying, "I am extremely young" - which was -perfectly true - "and I hardly know if I have a heart at all." -"Then, my dear," I said, "you may rely upon it, it's free. At all -events, my love," said I, "Doctor Strong is in an agitated state of -mind, and must be answered. He cannot be kept in his present state -of suspense." "Mama," said Annie, still crying, "would he be -unhappy without me? If he would, I honour and respect him so much, -that I think I will have him." So it was settled. And then, and -not till then, I said to Annie, "Annie, Doctor Strong will not only -be your husband, but he will represent your late father: he will -represent the head of our family, he will represent the wisdom and -station, and I may say the means, of our family; and will be, in -short, a Boon to it." I used the word at the time, and I have used -it again, today. If I have any merit it is consistency.' - -The daughter had sat quite silent and still during this speech, -with her eyes fixed on the ground; her cousin standing near her, -and looking on the ground too. She now said very softly, in a -trembling voice: - -'Mama, I hope you have finished?' -'No, my dear Annie,' returned the Old Soldier, 'I have not quite -finished. Since you ask me, my love, I reply that I have not. I -complain that you really are a little unnatural towards your own -family; and, as it is of no use complaining to you. I mean to -complain to your husband. Now, my dear Doctor, do look at that -silly wife of yours.' - -As the Doctor turned his kind face, with its smile of simplicity -and gentleness, towards her, she drooped her head more. I noticed -that Mr. Wickfield looked at her steadily. - -'When I happened to say to that naughty thing, the other day,' -pursued her mother, shaking her head and her fan at her, playfully, -'that there was a family circumstance she might mention to you - -indeed, I think, was bound to mention - she said, that to mention -it was to ask a favour; and that, as you were too generous, and as -for her to ask was always to have, she wouldn't.' - -'Annie, my dear,' said the Doctor. 'That was wrong. It robbed me -of a pleasure.' - -'Almost the very words I said to her!' exclaimed her mother. 'Now -really, another time, when I know what she would tell you but for -this reason, and won't, I have a great mind, my dear Doctor, to -tell you myself.' - -'I shall be glad if you will,' returned the Doctor. - -'Shall I?' - -'Certainly.' - -'Well, then, I will!' said the Old Soldier. 'That's a bargain.' -And having, I suppose, carried her point, she tapped the Doctor's -hand several times with her fan (which she kissed first), and -returned triumphantly to her former station. - -Some more company coming in, among whom were the two masters and -Adams, the talk became general; and it naturally turned on Mr. Jack -Maldon, and his voyage, and the country he was going to, and his -various plans and prospects. He was to leave that night, after -supper, in a post-chaise, for Gravesend; where the ship, in which -he was to make the voyage, lay; and was to be gone - unless he came -home on leave, or for his health - I don't know how many years. I -recollect it was settled by general consent that India was quite a -misrepresented country, and had nothing objectionable in it, but a -tiger or two, and a little heat in the warm part of the day. For -my own part, I looked on Mr. Jack Maldon as a modern Sindbad, and -pictured him the bosom friend of all the Rajahs in the East, -sitting under canopies, smoking curly golden pipes - a mile long, -if they could be straightened out. - -Mrs. Strong was a very pretty singer: as I knew, who often heard -her singing by herself. But, whether she was afraid of singing -before people, or was out of voice that evening, it was certain -that she couldn't sing at all. She tried a duet, once, with her -cousin Maldon, but could not so much as begin; and afterwards, when -she tried to sing by herself, although she began sweetly, her voice -died away on a sudden, and left her quite distressed, with her head -hanging down over the keys. The good Doctor said she was nervous, -and, to relieve her, proposed a round game at cards; of which he -knew as much as of the art of playing the trombone. But I remarked -that the Old Soldier took him into custody directly, for her -partner; and instructed him, as the first preliminary of -initiation, to give her all the silver he had in his pocket. - -We had a merry game, not made the less merry by the Doctor's -mistakes, of which he committed an innumerable quantity, in spite -of the watchfulness of the butterflies, and to their great -aggravation. Mrs. Strong had declined to play, on the ground of -not feeling very well; and her cousin Maldon had excused himself -because he had some packing to do. When he had done it, however, -he returned, and they sat together, talking, on the sofa. From -time to time she came and looked over the Doctor's hand, and told -him what to play. She was very pale, as she bent over him, and I -thought her finger trembled as she pointed out the cards; but the -Doctor was quite happy in her attention, and took no notice of -this, if it were so. - -At supper, we were hardly so gay. Everyone appeared to feel that -a parting of that sort was an awkward thing, and that the nearer it -approached, the more awkward it was. Mr. Jack Maldon tried to be -very talkative, but was not at his ease, and made matters worse. -And they were not improved, as it appeared to me, by the Old -Soldier: who continually recalled passages of Mr. Jack Maldon's -youth. - -The Doctor, however, who felt, I am sure, that he was making -everybody happy, was well pleased, and had no suspicion but that we -were all at the utmost height of enjoyment. - -'Annie, my dear,' said he, looking at his watch, and filling his -glass, 'it is past your cousin jack's time, and we must not detain -him, since time and tide - both concerned in this case - wait for -no man. Mr. Jack Maldon, you have a long voyage, and a strange -country, before you; but many men have had both, and many men will -have both, to the end of time. The winds you are going to tempt, -have wafted thousands upon thousands to fortune, and brought -thousands upon thousands happily back.' - -'It's an affecting thing,' said Mrs. Markleham - 'however it's -viewed, it's affecting, to see a fine young man one has known from -an infant, going away to the other end of the world, leaving all he -knows behind, and not knowing what's before him. A young man -really well deserves constant support and patronage,' looking at -the Doctor, 'who makes such sacrifices.' - -'Time will go fast with you, Mr. Jack Maldon,' pursued the Doctor, -'and fast with all of us. Some of us can hardly expect, perhaps, -in the natural course of things, to greet you on your return. The -next best thing is to hope to do it, and that's my case. I shall -not weary you with good advice. You have long had a good model -before you, in your cousin Annie. Imitate her virtues as nearly as -you can.' - -Mrs. Markleham fanned herself, and shook her head. - -'Farewell, Mr. Jack,' said the Doctor, standing up; on which we all -stood up. 'A prosperous voyage out, a thriving career abroad, and -a happy return home!' - -We all drank the toast, and all shook hands with Mr. Jack Maldon; -after which he hastily took leave of the ladies who were there, and -hurried to the door, where he was received, as he got into the -chaise, with a tremendous broadside of cheers discharged by our -boys, who had assembled on the lawn for the purpose. Running in -among them to swell the ranks, I was very near the chaise when it -rolled away; and I had a lively impression made upon me, in the -midst of the noise and dust, of having seen Mr. Jack Maldon rattle -past with an agitated face, and something cherry-coloured in his -hand. - -After another broadside for the Doctor, and another for the -Doctor's wife, the boys dispersed, and I went back into the house, -where I found the guests all standing in a group about the Doctor, -discussing how Mr. Jack Maldon had gone away, and how he had borne -it, and how he had felt it, and all the rest of it. In the midst -of these remarks, Mrs. Markleham cried: 'Where's Annie?' - -No Annie was there; and when they called to her, no Annie replied. -But all pressing out of the room, in a crowd, to see what was the -matter, we found her lying on the hall floor. There was great -alarm at first, until it was found that she was in a swoon, and -that the swoon was yielding to the usual means of recovery; when -the Doctor, who had lifted her head upon his knee, put her curls -aside with his hand, and said, looking around: - -'Poor Annie! She's so faithful and tender-hearted! It's the -parting from her old playfellow and friend - her favourite cousin -- that has done this. Ah! It's a pity! I am very sorry!' - -When she opened her eyes, and saw where she was, and that we were -all standing about her, she arose with assistance: turning her -head, as she did so, to lay it on the Doctor's shoulder - or to -hide it, I don't know which. We went into the drawing-room, to -leave her with the Doctor and her mother; but she said, it seemed, -that she was better than she had been since morning, and that she -would rather be brought among us; so they brought her in, looking -very white and weak, I thought, and sat her on a sofa. - -'Annie, my dear,' said her mother, doing something to her dress. -'See here! You have lost a bow. Will anybody be so good as find -a ribbon; a cherry-coloured ribbon?' - -It was the one she had worn at her bosom. We all looked for it; I -myself looked everywhere, I am certain - but nobody could find it. - -'Do you recollect where you had it last, Annie?' said her mother. - -I wondered how I could have thought she looked white, or anything -but burning red, when she answered that she had had it safe, a -little while ago, she thought, but it was not worth looking for. - -Nevertheless, it was looked for again, and still not found. She -entreated that there might be no more searching; but it was still -sought for, in a desultory way, until she was quite well, and the -company took their departure. - -We walked very slowly home, Mr. Wickfield, Agnes, and I - Agnes and -I admiring the moonlight, and Mr. Wickfield scarcely raising his -eyes from the ground. When we, at last, reached our own door, -Agnes discovered that she had left her little reticule behind. -Delighted to be of any service to her, I ran back to fetch it. - -I went into the supper-room where it had been left, which was -deserted and dark. But a door of communication between that and -the Doctor's study, where there was a light, being open, I passed -on there, to say what I wanted, and to get a candle. - -The Doctor was sitting in his easy-chair by the fireside, and his -young wife was on a stool at his feet. The Doctor, with a -complacent smile, was reading aloud some manuscript explanation or -statement of a theory out of that interminable Dictionary, and she -was looking up at him. But with such a face as I never saw. It -was so beautiful in its form, it was so ashy pale, it was so fixed -in its abstraction, it was so full of a wild, sleep-walking, dreamy -horror of I don't know what. The eyes were wide open, and her -brown hair fell in two rich clusters on her shoulders, and on her -white dress, disordered by the want of the lost ribbon. Distinctly -as I recollect her look, I cannot say of what it was expressive, I -cannot even say of what it is expressive to me now, rising again -before my older judgement. Penitence, humiliation, shame, pride, -love, and trustfulness - I see them all; and in them all, I see -that horror of I don't know what. - -My entrance, and my saying what I wanted, roused her. It disturbed -the Doctor too, for when I went back to replace the candle I had -taken from the table, he was patting her head, in his fatherly way, -and saying he was a merciless drone to let her tempt him into -reading on; and he would have her go to bed. - -But she asked him, in a rapid, urgent manner, to let her stay - to -let her feel assured (I heard her murmur some broken words to this -effect) that she was in his confidence that night. And, as she -turned again towards him, after glancing at me as I left the room -and went out at the door, I saw her cross her hands upon his knee, -and look up at him with the same face, something quieted, as he -resumed his reading. - -It made a great impression on me, and I remembered it a long time -afterwards; as I shall have occasion to narrate when the time -comes. - - - -CHAPTER 17 -SOMEBODY TURNS UP - - -It has not occurred to me to mention Peggotty since I ran away; -but, of course, I wrote her a letter almost as soon as I was housed -at Dover, and another, and a longer letter, containing all -particulars fully related, when my aunt took me formally under her -protection. On my being settled at Doctor Strong's I wrote to her -again, detailing my happy condition and prospects. I never could -have derived anything like the pleasure from spending the money Mr. -Dick had given me, that I felt in sending a gold half-guinea to -Peggotty, per post, enclosed in this last letter, to discharge the -sum I had borrowed of her: in which epistle, not before, I -mentioned about the young man with the donkey-cart. - -To these communications Peggotty replied as promptly, if not as -concisely, as a merchant's clerk. Her utmost powers of expression -(which were certainly not great in ink) were exhausted in the -attempt to write what she felt on the subject of my journey. Four -sides of incoherent and interjectional beginnings of sentences, -that had no end, except blots, were inadequate to afford her any -relief. But the blots were more expressive to me than the best -composition; for they showed me that Peggotty had been crying all -over the paper, and what could I have desired more? - -I made out, without much difficulty, that she could not take quite -kindly to my aunt yet. The notice was too short after so long a -prepossession the other way. We never knew a person, she wrote; -but to think that Miss Betsey should seem to be so different from -what she had been thought to be, was a Moral! - that was her word. -She was evidently still afraid of Miss Betsey, for she sent her -grateful duty to her but timidly; and she was evidently afraid of -me, too, and entertained the probability of my running away again -soon: if I might judge from the repeated hints she threw out, that -the coach-fare to Yarmouth was always to be had of her for the -asking. - -She gave me one piece of intelligence which affected me very much, -namely, that there had been a sale of the furniture at our old -home, and that Mr. and Miss Murdstone were gone away, and the house -was shut up, to be let or sold. God knows I had no part in it -while they remained there, but it pained me to think of the dear -old place as altogether abandoned; of the weeds growing tall in the -garden, and the fallen leaves lying thick and wet upon the paths. -I imagined how the winds of winter would howl round it, how the -cold rain would beat upon the window-glass, how the moon would make -ghosts on the walls of the empty rooms, watching their solitude all -night. I thought afresh of the grave in the churchyard, underneath -the tree: and it seemed as if the house were dead too, now, and all -connected with my father and mother were faded away. - -There was no other news in Peggotty's letters. Mr. Barkis was an -excellent husband, she said, though still a little near; but we all -had our faults, and she had plenty (though I am sure I don't know -what they were); and he sent his duty, and my little bedroom was -always ready for me. Mr. Peggotty was well, and Ham was well, and -Mrs.. Gummidge was but poorly, and little Em'ly wouldn't send her -love, but said that Peggotty might send it, if she liked. - -All this intelligence I dutifully imparted to my aunt, only -reserving to myself the mention of little Em'ly, to whom I -instinctively felt that she would not very tenderly incline. While -I was yet new at Doctor Strong's, she made several excursions over -to Canterbury to see me, and always at unseasonable hours: with the -view, I suppose, of taking me by surprise. But, finding me well -employed, and bearing a good character, and hearing on all hands -that I rose fast in the school, she soon discontinued these visits. -I saw her on a Saturday, every third or fourth week, when I went -over to Dover for a treat; and I saw Mr. Dick every alternate -Wednesday, when he arrived by stage-coach at noon, to stay until -next morning. - -On these occasions Mr. Dick never travelled without a leathern -writing-desk, containing a supply of stationery and the Memorial; -in relation to which document he had a notion that time was -beginning to press now, and that it really must be got out of hand. - -Mr. Dick was very partial to gingerbread. To render his visits the -more agreeable, my aunt had instructed me to open a credit for him -at a cake shop, which was hampered with the stipulation that he -should not be served with more than one shilling's-worth in the -course of any one day. This, and the reference of all his little -bills at the county inn where he slept, to my aunt, before they -were paid, induced me to suspect that he was only allowed to rattle -his money, and not to spend it. I found on further investigation -that this was so, or at least there was an agreement between him -and my aunt that he should account to her for all his -disbursements. As he had no idea of deceiving her, and always -desired to please her, he was thus made chary of launching into -expense. On this point, as well as on all other possible points, -Mr. Dick was convinced that my aunt was the wisest and most -wonderful of women; as he repeatedly told me with infinite secrecy, -and always in a whisper. - -'Trotwood,' said Mr. Dick, with an air of mystery, after imparting -this confidence to me, one Wednesday; 'who's the man that hides -near our house and frightens her?' - -'Frightens my aunt, sir?' - -Mr. Dick nodded. 'I thought nothing would have frightened her,' he -said, 'for she's -' here he whispered softly, 'don't mention it - -the wisest and most wonderful of women.' Having said which, he -drew back, to observe the effect which this description of her made -upon me. - -'The first time he came,' said Mr. Dick, 'was- let me see- sixteen -hundred and forty-nine was the date of King Charles's execution. -I think you said sixteen hundred and forty-nine?' - -'Yes, sir.' - -'I don't know how it can be,' said Mr. Dick, sorely puzzled and -shaking his head. 'I don't think I am as old as that.' - -'Was it in that year that the man appeared, sir?' I asked. - -'Why, really' said Mr. Dick, 'I don't see how it can have been in -that year, Trotwood. Did you get that date out of history?' - -'Yes, sir.' - -'I suppose history never lies, does it?' said Mr. Dick, with a -gleam of hope. - -'Oh dear, no, sir!' I replied, most decisively. I was ingenuous -and young, and I thought so. - -'I can't make it out,' said Mr. Dick, shaking his head. 'There's -something wrong, somewhere. However, it was very soon after the -mistake was made of putting some of the trouble out of King -Charles's head into my head, that the man first came. I was -walking out with Miss Trotwood after tea, just at dark, and there -he was, close to our house.' - -'Walking about?' I inquired. - -'Walking about?' repeated Mr. Dick. 'Let me see, I must recollect -a bit. N-no, no; he was not walking about.' - -I asked, as the shortest way to get at it, what he WAS doing. - -'Well, he wasn't there at all,' said Mr. Dick, 'until he came up -behind her, and whispered. Then she turned round and fainted, and -I stood still and looked at him, and he walked away; but that he -should have been hiding ever since (in the ground or somewhere), is -the most extraordinary thing!' - -'HAS he been hiding ever since?' I asked. - -'To be sure he has,' retorted Mr. Dick, nodding his head gravely. -'Never came out, till last night! We were walking last night, and -he came up behind her again, and I knew him again.' - -'And did he frighten my aunt again?' - -'All of a shiver,' said Mr. Dick, counterfeiting that affection and -making his teeth chatter. 'Held by the palings. Cried. But, -Trotwood, come here,' getting me close to him, that he might -whisper very softly; 'why did she give him money, boy, in the -moonlight?' - -'He was a beggar, perhaps.' - -Mr. Dick shook his head, as utterly renouncing the suggestion; and -having replied a great many times, and with great confidence, 'No -beggar, no beggar, no beggar, sir!' went on to say, that from his -window he had afterwards, and late at night, seen my aunt give this -person money outside the garden rails in the moonlight, who then -slunk away - into the ground again, as he thought probable - and -was seen no more: while my aunt came hurriedly and secretly back -into the house, and had, even that morning, been quite different -from her usual self; which preyed on Mr. Dick's mind. - -I had not the least belief, in the outset of this story, that the -unknown was anything but a delusion of Mr. Dick's, and one of the -line of that ill-fated Prince who occasioned him so much -difficulty; but after some reflection I began to entertain the -question whether an attempt, or threat of an attempt, might have -been twice made to take poor Mr. Dick himself from under my aunt's -protection, and whether my aunt, the strength of whose kind feeling -towards him I knew from herself, might have been induced to pay a -price for his peace and quiet. As I was already much attached to -Mr. Dick, and very solicitous for his welfare, my fears favoured -this supposition; and for a long time his Wednesday hardly ever -came round, without my entertaining a misgiving that he would not -be on the coach-box as usual. There he always appeared, however, -grey-headed, laughing, and happy; and he never had anything more to -tell of the man who could frighten my aunt. - -These Wednesdays were the happiest days of Mr. Dick's life; they -were far from being the least happy of mine. He soon became known -to every boy in the school; and though he never took an active part -in any game but kite-flying, was as deeply interested in all our -sports as anyone among us. How often have I seen him, intent upon -a match at marbles or pegtop, looking on with a face of unutterable -interest, and hardly breathing at the critical times! How often, -at hare and hounds, have I seen him mounted on a little knoll, -cheering the whole field on to action, and waving his hat above his -grey head, oblivious of King Charles the Martyr's head, and all -belonging to it! How many a summer hour have I known to be but -blissful minutes to him in the cricket-field! How many winter days -have I seen him, standing blue-nosed, in the snow and east wind, -looking at the boys going down the long slide, and clapping his -worsted gloves in rapture! - -He was an universal favourite, and his ingenuity in little things -was transcendent. He could cut oranges into such devices as none -of us had an idea of. He could make a boat out of anything, from -a skewer upwards. He could turn cramp-bones into chessmen; fashion -Roman chariots from old court cards; make spoked wheels out of -cotton reels, and bird-cages of old wire. But he was greatest of -all, perhaps, in the articles of string and straw; with which we -were all persuaded he could do anything that could be done by -hands. - -Mr. Dick's renown was not long confined to us. After a few -Wednesdays, Doctor Strong himself made some inquiries of me about -him, and I told him all my aunt had told me; which interested the -Doctor so much that he requested, on the occasion of his next -visit, to be presented to him. This ceremony I performed; and the -Doctor begging Mr. Dick, whensoever he should not find me at the -coach office, to come on there, and rest himself until our -morning's work was over, it soon passed into a custom for Mr. Dick -to come on as a matter of course, and, if we were a little late, as -often happened on a Wednesday, to walk about the courtyard, waiting -for me. Here he made the acquaintance of the Doctor's beautiful -young wife (paler than formerly, all this time; more rarely seen by -me or anyone, I think; and not so gay, but not less beautiful), and -so became more and more familiar by degrees, until, at last, he -would come into the school and wait. He always sat in a particular -corner, on a particular stool, which was called 'Dick', after him; -here he would sit, with his grey head bent forward, attentively -listening to whatever might be going on, with a profound veneration -for the learning he had never been able to acquire. - -This veneration Mr. Dick extended to the Doctor, whom he thought -the most subtle and accomplished philosopher of any age. It was -long before Mr. Dick ever spoke to him otherwise than bareheaded; -and even when he and the Doctor had struck up quite a friendship, -and would walk together by the hour, on that side of the courtyard -which was known among us as The Doctor's Walk, Mr. Dick would pull -off his hat at intervals to show his respect for wisdom and -knowledge. How it ever came about that the Doctor began to read -out scraps of the famous Dictionary, in these walks, I never knew; -perhaps he felt it all the same, at first, as reading to himself. -However, it passed into a custom too; and Mr. Dick, listening with -a face shining with pride and pleasure, in his heart of hearts -believed the Dictionary to be the most delightful book in the -world. - -As I think of them going up and down before those schoolroom -windows - the Doctor reading with his complacent smile, an -occasional flourish of the manuscript, or grave motion of his head; -and Mr. Dick listening, enchained by interest, with his poor wits -calmly wandering God knows where, upon the wings of hard words - I -think of it as one of the pleasantest things, in a quiet way, that -I have ever seen. I feel as if they might go walking to and fro -for ever, and the world might somehow be the better for it - as if -a thousand things it makes a noise about, were not one half so good -for it, or me. - -Agnes was one of Mr. Dick's friends, very soon; and in often coming -to the house, he made acquaintance with Uriah. The friendship -between himself and me increased continually, and it was maintained -on this odd footing: that, while Mr. Dick came professedly to look -after me as my guardian, he always consulted me in any little -matter of doubt that arose, and invariably guided himself by my -advice; not only having a high respect for my native sagacity, but -considering that I inherited a good deal from my aunt. - -One Thursday morning, when I was about to walk with Mr. Dick from -the hotel to the coach office before going back to school (for we -had an hour's school before breakfast), I met Uriah in the street, -who reminded me of the promise I had made to take tea with himself -and his mother: adding, with a writhe, 'But I didn't expect you to -keep it, Master Copperfield, we're so very umble.' - -I really had not yet been able to make up my mind whether I liked -Uriah or detested him; and I was very doubtful about it still, as -I stood looking him in the face in the street. But I felt it quite -an affront to be supposed proud, and said I only wanted to be -asked. - -'Oh, if that's all, Master Copperfield,' said Uriah, 'and it -really isn't our umbleness that prevents you, will you come this -evening? But if it is our umbleness, I hope you won't mind owning -to it, Master Copperfield; for we are well aware of our condition.' - -I said I would mention it to Mr. Wickfield, and if he approved, as -I had no doubt he would, I would come with pleasure. So, at six -o'clock that evening, which was one of the early office evenings, -I announced myself as ready, to Uriah. - -'Mother will be proud, indeed,' he said, as we walked away -together. 'Or she would be proud, if it wasn't sinful, Master -Copperfield.' - -'Yet you didn't mind supposing I was proud this morning,' I -returned. - -'Oh dear, no, Master Copperfield!' returned Uriah. 'Oh, believe -me, no! Such a thought never came into my head! I shouldn't have -deemed it at all proud if you had thought US too umble for you. -Because we are so very umble.' - -'Have you been studying much law lately?' I asked, to change the -subject. - -'Oh, Master Copperfield,' he said, with an air of self-denial, 'my -reading is hardly to be called study. I have passed an hour or two -in the evening, sometimes, with Mr. Tidd.' - -'Rather hard, I suppose?' said I. -'He is hard to me sometimes,' returned Uriah. 'But I don't know -what he might be to a gifted person.' - -After beating a little tune on his chin as he walked on, with the -two forefingers of his skeleton right hand, he added: - -'There are expressions, you see, Master Copperfield - Latin words -and terms - in Mr. Tidd, that are trying to a reader of my umble -attainments.' - -'Would you like to be taught Latin?' I said briskly. 'I will teach -it you with pleasure, as I learn it.' - -'Oh, thank you, Master Copperfield,' he answered, shaking his head. -'I am sure it's very kind of you to make the offer, but I am much -too umble to accept it.' - -'What nonsense, Uriah!' - -'Oh, indeed you must excuse me, Master Copperfield! I am greatly -obliged, and I should like it of all things, I assure you; but I am -far too umble. There are people enough to tread upon me in my -lowly state, without my doing outrage to their feelings by -possessing learning. Learning ain't for me. A person like myself -had better not aspire. If he is to get on in life, he must get on -umbly, Master Copperfield!' - -I never saw his mouth so wide, or the creases in his cheeks so -deep, as when he delivered himself of these sentiments: shaking his -head all the time, and writhing modestly. - -'I think you are wrong, Uriah,' I said. 'I dare say there are -several things that I could teach you, if you would like to learn -them.' - -'Oh, I don't doubt that, Master Copperfield,' he answered; 'not in -the least. But not being umble yourself, you don't judge well, -perhaps, for them that are. I won't provoke my betters with -knowledge, thank you. I'm much too umble. Here is my umble -dwelling, Master Copperfield!' - -We entered a low, old-fashioned room, walked straight into from the -street, and found there Mrs. Heep, who was the dead image of Uriah, -only short. She received me with the utmost humility, and -apologized to me for giving her son a kiss, observing that, lowly -as they were, they had their natural affections, which they hoped -would give no offence to anyone. It was a perfectly decent room, -half parlour and half kitchen, but not at all a snug room. The -tea-things were set upon the table, and the kettle was boiling on -the hob. There was a chest of drawers with an escritoire top, for -Uriah to read or write at of an evening; there was Uriah's blue bag -lying down and vomiting papers; there was a company of Uriah's -books commanded by Mr. Tidd; there was a corner cupboard: and there -were the usual articles of furniture. I don't remember that any -individual object had a bare, pinched, spare look; but I do -remember that the whole place had. - -It was perhaps a part of Mrs. Heep's humility, that she still wore -weeds. Notwithstanding the lapse of time that had occurred since -Mr. Heep's decease, she still wore weeds. I think there was some -compromise in the cap; but otherwise she was as weedy as in the -early days of her mourning. - -'This is a day to be remembered, my Uriah, I am sure,' said Mrs. -Heep, making the tea, 'when Master Copperfield pays us a visit.' - -'I said you'd think so, mother,' said Uriah. - -'If I could have wished father to remain among us for any reason,' -said Mrs. Heep, 'it would have been, that he might have known his -company this afternoon.' - -I felt embarrassed by these compliments; but I was sensible, too, -of being entertained as an honoured guest, and I thought Mrs. Heep -an agreeable woman. - -'My Uriah,' said Mrs. Heep, 'has looked forward to this, sir, a -long while. He had his fears that our umbleness stood in the way, -and I joined in them myself. Umble we are, umble we have been, -umble we shall ever be,' said Mrs. Heep. - -'I am sure you have no occasion to be so, ma'am,' I said, 'unless -you like.' - -'Thank you, sir,' retorted Mrs. Heep. 'We know our station and are -thankful in it.' - -I found that Mrs. Heep gradually got nearer to me, and that Uriah -gradually got opposite to me, and that they respectfully plied me -with the choicest of the eatables on the table. There was nothing -particularly choice there, to be sure; but I took the will for the -deed, and felt that they were very attentive. Presently they began -to talk about aunts, and then I told them about mine; and about -fathers and mothers, and then I told them about mine; and then Mrs. -Heep began to talk about fathers-in-law, and then I began to tell -her about mine - but stopped, because my aunt had advised me to -observe a silence on that subject. A tender young cork, however, -would have had no more chance against a pair of corkscrews, or a -tender young tooth against a pair of dentists, or a little -shuttlecock against two battledores, than I had against Uriah and -Mrs. Heep. They did just what they liked with me; and wormed -things out of me that I had no desire to tell, with a certainty I -blush to think of, the more especially, as in my juvenile -frankness, I took some credit to myself for being so confidential -and felt that I was quite the patron of my two respectful -entertainers. - -They were very fond of one another: that was certain. I take it, -that had its effect upon me, as a touch of nature; but the skill -with which the one followed up whatever the other said, was a touch -of art which I was still less proof against. When there was -nothing more to be got out of me about myself (for on the Murdstone -and Grinby life, and on my journey, I was dumb), they began about -Mr. Wickfield and Agnes. Uriah threw the ball to Mrs. Heep, Mrs. -Heep caught it and threw it back to Uriah, Uriah kept it up a -little while, then sent it back to Mrs. Heep, and so they went on -tossing it about until I had no idea who had got it, and was quite -bewildered. The ball itself was always changing too. Now it was -Mr. Wickfield, now Agnes, now the excellence of Mr. Wickfield, now -my admiration of Agnes; now the extent of Mr. Wickfield's business -and resources, now our domestic life after dinner; now, the wine -that Mr. Wickfield took, the reason why he took it, and the pity -that it was he took so much; now one thing, now another, then -everything at once; and all the time, without appearing to speak -very often, or to do anything but sometimes encourage them a -little, for fear they should be overcome by their humility and the -honour of my company, I found myself perpetually letting out -something or other that I had no business to let out and seeing the -effect of it in the twinkling of Uriah's dinted nostrils. - -I had begun to be a little uncomfortable, and to wish myself well -out of the visit, when a figure coming down the street passed the -door - it stood open to air the room, which was warm, the weather -being close for the time of year - came back again, looked in, and -walked in, exclaiming loudly, 'Copperfield! Is it possible?' - -It was Mr. Micawber! It was Mr. Micawber, with his eye-glass, and -his walking-stick, and his shirt-collar, and his genteel air, and -the condescending roll in his voice, all complete! - -'My dear Copperfield,' said Mr. Micawber, putting out his hand, -'this is indeed a meeting which is calculated to impress the mind -with a sense of the instability and uncertainty of all human - in -short, it is a most extraordinary meeting. Walking along the -street, reflecting upon the probability of something turning up (of -which I am at present rather sanguine), I find a young but valued -friend turn up, who is connected with the most eventful period of -my life; I may say, with the turning-point of my existence. -Copperfield, my dear fellow, how do you do?' - -I cannot say - I really cannot say - that I was glad to see Mr. -Micawber there; but I was glad to see him too, and shook hands with -him, heartily, inquiring how Mrs. Micawber was. - -'Thank you,' said Mr. Micawber, waving his hand as of old, and -settling his chin in his shirt-collar. 'She is tolerably -convalescent. The twins no longer derive their sustenance from -Nature's founts - in short,' said Mr. Micawber, in one of his -bursts of confidence, 'they are weaned - and Mrs. Micawber is, at -present, my travelling companion. She will be rejoiced, -Copperfield, to renew her acquaintance with one who has proved -himself in all respects a worthy minister at the sacred altar of -friendship.' - -I said I should be delighted to see her. - -'You are very good,' said Mr. Micawber. - -Mr. Micawber then smiled, settled his chin again, and looked about -him. - -'I have discovered my friend Copperfield,' said Mr. Micawber -genteelly, and without addressing himself particularly to anyone, -'not in solitude, but partaking of a social meal in company with a -widow lady, and one who is apparently her offspring - in short,' -said Mr. Micawber, in another of his bursts of confidence, 'her -son. I shall esteem it an honour to be presented.' - -I could do no less, under these circumstances, than make Mr. -Micawber known to Uriah Heep and his mother; which I accordingly -did. As they abased themselves before him, Mr. Micawber took a -seat, and waved his hand in his most courtly manner. - -'Any friend of my friend Copperfield's,' said Mr. Micawber, 'has a -personal claim upon myself.' - -'We are too umble, sir,' said Mrs. Heep, 'my son and me, to be the -friends of Master Copperfield. He has been so good as take his tea -with us, and we are thankful to him for his company, also to you, -sir, for your notice.' - -'Ma'am,' returned Mr. Micawber, with a bow, 'you are very obliging: -and what are you doing, Copperfield? Still in the wine trade?' - -I was excessively anxious to get Mr. Micawber away; and replied, -with my hat in my hand, and a very red face, I have no doubt, that -I was a pupil at Doctor Strong's. - -'A pupil?' said Mr. Micawber, raising his eyebrows. 'I am -extremely happy to hear it. Although a mind like my friend -Copperfield's' - to Uriah and Mrs. Heep - 'does not require that -cultivation which, without his knowledge of men and things, it -would require, still it is a rich soil teeming with latent -vegetation - in short,' said Mr. Micawber, smiling, in another -burst of confidence, 'it is an intellect capable of getting up the -classics to any extent.' - -Uriah, with his long hands slowly twining over one another, made a -ghastly writhe from the waist upwards, to express his concurrence -in this estimation of me. - -'Shall we go and see Mrs. Micawber, sir?' I said, to get Mr. -Micawber away. - -'If you will do her that favour, Copperfield,' replied Mr. -Micawber, rising. 'I have no scruple in saying, in the presence of -our friends here, that I am a man who has, for some years, -contended against the pressure of pecuniary difficulties.' I knew -he was certain to say something of this kind; he always would be so -boastful about his difficulties. 'Sometimes I have risen superior -to my difficulties. Sometimes my difficulties have - in short, -have floored me. There have been times when I have administered a -succession of facers to them; there have been times when they have -been too many for me, and I have given in, and said to Mrs. -Micawber, in the words of Cato, "Plato, thou reasonest well. It's -all up now. I can show fight no more." But at no time of my life,' -said Mr. Micawber, 'have I enjoyed a higher degree of satisfaction -than in pouring my griefs (if I may describe difficulties, chiefly -arising out of warrants of attorney and promissory notes at two and -four months, by that word) into the bosom of my friend -Copperfield.' - -Mr. Micawber closed this handsome tribute by saying, 'Mr. Heep! -Good evening. Mrs. Heep! Your servant,' and then walking out with -me in his most fashionable manner, making a good deal of noise on -the pavement with his shoes, and humming a tune as we went. - -It was a little inn where Mr. Micawber put up, and he occupied a -little room in it, partitioned off from the commercial room, and -strongly flavoured with tobacco-smoke. I think it was over the -kitchen, because a warm greasy smell appeared to come up through -the chinks in the floor, and there was a flabby perspiration on the -walls. I know it was near the bar, on account of the smell of -spirits and jingling of glasses. Here, recumbent on a small sofa, -underneath a picture of a race-horse, with her head close to the -fire, and her feet pushing the mustard off the dumb-waiter at the -other end of the room, was Mrs. Micawber, to whom Mr. Micawber -entered first, saying, 'My dear, allow me to introduce to you a -pupil of Doctor Strong's.' - -I noticed, by the by, that although Mr. Micawber was just as much -confused as ever about my age and standing, he always remembered, -as a genteel thing, that I was a pupil of Doctor Strong's. - -Mrs. Micawber was amazed, but very glad to see me. I was very glad -to see her too, and, after an affectionate greeting on both sides, -sat down on the small sofa near her. - -'My dear,' said Mr. Micawber, 'if you will mention to Copperfield -what our present position is, which I have no doubt he will like to -know, I will go and look at the paper the while, and see whether -anything turns up among the advertisements.' - -'I thought you were at Plymouth, ma'am,' I said to Mrs. Micawber, -as he went out. - -'My dear Master Copperfield,' she replied, 'we went to Plymouth.' - -'To be on the spot,' I hinted. - -'Just so,' said Mrs. Micawber. 'To be on the spot. But, the truth -is, talent is not wanted in the Custom House. The local influence -of my family was quite unavailing to obtain any employment in that -department, for a man of Mr. Micawber's abilities. They would -rather NOT have a man of Mr. Micawber's abilities. He would only -show the deficiency of the others. Apart from which,' said Mrs. -Micawber, 'I will not disguise from you, my dear Master -Copperfield, that when that branch of my family which is settled in -Plymouth, became aware that Mr. Micawber was accompanied by myself, -and by little Wilkins and his sister, and by the twins, they did -not receive him with that ardour which he might have expected, -being so newly released from captivity. In fact,' said Mrs. -Micawber, lowering her voice, - 'this is between ourselves - our -reception was cool.' - -'Dear me!' I said. - -'Yes,' said Mrs. Micawber. 'It is truly painful to contemplate -mankind in such an aspect, Master Copperfield, but our reception -was, decidedly, cool. There is no doubt about it. In fact, that -branch of my family which is settled in Plymouth became quite -personal to Mr. Micawber, before we had been there a week.' - -I said, and thought, that they ought to be ashamed of themselves. - -'Still, so it was,' continued Mrs. Micawber. 'Under such -circumstances, what could a man of Mr. Micawber's spirit do? But -one obvious course was left. To borrow, of that branch of my -family, the money to return to London, and to return at any -sacrifice.' - -'Then you all came back again, ma'am?' I said. - -'We all came back again,' replied Mrs. Micawber. 'Since then, I -have consulted other branches of my family on the course which it -is most expedient for Mr. Micawber to take - for I maintain that he -must take some course, Master Copperfield,' said Mrs. Micawber, -argumentatively. 'It is clear that a family of six, not including -a domestic, cannot live upon air.' - -'Certainly, ma'am,' said I. - -'The opinion of those other branches of my family,' pursued Mrs. -Micawber, 'is, that Mr. Micawber should immediately turn his -attention to coals.' - -'To what, ma'am?' - -'To coals,' said Mrs. Micawber. 'To the coal trade. Mr. Micawber -was induced to think, on inquiry, that there might be an opening -for a man of his talent in the Medway Coal Trade. Then, as Mr. -Micawber very properly said, the first step to be taken clearly -was, to come and see the Medway. Which we came and saw. I say -"we", Master Copperfield; for I never will,' said Mrs. Micawber -with emotion, 'I never will desert Mr. Micawber.' - -I murmured my admiration and approbation. - -'We came,' repeated Mrs. Micawber, 'and saw the Medway. My opinion -of the coal trade on that river is, that it may require talent, but -that it certainly requires capital. Talent, Mr. Micawber has; -capital, Mr. Micawber has not. We saw, I think, the greater part -of the Medway; and that is my individual conclusion. Being so near -here, Mr. Micawber was of opinion that it would be rash not to come -on, and see the Cathedral. Firstly, on account of its being so -well worth seeing, and our never having seen it; and secondly, on -account of the great probability of something turning up in a -cathedral town. We have been here,' said Mrs. Micawber, 'three -days. Nothing has, as yet, turned up; and it may not surprise you, -my dear Master Copperfield, so much as it would a stranger, to know -that we are at present waiting for a remittance from London, to -discharge our pecuniary obligations at this hotel. Until the -arrival of that remittance,' said Mrs. Micawber with much feeling, -'I am cut off from my home (I allude to lodgings in Pentonville), -from my boy and girl, and from my twins.' - -I felt the utmost sympathy for Mr. and Mrs. Micawber in this -anxious extremity, and said as much to Mr. Micawber, who now -returned: adding that I only wished I had money enough, to lend -them the amount they needed. Mr. Micawber's answer expressed the -disturbance of his mind. He said, shaking hands with me, -'Copperfield, you are a true friend; but when the worst comes to -the worst, no man is without a friend who is possessed of shaving -materials.' At this dreadful hint Mrs. Micawber threw her arms -round Mr. Micawber's neck and entreated him to be calm. He wept; -but so far recovered, almost immediately, as to ring the bell for -the waiter, and bespeak a hot kidney pudding and a plate of shrimps -for breakfast in the morning. - -When I took my leave of them, they both pressed me so much to come -and dine before they went away, that I could not refuse. But, as -I knew I could not come next day, when I should have a good deal to -prepare in the evening, Mr. Micawber arranged that he would call at -Doctor Strong's in the course of the morning (having a presentiment -that the remittance would arrive by that post), and propose the day -after, if it would suit me better. Accordingly I was called out of -school next forenoon, and found Mr. Micawber in the parlour; who -had called to say that the dinner would take place as proposed. -When I asked him if the remittance had come, he pressed my hand and -departed. - -As I was looking out of window that same evening, it surprised me, -and made me rather uneasy, to see Mr. Micawber and Uriah Heep walk -past, arm in arm: Uriah humbly sensible of the honour that was done -him, and Mr. Micawber taking a bland delight in extending his -patronage to Uriah. But I was still more surprised, when I went to -the little hotel next day at the appointed dinner-hour, which was -four o'clock, to find, from what Mr. Micawber said, that he had -gone home with Uriah, and had drunk brandy-and-water at Mrs. -Heep's. - -'And I'll tell you what, my dear Copperfield,' said Mr. Micawber, -'your friend Heep is a young fellow who might be attorney-general. -If I had known that young man, at the period when my difficulties -came to a crisis, all I can say is, that I believe my creditors -would have been a great deal better managed than they were.' - -I hardly understood how this could have been, seeing that Mr. -Micawber had paid them nothing at all as it was; but I did not like -to ask. Neither did I like to say, that I hoped he had not been -too communicative to Uriah; or to inquire if they had talked much -about me. I was afraid of hurting Mr. Micawber's feelings, or, at -all events, Mrs. Micawber's, she being very sensitive; but I was -uncomfortable about it, too, and often thought about it afterwards. - -We had a beautiful little dinner. Quite an elegant dish of fish; -the kidney-end of a loin of veal, roasted; fried sausage-meat; a -partridge, and a pudding. There was wine, and there was strong -ale; and after dinner Mrs. Micawber made us a bowl of hot punch -with her own hands. - -Mr. Micawber was uncommonly convivial. I never saw him such good -company. He made his face shine with the punch, so that it looked -as if it had been varnished all over. He got cheerfully -sentimental about the town, and proposed success to it; observing -that Mrs. Micawber and himself had been made extremely snug and -comfortable there and that he never should forget the agreeable -hours they had passed in Canterbury. He proposed me afterwards; -and he, and Mrs. Micawber, and I, took a review of our past -acquaintance, in the course of which we sold the property all over -again. Then I proposed Mrs. Micawber: or, at least, said, -modestly, 'If you'll allow me, Mrs. Micawber, I shall now have the -pleasure of drinking your health, ma'am.' On which Mr. Micawber -delivered an eulogium on Mrs. Micawber's character, and said she -had ever been his guide, philosopher, and friend, and that he would -recommend me, when I came to a marrying time of life, to marry such -another woman, if such another woman could be found. - -As the punch disappeared, Mr. Micawber became still more friendly -and convivial. Mrs. Micawber's spirits becoming elevated, too, we -sang 'Auld Lang Syne'. When we came to 'Here's a hand, my trusty -frere', we all joined hands round the table; and when we declared -we would 'take a right gude Willie Waught', and hadn't the least -idea what it meant, we were really affected. - -In a word, I never saw anybody so thoroughly jovial as Mr. Micawber -was, down to the very last moment of the evening, when I took a -hearty farewell of himself and his amiable wife. Consequently, I -was not prepared, at seven o'clock next morning, to receive the -following communication, dated half past nine in the evening; a -quarter of an hour after I had left him: - - -'My DEAR YOUNG FRIEND, - -'The die is cast - all is over. Hiding the ravages of care with a -sickly mask of mirth, I have not informed you, this evening, that -there is no hope of the remittance! Under these circumstances, -alike humiliating to endure, humiliating to contemplate, and -humiliating to relate, I have discharged the pecuniary liability -contracted at this establishment, by giving a note of hand, made -payable fourteen days after date, at my residence, Pentonville, -London. When it becomes due, it will not be taken up. The result -is destruction. The bolt is impending, and the tree must fall. - -'Let the wretched man who now addresses you, my dear Copperfield, -be a beacon to you through life. He writes with that intention, -and in that hope. If he could think himself of so much use, one -gleam of day might, by possibility, penetrate into the cheerless -dungeon of his remaining existence - though his longevity is, at -present (to say the least of it), extremely problematical. - -'This is the last communication, my dear Copperfield, you will ever -receive - - 'From - - 'The - - 'Beggared Outcast, - - 'WILKINS MICAWBER.' - - -I was so shocked by the contents of this heart-rending letter, that -I ran off directly towards the little hotel with the intention of -taking it on my way to Doctor Strong's, and trying to soothe Mr. -Micawber with a word of comfort. But, half-way there, I met the -London coach with Mr. and Mrs. Micawber up behind; Mr. Micawber, -the very picture of tranquil enjoyment, smiling at Mrs. Micawber's -conversation, eating walnuts out of a paper bag, with a bottle -sticking out of his breast pocket. As they did not see me, I -thought it best, all things considered, not to see them. So, with -a great weight taken off my mind, I turned into a by-street that -was the nearest way to school, and felt, upon the whole, relieved -that they were gone; though I still liked them very much, -nevertheless. - - - -CHAPTER 18 -A RETROSPECT - - -My school-days! The silent gliding on of my existence - the -unseen, unfelt progress of my life - from childhood up to youth! -Let me think, as I look back upon that flowing water, now a dry -channel overgrown with leaves, whether there are any marks along -its course, by which I can remember how it ran. - -A moment, and I occupy my place in the Cathedral, where we all went -together, every Sunday morning, assembling first at school for that -purpose. The earthy smell, the sunless air, the sensation of the -world being shut out, the resounding of the organ through the black -and white arched galleries and aisles, are wings that take me back, -and hold me hovering above those days, in a half-sleeping and -half-waking dream. - -I am not the last boy in the school. I have risen in a few months, -over several heads. But the first boy seems to me a mighty -creature, dwelling afar off, whose giddy height is unattainable. -Agnes says 'No,' but I say 'Yes,' and tell her that she little -thinks what stores of knowledge have been mastered by the wonderful -Being, at whose place she thinks I, even I, weak aspirant, may -arrive in time. He is not my private friend and public patron, as -Steerforth was, but I hold him in a reverential respect. I chiefly -wonder what he'll be, when he leaves Doctor Strong's, and what -mankind will do to maintain any place against him. - -But who is this that breaks upon me? This is Miss Shepherd, whom -I love. - -Miss Shepherd is a boarder at the Misses Nettingalls' -establishment. I adore Miss Shepherd. She is a little girl, in a -spencer, with a round face and curly flaxen hair. The Misses -Nettingalls' young ladies come to the Cathedral too. I cannot look -upon my book, for I must look upon Miss Shepherd. When the -choristers chaunt, I hear Miss Shepherd. In the service I mentally -insert Miss Shepherd's name - I put her in among the Royal Family. -At home, in my own room, I am sometimes moved to cry out, 'Oh, Miss -Shepherd!' in a transport of love. - -For some time, I am doubtful of Miss Shepherd's feelings, but, at -length, Fate being propitious, we meet at the dancing-school. I -have Miss Shepherd for my partner. I touch Miss Shepherd's glove, -and feel a thrill go up the right arm of my jacket, and come out at -my hair. I say nothing to Miss Shepherd, but we understand each -other. Miss Shepherd and myself live but to be united. - -Why do I secretly give Miss Shepherd twelve Brazil nuts for a -present, I wonder? They are not expressive of affection, they are -difficult to pack into a parcel of any regular shape, they are hard -to crack, even in room doors, and they are oily when cracked; yet -I feel that they are appropriate to Miss Shepherd. Soft, seedy -biscuits, also, I bestow upon Miss Shepherd; and oranges -innumerable. Once, I kiss Miss Shepherd in the cloak-room. -Ecstasy! What are my agony and indignation next day, when I hear -a flying rumour that the Misses Nettingall have stood Miss Shepherd -in the stocks for turning in her toes! - -Miss Shepherd being the one pervading theme and vision of my life, -how do I ever come to break with her? I can't conceive. And yet -a coolness grows between Miss Shepherd and myself. Whispers reach -me of Miss Shepherd having said she wished I wouldn't stare so, and -having avowed a preference for Master Jones - for Jones! a boy of -no merit whatever! The gulf between me and Miss Shepherd widens. -At last, one day, I meet the Misses Nettingalls' establishment out -walking. Miss Shepherd makes a face as she goes by, and laughs to -her companion. All is over. The devotion of a life - it seems a -life, it is all the same - is at an end; Miss Shepherd comes out of -the morning service, and the Royal Family know her no more. - -I am higher in the school, and no one breaks my peace. I am not at -all polite, now, to the Misses Nettingalls' young ladies, and -shouldn't dote on any of them, if they were twice as many and -twenty times as beautiful. I think the dancing-school a tiresome -affair, and wonder why the girls can't dance by themselves and -leave us alone. I am growing great in Latin verses, and neglect -the laces of my boots. Doctor Strong refers to me in public as a -promising young scholar. Mr. Dick is wild with joy, and my aunt -remits me a guinea by the next post. - -The shade of a young butcher rises, like the apparition of an armed -head in Macbeth. Who is this young butcher? He is the terror of -the youth of Canterbury. There is a vague belief abroad, that the -beef suet with which he anoints his hair gives him unnatural -strength, and that he is a match for a man. He is a broad-faced, -bull-necked, young butcher, with rough red cheeks, an -ill-conditioned mind, and an injurious tongue. His main use of -this tongue, is, to disparage Doctor Strong's young gentlemen. He -says, publicly, that if they want anything he'll give it 'em. He -names individuals among them (myself included), whom he could -undertake to settle with one hand, and the other tied behind him. -He waylays the smaller boys to punch their unprotected heads, and -calls challenges after me in the open streets. For these -sufficient reasons I resolve to fight the butcher. - -It is a summer evening, down in a green hollow, at the corner of a -wall. I meet the butcher by appointment. I am attended by a -select body of our boys; the butcher, by two other butchers, a -young publican, and a sweep. The preliminaries are adjusted, and -the butcher and myself stand face to face. In a moment the butcher -lights ten thousand candles out of my left eyebrow. In another -moment, I don't know where the wall is, or where I am, or where -anybody is. I hardly know which is myself and which the butcher, -we are always in such a tangle and tussle, knocking about upon the -trodden grass. Sometimes I see the butcher, bloody but confident; -sometimes I see nothing, and sit gasping on my second's knee; -sometimes I go in at the butcher madly, and cut my knuckles open -against his face, without appearing to discompose him at all. At -last I awake, very queer about the head, as from a giddy sleep, and -see the butcher walking off, congratulated by the two other -butchers and the sweep and publican, and putting on his coat as he -goes; from which I augur, justly, that the victory is his. - -I am taken home in a sad plight, and I have beef-steaks put to my -eyes, and am rubbed with vinegar and brandy, and find a great puffy -place bursting out on my upper lip, which swells immoderately. For -three or four days I remain at home, a very ill-looking subject, -with a green shade over my eyes; and I should be very dull, but -that Agnes is a sister to me, and condoles with me, and reads to -me, and makes the time light and happy. Agnes has my confidence -completely, always; I tell her all about the butcher, and the -wrongs he has heaped upon me; she thinks I couldn't have done -otherwise than fight the butcher, while she shrinks and trembles at -my having fought him. - -Time has stolen on unobserved, for Adams is not the head-boy in the -days that are come now, nor has he been this many and many a day. -Adams has left the school so long, that when he comes back, on a -visit to Doctor Strong, there are not many there, besides myself, -who know him. Adams is going to be called to the bar almost -directly, and is to be an advocate, and to wear a wig. I am -surprised to find him a meeker man than I had thought, and less -imposing in appearance. He has not staggered the world yet, -either; for it goes on (as well as I can make out) pretty much the -same as if he had never joined it. - -A blank, through which the warriors of poetry and history march on -in stately hosts that seem to have no end - and what comes next! -I am the head-boy, now! I look down on the line of boys below me, -with a condescending interest in such of them as bring to my mind -the boy I was myself, when I first came there. That little fellow -seems to be no part of me; I remember him as something left behind -upon the road of life - as something I have passed, rather than -have actually been - and almost think of him as of someone else. - -And the little girl I saw on that first day at Mr. Wickfield's, -where is she? Gone also. In her stead, the perfect likeness of -the picture, a child likeness no more, moves about the house; and -Agnes - my sweet sister, as I call her in my thoughts, my -counsellor and friend, the better angel of the lives of all who -come within her calm, good, self-denying influence - is quite a -woman. - -What other changes have come upon me, besides the changes in my -growth and looks, and in the knowledge I have garnered all this -while? I wear a gold watch and chain, a ring upon my little -finger, and a long-tailed coat; and I use a great deal of bear's -grease - which, taken in conjunction with the ring, looks bad. Am -I in love again? I am. I worship the eldest Miss Larkins. - -The eldest Miss Larkins is not a little girl. She is a tall, dark, -black-eyed, fine figure of a woman. The eldest Miss Larkins is not -a chicken; for the youngest Miss Larkins is not that, and the -eldest must be three or four years older. Perhaps the eldest Miss -Larkins may be about thirty. My passion for her is beyond all -bounds. - -The eldest Miss Larkins knows officers. It is an awful thing to -bear. I see them speaking to her in the street. I see them cross -the way to meet her, when her bonnet (she has a bright taste in -bonnets) is seen coming down the pavement, accompanied by her -sister's bonnet. She laughs and talks, and seems to like it. I -spend a good deal of my own spare time in walking up and down to -meet her. If I can bow to her once in the day (I know her to bow -to, knowing Mr. Larkins), I am happier. I deserve a bow now and -then. The raging agonies I suffer on the night of the Race Ball, -where I know the eldest Miss Larkins will be dancing with the -military, ought to have some compensation, if there be even-handed -justice in the world. - -My passion takes away my appetite, and makes me wear my newest silk -neckerchief continually. I have no relief but in putting on my -best clothes, and having my boots cleaned over and over again. I -seem, then, to be worthier of the eldest Miss Larkins. Everything -that belongs to her, or is connected with her, is precious to me. -Mr. Larkins (a gruff old gentleman with a double chin, and one of -his eyes immovable in his head) is fraught with interest to me. -When I can't meet his daughter, I go where I am likely to meet him. -To say 'How do you do, Mr. Larkins? Are the young ladies and all -the family quite well?' seems so pointed, that I blush. - -I think continually about my age. Say I am seventeen, and say that -seventeen is young for the eldest Miss Larkins, what of that? -Besides, I shall be one-and-twenty in no time almost. I regularly -take walks outside Mr. Larkins's house in the evening, though it -cuts me to the heart to see the officers go in, or to hear them up -in the drawing-room, where the eldest Miss Larkins plays the harp. -I even walk, on two or three occasions, in a sickly, spoony manner, -round and round the house after the family are gone to bed, -wondering which is the eldest Miss Larkins's chamber (and pitching, -I dare say now, on Mr. Larkins's instead); wishing that a fire -would burst out; that the assembled crowd would stand appalled; -that I, dashing through them with a ladder, might rear it against -her window, save her in my arms, go back for something she had left -behind, and perish in the flames. For I am generally disinterested -in my love, and think I could be content to make a figure before -Miss Larkins, and expire. - -Generally, but not always. Sometimes brighter visions rise before -me. When I dress (the occupation of two hours), for a great ball -given at the Larkins's (the anticipation of three weeks), I indulge -my fancy with pleasing images. I picture myself taking courage to -make a declaration to Miss Larkins. I picture Miss Larkins sinking -her head upon my shoulder, and saying, 'Oh, Mr. Copperfield, can I -believe my ears!' I picture Mr. Larkins waiting on me next morning, -and saying, 'My dear Copperfield, my daughter has told me all. -Youth is no objection. Here are twenty thousand pounds. Be -happy!' I picture my aunt relenting, and blessing us; and Mr. Dick -and Doctor Strong being present at the marriage ceremony. I am a -sensible fellow, I believe - I believe, on looking back, I mean - -and modest I am sure; but all this goes on notwithstanding. -I repair to the enchanted house, where there are lights, -chattering, music, flowers, officers (I am sorry to see), and the -eldest Miss Larkins, a blaze of beauty. She is dressed in blue, -with blue flowers in her hair - forget-me-nots - as if SHE had any -need to wear forget-me-nots. It is the first really grown-up party -that I have ever been invited to, and I am a little uncomfortable; -for I appear not to belong to anybody, and nobody appears to have -anything to say to me, except Mr. Larkins, who asks me how my -schoolfellows are, which he needn't do, as I have not come there to -be insulted. - -But after I have stood in the doorway for some time, and feasted my -eyes upon the goddess of my heart, she approaches me - she, the -eldest Miss Larkins! - and asks me pleasantly, if I dance? - -I stammer, with a bow, 'With you, Miss Larkins.' - -'With no one else?' inquires Miss Larkins. - -'I should have no pleasure in dancing with anyone else.' - -Miss Larkins laughs and blushes (or I think she blushes), and says, -'Next time but one, I shall be very glad.' - -The time arrives. 'It is a waltz, I think,' Miss Larkins -doubtfully observes, when I present myself. 'Do you waltz? If -not, Captain Bailey -' - -But I do waltz (pretty well, too, as it happens), and I take Miss -Larkins out. I take her sternly from the side of Captain Bailey. -He is wretched, I have no doubt; but he is nothing to me. I have -been wretched, too. I waltz with the eldest Miss Larkins! I don't -know where, among whom, or how long. I only know that I swim about -in space, with a blue angel, in a state of blissful delirium, until -I find myself alone with her in a little room, resting on a sofa. -She admires a flower (pink camellia japonica, price half-a-crown), -in my button-hole. I give it her, and say: - -'I ask an inestimable price for it, Miss Larkins.' - -'Indeed! What is that?' returns Miss Larkins. - -'A flower of yours, that I may treasure it as a miser does gold.' - -'You're a bold boy,' says Miss Larkins. 'There.' - -She gives it me, not displeased; and I put it to my lips, and then -into my breast. Miss Larkins, laughing, draws her hand through my -arm, and says, 'Now take me back to Captain Bailey.' - -I am lost in the recollection of this delicious interview, and the -waltz, when she comes to me again, with a plain elderly gentleman -who has been playing whist all night, upon her arm, and says: - -'Oh! here is my bold friend! Mr. Chestle wants to know you, Mr. -Copperfield.' - -I feel at once that he is a friend of the family, and am much -gratified. - -'I admire your taste, sir,' says Mr. Chestle. 'It does you credit. -I suppose you don't take much interest in hops; but I am a pretty -large grower myself; and if you ever like to come over to our -neighbourhood - neighbourhood of Ashford - and take a run about our -place, -we shall be glad for you to stop as long as you like.' - -I thank Mr. Chestle warmly, and shake hands. I think I am in a -happy dream. I waltz with the eldest Miss Larkins once again. She -says I waltz so well! I go home in a state of unspeakable bliss, -and waltz in imagination, all night long, with my arm round the -blue waist of my dear divinity. For some days afterwards, I am -lost in rapturous reflections; but I neither see her in the street, -nor when I call. I am imperfectly consoled for this disappointment -by the sacred pledge, the perished flower. - -'Trotwood,' says Agnes, one day after dinner. 'Who do you think is -going to be married tomorrow? Someone you admire.' - -'Not you, I suppose, Agnes?' - -'Not me!' raising her cheerful face from the music she is copying. -'Do you hear him, Papa? - The eldest Miss Larkins.' - -'To - to Captain Bailey?' I have just enough power to ask. - -'No; to no Captain. To Mr. Chestle, a hop-grower.' - -I am terribly dejected for about a week or two. I take off my -ring, I wear my worst clothes, I use no bear's grease, and I -frequently lament over the late Miss Larkins's faded flower. -Being, by that time, rather tired of this kind of life, and having -received new provocation from the butcher, I throw the flower away, -go out with the butcher, and gloriously defeat him. - -This, and the resumption of my ring, as well as of the bear's -grease in moderation, are the last marks I can discern, now, in my -progress to seventeen. - - - -CHAPTER 19 -I LOOK ABOUT ME, AND MAKE A DISCOVERY - - -I am doubtful whether I was at heart glad or sorry, when my -school-days drew to an end, and the time came for my leaving Doctor -Strong's. I had been very happy there, I had a great attachment -for the Doctor, and I was eminent and distinguished in that little -world. For these reasons I was sorry to go; but for other reasons, -unsubstantial enough, I was glad. Misty ideas of being a young man -at my own disposal, of the importance attaching to a young man at -his own disposal, of the wonderful things to be seen and done by -that magnificent animal, and the wonderful effects he could not -fail to make upon society, lured me away. So powerful were these -visionary considerations in my boyish mind, that I seem, according -to my present way of thinking, to have left school without natural -regret. The separation has not made the impression on me, that -other separations have. I try in vain to recall how I felt about -it, and what its circumstances were; but it is not momentous in my -recollection. I suppose the opening prospect confused me. I know -that my juvenile experiences went for little or nothing then; and -that life was more like a great fairy story, which I was just about -to begin to read, than anything else. - -MY aunt and I had held many grave deliberations on the calling to -which I should be devoted. For a year or more I had endeavoured to -find a satisfactory answer to her often-repeated question, 'What I -would like to be?' But I had no particular liking, that I could -discover, for anything. If I could have been inspired with a -knowledge of the science of navigation, taken the command of a -fast-sailing expedition, and gone round the world on a triumphant -voyage of discovery, I think I might have considered myself -completely suited. But, in the absence of any such miraculous -provision, my desire was to apply myself to some pursuit that would -not lie too heavily upon her purse; and to do my duty in it, -whatever it might be. - -Mr. Dick had regularly assisted at our councils, with a meditative -and sage demeanour. He never made a suggestion but once; and on -that occasion (I don't know what put it in his head), he suddenly -proposed that I should be 'a Brazier'. My aunt received this -proposal so very ungraciously, that he never ventured on a second; -but ever afterwards confined himself to looking watchfully at her -for her suggestions, and rattling his money. - -'Trot, I tell you what, my dear,' said my aunt, one morning in the -Christmas season when I left school: 'as this knotty point is still -unsettled, and as we must not make a mistake in our decision if we -can help it, I think we had better take a little breathing-time. -In the meanwhile, you must try to look at it from a new point of -view, and not as a schoolboy.' - -'I will, aunt.' - -'It has occurred to me,' pursued my aunt, 'that a little change, -and a glimpse of life out of doors, may be useful in helping you to -know your own mind, and form a cooler judgement. Suppose you were -to go down into the old part of the country again, for instance, -and see that - that out-of-the-way woman with the savagest of -names,' said my aunt, rubbing her nose, for she could never -thoroughly forgive Peggotty for being so called. - -'Of all things in the world, aunt, I should like it best!' - -'Well,' said my aunt, 'that's lucky, for I should like it too. But -it's natural and rational that you should like it. And I am very -well persuaded that whatever you do, Trot, will always be natural -and rational.' - -'I hope so, aunt.' - -'Your sister, Betsey Trotwood,' said my aunt, 'would have been as -natural and rational a girl as ever breathed. You'll be worthy of -her, won't you?' - -'I hope I shall be worthy of YOU, aunt. That will be enough for -me.' - -'It's a mercy that poor dear baby of a mother of yours didn't -live,' said my aunt, looking at me approvingly, 'or she'd have been -so vain of her boy by this time, that her soft little head would -have been completely turned, if there was anything of it left to -turn.' (My aunt always excused any weakness of her own in my -behalf, by transferring it in this way to my poor mother.) 'Bless -me, Trotwood, how you do remind me of her!' - -'Pleasantly, I hope, aunt?' said I. - -'He's as like her, Dick,' said my aunt, emphatically, 'he's as like -her, as she was that afternoon before she began to fret - bless my -heart, he's as like her, as he can look at me out of his two eyes!' - -'Is he indeed?' said Mr. Dick. - -'And he's like David, too,' said my aunt, decisively. - -'He is very like David!' said Mr. Dick. - -'But what I want you to be, Trot,' resumed my aunt, '- I don't mean -physically, but morally; you are very well physically - is, a firm -fellow. A fine firm fellow, with a will of your own. With -resolution,' said my aunt, shaking her cap at me, and clenching her -hand. 'With determination. With character, Trot - with strength -of character that is not to be influenced, except on good reason, -by anybody, or by anything. That's what I want you to be. That's -what your father and mother might both have been, Heaven knows, and -been the better for it.' - -I intimated that I hoped I should be what she described. - -'That you may begin, in a small way, to have a reliance upon -yourself, and to act for yourself,' said my aunt, 'I shall send you -upon your trip, alone. I did think, once, of Mr. Dick's going with -you; but, on second thoughts, I shall keep him to take care of me.' - -Mr. Dick, for a moment, looked a little disappointed; until the -honour and dignity of having to take care of the most wonderful -woman in the world, restored the sunshine to his face. - -'Besides,' said my aunt, 'there's the Memorial -' - -'Oh, certainly,' said Mr. Dick, in a hurry, 'I intend, Trotwood, to -get that done immediately - it really must be done immediately! -And then it will go in, you know - and then -' said Mr. Dick, after -checking himself, and pausing a long time, 'there'll be a pretty -kettle of fish!' - -In pursuance of my aunt's kind scheme, I was shortly afterwards -fitted out with a handsome purse of money, and a portmanteau, and -tenderly dismissed upon my expedition. At parting, my aunt gave me -some good advice, and a good many kisses; and said that as her -object was that I should look about me, and should think a little, -she would recommend me to stay a few days in London, if I liked it, -either on my way down into Suffolk, or in coming back. In a word, -I was at liberty to do what I would, for three weeks or a month; -and no other conditions were imposed upon my freedom than the -before-mentioned thinking and looking about me, and a pledge to -write three times a week and faithfully report myself. - -I went to Canterbury first, that I might take leave of Agnes and -Mr. Wickfield (my old room in whose house I had not yet -relinquished), and also of the good Doctor. Agnes was very glad to -see me, and told me that the house had not been like itself since -I had left it. - -'I am sure I am not like myself when I am away,' said I. 'I seem -to want my right hand, when I miss you. Though that's not saying -much; for there's no head in my right hand, and no heart. Everyone -who knows you, consults with you, and is guided by you, Agnes.' - -'Everyone who knows me, spoils me, I believe,' she answered, -smiling. - -'No. It's because you are like no one else. You are so good, and -so sweet-tempered. You have such a gentle nature, and you are -always right.' - -'You talk,' said Agnes, breaking into a pleasant laugh, as she sat -at work, 'as if I were the late Miss Larkins.' - -'Come! It's not fair to abuse my confidence,' I answered, -reddening at the recollection of my blue enslaver. 'But I shall -confide in you, just the same, Agnes. I can never grow out of -that. Whenever I fall into trouble, or fall in love, I shall -always tell you, if you'll let me - even when I come to fall in -love in earnest.' - -'Why, you have always been in earnest!' said Agnes, laughing again. - -'Oh! that was as a child, or a schoolboy,' said I, laughing in my -turn, not without being a little shame-faced. 'Times are altering -now, and I suppose I shall be in a terrible state of earnestness -one day or other. My wonder is, that you are not in earnest -yourself, by this time, Agnes.' - -Agnes laughed again, and shook her head. - -'Oh, I know you are not!' said I, 'because if you had been you -would have told me. Or at least' - for I saw a faint blush in her -face, 'you would have let me find it out for myself. But there is -no one that I know of, who deserves to love you, Agnes. Someone of -a nobler character, and more worthy altogether than anyone I have -ever seen here, must rise up, before I give my consent. In the -time to come, I shall have a wary eye on all admirers; and shall -exact a great deal from the successful one, I assure you.' - -We had gone on, so far, in a mixture of confidential jest and -earnest, that had long grown naturally out of our familiar -relations, begun as mere children. But Agnes, now suddenly lifting -up her eyes to mine, and speaking in a different manner, said: - -'Trotwood, there is something that I want to ask you, and that I -may not have another opportunity of asking for a long time, perhaps -- something I would ask, I think, of no one else. Have you -observed any gradual alteration in Papa?' - -I had observed it, and had often wondered whether she had too. I -must have shown as much, now, in my face; for her eyes were in a -moment cast down, and I saw tears in them. - -'Tell me what it is,' she said, in a low voice. - -'I think - shall I be quite plain, Agnes, liking him so much?' - -'Yes,' she said. - -'I think he does himself no good by the habit that has increased -upon him since I first came here. He is often very nervous - or I -fancy so.' - -'It is not fancy,' said Agnes, shaking her head. - -'His hand trembles, his speech is not plain, and his eyes look -wild. I have remarked that at those times, and when he is least -like himself, he is most certain to be wanted on some business.' - -'By Uriah,' said Agnes. - -'Yes; and the sense of being unfit for it, or of not having -understood it, or of having shown his condition in spite of -himself, seems to make him so uneasy, that next day he is worse, -and next day worse, and so he becomes jaded and haggard. Do not be -alarmed by what I say, Agnes, but in this state I saw him, only the -other evening, lay down his head upon his desk, and shed tears like -a child.' - -Her hand passed softly before my lips while I was yet speaking, and -in a moment she had met her father at the door of the room, and was -hanging on his shoulder. The expression of her face, as they both -looked towards me, I felt to be very touching. There was such deep -fondness for him, and gratitude to him for all his love and care, -in her beautiful look; and there was such a fervent appeal to me to -deal tenderly by him, even in my inmost thoughts, and to let no -harsh construction find any place against him; she was, at once, so -proud of him and devoted to him, yet so compassionate and sorry, -and so reliant upon me to be so, too; that nothing she could have -said would have expressed more to me, or moved me more. - -We were to drink tea at the Doctor's. We went there at the usual -hour; and round the study fireside found the Doctor, and his young -wife, and her mother. The Doctor, who made as much of my going -away as if I were going to China, received me as an honoured guest; -and called for a log of wood to be thrown on the fire, that he -might see the face of his old pupil reddening in the blaze. - -'I shall not see many more new faces in Trotwood's stead, -Wickfield,' said the Doctor, warming his hands; 'I am getting lazy, -and want ease. I shall relinquish all my young people in another -six months, and lead a quieter life.' - -'You have said so, any time these ten years, Doctor,' Mr. Wickfield -answered. - -'But now I mean to do it,' returned the Doctor. 'My first master -will succeed me - I am in earnest at last - so you'll soon have to -arrange our contracts, and to bind us firmly to them, like a couple -of knaves.' - -'And to take care,' said Mr. Wickfield, 'that you're not imposed -on, eh? As you certainly would be, in any contract you should make -for yourself. Well! I am ready. There are worse tasks than that, -in my calling.' - -'I shall have nothing to think of then,' said the Doctor, with a -smile, 'but my Dictionary; and this other contract-bargain - -Annie.' - -As Mr. Wickfield glanced towards her, sitting at the tea table by -Agnes, she seemed to me to avoid his look with such unwonted -hesitation and timidity, that his attention became fixed upon her, -as if something were suggested to his thoughts. - -'There is a post come in from India, I observe,' he said, after a -short silence. - -'By the by! and letters from Mr. Jack Maldon!' said the Doctor. - -'Indeed!' -'Poor dear Jack!' said Mrs. Markleham, shaking her head. 'That -trying climate! - like living, they tell me, on a sand-heap, -underneath a burning-glass! He looked strong, but he wasn't. My -dear Doctor, it was his spirit, not his constitution, that he -ventured on so boldly. Annie, my dear, I am sure you must -perfectly recollect that your cousin never was strong - not what -can be called ROBUST, you know,' said Mrs. Markleham, with -emphasis, and looking round upon us generally, '- from the time -when my daughter and himself were children together, and walking -about, arm-in-arm, the livelong day.' - -Annie, thus addressed, made no reply. - -'Do I gather from what you say, ma'am, that Mr. Maldon is ill?' -asked Mr. Wickfield. - -'Ill!' replied the Old Soldier. 'My dear sir, he's all sorts of -things.' - -'Except well?' said Mr. Wickfield. - -'Except well, indeed!' said the Old Soldier. 'He has had dreadful -strokes of the sun, no doubt, and jungle fevers and agues, and -every kind of thing you can mention. As to his liver,' said the -Old Soldier resignedly, 'that, of course, he gave up altogether, -when he first went out!' - -'Does he say all this?' asked Mr. Wickfield. - -'Say? My dear sir,' returned Mrs. Markleham, shaking her head and -her fan, 'you little know my poor Jack Maldon when you ask that -question. Say? Not he. You might drag him at the heels of four -wild horses first.' - -'Mama!' said Mrs. Strong. - -'Annie, my dear,' returned her mother, 'once for all, I must really -beg that you will not interfere with me, unless it is to confirm -what I say. You know as well as I do that your cousin Maldon would -be dragged at the heels of any number of wild horses - why should -I confine myself to four! I WON'T confine myself to four - eight, -sixteen, two-and-thirty, rather than say anything calculated to -overturn the Doctor's plans.' - -'Wickfield's plans,' said the Doctor, stroking his face, and -looking penitently at his adviser. 'That is to say, our joint -plans for him. I said myself, abroad or at home.' - -'And I said' added Mr. Wickfield gravely, 'abroad. I was the means -of sending him abroad. It's my responsibility.' - -'Oh! Responsibility!' said the Old Soldier. 'Everything was done -for the best, my dear Mr. Wickfield; everything was done for the -kindest and best, we know. But if the dear fellow can't live -there, he can't live there. And if he can't live there, he'll die -there, sooner than he'll overturn the Doctor's plans. I know him,' -said the Old Soldier, fanning herself, in a sort of calm prophetic -agony, 'and I know he'll die there, sooner than he'll overturn the -Doctor's plans.' - -'Well, well, ma'am,' said the Doctor cheerfully, 'I am not bigoted -to my plans, and I can overturn them myself. I can substitute some -other plans. If Mr. Jack Maldon comes home on account of ill -health, he must not be allowed to go back, and we must endeavour to -make some more suitable and fortunate provision for him in this -country.' - -Mrs. Markleham was so overcome by this generous speech - which, I -need not say, she had not at all expected or led up to - that she -could only tell the Doctor it was like himself, and go several -times through that operation of kissing the sticks of her fan, and -then tapping his hand with it. After which she gently chid her -daughter Annie, for not being more demonstrative when such -kindnesses were showered, for her sake, on her old playfellow; and -entertained us with some particulars concerning other deserving -members of her family, whom it was desirable to set on their -deserving legs. - -All this time, her daughter Annie never once spoke, or lifted up -her eyes. All this time, Mr. Wickfield had his glance upon her as -she sat by his own daughter's side. It appeared to me that he -never thought of being observed by anyone; but was so intent upon -her, and upon his own thoughts in connexion with her, as to be -quite absorbed. He now asked what Mr. Jack Maldon had actually -written in reference to himself, and to whom he had written? - -'Why, here,' said Mrs. Markleham, taking a letter from the -chimney-piece above the Doctor's head, 'the dear fellow says to the -Doctor himself - where is it? Oh! - "I am sorry to inform you that -my health is suffering severely, and that I fear I may be reduced -to the necessity of returning home for a time, as the only hope of -restoration." That's pretty plain, poor fellow! His only hope of -restoration! But Annie's letter is plainer still. Annie, show me -that letter again.' - -'Not now, mama,' she pleaded in a low tone. - -'My dear, you absolutely are, on some subjects, one of the most -ridiculous persons in the world,' returned her mother, 'and perhaps -the most unnatural to the claims of your own family. We never -should have heard of the letter at all, I believe, unless I had -asked for it myself. Do you call that confidence, my love, towards -Doctor Strong? I am surprised. You ought to know better.' - -The letter was reluctantly produced; and as I handed it to the old -lady, I saw how the unwilling hand from which I took it, trembled. - -'Now let us see,' said Mrs. Markleham, putting her glass to her -eye, 'where the passage is. "The remembrance of old times, my -dearest Annie" - and so forth - it's not there. "The amiable old -Proctor" - who's he? Dear me, Annie, how illegibly your cousin -Maldon writes, and how stupid I am! "Doctor," of course. Ah! -amiable indeed!' Here she left off, to kiss her fan again, and -shake it at the Doctor, who was looking at us in a state of placid -satisfaction. 'Now I have found it. "You may not be surprised to -hear, Annie," - no, to be sure, knowing that he never was really -strong; what did I say just now? - "that I have undergone so much -in this distant place, as to have decided to leave it at all -hazards; on sick leave, if I can; on total resignation, if that is -not to be obtained. What I have endured, and do endure here, is -insupportable." And but for the promptitude of that best of -creatures,' said Mrs. Markleham, telegraphing the Doctor as before, -and refolding the letter, 'it would be insupportable to me to think -of.' - -Mr. Wickfield said not one word, though the old lady looked to him -as if for his commentary on this intelligence; but sat severely -silent, with his eyes fixed on the ground. Long after the subject -was dismissed, and other topics occupied us, he remained so; seldom -raising his eyes, unless to rest them for a moment, with a -thoughtful frown, upon the Doctor, or his wife, or both. - -The Doctor was very fond of music. Agnes sang with great sweetness -and expression, and so did Mrs. Strong. They sang together, and -played duets together, and we had quite a little concert. But I -remarked two things: first, that though Annie soon recovered her -composure, and was quite herself, there was a blank between her and -Mr. Wickfield which separated them wholly from each other; -secondly, that Mr. Wickfield seemed to dislike the intimacy between -her and Agnes, and to watch it with uneasiness. And now, I must -confess, the recollection of what I had seen on that night when Mr. -Maldon went away, first began to return upon me with a meaning it -had never had, and to trouble me. The innocent beauty of her face -was not as innocent to me as it had been; I mistrusted the natural -grace and charm of her manner; and when I looked at Agnes by her -side, and thought how good and true Agnes was, suspicions arose -within me that it was an ill-assorted friendship. - -She was so happy in it herself, however, and the other was so happy -too, that they made the evening fly away as if it were but an hour. -It closed in an incident which I well remember. They were taking -leave of each other, and Agnes was going to embrace her and kiss -her, when Mr. Wickfield stepped between them, as if by accident, -and drew Agnes quickly away. Then I saw, as though all the -intervening time had been cancelled, and I were still standing in -the doorway on the night of the departure, the expression of that -night in the face of Mrs. Strong, as it confronted his. - -I cannot say what an impression this made upon me, or how -impossible I found it, when I thought of her afterwards, to -separate her from this look, and remember her face in its innocent -loveliness again. It haunted me when I got home. I seemed to have -left the Doctor's roof with a dark cloud lowering on it. The -reverence that I had for his grey head, was mingled with -commiseration for his faith in those who were treacherous to him, -and with resentment against those who injured him. The impending -shadow of a great affliction, and a great disgrace that had no -distinct form in it yet, fell like a stain upon the quiet place -where I had worked and played as a boy, and did it a cruel wrong. -I had no pleasure in thinking, any more, of the grave old -broad-leaved aloe-trees, which remained shut up in themselves a -hundred years together, and of the trim smooth grass-plot, and the -stone urns, and the Doctor's walk, and the congenial sound of the -Cathedral bell hovering above them all. It was as if the tranquil -sanctuary of my boyhood had been sacked before my face, and its -peace and honour given to the winds. - -But morning brought with it my parting from the old house, which -Agnes had filled with her influence; and that occupied my mind -sufficiently. I should be there again soon, no doubt; I might -sleep again - perhaps often - in my old room; but the days of my -inhabiting there were gone, and the old time was past. I was -heavier at heart when I packed up such of my books and clothes as -still remained there to be sent to Dover, than I cared to show to -Uriah Heep; who was so officious to help me, that I uncharitably -thought him mighty glad that I was going. - -I got away from Agnes and her father, somehow, with an indifferent -show of being very manly, and took my seat upon the box of the -London coach. I was so softened and forgiving, going through the -town, that I had half a mind to nod to my old enemy the butcher, -and throw him five shillings to drink. But he looked such a very -obdurate butcher as he stood scraping the great block in the shop, -and moreover, his appearance was so little improved by the loss of -a front tooth which I had knocked out, that I thought it best to -make no advances. - -The main object on my mind, I remember, when we got fairly on the -road, was to appear as old as possible to the coachman, and to -speak extremely gruff. The latter point I achieved at great -personal inconvenience; but I stuck to it, because I felt it was a -grown-up sort of thing. - -'You are going through, sir?' said the coachman. - -'Yes, William,' I said, condescendingly (I knew him); 'I am going -to London. I shall go down into Suffolk afterwards.' - -'Shooting, sir?' said the coachman. - -He knew as well as I did that it was just as likely, at that time -of year, I was going down there whaling; but I felt complimented, -too. - -'I don't know,' I said, pretending to be undecided, 'whether I -shall take a shot or not.' -'Birds is got wery shy, I'm told,' said William. - -'So I understand,' said I. - -'Is Suffolk your county, sir?' asked William. - -'Yes,' I said, with some importance. 'Suffolk's my county.' - -'I'm told the dumplings is uncommon fine down there,' said William. - -I was not aware of it myself, but I felt it necessary to uphold the -institutions of my county, and to evince a familiarity with them; -so I shook my head, as much as to say, 'I believe you!' - -'And the Punches,' said William. 'There's cattle! A Suffolk -Punch, when he's a good un, is worth his weight in gold. Did you -ever breed any Suffolk Punches yourself, sir?' - -'N-no,' I said, 'not exactly.' - -'Here's a gen'lm'n behind me, I'll pound it,' said William, 'as has -bred 'em by wholesale.' - -The gentleman spoken of was a gentleman with a very unpromising -squint, and a prominent chin, who had a tall white hat on with a -narrow flat brim, and whose close-fitting drab trousers seemed to -button all the way up outside his legs from his boots to his hips. -His chin was cocked over the coachman's shoulder, so near to me, -that his breath quite tickled the back of my head; and as I looked -at him, he leered at the leaders with the eye with which he didn't -squint, in a very knowing manner. - -'Ain't you?' asked William. - -'Ain't I what?' said the gentleman behind. - -'Bred them Suffolk Punches by wholesale?' - -'I should think so,' said the gentleman. 'There ain't no sort of -orse that I ain't bred, and no sort of dorg. Orses and dorgs is -some men's fancy. They're wittles and drink to me - lodging, wife, -and children - reading, writing, and Arithmetic - snuff, tobacker, -and sleep.' - -'That ain't a sort of man to see sitting behind a coach-box, is it -though?' said William in my ear, as he handled the reins. - -I construed this remark into an indication of a wish that he should -have my place, so I blushingly offered to resign it. - -'Well, if you don't mind, sir,' said William, 'I think it would be -more correct.' - -I have always considered this as the first fall I had in life. -When I booked my place at the coach office I had had 'Box Seat' -written against the entry, and had given the book-keeper -half-a-crown. I was got up in a special great-coat and shawl, -expressly to do honour to that distinguished eminence; had -glorified myself upon it a good deal; and had felt that I was a -credit to the coach. And here, in the very first stage, I was -supplanted by a shabby man with a squint, who had no other merit -than smelling like a livery-stables, and being able to walk across -me, more like a fly than a human being, while the horses were at a -canter! - -A distrust of myself, which has often beset me in life on small -occasions, when it would have been better away, was assuredly not -stopped in its growth by this little incident outside the -Canterbury coach. It was in vain to take refuge in gruffness of -speech. I spoke from the pit of my stomach for the rest of the -journey, but I felt completely extinguished, and dreadfully young. - -It was curious and interesting, nevertheless, to be sitting up -there behind four horses: well educated, well dressed, and with -plenty of money in my pocket; and to look out for the places where -I had slept on my weary journey. I had abundant occupation for my -thoughts, in every conspicuous landmark on the road. When I looked -down at the trampers whom we passed, and saw that well-remembered -style of face turned up, I felt as if the tinker's blackened hand -were in the bosom of my shirt again. When we clattered through the -narrow street of Chatham, and I caught a glimpse, in passing, of -the lane where the old monster lived who had bought my jacket, I -stretched my neck eagerly to look for the place where I had sat, in -the sun and in the shade, waiting for my money. When we came, at -last, within a stage of London, and passed the veritable Salem -House where Mr. Creakle had laid about him with a heavy hand, I -would have given all I had, for lawful permission to get down and -thrash him, and let all the boys out like so many caged sparrows. - -We went to the Golden Cross at Charing Cross, then a mouldy sort of -establishment in a close neighbourhood. A waiter showed me into -the coffee-room; and a chambermaid introduced me to my small -bedchamber, which smelt like a hackney-coach, and was shut up like -a family vault. I was still painfully conscious of my youth, for -nobody stood in any awe of me at all: the chambermaid being utterly -indifferent to my opinions on any subject, and the waiter being -familiar with me, and offering advice to my inexperience. - -'Well now,' said the waiter, in a tone of confidence, 'what would -you like for dinner? Young gentlemen likes poultry in general: -have a fowl!' - -I told him, as majestically as I could, that I wasn't in the humour -for a fowl. - -'Ain't you?' said the waiter. 'Young gentlemen is generally tired -of beef and mutton: have a weal cutlet!' - -I assented to this proposal, in default of being able to suggest -anything else. - -'Do you care for taters?' said the waiter, with an insinuating -smile, and his head on one side. 'Young gentlemen generally has -been overdosed with taters.' - -I commanded him, in my deepest voice, to order a veal cutlet and -potatoes, and all things fitting; and to inquire at the bar if -there were any letters for Trotwood Copperfield, Esquire - which I -knew there were not, and couldn't be, but thought it manly to -appear to expect. - -He soon came back to say that there were none (at which I was much -surprised) and began to lay the cloth for my dinner in a box by the -fire. While he was so engaged, he asked me what I would take with -it; and on my replying 'Half a pint of sherry,'thought it a -favourable opportunity, I am afraid, to extract that measure of -wine from the stale leavings at the bottoms of several small -decanters. I am of this opinion, because, while I was reading the -newspaper, I observed him behind a low wooden partition, which was -his private apartment, very busy pouring out of a number of those -vessels into one, like a chemist and druggist making up a -prescription. When the wine came, too, I thought it flat; and it -certainly had more English crumbs in it, than were to be expected -in a foreign wine in anything like a pure state, but I was bashful -enough to drink it, and say nothing. - -Being then in a pleasant frame of mind (from which I infer that -poisoning is not always disagreeable in some stages of the -process), I resolved to go to the play. It was Covent Garden -Theatre that I chose; and there, from the back of a centre box, I -saw Julius Caesar and the new Pantomime. To have all those noble -Romans alive before me, and walking in and out for my -entertainment, instead of being the stern taskmasters they had been -at school, was a most novel and delightful effect. But the mingled -reality and mystery of the whole show, the influence upon me of the -poetry, the lights, the music, the company, the smooth stupendous -changes of glittering and brilliant scenery, were so dazzling, and -opened up such illimitable regions of delight, that when I came out -into the rainy street, at twelve o'clock at night, I felt as if I -had come from the clouds, where I had been leading a romantic life -for ages, to a bawling, splashing, link-lighted, -umbrella-struggling, hackney-coach-jostling, patten-clinking, -muddy, miserable world. - -I had emerged by another door, and stood in the street for a little -while, as if I really were a stranger upon earth: but the -unceremonious pushing and hustling that I received, soon recalled -me to myself, and put me in the road back to the hotel; whither I -went, revolving the glorious vision all the way; and where, after -some porter and oysters, I sat revolving it still, at past one -o'clock, with my eyes on the coffee-room fire. - -I was so filled with the play, and with the past - for it was, in -a manner, like a shining transparency, through which I saw my -earlier life moving along - that I don't know when the figure of a -handsome well-formed young man dressed with a tasteful easy -negligence which I have reason to remember very well, became a real -presence to me. But I recollect being conscious of his company -without having noticed his coming in - and my still sitting, -musing, over the coffee-room fire. - -At last I rose to go to bed, much to the relief of the sleepy -waiter, who had got the fidgets in his legs, and was twisting them, -and hitting them, and putting them through all kinds of contortions -in his small pantry. In going towards the door, I passed the -person who had come in, and saw him plainly. I turned directly, -came back, and looked again. He did not know me, but I knew him in -a moment. - -At another time I might have wanted the confidence or the decision -to speak to him, and might have put it off until next day, and -might have lost him. But, in the then condition of my mind, where -the play was still running high, his former protection of me -appeared so deserving of my gratitude, and my old love for him -overflowed my breast so freshly and spontaneously, that I went up -to him at once, with a fast-beating heart, and said: - -'Steerforth! won't you speak to me?' - -He looked at me - just as he used to look, sometimes -but I saw no -recognition in his face. - -'You don't remember me, I am afraid,' said I. - -'My God!' he suddenly exclaimed. 'It's little Copperfield!' - -I grasped him by both hands, and could not let them go. But for -very shame, and the fear that it might displease him, I could have -held him round the neck and cried. - -'I never, never, never was so glad! My dear Steerforth, I am so -overjoyed to see you!' - -'And I am rejoiced to see you, too!' he said, shaking my hands -heartily. 'Why, Copperfield, old boy, don't be overpowered!' And -yet he was glad, too, I thought, to see how the delight I had in -meeting him affected me. - -I brushed away the tears that my utmost resolution had not been -able to keep back, and I made a clumsy laugh of it, and we sat down -together, side by side. - -'Why, how do you come to be here?' said Steerforth, clapping me on -the shoulder. - -'I came here by the Canterbury coach, today. I have been adopted -by an aunt down in that part of the country, and have just finished -my education there. How do YOU come to be here, Steerforth?' - -'Well, I am what they call an Oxford man,' he returned; 'that is to -say, I get bored to death down there, periodically - and I am on my -way now to my mother's. You're a devilish amiable-looking fellow, -Copperfield. Just what you used to be, now I look at you! Not -altered in the least!' - -'I knew you immediately,' I said; 'but you are more easily -remembered.' - -He laughed as he ran his hand through the clustering curls of his -hair, and said gaily: - -'Yes, I am on an expedition of duty. My mother lives a little way -out of town; and the roads being in a beastly condition, and our -house tedious enough, I remained here tonight instead of going on. -I have not been in town half-a-dozen hours, and those I have been -dozing and grumbling away at the play.' - -'I have been at the play, too,' said I. 'At Covent Garden. What -a delightful and magnificent entertainment, Steerforth!' - -Steerforth laughed heartily. - -'My dear young Davy,' he said, clapping me on the shoulder again, -'you are a very Daisy. The daisy of the field, at sunrise, is not -fresher than you are. I have been at Covent Garden, too, and there -never was a more miserable business. Holloa, you sir!' - -This was addressed to the waiter, who had been very attentive to -our recognition, at a distance, and now came forward deferentially. - -'Where have you put my friend, Mr. Copperfield?' said Steerforth. - -'Beg your pardon, sir?' - -'Where does he sleep? What's his number? You know what I mean,' -said Steerforth. - -'Well, sir,' said the waiter, with an apologetic air. 'Mr. -Copperfield is at present in forty-four, sir.' - -'And what the devil do you mean,' retorted Steerforth, 'by putting -Mr. Copperfield into a little loft over a stable?' - -'Why, you see we wasn't aware, sir,' returned the waiter, still -apologetically, 'as Mr. Copperfield was anyways particular. We can -give Mr. Copperfield seventy-two, sir, if it would be preferred. -Next you, sir.' - -'Of course it would be preferred,' said Steerforth. 'And do it at -once.' -The waiter immediately withdrew to make the exchange. Steerforth, -very much amused at my having been put into forty-four, laughed -again, and clapped me on the shoulder again, and invited me to -breakfast with him next morning at ten o'clock - an invitation I -was only too proud and happy to accept. It being now pretty late, -we took our candles and went upstairs, where we parted with -friendly heartiness at his door, and where I found my new room a -great improvement on my old one, it not being at all musty, and -having an immense four-post bedstead in it, which was quite a -little landed estate. Here, among pillows enough for six, I soon -fell asleep in a blissful condition, and dreamed of ancient Rome, -Steerforth, and friendship, until the early morning coaches, -rumbling out of the archway underneath, made me dream of thunder -and the gods. - - - -CHAPTER 20 -STEERFORTH'S HOME - - -When the chambermaid tapped at my door at eight o'clock, and -informed me that my shaving-water was outside, I felt severely the -having no occasion for it, and blushed in my bed. The suspicion -that she laughed too, when she said it, preyed upon my mind all the -time I was dressing; and gave me, I was conscious, a sneaking and -guilty air when I passed her on the staircase, as I was going down -to breakfast. I was so sensitively aware, indeed, of being younger -than I could have wished, that for some time I could not make up my -mind to pass her at all, under the ignoble circumstances of the -case; but, hearing her there with a broom, stood peeping out of -window at King Charles on horseback, surrounded by a maze of -hackney-coaches, and looking anything but regal in a drizzling rain -and a dark-brown fog, until I was admonished by the waiter that the -gentleman was waiting for me. - -It was not in the coffee-room that I found Steerforth expecting me, -but in a snug private apartment, red-curtained and Turkey-carpeted, -where the fire burnt bright, and a fine hot breakfast was set forth -on a table covered with a clean cloth; and a cheerful miniature of -the room, the fire, the breakfast, Steerforth, and all, was shining -in the little round mirror over the sideboard. I was rather -bashful at first, Steerforth being so self-possessed, and elegant, -and superior to me in all respects (age included); but his easy -patronage soon put that to rights, and made me quite at home. I -could not enough admire the change he had wrought in the Golden -Cross; or compare the dull forlorn state I had held yesterday, with -this morning's comfort and this morning's entertainment. As to the -waiter's familiarity, it was quenched as if it had never been. He -attended on us, as I may say, in sackcloth and ashes. - -'Now, Copperfield,' said Steerforth, when we were alone, 'I should -like to hear what you are doing, and where you are going, and all -about you. I feel as if you were my property.' -Glowing with pleasure to find that he had still this interest in -me, I told him how my aunt had proposed the little expedition that -I had before me, and whither it tended. - -'As you are in no hurry, then,' said Steerforth, 'come home with me -to Highgate, and stay a day or two. You will be pleased with my -mother - she is a little vain and prosy about me, but that you can -forgive her - and she will be pleased with you.' - -'I should like to be as sure of that, as you are kind enough to say -you are,' I answered, smiling. - -'Oh!' said Steerforth, 'everyone who likes me, has a claim on her -that is sure to be acknowledged.' - -'Then I think I shall be a favourite,' said I. - -'Good!' said Steerforth. 'Come and prove it. We will go and see -the lions for an hour or two - it's something to have a fresh -fellow like you to show them to, Copperfield - and then we'll -journey out to Highgate by the coach.' - -I could hardly believe but that I was in a dream, and that I should -wake presently in number forty-four, to the solitary box in the -coffee-room and the familiar waiter again. After I had written to -my aunt and told her of my fortunate meeting with my admired old -schoolfellow, and my acceptance of his invitation, we went out in -a hackney-chariot, and saw a Panorama and some other sights, and -took a walk through the Museum, where I could not help observing -how much Steerforth knew, on an infinite variety of subjects, and -of how little account he seemed to make his knowledge. - -'You'll take a high degree at college, Steerforth,' said I, 'if you -have not done so already; and they will have good reason to be -proud of you.' - -'I take a degree!' cried Steerforth. 'Not I! my dear Daisy - will -you mind my calling you Daisy?' - -'Not at all!' said I. - -'That's a good fellow! My dear Daisy,' said Steerforth, laughing. -'I have not the least desire or intention to distinguish myself in -that way. I have done quite sufficient for my purpose. I find -that I am heavy company enough for myself as I am.' - -'But the fame -' I was beginning. - -'You romantic Daisy!' said Steerforth, laughing still more -heartily: 'why should I trouble myself, that a parcel of -heavy-headed fellows may gape and hold up their hands? Let them do -it at some other man. There's fame for him, and he's welcome to -it.' - -I was abashed at having made so great a mistake, and was glad to -change the subject. Fortunately it was not difficult to do, for -Steerforth could always pass from one subject to another with a -carelessness and lightness that were his own. - -Lunch succeeded to our sight-seeing, and the short winter day wore -away so fast, that it was dusk when the stage-coach stopped with us -at an old brick house at Highgate on the summit of the hill. An -elderly lady, though not very far advanced in years, with a proud -carriage and a handsome face, was in the doorway as we alighted; -and greeting Steerforth as 'My dearest James,' folded him in her -arms. To this lady he presented me as his mother, and she gave me -a stately welcome. - -It was a genteel old-fashioned house, very quiet and orderly. From -the windows of my room I saw all London lying in the distance like -a great vapour, with here and there some lights twinkling through -it. I had only time, in dressing, to glance at the solid -furniture, the framed pieces of work (done, I supposed, by -Steerforth's mother when she was a girl), and some pictures in -crayons of ladies with powdered hair and bodices, coming and going -on the walls, as the newly-kindled fire crackled and sputtered, -when I was called to dinner. - -There was a second lady in the dining-room, of a slight short -figure, dark, and not agreeable to look at, but with some -appearance of good looks too, who attracted my attention: perhaps -because I had not expected to see her; perhaps because I found -myself sitting opposite to her; perhaps because of something really -remarkable in her. She had black hair and eager black eyes, and -was thin, and had a scar upon her lip. It was an old scar - I -should rather call it seam, for it was not discoloured, and had -healed years ago - which had once cut through her mouth, downward -towards the chin, but was now barely visible across the table, -except above and on her upper lip, the shape of which it had -altered. I concluded in my own mind that she was about thirty -years of age, and that she wished to be married. She was a little -dilapidated - like a house - with having been so long to let; yet -had, as I have said, an appearance of good looks. Her thinness -seemed to be the effect of some wasting fire within her, which -found a vent in her gaunt eyes. - -She was introduced as Miss Dartle, and both Steerforth and his -mother called her Rosa. I found that she lived there, and had been -for a long time Mrs. Steerforth's companion. It appeared to me -that she never said anything she wanted to say, outright; but -hinted it, and made a great deal more of it by this practice. For -example, when Mrs. Steerforth observed, more in jest than earnest, -that she feared her son led but a wild life at college, Miss Dartle -put in thus: - -'Oh, really? You know how ignorant I am, and that I only ask for -information, but isn't it always so? I thought that kind of life -was on all hands understood to be - eh?' -'It is education for a very grave profession, if you mean that, -Rosa,' Mrs. Steerforth answered with some coldness. - -'Oh! Yes! That's very true,' returned Miss Dartle. 'But isn't -it, though? - I want to be put right, if I am wrong - isn't it, -really?' - -'Really what?' said Mrs. Steerforth. - -'Oh! You mean it's not!' returned Miss Dartle. 'Well, I'm very -glad to hear it! Now, I know what to do! That's the advantage of -asking. I shall never allow people to talk before me about -wastefulness and profligacy, and so forth, in connexion with that -life, any more.' - -'And you will be right,' said Mrs. Steerforth. 'My son's tutor is -a conscientious gentleman; and if I had not implicit reliance on my -son, I should have reliance on him.' - -'Should you?' said Miss Dartle. 'Dear me! Conscientious, is he? -Really conscientious, now?' - -'Yes, I am convinced of it,' said Mrs. Steerforth. - -'How very nice!' exclaimed Miss Dartle. 'What a comfort! Really -conscientious? Then he's not - but of course he can't be, if he's -really conscientious. Well, I shall be quite happy in my opinion -of him, from this time. You can't think how it elevates him in my -opinion, to know for certain that he's really conscientious!' - -Her own views of every question, and her correction of everything -that was said to which she was opposed, Miss Dartle insinuated in -the same way: sometimes, I could not conceal from myself, with -great power, though in contradiction even of Steerforth. An -instance happened before dinner was done. Mrs. Steerforth speaking -to me about my intention of going down into Suffolk, I said at -hazard how glad I should be, if Steerforth would only go there with -me; and explaining to him that I was going to see my old nurse, and -Mr. Peggotty's family, I reminded him of the boatman whom he had -seen at school. - -'Oh! That bluff fellow!' said Steerforth. 'He had a son with him, -hadn't he?' - -'No. That was his nephew,' I replied; 'whom he adopted, though, as -a son. He has a very pretty little niece too, whom he adopted as -a daughter. In short, his house - or rather his boat, for he lives -in one, on dry land - is full of people who are objects of his -generosity and kindness. You would be delighted to see that -household.' - -'Should I?' said Steerforth. 'Well, I think I should. I must see -what can be done. It would be worth a journey (not to mention the -pleasure of a journey with you, Daisy), to see that sort of people -together, and to make one of 'em.' - -My heart leaped with a new hope of pleasure. But it was in -reference to the tone in which he had spoken of 'that sort of -people', that Miss Dartle, whose sparkling eyes had been watchful -of us, now broke in again. - -'Oh, but, really? Do tell me. Are they, though?' she said. - -'Are they what? And are who what?' said Steerforth. - -'That sort of people. - Are they really animals and clods, and -beings of another order? I want to know SO much.' - -'Why, there's a pretty wide separation between them and us,' said -Steerforth, with indifference. 'They are not to be expected to be -as sensitive as we are. Their delicacy is not to be shocked, or -hurt easily. They are wonderfully virtuous, I dare say - some -people contend for that, at least; and I am sure I don't want to -contradict them - but they have not very fine natures, and they may -be thankful that, like their coarse rough skins, they are not -easily wounded.' - -'Really!' said Miss Dartle. 'Well, I don't know, now, when I have -been better pleased than to hear that. It's so consoling! It's -such a delight to know that, when they suffer, they don't feel! -Sometimes I have been quite uneasy for that sort of people; but now -I shall just dismiss the idea of them, altogether. Live and learn. -I had my doubts, I confess, but now they're cleared up. I didn't -know, and now I do know, and that shows the advantage of asking - -don't it?' - -I believed that Steerforth had said what he had, in jest, or to -draw Miss Dartle out; and I expected him to say as much when she -was gone, and we two were sitting before the fire. But he merely -asked me what I thought of her. - -'She is very clever, is she not?' I asked. - -'Clever! She brings everything to a grindstone,' said Steerforth, -and sharpens it, as she has sharpened her own face and figure these -years past. She has worn herself away by constant sharpening. She -is all edge.' - -'What a remarkable scar that is upon her lip!' I said. - -Steerforth's face fell, and he paused a moment. - -'Why, the fact is,' he returned, 'I did that.' - -'By an unfortunate accident!' - -'No. I was a young boy, and she exasperated me, and I threw a -hammer at her. A promising young angel I must have been!' -I was deeply sorry to have touched on such a painful theme, but -that was useless now. - -'She has borne the mark ever since, as you see,' said Steerforth; -'and she'll bear it to her grave, if she ever rests in one - though -I can hardly believe she will ever rest anywhere. She was the -motherless child of a sort of cousin of my father's. He died one -day. My mother, who was then a widow, brought her here to be -company to her. She has a couple of thousand pounds of her own, -and saves the interest of it every year, to add to the principal. -There's the history of Miss Rosa Dartle for you.' - -'And I have no doubt she loves you like a brother?' said I. - -'Humph!' retorted Steerforth, looking at the fire. 'Some brothers -are not loved over much; and some love - but help yourself, -Copperfield! We'll drink the daisies of the field, in compliment -to you; and the lilies of the valley that toil not, neither do they -spin, in compliment to me - the more shame for me!' A moody smile -that had overspread his features cleared off as he said this -merrily, and he was his own frank, winning self again. - -I could not help glancing at the scar with a painful interest when -we went in to tea. It was not long before I observed that it was -the most susceptible part of her face, and that, when she turned -pale, that mark altered first, and became a dull, lead-coloured -streak, lengthening out to its full extent, like a mark in -invisible ink brought to the fire. There was a little altercation -between her and Steerforth about a cast of the dice at back gammon -- when I thought her, for one moment, in a storm of rage; and then -I saw it start forth like the old writing on the wall. - -It was no matter of wonder to me to find Mrs. Steerforth devoted to -her son. She seemed to be able to speak or think about nothing -else. She showed me his picture as an infant, in a locket, with -some of his baby-hair in it; she showed me his picture as he had -been when I first knew him; and she wore at her breast his picture -as he was now. All the letters he had ever written to her, she -kept in a cabinet near her own chair by the fire; and she would -have read me some of them, and I should have been very glad to hear -them too, if he had not interposed, and coaxed her out of the -design. - -'It was at Mr. Creakle's, my son tells me, that you first became -acquainted,' said Mrs. Steerforth, as she and I were talking at one -table, while they played backgammon at another. 'Indeed, I -recollect his speaking, at that time, of a pupil younger than -himself who had taken his fancy there; but your name, as you may -suppose, has not lived in my memory.' - -'He was very generous and noble to me in those days, I assure you, -ma'am,' said I, 'and I stood in need of such a friend. I should -have been quite crushed without him.' - -'He is always generous and noble,' said Mrs. Steerforth, proudly. - -I subscribed to this with all my heart, God knows. She knew I did; -for the stateliness of her manner already abated towards me, except -when she spoke in praise of him, and then her air was always lofty. - -'It was not a fit school generally for my son,' said she; 'far from -it; but there were particular circumstances to be considered at the -time, of more importance even than that selection. My son's high -spirit made it desirable that he should be placed with some man who -felt its superiority, and would be content to bow himself before -it; and we found such a man there.' - -I knew that, knowing the fellow. And yet I did not despise him the -more for it, but thought it a redeeming quality in him if he could -be allowed any grace for not resisting one so irresistible as -Steerforth. - -'My son's great capacity was tempted on, there, by a feeling of -voluntary emulation and conscious pride,' the fond lady went on to -say. 'He would have risen against all constraint; but he found -himself the monarch of the place, and he haughtily determined to be -worthy of his station. It was like himself.' - -I echoed, with all my heart and soul, that it was like himself. - -'So my son took, of his own will, and on no compulsion, to the -course in which he can always, when it is his pleasure, outstrip -every competitor,' she pursued. 'My son informs me, Mr. -Copperfield, that you were quite devoted to him, and that when you -met yesterday you made yourself known to him with tears of joy. I -should be an affected woman if I made any pretence of being -surprised by my son's inspiring such emotions; but I cannot be -indifferent to anyone who is so sensible of his merit, and I am -very glad to see you here, and can assure you that he feels an -unusual friendship for you, and that you may rely on his -protection.' - -Miss Dartle played backgammon as eagerly as she did everything -else. If I had seen her, first, at the board, I should have -fancied that her figure had got thin, and her eyes had got large, -over that pursuit, and no other in the world. But I am very much -mistaken if she missed a word of this, or lost a look of mine as I -received it with the utmost pleasure, and honoured by Mrs. -Steerforth's confidence, felt older than I had done since I left -Canterbury. - -When the evening was pretty far spent, and a tray of glasses and -decanters came in, Steerforth promised, over the fire, that he -would seriously think of going down into the country with me. -There was no hurry, he said; a week hence would do; and his mother -hospitably said the same. While we were talking, he more than once -called me Daisy; which brought Miss Dartle out again. - -'But really, Mr. Copperfield,' she asked, 'is it a nickname? And -why does he give it you? Is it - eh? - because he thinks you young -and innocent? I am so stupid in these things.' - -I coloured in replying that I believed it was. - -'Oh!' said Miss Dartle. 'Now I am glad to know that! I ask for -information, and I am glad to know it. He thinks you young and -innocent; and so you are his friend. Well, that's quite -delightful!' - -She went to bed soon after this, and Mrs. Steerforth retired too. -Steerforth and I, after lingering for half-an-hour over the fire, -talking about Traddles and all the rest of them at old Salem House, -went upstairs together. Steerforth's room was next to mine, and I -went in to look at it. It was a picture of comfort, full of -easy-chairs, cushions and footstools, worked by his mother's hand, -and with no sort of thing omitted that could help to render it -complete. Finally, her handsome features looked down on her -darling from a portrait on the wall, as if it were even something -to her that her likeness should watch him while he slept. - -I found the fire burning clear enough in my room by this time, and -the curtains drawn before the windows and round the bed, giving it -a very snug appearance. I sat down in a great chair upon the -hearth to meditate on my happiness; and had enjoyed the -contemplation of it for some time, when I found a likeness of Miss -Dartle looking eagerly at me from above the chimney-piece. - -It was a startling likeness, and necessarily had a startling look. -The painter hadn't made the scar, but I made it; and there it was, -coming and going; now confined to the upper lip as I had seen it at -dinner, and now showing the whole extent of the wound inflicted by -the hammer, as I had seen it when she was passionate. - -I wondered peevishly why they couldn't put her anywhere else -instead of quartering her on me. To get rid of her, I undressed -quickly, extinguished my light, and went to bed. But, as I fell -asleep, I could not forget that she was still there looking, 'Is it -really, though? I want to know'; and when I awoke in the night, I -found that I was uneasily asking all sorts of people in my dreams -whether it really was or not - without knowing what I meant. - - - -CHAPTER 21 -LITTLE EM'LY - - -There was a servant in that house, a man who, I understood, was -usually with Steerforth, and had come into his service at the -University, who was in appearance a pattern of respectability. I -believe there never existed in his station a more -respectable-looking man. He was taciturn, soft-footed, very quiet -in his manner, deferential, observant, always at hand when wanted, -and never near when not wanted; but his great claim to -consideration was his respectability. He had not a pliant face, he -had rather a stiff neck, rather a tight smooth head with short hair -clinging to it at the sides, a soft way of speaking, with a -peculiar habit of whispering the letter S so distinctly, that he -seemed to use it oftener than any other man; but every peculiarity -that he had he made respectable. If his nose had been upside-down, -he would have made that respectable. He surrounded himself with an -atmosphere of respectability, and walked secure in it. It would -have been next to impossible to suspect him of anything wrong, he -was so thoroughly respectable. Nobody could have thought of -putting him in a livery, he was so highly respectable. To have -imposed any derogatory work upon him, would have been to inflict a -wanton insult on the feelings of a most respectable man. And of -this, I noticed- the women-servants in the household were so -intuitively conscious, that they always did such work themselves, -and generally while he read the paper by the pantry fire. - -Such a self-contained man I never saw. But in that quality, as in -every other he possessed, he only seemed to be the more -respectable. Even the fact that no one knew his Christian name, -seemed to form a part of his respectability. Nothing could be -objected against his surname, Littimer, by which he was known. -Peter might have been hanged, or Tom transported; but Littimer was -perfectly respectable. - -It was occasioned, I suppose, by the reverend nature of -respectability in the abstract, but I felt particularly young in -this man's presence. How old he was himself, I could not guess - -and that again went to his credit on the same score; for in the -calmness of respectability he might have numbered fifty years as -well as thirty. - -Littimer was in my room in the morning before I was up, to bring me -that reproachful shaving-water, and to put out my clothes. When I -undrew the curtains and looked out of bed, I saw him, in an equable -temperature of respectability, unaffected by the east wind of -January, and not even breathing frostily, standing my boots right -and left in the first dancing position, and blowing specks of dust -off my coat as he laid it down like a baby. - -I gave him good morning, and asked him what o'clock it was. He -took out of his pocket the most respectable hunting-watch I ever -saw, and preventing the spring with his thumb from opening far, -looked in at the face as if he were consulting an oracular oyster, -shut it up again, and said, if I pleased, it was half past eight. - -'Mr. Steerforth will be glad to hear how you have rested, sir.' - -'Thank you,' said I, 'very well indeed. Is Mr. Steerforth quite -well?' - -'Thank you, sir, Mr. Steerforth is tolerably well.' Another of his -characteristics - no use of superlatives. A cool calm medium -always. - -'Is there anything more I can have the honour of doing for you, -sir? The warning-bell will ring at nine; the family take breakfast -at half past nine.' - -'Nothing, I thank you.' - -'I thank YOU, sir, if you please'; and with that, and with a little -inclination of his head when he passed the bed-side, as an apology -for correcting me, he went out, shutting the door as delicately as -if I had just fallen into a sweet sleep on which my life depended. - -Every morning we held exactly this conversation: never any more, -and never any less: and yet, invariably, however far I might have -been lifted out of myself over-night, and advanced towards maturer -years, by Steerforth's companionship, or Mrs. Steerforth's -confidence, or Miss Dartle's conversation, in the presence of this -most respectable man I became, as our smaller poets sing, 'a boy -again'. - -He got horses for us; and Steerforth, who knew everything, gave me -lessons in riding. He provided foils for us, and Steerforth gave -me lessons in fencing - gloves, and I began, of the same master, to -improve in boxing. It gave me no manner of concern that Steerforth -should find me a novice in these sciences, but I never could bear -to show my want of skill before the respectable Littimer. I had no -reason to believe that Littimer understood such arts himself; he -never led me to suppose anything of the kind, by so much as the -vibration of one of his respectable eyelashes; yet whenever he was -by, while we were practising, I felt myself the greenest and most -inexperienced of mortals. - -I am particular about this man, because he made a particular effect -on me at that time, and because of what took place thereafter. - -The week passed away in a most delightful manner. It passed -rapidly, as may be supposed, to one entranced as I was; and yet it -gave me so many occasions for knowing Steerforth better, and -admiring him more in a thousand respects, that at its close I -seemed to have been with him for a much longer time. A dashing way -he had of treating me like a plaything, was more agreeable to me -than any behaviour he could have adopted. It reminded me of our -old acquaintance; it seemed the natural sequel of it; it showed me -that he was unchanged; it relieved me of any uneasiness I might -have felt, in comparing my merits with his, and measuring my claims -upon his friendship by any equal standard; above all, it was a -familiar, unrestrained, affectionate demeanour that he used towards -no one else. As he had treated me at school differently from all -the rest, I joyfully believed that he treated me in life unlike any -other friend he had. I believed that I was nearer to his heart -than any other friend, and my own heart warmed with attachment to -him. -He made up his mind to go with me into the country, and the day -arrived for our departure. He had been doubtful at first whether -to take Littimer or not, but decided to leave him at home. The -respectable creature, satisfied with his lot whatever it was, -arranged our portmanteaux on the little carriage that was to take -us into London, as if they were intended to defy the shocks of -ages, and received my modestly proffered donation with perfect -tranquillity. - -We bade adieu to Mrs. Steerforth and Miss Dartle, with many thanks -on my part, and much kindness on the devoted mother's. The last -thing I saw was Littimer's unruffled eye; fraught, as I fancied, -with the silent conviction that I was very young indeed. - -What I felt, in returning so auspiciously to the old familiar -places, I shall not endeavour to describe. We went down by the -Mail. I was so concerned, I recollect, even for the honour of -Yarmouth, that when Steerforth said, as we drove through its dark -streets to the inn, that, as well as he could make out, it was a -good, queer, out-of-the-way kind of hole, I was highly pleased. We -went to bed on our arrival (I observed a pair of dirty shoes and -gaiters in connexion with my old friend the Dolphin as we passed -that door), and breakfasted late in the morning. Steerforth, who -was in great spirits, had been strolling about the beach before I -was up, and had made acquaintance, he said, with half the boatmen -in the place. Moreover, he had seen, in the distance, what he was -sure must be the identical house of Mr. Peggotty, with smoke coming -out of the chimney; and had had a great mind, he told me, to walk -in and swear he was myself grown out of knowledge. - -'When do you propose to introduce me there, Daisy?' he said. 'I am -at your disposal. Make your own arrangements.' - -'Why, I was thinking that this evening would be a good time, -Steerforth, when they are all sitting round the fire. I should -like you to see it when it's snug, it's such a curious place.' - -'So be it!' returned Steerforth. 'This evening.' - -'I shall not give them any notice that we are here, you know,' said -I, delighted. 'We must take them by surprise.' - -'Oh, of course! It's no fun,' said Steerforth, 'unless we take -them by surprise. Let us see the natives in their aboriginal -condition.' - -'Though they ARE that sort of people that you mentioned,' I -returned. - -'Aha! What! you recollect my skirmishes with Rosa, do you?' he -exclaimed with a quick look. 'Confound the girl, I am half afraid -of her. She's like a goblin to me. But never mind her. Now what -are you going to do? You are going to see your nurse, I suppose?' - -'Why, yes,' I said, 'I must see Peggotty first of all.' - -'Well,' replied Steerforth, looking at his watch. 'Suppose I -deliver you up to be cried over for a couple of hours. Is that -long enough?' - -I answered, laughing, that I thought we might get through it in -that time, but that he must come also; for he would find that his -renown had preceded him, and that he was almost as great a -personage as I was. - -'I'll come anywhere you like,' said Steerforth, 'or do anything you -like. Tell me where to come to; and in two hours I'll produce -myself in any state you please, sentimental or comical.' - -I gave him minute directions for finding the residence of Mr. -Barkis, carrier to Blunderstone and elsewhere; and, on this -understanding, went out alone. There was a sharp bracing air; the -ground was dry; the sea was crisp and clear; the sun was diffusing -abundance of light, if not much warmth; and everything was fresh -and lively. I was so fresh and lively myself, in the pleasure of -being there, that I could have stopped the people in the streets -and shaken hands with them. - -The streets looked small, of course. The streets that we have only -seen as children always do, I believe, when we go back to them. -But I had forgotten nothing in them, and found nothing changed, -until I came to Mr. Omer's shop. OMER AND Joram was now written -up, where OMER used to be; but the inscription, DRAPER, TAILOR, -HABERDASHER, FUNERAL FURNISHER, &c., remained as it was. - -My footsteps seemed to tend so naturally to the shop door, after I -had read these words from over the way, that I went across the road -and looked in. There was a pretty woman at the back of the shop, -dancing a little child in her arms, while another little fellow -clung to her apron. I had no difficulty in recognizing either -Minnie or Minnie's children. The glass door of the parlour was not -open; but in the workshop across the yard I could faintly hear the -old tune playing, as if it had never left off. - -'Is Mr. Omer at home?' said I, entering. 'I should like to see -him, for a moment, if he is.' - -'Oh yes, sir, he is at home,' said Minnie; 'the weather don't suit -his asthma out of doors. Joe, call your grandfather!' - -The little fellow, who was holding her apron, gave such a lusty -shout, that the sound of it made him bashful, and he buried his -face in her skirts, to her great admiration. I heard a heavy -puffing and blowing coming towards us, and soon Mr. Omer, -shorter-winded than of yore, but not much older-looking, stood -before me. - -'Servant, sir,' said Mr. Omer. 'What can I do for you, sir?' -'You can shake hands with me, Mr. Omer, if you please,' said I, -putting out my own. 'You were very good-natured to me once, when -I am afraid I didn't show that I thought so.' - -'Was I though?' returned the old man. 'I'm glad to hear it, but I -don't remember when. Are you sure it was me?' - -'Quite.' - -'I think my memory has got as short as my breath,' said Mr. Omer, -looking at me and shaking his head; 'for I don't remember you.' - -'Don't you remember your coming to the coach to meet me, and my -having breakfast here, and our riding out to Blunderstone together: -you, and I, and Mrs. Joram, and Mr. Joram too - who wasn't her -husband then?' - -'Why, Lord bless my soul!' exclaimed Mr. Omer, after being thrown -by his surprise into a fit of coughing, 'you don't say so! Minnie, -my dear, you recollect? Dear me, yes; the party was a lady, I -think?' - -'My mother,' I rejoined. - -'To - be - sure,' said Mr. Omer, touching my waistcoat with his -forefinger, 'and there was a little child too! There was two -parties. The little party was laid along with the other party. -Over at Blunderstone it was, of course. Dear me! And how have you -been since?' - -Very well, I thanked him, as I hoped he had been too. - -'Oh! nothing to grumble at, you know,' said Mr. Omer. 'I find my -breath gets short, but it seldom gets longer as a man gets older. -I take it as it comes, and make the most of it. That's the best -way, ain't it?' - -Mr. Omer coughed again, in consequence of laughing, and was -assisted out of his fit by his daughter, who now stood close beside -us, dancing her smallest child on the counter. - -'Dear me!' said Mr. Omer. 'Yes, to be sure. Two parties! Why, in -that very ride, if you'll believe me, the day was named for my -Minnie to marry Joram. "Do name it, sir," says Joram. "Yes, do, -father," says Minnie. And now he's come into the business. And -look here! The youngest!' - -Minnie laughed, and stroked her banded hair upon her temples, as -her father put one of his fat fingers into the hand of the child -she was dancing on the counter. - -'Two parties, of course!' said Mr. Omer, nodding his head -retrospectively. 'Ex-actly so! And Joram's at work, at this -minute, on a grey one with silver nails, not this measurement' - -the measurement of the dancing child upon the counter - 'by a good -two inches. - Will you take something?' - -I thanked him, but declined. - -'Let me see,' said Mr. Omer. 'Barkis's the carrier's wife - -Peggotty's the boatman's sister - she had something to do with your -family? She was in service there, sure?' - -My answering in the affirmative gave him great satisfaction. - -'I believe my breath will get long next, my memory's getting so -much so,' said Mr. Omer. 'Well, sir, we've got a young relation of -hers here, under articles to us, that has as elegant a taste in the -dress-making business - I assure you I don't believe there's a -Duchess in England can touch her.' - -'Not little Em'ly?' said I, involuntarily. - -'Em'ly's her name,' said Mr. Omer, 'and she's little too. But if -you'll believe me, she has such a face of her own that half the -women in this town are mad against her.' - -'Nonsense, father!' cried Minnie. - -'My dear,' said Mr. Omer, 'I don't say it's the case with you,' -winking at me, 'but I say that half the women in Yarmouth - ah! and -in five mile round - are mad against that girl.' - -'Then she should have kept to her own station in life, father,' -said Minnie, 'and not have given them any hold to talk about her, -and then they couldn't have done it.' - -'Couldn't have done it, my dear!' retorted Mr. Omer. 'Couldn't -have done it! Is that YOUR knowledge of life? What is there that -any woman couldn't do, that she shouldn't do - especially on the -subject of another woman's good looks?' - -I really thought it was all over with Mr. Omer, after he had -uttered this libellous pleasantry. He coughed to that extent, and -his breath eluded all his attempts to recover it with that -obstinacy, that I fully expected to see his head go down behind the -counter, and his little black breeches, with the rusty little -bunches of ribbons at the knees, come quivering up in a last -ineffectual struggle. At length, however, he got better, though he -still panted hard, and was so exhausted that he was obliged to sit -on the stool of the shop-desk. - -'You see,' he said, wiping his head, and breathing with difficulty, -'she hasn't taken much to any companions here; she hasn't taken -kindly to any particular acquaintances and friends, not to mention -sweethearts. In consequence, an ill-natured story got about, that -Em'ly wanted to be a lady. Now my opinion is, that it came into -circulation principally on account of her sometimes saying, at the -school, that if she was a lady she would like to do so-and-so for -her uncle - don't you see? - and buy him such-and-such fine -things.' - -'I assure you, Mr. Omer, she has said so to me,' I returned -eagerly, 'when we were both children.' - -Mr. Omer nodded his head and rubbed his chin. 'Just so. Then out -of a very little, she could dress herself, you see, better than -most others could out of a deal, and that made things unpleasant. -Moreover, she was rather what might be called wayward - I'll go so -far as to say what I should call wayward myself,' said Mr. Omer; '- -didn't know her own mind quite - a little spoiled - and couldn't, -at first, exactly bind herself down. No more than that was ever -said against her, Minnie?' - -'No, father,' said Mrs. Joram. 'That's the worst, I believe.' - -'So when she got a situation,' said Mr. Omer, 'to keep a fractious -old lady company, they didn't very well agree, and she didn't stop. -At last she came here, apprenticed for three years. Nearly two of -'em are over, and she has been as good a girl as ever was. Worth -any six! Minnie, is she worth any six, now?' - -'Yes, father,' replied Minnie. 'Never say I detracted from her!' - -'Very good,' said Mr. Omer. 'That's right. And so, young -gentleman,' he added, after a few moments' further rubbing of his -chin, 'that you may not consider me long-winded as well as -short-breathed, I believe that's all about it.' - -As they had spoken in a subdued tone, while speaking of Em'ly, I -had no doubt that she was near. On my asking now, if that were not -so, Mr. Omer nodded yes, and nodded towards the door of the -parlour. My hurried inquiry if I might peep in, was answered with -a free permission; and, looking through the glass, I saw her -sitting at her work. I saw her, a most beautiful little creature, -with the cloudless blue eyes, that had looked into my childish -heart, turned laughingly upon another child of Minnie's who was -playing near her; with enough of wilfulness in her bright face to -justify what I had heard; with much of the old capricious coyness -lurking in it; but with nothing in her pretty looks, I am sure, but -what was meant for goodness and for happiness, and what was on a -good and happy course. - -The tune across the yard that seemed as if it never had left off - -alas! it was the tune that never DOES leave off - was beating, -softly, all the while. - -'Wouldn't you like to step in,' said Mr. Omer, 'and speak to her? -Walk in and speak to her, sir! Make yourself at home!' - -I was too bashful to do so then - I was afraid of confusing her, -and I was no less afraid of confusing myself.- but I informed -myself of the hour at which she left of an evening, in order that -our visit might be timed accordingly; and taking leave of Mr. Omer, -and his pretty daughter, and her little children, went away to my -dear old Peggotty's. - -Here she was, in the tiled kitchen, cooking dinner! The moment I -knocked at the door she opened it, and asked me what I pleased to -want. I looked at her with a smile, but she gave me no smile in -return. I had never ceased to write to her, but it must have been -seven years since we had met. - -'Is Mr. Barkis at home, ma'am?' I said, feigning to speak roughly -to her. - -'He's at home, sir,' returned Peggotty, 'but he's bad abed with the -rheumatics.' - -'Don't he go over to Blunderstone now?' I asked. - -'When he's well he do,' she answered. - -'Do YOU ever go there, Mrs. Barkis?' - -She looked at me more attentively, and I noticed a quick movement -of her hands towards each other. - -'Because I want to ask a question about a house there, that they -call the - what is it? - the Rookery,' said I. - -She took a step backward, and put out her hands in an undecided -frightened way, as if to keep me off. - -'Peggotty!' I cried to her. - -She cried, 'My darling boy!' and we both burst into tears, and were -locked in one another's arms. - -What extravagances she committed; what laughing and crying over me; -what pride she showed, what joy, what sorrow that she whose pride -and joy I might have been, could never hold me in a fond embrace; -I have not the heart to tell. I was troubled with no misgiving -that it was young in me to respond to her emotions. I had never -laughed and cried in all my life, I dare say - not even to her - -more freely than I did that morning. - -'Barkis will be so glad,' said Peggotty, wiping her eyes with her -apron, 'that it'll do him more good than pints of liniment. May I -go and tell him you are here? Will you come up and see him, my -dear?' - -Of course I would. But Peggotty could not get out of the room as -easily as she meant to, for as often as she got to the door and -looked round at me, she came back again to have another laugh and -another cry upon my shoulder. At last, to make the matter easier, -I went upstairs with her; and having waited outside for a minute, -while she said a word of preparation to Mr. Barkis, presented -myself before that invalid. - -He received me with absolute enthusiasm. He was too rheumatic to -be shaken hands with, but he begged me to shake the tassel on the -top of his nightcap, which I did most cordially. When I sat down -by the side of the bed, he said that it did him a world of good to -feel as if he was driving me on the Blunderstone road again. As he -lay in bed, face upward, and so covered, with that exception, that -he seemed to be nothing but a face - like a conventional cherubim -- he looked the queerest object I ever beheld. - -'What name was it, as I wrote up in the cart, sir?' said Mr. -Barkis, with a slow rheumatic smile. - -'Ah! Mr. Barkis, we had some grave talks about that matter, hadn't -we?' - -'I was willin' a long time, sir?' said Mr. Barkis. - -'A long time,' said I. - -'And I don't regret it,' said Mr. Barkis. 'Do you remember what -you told me once, about her making all the apple parsties and doing -all the cooking?' - -'Yes, very well,' I returned. - -'It was as true,' said Mr. Barkis, 'as turnips is. It was as -true,' said Mr. Barkis, nodding his nightcap, which was his only -means of emphasis, 'as taxes is. And nothing's truer than them.' - -Mr. Barkis turned his eyes upon me, as if for my assent to this -result of his reflections in bed; and I gave it. - -'Nothing's truer than them,' repeated Mr. Barkis; 'a man as poor as -I am, finds that out in his mind when he's laid up. I'm a very -poor man, sir!' - -'I am sorry to hear it, Mr. Barkis.' - -'A very poor man, indeed I am,' said Mr. Barkis. - -Here his right hand came slowly and feebly from under the -bedclothes, and with a purposeless uncertain grasp took hold of a -stick which was loosely tied to the side of the bed. After some -poking about with this instrument, in the course of which his face -assumed a variety of distracted expressions, Mr. Barkis poked it -against a box, an end of which had been visible to me all the time. -Then his face became composed. - -'Old clothes,' said Mr. Barkis. - -'Oh!' said I. - -'I wish it was Money, sir,' said Mr. Barkis. - -'I wish it was, indeed,' said I. - -'But it AIN'T,' said Mr. Barkis, opening both his eyes as wide as -he possibly could. - -I expressed myself quite sure of that, and Mr. Barkis, turning his -eyes more gently to his wife, said: - -'She's the usefullest and best of women, C. P. Barkis. All the -praise that anyone can give to C. P. Barkis, she deserves, and -more! My dear, you'll get a dinner today, for company; something -good to eat and drink, will you?' - -I should have protested against this unnecessary demonstration in -my honour, but that I saw Peggotty, on the opposite side of the -bed, extremely anxious I should not. So I held my peace. - -'I have got a trifle of money somewhere about me, my dear,' said -Mr. Barkis, 'but I'm a little tired. If you and Mr. David will -leave me for a short nap, I'll try and find it when I wake.' - -We left the room, in compliance with this request. When we got -outside the door, Peggotty informed me that Mr. Barkis, being now -'a little nearer' than he used to be, always resorted to this same -device before producing a single coin from his store; and that he -endured unheard-of agonies in crawling out of bed alone, and taking -it from that unlucky box. In effect, we presently heard him -uttering suppressed groans of the most dismal nature, as this -magpie proceeding racked him in every joint; but while Peggotty's -eyes were full of compassion for him, she said his generous impulse -would do him good, and it was better not to check it. So he -groaned on, until he had got into bed again, suffering, I have no -doubt, a martyrdom; and then called us in, pretending to have just -woke up from a refreshing sleep, and to produce a guinea from under -his pillow. His satisfaction in which happy imposition on us, and -in having preserved the impenetrable secret of the box, appeared to -be a sufficient compensation to him for all his tortures. - -I prepared Peggotty for Steerforth's arrival and it was not long -before he came. I am persuaded she knew no difference between his -having been a personal benefactor of hers, and a kind friend to me, -and that she would have received him with the utmost gratitude and -devotion in any case. But his easy, spirited good humour; his -genial manner, his handsome looks, his natural gift of adapting -himself to whomsoever he pleased, and making direct, when he cared -to do it, to the main point of interest in anybody's heart; bound -her to him wholly in five minutes. His manner to me, alone, would -have won her. But, through all these causes combined, I sincerely -believe she had a kind of adoration for him before he left the -house that night. - -He stayed there with me to dinner - if I were to say willingly, I -should not half express how readily and gaily. He went into Mr. -Barkis's room like light and air, brightening and refreshing it as -if he were healthy weather. There was no noise, no effort, no -consciousness, in anything he did; but in everything an -indescribable lightness, a seeming impossibility of doing anything -else, or doing anything better, which was so graceful, so natural, -and agreeable, that it overcomes me, even now, in the remembrance. - -We made merry in the little parlour, where the Book of Martyrs, -unthumbed since my time, was laid out upon the desk as of old, and -where I now turned over its terrific pictures, remembering the old -sensations they had awakened, but not feeling them. When Peggotty -spoke of what she called my room, and of its being ready for me at -night, and of her hoping I would occupy it, before I could so much -as look at Steerforth, hesitating, he was possessed of the whole -case. - -'Of course,' he said. 'You'll sleep here, while we stay, and I -shall sleep at the hotel.' - -'But to bring you so far,' I returned, 'and to separate, seems bad -companionship, Steerforth.' - -'Why, in the name of Heaven, where do you naturally belong?' he -said. 'What is "seems", compared to that?' It was settled at -once. - -He maintained all his delightful qualities to the last, until we -started forth, at eight o'clock, for Mr. Peggotty's boat. Indeed, -they were more and more brightly exhibited as the hours went on; -for I thought even then, and I have no doubt now, that the -consciousness of success in his determination to please, inspired -him with a new delicacy of perception, and made it, subtle as it -was, more easy to him. If anyone had told me, then, that all this -was a brilliant game, played for the excitement of the moment, for -the employment of high spirits, in the thoughtless love of -superiority, in a mere wasteful careless course of winning what was -worthless to him, and next minute thrown away - I say, if anyone -had told me such a lie that night, I wonder in what manner of -receiving it my indignation would have found a vent! Probably only -in an increase, had that been possible, of the romantic feelings of -fidelity and friendship with which I walked beside him, over the -dark wintry sands towards the old boat; the wind sighing around us -even more mournfully, than it had sighed and moaned upon the night -when I first darkened Mr. Peggotty's door. - -'This is a wild kind of place, Steerforth, is it not?' - -'Dismal enough in the dark,' he said: 'and the sea roars as if it -were hungry for us. Is that the boat, where I see a light yonder?' -'That's the boat,' said I. - -'And it's the same I saw this morning,' he returned. 'I came -straight to it, by instinct, I suppose.' - -We said no more as we approached the light, but made softly for the -door. I laid my hand upon the latch; and whispering Steerforth to -keep close to me, went in. - -A murmur of voices had been audible on the outside, and, at the -moment of our entrance, a clapping of hands: which latter noise, I -was surprised to see, proceeded from the generally disconsolate -Mrs. Gummidge. But Mrs. Gummidge was not the only person there who -was unusually excited. Mr. Peggotty, his face lighted up with -uncommon satisfaction, and laughing with all his might, held his -rough arms wide open, as if for little Em'ly to run into them; Ham, -with a mixed expression in his face of admiration, exultation, and -a lumbering sort of bashfulness that sat upon him very well, held -little Em'ly by the hand, as if he were presenting her to Mr. -Peggotty; little Em'ly herself, blushing and shy, but delighted -with Mr. Peggotty's delight, as her joyous eyes expressed, was -stopped by our entrance (for she saw us first) in the very act of -springing from Ham to nestle in Mr. Peggotty's embrace. In the -first glimpse we had of them all, and at the moment of our passing -from the dark cold night into the warm light room, this was the way -in which they were all employed: Mrs. Gummidge in the background, -clapping her hands like a madwoman. - -The little picture was so instantaneously dissolved by our going -in, that one might have doubted whether it had ever been. I was in -the midst of the astonished family, face to face with Mr. Peggotty, -and holding out my hand to him, when Ham shouted: - -'Mas'r Davy! It's Mas'r Davy!' - -In a moment we were all shaking hands with one another, and asking -one another how we did, and telling one another how glad we were to -meet, and all talking at once. Mr. Peggotty was so proud and -overjoyed to see us, that he did not know what to say or do, but -kept over and over again shaking hands with me, and then with -Steerforth, and then with me, and then ruffling his shaggy hair all -over his head, and laughing with such glee and triumph, that it was -a treat to see him. - -'Why, that you two gent'lmen - gent'lmen growed - should come to -this here roof tonight, of all nights in my life,' said Mr. -Peggotty, 'is such a thing as never happened afore, I do rightly -believe! Em'ly, my darling, come here! Come here, my little -witch! There's Mas'r Davy's friend, my dear! There's the -gent'lman as you've heerd on, Em'ly. He comes to see you, along -with Mas'r Davy, on the brightest night of your uncle's life as -ever was or will be, Gorm the t'other one, and horroar for it!' - -After delivering this speech all in a breath, and with -extraordinary animation and pleasure, Mr. Peggotty put one of his -large hands rapturously on each side of his niece's face, and -kissing it a dozen times, laid it with a gentle pride and love upon -his broad chest, and patted it as if his hand had been a lady's. -Then he let her go; and as she ran into the little chamber where I -used to sleep, looked round upon us, quite hot and out of breath -with his uncommon satisfaction. - -'If you two gent'lmen - gent'lmen growed now, and such gent'lmen -' -said Mr. Peggotty. - -'So th' are, so th' are!' cried Ham. 'Well said! So th' are. -Mas'r Davy bor' - gent'lmen growed - so th' are!' - -'If you two gent'lmen, gent'lmen growed,' said Mr. Peggotty, 'don't -ex-cuse me for being in a state of mind, when you understand -matters, I'll arks your pardon. Em'ly, my dear! - She knows I'm a -going to tell,' here his delight broke out again, 'and has made -off. Would you be so good as look arter her, Mawther, for a -minute?' - -Mrs. Gummidge nodded and disappeared. - -'If this ain't,' said Mr. Peggotty, sitting down among us by the -fire, 'the brightest night o' my life, I'm a shellfish - biled too -- and more I can't say. This here little Em'ly, sir,' in a low -voice to Steerforth, '- her as you see a blushing here just now -' - -Steerforth only nodded; but with such a pleased expression of -interest, and of participation in Mr. Peggotty's feelings, that the -latter answered him as if he had spoken. - -'To be sure,' said Mr. Peggotty. 'That's her, and so she is. -Thankee, sir.' - -Ham nodded to me several times, as if he would have said so too. - -'This here little Em'ly of ours,' said Mr. Peggotty, 'has been, in -our house, what I suppose (I'm a ignorant man, but that's my -belief) no one but a little bright-eyed creetur can be in a house. -She ain't my child; I never had one; but I couldn't love her more. -You understand! I couldn't do it!' - -'I quite understand,' said Steerforth. - -'I know you do, sir,' returned Mr. Peggotty, 'and thankee again. -Mas'r Davy, he can remember what she was; you may judge for your -own self what she is; but neither of you can't fully know what she -has been, is, and will be, to my loving art. I am rough, sir,' -said Mr. Peggotty, 'I am as rough as a Sea Porkypine; but no one, -unless, mayhap, it is a woman, can know, I think, what our little -Em'ly is to me. And betwixt ourselves,' sinking his voice lower -yet, 'that woman's name ain't Missis Gummidge neither, though she -has a world of merits.' -Mr. Peggotty ruffled his hair again, with both hands, as a further -preparation for what he was going to say, and went on, with a hand -upon each of his knees: - -'There was a certain person as had know'd our Em'ly, from the time -when her father was drownded; as had seen her constant; when a -babby, when a young gal, when a woman. Not much of a person to -look at, he warn't,' said Mr. Peggotty, 'something o' my own build -- rough - a good deal o' the sou'-wester in him - wery salt - but, -on the whole, a honest sort of a chap, with his art in the right -place.' - -I thought I had never seen Ham grin to anything like the extent to -which he sat grinning at us now. - -'What does this here blessed tarpaulin go and do,' said Mr. -Peggotty, with his face one high noon of enjoyment, 'but he loses -that there art of his to our little Em'ly. He follers her about, -he makes hisself a sort o' servant to her, he loses in a great -measure his relish for his wittles, and in the long-run he makes it -clear to me wot's amiss. Now I could wish myself, you see, that -our little Em'ly was in a fair way of being married. I could wish -to see her, at all ewents, under articles to a honest man as had a -right to defend her. I don't know how long I may live, or how soon -I may die; but I know that if I was capsized, any night, in a gale -of wind in Yarmouth Roads here, and was to see the town-lights -shining for the last time over the rollers as I couldn't make no -head against, I could go down quieter for thinking "There's a man -ashore there, iron-true to my little Em'ly, God bless her, and no -wrong can touch my Em'ly while so be as that man lives."' - -Mr. Peggotty, in simple earnestness, waved his right arm, as if he -were waving it at the town-lights for the last time, and then, -exchanging a nod with Ham, whose eye he caught, proceeded as -before. - -'Well! I counsels him to speak to Em'ly. He's big enough, but he's -bashfuller than a little un, and he don't like. So I speak. -"What! Him!" says Em'ly. "Him that I've know'd so intimate so -many years, and like so much. Oh, Uncle! I never can have him. -He's such a good fellow!" I gives her a kiss, and I says no more to -her than, "My dear, you're right to speak out, you're to choose for -yourself, you're as free as a little bird." Then I aways to him, -and I says, "I wish it could have been so, but it can't. But you -can both be as you was, and wot I say to you is, Be as you was with -her, like a man." He says to me, a-shaking of my hand, "I will!" he -says. And he was - honourable and manful - for two year going on, -and we was just the same at home here as afore.' - -Mr. Peggotty's face, which had varied in its expression with the -various stages of his narrative, now resumed all its former -triumphant delight, as he laid a hand upon my knee and a hand upon -Steerforth's (previously wetting them both, for the greater -emphasis of the action), and divided the following speech between -us: - -'All of a sudden, one evening - as it might be tonight - comes -little Em'ly from her work, and him with her! There ain't so much -in that, you'll say. No, because he takes care on her, like a -brother, arter dark, and indeed afore dark, and at all times. But -this tarpaulin chap, he takes hold of her hand, and he cries out to -me, joyful, "Look here! This is to be my little wife!" And she -says, half bold and half shy, and half a laughing and half a -crying, "Yes, Uncle! If you please." - If I please!' cried Mr. -Peggotty, rolling his head in an ecstasy at the idea; 'Lord, as if -I should do anythink else! - "If you please, I am steadier now, and -I have thought better of it, and I'll be as good a little wife as -I can to him, for he's a dear, good fellow!" Then Missis Gummidge, -she claps her hands like a play, and you come in. Theer! the -murder's out!' said Mr. Peggotty - 'You come in! It took place -this here present hour; and here's the man that'll marry her, the -minute she's out of her time.' - -Ham staggered, as well he might, under the blow Mr. Peggotty dealt -him in his unbounded joy, as a mark of confidence and friendship; -but feeling called upon to say something to us, he said, with much -faltering and great difficulty: - -'She warn't no higher than you was, Mas'r Davy - when you first -come - when I thought what she'd grow up to be. I see her grown up -- gent'lmen - like a flower. I'd lay down my life for her - Mas'r -Davy - Oh! most content and cheerful! She's more to me - gent'lmen -- than - she's all to me that ever I can want, and more than ever -I - than ever I could say. I - I love her true. There ain't a -gent'lman in all the land - nor yet sailing upon all the sea - that -can love his lady more than I love her, though there's many a -common man - would say better - what he meant.' - -I thought it affecting to see such a sturdy fellow as Ham was now, -trembling in the strength of what he felt for the pretty little -creature who had won his heart. I thought the simple confidence -reposed in us by Mr. Peggotty and by himself, was, in itself, -affecting. I was affected by the story altogether. How far my -emotions were influenced by the recollections of my childhood, I -don't know. Whether I had come there with any lingering fancy that -I was still to love little Em'ly, I don't know. I know that I was -filled with pleasure by all this; but, at first, with an -indescribably sensitive pleasure, that a very little would have -changed to pain. - -Therefore, if it had depended upon me to touch the prevailing chord -among them with any skill, I should have made a poor hand of it. -But it depended upon Steerforth; and he did it with such address, -that in a few minutes we were all as easy and as happy as it was -possible to be. - -'Mr. Peggotty,' he said, 'you are a thoroughly good fellow, and -deserve to be as happy as you are tonight. My hand upon it! Ham, -I give you joy, my boy. My hand upon that, too! Daisy, stir the -fire, and make it a brisk one! and Mr. Peggotty, unless you can -induce your gentle niece to come back (for whom I vacate this seat -in the corner), I shall go. Any gap at your fireside on such a -night - such a gap least of all - I wouldn't make, for the wealth -of the Indies!' - -So Mr. Peggotty went into my old room to fetch little Em'ly. At -first little Em'ly didn't like to come, and then Ham went. -Presently they brought her to the fireside, very much confused, and -very shy, - but she soon became more assured when she found how -gently and respectfully Steerforth spoke to her; how skilfully he -avoided anything that would embarrass her; how he talked to Mr. -Peggotty of boats, and ships, and tides, and fish; how he referred -to me about the time when he had seen Mr. Peggotty at Salem House; -how delighted he was with the boat and all belonging to it; how -lightly and easily he carried on, until he brought us, by degrees, -into a charmed circle, and we were all talking away without any -reserve. - -Em'ly, indeed, said little all the evening; but she looked, and -listened, and her face got animated, and she was charming. -Steerforth told a story of a dismal shipwreck (which arose out of -his talk with Mr. Peggotty), as if he saw it all before him - and -little Em'ly's eyes were fastened on him all the time, as if she -saw it too. He told us a merry adventure of his own, as a relief -to that, with as much gaiety as if the narrative were as fresh to -him as it was to us - and little Em'ly laughed until the boat rang -with the musical sounds, and we all laughed (Steerforth too), in -irresistible sympathy with what was so pleasant and light-hearted. -He got Mr. Peggotty to sing, or rather to roar, 'When the stormy -winds do blow, do blow, do blow'; and he sang a sailor's song -himself, so pathetically and beautifully, that I could have almost -fancied that the real wind creeping sorrowfully round the house, -and murmuring low through our unbroken silence, was there to -listen. - -As to Mrs. Gummidge, he roused that victim of despondency with a -success never attained by anyone else (so Mr. Peggotty informed -me), since the decease of the old one. He left her so little -leisure for being miserable, that she said next day she thought she -must have been bewitched. - -But he set up no monopoly of the general attention, or the -conversation. When little Em'ly grew more courageous, and talked -(but still bashfully) across the fire to me, of our old wanderings -upon the beach, to pick up shells and pebbles; and when I asked her -if she recollected how I used to be devoted to her; and when we -both laughed and reddened, casting these looks back on the pleasant -old times, so unreal to look at now; he was silent and attentive, -and observed us thoughtfully. She sat, at this time, and all the -evening, on the old locker in her old little corner by the fire - -Ham beside her, where I used to sit. I could not satisfy myself -whether it was in her own little tormenting way, or in a maidenly -reserve before us, that she kept quite close to the wall, and away -from him; but I observed that she did so, all the evening. - -As I remember, it was almost midnight when we took our leave. We -had had some biscuit and dried fish for supper, and Steerforth had -produced from his pocket a full flask of Hollands, which we men (I -may say we men, now, without a blush) had emptied. We parted -merrily; and as they all stood crowded round the door to light us -as far as they could upon our road, I saw the sweet blue eyes of -little Em'ly peeping after us, from behind Ham, and heard her soft -voice calling to us to be careful how we went. - -'A most engaging little Beauty!' said Steerforth, taking my arm. -'Well! It's a quaint place, and they are quaint company, and it's -quite a new sensation to mix with them.' - -'How fortunate we are, too,' I returned, 'to have arrived to -witness their happiness in that intended marriage! I never saw -people so happy. How delightful to see it, and to be made the -sharers in their honest joy, as we have been!' - -'That's rather a chuckle-headed fellow for the girl; isn't he?' -said Steerforth. - -He had been so hearty with him, and with them all, that I felt a -shock in this unexpected and cold reply. But turning quickly upon -him, and seeing a laugh in his eyes, I answered, much relieved: - -'Ah, Steerforth! It's well for you to joke about the poor! You -may skirmish with Miss Dartle, or try to hide your sympathies in -jest from me, but I know better. When I see how perfectly you -understand them, how exquisitely you can enter into happiness like -this plain fisherman's, or humour a love like my old nurse's, I -know that there is not a joy or sorrow, not an emotion, of such -people, that can be indifferent to you. And I admire and love you -for it, Steerforth, twenty times the more!' - -He stopped, and, looking in my face, said, 'Daisy, I believe you -are in earnest, and are good. I wish we all were!' Next moment he -was gaily singing Mr. Peggotty's song, as we walked at a round pace -back to Yarmouth. - - - -CHAPTER 22 -SOME OLD SCENES, AND SOME NEW PEOPLE - - -Steerforth and I stayed for more than a fortnight in that part of -the country. We were very much together, I need not say; but -occasionally we were asunder for some hours at a time. He was a -good sailor, and I was but an indifferent one; and when he went out -boating with Mr. Peggotty, which was a favourite amusement of his, -I generally remained ashore. My occupation of Peggotty's -spare-room put a constraint upon me, from which he was free: for, -knowing how assiduously she attended on Mr. Barkis all day, I did -not like to remain out late at night; whereas Steerforth, lying at -the Inn, had nothing to consult but his own humour. Thus it came -about, that I heard of his making little treats for the fishermen -at Mr. Peggotty's house of call, 'The Willing Mind', after I was in -bed, and of his being afloat, wrapped in fishermen's clothes, whole -moonlight nights, and coming back when the morning tide was at -flood. By this time, however, I knew that his restless nature and -bold spirits delighted to find a vent in rough toil and hard -weather, as in any other means of excitement that presented itself -freshly to him; so none of his proceedings surprised me. - -Another cause of our being sometimes apart, was, that I had -naturally an interest in going over to Blunderstone, and revisiting -the old familiar scenes of my childhood; while Steerforth, after -being there once, had naturally no great interest in going there -again. Hence, on three or four days that I can at once recall, we -went our several ways after an early breakfast, and met again at a -late dinner. I had no idea how he employed his time in the -interval, beyond a general knowledge that he was very popular in -the place, and had twenty means of actively diverting himself where -another man might not have found one. - -For my own part, my occupation in my solitary pilgrimages was to -recall every yard of the old road as I went along it, and to haunt -the old spots, of which I never tired. I haunted them, as my -memory had often done, and lingered among them as my younger -thoughts had lingered when I was far away. The grave beneath the -tree, where both my parents lay - on which I had looked out, when -it was my father's only, with such curious feelings of compassion, -and by which I had stood, so desolate, when it was opened to -receive my pretty mother and her baby - the grave which Peggotty's -own faithful care had ever since kept neat, and made a garden of, -I walked near, by the hour. It lay a little off the churchyard -path, in a quiet corner, not so far removed but I could read the -names upon the stone as I walked to and fro, startled by the sound -of the church-bell when it struck the hour, for it was like a -departed voice to me. My reflections at these times were always -associated with the figure I was to make in life, and the -distinguished things I was to do. My echoing footsteps went to no -other tune, but were as constant to that as if I had come home to -build my castles in the air at a living mother's side. - -There were great changes in my old home. The ragged nests, so long -deserted by the rooks, were gone; and the trees were lopped and -topped out of their remembered shapes. The garden had run wild, -and half the windows of the house were shut up. It was occupied, -but only by a poor lunatic gentleman, and the people who took care -of him. He was always sitting at my little window, looking out -into the churchyard; and I wondered whether his rambling thoughts -ever went upon any of the fancies that used to occupy mine, on the -rosy mornings when I peeped out of that same little window in my -night-clothes, and saw the sheep quietly feeding in the light of -the rising sun. - -Our old neighbours, Mr. and Mrs. Grayper, were gone to South -America, and the rain had made its way through the roof of their -empty house, and stained the outer walls. Mr. Chillip was married -again to a tall, raw-boned, high-nosed wife; and they had a weazen -little baby, with a heavy head that it couldn't hold up, and two -weak staring eyes, with which it seemed to be always wondering why -it had ever been born. - -It was with a singular jumble of sadness and pleasure that I used -to linger about my native place, until the reddening winter sun -admonished me that it was time to start on my returning walk. But, -when the place was left behind, and especially when Steerforth and -I were happily seated over our dinner by a blazing fire, it was -delicious to think of having been there. So it was, though in a -softened degree, when I went to my neat room at night; and, turning -over the leaves of the crocodile-book (which was always there, upon -a little table), remembered with a grateful heart how blest I was -in having such a friend as Steerforth, such a friend as Peggotty, -and such a substitute for what I had lost as my excellent and -generous aunt. - -MY nearest way to Yarmouth, in coming back from these long walks, -was by a ferry. It landed me on the flat between the town and the -sea, which I could make straight across, and so save myself a -considerable circuit by the high road. Mr. Peggotty's house being -on that waste-place, and not a hundred yards out of my track, I -always looked in as I went by. Steerforth was pretty sure to be -there expecting me, and we went on together through the frosty air -and gathering fog towards the twinkling lights of the town. - -One dark evening, when I was later than usual - for I had, that -day, been making my parting visit to Blunderstone, as we were now -about to return home - I found him alone in Mr. Peggotty's house, -sitting thoughtfully before the fire. He was so intent upon his -own reflections that he was quite unconscious of my approach. -This, indeed, he might easily have been if he had been less -absorbed, for footsteps fell noiselessly on the sandy ground -outside; but even my entrance failed to rouse him. I was standing -close to him, looking at him; and still, with a heavy brow, he was -lost in his meditations. - -He gave such a start when I put my hand upon his shoulder, that he -made me start too. - -'You come upon me,' he said, almost angrily, 'like a reproachful -ghost!' - -'I was obliged to announce myself, somehow,' I replied. 'Have I -called you down from the stars?' - -'No,' he answered. 'No.' - -'Up from anywhere, then?' said I, taking my seat near him. - -'I was looking at the pictures in the fire,' he returned. - -'But you are spoiling them for me,' said I, as he stirred it -quickly with a piece of burning wood, striking out of it a train of -red-hot sparks that went careering up the little chimney, and -roaring out into the air. - -'You would not have seen them,' he returned. 'I detest this -mongrel time, neither day nor night. How late you are! Where have -you been?' - -'I have been taking leave of my usual walk,' said I. - -'And I have been sitting here,' said Steerforth, glancing round the -room, 'thinking that all the people we found so glad on the night -of our coming down, might - to judge from the present wasted air of -the place - be dispersed, or dead, or come to I don't know what -harm. David, I wish to God I had had a judicious father these last -twenty years!' - -'My dear Steerforth, what is the matter?' - -'I wish with all my soul I had been better guided!' he exclaimed. -'I wish with all my soul I could guide myself better!' - -There was a passionate dejection in his manner that quite amazed -me. He was more unlike himself than I could have supposed -possible. - -'It would be better to be this poor Peggotty, or his lout of a -nephew,' he said, getting up and leaning moodily against the -chimney-piece, with his face towards the fire, 'than to be myself, -twenty times richer and twenty times wiser, and be the torment to -myself that I have been, in this Devil's bark of a boat, within the -last half-hour!' - -I was so confounded by the alteration in him, that at first I could -only observe him in silence, as he stood leaning his head upon his -hand, and looking gloomily down at the fire. At length I begged -him, with all the earnestness I felt, to tell me what had occurred -to cross him so unusually, and to let me sympathize with him, if I -could not hope to advise him. Before I had well concluded, he -began to laugh - fretfully at first, but soon with returning -gaiety. - -'Tut, it's nothing, Daisy! nothing!' he replied. 'I told you at -the inn in London, I am heavy company for myself, sometimes. I -have been a nightmare to myself, just now - must have had one, I -think. At odd dull times, nursery tales come up into the memory, -unrecognized for what they are. I believe I have been confounding -myself with the bad boy who "didn't care", and became food for -lions - a grander kind of going to the dogs, I suppose. What old -women call the horrors, have been creeping over me from head to -foot. I have been afraid of myself.' - -'You are afraid of nothing else, I think,' said I. - -'Perhaps not, and yet may have enough to be afraid of too,' he -answered. 'Well! So it goes by! I am not about to be hipped -again, David; but I tell you, my good fellow, once more, that it -would have been well for me (and for more than me) if I had had a -steadfast and judicious father!' - -His face was always full of expression, but I never saw it express -such a dark kind of earnestness as when he said these words, with -his glance bent on the fire. - -'So much for that!' he said, making as if he tossed something light -into the air, with his hand. "'Why, being gone, I am a man again," -like Macbeth. And now for dinner! If I have not (Macbeth-like) -broken up the feast with most admired disorder, Daisy.' - -'But where are they all, I wonder!' said I. - -'God knows,' said Steerforth. 'After strolling to the ferry -looking for you, I strolled in here and found the place deserted. -That set me thinking, and you found me thinking.' - -The advent of Mrs. Gummidge with a basket, explained how the house -had happened to be empty. She had hurried out to buy something -that was needed, against Mr. Peggotty's return with the tide; and -had left the door open in the meanwhile, lest Ham and little Em'ly, -with whom it was an early night, should come home while she was -gone. Steerforth, after very much improving Mrs. Gummidge's -spirits by a cheerful salutation and a jocose embrace, took my arm, -and hurried me away. - -He had improved his own spirits, no less than Mrs. Gummidge's, for -they were again at their usual flow, and he was full of vivacious -conversation as we went along. - -'And so,' he said, gaily, 'we abandon this buccaneer life tomorrow, -do we?' - -'So we agreed,' I returned. 'And our places by the coach are -taken, you know.' - -'Ay! there's no help for it, I suppose,' said Steerforth. 'I have -almost forgotten that there is anything to do in the world but to -go out tossing on the sea here. I wish there was not.' - -'As long as the novelty should last,' said I, laughing. - -'Like enough,' he returned; 'though there's a sarcastic meaning in -that observation for an amiable piece of innocence like my young -friend. Well! I dare say I am a capricious fellow, David. I know -I am; but while the iron is hot, I can strike it vigorously too. -I could pass a reasonably good examination already, as a pilot in -these waters, I think.' - -'Mr. Peggotty says you are a wonder,' I returned. - -'A nautical phenomenon, eh?' laughed Steerforth. - -'Indeed he does, and you know how truly; I know how ardent you are -in any pursuit you follow, and how easily you can master it. And -that amazes me most in you, Steerforth- that you should be -contented with such fitful uses of your powers.' - -'Contented?' he answered, merrily. 'I am never contented, except -with your freshness, my gentle Daisy. As to fitfulness, I have -never learnt the art of binding myself to any of the wheels on -which the Ixions of these days are turning round and round. I -missed it somehow in a bad apprenticeship, and now don't care about -it. - You know I have bought a boat down here?' - -'What an extraordinary fellow you are, Steerforth!' I exclaimed, -stopping - for this was the first I had heard of it. 'When you may -never care to come near the place again!' - -'I don't know that,' he returned. 'I have taken a fancy to the -place. At all events,' walking me briskly on, 'I have bought a -boat that was for sale - a clipper, Mr. Peggotty says; and so she -is - and Mr. Peggotty will be master of her in my absence.' - -'Now I understand you, Steerforth!' said I, exultingly. 'You -pretend to have bought it for yourself, but you have really done so -to confer a benefit on him. I might have known as much at first, -knowing you. My dear kind Steerforth, how can I tell you what I -think of your generosity?' - -'Tush!' he answered, turning red. 'The less said, the better.' - -'Didn't I know?' cried I, 'didn't I say that there was not a joy, -or sorrow, or any emotion of such honest hearts that was -indifferent to you?' - -'Aye, aye,' he answered, 'you told me all that. There let it rest. -We have said enough!' - -Afraid of offending him by pursuing the subject when he made so -light of it, I only pursued it in my thoughts as we went on at even -a quicker pace than before. - -'She must be newly rigged,' said Steerforth, 'and I shall leave -Littimer behind to see it done, that I may know she is quite -complete. Did I tell you Littimer had come down?' - -'No.' - -'Oh yes! came down this morning, with a letter from my mother.' - -As our looks met, I observed that he was pale even to his lips, -though he looked very steadily at me. I feared that some -difference between him and his mother might have led to his being -in the frame of mind in which I had found him at the solitary -fireside. I hinted so. - -'Oh no!' he said, shaking his head, and giving a slight laugh. -'Nothing of the sort! Yes. He is come down, that man of mine.' - -'The same as ever?' said I. - -'The same as ever,' said Steerforth. 'Distant and quiet as the -North Pole. He shall see to the boat being fresh named. She's the -"Stormy Petrel" now. What does Mr. Peggotty care for Stormy -Petrels! I'll have her christened again.' - -'By what name?' I asked. - -'The "Little Em'ly".' - -As he had continued to look steadily at me, I took it as a reminder -that he objected to being extolled for his consideration. I could -not help showing in my face how much it pleased me, but I said -little, and he resumed his usual smile, and seemed relieved. - -'But see here,' he said, looking before us, 'where the original -little Em'ly comes! And that fellow with her, eh? Upon my soul, -he's a true knight. He never leaves her!' - -Ham was a boat-builder in these days, having improved a natural -ingenuity in that handicraft, until he had become a skilled -workman. He was in his working-dress, and looked rugged enough, -but manly withal, and a very fit protector for the blooming little -creature at his side. Indeed, there was a frankness in his face, -an honesty, and an undisguised show of his pride in her, and his -love for her, which were, to me, the best of good looks. I -thought, as they came towards us, that they were well matched even -in that particular. - -She withdrew her hand timidly from his arm as we stopped to speak -to them, and blushed as she gave it to Steerforth and to me. When -they passed on, after we had exchanged a few words, she did not -like to replace that hand, but, still appearing timid and -constrained, walked by herself. I thought all this very pretty and -engaging, and Steerforth seemed to think so too, as we looked after -them fading away in the light of a young moon. - -Suddenly there passed us - evidently following them - a young woman -whose approach we had not observed, but whose face I saw as she -went by, and thought I had a faint remembrance of. She was lightly -dressed; looked bold, and haggard, and flaunting, and poor; but -seemed, for the time, to have given all that to the wind which was -blowing, and to have nothing in her mind but going after them. As -the dark distant level, absorbing their figures into itself, left -but itself visible between us and the sea and clouds, her figure -disappeared in like manner, still no nearer to them than before. - -'That is a black shadow to be following the girl,' said Steerforth, -standing still; 'what does it mean?' - -He spoke in a low voice that sounded almost strange to Me. - -'She must have it in her mind to beg of them, I think,' said I. - -'A beggar would be no novelty,' said Steerforth; 'but it is a -strange thing that the beggar should take that shape tonight.' - -'Why?' I asked. - -'For no better reason, truly, than because I was thinking,' he -said, after a pause, 'of something like it, when it came by. Where -the Devil did it come from, I wonder!' - -'From the shadow of this wall, I think,' said I, as we emerged upon -a road on which a wall abutted. - -'It's gone!' he returned, looking over his shoulder. 'And all ill -go with it. Now for our dinner!' - -But he looked again over his shoulder towards the sea-line -glimmering afar off, and yet again. And he wondered about it, in -some broken expressions, several times, in the short remainder of -our walk; and only seemed to forget it when the light of fire and -candle shone upon us, seated warm and merry, at table. - -Littimer was there, and had his usual effect upon me. When I said -to him that I hoped Mrs. Steerforth and Miss Dartle were well, he -answered respectfully (and of course respectably), that they were -tolerably well, he thanked me, and had sent their compliments. -This was all, and yet he seemed to me to say as plainly as a man -could say: 'You are very young, sir; you are exceedingly young.' - -We had almost finished dinner, when taking a step or two towards -the table, from the corner where he kept watch upon us, or rather -upon me, as I felt, he said to his master: - -'I beg your pardon, sir. Miss Mowcher is down here.' - -'Who?' cried Steerforth, much astonished. - -'Miss Mowcher, sir.' - -'Why, what on earth does she do here?' said Steerforth. - -'It appears to be her native part of the country, sir. She informs -me that she makes one of her professional visits here, every year, -sir. I met her in the street this afternoon, and she wished to -know if she might have the honour of waiting on you after dinner, -sir.' - -'Do you know the Giantess in question, Daisy?' inquired Steerforth. - -I was obliged to confess - I felt ashamed, even of being at this -disadvantage before Littimer - that Miss Mowcher and I were wholly -unacquainted. - -'Then you shall know her,' said Steerforth, 'for she is one of the -seven wonders of the world. When Miss Mowcher comes, show her in.' - -I felt some curiosity and excitement about this lady, especially as -Steerforth burst into a fit of laughing when I referred to her, and -positively refused to answer any question of which I made her the -subject. I remained, therefore, in a state of considerable -expectation until the cloth had been removed some half an hour, and -we were sitting over our decanter of wine before the fire, when the -door opened, and Littimer, with his habitual serenity quite -undisturbed, announced: - -'Miss Mowcher!' - -I looked at the doorway and saw nothing. I was still looking at -the doorway, thinking that Miss Mowcher was a long while making her -appearance, when, to my infinite astonishment, there came waddling -round a sofa which stood between me and it, a pursy dwarf, of about -forty or forty-five, with a very large head and face, a pair of -roguish grey eyes, and such extremely little arms, that, to enable -herself to lay a finger archly against her snub nose, as she ogled -Steerforth, she was obliged to meet the finger half-way, and lay -her nose against it. Her chin, which was what is called a double -chin, was so fat that it entirely swallowed up the strings of her -bonnet, bow and all. Throat she had none; waist she had none; legs -she had none, worth mentioning; for though she was more than -full-sized down to where her waist would have been, if she had had -any, and though she terminated, as human beings generally do, in a -pair of feet, she was so short that she stood at a common-sized -chair as at a table, resting a bag she carried on the seat. This -lady - dressed in an off-hand, easy style; bringing her nose and -her forefinger together, with the difficulty I have described; -standing with her head necessarily on one side, and, with one of -her sharp eyes shut up, making an uncommonly knowing face - after -ogling Steerforth for a few moments, broke into a torrent of words. - -'What! My flower!' she pleasantly began, shaking her large head at -him. 'You're there, are you! Oh, you naughty boy, fie for shame, -what do you do so far away from home? Up to mischief, I'll be -bound. Oh, you're a downy fellow, Steerforth, so you are, and I'm -another, ain't I? Ha, ha, ha! You'd have betted a hundred pound -to five, now, that you wouldn't have seen me here, wouldn't you? -Bless you, man alive, I'm everywhere. I'm here and there, and -where not, like the conjurer's half-crown in the lady's -handkercher. Talking of handkerchers - and talking of ladies - -what a comfort you are to your blessed mother, ain't you, my dear -boy, over one of my shoulders, and I don't say which!' - -Miss Mowcher untied her bonnet, at this passage of her discourse, -threw back the strings, and sat down, panting, on a footstool in -front of the fire - making a kind of arbour of the dining table, -which spread its mahogany shelter above her head. - -'Oh my stars and what's-their-names!' she went on, clapping a hand -on each of her little knees, and glancing shrewdly at me, 'I'm of -too full a habit, that's the fact, Steerforth. After a flight of -stairs, it gives me as much trouble to draw every breath I want, as -if it was a bucket of water. If you saw me looking out of an upper -window, you'd think I was a fine woman, wouldn't you?' - -'I should think that, wherever I saw you,' replied Steerforth. - -'Go along, you dog, do!' cried the little creature, making a whisk -at him with the handkerchief with which she was wiping her face, -'and don't be impudent! But I give you my word and honour I was at -Lady Mithers's last week - THERE'S a woman! How SHE wears! - and -Mithers himself came into the room where I was waiting for her - -THERE'S a man! How HE wears! and his wig too, for he's had it -these ten years - and he went on at that rate in the complimentary -line, that I began to think I should be obliged to ring the bell. -Ha! ha! ha! He's a pleasant wretch, but he wants principle.' - -'What were you doing for Lady Mithers?' asked Steerforth. - -'That's tellings, my blessed infant,' she retorted, tapping her -nose again, screwing up her face, and twinkling her eyes like an -imp of supernatural intelligence. 'Never YOU mind! You'd like to -know whether I stop her hair from falling off, or dye it, or touch -up her complexion, or improve her eyebrows, wouldn't you? And so -you shall, my darling - when I tell you! Do you know what my great -grandfather's name was?' - -'No,' said Steerforth. - -'It was Walker, my sweet pet,' replied Miss Mowcher, 'and he came -of a long line of Walkers, that I inherit all the Hookey estates -from.' - -I never beheld anything approaching to Miss Mowcher's wink except -Miss Mowcher's self-possession. She had a wonderful way too, when -listening to what was said to her, or when waiting for an answer to -what she had said herself, of pausing with her head cunningly on -one side, and one eye turned up like a magpie's. Altogether I was -lost in amazement, and sat staring at her, quite oblivious, I am -afraid, of the laws of politeness. - -She had by this time drawn the chair to her side, and was busily -engaged in producing from the bag (plunging in her short arm to the -shoulder, at every dive) a number of small bottles, sponges, combs, -brushes, bits of flannel, little pairs of curling-irons, and other -instruments, which she tumbled in a heap upon the chair. From this -employment she suddenly desisted, and said to Steerforth, much to -my confusion: - -'Who's your friend?' - -'Mr. Copperfield,' said Steerforth; 'he wants to know you.' - -'Well, then, he shall! I thought he looked as if he did!' returned -Miss Mowcher, waddling up to me, bag in hand, and laughing on me as -she came. 'Face like a peach!' standing on tiptoe to pinch my -cheek as I sat. 'Quite tempting! I'm very fond of peaches. Happy -to make your acquaintance, Mr. Copperfield, I'm sure.' - -I said that I congratulated myself on having the honour to make -hers, and that the happiness was mutual. - -'Oh, my goodness, how polite we are!' exclaimed Miss Mowcher, -making a preposterous attempt to cover her large face with her -morsel of a hand. 'What a world of gammon and spinnage it is, -though, ain't it!' - -This was addressed confidentially to both of us, as the morsel of -a hand came away from the face, and buried itself, arm and all, in -the bag again. - -'What do you mean, Miss Mowcher?' said Steerforth. - -'Ha! ha! ha! What a refreshing set of humbugs we are, to be sure, -ain't we, my sweet child?' replied that morsel of a woman, feeling -in the bag with her head on one side and her eye in the air. 'Look -here!' taking something out. 'Scraps of the Russian Prince's -nails. Prince Alphabet turned topsy-turvy, I call him, for his -name's got all the letters in it, higgledy-piggledy.' - -'The Russian Prince is a client of yours, is he?' said Steerforth. - -'I believe you, my pet,' replied Miss Mowcher. 'I keep his nails -in order for him. Twice a week! Fingers and toes.' - -'He pays well, I hope?' said Steerforth. - -'Pays, as he speaks, my dear child - through the nose,' replied -Miss Mowcher. 'None of your close shavers the Prince ain't. You'd -say so, if you saw his moustachios. Red by nature, black by art.' - -'By your art, of course,' said Steerforth. - -Miss Mowcher winked assent. 'Forced to send for me. Couldn't help -it. The climate affected his dye; it did very well in Russia, but -it was no go here. You never saw such a rusty Prince in all your -born days as he was. Like old iron!' -'Is that why you called him a humbug, just now?' inquired -Steerforth. - -'Oh, you're a broth of a boy, ain't you?' returned Miss Mowcher, -shaking her head violently. 'I said, what a set of humbugs we were -in general, and I showed you the scraps of the Prince's nails to -prove it. The Prince's nails do more for me in private families of -the genteel sort, than all my talents put together. I always carry -'em about. They're the best introduction. If Miss Mowcher cuts -the Prince's nails, she must be all right. I give 'em away to the -young ladies. They put 'em in albums, I believe. Ha! ha! ha! -Upon my life, "the whole social system" (as the men call it when -they make speeches in Parliament) is a system of Prince's nails!' -said this least of women, trying to fold her short arms, and -nodding her large head. - -Steerforth laughed heartily, and I laughed too. Miss Mowcher -continuing all the time to shake her head (which was very much on -one side), and to look into the air with one eye, and to wink with -the other. - -'Well, well!' she said, smiting her small knees, and rising, 'this -is not business. Come, Steerforth, let's explore the polar -regions, and have it over.' - -She then selected two or three of the little instruments, and a -little bottle, and asked (to my surprise) if the table would bear. -On Steerforth's replying in the affirmative, she pushed a chair -against it, and begging the assistance of my hand, mounted up, -pretty nimbly, to the top, as if it were a stage. - -'If either of you saw my ankles,' she said, when she was safely -elevated, 'say so, and I'll go home and destroy myself!' - -'I did not,' said Steerforth. - -'I did not,' said I. - -'Well then,' cried Miss Mowcher,' I'll consent to live. Now, -ducky, ducky, ducky, come to Mrs. Bond and be killed.' - -This was an invocation to Steerforth to place himself under her -hands; who, accordingly, sat himself down, with his back to the -table, and his laughing face towards me, and submitted his head to -her inspection, evidently for no other purpose than our -entertainment. To see Miss Mowcher standing over him, looking at -his rich profusion of brown hair through a large round magnifying -glass, which she took out of her pocket, was a most amazing -spectacle. - -'You're a pretty fellow!' said Miss Mowcher, after a brief -inspection. 'You'd be as bald as a friar on the top of your head -in twelve months, but for me. Just half a minute, my young friend, -and we'll give you a polishing that shall keep your curls on for -the next ten years!' - -With this, she tilted some of the contents of the little bottle on -to one of the little bits of flannel, and, again imparting some of -the virtues of that preparation to one of the little brushes, began -rubbing and scraping away with both on the crown of Steerforth's -head in the busiest manner I ever witnessed, talking all the time. - -'There's Charley Pyegrave, the duke's son,' she said. 'You know -Charley?' peeping round into his face. - -'A little,' said Steerforth. - -'What a man HE is! THERE'S a whisker! As to Charley's legs, if -they were only a pair (which they ain't), they'd defy competition. -Would you believe he tried to do without me - in the Life-Guards, -too?' - -'Mad!' said Steerforth. - -'It looks like it. However, mad or sane, he tried,' returned Miss -Mowcher. 'What does he do, but, lo and behold you, he goes into a -perfumer's shop, and wants to buy a bottle of the Madagascar -Liquid.' - -'Charley does?' said Steerforth. - -'Charley does. But they haven't got any of the Madagascar Liquid.' - -'What is it? Something to drink?' asked Steerforth. - -'To drink?' returned Miss Mowcher, stopping to slap his cheek. 'To -doctor his own moustachios with, you know. There was a woman in -the shop - elderly female - quite a Griffin - who had never even -heard of it by name. "Begging pardon, sir," said the Griffin to -Charley, "it's not - not - not ROUGE, is it?" "Rouge," said -Charley to the Griffin. "What the unmentionable to ears polite, do -you think I want with rouge?" "No offence, sir," said the Griffin; -"we have it asked for by so many names, I thought it might be." Now -that, my child,' continued Miss Mowcher, rubbing all the time as -busily as ever, 'is another instance of the refreshing humbug I was -speaking of. I do something in that way myself - perhaps a good -deal - perhaps a little - sharp's the word, my dear boy - never -mind!' - -'In what way do you mean? In the rouge way?' said Steerforth. - -'Put this and that together, my tender pupil,' returned the wary -Mowcher, touching her nose, 'work it by the rule of Secrets in all -trades, and the product will give you the desired result. I say I -do a little in that way myself. One Dowager, SHE calls it -lip-salve. Another, SHE calls it gloves. Another, SHE calls it -tucker-edging. Another, SHE calls it a fan. I call it whatever -THEY call it. I supply it for 'em, but we keep up the trick so, to -one another, and make believe with such a face, that they'd as soon -think of laying it on, before a whole drawing-room, as before me. -And when I wait upon 'em, they'll say to me sometimes - WITH IT ON -- thick, and no mistake - "How am I looking, Mowcher? Am I pale?" -Ha! ha! ha! ha! Isn't THAT refreshing, my young friend!' - -I never did in my days behold anything like Mowcher as she stood -upon the dining table, intensely enjoying this refreshment, rubbing -busily at Steerforth's head, and winking at me over it. - -'Ah!' she said. 'Such things are not much in demand hereabouts. -That sets me off again! I haven't seen a pretty woman since I've -been here, jemmy.' - -'No?' said Steerforth. - -'Not the ghost of one,' replied Miss Mowcher. - -'We could show her the substance of one, I think?' said Steerforth, -addressing his eyes to mine. 'Eh, Daisy?' - -'Yes, indeed,' said I. - -'Aha?' cried the little creature, glancing sharply at my face, and -then peeping round at Steerforth's. 'Umph?' - -The first exclamation sounded like a question put to both of us, -and the second like a question put to Steerforth only. She seemed -to have found no answer to either, but continued to rub, with her -head on one side and her eye turned up, as if she were looking for -an answer in the air and were confident of its appearing presently. - -'A sister of yours, Mr. Copperfield?' she cried, after a pause, and -still keeping the same look-out. 'Aye, aye?' - -'No,' said Steerforth, before I could reply. 'Nothing of the sort. -On the contrary, Mr. Copperfield used - or I am much mistaken - to -have a great admiration for her.' - -'Why, hasn't he now?' returned Miss Mowcher. 'Is he fickle? Oh, -for shame! Did he sip every flower, and change every hour, until -Polly his passion requited? - Is her name Polly?' - -The Elfin suddenness with which she pounced upon me with this -question, and a searching look, quite disconcerted me for a moment. - -'No, Miss Mowcher,' I replied. 'Her name is Emily.' - -'Aha?' she cried exactly as before. 'Umph? What a rattle I am! -Mr. Copperfield, ain't I volatile?' - -Her tone and look implied something that was not agreeable to me in -connexion with the subject. So I said, in a graver manner than any -of us had yet assumed: -'She is as virtuous as she is pretty. She is engaged to be married -to a most worthy and deserving man in her own station of life. I -esteem her for her good sense, as much as I admire her for her good -looks.' - -'Well said!' cried Steerforth. 'Hear, hear, hear! Now I'll quench -the curiosity of this little Fatima, my dear Daisy, by leaving her -nothing to guess at. She is at present apprenticed, Miss Mowcher, -or articled, or whatever it may be, to Omer and Joram, -Haberdashers, Milliners, and so forth, in this town. Do you -observe? Omer and Joram. The promise of which my friend has -spoken, is made and entered into with her cousin; Christian name, -Ham; surname, Peggotty; occupation, boat-builder; also of this -town. She lives with a relative; Christian name, unknown; surname, -Peggotty; occupation, seafaring; also of this town. She is the -prettiest and most engaging little fairy in the world. I admire -her - as my friend does - exceedingly. If it were not that I might -appear to disparage her Intended, which I know my friend would not -like, I would add, that to me she seems to be throwing herself -away; that I am sure she might do better; and that I swear she was -born to be a lady.' - -Miss Mowcher listened to these words, which were very slowly and -distinctly spoken, with her head on one side, and her eye in the -air as if she were still looking for that answer. When he ceased -she became brisk again in an instant, and rattled away with -surprising volubility. - -'Oh! And that's all about it, is it?' she exclaimed, trimming his -whiskers with a little restless pair of scissors, that went -glancing round his head in all directions. 'Very well: very well! -Quite a long story. Ought to end "and they lived happy ever -afterwards"; oughtn't it? Ah! What's that game at forfeits? I -love my love with an E, because she's enticing; I hate her with an -E, because she's engaged. I took her to the sign of the exquisite, -and treated her with an elopement, her name's Emily, and she lives -in the east? Ha! ha! ha! Mr. Copperfield, ain't I volatile?' - -Merely looking at me with extravagant slyness, and not waiting for -any reply, she continued, without drawing breath: - -'There! If ever any scapegrace was trimmed and touched up to -perfection, you are, Steerforth. If I understand any noddle in the -world, I understand yours. Do you hear me when I tell you that, my -darling? I understand yours,' peeping down into his face. 'Now -you may mizzle, jemmy (as we say at Court), and if Mr. Copperfield -will take the chair I'll operate on him.' - -'What do you say, Daisy?' inquired Steerforth, laughing, and -resigning his seat. 'Will you be improved?' - -'Thank you, Miss Mowcher, not this evening.' - -'Don't say no,' returned the little woman, looking at me with the -aspect of a connoisseur; 'a little bit more eyebrow?' - -'Thank you,' I returned, 'some other time.' - -'Have it carried half a quarter of an inch towards the temple,' -said Miss Mowcher. 'We can do it in a fortnight.' - -'No, I thank you. Not at present.' - -'Go in for a tip,' she urged. 'No? Let's get the scaffolding up, -then, for a pair of whiskers. Come!' - -I could not help blushing as I declined, for I felt we were on my -weak point, now. But Miss Mowcher, finding that I was not at -present disposed for any decoration within the range of her art, -and that I was, for the time being, proof against the blandishments -of the small bottle which she held up before one eye to enforce her -persuasions, said we would make a beginning on an early day, and -requested the aid of my hand to descend from her elevated station. -Thus assisted, she skipped down with much agility, and began to tie -her double chin into her bonnet. - -'The fee,' said Steerforth, 'is -' - -'Five bob,' replied Miss Mowcher, 'and dirt cheap, my chicken. -Ain't I volatile, Mr. Copperfield?' - -I replied politely: 'Not at all.' But I thought she was rather so, -when she tossed up his two half-crowns like a goblin pieman, caught -them, dropped them in her pocket, and gave it a loud slap. - -'That's the Till!' observed Miss Mowcher, standing at the chair -again, and replacing in the bag a miscellaneous collection of -little objects she had emptied out of it. 'Have I got all my -traps? It seems so. It won't do to be like long Ned Beadwood, -when they took him to church "to marry him to somebody", as he -says, and left the bride behind. Ha! ha! ha! A wicked rascal, -Ned, but droll! Now, I know I'm going to break your hearts, but I -am forced to leave you. You must call up all your fortitude, and -try to bear it. Good-bye, Mr. Copperfield! Take care of yourself, -jockey of Norfolk! How I have been rattling on! It's all the -fault of you two wretches. I forgive you! "Bob swore!" - as the -Englishman said for "Good night", when he first learnt French, and -thought it so like English. "Bob swore," my ducks!' - -With the bag slung over her arm, and rattling as she waddled away, -she waddled to the door, where she stopped to inquire if she should -leave us a lock of her hair. 'Ain't I volatile?' she added, as a -commentary on this offer, and, with her finger on her nose, -departed. - -Steerforth laughed to that degree, that it was impossible for me to -help laughing too; though I am not sure I should have done so, but -for this inducement. When we had had our laugh quite out, which -was after some time, he told me that Miss Mowcher had quite an -extensive connexion, and made herself useful to a variety of people -in a variety of ways. Some people trifled with her as a mere -oddity, he said; but she was as shrewdly and sharply observant as -anyone he knew, and as long-headed as she was short-armed. He told -me that what she had said of being here, and there, and everywhere, -was true enough; for she made little darts into the provinces, and -seemed to pick up customers everywhere, and to know everybody. I -asked him what her disposition was: whether it was at all -mischievous, and if her sympathies were generally on the right side -of things: but, not succeeding in attracting his attention to these -questions after two or three attempts, I forbore or forgot to -repeat them. He told me instead, with much rapidity, a good deal -about her skill, and her profits; and about her being a scientific -cupper, if I should ever have occasion for her service in that -capacity. - -She was the principal theme of our conversation during the evening: -and when we parted for the night Steerforth called after me over -the banisters, 'Bob swore!' as I went downstairs. - -I was surprised, when I came to Mr. Barkis's house, to find Ham -walking up and down in front of it, and still more surprised to -learn from him that little Em'ly was inside. I naturally inquired -why he was not there too, instead of pacing the streets by himself? - -'Why, you see, Mas'r Davy,' he rejoined, in a hesitating manner, -'Em'ly, she's talking to some 'un in here.' - -'I should have thought,' said I, smiling, 'that that was a reason -for your being in here too, Ham.' - -'Well, Mas'r Davy, in a general way, so 't would be,' he returned; -'but look'ee here, Mas'r Davy,' lowering his voice, and speaking -very gravely. 'It's a young woman, sir - a young woman, that Em'ly -knowed once, and doen't ought to know no more.' - -When I heard these words, a light began to fall upon the figure I -had seen following them, some hours ago. - -'It's a poor wurem, Mas'r Davy,' said Ham, 'as is trod under foot -by all the town. Up street and down street. The mowld o' the -churchyard don't hold any that the folk shrink away from, more.' - -'Did I see her tonight, Ham, on the sand, after we met you?' - -'Keeping us in sight?' said Ham. 'It's like you did, Mas'r Davy. -Not that I know'd then, she was theer, sir, but along of her -creeping soon arterwards under Em'ly's little winder, when she see -the light come, and whispering "Em'ly, Em'ly, for Christ's sake, -have a woman's heart towards me. I was once like you!" Those was -solemn words, Mas'r Davy, fur to hear!' - -'They were indeed, Ham. What did Em'ly do?' -'Says Em'ly, "Martha, is it you? Oh, Martha, can it be you?" - for -they had sat at work together, many a day, at Mr. Omer's.' - -'I recollect her now!' cried I, recalling one of the two girls I -had seen when I first went there. 'I recollect her quite well!' - -'Martha Endell,' said Ham. 'Two or three year older than Em'ly, -but was at the school with her.' - -'I never heard her name,' said I. 'I didn't mean to interrupt -you.' - -'For the matter o' that, Mas'r Davy,' replied Ham, 'all's told -a'most in them words, "Em'ly, Em'ly, for Christ's sake, have a -woman's heart towards me. I was once like you!" She wanted to -speak to Em'ly. Em'ly couldn't speak to her theer, for her loving -uncle was come home, and he wouldn't - no, Mas'r Davy,' said Ham, -with great earnestness, 'he couldn't, kind-natur'd, tender-hearted -as he is, see them two together, side by side, for all the -treasures that's wrecked in the sea.' - -I felt how true this was. I knew it, on the instant, quite as well -as Ham. - -'So Em'ly writes in pencil on a bit of paper,' he pursued, 'and -gives it to her out o' winder to bring here. "Show that," she -says, "to my aunt, Mrs. Barkis, and she'll set you down by her -fire, for the love of me, till uncle is gone out, and I can come." -By and by she tells me what I tell you, Mas'r Davy, and asks me to -bring her. What can I do? She doen't ought to know any such, but -I can't deny her, when the tears is on her face.' - -He put his hand into the breast of his shaggy jacket, and took out -with great care a pretty little purse. - -'And if I could deny her when the tears was on her face, Mas'r -Davy,' said Ham, tenderly adjusting it on the rough palm of his -hand, 'how could I deny her when she give me this to carry for her -- knowing what she brought it for? Such a toy as it is!' said Ham, -thoughtfully looking on it. 'With such a little money in it, Em'ly -my dear.' - -I shook him warmly by the hand when he had put it away again - for -that was more satisfactory to me than saying anything - and we -walked up and down, for a minute or two, in silence. The door -opened then, and Peggotty appeared, beckoning to Ham to come in. -I would have kept away, but she came after me, entreating me to -come in too. Even then, I would have avoided the room where they -all were, but for its being the neat-tiled kitchen I have mentioned -more than once. The door opening immediately into it, I found -myself among them before I considered whither I was going. - -The girl - the same I had seen upon the sands - was near the fire. -She was sitting on the ground, with her head and one arm lying on -a chair. I fancied, from the disposition of her figure, that Em'ly -had but newly risen from the chair, and that the forlorn head might -perhaps have been lying on her lap. I saw but little of the girl's -face, over which her hair fell loose and scattered, as if she had -been disordering it with her own hands; but I saw that she was -young, and of a fair complexion. Peggotty had been crying. So had -little Em'ly. Not a word was spoken when we first went in; and the -Dutch clock by the dresser seemed, in the silence, to tick twice as -loud as usual. Em'ly spoke first. - -'Martha wants,' she said to Ham, 'to go to London.' - -'Why to London?' returned Ham. - -He stood between them, looking on the prostrate girl with a mixture -of compassion for her, and of jealousy of her holding any -companionship with her whom he loved so well, which I have always -remembered distinctly. They both spoke as if she were ill; in a -soft, suppressed tone that was plainly heard, although it hardly -rose above a whisper. - -'Better there than here,' said a third voice aloud - Martha's, -though she did not move. 'No one knows me there. Everybody knows -me here.' - -'What will she do there?' inquired Ham. - -She lifted up her head, and looked darkly round at him for a -moment; then laid it down again, and curved her right arm about her -neck, as a woman in a fever, or in an agony of pain from a shot, -might twist herself. - -'She will try to do well,' said little Em'ly. 'You don't know what -she has said to us. Does he - do they - aunt?' - -Peggotty shook her head compassionately. - -'I'll try,' said Martha, 'if you'll help me away. I never can do -worse than I have done here. I may do better. Oh!' with a -dreadful shiver, 'take me out of these streets, where the whole -town knows me from a child!' - -As Em'ly held out her hand to Ham, I saw him put in it a little -canvas bag. She took it, as if she thought it were her purse, and -made a step or two forward; but finding her mistake, came back to -where he had retired near me, and showed it to him. - -'It's all yourn, Em'ly,' I could hear him say. 'I haven't nowt in -all the wureld that ain't yourn, my dear. It ain't of no delight -to me, except for you!' - -The tears rose freshly in her eyes, but she turned away and went to -Martha. What she gave her, I don't know. I saw her stooping over -her, and putting money in her bosom. She whispered something, as -she asked was that enough? 'More than enough,' the other said, and -took her hand and kissed it. - -Then Martha arose, and gathering her shawl about her, covering her -face with it, and weeping aloud, went slowly to the door. She -stopped a moment before going out, as if she would have uttered -something or turned back; but no word passed her lips. Making the -same low, dreary, wretched moaning in her shawl, she went away. - -As the door closed, little Em'ly looked at us three in a hurried -manner and then hid her face in her hands, and fell to sobbing. - -'Doen't, Em'ly!' said Ham, tapping her gently on the shoulder. -'Doen't, my dear! You doen't ought to cry so, pretty!' - -'Oh, Ham!' she exclaimed, still weeping pitifully, 'I am not so -good a girl as I ought to be! I know I have not the thankful -heart, sometimes, I ought to have!' - -'Yes, yes, you have, I'm sure,' said Ham. - -'No! no! no!' cried little Em'ly, sobbing, and shaking her head. -'I am not as good a girl as I ought to be. Not near! not near!' -And still she cried, as if her heart would break. - -'I try your love too much. I know I do!' she sobbed. 'I'm often -cross to you, and changeable with you, when I ought to be far -different. You are never so to me. Why am I ever so to you, when -I should think of nothing but how to be grateful, and to make you -happy!' - -'You always make me so,' said Ham, 'my dear! I am happy in the -sight of you. I am happy, all day long, in the thoughts of you.' - -'Ah! that's not enough!' she cried. 'That is because you are good; -not because I am! Oh, my dear, it might have been a better fortune -for you, if you had been fond of someone else - of someone steadier -and much worthier than me, who was all bound up in you, and never -vain and changeable like me!' - -'Poor little tender-heart,' said Ham, in a low voice. 'Martha has -overset her, altogether.' - -'Please, aunt,' sobbed Em'ly, 'come here, and let me lay my head -upon you. Oh, I am very miserable tonight, aunt! Oh, I am not as -good a girl as I ought to be. I am not, I know!' - -Peggotty had hastened to the chair before the fire. Em'ly, with -her arms around her neck, kneeled by her, looking up most earnestly -into her face. - -'Oh, pray, aunt, try to help me! Ham, dear, try to help me! Mr. -David, for the sake of old times, do, please, try to help me! I -want to be a better girl than I am. I want to feel a hundred times -more thankful than I do. I want to feel more, what a blessed thing -it is to be the wife of a good man, and to lead a peaceful life. -Oh me, oh me! Oh my heart, my heart!' - -She dropped her face on my old nurse's breast, and, ceasing this -supplication, which in its agony and grief was half a woman's, half -a child's, as all her manner was (being, in that, more natural, and -better suited to her beauty, as I thought, than any other manner -could have been), wept silently, while my old nurse hushed her like -an infant. - -She got calmer by degrees, and then we soothed her; now talking -encouragingly, and now jesting a little with her, until she began -to raise her head and speak to us. So we got on, until she was -able to smile, and then to laugh, and then to sit up, half ashamed; -while Peggotty recalled her stray ringlets, dried her eyes, and -made her neat again, lest her uncle should wonder, when she got -home, why his darling had been crying. - -I saw her do, that night, what I had never seen her do before. I -saw her innocently kiss her chosen husband on the cheek, and creep -close to his bluff form as if it were her best support. When they -went away together, in the waning moonlight, and I looked after -them, comparing their departure in my mind with Martha's, I saw -that she held his arm with both her hands, and still kept close to -him. - - - -CHAPTER 23 -I CORROBORATE Mr. DICK, AND CHOOSE A PROFESSION - - -When I awoke in the morning I thought very much of little Em'ly, -and her emotion last night, after Martha had left. I felt as if I -had come into the knowledge of those domestic weaknesses and -tendernesses in a sacred confidence, and that to disclose them, -even to Steerforth, would be wrong. I had no gentler feeling -towards anyone than towards the pretty creature who had been my -playmate, and whom I have always been persuaded, and shall always -be persuaded, to my dying day, I then devotedly loved. The -repetition to any ears - even to Steerforth's - of what she had -been unable to repress when her heart lay open to me by an -accident, I felt would be a rough deed, unworthy of myself, -unworthy of the light of our pure childhood, which I always saw -encircling her head. I made a resolution, therefore, to keep it in -my own breast; and there it gave her image a new grace. - -While we were at breakfast, a letter was delivered to me from my -aunt. As it contained matter on which I thought Steerforth could -advise me as well as anyone, and on which I knew I should be -delighted to consult him, I resolved to make it a subject of -discussion on our journey home. For the present we had enough to -do, in taking leave of all our friends. Mr. Barkis was far from -being the last among them, in his regret at our departure; and I -believe would even have opened the box again, and sacrificed -another guinea, if it would have kept us eight-and-forty hours in -Yarmouth. Peggotty and all her family were full of grief at our -going. The whole house of Omer and Joram turned out to bid us -good-bye; and there were so many seafaring volunteers in attendance -on Steerforth, when our portmanteaux went to the coach, that if we -had had the baggage of a regiment with us, we should hardly have -wanted porters to carry it. In a word, we departed to the regret -and admiration of all concerned, and left a great many people very -sorry behind US. - -Do you stay long here, Littimer?' said I, as he stood waiting to -see the coach start. - -'No, sir,' he replied; 'probably not very long, sir.' - -'He can hardly say, just now,' observed Steerforth, carelessly. -'He knows what he has to do, and he'll do it.' - -'That I am sure he will,' said I. - -Littimer touched his hat in acknowledgement of my good opinion, and -I felt about eight years old. He touched it once more, wishing us -a good journey; and we left him standing on the pavement, as -respectable a mystery as any pyramid in Egypt. - -For some little time we held no conversation, Steerforth being -unusually silent, and I being sufficiently engaged in wondering, -within myself, when I should see the old places again, and what new -changes might happen to me or them in the meanwhile. At length -Steerforth, becoming gay and talkative in a moment, as he could -become anything he liked at any moment, pulled me by the arm: - -'Find a voice, David. What about that letter you were speaking of -at breakfast?' - -'Oh!' said I, taking it out of my pocket. 'It's from my aunt.' - -'And what does she say, requiring consideration?' - -'Why, she reminds me, Steerforth,' said I, 'that I came out on -this expedition to look about me, and to think a little.' - -'Which, of course, you have done?' - -'Indeed I can't say I have, particularly. To tell you the truth, -I am afraid I have forgotten it.' - -'Well! look about you now, and make up for your negligence,' said -Steerforth. 'Look to the right, and you'll see a flat country, -with a good deal of marsh in it; look to the left, and you'll see -the same. Look to the front, and you'll find no difference; look -to the rear, and there it is still.' -I laughed, and replied that I saw no suitable profession in the -whole prospect; which was perhaps to be attributed to its flatness. - -'What says our aunt on the subject?' inquired Steerforth, glancing -at the letter in my hand. 'Does she suggest anything?' - -'Why, yes,' said I. 'She asks me, here, if I think I should like -to be a proctor? What do you think of it?' - -'Well, I don't know,' replied Steerforth, coolly. 'You may as well -do that as anything else, I suppose?' - -I could not help laughing again, at his balancing all callings and -professions so equally; and I told him so. - -'What is a proctor, Steerforth?' said I. - -'Why, he is a sort of monkish attorney,' replied Steerforth. 'He -is, to some faded courts held in Doctors' Commons, - a lazy old -nook near St. Paul's Churchyard - what solicitors are to the courts -of law and equity. He is a functionary whose existence, in the -natural course of things, would have terminated about two hundred -years ago. I can tell you best what he is, by telling you what -Doctors' Commons is. It's a little out-of-the-way place, where -they administer what is called ecclesiastical law, and play all -kinds of tricks with obsolete old monsters of acts of Parliament, -which three-fourths of the world know nothing about, and the other -fourth supposes to have been dug up, in a fossil state, in the days -of the Edwards. It's a place that has an ancient monopoly in suits -about people's wills and people's marriages, and disputes among -ships and boats.' - -'Nonsense, Steerforth!' I exclaimed. 'You don't mean to say that -there is any affinity between nautical matters and ecclesiastical -matters?' - -'I don't, indeed, my dear boy,' he returned; 'but I mean to say -that they are managed and decided by the same set of people, down -in that same Doctors' Commons. You shall go there one day, and -find them blundering through half the nautical terms in Young's -Dictionary, apropos of the "Nancy" having run down the "Sarah -Jane", or Mr. Peggotty and the Yarmouth boatmen having put off in -a gale of wind with an anchor and cable to the "Nelson" Indiaman in -distress; and you shall go there another day, and find them deep in -the evidence, pro and con, respecting a clergyman who has -misbehaved himself; and you shall find the judge in the nautical -case, the advocate in the clergyman's case, or contrariwise. They -are like actors: now a man's a judge, and now he is not a judge; -now he's one thing, now he's another; now he's something else, -change and change about; but it's always a very pleasant, -profitable little affair of private theatricals, presented to an -uncommonly select audience.' - -'But advocates and proctors are not one and the same?' said I, a -little puzzled. 'Are they?' - -'No,' returned Steerforth, 'the advocates are civilians - men who -have taken a doctor's degree at college - which is the first reason -of my knowing anything about it. The proctors employ the -advocates. Both get very comfortable fees, and altogether they -make a mighty snug little party. On the whole, I would recommend -you to take to Doctors' Commons kindly, David. They plume them- -selves on their gentility there, I can tell you, if that's any -satisfaction.' - -I made allowance for Steerforth's light way of treating the -subject, and, considering it with reference to the staid air of -gravity and antiquity which I associated with that 'lazy old nook -near St. Paul's Churchyard', did not feel indisposed towards my -aunt's suggestion; which she left to my free decision, making no -scruple of telling me that it had occurred to her, on her lately -visiting her own proctor in Doctors' Commons for the purpose of -settling her will in my favour. - -'That's a laudable proceeding on the part of our aunt, at all -events,' said Steerforth, when I mentioned it; 'and one deserving -of all encouragement. Daisy, my advice is that you take kindly to -Doctors' Commons.' - -I quite made up my mind to do so. I then told Steerforth that my -aunt was in town awaiting me (as I found from her letter), and that -she had taken lodgings for a week at a kind of private hotel at -Lincoln's Inn Fields, where there was a stone staircase, and a -convenient door in the roof; my aunt being firmly persuaded that -every house in London was going to be burnt down every night. - -We achieved the rest of our journey pleasantly, sometimes recurring -to Doctors' Commons, and anticipating the distant days when I -should be a proctor there, which Steerforth pictured in a variety -of humorous and whimsical lights, that made us both merry. When we -came to our journey's end, he went home, engaging to call upon me -next day but one; and I drove to Lincoln's Inn Fields, where I -found my aunt up, and waiting supper. - -If I had been round the world since we parted, we could hardly have -been better pleased to meet again. My aunt cried outright as she -embraced me; and said, pretending to laugh, that if my poor mother -had been alive, that silly little creature would have shed tears, -she had no doubt. - -'So you have left Mr. Dick behind, aunt?' said I. 'I am sorry for -that. Ah, Janet, how do you do?' - -As Janet curtsied, hoping I was well, I observed my aunt's visage -lengthen very much. - -'I am sorry for it, too,' said my aunt, rubbing her nose. 'I have -had no peace of mind, Trot, since I have been here.' -Before I could ask why, she told me. - -'I am convinced,' said my aunt, laying her hand with melancholy -firmness on the table, 'that Dick's character is not a character to -keep the donkeys off. I am confident he wants strength of purpose. -I ought to have left Janet at home, instead, and then my mind might -perhaps have been at ease. If ever there was a donkey trespassing -on my green,' said my aunt, with emphasis, 'there was one this -afternoon at four o'clock. A cold feeling came over me from head -to foot, and I know it was a donkey!' - -I tried to comfort her on this point, but she rejected consolation. - -'It was a donkey,' said my aunt; 'and it was the one with the -stumpy tail which that Murdering sister of a woman rode, when she -came to my house.' This had been, ever since, the only name my -aunt knew for Miss Murdstone. 'If there is any Donkey in Dover, -whose audacity it is harder to me to bear than another's, that,' -said my aunt, striking the table, 'is the animal!' - -Janet ventured to suggest that my aunt might be disturbing herself -unnecessarily, and that she believed the donkey in question was -then engaged in the sand-and-gravel line of business, and was not -available for purposes of trespass. But my aunt wouldn't hear of -it. - -Supper was comfortably served and hot, though my aunt's rooms were -very high up - whether that she might have more stone stairs for -her money, or might be nearer to the door in the roof, I don't know -- and consisted of a roast fowl, a steak, and some vegetables, to -all of which I did ample justice, and which were all excellent. -But my aunt had her own ideas concerning London provision, and ate -but little. - -'I suppose this unfortunate fowl was born and brought up in a -cellar,' said my aunt, 'and never took the air except on a hackney -coach-stand. I hope the steak may be beef, but I don't believe it. -Nothing's genuine in the place, in my opinion, but the dirt.' - -'Don't you think the fowl may have come out of the country, aunt?' -I hinted. - -'Certainly not,' returned my aunt. 'It would be no pleasure to a -London tradesman to sell anything which was what he pretended it -was.' - -I did not venture to controvert this opinion, but I made a good -supper, which it greatly satisfied her to see me do. When the -table was cleared, Janet assisted her to arrange her hair, to put -on her nightcap, which was of a smarter construction than usual -('in case of fire', my aunt said), and to fold her gown back over -her knees, these being her usual preparations for warming herself -before going to bed. I then made her, according to certain -established regulations from which no deviation, however slight, -could ever be permitted, a glass of hot wine and water, and a slice -of toast cut into long thin strips. With these accompaniments we -were left alone to finish the evening, my aunt sitting opposite to -me drinking her wine and water; soaking her strips of toast in it, -one by one, before eating them; and looking benignantly on me, from -among the borders of her nightcap. - -'Well, Trot,' she began, 'what do you think of the proctor plan? -Or have you not begun to think about it yet?' - -'I have thought a good deal about it, my dear aunt, and I have -talked a good deal about it with Steerforth. I like it very much -indeed. I like it exceedingly.' - -'Come!' said my aunt. 'That's cheering!' - -'I have only one difficulty, aunt.' - -'Say what it is, Trot,' she returned. - -'Why, I want to ask, aunt, as this seems, from what I understand, -to be a limited profession, whether my entrance into it would not -be very expensive?' - -'It will cost,' returned my aunt, 'to article you, just a thousand -pounds.' - -'Now, my dear aunt,' said I, drawing my chair nearer, 'I am uneasy -in my mind about that. It's a large sum of money. You have -expended a great deal on my education, and have always been as -liberal to me in all things as it was possible to be. You have -been the soul of generosity. Surely there are some ways in which -I might begin life with hardly any outlay, and yet begin with a -good hope of getting on by resolution and exertion. Are you sure -that it would not be better to try that course? Are you certain -that you can afford to part with so much money, and that it is -right that it should be so expended? I only ask you, my second -mother, to consider. Are you certain?' - -My aunt finished eating the piece of toast on which she was then -engaged, looking me full in the face all the while; and then -setting her glass on the chimney-piece, and folding her hands upon -her folded skirts, replied as follows: - -'Trot, my child, if I have any object in life, it is to provide for -your being a good, a sensible, and a happy man. I am bent upon it -- so is Dick. I should like some people that I know to hear Dick's -conversation on the subject. Its sagacity is wonderful. But no -one knows the resources of that man's intellect, except myself!' - -She stopped for a moment to take my hand between hers, and went on: - -'It's in vain, Trot, to recall the past, unless it works some -influence upon the present. Perhaps I might have been better -friends with your poor father. Perhaps I might have been better -friends with that poor child your mother, even after your sister -Betsey Trotwood disappointed me. When you came to me, a little -runaway boy, all dusty and way-worn, perhaps I thought so. From -that time until now, Trot, you have ever been a credit to me and a -pride and a pleasure. I have no other claim upon my means; at -least' - here to my surprise she hesitated, and was confused - 'no, -I have no other claim upon my means - and you are my adopted child. -Only be a loving child to me in my age, and bear with my whims and -fancies; and you will do more for an old woman whose prime of life -was not so happy or conciliating as it might have been, than ever -that old woman did for you.' - -It was the first time I had heard my aunt refer to her past -history. There was a magnanimity in her quiet way of doing so, and -of dismissing it, which would have exalted her in my respect and -affection, if anything could. - -'All is agreed and understood between us, now, Trot,' said my aunt, -'and we need talk of this no more. Give me a kiss, and we'll go to -the Commons after breakfast tomorrow.' - -We had a long chat by the fire before we went to bed. I slept in -a room on the same floor with my aunt's, and was a little disturbed -in the course of the night by her knocking at my door as often as -she was agitated by a distant sound of hackney-coaches or -market-carts, and inquiring, 'if I heard the engines?' But towards -morning she slept better, and suffered me to do so too. - -At about mid-day, we set out for the office of Messrs Spenlow and -Jorkins, in Doctors' Commons. My aunt, who had this other general -opinion in reference to London, that every man she saw was a -pickpocket, gave me her purse to carry for her, which had ten -guineas in it and some silver. - -We made a pause at the toy shop in Fleet Street, to see the giants -of Saint Dunstan's strike upon the bells - we had timed our going, -so as to catch them at it, at twelve o'clock - and then went on -towards Ludgate Hill, and St. Paul's Churchyard. We were crossing -to the former place, when I found that my aunt greatly accelerated -her speed, and looked frightened. I observed, at the same time, -that a lowering ill-dressed man who had stopped and stared at us in -passing, a little before, was coming so close after us as to brush -against her. - -'Trot! My dear Trot!' cried my aunt, in a terrified whisper, and -pressing my arm. 'I don't know what I am to do.' - -'Don't be alarmed,' said I. 'There's nothing to be afraid of. -Step into a shop, and I'll soon get rid of this fellow.' - -'No, no, child!' she returned. 'Don't speak to him for the world. -I entreat, I order you!' - -'Good Heaven, aunt!' said I. 'He is nothing but a sturdy -beggar.' - -'You don't know what he is!' replied my aunt. 'You don't know who -he is! You don't know what you say!' - -We had stopped in an empty door-way, while this was passing, and he -had stopped too. - -'Don't look at him!' said my aunt, as I turned my head indignantly, -'but get me a coach, my dear, and wait for me in St. Paul's -Churchyard.' - -'Wait for you?' I replied. - -'Yes,' rejoined my aunt. 'I must go alone. I must go with him.' - -'With him, aunt? This man?' - -'I am in my senses,' she replied, 'and I tell you I must. Get mea -coach!' - -However much astonished I might be, I was sensible that I had no -right to refuse compliance with such a peremptory command. I -hurried away a few paces, and called a hackney-chariot which was -passing empty. Almost before I could let down the steps, my aunt -sprang in, I don't know how, and the man followed. She waved her -hand to me to go away, so earnestly, that, all confounded as I was, -I turned from them at once. In doing so, I heard her say to the -coachman, 'Drive anywhere! Drive straight on!' and presently the -chariot passed me, going up the hill. - -What Mr. Dick had told me, and what I had supposed to be a delusion -of his, now came into my mind. I could not doubt that this person -was the person of whom he had made such mysterious mention, though -what the nature of his hold upon my aunt could possibly be, I was -quite unable to imagine. After half an hour's cooling in the -churchyard, I saw the chariot coming back. The driver stopped -beside me, and my aunt was sitting in it alone. - -She had not yet sufficiently recovered from her agitation to be -quite prepared for the visit we had to make. She desired me to get -into the chariot, and to tell the coachman to drive slowly up and -down a little while. She said no more, except, 'My dear child, -never ask me what it was, and don't refer to it,' until she had -perfectly regained her composure, when she told me she was quite -herself now, and we might get out. On her giving me her purse to -pay the driver, I found that all the guineas were gone, and only -the loose silver remained. - -Doctors' Commons was approached by a little low archway. Before we -had taken many paces down the street beyond it, the noise of the -city seemed to melt, as if by magic, into a softened distance. A -few dull courts and narrow ways brought us to the sky-lighted -offices of Spenlow and Jorkins; in the vestibule of which temple, -accessible to pilgrims without the ceremony of knocking, three or -four clerks were at work as copyists. One of these, a little dry -man, sitting by himself, who wore a stiff brown wig that looked as -if it were made of gingerbread, rose to receive my aunt, and show -us into Mr. Spenlow's room. - -'Mr. Spenlow's in Court, ma'am,' said the dry man; 'it's an Arches -day; but it's close by, and I'll send for him directly.' - -As we were left to look about us while Mr. Spenlow was fetched, I -availed myself of the opportunity. The furniture of the room was -old-fashioned and dusty; and the green baize on the top of the -writing-table had lost all its colour, and was as withered and pale -as an old pauper. There were a great many bundles of papers on it, -some endorsed as Allegations, and some (to my surprise) as Libels, -and some as being in the Consistory Court, and some in the Arches -Court, and some in the Prerogative Court, and some in the Admiralty -Court, and some in the Delegates' Court; giving me occasion to -wonder much, how many Courts there might be in the gross, and how -long it would take to understand them all. Besides these, there -were sundry immense manuscript Books of Evidence taken on -affidavit, strongly bound, and tied together in massive sets, a set -to each cause, as if every cause were a history in ten or twenty -volumes. All this looked tolerably expensive, I thought, and gave -me an agreeable notion of a proctor's business. I was casting my -eyes with increasing complacency over these and many similar -objects, when hasty footsteps were heard in the room outside, and -Mr. Spenlow, in a black gown trimmed with white fur, came hurrying -in, taking off his hat as he came. - -He was a little light-haired gentleman, with undeniable boots, and -the stiffest of white cravats and shirt-collars. He was buttoned -up, mighty trim and tight, and must have taken a great deal of -pains with his whiskers, which were accurately curled. His gold -watch-chain was so massive, that a fancy came across me, that he -ought to have a sinewy golden arm, to draw it out with, like those -which are put up over the goldbeaters' shops. He was got up with -such care, and was so stiff, that he could hardly bend himself; -being obliged, when he glanced at some papers on his desk, after -sitting down in his chair, to move his whole body, from the bottom -of his spine, like Punch. - -I had previously been presented by my aunt, and had been -courteously received. He now said: - -'And so, Mr. Copperfield, you think of entering into our -profession? I casually mentioned to Miss Trotwood, when I had the -pleasure of an interview with her the other day,' - with another -inclination of his body - Punch again - 'that there was a vacancy -here. Miss Trotwood was good enough to mention that she had a -nephew who was her peculiar care, and for whom she was seeking to -provide genteelly in life. That nephew, I believe, I have now the -pleasure of' - Punch again. -I bowed my acknowledgements, and said, my aunt had mentioned to me -that there was that opening, and that I believed I should like it -very much. That I was strongly inclined to like it, and had taken -immediately to the proposal. That I could not absolutely pledge -myself to like it, until I knew something more about it. That -although it was little else than a matter of form, I presumed I -should have an opportunity of trying how I liked it, before I bound -myself to it irrevocably. - -'Oh surely! surely!' said Mr. Spenlow. 'We always, in this house, -propose a month - an initiatory month. I should be happy, myself, -to propose two months - three - an indefinite period, in fact - but -I have a partner. Mr. Jorkins.' - -'And the premium, sir,' I returned, 'is a thousand pounds?' - -'And the premium, Stamp included, is a thousand pounds,' said Mr. -Spenlow. 'As I have mentioned to Miss Trotwood, I am actuated by -no mercenary considerations; few men are less so, I believe; but -Mr. Jorkins has his opinions on these subjects, and I am bound to -respect Mr. Jorkins's opinions. Mr. Jorkins thinks a thousand -pounds too little, in short.' - -'I suppose, sir,' said I, still desiring to spare my aunt, 'that it -is not the custom here, if an articled clerk were particularly -useful, and made himself a perfect master of his profession' - I -could not help blushing, this looked so like praising myself - 'I -suppose it is not the custom, in the later years of his time, to -allow him any -' - -Mr. Spenlow, by a great effort, just lifted his head far enough out -of his cravat to shake it, and answered, anticipating the word -'salary': - -'No. I will not say what consideration I might give to that point -myself, Mr. Copperfield, if I were unfettered. Mr. Jorkins is -immovable.' - -I was quite dismayed by the idea of this terrible Jorkins. But I -found out afterwards that he was a mild man of a heavy temperament, -whose place in the business was to keep himself in the background, -and be constantly exhibited by name as the most obdurate and -ruthless of men. If a clerk wanted his salary raised, Mr. Jorkins -wouldn't listen to such a proposition. If a client were slow to -settle his bill of costs, Mr. Jorkins was resolved to have it paid; -and however painful these things might be (and always were) to the -feelings of Mr. Spenlow, Mr. Jorkins would have his bond. The -heart and hand of the good angel Spenlow would have been always -open, but for the restraining demon Jorkins. As I have grown -older, I think I have had experience of some other houses doing -business on the principle of Spenlow and Jorkins! - -It was settled that I should begin my month's probation as soon as -I pleased, and that my aunt need neither remain in town nor return -at its expiration, as the articles of agreement, of which I was to -be the subject, could easily be sent to her at home for her -signature. When we had got so far, Mr. Spenlow offered to take me -into Court then and there, and show me what sort of place it was. -As I was willing enough to know, we went out with this object, -leaving my aunt behind; who would trust herself, she said, in no -such place, and who, I think, regarded all Courts of Law as a sort -of powder-mills that might blow up at any time. - -Mr. Spenlow conducted me through a paved courtyard formed of grave -brick houses, which I inferred, from the Doctors' names upon the -doors, to be the official abiding-places of the learned advocates -of whom Steerforth had told me; and into a large dull room, not -unlike a chapel to my thinking, on the left hand. The upper part -of this room was fenced off from the rest; and there, on the two -sides of a raised platform of the horse-shoe form, sitting on easy -old-fashioned dining-room chairs, were sundry gentlemen in red -gowns and grey wigs, whom I found to be the Doctors aforesaid. -Blinking over a little desk like a pulpit-desk, in the curve of the -horse-shoe, was an old gentleman, whom, if I had seen him in an -aviary, I should certainly have taken for an owl, but who, I -learned, was the presiding judge. In the space within the -horse-shoe, lower than these, that is to say, on about the level of -the floor, were sundry other gentlemen, of Mr. Spenlow's rank, and -dressed like him in black gowns with white fur upon them, sitting -at a long green table. Their cravats were in general stiff, I -thought, and their looks haughty; but in this last respect I -presently conceived I had done them an injustice, for when two or -three of them had to rise and answer a question of the presiding -dignitary, I never saw anything more sheepish. The public, -represented by a boy with a comforter, and a shabby-genteel man -secretly eating crumbs out of his coat pockets, was warming itself -at a stove in the centre of the Court. The languid stillness of -the place was only broken by the chirping of this fire and by the -voice of one of the Doctors, who was wandering slowly through a -perfect library of evidence, and stopping to put up, from time to -time, at little roadside inns of argument on the journey. -Altogether, I have never, on any occasion, made one at such a -cosey, dosey, old-fashioned, time-forgotten, sleepy-headed little -family-party in all my life; and I felt it would be quite a -soothing opiate to belong to it in any character - except perhaps -as a suitor. - -Very well satisfied with the dreamy nature of this retreat, I -informed Mr. Spenlow that I had seen enough for that time, and we -rejoined my aunt; in company with whom I presently departed from -the Commons, feeling very young when I went out of Spenlow and -Jorkins's, on account of the clerks poking one another with their -pens to point me out. - -We arrived at Lincoln's Inn Fields without any new adventures, -except encountering an unlucky donkey in a costermonger's cart, who -suggested painful associations to my aunt. We had another long -talk about my plans, when we were safely housed; and as I knew she -was anxious to get home, and, between fire, food, and pickpockets, -could never be considered at her ease for half-an-hour in London, -I urged her not to be uncomfortable on my account, but to leave me -to take care of myself. - -'I have not been here a week tomorrow, without considering that -too, my dear,' she returned. 'There is a furnished little set of -chambers to be let in the Adelphi, Trot, which ought to suit you to -a marvel.' - -With this brief introduction, she produced from her pocket an -advertisement, carefully cut out of a newspaper, setting forth that -in Buckingham Street in the Adelphi there was to be let furnished, -with a view of the river, a singularly desirable, and compact set -of chambers, forming a genteel residence for a young gentleman, a -member of one of the Inns of Court, or otherwise, with immediate -possession. Terms moderate, and could be taken for a month only, -if required. - -'Why, this is the very thing, aunt!' said I, flushed with the -possible dignity of living in chambers. - -'Then come,' replied my aunt, immediately resuming the bonnet she -had a minute before laid aside. 'We'll go and look at 'em.' - -Away we went. The advertisement directed us to apply to Mrs. Crupp -on the premises, and we rung the area bell, which we supposed to -communicate with Mrs. Crupp. It was not until we had rung three or -four times that we could prevail on Mrs. Crupp to communicate with -us, but at last she appeared, being a stout lady with a flounce of -flannel petticoat below a nankeen gown. - -'Let us see these chambers of yours, if you please, ma'am,' said my -aunt. - -'For this gentleman?' said Mrs. Crupp, feeling in her pocket for -her keys. - -'Yes, for my nephew,' said my aunt. - -'And a sweet set they is for sich!' said Mrs. Crupp. - -So we went upstairs. - -They were on the top of the house - a great point with my aunt, -being near the fire-escape - and consisted of a little half-blind -entry where you could see hardly anything, a little stone-blind -pantry where you could see nothing at all, a sitting-room, and a -bedroom. The furniture was rather faded, but quite good enough for -me; and, sure enough, the river was outside the windows. - -As I was delighted with the place, my aunt and Mrs. Crupp withdrew -into the pantry to discuss the terms, while I remained on the -sitting-room sofa, hardly daring to think it possible that I could -be destined to live in such a noble residence. After a single -combat of some duration they returned, and I saw, to my joy, both -in Mrs. Crupp's countenance and in my aunt's, that the deed was -done. - -'Is it the last occupant's furniture?' inquired my aunt. - -'Yes, it is, ma'am,' said Mrs. Crupp. - -'What's become of him?' asked my aunt. - -Mrs. Crupp was taken with a troublesome cough, in the midst of -which she articulated with much difficulty. 'He was took ill here, -ma'am, and - ugh! ugh! ugh! dear me! - and he died!' - -'Hey! What did he die of?' asked my aunt. - -'Well, ma'am, he died of drink,' said Mrs. Crupp, in confidence. -'And smoke.' - -'Smoke? You don't mean chimneys?' said my aunt. - -'No, ma'am,' returned Mrs. Crupp. 'Cigars and pipes.' - -'That's not catching, Trot, at any rate,' remarked my aunt, turning -to me. - -'No, indeed,' said I. - -In short, my aunt, seeing how enraptured I was with the premises, -took them for a month, with leave to remain for twelve months when -that time was out. Mrs. Crupp was to find linen, and to cook; -every other necessary was already provided; and Mrs. Crupp -expressly intimated that she should always yearn towards me as a -son. I was to take possession the day after tomorrow, and Mrs. -Crupp said, thank Heaven she had now found summun she could care -for! - -On our way back, my aunt informed me how she confidently trusted -that the life I was now to lead would make me firm and -self-reliant, which was all I wanted. She repeated this several -times next day, in the intervals of our arranging for the -transmission of my clothes and books from Mr. Wickfield's; relative -to which, and to all my late holiday, I wrote a long letter to -Agnes, of which my aunt took charge, as she was to leave on the -succeeding day. Not to lengthen these particulars, I need only -add, that she made a handsome provision for all my possible wants -during my month of trial; that Steerforth, to my great -disappointment and hers too, did not make his appearance before she -went away; that I saw her safely seated in the Dover coach, -exulting in the coming discomfiture of the vagrant donkeys, with -Janet at her side; and that when the coach was gone, I turned my -face to the Adelphi, pondering on the old days when I used to roam -about its subterranean arches, and on the happy changes which had -brought me to the surface. - - - -CHAPTER 24 -MY FIRST DISSIPATION - - -It was a wonderfully fine thing to have that lofty castle to -myself, and to feel, when I shut my outer door, like Robinson -Crusoe, when he had got into his fortification, and pulled his -ladder up after him. It was a wonderfully fine thing to walk about -town with the key of my house in my pocket, and to know that I -could ask any fellow to come home, and make quite sure of its being -inconvenient to nobody, if it were not so to me. It was a -wonderfully fine thing to let myself in and out, and to come and go -without a word to anyone, and to ring Mrs. Crupp up, gasping, from -the depths of the earth, when I wanted her - and when she was -disposed to come. All this, I say, was wonderfully fine; but I -must say, too, that there were times when it was very dreary. - -It was fine in the morning, particularly in the fine mornings. It -looked a very fresh, free life, by daylight: still fresher, and -more free, by sunlight. But as the day declined, the life seemed -to go down too. I don't know how it was; it seldom looked well by -candle-light. I wanted somebody to talk to, then. I missed Agnes. -I found a tremendous blank, in the place of that smiling repository -of my confidence. Mrs. Crupp appeared to be a long way off. I -thought about my predecessor, who had died of drink and smoke; and -I could have wished he had been so good as to live, and not bother -me with his decease. - -After two days and nights, I felt as if I had lived there for a -year, and yet I was not an hour older, but was quite as much -tormented by my own youthfulness as ever. - -Steerforth not yet appearing, which induced me to apprehend that he -must be ill, I left the Commons early on the third day, and walked -out to Highgate. Mrs. Steerforth was very glad to see me, and said -that he had gone away with one of his Oxford friends to see another -who lived near St. Albans, but that she expected him to return -tomorrow. I was so fond of him, that I felt quite jealous of his -Oxford friends. - -As she pressed me to stay to dinner, I remained, and I believe we -talked about nothing but him all day. I told her how much the -people liked him at Yarmouth, and what a delightful companion he -had been. Miss Dartle was full of hints and mysterious questions, -but took a great interest in all our proceedings there, and said, -'Was it really though?' and so forth, so often, that she got -everything out of me she wanted to know. Her appearance was -exactly what I have described it, when I first saw her; but the -society of the two ladies was so agreeable, and came so natural to -me, that I felt myself falling a little in love with her. I could -not help thinking, several times in the course of the evening, and -particularly when I walked home at night, what delightful company -she would be in Buckingham Street. - -I was taking my coffee and roll in the morning, before going to the -Commons - and I may observe in this place that it is surprising how -much coffee Mrs. Crupp used, and how weak it was, considering - -when Steerforth himself walked in, to my unbounded joy. - -'My dear Steerforth,' cried I, 'I began to think I should never see -you again!' - -'I was carried off, by force of arms,' said Steerforth, 'the very -next morning after I got home. Why, Daisy, what a rare old -bachelor you are here!' - -I showed him over the establishment, not omitting the pantry, with -no little pride, and he commended it highly. 'I tell you what, old -boy,' he added, 'I shall make quite a town-house of this place, -unless you give me notice to quit.' - -This was a delightful hearing. I told him if he waited for that, -he would have to wait till doomsday. - -'But you shall have some breakfast!' said I, with my hand on the -bell-rope, 'and Mrs. Crupp shall make you some fresh coffee, and -I'll toast you some bacon in a bachelor's Dutch-oven, that I have -got here.' - -'No, no!' said Steerforth. 'Don't ring! I can't! I am going to -breakfast with one of these fellows who is at the Piazza Hotel, in -Covent Garden.' - -'But you'll come back to dinner?' said I. - -'I can't, upon my life. There's nothing I should like better, but -I must remain with these two fellows. We are all three off -together tomorrow morning.' - -'Then bring them here to dinner,' I returned. 'Do you think they -would come?' - -'Oh! they would come fast enough,' said Steerforth; 'but we should -inconvenience you. You had better come and dine with us -somewhere.' - -I would not by any means consent to this, for it occurred to me -that I really ought to have a little house-warming, and that there -never could be a better opportunity. I had a new pride in my rooms -after his approval of them, and burned with a desire to develop -their utmost resources. I therefore made him promise positively in -the names of his two friends, and we appointed six o'clock as the -dinner-hour. - -When he was gone, I rang for Mrs. Crupp, and acquainted her with my -desperate design. Mrs. Crupp said, in the first place, of course -it was well known she couldn't be expected to wait, but she knew a -handy young man, who she thought could be prevailed upon to do it, -and whose terms would be five shillings, and what I pleased. I -said, certainly we would have him. Next Mrs. Crupp said it was -clear she couldn't be in two places at once (which I felt to be -reasonable), and that 'a young gal' stationed in the pantry with a -bedroom candle, there never to desist from washing plates, would be -indispensable. I said, what would be the expense of this young -female? and Mrs. Crupp said she supposed eighteenpence would -neither make me nor break me. I said I supposed not; and THAT was -settled. Then Mrs. Crupp said, Now about the dinner. - -It was a remarkable instance of want of forethought on the part of -the ironmonger who had made Mrs. Crupp's kitchen fireplace, that it -was capable of cooking nothing but chops and mashed potatoes. As -to a fish-kittle, Mrs. Crupp said, well! would I only come and look -at the range? She couldn't say fairer than that. Would I come and -look at it? As I should not have been much the wiser if I HAD -looked at it, I declined, and said, 'Never mind fish.' But Mrs. -Crupp said, Don't say that; oysters was in, why not them? So THAT -was settled. Mrs. Crupp then said what she would recommend would -be this. A pair of hot roast fowls - from the pastry-cook's; a -dish of stewed beef, with vegetables - from the pastry-cook's; two -little corner things, as a raised pie and a dish of kidneys - from -the pastrycook's; a tart, and (if I liked) a shape of jelly - from -the pastrycook's. This, Mrs. Crupp said, would leave her at full -liberty to concentrate her mind on the potatoes, and to serve up -the cheese and celery as she could wish to see it done. - -I acted on Mrs. Crupp's opinion, and gave the order at the -pastry-cook's myself. Walking along the Strand, afterwards, and -observing a hard mottled substance in the window of a ham and beef -shop, which resembled marble, but was labelled 'Mock Turtle', I -went in and bought a slab of it, which I have since seen reason to -believe would have sufficed for fifteen people. This preparation, -Mrs. Crupp, after some difficulty, consented to warm up; and it -shrunk so much in a liquid state, that we found it what Steerforth -called 'rather a tight fit' for four. - -These preparations happily completed, I bought a little dessert in -Covent Garden Market, and gave a rather extensive order at a retail -wine-merchant's in that vicinity. When I came home in the -afternoon, and saw the bottles drawn up in a square on the pantry -floor, they looked so numerous (though there were two missing, -which made Mrs. Crupp very uncomfortable), that I was absolutely -frightened at them. - -One of Steerforth's friends was named Grainger, and the other -Markham. They were both very gay and lively fellows; Grainger, -something older than Steerforth; Markham, youthful-looking, and I -should say not more than twenty. I observed that the latter always -spoke of himself indefinitely, as 'a man', and seldom or never in -the first person singular. - -'A man might get on very well here, Mr. Copperfield,' said Markham -- meaning himself. - -'It's not a bad situation,' said I, 'and the rooms are really -commodious.' - -'I hope you have both brought appetites with you?' said Steerforth. - -'Upon my honour,' returned Markham, 'town seems to sharpen a man's -appetite. A man is hungry all day long. A man is perpetually -eating.' - -Being a little embarrassed at first, and feeling much too young to -preside, I made Steerforth take the head of the table when dinner -was announced, and seated myself opposite to him. Everything was -very good; we did not spare the wine; and he exerted himself so -brilliantly to make the thing pass off well, that there was no -pause in our festivity. I was not quite such good company during -dinner as I could have wished to be, for my chair was opposite the -door, and my attention was distracted by observing that the handy -young man went out of the room very often, and that his shadow -always presented itself, immediately afterwards, on the wall of the -entry, with a bottle at its mouth. The 'young gal' likewise -occasioned me some uneasiness: not so much by neglecting to wash -the plates, as by breaking them. For being of an inquisitive -disposition, and unable to confine herself (as her positive -instructions were) to the pantry, she was constantly peering in at -us, and constantly imagining herself detected; in which belief, she -several times retired upon the plates (with which she had carefully -paved the floor), and did a great deal of destruction. - -These, however, were small drawbacks, and easily forgotten when the -cloth was cleared, and the dessert put on the table; at which -period of the entertainment the handy young man was discovered to -be speechless. Giving him private directions to seek the society -of Mrs. Crupp, and to remove the 'young gal' to the basement also, -I abandoned myself to enjoyment. - -I began, by being singularly cheerful and light-hearted; all sorts -of half-forgotten things to talk about, came rushing into my mind, -and made me hold forth in a most unwonted manner. I laughed -heartily at my own jokes, and everybody else's; called Steerforth -to order for not passing the wine; made several engagements to go -to Oxford; announced that I meant to have a dinner-party exactly -like that, once a week, until further notice; and madly took so -much snuff out of Grainger's box, that I was obliged to go into the -pantry, and have a private fit of sneezing ten minutes long. - -I went on, by passing the wine faster and faster yet, and -continually starting up with a corkscrew to open more wine, long -before any was needed. I proposed Steerforth's health. I said he -was my dearest friend, the protector of my boyhood, and the -companion of my prime. I said I was delighted to propose his -health. I said I owed him more obligations than I could ever -repay, and held him in a higher admiration than I could ever -express. I finished by saying, 'I'll give you Steerforth! God -bless him! Hurrah!' We gave him three times three, and another, -and a good one to finish with. I broke my glass in going round the -table to shake hands with him, and I said (in two words) -'Steerforth - you'retheguidingstarofmyexistence.' - -I went on, by finding suddenly that somebody was in the middle of -a song. Markham was the singer, and he sang 'When the heart of a -man is depressed with care'. He said, when he had sung it, he -would give us 'Woman!' I took objection to that, and I couldn't -allow it. I said it was not a respectful way of proposing the -toast, and I would never permit that toast to be drunk in my house -otherwise than as 'The Ladies!' I was very high with him, mainly I -think because I saw Steerforth and Grainger laughing at me - or at -him - or at both of us. He said a man was not to be dictated to. -I said a man was. He said a man was not to be insulted, then. I -said he was right there - never under my roof, where the Lares were -sacred, and the laws of hospitality paramount. He said it was no -derogation from a man's dignity to confess that I was a devilish -good fellow. I instantly proposed his health. - -Somebody was smoking. We were all smoking. I was smoking, and -trying to suppress a rising tendency to shudder. Steerforth had -made a speech about me, in the course of which I had been affected -almost to tears. I returned thanks, and hoped the present company -would dine with me tomorrow, and the day after - each day at five -o'clock, that we might enjoy the pleasures of conversation and -society through a long evening. I felt called upon to propose an -individual. I would give them my aunt. Miss Betsey Trotwood, the -best of her sex! - -Somebody was leaning out of my bedroom window, refreshing his -forehead against the cool stone of the parapet, and feeling the air -upon his face. It was myself. I was addressing myself as -'Copperfield', and saying, 'Why did you try to smoke? You might -have known you couldn't do it.' Now, somebody was unsteadily -contemplating his features in the looking-glass. That was I too. -I was very pale in the looking-glass; my eyes had a vacant -appearance; and my hair - only my hair, nothing else - looked -drunk. - -Somebody said to me, 'Let us go to the theatre, Copperfield!' There -was no bedroom before me, but again the jingling table covered with -glasses; the lamp; Grainger on my right hand, Markham on my left, -and Steerforth opposite - all sitting in a mist, and a long way -off. The theatre? To be sure. The very thing. Come along! But -they must excuse me if I saw everybody out first, and turned the -lamp off - in case of fire. - -Owing to some confusion in the dark, the door was gone. I was -feeling for it in the window-curtains, when Steerforth, laughing, -took me by the arm and led me out. We went downstairs, one behind -another. Near the bottom, somebody fell, and rolled down. -Somebody else said it was Copperfield. I was angry at that false -report, until, finding myself on my back in the passage, I began to -think there might be some foundation for it. - -A very foggy night, with great rings round the lamps in the -streets! There was an indistinct talk of its being wet. I -considered it frosty. Steerforth dusted me under a lamp-post, and -put my hat into shape, which somebody produced from somewhere in a -most extraordinary manner, for I hadn't had it on before. -Steerforth then said, 'You are all right, Copperfield, are you -not?' and I told him, 'Neverberrer.' - -A man, sitting in a pigeon-hole-place, looked out of the fog, and -took money from somebody, inquiring if I was one of the gentlemen -paid for, and appearing rather doubtful (as I remember in the -glimpse I had of him) whether to take the money for me or not. -Shortly afterwards, we were very high up in a very hot theatre, -looking down into a large pit, that seemed to me to smoke; the -people with whom it was crammed were so indistinct. There was a -great stage, too, looking very clean and smooth after the streets; -and there were people upon it, talking about something or other, -but not at all intelligibly. There was an abundance of bright -lights, and there was music, and there were ladies down in the -boxes, and I don't know what more. The whole building looked to me -as if it were learning to swim; it conducted itself in such an -unaccountable manner, when I tried to steady it. - -On somebody's motion, we resolved to go downstairs to the -dress-boxes, where the ladies were. A gentleman lounging, full -dressed, on a sofa, with an opera-glass in his hand, passed before -my view, and also my own figure at full length in a glass. Then I -was being ushered into one of these boxes, and found myself saying -something as I sat down, and people about me crying 'Silence!' to -somebody, and ladies casting indignant glances at me, and - what! -yes! - Agnes, sitting on the seat before me, in the same box, with -a lady and gentleman beside her, whom I didn't know. I see her -face now, better than I did then, I dare say, with its indelible -look of regret and wonder turned upon me. - -'Agnes!' I said, thickly, 'Lorblessmer! Agnes!' - -'Hush! Pray!' she answered, I could not conceive why. 'You -disturb the company. Look at the stage!' - -I tried, on her injunction, to fix it, and to hear something of -what was going on there, but quite in vain. I looked at her again -by and by, and saw her shrink into her corner, and put her gloved -hand to her forehead. - -'Agnes!' I said. 'I'mafraidyou'renorwell.' - -'Yes, yes. Do not mind me, Trotwood,' she returned. 'Listen! Are -you going away soon?' - -'Amigoarawaysoo?' I repeated. - -'Yes.' - -I had a stupid intention of replying that I was going to wait, to -hand her downstairs. I suppose I expressed it, somehow; for after -she had looked at me attentively for a little while, she appeared -to understand, and replied in a low tone: - -'I know you will do as I ask you, if I tell you I am very earnest -in it. Go away now, Trotwood, for my sake, and ask your friends to -take you home.' - -She had so far improved me, for the time, that though I was angry -with her, I felt ashamed, and with a short 'Goori!' (which I -intended for 'Good night!') got up and went away. They followed, -and I stepped at once out of the box-door into my bedroom, where -only Steerforth was with me, helping me to undress, and where I was -by turns telling him that Agnes was my sister, and adjuring him to -bring the corkscrew, that I might open another bottle of wine. - -How somebody, lying in my bed, lay saying and doing all this over -again, at cross purposes, in a feverish dream all night - the bed -a rocking sea that was never still! How, as that somebody slowly -settled down into myself, did I begin to parch, and feel as if my -outer covering of skin were a hard board; my tongue the bottom of -an empty kettle, furred with long service, and burning up over a -slow fire; the palms of my hands, hot plates of metal which no ice -could cool! - -But the agony of mind, the remorse, and shame I felt when I became -conscious next day! My horror of having committed a thousand -offences I had forgotten, and which nothing could ever expiate - my -recollection of that indelible look which Agnes had given me - the -torturing impossibility of communicating with her, not knowing, -Beast that I was, how she came to be in London, or where she stayed -- my disgust of the very sight of the room where the revel had been -held - my racking head - the smell of smoke, the sight of glasses, -the impossibility of going out, or even getting up! Oh, what a day -it was! - -Oh, what an evening, when I sat down by my fire to a basin of -mutton broth, dimpled all over with fat, and thought I was going -the way of my predecessor, and should succeed to his dismal story -as well as to his chambers, and had half a mind to rush express to -Dover and reveal all! What an evening, when Mrs. Crupp, coming in -to take away the broth-basin, produced one kidney on a cheese-plate -as the entire remains of yesterday's feast, and I was really -inclined to fall upon her nankeen breast and say, in heartfelt -penitence, 'Oh, Mrs. Crupp, Mrs. Crupp, never mind the broken -meats! I am very miserable!' - only that I doubted, even at that -pass, if Mrs. Crupp were quite the sort of woman to confide in! - - -CHAPTER 25 -GOOD AND BAD ANGELS - - -I was going out at my door on the morning after that deplorable day -of headache, sickness, and repentance, with an odd confusion in my -mind relative to the date of my dinner-party, as if a body of -Titans had taken an enormous lever and pushed the day before -yesterday some months back, when I saw a ticket-porter coming -upstairs, with a letter in his hand. He was taking his time about -his errand, then; but when he saw me on the top of the staircase, -looking at him over the banisters, he swung into a trot, and came -up panting as if he had run himself into a state of exhaustion. - -'T. Copperfield, Esquire,' said the ticket-porter, touching his hat -with his little cane. - -I could scarcely lay claim to the name: I was so disturbed by the -conviction that the letter came from Agnes. However, I told him I -was T. Copperfield, Esquire, and he believed it, and gave me the -letter, which he said required an answer. I shut him out on the -landing to wait for the answer, and went into my chambers again, in -such a nervous state that I was fain to lay the letter down on my -breakfast table, and familiarize myself with the outside of it a -little, before I could resolve to break the seal. - -I found, when I did open it, that it was a very kind note, -containing no reference to my condition at the theatre. All it -said was, 'My dear Trotwood. I am staying at the house of papa's -agent, Mr. Waterbrook, in Ely Place, Holborn. Will you come and -see me today, at any time you like to appoint? Ever yours -affectionately, AGNES.' - -It took me such a long time to write an answer at all to my -satisfaction, that I don't know what the ticket-porter can have -thought, unless he thought I was learning to write. I must have -written half-a-dozen answers at least. I began one, 'How can I -ever hope, my dear Agnes, to efface from your remembrance the -disgusting impression' - there I didn't like it, and then I tore it -up. I began another, 'Shakespeare has observed, my dear Agnes, how -strange it is that a man should put an enemy into his mouth' - that -reminded me of Markham, and it got no farther. I even tried -poetry. I began one note, in a six-syllable line, 'Oh, do not -remember' - but that associated itself with the fifth of November, -and became an absurdity. After many attempts, I wrote, 'My dear -Agnes. Your letter is like you, and what could I say of it that -would be higher praise than that? I will come at four o'clock. -Affectionately and sorrowfully, T.C.' With this missive (which I -was in twenty minds at once about recalling, as soon as it was out -of my hands), the ticket-porter at last departed. - -If the day were half as tremendous to any other professional -gentleman in Doctors' Commons as it was to me, I sincerely believe -he made some expiation for his share in that rotten old -ecclesiastical cheese. Although I left the office at half past -three, and was prowling about the place of appointment within a few -minutes afterwards, the appointed time was exceeded by a full -quarter of an hour, according to the clock of St. Andrew's, -Holborn, before I could muster up sufficient desperation to pull -the private bell-handle let into the left-hand door-post of Mr. -Waterbrook's house. - -The professional business of Mr. Waterbrook's establishment was -done on the ground-floor, and the genteel business (of which there -was a good deal) in the upper part of the building. I was shown -into a pretty but rather close drawing-room, and there sat Agnes, -netting a purse. - -She looked so quiet and good, and reminded me so strongly of my -airy fresh school days at Canterbury, and the sodden, smoky, stupid -wretch I had been the other night, that, nobody being by, I yielded -to my self-reproach and shame, and - in short, made a fool of -myself. I cannot deny that I shed tears. To this hour I am -undecided whether it was upon the whole the wisest thing I could -have done, or the most ridiculous. - -'If it had been anyone but you, Agnes,' said I, turning away my -head, 'I should not have minded it half so much. But that it -should have been you who saw me! I almost wish I had been dead, -first.' - -She put her hand - its touch was like no other hand - upon my arm -for a moment; and I felt so befriended and comforted, that I could -not help moving it to my lips, and gratefully kissing it. - -'Sit down,' said Agnes, cheerfully. 'Don't be unhappy, Trotwood. -If you cannot confidently trust me, whom will you trust?' - -'Ah, Agnes!' I returned. 'You are my good Angel!' - -She smiled rather sadly, I thought, and shook her head. - -'Yes, Agnes, my good Angel! Always my good Angel!' - -'If I were, indeed, Trotwood,' she returned, 'there is one thing -that I should set my heart on very much.' - -I looked at her inquiringly; but already with a foreknowledge of -her meaning. - -'On warning you,' said Agnes, with a steady glance, 'against your -bad Angel.' - -'My dear Agnes,' I began, 'if you mean Steerforth -' - -'I do, Trotwood,' she returned. -'Then, Agnes, you wrong him very much. He my bad Angel, or -anyone's! He, anything but a guide, a support, and a friend to me! -My dear Agnes! Now, is it not unjust, and unlike you, to judge him -from what you saw of me the other night?' - -'I do not judge him from what I saw of you the other night,' she -quietly replied. - -'From what, then?' - -'From many things - trifles in themselves, but they do not seem to -me to be so, when they are put together. I judge him, partly from -your account of him, Trotwood, and your character, and the -influence he has over you.' - -There was always something in her modest voice that seemed to touch -a chord within me, answering to that sound alone. It was always -earnest; but when it was very earnest, as it was now, there was a -thrill in it that quite subdued me. I sat looking at her as she -cast her eyes down on her work; I sat seeming still to listen to -her; and Steerforth, in spite of all my attachment to him, darkened -in that tone. - -'It is very bold in me,' said Agnes, looking up again, 'who have -lived in such seclusion, and can know so little of the world, to -give you my advice so confidently, or even to have this strong -opinion. But I know in what it is engendered, Trotwood, - in how -true a remembrance of our having grown up together, and in how true -an interest in all relating to you. It is that which makes me -bold. I am certain that what I say is right. I am quite sure it -is. I feel as if it were someone else speaking to you, and not I, -when I caution you that you have made a dangerous friend.' - -Again I looked at her, again I listened to her after she was -silent, and again his image, though it was still fixed in my heart, -darkened. - -'I am not so unreasonable as to expect,' said Agnes, resuming her -usual tone, after a little while, 'that you will, or that you can, -at once, change any sentiment that has become a conviction to you; -least of all a sentiment that is rooted in your trusting -disposition. You ought not hastily to do that. I only ask you, -Trotwood, if you ever think of me - I mean,' with a quiet smile, -for I was going to interrupt her, and she knew why, 'as often as -you think of me - to think of what I have said. Do you forgive me -for all this?' - -'I will forgive you, Agnes,' I replied, 'when you come to do -Steerforth justice, and to like him as well as I do.' - -'Not until then?' said Agnes. - -I saw a passing shadow on her face when I made this mention of him, -but she returned my smile, and we were again as unreserved in our -mutual confidence as of old. - -'And when, Agnes,' said I, 'will you forgive me the other night?' - -'When I recall it,' said Agnes. - -She would have dismissed the subject so, but I was too full of it -to allow that, and insisted on telling her how it happened that I -had disgraced myself, and what chain of accidental circumstances -had had the theatre for its final link. It was a great relief to -me to do this, and to enlarge on the obligation that I owed to -Steerforth for his care of me when I was unable to take care of -myself. - -'You must not forget,' said Agnes, calmly changing the conversation -as soon as I had concluded, 'that you are always to tell me, not -only when you fall into trouble, but when you fall in love. Who -has succeeded to Miss Larkins, Trotwood?' - -'No one, Agnes.' - -'Someone, Trotwood,' said Agnes, laughing, and holding up her -finger. - -'No, Agnes, upon my word! There is a lady, certainly, at Mrs. -Steerforth's house, who is very clever, and whom I like to talk to -- Miss Dartle - but I don't adore her.' - -Agnes laughed again at her own penetration, and told me that if I -were faithful to her in my confidence she thought she should keep -a little register of my violent attachments, with the date, -duration, and termination of each, like the table of the reigns of -the kings and queens, in the History of England. Then she asked me -if I had seen Uriah. - -'Uriah Heep?' said I. 'No. Is he in London?' - -'He comes to the office downstairs, every day,' returned Agnes. -'He was in London a week before me. I am afraid on disagreeable -business, Trotwood.' - -'On some business that makes you uneasy, Agnes, I see,' said I. -'What can that be?' - -Agnes laid aside her work, and replied, folding her hands upon one -another, and looking pensively at me out of those beautiful soft -eyes of hers: - -'I believe he is going to enter into partnership with papa.' - -'What? Uriah? That mean, fawning fellow, worm himself into such -promotion!' I cried, indignantly. 'Have you made no remonstrance -about it, Agnes? Consider what a connexion it is likely to be. -You must speak out. You must not allow your father to take such a -mad step. You must prevent it, Agnes, while there's time.' - -Still looking at me, Agnes shook her head while I was speaking, -with a faint smile at my warmth: and then replied: - -'You remember our last conversation about papa? It was not long -after that - not more than two or three days - when he gave me the -first intimation of what I tell you. It was sad to see him -struggling between his desire to represent it to me as a matter of -choice on his part, and his inability to conceal that it was forced -upon him. I felt very sorry.' - -'Forced upon him, Agnes! Who forces it upon him?' - -'Uriah,' she replied, after a moment's hesitation, 'has made -himself indispensable to papa. He is subtle and watchful. He has -mastered papa's weaknesses, fostered them, and taken advantage of -them, until - to say all that I mean in a word, Trotwood, - until -papa is afraid of him.' - -There was more that she might have said; more that she knew, or -that she suspected; I clearly saw. I could not give her pain by -asking what it was, for I knew that she withheld it from me, to -spare her father. It had long been going on to this, I was -sensible: yes, I could not but feel, on the least reflection, that -it had been going on to this for a long time. I remained silent. - -'His ascendancy over papa,' said Agnes, 'is very great. He -professes humility and gratitude - with truth, perhaps: I hope so -- but his position is really one of power, and I fear he makes a -hard use of his power.' - -I said he was a hound, which, at the moment, was a great -satisfaction to me. - -'At the time I speak of, as the time when papa spoke to me,' -pursued Agnes, 'he had told papa that he was going away; that he -was very sorry, and unwilling to leave, but that he had better -prospects. Papa was very much depressed then, and more bowed down -by care than ever you or I have seen him; but he seemed relieved by -this expedient of the partnership, though at the same time he -seemed hurt by it and ashamed of it.' - -'And how did you receive it, Agnes?' - -'I did, Trotwood,' she replied, 'what I hope was right. Feeling -sure that it was necessary for papa's peace that the sacrifice -should be made, I entreated him to make it. I said it would -lighten the load of his life - I hope it will! - and that it would -give me increased opportunities of being his companion. Oh, -Trotwood!' cried Agnes, putting her hands before her face, as her -tears started on it, 'I almost feel as if I had been papa's enemy, -instead of his loving child. For I know how he has altered, in his -devotion to me. I know how he has narrowed the circle of his -sympathies and duties, in the concentration of his whole mind upon -me. I know what a multitude of things he has shut out for my sake, -and how his anxious thoughts of me have shadowed his life, and -weakened his strength and energy, by turning them always upon one -idea. If I could ever set this right! If I could ever work out -his restoration, as I have so innocently been the cause of his -decline!' - -I had never before seen Agnes cry. I had seen tears in her eyes -when I had brought new honours home from school, and I had seen -them there when we last spoke about her father, and I had seen her -turn her gentle head aside when we took leave of one another; but -I had never seen her grieve like this. It made me so sorry that I -could only say, in a foolish, helpless manner, 'Pray, Agnes, don't! -Don't, my dear sister!' - -But Agnes was too superior to me in character and purpose, as I -know well now, whatever I might know or not know then, to be long -in need of my entreaties. The beautiful, calm manner, which makes -her so different in my remembrance from everybody else, came back -again, as if a cloud had passed from a serene sky. - -'We are not likely to remain alone much longer,' said Agnes, 'and -while I have an opportunity, let me earnestly entreat you, -Trotwood, to be friendly to Uriah. Don't repel him. Don't resent -(as I think you have a general disposition to do) what may be -uncongenial to you in him. He may not deserve it, for we know no -certain ill of him. In any case, think first of papa and me!' - -Agnes had no time to say more, for the room door opened, and Mrs. -Waterbrook, who was a large lady - or who wore a large dress: I -don't exactly know which, for I don't know which was dress and -which was lady - came sailing in. I had a dim recollection of -having seen her at the theatre, as if I had seen her in a pale -magic lantern; but she appeared to remember me perfectly, and still -to suspect me of being in a state of intoxication. - -Finding by degrees, however, that I was sober, and (I hope) that I -was a modest young gentleman, Mrs. Waterbrook softened towards me -considerably, and inquired, firstly, if I went much into the parks, -and secondly, if I went much into society. On my replying to both -these questions in the negative, it occurred to me that I fell -again in her good opinion; but she concealed the fact gracefully, -and invited me to dinner next day. I accepted the invitation, and -took my leave, making a call on Uriah in the office as I went out, -and leaving a card for him in his absence. - -When I went to dinner next day, and on the street door being -opened, plunged into a vapour-bath of haunch of mutton, I divined -that I was not the only guest, for I immediately identified the -ticket-porter in disguise, assisting the family servant, and -waiting at the foot of the stairs to carry up my name. He looked, -to the best of his ability, when he asked me for it confidentially, -as if he had never seen me before; but well did I know him, and -well did he know me. Conscience made cowards of us both. - -I found Mr. Waterbrook to be a middle-aged gentleman, with a short -throat, and a good deal of shirt-collar, who only wanted a black -nose to be the portrait of a pug-dog. He told me he was happy to -have the honour of making my acquaintance; and when I had paid my -homage to Mrs. Waterbrook, presented me, with much ceremony, to a -very awful lady in a black velvet dress, and a great black velvet -hat, whom I remember as looking like a near relation of Hamlet's - -say his aunt. - -Mrs. Henry Spiker was this lady's name; and her husband was there -too: so cold a man, that his head, instead of being grey, seemed to -be sprinkled with hoar-frost. Immense deference was shown to the -Henry Spikers, male and female; which Agnes told me was on account -of Mr. Henry Spiker being solicitor to something Or to Somebody, I -forget what or which, remotely connected with the Treasury. - -I found Uriah Heep among the company, in a suit of black, and in -deep humility. He told me, when I shook hands with him, that he -was proud to be noticed by me, and that he really felt obliged to -me for my condescension. I could have wished he had been less -obliged to me, for he hovered about me in his gratitude all the -rest of the evening; and whenever I said a word to Agnes, was sure, -with his shadowless eyes and cadaverous face, to be looking gauntly -down upon us from behind. - -There were other guests - all iced for the occasion, as it struck -me, like the wine. But there was one who attracted my attention -before he came in, on account of my hearing him announced as Mr. -Traddles! My mind flew back to Salem House; and could it be Tommy, -I thought, who used to draw the skeletons! - -I looked for Mr. Traddles with unusual interest. He was a sober, -steady-looking young man of retiring manners, with a comic head of -hair, and eyes that were rather wide open; and he got into an -obscure corner so soon, that I had some difficulty in making him -out. At length I had a good view of him, and either my vision -deceived me, or it was the old unfortunate Tommy. - -I made my way to Mr. Waterbrook, and said, that I believed I had -the pleasure of seeing an old schoolfellow there. - -'Indeed!' said Mr. Waterbrook, surprised. 'You are too young to -have been at school with Mr. Henry Spiker?' - -'Oh, I don't mean him!' I returned. 'I mean the gentleman named -Traddles.' - -'Oh! Aye, aye! Indeed!' said my host, with much diminished -interest. 'Possibly.' - -'If it's really the same person,' said I, glancing towards him, 'it -was at a place called Salem House where we were together, and he -was an excellent fellow.' - -'Oh yes. Traddles is a good fellow,' returned my host nodding his -head with an air of toleration. 'Traddles is quite a good fellow.' - -'It's a curious coincidence,' said I. - -'It is really,' returned my host, 'quite a coincidence, that -Traddles should be here at all: as Traddles was only invited this -morning, when the place at table, intended to be occupied by Mrs. -Henry Spiker's brother, became vacant, in consequence of his -indisposition. A very gentlemanly man, Mrs. Henry Spiker's -brother, Mr. Copperfield.' - -I murmured an assent, which was full of feeling, considering that -I knew nothing at all about him; and I inquired what Mr. Traddles -was by profession. - -'Traddles,' returned Mr. Waterbrook, 'is a young man reading for -the bar. Yes. He is quite a good fellow - nobody's enemy but his -own.' - -'Is he his own enemy?' said I, sorry to hear this. - -'Well,' returned Mr. Waterbrook, pursing up his mouth, and playing -with his watch-chain, in a comfortable, prosperous sort of way. 'I -should say he was one of those men who stand in their own light. -Yes, I should say he would never, for example, be worth five -hundred pound. Traddles was recommended to me by a professional -friend. Oh yes. Yes. He has a kind of talent for drawing briefs, -and stating a case in writing, plainly. I am able to throw -something in Traddles's way, in the course of the year; something -- for him - considerable. Oh yes. Yes.' - -I was much impressed by the extremely comfortable and satisfied -manner in which Mr. Waterbrook delivered himself of this little -word 'Yes', every now and then. There was wonderful expression in -it. It completely conveyed the idea of a man who had been born, -not to say with a silver spoon, but with a scaling-ladder, and had -gone on mounting all the heights of life one after another, until -now he looked, from the top of the fortifications, with the eye of -a philosopher and a patron, on the people down in the trenches. - -My reflections on this theme were still in progress when dinner was -announced. Mr. Waterbrook went down with Hamlet's aunt. Mr. Henry -Spiker took Mrs. Waterbrook. Agnes, whom I should have liked to -take myself, was given to a simpering fellow with weak legs. -Uriah, Traddles, and I, as the junior part of the company, went -down last, how we could. I was not so vexed at losing Agnes as I -might have been, since it gave me an opportunity of making myself -known to Traddles on the stairs, who greeted me with great fervour; -while Uriah writhed with such obtrusive satisfaction and -self-abasement, that I could gladly have pitched him over the -banisters. -Traddles and I were separated at table, being billeted in two -remote corners: he in the glare of a red velvet lady; I, in the -gloom of Hamlet's aunt. The dinner was very long, and the -conversation was about the Aristocracy - and Blood. Mrs. -Waterbrook repeatedly told us, that if she had a weakness, it was -Blood. - -It occurred to me several times that we should have got on better, -if we had not been quite so genteel. We were so exceedingly -genteel, that our scope was very limited. A Mr. and Mrs. Gulpidge -were of the party, who had something to do at second-hand (at -least, Mr. Gulpidge had) with the law business of the Bank; and -what with the Bank, and what with the Treasury, we were as -exclusive as the Court Circular. To mend the matter, Hamlet's aunt -had the family failing of indulging in soliloquy, and held forth in -a desultory manner, by herself, on every topic that was introduced. -These were few enough, to be sure; but as we always fell back upon -Blood, she had as wide a field for abstract speculation as her -nephew himself. - -We might have been a party of Ogres, the conversation assumed such -a sanguine complexion. - -'I confess I am of Mrs. Waterbrook's opinion,' said Mr. Waterbrook, -with his wine-glass at his eye. 'Other things are all very well in -their way, but give me Blood!' - -'Oh! There is nothing,' observed Hamlet's aunt, 'so satisfactory -to one! There is nothing that is so much one's beau-ideal of - of -all that sort of thing, speaking generally. There are some low -minds (not many, I am happy to believe, but there are some) that -would prefer to do what I should call bow down before idols. -Positively Idols! Before service, intellect, and so on. But these -are intangible points. Blood is not so. We see Blood in a nose, -and we know it. We meet with it in a chin, and we say, "There it -is! That's Blood!" It is an actual matter of fact. We point it -out. It admits of no doubt.' - -The simpering fellow with the weak legs, who had taken Agnes down, -stated the question more decisively yet, I thought. - -'Oh, you know, deuce take it,' said this gentleman, looking round -the board with an imbecile smile, 'we can't forego Blood, you know. -We must have Blood, you know. Some young fellows, you know, may be -a little behind their station, perhaps, in point of education and -behaviour, and may go a little wrong, you know, and get themselves -and other people into a variety of fixes - and all that - but deuce -take it, it's delightful to reflect that they've got Blood in 'em! -Myself, I'd rather at any time be knocked down by a man who had got -Blood in him, than I'd be picked up by a man who hadn't!' - -This sentiment, as compressing the general question into a -nutshell, gave the utmost satisfaction, and brought the gentleman -into great notice until the ladies retired. After that, I observed -that Mr. Gulpidge and Mr. Henry Spiker, who had hitherto been very -distant, entered into a defensive alliance against us, the common -enemy, and exchanged a mysterious dialogue across the table for our -defeat and overthrow. - -'That affair of the first bond for four thousand five hundred -pounds has not taken the course that was expected, Spiker,' said -Mr. Gulpidge. - -'Do you mean the D. of A.'s?' said Mr. Spiker. - -'The C. of B.'s!' said Mr. Gulpidge. - -Mr. Spiker raised his eyebrows, and looked much concerned. - -'When the question was referred to Lord - I needn't name him,' said -Mr. Gulpidge, checking himself - - -'I understand,' said Mr. Spiker, 'N.' - -Mr. Gulpidge darkly nodded - 'was referred to him, his answer was, -"Money, or no release."' - -'Lord bless my soul!' cried Mr. Spiker. - -"'Money, or no release,"' repeated Mr. Gulpidge, firmly. 'The next -in reversion - you understand me?' - -'K.,' said Mr. Spiker, with an ominous look. - -'- K. then positively refused to sign. He was attended at -Newmarket for that purpose, and he point-blank refused to do it.' - -Mr. Spiker was so interested, that he became quite stony. - -'So the matter rests at this hour,' said Mr. Gulpidge, throwing -himself back in his chair. 'Our friend Waterbrook will excuse me -if I forbear to explain myself generally, on account of the -magnitude of the interests involved.' - -Mr. Waterbrook was only too happy, as it appeared to me, to have -such interests, and such names, even hinted at, across his table. -He assumed an expression of gloomy intelligence (though I am -persuaded he knew no more about the discussion than I did), and -highly approved of the discretion that had been observed. Mr. -Spiker, after the receipt of such a confidence, naturally desired -to favour his friend with a confidence of his own; therefore the -foregoing dialogue was succeeded by another, in which it was Mr. -Gulpidge's turn to be surprised, and that by another in which the -surprise came round to Mr. Spiker's turn again, and so on, turn and -turn about. All this time we, the outsiders, remained oppressed by -the tremendous interests involved in the conversation; and our host -regarded us with pride, as the victims of a salutary awe and -astonishment. -I was very glad indeed to get upstairs to Agnes, and to talk with -her in a corner, and to introduce Traddles to her, who was shy, but -agreeable, and the same good-natured creature still. As he was -obliged to leave early, on account of going away next morning for -a month, I had not nearly so much conversation with him as I could -have wished; but we exchanged addresses, and promised ourselves the -pleasure of another meeting when he should come back to town. He -was greatly interested to hear that I knew Steerforth, and spoke of -him with such warmth that I made him tell Agnes what he thought of -him. But Agnes only looked at me the while, and very slightly -shook her head when only I observed her. - -As she was not among people with whom I believed she could be very -much at home, I was almost glad to hear that she was going away -within a few days, though I was sorry at the prospect of parting -from her again so soon. This caused me to remain until all the -company were gone. Conversing with her, and hearing her sing, was -such a delightful reminder to me of my happy life in the grave old -house she had made so beautiful, that I could have remained there -half the night; but, having no excuse for staying any longer, when -the lights of Mr. Waterbrook's society were all snuffed out, I took -my leave very much against my inclination. I felt then, more than -ever, that she was my better Angel; and if I thought of her sweet -face and placid smile, as though they had shone on me from some -removed being, like an Angel, I hope I thought no harm. - -I have said that the company were all gone; but I ought to have -excepted Uriah, whom I don't include in that denomination, and who -had never ceased to hover near us. He was close behind me when I -went downstairs. He was close beside me, when I walked away from -the house, slowly fitting his long skeleton fingers into the still -longer fingers of a great Guy Fawkes pair of gloves. - -It was in no disposition for Uriah's company, but in remembrance of -the entreaty Agnes had made to me, that I asked him if he would -come home to my rooms, and have some coffee. - -'Oh, really, Master Copperfield,' he rejoined - 'I beg your pardon, -Mister Copperfield, but the other comes so natural, I don't like -that you should put a constraint upon yourself to ask a numble -person like me to your ouse.' - -'There is no constraint in the case,' said I. 'Will you come?' - -'I should like to, very much,' replied Uriah, with a writhe. - -'Well, then, come along!' said I. - -I could not help being rather short with him, but he appeared not -to mind it. We went the nearest way, without conversing much upon -the road; and he was so humble in respect of those scarecrow -gloves, that he was still putting them on, and seemed to have made -no advance in that labour, when we got to my place. - -I led him up the dark stairs, to prevent his knocking his head -against anything, and really his damp cold hand felt so like a frog -in mine, that I was tempted to drop it and run away. Agnes and -hospitality prevailed, however, and I conducted him to my fireside. -When I lighted my candles, he fell into meek transports with the -room that was revealed to him; and when I heated the coffee in an -unassuming block-tin vessel in which Mrs. Crupp delighted to -prepare it (chiefly, I believe, because it was not intended for the -purpose, being a shaving-pot, and because there was a patent -invention of great price mouldering away in the pantry), he -professed so much emotion, that I could joyfully have scalded him. - -'Oh, really, Master Copperfield, - I mean Mister Copperfield,' said -Uriah, 'to see you waiting upon me is what I never could have -expected! But, one way and another, so many things happen to me -which I never could have expected, I am sure, in my umble station, -that it seems to rain blessings on my ed. You have heard -something, I des-say, of a change in my expectations, Master -Copperfield, - I should say, Mister Copperfield?' - -As he sat on my sofa, with his long knees drawn up under his -coffee-cup, his hat and gloves upon the ground close to him, his -spoon going softly round and round, his shadowless red eyes, which -looked as if they had scorched their lashes off, turned towards me -without looking at me, the disagreeable dints I have formerly -described in his nostrils coming and going with his breath, and a -snaky undulation pervading his frame from his chin to his boots, I -decided in my own mind that I disliked him intensely. It made me -very uncomfortable to have him for a guest, for I was young then, -and unused to disguise what I so strongly felt. - -'You have heard something, I des-say, of a change in my -expectations, Master Copperfield, - I should say, Mister -Copperfield?' observed Uriah. - -'Yes,' said I, 'something.' - -'Ah! I thought Miss Agnes would know of it!' he quietly returned. -'I'm glad to find Miss Agnes knows of it. Oh, thank you, Master - -Mister Copperfield!' - -I could have thrown my bootjack at him (it lay ready on the rug), -for having entrapped me into the disclosure of anything concerning -Agnes, however immaterial. But I only drank my coffee. - -'What a prophet you have shown yourself, Mister Copperfield!' -pursued Uriah. 'Dear me, what a prophet you have proved yourself -to be! Don't you remember saying to me once, that perhaps I should -be a partner in Mr. Wickfield's business, and perhaps it might be -Wickfield and Heep? You may not recollect it; but when a person is -umble, Master Copperfield, a person treasures such things up!' - -'I recollect talking about it,' said I, 'though I certainly did not -think it very likely then.' -'Oh! who would have thought it likely, Mister Copperfield!' -returned Uriah, enthusiastically. 'I am sure I didn't myself. I -recollect saying with my own lips that I was much too umble. So I -considered myself really and truly.' - -He sat, with that carved grin on his face, looking at the fire, as -I looked at him. - -'But the umblest persons, Master Copperfield,' he presently -resumed, 'may be the instruments of good. I am glad to think I -have been the instrument of good to Mr. Wickfield, and that I may -be more so. Oh what a worthy man he is, Mister Copperfield, but -how imprudent he has been!' - -'I am sorry to hear it,' said I. I could not help adding, rather -pointedly, 'on all accounts.' - -'Decidedly so, Mister Copperfield,' replied Uriah. 'On all -accounts. Miss Agnes's above all! You don't remember your own -eloquent expressions, Master Copperfield; but I remember how you -said one day that everybody must admire her, and how I thanked you -for it! You have forgot that, I have no doubt, Master -Copperfield?' - -'No,' said I, drily. - -'Oh how glad I am you have not!' exclaimed Uriah. 'To think that -you should be the first to kindle the sparks of ambition in my -umble breast, and that you've not forgot it! Oh! - Would you -excuse me asking for a cup more coffee?' - -Something in the emphasis he laid upon the kindling of those -sparks, and something in the glance he directed at me as he said -it, had made me start as if I had seen him illuminated by a blaze -of light. Recalled by his request, preferred in quite another tone -of voice, I did the honours of the shaving-pot; but I did them with -an unsteadiness of hand, a sudden sense of being no match for him, -and a perplexed suspicious anxiety as to what he might be going to -say next, which I felt could not escape his observation. - -He said nothing at all. He stirred his coffee round and round, he -sipped it, he felt his chin softly with his grisly hand, he looked -at the fire, he looked about the room, he gasped rather than smiled -at me, he writhed and undulated about, in his deferential -servility, he stirred and sipped again, but he left the renewal of -the conversation to me. - -'So, Mr. Wickfield,' said I, at last, 'who is worth five hundred of -you - or me'; for my life, I think, I could not have helped -dividing that part of the sentence with an awkward jerk; 'has been -imprudent, has he, Mr. Heep?' - -'Oh, very imprudent indeed, Master Copperfield,' returned Uriah, -sighing modestly. 'Oh, very much so! But I wish you'd call me -Uriah, if you please. It's like old times.' - -'Well! Uriah,' said I, bolting it out with some difficulty. - -'Thank you,' he returned, with fervour. 'Thank you, Master -Copperfield! It's like the blowing of old breezes or the ringing -of old bellses to hear YOU say Uriah. I beg your pardon. Was I -making any observation?' - -'About Mr. Wickfield,' I suggested. - -'Oh! Yes, truly,' said Uriah. 'Ah! Great imprudence, Master -Copperfield. It's a topic that I wouldn't touch upon, to any soul -but you. Even to you I can only touch upon it, and no more. If -anyone else had been in my place during the last few years, by this -time he would have had Mr. Wickfield (oh, what a worthy man he is, -Master Copperfield, too!) under his thumb. Un--der--his thumb,' -said Uriah, very slowly, as he stretched out his cruel-looking hand -above my table, and pressed his own thumb upon it, until it shook, -and shook the room. - -If I had been obliged to look at him with him splay foot on Mr. -Wickfield's head, I think I could scarcely have hated him more. - -'Oh, dear, yes, Master Copperfield,' he proceeded, in a soft voice, -most remarkably contrasting with the action of his thumb, which did -not diminish its hard pressure in the least degree, 'there's no -doubt of it. There would have been loss, disgrace, I don't know -what at all. Mr. Wickfield knows it. I am the umble instrument of -umbly serving him, and he puts me on an eminence I hardly could -have hoped to reach. How thankful should I be!' With his face -turned towards me, as he finished, but without looking at me, he -took his crooked thumb off the spot where he had planted it, and -slowly and thoughtfully scraped his lank jaw with it, as if he were -shaving himself. - -I recollect well how indignantly my heart beat, as I saw his crafty -face, with the appropriately red light of the fire upon it, -preparing for something else. - -'Master Copperfield,' he began - 'but am I keeping you up?' - -'You are not keeping me up. I generally go to bed late.' - -'Thank you, Master Copperfield! I have risen from my umble station -since first you used to address me, it is true; but I am umble -still. I hope I never shall be otherwise than umble. You will not -think the worse of my umbleness, if I make a little confidence to -you, Master Copperfield? Will you?' - -'Oh no,' said I, with an effort. - -'Thank you!' He took out his pocket-handkerchief, and began wiping -the palms of his hands. 'Miss Agnes, Master Copperfield -' -'Well, Uriah?' - -'Oh, how pleasant to be called Uriah, spontaneously!' he cried; and -gave himself a jerk, like a convulsive fish. 'You thought her -looking very beautiful tonight, Master Copperfield?' - -'I thought her looking as she always does: superior, in all -respects, to everyone around her,' I returned. - -'Oh, thank you! It's so true!' he cried. 'Oh, thank you very much -for that!' - -'Not at all,' I said, loftily. 'There is no reason why you should -thank me.' - -'Why that, Master Copperfield,' said Uriah, 'is, in fact, the -confidence that I am going to take the liberty of reposing. Umble -as I am,' he wiped his hands harder, and looked at them and at the -fire by turns, 'umble as my mother is, and lowly as our poor but -honest roof has ever been, the image of Miss Agnes (I don't mind -trusting you with my secret, Master Copperfield, for I have always -overflowed towards you since the first moment I had the pleasure of -beholding you in a pony-shay) has been in my breast for years. Oh, -Master Copperfield, with what a pure affection do I love the ground -my Agnes walks on!' - -I believe I had a delirious idea of seizing the red-hot poker out -of the fire, and running him through with it. It went from me with -a shock, like a ball fired from a rifle: but the image of Agnes, -outraged by so much as a thought of this red-headed animal's, -remained in my mind when I looked at him, sitting all awry as if -his mean soul griped his body, and made me giddy. He seemed to -swell and grow before my eyes; the room seemed full of the echoes -of his voice; and the strange feeling (to which, perhaps, no one is -quite a stranger) that all this had occurred before, at some -indefinite time, and that I knew what he was going to say next, -took possession of me. - -A timely observation of the sense of power that there was in his -face, did more to bring back to my remembrance the entreaty of -Agnes, in its full force, than any effort I could have made. I -asked him, with a better appearance of composure than I could have -thought possible a minute before, whether he had made his feelings -known to Agnes. - -'Oh no, Master Copperfield!' he returned; 'oh dear, no! Not to -anyone but you. You see I am only just emerging from my lowly -station. I rest a good deal of hope on her observing how useful I -am to her father (for I trust to be very useful to him indeed, -Master Copperfield), and how I smooth the way for him, and keep him -straight. She's so much attached to her father, Master Copperfield -(oh, what a lovely thing it is in a daughter!), that I think she -may come, on his account, to be kind to me.' - -I fathomed the depth of the rascal's whole scheme, and understood -why he laid it bare. - -'If you'll have the goodness to keep my secret, Master -Copperfield,' he pursued, 'and not, in general, to go against me, -I shall take it as a particular favour. You wouldn't wish to make -unpleasantness. I know what a friendly heart you've got; but -having only known me on my umble footing (on my umblest I should -say, for I am very umble still), you might, unbeknown, go against -me rather, with my Agnes. I call her mine, you see, Master -Copperfield. There's a song that says, "I'd crowns resign, to call -her mine!" I hope to do it, one of these days.' - -Dear Agnes! So much too loving and too good for anyone that I -could think of, was it possible that she was reserved to be the -wife of such a wretch as this! - -'There's no hurry at present, you know, Master Copperfield,' Uriah -proceeded, in his slimy way, as I sat gazing at him, with this -thought in my mind. 'My Agnes is very young still; and mother and -me will have to work our way upwards, and make a good many new -arrangements, before it would be quite convenient. So I shall have -time gradually to make her familiar with my hopes, as opportunities -offer. Oh, I'm so much obliged to you for this confidence! Oh, -it's such a relief, you can't think, to know that you understand -our situation, and are certain (as you wouldn't wish to make -unpleasantness in the family) not to go against me!' - -He took the hand which I dared not withhold, and having given it a -damp squeeze, referred to his pale-faced watch. - -'Dear me!' he said, 'it's past one. The moments slip away so, in -the confidence of old times, Master Copperfield, that it's almost -half past one!' - -I answered that I had thought it was later. Not that I had really -thought so, but because my conversational powers were effectually -scattered. - -'Dear me!' he said, considering. 'The ouse that I am stopping at -- a sort of a private hotel and boarding ouse, Master Copperfield, -near the New River ed - will have gone to bed these two hours.' - -'I am sorry,' I returned, 'that there is only one bed here, and -that I -' - -'Oh, don't think of mentioning beds, Master Copperfield!' he -rejoined ecstatically, drawing up one leg. 'But would you have any -objections to my laying down before the fire?' - -'If it comes to that,' I said, 'pray take my bed, and I'll lie down -before the fire.' - -His repudiation of this offer was almost shrill enough, in the -excess of its surprise and humility, to have penetrated to the ears -of Mrs. Crupp, then sleeping, I suppose, in a distant chamber, -situated at about the level of low-water mark, soothed in her -slumbers by the ticking of an incorrigible clock, to which she -always referred me when we had any little difference on the score -of punctuality, and which was never less than three-quarters of an -hour too slow, and had always been put right in the morning by the -best authorities. As no arguments I could urge, in my bewildered -condition, had the least effect upon his modesty in inducing him to -accept my bedroom, I was obliged to make the best arrangements I -could, for his repose before the fire. The mattress of the sofa -(which was a great deal too short for his lank figure), the sofa -pillows, a blanket, the table-cover, a clean breakfast-cloth, and -a great-coat, made him a bed and covering, for which he was more -than thankful. Having lent him a night-cap, which he put on at -once, and in which he made such an awful figure, that I have never -worn one since, I left him to his rest. - -I never shall forget that night. I never shall forget how I turned -and tumbled; how I wearied myself with thinking about Agnes and -this creature; how I considered what could I do, and what ought I -to do; how I could come to no other conclusion than that the best -course for her peace was to do nothing, and to keep to myself what -I had heard. If I went to sleep for a few moments, the image of -Agnes with her tender eyes, and of her father looking fondly on -her, as I had so often seen him look, arose before me with -appealing faces, and filled me with vague terrors. When I awoke, -the recollection that Uriah was lying in the next room, sat heavy -on me like a waking nightmare; and oppressed me with a leaden -dread, as if I had had some meaner quality of devil for a lodger. - -The poker got into my dozing thoughts besides, and wouldn't come -out. I thought, between sleeping and waking, that it was still red -hot, and I had snatched it out of the fire, and run him through the -body. I was so haunted at last by the idea, though I knew there -was nothing in it, that I stole into the next room to look at him. -There I saw him, lying on his back, with his legs extending to I -don't know where, gurglings taking place in his throat, stoppages -in his nose, and his mouth open like a post-office. He was so much -worse in reality than in my distempered fancy, that afterwards I -was attracted to him in very repulsion, and could not help -wandering in and out every half-hour or so, and taking another look -at him. Still, the long, long night seemed heavy and hopeless as -ever, and no promise of day was in the murky sky. - -When I saw him going downstairs early in the morning (for, thank -Heaven! he would not stay to breakfast), it appeared to me as if -the night was going away in his person. When I went out to the -Commons, I charged Mrs. Crupp with particular directions to leave -the windows open, that my sitting-room might be aired, and purged -of his presence. - - - -CHAPTER 26 -I FALL INTO CAPTIVITY - - -I saw no more of Uriah Heep, until the day when Agnes left town. -I was at the coach office to take leave of her and see her go; and -there was he, returning to Canterbury by the same conveyance. It -was some small satisfaction to me to observe his spare, -short-waisted, high-shouldered, mulberry-coloured great-coat -perched up, in company with an umbrella like a small tent, on the -edge of the back seat on the roof, while Agnes was, of course, -inside; but what I underwent in my efforts to be friendly with him, -while Agnes looked on, perhaps deserved that little recompense. At -the coach window, as at the dinner-party, he hovered about us -without a moment's intermission, like a great vulture: gorging -himself on every syllable that I said to Agnes, or Agnes said to -me. - -In the state of trouble into which his disclosure by my fire had -thrown me, I had thought very much of the words Agnes had used in -reference to the partnership. 'I did what I hope was right. -Feeling sure that it was necessary for papa's peace that the -sacrifice should be made, I entreated him to make it.' A miserable -foreboding that she would yield to, and sustain herself by, the -same feeling in reference to any sacrifice for his sake, had -oppressed me ever since. I knew how she loved him. I knew what -the devotion of her nature was. I knew from her own lips that she -regarded herself as the innocent cause of his errors, and as owing -him a great debt she ardently desired to pay. I had no consolation -in seeing how different she was from this detestable Rufus with the -mulberry-coloured great-coat, for I felt that in the very -difference between them, in the self-denial of her pure soul and -the sordid baseness of his, the greatest danger lay. All this, -doubtless, he knew thoroughly, and had, in his cunning, considered -well. - -Yet I was so certain that the prospect of such a sacrifice afar -off, must destroy the happiness of Agnes; and I was so sure, from -her manner, of its being unseen by her then, and having cast no -shadow on her yet; that I could as soon have injured her, as given -her any warning of what impended. Thus it was that we parted -without explanation: she waving her hand and smiling farewell from -the coach window; her evil genius writhing on the roof, as if he -had her in his clutches and triumphed. - -I could not get over this farewell glimpse of them for a long time. -When Agnes wrote to tell me of her safe arrival, I was as miserable -as when I saw her going away. Whenever I fell into a thoughtful -state, this subject was sure to present itself, and all my -uneasiness was sure to be redoubled. Hardly a night passed without -my dreaming of it. It became a part of my life, and as inseparable -from my life as my own head. - -I had ample leisure to refine upon my uneasiness: for Steerforth -was at Oxford, as he wrote to me, and when I was not at the -Commons, I was very much alone. I believe I had at this time some -lurking distrust of Steerforth. I wrote to him most affectionately -in reply to his, but I think I was glad, upon the whole, that he -could not come to London just then. I suspect the truth to be, -that the influence of Agnes was upon me, undisturbed by the sight -of him; and that it was the more powerful with me, because she had -so large a share in my thoughts and interest. - -In the meantime, days and weeks slipped away. I was articled to -Spenlow and Jorkins. I had ninety pounds a year (exclusive of my -house-rent and sundry collateral matters) from my aunt. My rooms -were engaged for twelve months certain: and though I still found -them dreary of an evening, and the evenings long, I could settle -down into a state of equable low spirits, and resign myself to -coffee; which I seem, on looking back, to have taken by the gallon -at about this period of my existence. At about this time, too, I -made three discoveries: first, that Mrs. Crupp was a martyr to a -curious disorder called 'the spazzums', which was generally -accompanied with inflammation of the nose, and required to be -constantly treated with peppermint; secondly, that something -peculiar in the temperature of my pantry, made the brandy-bottles -burst; thirdly, that I was alone in the world, and much given to -record that circumstance in fragments of English versification. - -On the day when I was articled, no festivity took place, beyond my -having sandwiches and sherry into the office for the clerks, and -going alone to the theatre at night. I went to see The Stranger, -as a Doctors' Commons sort of play, and was so dreadfully cut up, -that I hardly knew myself in my own glass when I got home. Mr. -Spenlow remarked, on this occasion, when we concluded our business, -that he should have been happy to have seen me at his house at -Norwood to celebrate our becoming connected, but for his domestic -arrangements being in some disorder, on account of the expected -return of his daughter from finishing her education at Paris. But, -he intimated that when she came home he should hope to have the -pleasure of entertaining me. I knew that he was a widower with one -daughter, and expressed my acknowledgements. - -Mr. Spenlow was as good as his word. In a week or two, he referred -to this engagement, and said, that if I would do him the favour to -come down next Saturday, and stay till Monday, he would be -extremely happy. Of course I said I would do him the favour; and -he was to drive me down in his phaeton, and to bring me back. - -When the day arrived, my very carpet-bag was an object of -veneration to the stipendiary clerks, to whom the house at Norwood -was a sacred mystery. One of them informed me that he had heard -that Mr. Spenlow ate entirely off plate and china; and another -hinted at champagne being constantly on draught, after the usual -custom of table-beer. The old clerk with the wig, whose name was -Mr. Tiffey, had been down on business several times in the course -of his career, and had on each occasion penetrated to the -breakfast-parlour. He described it as an apartment of the most -sumptuous nature, and said that he had drunk brown East India -sherry there, of a quality so precious as to make a man wink. We -had an adjourned cause in the Consistory that day - about -excommunicating a baker who had been objecting in a vestry to a -paving-rate - and as the evidence was just twice the length of -Robinson Crusoe, according to a calculation I made, it was rather -late in the day before we finished. However, we got him -excommunicated for six weeks, and sentenced in no end of costs; and -then the baker's proctor, and the judge, and the advocates on both -sides (who were all nearly related), went out of town together, and -Mr. Spenlow and I drove away in the phaeton. - -The phaeton was a very handsome affair; the horses arched their -necks and lifted up their legs as if they knew they belonged to -Doctors' Commons. There was a good deal of competition in the -Commons on all points of display, and it turned out some very -choice equipages then; though I always have considered, and always -shall consider, that in my time the great article of competition -there was starch: which I think was worn among the proctors to as -great an extent as it is in the nature of man to bear. - -We were very pleasant, going down, and Mr. Spenlow gave me some -hints in reference to my profession. He said it was the genteelest -profession in the world, and must on no account be confounded with -the profession of a solicitor: being quite another sort of thing, -infinitely more exclusive, less mechanical, and more profitable. -We took things much more easily in the Commons than they could be -taken anywhere else, he observed, and that set us, as a privileged -class, apart. He said it was impossible to conceal the -disagreeable fact, that we were chiefly employed by solicitors; but -he gave me to understand that they were an inferior race of men, -universally looked down upon by all proctors of any pretensions. - -I asked Mr. Spenlow what he considered the best sort of -professional business? He replied, that a good case of a disputed -will, where there was a neat little estate of thirty or forty -thousand pounds, was, perhaps, the best of all. In such a case, he -said, not only were there very pretty pickings, in the way of -arguments at every stage of the proceedings, and mountains upon -mountains of evidence on interrogatory and counter-interrogatory -(to say nothing of an appeal lying, first to the Delegates, and -then to the Lords), but, the costs being pretty sure to come out of -the estate at last, both sides went at it in a lively and spirited -manner, and expense was no consideration. Then, he launched into -a general eulogium on the Commons. What was to be particularly -admired (he said) in the Commons, was its compactness. It was the -most conveniently organized place in the world. It was the -complete idea of snugness. It lay in a nutshell. For example: You -brought a divorce case, or a restitution case, into the Consistory. -Very good. You tried it in the Consistory. You made a quiet -little round game of it, among a family group, and you played it -out at leisure. Suppose you were not satisfied with the -Consistory, what did you do then? Why, you went into the Arches. -What was the Arches? The same court, in the same room, with the -same bar, and the same practitioners, but another judge, for there -the Consistory judge could plead any court-day as an advocate. -Well, you played your round game out again. Still you were not -satisfied. Very good. What did you do then? Why, you went to the -Delegates. Who were the Delegates? Why, the Ecclesiastical -Delegates were the advocates without any business, who had looked -on at the round game when it was playing in both courts, and had -seen the cards shuffled, and cut, and played, and had talked to all -the players about it, and now came fresh, as judges, to settle the -matter to the satisfaction of everybody! Discontented people might -talk of corruption in the Commons, closeness in the Commons, and -the necessity of reforming the Commons, said Mr. Spenlow solemnly, -in conclusion; but when the price of wheat per bushel had been -highest, the Commons had been busiest; and a man might lay his hand -upon his heart, and say this to the whole world, - 'Touch the -Commons, and down comes the country!' - -I listened to all this with attention; and though, I must say, I -had my doubts whether the country was quite as much obliged to the -Commons as Mr. Spenlow made out, I respectfully deferred to his -opinion. That about the price of wheat per bushel, I modestly felt -was too much for my strength, and quite settled the question. I -have never, to this hour, got the better of that bushel of wheat. -It has reappeared to annihilate me, all through my life, in -connexion with all kinds of subjects. I don't know now, exactly, -what it has to do with me, or what right it has to crush me, on an -infinite variety of occasions; but whenever I see my old friend the -bushel brought in by the head and shoulders (as he always is, I -observe), I give up a subject for lost. - -This is a digression. I was not the man to touch the Commons, and -bring down the country. I submissively expressed, by my silence, -my acquiescence in all I had heard from my superior in years and -knowledge; and we talked about The Stranger and the Drama, and the -pairs of horses, until we came to Mr. Spenlow's gate. - -There was a lovely garden to Mr. Spenlow's house; and though that -was not the best time of the year for seeing a garden, it was so -beautifully kept, that I was quite enchanted. There was a charming -lawn, there were clusters of trees, and there were perspective -walks that I could just distinguish in the dark, arched over with -trellis-work, on which shrubs and flowers grew in the growing -season. 'Here Miss Spenlow walks by herself,' I thought. 'Dear -me!' - -We went into the house, which was cheerfully lighted up, and into -a hall where there were all sorts of hats, caps, great-coats, -plaids, gloves, whips, and walking-sticks. 'Where is Miss Dora?' -said Mr. Spenlow to the servant. 'Dora!' I thought. 'What a -beautiful name!' - -We turned into a room near at hand (I think it was the identical -breakfast-room, made memorable by the brown East Indian sherry), -and I heard a voice say, 'Mr. Copperfield, my daughter Dora, and my -daughter Dora's confidential friend!' It was, no doubt, Mr. -Spenlow's voice, but I didn't know it, and I didn't care whose it -was. All was over in a moment. I had fulfilled my destiny. I was -a captive and a slave. I loved Dora Spenlow to distraction! - -She was more than human to me. She was a Fairy, a Sylph, I don't -know what she was - anything that no one ever saw, and everything -that everybody ever wanted. I was swallowed up in an abyss of love -in an instant. There was no pausing on the brink; no looking down, -or looking back; I was gone, headlong, before I had sense to say a -word to her. - -'I,' observed a well-remembered voice, when I had bowed and -murmured something, 'have seen Mr. Copperfield before.' - -The speaker was not Dora. No; the confidential friend, Miss -Murdstone! - -I don't think I was much astonished. To the best of my judgement, -no capacity of astonishment was left in me. There was nothing -worth mentioning in the material world, but Dora Spenlow, to be -astonished about. I said, 'How do you do, Miss Murdstone? I hope -you are well.' She answered, 'Very well.' I said, 'How is Mr. -Murdstone?' She replied, 'My brother is robust, I am obliged to -you.' - -Mr. Spenlow, who, I suppose, had been surprised to see us recognize -each other, then put in his word. - -'I am glad to find,' he said, 'Copperfield, that you and Miss -Murdstone are already acquainted.' - -'Mr. Copperfield and myself,' said Miss Murdstone, with severe -composure, 'are connexions. We were once slightly acquainted. It -was in his childish days. Circumstances have separated us since. -I should not have known him.' - -I replied that I should have known her, anywhere. Which was true -enough. - -'Miss Murdstone has had the goodness,' said Mr. Spenlow to me, 'to -accept the office - if I may so describe it - of my daughter Dora's -confidential friend. My daughter Dora having, unhappily, no -mother, Miss Murdstone is obliging enough to become her companion -and protector.' - -A passing thought occurred to me that Miss Murdstone, like the -pocket instrument called a life-preserver, was not so much designed -for purposes of protection as of assault. But as I had none but -passing thoughts for any subject save Dora, I glanced at her, -directly afterwards, and was thinking that I saw, in her prettily -pettish manner, that she was not very much inclined to be -particularly confidential to her companion and protector, when a -bell rang, which Mr. Spenlow said was the first dinner-bell, and so -carried me off to dress. - -The idea of dressing one's self, or doing anything in the way of -action, in that state of love, was a little too ridiculous. I -could only sit down before my fire, biting the key of my -carpet-bag, and think of the captivating, girlish, bright-eyed -lovely Dora. What a form she had, what a face she had, what a -graceful, variable, enchanting manner! - -The bell rang again so soon that I made a mere scramble of my -dressing, instead of the careful operation I could have wished -under the circumstances, and went downstairs. There was some -company. Dora was talking to an old gentleman with a grey head. -Grey as he was - and a great-grandfather into the bargain, for he -said so - I was madly jealous of him. - -What a state of mind I was in! I was jealous of everybody. I -couldn't bear the idea of anybody knowing Mr. Spenlow better than -I did. It was torturing to me to hear them talk of occurrences in -which I had had no share. When a most amiable person, with a -highly polished bald head, asked me across the dinner table, if -that were the first occasion of my seeing the grounds, I could have -done anything to him that was savage and revengeful. - -I don't remember who was there, except Dora. I have not the least -idea what we had for dinner, besides Dora. My impression is, that -I dined off Dora, entirely, and sent away half-a-dozen plates -untouched. I sat next to her. I talked to her. She had the most -delightful little voice, the gayest little laugh, the pleasantest -and most fascinating little ways, that ever led a lost youth into -hopeless slavery. She was rather diminutive altogether. So much -the more precious, I thought. - -When she went out of the room with Miss Murdstone (no other ladies -were of the party), I fell into a reverie, only disturbed by the -cruel apprehension that Miss Murdstone would disparage me to her. -The amiable creature with the polished head told me a long story, -which I think was about gardening. I think I heard him say, 'my -gardener', several times. I seemed to pay the deepest attention to -him, but I was wandering in a garden of Eden all the while, with -Dora. - -My apprehensions of being disparaged to the object of my engrossing -affection were revived when we went into the drawing-room, by the -grim and distant aspect of Miss Murdstone. But I was relieved of -them in an unexpected manner. - -'David Copperfield,' said Miss Murdstone, beckoning me aside into -a window. 'A word.' - -I confronted Miss Murdstone alone. - -'David Copperfield,' said Miss Murdstone, 'I need not enlarge upon -family circumstances. They are not a tempting subject.' -'Far from it, ma'am,' I returned. - -'Far from it,' assented Miss Murdstone. 'I do not wish to revive -the memory of past differences, or of past outrages. I have -received outrages from a person - a female I am sorry to say, for -the credit of my sex - who is not to be mentioned without scorn and -disgust; and therefore I would rather not mention her.' - -I felt very fiery on my aunt's account; but I said it would -certainly be better, if Miss Murdstone pleased, not to mention her. -I could not hear her disrespectfully mentioned, I added, without -expressing my opinion in a decided tone. - -Miss Murdstone shut her eyes, and disdainfully inclined her head; -then, slowly opening her eyes, resumed: - -'David Copperfield, I shall not attempt to disguise the fact, that -I formed an unfavourable opinion of you in your childhood. It may -have been a mistaken one, or you may have ceased to justify it. -That is not in question between us now. I belong to a family -remarkable, I believe, for some firmness; and I am not the creature -of circumstance or change. I may have my opinion of you. You may -have your opinion of me.' - -I inclined my head, in my turn. - -'But it is not necessary,' said Miss Murdstone, 'that these -opinions should come into collision here. Under existing -circumstances, it is as well on all accounts that they should not. -As the chances of life have brought us together again, and may -bring us together on other occasions, I would say, let us meet here -as distant acquaintances. Family circumstances are a sufficient -reason for our only meeting on that footing, and it is quite -unnecessary that either of us should make the other the subject of -remark. Do you approve of this?' - -'Miss Murdstone,' I returned, 'I think you and Mr. Murdstone used -me very cruelly, and treated my mother with great unkindness. I -shall always think so, as long as I live. But I quite agree in -what you propose.' - -Miss Murdstone shut her eyes again, and bent her head. Then, just -touching the back of my hand with the tips of her cold, stiff -fingers, she walked away, arranging the little fetters on her -wrists and round her neck; which seemed to be the same set, in -exactly the same state, as when I had seen her last. These -reminded me, in reference to Miss Murdstone's nature, of the -fetters over a jail door; suggesting on the outside, to all -beholders, what was to be expected within. - -All I know of the rest of the evening is, that I heard the empress -of my heart sing enchanted ballads in the French language, -generally to the effect that, whatever was the matter, we ought -always to dance, Ta ra la, Ta ra la! accompanying herself on a -glorified instrument, resembling a guitar. That I was lost in -blissful delirium. That I refused refreshment. That my soul -recoiled from punch particularly. That when Miss Murdstone took -her into custody and led her away, she smiled and gave me her -delicious hand. That I caught a view of myself in a mirror, -looking perfectly imbecile and idiotic. That I retired to bed in -a most maudlin state of mind, and got up in a crisis of feeble -infatuation. - -It was a fine morning, and early, and I thought I would go and take -a stroll down one of those wire-arched walks, and indulge my -passion by dwelling on her image. On my way through the hall, I -encountered her little dog, who was called Jip - short for Gipsy. -I approached him tenderly, for I loved even him; but he showed his -whole set of teeth, got under a chair expressly to snarl, and -wouldn't hear of the least familiarity. - -The garden was cool and solitary. I walked about, wondering what -my feelings of happiness would be, if I could ever become engaged -to this dear wonder. As to marriage, and fortune, and all that, I -believe I was almost as innocently undesigning then, as when I -loved little Em'ly. To be allowed to call her 'Dora', to write to -her, to dote upon and worship her, to have reason to think that -when she was with other people she was yet mindful of me, seemed to -me the summit of human ambition - I am sure it was the summit of -mine. There is no doubt whatever that I was a lackadaisical young -spooney; but there was a purity of heart in all this, that prevents -my having quite a contemptuous recollection of it, let me laugh as -I may. - -I had not been walking long, when I turned a corner, and met her. -I tingle again from head to foot as my recollection turns that -corner, and my pen shakes in my hand. - -'You - are - out early, Miss Spenlow,' said I. - -'It's so stupid at home,' she replied, 'and Miss Murdstone is so -absurd! She talks such nonsense about its being necessary for the -day to be aired, before I come out. Aired!' (She laughed, here, in -the most melodious manner.) 'On a Sunday morning, when I don't -practise, I must do something. So I told papa last night I must -come out. Besides, it's the brightest time of the whole day. -Don't you think so?' - -I hazarded a bold flight, and said (not without stammering) that it -was very bright to me then, though it had been very dark to me a -minute before. - -'Do you mean a compliment?' said Dora, 'or that the weather has -really changed?' - -I stammered worse than before, in replying that I meant no -compliment, but the plain truth; though I was not aware of any -change having taken place in the weather. It was in the state of -my own feelings, I added bashfully: to clench the explanation. - -I never saw such curls - how could I, for there never were such -curls! - as those she shook out to hide her blushes. As to the -straw hat and blue ribbons which was on the top of the curls, if I -could only have hung it up in my room in Buckingham Street, what a -priceless possession it would have been! - -'You have just come home from Paris,' said I. - -'Yes,' said she. 'Have you ever been there?' - -'No.' - -'Oh! I hope you'll go soon! You would like it so much!' - -Traces of deep-seated anguish appeared in my countenance. That she -should hope I would go, that she should think it possible I could -go, was insupportable. I depreciated Paris; I depreciated France. -I said I wouldn't leave England, under existing circumstances, for -any earthly consideration. Nothing should induce me. In short, -she was shaking the curls again, when the little dog came running -along the walk to our relief. - -He was mortally jealous of me, and persisted in barking at me. She -took him up in her arms - oh my goodness! - and caressed him, but -he persisted upon barking still. He wouldn't let me touch him, -when I tried; and then she beat him. It increased my sufferings -greatly to see the pats she gave him for punishment on the bridge -of his blunt nose, while he winked his eyes, and licked her hand, -and still growled within himself like a little double-bass. At -length he was quiet - well he might be with her dimpled chin upon -his head! - and we walked away to look at a greenhouse. - -'You are not very intimate with Miss Murdstone, are you?' said -Dora. -'My pet.' - -(The two last words were to the dog. Oh, if they had only been to -me!) - -'No,' I replied. 'Not at all so.' - -'She is a tiresome creature,' said Dora, pouting. 'I can't think -what papa can have been about, when he chose such a vexatious thing -to be my companion. Who wants a protector? I am sure I don't want -a protector. Jip can protect me a great deal better than Miss -Murdstone, - can't you, Jip, dear?' - -He only winked lazily, when she kissed his ball of a head. - -'Papa calls her my confidential friend, but I am sure she is no -such thing - is she, Jip? We are not going to confide in any such -cross people, Jip and I. We mean to bestow our confidence where we -like, and to find out our own friends, instead of having them found -out for us - don't we, Jip?' - -Jip made a comfortable noise, in answer, a little like a tea-kettle -when it sings. As for me, every word was a new heap of fetters, -riveted above the last. - -'It is very hard, because we have not a kind Mama, that we are to -have, instead, a sulky, gloomy old thing like Miss Murdstone, -always following us about - isn't it, Jip? Never mind, Jip. We -won't be confidential, and we'll make ourselves as happy as we can -in spite of her, and we'll tease her, and not please her - won't -we, Jip?' - -If it had lasted any longer, I think I must have gone down on my -knees on the gravel, with the probability before me of grazing -them, and of being presently ejected from the premises besides. -But, by good fortune the greenhouse was not far off, and these -words brought us to it. - -It contained quite a show of beautiful geraniums. We loitered -along in front of them, and Dora often stopped to admire this one -or that one, and I stopped to admire the same one, and Dora, -laughing, held the dog up childishly, to smell the flowers; and if -we were not all three in Fairyland, certainly I was. The scent of -a geranium leaf, at this day, strikes me with a half comical half -serious wonder as to what change has come over me in a moment; and -then I see a straw hat and blue ribbons, and a quantity of curls, -and a little black dog being held up, in two slender arms, against -a bank of blossoms and bright leaves. - -Miss Murdstone had been looking for us. She found us here; and -presented her uncongenial cheek, the little wrinkles in it filled -with hair powder, to Dora to be kissed. Then she took Dora's arm -in hers, and marched us into breakfast as if it were a soldier's -funeral. - -How many cups of tea I drank, because Dora made it, I don't know. -But, I perfectly remember that I sat swilling tea until my whole -nervous system, if I had had any in those days, must have gone by -the board. By and by we went to church. Miss Murdstone was -between Dora and me in the pew; but I heard her sing, and the -congregation vanished. A sermon was delivered - about Dora, of -course - and I am afraid that is all I know of the service. - -We had a quiet day. No company, a walk, a family dinner of four, -and an evening of looking over books and pictures; Miss Murdstone -with a homily before her, and her eye upon us, keeping guard -vigilantly. Ah! little did Mr. Spenlow imagine, when he sat -opposite to me after dinner that day, with his pocket-handkerchief -over his head, how fervently I was embracing him, in my fancy, as -his son-in-law! Little did he think, when I took leave of him at -night, that he had just given his full consent to my being engaged -to Dora, and that I was invoking blessings on his head! - -We departed early in the morning, for we had a Salvage case coming -on in the Admiralty Court, requiring a rather accurate knowledge of -the whole science of navigation, in which (as we couldn't be -expected to know much about those matters in the Commons) the judge -had entreated two old Trinity Masters, for charity's sake, to come -and help him out. Dora was at the breakfast-table to make the tea -again, however; and I had the melancholy pleasure of taking off my -hat to her in the phaeton, as she stood on the door-step with Jip -in her arms. - -What the Admiralty was to me that day; what nonsense I made of our -case in my mind, as I listened to it; how I saw 'DORA' engraved -upon the blade of the silver oar which they lay upon the table, as -the emblem of that high jurisdiction; and how I felt when Mr. -Spenlow went home without me (I had had an insane hope that he -might take me back again), as if I were a mariner myself, and the -ship to which I belonged had sailed away and left me on a desert -island; I shall make no fruitless effort to describe. If that -sleepy old court could rouse itself, and present in any visible -form the daydreams I have had in it about Dora, it would reveal my -truth. - -I don't mean the dreams that I dreamed on that day alone, but day -after day, from week to week, and term to term. I went there, not -to attend to what was going on, but to think about Dora. If ever -I bestowed a thought upon the cases, as they dragged their slow -length before me, it was only to wonder, in the matrimonial cases -(remembering Dora), how it was that married people could ever be -otherwise than happy; and, in the Prerogative cases, to consider, -if the money in question had been left to me, what were the -foremost steps I should immediately have taken in regard to Dora. -Within the first week of my passion, I bought four sumptuous -waistcoats - not for myself; I had no pride in them; for Dora - and -took to wearing straw-coloured kid gloves in the streets, and laid -the foundations of all the corns I have ever had. If the boots I -wore at that period could only be produced and compared with the -natural size of my feet, they would show what the state of my heart -was, in a most affecting manner. - -And yet, wretched cripple as I made myself by this act of homage to -Dora, I walked miles upon miles daily in the hope of seeing her. -Not only was I soon as well known on the Norwood Road as the -postmen on that beat, but I pervaded London likewise. I walked -about the streets where the best shops for ladies were, I haunted -the Bazaar like an unquiet spirit, I fagged through the Park again -and again, long after I was quite knocked up. Sometimes, at long -intervals and on rare occasions, I saw her. Perhaps I saw her -glove waved in a carriage window; perhaps I met her, walked with -her and Miss Murdstone a little way, and spoke to her. In the -latter case I was always very miserable afterwards, to think that -I had said nothing to the purpose; or that she had no idea of the -extent of my devotion, or that she cared nothing about me. I was -always looking out, as may be supposed, for another invitation to -Mr. Spenlow's house. I was always being disappointed, for I got -none. - -Mrs. Crupp must have been a woman of penetration; for when this -attachment was but a few weeks old, and I had not had the courage -to write more explicitly even to Agnes, than that I had been to Mr. -Spenlow's house, 'whose family,' I added, 'consists of one -daughter'; - I say Mrs. Crupp must have been a woman of -penetration, for, even in that early stage, she found it out. She -came up to me one evening, when I was very low, to ask (she being -then afflicted with the disorder I have mentioned) if I could -oblige her with a little tincture of cardamums mixed with rhubarb, -and flavoured with seven drops of the essence of cloves, which was -the best remedy for her complaint; - or, if I had not such a thing -by me, with a little brandy, which was the next best. It was not, -she remarked, so palatable to her, but it was the next best. As I -had never even heard of the first remedy, and always had the second -in the closet, I gave Mrs. Crupp a glass of the second, which (that -I might have no suspicion of its being devoted to any improper use) -she began to take in my presence. - -'Cheer up, sir,' said Mrs. Crupp. 'I can't abear to see you so, -sir: I'm a mother myself.' - -I did not quite perceive the application of this fact to myself, -but I smiled on Mrs. Crupp, as benignly as was in my power. - -'Come, sir,' said Mrs. Crupp. 'Excuse me. I know what it is, sir. -There's a lady in the case.' - -'Mrs. Crupp?' I returned, reddening. - -'Oh, bless you! Keep a good heart, sir!' said Mrs. Crupp, nodding -encouragement. 'Never say die, sir! If She don't smile upon you, -there's a many as will. You are a young gentleman to be smiled on, -Mr. Copperfull, and you must learn your walue, sir.' - -Mrs. Crupp always called me Mr. Copperfull: firstly, no doubt, -because it was not my name; and secondly, I am inclined to think, -in some indistinct association with a washing-day. - -'What makes you suppose there is any young lady in the case, Mrs. -Crupp?' said I. - -'Mr. Copperfull,' said Mrs. Crupp, with a great deal of feeling, -'I'm a mother myself.' - -For some time Mrs. Crupp could only lay her hand upon her nankeen -bosom, and fortify herself against returning pain with sips of her -medicine. At length she spoke again. - -'When the present set were took for you by your dear aunt, Mr. -Copperfull,' said Mrs. Crupp, 'my remark were, I had now found -summun I could care for. "Thank Ev'in!" were the expression, "I -have now found summun I can care for!" - You don't eat enough, sir, -nor yet drink.' - -'Is that what you found your supposition on, Mrs. Crupp?' said I. - -'Sir,' said Mrs. Crupp, in a tone approaching to severity, 'I've -laundressed other young gentlemen besides yourself. A young -gentleman may be over-careful of himself, or he may be -under-careful of himself. He may brush his hair too regular, or -too un-regular. He may wear his boots much too large for him, or -much too small. That is according as the young gentleman has his -original character formed. But let him go to which extreme he may, -sir, there's a young lady in both of 'em.' - -Mrs. Crupp shook her head in such a determined manner, that I had -not an inch of vantage-ground left. - -'It was but the gentleman which died here before yourself,' said -Mrs. Crupp, 'that fell in love - with a barmaid - and had his -waistcoats took in directly, though much swelled by drinking.' - -'Mrs. Crupp,' said I, 'I must beg you not to connect the young lady -in my case with a barmaid, or anything of that sort, if you -please.' - -'Mr. Copperfull,' returned Mrs. Crupp, 'I'm a mother myself, and -not likely. I ask your pardon, sir, if I intrude. I should never -wish to intrude where I were not welcome. But you are a young -gentleman, Mr. Copperfull, and my adwice to you is, to cheer up, -sir, to keep a good heart, and to know your own walue. If you was -to take to something, sir,' said Mrs. Crupp, 'if you was to take to -skittles, now, which is healthy, you might find it divert your -mind, and do you good.' - -With these words, Mrs. Crupp, affecting to be very careful of the -brandy - which was all gone - thanked me with a majestic curtsey, -and retired. As her figure disappeared into the gloom of the -entry, this counsel certainly presented itself to my mind in the -light of a slight liberty on Mrs. Crupp's part; but, at the same -time, I was content to receive it, in another point of view, as a -word to the wise, and a warning in future to keep my secret better. - - - -CHAPTER 27 -TOMMY TRADDLES - - -It may have been in consequence of Mrs. Crupp's advice, and, -perhaps, for no better reason than because there was a certain -similarity in the sound of the word skittles and Traddles, that it -came into my head, next day, to go and look after Traddles. The -time he had mentioned was more than out, and he lived in a little -street near the Veterinary College at Camden Town, which was -principally tenanted, as one of our clerks who lived in that -direction informed me, by gentlemen students, who bought live -donkeys, and made experiments on those quadrupeds in their private -apartments. Having obtained from this clerk a direction to the -academic grove in question, I set out, the same afternoon, to visit -my old schoolfellow. - -I found that the street was not as desirable a one as I could have -wished it to be, for the sake of Traddles. The inhabitants -appeared to have a propensity to throw any little trifles they were -not in want of, into the road: which not only made it rank and -sloppy, but untidy too, on account of the cabbage-leaves. The -refuse was not wholly vegetable either, for I myself saw a shoe, a -doubled-up saucepan, a black bonnet, and an umbrella, in various -stages of decomposition, as I was looking out for the number I -wanted. - -The general air of the place reminded me forcibly of the days when -I lived with Mr. and Mrs. Micawber. An indescribable character of -faded gentility that attached to the house I sought, and made it -unlike all the other houses in the street - though they were all -built on one monotonous pattern, and looked like the early copies -of a blundering boy who was learning to make houses, and had not -yet got out of his cramped brick-and-mortar pothooks - reminded me -still more of Mr. and Mrs. Micawber. Happening to arrive at the -door as it was opened to the afternoon milkman, I was reminded of -Mr. and Mrs. Micawber more forcibly yet. - -'Now,' said the milkman to a very youthful servant girl. 'Has that -there little bill of mine been heerd on?' - -'Oh, master says he'll attend to it immediate,' was the reply. - -'Because,' said the milkman, going on as if he had received no -answer, and speaking, as I judged from his tone, rather for the -edification of somebody within the house, than of the youthful -servant - an impression which was strengthened by his manner of -glaring down the passage - 'because that there little bill has been -running so long, that I begin to believe it's run away altogether, -and never won't be heerd of. Now, I'm not a going to stand it, you -know!' said the milkman, still throwing his voice into the house, -and glaring down the passage. - -As to his dealing in the mild article of milk, by the by, there -never was a greater anomaly. His deportment would have been fierce -in a butcher or a brandy-merchant. - -The voice of the youthful servant became faint, but she seemed to -me, from the action of her lips, again to murmur that it would be -attended to immediate. - -'I tell you what,' said the milkman, looking hard at her for the -first time, and taking her by the chin, 'are you fond of milk?' - -'Yes, I likes it,' she replied. -'Good,' said the milkman. 'Then you won't have none tomorrow. -D'ye hear? Not a fragment of milk you won't have tomorrow.' - -I thought she seemed, upon the whole, relieved by the prospect of -having any today. The milkman, after shaking his head at her -darkly, released her chin, and with anything rather than good-will -opened his can, and deposited the usual quantity in the family jug. -This done, he went away, muttering, and uttered the cry of his -trade next door, in a vindictive shriek. - -'Does Mr. Traddles live here?' I then inquired. - -A mysterious voice from the end of the passage replied 'Yes.' Upon -which the youthful servant replied 'Yes.' - -'Is he at home?' said I. - -Again the mysterious voice replied in the affirmative, and again -the servant echoed it. Upon this, I walked in, and in pursuance of -the servant's directions walked upstairs; conscious, as I passed -the back parlour-door, that I was surveyed by a mysterious eye, -probably belonging to the mysterious voice. - -When I got to the top of the stairs - the house was only a story -high above the ground floor - Traddles was on the landing to meet -me. He was delighted to see me, and gave me welcome, with great -heartiness, to his little room. It was in the front of the house, -and extremely neat, though sparely furnished. It was his only -room, I saw; for there was a sofa-bedstead in it, and his -blacking-brushes and blacking were among his books - on the top -shelf, behind a dictionary. His table was covered with papers, and -he was hard at work in an old coat. I looked at nothing, that I -know of, but I saw everything, even to the prospect of a church -upon his china inkstand, as I sat down - and this, too, was a -faculty confirmed in me in the old Micawber times. Various -ingenious arrangements he had made, for the disguise of his chest -of drawers, and the accommodation of his boots, his shaving-glass, -and so forth, particularly impressed themselves upon me, as -evidences of the same Traddles who used to make models of -elephants' dens in writing-paper to put flies in; and to comfort -himself under ill usage, with the memorable works of art I have so -often mentioned. - -In a corner of the room was something neatly covered up with a -large white cloth. I could not make out what that was. - -'Traddles,' said I, shaking hands with him again, after I had sat -down, 'I am delighted to see you.' - -'I am delighted to see YOU, Copperfield,' he returned. 'I am very -glad indeed to see you. It was because I was thoroughly glad to -see you when we met in Ely Place, and was sure you were thoroughly -glad to see me, that I gave you this address instead of my address -at chambers.' -'Oh! You have chambers?' said I. - -'Why, I have the fourth of a room and a passage, and the fourth of -a clerk,' returned Traddles. 'Three others and myself unite to -have a set of chambers - to look business-like - and we quarter the -clerk too. Half-a-crown a week he costs me.' - -His old simple character and good temper, and something of his old -unlucky fortune also, I thought, smiled at me in the smile with -which he made this explanation. - -'It's not because I have the least pride, Copperfield, you -understand,' said Traddles, 'that I don't usually give my address -here. It's only on account of those who come to me, who might not -like to come here. For myself, I am fighting my way on in the -world against difficulties, and it would be ridiculous if I made a -pretence of doing anything else.' - -'You are reading for the bar, Mr. Waterbrook informed me?' said I. - -'Why, yes,' said Traddles, rubbing his hands slowly over one -another. 'I am reading for the bar. The fact is, I have just -begun to keep my terms, after rather a long delay. It's some time -since I was articled, but the payment of that hundred pounds was a -great pull. A great pull!' said Traddles, with a wince, as if he -had had a tooth out. - -'Do you know what I can't help thinking of, Traddles, as I sit here -looking at you?' I asked him. - -'No,' said he. - -'That sky-blue suit you used to wear.' - -'Lord, to be sure!' cried Traddles, laughing. 'Tight in the arms -and legs, you know? Dear me! Well! Those were happy times, -weren't they?' - -'I think our schoolmaster might have made them happier, without -doing any harm to any of us, I acknowledge,' I returned. - -'Perhaps he might,' said Traddles. 'But dear me, there was a good -deal of fun going on. Do you remember the nights in the bedroom? -When we used to have the suppers? And when you used to tell the -stories? Ha, ha, ha! And do you remember when I got caned for -crying about Mr. Mell? Old Creakle! I should like to see him -again, too!' - -'He was a brute to you, Traddles,' said I, indignantly; for his -good humour made me feel as if I had seen him beaten but yesterday. - -'Do you think so?' returned Traddles. 'Really? Perhaps he was -rather. But it's all over, a long while. Old Creakle!' - -'You were brought up by an uncle, then?' said I. - -'Of course I was!' said Traddles. 'The one I was always going to -write to. And always didn't, eh! Ha, ha, ha! Yes, I had an uncle -then. He died soon after I left school.' - -'Indeed!' - -'Yes. He was a retired - what do you call it! - draper - -cloth-merchant - and had made me his heir. But he didn't like me -when I grew up.' - -'Do you really mean that?' said I. He was so composed, that I -fancied he must have some other meaning. - -'Oh dear, yes, Copperfield! I mean it,' replied Traddles. 'It was -an unfortunate thing, but he didn't like me at all. He said I -wasn't at all what he expected, and so he married his housekeeper.' - -'And what did you do?' I asked. - -'I didn't do anything in particular,' said Traddles. 'I lived with -them, waiting to be put out in the world, until his gout -unfortunately flew to his stomach - and so he died, and so she -married a young man, and so I wasn't provided for.' - -'Did you get nothing, Traddles, after all?' - -'Oh dear, yes!' said Traddles. 'I got fifty pounds. I had never -been brought up to any profession, and at first I was at a loss -what to do for myself. However, I began, with the assistance of -the son of a professional man, who had been to Salem House - -Yawler, with his nose on one side. Do you recollect him?' - -No. He had not been there with me; all the noses were straight in -my day. - -'It don't matter,' said Traddles. 'I began, by means of his -assistance, to copy law writings. That didn't answer very well; -and then I began to state cases for them, and make abstracts, and -that sort of work. For I am a plodding kind of fellow, -Copperfield, and had learnt the way of doing such things pithily. -Well! That put it in my head to enter myself as a law student; and -that ran away with all that was left of the fifty pounds. Yawler -recommended me to one or two other offices, however - Mr. -Waterbrook's for one - and I got a good many jobs. I was fortunate -enough, too, to become acquainted with a person in the publishing -way, who was getting up an Encyclopaedia, and he set me to work; -and, indeed' (glancing at his table), 'I am at work for him at this -minute. I am not a bad compiler, Copperfield,' said Traddles, -preserving the same air of cheerful confidence in all he said, 'but -I have no invention at all; not a particle. I suppose there never -was a young man with less originality than I have.' - -As Traddles seemed to expect that I should assent to this as a -matter of course, I nodded; and he went on, with the same sprightly -patience - I can find no better expression - as before. - -'So, by little and little, and not living high, I managed to scrape -up the hundred pounds at last,' said Traddles; 'and thank Heaven -that's paid - though it was - though it certainly was,' said -Traddles, wincing again as if he had had another tooth out, 'a -pull. I am living by the sort of work I have mentioned, still, and -I hope, one of these days, to get connected with some newspaper: -which would almost be the making of my fortune. Now, Copperfield, -you are so exactly what you used to be, with that agreeable face, -and it's so pleasant to see you, that I sha'n't conceal anything. -Therefore you must know that I am engaged.' - -Engaged! Oh, Dora! - -'She is a curate's daughter,' said Traddles; 'one of ten, down in -Devonshire. Yes!' For he saw me glance, involuntarily, at the -prospect on the inkstand. 'That's the church! You come round here -to the left, out of this gate,' tracing his finger along the -inkstand, 'and exactly where I hold this pen, there stands the -house - facing, you understand, towards the church.' - -The delight with which he entered into these particulars, did not -fully present itself to me until afterwards; for my selfish -thoughts were making a ground-plan of Mr. Spenlow's house and -garden at the same moment. - -'She is such a dear girl!' said Traddles; 'a little older than me, -but the dearest girl! I told you I was going out of town? I have -been down there. I walked there, and I walked back, and I had the -most delightful time! I dare say ours is likely to be a rather -long engagement, but our motto is "Wait and hope!" We always say -that. "Wait and hope," we always say. And she would wait, -Copperfield, till she was sixty - any age you can mention - for -me!' - -Traddles rose from his chair, and, with a triumphant smile, put his -hand upon the white cloth I had observed. - -'However,' he said, 'it's not that we haven't made a beginning -towards housekeeping. No, no; we have begun. We must get on by -degrees, but we have begun. Here,' drawing the cloth off with -great pride and care, 'are two pieces of furniture to commence -with. This flower-pot and stand, she bought herself. You put that -in a parlour window,' said Traddles, falling a little back from it -to survey it with the greater admiration, 'with a plant in it, and -- and there you are! This little round table with the marble top -(it's two feet ten in circumference), I bought. You want to lay a -book down, you know, or somebody comes to see you or your wife, and -wants a place to stand a cup of tea upon, and - and there you are -again!' said Traddles. 'It's an admirable piece of workmanship - -firm as a rock!' -I praised them both, highly, and Traddles replaced the covering as -carefully as he had removed it. - -'It's not a great deal towards the furnishing,' said Traddles, 'but -it's something. The table-cloths, and pillow-cases, and articles -of that kind, are what discourage me most, Copperfield. So does -the ironmongery - candle-boxes, and gridirons, and that sort of -necessaries - because those things tell, and mount up. However, -"wait and hope!" And I assure you she's the dearest girl!' - -'I am quite certain of it,' said I. - -'In the meantime,' said Traddles, coming back to his chair; 'and -this is the end of my prosing about myself, I get on as well as I -can. I don't make much, but I don't spend much. In general, I -board with the people downstairs, who are very agreeable people -indeed. Both Mr. and Mrs. Micawber have seen a good deal of life, -and are excellent company.' - -'My dear Traddles!' I quickly exclaimed. 'What are you talking -about?' - -Traddles looked at me, as if he wondered what I was talking about. - -'Mr. and Mrs. Micawber!' I repeated. 'Why, I am intimately -acquainted with them!' - -An opportune double knock at the door, which I knew well from old -experience in Windsor Terrace, and which nobody but Mr. Micawber -could ever have knocked at that door, resolved any doubt in my mind -as to their being my old friends. I begged Traddles to ask his -landlord to walk up. Traddles accordingly did so, over the -banister; and Mr. Micawber, not a bit changed - his tights, his -stick, his shirt-collar, and his eye-glass, all the same as ever - -came into the room with a genteel and youthful air. - -'I beg your pardon, Mr. Traddles,' said Mr. Micawber, with the old -roll in his voice, as he checked himself in humming a soft tune. -'I was not aware that there was any individual, alien to this -tenement, in your sanctum.' - -Mr. Micawber slightly bowed to me, and pulled up his shirt-collar. - -'How do you do, Mr. Micawber?' said I. - -'Sir,' said Mr. Micawber, 'you are exceedingly obliging. I am in -statu quo.' - -'And Mrs. Micawber?' I pursued. - -'Sir,' said Mr. Micawber, 'she is also, thank God, in statu quo.' - -'And the children, Mr. Micawber?' - -'Sir,' said Mr. Micawber, 'I rejoice to reply that they are, -likewise, in the enjoyment of salubrity.' - -All this time, Mr. Micawber had not known me in the least, though -he had stood face to face with me. But now, seeing me smile, he -examined my features with more attention, fell back, cried, 'Is it -possible! Have I the pleasure of again beholding Copperfield!' and -shook me by both hands with the utmost fervour. - -'Good Heaven, Mr. Traddles!' said Mr. Micawber, 'to think that I -should find you acquainted with the friend of my youth, the -companion of earlier days! My dear!' calling over the banisters to -Mrs. Micawber, while Traddles looked (with reason) not a little -amazed at this description of me. 'Here is a gentleman in Mr. -Traddles's apartment, whom he wishes to have the pleasure of -presenting to you, my love!' - -Mr. Micawber immediately reappeared, and shook hands with me again. - -'And how is our good friend the Doctor, Copperfield?' said Mr. -Micawber, 'and all the circle at Canterbury?' - -'I have none but good accounts of them,' said I. - -'I am most delighted to hear it,' said Mr. Micawber. 'It was at -Canterbury where we last met. Within the shadow, I may -figuratively say, of that religious edifice immortalized by -Chaucer, which was anciently the resort of Pilgrims from the -remotest corners of - in short,' said Mr. Micawber, 'in the -immediate neighbourhood of the Cathedral.' - -I replied that it was. Mr. Micawber continued talking as volubly -as he could; but not, I thought, without showing, by some marks of -concern in his countenance, that he was sensible of sounds in the -next room, as of Mrs. Micawber washing her hands, and hurriedly -opening and shutting drawers that were uneasy in their action. - -'You find us, Copperfield,' said Mr. Micawber, with one eye on -Traddles, 'at present established, on what may be designated as a -small and unassuming scale; but, you are aware that I have, in the -course of my career, surmounted difficulties, and conquered -obstacles. You are no stranger to the fact, that there have been -periods of my life, when it has been requisite that I should pause, -until certain expected events should turn up; when it has been -necessary that I should fall back, before making what I trust I -shall not be accused of presumption in terming - a spring. The -present is one of those momentous stages in the life of man. You -find me, fallen back, FOR a spring; and I have every reason to -believe that a vigorous leap will shortly be the result.' - -I was expressing my satisfaction, when Mrs. Micawber came in; a -little more slatternly than she used to be, or so she seemed now, -to my unaccustomed eyes, but still with some preparation of herself -for company, and with a pair of brown gloves on. - -'My dear,' said Mr. Micawber, leading her towards me, 'here is a -gentleman of the name of Copperfield, who wishes to renew his -acquaintance with you.' - -It would have been better, as it turned out, to have led gently up -to this announcement, for Mrs. Micawber, being in a delicate state -of health, was overcome by it, and was taken so unwell, that Mr. -Micawber was obliged, in great trepidation, to run down to the -water-butt in the backyard, and draw a basinful to lave her brow -with. She presently revived, however, and was really pleased to -see me. We had half-an-hour's talk, all together; and I asked her -about the twins, who, she said, were 'grown great creatures'; and -after Master and Miss Micawber, whom she described as 'absolute -giants', but they were not produced on that occasion. - -Mr. Micawber was very anxious that I should stay to dinner. I -should not have been averse to do so, but that I imagined I -detected trouble, and calculation relative to the extent of the -cold meat, in Mrs. Micawber's eye. I therefore pleaded another -engagement; and observing that Mrs. Micawber's spirits were -immediately lightened, I resisted all persuasion to forego it. - -But I told Traddles, and Mr. and Mrs. Micawber, that before I could -think of leaving, they must appoint a day when they would come and -dine with me. The occupations to which Traddles stood pledged, -rendered it necessary to fix a somewhat distant one; but an -appointment was made for the purpose, that suited us all, and then -I took my leave. - -Mr. Micawber, under pretence of showing me a nearer way than that -by which I had come, accompanied me to the corner of the street; -being anxious (he explained to me) to say a few words to an old -friend, in confidence. - -'My dear Copperfield,' said Mr. Micawber, 'I need hardly tell you -that to have beneath our roof, under existing circumstances, a mind -like that which gleams - if I may be allowed the expression - which -gleams - in your friend Traddles, is an unspeakable comfort. With -a washerwoman, who exposes hard-bake for sale in her -parlour-window, dwelling next door, and a Bow-street officer -residing over the way, you may imagine that his society is a source -of consolation to myself and to Mrs. Micawber. I am at present, my -dear Copperfield, engaged in the sale of corn upon commission. It -is not an avocation of a remunerative description - in other words, -it does not pay - and some temporary embarrassments of a pecuniary -nature have been the consequence. I am, however, delighted to add -that I have now an immediate prospect of something turning up (I am -not at liberty to say in what direction), which I trust will enable -me to provide, permanently, both for myself and for your friend -Traddles, in whom I have an unaffected interest. You may, perhaps, -be prepared to hear that Mrs. Micawber is in a state of health -which renders it not wholly improbable that an addition may be -ultimately made to those pledges of affection which - in short, to -the infantine group. Mrs. Micawber's family have been so good as -to express their dissatisfaction at this state of things. I have -merely to observe, that I am not aware that it is any business of -theirs, and that I repel that exhibition of feeling with scorn, and -with defiance!' - -Mr. Micawber then shook hands with me again, and left me. - - - -CHAPTER 28 -Mr. MICAWBER'S GAUNTLET - - -Until the day arrived on which I was to entertain my newly-found -old friends, I lived principally on Dora and coffee. In my -love-lorn condition, my appetite languished; and I was glad of it, -for I felt as though it would have been an act of perfidy towards -Dora to have a natural relish for my dinner. The quantity of -walking exercise I took, was not in this respect attended with its -usual consequence, as the disappointment counteracted the fresh -air. I have my doubts, too, founded on the acute experience -acquired at this period of my life, whether a sound enjoyment of -animal food can develop itself freely in any human subject who is -always in torment from tight boots. I think the extremities -require to be at peace before the stomach will conduct itself with -vigour. - -On the occasion of this domestic little party, I did not repeat my -former extensive preparations. I merely provided a pair of soles, -a small leg of mutton, and a pigeon-pie. Mrs. Crupp broke out into -rebellion on my first bashful hint in reference to the cooking of -the fish and joint, and said, with a dignified sense of injury, -'No! No, sir! You will not ask me sich a thing, for you are -better acquainted with me than to suppose me capable of doing what -I cannot do with ampial satisfaction to my own feelings!' But, in -the end, a compromise was effected; and Mrs. Crupp consented to -achieve this feat, on condition that I dined from home for a -fortnight afterwards. - -And here I may remark, that what I underwent from Mrs. Crupp, in -consequence of the tyranny she established over me, was dreadful. -I never was so much afraid of anyone. We made a compromise of -everything. If I hesitated, she was taken with that wonderful -disorder which was always lying in ambush in her system, ready, at -the shortest notice, to prey upon her vitals. If I rang the bell -impatiently, after half-a-dozen unavailing modest pulls, and she -appeared at last - which was not by any means to be relied upon - -she would appear with a reproachful aspect, sink breathless on a -chair near the door, lay her hand upon her nankeen bosom, and -become so ill, that I was glad, at any sacrifice of brandy or -anything else, to get rid of her. If I objected to having my bed -made at five o'clock in the afternoon - which I do still think an -uncomfortable arrangement - one motion of her hand towards the same -nankeen region of wounded sensibility was enough to make me falter -an apology. In short, I would have done anything in an honourable -way rather than give Mrs. Crupp offence; and she was the terror of -my life. - -I bought a second-hand dumb-waiter for this dinner-party, in -preference to re-engaging the handy young man; against whom I had -conceived a prejudice, in consequence of meeting him in the Strand, -one Sunday morning, in a waistcoat remarkably like one of mine, -which had been missing since the former occasion. The 'young gal' -was re-engaged; but on the stipulation that she should only bring -in the dishes, and then withdraw to the landing-place, beyond the -outer door; where a habit of sniffing she had contracted would be -lost upon the guests, and where her retiring on the plates would be -a physical impossibility. - -Having laid in the materials for a bowl of punch, to be compounded -by Mr. Micawber; having provided a bottle of lavender-water, two -wax-candles, a paper of mixed pins, and a pincushion, to assist -Mrs. Micawber in her toilette at my dressing-table; having also -caused the fire in my bedroom to be lighted for Mrs. Micawber's -convenience; and having laid the cloth with my own hands, I awaited -the result with composure. - -At the appointed time, my three visitors arrived together. Mr. -Micawber with more shirt-collar than usual, and a new ribbon to his -eye-glass; Mrs. Micawber with her cap in a whitey-brown paper -parcel; Traddles carrying the parcel, and supporting Mrs. Micawber -on his arm. They were all delighted with my residence. When I -conducted Mrs. Micawber to my dressing-table, and she saw the scale -on which it was prepared for her, she was in such raptures, that -she called Mr. Micawber to come in and look. - -'My dear Copperfield,' said Mr. Micawber, 'this is luxurious. This -is a way of life which reminds me of the period when I was myself -in a state of celibacy, and Mrs. Micawber had not yet been -solicited to plight her faith at the Hymeneal altar.' - -'He means, solicited by him, Mr. Copperfield,' said Mrs. Micawber, -archly. 'He cannot answer for others.' - -'My dear,' returned Mr. Micawber with sudden seriousness, 'I have -no desire to answer for others. I am too well aware that when, in -the inscrutable decrees of Fate, you were reserved for me, it is -possible you may have been reserved for one, destined, after a -protracted struggle, at length to fall a victim to pecuniary -involvements of a complicated nature. I understand your allusion, -my love. I regret it, but I can bear it.' - -'Micawber!' exclaimed Mrs. Micawber, in tears. 'Have I deserved -this! I, who never have deserted you; who never WILL desert you, -Micawber!' -'My love,' said Mr. Micawber, much affected, 'you will forgive, and -our old and tried friend Copperfield will, I am sure, forgive, the -momentary laceration of a wounded spirit, made sensitive by a -recent collision with the Minion of Power - in other words, with a -ribald Turncock attached to the water-works - and will pity, not -condemn, its excesses.' - -Mr. Micawber then embraced Mrs. Micawber, and pressed my hand; -leaving me to infer from this broken allusion that his domestic -supply of water had been cut off that afternoon, in consequence of -default in the payment of the company's rates. - -To divert his thoughts from this melancholy subject, I informed Mr. -Micawber that I relied upon him for a bowl of punch, and led him to -the lemons. His recent despondency, not to say despair, was gone -in a moment. I never saw a man so thoroughly enjoy himself amid -the fragrance of lemon-peel and sugar, the odour of burning rum, -and the steam of boiling water, as Mr. Micawber did that afternoon. -It was wonderful to see his face shining at us out of a thin cloud -of these delicate fumes, as he stirred, and mixed, and tasted, and -looked as if he were making, instead of punch, a fortune for his -family down to the latest posterity. As to Mrs. Micawber, I don't -know whether it was the effect of the cap, or the lavender-water, -or the pins, or the fire, or the wax-candles, but she came out of -my room, comparatively speaking, lovely. And the lark was never -gayer than that excellent woman. - -I suppose - I never ventured to inquire, but I suppose - that Mrs. -Crupp, after frying the soles, was taken ill. Because we broke -down at that point. The leg of mutton came up very red within, and -very pale without: besides having a foreign substance of a gritty -nature sprinkled over it, as if if had had a fall into the ashes of -that remarkable kitchen fireplace. But we were not in condition to -judge of this fact from the appearance of the gravy, forasmuch as -the 'young gal' had dropped it all upon the stairs - where it -remained, by the by, in a long train, until it was worn out. The -pigeon-pie was not bad, but it was a delusive pie: the crust being -like a disappointing head, phrenologically speaking: full of lumps -and bumps, with nothing particular underneath. In short, the -banquet was such a failure that I should have been quite unhappy - -about the failure, I mean, for I was always unhappy about Dora - if -I had not been relieved by the great good humour of my company, and -by a bright suggestion from Mr. Micawber. - -'My dear friend Copperfield,' said Mr. Micawber, 'accidents will -occur in the best-regulated families; and in families not regulated -by that pervading influence which sanctifies while it enhances the -- a - I would say, in short, by the influence of Woman, in the -lofty character of Wife, they may be expected with confidence, and -must be borne with philosophy. If you will allow me to take the -liberty of remarking that there are few comestibles better, in -their way, than a Devil, and that I believe, with a little division -of labour, we could accomplish a good one if the young person in -attendance could produce a gridiron, I would put it to you, that -this little misfortune may be easily repaired.' - -There was a gridiron in the pantry, on which my morning rasher of -bacon was cooked. We had it in, in a twinkling, and immediately -applied ourselves to carrying Mr. Micawber's idea into effect. The -division of labour to which he had referred was this: - Traddles -cut the mutton into slices; Mr. Micawber (who could do anything of -this sort to perfection) covered them with pepper, mustard, salt, -and cayenne; I put them on the gridiron, turned them with a fork, -and took them off, under Mr. Micawber's direction; and Mrs. -Micawber heated, and continually stirred, some mushroom ketchup in -a little saucepan. When we had slices enough done to begin upon, -we fell-to, with our sleeves still tucked up at the wrist, more -slices sputtering and blazing on the fire, and our attention -divided between the mutton on our plates, and the mutton then -preparing. - -What with the novelty of this cookery, the excellence of it, the -bustle of it, the frequent starting up to look after it, the -frequent sitting down to dispose of it as the crisp slices came off -the gridiron hot and hot, the being so busy, so flushed with the -fire, so amused, and in the midst of such a tempting noise and -savour, we reduced the leg of mutton to the bone. My own appetite -came back miraculously. I am ashamed to record it, but I really -believe I forgot Dora for a little while. I am satisfied that Mr. -and Mrs. Micawber could not have enjoyed the feast more, if they -had sold a bed to provide it. Traddles laughed as heartily, almost -the whole time, as he ate and worked. Indeed we all did, all at -once; and I dare say there was never a greater success. - -We were at the height of our enjoyment, and were all busily -engaged, in our several departments, endeavouring to bring the last -batch of slices to a state of perfection that should crown the -feast, when I was aware of a strange presence in the room, and my -eyes encountered those of the staid Littimer, standing hat in hand -before me. - -'What's the matter?' I involuntarily asked. - -'I beg your pardon, sir, I was directed to come in. Is my master -not here, sir?' - -'No.' - -'Have you not seen him, sir?' - -'No; don't you come from him?' - -'Not immediately so, sir.' - -'Did he tell you you would find him here?' - -'Not exactly so, sir. But I should think he might be here -tomorrow, as he has not been here today.' -'Is he coming up from Oxford?' - -'I beg, sir,' he returned respectfully, 'that you will be seated, -and allow me to do this.' With which he took the fork from my -unresisting hand, and bent over the gridiron, as if his whole -attention were concentrated on it. - -We should not have been much discomposed, I dare say, by the -appearance of Steerforth himself, but we became in a moment the -meekest of the meek before his respectable serving-man. Mr. -Micawber, humming a tune, to show that he was quite at ease, -subsided into his chair, with the handle of a hastily concealed -fork sticking out of the bosom of his coat, as if he had stabbed -himself. Mrs. Micawber put on her brown gloves, and assumed a -genteel languor. Traddles ran his greasy hands through his hair, -and stood it bolt upright, and stared in confusion on the -table-cloth. As for me, I was a mere infant at the head of my own -table; and hardly ventured to glance at the respectable phenomenon, -who had come from Heaven knows where, to put my establishment to -rights. - -Meanwhile he took the mutton off the gridiron, and gravely handed -it round. We all took some, but our appreciation of it was gone, -and we merely made a show of eating it. As we severally pushed -away our plates, he noiselessly removed them, and set on the -cheese. He took that off, too, when it was done with; cleared the -table; piled everything on the dumb-waiter; gave us our -wine-glasses; and, of his own accord, wheeled the dumb-waiter into -the pantry. All this was done in a perfect manner, and he never -raised his eyes from what he was about. Yet his very elbows, when -he had his back towards me, seemed to teem with the expression of -his fixed opinion that I was extremely young. - -'Can I do anything more, sir?' - -I thanked him and said, No; but would he take no dinner himself? - -'None, I am obliged to you, sir.' - -'Is Mr. Steerforth coming from Oxford?' - -'I beg your pardon, sir?' - -'Is Mr. Steerforth coming from Oxford?' - -'I should imagine that he might be here tomorrow, sir. I rather -thought he might have been here today, sir. The mistake is mine, -no doubt, sir.' - -'If you should see him first -' said I. - -'If you'll excuse me, sir, I don't think I shall see him first.' - -'In case you do,' said I, 'pray say that I am sorry he was not here -today, as an old schoolfellow of his was here.' - -'Indeed, sir!' and he divided a bow between me and Traddles, with -a glance at the latter. - -He was moving softly to the door, when, in a forlorn hope of saying -something naturally - which I never could, to this man - I said: - -'Oh! Littimer!' - -'Sir!' - -'Did you remain long at Yarmouth, that time?' - -'Not particularly so, sir.' - -'You saw the boat completed?' - -'Yes, sir. I remained behind on purpose to see the boat -completed.' - -'I know!' He raised his eyes to mine respectfully. - -'Mr. Steerforth has not seen it yet, I suppose?' - -'I really can't say, sir. I think - but I really can't say, sir. -I wish you good night, sir.' - -He comprehended everybody present, in the respectful bow with which -he followed these words, and disappeared. My visitors seemed to -breathe more freely when he was gone; but my own relief was very -great, for besides the constraint, arising from that extraordinary -sense of being at a disadvantage which I always had in this man's -presence, my conscience had embarrassed me with whispers that I had -mistrusted his master, and I could not repress a vague uneasy dread -that he might find it out. How was it, having so little in reality -to conceal, that I always DID feel as if this man were finding me -out? - -Mr. Micawber roused me from this reflection, which was blended with -a certain remorseful apprehension of seeing Steerforth himself, by -bestowing many encomiums on the absent Littimer as a most -respectable fellow, and a thoroughly admirable servant. Mr. -Micawber, I may remark, had taken his full share of the general -bow, and had received it with infinite condescension. - -'But punch, my dear Copperfield,' said Mr. Micawber, tasting it, -'like time and tide, waits for no man. Ah! it is at the present -moment in high flavour. My love, will you give me your opinion?' - -Mrs. Micawber pronounced it excellent. - -'Then I will drink,' said Mr. Micawber, 'if my friend Copperfield -will permit me to take that social liberty, to the days when my -friend Copperfield and myself were younger, and fought our way in -the world side by side. I may say, of myself and Copperfield, in -words we have sung together before now, that - - We twa hae run about the braes - And pu'd the gowans' fine - -- in a figurative point of view - on several occasions. I am not -exactly aware,' said Mr. Micawber, with the old roll in his voice, -and the old indescribable air of saying something genteel, 'what -gowans may be, but I have no doubt that Copperfield and myself -would frequently have taken a pull at them, if it had been -feasible.' - -Mr. Micawber, at the then present moment, took a pull at his punch. -So we all did: Traddles evidently lost in wondering at what distant -time Mr. Micawber and I could have been comrades in the battle of -the world. - -'Ahem!' said Mr. Micawber, clearing his throat, and warming with -the punch and with the fire. 'My dear, another glass?' - -Mrs. Micawber said it must be very little; but we couldn't allow -that, so it was a glassful. - -'As we are quite confidential here, Mr. Copperfield,' said Mrs. -Micawber, sipping her punch, 'Mr. Traddles being a part of our -domesticity, I should much like to have your opinion on Mr. -Micawber's prospects. For corn,' said Mrs. Micawber -argumentatively, 'as I have repeatedly said to Mr. Micawber, may be -gentlemanly, but it is not remunerative. Commission to the extent -of two and ninepence in a fortnight cannot, however limited our -ideas, be considered remunerative.' - -We were all agreed upon that. - -'Then,' said Mrs. Micawber, who prided herself on taking a clear -view of things, and keeping Mr. Micawber straight by her woman's -wisdom, when he might otherwise go a little crooked, 'then I ask -myself this question. If corn is not to be relied upon, what is? -Are coals to be relied upon? Not at all. We have turned our -attention to that experiment, on the suggestion of my family, and -we find it fallacious.' - -Mr. Micawber, leaning back in his chair with his hands in his -pockets, eyed us aside, and nodded his head, as much as to say that -the case was very clearly put. - -'The articles of corn and coals,' said Mrs. Micawber, still more -argumentatively, 'being equally out of the question, Mr. -Copperfield, I naturally look round the world, and say, "What is -there in which a person of Mr. Micawber's talent is likely to -succeed?" And I exclude the doing anything on commission, because -commission is not a certainty. What is best suited to a person of -Mr. Micawber's peculiar temperament is, I am convinced, a -certainty.' - -Traddles and I both expressed, by a feeling murmur, that this great -discovery was no doubt true of Mr. Micawber, and that it did him -much credit. - -'I will not conceal from you, my dear Mr. Copperfield,' said Mrs. -Micawber, 'that I have long felt the Brewing business to be -particularly adapted to Mr. Micawber. Look at Barclay and Perkins! -Look at Truman, Hanbury, and Buxton! It is on that extensive -footing that Mr. Micawber, I know from my own knowledge of him, is -calculated to shine; and the profits, I am told, are e-NOR-MOUS! -But if Mr. Micawber cannot get into those firms - which decline to -answer his letters, when he offers his services even in an inferior -capacity - what is the use of dwelling upon that idea? None. I -may have a conviction that Mr. Micawber's manners -' - -'Hem! Really, my dear,' interposed Mr. Micawber. - -'My love, be silent,' said Mrs. Micawber, laying her brown glove on -his hand. 'I may have a conviction, Mr. Copperfield, that Mr. -Micawber's manners peculiarly qualify him for the Banking business. -I may argue within myself, that if I had a deposit at a -banking-house, the manners of Mr. Micawber, as representing that -banking-house, would inspire confidence, and must extend the -connexion. But if the various banking-houses refuse to avail -themselves of Mr. Micawber's abilities, or receive the offer of -them with contumely, what is the use of dwelling upon THAT idea? -None. As to originating a banking-business, I may know that there -are members of my family who, if they chose to place their money in -Mr. Micawber's hands, might found an establishment of that -description. But if they do NOT choose to place their money in Mr. -Micawber's hands - which they don't - what is the use of that? -Again I contend that we are no farther advanced than we were -before.' - -I shook my head, and said, 'Not a bit.' Traddles also shook his -head, and said, 'Not a bit.' - -'What do I deduce from this?' Mrs. Micawber went on to say, still -with the same air of putting a case lucidly. 'What is the -conclusion, my dear Mr. Copperfield, to which I am irresistibly -brought? Am I wrong in saying, it is clear that we must live?' - -I answered 'Not at all!' and Traddles answered 'Not at all!' and I -found myself afterwards sagely adding, alone, that a person must -either live or die. - -'Just so,' returned Mrs. Micawber, 'It is precisely that. And the -fact is, my dear Mr. Copperfield, that we can not live without -something widely different from existing circumstances shortly -turning up. Now I am convinced, myself, and this I have pointed -out to Mr. Micawber several times of late, that things cannot be -expected to turn up of themselves. We must, in a measure, assist -to turn them up. I may be wrong, but I have formed that opinion.' - -Both Traddles and I applauded it highly. - -'Very well,' said Mrs. Micawber. 'Then what do I recommend? Here -is Mr. Micawber with a variety of qualifications - with great -talent -' - -'Really, my love,' said Mr. Micawber. - -'Pray, my dear, allow me to conclude. Here is Mr. Micawber, with -a variety of qualifications, with great talent - I should say, with -genius, but that may be the partiality of a wife -' - -Traddles and I both murmured 'No.' - -'And here is Mr. Micawber without any suitable position or -employment. Where does that responsibility rest? Clearly on -society. Then I would make a fact so disgraceful known, and boldly -challenge society to set it right. It appears to me, my dear Mr. -Copperfield,' said Mrs. Micawber, forcibly, 'that what Mr. Micawber -has to do, is to throw down the gauntlet to society, and say, in -effect, "Show me who will take that up. Let the party immediately -step forward."' - -I ventured to ask Mrs. Micawber how this was to be done. - -'By advertising,' said Mrs. Micawber - 'in all the papers. It -appears to me, that what Mr. Micawber has to do, in justice to -himself, in justice to his family, and I will even go so far as to -say in justice to society, by which he has been hitherto -overlooked, is to advertise in all the papers; to describe himself -plainly as so-and-so, with such and such qualifications and to put -it thus: "Now employ me, on remunerative terms, and address, -post-paid, to W. M., Post Office, Camden Town."' - -'This idea of Mrs. Micawber's, my dear Copperfield,' said Mr. -Micawber, making his shirt-collar meet in front of his chin, and -glancing at me sideways, 'is, in fact, the Leap to which I alluded, -when I last had the pleasure of seeing you.' - -'Advertising is rather expensive,' I remarked, dubiously. - -'Exactly so!' said Mrs. Micawber, preserving the same logical air. -'Quite true, my dear Mr. Copperfield! I have made the identical -observation to Mr. Micawber. It is for that reason especially, -that I think Mr. Micawber ought (as I have already said, in justice -to himself, in justice to his family, and in justice to society) to -raise a certain sum of money - on a bill.' - -Mr. Micawber, leaning back in his chair, trifled with his eye-glass -and cast his eyes up at the ceiling; but I thought him observant of -Traddles, too, who was looking at the fire. - -'If no member of my family,' said Mrs. Micawber, 'is possessed of -sufficient natural feeling to negotiate that bill - I believe there -is a better business-term to express what I mean -' - -Mr. Micawber, with his eyes still cast up at the ceiling, suggested -'Discount.' - -'To discount that bill,' said Mrs. Micawber, 'then my opinion is, -that Mr. Micawber should go into the City, should take that bill -into the Money Market, and should dispose of it for what he can -get. If the individuals in the Money Market oblige Mr. Micawber to -sustain a great sacrifice, that is between themselves and their -consciences. I view it, steadily, as an investment. I recommend -Mr. Micawber, my dear Mr. Copperfield, to do the same; to regard it -as an investment which is sure of return, and to make up his mind -to any sacrifice.' - -I felt, but I am sure I don't know why, that this was self-denying -and devoted in Mrs. Micawber, and I uttered a murmur to that -effect. Traddles, who took his tone from me, did likewise, still -looking at the fire. - -'I will not,' said Mrs. Micawber, finishing her punch, and -gathering her scarf about her shoulders, preparatory to her -withdrawal to my bedroom: 'I will not protract these remarks on the -subject of Mr. Micawber's pecuniary affairs. At your fireside, my -dear Mr. Copperfield, and in the presence of Mr. Traddles, who, -though not so old a friend, is quite one of ourselves, I could not -refrain from making you acquainted with the course I advise Mr. -Micawber to take. I feel that the time is arrived when Mr. -Micawber should exert himself and - I will add - assert himself, -and it appears to me that these are the means. I am aware that I -am merely a female, and that a masculine judgement is usually -considered more competent to the discussion of such questions; -still I must not forget that, when I lived at home with my papa and -mama, my papa was in the habit of saying, "Emma's form is fragile, -but her grasp of a subject is inferior to none." That my papa was -too partial, I well know; but that he was an observer of character -in some degree, my duty and my reason equally forbid me to doubt.' - -With these words, and resisting our entreaties that she would grace -the remaining circulation of the punch with her presence, Mrs. -Micawber retired to my bedroom. And really I felt that she was a -noble woman - the sort of woman who might have been a Roman matron, -and done all manner of heroic things, in times of public trouble. - -In the fervour of this impression, I congratulated Mr. Micawber on -the treasure he possessed. So did Traddles. Mr. Micawber extended -his hand to each of us in succession, and then covered his face -with his pocket-handkerchief, which I think had more snuff upon it -than he was aware of. He then returned to the punch, in the -highest state of exhilaration. - -He was full of eloquence. He gave us to understand that in our -children we lived again, and that, under the pressure of pecuniary -difficulties, any accession to their number was doubly welcome. He -said that Mrs. Micawber had latterly had her doubts on this point, -but that he had dispelled them, and reassured her. As to her -family, they were totally unworthy of her, and their sentiments -were utterly indifferent to him, and they might - I quote his own -expression - go to the Devil. - -Mr. Micawber then delivered a warm eulogy on Traddles. He said -Traddles's was a character, to the steady virtues of which he (Mr. -Micawber) could lay no claim, but which, he thanked Heaven, he -could admire. He feelingly alluded to the young lady, unknown, -whom Traddles had honoured with his affection, and who had -reciprocated that affection by honouring and blessing Traddles with -her affection. Mr. Micawber pledged her. So did I. Traddles -thanked us both, by saying, with a simplicity and honesty I had -sense enough to be quite charmed with, 'I am very much obliged to -you indeed. And I do assure you, she's the dearest girl! -' - -Mr. Micawber took an early opportunity, after that, of hinting, -with the utmost delicacy and ceremony, at the state of MY -affections. Nothing but the serious assurance of his friend -Copperfield to the contrary, he observed, could deprive him of the -impression that his friend Copperfield loved and was beloved. -After feeling very hot and uncomfortable for some time, and after -a good deal of blushing, stammering, and denying, I said, having my -glass in my hand, 'Well! I would give them D.!' which so excited -and gratified Mr. Micawber, that he ran with a glass of punch into -my bedroom, in order that Mrs. Micawber might drink D., who drank -it with enthusiasm, crying from within, in a shrill voice, 'Hear, -hear! My dear Mr. Copperfield, I am delighted. Hear!' and tapping -at the wall, by way of applause. - -Our conversation, afterwards, took a more worldly turn; Mr. -Micawber telling us that he found Camden Town inconvenient, and -that the first thing he contemplated doing, when the advertisement -should have been the cause of something satisfactory turning up, -was to move. He mentioned a terrace at the western end of Oxford -Street, fronting Hyde Park, on which he had always had his eye, but -which he did not expect to attain immediately, as it would require -a large establishment. There would probably be an interval, he -explained, in which he should content himself with the upper part -of a house, over some respectable place of business - say in -Piccadilly, - which would be a cheerful situation for Mrs. -Micawber; and where, by throwing out a bow-window, or carrying up -the roof another story, or making some little alteration of that -sort, they might live, comfortably and reputably, for a few years. -Whatever was reserved for him, he expressly said, or wherever his -abode might be, we might rely on this - there would always be a -room for Traddles, and a knife and fork for me. We acknowledged -his kindness; and he begged us to forgive his having launched into -these practical and business-like details, and to excuse it as -natural in one who was making entirely new arrangements in life. - -Mrs. Micawber, tapping at the wall again to know if tea were ready, -broke up this particular phase of our friendly conversation. She -made tea for us in a most agreeable manner; and, whenever I went -near her, in handing about the tea-cups and bread-and-butter, asked -me, in a whisper, whether D. was fair, or dark, or whether she was -short, or tall: or something of that kind; which I think I liked. -After tea, we discussed a variety of topics before the fire; and -Mrs. Micawber was good enough to sing us (in a small, thin, flat -voice, which I remembered to have considered, when I first knew -her, the very table-beer of acoustics) the favourite ballads of -'The Dashing White Sergeant', and 'Little Tafflin'. For both of -these songs Mrs. Micawber had been famous when she lived at home -with her papa and mama. Mr. Micawber told us, that when he heard -her sing the first one, on the first occasion of his seeing her -beneath the parental roof, she had attracted his attention in an -extraordinary degree; but that when it came to Little Tafflin, he -had resolved to win that woman or perish in the attempt. - -It was between ten and eleven o'clock when Mrs. Micawber rose to -replace her cap in the whitey-brown paper parcel, and to put on her -bonnet. Mr. Micawber took the opportunity of Traddles putting on -his great-coat, to slip a letter into my hand, with a whispered -request that I would read it at my leisure. I also took the -opportunity of my holding a candle over the banisters to light them -down, when Mr. Micawber was going first, leading Mrs. Micawber, and -Traddles was following with the cap, to detain Traddles for a -moment on the top of the stairs. - -'Traddles,' said I, 'Mr. Micawber don't mean any harm, poor fellow: -but, if I were you, I wouldn't lend him anything.' - -'My dear Copperfield,' returned Traddles, smiling, 'I haven't got -anything to lend.' - -'You have got a name, you know,' said I. - -'Oh! You call THAT something to lend?' returned Traddles, with a -thoughtful look. - -'Certainly.' - -'Oh!' said Traddles. 'Yes, to be sure! I am very much obliged to -you, Copperfield; but - I am afraid I have lent him that already.' - -'For the bill that is to be a certain investment?' I inquired. - -'No,' said Traddles. 'Not for that one. This is the first I have -heard of that one. I have been thinking that he will most likely -propose that one, on the way home. Mine's another.' - -'I hope there will be nothing wrong about it,' said I. -'I hope not,' said Traddles. 'I should think not, though, because -he told me, only the other day, that it was provided for. That was -Mr. Micawber's expression, "Provided for."' - -Mr. Micawber looking up at this juncture to where we were standing, -I had only time to repeat my caution. Traddles thanked me, and -descended. But I was much afraid, when I observed the good-natured -manner in which he went down with the cap in his hand, and gave -Mrs. Micawber his arm, that he would be carried into the Money -Market neck and heels. - -I returned to my fireside, and was musing, half gravely and half -laughing, on the character of Mr. Micawber and the old relations -between us, when I heard a quick step ascending the stairs. At -first, I thought it was Traddles coming back for something Mrs. -Micawber had left behind; but as the step approached, I knew it, -and felt my heart beat high, and the blood rush to my face, for it -was Steerforth's. - -I was never unmindful of Agnes, and she never left that sanctuary -in my thoughts - if I may call it so - where I had placed her from -the first. But when he entered, and stood before me with his hand -out, the darkness that had fallen on him changed to light, and I -felt confounded and ashamed of having doubted one I loved so -heartily. I loved her none the less; I thought of her as the same -benignant, gentle angel in my life; I reproached myself, not her, -with having done him an injury; and I would have made him any -atonement if I had known what to make, and how to make it. - -'Why, Daisy, old boy, dumb-foundered!' laughed Steerforth, shaking -my hand heartily, and throwing it gaily away. 'Have I detected you -in another feast, you Sybarite! These Doctors' Commons fellows are -the gayest men in town, I believe, and beat us sober Oxford people -all to nothing!' His bright glance went merrily round the room, as -he took the seat on the sofa opposite to me, which Mrs. Micawber -had recently vacated, and stirred the fire into a blaze. - -'I was so surprised at first,' said I, giving him welcome with all -the cordiality I felt, 'that I had hardly breath to greet you with, -Steerforth.' - -'Well, the sight of me is good for sore eyes, as the Scotch say,' -replied Steerforth, 'and so is the sight of you, Daisy, in full -bloom. How are you, my Bacchanal?' - -'I am very well,' said I; 'and not at all Bacchanalian tonight, -though I confess to another party of three.' - -'All of whom I met in the street, talking loud in your praise,' -returned Steerforth. 'Who's our friend in the tights?' - -I gave him the best idea I could, in a few words, of Mr. Micawber. -He laughed heartily at my feeble portrait of that gentleman, and -said he was a man to know, and he must know him. -'But who do you suppose our other friend is?' said I, in my turn. - -'Heaven knows,' said Steerforth. 'Not a bore, I hope? I thought -he looked a little like one.' - -'Traddles!' I replied, triumphantly. - -'Who's he?' asked Steerforth, in his careless way. - -'Don't you remember Traddles? Traddles in our room at Salem -House?' - -'Oh! That fellow!' said Steerforth, beating a lump of coal on the -top of the fire, with the poker. 'Is he as soft as ever? And -where the deuce did you pick him up?' - -I extolled Traddles in reply, as highly as I could; for I felt that -Steerforth rather slighted him. Steerforth, dismissing the subject -with a light nod, and a smile, and the remark that he would be glad -to see the old fellow too, for he had always been an odd fish, -inquired if I could give him anything to eat? During most of this -short dialogue, when he had not been speaking in a wild vivacious -manner, he had sat idly beating on the lump of coal with the poker. -I observed that he did the same thing while I was getting out the -remains of the pigeon-pie, and so forth. - -'Why, Daisy, here's a supper for a king!' he exclaimed, starting -out of his silence with a burst, and taking his seat at the table. -'I shall do it justice, for I have come from Yarmouth.' - -'I thought you came from Oxford?' I returned. - -'Not I,' said Steerforth. 'I have been seafaring - better -employed.' - -'Littimer was here today, to inquire for you,' I remarked, 'and I -understood him that you were at Oxford; though, now I think of it, -he certainly did not say so.' - -'Littimer is a greater fool than I thought him, to have been -inquiring for me at all,' said Steerforth, jovially pouring out a -glass of wine, and drinking to me. 'As to understanding him, you -are a cleverer fellow than most of us, Daisy, if you can do that.' - -'That's true, indeed,' said I, moving my chair to the table. 'So -you have been at Yarmouth, Steerforth!' interested to know all -about it. 'Have you been there long?' - -'No,' he returned. 'An escapade of a week or so.' - -'And how are they all? Of course, little Emily is not married -yet?' - -'Not yet. Going to be, I believe - in so many weeks, or months, or -something or other. I have not seen much of 'em. By the by'; he -laid down his knife and fork, which he had been using with great -diligence, and began feeling in his pockets; 'I have a letter for -you.' - -'From whom?' - -'Why, from your old nurse,' he returned, taking some papers out of -his breast pocket. "'J. Steerforth, Esquire, debtor, to The -Willing Mind"; that's not it. Patience, and we'll find it -presently. Old what's-his-name's in a bad way, and it's about -that, I believe.' - -'Barkis, do you mean?' - -'Yes!' still feeling in his pockets, and looking over their -contents: 'it's all over with poor Barkis, I am afraid. I saw a -little apothecary there - surgeon, or whatever he is - who brought -your worship into the world. He was mighty learned about the case, -to me; but the upshot of his opinion was, that the carrier was -making his last journey rather fast. - Put your hand into the -breast pocket of my great-coat on the chair yonder, and I think -you'll find the letter. Is it there?' - -'Here it is!' said I. - -'That's right!' - -It was from Peggotty; something less legible than usual, and brief. -It informed me of her husband's hopeless state, and hinted at his -being 'a little nearer' than heretofore, and consequently more -difficult to manage for his own comfort. It said nothing of her -weariness and watching, and praised him highly. It was written -with a plain, unaffected, homely piety that I knew to be genuine, -and ended with 'my duty to my ever darling' - meaning myself. - -While I deciphered it, Steerforth continued to eat and drink. - -'It's a bad job,' he said, when I had done; 'but the sun sets every -day, and people die every minute, and we mustn't be scared by the -common lot. If we failed to hold our own, because that equal foot -at all men's doors was heard knocking somewhere, every object in -this world would slip from us. No! Ride on! Rough-shod if need -be, smooth-shod if that will do, but ride on! Ride on over all -obstacles, and win the race!' - -'And win what race?' said I. - -'The race that one has started in,' said he. 'Ride on!' - -I noticed, I remember, as he paused, looking at me with his -handsome head a little thrown back, and his glass raised in his -hand, that, though the freshness of the sea-wind was on his face, -and it was ruddy, there were traces in it, made since I last saw -it, as if he had applied himself to some habitual strain of the -fervent energy which, when roused, was so passionately roused -within him. I had it in my thoughts to remonstrate with him upon -his desperate way of pursuing any fancy that he took - such as this -buffeting of rough seas, and braving of hard weather, for example -- when my mind glanced off to the immediate subject of our -conversation again, and pursued that instead. - -'I tell you what, Steerforth,' said I, 'if your high spirits will -listen to me -' - -'They are potent spirits, and will do whatever you like,' he -answered, moving from the table to the fireside again. - -'Then I tell you what, Steerforth. I think I will go down and see -my old nurse. It is not that I can do her any good, or render her -any real service; but she is so attached to me that my visit will -have as much effect on her, as if I could do both. She will take -it so kindly that it will be a comfort and support to her. It is -no great effort to make, I am sure, for such a friend as she has -been to me. Wouldn't you go a day's journey, if you were in my -place?' - -His face was thoughtful, and he sat considering a little before he -answered, in a low voice, 'Well! Go. You can do no harm.' - -'You have just come back,' said I, 'and it would be in vain to ask -you to go with me?' - -'Quite,' he returned. 'I am for Highgate tonight. I have not seen -my mother this long time, and it lies upon my conscience, for it's -something to be loved as she loves her prodigal son. - Bah! -Nonsense! - You mean to go tomorrow, I suppose?' he said, holding -me out at arm's length, with a hand on each of my shoulders. - -'Yes, I think so.' - -'Well, then, don't go till next day. I wanted you to come and stay -a few days with us. Here I am, on purpose to bid you, and you fly -off to Yarmouth!' - -'You are a nice fellow to talk of flying off, Steerforth, who are -always running wild on some unknown expedition or other!' - -He looked at me for a moment without speaking, and then rejoined, -still holding me as before, and giving me a shake: - -'Come! Say the next day, and pass as much of tomorrow as you can -with us! Who knows when we may meet again, else? Come! Say the -next day! I want you to stand between Rosa Dartle and me, and keep -us asunder.' - -'Would you love each other too much, without me?' - -'Yes; or hate,' laughed Steerforth; 'no matter which. Come! Say -the next day!' - -I said the next day; and he put on his great-coat and lighted his -cigar, and set off to walk home. Finding him in this intention, I -put on my own great-coat (but did not light my own cigar, having -had enough of that for one while) and walked with him as far as the -open road: a dull road, then, at night. He was in great spirits -all the way; and when we parted, and I looked after him going so -gallantly and airily homeward, I thought of his saying, 'Ride on -over all obstacles, and win the race!' and wished, for the first -time, that he had some worthy race to run. - -I was undressing in my own room, when Mr. Micawber's letter tumbled -on the floor. Thus reminded of it, I broke the seal and read as -follows. It was dated an hour and a half before dinner. I am not -sure whether I have mentioned that, when Mr. Micawber was at any -particularly desperate crisis, he used a sort of legal phraseology, -which he seemed to think equivalent to winding up his affairs. - - -'SIR - for I dare not say my dear Copperfield, - -'It is expedient that I should inform you that the undersigned is -Crushed. Some flickering efforts to spare you the premature -knowledge of his calamitous position, you may observe in him this -day; but hope has sunk beneath the horizon, and the undersigned is -Crushed. - -'The present communication is penned within the personal range (I -cannot call it the society) of an individual, in a state closely -bordering on intoxication, employed by a broker. That individual -is in legal possession of the premises, under a distress for rent. -His inventory includes, not only the chattels and effects of every -description belonging to the undersigned, as yearly tenant of this -habitation, but also those appertaining to Mr. Thomas Traddles, -lodger, a member of the Honourable Society of the Inner Temple. - -'If any drop of gloom were wanting in the overflowing cup, which is -now "commended" (in the language of an immortal Writer) to the lips -of the undersigned, it would be found in the fact, that a friendly -acceptance granted to the undersigned, by the before-mentioned Mr. -Thomas Traddles, for the sum Of 23l 4s 9 1/2d is over due, and is -NOT provided for. Also, in the fact that the living -responsibilities clinging to the undersigned will, in the course of -nature, be increased by the sum of one more helpless victim; whose -miserable appearance may be looked for - in round numbers - at the -expiration of a period not exceeding six lunar months from the -present date. - -'After premising thus much, it would be a work of supererogation to -add, that dust and ashes are for ever scattered - - 'On - 'The - 'Head - 'Of - 'WILKINS MICAWBER.' - - -Poor Traddles! I knew enough of Mr. Micawber by this time, to -foresee that he might be expected to recover the blow; but my -night's rest was sorely distressed by thoughts of Traddles, and of -the curate's daughter, who was one of ten, down in Devonshire, and -who was such a dear girl, and who would wait for Traddles (ominous -praise!) until she was sixty, or any age that could be mentioned. - - - -CHAPTER 29 -I VISIT STEERFORTH AT HIS HOME, AGAIN - - -I mentioned to Mr. Spenlow in the morning, that I wanted leave of -absence for a short time; and as I was not in the receipt of any -salary, and consequently was not obnoxious to the implacable -Jorkins, there was no difficulty about it. I took that -opportunity, with my voice sticking in my throat, and my sight -failing as I uttered the words, to express my hope that Miss -Spenlow was quite well; to which Mr. Spenlow replied, with no more -emotion than if he had been speaking of an ordinary human being, -that he was much obliged to me, and she was very well. - -We articled clerks, as germs of the patrician order of proctors, -were treated with so much consideration, that I was almost my own -master at all times. As I did not care, however, to get to -Highgate before one or two o'clock in the day, and as we had -another little excommunication case in court that morning, which -was called The office of the judge promoted by Tipkins against -Bullock for his soul's correction, I passed an hour or two in -attendance on it with Mr. Spenlow very agreeably. It arose out of -a scuffle between two churchwardens, one of whom was alleged to -have pushed the other against a pump; the handle of which pump -projecting into a school-house, which school-house was under a -gable of the church-roof, made the push an ecclesiastical offence. -It was an amusing case; and sent me up to Highgate, on the box of -the stage-coach, thinking about the Commons, and what Mr. Spenlow -had said about touching the Commons and bringing down the country. - -Mrs. Steerforth was pleased to see me, and so was Rosa Dartle. I -was agreeably surprised to find that Littimer was not there, and -that we were attended by a modest little parlour-maid, with blue -ribbons in her cap, whose eye it was much more pleasant, and much -less disconcerting, to catch by accident, than the eye of that -respectable man. But what I particularly observed, before I had -been half-an-hour in the house, was the close and attentive watch -Miss Dartle kept upon me; and the lurking manner in which she -seemed to compare my face with Steerforth's, and Steerforth's with -mine, and to lie in wait for something to come out between the two. -So surely as I looked towards her, did I see that eager visage, -with its gaunt black eyes and searching brow, intent on mine; or -passing suddenly from mine to Steerforth's; or comprehending both -of us at once. In this lynx-like scrutiny she was so far from -faltering when she saw I observed it, that at such a time she only -fixed her piercing look upon me with a more intent expression -still. Blameless as I was, and knew that I was, in reference to -any wrong she could possibly suspect me of, I shrunk before her -strange eyes, quite unable to endure their hungry lustre. - -All day, she seemed to pervade the whole house. If I talked to -Steerforth in his room, I heard her dress rustle in the little -gallery outside. When he and I engaged in some of our old -exercises on the lawn behind the house, I saw her face pass from -window to window, like a wandering light, until it fixed itself in -one, and watched us. When we all four went out walking in the -afternoon, she closed her thin hand on my arm like a spring, to -keep me back, while Steerforth and his mother went on out of -hearing: and then spoke to me. - -'You have been a long time,' she said, 'without coming here. Is -your profession really so engaging and interesting as to absorb -your whole attention? I ask because I always want to be informed, -when I am ignorant. Is it really, though?' - -I replied that I liked it well enough, but that I certainly could -not claim so much for it. - -'Oh! I am glad to know that, because I always like to be put right -when I am wrong,' said Rosa Dartle. 'You mean it is a little dry, -perhaps?' - -'Well,' I replied; 'perhaps it was a little dry.' - -'Oh! and that's a reason why you want relief and change - -excitement and all that?' said she. 'Ah! very true! But isn't it -a little - Eh? - for him; I don't mean you?' - -A quick glance of her eye towards the spot where Steerforth was -walking, with his mother leaning on his arm, showed me whom she -meant; but beyond that, I was quite lost. And I looked so, I have -no doubt. - -'Don't it - I don't say that it does, mind I want to know - don't -it rather engross him? Don't it make him, perhaps, a little more -remiss than usual in his visits to his blindly-doting - eh?' With -another quick glance at them, and such a glance at me as seemed to -look into my innermost thoughts. - -'Miss Dartle,' I returned, 'pray do not think -' - -'I don't!' she said. 'Oh dear me, don't suppose that I think -anything! I am not suspicious. I only ask a question. I don't -state any opinion. I want to found an opinion on what you tell me. -Then, it's not so? Well! I am very glad to know it.' - -'It certainly is not the fact,' said I, perplexed, 'that I am -accountable for Steerforth's having been away from home longer than -usual - if he has been: which I really don't know at this moment, -unless I understand it from you. I have not seen him this long -while, until last night.' - -'No?' - -'Indeed, Miss Dartle, no!' - -As she looked full at me, I saw her face grow sharper and paler, -and the marks of the old wound lengthen out until it cut through -the disfigured lip, and deep into the nether lip, and slanted down -the face. There was something positively awful to me in this, and -in the brightness of her eyes, as she said, looking fixedly at me: - -'What is he doing?' - -I repeated the words, more to myself than her, being so amazed. - -'What is he doing?' she said, with an eagerness that seemed enough -to consume her like a fire. 'In what is that man assisting him, -who never looks at me without an inscrutable falsehood in his eyes? -If you are honourable and faithful, I don't ask you to betray your -friend. I ask you only to tell me, is it anger, is it hatred, is -it pride, is it restlessness, is it some wild fancy, is it love, -what is it, that is leading him?' - -'Miss Dartle,' I returned, 'how shall I tell you, so that you will -believe me, that I know of nothing in Steerforth different from -what there was when I first came here? I can think of nothing. I -firmly believe there is nothing. I hardly understand even what you -mean.' - -As she still stood looking fixedly at me, a twitching or throbbing, -from which I could not dissociate the idea of pain, came into that -cruel mark; and lifted up the corner of her lip as if with scorn, -or with a pity that despised its object. She put her hand upon it -hurriedly - a hand so thin and delicate, that when I had seen her -hold it up before the fire to shade her face, I had compared it in -my thoughts to fine porcelain - and saying, in a quick, fierce, -passionate way, 'I swear you to secrecy about this!' said not a -word more. - -Mrs. Steerforth was particularly happy in her son's society, and -Steerforth was, on this occasion, particularly attentive and -respectful to her. It was very interesting to me to see them -together, not only on account of their mutual affection, but -because of the strong personal resemblance between them, and the -manner in which what was haughty or impetuous in him was softened -by age and sex, in her, to a gracious dignity. I thought, more -than once, that it was well no serious cause of division had ever -come between them; or two such natures - I ought rather to express -it, two such shades of the same nature - might have been harder to -reconcile than the two extremest opposites in creation. The idea -did not originate in my own discernment, I am bound to confess, but -in a speech of Rosa Dartle's. - -She said at dinner: - -'Oh, but do tell me, though, somebody, because I have been thinking -about it all day, and I want to know.' - -'You want to know what, Rosa?' returned Mrs. Steerforth. 'Pray, -pray, Rosa, do not be mysterious.' - -'Mysterious!' she cried. 'Oh! really? Do you consider me so?' - -'Do I constantly entreat you,' said Mrs. Steerforth, 'to speak -plainly, in your own natural manner?' - -'Oh! then this is not my natural manner?' she rejoined. 'Now you -must really bear with me, because I ask for information. We never -know ourselves.' - -'It has become a second nature,' said Mrs. Steerforth, without any -displeasure; 'but I remember, - and so must you, I think, - when -your manner was different, Rosa; when it was not so guarded, and -was more trustful.' - -'I am sure you are right,' she returned; 'and so it is that bad -habits grow upon one! Really? Less guarded and more trustful? -How can I, imperceptibly, have changed, I wonder! Well, that's -very odd! I must study to regain my former self.' - -'I wish you would,' said Mrs. Steerforth, with a smile. - -'Oh! I really will, you know!' she answered. 'I will learn -frankness from - let me see - from James.' - -'You cannot learn frankness, Rosa,' said Mrs. Steerforth quickly - -for there was always some effect of sarcasm in what Rosa Dartle -said, though it was said, as this was, in the most unconscious -manner in the world - 'in a better school.' - -'That I am sure of,' she answered, with uncommon fervour. 'If I am -sure of anything, of course, you know, I am sure of that.' - -Mrs. Steerforth appeared to me to regret having been a little -nettled; for she presently said, in a kind tone: - -'Well, my dear Rosa, we have not heard what it is that you want to -be satisfied about?' - -'That I want to be satisfied about?' she replied, with provoking -coldness. 'Oh! It was only whether people, who are like each -other in their moral constitution - is that the phrase?' - -'It's as good a phrase as another,' said Steerforth. - -'Thank you: - whether people, who are like each other in their -moral constitution, are in greater danger than people not so -circumstanced, supposing any serious cause of variance to arise -between them, of being divided angrily and deeply?' - -'I should say yes,' said Steerforth. - -'Should you?' she retorted. 'Dear me! Supposing then, for -instance - any unlikely thing will do for a supposition - that you -and your mother were to have a serious quarrel.' - -'My dear Rosa,' interposed Mrs. Steerforth, laughing -good-naturedly, 'suggest some other supposition! James and I know -our duty to each other better, I pray Heaven!' - -'Oh!' said Miss Dartle, nodding her head thoughtfully. 'To be -sure. That would prevent it? Why, of course it would. Exactly. -Now, I am glad I have been so foolish as to put the case, for it is -so very good to know that your duty to each other would prevent it! -Thank you very much.' - -One other little circumstance connected with Miss Dartle I must not -omit; for I had reason to remember it thereafter, when all the -irremediable past was rendered plain. During the whole of this -day, but especially from this period of it, Steerforth exerted -himself with his utmost skill, and that was with his utmost ease, -to charm this singular creature into a pleasant and pleased -companion. That he should succeed, was no matter of surprise to -me. That she should struggle against the fascinating influence of -his delightful art - delightful nature I thought it then - did not -surprise me either; for I knew that she was sometimes jaundiced and -perverse. I saw her features and her manner slowly change; I saw -her look at him with growing admiration; I saw her try, more and -more faintly, but always angrily, as if she condemned a weakness in -herself, to resist the captivating power that he possessed; and -finally, I saw her sharp glance soften, and her smile become quite -gentle, and I ceased to be afraid of her as I had really been all -day, and we all sat about the fire, talking and laughing together, -with as little reserve as if we had been children. - -Whether it was because we had sat there so long, or because -Steerforth was resolved not to lose the advantage he had gained, I -do not know; but we did not remain in the dining-room more than -five minutes after her departure. 'She is playing her harp,' said -Steerforth, softly, at the drawing-room door, 'and nobody but my -mother has heard her do that, I believe, these three years.' He -said it with a curious smile, which was gone directly; and we went -into the room and found her alone. - -'Don't get up,' said Steerforth (which she had already done)' my -dear Rosa, don't! Be kind for once, and sing us an Irish song.' - -'What do you care for an Irish song?' she returned. - -'Much!' said Steerforth. 'Much more than for any other. Here is -Daisy, too, loves music from his soul. Sing us an Irish song, -Rosa! and let me sit and listen as I used to do.' - -He did not touch her, or the chair from which she had risen, but -sat himself near the harp. She stood beside it for some little -while, in a curious way, going through the motion of playing it -with her right hand, but not sounding it. At length she sat down, -and drew it to her with one sudden action, and played and sang. - -I don't know what it was, in her touch or voice, that made that -song the most unearthly I have ever heard in my life, or can -imagine. There was something fearful in the reality of it. It was -as if it had never been written, or set to music, but sprung out of -passion within her; which found imperfect utterance in the low -sounds of her voice, and crouched again when all was still. I was -dumb when she leaned beside the harp again, playing it, but not -sounding it, with her right hand. - -A minute more, and this had roused me from my trance: - Steerforth -had left his seat, and gone to her, and had put his arm laughingly -about her, and had said, 'Come, Rosa, for the future we will love -each other very much!' And she had struck him, and had thrown him -off with the fury of a wild cat, and had burst out of the room. - -'What is the matter with Rosa?' said Mrs. Steerforth, coming in. - -'She has been an angel, mother,' returned Steerforth, 'for a little -while; and has run into the opposite extreme, since, by way of -compensation.' - -'You should be careful not to irritate her, James. Her temper has -been soured, remember, and ought not to be tried.' - -Rosa did not come back; and no other mention was made of her, until -I went with Steerforth into his room to say Good night. Then he -laughed about her, and asked me if I had ever seen such a fierce -little piece of incomprehensibility. - -I expressed as much of my astonishment as was then capable of -expression, and asked if he could guess what it was that she had -taken so much amiss, so suddenly. - -'Oh, Heaven knows,' said Steerforth. 'Anything you like - or -nothing! I told you she took everything, herself included, to a -grindstone, and sharpened it. She is an edge-tool, and requires -great care in dealing with. She is always dangerous. Good night!' - -'Good night!' said I, 'my dear Steerforth! I shall be gone before -you wake in the morning. Good night!' - -He was unwilling to let me go; and stood, holding me out, with a -hand on each of my shoulders, as he had done in my own room. - -'Daisy,' he said, with a smile - 'for though that's not the name -your godfathers and godmothers gave you, it's the name I like best -to call you by - and I wish, I wish, I wish, you could give it to -me!' - -'Why so I can, if I choose,' said I. - -'Daisy, if anything should ever separate us, you must think of me -at my best, old boy. Come! Let us make that bargain. Think of me -at my best, if circumstances should ever part us!' - -'You have no best to me, Steerforth,' said I, 'and no worst. You -are always equally loved, and cherished in my heart.' - -So much compunction for having ever wronged him, even by a -shapeless thought, did I feel within me, that the confession of -having done so was rising to my lips. But for the reluctance I had -to betray the confidence of Agnes, but for my uncertainty how to -approach the subject with no risk of doing so, it would have -reached them before he said, 'God bless you, Daisy, and good -night!' In my doubt, it did NOT reach them; and we shook hands, and -we parted. - -I was up with the dull dawn, and, having dressed as quietly as I -could, looked into his room. He was fast asleep; lying, easily, -with his head upon his arm, as I had often seen him lie at school. - -The time came in its season, and that was very soon, when I almost -wondered that nothing troubled his repose, as I looked at him. But -he slept - let me think of him so again - as I had often seen him -sleep at school; and thus, in this silent hour, I left him. - -- Never more, oh God forgive you, Steerforth! to touch that passive -hand in love and friendship. Never, never more! - - - -CHAPTER 30 -A LOSS - - -I got down to Yarmouth in the evening, and went to the inn. I knew -that Peggotty's spare room - my room - was likely to have -occupation enough in a little while, if that great Visitor, before -whose presence all the living must give place, were not already in -the house; so I betook myself to the inn, and dined there, and -engaged my bed. - -It was ten o'clock when I went out. Many of the shops were shut, -and the town was dull. When I came to Omer and Joram's, I found -the shutters up, but the shop door standing open. As I could -obtain a perspective view of Mr. Omer inside, smoking his pipe by -the parlour door, I entered, and asked him how he was. - -'Why, bless my life and soul!' said Mr. Omer, 'how do you find -yourself? Take a seat. - Smoke not disagreeable, I hope?' - -'By no means,' said I. 'I like it - in somebody else's pipe.' - -'What, not in your own, eh?' Mr. Omer returned, laughing. 'All the -better, sir. Bad habit for a young man. Take a seat. I smoke, -myself, for the asthma.' - -Mr. Omer had made room for me, and placed a chair. He now sat down -again very much out of breath, gasping at his pipe as if it -contained a supply of that necessary, without which he must perish. - -'I am sorry to have heard bad news of Mr. Barkis,' said I. - -Mr. Omer looked at me, with a steady countenance, and shook his -head. - -'Do you know how he is tonight?' I asked. - -'The very question I should have put to you, sir,' returned Mr. -Omer, 'but on account of delicacy. It's one of the drawbacks of -our line of business. When a party's ill, we can't ask how the -party is.' - -The difficulty had not occurred to me; though I had had my -apprehensions too, when I went in, of hearing the old tune. On its -being mentioned, I recognized it, however, and said as much. - -'Yes, yes, you understand,' said Mr. Omer, nodding his head. 'We -dursn't do it. Bless you, it would be a shock that the generality -of parties mightn't recover, to say "Omer and Joram's compliments, -and how do you find yourself this morning?" - or this afternoon - -as it may be.' - -Mr. Omer and I nodded at each other, and Mr. Omer recruited his -wind by the aid of his pipe. - -'It's one of the things that cut the trade off from attentions they -could often wish to show,' said Mr. Omer. 'Take myself. If I have -known Barkis a year, to move to as he went by, I have known him -forty years. But I can't go and say, "how is he?"' - -I felt it was rather hard on Mr. Omer, and I told him so. - -'I'm not more self-interested, I hope, than another man,' said Mr. -Omer. 'Look at me! My wind may fail me at any moment, and it -ain't likely that, to my own knowledge, I'd be self-interested -under such circumstances. I say it ain't likely, in a man who -knows his wind will go, when it DOES go, as if a pair of bellows -was cut open; and that man a grandfather,' said Mr. Omer. - -I said, 'Not at all.' - -'It ain't that I complain of my line of business,' said Mr. Omer. -'It ain't that. Some good and some bad goes, no doubt, to all -callings. What I wish is, that parties was brought up -stronger-minded.' - -Mr. Omer, with a very complacent and amiable face, took several -puffs in silence; and then said, resuming his first point: - -'Accordingly we're obleeged, in ascertaining how Barkis goes on, to -limit ourselves to Em'ly. She knows what our real objects are, and -she don't have any more alarms or suspicions about us, than if we -was so many lambs. Minnie and Joram have just stepped down to the -house, in fact (she's there, after hours, helping her aunt a bit), -to ask her how he is tonight; and if you was to please to wait till -they come back, they'd give you full partic'lers. Will you take -something? A glass of srub and water, now? I smoke on srub and -water, myself,' said Mr. Omer, taking up his glass, 'because it's -considered softening to the passages, by which this troublesome -breath of mine gets into action. But, Lord bless you,' said Mr. -Omer, huskily, 'it ain't the passages that's out of order! "Give -me breath enough," said I to my daughter Minnie, "and I'll find -passages, my dear."' - -He really had no breath to spare, and it was very alarming to see -him laugh. When he was again in a condition to be talked to, I -thanked him for the proffered refreshment, which I declined, as I -had just had dinner; and, observing that I would wait, since he was -so good as to invite me, until his daughter and his son-in-law came -back, I inquired how little Emily was? - -'Well, sir,' said Mr. Omer, removing his pipe, that he might rub -his chin: 'I tell you truly, I shall be glad when her marriage has -taken place.' - -'Why so?' I inquired. - -'Well, she's unsettled at present,' said Mr. Omer. 'It ain't that -she's not as pretty as ever, for she's prettier - I do assure you, -she is prettier. It ain't that she don't work as well as ever, for -she does. She WAS worth any six, and she IS worth any six. But -somehow she wants heart. If you understand,' said Mr. Omer, after -rubbing his chin again, and smoking a little, 'what I mean in a -general way by the expression, "A long pull, and a strong pull, and -a pull altogether, my hearties, hurrah!" I should say to you, that -that was - in a general way - what I miss in Em'ly.' - -Mr. Omer's face and manner went for so much, that I could -conscientiously nod my head, as divining his meaning. My quickness -of apprehension seemed to please him, and he went on: -'Now I consider this is principally on account of her being in an -unsettled state, you see. We have talked it over a good deal, her -uncle and myself, and her sweetheart and myself, after business; -and I consider it is principally on account of her being unsettled. -You must always recollect of Em'ly,' said Mr. Omer, shaking his -head gently, 'that she's a most extraordinary affectionate little -thing. The proverb says, "You can't make a silk purse out of a -sow's ear." Well, I don't know about that. I rather think you may, -if you begin early in life. She has made a home out of that old -boat, sir, that stone and marble couldn't beat.' - -'I am sure she has!' said I. - -'To see the clinging of that pretty little thing to her uncle,' -said Mr. Omer; 'to see the way she holds on to him, tighter and -tighter, and closer and closer, every day, is to see a sight. Now, -you know, there's a struggle going on when that's the case. Why -should it be made a longer one than is needful?' - -I listened attentively to the good old fellow, and acquiesced, with -all my heart, in what he said. - -'Therefore, I mentioned to them,' said Mr. Omer, in a comfortable, -easy-going tone, 'this. I said, "Now, don't consider Em'ly nailed -down in point of time, at all. Make it your own time. Her -services have been more valuable than was supposed; her learning -has been quicker than was supposed; Omer and Joram can run their -pen through what remains; and she's free when you wish. If she -likes to make any little arrangement, afterwards, in the way of -doing any little thing for us at home, very well. If she don't, -very well still. We're no losers, anyhow." For - don't you see,' -said Mr. Omer, touching me with his pipe, 'it ain't likely that a -man so short of breath as myself, and a grandfather too, would go -and strain points with a little bit of a blue-eyed blossom, like -her?' - -'Not at all, I am certain,' said I. - -'Not at all! You're right!' said Mr. Omer. 'Well, sir, her cousin -- you know it's a cousin she's going to be married to?' - -'Oh yes,' I replied. 'I know him well.' - -'Of course you do,' said Mr. Omer. 'Well, sir! Her cousin being, -as it appears, in good work, and well to do, thanked me in a very -manly sort of manner for this (conducting himself altogether, I -must say, in a way that gives me a high opinion of him), and went -and took as comfortable a little house as you or I could wish to -clap eyes on. That little house is now furnished right through, as -neat and complete as a doll's parlour; and but for Barkis's illness -having taken this bad turn, poor fellow, they would have been man -and wife - I dare say, by this time. As it is, there's a -postponement.' - -'And Emily, Mr. Omer?' I inquired. 'Has she become more settled?' - -'Why that, you know,' he returned, rubbing his double chin again, -'can't naturally be expected. The prospect of the change and -separation, and all that, is, as one may say, close to her and far -away from her, both at once. Barkis's death needn't put it off -much, but his lingering might. Anyway, it's an uncertain state of -matters, you see.' - -'I see,' said I. - -'Consequently,' pursued Mr. Omer, 'Em'ly's still a little down, and -a little fluttered; perhaps, upon the whole, she's more so than she -was. Every day she seems to get fonder and fonder of her uncle, -and more loth to part from all of us. A kind word from me brings -the tears into her eyes; and if you was to see her with my daughter -Minnie's little girl, you'd never forget it. Bless my heart -alive!' said Mr. Omer, pondering, 'how she loves that child!' - -Having so favourable an opportunity, it occurred to me to ask Mr. -Omer, before our conversation should be interrupted by the return -of his daughter and her husband, whether he knew anything of -Martha. - -'Ah!' he rejoined, shaking his head, and looking very much -dejected. 'No good. A sad story, sir, however you come to know -it. I never thought there was harm in the girl. I wouldn't wish -to mention it before my daughter Minnie - for she'd take me up -directly - but I never did. None of us ever did.' - -Mr. Omer, hearing his daughter's footstep before I heard it, -touched me with his pipe, and shut up one eye, as a caution. She -and her husband came in immediately afterwards. - -Their report was, that Mr. Barkis was 'as bad as bad could be'; -that he was quite unconscious; and that Mr. Chillip had mournfully -said in the kitchen, on going away just now, that the College of -Physicians, the College of Surgeons, and Apothecaries' Hall, if -they were all called in together, couldn't help him. He was past -both Colleges, Mr. Chillip said, and the Hall could only poison -him. - -Hearing this, and learning that Mr. Peggotty was there, I -determined to go to the house at once. I bade good night to Mr. -Omer, and to Mr. and Mrs. Joram; and directed my steps thither, -with a solemn feeling, which made Mr. Barkis quite a new and -different creature. - -My low tap at the door was answered by Mr. Peggotty. He was not so -much surprised to see me as I had expected. I remarked this in -Peggotty, too, when she came down; and I have seen it since; and I -think, in the expectation of that dread surprise, all other changes -and surprises dwindle into nothing. - -I shook hands with Mr. Peggotty, and passed into the kitchen, while -he softly closed the door. Little Emily was sitting by the fire, -with her hands before her face. Ham was standing near her. - -We spoke in whispers; listening, between whiles, for any sound in -the room above. I had not thought of it on the occasion of my last -visit, but how strange it was to me, now, to miss Mr. Barkis out of -the kitchen! - -'This is very kind of you, Mas'r Davy,' said Mr. Peggotty. - -'It's oncommon kind,' said Ham. - -'Em'ly, my dear,' cried Mr. Peggotty. 'See here! Here's Mas'r -Davy come! What, cheer up, pretty! Not a wured to Mas'r Davy?' - -There was a trembling upon her, that I can see now. The coldness -of her hand when I touched it, I can feel yet. Its only sign of -animation was to shrink from mine; and then she glided from the -chair, and creeping to the other side of her uncle, bowed herself, -silently and trembling still, upon his breast. - -'It's such a loving art,' said Mr. Peggotty, smoothing her rich -hair with his great hard hand, 'that it can't abear the sorrer of -this. It's nat'ral in young folk, Mas'r Davy, when they're new to -these here trials, and timid, like my little bird, - it's nat'ral.' - -She clung the closer to him, but neither lifted up her face, nor -spoke a word. - -'It's getting late, my dear,' said Mr. Peggotty, 'and here's Ham -come fur to take you home. Theer! Go along with t'other loving -art! What' Em'ly? Eh, my pretty?' - -The sound of her voice had not reached me, but he bent his head as -if he listened to her, and then said: - -'Let you stay with your uncle? Why, you doen't mean to ask me -that! Stay with your uncle, Moppet? When your husband that'll be -so soon, is here fur to take you home? Now a person wouldn't think -it, fur to see this little thing alongside a rough-weather chap -like me,' said Mr. Peggotty, looking round at both of us, with -infinite pride; 'but the sea ain't more salt in it than she has -fondness in her for her uncle - a foolish little Em'ly!' - -'Em'ly's in the right in that, Mas'r Davy!' said Ham. 'Lookee -here! As Em'ly wishes of it, and as she's hurried and frightened, -like, besides, I'll leave her till morning. Let me stay too!' - -'No, no,' said Mr. Peggotty. 'You doen't ought - a married man -like you - or what's as good - to take and hull away a day's work. -And you doen't ought to watch and work both. That won't do. You -go home and turn in. You ain't afeerd of Em'ly not being took good -care on, I know.' - -Ham yielded to this persuasion, and took his hat to go. Even when -he kissed her - and I never saw him approach her, but I felt that -nature had given him the soul of a gentleman - she seemed to cling -closer to her uncle, even to the avoidance of her chosen husband. -I shut the door after him, that it might cause no disturbance of -the quiet that prevailed; and when I turned back, I found Mr. -Peggotty still talking to her. - -'Now, I'm a going upstairs to tell your aunt as Mas'r Davy's here, -and that'll cheer her up a bit,' he said. 'Sit ye down by the -fire, the while, my dear, and warm those mortal cold hands. You -doen't need to be so fearsome, and take on so much. What? You'll -go along with me? - Well! come along with me - come! If her uncle -was turned out of house and home, and forced to lay down in a dyke, -Mas'r Davy,' said Mr. Peggotty, with no less pride than before, -'it's my belief she'd go along with him, now! But there'll be -someone else, soon, - someone else, soon, Em'ly!' - -Afterwards, when I went upstairs, as I passed the door of my little -chamber, which was dark, I had an indistinct impression of her -being within it, cast down upon the floor. But, whether it was -really she, or whether it was a confusion of the shadows in the -room, I don't know now. - -I had leisure to think, before the kitchen fire, of pretty little -Emily's dread of death - which, added to what Mr. Omer had told me, -I took to be the cause of her being so unlike herself - and I had -leisure, before Peggotty came down, even to think more leniently of -the weakness of it: as I sat counting the ticking of the clock, and -deepening my sense of the solemn hush around me. Peggotty took me -in her arms, and blessed and thanked me over and over again for -being such a comfort to her (that was what she said) in her -distress. She then entreated me to come upstairs, sobbing that Mr. -Barkis had always liked me and admired me; that he had often talked -of me, before he fell into a stupor; and that she believed, in case -of his coming to himself again, he would brighten up at sight of -me, if he could brighten up at any earthly thing. - -The probability of his ever doing so, appeared to me, when I saw -him, to be very small. He was lying with his head and shoulders -out of bed, in an uncomfortable attitude, half resting on the box -which had cost him so much pain and trouble. I learned, that, when -he was past creeping out of bed to open it, and past assuring -himself of its safety by means of the divining rod I had seen him -use, he had required to have it placed on the chair at the -bed-side, where he had ever since embraced it, night and day. His -arm lay on it now. Time and the world were slipping from beneath -him, but the box was there; and the last words he had uttered were -(in an explanatory tone) 'Old clothes!' - -'Barkis, my dear!' said Peggotty, almost cheerfully: bending over -him, while her brother and I stood at the bed's foot. 'Here's my -dear boy - my dear boy, Master Davy, who brought us together, -Barkis! That you sent messages by, you know! Won't you speak to -Master Davy?' - -He was as mute and senseless as the box, from which his form -derived the only expression it had. - -'He's a going out with the tide,' said Mr. Peggotty to me, behind -his hand. - -My eyes were dim and so were Mr. Peggotty's; but I repeated in a -whisper, 'With the tide?' - -'People can't die, along the coast,' said Mr. Peggotty, 'except -when the tide's pretty nigh out. They can't be born, unless it's -pretty nigh in - not properly born, till flood. He's a going out -with the tide. It's ebb at half-arter three, slack water half an -hour. If he lives till it turns, he'll hold his own till past the -flood, and go out with the next tide.' - -We remained there, watching him, a long time - hours. What -mysterious influence my presence had upon him in that state of his -senses, I shall not pretend to say; but when he at last began to -wander feebly, it is certain he was muttering about driving me to -school. - -'He's coming to himself,' said Peggotty. - -Mr. Peggotty touched me, and whispered with much awe and reverence. -'They are both a-going out fast.' - -'Barkis, my dear!' said Peggotty. - -'C. P. Barkis,' he cried faintly. 'No better woman anywhere!' - -'Look! Here's Master Davy!' said Peggotty. For he now opened his -eyes. - -I was on the point of asking him if he knew me, when he tried to -stretch out his arm, and said to me, distinctly, with a pleasant -smile: - -'Barkis is willin'!' - -And, it being low water, he went out with the tide. - - - -CHAPTER 31 -A GREATER LOSS - - -It was not difficult for me, on Peggotty's solicitation, to resolve -to stay where I was, until after the remains of the poor carrier -should have made their last journey to Blunderstone. She had long -ago bought, out of her own savings, a little piece of ground in our -old churchyard near the grave of 'her sweet girl', as she always -called my mother; and there they were to rest. - -In keeping Peggotty company, and doing all I could for her (little -enough at the utmost), I was as grateful, I rejoice to think, as -even now I could wish myself to have been. But I am afraid I had -a supreme satisfaction, of a personal and professional nature, in -taking charge of Mr. Barkis's will, and expounding its contents. - -I may claim the merit of having originated the suggestion that the -will should be looked for in the box. After some search, it was -found in the box, at the bottom of a horse's nose-bag; wherein -(besides hay) there was discovered an old gold watch, with chain -and seals, which Mr. Barkis had worn on his wedding-day, and which -had never been seen before or since; a silver tobacco-stopper, in -the form of a leg; an imitation lemon, full of minute cups and -saucers, which I have some idea Mr. Barkis must have purchased to -present to me when I was a child, and afterwards found himself -unable to part with; eighty-seven guineas and a half, in guineas -and half-guineas; two hundred and ten pounds, in perfectly clean -Bank notes; certain receipts for Bank of England stock; an old -horseshoe, a bad shilling, a piece of camphor, and an oyster-shell. -From the circumstance of the latter article having been much -polished, and displaying prismatic colours on the inside, I -conclude that Mr. Barkis had some general ideas about pearls, which -never resolved themselves into anything definite. - -For years and years, Mr. Barkis had carried this box, on all his -journeys, every day. That it might the better escape notice, he -had invented a fiction that it belonged to 'Mr. Blackboy', and was -'to be left with Barkis till called for'; a fable he had -elaborately written on the lid, in characters now scarcely legible. - -He had hoarded, all these years, I found, to good purpose. His -property in money amounted to nearly three thousand pounds. Of -this he bequeathed the interest of one thousand to Mr. Peggotty for -his life; on his decease, the principal to be equally divided -between Peggotty, little Emily, and me, or the survivor or -survivors of us, share and share alike. All the rest he died -possessed of, he bequeathed to Peggotty; whom he left residuary -legatee, and sole executrix of that his last will and testament. - -I felt myself quite a proctor when I read this document aloud with -all possible ceremony, and set forth its provisions, any number of -times, to those whom they concerned. I began to think there was -more in the Commons than I had supposed. I examined the will with -the deepest attention, pronounced it perfectly formal in all -respects, made a pencil-mark or so in the margin, and thought it -rather extraordinary that I knew so much. - -In this abstruse pursuit; in making an account for Peggotty, of all -the property into which she had come; in arranging all the affairs -in an orderly manner; and in being her referee and adviser on every -point, to our joint delight; I passed the week before the funeral. -I did not see little Emily in that interval, but they told me she -was to be quietly married in a fortnight. - -I did not attend the funeral in character, if I may venture to say -so. I mean I was not dressed up in a black coat and a streamer, to -frighten the birds; but I walked over to Blunderstone early in the -morning, and was in the churchyard when it came, attended only by -Peggotty and her brother. The mad gentleman looked on, out of my -little window; Mr. Chillip's baby wagged its heavy head, and rolled -its goggle eyes, at the clergyman, over its nurse's shoulder; Mr. -Omer breathed short in the background; no one else was there; and -it was very quiet. We walked about the churchyard for an hour, -after all was over; and pulled some young leaves from the tree -above my mother's grave. - -A dread falls on me here. A cloud is lowering on the distant town, -towards which I retraced my solitary steps. I fear to approach it. -I cannot bear to think of what did come, upon that memorable night; -of what must come again, if I go on. - -It is no worse, because I write of it. It would be no better, if -I stopped my most unwilling hand. It is done. Nothing can undo -it; nothing can make it otherwise than as it was. - -My old nurse was to go to London with me next day, on the business -of the will. Little Emily was passing that day at Mr. Omer's. We -were all to meet in the old boathouse that night. Ham would bring -Emily at the usual hour. I would walk back at my leisure. The -brother and sister would return as they had come, and be expecting -us, when the day closed in, at the fireside. - -I parted from them at the wicket-gate, where visionary Strap had -rested with Roderick Random's knapsack in the days of yore; and, -instead of going straight back, walked a little distance on the -road to Lowestoft. Then I turned, and walked back towards -Yarmouth. I stayed to dine at a decent alehouse, some mile or two -from the Ferry I have mentioned before; and thus the day wore away, -and it was evening when I reached it. Rain was falling heavily by -that time, and it was a wild night; but there was a moon behind the -clouds, and it was not dark. - -I was soon within sight of Mr. Peggotty's house, and of the light -within it shining through the window. A little floundering across -the sand, which was heavy, brought me to the door, and I went in. - -It looked very comfortable indeed. Mr. Peggotty had smoked his -evening pipe and there were preparations for some supper by and by. -The fire was bright, the ashes were thrown up, the locker was ready -for little Emily in her old place. In her own old place sat -Peggotty, once more, looking (but for her dress) as if she had -never left it. She had fallen back, already, on the society of the -work-box with St. Paul's upon the lid, the yard-measure in the -cottage, and the bit of wax-candle; and there they all were, just -as if they had never been disturbed. Mrs. Gummidge appeared to be -fretting a little, in her old corner; and consequently looked quite -natural, too. - -'You're first of the lot, Mas'r Davy!' said Mr. Peggotty with a -happy face. 'Doen't keep in that coat, sir, if it's wet.' - -'Thank you, Mr. Peggotty,' said I, giving him my outer coat to hang -up. 'It's quite dry.' - -'So 'tis!' said Mr. Peggotty, feeling my shoulders. 'As a chip! -Sit ye down, sir. It ain't o' no use saying welcome to you, but -you're welcome, kind and hearty.' - -'Thank you, Mr. Peggotty, I am sure of that. Well, Peggotty!' said -I, giving her a kiss. 'And how are you, old woman?' - -'Ha, ha!' laughed Mr. Peggotty, sitting down beside us, and rubbing -his hands in his sense of relief from recent trouble, and in the -genuine heartiness of his nature; 'there's not a woman in the -wureld, sir - as I tell her - that need to feel more easy in her -mind than her! She done her dooty by the departed, and the -departed know'd it; and the departed done what was right by her, as -she done what was right by the departed; - and - and - and it's all -right!' - -Mrs. Gummidge groaned. - -'Cheer up, my pritty mawther!' said Mr. Peggotty. (But he shook -his head aside at us, evidently sensible of the tendency of the -late occurrences to recall the memory of the old one.) 'Doen't be -down! Cheer up, for your own self, on'y a little bit, and see if -a good deal more doen't come nat'ral!' - -'Not to me, Dan'l,' returned Mrs. Gummidge. 'Nothink's nat'ral to -me but to be lone and lorn.' - -'No, no,' said Mr. Peggotty, soothing her sorrows. - -'Yes, yes, Dan'l!' said Mrs. Gummidge. 'I ain't a person to live -with them as has had money left. Thinks go too contrary with me. -I had better be a riddance.' - -'Why, how should I ever spend it without you?' said Mr. Peggotty, -with an air of serious remonstrance. 'What are you a talking on? -Doen't I want you more now, than ever I did?' - -'I know'd I was never wanted before!' cried Mrs. Gummidge, with a -pitiable whimper, 'and now I'm told so! How could I expect to be -wanted, being so lone and lorn, and so contrary!' - -Mr. Peggotty seemed very much shocked at himself for having made a -speech capable of this unfeeling construction, but was prevented -from replying, by Peggotty's pulling his sleeve, and shaking her -head. After looking at Mrs. Gummidge for some moments, in sore -distress of mind, he glanced at the Dutch clock, rose, snuffed the -candle, and put it in the window. - -'Theer!'said Mr. Peggotty, cheerily.'Theer we are, Missis -Gummidge!' Mrs. Gummidge slightly groaned. 'Lighted up, accordin' -to custom! You're a wonderin' what that's fur, sir! Well, it's -fur our little Em'ly. You see, the path ain't over light or -cheerful arter dark; and when I'm here at the hour as she's a -comin' home, I puts the light in the winder. That, you see,' said -Mr. Peggotty, bending over me with great glee, 'meets two objects. -She says, says Em'ly, "Theer's home!" she says. And likewise, says -Em'ly, "My uncle's theer!" Fur if I ain't theer, I never have no -light showed.' - -'You're a baby!' said Peggotty; very fond of him for it, if she -thought so. - -'Well,' returned Mr. Peggotty, standing with his legs pretty wide -apart, and rubbing his hands up and down them in his comfortable -satisfaction, as he looked alternately at us and at the fire. 'I -doen't know but I am. Not, you see, to look at.' - -'Not azackly,' observed Peggotty. - -'No,' laughed Mr. Peggotty, 'not to look at, but to - to consider -on, you know. I doen't care, bless you! Now I tell you. When I -go a looking and looking about that theer pritty house of our -Em'ly's, I'm - I'm Gormed,' said Mr. Peggotty, with sudden emphasis -- 'theer! I can't say more - if I doen't feel as if the littlest -things was her, a'most. I takes 'em up and I put 'em down, and I -touches of 'em as delicate as if they was our Em'ly. So 'tis with -her little bonnets and that. I couldn't see one on 'em rough used -a purpose - not fur the whole wureld. There's a babby fur you, in -the form of a great Sea Porkypine!' said Mr. Peggotty, relieving -his earnestness with a roar of laughter. - -Peggotty and I both laughed, but not so loud. - -'It's my opinion, you see,' said Mr. Peggotty, with a delighted -face, after some further rubbing of his legs, 'as this is along of -my havin' played with her so much, and made believe as we was -Turks, and French, and sharks, and every wariety of forinners - -bless you, yes; and lions and whales, and I doen't know what all! -- when she warn't no higher than my knee. I've got into the way on -it, you know. Why, this here candle, now!' said Mr. Peggotty, -gleefully holding out his hand towards it, 'I know wery well that -arter she's married and gone, I shall put that candle theer, just -the same as now. I know wery well that when I'm here o' nights -(and where else should I live, bless your arts, whatever fortun' I -come into!) and she ain't here or I ain't theer, I shall put the -candle in the winder, and sit afore the fire, pretending I'm -expecting of her, like I'm a doing now. THERE'S a babby for you,' -said Mr. Peggotty, with another roar, 'in the form of a Sea -Porkypine! Why, at the present minute, when I see the candle -sparkle up, I says to myself, "She's a looking at it! Em'ly's a -coming!" THERE'S a babby for you, in the form of a Sea Porkypine! -Right for all that,' said Mr. Peggotty, stopping in his roar, and -smiting his hands together; 'fur here she is!' - -It was only Ham. The night should have turned more wet since I -came in, for he had a large sou'wester hat on, slouched over his -face. - -'Wheer's Em'ly?' said Mr. Peggotty. - -Ham made a motion with his head, as if she were outside. Mr. -Peggotty took the light from the window, trimmed it, put it on the -table, and was busily stirring the fire, when Ham, who had not -moved, said: - -'Mas'r Davy, will you come out a minute, and see what Em'ly and me -has got to show you?' - -We went out. As I passed him at the door, I saw, to my -astonishment and fright, that he was deadly pale. He pushed me -hastily into the open air, and closed the door upon us. Only upon -us two. - -'Ham! what's the matter?' - -'Mas'r Davy! -' Oh, for his broken heart, how dreadfully he wept! - -I was paralysed by the sight of such grief. I don't know what I -thought, or what I dreaded. I could only look at him. - -'Ham! Poor good fellow! For Heaven's sake, tell me what's the -matter!' - -'My love, Mas'r Davy - the pride and hope of my art - her that I'd -have died for, and would die for now - she's gone!' - -'Gone!' - -'Em'ly's run away! Oh, Mas'r Davy, think HOW she's run away, when -I pray my good and gracious God to kill her (her that is so dear -above all things) sooner than let her come to ruin and disgrace!' - -The face he turned up to the troubled sky, the quivering of his -clasped hands, the agony of his figure, remain associated with the -lonely waste, in my remembrance, to this hour. It is always night -there, and he is the only object in the scene. - -'You're a scholar,' he said, hurriedly, 'and know what's right and -best. What am I to say, indoors? How am I ever to break it to -him, Mas'r Davy?' - -I saw the door move, and instinctively tried to hold the latch on -the outside, to gain a moment's time. It was too late. Mr. -Peggotty thrust forth his face; and never could I forget the change -that came upon it when he saw us, if I were to live five hundred -years. - -I remember a great wail and cry, and the women hanging about him, -and we all standing in the room; I with a paper in my hand, which -Ham had given me; Mr. Peggotty, with his vest torn open, his hair -wild, his face and lips quite white, and blood trickling down his -bosom (it had sprung from his mouth, I think), looking fixedly at -me. - -'Read it, sir,' he said, in a low shivering voice. 'Slow, please. -I doen't know as I can understand.' - -In the midst of the silence of death, I read thus, from a blotted -letter: - - -'"When you, who love me so much better than I ever have deserved, -even when my mind was innocent, see this, I shall be far away."' - - -'I shall be fur away,' he repeated slowly. 'Stop! Em'ly fur away. -Well!' - - -'"When I leave my dear home - my dear home - oh, my dear home! - in -the morning,"' - -the letter bore date on the previous night: - - -'"- it will be never to come back, unless he brings me back a lady. -This will be found at night, many hours after, instead of me. Oh, -if you knew how my heart is torn. If even you, that I have wronged -so much, that never can forgive me, could only know what I suffer! -I am too wicked to write about myself! Oh, take comfort in -thinking that I am so bad. Oh, for mercy's sake, tell uncle that -I never loved him half so dear as now. Oh, don't remember how -affectionate and kind you have all been to me - don't remember we -were ever to be married - but try to think as if I died when I was -little, and was buried somewhere. Pray Heaven that I am going away -from, have compassion on my uncle! Tell him that I never loved him -half so dear. Be his comfort. Love some good girl that will be -what I was once to uncle, and be true to you, and worthy of you, -and know no shame but me. God bless all! I'll pray for all, -often, on my knees. If he don't bring me back a lady, and I don't -pray for my own self, I'll pray for all. My parting love to uncle. -My last tears, and my last thanks, for uncle!"' - -That was all. - -He stood, long after I had ceased to read, still looking at me. At -length I ventured to take his hand, and to entreat him, as well as -I could, to endeavour to get some command of himself. He replied, -'I thankee, sir, I thankee!' without moving. - -Ham spoke to him. Mr. Peggotty was so far sensible of HIS -affliction, that he wrung his hand; but, otherwise, he remained in -the same state, and no one dared to disturb him. - -Slowly, at last, he moved his eyes from my face, as if he were -waking from a vision, and cast them round the room. Then he said, -in a low voice: - -'Who's the man? I want to know his name.' - -Ham glanced at me, and suddenly I felt a shock that struck me back. - -'There's a man suspected,' said Mr. Peggotty. 'Who is it?' - -'Mas'r Davy!' implored Ham. 'Go out a bit, and let me tell him -what I must. You doen't ought to hear it, sir.' - -I felt the shock again. I sank down in a chair, and tried to utter -some reply; but my tongue was fettered, and my sight was weak. - -'I want to know his name!' I heard said once more. - -'For some time past,' Ham faltered, 'there's been a servant about -here, at odd times. There's been a gen'lm'n too. Both of 'em -belonged to one another.' - -Mr. Peggotty stood fixed as before, but now looking at him. - -'The servant,' pursued Ham, 'was seen along with - our poor girl - -last night. He's been in hiding about here, this week or over. He -was thought to have gone, but he was hiding. Doen't stay, Mas'r -Davy, doen't!' - -I felt Peggotty's arm round my neck, but I could not have moved if -the house had been about to fall upon me. - -'A strange chay and hosses was outside town, this morning, on the -Norwich road, a'most afore the day broke,' Ham went on. 'The -servant went to it, and come from it, and went to it again. When -he went to it again, Em'ly was nigh him. The t'other was inside. -He's the man.' - -'For the Lord's love,' said Mr. Peggotty, falling back, and putting -out his hand, as if to keep off what he dreaded. 'Doen't tell me -his name's Steerforth!' - -'Mas'r Davy,' exclaimed Ham, in a broken voice, 'it ain't no fault -of yourn - and I am far from laying of it to you - but his name is -Steerforth, and he's a damned villain!' - -Mr. Peggotty uttered no cry, and shed no tear, and moved no more, -until he seemed to wake again, all at once, and pulled down his -rough coat from its peg in a corner. - -'Bear a hand with this! I'm struck of a heap, and can't do it,' he -said, impatiently. 'Bear a hand and help me. Well!' when somebody -had done so. 'Now give me that theer hat!' - -Ham asked him whither he was going. - -'I'm a going to seek my niece. I'm a going to seek my Em'ly. I'm -a going, first, to stave in that theer boat, and sink it where I -would have drownded him, as I'm a living soul, if I had had one -thought of what was in him! As he sat afore me,' he said, wildly, -holding out his clenched right hand, 'as he sat afore me, face to -face, strike me down dead, but I'd have drownded him, and thought -it right! - I'm a going to seek my niece.' - -'Where?' cried Ham, interposing himself before the door. - -'Anywhere! I'm a going to seek my niece through the wureld. I'm -a going to find my poor niece in her shame, and bring her back. No -one stop me! I tell you I'm a going to seek my niece!' - -'No, no!' cried Mrs. Gummidge, coming between them, in a fit of -crying. 'No, no, Dan'l, not as you are now. Seek her in a little -while, my lone lorn Dan'l, and that'll be but right! but not as you -are now. Sit ye down, and give me your forgiveness for having ever -been a worrit to you, Dan'l - what have my contraries ever been to -this! - and let us speak a word about them times when she was first -an orphan, and when Ham was too, and when I was a poor widder -woman, and you took me in. It'll soften your poor heart, Dan'l,' -laying her head upon his shoulder, 'and you'll bear your sorrow -better; for you know the promise, Dan'l, "As you have done it unto -one of the least of these, you have done it unto me",- and that can -never fail under this roof, that's been our shelter for so many, -many year!' - -He was quite passive now; and when I heard him crying, the impulse -that had been upon me to go down upon my knees, and ask their -pardon for the desolation I had caused, and curse Steer- forth, -yielded to a better feeling, My overcharged heart found the same -relief, and I cried too. - - - -CHAPTER 32 -THE BEGINNING OF A LONG JOURNEY - - -What is natural in me, is natural in many other men, I infer, and -so I am not afraid to write that I never had loved Steerforth -better than when the ties that bound me to him were broken. In the -keen distress of the discovery of his unworthiness, I thought more -of all that was brilliant in him, I softened more towards all that -was good in him, I did more justice to the qualities that might -have made him a man of a noble nature and a great name, than ever -I had done in the height of my devotion to him. Deeply as I felt -my own unconscious part in his pollution of an honest home, I -believed that if I had been brought face to face with him, I could -not have uttered one reproach. I should have loved him so well -still - though he fascinated me no longer - I should have held in -so much tenderness the memory of my affection for him, that I think -I should have been as weak as a spirit-wounded child, in all but -the entertainment of a thought that we could ever be re-united. -That thought I never had. I felt, as he had felt, that all was at -an end between us. What his remembrances of me were, I have never -known - they were light enough, perhaps, and easily dismissed - but -mine of him were as the remembrances of a cherished friend, who was -dead. - -Yes, Steerforth, long removed from the scenes of this poor history! -My sorrow may bear involuntary witness against you at the judgement -Throne; but my angry thoughts or my reproaches never will, I know! - -The news of what had happened soon spread through the town; -insomuch that as I passed along the streets next morning, I -overheard the people speaking of it at their doors. Many were hard -upon her, some few were hard upon him, but towards her second -father and her lover there was but one sentiment. Among all kinds -of people a respect for them in their distress prevailed, which was -full of gentleness and delicacy. The seafaring men kept apart, -when those two were seen early, walking with slow steps on the -beach; and stood in knots, talking compassionately among -themselves. - -It was on the beach, close down by the sea, that I found them. It -would have been easy to perceive that they had not slept all last -night, even if Peggotty had failed to tell me of their still -sitting just as I left them, when it was broad day. They looked -worn; and I thought Mr. Peggotty's head was bowed in one night more -than in all the years I had known him. But they were both as grave -and steady as the sea itself, then lying beneath a dark sky, -waveless - yet with a heavy roll upon it, as if it breathed in its -rest - and touched, on the horizon, with a strip of silvery light -from the unseen sun. - -'We have had a mort of talk, sir,' said Mr. Peggotty to me, when we -had all three walked a little while in silence, 'of what we ought -and doen't ought to do. But we see our course now.' - -I happened to glance at Ham, then looking out to sea upon the -distant light, and a frightful thought came into my mind - not that -his face was angry, for it was not; I recall nothing but an -expression of stern determination in it - that if ever he -encountered Steerforth, he would kill him. - -'My dooty here, sir,' said Mr. Peggotty, 'is done. I'm a going to -seek my -' he stopped, and went on in a firmer voice: 'I'm a going -to seek her. That's my dooty evermore.' - -He shook his head when I asked him where he would seek her, and -inquired if I were going to London tomorrow? I told him I had not -gone today, fearing to lose the chance of being of any service to -him; but that I was ready to go when he would. - -'I'll go along with you, sir,' he rejoined, 'if you're agreeable, -tomorrow.' - -We walked again, for a while, in silence. - -'Ham,'he presently resumed,'he'll hold to his present work, and go -and live along with my sister. The old boat yonder -' - -'Will you desert the old boat, Mr. Peggotty?' I gently interposed. - -'My station, Mas'r Davy,' he returned, 'ain't there no longer; and -if ever a boat foundered, since there was darkness on the face of -the deep, that one's gone down. But no, sir, no; I doen't mean as -it should be deserted. Fur from that.' - -We walked again for a while, as before, until he explained: - -'My wishes is, sir, as it shall look, day and night, winter and -summer, as it has always looked, since she fust know'd it. If ever -she should come a wandering back, I wouldn't have the old place -seem to cast her off, you understand, but seem to tempt her to draw -nigher to 't, and to peep in, maybe, like a ghost, out of the wind -and rain, through the old winder, at the old seat by the fire. -Then, maybe, Mas'r Davy, seein' none but Missis Gummidge there, she -might take heart to creep in, trembling; and might come to be laid -down in her old bed, and rest her weary head where it was once so -gay.' - -I could not speak to him in reply, though I tried. - -'Every night,' said Mr. Peggotty, 'as reg'lar as the night comes, -the candle must be stood in its old pane of glass, that if ever she -should see it, it may seem to say "Come back, my child, come back!" -If ever there's a knock, Ham (partic'ler a soft knock), arter dark, -at your aunt's door, doen't you go nigh it. Let it be her - not -you - that sees my fallen child!' - -He walked a little in front of us, and kept before us for some -minutes. During this interval, I glanced at Ham again, and -observing the same expression on his face, and his eyes still -directed to the distant light, I touched his arm. - -Twice I called him by his name, in the tone in which I might have -tried to rouse a sleeper, before he heeded me. When I at last -inquired on what his thoughts were so bent, he replied: - -'On what's afore me, Mas'r Davy; and over yon.' -'On the life before you, do you mean?' He had pointed confusedly -out to sea. - -'Ay, Mas'r Davy. I doen't rightly know how 'tis, but from over yon -there seemed to me to come - the end of it like,' looking at me as -if he were waking, but with the same determined face. - -'What end?' I asked, possessed by my former fear. - -'I doen't know,'he said, thoughtfully; 'I was calling to mind that -the beginning of it all did take place here - and then the end -come. But it's gone! Mas'r Davy,' he added; answering, as I -think, my look; 'you han't no call to be afeerd of me: but I'm -kiender muddled; I don't fare to feel no matters,' - which was as -much as to say that he was not himself, and quite confounded. - -Mr. Peggotty stopping for us to join him: we did so, and said no -more. The remembrance of this, in connexion with my former -thought, however, haunted me at intervals, even until the -inexorable end came at its appointed time. - -We insensibly approached the old boat, and entered. Mrs. Gummidge, -no longer moping in her especial corner, was busy preparing -breakfast. She took Mr. Peggotty's hat, and placed his seat for -him, and spoke so comfortably and softly, that I hardly knew her. - -'Dan'l, my good man,' said she, 'you must eat and drink, and keep -up your strength, for without it you'll do nowt. Try, that's a -dear soul! An if I disturb you with my clicketten,' she meant her -chattering, 'tell me so, Dan'l, and I won't.' - -When she had served us all, she withdrew to the window, where she -sedulously employed herself in repairing some shirts and other -clothes belonging to Mr. Peggotty, and neatly folding and packing -them in an old oilskin bag, such as sailors carry. Meanwhile, she -continued talking, in the same quiet manner: - -'All times and seasons, you know, Dan'l,' said Mrs. Gummidge, 'I -shall be allus here, and everythink will look accordin' to your -wishes. I'm a poor scholar, but I shall write to you, odd times, -when you're away, and send my letters to Mas'r Davy. Maybe you'll -write to me too, Dan'l, odd times, and tell me how you fare to feel -upon your lone lorn journies.' - -'You'll be a solitary woman heer, I'm afeerd!' said Mr. Peggotty. - -'No, no, Dan'l,' she returned, 'I shan't be that. Doen't you mind -me. I shall have enough to do to keep a Beein for you' (Mrs. -Gummidge meant a home), 'again you come back - to keep a Beein here -for any that may hap to come back, Dan'l. In the fine time, I -shall set outside the door as I used to do. If any should come -nigh, they shall see the old widder woman true to 'em, a long way -off.' - -What a change in Mrs. Gummidge in a little time! She was another -woman. She was so devoted, she had such a quick perception of what -it would be well to say, and what it would be well to leave unsaid; -she was so forgetful of herself, and so regardful of the sorrow -about her, that I held her in a sort of veneration. The work she -did that day! There were many things to be brought up from the -beach and stored in the outhouse - as oars, nets, sails, cordage, -spars, lobster-pots, bags of ballast, and the like; and though -there was abundance of assistance rendered, there being not a pair -of working hands on all that shore but would have laboured hard for -Mr. Peggotty, and been well paid in being asked to do it, yet she -persisted, all day long, in toiling under weights that she was -quite unequal to, and fagging to and fro on all sorts of -unnecessary errands. As to deploring her misfortunes, she appeared -to have entirely lost the recollection of ever having had any. She -preserved an equable cheerfulness in the midst of her sympathy, -which was not the least astonishing part of the change that had -come over her. Querulousness was out of the question. I did not -even observe her voice to falter, or a tear to escape from her -eyes, the whole day through, until twilight; when she and I and Mr. -Peggotty being alone together, and he having fallen asleep in -perfect exhaustion, she broke into a half-suppressed fit of sobbing -and crying, and taking me to the door, said, 'Ever bless you, Mas'r -Davy, be a friend to him, poor dear!' Then, she immediately ran out -of the house to wash her face, in order that she might sit quietly -beside him, and be found at work there, when he should awake. In -short I left her, when I went away at night, the prop and staff of -Mr. Peggotty's affliction; and I could not meditate enough upon the -lesson that I read in Mrs. Gummidge, and the new experience she -unfolded to me. - -It was between nine and ten o'clock when, strolling in a melancholy -manner through the town, I stopped at Mr. Omer's door. Mr. Omer -had taken it so much to heart, his daughter told me, that he had -been very low and poorly all day, and had gone to bed without his -pipe. - -'A deceitful, bad-hearted girl,' said Mrs. Joram. 'There was no -good in her, ever!' - -'Don't say so,' I returned. 'You don't think so.' - -'Yes, I do!' cried Mrs. Joram, angrily. - -'No, no,' said I. - -Mrs. Joram tossed her head, endeavouring to be very stern and -cross; but she could not command her softer self, and began to cry. -I was young, to be sure; but I thought much the better of her for -this sympathy, and fancied it became her, as a virtuous wife and -mother, very well indeed. - -'What will she ever do!' sobbed Minnie. 'Where will she go! What -will become of her! Oh, how could she be so cruel, to herself and -him!' - -I remembered the time when Minnie was a young and pretty girl; and -I was glad she remembered it too, so feelingly. - -'My little Minnie,' said Mrs. Joram, 'has only just now been got to -sleep. Even in her sleep she is sobbing for Em'ly. All day long, -little Minnie has cried for her, and asked me, over and over again, -whether Em'ly was wicked? What can I say to her, when Em'ly tied -a ribbon off her own neck round little Minnie's the last night she -was here, and laid her head down on the pillow beside her till she -was fast asleep! The ribbon's round my little Minnie's neck now. -It ought not to be, perhaps, but what can I do? Em'ly is very bad, -but they were fond of one another. And the child knows nothing!' - -Mrs. Joram was so unhappy that her husband came out to take care of -her. Leaving them together, I went home to Peggotty's; more -melancholy myself, if possible, than I had been yet. - -That good creature - I mean Peggotty - all untired by her late -anxieties and sleepless nights, was at her brother's, where she -meant to stay till morning. An old woman, who had been employed -about the house for some weeks past, while Peggotty had been unable -to attend to it, was the house's only other occupant besides -myself. As I had no occasion for her services, I sent her to bed, -by no means against her will, and sat down before the kitchen fire -a little while, to think about all this. - -I was blending it with the deathbed of the late Mr. Barkis, and was -driving out with the tide towards the distance at which Ham had -looked so singularly in the morning, when I was recalled from my -wanderings by a knock at the door. There was a knocker upon the -door, but it was not that which made the sound. The tap was from -a hand, and low down upon the door, as if it were given by a child. - -It made me start as much as if it had been the knock of a footman -to a person of distinction. I opened the door; and at first looked -down, to my amazement, on nothing but a great umbrella that -appeared to be walking about of itself. But presently I discovered -underneath it, Miss Mowcher. - -I might not have been prepared to give the little creature a very -kind reception, if, on her removing the umbrella, which her utmost -efforts were unable to shut up, she had shown me the 'volatile' -expression of face which had made so great an impression on me at -our first and last meeting. But her face, as she turned it up to -mine, was so earnest; and when I relieved her of the umbrella -(which would have been an inconvenient one for the Irish Giant), -she wrung her little hands in such an afflicted manner; that I -rather inclined towards her. - -'Miss Mowcher!' said I, after glancing up and down the empty -street, without distinctly knowing what I expected to see besides; -'how do you come here? What is the matter?' -She motioned to me with her short right arm, to shut the umbrella -for her; and passing me hurriedly, went into the kitchen. When I -had closed the door, and followed, with the umbrella in my hand, I -found her sitting on the corner of the fender - it was a low iron -one, with two flat bars at top to stand plates upon - in the shadow -of the boiler, swaying herself backwards and forwards, and chafing -her hands upon her knees like a person in pain. - -Quite alarmed at being the only recipient of this untimely visit, -and the only spectator of this portentous behaviour, I exclaimed -again, 'Pray tell me, Miss Mowcher, what is the matter! are you -ill?' - -'My dear young soul,' returned Miss Mowcher, squeezing her hands -upon her heart one over the other. 'I am ill here, I am very ill. -To think that it should come to this, when I might have known it -and perhaps prevented it, if I hadn't been a thoughtless fool!' - -Again her large bonnet (very disproportionate to the figure) went -backwards and forwards, in her swaying of her little body to and -fro; while a most gigantic bonnet rocked, in unison with it, upon -the wall. - -'I am surprised,' I began, 'to see you so distressed and serious'- -when she interrupted me. - -'Yes, it's always so!' she said. 'They are all surprised, these -inconsiderate young people, fairly and full grown, to see any -natural feeling in a little thing like me! They make a plaything -of me, use me for their amusement, throw me away when they are -tired, and wonder that I feel more than a toy horse or a wooden -soldier! Yes, yes, that's the way. The old way!' - -'It may be, with others,' I returned, 'but I do assure you it is -not with me. Perhaps I ought not to be at all surprised to see you -as you are now: I know so little of you. I said, without -consideration, what I thought.' - -'What can I do?' returned the little woman, standing up, and -holding out her arms to show herself. 'See! What I am, my father -was; and my sister is; and my brother is. I have worked for sister -and brother these many years - hard, Mr. Copperfield - all day. I -must live. I do no harm. If there are people so unreflecting or -so cruel, as to make a jest of me, what is left for me to do but to -make a jest of myself, them, and everything? If I do so, for the -time, whose fault is that? Mine?' - -No. Not Miss Mowcher's, I perceived. - -'If I had shown myself a sensitive dwarf to your false friend,' -pursued the little woman, shaking her head at me, with reproachful -earnestness, 'how much of his help or good will do you think I -should ever have had? If little Mowcher (who had no hand, young -gentleman, in the making of herself) addressed herself to him, or -the like of him, because of her misfortunes, when do you suppose -her small voice would have been heard? Little Mowcher would have -as much need to live, if she was the bitterest and dullest of -pigmies; but she couldn't do it. No. She might whistle for her -bread and butter till she died of Air.' - -Miss Mowcher sat down on the fender again, and took out her -handkerchief, and wiped her eyes. - -'Be thankful for me, if you have a kind heart, as I think you -have,' she said, 'that while I know well what I am, I can be -cheerful and endure it all. I am thankful for myself, at any rate, -that I can find my tiny way through the world, without being -beholden to anyone; and that in return for all that is thrown at -me, in folly or vanity, as I go along, I can throw bubbles back. -If I don't brood over all I want, it is the better for me, and not -the worse for anyone. If I am a plaything for you giants, be -gentle with me.' - -Miss Mowcher replaced her handkerchief in her pocket, looking at me -with very intent expression all the while, and pursued: - -'I saw you in the street just now. You may suppose I am not able -to walk as fast as you, with my short legs and short breath, and I -couldn't overtake you; but I guessed where you came, and came after -you. I have been here before, today, but the good woman wasn't at -home.' - -'Do you know her?' I demanded. - -'I know of her, and about her,' she replied, 'from Omer and Joram. -I was there at seven o'clock this morning. Do you remember what -Steerforth said to me about this unfortunate girl, that time when -I saw you both at the inn?' - -The great bonnet on Miss Mowcher's head, and the greater bonnet on -the wall, began to go backwards and forwards again when she asked -this question. - -I remembered very well what she referred to, having had it in my -thoughts many times that day. I told her so. - -'May the Father of all Evil confound him,' said the little woman, -holding up her forefinger between me and her sparkling eyes, 'and -ten times more confound that wicked servant; but I believed it was -YOU who had a boyish passion for her!' - -'I?' I repeated. - -'Child, child! In the name of blind ill-fortune,' cried Miss -Mowcher, wringing her hands impatiently, as she went to and fro -again upon the fender, 'why did you praise her so, and blush, and -look disturbed?' - -I could not conceal from myself that I had done this, though for a -reason very different from her supposition. - -'What did I know?' said Miss Mowcher, taking out her handkerchief -again, and giving one little stamp on the ground whenever, at short -intervals, she applied it to her eyes with both hands at once. 'He -was crossing you and wheedling you, I saw; and you were soft wax in -his hands, I saw. Had I left the room a minute, when his man told -me that "Young Innocence" (so he called you, and you may call him -"Old Guilt" all the days of your life) had set his heart upon her, -and she was giddy and liked him, but his master was resolved that -no harm should come of it - more for your sake than for hers - and -that that was their business here? How could I BUT believe him? -I saw Steerforth soothe and please you by his praise of her! You -were the first to mention her name. You owned to an old admiration -of her. You were hot and cold, and red and white, all at once when -I spoke to you of her. What could I think - what DID I think - but -that you were a young libertine in everything but experience, and -had fallen into hands that had experience enough, and could manage -you (having the fancy) for your own good? Oh! oh! oh! They were -afraid of my finding out the truth,' exclaimed Miss Mowcher, -getting off the fender, and trotting up and down the kitchen with -her two short arms distressfully lifted up, 'because I am a sharp -little thing - I need be, to get through the world at all! - and -they deceived me altogether, and I gave the poor unfortunate girl -a letter, which I fully believe was the beginning of her ever -speaking to Littimer, who was left behind on purpose!' - -I stood amazed at the revelation of all this perfidy, looking at -Miss Mowcher as she walked up and down the kitchen until she was -out of breath: when she sat upon the fender again, and, drying her -face with her handkerchief, shook her head for a long time, without -otherwise moving, and without breaking silence. - -'My country rounds,' she added at length, 'brought me to Norwich, -Mr. Copperfield, the night before last. What I happened to find -there, about their secret way of coming and going, without you - -which was strange - led to my suspecting something wrong. I got -into the coach from London last night, as it came through Norwich, -and was here this morning. Oh, oh, oh! too late!' - -Poor little Mowcher turned so chilly after all her crying and -fretting, that she turned round on the fender, putting her poor -little wet feet in among the ashes to warm them, and sat looking at -the fire, like a large doll. I sat in a chair on the other side of -the hearth, lost in unhappy reflections, and looking at the fire -too, and sometimes at her. - -'I must go,' she said at last, rising as she spoke. 'It's late. -You don't mistrust me?' - -Meeting her sharp glance, which was as sharp as ever when she asked -me, I could not on that short challenge answer no, quite frankly. - -'Come!' said she, accepting the offer of my hand to help her over -the fender, and looking wistfully up into my face, 'you know you -wouldn't mistrust me, if I was a full-sized woman!' - -I felt that there was much truth in this; and I felt rather ashamed -of myself. - -'You are a young man,' she said, nodding. 'Take a word of advice, -even from three foot nothing. Try not to associate bodily defects -with mental, my good friend, except for a solid reason.' - -She had got over the fender now, and I had got over my suspicion. -I told her that I believed she had given me a faithful account of -herself, and that we had both been hapless instruments in designing -hands. She thanked me, and said I was a good fellow. - -'Now, mind!' she exclaimed, turning back on her way to the door, -and looking shrewdly at me, with her forefinger up again.- 'I have -some reason to suspect, from what I have heard - my ears are always -open; I can't afford to spare what powers I have - that they are -gone abroad. But if ever they return, if ever any one of them -returns, while I am alive, I am more likely than another, going -about as I do, to find it out soon. Whatever I know, you shall -know. If ever I can do anything to serve the poor betrayed girl, -I will do it faithfully, please Heaven! And Littimer had better -have a bloodhound at his back, than little Mowcher!' - -I placed implicit faith in this last statement, when I marked the -look with which it was accompanied. - -'Trust me no more, but trust me no less, than you would trust a -full-sized woman,' said the little creature, touching me -appealingly on the wrist. 'If ever you see me again, unlike what -I am now, and like what I was when you first saw me, observe what -company I am in. Call to mind that I am a very helpless and -defenceless little thing. Think of me at home with my brother like -myself and sister like myself, when my day's work is done. Perhaps -you won't, then, be very hard upon me, or surprised if I can be -distressed and serious. Good night!' - -I gave Miss Mowcher my hand, with a very different opinion of her -from that which I had hitherto entertained, and opened the door to -let her out. It was not a trifling business to get the great -umbrella up, and properly balanced in her grasp; but at last I -successfully accomplished this, and saw it go bobbing down the -street through the rain, without the least appearance of having -anybody underneath it, except when a heavier fall than usual from -some over-charged water-spout sent it toppling over, on one side, -and discovered Miss Mowcher struggling violently to get it right. -After making one or two sallies to her relief, which were rendered -futile by the umbrella's hopping on again, like an immense bird, -before I could reach it, I came in, went to bed, and slept till -morning. - -In the morning I was joined by Mr. Peggotty and by my old nurse, -and we went at an early hour to the coach office, where Mrs. -Gummidge and Ham were waiting to take leave of us. - -'Mas'r Davy,' Ham whispered, drawing me aside, while Mr. Peggotty -was stowing his bag among the luggage, 'his life is quite broke up. -He doen't know wheer he's going; he doen't know -what's afore him; -he's bound upon a voyage that'll last, on and off, all the rest of -his days, take my wured for 't, unless he finds what he's a seeking -of. I am sure you'll be a friend to him, Mas'r Davy?' - -'Trust me, I will indeed,' said I, shaking hands with Ham -earnestly. - -'Thankee. Thankee, very kind, sir. One thing furder. I'm in good -employ, you know, Mas'r Davy, and I han't no way now of spending -what I gets. Money's of no use to me no more, except to live. If -you can lay it out for him, I shall do my work with a better art. -Though as to that, sir,' and he spoke very steadily and mildly, -'you're not to think but I shall work at all times, like a man, and -act the best that lays in my power!' - -I told him I was well convinced of it; and I hinted that I hoped -the time might even come, when he would cease to lead the lonely -life he naturally contemplated now. - -'No, sir,' he said, shaking his head, 'all that's past and over -with me, sir. No one can never fill the place that's empty. But -you'll bear in mind about the money, as theer's at all times some -laying by for him?' - -Reminding him of the fact, that Mr. Peggotty derived a steady, -though certainly a very moderate income from the bequest of his -late brother-in-law, I promised to do so. We then took leave of -each other. I cannot leave him even now, without remembering with -a pang, at once his modest fortitude and his great sorrow. - -As to Mrs. Gummidge, if I were to endeavour to describe how she ran -down the street by the side of the coach, seeing nothing but Mr. -Peggotty on the roof, through the tears she tried to repress, and -dashing herself against the people who were coming in the opposite -direction, I should enter on a task of some difficulty. Therefore -I had better leave her sitting on a baker's door-step, out of -breath, with no shape at all remaining in her bonnet, and one of -her shoes off, lying on the pavement at a considerable distance. - -When we got to our journey's end, our first pursuit was to look -about for a little lodging for Peggotty, where her brother could -have a bed. We were so fortunate as to find one, of a very clean -and cheap description, over a chandler's shop, only two streets -removed from me. When we had engaged this domicile, I bought some -cold meat at an eating-house, and took my fellow-travellers home to -tea; a proceeding, I regret to state, which did not meet with Mrs. -Crupp's approval, but quite the contrary. I ought to observe, -however, in explanation of that lady's state of mind, that she was -much offended by Peggotty's tucking up her widow's gown before she -had been ten minutes in the place, and setting to work to dust my -bedroom. This Mrs. Crupp regarded in the light of a liberty, and -a liberty, she said, was a thing she never allowed. - -Mr. Peggotty had made a communication to me on the way to London -for which I was not unprepared. It was, that he purposed first -seeing Mrs. Steerforth. As I felt bound to assist him in this, and -also to mediate between them; with the view of sparing the mother's -feelings as much as possible, I wrote to her that night. I told -her as mildly as I could what his wrong was, and what my own share -in his injury. I said he was a man in very common life, but of a -most gentle and upright character; and that I ventured to express -a hope that she would not refuse to see him in his heavy trouble. -I mentioned two o'clock in the afternoon as the hour of our coming, -and I sent the letter myself by the first coach in the morning. - -At the appointed time, we stood at the door - the door of that -house where I had been, a few days since, so happy: where my -youthful confidence and warmth of heart had been yielded up so -freely: which was closed against me henceforth: which was now a -waste, a ruin. - -No Littimer appeared. The pleasanter face which had replaced his, -on the occasion of my last visit, answered to our summons, and went -before us to the drawing-room. Mrs. Steerforth was sitting there. -Rosa Dartle glided, as we went in, from another part of the room -and stood behind her chair. - -I saw, directly, in his mother's face, that she knew from himself -what he had done. It was very pale; and bore the traces of deeper -emotion than my letter alone, weakened by the doubts her fondness -would have raised upon it, would have been likely to create. I -thought her more like him than ever I had thought her; and I felt, -rather than saw, that the resemblance was not lost on my companion. - -She sat upright in her arm-chair, with a stately, immovable, -passionless air, that it seemed as if nothing could disturb. She -looked very steadfastly at Mr. Peggotty when he stood before her; -and he looked quite as steadfastly at her. Rosa Dartle's keen -glance comprehended all of us. For some moments not a word was -spoken. - -She motioned to Mr. Peggotty to be seated. He said, in a low -voice, 'I shouldn't feel it nat'ral, ma'am, to sit down in this -house. I'd sooner stand.' And this was succeeded by another -silence, which she broke thus: - -'I know, with deep regret, what has brought you here. What do you -want of me? What do you ask me to do?' - -He put his hat under his arm, and feeling in his breast for Emily's -letter, took it out, unfolded it, and gave it to her. -'Please to read that, ma'am. That's my niece's hand!' - -She read it, in the same stately and impassive way, - untouched by -its contents, as far as I could see, - and returned it to him. - -'"Unless he brings me back a lady,"' said Mr. Peggotty, tracing out -that part with his finger. 'I come to know, ma'am, whether he will -keep his wured?' - -'No,' she returned. - -'Why not?' said Mr. Peggotty. - -'It is impossible. He would disgrace himself. You cannot fail to -know that she is far below him.' - -'Raise her up!' said Mr. Peggotty. - -'She is uneducated and ignorant.' - -'Maybe she's not; maybe she is,' said Mr. Peggotty. 'I think not, -ma'am; but I'm no judge of them things. Teach her better!' - -'Since you oblige me to speak more plainly, which I am very -unwilling to do, her humble connexions would render such a thing -impossible, if nothing else did.' - -'Hark to this, ma'am,' he returned, slowly and quietly. 'You know -what it is to love your child. So do I. If she was a hundred -times my child, I couldn't love her more. You doen't know what it -is to lose your child. I do. All the heaps of riches in the -wureld would be nowt to me (if they was mine) to buy her back! -But, save her from this disgrace, and she shall never be disgraced -by us. Not one of us that she's growed up among, not one of us -that's lived along with her and had her for their all in all, these -many year, will ever look upon her pritty face again. We'll be -content to let her be; we'll be content to think of her, far off, -as if she was underneath another sun and sky; we'll be content to -trust her to her husband, - to her little children, p'raps, - and -bide the time when all of us shall be alike in quality afore our -God!' - -The rugged eloquence with which he spoke, was not devoid of all -effect. She still preserved her proud manner, but there was a -touch of softness in her voice, as she answered: - -'I justify nothing. I make no counter-accusations. But I am sorry -to repeat, it is impossible. Such a marriage would irretrievably -blight my son's career, and ruin his prospects. Nothing is more -certain than that it never can take place, and never will. If -there is any other compensation -' - -'I am looking at the likeness of the face,' interrupted Mr. -Peggotty, with a steady but a kindling eye, 'that has looked at me, -in my home, at my fireside, in my boat - wheer not? - smiling and -friendly, when it was so treacherous, that I go half wild when I -think of it. If the likeness of that face don't turn to burning -fire, at the thought of offering money to me for my child's blight -and ruin, it's as bad. I doen't know, being a lady's, but what -it's worse.' - -She changed now, in a moment. An angry flush overspread her -features; and she said, in an intolerant manner, grasping the -arm-chair tightly with her hands: - -'What compensation can you make to ME for opening such a pit -between me and my son? What is your love to mine? What is your -separation to ours?' - -Miss Dartle softly touched her, and bent down her head to whisper, -but she would not hear a word. - -'No, Rosa, not a word! Let the man listen to what I say! My son, -who has been the object of my life, to whom its every thought has -been devoted, whom I have gratified from a child in every wish, -from whom I have had no separate existence since his birth, - to -take up in a moment with a miserable girl, and avoid me! To repay -my confidence with systematic deception, for her sake, and quit me -for her! To set this wretched fancy, against his mother's claims -upon his duty, love, respect, gratitude - claims that every day and -hour of his life should have strengthened into ties that nothing -could be proof against! Is this no injury?' - -Again Rosa Dartle tried to soothe her; again ineffectually. - -'I say, Rosa, not a word! If he can stake his all upon the -lightest object, I can stake my all upon a greater purpose. Let -him go where he will, with the means that my love has secured to -him! Does he think to reduce me by long absence? He knows his -mother very little if he does. Let him put away his whim now, and -he is welcome back. Let him not put her away now, and he never -shall come near me, living or dying, while I can raise my hand to -make a sign against it, unless, being rid of her for ever, he comes -humbly to me and begs for my forgiveness. This is my right. This -is the acknowledgement I WILL HAVE. This is the separation that -there is between us! And is this,' she added, looking at her -visitor with the proud intolerant air with which she had begun, 'no -injury?' - -While I heard and saw the mother as she said these words, I seemed -to hear and see the son, defying them. All that I had ever seen in -him of an unyielding, wilful spirit, I saw in her. All the -understanding that I had now of his misdirected energy, became an -understanding of her character too, and a perception that it was, -in its strongest springs, the same. - -She now observed to me, aloud, resuming her former restraint, that -it was useless to hear more, or to say more, and that she begged to -put an end to the interview. She rose with an air of dignity to -leave the room, when Mr. Peggotty signified that it was needless. - -'Doen't fear me being any hindrance to you, I have no more to say, -ma'am,' he remarked, as he moved towards the door. 'I come beer -with no hope, and I take away no hope. I have done what I thowt -should be done, but I never looked fur any good to come of my -stan'ning where I do. This has been too evil a house fur me and -mine, fur me to be in my right senses and expect it.' - -With this, we departed; leaving her standing by her elbow-chair, a -picture of a noble presence and a handsome face. - -We had, on our way out, to cross a paved hall, with glass sides and -roof, over which a vine was trained. Its leaves and shoots were -green then, and the day being sunny, a pair of glass doors leading -to the garden were thrown open. Rosa Dartle, entering this way -with a noiseless step, when we were close to them, addressed -herself to me: - -'You do well,' she said, 'indeed, to bring this fellow here!' - -Such a concentration of rage and scorn as darkened her face, and -flashed in her jet-black eyes, I could not have thought -compressible even into that face. The scar made by the hammer was, -as usual in this excited state of her features, strongly marked. -When the throbbing I had seen before, came into it as I looked at -her, she absolutely lifted up her hand, and struck it. - -'This is a fellow,' she said, 'to champion and bring here, is he -not? You are a true man!' - -'Miss Dartle,' I returned, 'you are surely not so unjust as to -condemn ME!' - -'Why do you bring division between these two mad creatures?' she -returned. 'Don't you know that they are both mad with their own -self-will and pride?' - -'Is it my doing?' I returned. - -'Is it your doing!' she retorted. 'Why do you bring this man -here?' - -'He is a deeply-injured man, Miss Dartle,' I replied. 'You may not -know it.' - -'I know that James Steerforth,' she said, with her hand on her -bosom, as if to prevent the storm that was raging there, from being -loud, 'has a false, corrupt heart, and is a traitor. But what need -I know or care about this fellow, and his common niece?' - -'Miss Dartle,' I returned, 'you deepen the injury. It is -sufficient already. I will only say, at parting, that you do him -a great wrong.' - -'I do him no wrong,' she returned. 'They are a depraved, worthless -set. I would have her whipped!' - -Mr. Peggotty passed on, without a word, and went out at the door. - -'Oh, shame, Miss Dartle! shame!' I said indignantly. 'How can you -bear to trample on his undeserved affliction!' - -'I would trample on them all,' she answered. 'I would have his -house pulled down. I would have her branded on the face, dressed -in rags, and cast out in the streets to starve. If I had the power -to sit in judgement on her, I would see it done. See it done? I -would do it! I detest her. If I ever could reproach her with her -infamous condition, I would go anywhere to do so. If I could hunt -her to her grave, I would. If there was any word of comfort that -would be a solace to her in her dying hour, and only I possessed -it, I wouldn't part with it for Life itself.' - -The mere vehemence of her words can convey, I am sensible, but a -weak impression of the passion by which she was possessed, and -which made itself articulate in her whole figure, though her voice, -instead of being raised, was lower than usual. No description I -could give of her would do justice to my recollection of her, or to -her entire deliverance of herself to her anger. I have seen -passion in many forms, but I have never seen it in such a form as -that. - -When I joined Mr. Peggotty, he was walking slowly and thoughtfully -down the hill. He told me, as soon as I came up with him, that -having now discharged his mind of what he had purposed doing in -London, he meant 'to set out on his travels', that night. I asked -him where he meant to go? He only answered, 'I'm a going, sir, to -seek my niece.' - -We went back to the little lodging over the chandler's shop, and -there I found an opportunity of repeating to Peggotty what he had -said to me. She informed me, in return, that he had said the same -to her that morning. She knew no more than I did, where he was -going, but she thought he had some project shaped out in his mind. - -I did not like to leave him, under such circumstances, and we all -three dined together off a beefsteak pie - which was one of the -many good things for which Peggotty was famous - and which was -curiously flavoured on this occasion, I recollect well, by a -miscellaneous taste of tea, coffee, butter, bacon, cheese, new -loaves, firewood, candles, and walnut ketchup, continually -ascending from the shop. After dinner we sat for an hour or so -near the window, without talking much; and then Mr. Peggotty got -up, and brought his oilskin bag and his stout stick, and laid them -on the table. - -He accepted, from his sister's stock of ready money, a small sum on -account of his legacy; barely enough, I should have thought, to -keep him for a month. He promised to communicate with me, when -anything befell him; and he slung his bag about him, took his hat -and stick, and bade us both 'Good-bye!' - -'All good attend you, dear old woman,' he said, embracing Peggotty, -'and you too, Mas'r Davy!' shaking hands with me. 'I'm a-going to -seek her, fur and wide. If she should come home while I'm away - -but ah, that ain't like to be! - or if I should bring her back, my -meaning is, that she and me shall live and die where no one can't -reproach her. If any hurt should come to me, remember that the -last words I left for her was, "My unchanged love is with my -darling child, and I forgive her!"' - -He said this solemnly, bare-headed; then, putting on his hat, he -went down the stairs, and away. We followed to the door. It was -a warm, dusty evening, just the time when, in the great main -thoroughfare out of which that by-way turned, there was a temporary -lull in the eternal tread of feet upon the pavement, and a strong -red sunshine. He turned, alone, at the corner of our shady street, -into a glow of light, in which we lost him. - -Rarely did that hour of the evening come, rarely did I wake at -night, rarely did I look up at the moon, or stars, or watch the -falling rain, or hear the wind, but I thought of his solitary -figure toiling on, poor pilgrim, and recalled the words: - -'I'm a going to seek her, fur and wide. If any hurt should come to -me, remember that the last words I left for her was, "My unchanged -love is with my darling child, and I forgive her!"' - - - -CHAPTER 33 -BLISSFUL - - -All this time, I had gone on loving Dora, harder than ever. Her -idea was my refuge in disappointment and distress, and made some -amends to me, even for the loss of my friend. The more I pitied -myself, or pitied others, the more I sought for consolation in the -image of Dora. The greater the accumulation of deceit and trouble -in the world, the brighter and the purer shone the star of Dora -high above the world. I don't think I had any definite idea where -Dora came from, or in what degree she was related to a higher order -of beings; but I am quite sure I should have scouted the notion of -her being simply human, like any other young lady, with indignation -and contempt. - -If I may so express it, I was steeped in Dora. I was not merely -over head and ears in love with her, but I was saturated through -and through. Enough love might have been wrung out of me, -metaphorically speaking, to drown anybody in; and yet there would -have remained enough within me, and all over me, to pervade my -entire existence. - -The first thing I did, on my own account, when I came back, was to -take a night-walk to Norwood, and, like the subject of a venerable -riddle of my childhood, to go 'round and round the house, without -ever touching the house', thinking about Dora. I believe the theme -of this incomprehensible conundrum was the moon. No matter what it -was, I, the moon-struck slave of Dora, perambulated round and round -the house and garden for two hours, looking through crevices in the -palings, getting my chin by dint of violent exertion above the -rusty nails on the top, blowing kisses at the lights in the -windows, and romantically calling on the night, at intervals, to -shield my Dora - I don't exactly know what from, I suppose from -fire. Perhaps from mice, to which she had a great objection. - -My love was so much in my mind and it was so natural to me to -confide in Peggotty, when I found her again by my side of an -evening with the old set of industrial implements, busily making -the tour of my wardrobe, that I imparted to her, in a sufficiently -roundabout way, my great secret. Peggotty was strongly interested, -but I could not get her into my view of the case at all. She was -audaciously prejudiced in my favour, and quite unable to understand -why I should have any misgivings, or be low-spirited about it. -'The young lady might think herself well off,' she observed, 'to -have such a beau. And as to her Pa,' she said, 'what did the -gentleman expect, for gracious sake!' - -I observed, however, that Mr. Spenlow's proctorial gown and stiff -cravat took Peggotty down a little, and inspired her with a greater -reverence for the man who was gradually becoming more and more -etherealized in my eyes every day, and about whom a reflected -radiance seemed to me to beam when he sat erect in Court among his -papers, like a little lighthouse in a sea of stationery. And by -the by, it used to be uncommonly strange to me to consider, I -remember, as I sat in Court too, how those dim old judges and -doctors wouldn't have cared for Dora, if they had known her; how -they wouldn't have gone out of their senses with rapture, if -marriage with Dora had been proposed to them; how Dora might have -sung, and played upon that glorified guitar, until she led me to -the verge of madness, yet not have tempted one of those slow-goers -an inch out of his road! - -I despised them, to a man. Frozen-out old gardeners in the -flower-beds of the heart, I took a personal offence against them -all. The Bench was nothing to me but an insensible blunderer. The -Bar had no more tenderness or poetry in it, than the bar of a -public-house. - -Taking the management of Peggotty's affairs into my own hands, with -no little pride, I proved the will, and came to a settlement with -the Legacy Duty-office, and took her to the Bank, and soon got -everything into an orderly train. We varied the legal character of -these proceedings by going to see some perspiring Wax-work, in -Fleet Street (melted, I should hope, these twenty years); and by -visiting Miss Linwood's Exhibition, which I remember as a Mausoleum -of needlework, favourable to self-examination and repentance; and -by inspecting the Tower of London; and going to the top of St. -Paul's. All these wonders afforded Peggotty as much pleasure as -she was able to enjoy, under existing circumstances: except, I -think, St. Paul's, which, from her long attachment to her work-box, -became a rival of the picture on the lid, and was, in some -particulars, vanquished, she considered, by that work of art. - -Peggotty's business, which was what we used to call 'common-form -business' in the Commons (and very light and lucrative the -common-form business was), being settled, I took her down to the -office one morning to pay her bill. Mr. Spenlow had stepped out, -old Tiffey said, to get a gentleman sworn for a marriage licence; -but as I knew he would be back directly, our place lying close to -the Surrogate's, and to the Vicar-General's office too, I told -Peggotty to wait. - -We were a little like undertakers, in the Commons, as regarded -Probate transactions; generally making it a rule to look more or -less cut up, when we had to deal with clients in mourning. In a -similar feeling of delicacy, we were always blithe and -light-hearted with the licence clients. Therefore I hinted to -Peggotty that she would find Mr. Spenlow much recovered from the -shock of Mr. Barkis's decease; and indeed he came in like a -bridegroom. - -But neither Peggotty nor I had eyes for him, when we saw, in -company with him, Mr. Murdstone. He was very little changed. His -hair looked as thick, and was certainly as black, as ever; and his -glance was as little to be trusted as of old. - -'Ah, Copperfield?' said Mr. Spenlow. 'You know this gentleman, I -believe?' - -I made my gentleman a distant bow, and Peggotty barely recognized -him. He was, at first, somewhat disconcerted to meet us two -together; but quickly decided what to do, and came up to me. - -'I hope,' he said, 'that you are doing well?' - -'It can hardly be interesting to you,' said I. 'Yes, if you wish -to know.' - -We looked at each other, and he addressed himself to Peggotty. - -'And you,' said he. 'I am sorry to observe that you have lost your -husband.' - -'It's not the first loss I have had in my life, Mr. Murdstone,' -replied Peggotty, trembling from head to foot. 'I am glad to hope -that there is nobody to blame for this one, - nobody to answer for -it.' - -'Ha!' said he; 'that's a comfortable reflection. You have done -your duty?' - -'I have not worn anybody's life away,' said Peggotty, 'I am -thankful to think! No, Mr. Murdstone, I have not worrited and -frightened any sweet creetur to an early grave!' - -He eyed her gloomily - remorsefully I thought - for an instant; and -said, turning his head towards me, but looking at my feet instead -of my face: - -'We are not likely to encounter soon again; - a source of -satisfaction to us both, no doubt, for such meetings as this can -never be agreeable. I do not expect that you, who always rebelled -against my just authority, exerted for your benefit and -reformation, should owe me any good-will now. There is an -antipathy between us -' - -'An old one, I believe?' said I, interrupting him. - -He smiled, and shot as evil a glance at me as could come from his -dark eyes. - -'It rankled in your baby breast,' he said. 'It embittered the life -of your poor mother. You are right. I hope you may do better, -yet; I hope you may correct yourself.' - -Here he ended the dialogue, which had been carried on in a low -voice, in a corner of the outer office, by passing into Mr. -Spenlow's room, and saying aloud, in his smoothest manner: - -'Gentlemen of Mr. Spenlow's profession are accustomed to family -differences, and know how complicated and difficult they always -are!' With that, he paid the money for his licence; and, receiving -it neatly folded from Mr. Spenlow, together with a shake of the -hand, and a polite wish for his happiness and the lady's, went out -of the office. - -I might have had more difficulty in constraining myself to be -silent under his words, if I had had less difficulty in impressing -upon Peggotty (who was only angry on my account, good creature!) -that we were not in a place for recrimination, and that I besought -her to hold her peace. She was so unusually roused, that I was -glad to compound for an affectionate hug, elicited by this revival -in her mind of our old injuries, and to make the best I could of -it, before Mr. Spenlow and the clerks. - -Mr. Spenlow did not appear to know what the connexion between Mr. -Murdstone and myself was; which I was glad of, for I could not bear -to acknowledge him, even in my own breast, remembering what I did -of the history of my poor mother. Mr. Spenlow seemed to think, if -he thought anything about the matter, that my aunt was the leader -of the state party in our family, and that there was a rebel party -commanded by somebody else - so I gathered at least from what he -said, while we were waiting for Mr. Tiffey to make out Peggotty's -bill of costs. - -'Miss Trotwood,' he remarked, 'is very firm, no doubt, and not -likely to give way to opposition. I have an admiration for her -character, and I may congratulate you, Copperfield, on being on the -right side. Differences between relations are much to be deplored -- but they are extremely general - and the great thing is, to be on -the right side': meaning, I take it, on the side of the moneyed -interest. - -'Rather a good marriage this, I believe?' said Mr. Spenlow. - -I explained that I knew nothing about it. - -'Indeed!' he said. 'Speaking from the few words Mr. Murdstone -dropped - as a man frequently does on these occasions - and from -what Miss Murdstone let fall, I should say it was rather a good -marriage.' - -'Do you mean that there is money, sir?' I asked. - -'Yes,' said Mr. Spenlow, 'I understand there's money. Beauty too, -I am told.' - -'Indeed! Is his new wife young?' - -'Just of age,' said Mr. Spenlow. 'So lately, that I should think -they had been waiting for that.' - -'Lord deliver her!' said Peggotty. So very emphatically and -unexpectedly, that we were all three discomposed; until Tiffey came -in with the bill. - -Old Tiffey soon appeared, however, and handed it to Mr. Spenlow, to -look over. Mr. Spenlow, settling his chin in his cravat and -rubbing it softly, went over the items with a deprecatory air - as -if it were all Jorkins's doing - and handed it back to Tiffey with -a bland sigh. - -'Yes,' he said. 'That's right. Quite right. I should have been -extremely happy, Copperfield, to have limited these charges to the -actual expenditure out of pocket, but it is an irksome incident in -my professional life, that I am not at liberty to consult my own -wishes. I have a partner - Mr. Jorkins.' - -As he said this with a gentle melancholy, which was the next thing -to making no charge at all, I expressed my acknowledgements on -Peggotty's behalf, and paid Tiffey in banknotes. Peggotty then -retired to her lodging, and Mr. Spenlow and I went into Court, -where we had a divorce-suit coming on, under an ingenious little -statute (repealed now, I believe, but in virtue of which I have -seen several marriages annulled), of which the merits were these. -The husband, whose name was Thomas Benjamin, had taken out his -marriage licence as Thomas only; suppressing the Benjamin, in case -he should not find himself as comfortable as he expected. NOT -finding himself as comfortable as he expected, or being a little -fatigued with his wife, poor fellow, he now came forward, by a -friend, after being married a year or two, and declared that his -name was Thomas Benjamin, and therefore he was not married at all. -Which the Court confirmed, to his great satisfaction. - -I must say that I had my doubts about the strict justice of this, -and was not even frightened out of them by the bushel of wheat -which reconciles all anomalies. But Mr. Spenlow argued the matter -with me. He said, Look at the world, there was good and evil in -that; look at the ecclesiastical law, there was good and evil in -THAT. It was all part of a system. Very good. There you were! - -I had not the hardihood to suggest to Dora's father that possibly -we might even improve the world a little, if we got up early in the -morning, and took off our coats to the work; but I confessed that -I thought we might improve the Commons. Mr. Spenlow replied that -he would particularly advise me to dismiss that idea from my mind, -as not being worthy of my gentlemanly character; but that he would -be glad to hear from me of what improvement I thought the Commons -susceptible? - -Taking that part of the Commons which happened to be nearest to us -- for our man was unmarried by this time, and we were out of Court, -and strolling past the Prerogative Office - I submitted that I -thought the Prerogative Office rather a queerly managed -institution. Mr. Spenlow inquired in what respect? I replied, -with all due deference to his experience (but with more deference, -I am afraid, to his being Dora's father), that perhaps it was a -little nonsensical that the Registry of that Court, containing the -original wills of all persons leaving effects within the immense -province of Canterbury, for three whole centuries, should be an -accidental building, never designed for the purpose, leased by the -registrars for their Own private emolument, unsafe, not even -ascertained to be fire-proof, choked with the important documents -it held, and positively, from the roof to the basement, a mercenary -speculation of the registrars, who took great fees from the public, -and crammed the public's wills away anyhow and anywhere, having no -other object than to get rid of them cheaply. That, perhaps, it -was a little unreasonable that these registrars in the receipt of -profits amounting to eight or nine thousand pounds a year (to say -nothing of the profits of the deputy registrars, and clerks of -seats), should not be obliged to spend a little of that money, in -finding a reasonably safe place for the important documents which -all classes of people were compelled to hand over to them, whether -they would or no. That, perhaps, it was a little unjust, that all -the great offices in this great office should be magnificent -sinecures, while the unfortunate working-clerks in the cold dark -room upstairs were the worst rewarded, and the least considered -men, doing important services, in London. That perhaps it was a -little indecent that the principal registrar of all, whose duty it -was to find the public, constantly resorting to this place, all -needful accommodation, should be an enormous sinecurist in virtue -of that post (and might be, besides, a clergyman, a pluralist, the -holder of a staff in a cathedral, and what not), - while the public -was put to the inconvenience of which we had a specimen every -afternoon when the office was busy, and which we knew to be quite -monstrous. That, perhaps, in short, this Prerogative Office of the -diocese of Canterbury was altogether such a pestilent job, and such -a pernicious absurdity, that but for its being squeezed away in a -corner of St. Paul's Churchyard, which few people knew, it must -have been turned completely inside out, and upside down, long ago. - -Mr. Spenlow smiled as I became modestly warm on the subject, and -then argued this question with me as he had argued the other. He -said, what was it after all? It was a question of feeling. If the -public felt that their wills were in safe keeping, and took it for -granted that the office was not to be made better, who was the -worse for it? Nobody. Who was the better for it? All the -Sinecurists. Very well. Then the good predominated. It might not -be a perfect system; nothing was perfect; but what he objected to, -was, the insertion of the wedge. Under the Prerogative Office, the -country had been glorious. Insert the wedge into the Prerogative -Office, and the country would cease to be glorious. He considered -it the principle of a gentleman to take things as he found them; -and he had no doubt the Prerogative Office would last our time. I -deferred to his opinion, though I had great doubts of it myself. -I find he was right, however; for it has not only lasted to the -present moment, but has done so in the teeth of a great -parliamentary report made (not too willingly) eighteen years ago, -when all these objections of mine were set forth in detail, and -when the existing stowage for wills was described as equal to the -accumulation of only two years and a half more. What they have -done with them since; whether they have lost many, or whether they -sell any, now and then, to the butter shops; I don't know. I am -glad mine is not there, and I hope it may not go there, yet awhile. - -I have set all this down, in my present blissful chapter, because -here it comes into its natural place. Mr. Spenlow and I falling -into this conversation, prolonged it and our saunter to and fro, -until we diverged into general topics. And so it came about, in -the end, that Mr. Spenlow told me this day week was Dora's -birthday, and he would be glad if I would come down and join a -little picnic on the occasion. I went out of my senses -immediately; became a mere driveller next day, on receipt of a -little lace-edged sheet of note-paper, 'Favoured by papa. To -remind'; and passed the intervening period in a state of dotage. - -I think I committed every possible absurdity in the way of -preparation for this blessed event. I turn hot when I remember the -cravat I bought. My boots might be placed in any collection of -instruments of torture. I provided, and sent down by the Norwood -coach the night before, a delicate little hamper, amounting in -itself, I thought, almost to a declaration. There were crackers in -it with the tenderest mottoes that could be got for money. At six -in the morning, I was in Covent Garden Market, buying a bouquet for -Dora. At ten I was on horseback (I hired a gallant grey, for the -occasion), with the bouquet in my hat, to keep it fresh, trotting -down to Norwood. - -I suppose that when I saw Dora in the garden and pretended not to -see her, and rode past the house pretending to be anxiously looking -for it, I committed two small fooleries which other young gentlemen -in my circumstances might have committed - because they came so -very natural to me. But oh! when I DID find the house, and DID -dismount at the garden-gate, and drag those stony-hearted boots -across the lawn to Dora sitting on a garden-seat under a lilac -tree, what a spectacle she was, upon that beautiful morning, among -the butterflies, in a white chip bonnet and a dress of celestial -blue! There was a young lady with her - comparatively stricken in -years - almost twenty, I should say. Her name was Miss Mills. And -Dora called her Julia. She was the bosom friend of Dora. Happy -Miss Mills! - -Jip was there, and Jip WOULD bark at me again. When I presented my -bouquet, he gnashed his teeth with jealousy. Well he might. If he -had the least idea how I adored his mistress, well he might! - -'Oh, thank you, Mr. Copperfield! What dear flowers!' said Dora. - -I had had an intention of saying (and had been studying the best -form of words for three miles) that I thought them beautiful before -I saw them so near HER. But I couldn't manage it. She was too -bewildering. To see her lay the flowers against her little dimpled -chin, was to lose all presence of mind and power of language in a -feeble ecstasy. I wonder I didn't say, 'Kill me, if you have a -heart, Miss Mills. Let me die here!' - -Then Dora held my flowers to Jip to smell. Then Jip growled, and -wouldn't smell them. Then Dora laughed, and held them a little -closer to Jip, to make him. Then Jip laid hold of a bit of -geranium with his teeth, and worried imaginary cats in it. Then -Dora beat him, and pouted, and said, 'My poor beautiful flowers!' -as compassionately, I thought, as if Jip had laid hold of me. I -wished he had! - -'You'll be so glad to hear, Mr. Copperfield,' said Dora, 'that that -cross Miss Murdstone is not here. She has gone to her brother's -marriage, and will be away at least three weeks. Isn't that -delightful?' - -I said I was sure it must be delightful to her, and all that was -delightful to her was delightful to me. Miss Mills, with an air of -superior wisdom and benevolence, smiled upon us. - -'She is the most disagreeable thing I ever saw,' said Dora. 'You -can't believe how ill-tempered and shocking she is, Julia.' - -'Yes, I can, my dear!' said Julia. - -'YOU can, perhaps, love,' returned Dora, with her hand on julia's. -'Forgive my not excepting you, my dear, at first.' - -I learnt, from this, that Miss Mills had had her trials in the -course of a chequered existence; and that to these, perhaps, I -might refer that wise benignity of manner which I had already -noticed. I found, in the course of the day, that this was the -case: Miss Mills having been unhappy in a misplaced affection, and -being understood to have retired from the world on her awful stock -of experience, but still to take a calm interest in the unblighted -hopes and loves of youth. - -But now Mr. Spenlow came out of the house, and Dora went to him, -saying, 'Look, papa, what beautiful flowers!' And Miss Mills smiled -thoughtfully, as who should say, 'Ye Mayflies, enjoy your brief -existence in the bright morning of life!' And we all walked from -the lawn towards the carriage, which was getting ready. - -I shall never have such a ride again. I have never had such -another. There were only those three, their hamper, my hamper, and -the guitar-case, in the phaeton; and, of course, the phaeton was -open; and I rode behind it, and Dora sat with her back to the -horses, looking towards me. She kept the bouquet close to her on -the cushion, and wouldn't allow Jip to sit on that side of her at -all, for fear he should crush it. She often carried it in her -hand, often refreshed herself with its fragrance. Our eyes at -those times often met; and my great astonishment is that I didn't -go over the head of my gallant grey into the carriage. - -There was dust, I believe. There was a good deal of dust, I -believe. I have a faint impression that Mr. Spenlow remonstrated -with me for riding in it; but I knew of none. I was sensible of a -mist of love and beauty about Dora, but of nothing else. He stood -up sometimes, and asked me what I thought of the prospect. I said -it was delightful, and I dare say it was; but it was all Dora to -me. The sun shone Dora, and the birds sang Dora. The south wind -blew Dora, and the wild flowers in the hedges were all Doras, to a -bud. My comfort is, Miss Mills understood me. Miss Mills alone -could enter into my feelings thoroughly. - -I don't know how long we were going, and to this hour I know as -little where we went. Perhaps it was near Guildford. Perhaps some -Arabian-night magician, opened up the place for the day, and shut -it up for ever when we came away. It was a green spot, on a hill, -carpeted with soft turf. There were shady trees, and heather, and, -as far as the eye could see, a rich landscape. - -It was a trying thing to find people here, waiting for us; and my -jealousy, even of the ladies, knew no bounds. But all of my own -sex - especially one impostor, three or four years my elder, with -a red whisker, on which he established an amount of presumption not -to be endured - were my mortal foes. - -We all unpacked our baskets, and employed ourselves in getting -dinner ready. Red Whisker pretended he could make a salad (which -I don't believe), and obtruded himself on public notice. Some of -the young ladies washed the lettuces for him, and sliced them under -his directions. Dora was among these. I felt that fate had pitted -me against this man, and one of us must fall. - -Red Whisker made his salad (I wondered how they could eat it. -Nothing should have induced ME to touch it!) and voted himself into -the charge of the wine-cellar, which he constructed, being an -ingenious beast, in the hollow trunk of a tree. By and by, I saw -him, with the majority of a lobster on his plate, eating his dinner -at the feet of Dora! - -I have but an indistinct idea of what happened for some time after -this baleful object presented itself to my view. I was very merry, -I know; but it was hollow merriment. I attached myself to a young -creature in pink, with little eyes, and flirted with her -desperately. She received my attentions with favour; but whether -on my account solely, or because she had any designs on Red -Whisker, I can't say. Dora's health was drunk. When I drank it, -I affected to interrupt my conversation for that purpose, and to -resume it immediately afterwards. I caught Dora's eye as I bowed -to her, and I thought it looked appealing. But it looked at me -over the head of Red Whisker, and I was adamant. - -The young creature in pink had a mother in green; and I rather -think the latter separated us from motives of policy. Howbeit, -there was a general breaking up of the party, while the remnants of -the dinner were being put away; and I strolled off by myself among -the trees, in a raging and remorseful state. I was debating -whether I should pretend that I was not well, and fly - I don't -know where - upon my gallant grey, when Dora and Miss Mills met me. - -'Mr. Copperfield,' said Miss Mills, 'you are dull.' - -I begged her pardon. Not at all. - -'And Dora,' said Miss Mills, 'YOU are dull.' - -Oh dear no! Not in the least. - -'Mr. Copperfield and Dora,' said Miss Mills, with an almost -venerable air. 'Enough of this. Do not allow a trivial -misunderstanding to wither the blossoms of spring, which, once put -forth and blighted, cannot be renewed. I speak,' said Miss Mills, -'from experience of the past - the remote, irrevocable past. The -gushing fountains which sparkle in the sun, must not be stopped in -mere caprice; the oasis in the desert of Sahara must not be plucked -up idly.' - -I hardly knew what I did, I was burning all over to that -extraordinary extent; but I took Dora's little hand and kissed it -- and she let me! I kissed Miss Mills's hand; and we all seemed, -to my thinking, to go straight up to the seventh heaven. -We did not come down again. We stayed up there all the evening. -At first we strayed to and fro among the trees: I with Dora's shy -arm drawn through mine: and Heaven knows, folly as it all was, it -would have been a happy fate to have been struck immortal with -those foolish feelings, and have stayed among the trees for ever! - -But, much too soon, we heard the others laughing and talking, and -calling 'where's Dora?' So we went back, and they wanted Dora to -sing. Red Whisker would have got the guitar-case out of the -carriage, but Dora told him nobody knew where it was, but I. So -Red Whisker was done for in a moment; and I got it, and I unlocked -it, and I took the guitar out, and I sat by her, and I held her -handkerchief and gloves, and I drank in every note of her dear -voice, and she sang to ME who loved her, and all the others might -applaud as much as they liked, but they had nothing to do with it! - -I was intoxicated with joy. I was afraid it was too happy to be -real, and that I should wake in Buckingham Street presently, and -hear Mrs. Crupp clinking the teacups in getting breakfast ready. -But Dora sang, and others sang, and Miss Mills sang - about the -slumbering echoes in the caverns of Memory; as if she were a -hundred years old - and the evening came on; and we had tea, with -the kettle boiling gipsy-fashion; and I was still as happy as ever. - -I was happier than ever when the party broke up, and the other -people, defeated Red Whisker and all, went their several ways, and -we went ours through the still evening and the dying light, with -sweet scents rising up around us. Mr. Spenlow being a little -drowsy after the champagne - honour to the soil that grew the -grape, to the grape that made the wine, to the sun that ripened it, -and to the merchant who adulterated it! - and being fast asleep in -a corner of the carriage, I rode by the side and talked to Dora. -She admired my horse and patted him - oh, what a dear little hand -it looked upon a horse! - and her shawl would not keep right, and -now and then I drew it round her with my arm; and I even fancied -that Jip began to see how it was, and to understand that he must -make up his mind to be friends with me. - -That sagacious Miss Mills, too; that amiable, though quite used up, -recluse; that little patriarch of something less than twenty, who -had done with the world, and mustn't on any account have the -slumbering echoes in the caverns of Memory awakened; what a kind -thing she did! - -'Mr. Copperfield,' said Miss Mills, 'come to this side of the -carriage a moment - if you can spare a moment. I want to speak to -you.' - -Behold me, on my gallant grey, bending at the side of Miss Mills, -with my hand upon the carriage door! - -'Dora is coming to stay with me. She is coming home with me the -day after tomorrow. If you would like to call, I am sure papa -would be happy to see you.' -What could I do but invoke a silent blessing on Miss Mills's head, -and store Miss Mills's address in the securest corner of my memory! -What could I do but tell Miss Mills, with grateful looks and -fervent words, how much I appreciated her good offices, and what an -inestimable value I set upon her friendship! - -Then Miss Mills benignantly dismissed me, saying, 'Go back to -Dora!' and I went; and Dora leaned out of the carriage to talk to -me, and we talked all the rest of the way; and I rode my gallant -grey so close to the wheel that I grazed his near fore leg against -it, and 'took the bark off', as his owner told me, 'to the tune of -three pun' sivin' - which I paid, and thought extremely cheap for -so much joy. What time Miss Mills sat looking at the moon, -murmuring verses- and recalling, I suppose, the ancient days when -she and earth had anything in common. - -Norwood was many miles too near, and we reached it many hours too -soon; but Mr. Spenlow came to himself a little short of it, and -said, 'You must come in, Copperfield, and rest!' and I consenting, -we had sandwiches and wine-and-water. In the light room, Dora -blushing looked so lovely, that I could not tear myself away, but -sat there staring, in a dream, until the snoring of Mr. Spenlow -inspired me with sufficient consciousness to take my leave. So we -parted; I riding all the way to London with the farewell touch of -Dora's hand still light on mine, recalling every incident and word -ten thousand times; lying down in my own bed at last, as enraptured -a young noodle as ever was carried out of his five wits by love. - -When I awoke next morning, I was resolute to declare my passion to -Dora, and know my fate. Happiness or misery was now the question. -There was no other question that I knew of in the world, and only -Dora could give the answer to it. I passed three days in a luxury -of wretchedness, torturing myself by putting every conceivable -variety of discouraging construction on all that ever had taken -place between Dora and me. At last, arrayed for the purpose at a -vast expense, I went to Miss Mills's, fraught with a declaration. - -How many times I went up and down the street, and round the square -- painfully aware of being a much better answer to the old riddle -than the original one - before I could persuade myself to go up the -steps and knock, is no matter now. Even when, at last, I had -knocked, and was waiting at the door, I had some flurried thought -of asking if that were Mr. Blackboy's (in imitation of poor -Barkis), begging pardon, and retreating. But I kept my ground. - -Mr. Mills was not at home. I did not expect he would be. Nobody -wanted HIM. Miss Mills was at home. Miss Mills would do. - -I was shown into a room upstairs, where Miss Mills and Dora were. -Jip was there. Miss Mills was copying music (I recollect, it was -a new song, called 'Affection's Dirge'), and Dora was painting -flowers. What were my feelings, when I recognized my own flowers; -the identical Covent Garden Market purchase! I cannot say that -they were very like, or that they particularly resembled any -flowers that have ever come under my observation; but I knew from -the paper round them which was accurately copied, what the -composition was. - -Miss Mills was very glad to see me, and very sorry her papa was not -at home: though I thought we all bore that with fortitude. Miss -Mills was conversational for a few minutes, and then, laying down -her pen upon 'Affection's Dirge', got up, and left the room. - -I began to think I would put it off till tomorrow. - -'I hope your poor horse was not tired, when he got home at night,' -said Dora, lifting up her beautiful eyes. 'It was a long way for -him.' - -I began to think I would do it today. - -'It was a long way for him,' said I, 'for he had nothing to uphold -him on the journey.' - -'Wasn't he fed, poor thing?' asked Dora. - -I began to think I would put it off till tomorrow. - -'Ye-yes,' I said, 'he was well taken care of. I mean he had not -the unutterable happiness that I had in being so near you.' - -Dora bent her head over her drawing and said, after a little while -- I had sat, in the interval, in a burning fever, and with my legs -in a very rigid state - - -'You didn't seem to be sensible of that happiness yourself, at one -time of the day.' - -I saw now that I was in for it, and it must be done on the spot. - -'You didn't care for that happiness in the least,' said Dora, -slightly raising her eyebrows, and shaking her head, 'when you were -sitting by Miss Kitt.' - -Kitt, I should observe, was the name of the creature in pink, with -the little eyes. - -'Though certainly I don't know why you should,' said Dora, or why -you should call it a happiness at all. But of course you don't -mean what you say. And I am sure no one doubts your being at -liberty to do whatever you like. Jip, you naughty boy, come here!' - -I don't know how I did it. I did it in a moment. I intercepted -Jip. I had Dora in my arms. I was full of eloquence. I never -stopped for a word. I told her how I loved her. I told her I -should die without her. I told her that I idolized and worshipped -her. Jip barked madly all the time. - -When Dora hung her head and cried, and trembled, my eloquence -increased so much the more. If she would like me to die for her, -she had but to say the word, and I was ready. Life without Dora's -love was not a thing to have on any terms. I couldn't bear it, and -I wouldn't. I had loved her every minute, day and night, since I -first saw her. I loved her at that minute to distraction. I -should always love her, every minute, to distraction. Lovers had -loved before, and lovers would love again; but no lover had loved, -might, could, would, or should ever love, as I loved Dora. The -more I raved, the more Jip barked. Each of us, in his own way, got -more mad every moment. - -Well, well! Dora and I were sitting on the sofa by and by, quiet -enough, and Jip was lying in her lap, winking peacefully at me. It -was off my mind. I was in a state of perfect rapture. Dora and I -were engaged. - -I suppose we had some notion that this was to end in marriage. We -must have had some, because Dora stipulated that we were never to -be married without her papa's consent. But, in our youthful -ecstasy, I don't think that we really looked before us or behind -us; or had any aspiration beyond the ignorant present. We were to -keep our secret from Mr. Spenlow; but I am sure the idea never -entered my head, then, that there was anything dishonourable in -that. - -Miss Mills was more than usually pensive when Dora, going to find -her, brought her back; - I apprehend, because there was a tendency -in what had passed to awaken the slumbering echoes in the caverns -of Memory. But she gave us her blessing, and the assurance of her -lasting friendship, and spoke to us, generally, as became a Voice -from the Cloister. - -What an idle time it was! What an insubstantial, happy, foolish -time it was! - -When I measured Dora's finger for a ring that was to be made of -Forget-me-nots, and when the jeweller, to whom I took the measure, -found me out, and laughed over his order-book, and charged me -anything he liked for the pretty little toy, with its blue stones -- so associated in my remembrance with Dora's hand, that yesterday, -when I saw such another, by chance, on the finger of my own -daughter, there was a momentary stirring in my heart, like pain! - -When I walked about, exalted with my secret, and full of my own -interest, and felt the dignity of loving Dora, and of being -beloved, so much, that if I had walked the air, I could not have -been more above the people not so situated, who were creeping on -the earth! - -When we had those meetings in the garden of the square, and sat -within the dingy summer-house, so happy, that I love the London -sparrows to this hour, for nothing else, and see the plumage of the -tropics in their smoky feathers! -When we had our first great quarrel (within a week of our -betrothal), and when Dora sent me back the ring, enclosed in a -despairing cocked-hat note, wherein she used the terrible -expression that 'our love had begun in folly, and ended in -madness!' which dreadful words occasioned me to tear my hair, and -cry that all was over! - -When, under cover of the night, I flew to Miss Mills, whom I saw by -stealth in a back kitchen where there was a mangle, and implored -Miss Mills to interpose between us and avert insanity. When Miss -Mills undertook the office and returned with Dora, exhorting us, -from the pulpit of her own bitter youth, to mutual concession, and -the avoidance of the Desert of Sahara! - -When we cried, and made it up, and were so blest again, that the -back kitchen, mangle and all, changed to Love's own temple, where -we arranged a plan of correspondence through Miss Mills, always to -comprehend at least one letter on each side every day! - -What an idle time! What an insubstantial, happy, foolish time! Of -all the times of mine that Time has in his grip, there is none that -in one retrospect I can smile at half so much, and think of half so -tenderly. - - - -CHAPTER 34 -MY AUNT ASTONISHES ME - - -I wrote to Agnes as soon as Dora and I were engaged. I wrote her -a long letter, in which I tried to make her comprehend how blest I -was, and what a darling Dora was. I entreated Agnes not to regard -this as a thoughtless passion which could ever yield to any other, -or had the least resemblance to the boyish fancies that we used to -joke about. I assured her that its profundity was quite -unfathomable, and expressed my belief that nothing like it had ever -been known. - -Somehow, as I wrote to Agnes on a fine evening by my open window, -and the remembrance of her clear calm eyes and gentle face came -stealing over me, it shed such a peaceful influence upon the hurry -and agitation in which I had been living lately, and of which my -very happiness partook in some degree, that it soothed me into -tears. I remember that I sat resting my head upon my hand, when -the letter was half done, cherishing a general fancy as if Agnes -were one of the elements of my natural home. As if, in the -retirement of the house made almost sacred to me by her presence, -Dora and I must be happier than anywhere. As if, in love, joy, -sorrow, hope, or disappointment; in all emotions; my heart turned -naturally there, and found its refuge and best friend. - -Of Steerforth I said nothing. I only told her there had been sad -grief at Yarmouth, on account of Emily's flight; and that on me it -made a double wound, by reason of the circumstances attending it. -I knew how quick she always was to divine the truth, and that she -would never be the first to breathe his name. - -To this letter, I received an answer by return of post. As I read -it, I seemed to hear Agnes speaking to me. It was like her cordial -voice in my ears. What can I say more! - -While I had been away from home lately, Traddles had called twice -or thrice. Finding Peggotty within, and being informed by Peggotty -(who always volunteered that information to whomsoever would -receive it), that she was my old nurse, he had established a -good-humoured acquaintance with her, and had stayed to have a -little chat with her about me. So Peggotty said; but I am afraid -the chat was all on her own side, and of immoderate length, as she -was very difficult indeed to stop, God bless her! when she had me -for her theme. - -This reminds me, not only that I expected Traddles on a certain -afternoon of his own appointing, which was now come, but that Mrs. -Crupp had resigned everything appertaining to her office (the -salary excepted) until Peggotty should cease to present herself. -Mrs. Crupp, after holding divers conversations respecting Peggotty, -in a very high-pitched voice, on the staircase - with some -invisible Familiar it would appear, for corporeally speaking she -was quite alone at those times - addressed a letter to me, -developing her views. Beginning it with that statement of -universal application, which fitted every occurrence of her life, -namely, that she was a mother herself, she went on to inform me -that she had once seen very different days, but that at all periods -of her existence she had had a constitutional objection to spies, -intruders, and informers. She named no names, she said; let them -the cap fitted, wear it; but spies, intruders, and informers, -especially in widders' weeds (this clause was underlined), she had -ever accustomed herself to look down upon. If a gentleman was the -victim of spies, intruders, and informers (but still naming no -names), that was his own pleasure. He had a right to please -himself; so let him do. All that she, Mrs. Crupp, stipulated for, -was, that she should not be 'brought in contract' with such -persons. Therefore she begged to be excused from any further -attendance on the top set, until things were as they formerly was, -and as they could be wished to be; and further mentioned that her -little book would be found upon the breakfast-table every Saturday -morning, when she requested an immediate settlement of the same, -with the benevolent view of saving trouble 'and an ill-conwenience' -to all parties. - -After this, Mrs. Crupp confined herself to making pitfalls on the -stairs, principally with pitchers, and endeavouring to delude -Peggotty into breaking her legs. I found it rather harassing to -live in this state of siege, but was too much afraid of Mrs. Crupp -to see any way out of it. - -'My dear Copperfield,' cried Traddles, punctually appearing at my -door, in spite of all these obstacles, 'how do you do?' - -'My dear Traddles,' said I, 'I am delighted to see you at last, and -very sorry I have not been at home before. But I have been so much -engaged -' - -'Yes, yes, I know,' said Traddles, 'of course. Yours lives in -London, I think.' - -'What did you say?' - -'She - excuse me - Miss D., you know,' said Traddles, colouring in -his great delicacy, 'lives in London, I believe?' - -'Oh yes. Near London.' - -'Mine, perhaps you recollect,' said Traddles, with a serious look, -'lives down in Devonshire - one of ten. Consequently, I am not so -much engaged as you - in that sense.' - -'I wonder you can bear,' I returned, 'to see her so seldom.' - -'Hah!' said Traddles, thoughtfully. 'It does seem a wonder. I -suppose it is, Copperfield, because there is no help for it?' - -'I suppose so,' I replied with a smile, and not without a blush. -'And because you have so much constancy and patience, Traddles.' - -'Dear me!' said Traddles, considering about it, 'do I strike you in -that way, Copperfield? Really I didn't know that I had. But she -is such an extraordinarily dear girl herself, that it's possible -she may have imparted something of those virtues to me. Now you -mention it, Copperfield, I shouldn't wonder at all. I assure you -she is always forgetting herself, and taking care of the other -nine.' - -'Is she the eldest?' I inquired. - -'Oh dear, no,' said Traddles. 'The eldest is a Beauty.' - -He saw, I suppose, that I could not help smiling at the simplicity -of this reply; and added, with a smile upon his own ingenuous face: - -'Not, of course, but that my Sophy - pretty name, Copperfield, I -always think?' - -'Very pretty!' said I. - -'Not, of course, but that Sophy is beautiful too in my eyes, and -would be one of the dearest girls that ever was, in anybody's eyes -(I should think). But when I say the eldest is a Beauty, I mean -she really is a -' he seemed to be describing clouds about himself, -with both hands: 'Splendid, you know,' said Traddles, -energetically. -'Indeed!' said I. - -'Oh, I assure you,' said Traddles, 'something very uncommon, -indeed! Then, you know, being formed for society and admiration, -and not being able to enjoy much of it in consequence of their -limited means, she naturally gets a little irritable and exacting, -sometimes. Sophy puts her in good humour!' - -'Is Sophy the youngest?' I hazarded. - -'Oh dear, no!' said Traddles, stroking his chin. 'The two youngest -are only nine and ten. Sophy educates 'em.' - -'The second daughter, perhaps?' I hazarded. - -'No,' said Traddles. 'Sarah's the second. Sarah has something the -matter with her spine, poor girl. The malady will wear out by and -by, the doctors say, but in the meantime she has to lie down for a -twelvemonth. Sophy nurses her. Sophy's the fourth.' - -'Is the mother living?' I inquired. - -'Oh yes,' said Traddles, 'she is alive. She is a very superior -woman indeed, but the damp country is not adapted to her -constitution, and - in fact, she has lost the use of her limbs.' - -'Dear me!' said I. - -'Very sad, is it not?' returned Traddles. 'But in a merely -domestic view it is not so bad as it might be, because Sophy takes -her place. She is quite as much a mother to her mother, as she is -to the other nine.' - -I felt the greatest admiration for the virtues of this young lady; -and, honestly with the view of doing my best to prevent the -good-nature of Traddles from being imposed upon, to the detriment -of their joint prospects in life, inquired how Mr. Micawber was? - -'He is quite well, Copperfield, thank you,' said Traddles. 'I am -not living with him at present.' - -'No?' - -'No. You see the truth is,' said Traddles, in a whisper, 'he had -changed his name to Mortimer, in consequence of his temporary -embarrassments; and he don't come out till after dark - and then in -spectacles. There was an execution put into our house, for rent. -Mrs. Micawber was in such a dreadful state that I really couldn't -resist giving my name to that second bill we spoke of here. You -may imagine how delightful it was to my feelings, Copperfield, to -see the matter settled with it, and Mrs. Micawber recover her -spirits.' - -'Hum!' said I. -'Not that her happiness was of long duration,' pursued Traddles, -'for, unfortunately, within a week another execution came in. It -broke up the establishment. I have been living in a furnished -apartment since then, and the Mortimers have been very private -indeed. I hope you won't think it selfish, Copperfield, if I -mention that the broker carried off my little round table with the -marble top, and Sophy's flower-pot and stand?' - -'What a hard thing!' I exclaimed indignantly. - -'It was a - it was a pull,' said Traddles, with his usual wince at -that expression. 'I don't mention it reproachfully, however, but -with a motive. The fact is, Copperfield, I was unable to -repurchase them at the time of their seizure; in the first place, -because the broker, having an idea that I wanted them, ran the -price up to an extravagant extent; and, in the second place, -because I - hadn't any money. Now, I have kept my eye since, upon -the broker's shop,' said Traddles, with a great enjoyment of his -mystery, 'which is up at the top of Tottenham Court Road, and, at -last, today I find them put out for sale. I have only noticed them -from over the way, because if the broker saw me, bless you, he'd -ask any price for them! What has occurred to me, having now the -money, is, that perhaps you wouldn't object to ask that good nurse -of yours to come with me to the shop - I can show it her from round -the corner of the next street - and make the best bargain for them, -as if they were for herself, that she can!' - -The delight with which Traddles propounded this plan to me, and the -sense he had of its uncommon artfulness, are among the freshest -things in my remembrance. - -I told him that my old nurse would be delighted to assist him, and -that we would all three take the field together, but on one -condition. That condition was, that he should make a solemn -resolution to grant no more loans of his name, or anything else, to -Mr. Micawber. - -'My dear Copperfield,' said Traddles, 'I have already done so, -because I begin to feel that I have not only been inconsiderate, -but that I have been positively unjust to Sophy. My word being -passed to myself, there is no longer any apprehension; but I pledge -it to you, too, with the greatest readiness. That first unlucky -obligation, I have paid. I have no doubt Mr. Micawber would have -paid it if he could, but he could not. One thing I ought to -mention, which I like very much in Mr. Micawber, Copperfield. It -refers to the second obligation, which is not yet due. He don't -tell me that it is provided for, but he says it WILL BE. Now, I -think there is something very fair and honest about that!' - -I was unwilling to damp my good friend's confidence, and therefore -assented. After a little further conversation, we went round to -the chandler's shop, to enlist Peggotty; Traddles declining to pass -the evening with me, both because he endured the liveliest -apprehensions that his property would be bought by somebody else -before he could re-purchase it, and because it was the evening he -always devoted to writing to the dearest girl in the world. - -I never shall forget him peeping round the corner of the street in -Tottenham Court Road, while Peggotty was bargaining for the -precious articles; or his agitation when she came slowly towards us -after vainly offering a price, and was hailed by the relenting -broker, and went back again. The end of the negotiation was, that -she bought the property on tolerably easy terms, and Traddles was -transported with pleasure. - -'I am very much obliged to you, indeed,' said Traddles, on hearing -it was to be sent to where he lived, that night. 'If I might ask -one other favour, I hope you would not think it absurd, -Copperfield?' - -I said beforehand, certainly not. - -'Then if you WOULD be good enough,' said Traddles to Peggotty, 'to -get the flower-pot now, I think I should like (it being Sophy's, -Copperfield) to carry it home myself!' - -Peggotty was glad to get it for him, and he overwhelmed her with -thanks, and went his way up Tottenham Court Road, carrying the -flower-pot affectionately in his arms, with one of the most -delighted expressions of countenance I ever saw. - -We then turned back towards my chambers. As the shops had charms -for Peggotty which I never knew them possess in the same degree for -anybody else, I sauntered easily along, amused by her staring in at -the windows, and waiting for her as often as she chose. We were -thus a good while in getting to the Adelphi. - -On our way upstairs, I called her attention to the sudden -disappearance of Mrs. Crupp's pitfalls, and also to the prints of -recent footsteps. We were both very much surprised, coming higher -up, to find my outer door standing open (which I had shut) and to -hear voices inside. - -We looked at one another, without knowing what to make of this, and -went into the sitting-room. What was my amazement to find, of all -people upon earth, my aunt there, and Mr. Dick! My aunt sitting on -a quantity of luggage, with her two birds before her, and her cat -on her knee, like a female Robinson Crusoe, drinking tea. Mr. Dick -leaning thoughtfully on a great kite, such as we had often been out -together to fly, with more luggage piled about him! - -'My dear aunt!' cried I. 'Why, what an unexpected pleasure!' - -We cordially embraced; and Mr. Dick and I cordially shook hands; -and Mrs. Crupp, who was busy making tea, and could not be too -attentive, cordially said she had knowed well as Mr. Copperfull -would have his heart in his mouth, when he see his dear relations. - -'Holloa!' said my aunt to Peggotty, who quailed before her awful -presence. 'How are YOU?' - -'You remember my aunt, Peggotty?' said I. - -'For the love of goodness, child,' exclaimed my aunt, 'don't call -the woman by that South Sea Island name! If she married and got -rid of it, which was the best thing she could do, why don't you -give her the benefit of the change? What's your name now, - P?' -said my aunt, as a compromise for the obnoxious appellation. - -'Barkis, ma'am,' said Peggotty, with a curtsey. - -'Well! That's human,' said my aunt. 'It sounds less as if you -wanted a missionary. How d'ye do, Barkis? I hope you're well?' - -Encouraged by these gracious words, and by my aunt's extending her -hand, Barkis came forward, and took the hand, and curtseyed her -acknowledgements. - -'We are older than we were, I see,' said my aunt. 'We have only -met each other once before, you know. A nice business we made of -it then! Trot, my dear, another cup.' - -I handed it dutifully to my aunt, who was in her usual inflexible -state of figure; and ventured a remonstrance with her on the -subject of her sitting on a box. - -'Let me draw the sofa here, or the easy-chair, aunt,' said I. 'Why -should you be so uncomfortable?' - -'Thank you, Trot,' replied my aunt, 'I prefer to sit upon my -property.' Here my aunt looked hard at Mrs. Crupp, and observed, -'We needn't trouble you to wait, ma'am.' - -'Shall I put a little more tea in the pot afore I go, ma'am?' said -Mrs. Crupp. - -'No, I thank you, ma'am,' replied my aunt. - -'Would you let me fetch another pat of butter, ma'am?' said Mrs. -Crupp. 'Or would you be persuaded to try a new-laid hegg? or -should I brile a rasher? Ain't there nothing I could do for your -dear aunt, Mr. Copperfull?' - -'Nothing, ma'am,' returned my aunt. 'I shall do very well, I thank -you.' - -Mrs. Crupp, who had been incessantly smiling to express sweet -temper, and incessantly holding her head on one side, to express a -general feebleness of constitution, and incessantly rubbing her -hands, to express a desire to be of service to all deserving -objects, gradually smiled herself, one-sided herself, and rubbed -herself, out of the room. -'Dick!' said my aunt. 'You know what I told you about time-servers -and wealth-worshippers?' - -Mr. Dick - with rather a scared look, as if he had forgotten it - -returned a hasty answer in the affirmative. - -'Mrs. Crupp is one of them,' said my aunt. 'Barkis, I'll trouble -you to look after the tea, and let me have another cup, for I don't -fancy that woman's pouring-out!' - -I knew my aunt sufficiently well to know that she had something of -importance on her mind, and that there was far more matter in this -arrival than a stranger might have supposed. I noticed how her eye -lighted on me, when she thought my attention otherwise occupied; -and what a curious process of hesitation appeared to be going on -within her, while she preserved her outward stiffness and -composure. I began to reflect whether I had done anything to -offend her; and my conscience whispered me that I had not yet told -her about Dora. Could it by any means be that, I wondered! - -As I knew she would only speak in her own good time, I sat down -near her, and spoke to the birds, and played with the cat, and was -as easy as I could be. But I was very far from being really easy; -and I should still have been so, even if Mr. Dick, leaning over the -great kite behind my aunt, had not taken every secret opportunity -of shaking his head darkly at me, and pointing at her. - -'Trot,' said my aunt at last, when she had finished her tea, and -carefully smoothed down her dress, and wiped her lips - 'you -needn't go, Barkis! - Trot, have you got to be firm and -self-reliant?' - -'I hope so, aunt.' - -'What do you think?' inquired Miss Betsey. - -'I think so, aunt.' - -'Then why, my love,' said my aunt, looking earnestly at me, 'why do -you think I prefer to sit upon this property of mine tonight?' - -I shook my head, unable to guess. - -'Because,' said my aunt, 'it's all I have. Because I'm ruined, my -dear!' - -If the house, and every one of us, had tumbled out into the river -together, I could hardly have received a greater shock. - -'Dick knows it,' said my aunt, laying her hand calmly on my -shoulder. 'I am ruined, my dear Trot! All I have in the world is -in this room, except the cottage; and that I have left Janet to -let. Barkis, I want to get a bed for this gentleman tonight. To -save expense, perhaps you can make up something here for myself. -Anything will do. It's only for tonight. We'll talk about this, -more, tomorrow.' - -I was roused from my amazement, and concern for her - I am sure, -for her - by her falling on my neck, for a moment, and crying that -she only grieved for me. In another moment she suppressed this -emotion; and said with an aspect more triumphant than dejected: - -'We must meet reverses boldly, and not suffer them to frighten us, -my dear. We must learn to act the play out. We must live -misfortune down, Trot!' - - - -CHAPTER 35 -DEPRESSION - - -As soon as I could recover my presence of mind, which quite -deserted me in the first overpowering shock of my aunt's -intelligence, I proposed to Mr. Dick to come round to the -chandler's shop, and take possession of the bed which Mr. Peggotty -had lately vacated. The chandler's shop being in Hungerford -Market, and Hungerford Market being a very different place in those -days, there was a low wooden colonnade before the door (not very -unlike that before the house where the little man and woman used to -live, in the old weather-glass), which pleased Mr. Dick mightily. -The glory of lodging over this structure would have compensated -him, I dare say, for many inconveniences; but, as there were really -few to bear, beyond the compound of flavours I have already -mentioned, and perhaps the want of a little more elbow-room, he was -perfectly charmed with his accommodation. Mrs. Crupp had -indignantly assured him that there wasn't room to swing a cat -there; but, as Mr. Dick justly observed to me, sitting down on the -foot of the bed, nursing his leg, 'You know, Trotwood, I don't want -to swing a cat. I never do swing a cat. Therefore, what does that -signify to ME!' - -I tried to ascertain whether Mr. Dick had any understanding of the -causes of this sudden and great change in my aunt's affairs. As I -might have expected, he had none at all. The only account he could -give of it was, that my aunt had said to him, the day before -yesterday, 'Now, Dick, are you really and truly the philosopher I -take you for?' That then he had said, Yes, he hoped so. That then -my aunt had said, 'Dick, I am ruined.' That then he had said, 'Oh, -indeed!' That then my aunt had praised him highly, which he was -glad of. And that then they had come to me, and had had bottled -porter and sandwiches on the road. - -Mr. Dick was so very complacent, sitting on the foot of the bed, -nursing his leg, and telling me this, with his eyes wide open and -a surprised smile, that I am sorry to say I was provoked into -explaining to him that ruin meant distress, want, and starvation; -but I was soon bitterly reproved for this harshness, by seeing his -face turn pale, and tears course down his lengthened cheeks, while -he fixed upon me a look of such unutterable woe, that it might have -softened a far harder heart than mine. I took infinitely greater -pains to cheer him up again than I had taken to depress him; and I -soon understood (as I ought to have known at first) that he had -been so confident, merely because of his faith in the wisest and -most wonderful of women, and his unbounded reliance on my -intellectual resources. The latter, I believe, he considered a -match for any kind of disaster not absolutely mortal. - -'What can we do, Trotwood?' said Mr. Dick. 'There's the Memorial --' - -'To be sure there is,' said I. 'But all we can do just now, Mr. -Dick, is to keep a cheerful countenance, and not let my aunt see -that we are thinking about it.' - -He assented to this in the most earnest manner; and implored me, if -I should see him wandering an inch out of the right course, to -recall him by some of those superior methods which were always at -my command. But I regret to state that the fright I had given him -proved too much for his best attempts at concealment. All the -evening his eyes wandered to my aunt's face, with an expression of -the most dismal apprehension, as if he saw her growing thin on the -spot. He was conscious of this, and put a constraint upon his -head; but his keeping that immovable, and sitting rolling his eyes -like a piece of machinery, did not mend the matter at all. I saw -him look at the loaf at supper (which happened to be a small one), -as if nothing else stood between us and famine; and when my aunt -insisted on his making his customary repast, I detected him in the -act of pocketing fragments of his bread and cheese; I have no doubt -for the purpose of reviving us with those savings, when we should -have reached an advanced stage of attenuation. - -My aunt, on the other hand, was in a composed frame of mind, which -was a lesson to all of us - to me, I am sure. She was extremely -gracious to Peggotty, except when I inadvertently called her by -that name; and, strange as I knew she felt in London, appeared -quite at home. She was to have my bed, and I was to lie in the -sitting-room, to keep guard over her. She made a great point of -being so near the river, in case of a conflagration; and I suppose -really did find some satisfaction in that circumstance. - -'Trot, my dear,' said my aunt, when she saw me making preparations -for compounding her usual night-draught, 'No!' - -'Nothing, aunt?' - -'Not wine, my dear. Ale.' - -'But there is wine here, aunt. And you always have it made of -wine.' - -'Keep that, in case of sickness,' said my aunt. 'We mustn't use it -carelessly, Trot. Ale for me. Half a pint.' - -I thought Mr. Dick would have fallen, insensible. My aunt being -resolute, I went out and got the ale myself. As it was growing -late, Peggotty and Mr. Dick took that opportunity of repairing to -the chandler's shop together. I parted from him, poor fellow, at -the corner of the street, with his great kite at his back, a very -monument of human misery. - -My aunt was walking up and down the room when I returned, crimping -the borders of her nightcap with her fingers. I warmed the ale and -made the toast on the usual infallible principles. When it was -ready for her, she was ready for it, with her nightcap on, and the -skirt of her gown turned back on her knees. - -'My dear,' said my aunt, after taking a spoonful of it; 'it's a -great deal better than wine. Not half so bilious.' - -I suppose I looked doubtful, for she added: - -'Tut, tut, child. If nothing worse than Ale happens to us, we are -well off.' - -'I should think so myself, aunt, I am sure,' said I. - -'Well, then, why DON'T you think so?' said my aunt. - -'Because you and I are very different people,' I returned. - -'Stuff and nonsense, Trot!' replied my aunt. - -MY aunt went on with a quiet enjoyment, in which there was very -little affectation, if any; drinking the warm ale with a tea-spoon, -and soaking her strips of toast in it. - -'Trot,' said she, 'I don't care for strange faces in general, but -I rather like that Barkis of yours, do you know!' - -'It's better than a hundred pounds to hear you say so!' said I. - -'It's a most extraordinary world,' observed my aunt, rubbing her -nose; 'how that woman ever got into it with that name, is -unaccountable to me. It would be much more easy to be born a -Jackson, or something of that sort, one would think.' - -'Perhaps she thinks so, too; it's not her fault,' said I. - -'I suppose not,' returned my aunt, rather grudging the admission; -'but it's very aggravating. However, she's Barkis now. That's -some comfort. Barkis is uncommonly fond of you, Trot.' - -'There is nothing she would leave undone to prove it,' said I. - -'Nothing, I believe,' returned my aunt. 'Here, the poor fool has -been begging and praying about handing over some of her money - -because she has got too much of it. A simpleton!' - -My aunt's tears of pleasure were positively trickling down into the -warm ale. - -'She's the most ridiculous creature that ever was born,' said my -aunt. 'I knew, from the first moment when I saw her with that poor -dear blessed baby of a mother of yours, that she was the most -ridiculous of mortals. But there are good points in Barkis!' - -Affecting to laugh, she got an opportunity of putting her hand to -her eyes. Having availed herself of it, she resumed her toast and -her discourse together. - -'Ah! Mercy upon us!' sighed my aunt. 'I know all about it, Trot! -Barkis and myself had quite a gossip while you were out with Dick. -I know all about it. I don't know where these wretched girls -expect to go to, for my part. I wonder they don't knock out their -brains against - against mantelpieces,' said my aunt; an idea which -was probably suggested to her by her contemplation of mine. - -'Poor Emily!' said I. - -'Oh, don't talk to me about poor,' returned my aunt. 'She should -have thought of that, before she caused so much misery! Give me a -kiss, Trot. I am sorry for your early experience.' - -As I bent forward, she put her tumbler on my knee to detain me, and -said: - -'Oh, Trot, Trot! And so you fancy yourself in love! Do you?' - -'Fancy, aunt!' I exclaimed, as red as I could be. 'I adore her -with my whole soul!' - -'Dora, indeed!' returned my aunt. 'And you mean to say the little -thing is very fascinating, I suppose?' - -'My dear aunt,' I replied, 'no one can form the least idea what she -is!' - -'Ah! And not silly?' said my aunt. - -'Silly, aunt!' - -I seriously believe it had never once entered my head for a single -moment, to consider whether she was or not. I resented the idea, -of course; but I was in a manner struck by it, as a new one -altogether. - -'Not light-headed?' said my aunt. - -'Light-headed, aunt!' I could only repeat this daring speculation -with the same kind of feeling with which I had repeated the -preceding question. - -'Well, well!' said my aunt. 'I only ask. I don't depreciate her. -Poor little couple! And so you think you were formed for one -another, and are to go through a party-supper-table kind of life, -like two pretty pieces of confectionery, do you, Trot?' - -She asked me this so kindly, and with such a gentle air, half -playful and half sorrowful, that I was quite touched. - -'We are young and inexperienced, aunt, I know,' I replied; 'and I -dare say we say and think a good deal that is rather foolish. But -we love one another truly, I am sure. If I thought Dora could ever -love anybody else, or cease to love me; or that I could ever love -anybody else, or cease to love her; I don't know what I should do -- go out of my mind, I think!' - -'Ah, Trot!' said my aunt, shaking her head, and smiling gravely; -'blind, blind, blind!' - -'Someone that I know, Trot,' my aunt pursued, after a pause, -'though of a very pliant disposition, has an earnestness of -affection in him that reminds me of poor Baby. Earnestness is what -that Somebody must look for, to sustain him and improve him, Trot. -Deep, downright, faithful earnestness.' - -'If you only knew the earnestness of Dora, aunt!' I cried. - -'Oh, Trot!' she said again; 'blind, blind!' and without knowing -why, I felt a vague unhappy loss or want of something overshadow me -like a cloud. - -'However,' said my aunt, 'I don't want to put two young creatures -out of conceit with themselves, or to make them unhappy; so, though -it is a girl and boy attachment, and girl and boy attachments very -often - mind! I don't say always! - come to nothing, still we'll be -serious about it, and hope for a prosperous issue one of these -days. There's time enough for it to come to anything!' - -This was not upon the whole very comforting to a rapturous lover; -but I was glad to have my aunt in my confidence, and I was mindful -of her being fatigued. So I thanked her ardently for this mark of -her affection, and for all her other kindnesses towards me; and -after a tender good night, she took her nightcap into my bedroom. - -How miserable I was, when I lay down! How I thought and thought -about my being poor, in Mr. Spenlow's eyes; about my not being what -I thought I was, when I proposed to Dora; about the chivalrous -necessity of telling Dora what my worldly condition was, and -releasing her from her engagement if she thought fit; about how I -should contrive to live, during the long term of my articles, when -I was earning nothing; about doing something to assist my aunt, and -seeing no way of doing anything; about coming down to have no money -in my pocket, and to wear a shabby coat, and to be able to carry -Dora no little presents, and to ride no gallant greys, and to show -myself in no agreeable light! Sordid and selfish as I knew it was, -and as I tortured myself by knowing that it was, to let my mind run -on my own distress so much, I was so devoted to Dora that I could -not help it. I knew that it was base in me not to think more of my -aunt, and less of myself; but, so far, selfishness was inseparable -from Dora, and I could not put Dora on one side for any mortal -creature. How exceedingly miserable I was, that night! - -As to sleep, I had dreams of poverty in all sorts of shapes, but I -seemed to dream without the previous ceremony of going to sleep. -Now I was ragged, wanting to sell Dora matches, six bundles for a -halfpenny; now I was at the office in a nightgown and boots, -remonstrated with by Mr. Spenlow on appearing before the clients in -that airy attire; now I was hungrily picking up the crumbs that -fell from old Tiffey's daily biscuit, regularly eaten when St. -Paul's struck one; now I was hopelessly endeavouring to get a -licence to marry Dora, having nothing but one of Uriah Heep's -gloves to offer in exchange, which the whole Commons rejected; and -still, more or less conscious of my own room, I was always tossing -about like a distressed ship in a sea of bed-clothes. - -My aunt was restless, too, for I frequently heard her walking to -and fro. Two or three times in the course of the night, attired in -a long flannel wrapper in which she looked seven feet high, she -appeared, like a disturbed ghost, in my room, and came to the side -of the sofa on which I lay. On the first occasion I started up in -alarm, to learn that she inferred from a particular light in the -sky, that Westminster Abbey was on fire; and to be consulted in -reference to the probability of its igniting Buckingham Street, in -case the wind changed. Lying still, after that, I found that she -sat down near me, whispering to herself 'Poor boy!' And then it -made me twenty times more wretched, to know how unselfishly mindful -she was of me, and how selfishly mindful I was of myself. - -It was difficult to believe that a night so long to me, could be -short to anybody else. This consideration set me thinking and -thinking of an imaginary party where people were dancing the hours -away, until that became a dream too, and I heard the music -incessantly playing one tune, and saw Dora incessantly dancing one -dance, without taking the least notice of me. The man who had been -playing the harp all night, was trying in vain to cover it with an -ordinary-sized nightcap, when I awoke; or I should rather say, when -I left off trying to go to sleep, and saw the sun shining in -through the window at last. - -There was an old Roman bath in those days at the bottom of one of -the streets out of the Strand - it may be there still - in which I -have had many a cold plunge. Dressing myself as quietly as I -could, and leaving Peggotty to look after my aunt, I tumbled head -foremost into it, and then went for a walk to Hampstead. I had a -hope that this brisk treatment might freshen my wits a little; and -I think it did them good, for I soon came to the conclusion that -the first step I ought to take was, to try if my articles could be -cancelled and the premium recovered. I got some breakfast on the -Heath, and walked back to Doctors' Commons, along the watered roads -and through a pleasant smell of summer flowers, growing in gardens -and carried into town on hucksters' heads, intent on this first -effort to meet our altered circumstances. - -I arrived at the office so soon, after all, that I had half an -hour's loitering about the Commons, before old Tiffey, who was -always first, appeared with his key. Then I sat down in my shady -corner, looking up at the sunlight on the opposite chimney-pots, -and thinking about Dora; until Mr. Spenlow came in, crisp and -curly. - -'How are you, Copperfield?' said he. 'Fine morning!' - -'Beautiful morning, sir,' said I. 'Could I say a word to you -before you go into Court?' - -'By all means,' said he. 'Come into my room.' - -I followed him into his room, and he began putting on his gown, and -touching himself up before a little glass he had, hanging inside a -closet door. - -'I am sorry to say,' said I, 'that I have some rather disheartening -intelligence from my aunt.' - -'No!' said he. 'Dear me! Not paralysis, I hope?' - -'It has no reference to her health, sir,' I replied. 'She has met -with some large losses. In fact, she has very little left, -indeed.' - -'You as-tound me, Copperfield!' cried Mr. Spenlow. - -I shook my head. 'Indeed, sir,' said I, 'her affairs are so -changed, that I wished to ask you whether it would be possible - at -a sacrifice on our part of some portion of the premium, of course,' -I put in this, on the spur of the moment, warned by the blank -expression of his face - 'to cancel my articles?' - -What it cost me to make this proposal, nobody knows. It was like -asking, as a favour, to be sentenced to transportation from Dora. - -'To cancel your articles, Copperfield? Cancel?' - -I explained with tolerable firmness, that I really did not know -where my means of subsistence were to come from, unless I could -earn them for myself. I had no fear for the future, I said - and -I laid great emphasis on that, as if to imply that I should still -be decidedly eligible for a son-in-law one of these days - but, for -the present, I was thrown upon my own resources. -'I am extremely sorry to hear this, Copperfield,' said Mr. Spenlow. -'Extremely sorry. It is not usual to cancel articles for any such -reason. It is not a professional course of proceeding. It is not -a convenient precedent at all. Far from it. At the same time -' - -'You are very good, sir,' I murmured, anticipating a concession. - -'Not at all. Don't mention it,' said Mr. Spenlow. 'At the same -time, I was going to say, if it had been my lot to have my hands -unfettered - if I had not a partner - Mr. Jorkins -' - -My hopes were dashed in a moment, but I made another effort. - -'Do you think, sir,' said I, 'if I were to mention it to Mr. -Jorkins -' - -Mr. Spenlow shook his head discouragingly. 'Heaven forbid, -Copperfield,' he replied, 'that I should do any man an injustice: -still less, Mr. jorkins. But I know my partner, Copperfield. Mr. -jorkins is not a man to respond to a proposition of this peculiar -nature. Mr. jorkins is very difficult to move from the beaten -track. You know what he is!' - -I am sure I knew nothing about him, except that he had originally -been alone in the business, and now lived by himself in a house -near Montagu Square, which was fearfully in want of painting; that -he came very late of a day, and went away very early; that he never -appeared to be consulted about anything; and that he had a dingy -little black-hole of his own upstairs, where no business was ever -done, and where there was a yellow old cartridge-paper pad upon his -desk, unsoiled by ink, and reported to be twenty years of age. - -'Would you object to my mentioning it to him, sir?' I asked. - -'By no means,' said Mr. Spenlow. 'But I have some experience of -Mr. jorkins, Copperfield. I wish it were otherwise, for I should -be happy to meet your views in any respect. I cannot have the -objection to your mentioning it to Mr. jorkins, Copperfield, if you -think it worth while.' - -Availing myself of this permission, which was given with a warm -shake of the hand, I sat thinking about Dora, and looking at the -sunlight stealing from the chimney-pots down the wall of the -opposite house, until Mr. jorkins came. I then went up to Mr. -jorkins's room, and evidently astonished Mr. jorkins very much by -making my appearance there. - -'Come in, Mr. Copperfield,' said Mr. jorkins. 'Come in!' - -I went in, and sat down; and stated my case to Mr. jorkins pretty -much as I had stated it to Mr. Spenlow. Mr. Jorkins was not by any -means the awful creature one might have expected, but a large, -mild, smooth-faced man of sixty, who took so much snuff that there -was a tradition in the Commons that he lived principally on that -stimulant, having little room in his system for any other article -of diet. - -'You have mentioned this to Mr. Spenlow, I suppose?' said Mr. -jorkins; when he had heard me, very restlessly, to an end. - -I answered Yes, and told him that Mr. Spenlow had introduced his -name. - -'He said I should object?' asked Mr. jorkins. - -I was obliged to admit that Mr. Spenlow had considered it probable. - -'I am sorry to say, Mr. Copperfield, I can't advance your object,' -said Mr. jorkins, nervously. 'The fact is - but I have an -appointment at the Bank, if you'll have the goodness to excuse me.' - -With that he rose in a great hurry, and was going out of the room, -when I made bold to say that I feared, then, there was no way of -arranging the matter? - -'No!' said Mr. jorkins, stopping at the door to shake his head. -'Oh, no! I object, you know,' which he said very rapidly, and went -out. 'You must be aware, Mr. Copperfield,' he added, looking -restlessly in at the door again, 'if Mr. Spenlow objects -' - -'Personally, he does not object, sir,' said I. - -'Oh! Personally!' repeated Mr. Jorkins, in an impatient manner. -'I assure you there's an objection, Mr. Copperfield. Hopeless! -What you wish to be done, can't be done. I - I really have got an -appointment at the Bank.' With that he fairly ran away; and to the -best of my knowledge, it was three days before he showed himself in -the Commons again. - -Being very anxious to leave no stone unturned, I waited until Mr. -Spenlow came in, and then described what had passed; giving him to -understand that I was not hopeless of his being able to soften the -adamantine jorkins, if he would undertake the task. - -'Copperfield,' returned Mr. Spenlow, with a gracious smile, 'you -have not known my partner, Mr. jorkins, as long as I have. Nothing -is farther from my thoughts than to attribute any degree of -artifice to Mr. jorkins. But Mr. jorkins has a way of stating his -objections which often deceives people. No, Copperfield!' shaking -his head. 'Mr. jorkins is not to be moved, believe me!' - -I was completely bewildered between Mr. Spenlow and Mr. jorkins, as -to which of them really was the objecting partner; but I saw with -sufficient clearness that there was obduracy somewhere in the firm, -and that the recovery of my aunt's thousand pounds was out of the -question. In a state of despondency, which I remember with -anything but satisfaction, for I know it still had too much -reference to myself (though always in connexion with Dora), I left -the office, and went homeward. - -I was trying to familiarize my mind with the worst, and to present -to myself the arrangements we should have to make for the future in -their sternest aspect, when a hackney-chariot coming after me, and -stopping at my very feet, occasioned me to look up. A fair hand -was stretched forth to me from the window; and the face I had never -seen without a feeling of serenity and happiness, from the moment -when it first turned back on the old oak staircase with the great -broad balustrade, and when I associated its softened beauty with -the stained-glass window in the church, was smiling on me. - -'Agnes!' I joyfully exclaimed. 'Oh, my dear Agnes, of all people -in the world, what a pleasure to see you!' - -'Is it, indeed?' she said, in her cordial voice. - -'I want to talk to you so much!' said I. 'It's such a lightening -of my heart, only to look at you! If I had had a conjuror's cap, -there is no one I should have wished for but you!' - -'What?' returned Agnes. - -'Well! perhaps Dora first,' I admitted, with a blush. - -'Certainly, Dora first, I hope,' said Agnes, laughing. - -'But you next!' said I. 'Where are you going?' - -She was going to my rooms to see my aunt. The day being very fine, -she was glad to come out of the chariot, which smelt (I had my head -in it all this time) like a stable put under a cucumber-frame. I -dismissed the coachman, and she took my arm, and we walked on -together. She was like Hope embodied, to me. How different I felt -in one short minute, having Agnes at my side! - -My aunt had written her one of the odd, abrupt notes - very little -longer than a Bank note - to which her epistolary efforts were -usually limited. She had stated therein that she had fallen into -adversity, and was leaving Dover for good, but had quite made up -her mind to it, and was so well that nobody need be uncomfortable -about her. Agnes had come to London to see my aunt, between whom -and herself there had been a mutual liking these many years: -indeed, it dated from the time of my taking up my residence in Mr. -Wickfield's house. She was not alone, she said. Her papa was with -her - and Uriah Heep. - -'And now they are partners,' said I. 'Confound him!' - -'Yes,' said Agnes. 'They have some business here; and I took -advantage of their coming, to come too. You must not think my -visit all friendly and disinterested, Trotwood, for - I am afraid -I may be cruelly prejudiced - I do not like to let papa go away -alone, with him.' -'Does he exercise the same influence over Mr. Wickfield still, -Agnes?' - -Agnes shook her head. 'There is such a change at home,' said she, -'that you would scarcely know the dear old house. They live with -us now.' - -'They?' said I. - -'Mr. Heep and his mother. He sleeps in your old room,' said Agnes, -looking up into my face. - -'I wish I had the ordering of his dreams,' said I. 'He wouldn't -sleep there long.' - -'I keep my own little room,' said Agnes, 'where I used to learn my -lessons. How the time goes! You remember? The little panelled -room that opens from the drawing-room?' - -'Remember, Agnes? When I saw you, for the first time, coming out -at the door, with your quaint little basket of keys hanging at your -side?' - -'It is just the same,' said Agnes, smiling. 'I am glad you think -of it so pleasantly. We were very happy.' - -'We were, indeed,' said I. - -'I keep that room to myself still; but I cannot always desert Mrs. -Heep, you know. And so,' said Agnes, quietly, 'I feel obliged to -bear her company, when I might prefer to be alone. But I have no -other reason to complain of her. If she tires me, sometimes, by -her praises of her son, it is only natural in a mother. He is a -very good son to her.' - -I looked at Agnes when she said these words, without detecting in -her any consciousness of Uriah's design. Her mild but earnest eyes -met mine with their own beautiful frankness, and there was no -change in her gentle face. - -'The chief evil of their presence in the house,' said Agnes, 'is -that I cannot be as near papa as I could wish - Uriah Heep being so -much between us - and cannot watch over him, if that is not too -bold a thing to say, as closely as I would. But if any fraud or -treachery is practising against him, I hope that simple love and -truth will be strong in the end. I hope that real love and truth -are stronger in the end than any evil or misfortune in the world.' - -A certain bright smile, which I never saw on any other face, died -away, even while I thought how good it was, and how familiar it had -once been to me; and she asked me, with a quick change of -expression (we were drawing very near my street), if I knew how the -reverse in my aunt's circumstances had been brought about. On my -replying no, she had not told me yet, Agnes became thoughtful, and -I fancied I felt her arm tremble in mine. - -We found my aunt alone, in a state of some excitement. A -difference of opinion had arisen between herself and Mrs. Crupp, on -an abstract question (the propriety of chambers being inhabited by -the gentler sex); and my aunt, utterly indifferent to spasms on the -part of Mrs. Crupp, had cut the dispute short, by informing that -lady that she smelt of my brandy, and that she would trouble her to -walk out. Both of these expressions Mrs. Crupp considered -actionable, and had expressed her intention of bringing before a -'British Judy' - meaning, it was supposed, the bulwark of our -national liberties. - -MY aunt, however, having had time to cool, while Peggotty was out -showing Mr. Dick the soldiers at the Horse Guards - and being, -besides, greatly pleased to see Agnes - rather plumed herself on -the affair than otherwise, and received us with unimpaired good -humour. When Agnes laid her bonnet on the table, and sat down -beside her, I could not but think, looking on her mild eyes and her -radiant forehead, how natural it seemed to have her there; how -trustfully, although she was so young and inexperienced, my aunt -confided in her; how strong she was, indeed, in simple love and -truth. - -We began to talk about my aunt's losses, and I told them what I had -tried to do that morning. - -'Which was injudicious, Trot,' said my aunt, 'but well meant. You -are a generous boy - I suppose I must say, young man, now - and I -am proud of you, my dear. So far, so good. Now, Trot and Agnes, -let us look the case of Betsey Trotwood in the face, and see how it -stands.' - -I observed Agnes turn pale, as she looked very attentively at my -aunt. My aunt, patting her cat, looked very attentively at Agnes. - -'Betsey Trotwood,' said my aunt, who had always kept her money -matters to herself. '- I don't mean your sister, Trot, my dear, -but myself - had a certain property. It don't matter how much; -enough to live on. More; for she had saved a little, and added to -it. Betsey funded her property for some time, and then, by the -advice of her man of business, laid it out on landed security. -That did very well, and returned very good interest, till Betsey -was paid off. I am talking of Betsey as if she was a man-of-war. -Well! Then, Betsey had to look about her, for a new investment. -She thought she was wiser, now, than her man of business, who was -not such a good man of business by this time, as he used to be - I -am alluding to your father, Agnes - and she took it into her head -to lay it out for herself. So she took her pigs,' said my aunt, -'to a foreign market; and a very bad market it turned out to be. -First, she lost in the mining way, and then she lost in the diving -way - fishing up treasure, or some such Tom Tiddler nonsense,' -explained my aunt, rubbing her nose; 'and then she lost in the -mining way again, and, last of all, to set the thing entirely to -rights, she lost in the banking way. I don't know what the Bank -shares were worth for a little while,' said my aunt; 'cent per cent -was the lowest of it, I believe; but the Bank was at the other end -of the world, and tumbled into space, for what I know; anyhow, it -fell to pieces, and never will and never can pay sixpence; and -Betsey's sixpences were all there, and there's an end of them. -Least said, soonest mended!' - -My aunt concluded this philosophical summary, by fixing her eyes -with a kind of triumph on Agnes, whose colour was gradually -returning. - -'Dear Miss Trotwood, is that all the history?' said Agnes. - -'I hope it's enough, child,' said my aunt. 'If there had been more -money to lose, it wouldn't have been all, I dare say. Betsey would -have contrived to throw that after the rest, and make another -chapter, I have little doubt. But there was no more money, and -there's no more story.' - -Agnes had listened at first with suspended breath. Her colour -still came and went, but she breathed more freely. I thought I -knew why. I thought she had had some fear that her unhappy father -might be in some way to blame for what had happened. My aunt took -her hand in hers, and laughed. - -'Is that all?' repeated my aunt. 'Why, yes, that's all, except, -"And she lived happy ever afterwards." Perhaps I may add that of -Betsey yet, one of these days. Now, Agnes, you have a wise head. -So have you, Trot, in some things, though I can't compliment you -always'; and here my aunt shook her own at me, with an energy -peculiar to herself. 'What's to be done? Here's the cottage, -taking one time with another, will produce say seventy pounds a -year. I think we may safely put it down at that. Well! - That's -all we've got,' said my aunt; with whom it was an idiosyncrasy, as -it is with some horses, to stop very short when she appeared to be -in a fair way of going on for a long while. - -'Then,' said my aunt, after a rest, 'there's Dick. He's good for -a hundred a-year, but of course that must be expended on himself. -I would sooner send him away, though I know I am the only person -who appreciates him, than have him, and not spend his money on -himself. How can Trot and I do best, upon our means? What do you -say, Agnes?' - -'I say, aunt,' I interposed, 'that I must do something!' - -'Go for a soldier, do you mean?' returned my aunt, alarmed; 'or go -to sea? I won't hear of it. You are to be a proctor. We're not -going to have any knockings on the head in THIS family, if you -please, sir.' - -I was about to explain that I was not desirous of introducing that -mode of provision into the family, when Agnes inquired if my rooms -were held for any long term? - -'You come to the point, my dear,' said my aunt. 'They are not to -be got rid of, for six months at least, unless they could be -underlet, and that I don't believe. The last man died here. Five -people out of six would die - of course - of that woman in nankeen -with the flannel petticoat. I have a little ready money; and I -agree with you, the best thing we can do, is, to live the term out -here, and get a bedroom hard by.' - -I thought it my duty to hint at the discomfort my aunt would -sustain, from living in a continual state of guerilla warfare with -Mrs. Crupp; but she disposed of that objection summarily by -declaring that, on the first demonstration of hostilities, she was -prepared to astonish Mrs. Crupp for the whole remainder of her -natural life. - -'I have been thinking, Trotwood,' said Agnes, diffidently, 'that if -you had time -' - -'I have a good deal of time, Agnes. I am always disengaged after -four or five o'clock, and I have time early in the morning. In one -way and another,' said I, conscious of reddening a little as I -thought of the hours and hours I had devoted to fagging about town, -and to and fro upon the Norwood Road, 'I have abundance of time.' - -'I know you would not mind,' said Agnes, coming to me, and speaking -in a low voice, so full of sweet and hopeful consideration that I -hear it now, 'the duties of a secretary.' - -'Mind, my dear Agnes?' - -'Because,' continued Agnes, 'Doctor Strong has acted on his -intention of retiring, and has come to live in London; and he asked -papa, I know, if he could recommend him one. Don't you think he -would rather have his favourite old pupil near him, than anybody -else?' - -'Dear Agnes!' said I. 'What should I do without you! You are -always my good angel. I told you so. I never think of you in any -other light.' - -Agnes answered with her pleasant laugh, that one good Angel -(meaning Dora) was enough; and went on to remind me that the Doctor -had been used to occupy himself in his study, early in the morning, -and in the evening - and that probably my leisure would suit his -requirements very well. I was scarcely more delighted with the -prospect of earning my own bread, than with the hope of earning it -under my old master; in short, acting on the advice of Agnes, I sat -down and wrote a letter to the Doctor, stating my object, and -appointing to call on him next day at ten in the forenoon. This I -addressed to Highgate - for in that place, so memorable to me, he -lived - and went and posted, myself, without losing a minute. - -Wherever Agnes was, some agreeable token of her noiseless presence -seemed inseparable from the place. When I came back, I found my -aunt's birds hanging, just as they had hung so long in the parlour -window of the cottage; and my easy-chair imitating my aunt's much -easier chair in its position at the open window; and even the round -green fan, which my aunt had brought away with her, screwed on to -the window-sill. I knew who had done all this, by its seeming to -have quietly done itself; and I should have known in a moment who -had arranged my neglected books in the old order of my school days, -even if I had supposed Agnes to be miles away, instead of seeing -her busy with them, and smiling at the disorder into which they had -fallen. - -My aunt was quite gracious on the subject of the Thames (it really -did look very well with the sun upon it, though not like the sea -before the cottage), but she could not relent towards the London -smoke, which, she said, 'peppered everything'. A complete -revolution, in which Peggotty bore a prominent part, was being -effected in every corner of my rooms, in regard of this pepper; and -I was looking on, thinking how little even Peggotty seemed to do -with a good deal of bustle, and how much Agnes did without any -bustle at all, when a knock came at the door. - -'I think,' said Agnes, turning pale, 'it's papa. He promised me -that he would come.' - -I opened the door, and admitted, not only Mr. Wickfield, but Uriah -Heep. I had not seen Mr. Wickfield for some time. I was prepared -for a great change in him, after what I had heard from Agnes, but -his appearance shocked me. - -It was not that he looked many years older, though still dressed -with the old scrupulous cleanliness; or that there was an -unwholesome ruddiness upon his face; or that his eyes were full and -bloodshot; or that there was a nervous trembling in his hand, the -cause of which I knew, and had for some years seen at work. It was -not that he had lost his good looks, or his old bearing of a -gentleman - for that he had not - but the thing that struck me -most, was, that with the evidences of his native superiority still -upon him, he should submit himself to that crawling impersonation -of meanness, Uriah Heep. The reversal of the two natures, in their -relative positions, Uriah's of power and Mr. Wickfield's of -dependence, was a sight more painful to me than I can express. If -I had seen an Ape taking command of a Man, I should hardly have -thought it a more degrading spectacle. - -He appeared to be only too conscious of it himself. When he came -in, he stood still; and with his head bowed, as if he felt it. -This was only for a moment; for Agnes softly said to him, 'Papa! -Here is Miss Trotwood - and Trotwood, whom you have not seen for a -long while!' and then he approached, and constrainedly gave my aunt -his hand, and shook hands more cordially with me. In the moment's -pause I speak of, I saw Uriah's countenance form itself into a most -ill-favoured smile. Agnes saw it too, I think, for she shrank from -him. - -What my aunt saw, or did not see, I defy the science of physiognomy -to have made out, without her own consent. I believe there never -was anybody with such an imperturbable countenance when she chose. -Her face might have been a dead-wall on the occasion in question, -for any light it threw upon her thoughts; until she broke silence -with her usual abruptness. - -'Well, Wickfield!' said my aunt; and he looked up at her for the -first time. 'I have been telling your daughter how well I have -been disposing of my money for myself, because I couldn't trust it -to you, as you were growing rusty in business matters. We have -been taking counsel together, and getting on very well, all things -considered. Agnes is worth the whole firm, in my opinion.' - -'If I may umbly make the remark,' said Uriah Heep, with a writhe, -'I fully agree with Miss Betsey Trotwood, and should be only too -appy if Miss Agnes was a partner.' - -'You're a partner yourself, you know,' returned my aunt, 'and -that's about enough for you, I expect. How do you find yourself, -sir?' - -In acknowledgement of this question, addressed to him with -extraordinary curtness, Mr. Heep, uncomfortably clutching the blue -bag he carried, replied that he was pretty well, he thanked my -aunt, and hoped she was the same. - -'And you, Master - I should say, Mister Copperfield,' pursued -Uriah. 'I hope I see you well! I am rejoiced to see you, Mister -Copperfield, even under present circumstances.' I believed that; -for he seemed to relish them very much. 'Present circumstances is -not what your friends would wish for you, Mister Copperfield, but -it isn't money makes the man: it's - I am really unequal with my -umble powers to express what it is,' said Uriah, with a fawning -jerk, 'but it isn't money!' - -Here he shook hands with me: not in the common way, but standing at -a good distance from me, and lifting my hand up and down like a -pump handle, that he was a little afraid of. - -'And how do you think we are looking, Master Copperfield, - I -should say, Mister?' fawned Uriah. 'Don't you find Mr. Wickfield -blooming, sir? Years don't tell much in our firm, Master -Copperfield, except in raising up the umble, namely, mother and -self - and in developing,' he added, as an afterthought, 'the -beautiful, namely, Miss Agnes.' - -He jerked himself about, after this compliment, in such an -intolerable manner, that my aunt, who had sat looking straight at -him, lost all patience. - -'Deuce take the man!' said my aunt, sternly, 'what's he about? -Don't be galvanic, sir!' - -'I ask your pardon, Miss Trotwood,' returned Uriah; 'I'm aware -you're nervous.' - -'Go along with you, sir!' said my aunt, anything but appeased. -'Don't presume to say so! I am nothing of the sort. If you're an -eel, sir, conduct yourself like one. If you're a man, control your -limbs, sir! Good God!' said my aunt, with great indignation, 'I am -not going to be serpentined and corkscrewed out of my senses!' - -Mr. Heep was rather abashed, as most people might have been, by -this explosion; which derived great additional force from the -indignant manner in which my aunt afterwards moved in her chair, -and shook her head as if she were making snaps or bounces at him. -But he said to me aside in a meek voice: - -'I am well aware, Master Copperfield, that Miss Trotwood, though an -excellent lady, has a quick temper (indeed I think I had the -pleasure of knowing her, when I was a numble clerk, before you did, -Master Copperfield), and it's only natural, I am sure, that it -should be made quicker by present circumstances. The wonder is, -that it isn't much worse! I only called to say that if there was -anything we could do, in present circumstances, mother or self, or -Wickfield and Heep, -we should be really glad. I may go so far?' -said Uriah, with a sickly smile at his partner. - -'Uriah Heep,' said Mr. Wickfield, in a monotonous forced way, 'is -active in the business, Trotwood. What he says, I quite concur in. -You know I had an old interest in you. Apart from that, what Uriah -says I quite concur in!' - -'Oh, what a reward it is,' said Uriah, drawing up one leg, at the -risk of bringing down upon himself another visitation from my aunt, -'to be so trusted in! But I hope I am able to do something to -relieve him from the fatigues of business, Master Copperfield!' - -'Uriah Heep is a great relief to me,' said Mr. Wickfield, in the -same dull voice. 'It's a load off my mind, Trotwood, to have such -a partner.' - -The red fox made him say all this, I knew, to exhibit him to me in -the light he had indicated on the night when he poisoned my rest. -I saw the same ill-favoured smile upon his face again, and saw how -he watched me. - -'You are not going, papa?' said Agnes, anxiously. 'Will you not -walk back with Trotwood and me?' - -He would have looked to Uriah, I believe, before replying, if that -worthy had not anticipated him. - -'I am bespoke myself,' said Uriah, 'on business; otherwise I should -have been appy to have kept with my friends. But I leave my -partner to represent the firm. Miss Agnes, ever yours! I wish you -good-day, Master Copperfield, and leave my umble respects for Miss -Betsey Trotwood.' - -With those words, he retired, kissing his great hand, and leering -at us like a mask. - -We sat there, talking about our pleasant old Canterbury days, an -hour or two. Mr. Wickfield, left to Agnes, soon became more like -his former self; though there was a settled depression upon him, -which he never shook off. For all that, he brightened; and had an -evident pleasure in hearing us recall the little incidents of our -old life, many of which he remembered very well. He said it was -like those times, to be alone with Agnes and me again; and he -wished to Heaven they had never changed. I am sure there was an -influence in the placid face of Agnes, and in the very touch of her -hand upon his arm, that did wonders for him. - -My aunt (who was busy nearly all this while with Peggotty, in the -inner room) would not accompany us to the place where they were -staying, but insisted on my going; and I went. We dined together. -After dinner, Agnes sat beside him, as of old, and poured out his -wine. He took what she gave him, and no more - like a child - and -we all three sat together at a window as the evening gathered in. -When it was almost dark, he lay down on a sofa, Agnes pillowing his -head and bending over him a little while; and when she came back to -the window, it was not so dark but I could see tears glittering in -her eyes. - -I pray Heaven that I never may forget the dear girl in her love and -truth, at that time of my life; for if I should, I must be drawing -near the end, and then I would desire to remember her best! She -filled my heart with such good resolutions, strengthened my -weakness so, by her example, so directed - I know not how, she was -too modest and gentle to advise me in many words - the wandering -ardour and unsettled purpose within me, that all the little good I -have done, and all the harm I have forborne, I solemnly believe I -may refer to her. - -And how she spoke to me of Dora, sitting at the window in the dark; -listened to my praises of her; praised again; and round the little -fairy-figure shed some glimpses of her own pure light, that made it -yet more precious and more innocent to me! Oh, Agnes, sister of my -boyhood, if I had known then, what I knew long afterwards! - - -There was a beggar in the street, when I went down; and as I turned -my head towards the window, thinking of her calm seraphic eyes, he -made me start by muttering, as if he were an echo of the morning: -'Blind! Blind! Blind!' - - - -CHAPTER 36 -ENTHUSIASM - -I began the next day with another dive into the Roman bath, and -then started for Highgate. I was not dispirited now. I was not -afraid of the shabby coat, and had no yearnings after gallant -greys. My whole manner of thinking of our late misfortune was -changed. What I had to do, was, to show my aunt that her past -goodness to me had not been thrown away on an insensible, -ungrateful object. What I had to do, was, to turn the painful -discipline of my younger days to account, by going to work with a -resolute and steady heart. What I had to do, was, to take my -woodman's axe in my hand, and clear my own way through the forest -of difficulty, by cutting down the trees until I came to Dora. And -I went on at a mighty rate, as if it could be done by walking. - -When I found myself on the familiar Highgate road, pursuing such a -different errand from that old one of pleasure, with which it was -associated, it seemed as if a complete change had come on my whole -life. But that did not discourage me. With the new life, came new -purpose, new intention. Great was the labour; priceless the -reward. Dora was the reward, and Dora must be won. - -I got into such a transport, that I felt quite sorry my coat was -not a little shabby already. I wanted to be cutting at those trees -in the forest of difficulty, under circumstances that should prove -my strength. I had a good mind to ask an old man, in wire -spectacles, who was breaking stones upon the road, to lend me his -hammer for a little while, and let me begin to beat a path to Dora -out of granite. I stimulated myself into such a heat, and got so -out of breath, that I felt as if I had been earning I don't know -how much. - -In this state, I went into a cottage that I saw was to let, and -examined it narrowly, - for I felt it necessary to be practical. -It would do for me and Dora admirably: with a little front garden -for Jip to run about in, and bark at the tradespeople through the -railings, and a capital room upstairs for my aunt. I came out -again, hotter and faster than ever, and dashed up to Highgate, at -such a rate that I was there an hour too early; and, though I had -not been, should have been obliged to stroll about to cool myself, -before I was at all presentable. - -My first care, after putting myself under this necessary course of -preparation, was to find the Doctor's house. It was not in that -part of Highgate where Mrs. Steerforth lived, but quite on the -opposite side of the little town. When I had made this discovery, -I went back, in an attraction I could not resist, to a lane by Mrs. -Steerforth's, and looked over the corner of the garden wall. His -room was shut up close. The conservatory doors were standing open, -and Rosa Dartle was walking, bareheaded, with a quick, impetuous -step, up and down a gravel walk on one side of the lawn. She gave -me the idea of some fierce thing, that was dragging the length of -its chain to and fro upon a beaten track, and wearing its heart -out. - -I came softly away from my place of observation, and avoiding that -part of the neighbourhood, and wishing I had not gone near it, -strolled about until it was ten o'clock. The church with the -slender spire, that stands on the top of the hill now, was not -there then to tell me the time. An old red-brick mansion, used as -a school, was in its place; and a fine old house it must have been -to go to school at, as I recollect it. - -When I approached the Doctor's cottage - a pretty old place, on -which he seemed to have expended some money, if I might judge from -the embellishments and repairs that had the look of being just -completed - I saw him walking in the garden at the side, gaiters -and all, as if he had never left off walking since the days of my -pupilage. He had his old companions about him, too; for there were -plenty of high trees in the neighbourhood, and two or three rooks -were on the grass, looking after him, as if they had been written -to about him by the Canterbury rooks, and were observing him -closely in consequence. - -Knowing the utter hopelessness of attracting his attention from -that distance, I made bold to open the gate, and walk after him, so -as to meet him when he should turn round. When he did, and came -towards me, he looked at me thoughtfully for a few moments, -evidently without thinking about me at all; and then his benevolent -face expressed extraordinary pleasure, and he took me by both -hands. - -'Why, my dear Copperfield,' said the Doctor, 'you are a man! How -do you do? I am delighted to see you. My dear Copperfield, how -very much you have improved! You are quite - yes - dear me!' - -I hoped he was well, and Mrs. Strong too. - -'Oh dear, yes!' said the Doctor; 'Annie's quite well, and she'll be -delighted to see you. You were always her favourite. She said so, -last night, when I showed her your letter. And - yes, to be sure -- you recollect Mr. Jack Maldon, Copperfield?' - -'Perfectly, sir.' - -'Of course,' said the Doctor. 'To be sure. He's pretty well, -too.' - -'Has he come home, sir?' I inquired. - -'From India?' said the Doctor. 'Yes. Mr. Jack Maldon couldn't -bear the climate, my dear. Mrs. Markleham - you have not forgotten -Mrs. Markleham?' - -Forgotten the Old Soldier! And in that short time! - -'Mrs. Markleham,' said the Doctor, 'was quite vexed about him, poor -thing; so we have got him at home again; and we have bought him a -little Patent place, which agrees with him much better.' -I knew enough of Mr. Jack Maldon to suspect from this account that -it was a place where there was not much to do, and which was pretty -well paid. The Doctor, walking up and down with his hand on my -shoulder, and his kind face turned encouragingly to mine, went on: - -'Now, my dear Copperfield, in reference to this proposal of yours. -It's very gratifying and agreeable to me, I am sure; but don't you -think you could do better? You achieved distinction, you know, -when you were with us. You are qualified for many good things. -You have laid a foundation that any edifice may be raised upon; and -is it not a pity that you should devote the spring-time of your -life to such a poor pursuit as I can offer?' - -I became very glowing again, and, expressing myself in a -rhapsodical style, I am afraid, urged my request strongly; -reminding the Doctor that I had already a profession. - -'Well, well,' said the Doctor, 'that's true. Certainly, your -having a profession, and being actually engaged in studying it, -makes a difference. But, my good young friend, what's seventy -pounds a year?' - -'It doubles our income, Doctor Strong,' said I. - -'Dear me!' replied the Doctor. 'To think of that! Not that I mean -to say it's rigidly limited to seventy pounds a-year, because I -have always contemplated making any young friend I might thus -employ, a present too. Undoubtedly,' said the Doctor, still -walking me up and down with his hand on my shoulder. 'I have -always taken an annual present into account.' - -'My dear tutor,' said I (now, really, without any nonsense), 'to -whom I owe more obligations already than I ever can acknowledge -' - -'No, no,' interposed the Doctor. 'Pardon me!' - -'If you will take such time as I have, and that is my mornings and -evenings, and can think it worth seventy pounds a year, you will do -me such a service as I cannot express.' - -'Dear me!' said the Doctor, innocently. 'To think that so little -should go for so much! Dear, dear! And when you can do better, -you will? On your word, now?' said the Doctor, - which he had -always made a very grave appeal to the honour of us boys. - -'On my word, sir!' I returned, answering in our old school manner. - -'Then be it so,' said the Doctor, clapping me on the shoulder, and -still keeping his hand there, as we still walked up and down. - -'And I shall be twenty times happier, sir,' said I, with a little -- I hope innocent - flattery, 'if my employment is to be on the -Dictionary.' - -The Doctor stopped, smilingly clapped me on the shoulder again, and -exclaimed, with a triumph most delightful to behold, as if I had -penetrated to the profoundest depths of mortal sagacity, 'My dear -young friend, you have hit it. It IS the Dictionary!' - -How could it be anything else! His pockets were as full of it as -his head. It was sticking out of him in all directions. He told -me that since his retirement from scholastic life, he had been -advancing with it wonderfully; and that nothing could suit him -better than the proposed arrangements for morning and evening work, -as it was his custom to walk about in the daytime with his -considering cap on. His papers were in a little confusion, in -consequence of Mr. Jack Maldon having lately proffered his -occasional services as an amanuensis, and not being accustomed to -that occupation; but we should soon put right what was amiss, and -go on swimmingly. Afterwards, when we were fairly at our work, I -found Mr. Jack Maldon's efforts more troublesome to me than I had -expected, as he had not confined himself to making numerous -mistakes, but had sketched so many soldiers, and ladies' heads, -over the Doctor's manuscript, that I often became involved in -labyrinths of obscurity. - -The Doctor was quite happy in the prospect of our going to work -together on that wonderful performance, and we settled to begin -next morning at seven o'clock. We were to work two hours every -morning, and two or three hours every night, except on Saturdays, -when I was to rest. On Sundays, of course, I was to rest also, and -I considered these very easy terms. - -Our plans being thus arranged to our mutual satisfaction, the -Doctor took me into the house to present me to Mrs. Strong, whom we -found in the Doctor's new study, dusting his books, - a freedom -which he never permitted anybody else to take with those sacred -favourites. - -They had postponed their breakfast on my account, and we sat down -to table together. We had not been seated long, when I saw an -approaching arrival in Mrs. Strong's face, before I heard any sound -of it. A gentleman on horseback came to the gate, and leading his -horse into the little court, with the bridle over his arm, as if he -were quite at home, tied him to a ring in the empty coach-house -wall, and came into the breakfast parlour, whip in hand. It was -Mr. Jack Maldon; and Mr. Jack Maldon was not at all improved by -India, I thought. I was in a state of ferocious virtue, however, -as to young men who were not cutting down trees in the forest of -difficulty; and my impression must be received with due allowance. - -'Mr. Jack!' said the Doctor. 'Copperfield!' - -Mr. Jack Maldon shook hands with me; but not very warmly, I -believed; and with an air of languid patronage, at which I secretly -took great umbrage. But his languor altogether was quite a -wonderful sight; except when he addressed himself to his cousin -Annie. -'Have you breakfasted this morning, Mr. Jack?' said the Doctor. - -'I hardly ever take breakfast, sir,' he replied, with his head -thrown back in an easy-chair. 'I find it bores me.' - -'Is there any news today?' inquired the Doctor. - -'Nothing at all, sir,' replied Mr. Maldon. 'There's an account -about the people being hungry and discontented down in the North, -but they are always being hungry and discontented somewhere.' - -The Doctor looked grave, and said, as though he wished to change -the subject, 'Then there's no news at all; and no news, they say, -is good news.' - -'There's a long statement in the papers, sir, about a murder,' -observed Mr. Maldon. 'But somebody is always being murdered, and -I didn't read it.' - -A display of indifference to all the actions and passions of -mankind was not supposed to be such a distinguished quality at that -time, I think, as I have observed it to be considered since. I -have known it very fashionable indeed. I have seen it displayed -with such success, that I have encountered some fine ladies and -gentlemen who might as well have been born caterpillars. Perhaps -it impressed me the more then, because it was new to me, but it -certainly did not tend to exalt my opinion of, or to strengthen my -confidence in, Mr. Jack Maldon. - -'I came out to inquire whether Annie would like to go to the opera -tonight,' said Mr. Maldon, turning to her. 'It's the last good -night there will be, this season; and there's a singer there, whom -she really ought to hear. She is perfectly exquisite. Besides -which, she is so charmingly ugly,' relapsing into languor. - -The Doctor, ever pleased with what was likely to please his young -wife, turned to her and said: - -'You must go, Annie. You must go.' - -'I would rather not,' she said to the Doctor. 'I prefer to remain -at home. I would much rather remain at home.' - -Without looking at her cousin, she then addressed me, and asked me -about Agnes, and whether she should see her, and whether she was -not likely to come that day; and was so much disturbed, that I -wondered how even the Doctor, buttering his toast, could be blind -to what was so obvious. - -But he saw nothing. He told her, good-naturedly, that she was -young and ought to be amused and entertained, and must not allow -herself to be made dull by a dull old fellow. Moreover, he said, -he wanted to hear her sing all the new singer's songs to him; and -how could she do that well, unless she went? So the Doctor -persisted in making the engagement for her, and Mr. Jack Maldon was -to come back to dinner. This concluded, he went to his Patent -place, I suppose; but at all events went away on his horse, looking -very idle. - -I was curious to find out next morning, whether she had been. She -had not, but had sent into London to put her cousin off; and had -gone out in the afternoon to see Agnes, and had prevailed upon the -Doctor to go with her; and they had walked home by the fields, the -Doctor told me, the evening being delightful. I wondered then, -whether she would have gone if Agnes had not been in town, and -whether Agnes had some good influence over her too! - -She did not look very happy, I thought; but it was a good face, or -a very false one. I often glanced at it, for she sat in the window -all the time we were at work; and made our breakfast, which we took -by snatches as we were employed. When I left, at nine o'clock, she -was kneeling on the ground at the Doctor's feet, putting on his -shoes and gaiters for him. There was a softened shade upon her -face, thrown from some green leaves overhanging the open window of -the low room; and I thought all the way to Doctors' Commons, of the -night when I had seen it looking at him as he read. - -I was pretty busy now; up at five in the morning, and home at nine -or ten at night. But I had infinite satisfaction in being so -closely engaged, and never walked slowly on any account, and felt -enthusiastically that the more I tired myself, the more I was doing -to deserve Dora. I had not revealed myself in my altered character -to Dora yet, because she was coming to see Miss Mills in a few -days, and I deferred all I had to tell her until then; merely -informing her in my letters (all our communications were secretly -forwarded through Miss Mills), that I had much to tell her. In the -meantime, I put myself on a short allowance of bear's grease, -wholly abandoned scented soap and lavender water, and sold off -three waistcoats at a prodigious sacrifice, as being too luxurious -for my stern career. - -Not satisfied with all these proceedings, but burning with -impatience to do something more, I went to see Traddles, now -lodging up behind the parapet of a house in Castle Street, Holborn. -Mr. Dick, who had been with me to Highgate twice already, and had -resumed his companionship with the Doctor, I took with me. - -I took Mr. Dick with me, because, acutely sensitive to my aunt's -reverses, and sincerely believing that no galley-slave or convict -worked as I did, he had begun to fret and worry himself out of -spirits and appetite, as having nothing useful to do. In this -condition, he felt more incapable of finishing the Memorial than -ever; and the harder he worked at it, the oftener that unlucky head -of King Charles the First got into it. Seriously apprehending that -his malady would increase, unless we put some innocent deception -upon him and caused him to believe that he was useful, or unless we -could put him in the way of being really useful (which would be -better), I made up my mind to try if Traddles could help us. -Before we went, I wrote Traddles a full statement of all that had -happened, and Traddles wrote me back a capital answer, expressive -of his sympathy and friendship. - -We found him hard at work with his inkstand and papers, refreshed -by the sight of the flower-pot stand and the little round table in -a corner of the small apartment. He received us cordially, and -made friends with Mr. Dick in a moment. Mr. Dick professed an -absolute certainty of having seen him before, and we both said, -'Very likely.' - -The first subject on which I had to consult Traddles was this, - I -had heard that many men distinguished in various pursuits had begun -life by reporting the debates in Parliament. Traddles having -mentioned newspapers to me, as one of his hopes, I had put the two -things together, and told Traddles in my letter that I wished to -know how I could qualify myself for this pursuit. Traddles now -informed me, as the result of his inquiries, that the mere -mechanical acquisition necessary, except in rare cases, for -thorough excellence in it, that is to say, a perfect and entire -command of the mystery of short-hand writing and reading, was about -equal in difficulty to the mastery of six languages; and that it -might perhaps be attained, by dint of perseverance, in the course -of a few years. Traddles reasonably supposed that this would -settle the business; but I, only feeling that here indeed were a -few tall trees to be hewn down, immediately resolved to work my way -on to Dora through this thicket, axe in hand. - -'I am very much obliged to you, my dear Traddles!' said I. 'I'll -begin tomorrow.' - -Traddles looked astonished, as he well might; but he had no notion -as yet of my rapturous condition. - -'I'll buy a book,' said I, 'with a good scheme of this art in it; -I'll work at it at the Commons, where I haven't half enough to do; -I'll take down the speeches in our court for practice - Traddles, -my dear fellow, I'll master it!' - -'Dear me,' said Traddles, opening his eyes, 'I had no idea you were -such a determined character, Copperfield!' - -I don't know how he should have had, for it was new enough to me. -I passed that off, and brought Mr. Dick on the carpet. - -'You see,' said Mr. Dick, wistfully, 'if I could exert myself, Mr. -Traddles - if I could beat a drum- or blow anything!' - -Poor fellow! I have little doubt he would have preferred such an -employment in his heart to all others. Traddles, who would not -have smiled for the world, replied composedly: - -'But you are a very good penman, sir. You told me so, -Copperfield?' -'Excellent!' said I. And indeed he was. He wrote with -extraordinary neatness. - -'Don't you think,' said Traddles, 'you could copy writings, sir, if -I got them for you?' - -Mr. Dick looked doubtfully at me. 'Eh, Trotwood?' - -I shook my head. Mr. Dick shook his, and sighed. 'Tell him about -the Memorial,' said Mr. Dick. - -I explained to Traddles that there was a difficulty in keeping King -Charles the First out of Mr. Dick's manuscripts; Mr. Dick in the -meanwhile looking very deferentially and seriously at Traddles, and -sucking his thumb. - -'But these writings, you know, that I speak of, are already drawn -up and finished,' said Traddles after a little consideration. 'Mr. -Dick has nothing to do with them. Wouldn't that make a difference, -Copperfield? At all events, wouldn't it be well to try?' - -This gave us new hope. Traddles and I laying our heads together -apart, while Mr. Dick anxiously watched us from his chair, we -concocted a scheme in virtue of which we got him to work next day, -with triumphant success. - -On a table by the window in Buckingham Street, we set out the work -Traddles procured for him - which was to make, I forget how many -copies of a legal document about some right of way - and on another -table we spread the last unfinished original of the great Memorial. -Our instructions to Mr. Dick were that he should copy exactly what -he had before him, without the least departure from the original; -and that when he felt it necessary to make the slightest allusion -to King Charles the First, he should fly to the Memorial. We -exhorted him to be resolute in this, and left my aunt to observe -him. My aunt reported to us, afterwards, that, at first, he was -like a man playing the kettle-drums, and constantly divided his -attentions between the two; but that, finding this confuse and -fatigue him, and having his copy there, plainly before his eyes, he -soon sat at it in an orderly business-like manner, and postponed -the Memorial to a more convenient time. In a word, although we -took great care that he should have no more to do than was good for -him, and although he did not begin with the beginning of a week, he -earned by the following Saturday night ten shillings and -nine-pence; and never, while I live, shall I forget his going about -to all the shops in the neighbourhood to change this treasure into -sixpences, or his bringing them to my aunt arranged in the form of -a heart upon a waiter, with tears of joy and pride in his eyes. He -was like one under the propitious influence of a charm, from the -moment of his being usefully employed; and if there were a happy -man in the world, that Saturday night, it was the grateful creature -who thought my aunt the most wonderful woman in existence, and me -the most wonderful young man. - -'No starving now, Trotwood,' said Mr. Dick, shaking hands with me -in a corner. 'I'll provide for her, Sir!' and he flourished his -ten fingers in the air, as if they were ten banks. - -I hardly know which was the better pleased, Traddles or I. 'It -really,' said Traddles, suddenly, taking a letter out of his -pocket, and giving it to me, 'put Mr. Micawber quite out of my -head!' - -The letter (Mr. Micawber never missed any possible opportunity of -writing a letter) was addressed to me, 'By the kindness of T. -Traddles, Esquire, of the Inner Temple.' It ran thus: - - - -'MY DEAR COPPERFIELD, - -'You may possibly not be unprepared to receive the intimation that -something has turned up. I may have mentioned to you on a former -occasion that I was in expectation of such an event. - -'I am about to establish myself in one of the provincial towns of -our favoured island (where the society may be described as a happy -admixture of the agricultural and the clerical), in immediate -connexion with one of the learned professions. Mrs. Micawber and -our offspring will accompany me. Our ashes, at a future period, -will probably be found commingled in the cemetery attached to a -venerable pile, for which the spot to which I refer has acquired a -reputation, shall I say from China to Peru? - -'In bidding adieu to the modern Babylon, where we have undergone -many vicissitudes, I trust not ignobly, Mrs. Micawber and myself -cannot disguise from our minds that we part, it may be for years -and it may be for ever, with an individual linked by strong -associations to the altar of our domestic life. If, on the eve of -such a departure, you will accompany our mutual friend, Mr. Thomas -Traddles, to our present abode, and there reciprocate the wishes -natural to the occasion, you will confer a Boon - - 'On - 'One - 'Who - 'Is - 'Ever yours, - 'WILKINS MICAWBER.' - - -I was glad to find that Mr. Micawber had got rid of his dust and -ashes, and that something really had turned up at last. Learning -from Traddles that the invitation referred to the evening then -wearing away, I expressed my readiness to do honour to it; and we -went off together to the lodging which Mr. Micawber occupied as Mr. -Mortimer, and which was situated near the top of the Gray's Inn -Road. - -The resources of this lodging were so limited, that we found the -twins, now some eight or nine years old, reposing in a turn-up -bedstead in the family sitting-room, where Mr. Micawber had -prepared, in a wash-hand-stand jug, what he called 'a Brew' of the -agreeable beverage for which he was famous. I had the pleasure, on -this occasion, of renewing the acquaintance of Master Micawber, -whom I found a promising boy of about twelve or thirteen, very -subject to that restlessness of limb which is not an unfrequent -phenomenon in youths of his age. I also became once more known to -his sister, Miss Micawber, in whom, as Mr. Micawber told us, 'her -mother renewed her youth, like the Phoenix'. - -'My dear Copperfield,' said Mr. Micawber, 'yourself and Mr. -Traddles find us on the brink of migration, and will excuse any -little discomforts incidental to that position.' - -Glancing round as I made a suitable reply, I observed that the -family effects were already packed, and that the amount of luggage -was by no means overwhelming. I congratulated Mrs. Micawber on the -approaching change. - -'My dear Mr. Copperfield,' said Mrs. Micawber, 'of your friendly -interest in all our affairs, I am well assured. My family may -consider it banishment, if they please; but I am a wife and mother, -and I never will desert Mr. Micawber.' - -Traddles, appealed to by Mrs. Micawber's eye, feelingly acquiesced. - -'That,' said Mrs. Micawber, 'that, at least, is my view, my dear -Mr. Copperfield and Mr. Traddles, of the obligation which I took -upon myself when I repeated the irrevocable words, "I, Emma, take -thee, Wilkins." I read the service over with a flat-candle on the -previous night, and the conclusion I derived from it was, that I -never could desert Mr. Micawber. And,' said Mrs. Micawber, 'though -it is possible I may be mistaken in my view of the ceremony, I -never will!' - -'My dear,' said Mr. Micawber, a little impatiently, 'I am not -conscious that you are expected to do anything of the sort.' - -'I am aware, my dear Mr. Copperfield,' pursued Mrs. Micawber, 'that -I am now about to cast my lot among strangers; and I am also aware -that the various members of my family, to whom Mr. Micawber has -written in the most gentlemanly terms, announcing that fact, have -not taken the least notice of Mr. Micawber's communication. Indeed -I may be superstitious,' said Mrs. Micawber, 'but it appears to me -that Mr. Micawber is destined never to receive any answers whatever -to the great majority of the communications he writes. I may -augur, from the silence of my family, that they object to the -resolution I have taken; but I should not allow myself to be -swerved from the path of duty, Mr. Copperfield, even by my papa and -mama, were they still living.' - -I expressed my opinion that this was going in the right direction. -'It may be a sacrifice,' said Mrs. Micawber, 'to immure one's-self -in a Cathedral town; but surely, Mr. Copperfield, if it is a -sacrifice in me, it is much more a sacrifice in a man of Mr. -Micawber's abilities.' - -'Oh! You are going to a Cathedral town?' said I. - -Mr. Micawber, who had been helping us all, out of the -wash-hand-stand jug, replied: - -'To Canterbury. In fact, my dear Copperfield, I have entered into -arrangements, by virtue of which I stand pledged and contracted to -our friend Heep, to assist and serve him in the capacity of - and -to be - his confidential clerk.' - -I stared at Mr. Micawber, who greatly enjoyed my surprise. - -'I am bound to state to you,' he said, with an official air, 'that -the business habits, and the prudent suggestions, of Mrs. Micawber, -have in a great measure conduced to this result. The gauntlet, to -which Mrs. Micawber referred upon a former occasion, being thrown -down in the form of an advertisement, was taken up by my friend -Heep, and led to a mutual recognition. Of my friend Heep,' said -Mr. Micawber, 'who is a man of remarkable shrewdness, I desire to -speak with all possible respect. My friend Heep has not fixed the -positive remuneration at too high a figure, but he has made a great -deal, in the way of extrication from the pressure of pecuniary -difficulties, contingent on the value of my services; and on the -value of those services I pin my faith. Such address and -intelligence as I chance to possess,' said Mr. Micawber, boastfully -disparaging himself, with the old genteel air, 'will be devoted to -my friend Heep's service. I have already some acquaintance with -the law - as a defendant on civil process - and I shall immediately -apply myself to the Commentaries of one of the most eminent and -remarkable of our English jurists. I believe it is unnecessary to -add that I allude to Mr. justice Blackstone.' - -These observations, and indeed the greater part of the observations -made that evening, were interrupted by Mrs. Micawber's discovering -that Master Micawber was sitting on his boots, or holding his head -on with both arms as if he felt it loose, or accidentally kicking -Traddles under the table, or shuffling his feet over one another, -or producing them at distances from himself apparently outrageous -to nature, or lying sideways with his hair among the wine-glasses, -or developing his restlessness of limb in some other form -incompatible with the general interests of society; and by Master -Micawber's receiving those discoveries in a resentful spirit. I -sat all the while, amazed by Mr. Micawber's disclosure, and -wondering what it meant; until Mrs. Micawber resumed the thread of -the discourse, and claimed my attention. - -'What I particularly request Mr. Micawber to be careful of, is,' -said Mrs. Micawber, 'that he does not, my dear Mr. Copperfield, in -applying himself to this subordinate branch of the law, place it -out of his power to rise, ultimately, to the top of the tree. I am -convinced that Mr. Micawber, giving his mind to a profession so -adapted to his fertile resources, and his flow of language, must -distinguish himself. Now, for example, Mr. Traddles,' said Mrs. -Micawber, assuming a profound air, 'a judge, or even say a -Chancellor. Does an individual place himself beyond the pale of -those preferments by entering on such an office as Mr. Micawber has -accepted?' - -'My dear,' observed Mr. Micawber - but glancing inquisitively at -Traddles, too; 'we have time enough before us, for the -consideration of those questions.' - -'Micawber,' she returned, 'no! Your mistake in life is, that you -do not look forward far enough. You are bound, in justice to your -family, if not to yourself, to take in at a comprehensive glance -the extremest point in the horizon to which your abilities may lead -you.' - -Mr. Micawber coughed, and drank his punch with an air of exceeding -satisfaction - still glancing at Traddles, as if he desired to have -his opinion. - -'Why, the plain state of the case, Mrs. Micawber,' said Traddles, -mildly breaking the truth to her. 'I mean the real prosaic fact, -you know -' - -'Just so,' said Mrs. Micawber, 'my dear Mr. Traddles, I wish to be -as prosaic and literal as possible on a subject of so much -importance.' - -'- Is,' said Traddles, 'that this branch of the law, even if Mr. -Micawber were a regular solicitor -' - -'Exactly so,' returned Mrs. Micawber. ('Wilkins, you are -squinting, and will not be able to get your eyes back.') - -'- Has nothing,' pursued Traddles, 'to do with that. Only a -barrister is eligible for such preferments; and Mr. Micawber could -not be a barrister, without being entered at an inn of court as a -student, for five years.' - -'Do I follow you?' said Mrs. Micawber, with her most affable air of -business. 'Do I understand, my dear Mr. Traddles, that, at the -expiration of that period, Mr. Micawber would be eligible as a -Judge or Chancellor?' - -'He would be ELIGIBLE,' returned Traddles, with a strong emphasis -on that word. - -'Thank you,' said Mrs. Micawber. 'That is quite sufficient. If -such is the case, and Mr. Micawber forfeits no privilege by -entering on these duties, my anxiety is set at rest. I speak,' -said Mrs. Micawber, 'as a female, necessarily; but I have always -been of opinion that Mr. Micawber possesses what I have heard my -papa call, when I lived at home, the judicial mind; and I hope Mr. -Micawber is now entering on a field where that mind will develop -itself, and take a commanding station.' - -I quite believe that Mr. Micawber saw himself, in his judicial -mind's eye, on the woolsack. He passed his hand complacently over -his bald head, and said with ostentatious resignation: - -'My dear, we will not anticipate the decrees of fortune. If I am -reserved to wear a wig, I am at least prepared, externally,' in -allusion to his baldness, 'for that distinction. I do not,' said -Mr. Micawber, 'regret my hair, and I may have been deprived of it -for a specific purpose. I cannot say. It is my intention, my dear -Copperfield, to educate my son for the Church; I will not deny that -I should be happy, on his account, to attain to eminence.' - -'For the Church?' said I, still pondering, between whiles, on Uriah -Heep. - -'Yes,' said Mr. Micawber. 'He has a remarkable head-voice, and -will commence as a chorister. Our residence at Canterbury, and our -local connexion, will, no doubt, enable him to take advantage of -any vacancy that may arise in the Cathedral corps.' - -On looking at Master Micawber again, I saw that he had a certain -expression of face, as if his voice were behind his eyebrows; where -it presently appeared to be, on his singing us (as an alternative -between that and bed) 'The Wood-Pecker tapping'. After many -compliments on this performance, we fell into some general -conversation; and as I was too full of my desperate intentions to -keep my altered circumstances to myself, I made them known to Mr. -and Mrs. Micawber. I cannot express how extremely delighted they -both were, by the idea of my aunt's being in difficulties; and how -comfortable and friendly it made them. - -When we were nearly come to the last round of the punch, I -addressed myself to Traddles, and reminded him that we must not -separate, without wishing our friends health, happiness, and -success in their new career. I begged Mr. Micawber to fill us -bumpers, and proposed the toast in due form: shaking hands with him -across the table, and kissing Mrs. Micawber, to commemorate that -eventful occasion. Traddles imitated me in the first particular, -but did not consider himself a sufficiently old friend to venture -on the second. - -'My dear Copperfield,' said Mr. Micawber, rising with one of his -thumbs in each of his waistcoat pockets, 'the companion of my -youth: if I may be allowed the expression - and my esteemed friend -Traddles: if I may be permitted to call him so - will allow me, on -the part of Mrs. Micawber, myself, and our offspring, to thank them -in the warmest and most uncompromising terms for their good wishes. -It may be expected that on the eve of a migration which will -consign us to a perfectly new existence,' Mr. Micawber spoke as if -they were going five hundred thousand miles, 'I should offer a few -valedictory remarks to two such friends as I see before me. But -all that I have to say in this way, I have said. Whatever station -in society I may attain, through the medium of the learned -profession of which I am about to become an unworthy member, I -shall endeavour not to disgrace, and Mrs. Micawber will be safe to -adorn. Under the temporary pressure of pecuniary liabilities, -contracted with a view to their immediate liquidation, but -remaining unliquidated through a combination of circumstances, I -have been under the necessity of assuming a garb from which my -natural instincts recoil - I allude to spectacles - and possessing -myself of a cognomen, to which I can establish no legitimate -pretensions. All I have to say on that score is, that the cloud -has passed from the dreary scene, and the God of Day is once more -high upon the mountain tops. On Monday next, on the arrival of the -four o'clock afternoon coach at Canterbury, my foot will be on my -native heath - my name, Micawber!' - -Mr. Micawber resumed his seat on the close of these remarks, and -drank two glasses of punch in grave succession. He then said with -much solemnity: - -'One thing more I have to do, before this separation is complete, -and that is to perform an act of justice. My friend Mr. Thomas -Traddles has, on two several occasions, "put his name", if I may -use a common expression, to bills of exchange for my accommodation. -On the first occasion Mr. Thomas Traddles was left - let me say, in -short, in the lurch. The fulfilment of the second has not yet -arrived. The amount of the first obligation,' here Mr. Micawber -carefully referred to papers, 'was, I believe, twenty-three, four, -nine and a half, of the second, according to my entry of that -transaction, eighteen, six, two. These sums, united, make a total, -if my calculation is correct, amounting to forty-one, ten, eleven -and a half. My friend Copperfield will perhaps do me the favour to -check that total?' - -I did so and found it correct. - -'To leave this metropolis,' said Mr. Micawber, 'and my friend Mr. -Thomas Traddles, without acquitting myself of the pecuniary part of -this obligation, would weigh upon my mind to an insupportable -extent. I have, therefore, prepared for my friend Mr. Thomas -Traddles, and I now hold in my hand, a document, which accomplishes -the desired object. I beg to hand to my friend Mr. Thomas Traddles -my I.O.U. for forty-one, ten, eleven and a half, and I am happy to -recover my moral dignity, and to know that I can once more walk -erect before my fellow man!' - -With this introduction (which greatly affected him), Mr. Micawber -placed his I.O.U. in the hands of Traddles, and said he wished him -well in every relation of life. I am persuaded, not only that this -was quite the same to Mr. Micawber as paying the money, but that -Traddles himself hardly knew the difference until he had had time -to think about it. -Mr. Micawber walked so erect before his fellow man, on the strength -of this virtuous action, that his chest looked half as broad again -when he lighted us downstairs. We parted with great heartiness on -both sides; and when I had seen Traddles to his own door, and was -going home alone, I thought, among the other odd and contradictory -things I mused upon, that, slippery as Mr. Micawber was, I was -probably indebted to some compassionate recollection he retained of -me as his boy-lodger, for never having been asked by him for money. -I certainly should not have had the moral courage to refuse it; and -I have no doubt he knew that (to his credit be it written), quite -as well as I did. - - - -CHAPTER 37 -A LITTLE COLD WATER - - -My new life had lasted for more than a week, and I was stronger -than ever in those tremendous practical resolutions that I felt the -crisis required. I continued to walk extremely fast, and to have -a general idea that I was getting on. I made it a rule to take as -much out of myself as I possibly could, in my way of doing -everything to which I applied my energies. I made a perfect victim -of myself. I even entertained some idea of putting myself on a -vegetable diet, vaguely conceiving that, in becoming a -graminivorous animal, I should sacrifice to Dora. - -As yet, little Dora was quite unconscious of my desperate firmness, -otherwise than as my letters darkly shadowed it forth. But another -Saturday came, and on that Saturday evening she was to be at Miss -Mills's; and when Mr. Mills had gone to his whist-club (telegraphed -to me in the street, by a bird-cage in the drawing-room middle -window), I was to go there to tea. - -By this time, we were quite settled down in Buckingham Street, -where Mr. Dick continued his copying in a state of absolute -felicity. My aunt had obtained a signal victory over Mrs. Crupp, -by paying her off, throwing the first pitcher she planted on the -stairs out of window, and protecting in person, up and down the -staircase, a supernumerary whom she engaged from the outer world. -These vigorous measures struck such terror to the breast of Mrs. -Crupp, that she subsided into her own kitchen, under the impression -that my aunt was mad. My aunt being supremely indifferent to Mrs. -Crupp's opinion and everybody else's, and rather favouring than -discouraging the idea, Mrs. Crupp, of late the bold, became within -a few days so faint-hearted, that rather than encounter my aunt -upon the staircase, she would endeavour to hide her portly form -behind doors - leaving visible, however, a wide margin of flannel -petticoat - or would shrink into dark corners. This gave my aunt -such unspeakable satisfaction, that I believe she took a delight in -prowling up and down, with her bonnet insanely perched on the top -of her head, at times when Mrs. Crupp was likely to be in the way. - -My aunt, being uncommonly neat and ingenious, made so many little -improvements in our domestic arrangements, that I seemed to be -richer instead of poorer. Among the rest, she converted the pantry -into a dressing-room for me; and purchased and embellished a -bedstead for my occupation, which looked as like a bookcase in the -daytime as a bedstead could. I was the object of her constant -solicitude; and my poor mother herself could not have loved me -better, or studied more how to make me happy. - -Peggotty had considered herself highly privileged in being allowed -to participate in these labours; and, although she still retained -something of her old sentiment of awe in reference to my aunt, had -received so many marks of encouragement and confidence, that they -were the best friends possible. But the time had now come (I am -speaking of the Saturday when I was to take tea at Miss Mills's) -when it was necessary for her to return home, and enter on the -discharge of the duties she had undertaken in behalf of Ham. 'So -good-bye, Barkis,' said my aunt, 'and take care of yourself! I am -sure I never thought I could be sorry to lose you!' - -I took Peggotty to the coach office and saw her off. She cried at -parting, and confided her brother to my friendship as Ham had done. -We had heard nothing of him since he went away, that sunny -afternoon. - -'And now, my own dear Davy,' said Peggotty, 'if, while you're a -prentice, you should want any money to spend; or if, when you're -out of your time, my dear, you should want any to set you up (and -you must do one or other, or both, my darling); who has such a good -right to ask leave to lend it you, as my sweet girl's own old -stupid me!' - -I was not so savagely independent as to say anything in reply, but -that if ever I borrowed money of anyone, I would borrow it of her. -Next to accepting a large sum on the spot, I believe this gave -Peggotty more comfort than anything I could have done. - -'And, my dear!' whispered Peggotty, 'tell the pretty little angel -that I should so have liked to see her, only for a minute! And -tell her that before she marries my boy, I'll come and make your -house so beautiful for you, if you'll let me!' - -I declared that nobody else should touch it; and this gave Peggotty -such delight that she went away in good spirits. - -I fatigued myself as much as I possibly could in the Commons all -day, by a variety of devices, and at the appointed time in the -evening repaired to Mr. Mills's street. Mr. Mills, who was a -terrible fellow to fall asleep after dinner, had not yet gone out, -and there was no bird-cage in the middle window. - -He kept me waiting so long, that I fervently hoped the Club would -fine him for being late. At last he came out; and then I saw my -own Dora hang up the bird-cage, and peep into the balcony to look -for me, and run in again when she saw I was there, while Jip -remained behind, to bark injuriously at an immense butcher's dog in -the street, who could have taken him like a pill. - -Dora came to the drawing-room door to meet me; and Jip came -scrambling out, tumbling over his own growls, under the impression -that I was a Bandit; and we all three went in, as happy and loving -as could be. I soon carried desolation into the bosom of our joys -- not that I meant to do it, but that I was so full of the subject -- by asking Dora, without the smallest preparation, if she could -love a beggar? - -My pretty, little, startled Dora! Her only association with the -word was a yellow face and a nightcap, or a pair of crutches, or a -wooden leg, or a dog with a decanter-stand in his mouth, or -something of that kind; and she stared at me with the most -delightful wonder. - -'How can you ask me anything so foolish?' pouted Dora. 'Love a -beggar!' - -'Dora, my own dearest!' said I. 'I am a beggar!' - -'How can you be such a silly thing,' replied Dora, slapping my -hand, 'as to sit there, telling such stories? I'll make Jip bite -you!' - -Her childish way was the most delicious way in the world to me, but -it was necessary to be explicit, and I solemnly repeated: - -'Dora, my own life, I am your ruined David!' - -'I declare I'll make Jip bite you!' said Dora, shaking her curls, -'if you are so ridiculous.' - -But I looked so serious, that Dora left off shaking her curls, and -laid her trembling little hand upon my shoulder, and first looked -scared and anxious, then began to cry. That was dreadful. I fell -upon my knees before the sofa, caressing her, and imploring her not -to rend my heart; but, for some time, poor little Dora did nothing -but exclaim Oh dear! Oh dear! And oh, she was so frightened! And -where was Julia Mills! And oh, take her to Julia Mills, and go -away, please! until I was almost beside myself. - -At last, after an agony of supplication and protestation, I got -Dora to look at me, with a horrified expression of face, which I -gradually soothed until it was only loving, and her soft, pretty -cheek was lying against mine. Then I told her, with my arms -clasped round her, how I loved her, so dearly, and so dearly; how -I felt it right to offer to release her from her engagement, -because now I was poor; how I never could bear it, or recover it, -if I lost her; how I had no fears of poverty, if she had none, my -arm being nerved and my heart inspired by her; how I was already -working with a courage such as none but lovers knew; how I had -begun to be practical, and look into the future; how a crust well -earned was sweeter far than a feast inherited; and much more to the -same purpose, which I delivered in a burst of passionate eloquence -quite surprising to myself, though I had been thinking about it, -day and night, ever since my aunt had astonished me. - -'Is your heart mine still, dear Dora?' said I, rapturously, for I -knew by her clinging to me that it was. - -'Oh, yes!' cried Dora. 'Oh, yes, it's all yours. Oh, don't be -dreadful!' - -I dreadful! To Dora! - -'Don't talk about being poor, and working hard!' said Dora, -nestling closer to me. 'Oh, don't, don't!' - -'My dearest love,' said I, 'the crust well-earned -' - -'Oh, yes; but I don't want to hear any more about crusts!' said -Dora. 'And Jip must have a mutton-chop every day at twelve, or -he'll die.' - -I was charmed with her childish, winning way. I fondly explained -to Dora that Jip should have his mutton-chop with his accustomed -regularity. I drew a picture of our frugal home, made independent -by my labour - sketching in the little house I had seen at -Highgate, and my aunt in her room upstairs. - -'I am not dreadful now, Dora?' said I, tenderly. - -'Oh, no, no!' cried Dora. 'But I hope your aunt will keep in her -own room a good deal. And I hope she's not a scolding old thing!' - -If it were possible for me to love Dora more than ever, I am sure -I did. But I felt she was a little impracticable. It damped my -new-born ardour, to find that ardour so difficult of communication -to her. I made another trial. When she was quite herself again, -and was curling Jip's ears, as he lay upon her lap, I became grave, -and said: - -'My own! May I mention something?' - -'Oh, please don't be practical!' said Dora, coaxingly. 'Because it -frightens me so!' - -'Sweetheart!' I returned; 'there is nothing to alarm you in all -this. I want you to think of it quite differently. I want to make -it nerve you, and inspire you, Dora!' - -'Oh, but that's so shocking!' cried Dora. - -'My love, no. Perseverance and strength of character will enable -us to bear much worse things.' -'But I haven't got any strength at all,' said Dora, shaking her -curls. 'Have I, Jip? Oh, do kiss Jip, and be agreeable!' - -It was impossible to resist kissing Jip, when she held him up to me -for that purpose, putting her own bright, rosy little mouth into -kissing form, as she directed the operation, which she insisted -should be performed symmetrically, on the centre of his nose. I -did as she bade me - rewarding myself afterwards for my obedience -- and she charmed me out of my graver character for I don't know -how long. - -'But, Dora, my beloved!' said I, at last resuming it; 'I was going -to mention something.' - -The judge of the Prerogative Court might have fallen in love with -her, to see her fold her little hands and hold them up, begging and -praying me not to be dreadful any more. - -'Indeed I am not going to be, my darling!' I assured her. 'But, -Dora, my love, if you will sometimes think, - not despondingly, you -know; far from that! - but if you will sometimes think - just to -encourage yourself - that you are engaged to a poor man -' - -'Don't, don't! Pray don't!' cried Dora. 'It's so very dreadful!' - -'My soul, not at all!' said I, cheerfully. 'If you will sometimes -think of that, and look about now and then at your papa's -housekeeping, and endeavour to acquire a little habit - of -accounts, for instance -' - -Poor little Dora received this suggestion with something that was -half a sob and half a scream. - -'- It would be so useful to us afterwards,' I went on. 'And if you -would promise me to read a little - a little Cookery Book that I -would send you, it would be so excellent for both of us. For our -path in life, my Dora,' said I, warming with the subject, 'is stony -and rugged now, and it rests with us to smooth it. We must fight -our way onward. We must be brave. There are obstacles to be met, -and we must meet, and crush them!' - -I was going on at a great rate, with a clenched hand, and a most -enthusiastic countenance; but it was quite unnecessary to proceed. -I had said enough. I had done it again. Oh, she was so -frightened! Oh, where was Julia Mills! Oh, take her to Julia -Mills, and go away, please! So that, in short, I was quite -distracted, and raved about the drawing-room. - -I thought I had killed her, this time. I sprinkled water on her -face. I went down on my knees. I plucked at my hair. I denounced -myself as a remorseless brute and a ruthless beast. I implored her -forgiveness. I besought her to look up. I ravaged Miss Mills's -work-box for a smelling-bottle, and in my agony of mind applied an -ivory needle-case instead, and dropped all the needles over Dora. -I shook my fists at Jip, who was as frantic as myself. I did every -wild extravagance that could be done, and was a long way beyond the -end of my wits when Miss Mills came into the room. - -'Who has done this?' exclaimed Miss Mills, succouring her friend. - -I replied, 'I, Miss Mills! I have done it! Behold the destroyer!' -- or words to that effect - and hid my face from the light, in the -sofa cushion. - -At first Miss Mills thought it was a quarrel, and that we were -verging on the Desert of Sahara; but she soon found out how matters -stood, for my dear affectionate little Dora, embracing her, began -exclaiming that I was 'a poor labourer'; and then cried for me, and -embraced me, and asked me would I let her give me all her money to -keep, and then fell on Miss Mills's neck, sobbing as if her tender -heart were broken. - -Miss Mills must have been born to be a blessing to us. She -ascertained from me in a few words what it was all about, comforted -Dora, and gradually convinced her that I was not a labourer - from -my manner of stating the case I believe Dora concluded that I was -a navigator, and went balancing myself up and down a plank all day -with a wheelbarrow - and so brought us together in peace. When we -were quite composed, and Dora had gone up-stairs to put some -rose-water to her eyes, Miss Mills rang for tea. In the ensuing -interval, I told Miss Mills that she was evermore my friend, and -that my heart must cease to vibrate ere I could forget her -sympathy. - -I then expounded to Miss Mills what I had endeavoured, so very -unsuccessfully, to expound to Dora. Miss Mills replied, on general -principles, that the Cottage of content was better than the Palace -of cold splendour, and that where love was, all was. - -I said to Miss Mills that this was very true, and who should know -it better than I, who loved Dora with a love that never mortal had -experienced yet? But on Miss Mills observing, with despondency, -that it were well indeed for some hearts if this were so, I -explained that I begged leave to restrict the observation to -mortals of the masculine gender. - -I then put it to Miss Mills, to say whether she considered that -there was or was not any practical merit in the suggestion I had -been anxious to make, concerning the accounts, the housekeeping, -and the Cookery Book? - -Miss Mills, after some consideration, thus replied: - -'Mr. Copperfield, I will be plain with you. Mental suffering and -trial supply, in some natures, the place of years, and I will be as -plain with you as if I were a Lady Abbess. No. The suggestion is -not appropriate to our Dora. Our dearest Dora is a favourite child -of nature. She is a thing of light, and airiness, and joy. I am -free to confess that if it could be done, it might be well, but -' -And Miss Mills shook her head. - -I was encouraged by this closing admission on the part of Miss -Mills to ask her, whether, for Dora's sake, if she had any -opportunity of luring her attention to such preparations for an -earnest life, she would avail herself of it? Miss Mills replied in -the affirmative so readily, that I further asked her if she would -take charge of the Cookery Book; and, if she ever could insinuate -it upon Dora's acceptance, without frightening her, undertake to do -me that crowning service. Miss Mills accepted this trust, too; but -was not sanguine. - -And Dora returned, looking such a lovely little creature, that I -really doubted whether she ought to be troubled with anything so -ordinary. And she loved me so much, and was so captivating -(particularly when she made Jip stand on his hind legs for toast, -and when she pretended to hold that nose of his against the hot -teapot for punishment because he wouldn't), that I felt like a sort -of Monster who had got into a Fairy's bower, when I thought of -having frightened her, and made her cry. - -After tea we had the guitar; and Dora sang those same dear old -French songs about the impossibility of ever on any account leaving -off dancing, La ra la, La ra la, until I felt a much greater -Monster than before. - -We had only one check to our pleasure, and that happened a little -while before I took my leave, when, Miss Mills chancing to make -some allusion to tomorrow morning, I unluckily let out that, being -obliged to exert myself now, I got up at five o'clock. Whether -Dora had any idea that I was a Private Watchman, I am unable to -say; but it made a great impression on her, and she neither played -nor sang any more. - -It was still on her mind when I bade her adieu; and she said to me, -in her pretty coaxing way - as if I were a doll, I used to think: - -'Now don't get up at five o'clock, you naughty boy. It's so -nonsensical!' - -'My love,' said I, 'I have work to do.' - -'But don't do it!' returned Dora. 'Why should you?' - -It was impossible to say to that sweet little surprised face, -otherwise than lightly and playfully, that we must work to live. - -'Oh! How ridiculous!' cried Dora. - -'How shall we live without, Dora?' said I. - -'How? Any how!' said Dora. - -She seemed to think she had quite settled the question, and gave me -such a triumphant little kiss, direct from her innocent heart, that -I would hardly have put her out of conceit with her answer, for a -fortune. - -Well! I loved her, and I went on loving her, most absorbingly, -entirely, and completely. But going on, too, working pretty hard, -and busily keeping red-hot all the irons I now had in the fire, I -would sit sometimes of a night, opposite my aunt, thinking how I -had frightened Dora that time, and how I could best make my way -with a guitar-case through the forest of difficulty, until I used -to fancy that my head was turning quite grey. - - - -CHAPTER 38 -A DISSOLUTION OF PARTNERSHIP - - -I did not allow my resolution, with respect to the Parliamentary -Debates, to cool. It was one of the irons I began to heat -immediately, and one of the irons I kept hot, and hammered at, with -a perseverance I may honestly admire. I bought an approved scheme -of the noble art and mystery of stenography (which cost me ten and -sixpence); and plunged into a sea of perplexity that brought me, in -a few weeks, to the confines of distraction. The changes that were -rung upon dots, which in such a position meant such a thing, and in -such another position something else, entirely different; the -wonderful vagaries that were played by circles; the unaccountable -consequences that resulted from marks like flies' legs; the -tremendous effects of a curve in a wrong place; not only troubled -my waking hours, but reappeared before me in my sleep. When I had -groped my way, blindly, through these difficulties, and had -mastered the alphabet, which was an Egyptian Temple in itself, -there then appeared a procession of new horrors, called arbitrary -characters; the most despotic characters I have ever known; who -insisted, for instance, that a thing like the beginning of a -cobweb, meant expectation, and that a pen-and-ink sky-rocket, stood -for disadvantageous. When I had fixed these wretches in my mind, -I found that they had driven everything else out of it; then, -beginning again, I forgot them; while I was picking them up, I -dropped the other fragments of the system; in short, it was almost -heart-breaking. - -It might have been quite heart-breaking, but for Dora, who was the -stay and anchor of my tempest-driven bark. Every scratch in the -scheme was a gnarled oak in the forest of difficulty, and I went on -cutting them down, one after another, with such vigour, that in -three or four months I was in a condition to make an experiment on -one of our crack speakers in the Commons. Shall I ever forget how -the crack speaker walked off from me before I began, and left my -imbecile pencil staggering about the paper as if it were in a fit! - -This would not do, it was quite clear. I was flying too high, and -should never get on, so. I resorted to Traddles for advice; who -suggested that he should dictate speeches to me, at a pace, and -with occasional stoppages, adapted to my weakness. Very grateful -for this friendly aid, I accepted the proposal; and night after -night, almost every night, for a long time, we had a sort of -Private Parliament in Buckingham Street, after I came home from the -Doctor's. - -I should like to see such a Parliament anywhere else! My aunt and -Mr. Dick represented the Government or the Opposition (as the case -might be), and Traddles, with the assistance of Enfield's Speakers, -or a volume of parliamentary orations, thundered astonishing -invectives against them. Standing by the table, with his finger in -the page to keep the place, and his right arm flourishing above his -head, Traddles, as Mr. Pitt, Mr. Fox, Mr. Sheridan, Mr. Burke, Lord -Castlereagh, Viscount Sidmouth, or Mr. Canning, would work himself -into the most violent heats, and deliver the most withering -denunciations of the profligacy and corruption of my aunt and Mr. -Dick; while I used to sit, at a little distance, with my notebook -on my knee, fagging after him with all my might and main. The -inconsistency and recklessness of Traddles were not to be exceeded -by any real politician. He was for any description of policy, in -the compass of a week; and nailed all sorts of colours to every -denomination of mast. My aunt, looking very like an immovable -Chancellor of the Exchequer, would occasionally throw in an -interruption or two, as 'Hear!' or 'No!' or 'Oh!' when the text -seemed to require it: which was always a signal to Mr. Dick (a -perfect country gentleman) to follow lustily with the same cry. -But Mr. Dick got taxed with such things in the course of his -Parliamentary career, and was made responsible for such awful -consequences, that he became uncomfortable in his mind sometimes. -I believe he actually began to be afraid he really had been doing -something, tending to the annihilation of the British constitution, -and the ruin of the country. - -Often and often we pursued these debates until the clock pointed to -midnight, and the candles were burning down. The result of so much -good practice was, that by and by I began to keep pace with -Traddles pretty well, and should have been quite triumphant if I -had had the least idea what my notes were about. But, as to -reading them after I had got them, I might as well have copied the -Chinese inscriptions of an immense collection of tea-chests, or the -golden characters on all the great red and green bottles in the -chemists' shops! - -There was nothing for it, but to turn back and begin all over -again. It was very hard, but I turned back, though with a heavy -heart, and began laboriously and methodically to plod over the same -tedious ground at a snail's pace; stopping to examine minutely -every speck in the way, on all sides, and making the most desperate -efforts to know these elusive characters by sight wherever I met -them. I was always punctual at the office; at the Doctor's too: -and I really did work, as the common expression is, like a -cart-horse. -One day, when I went to the Commons as usual, I found Mr. Spenlow -in the doorway looking extremely grave, and talking to himself. As -he was in the habit of complaining of pains in his head - he had -naturally a short throat, and I do seriously believe he -over-starched himself - I was at first alarmed by the idea that he -was not quite right in that direction; but he soon relieved my -uneasiness. - -Instead of returning my 'Good morning' with his usual affability, -he looked at me in a distant, ceremonious manner, and coldly -requested me to accompany him to a certain coffee-house, which, in -those days, had a door opening into the Commons, just within the -little archway in St. Paul's Churchyard. I complied, in a very -uncomfortable state, and with a warm shooting all over me, as if my -apprehensions were breaking out into buds. When I allowed him to -go on a little before, on account of the narrowness of the way, I -observed that he carried his head with a lofty air that was -particularly unpromising; and my mind misgave me that he had found -out about my darling Dora. - -If I had not guessed this, on the way to the coffee-house, I could -hardly have failed to know what was the matter when I followed him -into an upstairs room, and found Miss Murdstone there, supported by -a background of sideboard, on which were several inverted tumblers -sustaining lemons, and two of those extraordinary boxes, all -corners and flutings, for sticking knives and forks in, which, -happily for mankind, are now obsolete. - -Miss Murdstone gave me her chilly finger-nails, and sat severely -rigid. Mr. Spenlow shut the door, motioned me to a chair, and -stood on the hearth-rug in front of the fireplace. - -'Have the goodness to show Mr. Copperfield,' said Mr. Spenlow, what -you have in your reticule, Miss Murdstone.' - -I believe it was the old identical steel-clasped reticule of my -childhood, that shut up like a bite. Compressing her lips, in -sympathy with the snap, Miss Murdstone opened it - opening her -mouth a little at the same time - and produced my last letter to -Dora, teeming with expressions of devoted affection. - -'I believe that is your writing, Mr. Copperfield?' said Mr. -Spenlow. - -I was very hot, and the voice I heard was very unlike mine, when I -said, 'It is, sir!' - -'If I am not mistaken,' said Mr. Spenlow, as Miss Murdstone brought -a parcel of letters out of her reticule, tied round with the -dearest bit of blue ribbon, 'those are also from your pen, Mr. -Copperfield?' - -I took them from her with a most desolate sensation; and, glancing -at such phrases at the top, as 'My ever dearest and own Dora,' 'My -best beloved angel,' 'My blessed one for ever,' and the like, -blushed deeply, and inclined my head. - -'No, thank you!' said Mr. Spenlow, coldly, as I mechanically -offered them back to him. 'I will not deprive you of them. Miss -Murdstone, be so good as to proceed!' - -That gentle creature, after a moment's thoughtful survey of the -carpet, delivered herself with much dry unction as follows. - -'I must confess to having entertained my suspicions of Miss -Spenlow, in reference to David Copperfield, for some time. I -observed Miss Spenlow and David Copperfield, when they first met; -and the impression made upon me then was not agreeable. The -depravity of the human heart is such -' - -'You will oblige me, ma'am,' interrupted Mr. Spenlow, 'by confining -yourself to facts.' - -Miss Murdstone cast down her eyes, shook her head as if protesting -against this unseemly interruption, and with frowning dignity -resumed: - -'Since I am to confine myself to facts, I will state them as dryly -as I can. Perhaps that will be considered an acceptable course of -proceeding. I have already said, sir, that I have had my -suspicions of Miss Spenlow, in reference to David Copperfield, for -some time. I have frequently endeavoured to find decisive -corroboration of those suspicions, but without effect. I have -therefore forborne to mention them to Miss Spenlow's father'; -looking severely at him- 'knowing how little disposition there -usually is in such cases, to acknowledge the conscientious -discharge of duty.' - -Mr. Spenlow seemed quite cowed by the gentlemanly sternness of Miss -Murdstone's manner, and deprecated her severity with a conciliatory -little wave of his hand. - -'On my return to Norwood, after the period of absence occasioned by -my brother's marriage,' pursued Miss Murdstone in a disdainful -voice, 'and on the return of Miss Spenlow from her visit to her -friend Miss Mills, I imagined that the manner of Miss Spenlow gave -me greater occasion for suspicion than before. Therefore I watched -Miss Spenlow closely.' - -Dear, tender little Dora, so unconscious of this Dragon's eye! - -'Still,' resumed Miss Murdstone, 'I found no proof until last -night. It appeared to me that Miss Spenlow received too many -letters from her friend Miss Mills; but Miss Mills being her friend -with her father's full concurrence,' another telling blow at Mr. -Spenlow, 'it was not for me to interfere. If I may not be -permitted to allude to the natural depravity of the human heart, at -least I may - I must - be permitted, so far to refer to misplaced -confidence.' - -Mr. Spenlow apologetically murmured his assent. - -'Last evening after tea,' pursued Miss Murdstone, 'I observed the -little dog starting, rolling, and growling about the drawing-room, -worrying something. I said to Miss Spenlow, "Dora, what is that -the dog has in his mouth? It's paper." Miss Spenlow immediately -put her hand to her frock, gave a sudden cry, and ran to the dog. -I interposed, and said, "Dora, my love, you must permit me." ' - -Oh Jip, miserable Spaniel, this wretchedness, then, was your work! - -'Miss Spenlow endeavoured,' said Miss Murdstone, 'to bribe me with -kisses, work-boxes, and small articles of jewellery - that, of -course, I pass over. The little dog retreated under the sofa on my -approaching him, and was with great difficulty dislodged by the -fire-irons. Even when dislodged, he still kept the letter in his -mouth; and on my endeavouring to take it from him, at the imminent -risk of being bitten, he kept it between his teeth so -pertinaciously as to suffer himself to be held suspended in the air -by means of the document. At length I obtained possession of it. -After perusing it, I taxed Miss Spenlow with having many such -letters in her possession; and ultimately obtained from her the -packet which is now in David Copperfield's hand.' - -Here she ceased; and snapping her reticule again, and shutting her -mouth, looked as if she might be broken, but could never be bent. - -'You have heard Miss Murdstone,' said Mr. Spenlow, turning to me. -'I beg to ask, Mr. Copperfield, if you have anything to say in -reply?' - -The picture I had before me, of the beautiful little treasure of my -heart, sobbing and crying all night - of her being alone, -frightened, and wretched, then - of her having so piteously begged -and prayed that stony-hearted woman to forgive her - of her having -vainly offered her those kisses, work-boxes, and trinkets - of her -being in such grievous distress, and all for me - very much -impaired the little dignity I had been able to muster. I am afraid -I was in a tremulous state for a minute or so, though I did my best -to disguise it. - -'There is nothing I can say, sir,' I returned, 'except that all the -blame is mine. Dora -' - -'Miss Spenlow, if you please,' said her father, majestically. - -'- was induced and persuaded by me,' I went on, swallowing that -colder designation, 'to consent to this concealment, and I bitterly -regret it.' - -'You are very much to blame, sir,' said Mr. Spenlow, walking to and -fro upon the hearth-rug, and emphasizing what he said with his -whole body instead of his head, on account of the stiffness of his -cravat and spine. 'You have done a stealthy and unbecoming action, -Mr. Copperfield. When I take a gentleman to my house, no matter -whether he is nineteen, twenty-nine, or ninety, I take him there in -a spirit of confidence. If he abuses my confidence, he commits a -dishonourable action, Mr. Copperfield.' - -'I feel it, sir, I assure you,' I returned. 'But I never thought -so, before. Sincerely, honestly, indeed, Mr. Spenlow, I never -thought so, before. I love Miss Spenlow to that extent -' - -'Pooh! nonsense!' said Mr. Spenlow, reddening. 'Pray don't tell me -to my face that you love my daughter, Mr. Copperfield!' - -'Could I defend my conduct if I did not, sir?' I returned, with all -humility. - -'Can you defend your conduct if you do, sir?' said Mr. Spenlow, -stopping short upon the hearth-rug. 'Have you considered your -years, and my daughter's years, Mr. Copperfield? Have you -considered what it is to undermine the confidence that should -subsist between my daughter and myself? Have you considered my -daughter's station in life, the projects I may contemplate for her -advancement, the testamentary intentions I may have with reference -to her? Have you considered anything, Mr. Copperfield?' - -'Very little, sir, I am afraid;' I answered, speaking to him as -respectfully and sorrowfully as I felt; 'but pray believe me, I -have considered my own worldly position. When I explained it to -you, we were already engaged -' - -'I BEG,' said Mr. Spenlow, more like Punch than I had ever seen -him, as he energetically struck one hand upon the other - I could -not help noticing that even in my despair; 'that YOU Will NOT talk -to me of engagements, Mr. Copperfield!' - -The otherwise immovable Miss Murdstone laughed contemptuously in -one short syllable. - -'When I explained my altered position to you, sir,' I began again, -substituting a new form of expression for what was so unpalatable -to him, 'this concealment, into which I am so unhappy as to have -led Miss Spenlow, had begun. Since I have been in that altered -position, I have strained every nerve, I have exerted every energy, -to improve it. I am sure I shall improve it in time. Will you -grant me time - any length of time? We are both so young, sir, -' - -'You are right,' interrupted Mr. Spenlow, nodding his head a great -many times, and frowning very much, 'you are both very young. It's -all nonsense. Let there be an end of the nonsense. Take away -those letters, and throw them in the fire. Give me Miss Spenlow's -letters to throw in the fire; and although our future intercourse -must, you are aware, be restricted to the Commons here, we will -agree to make no further mention of the past. Come, Mr. -Copperfield, you don't want sense; and this is the sensible -course.' - -No. I couldn't think of agreeing to it. I was very sorry, but -there was a higher consideration than sense. Love was above all -earthly considerations, and I loved Dora to idolatry, and Dora -loved me. I didn't exactly say so; I softened it down as much as -I could; but I implied it, and I was resolute upon it. I don't -think I made myself very ridiculous, but I know I was resolute. - -'Very well, Mr. Copperfield,' said Mr. Spenlow, 'I must try my -influence with my daughter.' - -Miss Murdstone, by an expressive sound, a long drawn respiration, -which was neither a sigh nor a moan, but was like both, gave it as -her opinion that he should have done this at first. - -'I must try,' said Mr. Spenlow, confirmed by this support, 'my -influence with my daughter. Do you decline to take those letters, -Mr. Copperfield?' For I had laid them on the table. - -Yes. I told him I hoped he would not think it wrong, but I -couldn't possibly take them from Miss Murdstone. - -'Nor from me?' said Mr. Spenlow. - -No, I replied with the profoundest respect; nor from him. - -'Very well!' said Mr. Spenlow. - -A silence succeeding, I was undecided whether to go or stay. At -length I was moving quietly towards the door, with the intention of -saying that perhaps I should consult his feelings best by -withdrawing: when he said, with his hands in his coat pockets, into -which it was as much as he could do to get them; and with what I -should call, upon the whole, a decidedly pious air: - -'You are probably aware, Mr. Copperfield, that I am not altogether -destitute of worldly possessions, and that my daughter is my -nearest and dearest relative?' - -I hurriedly made him a reply to the effect, that I hoped the error -into which I had been betrayed by the desperate nature of my love, -did not induce him to think me mercenary too? - -'I don't allude to the matter in that light,' said Mr. Spenlow. -'It would be better for yourself, and all of us, if you WERE -mercenary, Mr. Copperfield - I mean, if you were more discreet and -less influenced by all this youthful nonsense. No. I merely say, -with quite another view, you are probably aware I have some -property to bequeath to my child?' - -I certainly supposed so. - -'And you can hardly think,' said Mr. Spenlow, 'having experience of -what we see, in the Commons here, every day, of the various -unaccountable and negligent proceedings of men, in respect of their -testamentary arrangements - of all subjects, the one on which -perhaps the strangest revelations of human inconsistency are to be -met with - but that mine are made?' - -I inclined my head in acquiescence. - -'I should not allow,' said Mr. Spenlow, with an evident increase of -pious sentiment, and slowly shaking his head as he poised himself -upon his toes and heels alternately, 'my suitable provision for my -child to be influenced by a piece of youthful folly like the -present. It is mere folly. Mere nonsense. In a little while, it -will weigh lighter than any feather. But I might - I might - if -this silly business were not completely relinquished altogether, be -induced in some anxious moment to guard her from, and surround her -with protections against, the consequences of any foolish step in -the way of marriage. Now, Mr. Copperfield, I hope that you will -not render it necessary for me to open, even for a quarter of an -hour, that closed page in the book of life, and unsettle, even for -a quarter of an hour, grave affairs long since composed.' - -There was a serenity, a tranquillity, a calm sunset air about him, -which quite affected me. He was so peaceful and resigned - clearly -had his affairs in such perfect train, and so systematically wound -up - that he was a man to feel touched in the contemplation of. I -really think I saw tears rise to his eyes, from the depth of his -own feeling of all this. - -But what could I do? I could not deny Dora and my own heart. When -he told me I had better take a week to consider of what he had -said, how could I say I wouldn't take a week, yet how could I fail -to know that no amount of weeks could influence such love as mine? - -'In the meantime, confer with Miss Trotwood, or with any person -with any knowledge of life,' said Mr. Spenlow, adjusting his cravat -with both hands. 'Take a week, Mr. Copperfield.' - -I submitted; and, with a countenance as expressive as I was able to -make it of dejected and despairing constancy, came out of the room. -Miss Murdstone's heavy eyebrows followed me to the door - I say her -eyebrows rather than her eyes, because they were much more -important in her face - and she looked so exactly as she used to -look, at about that hour of the morning, in our parlour at -Blunderstone, that I could have fancied I had been breaking down in -my lessons again, and that the dead weight on my mind was that -horrible old spelling-book, with oval woodcuts, shaped, to my -youthful fancy, like the glasses out of spectacles. - -When I got to the office, and, shutting out old Tiffey and the rest -of them with my hands, sat at my desk, in my own particular nook, -thinking of this earthquake that had taken place so unexpectedly, -and in the bitterness of my spirit cursing Jip, I fell into such a -state of torment about Dora, that I wonder I did not take up my hat -and rush insanely to Norwood. The idea of their frightening her, -and making her cry, and of my not being there to comfort her, was -so excruciating, that it impelled me to write a wild letter to Mr. -Spenlow, beseeching him not to visit upon her the consequences of -my awful destiny. I implored him to spare her gentle nature - not -to crush a fragile flower - and addressed him generally, to the -best of my remembrance, as if, instead of being her father, he had -been an Ogre, or the Dragon of Wantley.3 This letter I sealed and -laid upon his desk before he returned; and when he came in, I saw -him, through the half-opened door of his room, take it up and read -it. - -He said nothing about it all the morning; but before he went away -in the afternoon he called me in, and told me that I need not make -myself at all uneasy about his daughter's happiness. He had -assured her, he said, that it was all nonsense; and he had nothing -more to say to her. He believed he was an indulgent father (as -indeed he was), and I might spare myself any solicitude on her -account. - -'You may make it necessary, if you are foolish or obstinate, Mr. -Copperfield,' he observed, 'for me to send my daughter abroad -again, for a term; but I have a better opinion of you. I hope you -will be wiser than that, in a few days. As to Miss Murdstone,' for -I had alluded to her in the letter, 'I respect that lady's -vigilance, and feel obliged to her; but she has strict charge to -avoid the subject. All I desire, Mr. Copperfield, is, that it -should be forgotten. All you have got to do, Mr. Copperfield, is -to forget it.' - -All! In the note I wrote to Miss Mills, I bitterly quoted this -sentiment. All I had to do, I said, with gloomy sarcasm, was to -forget Dora. That was all, and what was that! I entreated Miss -Mills to see me, that evening. If it could not be done with Mr. -Mills's sanction and concurrence, I besought a clandestine -interview in the back kitchen where the Mangle was. I informed her -that my reason was tottering on its throne, and only she, Miss -Mills, could prevent its being deposed. I signed myself, hers -distractedly; and I couldn't help feeling, while I read this -composition over, before sending it by a porter, that it was -something in the style of Mr. Micawber. - -However, I sent it. At night I repaired to Miss Mills's street, -and walked up and down, until I was stealthily fetched in by Miss -Mills's maid, and taken the area way to the back kitchen. I have -since seen reason to believe that there was nothing on earth to -prevent my going in at the front door, and being shown up into the -drawing-room, except Miss Mills's love of the romantic and -mysterious. - -In the back kitchen, I raved as became me. I went there, I -suppose, to make a fool of myself, and I am quite sure I did it. -Miss Mills had received a hasty note from Dora, telling her that -all was discovered, and saying. 'Oh pray come to me, Julia, do, -do!' But Miss Mills, mistrusting the acceptability of her presence -to the higher powers, had not yet gone; and we were all benighted -in the Desert of Sahara. - -Miss Mills had a wonderful flow of words, and liked to pour them -out. I could not help feeling, though she mingled her tears with -mine, that she had a dreadful luxury in our afflictions. She -petted them, as I may say, and made the most of them. A deep gulf, -she observed, had opened between Dora and me, and Love could only -span it with its rainbow. Love must suffer in this stern world; it -ever had been so, it ever would be so. No matter, Miss Mills -remarked. Hearts confined by cobwebs would burst at last, and then -Love was avenged. - -This was small consolation, but Miss Mills wouldn't encourage -fallacious hopes. She made me much more wretched than I was -before, and I felt (and told her with the deepest gratitude) that -she was indeed a friend. We resolved that she should go to Dora -the first thing in the morning, and find some means of assuring -her, either by looks or words, of my devotion and misery. We -parted, overwhelmed with grief; and I think Miss Mills enjoyed -herself completely. - -I confided all to my aunt when I got home; and in spite of all she -could say to me, went to bed despairing. I got up despairing, and -went out despairing. It was Saturday morning, and I went straight -to the Commons. - -I was surprised, when I came within sight of our office-door, to -see the ticket-porters standing outside talking together, and some -half-dozen stragglers gazing at the windows which were shut up. I -quickened my pace, and, passing among them, wondering at their -looks, went hurriedly in. - -The clerks were there, but nobody was doing anything. Old Tiffey, -for the first time in his life I should think, was sitting on -somebody else's stool, and had not hung up his hat. - -'This is a dreadful calamity, Mr. Copperfield,' said he, as I -entered. - -'What is?' I exclaimed. 'What's the matter?' - -'Don't you know?' cried Tiffey, and all the rest of them, coming -round me. - -'No!' said I, looking from face to face. - -'Mr. Spenlow,' said Tiffey. - -'What about him!' - -'Dead!' -I thought it was the office reeling, and not I, as one of the -clerks caught hold of me. They sat me down in a chair, untied my -neck-cloth, and brought me some water. I have no idea whether this -took any time. - -'Dead?' said I. - -'He dined in town yesterday, and drove down in the phaeton by -himself,' said Tiffey, 'having sent his own groom home by the -coach, as he sometimes did, you know -' - -'Well?' - -'The phaeton went home without him. The horses stopped at the -stable-gate. The man went out with a lantern. Nobody in the -carriage.' - -'Had they run away?' - -'They were not hot,' said Tiffey, putting on his glasses; 'no -hotter, I understand, than they would have been, going down at the -usual pace. The reins were broken, but they had been dragging on -the ground. The house was roused up directly, and three of them -went out along the road. They found him a mile off.' - -'More than a mile off, Mr. Tiffey,' interposed a junior. - -'Was it? I believe you are right,' said Tiffey, - 'more than a -mile off - not far from the church - lying partly on the roadside, -and partly on the path, upon his face. Whether he fell out in a -fit, or got out, feeling ill before the fit came on - or even -whether he was quite dead then, though there is no doubt he was -quite insensible - no one appears to know. If he breathed, -certainly he never spoke. Medical assistance was got as soon as -possible, but it was quite useless.' - -I cannot describe the state of mind into which I was thrown by this -intelligence. The shock of such an event happening so suddenly, -and happening to one with whom I had been in any respect at -variance - the appalling vacancy in the room he had occupied so -lately, where his chair and table seemed to wait for him, and his -handwriting of yesterday was like a ghost - the in- definable -impossibility of separating him from the place, and feeling, when -the door opened, as if he might come in - the lazy hush and rest -there was in the office, and the insatiable relish with which our -people talked about it, and other people came in and out all day, -and gorged themselves with the subject - this is easily -intelligible to anyone. What I cannot describe is, how, in the -innermost recesses of my own heart, I had a lurking jealousy even -of Death. How I felt as if its might would push me from my ground -in Dora's thoughts. How I was, in a grudging way I have no words -for, envious of her grief. How it made me restless to think of her -weeping to others, or being consoled by others. How I had a -grasping, avaricious wish to shut out everybody from her but -myself, and to be all in all to her, at that unseasonable time of -all times. - -In the trouble of this state of mind - not exclusively my own, I -hope, but known to others - I went down to Norwood that night; and -finding from one of the servants, when I made my inquiries at the -door, that Miss Mills was there, got my aunt to direct a letter to -her, which I wrote. I deplored the untimely death of Mr. Spenlow, -most sincerely, and shed tears in doing so. I entreated her to -tell Dora, if Dora were in a state to hear it, that he had spoken -to me with the utmost kindness and consideration; and had coupled -nothing but tenderness, not a single or reproachful word, with her -name. I know I did this selfishly, to have my name brought before -her; but I tried to believe it was an act of justice to his memory. -Perhaps I did believe it. - -My aunt received a few lines next day in reply; addressed, outside, -to her; within, to me. Dora was overcome by grief; and when her -friend had asked her should she send her love to me, had only -cried, as she was always crying, 'Oh, dear papa! oh, poor papa!' -But she had not said No, and that I made the most of. - -Mr. jorkins, who had been at Norwood since the occurrence, came to -the office a few days afterwards. He and Tiffey were closeted -together for some few moments, and then Tiffey looked out at the -door and beckoned me in. - -'Oh!' said Mr. jorkins. 'Mr. Tiffey and myself, Mr. Copperfield, -are about to examine the desks, the drawers, and other such -repositories of the deceased, with the view of sealing up his -private papers, and searching for a Will. There is no trace of -any, elsewhere. It may be as well for you to assist us, if you -please.' - -I had been in agony to obtain some knowledge of the circumstances -in which my Dora would be placed - as, in whose guardianship, and -so forth - and this was something towards it. We began the search -at once; Mr. jorkins unlocking the drawers and desks, and we all -taking out the papers. The office-papers we placed on one side, -and the private papers (which were not numerous) on the other. We -were very grave; and when we came to a stray seal, or pencil-case, -or ring, or any little article of that kind which we associated -personally with him, we spoke very low. - -We had sealed up several packets; and were still going on dustily -and quietly, when Mr. jorkins said to us, applying exactly the same -words to his late partner as his late partner had applied to him: - -'Mr. Spenlow was very difficult to move from the beaten track. You -know what he was! I am disposed to think he had made no will.' - -'Oh, I know he had!' said I. - -They both stopped and looked at me. -'On the very day when I last saw him,' said I, 'he told me that he -had, and that his affairs were long since settled.' - -Mr. jorkins and old Tiffey shook their heads with one accord. - -'That looks unpromising,' said Tiffey. - -'Very unpromising,' said Mr. jorkins. - -'Surely you don't doubt -' I began. - -'My good Mr. Copperfield!' said Tiffey, laying his hand upon my -arm, and shutting up both his eyes as he shook his head: 'if you -had been in the Commons as long as I have, you would know that -there is no subject on which men are so inconsistent, and so little -to be trusted.' - -'Why, bless my soul, he made that very remark!' I replied -persistently. - -'I should call that almost final,' observed Tiffey. 'My opinion is -- no will.' - -It appeared a wonderful thing to me, but it turned out that there -was no will. He had never so much as thought of making one, so far -as his papers afforded any evidence; for there was no kind of hint, -sketch, or memorandum, of any testamentary intention whatever. -What was scarcely less astonishing to me, was, that his affairs -were in a most disordered state. It was extremely difficult, I -heard, to make out what he owed, or what he had paid, or of what he -died possessed. It was considered likely that for years he could -have had no clear opinion on these subjects himself. By little and -little it came out, that, in the competition on all points of -appearance and gentility then running high in the Commons, he had -spent more than his professional income, which was not a very large -one, and had reduced his private means, if they ever had been great -(which was exceedingly doubtful), to a very low ebb indeed. There -was a sale of the furniture and lease, at Norwood; and Tiffey told -me, little thinking how interested I was in the story, that, paying -all the just debts of the deceased, and deducting his share of -outstanding bad and doubtful debts due to the firm, he wouldn't -give a thousand pounds for all the assets remaining. - -This was at the expiration of about six weeks. I had suffered -tortures all the time; and thought I really must have laid violent -hands upon myself, when Miss Mills still reported to me, that my -broken-hearted little Dora would say nothing, when I was mentioned, -but 'Oh, poor papa! Oh, dear papa!' Also, that she had no other -relations than two aunts, maiden sisters of Mr. Spenlow, who lived -at Putney, and who had not held any other than chance communication -with their brother for many years. Not that they had ever -quarrelled (Miss Mills informed me); but that having been, on the -occasion of Dora's christening, invited to tea, when they -considered themselves privileged to be invited to dinner, they had -expressed their opinion in writing, that it was 'better for the -happiness of all parties' that they should stay away. Since which -they had gone their road, and their brother had gone his. - -These two ladies now emerged from their retirement, and proposed to -take Dora to live at Putney. Dora, clinging to them both, and -weeping, exclaimed, 'O yes, aunts! Please take Julia Mills and me -and Jip to Putney!' So they went, very soon after the funeral. - -How I found time to haunt Putney, I am sure I don't know; but I -contrived, by some means or other, to prowl about the neighbourhood -pretty often. Miss Mills, for the more exact discharge of the -duties of friendship, kept a journal; and she used to meet me -sometimes, on the Common, and read it, or (if she had not time to -do that) lend it to me. How I treasured up the entries, of which -I subjoin a sample! - - -'Monday. My sweet D. still much depressed. Headache. Called -attention to J. as being beautifully sleek. D. fondled J. -Associations thus awakened, opened floodgates of sorrow. Rush of -grief admitted. (Are tears the dewdrops of the heart? J. M.) - -'Tuesday. D. weak and nervous. Beautiful in pallor. (Do we not -remark this in moon likewise? J. M.) D., J. M. and J. took airing -in carriage. J. looking out of window, and barking violently at -dustman, occasioned smile to overspread features of D. (Of such -slight links is chain of life composed! J. M.) - -'Wednesday. D. comparatively cheerful. Sang to her, as congenial -melody, "Evening Bells". Effect not soothing, but reverse. D. -inexpressibly affected. Found sobbing afterwards, in own room. -Quoted verses respecting self and young Gazelle. Ineffectually. -Also referred to Patience on Monument. (Qy. Why on monument? J. -M.) - -'Thursday. D. certainly improved. Better night. Slight tinge of -damask revisiting cheek. Resolved to mention name of D. C. -Introduced same, cautiously, in course of airing. D. immediately -overcome. "Oh, dear, dear Julia! Oh, I have been a naughty and -undutiful child!" Soothed and caressed. Drew ideal picture of D. -C. on verge of tomb. D. again overcome. "Oh, what shall I do, -what shall I do? Oh, take me somewhere!" Much alarmed. Fainting -of D. and glass of water from public-house. (Poetical affinity. -Chequered sign on door-post; chequered human life. Alas! J. M.) - -'Friday. Day of incident. Man appears in kitchen, with blue bag, -"for lady's boots left out to heel". Cook replies, "No such -orders." Man argues point. Cook withdraws to inquire, leaving man -alone with J. On Cook's return, man still argues point, but -ultimately goes. J. missing. D. distracted. Information sent to -police. Man to be identified by broad nose, and legs like -balustrades of bridge. Search made in every direction. No J. D. -weeping bitterly, and inconsolable. Renewed reference to young -Gazelle. Appropriate, but unavailing. Towards evening, strange -boy calls. Brought into parlour. Broad nose, but no balustrades. -Says he wants a pound, and knows a dog. Declines to explain -further, though much pressed. Pound being produced by D. takes -Cook to little house, where J. alone tied up to leg of table. Joy -of D. who dances round J. while he eats his supper. Emboldened by -this happy change, mention D. C. upstairs. D. weeps afresh, cries -piteously, "Oh, don't, don't, don't! It is so wicked to think of -anything but poor papa!" - embraces J. and sobs herself to sleep. -(Must not D. C. confine himself to the broad pinions of Time? J. -M.)' - -Miss Mills and her journal were my sole consolation at this period. -To see her, who had seen Dora but a little while before - to trace -the initial letter of Dora's name through her sympathetic pages - -to be made more and more miserable by her - were my only comforts. -I felt as if I had been living in a palace of cards, which had -tumbled down, leaving only Miss Mills and me among the ruins; I -felt as if some grim enchanter had drawn a magic circle round the -innocent goddess of my heart, which nothing indeed but those same -strong pinions, capable of carrying so many people over so much, -would enable me to enter! - - - -CHAPTER 39 -WICKFIELD AND HEEP - - -My aunt, beginning, I imagine, to be made seriously uncomfortable -by my prolonged dejection, made a pretence of being anxious that I -should go to Dover, to see that all was working well at the -cottage, which was let; and to conclude an agreement, with the same -tenant, for a longer term of occupation. Janet was drafted into -the service of Mrs. Strong, where I saw her every day. She had -been undecided, on leaving Dover, whether or no to give the -finishing touch to that renunciation of mankind in which she had -been educated, by marrying a pilot; but she decided against that -venture. Not so much for the sake of principle, I believe, as -because she happened not to like him. - -Although it required an effort to leave Miss Mills, I fell rather -willingly into my aunt's pretence, as a means of enabling me to -pass a few tranquil hours with Agnes. I consulted the good Doctor -relative to an absence of three days; and the Doctor wishing me to -take that relaxation, - he wished me to take more; but my energy -could not bear that, - I made up my mind to go. - -As to the Commons, I had no great occasion to be particular about -my duties in that quarter. To say the truth, we were getting in no -very good odour among the tip-top proctors, and were rapidly -sliding down to but a doubtful position. The business had been -indifferent under Mr. jorkins, before Mr. Spenlow's time; and -although it had been quickened by the infusion of new blood, and by -the display which Mr. Spenlow made, still it was not established on -a sufficiently strong basis to bear, without being shaken, such a -blow as the sudden loss of its active manager. It fell off very -much. Mr. jorkins, notwithstanding his reputation in the firm, was -an easy-going, incapable sort of man, whose reputation out of doors -was not calculated to back it up. I was turned over to him now, -and when I saw him take his snuff and let the business go, I -regretted my aunt's thousand pounds more than ever. - -But this was not the worst of it. There were a number of -hangers-on and outsiders about the Commons, who, without being -proctors themselves, dabbled in common-form business, and got it -done by real proctors, who lent their names in consideration of a -share in the spoil; - and there were a good many of these too. As -our house now wanted business on any terms, we joined this noble -band; and threw out lures to the hangers-on and outsiders, to bring -their business to us. Marriage licences and small probates were -what we all looked for, and what paid us best; and the competition -for these ran very high indeed. Kidnappers and inveiglers were -planted in all the avenues of entrance to the Commons, with -instructions to do their utmost to cut off all persons in mourning, -and all gentlemen with anything bashful in their appearance, and -entice them to the offices in which their respective employers were -interested; which instructions were so well observed, that I -myself, before I was known by sight, was twice hustled into the -premises of our principal opponent. The conflicting interests of -these touting gentlemen being of a nature to irritate their -feelings, personal collisions took place; and the Commons was even -scandalized by our principal inveigler (who had formerly been in -the wine trade, and afterwards in the sworn brokery line) walking -about for some days with a black eye. Any one of these scouts used -to think nothing of politely assisting an old lady in black out of -a vehicle, killing any proctor whom she inquired for, representing -his employer as the lawful successor and representative of that -proctor, and bearing the old lady off (sometimes greatly affected) -to his employer's office. Many captives were brought to me in this -way. As to marriage licences, the competition rose to such a -pitch, that a shy gentleman in want of one, had nothing to do but -submit himself to the first inveigler, or be fought for, and become -the prey of the strongest. One of our clerks, who was an outsider, -used, in the height of this contest, to sit with his hat on, that -he might be ready to rush out and swear before a surrogate any -victim who was brought in. The system of inveigling continues, I -believe, to this day. The last time I was in the Commons, a civil -able-bodied person in a white apron pounced out upon me from a -doorway, and whispering the word 'Marriage-licence' in my ear, was -with great difficulty prevented from taking me up in his arms and -lifting me into a proctor's. From this digression, let me proceed -to Dover. - -I found everything in a satisfactory state at the cottage; and was -enabled to gratify my aunt exceedingly by reporting that the tenant -inherited her feud, and waged incessant war against donkeys. -Having settled the little business I had to transact there, and -slept there one night, I walked on to Canterbury early in the -morning. It was now winter again; and the fresh, cold windy day, -and the sweeping downland, brightened up my hopes a little. - -Coming into Canterbury, I loitered through the old streets with a -sober pleasure that calmed my spirits, and eased my heart. There -were the old signs, the old names over the shops, the old people -serving in them. It appeared so long, since I had been a schoolboy -there, that I wondered the place was so little changed, until I -reflected how little I was changed myself. Strange to say, that -quiet influence which was inseparable in my mind from Agnes, seemed -to pervade even the city where she dwelt. The venerable cathedral -towers, and the old jackdaws and rooks whose airy voices made them -more retired than perfect silence would have done; the battered -gateways, one stuck full with statues, long thrown down, and -crumbled away, like the reverential pilgrims who had gazed upon -them; the still nooks, where the ivied growth of centuries crept -over gabled ends and ruined walls; the ancient houses, the pastoral -landscape of field, orchard, and garden; everywhere - on everything -- I felt the same serener air, the same calm, thoughtful, softening -spirit. - -Arrived at Mr. Wickfield's house, I found, in the little lower room -on the ground floor, where Uriah Heep had been of old accustomed to -sit, Mr. Micawber plying his pen with great assiduity. He was -dressed in a legal-looking suit of black, and loomed, burly and -large, in that small office. - -Mr. Micawber was extremely glad to see me, but a little confused -too. He would have conducted me immediately into the presence of -Uriah, but I declined. - -'I know the house of old, you recollect,' said I, 'and will find my -way upstairs. How do you like the law, Mr. Micawber?' - -'My dear Copperfield,' he replied. 'To a man possessed of the -higher imaginative powers, the objection to legal studies is the -amount of detail which they involve. Even in our professional -correspondence,' said Mr. Micawber, glancing at some letters he was -writing, 'the mind is not at liberty to soar to any exalted form of -expression. Still, it is a great pursuit. A great pursuit!' - -He then told me that he had become the tenant of Uriah Heep's old -house; and that Mrs. Micawber would be delighted to receive me, -once more, under her own roof. - -'It is humble,' said Mr. Micawber, '- to quote a favourite -expression of my friend Heep; but it may prove the stepping-stone -to more ambitious domiciliary accommodation.' - -I asked him whether he had reason, so far, to be satisfied with his -friend Heep's treatment of him? He got up to ascertain if the door -were close shut, before he replied, in a lower voice: - -'My dear Copperfield, a man who labours under the pressure of -pecuniary embarrassments, is, with the generality of people, at a -disadvantage. That disadvantage is not diminished, when that -pressure necessitates the drawing of stipendiary emoluments, before -those emoluments are strictly due and payable. All I can say is, -that my friend Heep has responded to appeals to which I need not -more particularly refer, in a manner calculated to redound equally -to the honour of his head, and of his heart.' - -'I should not have supposed him to be very free with his money -either,' I observed. - -'Pardon me!' said Mr. Micawber, with an air of constraint, 'I speak -of my friend Heep as I have experience.' - -'I am glad your experience is so favourable,' I returned. - -'You are very obliging, my dear Copperfield,' said Mr. Micawber; -and hummed a tune. - -'Do you see much of Mr. Wickfield?' I asked, to change the subject. - -'Not much,' said Mr. Micawber, slightingly. 'Mr. Wickfield is, I -dare say, a man of very excellent intentions; but he is - in short, -he is obsolete.' - -'I am afraid his partner seeks to make him so,' said I. - -'My dear Copperfield!' returned Mr. Micawber, after some uneasy -evolutions on his stool, 'allow me to offer a remark! I am here, -in a capacity of confidence. I am here, in a position of trust. -The discussion of some topics, even with Mrs. Micawber herself (so -long the partner of my various vicissitudes, and a woman of a -remarkable lucidity of intellect), is, I am led to consider, -incompatible with the functions now devolving on me. I would -therefore take the liberty of suggesting that in our friendly -intercourse - which I trust will never be disturbed! - we draw a -line. On one side of this line,' said Mr. Micawber, representing -it on the desk with the office ruler, 'is the whole range of the -human intellect, with a trifling exception; on the other, IS that -exception; that is to say, the affairs of Messrs Wickfield and -Heep, with all belonging and appertaining thereunto. I trust I -give no offence to the companion of my youth, in submitting this -proposition to his cooler judgement?' - -Though I saw an uneasy change in Mr. Micawber, which sat tightly on -him, as if his new duties were a misfit, I felt I had no right to -be offended. My telling him so, appeared to relieve him; and he -shook hands with me. - -'I am charmed, Copperfield,' said Mr. Micawber, 'let me assure you, -with Miss Wickfield. She is a very superior young lady, of very -remarkable attractions, graces, and virtues. Upon my honour,' said -Mr. Micawber, indefinitely kissing his hand and bowing with his -genteelest air, 'I do Homage to Miss Wickfield! Hem!' -'I am glad of that, at least,' said I. - -'If you had not assured us, my dear Copperfield, on the occasion of -that agreeable afternoon we had the happiness of passing with you, -that D. was your favourite letter,' said Mr. Micawber, 'I should -unquestionably have supposed that A. had been so.' - -We have all some experience of a feeling, that comes over us -occasionally, of what we are saying and doing having been said and -done before, in a remote time - of our having been surrounded, dim -ages ago, by the same faces, objects, and circumstances - of our -knowing perfectly what will be said next, as if we suddenly -remembered it! I never had this mysterious impression more -strongly in my life, than before he uttered those words. - -I took my leave of Mr. Micawber, for the time, charging him with my -best remembrances to all at home. As I left him, resuming his -stool and his pen, and rolling his head in his stock, to get it -into easier writing order, I clearly perceived that there was -something interposed between him and me, since he had come into his -new functions, which prevented our getting at each other as we used -to do, and quite altered the character of our intercourse. - -There was no one in the quaint old drawing-room, though it -presented tokens of Mrs. Heep's whereabouts. I looked into the -room still belonging to Agnes, and saw her sitting by the fire, at -a pretty old-fashioned desk she had, writing. - -My darkening the light made her look up. What a pleasure to be the -cause of that bright change in her attentive face, and the object -of that sweet regard and welcome! - -'Ah, Agnes!' said I, when we were sitting together, side by side; -'I have missed you so much, lately!' - -'Indeed?' she replied. 'Again! And so soon?' - -I shook my head. - -'I don't know how it is, Agnes; I seem to want some faculty of mind -that I ought to have. You were so much in the habit of thinking -for me, in the happy old days here, and I came so naturally to you -for counsel and support, that I really think I have missed -acquiring it.' - -'And what is it?' said Agnes, cheerfully. - -'I don't know what to call it,' I replied. 'I think I am earnest -and persevering?' - -'I am sure of it,' said Agnes. - -'And patient, Agnes?' I inquired, with a little hesitation. - -'Yes,' returned Agnes, laughing. 'Pretty well.' - -'And yet,' said I, 'I get so miserable and worried, and am so -unsteady and irresolute in my power of assuring myself, that I know -I must want - shall I call it - reliance, of some kind?' - -'Call it so, if you will,' said Agnes. - -'Well!' I returned. 'See here! You come to London, I rely on you, -and I have an object and a course at once. I am driven out of it, -I come here, and in a moment I feel an altered person. The -circumstances that distressed me are not changed, since I came into -this room; but an influence comes over me in that short interval -that alters me, oh, how much for the better! What is it? What is -your secret, Agnes?' - -Her head was bent down, looking at the fire. - -'It's the old story,' said I. 'Don't laugh, when I say it was -always the same in little things as it is in greater ones. My old -troubles were nonsense, and now they are serious; but whenever I -have gone away from my adopted sister -' - -Agnes looked up - with such a Heavenly face! - and gave me her -hand, which I kissed. - -'Whenever I have not had you, Agnes, to advise and approve in the -beginning, I have seemed to go wild, and to get into all sorts of -difficulty. When I have come to you, at last (as I have always -done), I have come to peace and happiness. I come home, now, like -a tired traveller, and find such a blessed sense of rest!' - -I felt so deeply what I said, it affected me so sincerely, that my -voice failed, and I covered my face with my hand, and broke into -tears. I write the truth. Whatever contradictions and -inconsistencies there were within me, as there are within so many -of us; whatever might have been so different, and so much better; -whatever I had done, in which I had perversely wandered away from -the voice of my own heart; I knew nothing of. I only knew that I -was fervently in earnest, when I felt the rest and peace of having -Agnes near me. - -In her placid sisterly manner; with her beaming eyes; with her -tender voice; and with that sweet composure, which had long ago -made the house that held her quite a sacred place to me; she soon -won me from this weakness, and led me on to tell all that had -happened since our last meeting. - -'And there is not another word to tell, Agnes,' said I, when I had -made an end of my confidence. 'Now, my reliance is on you.' - -'But it must not be on me, Trotwood,' returned Agnes, with a -pleasant smile. 'It must be on someone else.' - -'On Dora?' said I. - -'Assuredly.' - -'Why, I have not mentioned, Agnes,' said I, a little embarrassed, -'that Dora is rather difficult to - I would not, for the world, -say, to rely upon, because she is the soul of purity and truth - -but rather difficult to - I hardly know how to express it, really, -Agnes. She is a timid little thing, and easily disturbed and -frightened. Some time ago, before her father's death, when I -thought it right to mention to her - but I'll tell you, if you will -bear with me, how it was.' - -Accordingly, I told Agnes about my declaration of poverty, about -the cookery-book, the housekeeping accounts, and all the rest of -it. - -'Oh, Trotwood!' she remonstrated, with a smile. 'Just your old -headlong way! You might have been in earnest in striving to get on -in the world, without being so very sudden with a timid, loving, -inexperienced girl. Poor Dora!' - -I never heard such sweet forbearing kindness expressed in a voice, -as she expressed in making this reply. It was as if I had seen her -admiringly and tenderly embracing Dora, and tacitly reproving me, -by her considerate protection, for my hot haste in fluttering that -little heart. It was as if I had seen Dora, in all her fascinating -artlessness, caressing Agnes, and thanking her, and coaxingly -appealing against me, and loving me with all her childish -innocence. - -I felt so grateful to Agnes, and admired her so! I saw those two -together, in a bright perspective, such well-associated friends, -each adorning the other so much! - -'What ought I to do then, Agnes?' I inquired, after looking at the -fire a little while. 'What would it be right to do?' - -'I think,' said Agnes, 'that the honourable course to take, would -be to write to those two ladies. Don't you think that any secret -course is an unworthy one?' - -'Yes. If YOU think so,' said I. - -'I am poorly qualified to judge of such matters,' replied Agnes, -with a modest hesitation, 'but I certainly feel - in short, I feel -that your being secret and clandestine, is not being like -yourself.' - -'Like myself, in the too high opinion you have of me, Agnes, I am -afraid,' said I. - -'Like yourself, in the candour of your nature,' she returned; 'and -therefore I would write to those two ladies. I would relate, as -plainly and as openly as possible, all that has taken place; and I -would ask their permission to visit sometimes, at their house. -Considering that you are young, and striving for a place in life, -I think it would be well to say that you would readily abide by any -conditions they might impose upon you. I would entreat them not to -dismiss your request, without a reference to Dora; and to discuss -it with her when they should think the time suitable. I would not -be too vehement,' said Agnes, gently, 'or propose too much. I -would trust to my fidelity and perseverance - and to Dora.' - -'But if they were to frighten Dora again, Agnes, by speaking to -her,' said I. 'And if Dora were to cry, and say nothing about me!' - -'Is that likely?' inquired Agnes, with the same sweet consideration -in her face. - -'God bless her, she is as easily scared as a bird,' said I. 'It -might be! Or if the two Miss Spenlows (elderly ladies of that sort -are odd characters sometimes) should not be likely persons to -address in that way!' - -'I don't think, Trotwood,' returned Agnes, raising her soft eyes to -mine, 'I would consider that. Perhaps it would be better only to -consider whether it is right to do this; and, if it is, to do it.' - -I had no longer any doubt on the subject. With a lightened heart, -though with a profound sense of the weighty importance of my task, -I devoted the whole afternoon to the composition of the draft of -this letter; for which great purpose, Agnes relinquished her desk -to me. But first I went downstairs to see Mr. Wickfield and Uriah -Heep. - -I found Uriah in possession of a new, plaster-smelling office, -built out in the garden; looking extraordinarily mean, in the midst -of a quantity of books and papers. He received me in his usual -fawning way, and pretended not to have heard of my arrival from Mr. -Micawber; a pretence I took the liberty of disbelieving. He -accompanied me into Mr. Wickfield's room, which was the shadow of -its former self - having been divested of a variety of -conveniences, for the accommodation of the new partner - and stood -before the fire, warming his back, and shaving his chin with his -bony hand, while Mr. Wickfield and I exchanged greetings. - -'You stay with us, Trotwood, while you remain in Canterbury?' said -Mr. Wickfield, not without a glance at Uriah for his approval. - -'Is there room for me?' said I. - -'I am sure, Master Copperfield - I should say Mister, but the other -comes so natural,' said Uriah, -'I would turn out of your old room -with pleasure, if it would be agreeable.' - -'No, no,' said Mr. Wickfield. 'Why should you be inconvenienced? -There's another room. There's another room.' -'Oh, but you know,' returned Uriah, with a grin, 'I should really -be delighted!' - -To cut the matter short, I said I would have the other room or none -at all; so it was settled that I should have the other room; and, -taking my leave of the firm until dinner, I went upstairs again. - -I had hoped to have no other companion than Agnes. But Mrs. Heep -had asked permission to bring herself and her knitting near the -fire, in that room; on pretence of its having an aspect more -favourable for her rheumatics, as the wind then was, than the -drawing-room or dining-parlour. Though I could almost have -consigned her to the mercies of the wind on the topmost pinnacle of -the Cathedral, without remorse, I made a virtue of necessity, and -gave her a friendly salutation. - -'I'm umbly thankful to you, sir,' said Mrs. Heep, in -acknowledgement of my inquiries concerning her health, 'but I'm -only pretty well. I haven't much to boast of. If I could see my -Uriah well settled in life, I couldn't expect much more I think. -How do you think my Ury looking, sir?' - -I thought him looking as villainous as ever, and I replied that I -saw no change in him. - -'Oh, don't you think he's changed?' said Mrs. Heep. 'There I must -umbly beg leave to differ from you. Don't you see a thinness in -him?' - -'Not more than usual,' I replied. - -'Don't you though!' said Mrs. Heep. 'But you don't take notice of -him with a mother's eye!' - -His mother's eye was an evil eye to the rest of the world, I -thought as it met mine, howsoever affectionate to him; and I -believe she and her son were devoted to one another. It passed me, -and went on to Agnes. - -'Don't YOU see a wasting and a wearing in him, Miss Wickfield?' -inquired Mrs. Heep. - -'No,' said Agnes, quietly pursuing the work on which she was -engaged. 'You are too solicitous about him. He is very well.' - -Mrs. Heep, with a prodigious sniff, resumed her knitting. - -She never left off, or left us for a moment. I had arrived early -in the day, and we had still three or four hours before dinner; but -she sat there, plying her knitting-needles as monotonously as an -hour-glass might have poured out its sands. She sat on one side of -the fire; I sat at the desk in front of it; a little beyond me, on -the other side, sat Agnes. Whensoever, slowly pondering over my -letter, I lifted up my eyes, and meeting the thoughtful face of -Agnes, saw it clear, and beam encouragement upon me, with its own -angelic expression, I was conscious presently of the evil eye -passing me, and going on to her, and coming back to me again, and -dropping furtively upon the knitting. What the knitting was, I -don't know, not being learned in that art; but it looked like a -net; and as she worked away with those Chinese chopsticks of -knitting-needles, she showed in the firelight like an ill-looking -enchantress, baulked as yet by the radiant goodness opposite, but -getting ready for a cast of her net by and by. - -At dinner she maintained her watch, with the same unwinking eyes. -After dinner, her son took his turn; and when Mr. Wickfield, -himself, and I were left alone together, leered at me, and writhed -until I could hardly bear it. In the drawing-room, there was the -mother knitting and watching again. All the time that Agnes sang -and played, the mother sat at the piano. Once she asked for a -particular ballad, which she said her Ury (who was yawning in a -great chair) doted on; and at intervals she looked round at him, -and reported to Agnes that he was in raptures with the music. But -she hardly ever spoke - I question if she ever did - without making -some mention of him. It was evident to me that this was the duty -assigned to her. - -This lasted until bedtime. To have seen the mother and son, like -two great bats hanging over the whole house, and darkening it with -their ugly forms, made me so uncomfortable, that I would rather -have remained downstairs, knitting and all, than gone to bed. I -hardly got any sleep. Next day the knitting and watching began -again, and lasted all day. - -I had not an opportunity of speaking to Agnes, for ten minutes. I -could barely show her my letter. I proposed to her to walk out -with me; but Mrs. Heep repeatedly complaining that she was worse, -Agnes charitably remained within, to bear her company. Towards the -twilight I went out by myself, musing on what I ought to do, and -whether I was justified in withholding from Agnes, any longer, what -Uriah Heep had told me in London; for that began to trouble me -again, very much. - -I had not walked out far enough to be quite clear of the town, upon -the Ramsgate road, where there was a good path, when I was hailed, -through the dust, by somebody behind me. The shambling figure, and -the scanty great-coat, were not to be mistaken. I stopped, and -Uriah Heep came up. - -'Well?' said I. - -'How fast you walk!' said he. 'My legs are pretty long, but you've -given 'em quite a job.' - -'Where are you going?' said I. - -'I am going with you, Master Copperfield, if you'll allow me the -pleasure of a walk with an old acquaintance.' Saying this, with a -jerk of his body, which might have been either propitiatory or -derisive, he fell into step beside me. - -'Uriah!' said I, as civilly as I could, after a silence. - -'Master Copperfield!' said Uriah. - -'To tell you the truth (at which you will not be offended), I came -Out to walk alone, because I have had so much company.' - -He looked at me sideways, and said with his hardest grin, 'You mean -mother.' - -'Why yes, I do,' said I. - -'Ah! But you know we're so very umble,' he returned. 'And having -such a knowledge of our own umbleness, we must really take care -that we're not pushed to the wall by them as isn't umble. All -stratagems are fair in love, sir.' - -Raising his great hands until they touched his chin, he rubbed them -softly, and softly chuckled; looking as like a malevolent baboon, -I thought, as anything human could look. - -'You see,' he said, still hugging himself in that unpleasant way, -and shaking his head at me, 'you're quite a dangerous rival, Master -Copperfield. You always was, you know.' - -'Do you set a watch upon Miss Wickfield, and make her home no home, -because of me?' said I. - -'Oh! Master Copperfield! Those are very arsh words,' he replied. - -'Put my meaning into any words you like,' said I. 'You know what -it is, Uriah, as well as I do.' - -'Oh no! You must put it into words,' he said. 'Oh, really! I -couldn't myself.' - -'Do you suppose,' said I, constraining myself to be very temperate -and quiet with him, on account of Agnes, 'that I regard Miss -Wickfield otherwise than as a very dear sister?' - -'Well, Master Copperfield,' he replied, 'you perceive I am not -bound to answer that question. You may not, you know. But then, -you see, you may!' - -Anything to equal the low cunning of his visage, and of his -shadowless eyes without the ghost of an eyelash, I never saw. - -'Come then!' said I. 'For the sake of Miss Wickfield -' - -'My Agnes!' he exclaimed, with a sickly, angular contortion of -himself. 'Would you be so good as call her Agnes, Master -Copperfield!' - -'For the sake of Agnes Wickfield - Heaven bless her!' - -'Thank you for that blessing, Master Copperfield!'he interposed. - -'I will tell you what I should, under any other circumstances, as -soon have thought of telling to - Jack Ketch.' - -'To who, sir?' said Uriah, stretching out his neck, and shading his -ear with his hand. - -'To the hangman,' I returned. 'The most unlikely person I could -think of,' - though his own face had suggested the allusion quite -as a natural sequence. 'I am engaged to another young lady. I -hope that contents you.' - -'Upon your soul?' said Uriah. - -I was about indignantly to give my assertion the confirmation he -required, when he caught hold of my hand, and gave it a squeeze. - -'Oh, Master Copperfield!' he said. 'If you had only had the -condescension to return my confidence when I poured out the fulness -of my art, the night I put you so much out of the way by sleeping -before your sitting-room fire, I never should have doubted you. As -it is, I'm sure I'll take off mother directly, and only too appy. -I know you'll excuse the precautions of affection, won't you? What -a pity, Master Copperfield, that you didn't condescend to return my -confidence! I'm sure I gave you every opportunity. But you never -have condescended to me, as much as I could have wished. I know -you have never liked me, as I have liked you!' - -All this time he was squeezing my hand with his damp fishy fingers, -while I made every effort I decently could to get it away. But I -was quite unsuccessful. He drew it under the sleeve of his -mulberry-coloured great-coat, and I walked on, almost upon -compulsion, arm-in-arm with him. - -'Shall we turn?' said Uriah, by and by wheeling me face about -towards the town, on which the early moon was now shining, -silvering the distant windows. - -'Before we leave the subject, you ought to understand,' said I, -breaking a pretty long silence, 'that I believe Agnes Wickfield to -be as far above you, and as far removed from all your aspirations, -as that moon herself!' - -'Peaceful! Ain't she!' said Uriah. 'Very! Now confess, Master -Copperfield, that you haven't liked me quite as I have liked you. -All along you've thought me too umble now, I shouldn't wonder?' - -'I am not fond of professions of humility,' I returned, 'or -professions of anything else.' -'There now!' said Uriah, looking flabby and lead-coloured in the -moonlight. 'Didn't I know it! But how little you think of the -rightful umbleness of a person in my station, Master Copperfield! -Father and me was both brought up at a foundation school for boys; -and mother, she was likewise brought up at a public, sort of -charitable, establishment. They taught us all a deal of umbleness -- not much else that I know of, from morning to night. We was to -be umble to this person, and umble to that; and to pull off our -caps here, and to make bows there; and always to know our place, -and abase ourselves before our betters. And we had such a lot of -betters! Father got the monitor-medal by being umble. So did I. -Father got made a sexton by being umble. He had the character, -among the gentlefolks, of being such a well-behaved man, that they -were determined to bring him in. "Be umble, Uriah," says father to -me, "and you'll get on. It was what was always being dinned into -you and me at school; it's what goes down best. Be umble," says -father, "and you'll do!" And really it ain't done bad!' - -It was the first time it had ever occurred to me, that this -detestable cant of false humility might have originated out of the -Heep family. I had seen the harvest, but had never thought of the -seed. - -'When I was quite a young boy,' said Uriah, 'I got to know what -umbleness did, and I took to it. I ate umble pie with an appetite. -I stopped at the umble point of my learning, and says I, "Hold -hard!" When you offered to teach me Latin, I knew better. "People -like to be above you," says father, "keep yourself down." I am very -umble to the present moment, Master Copperfield, but I've got a -little power!' - -And he said all this - I knew, as I saw his face in the moonlight -- that I might understand he was resolved to recompense himself by -using his power. I had never doubted his meanness, his craft and -malice; but I fully comprehended now, for the first time, what a -base, unrelenting, and revengeful spirit, must have been engendered -by this early, and this long, suppression. - -His account of himself was so far attended with an agreeable -result, that it led to his withdrawing his hand in order that he -might have another hug of himself under the chin. Once apart from -him, I was determined to keep apart; and we walked back, side by -side, saying very little more by the way. Whether his spirits were -elevated by the communication I had made to him, or by his having -indulged in this retrospect, I don't know; but they were raised by -some influence. He talked more at dinner than was usual with him; -asked his mother (off duty, from the moment of our re-entering the -house) whether he was not growing too old for a bachelor; and once -looked at Agnes so, that I would have given all I had, for leave to -knock him down. - -When we three males were left alone after dinner, he got into a -more adventurous state. He had taken little or no wine; and I -presume it was the mere insolence of triumph that was upon him, -flushed perhaps by the temptation my presence furnished to its -exhibition. - -I had observed yesterday, that he tried to entice Mr. Wickfield to -drink; and, interpreting the look which Agnes had given me as she -went out, had limited myself to one glass, and then proposed that -we should follow her. I would have done so again today; but Uriah -was too quick for me. - -'We seldom see our present visitor, sir,' he said, addressing Mr. -Wickfield, sitting, such a contrast to him, at the end of the -table, 'and I should propose to give him welcome in another glass -or two of wine, if you have no objections. Mr. Copperfield, your -elth and appiness!' - -I was obliged to make a show of taking the hand he stretched across -to me; and then, with very different emotions, I took the hand of -the broken gentleman, his partner. - -'Come, fellow-partner,' said Uriah, 'if I may take the liberty, - -now, suppose you give us something or another appropriate to -Copperfield!' - -I pass over Mr. Wickfield's proposing my aunt, his proposing Mr. -Dick, his proposing Doctors' Commons, his proposing Uriah, his -drinking everything twice; his consciousness of his own weakness, -the ineffectual effort that he made against it; the struggle -between his shame in Uriah's deportment, and his desire to -conciliate him; the manifest exultation with which Uriah twisted -and turned, and held him up before me. It made me sick at heart to -see, and my hand recoils from writing it. - -'Come, fellow-partner!' said Uriah, at last, 'I'll give you another -one, and I umbly ask for bumpers, seeing I intend to make it the -divinest of her sex.' - -Her father had his empty glass in his hand. I saw him set it down, -look at the picture she was so like, put his hand to his forehead, -and shrink back in his elbow-chair. - -'I'm an umble individual to give you her elth,' proceeded Uriah, -'but I admire - adore her.' - -No physical pain that her father's grey head could have borne, I -think, could have been more terrible to me, than the mental -endurance I saw compressed now within both his hands. - -'Agnes,' said Uriah, either not regarding him, or not knowing what -the nature of his action was, 'Agnes Wickfield is, I am safe to -say, the divinest of her sex. May I speak out, among friends? To -be her father is a proud distinction, but to be her usband -' - -Spare me from ever again hearing such a cry, as that with which her -father rose up from the table! -'What's the matter?' said Uriah, turning of a deadly colour. 'You -are not gone mad, after all, Mr. Wickfield, I hope? If I say I've -an ambition to make your Agnes my Agnes, I have as good a right to -it as another man. I have a better right to it than any other -man!' - -I had my arms round Mr. Wickfield, imploring him by everything that -I could think of, oftenest of all by his love for Agnes, to calm -himself a little. He was mad for the moment; tearing out his hair, -beating his head, trying to force me from him, and to force himself -from me, not answering a word, not looking at or seeing anyone; -blindly striving for he knew not what, his face all staring and -distorted - a frightful spectacle. - -I conjured him, incoherently, but in the most impassioned manner, -not to abandon himself to this wildness, but to hear me. I -besought him to think of Agnes, to connect me with Agnes, to -recollect how Agnes and I had grown up together, how I honoured her -and loved her, how she was his pride and joy. I tried to bring her -idea before him in any form; I even reproached him with not having -firmness to spare her the knowledge of such a scene as this. I may -have effected something, or his wildness may have spent itself; but -by degrees he struggled less, and began to look at me - strangely -at first, then with recognition in his eyes. At length he said, 'I -know, Trotwood! My darling child and you - I know! But look at -him!' - -He pointed to Uriah, pale and glowering in a corner, evidently very -much out in his calculations, and taken by surprise. - -'Look at my torturer,' he replied. 'Before him I have step by step -abandoned name and reputation, peace and quiet, house and home.' - -'I have kept your name and reputation for you, and your peace and -quiet, and your house and home too,' said Uriah, with a sulky, -hurried, defeated air of compromise. 'Don't be foolish, Mr. -Wickfield. If I have gone a little beyond what you were prepared -for, I can go back, I suppose? There's no harm done.' - -'I looked for single motives in everyone,' said Mr. Wickfield, and -I was satisfied I had bound him to me by motives of interest. But -see what he is - oh, see what he is!' - -'You had better stop him, Copperfield, if you can,' cried Uriah, -with his long forefinger pointing towards me. 'He'll say something -presently - mind you! - he'll be sorry to have said afterwards, and -you'll be sorry to have heard!' - -'I'll say anything!' cried Mr. Wickfield, with a desperate air. -'Why should I not be in all the world's power if I am in yours?' - -'Mind! I tell you!' said Uriah, continuing to warn me. 'If you -don't stop his mouth, you're not his friend! Why shouldn't you be -in all the world's power, Mr. Wickfield? Because you have got a -daughter. You and me know what we know, don't we? Let sleeping -dogs lie - who wants to rouse 'em? I don't. Can't you see I am as -umble as I can be? I tell you, if I've gone too far, I'm sorry. -What would you have, sir?' - -'Oh, Trotwood, Trotwood!'exclaimed Mr. Wickfield, wringing his -hands. 'What I have come down to be, since I first saw you in this -house! I was on my downward way then, but the dreary, dreary road -I have traversed since! Weak indulgence has ruined me. Indulgence -in remembrance, and indulgence in forgetfulness. My natural grief -for my child's mother turned to disease; my natural love for my -child turned to disease. I have infected everything I touched. I -have brought misery on what I dearly love, I know -you know! I -thought it possible that I could truly love one creature in the -world, and not love the rest; I thought it possible that I could -truly mourn for one creature gone out of the world, and not have -some part in the grief of all who mourned. Thus the lessons of my -life have been perverted! I have preyed on my own morbid coward -heart, and it has preyed on me. Sordid in my grief, sordid in my -love, sordid in my miserable escape from the darker side of both, -oh see the ruin I am, and hate me, shun me!' - -He dropped into a chair, and weakly sobbed. The excitement into -which he had been roused was leaving him. Uriah came out of his -corner. - -'I don't know all I have done, in my fatuity,' said Mr. Wickfield, -putting out his hands, as if to deprecate my condemnation. 'He -knows best,' meaning Uriah Heep, 'for he has always been at my -elbow, whispering me. You see the millstone that he is about my -neck. You find him in my house, you find him in my business. You -heard him, but a little time ago. What need have I to say more!' - -'You haven't need to say so much, nor half so much, nor anything at -all,' observed Uriah, half defiant, and half fawning. 'You -wouldn't have took it up so, if it hadn't been for the wine. -You'll think better of it tomorrow, sir. If I have said too much, -or more than I meant, what of it? I haven't stood by it!' - -The door opened, and Agnes, gliding in, without a vestige of colour -in her face, put her arm round his neck, and steadily said, 'Papa, -you are not well. Come with me!' - -He laid his head upon her shoulder, as if he were oppressed with -heavy shame, and went out with her. Her eyes met mine for but an -instant, yet I saw how much she knew of what had passed. - -'I didn't expect he'd cut up so rough, Master Copperfield,' said -Uriah. 'But it's nothing. I'll be friends with him tomorrow. -It's for his good. I'm umbly anxious for his good.' - -I gave him no answer, and went upstairs into the quiet room where -Agnes had so often sat beside me at my books. Nobody came near me -until late at night. I took up a book, and tried to read. I heard -the clocks strike twelve, and was still reading, without knowing -what I read, when Agnes touched me. - -'You will be going early in the morning, Trotwood! Let us say -good-bye, now!' - -She had been weeping, but her face then was so calm and beautiful! - -'Heaven bless you!' she said, giving me her hand. - -'Dearest Agnes!' I returned, 'I see you ask me not to speak of -tonight - but is there nothing to be done?' - -'There is God to trust in!' she replied. - -'Can I do nothing- I, who come to you with my poor sorrows?' - -'And make mine so much lighter,' she replied. 'Dear Trotwood, no!' - -'Dear Agnes,' I said, 'it is presumptuous for me, who am so poor in -all in which you are so rich - goodness, resolution, all noble -qualities - to doubt or direct you; but you know how much I love -you, and how much I owe you. You will never sacrifice yourself to -a mistaken sense of duty, Agnes?' - -More agitated for a moment than I had ever seen her, she took her -hands from me, and moved a step back. - -'Say you have no such thought, dear Agnes! Much more than sister! -Think of the priceless gift of such a heart as yours, of such a -love as yours!' - -Oh! long, long afterwards, I saw that face rise up before me, with -its momentary look, not wondering, not accusing, not regretting. -Oh, long, long afterwards, I saw that look subside, as it did now, -into the lovely smile, with which she told me she had no fear for -herself - I need have none for her - and parted from me by the name -of Brother, and was gone! - -It was dark in the morning, when I got upon the coach at the inn -door. The day was just breaking when we were about to start, and -then, as I sat thinking of her, came struggling up the coach side, -through the mingled day and night, Uriah's head. - -'Copperfield!' said he, in a croaking whisper, as he hung by the -iron on the roof, 'I thought you'd be glad to hear before you went -off, that there are no squares broke between us. I've been into -his room already, and we've made it all smooth. Why, though I'm -umble, I'm useful to him, you know; and he understands his interest -when he isn't in liquor! What an agreeable man he is, after all, -Master Copperfield!' - -I obliged myself to say that I was glad he had made his apology. - -'Oh, to be sure!' said Uriah. 'When a person's umble, you know, -what's an apology? So easy! I say! I suppose,' with a jerk, 'you -have sometimes plucked a pear before it was ripe, Master -Copperfield?' - -'I suppose I have,' I replied. - -'I did that last night,' said Uriah; 'but it'll ripen yet! It only -wants attending to. I can wait!' - -Profuse in his farewells, he got down again as the coachman got up. -For anything I know, he was eating something to keep the raw -morning air out; but he made motions with his mouth as if the pear -were ripe already, and he were smacking his lips over it. - - - -CHAPTER 40 -THE WANDERER - - -We had a very serious conversation in Buckingham Street that night, -about the domestic occurrences I have detailed in the last chapter. -My aunt was deeply interested in them, and walked up and down the -room with her arms folded, for more than two hours afterwards. -Whenever she was particularly discomposed, she always performed one -of these pedestrian feats; and the amount of her discomposure might -always be estimated by the duration of her walk. On this occasion -she was so much disturbed in mind as to find it necessary to open -the bedroom door, and make a course for herself, comprising the -full extent of the bedrooms from wall to wall; and while Mr. Dick -and I sat quietly by the fire, she kept passing in and out, along -this measured track, at an unchanging pace, with the regularity of -a clock-pendulum. - -When my aunt and I were left to ourselves by Mr. Dick's going out -to bed, I sat down to write my letter to the two old ladies. By -that time she was tired of walking, and sat by the fire with her -dress tucked up as usual. But instead of sitting in her usual -manner, holding her glass upon her knee, she suffered it to stand -neglected on the chimney-piece; and, resting her left elbow on her -right arm, and her chin on her left hand, looked thoughtfully at -me. As often as I raised my eyes from what I was about, I met -hers. 'I am in the lovingest of tempers, my dear,' she would -assure me with a nod, 'but I am fidgeted and sorry!' - -I had been too busy to observe, until after she was gone to bed, -that she had left her night-mixture, as she always called it, -untasted on the chimney-piece. She came to her door, with even -more than her usual affection of manner, when I knocked to acquaint -her with this discovery; but only said, 'I have not the heart to -take it, Trot, tonight,' and shook her head, and went in again. - -She read my letter to the two old ladies, in the morning, and -approved of it. I posted it, and had nothing to do then, but wait, -as patiently as I could, for the reply. I was still in this state -of expectation, and had been, for nearly a week; when I left the -Doctor's one snowy night, to walk home. - -It had been a bitter day, and a cutting north-east wind had blown -for some time. The wind had gone down with the light, and so the -snow had come on. It was a heavy, settled fall, I recollect, in -great flakes; and it lay thick. The noise of wheels and tread of -people were as hushed, as if the streets had been strewn that depth -with feathers. - -My shortest way home, - and I naturally took the shortest way on -such a night - was through St. Martin's Lane. Now, the church -which gives its name to the lane, stood in a less free situation at -that time; there being no open space before it, and the lane -winding down to the Strand. As I passed the steps of the portico, -I encountered, at the corner, a woman's face. It looked in mine, -passed across the narrow lane, and disappeared. I knew it. I had -seen it somewhere. But I could not remember where. I had some -association with it, that struck upon my heart directly; but I was -thinking of anything else when it came upon me, and was confused. - -On the steps of the church, there was the stooping figure of a man, -who had put down some burden on the smooth snow, to adjust it; my -seeing the face, and my seeing him, were simultaneous. I don't -think I had stopped in my surprise; but, in any case, as I went on, -he rose, turned, and came down towards me. I stood face to face -with Mr. Peggotty! - -Then I remembered the woman. It was Martha, to whom Emily had -given the money that night in the kitchen. Martha Endell - side by -side with whom, he would not have seen his dear niece, Ham had told -me, for all the treasures wrecked in the sea. - -We shook hands heartily. At first, neither of us could speak a -word. - -'Mas'r Davy!' he said, gripping me tight, 'it do my art good to see -you, sir. Well met, well met!' - -'Well met, my dear old friend!' said I. - -'I had my thowts o' coming to make inquiration for you, sir, -tonight,' he said, 'but knowing as your aunt was living along wi' -you - fur I've been down yonder - Yarmouth way - I was afeerd it -was too late. I should have come early in the morning, sir, afore -going away.' - -'Again?' said I. - -'Yes, sir,' he replied, patiently shaking his head, 'I'm away -tomorrow.' - -'Where were you going now?' I asked. - -'Well!' he replied, shaking the snow out of his long hair, 'I was -a-going to turn in somewheers.' - -In those days there was a side-entrance to the stable-yard of the -Golden Cross, the inn so memorable to me in connexion with his -misfortune, nearly opposite to where we stood. I pointed out the -gateway, put my arm through his, and we went across. Two or three -public-rooms opened out of the stable-yard; and looking into one of -them, and finding it empty, and a good fire burning, I took him in -there. - -When I saw him in the light, I observed, not only that his hair was -long and ragged, but that his face was burnt dark by the sun. He -was greyer, the lines in his face and forehead were deeper, and he -had every appearance of having toiled and wandered through all -varieties of weather; but he looked very strong, and like a man -upheld by steadfastness of purpose, whom nothing could tire out. -He shook the snow from his hat and clothes, and brushed it away -from his face, while I was inwardly making these remarks. As he -sat down opposite to me at a table, with his back to the door by -which we had entered, he put out his rough hand again, and grasped -mine warmly. - -'I'll tell you, Mas'r Davy,' he said, - 'wheer all I've been, and -what-all we've heerd. I've been fur, and we've heerd little; but -I'll tell you!' - -I rang the bell for something hot to drink. He would have nothing -stronger than ale; and while it was being brought, and being warmed -at the fire, he sat thinking. There was a fine, massive gravity in -his face, I did not venture to disturb. - -'When she was a child,' he said, lifting up his head soon after we -were left alone, 'she used to talk to me a deal about the sea, and -about them coasts where the sea got to be dark blue, and to lay -a-shining and a-shining in the sun. I thowt, odd times, as her -father being drownded made her think on it so much. I doen't know, -you see, but maybe she believed - or hoped - he had drifted out to -them parts, where the flowers is always a-blowing, and the country -bright.' - -'It is likely to have been a childish fancy,' I replied. - -'When she was - lost,' said Mr. Peggotty, 'I know'd in my mind, as -he would take her to them countries. I know'd in my mind, as he'd -have told her wonders of 'em, and how she was to be a lady theer, -and how he got her to listen to him fust, along o' sech like. When -we see his mother, I know'd quite well as I was right. I went -across-channel to France, and landed theer, as if I'd fell down -from the sky.' - -I saw the door move, and the snow drift in. I saw it move a little -more, and a hand softly interpose to keep it open. - -'I found out an English gen'leman as was in authority,' said Mr. -Peggotty, 'and told him I was a-going to seek my niece. He got me -them papers as I wanted fur to carry me through - I doen't rightly -know how they're called - and he would have give me money, but that -I was thankful to have no need on. I thank him kind, for all he -done, I'm sure! "I've wrote afore you," he says to me, "and I -shall speak to many as will come that way, and many will know you, -fur distant from here, when you're a-travelling alone." I told him, -best as I was able, what my gratitoode was, and went away through -France.' - -'Alone, and on foot?' said I. - -'Mostly a-foot,' he rejoined; 'sometimes in carts along with people -going to market; sometimes in empty coaches. Many mile a day -a-foot, and often with some poor soldier or another, travelling to -see his friends. I couldn't talk to him,' said Mr. Peggotty, 'nor -he to me; but we was company for one another, too, along the dusty -roads.' - -I should have known that by his friendly tone. - -'When I come to any town,' he pursued, 'I found the inn, and waited -about the yard till someone turned up (someone mostly did) as -know'd English. Then I told how that I was on my way to seek my -niece, and they told me what manner of gentlefolks was in the -house, and I waited to see any as seemed like her, going in or out. -When it warn't Em'ly, I went on agen. By little and little, when -I come to a new village or that, among the poor people, I found -they know'd about me. They would set me down at their cottage -doors, and give me what-not fur to eat and drink, and show me where -to sleep; and many a woman, Mas'r Davy, as has had a daughter of -about Em'ly's age, I've found a-waiting fur me, at Our Saviour's -Cross outside the village, fur to do me sim'lar kindnesses. Some -has had daughters as was dead. And God only knows how good them -mothers was to me!' - -It was Martha at the door. I saw her haggard, listening face -distinctly. My dread was lest he should turn his head, and see her -too. - -'They would often put their children - particular their little -girls,' said Mr. Peggotty, 'upon my knee; and many a time you might -have seen me sitting at their doors, when night was coming in, -a'most as if they'd been my Darling's children. Oh, my Darling!' - -Overpowered by sudden grief, he sobbed aloud. I laid my trembling -hand upon the hand he put before his face. 'Thankee, sir,' he -said, 'doen't take no notice.' - -In a very little while he took his hand away and put it on his -breast, and went on with his story. -'They often walked with me,' he said, 'in the morning, maybe a mile -or two upon my road; and when we parted, and I said, "I'm very -thankful to you! God bless you!" they always seemed to understand, -and answered pleasant. At last I come to the sea. It warn't hard, -you may suppose, for a seafaring man like me to work his way over -to Italy. When I got theer, I wandered on as I had done afore. -The people was just as good to me, and I should have gone from town -to town, maybe the country through, but that I got news of her -being seen among them Swiss mountains yonder. One as know'd his -servant see 'em there, all three, and told me how they travelled, -and where they was. I made fur them mountains, Mas'r Davy, day and -night. Ever so fur as I went, ever so fur the mountains seemed to -shift away from me. But I come up with 'em, and I crossed 'em. -When I got nigh the place as I had been told of, I began to think -within my own self, "What shall I do when I see her?"' - -The listening face, insensible to the inclement night, still -drooped at the door, and the hands begged me - prayed me - not to -cast it forth. - -'I never doubted her,' said Mr. Peggotty. 'No! Not a bit! On'y -let her see my face - on'y let her beer my voice - on'y let my -stanning still afore her bring to her thoughts the home she had -fled away from, and the child she had been - and if she had growed -to be a royal lady, she'd have fell down at my feet! I know'd it -well! Many a time in my sleep had I heerd her cry out, "Uncle!" -and seen her fall like death afore me. Many a time in my sleep had -I raised her up, and whispered to her, "Em'ly, my dear, I am come -fur to bring forgiveness, and to take you home!"' - -He stopped and shook his head, and went on with a sigh. - -'He was nowt to me now. Em'ly was all. I bought a country dress -to put upon her; and I know'd that, once found, she would walk -beside me over them stony roads, go where I would, and never, -never, leave me more. To put that dress upon her, and to cast off -what she wore - to take her on my arm again, and wander towards -home - to stop sometimes upon the road, and heal her bruised feet -and her worse-bruised heart - was all that I thowt of now. I -doen't believe I should have done so much as look at him. But, -Mas'r Davy, it warn't to be - not yet! I was too late, and they -was gone. Wheer, I couldn't learn. Some said beer, some said -theer. I travelled beer, and I travelled theer, but I found no -Em'ly, and I travelled home.' - -'How long ago?' I asked. - -'A matter o' fower days,' said Mr. Peggotty. 'I sighted the old -boat arter dark, and the light a-shining in the winder. When I -come nigh and looked in through the glass, I see the faithful -creetur Missis Gummidge sittin' by the fire, as we had fixed upon, -alone. I called out, "Doen't be afeerd! It's Dan'l!" and I went -in. I never could have thowt the old boat would have been so -strange!' -From some pocket in his breast, he took out, with a very careful -hand a small paper bundle containing two or three letters or little -packets, which he laid upon the table. - -'This fust one come,' he said, selecting it from the rest, 'afore -I had been gone a week. A fifty pound Bank note, in a sheet of -paper, directed to me, and put underneath the door in the night. -She tried to hide her writing, but she couldn't hide it from Me!' - -He folded up the note again, with great patience and care, in -exactly the same form, and laid it on one side. - -'This come to Missis Gummidge,' he said, opening another, 'two or -three months ago.'After looking at it for some moments, he gave it -to me, and added in a low voice, 'Be so good as read it, sir.' - -I read as follows: - - -'Oh what will you feel when you see this writing, and know it comes -from my wicked hand! But try, try - not for my sake, but for -uncle's goodness, try to let your heart soften to me, only for a -little little time! Try, pray do, to relent towards a miserable -girl, and write down on a bit of paper whether he is well, and what -he said about me before you left off ever naming me among -yourselves - and whether, of a night, when it is my old time of -coming home, you ever see him look as if he thought of one he used -to love so dear. Oh, my heart is breaking when I think about it! -I am kneeling down to you, begging and praying you not to be as -hard with me as I deserve - as I well, well, know I deserve - but -to be so gentle and so good, as to write down something of him, and -to send it to me. You need not call me Little, you need not call -me by the name I have disgraced; but oh, listen to my agony, and -have mercy on me so far as to write me some word of uncle, never, -never to be seen in this world by my eyes again! - -'Dear, if your heart is hard towards me - justly hard, I know - -but, listen, if it is hard, dear, ask him I have wronged the most -- him whose wife I was to have been - before you quite decide -against my poor poor prayer! If he should be so compassionate as -to say that you might write something for me to read - I think he -would, oh, I think he would, if you would only ask him, for he -always was so brave and so forgiving - tell him then (but not -else), that when I hear the wind blowing at night, I feel as if it -was passing angrily from seeing him and uncle, and was going up to -God against me. Tell him that if I was to die tomorrow (and oh, if -I was fit, I would be so glad to die!) I would bless him and uncle -with my last words, and pray for his happy home with my last -breath!' - - -Some money was enclosed in this letter also. Five pounds. It was -untouched like the previous sum, and he refolded it in the same -way. Detailed instructions were added relative to the address of -a reply, which, although they betrayed the intervention of several -hands, and made it difficult to arrive at any very probable -conclusion in reference to her place of concealment, made it at -least not unlikely that she had written from that spot where she -was stated to have been seen. - -'What answer was sent?' I inquired of Mr. Peggotty. - -'Missis Gummidge,' he returned, 'not being a good scholar, sir, Ham -kindly drawed it out, and she made a copy on it. They told her I -was gone to seek her, and what my parting words was.' - -'Is that another letter in your hand?' said I. - -'It's money, sir,' said Mr. Peggotty, unfolding it a little way. -'Ten pound, you see. And wrote inside, "From a true friend," like -the fust. But the fust was put underneath the door, and this come -by the post, day afore yesterday. I'm a-going to seek her at the -post-mark.' - -He showed it to me. It was a town on the Upper Rhine. He had -found out, at Yarmouth, some foreign dealers who knew that country, -and they had drawn him a rude map on paper, which he could very -well understand. He laid it between us on the table; and, with his -chin resting on one hand, tracked his course upon it with the -other. - -I asked him how Ham was? He shook his head. - -'He works,' he said, 'as bold as a man can. His name's as good, in -all that part, as any man's is, anywheres in the wureld. Anyone's -hand is ready to help him, you understand, and his is ready to help -them. He's never been heerd fur to complain. But my sister's -belief is ('twixt ourselves) as it has cut him deep.' - -'Poor fellow, I can believe it!' - -'He ain't no care, Mas'r Davy,' said Mr. Peggotty in a solemn -whisper - 'kinder no care no-how for his life. When a man's wanted -for rough sarvice in rough weather, he's theer. When there's hard -duty to be done with danger in it, he steps for'ard afore all his -mates. And yet he's as gentle as any child. There ain't a child -in Yarmouth that doen't know him.' - -He gathered up the letters thoughtfully, smoothing them with his -hand; put them into their little bundle; and placed it tenderly in -his breast again. The face was gone from the door. I still saw -the snow drifting in; but nothing else was there. - -'Well!' he said, looking to his bag, 'having seen you tonight, -Mas'r Davy (and that doos me good!), I shall away betimes tomorrow -morning. You have seen what I've got heer'; putting his hand on -where the little packet lay; 'all that troubles me is, to think -that any harm might come to me, afore that money was give back. If -I was to die, and it was lost, or stole, or elseways made away -with, and it was never know'd by him but what I'd took it, I -believe the t'other wureld wouldn't hold me! I believe I must come -back!' - -He rose, and I rose too; we grasped each other by the hand again, -before going out. - -'I'd go ten thousand mile,' he said, 'I'd go till I dropped dead, -to lay that money down afore him. If I do that, and find my Em'ly, -I'm content. If I doen't find her, maybe she'll come to hear, -sometime, as her loving uncle only ended his search for her when he -ended his life; and if I know her, even that will turn her home at -last!' - -As he went out into the rigorous night, I saw the lonely figure -flit away before us. I turned him hastily on some pretence, and -held him in conversation until it was gone. - -He spoke of a traveller's house on the Dover Road, where he knew he -could find a clean, plain lodging for the night. I went with him -over Westminster Bridge, and parted from him on the Surrey shore. -Everything seemed, to my imagination, to be hushed in reverence for -him, as he resumed his solitary journey through the snow. - -I returned to the inn yard, and, impressed by my remembrance of the -face, looked awfully around for it. It was not there. The snow -had covered our late footprints; my new track was the only one to -be seen; and even that began to die away (it snowed so fast) as I -looked back over my shoulder. - - - -CHAPTER 41 -DORA'S AUNTS - - -At last, an answer came from the two old ladies. They presented -their compliments to Mr. Copperfield, and informed him that they -had given his letter their best consideration, 'with a view to the -happiness of both parties' - which I thought rather an alarming -expression, not only because of the use they had made of it in -relation to the family difference before-mentioned, but because I -had (and have all my life) observed that conventional phrases are -a sort of fireworks, easily let off, and liable to take a great -variety of shapes and colours not at all suggested by their -original form. The Misses Spenlow added that they begged to -forbear expressing, 'through the medium of correspondence', an -opinion on the subject of Mr. Copperfield's communication; but that -if Mr. Copperfield would do them the favour to call, upon a certain -day (accompanied, if he thought proper, by a confidential friend), -they would be happy to hold some conversation on the subject. - -To this favour, Mr. Copperfield immediately replied, with his -respectful compliments, that he would have the honour of waiting on -the Misses Spenlow, at the time appointed; accompanied, in -accordance with their kind permission, by his friend Mr. Thomas -Traddles of the Inner Temple. Having dispatched which missive, Mr. -Copperfield fell into a condition of strong nervous agitation; and -so remained until the day arrived. - -It was a great augmentation of my uneasiness to be bereaved, at -this eventful crisis, of the inestimable services of Miss Mills. -But Mr. Mills, who was always doing something or other to annoy me -- or I felt as if he were, which was the same thing - had brought -his conduct to a climax, by taking it into his head that he would -go to India. Why should he go to India, except to harass me? To -be sure he had nothing to do with any other part of the world, and -had a good deal to do with that part; being entirely in the India -trade, whatever that was (I had floating dreams myself concerning -golden shawls and elephants' teeth); having been at Calcutta in his -youth; and designing now to go out there again, in the capacity of -resident partner. But this was nothing to me. However, it was so -much to him that for India he was bound, and Julia with him; and -Julia went into the country to take leave of her relations; and the -house was put into a perfect suit of bills, announcing that it was -to be let or sold, and that the furniture (Mangle and all) was to -be taken at a valuation. So, here was another earthquake of which -I became the sport, before I had recovered from the shock of its -predecessor! - -I was in several minds how to dress myself on the important day; -being divided between my desire to appear to advantage, and my -apprehensions of putting on anything that might impair my severely -practical character in the eyes of the Misses Spenlow. I -endeavoured to hit a happy medium between these two extremes; my -aunt approved the result; and Mr. Dick threw one of his shoes after -Traddles and me, for luck, as we went downstairs. - -Excellent fellow as I knew Traddles to be, and warmly attached to -him as I was, I could not help wishing, on that delicate occasion, -that he had never contracted the habit of brushing his hair so very -upright. It gave him a surprised look - not to say a hearth-broomy -kind of expression - which, my apprehensions whispered, might be -fatal to us. - -I took the liberty of mentioning it to Traddles, as we were walking -to Putney; and saying that if he WOULD smooth it down a little - - -'My dear Copperfield,' said Traddles, lifting off his hat, and -rubbing his hair all kinds of ways, 'nothing would give me greater -pleasure. But it won't.' - -'Won't be smoothed down?' said I. - -'No,' said Traddles. 'Nothing will induce it. If I was to carry -a half-hundred-weight upon it, all the way to Putney, it would be -up again the moment the weight was taken off. You have no idea -what obstinate hair mine is, Copperfield. I am quite a fretful -porcupine.' - -I was a little disappointed, I must confess, but thoroughly charmed -by his good-nature too. I told him how I esteemed his good-nature; -and said that his hair must have taken all the obstinacy out of his -character, for he had none. - -'Oh!' returned Traddles, laughing. 'I assure you, it's quite an -old story, my unfortunate hair. My uncle's wife couldn't bear it. -She said it exasperated her. It stood very much in my way, too, -when I first fell in love with Sophy. Very much!' - -'Did she object to it?' - -'SHE didn't,' rejoined Traddles; 'but her eldest sister - the one -that's the Beauty - quite made game of it, I understand. In fact, -all the sisters laugh at it.' - -'Agreeable!' said I. - -'Yes,' returned Traddles with perfect innocence, 'it's a joke for -us. They pretend that Sophy has a lock of it in her desk, and is -obliged to shut it in a clasped book, to keep it down. We laugh -about it.' - -'By the by, my dear Traddles,' said I, 'your experience may suggest -something to me. When you became engaged to the young lady whom -you have just mentioned, did you make a regular proposal to her -family? Was there anything like - what we are going through today, -for instance?' I added, nervously. - -'Why,' replied Traddles, on whose attentive face a thoughtful shade -had stolen, 'it was rather a painful transaction, Copperfield, in -my case. You see, Sophy being of so much use in the family, none -of them could endure the thought of her ever being married. -Indeed, they had quite settled among themselves that she never was -to be married, and they called her the old maid. Accordingly, when -I mentioned it, with the greatest precaution, to Mrs. Crewler -' - -'The mama?' said I. - -'The mama,' said Traddles - 'Reverend Horace Crewler - when I -mentioned it with every possible precaution to Mrs. Crewler, the -effect upon her was such that she gave a scream and became -insensible. I couldn't approach the subject again, for months.' - -'You did at last?' said I. - -'Well, the Reverend Horace did,' said Traddles. 'He is an -excellent man, most exemplary in every way; and he pointed out to -her that she ought, as a Christian, to reconcile herself to the -sacrifice (especially as it was so uncertain), and to bear no -uncharitable feeling towards me. As to myself, Copperfield, I give -you my word, I felt a perfect bird of prey towards the family.' - -'The sisters took your part, I hope, Traddles?' - -'Why, I can't say they did,' he returned. 'When we had -comparatively reconciled Mrs. Crewler to it, we had to break it to -Sarah. You recollect my mentioning Sarah, as the one that has -something the matter with her spine?' - -'Perfectly!' - -'She clenched both her hands,' said Traddles, looking at me in -dismay; 'shut her eyes; turned lead-colour; became perfectly stiff; -and took nothing for two days but toast-and-water, administered -with a tea-spoon.' - -'What a very unpleasant girl, Traddles!' I remarked. - -'Oh, I beg your pardon, Copperfield!' said Traddles. 'She is a -very charming girl, but she has a great deal of feeling. In fact, -they all have. Sophy told me afterwards, that the self-reproach -she underwent while she was in attendance upon Sarah, no words -could describe. I know it must have been severe, by my own -feelings, Copperfield; which were like a criminal's. After Sarah -was restored, we still had to break it to the other eight; and it -produced various effects upon them of a most pathetic nature. The -two little ones, whom Sophy educates, have only just left off -de-testing me.' - -'At any rate, they are all reconciled to it now, I hope?' said I. - -'Ye-yes, I should say they were, on the whole, resigned to it,' -said Traddles, doubtfully. 'The fact is, we avoid mentioning the -subject; and my unsettled prospects and indifferent circumstances -are a great consolation to them. There will be a deplorable scene, -whenever we are married. It will be much more like a funeral, than -a wedding. And they'll all hate me for taking her away!' - -His honest face, as he looked at me with a serio-comic shake of his -head, impresses me more in the remembrance than it did in the -reality, for I was by this time in a state of such excessive -trepidation and wandering of mind, as to be quite unable to fix my -attention on anything. On our approaching the house where the -Misses Spenlow lived, I was at such a discount in respect of my -personal looks and presence of mind, that Traddles proposed a -gentle stimulant in the form of a glass of ale. This having been -administered at a neighbouring public-house, he conducted me, with -tottering steps, to the Misses Spenlow's door. - -I had a vague sensation of being, as it were, on view, when the -maid opened it; and of wavering, somehow, across a hall with a -weather-glass in it, into a quiet little drawing-room on the -ground-floor, commanding a neat garden. Also of sitting down here, -on a sofa, and seeing Traddles's hair start up, now his hat was -removed, like one of those obtrusive little figures made of -springs, that fly out of fictitious snuff-boxes when the lid is -taken off. Also of hearing an old-fashioned clock ticking away on -the chimney-piece, and trying to make it keep time to the jerking -of my heart, - which it wouldn't. Also of looking round the room -for any sign of Dora, and seeing none. Also of thinking that Jip -once barked in the distance, and was instantly choked by somebody. -Ultimately I found myself backing Traddles into the fireplace, and -bowing in great confusion to two dry little elderly ladies, dressed -in black, and each looking wonderfully like a preparation in chip -or tan of the late Mr. Spenlow. - -'Pray,' said one of the two little ladies, 'be seated.' - -When I had done tumbling over Traddles, and had sat upon something -which was not a cat - my first seat was - I so far recovered my -sight, as to perceive that Mr. Spenlow had evidently been the -youngest of the family; that there was a disparity of six or eight -years between the two sisters; and that the younger appeared to be -the manager of the conference, inasmuch as she had my letter in her -hand - so familiar as it looked to me, and yet so odd! - and was -referring to it through an eye-glass. They were dressed alike, but -this sister wore her dress with a more youthful air than the other; -and perhaps had a trifle more frill, or tucker, or brooch, or -bracelet, or some little thing of that kind, which made her look -more lively. They were both upright in their carriage, formal, -precise, composed, and quiet. The sister who had not my letter, -had her arms crossed on her breast, and resting on each other, like -an Idol. - -'Mr. Copperfield, I believe,' said the sister who had got my -letter, addressing herself to Traddles. - -This was a frightful beginning. Traddles had to indicate that I -was Mr. Copperfield, and I had to lay claim to myself, and they had -to divest themselves of a preconceived opinion that Traddles was -Mr. Copperfield, and altogether we were in a nice condition. To -improve it, we all distinctly heard Jip give two short barks, and -receive another choke. - -'Mr. Copperfield!' said the sister with the letter. - -I did something - bowed, I suppose - and was all attention, when -the other sister struck in. - -'My sister Lavinia,' said she 'being conversant with matters of -this nature, will state what we consider most calculated to promote -the happiness of both parties.' - -I discovered afterwards that Miss Lavinia was an authority in -affairs of the heart, by reason of there having anciently existed -a certain Mr. Pidger, who played short whist, and was supposed to -have been enamoured of her. My private opinion is, that this was -entirely a gratuitous assumption, and that Pidger was altogether -innocent of any such sentiments - to which he had never given any -sort of expression that I could ever hear of. Both Miss Lavinia -and Miss Clarissa had a superstition, however, that he would have -declared his passion, if he had not been cut short in his youth (at -about sixty) by over-drinking his constitution, and over-doing an -attempt to set it right again by swilling Bath water. They had a -lurking suspicion even, that he died of secret love; though I must -say there was a picture of him in the house with a damask nose, -which concealment did not appear to have ever preyed upon. - -'We will not,' said Miss Lavinia, 'enter on the past history of -this matter. Our poor brother Francis's death has cancelled that.' - -'We had not,' said Miss Clarissa, 'been in the habit of frequent -association with our brother Francis; but there was no decided -division or disunion between us. Francis took his road; we took -ours. We considered it conducive to the happiness of all parties -that it should be so. And it was so.' - -Each of the sisters leaned a little forward to speak, shook her -head after speaking, and became upright again when silent. Miss -Clarissa never moved her arms. She sometimes played tunes upon -them with her fingers - minuets and marches I should think - but -never moved them. - -'Our niece's position, or supposed position, is much changed by our -brother Francis's death,' said Miss Lavinia; 'and therefore we -consider our brother's opinions as regarded her position as being -changed too. We have no reason to doubt, Mr. Copperfield, that you -are a young gentleman possessed of good qualities and honourable -character; or that you have an affection - or are fully persuaded -that you have an affection - for our niece.' - -I replied, as I usually did whenever I had a chance, that nobody -had ever loved anybody else as I loved Dora. Traddles came to my -assistance with a confirmatory murmur. - -Miss Lavinia was going on to make some rejoinder, when Miss -Clarissa, who appeared to be incessantly beset by a desire to refer -to her brother Francis, struck in again: - -'If Dora's mama,' she said, 'when she married our brother Francis, -had at once said that there was not room for the family at the -dinner-table, it would have been better for the happiness of all -parties.' - -'Sister Clarissa,' said Miss Lavinia. 'Perhaps we needn't mind -that now.' - -'Sister Lavinia,' said Miss Clarissa, 'it belongs to the subject. -With your branch of the subject, on which alone you are competent -to speak, I should not think of interfering. On this branch of the -subject I have a voice and an opinion. It would have been better -for the happiness of all parties, if Dora's mama, when she married -our brother Francis, had mentioned plainly what her intentions -were. We should then have known what we had to expect. We should -have said "Pray do not invite us, at any time"; and all possibility -of misunderstanding would have been avoided.' - -When Miss Clarissa had shaken her head, Miss Lavinia resumed: again -referring to my letter through her eye-glass. They both had little -bright round twinkling eyes, by the way, which were like birds' -eyes. They were not unlike birds, altogether; having a sharp, -brisk, sudden manner, and a little short, spruce way of adjusting -themselves, like canaries. - -Miss Lavinia, as I have said, resumed: - -'You ask permission of my sister Clarissa and myself, Mr. -Copperfield, to visit here, as the accepted suitor of our niece.' - -'If our brother Francis,' said Miss Clarissa, breaking out again, -if I may call anything so calm a breaking out, 'wished to surround -himself with an atmosphere of Doctors' Commons, and of Doctors' -Commons only, what right or desire had we to object? None, I am -sure. We have ever been far from wishing to obtrude ourselves on -anyone. But why not say so? Let our brother Francis and his wife -have their society. Let my sister Lavinia and myself have our -society. We can find it for ourselves, I hope.' - -As this appeared to be addressed to Traddles and me, both Traddles -and I made some sort of reply. Traddles was inaudible. I think I -observed, myself, that it was highly creditable to all concerned. -I don't in the least know what I meant. - -'Sister Lavinia,' said Miss Clarissa, having now relieved her mind, -'you can go on, my dear.' - -Miss Lavinia proceeded: - -'Mr. Copperfield, my sister Clarissa and I have been very careful -indeed in considering this letter; and we have not considered it -without finally showing it to our niece, and discussing it with our -niece. We have no doubt that you think you like her very much.' - -'Think, ma'am,' I rapturously began, 'oh! -' - -But Miss Clarissa giving me a look (just like a sharp canary), as -requesting that I would not interrupt the oracle, I begged pardon. - -'Affection,' said Miss Lavinia, glancing at her sister for -corroboration, which she gave in the form of a little nod to every -clause, 'mature affection, homage, devotion, does not easily -express itself. Its voice is low. It is modest and retiring, it -lies in ambush, waits and waits. Such is the mature fruit. -Sometimes a life glides away, and finds it still ripening in the -shade.' - -Of course I did not understand then that this was an allusion to -her supposed experience of the stricken Pidger; but I saw, from the -gravity with which Miss Clarissa nodded her head, that great weight -was attached to these words. - -'The light - for I call them, in comparison with such sentiments, -the light - inclinations of very young people,' pursued Miss -Lavinia, 'are dust, compared to rocks. It is owing to the -difficulty of knowing whether they are likely to endure or have any -real foundation, that my sister Clarissa and myself have been very -undecided how to act, Mr. Copperfield, and Mr. -' - -'Traddles,' said my friend, finding himself looked at. - -'I beg pardon. Of the Inner Temple, I believe?' said Miss -Clarissa, again glancing at my letter. - -Traddles said 'Exactly so,' and became pretty red in the face. - -Now, although I had not received any express encouragement as yet, -I fancied that I saw in the two little sisters, and particularly in -Miss Lavinia, an intensified enjoyment of this new and fruitful -subject of domestic interest, a settling down to make the most of -it, a disposition to pet it, in which there was a good bright ray -of hope. I thought I perceived that Miss Lavinia would have -uncommon satisfaction in superintending two young lovers, like Dora -and me; and that Miss Clarissa would have hardly less satisfaction -in seeing her superintend us, and in chiming in with her own -particular department of the subject whenever that impulse was -strong upon her. This gave me courage to protest most vehemently -that I loved Dora better than I could tell, or anyone believe; that -all my friends knew how I loved her; that my aunt, Agnes, Traddles, -everyone who knew me, knew how I loved her, and how earnest my love -had made me. For the truth of this, I appealed to Traddles. And -Traddles, firing up as if he were plunging into a Parliamentary -Debate, really did come out nobly: confirming me in good round -terms, and in a plain sensible practical manner, that evidently -made a favourable impression. - -'I speak, if I may presume to say so, as one who has some little -experience of such things,' said Traddles, 'being myself engaged to -a young lady - one of ten, down in Devonshire - and seeing no -probability, at present, of our engagement coming to a -termination.' - -'You may be able to confirm what I have said, Mr. Traddles,' -observed Miss Lavinia, evidently taking a new interest in him, 'of -the affection that is modest and retiring; that waits and waits?' - -'Entirely, ma'am,' said Traddles. - -Miss Clarissa looked at Miss Lavinia, and shook her head gravely. -Miss Lavinia looked consciously at Miss Clarissa, and heaved a -little sigh. -'Sister Lavinia,' said Miss Clarissa, 'take my smelling-bottle.' - -Miss Lavinia revived herself with a few whiffs of aromatic vinegar -- Traddles and I looking on with great solicitude the while; and -then went on to say, rather faintly: - -'My sister and myself have been in great doubt, Mr. Traddles, what -course we ought to take in reference to the likings, or imaginary -likings, of such very young people as your friend Mr. Copperfield -and our niece.' - -'Our brother Francis's child,' remarked Miss Clarissa. 'If our -brother Francis's wife had found it convenient in her lifetime -(though she had an unquestionable right to act as she thought best) -to invite the family to her dinner-table, we might have known our -brother Francis's child better at the present moment. Sister -Lavinia, proceed.' - -Miss Lavinia turned my letter, so as to bring the superscription -towards herself, and referred through her eye-glass to some -orderly-looking notes she had made on that part of it. - -'It seems to us,' said she, 'prudent, Mr. Traddles, to bring these -feelings to the test of our own observation. At present we know -nothing of them, and are not in a situation to judge how much -reality there may be in them. Therefore we are inclined so far to -accede to Mr. Copperfield's proposal, as to admit his visits here.' - -'I shall never, dear ladies,' I exclaimed, relieved of an immense -load of apprehension, 'forget your kindness!' - -'But,' pursued Miss Lavinia, - 'but, we would prefer to regard -those visits, Mr. Traddles, as made, at present, to us. We must -guard ourselves from recognizing any positive engagement between -Mr. Copperfield and our niece, until we have had an opportunity -' - -'Until YOU have had an opportunity, sister Lavinia,' said Miss -Clarissa. - -'Be it so,' assented Miss Lavinia, with a sigh - 'until I have had -an opportunity of observing them.' - -'Copperfield,' said Traddles, turning to me, 'you feel, I am sure, -that nothing could be more reasonable or considerate.' - -'Nothing!' cried I. 'I am deeply sensible of it.' - -'In this position of affairs,' said Miss Lavinia, again referring -to her notes, 'and admitting his visits on this understanding only, -we must require from Mr. Copperfield a distinct assurance, on his -word of honour, that no communication of any kind shall take place -between him and our niece without our knowledge. That no project -whatever shall be entertained with regard to our niece, without -being first submitted to us -' -'To you, sister Lavinia,' Miss Clarissa interposed. - -'Be it so, Clarissa!' assented Miss Lavinia resignedly - 'to me - -and receiving our concurrence. We must make this a most express -and serious stipulation, not to be broken on any account. We -wished Mr. Copperfield to be accompanied by some confidential -friend today,' with an inclination of her head towards Traddles, -who bowed, 'in order that there might be no doubt or misconception -on this subject. If Mr. Copperfield, or if you, Mr. Traddles, feel -the least scruple, in giving this promise, I beg you to take time -to consider it.' - -I exclaimed, in a state of high ecstatic fervour, that not a -moment's consideration could be necessary. I bound myself by the -required promise, in a most impassioned manner; called upon -Traddles to witness it; and denounced myself as the most atrocious -of characters if I ever swerved from it in the least degree. - -'Stay!' said Miss Lavinia, holding up her hand; 'we resolved, -before we had the pleasure of receiving you two gentlemen, to leave -you alone for a quarter of an hour, to consider this point. You -will allow us to retire.' - -It was in vain for me to say that no consideration was necessary. -They persisted in withdrawing for the specified time. Accordingly, -these little birds hopped out with great dignity; leaving me to -receive the congratulations of Traddles, and to feel as if I were -translated to regions of exquisite happiness. Exactly at the -expiration of the quarter of an hour, they reappeared with no less -dignity than they had disappeared. They had gone rustling away as -if their little dresses were made of autumn-leaves: and they came -rustling back, in like manner. - -I then bound myself once more to the prescribed conditions. - -'Sister Clarissa,' said Miss Lavinia, 'the rest is with you.' - -Miss Clarissa, unfolding her arms for the first time, took the -notes and glanced at them. - -'We shall be happy,' said Miss Clarissa, 'to see Mr. Copperfield to -dinner, every Sunday, if it should suit his convenience. Our hour -is three.' - -I bowed. - -'In the course of the week,' said Miss Clarissa, 'we shall be happy -to see Mr. Copperfield to tea. Our hour is half-past six.' - -I bowed again. - -'Twice in the week,' said Miss Clarissa, 'but, as a rule, not -oftener.' - -I bowed again. - -'Miss Trotwood,' said Miss Clarissa, 'mentioned in Mr. -Copperfield's letter, will perhaps call upon us. When visiting is -better for the happiness of all parties, we are glad to receive -visits, and return them. When it is better for the happiness of -all parties that no visiting should take place, (as in the case of -our brother Francis, and his establishment) that is quite -different.' - -I intimated that my aunt would be proud and delighted to make their -acquaintance; though I must say I was not quite sure of their -getting on very satisfactorily together. The conditions being now -closed, I expressed my acknowledgements in the warmest manner; and, -taking the hand, first of Miss Clarissa, and then of Miss Lavinia, -pressed it, in each case, to my lips. - -Miss Lavinia then arose, and begging Mr. Traddles to excuse us for -a minute, requested me to follow her. I obeyed, all in a tremble, -and was conducted into another room. There I found my blessed -darling stopping her ears behind the door, with her dear little -face against the wall; and Jip in the plate-warmer with his head -tied up in a towel. - -Oh! How beautiful she was in her black frock, and how she sobbed -and cried at first, and wouldn't come out from behind the door! -How fond we were of one another, when she did come out at last; and -what a state of bliss I was in, when we took Jip out of the -plate-warmer, and restored him to the light, sneezing very much, -and were all three reunited! - -'My dearest Dora! Now, indeed, my own for ever!' - -'Oh, DON'T!' pleaded Dora. 'Please!' - -'Are you not my own for ever, Dora?' - -'Oh yes, of course I am!' cried Dora, 'but I am so frightened!' - -'Frightened, my own?' - -'Oh yes! I don't like him,' said Dora. 'Why don't he go?' - -'Who, my life?' - -'Your friend,' said Dora. 'It isn't any business of his. What a -stupid he must be!' - -'My love!' (There never was anything so coaxing as her childish -ways.) 'He is the best creature!' - -'Oh, but we don't want any best creatures!' pouted Dora. - -'My dear,' I argued, 'you will soon know him well, and like him of -all things. And here is my aunt coming soon; and you'll like her -of all things too, when you know her.' - -'No, please don't bring her!' said Dora, giving me a horrified -little kiss, and folding her hands. 'Don't. I know she's a -naughty, mischief-making old thing! Don't let her come here, -Doady!' which was a corruption of David. - -Remonstrance was of no use, then; so I laughed, and admired, and -was very much in love and very happy; and she showed me Jip's new -trick of standing on his hind legs in a corner - which he did for -about the space of a flash of lightning, and then fell down - and -I don't know how long I should have stayed there, oblivious of -Traddles, if Miss Lavinia had not come in to take me away. Miss -Lavinia was very fond of Dora (she told me Dora was exactly like -what she had been herself at her age - she must have altered a good -deal), and she treated Dora just as if she had been a toy. I -wanted to persuade Dora to come and see Traddles, but on my -proposing it she ran off to her own room and locked herself in; so -I went to Traddles without her, and walked away with him on air. - -'Nothing could be more satisfactory,' said Traddles; 'and they are -very agreeable old ladies, I am sure. I shouldn't be at all -surprised if you were to be married years before me, Copperfield.' - -'Does your Sophy play on any instrument, Traddles?' I inquired, in -the pride of my heart. - -'She knows enough of the piano to teach it to her little sisters,' -said Traddles. - -'Does she sing at all?' I asked. - -'Why, she sings ballads, sometimes, to freshen up the others a -little when they're out of spirits,' said Traddles. 'Nothing -scientific.' - -'She doesn't sing to the guitar?' said I. - -'Oh dear no!' said Traddles. - -'Paint at all?' - -'Not at all,' said Traddles. - -I promised Traddles that he should hear Dora sing, and see some of -her flower-painting. He said he should like it very much, and we -went home arm in arm in great good humour and delight. I -encouraged him to talk about Sophy, on the way; which he did with -a loving reliance on her that I very much admired. I compared her -in my mind with Dora, with considerable inward satisfaction; but I -candidly admitted to myself that she seemed to be an excellent kind -of girl for Traddles, too. - -Of course my aunt was immediately made acquainted with the -successful issue of the conference, and with all that had been said -and done in the course of it. She was happy to see me so happy, -and promised to call on Dora's aunts without loss of time. But she -took such a long walk up and down our rooms that night, while I was -writing to Agnes, that I began to think she meant to walk till -morning. - -My letter to Agnes was a fervent and grateful one, narrating all -the good effects that had resulted from my following her advice. -She wrote, by return of post, to me. Her letter was hopeful, -earnest, and cheerful. She was always cheerful from that time. - -I had my hands more full than ever, now. My daily journeys to -Highgate considered, Putney was a long way off; and I naturally -wanted to go there as often as I could. The proposed tea-drinkings -being quite impracticable, I compounded with Miss Lavinia for -permission to visit every Saturday afternoon, without detriment to -my privileged Sundays. So, the close of every week was a delicious -time for me; and I got through the rest of the week by looking -forward to it. - -I was wonderfully relieved to find that my aunt and Dora's aunts -rubbed on, all things considered, much more smoothly than I could -have expected. My aunt made her promised visit within a few days -of the conference; and within a few more days, Dora's aunts called -upon her, in due state and form. Similar but more friendly -exchanges took place afterwards, usually at intervals of three or -four weeks. I know that my aunt distressed Dora's aunts very much, -by utterly setting at naught the dignity of fly-conveyance, and -walking out to Putney at extraordinary times, as shortly after -breakfast or just before tea; likewise by wearing her bonnet in any -manner that happened to be comfortable to her head, without at all -deferring to the prejudices of civilization on that subject. But -Dora's aunts soon agreed to regard my aunt as an eccentric and -somewhat masculine lady, with a strong understanding; and although -my aunt occasionally ruffled the feathers of Dora's aunts, by -expressing heretical opinions on various points of ceremony, she -loved me too well not to sacrifice some of her little peculiarities -to the general harmony. - -The only member of our small society who positively refused to -adapt himself to circumstances, was Jip. He never saw my aunt -without immediately displaying every tooth in his head, retiring -under a chair, and growling incessantly: with now and then a -doleful howl, as if she really were too much for his feelings. All -kinds of treatment were tried with him, coaxing, scolding, -slapping, bringing him to Buckingham Street (where he instantly -dashed at the two cats, to the terror of all beholders); but he -never could prevail upon himself to bear my aunt's society. He -would sometimes think he had got the better of his objection, and -be amiable for a few minutes; and then would put up his snub nose, -and howl to that extent, that there was nothing for it but to blind -him and put him in the plate-warmer. At length, Dora regularly -muffled him in a towel and shut him up there, whenever my aunt was -reported at the door. - -One thing troubled me much, after we had fallen into this quiet -train. It was, that Dora seemed by one consent to be regarded like -a pretty toy or plaything. My aunt, with whom she gradually became -familiar, always called her Little Blossom; and the pleasure of -Miss Lavinia's life was to wait upon her, curl her hair, make -ornaments for her, and treat her like a pet child. What Miss -Lavinia did, her sister did as a matter of course. It was very odd -to me; but they all seemed to treat Dora, in her degree, much as -Dora treated Jip in his. - -I made up my mind to speak to Dora about this; and one day when we -were out walking (for we were licensed by Miss Lavinia, after a -while, to go out walking by ourselves), I said to her that I wished -she could get them to behave towards her differently. - -'Because you know, my darling,' I remonstrated, 'you are not a -child.' - -'There!' said Dora. 'Now you're going to be cross!' - -'Cross, my love?' - -'I am sure they're very kind to me,' said Dora, 'and I am very -happy -' - -'Well! But my dearest life!' said I, 'you might be very happy, and -yet be treated rationally.' - -Dora gave me a reproachful look - the prettiest look! - and then -began to sob, saying, if I didn't like her, why had I ever wanted -so much to be engaged to her? And why didn't I go away, now, if I -couldn't bear her? - -What could I do, but kiss away her tears, and tell her how I doted -on her, after that! - -'I am sure I am very affectionate,' said Dora; 'you oughtn't to be -cruel to me, Doady!' - -'Cruel, my precious love! As if I would - or could - be cruel to -you, for the world!' - -'Then don't find fault with me,' said Dora, making a rosebud of her -mouth; 'and I'll be good.' - -I was charmed by her presently asking me, of her own accord, to -give her that cookery-book I had once spoken of, and to show her -how to keep accounts as I had once promised I would. I brought the -volume with me on my next visit (I got it prettily bound, first, to -make it look less dry and more inviting); and as we strolled about -the Common, I showed her an old housekeeping-book of my aunt's, and -gave her a set of tablets, and a pretty little pencil-case and box -of leads, to practise housekeeping with. - -But the cookery-book made Dora's head ache, and the figures made -her cry. They wouldn't add up, she said. So she rubbed them out, -and drew little nosegays and likenesses of me and Jip, all over the -tablets. - -Then I playfully tried verbal instruction in domestic matters, as -we walked about on a Saturday afternoon. Sometimes, for example, -when we passed a butcher's shop, I would say: - -'Now suppose, my pet, that we were married, and you were going to -buy a shoulder of mutton for dinner, would you know how to buy it?' - -My pretty little Dora's face would fall, and she would make her -mouth into a bud again, as if she would very much prefer to shut -mine with a kiss. - -'Would you know how to buy it, my darling?' I would repeat, -perhaps, if I were very inflexible. - -Dora would think a little, and then reply, perhaps, with great -triumph: - -'Why, the butcher would know how to sell it, and what need I know? -Oh, you silly boy!' - -So, when I once asked Dora, with an eye to the cookery-book, what -she would do, if we were married, and I were to say I should like -a nice Irish stew, she replied that she would tell the servant to -make it; and then clapped her little hands together across my arm, -and laughed in such a charming manner that she was more delightful -than ever. - -Consequently, the principal use to which the cookery-book was -devoted, was being put down in the corner for Jip to stand upon. -But Dora was so pleased, when she had trained him to stand upon it -without offering to come off, and at the same time to hold the -pencil-case in his mouth, that I was very glad I had bought it. - -And we fell back on the guitar-case, and the flower-painting, and -the songs about never leaving off dancing, Ta ra la! and were as -happy as the week was long. I occasionally wished I could venture -to hint to Miss Lavinia, that she treated the darling of my heart -a little too much like a plaything; and I sometimes awoke, as it -were, wondering to find that I had fallen into the general fault, -and treated her like a plaything too - but not often. - - - -CHAPTER 42 -MISCHIEF - -I feel as if it were not for me to record, even though this -manuscript is intended for no eyes but mine, how hard I worked at -that tremendous short-hand, and all improvement appertaining to it, -in my sense of responsibility to Dora and her aunts. I will only -add, to what I have already written of my perseverance at this time -of my life, and of a patient and continuous energy which then began -to be matured within me, and which I know to be the strong part of -my character, if it have any strength at all, that there, on -looking back, I find the source of my success. I have been very -fortunate in worldly matters; many men have worked much harder, and -not succeeded half so well; but I never could have done what I have -done, without the habits of punctuality, order, and diligence, -without the determination to concentrate myself on one object at a -time, no matter how quickly its successor should come upon its -heels, which I then formed. Heaven knows I write this, in no -spirit of self-laudation. The man who reviews his own life, as I -do mine, in going on here, from page to page, had need to have been -a good man indeed, if he would be spared the sharp consciousness of -many talents neglected, many opportunities wasted, many erratic and -perverted feelings constantly at war within his breast, and -defeating him. I do not hold one natural gift, I dare say, that I -have not abused. My meaning simply is, that whatever I have tried -to do in life, I have tried with all my heart to do well; that -whatever I have devoted myself to, I have devoted myself to -completely; that in great aims and in small, I have always been -thoroughly in earnest. I have never believed it possible that any -natural or improved ability can claim immunity from the -companionship of the steady, plain, hard-working qualities, and -hope to gain its end. There is no such thing as such fulfilment on -this earth. Some happy talent, and some fortunate opportunity, may -form the two sides of the ladder on which some men mount, but the -rounds of that ladder must be made of stuff to stand wear and tear; -and there is no substitute for thorough-going, ardent, and sincere -earnestness. Never to put one hand to anything, on which I could -throw my whole self; and never to affect depreciation of my work, -whatever it was; I find, now, to have been my golden rules. - -How much of the practice I have just reduced to precept, I owe to -Agnes, I will not repeat here. My narrative proceeds to Agnes, -with a thankful love. - -She came on a visit of a fortnight to the Doctor's. Mr. Wickfield -was the Doctor's old friend, and the Doctor wished to talk with -him, and do him good. It had been matter of conversation with -Agnes when she was last in town, and this visit was the result. -She and her father came together. I was not much surprised to hear -from her that she had engaged to find a lodging in the -neighbourhood for Mrs. Heep, whose rheumatic complaint required -change of air, and who would be charmed to have it in such company. -Neither was I surprised when, on the very next day, Uriah, like a -dutiful son, brought his worthy mother to take possession. - -'You see, Master Copperfield,' said he, as he forced himself upon -my company for a turn in the Doctor's garden, 'where a person -loves, a person is a little jealous - leastways, anxious to keep an -eye on the beloved one.' - -'Of whom are you jealous, now?' said I. - -'Thanks to you, Master Copperfield,' he returned, 'of no one in -particular just at present - no male person, at least.' - -'Do you mean that you are jealous of a female person?' - -He gave me a sidelong glance out of his sinister red eyes, and -laughed. - -'Really, Master Copperfield,' he said, '- I should say Mister, but -I know you'll excuse the abit I've got into - you're so -insinuating, that you draw me like a corkscrew! Well, I don't mind -telling you,' putting his fish-like hand on mine, 'I'm not a lady's -man in general, sir, and I never was, with Mrs. Strong.' - -His eyes looked green now, as they watched mine with a rascally -cunning. - -'What do you mean?' said I. - -'Why, though I am a lawyer, Master Copperfield,' he replied, with -a dry grin, 'I mean, just at present, what I say.' - -'And what do you mean by your look?' I retorted, quietly. - -'By my look? Dear me, Copperfield, that's sharp practice! What do -I mean by my look?' - -'Yes,' said I. 'By your look.' - -He seemed very much amused, and laughed as heartily as it was in -his nature to laugh. After some scraping of his chin with his -hand, he went on to say, with his eyes cast downward - still -scraping, very slowly: - -'When I was but an umble clerk, she always looked down upon me. -She was for ever having my Agnes backwards and forwards at her -ouse, and she was for ever being a friend to you, Master -Copperfield; but I was too far beneath her, myself, to be noticed.' - -'Well?' said I; 'suppose you were!' - -'- And beneath him too,' pursued Uriah, very distinctly, and in a -meditative tone of voice, as he continued to scrape his chin. - -'Don't you know the Doctor better,' said I, 'than to suppose him -conscious of your existence, when you were not before him?' - -He directed his eyes at me in that sidelong glance again, and he -made his face very lantern-jawed, for the greater convenience of -scraping, as he answered: - -'Oh dear, I am not referring to the Doctor! Oh no, poor man! I -mean Mr. Maldon!' - -My heart quite died within me. All my old doubts and apprehensions -on that subject, all the Doctor's happiness and peace, all the -mingled possibilities of innocence and compromise, that I could not -unravel, I saw, in a moment, at the mercy of this fellow's -twisting. - -'He never could come into the office, without ordering and shoving -me about,' said Uriah. 'One of your fine gentlemen he was! I was -very meek and umble - and I am. But I didn't like that sort of -thing - and I don't!' - -He left off scraping his chin, and sucked in his cheeks until they -seemed to meet inside; keeping his sidelong glance upon me all the -while. - -'She is one of your lovely women, she is,' he pursued, when he had -slowly restored his face to its natural form; 'and ready to be no -friend to such as me, I know. She's just the person as would put -my Agnes up to higher sort of game. Now, I ain't one of your -lady's men, Master Copperfield; but I've had eyes in my ed, a -pretty long time back. We umble ones have got eyes, mostly -speaking - and we look out of 'em.' - -I endeavoured to appear unconscious and not disquieted, but, I saw -in his face, with poor success. - -'Now, I'm not a-going to let myself be run down, Copperfield,' he -continued, raising that part of his countenance, where his red -eyebrows would have been if he had had any, with malignant triumph, -'and I shall do what I can to put a stop to this friendship. I -don't approve of it. I don't mind acknowledging to you that I've -got rather a grudging disposition, and want to keep off all -intruders. I ain't a-going, if I know it, to run the risk of being -plotted against.' - -'You are always plotting, and delude yourself into the belief that -everybody else is doing the like, I think,' said I. - -'Perhaps so, Master Copperfield,' he replied. 'But I've got a -motive, as my fellow-partner used to say; and I go at it tooth and -nail. I mustn't be put upon, as a numble person, too much. I -can't allow people in my way. Really they must come out of the -cart, Master Copperfield!' - -'I don't understand you,' said I. - -'Don't you, though?' he returned, with one of his jerks. 'I'm -astonished at that, Master Copperfield, you being usually so quick! -I'll try to be plainer, another time. - Is that Mr. Maldon -a-norseback, ringing at the gate, sir?' - -'It looks like him,' I replied, as carelessly as I could. - -Uriah stopped short, put his hands between his great knobs of -knees, and doubled himself up with laughter. With perfectly silent -laughter. Not a sound escaped from him. I was so repelled by his -odious behaviour, particularly by this concluding instance, that I -turned away without any ceremony; and left him doubled up in the -middle of the garden, like a scarecrow in want of support. - -It was not on that evening; but, as I well remember, on the next -evening but one, which was a Sunday; that I took Agnes to see Dora. -I had arranged the visit, beforehand, with Miss Lavinia; and Agnes -was expected to tea. - -I was in a flutter of pride and anxiety; pride in my dear little -betrothed, and anxiety that Agnes should like her. All the way to -Putney, Agnes being inside the stage-coach, and I outside, I -pictured Dora to myself in every one of the pretty looks I knew so -well; now making up my mind that I should like her to look exactly -as she looked at such a time, and then doubting whether I should -not prefer her looking as she looked at such another time; and -almost worrying myself into a fever about it. - -I was troubled by no doubt of her being very pretty, in any case; -but it fell out that I had never seen her look so well. She was -not in the drawing-room when I presented Agnes to her little aunts, -but was shyly keeping out of the way. I knew where to look for -her, now; and sure enough I found her stopping her ears again, -behind the same dull old door. - -At first she wouldn't come at all; and then she pleaded for five -minutes by my watch. When at length she put her arm through mine, -to be taken to the drawing-room, her charming little face was -flushed, and had never been so pretty. But, when we went into the -room, and it turned pale, she was ten thousand times prettier yet. - -Dora was afraid of Agnes. She had told me that she knew Agnes was -'too clever'. But when she saw her looking at once so cheerful and -so earnest, and so thoughtful, and so good, she gave a faint little -cry of pleased surprise, and just put her affectionate arms round -Agnes's neck, and laid her innocent cheek against her face. - -I never was so happy. I never was so pleased as when I saw those -two sit down together, side by side. As when I saw my little -darling looking up so naturally to those cordial eyes. As when I -saw the tender, beautiful regard which Agnes cast upon her. - -Miss Lavinia and Miss Clarissa partook, in their way, of my joy. -It was the pleasantest tea-table in the world. Miss Clarissa -presided. I cut and handed the sweet seed-cake - the little -sisters had a bird-like fondness for picking up seeds and pecking -at sugar; Miss Lavinia looked on with benignant patronage, as if -our happy love were all her work; and we were perfectly contented -with ourselves and one another. - -The gentle cheerfulness of Agnes went to all their hearts. Her -quiet interest in everything that interested Dora; her manner of -making acquaintance with Jip (who responded instantly); her -pleasant way, when Dora was ashamed to come over to her usual seat -by me; her modest grace and ease, eliciting a crowd of blushing -little marks of confidence from Dora; seemed to make our circle -quite complete. - -'I am so glad,' said Dora, after tea, 'that you like me. I didn't -think you would; and I want, more than ever, to be liked, now Julia -Mills is gone.' - -I have omitted to mention it, by the by. Miss Mills had sailed, -and Dora and I had gone aboard a great East Indiaman at Gravesend -to see her; and we had had preserved ginger, and guava, and other -delicacies of that sort for lunch; and we had left Miss Mills -weeping on a camp-stool on the quarter-deck, with a large new diary -under her arm, in which the original reflections awakened by the -contemplation of Ocean were to be recorded under lock and key. - -Agnes said she was afraid I must have given her an unpromising -character; but Dora corrected that directly. - -'Oh no!' she said, shaking her curls at me; 'it was all praise. He -thinks so much of your opinion, that I was quite afraid of it.' - -'My good opinion cannot strengthen his attachment to some people -whom he knows,' said Agnes, with a smile; 'it is not worth their -having.' - -'But please let me have it,' said Dora, in her coaxing way, 'if you -can!' - -We made merry about Dora's wanting to be liked, and Dora said I was -a goose, and she didn't like me at any rate, and the short evening -flew away on gossamer-wings. The time was at hand when the coach -was to call for us. I was standing alone before the fire, when -Dora came stealing softly in, to give me that usual precious little -kiss before I went. - -'Don't you think, if I had had her for a friend a long time ago, -Doady,' said Dora, her bright eyes shining very brightly, and her -little right hand idly busying itself with one of the buttons of my -coat, 'I might have been more clever perhaps?' - -'My love!' said I, 'what nonsense!' - -'Do you think it is nonsense?' returned Dora, without looking at -me. 'Are you sure it is?' - -'Of course I am!' -'I have forgotten,' said Dora, still turning the button round and -round, 'what relation Agnes is to you, you dear bad boy.' - -'No blood-relation,' I replied; 'but we were brought up together, -like brother and sister.' - -'I wonder why you ever fell in love with me?' said Dora, beginning -on another button of my coat. - -'Perhaps because I couldn't see you, and not love you, Dora!' - -'Suppose you had never seen me at all,' said Dora, going to another -button. - -'Suppose we had never been born!' said I, gaily. - -I wondered what she was thinking about, as I glanced in admiring -silence at the little soft hand travelling up the row of buttons on -my coat, and at the clustering hair that lay against my breast, and -at the lashes of her downcast eyes, slightly rising as they -followed her idle fingers. At length her eyes were lifted up to -mine, and she stood on tiptoe to give me, more thoughtfully than -usual, that precious little kiss - once, twice, three times - and -went out of the room. - -They all came back together within five minutes afterwards, and -Dora's unusual thoughtfulness was quite gone then. She was -laughingly resolved to put Jip through the whole of his -performances, before the coach came. They took some time (not so -much on account of their variety, as Jip's reluctance), and were -still unfinished when it was heard at the door. There was a -hurried but affectionate parting between Agnes and herself; and -Dora was to write to Agnes (who was not to mind her letters being -foolish, she said), and Agnes was to write to Dora; and they had a -second parting at the coach door, and a third when Dora, in spite -of the remonstrances of Miss Lavinia, would come running out once -more to remind Agnes at the coach window about writing, and to -shake her curls at me on the box. - -The stage-coach was to put us down near Covent Garden, where we -were to take another stage-coach for Highgate. I was impatient for -the short walk in the interval, that Agnes might praise Dora to me. -Ah! what praise it was! How lovingly and fervently did it commend -the pretty creature I had won, with all her artless graces best -displayed, to my most gentle care! How thoughtfully remind me, yet -with no pretence of doing so, of the trust in which I held the -orphan child! - -Never, never, had I loved Dora so deeply and truly, as I loved her -that night. When we had again alighted, and were walking in the -starlight along the quiet road that led to the Doctor's house, I -told Agnes it was her doing. - -'When you were sitting by her,' said I, 'you seemed to be no less -her guardian angel than mine; and you seem so now, Agnes.' - -'A poor angel,' she returned, 'but faithful.' - -The clear tone of her voice, going straight to my heart, made it -natural to me to say: - -'The cheerfulness that belongs to you, Agnes (and to no one else -that ever I have seen), is so restored, I have observed today, that -I have begun to hope you are happier at home?' - -'I am happier in myself,' she said; 'I am quite cheerful and -light-hearted.' - -I glanced at the serene face looking upward, and thought it was the -stars that made it seem so noble. - -'There has been no change at home,' said Agnes, after a few -moments. - -'No fresh reference,' said I, 'to - I wouldn't distress you, Agnes, -but I cannot help asking - to what we spoke of, when we parted -last?' - -'No, none,' she answered. - -'I have thought so much about it.' - -'You must think less about it. Remember that I confide in simple -love and truth at last. Have no apprehensions for me, Trotwood,' -she added, after a moment; 'the step you dread my taking, I shall -never take.' - -Although I think I had never really feared it, in any season of -cool reflection, it was an unspeakable relief to me to have this -assurance from her own truthful lips. I told her so, earnestly. - -'And when this visit is over,' said I, - 'for we may not be alone -another time, - how long is it likely to be, my dear Agnes, before -you come to London again?' - -'Probably a long time,' she replied; 'I think it will be best - for -papa's sake - to remain at home. We are not likely to meet often, -for some time to come; but I shall be a good correspondent of -Dora's, and we shall frequently hear of one another that way.' - -We were now within the little courtyard of the Doctor's cottage. -It was growing late. There was a light in the window of Mrs. -Strong's chamber, and Agnes, pointing to it, bade me good night. - -'Do not be troubled,' she said, giving me her hand, 'by our -misfortunes and anxieties. I can be happier in nothing than in -your happiness. If you can ever give me help, rely upon it I will -ask you for it. God bless you always!' -In her beaming smile, and in these last tones of her cheerful -voice, I seemed again to see and hear my little Dora in her -company. I stood awhile, looking through the porch at the stars, -with a heart full of love and gratitude, and then walked slowly -forth. I had engaged a bed at a decent alehouse close by, and was -going out at the gate, when, happening to turn my head, I saw a -light in the Doctor's study. A half-reproachful fancy came into my -mind, that he had been working at the Dictionary without my help. -With the view of seeing if this were so, and, in any case, of -bidding him good night, if he were yet sitting among his books, I -turned back, and going softly across the hall, and gently opening -the door, looked in. - -The first person whom I saw, to my surprise, by the sober light of -the shaded lamp, was Uriah. He was standing close beside it, with -one of his skeleton hands over his mouth, and the other resting on -the Doctor's table. The Doctor sat in his study chair, covering -his face with his hands. Mr. Wickfield, sorely troubled and -distressed, was leaning forward, irresolutely touching the Doctor's -arm. - -For an instant, I supposed that the Doctor was ill. I hastily -advanced a step under that impression, when I met Uriah's eye, and -saw what was the matter. I would have withdrawn, but the Doctor -made a gesture to detain me, and I remained. - -'At any rate,' observed Uriah, with a writhe of his ungainly -person, 'we may keep the door shut. We needn't make it known to -ALL the town.' - -Saying which, he went on his toes to the door, which I had left -open, and carefully closed it. He then came back, and took up his -former position. There was an obtrusive show of compassionate zeal -in his voice and manner, more intolerable - at least to me - than -any demeanour he could have assumed. - -'I have felt it incumbent upon me, Master Copperfield,' said Uriah, -'to point out to Doctor Strong what you and me have already talked -about. You didn't exactly understand me, though?' - -I gave him a look, but no other answer; and, going to my good old -master, said a few words that I meant to be words of comfort and -encouragement. He put his hand upon my shoulder, as it had been -his custom to do when I was quite a little fellow, but did not lift -his grey head. - -'As you didn't understand me, Master Copperfield,' resumed Uriah in -the same officious manner, 'I may take the liberty of umbly -mentioning, being among friends, that I have called Doctor Strong's -attention to the goings-on of Mrs. Strong. It's much against the -grain with me, I assure you, Copperfield, to be concerned in -anything so unpleasant; but really, as it is, we're all mixing -ourselves up with what oughtn't to be. That was what my meaning -was, sir, when you didn't understand me.' -I wonder now, when I recall his leer, that I did not collar him, -and try to shake the breath out of his body. - -'I dare say I didn't make myself very clear,' he went on, 'nor you -neither. Naturally, we was both of us inclined to give such a -subject a wide berth. Hows'ever, at last I have made up my mind to -speak plain; and I have mentioned to Doctor Strong that - did you -speak, sir?' - -This was to the Doctor, who had moaned. The sound might have -touched any heart, I thought, but it had no effect upon Uriah's. - -'- mentioned to Doctor Strong,' he proceeded, 'that anyone may see -that Mr. Maldon, and the lovely and agreeable lady as is Doctor -Strong's wife, are too sweet on one another. Really the time is -come (we being at present all mixing ourselves up with what -oughtn't to be), when Doctor Strong must be told that this was full -as plain to everybody as the sun, before Mr. Maldon went to India; -that Mr. Maldon made excuses to come back, for nothing else; and -that he's always here, for nothing else. When you come in, sir, I -was just putting it to my fellow-partner,' towards whom he turned, -'to say to Doctor Strong upon his word and honour, whether he'd -ever been of this opinion long ago, or not. Come, Mr. Wickfield, -sir! Would you be so good as tell us? Yes or no, sir? Come, -partner!' - -'For God's sake, my dear Doctor,' said Mr. Wickfield again laying -his irresolute hand upon the Doctor's arm, 'don't attach too much -weight to any suspicions I may have entertained.' - -'There!' cried Uriah, shaking his head. 'What a melancholy -confirmation: ain't it? Him! Such an old friend! Bless your -soul, when I was nothing but a clerk in his office, Copperfield, -I've seen him twenty times, if I've seen him once, quite in a -taking about it - quite put out, you know (and very proper in him -as a father; I'm sure I can't blame him), to think that Miss Agnes -was mixing herself up with what oughtn't to be.' - -'My dear Strong,' said Mr. Wickfield in a tremulous voice, 'my good -friend, I needn't tell you that it has been my vice to look for -some one master motive in everybody, and to try all actions by one -narrow test. I may have fallen into such doubts as I have had, -through this mistake.' - -'You have had doubts, Wickfield,' said the Doctor, without lifting -up his head. 'You have had doubts.' - -'Speak up, fellow-partner,' urged Uriah. - -'I had, at one time, certainly,' said Mr. Wickfield. 'I - God -forgive me - I thought YOU had.' - -'No, no, no!' returned the Doctor, in a tone of most pathetic -grief. -'I thought, at one time,' said Mr. Wickfield, 'that you wished to -send Maldon abroad to effect a desirable separation.' - -'No, no, no!' returned the Doctor. 'To give Annie pleasure, by -making some provision for the companion of her childhood. Nothing -else.' - -'So I found,' said Mr. Wickfield. 'I couldn't doubt it, when you -told me so. But I thought - I implore you to remember the narrow -construction which has been my besetting sin - that, in a case -where there was so much disparity in point of years -' - -'That's the way to put it, you see, Master Copperfield!' observed -Uriah, with fawning and offensive pity. - -'- a lady of such youth, and such attractions, however real her -respect for you, might have been influenced in marrying, by worldly -considerations only. I make no allowance for innumerable feelings -and circumstances that may have all tended to good. For Heaven's -sake remember that!' - -'How kind he puts it!' said Uriah, shaking his head. - -'Always observing her from one point of view,' said Mr. Wickfield; -'but by all that is dear to you, my old friend, I entreat you to -consider what it was; I am forced to confess now, having no escape --' - -'No! There's no way out of it, Mr. Wickfield, sir,' observed -Uriah, 'when it's got to this.' - -'- that I did,' said Mr. Wickfield, glancing helplessly and -distractedly at his partner, 'that I did doubt her, and think her -wanting in her duty to you; and that I did sometimes, if I must say -all, feel averse to Agnes being in such a familiar relation towards -her, as to see what I saw, or in my diseased theory fancied that I -saw. I never mentioned this to anyone. I never meant it to be -known to anyone. And though it is terrible to you to hear,' said -Mr. Wickfield, quite subdued, 'if you knew how terrible it is for -me to tell, you would feel compassion for me!' - -The Doctor, in the perfect goodness of his nature, put out his -hand. Mr. Wickfield held it for a little while in his, with his -head bowed down. - -'I am sure,' said Uriah, writhing himself into the silence like a -Conger-eel, 'that this is a subject full of unpleasantness to -everybody. But since we have got so far, I ought to take the -liberty of mentioning that Copperfield has noticed it too.' - -I turned upon him, and asked him how he dared refer to me! - -'Oh! it's very kind of you, Copperfield,' returned Uriah, -undulating all over, 'and we all know what an amiable character -yours is; but you know that the moment I spoke to you the other -night, you knew what I meant. You know you knew what I meant, -Copperfield. Don't deny it! You deny it with the best intentions; -but don't do it, Copperfield.' - -I saw the mild eye of the good old Doctor turned upon me for a -moment, and I felt that the confession of my old misgivings and -remembrances was too plainly written in my face to be overlooked. -It was of no use raging. I could not undo that. Say what I would, -I could not unsay it. - -We were silent again, and remained so, until the Doctor rose and -walked twice or thrice across the room. Presently he returned to -where his chair stood; and, leaning on the back of it, and -occasionally putting his handkerchief to his eyes, with a simple -honesty that did him more honour, to my thinking, than any disguise -he could have effected, said: - -'I have been much to blame. I believe I have been very much to -blame. I have exposed one whom I hold in my heart, to trials and -aspersions - I call them aspersions, even to have been conceived in -anybody's inmost mind - of which she never, but for me, could have -been the object.' - -Uriah Heep gave a kind of snivel. I think to express sympathy. - -'Of which my Annie,' said the Doctor, 'never, but for me, could -have been the object. Gentlemen, I am old now, as you know; I do -not feel, tonight, that I have much to live for. But my life - my -Life - upon the truth and honour of the dear lady who has been the -subject of this conversation!' - -I do not think that the best embodiment of chivalry, the -realization of the handsomest and most romantic figure ever -imagined by painter, could have said this, with a more impressive -and affecting dignity than the plain old Doctor did. - -'But I am not prepared,' he went on, 'to deny - perhaps I may have -been, without knowing it, in some degree prepared to admit - that -I may have unwittingly ensnared that lady into an unhappy marriage. -I am a man quite unaccustomed to observe; and I cannot but believe -that the observation of several people, of different ages and -positions, all too plainly tending in one direction (and that so -natural), is better than mine.' - -I had often admired, as I have elsewhere described, his benignant -manner towards his youthful wife; but the respectful tenderness he -manifested in every reference to her on this occasion, and the -almost reverential manner in which he put away from him the -lightest doubt of her integrity, exalted him, in my eyes, beyond -description. - -'I married that lady,' said the Doctor, 'when she was extremely -young. I took her to myself when her character was scarcely -formed. So far as it was developed, it had been my happiness to -form it. I knew her father well. I knew her well. I had taught -her what I could, for the love of all her beautiful and virtuous -qualities. If I did her wrong; as I fear I did, in taking -advantage (but I never meant it) of her gratitude and her -affection; I ask pardon of that lady, in my heart!' - -He walked across the room, and came back to the same place; holding -the chair with a grasp that trembled, like his subdued voice, in -its earnestness. - -'I regarded myself as a refuge, for her, from the dangers and -vicissitudes of life. I persuaded myself that, unequal though we -were in years, she would live tranquilly and contentedly with me. -I did not shut out of my consideration the time when I should leave -her free, and still young and still beautiful, but with her -judgement more matured - no, gentlemen - upon my truth!' - -His homely figure seemed to be lightened up by his fidelity and -generosity. Every word he uttered had a force that no other grace -could have imparted to it. - -'My life with this lady has been very happy. Until tonight, I have -had uninterrupted occasion to bless the day on which I did her -great injustice.' - -His voice, more and more faltering in the utterance of these words, -stopped for a few moments; then he went on: - -'Once awakened from my dream - I have been a poor dreamer, in one -way or other, all my life - I see how natural it is that she should -have some regretful feeling towards her old companion and her -equal. That she does regard him with some innocent regret, with -some blameless thoughts of what might have been, but for me, is, I -fear, too true. Much that I have seen, but not noted, has come -back upon me with new meaning, during this last trying hour. But, -beyond this, gentlemen, the dear lady's name never must be coupled -with a word, a breath, of doubt.' - -For a little while, his eye kindled and his voice was firm; for a -little while he was again silent. Presently, he proceeded as -before: - -'It only remains for me, to bear the knowledge of the unhappiness -I have occasioned, as submissively as I can. It is she who should -reproach; not I. To save her from misconstruction, cruel -misconstruction, that even my friends have not been able to avoid, -becomes my duty. The more retired we live, the better I shall -discharge it. And when the time comes - may it come soon, if it be -His merciful pleasure! - when my death shall release her from -constraint, I shall close my eyes upon her honoured face, with -unbounded confidence and love; and leave her, with no sorrow then, -to happier and brighter days.' - -I could not see him for the tears which his earnestness and -goodness, so adorned by, and so adorning, the perfect simplicity of -his manner, brought into my eyes. He had moved to the door, when -he added: - -'Gentlemen, I have shown you my heart. I am sure you will respect -it. What we have said tonight is never to be said more. -Wickfield, give me an old friend's arm upstairs!' - -Mr. Wickfield hastened to him. Without interchanging a word they -went slowly out of the room together, Uriah looking after them. - -'Well, Master Copperfield!' said Uriah, meekly turning to me. 'The -thing hasn't took quite the turn that might have been expected, for -the old Scholar - what an excellent man! - is as blind as a -brickbat; but this family's out of the cart, I think!' - -I needed but the sound of his voice to be so madly enraged as I -never was before, and never have been since. - -'You villain,' said I, 'what do you mean by entrapping me into your -schemes? How dare you appeal to me just now, you false rascal, as -if we had been in discussion together?' - -As we stood, front to front, I saw so plainly, in the stealthy -exultation of his face, what I already so plainly knew; I mean that -he forced his confidence upon me, expressly to make me miserable, -and had set a deliberate trap for me in this very matter; that I -couldn't bear it. The whole of his lank cheek was invitingly -before me, and I struck it with my open hand with that force that -my fingers tingled as if I had burnt them. - -He caught the hand in his, and we stood in that connexion, looking -at each other. We stood so, a long time; long enough for me to see -the white marks of my fingers die out of the deep red of his cheek, -and leave it a deeper red. - -'Copperfield,' he said at length, in a breathless voice, 'have you -taken leave of your senses?' - -'I have taken leave of you,' said I, wresting my hand away. 'You -dog, I'll know no more of you.' - -'Won't you?' said he, constrained by the pain of his cheek to put -his hand there. 'Perhaps you won't be able to help it. Isn't this -ungrateful of you, now?' - -'I have shown you often enough,' said I, 'that I despise you. I -have shown you now, more plainly, that I do. Why should I dread -your doing your worst to all about you? What else do you ever do?' - -He perfectly understood this allusion to the considerations that -had hitherto restrained me in my communications with him. I rather -think that neither the blow, nor the allusion, would have escaped -me, but for the assurance I had had from Agnes that night. It is -no matter. - -There was another long pause. His eyes, as he looked at me, seemed -to take every shade of colour that could make eyes ugly. - -'Copperfield,' he said, removing his hand from his cheek, 'you have -always gone against me. I know you always used to be against me at -Mr. Wickfield's.' - -'You may think what you like,' said I, still in a towering rage. -'If it is not true, so much the worthier you.' - -'And yet I always liked you, Copperfield!' he rejoined. - -I deigned to make him no reply; and, taking up my hat, was going -out to bed, when he came between me and the door. - -'Copperfield,' he said, 'there must be two parties to a quarrel. -I won't be one.' - -'You may go to the devil!' said I. - -'Don't say that!' he replied. 'I know you'll be sorry afterwards. -How can you make yourself so inferior to me, as to show such a bad -spirit? But I forgive you.' - -'You forgive me!' I repeated disdainfully. - -'I do, and you can't help yourself,' replied Uriah. 'To think of -your going and attacking me, that have always been a friend to you! -But there can't be a quarrel without two parties, and I won't be -one. I will be a friend to you, in spite of you. So now you know -what you've got to expect.' - -The necessity of carrying on this dialogue (his part in which was -very slow; mine very quick) in a low tone, that the house might not -be disturbed at an unseasonable hour, did not improve my temper; -though my passion was cooling down. Merely telling him that I -should expect from him what I always had expected, and had never -yet been disappointed in, I opened the door upon him, as if he had -been a great walnut put there to be cracked, and went out of the -house. But he slept out of the house too, at his mother's lodging; -and before I had gone many hundred yards, came up with me. - -'You know, Copperfield,' he said, in my ear (I did not turn my -head), 'you're in quite a wrong position'; which I felt to be true, -and that made me chafe the more; 'you can't make this a brave -thing, and you can't help being forgiven. I don't intend to -mention it to mother, nor to any living soul. I'm determined to -forgive you. But I do wonder that you should lift your hand -against a person that you knew to be so umble!' - -I felt only less mean than he. He knew me better than I knew -myself. If he had retorted or openly exasperated me, it would have -been a relief and a justification; but he had put me on a slow -fire, on which I lay tormented half the night. - -In the morning, when I came out, the early church-bell was ringing, -and he was walking up and down with his mother. He addressed me as -if nothing had happened, and I could do no less than reply. I had -struck him hard enough to give him the toothache, I suppose. At -all events his face was tied up in a black silk handkerchief, -which, with his hat perched on the top of it, was far from -improving his appearance. I heard that he went to a dentist's in -London on the Monday morning, and had a tooth out. I hope it was -a double one. - -The Doctor gave out that he was not quite well; and remained alone, -for a considerable part of every day, during the remainder of the -visit. Agnes and her father had been gone a week, before we -resumed our usual work. On the day preceding its resumption, the -Doctor gave me with his own hands a folded note not sealed. It was -addressed to myself; and laid an injunction on me, in a few -affectionate words, never to refer to the subject of that evening. -I had confided it to my aunt, but to no one else. It was not a -subject I could discuss with Agnes, and Agnes certainly had not the -least suspicion of what had passed. - -Neither, I felt convinced, had Mrs. Strong then. Several weeks -elapsed before I saw the least change in her. It came on slowly, -like a cloud when there is no wind. At first, she seemed to wonder -at the gentle compassion with which the Doctor spoke to her, and at -his wish that she should have her mother with her, to relieve the -dull monotony of her life. Often, when we were at work, and she -was sitting by, I would see her pausing and looking at him with -that memorable face. Afterwards, I sometimes observed her rise, -with her eyes full of tears, and go out of the room. Gradually, an -unhappy shadow fell upon her beauty, and deepened every day. Mrs. -Markleham was a regular inmate of the cottage then; but she talked -and talked, and saw nothing. - -As this change stole on Annie, once like sunshine in the Doctor's -house, the Doctor became older in appearance, and more grave; but -the sweetness of his temper, the placid kindness of his manner, and -his benevolent solicitude for her, if they were capable of any -increase, were increased. I saw him once, early on the morning of -her birthday, when she came to sit in the window while we were at -work (which she had always done, but now began to do with a timid -and uncertain air that I thought very touching), take her forehead -between his hands, kiss it, and go hurriedly away, too much moved -to remain. I saw her stand where he had left her, like a statue; -and then bend down her head, and clasp her hands, and weep, I -cannot say how sorrowfully. - -Sometimes, after that, I fancied that she tried to speak even to -me, in intervals when we were left alone. But she never uttered a -word. The Doctor always had some new project for her participating -in amusements away from home, with her mother; and Mrs. Markleham, -who was very fond of amusements, and very easily dissatisfied with -anything else, entered into them with great good-will, and was loud -in her commendations. But Annie, in a spiritless unhappy way, only -went whither she was led, and seemed to have no care for anything. - -I did not know what to think. Neither did my aunt; who must have -walked, at various times, a hundred miles in her uncertainty. What -was strangest of all was, that the only real relief which seemed to -make its way into the secret region of this domestic unhappiness, -made its way there in the person of Mr. Dick. - -What his thoughts were on the subject, or what his observation was, -I am as unable to explain, as I dare say he would have been to -assist me in the task. But, as I have recorded in the narrative of -my school days, his veneration for the Doctor was unbounded; and -there is a subtlety of perception in real attachment, even when it -is borne towards man by one of the lower animals, which leaves the -highest intellect behind. To this mind of the heart, if I may call -it so, in Mr. Dick, some bright ray of the truth shot straight. - -He had proudly resumed his privilege, in many of his spare hours, -of walking up and down the garden with the Doctor; as he had been -accustomed to pace up and down The Doctor's Walk at Canterbury. -But matters were no sooner in this state, than he devoted all his -spare time (and got up earlier to make it more) to these -perambulations. If he had never been so happy as when the Doctor -read that marvellous performance, the Dictionary, to him; he was -now quite miserable unless the Doctor pulled it out of his pocket, -and began. When the Doctor and I were engaged, he now fell into -the custom of walking up and down with Mrs. Strong, and helping her -to trim her favourite flowers, or weed the beds. I dare say he -rarely spoke a dozen words in an hour: but his quiet interest, and -his wistful face, found immediate response in both their breasts; -each knew that the other liked him, and that he loved both; and he -became what no one else could be - a link between them. - -When I think of him, with his impenetrably wise face, walking up -and down with the Doctor, delighted to be battered by the hard -words in the Dictionary; when I think of him carrying huge -watering-pots after Annie; kneeling down, in very paws of gloves, -at patient microscopic work among the little leaves; expressing as -no philosopher could have expressed, in everything he did, a -delicate desire to be her friend; showering sympathy, trustfulness, -and affection, out of every hole in the watering-pot; when I think -of him never wandering in that better mind of his to which -unhappiness addressed itself, never bringing the unfortunate King -Charles into the garden, never wavering in his grateful service, -never diverted from his knowledge that there was something wrong, -or from his wish to set it right- I really feel almost ashamed of -having known that he was not quite in his wits, taking account of -the utmost I have done with mine. - -'Nobody but myself, Trot, knows what that man is!' my aunt would -proudly remark, when we conversed about it. 'Dick will distinguish -himself yet!' - -I must refer to one other topic before I close this chapter. While -the visit at the Doctor's was still in progress, I observed that -the postman brought two or three letters every morning for Uriah -Heep, who remained at Highgate until the rest went back, it being -a leisure time; and that these were always directed in a -business-like manner by Mr. Micawber, who now assumed a round legal -hand. I was glad to infer, from these slight premises, that Mr. -Micawber was doing well; and consequently was much surprised to -receive, about this time, the following letter from his amiable -wife. - - - - 'CANTERBURY, Monday Evening. - -'You will doubtless be surprised, my dear Mr. Copperfield, to -receive this communication. Still more so, by its contents. Still -more so, by the stipulation of implicit confidence which I beg to -impose. But my feelings as a wife and mother require relief; and -as I do not wish to consult my family (already obnoxious to the -feelings of Mr. Micawber), I know no one of whom I can better ask -advice than my friend and former lodger. - -'You may be aware, my dear Mr. Copperfield, that between myself and -Mr. Micawber (whom I will never desert), there has always been -preserved a spirit of mutual confidence. Mr. Micawber may have -occasionally given a bill without consulting me, or he may have -misled me as to the period when that obligation would become due. -This has actually happened. But, in general, Mr. Micawber has had -no secrets from the bosom of affection - I allude to his wife - and -has invariably, on our retirement to rest, recalled the events of -the day. - -'You will picture to yourself, my dear Mr. Copperfield, what the -poignancy of my feelings must be, when I inform you that Mr. -Micawber is entirely changed. He is reserved. He is secret. His -life is a mystery to the partner of his joys and sorrows - I again -allude to his wife - and if I should assure you that beyond knowing -that it is passed from morning to night at the office, I now know -less of it than I do of the man in the south, connected with whose -mouth the thoughtless children repeat an idle tale respecting cold -plum porridge, I should adopt a popular fallacy to express an -actual fact. - -'But this is not all. Mr. Micawber is morose. He is severe. He -is estranged from our eldest son and daughter, he has no pride in -his twins, he looks with an eye of coldness even on the unoffending -stranger who last became a member of our circle. The pecuniary -means of meeting our expenses, kept down to the utmost farthing, -are obtained from him with great difficulty, and even under fearful -threats that he will Settle himself (the exact expression); and he -inexorably refuses to give any explanation whatever of this -distracting policy. - -'This is hard to bear. This is heart-breaking. If you will advise -me, knowing my feeble powers such as they are, how you think it -will be best to exert them in a dilemma so unwonted, you will add -another friendly obligation to the many you have already rendered -me. With loves from the children, and a smile from the -happily-unconscious stranger, I remain, dear Mr. Copperfield, - - Your afflicted, - - 'EMMA MICAWBER.' - - -I did not feel justified in giving a wife of Mrs. Micawber's -experience any other recommendation, than that she should try to -reclaim Mr. Micawber by patience and kindness (as I knew she would -in any case); but the letter set me thinking about him very much. - - - -CHAPTER 43 -ANOTHER RETROSPECT - - -Once again, let me pause upon a memorable period of my life. Let -me stand aside, to see the phantoms of those days go by me, -accompanying the shadow of myself, in dim procession. - -Weeks, months, seasons, pass along. They seem little more than a -summer day and a winter evening. Now, the Common where I walk with -Dora is all in bloom, a field of bright gold; and now the unseen -heather lies in mounds and bunches underneath a covering of snow. -In a breath, the river that flows through our Sunday walks is -sparkling in the summer sun, is ruffled by the winter wind, or -thickened with drifting heaps of ice. Faster than ever river ran -towards the sea, it flashes, darkens, and rolls away. - -Not a thread changes, in the house of the two little bird-like -ladies. The clock ticks over the fireplace, the weather-glass -hangs in the hall. Neither clock nor weather-glass is ever right; -but we believe in both, devoutly. - -I have come legally to man's estate. I have attained the dignity -of twenty-one. But this is a sort of dignity that may be thrust -upon one. Let me think what I have achieved. - -I have tamed that savage stenographic mystery. I make a -respectable income by it. I am in high repute for my -accomplishment in all pertaining to the art, and am joined with -eleven others in reporting the debates in Parliament for a Morning -Newspaper. Night after night, I record predictions that never come -to pass, professions that are never fulfilled, explanations that -are only meant to mystify. I wallow in words. Britannia, that -unfortunate female, is always before me, like a trussed fowl: -skewered through and through with office-pens, and bound hand and -foot with red tape. I am sufficiently behind the scenes to know -the worth of political life. I am quite an Infidel about it, and -shall never be converted. - -My dear old Traddles has tried his hand at the same pursuit, but it -is not in Traddles's way. He is perfectly good-humoured respecting -his failure, and reminds me that he always did consider himself -slow. He has occasional employment on the same newspaper, in -getting up the facts of dry subjects, to be written about and -embellished by more fertile minds. He is called to the bar; and -with admirable industry and self-denial has scraped another hundred -pounds together, to fee a Conveyancer whose chambers he attends. -A great deal of very hot port wine was consumed at his call; and, -considering the figure, I should think the Inner Temple must have -made a profit by it. - -I have come out in another way. I have taken with fear and -trembling to authorship. I wrote a little something, in secret, -and sent it to a magazine, and it was published in the magazine. -Since then, I have taken heart to write a good many trifling -pieces. Now, I am regularly paid for them. Altogether, I am well -off, when I tell my income on the fingers of my left hand, I pass -the third finger and take in the fourth to the middle joint. - -We have removed, from Buckingham Street, to a pleasant little -cottage very near the one I looked at, when my enthusiasm first -came on. My aunt, however (who has sold the house at Dover, to -good advantage), is not going to remain here, but intends removing -herself to a still more tiny cottage close at hand. What does this -portend? My marriage? Yes! - -Yes! I am going to be married to Dora! Miss Lavinia and Miss -Clarissa have given their consent; and if ever canary birds were in -a flutter, they are. Miss Lavinia, self-charged with the -superintendence of my darling's wardrobe, is constantly cutting out -brown-paper cuirasses, and differing in opinion from a highly -respectable young man, with a long bundle, and a yard measure under -his arm. A dressmaker, always stabbed in the breast with a needle -and thread, boards and lodges in the house; and seems to me, -eating, drinking, or sleeping, never to take her thimble off. They -make a lay-figure of my dear. They are always sending for her to -come and try something on. We can't be happy together for five -minutes in the evening, but some intrusive female knocks at the -door, and says, 'Oh, if you please, Miss Dora, would you step -upstairs!' - -Miss Clarissa and my aunt roam all over London, to find out -articles of furniture for Dora and me to look at. It would be -better for them to buy the goods at once, without this ceremony of -inspection; for, when we go to see a kitchen fender and -meat-screen, Dora sees a Chinese house for Jip, with little bells -on the top, and prefers that. And it takes a long time to accustom -Jip to his new residence, after we have bought it; whenever he goes -in or out, he makes all the little bells ring, and is horribly -frightened. - -Peggotty comes up to make herself useful, and falls to work -immediately. Her department appears to be, to clean everything -over and over again. She rubs everything that can be rubbed, until -it shines, like her own honest forehead, with perpetual friction. -And now it is, that I begin to see her solitary brother passing -through the dark streets at night, and looking, as he goes, among -the wandering faces. I never speak to him at such an hour. I know -too well, as his grave figure passes onward, what he seeks, and -what he dreads. - -Why does Traddles look so important when he calls upon me this -afternoon in the Commons - where I still occasionally attend, for -form's sake, when I have time? The realization of my boyish -day-dreams is at hand. I am going to take out the licence. - -It is a little document to do so much; and Traddles contemplates -it, as it lies upon my desk, half in admiration, half in awe. -There are the names, in the sweet old visionary connexion, David -Copperfield and Dora Spenlow; and there, in the corner, is that -Parental Institution, the Stamp Office, which is so benignantly -interested in the various transactions of human life, looking down -upon our Union; and there is the Archbishop of Canterbury invoking -a blessing on us in print, and doing it as cheap as could possibly -be expected. - -Nevertheless, I am in a dream, a flustered, happy, hurried dream. -I can't believe that it is going to be; and yet I can't believe but -that everyone I pass in the street, must have some kind of -perception, that I am to be married the day after tomorrow. The -Surrogate knows me, when I go down to be sworn; and disposes of me -easily, as if there were a Masonic understanding between us. -Traddles is not at all wanted, but is in attendance as my general -backer. - -'I hope the next time you come here, my dear fellow,' I say to -Traddles, 'it will be on the same errand for yourself. And I hope -it will be soon.' - -'Thank you for your good wishes, my dear Copperfield,' he replies. -'I hope so too. It's a satisfaction to know that she'll wait for -me any length of time, and that she really is the dearest girl -' - -'When are you to meet her at the coach?' I ask. - -'At seven,' says Traddles, looking at his plain old silver watch - -the very watch he once took a wheel out of, at school, to make a -water-mill. 'That is about Miss Wickfield's time, is it not?' - -'A little earlier. Her time is half past eight.' -'I assure you, my dear boy,' says Traddles, 'I am almost as pleased -as if I were going to be married myself, to think that this event -is coming to such a happy termination. And really the great -friendship and consideration of personally associating Sophy with -the joyful occasion, and inviting her to be a bridesmaid in -conjunction with Miss Wickfield, demands my warmest thanks. I am -extremely sensible of it.' - -I hear him, and shake hands with him; and we talk, and walk, and -dine, and so on; but I don't believe it. Nothing is real. - -Sophy arrives at the house of Dora's aunts, in due course. She has -the most agreeable of faces, - not absolutely beautiful, but -extraordinarily pleasant, - and is one of the most genial, -unaffected, frank, engaging creatures I have ever seen. Traddles -presents her to us with great pride; and rubs his hands for ten -minutes by the clock, with every individual hair upon his head -standing on tiptoe, when I congratulate him in a corner on his -choice. - -I have brought Agnes from the Canterbury coach, and her cheerful -and beautiful face is among us for the second time. Agnes has a -great liking for Traddles, and it is capital to see them meet, and -to observe the glory of Traddles as he commends the dearest girl in -the world to her acquaintance. - -Still I don't believe it. We have a delightful evening, and are -supremely happy; but I don't believe it yet. I can't collect -myself. I can't check off my happiness as it takes place. I feel -in a misty and unsettled kind of state; as if I had got up very -early in the morning a week or two ago, and had never been to bed -since. I can't make out when yesterday was. I seem to have been -carrying the licence about, in my pocket, many months. - -Next day, too, when we all go in a flock to see the house - our -house - Dora's and mine - I am quite unable to regard myself as its -master. I seem to be there, by permission of somebody else. I -half expect the real master to come home presently, and say he is -glad to see me. Such a beautiful little house as it is, with -everything so bright and new; with the flowers on the carpets -looking as if freshly gathered, and the green leaves on the paper -as if they had just come out; with the spotless muslin curtains, -and the blushing rose-coloured furniture, and Dora's garden hat -with the blue ribbon - do I remember, now, how I loved her in such -another hat when I first knew her! - already hanging on its little -peg; the guitar-case quite at home on its heels in a corner; and -everybody tumbling over Jip's pagoda, which is much too big for the -establishment. Another happy evening, quite as unreal as all the -rest of it, and I steal into the usual room before going away. -Dora is not there. I suppose they have not done trying on yet. -Miss Lavinia peeps in, and tells me mysteriously that she will not -be long. She is rather long, notwithstanding; but by and by I hear -a rustling at the door, and someone taps. - -I say, 'Come in!' but someone taps again. - -I go to the door, wondering who it is; there, I meet a pair of -bright eyes, and a blushing face; they are Dora's eyes and face, -and Miss Lavinia has dressed her in tomorrow's dress, bonnet and -all, for me to see. I take my little wife to my heart; and Miss -Lavinia gives a little scream because I tumble the bonnet, and Dora -laughs and cries at once, because I am so pleased; and I believe it -less than ever. - -'Do you think it pretty, Doady?' says Dora. - -Pretty! I should rather think I did. - -'And are you sure you like me very much?' says Dora. - -The topic is fraught with such danger to the bonnet, that Miss -Lavinia gives another little scream, and begs me to understand that -Dora is only to be looked at, and on no account to be touched. So -Dora stands in a delightful state of confusion for a minute or two, -to be admired; and then takes off her bonnet - looking so natural -without it! - and runs away with it in her hand; and comes dancing -down again in her own familiar dress, and asks Jip if I have got a -beautiful little wife, and whether he'll forgive her for being -married, and kneels down to make him stand upon the cookery-book, -for the last time in her single life. - -I go home, more incredulous than ever, to a lodging that I have -hard by; and get up very early in the morning, to ride to the -Highgate road and fetch my aunt. - -I have never seen my aunt in such state. She is dressed in -lavender-coloured silk, and has a white bonnet on, and is amazing. -Janet has dressed her, and is there to look at me. Peggotty is -ready to go to church, intending to behold the ceremony from the -gallery. Mr. Dick, who is to give my darling to me at the altar, -has had his hair curled. Traddles, whom I have taken up by -appointment at the turnpike, presents a dazzling combination of -cream colour and light blue; and both he and Mr. Dick have a -general effect about them of being all gloves. - -No doubt I see this, because I know it is so; but I am astray, and -seem to see nothing. Nor do I believe anything whatever. Still, -as we drive along in an open carriage, this fairy marriage is real -enough to fill me with a sort of wondering pity for the unfortunate -people who have no part in it, but are sweeping out the shops, and -going to their daily occupations. - -My aunt sits with my hand in hers all the way. When we stop a -little way short of the church, to put down Peggotty, whom we have -brought on the box, she gives it a squeeze, and me a kiss. - -'God bless you, Trot! My own boy never could be dearer. I think -of poor dear Baby this morning.' -'So do I. And of all I owe to you, dear aunt.' - -'Tut, child!' says my aunt; and gives her hand in overflowing -cordiality to Traddles, who then gives his to Mr. Dick, who then -gives his to me, who then gives mine to Traddles, and then we come -to the church door. - -The church is calm enough, I am sure; but it might be a steam-power -loom in full action, for any sedative effect it has on me. I am -too far gone for that. - -The rest is all a more or less incoherent dream. - -A dream of their coming in with Dora; of the pew-opener arranging -us, like a drill-sergeant, before the altar rails; of my wondering, -even then, why pew-openers must always be the most disagreeable -females procurable, and whether there is any religious dread of a -disastrous infection of good-humour which renders it indispensable -to set those vessels of vinegar upon the road to Heaven. - -Of the clergyman and clerk appearing; of a few boatmen and some -other people strolling in; of an ancient mariner behind me, -strongly flavouring the church with rum; of the service beginning -in a deep voice, and our all being very attentive. - -Of Miss Lavinia, who acts as a semi-auxiliary bridesmaid, being the -first to cry, and of her doing homage (as I take it) to the memory -of Pidger, in sobs; of Miss Clarissa applying a smelling-bottle; of -Agnes taking care of Dora; of my aunt endeavouring to represent -herself as a model of sternness, with tears rolling down her face; -of little Dora trembling very much, and making her responses in -faint whispers. - -Of our kneeling down together, side by side; of Dora's trembling -less and less, but always clasping Agnes by the hand; of the -service being got through, quietly and gravely; of our all looking -at each other in an April state of smiles and tears, when it is -over; of my young wife being hysterical in the vestry, and crying -for her poor papa, her dear papa. - -Of her soon cheering up again, and our signing the register all -round. Of my going into the gallery for Peggotty to bring her to -sign it; of Peggotty's hugging me in a corner, and telling me she -saw my own dear mother married; of its being over, and our going -away. - -Of my walking so proudly and lovingly down the aisle with my sweet -wife upon my arm, through a mist of half-seen people, pulpits, -monuments, pews, fonts, organs, and church windows, in which there -flutter faint airs of association with my childish church at home, -so long ago. - -Of their whispering, as we pass, what a youthful couple we are, and -what a pretty little wife she is. Of our all being so merry and -talkative in the carriage going back. Of Sophy telling us that -when she saw Traddles (whom I had entrusted with the licence) asked -for it, she almost fainted, having been convinced that he would -contrive to lose it, or to have his pocket picked. Of Agnes -laughing gaily; and of Dora being so fond of Agnes that she will -not be separated from her, but still keeps her hand. - -Of there being a breakfast, with abundance of things, pretty and -substantial, to eat and drink, whereof I partake, as I should do in -any other dream, without the least perception of their flavour; -eating and drinking, as I may say, nothing but love and marriage, -and no more believing in the viands than in anything else. - -Of my making a speech in the same dreamy fashion, without having an -idea of what I want to say, beyond such as may be comprehended in -the full conviction that I haven't said it. Of our being very -sociably and simply happy (always in a dream though); and of Jip's -having wedding cake, and its not agreeing with him afterwards. - -Of the pair of hired post-horses being ready, and of Dora's going -away to change her dress. Of my aunt and Miss Clarissa remaining -with us; and our walking in the garden; and my aunt, who has made -quite a speech at breakfast touching Dora's aunts, being mightily -amused with herself, but a little proud of it too. - -Of Dora's being ready, and of Miss Lavinia's hovering about her, -loth to lose the pretty toy that has given her so much pleasant -occupation. Of Dora's making a long series of surprised -discoveries that she has forgotten all sorts of little things; and -of everybody's running everywhere to fetch them. - -Of their all closing about Dora, when at last she begins to say -good-bye, looking, with their bright colours and ribbons, like a -bed of flowers. Of my darling being almost smothered among the -flowers, and coming out, laughing and crying both together, to my -jealous arms. - -Of my wanting to carry Jip (who is to go along with us), and Dora's -saying no, that she must carry him, or else he'll think she don't -like him any more, now she is married, and will break his heart. -Of our going, arm in arm, and Dora stopping and looking back, and -saying, 'If I have ever been cross or ungrateful to anybody, don't -remember it!' and bursting into tears. - -Of her waving her little hand, and our going away once more. Of -her once more stopping, and looking back, and hurrying to Agnes, -and giving Agnes, above all the others, her last kisses and -farewells. - -We drive away together, and I awake from the dream. I believe it -at last. It is my dear, dear, little wife beside me, whom I love -so well! - -'Are you happy now, you foolish boy?' says Dora, 'and sure you -don't repent?' - - -I have stood aside to see the phantoms of those days go by me. -They are gone, and I resume the journey of my story. - - - -CHAPTER 44 -OUR HOUSEKEEPING - - -It was a strange condition of things, the honeymoon being over, and -the bridesmaids gone home, when I found myself sitting down in my -own small house with Dora; quite thrown out of employment, as I may -say, in respect of the delicious old occupation of making love. - -It seemed such an extraordinary thing to have Dora always there. -It was so unaccountable not to be obliged to go out to see her, not -to have any occasion to be tormenting myself about her, not to have -to write to her, not to be scheming and devising opportunities of -being alone with her. Sometimes of an evening, when I looked up -from my writing, and saw her seated opposite, I would lean back in -my chair, and think how queer it was that there we were, alone -together as a matter of course - nobody's business any more - all -the romance of our engagement put away upon a shelf, to rust - no -one to please but one another - one another to please, for life. - -When there was a debate, and I was kept out very late, it seemed so -strange to me, as I was walking home, to think that Dora was at -home! It was such a wonderful thing, at first, to have her coming -softly down to talk to me as I ate my supper. It was such a -stupendous thing to know for certain that she put her hair in -papers. It was altogether such an astonishing event to see her do -it! - -I doubt whether two young birds could have known less about keeping -house, than I and my pretty Dora did. We had a servant, of course. -She kept house for us. I have still a latent belief that she must -have been Mrs. Crupp's daughter in disguise, we had such an awful -time of it with Mary Anne. - -Her name was Paragon. Her nature was represented to us, when we -engaged her, as being feebly expressed in her name. She had a -written character, as large as a proclamation; and, according to -this document, could do everything of a domestic nature that ever -I heard of, and a great many things that I never did hear of. She -was a woman in the prime of life; of a severe countenance; and -subject (particularly in the arms) to a sort of perpetual measles -or fiery rash. She had a cousin in the Life-Guards, with such long -legs that he looked like the afternoon shadow of somebody else. -His shell-jacket was as much too little for him as he was too big -for the premises. He made the cottage smaller than it need have -been, by being so very much out of proportion to it. Besides -which, the walls were not thick, and, whenever he passed the -evening at our house, we always knew of it by hearing one continual -growl in the kitchen. - -Our treasure was warranted sober and honest. I am therefore -willing to believe that she was in a fit when we found her under -the boiler; and that the deficient tea-spoons were attributable to -the dustman. - -But she preyed upon our minds dreadfully. We felt our -inexperience, and were unable to help ourselves. We should have -been at her mercy, if she had had any; but she was a remorseless -woman, and had none. She was the cause of our first little -quarrel. - -'My dearest life,' I said one day to Dora, 'do you think Mary Anne -has any idea of time?' - -'Why, Doady?' inquired Dora, looking up, innocently, from her -drawing. - -'My love, because it's five, and we were to have dined at four.' - -Dora glanced wistfully at the clock, and hinted that she thought it -was too fast. - -'On the contrary, my love,' said I, referring to my watch, 'it's a -few minutes too slow.' - -My little wife came and sat upon my knee, to coax me to be quiet, -and drew a line with her pencil down the middle of my nose; but I -couldn't dine off that, though it was very agreeable. - -'Don't you think, my dear,' said I, 'it would be better for you to -remonstrate with Mary Anne?' - -'Oh no, please! I couldn't, Doady!' said Dora. - -'Why not, my love?' I gently asked. - -'Oh, because I am such a little goose,' said Dora, 'and she knows -I am!' - -I thought this sentiment so incompatible with the establishment of -any system of check on Mary Anne, that I frowned a little. - -'Oh, what ugly wrinkles in my bad boy's forehead!' said Dora, and -still being on my knee, she traced them with her pencil; putting it -to her rosy lips to make it mark blacker, and working at my -forehead with a quaint little mockery of being industrious, that -quite delighted me in spite of myself. - -'There's a good child,' said Dora, 'it makes its face so much -prettier to laugh.' -'But, my love,' said I. - -'No, no! please!' cried Dora, with a kiss, 'don't be a naughty Blue -Beard! Don't be serious!' - -'My precious wife,' said I, 'we must be serious sometimes. Come! -Sit down on this chair, close beside me! Give me the pencil! -There! Now let us talk sensibly. You know, dear'; what a little -hand it was to hold, and what a tiny wedding-ring it was to see! -'You know, my love, it is not exactly comfortable to have to go out -without one's dinner. Now, is it?' - -'N-n-no!' replied Dora, faintly. - -'My love, how you tremble!' - -'Because I KNOW you're going to scold me,' exclaimed Dora, in a -piteous voice. - -'My sweet, I am only going to reason.' - -'Oh, but reasoning is worse than scolding!' exclaimed Dora, in -despair. 'I didn't marry to be reasoned with. If you meant to -reason with such a poor little thing as I am, you ought to have -told me so, you cruel boy!' - -I tried to pacify Dora, but she turned away her face, and shook her -curls from side to side, and said, 'You cruel, cruel boy!' so many -times, that I really did not exactly know what to do: so I took a -few turns up and down the room in my uncertainty, and came back -again. - -'Dora, my darling!' - -'No, I am not your darling. Because you must be sorry that you -married me, or else you wouldn't reason with me!' returned Dora. - -I felt so injured by the inconsequential nature of this charge, -that it gave me courage to be grave. - -'Now, my own Dora,' said I, 'you are very childish, and are talking -nonsense. You must remember, I am sure, that I was obliged to go -out yesterday when dinner was half over; and that, the day before, -I was made quite unwell by being obliged to eat underdone veal in -a hurry; today, I don't dine at all - and I am afraid to say how -long we waited for breakfast - and then the water didn't boil. I -don't mean to reproach you, my dear, but this is not comfortable.' - -'Oh, you cruel, cruel boy, to say I am a disagreeable wife!' cried -Dora. - -'Now, my dear Dora, you must know that I never said that!' - -'You said, I wasn't comfortable!' cried Dora. -'I said the housekeeping was not comfortable!' - -'It's exactly the same thing!' cried Dora. And she evidently -thought so, for she wept most grievously. - -I took another turn across the room, full of love for my pretty -wife, and distracted by self-accusatory inclinations to knock my -head against the door. I sat down again, and said: - -'I am not blaming you, Dora. We have both a great deal to learn. -I am only trying to show you, my dear, that you must - you really -must' (I was resolved not to give this up) - 'accustom yourself to -look after Mary Anne. Likewise to act a little for yourself, and -me.' - -'I wonder, I do, at your making such ungrateful speeches,' sobbed -Dora. 'When you know that the other day, when you said you would -like a little bit of fish, I went out myself, miles and miles, and -ordered it, to surprise you.' - -'And it was very kind of you, my own darling,' said I. 'I felt it -so much that I wouldn't on any account have even mentioned that you -bought a Salmon - which was too much for two. Or that it cost one -pound six - which was more than we can afford.' - -'You enjoyed it very much,' sobbed Dora. 'And you said I was a -Mouse.' - -'And I'll say so again, my love,' I returned, 'a thousand times!' - -But I had wounded Dora's soft little heart, and she was not to be -comforted. She was so pathetic in her sobbing and bewailing, that -I felt as if I had said I don't know what to hurt her. I was -obliged to hurry away; I was kept out late; and I felt all night -such pangs of remorse as made me miserable. I had the conscience -of an assassin, and was haunted by a vague sense of enormous -wickedness. - -It was two or three hours past midnight when I got home. I found -my aunt, in our house, sitting up for me. - -'Is anything the matter, aunt?' said I, alarmed. - -'Nothing, Trot,' she replied. 'Sit down, sit down. Little Blossom -has been rather out of spirits, and I have been keeping her -company. That's all.' - -I leaned my head upon my hand; and felt more sorry and downcast, as -I sat looking at the fire, than I could have supposed possible so -soon after the fulfilment of my brightest hopes. As I sat -thinking, I happened to meet my aunt's eyes, which were resting on -my face. There was an anxious expression in them, but it cleared -directly. - -'I assure you, aunt,' said I, 'I have been quite unhappy myself all -night, to think of Dora's being so. But I had no other intention -than to speak to her tenderly and lovingly about our home-affairs.' - -MY aunt nodded encouragement. - -'You must have patience, Trot,' said she. - -'Of course. Heaven knows I don't mean to be unreasonable, aunt!' - -'No, no,' said my aunt. 'But Little Blossom is a very tender -little blossom, and the wind must be gentle with her.' - -I thanked my good aunt, in my heart, for her tenderness towards my -wife; and I was sure that she knew I did. - -'Don't you think, aunt,' said I, after some further contemplation -of the fire, 'that you could advise and counsel Dora a little, for -our mutual advantage, now and then?' - -'Trot,' returned my aunt, with some emotion, 'no! Don't ask me -such a thing.' - -Her tone was so very earnest that I raised my eyes in surprise. - -'I look back on my life, child,' said my aunt, 'and I think of some -who are in their graves, with whom I might have been on kinder -terms. If I judged harshly of other people's mistakes in marriage, -it may have been because I had bitter reason to judge harshly of my -own. Let that pass. I have been a grumpy, frumpy, wayward sort of -a woman, a good many years. I am still, and I always shall be. -But you and I have done one another some good, Trot, - at all -events, you have done me good, my dear; and division must not come -between us, at this time of day.' - -'Division between us!' cried I. - -'Child, child!' said my aunt, smoothing her dress, 'how soon it -might come between us, or how unhappy I might make our Little -Blossom, if I meddled in anything, a prophet couldn't say. I want -our pet to like me, and be as gay as a butterfly. Remember your -own home, in that second marriage; and never do both me and her the -injury you have hinted at!' - -I comprehended, at once, that my aunt was right; and I comprehended -the full extent of her generous feeling towards my dear wife. - -'These are early days, Trot,' she pursued, 'and Rome was not built -in a day, nor in a year. You have chosen freely for yourself'; a -cloud passed over her face for a moment, I thought; 'and you have -chosen a very pretty and a very affectionate creature. It will be -your duty, and it will be your pleasure too - of course I know -that; I am not delivering a lecture - to estimate her (as you chose -her) by the qualities she has, and not by the qualities she may not -have. The latter you must develop in her, if you can. And if you -cannot, child,' here my aunt rubbed her nose, 'you must just -accustom yourself to do without 'em. But remember, my dear, your -future is between you two. No one can assist you; you are to work -it out for yourselves. This is marriage, Trot; and Heaven bless -you both, in it, for a pair of babes in the wood as you are!' - -My aunt said this in a sprightly way, and gave me a kiss to ratify -the blessing. - -'Now,' said she, 'light my little lantern, and see me into my -bandbox by the garden path'; for there was a communication between -our cottages in that direction. 'Give Betsey Trotwood's love to -Blossom, when you come back; and whatever you do, Trot, never dream -of setting Betsey up as a scarecrow, for if I ever saw her in the -glass, she's quite grim enough and gaunt enough in her private -capacity!' - -With this my aunt tied her head up in a handkerchief, with which -she was accustomed to make a bundle of it on such occasions; and I -escorted her home. As she stood in her garden, holding up her -little lantern to light me back, I thought her observation of me -had an anxious air again; but I was too much occupied in pondering -on what she had said, and too much impressed - for the first time, -in reality - by the conviction that Dora and I had indeed to work -out our future for ourselves, and that no one could assist us, to -take much notice of it. - -Dora came stealing down in her little slippers, to meet me, now -that I was alone; and cried upon my shoulder, and said I had been -hard-hearted and she had been naughty; and I said much the same -thing in effect, I believe; and we made it up, and agreed that our -first little difference was to be our last, and that we were never -to have another if we lived a hundred years. - -The next domestic trial we went through, was the Ordeal of -Servants. Mary Anne's cousin deserted into our coal-hole, and was -brought out, to our great amazement, by a piquet of his companions -in arms, who took him away handcuffed in a procession that covered -our front-garden with ignominy. This nerved me to get rid of Mary -Anne, who went so mildly, on receipt of wages, that I was -surprised, until I found out about the tea-spoons, and also about -the little sums she had borrowed in my name of the tradespeople -without authority. After an interval of Mrs. Kidgerbury - the -oldest inhabitant of Kentish Town, I believe, who went out charing, -but was too feeble to execute her conceptions of that art - we -found another treasure, who was one of the most amiable of women, -but who generally made a point of falling either up or down the -kitchen stairs with the tray, and almost plunged into the parlour, -as into a bath, with the tea-things. The ravages committed by this -unfortunate, rendering her dismissal necessary, she was succeeded -(with intervals of Mrs. Kidgerbury) by a long line of Incapables; -terminating in a young person of genteel appearance, who went to -Greenwich Fair in Dora's bonnet. After whom I remember nothing but -an average equality of failure. - -Everybody we had anything to do with seemed to cheat us. Our -appearance in a shop was a signal for the damaged goods to be -brought out immediately. If we bought a lobster, it was full of -water. All our meat turned out to be tough, and there was hardly -any crust to our loaves. In search of the principle on which -joints ought to be roasted, to be roasted enough, and not too much, -I myself referred to the Cookery Book, and found it there -established as the allowance of a quarter of an hour to every -pound, and say a quarter over. But the principle always failed us -by some curious fatality, and we never could hit any medium between -redness and cinders. - -I had reason to believe that in accomplishing these failures we -incurred a far greater expense than if we had achieved a series of -triumphs. It appeared to me, on looking over the tradesmen's -books, as if we might have kept the basement storey paved with -butter, such was the extensive scale of our consumption of that -article. I don't know whether the Excise returns of the period may -have exhibited any increase in the demand for pepper; but if our -performances did not affect the market, I should say several -families must have left off using it. And the most wonderful fact -of all was, that we never had anything in the house. - -As to the washerwoman pawning the clothes, and coming in a state of -penitent intoxication to apologize, I suppose that might have -happened several times to anybody. Also the chimney on fire, the -parish engine, and perjury on the part of the Beadle. But I -apprehend that we were personally fortunate in engaging a servant -with a taste for cordials, who swelled our running account for -porter at the public-house by such inexplicable items as 'quartern -rum shrub (Mrs. C.)'; 'Half-quartern gin and cloves (Mrs. C.)'; -'Glass rum and peppermint (Mrs. C.)' - the parentheses always -referring to Dora, who was supposed, it appeared on explanation, to -have imbibed the whole of these refreshments. - -One of our first feats in the housekeeping way was a little dinner -to Traddles. I met him in town, and asked him to walk out with me -that afternoon. He readily consenting, I wrote to Dora, saying I -would bring him home. It was pleasant weather, and on the road we -made my domestic happiness the theme of conversation. Traddles was -very full of it; and said, that, picturing himself with such a -home, and Sophy waiting and preparing for him, he could think of -nothing wanting to complete his bliss. - -I could not have wished for a prettier little wife at the opposite -end of the table, but I certainly could have wished, when we sat -down, for a little more room. I did not know how it was, but -though there were only two of us, we were at once always cramped -for room, and yet had always room enough to lose everything in. I -suspect it may have been because nothing had a place of its own, -except Jip's pagoda, which invariably blocked up the main -thoroughfare. On the present occasion, Traddles was so hemmed in -by the pagoda and the guitar-case, and Dora's flower-painting, and -my writing-table, that I had serious doubts of the possibility of -his using his knife and fork; but he protested, with his own -good-humour, 'Oceans of room, Copperfield! I assure you, Oceans!' - -There was another thing I could have wished, namely, that Jip had -never been encouraged to walk about the tablecloth during dinner. -I began to think there was something disorderly in his being there -at all, even if he had not been in the habit of putting his foot in -the salt or the melted butter. On this occasion he seemed to think -he was introduced expressly to keep Traddles at bay; and he barked -at my old friend, and made short runs at his plate, with such -undaunted pertinacity, that he may be said to have engrossed the -conversation. - -However, as I knew how tender-hearted my dear Dora was, and how -sensitive she would be to any slight upon her favourite, I hinted -no objection. For similar reasons I made no allusion to the -skirmishing plates upon the floor; or to the disreputable -appearance of the castors, which were all at sixes and sevens, and -looked drunk; or to the further blockade of Traddles by wandering -vegetable dishes and jugs. I could not help wondering in my own -mind, as I contemplated the boiled leg of mutton before me, -previous to carving it, how it came to pass that our joints of meat -were of such extraordinary shapes - and whether our butcher -contracted for all the deformed sheep that came into the world; but -I kept my reflections to myself. - -'My love,' said I to Dora, 'what have you got in that dish?' - -I could not imagine why Dora had been making tempting little faces -at me, as if she wanted to kiss me. - -'Oysters, dear,' said Dora, timidly. - -'Was that YOUR thought?' said I, delighted. - -'Ye-yes, Doady,' said Dora. - -'There never was a happier one!' I exclaimed, laying down the -carving-knife and fork. 'There is nothing Traddles likes so much!' - -'Ye-yes, Doady,' said Dora, 'and so I bought a beautiful little -barrel of them, and the man said they were very good. But I - I am -afraid there's something the matter with them. They don't seem -right.' Here Dora shook her head, and diamonds twinkled in her -eyes. - -'They are only opened in both shells,' said I. 'Take the top one -off, my love.' - -'But it won't come off!' said Dora, trying very hard, and looking -very much distressed. - -'Do you know, Copperfield,' said Traddles, cheerfully examining the -dish, 'I think it is in consequence - they are capital oysters, but -I think it is in consequence - of their never having been opened.' - -They never had been opened; and we had no oyster-knives - and -couldn't have used them if we had; so we looked at the oysters and -ate the mutton. At least we ate as much of it as was done, and -made up with capers. If I had permitted him, I am satisfied that -Traddles would have made a perfect savage of himself, and eaten a -plateful of raw meat, to express enjoyment of the repast; but I -would hear of no such immolation on the altar of friendship, and we -had a course of bacon instead; there happening, by good fortune, to -be cold bacon in the larder. - -My poor little wife was in such affliction when she thought I -should be annoyed, and in such a state of joy when she found I was -not, that the discomfiture I had subdued, very soon vanished, and -we passed a happy evening; Dora sitting with her arm on my chair -while Traddles and I discussed a glass of wine, and taking every -opportunity of whispering in my ear that it was so good of me not -to be a cruel, cross old boy. By and by she made tea for us; which -it was so pretty to see her do, as if she was busying herself with -a set of doll's tea-things, that I was not particular about the -quality of the beverage. Then Traddles and I played a game or two -at cribbage; and Dora singing to the guitar the while, it seemed to -me as if our courtship and marriage were a tender dream of mine, -and the night when I first listened to her voice were not yet over. - -When Traddles went away, and I came back into the parlour from -seeing him out, my wife planted her chair close to mine, and sat -down by my side. 'I am very sorry,' she said. 'Will you try to -teach me, Doady?' - -'I must teach myself first, Dora,' said I. 'I am as bad as you, -love.' - -'Ah! But you can learn,' she returned; 'and you are a clever, -clever man!' - -'Nonsense, mouse!' said I. - -'I wish,' resumed my wife, after a long silence, 'that I could have -gone down into the country for a whole year, and lived with Agnes!' - -Her hands were clasped upon my shoulder, and her chin rested on -them, and her blue eyes looked quietly into mine. - -'Why so?' I asked. - -'I think she might have improved me, and I think I might have -learned from her,' said Dora. - -'All in good time, my love. Agnes has had her father to take care -of for these many years, you should remember. Even when she was -quite a child, she was the Agnes whom we know,' said I. - -'Will you call me a name I want you to call me?' inquired Dora, -without moving. - -'What is it?' I asked with a smile. - -'It's a stupid name,' she said, shaking her curls for a moment. -'Child-wife.' - -I laughingly asked my child-wife what her fancy was in desiring to -be so called. She answered without moving, otherwise than as the -arm I twined about her may have brought her blue eyes nearer to me: - -'I don't mean, you silly fellow, that you should use the name -instead of Dora. I only mean that you should think of me that way. -When you are going to be angry with me, say to yourself, "it's only -my child-wife!" When I am very disappointing, say, "I knew, a long -time ago, that she would make but a child-wife!" When you miss what -I should like to be, and I think can never be, say, "still my -foolish child-wife loves me!" For indeed I do.' - -I had not been serious with her; having no idea until now, that she -was serious herself. But her affectionate nature was so happy in -what I now said to her with my whole heart, that her face became a -laughing one before her glittering eyes were dry. She was soon my -child-wife indeed; sitting down on the floor outside the Chinese -House, ringing all the little bells one after another, to punish -Jip for his recent bad behaviour; while Jip lay blinking in the -doorway with his head out, even too lazy to be teased. - -This appeal of Dora's made a strong impression on me. I look back -on the time I write of; I invoke the innocent figure that I dearly -loved, to come out from the mists and shadows of the past, and turn -its gentle head towards me once again; and I can still declare that -this one little speech was constantly in my memory. I may not have -used it to the best account; I was young and inexperienced; but I -never turned a deaf ear to its artless pleading. - -Dora told me, shortly afterwards, that she was going to be a -wonderful housekeeper. Accordingly, she polished the tablets, -pointed the pencil, bought an immense account-book, carefully -stitched up with a needle and thread all the leaves of the Cookery -Book which Jip had torn, and made quite a desperate little attempt -'to be good', as she called it. But the figures had the old -obstinate propensity - they WOULD NOT add up. When she had entered -two or three laborious items in the account-book, Jip would walk -over the page, wagging his tail, and smear them all out. Her own -little right-hand middle finger got steeped to the very bone in -ink; and I think that was the only decided result obtained. - -Sometimes, of an evening, when I was at home and at work - for I -wrote a good deal now, and was beginning in a small way to be known -as a writer - I would lay down my pen, and watch my child-wife -trying to be good. First of all, she would bring out the immense -account-book, and lay it down upon the table, with a deep sigh. -Then she would open it at the place where Jip had made it illegible -last night, and call Jip up, to look at his misdeeds. This would -occasion a diversion in Jip's favour, and some inking of his nose, -perhaps, as a penalty. Then she would tell Jip to lie down on the -table instantly, 'like a lion' - which was one of his tricks, -though I cannot say the likeness was striking - and, if he were in -an obedient humour, he would obey. Then she would take up a pen, -and begin to write, and find a hair in it. Then she would take up -another pen, and begin to write, and find that it spluttered. Then -she would take up another pen, and begin to write, and say in a low -voice, 'Oh, it's a talking pen, and will disturb Doady!' And then -she would give it up as a bad job, and put the account-book away, -after pretending to crush the lion with it. - -Or, if she were in a very sedate and serious state of mind, she -would sit down with the tablets, and a little basket of bills and -other documents, which looked more like curl-papers than anything -else, and endeavour to get some result out of them. After severely -comparing one with another, and making entries on the tablets, and -blotting them out, and counting all the fingers of her left hand -over and over again, backwards and forwards, she would be so vexed -and discouraged, and would look so unhappy, that it gave me pain to -see her bright face clouded - and for me! - and I would go softly -to her, and say: - -'What's the matter, Dora?' - -Dora would look up hopelessly, and reply, 'They won't come right. -They make my head ache so. And they won't do anything I want!' - -Then I would say, 'Now let us try together. Let me show you, -Dora.' - -Then I would commence a practical demonstration, to which Dora -would pay profound attention, perhaps for five minutes; when she -would begin to be dreadfully tired, and would lighten the subject -by curling my hair, or trying the effect of my face with my -shirt-collar turned down. If I tacitly checked this playfulness, -and persisted, she would look so scared and disconsolate, as she -became more and more bewildered, that the remembrance of her -natural gaiety when I first strayed into her path, and of her being -my child-wife, would come reproachfully upon me; and I would lay -the pencil down, and call for the guitar. - -I had a great deal of work to do, and had many anxieties, but the -same considerations made me keep them to myself. I am far from -sure, now, that it was right to do this, but I did it for my -child-wife's sake. I search my breast, and I commit its secrets, -if I know them, without any reservation to this paper. The old -unhappy loss or want of something had, I am conscious, some place -in my heart; but not to the embitterment of my life. When I walked -alone in the fine weather, and thought of the summer days when all -the air had been filled with my boyish enchantment, I did miss -something of the realization of my dreams; but I thought it was a -softened glory of the Past, which nothing could have thrown upon -the present time. I did feel, sometimes, for a little while, that -I could have wished my wife had been my counsellor; had had more -character and purpose, to sustain me and improve me by; had been -endowed with power to fill up the void which somewhere seemed to be -about me; but I felt as if this were an unearthly consummation of -my happiness, that never had been meant to be, and never could have -been. - -I was a boyish husband as to years. I had known the softening -influence of no other sorrows or experiences than those recorded in -these leaves. If I did any wrong, as I may have done much, I did -it in mistaken love, and in my want of wisdom. I write the exact -truth. It would avail me nothing to extenuate it now. - -Thus it was that I took upon myself the toils and cares of our -life, and had no partner in them. We lived much as before, in -reference to our scrambling household arrangements; but I had got -used to those, and Dora I was pleased to see was seldom vexed now. -She was bright and cheerful in the old childish way, loved me -dearly, and was happy with her old trifles. - -When the debates were heavy - I mean as to length, not quality, for -in the last respect they were not often otherwise - and I went home -late, Dora would never rest when she heard my footsteps, but would -always come downstairs to meet me. When my evenings were -unoccupied by the pursuit for which I had qualified myself with so -much pains, and I was engaged in writing at home, she would sit -quietly near me, however late the hour, and be so mute, that I -would often think she had dropped asleep. But generally, when I -raised my head, I saw her blue eyes looking at me with the quiet -attention of which I have already spoken. - -'Oh, what a weary boy!' said Dora one night, when I met her eyes as -I was shutting up my desk. - -'What a weary girl!' said I. 'That's more to the purpose. You -must go to bed another time, my love. It's far too late for you.' - -'No, don't send me to bed!' pleaded Dora, coming to my side. -'Pray, don't do that!' - -'Dora!' To my amazement she was sobbing on my neck. 'Not well, my -dear! not happy!' - -'Yes! quite well, and very happy!' said Dora. 'But say you'll let -me stop, and see you write.' - -'Why, what a sight for such bright eyes at midnight!' I replied. - -'Are they bright, though?' returned Dora, laughing. 'I'm so glad -they're bright.' -'Little Vanity!' said I. - -But it was not vanity; it was only harmless delight in my -admiration. I knew that very well, before she told me so. - -'If you think them pretty, say I may always stop, and see you -write!' said Dora. 'Do you think them pretty?' - -'Very pretty.' - -'Then let me always stop and see you write.' - -'I am afraid that won't improve their brightness, Dora.' - -'Yes, it will! Because, you clever boy, you'll not forget me then, -while you are full of silent fancies. Will you mind it, if I say -something very, very silly? - more than usual?' inquired Dora, -peeping over my shoulder into my face. - -'What wonderful thing is that?' said I. - -'Please let me hold the pens,' said Dora. 'I want to have -something to do with all those many hours when you are so -industrious. May I hold the pens?' - -The remembrance of her pretty joy when I said yes, brings tears -into my eyes. The next time I sat down to write, and regularly -afterwards, she sat in her old place, with a spare bundle of pens -at her side. Her triumph in this connexion with my work, and her -delight when I wanted a new pen - which I very often feigned to do -- suggested to me a new way of pleasing my child-wife. I -occasionally made a pretence of wanting a page or two of manuscript -copied. Then Dora was in her glory. The preparations she made for -this great work, the aprons she put on, the bibs she borrowed from -the kitchen to keep off the ink, the time she took, the innumerable -stoppages she made to have a laugh with Jip as if he understood it -all, her conviction that her work was incomplete unless she signed -her name at the end, and the way in which she would bring it to me, -like a school-copy, and then, when I praised it, clasp me round the -neck, are touching recollections to me, simple as they might appear -to other men. - -She took possession of the keys soon after this, and went jingling -about the house with the whole bunch in a little basket, tied to -her slender waist. I seldom found that the places to which they -belonged were locked, or that they were of any use except as a -plaything for Jip - but Dora was pleased, and that pleased me. She -was quite satisfied that a good deal was effected by this -make-belief of housekeeping; and was as merry as if we had been -keeping a baby-house, for a joke. - -So we went on. Dora was hardly less affectionate to my aunt than -to me, and often told her of the time when she was afraid she was -'a cross old thing'. I never saw my aunt unbend more -systematically to anyone. She courted Jip, though Jip never -responded; listened, day after day, to the guitar, though I am -afraid she had no taste for music; never attacked the Incapables, -though the temptation must have been severe; went wonderful -distances on foot to purchase, as surprises, any trifles that she -found out Dora wanted; and never came in by the garden, and missed -her from the room, but she would call out, at the foot of the -stairs, in a voice that sounded cheerfully all over the house: - -'Where's Little Blossom?' - - - -CHAPTER 45 -MR. DICK FULFILS MY AUNT'S PREDICTIONS - - -It was some time now, since I had left the Doctor. Living in his -neighbourhood, I saw him frequently; and we all went to his house -on two or three occasions to dinner or tea. The Old Soldier was in -permanent quarters under the Doctor's roof. She was exactly the -same as ever, and the same immortal butterflies hovered over her -cap. - -Like some other mothers, whom I have known in the course of my -life, Mrs. Markleham was far more fond of pleasure than her -daughter was. She required a great deal of amusement, and, like a -deep old soldier, pretended, in consulting her own inclinations, to -be devoting herself to her child. The Doctor's desire that Annie -should be entertained, was therefore particularly acceptable to -this excellent parent; who expressed unqualified approval of his -discretion. - -I have no doubt, indeed, that she probed the Doctor's wound without -knowing it. Meaning nothing but a certain matured frivolity and -selfishness, not always inseparable from full-blown years, I think -she confirmed him in his fear that he was a constraint upon his -young wife, and that there was no congeniality of feeling between -them, by so strongly commending his design of lightening the load -of her life. - -'My dear soul,' she said to him one day when I was present, 'you -know there is no doubt it would be a little pokey for Annie to be -always shut up here.' - -The Doctor nodded his benevolent head. 'When she comes to her -mother's age,' said Mrs. Markleham, with a flourish of her fan, -'then it'll be another thing. You might put ME into a Jail, with -genteel society and a rubber, and I should never care to come out. -But I am not Annie, you know; and Annie is not her mother.' - -'Surely, surely,' said the Doctor. - -'You are the best of creatures - no, I beg your pardon!' for the -Doctor made a gesture of deprecation, 'I must say before your face, -as I always say behind your back, you are the best of creatures; -but of course you don't - now do you? - enter into the same -pursuits and fancies as Annie?' - -'No,' said the Doctor, in a sorrowful tone. - -'No, of course not,' retorted the Old Soldier. 'Take your -Dictionary, for example. What a useful work a Dictionary is! What -a necessary work! The meanings of words! Without Doctor Johnson, -or somebody of that sort, we might have been at this present moment -calling an Italian-iron, a bedstead. But we can't expect a -Dictionary - especially when it's making - to interest Annie, can -we?' - -The Doctor shook his head. - -'And that's why I so much approve,' said Mrs. Markleham, tapping -him on the shoulder with her shut-up fan, 'of your thoughtfulness. -It shows that you don't expect, as many elderly people do expect, -old heads on young shoulders. You have studied Annie's character, -and you understand it. That's what I find so charming!' - -Even the calm and patient face of Doctor Strong expressed some -little sense of pain, I thought, under the infliction of these -compliments. - -'Therefore, my dear Doctor,' said the Old Soldier, giving him -several affectionate taps, 'you may command me, at all times and -seasons. Now, do understand that I am entirely at your service. -I am ready to go with Annie to operas, concerts, exhibitions, all -kinds of places; and you shall never find that I am tired. Duty, -my dear Doctor, before every consideration in the universe!' - -She was as good as her word. She was one of those people who can -bear a great deal of pleasure, and she never flinched in her -perseverance in the cause. She seldom got hold of the newspaper -(which she settled herself down in the softest chair in the house -to read through an eye-glass, every day, for two hours), but she -found out something that she was certain Annie would like to see. -It was in vain for Annie to protest that she was weary of such -things. Her mother's remonstrance always was, 'Now, my dear Annie, -I am sure you know better; and I must tell you, my love, that you -are not making a proper return for the kindness of Doctor Strong.' - -This was usually said in the Doctor's presence, and appeared to me -to constitute Annie's principal inducement for withdrawing her -objections when she made any. But in general she resigned herself -to her mother, and went where the Old Soldier would. - -It rarely happened now that Mr. Maldon accompanied them. Sometimes -my aunt and Dora were invited to do so, and accepted the -invitation. Sometimes Dora only was asked. The time had been, -when I should have been uneasy in her going; but reflection on what -had passed that former night in the Doctor's study, had made a -change in my mistrust. I believed that the Doctor was right, and -I had no worse suspicions. - -My aunt rubbed her nose sometimes when she happened to be alone -with me, and said she couldn't make it out; she wished they were -happier; she didn't think our military friend (so she always called -the Old Soldier) mended the matter at all. My aunt further -expressed her opinion, 'that if our military friend would cut off -those butterflies, and give 'em to the chimney-sweepers for -May-day, it would look like the beginning of something sensible on -her part.' - -But her abiding reliance was on Mr. Dick. That man had evidently -an idea in his head, she said; and if he could only once pen it up -into a corner, which was his great difficulty, he would distinguish -himself in some extraordinary manner. - -Unconscious of this prediction, Mr. Dick continued to occupy -precisely the same ground in reference to the Doctor and to Mrs. -Strong. He seemed neither to advance nor to recede. He appeared -to have settled into his original foundation, like a building; and -I must confess that my faith in his ever Moving, was not much -greater than if he had been a building. - -But one night, when I had been married some months, Mr. Dick put -his head into the parlour, where I was writing alone (Dora having -gone out with my aunt to take tea with the two little birds), and -said, with a significant cough: - -'You couldn't speak to me without inconveniencing yourself, -Trotwood, I am afraid?' - -'Certainly, Mr. Dick,' said I; 'come in!' - -'Trotwood,' said Mr. Dick, laying his finger on the side of his -nose, after he had shaken hands with me. 'Before I sit down, I -wish to make an observation. You know your aunt?' - -'A little,' I replied. - -'She is the most wonderful woman in the world, sir!' - -After the delivery of this communication, which he shot out of -himself as if he were loaded with it, Mr. Dick sat down with -greater gravity than usual, and looked at me. - -'Now, boy,' said Mr. Dick, 'I am going to put a question to you.' - -'As many as you please,' said I. - -'What do you consider me, sir?' asked Mr. Dick, folding his arms. - -'A dear old friend,' said I. -'Thank you, Trotwood,' returned Mr. Dick, laughing, and reaching -across in high glee to shake hands with me. 'But I mean, boy,' -resuming his gravity, 'what do you consider me in this respect?' -touching his forehead. - -I was puzzled how to answer, but he helped me with a word. - -'Weak?' said Mr. Dick. - -'Well,' I replied, dubiously. 'Rather so.' - -'Exactly!' cried Mr. Dick, who seemed quite enchanted by my reply. -'That is, Trotwood, when they took some of the trouble out of -you-know-who's head, and put it you know where, there was a -' Mr. -Dick made his two hands revolve very fast about each other a great -number of times, and then brought them into collision, and rolled -them over and over one another, to express confusion. 'There was -that sort of thing done to me somehow. Eh?' - -I nodded at him, and he nodded back again. - -'In short, boy,' said Mr. Dick, dropping his voice to a whisper, 'I -am simple.' - -I would have qualified that conclusion, but he stopped me. - -'Yes, I am! She pretends I am not. She won't hear of it; but I -am. I know I am. If she hadn't stood my friend, sir, I should -have been shut up, to lead a dismal life these many years. But -I'll provide for her! I never spend the copying money. I put it -in a box. I have made a will. I'll leave it all to her. She -shall be rich - noble!' - -Mr. Dick took out his pocket-handkerchief, and wiped his eyes. He -then folded it up with great care, pressed it smooth between his -two hands, put it in his pocket, and seemed to put my aunt away -with it. - -'Now you are a scholar, Trotwood,' said Mr. Dick. 'You are a fine -scholar. You know what a learned man, what a great man, the Doctor -is. You know what honour he has always done me. Not proud in his -wisdom. Humble, humble - condescending even to poor Dick, who is -simple and knows nothing. I have sent his name up, on a scrap of -paper, to the kite, along the string, when it has been in the sky, -among the larks. The kite has been glad to receive it, sir, and -the sky has been brighter with it.' - -I delighted him by saying, most heartily, that the Doctor was -deserving of our best respect and highest esteem. - -'And his beautiful wife is a star,' said Mr. Dick. 'A shining -star. I have seen her shine, sir. But,' bringing his chair -nearer, and laying one hand upon my knee - 'clouds, sir - clouds.' - -I answered the solicitude which his face expressed, by conveying -the same expression into my own, and shaking my head. - -'What clouds?' said Mr. Dick. - -He looked so wistfully into my face, and was so anxious to -understand, that I took great pains to answer him slowly and -distinctly, as I might have entered on an explanation to a child. - -'There is some unfortunate division between them,' I replied. -'Some unhappy cause of separation. A secret. It may be -inseparable from the discrepancy in their years. It may have grown -up out of almost nothing.' - -Mr. Dick, who had told off every sentence with a thoughtful nod, -paused when I had done, and sat considering, with his eyes upon my -face, and his hand upon my knee. - -'Doctor not angry with her, Trotwood?' he said, after some time. - -'No. Devoted to her.' - -'Then, I have got it, boy!' said Mr. Dick. - -The sudden exultation with which he slapped me on the knee, and -leaned back in his chair, with his eyebrows lifted up as high as he -could possibly lift them, made me think him farther out of his wits -than ever. He became as suddenly grave again, and leaning forward -as before, said - first respectfully taking out his -pocket-handkerchief, as if it really did represent my aunt: - -'Most wonderful woman in the world, Trotwood. Why has she done -nothing to set things right?' - -'Too delicate and difficult a subject for such interference,' I -replied. - -'Fine scholar,' said Mr. Dick, touching me with his finger. 'Why -has HE done nothing?' - -'For the same reason,' I returned. - -'Then, I have got it, boy!' said Mr. Dick. And he stood up before -me, more exultingly than before, nodding his head, and striking -himself repeatedly upon the breast, until one might have supposed -that he had nearly nodded and struck all the breath out of his -body. - -'A poor fellow with a craze, sir,' said Mr. Dick, 'a simpleton, a -weak-minded person - present company, you know!' striking himself -again, 'may do what wonderful people may not do. I'll bring them -together, boy. I'll try. They'll not blame me. They'll not -object to me. They'll not mind what I do, if it's wrong. I'm only -Mr. Dick. And who minds Dick? Dick's nobody! Whoo!' He blew a -slight, contemptuous breath, as if he blew himself away. - -It was fortunate he had proceeded so far with his mystery, for we -heard the coach stop at the little garden gate, which brought my -aunt and Dora home. - -'Not a word, boy!' he pursued in a whisper; 'leave all the blame -with Dick - simple Dick - mad Dick. I have been thinking, sir, for -some time, that I was getting it, and now I have got it. After -what you have said to me, I am sure I have got it. All right!' Not -another word did Mr. Dick utter on the subject; but he made a very -telegraph of himself for the next half-hour (to the great -disturbance of my aunt's mind), to enjoin inviolable secrecy on me. - -To my surprise, I heard no more about it for some two or three -weeks, though I was sufficiently interested in the result of his -endeavours; descrying a strange gleam of good sense - I say nothing -of good feeling, for that he always exhibited - in the conclusion -to which he had come. At last I began to believe, that, in the -flighty and unsettled state of his mind, he had either forgotten -his intention or abandoned it. - -One fair evening, when Dora was not inclined to go out, my aunt and -I strolled up to the Doctor's cottage. It was autumn, when there -were no debates to vex the evening air; and I remember how the -leaves smelt like our garden at Blunderstone as we trod them under -foot, and how the old, unhappy feeling, seemed to go by, on the -sighing wind. - -It was twilight when we reached the cottage. Mrs. Strong was just -coming out of the garden, where Mr. Dick yet lingered, busy with -his knife, helping the gardener to point some stakes. The Doctor -was engaged with someone in his study; but the visitor would be -gone directly, Mrs. Strong said, and begged us to remain and see -him. We went into the drawing-room with her, and sat down by the -darkening window. There was never any ceremony about the visits of -such old friends and neighbours as we were. - -We had not sat here many minutes, when Mrs. Markleham, who usually -contrived to be in a fuss about something, came bustling in, with -her newspaper in her hand, and said, out of breath, 'My goodness -gracious, Annie, why didn't you tell me there was someone in the -Study!' - -'My dear mama,' she quietly returned, 'how could I know that you -desired the information?' - -'Desired the information!' said Mrs. Markleham, sinking on the -sofa. 'I never had such a turn in all my life!' - -'Have you been to the Study, then, mama?' asked Annie. - -'BEEN to the Study, my dear!' she returned emphatically. 'Indeed -I have! I came upon the amiable creature - if you'll imagine my -feelings, Miss Trotwood and David - in the act of making his will.' - -Her daughter looked round from the window quickly. - -'In the act, my dear Annie,' repeated Mrs. Markleham, spreading the -newspaper on her lap like a table-cloth, and patting her hands upon -it, 'of making his last Will and Testament. The foresight and -affection of the dear! I must tell you how it was. I really must, -in justice to the darling - for he is nothing less! - tell you how -it was. Perhaps you know, Miss Trotwood, that there is never a -candle lighted in this house, until one's eyes are literally -falling out of one's head with being stretched to read the paper. -And that there is not a chair in this house, in which a paper can -be what I call, read, except one in the Study. This took me to the -Study, where I saw a light. I opened the door. In company with -the dear Doctor were two professional people, evidently connected -with the law, and they were all three standing at the table: the -darling Doctor pen in hand. "This simply expresses then," said the -Doctor - Annie, my love, attend to the very words - "this simply -expresses then, gentlemen, the confidence I have in Mrs. Strong, -and gives her all unconditionally?" One of the professional people -replied, "And gives her all unconditionally." Upon that, with the -natural feelings of a mother, I said, "Good God, I beg your -pardon!" fell over the door-step, and came away through the little -back passage where the pantry is.' - -Mrs. Strong opened the window, and went out into the verandah, -where she stood leaning against a pillar. - -'But now isn't it, Miss Trotwood, isn't it, David, invigorating,' -said Mrs. Markleham, mechanically following her with her eyes, 'to -find a man at Doctor Strong's time of life, with the strength of -mind to do this kind of thing? It only shows how right I was. I -said to Annie, when Doctor Strong paid a very flattering visit to -myself, and made her the subject of a declaration and an offer, I -said, "My dear, there is no doubt whatever, in my opinion, with -reference to a suitable provision for you, that Doctor Strong will -do more than he binds himself to do."' - -Here the bell rang, and we heard the sound of the visitors' feet as -they went out. - -'It's all over, no doubt,' said the Old Soldier, after listening; -'the dear creature has signed, sealed, and delivered, and his -mind's at rest. Well it may be! What a mind! Annie, my love, I -am going to the Study with my paper, for I am a poor creature -without news. Miss Trotwood, David, pray come and see the Doctor.' - -I was conscious of Mr. Dick's standing in the shadow of the room, -shutting up his knife, when we accompanied her to the Study; and of -my aunt's rubbing her nose violently, by the way, as a mild vent -for her intolerance of our military friend; but who got first into -the Study, or how Mrs. Markleham settled herself in a moment in her -easy-chair, or how my aunt and I came to be left together near the -door (unless her eyes were quicker than mine, and she held me -back), I have forgotten, if I ever knew. But this I know, - that -we saw the Doctor before he saw us, sitting at his table, among the -folio volumes in which he delighted, resting his head calmly on his -hand. That, in the same moment, we saw Mrs. Strong glide in, pale -and trembling. That Mr. Dick supported her on his arm. That he -laid his other hand upon the Doctor's arm, causing him to look up -with an abstracted air. That, as the Doctor moved his head, his -wife dropped down on one knee at his feet, and, with her hands -imploringly lifted, fixed upon his face the memorable look I had -never forgotten. That at this sight Mrs. Markleham dropped the -newspaper, and stared more like a figure-head intended for a ship -to be called The Astonishment, than anything else I can think of. - -The gentleness of the Doctor's manner and surprise, the dignity -that mingled with the supplicating attitude of his wife, the -amiable concern of Mr. Dick, and the earnestness with which my aunt -said to herself, 'That man mad!' (triumphantly expressive of the -misery from which she had saved him) - I see and hear, rather than -remember, as I write about it. - -'Doctor!' said Mr. Dick. 'What is it that's amiss? Look here!' - -'Annie!' cried the Doctor. 'Not at my feet, my dear!' - -'Yes!' she said. 'I beg and pray that no one will leave the room! -Oh, my husband and father, break this long silence. Let us both -know what it is that has come between us!' - -Mrs. Markleham, by this time recovering the power of speech, and -seeming to swell with family pride and motherly indignation, here -exclaimed, 'Annie, get up immediately, and don't disgrace everybody -belonging to you by humbling yourself like that, unless you wish to -see me go out of my mind on the spot!' - -'Mama!' returned Annie. 'Waste no words on me, for my appeal is to -my husband, and even you are nothing here.' - -'Nothing!' exclaimed Mrs. Markleham. 'Me, nothing! The child has -taken leave of her senses. Please to get me a glass of water!' - -I was too attentive to the Doctor and his wife, to give any heed to -this request; and it made no impression on anybody else; so Mrs. -Markleham panted, stared, and fanned herself. - -'Annie!' said the Doctor, tenderly taking her in his hands. 'My -dear! If any unavoidable change has come, in the sequence of time, -upon our married life, you are not to blame. The fault is mine, -and only mine. There is no change in my affection, admiration, and -respect. I wish to make you happy. I truly love and honour you. -Rise, Annie, pray!' - -But she did not rise. After looking at him for a little while, she -sank down closer to him, laid her arm across his knee, and dropping -her head upon it, said: - -'If I have any friend here, who can speak one word for me, or for -my husband in this matter; if I have any friend here, who can give -a voice to any suspicion that my heart has sometimes whispered to -me; if I have any friend here, who honours my husband, or has ever -cared for me, and has anything within his knowledge, no matter what -it is, that may help to mediate between us, I implore that friend -to speak!' - -There was a profound silence. After a few moments of painful -hesitation, I broke the silence. - -'Mrs. Strong,' I said, 'there is something within my knowledge, -which I have been earnestly entreated by Doctor Strong to conceal, -and have concealed until tonight. But, I believe the time has come -when it would be mistaken faith and delicacy to conceal it any -longer, and when your appeal absolves me from his injunction.' - -She turned her face towards me for a moment, and I knew that I was -right. I could not have resisted its entreaty, if the assurance -that it gave me had been less convincing. - -'Our future peace,' she said, 'may be in your hands. I trust it -confidently to your not suppressing anything. I know beforehand -that nothing you, or anyone, can tell me, will show my husband's -noble heart in any other light than one. Howsoever it may seem to -you to touch me, disregard that. I will speak for myself, before -him, and before God afterwards.' - -Thus earnestly besought, I made no reference to the Doctor for his -permission, but, without any other compromise of the truth than a -little softening of the coarseness of Uriah Heep, related plainly -what had passed in that same room that night. The staring of Mrs. -Markleham during the whole narration, and the shrill, sharp -interjections with which she occasionally interrupted it, defy -description. - -When I had finished, Annie remained, for some few moments, silent, -with her head bent down, as I have described. Then, she took the -Doctor's hand (he was sitting in the same attitude as when we had -entered the room), and pressed it to her breast, and kissed it. -Mr. Dick softly raised her; and she stood, when she began to speak, -leaning on him, and looking down upon her husband - from whom she -never turned her eyes. - -'All that has ever been in my mind, since I was married,' she said -in a low, submissive, tender voice, 'I will lay bare before you. -I could not live and have one reservation, knowing what I know -now.' - -'Nay, Annie,' said the Doctor, mildly, 'I have never doubted you, -my child. There is no need; indeed there is no need, my dear.' - -'There is great need,' she answered, in the same way, 'that I -should open my whole heart before the soul of generosity and truth, -whom, year by year, and day by day, I have loved and venerated more -and more, as Heaven knows!' - -'Really,' interrupted Mrs. Markleham, 'if I have any discretion at -all -' - -('Which you haven't, you Marplot,' observed my aunt, in an -indignant whisper.) - -- 'I must be permitted to observe that it cannot be requisite to -enter into these details.' - -'No one but my husband can judge of that, mama,' said Annie without -removing her eyes from his face, 'and he will hear me. If I say -anything to give you pain, mama, forgive me. I have borne pain -first, often and long, myself.' - -'Upon my word!' gasped Mrs. Markleham. - -'When I was very young,' said Annie, 'quite a little child, my -first associations with knowledge of any kind were inseparable from -a patient friend and teacher - the friend of my dead father - who -was always dear to me. I can remember nothing that I know, without -remembering him. He stored my mind with its first treasures, and -stamped his character upon them all. They never could have been, -I think, as good as they have been to me, if I had taken them from -any other hands.' - -'Makes her mother nothing!' exclaimed Mrs. Markleham. - -'Not so mama,' said Annie; 'but I make him what he was. I must do -that. As I grew up, he occupied the same place still. I was proud -of his interest: deeply, fondly, gratefully attached to him. I -looked up to him, I can hardly describe how - as a father, as a -guide, as one whose praise was different from all other praise, as -one in whom I could have trusted and confided, if I had doubted all -the world. You know, mama, how young and inexperienced I was, when -you presented him before me, of a sudden, as a lover.' - -'I have mentioned the fact, fifty times at least, to everybody -here!' said Mrs. Markleham. - -('Then hold your tongue, for the Lord's sake, and don't mention it -any more!' muttered my aunt.) - -'It was so great a change: so great a loss, I felt it, at first,' -said Annie, still preserving the same look and tone, 'that I was -agitated and distressed. I was but a girl; and when so great a -change came in the character in which I had so long looked up to -him, I think I was sorry. But nothing could have made him what he -used to be again; and I was proud that he should think me so -worthy, and we were married.' -'- At Saint Alphage, Canterbury,' observed Mrs. Markleham. - -('Confound the woman!' said my aunt, 'she WON'T be quiet!') - -'I never thought,' proceeded Annie, with a heightened colour, 'of -any worldly gain that my husband would bring to me. My young heart -had no room in its homage for any such poor reference. Mama, -forgive me when I say that it was you who first presented to my -mind the thought that anyone could wrong me, and wrong him, by such -a cruel suspicion.' - -'Me!' cried Mrs. Markleham. - -('Ah! You, to be sure!' observed my aunt, 'and you can't fan it -away, my military friend!') - -'It was the first unhappiness of my new life,' said Annie. 'It was -the first occasion of every unhappy moment I have known. These -moments have been more, of late, than I can count; but not - my -generous husband! - not for the reason you suppose; for in my heart -there is not a thought, a recollection, or a hope, that any power -could separate from you!' - -She raised her eyes, and clasped her hands, and looked as beautiful -and true, I thought, as any Spirit. The Doctor looked on her, -henceforth, as steadfastly as she on him. - -'Mama is blameless,' she went on, 'of having ever urged you for -herself, and she is blameless in intention every way, I am sure, - -but when I saw how many importunate claims were pressed upon you in -my name; how you were traded on in my name; how generous you were, -and how Mr. Wickfield, who had your welfare very much at heart, -resented it; the first sense of my exposure to the mean suspicion -that my tenderness was bought - and sold to you, of all men on -earth - fell upon me like unmerited disgrace, in which I forced you -to participate. I cannot tell you what it was - mama cannot -imagine what it was - to have this dread and trouble always on my -mind, yet know in my own soul that on my marriage-day I crowned the -love and honour of my life!' - -'A specimen of the thanks one gets,' cried Mrs. Markleham, in -tears, 'for taking care of one's family! I wish I was a Turk!' - -('I wish you were, with all my heart - and in your native country!' -said my aunt.) - -'It was at that time that mama was most solicitous about my Cousin -Maldon. I had liked him': she spoke softly, but without any -hesitation: 'very much. We had been little lovers once. If -circumstances had not happened otherwise, I might have come to -persuade myself that I really loved him, and might have married -him, and been most wretched. There can be no disparity in marriage -like unsuitability of mind and purpose.' - -I pondered on those words, even while I was studiously attending to -what followed, as if they had some particular interest, or some -strange application that I could not divine. 'There can be no -disparity in marriage like unsuitability of mind and purpose' -'no -disparity in marriage like unsuitability of mind and purpose.' - -'There is nothing,' said Annie, 'that we have in common. I have -long found that there is nothing. If I were thankful to my husband -for no more, instead of for so much, I should be thankful to him -for having saved me from the first mistaken impulse of my -undisciplined heart.' - -She stood quite still, before the Doctor, and spoke with an -earnestness that thrilled me. Yet her voice was just as quiet as -before. - -'When he was waiting to be the object of your munificence, so -freely bestowed for my sake, and when I was unhappy in the -mercenary shape I was made to wear, I thought it would have become -him better to have worked his own way on. I thought that if I had -been he, I would have tried to do it, at the cost of almost any -hardship. But I thought no worse of him, until the night of his -departure for India. That night I knew he had a false and -thankless heart. I saw a double meaning, then, in Mr. Wickfield's -scrutiny of me. I perceived, for the first time, the dark -suspicion that shadowed my life.' - -'Suspicion, Annie!' said the Doctor. 'No, no, no!' - -'In your mind there was none, I know, my husband!' she returned. -'And when I came to you, that night, to lay down all my load of -shame and grief, and knew that I had to tell that, underneath your -roof, one of my own kindred, to whom you had been a benefactor, for -the love of me, had spoken to me words that should have found no -utterance, even if I had been the weak and mercenary wretch he -thought me - my mind revolted from the taint the very tale -conveyed. It died upon my lips, and from that hour till now has -never passed them.' - -Mrs. Markleham, with a short groan, leaned back in her easy-chair; -and retired behind her fan, as if she were never coming out any -more. - -'I have never, but in your presence, interchanged a word with him -from that time; then, only when it has been necessary for the -avoidance of this explanation. Years have passed since he knew, -from me, what his situation here was. The kindnesses you have -secretly done for his advancement, and then disclosed to me, for my -surprise and pleasure, have been, you will believe, but -aggravations of the unhappiness and burden of my secret.' - -She sunk down gently at the Doctor's feet, though he did his utmost -to prevent her; and said, looking up, tearfully, into his face: - -'Do not speak to me yet! Let me say a little more! Right or -wrong, if this were to be done again, I think I should do just the -same. You never can know what it was to be devoted to you, with -those old associations; to find that anyone could be so hard as to -suppose that the truth of my heart was bartered away, and to be -surrounded by appearances confirming that belief. I was very -young, and had no adviser. Between mama and me, in all relating to -you, there was a wide division. If I shrunk into myself, hiding -the disrespect I had undergone, it was because I honoured you so -much, and so much wished that you should honour me!' - -'Annie, my pure heart!' said the Doctor, 'my dear girl!' - -'A little more! a very few words more! I used to think there were -so many whom you might have married, who would not have brought -such charge and trouble on you, and who would have made your home -a worthier home. I used to be afraid that I had better have -remained your pupil, and almost your child. I used to fear that I -was so unsuited to your learning and wisdom. If all this made me -shrink within myself (as indeed it did), when I had that to tell, -it was still because I honoured you so much, and hoped that you -might one day honour me.' - -'That day has shone this long time, Annie,' said the Doctor, and -can have but one long night, my dear.' - -'Another word! I afterwards meant - steadfastly meant, and -purposed to myself - to bear the whole weight of knowing the -unworthiness of one to whom you had been so good. And now a last -word, dearest and best of friends! The cause of the late change in -you, which I have seen with so much pain and sorrow, and have -sometimes referred to my old apprehension - at other times to -lingering suppositions nearer to the truth - has been made clear -tonight; and by an accident I have also come to know, tonight, the -full measure of your noble trust in me, even under that mistake. -I do not hope that any love and duty I may render in return, will -ever make me worthy of your priceless confidence; but with all this -knowledge fresh upon me, I can lift my eyes to this dear face, -revered as a father's, loved as a husband's, sacred to me in my -childhood as a friend's, and solemnly declare that in my lightest -thought I have never wronged you; never wavered in the love and the -fidelity I owe you!' - -She had her arms around the Doctor's neck, and he leant his head -down over her, mingling his grey hair with her dark brown tresses. - -'Oh, hold me to your heart, my husband! Never cast me out! Do not -think or speak of disparity between us, for there is none, except -in all my many imperfections. Every succeeding year I have known -this better, as I have esteemed you more and more. Oh, take me to -your heart, my husband, for my love was founded on a rock, and it -endures!' - -In the silence that ensued, my aunt walked gravely up to Mr. Dick, -without at all hurrying herself, and gave him a hug and a sounding -kiss. And it was very fortunate, with a view to his credit, that -she did so; for I am confident that I detected him at that moment -in the act of making preparations to stand on one leg, as an -appropriate expression of delight. - -'You are a very remarkable man, Dick!' said my aunt, with an air of -unqualified approbation; 'and never pretend to be anything else, -for I know better!' - -With that, my aunt pulled him by the sleeve, and nodded to me; and -we three stole quietly out of the room, and came away. - -'That's a settler for our military friend, at any rate,' said my -aunt, on the way home. 'I should sleep the better for that, if -there was nothing else to be glad of!' - -'She was quite overcome, I am afraid,' said Mr. Dick, with great -commiseration. - -'What! Did you ever see a crocodile overcome?' inquired my aunt. - -'I don't think I ever saw a crocodile,' returned Mr. Dick, mildly. - -'There never would have been anything the matter, if it hadn't been -for that old Animal,' said my aunt, with strong emphasis. 'It's -very much to be wished that some mothers would leave their -daughters alone after marriage, and not be so violently -affectionate. They seem to think the only return that can be made -them for bringing an unfortunate young woman into the world - God -bless my soul, as if she asked to be brought, or wanted to come! - -is full liberty to worry her out of it again. What are you -thinking of, Trot?' - -I was thinking of all that had been said. My mind was still -running on some of the expressions used. 'There can be no -disparity in marriage like unsuitability of mind and purpose.' -'The first mistaken impulse of an undisciplined heart.' 'My love -was founded on a rock.' But we were at home; and the trodden -leaves were lying under-foot, and the autumn wind was blowing. - - - -CHAPTER 46 -INTELLIGENCE - - -I must have been married, if I may trust to my imperfect memory for -dates, about a year or so, when one evening, as I was returning -from a solitary walk, thinking of the book I was then writing - for -my success had steadily increased with my steady application, and -I was engaged at that time upon my first work of fiction - I came -past Mrs. Steerforth's house. I had often passed it before, during -my residence in that neighbourhood, though never when I could -choose another road. Howbeit, it did sometimes happen that it was -not easy to find another, without making a long circuit; and so I -had passed that way, upon the whole, pretty often. - -I had never done more than glance at the house, as I went by with -a quickened step. It had been uniformly gloomy and dull. None of -the best rooms abutted on the road; and the narrow, heavily-framed -old-fashioned windows, never cheerful under any circumstances, -looked very dismal, close shut, and with their blinds always drawn -down. There was a covered way across a little paved court, to an -entrance that was never used; and there was one round staircase -window, at odds with all the rest, and the only one unshaded by a -blind, which had the same unoccupied blank look. I do not remember -that I ever saw a light in all the house. If I had been a casual -passer-by, I should have probably supposed that some childless -person lay dead in it. If I had happily possessed no knowledge of -the place, and had seen it often in that changeless state, I should -have pleased my fancy with many ingenious speculations, I dare say. - -As it was, I thought as little of it as I might. But my mind could -not go by it and leave it, as my body did; and it usually awakened -a long train of meditations. Coming before me, on this particular -evening that I mention, mingled with the childish recollections and -later fancies, the ghosts of half-formed hopes, the broken shadows -of disappointments dimly seen and understood, the blending of -experience and imagination, incidental to the occupation with which -my thoughts had been busy, it was more than commonly suggestive. -I fell into a brown study as I walked on, and a voice at my side -made me start. - -It was a woman's voice, too. I was not long in recollecting Mrs. -Steerforth's little parlour-maid, who had formerly worn blue -ribbons in her cap. She had taken them out now, to adapt herself, -I suppose, to the altered character of the house; and wore but one -or two disconsolate bows of sober brown. - -'If you please, sir, would you have the goodness to walk in, and -speak to Miss Dartle?' - -'Has Miss Dartle sent you for me?' I inquired. - -'Not tonight, sir, but it's just the same. Miss Dartle saw you -pass -a night or two ago; and I was to sit at work on the staircase, and -when I saw you pass again, to ask you to step in and speak to her.' - -I turned back, and inquired of my conductor, as we went along, how -Mrs. Steerforth was. She said her lady was but poorly, and kept -her own room a good deal. - -When we arrived at the house, I was directed to Miss Dartle in the -garden, and left to make my presence known to her myself. She was -sitting on a seat at one end of a kind of terrace, overlooking the -great city. It was a sombre evening, with a lurid light in the -sky; and as I saw the prospect scowling in the distance, with here -and there some larger object starting up into the sullen glare, I -fancied it was no inapt companion to the memory of this fierce -woman. - -She saw me as I advanced, and rose for a moment to receive me. I -thought her, then, still more colourless and thin than when I had -seen her last; the flashing eyes still brighter, and the scar still -plainer. - -Our meeting was not cordial. We had parted angrily on the last -occasion; and there was an air of disdain about her, which she took -no pains to conceal. - -'I am told you wish to speak to me, Miss Dartle,' said I, standing -near her, with my hand upon the back of the seat, and declining her -gesture of invitation to sit down. - -'If you please,' said she. 'Pray has this girl been found?' - -'No.' - -'And yet she has run away!' - -I saw her thin lips working while she looked at me, as if they were -eager to load her with reproaches. - -'Run away?' I repeated. - -'Yes! From him,' she said, with a laugh. 'If she is not found, -perhaps she never will be found. She may be dead!' - -The vaunting cruelty with which she met my glance, I never saw -expressed in any other face that ever I have seen. - -'To wish her dead,' said I, 'may be the kindest wish that one of -her own sex could bestow upon her. I am glad that time has -softened you so much, Miss Dartle.' - -She condescended to make no reply, but, turning on me with another -scornful laugh, said: - -'The friends of this excellent and much-injured young lady are -friends of yours. You are their champion, and assert their rights. -Do you wish to know what is known of her?' - -'Yes,' said I. - -She rose with an ill-favoured smile, and taking a few steps towards -a wall of holly that was near at hand, dividing the lawn from a -kitchen-garden, said, in a louder voice, 'Come here!' - as if she -were calling to some unclean beast. - -'You will restrain any demonstrative championship or vengeance in -this place, of course, Mr. Copperfield?' said she, looking over her -shoulder at me with the same expression. - -I inclined my head, without knowing what she meant; and she said, -'Come here!' again; and returned, followed by the respectable Mr. -Littimer, who, with undiminished respectability, made me a bow, and -took up his position behind her. The air of wicked grace: of -triumph, in which, strange to say, there was yet something feminine -and alluring: with which she reclined upon the seat between us, and -looked at me, was worthy of a cruel Princess in a Legend. - -'Now,' said she, imperiously, without glancing at him, and touching -the old wound as it throbbed: perhaps, in this instance, with -pleasure rather than pain. 'Tell Mr. Copperfield about the -flight.' - -'Mr. James and myself, ma'am -' - -'Don't address yourself to me!' she interrupted with a frown. - -'Mr. James and myself, sir -' - -'Nor to me, if you please,' said I. - -Mr. Littimer, without being at all discomposed, signified by a -slight obeisance, that anything that was most agreeable to us was -most agreeable to him; and began again. - -'Mr. James and myself have been abroad with the young woman, ever -since she left Yarmouth under Mr. james's protection. We have been -in a variety of places, and seen a deal of foreign country. We -have been in France, Switzerland, Italy, in fact, almost all -parts.' - -He looked at the back of the seat, as if he were addressing himself -to that; and softly played upon it with his hands, as if he were -striking chords upon a dumb piano. - -'Mr. James took quite uncommonly to the young woman; and was more -settled, for a length of time, than I have known him to be since I -have been in his service. The young woman was very improvable, and -spoke the languages; and wouldn't have been known for the same -country-person. I noticed that she was much admired wherever we -went.' - -Miss Dartle put her hand upon her side. I saw him steal a glance -at her, and slightly smile to himself. - -'Very much admired, indeed, the young woman was. What with her -dress; what with the air and sun; what with being made so much of; -what with this, that, and the other; her merits really attracted -general notice.' - -He made a short pause. Her eyes wandered restlessly over the -distant prospect, and she bit her nether lip to stop that busy -mouth. - -Taking his hands from the seat, and placing one of them within the -other, as he settled himself on one leg, Mr. Littimer proceeded, -with his eyes cast down, and his respectable head a little -advanced, and a little on one side: - -'The young woman went on in this manner for some time, being -occasionally low in her spirits, until I think she began to weary -Mr. James by giving way to her low spirits and tempers of that -kind; and things were not so comfortable. Mr. James he began to be -restless again. The more restless he got, the worse she got; and -I must say, for myself, that I had a very difficult time of it -indeed between the two. Still matters were patched up here, and -made good there, over and over again; and altogether lasted, I am -sure, for a longer time than anybody could have expected.' - -Recalling her eyes from the distance, she looked at me again now, -with her former air. Mr. Littimer, clearing his throat behind his -hand with a respectable short cough, changed legs, and went on: - -'At last, when there had been, upon the whole, a good many words -and reproaches, Mr. James he set off one morning, from the -neighbourhood of Naples, where we had a villa (the young woman -being very partial to the sea), and, under pretence of coming back -in a day or so, left it in charge with me to break it out, that, -for the general happiness of all concerned, he was' - here an -interruption of the short cough - 'gone. But Mr. James, I must -say, certainly did behave extremely honourable; for he proposed -that the young woman should marry a very respectable person, who -was fully prepared to overlook the past, and who was, at least, as -good as anybody the young woman could have aspired to in a regular -way: her connexions being very common.' - -He changed legs again, and wetted his lips. I was convinced that -the scoundrel spoke of himself, and I saw my conviction reflected -in Miss Dartle's face. - -'This I also had it in charge to communicate. I was willing to do -anything to relieve Mr. James from his difficulty, and to restore -harmony between himself and an affectionate parent, who has -undergone so much on his account. Therefore I undertook the -commission. The young woman's violence when she came to, after I -broke the fact of his departure, was beyond all expectations. She -was quite mad, and had to be held by force; or, if she couldn't -have got to a knife, or got to the sea, she'd have beaten her head -against the marble floor.' - -Miss Dartle, leaning back upon the seat, with a light of exultation -in her face, seemed almost to caress the sounds this fellow had -uttered. - -'But when I came to the second part of what had been entrusted to -me,' said Mr. Littimer, rubbing his hands uneasily, 'which anybody -might have supposed would have been, at all events, appreciated as -a kind intention, then the young woman came out in her true -colours. A more outrageous person I never did see. Her conduct -was surprisingly bad. She had no more gratitude, no more feeling, -no more patience, no more reason in her, than a stock or a stone. -If I hadn't been upon my guard, I am convinced she would have had -my blood.' - -'I think the better of her for it,' said I, indignantly. - -Mr. Littimer bent his head, as much as to say, 'Indeed, sir? But -you're young!' and resumed his narrative. - -'It was necessary, in short, for a time, to take away everything -nigh her, that she could do herself, or anybody else, an injury -with, and to shut her up close. Notwithstanding which, she got out -in the night; forced the lattice of a window, that I had nailed up -myself; dropped on a vine that was trailed below; and never has -been seen or heard of, to my knowledge, since.' - -'She is dead, perhaps,' said Miss Dartle, with a smile, as if she -could have spurned the body of the ruined girl. - -'She may have drowned herself, miss,' returned Mr. Littimer, -catching at an excuse for addressing himself to somebody. 'It's -very possible. Or, she may have had assistance from the boatmen, -and the boatmen's wives and children. Being given to low company, -she was very much in the habit of talking to them on the beach, -Miss Dartle, and sitting by their boats. I have known her do it, -when Mr. James has been away, whole days. Mr. James was far from -pleased to find out, once, that she had told the children she was -a boatman's daughter, and that in her own country, long ago, she -had roamed about the beach, like them.' - -Oh, Emily! Unhappy beauty! What a picture rose before me of her -sitting on the far-off shore, among the children like herself when -she was innocent, listening to little voices such as might have -called her Mother had she been a poor man's wife; and to the great -voice of the sea, with its eternal 'Never more!' - -'When it was clear that nothing could be done, Miss Dartle -' - -'Did I tell you not to speak to me?' she said, with stern contempt. - -'You spoke to me, miss,' he replied. 'I beg your pardon. But it -is my service to obey.' - -'Do your service,' she returned. 'Finish your story, and go!' - -'When it was clear,' he said, with infinite respectability and an -obedient bow, 'that she was not to be found, I went to Mr. James, -at the place where it had been agreed that I should write to him, -and informed him of what had occurred. Words passed between us in -consequence, and I felt it due to my character to leave him. I -could bear, and I have borne, a great deal from Mr. James; but he -insulted me too far. He hurt me. Knowing the unfortunate -difference between himself and his mother, and what her anxiety of -mind was likely to be, I took the liberty of coming home to -England, and relating -' - -'For money which I paid him,' said Miss Dartle to me. - -'Just so, ma'am - and relating what I knew. I am not aware,' said -Mr. Littimer, after a moment's reflection, 'that there is anything -else. I am at present out of employment, and should be happy to -meet with a respectable situation.' - -Miss Dartle glanced at me, as though she would inquire if there -were anything that I desired to ask. As there was something which -had occurred to my mind, I said in reply: - -'I could wish to know from this - creature,' I could not bring -myself to utter any more conciliatory word, 'whether they -intercepted a letter that was written to her from home, or whether -he supposes that she received it.' - -He remained calm and silent, with his eyes fixed on the ground, and -the tip of every finger of his right hand delicately poised against -the tip of every finger of his left. - -Miss Dartle turned her head disdainfully towards him. - -'I beg your pardon, miss,' he said, awakening from his abstraction, -'but, however submissive to you, I have my position, though a -servant. Mr. Copperfield and you, miss, are different people. If -Mr. Copperfield wishes to know anything from me, I take the liberty -of reminding Mr. Copperfield that he can put a question to me. I -have a character to maintain.' - -After a momentary struggle with myself, I turned my eyes upon him, -and said, 'You have heard my question. Consider it addressed to -yourself, if you choose. What answer do you make?' - -'Sir,' he rejoined, with an occasional separation and reunion of -those delicate tips, 'my answer must be qualified; because, to -betray Mr. james's confidence to his mother, and to betray it to -you, are two different actions. It is not probable, I consider, -that Mr. James would encourage the receipt of letters likely to -increase low spirits and unpleasantness; but further than that, -sir, I should wish to avoid going.' - -'Is that all?' inquired Miss Dartle of me. - -I indicated that I had nothing more to say. 'Except,' I added, as -I saw him moving off, 'that I understand this fellow's part in the -wicked story, and that, as I shall make it known to the honest man -who has been her father from her childhood, I would recommend him -to avoid going too much into public.' - -He had stopped the moment I began, and had listened with his usual -repose of manner. - -'Thank you, sir. But you'll excuse me if I say, sir, that there -are neither slaves nor slave-drivers in this country, and that -people are not allowed to take the law into their own hands. If -they do, it is more to their own peril, I believe, than to other -people's. Consequently speaking, I am not at all afraid of going -wherever I may wish, sir.' - -With that, he made a polite bow; and, with another to Miss Dartle, -went away through the arch in the wall of holly by which he had -come. Miss Dartle and I regarded each other for a little while in -silence; her manner being exactly what it was, when she had -produced the man. - -'He says besides,' she observed, with a slow curling of her lip, -'that his master, as he hears, is coasting Spain; and this done, is -away to gratify his seafaring tastes till he is weary. But this is -of no interest to you. Between these two proud persons, mother and -son, there is a wider breach than before, and little hope of its -healing, for they are one at heart, and time makes each more -obstinate and imperious. Neither is this of any interest to you; -but it introduces what I wish to say. This devil whom you make an -angel of. I mean this low girl whom he picked out of the -tide-mud,' with her black eyes full upon me, and her passionate -finger up, 'may be alive, - for I believe some common things are -hard to die. If she is, you will desire to have a pearl of such -price found and taken care of. We desire that, too; that he may -not by any chance be made her prey again. So far, we are united in -one interest; and that is why I, who would do her any mischief that -so coarse a wretch is capable of feeling, have sent for you to hear -what you have heard.' - -I saw, by the change in her face, that someone was advancing behind -me. It was Mrs. Steerforth, who gave me her hand more coldly than -of yore, and with an augmentation of her former stateliness of -manner, but still, I perceived - and I was touched by it - with an -ineffaceable remembrance of my old love for her son. She was -greatly altered. Her fine figure was far less upright, her -handsome face was deeply marked, and her hair was almost white. -But when she sat down on the seat, she was a handsome lady still; -and well I knew the bright eye with its lofty look, that had been -a light in my very dreams at school. - -'Is Mr. Copperfield informed of everything, Rosa?' - -'Yes.' - -'And has he heard Littimer himself?' - -'Yes; I have told him why you wished it.' -'You are a good girl. I have had some slight correspondence with -your former friend, sir,' addressing me, 'but it has not restored -his sense of duty or natural obligation. Therefore I have no other -object in this, than what Rosa has mentioned. If, by the course -which may relieve the mind of the decent man you brought here (for -whom I am sorry - I can say no more), my son may be saved from -again falling into the snares of a designing enemy, well!' - -She drew herself up, and sat looking straight before her, far away. - -'Madam,' I said respectfully, 'I understand. I assure you I am in -no danger of putting any strained construction on your motives. -But I must say, even to you, having known this injured family from -childhood, that if you suppose the girl, so deeply wronged, has not -been cruelly deluded, and would not rather die a hundred deaths -than take a cup of water from your son's hand now, you cherish a -terrible mistake.' - -'Well, Rosa, well!' said Mrs. Steerforth, as the other was about to -interpose, 'it is no matter. Let it be. You are married, sir, I -am told?' - -I answered that I had been some time married. - -'And are doing well? I hear little in the quiet life I lead, but -I understand you are beginning to be famous.' - -'I have been very fortunate,' I said, 'and find my name connected -with some praise.' - -'You have no mother?' - in a softened voice. - -'No.' - -'It is a pity,' she returned. 'She would have been proud of you. -Good night!' - -I took the hand she held out with a dignified, unbending air, and -it was as calm in mine as if her breast had been at peace. Her -pride could still its very pulses, it appeared, and draw the placid -veil before her face, through which she sat looking straight before -her on the far distance. - -As I moved away from them along the terrace, I could not help -observing how steadily they both sat gazing on the prospect, and -how it thickened and closed around them. Here and there, some -early lamps were seen to twinkle in the distant city; and in the -eastern quarter of the sky the lurid light still hovered. But, -from the greater part of the broad valley interposed, a mist was -rising like a sea, which, mingling with the darkness, made it seem -as if the gathering waters would encompass them. I have reason to -remember this, and think of it with awe; for before I looked upon -those two again, a stormy sea had risen to their feet. - -Reflecting on what had been thus told me, I felt it right that it -should be communicated to Mr. Peggotty. On the following evening -I went into London in quest of him. He was always wandering about -from place to place, with his one object of recovering his niece -before him; but was more in London than elsewhere. Often and -often, now, had I seen him in the dead of night passing along the -streets, searching, among the few who loitered out of doors at -those untimely hours, for what he dreaded to find. - -He kept a lodging over the little chandler's shop in Hungerford -Market, which I have had occasion to mention more than once, and -from which he first went forth upon his errand of mercy. Hither I -directed my walk. On making inquiry for him, I learned from the -people of the house that he had not gone out yet, and I should find -him in his room upstairs. - -He was sitting reading by a window in which he kept a few plants. -The room was very neat and orderly. I saw in a moment that it was -always kept prepared for her reception, and that he never went out -but he thought it possible he might bring her home. He had not -heard my tap at the door, and only raised his eyes when I laid my -hand upon his shoulder. - -'Mas'r Davy! Thankee, sir! thankee hearty, for this visit! Sit ye -down. You're kindly welcome, sir!' - -'Mr. Peggotty,' said I, taking the chair he handed me, 'don't -expect much! I have heard some news.' - -'Of Em'ly!' - -He put his hand, in a nervous manner, on his mouth, and turned -pale, as he fixed his eyes on mine. - -'It gives no clue to where she is; but she is not with him.' - -He sat down, looking intently at me, and listened in profound -silence to all I had to tell. I well remember the sense of -dignity, beauty even, with which the patient gravity of his face -impressed me, when, having gradually removed his eyes from mine, he -sat looking downward, leaning his forehead on his hand. He offered -no interruption, but remained throughout perfectly still. He -seemed to pursue her figure through the narrative, and to let every -other shape go by him, as if it were nothing. - -When I had done, he shaded his face, and continued silent. I -looked out of the window for a little while, and occupied myself -with the plants. - -'How do you fare to feel about it, Mas'r Davy?' he inquired at -length. - -'I think that she is living,' I replied. - -'I doen't know. Maybe the first shock was too rough, and in the -wildness of her art -! That there blue water as she used to speak -on. Could she have thowt o' that so many year, because it was to -be her grave!' - -He said this, musing, in a low, frightened voice; and walked across -the little room. - -'And yet,' he added, 'Mas'r Davy, I have felt so sure as she was -living - I have know'd, awake and sleeping, as it was so trew that -I should find her - I have been so led on by it, and held up by it -- that I doen't believe I can have been deceived. No! Em'ly's -alive!' - -He put his hand down firmly on the table, and set his sunburnt face -into a resolute expression. - -'My niece, Em'ly, is alive, sir!' he said, steadfastly. 'I doen't -know wheer it comes from, or how 'tis, but I am told as she's -alive!' - -He looked almost like a man inspired, as he said it. I waited for -a few moments, until he could give me his undivided attention; and -then proceeded to explain the precaution, that, it had occurred to -me last night, it would be wise to take. - -'Now, my dear friend -'I began. - -'Thankee, thankee, kind sir,' he said, grasping my hand in both of -his. - -'If she should make her way to London, which is likely - for where -could she lose herself so readily as in this vast city; and what -would she wish to do, but lose and hide herself, if she does not go -home? -' - -'And she won't go home,' he interposed, shaking his head -mournfully. 'If she had left of her own accord, she might; not as -It was, sir.' - -'If she should come here,' said I, 'I believe there is one person, -here, more likely to discover her than any other in the world. Do -you remember - hear what I say, with fortitude - think of your -great object! - do you remember Martha?' - -'Of our town?' - -I needed no other answer than his face. - -'Do you know that she is in London?' - -'I have seen her in the streets,' he answered, with a shiver. - -'But you don't know,' said I, 'that Emily was charitable to her, -with Ham's help, long before she fled from home. Nor, that, when -we met one night, and spoke together in the room yonder, over the -way, she listened at the door.' - -'Mas'r Davy!' he replied in astonishment. 'That night when it snew -so hard?' - -'That night. I have never seen her since. I went back, after -parting from you, to speak to her, but she was gone. I was -unwilling to mention her to you then, and I am now; but she is the -person of whom I speak, and with whom I think we should -communicate. Do you understand?' - -'Too well, sir,' he replied. We had sunk our voices, almost to a -whisper, and continued to speak in that tone. - -'You say you have seen her. Do you think that you could find her? -I could only hope to do so by chance.' - -'I think, Mas'r Davy, I know wheer to look.' - -'It is dark. Being together, shall we go out now, and try to find -her tonight?' - -He assented, and prepared to accompany me. Without appearing to -observe what he was doing, I saw how carefully he adjusted the -little room, put a candle ready and the means of lighting it, -arranged the bed, and finally took out of a drawer one of her -dresses (I remember to have seen her wear it), neatly folded with -some other garments, and a bonnet, which he placed upon a chair. -He made no allusion to these clothes, neither did I. There they -had been waiting for her, many and many a night, no doubt. - -'The time was, Mas'r Davy,' he said, as we came downstairs, 'when -I thowt this girl, Martha, a'most like the dirt underneath my -Em'ly's feet. God forgive me, theer's a difference now!' - -As we went along, partly to hold him in conversation, and partly to -satisfy myself, I asked him about Ham. He said, almost in the same -words as formerly, that Ham was just the same, 'wearing away his -life with kiender no care nohow for 't; but never murmuring, and -liked by all'. - -I asked him what he thought Ham's state of mind was, in reference -to the cause of their misfortunes? Whether he believed it was -dangerous? What he supposed, for example, Ham would do, if he and -Steerforth ever should encounter? - -'I doen't know, sir,' he replied. 'I have thowt of it oftentimes, -but I can't awize myself of it, no matters.' - -I recalled to his remembrance the morning after her departure, when -we were all three on the beach. 'Do you recollect,' said I, 'a -certain wild way in which he looked out to sea, and spoke about -"the end of it"?' - -'Sure I do!' said he. - -'What do you suppose he meant?' - -'Mas'r Davy,' he replied, 'I've put the question to myself a mort -o' times, and never found no answer. And theer's one curious thing -- that, though he is so pleasant, I wouldn't fare to feel -comfortable to try and get his mind upon 't. He never said a wured -to me as warn't as dootiful as dootiful could be, and it ain't -likely as he'd begin to speak any other ways now; but it's fur from -being fleet water in his mind, where them thowts lays. It's deep, -sir, and I can't see down.' - -'You are right,' said I, 'and that has sometimes made me anxious.' - -'And me too, Mas'r Davy,' he rejoined. 'Even more so, I do assure -you, than his ventersome ways, though both belongs to the -alteration in him. I doen't know as he'd do violence under any -circumstances, but I hope as them two may be kep asunders.' - -We had come, through Temple Bar, into the city. Conversing no more -now, and walking at my side, he yielded himself up to the one aim -of his devoted life, and went on, with that hushed concentration of -his faculties which would have made his figure solitary in a -multitude. We were not far from Blackfriars Bridge, when he turned -his head and pointed to a solitary female figure flitting along the -opposite side of the street. I knew it, readily, to be the figure -that we sought. - -We crossed the road, and were pressing on towards her, when it -occurred to me that she might be more disposed to feel a woman's -interest in the lost girl, if we spoke to her in a quieter place, -aloof from the crowd, and where we should be less observed. I -advised my companion, therefore, that we should not address her -yet, but follow her; consulting in this, likewise, an indistinct -desire I had, to know where she went. - -He acquiescing, we followed at a distance: never losing sight of -her, but never caring to come very near, as she frequently looked -about. Once, she stopped to listen to a band of music; and then we -stopped too. - -She went on a long way. Still we went on. It was evident, from -the manner in which she held her course, that she was going to some -fixed destination; and this, and her keeping in the busy streets, -and I suppose the strange fascination in the secrecy and mystery of -so following anyone, made me adhere to my first purpose. At length -she turned into a dull, dark street, where the noise and crowd were -lost; and I said, 'We may speak to her now'; and, mending our pace, -we went after her. - - -CHAPTER 47 -MARTHA - - -We were now down in Westminster. We had turned back to follow her, -having encountered her coming towards us; and Westminster Abbey was -the point at which she passed from the lights and noise of the -leading streets. She proceeded so quickly, when she got free of -the two currents of passengers setting towards and from the bridge, -that, between this and the advance she had of us when she struck -off, we were in the narrow water-side street by Millbank before we -came up with her. At that moment she crossed the road, as if to -avoid the footsteps that she heard so close behind; and, without -looking back, passed on even more rapidly. - -A glimpse of the river through a dull gateway, where some waggons -were housed for the night, seemed to arrest my feet. I touched my -companion without speaking, and we both forbore to cross after her, -and both followed on that opposite side of the way; keeping as -quietly as we could in the shadow of the houses, but keeping very -near her. - -There was, and is when I write, at the end of that low-lying -street, a dilapidated little wooden building, probably an obsolete -old ferry-house. Its position is just at that point where the -street ceases, and the road begins to lie between a row of houses -and the river. As soon as she came here, and saw the water, she -stopped as if she had come to her destination; and presently went -slowly along by the brink of the river, looking intently at it. - -All the way here, I had supposed that she was going to some house; -indeed, I had vaguely entertained the hope that the house might be -in some way associated with the lost girl. But that one dark -glimpse of the river, through the gateway, had instinctively -prepared me for her going no farther. - -The neighbourhood was a dreary one at that time; as oppressive, -sad, and solitary by night, as any about London. There were -neither wharves nor houses on the melancholy waste of road near the -great blank Prison. A sluggish ditch deposited its mud at the -prison walls. Coarse grass and rank weeds straggled over all the -marshy land in the vicinity. In one part, carcases of houses, -inauspiciously begun and never finished, rotted away. In another, -the ground was cumbered with rusty iron monsters of steam-boilers, -wheels, cranks, pipes, furnaces, paddles, anchors, diving-bells, -windmill-sails, and I know not what strange objects, accumulated by -some speculator, and grovelling in the dust, underneath which - -having sunk into the soil of their own weight in wet weather - they -had the appearance of vainly trying to hide themselves. The clash -and glare of sundry fiery Works upon the river-side, arose by night -to disturb everything except the heavy and unbroken smoke that -poured out of their chimneys. Slimy gaps and causeways, winding -among old wooden piles, with a sickly substance clinging to the -latter, like green hair, and the rags of last year's handbills -offering rewards for drowned men fluttering above high-water mark, -led down through the ooze and slush to the ebb-tide. There was a -story that one of the pits dug for the dead in the time of the -Great Plague was hereabout; and a blighting influence seemed to -have proceeded from it over the whole place. Or else it looked as -if it had gradually decomposed into that nightmare condition, out -of the overflowings of the polluted stream. - -As if she were a part of the refuse it had cast out, and left to -corruption and decay, the girl we had followed strayed down to the -river's brink, and stood in the midst of this night-picture, lonely -and still, looking at the water. - -There were some boats and barges astrand in the mud, and these -enabled us to come within a few yards of her without being seen. -I then signed to Mr. Peggotty to remain where he was, and emerged -from their shade to speak to her. I did not approach her solitary -figure without trembling; for this gloomy end to her determined -walk, and the way in which she stood, almost within the cavernous -shadow of the iron bridge, looking at the lights crookedly -reflected in the strong tide, inspired a dread within me. - -I think she was talking to herself. I am sure, although absorbed -in gazing at the water, that her shawl was off her shoulders, and -that she was muffling her hands in it, in an unsettled and -bewildered way, more like the action of a sleep-walker than a -waking person. I know, and never can forget, that there was that -in her wild manner which gave me no assurance but that she would -sink before my eyes, until I had her arm within my grasp. - -At the same moment I said 'Martha!' - -She uttered a terrified scream, and struggled with me with such -strength that I doubt if I could have held her alone. But a -stronger hand than mine was laid upon her; and when she raised her -frightened eyes and saw whose it was, she made but one more effort -and dropped down between us. We carried her away from the water to -where there were some dry stones, and there laid her down, crying -and moaning. In a little while she sat among the stones, holding -her wretched head with both her hands. - -'Oh, the river!' she cried passionately. 'Oh, the river!' - -'Hush, hush!' said I. 'Calm yourself.' - -But she still repeated the same words, continually exclaiming, 'Oh, -the river!' over and over again. - -'I know it's like me!' she exclaimed. 'I know that I belong to it. -I know that it's the natural company of such as I am! It comes from -country places, where there was once no harm in it - and it creeps -through the dismal streets, defiled and miserable - and it goes -away, like my life, to a great sea, that is always troubled - and -I feel that I must go with it!' -I have never known what despair was, except in the tone of those -words. - -'I can't keep away from it. I can't forget it. It haunts me day -and night. It's the only thing in all the world that I am fit for, -or that's fit for me. Oh, the dreadful river!' - -The thought passed through my mind that in the face of my -companion, as he looked upon her without speech or motion, I might -have read his niece's history, if I had known nothing of it. I -never saw, in any painting or reality, horror and compassion so -impressively blended. He shook as if he would have fallen; and his -hand - I touched it with my own, for his appearance alarmed me - -was deadly cold. - -'She is in a state of frenzy,' I whispered to him. 'She will speak -differently in a little time.' - -I don't know what he would have said in answer. He made some -motion with his mouth, and seemed to think he had spoken; but he -had only pointed to her with his outstretched hand. - -A new burst of crying came upon her now, in which she once more hid -her face among the stones, and lay before us, a prostrate image of -humiliation and ruin. Knowing that this state must pass, before we -could speak to her with any hope, I ventured to restrain him when -he would have raised her, and we stood by in silence until she -became more tranquil. - -'Martha,' said I then, leaning down, and helping her to rise - she -seemed to want to rise as if with the intention of going away, but -she was weak, and leaned against a boat. 'Do you know who this is, -who is with me?' - -She said faintly, 'Yes.' - -'Do you know that we have followed you a long way tonight?' - -She shook her head. She looked neither at him nor at me, but stood -in a humble attitude, holding her bonnet and shawl in one hand, -without appearing conscious of them, and pressing the other, -clenched, against her forehead. - -'Are you composed enough,' said I, 'to speak on the subject which -so interested you - I hope Heaven may remember it! - that snowy -night?' - -Her sobs broke out afresh, and she murmured some inarticulate -thanks to me for not having driven her away from the door. - -'I want to say nothing for myself,' she said, after a few moments. -'I am bad, I am lost. I have no hope at all. But tell him, sir,' -she had shrunk away from him, 'if you don't feel too hard to me to -do it, that I never was in any way the cause of his misfortune.' -'It has never been attributed to you,' I returned, earnestly -responding to her earnestness. - -'It was you, if I don't deceive myself,' she said, in a broken -voice, 'that came into the kitchen, the night she took such pity on -me; was so gentle to me; didn't shrink away from me like all the -rest, and gave me such kind help! Was it you, sir?' - -'It was,' said I. - -'I should have been in the river long ago,' she said, glancing at -it with a terrible expression, 'if any wrong to her had been upon -my mind. I never could have kept out of it a single winter's -night, if I had not been free of any share in that!' - -'The cause of her flight is too well understood,' I said. 'You are -innocent of any part in it, we thoroughly believe, - we know.' - -'Oh, I might have been much the better for her, if I had had a -better heart!' exclaimed the girl, with most forlorn regret; 'for -she was always good to me! She never spoke a word to me but what -was pleasant and right. Is it likely I would try to make her what -I am myself, knowing what I am myself, so well? When I lost -everything that makes life dear, the worst of all my thoughts was -that I was parted for ever from her!' - -Mr. Peggotty, standing with one hand on the gunwale of the boat, -and his eyes cast down, put his disengaged hand before his face. - -'And when I heard what had happened before that snowy night, from -some belonging to our town,' cried Martha, 'the bitterest thought -in all my mind was, that the people would remember she once kept -company with me, and would say I had corrupted her! When, Heaven -knows, I would have died to have brought back her good name!' - -Long unused to any self-control, the piercing agony of her remorse -and grief was terrible. - -'To have died, would not have been much - what can I say? - I -would have lived!' she cried. 'I would have lived to be old, in -the wretched streets - and to wander about, avoided, in the dark - -and to see the day break on the ghastly line of houses, and -remember how the same sun used to shine into my room, and wake me -once - I would have done even that, to save her!' - -Sinking on the stones, she took some in each hand, and clenched -them up, as if she would have ground them. She writhed into some -new posture constantly: stiffening her arms, twisting them before -her face, as though to shut out from her eyes the little light -there was, and drooping her head, as if it were heavy with -insupportable recollections. - -'What shall I ever do!' she said, fighting thus with her despair. -'How can I go on as I am, a solitary curse to myself, a living -disgrace to everyone I come near!' Suddenly she turned to my -companion. 'Stamp upon me, kill me! When she was your pride, you -would have thought I had done her harm if I had brushed against her -in the street. You can't believe - why should you? - a syllable -that comes out of my lips. It would be a burning shame upon you, -even now, if she and I exchanged a word. I don't complain. I -don't say she and I are alike - I know there is a long, long way -between us. I only say, with all my guilt and wretchedness upon my -head, that I am grateful to her from my soul, and love her. Oh, -don't think that all the power I had of loving anything is quite -worn out! Throw me away, as all the world does. Kill me for being -what I am, and having ever known her; but don't think that of me!' - -He looked upon her, while she made this supplication, in a wild -distracted manner; and, when she was silent, gently raised her. - -'Martha,' said Mr. Peggotty, 'God forbid as I should judge you. -Forbid as I, of all men, should do that, my girl! You doen't know -half the change that's come, in course of time, upon me, when you -think it likely. Well!' he paused a moment, then went on. 'You -doen't understand how 'tis that this here gentleman and me has -wished to speak to you. You doen't understand what 'tis we has -afore us. Listen now!' - -His influence upon her was complete. She stood, shrinkingly, -before him, as if she were afraid to meet his eyes; but her -passionate sorrow was quite hushed and mute. - -'If you heerd,' said Mr. Peggotty, 'owt of what passed between -Mas'r Davy and me, th' night when it snew so hard, you know as I -have been - wheer not - fur to seek my dear niece. My dear niece,' -he repeated steadily. 'Fur she's more dear to me now, Martha, than -she was dear afore.' - -She put her hands before her face; but otherwise remained quiet. - -'I have heerd her tell,' said Mr. Peggotty, 'as you was early left -fatherless and motherless, with no friend fur to take, in a rough -seafaring-way, their place. Maybe you can guess that if you'd had -such a friend, you'd have got into a way of being fond of him in -course of time, and that my niece was kiender daughter-like to me.' - -As she was silently trembling, he put her shawl carefully about -her, taking it up from the ground for that purpose. - -'Whereby,' said he, 'I know, both as she would go to the wureld's -furdest end with me, if she could once see me again; and that she -would fly to the wureld's furdest end to keep off seeing me. For -though she ain't no call to doubt my love, and doen't - and -doen't,' he repeated, with a quiet assurance of the truth of what -he said, 'there's shame steps in, and keeps betwixt us.' - -I read, in every word of his plain impressive way of delivering -himself, new evidence of his having thought of this one topic, in -every feature it presented. - -'According to our reckoning,' he proceeded, 'Mas'r Davy's here, and -mine, she is like, one day, to make her own poor solitary course to -London. We believe - Mas'r Davy, me, and all of us - that you are -as innocent of everything that has befell her, as the unborn child. -You've spoke of her being pleasant, kind, and gentle to you. Bless -her, I knew she was! I knew she always was, to all. You're -thankful to her, and you love her. Help us all you can to find -her, and may Heaven reward you!' - -She looked at him hastily, and for the first time, as if she were -doubtful of what he had said. - -'Will you trust me?' she asked, in a low voice of astonishment. - -'Full and free!' said Mr. Peggotty. - -'To speak to her, if I should ever find her; shelter her, if I have -any shelter to divide with her; and then, without her knowledge, -come to you, and bring you to her?' she asked hurriedly. - -We both replied together, 'Yes!' - -She lifted up her eyes, and solemnly declared that she would devote -herself to this task, fervently and faithfully. That she would -never waver in it, never be diverted from it, never relinquish it, -while there was any chance of hope. If she were not true to it, -might the object she now had in life, which bound her to something -devoid of evil, in its passing away from her, leave her more -forlorn and more despairing, if that were possible, than she had -been upon the river's brink that night; and then might all help, -human and Divine, renounce her evermore! - -She did not raise her voice above her breath, or address us, but -said this to the night sky; then stood profoundly quiet, looking at -the gloomy water. - -We judged it expedient, now, to tell her all we knew; which I -recounted at length. She listened with great attention, and with -a face that often changed, but had the same purpose in all its -varying expressions. Her eyes occasionally filled with tears, but -those she repressed. It seemed as if her spirit were quite -altered, and she could not be too quiet. - -She asked, when all was told, where we were to be communicated -with, if occasion should arise. Under a dull lamp in the road, I -wrote our two addresses on a leaf of my pocket-book, which I tore -out and gave to her, and which she put in her poor bosom. I asked -her where she lived herself. She said, after a pause, in no place -long. It were better not to know. - -Mr. Peggotty suggesting to me, in a whisper, what had already -occurred to myself, I took out my purse; but I could not prevail -upon her to accept any money, nor could I exact any promise from -her that she would do so at another time. I represented to her -that Mr. Peggotty could not be called, for one in his condition, -poor; and that the idea of her engaging in this search, while -depending on her own resources, shocked us both. She continued -steadfast. In this particular, his influence upon her was equally -powerless with mine. She gratefully thanked him but remained -inexorable. - -'There may be work to be got,' she said. 'I'll try.' - -'At least take some assistance,' I returned, 'until you have -tried.' - -'I could not do what I have promised, for money,' she replied. 'I -could not take it, if I was starving. To give me money would be to -take away your trust, to take away the object that you have given -me, to take away the only certain thing that saves me from the -river.' - -'In the name of the great judge,' said I, 'before whom you and all -of us must stand at His dread time, dismiss that terrible idea! We -can all do some good, if we will.' - -She trembled, and her lip shook, and her face was paler, as she -answered: - -'It has been put into your hearts, perhaps, to save a wretched -creature for repentance. I am afraid to think so; it seems too -bold. If any good should come of me, I might begin to hope; for -nothing but harm has ever come of my deeds yet. I am to be -trusted, for the first time in a long while, with my miserable -life, on account of what you have given me to try for. I know no -more, and I can say no more.' - -Again she repressed the tears that had begun to flow; and, putting -out her trembling hand, and touching Mr. Peggotty, as if there was -some healing virtue in him, went away along the desolate road. She -had been ill, probably for a long time. I observed, upon that -closer opportunity of observation, that she was worn and haggard, -and that her sunken eyes expressed privation and endurance. - -We followed her at a short distance, our way lying in the same -direction, until we came back into the lighted and populous -streets. I had such implicit confidence in her declaration, that -I then put it to Mr. Peggotty, whether it would not seem, in the -onset, like distrusting her, to follow her any farther. He being -of the same mind, and equally reliant on her, we suffered her to -take her own road, and took ours, which was towards Highgate. He -accompanied me a good part of the way; and when we parted, with a -prayer for the success of this fresh effort, there was a new and -thoughtful compassion in him that I was at no loss to interpret. - -It was midnight when I arrived at home. I had reached my own gate, -and was standing listening for the deep bell of St. Paul's, the -sound of which I thought had been borne towards me among the -multitude of striking clocks, when I was rather surprised to see -that the door of my aunt's cottage was open, and that a faint light -in the entry was shining out across the road. - -Thinking that my aunt might have relapsed into one of her old -alarms, and might be watching the progress of some imaginary -conflagration in the distance, I went to speak to her. It was with -very great surprise that I saw a man standing in her little garden. - -He had a glass and bottle in his hand, and was in the act of -drinking. I stopped short, among the thick foliage outside, for -the moon was up now, though obscured; and I recognized the man whom -I had once supposed to be a delusion of Mr. Dick's, and had once -encountered with my aunt in the streets of the city. - -He was eating as well as drinking, and seemed to eat with a hungry -appetite. He seemed curious regarding the cottage, too, as if it -were the first time he had seen it. After stooping to put the -bottle on the ground, he looked up at the windows, and looked -about; though with a covert and impatient air, as if he was anxious -to be gone. - -The light in the passage was obscured for a moment, and my aunt -came out. She was agitated, and told some money into his hand. I -heard it chink. - -'What's the use of this?' he demanded. - -'I can spare no more,' returned my aunt. - -'Then I can't go,' said he. 'Here! You may take it back!' - -'You bad man,' returned my aunt, with great emotion; 'how can you -use me so? But why do I ask? It is because you know how weak I -am! What have I to do, to free myself for ever of your visits, but -to abandon you to your deserts?' - -'And why don't you abandon me to my deserts?' said he. - -'You ask me why!' returned my aunt. 'What a heart you must have!' - -He stood moodily rattling the money, and shaking his head, until at -length he said: - -'Is this all you mean to give me, then?' - -'It is all I CAN give you,' said my aunt. 'You know I have had -losses, and am poorer than I used to be. I have told you so. -Having got it, why do you give me the pain of looking at you for -another moment, and seeing what you have become?' - -'I have become shabby enough, if you mean that,' he said. 'I lead -the life of an owl.' - -'You stripped me of the greater part of all I ever had,' said my -aunt. 'You closed my heart against the whole world, years and -years. You treated me falsely, ungratefully, and cruelly. Go, and -repent of it. Don't add new injuries to the long, long list of -injuries you have done me!' - -'Aye!' he returned. 'It's all very fine - Well! I must do the best -I can, for the present, I suppose.' - -In spite of himself, he appeared abashed by my aunt's indignant -tears, and came slouching out of the garden. Taking two or three -quick steps, as if I had just come up, I met him at the gate, and -went in as he came out. We eyed one another narrowly in passing, -and with no favour. - -'Aunt,' said I, hurriedly. 'This man alarming you again! Let me -speak to him. Who is he?' - -'Child,' returned my aunt, taking my arm, 'come in, and don't speak -to me for ten minutes.' - -We sat down in her little parlour. My aunt retired behind the -round green fan of former days, which was screwed on the back of a -chair, and occasionally wiped her eyes, for about a quarter of an -hour. Then she came out, and took a seat beside me. - -'Trot,' said my aunt, calmly, 'it's my husband.' - -'Your husband, aunt? I thought he had been dead!' - -'Dead to me,' returned my aunt, 'but living.' - -I sat in silent amazement. - -'Betsey Trotwood don't look a likely subject for the tender -passion,' said my aunt, composedly, 'but the time was, Trot, when -she believed in that man most entirely. When she loved him, Trot, -right well. When there was no proof of attachment and affection -that she would not have given him. He repaid her by breaking her -fortune, and nearly breaking her heart. So she put all that sort -of sentiment, once and for ever, in a grave, and filled it up, and -flattened it down.' - -'My dear, good aunt!' - -'I left him,' my aunt proceeded, laying her hand as usual on the -back of mine, 'generously. I may say at this distance of time, -Trot, that I left him generously. He had been so cruel to me, that -I might have effected a separation on easy terms for myself; but I -did not. He soon made ducks and drakes of what I gave him, sank -lower and lower, married another woman, I believe, became an -adventurer, a gambler, and a cheat. What he is now, you see. But -he was a fine-looking man when I married him,' said my aunt, with -an echo of her old pride and admiration in her tone; 'and I -believed him - I was a fool! - to be the soul of honour!' - -She gave my hand a squeeze, and shook her head. - -'He is nothing to me now, Trot- less than nothing. But, sooner -than have him punished for his offences (as he would be if he -prowled about in this country), I give him more money than I can -afford, at intervals when he reappears, to go away. I was a fool -when I married him; and I am so far an incurable fool on that -subject, that, for the sake of what I once believed him to be, I -wouldn't have even this shadow of my idle fancy hardly dealt with. -For I was in earnest, Trot, if ever a woman was.' - -MY aunt dismissed the matter with a heavy sigh, and smoothed her -dress. - -'There, my dear!' she said. 'Now you know the beginning, middle, -and end, and all about it. We won't mention the subject to one -another any more; neither, of course, will you mention it to -anybody else. This is my grumpy, frumpy story, and we'll keep it -to ourselves, Trot!' - - - -CHAPTER 48 -DOMESTIC - - -I laboured hard at my book, without allowing it to interfere with -the punctual discharge of my newspaper duties; and it came out and -was very successful. I was not stunned by the praise which sounded -in my ears, notwithstanding that I was keenly alive to it, and -thought better of my own performance, I have little doubt, than -anybody else did. It has always been in my observation of human -nature, that a man who has any good reason to believe in himself -never flourishes himself before the faces of other people in order -that they may believe in him. For this reason, I retained my -modesty in very self-respect; and the more praise I got, the more -I tried to deserve. - -It is not my purpose, in this record, though in all other -essentials it is my written memory, to pursue the history of my own -fictions. They express themselves, and I leave them to themselves. -When I refer to them, incidentally, it is only as a part of my -progress. - -Having some foundation for believing, by this time, that nature and -accident had made me an author, I pursued my vocation with -confidence. Without such assurance I should certainly have left it -alone, and bestowed my energy on some other endeavour. I should -have tried to find out what nature and accident really had made me, -and to be that, and nothing else. -I had been writing, in the newspaper and elsewhere, so -prosperously, that when my new success was achieved, I considered -myself reasonably entitled to escape from the dreary debates. One -joyful night, therefore, I noted down the music of the -parliamentary bagpipes for the last time, and I have never heard it -since; though I still recognize the old drone in the newspapers, -without any substantial variation (except, perhaps, that there is -more of it), all the livelong session. - -I now write of the time when I had been married, I suppose, about -a year and a half. After several varieties of experiment, we had -given up the housekeeping as a bad job. The house kept itself, and -we kept a page. The principal function of this retainer was to -quarrel with the cook; in which respect he was a perfect -Whittington, without his cat, or the remotest chance of being made -Lord Mayor. - -He appears to me to have lived in a hail of saucepan-lids. His -whole existence was a scuffle. He would shriek for help on the -most improper occasions, - as when we had a little dinner-party, or -a few friends in the evening, - and would come tumbling out of the -kitchen, with iron missiles flying after him. We wanted to get rid -of him, but he was very much attached to us, and wouldn't go. He -was a tearful boy, and broke into such deplorable lamentations, -when a cessation of our connexion was hinted at, that we were -obliged to keep him. He had no mother - no anything in the way of -a relative, that I could discover, except a sister, who fled to -America the moment we had taken him off her hands; and he became -quartered on us like a horrible young changeling. He had a lively -perception of his own unfortunate state, and was always rubbing his -eyes with the sleeve of his jacket, or stooping to blow his nose on -the extreme corner of a little pocket-handkerchief, which he never -would take completely out of his pocket, but always economized and -secreted. - -This unlucky page, engaged in an evil hour at six pounds ten per -annum, was a source of continual trouble to me. I watched him as -he grew - and he grew like scarlet beans - with painful -apprehensions of the time when he would begin to shave; even of the -days when he would be bald or grey. I saw no prospect of ever -getting rid of him; and, projecting myself into the future, used to -think what an inconvenience he would be when he was an old man. - -I never expected anything less, than this unfortunate's manner of -getting me out of my difficulty. He stole Dora's watch, which, -like everything else belonging to us, had no particular place of -its own; and, converting it into money, spent the produce (he was -always a weak-minded boy) in incessantly riding up and down between -London and Uxbridge outside the coach. He was taken to Bow Street, -as well as I remember, on the completion of his fifteenth journey; -when four-and-sixpence, and a second-hand fife which he couldn't -play, were found upon his person. - -The surprise and its consequences would have been much less -disagreeable to me if he had not been penitent. But he was very -penitent indeed, and in a peculiar way - not in the lump, but by -instalments. For example: the day after that on which I was -obliged to appear against him, he made certain revelations touching -a hamper in the cellar, which we believed to be full of wine, but -which had nothing in it except bottles and corks. We supposed he -had now eased his mind, and told the worst he knew of the cook; -but, a day or two afterwards, his conscience sustained a new -twinge, and he disclosed how she had a little girl, who, early -every morning, took away our bread; and also how he himself had -been suborned to maintain the milkman in coals. In two or three -days more, I was informed by the authorities of his having led to -the discovery of sirloins of beef among the kitchen-stuff, and -sheets in the rag-bag. A little while afterwards, he broke out in -an entirely new direction, and confessed to a knowledge of -burglarious intentions as to our premises, on the part of the -pot-boy, who was immediately taken up. I got to be so ashamed of -being such a victim, that I would have given him any money to hold -his tongue, or would have offered a round bribe for his being -permitted to run away. It was an aggravating circumstance in the -case that he had no idea of this, but conceived that he was making -me amends in every new discovery: not to say, heaping obligations -on my head. - -At last I ran away myself, whenever I saw an emissary of the police -approaching with some new intelligence; and lived a stealthy life -until he was tried and ordered to be transported. Even then he -couldn't be quiet, but was always writing us letters; and wanted so -much to see Dora before he went away, that Dora went to visit him, -and fainted when she found herself inside the iron bars. In short, -I had no peace of my life until he was expatriated, and made (as I -afterwards heard) a shepherd of, 'up the country' somewhere; I have -no geographical idea where. - -All this led me into some serious reflections, and presented our -mistakes in a new aspect; as I could not help communicating to Dora -one evening, in spite of my tenderness for her. - -'My love,' said I, 'it is very painful to me to think that our want -of system and management, involves not only ourselves (which we -have got used to), but other people.' - -'You have been silent for a long time, and now you are going to be -cross!' said Dora. - -'No, my dear, indeed! Let me explain to you what I mean.' - -'I think I don't want to know,' said Dora. - -'But I want you to know, my love. Put Jip down.' - -Dora put his nose to mine, and said 'Boh!' to drive my seriousness -away; but, not succeeding, ordered him into his Pagoda, and sat -looking at me, with her hands folded, and a most resigned little -expression of countenance. - -'The fact is, my dear,' I began, 'there is contagion in us. We -infect everyone about us.' - -I might have gone on in this figurative manner, if Dora's face had -not admonished me that she was wondering with all her might whether -I was going to propose any new kind of vaccination, or other -medical remedy, for this unwholesome state of ours. Therefore I -checked myself, and made my meaning plainer. - -'It is not merely, my pet,' said I, 'that we lose money and -comfort, and even temper sometimes, by not learning to be more -careful; but that we incur the serious responsibility of spoiling -everyone who comes into our service, or has any dealings with us. -I begin to be afraid that the fault is not entirely on one side, -but that these people all turn out ill because we don't turn out -very well ourselves.' - -'Oh, what an accusation,' exclaimed Dora, opening her eyes wide; -'to say that you ever saw me take gold watches! Oh!' - -'My dearest,' I remonstrated, 'don't talk preposterous nonsense! -Who has made the least allusion to gold watches?' - -'You did,' returned Dora. 'You know you did. You said I hadn't -turned out well, and compared me to him.' - -'To whom?' I asked. - -'To the page,' sobbed Dora. 'Oh, you cruel fellow, to compare your -affectionate wife to a transported page! Why didn't you tell me -your opinion of me before we were married? Why didn't you say, you -hard-hearted thing, that you were convinced I was worse than a -transported page? Oh, what a dreadful opinion to have of me! Oh, -my goodness!' - -'Now, Dora, my love,' I returned, gently trying to remove the -handkerchief she pressed to her eyes, 'this is not only very -ridiculous of you, but very wrong. In the first place, it's not -true.' - -'You always said he was a story-teller,' sobbed Dora. 'And now you -say the same of me! Oh, what shall I do! What shall I do!' - -'My darling girl,' I retorted, 'I really must entreat you to be -reasonable, and listen to what I did say, and do say. My dear -Dora, unless we learn to do our duty to those whom we employ, they -will never learn to do their duty to us. I am afraid we present -opportunities to people to do wrong, that never ought to be -presented. Even if we were as lax as we are, in all our -arrangements, by choice - which we are not - even if we liked it, -and found it agreeable to be so - which we don't - I am persuaded -we should have no right to go on in this way. We are positively -corrupting people. We are bound to think of that. I can't help -thinking of it, Dora. It is a reflection I am unable to dismiss, -and it sometimes makes me very uneasy. There, dear, that's all. -Come now. Don't be foolish!' - -Dora would not allow me, for a long time, to remove the -handkerchief. She sat sobbing and murmuring behind it, that, if I -was uneasy, why had I ever been married? Why hadn't I said, even -the day before we went to church, that I knew I should be uneasy, -and I would rather not? If I couldn't bear her, why didn't I send -her away to her aunts at Putney, or to Julia Mills in India? Julia -would be glad to see her, and would not call her a transported -page; Julia never had called her anything of the sort. In short, -Dora was so afflicted, and so afflicted me by being in that -condition, that I felt it was of no use repeating this kind of -effort, though never so mildly, and I must take some other course. - -What other course was left to take? To 'form her mind'? This was -a common phrase of words which had a fair and promising sound, and -I resolved to form Dora's mind. - -I began immediately. When Dora was very childish, and I would have -infinitely preferred to humour her, I tried to be grave - and -disconcerted her, and myself too. I talked to her on the subjects -which occupied my thoughts; and I read Shakespeare to her - and -fatigued her to the last degree. I accustomed myself to giving -her, as it were quite casually, little scraps of useful -information, or sound opinion - and she started from them when I -let them off, as if they had been crackers. No matter how -incidentally or naturally I endeavoured to form my little wife's -mind, I could not help seeing that she always had an instinctive -perception of what I was about, and became a prey to the keenest -apprehensions. In particular, it was clear to me, that she thought -Shakespeare a terrible fellow. The formation went on very slowly. - -I pressed Traddles into the service without his knowledge; and -whenever he came to see us, exploded my mines upon him for the -edification of Dora at second hand. The amount of practical wisdom -I bestowed upon Traddles in this manner was immense, and of the -best quality; but it had no other effect upon Dora than to depress -her spirits, and make her always nervous with the dread that it -would be her turn next. I found myself in the condition of a -schoolmaster, a trap, a pitfall; of always playing spider to Dora's -fly, and always pouncing out of my hole to her infinite -disturbance. - -Still, looking forward through this intermediate stage, to the time -when there should be a perfect sympathy between Dora and me, and -when I should have 'formed her mind' to my entire satisfaction, I -persevered, even for months. Finding at last, however, that, -although I had been all this time a very porcupine or hedgehog, -bristling all over with determination, I had effected nothing, it -began to occur to me that perhaps Dora's mind was already formed. - -On further consideration this appeared so likely, that I abandoned -my scheme, which had had a more promising appearance in words than -in action; resolving henceforth to be satisfied with my child-wife, -and to try to change her into nothing else by any process. I was -heartily tired of being sagacious and prudent by myself, and of -seeing my darling under restraint; so I bought a pretty pair of -ear-rings for her, and a collar for Jip, and went home one day to -make myself agreeable. - -Dora was delighted with the little presents, and kissed me -joyfully; but there was a shadow between us, however slight, and I -had made up my mind that it should not be there. If there must be -such a shadow anywhere, I would keep it for the future in my own -breast. - -I sat down by my wife on the sofa, and put the ear-rings in her -ears; and then I told her that I feared we had not been quite as -good company lately, as we used to be, and that the fault was mine. -Which I sincerely felt, and which indeed it was. - -'The truth is, Dora, my life,' I said; 'I have been trying to be -wise.' - -'And to make me wise too,' said Dora, timidly. 'Haven't you, -Doady?' - -I nodded assent to the pretty inquiry of the raised eyebrows, and -kissed the parted lips. - -'It's of not a bit of use,' said Dora, shaking her head, until the -ear-rings rang again. 'You know what a little thing I am, and what -I wanted you to call me from the first. If you can't do so, I am -afraid you'll never like me. Are you sure you don't think, -sometimes, it would have been better to have -' - -'Done what, my dear?' For she made no effort to proceed. - -'Nothing!' said Dora. - -'Nothing?' I repeated. - -She put her arms round my neck, and laughed, and called herself by -her favourite name of a goose, and hid her face on my shoulder in -such a profusion of curls that it was quite a task to clear them -away and see it. - -'Don't I think it would have been better to have done nothing, than -to have tried to form my little wife's mind?' said I, laughing at -myself. 'Is that the question? Yes, indeed, I do.' - -'Is that what you have been trying?' cried Dora. 'Oh what a -shocking boy!' - -'But I shall never try any more,' said I. 'For I love her dearly -as she is.' - -'Without a story - really?' inquired Dora, creeping closer to me. - -'Why should I seek to change,' said I, 'what has been so precious -to me for so long! You never can show better than as your own -natural self, my sweet Dora; and we'll try no conceited -experiments, but go back to our old way, and be happy.' - -'And be happy!' returned Dora. 'Yes! All day! And you won't mind -things going a tiny morsel wrong, sometimes?' - -'No, no,' said I. 'We must do the best we can.' - -'And you won't tell me, any more, that we make other people bad,' -coaxed Dora; 'will you? Because you know it's so dreadfully -cross!' - -'No, no,' said I. - -'It's better for me to be stupid than uncomfortable, isn't it?' -said Dora. - -'Better to be naturally Dora than anything else in the world.' - -'In the world! Ah, Doady, it's a large place!' - -She shook her head, turned her delighted bright eyes up to mine, -kissed me, broke into a merry laugh, and sprang away to put on -Jip's new collar. - -So ended my last attempt to make any change in Dora. I had been -unhappy in trying it; I could not endure my own solitary wisdom; I -could not reconcile it with her former appeal to me as my -child-wife. I resolved to do what I could, in a quiet way, to -improve our proceedings myself, but I foresaw that my utmost would -be very little, or I must degenerate into the spider again, and be -for ever lying in wait. - -And the shadow I have mentioned, that was not to be between us any -more, but was to rest wholly on my own heart? How did that fall? - -The old unhappy feeling pervaded my life. It was deepened, if it -were changed at all; but it was as undefined as ever, and addressed -me like a strain of sorrowful music faintly heard in the night. I -loved my wife dearly, and I was happy; but the happiness I had -vaguely anticipated, once, was not the happiness I enjoyed, and -there was always something wanting. - -In fulfilment of the compact I have made with myself, to reflect my -mind on this paper, I again examine it, closely, and bring its -secrets to the light. What I missed, I still regarded - I always -regarded - as something that had been a dream of my youthful fancy; -that was incapable of realization; that I was now discovering to be -so, with some natural pain, as all men did. But that it would have -been better for me if my wife could have helped me more, and shared -the many thoughts in which I had no partner; and that this might -have been; I knew. - -Between these two irreconcilable conclusions: the one, that what I -felt was general and unavoidable; the other, that it was particular -to me, and might have been different: I balanced curiously, with no -distinct sense of their opposition to each other. When I thought -of the airy dreams of youth that are incapable of realization, I -thought of the better state preceding manhood that I had outgrown; -and then the contented days with Agnes, in the dear old house, -arose before me, like spectres of the dead, that might have some -renewal in another world, but never more could be reanimated here. - -Sometimes, the speculation came into my thoughts, What might have -happened, or what would have happened, if Dora and I had never -known each other? But she was so incorporated with my existence, -that it was the idlest of all fancies, and would soon rise out of -my reach and sight, like gossamer floating in the air. - -I always loved her. What I am describing, slumbered, and half -awoke, and slept again, in the innermost recesses of my mind. -There was no evidence of it in me; I know of no influence it had in -anything I said or did. I bore the weight of all our little cares, -and all my projects; Dora held the pens; and we both felt that our -shares were adjusted as the case required. She was truly fond of -me, and proud of me; and when Agnes wrote a few earnest words in -her letters to Dora, of the pride and interest with which my old -friends heard of my growing reputation, and read my book as if they -heard me speaking its contents, Dora read them out to me with tears -of joy in her bright eyes, and said I was a dear old clever, famous -boy. - -'The first mistaken impulse of an undisciplined heart.' Those -words of Mrs. Strong's were constantly recurring to me, at this -time; were almost always present to my mind. I awoke with them, -often, in the night; I remember to have even read them, in dreams, -inscribed upon the walls of houses. For I knew, now, that my own -heart was undisciplined when it first loved Dora; and that if it -had been disciplined, it never could have felt, when we were -married, what it had felt in its secret experience. - -'There can be no disparity in marriage, like unsuitability of mind -and purpose.' Those words I remembered too. I had endeavoured to -adapt Dora to myself, and found it impracticable. It remained for -me to adapt myself to Dora; to share with her what I could, and be -happy; to bear on my own shoulders what I must, and be happy still. -This was the discipline to which I tried to bring my heart, when I -began to think. It made my second year much happier than my first; -and, what was better still, made Dora's life all sunshine. - -But, as that year wore on, Dora was not strong. I had hoped that -lighter hands than mine would help to mould her character, and that -a baby-smile upon her breast might change my child-wife to a woman. -It was not to be. The spirit fluttered for a moment on the -threshold of its little prison, and, unconscious of captivity, took -wing. - -'When I can run about again, as I used to do, aunt,' said Dora, 'I -shall make Jip race. He is getting quite slow and lazy.' - -'I suspect, my dear,' said my aunt quietly working by her side, 'he -has a worse disorder than that. Age, Dora.' - -'Do you think he is old?' said Dora, astonished. 'Oh, how strange -it seems that Jip should be old!' - -'It's a complaint we are all liable to, Little One, as we get on in -life,' said my aunt, cheerfully; 'I don't feel more free from it -than I used to be, I assure you.' - -'But Jip,' said Dora, looking at him with compassion, 'even little -Jip! Oh, poor fellow!' - -'I dare say he'll last a long time yet, Blossom,' said my aunt, -patting Dora on the cheek, as she leaned out of her couch to look -at Jip, who responded by standing on his hind legs, and baulking -himself in various asthmatic attempts to scramble up by the head -and shoulders. 'He must have a piece of flannel in his house this -winter, and I shouldn't wonder if he came out quite fresh again, -with the flowers in the spring. Bless the little dog!' exclaimed -my aunt, 'if he had as many lives as a cat, and was on the point of -losing 'em all, he'd bark at me with his last breath, I believe!' - -Dora had helped him up on the sofa; where he really was defying my -aunt to such a furious extent, that he couldn't keep straight, but -barked himself sideways. The more my aunt looked at him, the more -he reproached her; for she had lately taken to spectacles, and for -some inscrutable reason he considered the glasses personal. - -Dora made him lie down by her, with a good deal of persuasion; and -when he was quiet, drew one of his long ears through and through -her hand, repeating thoughtfully, 'Even little Jip! Oh, poor -fellow!' - -'His lungs are good enough,' said my aunt, gaily, 'and his dislikes -are not at all feeble. He has a good many years before him, no -doubt. But if you want a dog to race with, Little Blossom, he has -lived too well for that, and I'll give you one.' - -'Thank you, aunt,' said Dora, faintly. 'But don't, please!' - -'No?' said my aunt, taking off her spectacles. - -'I couldn't have any other dog but Jip,' said Dora. 'It would be -so unkind to Jip! Besides, I couldn't be such friends with any -other dog but Jip; because he wouldn't have known me before I was -married, and wouldn't have barked at Doady when he first came to -our house. I couldn't care for any other dog but Jip, I am afraid, -aunt.' - -'To be sure!' said my aunt, patting her cheek again. 'You are -right.' - -'You are not offended,' said Dora. 'Are you?' - -'Why, what a sensitive pet it is!' cried my aunt, bending over her -affectionately. 'To think that I could be offended!' - -'No, no, I didn't really think so,' returned Dora; 'but I am a -little tired, and it made me silly for a moment - I am always a -silly little thing, you know, but it made me more silly - to talk -about Jip. He has known me in all that has happened to me, haven't -you, Jip? And I couldn't bear to slight him, because he was a -little altered - could I, Jip?' - -Jip nestled closer to his mistress, and lazily licked her hand. - -'You are not so old, Jip, are you, that you'll leave your mistress -yet?' said Dora. 'We may keep one another company a little -longer!' - -My pretty Dora! When she came down to dinner on the ensuing Sunday, -and was so glad to see old Traddles (who always dined with us on -Sunday), we thought she would be 'running about as she used to do', -in a few days. But they said, wait a few days more; and then, wait -a few days more; and still she neither ran nor walked. She looked -very pretty, and was very merry; but the little feet that used to -be so nimble when they danced round Jip, were dull and motionless. - -I began to carry her downstairs every morning, and upstairs every -night. She would clasp me round the neck and laugh, the while, as -if I did it for a wager. Jip would bark and caper round us, and go -on before, and look back on the landing, breathing short, to see -that we were coming. My aunt, the best and most cheerful of -nurses, would trudge after us, a moving mass of shawls and pillows. -Mr. Dick would not have relinquished his post of candle-bearer to -anyone alive. Traddles would be often at the bottom of the -staircase, looking on, and taking charge of sportive messages from -Dora to the dearest girl in the world. We made quite a gay -procession of it, and my child-wife was the gayest there. - -But, sometimes, when I took her up, and felt that she was lighter -in my arms, a dead blank feeling came upon me, as if I were -approaching to some frozen region yet unseen, that numbed my life. -I avoided the recognition of this feeling by any name, or by any -communing with myself; until one night, when it was very strong -upon me, and my aunt had left her with a parting cry of 'Good -night, Little Blossom,' I sat down at my desk alone, and cried to -think, Oh what a fatal name it was, and how the blossom withered in -its bloom upon the tree! - - -CHAPTER 49 -I AM INVOLVED IN MYSTERY - - -I received one morning by the post, the following letter, dated -Canterbury, and addressed to me at Doctor's Commons; which I read -with some surprise: - - -'MY DEAR SIR, - -'Circumstances beyond my individual control have, for a -considerable lapse of time, effected a severance of that intimacy -which, in the limited opportunities conceded to me in the midst of -my professional duties, of contemplating the scenes and events of -the past, tinged by the prismatic hues of memory, has ever afforded -me, as it ever must continue to afford, gratifying emotions of no -common description. This fact, my dear sir, combined with the -distinguished elevation to which your talents have raised you, -deters me from presuming to aspire to the liberty of addressing the -companion of my youth, by the familiar appellation of Copperfield! -It is sufficient to know that the name to which I do myself the -honour to refer, will ever be treasured among the muniments of our -house (I allude to the archives connected with our former lodgers, -preserved by Mrs. Micawber), with sentiments of personal esteem -amounting to affection. - -'It is not for one, situated, through his original errors and a -fortuitous combination of unpropitious events, as is the foundered -Bark (if he may be allowed to assume so maritime a denomination), -who now takes up the pen to address you - it is not, I repeat, for -one so circumstanced, to adopt the language of compliment, or of -congratulation. That he leaves to abler and to purer hands. - -'If your more important avocations should admit of your ever -tracing these imperfect characters thus far - which may be, or may -not be, as circumstances arise - you will naturally inquire by what -object am I influenced, then, in inditing the present missive? -Allow me to say that I fully defer to the reasonable character of -that inquiry, and proceed to develop it; premising that it is not -an object of a pecuniary nature. - -'Without more directly referring to any latent ability that may -possibly exist on my part, of wielding the thunderbolt, or -directing the devouring and avenging flame in any quarter, I may be -permitted to observe, in passing, that my brightest visions are for -ever dispelled - that my peace is shattered and my power of -enjoyment destroyed - that my heart is no longer in the right place -- and that I no more walk erect before my fellow man. The canker -is in the flower. The cup is bitter to the brim. The worm is at -his work, and will soon dispose of his victim. The sooner the -better. But I will not digress. -'Placed in a mental position of peculiar painfulness, beyond the -assuaging reach even of Mrs. Micawber's influence, though exercised -in the tripartite character of woman, wife, and mother, it is my -intention to fly from myself for a short period, and devote a -respite of eight-and-forty hours to revisiting some metropolitan -scenes of past enjoyment. Among other havens of domestic -tranquillity and peace of mind, my feet will naturally tend towards -the King's Bench Prison. In stating that I shall be (D. V.) on the -outside of the south wall of that place of incarceration on civil -process, the day after tomorrow, at seven in the evening, -precisely, my object in this epistolary communication is -accomplished. - -'I do not feel warranted in soliciting my former friend Mr. -Copperfield, or my former friend Mr. Thomas Traddles of the Inner -Temple, if that gentleman is still existent and forthcoming, to -condescend to meet me, and renew (so far as may be) our past -relations of the olden time. I confine myself to throwing out the -observation, that, at the hour and place I have indicated, may be -found such ruined vestiges as yet - 'Remain, - 'Of - 'A - 'Fallen Tower, - 'WILKINS MICAWBER. - -'P.S. It may be advisable to superadd to the above, the statement -that Mrs. Micawber is not in confidential possession of my -intentions.' - - -I read the letter over several times. Making due allowance for Mr. -Micawber's lofty style of composition, and for the extraordinary -relish with which he sat down and wrote long letters on all -possible and impossible occasions, I still believed that something -important lay hidden at the bottom of this roundabout -communication. I put it down, to think about it; and took it up -again, to read it once more; and was still pursuing it, when -Traddles found me in the height of my perplexity. - -'My dear fellow,' said I, 'I never was better pleased to see you. -You come to give me the benefit of your sober judgement at a most -opportune time. I have received a very singular letter, Traddles, -from Mr. Micawber.' - -'No?' cried Traddles. 'You don't say so? And I have received one -from Mrs. Micawber!' - -With that, Traddles, who was flushed with walking, and whose hair, -under the combined effects of exercise and excitement, stood on end -as if he saw a cheerful ghost, produced his letter and made an -exchange with me. I watched him into the heart of Mr. Micawber's -letter, and returned the elevation of eyebrows with which he said -"'Wielding the thunderbolt, or directing the devouring and avenging -flame!" Bless me, Copperfield!'- and then entered on the perusal of -Mrs. Micawber's epistle. - -It ran thus: - - -'My best regards to Mr. Thomas Traddles, and if he should still -remember one who formerly had the happiness of being well -acquainted with him, may I beg a few moments of his leisure time? -I assure Mr. T. T. that I would not intrude upon his kindness, were -I in any other position than on the confines of distraction. - -'Though harrowing to myself to mention, the alienation of Mr. -Micawber (formerly so domesticated) from his wife and family, is -the cause of my addressing my unhappy appeal to Mr. Traddles, and -soliciting his best indulgence. Mr. T. can form no adequate idea -of the change in Mr. Micawber's conduct, of his wildness, of his -violence. It has gradually augmented, until it assumes the -appearance of aberration of intellect. Scarcely a day passes, I -assure Mr. Traddles, on which some paroxysm does not take place. -Mr. T. will not require me to depict my feelings, when I inform him -that I have become accustomed to hear Mr. Micawber assert that he -has sold himself to the D. Mystery and secrecy have long been his -principal characteristic, have long replaced unlimited confidence. -The slightest provocation, even being asked if there is anything he -would prefer for dinner, causes him to express a wish for a -separation. Last night, on being childishly solicited for -twopence, to buy 'lemon-stunners' - a local sweetmeat - he -presented an oyster-knife at the twins! - -'I entreat Mr. Traddles to bear with me in entering into these -details. Without them, Mr. T. would indeed find it difficult to -form the faintest conception of my heart-rending situation. - -'May I now venture to confide to Mr. T. the purport of my letter? -Will he now allow me to throw myself on his friendly consideration? -Oh yes, for I know his heart! - -'The quick eye of affection is not easily blinded, when of the -female sex. Mr. Micawber is going to London. Though he studiously -concealed his hand, this morning before breakfast, in writing the -direction-card which he attached to the little brown valise of -happier days, the eagle-glance of matrimonial anxiety detected, d, -o, n, distinctly traced. The West-End destination of the coach, is -the Golden Cross. Dare I fervently implore Mr. T. to see my -misguided husband, and to reason with him? Dare I ask Mr. T. to -endeavour to step in between Mr. Micawber and his agonized family? -Oh no, for that would be too much! - -'If Mr. Copperfield should yet remember one unknown to fame, will -Mr. T. take charge of my unalterable regards and similar -entreaties? In any case, he will have the benevolence to consider -this communication strictly private, and on no account whatever to -be alluded to, however distantly, in the presence of Mr. Micawber. -If Mr. T. should ever reply to it (which I cannot but feel to be -most improbable), a letter addressed to M. E., Post Office, -Canterbury, will be fraught with less painful consequences than any -addressed immediately to one, who subscribes herself, in extreme -distress, - -'Mr. Thomas Traddles's respectful friend and suppliant, - - 'EMMA MICAWBER.' - - -'What do you think of that letter?' said Traddles, casting his eyes -upon me, when I had read it twice. - -'What do you think of the other?' said I. For he was still reading -it with knitted brows. - -'I think that the two together, Copperfield,' replied Traddles, -'mean more than Mr. and Mrs. Micawber usually mean in their -correspondence - but I don't know what. They are both written in -good faith, I have no doubt, and without any collusion. Poor -thing!' he was now alluding to Mrs. Micawber's letter, and we were -standing side by side comparing the two; 'it will be a charity to -write to her, at all events, and tell her that we will not fail to -see Mr. Micawber.' - -I acceded to this the more readily, because I now reproached myself -with having treated her former letter rather lightly. It had set -me thinking a good deal at the time, as I have mentioned in its -place; but my absorption in my own affairs, my experience of the -family, and my hearing nothing more, had gradually ended in my -dismissing the subject. I had often thought of the Micawbers, but -chiefly to wonder what 'pecuniary liabilities' they were -establishing in Canterbury, and to recall how shy Mr. Micawber was -of me when he became clerk to Uriah Heep. - -However, I now wrote a comforting letter to Mrs. Micawber, in our -joint names, and we both signed it. As we walked into town to post -it, Traddles and I held a long conference, and launched into a -number of speculations, which I need not repeat. We took my aunt -into our counsels in the afternoon; but our only decided conclusion -was, that we would be very punctual in keeping Mr. Micawber's -appointment. - -Although we appeared at the stipulated place a quarter of an hour -before the time, we found Mr. Micawber already there. He was -standing with his arms folded, over against the wall, looking at -the spikes on the top, with a sentimental expression, as if they -were the interlacing boughs of trees that had shaded him in his -youth. - -When we accosted him, his manner was something more confused, and -something less genteel, than of yore. He had relinquished his -legal suit of black for the purposes of this excursion, and wore -the old surtout and tights, but not quite with the old air. He -gradually picked up more and more of it as we conversed with him; -but, his very eye-glass seemed to hang less easily, and his -shirt-collar, though still of the old formidable dimensions, rather -drooped. - -'Gentlemen!' said Mr. Micawber, after the first salutations, 'you -are friends in need, and friends indeed. Allow me to offer my -inquiries with reference to the physical welfare of Mrs. -Copperfield in esse, and Mrs. Traddles in posse, - presuming, that -is to say, that my friend Mr. Traddles is not yet united to the -object of his affections, for weal and for woe.' - -We acknowledged his politeness, and made suitable replies. He then -directed our attention to the wall, and was beginning, 'I assure -you, gentlemen,' when I ventured to object to that ceremonious form -of address, and to beg that he would speak to us in the old way. - -'My dear Copperfield,' he returned, pressing my hand, 'your -cordiality overpowers me. This reception of a shattered fragment -of the Temple once called Man - if I may be permitted so to express -myself - bespeaks a heart that is an honour to our common nature. -I was about to observe that I again behold the serene spot where -some of the happiest hours of my existence fleeted by.' - -'Made so, I am sure, by Mrs. Micawber,' said I. 'I hope she is -well?' - -'Thank you,' returned Mr. Micawber, whose face clouded at this -reference, 'she is but so-so. And this,' said Mr. Micawber, -nodding his head sorrowfully, 'is the Bench! Where, for the first -time in many revolving years, the overwhelming pressure of -pecuniary liabilities was not proclaimed, from day to day, by -importune voices declining to vacate the passage; where there was -no knocker on the door for any creditor to appeal to; where -personal service of process was not required, and detainees were -merely lodged at the gate! Gentlemen,' said Mr. Micawber, 'when the -shadow of that iron-work on the summit of the brick structure has -been reflected on the gravel of the Parade, I have seen my children -thread the mazes of the intricate pattern, avoiding the dark marks. -I have been familiar with every stone in the place. If I betray -weakness, you will know how to excuse me.' - -'We have all got on in life since then, Mr. Micawber,' said I. - -'Mr. Copperfield,' returned Mr. Micawber, bitterly, 'when I was an -inmate of that retreat I could look my fellow-man in the face, and -punch his head if he offended me. My fellow-man and myself are no -longer on those glorious terms!' - -Turning from the building in a downcast manner, Mr. Micawber -accepted my proffered arm on one side, and the proffered arm of -Traddles on the other, and walked away between us. - -'There are some landmarks,' observed Mr. Micawber, looking fondly -back over his shoulder, 'on the road to the tomb, which, but for -the impiety of the aspiration, a man would wish never to have -passed. Such is the Bench in my chequered career.' - -'Oh, you are in low spirits, Mr. Micawber,' said Traddles. - -'I am, sir,' interposed Mr. Micawber. - -'I hope,' said Traddles, 'it is not because you have conceived a -dislike to the law - for I am a lawyer myself, you know.' - -Mr. Micawber answered not a word. - -'How is our friend Heep, Mr. Micawber?' said I, after a silence. - -'My dear Copperfield,' returned Mr. Micawber, bursting into a state -of much excitement, and turning pale, 'if you ask after my employer -as your friend, I am sorry for it; if you ask after him as MY -friend, I sardonically smile at it. In whatever capacity you ask -after my employer, I beg, without offence to you, to limit my reply -to this - that whatever his state of health may be, his appearance -is foxy: not to say diabolical. You will allow me, as a private -individual, to decline pursuing a subject which has lashed me to -the utmost verge of desperation in my professional capacity.' - -I expressed my regret for having innocently touched upon a theme -that roused him so much. 'May I ask,' said I, 'without any hazard -of repeating the mistake, how my old friends Mr. and Miss Wickfield -are?' - -'Miss Wickfield,' said Mr. Micawber, now turning red, 'is, as she -always is, a pattern, and a bright example. My dear Copperfield, -she is the only starry spot in a miserable existence. My respect -for that young lady, my admiration of her character, my devotion to -her for her love and truth, and goodness! - Take me,' said Mr. -Micawber, 'down a turning, for, upon my soul, in my present state -of mind I am not equal to this!' - -We wheeled him off into a narrow street, where he took out his -pocket-handkerchief, and stood with his back to a wall. If I -looked as gravely at him as Traddles did, he must have found our -company by no means inspiriting. - -'It is my fate,' said Mr. Micawber, unfeignedly sobbing, but doing -even that, with a shadow of the old expression of doing something -genteel; 'it is my fate, gentlemen, that the finer feelings of our -nature have become reproaches to me. My homage to Miss Wickfield, -is a flight of arrows in my bosom. You had better leave me, if you -please, to walk the earth as a vagabond. The worm will settle my -business in double-quick time.' - -Without attending to this invocation, we stood by, until he put up -his pocket-handkerchief, pulled up his shirt-collar, and, to delude -any person in the neighbourhood who might have been observing him, -hummed a tune with his hat very much on one side. I then mentioned -- not knowing what might be lost if we lost sight of him yet - that -it would give me great pleasure to introduce him to my aunt, if he -would ride out to Highgate, where a bed was at his service. - -'You shall make us a glass of your own punch, Mr. Micawber,' said -I, 'and forget whatever you have on your mind, in pleasanter -reminiscences.' - -'Or, if confiding anything to friends will be more likely to -relieve you, you shall impart it to us, Mr. Micawber,' said -Traddles, prudently. - -'Gentlemen,' returned Mr. Micawber, 'do with me as you will! I am -a straw upon the surface of the deep, and am tossed in all -directions by the elephants - I beg your pardon; I should have said -the elements.' - -We walked on, arm-in-arm, again; found the coach in the act of -starting; and arrived at Highgate without encountering any -difficulties by the way. I was very uneasy and very uncertain in -my mind what to say or do for the best - so was Traddles, -evidently. Mr. Micawber was for the most part plunged into deep -gloom. He occasionally made an attempt to smarten himself, and hum -the fag-end of a tune; but his relapses into profound melancholy -were only made the more impressive by the mockery of a hat -exceedingly on one side, and a shirt-collar pulled up to his eyes. - -We went to my aunt's house rather than to mine, because of Dora's -not being well. My aunt presented herself on being sent for, and -welcomed Mr. Micawber with gracious cordiality. Mr. Micawber -kissed her hand, retired to the window, and pulling out his -pocket-handkerchief, had a mental wrestle with himself. - -Mr. Dick was at home. He was by nature so exceedingly -compassionate of anyone who seemed to be ill at ease, and was so -quick to find any such person out, that he shook hands with Mr. -Micawber, at least half-a-dozen times in five minutes. To Mr. -Micawber, in his trouble, this warmth, on the part of a stranger, -was so extremely touching, that he could only say, on the occasion -of each successive shake, 'My dear sir, you overpower me!' Which -gratified Mr. Dick so much, that he went at it again with greater -vigour than before. - -'The friendliness of this gentleman,' said Mr. Micawber to my aunt, -'if you will allow me, ma'am, to cull a figure of speech from the -vocabulary of our coarser national sports - floors me. To a man -who is struggling with a complicated burden of perplexity and -disquiet, such a reception is trying, I assure you.' - -'My friend Mr. Dick,' replied my aunt proudly, 'is not a common -man.' - -'That I am convinced of,' said Mr. Micawber. 'My dear sir!' for -Mr. Dick was shaking hands with him again; 'I am deeply sensible of -your cordiality!' - -'How do you find yourself?' said Mr. Dick, with an anxious look. - -'Indifferent, my dear sir,' returned Mr. Micawber, sighing. - -'You must keep up your spirits,' said Mr. Dick, 'and make yourself -as comfortable as possible.' - -Mr. Micawber was quite overcome by these friendly words, and by -finding Mr. Dick's hand again within his own. 'It has been my -lot,' he observed, 'to meet, in the diversified panorama of human -existence, with an occasional oasis, but never with one so green, -so gushing, as the present!' - -At another time I should have been amused by this; but I felt that -we were all constrained and uneasy, and I watched Mr. Micawber so -anxiously, in his vacillations between an evident disposition to -reveal something, and a counter-disposition to reveal nothing, that -I was in a perfect fever. Traddles, sitting on the edge of his -chair, with his eyes wide open, and his hair more emphatically -erect than ever, stared by turns at the ground and at Mr. Micawber, -without so much as attempting to put in a word. My aunt, though I -saw that her shrewdest observation was concentrated on her new -guest, had more useful possession of her wits than either of us; -for she held him in conversation, and made it necessary for him to -talk, whether he liked it or not. - -'You are a very old friend of my nephew's, Mr. Micawber,' said my -aunt. 'I wish I had had the pleasure of seeing you before.' - -'Madam,' returned Mr. Micawber, 'I wish I had had the honour of -knowing you at an earlier period. I was not always the wreck you -at present behold.' - -'I hope Mrs. Micawber and your family are well, sir,' said my aunt. - -Mr. Micawber inclined his head. 'They are as well, ma'am,' he -desperately observed after a pause, 'as Aliens and Outcasts can -ever hope to be.' - -'Lord bless you, sir!' exclaimed my aunt, in her abrupt way. 'What -are you talking about?' - -'The subsistence of my family, ma'am,' returned Mr. Micawber, -'trembles in the balance. My employer -' - -Here Mr. Micawber provokingly left off; and began to peel the -lemons that had been under my directions set before him, together -with all the other appliances he used in making punch. - -'Your employer, you know,' said Mr. Dick, jogging his arm as a -gentle reminder. - -'My good sir,' returned Mr. Micawber, 'you recall me, I am obliged -to you.' They shook hands again. 'My employer, ma'am - Mr. Heep -- once did me the favour to observe to me, that if I were not in -the receipt of the stipendiary emoluments appertaining to my -engagement with him, I should probably be a mountebank about the -country, swallowing a sword-blade, and eating the devouring -element. For anything that I can perceive to the contrary, it is -still probable that my children may be reduced to seek a livelihood -by personal contortion, while Mrs. Micawber abets their unnatural -feats by playing the barrel-organ.' - -Mr. Micawber, with a random but expressive flourish of his knife, -signified that these performances might be expected to take place -after he was no more; then resumed his peeling with a desperate -air. - -My aunt leaned her elbow on the little round table that she usually -kept beside her, and eyed him attentively. Notwithstanding the -aversion with which I regarded the idea of entrapping him into any -disclosure he was not prepared to make voluntarily, I should have -taken him up at this point, but for the strange proceedings in -which I saw him engaged; whereof his putting the lemon-peel into -the kettle, the sugar into the snuffer-tray, the spirit into the -empty jug, and confidently attempting to pour boiling water out of -a candlestick, were among the most remarkable. I saw that a crisis -was at hand, and it came. He clattered all his means and -implements together, rose from his chair, pulled out his -pocket-handkerchief, and burst into tears. - -'My dear Copperfield,' said Mr. Micawber, behind his handkerchief, -'this is an occupation, of all others, requiring an untroubled -mind, and self-respect. I cannot perform it. It is out of the -question.' - -'Mr. Micawber,' said I, 'what is the matter? Pray speak out. You -are among friends.' - -'Among friends, sir!' repeated Mr. Micawber; and all he had -reserved came breaking out of him. 'Good heavens, it is -principally because I AM among friends that my state of mind is -what it is. What is the matter, gentlemen? What is NOT the -matter? Villainy is the matter; baseness is the matter; deception, -fraud, conspiracy, are the matter; and the name of the whole -atrocious mass is - HEEP!' - -MY aunt clapped her hands, and we all started up as if we were -possessed. - -'The struggle is over!' said Mr. Micawber violently gesticulating -with his pocket-handkerchief, and fairly striking out from time to -time with both arms, as if he were swimming under superhuman -difficulties. 'I will lead this life no longer. I am a wretched -being, cut off from everything that makes life tolerable. I have -been under a Taboo in that infernal scoundrel's service. Give me -back my wife, give me back my family, substitute Micawber for the -petty wretch who walks about in the boots at present on my feet, -and call upon me to swallow a sword tomorrow, and I'll do it. With -an appetite!' - -I never saw a man so hot in my life. I tried to calm him, that we -might come to something rational; but he got hotter and hotter, and -wouldn't hear a word. - -'I'll put my hand in no man's hand,' said Mr. Micawber, gasping, -puffing, and sobbing, to that degree that he was like a man -fighting with cold water, 'until I have - blown to fragments - the -- a - detestable - serpent - HEEP! I'll partake of no one's -hospitality, until I have - a - moved Mount Vesuvius - to eruption -- on - a - the abandoned rascal - HEEP! Refreshment - a - -underneath this roof - particularly punch - would - a - choke me - -unless - I had - previously - choked the eyes - out of the head - -a - of - interminable cheat, and liar - HEEP! I - a- I'll know -nobody - and - a - say nothing - and - a - live nowhere - until I -have crushed - to - a - undiscoverable atoms - the - transcendent -and immortal hypocrite and perjurer - HEEP!' - -I really had some fear of Mr. Micawber's dying on the spot. The -manner in which he struggled through these inarticulate sentences, -and, whenever he found himself getting near the name of Heep, -fought his way on to it, dashed at it in a fainting state, and -brought it out with a vehemence little less than marvellous, was -frightful; but now, when he sank into a chair, steaming, and looked -at us, with every possible colour in his face that had no business -there, and an endless procession of lumps following one another in -hot haste up his throat, whence they seemed to shoot into his -forehead, he had the appearance of being in the last extremity. I -would have gone to his assistance, but he waved me off, and -wouldn't hear a word. - -'No, Copperfield! - No communication - a - until - Miss Wickfield -- a - redress from wrongs inflicted by consummate scoundrel - -HEEP!' (I am quite convinced he could not have uttered three words, -but for the amazing energy with which this word inspired him when -he felt it coming.) 'Inviolable secret - a - from the whole world -- a - no exceptions - this day week - a - at breakfast-time - a - -everybody present - including aunt - a - and extremely friendly -gentleman - to be at the hotel at Canterbury - a - where - Mrs. -Micawber and myself - Auld Lang Syne in chorus - and - a - will -expose intolerable ruffian - HEEP! No more to say - a - or listen -to persuasion - go immediately - not capable - a - bear society - -upon the track of devoted and doomed traitor - HEEP!' - -With this last repetition of the magic word that had kept him going -at all, and in which he surpassed all his previous efforts, Mr. -Micawber rushed out of the house; leaving us in a state of -excitement, hope, and wonder, that reduced us to a condition little -better than his own. But even then his passion for writing letters -was too strong to be resisted; for while we were yet in the height -of our excitement, hope, and wonder, the following pastoral note -was brought to me from a neighbouring tavern, at which he had -called to write it: - - - - 'Most secret and confidential. -'MY DEAR SIR, - -'I beg to be allowed to convey, through you, my apologies to your -excellent aunt for my late excitement. An explosion of a -smouldering volcano long suppressed, was the result of an internal -contest more easily conceived than described. - -'I trust I rendered tolerably intelligible my appointment for the -morning of this day week, at the house of public entertainment at -Canterbury, where Mrs. Micawber and myself had once the honour of -uniting our voices to yours, in the well-known strain of the -Immortal exciseman nurtured beyond the Tweed. - -'The duty done, and act of reparation performed, which can alone -enable me to contemplate my fellow mortal, I shall be known no -more. I shall simply require to be deposited in that place of -universal resort, where - - Each in his narrow cell for ever laid, - The rude forefathers of the hamlet sleep, - - '- With the plain Inscription, - - 'WILKINS MICAWBER.' - - - -CHAPTER 50 -Mr. PEGGOTTY'S DREAM COMES TRUE - - -By this time, some months had passed since our interview on the -bank of the river with Martha. I had never seen her since, but she -had communicated with Mr. Peggotty on several occasions. Nothing -had come of her zealous intervention; nor could I infer, from what -he told me, that any clue had been obtained, for a moment, to -Emily's fate. I confess that I began to despair of her recovery, -and gradually to sink deeper and deeper into the belief that she -was dead. - -His conviction remained unchanged. So far as I know - and I -believe his honest heart was transparent to me - he never wavered -again, in his solemn certainty of finding her. His patience never -tired. And, although I trembled for the agony it might one day be -to him to have his strong assurance shivered at a blow, there was -something so religious in it, so affectingly expressive of its -anchor being in the purest depths of his fine nature, that the -respect and honour in which I held him were exalted every day. - -His was not a lazy trustfulness that hoped, and did no more. He -had been a man of sturdy action all his life, and he knew that in -all things wherein he wanted help he must do his own part -faithfully, and help himself. I have known him set out in the -night, on a misgiving that the light might not be, by some -accident, in the window of the old boat, and walk to Yarmouth. I -have known him, on reading something in the newspaper that might -apply to her, take up his stick, and go forth on a journey of -three- or four-score miles. He made his way by sea to Naples, and -back, after hearing the narrative to which Miss Dartle had assisted -me. All his journeys were ruggedly performed; for he was always -steadfast in a purpose of saving money for Emily's sake, when she -should be found. In all this long pursuit, I never heard him -repine; I never heard him say he was fatigued, or out of heart. - -Dora had often seen him since our marriage, and was quite fond of -him. I fancy his figure before me now, standing near her sofa, -with his rough cap in his hand, and the blue eyes of my child-wife -raised, with a timid wonder, to his face. Sometimes of an evening, -about twilight, when he came to talk with me, I would induce him to -smoke his pipe in the garden, as we slowly paced to and fro -together; and then, the picture of his deserted home, and the -comfortable air it used to have in my childish eyes of an evening -when the fire was burning, and the wind moaning round it, came most -vividly into my mind. - -One evening, at this hour, he told me that he had found Martha -waiting near his lodging on the preceding night when he came out, -and that she had asked him not to leave London on any account, -until he should have seen her again. - -'Did she tell you why?' I inquired. - -'I asked her, Mas'r Davy,' he replied, 'but it is but few words as -she ever says, and she on'y got my promise and so went away.' - -'Did she say when you might expect to see her again?' I demanded. - -'No, Mas'r Davy,' he returned, drawing his hand thoughtfully down -his face. 'I asked that too; but it was more (she said) than she -could tell.' - -As I had long forborne to encourage him with hopes that hung on -threads, I made no other comment on this information than that I -supposed he would see her soon. Such speculations as it engendered -within me I kept to myself, and those were faint enough. - -I was walking alone in the garden, one evening, about a fortnight -afterwards. I remember that evening well. It was the second in -Mr. Micawber's week of suspense. There had been rain all day, and -there was a damp feeling in the air. The leaves were thick upon -the trees, and heavy with wet; but the rain had ceased, though the -sky was still dark; and the hopeful birds were singing cheerfully. -As I walked to and fro in the garden, and the twilight began to -close around me, their little voices were hushed; and that peculiar -silence which belongs to such an evening in the country when the -lightest trees are quite still, save for the occasional droppings -from their boughs, prevailed. - -There was a little green perspective of trellis-work and ivy at the -side of our cottage, through which I could see, from the garden -where I was walking, into the road before the house. I happened to -turn my eyes towards this place, as I was thinking of many things; -and I saw a figure beyond, dressed in a plain cloak. It was -bending eagerly towards me, and beckoning. - -'Martha!' said I, going to it. - -'Can you come with me?' she inquired, in an agitated whisper. 'I -have been to him, and he is not at home. I wrote down where he was -to come, and left it on his table with my own hand. They said he -would not be out long. I have tidings for him. Can you come -directly?' - -My answer was, to pass out at the gate immediately. She made a -hasty gesture with her hand, as if to entreat my patience and my -silence, and turned towards London, whence, as her dress betokened, -she had come expeditiously on foot. - -I asked her if that were not our destination? On her motioning -Yes, with the same hasty gesture as before, I stopped an empty -coach that was coming by, and we got into it. When I asked her -where the coachman was to drive, she answered, 'Anywhere near -Golden Square! And quick!' - then shrunk into a corner, with one -trembling hand before her face, and the other making the former -gesture, as if she could not bear a voice. - -Now much disturbed, and dazzled with conflicting gleams of hope and -dread, I looked at her for some explanation. But seeing how -strongly she desired to remain quiet, and feeling that it was my -own natural inclination too, at such a time, I did not attempt to -break the silence. We proceeded without a word being spoken. -Sometimes she glanced out of the window, as though she thought we -were going slowly, though indeed we were going fast; but otherwise -remained exactly as at first. - -We alighted at one of the entrances to the Square she had -mentioned, where I directed the coach to wait, not knowing but that -we might have some occasion for it. She laid her hand on my arm, -and hurried me on to one of the sombre streets, of which there are -several in that part, where the houses were once fair dwellings in -the occupation of single families, but have, and had, long -degenerated into poor lodgings let off in rooms. Entering at the -open door of one of these, and releasing my arm, she beckoned me to -follow her up the common staircase, which was like a tributary -channel to the street. - -The house swarmed with inmates. As we went up, doors of rooms were -opened and people's heads put out; and we passed other people on -the stairs, who were coming down. In glancing up from the outside, -before we entered, I had seen women and children lolling at the -windows over flower-pots; and we seemed to have attracted their -curiosity, for these were principally the observers who looked out -of their doors. It was a broad panelled staircase, with massive -balustrades of some dark wood; cornices above the doors, ornamented -with carved fruit and flowers; and broad seats in the windows. But -all these tokens of past grandeur were miserably decayed and dirty; -rot, damp, and age, had weakened the flooring, which in many places -was unsound and even unsafe. Some attempts had been made, I -noticed, to infuse new blood into this dwindling frame, by -repairing the costly old wood-work here and there with common deal; -but it was like the marriage of a reduced old noble to a plebeian -pauper, and each party to the ill-assorted union shrunk away from -the other. Several of the back windows on the staircase had been -darkened or wholly blocked up. In those that remained, there was -scarcely any glass; and, through the crumbling frames by which the -bad air seemed always to come in, and never to go out, I saw, -through other glassless windows, into other houses in a similar -condition, and looked giddily down into a wretched yard, which was -the common dust-heap of the mansion. - -We proceeded to the top-storey of the house. Two or three times, -by the way, I thought I observed in the indistinct light the skirts -of a female figure going up before us. As we turned to ascend the -last flight of stairs between us and the roof, we caught a full -view of this figure pausing for a moment, at a door. Then it -turned the handle, and went in. - -'What's this!' said Martha, in a whisper. 'She has gone into my -room. I don't know her!' - -I knew her. I had recognized her with amazement, for Miss Dartle. - -I said something to the effect that it was a lady whom I had seen -before, in a few words, to my conductress; and had scarcely done -so, when we heard her voice in the room, though not, from where we -stood, what she was saying. Martha, with an astonished look, -repeated her former action, and softly led me up the stairs; and -then, by a little back-door which seemed to have no lock, and which -she pushed open with a touch, into a small empty garret with a low -sloping roof, little better than a cupboard. Between this, and the -room she had called hers, there was a small door of communication, -standing partly open. Here we stopped, breathless with our ascent, -and she placed her hand lightly on my lips. I could only see, of -the room beyond, that it was pretty large; that there was a bed in -it; and that there were some common pictures of ships upon the -walls. I could not see Miss Dartle, or the person whom we had -heard her address. Certainly, my companion could not, for my -position was the best. -A dead silence prevailed for some moments. Martha kept one hand on -my lips, and raised the other in a listening attitude. - -'It matters little to me her not being at home,' said Rosa Dartle -haughtily, 'I know nothing of her. It is you I come to see.' - -'Me?' replied a soft voice. - -At the sound of it, a thrill went through my frame. For it was -Emily's! - -'Yes,' returned Miss Dartle, 'I have come to look at you. What? -You are not ashamed of the face that has done so much?' - -The resolute and unrelenting hatred of her tone, its cold stern -sharpness, and its mastered rage, presented her before me, as if I -had seen her standing in the light. I saw the flashing black eyes, -and the passion-wasted figure; and I saw the scar, with its white -track cutting through her lips, quivering and throbbing as she -spoke. - -'I have come to see,' she said, 'James Steerforth's fancy; the girl -who ran away with him, and is the town-talk of the commonest people -of her native place; the bold, flaunting, practised companion of -persons like James Steerforth. I want to know what such a thing is -like.' - -There was a rustle, as if the unhappy girl, on whom she heaped -these taunts, ran towards the door, and the speaker swiftly -interposed herself before it. It was succeeded by a moment's -pause. - -When Miss Dartle spoke again, it was through her set teeth, and -with a stamp upon the ground. - -'Stay there!' she said, 'or I'll proclaim you to the house, and the -whole street! If you try to evade me, I'll stop you, if it's by the -hair, and raise the very stones against you!' - -A frightened murmur was the only reply that reached my ears. A -silence succeeded. I did not know what to do. Much as I desired -to put an end to the interview, I felt that I had no right to -present myself; that it was for Mr. Peggotty alone to see her and -recover her. Would he never come? I thought impatiently. - -'So!' said Rosa Dartle, with a contemptuous laugh, 'I see her at -last! Why, he was a poor creature to be taken by that delicate -mock-modesty, and that hanging head!' - -'Oh, for Heaven's sake, spare me!' exclaimed Emily. 'Whoever you -are, you know my pitiable story, and for Heaven's sake spare me, if -you would be spared yourself!' - -'If I would be spared!' returned the other fiercely; 'what is there -in common between US, do you think!' - -'Nothing but our sex,' said Emily, with a burst of tears. - -'And that,' said Rosa Dartle, 'is so strong a claim, preferred by -one so infamous, that if I had any feeling in my breast but scorn -and abhorrence of you, it would freeze it up. Our sex! You are an -honour to our sex!' - -'I have deserved this,' said Emily, 'but it's dreadful! Dear, dear -lady, think what I have suffered, and how I am fallen! Oh, Martha, -come back! Oh, home, home!' - -Miss Dartle placed herself in a chair, within view of the door, and -looked downward, as if Emily were crouching on the floor before -her. Being now between me and the light, I could see her curled -lip, and her cruel eyes intently fixed on one place, with a greedy -triumph. - -'Listen to what I say!' she said; 'and reserve your false arts for -your dupes. Do you hope to move me by your tears? No more than -you could charm me by your smiles, you purchased slave.' - -'Oh, have some mercy on me!' cried Emily. 'Show me some -compassion, or I shall die mad!' - -'It would be no great penance,' said Rosa Dartle, 'for your crimes. -Do you know what you have done? Do you ever think of the home you -have laid waste?' - -'Oh, is there ever night or day, when I don't think of it!' cried -Emily; and now I could just see her, on her knees, with her head -thrown back, her pale face looking upward, her hands wildly clasped -and held out, and her hair streaming about her. 'Has there ever -been a single minute, waking or sleeping, when it hasn't been -before me, just as it used to be in the lost days when I turned my -back upon it for ever and for ever! Oh, home, home! Oh dear, dear -uncle, if you ever could have known the agony your love would cause -me when I fell away from good, you never would have shown it to me -so constant, much as you felt it; but would have been angry to me, -at least once in my life, that I might have had some comfort! I -have none, none, no comfort upon earth, for all of them were always -fond of me!' She dropped on her face, before the imperious figure -in the chair, with an imploring effort to clasp the skirt of her -dress. - -Rosa Dartle sat looking down upon her, as inflexible as a figure of -brass. Her lips were tightly compressed, as if she knew that she -must keep a strong constraint upon herself - I write what I -sincerely believe - or she would be tempted to strike the beautiful -form with her foot. I saw her, distinctly, and the whole power of -her face and character seemed forced into that expression. - Would -he never come? - -'The miserable vanity of these earth-worms!' she said, when she had -so far controlled the angry heavings of her breast, that she could -trust herself to speak. 'YOUR home! Do you imagine that I bestow -a thought on it, or suppose you could do any harm to that low -place, which money would not pay for, and handsomely? YOUR home! -You were a part of the trade of your home, and were bought and sold -like any other vendible thing your people dealt in.' - -'Oh, not that!' cried Emily. 'Say anything of me; but don't visit -my disgrace and shame, more than I have done, on folks who are as -honourable as you! Have some respect for them, as you are a lady, -if you have no mercy for me.' - -'I speak,' she said, not deigning to take any heed of this appeal, -and drawing away her dress from the contamination of Emily's touch, -'I speak of HIS home - where I live. Here,' she said, stretching -out her hand with her contemptuous laugh, and looking down upon the -prostrate girl, 'is a worthy cause of division between lady-mother -and gentleman-son; of grief in a house where she wouldn't have been -admitted as a kitchen-girl; of anger, and repining, and reproach. -This piece of pollution, picked up from the water-side, to be made -much of for an hour, and then tossed back to her original place!' - -'No! no!' cried Emily, clasping her hands together. 'When he first -came into my way - that the day had never dawned upon me, and he -had met me being carried to my grave! - I had been brought up as -virtuous as you or any lady, and was going to be the wife of as -good a man as you or any lady in the world can ever marry. If you -live in his home and know him, you know, perhaps, what his power -with a weak, vain girl might be. I don't defend myself, but I know -well, and he knows well, or he will know when he comes to die, and -his mind is troubled with it, that he used all his power to deceive -me, and that I believed him, trusted him, and loved him!' - -Rosa Dartle sprang up from her seat; recoiled; and in recoiling -struck at her, with a face of such malignity, so darkened and -disfigured by passion, that I had almost thrown myself between -them. The blow, which had no aim, fell upon the air. As she now -stood panting, looking at her with the utmost detestation that she -was capable of expressing, and trembling from head to foot with -rage and scorn, I thought I had never seen such a sight, and never -could see such another. - -'YOU love him? You?' she cried, with her clenched hand, quivering -as if it only wanted a weapon to stab the object of her wrath. - -Emily had shrunk out of my view. There was no reply. - -'And tell that to ME,' she added, 'with your shameful lips? Why -don't they whip these creatures? If I could order it to be done, -I would have this girl whipped to death.' - -And so she would, I have no doubt. I would not have trusted her -with the rack itself, while that furious look lasted. -She slowly, very slowly, broke into a laugh, and pointed at Emily -with her hand, as if she were a sight of shame for gods and men. - -'SHE love!' she said. 'THAT carrion! And he ever cared for her, -she'd tell me. Ha, ha! The liars that these traders are!' - -Her mockery was worse than her undisguised rage. Of the two, I -would have much preferred to be the object of the latter. But, -when she suffered it to break loose, it was only for a moment. She -had chained it up again, and however it might tear her within, she -subdued it to herself. - -'I came here, you pure fountain of love,' she said, 'to see - as I -began by telling you - what such a thing as you was like. I was -curious. I am satisfied. Also to tell you, that you had best seek -that home of yours, with all speed, and hide your head among those -excellent people who are expecting you, and whom your money will -console. When it's all gone, you can believe, and trust, and love -again, you know! I thought you a broken toy that had lasted its -time; a worthless spangle that was tarnished, and thrown away. -But, finding you true gold, a very lady, and an ill-used innocent, -with a fresh heart full of love and trustfulness - which you look -like, and is quite consistent with your story! - I have something -more to say. Attend to it; for what I say I'll do. Do you hear -me, you fairy spirit? What I say, I mean to do!' - -Her rage got the better of her again, for a moment; but it passed -over her face like a spasm, and left her smiling. - -'Hide yourself,' she pursued, 'if not at home, somewhere. Let it -be somewhere beyond reach; in some obscure life - or, better still, -in some obscure death. I wonder, if your loving heart will not -break, you have found no way of helping it to be still! I have -heard of such means sometimes. I believe they may be easily -found.' - -A low crying, on the part of Emily, interrupted her here. She -stopped, and listened to it as if it were music. - -'I am of a strange nature, perhaps,' Rosa Dartle went on; 'but I -can't breathe freely in the air you breathe. I find it sickly. -Therefore, I will have it cleared; I will have it purified of you. -If you live here tomorrow, I'll have your story and your character -proclaimed on the common stair. There are decent women in the -house, I am told; and it is a pity such a light as you should be -among them, and concealed. If, leaving here, you seek any refuge -in this town in any character but your true one (which you are -welcome to bear, without molestation from me), the same service -shall be done you, if I hear of your retreat. Being assisted by a -gentleman who not long ago aspired to the favour of your hand, I am -sanguine as to that.' - -Would he never, never come? How long was I to bear this? How long -could I bear it? -'Oh me, oh me!' exclaimed the wretched Emily, in a tone that might -have touched the hardest heart, I should have thought; but there -was no relenting in Rosa Dartle's smile. 'What, what, shall I do!' - -'Do?' returned the other. 'Live happy in your own reflections! -Consecrate your existence to the recollection of James Steerforth's -tenderness - he would have made you his serving-man's wife, would -he not? - or to feeling grateful to the upright and deserving -creature who would have taken you as his gift. Or, if those proud -remembrances, and the consciousness of your own virtues, and the -honourable position to which they have raised you in the eyes of -everything that wears the human shape, will not sustain you, marry -that good man, and be happy in his condescension. If this will not -do either, die! There are doorways and dust-heaps for such deaths, -and such despair - find one, and take your flight to Heaven!' - -I heard a distant foot upon the stairs. I knew it, I was certain. -It was his, thank God! - -She moved slowly from before the door when she said this, and -passed out of my sight. - -'But mark!' she added, slowly and sternly, opening the other door -to go away, 'I am resolved, for reasons that I have and hatreds -that I entertain, to cast you out, unless you withdraw from my -reach altogether, or drop your pretty mask. This is what I had to -say; and what I say, I mean to do!' - -The foot upon the stairs came nearer - nearer - passed her as she -went down - rushed into the room! - -'Uncle!' - -A fearful cry followed the word. I paused a moment, and looking -in, saw him supporting her insensible figure in his arms. He gazed -for a few seconds in the face; then stooped to kiss it - oh, how -tenderly! - and drew a handkerchief before it. - -'Mas'r Davy,' he said, in a low tremulous voice, when it was -covered, 'I thank my Heav'nly Father as my dream's come true! I -thank Him hearty for having guided of me, in His own ways, to my -darling!' - -With those words he took her up in his arms; and, with the veiled -face lying on his bosom, and addressed towards his own, carried -her, motionless and unconscious, down the stairs. - - - -CHAPTER 51 -THE BEGINNING OF A LONGER JOURNEY - - -It was yet early in the morning of the following day, when, as I -was walking in my garden with my aunt (who took little other -exercise now, being so much in attendance on my dear Dora), I was -told that Mr. Peggotty desired to speak with me. He came into the -garden to meet me half-way, on my going towards the gate; and bared -his head, as it was always his custom to do when he saw my aunt, -for whom he had a high respect. I had been telling her all that -had happened overnight. Without saying a word, she walked up with -a cordial face, shook hands with him, and patted him on the arm. -It was so expressively done, that she had no need to say a word. -Mr. Peggotty understood her quite as well as if she had said a -thousand. - -'I'll go in now, Trot,' said my aunt, 'and look after Little -Blossom, who will be getting up presently.' - -'Not along of my being heer, ma'am, I hope?' said Mr. Peggotty. -'Unless my wits is gone a bahd's neezing' - by which Mr. Peggotty -meant to say, bird's-nesting - 'this morning, 'tis along of me as -you're a-going to quit us?' - -'You have something to say, my good friend,' returned my aunt, 'and -will do better without me.' - -'By your leave, ma'am,' returned Mr. Peggotty, 'I should take it -kind, pervising you doen't mind my clicketten, if you'd bide heer.' - -'Would you?' said my aunt, with short good-nature. 'Then I am sure -I will!' - -So, she drew her arm through Mr. Peggotty's, and walked with him to -a leafy little summer-house there was at the bottom of the garden, -where she sat down on a bench, and I beside her. There was a seat -for Mr. Peggotty too, but he preferred to stand, leaning his hand -on the small rustic table. As he stood, looking at his cap for a -little while before beginning to speak, I could not help observing -what power and force of character his sinewy hand expressed, and -what a good and trusty companion it was to his honest brow and -iron-grey hair. - -'I took my dear child away last night,' Mr. Peggotty began, as he -raised his eyes to ours, 'to my lodging, wheer I have a long time -been expecting of her and preparing fur her. It was hours afore -she knowed me right; and when she did, she kneeled down at my feet, -and kiender said to me, as if it was her prayers, how it all come -to be. You may believe me, when I heerd her voice, as I had heerd -at home so playful - and see her humbled, as it might be in the -dust our Saviour wrote in with his blessed hand - I felt a wownd go -to my 'art, in the midst of all its thankfulness.' - -He drew his sleeve across his face, without any pretence of -concealing why; and then cleared his voice. - -'It warn't for long as I felt that; for she was found. I had on'y -to think as she was found, and it was gone. I doen't know why I do -so much as mention of it now, I'm sure. I didn't have it in my -mind a minute ago, to say a word about myself; but it come up so -nat'ral, that I yielded to it afore I was aweer.' - -'You are a self-denying soul,' said my aunt, 'and will have your -reward.' - -Mr. Peggotty, with the shadows of the leaves playing athwart his -face, made a surprised inclination of the head towards my aunt, as -an acknowledgement of her good opinion; then took up the thread he -had relinquished. - -'When my Em'ly took flight,' he said, in stern wrath for the -moment, 'from the house wheer she was made a prisoner by that theer -spotted snake as Mas'r Davy see, - and his story's trew, and may -GOD confound him! - she took flight in the night. It was a dark -night, with a many stars a-shining. She was wild. She ran along -the sea beach, believing the old boat was theer; and calling out to -us to turn away our faces, for she was a-coming by. She heerd -herself a-crying out, like as if it was another person; and cut -herself on them sharp-pinted stones and rocks, and felt it no more -than if she had been rock herself. Ever so fur she run, and there -was fire afore her eyes, and roarings in her ears. Of a sudden - -or so she thowt, you unnerstand - the day broke, wet and windy, and -she was lying b'low a heap of stone upon the shore, and a woman was -a-speaking to her, saying, in the language of that country, what -was it as had gone so much amiss?' - -He saw everything he related. It passed before him, as he spoke, -so vividly, that, in the intensity of his earnestness, he presented -what he described to me, with greater distinctness than I can -express. I can hardly believe, writing now long afterwards, but -that I was actually present in these scenes; they are impressed -upon me with such an astonishing air of fidelity. - -'As Em'ly's eyes - which was heavy - see this woman better,' Mr. -Peggotty went on, 'she know'd as she was one of them as she had -often talked to on the beach. Fur, though she had run (as I have -said) ever so fur in the night, she had oftentimes wandered long -ways, partly afoot, partly in boats and carriages, and know'd all -that country, 'long the coast, miles and miles. She hadn't no -children of her own, this woman, being a young wife; but she was a- -looking to have one afore long. And may my prayers go up to Heaven -that 'twill be a happiness to her, and a comfort, and a honour, all -her life! May it love her and be dootiful to her, in her old age; -helpful of her at the last; a Angel to her heer, and heerafter!' - -'Amen!' said my aunt. - -'She had been summat timorous and down,' said Mr. Peggotty, and had -sat, at first, a little way off, at her spinning, or such work as -it was, when Em'ly talked to the children. But Em'ly had took -notice of her, and had gone and spoke to her; and as the young -woman was partial to the children herself, they had soon made -friends. Sermuchser, that when Em'ly went that way, she always giv -Em'ly flowers. This was her as now asked what it was that had gone -so much amiss. Em'ly told her, and she - took her home. She did -indeed. She took her home,' said Mr. Peggotty, covering his face. - -He was more affected by this act of kindness, than I had ever seen -him affected by anything since the night she went away. My aunt -and I did not attempt to disturb him. - -'It was a little cottage, you may suppose,' he said, presently, -'but she found space for Em'ly in it, - her husband was away at -sea, - and she kep it secret, and prevailed upon such neighbours as -she had (they was not many near) to keep it secret too. Em'ly was -took bad with fever, and, what is very strange to me is, - maybe -'tis not so strange to scholars, - the language of that country -went out of her head, and she could only speak her own, that no one -unnerstood. She recollects, as if she had dreamed it, that she lay -there always a-talking her own tongue, always believing as the old -boat was round the next pint in the bay, and begging and imploring -of 'em to send theer and tell how she was dying, and bring back a -message of forgiveness, if it was on'y a wured. A'most the whole -time, she thowt, - now, that him as I made mention on just now was -lurking for her unnerneath the winder; now that him as had brought -her to this was in the room, - and cried to the good young woman -not to give her up, and know'd, at the same time, that she couldn't -unnerstand, and dreaded that she must be took away. Likewise the -fire was afore her eyes, and the roarings in her ears; and theer -was no today, nor yesterday, nor yet tomorrow; but everything in -her life as ever had been, or as ever could be, and everything as -never had been, and as never could be, was a crowding on her all at -once, and nothing clear nor welcome, and yet she sang and laughed -about it! How long this lasted, I doen't know; but then theer come -a sleep; and in that sleep, from being a many times stronger than -her own self, she fell into the weakness of the littlest child.' - -Here he stopped, as if for relief from the terrors of his own -description. After being silent for a few moments, he pursued his -story. - -'It was a pleasant arternoon when she awoke; and so quiet, that -there warn't a sound but the rippling of that blue sea without a -tide, upon the shore. It was her belief, at first, that she was at -home upon a Sunday morning; but the vine leaves as she see at the -winder, and the hills beyond, warn't home, and contradicted of her. -Then, come in her friend to watch alongside of her bed; and then -she know'd as the old boat warn't round that next pint in the bay -no more, but was fur off; and know'd where she was, and why; and -broke out a-crying on that good young woman's bosom, wheer I hope -her baby is a-lying now, a-cheering of her with its pretty eyes!' - -He could not speak of this good friend of Emily's without a flow of -tears. It was in vain to try. He broke down again, endeavouring -to bless her! - -'That done my Em'ly good,' he resumed, after such emotion as I -could not behold without sharing in; and as to my aunt, she wept -with all her heart; 'that done Em'ly good, and she begun to mend. -But, the language of that country was quite gone from her, and she -was forced to make signs. So she went on, getting better from day -to day, slow, but sure, and trying to learn the names of common -things - names as she seemed never to have heerd in all her life - -till one evening come, when she was a-setting at her window, -looking at a little girl at play upon the beach. And of a sudden -this child held out her hand, and said, what would be in English, -"Fisherman's daughter, here's a shell!" - for you are to unnerstand -that they used at first to call her "Pretty lady", as the general -way in that country is, and that she had taught 'em to call her -"Fisherman's daughter" instead. The child says of a sudden, -"Fisherman's daughter, here's a shell!" Then Em'ly unnerstands her; -and she answers, bursting out a-crying; and it all comes back! - -'When Em'ly got strong again,' said Mr. Peggotty, after another -short interval of silence, 'she cast about to leave that good young -creetur, and get to her own country. The husband was come home, -then; and the two together put her aboard a small trader bound to -Leghorn, and from that to France. She had a little money, but it -was less than little as they would take for all they done. I'm -a'most glad on it, though they was so poor! What they done, is laid -up wheer neither moth or rust doth corrupt, and wheer thieves do -not break through nor steal. Mas'r Davy, it'll outlast all the -treasure in the wureld. - -'Em'ly got to France, and took service to wait on travelling ladies -at a inn in the port. Theer, theer come, one day, that snake. - -Let him never come nigh me. I doen't know what hurt I might do -him! - Soon as she see him, without him seeing her, all her fear -and wildness returned upon her, and she fled afore the very breath -he draw'd. She come to England, and was set ashore at Dover. - -'I doen't know,' said Mr. Peggotty, 'for sure, when her 'art begun -to fail her; but all the way to England she had thowt to come to -her dear home. Soon as she got to England she turned her face -tow'rds it. But, fear of not being forgiv, fear of being pinted -at, fear of some of us being dead along of her, fear of many -things, turned her from it, kiender by force, upon the road: -"Uncle, uncle," she says to me, "the fear of not being worthy to do -what my torn and bleeding breast so longed to do, was the most -fright'ning fear of all! I turned back, when my 'art was full of -prayers that I might crawl to the old door-step, in the night, kiss -it, lay my wicked face upon it, and theer be found dead in the -morning." - -'She come,' said Mr. Peggotty, dropping his voice to an -awe-stricken whisper, 'to London. She - as had never seen it in -her life - alone - without a penny - young - so pretty - come to -London. A'most the moment as she lighted heer, all so desolate, -she found (as she believed) a friend; a decent woman as spoke to -her about the needle-work as she had been brought up to do, about -finding plenty of it fur her, about a lodging fur the night, and -making secret inquiration concerning of me and all at home, -tomorrow. When my child,' he said aloud, and with an energy of -gratitude that shook him from head to foot, 'stood upon the brink -of more than I can say or think on - Martha, trew to her promise, -saved her.' - -I could not repress a cry of joy. - -'Mas'r Davy!' said he, gripping my hand in that strong hand of his, -'it was you as first made mention of her to me. I thankee, sir! -She was arnest. She had know'd of her bitter knowledge wheer to -watch and what to do. She had done it. And the Lord was above -all! She come, white and hurried, upon Em'ly in her sleep. She -says to her, "Rise up from worse than death, and come with me!" -Them belonging to the house would have stopped her, but they might -as soon have stopped the sea. "Stand away from me," she says, "I -am a ghost that calls her from beside her open grave!" She told -Em'ly she had seen me, and know'd I loved her, and forgive her. -She wrapped her, hasty, in her clothes. She took her, faint and -trembling, on her arm. She heeded no more what they said, than if -she had had no ears. She walked among 'em with my child, minding -only her; and brought her safe out, in the dead of the night, from -that black pit of ruin! - -'She attended on Em'ly,' said Mr. Peggotty, who had released my -hand, and put his own hand on his heaving chest; 'she attended to -my Em'ly, lying wearied out, and wandering betwixt whiles, till -late next day. Then she went in search of me; then in search of -you, Mas'r Davy. She didn't tell Em'ly what she come out fur, lest -her 'art should fail, and she should think of hiding of herself. -How the cruel lady know'd of her being theer, I can't say. Whether -him as I have spoke so much of, chanced to see 'em going theer, or -whether (which is most like, to my thinking) he had heerd it from -the woman, I doen't greatly ask myself. My niece is found. - -'All night long,' said Mr. Peggotty, 'we have been together, Em'ly -and me. 'Tis little (considering the time) as she has said, in -wureds, through them broken-hearted tears; 'tis less as I have seen -of her dear face, as grow'd into a woman's at my hearth. But, all -night long, her arms has been about my neck; and her head has laid -heer; and we knows full well, as we can put our trust in one -another, ever more.' - -He ceased to speak, and his hand upon the table rested there in -perfect repose, with a resolution in it that might have conquered -lions. - -'It was a gleam of light upon me, Trot,' said my aunt, drying her -eyes, 'when I formed the resolution of being godmother to your -sister Betsey Trotwood, who disappointed me; but, next to that, -hardly anything would have given me greater pleasure, than to be -godmother to that good young creature's baby!' - -Mr. Peggotty nodded his understanding of my aunt's feelings, but -could not trust himself with any verbal reference to the subject of -her commendation. We all remained silent, and occupied with our -own reflections (my aunt drying her eyes, and now sobbing -convulsively, and now laughing and calling herself a fool); until -I spoke. - -'You have quite made up your mind,' said I to Mr. Peggotty, 'as to -the future, good friend? I need scarcely ask you.' - -'Quite, Mas'r Davy,' he returned; 'and told Em'ly. Theer's mighty -countries, fur from heer. Our future life lays over the sea.' - -'They will emigrate together, aunt,' said I. - -'Yes!' said Mr. Peggotty, with a hopeful smile. 'No one can't -reproach my darling in Australia. We will begin a new life over -theer!' - -I asked him if he yet proposed to himself any time for going away. - -'I was down at the Docks early this morning, sir,' he returned, 'to -get information concerning of them ships. In about six weeks or -two months from now, there'll be one sailing - I see her this -morning - went aboard - and we shall take our passage in her.' - -'Quite alone?' I asked. - -'Aye, Mas'r Davy!' he returned. 'My sister, you see, she's that -fond of you and yourn, and that accustomed to think on'y of her own -country, that it wouldn't be hardly fair to let her go. Besides -which, theer's one she has in charge, Mas'r Davy, as doen't ought -to be forgot.' - -'Poor Ham!' said I. - -'My good sister takes care of his house, you see, ma'am, and he -takes kindly to her,' Mr. Peggotty explained for my aunt's better -information. 'He'll set and talk to her, with a calm spirit, wen -it's like he couldn't bring himself to open his lips to another. -Poor fellow!' said Mr. Peggotty, shaking his head, 'theer's not so -much left him, that he could spare the little as he has!' - -'And Mrs. Gummidge?' said I. - -'Well, I've had a mort of consideration, I do tell you,' returned -Mr. Peggotty, with a perplexed look which gradually cleared as he -went on, 'concerning of Missis Gummidge. You see, wen Missis -Gummidge falls a-thinking of the old 'un, she an't what you may -call good company. Betwixt you and me, Mas'r Davy - and you, ma'am -- wen Mrs. Gummidge takes to wimicking,' - our old country word for -crying, - 'she's liable to be considered to be, by them as didn't -know the old 'un, peevish-like. Now I DID know the old 'un,' said -Mr. Peggotty, 'and I know'd his merits, so I unnerstan' her; but -'tan't entirely so, you see, with others - nat'rally can't be!' - -My aunt and I both acquiesced. - -'Wheerby,' said Mr. Peggotty, 'my sister might - I doen't say she -would, but might - find Missis Gummidge give her a leetle trouble -now-and-again. Theerfur 'tan't my intentions to moor Missis -Gummidge 'long with them, but to find a Beein' fur her wheer she -can fisherate for herself.' (A Beein' signifies, in that dialect, -a home, and to fisherate is to provide.) 'Fur which purpose,' said -Mr. Peggotty, 'I means to make her a 'lowance afore I go, as'll -leave her pretty comfort'ble. She's the faithfullest of creeturs. -'Tan't to be expected, of course, at her time of life, and being -lone and lorn, as the good old Mawther is to be knocked about -aboardship, and in the woods and wilds of a new and fur-away -country. So that's what I'm a-going to do with her.' - -He forgot nobody. He thought of everybody's claims and strivings, -but his own. - -'Em'ly,' he continued, 'will keep along with me - poor child, she's -sore in need of peace and rest! - until such time as we goes upon -our voyage. She'll work at them clothes, as must be made; and I -hope her troubles will begin to seem longer ago than they was, wen -she finds herself once more by her rough but loving uncle.' - -MY aunt nodded confirmation of this hope, and imparted great -satisfaction to Mr. Peggotty. - -'Theer's one thing furder, Mas'r Davy,' said he, putting his hand -in his breast-pocket, and gravely taking out the little paper -bundle I had seen before, which he unrolled on the table. 'Theer's -these here banknotes - fifty pound, and ten. To them I wish to add -the money as she come away with. I've asked her about that (but -not saying why), and have added of it up. I an't a scholar. Would -you be so kind as see how 'tis?' - -He handed me, apologetically for his scholarship, a piece of paper, -and observed me while I looked it over. It was quite right. - -'Thankee, sir,' he said, taking it back. 'This money, if you -doen't see objections, Mas'r Davy, I shall put up jest afore I go, -in a cover directed to him; and put that up in another, directed to -his mother. I shall tell her, in no more wureds than I speak to -you, what it's the price on; and that I'm gone, and past receiving -of it back.' - -I told him that I thought it would be right to do so - that I was -thoroughly convinced it would be, since he felt it to be right. - -'I said that theer was on'y one thing furder,' he proceeded with a -grave smile, when he had made up his little bundle again, and put -it in his pocket; 'but theer was two. I warn't sure in my mind, -wen I come out this morning, as I could go and break to Ham, of my -own self, what had so thankfully happened. So I writ a letter -while I was out, and put it in the post-office, telling of 'em how -all was as 'tis; and that I should come down tomorrow to unload my -mind of what little needs a-doing of down theer, and, most-like, -take my farewell leave of Yarmouth.' - -'And do you wish me to go with you?' said I, seeing that he left -something unsaid. - -'If you could do me that kind favour, Mas'r Davy,' he replied. 'I -know the sight on you would cheer 'em up a bit.' - -My little Dora being in good spirits, and very desirous that I -should go - as I found on talking it over with her - I readily -pledged myself to accompany him in accordance with his wish. Next -morning, consequently, we were on the Yarmouth coach, and again -travelling over the old ground. - -As we passed along the familiar street at night - Mr. Peggotty, in -despite of all my remonstrances, carrying my bag - I glanced into -Omer and Joram's shop, and saw my old friend Mr. Omer there, -smoking his pipe. I felt reluctant to be present, when Mr. -Peggotty first met his sister and Ham; and made Mr. Omer my excuse -for lingering behind. - -'How is Mr. Omer, after this long time?' said I, going in. - -He fanned away the smoke of his pipe, that he might get a better -view of me, and soon recognized me with great delight. - -'I should get up, sir, to acknowledge such an honour as this -visit,' said he, 'only my limbs are rather out of sorts, and I am -wheeled about. With the exception of my limbs and my breath, -howsoever, I am as hearty as a man can be, I'm thankful to say.' - -I congratulated him on his contented looks and his good spirits, -and saw, now, that his easy-chair went on wheels. - -'It's an ingenious thing, ain't it?' he inquired, following the -direction of my glance, and polishing the elbow with his arm. 'It -runs as light as a feather, and tracks as true as a mail-coach. -Bless you, my little Minnie - my grand-daughter you know, Minnie's -child - puts her little strength against the back, gives it a -shove, and away we go, as clever and merry as ever you see -anything! And I tell you what - it's a most uncommon chair to smoke -a pipe in.' - -I never saw such a good old fellow to make the best of a thing, and -find out the enjoyment of it, as Mr. Omer. He was as radiant, as -if his chair, his asthma, and the failure of his limbs, were the -various branches of a great invention for enhancing the luxury of -a pipe. - -'I see more of the world, I can assure you,' said Mr. Omer, 'in -this chair, than ever I see out of it. You'd be surprised at the -number of people that looks in of a day to have a chat. You really -would! There's twice as much in the newspaper, since I've taken to -this chair, as there used to be. As to general reading, dear me, -what a lot of it I do get through! That's what I feel so strong, -you know! If it had been my eyes, what should I have done? If it -had been my ears, what should I have done? Being my limbs, what -does it signify? Why, my limbs only made my breath shorter when I -used 'em. And now, if I want to go out into the street or down to -the sands, I've only got to call Dick, Joram's youngest 'prentice, -and away I go in my own carriage, like the Lord Mayor of London.' - -He half suffocated himself with laughing here. - -'Lord bless you!' said Mr. Omer, resuming his pipe, 'a man must -take the fat with the lean; that's what he must make up his mind -to, in this life. Joram does a fine business. Ex-cellent -business!' - -'I am very glad to hear it,' said I. - -'I knew you would be,' said Mr. Omer. 'And Joram and Minnie are -like Valentines. What more can a man expect? What's his limbs to -that!' - -His supreme contempt for his own limbs, as he sat smoking, was one -of the pleasantest oddities I have ever encountered. - -'And since I've took to general reading, you've took to general -writing, eh, sir?' said Mr. Omer, surveying me admiringly. 'What -a lovely work that was of yours! What expressions in it! I read it -every word - every word. And as to feeling sleepy! Not at all!' - -I laughingly expressed my satisfaction, but I must confess that I -thought this association of ideas significant. - -'I give you my word and honour, sir,' said Mr. Omer, 'that when I -lay that book upon the table, and look at it outside; compact in -three separate and indiwidual wollumes - one, two, three; I am as -proud as Punch to think that I once had the honour of being -connected with your family. And dear me, it's a long time ago, -now, ain't it? Over at Blunderstone. With a pretty little party -laid along with the other party. And you quite a small party then, -yourself. Dear, dear!' - -I changed the subject by referring to Emily. After assuring him -that I did not forget how interested he had always been in her, and -how kindly he had always treated her, I gave him a general account -of her restoration to her uncle by the aid of Martha; which I knew -would please the old man. He listened with the utmost attention, -and said, feelingly, when I had done: - -'I am rejoiced at it, sir! It's the best news I have heard for many -a day. Dear, dear, dear! And what's going to be undertook for that -unfortunate young woman, Martha, now?' - -'You touch a point that my thoughts have been dwelling on since -yesterday,' said I, 'but on which I can give you no information -yet, Mr. Omer. Mr. Peggotty has not alluded to it, and I have a -delicacy in doing so. I am sure he has not forgotten it. He -forgets nothing that is disinterested and good.' - -'Because you know,' said Mr. Omer, taking himself up, where he had -left off, 'whatever is done, I should wish to be a member of. Put -me down for anything you may consider right, and let me know. I -never could think the girl all bad, and I am glad to find she's -not. So will my daughter Minnie be. Young women are contradictory -creatures in some things - her mother was just the same as her - -but their hearts are soft and kind. It's all show with Minnie, -about Martha. Why she should consider it necessary to make any -show, I don't undertake to tell you. But it's all show, bless you. -She'd do her any kindness in private. So, put me down for whatever -you may consider right, will you be so good? and drop me a line -where to forward it. Dear me!' said Mr. Omer, 'when a man is -drawing on to a time of life, where the two ends of life meet; when -he finds himself, however hearty he is, being wheeled about for the -second time, in a speeches of go-cart; he should be over-rejoiced -to do a kindness if he can. He wants plenty. And I don't speak of -myself, particular,' said Mr. Omer, 'because, sir, the way I look -at it is, that we are all drawing on to the bottom of the hill, -whatever age we are, on account of time never standing still for a -single moment. So let us always do a kindness, and be -over-rejoiced. To be sure!' - -He knocked the ashes out of his pipe, and put it on a ledge in the -back of his chair, expressly made for its reception. - -'There's Em'ly's cousin, him that she was to have been married to,' -said Mr. Omer, rubbing his hands feebly, 'as fine a fellow as there -is in Yarmouth! He'll come and talk or read to me, in the evening, -for an hour together sometimes. That's a kindness, I should call -it! All his life's a kindness.' - -'I am going to see him now,' said I. - -'Are you?' said Mr. Omer. 'Tell him I was hearty, and sent my -respects. Minnie and Joram's at a ball. They would be as proud to -see you as I am, if they was at home. Minnie won't hardly go out -at all, you see, "on account of father", as she says. So I swore -tonight, that if she didn't go, I'd go to bed at six. In -consequence of which,' Mr. Omer shook himself and his chair with -laughter at the success of his device, 'she and Joram's at a ball.' - -I shook hands with him, and wished him good night. - -'Half a minute, sir,' said Mr. Omer. 'If you was to go without -seeing my little elephant, you'd lose the best of sights. You -never see such a sight! Minnie!' -A musical little voice answered, from somewhere upstairs, 'I am -coming, grandfather!' and a pretty little girl with long, flaxen, -curling hair, soon came running into the shop. - -'This is my little elephant, sir,' said Mr. Omer, fondling the -child. 'Siamese breed, sir. Now, little elephant!' - -The little elephant set the door of the parlour open, enabling me -to see that, in these latter days, it was converted into a bedroom -for Mr. Omer who could not be easily conveyed upstairs; and then -hid her pretty forehead, and tumbled her long hair, against the -back of Mr. Omer's chair. - -'The elephant butts, you know, sir,' said Mr. Omer, winking, 'when -he goes at a object. Once, elephant. Twice. Three times!' - -At this signal, the little elephant, with a dexterity that was next -to marvellous in so small an animal, whisked the chair round with -Mr. Omer in it, and rattled it off, pell-mell, into the parlour, -without touching the door-post: Mr. Omer indescribably enjoying the -performance, and looking back at me on the road as if it were the -triumphant issue of his life's exertions. - -After a stroll about the town I went to Ham's house. Peggotty had -now removed here for good; and had let her own house to the -successor of Mr. Barkis in the carrying business, who had paid her -very well for the good-will, cart, and horse. I believe the very -same slow horse that Mr. Barkis drove was still at work. - -I found them in the neat kitchen, accompanied by Mrs. Gummidge, who -had been fetched from the old boat by Mr. Peggotty himself. I -doubt if she could have been induced to desert her post, by anyone -else. He had evidently told them all. Both Peggotty and Mrs. -Gummidge had their aprons to their eyes, and Ham had just stepped -out 'to take a turn on the beach'. He presently came home, very -glad to see me; and I hope they were all the better for my being -there. We spoke, with some approach to cheerfulness, of Mr. -Peggotty's growing rich in a new country, and of the wonders he -would describe in his letters. We said nothing of Emily by name, -but distantly referred to her more than once. Ham was the serenest -of the party. - -But, Peggotty told me, when she lighted me to a little chamber -where the Crocodile book was lying ready for me on the table, that -he always was the same. She believed (she told me, crying) that he -was broken-hearted; though he was as full of courage as of -sweetness, and worked harder and better than any boat-builder in -any yard in all that part. There were times, she said, of an -evening, when he talked of their old life in the boat-house; and -then he mentioned Emily as a child. But, he never mentioned her as -a woman. - -I thought I had read in his face that he would like to speak to me -alone. I therefore resolved to put myself in his way next evening, -as he came home from his work. Having settled this with myself, I -fell asleep. That night, for the first time in all those many -nights, the candle was taken out of the window, Mr. Peggotty swung -in his old hammock in the old boat, and the wind murmured with the -old sound round his head. - -All next day, he was occupied in disposing of his fishing-boat and -tackle; in packing up, and sending to London by waggon, such of his -little domestic possessions as he thought would be useful to him; -and in parting with the rest, or bestowing them on Mrs. Gummidge. -She was with him all day. As I had a sorrowful wish to see the old -place once more, before it was locked up, I engaged to meet them -there in the evening. But I so arranged it, as that I should meet -Ham first. - -It was easy to come in his way, as I knew where he worked. I met -him at a retired part of the sands, which I knew he would cross, -and turned back with him, that he might have leisure to speak to me -if he really wished. I had not mistaken the expression of his -face. We had walked but a little way together, when he said, -without looking at me: - -'Mas'r Davy, have you seen her?' - -'Only for a moment, when she was in a swoon,' I softly answered. - -We walked a little farther, and he said: - -'Mas'r Davy, shall you see her, d'ye think?' - -'It would be too painful to her, perhaps,' said I. - -'I have thowt of that,' he replied. 'So 'twould, sir, so 'twould.' - -'But, Ham,' said I, gently, 'if there is anything that I could -write to her, for you, in case I could not tell it; if there is -anything you would wish to make known to her through me; I should -consider it a sacred trust.' - -'I am sure on't. I thankee, sir, most kind! I think theer is -something I could wish said or wrote.' - -'What is it?' - -We walked a little farther in silence, and then he spoke. - -''Tan't that I forgive her. 'Tan't that so much. 'Tis more as I -beg of her to forgive me, for having pressed my affections upon -her. Odd times, I think that if I hadn't had her promise fur to -marry me, sir, she was that trustful of me, in a friendly way, that -she'd have told me what was struggling in her mind, and would have -counselled with me, and I might have saved her.' - -I pressed his hand. 'Is that all?' -'Theer's yet a something else,' he returned, 'if I can say it, -Mas'r Davy.' - -We walked on, farther than we had walked yet, before he spoke -again. He was not crying when he made the pauses I shall express -by lines. He was merely collecting himself to speak very plainly. - -'I loved her - and I love the mem'ry of her - too deep - to be able -to lead her to believe of my own self as I'm a happy man. I could -only be happy - by forgetting of her - and I'm afeerd I couldn't -hardly bear as she should be told I done that. But if you, being -so full of learning, Mas'r Davy, could think of anything to say as -might bring her to believe I wasn't greatly hurt: still loving of -her, and mourning for her: anything as might bring her to believe -as I was not tired of my life, and yet was hoping fur to see her -without blame, wheer the wicked cease from troubling and the weary -are at rest - anything as would ease her sorrowful mind, and yet -not make her think as I could ever marry, or as 'twas possible that -anyone could ever be to me what she was - I should ask of you to -say that - with my prayers for her - that was so dear.' - -I pressed his manly hand again, and told him I would charge myself -to do this as well as I could. - -'I thankee, sir,' he answered. ''Twas kind of you to meet me. -'Twas kind of you to bear him company down. Mas'r Davy, I -unnerstan' very well, though my aunt will come to Lon'on afore they -sail, and they'll unite once more, that I am not like to see him -agen. I fare to feel sure on't. We doen't say so, but so 'twill -be, and better so. The last you see on him - the very last - will -you give him the lovingest duty and thanks of the orphan, as he was -ever more than a father to?' - -This I also promised, faithfully. - -'I thankee agen, sir,' he said, heartily shaking hands. 'I know -wheer you're a-going. Good-bye!' - -With a slight wave of his hand, as though to explain to me that he -could not enter the old place, he turned away. As I looked after -his figure, crossing the waste in the moonlight, I saw him turn his -face towards a strip of silvery light upon the sea, and pass on, -looking at it, until he was a shadow in the distance. - -The door of the boat-house stood open when I approached; and, on -entering, I found it emptied of all its furniture, saving one of -the old lockers, on which Mrs. Gummidge, with a basket on her knee, -was seated, looking at Mr. Peggotty. He leaned his elbow on the -rough chimney-piece, and gazed upon a few expiring embers in the -grate; but he raised his head, hopefully, on my coming in, and -spoke in a cheery manner. - -'Come, according to promise, to bid farewell to 't, eh, Mas'r -Davy?' he said, taking up the candle. 'Bare enough, now, an't it?' -'Indeed you have made good use of the time,' said I. - -'Why, we have not been idle, sir. Missis Gummidge has worked like -a - I doen't know what Missis Gummidge an't worked like,' said Mr. -Peggotty, looking at her, at a loss for a sufficiently approving -simile. - -Mrs. Gummidge, leaning on her basket, made no observation. - -'Theer's the very locker that you used to sit on, 'long with -Em'ly!' said Mr. Peggotty, in a whisper. 'I'm a-going to carry it -away with me, last of all. And heer's your old little bedroom, -see, Mas'r Davy! A'most as bleak tonight, as 'art could wish!' - -In truth, the wind, though it was low, had a solemn sound, and -crept around the deserted house with a whispered wailing that was -very mournful. Everything was gone, down to the little mirror with -the oyster-shell frame. I thought of myself, lying here, when that -first great change was being wrought at home. I thought of the -blue-eyed child who had enchanted me. I thought of Steerforth: and -a foolish, fearful fancy came upon me of his being near at hand, -and liable to be met at any turn. - -''Tis like to be long,' said Mr. Peggotty, in a low voice, 'afore -the boat finds new tenants. They look upon 't, down beer, as being -unfortunate now!' - -'Does it belong to anybody in the neighbourhood?' I asked. - -'To a mast-maker up town,' said Mr. Peggotty. 'I'm a-going to give -the key to him tonight.' - -We looked into the other little room, and came back to Mrs. -Gummidge, sitting on the locker, whom Mr. Peggotty, putting the -light on the chimney-piece, requested to rise, that he might carry -it outside the door before extinguishing the candle. - -'Dan'l,' said Mrs. Gummidge, suddenly deserting her basket, and -clinging to his arm 'my dear Dan'l, the parting words I speak in -this house is, I mustn't be left behind. Doen't ye think of -leaving me behind, Dan'l! Oh, doen't ye ever do it!' - -Mr. Peggotty, taken aback, looked from Mrs. Gummidge to me, and -from me to Mrs. Gummidge, as if he had been awakened from a sleep. - -'Doen't ye, dearest Dan'l, doen't ye!' cried Mrs. Gummidge, -fervently. 'Take me 'long with you, Dan'l, take me 'long with you -and Em'ly! I'll be your servant, constant and trew. If there's -slaves in them parts where you're a-going, I'll be bound to you for -one, and happy, but doen't ye leave me behind, Dan'l, that's a -deary dear!' - -'My good soul,' said Mr. Peggotty, shaking his head, 'you doen't -know what a long voyage, and what a hard life 'tis!' -'Yes, I do, Dan'l! I can guess!' cried Mrs. Gummidge. 'But my -parting words under this roof is, I shall go into the house and -die, if I am not took. I can dig, Dan'l. I can work. I can live -hard. I can be loving and patient now - more than you think, -Dan'l, if you'll on'y try me. I wouldn't touch the 'lowance, not -if I was dying of want, Dan'l Peggotty; but I'll go with you and -Em'ly, if you'll on'y let me, to the world's end! I know how 'tis; -I know you think that I am lone and lorn; but, deary love, 'tan't -so no more! I ain't sat here, so long, a-watching, and a-thinking -of your trials, without some good being done me. Mas'r Davy, speak -to him for me! I knows his ways, and Em'ly's, and I knows their -sorrows, and can be a comfort to 'em, some odd times, and labour -for 'em allus! Dan'l, deary Dan'l, let me go 'long with you!' - -And Mrs. Gummidge took his hand, and kissed it with a homely pathos -and affection, in a homely rapture of devotion and gratitude, that -he well deserved. - -We brought the locker out, extinguished the candle, fastened the -door on the outside, and left the old boat close shut up, a dark -speck in the cloudy night. Next day, when we were returning to -London outside the coach, Mrs. Gummidge and her basket were on the -seat behind, and Mrs. Gummidge was happy. - - - -CHAPTER 52 -I ASSIST AT AN EXPLOSION - - -When the time Mr. Micawber had appointed so mysteriously, was -within four-and-twenty hours of being come, my aunt and I consulted -how we should proceed; for my aunt was very unwilling to leave -Dora. Ah! how easily I carried Dora up and down stairs, now! - -We were disposed, notwithstanding Mr. Micawber's stipulation for my -aunt's attendance, to arrange that she should stay at home, and be -represented by Mr. Dick and me. In short, we had resolved to take -this course, when Dora again unsettled us by declaring that she -never would forgive herself, and never would forgive her bad boy, -if my aunt remained behind, on any pretence. - -'I won't speak to you,' said Dora, shaking her curls at my aunt. -'I'll be disagreeable! I'll make Jip bark at you all day. I shall -be sure that you really are a cross old thing, if you don't go!' - -'Tut, Blossom!' laughed my aunt. 'You know you can't do without -me!' - -'Yes, I can,' said Dora. 'You are no use to me at all. You never -run up and down stairs for me, all day long. You never sit and -tell me stories about Doady, when his shoes were worn out, and he -was covered with dust - oh, what a poor little mite of a fellow! -You never do anything at all to please me, do you, dear?' Dora made -haste to kiss my aunt, and say, 'Yes, you do! I'm only joking!'- -lest my aunt should think she really meant it. - -'But, aunt,' said Dora, coaxingly, 'now listen. You must go. I -shall tease you, 'till you let me have my own way about it. I -shall lead my naughty boy such a life, if he don't make you go. I -shall make myself so disagreeable - and so will Jip! You'll wish -you had gone, like a good thing, for ever and ever so long, if you -don't go. Besides,' said Dora, putting back her hair, and looking -wonderingly at my aunt and me, 'why shouldn't you both go? I am -not very ill indeed. Am I?' - -'Why, what a question!' cried my aunt. - -'What a fancy!' said I. - -'Yes! I know I am a silly little thing!' said Dora, slowly looking -from one of us to the other, and then putting up her pretty lips to -kiss us as she lay upon her couch. 'Well, then, you must both go, -or I shall not believe you; and then I shall cry!' - -I saw, in my aunt's face, that she began to give way now, and Dora -brightened again, as she saw it too. - -'You'll come back with so much to tell me, that it'll take at least -a week to make me understand!' said Dora. 'Because I know I shan't -understand, for a length of time, if there's any business in it. -And there's sure to be some business in it! If there's anything to -add up, besides, I don't know when I shall make it out; and my bad -boy will look so miserable all the time. There! Now you'll go, -won't you? You'll only be gone one night, and Jip will take care -of me while you are gone. Doady will carry me upstairs before you -go, and I won't come down again till you come back; and you shall -take Agnes a dreadfully scolding letter from me, because she has -never been to see us!' - -We agreed, without any more consultation, that we would both go, -and that Dora was a little Impostor, who feigned to be rather -unwell, because she liked to be petted. She was greatly pleased, -and very merry; and we four, that is to say, my aunt, Mr. Dick, -Traddles, and I, went down to Canterbury by the Dover mail that -night. - -At the hotel where Mr. Micawber had requested us to await him, -which we got into, with some trouble, in the middle of the night, -I found a letter, importing that he would appear in the morning -punctually at half past nine. After which, we went shivering, at -that uncomfortable hour, to our respective beds, through various -close passages; which smelt as if they had been steeped, for ages, -in a solution of soup and stables. - -Early in the morning, I sauntered through the dear old tranquil -streets, and again mingled with the shadows of the venerable -gateways and churches. The rooks were sailing about the cathedral -towers; and the towers themselves, overlooking many a long -unaltered mile of the rich country and its pleasant streams, were -cutting the bright morning air, as if there were no such thing as -change on earth. Yet the bells, when they sounded, told me -sorrowfully of change in everything; told me of their own age, and -my pretty Dora's youth; and of the many, never old, who had lived -and loved and died, while the reverberations of the bells had -hummed through the rusty armour of the Black Prince hanging up -within, and, motes upon the deep of Time, had lost themselves in -air, as circles do in water. - -I looked at the old house from the corner of the street, but did -not go nearer to it, lest, being observed, I might unwittingly do -any harm to the design I had come to aid. The early sun was -striking edgewise on its gables and lattice-windows, touching them -with gold; and some beams of its old peace seemed to touch my -heart. - -I strolled into the country for an hour or so, and then returned by -the main street, which in the interval had shaken off its last -night's sleep. Among those who were stirring in the shops, I saw -my ancient enemy the butcher, now advanced to top-boots and a baby, -and in business for himself. He was nursing the baby, and appeared -to be a benignant member of society. - -We all became very anxious and impatient, when we sat down to -breakfast. As it approached nearer and nearer to half past nine -o'clock, our restless expectation of Mr. Micawber increased. At -last we made no more pretence of attending to the meal, which, -except with Mr. Dick, had been a mere form from the first; but my -aunt walked up and down the room, Traddles sat upon the sofa -affecting to read the paper with his eyes on the ceiling; and I -looked out of the window to give early notice of Mr. Micawber's -coming. Nor had I long to watch, for, at the first chime of the -half hour, he appeared in the street. - -'Here he is,' said I, 'and not in his legal attire!' - -My aunt tied the strings of her bonnet (she had come down to -breakfast in it), and put on her shawl, as if she were ready for -anything that was resolute and uncompromising. Traddles buttoned -his coat with a determined air. Mr. Dick, disturbed by these -formidable appearances, but feeling it necessary to imitate them, -pulled his hat, with both hands, as firmly over his ears as he -possibly could; and instantly took it off again, to welcome Mr. -Micawber. - -'Gentlemen, and madam,' said Mr. Micawber, 'good morning! My dear -sir,' to Mr. Dick, who shook hands with him violently, 'you are -extremely good.' - -'Have you breakfasted?' said Mr. Dick. 'Have a chop!' - -'Not for the world, my good sir!' cried Mr. Micawber, stopping him -on his way to the bell; 'appetite and myself, Mr. Dixon, have long -been strangers.' - -Mr. Dixon was so well pleased with his new name, and appeared to -think it so obliging in Mr. Micawber to confer it upon him, that he -shook hands with him again, and laughed rather childishly. - -'Dick,' said my aunt, 'attention!' - -Mr. Dick recovered himself, with a blush. - -'Now, sir,' said my aunt to Mr. Micawber, as she put on her gloves, -'we are ready for Mount Vesuvius, or anything else, as soon as YOU -please.' - -'Madam,' returned Mr. Micawber, 'I trust you will shortly witness -an eruption. Mr. Traddles, I have your permission, I believe, to -mention here that we have been in communication together?' - -'It is undoubtedly the fact, Copperfield,' said Traddles, to whom -I looked in surprise. 'Mr. Micawber has consulted me in reference -to what he has in contemplation; and I have advised him to the best -of my judgement.' - -'Unless I deceive myself, Mr. Traddles,' pursued Mr. Micawber, -'what I contemplate is a disclosure of an important nature.' - -'Highly so,' said Traddles. - -'Perhaps, under such circumstances, madam and gentlemen,' said Mr. -Micawber, 'you will do me the favour to submit yourselves, for the -moment, to the direction of one who, however unworthy to be -regarded in any other light but as a Waif and Stray upon the shore -of human nature, is still your fellow-man, though crushed out of -his original form by individual errors, and the accumulative force -of a combination of circumstances?' - -'We have perfect confidence in you, Mr. Micawber,' said I, 'and -will do what you please.' - -'Mr. Copperfield,' returned Mr. Micawber, 'your confidence is not, -at the existing juncture, ill-bestowed. I would beg to be allowed -a start of five minutes by the clock; and then to receive the -present company, inquiring for Miss Wickfield, at the office of -Wickfield and Heep, whose Stipendiary I am.' - -My aunt and I looked at Traddles, who nodded his approval. - -'I have no more,' observed Mr. Micawber, 'to say at present.' - -With which, to my infinite surprise, he included us all in a -comprehensive bow, and disappeared; his manner being extremely -distant, and his face extremely pale. - -Traddles only smiled, and shook his head (with his hair standing -upright on the top of it), when I looked to him for an explanation; -so I took out my watch, and, as a last resource, counted off the -five minutes. My aunt, with her own watch in her hand, did the -like. When the time was expired, Traddles gave her his arm; and we -all went out together to the old house, without saying one word on -the way. - -We found Mr. Micawber at his desk, in the turret office on the -ground floor, either writing, or pretending to write, hard. The -large office-ruler was stuck into his waistcoat, and was not so -well concealed but that a foot or more of that instrument protruded -from his bosom, like a new kind of shirt-frill. - -As it appeared to me that I was expected to speak, I said aloud: - -'How do you do, Mr. Micawber?' - -'Mr. Copperfield,' said Mr. Micawber, gravely, 'I hope I see you -well?' - -'Is Miss Wickfield at home?' said I. - -'Mr. Wickfield is unwell in bed, sir, of a rheumatic fever,' he -returned; 'but Miss Wickfield, I have no doubt, will be happy to -see old friends. Will you walk in, sir?' - -He preceded us to the dining-room - the first room I had entered in -that house - and flinging open the door of Mr. Wickfield's former -office, said, in a sonorous voice: - -'Miss Trotwood, Mr. David Copperfield, Mr. Thomas Traddles, and Mr. -Dixon!' - -I had not seen Uriah Heep since the time of the blow. Our visit -astonished him, evidently; not the less, I dare say, because it -astonished ourselves. He did not gather his eyebrows together, for -he had none worth mentioning; but he frowned to that degree that he -almost closed his small eyes, while the hurried raising of his -grisly hand to his chin betrayed some trepidation or surprise. -This was only when we were in the act of entering his room, and -when I caught a glance at him over my aunt's shoulder. A moment -afterwards, he was as fawning and as humble as ever. - -'Well, I am sure,' he said. 'This is indeed an unexpected -pleasure! To have, as I may say, all friends round St. Paul's at -once, is a treat unlooked for! Mr. Copperfield, I hope I see you -well, and - if I may umbly express myself so - friendly towards -them as is ever your friends, whether or not. Mrs. Copperfield, -sir, I hope she's getting on. We have been made quite uneasy by -the poor accounts we have had of her state, lately, I do assure -you.' - -I felt ashamed to let him take my hand, but I did not know yet what -else to do. - -'Things are changed in this office, Miss Trotwood, since I was an -umble clerk, and held your pony; ain't they?' said Uriah, with his -sickliest smile. 'But I am not changed, Miss Trotwood.' - -'Well, sir,' returned my aunt, 'to tell you the truth, I think you -are pretty constant to the promise of your youth; if that's any -satisfaction to you.' - -'Thank you, Miss Trotwood,' said Uriah, writhing in his ungainly -manner, 'for your good opinion! Micawber, tell 'em to let Miss -Agnes know - and mother. Mother will be quite in a state, when she -sees the present company!' said Uriah, setting chairs. - -'You are not busy, Mr. Heep?' said Traddles, whose eye the cunning -red eye accidentally caught, as it at once scrutinized and evaded -us. - -'No, Mr. Traddles,' replied Uriah, resuming his official seat, and -squeezing his bony hands, laid palm to palm between his bony knees. -'Not so much so as I could wish. But lawyers, sharks, and leeches, -are not easily satisfied, you know! Not but what myself and -Micawber have our hands pretty full, in general, on account of Mr. -Wickfield's being hardly fit for any occupation, sir. But it's a -pleasure as well as a duty, I am sure, to work for him. You've not -been intimate with Mr. Wickfield, I think, Mr. Traddles? I believe -I've only had the honour of seeing you once myself?' - -'No, I have not been intimate with Mr. Wickfield,' returned -Traddles; 'or I might perhaps have waited on you long ago, Mr. -Heep.' - -There was something in the tone of this reply, which made Uriah -look at the speaker again, with a very sinister and suspicious -expression. But, seeing only Traddles, with his good-natured face, -simple manner, and hair on end, he dismissed it as he replied, with -a jerk of his whole body, but especially his throat: - -'I am sorry for that, Mr. Traddles. You would have admired him as -much as we all do. His little failings would only have endeared -him to you the more. But if you would like to hear my -fellow-partner eloquently spoken of, I should refer you to -Copperfield. The family is a subject he's very strong upon, if you -never heard him.' - -I was prevented from disclaiming the compliment (if I should have -done so, in any case), by the entrance of Agnes, now ushered in by -Mr. Micawber. She was not quite so self-possessed as usual, I -thought; and had evidently undergone anxiety and fatigue. But her -earnest cordiality, and her quiet beauty, shone with the gentler -lustre for it. - -I saw Uriah watch her while she greeted us; and he reminded me of -an ugly and rebellious genie watching a good spirit. In the -meanwhile, some slight sign passed between Mr. Micawber and -Traddles; and Traddles, unobserved except by me, went out. - -'Don't wait, Micawber,' said Uriah. - -Mr. Micawber, with his hand upon the ruler in his breast, stood -erect before the door, most unmistakably contemplating one of his -fellow-men, and that man his employer. - -'What are you waiting for?' said Uriah. 'Micawber! did you hear me -tell you not to wait?' - -'Yes!' replied the immovable Mr. Micawber. - -'Then why DO you wait?' said Uriah. - -'Because I - in short, choose,' replied Mr. Micawber, with a burst. - -Uriah's cheeks lost colour, and an unwholesome paleness, still -faintly tinged by his pervading red, overspread them. He looked at -Mr. Micawber attentively, with his whole face breathing short and -quick in every feature. - -'You are a dissipated fellow, as all the world knows,' he said, -with an effort at a smile, 'and I am afraid you'll oblige me to get -rid of you. Go along! I'll talk to you presently.' - -'If there is a scoundrel on this earth,' said Mr. Micawber, -suddenly breaking out again with the utmost vehemence, 'with whom -I have already talked too much, that scoundrel's name is - HEEP!' - -Uriah fell back, as if he had been struck or stung. Looking slowly -round upon us with the darkest and wickedest expression that his -face could wear, he said, in a lower voice: - -'Oho! This is a conspiracy! You have met here by appointment! You -are playing Booty with my clerk, are you, Copperfield? Now, take -care. You'll make nothing of this. We understand each other, you -and me. There's no love between us. You were always a puppy with -a proud stomach, from your first coming here; and you envy me my -rise, do you? None of your plots against me; I'll counterplot you! -Micawber, you be off. I'll talk to you presently.' - -'Mr. Micawber,' said I, 'there is a sudden change in this fellow. -in more respects than the extraordinary one of his speaking the -truth in one particular, which assures me that he is brought to -bay. Deal with him as he deserves!' - -'You are a precious set of people, ain't you?' said Uriah, in the -same low voice, and breaking out into a clammy heat, which he wiped -from his forehead, with his long lean hand, 'to buy over my clerk, -who is the very scum of society, - as you yourself were, -Copperfield, you know it, before anyone had charity on you, - to -defame me with his lies? Miss Trotwood, you had better stop this; -or I'll stop your husband shorter than will be pleasant to you. I -won't know your story professionally, for nothing, old lady! Miss -Wickfield, if you have any love for your father, you had better not -join that gang. I'll ruin him, if you do. Now, come! I have got -some of you under the harrow. Think twice, before it goes over -you. Think twice, you, Micawber, if you don't want to be crushed. -I recommend you to take yourself off, and be talked to presently, -you fool! while there's time to retreat. Where's mother?' he said, -suddenly appearing to notice, with alarm, the absence of Traddles, -and pulling down the bell-rope. 'Fine doings in a person's own -house!' - -'Mrs. Heep is here, sir,' said Traddles, returning with that worthy -mother of a worthy son. 'I have taken the liberty of making myself -known to her.' - -'Who are you to make yourself known?' retorted Uriah. 'And what do -you want here?' - -'I am the agent and friend of Mr. Wickfield, sir,' said Traddles, -in a composed and business-like way. 'And I have a power of -attorney from him in my pocket, to act for him in all matters.' - -'The old ass has drunk himself into a state of dotage,' said Uriah, -turning uglier than before, 'and it has been got from him by -fraud!' - -'Something has been got from him by fraud, I know,' returned -Traddles quietly; 'and so do you, Mr. Heep. We will refer that -question, if you please, to Mr. Micawber.' - -'Ury -!' Mrs. Heep began, with an anxious gesture. - -'YOU hold your tongue, mother,' he returned; 'least said, soonest -mended.' - -'But, my Ury -' - -'Will you hold your tongue, mother, and leave it to me?' - -Though I had long known that his servility was false, and all his -pretences knavish and hollow, I had had no adequate conception of -the extent of his hypocrisy, until I now saw him with his mask off. -The suddenness with which he dropped it, when he perceived that it -was useless to him; the malice, insolence, and hatred, he revealed; -the leer with which he exulted, even at this moment, in the evil he -had done - all this time being desperate too, and at his wits' end -for the means of getting the better of us - though perfectly -consistent with the experience I had of him, at first took even me -by surprise, who had known him so long, and disliked him so -heartily. - -I say nothing of the look he conferred on me, as he stood eyeing -us, one after another; for I had always understood that he hated -me, and I remembered the marks of my hand upon his cheek. But when -his eyes passed on to Agnes, and I saw the rage with which he felt -his power over her slipping away, and the exhibition, in their -disappointment, of the odious passions that had led him to aspire -to one whose virtues he could never appreciate or care for, I was -shocked by the mere thought of her having lived, an hour, within -sight of such a man. - -After some rubbing of the lower part of his face, and some looking -at us with those bad eyes, over his grisly fingers, he made one -more address to me, half whining, and half abusive. - -'You think it justifiable, do you, Copperfield, you who pride -yourself so much on your honour and all the rest of it, to sneak -about my place, eaves-dropping with my clerk? If it had been ME, -I shouldn't have wondered; for I don't make myself out a gentleman -(though I never was in the streets either, as you were, according -to Micawber), but being you! - And you're not afraid of doing this, -either? You don't think at all of what I shall do, in return; or -of getting yourself into trouble for conspiracy and so forth? Very -well. We shall see! Mr. What's-your-name, you were going to refer -some question to Micawber. There's your referee. Why don't you -make him speak? He has learnt his lesson, I see.' - -Seeing that what he said had no effect on me or any of us, he sat -on the edge of his table with his hands in his pockets, and one of -his splay feet twisted round the other leg, waiting doggedly for -what might follow. - -Mr. Micawber, whose impetuosity I had restrained thus far with the -greatest difficulty, and who had repeatedly interposed with the -first syllable Of SCOUN-drel! without getting to the second, now -burst forward, drew the ruler from his breast (apparently as a -defensive weapon), and produced from his pocket a foolscap -document, folded in the form of a large letter. Opening this -packet, with his old flourish, and glancing at the contents, as if -he cherished an artistic admiration of their style of composition, -he began to read as follows: - - -'"Dear Miss Trotwood and gentlemen -"' - -'Bless and save the man!' exclaimed my aunt in a low voice. 'He'd -write letters by the ream, if it was a capital offence!' - -Mr. Micawber, without hearing her, went on. - -'"In appearing before you to denounce probably the most consummate -Villain that has ever existed,"' Mr. Micawber, without looking off -the letter, pointed the ruler, like a ghostly truncheon, at Uriah -Heep, '"I ask no consideration for myself. The victim, from my -cradle, of pecuniary liabilities to which I have been unable to -respond, I have ever been the sport and toy of debasing -circumstances. Ignominy, Want, Despair, and Madness, have, -collectively or separately, been the attendants of my career."' - -The relish with which Mr. Micawber described himself as a prey to -these dismal calamities, was only to be equalled by the emphasis -with which he read his letter; and the kind of homage he rendered -to it with a roll of his head, when he thought he had hit a -sentence very hard indeed. - -'"In an accumulation of Ignominy, Want, Despair, and Madness, I -entered the office - or, as our lively neighbour the Gaul would -term it, the Bureau - of the Firm, nominally conducted under the -appellation of Wickfield and - HEEP, but in reality, wielded by - -HEEP alone. HEEP, and only HEEP, is the mainspring of that -machine. HEEP, and only HEEP, is the Forger and the Cheat."' - -Uriah, more blue than white at these words, made a dart at the -letter, as if to tear it in pieces. Mr. Micawber, with a perfect -miracle of dexterity or luck, caught his advancing knuckles with -the ruler, and disabled his right hand. It dropped at the wrist, -as if it were broken. The blow sounded as if it had fallen on -wood. - -'The Devil take you!' said Uriah, writhing in a new way with pain. -'I'll be even with you.' - -'Approach me again, you - you - you HEEP of infamy,' gasped Mr. -Micawber, 'and if your head is human, I'll break it. Come on, come -on!' - -I think I never saw anything more ridiculous - I was sensible of -it, even at the time - than Mr. Micawber making broad-sword guards -with the ruler, and crying, 'Come on!' while Traddles and I pushed -him back into a corner, from which, as often as we got him into it, -he persisted in emerging again. - -His enemy, muttering to himself, after wringing his wounded hand -for sometime, slowly drew off his neck-kerchief and bound it up; -then held it in his other hand, and sat upon his table with his -sullen face looking down. - -Mr. Micawber, when he was sufficiently cool, proceeded with his -letter. - -'"The stipendiary emoluments in consideration of which I entered -into the service of - HEEP,"' always pausing before that word and -uttering it with astonishing vigour, '"were not defined, beyond the -pittance of twenty-two shillings and six per week. The rest was -left contingent on the value of my professional exertions; in other -and more expressive words, on the baseness of my nature, the -cupidity of my motives, the poverty of my family, the general moral -(or rather immoral) resemblance between myself and - HEEP. Need I -say, that it soon became necessary for me to solicit from - HEEP - -pecuniary advances towards the support of Mrs. Micawber, and our -blighted but rising family? Need I say that this necessity had -been foreseen by - HEEP? That those advances were secured by -I.O.U.'s and other similar acknowledgements, known to the legal -institutions of this country? And that I thus became immeshed in -the web he had spun for my reception?"' - -Mr. Micawber's enjoyment of his epistolary powers, in describing -this unfortunate state of things, really seemed to outweigh any -pain or anxiety that the reality could have caused him. He read -on: - -'"Then it was that - HEEP - began to favour me with just so much of -his confidence, as was necessary to the discharge of his infernal -business. Then it was that I began, if I may so Shakespearianly -express myself, to dwindle, peak, and pine. I found that my -services were constantly called into requisition for the -falsification of business, and the mystification of an individual -whom I will designate as Mr. W. That Mr. W. was imposed upon, kept -in ignorance, and deluded, in every possible way; yet, that all -this while, the ruffian - HEEP - was professing unbounded gratitude -to, and unbounded friendship for, that much-abused gentleman. This -was bad enough; but, as the philosophic Dane observes, with that -universal applicability which distinguishes the illustrious -ornament of the Elizabethan Era, worse remains behind!"' - -Mr. Micawber was so very much struck by this happy rounding off -with a quotation, that he indulged himself, and us, with a second -reading of the sentence, under pretence of having lost his place. - -'"It is not my intention,"' he continued reading on, '"to enter on -a detailed list, within the compass of the present epistle (though -it is ready elsewhere), of the various malpractices of a minor -nature, affecting the individual whom I have denominated Mr. W., to -which I have been a tacitly consenting party. My object, when the -contest within myself between stipend and no stipend, baker and no -baker, existence and non-existence, ceased, was to take advantage -of my opportunities to discover and expose the major malpractices -committed, to that gentleman's grievous wrong and injury, by - -HEEP. Stimulated by the silent monitor within, and by a no less -touching and appealing monitor without - to whom I will briefly -refer as Miss W. - I entered on a not unlaborious task of -clandestine investigation, protracted - now, to the best of my -knowledge, information, and belief, over a period exceeding twelve -calendar months."' - -He read this passage as if it were from an Act of Parliament; and -appeared majestically refreshed by the sound of the words. - -'"My charges against - HEEP,"' he read on, glancing at him, and -drawing the ruler into a convenient position under his left arm, in -case of need, '"are as follows."' - -We all held our breath, I think. I am sure Uriah held his. - -'"First,"' said Mr. Micawber, '"When Mr. W.'s faculties and memory -for business became, through causes into which it is not necessary -or expedient for me to enter, weakened and confused, - HEEP - -designedly perplexed and complicated the whole of the official -transactions. When Mr. W. was least fit to enter on business, - -HEEP was always at hand to force him to enter on it. He obtained -Mr. W.'s signature under such circumstances to documents of -importance, representing them to be other documents of no -importance. He induced Mr. W. to empower him to draw out, thus, -one particular sum of trust-money, amounting to twelve six -fourteen, two and nine, and employed it to meet pretended business -charges and deficiencies which were either already provided for, or -had never really existed. He gave this proceeding, throughout, the -appearance of having originated in Mr. W.'s own dishonest -intention, and of having been accomplished by Mr. W.'s own -dishonest act; and has used it, ever since, to torture and -constrain him."' - -'You shall prove this, you Copperfield!' said Uriah, with a -threatening shake of the head. 'All in good time!' - -'Ask - HEEP - Mr. Traddles, who lived in his house after him,' said -Mr. Micawber, breaking off from the letter; 'will you?' - -'The fool himself- and lives there now,' said Uriah, disdainfully. - -'Ask - HEEP - if he ever kept a pocket-book in that house,' said -Mr. Micawber; 'will you?' - -I saw Uriah's lank hand stop, involuntarily, in the scraping of his -chin. - -'Or ask him,' said Mr. Micawber,'if he ever burnt one there. If he -says yes, and asks you where the ashes are, refer him to Wilkins -Micawber, and he will hear of something not at all to his -advantage!' - -The triumphant flourish with which Mr. Micawber delivered himself -of these words, had a powerful effect in alarming the mother; who -cried out, in much agitation: - -'Ury, Ury! Be umble, and make terms, my dear!' - -'Mother!' he retorted, 'will you keep quiet? You're in a fright, -and don't know what you say or mean. Umble!' he repeated, looking -at me, with a snarl; 'I've umbled some of 'em for a pretty long -time back, umble as I was!' - -Mr. Micawber, genteelly adjusting his chin in his cravat, presently -proceeded with his composition. - -'"Second. HEEP has, on several occasions, to the best of my -knowledge, information, and belief -"' - -'But that won't do,' muttered Uriah, relieved. 'Mother, you keep -quiet.' - -'We will endeavour to provide something that WILL do, and do for -you finally, sir, very shortly,' replied Mr. Micawber. - -'"Second. HEEP has, on several occasions, to the best of my -knowledge, information, and belief, systematically forged, to -various entries, books, and documents, the signature of Mr. W.; and -has distinctly done so in one instance, capable of proof by me. To -wit, in manner following, that is to say:"' - -Again, Mr. Micawber had a relish in this formal piling up of words, -which, however ludicrously displayed in his case, was, I must say, -not at all peculiar to him. I have observed it, in the course of -my life, in numbers of men. It seems to me to be a general rule. -In the taking of legal oaths, for instance, deponents seem to enjoy -themselves mightily when they come to several good words in -succession, for the expression of one idea; as, that they utterly -detest, abominate, and abjure, or so forth; and the old anathemas -were made relishing on the same principle. We talk about the -tyranny of words, but we like to tyrannize over them too; we are -fond of having a large superfluous establishment of words to wait -upon us on great occasions; we think it looks important, and sounds -well. As we are not particular about the meaning of our liveries -on state occasions, if they be but fine and numerous enough, so, -the meaning or necessity of our words is a secondary consideration, -if there be but a great parade of them. And as individuals get -into trouble by making too great a show of liveries, or as slaves -when they are too numerous rise against their masters, so I think -I could mention a nation that has got into many great difficulties, -and will get into many greater, from maintaining too large a -retinue of words. - -Mr. Micawber read on, almost smacking his lips: - -'"To wit, in manner following, that is to say. Mr. W. being -infirm, and it being within the bounds of probability that his -decease might lead to some discoveries, and to the downfall of - -HEEP'S - power over the W. family, - as I, Wilkins Micawber, the -undersigned, assume - unless the filial affection of his daughter -could be secretly influenced from allowing any investigation of the -partnership affairs to be ever made, the said - HEEP - deemed it -expedient to have a bond ready by him, as from Mr. W., for the -before-mentioned sum of twelve six fourteen, two and nine, with -interest, stated therein to have been advanced by - HEEP - to Mr. -W. to save Mr. W. from dishonour; though really the sum was never -advanced by him, and has long been replaced. The signatures to -this instrument purporting to be executed by Mr. W. and attested by -Wilkins Micawber, are forgeries by - HEEP. I have, in my -possession, in his hand and pocket-book, several similar imitations -of Mr. W.'s signature, here and there defaced by fire, but legible -to anyone. I never attested any such document. And I have the -document itself, in my possession."' -Uriah Heep, with a start, took out of his pocket a bunch of keys, -and opened a certain drawer; then, suddenly bethought himself of -what he was about, and turned again towards us, without looking in -it. - -'"And I have the document,"' Mr. Micawber read again, looking about -as if it were the text of a sermon, '"in my possession, - that is -to say, I had, early this morning, when this was written, but have -since relinquished it to Mr. Traddles."' - -'It is quite true,' assented Traddles. - -'Ury, Ury!' cried the mother, 'be umble and make terms. I know my -son will be umble, gentlemen, if you'll give him time to think. -Mr. Copperfield, I'm sure you know that he was always very umble, -sir!' - -It was singular to see how the mother still held to the old trick, -when the son had abandoned it as useless. - -'Mother,' he said, with an impatient bite at the handkerchief in -which his hand was wrapped, 'you had better take and fire a loaded -gun at me.' - -'But I love you, Ury,' cried Mrs. Heep. And I have no doubt she -did; or that he loved her, however strange it may appear; though, -to be sure, they were a congenial couple. 'And I can't bear to -hear you provoking the gentlemen, and endangering of yourself more. -I told the gentleman at first, when he told me upstairs it was come -to light, that I would answer for your being umble, and making -amends. Oh, see how umble I am, gentlemen, and don't mind him!' - -'Why, there's Copperfield, mother,' he angrily retorted, pointing -his lean finger at me, against whom all his animosity was levelled, -as the prime mover in the discovery; and I did not undeceive him; -'there's Copperfield, would have given you a hundred pound to say -less than you've blurted out!' - -'I can't help it, Ury,' cried his mother. 'I can't see you running -into danger, through carrying your head so high. Better be umble, -as you always was.' - -He remained for a little, biting the handkerchief, and then said to -me with a scowl: - -'What more have you got to bring forward? If anything, go on with -it. What do you look at me for?' - -Mr. Micawber promptly resumed his letter, glad to revert to a -performance with which he was so highly satisfied. - -'"Third. And last. I am now in a condition to show, by - HEEP'S -- false books, and - HEEP'S - real memoranda, beginning with the -partially destroyed pocket-book (which I was unable to comprehend, -at the time of its accidental discovery by Mrs. Micawber, on our -taking possession of our present abode, in the locker or bin -devoted to the reception of the ashes calcined on our domestic -hearth), that the weaknesses, the faults, the very virtues, the -parental affections, and the sense of honour, of the unhappy Mr. W. -have been for years acted on by, and warped to the base purposes of -- HEEP. That Mr. W. has been for years deluded and plundered, in -every conceivable manner, to the pecuniary aggrandisement of the -avaricious, false, and grasping - HEEP. That the engrossing object -of- HEEP - was, next to gain, to subdue Mr. and Miss W. (of his -ulterior views in reference to the latter I say nothing) entirely -to himself. That his last act, completed but a few months since, -was to induce Mr. W. to execute a relinquishment of his share in -the partnership, and even a bill of sale on the very furniture of -his house, in consideration of a certain annuity, to be well and -truly paid by - HEEP - on the four common quarter-days in each and -every year. That these meshes; beginning with alarming and -falsified accounts of the estate of which Mr. W. is the receiver, -at a period when Mr. W. had launched into imprudent and ill-judged -speculations, and may not have had the money, for which he was -morally and legally responsible, in hand; going on with pretended -borrowings of money at enormous interest, really coming from - HEEP -- and by - HEEP - fraudulently obtained or withheld from Mr. W. -himself, on pretence of such speculations or otherwise; perpetuated -by a miscellaneous catalogue of unscrupulous chicaneries - -gradually thickened, until the unhappy Mr. W. could see no world -beyond. Bankrupt, as he believed, alike in circumstances, in all -other hope, and in honour, his sole reliance was upon the monster -in the garb of man,"' - Mr. Micawber made a good deal of this, as -a new turn of expression, - '"who, by making himself necessary to -him, had achieved his destruction. All this I undertake to show. -Probably much more!"' - -I whispered a few words to Agnes, who was weeping, half joyfully, -half sorrowfully, at my side; and there was a movement among us, as -if Mr. Micawber had finished. He said, with exceeding gravity, -'Pardon me,' and proceeded, with a mixture of the lowest spirits -and the most intense enjoyment, to the peroration of his letter. - -'"I have now concluded. It merely remains for me to substantiate -these accusations; and then, with my ill-starred family, to -disappear from the landscape on which we appear to be an -encumbrance. That is soon done. It may be reasonably inferred -that our baby will first expire of inanition, as being the frailest -member of our circle; and that our twins will follow next in order. -So be it! For myself, my Canterbury Pilgrimage has done much; -imprisonment on civil process, and want, will soon do more. I -trust that the labour and hazard of an investigation - of which the -smallest results have been slowly pieced together, in the pressure -of arduous avocations, under grinding penurious apprehensions, at -rise of morn, at dewy eve, in the shadows of night, under the -watchful eye of one whom it were superfluous to call Demon - -combined with the struggle of parental Poverty to turn it, when -completed, to the right account, may be as the sprinkling of a few -drops of sweet water on my funeral pyre. I ask no more. Let it -be, in justice, merely said of me, as of a gallant and eminent -naval Hero, with whom I have no pretensions to cope, that what I -have done, I did, in despite of mercenary and selfish objects, - - For England, home, and Beauty. - - '"Remaining always, &c. &c., WILKINS MICAWBER."' - - -Much affected, but still intensely enjoying himself, Mr. Micawber -folded up his letter, and handed it with a bow to my aunt, as -something she might like to keep. - -There was, as I had noticed on my first visit long ago, an iron -safe in the room. The key was in it. A hasty suspicion seemed to -strike Uriah; and, with a glance at Mr. Micawber, he went to it, -and threw the doors clanking open. It was empty. - -'Where are the books?' he cried, with a frightful face. 'Some -thief has stolen the books!' - -Mr. Micawber tapped himself with the ruler. 'I did, when I got the -key from you as usual - but a little earlier - and opened it this -morning.' - -'Don't be uneasy,' said Traddles. 'They have come into my -possession. I will take care of them, under the authority I -mentioned.' - -'You receive stolen goods, do you?' cried Uriah. - -'Under such circumstances,' answered Traddles, 'yes.' - -What was my astonishment when I beheld my aunt, who had been -profoundly quiet and attentive, make a dart at Uriah Heep, and -seize him by the collar with both hands! - -'You know what I want?' said my aunt. - -'A strait-waistcoat,' said he. - -'No. My property!' returned my aunt. 'Agnes, my dear, as long as -I believed it had been really made away with by your father, I -wouldn't - and, my dear, I didn't, even to Trot, as he knows - -breathe a syllable of its having been placed here for investment. -But, now I know this fellow's answerable for it, and I'll have it! -Trot, come and take it away from him!' - -Whether my aunt supposed, for the moment, that he kept her property -in his neck-kerchief, I am sure I don't know; but she certainly -pulled at it as if she thought so. I hastened to put myself -between them, and to assure her that we would all take care that he -should make the utmost restitution of everything he had wrongly -got. This, and a few moments' reflection, pacified her; but she -was not at all disconcerted by what she had done (though I cannot -say as much for her bonnet) and resumed her seat composedly. - -During the last few minutes, Mrs. Heep had been clamouring to her -son to be 'umble'; and had been going down on her knees to all of -us in succession, and making the wildest promises. Her son sat her -down in his chair; and, standing sulkily by her, holding her arm -with his hand, but not rudely, said to me, with a ferocious look: - -'What do you want done?' - -'I will tell you what must be done,' said Traddles. - -'Has that Copperfield no tongue?' muttered Uriah, 'I would do a -good deal for you if you could tell me, without lying, that -somebody had cut it out.' - -'My Uriah means to be umble!' cried his mother. 'Don't mind what -he says, good gentlemen!' - -'What must be done,' said Traddles, 'is this. First, the deed of -relinquishment, that we have heard of, must be given over to me now -- here.' - -'Suppose I haven't got it,' he interrupted. - -'But you have,' said Traddles; 'therefore, you know, we won't -suppose so.' And I cannot help avowing that this was the first -occasion on which I really did justice to the clear head, and the -plain, patient, practical good sense, of my old schoolfellow. -'Then,' said Traddles, 'you must prepare to disgorge all that your -rapacity has become possessed of, and to make restoration to the -last farthing. All the partnership books and papers must remain in -our possession; all your books and papers; all money accounts and -securities, of both kinds. In short, everything here.' - -'Must it? I don't know that,' said Uriah. 'I must have time to -think about that.' - -'Certainly,' replied Traddles; 'but, in the meanwhile, and until -everything is done to our satisfaction, we shall maintain -possession of these things; and beg you - in short, compel you - to -keep to your own room, and hold no communication with anyone.' - -'I won't do it!' said Uriah, with an oath. - -'Maidstone jail is a safer place of detention,' observed Traddles; -'and though the law may be longer in righting us, and may not be -able to right us so completely as you can, there is no doubt of its -punishing YOU. Dear me, you know that quite as well as I! -Copperfield, will you go round to the Guildhall, and bring a couple -of officers?' - -Here, Mrs. Heep broke out again, crying on her knees to Agnes to -interfere in their behalf, exclaiming that he was very humble, and -it was all true, and if he didn't do what we wanted, she would, and -much more to the same purpose; being half frantic with fears for -her darling. To inquire what he might have done, if he had had any -boldness, would be like inquiring what a mongrel cur might do, if -it had the spirit of a tiger. He was a coward, from head to foot; -and showed his dastardly nature through his sullenness and -mortification, as much as at any time of his mean life. - -'Stop!' he growled to me; and wiped his hot face with his hand. -'Mother, hold your noise. Well! Let 'em have that deed. Go and -fetch it!' - -'Do you help her, Mr. Dick,' said Traddles, 'if you please.' - -Proud of his commission, and understanding it, Mr. Dick accompanied -her as a shepherd's dog might accompany a sheep. But, Mrs. Heep -gave him little trouble; for she not only returned with the deed, -but with the box in which it was, where we found a banker's book -and some other papers that were afterwards serviceable. - -'Good!' said Traddles, when this was brought. 'Now, Mr. Heep, you -can retire to think: particularly observing, if you please, that I -declare to you, on the part of all present, that there is only one -thing to be done; that it is what I have explained; and that it -must be done without delay.' - -Uriah, without lifting his eyes from the ground, shuffled across -the room with his hand to his chin, and pausing at the door, said: - -'Copperfield, I have always hated you. You've always been an -upstart, and you've always been against me.' - -'As I think I told you once before,' said I, 'it is you who have -been, in your greed and cunning, against all the world. It may be -profitable to you to reflect, in future, that there never were -greed and cunning in the world yet, that did not do too much, and -overreach themselves. It is as certain as death.' - -'Or as certain as they used to teach at school (the same school -where I picked up so much umbleness), from nine o'clock to eleven, -that labour was a curse; and from eleven o'clock to one, that it -was a blessing and a cheerfulness, and a dignity, and I don't know -what all, eh?' said he with a sneer. 'You preach, about as -consistent as they did. Won't umbleness go down? I shouldn't have -got round my gentleman fellow-partner without it, I think. - -Micawber, you old bully, I'll pay YOU!' - -Mr. Micawber, supremely defiant of him and his extended finger, and -making a great deal of his chest until he had slunk out at the -door, then addressed himself to me, and proffered me the -satisfaction of 'witnessing the re-establishment of mutual -confidence between himself and Mrs. Micawber'. After which, he -invited the company generally to the contemplation of that -affecting spectacle. - -'The veil that has long been interposed between Mrs. Micawber and -myself, is now withdrawn,' said Mr. Micawber; 'and my children and -the Author of their Being can once more come in contact on equal -terms.' - -As we were all very grateful to him, and all desirous to show that -we were, as well as the hurry and disorder of our spirits would -permit, I dare say we should all have gone, but that it was -necessary for Agnes to return to her father, as yet unable to bear -more than the dawn of hope; and for someone else to hold Uriah in -safe keeping. So, Traddles remained for the latter purpose, to be -presently relieved by Mr. Dick; and Mr. Dick, my aunt, and I, went -home with Mr. Micawber. As I parted hurriedly from the dear girl -to whom I owed so much, and thought from what she had been saved, -perhaps, that morning - her better resolution notwithstanding - I -felt devoutly thankful for the miseries of my younger days which -had brought me to the knowledge of Mr. Micawber. - -His house was not far off; and as the street door opened into the -sitting-room, and he bolted in with a precipitation quite his own, -we found ourselves at once in the bosom of the family. Mr. -Micawber exclaiming, 'Emma! my life!' rushed into Mrs. Micawber's -arms. Mrs. Micawber shrieked, and folded Mr. Micawber in her -embrace. Miss Micawber, nursing the unconscious stranger of Mrs. -Micawber's last letter to me, was sensibly affected. The stranger -leaped. The twins testified their joy by several inconvenient but -innocent demonstrations. Master Micawber, whose disposition -appeared to have been soured by early disappointment, and whose -aspect had become morose, yielded to his better feelings, and -blubbered. - -'Emma!' said Mr. Micawber. 'The cloud is past from my mind. -Mutual confidence, so long preserved between us once, is restored, -to know no further interruption. Now, welcome poverty!' cried Mr. -Micawber, shedding tears. 'Welcome misery, welcome houselessness, -welcome hunger, rags, tempest, and beggary! Mutual confidence will -sustain us to the end!' - -With these expressions, Mr. Micawber placed Mrs. Micawber in a -chair, and embraced the family all round; welcoming a variety of -bleak prospects, which appeared, to the best of my judgement, to be -anything but welcome to them; and calling upon them to come out -into Canterbury and sing a chorus, as nothing else was left for -their support. - -But Mrs. Micawber having, in the strength of her emotions, fainted -away, the first thing to be done, even before the chorus could be -considered complete, was to recover her. This my aunt and Mr. -Micawber did; and then my aunt was introduced, and Mrs. Micawber -recognized me. - -'Excuse me, dear Mr. Copperfield,' said the poor lady, giving me -her hand, 'but I am not strong; and the removal of the late -misunderstanding between Mr. Micawber and myself was at first too -much for me.' - -'Is this all your family, ma'am?' said my aunt. - -'There are no more at present,' returned Mrs. Micawber. - -'Good gracious, I didn't mean that, ma'am,' said my aunt. 'I mean, -are all these yours?' - -'Madam,' replied Mr. Micawber, 'it is a true bill.' - -'And that eldest young gentleman, now,' said my aunt, musing, 'what -has he been brought up to?' - -'It was my hope when I came here,' said Mr. Micawber, 'to have got -Wilkins into the Church: or perhaps I shall express my meaning more -strictly, if I say the Choir. But there was no vacancy for a tenor -in the venerable Pile for which this city is so justly eminent; and -he has - in short, he has contracted a habit of singing in -public-houses, rather than in sacred edifices.' - -'But he means well,' said Mrs. Micawber, tenderly. - -'I dare say, my love,' rejoined Mr. Micawber, 'that he means -particularly well; but I have not yet found that he carries out his -meaning, in any given direction whatsoever.' - -Master Micawber's moroseness of aspect returned upon him again, and -he demanded, with some temper, what he was to do? Whether he had -been born a carpenter, or a coach-painter, any more than he had -been born a bird? Whether he could go into the next street, and -open a chemist's shop? Whether he could rush to the next assizes, -and proclaim himself a lawyer? Whether he could come out by force -at the opera, and succeed by violence? Whether he could do -anything, without being brought up to something? - -My aunt mused a little while, and then said: - -'Mr. Micawber, I wonder you have never turned your thoughts to -emigration.' - -'Madam,' returned Mr. Micawber, 'it was the dream of my youth, and -the fallacious aspiration of my riper years.' I am thoroughly -persuaded, by the by, that he had never thought of it in his life. - -'Aye?' said my aunt, with a glance at me. 'Why, what a thing it -would be for yourselves and your family, Mr. and Mrs. Micawber, if -you were to emigrate now.' - -'Capital, madam, capital,' urged Mr. Micawber, gloomily. - -'That is the principal, I may say the only difficulty, my dear Mr. -Copperfield,' assented his wife. - -'Capital?' cried my aunt. 'But you are doing us a great service - -have done us a great service, I may say, for surely much will come -out of the fire - and what could we do for you, that would be half -so good as to find the capital?' - -'I could not receive it as a gift,' said Mr. Micawber, full of fire -and animation, 'but if a sufficient sum could be advanced, say at -five per cent interest, per annum, upon my personal liability - say -my notes of hand, at twelve, eighteen, and twenty-four months, -respectively, to allow time for something to turn up -' - -'Could be? Can be and shall be, on your own terms,' returned my -aunt, 'if you say the word. Think of this now, both of you. Here -are some people David knows, going out to Australia shortly. If -you decide to go, why shouldn't you go in the same ship? You may -help each other. Think of this now, Mr. and Mrs. Micawber. Take -your time, and weigh it well.' - -'There is but one question, my dear ma'am, I could wish to ask,' -said Mrs. Micawber. 'The climate, I believe, is healthy?' - -'Finest in the world!' said my aunt. - -'Just so,' returned Mrs. Micawber. 'Then my question arises. Now, -are the circumstances of the country such, that a man of Mr. -Micawber's abilities would have a fair chance of rising in the -social scale? I will not say, at present, might he aspire to be -Governor, or anything of that sort; but would there be a reasonable -opening for his talents to develop themselves - that would be amply -sufficient - and find their own expansion?' - -'No better opening anywhere,' said my aunt, 'for a man who conducts -himself well, and is industrious.' - -'For a man who conducts himself well,' repeated Mrs. Micawber, with -her clearest business manner, 'and is industrious. Precisely. It -is evident to me that Australia is the legitimate sphere of action -for Mr. Micawber!' - -'I entertain the conviction, my dear madam,' said Mr. Micawber, -'that it is, under existing circumstances, the land, the only land, -for myself and family; and that something of an extraordinary -nature will turn up on that shore. It is no distance - -comparatively speaking; and though consideration is due to the -kindness of your proposal, I assure you that is a mere matter of -form.' - -Shall I ever forget how, in a moment, he was the most sanguine of -men, looking on to fortune; or how Mrs. Micawber presently -discoursed about the habits of the kangaroo! Shall I ever recall -that street of Canterbury on a market-day, without recalling him, -as he walked back with us; expressing, in the hardy roving manner -he assumed, the unsettled habits of a temporary sojourner in the -land; and looking at the bullocks, as they came by, with the eye of -an Australian farmer! - - - -CHAPTER 53 -ANOTHER RETROSPECT - - -I must pause yet once again. O, my child-wife, there is a figure -in the moving crowd before my memory, quiet and still, saying in -its innocent love and childish beauty, Stop to think of me - turn -to look upon the Little Blossom, as it flutters to the ground! - -I do. All else grows dim, and fades away. I am again with Dora, -in our cottage. I do not know how long she has been ill. I am so -used to it in feeling, that I cannot count the time. It is not -really long, in weeks or months; but, in my usage and experience, -it is a weary, weary while. - -They have left off telling me to 'wait a few days more'. I have -begun to fear, remotely, that the day may never shine, when I shall -see my child-wife running in the sunlight with her old friend Jip. - -He is, as it were suddenly, grown very old. It may be that he -misses in his mistress, something that enlivened him and made him -younger; but he mopes, and his sight is weak, and his limbs are -feeble, and my aunt is sorry that he objects to her no more, but -creeps near her as he lies on Dora's bed - she sitting at the -bedside - and mildly licks her hand. - -Dora lies smiling on us, and is beautiful, and utters no hasty or -complaining word. She says that we are very good to her; that her -dear old careful boy is tiring himself out, she knows; that my aunt -has no sleep, yet is always wakeful, active, and kind. Sometimes, -the little bird-like ladies come to see her; and then we talk about -our wedding-day, and all that happy time. - -What a strange rest and pause in my life there seems to be - and in -all life, within doors and without - when I sit in the quiet, -shaded, orderly room, with the blue eyes of my child-wife turned -towards me, and her little fingers twining round my hand! Many and -many an hour I sit thus; but, of all those times, three times come -the freshest on my mind. - - -It is morning; and Dora, made so trim by my aunt's hands, shows me -how her pretty hair will curl upon the pillow yet, an how long and -bright it is, and how she likes to have it loosely gathered in that -net she wears. - -'Not that I am vain of it, now, you mocking boy,' she says, when I -smile; 'but because you used to say you thought it so beautiful; -and because, when I first began to think about you, I used to peep -in the glass, and wonder whether you would like very much to have -a lock of it. Oh what a foolish fellow you were, Doady, when I -gave you one!' - -'That was on the day when you were painting the flowers I had given -you, Dora, and when I told you how much in love I was.' - -'Ah! but I didn't like to tell you,' says Dora, 'then, how I had -cried over them, because I believed you really liked me! When I can -run about again as I used to do, Doady, let us go and see those -places where we were such a silly couple, shall we? And take some -of the old walks? And not forget poor papa?' - -'Yes, we will, and have some happy days. So you must make haste to -get well, my dear.' - -'Oh, I shall soon do that! I am so much better, you don't know!' - - -It is evening; and I sit in the same chair, by the same bed, with -the same face turned towards me. We have been silent, and there is -a smile upon her face. I have ceased to carry my light burden up -and down stairs now. She lies here all the day. - -'Doady!' - -'My dear Dora!' - -'You won't think what I am going to say, unreasonable, after what -you told me, such a little while ago, of Mr. Wickfield's not being -well? I want to see Agnes. Very much I want to see her.' - -'I will write to her, my dear.' - -'Will you?' - -'Directly.' - -'What a good, kind boy! Doady, take me on your arm. Indeed, my -dear, it's not a whim. It's not a foolish fancy. I want, very -much indeed, to see her!' - -'I am certain of it. I have only to tell her so, and she is sure -to come.' - -'You are very lonely when you go downstairs, now?' Dora whispers, -with her arm about my neck. - -'How can I be otherwise, my own love, when I see your empty chair?' - -'My empty chair!' She clings to me for a little while, in silence. -'And you really miss me, Doady?' looking up, and brightly smiling. -'Even poor, giddy, stupid me?' - -'My heart, who is there upon earth that I could miss so much?' - -'Oh, husband! I am so glad, yet so sorry!' creeping closer to me, -and folding me in both her arms. She laughs and sobs, and then is -quiet, and quite happy. - -'Quite!' she says. 'Only give Agnes my dear love, and tell her -that I want very, very, much to see her; and I have nothing left to -wish for.' - -'Except to get well again, Dora.' - -'Ah, Doady! Sometimes I think - you know I always was a silly -little thing! - that that will never be!' - -'Don't say so, Dora! Dearest love, don't think so!' - -'I won't, if I can help it, Doady. But I am very happy; though my -dear boy is so lonely by himself, before his child-wife's empty -chair!' - - -It is night; and I am with her still. Agnes has arrived; has been -among us for a whole day and an evening. She, my aunt, and I, have -sat with Dora since the morning, all together. We have not talked -much, but Dora has been perfectly contented and cheerful. We are -now alone. - -Do I know, now, that my child-wife will soon leave me? They have -told me so; they have told me nothing new to my thoughts- but I am -far from sure that I have taken that truth to heart. I cannot -master it. I have withdrawn by myself, many times today, to weep. -I have remembered Who wept for a parting between the living and the -dead. I have bethought me of all that gracious and compassionate -history. I have tried to resign myself, and to console myself; and -that, I hope, I may have done imperfectly; but what I cannot firmly -settle in my mind is, that the end will absolutely come. I hold -her hand in mine, I hold her heart in mine, I see her love for me, -alive in all its strength. I cannot shut out a pale lingering -shadow of belief that she will be spared. - -'I am going to speak to you, Doady. I am going to say something I -have often thought of saying, lately. You won't mind?' with a -gentle look. - -'Mind, my darling?' - -'Because I don't know what you will think, or what you may have -thought sometimes. Perhaps you have often thought the same. -Doady, dear, I am afraid I was too young.' - -I lay my face upon the pillow by her, and she looks into my eyes, -and speaks very softly. Gradually, as she goes on, I feel, with a -stricken heart, that she is speaking of herself as past. - -'I am afraid, dear, I was too young. I don't mean in years only, -but in experience, and thoughts, and everything. I was such a -silly little creature! I am afraid it would have been better, if we -had only loved each other as a boy and girl, and forgotten it. I -have begun to think I was not fit to be a wife.' - -I try to stay my tears, and to reply, 'Oh, Dora, love, as fit as I -to be a husband!' - -'I don't know,' with the old shake of her curls. 'Perhaps! But if -I had been more fit to be married I might have made you more so, -too. Besides, you are very clever, and I never was.' - -'We have been very happy, my sweet Dora.' - -'I was very happy, very. But, as years went on, my dear boy would -have wearied of his child-wife. She would have been less and less -a companion for him. He would have been more and more sensible of -what was wanting in his home. She wouldn't have improved. It is -better as it is.' - -'Oh, Dora, dearest, dearest, do not speak to me so. Every word -seems a reproach!' - -'No, not a syllable!' she answers, kissing me. 'Oh, my dear, you -never deserved it, and I loved you far too well to say a -reproachful word to you, in earnest - it was all the merit I had, -except being pretty - or you thought me so. Is it lonely, down- -stairs, Doady?' - -'Very! Very!' - -'Don't cry! Is my chair there?' - -'In its old place.' - -'Oh, how my poor boy cries! Hush, hush! Now, make me one promise. -I want to speak to Agnes. When you go downstairs, tell Agnes so, -and send her up to me; and while I speak to her, let no one come - -not even aunt. I want to speak to Agnes by herself. I want to -speak to Agnes, quite alone.' - -I promise that she shall, immediately; but I cannot leave her, for -my grief. - -'I said that it was better as it is!' she whispers, as she holds me -in her arms. 'Oh, Doady, after more years, you never could have -loved your child-wife better than you do; and, after more years, -she would so have tried and disappointed you, that you might not -have been able to love her half so well! I know I was too young and -foolish. It is much better as it is!' - -Agnes is downstairs, when I go into the parlour; and I give her the -message. She disappears, leaving me alone with Jip. - -His Chinese house is by the fire; and he lies within it, on his bed -of flannel, querulously trying to sleep. The bright moon is high -and clear. As I look out on the night, my tears fall fast, and my -undisciplined heart is chastened heavily - heavily. - -I sit down by the fire, thinking with a blind remorse of all those -secret feelings I have nourished since my marriage. I think of -every little trifle between me and Dora, and feel the truth, that -trifles make the sum of life. Ever rising from the sea of my -remembrance, is the image of the dear child as I knew her first, -graced by my young love, and by her own, with every fascination -wherein such love is rich. Would it, indeed, have been better if -we had loved each other as a boy and a girl, and forgotten it? -Undisciplined heart, reply! - -How the time wears, I know not; until I am recalled by my -child-wife's old companion. More restless than he was, he crawls -out of his house, and looks at me, and wanders to the door, and -whines to go upstairs. - -'Not tonight, Jip! Not tonight!' - -He comes very slowly back to me, licks my hand, and lifts his dim -eyes to my face. - -'Oh, Jip! It may be, never again!' - -He lies down at my feet, stretches himself out as if to sleep, and -with a plaintive cry, is dead. - -'Oh, Agnes! Look, look, here!' - -- That face, so full of pity, and of grief, that rain of tears, -that awful mute appeal to me, that solemn hand upraised towards -Heaven! - -'Agnes?' - -It is over. Darkness comes before my eyes; and, for a time, all -things are blotted out of my remembrance. - - - -CHAPTER 54 -Mr. MICAWBER'S TRANSACTIONS - - -This is not the time at which I am to enter on the state of my mind -beneath its load of sorrow. I came to think that the Future was -walled up before me, that the energy and action of my life were at -an end, that I never could find any refuge but in the grave. I -came to think so, I say, but not in the first shock of my grief. -It slowly grew to that. If the events I go on to relate, had not -thickened around me, in the beginning to confuse, and in the end to -augment, my affliction, it is possible (though I think not -probable), that I might have fallen at once into this condition. -As it was, an interval occurred before I fully knew my own -distress; an interval, in which I even supposed that its sharpest -pangs were past; and when my mind could soothe itself by resting on -all that was most innocent and beautiful, in the tender story that -was closed for ever. - -When it was first proposed that I should go abroad, or how it came -to be agreed among us that I was to seek the restoration of my -peace in change and travel, I do not, even now, distinctly know. -The spirit of Agnes so pervaded all we thought, and said, and did, -in that time of sorrow, that I assume I may refer the project to -her influence. But her influence was so quiet that I know no more. - -And now, indeed, I began to think that in my old association of her -with the stained-glass window in the church, a prophetic -foreshadowing of what she would be to me, in the calamity that was -to happen in the fullness of time, had found a way into my mind. -In all that sorrow, from the moment, never to be forgotten, when -she stood before me with her upraised hand, she was like a sacred -presence in my lonely house. When the Angel of Death alighted -there, my child-wife fell asleep - they told me so when I could -bear to hear it - on her bosom, with a smile. From my swoon, I -first awoke to a consciousness of her compassionate tears, her -words of hope and peace, her gentle face bending down as from a -purer region nearer Heaven, over my undisciplined heart, and -softening its pain. - -Let me go on. - -I was to go abroad. That seemed to have been determined among us -from the first. The ground now covering all that could perish of -my departed wife, I waited only for what Mr. Micawber called the -'final pulverization of Heep'; and for the departure of the -emigrants. - -At the request of Traddles, most affectionate and devoted of -friends in my trouble, we returned to Canterbury: I mean my aunt, -Agnes, and I. We proceeded by appointment straight to Mr. -Micawber's house; where, and at Mr. Wickfield's, my friend had been -labouring ever since our explosive meeting. When poor Mrs. -Micawber saw me come in, in my black clothes, she was sensibly -affected. There was a great deal of good in Mrs. Micawber's heart, -which had not been dunned out of it in all those many years. - -'Well, Mr. and Mrs. Micawber,' was my aunt's first salutation after -we were seated. 'Pray, have you thought about that emigration -proposal of mine?' - -'My dear madam,' returned Mr. Micawber, 'perhaps I cannot better -express the conclusion at which Mrs. Micawber, your humble servant, -and I may add our children, have jointly and severally arrived, -than by borrowing the language of an illustrious poet, to reply -that our Boat is on the shore, and our Bark is on the sea.' - -'That's right,' said my aunt. 'I augur all sort of good from your -sensible decision.' - -'Madam, you do us a great deal of honour,' he rejoined. He then -referred to a memorandum. 'With respect to the pecuniary -assistance enabling us to launch our frail canoe on the ocean of -enterprise, I have reconsidered that important business-point; and -would beg to propose my notes of hand - drawn, it is needless to -stipulate, on stamps of the amounts respectively required by the -various Acts of Parliament applying to such securities - at -eighteen, twenty-four, and thirty months. The proposition I -originally submitted, was twelve, eighteen, and twenty-four; but I -am apprehensive that such an arrangement might not allow sufficient -time for the requisite amount of - Something - to turn up. We -might not,' said Mr. Micawber, looking round the room as if it -represented several hundred acres of highly cultivated land, 'on -the first responsibility becoming due, have been successful in our -harvest, or we might not have got our harvest in. Labour, I -believe, is sometimes difficult to obtain in that portion of our -colonial possessions where it will be our lot to combat with the -teeming soil.' - -'Arrange it in any way you please, sir,' said my aunt. - -'Madam,' he replied, 'Mrs. Micawber and myself are deeply sensible -of the very considerate kindness of our friends and patrons. What -I wish is, to be perfectly business-like, and perfectly punctual. -Turning over, as we are about to turn over, an entirely new leaf; -and falling back, as we are now in the act of falling back, for a -Spring of no common magnitude; it is important to my sense of -self-respect, besides being an example to my son, that these -arrangements should be concluded as between man and man.' - -I don't know that Mr. Micawber attached any meaning to this last -phrase; I don't know that anybody ever does, or did; but he -appeared to relish it uncommonly, and repeated, with an impressive -cough, 'as between man and man'. - -'I propose,' said Mr. Micawber, 'Bills - a convenience to the -mercantile world, for which, I believe, we are originally indebted -to the Jews, who appear to me to have had a devilish deal too much -to do with them ever since - because they are negotiable. But if -a Bond, or any other description of security, would be preferred, -I should be happy to execute any such instrument. As between man -and man.' - -MY aunt observed, that in a case where both parties were willing to -agree to anything, she took it for granted there would be no -difficulty in settling this point. Mr. Micawber was of her -opinion. - -'In reference to our domestic preparations, madam,' said Mr. -Micawber, with some pride, 'for meeting the destiny to which we are -now understood to be self-devoted, I beg to report them. My eldest -daughter attends at five every morning in a neighbouring -establishment, to acquire the process - if process it may be called -- of milking cows. My younger children are instructed to observe, -as closely as circumstances will permit, the habits of the pigs and -poultry maintained in the poorer parts of this city: a pursuit from -which they have, on two occasions, been brought home, within an -inch of being run over. I have myself directed some attention, -during the past week, to the art of baking; and my son Wilkins has -issued forth with a walking-stick and driven cattle, when -permitted, by the rugged hirelings who had them in charge, to -render any voluntary service in that direction - which I regret to -say, for the credit of our nature, was not often; he being -generally warned, with imprecations, to desist.' - -'All very right indeed,' said my aunt, encouragingly. 'Mrs. -Micawber has been busy, too, I have no doubt.' - -'My dear madam,' returned Mrs. Micawber, with her business-like -air. 'I am free to confess that I have not been actively engaged -in pursuits immediately connected with cultivation or with stock, -though well aware that both will claim my attention on a foreign -shore. Such opportunities as I have been enabled to alienate from -my domestic duties, I have devoted to corresponding at some length -with my family. For I own it seems to me, my dear Mr. -Copperfield,' said Mrs. Micawber, who always fell back on me, I -suppose from old habit, to whomsoever else she might address her -discourse at starting, 'that the time is come when the past should -be buried in oblivion; when my family should take Mr. Micawber by -the hand, and Mr. Micawber should take my family by the hand; when -the lion should lie down with the lamb, and my family be on terms -with Mr. Micawber.' - -I said I thought so too. - -'This, at least, is the light, my dear Mr. Copperfield,' pursued -Mrs. Micawber, 'in which I view the subject. When I lived at home -with my papa and mama, my papa was accustomed to ask, when any -point was under discussion in our limited circle, "In what light -does my Emma view the subject?" That my papa was too partial, I -know; still, on such a point as the frigid coldness which has ever -subsisted between Mr. Micawber and my family, I necessarily have -formed an opinion, delusive though it may be.' - -'No doubt. Of course you have, ma'am,' said my aunt. - -'Precisely so,' assented Mrs. Micawber. 'Now, I may be wrong in my -conclusions; it is very likely that I am, but my individual -impression is, that the gulf between my family and Mr. Micawber may -be traced to an apprehension, on the part of my family, that Mr. -Micawber would require pecuniary accommodation. I cannot help -thinking,' said Mrs. Micawber, with an air of deep sagacity, 'that -there are members of my family who have been apprehensive that Mr. -Micawber would solicit them for their names. - I do not mean to be -conferred in Baptism upon our children, but to be inscribed on -Bills of Exchange, and negotiated in the Money Market.' - -The look of penetration with which Mrs. Micawber announced this -discovery, as if no one had ever thought of it before, seemed -rather to astonish my aunt; who abruptly replied, 'Well, ma'am, -upon the whole, I shouldn't wonder if you were right!' - -'Mr. Micawber being now on the eve of casting off the pecuniary -shackles that have so long enthralled him,' said Mrs. Micawber, -'and of commencing a new career in a country where there is -sufficient range for his abilities, - which, in my opinion, is -exceedingly important; Mr. Micawber's abilities peculiarly -requiring space, - it seems to me that my family should signalize -the occasion by coming forward. What I could wish to see, would be -a meeting between Mr. Micawber and my family at a festive -entertainment, to be given at my family's expense; where Mr. -Micawber's health and prosperity being proposed, by some leading -member of my family, Mr. Micawber might have an opportunity of -developing his views.' - -'My dear,' said Mr. Micawber, with some heat, 'it may be better for -me to state distinctly, at once, that if I were to develop my views -to that assembled group, they would possibly be found of an -offensive nature: my impression being that your family are, in the -aggregate, impertinent Snobs; and, in detail, unmitigated -Ruffians.' - -'Micawber,' said Mrs. Micawber, shaking her head, 'no! You have -never understood them, and they have never understood you.' - -Mr. Micawber coughed. - -'They have never understood you, Micawber,' said his wife. 'They -may be incapable of it. If so, that is their misfortune. I can -pity their misfortune.' - -'I am extremely sorry, my dear Emma,' said Mr. Micawber, relenting, -'to have been betrayed into any expressions that might, even -remotely, have the appearance of being strong expressions. All I -would say is, that I can go abroad without your family coming -forward to favour me, - in short, with a parting Shove of their -cold shoulders; and that, upon the whole, I would rather leave -England with such impetus as I possess, than derive any -acceleration of it from that quarter. At the same time, my dear, -if they should condescend to reply to your communications - which -our joint experience renders most improbable - far be it from me to -be a barrier to your wishes.' - -The matter being thus amicably settled, Mr. Micawber gave Mrs. -Micawber his arm, and glancing at the heap of books and papers -lying before Traddles on the table, said they would leave us to -ourselves; which they ceremoniously did. - -'My dear Copperfield,' said Traddles, leaning back in his chair -when they were gone, and looking at me with an affection that made -his eyes red, and his hair all kinds of shapes, 'I don't make any -excuse for troubling you with business, because I know you are -deeply interested in it, and it may divert your thoughts. My dear -boy, I hope you are not worn out?' - -'I am quite myself,' said I, after a pause. 'We have more cause to -think of my aunt than of anyone. You know how much she has done.' - -'Surely, surely,' answered Traddles. 'Who can forget it!' - -'But even that is not all,' said I. 'During the last fortnight, -some new trouble has vexed her; and she has been in and out of -London every day. Several times she has gone out early, and been -absent until evening. Last night, Traddles, with this journey -before her, it was almost midnight before she came home. You know -what her consideration for others is. She will not tell me what -has happened to distress her.' - -My aunt, very pale, and with deep lines in her face, sat immovable -until I had finished; when some stray tears found their way to her -cheeks, and she put her hand on mine. - -'It's nothing, Trot; it's nothing. There will be no more of it. -You shall know by and by. Now Agnes, my dear, let us attend to -these affairs.' - -'I must do Mr. Micawber the justice to say,' Traddles began, 'that -although he would appear not to have worked to any good account for -himself, he is a most untiring man when he works for other people. -I never saw such a fellow. If he always goes on in the same way, -he must be, virtually, about two hundred years old, at present. -The heat into which he has been continually putting himself; and -the distracted and impetuous manner in which he has been diving, -day and night, among papers and books; to say nothing of the -immense number of letters he has written me between this house and -Mr. Wickfield's, and often across the table when he has been -sitting opposite, and might much more easily have spoken; is quite -extraordinary.' - -'Letters!' cried my aunt. 'I believe he dreams in letters!' - -'There's Mr. Dick, too,' said Traddles, 'has been doing wonders! As -soon as he was released from overlooking Uriah Heep, whom he kept -in such charge as I never saw exceeded, he began to devote himself -to Mr. Wickfield. And really his anxiety to be of use in the -investigations we have been making, and his real usefulness in -extracting, and copying, and fetching, and carrying, have been -quite stimulating to us.' - -'Dick is a very remarkable man,' exclaimed my aunt; 'and I always -said he was. Trot, you know it.' - -'I am happy to say, Miss Wickfield,' pursued Traddles, at once with -great delicacy and with great earnestness, 'that in your absence -Mr. Wickfield has considerably improved. Relieved of the incubus -that had fastened upon him for so long a time, and of the dreadful -apprehensions under which he had lived, he is hardly the same -person. At times, even his impaired power of concentrating his -memory and attention on particular points of business, has -recovered itself very much; and he has been able to assist us in -making some things clear, that we should have found very difficult -indeed, if not hopeless, without him. But what I have to do is to -come to results; which are short enough; not to gossip on all the -hopeful circumstances I have observed, or I shall never have done.' -His natural manner and agreeable simplicity made it transparent -that he said this to put us in good heart, and to enable Agnes to -hear her father mentioned with greater confidence; but it was not -the less pleasant for that. - -'Now, let me see,' said Traddles, looking among the papers on the -table. 'Having counted our funds, and reduced to order a great -mass of unintentional confusion in the first place, and of wilful -confusion and falsification in the second, we take it to be clear -that Mr. Wickfield might now wind up his business, and his -agency-trust, and exhibit no deficiency or defalcation whatever.' - -'Oh, thank Heaven!' cried Agnes, fervently. - -'But,' said Traddles, 'the surplus that would be left as his means -of support - and I suppose the house to be sold, even in saying -this - would be so small, not exceeding in all probability some -hundreds of pounds, that perhaps, Miss Wickfield, it would be best -to consider whether he might not retain his agency of the estate to -which he has so long been receiver. His friends might advise him, -you know; now he is free. You yourself, Miss Wickfield - -Copperfield - I -' - -'I have considered it, Trotwood,' said Agnes, looking to me, 'and -I feel that it ought not to be, and must not be; even on the -recommendation of a friend to whom I am so grateful, and owe so -much.' - -'I will not say that I recommend it,' observed Traddles. 'I think -it right to suggest it. No more.' - -'I am happy to hear you say so,' answered Agnes, steadily, 'for it -gives me hope, almost assurance, that we think alike. Dear Mr. -Traddles and dear Trotwood, papa once free with honour, what could -I wish for! I have always aspired, if I could have released him -from the toils in which he was held, to render back some little -portion of the love and care I owe him, and to devote my life to -him. It has been, for years, the utmost height of my hopes. To -take our future on myself, will be the next great happiness - the -next to his release from all trust and responsibility - that I can -know.' - -'Have you thought how, Agnes?' - -'Often! I am not afraid, dear Trotwood. I am certain of success. -So many people know me here, and think kindly of me, that I am -certain. Don't mistrust me. Our wants are not many. If I rent -the dear old house, and keep a school, I shall be useful and -happy.' - -The calm fervour of her cheerful voice brought back so vividly, -first the dear old house itself, and then my solitary home, that my -heart was too full for speech. Traddles pretended for a little -while to be busily looking among the papers. - -'Next, Miss Trotwood,' said Traddles, 'that property of yours.' - -'Well, sir,' sighed my aunt. 'All I have got to say about it is, -that if it's gone, I can bear it; and if it's not gone, I shall be -glad to get it back.' - -'It was originally, I think, eight thousand pounds, Consols?' said -Traddles. - -'Right!' replied my aunt. - -'I can't account for more than five,' said Traddles, with an air of -perplexity. - -'- thousand, do you mean?' inquired my aunt, with uncommon -composure, 'or pounds?' - -'Five thousand pounds,' said Traddles. - -'It was all there was,' returned my aunt. 'I sold three, myself. -One, I paid for your articles, Trot, my dear; and the other two I -have by me. When I lost the rest, I thought it wise to say nothing -about that sum, but to keep it secretly for a rainy day. I wanted -to see how you would come out of the trial, Trot; and you came out -nobly - persevering, self-reliant, self-denying! So did Dick. -Don't speak to me, for I find my nerves a little shaken!' - -Nobody would have thought so, to see her sitting upright, with her -arms folded; but she had wonderful self-command. - -'Then I am delighted to say,' cried Traddles, beaming with joy, -'that we have recovered the whole money!' - -'Don't congratulate me, anybody!' exclaimed my aunt. 'How so, -sir?' - -'You believed it had been misappropriated by Mr. Wickfield?' said -Traddles. - -'Of course I did,' said my aunt, 'and was therefore easily -silenced. Agnes, not a word!' - -'And indeed,' said Traddles, 'it was sold, by virtue of the power -of management he held from you; but I needn't say by whom sold, or -on whose actual signature. It was afterwards pretended to Mr. -Wickfield, by that rascal, - and proved, too, by figures, - that he -had possessed himself of the money (on general instructions, he -said) to keep other deficiencies and difficulties from the light. -Mr. Wickfield, being so weak and helpless in his hands as to pay -you, afterwards, several sums of interest on a pretended principal -which he knew did not exist, made himself, unhappily, a party to -the fraud.' - -'And at last took the blame upon himself,' added my aunt; 'and -wrote me a mad letter, charging himself with robbery, and wrong -unheard of. Upon which I paid him a visit early one morning, -called for a candle, burnt the letter, and told him if he ever -could right me and himself, to do it; and if he couldn't, to keep -his own counsel for his daughter's sake. - If anybody speaks to -me, I'll leave the house!' - -We all remained quiet; Agnes covering her face. - -'Well, my dear friend,' said my aunt, after a pause, 'and you have -really extorted the money back from him?' - -'Why, the fact is,' returned Traddles, 'Mr. Micawber had so -completely hemmed him in, and was always ready with so many new -points if an old one failed, that he could not escape from us. A -most remarkable circumstance is, that I really don't think he -grasped this sum even so much for the gratification of his avarice, -which was inordinate, as in the hatred he felt for Copperfield. He -said so to me, plainly. He said he would even have spent as much, -to baulk or injure Copperfield.' - -'Ha!' said my aunt, knitting her brows thoughtfully, and glancing -at Agnes. 'And what's become of him?' - -'I don't know. He left here,' said Traddles, 'with his mother, who -had been clamouring, and beseeching, and disclosing, the whole -time. They went away by one of the London night coaches, and I -know no more about him; except that his malevolence to me at -parting was audacious. He seemed to consider himself hardly less -indebted to me, than to Mr. Micawber; which I consider (as I told -him) quite a compliment.' - -'Do you suppose he has any money, Traddles?' I asked. - -'Oh dear, yes, I should think so,' he replied, shaking his head, -seriously. 'I should say he must have pocketed a good deal, in one -way or other. But, I think you would find, Copperfield, if you had -an opportunity of observing his course, that money would never keep -that man out of mischief. He is such an incarnate hypocrite, that -whatever object he pursues, he must pursue crookedly. It's his -only compensation for the outward restraints he puts upon himself. -Always creeping along the ground to some small end or other, he -will always magnify every object in the way; and consequently will -hate and suspect everybody that comes, in the most innocent manner, -between him and it. So the crooked courses will become crookeder, -at any moment, for the least reason, or for none. It's only -necessary to consider his history here,' said Traddles, 'to know -that.' - -'He's a monster of meanness!' said my aunt. - -'Really I don't know about that,' observed Traddles thoughtfully. -'Many people can be very mean, when they give their minds to it.' - -'And now, touching Mr. Micawber,' said my aunt. - -'Well, really,' said Traddles, cheerfully, 'I must, once more, give -Mr. Micawber high praise. But for his having been so patient and -persevering for so long a time, we never could have hoped to do -anything worth speaking of. And I think we ought to consider that -Mr. Micawber did right, for right's sake, when we reflect what -terms he might have made with Uriah Heep himself, for his silence.' - -'I think so too,' said I. - -'Now, what would you give him?' inquired my aunt. - -'Oh! Before you come to that,' said Traddles, a little -disconcerted, 'I am afraid I thought it discreet to omit (not being -able to carry everything before me) two points, in making this -lawless adjustment - for it's perfectly lawless from beginning to -end - of a difficult affair. Those I.O.U.'s, and so forth, which -Mr. Micawber gave him for the advances he had -' - -'Well! They must be paid,' said my aunt. - -'Yes, but I don't know when they may be proceeded on, or where they -are,' rejoined Traddles, opening his eyes; 'and I anticipate, that, -between this time and his departure, Mr. Micawber will be -constantly arrested, or taken in execution.' - -'Then he must be constantly set free again, and taken out of -execution,' said my aunt. 'What's the amount altogether?' - -'Why, Mr. Micawber has entered the transactions - he calls them -transactions - with great form, in a book,' rejoined Traddles, -smiling; 'and he makes the amount a hundred and three pounds, -five.' - -'Now, what shall we give him, that sum included?' said my aunt. -'Agnes, my dear, you and I can talk about division of it -afterwards. What should it be? Five hundred pounds?' - -Upon this, Traddles and I both struck in at once. We both -recommended a small sum in money, and the payment, without -stipulation to Mr. Micawber, of the Uriah claims as they came in. -We proposed that the family should have their passage and their -outfit, and a hundred pounds; and that Mr. Micawber's arrangement -for the repayment of the advances should be gravely entered into, -as it might be wholesome for him to suppose himself under that -responsibility. To this, I added the suggestion, that I should -give some explanation of his character and history to Mr. Peggotty, -who I knew could be relied on; and that to Mr. Peggotty should be -quietly entrusted the discretion of advancing another hundred. I -further proposed to interest Mr. Micawber in Mr. Peggotty, by -confiding so much of Mr. Peggotty's story to him as I might feel -justified in relating, or might think expedient; and to endeavour -to bring each of them to bear upon the other, for the common -advantage. We all entered warmly into these views; and I may -mention at once, that the principals themselves did so, shortly -afterwards, with perfect good will and harmony. - -Seeing that Traddles now glanced anxiously at my aunt again, I -reminded him of the second and last point to which he had adverted. - -'You and your aunt will excuse me, Copperfield, if I touch upon a -painful theme, as I greatly fear I shall,' said Traddles, -hesitating; 'but I think it necessary to bring it to your -recollection. On the day of Mr. Micawber's memorable denunciation -a threatening allusion was made by Uriah Heep to your aunt's - -husband.' - -My aunt, retaining her stiff position, and apparent composure, -assented with a nod. - -'Perhaps,' observed Traddles, 'it was mere purposeless -impertinence?' - -'No,' returned my aunt. - -'There was - pardon me - really such a person, and at all in his -power?' hinted Traddles. - -'Yes, my good friend,' said my aunt. - -Traddles, with a perceptible lengthening of his face, explained -that he had not been able to approach this subject; that it had -shared the fate of Mr. Micawber's liabilities, in not being -comprehended in the terms he had made; that we were no longer of -any authority with Uriah Heep; and that if he could do us, or any -of us, any injury or annoyance, no doubt he would. - -My aunt remained quiet; until again some stray tears found their -way to her cheeks. -'You are quite right,' she said. 'It was very thoughtful to -mention it.' - -'Can I - or Copperfield - do anything?' asked Traddles, gently. - -'Nothing,' said my aunt. 'I thank you many times. Trot, my dear, -a vain threat! Let us have Mr. and Mrs. Micawber back. And don't -any of you speak to me!' With that she smoothed her dress, and sat, -with her upright carriage, looking at the door. - -'Well, Mr. and Mrs. Micawber!' said my aunt, when they entered. -'We have been discussing your emigration, with many apologies to -you for keeping you out of the room so long; and I'll tell you what -arrangements we propose.' - -These she explained to the unbounded satisfaction of the family, - -children and all being then present, - and so much to the awakening -of Mr. Micawber's punctual habits in the opening stage of all bill -transactions, that he could not be dissuaded from immediately -rushing out, in the highest spirits, to buy the stamps for his -notes of hand. But, his joy received a sudden check; for within -five minutes, he returned in the custody of a sheriff 's officer, -informing us, in a flood of tears, that all was lost. We, being -quite prepared for this event, which was of course a proceeding of -Uriah Heep's, soon paid the money; and in five minutes more Mr. -Micawber was seated at the table, filling up the stamps with an -expression of perfect joy, which only that congenial employment, or -the making of punch, could impart in full completeness to his -shining face. To see him at work on the stamps, with the relish of -an artist, touching them like pictures, looking at them sideways, -taking weighty notes of dates and amounts in his pocket-book, and -contemplating them when finished, with a high sense of their -precious value, was a sight indeed. - -'Now, the best thing you can do, sir, if you'll allow me to advise -you,' said my aunt, after silently observing him, 'is to abjure -that occupation for evermore.' - -'Madam,' replied Mr. Micawber, 'it is my intention to register such -a vow on the virgin page of the future. Mrs. Micawber will attest -it. I trust,' said Mr. Micawber, solemnly, 'that my son Wilkins -will ever bear in mind, that he had infinitely better put his fist -in the fire, than use it to handle the serpents that have poisoned -the life-blood of his unhappy parent!' Deeply affected, and changed -in a moment to the image of despair, Mr. Micawber regarded the -serpents with a look of gloomy abhorrence (in which his late -admiration of them was not quite subdued), folded them up and put -them in his pocket. - -This closed the proceedings of the evening. We were weary with -sorrow and fatigue, and my aunt and I were to return to London on -the morrow. It was arranged that the Micawbers should follow us, -after effecting a sale of their goods to a broker; that Mr. -Wickfield's affairs should be brought to a settlement, with all -convenient speed, under the direction of Traddles; and that Agnes -should also come to London, pending those arrangements. We passed -the night at the old house, which, freed from the presence of the -Heeps, seemed purged of a disease; and I lay in my old room, like -a shipwrecked wanderer come home. - -We went back next day to my aunt's house - not to mine- and when -she and I sat alone, as of old, before going to bed, she said: - -'Trot, do you really wish to know what I have had upon my mind -lately?' - -'Indeed I do, aunt. If there ever was a time when I felt unwilling -that you should have a sorrow or anxiety which I could not share, -it is now.' - -'You have had sorrow enough, child,' said my aunt, affectionately, -'without the addition of my little miseries. I could have no other -motive, Trot, in keeping anything from you.' - -'I know that well,' said I. 'But tell me now.' - -'Would you ride with me a little way tomorrow morning?' asked my -aunt. - -'Of course.' - -'At nine,' said she. 'I'll tell you then, my dear.' - -At nine, accordingly, we went out in a little chariot, and drove to -London. We drove a long way through the streets, until we came to -one of the large hospitals. Standing hard by the building was a -plain hearse. The driver recognized my aunt, and, in obedience to -a motion of her hand at the window, drove slowly off; we following. - -'You understand it now, Trot,' said my aunt. 'He is gone!' - -'Did he die in the hospital?' - -'Yes.' - -She sat immovable beside me; but, again I saw the stray tears on -her face. - -'He was there once before,' said my aunt presently. 'He was ailing -a long time - a shattered, broken man, these many years. When he -knew his state in this last illness, he asked them to send for me. -He was sorry then. Very sorry.' - -'You went, I know, aunt.' - -'I went. I was with him a good deal afterwards.' - -'He died the night before we went to Canterbury?' said I. -My aunt nodded. 'No one can harm him now,' she said. 'It was a -vain threat.' - -We drove away, out of town, to the churchyard at Hornsey. 'Better -here than in the streets,' said my aunt. 'He was born here.' - -We alighted; and followed the plain coffin to a corner I remember -well, where the service was read consigning it to the dust. - -'Six-and-thirty years ago, this day, my dear,' said my aunt, as we -walked back to the chariot, 'I was married. God forgive us all!' -We took our seats in silence; and so she sat beside me for a long -time, holding my hand. At length she suddenly burst into tears, -and said: - -'He was a fine-looking man when I married him, Trot - and he was -sadly changed!' - -It did not last long. After the relief of tears, she soon became -composed, and even cheerful. Her nerves were a little shaken, she -said, or she would not have given way to it. God forgive us all! - -So we rode back to her little cottage at Highgate, where we found -the following short note, which had arrived by that morning's post -from Mr. Micawber: - - - 'Canterbury, - - 'Friday. - -'My dear Madam, and Copperfield, - -'The fair land of promise lately looming on the horizon is again -enveloped in impenetrable mists, and for ever withdrawn from the -eyes of a drifting wretch whose Doom is sealed! - -'Another writ has been issued (in His Majesty's High Court of -King's Bench at Westminster), in another cause of HEEP V. -MICAWBER, and the defendant in that cause is the prey of the -sheriff having legal jurisdiction in this bailiwick. - - 'Now's the day, and now's the hour, - See the front of battle lower, - See approach proud EDWARD'S power - - Chains and slavery! - -'Consigned to which, and to a speedy end (for mental torture is not -supportable beyond a certain point, and that point I feel I have -attained), my course is run. Bless you, bless you! Some future -traveller, visiting, from motives of curiosity, not unmingled, let -us hope, with sympathy, the place of confinement allotted to -debtors in this city, may, and I trust will, Ponder, as he traces -on its wall, inscribed with a rusty nail, - 'The obscure initials, - - 'W. M. - -'P.S. I re-open this to say that our common friend, Mr. Thomas -Traddles (who has not yet left us, and is looking extremely well), -has paid the debt and costs, in the noble name of Miss Trotwood; -and that myself and family are at the height of earthly bliss.' - - - -CHAPTER 55 -TEMPEST - - -I now approach an event in my life, so indelible, so awful, so -bound by an infinite variety of ties to all that has preceded it, -in these pages, that, from the beginning of my narrative, I have -seen it growing larger and larger as I advanced, like a great tower -in a plain, and throwing its fore-cast shadow even on the incidents -of my childish days. - -For years after it occurred, I dreamed of it often. I have started -up so vividly impressed by it, that its fury has yet seemed raging -in my quiet room, in the still night. I dream of it sometimes, -though at lengthened and uncertain intervals, to this hour. I have -an association between it and a stormy wind, or the lightest -mention of a sea-shore, as strong as any of which my mind is -conscious. As plainly as I behold what happened, I will try to -write it down. I do not recall it, but see it done; for it happens -again before me. - -The time drawing on rapidly for the sailing of the emigrant-ship, -my good old nurse (almost broken-hearted for me, when we first met) -came up to London. I was constantly with her, and her brother, and -the Micawbers (they being very much together); but Emily I never -saw. - -One evening when the time was close at hand, I was alone with -Peggotty and her brother. Our conversation turned on Ham. She -described to us how tenderly he had taken leave of her, and how -manfully and quietly he had borne himself. Most of all, of late, -when she believed he was most tried. It was a subject of which the -affectionate creature never tired; and our interest in hearing the -many examples which she, who was so much with him, had to relate, -was equal to hers in relating them. - -MY aunt and I were at that time vacating the two cottages at -Highgate; I intending to go abroad, and she to return to her house -at Dover. We had a temporary lodging in Covent Garden. As I -walked home to it, after this evening's conversation, reflecting on -what had passed between Ham and myself when I was last at Yarmouth, -I wavered in the original purpose I had formed, of leaving a letter -for Emily when I should take leave of her uncle on board the ship, -and thought it would be better to write to her now. She might -desire, I thought, after receiving my communication, to send some -parting word by me to her unhappy lover. I ought to give her the -opportunity. - -I therefore sat down in my room, before going to bed, and wrote to -her. I told her that I had seen him, and that he had requested me -to tell her what I have already written in its place in these -sheets. I faithfully repeated it. I had no need to enlarge upon -it, if I had had the right. Its deep fidelity and goodness were -not to be adorned by me or any man. I left it out, to be sent -round in the morning; with a line to Mr. Peggotty, requesting him -to give it to her; and went to bed at daybreak. - -I was weaker than I knew then; and, not falling asleep until the -sun was up, lay late, and unrefreshed, next day. I was roused by -the silent presence of my aunt at my bedside. I felt it in my -sleep, as I suppose we all do feel such things. - -'Trot, my dear,' she said, when I opened my eyes, 'I couldn't make -up my mind to disturb you. Mr. Peggotty is here; shall he come -up?' - -I replied yes, and he soon appeared. - -'Mas'r Davy,' he said, when we had shaken hands, 'I giv Em'ly your -letter, sir, and she writ this heer; and begged of me fur to ask -you to read it, and if you see no hurt in't, to be so kind as take -charge on't.' - -'Have you read it?' said I. - -He nodded sorrowfully. I opened it, and read as follows: - - -'I have got your message. Oh, what can I write, to thank you for -your good and blessed kindness to me! - -'I have put the words close to my heart. I shall keep them till I -die. They are sharp thorns, but they are such comfort. I have -prayed over them, oh, I have prayed so much. When I find what you -are, and what uncle is, I think what God must be, and can cry to -him. - -'Good-bye for ever. Now, my dear, my friend, good-bye for ever in -this world. In another world, if I am forgiven, I may wake a child -and come to you. All thanks and blessings. Farewell, evermore.' - - -This, blotted with tears, was the letter. - -'May I tell her as you doen't see no hurt in't, and as you'll be so -kind as take charge on't, Mas'r Davy?' said Mr. Peggotty, when I -had read it. -'Unquestionably,' said I - 'but I am thinking -' - -'Yes, Mas'r Davy?' - -'I am thinking,' said I, 'that I'll go down again to Yarmouth. -There's time, and to spare, for me to go and come back before the -ship sails. My mind is constantly running on him, in his solitude; -to put this letter of her writing in his hand at this time, and to -enable you to tell her, in the moment of parting, that he has got -it, will be a kindness to both of them. I solemnly accepted his -commission, dear good fellow, and cannot discharge it too -completely. The journey is nothing to me. I am restless, and -shall be better in motion. I'll go down tonight.' - -Though he anxiously endeavoured to dissuade me, I saw that he was -of my mind; and this, if I had required to be confirmed in my -intention, would have had the effect. He went round to the coach -office, at my request, and took the box-seat for me on the mail. -In the evening I started, by that conveyance, down the road I had -traversed under so many vicissitudes. - -'Don't you think that,' I asked the coachman, in the first stage -out of London, 'a very remarkable sky? I don't remember to have -seen one like it.' - -'Nor I - not equal to it,' he replied. 'That's wind, sir. -There'll be mischief done at sea, I expect, before long.' - -It was a murky confusion - here and there blotted with a colour -like the colour of the smoke from damp fuel - of flying clouds, -tossed up into most remarkable heaps, suggesting greater heights in -the clouds than there were depths below them to the bottom of the -deepest hollows in the earth, through which the wild moon seemed to -plunge headlong, as if, in a dread disturbance of the laws of -nature, she had lost her way and were frightened. There had been -a wind all day; and it was rising then, with an extraordinary great -sound. In another hour it had much increased, and the sky was more -overcast, and blew hard. - -But, as the night advanced, the clouds closing in and densely -over-spreading the whole sky, then very dark, it came on to blow, -harder and harder. It still increased, until our horses could -scarcely face the wind. Many times, in the dark part of the night -(it was then late in September, when the nights were not short), -the leaders turned about, or came to a dead stop; and we were often -in serious apprehension that the coach would be blown over. -Sweeping gusts of rain came up before this storm, like showers of -steel; and, at those times, when there was any shelter of trees or -lee walls to be got, we were fain to stop, in a sheer impossibility -of continuing the struggle. - -When the day broke, it blew harder and harder. I had been in -Yarmouth when the seamen said it blew great guns, but I had never -known the like of this, or anything approaching to it. We came to -Ipswich - very late, having had to fight every inch of ground since -we were ten miles out of London; and found a cluster of people in -the market-place, who had risen from their beds in the night, -fearful of falling chimneys. Some of these, congregating about the -inn-yard while we changed horses, told us of great sheets of lead -having been ripped off a high church-tower, and flung into a -by-street, which they then blocked up. Others had to tell of -country people, coming in from neighbouring villages, who had seen -great trees lying torn out of the earth, and whole ricks scattered -about the roads and fields. Still, there was no abatement in the -storm, but it blew harder. - -As we struggled on, nearer and nearer to the sea, from which this -mighty wind was blowing dead on shore, its force became more and -more terrific. Long before we saw the sea, its spray was on our -lips, and showered salt rain upon us. The water was out, over -miles and miles of the flat country adjacent to Yarmouth; and every -sheet and puddle lashed its banks, and had its stress of little -breakers setting heavily towards us. When we came within sight of -the sea, the waves on the horizon, caught at intervals above the -rolling abyss, were like glimpses of another shore with towers and -buildings. When at last we got into the town, the people came out -to their doors, all aslant, and with streaming hair, making a -wonder of the mail that had come through such a night. - -I put up at the old inn, and went down to look at the sea; -staggering along the street, which was strewn with sand and -seaweed, and with flying blotches of sea-foam; afraid of falling -slates and tiles; and holding by people I met, at angry corners. -Coming near the beach, I saw, not only the boatmen, but half the -people of the town, lurking behind buildings; some, now and then -braving the fury of the storm to look away to sea, and blown sheer -out of their course in trying to get zigzag back. - -Joining these groups, I found bewailing women whose husbands were -away in herring or oyster boats, which there was too much reason to -think might have foundered before they could run in anywhere for -safety. Grizzled old sailors were among the people, shaking their -heads, as they looked from water to sky, and muttering to one -another; ship-owners, excited and uneasy; children, huddling -together, and peering into older faces; even stout mariners, -disturbed and anxious, levelling their glasses at the sea from -behind places of shelter, as if they were surveying an enemy. - -The tremendous sea itself, when I could find sufficient pause to -look at it, in the agitation of the blinding wind, the flying -stones and sand, and the awful noise, confounded me. As the high -watery walls came rolling in, and, at their highest, tumbled into -surf, they looked as if the least would engulf the town. As the -receding wave swept back with a hoarse roar, it seemed to scoop out -deep caves in the beach, as if its purpose were to undermine the -earth. When some white-headed billows thundered on, and dashed -themselves to pieces before they reached the land, every fragment -of the late whole seemed possessed by the full might of its wrath, -rushing to be gathered to the composition of another monster. -Undulating hills were changed to valleys, undulating valleys (with -a solitary storm-bird sometimes skimming through them) were lifted -up to hills; masses of water shivered and shook the beach with a -booming sound; every shape tumultuously rolled on, as soon as made, -to change its shape and place, and beat another shape and place -away; the ideal shore on the horizon, with its towers and -buildings, rose and fell; the clouds fell fast and thick; I seemed -to see a rending and upheaving of all nature. - -Not finding Ham among the people whom this memorable wind - for it -is still remembered down there, as the greatest ever known to blow -upon that coast - had brought together, I made my way to his house. -It was shut; and as no one answered to my knocking, I went, by back -ways and by-lanes, to the yard where he worked. I learned, there, -that he had gone to Lowestoft, to meet some sudden exigency of -ship-repairing in which his skill was required; but that he would -be back tomorrow morning, in good time. - -I went back to the inn; and when I had washed and dressed, and -tried to sleep, but in vain, it was five o'clock in the afternoon. -I had not sat five minutes by the coffee-room fire, when the -waiter, coming to stir it, as an excuse for talking, told me that -two colliers had gone down, with all hands, a few miles away; and -that some other ships had been seen labouring hard in the Roads, -and trying, in great distress, to keep off shore. Mercy on them, -and on all poor sailors, said he, if we had another night like the -last! - -I was very much depressed in spirits; very solitary; and felt an -uneasiness in Ham's not being there, disproportionate to the -occasion. I was seriously affected, without knowing how much, by -late events; and my long exposure to the fierce wind had confused -me. There was that jumble in my thoughts and recollections, that -I had lost the clear arrangement of time and distance. Thus, if I -had gone out into the town, I should not have been surprised, I -think, to encounter someone who I knew must be then in London. So -to speak, there was in these respects a curious inattention in my -mind. Yet it was busy, too, with all the remembrances the place -naturally awakened; and they were particularly distinct and vivid. - -In this state, the waiter's dismal intelligence about the ships -immediately connected itself, without any effort of my volition, -with my uneasiness about Ham. I was persuaded that I had an -apprehension of his returning from Lowestoft by sea, and being -lost. This grew so strong with me, that I resolved to go back to -the yard before I took my dinner, and ask the boat-builder if he -thought his attempting to return by sea at all likely? If he gave -me the least reason to think so, I would go over to Lowestoft and -prevent it by bringing him with me. - -I hastily ordered my dinner, and went back to the yard. I was none -too soon; for the boat-builder, with a lantern in his hand, was -locking the yard-gate. He quite laughed when I asked him the -question, and said there was no fear; no man in his senses, or out -of them, would put off in such a gale of wind, least of all Ham -Peggotty, who had been born to seafaring. - -So sensible of this, beforehand, that I had really felt ashamed of -doing what I was nevertheless impelled to do, I went back to the -inn. If such a wind could rise, I think it was rising. The howl -and roar, the rattling of the doors and windows, the rumbling in -the chimneys, the apparent rocking of the very house that sheltered -me, and the prodigious tumult of the sea, were more fearful than in -the morning. But there was now a great darkness besides; and that -invested the storm with new terrors, real and fanciful. - -I could not eat, I could not sit still, I could not continue -steadfast to anything. Something within me, faintly answering to -the storm without, tossed up the depths of my memory and made a -tumult in them. Yet, in all the hurry of my thoughts, wild running -with the thundering sea, - the storm, and my uneasiness regarding -Ham were always in the fore-ground. - -My dinner went away almost untasted, and I tried to refresh myself -with a glass or two of wine. In vain. I fell into a dull slumber -before the fire, without losing my consciousness, either of the -uproar out of doors, or of the place in which I was. Both became -overshadowed by a new and indefinable horror; and when I awoke - or -rather when I shook off the lethargy that bound me in my chair- my -whole frame thrilled with objectless and unintelligible fear. - -I walked to and fro, tried to read an old gazetteer, listened to -the awful noises: looked at faces, scenes, and figures in the fire. -At length, the steady ticking of the undisturbed clock on the wall -tormented me to that degree that I resolved to go to bed. - -It was reassuring, on such a night, to be told that some of the -inn-servants had agreed together to sit up until morning. I went -to bed, exceedingly weary and heavy; but, on my lying down, all -such sensations vanished, as if by magic, and I was broad awake, -with every sense refined. - -For hours I lay there, listening to the wind and water; imagining, -now, that I heard shrieks out at sea; now, that I distinctly heard -the firing of signal guns; and now, the fall of houses in the town. -I got up, several times, and looked out; but could see nothing, -except the reflection in the window-panes of the faint candle I had -left burning, and of my own haggard face looking in at me from the -black void. - -At length, my restlessness attained to such a pitch, that I hurried -on my clothes, and went downstairs. In the large kitchen, where I -dimly saw bacon and ropes of onions hanging from the beams, the -watchers were clustered together, in various attitudes, about a -table, purposely moved away from the great chimney, and brought -near the door. A pretty girl, who had her ears stopped with her -apron, and her eyes upon the door, screamed when I appeared, -supposing me to be a spirit; but the others had more presence of -mind, and were glad of an addition to their company. One man, -referring to the topic they had been discussing, asked me whether -I thought the souls of the collier-crews who had gone down, were -out in the storm? - -I remained there, I dare say, two hours. Once, I opened the -yard-gate, and looked into the empty street. The sand, the -sea-weed, and the flakes of foam, were driving by; and I was -obliged to call for assistance before I could shut the gate again, -and make it fast against the wind. - -There was a dark gloom in my solitary chamber, when I at length -returned to it; but I was tired now, and, getting into bed again, -fell - off a tower and down a precipice - into the depths of sleep. -I have an impression that for a long time, though I dreamed of -being elsewhere and in a variety of scenes, it was always blowing -in my dream. At length, I lost that feeble hold upon reality, and -was engaged with two dear friends, but who they were I don't know, -at the siege of some town in a roar of cannonading. - -The thunder of the cannon was so loud and incessant, that I could -not hear something I much desired to hear, until I made a great -exertion and awoke. It was broad day - eight or nine o'clock; the -storm raging, in lieu of the batteries; and someone knocking and -calling at my door. - -'What is the matter?' I cried. - -'A wreck! Close by!' - -I sprung out of bed, and asked, what wreck? - -'A schooner, from Spain or Portugal, laden with fruit and wine. -Make haste, sir, if you want to see her! It's thought, down on the -beach, she'll go to pieces every moment.' - -The excited voice went clamouring along the staircase; and I -wrapped myself in my clothes as quickly as I could, and ran into -the street. - -Numbers of people were there before me, all running in one -direction, to the beach. I ran the same way, outstripping a good -many, and soon came facing the wild sea. - -The wind might by this time have lulled a little, though not more -sensibly than if the cannonading I had dreamed of, had been -diminished by the silencing of half-a-dozen guns out of hundreds. -But the sea, having upon it the additional agitation of the whole -night, was infinitely more terrific than when I had seen it last. -Every appearance it had then presented, bore the expression of -being swelled; and the height to which the breakers rose, and, -looking over one another, bore one another down, and rolled in, in -interminable hosts, was most appalling. -In the difficulty of hearing anything but wind and waves, and in -the crowd, and the unspeakable confusion, and my first breathless -efforts to stand against the weather, I was so confused that I -looked out to sea for the wreck, and saw nothing but the foaming -heads of the great waves. A half-dressed boatman, standing next -me, pointed with his bare arm (a tattoo'd arrow on it, pointing in -the same direction) to the left. Then, O great Heaven, I saw it, -close in upon us! - -One mast was broken short off, six or eight feet from the deck, and -lay over the side, entangled in a maze of sail and rigging; and all -that ruin, as the ship rolled and beat - which she did without a -moment's pause, and with a violence quite inconceivable - beat the -side as if it would stave it in. Some efforts were even then being -made, to cut this portion of the wreck away; for, as the ship, -which was broadside on, turned towards us in her rolling, I plainly -descried her people at work with axes, especially one active figure -with long curling hair, conspicuous among the rest. But a great -cry, which was audible even above the wind and water, rose from the -shore at this moment; the sea, sweeping over the rolling wreck, -made a clean breach, and carried men, spars, casks, planks, -bulwarks, heaps of such toys, into the boiling surge. - -The second mast was yet standing, with the rags of a rent sail, and -a wild confusion of broken cordage flapping to and fro. The ship -had struck once, the same boatman hoarsely said in my ear, and then -lifted in and struck again. I understood him to add that she was -parting amidships, and I could readily suppose so, for the rolling -and beating were too tremendous for any human work to suffer long. -As he spoke, there was another great cry of pity from the beach; -four men arose with the wreck out of the deep, clinging to the -rigging of the remaining mast; uppermost, the active figure with -the curling hair. - -There was a bell on board; and as the ship rolled and dashed, like -a desperate creature driven mad, now showing us the whole sweep of -her deck, as she turned on her beam-ends towards the shore, now -nothing but her keel, as she sprung wildly over and turned towards -the sea, the bell rang; and its sound, the knell of those unhappy -men, was borne towards us on the wind. Again we lost her, and -again she rose. Two men were gone. The agony on the shore -increased. Men groaned, and clasped their hands; women shrieked, -and turned away their faces. Some ran wildly up and down along the -beach, crying for help where no help could be. I found myself one -of these, frantically imploring a knot of sailors whom I knew, not -to let those two lost creatures perish before our eyes. - -They were making out to me, in an agitated way - I don't know how, -for the little I could hear I was scarcely composed enough to -understand - that the lifeboat had been bravely manned an hour ago, -and could do nothing; and that as no man would be so desperate as -to attempt to wade off with a rope, and establish a communication -with the shore, there was nothing left to try; when I noticed that -some new sensation moved the people on the beach, and saw them -part, and Ham come breaking through them to the front. - -I ran to him - as well as I know, to repeat my appeal for help. -But, distracted though I was, by a sight so new to me and terrible, -the determination in his face, and his look out to sea - exactly -the same look as I remembered in connexion with the morning after -Emily's flight - awoke me to a knowledge of his danger. I held him -back with both arms; and implored the men with whom I had been -speaking, not to listen to him, not to do murder, not to let him -stir from off that sand! - -Another cry arose on shore; and looking to the wreck, we saw the -cruel sail, with blow on blow, beat off the lower of the two men, -and fly up in triumph round the active figure left alone upon the -mast. - -Against such a sight, and against such determination as that of the -calmly desperate man who was already accustomed to lead half the -people present, I might as hopefully have entreated the wind. -'Mas'r Davy,' he said, cheerily grasping me by both hands, 'if my -time is come, 'tis come. If 'tan't, I'll bide it. Lord above -bless you, and bless all! Mates, make me ready! I'm a-going off!' - -I was swept away, but not unkindly, to some distance, where the -people around me made me stay; urging, as I confusedly perceived, -that he was bent on going, with help or without, and that I should -endanger the precautions for his safety by troubling those with -whom they rested. I don't know what I answered, or what they -rejoined; but I saw hurry on the beach, and men running with ropes -from a capstan that was there, and penetrating into a circle of -figures that hid him from me. Then, I saw him standing alone, in -a seaman's frock and trousers: a rope in his hand, or slung to his -wrist: another round his body: and several of the best men holding, -at a little distance, to the latter, which he laid out himself, -slack upon the shore, at his feet. - -The wreck, even to my unpractised eye, was breaking up. I saw that -she was parting in the middle, and that the life of the solitary -man upon the mast hung by a thread. Still, he clung to it. He had -a singular red cap on, - not like a sailor's cap, but of a finer -colour; and as the few yielding planks between him and destruction -rolled and bulged, and his anticipative death-knell rung, he was -seen by all of us to wave it. I saw him do it now, and thought I -was going distracted, when his action brought an old remembrance to -my mind of a once dear friend. - -Ham watched the sea, standing alone, with the silence of suspended -breath behind him, and the storm before, until there was a great -retiring wave, when, with a backward glance at those who held the -rope which was made fast round his body, he dashed in after it, and -in a moment was buffeting with the water; rising with the hills, -falling with the valleys, lost beneath the foam; then drawn again -to land. They hauled in hastily. - -He was hurt. I saw blood on his face, from where I stood; but he -took no thought of that. He seemed hurriedly to give them some -directions for leaving him more free - or so I judged from the -motion of his arm - and was gone as before. - -And now he made for the wreck, rising with the hills, falling with -the valleys, lost beneath the rugged foam, borne in towards the -shore, borne on towards the ship, striving hard and valiantly. The -distance was nothing, but the power of the sea and wind made the -strife deadly. At length he neared the wreck. He was so near, -that with one more of his vigorous strokes he would be clinging to -it, - when a high, green, vast hill-side of water, moving on -shoreward, from beyond the ship, he seemed to leap up into it with -a mighty bound, and the ship was gone! - -Some eddying fragments I saw in the sea, as if a mere cask had been -broken, in running to the spot where they were hauling in. -Consternation was in every face. They drew him to my very feet - -insensible - dead. He was carried to the nearest house; and, no -one preventing me now, I remained near him, busy, while every means -of restoration were tried; but he had been beaten to death by the -great wave, and his generous heart was stilled for ever. - -As I sat beside the bed, when hope was abandoned and all was done, -a fisherman, who had known me when Emily and I were children, and -ever since, whispered my name at the door. - -'Sir,' said he, with tears starting to his weather-beaten face, -which, with his trembling lips, was ashy pale, 'will you come over -yonder?' - -The old remembrance that had been recalled to me, was in his look. -I asked him, terror-stricken, leaning on the arm he held out to -support me: - -'Has a body come ashore?' - -He said, 'Yes.' - -'Do I know it?' I asked then. - -He answered nothing. - -But he led me to the shore. And on that part of it where she and -I had looked for shells, two children - on that part of it where -some lighter fragments of the old boat, blown down last night, had -been scattered by the wind - among the ruins of the home he had -wronged - I saw him lying with his head upon his arm, as I had -often seen him lie at school. - - - -CHAPTER 56 -THE NEW WOUND, AND THE OLD - -No need, O Steerforth, to have said, when we last spoke together, -in that hour which I so little deemed to be our parting-hour - no -need to have said, 'Think of me at my best!' I had done that ever; -and could I change now, looking on this sight! - -They brought a hand-bier, and laid him on it, and covered him with -a flag, and took him up and bore him on towards the houses. All -the men who carried him had known him, and gone sailing with him, -and seen him merry and bold. They carried him through the wild -roar, a hush in the midst of all the tumult; and took him to the -cottage where Death was already. - -But when they set the bier down on the threshold, they looked at -one another, and at me, and whispered. I knew why. They felt as -if it were not right to lay him down in the same quiet room. - -We went into the town, and took our burden to the inn. So soon as -I could at all collect my thoughts, I sent for Joram, and begged -him to provide me a conveyance in which it could be got to London -in the night. I knew that the care of it, and the hard duty of -preparing his mother to receive it, could only rest with me; and I -was anxious to discharge that duty as faithfully as I could. - -I chose the night for the journey, that there might be less -curiosity when I left the town. But, although it was nearly -midnight when I came out of the yard in a chaise, followed by what -I had in charge, there were many people waiting. At intervals, -along the town, and even a little way out upon the road, I saw -more: but at length only the bleak night and the open country were -around me, and the ashes of my youthful friendship. - -Upon a mellow autumn day, about noon, when the ground was perfumed -by fallen leaves, and many more, in beautiful tints of yellow, red, -and brown, yet hung upon the trees, through which the sun was -shining, I arrived at Highgate. I walked the last mile, thinking -as I went along of what I had to do; and left the carriage that had -followed me all through the night, awaiting orders to advance. - -The house, when I came up to it, looked just the same. Not a blind -was raised; no sign of life was in the dull paved court, with its -covered way leading to the disused door. The wind had quite gone -down, and nothing moved. - -I had not, at first, the courage to ring at the gate; and when I -did ring, my errand seemed to me to be expressed in the very sound -of the bell. The little parlour-maid came out, with the key in her -hand; and looking earnestly at me as she unlocked the gate, said: - -'I beg your pardon, sir. Are you ill?' - -'I have been much agitated, and am fatigued.' - -'Is anything the matter, sir? - Mr. James? -' -'Hush!' said I. 'Yes, something has happened, that I have to break -to Mrs. Steerforth. She is at home?' - -The girl anxiously replied that her mistress was very seldom out -now, even in a carriage; that she kept her room; that she saw no -company, but would see me. Her mistress was up, she said, and Miss -Dartle was with her. What message should she take upstairs? - -Giving her a strict charge to be careful of her manner, and only to -carry in my card and say I waited, I sat down in the drawing-room -(which we had now reached) until she should come back. Its former -pleasant air of occupation was gone, and the shutters were half -closed. The harp had not been used for many and many a day. His -picture, as a boy, was there. The cabinet in which his mother had -kept his letters was there. I wondered if she ever read them now; -if she would ever read them more! - -The house was so still that I heard the girl's light step upstairs. -On her return, she brought a message, to the effect that Mrs. -Steerforth was an invalid and could not come down; but that if I -would excuse her being in her chamber, she would be glad to see me. -In a few moments I stood before her. - -She was in his room; not in her own. I felt, of course, that she -had taken to occupy it, in remembrance of him; and that the many -tokens of his old sports and accomplishments, by which she was -surrounded, remained there, just as he had left them, for the same -reason. She murmured, however, even in her reception of me, that -she was out of her own chamber because its aspect was unsuited to -her infirmity; and with her stately look repelled the least -suspicion of the truth. - -At her chair, as usual, was Rosa Dartle. From the first moment of -her dark eyes resting on me, I saw she knew I was the bearer of -evil tidings. The scar sprung into view that instant. She -withdrew herself a step behind the chair, to keep her own face out -of Mrs. Steerforth's observation; and scrutinized me with a -piercing gaze that never faltered, never shrunk. - -'I am sorry to observe you are in mourning, sir,' said Mrs. -Steerforth. - -'I am unhappily a widower,' said I. - -'You are very young to know so great a loss,' she returned. 'I am -grieved to hear it. I am grieved to hear it. I hope Time will be -good to you.' - -'I hope Time,' said I, looking at her, 'will be good to all of us. -Dear Mrs. Steerforth, we must all trust to that, in our heaviest -misfortunes.' - -The earnestness of my manner, and the tears in my eyes, alarmed -her. The whole course of her thoughts appeared to stop, and -change. - -I tried to command my voice in gently saying his name, but it -trembled. She repeated it to herself, two or three times, in a low -tone. Then, addressing me, she said, with enforced calmness: - -'My son is ill.' - -'Very ill.' - -'You have seen him?' - -'I have.' - -'Are you reconciled?' - -I could not say Yes, I could not say No. She slightly turned her -head towards the spot where Rosa Dartle had been standing at her -elbow, and in that moment I said, by the motion of my lips, to -Rosa, 'Dead!' - -That Mrs. Steerforth might not be induced to look behind her, and -read, plainly written, what she was not yet prepared to know, I met -her look quickly; but I had seen Rosa Dartle throw her hands up in -the air with vehemence of despair and horror, and then clasp them -on her face. - -The handsome lady - so like, oh so like! - regarded me with a fixed -look, and put her hand to her forehead. I besought her to be calm, -and prepare herself to bear what I had to tell; but I should rather -have entreated her to weep, for she sat like a stone figure. - -'When I was last here,' I faltered, 'Miss Dartle told me he was -sailing here and there. The night before last was a dreadful one -at sea. If he were at sea that night, and near a dangerous coast, -as it is said he was; and if the vessel that was seen should really -be the ship which -' - -'Rosa!' said Mrs. Steerforth, 'come to me!' - -She came, but with no sympathy or gentleness. Her eyes gleamed -like fire as she confronted his mother, and broke into a frightful -laugh. - -'Now,' she said, 'is your pride appeased, you madwoman? Now has he -made atonement to you - with his life! Do you hear? - His life!' - -Mrs. Steerforth, fallen back stiffly in her chair, and making no -sound but a moan, cast her eyes upon her with a wide stare. - -'Aye!' cried Rosa, smiting herself passionately on the breast, -'look at me! Moan, and groan, and look at me! Look here!' striking -the scar, 'at your dead child's handiwork!' - -The moan the mother uttered, from time to time, went to My heart. -Always the same. Always inarticulate and stifled. Always -accompanied with an incapable motion of the head, but with no -change of face. Always proceeding from a rigid mouth and closed -teeth, as if the jaw were locked and the face frozen up in pain. - -'Do you remember when he did this?' she proceeded. 'Do you -remember when, in his inheritance of your nature, and in your -pampering of his pride and passion, he did this, and disfigured me -for life? Look at me, marked until I die with his high -displeasure; and moan and groan for what you made him!' - -'Miss Dartle,' I entreated her. 'For Heaven's sake -' - -'I WILL speak!' she said, turning on me with her lightning eyes. -'Be silent, you! Look at me, I say, proud mother of a proud, false -son! Moan for your nurture of him, moan for your corruption of him, -moan for your loss of him, moan for mine!' - -She clenched her hand, and trembled through her spare, worn figure, -as if her passion were killing her by inches. - -'You, resent his self-will!' she exclaimed. 'You, injured by his -haughty temper! You, who opposed to both, when your hair was grey, -the qualities which made both when you gave him birth! YOU, who -from his cradle reared him to be what he was, and stunted what he -should have been! Are you rewarded, now, for your years of -trouble?' - -'Oh, Miss Dartle, shame! Oh cruel!' - -'I tell you,' she returned, 'I WILL speak to her. No power on -earth should stop me, while I was standing here! Have I been silent -all these years, and shall I not speak now? I loved him better -than you ever loved him!' turning on her fiercely. 'I could have -loved him, and asked no return. If I had been his wife, I could -have been the slave of his caprices for a word of love a year. I -should have been. Who knows it better than I? You were exacting, -proud, punctilious, selfish. My love would have been devoted - -would have trod your paltry whimpering under foot!' - -With flashing eyes, she stamped upon the ground as if she actually -did it. - -'Look here!' she said, striking the scar again, with a relentless -hand. 'When he grew into the better understanding of what he had -done, he saw it, and repented of it! I could sing to him, and talk -to him, and show the ardour that I felt in all he did, and attain -with labour to such knowledge as most interested him; and I -attracted him. When he was freshest and truest, he loved me. Yes, -he did! Many a time, when you were put off with a slight word, he -has taken Me to his heart!' - -She said it with a taunting pride in the midst of her frenzy - for -it was little less - yet with an eager remembrance of it, in which -the smouldering embers of a gentler feeling kindled for the moment. - -'I descended - as I might have known I should, but that he -fascinated me with his boyish courtship - into a doll, a trifle for -the occupation of an idle hour, to be dropped, and taken up, and -trifled with, as the inconstant humour took him. When he grew -weary, I grew weary. As his fancy died out, I would no more have -tried to strengthen any power I had, than I would have married him -on his being forced to take me for his wife. We fell away from one -another without a word. Perhaps you saw it, and were not sorry. -Since then, I have been a mere disfigured piece of furniture -between you both; having no eyes, no ears, no feelings, no -remembrances. Moan? Moan for what you made him; not for your -love. I tell you that the time was, when I loved him better than -you ever did!' - -She stood with her bright angry eyes confronting the wide stare, -and the set face; and softened no more, when the moaning was -repeated, than if the face had been a picture. - -'Miss Dartle,' said I, 'if you can be so obdurate as not to feel -for this afflicted mother -' - -'Who feels for me?' she sharply retorted. 'She has sown this. Let -her moan for the harvest that she reaps today!' - -'And if his faults -' I began. - -'Faults!' she cried, bursting into passionate tears. 'Who dares -malign him? He had a soul worth millions of the friends to whom he -stooped!' - -'No one can have loved him better, no one can hold him in dearer -remembrance than I,' I replied. 'I meant to say, if you have no -compassion for his mother; or if his faults - you have been bitter -on them -' - -'It's false,' she cried, tearing her black hair; 'I loved him!' - -'- if his faults cannot,' I went on, 'be banished from your -remembrance, in such an hour; look at that figure, even as one you -have never seen before, and render it some help!' - -All this time, the figure was unchanged, and looked unchangeable. -Motionless, rigid, staring; moaning in the same dumb way from time -to time, with the same helpless motion of the head; but giving no -other sign of life. Miss Dartle suddenly kneeled down before it, -and began to loosen the dress. - -'A curse upon you!' she said, looking round at me, with a mingled -expression of rage and grief. 'It was in an evil hour that you -ever came here! A curse upon you! Go!' - -After passing out of the room, I hurried back to ring the bell, the -sooner to alarm the servants. She had then taken the impassive -figure in her arms, and, still upon her knees, was weeping over it, -kissing it, calling to it, rocking it to and fro upon her bosom -like a child, and trying every tender means to rouse the dormant -senses. No longer afraid of leaving her, I noiselessly turned back -again; and alarmed the house as I went out. - -Later in the day, I returned, and we laid him in his mother's room. -She was just the same, they told me; Miss Dartle never left her; -doctors were in attendance, many things had been tried; but she lay -like a statue, except for the low sound now and then. - -I went through the dreary house, and darkened the windows. The -windows of the chamber where he lay, I darkened last. I lifted up -the leaden hand, and held it to my heart; and all the world seemed -death and silence, broken only by his mother's moaning. - - - -CHAPTER 57 -THE EMIGRANTS - - -One thing more, I had to do, before yielding myself to the shock of -these emotions. It was, to conceal what had occurred, from those -who were going away; and to dismiss them on their voyage in happy -ignorance. In this, no time was to be lost. - -I took Mr. Micawber aside that same night, and confided to him the -task of standing between Mr. Peggotty and intelligence of the late -catastrophe. He zealously undertook to do so, and to intercept any -newspaper through which it might, without such precautions, reach -him. - -'If it penetrates to him, sir,' said Mr. Micawber, striking himself -on the breast, 'it shall first pass through this body!' - -Mr. Micawber, I must observe, in his adaptation of himself to a new -state of society, had acquired a bold buccaneering air, not -absolutely lawless, but defensive and prompt. One might have -supposed him a child of the wilderness, long accustomed to live out -of the confines of civilization, and about to return to his native -wilds. - -He had provided himself, among other things, with a complete suit -of oilskin, and a straw hat with a very low crown, pitched or -caulked on the outside. In this rough clothing, with a common -mariner's telescope under his arm, and a shrewd trick of casting up -his eye at the sky as looking out for dirty weather, he was far -more nautical, after his manner, than Mr. Peggotty. His whole -family, if I may so express it, were cleared for action. I found -Mrs. Micawber in the closest and most uncompromising of bonnets, -made fast under the chin; and in a shawl which tied her up (as I -had been tied up, when my aunt first received me) like a bundle, -and was secured behind at the waist, in a strong knot. Miss -Micawber I found made snug for stormy weather, in the same manner; -with nothing superfluous about her. Master Micawber was hardly -visible in a Guernsey shirt, and the shaggiest suit of slops I ever -saw; and the children were done up, like preserved meats, in -impervious cases. Both Mr. Micawber and his eldest son wore their -sleeves loosely turned back at the wrists, as being ready to lend -a hand in any direction, and to 'tumble up', or sing out, 'Yeo - -Heave - Yeo!' on the shortest notice. - -Thus Traddles and I found them at nightfall, assembled on the -wooden steps, at that time known as Hungerford Stairs, watching the -departure of a boat with some of their property on board. I had -told Traddles of the terrible event, and it had greatly shocked -him; but there could be no doubt of the kindness of keeping it a -secret, and he had come to help me in this last service. It was -here that I took Mr. Micawber aside, and received his promise. - -The Micawber family were lodged in a little, dirty, tumble-down -public-house, which in those days was close to the stairs, and -whose protruding wooden rooms overhung the river. The family, as -emigrants, being objects of some interest in and about Hungerford, -attracted so many beholders, that we were glad to take refuge in -their room. It was one of the wooden chambers upstairs, with the -tide flowing underneath. My aunt and Agnes were there, busily -making some little extra comforts, in the way of dress, for the -children. Peggotty was quietly assisting, with the old insensible -work-box, yard-measure, and bit of wax-candle before her, that had -now outlived so much. - -It was not easy to answer her inquiries; still less to whisper Mr. -Peggotty, when Mr. Micawber brought him in, that I had given the -letter, and all was well. But I did both, and made them happy. If -I showed any trace of what I felt, my own sorrows were sufficient -to account for it. - -'And when does the ship sail, Mr. Micawber?' asked my aunt. - -Mr. Micawber considered it necessary to prepare either my aunt or -his wife, by degrees, and said, sooner than he had expected -yesterday. - -'The boat brought you word, I suppose?' said my aunt. - -'It did, ma'am,' he returned. - -'Well?' said my aunt. 'And she sails -' - -'Madam,' he replied, 'I am informed that we must positively be on -board before seven tomorrow morning.' - -'Heyday!' said my aunt, 'that's soon. Is it a sea-going fact, Mr. -Peggotty?' -''Tis so, ma'am. She'll drop down the river with that theer tide. -If Mas'r Davy and my sister comes aboard at Gravesen', arternoon o' -next day, they'll see the last on us.' - -'And that we shall do,' said I, 'be sure!' - -'Until then, and until we are at sea,' observed Mr. Micawber, with -a glance of intelligence at me, 'Mr. Peggotty and myself will -constantly keep a double look-out together, on our goods and -chattels. Emma, my love,' said Mr. Micawber, clearing his throat -in his magnificent way, 'my friend Mr. Thomas Traddles is so -obliging as to solicit, in my ear, that he should have the -privilege of ordering the ingredients necessary to the composition -of a moderate portion of that Beverage which is peculiarly -associated, in our minds, with the Roast Beef of Old England. I -allude to - in short, Punch. Under ordinary circumstances, I -should scruple to entreat the indulgence of Miss Trotwood and Miss -Wickfield, but-' - -'I can only say for myself,' said my aunt, 'that I will drink all -happiness and success to you, Mr. Micawber, with the utmost -pleasure.' - -'And I too!' said Agnes, with a smile. - -Mr. Micawber immediately descended to the bar, where he appeared to -be quite at home; and in due time returned with a steaming jug. I -could not but observe that he had been peeling the lemons with his -own clasp-knife, which, as became the knife of a practical settler, -was about a foot long; and which he wiped, not wholly without -ostentation, on the sleeve of his coat. Mrs. Micawber and the two -elder members of the family I now found to be provided with similar -formidable instruments, while every child had its own wooden spoon -attached to its body by a strong line. In a similar anticipation -of life afloat, and in the Bush, Mr. Micawber, instead of helping -Mrs. Micawber and his eldest son and daughter to punch, in -wine-glasses, which he might easily have done, for there was a -shelf-full in the room, served it out to them in a series of -villainous little tin pots; and I never saw him enjoy anything so -much as drinking out of his own particular pint pot, and putting it -in his pocket at the close of the evening. - -'The luxuries of the old country,' said Mr. Micawber, with an -intense satisfaction in their renouncement, 'we abandon. The -denizens of the forest cannot, of course, expect to participate in -the refinements of the land of the Free.' - -Here, a boy came in to say that Mr. Micawber was wanted downstairs. - -'I have a presentiment,' said Mrs. Micawber, setting down her tin -pot, 'that it is a member of my family!' - -'If so, my dear,' observed Mr. Micawber, with his usual suddenness -of warmth on that subject, 'as the member of your family - whoever -he, she, or it, may be - has kept us waiting for a considerable -period, perhaps the Member may now wait MY convenience.' - -'Micawber,' said his wife, in a low tone, 'at such a time as -this -' - -'"It is not meet,"' said Mr. Micawber, rising, '"that every nice -offence should bear its comment!" Emma, I stand reproved.' - -'The loss, Micawber,' observed his wife, 'has been my family's, not -yours. If my family are at length sensible of the deprivation to -which their own conduct has, in the past, exposed them, and now -desire to extend the hand of fellowship, let it not be repulsed.' - -'My dear,' he returned, 'so be it!' - -'If not for their sakes; for mine, Micawber,' said his wife. - -'Emma,' he returned, 'that view of the question is, at such a -moment, irresistible. I cannot, even now, distinctly pledge myself -to fall upon your family's neck; but the member of your family, who -is now in attendance, shall have no genial warmth frozen by me.' - -Mr. Micawber withdrew, and was absent some little time; in the -course of which Mrs. Micawber was not wholly free from an -apprehension that words might have arisen between him and the -Member. At length the same boy reappeared, and presented me with -a note written in pencil, and headed, in a legal manner, 'Heep v. -Micawber'. From this document, I learned that Mr. Micawber being -again arrested, 'Was in a final paroxysm of despair; and that he -begged me to send him his knife and pint pot, by bearer, as they -might prove serviceable during the brief remainder of his -existence, in jail. He also requested, as a last act of -friendship, that I would see his family to the Parish Workhouse, -and forget that such a Being ever lived. - -Of course I answered this note by going down with the boy to pay -the money, where I found Mr. Micawber sitting in a corner, looking -darkly at the Sheriff 's Officer who had effected the capture. On -his release, he embraced me with the utmost fervour; and made an -entry of the transaction in his pocket-book - being very -particular, I recollect, about a halfpenny I inadvertently omitted -from my statement of the total. - -This momentous pocket-book was a timely reminder to him of another -transaction. On our return to the room upstairs (where he -accounted for his absence by saying that it had been occasioned by -circumstances over which he had no control), he took out of it a -large sheet of paper, folded small, and quite covered with long -sums, carefully worked. From the glimpse I had of them, I should -say that I never saw such sums out of a school ciphering-book. -These, it seemed, were calculations of compound interest on what he -called 'the principal amount of forty-one, ten, eleven and a half', -for various periods. After a careful consideration of these, and -an elaborate estimate of his resources, he had come to the -conclusion to select that sum which represented the amount with -compound interest to two years, fifteen calendar months, and -fourteen days, from that date. For this he had drawn a -note-of-hand with great neatness, which he handed over to Traddles -on the spot, a discharge of his debt in full (as between man and -man), with many acknowledgements. - -'I have still a presentiment,' said Mrs. Micawber, pensively -shaking her head, 'that my family will appear on board, before we -finally depart.' - -Mr. Micawber evidently had his presentiment on the subject too, but -he put it in his tin pot and swallowed it. - -'If you have any opportunity of sending letters home, on your -passage, Mrs. Micawber,' said my aunt, 'you must let us hear from -you, you know.' - -'My dear Miss Trotwood,' she replied, 'I shall only be too happy to -think that anyone expects to hear from us. I shall not fail to -correspond. Mr. Copperfield, I trust, as an old and familiar -friend, will not object to receive occasional intelligence, -himself, from one who knew him when the twins were yet -unconscious?' - -I said that I should hope to hear, whenever she had an opportunity -of writing. - -'Please Heaven, there will be many such opportunities,' said Mr. -Micawber. 'The ocean, in these times, is a perfect fleet of ships; -and we can hardly fail to encounter many, in running over. It is -merely crossing,' said Mr. Micawber, trifling with his eye-glass, -'merely crossing. The distance is quite imaginary.' - -I think, now, how odd it was, but how wonderfully like Mr. -Micawber, that, when he went from London to Canterbury, he should -have talked as if he were going to the farthest limits of the -earth; and, when he went from England to Australia, as if he were -going for a little trip across the channel. - -'On the voyage, I shall endeavour,' said Mr. Micawber, -'occasionally to spin them a yarn; and the melody of my son Wilkins -will, I trust, be acceptable at the galley-fire. When Mrs. -Micawber has her sea-legs on - an expression in which I hope there -is no conventional impropriety - she will give them, I dare say, -"Little Tafflin". Porpoises and dolphins, I believe, will be -frequently observed athwart our Bows; and, either on the starboard -or the larboard quarter, objects of interest will be continually -descried. In short,' said Mr. Micawber, with the old genteel air, -'the probability is, all will be found so exciting, alow and aloft, -that when the lookout, stationed in the main-top, cries Land-oh! we -shall be very considerably astonished!' - -With that he flourished off the contents of his little tin pot, as -if he had made the voyage, and had passed a first-class examination -before the highest naval authorities. - -'What I chiefly hope, my dear Mr. Copperfield,' said Mrs. -Micawber, 'is, that in some branches of our family we may live -again in the old country. Do not frown, Micawber! I do not now -refer to my own family, but to our children's children. However -vigorous the sapling,' said Mrs. Micawber, shaking her head, 'I -cannot forget the parent-tree; and when our race attains to -eminence and fortune, I own I should wish that fortune to flow into -the coffers of Britannia.' - -'My dear,' said Mr. Micawber, 'Britannia must take her chance. I -am bound to say that she has never done much for me, and that I -have no particular wish upon the subject.' - -'Micawber,' returned Mrs. Micawber, 'there, you are wrong. You are -going out, Micawber, to this distant clime, to strengthen, not to -weaken, the connexion between yourself and Albion.' - -'The connexion in question, my love,' rejoined Mr. Micawber, 'has -not laid me, I repeat, under that load of personal obligation, that -I am at all sensitive as to the formation of another connexion.' - -'Micawber,' returned Mrs. Micawber. 'There, I again say, you are -wrong. You do not know your power, Micawber. It is that which -will strengthen, even in this step you are about to take, the -connexion between yourself and Albion.' - -Mr. Micawber sat in his elbow-chair, with his eyebrows raised; half -receiving and half repudiating Mrs. Micawber's views as they were -stated, but very sensible of their foresight. - -'My dear Mr. Copperfield,' said Mrs. Micawber, 'I wish Mr. Micawber -to feel his position. It appears to me highly important that Mr. -Micawber should, from the hour of his embarkation, feel his -position. Your old knowledge of me, my dear Mr. Copperfield, will -have told you that I have not the sanguine disposition of Mr. -Micawber. My disposition is, if I may say so, eminently practical. -I know that this is a long voyage. I know that it will involve -many privations and inconveniences. I cannot shut my eyes to those -facts. But I also know what Mr. Micawber is. I know the latent -power of Mr. Micawber. And therefore I consider it vitally -important that Mr. Micawber should feel his position.' - -'My love,' he observed, 'perhaps you will allow me to remark that -it is barely possible that I DO feel my position at the present -moment.' - -'I think not, Micawber,' she rejoined. 'Not fully. My dear Mr. -Copperfield, Mr. Micawber's is not a common case. Mr. Micawber is -going to a distant country expressly in order that he may be fully -understood and appreciated for the first time. I wish Mr. Micawber -to take his stand upon that vessel's prow, and firmly say, "This -country I am come to conquer! Have you honours? Have you riches? -Have you posts of profitable pecuniary emolument? Let them be -brought forward. They are mine!"' - -Mr. Micawber, glancing at us all, seemed to think there was a good -deal in this idea. - -'I wish Mr. Micawber, if I make myself understood,' said Mrs. -Micawber, in her argumentative tone, 'to be the Caesar of his own -fortunes. That, my dear Mr. Copperfield, appears to me to be his -true position. From the first moment of this voyage, I wish Mr. -Micawber to stand upon that vessel's prow and say, "Enough of -delay: enough of disappointment: enough of limited means. That was -in the old country. This is the new. Produce your reparation. -Bring it forward!"' - -Mr. Micawber folded his arms in a resolute manner, as if he were -then stationed on the figure-head. - -'And doing that,' said Mrs. Micawber, '- feeling his position - am -I not right in saying that Mr. Micawber will strengthen, and not -weaken, his connexion with Britain? An important public character -arising in that hemisphere, shall I be told that its influence will -not be felt at home? Can I be so weak as to imagine that Mr. -Micawber, wielding the rod of talent and of power in Australia, -will be nothing in England? I am but a woman; but I should be -unworthy of myself and of my papa, if I were guilty of such absurd -weakness.' - -Mrs. Micawber's conviction that her arguments were unanswerable, -gave a moral elevation to her tone which I think I had never heard -in it before. - -'And therefore it is,' said Mrs. Micawber, 'that I the more wish, -that, at a future period, we may live again on the parent soil. -Mr. Micawber may be - I cannot disguise from myself that the -probability is, Mr. Micawber will be - a page of History; and he -ought then to be represented in the country which gave him birth, -and did NOT give him employment!' - -'My love,' observed Mr. Micawber, 'it is impossible for me not to -be touched by your affection. I am always willing to defer to your -good sense. What will be - will be. Heaven forbid that I should -grudge my native country any portion of the wealth that may be -accumulated by our descendants!' - -'That's well,' said my aunt, nodding towards Mr. Peggotty, 'and I -drink my love to you all, and every blessing and success attend -you!' - -Mr. Peggotty put down the two children he had been nursing, one on -each knee, to join Mr. and Mrs. Micawber in drinking to all of us -in return; and when he and the Micawbers cordially shook hands as -comrades, and his brown face brightened with a smile, I felt that -he would make his way, establish a good name, and be beloved, go -where he would. - -Even the children were instructed, each to dip a wooden spoon into -Mr. Micawber's pot, and pledge us in its contents. When this was -done, my aunt and Agnes rose, and parted from the emigrants. It -was a sorrowful farewell. They were all crying; the children hung -about Agnes to the last; and we left poor Mrs. Micawber in a very -distressed condition, sobbing and weeping by a dim candle, that -must have made the room look, from the river, like a miserable -light-house. - -I went down again next morning to see that they were away. They -had departed, in a boat, as early as five o'clock. It was a -wonderful instance to me of the gap such partings make, that -although my association of them with the tumble-down public-house -and the wooden stairs dated only from last night, both seemed -dreary and deserted, now that they were gone. - -In the afternoon of the next day, my old nurse and I went down to -Gravesend. We found the ship in the river, surrounded by a crowd -of boats; a favourable wind blowing; the signal for sailing at her -mast-head. I hired a boat directly, and we put off to her; and -getting through the little vortex of confusion of which she was the -centre, went on board. - -Mr. Peggotty was waiting for us on deck. He told me that Mr. -Micawber had just now been arrested again (and for the last time) -at the suit of Heep, and that, in compliance with a request I had -made to him, he had paid the money, which I repaid him. He then -took us down between decks; and there, any lingering fears I had of -his having heard any rumours of what had happened, were dispelled -by Mr. Micawber's coming out of the gloom, taking his arm with an -air of friendship and protection, and telling me that they had -scarcely been asunder for a moment, since the night before last. - -It was such a strange scene to me, and so confined and dark, that, -at first, I could make out hardly anything; but, by degrees, it -cleared, as my eyes became more accustomed to the gloom, and I -seemed to stand in a picture by OSTADE. Among the great beams, -bulks, and ringbolts of the ship, and the emigrant-berths, and -chests, and bundles, and barrels, and heaps of miscellaneous -baggage -'lighted up, here and there, by dangling lanterns; and -elsewhere by the yellow daylight straying down a windsail or a -hatchway - were crowded groups of people, making new friendships, -taking leave of one another, talking, laughing, crying, eating and -drinking; some, already settled down into the possession of their -few feet of space, with their little households arranged, and tiny -children established on stools, or in dwarf elbow-chairs; others, -despairing of a resting-place, and wandering disconsolately. From -babies who had but a week or two of life behind them, to crooked -old men and women who seemed to have but a week or two of life -before them; and from ploughmen bodily carrying out soil of England -on their boots, to smiths taking away samples of its soot and smoke -upon their skins; every age and occupation appeared to be crammed -into the narrow compass of the 'tween decks. - -As my eye glanced round this place, I thought I saw sitting, by an -open port, with one of the Micawber children near her, a figure -like Emily's; it first attracted my attention, by another figure -parting from it with a kiss; and as it glided calmly away through -the disorder, reminding me of - Agnes! But in the rapid motion and -confusion, and in the unsettlement of my own thoughts, I lost it -again; and only knew that the time was come when all visitors were -being warned to leave the ship; that my nurse was crying on a chest -beside me; and that Mrs. Gummidge, assisted by some younger -stooping woman in black, was busily arranging Mr. Peggotty's goods. - -'Is there any last wured, Mas'r Davy?' said he. 'Is there any one -forgotten thing afore we parts?' - -'One thing!' said I. 'Martha!' - -He touched the younger woman I have mentioned on the shoulder, and -Martha stood before me. - -'Heaven bless you, you good man!' cried I. 'You take her with -you!' - -She answered for him, with a burst of tears. I could speak no more -at that time, but I wrung his hand; and if ever I have loved and -honoured any man, I loved and honoured that man in my soul. - -The ship was clearing fast of strangers. The greatest trial that -I had, remained. I told him what the noble spirit that was gone, -had given me in charge to say at parting. It moved him deeply. -But when he charged me, in return, with many messages of affection -and regret for those deaf ears, he moved me more. - -The time was come. I embraced him, took my weeping nurse upon my -arm, and hurried away. On deck, I took leave of poor Mrs. -Micawber. She was looking distractedly about for her family, even -then; and her last words to me were, that she never would desert -Mr. Micawber. - -We went over the side into our boat, and lay at a little distance, -to see the ship wafted on her course. It was then calm, radiant -sunset. She lay between us, and the red light; and every taper -line and spar was visible against the glow. A sight at once so -beautiful, so mournful, and so hopeful, as the glorious ship, -lying, still, on the flushed water, with all the life on board her -crowded at the bulwarks, and there clustering, for a moment, -bare-headed and silent, I never saw. - -Silent, only for a moment. As the sails rose to the wind, and the -ship began to move, there broke from all the boats three resounding -cheers, which those on board took up, and echoed back, and which -were echoed and re-echoed. My heart burst out when I heard the -sound, and beheld the waving of the hats and handkerchiefs - and -then I saw her! - -Then I saw her, at her uncle's side, and trembling on his shoulder. -He pointed to us with an eager hand; and she saw us, and waved her -last good-bye to me. Aye, Emily, beautiful and drooping, cling to -him with the utmost trust of thy bruised heart; for he has clung to -thee, with all the might of his great love! - -Surrounded by the rosy light, and standing high upon the deck, -apart together, she clinging to him, and he holding her, they -solemnly passed away. The night had fallen on the Kentish hills -when we were rowed ashore - and fallen darkly upon me. - - - -CHAPTER 58 -ABSENCE - - -It was a long and gloomy night that gathered on me, haunted by the -ghosts of many hopes, of many dear remembrances, many errors, many -unavailing sorrows and regrets. - -I went away from England; not knowing, even then, how great the -shock was, that I had to bear. I left all who were dear to me, and -went away; and believed that I had borne it, and it was past. As -a man upon a field of battle will receive a mortal hurt, and -scarcely know that he is struck, so I, when I was left alone with -my undisciplined heart, had no conception of the wound with which -it had to strive. - -The knowledge came upon me, not quickly, but little by little, and -grain by grain. The desolate feeling with which I went abroad, -deepened and widened hourly. At first it was a heavy sense of loss -and sorrow, wherein I could distinguish little else. By -imperceptible degrees, it became a hopeless consciousness of all -that I had lost - love, friendship, interest; of all that had been -shattered - my first trust, my first affection, the whole airy -castle of my life; of all that remained - a ruined blank and waste, -lying wide around me, unbroken, to the dark horizon. - -If my grief were selfish, I did not know it to be so. I mourned -for my child-wife, taken from her blooming world, so young. I -mourned for him who might have won the love and admiration of -thousands, as he had won mine long ago. I mourned for the broken -heart that had found rest in the stormy sea; and for the wandering -remnants of the simple home, where I had heard the night-wind -blowing, when I was a child. - -From the accumulated sadness into which I fell, I had at length no -hope of ever issuing again. I roamed from place to place, carrying -my burden with me everywhere. I felt its whole weight now; and I -drooped beneath it, and I said in my heart that it could never be -lightened. - -When this despondency was at its worst, I believed that I should -die. Sometimes, I thought that I would like to die at home; and -actually turned back on my road, that I might get there soon. At -other times, I passed on farther away, -from city to city, seeking -I know not what, and trying to leave I know not what behind. - -It is not in my power to retrace, one by one, all the weary phases -of distress of mind through which I passed. There are some dreams -that can only be imperfectly and vaguely described; and when I -oblige myself to look back on this time of my life, I seem to be -recalling such a dream. I see myself passing on among the -novelties of foreign towns, palaces, cathedrals, temples, pictures, -castles, tombs, fantastic streets - the old abiding places of -History and Fancy - as a dreamer might; bearing my painful load -through all, and hardly conscious of the objects as they fade -before me. Listlessness to everything, but brooding sorrow, was -the night that fell on my undisciplined heart. Let me look up from -it - as at last I did, thank Heaven! - and from its long, sad, -wretched dream, to dawn. - -For many months I travelled with this ever-darkening cloud upon my -mind. Some blind reasons that I had for not returning home - -reasons then struggling within me, vainly, for more distinct -expression - kept me on my pilgrimage. Sometimes, I had proceeded -restlessly from place to place, stopping nowhere; sometimes, I had -lingered long in one spot. I had had no purpose, no sustaining -soul within me, anywhere. - -I was in Switzerland. I had come out of Italy, over one of the -great passes of the Alps, and had since wandered with a guide among -the by-ways of the mountains. If those awful solitudes had spoken -to my heart, I did not know it. I had found sublimity and wonder -in the dread heights and precipices, in the roaring torrents, and -the wastes of ice and snow; but as yet, they had taught me nothing -else. - -I came, one evening before sunset, down into a valley, where I was -to rest. In the course of my descent to it, by the winding track -along the mountain-side, from which I saw it shining far below, I -think some long-unwonted sense of beauty and tranquillity, some -softening influence awakened by its peace, moved faintly in my -breast. I remember pausing once, with a kind of sorrow that was -not all oppressive, not quite despairing. I remember almost hoping -that some better change was possible within me. - -I came into the valley, as the evening sun was shining on the -remote heights of snow, that closed it in, like eternal clouds. -The bases of the mountains forming the gorge in which the little -village lay, were richly green; and high above this gentler -vegetation, grew forests of dark fir, cleaving the wintry -snow-drift, wedge-like, and stemming the avalanche. Above these, -were range upon range of craggy steeps, grey rock, bright ice, and -smooth verdure-specks of pasture, all gradually blending with the -crowning snow. Dotted here and there on the mountain's-side, each -tiny dot a home, were lonely wooden cottages, so dwarfed by the -towering heights that they appeared too small for toys. So did -even the clustered village in the valley, with its wooden bridge -across the stream, where the stream tumbled over broken rocks, and -roared away among the trees. In the quiet air, there was a sound -of distant singing - shepherd voices; but, as one bright evening -cloud floated midway along the mountain's-side, I could almost have -believed it came from there, and was not earthly music. All at -once, in this serenity, great Nature spoke to me; and soothed me to -lay down my weary head upon the grass, and weep as I had not wept -yet, since Dora died! - -I had found a packet of letters awaiting me but a few minutes -before, and had strolled out of the village to read them while my -supper was making ready. Other packets had missed me, and I had -received none for a long time. Beyond a line or two, to say that -I was well, and had arrived at such a place, I had not had -fortitude or constancy to write a letter since I left home. - -The packet was in my hand. I opened it, and read the writing of -Agnes. - -She was happy and useful, was prospering as she had hoped. That -was all she told me of herself. The rest referred to me. - -She gave me no advice; she urged no duty on me; she only told me, -in her own fervent manner, what her trust in me was. She knew (she -said) how such a nature as mine would turn affliction to good. She -knew how trial and emotion would exalt and strengthen it. She was -sure that in my every purpose I should gain a firmer and a higher -tendency, through the grief I had undergone. She, who so gloried -in my fame, and so looked forward to its augmentation, well knew -that I would labour on. She knew that in me, sorrow could not be -weakness, but must be strength. As the endurance of my childish -days had done its part to make me what I was, so greater calamities -would nerve me on, to be yet better than I was; and so, as they had -taught me, would I teach others. She commended me to God, who had -taken my innocent darling to His rest; and in her sisterly -affection cherished me always, and was always at my side go where -I would; proud of what I had done, but infinitely prouder yet of -what I was reserved to do. - -I put the letter in my breast, and thought what had I been an hour -ago! When I heard the voices die away, and saw the quiet evening -cloud grow dim, and all the colours in the valley fade, and the -golden snow upon the mountain-tops become a remote part of the pale -night sky, yet felt that the night was passing from my mind, and -all its shadows clearing, there was no name for the love I bore -her, dearer to me, henceforward, than ever until then. - -I read her letter many times. I wrote to her before I slept. I -told her that I had been in sore need of her help; that without her -I was not, and I never had been, what she thought me; but that she -inspired me to be that, and I would try. - -I did try. In three months more, a year would have passed since -the beginning of my sorrow. I determined to make no resolutions -until the expiration of those three months, but to try. I lived in -that valley, and its neighbourhood, all the time. - -The three months gone, I resolved to remain away from home for some -time longer; to settle myself for the present in Switzerland, which -was growing dear to me in the remembrance of that evening; to -resume my pen; to work. - -I resorted humbly whither Agnes had commended me; I sought out -Nature, never sought in vain; and I admitted to my breast the human -interest I had lately shrunk from. It was not long, before I had -almost as many friends in the valley as in Yarmouth: and when I -left it, before the winter set in, for Geneva, and came back in the -spring, their cordial greetings had a homely sound to me, although -they were not conveyed in English words. - -I worked early and late, patiently and hard. I wrote a Story, with -a purpose growing, not remotely, out of my experience, and sent it -to Traddles, and he arranged for its publication very -advantageously for me; and the tidings of my growing reputation -began to reach me from travellers whom I encountered by chance. -After some rest and change, I fell to work, in my old ardent way, -on a new fancy, which took strong possession of me. As I advanced -in the execution of this task, I felt it more and more, and roused -my utmost energies to do it well. This was my third work of -fiction. It was not half written, when, in an interval of rest, I -thought of returning home. - -For a long time, though studying and working patiently, I had -accustomed myself to robust exercise. My health, severely impaired -when I left England, was quite restored. I had seen much. I had -been in many countries, and I hope I had improved my store of -knowledge. - -I have now recalled all that I think it needful to recall here, of -this term of absence - with one reservation. I have made it, thus -far, with no purpose of suppressing any of my thoughts; for, as I -have elsewhere said, this narrative is my written memory. I have -desired to keep the most secret current of my mind apart, and to -the last. I enter on it now. I cannot so completely penetrate the -mystery of my own heart, as to know when I began to think that I -might have set its earliest and brightest hopes on Agnes. I cannot -say at what stage of my grief it first became associated with the -reflection, that, in my wayward boyhood, I had thrown away the -treasure of her love. I believe I may have heard some whisper of -that distant thought, in the old unhappy loss or want of something -never to be realized, of which I had been sensible. But the -thought came into my mind as a new reproach and new regret, when I -was left so sad and lonely in the world. - -If, at that time, I had been much with her, I should, in the -weakness of my desolation, have betrayed this. It was what I -remotely dreaded when I was first impelled to stay away from -England. I could not have borne to lose the smallest portion of -her sisterly affection; yet, in that betrayal, I should have set a -constraint between us hitherto unknown. - -I could not forget that the feeling with which she now regarded me -had grown up in my own free choice and course. That if she had -ever loved me with another love - and I sometimes thought the time -was when she might have done so - I had cast it away. It was -nothing, now, that I had accustomed myself to think of her, when we -were both mere children, as one who was far removed from my wild -fancies. I had bestowed my passionate tenderness upon another -object; and what I might have done, I had not done; and what Agnes -was to me, I and her own noble heart had made her. - -In the beginning of the change that gradually worked in me, when I -tried to get a better understanding of myself and be a better man, -I did glance, through some indefinite probation, to a period when -I might possibly hope to cancel the mistaken past, and to be so -blessed as to marry her. But, as time wore on, this shadowy -prospect faded, and departed from me. If she had ever loved me, -then, I should hold her the more sacred; remembering the -confidences I had reposed in her, her knowledge of my errant heart, -the sacrifice she must have made to be my friend and sister, and -the victory she had won. If she had never loved me, could I -believe that she would love me now? - -I had always felt my weakness, in comparison with her constancy and -fortitude; and now I felt it more and more. Whatever I might have -been to her, or she to me, if I had been more worthy of her long -ago, I was not now, and she was not. The time was past. I had let -it go by, and had deservedly lost her. - -That I suffered much in these contentions, that they filled me with -unhappiness and remorse, and yet that I had a sustaining sense that -it was required of me, in right and honour, to keep away from -myself, with shame, the thought of turning to the dear girl in the -withering of my hopes, from whom I had frivolously turned when they -were bright and fresh - which consideration was at the root of -every thought I had concerning her - is all equally true. I made -no effort to conceal from myself, now, that I loved her, that I was -devoted to her; but I brought the assurance home to myself, that it -was now too late, and that our long-subsisting relation must be -undisturbed. - -I had thought, much and often, of my Dora's shadowing out to me -what might have happened, in those years that were destined not to -try us; I had considered how the things that never happen, are -often as much realities to us, in their effects, as those that are -accomplished. The very years she spoke of, were realities now, for -my correction; and would have been, one day, a little later -perhaps, though we had parted in our earliest folly. I endeavoured -to convert what might have been between myself and Agnes, into a -means of making me more self-denying, more resolved, more conscious -of myself, and my defects and errors. Thus, through the reflection -that it might have been, I arrived at the conviction that it could -never be. - -These, with their perplexities and inconsistencies, were the -shifting quicksands of my mind, from the time of my departure to -the time of my return home, three years afterwards. Three years -had elapsed since the sailing of the emigrant ship; when, at that -same hour of sunset, and in the same place, I stood on the deck of -the packet vessel that brought me home, looking on the rosy water -where I had seen the image of that ship reflected. - -Three years. Long in the aggregate, though short as they went by. -And home was very dear to me, and Agnes too - but she was not mine -- she was never to be mine. She might have been, but that was -past! - - - -CHAPTER 59 -RETURN - - -I landed in London on a wintry autumn evening. It was dark and -raining, and I saw more fog and mud in a minute than I had seen in -a year. I walked from the Custom House to the Monument before I -found a coach; and although the very house-fronts, looking on the -swollen gutters, were like old friends to me, I could not but admit -that they were very dingy friends. - -I have often remarked - I suppose everybody has - that one's going -away from a familiar place, would seem to be the signal for change -in it. As I looked out of the coach window, and observed that an -old house on Fish-street Hill, which had stood untouched by -painter, carpenter, or bricklayer, for a century, had been pulled -down in my absence; and that a neighbouring street, of -time-honoured insalubrity and inconvenience, was being drained and -widened; I half expected to find St. Paul's Cathedral looking -older. - -For some changes in the fortunes of my friends, I was prepared. My -aunt had long been re-established at Dover, and Traddles had begun -to get into some little practice at the Bar, in the very first term -after my departure. He had chambers in Gray's Inn, now; and had -told me, in his last letters, that he was not without hopes of -being soon united to the dearest girl in the world. - -They expected me home before Christmas; but had no idea of my -returning so soon. I had purposely misled them, that I might have -the pleasure of taking them by surprise. And yet, I was perverse -enough to feel a chill and disappointment in receiving no welcome, -and rattling, alone and silent, through the misty streets. - -The well-known shops, however, with their cheerful lights, did -something for me; and when I alighted at the door of the Gray's Inn -Coffee-house, I had recovered my spirits. It recalled, at first, -that so-different time when I had put up at the Golden Cross, and -reminded me of the changes that had come to pass since then; but -that was natural. - -'Do you know where Mr. Traddles lives in the Inn?' I asked the -waiter, as I warmed myself by the coffee-room fire. - -'Holborn Court, sir. Number two.' - -'Mr. Traddles has a rising reputation among the lawyers, I -believe?' said I. - -'Well, sir,' returned the waiter, 'probably he has, sir; but I am -not aware of it myself.' - -This waiter, who was middle-aged and spare, looked for help to a -waiter of more authority - a stout, potential old man, with a -double chin, in black breeches and stockings, who came out of a -place like a churchwarden's pew, at the end of the coffee-room, -where he kept company with a cash-box, a Directory, a Law-list, and -other books and papers. - -'Mr. Traddles,' said the spare waiter. 'Number two in the Court.' - -The potential waiter waved him away, and turned, gravely, to me. - -'I was inquiring,' said I, 'whether Mr. Traddles, at number two in -the Court, has not a rising reputation among the lawyers?' - -'Never heard his name,' said the waiter, in a rich husky voice. - -I felt quite apologetic for Traddles. - -'He's a young man, sure?' said the portentous waiter, fixing his -eyes severely on me. 'How long has he been in the Inn?' - -'Not above three years,' said I. - -The waiter, who I supposed had lived in his churchwarden's pew for -forty years, could not pursue such an insignificant subject. He -asked me what I would have for dinner? - -I felt I was in England again, and really was quite cast down on -Traddles's account. There seemed to be no hope for him. I meekly -ordered a bit of fish and a steak, and stood before the fire musing -on his obscurity. - -As I followed the chief waiter with my eyes, I could not help -thinking that the garden in which he had gradually blown to be the -flower he was, was an arduous place to rise in. It had such a -prescriptive, stiff-necked, long-established, solemn, elderly air. -I glanced about the room, which had had its sanded floor sanded, no -doubt, in exactly the same manner when the chief waiter was a boy -- if he ever was a boy, which appeared improbable; and at the -shining tables, where I saw myself reflected, in unruffled depths -of old mahogany; and at the lamps, without a flaw in their trimming -or cleaning; and at the comfortable green curtains, with their pure -brass rods, snugly enclosing the boxes; and at the two large coal -fires, brightly burning; and at the rows of decanters, burly as if -with the consciousness of pipes of expensive old port wine below; -and both England, and the law, appeared to me to be very difficult -indeed to be taken by storm. I went up to my bedroom to change my -wet clothes; and the vast extent of that old wainscoted apartment -(which was over the archway leading to the Inn, I remember), and -the sedate immensity of the four-post bedstead, and the indomitable -gravity of the chests of drawers, all seemed to unite in sternly -frowning on the fortunes of Traddles, or on any such daring youth. -I came down again to my dinner; and even the slow comfort of the -meal, and the orderly silence of the place - which was bare of -guests, the Long Vacation not yet being over - were eloquent on the -audacity of Traddles, and his small hopes of a livelihood for -twenty years to come. - -I had seen nothing like this since I went away, and it quite dashed -my hopes for my friend. The chief waiter had had enough of me. He -came near me no more; but devoted himself to an old gentleman in -long gaiters, to meet whom a pint of special port seemed to come -out of the cellar of its own accord, for he gave no order. The -second waiter informed me, in a whisper, that this old gentleman -was a retired conveyancer living in the Square, and worth a mint of -money, which it was expected he would leave to his laundress's -daughter; likewise that it was rumoured that he had a service of -plate in a bureau, all tarnished with lying by, though more than -one spoon and a fork had never yet been beheld in his chambers by -mortal vision. By this time, I quite gave Traddles up for lost; -and settled in my own mind that there was no hope for him. - -Being very anxious to see the dear old fellow, nevertheless, I -dispatched my dinner, in a manner not at all calculated to raise me -in the opinion of the chief waiter, and hurried out by the back -way. Number two in the Court was soon reached; and an inscription -on the door-post informing me that Mr. Traddles occupied a set of -chambers on the top storey, I ascended the staircase. A crazy old -staircase I found it to be, feebly lighted on each landing by a -club- headed little oil wick, dying away in a little dungeon of -dirty glass. - -In the course of my stumbling upstairs, I fancied I heard a -pleasant sound of laughter; and not the laughter of an attorney or -barrister, or attorney's clerk or barrister's clerk, but of two or -three merry girls. Happening, however, as I stopped to listen, to -put my foot in a hole where the Honourable Society of Gray's Inn -had left a plank deficient, I fell down with some noise, and when -I recovered my footing all was silent. - -Groping my way more carefully, for the rest of the journey, my -heart beat high when I found the outer door, which had Mr. TRADDLES -painted on it, open. I knocked. A considerable scuffling within -ensued, but nothing else. I therefore knocked again. - -A small sharp-looking lad, half-footboy and half-clerk, who was -very much out of breath, but who looked at me as if he defied me to -prove it legally, presented himself. - -'Is Mr. Traddles within?' I said. - -'Yes, sir, but he's engaged.' - -'I want to see him.' - -After a moment's survey of me, the sharp-looking lad decided to let -me in; and opening the door wider for that purpose, admitted me, -first, into a little closet of a hall, and next into a little -sitting-room; where I came into the presence of my old friend (also -out of breath), seated at a table, and bending over papers. - -'Good God!' cried Traddles, looking up. 'It's Copperfield!' and -rushed into my arms, where I held him tight. - -'All well, my dear Traddles?' - -'All well, my dear, dear Copperfield, and nothing but good news!' - -We cried with pleasure, both of us. - -'My dear fellow,' said Traddles, rumpling his hair in his -excitement, which was a most unnecessary operation, 'my dearest -Copperfield, my long-lost and most welcome friend, how glad I am to -see you! How brown you are! How glad I am! Upon my life and honour, -I never was so rejoiced, my beloved Copperfield, never!' - -I was equally at a loss to express my emotions. I was quite unable -to speak, at first. - -'My dear fellow!' said Traddles. 'And grown so famous! My glorious -Copperfield! Good gracious me, WHEN did you come, WHERE have you -come from, WHAT have you been doing?' - -Never pausing for an answer to anything he said, Traddles, who had -clapped me into an easy-chair by the fire, all this time -impetuously stirred the fire with one hand, and pulled at my -neck-kerchief with the other, under some wild delusion that it was -a great-coat. Without putting down the poker, he now hugged me -again; and I hugged him; and, both laughing, and both wiping our -eyes, we both sat down, and shook hands across the hearth. - -'To think,' said Traddles, 'that you should have been so nearly -coming home as you must have been, my dear old boy, and not at the -ceremony!' - -'What ceremony, my dear Traddles?' - -'Good gracious me!' cried Traddles, opening his eyes in his old -way. 'Didn't you get my last letter?' - -'Certainly not, if it referred to any ceremony.' - -'Why, my dear Copperfield,' said Traddles, sticking his hair -upright with both hands, and then putting his hands on my knees, 'I -am married!' - -'Married!' I cried joyfully. - -'Lord bless me, yes!' said Traddles - 'by the Reverend Horace - to -Sophy - down in Devonshire. Why, my dear boy, she's behind the -window curtain! Look here!' - -To my amazement, the dearest girl in the world came at that same -instant, laughing and blushing, from her place of concealment. And -a more cheerful, amiable, honest, happy, bright-looking bride, I -believe (as I could not help saying on the spot) the world never -saw. I kissed her as an old acquaintance should, and wished them -joy with all my might of heart. - -'Dear me,' said Traddles, 'what a delightful re-union this is! You -are so extremely brown, my dear Copperfield! God bless my soul, how -happy I am!' - -'And so am I,' said I. - -'And I am sure I am!' said the blushing and laughing Sophy. - -'We are all as happy as possible!' said Traddles. 'Even the girls -are happy. Dear me, I declare I forgot them!' - -'Forgot?' said I. - -'The girls,' said Traddles. 'Sophy's sisters. They are staying -with us. They have come to have a peep at London. The fact is, -when - was it you that tumbled upstairs, Copperfield?' - -'It was,' said I, laughing. - -'Well then, when you tumbled upstairs,' said Traddles, 'I was -romping with the girls. In point of fact, we were playing at Puss -in the Corner. But as that wouldn't do in Westminster Hall, and as -it wouldn't look quite professional if they were seen by a client, -they decamped. And they are now - listening, I have no doubt,' -said Traddles, glancing at the door of another room. - -'I am sorry,' said I, laughing afresh, 'to have occasioned such a -dispersion.' - -'Upon my word,' rejoined Traddles, greatly delighted, 'if you had -seen them running away, and running back again, after you had -knocked, to pick up the combs they had dropped out of their hair, -and going on in the maddest manner, you wouldn't have said so. My -love, will you fetch the girls?' - -Sophy tripped away, and we heard her received in the adjoining room -with a peal of laughter. - -'Really musical, isn't it, my dear Copperfield?' said Traddles. -'It's very agreeable to hear. It quite lights up these old rooms. -To an unfortunate bachelor of a fellow who has lived alone all his -life, you know, it's positively delicious. It's charming. Poor -things, they have had a great loss in Sophy - who, I do assure you, -Copperfield is, and ever was, the dearest girl! - and it gratifies -me beyond expression to find them in such good spirits. The -society of girls is a very delightful thing, Copperfield. It's not -professional, but it's very delightful.' - -Observing that he slightly faltered, and comprehending that in the -goodness of his heart he was fearful of giving me some pain by what -he had said, I expressed my concurrence with a heartiness that -evidently relieved and pleased him greatly. - -'But then,' said Traddles, 'our domestic arrangements are, to say -the truth, quite unprofessional altogether, my dear Copperfield. -Even Sophy's being here, is unprofessional. And we have no other -place of abode. We have put to sea in a cockboat, but we are quite -prepared to rough it. And Sophy's an extraordinary manager! You'll -be surprised how those girls are stowed away. I am sure I hardly -know how it's done!' - -'Are many of the young ladies with you?' I inquired. - -'The eldest, the Beauty is here,' said Traddles, in a low -confidential voice, 'Caroline. And Sarah's here - the one I -mentioned to you as having something the matter with her spine, you -know. Immensely better! And the two youngest that Sophy educated -are with us. And Louisa's here.' - -'Indeed!' cried I. - -'Yes,' said Traddles. 'Now the whole set - I mean the chambers - -is only three rooms; but Sophy arranges for the girls in the most -wonderful way, and they sleep as comfortably as possible. Three in -that room,' said Traddles, pointing. 'Two in that.' - -I could not help glancing round, in search of the accommodation -remaining for Mr. and Mrs. Traddles. Traddles understood me. - -'Well!' said Traddles, 'we are prepared to rough it, as I said just -now, and we did improvise a bed last week, upon the floor here. -But there's a little room in the roof - a very nice room, when -you're up there - which Sophy papered herself, to surprise me; and -that's our room at present. It's a capital little gipsy sort of -place. There's quite a view from it.' - -'And you are happily married at last, my dear Traddles!' said I. -'How rejoiced I am!' - -'Thank you, my dear Copperfield,' said Traddles, as we shook hands -once more. 'Yes, I am as happy as it's possible to be. There's -your old friend, you see,' said Traddles, nodding triumphantly at -the flower-pot and stand; 'and there's the table with the marble -top! All the other furniture is plain and serviceable, you -perceive. And as to plate, Lord bless you, we haven't so much as -a tea-spoon.' - -'All to be earned?' said I, cheerfully. - -'Exactly so,' replied Traddles, 'all to be earned. Of course we -have something in the shape of tea-spoons, because we stir our tea. -But they're Britannia metal.' - -'The silver will be the brighter when it comes,' said I. - -'The very thing we say!' cried Traddles. 'You see, my dear -Copperfield,' falling again into the low confidential tone, 'after -I had delivered my argument in DOE dem. JIPES versus WIGZIELL, -which did me great service with the profession, I went down into -Devonshire, and had some serious conversation in private with the -Reverend Horace. I dwelt upon the fact that Sophy - who I do -assure you, Copperfield, is the dearest girl! -' - -'I am certain she is!' said I. - -'She is, indeed!' rejoined Traddles. 'But I am afraid I am -wandering from the subject. Did I mention the Reverend Horace?' - -'You said that you dwelt upon the fact -' - -'True! Upon the fact that Sophy and I had been engaged for a long -period, and that Sophy, with the permission of her parents, was -more than content to take me - in short,' said Traddles, with his -old frank smile, 'on our present Britannia-metal footing. Very -well. I then proposed to the Reverend Horace - who is a most -excellent clergyman, Copperfield, and ought to be a Bishop; or at -least ought to have enough to live upon, without pinching himself -- that if I could turn the corner, say of two hundred and fifty -pounds, in one year; and could see my way pretty clearly to that, -or something better, next year; and could plainly furnish a little -place like this, besides; then, and in that case, Sophy and I -should be united. I took the liberty of representing that we had -been patient for a good many years; and that the circumstance of -Sophy's being extraordinarily useful at home, ought not to operate -with her affectionate parents, against her establishment in life - -don't you see?' - -'Certainly it ought not,' said I. - -'I am glad you think so, Copperfield,' rejoined Traddles, 'because, -without any imputation on the Reverend Horace, I do think parents, -and brothers, and so forth, are sometimes rather selfish in such -cases. Well! I also pointed out, that my most earnest desire was, -to be useful to the family; and that if I got on in the world, and -anything should happen to him - I refer to the Reverend Horace -' - -'I understand,' said I. - -'- Or to Mrs. Crewler - it would be the utmost gratification of my -wishes, to be a parent to the girls. He replied in a most -admirable manner, exceedingly flattering to my feelings, and -undertook to obtain the consent of Mrs. Crewler to this -arrangement. They had a dreadful time of it with her. It mounted -from her legs into her chest, and then into her head -' - -'What mounted?' I asked. - -'Her grief,' replied Traddles, with a serious look. 'Her feelings -generally. As I mentioned on a former occasion, she is a very -superior woman, but has lost the use of her limbs. Whatever occurs -to harass her, usually settles in her legs; but on this occasion it -mounted to the chest, and then to the head, and, in short, pervaded -the whole system in a most alarming manner. However, they brought -her through it by unremitting and affectionate attention; and we -were married yesterday six weeks. You have no idea what a Monster -I felt, Copperfield, when I saw the whole family crying and -fainting away in every direction! Mrs. Crewler couldn't see me -before we left - couldn't forgive me, then, for depriving her of -her child - but she is a good creature, and has done so since. I -had a delightful letter from her, only this morning.' - -'And in short, my dear friend,' said I, 'you feel as blest as you -deserve to feel!' - -'Oh! That's your partiality!' laughed Traddles. 'But, indeed, I am -in a most enviable state. I work hard, and read Law insatiably. -I get up at five every morning, and don't mind it at all. I hide -the girls in the daytime, and make merry with them in the evening. -And I assure you I am quite sorry that they are going home on -Tuesday, which is the day before the first day of Michaelmas Term. -But here,' said Traddles, breaking off in his confidence, and -speaking aloud, 'ARE the girls! Mr. Copperfield, Miss Crewler - -Miss Sarah - Miss Louisa - Margaret and Lucy!' - -They were a perfect nest of roses; they looked so wholesome and -fresh. They were all pretty, and Miss Caroline was very handsome; -but there was a loving, cheerful, fireside quality in Sophy's -bright looks, which was better than that, and which assured me that -my friend had chosen well. We all sat round the fire; while the -sharp boy, who I now divined had lost his breath in putting the -papers out, cleared them away again, and produced the tea-things. -After that, he retired for the night, shutting the outer door upon -us with a bang. Mrs. Traddles, with perfect pleasure and composure -beaming from her household eyes, having made the tea, then quietly -made the toast as she sat in a corner by the fire. - -She had seen Agnes, she told me while she was toasting. 'Tom' had -taken her down into Kent for a wedding trip, and there she had seen -my aunt, too; and both my aunt and Agnes were well, and they had -all talked of nothing but me. 'Tom' had never had me out of his -thoughts, she really believed, all the time I had been away. 'Tom' -was the authority for everything. 'Tom' was evidently the idol of -her life; never to be shaken on his pedestal by any commotion; -always to be believed in, and done homage to with the whole faith -of her heart, come what might. - -The deference which both she and Traddles showed towards the -Beauty, pleased me very much. I don't know that I thought it very -reasonable; but I thought it very delightful, and essentially a -part of their character. If Traddles ever for an instant missed -the tea-spoons that were still to be won, I have no doubt it was -when he handed the Beauty her tea. If his sweet-tempered wife -could have got up any self-assertion against anyone, I am satisfied -it could only have been because she was the Beauty's sister. A few -slight indications of a rather petted and capricious manner, which -I observed in the Beauty, were manifestly considered, by Traddles -and his wife, as her birthright and natural endowment. If she had -been born a Queen Bee, and they labouring Bees, they could not have -been more satisfied of that. - -But their self-forgetfulness charmed me. Their pride in these -girls, and their submission of themselves to all their whims, was -the pleasantest little testimony to their own worth I could have -desired to see. If Traddles were addressed as 'a darling', once in -the course of that evening; and besought to bring something here, -or carry something there, or take something up, or put something -down, or find something, or fetch something, he was so addressed, -by one or other of his sisters-in-law, at least twelve times in an -hour. Neither could they do anything without Sophy. Somebody's -hair fell down, and nobody but Sophy could put it up. Somebody -forgot how a particular tune went, and nobody but Sophy could hum -that tune right. Somebody wanted to recall the name of a place in -Devonshire, and only Sophy knew it. Something was wanted to be -written home, and Sophy alone could be trusted to write before -breakfast in the morning. Somebody broke down in a piece of -knitting, and no one but Sophy was able to put the defaulter in the -right direction. They were entire mistresses of the place, and -Sophy and Traddles waited on them. How many children Sophy could -have taken care of in her time, I can't imagine; but she seemed to -be famous for knowing every sort of song that ever was addressed to -a child in the English tongue; and she sang dozens to order with -the clearest little voice in the world, one after another (every -sister issuing directions for a different tune, and the Beauty -generally striking in last), so that I was quite fascinated. The -best of all was, that, in the midst of their exactions, all the -sisters had a great tenderness and respect both for Sophy and -Traddles. I am sure, when I took my leave, and Traddles was coming -out to walk with me to the coffee-house, I thought I had never seen -an obstinate head of hair, or any other head of hair, rolling about -in such a shower of kisses. - -Altogether, it was a scene I could not help dwelling on with -pleasure, for a long time after I got back and had wished Traddles -good night. If I had beheld a thousand roses blowing in a top set -of chambers, in that withered Gray's Inn, they could not have -brightened it half so much. The idea of those Devonshire girls, -among the dry law-stationers and the attorneys' offices; and of the -tea and toast, and children's songs, in that grim atmosphere of -pounce and parchment, red-tape, dusty wafers, ink-jars, brief and -draft paper, law reports, writs, declarations, and bills of costs; -seemed almost as pleasantly fanciful as if I had dreamed that the -Sultan's famous family had been admitted on the roll of attorneys, -and had brought the talking bird, the singing tree, and the golden -water into Gray's Inn Hall. Somehow, I found that I had taken -leave of Traddles for the night, and come back to the coffee-house, -with a great change in my despondency about him. I began to think -he would get on, in spite of all the many orders of chief waiters -in England. - -Drawing a chair before one of the coffee-room fires to think about -him at my leisure, I gradually fell from the consideration of his -happiness to tracing prospects in the live-coals, and to thinking, -as they broke and changed, of the principal vicissitudes and -separations that had marked my life. I had not seen a coal fire, -since I had left England three years ago: though many a wood fire -had I watched, as it crumbled into hoary ashes, and mingled with -the feathery heap upon the hearth, which not inaptly figured to me, -in my despondency, my own dead hopes. - -I could think of the past now, gravely, but not bitterly; and could -contemplate the future in a brave spirit. Home, in its best sense, -was for me no more. She in whom I might have inspired a dearer -love, I had taught to be my sister. She would marry, and would -have new claimants on her tenderness; and in doing it, would never -know the love for her that had grown up in my heart. It was right -that I should pay the forfeit of my headlong passion. What I -reaped, I had sown. - -I was thinking. And had I truly disciplined my heart to this, and -could I resolutely bear it, and calmly hold the place in her home -which she had calmly held in mine, - when I found my eyes resting -on a countenance that might have arisen out of the fire, in its -association with my early remembrances. - -Little Mr. Chillip the Doctor, to whose good offices I was indebted -in the very first chapter of this history, sat reading a newspaper -in the shadow of an opposite corner. He was tolerably stricken in -years by this time; but, being a mild, meek, calm little man, had -worn so easily, that I thought he looked at that moment just as he -might have looked when he sat in our parlour, waiting for me to be -born. - -Mr. Chillip had left Blunderstone six or seven years ago, and I had -never seen him since. He sat placidly perusing the newspaper, with -his little head on one side, and a glass of warm sherry negus at -his elbow. He was so extremely conciliatory in his manner that he -seemed to apologize to the very newspaper for taking the liberty of -reading it. - -I walked up to where he was sitting, and said, 'How do you do, Mr. -Chillip?' - -He was greatly fluttered by this unexpected address from a -stranger, and replied, in his slow way, 'I thank you, sir, you are -very good. Thank you, sir. I hope YOU are well.' - -'You don't remember me?' said I. - -'Well, sir,' returned Mr. Chillip, smiling very meekly, and shaking -his head as he surveyed me, 'I have a kind of an impression that -something in your countenance is familiar to me, sir; but I -couldn't lay my hand upon your name, really.' - -'And yet you knew it, long before I knew it myself,' I returned. - -'Did I indeed, sir?' said Mr. Chillip. 'Is it possible that I had -the honour, sir, of officiating when -?' - -'Yes,' said I. - -'Dear me!' cried Mr. Chillip. 'But no doubt you are a good deal -changed since then, sir?' - -'Probably,' said I. - -'Well, sir,' observed Mr. Chillip, 'I hope you'll excuse me, if I -am compelled to ask the favour of your name?' - -On my telling him my name, he was really moved. He quite shook -hands with me - which was a violent proceeding for him, his usual -course being to slide a tepid little fish-slice, an inch or two in -advance of his hip, and evince the greatest discomposure when -anybody grappled with it. Even now, he put his hand in his -coat-pocket as soon as he could disengage it, and seemed relieved -when he had got it safe back. - -'Dear me, sir!' said Mr. Chillip, surveying me with his head on one -side. 'And it's Mr. Copperfield, is it? Well, sir, I think I -should have known you, if I had taken the liberty of looking more -closely at you. There's a strong resemblance between you and your -poor father, sir.' - -'I never had the happiness of seeing my father,' I observed. - -'Very true, sir,' said Mr. Chillip, in a soothing tone. 'And very -much to be deplored it was, on all accounts! We are not ignorant, -sir,' said Mr. Chillip, slowly shaking his little head again, 'down -in our part of the country, of your fame. There must be great -excitement here, sir,' said Mr. Chillip, tapping himself on the -forehead with his forefinger. 'You must find it a trying -occupation, sir!' - -'What is your part of the country now?' I asked, seating myself -near him. - -'I am established within a few miles of Bury St. Edmund's, sir,' -said Mr. Chillip. 'Mrs. Chillip, coming into a little property in -that neighbourhood, under her father's will, I bought a practice -down there, in which you will be glad to hear I am doing well. My -daughter is growing quite a tall lass now, sir,' said Mr. Chillip, -giving his little head another little shake. 'Her mother let down -two tucks in her frocks only last week. Such is time, you see, -sir!' - -As the little man put his now empty glass to his lips, when he made -this reflection, I proposed to him to have it refilled, and I would -keep him company with another. 'Well, sir,' he returned, in his -slow way, 'it's more than I am accustomed to; but I can't deny -myself the pleasure of your conversation. It seems but yesterday -that I had the honour of attending you in the measles. You came -through them charmingly, sir!' - -I acknowledged this compliment, and ordered the negus, which was -soon produced. 'Quite an uncommon dissipation!' said Mr. Chillip, -stirring it, 'but I can't resist so extraordinary an occasion. You -have no family, sir?' - -I shook my head. - -'I was aware that you sustained a bereavement, sir, some time ago,' -said Mr. Chillip. 'I heard it from your father-in-law's sister. -Very decided character there, sir?' - -'Why, yes,' said I, 'decided enough. Where did you see her, Mr. -Chillip?' - -'Are you not aware, sir,' returned Mr. Chillip, with his placidest -smile, 'that your father-in-law is again a neighbour of mine?' - -'No,' said I. - -'He is indeed, sir!' said Mr. Chillip. 'Married a young lady of -that part, with a very good little property, poor thing. - And -this action of the brain now, sir? Don't you find it fatigue you?' -said Mr. Chillip, looking at me like an admiring Robin. - -I waived that question, and returned to the Murdstones. 'I was -aware of his being married again. Do you attend the family?' I -asked. - -'Not regularly. I have been called in,' he replied. 'Strong -phrenological developments of the organ of firmness, in Mr. -Murdstone and his sister, sir.' - -I replied with such an expressive look, that Mr. Chillip was -emboldened by that, and the negus together, to give his head -several short shakes, and thoughtfully exclaim, 'Ah, dear me! We -remember old times, Mr. Copperfield!' - -'And the brother and sister are pursuing their old course, are -they?' said I. - -'Well, sir,' replied Mr. Chillip, 'a medical man, being so much in -families, ought to have neither eyes nor ears for anything but his -profession. Still, I must say, they are very severe, sir: both as -to this life and the next.' - -'The next will be regulated without much reference to them, I dare -say,' I returned: 'what are they doing as to this?' - -Mr. Chillip shook his head, stirred his negus, and sipped it. - -'She was a charming woman, sir!' he observed in a plaintive manner. - -'The present Mrs. Murdstone?' - -A charming woman indeed, sir,' said Mr. Chillip; 'as amiable, I am -sure, as it was possible to be! Mrs. Chillip's opinion is, that her -spirit has been entirely broken since her marriage, and that she is -all but melancholy mad. And the ladies,' observed Mr. Chillip, -timorously, 'are great observers, sir.' - -'I suppose she was to be subdued and broken to their detestable -mould, Heaven help her!' said I. 'And she has been.' - -'Well, sir, there were violent quarrels at first, I assure you,' -said Mr. Chillip; 'but she is quite a shadow now. Would it be -considered forward if I was to say to you, sir, in confidence, that -since the sister came to help, the brother and sister between them -have nearly reduced her to a state of imbecility?' - -I told him I could easily believe it. - -'I have no hesitation in saying,' said Mr. Chillip, fortifying -himself with another sip of negus, 'between you and me, sir, that -her mother died of it - or that tyranny, gloom, and worry have made -Mrs. Murdstone nearly imbecile. She was a lively young woman, sir, -before marriage, and their gloom and austerity destroyed her. They -go about with her, now, more like her keepers than her husband and -sister-in-law. That was Mrs. Chillip's remark to me, only last -week. And I assure you, sir, the ladies are great observers. Mrs. -Chillip herself is a great observer!' - -'Does he gloomily profess to be (I am ashamed to use the word in -such association) religious still?' I inquired. - -'You anticipate, sir,' said Mr. Chillip, his eyelids getting quite -red with the unwonted stimulus in which he was indulging. 'One of -Mrs. Chillip's most impressive remarks. Mrs. Chillip,' he -proceeded, in the calmest and slowest manner, 'quite electrified -me, by pointing out that Mr. Murdstone sets up an image of himself, -and calls it the Divine Nature. You might have knocked me down on -the flat of my back, sir, with the feather of a pen, I assure you, -when Mrs. Chillip said so. The ladies are great observers, sir?' - -'Intuitively,' said I, to his extreme delight. - -'I am very happy to receive such support in my opinion, sir,' he -rejoined. 'It is not often that I venture to give a non-medical -opinion, I assure you. Mr. Murdstone delivers public addresses -sometimes, and it is said, - in short, sir, it is said by Mrs. -Chillip, - that the darker tyrant he has lately been, the more -ferocious is his doctrine.' - -'I believe Mrs. Chillip to be perfectly right,' said I. - -'Mrs. Chillip does go so far as to say,' pursued the meekest of -little men, much encouraged, 'that what such people miscall their -religion, is a vent for their bad humours and arrogance. And do -you know I must say, sir,' he continued, mildly laying his head on -one side, 'that I DON'T find authority for Mr. and Miss Murdstone -in the New Testament?' - -'I never found it either!' said I. - -'In the meantime, sir,' said Mr. Chillip, 'they are much disliked; -and as they are very free in consigning everybody who dislikes them -to perdition, we really have a good deal of perdition going on in -our neighbourhood! However, as Mrs. Chillip says, sir, they undergo -a continual punishment; for they are turned inward, to feed upon -their own hearts, and their own hearts are very bad feeding. Now, -sir, about that brain of yours, if you'll excuse my returning to -it. Don't you expose it to a good deal of excitement, sir?' - -I found it not difficult, in the excitement of Mr. Chillip's own -brain, under his potations of negus, to divert his attention from -this topic to his own affairs, on which, for the next half-hour, he -was quite loquacious; giving me to understand, among other pieces -of information, that he was then at the Gray's Inn Coffee-house to -lay his professional evidence before a Commission of Lunacy, -touching the state of mind of a patient who had become deranged -from excessive drinking. -'And I assure you, sir,' he said, 'I am extremely nervous on such -occasions. I could not support being what is called Bullied, sir. -It would quite unman me. Do you know it was some time before I -recovered the conduct of that alarming lady, on the night of your -birth, Mr. Copperfield?' - -I told him that I was going down to my aunt, the Dragon of that -night, early in the morning; and that she was one of the most -tender-hearted and excellent of women, as he would know full well -if he knew her better. The mere notion of the possibility of his -ever seeing her again, appeared to terrify him. He replied with a -small pale smile, 'Is she so, indeed, sir? Really?' and almost -immediately called for a candle, and went to bed, as if he were not -quite safe anywhere else. He did not actually stagger under the -negus; but I should think his placid little pulse must have made -two or three more beats in a minute, than it had done since the -great night of my aunt's disappointment, when she struck at him -with her bonnet. - -Thoroughly tired, I went to bed too, at midnight; passed the next -day on the Dover coach; burst safe and sound into my aunt's old -parlour while she was at tea (she wore spectacles now); and was -received by her, and Mr. Dick, and dear old Peggotty, who acted as -housekeeper, with open arms and tears of joy. My aunt was mightily -amused, when we began to talk composedly, by my account of my -meeting with Mr. Chillip, and of his holding her in such dread -remembrance; and both she and Peggotty had a great deal to say -about my poor mother's second husband, and 'that murdering woman of -a sister', - on whom I think no pain or penalty would have induced -my aunt to bestow any Christian or Proper Name, or any other -designation. - - - -CHAPTER 60 -AGNES - - -My aunt and I, when we were left alone, talked far into the night. -How the emigrants never wrote home, otherwise than cheerfully and -hopefully; how Mr. Micawber had actually remitted divers small sums -of money, on account of those 'pecuniary liabilities', in reference -to which he had been so business-like as between man and man; how -Janet, returning into my aunt's service when she came back to -Dover, had finally carried out her renunciation of mankind by -entering into wedlock with a thriving tavern-keeper; and how my -aunt had finally set her seal on the same great principle, by -aiding and abetting the bride, and crowning the marriage-ceremony -with her presence; were among our topics - already more or less -familiar to me through the letters I had had. Mr. Dick, as usual, -was not forgotten. My aunt informed me how he incessantly occupied -himself in copying everything he could lay his hands on, and kept -King Charles the First at a respectful distance by that semblance -of employment; how it was one of the main joys and rewards of her -life that he was free and happy, instead of pining in monotonous -restraint; and how (as a novel general conclusion) nobody but she -could ever fully know what he was. - -'And when, Trot,' said my aunt, patting the back of my hand, as we -sat in our old way before the fire, 'when are you going over to -Canterbury?' - -'I shall get a horse, and ride over tomorrow morning, aunt, unless -you will go with me?' - -'No!' said my aunt, in her short abrupt way. 'I mean to stay where -I am.' - -Then, I should ride, I said. I could not have come through -Canterbury today without stopping, if I had been coming to anyone -but her. - -She was pleased, but answered, 'Tut, Trot; MY old bones would have -kept till tomorrow!' and softly patted my hand again, as I sat -looking thoughtfully at the fire. - -Thoughtfully, for I could not be here once more, and so near Agnes, -without the revival of those regrets with which I had so long been -occupied. Softened regrets they might be, teaching me what I had -failed to learn when my younger life was all before me, but not the -less regrets. 'Oh, Trot,' I seemed to hear my aunt say once more; -and I understood her better now - 'Blind, blind, blind!' - -We both kept silence for some minutes. When I raised my eyes, I -found that she was steadily observant of me. Perhaps she had -followed the current of my mind; for it seemed to me an easy one to -track now, wilful as it had been once. - -'You will find her father a white-haired old man,' said my aunt, -'though a better man in all other respects - a reclaimed man. -Neither will you find him measuring all human interests, and joys, -and sorrows, with his one poor little inch-rule now. Trust me, -child, such things must shrink very much, before they can be -measured off in that way.' - -'Indeed they must,' said I. - -'You will find her,' pursued my aunt, 'as good, as beautiful, as -earnest, as disinterested, as she has always been. If I knew -higher praise, Trot, I would bestow it on her.' - -There was no higher praise for her; no higher reproach for me. Oh, -how had I strayed so far away! - -'If she trains the young girls whom she has about her, to be like -herself,' said my aunt, earnest even to the filling of her eyes -with tears, 'Heaven knows, her life will be well employed! Useful -and happy, as she said that day! How could she be otherwise than -useful and happy!' - -'Has Agnes any -' I was thinking aloud, rather than speaking. - -'Well? Hey? Any what?' said my aunt, sharply. - -'Any lover,' said I. - -'A score,' cried my aunt, with a kind of indignant pride. 'She -might have married twenty times, my dear, since you have been -gone!' - -'No doubt,' said I. 'No doubt. But has she any lover who is -worthy of her? Agnes could care for no other.' - -My aunt sat musing for a little while, with her chin upon her hand. -Slowly raising her eyes to mine, she said: - -'I suspect she has an attachment, Trot.' - -'A prosperous one?' said I. - -'Trot,' returned my aunt gravely, 'I can't say. I have no right to -tell you even so much. She has never confided it to me, but I -suspect it.' - -She looked so attentively and anxiously at me (I even saw her -tremble), that I felt now, more than ever, that she had followed my -late thoughts. I summoned all the resolutions I had made, in all -those many days and nights, and all those many conflicts of my -heart. - -'If it should be so,' I began, 'and I hope it is-' - -'I don't know that it is,' said my aunt curtly. 'You must not be -ruled by my suspicions. You must keep them secret. They are very -slight, perhaps. I have no right to speak.' - -'If it should be so,' I repeated, 'Agnes will tell me at her own -good time. A sister to whom I have confided so much, aunt, will -not be reluctant to confide in me.' - -My aunt withdrew her eyes from mine, as slowly as she had turned -them upon me; and covered them thoughtfully with her hand. By and -by she put her other hand on my shoulder; and so we both sat, -looking into the past, without saying another word, until we parted -for the night. - -I rode away, early in the morning, for the scene of my old -school-days. I cannot say that I was yet quite happy, in the hope -that I was gaining a victory over myself; even in the prospect of -so soon looking on her face again. - -The well-remembered ground was soon traversed, and I came into the -quiet streets, where every stone was a boy's book to me. I went on -foot to the old house, and went away with a heart too full to -enter. I returned; and looking, as I passed, through the low -window of the turret-room where first Uriah Heep, and afterwards -Mr. Micawber, had been wont to sit, saw that it was a little -parlour now, and that there was no office. Otherwise the staid old -house was, as to its cleanliness and order, still just as it had -been when I first saw it. I requested the new maid who admitted -me, to tell Miss Wickfield that a gentleman who waited on her from -a friend abroad, was there; and I was shown up the grave old -staircase (cautioned of the steps I knew so well), into the -unchanged drawing-room. The books that Agnes and I had read -together, were on their shelves; and the desk where I had laboured -at my lessons, many a night, stood yet at the same old corner of -the table. All the little changes that had crept in when the Heeps -were there, were changed again. Everything was as it used to be, -in the happy time. - -I stood in a window, and looked across the ancient street at the -opposite houses, recalling how I had watched them on wet -afternoons, when I first came there; and how I had used to -speculate about the people who appeared at any of the windows, and -had followed them with my eyes up and down stairs, while women went -clicking along the pavement in pattens, and the dull rain fell in -slanting lines, and poured out of the water-spout yonder, and -flowed into the road. The feeling with which I used to watch the -tramps, as they came into the town on those wet evenings, at dusk, -and limped past, with their bundles drooping over their shoulders -at the ends of sticks, came freshly back to me; fraught, as then, -with the smell of damp earth, and wet leaves and briar, and the -sensation of the very airs that blew upon me in my own toilsome -journey. - -The opening of the little door in the panelled wall made me start -and turn. Her beautiful serene eyes met mine as she came towards -me. She stopped and laid her hand upon her bosom, and I caught her -in my arms. - -'Agnes! my dear girl! I have come too suddenly upon you.' - -'No, no! I am so rejoiced to see you, Trotwood!' - -'Dear Agnes, the happiness it is to me, to see you once again!' - -I folded her to my heart, and, for a little while, we were both -silent. Presently we sat down, side by side; and her angel-face -was turned upon me with the welcome I had dreamed of, waking and -sleeping, for whole years. - -She was so true, she was so beautiful, she was so good, - I owed -her so much gratitude, she was so dear to me, that I could find no -utterance for what I felt. I tried to bless her, tried to thank -her, tried to tell her (as I had often done in letters) what an -influence she had upon me; but all my efforts were in vain. My -love and joy were dumb. - -With her own sweet tranquillity, she calmed my agitation; led me -back to the time of our parting; spoke to me of Emily, whom she had -visited, in secret, many times; spoke to me tenderly of Dora's -grave. With the unerring instinct of her noble heart, she touched -the chords of my memory so softly and harmoniously, that not one -jarred within me; I could listen to the sorrowful, distant music, -and desire to shrink from nothing it awoke. How could I, when, -blended with it all, was her dear self, the better angel of my -life? - -'And you, Agnes,' I said, by and by. 'Tell me of yourself. You -have hardly ever told me of your own life, in all this lapse of -time!' - -'What should I tell?' she answered, with her radiant smile. 'Papa -is well. You see us here, quiet in our own home; our anxieties set -at rest, our home restored to us; and knowing that, dear Trotwood, -you know all.' - -'All, Agnes?' said I. - -She looked at me, with some fluttering wonder in her face. - -'Is there nothing else, Sister?' I said. - -Her colour, which had just now faded, returned, and faded again. -She smiled; with a quiet sadness, I thought; and shook her head. - -I had sought to lead her to what my aunt had hinted at; for, -sharply painful to me as it must be to receive that confidence, I -was to discipline my heart, and do my duty to her. I saw, however, -that she was uneasy, and I let it pass. - -'You have much to do, dear Agnes?' - -'With my school?' said she, looking up again, in all her bright -composure. - -'Yes. It is laborious, is it not?' - -'The labour is so pleasant,' she returned, 'that it is scarcely -grateful in me to call it by that name.' - -'Nothing good is difficult to you,' said I. - -Her colour came and went once more; and once more, as she bent her -head, I saw the same sad smile. - -'You will wait and see papa,' said Agnes, cheerfully, 'and pass the -day with us? Perhaps you will sleep in your own room? We always -call it yours.' - -I could not do that, having promised to ride back to my aunt's at -night; but I would pass the day there, joyfully. - -'I must be a prisoner for a little while,' said Agnes, 'but here -are the old books, Trotwood, and the old music.' - -'Even the old flowers are here,' said I, looking round; 'or the old -kinds.' - -'I have found a pleasure,' returned Agnes, smiling, 'while you have -been absent, in keeping everything as it used to be when we were -children. For we were very happy then, I think.' - -'Heaven knows we were!' said I. - -'And every little thing that has reminded me of my brother,' said -Agnes, with her cordial eyes turned cheerfully upon me, 'has been -a welcome companion. Even this,' showing me the basket-trifle, -full of keys, still hanging at her side, 'seems to jingle a kind of -old tune!' - -She smiled again, and went out at the door by which she had come. - -It was for me to guard this sisterly affection with religious care. -It was all that I had left myself, and it was a treasure. If I -once shook the foundations of the sacred confidence and usage, in -virtue of which it was given to me, it was lost, and could never be -recovered. I set this steadily before myself. The better I loved -her, the more it behoved me never to forget it. - -I walked through the streets; and, once more seeing my old -adversary the butcher - now a constable, with his staff hanging up -in the shop - went down to look at the place where I had fought -him; and there meditated on Miss Shepherd and the eldest Miss -Larkins, and all the idle loves and likings, and dislikings, of -that time. Nothing seemed to have survived that time but Agnes; -and she, ever a star above me, was brighter and higher. - -When I returned, Mr. Wickfield had come home, from a garden he had, -a couple of miles or so out of town, where he now employed himself -almost every day. I found him as my aunt had described him. We -sat down to dinner, with some half-dozen little girls; and he -seemed but the shadow of his handsome picture on the wall. - -The tranquillity and peace belonging, of old, to that quiet ground -in my memory, pervaded it again. When dinner was done, Mr. -Wickfield taking no wine, and I desiring none, we went up-stairs; -where Agnes and her little charges sang and played, and worked. -After tea the children left us; and we three sat together, talking -of the bygone days. - -'My part in them,' said Mr. Wickfield, shaking his white head, 'has -much matter for regret - for deep regret, and deep contrition, -Trotwood, you well know. But I would not cancel it, if it were in -my power.' - -I could readily believe that, looking at the face beside him. - -'I should cancel with it,' he pursued, 'such patience and devotion, -such fidelity, such a child's love, as I must not forget, no! even -to forget myself.' - -'I understand you, sir,' I softly said. 'I hold it - I have always -held it - in veneration.' - -'But no one knows, not even you,' he returned, 'how much she has -done, how much she has undergone, how hard she has striven. Dear -Agnes!' - -She had put her hand entreatingly on his arm, to stop him; and was -very, very pale. - -'Well, well!' he said with a sigh, dismissing, as I then saw, some -trial she had borne, or was yet to bear, in connexion with what my -aunt had told me. 'Well! I have never told you, Trotwood, of her -mother. Has anyone?' - -'Never, sir.' - -'It's not much - though it was much to suffer. She married me in -opposition to her father's wish, and he renounced her. She prayed -him to forgive her, before my Agnes came into this world. He was -a very hard man, and her mother had long been dead. He repulsed -her. He broke her heart.' - -Agnes leaned upon his shoulder, and stole her arm about his neck. - -'She had an affectionate and gentle heart,' he said; 'and it was -broken. I knew its tender nature very well. No one could, if I -did not. She loved me dearly, but was never happy. She was always -labouring, in secret, under this distress; and being delicate and -downcast at the time of his last repulse - for it was not the -first, by many - pined away and died. She left me Agnes, two weeks -old; and the grey hair that you recollect me with, when you first -came.' He kissed Agnes on her cheek. - -'My love for my dear child was a diseased love, but my mind was all -unhealthy then. I say no more of that. I am not speaking of -myself, Trotwood, but of her mother, and of her. If I give you any -clue to what I am, or to what I have been, you will unravel it, I -know. What Agnes is, I need not say. I have always read something -of her poor mother's story, in her character; and so I tell it you -tonight, when we three are again together, after such great -changes. I have told it all.' - -His bowed head, and her angel-face and filial duty, derived a more -pathetic meaning from it than they had had before. If I had wanted -anything by which to mark this night of our re-union, I should have -found it in this. - -Agnes rose up from her father's side, before long; and going softly -to her piano, played some of the old airs to which we had often -listened in that place. - -'Have you any intention of going away again?' Agnes asked me, as I -was standing by. - -'What does my sister say to that?' - -'I hope not.' - -'Then I have no such intention, Agnes.' - -'I think you ought not, Trotwood, since you ask me,' she said, -mildly. 'Your growing reputation and success enlarge your power of -doing good; and if I could spare my brother,' with her eyes upon -me, 'perhaps the time could not.' - -'What I am, you have made me, Agnes. You should know best.' - -'I made you, Trotwood?' - -'Yes! Agnes, my dear girl!' I said, bending over her. 'I tried to -tell you, when we met today, something that has been in my thoughts -since Dora died. You remember, when you came down to me in our -little room - pointing upward, Agnes?' - -'Oh, Trotwood!' she returned, her eyes filled with tears. 'So -loving, so confiding, and so young! Can I ever forget?' - -'As you were then, my sister, I have often thought since, you have -ever been to me. Ever pointing upward, Agnes; ever leading me to -something better; ever directing me to higher things!' - -She only shook her head; through her tears I saw the same sad quiet -smile. - -'And I am so grateful to you for it, Agnes, so bound to you, that -there is no name for the affection of my heart. I want you to -know, yet don't know how to tell you, that all my life long I shall -look up to you, and be guided by you, as I have been through the -darkness that is past. Whatever betides, whatever new ties you may -form, whatever changes may come between us, I shall always look to -you, and love you, as I do now, and have always done. You will -always be my solace and resource, as you have always been. Until -I die, my dearest sister, I shall see you always before me, -pointing upward!' - -She put her hand in mine, and told me she was proud of me, and of -what I said; although I praised her very far beyond her worth. -Then she went on softly playing, but without removing her eyes from -me. -'Do you know, what I have heard tonight, Agnes,' said I, strangely -seems to be a part of the feeling with which I regarded you when I -saw you first - with which I sat beside you in my rough -school-days?' - -'You knew I had no mother,' she replied with a smile, 'and felt -kindly towards me.' - -'More than that, Agnes, I knew, almost as if I had known this -story, that there was something inexplicably gentle and softened, -surrounding you; something that might have been sorrowful in -someone else (as I can now understand it was), but was not so in -you.' - -She softly played on, looking at me still. - -'Will you laugh at my cherishing such fancies, Agnes?' - -'No!' - -'Or at my saying that I really believe I felt, even then, that you -could be faithfully affectionate against all discouragement, and -never cease to be so, until you ceased to live? - Will you laugh -at such a dream?' - -'Oh, no! Oh, no!' - -For an instant, a distressful shadow crossed her face; but, even in -the start it gave me, it was gone; and she was playing on, and -looking at me with her own calm smile. - -As I rode back in the lonely night, the wind going by me like a -restless memory, I thought of this, and feared she was not happy. -I was not happy; but, thus far, I had faithfully set the seal upon -the Past, and, thinking of her, pointing upward, thought of her as -pointing to that sky above me, where, in the mystery to come, I -might yet love her with a love unknown on earth, and tell her what -the strife had been within me when I loved her here. - - - -CHAPTER 61 -I AM SHOWN TWO INTERESTING PENITENTS - - -For a time - at all events until my book should be completed, which -would be the work of several months - I took up my abode in my -aunt's house at Dover; and there, sitting in the window from which -I had looked out at the moon upon the sea, when that roof first -gave me shelter, I quietly pursued my task. - -In pursuance of my intention of referring to my own fictions only -when their course should incidentally connect itself with the -progress of my story, I do not enter on the aspirations, the -delights, anxieties, and triumphs of my art. That I truly devoted -myself to it with my strongest earnestness, and bestowed upon it -every energy of my soul, I have already said. If the books I have -written be of any worth, they will supply the rest. I shall -otherwise have written to poor purpose, and the rest will be of -interest to no one. - -Occasionally, I went to London; to lose myself in the swarm of life -there, or to consult with Traddles on some business point. He had -managed for me, in my absence, with the soundest judgement; and my -worldly affairs were prospering. As my notoriety began to bring -upon me an enormous quantity of letters from people of whom I had -no knowledge - chiefly about nothing, and extremely difficult to -answer - I agreed with Traddles to have my name painted up on his -door. There, the devoted postman on that beat delivered bushels of -letters for me; and there, at intervals, I laboured through them, -like a Home Secretary of State without the salary. - -Among this correspondence, there dropped in, every now and then, an -obliging proposal from one of the numerous outsiders always lurking -about the Commons, to practise under cover of my name (if I would -take the necessary steps remaining to make a proctor of myself), -and pay me a percentage on the profits. But I declined these -offers; being already aware that there were plenty of such covert -practitioners in existence, and considering the Commons quite bad -enough, without my doing anything to make it worse. - -The girls had gone home, when my name burst into bloom on -Traddles's door; and the sharp boy looked, all day, as if he had -never heard of Sophy, shut up in a back room, glancing down from -her work into a sooty little strip of garden with a pump in it. -But there I always found her, the same bright housewife; often -humming her Devonshire ballads when no strange foot was coming up -the stairs, and blunting the sharp boy in his official closet with -melody. - -I wondered, at first, why I so often found Sophy writing in a -copy-book; and why she always shut it up when I appeared, and -hurried it into the table-drawer. But the secret soon came out. -One day, Traddles (who had just come home through the drizzling -sleet from Court) took a paper out of his desk, and asked me what -I thought of that handwriting? - -'Oh, DON'T, Tom!' cried Sophy, who was warming his slippers before -the fire. - -'My dear,' returned Tom, in a delighted state, 'why not? What do -you say to that writing, Copperfield?' - -'It's extraordinarily legal and formal,' said I. 'I don't think I -ever saw such a stiff hand.' - -'Not like a lady's hand, is it?' said Traddles. - -'A lady's!' I repeated. 'Bricks and mortar are more like a lady's -hand!' - -Traddles broke into a rapturous laugh, and informed me that it was -Sophy's writing; that Sophy had vowed and declared he would need a -copying-clerk soon, and she would be that clerk; that she had -acquired this hand from a pattern; and that she could throw off - -I forget how many folios an hour. Sophy was very much confused by -my being told all this, and said that when 'Tom' was made a judge -he wouldn't be so ready to proclaim it. Which 'Tom' denied; -averring that he should always be equally proud of it, under all -circumstances. - -'What a thoroughly good and charming wife she is, my dear -Traddles!' said I, when she had gone away, laughing. - -'My dear Copperfield,' returned Traddles, 'she is, without any -exception, the dearest girl! The way she manages this place; her -punctuality, domestic knowledge, economy, and order; her -cheerfulness, Copperfield!' - -'Indeed, you have reason to commend her!' I returned. 'You are a -happy fellow. I believe you make yourselves, and each other, two -of the happiest people in the world.' - -'I am sure we ARE two of the happiest people,' returned Traddles. -'I admit that, at all events. Bless my soul, when I see her -getting up by candle-light on these dark mornings, busying herself -in the day's arrangements, going out to market before the clerks -come into the Inn, caring for no weather, devising the most capital -little dinners out of the plainest materials, making puddings and -pies, keeping everything in its right place, always so neat and -ornamental herself, sitting up at night with me if it's ever so -late, sweet-tempered and encouraging always, and all for me, I -positively sometimes can't believe it, Copperfield!' - -He was tender of the very slippers she had been warming, as he put -them on, and stretched his feet enjoyingly upon the fender. - -'I positively sometimes can't believe it,' said Traddles. 'Then -our pleasures! Dear me, they are inexpensive, but they are quite -wonderful! When we are at home here, of an evening, and shut the -outer door, and draw those curtains - which she made - where could -we be more snug? When it's fine, and we go out for a walk in the -evening, the streets abound in enjoyment for us. We look into the -glittering windows of the jewellers' shops; and I show Sophy which -of the diamond-eyed serpents, coiled up on white satin rising -grounds, I would give her if I could afford it; and Sophy shows me -which of the gold watches that are capped and jewelled and -engine-turned, and possessed of the horizontal lever- -escape-movement, and all sorts of things, she would buy for me if -she could afford it; and we pick out the spoons and forks, -fish-slices, butter-knives, and sugar-tongs, we should both prefer -if we could both afford it; and really we go away as if we had got -them! Then, when we stroll into the squares, and great streets, and -see a house to let, sometimes we look up at it, and say, how would -THAT do, if I was made a judge? And we parcel it out - such a room -for us, such rooms for the girls, and so forth; until we settle to -our satisfaction that it would do, or it wouldn't do, as the case -may be. Sometimes, we go at half-price to the pit of the theatre -- the very smell of which is cheap, in my opinion, at the money - -and there we thoroughly enjoy the play: which Sophy believes every -word of, and so do I. In walking home, perhaps we buy a little bit -of something at a cook's-shop, or a little lobster at the -fishmongers, and bring it here, and make a splendid supper, -chatting about what we have seen. Now, you know, Copperfield, if -I was Lord Chancellor, we couldn't do this!' - -'You would do something, whatever you were, my dear Traddles,' -thought I, 'that would be pleasant and amiable. And by the way,' -I said aloud, 'I suppose you never draw any skeletons now?' - -'Really,' replied Traddles, laughing, and reddening, 'I can't -wholly deny that I do, my dear Copperfield. For being in one of -the back rows of the King's Bench the other day, with a pen in my -hand, the fancy came into my head to try how I had preserved that -accomplishment. And I am afraid there's a skeleton - in a wig - on -the ledge of the desk.' - -After we had both laughed heartily, Traddles wound up by looking -with a smile at the fire, and saying, in his forgiving way, 'Old -Creakle!' - -'I have a letter from that old - Rascal here,' said I. For I never -was less disposed to forgive him the way he used to batter -Traddles, than when I saw Traddles so ready to forgive him himself. - -'From Creakle the schoolmaster?' exclaimed Traddles. 'No!' - -'Among the persons who are attracted to me in my rising fame and -fortune,' said I, looking over my letters, 'and who discover that -they were always much attached to me, is the self-same Creakle. He -is not a schoolmaster now, Traddles. He is retired. He is a -Middlesex Magistrate.' - -I thought Traddles might be surprised to hear it, but he was not so -at all. - -'How do you suppose he comes to be a Middlesex Magistrate?' said I. - -'Oh dear me!' replied Traddles, 'it would be very difficult to -answer that question. Perhaps he voted for somebody, or lent money -to somebody, or bought something of somebody, or otherwise obliged -somebody, or jobbed for somebody, who knew somebody who got the -lieutenant of the county to nominate him for the commission.' - -'On the commission he is, at any rate,' said I. 'And he writes to -me here, that he will be glad to show me, in operation, the only -true system of prison discipline; the only unchallengeable way of -making sincere and lasting converts and penitents - which, you -know, is by solitary confinement. What do you say?' - -'To the system?' inquired Traddles, looking grave. - -'No. To my accepting the offer, and your going with me?' - -'I don't object,' said Traddles. - -'Then I'll write to say so. You remember (to say nothing of our -treatment) this same Creakle turning his son out of doors, I -suppose, and the life he used to lead his wife and daughter?' - -'Perfectly,' said Traddles. - -'Yet, if you'll read his letter, you'll find he is the tenderest of -men to prisoners convicted of the whole calendar of felonies,' said -I; 'though I can't find that his tenderness extends to any other -class of created beings.' - -Traddles shrugged his shoulders, and was not at all surprised. I -had not expected him to be, and was not surprised myself; or my -observation of similar practical satires would have been but -scanty. We arranged the time of our visit, and I wrote accordingly -to Mr. Creakle that evening. - -On the appointed day - I think it was the next day, but no matter -- Traddles and I repaired to the prison where Mr. Creakle was -powerful. It was an immense and solid building, erected at a vast -expense. I could not help thinking, as we approached the gate, -what an uproar would have been made in the country, if any deluded -man had proposed to spend one half the money it had cost, on the -erection of an industrial school for the young, or a house of -refuge for the deserving old. - -In an office that might have been on the ground-floor of the Tower -of Babel, it was so massively constructed, we were presented to our -old schoolmaster; who was one of a group, composed of two or three -of the busier sort of magistrates, and some visitors they had -brought. He received me, like a man who had formed my mind in -bygone years, and had always loved me tenderly. On my introducing -Traddles, Mr. Creakle expressed, in like manner, but in an inferior -degree, that he had always been Traddles's guide, philosopher, and -friend. Our venerable instructor was a great deal older, and not -improved in appearance. His face was as fiery as ever; his eyes -were as small, and rather deeper set. The scanty, wet-looking grey -hair, by which I remembered him, was almost gone; and the thick -veins in his bald head were none the more agreeable to look at. - -After some conversation among these gentlemen, from which I might -have supposed that there was nothing in the world to be -legitimately taken into account but the supreme comfort of -prisoners, at any expense, and nothing on the wide earth to be done -outside prison-doors, we began our inspection. It being then just -dinner-time, we went, first into the great kitchen, where every -prisoner's dinner was in course of being set out separately (to be -handed to him in his cell), with the regularity and precision of -clock-work. I said aside, to Traddles, that I wondered whether it -occurred to anybody, that there was a striking contrast between -these plentiful repasts of choice quality, and the dinners, not to -say of paupers, but of soldiers, sailors, labourers, the great bulk -of the honest, working community; of whom not one man in five -hundred ever dined half so well. But I learned that the 'system' -required high living; and, in short, to dispose of the system, once -for all, I found that on that head and on all others, 'the system' -put an end to all doubts, and disposed of all anomalies. Nobody -appeared to have the least idea that there was any other system, -but THE system, to be considered. - -As we were going through some of the magnificent passages, I -inquired of Mr. Creakle and his friends what were supposed to be -the main advantages of this all-governing and universally -over-riding system? I found them to be the perfect isolation of -prisoners - so that no one man in confinement there, knew anything -about another; and the reduction of prisoners to a wholesome state -of mind, leading to sincere contrition and repentance. - -Now, it struck me, when we began to visit individuals in their -cells, and to traverse the passages in which those cells were, and -to have the manner of the going to chapel and so forth, explained -to us, that there was a strong probability of the prisoners knowing -a good deal about each other, and of their carrying on a pretty -complete system of intercourse. This, at the time I write, has -been proved, I believe, to be the case; but, as it would have been -flat blasphemy against the system to have hinted such a doubt then, -I looked out for the penitence as diligently as I could. - -And here again, I had great misgivings. I found as prevalent a -fashion in the form of the penitence, as I had left outside in the -forms of the coats and waistcoats in the windows of the tailors' -shops. I found a vast amount of profession, varying very little in -character: varying very little (which I thought exceedingly -suspicious), even in words. I found a great many foxes, -disparaging whole vineyards of inaccessible grapes; but I found -very few foxes whom I would have trusted within reach of a bunch. -Above all, I found that the most professing men were the greatest -objects of interest; and that their conceit, their vanity, their -want of excitement, and their love of deception (which many of them -possessed to an almost incredible extent, as their histories -showed), all prompted to these professions, and were all gratified -by them. - -However, I heard so repeatedly, in the course of our goings to and -fro, of a certain Number Twenty Seven, who was the Favourite, and -who really appeared to be a Model Prisoner, that I resolved to -suspend my judgement until I should see Twenty Seven. Twenty -Eight, I understood, was also a bright particular star; but it was -his misfortune to have his glory a little dimmed by the -extraordinary lustre of Twenty Seven. I heard so much of Twenty -Seven, of his pious admonitions to everybody around him, and of the -beautiful letters he constantly wrote to his mother (whom he seemed -to consider in a very bad way), that I became quite impatient to -see him. - -I had to restrain my impatience for some time, on account of Twenty -Seven being reserved for a concluding effect. But, at last, we -came to the door of his cell; and Mr. Creakle, looking through a -little hole in it, reported to us, in a state of the greatest -admiration, that he was reading a Hymn Book. - -There was such a rush of heads immediately, to see Number Twenty -Seven reading his Hymn Book, that the little hole was blocked up, -six or seven heads deep. To remedy this inconvenience, and give us -an opportunity of conversing with Twenty Seven in all his purity, -Mr. Creakle directed the door of the cell to be unlocked, and -Twenty Seven to be invited out into the passage. This was done; -and whom should Traddles and I then behold, to our amazement, in -this converted Number Twenty Seven, but Uriah Heep! - -He knew us directly; and said, as he came out - with the old -writhe, - - -'How do you do, Mr. Copperfield? How do you do, Mr. Traddles?' - -This recognition caused a general admiration in the party. I -rather thought that everyone was struck by his not being proud, and -taking notice of us. - -'Well, Twenty Seven,' said Mr. Creakle, mournfully admiring him. -'How do you find yourself today?' - -'I am very umble, sir!' replied Uriah Heep. - -'You are always so, Twenty Seven,' said Mr. Creakle. - -Here, another gentleman asked, with extreme anxiety: 'Are you quite -comfortable?' - -'Yes, I thank you, sir!' said Uriah Heep, looking in that -direction. 'Far more comfortable here, than ever I was outside. -I see my follies, now, sir. That's what makes me comfortable.' - -Several gentlemen were much affected; and a third questioner, -forcing himself to the front, inquired with extreme feeling: 'How -do you find the beef?' - -'Thank you, sir,' replied Uriah, glancing in the new direction of -this voice, 'it was tougher yesterday than I could wish; but it's -my duty to bear. I have committed follies, gentlemen,' said Uriah, -looking round with a meek smile, 'and I ought to bear the -consequences without repining.' -A murmur, partly of gratification at Twenty Seven's celestial state -of mind, and partly of indignation against the Contractor who had -given him any cause of complaint (a note of which was immediately -made by Mr. Creakle), having subsided, Twenty Seven stood in the -midst of us, as if he felt himself the principal object of merit in -a highly meritorious museum. That we, the neophytes, might have an -excess of light shining upon us all at once, orders were given to -let out Twenty Eight. - -I had been so much astonished already, that I only felt a kind of -resigned wonder when Mr. Littimer walked forth, reading a good -book! - -'Twenty Eight,' said a gentleman in spectacles, who had not yet -spoken, 'you complained last week, my good fellow, of the cocoa. -How has it been since?' - -'I thank you, sir,' said Mr. Littimer, 'it has been better made. -If I might take the liberty of saying so, sir, I don't think the -milk which is boiled with it is quite genuine; but I am aware, sir, -that there is a great adulteration of milk, in London, and that the -article in a pure state is difficult to be obtained.' - -It appeared to me that the gentleman in spectacles backed his -Twenty Eight against Mr. Creakle's Twenty Seven, for each of them -took his own man in hand. - -'What is your state of mind, Twenty Eight?' said the questioner in -spectacles. - -'I thank you, sir,' returned Mr. Littimer; 'I see my follies now, -sir. I am a good deal troubled when I think of the sins of my -former companions, sir; but I trust they may find forgiveness.' - -'You are quite happy yourself?' said the questioner, nodding -encouragement. - -'I am much obliged to you, sir,' returned Mr. Littimer. 'Perfectly -so.' - -'Is there anything at all on your mind now?' said the questioner. -'If so, mention it, Twenty Eight.' - -'Sir,' said Mr. Littimer, without looking up, 'if my eyes have not -deceived me, there is a gentleman present who was acquainted with -me in my former life. It may be profitable to that gentleman to -know, sir, that I attribute my past follies, entirely to having -lived a thoughtless life in the service of young men; and to having -allowed myself to be led by them into weaknesses, which I had not -the strength to resist. I hope that gentleman will take warning, -sir, and will not be offended at my freedom. It is for his good. -I am conscious of my own past follies. I hope he may repent of all -the wickedness and sin to which he has been a party.' - -I observed that several gentlemen were shading their eyes, each -with one hand, as if they had just come into church. - -'This does you credit, Twenty Eight,' returned the questioner. 'I -should have expected it of you. Is there anything else?' - -'Sir,' returned Mr. Littimer, slightly lifting up his eyebrows, but -not his eyes, 'there was a young woman who fell into dissolute -courses, that I endeavoured to save, sir, but could not rescue. I -beg that gentleman, if he has it in his power, to inform that young -woman from me that I forgive her her bad conduct towards myself, -and that I call her to repentance - if he will be so good.' - -'I have no doubt, Twenty Eight,' returned the questioner, 'that the -gentleman you refer to feels very strongly - as we all must - what -you have so properly said. We will not detain you.' - -'I thank you, sir,' said Mr. Littimer. 'Gentlemen, I wish you a -good day, and hoping you and your families will also see your -wickedness, and amend!' - -With this, Number Twenty Eight retired, after a glance between him -and Uriah; as if they were not altogether unknown to each other, -through some medium of communication; and a murmur went round the -group, as his door shut upon him, that he was a most respectable -man, and a beautiful case. - -'Now, Twenty Seven,' said Mr. Creakle, entering on a clear stage -with his man, 'is there anything that anyone can do for you? If -so, mention it.' - -'I would umbly ask, sir,' returned Uriah, with a jerk of his -malevolent head, 'for leave to write again to mother.' - -'It shall certainly be granted,' said Mr. Creakle. - -'Thank you, sir! I am anxious about mother. I am afraid she ain't -safe.' - -Somebody incautiously asked, what from? But there was a -scandalized whisper of 'Hush!' - -'Immortally safe, sir,' returned Uriah, writhing in the direction -of the voice. 'I should wish mother to be got into my state. I -never should have been got into my present state if I hadn't come -here. I wish mother had come here. It would be better for -everybody, if they got took up, and was brought here.' - -This sentiment gave unbounded satisfaction - greater satisfaction, -I think, than anything that had passed yet. - -'Before I come here,' said Uriah, stealing a look at us, as if he -would have blighted the outer world to which we belonged, if he -could, 'I was given to follies; but now I am sensible of my -follies. There's a deal of sin outside. There's a deal of sin in -mother. There's nothing but sin everywhere - except here.' - -'You are quite changed?' said Mr. Creakle. - -'Oh dear, yes, sir!' cried this hopeful penitent. - -'You wouldn't relapse, if you were going out?' asked somebody else. - -'Oh de-ar no, sir!' - -'Well!' said Mr. Creakle, 'this is very gratifying. You have -addressed Mr. Copperfield, Twenty Seven. Do you wish to say -anything further to him?' - -'You knew me, a long time before I came here and was changed, Mr. -Copperfield,' said Uriah, looking at me; and a more villainous look -I never saw, even on his visage. 'You knew me when, in spite of my -follies, I was umble among them that was proud, and meek among them -that was violent - you was violent to me yourself, Mr. Copperfield. -Once, you struck me a blow in the face, you know.' - -General commiseration. Several indignant glances directed at me. - -'But I forgive you, Mr. Copperfield,' said Uriah, making his -forgiving nature the subject of a most impious and awful parallel, -which I shall not record. 'I forgive everybody. It would ill -become me to bear malice. I freely forgive you, and I hope you'll -curb your passions in future. I hope Mr. W. will repent, and Miss -W., and all of that sinful lot. You've been visited with -affliction, and I hope it may do you good; but you'd better have -come here. Mr. W. had better have come here, and Miss W. too. The -best wish I could give you, Mr. Copperfield, and give all of you -gentlemen, is, that you could be took up and brought here. When I -think of my past follies, and my present state, I am sure it would -be best for you. I pity all who ain't brought here!' - -He sneaked back into his cell, amidst a little chorus of -approbation; and both Traddles and I experienced a great relief -when he was locked in. - -It was a characteristic feature in this repentance, that I was fain -to ask what these two men had done, to be there at all. That -appeared to be the last thing about which they had anything to say. -I addressed myself to one of the two warders, who, I suspected from -certain latent indications in their faces, knew pretty well what -all this stir was worth. - -'Do you know,' said I, as we walked along the passage, 'what felony -was Number Twenty Seven's last "folly"?' - -The answer was that it was a Bank case. - -'A fraud on the Bank of England?' I asked. -'Yes, sir. Fraud, forgery, and conspiracy. He and some others. -He set the others on. It was a deep plot for a large sum. -Sentence, transportation for life. Twenty Seven was the knowingest -bird of the lot, and had very nearly kept himself safe; but not -quite. The Bank was just able to put salt upon his tail - and only -just.' - -'Do you know Twenty Eight's offence?' - -'Twenty Eight,' returned my informant, speaking throughout in a low -tone, and looking over his shoulder as we walked along the passage, -to guard himself from being overheard, in such an unlawful -reference to these Immaculates, by Creakle and the rest; 'Twenty -Eight (also transportation) got a place, and robbed a young master -of a matter of two hundred and fifty pounds in money and valuables, -the night before they were going abroad. I particularly recollect -his case, from his being took by a dwarf.' - -'A what?' - -'A little woman. I have forgot her name?' - -'Not Mowcher?' - -'That's it! He had eluded pursuit, and was going to America in a -flaxen wig, and whiskers, and such a complete disguise as never you -see in all your born days; when the little woman, being in -Southampton, met him walking along the street - picked him out with -her sharp eye in a moment - ran betwixt his legs to upset him - and -held on to him like grim Death.' - -'Excellent Miss Mowcher!' cried I. - -'You'd have said so, if you had seen her, standing on a chair in -the witness-box at the trial, as I did,' said my friend. 'He cut -her face right open, and pounded her in the most brutal manner, -when she took him; but she never loosed her hold till he was locked -up. She held so tight to him, in fact, that the officers were -obliged to take 'em both together. She gave her evidence in the -gamest way, and was highly complimented by the Bench, and cheered -right home to her lodgings. She said in Court that she'd have took -him single-handed (on account of what she knew concerning him), if -he had been Samson. And it's my belief she would!' - -It was mine too, and I highly respected Miss Mowcher for it. - -We had now seen all there was to see. It would have been in vain -to represent to such a man as the Worshipful Mr. Creakle, that -Twenty Seven and Twenty Eight were perfectly consistent and -unchanged; that exactly what they were then, they had always been; -that the hypocritical knaves were just the subjects to make that -sort of profession in such a place; that they knew its market-value -at least as well as we did, in the immediate service it would do -them when they were expatriated; in a word, that it was a rotten, -hollow, painfully suggestive piece of business altogether. We left -them to their system and themselves, and went home wondering. - -'Perhaps it's a good thing, Traddles,' said I, 'to have an unsound -Hobby ridden hard; for it's the sooner ridden to death.' - -'I hope so,' replied Traddles. - - - -CHAPTER 62 -A LIGHT SHINES ON MY WAY - - -The year came round to Christmas-time, and I had been at home above -two months. I had seen Agnes frequently. However loud the general -voice might be in giving me encouragement, and however fervent the -emotions and endeavours to which it roused me, I heard her lightest -word of praise as I heard nothing else. - -At least once a week, and sometimes oftener, I rode over there, and -passed the evening. I usually rode back at night; for the old -unhappy sense was always hovering about me now - most sorrowfully -when I left her - and I was glad to be up and out, rather than -wandering over the past in weary wakefulness or miserable dreams. -I wore away the longest part of many wild sad nights, in those -rides; reviving, as I went, the thoughts that had occupied me in my -long absence. - -Or, if I were to say rather that I listened to the echoes of those -thoughts, I should better express the truth. They spoke to me from -afar off. I had put them at a distance, and accepted my inevitable -place. When I read to Agnes what I wrote; when I saw her listening -face; moved her to smiles or tears; and heard her cordial voice so -earnest on the shadowy events of that imaginative world in which I -lived; I thought what a fate mine might have been - but only -thought so, as I had thought after I was married to Dora, what I -could have wished my wife to be. - -My duty to Agnes, who loved me with a love, which, if I disquieted, -I wronged most selfishly and poorly, and could never restore; my -matured assurance that I, who had worked out my own destiny, and -won what I had impetuously set my heart on, had no right to murmur, -and must bear; comprised what I felt and what I had learned. But -I loved her: and now it even became some consolation to me, vaguely -to conceive a distant day when I might blamelessly avow it; when -all this should be over; when I could say 'Agnes, so it was when I -came home; and now I am old, and I never have loved since!' - -She did not once show me any change in herself. What she always -had been to me, she still was; wholly unaltered. - -Between my aunt and me there had been something, in this connexion, -since the night of my return, which I cannot call a restraint, or -an avoidance of the subject, so much as an implied understanding -that we thought of it together, but did not shape our thoughts into -words. When, according to our old custom, we sat before the fire -at night, we often fell into this train; as naturally, and as -consciously to each other, as if we had unreservedly said so. But -we preserved an unbroken silence. I believed that she had read, or -partly read, my thoughts that night; and that she fully -comprehended why I gave mine no more distinct expression. - -This Christmas-time being come, and Agnes having reposed no new -confidence in me, a doubt that had several times arisen in my mind -- whether she could have that perception of the true state of my -breast, which restrained her with the apprehension of giving me -pain - began to oppress me heavily. If that were so, my sacrifice -was nothing; my plainest obligation to her unfulfilled; and every -poor action I had shrunk from, I was hourly doing. I resolved to -set this right beyond all doubt; - if such a barrier were between -us, to break it down at once with a determined hand. - -It was - what lasting reason have I to remember it! - a cold, -harsh, winter day. There had been snow, some hours before; and it -lay, not deep, but hard-frozen on the ground. Out at sea, beyond -my window, the wind blew ruggedly from the north. I had been -thinking of it, sweeping over those mountain wastes of snow in -Switzerland, then inaccessible to any human foot; and had been -speculating which was the lonelier, those solitary regions, or a -deserted ocean. - -'Riding today, Trot?' said my aunt, putting her head in at the -door. - -'Yes,' said I, 'I am going over to Canterbury. It's a good day for -a ride.' - -'I hope your horse may think so too,' said my aunt; 'but at present -he is holding down his head and his ears, standing before the door -there, as if he thought his stable preferable.' - -My aunt, I may observe, allowed my horse on the forbidden ground, -but had not at all relented towards the donkeys. - -'He will be fresh enough, presently!' said I. - -'The ride will do his master good, at all events,' observed my -aunt, glancing at the papers on my table. 'Ah, child, you pass a -good many hours here! I never thought, when I used to read books, -what work it was to write them.' - -'It's work enough to read them, sometimes,' I returned. 'As to the -writing, it has its own charms, aunt.' - -'Ah! I see!' said my aunt. 'Ambition, love of approbation, -sympathy, and much more, I suppose? Well: go along with you!' - -'Do you know anything more,' said I, standing composedly before her -- she had patted me on the shoulder, and sat down in my chair - 'of -that attachment of Agnes?' - -She looked up in my face a little while, before replying: - -'I think I do, Trot.' - -'Are you confirmed in your impression?' I inquired. - -'I think I am, Trot.' - -She looked so steadfastly at me: with a kind of doubt, or pity, or -suspense in her affection: that I summoned the stronger -determination to show her a perfectly cheerful face. - -'And what is more, Trot -' said my aunt. - -'Yes!' - -'I think Agnes is going to be married.' - -'God bless her!' said I, cheerfully. - -'God bless her!' said my aunt, 'and her husband too!' - -I echoed it, parted from my aunt, and went lightly downstairs, -mounted, and rode away. There was greater reason than before to do -what I had resolved to do. - -How well I recollect the wintry ride! The frozen particles of ice, -brushed from the blades of grass by the wind, and borne across my -face; the hard clatter of the horse's hoofs, beating a tune upon -the ground; the stiff-tilled soil; the snowdrift, lightly eddying -in the chalk-pit as the breeze ruffled it; the smoking team with -the waggon of old hay, stopping to breathe on the hill-top, and -shaking their bells musically; the whitened slopes and sweeps of -Down-land lying against the dark sky, as if they were drawn on a -huge slate! - -I found Agnes alone. The little girls had gone to their own homes -now, and she was alone by the fire, reading. She put down her book -on seeing me come in; and having welcomed me as usual, took her -work-basket and sat in one of the old-fashioned windows. - -I sat beside her on the window-seat, and we talked of what I was -doing, and when it would be done, and of the progress I had made -since my last visit. Agnes was very cheerful; and laughingly -predicted that I should soon become too famous to be talked to, on -such subjects. - -'So I make the most of the present time, you see,' said Agnes, 'and -talk to you while I may.' - -As I looked at her beautiful face, observant of her work, she -raised her mild clear eyes, and saw that I was looking at her. - -'You are thoughtful today, Trotwood!' - -'Agnes, shall I tell you what about? I came to tell you.' - -She put aside her work, as she was used to do when we were -seriously discussing anything; and gave me her whole attention. - -'My dear Agnes, do you doubt my being true to you?' - -'No!' she answered, with a look of astonishment. - -'Do you doubt my being what I always have been to you?' - -'No!' she answered, as before. - -'Do you remember that I tried to tell you, when I came home, what -a debt of gratitude I owed you, dearest Agnes, and how fervently I -felt towards you?' - -'I remember it,' she said, gently, 'very well.' - -'You have a secret,' said I. 'Let me share it, Agnes.' - -She cast down her eyes, and trembled. - -'I could hardly fail to know, even if I had not heard - but from -other lips than yours, Agnes, which seems strange - that there is -someone upon whom you have bestowed the treasure of your love. Do -not shut me out of what concerns your happiness so nearly! If you -can trust me, as you say you can, and as I know you may, let me be -your friend, your brother, in this matter, of all others!' - -With an appealing, almost a reproachful, glance, she rose from the -window; and hurrying across the room as if without knowing where, -put her hands before her face, and burst into such tears as smote -me to the heart. - -And yet they awakened something in me, bringing promise to my -heart. Without my knowing why, these tears allied themselves with -the quietly sad smile which was so fixed in my remembrance, and -shook me more with hope than fear or sorrow. - -'Agnes! Sister! Dearest! What have I done?' - -'Let me go away, Trotwood. I am not well. I am not myself. I -will speak to you by and by - another time. I will write to you. -Don't speak to me now. Don't! don't!' - -I sought to recollect what she had said, when I had spoken to her -on that former night, of her affection needing no return. It -seemed a very world that I must search through in a moment. -'Agnes, I cannot bear to see you so, and think that I have been the -cause. My dearest girl, dearer to me than anything in life, if you -are unhappy, let me share your unhappiness. If you are in need of -help or counsel, let me try to give it to you. If you have indeed -a burden on your heart, let me try to lighten it. For whom do I -live now, Agnes, if it is not for you!' - -'Oh, spare me! I am not myself! Another time!' was all I could -distinguish. - -Was it a selfish error that was leading me away? Or, having once -a clue to hope, was there something opening to me that I had not -dared to think of? - -'I must say more. I cannot let you leave me so! For Heaven's sake, -Agnes, let us not mistake each other after all these years, and all -that has come and gone with them! I must speak plainly. If you -have any lingering thought that I could envy the happiness you will -confer; that I could not resign you to a dearer protector, of your -own choosing; that I could not, from my removed place, be a -contented witness of your joy; dismiss it, for I don't deserve it! -I have not suffered quite in vain. You have not taught me quite in -vain. There is no alloy of self in what I feel for you.' - -She was quiet now. In a little time, she turned her pale face -towards me, and said in a low voice, broken here and there, but -very clear: - -'I owe it to your pure friendship for me, Trotwood - which, indeed, -I do not doubt - to tell you, you are mistaken. I can do no more. -If I have sometimes, in the course of years, wanted help and -counsel, they have come to me. If I have sometimes been unhappy, -the feeling has passed away. If I have ever had a burden on my -heart, it has been lightened for me. If I have any secret, it is -- no new one; and is - not what you suppose. I cannot reveal it, -or divide it. It has long been mine, and must remain mine.' - -'Agnes! Stay! A moment!' - -She was going away, but I detained her. I clasped my arm about her -waist. 'In the course of years!' 'It is not a new one!' New -thoughts and hopes were whirling through my mind, and all the -colours of my life were changing. - -'Dearest Agnes! Whom I so respect and honour - whom I so devotedly -love! When I came here today, I thought that nothing could have -wrested this confession from me. I thought I could have kept it in -my bosom all our lives, till we were old. But, Agnes, if I have -indeed any new-born hope that I may ever call you something more -than Sister, widely different from Sister! -' - -Her tears fell fast; but they were not like those she had lately -shed, and I saw my hope brighten in them. - -'Agnes! Ever my guide, and best support! If you had been more -mindful of yourself, and less of me, when we grew up here together, -I think my heedless fancy never would have wandered from you. But -you were so much better than I, so necessary to me in every boyish -hope and disappointment, that to have you to confide in, and rely -upon in everything, became a second nature, supplanting for the -time the first and greater one of loving you as I do!' - -Still weeping, but not sadly - joyfully! And clasped in my arms as -she had never been, as I had thought she never was to be! - -'When I loved Dora - fondly, Agnes, as you know -' - -'Yes!' she cried, earnestly. 'I am glad to know it!' - -'When I loved her - even then, my love would have been incomplete, -without your sympathy. I had it, and it was perfected. And when -I lost her, Agnes, what should I have been without you, still!' - -Closer in my arms, nearer to my heart, her trembling hand upon my -shoulder, her sweet eyes shining through her tears, on mine! - -'I went away, dear Agnes, loving you. I stayed away, loving you. -I returned home, loving you!' - -And now, I tried to tell her of the struggle I had had, and the -conclusion I had come to. I tried to lay my mind before her, -truly, and entirely. I tried to show her how I had hoped I had -come into the better knowledge of myself and of her; how I had -resigned myself to what that better knowledge brought; and how I -had come there, even that day, in my fidelity to this. If she did -so love me (I said) that she could take me for her husband, she -could do so, on no deserving of mine, except upon the truth of my -love for her, and the trouble in which it had ripened to be what it -was; and hence it was that I revealed it. And O, Agnes, even out -of thy true eyes, in that same time, the spirit of my child-wife -looked upon me, saying it was well; and winning me, through thee, -to tenderest recollections of the Blossom that had withered in its -bloom! - -'I am so blest, Trotwood - my heart is so overcharged - but there -is one thing I must say.' - -'Dearest, what?' - -She laid her gentle hands upon my shoulders, and looked calmly in -my face. - -'Do you know, yet, what it is?' - -'I am afraid to speculate on what it is. Tell me, my dear.' - -'I have loved you all my life!' - -O, we were happy, we were happy! Our tears were not for the trials -(hers so much the greater) through which we had come to be thus, -but for the rapture of being thus, never to be divided more! - -We walked, that winter evening, in the fields together; and the -blessed calm within us seemed to be partaken by the frosty air. -The early stars began to shine while we were lingering on, and -looking up to them, we thanked our GOD for having guided us to this -tranquillity. - -We stood together in the same old-fashioned window at night, when -the moon was shining; Agnes with her quiet eyes raised up to it; I -following her glance. Long miles of road then opened out before my -mind; and, toiling on, I saw a ragged way-worn boy, forsaken and -neglected, who should come to call even the heart now beating -against mine, his own. - - -It was nearly dinner-time next day when we appeared before my aunt. -She was up in my study, Peggotty said: which it was her pride to -keep in readiness and order for me. We found her, in her -spectacles, sitting by the fire. - -'Goodness me!' said my aunt, peering through the dusk, 'who's this -you're bringing home?' - -'Agnes,' said I. - -As we had arranged to say nothing at first, my aunt was not a -little discomfited. She darted a hopeful glance at me, when I said -'Agnes'; but seeing that I looked as usual, she took off her -spectacles in despair, and rubbed her nose with them. - -She greeted Agnes heartily, nevertheless; and we were soon in the -lighted parlour downstairs, at dinner. My aunt put on her -spectacles twice or thrice, to take another look at me, but as -often took them off again, disappointed, and rubbed her nose with -them. Much to the discomfiture of Mr. Dick, who knew this to be a -bad symptom. - -'By the by, aunt,' said I, after dinner; 'I have been speaking to -Agnes about what you told me.' - -'Then, Trot,' said my aunt, turning scarlet, 'you did wrong, and -broke your promise.' - -'You are not angry, aunt, I trust? I am sure you won't be, when -you learn that Agnes is not unhappy in any attachment.' - -'Stuff and nonsense!' said my aunt. - -As my aunt appeared to be annoyed, I thought the best way was to -cut her annoyance short. I took Agnes in my arm to the back of her -chair, and we both leaned over her. My aunt, with one clap of her -hands, and one look through her spectacles, immediately went into -hysterics, for the first and only time in all my knowledge of her. - -The hysterics called up Peggotty. The moment my aunt was restored, -she flew at Peggotty, and calling her a silly old creature, hugged -her with all her might. After that, she hugged Mr. Dick (who was -highly honoured, but a good deal surprised); and after that, told -them why. Then, we were all happy together. - -I could not discover whether my aunt, in her last short -conversation with me, had fallen on a pious fraud, or had really -mistaken the state of my mind. It was quite enough, she said, that -she had told me Agnes was going to be married; and that I now knew -better than anyone how true it was. - - -We were married within a fortnight. Traddles and Sophy, and Doctor -and Mrs. Strong, were the only guests at our quiet wedding. We -left them full of joy; and drove away together. Clasped in my -embrace, I held the source of every worthy aspiration I had ever -had; the centre of myself, the circle of my life, my own, my wife; -my love of whom was founded on a rock! - -'Dearest husband!' said Agnes. 'Now that I may call you by that -name, I have one thing more to tell you.' - -'Let me hear it, love.' - -'It grows out of the night when Dora died. She sent you for me.' - -'She did.' - -'She told me that she left me something. Can you think what it -was?' - -I believed I could. I drew the wife who had so long loved me, -closer to my side. - -'She told me that she made a last request to me, and left me a last -charge.' - -'And it was -' - -'That only I would occupy this vacant place.' - -And Agnes laid her head upon my breast, and wept; and I wept with -her, though we were so happy. - - - - -CHAPTER 63 -A VISITOR - -What I have purposed to record is nearly finished; but there is yet -an incident conspicuous in my memory, on which it often rests with -delight, and without which one thread in the web I have spun would -have a ravelled end. - -I had advanced in fame and fortune, my domestic joy was perfect, I -had been married ten happy years. Agnes and I were sitting by the -fire, in our house in London, one night in spring, and three of our -children were playing in the room, when I was told that a stranger -wished to see me. - -He had been asked if he came on business, and had answered No; he -had come for the pleasure of seeing me, and had come a long way. -He was an old man, my servant said, and looked like a farmer. - -As this sounded mysterious to the children, and moreover was like -the beginning of a favourite story Agnes used to tell them, -introductory to the arrival of a wicked old Fairy in a cloak who -hated everybody, it produced some commotion. One of our boys laid -his head in his mother's lap to be out of harm's way, and little -Agnes (our eldest child) left her doll in a chair to represent her, -and thrust out her little heap of golden curls from between the -window-curtains, to see what happened next. - -'Let him come in here!' said I. - -There soon appeared, pausing in the dark doorway as he entered, a -hale, grey-haired old man. Little Agnes, attracted by his looks, -had run to bring him in, and I had not yet clearly seen his face, -when my wife, starting up, cried out to me, in a pleased and -agitated voice, that it was Mr. Peggotty! - -It WAS Mr. Peggotty. An old man now, but in a ruddy, hearty, -strong old age. When our first emotion was over, and he sat before -the fire with the children on his knees, and the blaze shining on -his face, he looked, to me, as vigorous and robust, withal as -handsome, an old man, as ever I had seen. - -'Mas'r Davy,' said he. And the old name in the old tone fell so -naturally on my ear! 'Mas'r Davy, 'tis a joyful hour as I see you, -once more, 'long with your own trew wife!' - -'A joyful hour indeed, old friend!' cried I. - -'And these heer pretty ones,' said Mr. Peggotty. 'To look at these -heer flowers! Why, Mas'r Davy, you was but the heighth of the -littlest of these, when I first see you! When Em'ly warn't no -bigger, and our poor lad were BUT a lad!' - -'Time has changed me more than it has changed you since then,' said -I. 'But let these dear rogues go to bed; and as no house in -England but this must hold you, tell me where to send for your -luggage (is the old black bag among it, that went so far, I -wonder!), and then, over a glass of Yarmouth grog, we will have the -tidings of ten years!' - -'Are you alone?' asked Agnes. - -'Yes, ma'am,' he said, kissing her hand, 'quite alone.' - -We sat him between us, not knowing how to give him welcome enough; -and as I began to listen to his old familiar voice, I could have -fancied he was still pursuing his long journey in search of his -darling niece. - -'It's a mort of water,' said Mr. Peggotty, 'fur to come across, and -on'y stay a matter of fower weeks. But water ('specially when 'tis -salt) comes nat'ral to me; and friends is dear, and I am heer. - -Which is verse,' said Mr. Peggotty, surprised to find it out, -'though I hadn't such intentions.' - -'Are you going back those many thousand miles, so soon?' asked -Agnes. - -'Yes, ma'am,' he returned. 'I giv the promise to Em'ly, afore I -come away. You see, I doen't grow younger as the years comes -round, and if I hadn't sailed as 'twas, most like I shouldn't never -have done 't. And it's allus been on my mind, as I must come and -see Mas'r Davy and your own sweet blooming self, in your wedded -happiness, afore I got to be too old.' - -He looked at us, as if he could never feast his eyes on us -sufficiently. Agnes laughingly put back some scattered locks of -his grey hair, that he might see us better. - -'And now tell us,' said I, 'everything relating to your fortunes.' - -'Our fortuns, Mas'r Davy,' he rejoined, 'is soon told. We haven't -fared nohows, but fared to thrive. We've allus thrived. We've -worked as we ought to 't, and maybe we lived a leetle hard at first -or so, but we have allus thrived. What with sheep-farming, and -what with stock-farming, and what with one thing and what with -t'other, we are as well to do, as well could be. Theer's been -kiender a blessing fell upon us,' said Mr. Peggotty, reverentially -inclining his head, 'and we've done nowt but prosper. That is, in -the long run. If not yesterday, why then today. If not today, why -then tomorrow.' - -'And Emily?' said Agnes and I, both together. - -'Em'ly,' said he, 'arter you left her, ma'am - and I never heerd -her saying of her prayers at night, t'other side the canvas screen, -when we was settled in the Bush, but what I heerd your name - and -arter she and me lost sight of Mas'r Davy, that theer shining -sundown - was that low, at first, that, if she had know'd then what -Mas'r Davy kep from us so kind and thowtful, 'tis my opinion she'd -have drooped away. But theer was some poor folks aboard as had -illness among 'em, and she took care of them; and theer was the -children in our company, and she took care of them; and so she got -to be busy, and to be doing good, and that helped her.' - -'When did she first hear of it?' I asked. - -'I kep it from her arter I heerd on 't,' said Mr. Peggotty, 'going -on nigh a year. We was living then in a solitary place, but among -the beautifullest trees, and with the roses a-covering our Beein to -the roof. Theer come along one day, when I was out a-working on -the land, a traveller from our own Norfolk or Suffolk in England (I -doen't rightly mind which), and of course we took him in, and giv -him to eat and drink, and made him welcome. We all do that, all -the colony over. He'd got an old newspaper with him, and some -other account in print of the storm. That's how she know'd it. -When I came home at night, I found she know'd it.' - -He dropped his voice as he said these words, and the gravity I so -well remembered overspread his face. - -'Did it change her much?' we asked. - -'Aye, for a good long time,' he said, shaking his head; 'if not to -this present hour. But I think the solitoode done her good. And -she had a deal to mind in the way of poultry and the like, and -minded of it, and come through. I wonder,' he said thoughtfully, -'if you could see my Em'ly now, Mas'r Davy, whether you'd know -her!' - -'Is she so altered?' I inquired. - -'I doen't know. I see her ev'ry day, and doen't know; But, -odd-times, I have thowt so. A slight figure,' said Mr. Peggotty, -looking at the fire, 'kiender worn; soft, sorrowful, blue eyes; a -delicate face; a pritty head, leaning a little down; a quiet voice -and way - timid a'most. That's Em'ly!' - -We silently observed him as he sat, still looking at the fire. - -'Some thinks,' he said, 'as her affection was ill-bestowed; some, -as her marriage was broken off by death. No one knows how 'tis. -She might have married well, a mort of times, "but, uncle," she -says to me, "that's gone for ever." Cheerful along with me; retired -when others is by; fond of going any distance fur to teach a child, -or fur to tend a sick person, or fur to do some kindness tow'rds a -young girl's wedding (and she's done a many, but has never seen -one); fondly loving of her uncle; patient; liked by young and old; -sowt out by all that has any trouble. That's Em'ly!' - -He drew his hand across his face, and with a half-suppressed sigh -looked up from the fire. - -'Is Martha with you yet?' I asked. - -'Martha,' he replied, 'got married, Mas'r Davy, in the second year. -A young man, a farm-labourer, as come by us on his way to market -with his mas'r's drays - a journey of over five hundred mile, theer -and back - made offers fur to take her fur his wife (wives is very -scarce theer), and then to set up fur their two selves in the Bush. -She spoke to me fur to tell him her trew story. I did. They was -married, and they live fower hundred mile away from any voices but -their own and the singing birds.' - -'Mrs. Gummidge?' I suggested. - -It was a pleasant key to touch, for Mr. Peggotty suddenly burst -into a roar of laughter, and rubbed his hands up and down his legs, -as he had been accustomed to do when he enjoyed himself in the -long-shipwrecked boat. - -'Would you believe it!' he said. 'Why, someun even made offer fur -to marry her! If a ship's cook that was turning settler, Mas'r -Davy, didn't make offers fur to marry Missis Gummidge, I'm Gormed -- and I can't say no fairer than that!' - -I never saw Agnes laugh so. This sudden ecstasy on the part of Mr. -Peggotty was so delightful to her, that she could not leave off -laughing; and the more she laughed the more she made me laugh, and -the greater Mr. Peggotty's ecstasy became, and the more he rubbed -his legs. - -'And what did Mrs. Gummidge say?' I asked, when I was grave enough. - -'If you'll believe me,' returned Mr. Peggotty, 'Missis Gummidge, -'stead of saying "thank you, I'm much obleeged to you, I ain't -a-going fur to change my condition at my time of life," up'd with -a bucket as was standing by, and laid it over that theer ship's -cook's head 'till he sung out fur help, and I went in and reskied -of him.' - -Mr. Peggotty burst into a great roar of laughter, and Agnes and I -both kept him company. - -'But I must say this, for the good creetur,' he resumed, wiping his -face, when we were quite exhausted; 'she has been all she said -she'd be to us, and more. She's the willingest, the trewest, the -honestest-helping woman, Mas'r Davy, as ever draw'd the breath of -life. I have never know'd her to be lone and lorn, for a single -minute, not even when the colony was all afore us, and we was new -to it. And thinking of the old 'un is a thing she never done, I do -assure you, since she left England!' - -'Now, last, not least, Mr. Micawber,' said I. 'He has paid off -every obligation he incurred here - even to Traddles's bill, you -remember my dear Agnes - and therefore we may take it for granted -that he is doing well. But what is the latest news of him?' - -Mr. Peggotty, with a smile, put his hand in his breast-pocket, and -produced a flat-folded, paper parcel, from which he took out, with -much care, a little odd-looking newspaper. - -'You are to understan', Mas'r Davy,' said he, 'as we have left the -Bush now, being so well to do; and have gone right away round to -Port Middlebay Harbour, wheer theer's what we call a town.' - -'Mr. Micawber was in the Bush near you?' said I. - -'Bless you, yes,' said Mr. Peggotty, 'and turned to with a will. -I never wish to meet a better gen'l'man for turning to with a will. -I've seen that theer bald head of his a perspiring in the sun, -Mas'r Davy, till I a'most thowt it would have melted away. And now -he's a Magistrate.' - -'A Magistrate, eh?' said I. - -Mr. Peggotty pointed to a certain paragraph in the newspaper, where -I read aloud as follows, from the Port Middlebay Times: - - -'The public dinner to our distinguished fellow-colonist and -townsman, WILKINS MICAWBER, ESQUIRE, Port Middlebay District -Magistrate, came off yesterday in the large room of the Hotel, -which was crowded to suffocation. It is estimated that not fewer -than forty-seven persons must have been accommodated with dinner at -one time, exclusive of the company in the passage and on the -stairs. The beauty, fashion, and exclusiveness of Port Middlebay, -flocked to do honour to one so deservedly esteemed, so highly -talented, and so widely popular. Doctor Mell (of Colonial -Salem-House Grammar School, Port Middlebay) presided, and on his -right sat the distinguished guest. After the removal of the cloth, -and the singing of Non Nobis (beautifully executed, and in which we -were at no loss to distinguish the bell-like notes of that gifted -amateur, WILKINS MICAWBER, ESQUIRE, JUNIOR), the usual loyal and -patriotic toasts were severally given and rapturously received. -Doctor Mell, in a speech replete with feeling, then proposed "Our -distinguished Guest, the ornament of our town. May he never leave -us but to better himself, and may his success among us be such as -to render his bettering himself impossible!" The cheering with -which the toast was received defies description. Again and again -it rose and fell, like the waves of ocean. At length all was -hushed, and WILKINS MICAWBER, ESQUIRE, presented himself to return -thanks. Far be it from us, in the present comparatively imperfect -state of the resources of our establishment, to endeavour to follow -our distinguished townsman through the smoothly-flowing periods of -his polished and highly-ornate address! Suffice it to observe, that -it was a masterpiece of eloquence; and that those passages in which -he more particularly traced his own successful career to its -source, and warned the younger portion of his auditory from the -shoals of ever incurring pecuniary liabilities which they were -unable to liquidate, brought a tear into the manliest eye present. -The remaining toasts were DOCTOR MELL; Mrs. MICAWBER (who -gracefully bowed her acknowledgements from the side-door, where a -galaxy of beauty was elevated on chairs, at once to witness and -adorn the gratifying scene), Mrs. RIDGER BEGS (late Miss Micawber); -Mrs. MELL; WILKINS MICAWBER, ESQUIRE, JUNIOR (who convulsed the -assembly by humorously remarking that he found himself unable to -return thanks in a speech, but would do so, with their permission, -in a song); Mrs. MICAWBER'S FAMILY (well known, it is needless to -remark, in the mother-country), &c. &c. &c. At the conclusion of -the proceedings the tables were cleared as if by art-magic for -dancing. Among the votaries of TERPSICHORE, who disported -themselves until Sol gave warning for departure, Wilkins Micawber, -Esquire, Junior, and the lovely and accomplished Miss Helena, -fourth daughter of Doctor Mell, were particularly remarkable.' - - -I was looking back to the name of Doctor Mell, pleased to have -discovered, in these happier circumstances, Mr. Mell, formerly poor -pinched usher to my Middlesex magistrate, when Mr. Peggotty -pointing to another part of the paper, my eyes rested on my own -name, and I read thus: - - -' TO DAVID COPPERFIELD, ESQUIRE, - - 'THE EMINENT AUTHOR. - -'My Dear Sir, - -'Years have elapsed, since I had an opportunity of ocularly -perusing the lineaments, now familiar to the imaginations of a -considerable portion of the civilized world. - -'But, my dear Sir, though estranged (by the force of circumstances -over which I have had no control) from the personal society of the -friend and companion of my youth, I have not been unmindful of his -soaring flight. Nor have I been debarred, - - Though seas between us braid ha' roared, - -(BURNS) from participating in the intellectual feasts he has spread -before us. - -'I cannot, therefore, allow of the departure from this place of an -individual whom we mutually respect and esteem, without, my dear -Sir, taking this public opportunity of thanking you, on my own -behalf, and, I may undertake to add, on that of the whole of the -Inhabitants of Port Middlebay, for the gratification of which you -are the ministering agent. - -'Go on, my dear Sir! You are not unknown here, you are not -unappreciated. Though "remote", we are neither "unfriended", -"melancholy", nor (I may add) "slow". Go on, my dear Sir, in your -Eagle course! The inhabitants of Port Middlebay may at least aspire -to watch it, with delight, with entertainment, with instruction! - -'Among the eyes elevated towards you from this portion of the -globe, will ever be found, while it has light and life, - - 'The - 'Eye - 'Appertaining to - - 'WILKINS MICAWBER, - 'Magistrate.' - - -I found, on glancing at the remaining contents of the newspaper, -that Mr. Micawber was a diligent and esteemed correspondent of that -journal. There was another letter from him in the same paper, -touching a bridge; there was an advertisement of a collection of -similar letters by him, to be shortly republished, in a neat -volume, 'with considerable additions'; and, unless I am very much -mistaken, the Leading Article was his also. - -We talked much of Mr. Micawber, on many other evenings while Mr. -Peggotty remained with us. He lived with us during the whole term -of his stay, - which, I think, was something less than a month, - -and his sister and my aunt came to London to see him. Agnes and I -parted from him aboard-ship, when he sailed; and we shall never -part from him more, on earth. - -But before he left, he went with me to Yarmouth, to see a little -tablet I had put up in the churchyard to the memory of Ham. While -I was copying the plain inscription for him at his request, I saw -him stoop, and gather a tuft of grass from the grave and a little -earth. - -'For Em'ly,' he said, as he put it in his breast. 'I promised, -Mas'r Davy.' - - - -CHAPTER 64 -A LAST RETROSPECT - - -And now my written story ends. I look back, once more - for the -last time - before I close these leaves. - -I see myself, with Agnes at my side, journeying along the road of -life. I see our children and our friends around us; and I hear the -roar of many voices, not indifferent to me as I travel on. - -What faces are the most distinct to me in the fleeting crowd? Lo, -these; all turning to me as I ask my thoughts the question! - -Here is my aunt, in stronger spectacles, an old woman of four-score -years and more, but upright yet, and a steady walker of six miles -at a stretch in winter weather. - -Always with her, here comes Peggotty, my good old nurse, likewise -in spectacles, accustomed to do needle-work at night very close to -the lamp, but never sitting down to it without a bit of wax candle, -a yard-measure in a little house, and a work-box with a picture of -St. Paul's upon the lid. - -The cheeks and arms of Peggotty, so hard and red in my childish -days, when I wondered why the birds didn't peck her in preference -to apples, are shrivelled now; and her eyes, that used to darken -their whole neighbourhood in her face, are fainter (though they -glitter still); but her rough forefinger, which I once associated -with a pocket nutmeg-grater, is just the same, and when I see my -least child catching at it as it totters from my aunt to her, I -think of our little parlour at home, when I could scarcely walk. -My aunt's old disappointment is set right, now. She is godmother -to a real living Betsey Trotwood; and Dora (the next in order) says -she spoils her. - -There is something bulky in Peggotty's pocket. It is nothing -smaller than the Crocodile Book, which is in rather a dilapidated -condition by this time, with divers of the leaves torn and stitched -across, but which Peggotty exhibits to the children as a precious -relic. I find it very curious to see my own infant face, looking -up at me from the Crocodile stories; and to be reminded by it of my -old acquaintance Brooks of Sheffield. - -Among my boys, this summer holiday time, I see an old man making -giant kites, and gazing at them in the air, with a delight for -which there are no words. He greets me rapturously, and whispers, -with many nods and winks, 'Trotwood, you will be glad to hear that -I shall finish the Memorial when I have nothing else to do, and -that your aunt's the most extraordinary woman in the world, sir!' - -Who is this bent lady, supporting herself by a stick, and showing -me a countenance in which there are some traces of old pride and -beauty, feebly contending with a querulous, imbecile, fretful -wandering of the mind? She is in a garden; and near her stands a -sharp, dark, withered woman, with a white scar on her lip. Let me -hear what they say. - -'Rosa, I have forgotten this gentleman's name.' - -Rosa bends over her, and calls to her, 'Mr. Copperfield.' - -'I am glad to see you, sir. I am sorry to observe you are in -mourning. I hope Time will be good to you.' - -Her impatient attendant scolds her, tells her I am not in mourning, -bids her look again, tries to rouse her. - -'You have seen my son, sir,' says the elder lady. 'Are you -reconciled?' - -Looking fixedly at me, she puts her hand to her forehead, and -moans. Suddenly, she cries, in a terrible voice, 'Rosa, come to -me. He is dead!' Rosa kneeling at her feet, by turns caresses her, -and quarrels with her; now fiercely telling her, 'I loved him -better than you ever did!'- now soothing her to sleep on her -breast, like a sick child. Thus I leave them; thus I always find -them; thus they wear their time away, from year to year. - -What ship comes sailing home from India, and what English lady is -this, married to a growling old Scotch Croesus with great flaps of -ears? Can this be Julia Mills? - -Indeed it is Julia Mills, peevish and fine, with a black man to -carry cards and letters to her on a golden salver, and a -copper-coloured woman in linen, with a bright handkerchief round -her head, to serve her Tiffin in her dressing-room. But Julia -keeps no diary in these days; never sings Affection's Dirge; -eternally quarrels with the old Scotch Croesus, who is a sort of -yellow bear with a tanned hide. Julia is steeped in money to the -throat, and talks and thinks of nothing else. I liked her better -in the Desert of Sahara. - -Or perhaps this IS the Desert of Sahara! For, though Julia has a -stately house, and mighty company, and sumptuous dinners every day, -I see no green growth near her; nothing that can ever come to fruit -or flower. What Julia calls 'society', I see; among it Mr. Jack -Maldon, from his Patent Place, sneering at the hand that gave it -him, and speaking to me of the Doctor as 'so charmingly antique'. -But when society is the name for such hollow gentlemen and ladies, -Julia, and when its breeding is professed indifference to -everything that can advance or can retard mankind, I think we must -have lost ourselves in that same Desert of Sahara, and had better -find the way out. - -And lo, the Doctor, always our good friend, labouring at his -Dictionary (somewhere about the letter D), and happy in his home -and wife. Also the Old Soldier, on a considerably reduced footing, -and by no means so influential as in days of yore! - -Working at his chambers in the Temple, with a busy aspect, and his -hair (where he is not bald) made more rebellious than ever by the -constant friction of his lawyer's-wig, I come, in a later time, -upon my dear old Traddles. His table is covered with thick piles -of papers; and I say, as I look around me: - -'If Sophy were your clerk, now, Traddles, she would have enough to -do!' - -'You may say that, my dear Copperfield! But those were capital -days, too, in Holborn Court! Were they not?' - -'When she told you you would be a judge? But it was not the town -talk then!' - -'At all events,' says Traddles, 'if I ever am one -' -'Why, you know you will be.' - -'Well, my dear Copperfield, WHEN I am one, I shall tell the story, -as I said I would.' - -We walk away, arm in arm. I am going to have a family dinner with -Traddles. It is Sophy's birthday; and, on our road, Traddles -discourses to me of the good fortune he has enjoyed. - -'I really have been able, my dear Copperfield, to do all that I had -most at heart. There's the Reverend Horace promoted to that living -at four hundred and fifty pounds a year; there are our two boys -receiving the very best education, and distinguishing themselves as -steady scholars and good fellows; there are three of the girls -married very comfortably; there are three more living with us; -there are three more keeping house for the Reverend Horace since -Mrs. Crewler's decease; and all of them happy.' - -'Except -' I suggest. - -'Except the Beauty,' says Traddles. 'Yes. It was very unfortunate -that she should marry such a vagabond. But there was a certain -dash and glare about him that caught her. However, now we have got -her safe at our house, and got rid of him, we must cheer her up -again.' - -Traddles's house is one of the very houses - or it easily may have -been - which he and Sophy used to parcel out, in their evening -walks. It is a large house; but Traddles keeps his papers in his -dressing-room and his boots with his papers; and he and Sophy -squeeze themselves into upper rooms, reserving the best bedrooms -for the Beauty and the girls. There is no room to spare in the -house; for more of 'the girls' are here, and always are here, by -some accident or other, than I know how to count. Here, when we go -in, is a crowd of them, running down to the door, and handing -Traddles about to be kissed, until he is out of breath. Here, -established in perpetuity, is the poor Beauty, a widow with a -little girl; here, at dinner on Sophy's birthday, are the three -married girls with their three husbands, and one of the husband's -brothers, and another husband's cousin, and another husband's -sister, who appears to me to be engaged to the cousin. Traddles, -exactly the same simple, unaffected fellow as he ever was, sits at -the foot of the large table like a Patriarch; and Sophy beams upon -him, from the head, across a cheerful space that is certainly not -glittering with Britannia metal. - -And now, as I close my task, subduing my desire to linger yet, -these faces fade away. But one face, shining on me like a Heavenly -light by which I see all other objects, is above them and beyond -them all. And that remains. - -I turn my head, and see it, in its beautiful serenity, beside me. - -My lamp burns low, and I have written far into the night; but the -dear presence, without which I were nothing, bears me company. - -O Agnes, O my soul, so may thy face be by me when I close my life -indeed; so may I, when realities are melting from me, like the -shadows which I now dismiss, still find thee near me, pointing -upward! - - - - - -End of the Project Gutenberg Etext of David Copperfield, by Charles Dickens - |