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*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 76449 ***





                             PROFESSOR TIM
                              PAUL TWYNING




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------------------------------------------------------------------------




                             PROFESSOR TIM
                                   &
                              PAUL TWYNING

                        _Comedies in Three Acts_


                                   BY
                             GEORGE SHIELS




                        MACMILLAN & CO, LIMITED
                      ST. MARTIN’S STREET, LONDON
                                MCMXXVII

------------------------------------------------------------------------




                               COPYRIGHT




                        Printed in Great Britain

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   PROFESSOR TIM was first produced in the Abbey Theatre, Dublin, on
Monday, September 14th, 1925, with the following cast:

                    _John Scally_   ERIC GORMAN
                    _Mrs. Scally_   SARA ALLGOOD
                    _Peggy Scally_  EILEEN CROWE
                    _Professor Tim_ F. J. MC’CORMICK
                    _James Kilroy_  PETER NOLAN
                    _Mrs. Kilroy_   CHRISTINE HAYDEN
                    _Joseph Kilroy_ BARRY FITZGERALD
                    _Hugh O’Cahan_  P. J. CAROLAN
                    _Paddy Kinney_  ARTHUR SHIELDS
                    _Moll Flanagan_ MAUREEN DELANY
                    _Mr. Allison_   J. STEPHENSON

   The Play was produced by M. J. DOLAN.

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                             PROFESSOR TIM

                        _A COMEDY IN THREE ACTS_




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                               CHARACTERS


                 JOHN SCALLY   _A Farmer_
                 MRS. SCALLY   _His Wife_
                 PEGGY SCALLY  _Their Daughter_
                 PROFESSOR TIM _Mrs. Scally’s Brother_
                 JAMES KILROY  _A Rural Councillor_
                 MRS. KILROY   _His Wife_
                 JOSEPH KILROY _Their Son_
                 HUGH O’CAHAN  _A Sporting Farmer_
                 PADDY KINNEY  _His Groom_
                 MOLL FLANAGAN _His Housekeeper_
                 MR. ALLISON   _An Auctioneer_


                ACTS I AND III: _JOHN SCALLY’S kitchen_
                ACT II:         _O’CAHAN’S dining-room_


         _The action of the play takes place on the same day._

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                                 ACT I


_JOHN SCALLY’S kitchen. Large and comfortably furnished. A large table
and a small one, a number of chairs, an old lounge, and a tall cupboard
with glass doors above and wooden doors below. The upper part is packed
with china, the under part with linen, etc._

_At the back are two windows and a half-glass door opening to the
farmyard. Another door left communicates with the hall and the other
rooms. Fireplace on the right._

_It is a July morning. A strong sun is shining on the back windows._

_PEGGY SCALLY is doing laundry-work at the larger table. She is an
attractive country girl about twenty-six years old._

   PEGGY. I wish this day was finished!


  _After a hasty glance at the back windows she takes several
   pieces of jewellery from her pocket and places them on a paper.
   Before rolling them up she slips a ring on and off her finger,
   then puts it with the rest and ties the parcel._


If he would just come now and have it over!


  _HUGH O’CAHAN enters on tiptoe at the left. He is twenty-five
   years old, dressed in horsey attire which has seen better days,
   and has an old riding whip in his hand. He wears neither a
   collar nor tie._


   O’C. I was listening, Peggy, to make sure you were alone, and heard
you wishing he’d come. Am I the party?

   PEGGY. Hugh! how did you get in?

   O’C. By the old route, dear; the parlour window.

   PEGGY. I suppose you knocked down the plant?

   O’C. You and that plant, Peggy! I’ve only touched it once in four
years, and that night there was an eclipse of the moon.

   PEGGY. Are you riding?

   O’C. No, worse luck. For the first morning in my life I’ve no horse
to ride. Just this whip left.... I wonder how long it is since the
O’Cahans had no horse? How long since the stable at Rush Hill was last
empty? It must be a good few hundred years.

   PEGGY. You’d a horse yesterday.

   O’C. Yes, Havoc. But he, poor thing, was removed last night after
dark. He went away as sad as a Christian. That left me without a
four-footed animal, save the cat. I’m a pretty handy fellow, Peggy, but
I can’t ride a cat.

   PEGGY. Did anyone see you coming in the window?

   O’C. Not a soul, Peggy. Your mother’s feeding young calves in the
paddock, your father’s driving out a long string of cows, and hours ago
I saw your brothers and sisters going down the moss road to work. They
were singing like birds.

   PEGGY. They’ve gone over to the other farm to make hay.

   O’C. Their industry is shocking.

   PEGGY. Nobody can say that about you, Hugh.

   O’C. That’s the style. Are you set on giving me a final lecture? A
few nice proverbs on the day I’m to be auctioned out would improve me.
Go on, Peggy. Squander your good advice.

   PEGGY. I’ve no intention of lecturing, Hugh. A ruined man needs no
lecture. He’s a lecture to look at.

   O’C. A ruined man at twenty-five! Talk sense, Peggy. You can’t ruin a
man at that age--not if you broke him in two. I’ve had my fling, Peggy,
it’s all over but the auction, and I don’t regret it.

   PEGGY. Just so. [_Takes out packet_] I’ve your ring and presents
here. I want to return them.

   O’C. Ah, this is cruel! I hadn’t thought of this. But Lady Fate
doesn’t do her work slipshod. She keeps the big hammer for the last
blow.... But you might keep these things, Peggy--just to spite the hag.

   PEGGY. Impossible, Hugh. You must take them back. They’re valuable,
and you may need the money.

   O’C. That’s true. I may need the money. [_Takes packet and looks
round._] Have you no fire here?

   PEGGY. We let the fire go out after breakfast.

   O’C. And where, if it’s a fair question, do you heat your irons?

   PEGGY. There’s a fire over in the old kitchen.

   O’C. [_going towards back door_]. I’ll add some fuel to it.

   PEGGY [_stops him_]. You mustn’t go out there, Hugh! Mother would see
you. Don’t be a fool.... I mean don’t be reckless.

   O’C. [_comes back_]. Nothing foolish about me, Peggy. I’ve always
been rather famous for my wisdom. [_Weighing packet_] This was a prudent
investment! Four hundred pounds, I think. Do you remember the day I got
these trinkets, Peggy?

   PEGGY. No.

   O’C. You mean yes. I remember it too. I’d sold a mare and foal at a
thousand guineas. I was under the impression that you and I were
engaged, and I rushed off and bought these family jewels.... ’Twas all a
mistake. My mistake.

   PEGGY. Stop, Hugh. Please. I remember everything far too well.

   O’C. And is this the end of the story? Somehow I can’t believe it.
Can you?

   PEGGY. We’ve both got to believe it. It’s the only way to end it.
You’re free and so am I.

   O’C. Well, I must say you’ve cut it down pretty fine. You’ve left it
to within an hour of the auction to deliver the knock-out.

   PEGGY. I left it as long as I could, Hugh--till there wasn’t a gleam
of hope anywhere.

   O’C. The auction wasn’t enough of a tragedy for one day! It needed
this to finish it.... Here, will you take these things back?

   PEGGY. I can’t, Hugh. And I always told you it was folly to put so
much money in those presents. Something at half a crown would have done
me just as well.

   O’C. Perhaps. But I didn’t want a half-crown sweetheart. Nor a
half-crown wife either. A woman at that price is usually very dear in
the end. [_Offers packet_] Here, Peggy. Take them and keep them. They’ll
remind you of a very foolish fellow....

   PEGGY. I can’t, Hugh.

   O’C. You mean you won’t?

   PEGGY. I won’t.

   O’C. [_flings packet across kitchen_]. To blazes with that! And with
every romantic thing on earth.

   PEGGY [_picks it up_]. I see now what you want. You want mother to
come in. You want to make trouble for me.... Here, put this in your
pocket. You can throw it in the river.

   O’C. You live as near the river as I do. Drown them yourself. Make
jam of them if you like.

   PEGGY. Well, you needn’t storm. I’ll find some means of returning
them. [_She puts packet in her pocket._]

   O’C. I’ll tell you how to dispose of them. Hang them on Joseph
Kilroy. They’ll improve yon cow’s face of his.

   PEGGY [_wincing_]. What do you mean, Hugh?

   O’C. Ah, you must think Hugh’s mighty green. It’s a wonder the goats
don’t mistake me for brussels sprouts.

   PEGGY. You can be very nasty.

   O’C. Never without reason. You’ve kept Joseph Kilroy tied to your
apron-strings to see how things would pan out at Rush Hill. He walks
after you like a sheep. I saw you together last night. Is that nasty?

   PEGGY. Hugh, you ought to’ve more sense. You never look at my side of
it at all. I’ve three sisters and three brothers, all single. That’s too
many single people in one house.

   O’C. Well, why don’t they all get married?

   PEGGY. They were waiting for me to break the ice, and I was waiting
for--well, I don’t want to hurt you.

   O’C. That’s very considerate.... Didn’t I want you to marry me two
years ago? And who objected?

   PEGGY. Everybody objected. They saw the pace you were going and knew
how it would end. Everybody could see that but yourself.

   O’C. You were all great prophets! The Wise Men of the East weren’t a
patch on you. But among you you played a pretty safe game anyhow. When I
got a good price for a colt your mother smiled like a basket of cats,
but when I buried one she frowned like a gargoyle.

   PEGGY. Whether you got a good price for a colt or buried it made no
difference to me. You know that very well, but in your ugly mood you
won’t admit it.

   O’C. Well, it doesn’t matter a pin now anyway. The auction’s at
eleven o’clock. I was sorry this morning, but I’m glad now it’s so near.
Sale or no sale, I’m clearing out to-night.

   PEGGY. Do you mind telling me where you’re going?

   O’C. I wouldn’t mind telling anybody if I knew myself. But I’ve no
plans. I may go to South America or Australia. Some place where the
horse isn’t doomed for another generation.

   PEGGY. You and the horse!

   O’C. Yes, me and the horse! You’ll have no trouble on that score with
Joseph Kilroy. He couldn’t lead a horse to the forge.

   PEGGY. All the better for himself.

   O’C. As I said, I can go wherever I please. I’ve no home ties. I’m
that rare bird you often hear about in Ireland but seldom see--the last
man of his race.

   PEGGY. Well, Hugh, mother ’ill be in soon. I must say good-bye.

   O’C. Is that the whole farewell? Not even a handshake?

   PEGGY. What’s the good of it?

   O’C. None. It takes two to get the good of it. [_Buttoning his
jacket_] I apologise, Peggy, for having crossed your path.

   PEGGY. And I for crossing yours.

   O’C. You crossed mine at a critical time. I was twenty and riding
straight for the cliff. If you’d followed up your success and married me
there’d be no auction to-day.

   PEGGY. If!

   O’C. You needn’t have drawn my attention to that “if.” I know all
about it. My whole life has been a series of “ifs.” If an old woman
hadn’t put out her washing on a certain day, I wouldn’t have been an
orphan at three years old. If a gust of wind hadn’t blown her washing
across the road, my father’s horse would have trotted on home....

   PEGGY. Stop, Hugh! Please. I know the rest.

   O’C. If they’d kept the news from mother for three days she might
have survived the shock, and so might the infant brother....

   PEGGY. Hugh!

   O’C. If I hadn’t missed a train by two seconds I’d have a profession
to-day. If Uncle Hugh hadn’t run to catch a train by two seconds, he’d
be in Rush Hill and no auction to-day.

   PEGGY. You’re only reciting every man’s story, Hugh ... and many a
woman’s.

   O’C. It’s all blind and stupid and insolent. But one needn’t quarrel
with such despotism. I’m going, Peggy. If I don’t see you again--good
luck, good health, and good-bye. [_He is going off left._]

   PEGGY. A moment, Hugh. Here’s a clean collar. You look ghastly
without a collar.

   O’C. [_turns back_]. Gad, but that’s just like you, Peggy!... They
say it’s unlucky to turn back, but I think I can risk it. [_Putting on
collar_] This is like dressing a man before he goes out to be hanged.

   PEGGY. I’ll get you a clean handkerchief. [_She gets one, rolls the
jewellery in it and puts it in his pocket._]

   O’C. Sing something, Peggy.

   PEGGY. I don’t feel that way inclined. Sing something yourself.

   O’C [_sings_]. “Down by the salley gardens, my love and I did
meet....”

   PEGGY. Hugh O’Cahan, are you mad?

   O’C. No, nor sad. You challenged me to sing.

   PEGGY. God knows how men are built! I think if I were in your shoes
this morning I should drown myself.

   O’C. A lot of good that would do. The old world would go on spinning
as before. I don’t suppose they’d postpone the auction [_putting on the
tie_]. I believe a great many people ought to be drowned at baptism,
Peggy. It’s about their only chance of ever seeing the gates of heaven,
and ’twould save a lot of trouble down here later on. But there’s no
sense in letting a fellow grow up wild and then expect him to take a
near cut to the everlasting devil. I prefer Australia.

   PEGGY. Don’t talk wild, Hugh. You know I didn’t mean it.

   O’C. Are you getting afraid I might take a dip? You needn’t. I’ll die
in my own comfortable bed at 103, surrounded by--that’ll depend on what
I have to leave the watchers. No cash--no tears, no prayers, no
flowers.... How does this collar and tie sit me?

   PEGGY. All right. They improve you.

   O’C. Well, thank you for them very much. I’m off. Vale. [_He goes out
left, singing_] “She told me to take life easy, as the leaves grow on
the tree....”

   PEGGY [_listens_]. I hope he doesn’t knock down the plant.... He
never asked me to go with him. [_Listens._] No, he’s out past it.... He
might have kissed me, just once. [_She works quietly and shakes the
water from her eyes._] Well, well!


  _MRS. SCALLY comes in back. She is a sharp looking woman, aged
   sixty, an ex-schoolmistress. She has a paper and some mail in
   her hand._


   MRS. S. Did I not hear voices, Peggy?

   PEGGY. There’s nobody here, mother. Is the post past?

   MRS. S. Yes.

   PEGGY. Nothing for me?

   MRS. S. Nothing. [_Glancing at her_] You’ve been crying.

   PEGGY. That’s nothing new.

   MRS. S. Nothing new! What have you got to cry about?

   PEGGY. I don’t really know. The tears just come, and then I just let
them come. It’s very silly.

   MRS. S. That blackguard O’Cahan is likely to come over here to say
good-bye. He’s going away after the auction. You mustn’t see him.

   PEGGY. Hugh O’Cahan is no blackguard! He’s worth a gross of the
people who’ve helped to drag him down.

   MRS. S. Oh, indeed! Is that the way of it? Are you going to turn on
me because he’s left you in the lurch?

   PEGGY. I’m sorry, mother. I shouldn’t have spoken to you like that.
But you mightn’t try to hurt me. My three sisters can sneer quite enough
without your assistance.

   MRS. S. I said Hugh O’Cahan was a blackguard, and I repeat it.

   PEGGY. What exactly do you mean by a blackguard, mother?

   MRS. S. A worthless scoundrel.

   PEGGY. O’Cahan’s a fool. A fool to’ve gone in for horse-dealing with
a pack of thieves. That’s the worst can be said about him. If he were
vicious would ever I have spoken to him?

   MRS. S. Perhaps not--if you knew it.... When you finish what you’re
at, prepare the front bedroom. Your uncle has arrived in London from the
Far East and is coming to see us. Professor Tim.

   PEGGY. Pardon me, mother. You oughtn’t to call him a professor. He
isn’t a real professor.

   MRS. S. Well, of course, you with your convent training will know
better than your mother. What then do you call him?

   PEGGY. If he can be called anything in particular it’s a diviner.

   MRS. S. Dear bless me. A diviner?

   PEGGY. Yes, mother. A water-diviner. A person who can locate water
with a hazel rod is called a diviner.

   MRS. S. Well, while he remains here, he’s a professor. That’ll give
the neighbours something to talk about.

   PEGGY. I should say it will.

   MRS. S. It’s twenty years since he was last here. He was then
studying Geology. If by this time he isn’t a fully-fledged
professor--I’m mistaken.... I think you ought to be rather pleased that
your mother’s only brother is a cut above the ordinary. Your father’s
people aren’t much. Pig-dealers.


  _JOHN SCALLY comes in back. He is a sturdy little man with a
   thick brown beard, and ten years younger than his wife. He
   carries the salley switch with which he drove out the cows._


   JOHN. By the hokey, Briget, this is grand news! Outrageous. When’s
Professor Tim coming?

   MRS. S. He doesn’t say when. He’s just arrived in London from Africa.
He may come here any day.

   JOHN. I’ll be outrageous glad to see Professor Tim. Glad on your
account, Briget, and glad on his own.... But, three guesses, who’s
coming down our lane at this minute?

   MRS. S. Himself! The Professor.

   JOHN. Wrong, Briget. Guess again.

   MRS. S. Ach, don’t annoy me! Who’s coming?

   JOHN. Mr. James J. Kilroy, the Rural Councillor, and his son Joseph.
Hey! there’s more news for you.

   MRS. S. Well, keep on your head, John. We don’t owe the Kilroys
anything.

   JOHN. They’re driving. An atrocious fine pony and rubber-wheel trap.
I wonder what they want here, Briget. Such grand people.

   MRS. S. They’ll probably be able to explain that when they come in.
If their grandeur frightens you, it doesn’t frighten me. Go and meet
them and take them round to the hall door. And no scraping or touching
your hat to them. Don’t be a serf.

   JOHN. You’re a wonderful woman [_going_]. Outrageous.

   MRS. S. Stop a minute, John. How often have I told you to stop using
those two big words, outrageous and atrocious? Flinging them round you
like paving-stones, and the whole parish laughing at you.

   JOHN. It’s just a habit, Briget. Only a habit. I’ve tried my best to
drop them, but it beats me. I must try again. [_Goes out back._]

   MRS. S. Is the parlour tidy, Peggy?

   PEGGY. Yes. I dusted it and opened the windows.

   MRS. S. Did you know these people were coming?

   PEGGY. I thought they might drop in going past to the auction.

   MRS. S. Why, of course, that’s it. They’re going to the auction. Go
and let them in.

   PEGGY. Ah, mother, let them in yourself. I’m dirty.

   MRS. S. So am I. But I’m clean enough for the Kilroys. [_Goes out
left._]

   PEGGY. Now for the match-making! [_Voices are heard in the yard. She
goes to the window._] Oh, holy father!


  _JOHN ushers in through the back door JAMES KILROY and son
   JOSEPH._


   JOHN. The good-woman’ll kill me for bringing you in the back door,
Mr. Kilroy. She said I was to take you round to the front. We’ve a fine
hall door, sir. Varnished and all. Outrageous.

   KILROY. This is first rate, John. First rate. Good morning, Miss
Scally.

   PEGGY. Good morning, Mr. Kilroy.

   JOSEPH. Mornin’, Pegness!

   PEGGY. Good morning, Joseph.


  _MRS. SCALLY comes in._


   JOSEPH. Mornin’, mother Scally!

   MRS. S. Good morning, everybody. I told John to take you round to the
front, Mr. Kilroy. But you mightn’t try to tell John anything.

   KILROY. This is first rate, Mrs. Scally. First rate. [_Inspects it_]
Very clean and neat and up-to-date. Sanitary.

   MRS. S. Indeed it isn’t clean at all. We must get the whole house
cleaned down from top to bottom, for my brother--the Professor--is going
to pay us a visit shortly. He’s in London at present. He hasn’t been
home for twenty years.

   KILROY [_takes off hat_]. I never knew you’d a brother a professor. I
never heard of him.

   MRS. S. Oh, indeed, yes. Tim’s a professor. Won’t you sit down?

   KILROY. Thanks. [_Sits._]

   JOSEPH. I’ll make myself at home over here. [_Sits on table beside
PEGGY and teases her awkwardly._]

   KILROY. This scoundrel O’Cahan, the bank’s selling him up at last.

   MRS. S. Yes, the auction’s at eleven o’clock.

   JOHN. Aye, as Briget says, at eleven o’clock. Allison’s the
auctioneer....

   MRS. S. Silence, John. [_To KILROY_] He has nothing left to sell but
the land. Not a four-footed beast about the house....

   PEGGY. Excuse me, Joseph. [_She goes out back._]

   JOSEPH. Will I go with you, Peggy? [_No answer._] I’ll risk it
anyway. [_Goes out back._]

   MRS. S. [_smelling a rat_]. Joseph’s getting a fine young man.

   JOHN. Outrageous.

   KILROY. Between ourselves, Joseph’s a bit of a playboy. No real vice,
you know, but reckless and wild and full of animal spirits. I sent him
to an agricultural college, but they had to send him home. He was just
that wild. He put himself at the head of a band of gentlemen’s sons and
half wrecked the college, and then wrecked the town.

   MRS. S. [_laughs_]. I wouldn’t think a ha’porth of that. Students are
full of mischief.

   JOHN. Aye, as Briget says, full of life. Fine fellows, Mr. Kilroy.
Atrocious.

   KILROY. Now, John Scally, I want no more “mistering.” You and I kneel
in the same church, and after myself you’re the best respected people in
the parish. Call me James.

   MRS. S. That’s what I like to hear. No pride or nonsense.

   KILROY. I’m going over to this auction. What condition’s the place
in, John? I haven’t been up to Rush Hill for years.

   JOHN. The sun never warmed a better place, James. Never. Two hundred
acres of land like a carrot-bed. You could sow at Christmas....

   KILROY. I know the land’s good. But what about the house? They tell
me it’s in ruins....

   JOHN. It’s not in very good re----

   MRS. S. Silence, John.... The house inside is in ruins, James.
O’Cahan had a band of ruffians like himself playing cards there, and
last winter they burnt down the stairs and most of the woodwork....

   JOHN. For firewood, James. As Briget can tell you.

   KILROY. Well, to come to the point. The Bank has four thousand pounds
against it, and--but this is very private--the Bank wants me to buy it.

   MRS. S. Buy it, James. Buy it. You’ll never rue the day you bought
Rush Hill. Only that we bought a second farm last year, we’d buy it
ourselves.

   JOHN. As Briget says, buy it, James. Buy it. It’s an outrageous fine
sate....

   MRS. S. Silence, John.... It could be made a fine place, James.

   KILROY. Well, I’ve a bit of a plan worked out in my head. I’ll submit
it to you, Mrs. Scally, for I’ve a deal of faith in your judgment.

   JOHN. So well you may, James. She’s a head like an almanac.

   MRS. S. Silence, John. Let me hear your plan, James. Whatever you say
here is private.

   KILROY. I know that or I wouldn’t broach it. A public man has to know
who he’s talking to.

   MRS. S. Very true.

   JOHN. Very, as Briget says.

   KILROY. We were speaking about my son Joseph. He’s twenty-one years
old this morning.

   MRS. S. Bless him, I didn’t think he was near that.

   JOHN. Amen. I didn’t think he was sixteen.

   KILROY. Joseph comes into his legacy this morning--two thousand
pounds. His aunt’s money that died ten years ago.

   MRS. S. I remember when she died. God guard him, it’s a lot of money.

   JOHN. Amen. As Briget says, it’s a mint.

   KILROY. Pay good attention both of you to what follows. Seems Joseph
attended a Gaelic class last winter in somebody’s barn.

   MRS. S. In Cassidy’s barn. Peggy was there too.

   KILROY. The story goes that Joseph noticed Peggy there and became
attracted by her.

   MRS. S. We never heard that before.

   JOHN. We did not indeed, sir, or we mightn’t have allowed it.

   MRS. S. Silence, John. I didn’t mean it in that sense. Peggy Scally’s
good enough for any man in the parish to speak to. I only said we didn’t
know that she and Joseph were friendly, and we didn’t.

   KILROY. Shake hands, Briget. [_They shake._] I agree with every word
you say. Peggy Scally’s a match for the best man in this
constituency--and that man happens to be my son Joseph. I hope that’s
not bragging.

   JOHN. Aye! [_He is displeased._]

   MRS. S. [_smiling_]. That was very well put, James. I read all your
speeches at the Council and you always hit the nail on the head.

   KILROY. Thanks, Mrs. Scally. I’m ten years at that Council Board, and
that’s the first bit of criticism that ever entirely pleased me. You’re
a brainy woman, Briget.

   JOHN. Aye!

   KILROY. Now, prepare yourselves for a shock. Joseph told his mother
and me last night, plump and plain, that he means to marry Peggy Scally
or die in the attempt.

   MRS. S. Goodness gracious me! That’s a bombshell.... [_letting
herself go_]. Mercy save us again.... I’m dizzy.... John, d’ye hear what
he says?

   JOHN. Aye!

   KILROY. At first his mother--and indeed myself--objected most
strenuously. There’s no use in denying it. But he’s a Kilroy. He gave us
till this morning to consent, or hand him out his two thousand pounds
and he’d suit himself. That’s the sort of a boy Joseph is.

   MRS. S. [_on her dignity_]. May we ask, Mr. Kilroy, why you and your
wife objected so strenuously to the match?

   JOHN. Hey! That’s a good question, Briget. Outrageous.

   KILROY. And a very natural question, too. But when I submit the
reason I know you’ll appreciate it. Both his mother and myself
understood that Peggy was engaged to Hugh O’Cahan.

   JOHN. Aye. [_Sulks again._]

   MRS. S. There never was anything serious between Peggy and Hugh
O’Cahan, and I as strenuously objected to anything that might have
been.... Is that true, John?

   JOHN. Aye!

   KILROY. That satisfies me entirely, Briget. I told Mrs. Kilroy it was
only a rumour. But she was uneasy. You see the legacy come by her
sister....

   MRS. S. Well, till your wife comes over here and tells me out of her
own mouth that she’s satisfied, there’ll be no match--not if Joseph
owned a million.

   JOHN. Hey, James! What do you think of that? This lady of mine
doesn’t mince words.

   KILROY. I didn’t expect this, Briget. But it has to be met. When the
Council gets into a fix I have to get them out of it. [_Thinks._]
Listen, Briget. What’s the matter with you coming over to our place and
talking things over with Mrs. Kilroy? I’ll give you all the assistance I
can....

   MRS. S. I’ll want no assistance, James. I won’t go.

   JOHN. Hey!

   KILROY [_slowly_]. Well, maybe I’ll be able to manage Mrs. Kilroy
myself. You know what a mother is, Briget, where her oldest son is
concerned. She maybe had something bigger in her eye for Joseph.

   MRS. S. She may’ve had something bigger but she’d nothing better in
her eye then Peggy Scally. And you can tell your wife I said so.

   JOHN. Holy tattler! that’s the best yet. Honour where honour’s due.
Outrageous, Briget.

   KILROY. You’re making it very hard for me, Briget. You’ve no
conception of my difficulty....

   JOHN. I think I understand it, James....

   MRS. S. Silence, John.... There needn’t be any difficulty at all,
James. If my daughter’s not good enough for your wife there’s no harm
done. And if your wife’s coming, James, bring her to-night, for the
Professor may be here to-morrow and he mightn’t want to meet
strangers....

   KILROY [_slaps his leg_]. That’s the solution of the problem! There’s
no problem without a solution. Mrs. Kilroy has a weakness for
distinguished people. She’ll want to hear all about the Professor from
his sister. What time to-night, Briget, would suit your convenience?

   MRS. S. About six.

   KILROY. Good. She’ll come in that door on the stroke of six. And now
for the next item. If Joseph and Peggy make a match of it, what about
buying them O’Cahan’s farm? Eh? Rush Hill.

   JOHN [_gasps_]. Hey! Rush Hill.

   MRS. S. James Kilroy, you’re a big, bold, clear-headed man!

   KILROY. Are you only finding that out now, Briget? The people have
been saying that for years.

   MRS. S. I always knew you had ability. Your wife had none.

   KILROY. Quite right, Briget. And your husband had none. No offence,
John.

   JOHN. Oh, lord no, James! Nothing in that to take offence at. I never
put up to’ve ability. I’d no need of ability. I’ve always made my living
with my hands and feet.

   KILROY. Well, we know now where we stand. The next is a question of
money. If I buy Rush Hill will you stock it, Briget?

   JOHN. Hey! That’s one for yourself, Briget.

   MRS. S. That’s a very important item, James. It would take five or
six hundred pounds to stock it.

   KILROY. ’Twould take five. Could you give Peggy that much hard money
without hurting yourselves? It would mean big matches for your other
daughters.

   JOHN. Aye!

   MRS. S. There’s something in that, James. But if we give Peggy five
hundred, the others might expect the same, and we couldn’t afford it....
Tell me this, James. If Joseph’s legacy buys Rush Hill, where do you
come in? You wouldn’t be out a penny.

   JOHN. Hey! That’s one for you, James.

   KILROY. Joseph’s legacy won’t wink at buying it, Briget. We’ll be
very snug if another thousand buys it. I’ll have to raise that thousand
myself.... I mean I’ll have to go security for it.

   MRS. S. Well, buy it, James, and we’ll stock it. I want to see Peggy
and Joseph in Rush Hill.

   KILROY [_gets up and wipes his brow_]. I’d no idea that arranging a
match was so difficult. It’s a terrible strain. [_Looks watch._] You’ll
come over with me to the auction, John, and we’ll look about us before
it begins....

   JOHN. I’d as lief not go near it, James. I hate these auction-outs.

   MRS. S. Silence, John. Get your good coat and hat.

   JOHN. The neighbours is going to boycott it....

   KILROY. The more it’s boycotted, John, the better for you and me.

   JOHN. Then let’s all boycott it.

   KILROY. No, but let us go and bid a wicked bad price, then I can deal
with the Bank on my own terms.

   MRS. S. James Kilroy, I’ll speak out what’s in my mind. You’re the
best business man I ever come across, and I’m married to the worst....

   JOHN. Ah, Briget, Briget! That’s shockin’ unfair!

   KILROY. I don’t want to boast, Briget, [_expanding his chest_] but if
I’d got a woman of your calibre this parish wouldn’t have held me.

   MRS. S. I’m certain of it.

   JOHN. Ah, by the hedges, that’s cruelty to animals!... Where’s my hat
and coat, Briget?

   MRS. S. I’ll get them for you. Come into the other room, James. I
want to treat you.... Come along, John.

   JOHN. Aye, at your heel!


  _They are going off when JOSEPH comes in back linked on PEGGY._


   JOSEPH. Hi! look at this. You’re missing all the sights.


  _The others turn round._


   KILROY. Good man, Joseph! He’s won her. He’s a Kilroy. You couldn’t
stop the breed with a mountain battery!

   JOHN. Aye!

   MRS. S. Mercy, the cheek of young people nowadays! Aren’t you pair
ashamed of yourselves?

   JOSEPH. We glory in it! Hurrah!

   KILROY [_shouts_]. He’s a Kilroy! Thunder and lightning couldn’t
daunt the breed! Didn’t you wreck the college, Joseph?

   JOSEPH. Aye, and the town ’twas in.

   KILROY. Will you buy Rush Hill, Joseph?

   JOSEPH. You’ll buy it and I’ll pay it!

   KILROY. Well put. And Peggy’s mother’ll stock it.

   JOSEPH. Well put again. Go on, now, and leave us alone.

   MRS. S. [_laughing_]. He’s a Kilroy right enough.... Come on, men.
We’re not wanted here.


  _KILROY, JOHN and MRS. S. go into the room._


   JOSEPH. It’s all settled, Peggy. We’re as good as married. Amn’t I a
hero?

   PEGGY [_removing his arm_]. And a modest soul. [_Takes up iron._]

   JOSEPH [_sheepishly_]. Awh, Peggy.... Awh, now.... Just one. Gwon.

   PEGGY. Just one what?

   JOSEPH [_suffocating_]. Awh, you know yourself.... It starts with a
K.

   PEGGY. Gracious! I think I know what you mean. What a desperate
suggestion. What would your mother say, Joseph?

   JOSEPH. Awh, sure she wouldn’t know.

   PEGGY. But she might suspect.... Better run no risks, Joseph.

   JOSEPH [_drawing closer_]. Let her ... let her suspect....

   PEGGY. Mind the iron, Joseph. It’s hot....


  _He tries to kiss her and leaps back._


   JOSEPH. Moses, Moses! I’m roasted! [_Licks his hand._] If you weren’t
my own Peggy I’d say you tried to roast me!

   PEGGY. I’m sorry, Joseph. I told you it was pretty hot....

   JOSEPH. Awh, what do I care about a burn? I’d ram my hand into the
flames of the fire if I took a notion....

   PEGGY. You’re fearfully wild, Joseph.

   JOSEPH. Awh, you’ll soon tame me, Peggy. Tell me again. Isn’t all
over between you and O’Cahan?

   PEGGY. It’s all over, Joseph, only I haven’t quite forgotten him yet.

   JOSEPH. Awh, you’ll soon forget all about him. You’ll soon think of
nothing in the whole world but me. O’Cahan was a rap....


  _O’CAHAN stalks in the back door. He has the packet in his hand
   and the whip._


   O’C. There your presents, Peggy [_throws packet on table_]. I found
them in my pocket. Make jam of them. [_Wheels on JOSEPH_] Who’s a rap?

   JOSEPH [_cowering_]. Mind, my father’s in the room!

   O’C. Call him out.

   JOSEPH. I’ll soon call him if you lay a finger on me!

   O’C. [_hits him a scud with the whip_]. There! Call out the Rural
Councillor.

   JOSEPH [_backing away_]. I want no fighting with you.

   O’C. No, you’re a Kilroy. You burn down colleges and paint towns red
in your sleep. [_Draws off._] For two straws I’d put a lip on you!

   JOSEPH [_receding_]. My father’ll writ you! He’ll writ you. You’ll
not hit me with a whip....

   O’C. Bring out your father. I’ll put a lip on him too....

   PEGGY. Hugh, for goodness’ sake don’t make a scene. It isn’t worth
it.

   JOSEPH [_hugging the room door_]. You’ll see my father at the
auction. He’ll buy you up, stump and rump.

   O’C. And who’ll pay?

   JOSEPH. I’ll pay! I’m into my legacy this morning. Two thousand gold
sovereigns.

   O’C. Listen to me, gurnet. Your father has been swelling about on
that money for the last ten years. You’ll have some fun getting your two
thousand gold sovereigns, or I’m a fish. That’s why he brought you here
this morning--to stop your mouth with a woman. [_To PEGGY_] Now, Peggy.
There’s more news for you. You’ve broken with a bankrupt man to marry a
bankrupt prig.

   JOSEPH. Awh, you’ll see that at the auction....


  _PROFESSOR TIM comes in at back. He is an oldish man, in
   seafaring clothes, and looks an incarnate toper._


   PROF. [_swaying on his legs_]. Hallo! How’s all here?

   PEGGY. All well, thank you. Do you take meal or coppers?

   PROF. I take neither meal nor coppers, sweetheart. But you can gimme
a kiss if you like. Gum, I won’t object....

   O’C. [_draws out to floor him, but stops_]. Eh! Gad, that old face of
yours looks homely....

   PROF. And begum, mister, that fist of yours looks awful homely to me.
You draw out to scatter a man like an O’Cahan.

   O’C. Exactly. O’Cahan of Rush Hill.

   PROF. Sorry. Your pony and trap’s in trouble down the lane. It’s
turned turtle in a ditch....

   JOSEPH. It’s mine ... mine.... [_Runs out back._]

   PROF. [_looking around_]. I wonder to Gawd am I in the wrong shop
after all! Whose bungalow’s this?

   O’C. You’re all right, Professor. This is John Scally’s bungalow....

   PEGGY. What! Professor! Oh, sacred trust!

   PROF. Whoa, gal. Don’t be so obvious. [_To O’C._] Who’s this
exclamatory female?

   O’C. Your own niece, Professor. Miss Peggy Scally.

   PROF. Hallo, sweetheart! Gum, I’ve travelled seven times round the
world and never seen a sweeter face. [_Hobbles nearer PEGGY._] Shake
hands, pigeon, with uncle Tim. The old Professor....

   PEGGY. Go away! Keep back! [_Screams._] Mother! mother!


  _MRS. S. comes in._


   PROF. Hallo, sister Briget. Gum, you haven’t aged an hour.
Re-markable.

   MRS. S. [_stunned_]. Aaaaaah!

   O’C. Sister Briget doesn’t seem able to place you, Professor. You
must have changed a little yourself since you were here....

   PROF. Gum, man, I’ve been near dead a dozen times since that. Malaria
in Nigeria, yellow-jack in Panama, snake-bite in Siam, and various other
accidents by land and sea....

   O’C. And liquor.

   PROF. No, sir. I’m a strong temperance man. A bit of a temperance
crank, in fact. [_Chuckles._] Accidents by land and sea and soda water.

   MRS. S. So after raking the gutters of the world you’ve come back to
see us!

   PROF. Gum, it’s about time I’d pay my respects. Why it must be twenty
years since I lookt you up....

   MRS. S. Well, you’ve looked us up at last. You’ve seen me, and I’ve
seen you. Let that do you for the rest of your natural life. There’s the
door. Step out and don’t come back. We harbour no rakes here--young or
old.

   PROF. [_astonished_]. Gum, this is a surprise! This is a nice
reception to give the Professor brother after a lifetime abroad. It’s
downright unfriendly....

   O’C. A little chilly.

   PROF. A _little_ chilly! Mister, it’s frost and snow.

   MRS. S. Master Hugh, if you don’t hurry home you’ll not be in time
for your auction.

   O’C. Thanks, madam. I’m off. I’m not as far down as I thought. [_Goes
out back._]

   MRS. S. You ruffian! what brought you back here in that condition?

   PROF. Don’t ask double-barrelled questions, sister. My object in
coming here and the condition I arrive in are two different things. Take
it point by point.

   MRS. S. What brought you here at all?

   PROF. For a holiday. A complete rest.

   MRS. S. Well, you won’t rest here! Go and take a holiday where you
belong. Step out that door and never show your face again....

   PROF. [_totters over and sits on table_]. I’m awful tired ... been
travelling a deal lately....

   MRS. S. [_exasperated_]. Will you step out--before I pitch you out
the door?

   PROF. Pitch me out the door! You didn’t pitch me out the morning you
married Johnny Scally ... when I laid a hundred pounds in your lap....
Why, bust you, ’twas that hundred gave you and Johnny a start.

   MRS. S. [_a little subdued_]. I’ll give you a few shillings and
you’ll catch the first train. My family’s all grown up and you wouldn’t
want to affront us.

   PROF. Affront you? I’m not going to affront anybody. I’m going to
have a nice, quiet, respectable holiday along the moss edges.... Gum, I
want to pick some white heather....


  _JOHN, in black coat and hat, comes in, followed by KILROY. MRS.
   S. stands in front of PROF. to hide him._


   KILROY. Where’s Joseph?

   PEGGY. He ran down the lane. Something happened the pony....

   PROF. It’s turned turtle in a ditch....

   KILROY. Dang it all! [_Runs out back._]

   PROF. [_pushing Mrs. S. aside_]. Stand away back! What are you
crowding me up for?

   JOHN. Who the hedges is this, Briget?

   PROF. Hallo, Johnny! Gum, you stand the years like a brass button.
Greetings.

   JOHN. By the holy, it’s the Professor! Lord save us, such a case!
Such a wreck....

   PROF. Don’t be so obvious, Johnny. A man don’t look his best after a
long journey.... I’m tired....

   JOHN. Ah, poor Tim....

   MRS. S. Not another word, John....

   JOHN. Ah, Briget, let me shake hands with him....

   MRS. S. Silence! He’s going out of this. I’ll give him a few
shillings and he’ll catch the first train away. He’ll not be here!

   PROF. You won’t gimme a few shillings, sister, and I won’t catch the
first train away. I’m too glad to be here. I want a wash-up, and a good
feed of spuds and cabbage, and about a week’s sleep. I’m tired....

   MRS. S. [_grabs his arm_]. Come with me! I’ll show you what you’re
going to get....

   PROF. [_resists_]. Lemme go. I won’t budge....

   MRS. S. Come here, John, and lend a hand. We’ll help him outside....

   JOHN. I’d rather not, Briget....

   MRS. S. Come on--when you’re told! Or I’ll smash him and you both.

   JOHN [_assists_]. Come now, Tim. Come, like a good fella. I wouldn’t
hurt a hair of your head for the world....

   PEGGY. Mother! mother! the Kilroys are coming in....

   MRS. S. Come, John. Quick. We’ll keep them outside....


  _MRS. S. and JOHN go out back._


   PROF. Hallo, Peggy. Who did you say was coming? The poleece?

   PEGGY. Not at all. Two neighbours.

   PROF. [_musing_]. Gum, I’ve touched low water mark at last. Taken by
the scruff of the neck like a rat to be thrown out. [_Sobs and watches
the effect on PEGGY._] It’s hard, hard to be old and done and frail and
homeless and penniless and friendless. [_Drying his eyes._] That’s what
your friends would do for you.... But no matter.... Eaten bread’s
forgotten....

   PEGGY. Never mind, uncle.

   PROF. Eh! Your voice is kind. Calling me uncle, are you?

   PEGGY. Yes, why not?

   PROF. Plenty of whynots. I’m a returned empty, that’s the main
whynot.

   PEGGY [_impulsively_]. Empty or full, rich or poor, you’re my uncle
Tim! [_Shaking hands._] I’m glad to see you, uncle. Welcome home.

   PROF. Thanks, pigeon. You’ve a heart. From this minute till I die
I’ll have something kind to remember. Any more sisters, Peggy?

   PEGGY. Three sisters and three brothers.

   PROF. And where are they?

   PEGGY. They’re over at the other farm hay-making.

   PROF. Have you two farms now?

   PEGGY. Yes, we bought a second farm last year.

   PROF. Gum, your father deserves credit. He got a tartar of a wife. A
perfect shrew.

   PEGGY. Mother isn’t so bad. She just likes to boss....

   PROF. That’s obvious. An impossible woman. A victim of temper,
vocabulary, and spleen. Do you remember me being here before, Peggy?

   PEGGY. Quite well, uncle. You bought me a string of blue beads.

   PROF. I’m glad if I did. I don’t remember a thing about it. Bad
memory, Peggy. [_Looks at his empty hands._] Gum, I thought I’d a valise
in my hand. Have I no personal baggage at all?

   PEGGY. None with you.

   PROF. I must have dropt it in Paris or London.... I’m coming from
Nigeria, Peggy. Been coming from Nigeria by easy stages for months and
months. [_Looks at his clothes._] I wonder to Gawd where I got this
toggery? Looks like seafaring clothes.... Probably got them by mistake
in London.

   PEGGY. When did you arrive in Ireland, uncle?

   PROF. I haven’t the remotest idea. The last thing I remember is being
down at the docks in London. What day is this, Peggy?

   PEGGY. Monday.

   PROF. What date is it?

   PEGGY. The 6th July.

   PROF. July? Gum, I thought it was May.... There’s a big mistake
somewhere. The whole month of June’s blotted out.

   PEGGY. You’ve been drinking, uncle.

   PROF. Not a great deal, Peggy. Just enjoying myself.... Listen,
Peggy. Your mother’s likely to put me out. You’re the only friend I’ve
got in the world. Could you give me a little cash? Five pounds? I’m dead
broke.

   PEGGY. I could give you three pounds, uncle. It’s all the money I
have.

   PROF. Well, for Gawd’s sake, hurry up and get it.

   PEGGY. One minute. [_She goes into the room._]

   PROF. [_more alert, looking round_]. This is a comfortable spot. A
wandering man could find rest here. [_Recites_]

     “And as a hare, whom hounds and horn pursue,
      Pants to the place from whence at first she flew,
      I still had hopes, my long vexations past,
      Here to return--and die at home at last.”

What an autobiography I could give the Scallys, if they’d the wit to let
me stay here! A man with the dust of forty countries on his shoes....


  _PEGGY comes in with the money._


   PEGGY. Three pounds, uncle. Don’t let on to mother.

   PROF. [_taking it_]. No fear, Peggy. I know your mother of old.
[_Puts money in pocket._]

   PEGGY. Have you had any breakfast?

   PROF. I don’t know. [_Feels at his stomach._] I don’t think so....
Probably had something to eat yesterday. I’m not a big feeder, Peggy.
[_Takes out snuff box_] Have a pinch? Jockey Club.

   PEGGY. Oh, gracious heavens! Don’t let mother see that. Do you snuff?

   PROF. That’s obvious. [_Takes snuff._] Clears the head, Peggy. I feel
better already.... If your mother wasn’t so hostile I could stay here
long enough. Would you mind, Peggy?

   PEGGY. Not if you behaved yourself.... Whisht!


  _MRS. S. comes in very warlike._


   MRS. S. Are you still here?

   PROF. That’s obvious. Where did you think I’d be? Evaporated?

   MRS. S. Have you no spirit left?

   PROF. I’ve far too much spirit. I’m all spirit. What I want is more
physical ability.

   MRS. S. Oh, you disgrace! You prodigal! You vagabond! That the very
smell of the house is insufferable....

   PEGGY. It’s only snuff, mother. If you leave him to me he’ll give no
trouble. I’ll get him something to eat and he’ll rest and go away.

   MRS. S. He’ll never break bread in my house! He’ll never sleep under
my roof! God only knows where he’s coming from, or what plague he has
with him.

   PROF. My only plague is poverty. A chronic attack of penury. It
arises from an absence of brass in the vest pocket. And at my age it’s
incurable.


  _JOHN comes in back._


   JOHN. Now, Tim, your own sister won’t have you here. I’ve got my
orders to shift you. It’s a dirty job, but you needn’t blame me. I’m
only carrying out my orders. Come now, like a good fella. I’ll drive you
in to the station and buy you a ticket for some big town....

   PROF. You won’t let me stay to rest?

   MRS. S. No. You’re not fit to be in human habitation.

   PROF. I’m a sick man. A broken man.

   MRS. S. You weren’t too sick to come and affront us.... You prodigal!

   JOHN. Easy now, Briget. It’s a fearful thing to turn your face away
from a broken man. We’re all prodigals ... and we’ll all have to crawl
back some day....

   MRS. S. Silence, you! It’s me’s turning him out. He’ll not be here!

   PROF. [_struggling to his feet_]. All right, sister, I’m going. I can
crawl back the road I come.

   MRS. S. John’ll drive you to the station and see you off. You’re not
going to affront us--crawling along the road like that....

   PROF. [_draws a seaman’s knife_]. Let you and Johnny and everybody
else mind their own business. If anybody tries to stop me I’ll defend
myself. [_Going off back._]

   MRS. S. Don’t let him out, John! Stop him....

   JOHN. By hokey, I’ll do nothing of the kind. That man’d think little
of knifing me. He’s a sailor.

   PEGGY [_goes to PROF. at door_]. Give me that knife, uncle. Please.

   PROF. Sorry, pigeon. I couldn’t get along without that knife. It’s
the knife I cut my food and baccy with.

   PEGGY. Well, put it in your pocket. Nobody’s going to stop you.
You’ll come over with me to the old kitchen and I’ll get you something
to eat....

   MRS. S. Never!

   PEGGY. Mother, I’ll feed him! Nobody knows whose turn it may be next.

   JOHN. God bless you, Peggy. Feed him.


  _PROF. puts knife in pocket. KILROY and JOSEPH come in back.
   They stand staring at PROF._


   PROF. Bless you, Peggy. You’re as good as you look. I’ll go with you
like a lamb.

   PEGGY. Come on. I’ll help you across.


  _PEGGY leads PROF. out back._


   KILROY. Who’s that ould viper? I seem to know his face. [_Sniffing_]
The smell of snuff and fish and whiskey would poison you!

   MRS. S. It’s not drink, James. He’s a poor man, with the palsy or
something, and Peggy always feeds him in the old kitchen.

   KILROY. Well, lord knows how she does it. She’ll surely get a
powerful reward in heaven. For I couldn’t go next or near him.

   JOSEPH. I could go near him! I’ll go over and give him a penny.

   MRS. S. You mustn’t, Joseph. He doesn’t like strangers. He wouldn’t
take a penny even from me.

   KILROY [_looks watch_]. John, are we going to this auction? If we are
it’s time we were away. We won’t have much time to look about us....

   MRS. S. Go, in God’s name, and buy it. I’m determined to see Peggy
and Joseph in Rush Hill before a month....

   JOSEPH. Aye--before a week! Come on, father. [_Goes out back._]

   KILROY. He’s a Kilroy! [_Goes out back._]

   JOHN [_calls after him_]. I’ll follow you in a minute, James. [_To
MRS. S._] Don’t you turn out that unfortunate till I come back.

   MRS. S. Why not?

   JOHN. Because it’s not right. It’s not Christian. It’s not human. Tim
give us a fine start the morning we were married.

   MRS. S. You’ve a very long memory.

   JOHN. And you’ve a very short one.

   MRS. S. Step on. He’ll not be here.

   JOHN. If you turn him out he’ll die on the road.

   MRS. S. If he does we can bury him. Step on.

   JOHN. I may go. But not in God’s name. I’m not enough of a Scribe and
Pharisee for that. We couldn’t have luck after this day’s work. We don’t
deserve it. [_Goes out back._]

   MRS. S. Soft John! You’d give him the shirt off your back. And he’s
the boy would take it. But he won’t be here when you come back. Not if I
have to drive him in to the station myself and ship him! [_Sniffing_]
Mercy! the smell of this house ... snuff or something. [_Opens all the
doors and windows and comes back to the centre._] If the Kilroys see him
or get to know who he is--that ends everything....


  _PEGGY comes in shaking her head._


   PEGGY. We’re lost, mother. He’s gone off across the fields to the
auction.

   MRS. S. [_shrieks_]. What! Gone to the auction! Why did you let him
out?

   PEGGY. Because I couldn’t keep him in. He threatened me with the
knife. The man’s either an eccentric, or he’s crazy....

   MRS. S. [_sinks on a chair_]. Oh, Lord above! Am I to be persecuted
and afflicted off the face of the earth? Or why do You permit these
people--one and all of them--to make my life a misery? Why, why?


                               _Curtain_


------------------------------------------------------------------------




                                 ACT II


_O’CAHAN’S dining-room. Windows look out on lawn. Door from the hall._

_The room has a general tumble-down appearance. There are pictures of
race-horses, jockeys, and a large portrait of O’CAHAN’S deceased uncle
on the walls. A few silver cups and other trophies are piled on the
sideboard._

_MOLL FLANAGAN, a squat, middle-aged maid, is trying to hang a clean
curtain. The sun has darkened, and the bluish light suggests rain._

   MOLL. Och, hum, anee oh! May the curse of Cain fall on anyone who
comes to the auction, and may they roast forever in eternal torments
that buy it over his unfortunate head! [_Fights with curtain_] Blast
you, stay up!


  _O’C. comes in and looks around for a book._


   O’C. Well, Moll, are you spring cleaning?

   MOLL. I’m trying to make it a wee bit dacent-looking, dear.

   O’C. I think the shutters would be more suitable.

   MOLL. We’ll keep a bold front as long as we can.

   O’C. But aren’t you a little foolish to hang clean curtains for
somebody else?

   MOLL. God look down to your wit if you think I’m hanging them for
somebody else! It’s for our own bit of respect and dacency. And God look
down to your wit if you think Moll Flanagan won’t tear them down after
the auction.

   O’C. [_going to bookcase_]. Suit yourself, Moll. You’re the
housekeeper.

   MOLL. And I’ll tear down more than the curtains. I’ll not leave a
whole pane of glass in the house, nor a square inch of plaster on the
walls or ceilings that I won’t smash off with the hatchet. And they’ll
be lucky if I don’t burn it to the ground.

   O’C. You mustn’t do anything of the kind, Moll. I draw the line at
vandalism. Don’t you see him watching you?

   MOLL. Who’s watching me?

   O’C. [_pointing to portrait_]. Uncle Hugh. If you start smashing
anything he’ll come out of his frame and speak to you.

   MOLL. God knows, he’s speaking to me all the time, and his eyes
following me everywhere.... Hide the hatchet then, so I won’t be
tempted.

   O’C. You didn’t happen to see a small book with a greenish cover
lying around here? Lindsay Gordon’s poems?

   MOLL. I’m sure it’s burnt. I’ve been lighting the fire with books
this three days.

   O’C. If I saw you lighting the fire with a book, Moll, I’d put you in
the oven. [_Finds the book_] Here it is. It has escaped you. [_Opens the
book at random and reads._]

     “Life is mostly froth and bubble.
      Two things stand like stone:
      Kindness in another’s trouble,
      Courage in your own.”

That bucks a fellow up, Moll.

   MOLL. The uncle--God be gracious to him--was dying about that wee
book.

   O’C. [_turning the leaves_]. I’m looking for something to make my
blood start circulating. Listen to this, Moll. [_He rattles off._]

     “She passed like an arrow Kildare and Cock Sparrow,
      And Mantrap and Mermaid refused the stone wall;
      And Giles on the Grayling came down at the paling
      And I was left sailing in front of them all.”

   MOLL. Many a time I heard the uncle at that. But this was his
favourite bit, and he’d rhyme it over fifty times a day. [_She half
sings it._]

     “She rose when I hit her, I saw the stream glitter,
      A wide scarlet nostril flashed close to my knee;
      Between sky and water the Clown came and caught her,
      The space that he cleared was a caution to see.”

Fancy that now. Passing him in mid-air going over the water-lep.

   O’C. [_laughing_]. Good man, Moll! One other spasm. Please. It does
me good to hear you.

   MOLL. Let me see then. God knows I’d make a fool of myself to hear
your laugh. [_She recites._]

     “She raced at the rasper, I felt my knees grasp her,
      I found my hands give to her strain on the bit;
      She rose when the Clown did--our silks as we bounded,
      Brushed lightly, our stirrups clashed loud as we hit.”

   O’C. Magnificent, Moll! Splendid! [_Drying his eyes_] That’s the best
thing I’ve heard for a long time, Moll. If I find myself at Lindsay
Gordon’s grave I’ll put an extra flower on it for Moll Flanagan.

   MOLL. Where is he buried? In Dublin, is it?

   O’C. Certainly. In Glasnevin.

   MOLL. He hadn’t an Irish name, but he was a great poet-maker anyway.

   O’C. Is Paddy Kinney never back from town?

   MOLL [_looking out of window_]. He’s coming up the avenue at this
precise minute.

   O’C. Well, if you want me I’ll be in the kitchen, reading bits of
Gordon to the Professor.

   MOLL. All I can say is--you’re very idly employed. For I never seen a
monument of desolation like that man walking the world. What’s he a
professor av? What’s he profess to be?

   O’C. Theology.

   MOLL. Theology! And do they give him nothing to live upon? Lord help
us, he’s in ruins. He’s like a rat-catcher.


  _PADDY KINNEY, an oldish groom, comes in. He has various
   parcels, including a paper bag with a lady’s hat._


   O’C. Well, Paddy, you seem to’ve raised the wind again. You’re laden
like a bee in June.

   PADDY. Raised the wind, is it! My sowl, your credit’s as good as the
Bank of Ireland. I could finance a new railway by naming your name.

   O’C. It would be a short railway, Paddy, and a very narrow gauge. But
never mind. What have you with you? I didn’t tell you to bring anything.

   PADDY. I’ve home money and value. I tell you I was actually refusing
obligements at the heels of the hunt. Wait till you see that basket of
stuff in the hall. Corn-beef, cakes, and porter galore.

   O’C. [_shrugs_]. Many people gathering down at the road?

   PADDY. I see nobody but big, blustering Kilroy, and the son at his
fut--like a spent foal--and John Scally. I suppose the wife made John
toe the line....

   O’C. Call me when the auctioneer comes. I’m in the kitchen. [_Goes
out._]

   PADDY [_bitterly_]. Scoff and roast the town of Ballykennedy! That I
may live to see nettles fourteen feet high growing on its main street.
The people he spent hundreds of pounds with wouldn’t gimme a pot of jam
without the money.

   MOLL. How then did you get all the provisions you’ve home with you?

   PADDY. I paid for them out of my own bit of savings. Ten pounds I’d
past me for a rainy day. Twenty years’ gathering.

   MOLL [_comes from window_]. Did you get me anything for my head?

   PADDY. I got you a hat. And a dress. That’s what kept so
long--choosing them. I’ll never undertake a work of the kind again if I
live forever.

   MOLL [_excited_]. Show me the hat, Paddy. Quick. Quick.

   PADDY. You’ll put the dress on first. You wouldn’t want to put the
dress on over the hat, would you? You always put the saddle on a horse
before the bridle.


  _He opens a parcel and takes out a red dress with black spots._


   MOLL. I don’t like it!

   PADDY. Well, blessid and holy Moses, such cheek! You don’t like it?

   MOLL. I never liked red.

   PADDY. Because you never had any taste! Weren’t you and your clothes
always a born fright! Here, on with it now.

   MOLL [_takes dress_]. Go you out of the room before I on with it.

   PADDY. Gwon, get into it! I’m not looking at you at all. I’ve
something else in my mind this minute than your figure.

   MOLL. Well, turn your back, Paddy, like a decent man.

   PADDY [_going to window_]. Blast you and your modesty! You’d think
you were sixteen. Hurry up now, or I’ll wheel on you.


  _MOLL puts dress on._


   MOLL. All right, Paddy. You can turn now.

   PADDY [_turning_]. It’s a pome. You’re like the pillar of fire that
walked before Moses.

   MOLL [_twisting_]. How does it look at the back?

   PADDY. Could you not tighten the girths a little?

   MOLL [_tightening it_]. It should have a belt.... Is that better?

   PADDY. I asked the shopkeeper if there wasn’t a surcingle, and he
said surcingles are out of fashion.

   MOLL [_trying to look at her heels_]. How does it look round at the
back, Paddy?

   PADDY. Jog across there a few paces.

   MOLL. Lord, it’s not a horse you’re vittin.

   PADDY. How then can I see your back if you don’t give me a show? Jog
on. [_MOLL obeys._] Woah! Stand up straight.... Draw yourself together
now and come on with the head well up, and shorten your stride a little.
[_MOLL obeys._] Woah. It has just one fault. It’s far too stylish for
the like of you.

   MOLL [_pleased_]. Oh, that’s a good fault. I’ll keep it. Let me see
the hat now.


  _He takes out a bilious-looking hat entwined with varnished
   cherries._


   PADDY. Put that on your head now. And then look in the glass.

   MOLL. Oh, it’s a beauty! Oh, I like the hat, Paddy. But I haven’t a
hat-pin....

   PADDY. There you are. Two of them. [_Hands her two pins._]

   MOLL [_putting hat on_]. God knows, Paddy Kinney, you’re a marvel.
You forget nothing.

   PADDY. A man that’s looked after leppin’ horses for twenty years
doesn’t forget much.

   MOLL. And to be a man you’re tasty.

   PADDY. A man that’s attended Dublin Horse Show for twenty years
should know when a woman’s dressed.

   MOLL. Wait till I see how it looks. [_Goes to a mirror and stands
twisting her neck._]

   PADDY. Take care you don’t twist your neck out of joint.... My God,
the vanity of wimin!

   MOLL [_turning_]. Isn’t it simply gorgeous, Paddy?

   PADDY. You’ve left me without a word to say. It’s a pome.

   MOLL. I’m well pleased with everything, Paddy. What did they cost?

   PADDY. They cost you nothing at all. They’re an acknowledgment for
all the imperence and washing and patching you’ve done for me.... Your
health to wear them.

   MOLL. Ah, Paddy, Paddy....

   PADDY. Not another word now or I’ll rise and lep through my weskit.

   MOLL. But ’twas too much, Paddy....

   PADDY. No more, I say. It’s our last day under this roof, and you can
face the world now well dressed and respectable. With that rig you’ll
have no trouble getting new service....

   MOLL. Whisht ... whisht!


  _O’C. and PROF. come in._


   O’C. The Professor wants to speak to you, Paddy.

   PROF. Hallo, Paddy Kinney. Gun, I’d know your old phizog in a Sahara
sandstorm.

   PADDY. Well, in sowl, you’ve the advantage of me ... for asleep or
awake I’ve never seen you before.

   O’C. Nonsense, Paddy. You know him all right. Mrs. Scally’s
brother--Professor Tim.

   PADDY. Ah, surely to God! It’s Tim of the hazel rod [_shaking
hands_]. And how’s every inch of you, Professor?

   PROF. Gum, Paddy, I’m not as robust as I was. But I’m not getting any
younger. And I’ve been travelling a deal lately. I’m tired.

   PADDY. You want a month on the grass with the shoes off.

   PROF. Exactly, Paddy. Complete rest.

   PADDY. Well, I’m glad to see you, Professor. Keep a good spirit.
Plenty of good mate and drink and the pure air ’ill soon bring you into
condition.

   PROF. But where am I going to get all that, Paddy? The Scallys don’t
want me. My own sister pushed me out of doors.

   PADDY. And for a man that has travelled the world--what did you
expect?

   PROF. I didn’t expect much, Paddy. That’s true. But I didn’t reckon
on being pushed out of doors.

   PADDY. Well, that’s where you made a mistake, Professor. For when a
man comes down in the world as far as he can get, his own relations give
him the last kick.... There’s a couple of bob, Tim. I wish it was more.
But there’s a basket of corn-beef, cakes, and porter in the hall. You
can help yourself.

   PROF. [_taking money_]. Thanks, Paddy. Gum, you’re a good Irishman.

   PADDY. Yerra, nonsense! Sure an ould timer’s an ould timer whether
he’s down or up.

   O’C. The Professor wants you to see about a valise, Paddy.

   PADDY. With all my heart.

   PROF. I’ve dropped it somewhere, Paddy. It’s either at Ballykennedy
station or London.

   PADDY. I’ll try Ballykennedy station first, I think.

   PROF. Gum, yes. You’d get lost in London.

   O’C. You can go in after a bit, Paddy.... Come on, Professor....

   MOLL. Are you not looking at my new dress, master?

   O’C. I’ve been looking at nothing else, Moll. You’re a picture. [_To
PADDY_] There’s a French milliner lost in you, Paddy.

   PROF. Gum, Moll, I’ve travelled seven times round the world and never
seen a more devastating colour scheme. You’re like a bird of paradise.

   MOLL. I wouldn’t like to be too peacockish.

   PROF. You’re not a bit too peacockish. You’re more of a macaw.


  _PROF. and O’C. go out._


   PADDY. So that’s the end of Professor Tim! That man’s as far down as
he can get. And I mind him a nice young fellow, and a devil for fun.
He’d put a white sheet on himself and sit for a whole night moaning on
the graveside wall.... Poor Tim.

   MOLL. He’s an eye for a well-dressed woman anyway. Seven times round
the world and never seen the beat of it.

   PADDY. He’ll go round it seven times more before he sees the like of
it.

   MOLL. I must take great care of it, Paddy. [_Takes hat off._] I’ll
keep the dress on till after the auction.

   PADDY [_takes out a new trotting collar and tie_]. This is for
myself. And listen to me, Moll Flanagan, and don’t breathe a word of
this till the master....

   MOLL. Lord save us, Paddy, but you can look la-mentable serious.
You’re not going to mention marriage....

   PADDY. I haven’t the least notion of marriage. I’ve trouble enough
without marrying more.

   MOLL. That’s pure imperence.

   PADDY. Listen you to what I’m saying. Isn’t there a black coat and
hat of the ould master’s upstairs?

   MOLL. There’s a full black suit, not a pin the worse. And a beautiful
hat.

   PADDY. Well, take and brush them well and slip them round to the
stable. And don’t let a living sowl see you. I’m going to dress up like
a country squire and make the Kilroys pay for Rush Hill.

   MOLL. My darlin’ Paddy! Lord, but that’s a noble trick.... I’ll brush
them like a new pin and take them round under my apron.

   PADDY. By my sowl, if we have to get out cheap, the Kilroys ’ill have
to come in dear. I’ll salt it to the very bone.

   MOLL. Hide the collar and tie.... I hear someone coming in....


  _PEGGY comes in._


   PEGGY. Where is Mr. O’Cahan?

   MOLL. In the kitchen, honey.

   PEGGY. Anyone with him?

   MOLL. A Professor of Theeology.

   PADDY. Mind your tongue now, Moll.

   PEGGY. It’s all right, Paddy. Moll wouldn’t sting me.

   MOLL. God knows I wouldn’t. I love the ground you walk on.

   PEGGY. Tell Mr. O’Cahan to come here, Moll. You needn’t say who wants
him.

   MOLL. Not a word, dear. [_Going, but turns back_] Do you like my new
dress, Miss Peggy?

   PEGGY. Very much indeed, Moll. It’s quite smart.

   MOLL. It’s a thought too stylish for the likes of me, but it’s a good
fault. The hat to match it is in the bag. Show it to her, Paddy. [_Goes
out._]

   PADDY [_very serious_]. Are you going to marry him, Peggy?

   PEGGY. I’m afraid not, Paddy. Things have gone against us.

   PADDY. That’s the very time to lay your cheek to the mane and ride
for your life ... when the race is all but lost.

   PEGGY. It’s not so easy, Paddy.

   PADDY. O’Cahan always rides hardest in the rocky field.... You’ll
never find a mate like Hugh O’Cahan.

   PEGGY. I know it.

   PADDY. And such an archangel on a horse! Lord, ’twas a pome to watch
him taking the stone wall. And the double-bank, he’d touch it as light
and airy as a thistledown....

   PEGGY. I know, Paddy. I know.

   PADDY. Says the white-haired Judge, tucking the red roseatte in the
bridle, “I’ve never in the coorse of a long life,” says he, “beheld such
classical leppin.” ... That was a day!

   PEGGY. I know, Paddy.

   PADDY. Did I ever tell you the story about the big brown horse,
Havoc, the time he gave a great lunge and pulled O’Cahan out of the
saddle and up on his neck?...

   PEGGY. You did, Paddy. You told me all about it ... several times....
You’ll have to excuse me, Paddy. I want a few words privately with
Hugh....

   PADDY. Certainly. I’ll pull out the minute he comes in.... But do
what I tell you now. Go with him wherever he goes. He’s only
five-and-twenty. Put your money on O’Cahan, Peggy. At thirty he’ll be
one of the successful men of the world.... [_He dries the sweat off his
brow._]

   PEGGY. He’s a three-quarter Vet. as it is. Why doesn’t he finish?

   PADDY. Aye--to vet Ford cars.... It’s disgusting! The blight is upon
us, Peggy. The horse is going, the O’Cahans are going, and the Paddy
Kinneys are doomed.... It’s Ireland’s tragedy, but she doesn’t know it.

   PEGGY. I hear him coming, Paddy.

   PADDY. All right, I’m going. But don’t forget Paddy Kinney’s warning,
or you’ll never know happiness again. Without O’Cahan by your side you
won’t know the summer from the winter but by the leaves on the
bushes....


  _O’C. comes in, looking displeased. PADDY goes out, doleful._


   PEGGY. I see you’re angry, Hugh. But mother sent me after uncle Tim.

   O’C. I’m not angry. I’m ashamed of this place.

   PEGGY. I’m not looking at the place at all. Is uncle in the kitchen?

   O’C. Yes.

   PEGGY. Will you tell him to go home? Mother wants him back.

   O’C. I’m not holding him. But I won’t ask him to go. That would be
breaking an old custom in this house.

   PEGGY. Will you let me see him?

   O’C. I think he’s coming in.... [_Calls_] Come in, Professor.

   PEGGY. Hugh, don’t call him Professor.... It hurts.


  _PROF. comes in eating biscuits and cheese._


   PROF. Hallo, pretty Peggy. Have you tracked me down already?

   O’C. I’ll leave you....

   PEGGY. You needn’t, Hugh.... Uncle Tim, you’re to come home.

   PROF. Want the luxury of throwing me out again?

   PEGGY. I didn’t throw you out.

   PROF. Your mother did.

   PEGGY. Well, she wants you back. She sent me to fetch you. The
stationmaster has sent out your valise....

   PROF. Your mother must think it contains something valuable.
[_Chuckling._] Gum, she’s mistaken. The contents are some old clothes
and a hazel rod--the symbol of my profession.

   PEGGY. Hugh, won’t you tell him to come with me? Please.

   O’C. He can suit himself, Peggy. He knows how matters are here.

   PROF. I’ll stroll over after a bit, Peggy. We’re going to’ve an
auction here. Gum, I’ll stay till it’s over.... See a bit of Irish life.


  _PADDY puts his head in._


   PADDY. There’s a railway porter here with an ould port-mantle. He
wants a tip.

   PROF. Gum, Paddy, you’ve got a sense of humour. [_Going_] I thought
I’d dropped it in London. [_Goes out._]

   PEGGY. Are the Kilroys here?

   O’C. Yes, they’re hovering around somewhere--like jackals.

   PEGGY. They’re going to buy Rush Hill for Joseph and me.

   O’C. So I believe.

   PEGGY. And you don’t mind?

   O’C. Don’t mind? That’s a rather funny question. Suppose I did mind.
Would that alter it?

   PEGGY. You never know. Marrying Joseph Kilroy is one thing, but
coming to live here is another.

   O’C. If you can do the one you can do both.

   PEGGY. I may do neither. What time are you leaving here to-night?

   O’C. Whatever time the last train goes. Seven o’clock, I think.

   PEGGY. I’m going to ask you a pointed question, Hugh. How much money
have you?

   O’C. I got two hundred pounds for Havoc. I’ve that, but I’ve to pay
for a colt out of it. Forty pounds.

   PEGGY [_takes out packet_]. These presents would make two hundred
more. If you don’t sell them, I will!

   O’C. Suit yourself.

   PEGGY. Will you call at our house before you go?

   O’C. What’s the idea, Peggy?

   PEGGY. Never mind that now. Will you call?

   O’C. Some new notion. I’ll call anyhow. About six.

   PEGGY. Thanks. [_Puts the packet in her pocket._] I’ll expect you at
six.... I’ll go now and try and get uncle Tim to come home with me....


  _PROF. comes in with an old valise, plastered with innumerable
   labels._


   PROF. Gum, this old valise and me have seen some ups and downs. [_He
puts it on a chair and fumbles for the key._] I’ve dropped it in Paris,
and picked it up in Honolulu....

   PEGGY. Aren’t you coming home, uncle?

   PROF. It’s been stolen in London and restored to me in Japan. [_He
opens it._] A man might as well try to lose his third wife....

   PEGGY. Aren’t you coming home, uncle?

   PROF. [_takes out a cleft hazel rod_]. I’m going to do a little
professional work. I’ve an idea this house is built on a spring. [_He
starts prospecting for water._]

   PEGGY. Uncle!

   O’C. Leave him alone, Peggy. It’s interesting.

   PROF. There’s water here, somewhere. [_The rod vibrates._] Wo, gal!
[_The rod dips quickly._] Gum, this is powerful! [_The rod twists itself
violently out of his hands._] Three springs converge to a point at fifty
feet, Hugh.

   O’C. It must be a lake.

   PROF. A lake has got no life. It’s dead. A spring has a pulse and
lives. I can hear a spring breathing.

   PEGGY. Now, uncle, aren’t you coming home? You’ve done very well.
You’ve shown us up....

   O’C. Yes, you’d better go home with your niece, Tim. I’ll see you
again before I go away.

   PROF. Right, boss. [_He puts the rod in the valise and is going out
with PEGGY._]

   O’C. If you leave your valise in the hall I’ll send Paddy over with
it.

   PEGGY. Thanks, Hugh. [_She and the PROF. go out._]

   O’C. [_calls_]. Are you there, Paddy?

   MOLL [_off_]. Paddy’s in the stable, master. [_She comes in._] Is it
anything very urgent?

   O’C. No. You can tell Paddy to take the Professor’s valise over to
Scally’s later on.

   MOLL. I’ll tell him. [_Sighing_] Och, hum! I hate to break the news,
master. But the auctioneer’s coming....

   O’C. I heard the car, Moll. Let him come. The sooner it’s over the
better. [_Looking out_] It’s going to rain....

   MOLL [_going_]. I hope it rains heavens hard ... and drowns the
grabbers! [_Goes out._]

   O’C. [_turns uncle’s portrait face to wall_]. Poor old man! You
mustn’t see the last act in this drama.


  _MR. ALLISON comes in, attaché-case in hand._


   ALLISON. Good morning, Mr. O’Cahan. You’ll hardly believe this. I’d
rather go a thousand miles than do this job.

   O’C. I certainly don’t believe a word of it, Sam. But I quite
understand--you have to say something. Even the undertaker has to say
something.

   ALLISON. Perhaps you’ll believe this. I take no special pleasure in
selling you up.

   O’C. That’s better. You’ve no respect of person. The sale’s the
thing.

   ALLISON. You’re cynical.

   O’C. Just the least bit. But you can believe this, Sam. If there’s
anything in it, since it has to be sold anyhow, I’d rather see you here
than anyone else.

   ALLISON. Thanks, Hugh. I know it.... James Kilroy is going to buy it.

   O’C. So I’m told.

   ALLISON. Have you anyone here to run it up on him?

   O’C. No, sir. I don’t believe in doing dirty work for the Bank.

   ALLISON. Paddy Kinney has destroyed all chance of a sale. He made a
house-to-house canvass and got the neighbours to boycott the auction.

   O’C. If he did I knew nothing about it. But it’s like a thing Paddy
would do.

   ALLISON. I’m going to tell you a secret, Hugh. The Bank’s reserve is
three thousand pounds. If it doesn’t make that at the auction it won’t
be sold.

   O’C. It won’t make it.

   ALLISON. Then Kilroy’ll have a private deal with the Bank. You see?
You ought to’ve had someone here to run it up.

   O’C. My dear sir, sale or no sale, I’m clearing out to-night. I don’t
care whether it makes three thousand pounds or three-ha’pence.

   ALLISON. Oh, that’s different.


  _KILROY, JOSEPH, and JOHN appear in the doorway._


   KILROY. I hope we’re not intruding. It’s going to rain.

   O’C. No intrusion. This is an auction. Come in.


  _All three come in. O’C. stands on the hearth-rug and trims his
   finger-nails._


   KILROY. You’re not going to’ve a big crowd, Mr. Allison.

   ALLISON. Evidently not.

   O’C. The number of local grabbers is smaller, Mr. Kilroy, than you
thought.

   KILROY. I don’t like the way you put that, sir!

   O’C. I thought you wouldn’t like it. That’s why I put it that way.

   KILROY [_hotly_]. Do you call me a grabber?

   O’C. Now, now. Don’t lose your head. This isn’t the Rural Council.

   KILROY. By heavens, O’Cahan, you and your uncle always treated me
like dirt!

   O’C. We always liked to treat a man as we found him.

   KILROY. But it’s my turn now. I’m here to buy Rush Hill, and I don’t
care who it angers or who it pleases.... Now, Mr. Allison, read the
terms. It’s long after eleven o’clock.


  _PADDY comes in dressed like a man of means._


   PADDY. Is the sile ovah?

   ALLISON. No, sir. It’s not on yet.

   PADDY. Awh, that’s lucky.

   KILROY. Read the terms, Mr. Allison.

   ALLISON. I’ll go out to the front steps....

   KILROY. Well, come ahead. I don’t care where you read them.


  _KILROY, JOSEPH, PADDY, JOHN, and ALLISON go out._


   O’C. [_stands listening_]. I wonder who put Kinney up to this!...
Probably his own notion.... [_Smiles._] Poor old Paddy! He’s as much a
part of Rush Hill as the O’Cahans.


  _MRS. SCALLY comes in._


   MRS. S. Where is my daughter?

   O’C. Which of them?

   MRS. S. Peggy!

   O’C. I don’t know, madam, where she is.

   MRS. S. Don’t you dare to stand there and tell me you don’t know! She
came over here half an hour ago....

   O’C. I’m afraid that sort of talk has no effect on me. You see I’m
neither your husband nor one of your offspring.

   MRS. S. Thank God, you’re nothing to me!

   O’C. Amen. One couldn’t be too grateful.

   MRS. S. You’ve lost everything but the O’Cahan cheek.

   O’C. And you have gained everything but good manners.

   MRS. S. While I’m here I’ll give you a bit of my mind. You’re a
disgrace to the parish. A living disgrace.

   O’C. Thank you for saying it to my face. You’ve been saying it a long
time behind my back.

   MRS. S. Everything I said was true.

   O’C. [_shrugs_]. I never contradicted anything.

   MRS. S. Because you couldn’t. The proof is written all over Rush
Hill.... The tree is known by its fruit.

   O’C. In Ireland a man is better known by the number of people who
stay away from his auction.

   MRS. S. [_looks around_]. Lord above! The condition of this room
tells a long story. Confusion and calamity.

   O’C. It was very amusing here a few minutes ago. The eminent
Professor was prospecting for water.

   MRS. S. You’re a likely one to be throwing stones.

   O’C. I’m not throwing any stones. I think Professor Tim a very
interesting man.

   MRS. S. You and the Professor have a great deal in common, no doubt.

   O’C. Much more than you could imagine. There are only two sorts of
people in the world. Interesting people and bores. I can never have too
much of the one, nor too little of the other. [_Yawns in his sleeve._]

   MRS. S. I ask you again, where is Peggy?

   O’C. She isn’t here, madam. She and the Professor returned to your
hospitable roof a little while ago.

   MRS. S. Did they go the back way?

   O’C. Evidently, since you didn’t meet them on the front way.

   MRS. S. And what’s the valise doing in the hall?

   O’C. It’s waiting for Paddy Kinney to carry it across. You can have
it if you wish.

   MRS. S. That’s all I wanted to know! I’ll stay here for the auction.

   O’C. You’re very welcome. Won’t you sit down?

   MRS. S. No, I’ll just look about me....


  _ALLISON puts his head in._


   ALLISON. Mr. O’Cahan, could I have something to stand up on? I’m
going to auction in the hall. It’s going to be a downpour....

   O’C. Why not come in here? I haven’t the smallest objection.

   MRS. S. Come in, Mr. Allison. Come in, Mr. Kilroy.


  _ALLISON, KILROY, JOSEPH, JOHN and PADDY come in._


   ALLISON [_mounting a chair_]. I suppose we may as well commence....

   MRS. S. God bless me, is this all the people?

   ALLISON. I’m sorry to say it is, madam. The sale has been boycotted.

   MRS. S. Oh, well. It’ll just go all the cheaper.

   ALLISON [_takes out hammer_]. Gentlemen, you’ve heard the terms of
sale. I’ve also told you that the Bank has fixed a reserve price below
which Rush Hill can’t be sold to-day.... Now, I’ll take offers....

   MRS. S. Come, John. Bid up.

   JOHN [_dourly_]. Let somebody else start it. I hate these
auction-outs.


  _MOLL appears in the doorway._


   MOLL. Here’s the great Professor Tim ... looking for his sister
Briget Scally....

   KILROY. Good, good! Bring in the Professor! This is very lucky....

   MRS. S. [_reeling towards door_]. No, no no! Don’t let him in....


  _She tries to push out past MOLL, who shoves her back into the
   room._


   MOLL. Stay in there, Vanity Fair! till the hand of God falls on you
in public. [_Shouts_] Come in, Professor! Come in. Your sister Briget’s
just dying to meet you....


  _PROF. staggers in. KILROY gasps._


   PROF. Hallo, all! Am I in time? Gum, it’s an infinitely small
auction.

   KILROY. Who in the devil’s name is this?

   MRS. S. James Kilroy, this is my brother. He gave me to understand he
was a Professor. And there he’s after twenty years’ rambling. A
disgrace. And Hugh O’Cahan has made the most of him.

   KILROY. I see. This has been all staged before. But it won’t work.

   MRS. S. That’s the style, James. That’s common sense. This tramp’s
visit needn’t interfere with our plans. He’ll go off to-night.... He can
go with O’Cahan....

   PROF. I’ll go off when I’m ready. [_To ALLISON_] Go on, mister. Open
the bazaar. It’s over twenty years since I attended an Irish auction.

   KILROY. Go ahead, Allison. Five hundred pounds.

   ALLISON. I won’t take that bid.

   PADDY. Fifteen ’undred.

   MOLL. Hurrah!

   ALLISON. I’ll take that bid. I’m offered fifteen hundred pounds....

   PROF. Two thousand! Gum, it’s worth that between a Scot and a Jew.

   MRS. S. Mr. Allison, this man hasn’t a white sixpence. I’ll have to
give him what’ll take him away....

   PADDY. Twenty-two ’undred.

   ALLISON. Steady now, gentlemen. I’m bid twenty-two hundred pounds.

   JOSEPH [_wildly_]. Twenty-two-fifty!

   KILROY. Easy now, Joseph! Easy. Don’t get excited.... [_He drags
JOSEPH away._]

   PADDY. Twenty-four ’undred.

   PROF. Twenty-five hundred.

   PADDY. Twenty-six.

   PROF. Twenty-seven.

   PADDY. Twenty-nine.

   PROF. [_to PADDY_]. Gum, you’re a crafty gentleman. You want it
knocked down to me at three thousand....


  _The KILROYS and MRS. S. are on the nerves._


   KILROY [_loudly_]. This is a put-up job! The whole thing--Professor
and all--is a piece of O’Cahan’s twisting....

   O’C. [_strides across to KILROY_]. Say that again!

   JOSEPH [_gets behind his father_]. Now, father. Into him!

   KILROY [_afraid_]. Didn’t you call me a grabber?

   O’C. And what the blazes else are you? Haven’t you got a home of your
own?

   JOSEPH. Intil him, father!

   O’C. Listen to me, Kilroy! I’ve been taught in good company to keep
my temper. To win or lose all like a sportsman. But no man ever called
me a twister twice. I’ll let you slip this once. But if you speak to me
again, so help me God, you and your clown of a son’ll leave this room
feet first! [_Goes back to his place._]

   JOSEPH [_shivering_]. Intil him, father! He struck me with a whip
this morning....

   PROF. My advice to you, young man, is to keep quiet. Your father is
too old, and you’re too young. And I’ve grave doubts as to your courage.

   ALLISON. I’m selling this farm. You can exchange compliments later
on. [_To PADDY_] Your last bid is twenty-nine hundred pounds, sir?

   PADDY. Yes. Knock it dahn.

   ALLISON. I’m offered two thousand nine hundred pounds by a strange
gentleman who has evidently come to buy Rush Hill and who has no quarrel
with anyone. Any advance?

   PROF. Another fifty pounds. Keep the ball rolling....

   MRS. S. [_shrieks_]. Don’t take his bid! The man couldn’t buy a box
of matches.... James Kilroy, a word with you and Joseph.


  _MRS. S., KILROY and JOSEPH confer._


   PROF. Did you take my bid, mister?

   ALLISON. No, sir. I don’t want to hear from you again. If you have
money to buy Rush Hill, you ought to invest a little in soap and a
shave....

   PROF. Mister, you’ve no more brains than that hammer.


  _KILROYS and MRS. S. come back._


   ALLISON. Well, Mr. Kilroy. Are you going to give us another bid?

   JOSEPH. Gwon, father.

   KILROY [_after a glance at PADDY_]. Three thousand pound....

   PADDY. Thirty-one ’undred.

   KILROY [_losing his head_]. Thirty-two hundred.

   PADDY. Thirty-three.

   KILROY [_dancing_]. Thirty-four.

   PADDY. Thirty-four-fifty.

   KILROY. Thirty-five hundred!

   PADDY [_turns away_]. I’m through.

   KILROY [_grabs hold of him_]. Don’t go away. Stand your ground like a
man....

   PADDY [_freeing himself_]. Mind your own business. I’m through.

   ALLISON. At three thousand five hundred pounds ... going ...
going....

   KILROY. Don’t, Allison! Wait a minute. [_Looks wildly at PADDY_] Come
on, man. Give it another bid.

   PADDY. No more. I’m through. [_Exit, followed by MOLL._]

   ALLISON. If no advance, at three thousand five hundred pounds ...
going ... going ... gone! Mr. James J. Kilroy’s the buyer.

   JOSEPH. Hurrah for my father! The finest man in the nation. He can
buy Rush Hill. And I can marry Peggy Scally. [_He runs out._]

   KILROY [_sighs_]. I’m ruined.

   ALLISON [_getting down_]. Nonsense. It’s worth five thousand pounds.
[_Takes out document._] Sign this agreement, James.

   KILROY. I’ll sign nothing here. I’ll sign at the Bank. I’m going
straight in to the Bank.

   ALLISON. I’m the auctioneer. This preliminary agreement has got to be
signed here and now.

   KILROY [_irritably_]. I’ll not sign it!

   ALLISON. All right, sir. As agent for buyer and seller I can sign for
both. [_He writes KILROY’S name._]

   PROF. That’s right, Allison. Don’t let the big codfish escape....

   KILROY [_pulling himself together_]. James J. Kilroy, R.D.C., never
hedged in a deal yet. I wanted Rush Hill at less money, but it’s worth
all it cost.... Hand me that pen, Allison. I’ll sign.

   ALLISON. It’s all right, James. I signed your name. You can meet me
in the Bank at two o’clock.

   KILROY. I’ll be there!

   ALLISON. Good-bye, Mr. O’Cahan. Thank you for treating us so well.

   O’C. Don’t mention it, Sam.


  _ALLISON goes out._


   PROF. We made you pay through the nose for it, Kilroy.

   KILROY. Mrs. Scally, if you’ve that man about the house to-night I
needn’t bring Mrs. Kilroy....

   MRS. S. Leave that to me, James. Bring your wife over at six o’clock
as we arranged.

   KILROY. Well, I will. [_Goes out._]

   MRS. S. John, who was that strange man?

   JOHN. I don’t know nor I don’t care!


  _PADDY comes in, in his own clothes._


   PADDY. The strange man, is it? I can tell you who he was. He was a
man the Bank sent out to sweeten it. And I can tell you more. James
Kilroy’s the buyer, but he’ll have the devil’s own time getting bail.

   JOHN. By hokey, that’s news!

   MRS. S. Silence, John. Would you heed a drunken horseboy? [_To
PROF._] Now, Tim dear, come with me. You need a good rest. You’re
tired....

   PROF. [_rising._] Stand back, Briget! I don’t want a good
rest--closed in the barn. [_Loudly_] My valise! Where’s my valise?

   MRS. S. Where are you going?

   PROF. I’m off. Important engagement in London.

   MRS. S. That’s a good man. Keep your appointment. Or I’ll put you
where you won’t keep any appointments for a day or two. [_To JOHN_] Is
James Kilroy away, John?

   JOHN. No, he’s talking out at the front.

   MRS. S. Tell him to come here. Quick now.


  _JOHN goes out._


   PROF. My valise!


  _MOLL comes in with the old valise._


   MOLL. Here’s your valise, Professor. And I suppose all your
theological tools are inside of it. [_Lays it beside him._]

   PROF. Good-bye, O’Cahan. Thanks for the bread and cheese. That’s more
than I have to thank my own sister for.

   O’C. Don’t mention it, Professor. [_Gives him money._] Sorry I’m
leaving here myself, or you could have lain around and had a rest.

   PROF. [_salutes_]. You’re a chip off the old block. In rain or shine,
the O’Cahans were fine men. [_Goes to PADDY_] Good-bye, Kinney. Thanks
for the two bob....

   MRS. S. Lord above, did you take money from Paddy Kinney?

   PROF. I did, and was glad to get it.... Good-bye, Paddy.

   PADDY. Good-bye, Professor. May we all see better days.

   PROF. Adieu, Moll Flanagan. Don’t sit on a barrel of gunpowder with
that dress.

   MOLL. Good-bye, y’ould wreck ye! Yourself and that portmantual should
be taken out to a bog and buried.

   PROF. Gum, that’s right, Moll. A long rest in an Irish bog would just
suit me. I’m so tired.


  _KILROY and JOHN come in._


   MRS. S. James Kilroy, will you drive my brother to the station? He
wants to catch the first train.

   KILROY. I’d drive him to the very devil! [_To PROF._] Where are you
going?

   PROF. Important engagement in London.

   KILROY. Gimme that ould bag! And come with me. [_Takes valise._] It
won’t be my fault if you miss the train. [_Exit KILROY._]

   PROF. My sister, I won’t bid you good-bye. You treated me like a
yellow dog. [_To JOHN_] Good-bye, Johnny. I don’t blame you. You’re only
a scarecrow on your own farm. A domestic serf.

   JOHN. I’ve no money, Tim, or I’d give you some.

   PROF. It’s all right, Johnny. I understand your financial status.
Briget carries the purse in her trousers pocket.


  _PROF. goes out._


   MRS. S. Oh, thank God to be rid of that disgrace!

   PADDY. Don’t have your thanksgiving service too soon, Mrs. Scally. He
might come back.

   MRS. S. Come on, John. We’ll watch till they put him in the trap
anyway.


  _MRS. S. and JOHN go out._


   MOLL. Och, hum, anee, oh! [_Tears down the curtain._]

   PADDY. Didn’t I give the mastiff Kilroy a good run for his money,
master?

   O’C. Very good indeed, Paddy. [_He takes down uncle’s portrait, then
points to the sideboard_] Take those cups and things in to O’Hanlon, the
vet, Paddy, and tell him to keep them for me till I write for them....
And you and Moll can carry away as much of the other stuff as you
like.... I’m leaving Rush Hill to-night.


  _O’C. goes out with portrait. PADDY and MOLL exchange a long
   look, then turn back to back and weep quietly._


                               _Curtain_


------------------------------------------------------------------------




                                ACT III


_Same Scene as in Act I. The PROF. has returned from town. He is half
asleep in a chair at the table. His valise is lying on the floor._

_PEGGY comes in cautiously from the room. She has a hat and coat and
suitcase, which she hides in the lower part of the cupboard._

   PEGGY [_regarding PROF._]. Gracious, wasn’t mother and the Kilroys
foolish to think you’d go away?... Important engagement in London....
Wake up, uncle!

   PROF. [_looks around and scratches his head_]. I wonder to Gawd where
I’m now! Paris or London....

   PEGGY. You’re all right, uncle. You’re at home ... in Ireland.

   PROF. [_parrot-like_]. Pritty Peggy.... Pritty Peggy. Lent me three
pounds at five per cent.... Rich or poor you’re my uncle, Peggy.... Full
or empty, welcome home.... Order! [_Sleeps._]

   PEGGY. It’s perfectly hopeless. [_Exit back._]

   PROF. [_sits up again_]. Whisht, Kelly! By some dispensation of
Providence you can sing none. Let me try it. [_Sings._]

     “I’m a daughter of Daniel O’Connell,
      From England last week I sailed o’er;
      The people to me are all strangers
      And I don’t know my friends from my foes.”

[_Scratching his head_] If a man doesn’t know his friends from his foes
he has only to come home broke. [_Sleeps._]


  _JOHN comes in back. He is coatless and has the salley switch in
   his hand._


   JOHN. Are you sleeping, Tim? [_No answer._] Waken up, man! I’m going
to cart you over to the other farm....

   PROF. Whisht, Kelly! You’re simply murdering that. Let me at it.
[_Sings_]

     “I must confess I am content, no more I wish to roam,
      So steer my bark for Erin’s Isle, for Erin is my
        home.”

Gum, Kelly, I’m awful homesick! I’ll go home--if I should have to walk
it!

   JOHN. Poor fellow.


  _MRS. S. comes in from the room. She has her hair done and wears
   a shiny silk blouse and a conspicuous watch-chain._


   MRS. S. Give him a shake, man! Don’t be so gentle with him.

   JOHN. I could never cart this man across, Briget, in such a
condition. He’s like a lump of wet putty.

   MRS. S. You’ll take him over and close him in the barn, and he’ll
stay there on bread and water till I give the order to release him. I’ll
not have my plans upset by such a wandering vagabond. [_She grabs the
switch from JOHN and hits PROF. a lick._] Waken up! or I’ll lift the
bark off you.


  _It has no effect._


   JOHN. See that now, Briget. He’s paralysed.

   MRS. S. And them Kilroys coming at six o’clock!

   JOHN. If we could get him upstairs, Briget ... and let him lie in the
back room....

   MRS. S. [_explodes and batters PROF._]. Get up! Rise! Wake up--or
I’ll finish you!

   JOHN [_takes the switch from her_]. Don’t do that, woman! Don’t
hammer the unfortunate.

   PROF. [_awake_]. What’s the row?

   MRS. S. Get up.

   PROF. Where am I? Who struck me with the marlin spike?

   MRS. S. I did. Get up.

   PROF. Hallo, sister Briget! Glad to see you. [_Yawns._] I’m awful
tired.

   MRS. S. Well, there’s a room upstairs ready for you. Go up and lie
down. John’ll help you up.

   PROF. What time is’t?

   MRS. S. It’s bed-time.

   JOHN. Ah, no, Briget. It’s not six o’clock yet.

   MRS. S. [_to JOHN_]. Big head!

   PROF. [_blinking_]. I’m not going to bed at six o’clock.... Like in a
reformatory.... I want a drink. I’m dry....

   MRS. S. You’ll get no drink here. Not a spark.

   PROF. My valise! Where’s my valise?

   MRS. S. It’s here. [_To JOHN_] Take it up to the back room, John.
Quick now.


  _JOHN goes off with valise._


   PROF. Come back here, Johnny? Come back, you little cutworm. [_Draws
knife._] Gum, I’ll teach you crofters’ manners. [_Goes out after JOHN._]

   MRS. S. Oh, sweet bad luck to you! And the same to big, windy Kilroy,
for leaving you on the platform instead of flinging you into the
train....


  _PEGGY comes in back._


   PEGGY. What’s wrong, mother?

   MRS. S. What’s not wrong?

   PEGGY. Where’s uncle Tim?

   MRS. S. The last I saw of him he was chasing our father upstairs with
a knife. This house is going straight to the devil.

   PEGGY. Gracious, he might hurt father.

   MRS. S. He hasn’t the least intention of hurting father! He knows
soft John too well for that.

   PEGGY. There’s always something wrong in this house.

   MRS. S. Yes, and there’s something wrong with you, too! You’ve been
flitting about all afternoon like a ghost. Don’t tell me you haven’t,
for I’ve eyes in my head.

   PEGGY. Well, mother, you do have some silly notions. You’d think I
was only sixteen.

   MRS. S. Your age has nothing whatever to do with it. You’re under my
care till Joseph Kilroy takes you off my hand, then you’ll be your own
mistress.

   PEGGY. You’re making a sermon out of nothing.

   MRS. S. Well, I’ll cut my sermon short. You’ll marry Joseph Kilroy
before you’re a week older. His mother’ll be here in a few minutes, and
I’ll make my own arrangements.... Go now and close the parlour windows
and have everything ready for tea....


  _JOHN comes in right shaking his head._


   JOHN. By the hedges, that’s a case. He lay down on the parlour floor
and fell asleep.

   MRS. S. [_shrieks_]. Why did you let him in there? Go and fetch him
out of that. Don’t you know the Kilroys have to sit in there! Drag him
out.

   JOHN. By hokey, I’ll do nothing of the kind, Briget.... He’s that
long seafaring knife in his hand, and vows he’ll give somebody the
length of it.... I’ll not face him anyway....

   MRS. S. You’ll not face him! [_Blazing._] But I’m the lady ’ill face
him! [_Stalks to the room._]


  _Noise from the room._


   JOHN. Your mother’s getting very hard to live with, Peggy. She’s out
of one tantrum into another the whole year round. I’ve made myself an
old man trying to humour that woman and keep peace in the house, but
it’s going to beat me in the end.


  _Noise from MRS. S. and PROF._


   PEGGY. Listen, father. She’s giving uncle Tim a great tongue
thrashing.

   JOHN. She won’t shift him. You might as well try to draw the badger.

   PEGGY. I thought you were going to take him over to the other farm?

   JOHN. The man’s not able to go anywhere! He wants about a month’s
sleep. God knows when that man got a dacent sleep. Maybe not for years.

   PEGGY. Well, it’s a pity, father. The Kilroys are coming and we can’t
take them into the room.

   JOHN. What’s the matter with this kitchen?

   PEGGY. Not a thing, father. But Mrs. Kilroy’s coming.

   JOHN. And who’s Mrs. Kilroy? Is she any better than the rest of us?

   PEGGY. Not a whit. But she thinks she is.

   JOHN. The priest sits in this kitchen. If it’s good enough for him
it’s good enough for Mrs. Kilroy. If she doesn’t think so she needn’t
sit down. I’m fair sick of vanity.

   PEGGY. Just a word, father, before they come in. Don’t you sign any
papers for James Kilroy. Hugh O’Cahan says they have nothing.

   JOHN. Do you think I don’t know what Kilroy’s here for? Do you think
I don’t know what all the match-making’s about? Ho, the very best. His
ill-bred son wants a settlement and there’s nothing to settle him
with....

   PEGGY. They shan’t settle him with me anyhow.

   JOHN. You’re right, Peggy. If I was a nice educated girl like you I’d
put a shirt on Hugh O’Cahan. He’s a man with all his faults; and the
other’s a prig with all his virtues.

   PEGGY. Father, I never thought you could size up people so well.

   JOHN. I’m not as soft as I let on, Peggy. By minding my own business
I’m a strong farmer. Kilroy by minding other people’s business is a weak
one. He’d ruin me now like himself, but he won’t.... I won’t let him.

   PEGGY. Mother ’ill be wild if you don’t sign.

   JOHN. I know, Peggy. It means civil war. But I’m prepared for war.
Your mother treated me very shabby this day. Before them Kilroys too.
That’s what stomachs me. It was “Silence, John!” every time I opened my
mouth. Your uncle Tim said I was only a scarecrow on my own land, and he
wasn’t far wrong. But, by God, the scarecrow’s tired of his job!


  _MRS. S. comes in baffled and angry._


   MRS. S. Have you pair been here ever since?

   JOHN. We were waiting for you to bring out the invader, Briget.

   MRS. S. But you couldn’t come in and give me a hand!

   JOHN. I knew if you couldn’t shift him yourself, nothing could shift
him.

   MRS. S. [_to PEGGY_]. Nor you didn’t think it worth while to come!

   PEGGY. I was afraid, mother. He was raveling in his sleep. You never
knew what he’d do.

   MRS. S. Well, put on your apron and lay the table. We’ll have to
entertain the Kilroys in the kitchen.

   PEGGY. All right, mother. [_Gets cloth._]

   MRS. S. [_to JOHN_]. Go you and leave your cowstick outside and put
something clean on your neck. You’ll be sitting at the table with Mrs.
Kilroy.

   JOHN. That’s a great honour.... Peggy, is there a rag of a collar
about the house?

   PEGGY. Your collar and tie’s here. [_Gets them from drawer._]

   JOHN. Put them on me, like a good gerl. My hands is dirty.

   MRS. S. And so is your face! Go out and wash your face and hands at
the pump.

   JOHN. I’ll attend to all that in a minute, Briget.


  _PEGGY puts collar and tie on JOHN. MRS. S. goes to room and
   returns with grand red chair._


   MRS. S. If I’d a man like a man, and not a jinny, he’d soon clear the
room! [_Goes out for another chair._]

   JOHN. She’s working herself up into a serious pucker, Peggy.

   PEGGY. Never mind, father.

   JOHN. I’m as much to blame as herself. I let her tramp over me at the
start. Before you childer grew up I was servant gerl and all here.


  _MRS. S. comes in with another chair._


   MRS. S. If my three sons were here they’d soon clear the room! [_Goes
out for a plant._]

   JOHN. You’d think they weren’t my sons, too, to hear her.... If ever
you marry, Peggy, never treat a man like that.

   PEGGY. Now, now, father. Don’t get vexed with her. After all, she’s a
good mother. And she improved you....

   JOHN. She improved me, but at a terrible price.


  _MRS. S. comes in with large plant._


   MRS. S. If these strangers weren’t coming I’d give you pair a bit of
my mind! [_Staring at them_] Are you going to stand there thumbing and
fiddling till they walk in?

   JOHN. Hurry up, Peggy.

   PEGGY. There you are. I’m finished.

   JOHN. I’ll go now and have a nice wash at the pump. [_Goes out
back._]

   MRS. S. Get the tablecloth.

   PEGGY [_gets cloth_]. Will you just give them tea in their hands?

   MRS. S. I’ll see when the times comes. Straighten the cloth.


  _PEGGY puts on cloth. MRS. S. sets plant in centre._


   PEGGY [_going towards cupboard_]. I’ll get out the cups....

   MRS. S. Never mind the cups. I’ll get them out myself. Put on your
apron.


  _PEGGY gets an apron and watches MRS. S. nervously. MRS. S.
   opens cupboard and takes out tea-things. Finally she peers into
   the lower part and drags out PEGGY’S hat, coat and suitcase._


   PEGGY. O--h!

   MRS. S. [_very calm_]. What are these things doing here?

   PEGGY [_stiffly_]. I don’t know.

   MRS. S. When did you put them here?

   PEGGY. I don’t know.

   MRS. S. Perhaps they don’t belong to you?

   PEGGY. I don’t know.

   MRS. S. Since you don’t appear to know anything, I must find out for
myself. [_Tries to open suitcase._] Where’s the key of this bag?

   PEGGY. I don’t know.

   MRS. S. [_flies into temper and tries to smash it_]. I’ll smash more
than the bag before I’ve finished! There’ll be no runaway matches in my
house....


  _JOHN hurries in back, drying his face with an old towel._


   JOHN. Here they come, Briget! The Royal Procession. James and the
wife and Joseph.

   MRS. S. Go you and put on your hat and coat and meet them and put in
the horse and throw that old towel out of your hand!

   JOHN. By the hedges, there’s a fine string of orders! [_Sees
suitcase._] What’s this going on?

   MRS. S. Step on and do what you’re told!

   JOHN. Hokey tattler! [_Going._] As Tim says, it’s like a house of
correction. [_Goes out back._]

   PEGGY. Father’s getting pretty sick of all this stupid badgering. And
so am I.

   MRS. S. You are?

   PEGGY. I am. It makes life a burden.

   MRS. S. If these strangers weren’t coming in I’d give you and your
father a lesson you wouldn’t forget....


  _PROF. staggers in from room._


   PROF. A drink of water, please.

   MRS. S. Ooooooooh!

   PROF. What’s the matter with you? Gum, you’d think you’d swallowed a
tenpenny nail. [_To PEGGY_] A glass of water, pigeon.


  _MRS. S. grabs hold of PROF., runs him backward, and shoots him
   into the room. He is heard falling._


   MRS. S. There’s a glass of water for you! [_She picks up hat, coat
and suitcase, pitches them into the room, and locks the door._] Now!
we’ll see who’s mistress here. From this night forth I’ll rule with an
iron rod....

   PEGGY. I hear someone coming in....


  _MRS. S. smooths hair and dress and goes to back door. MRS.
   KILROY comes in. She is a big vain countrywoman, aged 45, and
   dressed in her very best._


   MRS. S. W-ell, Mrs. Kilroy! At last! [_They kiss lightly._] It’s a
shame to bring you in this way, but the parlour’s turned upside down for
the Professor coming....

   MRS. K. This is perfection. Nothing would do Mr. Kilroy but I should
come over and see Peggy. He has raved all afternoon about Peggy. And for
Joseph, I declare the boy’s half crazy.

   MRS. S. This is Peggy herself ... just in her apron. Peggy darling,
this is Mrs. Kilroy.

   MRS. K. [_kissing PEGGY_]. Your girls are all very good-looking, Mrs.
Scally, but Peggy’s the pick of the bunch.

   MRS. S. The people say that anyway. The others take more after the
Scallys, but Peggy favours my own people. She has the Professor’s eyes.

   MRS. K. Well, Peggy dear, I hope you’ll make Joseph a good wife. He’s
very young and wild and foolish, but you’re a good sensible girl.

   PEGGY. I’ll do my best.

   MRS. K. That pleases me better than big promises. After all, it’s a
great lottery.

   MRS. S. Put off your things, Mrs. Kilroy.

   MRS. K. I’ll put off this jacket, I’m warm. But I’ll keep on my hat.
We haven’t long to stay.


  _She takes off jacket, showing a formidable dress and jewellery.
  _


   MRS. S. [_taking jacket_]. I’ll leave your jacket in the hall. Peggy,
get Mrs. Kilroy a comfortable chair. [_Goes out left._]

   MRS. K. Peggy dear, won’t Rush Hill make a lovely home for you and
Joseph?

   PEGGY. Beautiful. [_Gets chair for MRS. K._]

   MRS. K. [_sits_]. I want to ask you one thing before your mother
comes in. Joseph says Hugh O’Cahan walked in here this morning and threw
down your presents and told you to make jam of them. Is that true,
Peggy?

   PEGGY. Quite true, Mrs. Kilroy.

   MRS. K. Well, that relieves my mind more than words can say.... I
hear he’s going off to-night, so you’re rid of him for life and for
ever. You don’t happen to know where he’s going.

   PEGGY. I think Australia.

   MRS. K. That’s the place for him. The farther away the better. For
I’d be afraid of Joseph quarrelling with him. Joseph’s that hasty.


  _MRS. S. comes in and locks door._


   MRS. S. Are the men not in yet? [_Sits._]

   MRS. K. Oh, they’ll be looking at the cattle. Joseph’s a great judge
of cattle. He was at the Agricultural College, you know. [_To PEGGY_]
Peggy dear, would you mind telling them to come in? We haven’t long to
stay, for Mr. Kilroy has a Council meeting to-night....


  _PEGGY goes out back._


   MRS. S. Your husband’s a very busy man.

   MRS. K. Fearful! I hardly ever see him. Fairs and markets and council
meetings and political meetings. You may guess, one of the childer asked
him the other day--“Daddy, where do you live?”

   MRS. S. He’s a great man.

   MRS. K. And he thinks you’re a great business woman. But indeed I’ve
heard many a one praising your management. So I want to ask you about
the match. Are you content with everything?

   MRS. S. And was from the very first. But what about yourself? Are you
content?

   MRS. K. Now that I’ve seen Peggy and talked to her, I’m more than
content. I’m pleased and happy.

   MRS. S. Thank goodness to hear that! We’ll have the wedding
immediately.

   MRS. K. That brings me to what I want to say, Mrs. Scally. James--I
won’t call him Mr. Kilroy any more--tells me you’ve a brother a
Professor coming here.

   MRS. S. Yes. I’d a letter this morning.

   MRS. K. Where does he reside usually?

   MRS. S. He travels a great deal.

   MRS. K. James said he thought he was a Professor in Edinboro’
University.

   MRS. S. No, I don’t think he belongs to that University. He travels a
great deal in foreign countries.

   MRS. K. Well, dear, you’ll maybe think me a very vain woman. But I’d
like to have the Professor at the wedding. It would give a bit of tone
to it and lift it above the ordinary country wedding.

   MRS. S. I’d like to have the Professor there myself. But it mightn’t
fit in with his plans.

   MRS. K. Could we not make our plans fit in with his?

   MRS. S. Perhaps we could. I’ll see. If it can possibly be arranged
I’ll have him at the wedding.

   MRS. K. That’s grand. I’m glad I mentioned it. I’m content now.


  _PEGGY comes in back._


   PEGGY. They’re coming in. They were looking at the new binder....


  _KILROY, JOSEPH, and JOHN come in back. JOHN has on his black
   coat and hat._


   KILROY. Well, have you ladies had a nice sumptuous crack about the
latest hats and all the falderals?

   MRS. S. We never mentioned a hat, James, nor a falderal. But we’d a
very pleasant chat just the same.

   KILROY [_slapping wife’s shoulder_]. Doesn’t this caretaker of mine
wear well?

   MRS. S. Remarkable! She’s still the best-looking woman and the best
put-on woman that comes into the chapel.

   KILROY. Do you hear that, Ellen? [_Slaps._] And that’s from a lady
that flatters nobody. [_Slaps._] She’s as good as new, Briget.

   MRS. K. Sit down now and behave yourself. If I was gone you’d have a
young one before a week.

   KILROY. Haha! She wouldn’t say that so gaily if she believed it.

   MRS. S. Not a bit of her.... Now, Peggy, make the tea.


  _PEGGY sees them all seated at table, then starts making tea._


   JOHN. Strong, Peggy. I want a good strong cup. [_Holds his head._]

   MRS. S. Joseph, you’re very quiet.

   MRS. K. That’s because I’m here.

   JOSEPH [_mutters_]. Awwwwwh! [_Hangs his head._]


  _MRS. S. takes a bottle of wine and glasses from cupboard._


   MRS. S. This won’t do anybody any harm. It’s only wine. [_Pours a
glass for each._] Will you have some, Peggy? It’s not every night this
happens.

   PEGGY. Thanks, mother. I’ll wait and have tea.

   MRS. S. All right, dear. [_Puts round the wine._]

   KILROY [_stands up_]. I’m not going to make a speech. I’m only going
to say a few words. Briget, I want you and my Ellen to be very great
friends. Very great friends. In fact, this wedding ’ill make us more
than friends. It’ll make us near relations....

   MRS. S. Hear, hear!

   KILROY. With your own two farms and Rush Hill all lying in together,
we practically own the landscape....


  _PROF. makes a racket at room door._


   PROF. [_off_]. Open this door!

   KILROY [_shudders but tries to proceed_]. We’ll drink now to the
prosperity of the young couple. That they may ... may ... may may....
[_He can’t get another word._]

   PROF. [_giving door a heavy thud_]. Open up, you clodhoppers! Or I’ll
batter it down.

   MRS. S. [_in desperation_]. Go on, James! Go on with your speech....

   KILROY. That they may ... may ... always ... always ... always ...
have the grace ... grace ... grace ... to always....


  _Another heavy smash on the door._


   PROF. [_off, yells_]. Open! Open! Open this door.

   MRS. K. [_frightened_]. In God’s holy name, who’s that?

   PROF. [_off, loudly_]. It’s me! Professor Tim! Sister Briget has
locked me in--trying to hide me! [_Kicks the door._]

   KILROY. Ah, Mrs. Scally! [_Collapses on chair._]

   MRS. S. [_rising_]. I may just as well tell the truth, Mrs. Kilroy.
It’s my brother. And he’s no credit to me. He’s not the man I expected.

   MRS. K. Not the Professor, is it?

   PROF. [_off_]. It is the Professor! Professor Tim. Open up!

   JOHN. You may open the door, Briget.

   MRS. S. He’s not ... not presentable.

   JOHN. If you don’t open the door he’ll present himself. He’ll come
through it.

   MRS. S. [_goes to open door_]. Lie down on the sofa, Tim. And rest
yourself. We’ve visitors.

   PROF. [_off_]. Open up! Amn’t I a visitor, too?

   MRS. S. Ah, this is cruel!


  _She unlocks door and PROF. comes in._


   PROF. You thought you’d killed me, Briget. Eh?

   MRS. S. Whisht, now.... You tripped over something.

   PROF. I tripped over nothing at all. You gimme a heave that sent me
heels over kettle.... Here, feel this lump.... [_on his head_].

   MRS. S. Nonsense, Tim. You only imagine things....

   PROF. Imagination doesn’t raise a lump on a man’s head like an onion.
[_Fingers lump gingerly._]

   MRS. S. Your head’s all wrong.

   PROF. My head was all right till you smashed it.

   MRS. S. [_to company_]. He’s half dazed....

   PROF. I’m whole dazed with that unmerciful fall you gimme. [_Draws
knife._] For two pins I’d slit you!

   MRS. K. [_screams_]. Oh, James! he’s a knife.


  _MRS. S. runs away. PEGGY goes to PROF._


   PEGGY. Give me that knife. [_She gets knife._] I’ll keep it safe,
uncle.

   PROF. You’d better, pigeon. For that’s the knife I cut my food and
baccy with.

   PEGGY. Come and sit down.

   PROF. [_coming to table_]. Hallo, all! Who’s this smashing big heifer
in the hat?

   MRS. K. [_afraid_]. James!

   KILROY. It’s all right, Ellen. He’ll not touch you. [_To PROF._]
That’s my wife, sir, Mrs. Kilroy. Isn’t she a good specimen?

   PROF. Gum, I should say so. She’s like a Burmese idol.

   MRS. K. [_jumps up_]. James Kilroy, I’m going out of this place!

   PROF. Sit down, dear. Sit down. I won’t eat you. You’re not my style
of muslin....

   MRS. K. How dare you speak to me!... James Kilroy, both you and your
son told me a parcel of lies! You told me this man was a Professor in
Edinburgh University....

   PROF. Gum, that was a whopper.

   MRS. K. And Mrs. Scally backed you up in deceiving me! [_To MRS. S._]
You and your Professor! A drunken sailor! [_Marches out back._]

   KILROY [_rising_]. Come back, Ellen. Don’t go away.... [_To MRS. S._]
Briget, get this man put out of the road. Put him in the churn and put
the lid on him.... I’ll fetch Ellen back in a minute.... [_Hurries out
back._]

   PROF. I’m tired. [_Sits._]

   JOSEPH. Will this matter to you and me, Peggy?

   PEGGY. It won’t matter to me, Joseph.

   JOSEPH. No, nor to me.... I don’t care if the Professor was ten times
as bad a case.... Nor my father doesn’t care either....

   PROF. Nor your mother won’t care either, Joseph.... Wait till she
hears what your father has to say outside. She’ll come in and eat out of
my hand....

   JOSEPH. Awwwh!

   PROF. What are you trying to say? Gum, if I strike you I’ll change
the whole shape of your face. You oaf.

   MRS. S. Tim, I’ll forgive you a lot if you go and lie down in the
room for half an hour....

   PROF. I don’t think you’ve a great lot to forgive.... I think I’m the
injured party....


  _KILROY and MRS. K. come in back. He is very red and
   embarrassed, she very crestfallen._


   KILROY. We’re all right now. Sit down, Ellen. Sit down.


  _KILROY and MRS. K. resume their places at table._


   PROF. Mrs. ... Mrs. ... Kilroy, I apologise. I’ll behave myself like
a gentleman and a scholar. I’m tired.

   KILROY. There now, Ellen. He won’t bother us again. He’s not that bad
after all. [_Takes up glass._] Come on now. Let’s all be the best of
friends. Here’s luck and prosperity and wedding bells. Drink up,
Ellen....


  _All drink._


   PEGGY. Uncle, will you have some wine?

   PROF. No, dear. I’ve the pledge, for life.

   MRS. S. Tea, Peggy.


  _PEGGY is pouring out tea when MR. ALLISON comes in back. He has
   a bundle of papers in his hand._


   ALLISON. Well, Professor, are you still here?

   PROF. No, I’m evaporated.

   KILROY. Nothing wrong, Mr. Allison?

   ALLISON. Not a thing the matter, James. I was over at your place and
was told you were here. The Bank wants this agreement signed by you and
John Scally to-night....

   JOHN. Me! What does the Bank want me to sign?

   MRS. S. Silence, John!

   JOHN. This is too sarious for silence! [_To ALLISON_] What business
have you or the Bank with me?

   MRS. S. James Kilroy bought Rush Hill on the understanding that you
would go in with him as security....

   JOHN. James Kilroy never mentioned the like to me!

   MRS. S. But he mentioned it to me! I said you’d do it and you shall!

   JOHN [_bouncing up_]. Well, I’m cursed if I shall!

   PROF. Bully Johnny! Your “shall’s” not geographically correct, but
that’s only a detail.

   JOHN. I know myself what I mean. I’ll sign no bills! No bills.
[_Sits._]

   MRS. S. Mr. Allison, have you the papers here?

   ALLISON. Yes, ma’am. [_Takes paper from bundle._]

   MRS. S. Hand it to me and a pen.

   ALLISON [_gives her both_]. Your husband signs there [_points_].

   PROF. Now, Johnny! You’re going to get your new spine tested.

   MRS. S. [_places pen and paper under JOHN’S nose_]. John Scally, you
never disobeyed me since the morning I married you! I told James Kilroy
to buy Rush Hill and you would sign this paper. He’s making a home for
your daughter. Now then. Take the pen in your hand and write your
name....

   JOHN [_wavering_]. I’d rather not, Briget....

   MRS. S. Lift the pen!

   JOHN [_picks up pen, he is trembling violently_]. I know nothing
about Banks or bills....

   MRS. S. Write your name!

   JOHN [_hesitating_]. I know in my heart I shouldn’t do this....

   PROF. Johnny Scally! if you sign that paper every small boy in the
parish ’ll laff at you.

   JOHN [_throws down pen and jumps up_]. I’m cursed over again if I
sign it! [_Sweeps pen and paper and tumblers off table._] Take the whole
thing away to blazes out of my sight and sign it yourselves!

   PROF. Bully Johnny! That’s the first time I’ve ever seen you in
pants.

   JOHN [_raging_]. I’ll not be made a scarecrow of any longer! Nobody
ever signed a bill for me, and I’ll sign nothing for no man! [_Sits
down._]

   MRS. S. I’ll not affront myself before these people, John, but I’ll
make you rue this night’s work.

   JOHN. From this night forth--aye, from this minute--you’ll take your
own place in this house and I’ll take mine!

   PROF. Sit down, sister. You’re beaten to the ropes. Your despotic
reign is over. Johnny’s cock of the walk.


  _O’C. comes in back. He wears a tweed suit and has an overcoat
   and suitcase._


   O’C. I apologise for interrupting the picnic. But I want one word
with you, Mr. Allison.

   ALLISON. Shall we go outside?

   O’C. It isn’t necessary. I’m going off to-night. There’s the key of
Rush Hill. That’ll save you any trouble.

   ALLISON [_taking key_]. O’Cahan, you’re a prince.

   O’C. Don’t mention it.


  _PEGGY goes off quietly to the room._


   ALLISON. I’ve a car, Hugh. Won’t you let me drive you in?

   O’C. I’ll be very glad of a lift. I don’t think I ever walked to town
in my life. [_Turns to JOHN_] John, I owe you forty pounds for a foal.

   JOHN [_angrily_]. You owe me nothing! You buried the foal....

   O’C. [_taking out roll of money_]. You couldn’t help that, John. It
might as readily have won the Derby. There’s your money. [_Lays it on
the table._]

   JOHN. Will you take a luckpenny?

   O’C. A luckpenny for a dead foal! Ah, John, that’s too thin!

   JOHN. Will you let me shake hands with you?

   O’C [_holding out his hand_]. I’m very glad you want to, John. [_They
shake._]

   JOHN. Good-bye, Hugh. And remember this: John Scally always wished
you well.

   O’C. Thanks, John. I always thought so.


  _PEGGY comes in dressed for travelling._


   PEGGY. Now, Hugh. Are you ready?

   MRS. S. [_jumps up_]. What! Where are you going, Peggy?

   PEGGY. I don’t really know yet. Wherever Hugh’s going.

   PROF. Bully Peggy?

   MRS. S. Peggy Scally, you’re mad! You won’t cross the threshold this
night!

   PEGGY. Hugh, I’m going with you. Take me out of this.

   O’C. I will, Peggy, and I don’t think anyone present--or all of
them--will try to stop me.

   PROF. Now, Joseph, there’s a chance for you to get knocked flat.

   MRS. S. John Scally, save your daughter! She won’t heed me any more.

   JOHN [_rising_]. Do nothing rash, Peggy. You’re a good girl.

   PEGGY. I’m doing nothing rash, father. I was engaged to Hugh O’Cahan
when he had plenty. I’m going with him now when he has nothing.

   PROF. Gum, she’s a thick and thinner.

   JOHN. By the hedges, she put that plain and dacent. I’m proud of my
Peggy.... Hugh O’Cahan, you don’t know what you’re getting. It’s not
because she’s my daughter. But no man in the world is good enough for
Peggy Scally to clean her feet on.

   O’C. That’s the one thing I do know, John.

   JOHN. But she’s going with you, and I won’t try to stop her.... Lord,
I wish you were staying at home ... that I could see Peggy whiles....
But here’s an offer. You’ll stay here another week and get married
decently, and I’ll give Peggy her fortune.

   O’C. You’re manly, John. You always were. But I won’t take any
fortune with Peggy. I want to throw off my coat and vest and work....
I’m going to prophesy now. [_He looks at the KILROYS_] You people have
got Rush Hill. But if I live I’ll come back and root you out of it! If I
die a son of mine will come back and root you out of it! But I believe
I’ll come back myself, and bring Peggy back to Rush Hill.

   PROF. That’s inspiration. If a man holds on to that he can crush the
earth like an eggshell. He can break the Wheel that tried to break him.

   JOHN. Peggy, you and me was always the best of friends. I never seen
your frown. Won’t you make Hugh wait here another week?

   PEGGY. We’ll do as father says, Hugh.

   O’C. Right you are, Peggy. You’re the law and the prophets.

   JOHN. Hugh O’Cahan, I’ll say out before all these people what was
always in my mind. I always had a great grah for you. You were a wild
fella but a good fella. You as good as gimme a brown mare that has made
me a power of money with her foals....

   O’C. Never mind about the brown mare, John. I took a profit on her.
Tell us some of the wild deeds.

   JOHN. Well, you went too fast, Hugh. That’s the short way of putting
it.

   PROF. That takes in wine, women, and cards....

   JOHN. And leppin’ horses.

   O’C. How much, John, do you reckon I’ve spent on wine, women and
cards and leppin’ horses since my uncle died?

   JOHN. Some says fifty thousand pounds, and some twice that.

   O’C. Mr. Allison, how much has the Bank against Rush Hill?

   ALLISON. Four thousand pounds!

   O’C. How much had the Bank against it when uncle Hugh died?

   ALLISON. The same--four thousand pounds.

   O’C. There you are, John. It isn’t hard to earn a local reputation
for riotous living. As a matter of fact, I never had the ghost of a
chance.

   JOHN. By the hedges, I’d rather hear that than a thousand pound!
[_Sits down._]

   PROF. Come and sit down, Hugh. Gum, I’m proud of my sex. A young
Irishman’s the noblest work of God.


  _O’C. sits._


   KILROY [_rising_]. Mr. Allison, I want to speak to you.


  _KILROY and ALLISON go out back._


   PEGGY [_puts off coat and hat_]. Shall I pour out the tea, mother?

   PROF. Gum, she’s a cool one. As the poet says, “Mistress of herself,
though china fall.”

   MRS. K. No tea for me. My jacket, please!

   MRS. S. I’ll get it. [_Goes out for it._]

   MRS. K. Go and put the horse in the trap, Joseph. You’ve had a very
narrow escape....

   JOSEPH [_rising_]. I’ve Rush Hill anyway. And I can marry any gerril
I like in two counties. I don’t want anybody’s leavings.... [_Going to
the door back_] Look at this circus....


  _JOSEPH stands aside to allow MOLL and PADDY to come in. Both
   have been weeping. MOLL is still sniffing audibly. She has on
   the new hat and dress, carries a big, ungainly bundle, and has
   a cat in a basket. PADDY has a saddle and bridle and other
   riding tackle strung about him._


   MOLL [_not seeing O’C._]. We’ve seen the last av him ... and the last
av Rush Hill. [_Sniffs._] Och, hum! we’re all homeless this night, and
broken-hearted as a motherless colt.... May the holy saints--Colum,
Patrick, and Brigid--be with him wherever he goes....

   O’C. Amen, Moll. The saints are all here.

   MOLL. Oh, sweet heavens! Gimme another look at you.... [_Peering at
him_] I can hardly see you for my crying eyes....

   PEGGY [_placing a chair_]. Sit down, Moll, and take a good look at
him.... What have you got in the basket?

   MOLL. Ach, sure it’s the cat. Toby. We couldn’t lave him behind us to
be starved and beaten to death by the Kilroys. [_Sits._] Och, hum.

   JOSEPH. Awwwwh! [_Goes out._]

   PEGGY [_with a chair_]. Sit down, Paddy. We’re having tea.

   PADDY [_sits_]. It’s good to be all here--if only for a minute--as
the swallows light on the road.

   MRS. K. [_loudly_]. My jacket! My jacket!


  _MRS. S. comes in with jacket._


   MRS. S. This is getting a very distinguished gathering!

   PROF. “Go ye out into the highways and byeways,” etc., etc.

   JOHN. Briget, don’t be harsh. They’ve no home. Moll Flanagan has the
homeless cat in that basket. That’s a lesson to us all.

   MRS. S. You’d think to hear you that I was a hard-hearted woman. But
I’ll let you see our mistake. If Peggy’s going away I’ll keep Moll
Flanagan and the cat as long as they like to stay.

   JOHN. Good, Briget. I know’d the homeless cat would touch the
heart.... And Paddy could give the boys a hand with the harvest....

   PEGGY. Moll, I’m going away with Hugh. Will you stay here till I send
for you?

   MOLL. I will--if it was fifty years!

   O’C. Paddy, you can hang around here, too, and give John a hand with
the horses, till you hear from me. That won’t be long.

   PADDY. Right, master. It can’t be too soon for me. [_Pulls the hat
over his eyes._]

   PROF. [_rising_]. Lucky devil, O’Cahan! Youth, love, friendship,
devotion, and the cat for luck.... My valise.... Gum, I’m dry. [_He goes
to the room._]

   MRS. K. Mrs. Scally, I’ll take my jacket now. You’ll have a fine
collection here after a bit....

   MRS. S. [_giving her jacket_]. Thank God, Mrs. Kilroy, there’s plenty
for them to eat. And we’ll not ask you to bail us if we want more....

   JOHN. Holy tattler! That’s a posey! Outrageous, Briget! Atrocious!


  _KILROY and ALLISON come in. KILROY has a paper in his hand._


   KILROY [_to JOHN_]. Now, Scally, as man to man--will you go bail with
me and two other good men for Rush Hill?

   MRS. S. He’ll do nothing of the sort. John has more good sense than
all in the house. I just see that now, that bail’s a near cut to the
poor-house.

   JOHN. Thank you, Briget.

   KILROY. That ends it. [_Tears the agreement._] The deal’s off,
Allison. You can give Rush Hill to some of your Freemason friends. My
opinion is you never wanted me to get it.

   ALLISON. You carry the sting in your tail, James. But for once in a
way you’re right. I didn’t want you to get it. Nor any of my Freemason
friends either. I wanted Rush Hill to remain with O’Cahan. And it does!

   O’C. Allison ... Sam ... that’s a cruel sort of joke....

   ALLISON. It’s no joke, young man. I don’t make jokes like that.
[_Holds up papers._] It’s all here. The deeds and documents of Rush
Hill. Your mortgages are paid--a clean wipe out.

   O’C. [_gasping_]. Allison ... you wouldn’t.... I know you
wouldn’t....

   ALLISON [_looking round_]. Where’s the Professor?

   PEGGY. He’s in the room.

   ALLISON [_lowering his voice_]. We people have been making sad fools
of ourselves. Mrs. Scally, you ought to’ve known better. You knew the
brother was always a little eccentric.... The man’s a real Professor of
Geology. A big man in the world. And very wealthy. He’s tons of it.

   MRS. S. My God! has he been acting?

   ALLISON. Aye, and doing it not badly. I tell you I was with him in
the Bank for two hours, and ’twas an eye-opener to me. He’s been in the
East--Chief of a Geological Expedition--and he’s worth a pot of money.


  _JOSEPH comes in back with eyes bulging._


   JOSEPH. Lord save us! There’s a waggon-load of stuff come for the
Professor--trunks, bags, golf sticks, and fishing-rods--like a load of
hay!


  _JOSEPH runs out again._


   ALLISON. I told you so.


  _PROF. comes in from the room, suitably dressed, a touch of
   distinction about himself and his clothes._


   PROF. I’ve some luggage at the front door. But I’ve told the man to
wait. Part of it is going over to Rush Hill, and part of it staying
here. [_With a quaint smile_] I’ve been enjoying myself. But my little
experiment is at an end. On the whole it has yielded good results. I’ve
found some hearts of gold.

   ALLISON [_handing him papers_]. You’ve the deeds and old mortgages
all there, Professor. Some of them haven’t seen daylight for a hundred
years.


  _JOSEPH comes in quietly at back._


   PROF. [_takes papers_]. Give me the key. [_ALLISON gives key._] Come
here, Peggy. [_She goes to him._] You gave me a kindly welcome to-day,
and three pounds. Do you remember?

   PEGGY. Y-es.

   PROF. There’s part of your reward. [_Hands her papers and key._] A
wedding present.

   PEGGY [_after a pause_]. Uncle ... I’m going to cry....

   PROF. Ah, Peggy, don’t be so obvious. Tears are as common as
rain-water. Do something original.

   PEGGY. Can I do with these what I like, uncle?

   PROF. Do with them whatever you please, Peggy. Light your pipe with
them.

   PEGGY [_hands all to O’C._]. You’re a great prophet, dear. Without
going away you’re coming back to Rush Hill.... Say something, Hugh.


  _O’C. damps his lips and tries to speak, but in vain._


   PROF. Don’t open your lips, young man, or your heart ’ill fly out. I
can hear it beating against the roof of your mouth.

   PEGGY [_petting him_]. Try again, Hugh. [_O’C. shakes his head._] You
see, uncle, he hasn’t had much practice in thanking his lucky stars.
That’s why he can’t speak now. He’s so much finer in defeat.

   PROF. It depends on what a man’s best used to, Peggy.

   O’C. [_shaking himself_]. I can speak now. [_Shakes hands with
PROF._] I suppose I may call you uncle?

   PROF. Yes, it’s only a little ante-dated.

   O’C. It’ll take some time for me to realise what has happened. For
the last ten days I’ve been like a blind man. One smash coming after
another, old friends disappearing as if by magic, and the future as
black as the inside of a cloud. Leaving Rush Hill to-night was like
walking out to be hanged.

   PROF. Sonny, you please me well. You pleased me to-day at the
auction, when the world was falling in pieces about your ears. That’s
when a man stands out. Not when he’s eating strawberries and cream. If
you call a boy after me I’ll put six figures to his name.

   ALLISON. And never miss it!

   PADDY. In sowl, at that rate, we’ll call a dozen for him.

   MOLL. Pad-ee! have some morals.

   PROF. For the rest of my life I want to spend half time in this house
and the other half at Rush Hill. Can I have a room there facing the
south?

   O’C. Can Peggy and I have a room there facing anywhere? The rest
belongs to you. Peggy and I are your tenants.

   PROF. Good. I’ll be a bachelor and a family man combined. We can have
everything we want at Rush Hill. And Peggy the undisputed boss of the
show. You hear that, Peggy!

   PEGGY. I should think I do, uncle.... And you hear it, Hugh? No more
double-banks or champion stone walls. I don’t want to be left a widow at
Rush Hill.

   O’C. Before all these witnesses, Peggy, I hand you the whip and the
reins. [_Gives PADDY the key._] Take the key, Paddy, and turn up the
lights. I’ll be over after you directly.

   PADDY. Come on, Moll Flanagan. Get into your gear. I’m sorry I bought
you all that finery.... Bring Toby and all with you....

   MOLL [_struggling to her feet_]. Oh, Lord above! The torrents of
joy’s killing me....


  _PEGGY gets PADDY and MOLL ready for the road._


   PROF. Paddy Kinney!

   PADDY. Yes, your honour, Professor.

   PROF. You gave me two shillings to-day.

   PADDY [_embarrassed_]. Ah, God forgimme, Professor! Sure I thought
you were as poor as myself.

   PROF. I’ll give you two hundred pounds if you kiss Moll Flanagan in
that hat and dress.

   PADDY. Well, in sowl, it’s a big lump of money....

   MOLL. Daar ye! Daar ye!


  _PADDY kisses MOLL._


   PROF. I’ll give you five hundred pounds, Paddy, and build you a
cottage if you marry Moll Flanagan inside thirty days.

   PADDY. Well, you’ll pay that bonus, Professor, in one fortnight.

   MOLL. I wouldn’t like to say but you’re right, Paddy. For that bonus
would drive anyone to it.

   PADDY. Come on, then. You’re going to get me after all.... Turn your
head for home. We left Rush Hill, carriage paid for destruction, and
we’re going back to begin a golden age.... Good bless Professor Tim!

   MOLL. Amen. May he live for ever.


  _PADDY and MOLL go out back._


   KILROY [_rising_]. We may as well go home, Ellen.

   PROF. James Kilroy, you’re a good Irishman. You put a pound note in
my hand at the station....

   KILROY. I wish from my heart I’d had nothing to do with Rush Hill.

   PROF. Sit down, James, and smoke a cigar.

   JOHN. Sit down, James.


  _KILROY sits down._


   PROF. Peggy, you’ll find a box of cigars in my valise.

   PEGGY. All right, uncle. [_Goes into the room._]

   PROF. Hugh, would you mind telling Peggy it’s the small flat box I
want?

   O’C. The mild ones.... [_Goes to room scratching his head._]

   ALLISON. May I stay and smoke a cigar, Professor?

   PROF. I’ll be very glad if you will.

   MRS. K. Keep up your heart, Joseph. Mrs. Scally has more daughters
than Peggy.

   JOSEPH. I’d marry any of the other three ... any one of them that
would have me.

   PROF. You’re what’s called a marrying man, Joseph.

   JOSEPH. Yes, sur.


  _PEGGY comes in with cigars, followed by O’C., who hands her a
   sidecomb._


   PEGGY. Joseph, you ought to set your cap for Susan. I know she likes
you, and she’s been frightfully jealous of me....

   JOSEPH [_brightening_]. Will you speak to Susan for me, Peggy?

   PEGGY. I will indeed, Joseph.

   JOSEPH. Mrs. Scally, will you speak for me, too?

   MRS. S. [_in a low voice_]. I’ll see, Joseph. [_Pause._] If God
spares me, I mean to talk less.... [_Rising_] I’ll go to my room for
half an hour.... I’m feeling upset....

   PEGGY [_throwing her arms round MRS. S.’S neck_]. Mother! don’t leave
us! [_Sets her down and kisses her._] Sure you’ve made us all what we
are!... Come here, Hugh, and kiss mother.

   PROF. That’s a tall order, Hugh.

   O’C. Not before the crowd, Peggy. But some other time [_shaking hands
with MRS. S._]. My dear mother, you’re the only living thing I was ever
afraid of. And that was because I was very often ashamed of myself.

   MRS. S. God bless you, Hugh. I was always anxious about Peggy.

   JOHN. By the hedges, it’s grand! It’s outrageous. Atrocious!

   PEGGY. And uncle Tim has had his little joke, mother. He must have
counted the cost and known what to expect--especially if he took snuff.

   PROF. [_chuckling_]. Gum, yes. I got off very lightly, more so than I
deserved.... Shake hands, sister Biddy. [_They shake._] Like every good
Irish mother, you’ve a sharp tongue and a good vocabulary. And it needs
both to bring up a big family of boys and girls.

   MRS. S. [_drying her eyes_]. We’ve seven of the best children in the
world.

   JOHN. As straight as seven dies.

   PROF. Glad to hear it. And glad to be home. Have a cigar, friends? I
bought these cigars in Bombay.


                                THE END


------------------------------------------------------------------------

                              PAUL TWYNING

                        _A COMEDY IN THREE ACTS_




------------------------------------------------------------------------




                               CHARACTERS


               PAUL TWYNING     _A Tramp-plasterer_
               JAMES DEEGAN     _A Farmer and Magistrate_
               DAN DEEGAN       _His Son_
               PATRICK DEEGAN   _Another Son, a Publican_
               MRS. DEEGAN      _Patrick’s Wife_
               JIM DEEGAN       _Patrick’s Son_
               DENIS M’GOTHIGAN _A Farmer_
               ROSE M’GOTHIGAN  _His Daughter_
               DAISY MULLAN     _A returned American_
               MR. O’HAGAN      _A Solicitor_


              ACTS I AND III: _JAMES DEEGAN’S kitchen_
              ACT II:         _PAT DEEGAN’S Public-house_

------------------------------------------------------------------------




   The first performance of PAUL TWYNING took place at the Abbey
Theatre, Dublin, on 3rd October 1922, with the following cast:

                  _Paul Twyning_     BARRY FITZGERALD
                  _James Deegan_     GABRIEL J. FALLON
                  _Dan Deegan_       MICHAEL J. DOLAN
                  _Patrick Deegan_   P. J. CAROLAN
                  _Mrs. Deegan_      MAY CRAIG
                  _Jim Deegan_       TONY QUINN
                  _Denis M’Gothigan_ ERIC GORMAN
                  _Rose M’Gothigan_  EILEEN CROWE
                  _Daisy Mullan_     CHRISTINE HAYDEN
                  _Mr. O’Hagan_      PETER NOLAN

   The Play was produced by Lennox Robinson

------------------------------------------------------------------------




                                 ACT I


_Scene: JAMES DEEGAN’S new kitchen. The walls are raw and the doors and
windows unpainted, for the building is still unfinished._

_At the back are a door and windows to the farmyard; another door L. to
rooms. The fireplace is on the R., and a little beyond it is a cupboard,
built in the wall._

_A table, an old armchair, and a few ordinary chairs have been brought
over from the old house and are piled up in a corner._

_Time: A July night, about dusk._


  _PAUL TWYNING, in white jacket and overalls, is mixing mortar on
   the floor with a shovel._


   OLD DEEGAN [_off_]. Anybody here?

   PAUL. Yes, your worship; Paul’s here.


  _JAMES DEEGAN, J.P., a tall, grave old man, dressed in
   Gladstonian style, comes in from the yard._


   OLD DEEGAN. Paul Twyning, I want to speak a word.

   PAUL. Well, your worship?

   OLD DEEGAN [_irritably_]. I have told you repeatedly not to “worship”
me, sir! I’m not on the Bench now.

   PAUL. Well, sure I can’t bring myself to address you like an ordinary
man. Let me call you “your honour.” Sure, south of the Boyne a big man
like yourself--a farmer and magistrate--is called “your honour,” and
looks for it.

   OLD DEEGAN. We in the North are more democratic.... But that’s not my
errand here. What I want to know is--when will you be through with this
plastering?

   PAUL. In three or four days, master, if I’m spared the health. I’m
now at the cornishing in the parlour-room, and, as you see, I’m working
overtime and attending myself.

   OLD DEEGAN. The sooner you’re done and out of this the better.

   PAUL. Of coorse! That’s a tradesman’s thanks the world over.

   DEEGAN. When I took you in--a tramp off the highway--it was to
plaster my house, not to meddle in my family affairs.

   PAUL. Mr. Deegan, your honour, d’ye mean that? Is it in dead earnest
you are?

   DEEGAN. Certainly so.

   PAUL. And when and how did I meddle in your family affairs? Out with
it, now, for I won’t lie under it.

   DEEGAN. You had my son Daniel at a dance in M’Gothigan’s barn and
without my permission.

   PAUL. But your other son--Pat, that has the pub. in the town--was at
the dance himself and supplied the drink....

   DEEGAN. That was a business transaction. Besides, Patrick is a
married man, but this lad at home is single.

   PAUL. But the M’Gothigans are respectable people, and your lad, as
you call him, is over forty years of age....

   DEEGAN. My son Daniel is--like all the young men of his
generation--graceless and without understanding.

   PAUL. Well, of coorse, I only know him a short time, your honour, but
I’d formed a very high opinion of Dan.

   DEEGAN. No doubt.... But a tramp’s opinion of respectability and mine
are different. [_Sternly._] I don’t want a daughter-in-law of your
choosing, sir!

   PAUL. Nor, I suppose, of Dan’s either, your honour?

   DEEGAN. You have said it. Daniel will have no choice. [_Turning to
go_] I’m going now to interview a suitable female to be his wife, and if
she suits me, she’ll have to suit him, and you, and the M’Gothigans.
[_He goes out back._]

   PAUL. Well, begorry, I’ve tramped Ireland, England, and parts of
Scotland, but there is the worst specimen of the landed aristocracy I’ve
met.... That’s the sort of democrats the Land League left behind it.
[_Shouts._] Hi, Dan! You may emerge from your rat-hole. Ould Clanricarde
has gone out.


  _DAN DEEGAN comes in back. He is a wild-visaged man of medium
   height, with hair turning from grey to whiteness. He is clothed
   a few degrees worse than a hired servant, and moves with quick,
   furtive gestures._


   DAN. What did my fader say, Paul? In God’s name, amen.

   PAUL. Well, he seems to think, Dan, you’ve been sporting your figure
at M’Gothigan’s dance....

   DAN. Flames, has he heard I was there? What did he say? Did he
mention Rose? Quick, man, for your sowl, and tell a buddy.

   PAUL. Oh, he knows all about your love affair, Dan. But I must say he
took a very wide view of it. He says what is very true--that you have to
marry some time and why not now?

   DAN. My sowl, that is a wide view!

   PAUL. He also says that you were always a headstrong lad, and he
supposes if you’ve made Rose M’Gothigan a promise that you’ll stick to
it....

   DAN [_excited_]. Did he say that, Paul? Did he call me a stubbornt
fella?

   PAUL. Stiff-necked and stubborn were the words he used.

   DAN. I’m in flames, but he’s right! I was always as stiff as a mule
if I took a thing in my head.... But I didn’t speak the word to Rose,
Paul....

   PAUL. Eh! Is that the next of it? Let you answer me a few simple
questions. Didn’t you sit beside her last night till the cocks were
crowing this morning?

   DAN. I did, heth.

   PAUL. And didn’t you hold her hand for hours at a stretch?

   DAN. I’ll never deny it.

   PAUL. And didn’t you slip her a conversation-lozenger with the
inscription upon it:

     “I love you very dearly,
      And if you love me,
      In spite of wind and weather
      We shall married be.”

   DAN. I did, heth. And she read it and laft her fill.

   PAUL. And then you have the nerve to stand there and tell me you’re
not engaged!

   DAN [_confused_]. Does Rose think I axed her?

   PAUL. Aye, and what is more important, her father and mother both
maintain that you axed her....

   DAN. Oh, flames! has it went that far?

   PAUL. But they all know the sort of James Deegan, J.P. They know you
can’t bring a wife in here without his consent....

   DAN. Is that gospel true, Paul? Would Rose and her fader and mother
agree to wait?

   PAUL. Rose is only in the bud, and can afford to wait as long as you
like.

   DAN. Then, I’m in flames, but that settles it! I’ll see Rose this
night, afore I lay my side to a bed, and settle the match.... That’s the
sort of me. If ever I made up my mind to do a thing, I always tore
through it like a mad bull with the cholic.

   PAUL. Now that’s bould, headstrong talk. Now I like the way you
lowered your brows when you said that. I never saw such determination in
my life....

   DAN [_lowers his brows_]. I can look very detarmint when I like.... I
wish I’d done it twenty-five years ago.... I’ve been the wee boy too
long. But I’ve turned Turk at last.

   PAUL. Well, that will do for the present, Dan. [_Looks about the
floor_] See if I left my spatula in the room. [_DAN goes into the
room._] Poor Dan! Your battering-ram expression will change quickly once
ould Bismarck comes in....

   DAN [_comes in with spatula_]. Is that your bottle in the room, Paul?

   PAUL. That’s a souvenir of M’Gothigan’s dance. Fetch it here, Dan,
and we’ll celebrate your betrothal.


  _DAN goes into the room and returns with a bottle._


   DAN [_spelling the name on the label_]. “Pathrick Degan ... Boar’s
Head, Ballybullion.”... This is my brother Pat’s whiskey, Paul.

   PAUL. It’s nothing the better of that, Dan. Get a cup. [_DAN gets a
cup and PAUL pours a dose._] Toss it off quickly now, before it explodes
in your hand.

   DAN. Here’s to Rose herself, Paul.... Angels guard her, amen.
[_Drinks and wreathes violently._] I’m in flames, but that’s torpentine!

   PAUL [_pours a drink for himself_]. Here’s every day to you, Dan. May
yourself and Rose live for ever. [_Drinks._] Faith, sowl, that’s your
brother’s whiskey sure enough. You might as well swallow a torchlight
procession.

   DAN. Well, he said he made it spacial for the dance.

   PAUL. And so he did--he took too much pains with making it! Take it
away now. [_DAN leaves the bottle in the room and comes back._] Get me
some water, Dan, for this cement....

   DAN. Here’s the bucket.... [_Goes out to the yard._]

   PAUL. Rose M’Gothigan ought soon to be showing up, just if she hasn’t
changed her mind.


  _DAN rushes in._


   DAN. Paul, Paul Twyning! Who’s coming down the road? And all by her
lone! Guess!

   PAUL. Oh, I could never guess, Dan, in twenty years. I give it up.

   DAN. Rose herself.... May I never do what’s sinful.... And she’s
taking every look at the new house. Now’s my chance, Paul.

   PAUL. Tell me this quickly. Do you feel that nip of special in your
head yet?

   DAN. No, but I feel it in my feet. It’s flying down to my toes....
Will I go out and put the spake on her?

   PAUL. And a nice posy y’are to put the speak on anyone! Look at the
dirt of your face. And where is the blue dicky you wore at the dance?

   DAN. It should be here. [_Takes an old rag of a dicky from the
cupboard._] I hid it in here this morning when I come in from the dance.

   PAUL. Put the dicky on your neck and give the face a rub with a wet
rag, and I’ll invite Rose in to see the house....

   DAN. But what am I to say, Paul? How am I to seal the match? I never
did the like afore.

   PAUL. I believe I’ve a ring here that I picked up many years ago at
Lisdoonvarna. [_Takes a ring from his pocket._] It mayn’t be eighteen
carat, Dan, but it’s better than no ring at all. [_He gives DAN the
ring._] Put that on her finger, Dan, and she’s yours till the sands of
the desert grow cold.

   DAN. What finger, Paul?

   PAUL. Oh, she’ll hould out the correct finger, never fear you.

   DAN. But if it wouldn’t fit, Paul?

   PAUL. Then try some of the others. Put it on any finger it fits. The
main thing is to get it on.

   DAN. But what am I to say, Paul? How does other people do it?

   PAUL. There is no cut-and-dry formula, Dan. Some proposes with tears
in their eyes, and others with their eyes tight shut. And some says one
thing and some another. But in your case, something like this might do:
“Rose dear, after long and serious consideration, I’ve decided to ask
you to be Mrs. Dan Deegan. Now or never, Rose, will you marry me?”

   DAN. Sowl, that’s fine talk, Paul. You’re a handy boy wi’ the tongue.

   PAUL [_going_]. When you’re nicely groomed and the face scrubbed,
sing a lilt of a song, and I’ll fetch Rose in. [_He goes out back._]

   DAN [_scrubbing his face_]. Rose dear, after long and sarious
confederation, I’ve decided to ask you to be my wedded wife. [_Shakes
his head._] I don’t think that’s Paul’s version of it.... [_Struggles
with the dicky._] Is confederation or conflageration the best word?...
Och, what odds about a word? She’ll know what I mean, and that’s the
main thing. [_Gets the dicky fastened, and sings._]

     “No pipe I’ll smoke, no horse I’ll yoke,
      Till my plough with rust turns brown:
      Till a smiling maid, by my own fireside,
      Sits the star of the County Down.”


  _PAUL and ROSE M’GOTHIGAN come in back. ROSE is a pretty girl,
   aged twenty._


   PAUL. By glory above, Dan, you’ve a voice like a piccolo. About a
fortnight in Italy would make you perfect.

   DAN. Och, you’re only sconcing me, Paul. I wasn’t singing that well
at all. [_Shakes hands with ROSE._] Morra, Rose. You’re welcome there.
How are you feeling after the ball?

   ROSE. The best, Dan. How’s yourself?

   DAN. Oh, as right as the mail. [_Shakes his head._] We’d a big night,
Rose.... The biggest night ever I put in.

   ROSE. I’m glad you enjoyed yourself, Dan. [_Looks about_] This is a
fine big kitchen.

   DAN. Heth, sowl, it’s big enough. It’s like a gaol-yard.

   ROSE. It wants for nothing, Dan.

   DAN. Oh, it’s very complete, Rose.

   PAUL. Now that’s where you’re wrong, the pair of you. It is by no
means complete. It wants the main feature. Wait and I’ll explain what I
mean. [_Brings the old armchair to the fireside._] Now, my decent girl,
subside into that chair....

   ROSE. Oh, Paul, I haven’t a minute.

   PAUL. But I won’t keep you a second. I only want to let Dan see what
I’m driving at. [_ROSE sits down._] There now. The kitchen is no longer
a gaol. ’Tis a home sweet home.

   DAN [_chortling_]. Sowl, Paul, it takes yourself.

   PAUL. Now, Rose, I’ll ask you one simple question. If Dan had no one
but himself in the world, wouldn’t you be content to fill that chair for
life and for ever?

   ROSE. I suppose I would.

   DAN. And it’s my mother’s chair, too, Rose. Rest her in pace, amen.

   PAUL. There you are now, Dan. Yourself and Rose are half engaged
already. So I’ll give you a few minutes to settle it in the usual way,
and then I’ll come back.


  _He goes to the room door, but is seen to listen._


   DAN [_after an awkward pause_]. This was a fine growing day, Rose.

   ROSE. It was a bit hot about twelve.

   DAN. Aye, it was like rain in the forenoon.... I was in the moss all
day.

   ROSE. I was working in the hay.

   DAN. How’s it cutting, Rose?

   ROSE. Oh, fairly well, I think.

   DAN. Boys, we’d a big night last night, Rose. You were the belle of
the ball.

   ROSE. Och, you’re only saying that, Dan.

   DAN. I’m saying nothing of the kind, Rose. It’s the holy truth. You
were the belle.

   ROSE. The people was all remarking you and me talking, Dan.

   DAN. Let them remark their fill. They’ll maybe remark more than that
afore long. [_After a painful effort_] Rose dear, after long and sarious
confederation, I’ve decided to make you Mrs. Dan Deegan. Now or never,
Rose, will you marry me?

   ROSE. Oh, Dan, we needn’t talk.

   DAN. Why, Rose?

   ROSE. Because I haven’t a penny, and you’ll be wanting a girl with a
big fortune for this grand house....

   DAN. Me want a fortune! Not the cross of coin, Rose. You’re a fortune
yourself. You can feed pigs and milk cows and keep a house. That’s
enough for me.

   ROSE. But it’s not enough for your father, Dan. He’ll want a fortune.

   DAN. Well, my fader’s over seventy. Can’t we wait till he goes? All
here is mine after his day. Pat has the pub. in the town.

   ROSE. Well, Dan, I’ll wait.

   DAN. Och! I know’d you’d cave in at last! Love always finds a way.
And the ring’s here and all. [_Puts it on her finger._] You’re Rose
Deegan now, come weal or woe. It’s a long time since I concaited you.


  _PAUL comes in._


   PAUL. Another match made in heaven! My blessing, childer. [_Shakes
hands._] And now for a speedy marriage.

   DAN. Oh, we’ve agreed to wait my fader’s day, Paul.

   PAUL. I heard the arrangement, Dan. But that’s only because you can’t
see your way sooner. With your father’s consent and blessing you’d lose
little time, I’ll go bail.

   DAN. Not a day, Paul.

   PAUL. Very well, then, just leave me to settle with the ould man. I
think I can manipulate him.... If I succeed I’ll expect a small money
present. Say five pounds--to carry me down to Carlow.

   DAN. And you’ll get it. There’s my hand. [_They shake._]

   ROSE [_making to rise_]. I’ll be going now, Dan. Your father might
come in....

   DAN. Och, sit still, Rose. My fader won’t be in this hour. He’s away
to look at the young heifers....

   ROSE. I saw him going into Mullan’s.

   PAUL. It’s maybe an _ould_ heifer he’ll look at before he comes back.

   DAN [_alarmed_]. What d’ye mean, Paul? In God’s name, amen.

   PAUL. Isn’t there an ould doll in the name of Mullan, home from
America with a boatload of money?

   DAN. I’m in flames but you’re right. Ould Daisy Mullan.

   PAUL. Well, she’s the heifer your father’s off to see, Dan.
[_Listens._] Whisht! And, begorry, she hasn’t kept him long ... here
he’s back. [_He runs into the room._]

   DAN [_wildly_]. My fader, my fader, as God’s my judge!

   ROSE [_leaps up_]. Oh, Dan, Dan!

   DAN. Hide the ring--hide the ring!


  _OLD DEEGAN comes in back._


   OLD DEEGAN. Just so. I beg leave to be excused for coming in without
knocking.

   ROSE. I’ll be going, Dan....

   OLD DEEGAN. Tarry a moment, Miss M’Gothigan.

   DAN [_shaking_]. I was only showing her the new house, fader.

   DEEGAN. Did you tell her who built the new house?

   DAN. Oh, the whole world knows that, fader. It was yourself built it
and paid it.

   DEEGAN. How do you know whether it’s paid or not, young man?

   DAN [_dashed_]. Oh, well, I hope it is, anyway.

   DEEGAN. That’s a good boy. Hope well and you’ll have well. [_Glancing
at the chair_] You have been trying how Miss M’Gothigan would fill your
mother’s chair, I see.

   DAN [_broken_]. She was only in it a minute, fader.

   DEEGAN. And you have on your good dicky, I observe.

   DAN. I only put it on after you went out, fader.

   DEEGAN. Take it off, sir!

   DAN. Yes, fader. [_Goes back and struggles with dicky._]

   DEEGAN. Does the new house suit you, Miss M’Gothigan?

   ROSE [_choking_]. It’s a fine house, sir....

   DEEGAN. It will be a fine home for a young woman with certain
qualifications. Daniel would be inclined to be rash in these matters,
but I’ll take care he makes no mistakes. Now I won’t detain you, Miss
M’Gothigan. I’ll bid you a good evening.

   ROSE. Good ... evening.... [_Goes out sobbing._]

   DEEGAN [_wipes the chair with his handkerchief and sits down_]. Come
forward, boy.

   DAN. Yes, fader. [_Stands forward._]

   DEEGAN. Is there anything between you and that low-born trull of
Denis M’Gothigan’s?

   DAN. Not a ha’porth, fader. Thank God, amen.

   DEEGAN. What authority had you to bring her into my house?

   DAN. It was Paul Twyning, fader. He axed her in to see the
plastering.

   DEEGAN. And what authority had Paul Twyning to invite a strange
female in here?

   DAN. I don’t know, fader. Him and the M’Gothigans is very pact. Maybe
that was it.

   DEEGAN. Paul Twyning and the M’Gothigans are much the same breed of
inferiors. Tell Paul Twyning to come forth.

   DAN. Yes, fader. [_Goes to the room door and shouts_] Paul Twyning,
you’re awanting! [_PAUL appears._] My fader wants you, Paul. [_Aside_]
Not a word, Paul, for the love of God, amen. I’m denying everything.

   PAUL [_coming forward_]. Well, your honour, have you brought the ould
aisy-chair across to the new hearth? Long may you fill it in comfort.

   DEEGAN. Oh, thank you.... It won’t be long empty when I’m gone....
Was it you invited that person M’Gothigan to inspect the new house in my
absence?

   PAUL. I didn’t see much harm in asking a good girl to look at the
plastering, God bless it. And by the same token, I thought yourself was
upstairs the while.

   DEEGAN [_sharply_]. That will do, sir!

   PAUL. What will do, sir?

   DEEGAN. I want no more of that.

   PAUL. Oh, very well, all right! [_Takes off his jacket._] If you want
no more of it, neither do I.... Give me three days’ pay and let me back
to a dacent country....

   DEEGAN [_stands up_]. You have taken me up wrong, sir. I didn’t mean
you to stop work. I meant you to stop lying.

   PAUL. That’s worse again! [_Pitches the jacket on the floor._] My
three days’ pay, or an apology. Now suit yourself.

   DEEGAN. An apology? For what?

   PAUL. For as good as calling me a liar. [_Loudly_] Devil recaive the
spark of plaster I’ll put on the wall till you apologise! And for
little, I’d plaster the house with writs for defamation of character.

   DEEGAN. Writs! I’ve been in the Four Courts of Dublin in my time.

   PAUL. And from what I hear, you’ve dragooned the whole parish ever
since.... But by my sowl, you won’t dragoon Paul Twyning! You were only
a week-end in Dublin, but I was born and raised and educated in it.

   DEEGAN. You’re a great credit to it.... But go on with the
plastering. I withdraw the words I said ... or perhaps you’d prefer a
written apology?

   PAUL. Oh, the verbal repudiation will satisfy my honour. But since
you’ve raised my dander I’ll press for full trades union rights. As a
journeyman I’m entitled to bring in any man, woman, or child to examine
my work. That’s how we tradesmen build up a reputation.

   DEEGAN. Just so. Who will you invite next?

   PAUL. Daisy Mullan’s aunt, for one. She has a bedroom wants a
ceiling.

   DEEGAN. Miss Mullan’s aunt will be very welcome.

   PAUL. And Denis M’Gothigan’s pantry needs new lath and plaster.
[_Picks up his jacket._] I’ll have my full rights, or down tools. [_Goes
into the room._]

   DEEGAN. That tramp scoundrel has more in his mind than plastering....
I hope you gave no promise of any kind to the slut?

   DAN. No promise, fader. Thank God, amen.

   DEEGAN. If you have, I’ll deal drastically with you. I’ll march you
to Derry quay and put you aboard the emigrant ship, with my own hands.
Mind that.

   DAN [_shivers_]. You wouldn’t do that, fader dear.

   DEEGAN. Try to thwart me, or disobey me, and you’ll see.... I have
done it with your brothers and sisters when I was less independent than
I’m now, and I’ll do it with you, too. [_Holds up his hand._] Do you see
that hand on my body?

   DAN. Yes, fader.

   DEEGAN. May it wither if I don’t make an example of you!

   DAN [_trembles_]. But I’m not trying to twart you, fader. I’ve no
mind to twart you.

   DEEGAN. Not to my face. But the moment you get my back turned, you
have a dirty M’Gothigan cocked in your dead mother’s chair.... May the
Most High keep me in temper....

   DAN. Amen, fader. Don’t vex yourself, fader. I’ll never marry nobody
your day....

   DEEGAN. You’ll marry to-morrow if you’re told! And the choice will be
mine, not yours.

   DAN. All right, fader. You’re the best judge of a cow or a horse in
the parish, and maybe of a well-doing woman too.

   DEEGAN. If she has a certain sum of hard money I won’t look too
closely at her points. My thick-witted son is not such a catch in
himself.

   DAN. God knows that’s true, fader.

   DEEGAN. I have my eye on a suitable female for this chair. She’s like
yourself, not embarrassed with too much intelligence, but I understand
she has money....

   DAN [_aghast_]. The ould Yankee Mullan! Ould Daisy Mullan that could
be my granny!

   DEEGAN. You are wrong, sir. Miss Mullan is in the prime of life.
[_Sternly_] Would you dare turn the word on me, sir?

   DAN [_meekly_]. Oh, whatever you plan, yourself, fader, I’m
agreeable.... You’re a highly educated man.... And I know nothing, God
help me.... But I don’t like her Yankee twang....

   DEEGAN. If her Yankee twang keeps you in the far fields, so much the
better. I’m not marrying you to be happy, or to sit with your toes in
the ashes.... Go now, and put on your Sunday clothes....

   DAN. Where am I going, fader?--in God’s name, amen!

   DEEGAN. You’re going over with me to Mullan’s!... Wash the lime and
mortar from behind your ears. And keep the cap pulled down over your
hair.... It’s nice to see a boy of your age with grey hair in his head!

   DAN. I can’t help my hair turning white, fader.... Will I put this
dicky on my neck?

   DEEGAN. Certainly so.


  _PAUL comes in for mortar._


   PAUL. Dan, boys will be boys, and all of us make mistakes. But I
think you ought to take your distinguished father into your
confidence....

   DAN. I’m in flames, but I’m betrayed! Sold like a bullock in
Smithfield! [_Dashes into the room._]

   PAUL. I may be only a tramp, your honour, but I’ve an Irish heart in
my body, and it hurts me to see a foolish boy deceiving a good father.

   DEEGAN. Paul Twyning, you are a better man than I gave you credit
for.... What has this lad been doing?

   PAUL. He has been offering marriage to Rose M’Gothigan, and, needless
to say, she accepted.

   DEEGAN [_staggers_]. Oh, don’t say that word! Tell me he has stolen
something, or taken a false oath, but don’t say he’s pledged to that
inferior.

   PAUL. It grieves me to hurt a proud father’s feelings, but I must
protest the truth. He proposed to her in that aisy-chair a few minutes
ago, and was accepted under my own eyes....

   DAN [_appears in room doorway_]. It’s a lie, Judas! Mind, I’m
prepared to fight for my life. It’s your oath again mine, and what are
you but a tramp from God knows where?

   DEEGAN. Go inside, sir, and close the door! Leave my sight, lest
Satan tempt me to lift my hand.

   DAN. My oath’s as good as Paul Twyning’s.

   PAUL. You could probably swear me clean out of court, Dan; but you
can’t swear your way through an engagement-ring.

   DAN [_loudly_]. Flames to the traitor! [_Goes in and bangs the
door._]

   DEEGAN. Paul Twyning, be careful. A ring?

   PAUL. A ring, your honour. He put it on her finger and kissed her
before I could run out and stop him.

   DEEGAN. Are you prepared to swear to that?

   PAUL. I couldn’t do otherwise, your honour, and keep the conscience
right.

   DEEGAN [_drops into the chair_]. Then Denis M’Gothigan has got a case
against me at last!

   PAUL. I’ll leave you alone now with your grief, master. I’m glad I’d
the courage to do my duty.

   DEEGAN. Thank you.

   PAUL [_knocks at room door_]. May I come in, Dan?

   DAN [_inside_]. Flames to the traitor!


  _PAUL goes in._


   DEEGAN [_stands up_]. This has decided me. If Daisy Mullan can give
me proof of her financial position, I’ll make the match before I
sleep....


  _DAISY MULLAN comes in back. She is an oldish, noisy,
   over-dressed person, with horn-rimmed glasses, much cheap
   jewellery, and a conspicuous vanity-bag._


   DAISY. Ogee, Mr. Deegan, what do you blamed well think? I let you
come away without getting your advice on several business propositions.
First thing, I wanna ask you about the Irish banking system. Is the
Irish banks safe, Mr. Deegan?

   DEEGAN. Our leading banks are perfectly safe.

   DAISY. And you think they’d give a gel a square deal if she was
having her money crossed over from the States to this country, do you,
Mr. Deegan?

   DEEGAN. Not the least doubt of it.

   DAISY. Then I’d wanna know the best gamut for collecting my rents and
having ’em remitted, in case I should buy me a shack and settle down
around here for a spell. Whatcha know about that, Mr. Deegan?

   DEEGAN. That could easily be arranged later.

   DAISY. Say, Mr. Deegan, you’ve sure taken a mighty weight off my
shoulders. But ain’t it too blamed bad, my racing after you like this
and blistering you with my troubles, ain’t it?

   DEEGAN. No trouble, Miss Mullan, where you are concerned.

   DAISY. By gosh, ain’t that just lovely! Say, Mr. Deegan, I guess it
ain’t the first time you’ve jollied a gel, sure not. [_Throws her eye
round the house._] So this is your noo house, is it? And a blamed swell
building to look at, you bet. Large, airy, and commodious. Health to
enjoy it, my friend.

   DEEGAN. Thank you kindly. It’s still in a raw state, or I would take
you through it. The plasterer is still working in the room....

   DAISY. Oh, that Dublin feller, eh? He’s a good mechanic, ain’t he?
M’auntie’s going to have him plaster a bedroom.

   DEEGAN. Paul Twyning may have other faults, but he’s a good
tradesman.

   DAISY. Hits the liquor, do he?

   DEEGAN. He is by no means a sot. But he can’t keep his nose out of
other people’s business. He has only been three weeks in this locality,
but he could write a history of the inhabitants. He questions the very
children along the road as to their antecedents.

   DAISY. Ain’t that for you, now! And m’aunt she thinks him such an
innocent babe. [_Opens her vanity-bag._] And now for some more trouble,
Mr. Deegan. I’ve got an American bank draft here for a small amount, but
seems I gotta have it endorsed by a responsible person before an Irish
bank can fork out. Is that right, Mr. Deegan?

   DEEGAN [_chary_]. I’m much afraid that’s the rule. [_Puts on his
specs._]

   DAISY [_fishes out a paper_]. This ain’t it. This is my insurance
policy on a block of house property I got on Mount Airy, West
Philadelphia. [_Hands it to him._] You hang on to that a moment, please,
till I root out what I want.

   DEEGAN [_brightening_]. With pleasure. [_Scans the document._]

   DAISY [_takes out another paper_]. What the all-fired noosiance have
I got here? Why, yeah. My broker’s receipts for a bunch of stock in the
Chesapeake, Ohio, and Pennsylvania Railway. [_Hands it over._] I’ll
trouble you to hold it, Mr. Deegan.

   DEEGAN. No trouble. [_Reads it._]


  _PAUL comes in, and coughs to draw attention._


   PAUL. Beg pardon. I’m sorry to interrupt the good work, but I want my
spatula.

   DEEGAN. No harm, Paul.

   DAISY. Say, Mr. Paul Twyning, when are you coming to plaster
m’auntie’s bedroom?

   PAUL [_takes off his hat_]. About the fourth day from now, melady, if
I’m spared the health.

   DAISY. Waal, that’s a date. I’ll tell m’auntie to have the room all
cleared out.

   PAUL. She may clear out the room, melady, but let her not order the
material till I first run my dimension-rule over the interior and give
her an estimate.

   DAISY. I’ll sure tell her so. But, say, if you was in America and
talk like that, you’d get fifteen dollars a day easy.

   PAUL. I’ve a brother in Chicago--a lath-and-plasterer--making exactly
that sum, melady.... But I mustn’t be interrupting the good work....
[_Looks about the floor_] I thought my spatula was here, but it must be
outside. [_Goes out back._]

   DAISY. Say, ain’t he mannerable?

   DEEGAN. He can pass himself very well.

   DAISY [_takes out the draft_]. Ah, here we are.... It’s only for
three thousand bucks--about six hundred pounds. You just have a squint,
Mr. Deegan, and see if it’s correctly drawn.

   DEEGAN [_scans it carefully_]. It’s drawn on the local bank,
Ballybullion.

   DAISY. Yeah, the local bank. It’s got a branch in Ballybullion, has
it?

   DEEGAN. Certainly so.... And, better still, I do business there
myself and know the manager intimately.

   DAISY. Why, dear Mr. Deegan, you’re a real public benefactor.

   DEEGAN [_hands her back all papers_]. I’m going into the town
to-morrow morning, and I’ll give myself the pleasure of driving you to
the bank, and if you require my signature, I’ll be at your side.

   DAISY. Why, my dear friend! I thank you over and over again, and then
some.

   DEEGAN [_takes off his specs._]. No thanks at all, Miss Mullan. I’m
very pleased to be able to oblige you, and more than pleased to see how
well you have succeeded abroad. [_Draws forward armchair_] Take this
chair, if you please, till I call my son Daniel.

   DAISY [_sits down, laughing_]. Say, Mr. Deegan, you’re such a
professor of human kindness. You might put in a good word for me with
your son Dan or some other likely feller in the settlement. I allus said
I’d never marry a Yankee, and you bet I’ve kept my word.

   DEEGAN. I’m going to recommend you to my son Daniel. This house and
ninety-five acres of freehold will be his portion. He’s a good steady
boy, free of all vice.

   DAISY. Say, Mr. James Deegan, I hope you ain’t joshing me. Mind, I’m
plum-serious. Yes, sir, if you can offer me a loose proposition like Dan
Deegan, I’m just going to prance right in and grab.... I can put a few
thousands into this ranch and make things buzz like a top.

   DEEGAN. I’m not a frivolous man, Daisy Mullan. I’m a serious man, and
particularly serious in matters affecting my own house and family.

   DAISY [_sets her hat_]. Then you can’t have Den too blamed speedy on
the tape for mine. Is he in?

   DEEGAN. He should be in this room. [_Pausing._] I’ll leave you
together after the introduction. You may have to encourage him a little.

   DAISY [_giggles_]. Gee! Am I to do the sparking, am I?

   DEEGAN. That will depend on how he behaves. [_Opens room door_] Are
you here, Daniel?

   DAN [_inside_]. Ay, I’m fixing myself.

   DEEGAN. You’ll do very well. Come forth. [_DAN comes out in an
ill-fitting ready-made suit._] Miss Mullan, my son Daniel.

   DAISY [_leaps up_]. Why, my! it’s Den! Not a shaving of differs since
we was boy and gel at school. [_Grabs his hand._] And how is it, Den?
Purt good, I guess, eh?

   DAN [_smothering_]. Oh, fairish, fairish, fairish!

   DAISY. And, like myself, Den, you ain’t married yet, are you?

   DAN. Not yet--not yet.... Nor no notion o’t. [_Backs away._]

   DAISY [_sits down_]. Draw up a chair, Den, and let’s have a gibber
about the old schooldays....

   DEEGAN [_after a pause_]. Come, boy; have you nothing to say for
yourself?

   DAN. I don’t mind much about my schooldays. I never was many days at
the school.

   DAISY. Waal, set right down, Den, and I’ll stir up your recollection
some.

   DEEGAN [_brings another chair_]. Come forward, boy.

   DAN [_aside_]. God help me now, amen! [_Sits down._]

   DEEGAN. Now, both of you are aware of what I have in mind. So I want
no delays. Making a match is like swopping horses--the less one knows
about the other the better.... You have my permission to proceed. [_He
goes into the room and shuts the door._]

   DAISY [_making eyes at DAN_]. Say, Den, ain’t this dinky? A-setting
at our own fireside, like Darby and Joan, ain’t we? [_Draws her chair
closer._] What a swell picture-postal we’d take--and you with your arm
round me--eh?

   DAN [_bounces up_]. The Lord stand between me and the snares of
Satan, amen!

   DAISY. What’s the trouble, Den?

   DAN. I’m a dacent boy. That’s the trouble.

   DAISY [_rising_]. But, my dear Den, we gotta get married, or dad will
be so mad.

   DAN [_retreats, and is followed by DAISY_]. That’s nice talk--about
marriage--afore you know me five minutes.... Keep back now. Don’t
surround me.

   DAISY. You ain’t skeert, Den, are you?

   DAN. Oh, I can defend myself--if it comes to that!... Keep back....
Don’t swarm in on me. [_Moves backwards._]

   DAISY [_following him_]. If you ain’t skeert, why run back aways,
like that? Why not halt and talk?

   DAN [_warding her off_]. Don’t crowd me, now! Keep a civil distance
off me.... [_Moves on._]

   DAISY. Now, Denny, you know blamed well you just love your own Daisy.
Ain’t it so? Mind, I ain’t a gel to chase a man around.

   DAN. Back, back, back! [_Picks up the shovel._]

   DAISY [_halts_]. Look ahyar, young man. Are we going to make a
contract, yea or nay? Now speak.

   DAN. No contracts ... no contracts.... I’m not a marrying man....

   DAISY. Then I guess that ends the courtship. Let’s tell dad. [_She
goes towards the room._]

   DAN. Hi, wait a minute! [_Scratches his head._] That would be
twartin’ him....

   DAISY [_comes back_]. How now, Denny? Changed your mind, have you?

   DAN [_feebly_]. I dunno what to do.... God help me, amen!

   DAISY [_taking his arm_]. Let’s set down like sensible folks, Denny,
and I’ll tell you what to do. [_They sit down._] Now, Den, this ain’t no
boy-and-gel love-affair. This is a deal. Your dad has seen my papers and
they suit him. He needs my money to finish this here house, and you
can’t have the dollars without Daisy. [_Draws closer._] Now, Den, it’s
your move.... Don’t be skeert to offend me....


  _DENIS M’GOTHIGAN and ROSE come in back. DENIS is a sturdy
   little farmer with a full beard._


   DENIS. Well, are ye foolin’ another gerril, Dan? Is’t not enough to
fool my daughter, without foolin’ the whole naberhood?

   DAN [_jumps up_]. I’m in flames, but this is a judgment! [_Stands
gazing blankly at DENIS._] Mind, my fader’s in that room, Denis. If he
comes out he’ll martyr me.

   DENIS. Oh, the sooner he hears what I have to say the better.
[_Shouts._] I’ve no cows grazed with James Deegan, LL.D. I disregard the
ould lan’ grabber or the breed of him....


  _OLD DEEGAN comes from the room._


   DAN [_wringing his hands_]. Oh, I wisht the ground would open its
mouth and swalley me!

   DEEGAN. Small farmers have large voices. Whom are you threatening
now, Denis?

   DENIS. I’m come to see about this match between your fool son and my
daughter. It was noan of my seekin’ nor my makin’. But the job’s done
now, and I’ll make him toe the line, or I’ll know for why. He’ll not
make a laughin’-stock of my daughter. [_Stamps his foot._] I’m damned if
he will!

   DEEGAN. Have you anything in writing, Denis?

   DENIS. No, but I’ve good eye-witness. Paul Twyning seen and heard the
engagement....


  _PAUL comes in back._


   PAUL. Who’s taking Paul’s name in vain? Paul Twyning is a stranger in
your midst and doesn’t want his name mixed up in this rural squabble at
all.

   DAN. That’s right, Paul. Deny everything.

   DENIS [_hotly to PAUL_]. Ye were an eye-witness! Ye were an
eye-witness! [_Menaces PAUL._] If ye deny it, I’ll smash ye!

   PAUL [_flies off the handle_]. Hell recaive the mongrel in the nine
counties of Ulster can put them up to Paul Twyning! [_Squares out._]
Come on now--the whole three of you! [_Knocks the hat off DENIS._] Come
on, I say! For three month in this barren country has left me
blue-moulding for a fight....

   DEEGAN. Order! I’ll not have my house turned into a Dublin
doss-house.

   DAN. That’s right, fader. You know the law.

   DEEGAN [_slaps DAN_]. How dare you speak a word, sir! I’ll take the
belt to you later.

   DAN. God help me, amen. I’m always blamed.

   DEEGAN. Denis M’Gothigan, promise or no promise, you have no case. My
prodigal son has nothing here but the name.

   DENIS. Ho, heth, we’ll see about that! The prodigal can claim for
sarvent’s wages.... Oh, by the holy, you’ll not twist Denis.... I’ve a
witness and a ring and a conversation-lozenger....

   DAN. It’s a lie!

   ROSE. Oh, Dan, Dan!

   DENIS. Hand me that lozenger, gerril. [_ROSE gives him a big broad
sweet._] Wait till the jury hears this. [_Reads._]

     “I love you very dearly,
      And if you love me,
      In spite of wind and weather
      We shall married be.”

   DAN. It’s a lie. I never had that lozenger in my possession. It was a
wee peppermint I give her....

   ROSE. Oh, Dan, Dan!

   DAN. Oh, it’s easy for you to “Dan, Dan.” But it’s me’s fighting for
my life.

   ROSE. And there’s the ring. [_Holds up her hand._]

   DAN. That’s not my ring at all. It’s Paul Twyning’s ring. He picked
it up--or stole it from the pilgrims--at Lisdoonvarna.

   PAUL. Dan Deegan, mind what you’re saying, or I’ll clout you one on
the ear.

   DAN. I mind rightly what I’m saying. I’m in flames, but I mean to
clear myself!

   DEEGAN. Denis M’Gothigan, the courts are open to you. But I think it
my duty to inform you that the defendant is about to emigrate....

   DAN [_bursts out crying_]. A bad end to you, Paul Twyning!... This is
what comes of bad company.... I was a happy boy till I met you....
[_Sobs bitterly._]

   PAUL. The prayers of the wicked hath no travalley. Dan! You’ve gone
the pace and must take the consequences.

   ROSE [_crying_]. Don’t emigrate him, Mr. Deegan. I don’t care about
myself ... but don’t emigrate Dan.

   DENIS [_grabs ROSE_]. Come on, m’gerrill! I’ll have noan of this
whumpering.... I’ll have damages, or rid the country of him. [_Leads
ROSE out back._]

   PAUL. You’ll be another Columcille, Dan. You won’t even get back to
Ireland blindfolded.... [_Looks about the floor._] Well, begorry, after
I searching the whole place, outside and in, there is my spatula!
[_Picks it up and goes into the room._]

   DEEGAN [_roars at DAN_]. Go and take off your good clothes--you
damned prodigal scoundrel, you!


  _DAN goes into the room blubbering._


   DAISY [_rising_]. I feel downright sorry for you, Mr. Deegan. I do.

   DEEGAN. I’m obliged to you, Miss Mullan. But this is not my first
trouble of the kind. I had to banish four other sons and two daughters
for disobedience, and this lad’s by far the worst of the lot.

   DAISY. It’s a plum shame the way your family have treated you. Here
you are with a noo house and a large farm, and no one to look after you
but a few servants. It’s a downright crime. [_The room door is opened
cautiously, and DAN is seen to listen._] Why, my dear friend, what you
want is a good-hearted young woman to look after you and take an
interest in you.

   DEEGAN. I wish I had thought of that fifteen years ago.... I’m too
old now.

   DAISY. Too old! Why, you’re a fresher man than your son Dan. In
America a man of your age is dancing and flirting and only beginning to
enjoy life.

   DEEGAN. It’s good of you to flatter an old man. [_Lays his hand on
her shoulder_] If I had met you ten or twelve years ago, I might have
put a certain question to you.

   DAISY. If you’d met me ten years ago, you’d have met a comparatively
poor gel, for I’ve made all my money in the last decade.... But ain’t it
better late than never?

   DEEGAN [_animated_]. Mind what you’re saying, Daisy. My heart is
younger than my face.

   DAISY. I know fine what I’m saying, Jimes. And I repeat--ain’t it
better late than never?

   DEEGAN. You would give me a new lease of life, Daisy.

   DAISY. I sure would, dear.

   DEEGAN. I’m not after your money, Daisy. I would make you an
assignment of everything I possess in the world.

   DAISY. And I’d take care you wanted for nothing, dear.... I’d have
your house and garden the talk of this here settlement.... Out there in
front of the door I’d have a double hedge of sweet-pea....

   DEEGAN [_drops on one knee and takes her hand_]. Daisy, will you
marry me...?

   DAN [_shouts_]. Paul, Paul! Quick! The ould man’s down on his
knees.... Good God! the man that shook hands with Parnell himself....


  _PAUL dashes from the room._


   PAUL. Congratulations ... congratulations! Is it all settled?

   DAISY. Why, sure! He’s asked me to marry him, and my answer is--Yaas!

   PAUL. And I have great pleasure in being a witness. [_Aside_] And ten
to one I’ll be called.


                               _Curtain_


------------------------------------------------------------------------




                                 ACT II


_The following day--forenoon._

_A drinking-room in Patrick Deegan’s public-house. There is a door to
the kitchen, one to the bar, and a side door to the yard._


  _PATRICK DEEGAN, a big, rough man with a whiskey nose, comes in
   from the bar, followed by PAUL TWYNING and DAN DEEGAN._


   PATRICK. Now don’t all spake at once. Keep you your tongue in your
teeth, Dan, and let Paul Twyning that has travelled the world and seen
something in his time tell me about this calamity.... One thing we all
know: if Mullan had the ould man on his knees, she never let him up till
he settled the business.


  _MRS. DEEGAN, a grey-haired woman with a troubled face, looks in
   from the bar._


   MRS. DEEGAN. Patrick dear, won’t you let me come in and hear the rest
of it?

   PATRICK. Away to blazes, you, and mind the bar! If I want your advice
I’ll for send you. I never had an hour’s luck since the day I tane you.

   MRS. DEEGAN. Well, well. Maybe you’ll get rid of me, and you’ll have
good luck then. [_She turns to go._]

   PATRICK. Here! bring us a taste of something to drink.... What’s
yours, Paul?

   PAUL. Plain whiskey.

   DAN. Me a wee taste of wine.

   PATRICK. Wine the devil! [_To MRS. DEEGAN_] Three glasses of whiskey
from the wee jar in the gas-meter. Fly now!

   MRS. DEEGAN [_comes back_]. Patrick Deegan, are you wild mad? If you
taste whiskey this day and your father coming in--I know what ’ill
happen. He’ll sign this house over to Daisy Mullan, and we’ll be left
homeless....

   PATRICK. Shut up your long face and bring the whiskey. Could I do
business without a good rosener to steady me? Fly now.

   MRS. DEEGAN. Oh, very well. You’ll see who’s right and who’s wrong
before the chapel bell rings six. [_She goes out to the bar._]

   PATRICK. Take sates, boys. I couldn’t sit down myself, I’m that
through-over.


  _PAUL and DAN sit down at the table. MRS. DEEGAN comes in with
   three glasses on a tray._


   PAUL. Here’s good luck and good health....

   PATRICK. Don’t drink a minute, Paul. I want to ask you one question.
Are you on our side or the ould man’s? Mind, a five-pound note never
raired Pat Deegan. If you help me to manœuvre him into making me an
assignment of this house the day--I’ll not forget a friend.

   PAUL. I’m dead again the ould man on principle.

   PATRICK. That’s the style, by Mozes! On what principle, Paul?

   PAUL. That a man of seventy-five should be thinking about his sowl
instead of his honeymoon.

   PATRICK. A new proverb, by Mozes! We’ll drink to that afore we say
another word. [_Raising his glass_] Here’s a plague on the ould Yankee
Mullan that has brought all this trouble on quiet, dacent people.


  _All drink._


   MRS. DEEGAN. Patrick dear, Jim’s in the bar. Won’t you let me stay
and hear what you’re going to do?

   PATRICK. Aye, certainly, Janey.... Heth, I don’t know who has a
better right to hear the outs and ins of it than my own Janey. [_MRS.
DEEGAN sits._] Now, Paul, you’re the man I want to hear. What’s your
opinion of the whole tragedy?

   PAUL. Well, in the first place, I think your father--God forgive
him--has treated his fine family worse than the mud on the road. Four
sons and two daughters banished, the boy Dan about to be pushed out with
the grey ribs in his hair, and yourself a cottier with no more fixity of
tenure than one of Clanricarde’s tenants in the evil days.

   PATRICK [_grabs MRS. DEEGAN_]. D’ye hear that? D’ye hear what a smart
man that has paraded the world says? Is them my own words a-fifty times
over?

   MRS. DEEGAN. Oh, indeed, many a time you said that, Patrick.

   PATRICK. Purceed, Paul.

   PAUL. And the worst--the saddest feature of all--James Deegan is an
able man.

   PATRICK. Able! A man that shook hands with Parnell himself. A man
that addressed the gowned judges in the Four Courts of Dublin. Aye, by
Mozes, he’s an able man!

   PAUL. But, like every great man of ancient or modern times, James
Deegan has made a mess in the last lap.

   PATRICK. Aye, look at ould Gladstone, and Parnell himself.

   PAUL. I almost despair of my own sex when I see James Deegan--a
white-haired man, as grave and solemn as his own memorial--making love
on his two knees to an ould washed-out Yankee cook.

   PATRICK. By Mozes, it’s no wonder you despair.

   MRS. DEEGAN. Now you’ll blether on till he comes in. Then you’ll have
less to say.

   PAUL. The lady is right. He’ll be in soon, for we passed him and his
fiancée in the trap within half a mile of town. Myself and Dan were in
the creamery-waggon, and we covered up with empty sacks that he wouldn’t
see us.

   MRS. DEEGAN. In God’s name, will Daisy Mullan take him?

   PAUL. Would a duck swallow a dew-worm?

   MRS. DEEGAN. Has she property in America?

   PAUL. I don’t know about the property, but she has more deeds and
documents in her vanity-bag than would do the Congested Districts
Boord.... And she’ll have more before night comes, for he’ll sign the
farm over to her this day in front of an attorney....

   PATRICK. Oh, my head, my head! [_Holds his head._] By Mozes, I’m
wake!

   MRS. DEEGAN. Why didn’t you take her yourself, Dan, if she wants a
man?

   PAUL. Poor Dan has his own troubles.... Isn’t he pledged to Rose
M’Gothigan?

   PATRICK. What! Pledged to who?

   PAUL. Keep cool now, for pity’s sake.... How could Dan be wise and
his father a fool? He’d the misfortune to speak to Rose, and she
consented....

   PATRICK [_reaching for DAN_]. For two straws I’d bring the win’pipe
out in my hand! I see it all now. You were sitting humpt up beside her
the whole night of the dance.... It’s you has riz the devil in the ould
man.... [_Reaches again._] I’ll fetch the win’pipe....

   DAN. Don’t touch me now! I’m in flames, if I’ll stand it.

   PAUL. Leave Dan alone, Patrick. Isn’t he well enough punished, and he
about to be shipped to a foreign shore?


  _JIM DEEGAN, a thin boy of eighteen, comes in from the bar._


   JIM. I say, I say! My granda’s away driving up the street, with a
woman in the trap....

   PATRICK. And did he not think worth his while to stop at the door?

   JIM. He never looked in as much as.

   PAUL. He’s taking Daisy up to the bank. She has a Yankee draft to
cash, and he’s going to endorse it.

   PATRICK. He’ll rue that, by Mozes! I never seen a Yankee draft yet
worth tuppence. [_To JIM_] Away you out to the bar, boy.... Away now,
afore I lift something and split your skull.

   JIM. What’s wrong, da?

   PATRICK. Away, and don’t ask so many questions. You’d talk as much as
your mother.... Away--afore I lift this table and brain you.

   JIM. Is my granda going to marry that woman, da?

   PATRICK. Aye, he wants a wife instead of a coffin.... Go on, now,
like a good wee son, and mind the bar. That’s a boy!

   JIM. And will he not lay me the farm--and me called for him?

   DAN. Flames to you! what right have you to the farm?

   JIM. Da, won’t you....

   PATRICK. Will you go and mind the bar? [_Makes a race at him._] By
Mozes, I’ll lame you! [_JIM runs out._] Your mother has you spoiled.

   PAUL [_rising_]. I don’t want the ould man to know I’m in the town at
all, for he left me plastering the parlour room.... I’ll sit in the
kitchen and sip a bottle of stout.... Come along, Dan.


  _PAUL and DAN go off right._


   PATRICK. This is a tragedy! Daisy Mullan ’ill revenge herself on
me....

   MRS. DEEGAN [_rising_]. What has Daisy Mullan against you?

   PATRICK. I coorted her awhile about thirty years ago.

   MRS. DEEGAN. Och, she was lucky didn’t get you. She’ll have forgot
all about it.

   PATRICK. Will she indeed! She’ll mind it rightly. [_Looks wild._]
I’ll go and get blind drunk....

   MRS. DEEGAN. You’ll do nothing of the kind. You’ll leave everything
to me. Who knows but this is all for good? If he ships Dan, we might be
able to stop the wedding, and then Jim would get the farm after all.

   PATRICK. If you can manage that I’ll buy you the best pair of
slippers in Ballybullion. I will, by Mozes!


  _JIM rushes in._


   JIM. I say, I say! My granda’s away into the yard ... the woman’s in
the bank. And Denis M’Gothigan and his daughter Rose is away into
Attorney Dawson’s....

   MRS. DEEGAN. Well, well! One thing at once. You’re like all the
Deegans--you won’t make anything smaller. [_To PATRICK_] Go out,
Patrick, and help your father to put in the mare ... and don’t let on
you know a ha’porth.

   PATRICK. I’ll be as nice as ninepence at first. But if he doesn’t
sign this house over to me this day I’ll give him and ould Daisy a
wedding-present, by Mozes! [_Goes out the side-door to the yard._]

   JIM. Ma, what’s wrong?

   MRS. DEEGAN. Don’t bother me, son.

   JIM. My granda looks powerful stern.

   MRS. DEEGAN. Well, be you very glad to see him when he comes in, and
remind him that you’re called for him.

   JIM. Heth, I will, ma. But if he doesn’t lay me the farm or gimme six
hunnert pound, I’ll tell him another story some day!

   MRS. DEEGAN [_with energy_]. Here, listen to me. Take the wee bottle
and sixpence, and tell the druggist to fill it for your ma.... And don’t
let anybody see what you’re getting.... Just slip the wee bottle to the
druggist. He’ll know what you want.

   JIM. All right, ma. [_Goes out quickly._]

   MRS. DEEGAN [_removes the tray_]. He’ll sign nothing over to Daisy
Mullan this day if I can stop it!... The old viper--what does he want
with a woman?


  _OLD DEEGAN comes in at the side door. He carries a whip and a
   rug, and is looking very spry._


   DEEGAN. Well, how’s all here?

   MRS. DEEGAN [_fussing_]. Och, granda dear, and is this yourself!
[_Shakes hands and laughs._] Upon my word, granda, you’re getting
fresher looking every day.

   DEEGAN. I’m like the eagles, I’m renewing my youth. [_Lays down the
whip and rug and sits down at the table._]

   MRS. DEEGAN. It’s nothing short of a miracle--at your great age. I
suppose you’re hard on eighty, granda.

   DEEGAN. A man is just as old as he feels. I feel hard on twenty-five.


  _JIM rushes in, and slips the bottle to his mother._


   JIM. Och, is this my wee granda!

   MRS. DEEGAN. Yes, you’ll be happy now. You’ve been wishing and
wishing your granda would come in.

   JIM. Och, my dear granda! [_Hugs him._] My own dear granda that I’m
called for. Amn’t I, granda?

   DEEGAN [_gives him a penny_]. There’s a penny for yourself. Go and
buy liquorice-ball.

   JIM. Ah, thanks, granda. It takes yourself. [_Tries to kiss him._]
You’ll lay me more than a penny some day. Won’t you, granda?

   DEEGAN. We’ll see. Go now and buy liquorice-ball. You’re getting too
old for this baby-talk.

   JIM. It’s because I love my granda.... [_Goes out with hanging lip._]

   MRS. DEEGAN. You oughtn’t to cut him, granda. He’s that doted on you.

   DEEGAN. He’s like all the rest, he’s doted on my last will and
testament.

   MRS. DEEGAN. May God forgive you, James Deegan, for thinking such a
thing, let alone say it!

   DEEGAN [_shrugs_]. We won’t discuss it further.... Have you seen
Daniel?

   MRS. DEEGAN. He’s about the house somewhere.

   DEEGAN. I suppose he has emptied his stomach?

   MRS. DEEGAN. Och, he was talking as usual, but I was busy and paid no
attention. Poor Dan has always a long story about the cruel way you
treat him.

   DEEGAN. You are a wise woman--and a rare woman--to pay no attention
to stories.... Send Daniel to me. He’s in the kitchen.

   MRS. DEEGAN. Och, granda, won’t you take a wee taste of something
after the drive?

   DEEGAN. Not at present. I have important legal business to transact
to-day, and I always make it a rule to keep the mind clear for
business.... Tell Daniel to come forth.

   MRS. DEEGAN. You were always a great business man, granda. I wish
your sons had taken after you.

   DEEGAN. My sons were graceless and without understanding. Send Daniel
to me.


  _MRS. DEEGAN goes to the kitchen, and PATRICK comes in._


   PATRICK. Heth, that mare’s in big fettle, father. But she needs a wee
bit off her mane and tail.

   DEEGAN. Her mane and tail will do me very well. But what about
yourself? You’ve had another big spill since I was here.

   PATRICK [_lamely_]. It was the fair day, and I got a wee taste too
much. But I’ve tane the pledge for life, and means to keep it....

   DEEGAN. Silence, sir! How dare you stand there and tell me you have
the pledge for life! Couldn’t I smell your breath the moment I entered
the yard?...

   PATRICK. Aye, so you’re right. I tane a wee thim’leful this
morning....

   DEEGAN. Patrick Deegan, beware! I may have to answer at the Bar of
Judgment for putting you in a public-house. Take this from me as final.
One other burst and I’ll put this licensed property to the hammer.

   PATRICK. I could curse the day you ever put me in it.

   DEEGAN. And I have been cursing the day ever since.

   PATRICK. If you’d gimme the property at first and let me run it my
own way, I’d be a different man the day.

   DEEGAN. A different man indeed! You’d be in the graveyard or the
madhouse many a year ago. [_Stands up._] But since you’ve raised the
question, I’ll settle it now, once for all. Then you’ll know where you
stand.

   PATRICK. That’s all I want to know.

   DEEGAN. Your name will never be in the deed of this property.... You
know now.

   PATRICK. Say that again!

   DEEGAN. If I don’t sell the house, I’ll leave it to your crafty wife,
and she in turn will leave it to her crafty son. There now. That’s your
settlement. [_Sits._]

   PATRICK [_foaming_]. The day you do that I’ll burn it to ashes--I
will, by Mozes!

   DEEGAN. And welcome. It’s well insured.

   PATRICK [_boils over_]. Aye, maybe it is.... Maybe it’s well
insured.... I know nothing about that.... I’m only the tenant. But I
know this much. You’d better insure yourself. D’ye hear me? Insure
yourself ... and your ould Yankee trooper....


  _DAISY comes in from the bar, her face flaming._


   DAISY. Patrick Deegan, who are you calling names to? Is it me, is it?
Am I the old Yankee trooper, am I?

   PATRICK. Shut up! or I’ll hinch you as far as I can hinch you out the
middle of the street.


  _MRS. DEEGAN rushes in._


   MRS. DEEGAN. What’s wrong--what’s wrong?

   DAISY. James Deegan, am I to be treated in this low-down manner, am
I? Is this how you mean to protect me as your wife, is it?

   DEEGAN [_stands up_]. Patrick Deegan, you have done a bad day’s work
for yourself and for those who come after you....

   PATRICK [_wildly_]. Ah, shut up, you! You’re the great man that shook
hands with Parnell himself! You’re the great lawyer that addressed the
gowned judges in the Four Coorts of Dublin!... And here you are at
last--tane up with an ould Yankee ballad-singer, by Mozes! [_MRS. DEEGAN
grabs PATRICK and drags him out, he shouting_] Ould Yankee trooper....
Ould ballad-singer.... Ould mazawatty.


  _MRS. DEEGAN gets him dragged out to the bar._


   DAISY. James dear, these folks don’t want me. That woman hates me
like a snake. See the look in her eyes, and she snarls so. [_Sits
down._]

   DEEGAN. She may snarl, but she can’t bite. Before we leave the town
you’ll be her landlady. [_Sits down._]

   DAISY. Oh, James, how good you are. [_Looks about her._] And you bet
I’ll see they keep this place in order.


  _MRS. DEEGAN hurries in with two glasses on a tray._


   MRS. DEEGAN. Granda, dear, you know what Patrick is? He’s that hasty.
[_To DAISY_] He wouldn’t hurt your feelings for the world, Miss Mullan.
[_Laughs drily._] Och, sure, from what I hear, you’ll soon be one of the
family.

   DAISY. Yaas! and a nice family reception I’m gitting. An old Yankee
trooper, no less.

   MRS. DEEGAN. Och, who would heed Patrick Deegan?... I wish you both
many happy days.... This is just a wee taste to wet the match. A wee
special for you, granda, and a port for you, Miss Mullan.

   DAISY. I sure want something after that unholy racket. [_To OLD
DEEGAN_] Drink that up, dear. It’ll do you good.


  _Both drink._


   MRS. DEEGAN. I hope you’ll give us the big day soon. [_Picks up the
tray._] I’ll leave you now.... Three’s a crowd. [_She goes out
smiling._]

   DAISY. That’s a cruel, cruel woman, Jimes. Ain’t she, dear?

   DEEGAN. A crafty lady.... You had no trouble at the bank?

   DAISY. Why, I should say not. The manager, a real nice man, he just
glanced at your endorsement and smiled pleasant. [_Opens the
vanity-bag._] I got the whole wad right here. [_Shows him the roll of
paper money._]

   DEEGAN. That’s too much money to carry on your person. You ought to
have left it--or part of it--in the bank.

   DAISY. Not on your life, dear. My next haul can stay in the bank, but
every cent of this is going into our noo home for nice furniture and
nifty wall-paper and carpets [_putting the money back in the bag_]. I
told you I was going to make you happy and comfortable, and you bet I
am.


  _JIM rushes in._


   JIM. Och, my new grandma! My bonny wee Yankee grandma! [_Tries to hug
DAISY._]

   DAISY [_pushing him off_]. Who the goldarn are you? [_Stands up._]

   JIM. Och, don’t you know me? I’m called for my granda.... Amn’t I,
granda? Amn’t I your favourite grandchild?

   DAISY. Go on--beat it. We don’t want you here at all. You’re too
darned sweet to be wholesome....

   JIM. Och, you don’t know me, grandma....

   DAISY. Nor I don’t want to. Go on--git! We can spare you. Skidoo.
[_Sits down._]

   DEEGAN. Where is Uncle Daniel, boy?

   JIM. Him and Paul Twyning’s in the kitchen, drinking mulled porter.

   DEEGAN. Oh, indeed! Has Paul followed the scent?

   DAISY. Ain’t that for you now! And we left him plastering the room!

   JIM. Him and Uncle Dan came in the creamery waggon--covered up with
empty bags that you couldn’t see them.

   DEEGAN. Send both to me.

   JIM. Heth, I will. It’s nice to be doing something for my dear
granda. [_Dashes off to the kitchen._]

   DAISY. Say, that’s a fearfully sloppy kid, ain’t he?

   DEEGAN. The mother puts him up to it.


  _PAUL staggers in, followed by DAN._


   PAUL [_in a tipsy voice_]. Here we are again, as large as life! And
anyone that doesn’t like my gait needn’t swing on it.

   DEEGAN. Paul Twyning, what are you doing in the town?

   PAUL. I’m waiting for the first train to Dublin. [_Sings_]

     “For the ship went down with that fair young bride
      That sailed from Dooooooooblin Bay.”

   DEEGAN. You’re drunk, sir.

   PAUL. Not quite, but feeling nicely.... And musically inclined.
[_Sings_]

     “In a pair of brand-new brogues
      I rattled o’er the bogs,
      And frightened all the dogs
      On the rocky road to Dublin.
      ... Tearing away, my boys....”

   DEEGAN. Silence, sir!

   PAUL. Silent, O Moyle, be the roar of thy waters.

   DEEGAN. Aren’t you going back to finish the plastering?

   PAUL. Most emphatically never. And I’ll tell you why. I don’t want my
name appearing in these morbid breach of promises cases, and I won’t
have it. [_Takes the spatula from his pocket._] I’ve my tools and all
here.... [_Sings_]

     “I’m bidding you a long farewell,
      My Mary kind and true....”

   DEEGAN. Be quiet, sir!

   PAUL. Well, without setting it to music, I’m quit!

   DAN. I’m in flames, but I’m for Dublin too! I can go wi’ Paul and be
his attender....

   DEEGAN [_stands up_]. What is that you say, boy?

   DAN [_cowering_]. Oh, whatever you say yourself, fader.

   DEEGAN. Come with me. I’ll let you see the Dublin you’re bound for.
[_Walks unsteadily towards the door._]

   DAN. The emigration agent!

   DAISY. Say, Jimes, ship him Red Star. It’s sure a smart service. I
got here in eight days....

   DAN. I wish to God, amen, you’d went to the bottom of the sea!

   DEEGAN [_returns unsteadily to his chair_]. My head feels somewhat
light. [_Sits down._]

   DAISY. Same here, Jimes.... [_Her hat tilts to one side._] A sort of
dopey feeling....


  _PATRICK ushers in MR. O’HAGAN._


   PATRICK [_in a surly voice_]. Atturney Hagan to see you.

   O’HAGAN. I was just setting out for your place, Mr. Deegan, when I
heard you were in town. [_Shakes hands._] How’s the health?

   DEEGAN. Very well, thank you. What can I do for you?

   O’HAGAN. Haven’t you a son named Daniel?

   DEEGAN. Unfortunately I have.

   O’HAGAN. Well, seems he has got himself mixed up with Rose
M’Gothigan--a daughter of Denis’s.

   DAN. It’s a falsehood! I never spoke to the girl in my life.

   O’HAGAN. Oh, is this the boy himself? [_Smiles at DAN._] The girl
tells a different story, Dan. She and her father are in about law this
morning....

   DAN. Let them law away.... I’m stainless. Get the prayer-book and
swear me....

   O’HAGAN [_to OLD DEEGAN_]. Denis M’Gothigan has the ball at his own
toe this time, Mr. Deegan. What are we going to do about it?

   DEEGAN. Fight it.

   DAN. That’s right, fader. Fight it.

   O’HAGAN. If you take my advice you’ll give the girl a few pounds and
settle it.

   DAN. In God’s name do, fader. Settle it. You never know what they
might swear.

   DEEGAN [_to O’HAGAN_]. This thick-witted boy has nothing.

   PAUL. Oh, he has something--he has a guilty conscience. I heard him
with my own ears popping the question, and saw him with my own eyes
putting the ring on her finger. If that isn’t a clear case for the
plaintiff, I’ll eat my spatula.

   O’HAGAN. Now, Mr. Deegan, you hear that yourself. You wouldn’t be mad
enough to fight a case like that. [_He whispers to PATRICK, who goes
out._] We must settle this case, James. We haven’t a leg to stand on.

   DAISY [_in a sleepy voice_]. Se’l it, dear ... se’l it. We don’t want
no law-suits ... we want peace.


  _PATRICK brings in DENIS M’GOTHIGAN and ROSE._


   O’HAGAN. Now, Denis, you have no case. But Mr. Deegan doesn’t want to
strive with a good neighbour....

   DENIS. Ho! Is this the Four Courts?

   O’HAGAN. It’s just as well for you it isn’t the Four Courts, or you’d
go home broke.

   DENIS. Whisht! If we’ve no case, it would be a pity to take up your
valuable time. [_Takes ROSE’S hand._] Come on, m’ gerril. The Lord
Chancellor O’Hagan says we’ve no case. That ring on your finger and that
conversation-lozenger in your pocket is sadly agen us.... [_Leads ROSE
towards the door._]

   O’HAGAN. Come back, Denis. You’re very quick at running away. It’s my
opinion you don’t want a settlement. But you must be saved from
yourself.... Dan Deegan has nothing. A man of straw. But his father is
ready to consider a settlement....

   DENIS [_leading ROSE back_]. That’s better whiskey, Mr. Hagan. That’s
a lash better than having no case at all.

   O’HAGAN. Now, now, Denis. Don’t be too sarcastic. If we reach a
settlement there must be no bitterness after.... Now, Denis, we’re
prepared without prejudice to offer your daughter five pounds.

   DENIS. Yaha! yaha! Well, damn my picther if that’s not the best joke
ever you cracked, Hagan. [_To ROSE_] Come on, gerril. I can buy you a
pair of garters without these damages....

   O’HAGAN. Then stand and say it yourself, Denis.

   DENIS. Well. Without prejudice, three hundert pounds in goold.

   O’HAGAN. Ah, bosh! No jury would give you more than a tenner, and
then you couldn’t get tenpence from Dan.

   DENIS. I could rid the country of him.

   DEEGAN. I’ll do that without you. I’m shipping him myself.

   DAN [_sobbing_]. I don’t want to crass the seas.... I’m too ould, and
I’m no skolard....

   DENIS. You’re not too ould to destroy young gerrils!... You and your
conversation-lozengers is a danger to the parish.

   DAN [_weeping_]. Don’t paint me blacker than I am, Denis. [_Sobs
quietly._]

   O’HAGAN. This is a very pathetic case. The poor boy doesn’t want to
leave the green hills and dales of holy Ireland.

   DENIS. He should lave the gerrils alone, well.

   O’HAGAN. Ah, for shame, Denis. You were young yourself.... Any white
jury would forgive Dan for passing a lozenger to lovely Rose
M’Gothigan.... Look at the eye in her head. One glance of it would kill
a man like the lightning. [_To ROSE_] I’ll engage you wouldn’t like to
see your Willy Reilly banished--would you, now?

   ROSE. Indeed no, sir. [_Sniffs._] It’s not me that’s driving him
across the seas.

   DAN. God bliss you, Rose, amen!

   DENIS. Be quiet, gerril! I’ll have noan of this saft nonsense.... I
know right well what O’Hagan’s flowery talk amounts to....

   PAUL [_rising_]. Let Paul Twyning speak a word.... The solution of
this problem is as plain as the nose on your face. Let James Deegan and
Denis M’Gothigan give the lovers a modest start in life--sure, the costs
of a Dublin law-suit would buy them ten acres and a cow.

   DENIS. I’m game. I’m raisonable.

   O’HAGAN. Now, Mr. Deegan, what do you say?

   DEEGAN. If one penny would buy them a freehold I wouldn’t give it.

   PAUL [_hotly_]. No, bedamned to you for a pig-headed, selfish ould
slave-driver! You’d sooner put them aboord the emigrant ship.

   O’HAGAN. Oh, oh! This is going too far.

   DEEGAN. Not at all. Let the vagrant have his say.

   PAUL. And the vagrant shall have his say! Ireland, north, south,
east, and west, is lowzy with your kind. There was more happiness on the
Irish homestead when you were paying the rack-rent and eating the
lumpers.

   PATRICK. Oh, the holy truth!

   PAUL. Since the ould generation of farmers got cheque-books, they
never smiled again.

   PATRICK. Oh, Mozes, true!

   PAUL. The omnipotent God knows what you’ll be like if ever you get
Home Rule. I wouldn’t like to be Dan Deegan and vote Labour.

   DAN. Devil a vote you’d have if you were me.

   PAUL. But I’d like well to be the first Irish Chancellor. Then I’d
bring back the smile to the ould Deegan faces. I’d give them just what
acres they could till, at a smart rent to the States, and there’d be
plenty of land left for the boys.

   O’HAGAN. That’s Lalor.

   PAUL. And it’s Twyning, too!

   DEEGAN. And it’s everybody like you--tramps and paupers.

   PAUL. Including your son Dan, who is more destitute and hopeless than
any tramp or pauper I’ve met. [_Points at DAN._] Just look at that
product of yourself and ninety-five acres of freehold. No more spine in
his back than a lizard, and so bulldozed and browbeaten that he’d swear
a lie before he’d own the simplest truth.

   DAN. It’s the God’s holy truth, amen.

   PAUL. Standing there with grey head and shaking limbs, you’d think
he’d killed a priest instead of given a conversation-lozenger to Rose
M’Gothigan. [_Loudly_] And Dan Deegan is legion. And Ould Deegan is
legion. You drive the youth to the four winds, and then bleat and pray
and send them shamrocks in exile.... Ah, gimme a drink somebody.

   PATRICK [_rising_]. Come on wi’ me, Paul! By Mozes, you’re as
powerful as Paul and the Corinthians! [_He lugs PAUL out to the bar._]

   DEEGAN. There’s a Labour leader lost in that frothy scoundrel.

   O’HAGAN. There is some truth in him, too. So let us profit by it....
Now, Denis, what is the very lowest figure you can accept?

   DENIS. Three hundert pound--in goold.

   O’HAGAN. Good lord! [_To OLD DEEGAN_] Mr. Deegan, how far are you
prepared to go?

   DEEGAN. A single penny of mine will never rattle in a M’Gothigan’s
pocket.

   DENIS. Come on, Rose. We’ll see the Four Courts, after all.

   ROSE. Good-bye, Dan.

   DAN. Good-bye, Rose, amen.


  _DENIS and ROSE go out._


   DEEGAN [_to DAN_]. Step you out to the yard, sir. I want to speak
with Mr. O’Hagan.

   DAN. Yes, fader. [_Goes out._]

   DAISY. Jimes, I feel awful sleepy and queerish.... I believe that
wine was doped, I do.

   DEEGAN. I’m certain of it. My own feet and legs are tingling, but the
mind is clear.


  _MRS. DEEGAN comes in._


   MRS. DEEGAN. You’ll take a cup of tea, granda?

   DEEGAN. I want first to know what you put in that drink you gave us?

   MRS. DEEGAN. Lord bless us, granda! Such a question to ask me. It was
a fresh bottle....

   DEEGAN. That will do. I’ve heard drug stories about this house, but
now I’m convinced.

   DAISY. I’m darned sure you put suthin in my port.... Dope or
suthin.... I can’t keep my eyes awake.

   MRS. DEEGAN. Ach, you’re beside yourselves, the both of you! [_Goes
out to the kitchen._]

   DEEGAN. Mr. O’Hagan, this lady, Miss Mullan, and I have arranged to
get married. She has considerable property in America, and I want to
make her an assignment of these licensed premises and the farm.

   O’HAGAN. As from your marriage day?

   DEEGAN. Exactly so.

   O’HAGAN [_shakes hands with DAISY_]. Congratulations, Miss Mullan.

   DAISY. Thank you. I guess I’ll want a good smart lawyer to look after
my interests in America.

   O’HAGAN. Your husband will be able to direct you to an excellent man.
[_To DEEGAN_] You want this matter arranged to-day, Mr. Deegan?

   DEEGAN. Immediately. Then the M’Gothigans can proceed with their
writs.

   O’HAGAN. By Jove, good!... You didn’t attend the Four Courts for
nothing.

   DAISY. Ain’t he jest a dandy! I’m sure proud of my fiancé.

   O’HAGAN. I’ll have the document ready in a few minutes. Will you come
across to the office and sign?

   DEEGAN. If I’m not there when it’s ready, you can bring it over here.

   O’HAGAN. With pleasure. [_Goes out._]

   DAISY. Jimes dear, we must coax Paul Twyning to come back and finish
the plastering, else our marriage will be held up for weeks.

   DEEGAN. I have thought of that. We must get the ruffian back.


  _He rings a small bell on the table, and JIM rushes in._


   JIM. Och, does my dear grandpa want me? [_Tries to kiss him._] You
are not angry at me, granda? sure you’re not?

   DAISY. Give him a keek, Jimes! Hully gee, he does make me hot!...
Look ahyar, slobber! you get your message and beat it. Go while the
going’s good.

   JIM. It’s a great sin for you to put in between granda and his
favourite grandchild.

   DAISY. Here, skip! Else I’ll rise and fetch you one.

   DEEGAN. Be off, boy. Tell Paul Twyning to come here.

   JIM. My granda ... has turned clean agen me.... [_Goes out
sniffing._]

   DAISY. Shucks! that kid gives me a bilious attack. I’d love to hitch
him to a post and whale the everlasting daylight out of him.


  _PAUL staggers in._


   PAUL [_with a grand gesture_].

     “You know, my friends, with what a brave Carouse
      I made a Second Marriage in my house;
      Divorced old barren Reason from my bed,
      And took the daughter of the Vine to spouse....”

I forget the rest of it at the moment....

   DEEGAN. Never mind the rest of it. Are you coming back to finish the
plastering?

   PAUL. My answer is No.

   DAISY. But I say y’are! And I’m going to make it worth your while
to.... [_She opens the vanity-bag._]


  _OLD DEEGAN leans back and falls asleep._


   PAUL. Of course, a request from a young bride-to-be puts a different
complexion on it.

   DAISY [_takes out the roll of money and hands PAUL a pound-note_].
Thar’s five dollars.

   PAUL. With all due respect to the dollars--this is a pound-note.

   DAISY. Yaas; that’s five dollars.

   PAUL [_bowing_]. The strike is over. Work in all departments will
commence to-morrow morning. [_Looking at OLD DEEGAN_] Is your fiancé
asleep?

   DAISY. I reckon he’s dozing--and I’m jest dying to. [_Yawns._]

   PAUL. Well, don’t let me keep you awake. [_Goes to the bar door and
stands with the knob in his hand._]

   DAISY [_yawning_]. Ah, yah, my ... I could jest ... sleep.... [_Leans
back and sleeps._]

   PAUL [_goes over and blows gently in their faces_]. Have you crossed
the Rubicon? [_No answer._] Do you not hear Cupid himself speaking to
you? [_No answer. After a pause, he takes the roll of money and other
papers from DAISY’S bag and slips out the side door._]


  _MRS. DEEGAN comes in, with tea on a tray._


   MRS. DEEGAN. Lord save us! [_Lays down tray._] Wake up and take this
cup of tea. [_Pause._] Wake up. [_She glances nervously about the
kitchen, then goes through DAISY’S bag and finds it empty. She calls
PATRICK from the bar._]

   PATRICK [_coming in_]. What’s wrong here?... Did you dose them?

   MRS. DEEGAN. Not so loud--you fool!

   PATRICK. It would be no harm to see what ould Daisy has in the
bag....

   MRS. DEEGAN. For shame, man! Would you stoop to such a thing?

   PATRICK. I’d stoop to anything this minute.... Take away that tray.


  _MRS. DEEGAN goes out with the tray, and PATRICK goes through
   DAISY’S bag._


Not a rupee, by Mozes!


  _O’HAGAN, PAUL and DAN come in from the bar._


   O’HAGAN [_document in hand_]. What’s the matter? Are they drunk or
sleeping?

   PATRICK. They’re both. They killed a whole bottle of spacial whiskey.


  _MRS. DEEGAN comes in._


   O’HAGAN. I want his signature to this paper.

   MRS. DEEGAN. Granda’s not in a fit condition to sign any paper.

   PATRICK. Now, Hagan, I know and you know what’s in that paper. You’d
lay me out on the street.


  _OLD DEEGAN wakes up and sits, listening._


   O’HAGAN. I can’t help that, Patrick.

   PAUL. Give me room to speak a word.... Mr. O’Hagan, you live straight
across the street, and many a bright pound Patrick Deegan has sent your
way in the last twenty years. Is that right?

   O’HAGAN. Quite right. Many a pound indeed.

   PAUL. And many another he could throw your way in the next twenty
years. Is that so?

   O’HAGAN. Quite true.

   PAUL. Now, I make bould to say that you’ve no sympathy with your
moribund client marrying on the edge of the grave and robbing his own
childer?

   O’HAGAN. I certainly don’t think it’s right.

   PAUL. Then it’s your duty to stop the match. Your duty to your
client, to your neighbour, and yourself. And Patrick Deegan will make it
worth your while both now and now-after.

   PATRICK. Paul, I know you’re a smart man, but I can’t see what you’re
driving at.

   PAUL. No, God help you altogether, you’re a dull lot. Why, James
Deegan, in his present state of coma, will sign one paper as fast as
another--if his hand is properly held--and I suggest, Mr. O’Hagan, that
we assign the farm to Dan and the pub. to Patrick.

   PATRICK [_grabs PAUL’S hand_]. My life on you, ould Dublin!

   MRS. DEEGAN. Yes, Paul Twyning has a head on him. He’s not all
splutter and nonsense.

   PAUL. Now, Mr. O’Hagan, what do you say to it? Deegan brothers will
give you ten pounds apiece.

   MRS. DEEGAN. Patrick will give twenty and Dan thirty.

   PAUL. Fifty pounds, Mr. O’Hagan. No lawyer since the Stone Age ever
refused fifty pounds.

   O’HAGAN. Then I’ll be first to gain the distinction. I disapprove of
James Deegan’s plans, but that’s his own affair. I won’t sell my old
client in his sleep.

   DEEGAN [_yawns_]. Thank you, Mr. O’Hagan. You’re your father’s son.

   PAUL. We were only trying to tempt him, Mr. Deegan, but he’s
incorruptible.... God works wonders now and then. Here stands a lawyer
an honest man.

   DEEGAN [_rubs his eyes_]. I suppose you want my signature, Mr.
O’Hagan?

   O’HAGAN. Yes, sir. This is ready. [_Takes out his fountain-pen._]

   DEEGAN. I’ll sign in one moment. [_Rises unsteadily and wakes
DAISY._] Wake up! This is no place to fall asleep.

   DAISY. Yea ... eh? ... what?

   DEEGAN. Wake up. We’re going home.


  _DAISY sits up and arranges her hat._


  _OLD DEEGAN puts on his specs., scans the document, and signs
   it._


   DAISY [_screams_]. Oh, Jimes! Oh, gee! My money and papers--six
hundred pounds--all gone! Stolen!

   DEEGAN [_scans the faces about him; then to DAISY_]. Your money and
papers are not far away. [_Looks hard at PATRICK and MRS. DEEGAN._]
Neither is the thief!


  _PATRICK staggers against the wall, and MRS. DEEGAN faints on
   the floor._


   PAUL [_loudly_]. Water! water! And brandy for me!


                               _Curtain_


------------------------------------------------------------------------




                                ACT III


_Three days later. Time: evening._

_The same Scene as in Act I._


  _PAUL TWYNING is mixing mortar on the kitchen floor._


  _ROSE M’GOTHIGAN comes in back. She has a small parcel in her
   hand._


   PAUL. Lord bless me, Rose, have you ventured in here again?

   ROSE. Aren’t the Deegans all away in the town?

   PAUL. But they may be here any minute.

   ROSE. My father’s in the town, too, and Daisy Mullan’s visiting my
mother. And she’s crying sore about something.... So I just come out.

   PAUL. Isn’t that all over now? I didn’t think Daisy had a single tear
left in her reservoir. America soon dries up the tears, Rose.

   ROSE. Well, she’s crying bitter about something.

   PAUL. Let us make a stagger at cause and effect. Wasn’t there a young
gentleman, not unlike a bank clerk, called on Daisy this forenoon?

   ROSE. Sure it was me seen him first! From the Bank he was.

   PAUL. Well, it could happen that his visit has something in common
with Daisy’s tears. The young banker called here, and whispered
something to ould Deegan, and it must have been something of ghastly
importance for ould Deegan turned as white as paper and had to lean his
body against the wall. Then he and the young banker druv off to town.

   ROSE. Druv off to the bank. My father followed them in to see if he
could find out what was wrong.

   PAUL. And Dan’s in the town buying his Yankee outfit.

   ROSE. Yes, he’s for Philadelphy on Saturday.... [_Holds out parcel_]
Give Dan that, Paul, when he comes in.... It’s a muffler....

   PAUL. Ach, wait and give the sowl the muffler yourself.... Sure,
you’ll see him before he takes the water.

   ROSE. I may and I mayn’t. My father and me had a great battle last
night, and I’m going to service. Give Dan that, Paul, and tell him Rose
wished him luck.

   PAUL [_takes parcel_]. Well, well. The coorse of true love never runs
smooth, and this is no exception.

   ROSE. And good-bye to yourself, Paul.

   PAUL [_takes her hand_]. I’m to blame for all this trouble, Rose.
I’ve riz a devil that I can’t lay.

   ROSE. Oh, don’t say that, Paul.

   PAUL. But I meant well, Rose. The first time I limped up to your door
you fed me and gimme a welcome change of socks.... And poor Dan gimme a
left-foot boot and said his father wanted a plasterer.

   ROSE. Dan’s kind.

   PAUL. Kind but unstable. I’d no sooner got this job than I commenced
plotting a match between yourself and Dan, for match-making is my hobby;
but, faith, I soon found that Dan was a shifty hero.

   ROSE. He’s afraid of his father.

   PAUL. That’s putting it mild enough, God knows. Mortal terror would
apply to it.

   ROSE [_releases her hand_]. I must be going, Paul.... If my father
knew I was in here he’d kill me.


  _DAN DEEGAN comes in back. He is wearing a cheap new raincoat, a
   new hat, and carries a blackthorn and a tin box plastered with
   gaudy American labels._


   PAUL. Ah, sure here is Willy Reilly himself!

   DAN. No sconcing now, Paul Twyning! I’m in flames if I’ll stand it!
You’re the means of getting me banished.

   PAUL. I’ll leave you now, Dan, for you’re in a dangerous mood.
[_Gives ROSE parcel._] You can deliver that yourself. [_He goes out
back._]

   ROSE. Maybe you wouldn’t take this, Dan? It’s a wee present.

   DAN. Your fader met me in the town and flew at me like a tager!...
Hunted me into Pat’s yard and affronted me ....

   ROSE. He’s in a terrible pucker.

   DAN. He vows he’ll have my blood afore I put my fut on the boat.

   ROSE. I’m going away, Dan ... to service.

   DAN. Aye, so he said.... You’ll be well away.... I wish, Rose, you
were coming with myself ... across the raging main ... the angry
deep.... The emigration agent says I’ll make my fortune in six weeks
herding sheep in Philadelphy.... Will you come, Rose--to the land of the
setting sun?

   ROSE. Not now, Dan. But if you send for me I’ll go.

   DAN. That’s settled.... I’ll be as true as the stars above. [_Takes
the parcel._]

   ROSE. It’s only a muffler.

   DAN. The very thing I wanted.... I’ll wear it on deck of the good
ship ... and be thinking of yourself, Rose....


  _DENIS M’GOTHIGAN’S angry voice is heard in the yard._


   ROSE. Oh, Dan, Dan! My father!

   DAN [_wildly_]. I’m in flames, but he’ll murder us!... In here ... in
here!


  _They both go into the cupboard._


   PAUL [_coming in back_]. I told you they weren’t here, Denis. But
you’re that misdoubtful. [_DENIS comes in._] Now search the house....

   DENIS. They’re in here. They’re in this house somewhere. [_DENIS has
taken drink._] If I get my thumb on Dan I’ll not lave much of him to go
to Americky. [_Rushes over and looks into the room._] They’re not in
here....

   PAUL. Nor they can’t be upstairs, for the stairs are blocked....

   DENIS. You’d try to smuggle them out if you could! But you’ll not
fool Denis! I’ll stand outby and watch the house--if I stand for a week!
[_He goes out back._]

   PAUL [_speaks up to the ceiling_]. If you’re up there, for heaven’s
sake lie low.... For Denis is out for blood.


  _DAISY MULLAN comes in back._


   DAISY. Say, Paul Twyning, I’m in a power of trouble, and I gotta talk
to someone or bust.

   PAUL. Well--talk. It’s more humane than the other. [_Points
upstairs._] But don’t talk too loud, for Dan Deegan and Rose are hiding
up there from Denis....

   DAISY. Denis is waiting outside. He sure looks wild.... But that
ain’t my trouble, I don’t mind telling you I’ve got myself in the soup
with both feet. [_Glances upwards_] They couldn’t hear me up there,
could they?

   PAUL. Not if you talk in that key.

   DAISY. I don’t know how it is, but I got a hunch that you’re the sort
of feller would stick to a gel in trouble....

   PAUL. Go easy, now. I’m a plasterer myself.

   DAISY. Waal, I ain’t no plasterer. Nor I ain’t joshing, neither. I’m
too blamed unhappy right now. I’m waiting every minute to be
arrested....

   PAUL [_astonished_]. Arrested! Taken into custody? A prisoner? For
what, in the name of the whole Twelve Apostles?

   DAISY [_breaks down_]. About that bank draft.... It was faked up. I
thought it would have to go back to America, and that would gimme time
to skip ... but seems it was spotted in London.... [_Sobs._]

   PAUL. My sowl, this is a bad onion!

   DAISY. It’s frightful.... The bank manager sent for me and old Deegan
... but I was too skeert to go in.... Oh, I dunno whadda do.... [_Sobs
loudly._]

   PAUL. Now listen to me. Whatever else a lady may do in my presence,
she mustn’t dissolve in tears ... for that would render me as soft in
the brain as Dan Deegan himself. [_Sits down beside her._] May I call
you “Daisy,” just to comfort you?

   DAISY. If you like.... Sure you ain’t married?

   PAUL. Glory be to God, no. I’ve been the whole seven kinds of galoot,
but I’m still single.

   DAISY. I don’t want no joshing. I want help.

   PAUL. Very well now. If you dry your eyes and promise not to wet them
again, I’ll see what can be done. But if you do another weep, I’ll take
to my heels, and you’ll never see me again.

   DAISY [_pulls herself together_]. Waal, I’ll try to.... But I’m in a
power of trouble.... I ain’t a professional crook.

   PAUL. That’s obvious ... or you wouldn’t break down over a trifle
like this.

   DAISY. I was trying to get even with old Deegan, but my plans
miscarried and landed me in the wash.... The goldarned old grabber! he
was the means of me quitting home at first. He grabbed our bit of land
and left us high and dry.

   PAUL. So I’ve been told. Then, I suppose, you meant to marry ould
Deegan and grab the whole ninety-five acres?

   DAISY. No, seh! Not on your life. I wouldn’t marry old Deegan--nor
his fool son--not if they owned the landscape.... I just meant to fix up
a match and then clear out with all I could rake up.

   PAUL. A very meritorious idea.

   DAISY. But now the whole thing has gone flop, and I ain’t got a cent
to meet that draft.... Old Deegan thinks I got that money, but I
ain’t.... True to heaven, Paul Twyning, that money was stolen in Pat
Deegan’s saloon. Patrick or his wife, or yon goat of a son, swiped the
lot--papers and all.

   PAUL. Were the papers valuable?

   DAISY. The papers wasn’t worth a cent. I was cook to a retired
broker, and fished ’em out of the trash-basket.

   PAUL [_laughs_]. Awh, that’s delicious! It’s a great pity the law has
power to step in and spoil so fine a joke.

   DAISY [_produces a cablegram_]. And I’d this cable cooked up and sent
me by a friend.

   PAUL [_scanning it and grinning expansively_]. You’re not slow,
Daisy! My sowl, there’s not a slow joint in your body. [_Hands back the
cablegram._] Keep that cable like the sight of your eye, for ’twill come
in useful anon.

   DAISY [_starts_]. I hear Deegan’s car.... I hear it coming.... Oh, I
can’t stick it.... I’m all nerves. [_Shakes violently._]

   PAUL. Listen to me, girl. Stiffen up and cut out them shivers. You’ve
every decent card in the pack, and I’ve the Joker. If you play half a
game we’ll sweep the board....

   DAISY. You think?

   PAUL. No, I’m sure. Pay attention to this. Ould Deegan--the great lay
lawyer--has made you an assignment of himself and his property. If he
dares to go back on the contract, you hold out hard for a thousand
pound.

   DAISY. But the fake draft--how about it?

   PAUL. Tell them it’s a good draft. Tell them you paid your money for
it in New York like a decent girl, and if it isn’t in order, the bank is
to blame, not you.

   DAISY. But I got it in the trash-basket....

   PAUL. The broad Atlantic is rowling between you and the
trash-basket.... Brazen it out on my lines, and you’ll win your case....


  _The car is heard coming into the yard._


   DAISY [_looks out back window_]. They’re all here ... Patrick and
Mrs. Deegan ... and O’Hagan.... [_Turns in._] Oh, Paul, where can I
go?... I can’t stay here....

   PAUL. Go into the room, and listen carefully to the drift of our
discourse.... I’ll give a professional cough when I want you to come
out. [_DAISY goes towards the room._] And I’m saying. If O’Hagan asks
you any impertinent questions, refer him to your American solicitors.
And if he wants to know the name of your solicitors say Brown and
Fitzgerald, Broadway, New York. And if he wants a broker--refer him to
Funk and Wignell, Wall Street....

   DAISY. I hope he don’t ask no questions.... [_She goes into the
room._]

   PAUL [_gets busy mixing mortar, and sings_]

     “Daisy, Daisy, gimme your answer, do;
      For I’m half crazy all for the love of you.
      ’Twon’t be a stylish marriage,
      For we can’t afford a carriage,
      But you’ll look nate upon the sate
      Of a bicycle built for two.”


  _OLD DEEGAN, O’HAGAN, PATRICK and MRS. DEEGAN come in._


   PATRICK. Here’s the tramp vagabone now.... We’ll get the saddle on
the right horse, by Mozes!

   DEEGAN. Silence, sir, and let Mr. O’Hagan conduct the proceedings.


  _The table is brought to the centre and OLD DEEGAN and O’HAGAN
   sit down. The others stand._


   O’HAGAN [_opens his attaché_]. Twyning, we’ve proof that you stole
the money and papers from Miss Mullan’s bag.

   PAUL [_leans on the shovel_]. It’s a blessid thing I haven’t a weak
heart, Mr. O’Hagan, or I’d fall dead with apoplexy.

   O’HAGAN. We’re not here to mince matters. You took the money, and we
can prove it.

   PAUL. If you can’t prove it, ’twill be a black day for you. But go
on. Prove it.

   O’HAGAN. Patrick Deegan, what are you prepared to swear?

   PATRICK [_excited_]. I can swear Paul Twyning left me in the bar, and
went into the snug, where my father and Daisy Mullan was sleeping, and
rifled the bag and slipt out the side dure.

   PAUL. Was that the reason yourself staggered like a drunk cock and
your wife fainted on the flure, when the whillabillo went up that the
money was stolen?

   O’HAGAN. Patrick has made a clean breast of it. He admits having
examined the bag, as a precautionary measure, but found it empty.

   DEEGAN. Patrick and his wife are not guilty. The sum was too large
for them. Neither of them is honest, but they wouldn’t have the nerve to
steal six hundred pounds.

   PATRICK [_with uplifted hand_]. May I fall dead if I lie! The bag was
empty.

   PAUL. Your intention was good, Patrick. Your father may think you’re
not bold enough to risk a big sum, but I think your father is mistaken.
The man who would put in his hand would take out the goods.

   PATRICK. You took the money, Twyning! And I thought you were an
honest man--after all them speeches you made.

   PAUL. So I was--a paragon of virtue--till I entered your opium-den.

   O’HAGAN. This is all beside the point.... You were the only person,
Twyning, that actually saw the roll of money. Miss Mullan gave you a
pound-note, and put the rest in her bag. Is that right?

   PAUL. Perfectly correct. I’d be long sorry to deny receipt of a gift.

   O’HAGAN. And you saw the roll of notes in her hand?

   PAUL. Thank my God I’m not blind. I saw the rowl distinctly, and it
as thick as my arm.

   O’HAGAN. And you meant to catch the first train to Dublin, did you
not?

   PAUL. That was my intention. And that’s where your case falls down.
For if I’d annexed yon rowl of money, I’d have hired a special.... Just
fancy me coming back to plaster this duck-house at five bob a day, and I
a millionaire! Why, ten hours later, I’d be sauntering down Grafton
Street, with a cane in one hand and my suède gloves in the other.

   DEEGAN. Mr. O’Hagan, you are on the wrong track. I told you all along
that Paul Twyning was not the thief. I am convinced that Daisy Mullan
has the money and papers concealed....

   PAUL. But why on earth should Daisy Mullan rob her own nest?

   O’HAGAN [_rising_]. We’ll go across to her own house and ask her....

   PAUL. You won’t have to cross the wet fields.... I think Daisy is
upstairs....

   O’HAGAN. Ah, just what I feared! A conspiracy. [_Sits down._]

   DEEGAN [_angrily_]. What is Daisy Mullan doing up my stairs?

   PAUL. It’s my opinion she’s choosing wall-paper for the
bridal-chamber....


  _PAUL coughs conspicuously, and DAISY comes from the room._


   DAISY. Quite a crowd here, ain’t the’?

   O’HAGAN. What were you doing up my client’s stairs, madam?

   DAISY. Up your client’s stairs? Your client ain’t got no stairs. This
house is mine, stairs and all. See?

   O’HAGAN. You’d better throw off that brazen cloak, and realise where
you stand....

   DAISY. Say, what’s a-biting of you, dear?

   O’HAGAN. Your fake draft is returned--worthless. Do you know what
that means?

   DAISY. Yaas. It means you folks don’t know nuthin about drafts. My
draft was O.K.

   O’HAGAN. The local bank holds Mr. Deegan responsible for the money.
If you hand us the six hundred pounds we can settle with the bank and
avoid further trouble. If you don’t, Mr. Deegan can have you arrested.

   DEEGAN. And I will.

   DAISY. The money’s somewhere in the Deegan family. I sure ain’t got
it. I was drugged and robbed in Patrick Deegan’s awful den. [_Flaring
up._] What the all-sparkling hades do I care about the dab of money,
compared with the loss of deeds and documents!

   O’HAGAN. Why were you carting all those valuable papers around with
you? Have you no solicitors?

   DAISY. That’s my own business, smart Alick! B’gee, you may hear from
my solicitors in a way you won’t like, and soon.

   O’HAGAN. The sooner the better. Who are your solicitors?

   DAISY. Messrs. Brown and Fitzgerald, Noo York.

   O’HAGAN. And your brokers?

   DAISY. Funk and Wignell, Wall Street. You cable rightaway and ask if
Miss Daisy Mullan, of Lincoln Avenoo, is O.K. or not. I’ll pay the
cable.

   O’HAGAN. Good. I will. [_Jots down the names._] Any cable address, do
you know?

   DAISY. They sure have, but my memory ain’t serving.

   PAUL. I should say “Fitz” would get the one and “Funk” the other.

   O’HAGAN. Thank you. I didn’t ask for your assistance.

   PAUL. Oh, don’t mention it. I’m always glad to assist you without
asking.

   O’HAGAN. Mr. Deegan, I think we ought to cable one of those firms
before we proceed further.

   DEEGAN. If you think such firms exist by all means cable them.

   O’HAGAN [_rising_]. We should have a reply in ten hours....

   PAUL. What! A message from New York in ten hours? I’m afraid that’s
too quick. [_Coughs at DAISY._]

   DAISY. Nonsense! Why, I got this cablegram yesterday from
Philadelphia in four hours. [_Takes it out._]

   O’HAGAN. May I have a look at that, please?

   DAISY. Why, sure. Ain’t you never seen a cable? [_Hands it to him._]

   O’HAGAN [_surprised_]. Mr. Deegan, this is important.

   DEEGAN. What is it?

   O’HAGAN. It’s about house property. [_Reads_] “Would lease or buy
property on Mount Airy. Cable lowest price. Spalding.” [_Hands back the
cable._] Who is Spalding?

   DAISY. Why, Rupert G. Spalding--one of my tenants. He wants to buy
the whole block and make a departmental store--the second largest in the
world.

   PAUL [_drily_]. The Yanks are a go-ahead people.

   O HAGAN [_perplexed_]. Mr. Deegan, that cablegram puts another
complexion on the case. [_Sits down._]

   DEEGAN. Who is to settle with the local bank? That’s the main point.

   DAISY. Why, dear, ain’t the local bank got you and me both for
security? I guess this slight misunderstanding won’t make no difference
in our affections, will it?

   DEEGAN. It will make all the difference in the world. You have your
property on Mount Airy, and I have mine on solid ground. There will be
no alliance.

   PATRICK. That’s sense, by Mozes!

   MRS. DEEGAN. It takes granda.

   DAISY. And how about the assignment, granda?

   DEEGAN. Mr. O’Hagan will answer that question.

   O’HAGAN. Without marriage the assignment is waste-paper.

   DAISY. But who huffs at the wedding? Not me.

   O’HAGAN. My client has changed his mind.

   PAUL [_loudly_]. Then, bedam, if he has changed his mind he’ll pay
for it. Your client promised on his two knees to wed her, and if he goes
back on that promise he must take the consequences. [_To DAISY_] I’m
going to see fair play, stranger. I saw your fiancé at your feet and
heard you accepting him. If there is justice left on earth I’m going to
see you get a share of it.... Go now and get your hat and vanity-bag,
and we’ll settle with the bank and then see a lawyer....

   DAISY. Settle with the bank, did you say?

   PAUL. Certainly. Settle with the bank. That cablegram in your pocket
is good for a million. And your breach of promise case is good for a
cowld thousand.

   DAISY. Paul Twyning, that’s my plan in a capsule. If you back me up
in it I’ll make granda Deegan and his ten-cent lawyer sit up and howl.

   PAUL. Back you up, is it? Paul Twyning has spoken. That is enough....
Go now and get ready for the bank, and hire your cousin Darby to drive
us in state.

   DAISY [_animated_]. I sure will.... Why, I’d depend my life on Paul
Twyning right now.

   PAUL. Bring your vanity-bag and all papers.

   DAISY. Sure thing. [_Hurries out._]

   PAUL [_despondently_]. Well, I’ve been called the proudest man in all
Dublin, but I’m going now to be the meanest clod in all Ireland. I won’t
waste words. Daisy Mullan is a retired cook, and an adventuress.


  _Uproar._


   DEEGAN. Silence! Go on, Paul. You astonish me.

   PAUL. She has that six hundred pounds safe and sound, but not another
brown penny in the world.

   DEEGAN [_in triumph_]. O’Hagan, was I right or wrong?

   O’HAGAN. Right, right.... Wonderful ... man.

   DEEGAN. Paul Twyning, how did you discover this, my friend?

   PAUL. I was talking to her for a quarter of an hour before you come
in, and I sent her upstairs lest she give us the slip altogether....


  _DAN DEEGAN jumps out of the cupboard._


   DAN. I’m in flames, but Paul Twyning’s a just man! I was hid in there
the whole time him and Daisy was talking, and heard every word they
said. She told him she was cook for a retired broker and got all her
property--draft and all--in the trash-basket.

   PAUL [_piously_]. See that, now! It always pays to do the straight
thing.... Who ever’d have thought of Dan being in there all the time!

   DEEGAN. Come forward, Daniel.

   DAN. Yes, fader.

   DEEGAN. Swear to the truth of that statement with uplifted hand.

   DAN [_with hand up_]. Afore you and God, fader, I’m telling the
truth, amen.... She said you grabbed her people’s bit of land, and she
come back to get revenge.

   O’HAGAN. That’s the solution now.... She’d the cablegram and all
cooked for the purpose.... Paul Twyning, I’m ashamed to look in your
honest face.... I hope you can forgive us all.

   PAUL. To err is human; to forgive, divine. I freely forgive you all.


  _They murmur thanks, and PATRICK shakes hands with PAUL._


   DAN. Is that all you want with me, fader?

   DEEGAN. That’s all at present. For once in your life you have done me
a small service.

   DAN. Well, I’m going to hide in here again.


  _DENIS M’GOTHIGAN comes in fuming._


   DENIS. Now I want no colyfoxin’! My daughter’s in this house
somewhere, and I mean to find her.... [_To DAN_] Where’s my Rose?

   DAN. The Lord knows that, Denis, amen.... I hain’t seen her this six
weeks.


  _ROSE comes from the cupboard crying._


   PAUL. Now, Dan! Let the whole world see whether you’re good enough to
tie Rose M’Gothigan’s shoestrings. That blackthorn in your hand is not
solely for ornamentation.

   DAN [_rushes beside ROSE and draws the blackthorn_]. I’m in flames,
but I’ll defend my own Rose to the death! I’ll have to fight the Blacks
and Red Indians in Philadelphy, and I may as well practise a bit at
home.... Now, Denis, I daar you!

   PAUL [_with a loud laugh_]. Emancipated! Behold Dan Deegan
emancipated!

   DENIS. I’ll not leave this house till Rose comes home ... and I’ll
give her a wiggin’ when she comes.... [_Sits down._]

   DEEGAN. Paul Twyning, will you give Mr. O’Hagan and me a word in
private?

   PAUL. I will not. There has been far too much privacy and duplicity
already. I’ll answer your questions here and now, or not at all.

   DEEGAN. Well, I’m not very clear as to your plans.

   PAUL. I can soon clear the air. Daisy and I are going to settle with
the bank. When we get that done she’ll want me to go with her to a
lawyer to frame up a case aginst Mr. Deegan. But I’ll turn on my heel
and say, “Begone, adventuress! Paul Twyning is not a blackmailer!”


  _The DEEGANS applaud._


   DENIS. Yaha, yaha!

   PAUL. What are you “yahaing” about, Denis?

   DENIS. At your honesty. What else?

   PAUL. Now I knocked the hat off before, Denis, but I’ll knock the
head off this time! [_Severely_] You’re an impudent little wart and
ill-set. If you were man’s size I’d clout you one. If you articulate
again, I’ll give you a bloody mouth.

   PATRICK. Ould Dublin on the Liffey, by Mozes! Would fight with his
own shadow.... Go on, Paul.

   PAUL. And now for my own terms.

   DEEGAN. Oh!

   PAUL. Why do you ejaculate? As a man of the world, you didn’t expect
a stranger to cultivate wrinkles over your affairs for nothing, did you?

   DEEGAN. I expect nothing for nothing. Name your terms.

   PAUL. Twenty pounds sterling. I want to hit Chicago a clout.

   DEEGAN. Not unreasonable. I’ll do better, Paul. I’ll give you ten
pounds and Daniel’s ticket and portmanteau....

   DAN [_wildly_]. Flames! am I not for the water?

   DEEGAN. Silence, boy!... Mr. O’Hagan, has Daisy Mullan a case against
me for breach of contract?

   O’HAGAN. She has. Once she settles with the bank she has a very good
case indeed. But without Paul Twyning’s evidence her case falls down.

   PAUL. My sowl, with Dan’s ocean ticket and ten pounds in my fob,
she’ll have some fun serving me with a summons.


  _The DEEGANS applaud._


   DEEGAN. Paul Twyning, you are a man of ripe understanding. If you
were in my shoes how would you meet this case?

   PAUL. I’d sign the pub. over to Patrick and the farm to my son
Daniel, the said Patrick to pay me a small yearly rent, and the said
Daniel to pay me a pound a week for life, with the use of the grey mare
and trap on Sundays, market-days and Court days.

   DEEGAN. Paul Twyning, you are a gifted man.... Patrick and Daniel,
would that settlement content you?

   PATRICK. God bliss you, father. I’d never taste it again.

   MRS. DEEGAN. It’s more than we desarve, granda.

   DEEGAN [_to DAN_]. And what do you say, boy?

   DAN [_lamely_]. Rose and me would be good to you, fader.... You could
do all the plannin’, and we’d do the work.... Rose can milk cows and
feed pigs and keep a house clean.

   DEEGAN. That’s a wise answer, boy. I’ll speak to the priest myself,
and you’ll be married in three days.

   DENIS. She’ll not come empty-handed. I’ll give her thirty pound and
the spotted cow.

   DEEGAN. We neither want your spotted cow, nor your money, nor your
friendship.

   PAUL. Here! Mr. Deegan, let yourself and Denis shake hands. Dammit
alive, life’s too short to quarrel, and it’s disedifying to see two good
neighbours--the backbone of the parish--at loggerheads.

   DEEGAN. Denis has heard what I said. If he wishes, after that, to
shake hands, I have no objection.

   DENIS. And you heard what I said, too [_shaking hands with OLD
DEEGAN_]. I’ll speak out my mind, James Deegan. I’ve been trying and
trying these thirty years past to get a good strong lawshoot agen you,
but you always wriggled out one way or other, and you’ve tricked me
agen.

   DEEGAN. If I were a bit younger, Denis, I’d have met you in the Four
Courts on this case; but I’ve beaten you at home.

   DENIS. I admit. But if ever I get a chance at Dan....

   PAUL. Ah, quit talking, Denis.... You rural people are the devil for
law. You’d try to get a writ on a rabbit, for trespass.

   DAN. Come on, Rose, till I show you the big house.... I’m in flames,
but this is a miracle. [_He takes ROSE into the room._]

   PATRICK [_to MRS. DEEGAN_]. Come on, Janey, till we get a look at the
house, too. As Dan says, it’s a miracle. It is, by Mozes!


  _PATRICK and MRS. DEEGAN go into the room. DAISY comes in
   flashily dressed._


   DAISY. Denis M’Gothigan here! Some more plotting? Some more crooked
work, eh?

   PAUL. Mr. Deegan has just settled Dan’s breach case, Miss Mullan, and
I hope he’ll settle his own in due coorse.

   DAISY. That’s up to himself. I don’t want no law, but I ain’t no
softy. If Mr. Deegan wants a peaceable settlement, I’m quite ready to
discuss.... I’ve figured up your assets, James Deegan, and reckon you’re
worth about five thousand pounds. Don’t you think two thousand of that’s
doo me for breach of contract?

   DEEGAN. I’ll have to consult my lawyer about that.

   DAISY. Waal, mind, I ain’t coming back here with my finger in my
mouth to sue for terms. If you don’t want a settlement, say so, and I’ll
see a lawyer in town.

   O’HAGAN [_rising_]. Mr. Deegan, I want two words with you. Come
outside.


  _OLD DEEGAN and O’HAGAN go out back._


   DENIS [_rising_]. Faith, I’ll come with you. I want a drink at the
pump. [_He goes out back._]

   DAISY. Paul Twyning, what game are you playing? You’ve kept me
guessing all along the line. What are you up to?

   PAUL. Now for my own Waterloo!... I meant to unfold my story on the
way to town, Daisy, but I can as well unfold myself here.... I want your
sweet self, Daisy.

   DAISY. Whaaaaat!

   PAUL. I’ve travelled Ireland, England, and parts of Scotland, but
you’re the first woman I’ve encountered with even a suggestion of
brains. Before I say another word, Daisy, let me ask you a question.
What do you think of Paul Twyning’s intellectual equipment?

   DAISY. I think you got that roll of money.

   PAUL. My life on you! The money is here. [_Shows her the roll of
money._] Five hundred and ninety-nine pounds sterling. But the bank will
never thumb it. Ould Deegan can pay the bank at his leisure. After his
long reign of tyranny, a little touch of humility will do him good....
So what do you say, my honey, if we spend this rowl together?

   DAISY. Do you care for me, Paul?

   PAUL. If there is true love on earth, Daisy, I’ve found it. The first
time I heard your sweet voice was at M’Gothigan’s barn-dance and I
kicked off a year every time you spoke.

   DAISY. And would you come to America, Paul?

   PAUL. The dream of my life has been to salute the statue of Liberty
in New York harbour.

   DAISY. But what security have I that you mean a square deal?

   PAUL. I can give substantial bail for my good behaviour. [_Offers her
the roll of notes._] Put that in your vanity-bag, dearest.

   DAISY. No, sweetheart. You hang on to it yourself.... You’re a nice
feller, and look good to me.... Kiss my hand.

   PAUL. I’m glad to see you’re affectionate. [_Kisses her hand._] We’ll
pay Dublin a quiet visit, till this blows over, and then, as Dan says,
“the raging main.”

   DAISY. My cousin Darby’s going to drive us in. I can pick up my
suit-case at the house, passing.

   PAUL. Beautiful! We just have nice time to catch the last train ...
and Darby will drive home empty.


  _OLD DEEGAN, O’HAGAN and DENIS come in._


   O’HAGAN. Miss Mullan, when you settle with the bank will you come
right back here? I’ll wait here for you. And we’ll have our offer
prepared.... It won’t be ungenerous.

   DAISY. Waal, we’ll see. I’ll come right back.... Paul Twyning, are
you ready?

   PAUL. One moment. I want to see Dan. I want the loan of his
shower-proof, for I can’t interview bankers in this raiment.... [_He
goes into the room._]

   DAISY. I believe you folks have got the soft side of Paul Twyning, I
do.

   O’HAGAN. You are mistaken. There’s no soft side to Paul Twyning.

   DAISY. Waal, I’m going to settle with the bank. [_Taps her bag._] The
money is here.... Not the money was stolen, but other money. And mind, I
expect a square deal when I come back.

   DEEGAN. And you’ll get it.


  _PAUL comes from the room, wearing DAN’S new coat and hat._


   PAUL. Mr. Deegan, could you oblige me in a loan of ten pounds?

   DEEGAN. Oh, I think so. [_Gives him the money._]

   PAUL. I may need this and I may not, but it’s always well to have
it.... Now, Miss Mullan, is your equipage ready?

   DEEGAN. Darby Mullan has his car at the gate.

   DAISY. Does anyone want to come to town?

   O’HAGAN. No, thanks. We all stay here till you come back.

   PAUL. Well, good-bye for the present.... You won’t have long to wait.


  _PAUL and DAISY go out. PATRICK, DAN, MRS. DEEGAN and ROSE come
   from the room._


   PATRICK. Are they away, father?

   OLD DEEGAN. They’re off.... And in fifty years’ experience I’ve never
been as near beaten.... But all has turned out well in the end.... Mr.
O’Hagan has the agreements in his bag. I have no property now in the
world. You have the public-house, Patrick, and you, Daniel, have the
farm and Rose.... Let Daisy Mullan come back and do her worst....


  _O’HAGAN takes out agreements and DEEGAN signs._


   DAN. Just if her and Twyning ever comes back, fader....

   DEEGAN. What do you mean, sir? Of course they’re coming back....

   DAN [_looks out the window_]. I’m in flames, but I’ve my own notion
about them coming back! The car’s stopped at Mullan’s, getting out
shoot-cases....

   DEEGAN. She wants to show off with her American trappings.

   DAN. I’m in flames, but all’s not right! They’re away galloping down
the road and laughing like mad....

   DEEGAN. They’ll not laugh so much when they come back and hear my
offer....

   PATRICK _and_ MRS. DEEGAN. Ay, when they come back!

   DAN. I’m in flames, Paul’s kissing the ould Yankee like a
steam-engine.... And she’s letting him.... [_Turns from the
window._] Honest to God, amen, fader, I believe Paul and ould
Daisy ’ill never be....

   DEEGAN. Will never what, sir?

   DAN. Oh, nothing, fader. Of course you know best. You’re a highly
educated man.... And anyway, Paul or no Paul, Daisy or no Daisy, I’ve
got my Rose. Amen.


  _He puts his arm round her as the Curtain falls._


                                THE END


------------------------------------------------------------------------




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------------------------------------------------------------------------




                          Transcriber’s Notes


This file uses _underscores_ to indicate italic text. Line spacing
around stage directions, and the capitalisation of names within stage
directions, have been standardised in this edition. Other changes from
the printed original:

 • p. 19: Replaced “find” with “fine” in line “We’ve a fine hall door,
   sir.”
 • p. 30: Replaced “Am’t” with “Amn’t” in line “Amn’t I a hero?”
 • p. 39: Replaced “bag-gate” with “baggage” in line “Have I no personal
   baggage at all?”
 • p. 43: Removed blank line after line “I can crawl back the road I
   come.”
 • p. 82: Added period after scene description “His valise is lying on
   the floor.”
 • p. 94: Added comma to line “I’ll put off this jacket, I’m warm.”
 • p. 39: Added hyphen to “conversation-lozenger” in line “And didn’t
   you slip her a conversation-lozenger....”
 • p. 182: Replaced “is’nt” with “isn’t” in line “It’s just as well for
   you it isn’t the Four Courts.”

New original cover art included with this eBook is granted to the public
domain.



*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 76449 ***