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diff --git a/75848-0.txt b/75848-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..2d30d62 --- /dev/null +++ b/75848-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,884 @@ + +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 75848 *** + +Transcriber’s Note: Words and phrases in italics are surrounded by +underscores, _like this_. + + + + + Hearts _and_ Clubs + + A COMEDY IN THREE ACTS + + _By Amy E. Blanchard_ + + [Illustration] + + PHILADELPHIA + THE PENN PUBLISHING COMPANY + 1913 + + + + + COPYRIGHT 1896 BY THE PENN PUBLISHING COMPANY + + + + + HEARTS AND CLUBS + + + + + CAST OF CHARACTERS + + + MR. FOSSIL _An elderly gentleman, with a hobby_ + TOM BESTMAN _A nephew of Mr. Fossil_ + MR. ALLJOY _A gentleman fond of his club_ + MISS DOTING _A spinster who adores Beauty and Emerson_ + MINTRA TRIPTOE _Miss Doting’s niece_ + MRS. ALLJOY _A would-be invalid_ + MRS. FRISK _A stout lady, an advocate of physical culture_ + MRS. BODKIN _A thin lady, an advocate of physical culture_ + MISS STEIN _A teacher of physical culture_ + + MRS. PALLIDE AND OTHER LADIES OF THE X. Y. Z. CLUB + + + COSTUMES--MODERN. + +In Act I, Scene II, ladies should wear free, easily fitting dresses +or gymnasium suits. Miss Doting’s dress is always gay and coquettish. + + + TIME IN REPRESENTATION--ONE HOUR AND + FIFTEEN MINUTES. + + + + + HEARTS AND CLUBS + + + + + ACT I + + SCENE I--_A seaside hotel._ MRS. ALLJOY’S _sitting-room, prettily + furnished. Table and chairs_ R. _Sofa_ L. _Doors_ R. _and_ L. + _At rise of curtain_ MR. ALLJOY _is discovered seated_ R. _of + table reading a newspaper_. MRS. ALLJOY _is lying upon sofa_. + +MRS. ALLJOY. (_sighing_) O dear! + +MR. ALLJOY. (_looking over top of paper_) What is the matter now, +Lolly? + +MRS. ALLJOY. The same old thing, this pain in my side, and there is a +strange feeling in the back of my head. I wonder what it is! + +MR. ALLJOY. Oh, you want something to distract you. Come, jump up, +and let us go down-stairs and hear the music. You might as well be at +home as moping up in this room. Come, it will do you good. + +MRS. ALLJOY. O Joey! I couldn’t possibly dress and go down to-night. +Just suppose I should faint! + +MR. ALLJOY. Well, suppose you do; you are not likely to, you know. +You would soon get over it, and you wouldn’t be a mile from your own +room. + +MRS. ALLJOY. You are so heartless. I think it is cruel of you to talk +that way. Even if I didn’t faint, those parlors are so draughty, and +the music always makes my head ache. + +MR. ALLJOY. Very well, we needn’t go. (_Silence, excepting the +rustling of the paper._) + +MRS. ALLJOY. Joe, can’t you read without making such a noise with the +paper? It does distract me so. My poor nerves cannot stand much. + +MR. ALLJOY. I cannot very well spend my evening spelling out the +advertisements on one side of the paper. (_Sarcastically_) Perhaps +I may be able to find a newspaper of a single sheet only--one of +those patent-inside arrangements--if so, I certainly shall take it. +(_Getting up_) Since I am so unpleasantly distracting, I had better +leave you in peace. They don’t mind speaking above a whisper at the +club. (_Throws down paper and takes up his hat_) Good-night; don’t +sit up for me. (_Goes out_, R.) + +MRS. ALLJOY. (_burying her head in the pillow and sobbing_) There +he goes again to that hateful old club, leaving poor forlorn me all +alone. Oh, these heartless men! (_A knock at the door_, R.) + + (_Enter_ MRS. FRISK.) + +MRS. FRISK. Why, Lolly, what is the matter? + +MRS. ALLJOY. (_sitting up and wiping her eyes_) O Anna! I am so glad +you came in! It is the same old story, of course. Joe has gone over +to the club, leaving me alone with nothing to do; I cannot do fancy +work, it makes my back ache; I cannot read, for it makes my head +ache, and so here I am deprived of everything, even my husband’s +society. I am a perfect martyr. + +MRS. FRISK. (_laughing_) Laura, you do make me laugh, you are so bent +upon being miserable. Now, don’t put on that injured look. I have +something to tell you. + +MRS. ALLJOY. (_brightening up_) Have you? What is it? I am dying to +hear. + +MRS. FRISK. First, look at me. Do you see this new gown? + +MRS. ALLJOY. Yes. How well you look in it. + +MRS. FRISK. (_triumphantly_) That is just it. I am one inch longer in +the waist than I was two months ago, and it is all due to physical +culture. + +MRS. ALLJOY. Physical culture? + +MRS. FRISK. Yes. You have no idea what it does for one, and it would +be just the thing for you. + +MRS. ALLJOY. Oh, no! I never could swing those dreadful Indian clubs +and jump over a rope four or five feet high or squirm in and out of +little square places like a snake. As for a trapeze, I have a perfect +horror of one. + +MRS. FRISK. Nonsense! That isn’t what you have to do. Why, it is as +simple as can be, to begin with, and has cured more headaches and +backaches than I could begin to tell you of. See, I will show you a +few of the first exercises. (_Rises, and goes through a few movements +rather awkwardly_) There, now, that isn’t so dreadfully hard, is it? +Come, Laura, say you will join our club. + +MRS. ALLJOY. Club! Did you say you had a club? + +MRS. FRISK. Yes; one must do something in Lent, and it is awfully +stupid down here, so we have organized a club, the X. Y. Z. The +culmination of knowledge, you see, as opposed to A. B. C. The X. Y. +Z. Club, composed of about a dozen ladies who are seeking different +ends through the same means; I, for instance, am bent upon decreasing +my size; even “add a cubit to my stature,” and it would not come +amiss if I were able to stretch up to it and out of my avoirdupois. +Mrs. Bodkin, on the contrary, pines for flesh, for breadth of chest, +and mightiness of muscle. Miss Doting, the dear soul, thinks the +movements “such lines of beauty,” and her prophetic eye sees herself, +though spare of flesh, an undulating, willowy figure, gliding before +some hero’s vision and into his heart; while dear Mintra, her niece, +who has come down here with her, does it all “just for the fun of the +thing.” + +MRS. ALLJOY. Well, I really believe I will join you, since Mr. Joe is +so absorbed in his club, and I will show him that I can have a club, +too. Yes, I really will join you. + +MRS. FRISK. (_delightedly_) That is right. We meet to-morrow in Mrs. +Bodkin’s rooms at three o’clock. Now I must go. Good-night. Don’t get +up. + +MRS. ALLJOY. Oh! I feel better already. I will go to the door with +you. (_They go toward door_, L.) + + + CURTAIN + + + SCENE II--MRS. BODKIN’S _drawing-room, handsomely furnished. Large + table with lamp down_ R. _Doors_ R. _and_ L. _and_ C. _in flat. + Ladies are all present and are preparing for a meeting of the + Club_. MRS. FRISK _and_ MRS. ALLJOY _down_ C. + +MRS. FRISK. Now, Lolly dear, you see us as we are, absolutely +afraid of our teacher, each other, and our own selves. Mrs. Bodkin, +(_addressing_ MRS. B., _who stands near_) do you know I have lost a +whole pound, and I am at least an inch longer in the waist. + +MRS. BODKIN. Really? Well, I have found your pound, and am +triumphantly wearing it; and, as for your inch, I have added that to +my chest measure. + +MRS. ALLJOY. You have? What is that Mrs. Pallide is saying, “Ma za?” +Is she seeking a rhyme? + +MRS. FRISK. (_laughing_) No, that is for exercising the muscles of +the mouth, and so is the sentence she is practicing now, “Most men +want poise and more royal margin.” + +MRS. ALLJOY. Do you suppose we really need to exercise the muscles +of our mouths? I fancy our husbands will hardly think so. + +MRS. FRISK. Rank treason, my dear! Do they not need to exercise their +biceps? + +MRS. ALLJOY. Do look at Miss Doting. Is she invoking Juno? + +MRS. FRISK. No, she would never invoke any one but Venus, my dear. + +MISS DOTING. (_who has been going through some of the arm movements +most extravagantly, shakes her finger at the three ladies as she +approaches_) Ah, my dears, I see you laughing at me, but as that +dear Emerson says in his ode to “Beauty,” “Unmake me quite, or give +thyself to me.” And, oh! (_clasping her hands in a soulful way_) I do +so long for “Beauty;” not the tender tints of spring, not the rose +flush of June, but the beauty of autumn. Oh, surely, surely I may +consider that I am not too late in seeking that aftermath. + +MRS. ALLJOY. Oh, surely, surely not too late, Miss Doting. + +MRS. FRISK. You look so well to-day. + +MRS. BODKIN. That is a most becoming costume. + +MISS DOTING. Oh! do you think so? Pet laughed at me, and though she +is too dear a child to say so, I know she thinks me too old to wear +pink; but, as I said to her, “Beauty is its own excuse for being,” +and the rosy streaks of sunset are as beautifully tender as the +auroral glow of morn. And why may I not be clad like the sunset? + +MRS. FRISK. Why, of course you may. (_Aside_) There is no one to +say you may not; but can you, and not look like a guy, that is the +question. (_Aloud_) Speaking of Pet, is Mintra not here? Ah, there +she is. + + (MINTRA _enters and_ MRS. ALLJOY _meets her, goes front; other + ladies go through different gestures very awkwardly, laughing + and talking with one another_.) + +MRS. ALLJOY. Mintra, dear, I want so much to see you for a moment. I +must enlighten you in a matter upon which I happen to be informed, +and you do not. Old Mr. Fossil is here. + +MINTRA. (_starting_) Is he? + +MRS. ALLJOY. Yes, and Tom Bestman told my husband--you know what old +friends they are, and you will forgive it, I know--he told my husband +that his uncle was furious with him. Your aunt does not know of your +engagement, does she? + +MINTRA. No, indeed; I have told her nothing about it. She has only +seen Tom twice, and doesn’t know he has an uncle. You know mamma +could not have told her, for she did not stop in Philadelphia at all. + +MRS. ALLJOY. Well, Tom’s uncle vows he shall never marry any one but +a strong-minded daughter of the soil; at least--not exactly that--but +he advocates only sensible women, as he calls them, and objects in +the most strenuous manner to high heels, small waists, and society +foibles and follies. + +MINTRA. Well! + +MRS. ALLJOY. Not at all well. You dear, silly little goose (_putting +her arm affectionately around her_), do you know what that means? +Why, it means that your dear Tom is thrown off to shift for himself, +and instead of having a very comfortable berth he will have nothing +at all; and though he is by no means a fool, yet it will be years +before he is in a position to marry, if he doesn’t marry to please +his uncle, and his uncle has conceived a frantic dislike to you. + +MINTRA. Me? + +MRS. ALLJOY. Yes, “me” (_mimicking her_), and “me” must go to work +and disabuse the old gentleman of his ridiculous ideas. + +MINTRA. But how? + +MRS. ALLJOY. My dear goosie, you see the means before you. Physical +culture, of course. Send to the city for low-heeled shoes; increase +your waist measure at least four inches; be an enthusiastic walker; +stand up straight; give him the idea that your one aim in life is +to be sensible, that your ideal of perfection is a healthy peasant, +and--well, that is all. + +MINTRA. (_enthusiastically_) I’ll do it. + +MISS DOTING. (_approaching_) Ah, Pet, dear! you see I was right to +wear my pink gown. I have received many compliments, I assure you. “I +builded better than I knew,” as dear Emerson says. I want to tell you +something, I met such a charming man just before I came upstairs. + +MINTRA. (_indifferently_) Who was it, auntie? You meet so many +“charming men.” + +MISS DOTING. (_coquettishly_) Now, Pet, how can I help it if they +make themselves charming to me? Surely I do nothing to attract them, +and you know how terribly soon my ideals vanish. But this time!--O +Pet! (_theatrically_), “When half gods go, the gods arrive!” and Mr. +Fossil is Jove-like in his dignity. + +MINTRA. (_excitedly_) Mr. Fossil? + +MISS DOTING. Yes, Mr. Fossil; and O Pet! he is so interested in our +club, and he asked me--well (_coyly_), perhaps he should not have +done so upon so short an acquaintance; but when I told him that we +proposed giving an exhibition of our talent to the guests of the +house, at a later date, he asked me (_giggles_), he asked me if he +might come, and I said yes. + +MINTRA. (_laughing_) Well, auntie, I don’t think that was so terribly +forward. I shall not object, for one. + +MRS. BODKIN. O Mrs. Frisk! do you know your lesson? (_Proceeds with a +stanza of_ “Young Lochinvar,” _hesitates and breaks down_.) There! I +knew I could not do it. + +MRS. FRISK. Oh! never mind. You will be all right. At any rate, there +are plenty to keep you company. I wonder where Miss Stein is. + +MRS. PALLIDE. She will be a little late, I think, for I saw her +talking to Mr. Fossil, and you know his hobby. Do you know I cannot +remember that neck movement to save my life. + +SEVERAL. Oh! can’t you? Why, this is it. (_All proceed to show her, +differently._) + +MRS. PALLIDE. I don’t see that I am any wiser than I was before. +However, I will ask Miss Stein to show me. Do, somebody see if I say +this correctly. (_Begins another stanza of_ “Lochinvar,” _but stops +to giggle_) Now, Mrs. Frisk, if you look at me in that way I cannot +say it. I’ll tell Miss Stein of you. There she is now. (_All rush up +to_ MISS STEIN, _who enters the room_, C.) + + + CURTAIN + + + + + ACT II + + + SCENE--_Porch of hotel. Gravel walk across stage in front of + porch. Exits_ R. _and_ L. _Main entrance to hotel_ C. _in flat. + Full-length windows_, R. _and_ L. _Wicker chairs scattered about + porch._ MR. FOSSIL _and_ MR. BESTMAN _discovered seated down_ L. + +MR. FOSSIL. (_rising_) Yes, sir, I say that the young men of the +present day are idiots. Yes, sir, brainless idiots. Do you suppose +for one instant, sir, that I intend my money to go toward supporting +a race of wasp-waisted, deformed, hollow-chested women? (_Walking +about porch excitedly_) Not for my right hand. I would rather see you +married to a German peasant with thick ankles and a thick head than +to a simpering silly society girl tottering along on her high-heeled, +pointed-toed shoes. (_Stopping before_ TOM) Look at that. (_Takes a +slipper from his pocket_) That is the kind of shoe I mean. Now, can +you deny that this is the same style of footgear that your charming, +lovely Mintra wears? (_Takes out a photograph_) I found this stuck +in your mirror. Look at that waist. No wonder she stands with her +back to you. I should think she would be ashamed to show her face. +How does she breathe? Where are her lungs? Where is her heart? No, +sir, it is time this folly--no, it is worse than folly--this crime, +I call it--should be stopped, and I, for one, give no consent toward +the encouragement of monstrosities. Now, you have my answer. You can +marry your high-heeled, wasp-waisted, narrow-chested deformed ninny +if you want to; but if you do, you leave my office at once, and every +cent of my money shall go toward the founding of gymnasiums for women. + +TOM. But, uncle, you do not expect me to give up the girl I love +simply because she does not measure a yard around her waist. What +in the world has that to do with her moral character or her lovely, +amiable qualities? + +MR. FOSSIL. It has everything to do with them. A girl that distorts +the body the Lord gave her hasn’t proper moral perception, and as for +her charming qualities, I suppose you can live on them. + +TOM. But, uncle, it is ridiculous to take a dislike to a girl you +have never seen. Let me present you, and-- + +MR. FOSSIL. No, and I do not wish to see her. I hope I never shall. +I know enough of the species already. I shall go back to the city +to-night, and I expect you to go with me. + +TOM. Now, sir, that is a little too much. She is just like all girls. +I mean she isn’t like all girls, but she has had no opportunity for +doing differently because she has had no example before her, and you +surely do not expect me to-- + +MR. FOSSIL. I expect nothing, and if her nonsensical style suits you +my ideas do not, so there is an end of it. (_Exit_ C.) + +(_Enter_ MINTRA, R.) Tom, is that you? + +TOM. (_rising_) Yes; what is left of me. + +MINTRA. Why, what is the matter? + +TOM. Oh, nothing but what I shall have to stand. Uncle expects me to +go back to the city with him to-night. + +MINTRA. Well, never mind. You can come back again. Now, Tom, don’t +look so glum. You know I want you to stay, but old people are apt to +be a bit cranky, and it is best to humor them sometimes, then they +get over their little tempers sooner. You should see how I have to +manage Auntie. Was he so very angry when you--when you told him about +me? (_shyly._) + +TOM. (_savagely_) Yes. Confound his impudence! + +MINTRA. Now, Tom, don’t be so savage. You know “the course of true +love,” and if it is only this I don’t mind. As long as you are my own +dear boy, the whole world may turn against me. We’ll have him on our +side yet, you see if we do not. + +TOM. You dear little girl (_puts his arm around her_), if he could +but see you once, he couldn’t help being on your side. + +MINTRA. Tom, have I such a very small waist? + +TOM. Yes, you are quite like a wasp. + +MINTRA. Oh, you mean thing. I am not like one of those horrid, shiny, +blue wasps. + +TOM. No, I didn’t mean a wasp. I meant a dear little busy bee. + +MINTRA. The reason I asked is--but, please promise not to tell any +one. + +TOM. All right, I promise. + +MINTRA. You know there is a club organized here, just to fill up this +stupid season, and you know how dull it is for me when you are not +here, for I cannot write to you every hour in the day. Well, at first +I wasn’t a bit interested, but I really am now. You see I had never +thought of narrow chests, or little bits of waists being so very +injurious. I thought it was just a fad of old people, like Auntie; +but when I heard Miss Stein talk--you know she has come down to give +us lessons--I was converted at once, it all seemed so sensible. And +so I have joined the club for Physical Culture, and-- + +TOM. (_rapturously_) You have! + +MINTRA. Yes. Are you glad? Do you approve? + +TOM. Approve! I should think so. + +MINTRA. I am so glad. Well, now you see, I practice often, oh! real +often, and Tom, although you don’t seem to think so, I am ever and +ever so many inches larger in the waist. And now the funny thing I +was going to tell you is this: I sent to the city for some low-heeled +shoes, for I have discarded all my high heels; but last night as I +was going to close my shutters, one of them stuck. I couldn’t quite +reach the catch, so I took up one of my high-heeled slippers--for the +heel makes an excellent hammer--and as the catch sprang suddenly, +it knocked the slipper out of my hand and it went flying out of the +window. Of course, it was dark, but I told one of the hall boys to +try and find it, and this morning he said he had hunted everywhere, +but it was not to be seen. Now, who in the world do you suppose could +have picked it up? + +TOM. Ha! ha! ha! That is funny! Forgive me, my darling, but it is so +funny, I can’t help laughing. I think I could tell where it is. + +MINTRA. O Tom! did you find it? + +TOM. Never mind who found it. I have seen it, and that is all I shall +tell you. It is perfectly safe. + +MINTRA. Well! I think you are very mean. Do, please, throw it away +where no one can find it. Do, like a good boy. Now I must go. You +must not worry, dear. + + (_Exit, both_, L.) + + (_Enter_ MRS. ALLJOY, C.) + +MRS. ALLJOY. I am so glad no one is here. Now I can practice a little +without being heard. (_Begins_) Ma-za-sca-ah. (_Goes through some +gestures._) + + (_Enter_ MR. ALLJOY, R.) + +MR. ALLJOY. Why, Laura, what are you doing? + +MRS. ALLJOY. (_looking at him steadfastly and seriously_) Most men +want poise, and more royal margin. + +MR. ALLJOY. So they do; so they do. (_Aside_) Good gracious, now +did she hear of that little speculation? I might as well own up. +(_Aloud_) I know, my dear, I should have had more poise; but you know +I don’t often lose my head, and a man certainly does need a royal +margin when he is dabbling in stocks. + +MRS. ALLJOY. Joseph Alljoy, are you crazy? + +MR. ALLJOY. No. Are you? + +MRS. ALLJOY. Not at all. My mind is perfectly clear. + +MR. ALLJOY. I, Joseph Alljoy, being of sound mind-- + +MRS. ALLJOY. Joseph, you certainly are insane. I presume you have +left at the club the small amount of brains you once possessed. Now +at my club-- + +MR. ALLJOY. Ye powers above! She has a club! Clubs are trumps, and we +seem to hold a full hand. How fortunate that you are my partner! I +thought you always called for diamonds though? + +MRS. ALLJOY. Well, I don’t get them if I do--not when you deal. + +MR. ALLJOY. Now, Lolly, don’t let’s quarrel. We have done so much of +it lately, and you have seemed so like your old self, for the past +few days, that I hoped--indeed, I did hope that our old happy days +might come back. + +MRS. ALLJOY. But you didn’t go to the club, then. + +MR. ALLJOY. Neither did you. No, hearts were trumps, and they are +best after all. Clubs! They are a man’s refuge + + “From ev’ry stormy wind that blows, + From ev’ry swelling tide of woes;” + +but a woman and a club are about as incongruous as a woman and a +base-ball bat. You didn’t need clubs before we were married. + +MRS. ALLJOY. Neither did you. + +MR. ALLJOY. No; for you were very entertaining then, and did not need +to be coaxed to go walking or driving. You cannot go anywhere with me +now; but you are well enough to go to clubs. + +MRS. ALLJOY. You will be sorry you spoke to me in this way. I meant +to tell you all about it, but I shall not now. + +MR. ALLJOY. Now, Laura, do. + +MRS. ALLJOY. Aha! Curiosity is it? + +MR. ALLJOY. Oh! no! But it is your duty to tell me. + +MRS. ALLJOY. (_scornfully_) Duty! + +(_They walk off_, L., _talking and gesticulating in an animated +manner, as enter_ MISS DOTING _and_ MR. FOSSIL, C.) + +MISS DOTING. O Mr. Fossil! it is cruel of you to leave us so soon, +but you naughty men are so uncertain; however, we must try and be +contented, for Emerson says “Discontent is the want of self-reliance; +it is the infirmity of will.” Now you must promise me again before +you go that you will surely return to witness our little attempt to +illustrate Physical Culture. + +MR. FOSSIL. Well, really, Miss Doting, I--ahem!--I do not know +whether my business will permit me--but-- + +MISS DOTING. (_with a little scream of dismay_) O Mr. Fossil! you +surely will not disappoint us, I may say, disappoint me. Your +presence wanting will cast the gloom of discouragement over us all, +for we had hoped our champion would surely support us. You know +(_coyly_) we are only debutantes, and need a great deal of coaxing +and petting. (_with another little scream_) Oh, no! I don’t mean +petting. I mean--encouragement. As dear Pet, my niece, says: “Auntie, +you will never be anything but a child,” and indeed, as Emerson so +beautifully expresses it: + + “Spring is still spring in the mind + When sixty years are told, + Love wakes anew this throbbing heart, + And we are never old.” + +MR. FOSSIL. Very true, very true, Miss Doting. + +MISS DOTING. Now, Mr. Fossil, we can depend upon you, I know. I +should so like you to see Pet, my dear niece. We are like sisters, +and in this little club of ours she is so in sympathy with me. Fancy +the dear child discarding all her pretty slippers, and wearing low +heels; fancy her clothing her dear young form in the garb of a true +dress reformer. You should see her pretty, graceful movements, free +as the bird that wings its way over yon ocean; free as the curling +wave that laps the bleaching sand. Oh, those exquisite movements +of grace! O Beauty! Beauty! how I adore thee! Yes, Mr. Fossil, you +should see my dear, heroic little niece. + +MR. FOSSIL. I should like to see her, madam. A girl nowadays who is +willing to elevate this degenerate race by discarding its follies and +vanities, is a girl after my own heart. Miss Pet must be a niece to +be proud of, and it speaks well for the teachings of her aunt, that +she is so tractable and amiable as to follow her suggestions. I wish +my nephew were as obedient. + +MISS DOTING. You have a nephew, Mr. Fossil? + +MR. FOSSIL. Yes, madam, my dead sister’s son, to whom I have been a +father, and who now despises my counsels and derides my opinions. + +MISS DOTING. O Mr. Fossil! how can he? One so good, so noble, so +truly wise in his judgments should be listened to as we listen to +truth. + +MR. FOSSIL. Thank you, thank you, Miss Doting. I think I must try and +manage to get down to your little exhibition, and I anticipate much +pleasure in meeting your niece. And now, my dear madam, I must make +my adieux, for I fear it is train time. + +MISS DOTING. Good-bye, Mr. Fossil, or rather, _au revoir_. (_Stands +gazing after him as he goes off_ R. TOM _and_ MINTRA _appear_ L. +MINTRA _goes up porch_. TOM _goes off_ R., _lingeringly, turning back +several times, while_ MINTRA _waves her hand_.) + + + CURTAIN + + + + + ACT III + + + SCENE I--_Parlor of hotel, furniture removed. The X. Y. Z. Club, in + costume, gives its exhibition._ + + _If so desired, this scene may be omitted._ + +_For suggestions, see Shoemaker’s “Advanced Elocution,” “Delsartean +Pantomimes,” or “Drills and Marches,” published by the Penn +Publishing Company, Philadelphia._ + + + SCENE II--_Same as above, with furniture. Arch with curtains_ C. + _in flat. Entrances_ R. _and_ L. _The company distributed in + groups about the stage._ MISS DOTING _and_ MINTRA, _still in + costume, and_ MR. FOSSIL, _down_ L. + +MISS DOTING. And how were you pleased, Mr. Fossil? + +MR. FOSSIL. Charmed, madam, charmed. + +MISS DOTING. (_turning to_ MINTRA) Pet, dear, allow me to present Mr. +Fossil. You have heard me extol his wisdom and good taste. And he has +heard of you, haven’t you, Mr. Fossil? + +MR. FOSSIL. Indeed, yes, Miss Pet, I cannot express to you the great +pleasure it gives me to meet a young lady so admirably sensible. +Your aunt tells me you are an enthusiast in the matter of Physical +Culture. “Strength before beauty” is my motto. + +MISS DOTING. O Mr. Fossil! but beauty! + +MR. FOSSIL. Pardon me. I should say, “Strength is beauty.” The beauty +of the vine depending upon the strength of its support, though it +be nothing but the solid ground; the beauty of the rose taking +its strength from the parent stalk. Fill nature with weakness and +disease, and there you have ugliness, repulsive distortion. Ah, my +dear young lady, I wish all women could realize that it is strength +of body which makes beauty. You are fond of walking? + +MINTRA. Oh, yes! I can walk miles. + +MISS DOTING. And return rosy and unwearied. + +MINTRA. But you know, auntie, how the English women walk; and look at +our own country girls. Why, even our little children walk miles to +school. Of course, if I wore little nippy heels, and went tripping +along like a Chinese lady, I should soon get tired. + +MR. FOSSIL. Most sensibly spoken. + +MINTRA. Thank you, Mr. Fossil. I knew you must be an advocate of +fresh air. Isn’t it delightful to take in great draughts of pure +oxygen and expand your lungs till you feel so invigorated that you +long to dwell on a mountain top for the rest of your life? (_Aside_) +I’ve been rehearsing those speeches for a week. + +MR. FOSSIL. Admirable! Excellent! (_Aside_) A remarkably fine girl, +Miss Doting. (_Aloud_) What charming costumes you are wearing, +ladies. How much better those old Greeks knew how to dress than we +do. But the day is dawning! Ah, Miss Pet! I wish that you were my +niece! (MISS DOTING _looks very coyly conscious_.) + +MINTRA. Are you sure, Mr. Fossil? + +MR. FOSSIL. Quite sure. If my scapegrace of a nephew would only ask +me to sanction his choice of such a girl, I tell you I should not be +long in giving my consent. + +MINTRA. Take care, Mr. Fossil; one never knows what may happen. +Suppose I hold you to your word some day? + +MR. FOSSIL. May the day soon come, my dear young lady, is my hearty +wish. (_Bows, ladies walk away, music is heard and all go out_ C. +_but_ MINTRA, _who stands listening_.) + + (_Enter_ TOM BESTMAN, R.) + +TOM. O my darling! I wondered where you were. I saw you were not +in the music room, so I came in here, hoping to find you. (_Takes +her hand_) Dear, I saw you talking to my uncle, and naturally I am +anxious to know what he--I mean what you thought of him. + +MINTRA. (_innocently_) Why, Tom, he is a dear, lovely old fellow, and +he paid me no end of compliments. He actually said he wished I were +his niece. + +TOM. He did? + +MINTRA. Yes, he did. + +TOM. Well, I vow! + +MINTRA. (_mocking him_) “Well, I vow,” you’re polite. Is it such a +very astonishing thing that an old gentleman should make such a wish? + +TOM. (_pulling his mustache_) No--but--at least, not all old +gentlemen, but this old gentleman isn’t like all old gentlemen; in +fact, he is a very cranky old gentleman, and I didn’t expect-- + +MINTRA. Didn’t expect! Never mind what you expected (_irritatedly_), +I do not know that I especially indorse his wish; indeed, as I come +to think of it, I am quite sure I do not. (_Turns away, pouting._) + +TOM. (_bewildered_) Why, my dear girl, what do you mean? Do you +want me to understand that you do not care for me any more? (MINTRA +_remains silent_.) My darling, don’t trifle with me. I have been +terribly upset lately, and if I am stupid or dense you must overlook +it. + +MINTRA. (_turning to him, and putting out both hands_) O Tom, you are +dense! I thought you would be so happy; I am. Don’t make me say so. +Cannot you see how easy it all is? + +TOM. Why--yes--I suppose so, only when you are dealing with a cranky +uncle-- + +MR. FOSSIL. (_entering suddenly_, C.) What’s this I hear? Cranky +uncle! Cranky uncle, is it? (_Turning to_ MINTRA) Don’t let this +young man make you believe his tales, Miss Pet. + +MINTRA. (_laughingly_) Ah, Mr. Fossil, remember what you said awhile +ago. You do not know to what tales I may be listening. + +MR. FOSSIL. I certainly indorse anything I may have said to you, Miss +Pet. + +MINTRA. Do you? Very well (_aside to_ TOM), present me as your +_fiancée_. Do hurry, Tom. + +TOM. (_looking rather dazed_) Uncle, let me present you to my +promised wife, Miss Mintra Triptoe. + +MR. FOSSIL. (_looking very much surprised_) Your promised wife? +Miss Mintra Triptoe? Why, I imagined this young lady to be Miss +Doting--Miss Pet Doting. + +MINTRA. No, Mr. Fossil, auntie is Miss Doting. I am her sister’s +child, and all the family call me Pet. + +MR. FOSSIL. Well, I am amazed. Nevertheless, my dear, I am delighted +as well. You little cajoler. Ha! ha! ha! Pretty well done. Ha! ha! ha! + + (_Enter_ MISS DOTING, C. TOM _and_ MINTRA _go out_, R.) + +MR. FOSSIL. Ah, Miss Doting, it seems that there is a possibility of +our being more nearly related, and that your niece may be my niece, +and my nephew your nephew. + +MISS DOTING. O Mr. Fossil! this is so unexpected. How have I won such +a prize? + +MR. FOSSIL. Prize? I am not sure about there being any great prize +won, excepting on my side. If all is, as I hope it is, the prize will +be won by my side of the house. + +MISS DOTING. O Mr. Fossil! what an adept you are in the language of +love! + +MR. FOSSIL. I? Not a bit of it. Well, perhaps I may have been rather +effusive to the lady; but I hope she did not think too much so. + +MISS DOTING. Too much so! How can you imagine it? What so delightful +to a woman’s ears as the graceful appreciation of the man she +admires--respects--adores--(_puts out both hands._) + +MR. FOSSIL. (_taking her hands_) Well, Miss Doting, I had no idea +that your niece was so impressed by my unworthy self, but she shall +find me a warm friend. Yes, madam, we are to be congratulated. I will +do my best for the young couple, and Tom will understand that his old +uncle hasn’t such poor judgment after all. + +MISS DOTING. (_withdrawing her hands_) Your nephew! My niece! +I--I--do not understand. + +MR. FOSSIL. Neither did I, at first; but the sly things told me they +were engaged. My nephew, Tom Bestman, to your niece, Miss Pet--no, I +mean Miss Mintra Do--no, I mean Triptoe. + +MISS DOTING. O, cruel! cruel! not to have told me at once. + +MR. FOSSIL. Not at all! not at all! Now, Miss Doting, pray do not +take it in that way. Young folks like a little secret. I don’t blame +them. Come, come, we old folks must give them our blessing and be +happy with them. + +MISS DOTING. (_aside_) Old folks! O, crueller still! Ah well, “What +does not come to us is not ours.” (_Aloud_) I suppose I must not be +too harsh, Mr. Fossil; let us find them; but we should remember that +Emerson says “the passion of which we speak, though it begins with +the young, does not forsake the old,” and you are scarcely old yet, +Mr. Fossil. (_Takes his arm and they walk off_, R.) + + (_Enter_ MR. _and_ MRS. ALLJOY, MRS. FRISK _and others_, L. + MR. _and_ MRS. ALLJOY _go down_ L.) + +MRS. ALLJOY. Now, Joe, you see my club is perfectly harmless. + +MR. ALLJOY. I congratulate you, Laura, I do, indeed. You are a trump. +By George! but it was a revelation to me. I hadn’t an idea you women +could be so limber. You looked stunning, too. + +MRS. ALLJOY. And you’ll find it doesn’t stop here. I’ll take a +five-mile walk with you to-morrow, if you say so. + +MR. ALLJOY. Good! we’ll do it. + +MRS. ALLJOY. And, Joe, you may rustle the paper all you choose, and +if you go to the club, remember, I’m going too. Somehow I’ve given up +being an invalid, so you’d better not let me be alone too much, with +all this newly acquired energy. + +MR. ALLJOY. I shall not want to go to the club if you will only be +good company for me. To tell you the truth, the club is getting to be +an awful bore, and I am about sick of clubs. That is a fact. + +MRS. ALLJOY. Then we’ll begin all over again. + +MRS. FRISK. (_coming down_) Isn’t she a lively invalid, Mr. Alljoy? +You may thank me for it. + +MR. ALLJOY. I do, most heartily. She’s her old self, indeed. Ah, here +comes Tom and Mintra. + + (_Enter_ TOM _and_ MINTRA, L., MR. FOSSIL _and_ MISS DOTING, R. MR. + _and_ MRS. ALLJOY _go toward them_. _All meet centre._) + +MISS DOTING. O Pet! why didn’t you tell me? + +MINTRA. What? About Tom? I was afraid to. (_looking roguishly at_ MR. +FOSSIL) I was afraid you’d tell Mr. Fossil. + +MR. FOSSIL. You little intriguer! Remember, I haven’t given my +consent. + +TOM. But, you do, give it, sir. + +MR. ALLJOY. Oh, yes! Mr. Fossil! + +MRS. ALLJOY. You do give it, Mr. Fossil? + +MR. FOSSIL. I do, indeed. + +TOM. Then we must thank-- + +MINTRA. The Heart suit, for although Clubs were trumps, Hearts have, +as usual, won at last. + + + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 75848 *** |