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+
+*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 75848 ***
+
+Transcriber’s Note: Words and phrases in italics are surrounded by
+underscores, _like this_.
+
+
+
+
+                          Hearts _and_ Clubs
+
+                        A COMEDY IN THREE ACTS
+
+                        _By Amy E. Blanchard_
+
+                            [Illustration]
+
+                             PHILADELPHIA
+                     THE PENN PUBLISHING COMPANY
+                                 1913
+
+
+
+
+            COPYRIGHT 1896 BY THE PENN PUBLISHING COMPANY
+
+
+
+
+                           HEARTS AND CLUBS
+
+
+
+
+                          CAST OF CHARACTERS
+
+
+   MR. FOSSIL                 _An elderly gentleman, with a hobby_
+   TOM BESTMAN                            _A nephew of Mr. Fossil_
+   MR. ALLJOY                       _A gentleman fond of his club_
+   MISS DOTING          _A spinster who adores Beauty and Emerson_
+   MINTRA TRIPTOE                            _Miss Doting’s niece_
+   MRS. ALLJOY                                _A would-be invalid_
+   MRS. FRISK      _A stout lady, an advocate of physical culture_
+   MRS. BODKIN      _A thin lady, an advocate of physical culture_
+   MISS STEIN                      _A teacher of physical culture_
+
+          MRS. PALLIDE AND OTHER LADIES OF THE X. Y. Z. CLUB
+
+
+                          COSTUMES--MODERN.
+
+In Act I, Scene II, ladies should wear free, easily fitting dresses
+or gymnasium suits. Miss Doting’s dress is always gay and coquettish.
+
+
+                 TIME IN REPRESENTATION--ONE HOUR AND
+                           FIFTEEN MINUTES.
+
+
+
+
+                           HEARTS AND CLUBS
+
+
+
+
+                                ACT I
+
+  SCENE I--_A seaside hotel._ MRS. ALLJOY’S _sitting-room, prettily
+     furnished. Table and chairs_ R. _Sofa_ L. _Doors_ R. _and_ L.
+     _At rise of curtain_ MR. ALLJOY _is discovered seated_ R. _of
+     table reading a newspaper_. MRS. ALLJOY _is lying upon sofa_.
+
+MRS. ALLJOY. (_sighing_) O dear!
+
+MR. ALLJOY. (_looking over top of paper_) What is the matter now,
+Lolly?
+
+MRS. ALLJOY. The same old thing, this pain in my side, and there is a
+strange feeling in the back of my head. I wonder what it is!
+
+MR. ALLJOY. Oh, you want something to distract you. Come, jump up,
+and let us go down-stairs and hear the music. You might as well be at
+home as moping up in this room. Come, it will do you good.
+
+MRS. ALLJOY. O Joey! I couldn’t possibly dress and go down to-night.
+Just suppose I should faint!
+
+MR. ALLJOY. Well, suppose you do; you are not likely to, you know.
+You would soon get over it, and you wouldn’t be a mile from your own
+room.
+
+MRS. ALLJOY. You are so heartless. I think it is cruel of you to talk
+that way. Even if I didn’t faint, those parlors are so draughty, and
+the music always makes my head ache.
+
+MR. ALLJOY. Very well, we needn’t go. (_Silence, excepting the
+rustling of the paper._)
+
+MRS. ALLJOY. Joe, can’t you read without making such a noise with the
+paper? It does distract me so. My poor nerves cannot stand much.
+
+MR. ALLJOY. I cannot very well spend my evening spelling out the
+advertisements on one side of the paper. (_Sarcastically_) Perhaps
+I may be able to find a newspaper of a single sheet only--one of
+those patent-inside arrangements--if so, I certainly shall take it.
+(_Getting up_) Since I am so unpleasantly distracting, I had better
+leave you in peace. They don’t mind speaking above a whisper at the
+club. (_Throws down paper and takes up his hat_) Good-night; don’t
+sit up for me. (_Goes out_, R.)
+
+MRS. ALLJOY. (_burying her head in the pillow and sobbing_) There
+he goes again to that hateful old club, leaving poor forlorn me all
+alone. Oh, these heartless men! (_A knock at the door_, R.)
+
+                        (_Enter_ MRS. FRISK.)
+
+MRS. FRISK. Why, Lolly, what is the matter?
+
+MRS. ALLJOY. (_sitting up and wiping her eyes_) O Anna! I am so glad
+you came in! It is the same old story, of course. Joe has gone over
+to the club, leaving me alone with nothing to do; I cannot do fancy
+work, it makes my back ache; I cannot read, for it makes my head
+ache, and so here I am deprived of everything, even my husband’s
+society. I am a perfect martyr.
+
+MRS. FRISK. (_laughing_) Laura, you do make me laugh, you are so bent
+upon being miserable. Now, don’t put on that injured look. I have
+something to tell you.
+
+MRS. ALLJOY. (_brightening up_) Have you? What is it? I am dying to
+hear.
+
+MRS. FRISK. First, look at me. Do you see this new gown?
+
+MRS. ALLJOY. Yes. How well you look in it.
+
+MRS. FRISK. (_triumphantly_) That is just it. I am one inch longer in
+the waist than I was two months ago, and it is all due to physical
+culture.
+
+MRS. ALLJOY. Physical culture?
+
+MRS. FRISK. Yes. You have no idea what it does for one, and it would
+be just the thing for you.
+
+MRS. ALLJOY. Oh, no! I never could swing those dreadful Indian clubs
+and jump over a rope four or five feet high or squirm in and out of
+little square places like a snake. As for a trapeze, I have a perfect
+horror of one.
+
+MRS. FRISK. Nonsense! That isn’t what you have to do. Why, it is as
+simple as can be, to begin with, and has cured more headaches and
+backaches than I could begin to tell you of. See, I will show you a
+few of the first exercises. (_Rises, and goes through a few movements
+rather awkwardly_) There, now, that isn’t so dreadfully hard, is it?
+Come, Laura, say you will join our club.
+
+MRS. ALLJOY. Club! Did you say you had a club?
+
+MRS. FRISK. Yes; one must do something in Lent, and it is awfully
+stupid down here, so we have organized a club, the X. Y. Z. The
+culmination of knowledge, you see, as opposed to A. B. C. The X. Y.
+Z. Club, composed of about a dozen ladies who are seeking different
+ends through the same means; I, for instance, am bent upon decreasing
+my size; even “add a cubit to my stature,” and it would not come
+amiss if I were able to stretch up to it and out of my avoirdupois.
+Mrs. Bodkin, on the contrary, pines for flesh, for breadth of chest,
+and mightiness of muscle. Miss Doting, the dear soul, thinks the
+movements “such lines of beauty,” and her prophetic eye sees herself,
+though spare of flesh, an undulating, willowy figure, gliding before
+some hero’s vision and into his heart; while dear Mintra, her niece,
+who has come down here with her, does it all “just for the fun of the
+thing.”
+
+MRS. ALLJOY. Well, I really believe I will join you, since Mr. Joe is
+so absorbed in his club, and I will show him that I can have a club,
+too. Yes, I really will join you.
+
+MRS. FRISK. (_delightedly_) That is right. We meet to-morrow in Mrs.
+Bodkin’s rooms at three o’clock. Now I must go. Good-night. Don’t get
+up.
+
+MRS. ALLJOY. Oh! I feel better already. I will go to the door with
+you. (_They go toward door_, L.)
+
+
+                               CURTAIN
+
+
+  SCENE II--MRS. BODKIN’S _drawing-room, handsomely furnished. Large
+     table with lamp down_ R. _Doors_ R. _and_ L. _and_ C. _in flat.
+     Ladies are all present and are preparing for a meeting of the
+     Club_. MRS. FRISK _and_ MRS. ALLJOY _down_ C.
+
+MRS. FRISK. Now, Lolly dear, you see us as we are, absolutely
+afraid of our teacher, each other, and our own selves. Mrs. Bodkin,
+(_addressing_ MRS. B., _who stands near_) do you know I have lost a
+whole pound, and I am at least an inch longer in the waist.
+
+MRS. BODKIN. Really? Well, I have found your pound, and am
+triumphantly wearing it; and, as for your inch, I have added that to
+my chest measure.
+
+MRS. ALLJOY. You have? What is that Mrs. Pallide is saying, “Ma za?”
+Is she seeking a rhyme?
+
+MRS. FRISK. (_laughing_) No, that is for exercising the muscles of
+the mouth, and so is the sentence she is practicing now, “Most men
+want poise and more royal margin.”
+
+MRS. ALLJOY. Do you suppose we really need to exercise the muscles
+of our mouths? I fancy our husbands will hardly think so.
+
+MRS. FRISK. Rank treason, my dear! Do they not need to exercise their
+biceps?
+
+MRS. ALLJOY. Do look at Miss Doting. Is she invoking Juno?
+
+MRS. FRISK. No, she would never invoke any one but Venus, my dear.
+
+MISS DOTING. (_who has been going through some of the arm movements
+most extravagantly, shakes her finger at the three ladies as she
+approaches_) Ah, my dears, I see you laughing at me, but as that
+dear Emerson says in his ode to “Beauty,” “Unmake me quite, or give
+thyself to me.” And, oh! (_clasping her hands in a soulful way_) I do
+so long for “Beauty;” not the tender tints of spring, not the rose
+flush of June, but the beauty of autumn. Oh, surely, surely I may
+consider that I am not too late in seeking that aftermath.
+
+MRS. ALLJOY. Oh, surely, surely not too late, Miss Doting.
+
+MRS. FRISK. You look so well to-day.
+
+MRS. BODKIN. That is a most becoming costume.
+
+MISS DOTING. Oh! do you think so? Pet laughed at me, and though she
+is too dear a child to say so, I know she thinks me too old to wear
+pink; but, as I said to her, “Beauty is its own excuse for being,”
+and the rosy streaks of sunset are as beautifully tender as the
+auroral glow of morn. And why may I not be clad like the sunset?
+
+MRS. FRISK. Why, of course you may. (_Aside_) There is no one to
+say you may not; but can you, and not look like a guy, that is the
+question. (_Aloud_) Speaking of Pet, is Mintra not here? Ah, there
+she is.
+
+ (MINTRA _enters and_ MRS. ALLJOY _meets her, goes front; other
+    ladies go through different gestures very awkwardly, laughing
+    and talking with one another_.)
+
+MRS. ALLJOY. Mintra, dear, I want so much to see you for a moment. I
+must enlighten you in a matter upon which I happen to be informed,
+and you do not. Old Mr. Fossil is here.
+
+MINTRA. (_starting_) Is he?
+
+MRS. ALLJOY. Yes, and Tom Bestman told my husband--you know what old
+friends they are, and you will forgive it, I know--he told my husband
+that his uncle was furious with him. Your aunt does not know of your
+engagement, does she?
+
+MINTRA. No, indeed; I have told her nothing about it. She has only
+seen Tom twice, and doesn’t know he has an uncle. You know mamma
+could not have told her, for she did not stop in Philadelphia at all.
+
+MRS. ALLJOY. Well, Tom’s uncle vows he shall never marry any one but
+a strong-minded daughter of the soil; at least--not exactly that--but
+he advocates only sensible women, as he calls them, and objects in
+the most strenuous manner to high heels, small waists, and society
+foibles and follies.
+
+MINTRA. Well!
+
+MRS. ALLJOY. Not at all well. You dear, silly little goose (_putting
+her arm affectionately around her_), do you know what that means?
+Why, it means that your dear Tom is thrown off to shift for himself,
+and instead of having a very comfortable berth he will have nothing
+at all; and though he is by no means a fool, yet it will be years
+before he is in a position to marry, if he doesn’t marry to please
+his uncle, and his uncle has conceived a frantic dislike to you.
+
+MINTRA. Me?
+
+MRS. ALLJOY. Yes, “me” (_mimicking her_), and “me” must go to work
+and disabuse the old gentleman of his ridiculous ideas.
+
+MINTRA. But how?
+
+MRS. ALLJOY. My dear goosie, you see the means before you. Physical
+culture, of course. Send to the city for low-heeled shoes; increase
+your waist measure at least four inches; be an enthusiastic walker;
+stand up straight; give him the idea that your one aim in life is
+to be sensible, that your ideal of perfection is a healthy peasant,
+and--well, that is all.
+
+MINTRA. (_enthusiastically_) I’ll do it.
+
+MISS DOTING. (_approaching_) Ah, Pet, dear! you see I was right to
+wear my pink gown. I have received many compliments, I assure you. “I
+builded better than I knew,” as dear Emerson says. I want to tell you
+something, I met such a charming man just before I came upstairs.
+
+MINTRA. (_indifferently_) Who was it, auntie? You meet so many
+“charming men.”
+
+MISS DOTING. (_coquettishly_) Now, Pet, how can I help it if they
+make themselves charming to me? Surely I do nothing to attract them,
+and you know how terribly soon my ideals vanish. But this time!--O
+Pet! (_theatrically_), “When half gods go, the gods arrive!” and Mr.
+Fossil is Jove-like in his dignity.
+
+MINTRA. (_excitedly_) Mr. Fossil?
+
+MISS DOTING. Yes, Mr. Fossil; and O Pet! he is so interested in our
+club, and he asked me--well (_coyly_), perhaps he should not have
+done so upon so short an acquaintance; but when I told him that we
+proposed giving an exhibition of our talent to the guests of the
+house, at a later date, he asked me (_giggles_), he asked me if he
+might come, and I said yes.
+
+MINTRA. (_laughing_) Well, auntie, I don’t think that was so terribly
+forward. I shall not object, for one.
+
+MRS. BODKIN. O Mrs. Frisk! do you know your lesson? (_Proceeds with a
+stanza of_ “Young Lochinvar,” _hesitates and breaks down_.) There! I
+knew I could not do it.
+
+MRS. FRISK. Oh! never mind. You will be all right. At any rate, there
+are plenty to keep you company. I wonder where Miss Stein is.
+
+MRS. PALLIDE. She will be a little late, I think, for I saw her
+talking to Mr. Fossil, and you know his hobby. Do you know I cannot
+remember that neck movement to save my life.
+
+SEVERAL. Oh! can’t you? Why, this is it. (_All proceed to show her,
+differently._)
+
+MRS. PALLIDE. I don’t see that I am any wiser than I was before.
+However, I will ask Miss Stein to show me. Do, somebody see if I say
+this correctly. (_Begins another stanza of_ “Lochinvar,” _but stops
+to giggle_) Now, Mrs. Frisk, if you look at me in that way I cannot
+say it. I’ll tell Miss Stein of you. There she is now. (_All rush up
+to_ MISS STEIN, _who enters the room_, C.)
+
+
+                               CURTAIN
+
+
+
+
+                                ACT II
+
+
+  SCENE--_Porch of hotel. Gravel walk across stage in front of
+     porch. Exits_ R. _and_ L. _Main entrance to hotel_ C. _in flat.
+     Full-length windows_, R. _and_ L. _Wicker chairs scattered about
+     porch._ MR. FOSSIL _and_ MR. BESTMAN _discovered seated down_ L.
+
+MR. FOSSIL. (_rising_) Yes, sir, I say that the young men of the
+present day are idiots. Yes, sir, brainless idiots. Do you suppose
+for one instant, sir, that I intend my money to go toward supporting
+a race of wasp-waisted, deformed, hollow-chested women? (_Walking
+about porch excitedly_) Not for my right hand. I would rather see you
+married to a German peasant with thick ankles and a thick head than
+to a simpering silly society girl tottering along on her high-heeled,
+pointed-toed shoes. (_Stopping before_ TOM) Look at that. (_Takes a
+slipper from his pocket_) That is the kind of shoe I mean. Now, can
+you deny that this is the same style of footgear that your charming,
+lovely Mintra wears? (_Takes out a photograph_) I found this stuck
+in your mirror. Look at that waist. No wonder she stands with her
+back to you. I should think she would be ashamed to show her face.
+How does she breathe? Where are her lungs? Where is her heart? No,
+sir, it is time this folly--no, it is worse than folly--this crime,
+I call it--should be stopped, and I, for one, give no consent toward
+the encouragement of monstrosities. Now, you have my answer. You can
+marry your high-heeled, wasp-waisted, narrow-chested deformed ninny
+if you want to; but if you do, you leave my office at once, and every
+cent of my money shall go toward the founding of gymnasiums for women.
+
+TOM. But, uncle, you do not expect me to give up the girl I love
+simply because she does not measure a yard around her waist. What
+in the world has that to do with her moral character or her lovely,
+amiable qualities?
+
+MR. FOSSIL. It has everything to do with them. A girl that distorts
+the body the Lord gave her hasn’t proper moral perception, and as for
+her charming qualities, I suppose you can live on them.
+
+TOM. But, uncle, it is ridiculous to take a dislike to a girl you
+have never seen. Let me present you, and--
+
+MR. FOSSIL. No, and I do not wish to see her. I hope I never shall.
+I know enough of the species already. I shall go back to the city
+to-night, and I expect you to go with me.
+
+TOM. Now, sir, that is a little too much. She is just like all girls.
+I mean she isn’t like all girls, but she has had no opportunity for
+doing differently because she has had no example before her, and you
+surely do not expect me to--
+
+MR. FOSSIL. I expect nothing, and if her nonsensical style suits you
+my ideas do not, so there is an end of it. (_Exit_ C.)
+
+(_Enter_ MINTRA, R.) Tom, is that you?
+
+TOM. (_rising_) Yes; what is left of me.
+
+MINTRA. Why, what is the matter?
+
+TOM. Oh, nothing but what I shall have to stand. Uncle expects me to
+go back to the city with him to-night.
+
+MINTRA. Well, never mind. You can come back again. Now, Tom, don’t
+look so glum. You know I want you to stay, but old people are apt to
+be a bit cranky, and it is best to humor them sometimes, then they
+get over their little tempers sooner. You should see how I have to
+manage Auntie. Was he so very angry when you--when you told him about
+me? (_shyly._)
+
+TOM. (_savagely_) Yes. Confound his impudence!
+
+MINTRA. Now, Tom, don’t be so savage. You know “the course of true
+love,” and if it is only this I don’t mind. As long as you are my own
+dear boy, the whole world may turn against me. We’ll have him on our
+side yet, you see if we do not.
+
+TOM. You dear little girl (_puts his arm around her_), if he could
+but see you once, he couldn’t help being on your side.
+
+MINTRA. Tom, have I such a very small waist?
+
+TOM. Yes, you are quite like a wasp.
+
+MINTRA. Oh, you mean thing. I am not like one of those horrid, shiny,
+blue wasps.
+
+TOM. No, I didn’t mean a wasp. I meant a dear little busy bee.
+
+MINTRA. The reason I asked is--but, please promise not to tell any
+one.
+
+TOM. All right, I promise.
+
+MINTRA. You know there is a club organized here, just to fill up this
+stupid season, and you know how dull it is for me when you are not
+here, for I cannot write to you every hour in the day. Well, at first
+I wasn’t a bit interested, but I really am now. You see I had never
+thought of narrow chests, or little bits of waists being so very
+injurious. I thought it was just a fad of old people, like Auntie;
+but when I heard Miss Stein talk--you know she has come down to give
+us lessons--I was converted at once, it all seemed so sensible. And
+so I have joined the club for Physical Culture, and--
+
+TOM. (_rapturously_) You have!
+
+MINTRA. Yes. Are you glad? Do you approve?
+
+TOM. Approve! I should think so.
+
+MINTRA. I am so glad. Well, now you see, I practice often, oh! real
+often, and Tom, although you don’t seem to think so, I am ever and
+ever so many inches larger in the waist. And now the funny thing I
+was going to tell you is this: I sent to the city for some low-heeled
+shoes, for I have discarded all my high heels; but last night as I
+was going to close my shutters, one of them stuck. I couldn’t quite
+reach the catch, so I took up one of my high-heeled slippers--for the
+heel makes an excellent hammer--and as the catch sprang suddenly,
+it knocked the slipper out of my hand and it went flying out of the
+window. Of course, it was dark, but I told one of the hall boys to
+try and find it, and this morning he said he had hunted everywhere,
+but it was not to be seen. Now, who in the world do you suppose could
+have picked it up?
+
+TOM. Ha! ha! ha! That is funny! Forgive me, my darling, but it is so
+funny, I can’t help laughing. I think I could tell where it is.
+
+MINTRA. O Tom! did you find it?
+
+TOM. Never mind who found it. I have seen it, and that is all I shall
+tell you. It is perfectly safe.
+
+MINTRA. Well! I think you are very mean. Do, please, throw it away
+where no one can find it. Do, like a good boy. Now I must go. You
+must not worry, dear.
+
+                          (_Exit, both_, L.)
+
+                      (_Enter_ MRS. ALLJOY, C.)
+
+MRS. ALLJOY. I am so glad no one is here. Now I can practice a little
+without being heard. (_Begins_) Ma-za-sca-ah. (_Goes through some
+gestures._)
+
+                       (_Enter_ MR. ALLJOY, R.)
+
+MR. ALLJOY. Why, Laura, what are you doing?
+
+MRS. ALLJOY. (_looking at him steadfastly and seriously_) Most men
+want poise, and more royal margin.
+
+MR. ALLJOY. So they do; so they do. (_Aside_) Good gracious, now
+did she hear of that little speculation? I might as well own up.
+(_Aloud_) I know, my dear, I should have had more poise; but you know
+I don’t often lose my head, and a man certainly does need a royal
+margin when he is dabbling in stocks.
+
+MRS. ALLJOY. Joseph Alljoy, are you crazy?
+
+MR. ALLJOY. No. Are you?
+
+MRS. ALLJOY. Not at all. My mind is perfectly clear.
+
+MR. ALLJOY. I, Joseph Alljoy, being of sound mind--
+
+MRS. ALLJOY. Joseph, you certainly are insane. I presume you have
+left at the club the small amount of brains you once possessed. Now
+at my club--
+
+MR. ALLJOY. Ye powers above! She has a club! Clubs are trumps, and we
+seem to hold a full hand. How fortunate that you are my partner! I
+thought you always called for diamonds though?
+
+MRS. ALLJOY. Well, I don’t get them if I do--not when you deal.
+
+MR. ALLJOY. Now, Lolly, don’t let’s quarrel. We have done so much of
+it lately, and you have seemed so like your old self, for the past
+few days, that I hoped--indeed, I did hope that our old happy days
+might come back.
+
+MRS. ALLJOY. But you didn’t go to the club, then.
+
+MR. ALLJOY. Neither did you. No, hearts were trumps, and they are
+best after all. Clubs! They are a man’s refuge
+
+    “From ev’ry stormy wind that blows,
+     From ev’ry swelling tide of woes;”
+
+but a woman and a club are about as incongruous as a woman and a
+base-ball bat. You didn’t need clubs before we were married.
+
+MRS. ALLJOY. Neither did you.
+
+MR. ALLJOY. No; for you were very entertaining then, and did not need
+to be coaxed to go walking or driving. You cannot go anywhere with me
+now; but you are well enough to go to clubs.
+
+MRS. ALLJOY. You will be sorry you spoke to me in this way. I meant
+to tell you all about it, but I shall not now.
+
+MR. ALLJOY. Now, Laura, do.
+
+MRS. ALLJOY. Aha! Curiosity is it?
+
+MR. ALLJOY. Oh! no! But it is your duty to tell me.
+
+MRS. ALLJOY. (_scornfully_) Duty!
+
+(_They walk off_, L., _talking and gesticulating in an animated
+manner, as enter_ MISS DOTING _and_ MR. FOSSIL, C.)
+
+MISS DOTING. O Mr. Fossil! it is cruel of you to leave us so soon,
+but you naughty men are so uncertain; however, we must try and be
+contented, for Emerson says “Discontent is the want of self-reliance;
+it is the infirmity of will.” Now you must promise me again before
+you go that you will surely return to witness our little attempt to
+illustrate Physical Culture.
+
+MR. FOSSIL. Well, really, Miss Doting, I--ahem!--I do not know
+whether my business will permit me--but--
+
+MISS DOTING. (_with a little scream of dismay_) O Mr. Fossil! you
+surely will not disappoint us, I may say, disappoint me. Your
+presence wanting will cast the gloom of discouragement over us all,
+for we had hoped our champion would surely support us. You know
+(_coyly_) we are only debutantes, and need a great deal of coaxing
+and petting. (_with another little scream_) Oh, no! I don’t mean
+petting. I mean--encouragement. As dear Pet, my niece, says: “Auntie,
+you will never be anything but a child,” and indeed, as Emerson so
+beautifully expresses it:
+
+    “Spring is still spring in the mind
+       When sixty years are told,
+     Love wakes anew this throbbing heart,
+       And we are never old.”
+
+MR. FOSSIL. Very true, very true, Miss Doting.
+
+MISS DOTING. Now, Mr. Fossil, we can depend upon you, I know. I
+should so like you to see Pet, my dear niece. We are like sisters,
+and in this little club of ours she is so in sympathy with me. Fancy
+the dear child discarding all her pretty slippers, and wearing low
+heels; fancy her clothing her dear young form in the garb of a true
+dress reformer. You should see her pretty, graceful movements, free
+as the bird that wings its way over yon ocean; free as the curling
+wave that laps the bleaching sand. Oh, those exquisite movements
+of grace! O Beauty! Beauty! how I adore thee! Yes, Mr. Fossil, you
+should see my dear, heroic little niece.
+
+MR. FOSSIL. I should like to see her, madam. A girl nowadays who is
+willing to elevate this degenerate race by discarding its follies and
+vanities, is a girl after my own heart. Miss Pet must be a niece to
+be proud of, and it speaks well for the teachings of her aunt, that
+she is so tractable and amiable as to follow her suggestions. I wish
+my nephew were as obedient.
+
+MISS DOTING. You have a nephew, Mr. Fossil?
+
+MR. FOSSIL. Yes, madam, my dead sister’s son, to whom I have been a
+father, and who now despises my counsels and derides my opinions.
+
+MISS DOTING. O Mr. Fossil! how can he? One so good, so noble, so
+truly wise in his judgments should be listened to as we listen to
+truth.
+
+MR. FOSSIL. Thank you, thank you, Miss Doting. I think I must try and
+manage to get down to your little exhibition, and I anticipate much
+pleasure in meeting your niece. And now, my dear madam, I must make
+my adieux, for I fear it is train time.
+
+MISS DOTING. Good-bye, Mr. Fossil, or rather, _au revoir_. (_Stands
+gazing after him as he goes off_ R. TOM _and_ MINTRA _appear_ L.
+MINTRA _goes up porch_. TOM _goes off_ R., _lingeringly, turning back
+several times, while_ MINTRA _waves her hand_.)
+
+
+                               CURTAIN
+
+
+
+
+                               ACT III
+
+
+  SCENE I--_Parlor of hotel, furniture removed. The X. Y. Z. Club, in
+     costume, gives its exhibition._
+
+             _If so desired, this scene may be omitted._
+
+_For suggestions, see Shoemaker’s “Advanced Elocution,” “Delsartean
+Pantomimes,” or “Drills and Marches,” published by the Penn
+Publishing Company, Philadelphia._
+
+
+  SCENE II--_Same as above, with furniture. Arch with curtains_ C.
+     _in flat. Entrances_ R. _and_ L. _The company distributed in
+     groups about the stage._ MISS DOTING _and_ MINTRA, _still in
+     costume, and_ MR. FOSSIL, _down_ L.
+
+MISS DOTING. And how were you pleased, Mr. Fossil?
+
+MR. FOSSIL. Charmed, madam, charmed.
+
+MISS DOTING. (_turning to_ MINTRA) Pet, dear, allow me to present Mr.
+Fossil. You have heard me extol his wisdom and good taste. And he has
+heard of you, haven’t you, Mr. Fossil?
+
+MR. FOSSIL. Indeed, yes, Miss Pet, I cannot express to you the great
+pleasure it gives me to meet a young lady so admirably sensible.
+Your aunt tells me you are an enthusiast in the matter of Physical
+Culture. “Strength before beauty” is my motto.
+
+MISS DOTING. O Mr. Fossil! but beauty!
+
+MR. FOSSIL. Pardon me. I should say, “Strength is beauty.” The beauty
+of the vine depending upon the strength of its support, though it
+be nothing but the solid ground; the beauty of the rose taking
+its strength from the parent stalk. Fill nature with weakness and
+disease, and there you have ugliness, repulsive distortion. Ah, my
+dear young lady, I wish all women could realize that it is strength
+of body which makes beauty. You are fond of walking?
+
+MINTRA. Oh, yes! I can walk miles.
+
+MISS DOTING. And return rosy and unwearied.
+
+MINTRA. But you know, auntie, how the English women walk; and look at
+our own country girls. Why, even our little children walk miles to
+school. Of course, if I wore little nippy heels, and went tripping
+along like a Chinese lady, I should soon get tired.
+
+MR. FOSSIL. Most sensibly spoken.
+
+MINTRA. Thank you, Mr. Fossil. I knew you must be an advocate of
+fresh air. Isn’t it delightful to take in great draughts of pure
+oxygen and expand your lungs till you feel so invigorated that you
+long to dwell on a mountain top for the rest of your life? (_Aside_)
+I’ve been rehearsing those speeches for a week.
+
+MR. FOSSIL. Admirable! Excellent! (_Aside_) A remarkably fine girl,
+Miss Doting. (_Aloud_) What charming costumes you are wearing,
+ladies. How much better those old Greeks knew how to dress than we
+do. But the day is dawning! Ah, Miss Pet! I wish that you were my
+niece! (MISS DOTING _looks very coyly conscious_.)
+
+MINTRA. Are you sure, Mr. Fossil?
+
+MR. FOSSIL. Quite sure. If my scapegrace of a nephew would only ask
+me to sanction his choice of such a girl, I tell you I should not be
+long in giving my consent.
+
+MINTRA. Take care, Mr. Fossil; one never knows what may happen.
+Suppose I hold you to your word some day?
+
+MR. FOSSIL. May the day soon come, my dear young lady, is my hearty
+wish. (_Bows, ladies walk away, music is heard and all go out_ C.
+_but_ MINTRA, _who stands listening_.)
+
+                      (_Enter_ TOM BESTMAN, R.)
+
+TOM. O my darling! I wondered where you were. I saw you were not
+in the music room, so I came in here, hoping to find you. (_Takes
+her hand_) Dear, I saw you talking to my uncle, and naturally I am
+anxious to know what he--I mean what you thought of him.
+
+MINTRA. (_innocently_) Why, Tom, he is a dear, lovely old fellow, and
+he paid me no end of compliments. He actually said he wished I were
+his niece.
+
+TOM. He did?
+
+MINTRA. Yes, he did.
+
+TOM. Well, I vow!
+
+MINTRA. (_mocking him_) “Well, I vow,” you’re polite. Is it such a
+very astonishing thing that an old gentleman should make such a wish?
+
+TOM. (_pulling his mustache_) No--but--at least, not all old
+gentlemen, but this old gentleman isn’t like all old gentlemen; in
+fact, he is a very cranky old gentleman, and I didn’t expect--
+
+MINTRA. Didn’t expect! Never mind what you expected (_irritatedly_),
+I do not know that I especially indorse his wish; indeed, as I come
+to think of it, I am quite sure I do not. (_Turns away, pouting._)
+
+TOM. (_bewildered_) Why, my dear girl, what do you mean? Do you
+want me to understand that you do not care for me any more? (MINTRA
+_remains silent_.) My darling, don’t trifle with me. I have been
+terribly upset lately, and if I am stupid or dense you must overlook
+it.
+
+MINTRA. (_turning to him, and putting out both hands_) O Tom, you are
+dense! I thought you would be so happy; I am. Don’t make me say so.
+Cannot you see how easy it all is?
+
+TOM. Why--yes--I suppose so, only when you are dealing with a cranky
+uncle--
+
+MR. FOSSIL. (_entering suddenly_, C.) What’s this I hear? Cranky
+uncle! Cranky uncle, is it? (_Turning to_ MINTRA) Don’t let this
+young man make you believe his tales, Miss Pet.
+
+MINTRA. (_laughingly_) Ah, Mr. Fossil, remember what you said awhile
+ago. You do not know to what tales I may be listening.
+
+MR. FOSSIL. I certainly indorse anything I may have said to you, Miss
+Pet.
+
+MINTRA. Do you? Very well (_aside to_ TOM), present me as your
+_fiancée_. Do hurry, Tom.
+
+TOM. (_looking rather dazed_) Uncle, let me present you to my
+promised wife, Miss Mintra Triptoe.
+
+MR. FOSSIL. (_looking very much surprised_) Your promised wife?
+Miss Mintra Triptoe? Why, I imagined this young lady to be Miss
+Doting--Miss Pet Doting.
+
+MINTRA. No, Mr. Fossil, auntie is Miss Doting. I am her sister’s
+child, and all the family call me Pet.
+
+MR. FOSSIL. Well, I am amazed. Nevertheless, my dear, I am delighted
+as well. You little cajoler. Ha! ha! ha! Pretty well done. Ha! ha! ha!
+
+       (_Enter_ MISS DOTING, C. TOM _and_ MINTRA _go out_, R.)
+
+MR. FOSSIL. Ah, Miss Doting, it seems that there is a possibility of
+our being more nearly related, and that your niece may be my niece,
+and my nephew your nephew.
+
+MISS DOTING. O Mr. Fossil! this is so unexpected. How have I won such
+a prize?
+
+MR. FOSSIL. Prize? I am not sure about there being any great prize
+won, excepting on my side. If all is, as I hope it is, the prize will
+be won by my side of the house.
+
+MISS DOTING. O Mr. Fossil! what an adept you are in the language of
+love!
+
+MR. FOSSIL. I? Not a bit of it. Well, perhaps I may have been rather
+effusive to the lady; but I hope she did not think too much so.
+
+MISS DOTING. Too much so! How can you imagine it? What so delightful
+to a woman’s ears as the graceful appreciation of the man she
+admires--respects--adores--(_puts out both hands._)
+
+MR. FOSSIL. (_taking her hands_) Well, Miss Doting, I had no idea
+that your niece was so impressed by my unworthy self, but she shall
+find me a warm friend. Yes, madam, we are to be congratulated. I will
+do my best for the young couple, and Tom will understand that his old
+uncle hasn’t such poor judgment after all.
+
+MISS DOTING. (_withdrawing her hands_) Your nephew! My niece!
+I--I--do not understand.
+
+MR. FOSSIL. Neither did I, at first; but the sly things told me they
+were engaged. My nephew, Tom Bestman, to your niece, Miss Pet--no, I
+mean Miss Mintra Do--no, I mean Triptoe.
+
+MISS DOTING. O, cruel! cruel! not to have told me at once.
+
+MR. FOSSIL. Not at all! not at all! Now, Miss Doting, pray do not
+take it in that way. Young folks like a little secret. I don’t blame
+them. Come, come, we old folks must give them our blessing and be
+happy with them.
+
+MISS DOTING. (_aside_) Old folks! O, crueller still! Ah well, “What
+does not come to us is not ours.” (_Aloud_) I suppose I must not be
+too harsh, Mr. Fossil; let us find them; but we should remember that
+Emerson says “the passion of which we speak, though it begins with
+the young, does not forsake the old,” and you are scarcely old yet,
+Mr. Fossil. (_Takes his arm and they walk off_, R.)
+
+     (_Enter_ MR. _and_ MRS. ALLJOY, MRS. FRISK _and others_, L.
+                 MR. _and_ MRS. ALLJOY _go down_ L.)
+
+MRS. ALLJOY. Now, Joe, you see my club is perfectly harmless.
+
+MR. ALLJOY. I congratulate you, Laura, I do, indeed. You are a trump.
+By George! but it was a revelation to me. I hadn’t an idea you women
+could be so limber. You looked stunning, too.
+
+MRS. ALLJOY. And you’ll find it doesn’t stop here. I’ll take a
+five-mile walk with you to-morrow, if you say so.
+
+MR. ALLJOY. Good! we’ll do it.
+
+MRS. ALLJOY. And, Joe, you may rustle the paper all you choose, and
+if you go to the club, remember, I’m going too. Somehow I’ve given up
+being an invalid, so you’d better not let me be alone too much, with
+all this newly acquired energy.
+
+MR. ALLJOY. I shall not want to go to the club if you will only be
+good company for me. To tell you the truth, the club is getting to be
+an awful bore, and I am about sick of clubs. That is a fact.
+
+MRS. ALLJOY. Then we’ll begin all over again.
+
+MRS. FRISK. (_coming down_) Isn’t she a lively invalid, Mr. Alljoy?
+You may thank me for it.
+
+MR. ALLJOY. I do, most heartily. She’s her old self, indeed. Ah, here
+comes Tom and Mintra.
+
+  (_Enter_ TOM _and_ MINTRA, L., MR. FOSSIL _and_ MISS DOTING, R. MR.
+     _and_ MRS. ALLJOY _go toward them_. _All meet centre._)
+
+MISS DOTING. O Pet! why didn’t you tell me?
+
+MINTRA. What? About Tom? I was afraid to. (_looking roguishly at_ MR.
+FOSSIL) I was afraid you’d tell Mr. Fossil.
+
+MR. FOSSIL. You little intriguer! Remember, I haven’t given my
+consent.
+
+TOM. But, you do, give it, sir.
+
+MR. ALLJOY. Oh, yes! Mr. Fossil!
+
+MRS. ALLJOY. You do give it, Mr. Fossil?
+
+MR. FOSSIL. I do, indeed.
+
+TOM. Then we must thank--
+
+MINTRA. The Heart suit, for although Clubs were trumps, Hearts have,
+as usual, won at last.
+
+
+
+*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 75848 ***
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+      Hearts and Clubs | Project Gutenberg
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+ </head>
+<body>
+<div style='text-align:center'>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 75848 ***</div>
+
+<div class="chapter">
+<h1>Hearts <i>and</i> Clubs</h1>
+
+<hr class="top">
+<hr class="bottom">
+
+<p class="center">A COMEDY IN THREE ACTS</p>
+
+<hr class="top">
+<hr class="bottom">
+
+<p class="byline"><i>By Amy E. Blanchard</i></p>
+
+<hr class="top">
+<hr class="bottom">
+
+<div class="figcenter">
+ <img src="images/colophon.jpg"
+ alt="colophon">
+</div><!--end figcenter-->
+
+<hr class="top">
+<hr class="bottom">
+
+<p class="p4 center"><span class="small">PHILADELPHIA</span><br>
+THE PENN PUBLISHING COMPANY<br>
+1913
+</p>
+<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop">
+</div><!--end chapter-->
+
+<div class="chapter">
+<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_2">[Pg 2]</span></p>
+<hr class="short">
+<p class="center">
+<span class="smcap">Copyright 1896 by The Penn Publishing Company</span><br>
+</p>
+<hr class="short">
+<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop">
+</div>
+
+<div class="chapter">
+<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_3">[Pg 3]</span></p>
+<p class="center">
+<span class="larger">HEARTS AND CLUBS</span><br>
+<br>
+<br>
+<br>
+<br>
+CAST OF CHARACTERS<br>
+</p>
+</div>
+
+
+<table>
+<tr><td class="tdl"><span class="smcap">Mr. Fossil</span></td>
+    <td class="tdr vlb"><i>An elderly gentleman, with a hobby</i></td></tr>
+<tr><td class="tdl"><span class="smcap">Tom Bestman</span></td>
+    <td class="tdr vlb"><i>A nephew of Mr. Fossil</i></td></tr>
+<tr><td class="tdl"><span class="smcap">Mr. Alljoy</span>                       </td>
+    <td class="tdr vlb"><i>A gentleman fond of his club</i></td></tr>
+<tr><td class="tdl"><span class="smcap">Miss Doting</span></td>
+    <td class="tdr vlb"><i>A spinster who adores Beauty and Emerson</i></td></tr>
+<tr><td class="tdl"><span class="smcap">Mintra Triptoe</span></td>
+    <td class="tdr vlb"><i>Miss Doting’s niece</i></td></tr>
+<tr><td class="tdl"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Alljoy</span></td>
+    <td class="tdr vlb"><i>A would-be invalid</i></td></tr>
+<tr><td class="tdl"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Frisk</span></td>
+    <td class="tdr vlb"><i>A stout lady, an advocate of physical culture</i></td></tr>
+<tr><td class="tdl"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Bodkin</span></td>
+    <td class="tdr vlb"><i>A thin lady, an advocate of physical culture</i></td></tr>
+<tr><td class="tdl"><span class="smcap">Miss Stein</span></td>
+    <td class="tdr vlb"><i>A teacher of physical culture</i></td></tr>
+</table>
+
+<p class="center">
+<span class="smcap">Mrs. Pallide and Other Ladies of the X. Y. Z. Club</span><br>
+<br>
+<br>
+COSTUMES—MODERN.<br>
+</p>
+
+<p class="p2">In Act <abbr title="One">I</abbr>, Scene <abbr title="Two">II</abbr>, ladies should wear free, easily fitting
+dresses or gymnasium suits. Miss Doting’s dress is always
+gay and coquettish.</p>
+
+
+<p class="p2 center">
+<span class="smcap">Time in Representation—One Hour and</span><br>
+<span class="smcap">Fifteen Minutes.</span><br>
+</p>
+<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop">
+
+<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_4">[Pg 4]</span></p>
+
+<div class="chapter">
+<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_5">[Pg 5]</span></p>
+<p class="center muchlarger">HEARTS AND CLUBS</p>
+
+<hr class="short">
+
+<h3>ACT <abbr title="One">I</abbr></h3>
+</div>
+
+<p class="hanging">SCENE <abbr title="One">I</abbr>—<i>A seaside hotel.</i> <span class="smcap">Mrs. Alljoy’s</span> <i>sitting-room,
+prettily furnished. Table and chairs</i> <abbr title="Right"><span class="allsmcap">R.</span></abbr> <i>Sofa</i> <abbr title="Left"><span class="allsmcap">L.</span></abbr> <i>Doors</i>
+<abbr title="Right"><span class="allsmcap">R.</span></abbr> <i>and</i> <abbr title="Left"><span class="allsmcap">L.</span></abbr> <i>At rise of curtain</i> <span class="smcap">Mr. Alljoy</span> <i>is discovered
+seated</i> <abbr title="Right"><span class="allsmcap">R.</span></abbr> <i>of table reading a newspaper</i>. <span class="smcap">Mrs. Alljoy</span> <i>is
+lying upon sofa</i>.</p>
+
+<p class="p2"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Alljoy.</span> (<i>sighing</i>) O dear!</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Alljoy.</span> (<i>looking over top of paper</i>) What is the
+matter now, Lolly?</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Alljoy.</span> The same old thing, this pain in my side,
+and there is a strange feeling in the back of my head. I
+wonder what it is!</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Alljoy.</span> Oh, you want something to distract you.
+Come, jump up, and let us go down-stairs and hear the
+music. You might as well be at home as moping up in this
+room. Come, it will do you good.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Alljoy.</span> O Joey! I couldn’t possibly dress and
+go down to-night. Just suppose I should faint!</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Alljoy.</span> Well, suppose you do; you are not likely
+to, you know. You would soon get over it, and you
+wouldn’t be a mile from your own room.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Alljoy.</span> You are so heartless. I think it is cruel
+of you to talk that way. Even if I didn’t faint, those parlors
+are so draughty, and the music always makes my head
+ache.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Alljoy.</span> Very well, we needn’t go. (<i>Silence, excepting
+the rustling of the paper.</i>)</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Alljoy.</span> Joe, can’t you read without making such
+a noise with the paper? It does distract me so. My poor
+nerves cannot stand much.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Alljoy.</span> I cannot very well spend my evening
+spelling out the advertisements on one side of the paper.
+(<i>Sarcastically</i>) Perhaps I may be able to find a newspaper
+of a single sheet <span class="lock">only—one</span> of those patent-inside <span class="lock">arrangements—if</span>
+so, I certainly shall take it. (<i>Getting up</i>) Since I
+am so unpleasantly distracting, I had better leave you in
+<span class="pagenum" id="Page_6">[Pg 6]</span>
+peace. They don’t mind speaking above a whisper at the
+club. (<i>Throws down paper and takes up his hat</i>) Good-night;
+don’t sit up for me. (<i>Goes out</i>, <abbr title="Right"><span class="allsmcap">R.</span></abbr>)</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Alljoy.</span> (<i>burying her head in the pillow and sobbing</i>)
+There he goes again to that hateful old club, leaving poor
+forlorn me all alone. Oh, these heartless men! (<i>A knock
+at the door</i>, <abbr title="Right"><span class="allsmcap">R.</span></abbr>)</p>
+
+<p class="center">
+(<i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Mrs. Frisk</span>.)<br>
+</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Frisk.</span> Why, Lolly, what is the matter?</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Alljoy.</span> (<i>sitting up and wiping her eyes</i>) O Anna!
+I am so glad you came in! It is the same old story, of
+course. Joe has gone over to the club, leaving me alone
+with nothing to do; I cannot do fancy work, it makes my
+back ache; I cannot read, for it makes my head ache, and
+so here I am deprived of everything, even my husband’s
+society. I am a perfect martyr.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Frisk.</span> (<i>laughing</i>) Laura, you do make me laugh,
+you are so bent upon being miserable. Now, don’t put on
+that injured look. I have something to tell you.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Alljoy.</span> (<i>brightening up</i>) Have you? What is it?
+I am dying to hear.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Frisk.</span> First, look at me. Do you see this new
+gown?</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Alljoy.</span> Yes. How well you look in it.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Frisk.</span> (<i>triumphantly</i>) That is just it. I am one inch
+longer in the waist than I was two months ago, and it is all
+due to physical culture.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Alljoy.</span> Physical culture?</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Frisk.</span> Yes. You have no idea what it does for
+one, and it would be just the thing for you.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Alljoy.</span> Oh, no! I never could swing those
+dreadful Indian clubs and jump over a rope four or five
+feet high or squirm in and out of little square places like a
+snake. As for a trapeze, I have a perfect horror of one.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Frisk.</span> Nonsense! That isn’t what you have to
+do. Why, it is as simple as can be, to begin with, and has
+cured more headaches and backaches than I could begin to
+tell you of. See, I will show you a few of the first exercises.
+(<i>Rises, and goes through a few movements rather awkwardly</i>)
+There, now, that isn’t so dreadfully hard, is it? Come,
+Laura, say you will join our club.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Alljoy.</span> Club! Did you say you had a club?</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Frisk.</span> Yes; one must do something in Lent, and
+it is awfully stupid down here, so we have organized a club,
+<span class="pagenum" id="Page_7">[Pg 7]</span>
+the X. Y. Z. The culmination of knowledge, you see, as
+opposed to A. B. C. The X. Y. Z. Club, composed of about
+a dozen ladies who are seeking different ends through the
+same means; I, for instance, am bent upon decreasing my
+size; even “add a cubit to my stature,” and it would not
+come amiss if I were able to stretch up to it and out of my
+avoirdupois. Mrs. Bodkin, on the contrary, pines for flesh,
+for breadth of chest, and mightiness of muscle. Miss Doting,
+the dear soul, thinks the movements “such lines of
+beauty,” and her prophetic eye sees herself, though spare
+of flesh, an undulating, willowy figure, gliding before some
+hero’s vision and into his heart; while dear Mintra, her
+niece, who has come down here with her, does it all “just
+for the fun of the thing.”</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Alljoy.</span> Well, I really believe I will join you, since
+Mr. Joe is so absorbed in his club, and I will show him that
+I can have a club, too. Yes, I really will join you.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Frisk.</span> (<i>delightedly</i>) That is right. We meet to-morrow
+in Mrs. Bodkin’s rooms at three o’clock. Now I
+must go. Good-night. Don’t get up.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Alljoy.</span> Oh! I feel better already. I will go to the
+door with you. (<i>They go toward door</i>, <abbr title="Left"><span class="allsmcap">L.</span></abbr>)</p>
+
+
+<p class="p2 center small">
+CURTAIN<br>
+</p>
+
+
+<p class="p2 hanging">SCENE <abbr title="Two">II</abbr>—<span class="smcap">Mrs. Bodkin’s</span> <i>drawing-room, handsomely
+furnished. Large table with lamp down</i> <abbr title="Right"><span class="allsmcap">R.</span></abbr> <i>Doors</i> <abbr title="Right"><span class="allsmcap">R.</span></abbr> <i>and</i> <abbr title="Left"><span class="allsmcap">L.</span></abbr>
+<i>and</i> <abbr title="Center"><span class="allsmcap">C.</span></abbr> <i>in flat. Ladies are all present and are preparing
+for a meeting of the Club</i>. <span class="smcap">Mrs. Frisk</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Mrs. Alljoy</span>
+<i>down</i> <abbr title="Center"><span class="allsmcap">C.</span></abbr></p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Frisk.</span> Now, Lolly dear, you see us as we are, absolutely
+afraid of our teacher, each other, and our own
+selves. Mrs. Bodkin, (<i>addressing</i> <span class="smcap">Mrs. <abbr title="Bodkin">B.</abbr></span>, <i>who stands
+near</i>) do you know I have lost a whole pound, and I am
+at least an inch longer in the waist.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Bodkin.</span> Really? Well, I have found your pound,
+and am triumphantly wearing it; and, as for your inch, I
+have added that to my chest measure.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Alljoy.</span> You have? What is that Mrs. Pallide is
+saying, “Ma za?” Is she seeking a rhyme?</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Frisk.</span> (<i>laughing</i>) No, that is for exercising the
+muscles of the mouth, and so is the sentence she is practicing
+now, “Most men want poise and more royal margin.”</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Alljoy.</span> Do you suppose we really need to exercise
+<span class="pagenum" id="Page_8">[Pg 8]</span>
+the muscles of our mouths? I fancy our husbands
+will hardly think so.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Frisk.</span> Rank treason, my dear! Do they not
+need to exercise their biceps?</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Alljoy.</span> Do look at Miss Doting. Is she invoking
+Juno?</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Frisk.</span> No, she would never invoke any one but
+Venus, my dear.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Miss Doting.</span> (<i>who has been going through some of the
+arm movements most extravagantly, shakes her finger at the
+three ladies as she approaches</i>) Ah, my dears, I see you
+laughing at me, but as that dear Emerson says in his ode
+to “Beauty,” “Unmake me quite, or give thyself to me.”
+And, oh! (<i>clasping her hands in a soulful way</i>) I do so long
+for “Beauty;” not the tender tints of spring, not the rose
+flush of June, but the beauty of autumn. Oh, surely,
+surely I may consider that I am not too late in seeking that
+aftermath.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Alljoy.</span> Oh, surely, surely not too late, Miss
+Doting.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Frisk.</span> You look so well to-day.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Bodkin.</span> That is a most becoming costume.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Miss Doting.</span> Oh! do you think so? Pet laughed at
+me, and though she is too dear a child to say so, I know
+she thinks me too old to wear pink; but, as I said to her,
+“Beauty is its own excuse for being,” and the rosy streaks
+of sunset are as beautifully tender as the auroral glow of
+morn. And why may I not be clad like the sunset?</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Frisk.</span> Why, of course you may. (<i>Aside</i>) There is
+no one to say you may not; but can you, and not look like
+a guy, that is the question. (<i>Aloud</i>) Speaking of Pet, is
+Mintra not here? Ah, there she is.</p>
+
+<p class="hanging">(<span class="smcap">Mintra</span> <i>enters and</i> <span class="smcap">Mrs. Alljoy</span> <i>meets her, goes front;
+other ladies go through different gestures very awkwardly,
+laughing and talking with one another</i>.)</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Alljoy.</span> Mintra, dear, I want so much to see you
+for a moment. I must enlighten you in a matter upon
+which I happen to be informed, and you do not. Old Mr.
+Fossil is here.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mintra.</span> (<i>starting</i>) Is he?</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Alljoy.</span> Yes, and Tom Bestman told my <span class="lock">husband—you</span>
+know what old friends they are, and you will forgive
+it, I <span class="lock">know—he</span> told my husband that his uncle was furious
+with him. Your aunt does not know of your engagement,
+does she?
+<span class="pagenum" id="Page_9">[Pg 9]</span></p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mintra.</span> No, indeed; I have told her nothing about it.
+She has only seen Tom twice, and doesn’t know he has an
+uncle. You know mamma could not have told her, for she
+did not stop in Philadelphia at all.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Alljoy.</span> Well, Tom’s uncle vows he shall never
+marry any one but a strong-minded daughter of the soil;
+at <span class="lock">least—not</span> exactly <span class="lock">that—but</span> he advocates only sensible
+women, as he calls them, and objects in the most strenuous
+manner to high heels, small waists, and society foibles and
+follies.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mintra.</span> Well!</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Alljoy.</span> Not at all well. You dear, silly little
+goose (<i>putting her arm affectionately around her</i>), do you
+know what that means? Why, it means that your dear
+Tom is thrown off to shift for himself, and instead of having
+a very comfortable berth he will have nothing at all; and
+though he is by no means a fool, yet it will be years before
+he is in a position to marry, if he doesn’t marry to please his
+uncle, and his uncle has conceived a frantic dislike to you.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mintra.</span> Me?</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Alljoy.</span> Yes, “me” (<i>mimicking her</i>), and “me”
+must go to work and disabuse the old gentleman of his
+ridiculous ideas.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mintra.</span> But how?</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Alljoy.</span> My dear goosie, you see the means before
+you. Physical culture, of course. Send to the city for
+low-heeled shoes; increase your waist measure at least four
+inches; be an enthusiastic walker; stand up straight; give
+him the idea that your one aim in life is to be sensible,
+that your ideal of perfection is a healthy peasant, <span class="lock">and—well,</span>
+that is all.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mintra.</span> (<i>enthusiastically</i>) I’ll do it.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Miss Doting.</span> (<i>approaching</i>) Ah, Pet, dear! you see I
+was right to wear my pink gown. I have received many
+compliments, I assure you. “I builded better than I
+knew,” as dear Emerson says. I want to tell you something,
+I met such a charming man just before I came upstairs.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mintra.</span> (<i>indifferently</i>) Who was it, auntie? You meet
+so many “charming men.”</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Miss Doting.</span> (<i>coquettishly</i>) Now, Pet, how can I help it
+if they make themselves charming to me? Surely I do
+nothing to attract them, and you know how terribly soon
+my ideals vanish. But this time!—O Pet! (<i>theatrically</i>),
+“When half gods go, the gods arrive!” and Mr. Fossil is
+Jove-like in his dignity.
+<span class="pagenum" id="Page_10">[Pg 10]</span></p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mintra.</span> (<i>excitedly</i>) Mr. Fossil?</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Miss Doting.</span> Yes, Mr. Fossil; and O Pet! he is so interested
+in our club, and he asked <span class="lock">me—well</span> (<i>coyly</i>), perhaps
+he should not have done so upon so short an
+acquaintance; but when I told him that we proposed
+giving an exhibition of our talent to the guests of the
+house, at a later date, he asked me (<i>giggles</i>), he asked me
+if he might come, and I said yes.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mintra.</span> (<i>laughing</i>) Well, auntie, I don’t think that was
+so terribly forward. I shall not object, for one.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Bodkin.</span> O Mrs. Frisk! do you know your lesson?
+(<i>Proceeds with a stanza of</i> “Young Lochinvar,” <i>hesitates
+and breaks down</i>.) There! I knew I could not do it.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Frisk.</span> Oh! never mind. You will be all right. At
+any rate, there are plenty to keep you company. I wonder
+where Miss Stein is.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Pallide.</span> She will be a little late, I think, for I saw
+her talking to Mr. Fossil, and you know his hobby. Do
+you know I cannot remember that neck movement to save
+my life.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Several.</span> Oh! can’t you? Why, this is it. (<i>All proceed
+to show her, differently.</i>)</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Pallide.</span> I don’t see that I am any wiser than I
+was before. However, I will ask Miss Stein to show me.
+Do, somebody see if I say this correctly. (<i>Begins another
+stanza of</i> “Lochinvar,” <i>but stops to giggle</i>) Now, Mrs. Frisk,
+if you look at me in that way I cannot say it. I’ll tell Miss
+Stein of you. There she is now. (<i>All rush up to</i> <span class="smcap">Miss
+Stein</span>, <i>who enters the room</i>, <abbr title="Center"><span class="allsmcap">C.</span></abbr>)</p>
+
+
+<p class="p2 center allsmcap">
+CURTAIN<br>
+</p>
+<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop">
+
+
+<div class="chapter">
+<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_11">[Pg 11]</span></p>
+<h3>
+ACT <abbr title="Two">II</abbr><br>
+</h3>
+</div>
+
+
+<p class="hanging">SCENE—<i>Porch of hotel. Gravel walk across stage in front
+of porch. Exits</i> <abbr title="Right"><span class="allsmcap">R.</span></abbr> <i>and</i> <abbr title="Left"><span class="allsmcap">L.</span></abbr> <i>Main entrance to hotel</i> <abbr title="Center"><span class="allsmcap">C.</span></abbr> <i>in
+flat. Full-length windows</i>, <abbr title="Right"><span class="allsmcap">R.</span></abbr> <i>and</i> <abbr title="Left"><span class="allsmcap">L.</span></abbr> <i>Wicker chairs scattered
+about porch.</i> <span class="smcap">Mr. Fossil</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Mr. Bestman</span> <i>discovered
+seated down</i> <abbr title="Left"><span class="allsmcap">L.</span></abbr></p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Fossil.</span> (<i>rising</i>) Yes, sir, I say that the young men
+of the present day are idiots. Yes, sir, brainless idiots. Do
+you suppose for one instant, sir, that I intend my money to
+go toward supporting a race of wasp-waisted, deformed,
+hollow-chested women? (<i>Walking about porch excitedly</i>)
+Not for my right hand. I would rather see you married to
+a German peasant with thick ankles and a thick head than
+to a simpering silly society girl tottering along on her high-heeled,
+pointed-toed shoes. (<i>Stopping before</i> <span class="smcap">Tom</span>) Look at
+that. (<i>Takes a slipper from his pocket</i>) That is the kind of
+shoe I mean. Now, can you deny that this is the same
+style of footgear that your charming, lovely Mintra wears?
+(<i>Takes out a photograph</i>) I found this stuck in your mirror.
+Look at that waist. No wonder she stands with her back
+to you. I should think she would be ashamed to show her
+face. How does she breathe? Where are her lungs?
+Where is her heart? No, sir, it is time this <span class="lock">folly—no,</span> it is
+worse than <span class="lock">folly—this</span> crime, I call <span class="lock">it—should</span> be stopped,
+and I, for one, give no consent toward the encouragement
+of monstrosities. Now, you have my answer. You can
+marry your high-heeled, wasp-waisted, narrow-chested deformed
+ninny if you want to; but if you do, you leave my
+office at once, and every cent of my money shall go toward
+the founding of gymnasiums for women.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Tom.</span> But, uncle, you do not expect me to give up the
+girl I love simply because she does not measure a yard
+around her waist. What in the world has that to do with
+her moral character or her lovely, amiable qualities?</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Fossil.</span> It has everything to do with them. A girl
+that distorts the body the Lord gave her hasn’t proper
+moral perception, and as for her charming qualities, I suppose
+you can live on them.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Tom.</span> But, uncle, it is ridiculous to take a dislike to a
+girl you have never seen. Let me present you, <span class="lock">and—</span></p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Fossil.</span> No, and I do not wish to see her. I hope
+<span class="pagenum" id="Page_12">[Pg 12]</span>
+I never shall. I know enough of the species already. I
+shall go back to the city to-night, and I expect you to go
+with me.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Tom.</span> Now, sir, that is a little too much. She is just like
+all girls. I mean she isn’t like all girls, but she has had no
+opportunity for doing differently because she has had no
+example before her, and you surely do not expect me <span class="lock">to—</span></p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Fossil.</span> I expect nothing, and if her nonsensical
+style suits you my ideas do not, so there is an end of it.
+(<i>Exit</i> <abbr title="Center"><span class="allsmcap">C.</span></abbr>)</p>
+
+<p>(<i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Mintra</span>, <abbr title="Right"><span class="allsmcap">R.</span></abbr>) Tom, is that you?</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Tom.</span> (<i>rising</i>) Yes; what is left of me.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mintra.</span> Why, what is the matter?</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Tom.</span> Oh, nothing but what I shall have to stand. Uncle
+expects me to go back to the city with him to-night.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mintra.</span> Well, never mind. You can come back again.
+Now, Tom, don’t look so glum. You know I want you to
+stay, but old people are apt to be a bit cranky, and it is best
+to humor them sometimes, then they get over their little
+tempers sooner. You should see how I have to manage
+Auntie. Was he so very angry when <span class="lock">you—when</span> you told
+him about me? (<i>shyly.</i>)</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Tom.</span> (<i>savagely</i>) Yes. Confound his impudence!</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mintra.</span> Now, Tom, don’t be so savage. You know
+“the course of true love,” and if it is only this I don’t mind.
+As long as you are my own dear boy, the whole world may
+turn against me. We’ll have him on our side yet, you see
+if we do not.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Tom.</span> You dear little girl (<i>puts his arm around her</i>), if
+he could but see you once, he couldn’t help being on your
+side.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mintra.</span> Tom, have I such a very small waist?</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Tom.</span> Yes, you are quite like a wasp.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mintra.</span> Oh, you mean thing. I am not like one of
+those horrid, shiny, blue wasps.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Tom.</span> No, I didn’t mean a wasp. I meant a dear little
+busy bee.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mintra.</span> The reason I asked <span class="lock">is—but,</span> please promise
+not to tell any one.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Tom.</span> All right, I promise.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mintra.</span> You know there is a club organized here, just
+to fill up this stupid season, and you know how dull it is for
+me when you are not here, for I cannot write to you every
+hour in the day. Well, at first I wasn’t a bit interested, but
+I really am now. You see I had never thought of narrow
+chests, or little bits of waists being so very injurious. I
+<span class="pagenum" id="Page_13">[Pg 13]</span>
+thought it was just a fad of old people, like Auntie; but
+when I heard Miss Stein <span class="lock">talk—you</span> know she has come
+down to give us <span class="lock">lessons—I</span> was converted at once, it all
+seemed so sensible. And so I have joined the club for
+Physical Culture, <span class="lock">and—</span></p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Tom.</span> (<i>rapturously</i>) You have!</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mintra.</span> Yes. Are you glad? Do you approve?</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Tom.</span> Approve! I should think so.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mintra.</span> I am so glad. Well, now you see, I practice
+often, oh! real often, and Tom, although you don’t seem to
+think so, I am ever and ever so many inches larger in the
+waist. And now the funny thing I was going to tell you is
+this: I sent to the city for some low-heeled shoes, for I
+have discarded all my high heels; but last night as I was
+going to close my shutters, one of them stuck. I couldn’t
+quite reach the catch, so I took up one of my high-heeled
+<span class="lock">slippers—for</span> the heel makes an excellent <span class="lock">hammer—and</span> as
+the catch sprang suddenly, it knocked the slipper out of my
+hand and it went flying out of the window. Of course, it
+was dark, but I told one of the hall boys to try and find it,
+and this morning he said he had hunted everywhere, but it
+was not to be seen. Now, who in the world do you suppose
+could have picked it up?</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Tom.</span> Ha! ha! ha! That is funny! Forgive me, my
+darling, but it is so funny, I can’t help laughing. I think
+I could tell where it is.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mintra.</span> O Tom! did you find it?</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Tom.</span> Never mind who found it. I have seen it, and that
+is all I shall tell you. It is perfectly safe.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mintra.</span> Well! I think you are very mean. Do,
+please, throw it away where no one can find it. Do, like a
+good boy. Now I must go. You must not worry, dear.</p>
+
+<p class="center">
+(<i>Exit, both</i>, <abbr title="Left"><span class="allsmcap">L.</span></abbr>)<br>
+<br>
+(<i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Mrs. Alljoy</span>, <abbr title="Center"><span class="allsmcap">C.</span></abbr>)<br>
+</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Alljoy.</span> I am so glad no one is here. Now I can
+practice a little without being heard. (<i>Begins</i>) Ma-za-sca-ah.
+(<i>Goes through some gestures.</i>)</p>
+
+<p class="center">
+(<i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Mr. Alljoy</span>, <abbr title="Right"><span class="allsmcap">R.</span></abbr>)<br>
+</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Alljoy.</span> Why, Laura, what are you doing?</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Alljoy.</span> (<i>looking at him steadfastly and seriously</i>)
+Most men want poise, and more royal margin.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Alljoy.</span> So they do; so they do. (<i>Aside</i>) Good
+<span class="pagenum" id="Page_14">[Pg 14]</span>
+gracious, now did she hear of that little speculation? I
+might as well own up. (<i>Aloud</i>) I know, my dear, I should
+have had more poise; but you know I don’t often lose my
+head, and a man certainly does need a royal margin when
+he is dabbling in stocks.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Alljoy.</span> Joseph Alljoy, are you crazy?</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Alljoy.</span> No. Are you?</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Alljoy.</span> Not at all. My mind is perfectly clear.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Alljoy.</span> I, Joseph Alljoy, being of sound <span class="lock">mind—</span></p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Alljoy.</span> Joseph, you certainly are insane. I presume
+you have left at the club the small amount of brains
+you once possessed. Now at my <span class="lock">club—</span></p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Alljoy.</span> Ye powers above! She has a club! Clubs
+are trumps, and we seem to hold a full hand. How fortunate
+that you are my partner! I thought you always
+called for diamonds though?</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Alljoy.</span> Well, I don’t get them if I <span class="lock">do—not</span> when
+you deal.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Alljoy.</span> Now, Lolly, don’t let’s quarrel. We have
+done so much of it lately, and you have seemed so like
+your old self, for the past few days, that I <span class="lock">hoped—indeed,</span>
+I did hope that our old happy days might come back.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Alljoy.</span> But you didn’t go to the club, then.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Alljoy.</span> Neither did you. No, hearts were trumps,
+and they are best after all. Clubs! They are a man’s
+refuge</p>
+
+<div class="poetry-container">
+<div class="poetry">
+  <div class="stanza">
+    <div class="verse indent0a">“From ev’ry stormy wind that blows,</div>
+    <div class="verse indent0">From ev’ry swelling tide of woes;”</div>
+  </div>
+</div>
+</div>
+
+<p>but a woman and a club are about as incongruous as a
+woman and a base-ball bat. You didn’t need clubs before
+we were married.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Alljoy.</span> Neither did you.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Alljoy.</span> No; for you were very entertaining then,
+and did not need to be coaxed to go walking or driving.
+You cannot go anywhere with me now; but you are well
+enough to go to clubs.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Alljoy.</span> You will be sorry you spoke to me in this
+way. I meant to tell you all about it, but I shall not now.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Alljoy.</span> Now, Laura, do.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Alljoy.</span> Aha! Curiosity is it?</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Alljoy.</span> Oh! no! But it is your duty to tell me.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Alljoy.</span> (<i>scornfully</i>) Duty!</p>
+
+<p class="hanging">(<i>They walk off</i>, <abbr title="Left"><span class="allsmcap">L.</span></abbr>, <i>talking and gesticulating in an animated
+manner, as enter</i> <span class="smcap">Miss Doting</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Mr. Fossil</span>, <abbr title="Center"><span class="allsmcap">C.</span></abbr>)
+<span class="pagenum" id="Page_15">[Pg 15]</span></p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Miss Doting.</span> O Mr. Fossil! it is cruel of you to leave
+us so soon, but you naughty men are so uncertain; however,
+we must try and be contented, for Emerson says “Discontent
+is the want of self-reliance; it is the infirmity of will.”
+Now you must promise me again before you go that you
+will surely return to witness our little attempt to illustrate
+Physical Culture.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Fossil.</span> Well, really, Miss Doting, <span class="lock">I—ahem!—I</span> do
+not know whether my business will permit <span class="lock">me—but—</span></p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Miss Doting.</span> (<i>with a little scream of dismay</i>) O Mr.
+Fossil! you surely will not disappoint us, I may say, disappoint
+me. Your presence wanting will cast the gloom of
+discouragement over us all, for we had hoped our champion
+would surely support us. You know (<i>coyly</i>) we are only
+debutantes, and need a great deal of coaxing and petting.
+(<i>with another little scream</i>) Oh, no! I don’t mean petting.
+I <span class="lock">mean—encouragement.</span> As dear Pet, my niece, says:
+“Auntie, you will never be anything but a child,” and
+indeed, as Emerson so beautifully expresses it:</p>
+
+<div class="poetry-container">
+<div class="poetry">
+  <div class="stanza">
+    <div class="verse indent0a">“Spring is still spring in the mind</div>
+    <div class="verse indent2">When sixty years are told,</div>
+    <div class="verse indent0">Love wakes anew this throbbing heart,</div>
+    <div class="verse indent2">And we are never old.”</div>
+  </div>
+</div>
+</div>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Fossil.</span> Very true, very true, Miss Doting.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Miss Doting.</span> Now, Mr. Fossil, we can depend upon
+you, I know. I should so like you to see Pet, my dear niece.
+We are like sisters, and in this little club of ours she is so
+in sympathy with me. Fancy the dear child discarding all
+her pretty slippers, and wearing low heels; fancy her clothing
+her dear young form in the garb of a true dress reformer.
+You should see her pretty, graceful movements,
+free as the bird that wings its way over yon ocean; free as
+the curling wave that laps the bleaching sand. Oh, those
+exquisite movements of grace! O Beauty! Beauty! how
+I adore thee! Yes, Mr. Fossil, you should see my dear,
+heroic little niece.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Fossil.</span> I should like to see her, madam. A girl
+nowadays who is willing to elevate this degenerate race
+by discarding its follies and vanities, is a girl after my own
+heart. Miss Pet must be a niece to be proud of, and it
+speaks well for the teachings of her aunt, that she is so
+tractable and amiable as to follow her suggestions. I wish
+my nephew were as obedient.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Miss Doting.</span> You have a nephew, Mr. Fossil?
+<span class="pagenum" id="Page_16">[Pg 16]</span></p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Fossil.</span> Yes, madam, my dead sister’s son, to whom
+I have been a father, and who now despises my counsels
+and derides my opinions.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Miss Doting.</span> O Mr. Fossil! how can he? One so
+good, so noble, so truly wise in his judgments should be
+listened to as we listen to truth.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Fossil.</span> Thank you, thank you, Miss Doting. I
+think I must try and manage to get down to your little exhibition,
+and I anticipate much pleasure in meeting your
+niece. And now, my dear madam, I must make my adieux,
+for I fear it is train time.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Miss Doting.</span> Good-bye, Mr. Fossil, or rather, <i lang="fr">au revoir</i>.
+(<i>Stands gazing after him as he goes off</i> <abbr title="Right"><span class="allsmcap">R.</span></abbr> <span class="smcap">Tom</span> <i>and</i>
+<span class="smcap">Mintra</span> <i>appear</i> <abbr title="Left"><span class="allsmcap">L.</span></abbr> <span class="smcap">Mintra</span> <i>goes up porch</i>. <span class="smcap">Tom</span> <i>goes off</i>
+    <abbr title="Right"><span class="allsmcap">R.</span></abbr>,
+<i>lingeringly, turning back several times, while</i> <span class="smcap">Mintra</span> <i>waves
+her hand</i>.)</p>
+
+
+<p class="center">
+CURTAIN<br>
+</p>
+<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_17">[Pg 17]</span></p>
+<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop">
+
+
+<div class="chapter">
+<h3>
+ACT <abbr title="Three">III</abbr><br>
+</h3>
+</div>
+
+
+<p class="hanging">SCENE <abbr title="One">I</abbr>—<i>Parlor of hotel, furniture removed. The X. Y. Z.
+Club, in costume, gives its exhibition.</i></p>
+
+<p class="center">
+<i>If so desired, this scene may be omitted.</i><br>
+</p>
+
+<p><i>For suggestions, see Shoemaker’s “Advanced Elocution,”
+“Delsartean Pantomimes,” or “Drills and Marches,” published
+by the Penn Publishing Company, Philadelphia.</i></p>
+
+
+<p class="p2 hanging">SCENE <abbr title="Two">II</abbr>—<i>Same as above, with furniture. Arch with curtains</i>
+<abbr title="Center"><span class="allsmcap">C.</span></abbr> <i>in flat. Entrances</i> <abbr title="Right"><span class="allsmcap">R.</span></abbr> <i>and</i> <abbr title="Left"><span class="allsmcap">L.</span></abbr> <i>The company distributed
+in groups about the stage.</i> <span class="smcap">Miss Doting</span> <i>and</i>
+<span class="smcap">Mintra</span>, <i>still in costume, and</i> <span class="smcap">Mr. Fossil</span>, <i>down</i> <abbr title="Left"><span class="allsmcap">L.</span></abbr></p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Miss Doting.</span> And how were you pleased, Mr. Fossil?</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Fossil.</span> Charmed, madam, charmed.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Miss Doting.</span> (<i>turning to</i> <span class="smcap">Mintra</span>) Pet, dear, allow me to
+present Mr. Fossil. You have heard me extol his wisdom
+and good taste. And he has heard of you, haven’t you,
+Mr. Fossil?</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Fossil.</span> Indeed, yes, Miss Pet, I cannot express to
+you the great pleasure it gives me to meet a young lady so
+admirably sensible. Your aunt tells me you are an enthusiast
+in the matter of Physical Culture. “Strength before
+beauty” is my motto.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Miss Doting.</span> O Mr. Fossil! but beauty!</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Fossil.</span> Pardon me. I should say, “Strength is
+beauty.” The beauty of the vine depending upon the
+strength of its support, though it be nothing but the solid
+ground; the beauty of the rose taking its strength from the
+parent stalk. Fill nature with weakness and disease, and
+there you have ugliness, repulsive distortion. Ah, my dear
+young lady, I wish all women could realize that it is
+strength of body which makes beauty. You are fond of
+walking?</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mintra.</span> Oh, yes! I can walk miles.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Miss Doting.</span> And return rosy and unwearied.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mintra.</span> But you know, auntie, how the English women
+walk; and look at our own country girls. Why, even our
+little children walk miles to school. Of course, if I wore
+little nippy heels, and went tripping along like a Chinese
+lady, I should soon get tired.
+<span class="pagenum" id="Page_18">[Pg 18]</span></p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Fossil.</span> Most sensibly spoken.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mintra.</span> Thank you, Mr. Fossil. I knew you must be
+an advocate of fresh air. Isn’t it delightful to take in great
+draughts of pure oxygen and expand your lungs till you
+feel so invigorated that you long to dwell on a mountain
+top for the rest of your life? (<i>Aside</i>) I’ve been rehearsing
+those speeches for a week.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Fossil.</span> Admirable! Excellent! (<i>Aside</i>) A remarkably
+fine girl, Miss Doting. (<i>Aloud</i>) What charming costumes
+you are wearing, ladies. How much better those old
+Greeks knew how to dress than we do. But the day is
+dawning! Ah, Miss Pet! I wish that you were my niece!
+(<span class="smcap">Miss Doting</span> <i>looks very coyly conscious</i>.)</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mintra.</span> Are you sure, Mr. Fossil?</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Fossil.</span> Quite sure. If my scapegrace of a nephew
+would only ask me to sanction his choice of such a girl, I
+tell you I should not be long in giving my consent.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mintra.</span> Take care, Mr. Fossil; one never knows what
+may happen. Suppose I hold you to your word some
+day?</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Fossil.</span> May the day soon come, my dear young
+lady, is my hearty wish. (<i>Bows, ladies walk away, music is
+heard and all go out</i> <abbr title="Center"><span class="allsmcap">C.</span></abbr> <i>but</i> <span class="smcap">Mintra</span>, <i>who stands listening</i>.)</p>
+
+<p class="center">
+(<i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Tom Bestman</span>, <abbr title="Right"><span class="allsmcap">R.</span></abbr>)<br>
+</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Tom.</span> O my darling! I wondered where you were. I
+saw you were not in the music room, so I came in here,
+hoping to find you. (<i>Takes her hand</i>) Dear, I saw you
+talking to my uncle, and naturally I am anxious to know
+what <span class="lock">he—I</span> mean what you thought of him.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mintra.</span> (<i>innocently</i>) Why, Tom, he is a dear, lovely old
+fellow, and he paid me no end of compliments. He actually
+said he wished I were his niece.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Tom.</span> He did?</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mintra.</span> Yes, he did.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Tom.</span> Well, I vow!</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mintra.</span> (<i>mocking him</i>) “Well, I vow,” you’re polite. Is it
+such a very astonishing thing that an old gentleman should
+make such a wish?</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Tom.</span> (<i>pulling his mustache</i>) <span class="lock">No—but—at</span> least, not all
+old gentlemen, but this old gentleman isn’t like all old gentlemen;
+in fact, he is a very cranky old gentleman, and I
+didn’t <span class="lock">expect—</span></p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mintra.</span> Didn’t expect! Never mind what you expected
+(<i>irritatedly</i>), I do not know that I especially indorse his wish;
+<span class="pagenum" id="Page_19">[Pg 19]</span>
+indeed, as I come to think of it, I am quite sure I do not.
+(<i>Turns away, pouting.</i>)</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Tom.</span> (<i>bewildered</i>) Why, my dear girl, what do you
+mean? Do you want me to understand that you do not
+care for me any more? (<span class="smcap">Mintra</span> <i>remains silent</i>.) My
+darling, don’t trifle with me. I have been terribly upset
+lately, and if I am stupid or dense you must overlook it.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mintra.</span> (<i>turning to him, and putting out both hands</i>) O
+Tom, you are dense! I thought you would be so happy;
+I am. Don’t make me say so. Cannot you see how easy
+it all is?</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Tom.</span> <span class="lock">Why—yes—I</span> suppose so, only when you are
+dealing with a cranky <span class="lock">uncle—</span></p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Fossil.</span> (<i>entering suddenly</i>, <abbr title="Center"><span class="allsmcap">C.</span></abbr>) What’s this I hear?
+Cranky uncle! Cranky uncle, is it? (<i>Turning to</i> <span class="smcap">Mintra</span>)
+Don’t let this young man make you believe his tales,
+Miss Pet.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mintra.</span> (<i>laughingly</i>) Ah, Mr. Fossil, remember what
+you said awhile ago. You do not know to what tales I may
+be listening.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Fossil.</span> I certainly indorse anything I may have
+said to you, Miss Pet.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mintra.</span> Do you? Very well (<i>aside to</i> <span class="smcap">Tom</span>), present me
+as your <i>fiancée</i>. Do hurry, Tom.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Tom.</span> (<i>looking rather dazed</i>) Uncle, let me present you to
+my promised wife, Miss Mintra Triptoe.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Fossil.</span> (<i>looking very much surprised</i>) Your promised
+wife? Miss Mintra Triptoe? Why, I imagined this young
+lady to be Miss <span class="lock">Doting—Miss</span> Pet Doting.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mintra.</span> No, Mr. Fossil, auntie is Miss Doting. I am her
+sister’s child, and all the family call me Pet.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Fossil.</span> Well, I am amazed. Nevertheless, my dear,
+I am delighted as well. You little cajoler. Ha! ha! ha!
+Pretty well done. Ha! ha! ha!</p>
+
+<p class="center">
+(<i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Miss Doting</span>, <abbr title="Center"><span class="allsmcap">C.</span></abbr> <span class="smcap">Tom</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Mintra</span> <i>go out</i>,
+    <abbr title="Right"><span class="allsmcap">R.</span></abbr>)<br>
+</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Fossil.</span> Ah, Miss Doting, it seems that there is a
+possibility of our being more nearly related, and that your
+niece may be my niece, and my nephew your nephew.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Miss Doting.</span> O Mr. Fossil! this is so unexpected.
+How have I won such a prize?</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Fossil.</span> Prize? I am not sure about there being
+any great prize won, excepting on my side. If all is, as I
+hope it is, the prize will be won by my side of the house.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Miss Doting.</span> O Mr. Fossil! what an adept you are
+in the language of love!
+<span class="pagenum" id="Page_20">[Pg 20]</span></p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Fossil.</span> I? Not a bit of it. Well, perhaps I may
+have been rather effusive to the lady; but I hope she did
+not think too much so.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Miss Doting.</span> Too much so! How can you imagine it?
+What so delightful to a woman’s ears as the graceful appreciation
+of the man she <span class="lock">admires—respects—adores—</span>(<i>puts
+out both hands.</i>)</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Fossil.</span> (<i>taking her hands</i>) Well, Miss Doting, I had
+no idea that your niece was so impressed by my unworthy
+self, but she shall find me a warm friend. Yes, madam, we
+are to be congratulated. I will do my best for the young
+couple, and Tom will understand that his old uncle hasn’t
+such poor judgment after all.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Miss Doting.</span> (<i>withdrawing her hands</i>) Your nephew!
+My niece! <span class="lock">I—I—do</span> not understand.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Fossil.</span> Neither did I, at first; but the sly things
+told me they were engaged. My nephew, Tom Bestman,
+to your niece, Miss <span class="lock">Pet—no,</span> I mean Miss Mintra <span class="lock">Do—no,</span> I
+mean Triptoe.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Miss Doting.</span> O, cruel! cruel! not to have told me at
+once.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Fossil.</span> Not at all! not at all! Now, Miss Doting,
+pray do not take it in that way. Young folks like a little
+secret. I don’t blame them. Come, come, we old folks
+must give them our blessing and be happy with them.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Miss Doting.</span> (<i>aside</i>) Old folks! O, crueller still! Ah
+well, “What does not come to us is not ours.” (<i>Aloud</i>) I
+suppose I must not be too harsh, Mr. Fossil; let us find
+them; but we should remember that Emerson says “the
+passion of which we speak, though it begins with the
+young, does not forsake the old,” and you are scarcely old
+yet, Mr. Fossil. (<i>Takes his arm and they walk off</i>, <abbr title="Right"><span class="allsmcap">R.</span></abbr>)</p>
+
+<p class="center">
+(<i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Mr.</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Mrs. Alljoy</span>, <span class="smcap">Mrs. Frisk</span> <i>and others</i>, <abbr title="Left"><span class="allsmcap">L.</span></abbr><br>
+<span class="smcap">Mr.</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Mrs. Alljoy</span> <i>go down</i> <abbr title="Left"><span class="allsmcap">L.</span></abbr>)<br>
+</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Alljoy.</span> Now, Joe, you see my club is perfectly
+harmless.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Alljoy.</span> I congratulate you, Laura, I do, indeed.
+You are a trump. By George! but it was a revelation to
+me. I hadn’t an idea you women could be so limber. You
+looked stunning, too.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Alljoy.</span> And you’ll find it doesn’t stop here. I’ll
+take a five-mile walk with you to-morrow, if you say so.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Alljoy.</span> Good! we’ll do it.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Alljoy.</span> And, Joe, you may rustle the paper all
+<span class="pagenum" id="Page_21">[Pg 21]</span>
+you choose, and if you go to the club, remember, I’m going
+too. Somehow I’ve given up being an invalid, so you’d
+better not let me be alone too much, with all this newly acquired
+energy.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Alljoy.</span> I shall not want to go to the club if you
+will only be good company for me. To tell you the truth,
+the club is getting to be an awful bore, and I am about sick
+of clubs. That is a fact.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Alljoy.</span> Then we’ll begin all over again.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Frisk.</span> (<i>coming down</i>) Isn’t she a lively invalid, Mr.
+Alljoy? You may thank me for it.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Alljoy.</span> I do, most heartily. She’s her old self, indeed.
+Ah, here comes Tom and Mintra.</p>
+
+<p class="hanging">(<i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Tom</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Mintra</span>, <abbr title="Left"><span class="allsmcap">L.</span></abbr>, <span class="smcap">Mr. Fossil</span> <i>and</i>
+    <span class="smcap">Miss Doting</span>,
+<abbr title="Right"><span class="allsmcap">R.</span></abbr> <span class="smcap">Mr.</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Mrs. Alljoy</span> <i>go toward them</i>. <i>All meet
+centre.</i>)</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Miss Doting.</span> O Pet! why didn’t you tell me?</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mintra.</span> What? About Tom? I was afraid to. (<i>looking
+roguishly at</i> <span class="smcap">Mr. Fossil</span>) I was afraid you’d tell Mr.
+Fossil.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Fossil.</span> You little intriguer! Remember, I haven’t
+given my consent.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Tom.</span> But, you do, give it, sir.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Alljoy.</span> Oh, yes! Mr. Fossil!</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Alljoy.</span> You do give it, Mr. Fossil?</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Fossil.</span> I do, indeed.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Tom.</span> Then we must <span class="lock">thank—</span></p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mintra.</span> The Heart suit, for although Clubs were
+trumps, Hearts have, as usual, won at last.</p>
+
+<div style='text-align:center'>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 75848 ***</div>
+</body>
+</html>
+
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+Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for
+book #75848 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/75848)