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diff --git a/75598-h/75598-h.htm b/75598-h/75598-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..56ef3e2 --- /dev/null +++ b/75598-h/75598-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,5420 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html> +<html lang="en"> +<head> +<meta charset="utf-8"> +<title>The Problem Club</title> +<link rel="icon" href="images/cover.jpg" type="image/x-cover"> +<style> +body { + margin: 1em auto; + max-width: 40em; +} +p { + margin: 0; + text-indent: 1.5em; + text-align: justify; +} +hr { + width: 40%; + margin: 1em 30%; +} +h1 { + margin: 2em auto; + text-align: center; + text-transform: uppercase; +} +h2 { + margin: 2em auto; + text-align: center; +} +h2 + p { text-indent: 0 } +figure { + text-align: center; + margin: 1em 0; +} +figcaption { font-size: 90%; } +img { max-width: 95%; } +#titlepage { padding: 10% 0; } +.authorprefix { + font-style: italic; + text-align: center; + text-indent: 0; + margin: 1em 0; +} +.author { + font-size: x-large; + font-weight: bold; + margin-bottom: 2em; + text-align: center; + text-indent: 0; + text-transform: uppercase; +} +.illustrator { + font-size: large; + font-weight: bold; + margin-bottom: 4em; + text-align: center; + text-indent: 0; + text-transform: uppercase; +} +.publisher { + font-variant: small-caps; + text-align: center; + text-indent: 0; +} +.copyright { + font-size: small; + margin-top: 1em; + text-align: center; + text-indent: 0; +} +.toc { margin: 0 auto; } +.toc .n { + padding-right: 0.5em; + text-align: right; + vertical-align: top; +} +.toc .t { font-variant: small-caps; } +.subhead { + font-size: large; + font-weight: bold; + margin-bottom: 2em; + text-align: center; + text-indent: 0; +} +.subhead + p { text-indent: 0 } +div.chapter { page-break-before: always; } +div.section { page-break-before: always; } +</style> +</head> +<body> +<div style='text-align:center'>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 75598 ***</div> + +<figure> + <img id="coverpage" src="images/cover.jpg" alt="Book cover"> +</figure> + +<div class="section" id="titlepage"> + +<h1>The Problem Club</h1> +<p class="authorprefix">by</p> +<p class="author">Barry Pain</p> +<p class="authorprefix">illustrated by</p> +<p class="illustrator">Arthur Garratt</p> + +<p class="publisher">London: 48 Pall Mall</p> +<p class="publisher">W. Collins Sons & Co. Ltd.</p> +<p class="copyright">Copyright 1919</p> + +</div> + +<hr class="x-ebookmaker-drop"> + +<div class="section" id="contents"> + +<h2>Contents</h2> + +<table class="toc"> +<tr> + <td class="n">I</td> + <td class="t"><a href="#ch01">The Giraffe Problem</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> + <td class="n">II</td> + <td class="t"><a href="#ch02">The Kiss Problem</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> + <td class="n">III</td> + <td class="t"><a href="#ch03">The Free Meal Problem</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> + <td class="n">IV</td> + <td class="t"><a href="#ch04">The Win-and-Lose Problem</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> + <td class="n">V</td> + <td class="t"><a href="#ch05">The Handkerchief Problem</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> + <td class="n">VI</td> + <td class="t"><a href="#ch06">The Identity Problem</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> + <td class="n">VII</td> + <td class="t"><a href="#ch07">The Shakespearean Problem</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> + <td class="n">VIII</td> + <td class="t"><a href="#ch08">The Impersonation Problem</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> + <td class="n">IX</td> + <td class="t"><a href="#ch09">The Alibi Problem</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> + <td class="n">X</td> + <td class="t"><a href="#ch10">The Threepenny Problem</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> + <td class="n">XI</td> + <td class="t"><a href="#ch11">The Q-Loan Problem</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> + <td class="n">XII</td> + <td class="t"><a href="#ch12">The Pig-Keeper’s Problem</a></td> +</tr> +</table> + +</div> + +<hr class="x-ebookmaker-drop"> + +<div class="section" id="frontispiece"> + +<figure> + <img src="images/illus10.jpg" alt="A bus-conductor with passengers + on a bus. The conductor carries a pad of tickets and a change + purse, and stands before a passenger wearing a clerical collar + and hat. Another passenger looks over his newspaper at the + bus-conductor and smirks."> + <figcaption>‘ “Oh yes,” he said, “I heard. If you want all them + threepennies, you’d better get them out of the blanky + offertory-bag next Sunday.” ’</figcaption> +</figure> + +</div> + +<hr class="x-ebookmaker-drop"> + +<div class="chapter" id="ch01"> + +<h2>No. I. <br> The Giraffe Problem</h2> + +<p class="subhead">Prefatory Note</p> + +<p>The general public knows little about the +Problem Club. Many are not even aware +that it has now been in existence for several +years. Nor can it be said that the references +to it which have appeared from time to time +in the Press have been very enlightening, or +even reasonably accurate.</p> + +<p>For instance, a paragraph in a recent issue +of a society paper (which, it may be admitted, +is generally well informed) makes various +statements as to the Problem Club. It says +that the club has its premises underground +in Piccadilly, that a former Premier is a +member of it, that all the members are +required to swear a most solemn oath to act +with scrupulous honour in the monthly +competitions, and that high play frequently goes +on. The actual truth is that there are no +club premises. The famous but old-fashioned +restaurant that reserves two rooms on the +first floor for the club’s monthly meetings is +not situated in Piccadilly. No Premier has +ever been a member. The story of the solemn +oath is even more absurd. After all, the +members are gentlemen. They would as soon +think of taking a solemn oath not to cheat at +cards or at golf. The ‘scrupulous honour’ +is taken for granted. Lastly, there is no high +play in the accepted sense of the term. The +amount that a member can win or lose +in the monthly competitions will be stated +presently, and any betting on the results +is prohibited.</p> + +<p>Silly misrepresentations of this kind have +caused some annoyance, and it is now thought +that a discreet but authorised account of +some part of the proceedings of the club +would be preferable.</p> + +<p>The club consists of twelve members, and +the annual subscription is one hundred and +thirty-four pounds. Of this sum twenty-four +pounds is allotted to the club expenses, +including the club dinners which are held on +the first Saturday in every month. Each +member in turn acts as chairman at one +dinner in the year, afterwards adjudicating +upon the problem competition for that month; +while at the other eleven meetings he is +himself a competitor, the remaining one hundred +and ten pounds of his subscription being +treated as eleven entrance fees of ten pounds +each. The problems are not of a mathematical +nature, and were for some time invented +and propounded by Leonard, the ingenious +head-waiter of the restaurant. The winner +receives the whole of the entrance fees, +amounting to one hundred and ten pounds; +if there is more than one winner this amount +is divided equally between them. Thus +for his investment of one hundred and +ten pounds it is possible that a member +may in one year obtain a return of one +thousand two hundred and ten pounds, if he +is the sole winner of the eleven competitions +for which he is eligible. But the minute-books +of the club show that in actual practice +this has never happened; indeed, the record, +made by Mr Pusely-Smythe in 1911, is seven +wins, and on two occasions out of the seven +he had to share the prize with another +successful competitor.</p> + +<p>It may be admitted that the club has +necessarily been of the nature of a secret +society. Some of the problems set have +been rather curious, and it has occasionally +happened that in the course of their practical +solution members have been led to do things +which might prejudice them in their domestic +or social relations, or even subject them to +the penalties of the law.</p> + +<p>It is permitted to add an account of some +of the pre-war meetings of the club, various +natural precautions being taken to prevent +the discovery of the identity of members.</p> + +<p>It was the forty-third meeting of the +Problem Club. Dinner was over, and the +members had adjourned to the lofty and +comfortable room where the business of the +evening was transacted. A side-table was +suitably equipped with provision for smokers—all +the members were smokers—and for such +other refreshments as might be required in +the course of the evening. One or two waiters +still lingered—removing a coffee-cup, handing +a liqueur, or placing an ash-tray and matches +conveniently on one of the small tables. A +hum of conversation went on through the +blue haze of the cigar-smoke. Mr Pusely-Smythe, +with his usual lugubrious manner, +was just coming to the end of a screamingly +funny story. Any reference to the competition +to be settled is by an unwritten law +forbidden until the chairman has opened the +proceedings, but it was noticeable that Major +Byles was once more talking of resigning his +membership. He was not taken very seriously. +He was an original member, and, though he +lived in the country for the greater part of +the year, had never been known to miss a +single meeting of the club. His continuous +bad luck in the competitions had irritated +him, but nobody believed in his threat of +resignation, and it may be doubted if he +quite believed in it himself.</p> + +<p>The waiters left the room, and Sir Charles +Bunford, an elderly gentleman of distinguished +appearance, who was chairman for the evening, +took his place at his table and arranged his +papers. Among them the club cheque-book +showed temptingly. In accordance with the +club custom by which the chairman at one +meeting acted as secretary at the next, Dr +Alden took his seat beside Sir Charles and +prepared to make a note of the proceedings +for the club minute-book. Conversation +ceased. The other members seated themselves +informally in a semicircle of easy-chairs. +There was, indeed, a marked absence +of formality at the Problem Club. There +was no order of precedence. The chairman +did not rise when he spoke, nor did members +rise when they answered him.</p> + +<p>‘Now, gentlemen,’ Sir Charles began, ‘we +have before us to-night the Giraffe Problem. +I will read it out to you as worded by our +esteemed friend Leonard: “It is required +to induce a woman who is unaware of your +intention to say to you, ‘You ought to have +been a giraffe.’ ” Now, of course, I’m not +a competitor, but I must say that I’m sorry +I’m not. Upon my word, I don’t think +Leonard has ever given us anything quite +so easy.’</p> + +<p>There were several dissentient voices: ‘Not +a bit of it.’ ‘Can’t agree with you there, +Bunford.’ ‘Wish I’d found it so.’ ‘Leonard +knew what he was doing this time.’</p> + +<p>‘Oh, very well,’ said Sir Charles smiling. +‘I should have thought there were a score +of conversational openings to which the +inevitable reply would be, “You ought to have +been a giraffe.” I may be wrong, but I still +expect that the prize to-night will have to +be divided between four or five of you. +However, we’ll see what luck you’ve had. I’ll +begin with you, doctor, and then go on in +the direction of the sun and the wine.’</p> + +<p>Dr Alden shook his head. He had a strong +head, an alert expression, and a bright eye. +‘No good,’ he said. ‘There was too much +to do in Harley Street this month for me to +be able to give the proper time to it. I made +an attempt. It has probably cost me the +esteem of an excellent woman; these excellent +women never think you’re serious except +when you’re joking. I gave her the chance +to tell me I ought to have been a giraffe, +but she never took it. Enough said. Try +the next man.’</p> + +<p>‘The next is our only member of +Parliament, Mr Harding Pope.’</p> + +<p>‘Not competing this month,’ said Mr +Pope rather pompously. ‘My constituency +has made great demands upon me, and +I’m unable to defend my entrance fee. +Fortunately, the pleasure of the company +in which I find myself is worth far +more.’</p> + +<p>‘That’s all right,’ said Sir Charles +warningly, ‘but don’t get too slack. We’ve got +a long waiting list. What about you, Major +Byles?’</p> + +<p>‘My usual luck,’ said the Major. ‘I +worked the whole thing out completely and +made all the necessary preparations. I was +down at my cottage at the time. I assure +you that during the whole of breakfast one +morning I talked about practically nothing +except giraffes and the way that they can +pull down fruit from a tree, thanks to their +thundering long necks. My wife, the +children’s governess, and Mrs Hebor, who was +stopping with us, all heard me, though I +can’t say that they seemed particularly +interested. Afterwards my wife and I were in +the garden, and I pointed to a tree full of +ripe cherries.</p> + +<p>‘ “I like fruit,” I said, “but I hate +climbing trees.”</p> + +<p>‘Now, considering the ground-bait that I +had been putting down at breakfast, I consider +the betting was ten to one that she would +reply that I ought to have been a giraffe. +Instead of that, she said that Wilkins would +get them for me, and then seemed surprised +that I was annoyed. A few minutes later I +tried the governess with precisely the same +remark, and she asked me if I would like +to have a ladder fetched. (I often wonder +what I pay that woman her salary for.) Then +Mrs Hebor came out—as dependable a woman +as I know in a general way; you nearly +always know what she is going to say before +she says it—and I told her that I liked cherries, +but hated climbing to get them.</p> + +<p>‘ “You ought,” she began—and this time +I thought I really had got it—“to be able +to reach some of those without climbing.”</p> + +<p>‘After that I gave up. No amount of +intelligence can contend against luck like +that. Matter of fact, I’m tempted to give +up this problem business altogether.’</p> + +<p>‘Oh, don’t do that,’ said Sir Charles +soothingly. ‘It was hard lines, but we shall +see you a prize-winner one of these days. +Now, Mr Cunliffe, what have you to tell us?’</p> + +<p>‘I failed,’ said the Rev. Septimus Cunliffe, +an elderly cleric who specialised in +broad-mindedness. ‘Plausible strategy, but +disappointing results. Nothing of interest to +report.’</p> + +<p>‘Did you do any better, Mr Matthews?’</p> + +<p>Mr Matthews was a man of forty, bald, +round-faced, rubicund, and slightly obese. +The task of ordering the club dinners and +the wines to be drunk therewith was always +left in his hands with a confidence which +was invariably justified. His knowledge as +an epicure was considerable, and it is possible +that his intelligence was less considerable, +but more than once he had been lucky in a +competition. He was the richest man in a +club where nobody was very poor, and was +good-tempered and popular.</p> + +<p>‘Well, you know,’ said Matthews, ‘I feel +as if I ought to have won this. At one time +it looked as if I simply had it chucked at me. +I was talking to Lady Amelia, who does +a lot in the East End and is always nosing +round for subscriptions.</p> + +<p>‘ “Why do you men drink?” she asked +in her blunt way.</p> + +<p>‘The question of this competition occurred +to me, and it looked like a good chance.</p> + +<p>‘ “Well,” I said, “the pleasure begins in +the palate, but I fancy that it continues in +the throat. I often wish I had a longer +throat.”</p> + +<p>‘You would have hardly thought she could +have missed it, but she did. Said that she +was sure I was not so bad as I made myself +out to be, and milked me of a fiver for some +rotten “good cause.” ’</p> + +<p>‘Look here,’ said Major Byles, returning +from a fruitless visit to the side-table, ‘I’ll ask +the chairman for a minute’s interval. They’ve +not put out any seltzer, though they must +know that I always take seltzer with mine.’</p> + +<p>‘Certainly, Major; certainly. Would +somebody kindly touch the bell?’</p> + +<p>The seltzer-water was brought and business +was resumed.</p> + +<p>‘Your turn next, Jimmy,’ said Sir Charles.</p> + +<p>The Hon. James Feldane, a rather weary +young man, said, ‘Well, I claim to be a +winner, but there’s a shade of doubt about it, +and I’ll ask for your ruling. All I can say +is that if I don’t touch the money my luck’s +even worse than the Major’s. Like him, I +was systematic about it. My first step was +to buy some of the highest collars that could +be got for money—two inches or so too high +for me and beastly uncomfortable. I put one +of them on, and looked like a bad +freak—something out of a back number of <i>Punch</i>. +My next step was to call on my married sister. +She told me to go home and dress myself +properly, as I knew she would. So I asked +in my innocent way what was wrong, and she +said I seemed to have mistaken my neck for +the Nelson Column.</p> + +<p>‘ “Alluding to my collar?” I said. “Well, +I like plenty. I’d wear a collar three feet +high if I could.” ’</p> + +<p>‘And then my fool of a brother-in-law +stuck his oar in, and said, “You ought to +have been a giraffe”; and I’m absolutely +certain Dora would have said it if he hadn’t +got in first.</p> + +<p>‘So there it is—the words were all right, +but they were used by a man. Still, for some +purposes—bankruptcy and things of that +kind—a man and his wife count as one, +don’t they? What’s the ruling?’</p> + +<p>‘My ruling,’ said Sir Charles, ‘is that +your claim fails. It is required that the +words should be used by a woman, and your +brother-in-law is not a woman.’</p> + +<p>‘Yes, I was afraid you’d think so,’ said +Jimmy, ‘but it was worth trying. Anybody +want any rotten high collars?’</p> + +<p>‘Now, Mr Pusely-Smythe,’ said the +chairman.</p> + +<p>Mr Pusely-Smythe was a man of middle +age, with dark, cavernous eyes and an +intellectual forehead. He was pale and thin, and +was less solemn than he seemed.</p> + +<p>‘I claim to have won,’ he said in a +melancholy voice. ‘My method was not the most +obvious or direct, and might easily have +failed, but the luck was with me. I must +tell you that I happen to know a Mrs +Magsworth, who of late years has given way a +good deal to Nature Study. She haunts the Zoo +and the Botanical Gardens. She understands +about the habitat of the hyena, and if +cockroaches devour their young, and which end +of the tree the onion grows—all that kind +of thing. She is rather severe with people +who, as she phrases it, “show an abysmal +ignorance of the simplest facts.” She has +got a face like a horse, though that is not +germane to the question. I arranged with a +kindly hostess to let me take in Mrs +Magsworth to dinner one evening—I gather that +there was no particular rush for the job.</p> + +<p>‘I said: “I’m so glad to meet you again, +Mrs Magsworth. With your knowledge you +will be able to settle a point that has been +worrying me for days. My little nephew +asked me which was the tallest animal. And, +do you know, I couldn’t be quite sure.”</p> + +<p>‘ “Then, Mr Smythe,” she said, “you ought +to have been. A giraffe is much the tallest +of the mammals.”</p> + +<p>‘So I claim to have won. She, being a +woman ignorant of my intention, was induced +to say to me the words required in the order +required and without the interpolation of any +other word.’</p> + +<p>‘But there’s the interpolation of a full +stop,’ said Mr Harding Pope, and was at +once called to order—only the chairman has +the right to comment and to adjudicate.</p> + +<p>Sir Charles took a few moments to consider +his decision, and then gave his ruling as +follows:—</p> + +<p>‘My ruling is that Mr Pusely-Smythe’s +claim is conditionally allowed. It is true +that Mrs Magsworth used other words both +before and after the words required, but that +is not precluded by the terms of the problem. +The only other possible objection is that +there was the interpolation of a full stop. +Now, there is no full stop in spoken speech: +it is represented by a pause. In this case the +pause indicated the end of a sentence. In +another case the pause might have indicated +that the woman could not for a moment think +of the word giraffe. In that case I am sure +that no objection would have been raised. +Yet there, too, a sign could be used to represent +it in print or writing. Leonard requires +certain words in a certain order, but he does +not forbid a pause to be made between them. +Unless some member has induced a woman to +use the same words with no pause +whatever—which I should rule to be a still +better solution—Mr Pusely-Smythe’s claim +is allowed.’</p> + +<p>As no other member had met with any +success at all, a cheque for one hundred +and ten pounds was drawn to the order of +Mr Pusely-Smythe and handed to him with +the congratulations of the chairman.</p> + +<hr> + +<p>The chairman’s next duty was to open the +sealed envelope containing the problem set +by the ingenious Leonard for the ensuing +month. This was entitled ‘The Kiss Problem,’ +and when its conditions were read out +both Major Byles and the Rev. Septimus +Cunliffe objected to it, though on totally +different grounds, and urged that Leonard +should be asked to substitute something else. +However, on a vote being taken, it was agreed +by a considerable majority that ‘The Kiss +Problem’ should be retained, although, as +the chairman pointed out, it looked +excessively dangerous.</p> + +<p>Mr Pusely-Smythe was reminded that it +was his turn to be chairman at the next +meeting. And then, the business of the +evening being at an end, the card-tables were +brought in, and members addressed themselves +to bridge at moderate points.</p> + +</div> + +<hr class="x-ebookmaker-drop"> + +<div class="chapter" id="ch02"> + +<h2>No. II. <br> The Kiss Problem</h2> + +<p>Mr Pusely-Smythe’s air of saturnine +melancholy was pronounced as he took the chair +at the forty-fourth monthly meeting of the +Problem Club.</p> + +<p>‘Well, gentlemen,’ he began, ‘the waiters +are supposed to have left the room, but in +view of the nature of the problem before +us to-night you would probably wish to be quite +sure on the point. Will somebody kindly +examine the screen by the waiters’ entrance?’</p> + +<p>Mr Quillian, K.C., reported that no waiter +was concealed, and further that the door was +locked.</p> + +<p>‘Thank you, my learned friend. Leonard—admirable +as a head-waiter, ingenious and +generally innocuous as the inventor of our +problems—has on this occasion undergone +a moral lapse. I will give you the words +of this lamentable problem: “It is required +within the space of one hour to kiss upon +the cheek ten females of the age of courtship +and not cousins or any nearer relative of the +kisser, without giving offence to any one of +them.”</p> + +<p>‘Major Byles protested against this problem +on the ground that it gave an unfair +advantage to the young and unattached. The +Rev. Septimus Cunliffe seconded the protest +on the ground that, broad-minded though he +was, after all there was a limit. A vote +being taken, it was found—to the eternal +shame of the club, if I may say so—that +there was a considerable majority in favour +of the problem being retained.’</p> + +<p>Every member being well aware that the +chairman himself had voted with the majority, +there was some hilarious interruption.</p> + +<p>‘Gentlemen,’ said the chairman severely, +‘this is not the spirit in which to approach +stories of wrecked homes and blasted +reputations, and these stories we must +now hear. I observe that Mr Quillian has +had his face scratched recently, doubtless +the work of outraged modesty, but before +I——’</p> + +<p>‘I really must protest,’ said Mr Quillian. +‘The slight marks on my left cheek are not +scratches, but were caused—as they say at +the inquests—by some blunt instrument, to +wit, a safety razor.’</p> + +<p>‘Well,’ the chairman continued, ‘you will +have an opportunity later to explain how +the girl got hold of the razor. I will begin +with some of our younger Lotharios. What +have you to tell us, Mr Feldane?’</p> + +<p>The Hon. James Feldane put down his +cigarette, and spoke wearily: ‘It’s like this, +you know. I claim to have won unless my +score’s beaten. Ten in an hour is an +impossible demand on the part of our friend +Leonard, and I doubt if bogey would be +more than four. May I take it that I win, +if I am nearest to Leonard’s figure?’</p> + +<p>‘That is so. Continue your loathsome +confessions.’</p> + +<p>‘It’s strictly masonic and all that, ain’t +it?’</p> + +<p>‘Mr Feldane may be assured that his +hideous secret will die with us,’ said the +chairman. ‘The club rule of secrecy has +never yet been broken.’</p> + +<p>‘That being so, I’ll get on. I’d planned +it all for a dance I was going to, and I’d +put in a deal of conscientious preliminary +work, getting certain girls up to a certain +mark, if you understand what I mean. On +the appointed night a perfectly dear old +thing with two daughters some years older +than myself called to take me on to that +dance. They’ve known me all my life. They +knew me when I’d got golden curls and +played with a wool rabbit. They’re no sort +of relation, and so they count for the purpose +of this competition. Well, I’ve always kissed +them when we met, and I kissed them that +time as soon as I boarded the car. So when +we got to the house where the dance was I +was three up and still had fifty-three minutes +to go.’</p> + +<p>Here Feldane was interrupted by an appeal +to the chairman. It was made by his friend +Hesseltine, a tall and dark young man, as +good-looking as Feldane himself, though of +a very different type.</p> + +<p>‘Mr Chairman,’ said Hesseltine, ‘before +Jimmy goes any further I should like to ask +for your ruling. The mother of those two +girls is to my certain knowledge sixty-two +years of age. I claim that Jimmy cannot score +her, as she is above the age of courtship.’</p> + +<p>‘Sorry, Mr Hesseltine, but your claim is +disallowed. It has been well observed that +a man is as old as he feels, but that a woman +is rather younger than she doesn’t look. +There is no historical instance of any woman +being over the age of courtship.’</p> + +<p>‘Then I’m pipped,’ said Hesseltine +gloomily. ‘Go on, Jimmy.’</p> + +<p>‘I kissed four more in the time left me, +but one of them told me that she would +never speak to me again, and so I can’t count +her, though it’s what she always says. I +was done by the time limit. You can’t in +decency kiss a girl and then do an immediate +bunk. You must keep on telling her how +maddeningly beautiful she is for a few minutes. +Besides, at a dance you can’t always find +the girl you want at the moment you want +her. Still, I claim a score of six.’</p> + +<p>‘The claim is allowed. And what was +your sad experience, Mr Hesseltine?’</p> + +<p>‘Much the same as Jimmy’s. I went to +the same dance. I also played the +friends-of-my-childhood, but I could only raise five +of them. So Jimmy’s one ahead. If you +had disallowed his old lady we should have +tied. I might add that, being rather carried +away, I got engaged to two different girls +in the course of the hour, and though it’s +all right now, I don’t monkey with a buzzsaw +again. The next kiss problem will find +little Bobby seated with the spectators.’</p> + +<p>‘Possibly,’ said the chairman, ‘the finesse +and experience of riper years will have +accomplished more than the attractions of untutored +youth. May I interrupt your secretarial +duties, Sir Charles?’</p> + +<p>Sir Charles laid down his pencil, smiled, +and shook his head. ‘This time you must +place me also with the spectators,’ he said, +and quoted an apt line of Horace.</p> + +<p>‘It is seldom that you miss. I wish Mr +Harding Pope, that I could say the same of +you. What have you done this time to +redeem yourself?’</p> + +<p>‘What could I do?’ said Mr Pope, with +an oratorical gesture. ‘I represent a +Nonconformist constituency which is not tolerant +of the least laxity in the private life of its +member. The mere suspicion that I had +taken part in a competition of this kind might +end my political career.’</p> + +<p>‘Possibly. Failure to take part in the +next competition will actually end your career +as a member of this club, as you will see if +you refer to rule eleven. The club does +not regard onlookers as sportsmen. I suppose, +Major Byles, since you protested against the +problem, that for the first time in your +membership you have failed to compete.’</p> + +<p>‘That is so, but my protest had very +little to do with it. Matter of fact, I had a +superstitious idea that it might change my +luck if I gave a miss this time.’</p> + +<p>‘Then I will turn to Dr Alden. What +was your adventure, doctor?’</p> + +<p>‘Mine was more a tragedy than an adventure,’ +said the doctor. ‘On the evening of +Sunday the twelfth, acting on information +received, I presented myself at the residence +of my married sister. She said that I must +have forgotten that she was entertaining +the girls of her Tennyson Club that night, +and that she had never wanted me less, but +that, as I was there, I could stop. I stopped, +that being what I had come for. Her suggestion +that her husband and myself, the only +two males present, should go off to the +billiard-room after supper, was negatived by +both of us. In accordance with plan I then +directed the conversation to the subject of +face-powder, condemning it on scientific +grounds and maintaining that it deceived +nobody. My sister said that it was not +intended to deceive, but that as a matter of +fact no man would ever detect it unless it +had been put on with a shovel. I said that, +on the contrary, given a certain condition, +any man with a scientific training could detect +it with his eyes shut.</p> + +<p>‘Several of the girls asked me how. This +was not unexpected.</p> + +<p>‘I replied that he would only have to +touch with his lips a cheek on which there +was face-powder and he would know it +instantly and infallibly.</p> + +<p>‘My sister said she did not believe a word +of it.</p> + +<p>‘My answer was that I could easily prove +it. Let them blindfold me. Then twelve +times in succession let a cheek touch my +lips. In each case I would state whether +or not face-powder had been used, and would +employ no other means of detection. I was +so certain of it that I would gladly +contribute a guinea to the charitable fund of +the Tennyson Club for every mistake that +I made.</p> + +<p>‘My sister said that it was very easy to +make an impossible offer that could not be +accepted. Somewhat to my surprise the +prettiest girl there said that she did not think +it an impossible offer at all. It was a scientific +experiment and might benefit a very good +cause. I would never know the identity of +the twelve who took part in the experiment. +Its very publicity made it innocuous. But I +should have to give them a little time to +settle which were the twelve to be sacrificed +and the order in which they were to present +themselves. To this I at once agreed.</p> + +<p>‘I was put in a chair and blindfolded—really +blindfolded. I need hardly tell the +members of this club that my claim to be +able to detect the presence of face-powder +in the way indicated was a piece of +monumental spoof. This did not alarm me. I +could not lose more than twelve guineas, +and I was out to win our prize of one hundred +and ten pounds. I could assign my mistakes +to the fact that I had just smoked a cigarette, +thus spoiling the delicacy of my perception.</p> + +<p>‘I heard a sound of whispering and suppressed +laughter as the girls held their +consultation, and then the experiment began in +silence, broken only by the rustle of feminine +garments. Twelve times in succession I felt +a gentle touch upon my lips, and never once +did I fail to take advantage of it. I gave +six decisions for face-powder and six against, +and was just thinking how I would spend +the hundred and ten pounds when I heard +a roar of laughter. I tore off the bandage +and asked what was the matter.</p> + +<p>‘As soon as they could speak they told +me. The only person that I had kissed on +all twelve occasions was my own sister. +Sometimes she had touched my lips with +her cheek, on which there was face-powder, +and sometimes with the back of her hand, +on which there was none. And nine times +I had been mistaken in my diagnosis. The +treasurer of the charitable fund—she was the +pretty girl of whom I have spoken—collected +the money. Then they all resumed their +merriment, and no excuse for my mistakes +was ever heard.</p> + +<p>‘All things considered, I think I have a +fair claim for a consolation prize.’</p> + +<p>‘The club does not give prizes of that +description,’ said the chairman. ‘But I +can offer you our sympathy, which is more +valuable than mere money. I will now call +upon Mr Quillian.’</p> + +<p>Mr Quillian adjusted his pince-nez. ‘I +will ask the chairman’s permission to argue +that the whole of this competition is null and +void, and that the prize should be added to +that for the next competition.’</p> + +<p>‘I will hear you, Mr Quillian, but you +must be brief and to the point. You are +not in court now, you know.’</p> + +<p>‘If you please, I submit that a kiss has +a psychical as well as a physical side, and +that kisses for competition purposes are so +deficient on the psychical or emotional side +that they cannot be considered as kisses in +the ordinary sense of the word.’</p> + +<p>‘I do not admit that. Possibly the competition +kiss does not come up to the standard +demanded by a voluptuary like my learned +friend, but it is still a kiss. If he kissed this +match-box, it would be a kiss and could not +be described otherwise, although presumably +the emotional side would be absent. Enough +of these legal quibbles. I will now ask Mr +Matthews if he has been as successful in the +part of Lothario as he invariably is in that of +Lucullus.’</p> + +<p>Mr Matthews, the club epicure, said that +a decent upbringing had caused him to fail +in a shameful enterprise, and gave his account +of it.</p> + +<p>He advertised in the name of Mrs Elsmere +Twiss, giving an accommodation address, for +a companion to an elderly lady. The salary +offered was magnificent, and it was intimated +that accomplishments would be less valued +than youthful charm and an affectionate +nature. Applicants were to enclose +photographs.</p> + +<p>Ten of the applicants—and it is to be +feared that they were the ten whose +photographs were the most attractive—were given +an appointment with Mrs Elsmere Twiss at a +West End hotel on a certain day. On the +morning of that day Mr Matthews placed +himself in the hands of a famous costumier, +who had guaranteed to convert him into +such an excellent imitation of an old lady +that even at close quarters the disguise would +not be detected. The costumier spent two +hours on effecting a most artistic +transformation and then, after submitting himself +to the photographer in attendance, Mr Matthew +drove off to the hotel. A passer-by who +had happened to glance into the cab might +have observed a sweet-looking old lady +smoking a large cigar.</p> + +<figure> + <img src="images/illus2.jpg" alt="An older person wearing a + Victorian-era hat with a train, a black dress with a fur collar, + and white gloves, with a lit cigar in ‘her’ mouth."> + <figcaption>‘A sweet-looking old lady smoking a large + cigar.’</figcaption> +</figure> + +<p>He now proceeded to interview the selected +ten, it being his abominable intention to kiss +each applicant as he said good-bye to her.</p> + +<p>The first applicant to be brought in from +the waiting-room was Miss Grace Porter. +Everything went well until the moment came +for the affectionate good-bye. But then it +chanced that Miss Porter dropped her +handkerchief.</p> + +<p>Now Mr Matthews had from the nursery +upwards been taught habits of politeness, and +his decent upbringing now proved his undoing. +Forgetting that he was supposed to be an +elderly lady and the girl’s prospective +employer, he flew to pick up that handkerchief. +And as he stooped his hat and wig fell off. +For a few awful moments he remained stooping, +waiting for Miss Porter’s scream. But +no scream came. She had realised that Mrs +Elsmere Twiss wore a wig, but not that she +was a man. And the tactful Miss Porter +had retired from the room.</p> + +<p>Mr Matthews was safe, but his nerve +was gone. He replaced the hat and wig, +and sent a waiter with a message to the +remaining applicants.</p> + +<p>When Mr Matthews had finished his story +two other members narrated how they had +conspired together to get the game of +kiss-in-the-ring played at a rectory garden party +and had failed miserably.</p> + +<p>‘Now the only member left,’ said the +chairman, ‘is Mr Cunliffe, and as he protested +against the problem, and will not have +competed——’</p> + +<p>‘Pardon me,’ said the sonorous and ecclesiastical +voice of the Rev. Septimus Cunliffe. +‘I have not only competed, but I claim to +be the winner.’</p> + +<p>‘One moment. This is a shock, and some +restorative seems indicated.’ The chairman +fetched himself a brandy-and-soda from the +side-table and resumed. ‘Now, if the reverend +gentleman will continue the account of his +exploits——’</p> + +<p>‘It has pained me to hear to-night +aspersions on the character of our admirable +Leonard. I admit that when I first heard +the problem I was myself inclined to misjudge +him. But on examining it more closely +I saw that never had he risen to a higher +pitch of austere, though cynical, morality. I +saw that he intended that this prize should +be won by the most high-minded member of +the club—by the man whose mind was the +least obsessed by thoughts of frivolity or +flirtation.’</p> + +<p>‘Might I suggest,’ said the chairman, +‘that you should stop throwing bouquets to +yourself, and tell us about these ten women +that you’ve kissed?’</p> + +<p>‘That is precisely my point. Leonard +does not say women. He does not say girls. +He says females. My aunt is interested in +smoke-gray Persian cats. She breeds them +and deals in them on behalf of a charity, and +you will generally find thirty or forty of them +at her house. It is unhygienic to kiss cats, +but I kissed ten of them, and my aunt was +greatly pleased at this unusual demonstration +of affection for her pets. Some of them seemed +slightly bored, but not one was offended. +When a cat is offended it tells you so. They +were of an age for courtship—by males of +their own species. Briefly, the cats and I +conformed in all respects with the +requirements of the problem.’</p> + +<p>‘Gentlemen,’ said the chairman, ‘the +subtlety of our theologian has overcome you. +Our cheque for one hundred and ten pounds +will be drawn to the order of Mr Septimus +Cunliffe.</p> + +<p>‘I will now read out the problem which will +next engage your attention. It is entitled +“The Free Meal Problem.” It is required +within the space of twenty-four consecutive +hours to be the guest of one person at +breakfast, of another at luncheon, and of a third +at dinner, the host being in each case a person +whom the competitor has not to his knowledge +seen, and with whom he has held no communication +previous to the sunrise preceding the +meal. No direct request for a meal may be +made and no remuneration may be given in +return for any meal.</p> + +<p>‘The adjudicator will be my learned friend +Mr Quillian.’</p> + +</div> + +<hr class="x-ebookmaker-drop"> + +<div class="chapter" id="ch03"> + +<h2>No. III. <br> The Free Meal Problem</h2> + +<p>Probably no member of the Problem Club +enjoyed his evening of chairmanship more +than Mr Quillian, K.C., who occupied the +chair at the forty-fifth meeting. He liked the +position of authority, and he liked the +opportunity to exercise the nicety and precision of +his legal mind. In the Free Meal Problem, +on which he was to adjudicate, the ingenious +head-waiter Leonard had made the following +demand:—</p> + +<p>‘It is required within the space of twenty-four +consecutive hours to be the guest of +one person at breakfast, of another at luncheon, +and of a third at dinner, the host being in +each case a person whom the competitor has +not to his knowledge seen, and with whom +he has held no communication, previous to +the sunrise preceding the meal. No direct +request for a meal may be made, and no +remuneration may be given in return for +any meal.’</p> + +<p>‘Now, gentlemen,’ said Mr Quillian, when +he had read this out, ‘this is a problem where +the question of definition may arise. For +instance, a child in a railway carriage offers +a traveller a small piece of deteriorated bun. +We will suppose that the hour is eight in +the morning and that the traveller has not +partaken of food since the previous midnight. +In the improbable event of his consuming +the—er—proffered dainty, he has undoubtedly +broken his fast. But can he be said to have +breakfasted? All I can say is that if the +question of definition should arise to-night I +will do my best to deal with it on common-sense +lines, accurately but without pedantry.’</p> + +<p>The chairman then called upon Mr +Wildersley, A.R.A., to give his experiences.</p> + +<p>Wildersley was a man of middle age who, +like many artists, retained something of the +child in his composition. He was a big, +good-tempered man of rather rugged appearance. +The cigars provided by the club, good +though they were, had no attraction for him. +He was a pipe-smoker, and between his +sentences he contrived to keep his pipe +alight.</p> + +<p>‘Well,’ he said, ‘I mayn’t be a winner, +but I can’t be far out. I’ll tell you how I +set about it. You may have noticed that +chaps in the country with little places—three +or four acres—are often very keen about +them. In fact, the smaller the place the +keener they are. My frame-maker, who +lives near Harrow, used to spend most of his +Sunday afternoon sitting behind a curtain +with the window open, listening to what +passers-by had to say about the godetias in +his front garden. His daughter sometimes +sits for me, and she told me that if the +compliments on the garden came in nicely it put +him in such a good temper that he used to +let the family off church in the evening. I +decided to work on the pride that the owner +or tenant has in his place. I went down to +the outer suburban belt—the part that they +call the real country—and put up at an hotel. +Then bright and early one morning I started +out with my painting contraptions. I very +soon spotted a place that I knew must be +picturesque, because it had got some clipped +yews and a sun-dial; besides, as the gate +informed me, it was called the Dream House, +and that proved it. So in I went, pitched my +easel half-way up the drive, and got to work. +An old gardener came up and asked me if +I knew that I was trespassing. So I gave +him a shilling, my card, and my apologies. +I told him to keep the shilling and to deliver +the card and apologies to his master as soon +as that gentleman got down. That seemed +to meet the case. In half an hour I had +knocked off something showy, and then down +the drive towards me came the owner, all +smiles and Norfolk jacket, with a Cocker +spaniel trailing behind him. I gave him the +sketch, and he was as pleased as Punch about +it. He took me round the garden to point +out other picturesque spots, and then brought +me into the house to introduce me to his +family. Nice people, very. Almost before I +knew it I was breakfasting with them, and +being hungry I was pleased to find that they +took breakfast seriously. They’d have kept +me there all day if I could have stopped, but +the business of this problem required me to +move on.</p> + +<p>‘At half-past twelve I played the same +trick again six miles up the road. Once more +it worked perfectly. My hostess was an old +lady of the almost extinct type that knows +how to live. Everything about the place was +just exactly. The luncheon was just exactly. +And she gave me a very fine old Amontillado—a +wine that we don’t see enough of nowadays. +I can’t say whether it was the sherry +or the success, but when I left I felt that I +had got the club’s cheque for one hundred +and ten pounds in my pocket and was listening +to the chairman’s kindly words of congratulation. +My mistake, of course. Begin well, +but not too well. If you begin too well, +mistrust it.</p> + +<p>‘About seven that evening I was painting +a garden which was really rather good in that +light. (I’d sent in my card and got permission.) +As I was finishing the job and rather +wrapped up in it I heard a Scotch accent +behind me, saying that the sketch was +“no bad” and “verra like.” He and I discussed +the comparative merits of painting and +photography. For accuracy he “prefaired +the photograph, but then it didna give the +colours.” As before, I presented the sketch, +and I still think that he was pleased with it. +He asked me to sign it, so as to prove to +his friends that he “wasna lying” when he +said that it was by a professed painter, and +admitted that he would not grudge the money +it would cost for framing and glazing. He +then said he made no doubt I would be +hurrying home for my dinner, and he would wish +me good-evening. And so, in a manner of +speaking, I fell at the last hurdle. Still, I +suppose I score the breakfast and luncheon.’</p> + +<p>The Hon. James Feldane addressed the +chairman:—</p> + +<p>‘I’d like your ruling on that point, sir. +And it’s quite impartial, because I am not +competing myself this time.’</p> + +<p>‘Not competing?’ said the chairman. +‘Might I ask what stopped you? Hitherto +you have been one of the keenest and most +sporting of our members, in spite of your air +of—er—lassitude.’</p> + +<p>‘What stopped me,’ said Jimmy simply, +‘was breakfast. Breakfast is bad enough at +any time, especially if you’ve been rather late +and busy the night before. But to breakfast +with an absolute stranger on chance food, and +to go out and dig for the invitation first—well, +it was unthinkable. I’m sorry to spoil +old Wildersley’s score, and if he’d bunged me +one of his sketches instead of chucking them +about the suburbs I might have been able to +stifle the voice of conscience. As it is, I feel +bound to raise the objection that he gave +remuneration for the breakfast and +luncheon—to wit, two sketches.’</p> + +<p>‘The gift of the sketches was precedent to +the meals and was unconditional, as we see +by the fact that the third sketch produced +no meal. The sketches were a lure, and the +use of a lure is not prohibited. They were +not remuneration given in return for a meal. +I should not even say that the meals were +remuneration for the sketches; they were +merely an expression of gratitude. Mr +Feldane’s objection is disallowed.’</p> + +<p>That habitual non-starter Mr Harding Pope, +M.P., was now asked if he had made his +choice between competition or resignation.</p> + +<p>‘I have competed, of course. But I have +only the most dismal of failures to record. +I was down at my constituency, and I picked +out three new residents on whom I had a +plausible excuse for calling. I ’phoned the first +to ask if he could see me at nine, apologising +for the earliness of the hour. He said +that the time suited him very well, and that, +as a matter of fact, he always breakfasted at +seven, so as to begin work early. The man +whom I called on at lunch-time could only +give me ten minutes, he said, as he was lunching +out. The third did ask me to dinner, but +not on that day. And probably all three +have put me down as a man who calls at +tactless and inconvenient times. I can only +say that I am ready to suffer far worse things +for the privilege of retaining my membership.’</p> + +<p>Sir Charles Bunford had perhaps shown +rather more strategy, but had only one degree +less of failure to report. He had obtained +letters of introduction to three noted +food-cranks, all of them ardent proselytisers. To +the first he represented himself as suffering +from a list of symptoms. Sir Charles had +memorised them carefully from the advertisement +of a patent pill. He said that he was +sorry to call at so early an hour, but after a +night of suffering he had determined that he +would begin on a new system of diet at +once.</p> + +<p>‘For instance,’ he said, ‘what ought I to +have for breakfast this morning? What do +you have yourself?’</p> + +<p>The food-crank said that he would not +only tell him; he would ask him to share his +simple but healthful fare.</p> + +<p>At this point in his narrative the chairman +interposed.</p> + +<p>‘This is a case where the question of +definition may arise. I must ask you to tell +us, Sir Charles, what the food-crank gave +you for breakfast.’</p> + +<p>‘It was not so much breakfast as a premature +dessert with a hospital flavour to it. It +consisted of uncooked fruit and lessons in +the difficult art of mastication. With that we +drank a special sort of coffee, from which all +deleterious matter, including the taste of +coffee, had been entirely removed. But the +question of definition need not worry you, as +I can’t claim to have won. The second +food-crank, whom I visited at lunch-time, told +me that his chief secret was never to eat in +the middle of the day. The third, whom I +tackled in the evening, was so ascetic in his +conversation and so extremely anxious to keep +me out of his dining-room, that I formed a +suspicion, perhaps unworthy, that the man’s +practice differed somewhat from his preaching. +So I’ve failed, but it was quite an amusing day.’</p> + +<p>That great epicure, Mr Matthews, had not +competed, and gave his reasons with a +solemnity that contrasted with his usual +cheeriness.</p> + +<p>‘Thank Heaven,’ he said, ‘I have a +sophisticated appetite! Thank Heaven again +I have an over-educated palate! Starvation +for twenty-four hours I might have possibly +faced. But the horrors of casual hospitality +were more than I could risk.’</p> + +<p>‘Ah, well,’ said the chairman, ‘I must +turn to Mr Pusely-Smythe, who is acting as +secretary for us to-night. I presume he has +added one more to his list of triumphs.’</p> + +<p>‘The pangs of failure,’ said that saturnine +gentleman, ‘are increased by the jeers of the +learned chairman. I ought to have won. I +claim to have won. But I confess that it will +not surprise me if I am reduced to an equality +with my artist friend. I shall have a melancholy +pleasure in sharing the prize with him. +He tried to work upon gratitude, and so did +I. The particular brand of gratitude that I +decided to exploit for my purpose was the +gratitude that a woman feels for the return +of her lost pet dog. It seems to vary inversely +as the value of the dog, but it is always +great.</p> + +<p>‘You will perhaps remember that about a +year ago Leonard set us a peculiarly sinful +problem, which he styled the Substitution +Problem, and that in the complicated and +unjustifiable operations by which I succeeded +in winning the prize I made the acquaintance +of James Tigg, and did him a good turn. +Now James, known to his intimate friends as +“Kidney,” is by profession a French polisher, +but does not practice, and his favourite +occupation is the appropriation of dogs, his +gifts in that direction amounting almost to +genius.</p> + +<p>‘I sent for James. I told him that I +thought it likely that three ladies, living in +different suburbs, would lose their pet dogs +and that I should know where to find them, +and should be enabled by the address on the +dog-collar to return each of the little darlings +to its owner. At the same time I put five +golden sovereigns on the table.</p> + +<p>‘ “Likely?” said James. “It’s a ruddy +certainty.” He then picked up the coins in +an absent-minded way and instructed me as +to details.</p> + +<p>‘Two days later, at an early hour in the +morning, I called on Lady Pingle at her +house at Epsom with her ladyship’s alleged +Pekingese under my arm. I told her how I +had found the poor little thing wandering on +Wimbledon Common late the night before +almost in a state of collapse, had given it food +and shelter, and had taken the earliest +opportunity to relieve her anxiety by its return.</p> + +<p>‘Her gratitude was almost frantic. She +kissed the dog ardently, and at one moment +I was almost afraid she was going to kiss me +too. She did not do that, but she did insist +on my breakfasting with her, and I accepted. +And let me tell that over-educated sybarite +Matthews, with his sneers at casual hospitality, +that he himself never breakfasted better.</p> + +<p>‘I lunched with Mrs Hastonbury at +her residence at Leatherhead. In this way +she showed her gratitude for the return of +“Bimby”—a chocolate-coloured Pom with a +short temper. But I must confess that she +was not nearly as quick off the mark as +Lady Pingle. I had to inquire about hotels in +the neighbourhood before she saw which way +her duty lay.</p> + +<p>‘The third dog that I had to deliver, a +mouldy little pug, belonged to the wife of a +curate living much nearer home. She was +grateful and she was hospitable. She said +that they never dined but that they were just +sitting down to high tea, and she hoped I +would join them. It was an evening meal +substituted for dinner, and I contend that I +am entitled to count it as dinner.’</p> + +<p>‘Kindly tell us what you had,’ said the +chairman.</p> + +<p>‘What? The internal evidence? Certainly. +I had cocoa, scrambled eggs, and +seed-cake. And I hope you will take a lenient +view of it.’</p> + +<p>‘Your hostess herself maintained that it +was not dinner, and the internal evidence, as +you call it, entirely supports her view. Your +career of crime will only give you a score of +two. The high tea is disallowed. I will now +call upon Major Byles.’</p> + +<p>‘The sacrifice that I made to luck on the +occasion of our last competition,’ said Major +Byles, ‘has brought me success at last. I +claim to be a winner, and await your decision +with confidence. It happened that two of my +friends both wanted a furnished house at +Brightgate for the winter, and did not want +the bother of going down to make their +selection. I saw my chance at once. I might +never have thought of it, but I didn’t miss it +when it was shoved at me. I said at once +that I was thinking of running down to +Brightgate for a day or two, and that it +always interested me to look over houses. +They told me their requirements and let me +take on the job for them.</p> + +<p>‘The house-agent at Brightgate had only +six houses on his books that were at all +suitable. He gave me orders to view, and I +started business at eight one morning. I +started badly.</p> + +<p>‘At the first house a proud but pretty +parlour-maid told me that it was not usual +to show furnished houses at that hour, but I +could call again at eleven. At the second +house there was only a caretaker. That left +me with, so to speak, four cartridges and +three birds to kill. I hurried on to the third +house, which was half a mile away. By a +bit of luck I met the owner on the doorstep, +and told him my alleged business.</p> + +<p>‘ “You’re very early,” he said. “Why, we +haven’t had breakfast yet.”</p> + +<p>‘ “No more have I,” I said. “But last +year I lost a good house through being too +late, and I thought I wouldn’t make the same +mistake again.”</p> + +<p>‘He was a genial old chap. He said the +best thing I could do was to come in and +breakfast with him, and by the time I had +finished the servants would have got the +bedrooms tidied up. I did my best to accept with +decent hesitation.</p> + +<p>‘At lunch-time I tried the fourth house +on my list and struck another caretaker. I +couldn’t afford another miss. I got lunch at +the fifth house, but I had to be no end +complimentary before I could get them up to +the point. In fact, it wasn’t till I told the +woman that her pimply-faced son was a fine +upstanding young fellow that she decided to +order the extra chop.</p> + +<p>‘But at the sixth house I had no trouble +about dinner. The owner turned out to be a +friend of a friend of mine. He fetched up a +bottle of the ’87 in my honour and insisted +on my stopping the night.</p> + +<p>‘They were all <i>pukka</i> meals, and all the +conditions were observed. Am I a winner, +Mr Chairman?’</p> + +<p>‘Certainly. Does anybody else claim to be a +winner?’</p> + +<p>‘I do,’ said Dr Alden. ‘The day before +yesterday a doctor rang me up and asked me +to see a patient of his—a woman with a +wealthy, devoted, and very nervous husband. +That was at eight in the morning. My car +happened to be at the door, and it suited me +to go right away. I saw the patient, was +able to reassure the husband, and had +breakfast with him. Later in the morning a man +was introduced to me who was interested in +old glass and had heard of me as a collector. +He was very keen that I should lunch with +him and see what he had got. He was a +pleasant chap and I accepted. When I got +back, a doctor, quite an old pal of mine, said +that he was going to take me to dine that +night with a man I had never seen before. +It seemed that the stranger had staying with +him for one night a French specialist in my +own line. The Frenchman was anxious to +meet me, and his host was anxious to please +him. So he had tried to arrange it through +a mutual friend. I was myself keen to meet +that Frenchman, and so he succeeded.</p> + +<p>‘Of course, I didn’t arrange all +this—couldn’t have arranged it. As a matter of +fact, I had never intended to compete this +time. But destiny decided to take a hand +in this competition. I claim to be a winner.’</p> + +<p>‘An interesting point,’ said the chairman. +‘Can a man be said to win who has never +competed? I shall decide in Dr Alden’s +favour. Leonard says nothing of intention. +He only demands certain facts. And these +facts the doctor by an amazing stroke of luck +has been able to provide. The prize of one +hundred and ten pounds will be divided +equally between him and Major Byles, unless +there is any further claim.’</p> + +<p>No further claim was forthcoming. The +chairman then announced that Mr Matthews +would preside at the next meeting, and read +out the problem set for the following month, +called ‘The Win-and-Lose Problem,’ and +there was a general feeling that it would take +some doing.</p> + +</div> + +<hr class="x-ebookmaker-drop"> + +<div class="chapter" id="ch04"> + +<h2>No. IV. <br> The Win-and-Lose Problem</h2> + +<p>At the forty-sixth meeting of the Problem +Club, the waiters having left the room, +Mr Matthews, smiling and rubicund, took +his place as chairman. He finished his glass +of an old and veritable cognac, lit with care +and a cedar-wood spill a cigar that can only +be obtained by the favour of the planter, and +read out the terms of the Win-and-Lose +Problem.</p> + +<p>‘It is required to win an even bet of one +pound, resulting in a net loss of one pound +to the winner; and to lose an even bet of +one pound resulting in a net gain of one pound +to the loser. No competitor is to make more +than two bets.’</p> + +<p>‘Well, gentlemen,’ said Mr Matthews, +‘I’m supposed to make one or two preliminary +observations. Now here’s a thing that strikes +me. You may remember that when we +tackled the Kiss Problem, our reverend friend +Mr Cunliffe said that it revealed the artful +Leonard as an apostle of morality. Of course, +the padre took the jack-pot on that occasion, +and so he may have been prejudiced, but it +looks to me now as if he may have been right. +See for yourselves. You’ve got to win a +bet and lose money by it, and then you’ve +got to lose a bet and make money by it, and +at the end of it you’re left just where you +were when you started. There’s not much +deadly fascination and excitement about +that—why, it’s enough to make you lose your +taste for gambling.</p> + +<p>‘Yes, and there’s one more point. I +noticed a good deal of preoccupation at +dinner to-night. Very few of you seemed +to be putting your heart into the work, and +I believe I was the only man who had the +<i>vol-au-vent</i> brought back to him for further +reference. Great mistake that of yours. +Some of you tried to work out sums on the +back of your menus. I detected Major Byles, +with corrugated brows, in the act of making +pencil calculations on the tablecloth. Yes, +there’s not a doubt that Leonard has given +you a worrying time, and some of you were +wrestling with it right up to the last moment. +It won’t surprise me if there’s not a winner +among the whole lot of you. However, +we’ll begin with a likely chance. You, Sir +Charles, have got a reputation as a learned +man; can I ask the secretary to draw a +cheque in your favour?’</p> + +<p>‘I’d be sorry to stop you,’ said Sir Charles, +‘but I’m afraid I can’t claim it. Archæology +don’t help with arithmetic. As an eminent +classical scholar once observed, I’ve not got +the low cunning that makes a mathematician. +The only thing I could think of was to insure +the chances of each bet appropriately, but +it seemed to me that you would regard such +insurance as being in itself a bet.’</p> + +<p>‘I certainly should. You don’t change +a thing by changing its name. You are +limited to the two bets, and I shall not allow +four even if you call two of them insurance. +Come now, Jimmy, have you profited +sufficiently by your racing experiences to have +won the prize to-night?’</p> + +<p>‘Profited by my racing experiences?’ said +the Hon. James Feldane wearily. ‘If you’d +go and talk to the bank that has charge of +my overdraft you wouldn’t use words like +those. But backing horses, though it’s a +mug’s game, is, at any rate, easy. There are +too many complications in Leonard’s fancy +work for a simple child of Nature like myself. +I can’t engineer a two-cylinder gamble with +a double back-jump actuated by the +cam-shaft. The only man I know who could face +it without mental overstrain is my +bookmaker. He’s a wonder. He’d give you +fifteen different ways of perforating this +problem inside a minute. No juggle with figures +can beat him. I don’t know if you’d call +it a talent or a disease, but I’ve not got it. +As a competitor, I’ve failed, but I don’t +mind admitting that I’ve made a little actual +money out of the competition.’ Jimmy smiled +reminiscently.</p> + +<p>‘May we have the details?’ asked the +chairman.</p> + +<p>‘I’d sooner you got them from Hesseltine.’</p> + +<p>The chairman called upon Mr Hesseltine.</p> + +<p>‘I don’t wonder,’ said that young man, +‘that Jimmy don’t like to tell you. If I’d +stolen money from a crossing-sweeper in +St James’s Street I shouldn’t be proud of +it myself. The silly ass thinks he’s scored +off me, but as I was out to lose a quid +anyhow——’</p> + +<p>‘May we have the actual facts?’ +suggested the chairman.</p> + +<p>‘Certainly. I was thinking about this +problem and I got a sudden brain-wave. I +saw how to do the first half—to win a bet +of a pound that would leave me one pound +down when I’d won it. Well, I happened +to be going up St James’s Street with Jimmy +later that morning, and by way of leading +up to it I asked him what he generally gave +to a street-beggar. “Nix,” he said. “What +do you?” So I told him that I generally +gave a sovereign. He told me in his coarse +sort of way that he didn’t believe it. That +was what I had expected. “All right,” I +said, “I’ll bet you a pound that I give two +golden sovereigns to the next beggar or +crossing-sweeper I come across.” He thought +about it and then said: “I’ll take that, and +to guard against accidents I’ll be the next +beggar. Give me a little assistance, kind +sir?”</p> + +<p>‘Of course, in that way he put himself +on velvet. Whether I decided to win my +bet or to lose it, Jimmy had to make one +sovereign out of me. Didn’t affect me at +all, for according to Leonard I’d got to win +my bet and lose a pound by it, which I did. +The only person hit was the crossing-sweeper +up the street, who would otherwise have made +two quid. Of course, what I ought to have +done was to have handed Jimmy over to the +police for begging—wish I’d thought of it.</p> + +<p>‘Well, I negotiated the first half of the +problem, but the second half beat me. I’m +inclined to think the sting of the beast is in +its tail. It takes two people to make a bet. +I’m not a poet or any sort of imaginative +chap, but I could think of a bet which for +a dead certainty it would pay me to lose. I +couldn’t think of anybody, even including +that rotter Jimmy, who would be fool enough +to take it. You must try somebody else, +Mr Chairman.’</p> + +<p>‘Major Byles?’ the chairman suggested.</p> + +<p>‘As a head-waiter,’ said the Major, ‘I’ve +got nothing against Leonard. As a setter of +problems he’s given general satisfaction, but +this time I should like to back my bill to the +effect that he has mixed up too much +arithmetic with the sport. I’ve spent a month +on this win-and-lose business, all the time +with the feeling that a boy fresh from school +would work out the whole thing on the back +of an envelope in ten minutes, and I’ve done +nothing. I spent the first fortnight at home, +and at the end of it I had contracted insomnia, +headache, and what you might call pardonable +irritability. At the end of that time +my wife said that of course she had noticed +the change, and that I seemed to be doing +sums all day, and that if we were ruined I +had better say so and she would face it +bravely. I reassured her and came to town +on important business. I used tons of the +club notepaper for my calculations, put an +undue strain on the club wastepaper-baskets, +quarrelled with two of my best friends, was +sarcastic in addressing club servants, and +am expecting a letter from the committee to +ask for my resignation. The amazing thing +is that all the time I have been on the very +point of getting the solution. In my opinion +it’s the most horribly worrying thing that +Leonard has ever given us.’</p> + +<p>‘Well,’ said the chairman, ‘artists are +not generally supposed to be particularly +strong at arithmetic, but I’ll ask Mr +Wildersley what he’s done about it.’</p> + +<p>‘Can’t say I agree with the Major,’ said +Wildersley. ‘I call it a jolly easy problem, +and I claim to be a winner. It didn’t take +me any time to think of it, either. I got a +man into my studio, to see alleged works of art, +and I said to him that I would bet him a +pound I would give him two pounds. He +took me. “You’ve lost,” I said. “Pay +up, and then I’ll pay up.” He handed me +a sovereign and I handed him two pounds +of potatoes in a paper bag. So I’d won a +pound in money and lost two pounds in +potatoes. If you win one pound and lose two, +that makes a net loss of one pound on the +transaction, and so I’d done the first half of +the problem.</p> + +<p>‘The chap seemed to be grumbling rather. +“What’s the matter with you?” I said. +“The green-grocer told me that they were +the kind he eats himself, and that he could +guarantee them.”</p> + +<p>‘ “I don’t want the beastly potatoes,” he +said. “The whole thing’s a dirty swindle.” +I thought he’d say that. So I told him that +it was no swindle and I would be quite willing +to take the same bet myself. He jumped at +it, but to make sure he said he would bet me +a sovereign he would give me two pounds. +I took him, lost, paid the sovereign, and got +back my two pounds of potatoes. That +finished the second half of the problem. I’d +lost a bet of one pound, and had made two +pounds, giving a net gain of one pound. +Naturally he wanted to know what I had +done it for, and I said it was to stop him from +trying to talk about art—the chap’s a critic.’</p> + +<p>Mr Matthews took two minutes and a +brandy-and-soda before giving his decision +as follows:—</p> + +<p>‘Ingenious, but it won’t do. Mr Wildersley +professes to have subtracted money +to the value of a sovereign from two pounds +by weight of potatoes, and to have got a +result of one pound. Of what did that pound +consist? Even after dinner we can’t have +mental confusion of this kind. The claim +is disallowed.’</p> + +<p>Mr Harding Pope, M.P., made an +uninteresting confession of failure, and the +chairman then called upon Mr Quillian, K.C., +who was acting as secretary for the evening.</p> + +<p>Mr Quillian removed his pince-nez and +glanced round the room with that look of amiable +superiority that some people found irritating.</p> + +<p>‘I claim to have won this fairly simple +competition,’ he said. ‘Of course, it has a +psychological as well as an arithmetical side; +the bets have to be actually made and not +merely worked out on paper. I made my +plan one afternoon, and then went over to +my club to see if I could find my friend +Blenkinsop. He is generally at the club at +that hour, and I felt sure that he would accept +the two bets that I had to propose.</p> + +<p>‘Well, as it happened, Blenkinsop was +not at the club, but I found Mr Pusely-Smythe +alone in the smaller reading-room. +I’ve had to submit to a good deal of +chaff—not particularly amusing—from +Pusely-Smythe, and by way of return it seemed +appropriate that he should help me to win +our one hundred and ten pound prize. Also, +if he will forgive me for saying so, he has just +the commonplace shrewdness that I required +in my victim.</p> + +<p>‘After a little preliminary conversation, +I produced my sovereign-case. I told him +that there was a certain sum of money in +gold in that case, and that I was willing to +bet him a sovereign I would make him a +present of it. He said, as I knew he would, +that this meant that the sum of money in +the case was half a sovereign, and that in +consequence he would lose ten shillings on +the transaction if he took the bet.</p> + +<p>‘ “Yes,” I said, “there is that possibility, +but I am willing to protect you against it +by a second bet. We will agree that the +loser by the first transaction shall have the +option to give the other man double what +he has lost for double the sum now in my +sovereign-case. And I will bet you a sovereign +that he will not exercise that option. You +see how it works out. If the sum in my +sovereign-case is half a sovereign, as you +suppose, you will lose ten shillings on the +first transaction, but you will win a sovereign +on the second transaction by exercising an +option to exchange twenty shillings for twenty +shillings.”</p> + +<p>‘Without taking the time to think, he +accepted both bets. I then opened my +sovereign-case and showed him that it +contained two pounds. I gave them to him, +and as by so doing I had won my bet he +gave me one of them back again. Kindly +observe that I had now solved the first part +of Leonard’s problem. I had won an even bet +of one pound the net result of which was +that I had lost a pound. Having made myself +the loser on the first transaction, I now had +the option to exchange twice my loss against +twice the sum that had been in the +sovereign-case—that is, to exchange two pounds for +four pounds. I had bet that the loser would +not exercise this option. I lost the bet and +exercised the option. Thus, I lost an even +bet of one pound with the net result that I +made one pound. This settles the second half +of the problem. I await, sir, with confidence, +your decision in my favour.’</p> + +<p>Mr Matthews referred once more to the +terms of the problem. ‘Yes,’ he said, ‘it +seems to me that you have met all Leonard’s +requirements. Very smart bit of work, in +my opinion. You take the club cheque for +one hundred and ten pounds, unless, of +course, some claim to share it with you is +substantiated. Is there any such claim?’</p> + +<p>‘Naturally, there’s mine,’ said Pusely-Smythe, +with his deceptive air of melancholy.</p> + +<p>‘Yours? How did you do it?’</p> + +<p>‘My learned friend has just been telling +you. I was going away for a brief and +well-earned holiday, and I had decided to give +the competition a miss this time. As I was +sitting in the club, studying a guide-book, +in came Quillian looking like a thimble-rigger +who has just set up his little plush-covered +table. He offered me his first bet. +I put it aside. He offered the second, and +he says I didn’t take time to think. Thought +with me does not take the prolonged period +of gestation that it does in the case of the +nobler animals, such as K.C.’s. I thought +two thoughts. The first was that Quillian +was out after this competition. The second +was that when two men gamble together +what one wins the other loses and vice versa. +That was enough. I took him. He won the +first bet but lost a pound by it. It follows +that I lost the first bet but won a pound by +it. Similarly, when he lost the bet but won +a pound I won the bet and lost a pound. +It’s all very simple and elementary. I hope +he’s going to make a victim of me again +soon. This time without any effort on my +part he has shoved fifty-five pounds at me. +I’ve only had to take it. And I don’t care +whether it was benevolence or mental +short-sightedness—I’m going to thank him just +the same.’</p> + +<p>‘The claim’s allowed, of course,’ said the +chairman. ‘The thing that makes me mad +is that I didn’t see it myself until you pointed +it out. It’s obvious. It simply shrieks at +you. My mind must be going.’</p> + +<p>‘The menu that you devised for our dinner +to-night, sir,’ said Pusely-Smythe, ‘was +sufficient proof of the contrary. Those that +study the recondite must sometimes find the +obvious out of their focus.’</p> + +<p>‘Thank you,’ said Mr Matthews. ‘I’ll learn +the last sentence by heart—it’ll make a ripping +excuse next time I do a dam’ silly thing.’</p> + +<p>Cheques were drawn for Quillian and +Pusely-Smythe, and the chairman then opened +the envelope containing the problem that +Leonard had set for the following month. +It was entitled ‘The Handkerchief Problem,’ +and on the face of it scarcely supported the +theory that the ingenious Leonard was a +Great Moral Teacher. The Hon. James +Feldane was reminded that it would be his +duty to preside on the next occasion and to +adjudicate on this problem, which was as +follows: ‘It is required to steal as many +handkerchiefs as possible from a member or +members of the Problem Club. Violence +may not be used and thefts detected in the +act will not score. Restitution will be made +of the stolen handkerchiefs within twenty-four +hours of the adjudication, but felonious +intent is to be presumed in every case.’</p> + +<p>‘Rotten luck,’ said Feldane, to his friend, +Hesseltine. ‘I should have enjoyed working +on this problem. It appeals to my natural +instincts. I should probably have won it, +and in that case might have given one or +two of them something on account. And +so this has to be the occasion when I’m shut +out of the competition and have to act as +chairman.’</p> + +<p>‘Yes,’ said Hesseltine. ‘Nobody’s so sure +of himself as the non-starter.’</p> + +</div> + +<hr class="x-ebookmaker-drop"> + +<div class="chapter" id="ch05"> + +<h2>No. V. <br> The Handkerchief Problem</h2> + +<p>At the forty-seventh meeting of the Problem +Club, the chair was taken by the youngest +member, the Hon. James Feldane. That +weary young gentleman having provided himself +with a double portion of green Chartreuse, +for the purpose, as he said, of supporting +the dignity of the position, opened his +adjudication a little informally.</p> + +<p>‘Let’s get started,’ he said. ‘The first +job is to read out the particular teaser with +which the wily Leonard has been worrying +you poor old things during the past month. +Here goes.’</p> + +<p>The terms of the Handkerchief Problem +were then read out. They were as follows: +‘It is required to steal as many handkerchiefs +as possible from a member or members of the +Problem Club. Violence may not be used +and thefts detected in the act will not score. +Restitution will be made of the stolen +handkerchiefs within twenty-four hours of the +adjudication, but felonious intent is to be +presumed in every case.’</p> + +<p>‘I wish I could have been a competitor +this time,’ the chairman continued, ‘instead +of being stuck up here to give the momentous +decision. I should have had some sport, +and handkerchief-sneaking falls nicely within +my line of intellect; I might have scooped +the prize. But as I’m debarred from scoring +off you, I’ve taken jolly good care that none +of you should score off me. For the past +month every handkerchief I’ve used has +been attached to the interior of the pocket +by a steel chain and swivel, and those not +in use have been locked away in a safe. +My valet thinks I’ve gone off my head, of +course, but then he’d have been bound to +have thought that sooner or later, anyhow. +The great point is that not one of you low +pickpockets has been able to get a +handkerchief out of me. We’ll now pursue the +inquiry. Hesseltine, are you guilty or not +guilty?’</p> + +<p>‘Guilty, m’lord,’ said young Hesseltine +cheerfully. ‘I may not be winner, but I +think it would be safe to back me for a place. +I struck early. At our last meeting, as soon +as this problem was announced, I slipped +stealthily and unobserved from the room. I +had rightly concluded that there would be no +attendant in the cloak-room at that hour. +If there had been I should have sent him +away to get me a box of matches. From +the overcoats of members I secured a nice +little haul of nine handkerchiefs. One of +them, a silk bandanna, the property of Major +Byles, was big enough for two, and ought to +count as two.’</p> + +<p>‘Might count two on a division, as they +say at the elections,’ said the chairman. ‘But +in the undivided state it counts one. +Anything further to say?’</p> + +<p>‘That was my only <i>coup</i>. The only thing +to add is that one of the nine belonged to a +gentleman who did not start keeping them +in the safe quite soon enough.’</p> + +<p>‘All right,’ said Jimmy. ‘Speaking entirely +<i>sotto voce</i> and <i>ex officio</i>, I’ll be even with +you for that one of these days. Meanwhile, +Mr Matthews, it will be your painful duty +as secretary to give that thief a score of nine.’</p> + +<p>The chairman then called upon Mr Quillian, +K.C., whose story was connected with the +story of Mr Pusely-Smythe. In both cases +it was a story of failure. Both men had hit +on precisely the same idea.</p> + +<p>Quillian called on Pusely-Smythe at a time +when he knew he would be out, but would +be expected back shortly. He, as he +anticipated, was recognised by the servant and +asked if he would wait. During the period +of waiting Quillian made a swift and silent +excursion to Pusely-Smythe’s bedroom with +a view to abstracting his available store of +handkerchiefs. But the chairman was not +the only member who had taken the precaution +of keeping his handkerchiefs in an +unlikely place. Not one solitary handkerchief +could Quillian find. And while he +was thus engaged Pusely-Smythe had been +calling on Quillian with similar intentions, +similar practice, and a similar result.</p> + +<p>‘You’re both too clever to live,’ observed +the chairman, ‘but you’ve cancelled one +another for once. Mr Harding Pope, as a +politician, you should be familiar with the +paths of dishonesty. How did you get +on?’</p> + +<p>The Member of Parliament gave a +somewhat sickly smile.</p> + +<p>‘I fear,’ he said, ‘that I have not competed. +I represent a Dissenting constituency, +which is careful—almost to the point of being +inquisitorial—as to my character and private +life. Had I competed, it is easily possible +that I might have been arrested. I could +have explained, but all explanations come +too late. It would have done me great +injury. In the circumstances I have decided +to resign my membership of this club, and +my resignation will be in the chairman’s +hands at the next meeting. I have enjoyed +these meetings immensely, but I have +been—and am likely to be—too often debarred +from taking an active part in the competition +as a member should. The delightful but +unscrupulous Leonard asks too much of me. +Should I ever find myself in a position of +greater freedom and less responsibility, I +shall certainly crave the honour of +re-election.’</p> + +<p>‘Sorry,’ said the chairman. ‘I’m sure +we all are. But the rules of the club do +require that members shall be workers and +not merely onlookers. If ever the political +cat jumps the other way, and you’re thrown +out of Westminster into the cold, cold night, +I make no doubt that at the first vacancy we +shall welcome the lost sheep back to the nest. +I will now call upon Major Byles.’</p> + +<p>The Major lived in the country. There +were unusually good golf links in the +neighbourhood, and he was both a good player and +a good host. He had used his opportunities +as he explained.</p> + +<p>‘I worked on a system. I waited till my +man was absolutely wrapped up in the game, +meanwhile locating his handkerchief carefully. +Then, at the moment when he was following +the ball with the eye, I put in some swift +finger-work. It was not always successful. +The Doctor, for instance, bowled me out +twice—he’s got eyes in the back of his head. +But I got six handkerchiefs that way, and a +seventh from a rain-coat that had been left +in my hall. I’ve good reason to know that +I’m not a winner, but it’s not bad—eh?’</p> + +<p>‘A good sporting game,’ said the chairman. +‘These thefts from the person ought +really to count more than easy +overcoat-shots. They want more dexterity. The +others only require brain-work. Still, I have +to administer the law as Leonard lays it +down. So far Hesseltine wins.’</p> + +<p>‘But he won’t win,’ said the Major +mysteriously. ‘Oh, yes, I’ve got good reason to +know it.’ And he proceeded to compound +for himself a due measure of whisky and +seltzer-water.</p> + +<p>Dr Alden, who was next called upon, +could claim a score of only two. But so far +as it went, it was brilliant and audacious +work. One of the handkerchiefs had been +taken from Sir Charles Bunford and one from +Mr Matthews, and in both cases the theft +had been committed in Piccadilly in broad +daylight and under the eyes of the police.</p> + +<p>‘It’s clear where your real talent lies,’ +said Jimmy. ‘You’re wasted in Harley +Street. However, time’s getting on, and a +few bad men would like a rubber of bridge +before we part. Will any member who claims +to have beaten Hesseltine’s score kindly hold +up a hand?’</p> + +<p>The Rev. Septimus Cunliffe and Mr +Wildersley, A.R.A., both held up hands.</p> + +<p>‘What?’ said the chairman. ‘Our padre +in the sneak-thief business? Has he no +respect for his cloth? Leonard has a lot to +answer for. However, we will hear you, +Mr Cunliffe.’</p> + +<figure> + <img src="images/illus5.jpg" alt="Three gentlemen in a smoking-room, + smoking and drinking. One man is wearing a clerical vest and + collar; the other two are dressed in tuxedo dinner suits and + have monocles. One man is speaking, addressing the room at + large. He leans casually against a table upon which can be seen + a cigar box, a whisky bottle, and drinking glasses."> + <figcaption>‘ “Has he no respect for his cloth?” ’</figcaption> +</figure> + +<p>‘Leonard,’ said that broad-minded cleric +in his sonorous voice, ‘has once more revealed +himself as a great moralist. He has shown +us that the thief, a bad man, must none the +less have good qualities, and has taught us to +differentiate the good from the bad. The +spirit of adventure, the clever planning, the +manual dexterity displayed by the thief, are +all worthy of praise. It is solely to his +felonious intentions that we should take exception. +Leonard has expressly provided that for the +purposes of this competition the felonious +intentions are to be purely imaginary; they +are to be supposed. Consequently, I could +approach the problem with a clear conscience. +And I admit that in compiling a score of +fourteen my cloth has been of assistance. +Suspicion does not attach readily to a man +in clerical attire.</p> + +<p>‘To proceed to my story, one Saturday, +early in the month, I had been down to play +golf with our friend, the Major. (By the +way, you’ll send me back my handkerchief, +Major. Already in the post? Thanks.) On +leaving his house I noticed at the back entrance +a laundry van, in charge of a sleepy-looking +rustic. The name and address of the laundry +were proclaimed on the van in large letters. +My knowledge of the country showed me that +in approaching the Major’s house that van +would pass an inn called the Royal George, +at a distance of two miles from the house, +and a turning to the railway-station at a +distance of one mile. That made everything +easy. On the following Saturday I was on +that road three miles from the house. My +boots were dusty and I looked as tired as I +could. I waited till the van came along, +hailed it, and asked the driver to give me a +lift as far as the station turning. He was not +averse to making an extra shilling, and I +climbed up. For the first mile I was talking +to the man and making friends with him. +When we reached The Royal George I +suggested that a pint at my expense would +not come amiss to him, and that I would +look after the horse while he was inside. He +was good enough to say that I was a parson +after his own heart, and handed me the reins. +The horse did not need any looking after; it +was not that kind of horse. In the interior +of the van I explored a laundry basket, and +annexed fourteen of the Major’s handkerchiefs. +(I have left them in the cloak-room for you, +Major.) When the driver came out I was +holding the reins and looking pensive. I +stepped off at the station turning. What is +your decision, Mr Chairman?’</p> + +<p>‘Brainy piece of work, and a fair score of +fourteen. My idea was that nobody would +get beyond fifteen. Did you beat that, +Wildersley?’</p> + +<p>That large but child-like artist smiled. ‘I +claim a score of one hundred and forty-four.’</p> + +<p>‘Gee-whizz! I didn’t know there were +so many handkerchiefs in the world. Which +members did you get them from?’</p> + +<p>‘I got the whole lot from you, in spite of +the steel chain and the locked safe.’</p> + +<p>‘But I’ve not got as many. It’s an +impossibility. However, let’s have the yarn.’</p> + +<p>‘You’ll find it’s all right, Mr Chairman. +You young men are so careless that you don’t +know what you’ve got. Some time ago I +had to execute a Deed of Gift—making over +a rotten-cotton picture of mine to a provincial +gallery. Up to that time I didn’t know the +difference between a Deed of Gift and a hole +in a wall, but you learn things as you go +on living. When this problem was set, I saw +that by a Deed of Gift and a small investment +I could do myself good. My first step was +to buy twelve dozen handkerchiefs—top +quality and deucedly expensive. I had a +monogram of the chairman’s initials +excellently designed by myself and embroidered +by the shop on all those handkerchiefs. +This having been done, I collected my parcel +of lingerie and went off to my solicitor, who +is of the old-established, eighteen-carat type. +I told him what I wanted, and the shock +nearly killed him. When he got better I +explained that it was a joke, but that it was +essential in order to get the laugh that the +Deed of Gift making over the handkerchiefs +should be all correct, water-tight, and +copper-bottomed. He does not understand jokes +and will believe anything about them. So +he engineered me a lovely Deed. I then +addressed the parcel to the Hon. James +Feldane, and went off with it in a taxi to +Jimmy’s place. I deposited the parcel, with +the address downwards, on a chair in the hall, +and put my overcoat and hat on the top of it. +I then went in and had a few words with +Jimmy about a bridge-problem. I had now +made the handkerchiefs Jimmy’s property by +Deed of Gift. I had delivered them at his +residence. It only remained to steal them, +and that was easy. It’s always easier to +steal a thing if the owner doesn’t know he’s +got it. Besides, as it was half-past eleven in +the morning, Jimmy’s costume consisted of +a bath-gown, a Turkish cigarette, and a bad +headache, which excused him from coming +out into the hall with me when I left. I +picked up my hat and coat, and a parcel +containing one hundred and forty-four +handkerchiefs, the property of the chairman, and +went off. He will find the parcel returned +to him when he gets home to-night. And I +should like his decision.’</p> + +<p>‘Much obliged to you, Wildersley. It’s +ironical that I can make a bit, as long as I’m +not competing. All the same, the decision +must be held up a moment. The fact that +you’ve provided me with more handkerchiefs +than I shall ever use this side of the silent +tomb might influence my judicial mind. I +must have a second opinion—counsel’s. Will +Mr Quillian kindly give us his views on this +claim.’</p> + +<p>‘I don’t usually give opinions in this +off-hand way,’ said Mr Quillian, ‘but on this +occasion I have really no doubt. The Deed, +sir, was duly executed, so we are informed. +The goods in question were bona-fide intended +to become your property, and have in fact +become so. They were delivered at your +residence. In the absence of felonious intent +I should say that they had not been stolen, +but the terms of the problem state that +felonious intent is to be presumed. Your +ignorance of the whole transaction does not +seem to me to affect it. In your place, sir, +I should have no hesitation in finding the +claim good—and I only wish I had thought +of the idea myself—I ought to have done.’</p> + +<p>‘Thank you, Mr Quillian. Then I decide +that Wildersley is the winner. Mr Matthews, +will you please draw the usual cheque to +Mr Wildersley’s order?’</p> + +<p>This having been done, and the chairman +for the next meeting appointed, Jimmy opened +the sealed envelope containing the problem +that Leonard, the astute head-waiter, had set +for the ensuing month.</p> + +<p>Jimmy read it to himself first. ‘Well,’ +he said, ‘this is a new line of country. This +is somewhat of a sensation. It’s called the +Identity Problem, and runs as follows: “It +is required to discover the identity of Leonard. +The use of professional detectives, and any +communication with Leonard himself on the +subject of this problem, are forbidden.” ’</p> + +<p>‘I always knew,’ said Hesseltine, with +conviction, ‘that chap was no ordinary +head-waiter.’</p> + +<p>And it appeared that several other members, +who also had forgotten to mention it before, +had always been of the same opinion.</p> + +</div> + +<hr class="x-ebookmaker-drop"> + +<div class="chapter" id="ch06"> + +<h2>No. VI. <br> The Identity Problem</h2> + +<p>The Rev. Septimus Cunliffe took the chair +at the forty-eighth meeting of the Problem +Club. The problem which Leonard, the +astute head-waiter, had set the members to +solve during the preceding month was simply +the discovery of his own identity; and +competitors were debarred from communicating +with Leonard himself or from employing +detectives in its solution.</p> + +<p>Mr Cunliffe, with a pardonable enjoyment +of his own excellent elocution, read out the +terms of the problem in tones that almost +made it a drama. And the few introductory +remarks that usually fell from the chairman +became in his case almost an address. True, +the occasion furnished him with some excuse.</p> + +<p>‘Gentlemen,’ he said, ‘with this meeting +the Problem Club brings to a close the fourth +year of its existence. The idea of the club, +as I dare say most of you are aware, originated +in the imaginative brain of Lord Herngill, +and of the original members there are still +three left us—Sir Charles Bunford, Major +Byles, and Mr Matthews. The eccentric +nobleman who was our founder did not +himself long remain a member. Broken in +health and, as I understand, suffering from +private disappointments, he relinquished his +clubs and retired altogether from society. +He spent the remainder of his days on his +Yorkshire estate, shut out from the world +and even denying himself the companionship +of old friends. It was only a few months +ago that his death was announced in the +newspapers. A somewhat gloomy subject, +gentlemen, but it seemed to me fitting that +on this occasion we should recall with +gratitude the name of our founder.</p> + +<p>‘Now for the first two years of the club’s +existence the monthly problem was always +provided by the member whose duty it would +be to adjudicate on it. But during the second +year it was found that this did not work +well. Some of the members had not sufficient +readiness of invention. Others did not show +sufficient discretion. Our minutes of that +period show some problems, I grieve to say, +that can only be described as scandalous. +Under these circumstances a member, Mr +Barstairs, since dead, was deputed to find +for us some able and trustworthy person +who, for a small honorarium, would act as +our setter of problems. At the next meeting +he announced that he had selected Leonard, +who had then just become head-waiter here.</p> + +<p>‘The selection of a head-waiter for the +purpose seemed to some of us—certainly to +myself—fantastic, more especially as Barstairs +offered no explanation at all. But, we must +admit, fantasy plays some part in the spirit +of the club, and no formal objection was +raised. Time has shown that Barstairs had +reason in his fantasy. Leonard has given +us every satisfaction. Whoever he may be, +I think that we are agreed on one point—that +he possesses qualities unusual in a +head-waiter.</p> + +<p>‘In fact, gentlemen, the news that I am +about to give you will, I am sure, be received +with regret. I have a letter from Leonard +in which he tells me that after eleven to-night +he will cease to be in the service of the hotel, +and will no longer be available as our +problem-setter. He offers, if it would be any +convenience to us, to name a successor whose +ability and discretion he can guarantee +absolutely. I may add that it is a very +properly-expressed and respectful letter.</p> + +<p>‘The appointment of a successor may, I +think, be considered later. Let us now +proceed to the adjudication of the current +competition. I confess that if I personally +had to find out who Leonard is, I should +not, under the conditions imposed, know how +to begin. However, I have great confidence +in the ingenuity of the ten members before +me—there would have been eleven but for +Harding Pope’s resignation.’</p> + +<p>The chairman’s confidence was misplaced. +Every member had made an attempt to +solve the problem, but every one had failed. +Several of them had hit on the expedient +of following Leonard when he left the hotel. +The Hon. James Feldane, for example, had +hit on it, and recounted his failure.</p> + +<p>‘I lay up in a taxi a few yards from the +door of this place, where I could get a good +view. Presently out came Leonard, and I +might very easily have missed him, for I +was expecting him to bob up from the basement, +and he came out of the main entrance. +He was well turned out, and looked rather +less like a head-waiter than I do myself. +He called up a taxi and got in. Off he went, +and off I went after him, my driver having +been instructed. We drove, as near as I +can guess, for about umpty-ump hours. I +know I began to wonder if my cigarettes +would last out the trip. Then my cab slowed +down to a crawl, and I looked cautiously +from the window. Leonard’s cab had stopped +in front of a mouldy-looking place with big +gilt letters on it. He overpaid his cabman—I +heard the words, “Thank you,” distinctly—ran +up the steps, rang a bell, and entered. +I got out.</p> + +<p>‘ “Cabby,” I said, “where are we? Is +this the hereafter?”</p> + +<p>‘ “No, sir,” he said. “Looks like it, but +it’s really Brixton.”</p> + +<p>‘The big gilt letters informed me that +Leonard had entered the Beaulieu Temperance +Hotel. I pushed the push, and the door +was half opened to me by an Italian waiter +with the darkest eyes and hands I ever saw. +I could catch a glimpse of a small hall +furnished with a good deal of dust and a stand +for hats and coats. I spotted Leonard’s +excellent hat and overcoat thereon. The +waiter looked at me suspiciously. I got +right on to the point at once.</p> + +<p>‘ “I want,” I said, “the name and address +of the gentleman who came in here just now, +and I’ll pay a sovereign for it.”</p> + +<p>‘He seemed to understand the argument. +In a minute he was back with the name and +address and the information that the gentleman +was stopping there for only one night. +He got his sovereign. The name he gave +was Leonard, and the address was the address +of this hotel. I may have been more annoyed +in the course of my life, but I doubt it. So +I made the weary journey back again, had +a light supper of one whisky and soda, and +went to bed.’</p> + +<p>Mr Matthews had followed Leonard on +foot to the Ritz. Mr Quillian had tracked +him to a desperate hostelry in the far north +of London. Major Byles had pursued him +to an hotel in Wimbledon. They ascertained +that he spent a night at each one of these +three places, but they added nothing else to +their knowledge of him.</p> + +<p>Sir Charles Bunford had been no more +successful, but he had a curious story to tell. +He had met Leonard by chance in St James’s +Street one night at half-past eleven. There +was nothing in Leonard’s dress or bearing +that suggested anything less than complete +independence. Sir Charles felt certain that +he himself had not been recognised, turned, +and followed him.</p> + +<p>‘He led me,’ Sir Charles recounted, ‘up +through the squares to Oxford Street, where +he turned west. Just then there came +shuffling along in the gutter towards us a +street-vendor with a tray of little toys slung from +his shoulders. He gave me the impression +of an old man. Leonard and he both stopped. +I also stopped, making a pretence of lighting +a cigarette. They were both in the full +light of a street lamp, and I had a close view +of them. Leonard picked up from the tray +a little monkey of blue plush mounted on a +pin. Deliberately and without a smile he +stuck the monkey in the gutter-merchant’s +battered bowler. Then he took out his notecase, +produced a fiver, and spread it on the +tray, and walked on. During this curious +incident neither of the men spoke. As you +may imagine, I tackled the street-vendor at +once.</p> + +<p>‘ “You’re in luck,” I said. “Did you +know that customer?”</p> + +<p>‘He folded his fiver and slipped it into an +inner pocket. He looked at me shrewdly, +and I noticed that his eyes were young. His +voice when he spoke was quite young. And +it was the voice of an educated man too.</p> + +<p>‘ “Which of us,” he said, “can say that +he knows the other—or even that he knows +himself?”</p> + +<p>‘ “Come,” I said. “I think you can tell +me what I want to know. And two fivers +are better than one.”</p> + +<p>‘ “That is so—to some people at some +times—but not to Mr William Bunting, +the editor of <i>The Pig-Keepers’ Friend</i>, at +this time. I will wish you good-night, Sir +Charles.”</p> + +<p>‘And he walked off briskly without a +trace of the old slouch. How he knew my +name I can’t tell you, for certainly Leonard, +even if he knew I was following, never said +a word to him. The man left me staggered. +I rushed off again after Leonard, but I had +lost him. That is all I have to tell, and I +have given you the facts accurately as they +happened. I was both sane and sober at the +time—but if you doubt that, upon my word +I can’t be surprised.’</p> + +<p>The failure was general. Dr Alden had +interviewed the proprietor of the hotel, who +was most courteous, but, in the doctor’s +opinion, lied in his profession of ignorance. +Mr Pusely-Smythe got hold of one of the +other waiters who appeared perfectly willing +to betray anybody on the most moderate +terms, but, unfortunately, had no information +to impart.</p> + +<p>‘Well,’ said the chairman, ‘I must decide +that the problem has not been solved. The +prize for it not being awarded, the prize for +the next competition is doubled. We have +now to obtain the solution of the problem +from the wily Leonard himself, and at the +same time he is required to show us that +the problem was possible of solution by us. +It is now twenty to eleven and presumably +Leonard leaves this hotel at eleven; so we +have not much time to spare. If you, Mr +Quillian, will unlock the doors and ring +the bell, I will tell the waiter that we should +be glad to see Leonard for a few minutes.’</p> + +<p>But it was Leonard himself who answered +the bell. He was a tall young man of good +figure. He had not the stereotyped version +of good looks, but his face was pleasing and +full of humour and intelligence. He carried +himself well. His dress was unsuited to +the occasion, for he wore a well-cut lounge-suit +of dark-blue cloth, and his brown, laced +boots suggested a product of Bond Street +intended for use in the country. There +was no trace of a waiter about him. His +manner was easy, confident without being +assuming, and marked just by that touch +of restraint that a man might show on first +introduction to a number of his equals.</p> + +<p>‘Well, Leonard,’ said the chairman, ‘we +were on the point of sending for you. Your +problem has beaten us. Can you show us +how we might have solved it, and provide +us with the solution?’</p> + +<p>‘Certainly,’ said Leonard. ‘I’d rather +expected that I should be wanted.’</p> + +<p>‘Good. Now sit down, won’t you? We’re +all quite informal here.’</p> + +<p>‘Thanks,’ said Leonard. It seemed to +be tacitly and generally accepted that he had +become a guest of the club. Dr Alden +proffered his cigar-case; Jimmy brought +him a whisky-and-soda.</p> + +<p>‘I think I ought to begin,’ said Leonard, +‘by apologising to you for having given +you all such a lot of trouble—more especially +as it was quite intentional on my part.’</p> + +<p>‘Part of the game,’ said Major Byles. +‘That’s all right. No apologies needed.’</p> + +<p>‘Thanks very much. At any rate I can +apologise for these clothes. The fact is that +I’m going North by the midnight train from +Euston, and so I changed. And now let +me show one or two ways in which the +problem could have been solved. Some of you +followed me when I took a taxi to an outlying +hotel, and subsequently made applications +at the hotel. If, instead of doing this, +you had hailed the taxi that I had just left, +you would in each case have found inside +it an addressed envelope giving you the +information you required. When Mr Feldane +went for that very long drive to Brixton, +I intentionally left my hat and coat in the +hall of the alleged hotel for a few minutes. +He examined the waiter; if he had examined +the inside of my hat he would have found +a certain clue. Sir Charles very nearly caught +me. That night I left the hotel much earlier +than usual, and had satisfied myself that +nobody was waiting for me outside. I was +on my way to a house in Audley Street where +I was not known as the head-waiter at this +hotel, and my identity would probably have +been discovered; and it was necessary I +should go to that house. At the top of +St James’s Street I found that Sir Charles +was after me. But I had taken a precaution. +A friend of mine was stationed in Oxford Street, +masquerading as a vender of penny plush +monkeys; I found him and we went through +a little eccentric pantomime together that +had been prearranged. As had been expected, +Sir Charles stopped to make inquiries from +him. And while that was happening I made +my escape.’</p> + +<p>‘One moment,’ said Sir Charles. ‘How +on earth did he know who I was? You +never spoke to him?’</p> + +<p>‘No, I never spoke. And he did not know +who you were. He did not know that you +were Sir Charles Bunford, and does not know +it now. He knew that he could address you +as Sir Charles, and he knew that from the +fact that I stuck the monkey in his hat. It +was a prearranged code. If Major Byles +had been following me, I should have stuck +the monkey in my friend’s right sleeve. He +would then have addressed him as Major, +though he would not have known his name. +If Mr Wildersley had been after me, the +monkey would have gone into the left sleeve; +my friend would have known by that sign +that he was an artist, but would have known +no more than that. Similarly, in other cases, +he would always have appeared to have +known, but would not have known really.’</p> + +<p>‘Leonard,’ said the chairman, ‘in my +opinion you have shown both skill and +discretion, and a good sporting spirit besides. +I decide that your problem was fair. And +now will you solve it for us?’</p> + +<p>‘Very good. I must give you some abbreviated +family history. My grandfather had +two sons, both of whom disappointed him, +though in different ways. My uncle was a +man of extreme avarice; my father, the +younger of the two, was a gambler. Both +my parents died before I was five years old, +and I—the only child—passed into the charge +of my grandfather.</p> + +<p>‘My grandfather placed me with the family +of an intimate friend of his, who was also +the senior partner in the firm of solicitors +who acted for him, a Mr Barstairs. +Barstairs had married a Frenchwoman. French +was the language generally spoken in their +house, and most of my early years were spent +abroad. I went through a public-school +and Cambridge without any particular disgrace +or distinction. So far, my grandfather +had kept me well supplied with money; +in fact, at Cambridge I had not spent my +allowance. But I had never seen my +grandfather. I wrote to him four times a year, +and his replies were always witty and +entertaining. I took everything for granted in +the way that boys do.</p> + +<p>‘On my twenty-first birthday I had a +letter from my grandfather to the effect that +as an experiment he wished me to make my +own living in any way I liked for a period +of some years. When that period was over, +or sooner if he died before then, I was +to be no longer under that necessity. Mr +Barstairs, who had not been consulted, was +indignant about that letter, but I did not +resent it myself.</p> + +<p>‘What assets had I to offer an employer? +My classical degree would have entitled me +to teach in a school—a truly awful profession +to my mind. I spoke two Continental +languages well and a third passably. I had +an unusual knowledge of wines and cuisine +for a man of my age. (Mr Matthews will +remember that Barstairs was an epicure.) +I had seen a good deal of hotel life at home +and abroad. I took counsel with Mr Hance, +the proprietor of this hotel, who was known +to me. After some training at an hotel in +Paris I became the night head-waiter here, +using my first name, Leonard, as my surname. +My grandfather and Mr Barstairs alone were +taken into my secret. It is to the latter +that I owe the pleasure of having served a +club of which I should be proud one day to +become a member, if that were possible. +I saw life from a novel and interesting angle. +I had my mornings free for poetry, to which +I am devoted. I was quite satisfied.</p> + +<p>‘There is little more to add. In the year +that I came here my uncle died unmarried. +Three months ago my grandfather also died, +and I——’</p> + +<p>‘Pardon me,’ said Sir Charles, ‘but I +have been watching your face carefully, and +I think I see a family likeness or the trace of +one. All that you have said would confirm +it. I think you are the grandson of the +founder of this club, and in that case you +are the sixth Baron Herngill.’</p> + +<p>‘That is correct. I remained here for +these months while some legal matters were +completed, and to oblige Hance, for I +consider that he did me a good turn. I leave +for Enthwaite to-night. And now, gentlemen, +since time presses, may I mention that I +have a successor to myself to propose to you, +if you have made no other arrangements? +He would act on the same terms as I have +done. I will answer for his ability and +discretion. He is, like myself, a poet. He +is also the editor of an obscure weekly +publication called <i>The Pig-Keepers’ Friend</i>. If +you choose him I have here his first problem +to deliver to the chairman. His name is +William Bunting. With your permission I +will retire for a few minutes while you consider +this.’</p> + +<p>When he had gone out it was found that +every member of the Problem Club had +formed the same idea. On his return to the +room Lord Herngill was informed that Mr +Bunting had been appointed, and also that +Lord Herngill had been proposed by the +chairman, seconded by Sir Charles Bunford, +and unanimously elected a member of the +Problem Club.</p> + +</div> + +<hr class="x-ebookmaker-drop"> + +<div class="chapter" id="ch07"> + +<h2>No. VII. <br> The Shakespearean Problem</h2> + +<p>The failure of the members to discover the +identity of Leonard—the last problem that +he had set them—meant that at the forty-ninth +meeting the prize was doubled, and a +cheque for two hundred and twenty pounds +awaited the lucky winner. Leonard, +formerly known as a capable head-waiter and +an astute setter of problems, had revealed +himself as the grandson and heir of the Lord +Herngill who had founded the club, and had +been elected to membership. He had +described himself further as a poet. He had +now travelled up from Yorkshire for the +express purpose of attending the first meeting +after his election, and the dinner with which +the proceedings opened showed him, as had +been expected, a charming, accomplished, and +quite amusing companion.</p> + +<p>Young Hesseltine and the Rev. Septimus +Cunliffe were, respectively, chairman and +secretary for the evening. The chairman, equipped +with a bound copy of Shakespeare, and certain +other forms of refreshment, read out the +terms of the competition. They were longer +than usual, and ran as follows:—</p> + +<p>‘Members are required, in the course of +conversation, to make undetected quotations +from Shakespeare, and to detect and challenge +the quotations which are made by other +members.</p> + +<p>‘The score is two for making an undetected +quotation, and one for detecting and +challenging a quotation made by another. The +highest score wins. If any member challenges +as a quotation from Shakespeare words which +are not a quotation from that author, he will +have one deducted from his score. Any +member with a score of minus three is out +of the game.</p> + +<p>‘The method of challenging will be by +raising one hand, when the chairman will +temporarily arrest proceedings and investigate. +Where several members raise their hands +simultaneously, all will score the detection, +or be penalised for the failure, as the case +may be. Otherwise, only the first hand up +can score or be penalised.</p> + +<p>‘A quotation must consist of more than +four words, or it will not rank as a +quotation. The words must be given in their +correct order, but otherwise any attempt may +be made to disguise the quotation. Any +member who has made an undetected quotation +should notify it to the chairman at the +earliest opportunity, while it is still fresh in +the memory.</p> + +<p>‘Detection, to be valid, should be made +immediately—say, within twenty seconds of +the utterance of the quotation.</p> + +<p>‘The chairman will stop the competition +when in his opinion all members have had +a fair and full chance of speaking, and on +all disputed points his ruling is absolute.’</p> + +<p>‘Yes,’ said the chairman, when he had +read out the above, ‘our new problem-setter, +the mysterious editor of <i>The Pig-Keepers’ +Friend</i>, seems to be rather a lengthy beggar. +More like a round game than a problem, to +my mind. I can imagine literary circles +playing it on winter evenings. However, I +think we’ve most of us got the hang of it. +There’s double the usual amount of boodle +in the jack-pot, but all the same I’m not +sorry to be debarred from competing. I had +a good deal of Shakespeare boosted into me +by schoolmasters when I was a boy, but I +fear that it ain’t stuck to me. Well, it’s all +up to the high-brows to-night. And I’ll +call on our old friend Leonard, who’s our +new member, Lord Herngill, to start the ball +rolling, and our padre to keep the score as +directed.’</p> + +<p>‘Well,’ said Leonard, ‘I can’t say that I +am a stranger here, but I am certainly a new +member, and very glad to be. Now, I told +you that I was a poet, but a writer of poetry +is not necessarily a reader of poetry. I can’t +say whether he ought to be or not.’ He +paused to relight a cigarette. ‘To be +candid——’</p> + +<p>‘I challenge,’ said Mr Cunliffe, with +uplifted hand. ‘The quotation is, “To be or +not to be,” rather cunningly broken up.’</p> + +<p>‘Admitted,’ said Leonard.</p> + +<p>‘Then,’ said the chairman, ‘the secretary +will score one to himself.’</p> + +<p>‘At the same time,’ said Leonard, ‘I should +like him to score two to me. The words, “I +am a stranger here,” are a quotation from +<i>King Richard II.</i>, Act 2, Scene iii. +Northumberland speaks them. And the quotation was +not recognised.’</p> + +<p>This was verified and found correct and the +score allowed. The chairman turned to the +Hon. James Feldane, who was sitting—or, +to be accurate, reclining—in the chair next +to Leonard. ‘Go ahead, Jimmy,’ he said.</p> + +<p>‘Very well,’ said Jimmy wearily. +‘The—er—the quality of mercy——’</p> + +<p>Five hands went into the air together.</p> + +<p>‘Jimmy,’ said the chairman, ‘it looks as +if you were pretty considerably challenged—by +five simultaneously. You, Major Byles, +being one of them, will tell us why.’</p> + +<p>‘Why?’ exclaimed the Major. ‘Because +it’s one of the best-known quotations in +Shakespeare. I won’t swear which play it +comes from, but everybody knows it. Let’s +see, how does it go? “The quality of mercy +is not strained, but droppeth like the thingamy +of the something-or-other.” ’</p> + +<p>‘Any defence, Jimmy?’ asked the chairman.</p> + +<p>‘Somewhat,’ said Jimmy. ‘I said, “The +quality of mercy.” I admit it. I glory in it. +But that’s only four words, and it’s laid down +that four words do not make a quotation.’</p> + +<p>‘That is so. I fear that the Major, Dr +Alden, our only K.C., and our two artist-members +must all have a minus one recorded +against them.’</p> + +<p>‘What I was going to have said when they +interrupted me was that the quality of mercy +differed in some material respects from coffee +that has been made with a percolator. Same +thought as Shakey’s, but a different mode of +expression. Five of you have now lost a life +through being premature. You need to be +careful. A score of minus three puts you +outside of any chance of two hundred and +twenty of the very best. And I’m dangerous +to-night—I’m out for blood. The brindled +cat winds slowly o’er the lea—anybody like +to challenge that?’</p> + +<p>Wildersley said it would make a good title +for an Academy picture, but nobody asserted +that it was Shakespeare—not even Jimmy.</p> + +<p>‘You’re an unenterprising lot,’ said Jimmy +disdainfully. ‘But I’ll give you one more +chance. “Satiate at length, and heightened +as with wine.” That’s more than four words. +Any challengers?’</p> + +<p>‘Yes,’ said Sir Charles, holding up his +hand. ‘I don’t know for certain, but it’s got +the flavour of the period in it. Anyway, I’d +sooner lose one life than let you score a +triumphant two for it.’</p> + +<p>‘Then you’ll lose the life. It’s a quotation +all right, but it happens to be a little bit that +I cut out of the best end of <i>Paradise Lost</i>, +by J. Milton, Esquire.’ And Jimmy leant +back in his chair satisfied. He had scored +nothing for himself, but he had done something +to spoil the chances of six other men.</p> + +<p>The chairman turned to Sir Charles. ‘Don’t +you think that Jimmy’s an irreverent young +blackguard?’ he asked.</p> + +<p>‘Well,’ said Sir Charles, with an air of +quiet dignity. ‘Jimmy is young and I am +old. As we progress on life’s journey, we old +men cease to expect to find universal +agreement with our views. We know that our +opinions are our own, but cannot be all the +world’s.’ He paused and sighed. ‘A stage +or two farther on, and Jimmy may come to +think, as I do now, that——’ And here +suddenly Sir Charles broke off and chuckled. +‘Well, I’m blest!’ he said. ‘I never expected +to do it. I knew this wasn’t a little +nest of Shakespeareans, but I did think that +you’d spot the best-known line in Shakespeare.’</p> + +<p>That air of pathetic dignity had merely +been a bit of acting, but the acting had been +so good that it had distracted the attention +from the words. Otherwise members must +have found in Sir Charles’s remarks the +well-worn tag that ‘All the world’s a stage.’ It +scored two for Sir Charles, thus putting him +on the way to a win, at any rate.</p> + +<p>A few minutes later another well-known +quotation very nearly came through unscathed. +Somebody, speaking of Leonard, had said, +‘Leonard, or Lord Herngill, whichever he +prefers to be called.’</p> + +<p>Leonard smilingly said that a rose by +any other name would smell as sweet. He +admitted afterwards that he had not had the +slightest intention of quoting Shakespeare. +He had merely uttered a platitude because it +happened to be apt, though as soon as he +said it he recognised his own quotation. +Unfortunately for him, the Rev. Septimus Cunliffe +had also recognised it, and by challenging +it added one to a score that was growing +slowly but surely. He attempted no quotation +himself, and never challenged unless he +was sure. To put it plainly, he played for +safety.</p> + +<p>‘Yes,’ said Jimmy Feldane plaintively, +commenting on this incident, ‘one of the +worst points about Mr W. Shakespeare is +that he made such a lot of proverbs. I don’t +want to brag, but I suppose I’ve read as +little as most people, and I expect that even +I don’t keep clear of Shakespearean quotations +altogether. I’m not aiming at him, but +every now and then he flies into it, so to +speak.’</p> + +<p>The supercilious Mr Quillian had provided +himself with a stock of quotations from +Elizabethan dramatists other than Shakespeare, +and did deadly work with them. They were +challenged, and brought the penalty on the +challengers. And having thus inspired a dread +of traps, he introduced three quotations which +really were from Shakespeare, and two of +them got through undetected. Pusely-Smythe, +who generally welcomed a chance of a friendly +duel with Quillian remained silent, watching +him with sardonic amusement.</p> + +<p>The game became very strenuous. There +was the closest attention in order to spot any +veritable quotation. Every strategic dodge +that had been thought of during the previous +month was brought into action, to induce a +challenge that would be penalised, or to get +a quotation through undetected. Several +members reached minus three, and were +ruled out.</p> + +<p>‘This game is too much for me,’ said Mr +Matthews, on losing his third life. ‘It’s too +subtle. The American game of draw-poker, +with three jokers in the pack and one of the +players a crook, is simple, transparent, and +childlike compared to it. However, one of +the joys of being out of it is that I can get +myself that little drink that I have long needed.’ +And he made his way to the side-table.</p> + +<p>‘Mr Chairman,’ said Sir Charles, ‘I think +a ten-minutes’ interval would be welcome. +It’s wearing work to keep on thinking what +one is saying.’</p> + +<p>His suggestion was warmly supported and +accepted by the chairman. Some members +followed the comfortable example of Mr +Matthews. Some chuckled over the clever +caricatures, drawn on the back of +bridge-markers, with which Wildersley had been +occupying his enforced leisure; an excess +of zeal over discretion had put him out of +the game at an early stage. All consulted the +secretary’s score-sheet. Quillian was leading +with a score of nine. The secretary and Sir +Charles were each at eight. Major Byles was +three, and Pusely-Smythe one. Jimmy Feldane +was minus one, and Lord Herngill—who +had at one time reached the noble score of +four—had by reckless challenging brought +himself to the perilous position of minus two.</p> + +<p>‘Can’t make it out,’ said Mr Matthews +to him. ‘You used to set all our problems. +You ought to be a flyer at this kind of a game.’</p> + +<p>‘It’s an easy job to set problems,’ said +Leonard, ‘and to set them so that you can +solve them, but it’s a different thing altogether +to solve the problems that somebody else has +set.’</p> + +<p>‘Oh, well, it’s an open thing still. Quillian’s +just leading, but I don’t believe he’ll pull it +off. Shan’t be surprised if old Bunford is two +hundred and twenty the richer before the +evening’s out.’</p> + +<p>Proceedings were now resumed. ‘Come, +now, Pusely-Smythe,’ said the chairman, +‘we’ve not heard much from you to-night.’</p> + +<p>‘Afraid of being challenged?’ suggested +Quillian.</p> + +<p>‘As a rule,’ said Pusely-Smythe angrily, +‘I’m told that I am much too venturous. +However, my learned friend, if you want to +talk, go on and I will wait for you. The +chairman called on me to speak, not you, and +as a matter of fact, I had a thing to say. But let +it go—it may make trouble later, and then +you’ll remember I told you what would come +of this. Your blessed challenges, indeed! +You may think you can do everything, but I +know you can do very little.’</p> + +<p>Quillian stared at him aghast and perplexed.</p> + +<p>‘Really,’ he said, ‘I don’t understand this +outburst. I had not the slightest +intention——’</p> + +<p>But here he was interrupted by Pusely-Smythe’s +laughter. ‘All right, old man,’ +said Pusely-Smythe cheerily. ‘Don’t worry. +It was all spoof and part of the game. Thanks +to you, I’ve just made five undetected +quotations from the work of the bard. You’re +my benefactor. In fact, as the Orientals say, +you are my father and my mother, and I am +the son of a dog.’</p> + +<p>‘Five?’ said the chairman. ‘It hardly +seems possible.’</p> + +<p>But Pusely-Smythe made out his list and +it was found to be quite correct. The five +quotations were as follows:—</p> + +<p>‘I am much too venturous,’ <i>King Henry +VIII.</i>, Act 1, Scene ii.</p> + +<p>‘And I will wait for you,’ <i>Julius Cæsar</i>, +Act 1, Scene ii.</p> + +<p>‘I had a thing to say—but let it go,’ <i>King +John</i>, Act 3, Scene iii.</p> + +<p>‘I told you what would come of this,’ <i>The +Winter’s Tale</i>, Act 4, Scene iii.</p> + +<p>‘I know you can do very little,’ <i>Coriolanus</i>, +Act 2, Scene i.</p> + +<p>‘It’s a great <i>coup</i>,’ said the chairman. ‘It +puts you right at the head of the list. +Closing time is imminent, gentlemen. So if +you have anything else to say, get on with +it.’</p> + +<p>‘Well,’ said Quillian, ‘somebody ought +to have spotted him. It’s really more our +carelessness than his cleverness. But I should +imagine that’s the last undetected quotation +he will be able to get through to-night. +You’re a watched man now.’</p> + +<p>‘By Jove, yes,’ said the Major.</p> + +<p>‘Since you talk like that,’ said +Pusely-Smythe, smiling. ‘I will make another +quotation. By the way, how long will you +give me? I should have asked you that before, +of course.’</p> + +<p>‘Five minutes,’ said the Major. ‘And +then perhaps we might close the competition, +if the chairman sees fit.’</p> + +<p>A general agreement was reached on this +point, and Pusely-Smythe was enjoined by the +chairman to get on with it.</p> + +<p>‘I’ve finished, thanks,’ said Pusely-Smythe. +‘The words, “I should have asked you that +before,” are a quotation from a play called +<i>Romeo and Juliet</i>. It’s the second scene of +the first act—Romeo speaking.’</p> + +<p>The quotation was verified, and advanced +Pusely-Smythe’s score to thirteen—a lucky +number for once—thus leaving him an easy +winner.</p> + +<p>‘And,’ said young Hesseltine, the chairman, +as he handed him the cheque, ‘considering +the way you must have sweated +through tons and tons of absolute Shakespeare +during the month, in order to pick out the +little bits that didn’t look like quotations, I’m +not sure that you haven’t earned about five +per cent. of it.’</p> + +<p>The chairman now opened the sealed envelope +containing the problem for the next +month. In this the talented editor of <i>The +Pig-Keepers’ Friend</i> had been quite brief. It was +entitled ‘The Impersonation Problem,’ and +the terms of it were as follows:—</p> + +<p>‘It is required to be mistaken for six +different people in the course of one hour.’</p> + +<p>‘He don’t use any unnecessary words about +it,’ said Mr Matthews.</p> + +<p>But it may be remembered that the editor +of <i>The Pig-Keepers’ Friend</i> was also a +poet—and real poets never use unnecessary words.</p> + +</div> + +<hr class="x-ebookmaker-drop"> + +<div class="chapter" id="ch08"> + +<h2>No. VIII. <br> The Impersonation Problem</h2> + +<p>The terms of the Impersonation Problem, +which came up for adjudication at the fiftieth +meeting of the club, were as follows:—</p> + +<p>‘It is required to be mistaken for six +different people in the course of one hour.’</p> + +<p>Mr Wildersley, A.R.A.—large, cheerful, +and childlike—took the chair, and observed +that it was just as well for other members that +the dignified position of adjudicator prevented +him from competing, as otherwise he would +have been a certain winner. It was a claim +that the chairman for the evening very +frequently made, but Wildersley was not very +serious about it.</p> + +<p>‘My profession,’ he said, ‘would have given +me a start of about eighty yards in the +hundred. I’m skilled in the rapid use of +oil-paints. Within the prescribed limit of one +hour I could have painted myself to look like +a rabbit, or a tomato, or a man, or a hole in +the ground, or any other object of the seashore, +so as absolutely to defy detection. Not +one of you duffers would have had a chance.’</p> + +<p>‘Pardon the interruption,’ said Mr Quillian, +K.C., ‘but the terms of the problem require +us to be mistaken for six different people. +May I ask the chairman if he would consider +a rabbit and a tomato as being people for the +purposes of this problem?’</p> + +<p>‘The time of the chairman,’ said Wildersley, +severely, ‘is not to be wasted on purely +hypothetical cases. If, when his turn comes, Mr +Quillian claims to have been mistaken for a +rabbit, I shall be ready both to believe it and +to adjudicate upon it. And now, gentlemen, +we will have the story of your dismal failures. +Hesseltine here is acting as secretary to-night, +and he may as well get his talking done first, +so that he can give his undivided attention +to his duties.’</p> + +<p>‘Well,’ said Hesseltine, ‘Feldane and I +went into partnership this time, as the rules +permit. We don’t claim to have scored the full +six, but we had a lovely time while it lasted. +Jimmy had better tell you about it, as he +played the lead.’</p> + +<p>‘Yes,’ said Jimmy, with a weary smile, ‘it +was quite on the amusing side. Involved a lot +of work though—thinking it all out and +getting together the properties for the drama. +If we scooped fifty-five pounds each over it +we shouldn’t be overpaid, but just as we were +doing nicely the bottom fell out of it. +However, I’ll tell you.’</p> + +<p>The incidents which Jimmy related were as +follows: Early on a fine morning he and +Hesseltine were conveyed by a taxi-cab to +a point, previously selected, on a road on the +outskirts of a south-western suburb. Here +they unloaded their miscellaneous collection of +properties and got to work. The driver took +the cab off to a public-house in the vicinity, +and there awaited further orders.</p> + +<p>Hesseltine was disguised as a labourer. +Jimmy, who was to act as his boss, was got up +as, to use his own description, ‘a sort of +semi-scientific clerky person, clad in a seedy +suit, a pince-nez, and an air of educated +wisdom.’ They began by enclosing a portion +of the roadway with stakes and ropes, fixing +red flags at the corners of the square. Then +Hesseltine entered the enclosure and began +vigorously to dig a hole in the road with +pick and spade. It was still early, and there +were few people about. So Hesseltine’s boss +condescended to lend a hand with the digging. +Afterwards Feldane contented himself with +strolling round the hole with a voltmeter, +borrowed from the taxi-cab, in one hand, a +two-foot rule sticking out of his breast-pocket, +and a general air of importance.</p> + +<p>When the hole was about three feet deep a +sleepy policeman paused on his way past.</p> + +<p>‘Something wrong with the drains?’ he +asked.</p> + +<p>‘Hope not,’ said Feldane cheerfully. ‘But +that’s what we’re going to find out. We’re +just putting in the smoke-test on this +section.’</p> + +<p>‘I see,’ said the policeman. ‘You ain’t +from Mackworth’s, are you?’</p> + +<p>‘Mackworth’s? Oh, no. We’re from +Matthews and Byles, the sanitary engineers at +Vauxhall. Dare say you know the name.’</p> + +<p>The policeman said he believed he’d heard +it, and passed on. The game had now +definitely begun, and there was only one +hour to play it in and no time to be lost. +A small car was approaching with a lady +driving. Feldane ran into the road, held +up his hand, and stopped it.</p> + +<p>‘Sorry, madam,’ he said to the lady, ‘but +would you mind waiting just for a few +seconds? I’m sure you’ll understand. We’ve +got an Erichsen’s galvanometrical balance +working in that hole, and the least vibration +would spoil the reading. We shan’t be a +minute.’</p> + +<p>‘Certainly,’ said the lady. ‘I know +something of these delicate instruments. What +are you using it for?’</p> + +<p>‘We’re from the Post Office Electrical +Survey. There’s trouble with the telegraph +wires here that they can’t locate. Of course +if iron pyrites has been used in the construction +of the road, that would account for it. +We’re looking into it. Bill,’ he called to +Hesseltine, ‘what do you make it?’</p> + +<p>Hesseltine examined the bottom of the +hole. ‘Steady at two point five,’ he called +back.</p> + +<p>‘Good. Let this car past, and then set a +foot further in. Thank you very much, +madam.’</p> + +<p>The unsuspecting lady drove on. Hesseltine +sat down in the hole and laughed. Jimmy +glanced at his watch. ‘That’s two in under +ten minutes,’ he said. ‘If we can keep it +up at anything like this rate, we ought to +do.’</p> + +<p>But for some time after this passers-by +proved curious but unenterprising. They +stared with the keenest interest at the +proceedings, but did not put in any inquiry. +Then an elderly tramp paused on his way +into the town.</p> + +<p>‘Water-main?’ he suggested.</p> + +<p>‘Ay,’ said Jimmy.</p> + +<p>‘All that work for a little water! Sooner +you than me.’</p> + +<p>Almost immediately afterwards a rather +fussy and important little man demanded to +know what it was all about.</p> + +<p>‘Gas,’ said Jimmy laconically.</p> + +<p>‘There’s no gas-main in this road,’ snapped +the little man.</p> + +<p>‘No,’ said Jimmy. ‘Nor likely to be until +we’ve took the level for the pipes. Pass along, +please.’</p> + +<p>The little man said that it seemed hopeless +to expect a civil answer to a civil question +nowadays, but he passed along. Jimmy +again consulted his watch.</p> + +<p>‘Four in half an hour,’ he observed. ‘We +can hardly miss it now.’</p> + +<p>But fate was already on its way in the shape +of a young, newly-appointed, eager and +suspicious policeman. He watched Jimmy and +Hesseltine for a minute or so in silence. +Jimmy made an entry in a pocket-book.</p> + +<p>‘All right, Bill,’ said Jimmy to Hesseltine. +‘You can fill in again now.’</p> + +<p>‘What do you think you’re doing?’ asked +the policeman.</p> + +<p>‘Rubberite Road Construction,’ said Jimmy. +‘They’re putting down an experimental +section here, and this is just the preliminary +testing.’</p> + +<p>‘Don’t they put no notice-board up with +the name of the firm on?’</p> + +<p>‘They will, of course, as soon as the actual +work begins. I have their card.’ This +printed card had been one of Jimmy’s +properties. The policeman slipped it into his +pocket.</p> + +<p>‘I’ve no doubt it’s all right,’ said the +policeman, ‘but I’ll just show this card to +make sure.’</p> + +<p>‘Certainly,’ said Jimmy; ‘that’s the thing +to do. You’ll find they know all about it +up at the station.’</p> + +<p>The game was up. As soon as the policeman +was round the corner Jimmy dashed off to +fetch the taxi while Hesseltine completed the +work of filling in the hole and getting their +various properties together. They had at +least the satisfaction of getting clear away +before the policeman returned.</p> + +<p>The chairman, when he had heard the +story, said that if everybody had their rights +it was probable that two of the younger +members of the Problem Club would now be in +prison, but he would allow them a score of +five all the same. The fifth score might seem +a little doubtful, but the young policeman +has said that he believed it was all right, and +if he had not would probably have taken +stronger measures. The chairman also refused +to admit Quillian’s objection that the +conspirators had been mistaken for imaginary +people. People might be real or imaginary, +and the subtle editor of <i>The Pig-Keepers’ +Friend</i> had not indicated that either meaning +was excluded. A further protest by Major +Byles and Mr Matthews against the scandalous +use that had been made of their names for +the firm of sanitary engineers was not taken +seriously.</p> + +<p>But the Major may have been embittered +by the completeness of his own failure. With +the help of a gray wig and beard and some +shabby clothes, he had intended to call at +six different back-doors and to represent in +succession six different people—a beggar, a +fortune-teller, a vendor of cheap jewellery, +and so forth. But the first back-door at +which he called was his own, and there he +was immediately recognised by a house-dog +and by his own kitchen-maid. His subsequent +explanation that he had merely been doing +it for a bet had not been well received. He +did not give details, but it was gathered that +Mrs Byles had had a good deal to say on +the subject.</p> + +<p>Lord Herngill had done very little better. +He had attempted no disguise at all. His +idea had been, in the course of travel on the +Bakerloo Tube railway, to get into conversation +with six different people and to tell +six plausible but erroneous stories about +himself. His statement that he personally had +driven the first train that had passed under +the Thames in that tube, being in fact the +consulting engineer of the company, was +received by an old lady with great interest +and not the slightest suspicion. He then +changed into another carriage and found an +opportunity to tell a young curate that though +he lived within ten miles of London he had +never been there in his life before. He was +only there then because he had to see property +that he had inherited at Swiss Cottage. And +could the curate tell him at all where Swiss +Cottage was?</p> + +<p>That question was his undoing. ‘I can +not only tell you,’ said the smiling curate, +‘but, as it happens, I am going there myself, +and it will give me much pleasure to have +your company.’</p> + +<p>And by the time that he had got rid of +that curate it was hopeless to attempt his +remaining impersonations within the prescribed +time. It was generally felt that in a +matter of impersonation Lord Herngill, on +his previous character, should have done +better.</p> + +<p>Mr Quillian had bestowed six shillings on +six different crossing-sweepers. Five of them +had said, ‘Thank you, m’lord,’ and the other +had said, ‘Thank you, Captain.’ On this he +claimed to have won, as it was obvious that +all five crossing-sweepers could not have +mistaken him for the same peer. It was pointed +out to him by the chairman that there was not +the slightest evidence that any one of those +crossing-sweepers had made any mistake at all.</p> + +<p>For once Pusely-Smythe had failed to +compete, and said that he had been too busy. +It was suggested that his time had been taken +up with spending his winnings from the +previous month. Mr Matthews also had +taken no part in the competition. The reason +he gave was simple cowardice; the ghastly +breakdown of his attempt to impersonate an +old lady for the purposes of the Kiss Problem +had spoiled his nerve for anything of the +kind in the future.</p> + +<p>The disgraceful adventure of Feldane and +Hesseltine seemed likely to be the nearest +approach to the problem-setter’s requirements, +until Sir Charles Bunford was called on for his +experiences. Sir Charles claimed to have won.</p> + +<p>‘I came to the conclusion,’ said Sir Charles, +‘that the man who asks for something or +tries to sell something is likely to create an +atmosphere of suspicion. On the other hand +the man who gives something, even to a complete +stranger, will have his explanatory story +accepted without question. The fact that he +stands to lose by the transaction is accepted +as evidence of his genuineness.</p> + +<p>‘With this conviction, and with such disguise +as I thought advisable, I called at various +houses all in one row in the Willesden +neighbourhood. I was accompanied by a covered +handcart, propelled by a boy hired for the +purpose. Inside the handcart were the gifts +that I had prepared for the occupants of the +houses. Taking from the handcart a fruit-cake +in a paper bag, I rang at the first house +and requested the dirty little girl who opened +it to fetch her dear mamma. Mamma appeared, +wiping her hands on her apron, and +looking displeased with life in general and +me in particular.</p> + +<p>‘ “Good-morning, lady,” I said. “I am +instructed by my employers to ask you if +you will do them the favour of accepting as +a present this fruit-cake of their manufacture. +They are shortly opening a branch in this +neighbourhood and are taking this method of +making ladies acquainted with the quality of +their goods. It is, in fact, an advertisement.” +After assuring herself again that there was +nothing to pay, and that the consumption of +the cake would not bind her to deal with my +firm—Messrs Butterstone and Co.—in future, +she consented to accept the cake, and even to +say that it seemed a straight way of doing +business. She inquired where the new shop +would be, which I told her, and what the +price of a similar cake would be if she ever +wanted to buy one. I put it at half what I +had paid for it, and she said it was a pleasant +morning. Never for one moment did she +doubt that I was what I had represented +myself to be.</p> + +<figure> + <img src="images/illus8.jpg" alt="A smiling gentleman, smartly + dressed in a white summer suit with a hat and holding a + loaf-sized package wrapped in paper, talks to a taciturn + housewife as she wipes her hands on her apron. A young girl + stands nearby and watches them both."> + <figcaption>‘ “Good-morning, lady,” I said. “I am instructed by my + employers.” ’</figcaption> +</figure> + +<p>‘At the next house with equal success I +presented half a pound of butter as a sample +of the products of the Farm Creameries +Company, and a similar story. The third house +got a tablet of scented soap from an +enterprising chemist who was just starting in +business in the neighbourhood. At the next +three houses I distributed as free advertising +samples a pound of sausages, a box of +cigarettes, and a small bottle of whisky. It took +longer than I had expected, because the ladies +had such a lot of questions to ask about the +new shops that were to be opened, but I +finished six minutes under the hour. Of +course, I could have carried all the goods +round in a basket, but the handcart looked +more like a house-to-house distribution on a +large scale.’</p> + +<p>The decision was not given in his favour +until after Quillian had raised an objection. +He maintained that in each case Sir Charles +had been mistaken for the same thing—to +wit, the representative or agent in advance of +a business firm. But the chairman’s decision +that Sir Charles had been mistaken for six +different representatives of six different firms +was generally approved. And as no other +member had a claim to make the cheque was +handed to him.</p> + +<p>The chairman then opened the sealed +envelope containing the problem on which +their ingenuity was next to be expended. It +was entitled ‘The Alibi Problem,’ and the +terms of it were as follows:—</p> + +<p>‘It is impossible for a man to be in two +places at once. But it is required so to arrange +matters that bona-fide evidence would be +procurable that at a certain hour of a certain +day or night you were in two places at +once, the two places to be not less than one +hundred miles from each other.’</p> + +<p>‘Not uninteresting,’ said the Rev. Septimus +Cunliffe, ‘but it leaves a good deal to the +discretion of the chairman. He will have to +decide which of us could produce the best +evidence that the impossible had been +accomplished. By the way, who is the next +chairman?’</p> + +<p>‘Should have been Harding Pope,’ said +Wildersley. ‘But as he’s gone, it will be the +member elected in his place—our old friend +Leonard, Lord Herngill.’</p> + +<p>‘My poor abilities are at your service,’ said +Lord Herngill, laughing, ‘at London’s lowest +prices always.’</p> + +</div> + +<hr class="x-ebookmaker-drop"> + +<div class="chapter" id="ch09"> + +<h2>No. IX. <br> The Alibi Problem</h2> + +<p>Lord Herngill read out the demand made +by the editor of <i>The Pig-Keepers’ Friend</i> on +the ingenuity of the members of the Problem +Club. Members were required to produce +evidence, that could be given in good faith, +that at a certain hour, day or night, they had +been in two places at once, the two places +not being less than one hundred miles apart.</p> + +<p>Lord Herngill said that he felt anxious and +depressed. His manner and appearance, it +may be added, hardly bore out the statement. +He assigned his depression to two reasons. +Firstly, other chairmen had had the simple +task of adjudicating on a point of fact. +He—a new member, a novice, a mere babe, as +you might say—was required to undertake +far more delicate and difficult work, and to +base his decision on an estimate of evidence. +Secondly, the secretary for the evening was +Mr Wildersley. On the last occasion that +Wildersley had acted as secretary he had +adorned the minute-book with drawings of +the chairman which were undoubtedly amusing +and possessed of artistic merit, but at the same +time were calculated to bring that chairman +into ridicule and contempt.</p> + +<p>‘So you see, gentlemen,’ Lord Herngill +continued, ‘that this is nervous work for me. +However, I will make the plunge. Towards +the end of dinner a telegram was handed to +Mr Feldane over which I noticed him to be +chuckling. May I inquire if it had any +bearing on the problem before us?’</p> + +<p>‘Well, it had,’ Jimmy admitted. ‘Brainy +work to have guessed it. But I’m not on in +this act—I’m resting. The wire really +concerns Hesseltine’s claim.’</p> + +<p>‘You two generally hunt in couples. Perhaps +Mr Hesseltine will let you put his case +for him.’</p> + +<p>‘Anything that pleases you and saves me +trouble,’ said Hesseltine generously. ‘I can +always correct Jimmy if he makes an ass of +himself.’</p> + +<p>‘Well,’ said Jimmy, ‘we can see for +ourselves that Hesseltine is here to-night. I +don’t want to dwell on his misfortunes, but +he looks much as usual. Talks in the same +silly way too. But that telegram is his evidence +that he is really in Liverpool. It is signed +with his name and was handed in at a Liverpool +office. I’ll read it. “So sorry to be unable +to be with you to-night, but have promised +to remain here to act as judge at local +baby-show.” Well, it isn’t for me to say anything, +though I could.’</p> + +<p>‘The evidence that Mr Hesseltine is here,’ +said the chairman, ‘is good. The evidence +that he is in Liverpool is less good. A +telegram is not necessarily despatched by the +man whose name is signed to it. Further, it +seems to me improbable that a young bachelor +would have been selected for the high office +which Mr Hesseltine claims to have fulfilled. +I think we shall do better than that. I +will ask Mr Pusely-Smythe how far he +has succeeded in being in two places at +once.’</p> + +<p>‘It is easier to be in one place at twice,’ +said Pusely-Smythe. ‘But I have done what +I could, considering how unversed I am in +the arts of deception.’ The applause which +greeted this statement was possibly of an +ironical character. ‘On the morning of +Tuesday last,’ Pusely-Smythe continued, ‘I +was at the Rectory, Meldon Bois, where I +had been spending the week-end. The village +of Meldon Bois is one hundred and eight +miles from London. It had been my intention +to leave Meldon Bois by the 10.5 a.m. for +London. I had been pressed to remain for +one more night, as there was to be a +performance of a pastoral play by distinguished +amateurs in the grounds of the Rectory on +Tuesday afternoon, and it would be a pity +for me to miss it. I will not conceal it from +you, sir, that the said pastoral play constituted +the principal reason for my departure.</p> + +<p>‘You have grasped these facts? Very +good. Now, on the morning of Tuesday, by +the first post, I received a letter from my one +and only aunt, who resides in London, to +say that as I was coming up to town that +morning she hoped I would lunch with her +in Grosvenor Street and accompany her +afterwards to hear a lecture to be given by some +eminent idiot on “The Future of Eugenics.” +My aunt is one of the most strong-minded +and wearisome women in existence. I had +been reluctant to witness the amateur +performance in the Rectory grounds, and I +contemplated the idea of listening to a lecture on +“The Future of Eugenics” with horror and +loathing. That was the situation. I had to +miss two birds with one stone.</p> + +<p>‘My first step was to telegraph to my one +and only aunt as follows: “Regret detained +here. Am writing.” On the following morning +she received a letter from me which I am +able to produce in its envelope. The letter +is in my own handwriting on paper stamped +with the Rectory address. The letter is dated +Tuesday evening, and the post-mark on the +envelope shows that it was posted at Meldon +Bois on that day. Now that letter not only +states that I had remained so as not to miss +the pastoral amateurs, but also makes several +statements as to their performance, every one +of which can be proved to be absolutely +accurate. These statements are that Miss +Sykes looked charming in some pale lilac-coloured +contraption, that the comedian over-acted, +that the weather was not entirely +favourable, that some of the players seemed +to find a difficulty in making themselves +audible, that quite a nice sum was realised +for the Cottage Hospital, and that the Rector +in proposing a vote of thanks to the players +said that where all were so good it would be +invidious to differentiate. I have no doubt +that on the strength of that letter and the +details it contains, my aunt would give evidence +in good faith that to her knowledge I must +have been at Meldon Bois on Tuesday +afternoon. Notwithstanding this, I left Meldon +Bois on Tuesday morning by the train originally +contemplated, and on Tuesday afternoon +I was playing bridge at my club in London, +as various members of the club who met me +there would attest.’</p> + +<p>‘On the face of it,’ said the chairman, ‘it +looks like rather a good case. I presume that +you wrote the letter to your aunt before +leaving by train in the morning, and gave +it to a servant with instructions to post it +after the performance.’</p> + +<p>‘Precisely so.’</p> + +<p>‘But how did you manage to give an +accurate account of the performance at which +you were really not present?’</p> + +<p>‘Well, Miss Sykes was staying at the +Rectory and had told me what dress she would +wear. The rest was intelligent anticipation. +The glass was low, and, besides, the weather +is always unfavourable for pastoral plays, and +some of the players always fail to make their +voices carry in the open. Given village +amateurs, over-acting by the comedian is as +certain as death. To put the receipts as a +nice sum was quite safe. It was riskier to +quote the Rector’s actual words, but he’s a +kindly and tactful man with a circumscribed +mind, so I thought I might chance it, and +it came off.’</p> + +<p>The next few members on whom the chairman +called produced nothing of interest. +Some, like Hesseltine, had thought of the +bogus telegram. Some, like Feldane, were +resting. Dr Alden had tried an idea of his +own, and expressed the hope that the +chairman would think better of it than he did +himself.</p> + +<p>Early one morning he had entered a +tobacconist’s shop where he was not known and +investigated the man’s stock of cigars. He +found it difficult to make up his mind as to +which of three different brands would suit +him best. He took away with him a specimen +of each, and said that he would try them after +luncheon and let the tobacconist know. At +three that afternoon Dr Alden’s man called +at the tobacconist’s with a note from the +doctor saying that the trial had been made +and naming the brand selected. Five hundred +of this brand were ordered, and a cheque for +the exact sum was enclosed in payment. The +tobacconist was to deliver the goods to the +bearer of the note, as the doctor was leaving +for the country at four and wished to take +some of the cigars with him. This was done, +and probably the tobacconist would have been +willing to swear in consequence that Dr Alden +was in London until four that day. As +a matter of fact, the doctor had left for +the North by express shortly after ten that +morning.</p> + +<p>‘Yes,’ said the chairman, ‘you convinced +that tobacconist that you were in London +when you were not, just as Pusely-Smythe +convinced his aunt that he was not in London +when he was. In each case it is the evidence +of one person only. Have you done any +better, Mr Wildersley?’</p> + +<p>‘Better?’ said Wildersley cheerfully. ‘I +should rather think I have. I should have +made out the club cheque for the prize to my +own order already but for the fact that I +prefer the formal routine. Cast your +chairmaniacal eye over this sketch-book. It is +filled with pencil drawings made from time +to time, if not oftener, by the eminent +Wildersley. The last few pages were made at the +political meeting at Glasgow last week. They +are dated in my own hand. There are notes +as to the colour also in my hand. They are +in my sketch-book. If they are not proof +positive that I was at that meeting, then what +are they? All the same I was in London +while that meeting was being held, and can +produce countless witnesses who saw me and +spoke to me.’</p> + +<p>The chairman looked carefully at the +drawings. ‘Not done from photographs, I +suppose?’</p> + +<p>‘No, m’lord,’ said Wildersley. ‘All genuine +hand-work and done on the spot.’</p> + +<p>Lord Herngill compared them with previous +drawings in the book. ‘These look to me,’ +he said, ‘as if they were done by somebody +who was trying to imitate your technique but +had not quite got it.’</p> + +<p>‘Yes,’ said Wildersley, ‘that finishes us. +You have it. The other artist member and +I went into collaboration in this enterprise. +Austin went to Glasgow, and made the sketches +in the book with what he was pleased to call +an imitation of the worst of the Wildersleian +mannerisms. I remained in London giving +my famous impersonation of myself. I added +the date and manuscript notes afterwards. +Still, if this book fell into the hands of +somebody who had not the full use of his +eyes—and very few people have—he might use +it as evidence in good faith that I was at +Glasgow at that date.’</p> + +<p>‘Undoubtedly. I shall not forget your +claim. Meanwhile, is there any other?’</p> + +<p>‘Yes,’ said Sir Charles Bunford placidly, +‘I think my claim to have established an alibi +is stronger than any you have heard yet. +Birmingham is more than a hundred miles +from London. A certain butler in Birmingham +would swear that he saw me and spoke +to me on a certain afternoon. A photographer +in Birmingham would swear that he +photographed me on that same afternoon, and +would be able to produce the negative. Yet +during the whole of that afternoon I was in +London, as the evidence of many of my friends +would show. And all the evidence would be +given in good faith.’</p> + +<p>‘And how was this miracle accomplished?’ +the chairman asked.</p> + +<p>‘I’ll tell you the story as briefly as I can. +I went to stay for a fortnight with an old friend +of mine, a bachelor named Fraser, who has +a house outside Birmingham. He is a keen +ornithologist. He employs in the preparation +of specimens and so on a curious character +called Mitten, who is just as keen on birds +as Fraser himself. Fraser only has Mitten’s +spare time. Mitten’s regular work is with a +Birmingham photographer, for whom he does +developing and also has charge of the stock +of negatives. Fraser is quite unlike me in +the face, except that we both have the same +deficiency of colour in the hair, but we are +of about the same height and build. There +is also a slight similarity in our voices. That +was the rough material that I had at my +disposal, and no doubt you can guess how I got +my results from it.’</p> + +<p>‘You’d better continue,’ said the chairman, +smiling.</p> + +<p>‘On the day before I left I pointed out to +Fraser that a similarity in mass often +prevented a dissimilarity in detail from being +noticed, and that the attitude of expectant +attention is a frequent source of error. Fraser +asked me, as I had thought he would, what I +meant and what I was getting at. I replied +that by taking advantage of two facts I had +mentioned he could probably get himself +mistaken for me. He said that nobody would +make the mistake. I said that Hammond’s +butler would make it on the following +afternoon, if he cared to try the experiment.</p> + +<p>‘ “I’d like to try it, but it’s impossible. +That butler has known me for the last two +years, and he has only seen you four or five +times in the afternoon. How could he be +taken in?”</p> + +<p>‘ “He has always seen you in dark and +chastened clothing, such as it is your custom +to wear. He has always seen me with a gray +bowler, a light suit, white spats, and a +distinctive necktie. He expects to see me +to-morrow afternoon, because I borrowed an +umbrella there to-day, and said I would bring +it back then. All you have to do is to wear +my clothes, and hand in that umbrella. He +will expect to see me. He will actually see +my clothes on a man of about my figure. +The hall at the Hammonds’ house is rather +dark, and you will have the sun behind you. +It’s quite certain the man will be mistaken.”</p> + +<p>‘It was tried and happened as I had +foretold. The butler addressed Fraser as Sir +Charles.’</p> + +<p>‘But how did you manage about the +photograph?’</p> + +<p>‘That was done by means of a bet. Old +Mitten is a great believer in system, and has +his own infallible method for cataloguing +photographic negatives so that a mistake is +impossible. I chaffed him about it and told +him that I would cause him to enter two +lots of negatives wrongly. I offered to bet +a sovereign on it and he accepted with +avidity. I then settled with Fraser what we +would do. Fraser booked an appointment +with the photographer for the morning that +I left for London, and I booked another for +myself in the afternoon, the appointments +being made by post. I kept Fraser’s appointment +just before I left for the station, and +Fraser kept mine in the afternoon after he +had finished with Hammond’s butler. Mitten +found out what had been done, of course, +catalogued the negatives correctly, and has +collected his sovereign. But I understand +that he has not informed his employer, on the +ground that the employer dislikes larks. The +entries in the appointment book remain as +they were. So that it is on record that I was +photographed in the afternoon, though the +photographic negatives entered under my +name are really those taken from me in the +morning.’</p> + +<p>‘This,’ said the chairman, ‘is the most +elaborate attempt we have had. Nobody else +claims to have been seen in two places at the +same time. I do not say that the evidence +is perfect, but then the evidence of an alibi +must always have a hole in it somewhere. +Does anybody claim to have beaten it? +Nobody? Then I have no hesitation in deciding +in Sir Charles’s favour, and I congratulate +him on the distinction—which, so far, has +been held by Mr Pusely-Smythe alone—of +winning the prize on two successive occasions.’</p> + +<p>The next problem was now read out. It +was entitled ‘The Threepenny Problem,’ and +ran as follows: ‘It is required to offer a +half-crown for a threepenny bus-fare, and to receive +the change wholly in threepenny bits. No +gift or promise of a gift may be made to the +conductor to induce him to give the change +in this form.’</p> + +<p>‘That’s the easiest we’ve ever had,’ grumbled +Major Byles. ‘So, of course, it’s my turn +to be in the chair, and I can’t compete.’</p> + +</div> + +<hr class="x-ebookmaker-drop"> + +<div class="chapter" id="ch10"> + +<h2>No. X. <br> The Threepenny Problem</h2> + +<p>‘Childs-play,’ said Major Byles, ‘that’s what +this problem is. It is required to offer a +half-crown for a threepenny bus-fare, and to +receive the change wholly in threepenny-bits. +And you’re not allowed to give the conductor +anything or promise him anything as an +inducement to let you have the nine threepennies. +It’s my belief that you’d only have to ask in +a civil way, and any conductor would do it +for you. A more obliging set of men than +the London bus-conductors couldn’t be found, +except, perhaps, the London police. I don’t +call it a problem at all. You’ll all win, of +course, and that will mean a comfortable tenner +for every member of the club except myself—just +because I’m stuck up here in the chair. +It’s scandalous.’ He snipped the end of a +cigar ferociously, and lit it as if he took pleasure +in its destruction—which, indeed, may have +been the case. ‘However, I must do my +duty, and I’ll call on my reverend friend, Mr +Cunliffe, to tell us what he has done about it.’</p> + +<p>‘My story is a sad one,’ said the Rev. +Septimus Cunliffe. ‘It leads me to believe +that our chairman has over-estimated the +amiability of the conductors and +underestimated the difficulty of the problem. I +gave a half-crown for a threepenny fare, and +told the man that it would be a great +kindness if he could let me have my change in +threepenny pieces. He never said a word, +but handed me a florin and three coppers.</p> + +<p>‘ “Did you hear what I asked you?” I +said to him.</p> + +<p>‘ “Oh, yes,” he said, “I heard. If you +want all them threepennies, you’d better get +them out of the blanky offertory-bag next +Sunday!” ’</p> + +<p>‘Extraordinary,’ said the chairman. +‘Something must have occurred to ruffle the +man’s temper. Did you find any difficulty, +Bunford?’</p> + +<p>‘I failed absolutely,’ said Sir Charles +Bunford. ‘No doubt I made a mistake in putting +my request during the busy hour of the +morning. The conductor looked resigned but +sardonic.</p> + +<p>‘ “Want it all in threepennies, do you?” +he said. “Would you like them of any +particular year?”</p> + +<p>‘I said that the date was immaterial. Any +year would do.</p> + +<p>‘ “That’s all right,” he said. “Then you +can wait for next year’s.” And he gave me +a shilling, a sixpence, and ninepence in what +is generally described at the inquest as bronze.’</p> + +<p>‘Of course,’ said the chairman, ‘it was a +mistake to bother the man when he was busy. +And a little tact is wanted. If I’d been in +for this competition myself I shouldn’t just +have asked for my change in threepennies, I +should have given some plausible reason for +wanting it.’</p> + +<p>‘With great respect, sir,’ said Mr Quillian, +‘I must differ from you. I had the same +idea and tried it. I told the conductor that I +had a bet that I would get my change entirely in +threepennies. I thought it would appeal to +his sporting instinct. All he said was, “You’ve +lost, then,” and gave me the change without +as much as one threepenny in it. Seemed +rather pleased about it, too.’</p> + +<p>‘I’d much the same experience,’ said Dr +Alden. ‘As I gave the man my half-crown I +mentioned that I was a collector of threepenny +bits, and asked him if he could help me. He +gave me two shillings and three pennies.</p> + +<p>‘ “Well,” he said, “if you like to step off +at the Bank of England and ask the Chief +Cashier to give you threepennies for that little +lot, you can mention my name.” ’</p> + +<p>‘It’s quite possible,’ said the chairman, +‘that those conductors had not got the +threepennies to give you. I go for days sometimes +without as much as seeing a threepenny bit. +It really looks as if the problem presented +more difficulties than I had at first supposed. +Did you manage to surmount them, Mr +Matthews?’</p> + +<p>‘Can’t say I did, though I took a lot of +trouble about it. There’s no two ways about +it—if you put an unreasonable request to a +complete stranger, whether he’s a bus-conductor +or anything else, you’re likely to be +sat on and not to get what you want either. +I picked a bus in the slack time, running +nearly empty, with a good-natured-looking +conductor. I chatted with him for five minutes, +and got him friendly disposed towards me, +before I even mentioned threepennies. Then +I asked him if he got many of them. He +said he took enough of them to fill a pint-pot +some days and he wished he didn’t. They +were finicky things to handle and easy dropped. +Well, that was a very good start. I gave him +a half-crown for my threepenny ticket and +told him that I would be glad to take as many +threepenny bits off his hands as he liked to +give me. Said I wanted them for a young +nephew of mine. The man was quite willing, +and if anybody had offered me twenty pounds +just then for my chance of winning the prize +to-night I’d have refused it. If anybody +would give me twenty pence for the same +chance at the present moment I’d jump at +it. The trouble came in just as the chairman +has indicated. The man looked through his +silver and did his best for me, but one solitary +threepenny was all he could raise. I got that +one, of course, but one is not nine. It was +just rotten bad luck. He said that nineteen +days in twenty he could have given me a dozen +of them, but he supposed it had to happen +so.’</p> + +<p>‘You call that bad luck?’ said the Hon. +James Feldane gloomily. ‘Not half as bitter +as mine.’</p> + +<p>‘We’ll have the story of your failure, +Jimmy,’ said the chairman.</p> + +<p>‘Failure’s nothing. I’ve failed before and +shall do again. It’s what happened afterwards +that worries me. All the same, I don’t +know that I should have failed if I had simply +trusted to my own judgment, but the woman +looked so smart and brainy that I let myself +be influenced, though she was really talking +clotted nonsense.’</p> + +<p>‘You’re getting on too quickly,’ said the +chairman. ‘To what woman do you refer?’</p> + +<p>‘How should I know? I haven’t an idea +what her name is. She was one of a pack of +hens that I found cackling in my sister’s +drawing-room. They were discussing their +maids and how to manage them, same as +women have always done since the year one. +The brainy-looking one said that when she +had a reasonable order to give a maid, she +always put it in the form of a request; but +if she had an unreasonable request to make +to a maid, she always put it in the form of +an order. She said that this always bluffed +the maid out. I thought there might be +something in that bit of wisdom. If you give +an order in an ordinary way, as if it were a +matter of course, it may get taken in that +spirit. Anyway, I thought I’d try it with +the bus-conductor. I gave him my half-crown, +and said in my light and casual way. +“Threepenny ticket. And give me my change +in threepenny bits.”</p> + +<p>‘He didn’t say anything. He just glared +at me. If he had said anything it would +probably have scorched the top off the bus. +He gave me my change—with never a threepenny +bit in it—and then glared some more. +He’d got rather a good glare. Broke up my +nerves, anyhow. At the next corner I hopped +off.</p> + +<p>‘Now mark the sequel. A little later I +owed a taxi eightpence, gave the man a +half-crown and waited for my change. “Sorry, +sir,” said the man, “but I shall have to give +you six threepenny bits. I’ve got no other +silver.”</p> + +<p>‘And that’s the way things happen. When +you want a thing you can’t get it, and when +you don’t want it it’s chucked at you.’</p> + +<p>‘Well, really,’ said the chairman, without +a blush, ‘as I foresaw, this turns out to be a +very difficult problem. No interruptions, +please. I know that I did not actually say +that it was very difficult, but it was in my +mind. It looked easy, as I pointed out in my +opening remarks, but nobody knows better +than I do that appearances are often deceptive. +I shall call upon our great expert and +prize-winner, Mr Pusely-Smythe. I am confident +that he will have realised the difficulties and +taken his measures accordingly.’</p> + +<p>Mr Pusely-Smythe smiled grimly and +sardonically. ‘Thank you, sir,’ he said, ‘for +your kind words. I do not want to brag, but +I gave this problem my very earnest +consideration, and I do think that I realised some +at least of the difficulties before me. I saw, +firstly, that it was possible and even probable +that the conductor might not have nine +threepenny-bits to give me. Now some +company-promoters have found out that the best way +to get gold out of a gold-mine is to start by +putting a little gold into it. I adopted that +principle. I selected a certain bus on a +certain route. I arranged that on the journey +just before I made my appearance no fewer +than twelve passengers would pay their fares +with threepenny-bits. It only required a +little organisation. If you tell a human boy +or even a human girl to take your threepenny +bit, pay a penny bus fare with it, and keep +the change, you get willing service without +any troublesome demand for explanations. +Secondly, I had to have a story to tell the +conductor that would induce him to oblige +me. I was prepared to tell him that a +friend had promised me that if I could +collect a thousand threepenny-bits for the +London Hospital, he would add double that +amount to it.</p> + +<p>‘I notice, sir, an unworthy expression of +suspicion on the face of my learned friend +Mr Quillian. My story for the conductor +was not only plausible—it was actually true. +I was the man who had made that promise +to myself. (If I am not my own friend, who +is?) Further, I was so absolutely certain of +success that I remitted the sum in question, +thirty-two pounds ten shillings, to the hospital +and have a receipt for it. When I deducted +the thirty-two pounds ten shillings expenditure +from the hundred and ten pounds prize, I +calculated that it would still leave a living wage +for myself. Well, that was the position. I +saw that there were two main difficulties in +this problem, and I had arranged to meet +both of them.’</p> + +<p>‘Quite so,’ said the chairman. ‘As I’ve +always said, these things need to be worked +out in a clear-minded and systematic way. +And the result was all right?’</p> + +<p>Pusely-Smythe’s smile was more sardonic +than ever. ‘Much depends on the point of +view; it was all right from some points of +view. Punctually at the time I had fixed I +took my seat on the top of the bus I had +selected. About a minute later the conductor +came up to collect the fares. I felt for my +half-crown. I had not got any half-crown. +I had no money on me whatever. I had +inadvertently left my money at home. There +was nobody on the bus to whom I could apply +for temporary assistance. Well, there was no +help for it. The conductor was weary, but +firm. He told me to hop off the bus and not +to try it on again. I hopped. It may have +been all right from the point of view of the +other competitors, but from my own point +of view it was less satisfactory. And it only +shows, as we all know, that you may lose +your game by missing a perfectly easy shot.’</p> + +<p>Mr Wildersley, A.R.A., had demanded +threepennies from a conductor on the ground +that he was collecting them. The conductor +had replied that he was there to take the fares, +not to supply private museums. Mr Austin +had met a most obliging conductor, who, +however, had no threepennies in his +possession. Lord Herngill and Mr Hesseltine had +only contemptuous refusals to record.</p> + +<p>This, of course, happened before the war. +In times when the gentler, kindlier, and +more refined sex has charge of our public +vehicles, the problem might prove easy of +solution.</p> + +<p>‘Well,’ the chairman began, ‘it looks as +if the whole lot of you duffers had failed.’ +Here the secretary, Lord Herngill, whispered +a few warning words in his ear, and the +chairman nodded assent.</p> + +<p>‘Yes,’ he resumed, ‘it may look to you +duffers as if the whole lot of you had failed, +but of course that would be wrong. Nobody +has succeeded in getting nine threepennies in +change. But in that case the nearest +approximation to that number wins. Mr Matthews +got one threepenny, and conformed to the +conditions. Nobody else even got one. Therefore +I declare Mr Matthews to be the winner, +and the club cheque for one hundred and ten +pounds will be drawn to his order.’</p> + +<p>Jimmy Feldane confided his private sorrows +to his friend Hesseltine. ‘I don’t mind old +Matthews winning. He’s a genial old bird, +and what he don’t know about the noble art +of dining ain’t worth worrying over. But +there is just one thing that makes me want +to kick myself round and round this room +till I get giddy. When Matthews told us +his yarn, he said he’d take twenty pence for +his chance of the prize. I ought to have +been on to it in a flash, if not sooner. +One-and-eight for a sporting chance of a hundred +and ten pounds is good enough. The more +I think of it, the more I see that I ought +not to be allowed out except in charge of a +nursemaid.’</p> + +<p>‘Oh, we all missed that chance,’ said +Hesseltine. ‘Maybe a little drink might do +us some good.’</p> + +<p>While they were taking the medicine +indicated, the chairman read out the problem +which was to employ them during the following +month. The fantastic editor of <i>The Pig-Keepers’ +Friend</i> had entitled it, ‘The Q-Loan +Problem,’ and its terms were as follows:—</p> + +<p>‘It is required in three days to borrow as +many things as possible, the name of each +thing to begin with the letter Q. Nothing +counts for the competition if its name is on +the list of more than one member. No money +may be given or promised in respect of any +loan.’</p> + +<p>‘And to-morrow morning, bright and early,’ +said Jimmy, ‘I’m off to the Zoo in a taxi to +see if I can’t borrow their quagga.’</p> + +</div> + +<hr class="x-ebookmaker-drop"> + +<div class="chapter" id="ch11"> + +<h2>No. XI. <br> The Q-Loan Problem</h2> + +<p>The problem which came up for adjudication +on this occasion was as follows:—</p> + +<p>‘It is required in three days to borrow as +many things as possible, the name of each +thing to begin with the letter Q. Nothing +counts for the competition if its name is on the +list of more than one member. No money may +be given or promised in respect of any loan.’</p> + +<p>‘I’ve arranged this,’ said Mr Austin, who +was the chairman for the evening, ‘so as to +avoid any overstrain for myself. I shall call +on that notorious painter and decorator, Mr +Wildersley, to begin with his list. When he +has finished he will call on somebody else. +The second man in his turn will name the +third, and so on. If anything is read out by +another member which is also down on your +own list, hold up your hand. The secretary will +keep the score. That leaves me absolutely +nothing to do until it is time to announce the +winner, and I shall probably go to sleep. So +don’t make any disturbing noises, please. You +can begin now, Wildersley.’</p> + +<p>‘My score is six,’ said Wildersley, ‘unless +some of you selfish men have had the same +ideas as I have. On my first day I borrowed +two things—one of which people seem to +show hesitation about lending, while the other +was a thing that very few people have got to +lend nowadays. In fact, I borrowed a quid +and a quill-pen.’</p> + +<p>Many hands went up.</p> + +<p>‘This is painful and surprising,’ said +Wildersley, ‘and reduces my score to four. On +the second day I visited a female relative, +said that I had a cold coming on, and had +no difficulty in borrowing some quinine and +a quilt.’</p> + +<p>But a show of hands indicated that others +had found it equally easy.</p> + +<p>‘That brings me down to two, but the last +two are good. I doubt if any other member +could have thought of them, or could have +borrowed them in any case. But I happen to +know a painter who has got whole wardrobes +full of costumes—uses them for his alleged +pictures. From him I borrowed, firstly, a +queue.’</p> + +<p>‘I appeal to the chairman,’ said Jimmy +Feldane confidently. ‘That word is spelled +with a K.’</p> + +<p>‘No,’ said the chairman. ‘You are probably +thinking of the Gardens of the same name.’</p> + +<p>‘In any case it’s the thing they have outside +the pit entrance, and you can’t borrow it.’</p> + +<p>‘That will be for Mr Wildersley to explain.’</p> + +<p>‘I did not borrow a crowd outside a pit +entrance,’ said Wildersley. ‘But I did borrow +the tie of a wig, which is another meaning of +the word. That’s one to me, anyhow. And +I also borrowed a quoif.’</p> + +<p>‘Surely, sir,’ said Mr Quillian, ‘that word +is spelled with a C?’</p> + +<p>The chairman consulted a useful work of +reference, and announced that the word was +spelled in both ways.</p> + +<p>‘May we have your authority for that +statement?’</p> + +<p>‘Standard dictionary.’</p> + +<p>‘And will you define a standard dictionary +for the purposes of this competition?’</p> + +<p>‘For the purposes of this competition a +standard dictionary is any dictionary that was +published subsequently to the eighteenth +century and cost more than fivepence-halfpenny +originally.’</p> + +<p>‘It doesn’t much matter really, for as the +word is also on my own list neither Wildersley +nor I can score it.’</p> + +<p>‘You might have said that before,’ said the +chairman. ‘It looks as if you were giving +me trouble on purpose.’</p> + +<p>And it is quite possible that his surmise was +correct. The Problem Club does not allow +its chairman to sleep when on duty. Sir +Charles Bunford requested him to state what +Mr Wildersley’s score was; and it may not +have been from inadvertence that Wildersley +neglected to name his successor and left it +to the chairman to do so. He called upon +Dr Alden.</p> + +<p>‘Well,’ said the Doctor, ‘I had borrowed +quinine, of course, but that has been ruled +out. I also borrowed some quassia from the +same man. No hands up? I think I score +one for quassia, if the chairman admits +it.’</p> + +<p>The chairman consulted his dictionary and +said that quassia appeared to be all right. He +was immediately asked by Mr Pusely-Smythe +if he could inform the members whether +quassia was a summer drink or an intermittent +fever.</p> + +<p>‘At the present moment,’ said Mr Austin +severely, ‘I am giving my most eager and +concentrated attention to the conscientious +discharge of my arduous duties. I cannot +be interrupted by purely frivolous questions. +Dr Alden will proceed.’</p> + +<p>‘I further borrowed a quadrant and a +thermometer.’</p> + +<p>‘I fear,’ said the chairman, ‘that I must +rule that the word thermometer does not +begin with the letter Q.’</p> + +<p>‘Your rapid grasp of these fine points, sir, +impels my admiration. But with great respect +I would point out that this thermometer +contained mercury, and therefore in borrowing +the thermometer I borrowed quicksilver. My +remaining loans consisted of a quarto and a +quotation.’</p> + +<p>But other members had borrowed both a +quarto and a quotation. Dr Alden was +accordingly left with a score of three.</p> + +<p>Major Byles, who came next, had done +better. In the course of a morning stroll +with a neighbouring landowner over his +property, he had borrowed some weird things. +His list consisted of a quarry, a quicksand, +some quickset, quitch-grass, and quick-lime. +And as none of these things had been +borrowed by any other member he scored +five. But he did not seem entirely happy +about it.</p> + +<p>‘The trouble with these problems,’ he said, +‘is that one has to do absolutely idiotic things, +and consequently one is likely to be thought +an absolute idiot. I did the best I could. I +invented quite a plausible story about a +geological friend to account for the quarry +and the quicksand. But I believe that my +neighbour goes about saying that poor old +Byles is far from well, and tapping his +forehead to indicate the nature of my complaint. +It’s most unpleasant. Still, five ain’t such a +bad score. How did you get on with that +quagga, Jimmy?’</p> + +<p>‘Nothing doing,’ said Jimmy. ‘I went to +the Zoo, just as I said I would. But, if you +ask me, the whole place is rotten with red +tape and officialism. They wouldn’t lend me +the blessed quagga, though I promised them +I’d return it in five minutes. Said it was not +customary to lend out the animals, and a lot +of silly talk like that. Quite obstinate about +it, too. I’d got Hesseltine there to take a +snapshot of me shepherding the quagga in +the wilds of Regent’s Park, and it simply +meant our valuable time thrown away. Also, +it appeared that quaggas are out of print and +they’d not got one.</p> + +<p>‘But quite apart from that I’m not claiming +to have won. I’ve only got two things down +on my list that have not been claimed so far. +The first was the queen of spades from a +pack of cards, and the second is the four kings +from the same pack. I don’t spell the word +king with a Q, but the four of them are a +quatorse, at piquet. But a score of two’s +no use, and I shall probably be described on +my tombstone as brainy but unfortunate. +Meanwhile I notice a sunny smile on the face +of our padre, as if he were a prize-winner. +He might tell us how he did it.’</p> + +<p>The Rev. Septimus Cunliffe had certainly +been energetic and industrious. To start +with he had called upon an old friend of his, +a man of some learning, with an interest in +music and a fair library. Here he had no +difficulty in borrowing Quixote, Quivedo, +Quintillian, Quain, and some quadrilles, +quartets, and quintets. He engaged his host in +a discussion as to the precise meaning of a +quip, a quirk, and a quiddity, persuaded him +to write down an instance of each, and +borrowed the instances. He borrowed a +quatrain of his host’s composition, and +twenty-four sheets of notepaper, which make a +quire.</p> + +<p>The next two days were less productive, +but he borrowed a specimen of quartz from +one man, and a dog, which was unquestionably +a quadruped, from another. A lady who was +interested in archery lent him a quiver. Loans +of a quoit, a quart of milk, and a quarter of +coal were also negotiated.</p> + +<p>But all the same, his smile of self-congratulation +was premature. He was not destined +to score eighteen, for the simple reason that +he had not borrowed a single thing which was +not on the list of either Lord Herngill, or +Mr Quillian, or Mr Pusely-Smythe. And they +in their turn could not score because everything +on their lists was also on the parson’s. +Industry had cancelled industry; ingenuity +had destroyed ingenuity.</p> + +<p>The only other member who could produce +a score at all was Mr Matthews. He registered +a modest score of one for having borrowed +a quarrel. It was in vain that Hesseltine +maintained that you could pick a quarrel but +could not borrow one. The chairman referred +to his standard dictionary and learned that +a quarrel was not necessarily a dispute; it +might be a diamond-shaped pane of glass, +which was, in fact, what Mr Matthews had +borrowed.</p> + +<p>‘Well,’ said the chairman, ‘Major Byles +is the winner, and I think he deserves to be. +The rest of you were a tame set of sheep, +laborious and ingenious, but without any +proper spirit of enterprise. But nobody +could walk out calmly one morning and borrow +a quarry and a quicksand unless he were really +adventurous. To do that was magnificent +and Elizabethan. I confess that I should +like to know what the neighbour said when +the Major borrowed the quitch-grass.’</p> + +<p>‘Oh, the old chap didn’t say much,’ said +Major Byles. ‘That was the last thing I +borrowed, and by that time he seemed rather +worried and nervous. I told him quite a good +story, too, about a nephew in London who +wanted a specimen for botanical purposes. +The real trouble was that, as it had to be a +loan, I sent the beastly weed back to him +three days later. That was when he decided +I really must have had a touch of the sun, +or had given way to the habit, or something +of that kind. But I shall live it down. Anyway, +I’ve won, and I don’t care if it snows.’</p> + +<p>‘Quite so. In the problems of this club, +as in the problems of life, it sometimes happens +that courage and character will do more than +low cunning to effect a solution. And I hope +that this will be a lesson to certain members +who, by a series of vexatious and needless +questions, have deprived me of my proper +rest this evening. However, I shall shortly +be taking it out of them at bridge, and they +have my forgiveness.’</p> + +<p>‘If,’ said Pusely-Smythe, ‘the chairman +has finished infringing the prerogative of our +padre by delivering a sermon, he will perhaps +inform us what the next problem is.’</p> + +<p>‘Certainly,’ said the chairman cheerfully. +‘I was forgetting. It is Dr Alden’s turn to +take the chair next time, but complications +have arisen. I’ve had a letter from the talented +editor of <i>The Pig-Keepers’ Friend</i>, who sets +our problems, and, as you will remember, was +introduced to us by Lord Herngill. It appears +that, in consequence of his personal knowledge +of the esteemed editor, Lord Herngill would +have an unfair advantage in this next +competition, and is therefore with his own consent +disqualified for it. But for the same reason +he is specially qualified to adjudicate on the +problem. I have mentioned the matter to +Herngill and the Doctor, and they are both +willing to exchange their turns as chairman. +So that, subject to your approval, Herngill +will be the chairman at our next meeting. +I will put it to you, gentlemen.’</p> + +<p>The proposal met with general approval.</p> + +<p>‘That’s all right,’ said the chairman. ‘Then +we can have the card-tables brought in. And +if I can only manage to cut with the Major, +I fancy that our opponents will have a pretty +thin time. This is his evening.’</p> + +<p>‘I do not wish,’ said Mr Quillian solemnly, +‘to dispute the statement, but even now we +do not know what the problem for next +month is to be.’</p> + +<p>‘You’re right,’ said the chairman; ‘you’re +absolutely right. It’s funny, but if I forget +a thing once I nearly always forget it twice. +However, as a matter of fact, I don’t yet +know it myself. Here it is in its sealed +envelope. We will investigate it.’</p> + +<p>He tore open the envelope and glanced at +the contents.</p> + +<p>‘Well,’ he said, ‘I really don’t know why +he made so much fuss about it. You couldn’t +have anything simpler. He calls it “The +Pig-Keeper’s Problem.” This is all it is: “It +is required to buy a copy of the current issue +of <i>The Pig-Keepers’ Friend</i>.” I don’t see any +difficulty about that, do you, Leonard?’</p> + +<p>But Leonard declined to be drawn. ‘I +should like to have notice of that question,’ +he said.</p> + +</div> + +<hr class="x-ebookmaker-drop"> + +<div class="chapter" id="ch12"> + +<h2>No. XII. <br> The Pig-Keeper’s Problem</h2> + +<p>‘Well, gentlemen,’ said the chairman, Lord +Herngill, ‘you have been required to purchase +a copy of the current issue of <i>The Pig-Keepers’ +Friend</i>. It is generally published on the +seventh of every month, but if the talented +editor happens to be thinking about something +else at the time—as occasionally happens—it +may come out a few days later. It is +published according to the law, but it cannot +be said to court circulation. It is exposed for +sale in certain places, but I doubt if any copy +has been purchased by the general public for +the last year—at any rate, not until the members +of this club went on the hunt for it. How +did you get on, Major Byles?’</p> + +<p>‘Wish I’d never gone in for it,’ snapped +the Major. ‘I told my regular newsagent to +get me a copy. He said he hadn’t heard of +it, but would make inquiries. At the end of +a week he came to me with a story that, as +far as he had been able to learn, the paper had +discontinued publication a year before. I +knew that was a lie, of course, and told him +so, and said I’d finished with him. There’s +only one other newsagent near me, and I +had to go to him. His beastly boy leaves the +wrong papers at the house every morning, +and seems to think I’m a Socialist like +himself. The end of it will be that I shall have +to eat my own words and go back to the +other man. Destroys all discipline, that kind +of thing.’</p> + +<p>Dr Alden, Pusely-Smythe, and several others +had hunted trade lists and directories in vain. +Mr Matthews had lavished money on advertisements, +offering a sovereign for a copy of +the current issue of <i>The Pig-Keepers’ Friend</i>, +and had received no reply.</p> + +<p>Sir Charles Bunford had written to an old +friend who held a high position at the British +Museum, asking him to get hold of some +recent number of <i>The Pig-Keepers’ Friend</i>, +and let him have the address at which it was +published. After some delay the friend replied +that he had seen a copy of the periodical, +and that it appeared to be the work of a +lunatic, and that the address given in it was +‘The Impersonation Society, Boswell Court, +Fleet Street.’</p> + +<p>‘It certainly looked to me,’ said Sir Charles, +‘as if I had got hold of the right end of the +stick. I found the office, which appeared to +occupy the whole of the top floor of the +building. The name of the society was painted +on the outer door, and underneath was the +legend, “Hours, Ten to Four.” It was then +eleven in the morning. I knocked and rang, +and could get no answer at all, and I could +hear no sound of any activity within. I came +back at three in the afternoon with the same +result. I then sent a letter, saying that I +required a copy of the current number of the +paper, and wished to know what amount I +should forward for the purpose; and to make +it quite certain I enclosed a stamped and +addressed envelope. Well, I got a reply, +with an illegible signature. It said that no +retail business was done at the office, but +that I could apply for the copy through the +usual channels. I still thought that I was +on the right line, and gave the address to my +newsagent and set him to work. The answer +he got was that the current issue was out of +print, all copies having been allocated. So +there I stuck.’</p> + +<p>‘You came rather near to it, though,’ said +the chairman. ‘Suppose we shorten matters. +Does any member claim to have won this +competition? Our friend Jimmy has been +looking rather pleased with himself all the +evening.’</p> + +<p>‘Have I?’ said Jimmy. ‘Well, I don’t +mind admitting that I’ve jolly good reason +to be pleased with myself just now, quite +apart from the competition. I’ve won that +too, as it happens. But I don’t take much +credit for it. Of course, you could say that it +was due to the improved habits and all that, +and I suppose that was so, more or less, but +the fact remains that I wasn’t even thinking +about the thing at the time, and if I hadn’t +forgotten my cigarette-case it would never +have happened. So if you don’t call it luck, +what are you to call it?’</p> + +<p>‘Mr Feldane,’ said the chairman, with +great gravity, ‘you are beginning your story +at the wrong end—that is, with the criticism +of it. I must ask you to tell us simply what +happened from the very commencement, and +as coherently as possible.’</p> + +<p>‘Certainly,’ said Jimmy indulgently, ‘any +old way that you happen to fancy. Well, to +start with, though as a matter of fact it had +been going on for more than a week before, +they asked me to dine with them at the house +on Wimbledon Common. So naturally I +jumped at it. I won’t say I had always been +addicted to the scenery of Wimbledon, but +there were certain private reasons.’</p> + +<p>‘Private reasons for dining at Wimbledon?’ +said Hesseltine reflectively. ‘I think I know +her name, don’t I?’</p> + +<p>‘Wish you wouldn’t interrupt just at the +moment when I’m being coherent. I was +going to dine at Wimbledon, and it takes some +doing to get there. My own little car was +in hospital, and the natural way seemed to +be to take a taxi, and let it tick up the +twopences until I wanted to go back. Then I +reflected that I had decided to give up all +silly extravagance, and on inquiry I found +that there was a place called Waterloo Station +from which I could book to Wimbledon. So +I did so. I didn’t smoke on my way out, +which must have been a kind of +absent-mindedness. It was on my way back that I +found that I had forgotten my cigarette-case. +Now nothing makes you feel you must smoke +so much as the knowledge that you can’t. +I hopped out at Vauxhall and found a taxi +right away—I’d got all the luck in the world +that night. I told the driver where to go and +to stop at a tobacconist’s, and do it soon. +The shop he stopped at, in a back street off a +side street, didn’t look up to much, but I was +desperate and ready to smoke anything that was +called a Turkish cigarette. Behind the counter +I found a fat, middle-aged man reading a book. +He gave me something that would do, took +my money, and called me sir. But he was +no more a tobacconist than I am.</p> + +<p>‘Tobacconists may do a lot of funny +things, but they don’t read the <i>Agamemnon</i> +of Æschylus in the original Greek, which is +what this blighter was doing. Nor do they +have manicured nails and an Oxford intonation—his +attempt at a Cockney accent was one +of the most pathetic failures I’ve ever met. +However, that’s not the point. The point +is that on the counter was a small pile of +copies of the current number of <i>The +Pig-Keepers’ Friend</i>. The number consisted of +sixteen pages, and they were very small pages, +and the price was one pound, but I did not +hesitate. I bought my copy, and I have it in +my pocket now. I’ll hand it up to our chairman. +I’ve had a glance at it myself, and I’m +inclined to agree with that Museum johnnie. +It’s got nothing to do with pigs. It’s mostly +poetry and the rest is foolishness. It beats +me altogether.’</p> + +<p>The chairman examined the copy of the +paper which had been handed to him. ‘There +is no doubt about it,’ he said. ‘This is a +copy of the current issue, and Mr Feldane +assures us that he bought it. No other claim +is put forward. The club’s cheque for one +hundred and ten pounds will therefore be +drawn to the order of Mr Feldane. Has any +member anything to add?’</p> + +<p>‘I have,’ said Mr Matthews. ‘The whole +thing wants clearing up, and I hope our chairman +will clear it. Is our problem-setter really +a lunatic? What is he doing with this weird +paper of his? What’s the Impersonation +Society? Who was the over-educated +tobacconist? We’d like the whole story.’</p> + +<p>And to this there was general assent.</p> + +<p>‘I’ve no objection,’ said Lord Herngill. +‘Willy Bunting has empowered me to tell +you anything I like about him, including the +truth. The fact is that in this problem the +members of this club have come up against +another organisation, the Impersonation +Society, which is one of Bunting’s curious +inventions.</p> + +<p>‘I first knew him as an undergraduate. I +thought a good deal of his ability both as a +poet and as an amateur actor. He was also +no end of a lark. He was not a lunatic, but he +had endless eccentricities. He had no +ambitions, a contempt for public opinion, and +a determination to do just as he liked. He +was sent down for impersonating one of the +proctors. He was beautifully made up, and +looked exactly like that proctor, but he had +the misfortune to meet the original in +Trumpington Street.</p> + +<p>‘This disaster did not greatly trouble him. +He had more money than was good for +him and was not intending to take up any +profession. He came to London, and shortly +afterwards he started the Impersonation +Society. His theory was that the ordinary +holiday is a mistake, and that what a tired +man or woman wants is not only a change of +place but a change of personality. In order +to get a complete rest you must, for the time +being, be somebody else. You must dress +and live like the character you have assumed +and you must even try to think like him. I +am by no means sure that there is not something +to be said for the idea. There must be +plenty of people who think so, for the membership +of the society has increased every year, +and includes some of the very last people that +you would expect to find in such an +organisation.</p> + +<p>‘For instance, the man that Jimmy found +in the tobacconist’s shop in the Vauxhall +neighbourhood, is in reality the head master +and proprietor of a large and successful +private school. All through term-time he is +treated with intense respect. Little boys call +him sir, and tremble before him. His assistant +masters treat him with a deference which they +are probably very far from feeling. He lives +in an atmosphere of sickening and insincere +flattery, and smoking is strictly prohibited. +So in his holiday he becomes a tobacconist’s +assistant, smokes all day, goes about in his +shirt-sleeves, treats customers with respect, +is respected by nobody himself, professes no +more virtues than he really has, and thoroughly +enjoys it. He says that it keeps him sane. +The shop itself is, of course, the property of +the society, and a resident manager trains those +members who wish to take a holiday there.</p> + +<p>‘I should perhaps explain why Sir Charles +Bunford was unable to obtain entrance to the +rooms of the society. He misinterpreted the +legend on the door. The hours are ten to +four, but they are from ten at night to four +in the morning. I may add that it was once +raided by the police, to the intense disappointment +of the police and to the great joy of the +members, particularly Willy Bunting.</p> + +<p>‘But I must tell you something of <i>The +Pig-Keepers’ Friend</i>. Willy’s nearest relative +is an irascible uncle, who told him that he +was wasting his life. Willy said that, on the +contrary, he was enjoying it. The uncle +maintained that Willy did nothing, and Willy +replied that he wrote poetry. Then the indignant +uncle did a foolish thing. He said that +he was prepared to bet a hundred pounds +that Willy never had a poem accepted by the +editor of any existing periodical published in +London. Willy jumped at that bet. That +moribund monthly, <i>The Pig-Keepers’ Friend</i> +was at that time in the market. It had lost +its circulation and had never had +advertisements. The wretched enthusiast who had +brought it into being was heartily sick of it. +Willy offered a fiver for it, which was more +than it was worth, and instantly became the +proprietor. He then appointed himself editor, +and in his editorial capacity accepted one of +his own poems and printed it in the next issue. +A prefatory note said that the editor had no +doubt that the weary pig-keeper would be +glad to beguile his hours of leisure with the +following poem by his esteemed contributor, +William Bunting. Willy sent a copy of it +to his uncle, received his hundred, and was +cut out of the uncle’s last will and testament.</p> + +<p>‘Having acquired the magazine, Willy +proceeded to make it the organ of the +Impersonation Society. He still printed his own +poems in it, and occasionally mine, but it was +principally devoted to the cryptic record of +the many strange activities of the Impersonation +Society. The original title was retained, +and occasional references to pigs and +pig-keeping will be found in it. For instance, in +the current number there are a number of +spoof inquiries from agonised pig-keepers +seeking the expert advice of the editor in their +difficulties. One of them asks how, in the +event of his pigs swarming, he is to know +which of them is the queen. The editor’s +replies are humorous and in some cases, I +regret to say, Rabelaisian.</p> + +<p>‘The present issue of the paper was on +sale at the tobacconist’s. It has also been +offered in the public streets by a supposed +newsvender every day for the last month. +The only copy purchased was bought by +Jimmy, who found it by accident. As the +paper is sold only by members, Mr Matthews +will understand why his advertisements failed +to get any result. And now that I’ve answered +your questions, I’d like to put one to our +prize-winner.’</p> + +<p>‘Go ahead,’ said Jimmy.</p> + +<p>‘How many times have you dined at +Wimbledon in the last week?’</p> + +<p>‘Four times, as it happens. You see, the +views there over the Common are really——’</p> + +<p>‘You needn’t continue. You’ve said +enough. I am sure that I may offer you the +hearty congratulations of the club on your +engagement.’</p> + +<p>‘Well, I’m blest,’ said Jimmy. ‘I am +engaged, I’m pleased and proud to say, but +how on earth did you know?’</p> + +<p>‘In many ways, and I’ll tell you one. Only +one thing on earth could have made you +forget your cigarette-case.’</p> + +<p>And naturally the next thing to do was to +drink to the health of Jimmy and his future +bride. And it was done with great enthusiasm.</p> + +<hr> + +<p>And here the chronicles of the Problem +Club must come to an end. The story of how +Willy Bunting became a member of the club +and subsequently retired from it, and how the +solution of one problem brought the Rev. +Septimus Cunliffe into the police-court, and +how the solution of another made Mr +Matthews miss his dinner, and how a negro +failed to get into the club, and how a girl of +seventeen was actually elected—these things +with many others must remain hidden in the +club archives.</p> + +</div> + +<hr class="x-ebookmaker-drop"> + +<div class="section" id="transcriber"> + +<h2>Transcriber’s Note</h2> + +<p>This transcription in based on the text of 1919 edition published +by W. Collins Sons & Co. Ltd. However, the following are believed +to be unambiguous errors in the text, and have been corrected:</p> + +<ul> + <li>“climbin” was changed to “climbing” (Chapter I).</li> + <li>“Pusely Smythe” was changed to “Pusely-Smythe” (Chapter VII).</li> + <li>Two misspellings of “<i>The Pig-Keepers’ Friend</i>” were corrected.</li> + <li>Seven occurrences of mismatched quotation marks have been repaired.</li> +</ul> + +</div> + +<div style='text-align:center'>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 75598 ***</div> +</body> +</html> + diff --git a/75598-h/images/cover.jpg b/75598-h/images/cover.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..25ab89f --- /dev/null +++ b/75598-h/images/cover.jpg diff --git a/75598-h/images/illus10.jpg b/75598-h/images/illus10.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..ab85a08 --- /dev/null +++ b/75598-h/images/illus10.jpg diff --git a/75598-h/images/illus2.jpg b/75598-h/images/illus2.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..7af6c3c --- /dev/null +++ b/75598-h/images/illus2.jpg diff --git a/75598-h/images/illus5.jpg b/75598-h/images/illus5.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..8e9235a --- /dev/null +++ b/75598-h/images/illus5.jpg diff --git a/75598-h/images/illus8.jpg b/75598-h/images/illus8.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..3bc4ba9 --- /dev/null +++ b/75598-h/images/illus8.jpg |
