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diff --git a/75571-0.txt b/75571-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6b06b99 --- /dev/null +++ b/75571-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,496 @@ + +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 75571 *** + + + + + +SYMPTOMS OF BEING 35 + + + + +OTHER BOOKS + +BY MR. LARDNER + + + GULLIBLE’S TRAVELS + MY FOUR WEEKS IN FRANCE + TREAT ’EM ROUGH + THE REAL DOPE + OWN YOUR OWN HOME + THE YOUNG IMMUGRUNTS + + + + +[Illustration: + +When a man has got a legal wife and 4 and no/100 children what does he +care if he is 35 or double that amt. Besides which they claim that 35 +is about the average of all grown ups in the world. If I was born above +the average would I keep it a secret? Don’t be silly. +] + + + + +Symptoms of Being 35 + + _By_ + RING W. LARDNER + + SILHOUETTES BY + HELEN E. JACOBY + +[Illustration] + + INDIANAPOLIS + THE BOBBS-MERRILL COMPANY + PUBLISHERS + + + + + COPYRIGHT 1921 + THE CROWELL PUBLISHING COMPANY + + COPYRIGHT 1921 + THE BOBBS-MERRILL COMPANY + + +_Printed in the United States of America_ + + PRESS OF + BRAUNWORTH & CO. + BOOK MANUFACTURERS + BROOKLYN, N. Y. + + + + +On reaching my dottage I ain’t makeing no complaints to the management +and I’m willing to accomodate with a few rules which has enabled me to +reach the age of 35 annums and which if stuck to faithful will bring +you the same results. + + + + +Symptoms of Being 35 + + +The other night one of my friends whose name is Legion got me on the +telephone some way another and wanted I should come over and call, but +that is all I done the last 3 or 4 times I had went over there and it +costs a lot of money even in a 4 bit limit. So I said no that I was +busy on a book which I had promised my publisher I would write it. + +“What is it about” says Legion. + +So I told him “How it feels to be 35.” + +“That guy must think you got a good memory” says Legion and hung up on +me. + +Well friends 35 is how young I am no matter how old I look, but I am so +use to haveing smart Alex make wise cracks when I tell them my age that +it don’t have no more effect on me now than the 6 day bicycle race. +Only I can’t figure why they think I would lie about it like I was +trying to pose as a boy chess marvel or something. When a man has got a +legal wife and 4 and no one hundredths children what does he care if he +is 35 or double that amt. Besides which they claim that 35 is about the +average of all the grown ups in the world. If I was above the average +would I keep it a secret? Don’t be silly. + +And don’t judge a person by their hair gents. Many a man that can +remember the first Ford has got more foliage on their egg than myself +and also I know several ball players in the big league to-day that is +anywheres from 5 to 30 yrs. younger than the present writer that when +the fish applauds them for makeing a 2 handed catch with 1 hand, you +wonder why they don’t take off their cap. Personly I am not sensitive +about my plummage. When my features got to the decision that one of +them would half to retract all I done was thank God they picked the +forehead and not the chin. The only hardship connected with pyorrhea +of the scalp is trying to act supprised when the barber says you are +looseing your hair. + +But I guess it ain’t only the loss of a few ebony ringlets that makes +me look senile. It seems like I was over estimated long before I begin +to molt. For inst. I can recall when I was 16 and had a thatch on my +dome like a virtuoso and I used to pal around with a boy who we will +call Geo. Dougan because that was his name and Geo. was going on 21. +Well this was in Niles, Mich., in the days when they sold 6 ⁷⁄₈ beer in +vases and for $.20 you could get enough to patrol 4th St. serenading +true music lovers of the opposing sex. In them hellcyon days 1 of the +few things that was vs. the law was selling it to minors and 2 or 3 +of the retail mchts. around town was pretty strick and time and again +I and Geo. would be out shopping and go in a store and order 2 vats +and Dave or Punk or who ever it happened to be would set one up for +me to knock over and then give Geo. a wise cracking smile and ask him +would he like a bottle of white pop. Incidentally I had a taste of that +lucius ambrosia at a ball game once and if the penalty for selling +honest old beer to minors was a $100 fine why 2 to 14 yrs. in a meat +grinder would be mild for a guy that sells white pop on the theory that +its a drink. + +[Illustration: + +When my features got to the decision that one of them would half to +retract all I done was to thank God they picked the forehead and not +the chin. The only hardship connected with pyorrhea of the scalp is +trying to act supprised when the barber says you are looseing your hair. +] + +Well Geo. would say “Aw come on Dave I am older than him.” But you +couldn’t fool Dave and the result was that we would half to take our +custom down to Pigeon’s where everybody that had a dime was the same +age and the only minors was the boys that tried to start a charge acct. + +I must hand it to Geo. for one thing. No matter how sore it made him +to get turned down he never told them the truth about me. And they +wouldn’t of believed him if he had of. No more than you birds believe +me now. + +But now in regards to this book: When the publisher asked me to write +it up I said I didn’t see how more than only a few people would be +interested because they was only a few that is this old. So he told me +that as a matter of fact pretty near everybody in the world that can +read is either 35 or a few mos. one way or the other and if I didn’t +think that was so to go and look it up in a book. So I looked up in the +encyclopedia and they was nothing in there like he said but I found out +a whole lot of other things that was news to me and maybe the reader +don’t know them neither so I will write them down. + +In the 1st. place it says that most people dies when they are 1 yr. old +and the 1st. 10 yrs. is the most fatalist. But if they’s a 100 thousand +people that can manage to get to be 10 yrs. old why then 749 of them +is pretty libel to die the next yr. After that the older you get the +longer you live up to when you are 59 and then you can just about count +on liveing 14 and seven-tenths yrs. more. In other wds. if you ain’t +one of the 749 that crokes between 10 and 11 why you are safe till +about June of the yr. when you are 73. So a person is a sucker to try +and take care of themself at my age and from now on I am going to be a +loose fish and run wild. + +Out in Benton Harbor, Mich. however, near where I use to live, they +have got a sex that calls themselfs the Holy Terrors or something that +claims you live as long as you are good and as soon as you do wrong you +die. But I notice that they all wear a beard so as the encyclopedia +can’t tell if they are 73 or 21. + +Another thing it says in the book is that figures compiled in Norway +and Sweden shows the death rate amongst bachelors is a lot more than +amongst married men even includeing murder. So anybody that is between +11 and 73 yrs. old and got a wife is practically death proof especially +if you are a Swede. + +[Illustration: + +In the 1st. place most people dies when they are 1 yr. old and the 1st. +10 yrs. is the most fatalist. But if they’s a 100 thousand people that +can manage to get to be 10 yrs. old why then 749 of them is pretty +libel to die the next yr.... So a person is a sucker to try and take +care of themself at my age and from now on I am going to be a loose +fish and run wild. +] + +But all that is either here or there. The idear is to tell how it feels +to be my age and I may as well get to it. Well in the 1st. place I am +speaking for myself only. I don’t know how the other 35 yr. olders +feels about it and don’t care. Probably the most of them don’t feel +near as old as the writer. Laughter is supposed to keep a man young but +if its forced laughter it works the opp. When a guy is named Ring W. +and is expected to split their sides when ever somebody asks if your +middle name is Worm which is an average of 365 times per annum over a +period of 35 annums, why it can’t help from telling on you. Or it don’t +lighten the wgt. of the yrs. none to half to snicker every time they +say Ring give me a ring or Ring why ain’t you a ring master in Ringling +Bros. And yet a number of birds has asked me if that was my real name +or did I assume it. They would probably ask the kaiser if he moved to +Holland to be near the tulips. + +I suppose that on the morning of their 21st. birthday the right kind +of a American citizen wakes up full of excitement and says to themself +“Now I am of age and can vote and everything.” And when they come to +what I often call the 35th. mile stone they are even more smoked up +with the thought that now they are eligible to be President and go +around all day stoop shouldered with the new responsibility. + +Well I don’t recall how I woke up the day I was 21 if at all but my +last birthday is still green and sour in my memory. I spent the most of +it in Mineola signing mortgages and if I thought of the White House it +was just to wonder if it would do any good to write and tell President +Wilson about the Long Island R. R. + +At the present writeing I have got so use to being 35 that I don’t know +if it feels any different from 34 or 33. But I can at lease state that +being 35 don’t feel nothing like being under 30. For inst. when the +telephone rings now days I am scared to death that its somebody asking +us to go somewheres for dinner or somewheres. Six yrs. ago I was afraid +it wasn’t. At 29 home was like they say on the vaudeville stage, a +place to go when all the other joints was closed up. At 35 its a place +you never leave without a loud squawk. + +A man don’t appreciate their home till you are up around par for 9 +holes. Under 30 you think of it as a dump where you can’t pick out what +you want to eat like roast Vt. turkey or a filet mignon or some of that +prune fed muskrat a la Biltmore. If Kathleen decides in the A. M. that +you are going to crave spare ribs at night why you can either crave +spare ribs at night or put on a hunger strike that won’t get you no +more sympathy than the hiccups. + +In them ribald days home is just a kind of a pest where you half to +choke down breakfast or they will think something ails you and talk +about sending for a Dr. And 1 or 2 evenings per wk. when you can’t +think of no reason to go out, its where you half to set around and wait +for 9 o’clock so as you begin to talk about going to bed and sometimes +things gets so desperate that you half to read a book or something. + +[Illustration: + +When the telephone rings now days I am scared to death that its +somebody asking us to go somewheres for dinner or somewheres. Six +yrs. ago I was afraid it wasn’t. At 29 home was like they say on the +vaudeville stage, a place to go when all the other joints was closed +up. At 35 its a place you never leave without a loud squawk. +] + +But at 35 you spell it with a big H. Its where you can take off your +shoes. Its where you can have more soup. Its where you don’t half to +say nothing when they’s nothing to say. Its where they don’t wait till +the meal is all over and then give you a eye dropper full of coffee +raw. Its where you don’t half to listen. Its where they don’t smear +everything with cheese dressing. Its where you can pan everybody +without it going no further. Its where they know you like doughnuts and +what you think about a banana. + +When you was 29 you didn’t care for the band to play Home sweet Home. +It was old stuff and a rotten tune any way. Now you hope they won’t +play it neither. Its a pretty tune but it makes you bust out crying. + +Bud Holland that lives over to Port Washington wrote a piece for a +magazine a wile ago where he said in it that it kind of shocked him to +find out that young people didn’t act like he was one of them no more. +Well he ain’t but it took the old gaffer a long time to find it out. +Here he is pretty near 39 and I guess the old Methuselum wants folks to +hide I Mary Mac Lane when he comes in the rm. + +[Illustration: + +But at 35 you spell Home with a big H. Its where you can take off your +shoes. Its where you can have more soup.... Its where you don’t half +to listen.... Its where you can pan everybody without it going no +further.... Its where they know you like doughnuts and what you think +about a banana. +] + +Well it was 5 or 6 yrs. ago when I realized that I was past my nonages +as they say. It come to me all of a sudden that the only compliments I +had for a long wile was what a pretty tie you got or something. Nothing +about my natural charms no more. It was an egg’s age since anybody had +called me to 1 side and whispered “I got a T. L. for you. Gertie thinks +your ears is immense.” + +I seen then that I wasn’t no longer a larva and I guess maybe it +hurt at first. But its like falling hair or the telephone service or +anything else. When you have lived with it a wile you don’t mind. Which +is just as well because they ain’t a wk. passes when you wouldn’t get +touched on the raw if they was any raw left. + +Like for inst. a few wks. back I was up in Boston where I got a young +and beautiful sister in law. When it come time to part from she and her +husband she kissed me 6 times which was suppose to be once for me and +once apiece for the Mrs. and 4 kiddies. Well I thought it was pretty +nice and got kind of excited about it till I looked at her husband to +see how he took it. He took it without batting an eye. To him it was +like as if she was kissing an old cab horse on a bet for the benefit of +the Red Cross. And when I had left and they was alone together, instead +of lepping at her throat with a terrible curse he probably says “Janey, +you’re a good game gal,” and she give him a kiss that meant something. + +[Illustration: + +A few wks. back I was up in Boston where I got a young and beautiful +sister in law. When it come time to part from she and her husband she +kissed me 6 times which was suppose to be once for me and once apiece +for the Mrs. and 4 kiddies. Well I thought it was pretty nice and got +kind of excited about it till I looked at her husband to see how he +took it. He took it without batting an eye. To him it was like kissing +an old cab horse on a bet for the benefit of the Red Cross. +] + +Now an incidence like this would of spoilt my whole trip if I didn’t +look at it in a sensible way which is to say to yourself, “Well if I +wasn’t in the Sears and yellow I wouldn’t of got them 6 kisses. And 6 +kisses is ¹⁄₂ a dozen kisses in any language.” + +Or for inst. out on the golf course. Suppose I and Grant Rice is +playing with some young whipper snapper like say Jack Wheeler and +they’s only 1 caddy for the 3 of us. “Take them two” says Jack pointing +to my and Grant’s bags but the caddy has all ready took them any way +as soon as he found out which ones belonged to which. Or when one of +my young brother in laws is around the house and I come in the rm. and +they are setting in the easy chair, why they jump up like food shot +from guns and say “Here take this chair.” + +All and all when you get hardened to it they’s many advantages in +reaching your dottage. When they’s 7 passengers for a 7 passenger car +its never you that has to take one of them little torture seats. When +your brother in law is here on a visit and the Mrs. thinks it would be +nice to have a fire in the fire place, you ain’t the one that has got +to ruin his clothes. Yes friends the benefits is many fold but if them +¹⁄₂ dozen kisses and a few stray others pretty near as good was all, +why you could still think to yourself Youth may get good service, but +35 ain’t makeing no complaints to the management neither. + +As for the gen. symptoms of 35 and vicinity as I have found them and +not speaking for nobody only myself you understand, the following +points may interest science: + +1. The patient sometimes finds himself and one lady the only people +left at the table and all the others is danceing. They seems to be +nothing for it but to get up and dance. You start and the music stops +and the young buddies on the flr. claps their hands for a encore. The +patient claps his hands too but not very loud and he hopes to high +heaven the leader will take it in a jokeing way. + +2. For some reason another its necessary to find some old papers and in +going through the trunk the patient runs acrost a bunch of souvenirs +and keep sakes like a note a gal wrote him in high school, a picture of +himself in a dirty football suit, a program of the 1907 May festival in +South Bend and etc. “Why keep this junk” he says and dumps them all in +the waste basket. + +3. The case develops nausea in the presents of all story tellers except +maybe Irvin Cobb and Riley Wilson and Bert Williams. Any others has to +work pretty fast to get him cornered. Violent chills attends the sound +of those saddest wds. of tongue or pen “I don’t know if you heard this +one or not but it struck me funny. It seems they was a woman went in a +drygoods store in Detroit to buy some towels. Stop me if you heard it +before.” You couldn’t stop them with big Bertha. The best funny storys +is Balzac’s because they are in a book and you don’t half to buy it. +But when you get up vs. one of these here voluntary stag entertainers +you either got to listen and laugh or they put you down as a dumb bell. + +[Illustration: + +The case develops nausea in the presents of all story tellers except +maybe Irvin Cobb and Riley Wilson and Bert Williams. Any others has +to work pretty fast to get him cornered.... The best funny storys is +Balzac’s because they are in a book and you don’t half to buy it. But +when you get up vs. one of these here voluntary stag entertainers you +either got to listen and laugh or they put you down as a dumb bell. +] + +4. The invalid goes to a ball game and along comes the last ¹⁄₂ of the +14th. innings and the score is 1 and 1 and the 1st. guy up makes a base +hit. The patient happens to look at his watch and it says 11 minutes to +6 and if he leaves the park right away he can make the 6:27 home where +as if he waits a few min. he will half to take the 6:54. Without no +hesitation he leaves the park right away and makes the 6:27. + +5. The subject is woke up at 3 A. M. by the fire whistle. He sniffles +but can’t smell no smoke. He thinks well it ain’t our house and goes +back to sleep. + +6. He sets down after breakfast to read the paper. The mail man comes +and brings him 3 letters. One of them looks like it was a gal’s +writeing. He reads the paper. + +7. He buys a magazine in April and reads the first instalment of a +misery serial. The instalment winds up with the servants finding their +master’s body in bed and his head in the ash tray. Everything pts. to +the young wife. Our patient forgets to buy the May number. + +8. Somebody calls up and says they are giveing a party Thursday night +for Mabel Normand and can you come. Our hero says he is sorry but +he will be in Washington on business. He hasn’t no more business in +Washington than Gov. Cox. + +9. They’s a show in town that you got to see like Frank Craven or +“Mecca.” “It’s a dandy night” says the Mrs. “Shall we drive in or take +the train?” “We will take the train” says our hero. + +These is a few of the symptoms as I have observed them and as I say I +am speaking for just myself and maybe I am a peculiar case. They may +not be another 35 yr. older in the world that is affected the same +way and in fact I know several suffers about that age which I am as +different than as day and night. Take Jess Willard for inst. He was +somewheres around 35 in July 1919 and Dempsey knocked him down 7 times +in one rd. He wouldn’t do that to me, not 7 times he wouldn’t. Or look +at Ty Cobb. Do you think they would get me to play center field and +manage a ball club for $30,000? Or would Jim Thorpe’s brother in law +look on him as too frail to hobble down in the basement and get a few +sticks of wood? + +On the other hand they might be 2 or 3 brother eagles in the mediocer +30s that is even more mildewed than me, but I am afraid they’s a whole +lot more of them feels like a colt. They take care of themselfs. When +they get up in the A. M. they take a cold plunge and then hang by their +eye teeth on a hook in the closet while they count 50 in Squinch. And +noons when they come back from their lunch of hot milk and ferns, they +roll over on the office rug 10 times without bending their shin. + +[Illustration: + +When they get up in the A. M. they take a cold plunge and then hang +by their eye teeth on a hook in the closet while they count 50 in +Squinch.... I can’t compete with these babies. I slice a few golf balls +in season but bet. Nov. and May the only exercise I get or want to get +is twice a wk. when I take the buttons out of shirt A and stick them in +shirt B. +] + +I can’t compete with these babies. I slice a few golf balls in season +but bet. Nov. and May the only exercise I get or want to get is twice a +wk. when I take the buttons out of shirt A and stick them in shirt B. + +They’s still another crowd yet that renews their youth by going back +every yr. to commencement or a class reunion or something. Well I don’t +know if I want to renew my youth or not. Leave bad enough alone is my +slogum. And in the 2d. place I don’t half to go nowheres to a class +reunion. I could hold it in the bath tub. I was the only one that +graduated when I did as it was in March of my freshman yr. and they +didn’t seem to be haveing no commencement exercises for nobody else. I +guess I must have been one of these here infantile proteges like that +11 mos. old junior they got up to Columbia. + +No book of this kind would be complete without shooting a few wds. of +unwanted advice at my youngers and betters. For inst. John D. tells the +boys how to build up a fortune and John Jones tells them how to rise +from a white wings to a steeple jack. So it looks like it was up to me +to tell them how to get to be what I am, 35 yrs. old. + +Well my lads they’s 4 rules that I made and have stuck to them and I +think you will find they’ll bring you the same results. The 1st. rule +is don’t die the 1st. yr. The 2d. rule is don’t be one of the 749 that +dies when they are 11. The 3d rule is don’t pick a quarrel with a man +like Dempsey. And the 4th. and last rule is marry a girl like Sue. + +In explanations of that last rule I will say that the one I married +ain’t Sue but the name don’t make no differents if she is the right +kind of a gal. And the reason I say that is because its customary in +these intimate capital I talks to throw in a paragraph of blurb about +the little woman. What ever success a man has had he has got to pretend +he owes it to Her. So if they’s any glory to be gleaned out of my +success in reaching 35 and looking even older why she can have it. + + +THE END + + * * * * * + + + + +Transcriber’s note + + +Spelling has been retained as originally published. + + + + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 75571 *** |