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+
+*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 75571 ***
+
+
+
+
+
+SYMPTOMS OF BEING 35
+
+
+
+
+OTHER BOOKS
+
+BY MR. LARDNER
+
+
+ GULLIBLE’S TRAVELS
+ MY FOUR WEEKS IN FRANCE
+ TREAT ’EM ROUGH
+ THE REAL DOPE
+ OWN YOUR OWN HOME
+ THE YOUNG IMMUGRUNTS
+
+
+
+
+[Illustration:
+
+When a man has got a legal wife and 4 and no/100 children what does he
+care if he is 35 or double that amt. Besides which they claim that 35
+is about the average of all grown ups in the world. If I was born above
+the average would I keep it a secret? Don’t be silly.
+]
+
+
+
+
+Symptoms of Being 35
+
+ _By_
+ RING W. LARDNER
+
+ SILHOUETTES BY
+ HELEN E. JACOBY
+
+[Illustration]
+
+ INDIANAPOLIS
+ THE BOBBS-MERRILL COMPANY
+ PUBLISHERS
+
+
+
+
+ COPYRIGHT 1921
+ THE CROWELL PUBLISHING COMPANY
+
+ COPYRIGHT 1921
+ THE BOBBS-MERRILL COMPANY
+
+
+_Printed in the United States of America_
+
+ PRESS OF
+ BRAUNWORTH & CO.
+ BOOK MANUFACTURERS
+ BROOKLYN, N. Y.
+
+
+
+
+On reaching my dottage I ain’t makeing no complaints to the management
+and I’m willing to accomodate with a few rules which has enabled me to
+reach the age of 35 annums and which if stuck to faithful will bring
+you the same results.
+
+
+
+
+Symptoms of Being 35
+
+
+The other night one of my friends whose name is Legion got me on the
+telephone some way another and wanted I should come over and call, but
+that is all I done the last 3 or 4 times I had went over there and it
+costs a lot of money even in a 4 bit limit. So I said no that I was
+busy on a book which I had promised my publisher I would write it.
+
+“What is it about” says Legion.
+
+So I told him “How it feels to be 35.”
+
+“That guy must think you got a good memory” says Legion and hung up on
+me.
+
+Well friends 35 is how young I am no matter how old I look, but I am so
+use to haveing smart Alex make wise cracks when I tell them my age that
+it don’t have no more effect on me now than the 6 day bicycle race.
+Only I can’t figure why they think I would lie about it like I was
+trying to pose as a boy chess marvel or something. When a man has got a
+legal wife and 4 and no one hundredths children what does he care if he
+is 35 or double that amt. Besides which they claim that 35 is about the
+average of all the grown ups in the world. If I was above the average
+would I keep it a secret? Don’t be silly.
+
+And don’t judge a person by their hair gents. Many a man that can
+remember the first Ford has got more foliage on their egg than myself
+and also I know several ball players in the big league to-day that is
+anywheres from 5 to 30 yrs. younger than the present writer that when
+the fish applauds them for makeing a 2 handed catch with 1 hand, you
+wonder why they don’t take off their cap. Personly I am not sensitive
+about my plummage. When my features got to the decision that one of
+them would half to retract all I done was thank God they picked the
+forehead and not the chin. The only hardship connected with pyorrhea
+of the scalp is trying to act supprised when the barber says you are
+looseing your hair.
+
+But I guess it ain’t only the loss of a few ebony ringlets that makes
+me look senile. It seems like I was over estimated long before I begin
+to molt. For inst. I can recall when I was 16 and had a thatch on my
+dome like a virtuoso and I used to pal around with a boy who we will
+call Geo. Dougan because that was his name and Geo. was going on 21.
+Well this was in Niles, Mich., in the days when they sold 6 ⁷⁄₈ beer in
+vases and for $.20 you could get enough to patrol 4th St. serenading
+true music lovers of the opposing sex. In them hellcyon days 1 of the
+few things that was vs. the law was selling it to minors and 2 or 3
+of the retail mchts. around town was pretty strick and time and again
+I and Geo. would be out shopping and go in a store and order 2 vats
+and Dave or Punk or who ever it happened to be would set one up for
+me to knock over and then give Geo. a wise cracking smile and ask him
+would he like a bottle of white pop. Incidentally I had a taste of that
+lucius ambrosia at a ball game once and if the penalty for selling
+honest old beer to minors was a $100 fine why 2 to 14 yrs. in a meat
+grinder would be mild for a guy that sells white pop on the theory that
+its a drink.
+
+[Illustration:
+
+When my features got to the decision that one of them would half to
+retract all I done was to thank God they picked the forehead and not
+the chin. The only hardship connected with pyorrhea of the scalp is
+trying to act supprised when the barber says you are looseing your hair.
+]
+
+Well Geo. would say “Aw come on Dave I am older than him.” But you
+couldn’t fool Dave and the result was that we would half to take our
+custom down to Pigeon’s where everybody that had a dime was the same
+age and the only minors was the boys that tried to start a charge acct.
+
+I must hand it to Geo. for one thing. No matter how sore it made him
+to get turned down he never told them the truth about me. And they
+wouldn’t of believed him if he had of. No more than you birds believe
+me now.
+
+But now in regards to this book: When the publisher asked me to write
+it up I said I didn’t see how more than only a few people would be
+interested because they was only a few that is this old. So he told me
+that as a matter of fact pretty near everybody in the world that can
+read is either 35 or a few mos. one way or the other and if I didn’t
+think that was so to go and look it up in a book. So I looked up in the
+encyclopedia and they was nothing in there like he said but I found out
+a whole lot of other things that was news to me and maybe the reader
+don’t know them neither so I will write them down.
+
+In the 1st. place it says that most people dies when they are 1 yr. old
+and the 1st. 10 yrs. is the most fatalist. But if they’s a 100 thousand
+people that can manage to get to be 10 yrs. old why then 749 of them
+is pretty libel to die the next yr. After that the older you get the
+longer you live up to when you are 59 and then you can just about count
+on liveing 14 and seven-tenths yrs. more. In other wds. if you ain’t
+one of the 749 that crokes between 10 and 11 why you are safe till
+about June of the yr. when you are 73. So a person is a sucker to try
+and take care of themself at my age and from now on I am going to be a
+loose fish and run wild.
+
+Out in Benton Harbor, Mich. however, near where I use to live, they
+have got a sex that calls themselfs the Holy Terrors or something that
+claims you live as long as you are good and as soon as you do wrong you
+die. But I notice that they all wear a beard so as the encyclopedia
+can’t tell if they are 73 or 21.
+
+Another thing it says in the book is that figures compiled in Norway
+and Sweden shows the death rate amongst bachelors is a lot more than
+amongst married men even includeing murder. So anybody that is between
+11 and 73 yrs. old and got a wife is practically death proof especially
+if you are a Swede.
+
+[Illustration:
+
+In the 1st. place most people dies when they are 1 yr. old and the 1st.
+10 yrs. is the most fatalist. But if they’s a 100 thousand people that
+can manage to get to be 10 yrs. old why then 749 of them is pretty
+libel to die the next yr.... So a person is a sucker to try and take
+care of themself at my age and from now on I am going to be a loose
+fish and run wild.
+]
+
+But all that is either here or there. The idear is to tell how it feels
+to be my age and I may as well get to it. Well in the 1st. place I am
+speaking for myself only. I don’t know how the other 35 yr. olders
+feels about it and don’t care. Probably the most of them don’t feel
+near as old as the writer. Laughter is supposed to keep a man young but
+if its forced laughter it works the opp. When a guy is named Ring W.
+and is expected to split their sides when ever somebody asks if your
+middle name is Worm which is an average of 365 times per annum over a
+period of 35 annums, why it can’t help from telling on you. Or it don’t
+lighten the wgt. of the yrs. none to half to snicker every time they
+say Ring give me a ring or Ring why ain’t you a ring master in Ringling
+Bros. And yet a number of birds has asked me if that was my real name
+or did I assume it. They would probably ask the kaiser if he moved to
+Holland to be near the tulips.
+
+I suppose that on the morning of their 21st. birthday the right kind
+of a American citizen wakes up full of excitement and says to themself
+“Now I am of age and can vote and everything.” And when they come to
+what I often call the 35th. mile stone they are even more smoked up
+with the thought that now they are eligible to be President and go
+around all day stoop shouldered with the new responsibility.
+
+Well I don’t recall how I woke up the day I was 21 if at all but my
+last birthday is still green and sour in my memory. I spent the most of
+it in Mineola signing mortgages and if I thought of the White House it
+was just to wonder if it would do any good to write and tell President
+Wilson about the Long Island R. R.
+
+At the present writeing I have got so use to being 35 that I don’t know
+if it feels any different from 34 or 33. But I can at lease state that
+being 35 don’t feel nothing like being under 30. For inst. when the
+telephone rings now days I am scared to death that its somebody asking
+us to go somewheres for dinner or somewheres. Six yrs. ago I was afraid
+it wasn’t. At 29 home was like they say on the vaudeville stage, a
+place to go when all the other joints was closed up. At 35 its a place
+you never leave without a loud squawk.
+
+A man don’t appreciate their home till you are up around par for 9
+holes. Under 30 you think of it as a dump where you can’t pick out what
+you want to eat like roast Vt. turkey or a filet mignon or some of that
+prune fed muskrat a la Biltmore. If Kathleen decides in the A. M. that
+you are going to crave spare ribs at night why you can either crave
+spare ribs at night or put on a hunger strike that won’t get you no
+more sympathy than the hiccups.
+
+In them ribald days home is just a kind of a pest where you half to
+choke down breakfast or they will think something ails you and talk
+about sending for a Dr. And 1 or 2 evenings per wk. when you can’t
+think of no reason to go out, its where you half to set around and wait
+for 9 o’clock so as you begin to talk about going to bed and sometimes
+things gets so desperate that you half to read a book or something.
+
+[Illustration:
+
+When the telephone rings now days I am scared to death that its
+somebody asking us to go somewheres for dinner or somewheres. Six
+yrs. ago I was afraid it wasn’t. At 29 home was like they say on the
+vaudeville stage, a place to go when all the other joints was closed
+up. At 35 its a place you never leave without a loud squawk.
+]
+
+But at 35 you spell it with a big H. Its where you can take off your
+shoes. Its where you can have more soup. Its where you don’t half to
+say nothing when they’s nothing to say. Its where they don’t wait till
+the meal is all over and then give you a eye dropper full of coffee
+raw. Its where you don’t half to listen. Its where they don’t smear
+everything with cheese dressing. Its where you can pan everybody
+without it going no further. Its where they know you like doughnuts and
+what you think about a banana.
+
+When you was 29 you didn’t care for the band to play Home sweet Home.
+It was old stuff and a rotten tune any way. Now you hope they won’t
+play it neither. Its a pretty tune but it makes you bust out crying.
+
+Bud Holland that lives over to Port Washington wrote a piece for a
+magazine a wile ago where he said in it that it kind of shocked him to
+find out that young people didn’t act like he was one of them no more.
+Well he ain’t but it took the old gaffer a long time to find it out.
+Here he is pretty near 39 and I guess the old Methuselum wants folks to
+hide I Mary Mac Lane when he comes in the rm.
+
+[Illustration:
+
+But at 35 you spell Home with a big H. Its where you can take off your
+shoes. Its where you can have more soup.... Its where you don’t half
+to listen.... Its where you can pan everybody without it going no
+further.... Its where they know you like doughnuts and what you think
+about a banana.
+]
+
+Well it was 5 or 6 yrs. ago when I realized that I was past my nonages
+as they say. It come to me all of a sudden that the only compliments I
+had for a long wile was what a pretty tie you got or something. Nothing
+about my natural charms no more. It was an egg’s age since anybody had
+called me to 1 side and whispered “I got a T. L. for you. Gertie thinks
+your ears is immense.”
+
+I seen then that I wasn’t no longer a larva and I guess maybe it
+hurt at first. But its like falling hair or the telephone service or
+anything else. When you have lived with it a wile you don’t mind. Which
+is just as well because they ain’t a wk. passes when you wouldn’t get
+touched on the raw if they was any raw left.
+
+Like for inst. a few wks. back I was up in Boston where I got a young
+and beautiful sister in law. When it come time to part from she and her
+husband she kissed me 6 times which was suppose to be once for me and
+once apiece for the Mrs. and 4 kiddies. Well I thought it was pretty
+nice and got kind of excited about it till I looked at her husband to
+see how he took it. He took it without batting an eye. To him it was
+like as if she was kissing an old cab horse on a bet for the benefit of
+the Red Cross. And when I had left and they was alone together, instead
+of lepping at her throat with a terrible curse he probably says “Janey,
+you’re a good game gal,” and she give him a kiss that meant something.
+
+[Illustration:
+
+A few wks. back I was up in Boston where I got a young and beautiful
+sister in law. When it come time to part from she and her husband she
+kissed me 6 times which was suppose to be once for me and once apiece
+for the Mrs. and 4 kiddies. Well I thought it was pretty nice and got
+kind of excited about it till I looked at her husband to see how he
+took it. He took it without batting an eye. To him it was like kissing
+an old cab horse on a bet for the benefit of the Red Cross.
+]
+
+Now an incidence like this would of spoilt my whole trip if I didn’t
+look at it in a sensible way which is to say to yourself, “Well if I
+wasn’t in the Sears and yellow I wouldn’t of got them 6 kisses. And 6
+kisses is ¹⁄₂ a dozen kisses in any language.”
+
+Or for inst. out on the golf course. Suppose I and Grant Rice is
+playing with some young whipper snapper like say Jack Wheeler and
+they’s only 1 caddy for the 3 of us. “Take them two” says Jack pointing
+to my and Grant’s bags but the caddy has all ready took them any way
+as soon as he found out which ones belonged to which. Or when one of
+my young brother in laws is around the house and I come in the rm. and
+they are setting in the easy chair, why they jump up like food shot
+from guns and say “Here take this chair.”
+
+All and all when you get hardened to it they’s many advantages in
+reaching your dottage. When they’s 7 passengers for a 7 passenger car
+its never you that has to take one of them little torture seats. When
+your brother in law is here on a visit and the Mrs. thinks it would be
+nice to have a fire in the fire place, you ain’t the one that has got
+to ruin his clothes. Yes friends the benefits is many fold but if them
+¹⁄₂ dozen kisses and a few stray others pretty near as good was all,
+why you could still think to yourself Youth may get good service, but
+35 ain’t makeing no complaints to the management neither.
+
+As for the gen. symptoms of 35 and vicinity as I have found them and
+not speaking for nobody only myself you understand, the following
+points may interest science:
+
+1. The patient sometimes finds himself and one lady the only people
+left at the table and all the others is danceing. They seems to be
+nothing for it but to get up and dance. You start and the music stops
+and the young buddies on the flr. claps their hands for a encore. The
+patient claps his hands too but not very loud and he hopes to high
+heaven the leader will take it in a jokeing way.
+
+2. For some reason another its necessary to find some old papers and in
+going through the trunk the patient runs acrost a bunch of souvenirs
+and keep sakes like a note a gal wrote him in high school, a picture of
+himself in a dirty football suit, a program of the 1907 May festival in
+South Bend and etc. “Why keep this junk” he says and dumps them all in
+the waste basket.
+
+3. The case develops nausea in the presents of all story tellers except
+maybe Irvin Cobb and Riley Wilson and Bert Williams. Any others has to
+work pretty fast to get him cornered. Violent chills attends the sound
+of those saddest wds. of tongue or pen “I don’t know if you heard this
+one or not but it struck me funny. It seems they was a woman went in a
+drygoods store in Detroit to buy some towels. Stop me if you heard it
+before.” You couldn’t stop them with big Bertha. The best funny storys
+is Balzac’s because they are in a book and you don’t half to buy it.
+But when you get up vs. one of these here voluntary stag entertainers
+you either got to listen and laugh or they put you down as a dumb bell.
+
+[Illustration:
+
+The case develops nausea in the presents of all story tellers except
+maybe Irvin Cobb and Riley Wilson and Bert Williams. Any others has
+to work pretty fast to get him cornered.... The best funny storys is
+Balzac’s because they are in a book and you don’t half to buy it. But
+when you get up vs. one of these here voluntary stag entertainers you
+either got to listen and laugh or they put you down as a dumb bell.
+]
+
+4. The invalid goes to a ball game and along comes the last ¹⁄₂ of the
+14th. innings and the score is 1 and 1 and the 1st. guy up makes a base
+hit. The patient happens to look at his watch and it says 11 minutes to
+6 and if he leaves the park right away he can make the 6:27 home where
+as if he waits a few min. he will half to take the 6:54. Without no
+hesitation he leaves the park right away and makes the 6:27.
+
+5. The subject is woke up at 3 A. M. by the fire whistle. He sniffles
+but can’t smell no smoke. He thinks well it ain’t our house and goes
+back to sleep.
+
+6. He sets down after breakfast to read the paper. The mail man comes
+and brings him 3 letters. One of them looks like it was a gal’s
+writeing. He reads the paper.
+
+7. He buys a magazine in April and reads the first instalment of a
+misery serial. The instalment winds up with the servants finding their
+master’s body in bed and his head in the ash tray. Everything pts. to
+the young wife. Our patient forgets to buy the May number.
+
+8. Somebody calls up and says they are giveing a party Thursday night
+for Mabel Normand and can you come. Our hero says he is sorry but
+he will be in Washington on business. He hasn’t no more business in
+Washington than Gov. Cox.
+
+9. They’s a show in town that you got to see like Frank Craven or
+“Mecca.” “It’s a dandy night” says the Mrs. “Shall we drive in or take
+the train?” “We will take the train” says our hero.
+
+These is a few of the symptoms as I have observed them and as I say I
+am speaking for just myself and maybe I am a peculiar case. They may
+not be another 35 yr. older in the world that is affected the same
+way and in fact I know several suffers about that age which I am as
+different than as day and night. Take Jess Willard for inst. He was
+somewheres around 35 in July 1919 and Dempsey knocked him down 7 times
+in one rd. He wouldn’t do that to me, not 7 times he wouldn’t. Or look
+at Ty Cobb. Do you think they would get me to play center field and
+manage a ball club for $30,000? Or would Jim Thorpe’s brother in law
+look on him as too frail to hobble down in the basement and get a few
+sticks of wood?
+
+On the other hand they might be 2 or 3 brother eagles in the mediocer
+30s that is even more mildewed than me, but I am afraid they’s a whole
+lot more of them feels like a colt. They take care of themselfs. When
+they get up in the A. M. they take a cold plunge and then hang by their
+eye teeth on a hook in the closet while they count 50 in Squinch. And
+noons when they come back from their lunch of hot milk and ferns, they
+roll over on the office rug 10 times without bending their shin.
+
+[Illustration:
+
+When they get up in the A. M. they take a cold plunge and then hang
+by their eye teeth on a hook in the closet while they count 50 in
+Squinch.... I can’t compete with these babies. I slice a few golf balls
+in season but bet. Nov. and May the only exercise I get or want to get
+is twice a wk. when I take the buttons out of shirt A and stick them in
+shirt B.
+]
+
+I can’t compete with these babies. I slice a few golf balls in season
+but bet. Nov. and May the only exercise I get or want to get is twice a
+wk. when I take the buttons out of shirt A and stick them in shirt B.
+
+They’s still another crowd yet that renews their youth by going back
+every yr. to commencement or a class reunion or something. Well I don’t
+know if I want to renew my youth or not. Leave bad enough alone is my
+slogum. And in the 2d. place I don’t half to go nowheres to a class
+reunion. I could hold it in the bath tub. I was the only one that
+graduated when I did as it was in March of my freshman yr. and they
+didn’t seem to be haveing no commencement exercises for nobody else. I
+guess I must have been one of these here infantile proteges like that
+11 mos. old junior they got up to Columbia.
+
+No book of this kind would be complete without shooting a few wds. of
+unwanted advice at my youngers and betters. For inst. John D. tells the
+boys how to build up a fortune and John Jones tells them how to rise
+from a white wings to a steeple jack. So it looks like it was up to me
+to tell them how to get to be what I am, 35 yrs. old.
+
+Well my lads they’s 4 rules that I made and have stuck to them and I
+think you will find they’ll bring you the same results. The 1st. rule
+is don’t die the 1st. yr. The 2d. rule is don’t be one of the 749 that
+dies when they are 11. The 3d rule is don’t pick a quarrel with a man
+like Dempsey. And the 4th. and last rule is marry a girl like Sue.
+
+In explanations of that last rule I will say that the one I married
+ain’t Sue but the name don’t make no differents if she is the right
+kind of a gal. And the reason I say that is because its customary in
+these intimate capital I talks to throw in a paragraph of blurb about
+the little woman. What ever success a man has had he has got to pretend
+he owes it to Her. So if they’s any glory to be gleaned out of my
+success in reaching 35 and looking even older why she can have it.
+
+
+THE END
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+Transcriber’s note
+
+
+Spelling has been retained as originally published.
+
+
+
+
+*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 75571 ***
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+    </style>
+</head>
+<body>
+<div style='text-align:center'>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 75571 ***</div>
+
+
+
+<h1>SYMPTOMS OF BEING 35</h1>
+
+
+<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop">
+
+<div class="chapter">
+<p class="ph3">OTHER BOOKS<br>
+BY MR. LARDNER</p>
+</div>
+
+
+<p class="center">
+<span class="smcap">Gullible’s Travels</span><br>
+<span class="smcap">My Four Weeks in France</span><br>
+<span class="smcap">Treat ’Em Rough</span><br>
+<span class="smcap">The Real Dope</span><br>
+<span class="smcap">Own Your Own Home</span><br>
+<span class="smcap">The Young Immugrunts</span><br>
+</p>
+
+
+<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop">
+
+<div class="chapter">
+<figure class="figcenter illowp100" id="pageb4title_2" style="max-width: 64em;">
+  <img class="w100" src="images/pageb4title.jpg" alt="">
+  <figcaption class="caption">When a man has got a legal wife and 4
+and <span class="num">no</span>/<span class="den">100</span> children what does he care
+if he is 35 or double that amt. Besides which
+they claim that 35 is about the average of all
+grown ups in the world. If I was born above
+the average would I keep it a secret? Don’t
+be silly.
+
+</figcaption>
+</figure>
+
+</div>
+<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop">
+
+
+<div class="chapter">
+<p class="ph2">
+Symptoms of Being 35</p>
+<br>
+<p class="ph4"><i>By</i></p>
+<p class="ph3">RING W. LARDNER
+</p>
+<p class="ph4">SILHOUETTES BY</p>
+<p class="ph3">HELEN E. JACOBY</p>
+
+<figure class="figcenter illowp96" id="titledetail" style="width: 6.25em;">
+  <img class="w100" src="images/titledetail.jpg" alt="" data-role="presentation">
+</figure>
+
+<p class="ph3">INDIANAPOLIS<br>
+THE BOBBS-MERRILL COMPANY<br>
+PUBLISHERS<br>
+</p>
+</div>
+<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop">
+
+
+<div class="chapter">
+<p class="ph4">
+<span class="smcap">Copyright 1921<br>
+The Crowell Publishing Company</span><br>
+<br>
+<span class="smcap">Copyright 1921<br>
+The Bobbs-Merrill Company</span><br>
+<br>
+<br>
+<i>Printed in the United States of America</i><br>
+<br>
+PRESS OF<br>
+BRAUNWORTH &amp; CO.<br>
+BOOK MANUFACTURERS<br>
+BROOKLYN, N. Y.<br>
+</p>
+</div>
+
+
+<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop">
+
+<div class="chapter">
+<p>On reaching my dottage I ain’t
+makeing no complaints to the
+management and I’m willing to
+accomodate with a few rules which
+has enabled me to reach the age of 35
+annums and which if stuck to faithful
+will bring you the same results.</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop">
+
+<div class="chapter">
+<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_13">[Pg 13]</span></p>
+<h2 class="nobreak" id="Symptoms_of_Being_35">Symptoms of Being 35</h2>
+</div>
+
+
+<p>The other night one of my friends
+whose name is Legion got me on the
+telephone some way another and
+wanted I should come over and call,
+but that is all I done the last 3 or 4
+times I had went over there and it
+costs a lot of money even in a 4 bit
+limit. So I said no that I was busy on
+a book which I had promised my publisher
+I would write it.</p>
+
+<p>“What is it about” says Legion.</p>
+
+<p>So I told him “How it feels to be
+35.”</p>
+
+<p>“That guy must think you got a
+good memory” says Legion and hung
+up on me.</p>
+<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_14">[Pg 14]</span></p>
+<p>Well friends 35 is how young I am
+no matter how old I look, but I am so
+use to haveing smart Alex make wise
+cracks when I tell them my age that
+it don’t have no more effect on me
+now than the 6 day bicycle race.
+Only I can’t figure why they think I
+would lie about it like I was trying to
+pose as a boy chess marvel or something.
+When a man has got a legal
+wife and 4 and no one hundredths
+children what does he care if he is 35
+or double that amt. Besides which
+they claim that 35 is about the average
+of all the grown ups in the world.
+If I was above the average would I
+keep it a secret? Don’t be silly.</p>
+
+<p>And don’t judge a person by their
+hair gents. Many a man that can remember
+the first Ford has got more
+<span class="pagenum" id="Page_15">[Pg 15]</span>foliage on their egg than myself and
+also I know several ball players in the
+big league to-day that is anywheres
+from 5 to 30 yrs. younger than the
+present writer that when the fish applauds
+them for makeing a 2 handed
+catch with 1 hand, you wonder why
+they don’t take off their cap. Personly
+I am not sensitive about my
+plummage. When my features got to
+the decision that one of them would
+half to retract all I done was thank
+God they picked the forehead and not
+the chin. The only hardship connected
+with pyorrhea of the scalp is
+trying to act supprised when the barber
+says you are looseing your hair.</p>
+
+<p>But I guess it ain’t only the loss of
+a few ebony ringlets that makes me
+look senile. It seems like I was over
+<span class="pagenum" id="Page_16">[Pg 16]</span>estimated long before I begin to molt.
+For inst. I can recall when I was 16
+and had a thatch on my dome like a
+virtuoso and I used to pal around
+with a boy who we will call Geo.
+Dougan because that was his name
+and Geo. was going on 21. Well this
+was in Niles, Mich., in the days when
+they sold 6 <span class="num">7</span>/<span class="den">8</span> beer in vases and for
+$.20 you could get enough to patrol
+4th St. serenading true music lovers
+of the opposing sex. In them hellcyon
+days 1 of the few things that was vs.
+the law was selling it to minors and
+2 or 3 of the retail mchts. around
+town was pretty strick and time and
+again I and Geo. would be out shopping
+and go in a store and order 2
+vats and Dave or Punk or who ever it
+happened to be would set one up for
+<span class="pagenum" id="Page_19">[Pg 19]</span>me to knock over and then give Geo.
+a wise cracking smile and ask him
+would he like a bottle of white pop.
+Incidentally I had a taste of that
+lucius ambrosia at a ball game once
+and if the penalty for selling honest
+old beer to minors was a $100 fine
+why 2 to 14 yrs. in a meat grinder
+would be mild for a guy that sells
+white pop on the theory that its a
+drink.</p>
+
+<figure class="figcenter illowp82" id="p17" style="max-width: 64em;">
+  <img class="w100" src="images/p17.jpg" alt="">
+  <figcaption class="caption">When my features got to the decision
+that one of them would half to retract
+all I done was to thank God they picked the
+forehead and not the chin. The only hardship
+connected with pyorrhea of the scalp is trying
+to act supprised when the barber says you are
+looseing your hair.
+</figcaption>
+</figure>
+
+
+<p>Well Geo. would say “Aw come on
+Dave I am older than him.” But you
+couldn’t fool Dave and the result was
+that we would half to take our custom
+down to Pigeon’s where everybody
+that had a dime was the same age and
+the only minors was the boys that
+tried to start a charge acct.</p>
+
+<p>I must hand it to Geo. for one
+<span class="pagenum" id="Page_20">[Pg 20]</span>thing. No matter how sore it made
+him to get turned down he never told
+them the truth about me. And they
+wouldn’t of believed him if he had of.
+No more than you birds believe me
+now.</p>
+
+<p>But now in regards to this book:
+When the publisher asked me to write
+it up I said I didn’t see how more
+than only a few people would be interested
+because they was only a few
+that is this old. So he told me that as
+a matter of fact pretty near everybody
+in the world that can read is
+either 35 or a few mos. one way or the
+other and if I didn’t think that was
+so to go and look it up in a book. So
+I looked up in the encyclopedia and
+they was nothing in there like he said
+but I found out a whole lot of other
+<span class="pagenum" id="Page_21">[Pg 21]</span>things that was news to me and maybe
+the reader don’t know them
+neither so I will write them down.</p>
+
+<p>In the 1st. place it says that most
+people dies when they are 1 yr. old
+and the 1st. 10 yrs. is the most fatalist.
+But if they’s a 100 thousand people
+that can manage to get to be 10
+yrs. old why then 749 of them is
+pretty libel to die the next yr. After
+that the older you get the longer you
+live up to when you are 59 and then
+you can just about count on liveing
+14 and seven-tenths yrs. more. In
+other wds. if you ain’t one of the 749
+that crokes between 10 and 11 why
+you are safe till about June of the yr.
+when you are 73. So a person is a
+sucker to try and take care of themself
+at my age and from now on I
+<span class="pagenum" id="Page_22">[Pg 22]</span>am going to be a loose fish and run
+wild.</p>
+
+<p>Out in Benton Harbor, Mich. however,
+near where I use to live, they
+have got a sex that calls themselfs the
+Holy Terrors or something that
+claims you live as long as you are
+good and as soon as you do wrong you
+die. But I notice that they all wear a
+beard so as the encyclopedia can’t tell
+if they are 73 or 21.</p>
+
+<p>Another thing it says in the book is
+that figures compiled in Norway and
+Sweden shows the death rate amongst
+bachelors is a lot more than amongst
+married men even includeing murder.
+So anybody that is between 11 and 73
+yrs. old and got a wife is practically
+death proof especially if you are a
+Swede.</p>
+<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_23">[Pg 23]</span></p>
+
+<figure class="figcenter illowp100" id="p23" style="max-width: 64em;">
+  <img class="w100" src="images/p23.jpg" alt="">
+  <figcaption class="caption">In the 1st. place most people dies when they
+are 1 yr. old and the 1st. 10 yrs. is the most
+fatalist. But if they’s a 100 thousand people
+that can manage to get to be 10 yrs. old why
+then 749 of them is pretty libel to die the next
+yr.... So a person is a sucker to try and
+take care of themself at my age and from now
+on I am going to be a loose fish and run wild.
+</figcaption>
+</figure>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_25">[Pg 25]</span></p>
+<p>But all that is either here or there.
+The idear is to tell how it feels to be
+my age and I may as well get to it.
+Well in the 1st. place I am speaking
+for myself only. I don’t know how
+the other 35 yr. olders feels about it
+and don’t care. Probably the most
+of them don’t feel near as old as the
+writer. Laughter is supposed to
+keep a man young but if its forced
+laughter it works the opp. When a
+guy is named Ring W. and is expected
+to split their sides when ever
+somebody asks if your middle name is
+Worm which is an average of 365
+times per annum over a period of 35
+annums, why it can’t help from telling
+on you. Or it don’t lighten the
+wgt. of the yrs. none to half to snicker
+every time they say Ring give me a
+<span class="pagenum" id="Page_26">[Pg 26]</span>ring or Ring why ain’t you a ring
+master in Ringling Bros. And yet a
+number of birds has asked me if that
+was my real name or did I assume it.
+They would probably ask the kaiser
+if he moved to Holland to be near the
+tulips.</p>
+
+<p>I suppose that on the morning of
+their 21st. birthday the right kind of a
+American citizen wakes up full of excitement
+and says to themself “Now
+I am of age and can vote and everything.”
+And when they come to what
+I often call the 35th. mile stone they
+are even more smoked up with the
+thought that now they are eligible to
+be President and go around all day
+stoop shouldered with the new responsibility.</p>
+
+<p>Well I don’t recall how I woke up
+<span class="pagenum" id="Page_27">[Pg 27]</span>the day I was 21 if at all but my last
+birthday is still green and sour in my
+memory. I spent the most of it in
+Mineola signing mortgages and if I
+thought of the White House it was
+just to wonder if it would do any good
+to write and tell President Wilson
+about the Long Island R. R.</p>
+
+<p>At the present writeing I have got
+so use to being 35 that I don’t know if
+it feels any different from 34 or 33.
+But I can at lease state that being 35
+don’t feel nothing like being under
+30. For inst. when the telephone
+rings now days I am scared to death
+that its somebody asking us to go
+somewheres for dinner or somewheres.
+Six yrs. ago I was afraid it
+wasn’t. At 29 home was like they say
+on the vaudeville stage, a place to go
+<span class="pagenum" id="Page_28">[Pg 28]</span>when all the other joints was closed
+up. At 35 its a place you never leave
+without a loud squawk.</p>
+
+<p>A man don’t appreciate their home
+till you are up around par for 9 holes.
+Under 30 you think of it as a dump
+where you can’t pick out what you
+want to eat like roast Vt. turkey or a
+filet mignon or some of that prune
+fed muskrat a la Biltmore. If Kathleen
+decides in the <span class="allsmcap">A. M.</span> that you are
+going to crave spare ribs at night why
+you can either crave spare ribs at
+night or put on a hunger strike that
+won’t get you no more sympathy than
+the hiccups.</p>
+
+<p>In them ribald days home is just a
+kind of a pest where you half to choke
+down breakfast or they will think
+something ails you and talk about
+<span class="pagenum" id="Page_31">[Pg 31]</span>sending for a Dr. And 1 or 2 evenings
+per wk. when you can’t think
+of no reason to go out, its where you
+half to set around and wait for 9
+o’clock so as you begin to talk about
+going to bed and sometimes things
+gets so desperate that you half to read
+a book or something.</p>
+
+
+<figure class="figcenter illowp100" id="p29" style="max-width: 64em;">
+  <img class="w100" src="images/p29.jpg" alt="">
+  <figcaption class="caption">When the telephone rings now days I am
+scared to death that its somebody asking
+us to go somewheres for dinner or somewheres.
+Six yrs. ago I was afraid it wasn’t.
+At 29 home was like they say on the vaudeville
+stage, a place to go when all the other joints
+was closed up. At 35 its a place you never
+leave without a loud squawk.
+</figcaption>
+</figure>
+
+
+<p>But at 35 you spell it with a big H.
+Its where you can take off your shoes.
+Its where you can have more soup.
+Its where you don’t half to say nothing
+when they’s nothing to say. Its
+where they don’t wait till the meal is
+all over and then give you a eye dropper
+full of coffee raw. Its where you
+don’t half to listen. Its where they
+don’t smear everything with cheese
+dressing. Its where you can pan
+everybody without it going no further.
+<span class="pagenum" id="Page_32">[Pg 32]</span>Its where they know you like
+doughnuts and what you think about
+a banana.</p>
+
+<p>When you was 29 you didn’t care
+for the band to play Home sweet
+Home. It was old stuff and a rotten
+tune any way. Now you hope they
+won’t play it neither. Its a pretty
+tune but it makes you bust out crying.</p>
+
+<p>Bud Holland that lives over to Port
+Washington wrote a piece for a
+magazine a wile ago where he said in
+it that it kind of shocked him to find
+out that young people didn’t act like
+he was one of them no more. Well he
+ain’t but it took the old gaffer a long
+time to find it out. Here he is pretty
+near 39 and I guess the old Methuselum
+wants folks to hide I Mary Mac
+Lane when he comes in the rm.</p>
+<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_33">[Pg 33]</span></p>
+
+<figure class="figcenter illowp83" id="p33" style="max-width: 64em;">
+  <img class="w100" src="images/p33.jpg" alt="">
+  <figcaption class="caption">But at 35 you spell Home with a big H.
+Its where you can take off your shoes.
+Its where you can have more soup.... Its
+where you don’t half to listen.... Its where
+you can pan everybody without it going no
+further.... Its where they know you like
+doughnuts and what you think about a banana.
+</figcaption>
+</figure>
+
+
+<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_35">[Pg 35]</span></p>
+<p>Well it was 5 or 6 yrs. ago when I
+realized that I was past my nonages
+as they say. It come to me all of a
+sudden that the only compliments I
+had for a long wile was what a pretty
+tie you got or something. Nothing
+about my natural charms no more. It
+was an egg’s age since anybody had
+called me to 1 side and whispered “I
+got a T. L. for you. Gertie thinks
+your ears is immense.”</p>
+
+<p>I seen then that I wasn’t no longer
+a larva and I guess maybe it hurt at
+first. But its like falling hair or the
+telephone service or anything else.
+When you have lived with it a wile
+you don’t mind. Which is just as
+well because they ain’t a wk. passes
+when you wouldn’t get touched on the
+raw if they was any raw left.</p>
+<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_36">[Pg 36]</span></p>
+<p>Like for inst. a few wks. back I was
+up in Boston where I got a young and
+beautiful sister in law. When it come
+time to part from she and her husband
+she kissed me 6 times which was
+suppose to be once for me and once
+apiece for the Mrs. and 4 kiddies.
+Well I thought it was pretty nice and
+got kind of excited about it till I
+looked at her husband to see how he
+took it. He took it without batting an
+eye. To him it was like as if she was
+kissing an old cab horse on a bet for
+the benefit of the Red Cross. And
+when I had left and they was alone
+together, instead of lepping at her
+throat with a terrible curse he probably
+says “Janey, you’re a good game
+gal,” and she give him a kiss that
+meant something.</p>
+<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_37">[Pg 37]</span></p>
+
+<figure class="figcenter illowp98" id="p37" style="max-width: 64em;">
+  <img class="w100" src="images/p37.jpg" alt="">
+  <figcaption class="caption">A few wks. back I was up in Boston where
+I got a young and beautiful sister in law.
+When it come time to part from she and her
+husband she kissed me 6 times which was suppose
+to be once for me and once apiece for the
+Mrs. and 4 kiddies. Well I thought it was
+pretty nice and got kind of excited about it till
+I looked at her husband to see how he took it.
+He took it without batting an eye. To him it
+was like kissing an old cab horse on a bet for
+the benefit of the Red Cross.
+</figcaption>
+</figure>
+
+
+<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_39">[Pg 39]</span></p>
+<p>Now an incidence like this would of
+spoilt my whole trip if I didn’t look
+at it in a sensible way which is to say
+to yourself, “Well if I wasn’t in the
+Sears and yellow I wouldn’t of got
+them 6 kisses. And 6 kisses is <span class="num">1</span>/<span class="den">2</span> a
+dozen kisses in any language.”</p>
+
+<p>Or for inst. out on the golf course.
+Suppose I and Grant Rice is playing
+with some young whipper snapper
+like say Jack Wheeler and they’s
+only 1 caddy for the 3 of us. “Take
+them two” says Jack pointing to my
+and Grant’s bags but the caddy has
+all ready took them any way as soon
+as he found out which ones belonged
+to which. Or when one of my young
+brother in laws is around the house
+and I come in the rm. and they are
+setting in the easy chair, why they
+<span class="pagenum" id="Page_40">[Pg 40]</span>jump up like food shot from guns and
+say “Here take this chair.”</p>
+
+<p>All and all when you get hardened
+to it they’s many advantages in
+reaching your dottage. When they’s
+7 passengers for a 7 passenger car its
+never you that has to take one of them
+little torture seats. When your
+brother in law is here on a visit and
+the Mrs. thinks it would be nice to
+have a fire in the fire place, you ain’t
+the one that has got to ruin his
+clothes. Yes friends the benefits is
+many fold but if them <span class="num">1</span>/<span class="den">2</span> dozen kisses
+and a few stray others pretty near as
+good was all, why you could still
+think to yourself Youth may get good
+service, but 35 ain’t makeing no complaints
+to the management neither.</p>
+
+<p>As for the gen. symptoms of 35 and
+<span class="pagenum" id="Page_41">[Pg 41]</span>vicinity as I have found them and not
+speaking for nobody only myself you
+understand, the following points may
+interest science:</p>
+
+<p>1. The patient sometimes finds
+himself and one lady the only people
+left at the table and all the others is
+danceing. They seems to be nothing
+for it but to get up and dance. You
+start and the music stops and the
+young buddies on the flr. claps their
+hands for a encore. The patient
+claps his hands too but not very loud
+and he hopes to high heaven the
+leader will take it in a jokeing way.</p>
+
+<p>2. For some reason another its
+necessary to find some old papers and
+in going through the trunk the patient
+runs acrost a bunch of souvenirs
+and keep sakes like a note a gal wrote
+<span class="pagenum" id="Page_42">[Pg 42]</span>him in high school, a picture of himself
+in a dirty football suit, a program
+of the 1907 May festival in South
+Bend and etc. “Why keep this
+junk” he says and dumps them all in
+the waste basket.</p>
+
+<p>3. The case develops nausea in the
+presents of all story tellers except
+maybe Irvin Cobb and Riley Wilson
+and Bert Williams. Any others has
+to work pretty fast to get him cornered.
+Violent chills attends the
+sound of those saddest wds. of tongue
+or pen “I don’t know if you heard
+this one or not but it struck me funny.
+It seems they was a woman went in a
+drygoods store in Detroit to buy some
+towels. Stop me if you heard it
+before.” You couldn’t stop them
+with big Bertha. The best funny
+<span class="pagenum" id="Page_45">[Pg 45]</span>storys is Balzac’s because they are
+in a book and you don’t half to buy it.
+But when you get up vs. one of these
+here voluntary stag entertainers you
+either got to listen and laugh or they
+put you down as a dumb bell.</p>
+
+
+<figure class="figcenter illowp97" id="p43" style="max-width: 64em;">
+  <img class="w100" src="images/p43.jpg" alt="">
+  <figcaption class="caption">The case develops nausea in the presents of
+all story tellers except maybe Irvin Cobb
+and Riley Wilson and Bert Williams. Any
+others has to work pretty fast to get him
+cornered.... The best funny storys is Balzac’s
+because they are in a book and you don’t
+half to buy it. But when you get up vs. one
+of these here voluntary stag entertainers you
+either got to listen and laugh or they put you
+down as a dumb bell.
+</figcaption>
+</figure>
+
+
+<p>4. The invalid goes to a ball game
+and along comes the last <span class="num">1</span>/<span class="den">2</span> of the
+14th. innings and the score is 1 and 1
+and the 1st. guy up makes a base hit.
+The patient happens to look at his
+watch and it says 11 minutes to 6 and
+if he leaves the park right away he
+can make the 6:27 home where as if
+he waits a few min. he will half to
+take the 6:54. Without no hesitation
+he leaves the park right away and
+makes the 6:27.</p>
+
+<p>5. The subject is woke up at 3
+<span class="allsmcap">A. M.</span> by the fire whistle. He sniffles
+<span class="pagenum" id="Page_46">[Pg 46]</span>but can’t smell no smoke. He thinks
+well it ain’t our house and goes back
+to sleep.</p>
+
+<p>6. He sets down after breakfast to
+read the paper. The mail man comes
+and brings him 3 letters. One of
+them looks like it was a gal’s writeing.
+He reads the paper.</p>
+
+<p>7. He buys a magazine in April
+and reads the first instalment of a
+misery serial. The instalment winds
+up with the servants finding their
+master’s body in bed and his head in
+the ash tray. Everything pts. to the
+young wife. Our patient forgets to
+buy the May number.</p>
+
+<p>8. Somebody calls up and says
+they are giveing a party Thursday
+night for Mabel Normand and can
+you come. Our hero says he is sorry
+<span class="pagenum" id="Page_47">[Pg 47]</span>but he will be in Washington on business.
+He hasn’t no more business in
+Washington than Gov. Cox.</p>
+
+<p>9. They’s a show in town that you
+got to see like Frank Craven or
+“Mecca.” “It’s a dandy night”
+says the Mrs. “Shall we drive in or
+take the train?” “We will take the
+train” says our hero.</p>
+
+<p>These is a few of the symptoms as I
+have observed them and as I say I am
+speaking for just myself and maybe
+I am a peculiar case. They may not
+be another 35 yr. older in the world
+that is affected the same way and in
+fact I know several suffers about that
+age which I am as different than as
+day and night. Take Jess Willard
+for inst. He was somewheres around
+35 in July 1919 and Dempsey
+<span class="pagenum" id="Page_48">[Pg 48]</span>knocked him down 7 times in one rd.
+He wouldn’t do that to me, not 7
+times he wouldn’t. Or look at Ty
+Cobb. Do you think they would get
+me to play center field and manage a
+ball club for $30,000? Or would Jim
+Thorpe’s brother in law look on him
+as too frail to hobble down in the
+basement and get a few sticks of
+wood?</p>
+
+<p>On the other hand they might be 2
+or 3 brother eagles in the mediocer
+30s that is even more mildewed than
+me, but I am afraid they’s a whole lot
+more of them feels like a colt. They
+take care of themselfs. When they
+get up in the <span class="allsmcap">A. M.</span> they take a cold
+plunge and then hang by their eye
+teeth on a hook in the closet while
+they count 50 in Squinch. And noons
+<span class="pagenum" id="Page_51">[Pg 51]</span>when they come back from their
+lunch of hot milk and ferns, they roll
+over on the office rug 10 times without
+bending their shin.</p>
+
+
+<figure class="figcenter illowp100" id="p49" style="max-width: 64em;">
+  <img class="w100" src="images/p49.jpg" alt="">
+  <figcaption class="caption">When they get up in the A. M. they take
+a cold plunge and then hang by their eye
+teeth on a hook in the closet while they count
+50 in Squinch.... I can’t compete with these
+babies. I slice a few golf balls in season but
+bet. Nov. and May the only exercise I get or
+want to get is twice a wk. when I take the buttons
+out of shirt A and stick them in shirt B.
+</figcaption>
+</figure>
+
+
+<p>I can’t compete with these babies.
+I slice a few golf balls in season but
+bet. Nov. and May the only exercise I
+get or want to get is twice a wk. when
+I take the buttons out of shirt A and
+stick them in shirt B.</p>
+
+<p>They’s still another crowd yet that
+renews their youth by going back
+every yr. to commencement or a class
+reunion or something. Well I don’t
+know if I want to renew my youth or
+not. Leave bad enough alone is my
+slogum. And in the 2d. place I don’t
+half to go nowheres to a class reunion.
+I could hold it in the bath tub. I was
+the only one that graduated when I
+did as it was in March of my freshman
+<span class="pagenum" id="Page_52">[Pg 52]</span>yr. and they didn’t seem to be
+haveing no commencement exercises
+for nobody else. I guess I must have
+been one of these here infantile proteges
+like that 11 mos. old junior they
+got up to Columbia.</p>
+
+<p>No book of this kind would be
+complete without shooting a few wds.
+of unwanted advice at my youngers
+and betters. For inst. John D. tells
+the boys how to build up a fortune
+and John Jones tells them how to rise
+from a white wings to a steeple jack.
+So it looks like it was up to me to tell
+them how to get to be what I am, 35
+yrs. old.</p>
+
+<p>Well my lads they’s 4 rules that I
+made and have stuck to them and I
+think you will find they’ll bring you
+the same results. The 1st. rule is
+don’t die the 1st. yr. The 2d. rule is
+<span class="pagenum" id="Page_53">[Pg 53]</span>don’t be one of the 749 that dies when
+they are 11. The 3d rule is don’t pick
+a quarrel with a man like Dempsey.
+And the 4th. and last rule is marry a
+girl like Sue.</p>
+
+<p>In explanations of that last rule I
+will say that the one I married ain’t
+Sue but the name don’t make no differents
+if she is the right kind of a
+gal. And the reason I say that is
+because its customary in these intimate
+capital I talks to throw in a
+paragraph of blurb about the little
+woman. What ever success a man
+has had he has got to pretend he
+owes it to Her. So if they’s any glory
+to be gleaned out of my success in
+reaching 35 and looking even older
+why she can have it.</p>
+
+
+<p class="ph4"><span class="smcap">The End</span></p>
+
+
+<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop">
+
+<div class="chapter">
+<div class="tnote">
+<h2 class="nobreak" id="Transcribers_note">Transcriber’s note</h2>
+
+<p>Spelling has been retained as originally published.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+
+
+<div style='text-align:center'>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 75571 ***</div>
+</body>
+</html>
+
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+Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for
+eBook #75571 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/75571)