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+    <meta charset="UTF-8">
+    <title>
+      Symptoms of Being 35 | Project Gutenberg
+    </title>
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+<body>
+<div style='text-align:center'>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 75571 ***</div>
+
+
+
+<h1>SYMPTOMS OF BEING 35</h1>
+
+
+<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop">
+
+<div class="chapter">
+<p class="ph3">OTHER BOOKS<br>
+BY MR. LARDNER</p>
+</div>
+
+
+<p class="center">
+<span class="smcap">Gullible’s Travels</span><br>
+<span class="smcap">My Four Weeks in France</span><br>
+<span class="smcap">Treat ’Em Rough</span><br>
+<span class="smcap">The Real Dope</span><br>
+<span class="smcap">Own Your Own Home</span><br>
+<span class="smcap">The Young Immugrunts</span><br>
+</p>
+
+
+<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop">
+
+<div class="chapter">
+<figure class="figcenter illowp100" id="pageb4title_2" style="max-width: 64em;">
+  <img class="w100" src="images/pageb4title.jpg" alt="">
+  <figcaption class="caption">When a man has got a legal wife and 4
+and <span class="num">no</span>/<span class="den">100</span> children what does he care
+if he is 35 or double that amt. Besides which
+they claim that 35 is about the average of all
+grown ups in the world. If I was born above
+the average would I keep it a secret? Don’t
+be silly.
+
+</figcaption>
+</figure>
+
+</div>
+<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop">
+
+
+<div class="chapter">
+<p class="ph2">
+Symptoms of Being 35</p>
+<br>
+<p class="ph4"><i>By</i></p>
+<p class="ph3">RING W. LARDNER
+</p>
+<p class="ph4">SILHOUETTES BY</p>
+<p class="ph3">HELEN E. JACOBY</p>
+
+<figure class="figcenter illowp96" id="titledetail" style="width: 6.25em;">
+  <img class="w100" src="images/titledetail.jpg" alt="" data-role="presentation">
+</figure>
+
+<p class="ph3">INDIANAPOLIS<br>
+THE BOBBS-MERRILL COMPANY<br>
+PUBLISHERS<br>
+</p>
+</div>
+<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop">
+
+
+<div class="chapter">
+<p class="ph4">
+<span class="smcap">Copyright 1921<br>
+The Crowell Publishing Company</span><br>
+<br>
+<span class="smcap">Copyright 1921<br>
+The Bobbs-Merrill Company</span><br>
+<br>
+<br>
+<i>Printed in the United States of America</i><br>
+<br>
+PRESS OF<br>
+BRAUNWORTH &amp; CO.<br>
+BOOK MANUFACTURERS<br>
+BROOKLYN, N. Y.<br>
+</p>
+</div>
+
+
+<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop">
+
+<div class="chapter">
+<p>On reaching my dottage I ain’t
+makeing no complaints to the
+management and I’m willing to
+accomodate with a few rules which
+has enabled me to reach the age of 35
+annums and which if stuck to faithful
+will bring you the same results.</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop">
+
+<div class="chapter">
+<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_13">[Pg 13]</span></p>
+<h2 class="nobreak" id="Symptoms_of_Being_35">Symptoms of Being 35</h2>
+</div>
+
+
+<p>The other night one of my friends
+whose name is Legion got me on the
+telephone some way another and
+wanted I should come over and call,
+but that is all I done the last 3 or 4
+times I had went over there and it
+costs a lot of money even in a 4 bit
+limit. So I said no that I was busy on
+a book which I had promised my publisher
+I would write it.</p>
+
+<p>“What is it about” says Legion.</p>
+
+<p>So I told him “How it feels to be
+35.”</p>
+
+<p>“That guy must think you got a
+good memory” says Legion and hung
+up on me.</p>
+<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_14">[Pg 14]</span></p>
+<p>Well friends 35 is how young I am
+no matter how old I look, but I am so
+use to haveing smart Alex make wise
+cracks when I tell them my age that
+it don’t have no more effect on me
+now than the 6 day bicycle race.
+Only I can’t figure why they think I
+would lie about it like I was trying to
+pose as a boy chess marvel or something.
+When a man has got a legal
+wife and 4 and no one hundredths
+children what does he care if he is 35
+or double that amt. Besides which
+they claim that 35 is about the average
+of all the grown ups in the world.
+If I was above the average would I
+keep it a secret? Don’t be silly.</p>
+
+<p>And don’t judge a person by their
+hair gents. Many a man that can remember
+the first Ford has got more
+<span class="pagenum" id="Page_15">[Pg 15]</span>foliage on their egg than myself and
+also I know several ball players in the
+big league to-day that is anywheres
+from 5 to 30 yrs. younger than the
+present writer that when the fish applauds
+them for makeing a 2 handed
+catch with 1 hand, you wonder why
+they don’t take off their cap. Personly
+I am not sensitive about my
+plummage. When my features got to
+the decision that one of them would
+half to retract all I done was thank
+God they picked the forehead and not
+the chin. The only hardship connected
+with pyorrhea of the scalp is
+trying to act supprised when the barber
+says you are looseing your hair.</p>
+
+<p>But I guess it ain’t only the loss of
+a few ebony ringlets that makes me
+look senile. It seems like I was over
+<span class="pagenum" id="Page_16">[Pg 16]</span>estimated long before I begin to molt.
+For inst. I can recall when I was 16
+and had a thatch on my dome like a
+virtuoso and I used to pal around
+with a boy who we will call Geo.
+Dougan because that was his name
+and Geo. was going on 21. Well this
+was in Niles, Mich., in the days when
+they sold 6 <span class="num">7</span>/<span class="den">8</span> beer in vases and for
+$.20 you could get enough to patrol
+4th St. serenading true music lovers
+of the opposing sex. In them hellcyon
+days 1 of the few things that was vs.
+the law was selling it to minors and
+2 or 3 of the retail mchts. around
+town was pretty strick and time and
+again I and Geo. would be out shopping
+and go in a store and order 2
+vats and Dave or Punk or who ever it
+happened to be would set one up for
+<span class="pagenum" id="Page_19">[Pg 19]</span>me to knock over and then give Geo.
+a wise cracking smile and ask him
+would he like a bottle of white pop.
+Incidentally I had a taste of that
+lucius ambrosia at a ball game once
+and if the penalty for selling honest
+old beer to minors was a $100 fine
+why 2 to 14 yrs. in a meat grinder
+would be mild for a guy that sells
+white pop on the theory that its a
+drink.</p>
+
+<figure class="figcenter illowp82" id="p17" style="max-width: 64em;">
+  <img class="w100" src="images/p17.jpg" alt="">
+  <figcaption class="caption">When my features got to the decision
+that one of them would half to retract
+all I done was to thank God they picked the
+forehead and not the chin. The only hardship
+connected with pyorrhea of the scalp is trying
+to act supprised when the barber says you are
+looseing your hair.
+</figcaption>
+</figure>
+
+
+<p>Well Geo. would say “Aw come on
+Dave I am older than him.” But you
+couldn’t fool Dave and the result was
+that we would half to take our custom
+down to Pigeon’s where everybody
+that had a dime was the same age and
+the only minors was the boys that
+tried to start a charge acct.</p>
+
+<p>I must hand it to Geo. for one
+<span class="pagenum" id="Page_20">[Pg 20]</span>thing. No matter how sore it made
+him to get turned down he never told
+them the truth about me. And they
+wouldn’t of believed him if he had of.
+No more than you birds believe me
+now.</p>
+
+<p>But now in regards to this book:
+When the publisher asked me to write
+it up I said I didn’t see how more
+than only a few people would be interested
+because they was only a few
+that is this old. So he told me that as
+a matter of fact pretty near everybody
+in the world that can read is
+either 35 or a few mos. one way or the
+other and if I didn’t think that was
+so to go and look it up in a book. So
+I looked up in the encyclopedia and
+they was nothing in there like he said
+but I found out a whole lot of other
+<span class="pagenum" id="Page_21">[Pg 21]</span>things that was news to me and maybe
+the reader don’t know them
+neither so I will write them down.</p>
+
+<p>In the 1st. place it says that most
+people dies when they are 1 yr. old
+and the 1st. 10 yrs. is the most fatalist.
+But if they’s a 100 thousand people
+that can manage to get to be 10
+yrs. old why then 749 of them is
+pretty libel to die the next yr. After
+that the older you get the longer you
+live up to when you are 59 and then
+you can just about count on liveing
+14 and seven-tenths yrs. more. In
+other wds. if you ain’t one of the 749
+that crokes between 10 and 11 why
+you are safe till about June of the yr.
+when you are 73. So a person is a
+sucker to try and take care of themself
+at my age and from now on I
+<span class="pagenum" id="Page_22">[Pg 22]</span>am going to be a loose fish and run
+wild.</p>
+
+<p>Out in Benton Harbor, Mich. however,
+near where I use to live, they
+have got a sex that calls themselfs the
+Holy Terrors or something that
+claims you live as long as you are
+good and as soon as you do wrong you
+die. But I notice that they all wear a
+beard so as the encyclopedia can’t tell
+if they are 73 or 21.</p>
+
+<p>Another thing it says in the book is
+that figures compiled in Norway and
+Sweden shows the death rate amongst
+bachelors is a lot more than amongst
+married men even includeing murder.
+So anybody that is between 11 and 73
+yrs. old and got a wife is practically
+death proof especially if you are a
+Swede.</p>
+<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_23">[Pg 23]</span></p>
+
+<figure class="figcenter illowp100" id="p23" style="max-width: 64em;">
+  <img class="w100" src="images/p23.jpg" alt="">
+  <figcaption class="caption">In the 1st. place most people dies when they
+are 1 yr. old and the 1st. 10 yrs. is the most
+fatalist. But if they’s a 100 thousand people
+that can manage to get to be 10 yrs. old why
+then 749 of them is pretty libel to die the next
+yr.... So a person is a sucker to try and
+take care of themself at my age and from now
+on I am going to be a loose fish and run wild.
+</figcaption>
+</figure>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_25">[Pg 25]</span></p>
+<p>But all that is either here or there.
+The idear is to tell how it feels to be
+my age and I may as well get to it.
+Well in the 1st. place I am speaking
+for myself only. I don’t know how
+the other 35 yr. olders feels about it
+and don’t care. Probably the most
+of them don’t feel near as old as the
+writer. Laughter is supposed to
+keep a man young but if its forced
+laughter it works the opp. When a
+guy is named Ring W. and is expected
+to split their sides when ever
+somebody asks if your middle name is
+Worm which is an average of 365
+times per annum over a period of 35
+annums, why it can’t help from telling
+on you. Or it don’t lighten the
+wgt. of the yrs. none to half to snicker
+every time they say Ring give me a
+<span class="pagenum" id="Page_26">[Pg 26]</span>ring or Ring why ain’t you a ring
+master in Ringling Bros. And yet a
+number of birds has asked me if that
+was my real name or did I assume it.
+They would probably ask the kaiser
+if he moved to Holland to be near the
+tulips.</p>
+
+<p>I suppose that on the morning of
+their 21st. birthday the right kind of a
+American citizen wakes up full of excitement
+and says to themself “Now
+I am of age and can vote and everything.”
+And when they come to what
+I often call the 35th. mile stone they
+are even more smoked up with the
+thought that now they are eligible to
+be President and go around all day
+stoop shouldered with the new responsibility.</p>
+
+<p>Well I don’t recall how I woke up
+<span class="pagenum" id="Page_27">[Pg 27]</span>the day I was 21 if at all but my last
+birthday is still green and sour in my
+memory. I spent the most of it in
+Mineola signing mortgages and if I
+thought of the White House it was
+just to wonder if it would do any good
+to write and tell President Wilson
+about the Long Island R. R.</p>
+
+<p>At the present writeing I have got
+so use to being 35 that I don’t know if
+it feels any different from 34 or 33.
+But I can at lease state that being 35
+don’t feel nothing like being under
+30. For inst. when the telephone
+rings now days I am scared to death
+that its somebody asking us to go
+somewheres for dinner or somewheres.
+Six yrs. ago I was afraid it
+wasn’t. At 29 home was like they say
+on the vaudeville stage, a place to go
+<span class="pagenum" id="Page_28">[Pg 28]</span>when all the other joints was closed
+up. At 35 its a place you never leave
+without a loud squawk.</p>
+
+<p>A man don’t appreciate their home
+till you are up around par for 9 holes.
+Under 30 you think of it as a dump
+where you can’t pick out what you
+want to eat like roast Vt. turkey or a
+filet mignon or some of that prune
+fed muskrat a la Biltmore. If Kathleen
+decides in the <span class="allsmcap">A. M.</span> that you are
+going to crave spare ribs at night why
+you can either crave spare ribs at
+night or put on a hunger strike that
+won’t get you no more sympathy than
+the hiccups.</p>
+
+<p>In them ribald days home is just a
+kind of a pest where you half to choke
+down breakfast or they will think
+something ails you and talk about
+<span class="pagenum" id="Page_31">[Pg 31]</span>sending for a Dr. And 1 or 2 evenings
+per wk. when you can’t think
+of no reason to go out, its where you
+half to set around and wait for 9
+o’clock so as you begin to talk about
+going to bed and sometimes things
+gets so desperate that you half to read
+a book or something.</p>
+
+
+<figure class="figcenter illowp100" id="p29" style="max-width: 64em;">
+  <img class="w100" src="images/p29.jpg" alt="">
+  <figcaption class="caption">When the telephone rings now days I am
+scared to death that its somebody asking
+us to go somewheres for dinner or somewheres.
+Six yrs. ago I was afraid it wasn’t.
+At 29 home was like they say on the vaudeville
+stage, a place to go when all the other joints
+was closed up. At 35 its a place you never
+leave without a loud squawk.
+</figcaption>
+</figure>
+
+
+<p>But at 35 you spell it with a big H.
+Its where you can take off your shoes.
+Its where you can have more soup.
+Its where you don’t half to say nothing
+when they’s nothing to say. Its
+where they don’t wait till the meal is
+all over and then give you a eye dropper
+full of coffee raw. Its where you
+don’t half to listen. Its where they
+don’t smear everything with cheese
+dressing. Its where you can pan
+everybody without it going no further.
+<span class="pagenum" id="Page_32">[Pg 32]</span>Its where they know you like
+doughnuts and what you think about
+a banana.</p>
+
+<p>When you was 29 you didn’t care
+for the band to play Home sweet
+Home. It was old stuff and a rotten
+tune any way. Now you hope they
+won’t play it neither. Its a pretty
+tune but it makes you bust out crying.</p>
+
+<p>Bud Holland that lives over to Port
+Washington wrote a piece for a
+magazine a wile ago where he said in
+it that it kind of shocked him to find
+out that young people didn’t act like
+he was one of them no more. Well he
+ain’t but it took the old gaffer a long
+time to find it out. Here he is pretty
+near 39 and I guess the old Methuselum
+wants folks to hide I Mary Mac
+Lane when he comes in the rm.</p>
+<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_33">[Pg 33]</span></p>
+
+<figure class="figcenter illowp83" id="p33" style="max-width: 64em;">
+  <img class="w100" src="images/p33.jpg" alt="">
+  <figcaption class="caption">But at 35 you spell Home with a big H.
+Its where you can take off your shoes.
+Its where you can have more soup.... Its
+where you don’t half to listen.... Its where
+you can pan everybody without it going no
+further.... Its where they know you like
+doughnuts and what you think about a banana.
+</figcaption>
+</figure>
+
+
+<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_35">[Pg 35]</span></p>
+<p>Well it was 5 or 6 yrs. ago when I
+realized that I was past my nonages
+as they say. It come to me all of a
+sudden that the only compliments I
+had for a long wile was what a pretty
+tie you got or something. Nothing
+about my natural charms no more. It
+was an egg’s age since anybody had
+called me to 1 side and whispered “I
+got a T. L. for you. Gertie thinks
+your ears is immense.”</p>
+
+<p>I seen then that I wasn’t no longer
+a larva and I guess maybe it hurt at
+first. But its like falling hair or the
+telephone service or anything else.
+When you have lived with it a wile
+you don’t mind. Which is just as
+well because they ain’t a wk. passes
+when you wouldn’t get touched on the
+raw if they was any raw left.</p>
+<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_36">[Pg 36]</span></p>
+<p>Like for inst. a few wks. back I was
+up in Boston where I got a young and
+beautiful sister in law. When it come
+time to part from she and her husband
+she kissed me 6 times which was
+suppose to be once for me and once
+apiece for the Mrs. and 4 kiddies.
+Well I thought it was pretty nice and
+got kind of excited about it till I
+looked at her husband to see how he
+took it. He took it without batting an
+eye. To him it was like as if she was
+kissing an old cab horse on a bet for
+the benefit of the Red Cross. And
+when I had left and they was alone
+together, instead of lepping at her
+throat with a terrible curse he probably
+says “Janey, you’re a good game
+gal,” and she give him a kiss that
+meant something.</p>
+<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_37">[Pg 37]</span></p>
+
+<figure class="figcenter illowp98" id="p37" style="max-width: 64em;">
+  <img class="w100" src="images/p37.jpg" alt="">
+  <figcaption class="caption">A few wks. back I was up in Boston where
+I got a young and beautiful sister in law.
+When it come time to part from she and her
+husband she kissed me 6 times which was suppose
+to be once for me and once apiece for the
+Mrs. and 4 kiddies. Well I thought it was
+pretty nice and got kind of excited about it till
+I looked at her husband to see how he took it.
+He took it without batting an eye. To him it
+was like kissing an old cab horse on a bet for
+the benefit of the Red Cross.
+</figcaption>
+</figure>
+
+
+<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_39">[Pg 39]</span></p>
+<p>Now an incidence like this would of
+spoilt my whole trip if I didn’t look
+at it in a sensible way which is to say
+to yourself, “Well if I wasn’t in the
+Sears and yellow I wouldn’t of got
+them 6 kisses. And 6 kisses is <span class="num">1</span>/<span class="den">2</span> a
+dozen kisses in any language.”</p>
+
+<p>Or for inst. out on the golf course.
+Suppose I and Grant Rice is playing
+with some young whipper snapper
+like say Jack Wheeler and they’s
+only 1 caddy for the 3 of us. “Take
+them two” says Jack pointing to my
+and Grant’s bags but the caddy has
+all ready took them any way as soon
+as he found out which ones belonged
+to which. Or when one of my young
+brother in laws is around the house
+and I come in the rm. and they are
+setting in the easy chair, why they
+<span class="pagenum" id="Page_40">[Pg 40]</span>jump up like food shot from guns and
+say “Here take this chair.”</p>
+
+<p>All and all when you get hardened
+to it they’s many advantages in
+reaching your dottage. When they’s
+7 passengers for a 7 passenger car its
+never you that has to take one of them
+little torture seats. When your
+brother in law is here on a visit and
+the Mrs. thinks it would be nice to
+have a fire in the fire place, you ain’t
+the one that has got to ruin his
+clothes. Yes friends the benefits is
+many fold but if them <span class="num">1</span>/<span class="den">2</span> dozen kisses
+and a few stray others pretty near as
+good was all, why you could still
+think to yourself Youth may get good
+service, but 35 ain’t makeing no complaints
+to the management neither.</p>
+
+<p>As for the gen. symptoms of 35 and
+<span class="pagenum" id="Page_41">[Pg 41]</span>vicinity as I have found them and not
+speaking for nobody only myself you
+understand, the following points may
+interest science:</p>
+
+<p>1. The patient sometimes finds
+himself and one lady the only people
+left at the table and all the others is
+danceing. They seems to be nothing
+for it but to get up and dance. You
+start and the music stops and the
+young buddies on the flr. claps their
+hands for a encore. The patient
+claps his hands too but not very loud
+and he hopes to high heaven the
+leader will take it in a jokeing way.</p>
+
+<p>2. For some reason another its
+necessary to find some old papers and
+in going through the trunk the patient
+runs acrost a bunch of souvenirs
+and keep sakes like a note a gal wrote
+<span class="pagenum" id="Page_42">[Pg 42]</span>him in high school, a picture of himself
+in a dirty football suit, a program
+of the 1907 May festival in South
+Bend and etc. “Why keep this
+junk” he says and dumps them all in
+the waste basket.</p>
+
+<p>3. The case develops nausea in the
+presents of all story tellers except
+maybe Irvin Cobb and Riley Wilson
+and Bert Williams. Any others has
+to work pretty fast to get him cornered.
+Violent chills attends the
+sound of those saddest wds. of tongue
+or pen “I don’t know if you heard
+this one or not but it struck me funny.
+It seems they was a woman went in a
+drygoods store in Detroit to buy some
+towels. Stop me if you heard it
+before.” You couldn’t stop them
+with big Bertha. The best funny
+<span class="pagenum" id="Page_45">[Pg 45]</span>storys is Balzac’s because they are
+in a book and you don’t half to buy it.
+But when you get up vs. one of these
+here voluntary stag entertainers you
+either got to listen and laugh or they
+put you down as a dumb bell.</p>
+
+
+<figure class="figcenter illowp97" id="p43" style="max-width: 64em;">
+  <img class="w100" src="images/p43.jpg" alt="">
+  <figcaption class="caption">The case develops nausea in the presents of
+all story tellers except maybe Irvin Cobb
+and Riley Wilson and Bert Williams. Any
+others has to work pretty fast to get him
+cornered.... The best funny storys is Balzac’s
+because they are in a book and you don’t
+half to buy it. But when you get up vs. one
+of these here voluntary stag entertainers you
+either got to listen and laugh or they put you
+down as a dumb bell.
+</figcaption>
+</figure>
+
+
+<p>4. The invalid goes to a ball game
+and along comes the last <span class="num">1</span>/<span class="den">2</span> of the
+14th. innings and the score is 1 and 1
+and the 1st. guy up makes a base hit.
+The patient happens to look at his
+watch and it says 11 minutes to 6 and
+if he leaves the park right away he
+can make the 6:27 home where as if
+he waits a few min. he will half to
+take the 6:54. Without no hesitation
+he leaves the park right away and
+makes the 6:27.</p>
+
+<p>5. The subject is woke up at 3
+<span class="allsmcap">A. M.</span> by the fire whistle. He sniffles
+<span class="pagenum" id="Page_46">[Pg 46]</span>but can’t smell no smoke. He thinks
+well it ain’t our house and goes back
+to sleep.</p>
+
+<p>6. He sets down after breakfast to
+read the paper. The mail man comes
+and brings him 3 letters. One of
+them looks like it was a gal’s writeing.
+He reads the paper.</p>
+
+<p>7. He buys a magazine in April
+and reads the first instalment of a
+misery serial. The instalment winds
+up with the servants finding their
+master’s body in bed and his head in
+the ash tray. Everything pts. to the
+young wife. Our patient forgets to
+buy the May number.</p>
+
+<p>8. Somebody calls up and says
+they are giveing a party Thursday
+night for Mabel Normand and can
+you come. Our hero says he is sorry
+<span class="pagenum" id="Page_47">[Pg 47]</span>but he will be in Washington on business.
+He hasn’t no more business in
+Washington than Gov. Cox.</p>
+
+<p>9. They’s a show in town that you
+got to see like Frank Craven or
+“Mecca.” “It’s a dandy night”
+says the Mrs. “Shall we drive in or
+take the train?” “We will take the
+train” says our hero.</p>
+
+<p>These is a few of the symptoms as I
+have observed them and as I say I am
+speaking for just myself and maybe
+I am a peculiar case. They may not
+be another 35 yr. older in the world
+that is affected the same way and in
+fact I know several suffers about that
+age which I am as different than as
+day and night. Take Jess Willard
+for inst. He was somewheres around
+35 in July 1919 and Dempsey
+<span class="pagenum" id="Page_48">[Pg 48]</span>knocked him down 7 times in one rd.
+He wouldn’t do that to me, not 7
+times he wouldn’t. Or look at Ty
+Cobb. Do you think they would get
+me to play center field and manage a
+ball club for $30,000? Or would Jim
+Thorpe’s brother in law look on him
+as too frail to hobble down in the
+basement and get a few sticks of
+wood?</p>
+
+<p>On the other hand they might be 2
+or 3 brother eagles in the mediocer
+30s that is even more mildewed than
+me, but I am afraid they’s a whole lot
+more of them feels like a colt. They
+take care of themselfs. When they
+get up in the <span class="allsmcap">A. M.</span> they take a cold
+plunge and then hang by their eye
+teeth on a hook in the closet while
+they count 50 in Squinch. And noons
+<span class="pagenum" id="Page_51">[Pg 51]</span>when they come back from their
+lunch of hot milk and ferns, they roll
+over on the office rug 10 times without
+bending their shin.</p>
+
+
+<figure class="figcenter illowp100" id="p49" style="max-width: 64em;">
+  <img class="w100" src="images/p49.jpg" alt="">
+  <figcaption class="caption">When they get up in the A. M. they take
+a cold plunge and then hang by their eye
+teeth on a hook in the closet while they count
+50 in Squinch.... I can’t compete with these
+babies. I slice a few golf balls in season but
+bet. Nov. and May the only exercise I get or
+want to get is twice a wk. when I take the buttons
+out of shirt A and stick them in shirt B.
+</figcaption>
+</figure>
+
+
+<p>I can’t compete with these babies.
+I slice a few golf balls in season but
+bet. Nov. and May the only exercise I
+get or want to get is twice a wk. when
+I take the buttons out of shirt A and
+stick them in shirt B.</p>
+
+<p>They’s still another crowd yet that
+renews their youth by going back
+every yr. to commencement or a class
+reunion or something. Well I don’t
+know if I want to renew my youth or
+not. Leave bad enough alone is my
+slogum. And in the 2d. place I don’t
+half to go nowheres to a class reunion.
+I could hold it in the bath tub. I was
+the only one that graduated when I
+did as it was in March of my freshman
+<span class="pagenum" id="Page_52">[Pg 52]</span>yr. and they didn’t seem to be
+haveing no commencement exercises
+for nobody else. I guess I must have
+been one of these here infantile proteges
+like that 11 mos. old junior they
+got up to Columbia.</p>
+
+<p>No book of this kind would be
+complete without shooting a few wds.
+of unwanted advice at my youngers
+and betters. For inst. John D. tells
+the boys how to build up a fortune
+and John Jones tells them how to rise
+from a white wings to a steeple jack.
+So it looks like it was up to me to tell
+them how to get to be what I am, 35
+yrs. old.</p>
+
+<p>Well my lads they’s 4 rules that I
+made and have stuck to them and I
+think you will find they’ll bring you
+the same results. The 1st. rule is
+don’t die the 1st. yr. The 2d. rule is
+<span class="pagenum" id="Page_53">[Pg 53]</span>don’t be one of the 749 that dies when
+they are 11. The 3d rule is don’t pick
+a quarrel with a man like Dempsey.
+And the 4th. and last rule is marry a
+girl like Sue.</p>
+
+<p>In explanations of that last rule I
+will say that the one I married ain’t
+Sue but the name don’t make no differents
+if she is the right kind of a
+gal. And the reason I say that is
+because its customary in these intimate
+capital I talks to throw in a
+paragraph of blurb about the little
+woman. What ever success a man
+has had he has got to pretend he
+owes it to Her. So if they’s any glory
+to be gleaned out of my success in
+reaching 35 and looking even older
+why she can have it.</p>
+
+
+<p class="ph4"><span class="smcap">The End</span></p>
+
+
+<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop">
+
+<div class="chapter">
+<div class="tnote">
+<h2 class="nobreak" id="Transcribers_note">Transcriber’s note</h2>
+
+<p>Spelling has been retained as originally published.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+
+
+<div style='text-align:center'>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 75571 ***</div>
+</body>
+</html>
+
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author	nfenwick <nfenwick@pglaf.org>	2025-03-09 15:21:04 -0700
committer	nfenwick <nfenwick@pglaf.org>	2025-03-09 15:21:04 -0700
commit	f2b26441ba9d05386509041a2db1a28ccfa632c9 (patch)
tree	ab9eb37c422fcf1ee8a1ccf717410905b339a282 /75571-h