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+*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 75295 ***
+
+
+
+
+
+Transcriber’s Note: This is a picture book. Most of the captions use
+slang and dialect.
+
+Italics are enclosed in _underscores_.
+
+
+
+
+[Illustration:
+
+  _Yours faithfully,
+      M. Angelo Woolf_
+]
+
+
+
+
+                         SKETCHES OF LOWLY LIFE
+                            IN A GREAT CITY
+
+
+                                   BY
+                              M. A. WOOLF
+
+
+                               EDITED BY
+                             JOSEPH HENIUS
+
+                             [Illustration]
+
+
+                          G. P. PUTNAM’S SONS
+
+                 NEW YORK                        LONDON
+        27 AND 29 WEST 23D STREET      24 BEDFORD STREET, STRAND
+
+
+
+
+                            COPYRIGHT, 1899
+                                   BY
+                             JOSEPH HENIUS
+
+
+                   The Knickerbocker Press, New York
+
+
+
+
+                                   To
+                           ELIZA WOOLF HENIUS
+
+
+
+
+INTRODUCTION
+
+
+In presenting this volume, I have endeavored to honor the memory
+of a good man and a dear friend. In the tenderness, sincerity, and
+simplicity of his work are to be found the elements which were most
+conspicuous in the personality of the late M. A. Woolf, together with
+unostentatious charity and a humor, unique in contemporary art, which,
+while always manly and honest, possessed the power to move as well to
+tears as to laughter.
+
+The following selections were made from among the most characteristic
+of Mr. Woolf’s contributions to _Life_ and _Judge_, and a number of
+hitherto unpublished drawings.
+
+To all who by kindly suggestion and personal effort have assisted me
+in this compilation, I extend the assurance of my deep thanks and
+appreciation.
+
+                                                          JOSEPH HENIUS.
+
+  BROOKLYN, October, 1899.
+
+
+
+
+BIOGRAPHICAL NOTE
+
+
+Michael Angelo Woolf was born in London, England, August 27, 1837. His
+father was Edward Woolf, a musician of eminence, and a man of versatile
+talent in both art and literature. Michael Woolf was brought to America
+in his infancy; his talent manifested itself early, and he contributed
+as a young man to many prominent periodicals. For a number of years
+he turned aside from draughtsmanship to pursue an actor’s career, and
+two charming autobiographical reminiscences of this period of his life
+appeared in the _Saturday Evening Post_, of Philadelphia, shortly
+after his death. At the close of the Civil War, Mr. Woolf resumed his
+original profession, but turning his attention more to painting, was
+hampered by the remissness of his early training, and sought regular
+art instruction, for the first time in his life, at the hands of
+Edouard Frère in France. Upon his return to America he exhibited a much
+admired painting, “How It Happened,” at the National Academy of Design.
+In his later years he turned his endeavors almost entirely to the
+delineation of child life among the poorer classes; and his drawings,
+with their peculiar combination of humor and pathos, have become widely
+known here and abroad.
+
+Mr. Woolf died suddenly of heart disease at the home of his sister in
+Brooklyn, N. Y., March 4, 1899.
+
+
+
+
+[Illustration: HARD HIT.
+
+Miranda (oh, so deeply in love): “I can’t stand this suspense no
+longer! Ask her if all marriages is failures.”]
+
+
+[Illustration: HARD HIT.
+
+“I say, mister, have yer got a penny walentine what rhymes ter
+Maggie?”]
+
+
+[Illustration: LOVE IS A FEARFUL THING.
+
+“If you please, sir: none uv us ain’t able ter sleep uv a night, an’
+we want ter know if yer ain’t got suthin what’ll cure us, an’ we can’t
+tell what’s de matter wid us.”]
+
+
+[Illustration:
+
+The innocent cause, who is paying a visit to friends in the village.]
+
+
+[Illustration: A POINT IN ETIQUETTE.
+
+“Kin I give him flowers if I’ve not been interdooced ter him?”
+
+“No, it ain’t good form even ter reckernize a man wot yer don’t even
+know. The best way is ter get ackwainted with the Dutch grocer where he
+buys his ’taters an’ herrinks, an’ let the interduction come through
+him.”]
+
+
+[Illustration: A TERROR.
+
+“Jim, giv’ us a interduction.”
+
+“No, Tom, no. Yer don’t know her, an’ yer don’ want ter. She’s de
+ice-cream fiend of de ward; she’s beggared two newsboys an’ a Italian
+bootblack, an’ she’s a looking roun’ for another wictim.”]
+
+
+[Illustration: GALLANT.
+
+Girl.--“Don’t be frightened. He won’t bite you.”
+
+Boy.--“I ain’t askeered o’ the dog. I’m a envyin’ him, that’s all.”]
+
+
+[Illustration: EXCEPTIONAL VALUE.
+
+Nurse (in continuation, speaking of her brother in the wagon).--“Yes,
+an’ he ain’t got no wices at all; he don’t smoke, drink, or chew
+terbacker, an’ he don’t want no latch-key.”
+
+Friend (on right).--“Lor’, what a husbant he’d make.”]
+
+
+[Illustration:
+
+“What is it, Lizzie, a boy or a gal?”
+
+“A gal.”
+
+“Dear, dear me! There’s some one else who’s got to worry about gettin’
+a husband.”]
+
+
+[Illustration: A MYSTERY SOLVED.
+
+“Clara, it’s the likes o’ them w’ot makes so many of us young bodies
+ole maids. The fellers gets askeered o’ the milliners’ an’ the
+dressmakers’ bills.”]
+
+
+[Illustration: THE ONE THING LACKING.
+
+Patsy: “W’ot do de gals admire uv dose milingtary chaps, I wonder?”
+
+Jimmy: “It’s deir mustarchers, Patsy, deir mustarchers. If I had one
+dat bloke wouldn’t be in it wid me.”]
+
+
+[Illustration: HARD HIT.
+
+Marriageable Young Man (on left): “What a wife such a woman would
+make.”]
+
+
+[Illustration:
+
+Lillian: “’Ain’t that your brother?”
+
+Maud: “Yes!”
+
+Lillian: “Why don’t yer interdooce me?”
+
+Maud: “He’s a misant’rope; he’s been crost in love, and he’s giv’ our
+sex the cold shake!”]
+
+
+[Illustration:
+
+“Good morning, Adolph de Belfort. How comes it you are not at church
+this fine Thanksgiving morn. Have you nothing to be thankful for?”
+
+“For nothing as much as being able to count myself one of your most
+ardent admirers, believe me!”]
+
+
+[Illustration: A SURE WINNER.
+
+Mentor (behind rock): “Hand her de bokay, Jimmy, an’ den t’row yerself
+at her feet an’ tell her yer life is mizzerable, an’ dat yer’ll chuck
+yerself in de ocean if she don’t have yer; an’ don’t forgit de sooicide
+rackit. Dat fetches de wimmin every time.”]
+
+
+[Illustration: C’EST L’AMOUR.
+
+“Mary, there is warious kinds o’ love. There is that love wot never
+wants nothin’ but love; then there’s a love wot’s simply lovely, it’s
+so pure an’ good. Such a love is like the stars wot shines in the
+infirmary in circumambulance space, an’ this is the hour for love, the
+sunset hour. Do you remember Gray’s ‘Elegy’ begins with the line ‘Wot
+Curtius told to Nell at parting day’?”]
+
+
+[Illustration:
+
+“Look at me, Lizzie; the gal wot gets me’ll have a snap, for I don’t
+chew, smoke, or git drunk!”]
+
+
+[Illustration: IN A TERRIBLE FIX.
+
+Young and Bashful Admirer: “If she should turn ’round and say to me
+that she loves me as she does that doll, what would I say?”]
+
+
+[Illustration: A TRYING MOMENT.
+
+Maggie: “Lizzie, wuz you ever kissed?”
+
+Lizzie: “Only wunst in my life, an’ that wuz when I wuz in the
+horspital wid a broken arm; an old lady kissed me an’ I blushed like a
+child!”]
+
+
+[Illustration: IN SUSPENSE.
+
+Genevieve (at upper window): “Them’s Teddy’s legs if ever Teddy lived;
+what could ha happened; I wonder could he have committed soo-incide
+’cause I rejected him this mornin’?”
+
+(No! The afternoon was warm, and Teddy was taking a siesta.)]
+
+
+[Illustration: TO STOP GOSSIPS’ TONGUES.
+
+Horatio (to Lucretia): “As our engagement is not made public yet,
+you had better let go o’ my arm when we get a little nearer to the
+village!”]
+
+
+[Illustration:
+
+“Tommy, the doctors is sayin’ that kissin’ is apt to breed sickness!”
+
+“I know. But we men have to take risks in everythink!”]
+
+
+[Illustration: NOT DEAD SURE OF HER.
+
+“I wonder if she’d sic de dorg on me if I wuz ter fall on me knees an’
+tell her I love her?”]
+
+
+[Illustration:
+
+“In this stocking, Letitia, you will find the hard savings of my
+lifetime,--two half-dollars, a silver spoon, a briarwood pipe, and
+a bottle of red ink; not much, I will admit, but enough to start
+house-keeping with if you will only say the word!”
+
+“Reginald Overbeck, you embarrass me! Think of the difference in our
+ages,--what will the world say?--take me, I am your’n!”]
+
+
+[Illustration: NO TRIFLERS WANTED.
+
+She: “I don’t mind walking with you, but for goodness’ sake don’t say
+you love me and ask me to wait for you--they all do that. If there’s
+any waiting to be done, wait yourself until you’re a man, and then come
+right down to business.”]
+
+
+[Illustration: HOME, SWEET HOME.
+
+“Look, Adelaide, look! The boat is ready! Let us fly to yon foreign
+shore!”
+
+“Marmion Bludwurst, your appeal is in vain; I kinnot leave my home. It
+is unpossible!”]
+
+
+[Illustration: CHANGED HER OPINION.
+
+Ethelwynde: “They say she married a common mechanic.”
+
+Heliotroype: “Common, Ethelwynde? Why, he had spent all his life in a
+bicycle manufactory!”
+
+Ethelwynde: “Oh, heavens! Although a man-hater for years, I feel that I
+could love such a man as that with my innermost soul!”]
+
+
+[Illustration: PATRIOTIC.
+
+Boy (reading “Personals”): “A young man of means wishes to meet a young
+and attractive lady who would be willing to marry and spend part of the
+year abroad.”
+
+Young Lady (matrimonially inclined): “That’d suit me izzackly,
+exceptin’ the livin’ abroad. I’d rather go roun’ wid me basket in
+America, dan be presented to de nobility in London.”]
+
+
+[Illustration: T’ROWN DOWN.]
+
+
+[Illustration:
+
+“Genevieve Cassidy, you ask me why I have brought you to this spot.
+Look! That ball of snow contains the body of my rival, Homer Gallagher.
+The vengeance I have wroke on him fills my heart with joy, for I feel I
+am a step nearer my one great ambition.”]
+
+
+[Illustration:
+
+He: “Hortense Vaseline Debris, from this hour henceforwardforth we
+ain’t to each other what we wuz a week ago. I brand yer as a flirt an’
+a croquet!”
+
+She (haughtily): “As you please, Reginald Overton. There are others!”]
+
+
+[Illustration: PROOF CONCLUSIVE.
+
+Mediator: “He’s bin goin’ on like dat fer a week. He don’t get no
+sleep, but keeps moanin’ an’ mentionin’ yer name.”
+
+Lizzie: “Does he refuse his wittles?”
+
+Mediator: “Oh, no!”
+
+Lizzie: “Den it isn’t love w’ot’s a-worryin’ him. W’ot he wants is
+exercise.”]
+
+
+[Illustration: WHY IT WAS OFF.
+
+“W’ot’s de matter, Billy--is de engagement broke off?”
+
+“Yes; it’s no use payin’ intentions to a gal w’ot kin knock de head off
+yer with a simple lick, an’ dat’s w’ot she come near doin’ de last time
+I called on her. If I marries a gal I wants ter be boss, an’ if dere’s
+any fightin’ to be did I wants ter be champion.”]
+
+
+[Illustration: A GUILTY PALM.
+
+“Feodora, yer have been a deceivin’ of me. Yer hand tells me yer have
+been married twicet!”]
+
+
+[Illustration: A BIT OF ROMANCE.
+
+“What’s the matter, Tom--is yer engagement off?”
+
+“Aye, Simeon, it’s the old, old story. Famerly interference,
+mother-in-law, an’ all that sort o’ thing. It druv me ter drink, an’ I
+become a wreck, an’ she--she took to the Salwation Army!”]
+
+
+[Illustration: THAT’S WHY.
+
+Boy (in background, to chum): “Why don’t yer go an’ knock de stuffin’
+out un yer rival?”
+
+Chum: “I’ll tell yer why. Did yer ever see him fight? I have.”]
+
+
+[Illustration: MEN WERE DECEIVERS EVER.
+
+Lopez Donovan (putting his face under cover): “By de holy smoke! if it
+ain’t my fiancee, Loriena Brady. W’ot will she do w’en she finds out
+dat my heart is marble an’ I’se t’rown her down for de little angel
+w’ot I’se a-pullin’?”]
+
+
+[Illustration:
+
+“Tom, she giv’ me the marble heart, the cold shake; them baloom sleeves
+is too much for her. (In a whisper): I want you to let me pull your
+sister ’round on that sled for a little while. I want ter make that gal
+jealous--it’ll break her heart!”]
+
+
+[Illustration: TERRIBLE.
+
+Pamela O’Duffy (in wagon): “A clandesting meetin’! Oh, Algernon! Oh,
+the perfigiousness of man! And with a or’nary butcher’s daughter, too!
+Oh, this is much more than too much! (With theatric action and force):
+By yon flossy cloudlets w’ot wanders over yon Asia sky, I register an
+oath to jolt his jaglets’ footsteps night an’ day, to taunt him with my
+frenzied thumb until his life becomes a bird’n, an’ he seeks death in
+hor-r-r-rer, ’r-retchedness, an’ r-r-r-remorse!” (Faints.)]
+
+
+[Illustration: “THE COURSE OF TRUE LOVE,” etc.
+
+He: “There’s the only girl I ever loved, an’ I dassent go near her
+’cause she’s gittin’ the measles.”]
+
+
+[Illustration: AFTER THE QUARREL.
+
+Niobe MacGonigal (on extreme left): “If he on’y knowed w’ot a wretched
+night I passed I wonder if he’d let me took back dem words I spoke?”]
+
+
+[Illustration: INGRATITUDE.
+
+Pythias: “Come along, Damon. She ain’t worth a second thought!”
+
+Damon: “To think she should treat me like this! Why, I started her in
+business; I stole that basket for her w’ot she goes a-beggin’ with.”
+
+Pythias (with disgust): “Bah! Wimmin is ingrates; they make me tired!”]
+
+
+[Illustration: AN APPEAL.
+
+“Maud Percy Sidney, listen to me. Me an’ my child is desolate since you
+have took from us our purtector an’ surport. If my words cannot move
+you, let the wasted form of this poor child melt your heart, if it be
+not made of adamank or cast iron.”]
+
+
+[Illustration: IN DOUBT.
+
+“Lizzie, you’re a woman o’ the world and what I’m a’ askin’ you is in
+strick conferdence, o’ course. Jim, there, has offert me his hand. (In
+a hoarse whisper): Do you think a woman would be happy with a man with
+legs like his’n?”]
+
+
+[Illustration: AT THE END OF THE SEASON.
+
+“Billy, now that she’s agoin’ away, I want ter tell yer that I wuz all
+broke up on that gal, an’ I would have married her if she had only
+given me some encouragement.”]
+
+
+[Illustration: BY THE SAD SEA SHORE.
+
+Argument: The last boat of the season is leaving, carrying away a host
+of summer boarders.
+
+Party on Rock (in tones of deepest anguish): “Farewell, Mercedes,
+farewell! In six short months you will have forgotten Vacopo the
+fisherman’s son, and my old age will be made a wreck!”]
+
+
+[Illustration: ’TWAS EVER THUS.
+
+Smitten Youth (who has been very attentive with flowers and
+huckleberries for a month past): “Hevings, Horatio, she must be agoin’
+to leave the place!” (Swoons.)]
+
+
+[Illustration: THE LOVERS.
+
+She (on right of picture, timidly): “Will Sidney forgive his birdie if
+she asks a favor of him?”
+
+He (warmly): “Sidney kin refuse his Hortense nothink.”
+
+She (with a choking emotion): “Then ask him to play a weddin’ march.”]
+
+
+[Illustration:
+
+“Say, Dago, could yer get a weddin’ breakfust ready at a hour’s
+notice?”]
+
+
+[Illustration:
+
+  THE FATHER’S DAY OFF           THE CHILD’S DAY OFF
+    A FRESH BOTTLE.                   FRESH AIR.
+]
+
+
+[Illustration: APROPOS OF THAT $50,000 TO CLOTHE THE ARMENIANS.
+
+Father Knickerbocker: “When you send to Armenia, let it be by way of
+Mulberry Bend!”]
+
+
+[Illustration:
+
+“I wonder if I wuz all dressed up an’ put in a winder, if anybody would
+long to have me?”]
+
+
+[Illustration:
+
+“Has father got here yet?”]
+
+
+[Illustration:
+
+“Them’s for a funeral, I guess!”
+
+“Sure!”
+
+(With a sigh): “Ah, there’s some pleasure in bein’ a Fi’th Avenyer
+corpse!”]
+
+
+[Illustration:
+
+(At the ash-can): “De story-book says dat de prince married Cindyrella,
+but I don’t believe it; I don’t think he took no notice of her!”]
+
+
+[Illustration: THE DIFFERENCE.
+
+James: “Wot’s de matter; has he bin a-workin’ de growler agin?”
+
+Larry: “No; dis time de growler has bin a-workin’ him.”]
+
+
+[Illustration: RARE INNOCENCE.
+
+She: “Jimmy, is dere enny rinks open now?”
+
+He: “Naw, dey all closed more ’n a mont’ ago.”
+
+She: “So I t’ought. I wondered wo’t mother meant by sayin’ father came
+home last night wid a skate on.”]
+
+
+[Illustration: THE DAY WE CELEBRATE.
+
+First Boy: “Too much Santa Claus, eh?”
+
+Second Boy: “No, too much Santa Cruz.”]
+
+
+[Illustration: HIS NATURAL BENT.
+
+Father (in high glee): “Vell, Repecka, unt vat do you t’ink ohf our
+Ikey now? Look ad him. He’s put on mine coat unt vest to make him look
+like a man, unt den got dree lemons for a sign, unt he’s shtarted a
+pawnbroker’s shtore on der sidewalk. Mark mein vords, he’ll haf der
+clothes off dem Cristian poys’ packs before dey goes away.”]
+
+
+[Illustration: PATERNAL PRIDE.
+
+“If there’s a child in the sixt’ ward kin bate that wan o’ moine at
+dhrinkin’, fetch him along, and I’ll set up the licker for the house.
+Ah! but it’s a proud woman his mother’d be this day if she wuz on’y
+aloive to see him!”]
+
+
+[Illustration:
+
+“Agnes, does your father drink, too?”]
+
+
+[Illustration:
+
+“She must be getting better. It is the first time she has smiled.”]
+
+
+[Illustration: TOO MUCH FOR HIM.
+
+“Come away, Nellie, come away! I can’t stand it no longer. The sight
+an’ smell o’ them cakes make me desperit.”]
+
+
+[Illustration: TO BE ENVIED.
+
+“Hey, Jimmy, dat shop’s mighty lucky dese hard times.”]
+
+
+[Illustration: THAT’S WHERE THE IRON ENTERED.
+
+“Jimmy, it ain’t the walue o’ the dorg w’ot I’m a-thinkin’ of, although
+that’s enough to break one’s heart, but it’s the chicking an’ the party
+o’ four grasses w’ot he’s got on his insides!”]
+
+
+[Illustration: LOST HER PASS.
+
+Boy (on extreme right of picture, to sister): “Wot have yer did wid de
+pennies w’ot I giv yer ter save fer de ice cream?”
+
+Sister: “Ow--boo-hoo-hoo! I put ’em in me mout fer safety, and I’ve
+swallered em. Boo-hoo-hoo!”]
+
+
+[Illustration: TOO BAD.
+
+“Talk about cruelty ter young folks! I want ter know if dere’s anyting
+worse dan ter come acrost one er dem posters when yer dat hungry you
+could almost eat yer shoes.”]
+
+
+[Illustration: HER SMALL WISH.
+
+“See w’ot I found in the ash-barril. What a pity it ain’t got no
+stummick!”
+
+“I envies it. If I didn’t have no stummick I wouldn’t want
+no grub!”]
+
+
+[Illustration: TERRIBLE.
+
+“Yes, it’s just too awful to think I’ve got to grow so old that gents
+won’t make room for me in the cars!”]
+
+
+[Illustration: ON THE FRESH-AIR EXCURSION.
+
+Tillie (overcome of her free lunch): “Say, Maggie, run a pin in me. I
+must be a-dreamin’. This is too good to be true!”]
+
+
+[Illustration: AN ANXIOUS MOMENT. (_AT THE FRESH-AIR EXCURSION._)
+
+“Please, sir, I’s lost me ticket.”]
+
+
+[Illustration: SIMPLE STRATEGY.
+
+Emily: “Wot’s the use of yer standin’ an’ lookin’ in the winder when
+yer ain’t got no money?”
+
+Sophy: “Well, I’ll tell yer. I stand an’ aggrawate myself to that
+extent that the excitement of it gets me hungry, an’ I rushes home an’
+eats me dry crust o’ bread wid an appetite.”]
+
+
+[Illustration: THE TEMPTATION TOO GREAT.
+
+Ellen: “Why don’t you put a couple of oysters on those black eyes o’
+yourn?”
+
+Tom: “I did. I tried it twiced, but somehow I can’t never get them no
+furder up than my mout.”]
+
+
+[Illustration:
+
+Boy: “He kin scare us with his racket, now, Em’ly, but in a couple o’
+days our stummicks will be his cemetary!”]
+
+
+[Illustration: BAD LOOKOUT FOR JOHNNY.
+
+“Come, Mariar--come quick! Johnny Atkins is a-buyin’ a apple!”]
+
+
+[Illustration:
+
+“I seen yer buy de apple, Susy Roach, an’ if yer don’t gimme half I’ll
+rub aginst yer, an’ yer’ll catch der measles.”]
+
+
+[Illustration: A BONANZA.
+
+“Mattie, come quick, an’ bring everythink yer can with yer! There’s bin
+a New Year’s party, an’ they’re a-givin’ away all the pidgins, toast,
+an’ wegetables what’s bin left over!”]
+
+
+[Illustration: A GOOD TIME.
+
+“Bill, you wuzzent in it when you didn’t go to de picnic; dat’s right!
+Dere wuz pie--an’ cake--an’ limonade--an’ red an’ yaller ice-cream, an’
+I eat so much dat when I got t’rough I felt as dough dere wuz a duzzent
+angels a-sittin’ on me ribs a-fannin’ me stummick to sleep.”]
+
+
+[Illustration: A MOMENT OF ANXIETY.
+
+“Will he dewour us, Jimmy?”
+
+“I dunno. He takes the Christmas turkey I got inside o’ me for quail,
+an’ you never can tell wot a game dog will do.”]
+
+
+[Illustration: AN EYE TO BUSINESS.
+
+“Hey, Chimmy, how’s dat for a t’roat ter holler extrys wid?”]
+
+
+[Illustration: QUITE HUMAN.
+
+“What makes a rooster crow, Billy?”
+
+“He’s got ter giv’ way ter his feelin’s. He can’t help hisself.”
+
+“But when the hen lays a egg he makes the most noise.”
+
+“Ah! That’s pride.”]
+
+
+[Illustration:
+
+Nanny: “Drop that, Billy; drop it, I tell you! I don’t want you to get
+a taste for that sort o’ thing!”]
+
+
+[Illustration: PRIDE OF ANCESTRY.
+
+Rover: “My father took the first prize at the exhibition!”
+
+Towzer: “That’s nothing; my mother’s remains took a gold medal at the
+health-food fair!”]
+
+
+[Illustration: ALONE.
+
+Susy: “What’s he cryin’ for?”
+
+Nelly (in a whisper): “That dead dog wuz his chum.”]
+
+
+[Illustration: TOO MUCH.
+
+Sue: “Maggie, would you rather die an’ be a angel with a harp, or have
+that weddin’ dress?”
+
+Mag: “Oh, don’t ask me! The temptation is too terrible!”]
+
+
+[Illustration: IN DOUBT.
+
+“What’s the matter, Tom?”
+
+“I’m in trouble. I don’t know whether I ought to die while I’m young,
+and become a angel, or wait an’ grow up to be a man an’ have a
+mustarche an’ side-wiskers.”]
+
+
+[Illustration: NAUGHTYCAL.
+
+“Tom, wot’s a spanker boom?”
+
+“Is yer mother a-livin’?”
+
+“Yes!”
+
+“Does she wear slippers?”
+
+“Yes!”
+
+“Well, then, you must be an awfully good feller if you don’t know what
+a spanker boom is!”]
+
+
+[Illustration:
+
+“Mother, I’ve a favor to ask of you. If you are a-goin’ to lick me,
+don’t do it with a slipper; it always unmans me.”]
+
+
+[Illustration:
+
+“My! But your boy do be growin’, Mrs. Cafferty!”
+
+“Faith, an’ that’s thrue for yez, Mrs. Owens! He’s outgrown all his
+owld clothes, an’ it’s a pair of his father’s pants he do be wearin’,
+an’ by that same token I do hate to cut thim, for I don’t think it will
+be long afore the boy fills thim intirely!”]
+
+
+[Illustration: A PLEASANT PROSPECT.
+
+“Say, pop, come out an’ down him. Jimmy Ryan said his pa could lick
+mine, and I said he couldn’t, and they’re waitin’ for you outside.”]
+
+
+[Illustration: LOOKING FORWARD.
+
+Aunt: “Well, Tom, how do you like your new little sister?”
+
+Tom: “Oh, she’s good enough as a kid, but just think what a trouble
+she’ll be when she gets a little older, and I’ve got to chase whistlers
+away from the front stoop!”]
+
+
+[Illustration:
+
+Little Jimmy Carrol (to infant brother): “Oh, just wait till you git
+old enough to lick! Won’t you catch it? Mother ain’t give me a cent
+since you arrived.”]
+
+
+[Illustration: A WORD OF ADVICE.
+
+“Knock him out wid an uppercut, Jimmy; an’ if in de excitement of de
+moment yez finds yez has got ter strike below de belt, hit so hard
+he’ll have spazzums an’ won’t know de differ’nce.”]
+
+
+[Illustration: A DIVISION OF LABOR A CAPITAL IDEA.
+
+“I tell yer wot, Jimmy: tackle de dorg first, an’ when you’ve laid him
+out go fer de feller, an’ after you’ve got him on de groun’ wid yer
+foot over his mout’ ter keep him from a-hollerin’, I’ll sneak up an’
+grab de flowers wot he’s got an’ run home wid ’em.”]
+
+
+[Illustration:
+
+Peacemaker: “Just read that motter, an’ then go an’ make up fren’s
+agin!”
+
+Hopeless: “Oh, that sayin’s good enuff to read, but yer can’t make me
+berlieve that a small piece of chewin’ gum is plenty for two, nohow!”]
+
+
+[Illustration:
+
+“You dassent come over on this side of the street, so you dassent!”
+
+Voice from over the way: “Why dassent I?”
+
+Voice from barrel (in whisper): “Make it a objict for him to come
+acrost: tell him you kin lick him wid yer little finger!”]
+
+
+[Illustration: JUST THE THING.
+
+Boy (calmly): “Say, Tilly, I want ter tell yer somethink: you’re so
+full o’ fight you ought ter go ter some recruitin’ office an’ offer yer
+services ter the government. Uncle Sam is just a-dyin’ ter git hold o’
+such folks as you.”]
+
+
+[Illustration: PRECAUTIONARY.
+
+“Who’s he, Bill?”
+
+“I dunno. I never see him afore.”
+
+“Well, let’s slug him, anyhow, or else he’ll be puttin’ on airs.”]
+
+
+[Illustration:
+
+Vendor: “You leetel girla musta move away!”
+
+Miss Casey (from de Fourt’): “Move away? You Dagos is a puttin’
+on airs, ain’t you? I may not be a millyunyair, an’ I may not eat
+charlotty roosters or drink lemon phosphiks, but I ain’t a-goin’ to
+let no Dago give me points wot to do, an’ doan’t yer forgit it!”
+(Exits, muttering something about “bringin’ de gang aroun’ an’ cleanin’
+somebody out.”)]
+
+
+[Illustration: STARS AND STRIPES.
+
+First Little Girl: “My father was fighting for three years. He carried
+the stars and stripes, and he’s got the flag yet.”
+
+Second Little Girl: “My father was in for fighting for six years, and
+he carries stripes yet. He’s got a striped suit now.”]
+
+
+[Illustration: A CLIPPING FROM DOOGAN’S “MIRROR OF FASHION.”
+
+“Madame Duffi, Corque, has opened a millinery establishment in Doogan
+Alley, and her door is besieged the entire day by the bon-ton of that
+swell neighborhood.”]
+
+
+[Illustration: THE ENVY OF THE ALLEY.
+
+An Easter hat and a bunch of violets.]
+
+
+[Illustration: OH! THE SHAME OF IT.
+
+Polly: “See here, Feodora, it’s a no use o’ your standin’ there wid
+your arms crosst like a Wenus der Milo a-puttin’ on airs. I’ll give
+you a pointer: nusses has feelinks just the same as other folks, an’ I
+won’t take none o’ your sass, an’ don’t yer forgit it!”
+
+Feodora (with intense bitterness): “Nothink can’t be expected better of
+no one who so far forgits herself as to take care of Chinee h’infants.”]
+
+
+[Illustration: VERY APPARENT.
+
+“It’s easy to see, Hattie, that she hasn’t moved in the best
+society!”]
+
+
+[Illustration:
+
+“My own cousin, an’ she didn’t reckernize me!”
+
+“Don’t mind it, Sally; wimmin isn’t accountable for what they does when
+they gets a Mary de Medicine collar on for the first time!”]
+
+
+[Illustration:
+
+“Hey, Jimmy, ain’t yer a-rushin’ the season?”
+
+“Rushin’ the season? Naw! When I picked out a suit at the clothin’
+fund, it was a warm day, an’ I wanted to look swell!”]
+
+
+[Illustration: THE DIGNITY OF POWER.
+
+Chorus: “Who is she, anyhow?”
+
+Tilly MacAllister: “She comes from Philadelphia, an’ her father’s a
+butcher. She wants to get into our set, but we ain’t got no use for
+butchers’ daughters nor Quakers.”]
+
+
+[Illustration: A GENEROUS OFFER.
+
+“I say, mister, how’s that fer a dog-cart, eh? Jump right in an’ I’ll
+take yer where yer a-goin’, an’ I won’t charge yer a cent. An’ yer’ll
+have the company of the lady the whole way.”]
+
+
+[Illustration:
+
+“It’s a wonderful sight, eh, Susanne?”
+
+“Won-der-ful!”
+
+“I dunno how it is with you wimmin folks, but it makes us men feel
+awful insiggernifikint!”]
+
+
+[Illustration: “EVEN SUPPOSING.”
+
+Bleak House Boy (to Digby, who set out to enjoy in quietness a sand
+and sun bath): “Supposin’ I wuz to tell you the entire willage is gone
+on a pic-nic, an’ supposin’ I wuz to brace you for fifty cents, an’
+then supposin’ you cussed a bit an’ refused to giv’ it, wot’d you do
+supposin’ I set my dog on you?”]
+
+
+[Illustration: A HOLIDAY DREAM.
+
+Em’ly: “Yer see I wuz carried away on a yaller cloud into a big open
+blue place where there wuz nothin’ but dolls--blondes, bluenettes,
+niggers, an’ Chinese; and Santa Claus took me by the hand an’ led me up
+to one o’ the most beautifullest dolls I ever seen, all gold lace an’
+spangles, an’ it could talk an’ sing, too. (In rapture): Oh, it wuz too
+loverly for anythink! An’ Santa Claus wuz just puttin’ it into my hands
+when I woked up!”
+
+Chorus: “Oh, what a shame! Didn’t yer want ter die?”]
+
+
+[Illustration: A MOMENT OF ENVY.
+
+Boy (from Country Circus tent): “Hey fellers, run home an’ get de money
+to come in even if yer have ter steal it! It’s immense! De clown’s
+a-standin’ on his head an’ de baby elephant’s a-chuckin’ a pint o’ pop
+corn into his ears! Don’t yer wish’ t yer wuz me?”]
+
+
+[Illustration: HER FIRST RIDE.
+
+“Oh, this is heavinkly, perfectly heavinkly!”]
+
+
+[Illustration: A REGRET.
+
+“Oh, Milly, what a pity it is that our folks is so healthy, an’ sich
+long livers!”]
+
+
+[Illustration: HER CONSERVATORY.]
+
+
+[Illustration:
+
+“Say, miss, don’t yer want ter fight dogs?”]
+
+
+[Illustration:
+
+“Say, boss, I’s got ter raise five cents for chewin’ gum, even if I has
+to put me child in hock.”]
+
+
+[Illustration: TEN CENTS’ WORTH.
+
+Consuelo (reading): “The viz-count entered the apartment with a languid
+h’air, and puffed his cigaroot with wiolence. ‘Air you alone?’ he
+inkwired in a nongshallnot manner of the countiss. She rose from the
+turkeys otterman with a diluted nostril, her eyes flashed with a fire
+which almost consoomed their lids, and shakin’ her jewilled left hand
+in the viz-count’s face, she gave a majestic sweep with her right foot
+an’ lef’ the room.”
+
+Omnes: “My!”]
+
+
+[Illustration: WHEN THE THERMOMETER IS MELTING IN THE SHADE.
+
+“Oh! But this is bully; it’s more coolin’ than ice-cream, an’ makes me
+feel better ’n pink leminade does!”]
+
+
+[Illustration: A LIFE SAVER.
+
+“Sam, will yer go out inter deep water an’ make believe yer drowdin’? I
+want ter try my dog.”]
+
+
+[Illustration:
+
+Boy: “Hey, Juliet, is you a-postin’ dat to yer Romeo?”]
+
+
+[Illustration: A BAD PART.
+
+“Say, Tom, pretend yer a Spaniard, an’ let de gang play wid yer fer
+five minits.”]
+
+
+[Illustration: HIS SIMPLE WISH.
+
+Jacky: “Hey, Jimmy! Wot’d yer do if yer wuz as strong as dat?”
+
+Jimmy: “Why, I’d go down ter de school an’ take de teacher atween me
+teet’ an’ knock de stuffin’ out him.”]
+
+
+[Illustration: TONY DUFFY’S ORATION.
+
+“Fellers! De gang has lost its pup! He scrapped wid a bull tarrier, an’
+got it in de neck. He wuz a torrowbred, a chim dandy; a t’ree-times
+winner way up to de limit. He had a head on to him wot wuz almost
+hooman. I ain’t a-talkin’ troo me hat; I ain’t a-givin’ guff; I’m
+a-givin’ it to yer straight--he wuz a corker. Der Wanderbilts or Asters
+didn’t have de plunks ter buy dat pup--dat’s straight. He wuz way up in
+G--are yous wid me? His deat’ has broke me up; don’t jolly me--not on
+yer life. Yous wot has lungs chip in wid a song, sunthin’ sollum,--‘Ole
+Dog Tray,’ or ‘Sweet Maree,’--an’ den we’ll plant him. Fellers, I’se
+lost me grip; me name is Dennis--I’m all broke up. I’ll go chase myself
+an’ have a game o’ craps. S’ long!”]
+
+
+[Illustration:
+
+“I tell yer Sandow isn’t in it wid him. He takes de kid an’ chucks him
+in de air, den he turns a han’spring an’ drinks a can o’ cold tomatter
+soup afore de kid reaches de groun’.”]
+
+
+[Illustration: A PRIVATE EXHIBITION.
+
+Master of Ceremonies: “De nex’ shot which me brudder de infant
+phenomenal will preform is to carrum wid de ball on de bottle an’ de
+lamp, an’ take de chimney off de lamp widout breakin’ of it, or puttin’
+de light out. De shot is not on’y differcult, but marvelyous!”]
+
+
+[Illustration: A SAD STATE OF AFFAIRS.
+
+“It’s no use talking, Ellen Jane, the young men are not as sociable as
+they were when we were girls. I haven’t had a solitary visitor this
+week. How to account for it I don’t know; such a thing hasn’t happened
+for years!”]
+
+
+[Illustration: A WARNING.
+
+Boy (reading paper): “The war cloud between the States and Italy has
+not dispersed as yet--”
+
+Patriot Youth (falling on knees): “Let forrin despots tremble, for in
+case of war I solemmy promise to raise a rigimint an’ lead it merself;
+let mer oath be registered!”]
+
+
+[Illustration: SIC EUNT FATA HOMINUM.
+
+Judge (on box): “Read the charges against Vladimir Casey!”
+
+Clerk (reading): “Firstly: He is charged wid losin’ interest in de
+gang, an’ has been stealin’ from de corner groceries for strange
+parties; An’ whereover: It has bin discover’t dat he kin be bribed wid
+a lemon; An’ whereas: He has given Mag Skelly de marble heart an’ has
+nearly kilt her; An’ fourthly: When de gang had a pedlar down on de
+sidewalk an’ was goin’ t’rough him, he refoosed to take a han’; An’ ter
+conclood: He ain’t fit ter be our capt’in no longer, an’ it is moved by
+de gang dat he gits it in de neck, an’ is furdermore removed from his
+official office!”]
+
+
+[Illustration:
+
+Girl: “Please, ’m, give me an’ me brudders an’ sisters suthin’?”
+
+Lady: “Why, you’re not all one family, surely?”
+
+Girl (unblushingly): “Yes, ’m, we’s all twins!”]
+
+
+[Illustration:
+
+“Is your father goin’ to take in boarders this summer?”
+
+“I guess so”; (with a wink) “he took in a lot last year, you know.”]
+
+
+[Illustration:
+
+Dennis (a green hand, to whom the speaking-pipe is an unexplored
+mystery): “I’d give me month’s wages to foind out how the divil the
+boss iver managed to shqueeze himself into that bit iv a poipe!”]
+
+
+[Illustration:
+
+“Well, Tom, what sort o’ Fourth did you have?”
+
+Tom: “Are yer blind?”]
+
+
+[Illustration: ALONE AT THE RAILROAD STATION.--THANKSGIVING DAY.]
+
+
+[Illustration: CHRISTMAS FESTIVITIES: LIVING PICTURES AT DOOHIGAN’S
+HALL.
+
+_Adam and Eve in the Garden of Paradise._
+
+Adam: Master Phelim Grogan.
+
+Eve: Miss Daisy Shaughnessy.]
+
+
+[Illustration: THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS.
+
+“Oh, if he would only look this way!”]
+
+
+[Illustration: THE EMPTY STOCKING.]
+
+
+[Illustration: HOPE.]
+
+
+[Illustration:
+
+“If yer please, mum, Santa Claus can’t get into our room ’cause they
+ain’t no chimley, an’ I want ter know if yer won’t hang up this
+stockin’ when yer a-hangin’ up the children’s, an’ I’ll call in the
+mornin’ fer it.”]
+
+
+[Illustration: ST. VALENTINE’S DAY AT THE “BEND.”
+
+Tom (to Alice): “If he knew he had that pinned to him he’d be wild.”]
+
+
+[Illustration: THE FINAL REHEARSAL.--THE SUPREME MOMENT.
+
+Author and Stage Manager (to Orchestra): “When de lady says, ‘Lord
+Ashleigh Baxter, I am a orfun, but I never kin be yourn,’ an’ he says,
+‘Ha, ha, ha, you are alone beneat’ my roof an’ unpurtected,’--I want
+you to rattle off some music wot’ll giv’ Biddy, de fait’ful servant,
+lots o’ time to rush in an’ t’row Baxter to de groun’.”]
+
+
+[Illustration: THE WORLD BEFORE HER.]
+
+
+
+*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 75295 ***