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diff --git a/7523.txt b/7523.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..35ffa33 --- /dev/null +++ b/7523.txt @@ -0,0 +1,3988 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Lady of the Decoration, by Frances Little + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Lady of the Decoration + +Author: Frances Little + + +Release Date: February, 2005 [EBook #7523] +This file was first posted on May 13, 2003 +Last Updated: May 9, 2013 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK LADY OF THE DECORATION *** + + + + +Produced by An Anonymous Project Gutenberg Volunteer + + + + + + + +THE LADY OF THE DECORATION + +By Frances Little + + +To All Good Sisters, And To Mine In Particular + + + + +THE LADY OF THE DECORATION + + + + +SAN FRANCISCO, July 30, 1901. + + +My dearest Mate: + +Behold a soldier on the eve of battle! I am writing this in a stuffy +little hotel room and I don't dare stop whistling for a minute. You +could cover my courage with a postage stamp. In the morning I sail for +the Flowery Kingdom, and if the roses are waiting to strew my path it +is more than they have done here for the past few years. When the +train pulled out from home and I saw that crowd of loving, tearful +faces fading away, I believe that for a few moments I realized the +actual bitterness of death! I was leaving everything that was dear to +me on earth, and going out into the dark unknown, alone. + +Of course it's for the best, the disagreeable always is. You are +responsible, my beloved cousin, and the consequences be on your +head. You thought my salvation lay in leaving Kentucky and seeking my +fortune in strange lands. Your tender sensibilities shrank from having +me exposed to the world as a young widow who is not sorry. So you +"shipped me some-wheres East of Suez" and tied me up with a four +years' contract. + +But, honor bright, Mate, I don't believe in your heart you can blame +me for not being sorry! I stuck it out to the last,--faced neglect, +humiliations, and days and nights of anguish, almost losing my +self-respect in my effort to fulfil my duty. But when death suddenly +put an end to it all, God alone knows what a relief it was! And how +curiously it has all turned out! First my taking the Kindergarten +course just to please you, and to keep my mind off things that ought +not to have been. Then my sudden release from bondage, and the +dreadful manner of it, my awkward position, my dependence,--and in the +midst of it all this sudden offer to go to Japan and teach in a +Mission school! + +Isn't it ridiculous, Mate? Was there ever anything so absurd as my lot +being cast with a band of missionaries? I, who have never missed a +Kentucky Derby since I was old enough to know a bay from a sorrel! I +guess old Sister Fate doesn't want me to be a one part star. For +eighteen years I played pure comedy, then tragedy for seven, and now I +am cast for a character part. + +Nobody will ever know what it cost me to come! All of them were so +terribly opposed to it, but it seems to me that I have spent my entire +life going against the wishes of my family. Yet I would lay down my +life for any one of them. How they have stood by me and loved me +through all my blind blunders. I'd back my mistakes against anybody +else's in the world! + +Then Mate there was Jack. You know how it has always been with +Jack. When I was a little girl, on up to the time I was married, after +that he never even looked it, but just stood by me and helped me like +a brick. If it hadn't been for you and for him I should have put an +end to myself long ago. But now that I am free, Jack has begun right +where he left off seven years ago. It is all worse than useless; I am +everlastingly through with love and sentiment. Of course we all know +that Jack is the salt of the earth, and it nearly kills me to give him +pain, but he will get over it, they always do, and I would rather for +him to convalesce without me than with me. I made him promise not to +write me a line, and he just looked at me in that quiet, quizzical way +and said: "All right, but you just remember that I'm waiting, until +you are ready to begin life over again with me." + +Why it would be a death blow to all his hopes if he married me! My +widow's mite consists of a wrecked life, a few debts, and a worldly +notion that a brilliant young doctor like himself has no right to +throw away all his chances in order to establish a small hospital for +incurable children. Whenever I think of his giving up that +long-cherished dream of studying in Germany, and buying ground for the +hospital instead, I just gnash my teeth. + +Oh! I know that you think it is grand and noble and that I am horrid +to feel as I do. Maybe I am. At any rate you will acknowledge that I +have done the right thing for once in coming away. I seem to have been +a general blot on the landscape, and with your help I have erased +myself. In the meanwhile, I wish to Heaven my heart would ossify! + +The sole power that keeps me going now is your belief in me. You have +always claimed that I was worth something, in spite of the fact that I +have persistently proven that I was not. Don't you shudder at the +risk you are taking? Think of the responsibility of standing for me in +a Board of Missions! I'll stay bottled up as tight as I know how, but +suppose the cork _should_ fly? + +Poor Mate, the Lord was unkind when he gave me to you for a cousin. + +Well it's done, and by the time you get this I will probably be well +on my sea-sick way. I can't trust myself to send any messages to the +family. I don't even dare send my love to you. I am a soldier lady, +and I salute my officer. + + + + +ON SHIP-BOARD. August 8th, 1901. + + +It's so windy that I can scarcely hold the paper down but I'll make +the effort. The first night I came aboard, I had everything to +myself. There were eighty cabin passengers and I was the only lady on +deck. It was very rough but I stayed up as long as I could. The blue +devils were swarming so thick around me that I didn't want to fight +them in the close quarters of my state-room. But at last I had to go +below, and the night that followed was a terror. Such a storm raged as +I had never dreamed of, the ship rocked and groaned, and the water +dashed against the port-holes; my bag played tag with my shoes, and my +trunk ran around the room like a rat hunting for its hole. Overhead +the shouts of the captain could be heard above the answering shouts of +the sailors, and men and women hurried panic-stricken through the +passage. + +Through it all I lay in the upper berth and recalled all the unhappy +nights of the past seven years; disappointment, heartache, +disillusionment, disgust; they followed each other in silent +review. Every tender memory and early sentiment that might have +lingered in my heart was ruthlessly murdered by some stronger memory +of pain. The storm without was nothing to the storm within, I felt +indifferent as to the fate of the vessel. If she floated or if she +sank, it was one and the same to me. + +When morning came something had happened to me. I don't know what it +was, but my past somehow seemed to belong to someone else. I had taken +a last farewell of all the old burdens, and I was a new person in a +new world. + +I put on my prettiest cap and my long coat and went up on deck. Oh, my +dear, if you could only have seen the sight that greeted me! It was +the limpest, sickest crowd I ever encountered! They were pea-green +with a dash of yellow, and a streak of black under their eyes, pale +around the lips and weak in their knees. There was only one other +woman besides myself who was not sick, and she was a missionary with +short hair, and a big nose. She was going around with some tracts +asking everybody if they were Christians. Just as I came up she +tackled a big, dejected looking foreigner who was huddled in a corner. + +"Brother, are you a Christian?" + +"No, no," he muttered impatiently. "I'm a Norwegian." + +Now what that man needed was a cocktail, but it was not for me to +suggest it. + +At table I am in a corner with three nice old gentlemen and one young +German. They are great on story-telling, and I've told all of mine, +most of yours and some I invented. One of the old gentlemen is a +missionary; when he found that I was distantly connected with the fold +he immediately called me "Dear Sister". If I were at home I should +call him "Dear Pa", but I am on my good behavior. + +The eating is fairly good, only sometimes it is so hot with curry and +spice that it nearly takes my breath. My little Chinese waiter is +entirely too solicitous for my comfort. No amount of argument will +induce him to leave my plate until I have finished, after a few +mouthfuls he whisks it away and brings me another relay. After +pressing upon me dishes of every kind, he insists on my filling up all +crevices with nuts and raisins, and after I have eaten, and eaten, he +looks hurt, and says regretfully: "Missy sickee, no eatee." + +There is one other person, who is just as solicitous. The little +German watches my every mouthful with round solemn eyes, and insists +upon serving everything to me. He looks bewildered when anyone tells a +funny story, and sometimes asks for an explanation. He has been +around the world twice, and is now going to China for three years for +the Society of Scientific Research. He seems to think I am the +greatest curio he has yet encountered in his travels. + +The chief excitement of our trip so far has been the day in +Honolulu. I wanted to sing for joy when we sighted land. The trees and +grass never looked so beautiful as they did that morning in the +brilliant sunshine. It took us hours to land on account of the red +tape that had to be unwound, and then there was an extra delay of +which I was the innocent cause. The quarantine doctor was inspecting +the ship, and after I had watched him examine the emigrants, and had +gotten my feelings wrought up over the poor miserable little children +swarming below, I found a nice quiet nook on the shelter deck where I +snuggled down and amused myself watching the native boys swim. The +water on their bronze bodies made them shine in the sunlight, and they +played about like a shoal of young porpoises. I must have stayed there +an hour, for when I came down there was considerable stir on board. A +passenger was missing and we were being held while a search of the +ship was made. I was getting most excited when the purser, who is the +sternest and best looking man you ever saw, came up and pounced upon +me. "Have you been inspected?" he demanded, eyeing me from head to +foot. "Not any more than at present," I answered meekly. "Come with +me," he said. + +I asked him if he was going to throw me overboard, but he was too full +of importance to smile. He handed me over to the doctor saying: "Here +is the young woman that caused the delay." Young woman, indeed! but I +was to be crushed yet further for the doctor looked over his glasses +and said: "Now how did we miss that?" + +But on to Honolulu! I don't wonder people go wild over it. It is as if +all the artists in all the world had spilled their colors over one +spot, and Nature had sorted them out at her own sweet will. I kept +wondering if I had died and gone to Heaven! Marvelous palms, and +tropical plants, and all hanging in a softly dreaming silence that +went to my head like wine. + +I started out to see the city, with two old ladies and a girl from +South Dakota, but Dear Pa and Little Germany joined the party. Oh! +Mate how I longed for you! I wanted to tie all those frousy old freaks +up in a hard knot and pitch them into the sea! The girl from South +Dakota is a little better than the rest, but she wears a jersey! + +There _are_ real tailor-made people on board, but I don't dare +associate with them. They play bridge most of the time and if I +hesitated near them I'd be lost. I'll play my part, never fear, but I +hereby swear that I will not dress it! + + + + +STILL ON BOARD. August 18th. + + +Dear Mate: + +I am writing this in my berth with the curtains drawn. No I am not a +bit sea-sick, just popular. One of the old ladies is teaching me to +knit, the short-haired missionary reads aloud to me, the girl from +South Dakota keeps my feet covered up, and Dear Pa and Little Germany +assist me to eat. + +The captain has had a big bathing tank rigged up for the ladies, and I +take a cold plunge every morning. It makes me think of our old days at +the cottage up at the Cape. Didn't we have a royal time that summer +and weren't we young and foolish? It was the last good time I had for +many a long day--but there, none of that! + +Last night I had an adventure, at least it was next door to one. I was +sitting up on deck when Dear Pa came by and asked me to walk with him. +After several rounds we sat down on the pilot house steps. The moon +was as big as a wagon wheel and the whole sea flooded with silver, +while the flying fishes played hide and seek in the shadows. I forgot +all about Dear Pa and was doing a lot of thinking on my own account +when he leaned over and said: + +"I hope you don't mind talking to me. I am very, very lonely." Now I +thought I recognized a grave symptom, and when he began to tell me +about his dear departed, I knew it was time to be going. + +"You have passed through it," he said. "You can sympathize." + +I crossed my fingers in the dark. "We are both seeking a life work in +a foreign field--" he began again, but just here the purser passed. He +almost stumbled over us in the dark and when he saw me and my elderly +friend, he actually smiled! + +Don't you dare tell Jack about this, I should never hear the last of +it. + +Can you realize that I am three whole weeks from home? I do, every +second of it. Sometimes when I stop to think what I am doing my heart +almost bursts! But then I am so used to the heartache that I might be +lonesome without it; who knows? + +If I can only do what is expected of me, if I can only pick up the +pieces of this smashed-up life of mine and patch them into a decent +whole that you will not be ashamed of, then I will be content. + +The first foreign word I have learned is "Alohaoe", I think it means +"my dearest love to you." Any how I send it laden with the tenderest +meaning. God bless and keep you all, and bring me back to you a wiser +and a gladder woman. + + + + +KOBE. August 18th, 1901. + + +Actually in Japan! I can scarcely believe it, even with all this +strange life going on about me. This morning a launch came out to the +steamer bringing Miss Lessing and Miss Dixon, the two missionaries in +whose school I am to work. When I saw them, I must confess that my +heart went down in my boots! Theirs must have done the same thing, for +we stood looking at each other as awkwardly as if we belonged to +different planets. The difference began with our heels and extended +right on up to the crown of our hats. Even the language we spoke +seemed different, and when I faced the prospect of living with such +utter strangers, I wanted to jump overboard! + +My fellow passengers suddenly became very dear, I clung to everything +about that old steamer as the last link that bound me to America. + +As we came down the gang plank, I was introduced to "Brother Mason" +and "Brother White", and we all came ashore together. I felt for all +the world like a convict sentenced to four years in the +penitentiary. When we reached the Hotel, I fled to my room and flung +myself on the bed. I knew I might as well have it out. I cried for two +hours and thirty-five minutes, then I got up and washed my face and +looked out of the window. + +It was all so strange and picturesque that I got interested before I +knew it. By and by Miss Lessing came in. Now that her hat was off I +saw that she had a very sweet face with pretty dark hair and a funny +little twinkle behind her eyes that made me think of you. She told me +how she had come out to Japan when she was a young girl, and how she +had built up the school, and all she longed to do for it. Then she +said, "Your coming seems like the direct answer to prayer. It has been +one of my dearest dreams to have a Kindergarten for the little ones, +it just seems too good to be true!" And she looked at me out of her +nice shining eyes with such gratitude and enthusiasm that I was +ashamed of what I had felt. + +After that Miss Dixon came up and they sat and watched me unpack my +trunk. It took me about two minutes to find out that they were just +like other women, fond of finery and pretty things and eager for news +of the outside world. They examined all the dainty under clothes that +sister had made for me, they marvelled over the high heeled slippers, +and laughed at the big sleeves. + +"Where are you going to wear all these lovely things?" asked Miss +Dixon. And again my heart sank, for even my simple wardrobe, planned +for the exigencies of school life, seemed strangely extravagant and +out of place. + +But I want to say right now, Mate, that if I stay here a thousand +years I'll never come to jerseys and eight-year-old hats! I am going +to subscribe to a good fashion paper, and at least keep within hailing +distance of the styles. + +It is too warm to go down to the school yet so we are to spend a week +in the mountains before we start in for the fall term. + +Dear Pa and Little Germany have been here twice in three hours but I +saw them first. + +Home letters will not arrive until next week, and I can scarcely wait +for the time to come. I keep thinking that I am away on a visit and +that I will be going back soon. I find myself saving things to show +you, and even starting to buy things to bring home. I have a good deal +to learn, haven't I? + + + + +HIEISAN. August 28th, 1901 + + +Fairy-land, real true fairy-land that we used to talk about up in the +old cherry-tree at grandmother's! It's all so, Mate, only more +bewitching than we ever dreamed. + +I have been in little villages that dropped right out of a picture +book. The streets are full of queer, small people who run about +smiling, and bowing and saying pretty things to each other. It is a +land where everybody seems to be happy, and where politeness is the +first commandment. + +Yesterday we came up the mountains in jinrikishas. The road was +narrow, but smooth, and for over three hours the men trotted along, +never halting or changing their gait until we stopped for lunch. + +There is not much to a Japanese house but a roof and a lot of bamboo +poles, but everything is beautifully clean. Before we had gotten down, +several men and women came running out and bowing and calling "Ohayo, +Ohayo" which means "good-morning." They ran for cushions and we were +glad enough to sit on the low benches and stretch ourselves. Then they +brought us delicious tea, and gathered around to see us drink it. It +seems that light hair is a great curiosity over here, and mine proved +so interesting that they motioned for me to take off my hat, and then +they stood around chattering and laughing at a great rate. Miss +Lessing said they wanted me to take my hair down, but would not ask it +because of the beautiful arrangement. Shades of Blondes! I wish you +could have seen it! But you _have_ seen it after a hard set of +tennis. + +When we had rested an hour, and drunk tea, and bowed and smiled, we +started out again, this time in a kind of Sedan chair, made of bamboo +and carried on a long pole on the shoulders of two men. Now I have +been up steep places but that trip beat anything I ever saw! I felt +like a fly on a bald man's head! We climbed up, up, up, sometimes +through woods that were so dense you could scarcely know it was +day-time, and again through stretches of dazzling sunshine. + +Just as I was beginning to wonder what had become of our luggage, we +passed four women laughing and singing. Two of them had steamer +trunks on their heads, and two carried huge kori. They did not seem to +mind it in the least, and bowed and smiled us out of sight. + +Another two hours' climb brought us to this village of camps called +Hieisan. There are about forty Americans here, who are camping out +for the summer, and I am the guest of a Dr. Waring and his wife from +Alabama. + +My tent is high above everything, on a great overhanging rock, and +before me is a view that would be a fit setting for Paradise. This +mountain is sacred to Buddha, and the whole of it is thick with +temples and shrines, some of them nobody knows how old. + +I have been trying to muster courage to get up at three o'clock in the +morning to see the monkeys come out for breakfast. The mountains are +full of them, but they are only to be seen at that hour. + +There are some very pleasant people here, and I have made a number of +friends. I am something of a conundrum, and curiosity is rife as to +_why_ I came. Mrs. Waring dresses me up and shows me off like a +new doll, and the women consult me about making over their clothes. + +I don't know why I am not perfectly miserable. The truth is, Mate, I +am having a good time! It's nice to be petted and treated like a +child. It is good to be among plain, honest people, that live out +doors, and have healthy bodies and minds. + +I want to forget all that I learned about the world in the past seven +years. I want to begin life again as a girl with a few illusions, +even if they are borrowed ones. I know too much for my years and I'm +determined to forget. + +The home letters were heavenly. I've read them limber. I'll answer +the rest to-morrow. + + + + +HIROSHIMA. Sept. 2nd, 1901. + + +At last after my wanderings I am settled for the winter. The school is +a big structure, open and airy, and I have a nice room facing the east +where you dear ones are. On two sides tower the mountains, and between +them lies the magical Inland Sea. This is a great naval and military +station, and while I write I can hear the bugle calls from the parade +grounds. + +I have a pretty little maid to wait on me and I wish you could see us +talking to each other. She comes in, bows until her head touches the +floor and hopes that my honorable ears and eyes and teeth are well. I +tell her in plain English that I am feeling bully, then we both +laugh. She is delighted with all my things, and touches them softly +saying over and over: "It's mine to care for!" + +There are between four and five hundred girls in the school and, until +I get more familiar with the language, I am to work with the older +girls who understand some English. You would smile to see their +curiosity concerning me. They think my waist is very funny and they +measure it with their hands and laugh aloud. One girl asked me in all +seriousness why I had had pieces cut out of my sides, and another +wanted to know if my hair used to be black. You see in all this big +city I am the only person with golden tresses, and a green carnation +would not excite more comment. + +Yesterday we went shopping to get some curtains for my room. Such a +crowd followed us that we could scarcely see what we were doing. When +we went into the stores we sat on the floor and a little boy fanned us +all the time we were making our selection. + +Monday, Miss Lessing asked me to begin a physical culture class with +the larger girls who are being trained for teachers, so I decided that +the first lesson would be on _skipping_. It is an unknown art in +Japan and the lack of it makes the Kindergarten work very awkward. + +I took fourteen girls out on the porch and told them by signs and +gestures to follow me. Then I picked up my skirts, and whistling a +coon-song, started off. You never saw anything to equal their look of +absolute astonishment! They even got down on their hands and knees to +watch my feet. But they were game, and in spite of their tight kimonos +and sandalled feet they made a brave effort to follow. The first +attempt was disastrous, some fell on their faces, some went down on +their knees, and all stumbled. I didn't dare laugh for the Japanese +can stand anything better than ridicule. I helped and encouraged and +cheered them on to victory. The next day there was a slight +improvement, and by the third day they were experts. I found that they +had spent the whole afternoon in practice! Now what do you suppose the +result is? An epidemic of skipping has swept over Hiroshima like the +measles! Men women and children are trying to learn, and when we go +out to walk I almost have convulsions at the elderly couples we pass +earnestly trying to catch the step! + +I was so encouraged by this success that I taught the girls all sorts +of steps and figures, even going so far as to teach them the +_quadrille_! But my ambition led me a little too far. One day I +came to class with a brand new step, which I had invented myself. It +_was_ rather giddy, but a splendid exercise. Well I headed the +line and after the girls had followed me around the room twice I saw +that they were convulsed with laughter! When I asked what was the +matter, they explained between gasps that the step was the principal +movement in the heathen dance given during festivals to the God of +Beauty! My saints! Wouldn't some of my dear brethren do a turn if +they knew! + +Every afternoon I take about forty of the girls out for a walk. Our +favorite stroll is along the moat that surrounds the old castle. It is +almost always spilling over with lotus blossoms. The maidens, +trotting demurely along in their rain-bow kimonos and little clicking +sandals make a pretty picture. We have to pass the parade grounds of +the barracks where 20,000 soldiers are stationed, and I do wish you +could see them trying to be modest, and yet peeping out of the corners +of their little almond eyes in a way which is not peculiar to any +particular country. + +And the way they imitate me makes me afraid to breathe naturally. This +thing of being a shining example is more than I bargained for. It is +one of the few things in my checkered career that I have hitherto +escaped. + +Never mind Mate, I couldn't be frivolous if I wanted to down +here. Kobe would have proven fatal, for there are many foreigners +there, and the temptation to have a good time would have been too much +for me. I am rapidly developing into a hymn-singing sister, and the +world and the flesh and the devil are shut up in the closet. Let us +pray. + + + + +October 2nd, 1901. + + +At last, dear Mate, I am started at my own work with the babies and +there aren't any words to tell you how cunning they are. There are +eighty-five high class children in the pay kindergarten, and forty in +the free. The latter are mostly of the very poor families, most of the +mothers working in the fields or on the railroads. There are so many +pitiful cases that one longs for a mint of money and a dozen hands to +relieve them. One little girl of six comes every day with her blind +baby brother strapped on her back. She is a tiny thing herself and yet +that baby is never unstrapped from her back until night comes. When I +first saw her old weazened face and her eagerness to play, I just took +them both in my lap and cried! + +One funny thing I must tell you about. From the first week that I got +here, the children have had a nickname for me. I noticed them laughing +and nudging each other on the street and in the school, and whenever I +passed they raised their right hands in salute, and gave a funny +little clucking sound. They seemed to pass the word from one to +another until every youngster in the neighborhood followed the +trick. My curiosity was aroused to such a pitch that I got an +interpreter to investigate the matter. When he came to report, he +smilingly touched my little enamelled watch, the one Jack gave me on +my 16th birthday, and apologetically informed me that the children +thought it was a decoration from the Emperor and they were saluting me +in consequence! And they have named me "The Lady of the Decoration". +Think of it, I have a title, and I am actually looked up to by these +funny yellow babies as a superior being. They forget it some time +though when we all get to playing together in the yard. We can't talk +to each other, but we can laugh and romp together, and sometimes the +fun runs high. + +I am busy from morning until night. The two kindergartens, a big +training class in physical culture, two Japanese lessons a day and +prayers about every three minutes, don't leave many spare hours for +homesickness. But the longing is there all the same, and when I see +the big steamers out in the harbor and realize that they are coaling +for _home_, I just want to steal aboard and stay there. + +The language is something awful. I get my tongue in such knots that I +have to use a corkscrew to pull it straight again. Just between you +and me, I have decided to give it up and devote my time to teaching +the girls to speak English instead. They are such responsive, eager +little things, it will not be hard. + +As for the country, I wouldn't dare to attempt a +description. Sometimes I just _ache_ with the beauty of it all! +From my window I can see in one group banana, pomegranate, persimmon +and fig trees all loaded with fruit. The roses are still in full +bloom, and color, color everywhere. Across the river, the banks are +lined with picturesque houses that look out from a mass of green, and +above them are tea-houses, and temples and shrines so old that even +the moss is gray, and time has worn away the dates engraved upon the +stones. + +We spent yesterday at the sacred Island of Miyajima, which is about +one hour's ride from here. The dream of it is still upon me and I wish +I could share it with you. We went over in a sampan, a rude open boat +rowed by two men in undress uniform. For half an hour we literally +danced across the sea; everything was fresh and sparkling, and I was +so glad to be alive and free, that I just sang for joy. Miss Leasing +joined in and the boatmen kept time, smiling and nodding their +approval. + +The mountains were sky high, and at their base in a small +crescent-shaped plain was the village with streets so clean and white +you hated to walk on them. We stopped at the "House of the White +Cloud" and three little maids took off our shoes and replaced them +with pretty sandals. The whole house was of cedar and ebony and bamboo +and it had been rubbed with oil until it shone like satin. On the +floor was a stuffed matting with a heavy border of crimson silk, and +in the corner of the room was a jar that came to my shoulder, full of +wonderfully blended chrysanthemums. All the rooms opened upon a porch +which hung directly above a roaring waterfall, and below us a dozen +steps away stretched the sparkling sea, full of hundreds of sailing +vessels and junks. + +In the afternoon, we wandered over the island, visiting the old, old +temples, listening to the mysterious wailing of the wind bells, +feeding the deer and crane, and drinking in the beauty of it all. I +felt like a disembodied spirit, traveling back, back over the +centuries, into dim forgotten ages. The dead seemed close about me, +yet they brought no gloom, for I too was dead. All afternoon I had +the impression of trying to keep my consciousness from drifting into +oblivion through the gate of this magical dream! + +How you would enjoy it all, and read its deeper meaning, which is +hidden from me. But even if I can't philosophize like a certain +blessed old Mate of mine, I can _feel_ until every nerve is a +tingle with the thrill. + +Good bye for a little while; I've stolen the time to write you this, +and now it behooves me to hustle. + + + + +November 12th, 1901. + + +It's been a long while between "drinks", but I have been waiting until +I could write a letter minus the groans. The truth is I have hit +bottom good and hard and it is only to-day that I have come to the +surface. When the exhilaration of seeing all the new and strange +sights wore off, I began to sink in a sea of homesickness that +threatened to put an end to the kindergarten business for good and +all. + +I worked like mad, and all the time I felt like one of these whizzing +rockets that go rushing through the air and die out in a miserable +little fizzle at the end. I can stand it in the daytime, but at night +I almost go crazy. And you have no idea how many women do lose their +minds out here. Nearly every year some poor insane creature has to be +shipped home. You needn't worry about that though, if I had mind +enough to lose I'd have lost it long ago. But to think of all my old +ambitions and aspirations ending in the humble task of wiping Little +Japan's nose! + +I suppose you think I am pulling for the shore but I am not. I am +steering my little craft right out in the billows It may be dashed to +smithereens, and it may come safely home again, but in any case, I'll +have the consolation of the Texas cowboy that "I've done my durndest!" + +By the way, what has become of Jack? He needn't have taken me so +literally as never to send me a message even! You mentioned his having +been at the Cape while you were there. Was he just as unsociable as +ever? I can see him now lying flat on his back in the bottom of a boat +reading poetry. I hate poetry, and when he used to quote his favorite +passages I made parodies on them. Now _you_ were always +different. You'd rhapsodize with him to his heart's content. + +Just here I had a lovely surprise. I looked out of the window and saw +a coolie pull a little wagon into the yard and begin to unload. I +couldn't imagine what was taking place but pretty soon Miss Dixon came +in with both arms full of papers, pictures, magazines and letters. It +was all my mail! I just danced up and down for joy. I guess you will +never know the meaning of letters until you are nine thousand miles +from home. And such dear loving encouraging letters as mine were! I +am going to sit right down and read them all over again. + + + + +November 24th, 1901. + + +Clear sailing once more, Mate! In my last, I remember, I was blowing +the fog horn pretty persistently. + +The letters from home set me straight again. If ever a human being was +blessed with a good family and good friends it is my unworthy self! +The past week has been unusually exciting. First we had a wedding on +hand. The bride is a girl who has been educated in the school, so of +course we were all interested. Some time ago, the middle-man, who does +all the arranging, came to her father and said a young teacher in the +Government school desired his daughter in marriage. The father +without consulting the girl investigated the suitor's standing, and +finding it satisfactory, said yea. So little Otoya was told that she +was going to be married, and the groom elect was invited to call. + +I was on tiptoe with curiosity to see what would happen, but the +meeting took place behind closed doors. Otoya told me afterwards that +she had never seen the young man until he entered the room, but they +both bowed three times, then she served tea while her mother and +father talked to him. "Didn't you talk to him at all?" I asked. She +looked horrified. "No, that would have been most immodest!" she +said. "But you peeped at him," I insisted. She shook her head, "That +would have been disgrace." Now that was three months ago and she +hadn't seen him until Monday when they were married. + +At our suggestion they decided to have an American wedding and I was +appointed mistress of ceremonies. It was great fun, for we had a best +man, besides brides-maids and flower girls, and Miss Lessing played +the Wedding March for them to enter. The arrangements were somewhat +difficult owing to the fact that the Japanese consider it the height +of vulgarity to discuss anything pertaining to the bride or the +wedding. They excused me on the ground that I was a foreigner. + +The affair was really beautiful! The little bride's outer garment was +the finest black crepe, but under it, layer after layer, were slips of +rainbow tinted cob-web silk that rippled into sight with every +movement she made. And every inch of her trousseau was made from the +cocoons of worms raised in her own house, and was spun into silk by +her waiting maids. + +After the excitement of the wedding had subsided, we had a visitation +from forty Chinese peers. They came in a cavalcade of kuramas, +gorgeously arrayed, and presenting an imposing appearance. I ran for +the poker for I thought maybe they had come to finish "Us +Missionaries." But, bless you, they had heard of our school and our +kindergarten and had come for the Chinese Government to investigate +ways and means. They made a tour of the school, ending up in, the +kindergarten. The children were completely overpowered by these +black-browed, fierce-looking gentlemen, but I put them through their +paces. The visitors were so pleased that they stayed all morning and +signified their unqualified approval. When they started to leave, I +asked the interpreter if their gracious highnesses would permit my +unworthy self to take their honorable pictures. Would you believe it? +Those old fellows puffed up like pouter pigeons, and giggled and +primped like a lot of school girls! They stood in a row and beamed +upon me while I snapped the kodak. If the picture is good, I'll send +you one. + +This morning I had to teach Sunday School. I'll be praying in public +next. I see it coming. The lesson was "The Prodigal Son", a subject +on which I ought to be qualified to speak. The Japanese youths +understood about one word out of three, but they were giving me close +attention. I was expounding with all the earnestness in me when +suddenly I remembered a picture Jack used to have. It was of a lean +little calf tearing down the road, while in the distance was coming a +lazy looking tramp. Underneath was the legend: + + "Run, bossy, run, + Here comes the Prodigal Son." + +That settled my sermon, so I told the boys a bear story instead. + +How I should love to drop in on you to-night and sit on the floor +before the fire and pow-wow! I'll be an awful back number when I come +home, but just think how entertaining I'll be! I have enough good +dinner stories to last through the rest of my life! + +For heaven's sake send me some hat pins, nice long ones with pretty +heads. And if you are in New York this winter please get me two +bottles of that violet extract that I always use. + +My dearest love to all, and a hundred kisses to the blessed children +at home Don't you _dare_ let them forget me. + + + + +November 27th, 1901. + + +I told you it would come! My prophetic soul foresaw it. I had to lead +the prayer in chapel this morning. And I play the organ in Sunday +School and listen to two Japanese sermons on Sunday. + +I tell you, Mate, this part of the work goes sadly against the +grain. They say you get used to hanging if you just hang long enough, +so I suppose I'll become reconciled in time. You ask me _why_ I +do these things. Well you see it's all just like a big work shop, +where everybody is working hard and cheerfully and yet there is so +much work waiting to be done, that you don't stop to ask whether you +like it or not. + +I can't begin to tell you of the hopelessness of some of the lives out +here. Just think of it! Women working in the stone quarries, and in +the sand pits and on the railroads, and always with babies tied on +their backs, and the poor little tots crippled and deformed from the +cramped position and often blind from the glare of the sun. + +What I am crazy to do now is to open another free kindergarten in one +of the poorest parts of the city. It would cost only fifty dollars to +run it a whole year, and I mean to do it if I have to sell one of my +rings. It is just glorious to feel that you are actually helping +somebody, even if that somebody is a small and dirty tribe of Japanese +children. I get so discouraged and blue sometimes that I don't know +what to do, but when a little tot comes up and slips a very soiled +hand into mine and pats it and lays it against his cheek and hugs it +up to his breast and says, "Sensei, Sensei," I just long to take the +whole lot of them to my heart and love them into an education! + +They don't know the word love but they know its meaning, and if I +happen to stop to pat a little head, a dozen arms are around me in a +minute, and I am almost suffocated with affection. One little fellow +always calls me "Nice boy" because that is what I called him. + +We are having glorious weather, cold in doors but warm outside. The +chrysanthemums and roses are still blooming, and the trees are heavily +laden with fruit. The persimmons grow bigger than a coffee cup and the +oranges are tiny things, but both are delicious. Chestnuts are twice +as big as ours, and they cook them as a vegetable. + +You'll be having Thanksgiving soon, and you will all go up to +Grandmother's, and have a jolly time together. Have them fix a plate +for me, Mate, and turn down an empty glass. Nobody will miss me as +much as I will miss my poor little self. + +What jolly Thanksgivings we have had together! The gathering of the +clans, the big dinner, and the play at night. Not exactly a play, was +it, Mate f More of a vaudeville performance with you as the stage +manager, and I as the soubrette. Do you remember the last reunion +before I was married? I mean the time I was Lady Macbeth and gave a +skirt dance, and you did lovely stunts from Grand Opera. Have you +forgotten Jack's famous parody on "My Country 'Tis of Thee?" + + "My turkey, 'tis of thee, + Sweet bird of cranberry, + Of thee I sing! + I love thy neck and wings, + Legs, back and other things," etc, etc. + +There goes the bell, and here go I. I can appreciate the feelings of +a fire engine! + + + + +Christmas Day, 1901. + + +Had somebody told you last Christmas, as we trimmed the big tree and +made ready for the family gathering, that this Christmas would find me +in a foreign country teaching a band of little heathens, wouldn't you +have thought somebody had wheels in his head? + +And yet it is true, and I have only to lift my eyes to realize fully +that I am really in the flowery kingdom. The plum blossoms are in full +bloom and the roses too, while a thick frost makes everything +sparkling white in the sunshine. The mountains have put on a thin +blue veil trimmed in silver, and over all is a turquoise sky. + +And best of all, everybody--I speak figuratively--is happy. It may be +that some poor little waif is hungry, having had only rice water for +breakfast, it may be some sad hearts are beating under the gay +kimonos, and it _may_ be, Mate dear, that somebody, a stranger in +a strange land, can't keep the tears back, and is longing with all her +mind and soul and body for home and her loved ones. But never you +mind, nobody knows it but you and me and a bamboo tree! + +This afternoon we are going to have tea for the Mammas and Papas, and +I am going to put on my prettiest clothes and do my yellow locks in +their most fetching style. + +I shall lock up tight, way down deep, all heartaches and longings and +put on my best smile for these dear little people who have given to +me, a stranger, such full measure of their sympathy and friendship, +who, in the big service last month, when giving thanks for all the +great blessings of the past year, named the new Kindergarten teacher +first. + +Do you wonder that I am happy and miserable and homesick and contented +all at the same time? + +The box I sent home for Christmas was a paltry offering compared to +what I wanted to send, but the things were bought with the first money +I ever earned. They are packed in so tight with love that I doubt if +you ever get them out. + +Our Christmas dinner was not exactly a success. We invited all the +foreigners in Hiroshima, twelve in number, and everybody talked a +great deal and laughed at everybody's stale jokes, and pretended to be +terribly hilarious. But there was a pathetic droop to every mouth, +and not a soul referred to _home_. Each one seemed to realize +that the mere mention of the word would break up the party. + +I tell you I am beginning to look with positive reverence on the +heroism of some of these people! Tears and regrets have no place here; +desire, ambition, love itself is laid aside, and only taken out for +inspection perhaps in the dead hours of the night. If heart breaks +come, as come they must, there is no crying out, no rebellion, just a +stiffer lip and a firmer grip and the work goes on. + +I wish I was like that, but I'm not. If Nature had put more time on +my head and less on my heart, she would have turned out a better job. + +I put a pipe in the box for Jack. If you think I ought not to have +done it, don't give it to him. As old Charity used to say, "I don't +want to discomboberate nobody." Only I hope he won't think I am +ungrateful and indifferent. + + + + +NAGASAKI. January 14th, 1902. + + +Now aren't you surprised at hearing from me in Nagasaki? I am +certainly surprised at being here! One of the teachers at the school, +Miss Dixon, Was taken sick and had to come here to see a doctor. I was +lucky enough to be asked to come with her. + +I am so excited over being in touch with civilization again that I +can't sleep at night! The transports and all the steamers stop here, +and every type of humanity seems to be represented. This morning when +I went out to mail a letter, there were two Sikhs in uniform in front +of me, at my side was a Russian, behind me two Chinamen and a +Japanese, while a Frenchman stepped aside for me to pass, and an +Irishman tried to sell me some vegetables! + +Miss Dixon had to go to the Hospital for a few days, though her +trouble is nothing serious, and I accepted an invitation from +Mrs. Ferris, the wife of the American Consul, to spend a few days with +her. + +And oh! Mate, if you only _knew_ the time I have had! If I +weren't a sort of missionary-in-law I would quote Jack and say it has +been "perfectly damn gorgeously." If you want to really enjoy the +flesh-pots just live away from them for six months and then try them! + +The night I came, the Ferrises gave me a beautiful dinner, and I wore +evening dress for the first time in two years, and was as thrilled as +a debutante at her first ball! It was so good to see cut glass and +silver, and to hear dear silly worldly chatter that I grew terribly +frivolous. Plates were laid for twenty, and who do you suppose was on +my right? The severe young purser who was on the steamer I came over +in! His ship is coaling in the harbour and he is staying with the +Ferrises, who are old friends of his. He is so solemn that he almost +kills me. If he weren't so good looking I could let him alone, but as +it is I can't help worrying the life out of him. + +The dinner was most elaborate. After the oysters, came a fish nearly +three feet long all done up in sea-weed, then a big silver bowl was +brought in covered with pie-crust. When the carver broke the crust +there was a flutter of wings, and "four and twenty black birds" flew +out. This it seems was done by the Japanese cook as a sample of his +skill. All sorts of queer courses followed, served in the most unique +manner possible. + +After dinner they begged me to sing, and though I protested violently, +they got me down at the piano. I didn't get up any more until the +party was over for they made me sing every song I knew and some I +didn't. I sang some things so hoary with age that they were decrepit! +The purser so far forgot himself as to ask me to sing "My Bonnie lies +over the Ocean"! I did so with great expression while he looked +pensively into the fire. Since then I have called him, "My Bonnie," +and he _hates_ me. + +The next day we went out to services on board the battleship "Victor." +The ship had been on a long cruise and we were the first American +women the officers had seen for many a long day. They gave us a +rousing welcome you may be sure. Through some mistake they thought I +was a "Miss" instead of a "Mrs." and I shamelessly let it pass. During +service I heard little that was said for the band was playing outside +and flags were flying and I was feeling frivolous to the tip of my +toe! I guess I am still pretty young, for brass buttons are just as +alluring as of old. + +When the Admiral heard I was from Kentucky, he invited us to take +tiffin with him, and we exchanged darkey stories and the old gentleman +nearly burst his buttons laughing. After tea, he showed us over the +ship, making the sailors line up on deck for our benefit. "Tell the +band to play 'Old Kentucky Home'," he ordered. + +"You'll lose a passenger if you do!" I cried, "for one note of that +would send me overboard!" + +He was so attentive that I had little chance to talk to the young +officers I met. But several of them have called since, and I have been +out to a lot of teas and dinners and things with them. The one I like +best is a young fellow from Vermont. He is very clever and jolly and +we have great fun together. In fact, we are such chums that he showed +me a picture of his fiancee. He is very much in love with her, but if +I were in her place I would try to keep him within eye-shot. + +We will probably go home to-morrow as Miss Dixon is so much better. +I am glad she is better, but I could have been reconciled to her being +mildly indisposed for a few days longer. + +I forgot to thank you for the kodak book you sent Christmas; between +the joy of seeing all the familiar faces, and the bitterness of the +separation, and the absurdity of your jingles, I nearly had hysterics! +I almost felt as if I had had a visit home! The old house, the cabin, +the cherry tree, and all the family even down to old black Charity, +the very sight of whom made me hungry for buckwheat cakes, all, all +gave me such joy and pain that it was hard to tell which was +uppermost. + +It's worth everything to be loved as you all love me, and I am willing +to go through anything to be worthy of it. I have had more than my +share of hard bumps in life, but, thank Heaven, there was always +somebody waiting to kiss the place to make it well. There isn't a day +that I haven't some evidence of this love; a letter, a paper, a book +that reminds me that I'm not forgotten. + +A note has just come from his Solemn Highness, the purser, asking me +to go walking with him! I am going to try to be nice to him but I know +I won't! He is so young and so serious that I can't resist shocking +him. He doesn't approve of giddy young widows that don't look sorry! +Neither do I. In two days I return to the fold. Until then "My +Bonnie" beware! + + + + +HIROSHIMA, February 19th, 1902. + + +After a sleepless night I got up this morning with a splitting +headache. I have been back in the traces for a month, and I am +beginning to feel like a poor old horse in a tread mill, not that I +don't love the work, but oh! Mate, I am so lonesome, lonesome, +lonesome. I think I used up so much sand when I first came that the +supply is running low. + + "All day there is the watchful world to face + The sound of tears and laughter fill the air. + For memory there is but scanty space + Nor time for any transport of despair. + But, Love, the pulse beats slow, the lips turn white + Sometimes at night!" + +Perhaps when I am old and gray and wrinkled I'll be at peace. But +think of the years in between! I have been cheated of the best that +life holds for a woman, the love of a good husband, the love of her +children, and the joys of a home. + +The old world shakes its finger and says "you did it yourself". But, +Mate, I was only eighteen, and I didn't know the real from the +false. I staked my all for the prize of love, and I lost. Heaven knows +I've paid the penalty, but I'd do it over again if I thought I was +right. The difference is that then I was a child and knew too little, +and now I am a woman and know too much. + +Sometimes the hymn-singing and praying, and "Sistering" and +"Brothering" get on my nerves, until I almost scream, but when I +remember how heavenly good to me they are I'm all contrition. I have +even been invited to write for the Mission papers, now isn't that +sufficient glory for any sinner? + +Your letters are such comforts to me! I read them over and over and +actually know parts of them by heart! Since I was a little girl I +have had a burning desire to win your approval. I remember once when +you said I was stronger than the little boy next door I sprained my +back trying to prove, it. And now when you write those lovely things +about me and tell me how good and brave I am, why I'd sprain something +worse than my back to be worthy of your approval! + +But my courage doesn't always ring true, Mate, sometimes it's a brass +ring. If you want to hear of true heroism, just listen to this +story. There was a little American Missionary, who was going home to +stay after twenty years of hard service. At the request of the board +she stopped off at the Leper Colony in order to make a report. Soon +after she reached home, she discovered a small white spot on her hand, +and on consulting a physician, found it was leprosy. Without breathing +a word of it to anyone, she bade her family and friends a cheerful +good-bye, and came straight back to that Leper Colony, where she took +up her work among the outcasts. Never an outcry, never a groan, not +even a plea for sympathy! Now how is that for a soldier lady? + +It is quite cold to-day and I am indulging in the luxury of a roaring +fire. You know the natives use little stoves that they carry around +with them, and call "hibachi." But cold as it is, the yard is full of +roses and the tea-plants are gorgeous. I don't wonder that the climate +gets mixed, out here. Everything else is hind part before. + +What do you suppose I've been longing for all day? A good saddle +horse? I feel that a brisk canter would set me straight in a short +time. But the only horse in Hiroshima is a mule. A knock-kneed, +cross-eyed old mule that bitterly resents the insult of being hitched +to something that is a cross between a wheelbarrow and a baby +buggy. The driver stands up for the excellent reason that he has no +place to sit down! We tried this coupe once for the fun and +experience. We got the experience all right but I am not so sure about +the fun. We jolted along through the narrow streets scraping first +against one house, then against another, while our footman, oh yes we +had a footman, ran beside the thoroughbred to help him up when he +stumbled. + +To-morrow we are to have company. A Salvation Army lassie comes down +from Tokio with a brass band. It is the second time in the history of +the town that the people have had a chance to hear a brass band, and +they are greatly thrilled. I must say I am a bit excited myself; Miss +Lessing says she is going to keep me in sight, for fear I will follow +the drum away. She needn't worry. I am through following anything in +this world but my own nose. + + + + +HIROSHIMA, March 25, 1902. + + +I am absolutely walking on air today! Just when I thought my +cherished dream of a free kindergarten would have to be given up, the +checks from home came! You were a trump to get them all interested, +and it was beautiful the way they responded. Only _why_ did you +tell Jack? He oughtn't to have sent so much. I'd send it back if I +weren't afraid of hurting him. + +My head is simply spinning with plans! We are going to open the school +right away and there are hundreds of things to be done. In spite of my +home-sickness, and loneliness and longing for you loved ones, I +wouldn't come home now if I could! It is the feeling that I am needed +here, that a big work will go undone, if I don't do it, that simply +puts my little wants and desires right out of the question! + +Yesterday we had a mothers' meeting, and I have not stopped laughing +over it yet! It seems that the mothers considered it proper to show +their appreciation by absolute solemnity. After tea and cake were +served they sat in funeral silence. Not a word nor a smile could we +get out of them. When I couldn't stand it another minute, I told Miss +Lessing I was going to break the ice if I went under in the effort. +By means of an interpreter, I told the mothers that we were going to +try an American amusement and would they lend their honorable +assistance? Then I called in thirty of the school girls and told each +one to ask a mother to skip. They were too polite to decline, so to +the tune of "Mr. Johnson, Turn Me Loose," the procession started. +Miss Dixon couldn't stay in the room for laughing. The old and the +young, and the fat and the thin caught the spirit of it and went +hopping and jumping around the circle in great glee. After that, old +ladies and all played "Pussy Wants a Corner," and "Drop the +Handkerchief," and they laughed and chattered like a lot of children. +They stayed four hours, and we are still picking up hair ornaments! + +Up over my table I have the little picture you sent of the "Lane that +turned at last". You always said my lane, would turn, and it +_has_ turned into a broad road bordered by cherry-blossoms and +wistaria. But, Mate, you needn't think there are no more mudholes, for +there are. When I see them ahead, I climb the fence and walk around! + +I am getting quite thrilled these days over the prospect of war. The +soldiers are drilling by the hundreds, and the bugles are blowing all +day. It makes little thrills run up and down my back, but Miss Lessing +says nothing will come of it, that Japan is always getting ready for a +scrap. But the Trans-Siberian Railway has refused all freight because +it is too busy bringing soldiers and supplies to Vladivostock. Now +speaking of Vladivostock reminds me of a plan that has been suggested +for next summer. Miss Dixon, the teacher who was sick, is going to +Russia and is crazy for me to go with her. It wouldn't be much more +expensive than staying in Japan, and would be tremendously +interesting. Don't mention it to anybody at home, but write me if you +approve. I wish you could have peeped into my room last night. Four +or five of the girls slipped in after the silence bell had rung, and +we sat around the fire on the floor and drank tea while I showed them +my photographs. They made such a pretty picture, with their gay gowns +and red cheeks, and they were so thrilled over all my things. The +pictures from home interested them most of all, especially the one of +you and Jack which I have framed together. At first they thought you +must be married, and when I said no, they decided that you were +lovers, so I let it go. + +After they went to bed, I sat and looked at the two pictures in the +double frame and wondered how it was after all that you and Jack +_hadn't_ fallen in love with each other! You both live with your +heads in the clouds; I should think you would have bumped into each +other long before this. He told me once that you had fewer faults than +any woman he had ever known. Telling me of other people's virtues was +one of Jack's long suits. + +My last minute of grace is gone, so I must say good-night. I am +getting up at five o'clock these mornings in order to get in all that +I want to do. + + + + +HIROSHIMA, May 31, 1902. + + +Under promise that I will not write a long letter, I am allowed to +begin one to you this morning. Miss Lessing wrote you last week that I +had been sick. The truth is I tried to do too much, and paid up for it +by staying in bed two whole weeks. Perhaps I will acquire a little +sense in the next world; I certainly haven't in this! Japan wasn't +made for restless, energetic people. If you can't learn to be lazy, +you can't last long. + +I can never tell you how good Miss Lessing has been, sleeping right by +me, taking care of me and loving me like I was her own child. The +girls too, have been so good sending me gifts almost every hour in the +day. One little girl got up at prayers the other night, and, folding +her hands, said: "Oh Lord, please make the Skipping Sensei well, and +help me to keep my mouth shut so it will be quiet, for she has been +good to us and we all do love her much." Heaven knows the "Skipping +Sensei" needs all the prayers of the congregation! + +Just as soon as school is over, Miss Dixon and I start for +Russia. It's a good thing that vacation is near for I am tired of +being a Missionary lady, and a school-marm, in fact I am tired of +being good. + +Don't worry about me, for I am all right. I've just run down and need +a little fun to wind me up for another year. + + + + +KOBE, July 16, 1902. + + +Does July 16th mean anything to you? It does to me. Just one year ago +today the gates of that old Union Depot shut between me and all that +was dear to me, and I went out into the big world to fight my big +fight alone. Well, I am still fighting, Mate, and probably will be to +the end of the campaign. + +As you see I am in Kobe waiting for my pass-port to go to Russia. If +there is anything you want to know about pass-ports just apply to +me. With all confidence, I sailed down to the Consulate and was met by +a pair of legs attached to a huge mustache and the funniest little +button of a head you ever saw. I think the Lord must have laughed when +he got through making that man! He was horribly bored with life in +general, and me in particular. He motioned me wearily to a chair +beside a table, and, handing me a paper, managed to sigh: "Fill in." + +The questions were about like this: Who was your father? What are you +doing out of your own country? Was anybody in your family ever hung? +How many teeth have you? + +I wrote rapidly until I got to "When were you born?" Button-Head was +standing by me, so I looked up at him helplessly and told him that was +one thing I _never_ could remember. He said I would have to, and +I said I couldn't. He pranced around for fifteen minutes, and I +pretended to be racking my brain. + +Then he handed me a Bible, and said in a stern voice: "Swear." I told +him that I couldn't, that I never had sworn, that ladies didn't do it +in America, wouldn't he please do it for me? + +About this time Miss Dixon spoiled the fun by laughing, so I had to +behave. After we had spent two hours and three dollars in that dingy +old office, we departed, but our troubles were not over. No sooner had +we reached the hotel than Button-Head appeared with more papers. "You +failed to describe yourself," he mournfully announced, handing me +another slip. + +I had not had my dinner and I was cross, but I seized a pen determined +to make short work of it. How tall? Easily told. Black or white? Very +easy. Kind of chin? Round and rosy. Shape of face? Depends on time +and place. Hair? Pure gold. Eyes? Now I knew they were green but that +did not sound poetic enough so I appealed to Dixie. She thought for a +while, then said, "Not gray nor brown, I have it, they are syrup +colored!" So I put it down along with a lot of other nonsense. + +Now the papers have to be sent to Tokyo for approval, then back here +again where I will have to do some more signing and swearing. Isn't +this enough to discourage people from ever going anywhere? + +The news about the sailboat is great. How many of you will be up at +the Cape this summer? Is Jack going? When I think of the starlight +nights out in the boat, and the long lazy mornings on the beach, I get +absolutely faint with longing. Heretofore I haven't _dared_ to +enjoy things, and now, when I might, I am an exile heading for +Siberia! Oh, well! perhaps there will be starlight nights in Siberia, +who knows? + + + + +VLADIVOSTOCK, SIBERIA, August 16, 1902. + + +If I should write all I wanted to say this morning, my letter would +reach across the Pacific! I didn't believe it was possible for me ever +to have such a good time again. + +When we came, we brought a letter of introduction to a Mrs. Heath. She +has a beautiful big house, and a beautiful big heart, and she took us +right into both. + +The day after we arrived, I was standing on her piazza looking down +the bay, when I saw a battle-ship come sailing in under a salute of +seventeen guns from the fort. It turned out to be the "Victor," and +you never knew such rejoicing. Mrs. Heath knows all the navy people +and her house is a favorite rendezvous. Before night, we had met many +old acquaintances, among them my Nagasaki friend, "Vermont." + +It has been tremendously jolly and I can't deny that I have been +outrageously frivolous for a missionary! But to save my life I can't +conjure up the ghost of a regret! And what is more, I have been +contaminating Dixie! I have kept her in such a giddy whirl that she +says I have paralysed her conscience! I have dressed her up and +trotted her along to lunches, teas and dinners, to concerts on sea and +land, and once, Oh! awful confession, I bulldozed her into going to +the theatre! The consequence is that she has gotten entirely well and +looks ten years younger. Her chief trouble was that she had surrounded +herself with a regular picket fence of creed and dogma, and was afraid +to lift her eyes for fear she would catch a glimpse through the +cracks, of the beautiful world which God meant for us to enjoy. It +gave me particular joy to pull a few palings off that picket fence! + +Most of my time is spent on the water with Vermont. I don't find it +half bad out on the bewitching Uzzuri Bay when the moon is shining and +the music floats over the water, to discuss love with a fascinating +youth! + +What does it matter if he is talking about "the other one"? Don't you +suppose that I am glad to know that somewhere in this wide world +there's a man that can be loyal to his sweetheart even though she is +ten thousand miles away? + +I ask occasional questions and don't listen to the answers, and he +pours out his confessions and thinks I am lovely. He really is one of +the dearest fellows I ever met, and I am glad for that other girl with +all my heart. + +I like several of the other men very much but they bother me with +questions. They refuse to believe that I am connected with a mission, +and consider it all as a huge joke. + +I wish you could see this place. It is built in terraces up the +greenest of mountains and forms a crescent around the bay. Everybody +seems to be in uniform of some kind, and soldiers and sailors are at +every turn. The streets are a glittering panorama of strange color and +form. At night everything is ablaze, bands playing, uniforms +glittering, and flags flying. It is all just one intense thrill of +life and rhythm, and the cloven foot of my worldliness never fails to +keep time. + +But when daylight comes and all the sordid ugliness is revealed, +disgust takes the place of fascination. The streets are crowded with +thousands of degraded Chinese and Koreans, who, even in their +brutality, are not as bad as the ordinary Russians. + +Through this mass of poverty and degradation dash handsome carriages +filled with richly clad people. The drivers wear long blue plush +blouses with red sleeves and belt, and trousers tucked in high +boots. On their heads they wear funny little hats that look as if they +had been sat on. They generally stand up while driving and lash the +poor horses into a dead run from start to finish. Many of them are +ex-convicts and can never leave Siberia. If their cruelty to horses +is any criterion of their cruelty to their fellow men, I can't help +thinking they deserve their punishment. + +I won't dare to mail this letter until I get out of Russia for they +are so cranky about their blessed old country. They would not even +let me have a little flag to send to the boys at home! I found out +to-day that a policeman comes every day to see what we have been +doing, what hours we keep, etc. In fact every movement is watched, +and one day when we returned to the hotel, we found that all our +possessions had been searched, and the police had even left their old +cigar stumps among our things! The more you see of Russia, the more +deeply you fall in love with Uncle Sam! + +Several days ago Mrs. Heath gave us a tennis-tea and we had a jolly +time. The tea was served under the trees from a steaming samovar, +around which gathered representatives of many nations. There were many +unpronounceable gentlemen, and one real English Lord, who considered +Americans, "frightfully amusing." + +I thought I had forgotten how to play tennis but I hadn't. That +undercut that Jack taught us won me a reputation. + +It is only when I stop to think, that I realize how far I am from +home! When I wonder where you all are this minute, and what you are +doing, I feel as if I were on a visit to the planet Mars, and had no +communication whatever with the world. + +Think of me, Mate, in Siberia, eating fish with a spoon, and drinking +coffee from a glass! Verily, when old Sister Fate found she could not +down me, she must have decided to play pranks with me! + +My box of new clothes arrived just before I started, and I have had +use for everything. When I get on the white coat suit and the white +hat, I feel like a dream. + +The weather is simply glorious, like our best October days at +home. Nothing could be more unlike than Russia and Japan! one is a +great oil painting, tragic, majestic, grand, while the other is an +exquisitely dainty water color full of sunshine and flowers. + +Callers have come so I must close. Life is a very pretty game after +all, especially when you get wise enough to look on. + + + + +VLADIVOSTOCK, SIBERIA, September 1, 1902. + + +Just a short letter to tell you that we leave Vladivostock to-night. I +am all broken up; it has been the happiest summer that I have had for +years and I can't bear to think of it being over. + +It has been so long since Peace and I have been acquainted that I +hardly yet dare look her full in the face for fear she will take +flight and leave me in utter darkness again. Even if she has not come +to live with me, she is at least my next door neighbor, and I offer +her incense that she may abide. + +Now I might as well confess that if it were not for Memory there is no +telling what Peace might do! Poor old Memory! I'd like to throttle her +sometime and bury her in a deep hole. Yet she has served me many a +good turn, and often laid a restraining hand on impulse and +thought. But she is like a poor relation, always turning up at the +wrong time! + +For instance, on a gorgeous moonlight night on the Uzzuri Bay when you +are out in a sampan with a pigtail who neither sees nor hears, and +your companion is clever enough to be fascinating and daring enough to +say things he "hadn't oughter," and the music and the moonlight gets +into your head, and you feel young and reckless and sentimental, then +all of a sudden Memory recalls another moonlight night when the youth +and the romance weren't merely make believe, and your mind travels +wearily over the intervening years, and you sit up straight and look +severe and put your hands behind you! + +Oh! I am clinging to my ideal, Mate, never fear. I've held on to her +garments until they are tattered and torn. You introduced me to her +and I have never lost sight of her entirely. + +This afternoon the Victor sailed for the Philippines. As she passed +Mrs. Heath's cottage where we had all promised to be, she dipped her +colors. I felt pretty blue for I knew my good times were on board, +and were sailing out of sight. + +I am now at the hotel, trunk and boxes packed, waiting to +start. Cinderella is not going to wait for the stroke of twelve; she +has donned her sober garments and is ready to be whisked back to the +cinders on the hearth. I am glad hard work is ahead; a solid grind +seems necessary for my soul's salvation. + +Farewell, vain earth! I love you not wisely but too well. + +Why can't people be nice to one without being too nice? And why can't +you be horrid to people without being too horrid? Selah. + + + + +HIROSHIMA, October 10, 1902. + + +Dear Old Mate: + +I am so dead tired to-night that I could not tell what part of me +ached the most! But the spirit moves me to unburden my soul and I feel +that I must write you. For this is one of my _dream_ nights, and +I have so many in Japan, when my old shell is too exhausted to move, +and so permits my soul to wander where it will, a dream night, when +the moon is its silveriest and biggest and I want to hug it for I know +that twelve hours before it looked down on my loved ones, and now it +comes to make more beautiful this fairy land, hiding the scars and +ugly places, touching the pine trees with silver points, and +glorifying the old Temples, till one wonders if they _could_ have +been made by hands. A night when the white robed priests are doing +honor to some "heathen idol" and must needs call his wandering +attention by the stroke of the deep toned bell, which sends its music +far across sleeping Japan, out into the wonderful sea. + +I don't know what comes over me such nights as these. I don't seem to +be me at all! I can lie most of the night, wide awake, yet unconscious +of my surroundings, and dream dreams. I live through all the joyful +days of childhood, then through the sorrowful days of womanhood when I +was learning how to live, through the years of heartache and +heart-break,--and through it all, though I actually suffer, there, is +such an unspeakable lightness and buoyancy, such a lifting up, that +even pain is a pleasure. I can't explain it all, unless it is the +influence of this mysterious country, lulling and soothing, but +powerful and subtle as poison. + +My dear girl you say you feel too far away to help me! Now don't you +worry about that! If you never wrote me another line, you would help +me. Just to know that you are around there, on the other side of the +earth, believing in me, loving me, and _approving_ of me, means +everything. You were right to make me come, and while it cost me my +very heart's blood, yet I am learning my lesson as you said I would. + +My little ship may never again sail into the harbor of happiness, yet +there are sunny seas where soft winds blow, and even if my ship is all +by its lonesome, yet it's such a frisky craft, warranted never to +sink, no matter what the weather, that it can sail over many seas, +touch many lands, and grow rich in experience. And hid away in the +locker where no eye save mine may see, are my treasures; your love is +one, and nothing can rob me of it. + +What you write me of Jack makes me very unhappy. I am not worth his +worrying over. Tell him so, Mate. If I could ever care for anybody +again in this world, it would be for him, but if an occasional +sentiment dares to spring up into my heart, I pull it up by the roots! +I would give anything to write to him, but I know it would only bring +pain to us both. Be good to him, Mate, I can't bear to think of him +being miserable. + +I am so tired that I can scarcely keep the tears back. I must write no +more. + + + + +HIROSHIMA, November 14, 1902. + + +I have about fifteen minutes between classes, and I am going to spend +them on you. Now who do you suppose has come to the surface again? +Little Germany, who was on the steamer coming over. He wasted a great +many stamps on me for the first few months after we landed but he got +tired of playing solos. He was on his way to Thibet to enter a +monastery to study some ancient language. Heaven knows why he wants to +know anything more antique than the language he speaks! I don't +believe there is any old dusty, forgotten corner of the world that he +hasn't poked into. + +Well you know the fatal magnetism I exert over fossils! They always +turn to me as naturally as needles turn to a loadstone. This +particular mummy was no exception. + +I wrote him a formal stately answer, reminding him in gentle reproof +that I was a widow (God save the Mark) and that my life was dedicated +to my work. It was no use, he bombarded me with letters, with bigger +and bigger words and longer and fiercer quotations. In the last one +he threatens to come to Hiroshima! + +If he does, I am going to shave my eye-brows and black my teeth! He +speaks seven languages, and yet he doesn't know the meaning of the one +word "no." + +Jack used to say that if a man was persistent enough he could win a +woman in spite of the Devil. I would like to see him! I mean Jack, not +Dutchy nor the Devil. + + + + +HIROSHIMA, Christmas Eve, 1902. + + +I am in the very thickest of Christmas, and yet such a funny, unreal +Christmas, that it does not seem natural at all. Hiroshima is busy +decorating for the New Year, and everything is gay with brilliant +lanterns, plum blossoms and crimson berries. The little insignificant +streets are changed into bowers of sweet smelling ferns and spicy +pines, and the bamboo leaves sway to every breeze, while the waxen +plum blossoms send out a perfume sweet as violets. + +The shop-keepers and their families put on their gayest kimonos and +their most enticing smiles and greet you with effusion. + +On entering a shop you are asked if your honorable eyes will deign to +look upon most unworthy goods. Please will you give this or that a +little adoring look? The price? Ah! it's price is greatly enhanced +since the august foreigner cast honorable eyes upon it. (Which is no +joke!) Whether the article is bought or not, the smile, the bow, the +compliment are the same. All this time the crowd around the door of +the shop has been steadily increasing until daylight is shut out, for +everyone is interested in your purchase from the man who hauls the +dray up to the highest lady in the land. The shop-keeper is very +patient with the crowd until it shuts out the light, then he invites +them to carry their useless bodies to the river and throw them in. + +Once outside you see another crowd and as curiosity is in the air, you +crane your neck and try to get closer. The center of attraction is a +man in spotless white cooking bean cake on a little hibachi. The air +is cold and crisp, and the smell of the savory bean paste, piping hot, +makes you hungry. + +Next comes the fish man with a big flat basket on each end of a pole, +and offers you a choice lot; long slippery eels, beautiful shrimp, as +pink as the sunset, and juicy oysters whose shells have been scrubbed +until they are gleaming white. Around the baskets are garlands of +paper roses to hide from view the ugly rough edges of the straw. + +The candy shops tempt you to the last sen, and the toy shops are a +perfect joy. Funny fat Japanese dolls and stuffed rabbits and +cross-eyed, tailless cats demand attention. Perhaps you will see a +cheap American doll with blue eyes and yellow hair carefully exhibited +under a glass case, and when you are wondering why they treasure this +cheap toy, you happen to glance down and catch the worshipping gaze of +a wistful, half starved child, and your point of view changes at once +and you begin to understand the value of it, and to wish with all your +heart that you could put an American dolly in the hands of every +little Japanese girl on the Island! + +It is getting almost time to open my box and I am right childish over +it. It has been here for two days, and I have slipped in a dozen times +to look at it and touch it. Oh! Mate, the time has been so long, so +cruelly long! I wake myself up in the night some time sobbing. One +year and a half behind me, and two and a half ahead! I remember mother +telling about the day I started to school, how I came home and said +triumphantly, "Just think I've only got ten more years to go to +school!" + +Poor little duffer! She's still going to school! + +Last night I had another mother's meeting for the mothers of the Free +Kindergarten. This time I gave a magic lantern show, and I was the +showman. The poor, ignorant women sat there bewildered. They had never +seen a piano, and many of them had never been close to a foreigner +before. I showed them about a hundred slides, explained through an +interpreter until I was hoarse, gesticulated and orated to no +purpose. They remained silent and stolid. By and by there was a stir, +heads were raised, and necks craned. A sudden interest swept over the +room. I followed their gaze and saw on the sheet the picture of Christ +toiling up the mountain under the burden of the cross. The story was +new and strange to them, but the fact was as old as life itself. At +last they had found something that touched their own lives and brought +the quick tears of sympathy to their eyes. + +I am going to have a meeting every month for them, no matter what else +has to go undone. + +It is almost time to hang up our stockings. Miss Lessing and Dixie +objected at first, but I told them I was either going to be very +foolish or very blue, they could take their choice. I have to do +something to scare away the ghosts of dead Christmases, so I put on my +fool's cap and jingle my bells. When I begin to weaken, I go to the +piano and play "Come Ye Disconsolate" to rag time, and it cheers me up +wonderfully. + +I guess it's just about daylight with you now. Pete is tiptoeing in to +make the fires. I can hear him now saying: "Christmas Gif' Mister Sam, +Chris'mus Gif' Miss Bettie!" and the children are flying around in +their night clothes wild with excitement. Down in the sitting room the +stockings make a circle around the room and underneath each is a pile +of gifts. I can see the big log fire, and the sparkle of it in the old +book-case, and in the long glass between the windows. And in a few +minutes here you all come, you uncles and you cousins and you aunts, +trooping in with the smallest first. And such laughing, and shouting, +and rejoicing! and maybe in the midst of the fun somebody speaks of +me, and there's a little hush, and a little longing, then the fun goes +on more furiously than ever. + +Well even if I am on the wrong side of the earth in body, I am not in +spirit, and I reach my arms clear around the world and cry "God bless +you, every one." + + + + +HIROSHIMA, March, 1903. + + +I have a strong conviction that I am going to swear before I get +through this letter, for this pen is what I would call, to use +unmissionary language, devilish. My! how familiar and wicked that word +looks! I've heard so many hymns and so much brotherly and sisterly +talk that it seems like meeting an old friend to see it written! + +Here it is nearly cherry-blossom time again, and the days and the +weeks are slipping away into months before I know it. I am working at +full speed and wonder sometimes how I keep up. But I don't dare leave +any leisure for heartaches, even when the body is quivering from +weariness, and every nerve cries out for rest. I must keep on and on +and on, for all too easily the dread memories come creeping back and +enfold me until there is no light on any side. From morning until +night it is a fight against the tide. + +Work is the only thing that keeps me from thinking, and I am +determined not to think. I suppose I am as contented here as I could +be anywhere. My whole heart is in the kindergarten and the success of +it, and maybe the day will come when my work will be all sufficient to +satisfy my soul's craving. But it hasn't come yet! + +I almost envy some of these good people who can stand in the middle of +one of their prayers and touch all four sides. They know what they +want and are satisfied when they get it, but I want the moon and the +stars and the sun thrown in. + +When things seem closing in upon me and everything looks dark, I flee +to the woods. I never knew what the trees and the wind and the sky +really meant until I came out here and had to make friends of them. I +think you have to be by yourself and a bit lonesome before Nature ever +begins to whisper her secrets. Can you imagine Philistine Me going out +on the hill top to see the sun-rise and going without my supper to see +it set? I am even studying the little botany that Jack gave me, though +my time and my intellect are equally limited. + +And speaking of Jack leads me to remark that there is no necessity for +all of you to maintain such an oppressive silence concerning him! +Three months ago you wrote me that he was not well, and that he was +going south with you and sister. He must be pretty sick to stop work +even for a week. I have pictured you sitting with a loaf of bread and +a jug of wine beneath the bough quoting poetry at each other to your +heart's content. + +You say when I come home I can rest on my laurels; no thank you, I +want a Morris chair, a pitcher of lemonade, all the new books and a +little darkey to fan me. + +Mrs. Heath has asked me to visit her in Vladivostock this summer and I +am going if the cholera doesn't get worse. We are so afraid of it +that we almost boil the cow before we drink the milk! + +Among the delicacies of our menu out here are raw fish, pickled +parsnips, sea-weed and bean-paste. As old Charity used to say I've +gotten so "acclamitized" I think I could eat a gum shoe. + +When they send out my spring box from home, please tell them to put in +some fluffy white dresses with elbow sleeves. Then I want lots of +pretty ribbons, and a white belt. I saw in the paper that crushed +leather was the proper thing. It sounds like something good to eat, +but if it's to wear send it along. + +My disposition will be everlastingly ruined if I write another line +with this pen. Good-bye. + + + + +HIROSHIMA, May, 1903. + + +Well the catastrophe arrived and we were prisoners for nearly a +week. It was not quite cholera but close enough to it to scare us all +to death. Both Eve and the apple were young and green, and the +combination worked disaster. When the doctor arrived, he shipped Eve +off to the inspection hospital, while we were locked up, guarded by +five small policemen, and hardly allowed to open our mouths for fear +we would swallow a germ. We were fumigated and par-boiled until we +felt like steam puddings. Nobody was allowed to go in or out, our +vegetables were handed to us in a basket on a bamboo pole over the +wall. We tied notes to bricks and flung them to our neighbors on the +outside. Thank Heaven, the servants were locked in too. Every day a +little man with lots of brass buttons and a big voice came and asked +anxiously after our honorable insides. + +I used every inducement to get them to let me go out for exercise. I +fixed a tray with my prettiest cups and sent a pot of steaming coffee +and a plate of cake out to the lodge house. Word came back, "We are +not permitted to drink or taste food in an infected house." Then I +tried them on button-hole bouquets, and when that failed, I got +desperate, and announced that I was subject to fits, unless I got +regular outside exercise every day. That fetched them and they gave +the foreign teachers permission to walk in the country for half an +hour provided we did not speak to any one. + +Eve was up and having a good time before the school gates were opened. +While a prisoner, I did all sorts of odd jobs, patched, mended, +darned, wrote letters, and chopped down two trees. The latter was a +little out of my line, but the trees were eaten up with caterpillars, +and as I could not get anybody to cut them down, I sallied forth and +did it myself. My chef stood by and admired the job, but he would not +assist for fear he would unwittingly murder one of his ancestors! + +You would certainly laugh to see me keeping house with a cook book, a +grocery book and a dictionary. The other day I gave directions for +poached eggs, and the maid served them in a huge pan full of water. + +There are one hundred and twenty-five yellow kids waiting for me so I +must hurry away. + + + + +VLADIVOSTOCK, SIBERIA, July, 1903. + + +I didn't mean that it should be so long a time before I wrote you, but +the closing of school, the Commencement, and the getting ready to come +up here about finished me. You remember the old darkey song, "Wisht I +was in Heaben, settin' down"? Well that was my one ambition and I +about realized it when I got up here to Mrs. Heath's and she put me in +a hammock in a quiet corner of the porch and made me keep blissfully +still for two whole days. + +The air is just as bracing, the hills are just as green, and the +lights and shadows dance over the harbor just as of old. We have +tennis, golf, picnics, sails, and constant jollification, but I don't +seem to enjoy it all as I did last summer. It isn't altogether +homesickness, though that is chronic, it is a constant longing for I +don't know what. + +Viewed impersonally, the world is a rattling good show, but instead of +smiling at it from the front row in the dress circle, I get to be one +of the performers every time. + +We have been greatly interested in watching the Russians build a fort +on one of their islands near here. They insist there will be no war +and at the same time they are mining the harbor and building forts day +and night. The minute it is dark the searchlights are kept busy +sweeping the harbor in search of something not strictly Russian. I +hope I will get back as safely as I got here. + +Did I tell you that I stopped over two days in Korea? I had often +heard of the Jumping Off Place, but I never expected to actually see +it! The people live in the most awful little mud houses, and their +poverty is appalling. No streets, no roads, no anything save a fog of +melancholy that seems to envelop everything. The terrible helplessness +of the people, their ignorance, and isolation are terrible. + +The box from home was more than satisfactory. I have thoroughly +enjoyed wearing all the pretty things. The hat sister sent was about +the size of a turn-table; a strong hat pin and a slight breeze will be +all I need to travel to No Man's Land. Sister says it's +_moderate_, save the mark! but it really is becoming and when I +get it on, my face looks like a pink moon emerging from a fleecy black +cloud. I had to practice wearing it in private until I learned to +balance it properly. + +I shall stay up here through July and then I am thinking of going to +Shanghai with Mrs. Heath's sister, who lives there. I am very fond of +her, and I know I would have a good time. I feel a little like a +subscription list, being passed around this way, but I simply +_have_ to keep going every minute when I am not at work. + +They are calling up to me from the tennis court so I must stop for the +present. + + + + +SHANGHAI, CHINA, August, 1903. + + +The mail goes out this morning and I am determined to get this letter +written if I break up a dozen parties. As you see, I am in Shanghai, +this wonderful big understudy for Chicago, which seems about as +incongruous in its surroundings as a silk hat on a haystack! There +are beautiful boulevards, immense houses, splendid public gardens, all +hedged in by a yellow mass of orientals. + +Every nationality is represented here, and people meet, mingle, and +separate in an ever changing throng. At every corner stands a tall +majestic Sikh, with head bound in yards of crimson cloth, directing +the movements of the crowd. Down the street comes a regiment of +English soldiers, so big and determined that one well understands +their victories. The ubiquitous Russian makes himself known at every +turn, silent and grave, but in his simplest dealings as merciless and +greedy as the country he represents. Frenchmen and Germans, and best +of all, the unquenchable American, join in the panorama, and the +result is something that one does not see anywhere else on the +globe. I guess if my dear brethren knew of the theatre parties, +dinners and dances I was going to, they would think I was on a +toboggan slide for the lower regions! I am mot though. I am simply +getting a good swing to the pendulum so that I can go back to "the +field," and the baby organs and the hymn-singing with better grace. It +is very funny, but do you know that for a _steady diet_ I can +stand the saints much better than I can the sinners! + +My friends the Carters live right on the Bund facing the water. They +keep lots of horses and many servants, and live in a luxury that only +the East can offer. Every morning before I am up a slippery Chinese, +all done up in livery, comes to my room and solemnly announces: "Missy +bath allee ready, nice morning, good-bye." From that time on I am +scarcely allowed to carry my pocket handkerchief! + +The roads about here are perfect, and we drive for hours past big +country houses, all built in English fashion. There is one grewsome +feature in the landscape, however, and that is the Chinese graves. In +the fields, in the back and front yards, on the highways, any bare +space that is large enough to set a box and cover it with a little +earth, serves as a burying ground. + +I am interested in it all, and enjoying it in a way, but, Mate, there +is no use fibbing to you, there is a restlessness in my heart that +sometimes almost drives me crazy. There is nothing under God's sun +that can repay a woman for the loss of love and home. It's all right +to love humanity, but I was born a specialist. The past is torn out by +the roots but the awful emptiness remains. I am not grieving over what +has been, but what isn't. That last sentence sounds malarial, I am +going right upstairs to take a quinine pill. + + + + +SOOCHOW, August, 1903. + + +Well, Mate, this is the first letter I have really written you from +China. Shanghai doesn't count. Soochow is the real article. The +unspeakable quantity and quality of dirt surpasses anything I have +ever imagined. Dirt and babies, there are millions of babies, under +your feet, around your heels, every nook and corner full of babies. + +From Shanghai to Soochow is only a one night trip, and as I had an +invitation to come up for over Sunday, I decided to take advantage of +it. You would have to see the boat I came in to appreciate it. They +call it a house-boat, but it is built on a pattern that is new to +me. In the lower part are rooms, each of which is supplied with a +board on which you are supposed to sleep. Each passenger carries his +own bedding and food. In the upper part of the boat is a sort of loft +just high enough for a man to sit up, and in it are crowded hundreds +of the common people. A launch tows seven or eight of these +house-boats at a time. I will not ask you to even imagine the +condition of them; I had to stand it because I was there, but you are +not. + +It was just at sunset when we left Shanghai, and I got as far away +from the crowd as I could and tried to forget my unsavory +surroundings. The sails of thousands of Chinese vessels loomed black +and big against the red sky as they floated silently by without a +ripple. In the dim light, I read on the prow of a bulky schooner, +"'The Mary', Boston, U.S.A." Do you know how my heart leapt out to +"The Mary, Boston, U.S.A."? It was the one thing in all that vast, +unfamiliar world that spoke my tongue. + +When I went to my room, I found that a nice little Chinese girl in a +long sack coat and shiny black trousers was to share it with me. I +must confess that I was relieved for I was lonesome and a bit nervous, +and when I discovered that she knew a little English I could have +hugged her. We spread our cold supper on the top of my dress suit +case, put our one candle in the center, and proceeded to feast. Little +Miss Izy was not as shy as she looked, and what she lacked in +vocabulary she made up in enthusiasm. We got into a gale of laughter +over our efforts to understand each other, and she was as curious +about my costume as I was about hers. She watched me undress with +unfeigned amusement, following the lengthy process carefully, then she +rose, untied a string, stepped out of her coat and trousers, stood for +a moment in a white suit made exactly like her outer garments, then +gaily kicked off her tiny slippers and rolled over in bed. I don't +know if this is a universal custom in China, but at any rate, little +Miss Izy will never be like the old lady, who committed suicide +because she was so tired of buttoning and unbuttoning. + +The next morning we were in Soochow, at least outside of the city +wall. They say the wall is over two thousand years old and it +certainly looks it, and the spaces on top left for the guns to point +through make it look as if it had lost most of its teeth. Things are +so old in this place, Mate, that I feel as if I had just been born! I +have nearly ran my legs off sightseeing; big pagodas and little +pagodas, Mamma Buddhas and Papa Buddhas, and baby Buddhas, all of whom +look exactly like their first cousins in Japan. + +Soochow is just a collection of narrow alley-ways over which the house +tops meet, and through which the people swarm by the millions, sellers +crying their wares, merchants urging patronage, children screaming, +beggars displaying their infirmities, and through it all coolies +carrying sedan chairs scattering the crowd before them. + +In many of the temples, the priests hang wind bells to frighten the +evil spirits away. I think it is a needless precaution, for it would +only be a feeble-minded spirit that would ever want to return to China +once it had gotten away! + + + + +HIROSHIMA, October, 1903. + + +In harness again and glad of it. I've opened the third kindergarten +with the money from home; it's only a little one, eighteen children in +all, and there were seventy-five applicants, but it is a +beginning. You ought to see the mothers crowding around, begging and +pleading for their children to be taken in, and the little tots weep +and wail when they have to go home. I feel to-day as if I would almost +resort to highway robbery to get money enough to carry on this work! + +My training class is just as interesting as it can be. When the girls +came to me two years ago they were in the Third Reader. With two +exceptions, I have given them everything that was included in my own +course at home, and taught them English besides. They are very +ambitious, and what do you suppose is their chief aim in life? To +study until they know as much as I do! Oh! Mate, it makes me want to +hide my head in shame, when I think of all the opportunities I +wasted. You know only too well what a miserable little rubbish pile of +learning I possess, but what you _don't_ know is how I have +studied and toiled and burned the midnight tallow in trying to work +over those old odds and ends into something useful for my girls. If +they have made such progress under a superficial, shallow-pated thing +like me, what _would_ they have done under a woman with brains? + +I wish you could look in on me to-night sitting here surrounded by all +my household goods. The room is bright and cozy, and just at present I +have a room-mate. It is a little sick girl from the training class, +whom I have taken care of since I came back. She belongs to a very +poor family down in the country, her mother is dead, and her home life +is very unhappy. She nearly breaks her heart crying when we speak of +sending her home, and begs me to help her get well so she can go on +with her studies. + +Of course she is a great care, but I get up a little earlier and go to +bed a little later, and so manage to get it all in. + +We are getting quite stirred up over the war clouds that are hanging +over this little water-color country. Savage old Russia is doing a lot +of bullying, and the Japanese are not going to stand much more. They +are drilling and marching and soldiering now for all they are +worth. From Kuri, the naval station, we can hear the thunder of the +guns which are in constant practice. Out on the parade grounds, in +the barracks, on every country road preparation is going on. Officers +high in rank and from the Emperor's guard are here reviewing the +troops. Those who know say a crash is bound to come. So if you hear +of me in a red cross uniform at the front, you needn't be surprised. + + + + +HIROSHIMA, November, 1903. + + +My dear old Mate: + +I am just tired enough to-night to fold my hands, and turn up my toes +and say "Enough." If overcoming difficulties makes character, then I +will have as many characters as the Chinese alphabet by the time I get +through. The bothers meet me when the girl makes the fire in the +morning and puts the ashes in the grate instead of the coal, and they +keep right along with me all day until I go to bed at night and find +the sheet under the mattress and the pillows at the foot. + +It wouldn't be near so hard if I could charge around, and let off a +little of my wrath, but no, I must be nice and sweet and polite and +_never_ forget that I am an Example. + +Have you ever seen these dolls that have a weight in them, so that you +can push them over and they stand right up again? Well I have a large +one and her name is Susie Damn. When things reach the limit of +endurance, I take it out on Susie Damn. I box her jaws and knock her +over, and up she comes every time with such a pleasant smile that I +get in a good humor again. + +What is the matter with you at home? Why don't you write to me? I +used to get ten and twelve letters every mail, and now if I get one I +am ready to cry for joy. Because I am busy does not mean that I +haven't time to be lonely. Why, Mate, you can never know what +loneliness means until you are entirely away from everything you +love. I have tried to be brave but I haven't always made a grand +success of it. What I have suffered--well don't let me talk about +it. As Little Germany says, to live is to love, and to love is to +suffer. And yet it is for that love we are ready to suffer and die, +and without it life is a blank, a sail without a wind, a frame without +the picture! + +Now to-morrow I may get one of your big letters, and you will tell me +how grand I am, and how my soul is developing, etc., and I'll get such +a stiff upper lip that my front teeth will be in danger. It takes a +stiff upper lip, and a stiff conscience, and a stiff everything else +to keep going out here! + +From the foregoing outburst you probably think I am pale and dejected. +"No, on the contrary," as the seasick Frenchman said when asked if he +had dined. I am hale and hearty, and I never had as much color in my +life. The work is booming, and I have all sorts of things to be +thankful for. + +Our little household has been very much upset this week by the death +of our cook. The funeral took place last night at seven o'clock from +the lodge house at the gate. The shadows made on the paper screens as +they prepared him for burial, told an uncanny story. The lack of +delicacy, the coarseness, the total disregard for the dignity of death +were all pictured on the doors. I stood in the chapel and watched +with a sick heart. After they had crowded the poor old body into a +sitting position in a sort of square tub, they brought it out to the +coolies who were to carry it to the temple, and afterward to the +crematory. The lanterns flickered with an unsteady light, making +grotesque figures that seemed to dance in fiendish glee on the +grass. The men laughed and chattered, and at last shouldered their +burden and trotted off as merrily as if they were going to a matsuri. +I never before felt the cruelty of heathenism so keenly. No punishment +in the next world can equal the things they miss in this life by a +lack of belief in a personal God. + +It must be very beautiful at home about this time. The beech trees are +all green and gold, and the maples are blazing. I am thinking too +about the shadows on the old ice-house. I know every one of them by +heart, and they often come to haunt me as do many other shadows of the +sad, sad past. + + + + +HIROSHIMA, December, 1903. + + +God bless you honey, I've got a holiday and I've sworn vengeance on +anyone who comes to my door until I have written my Christmas +letters. I wish I was a doctor and a trained nurse, and a scholar, a +magician, a philosopher and a saint all combined. I need them in my +business. + +I have spent this merry Christmas season, chasing from pillow to post +with bandages, hot water bags, poultices and bottles. We have had a +regular hospital. All the Christmas money I had saved to buy presents +for home went in Cod Liver Oil, and Miss Lessing, bless her soul, is +doing without a coat for the same purpose. When you see a girl +struggling for what little education she can get, and know what +sacrifices are being made for it, you just hate your frumpery old +finery, and you want to convert everything you possess into cash to +help her. All the teachers are doing without fires in their rooms this +winter, and it is rather chillsome to go to bed cold and wake up next +morning in the same condition. When I get home to a furnace-heated +house and have cream in my coffee, I shall feel too dissipated to be +respectable! + +We have not been able to get a new cook since our old one died, and +the fact must have gotten abroad, for all the floating brethren and +sisters in Japan have been to see us! Y.M.C.A.'s, W.C.T.U.'s, +A.W.B.M.'s and X.Y.Z.'s have sifted in, and we have to sit up and be +Marthas and Marys all at the same time! + +Sometimes I want to get my hat and run and run until I get to another +planet. But I am not made of the stuff that runs, and I have the +satisfaction of knowing that I have stuck to my post. If sacrificing +self, and knocking longings in the head, and smashing heart-aches +right and left, do not pass me through the Golden Gate, then I'll sue +Peter for damages. + +It's snowing to-day, but the old Earth is making about as poor a bluff +at being Christmasy as I am. The leaves are all on the trees, many +flowers are in bloom, and the scarlet geraniums are warm enough to +melt the snow flakes. + +My big box has arrived and I am keeping it until to-morrow. I go out +and sit on it every little while to keep cheered up. This is my third +Christmas from home, one more and then--! + +There has been too much sickness to make much of the holiday, but I +have rigged up a fish pond for the kindergarten children, and each +kiddie will have a present that cost one-fourth of a cent! I wish I +had a hundred dollars to spend on them! + +To-night when the lights are out, my little sick girl's stocking will +hang on one bed post, and mine on the other. I don't believe Santa +Glaus will have the heart to pass us by, do you? + + + + +HIROSHIMA, January, 1904. + + +Here it is January and I am just thanking you dear ones for my +beautiful Christmas box. As you probably guessed, Mate, our Christmas +was not exactly hilarious. The winter has been a hard one, the +prospect of war has sent the price of provisions out of sight, the +sick girls in the school have needed medicine and fires, so altogether +Miss Lessing, Miss Dixon and I have had to do considerable tugging at +the ends to get them to meet. None of us have bought a stitch of new +clothing this winter, so when our boxes came, we were positively dazed +by all the grandeur. + +They arrived late at night and we got out of bed to open them. The +first thing I struck was a very crumpled little paper doll, with baby +Bess' name printed in topsy-turvy letters on the back. For the next +five minutes I was kept busy swallowing the lumps that came in my +throat, but Dixie had some peppermint candy out of her box, the first +I had seen since I had left home, so I put on my lovely new beaver +hat, which with my low-necked gown and red slippers was particularly +chic, and I sat on the floor and ate candy. It--the hat and the candy +too, went a long way towards restoring my equanimity, but I didn't +dare look at that paper doll again that night! + +You ask if I mind wearing that beautiful crepe de chine which is not +becoming to you? Well, Mate, I suppose there was a day when I would +have scorned anybody's cast-off clothes, but I pledge you my word a +queen in her coronation robes never felt half so grand as I feel in +that dress! Somehow I seem to assume some of your personality, I look +tall and graceful and dignified, and I try to imagine how it feels to +be good and intellectual, and fascinating, and besides I have the +satisfaction of knowing that I am rather becoming to the dress myself! +It fits without a wrinkle and next summer with my big black hat,--! +Well, if Little Germany sees me, there will be something doing! + +I must tell you an experience I had the other day. Miss Lessing and I +were coming back on the train from Miyajima and sitting opposite to us +was an old couple who very soon told us that they had never seen +foreigners before. They were as guileless as children, and presently +the old man came over and asked if he might look at my jacket. I had +no objections, so he put his hands lightly on my shoulders and turned +me around for inspection. "But," he said to Miss Lessing in Japanese, +"how does she get into it?" I took it off to show him and in so doing +revealed fresh wonders. He returned to his wife, and after a long +consultation, and many inquiring looks, he came back. He said he knew +he was a great trouble, but I was most honorably kind, and would I +tell him why I wore a piece of leather about my waist, and would I +please remove my dress and show them how I put it on? He was +distinctly disappointed when I declined, but he managed to get in one +more question and that was if we slept in our hats. When he got off, +he assured us that he had never seen anything so interesting in his +life, and he would have great things to tell the people of his +village. + +There isn't a place you go, or a thing you do out here that doesn't +afford some kind of amusement. + +The first glamour of the country has gotten dimmed a bit, not that the +interest has waned for a moment, but I have come to see that the +beauty and picturesqueness are largely on the surface. If ever I have +to distribute tracts in another world, I am going to wrap a piece of +soap in every one, for I am more and more convinced that the surest +way to heaven for the heathen is the Soapy Way. + +During the holidays I tried to study up a little and add a drop or two +to that gray matter that is supposed to be floating around in my +brain. But as a girl said of a child in Kindergarten, "my intelligence +was not working." Putting Psychology into easy terms, stopping to +explain things I do not understand very well myself, struggling +through the medium of a strange language, and trying to occidentalize +the oriental mind has been a stiff proposition for one whose learning +was never her long suit! When I come home I may be nothing but a +giggly, childishly happy old lady, who doesn't care a rap whether her +skin fits or not. + +The prospect of war is getting more and more serious. Out in the +Inland Sea, the war ships are hastening here and there on all sorts of +secret missions. I hope with all my heart there will not be war, but +if there is, I hope Japan will wipe Russia right off the map! + + + + +HIROSHIMA, February, 1904. + + +Dear old Mate: + +I am breathless! For three weeks I have had a chase up hill and down +dale, to the top of pine clad mountains, into the misty shadows of the +deep valleys, up and down the silvery river, to and fro on the frosty +road. For why! All because I had lost my "poise," that treasured +possession which you said I was to hang on to as I do to my front +teeth and my hair. So when I found it was gone, I started in full +pursuit. Never a sight of its coat tails did I catch until Sunday, +when I gave up the race and sat me down to fight out the old fight of +rebellion, and kicking against the pricks. + +It was a perfect day, the plum trees were white with blossom, the +spice bushes heavy with fragrance, the river dancing for joy, and the +whole earth springing into new, tender life. A saucy little bird sat +on an old stone lantern, and sang straight at me. He told me I was a +whiney young person, that it was lots more fun to catch worms and fly +around in the sunshine than it was to sit in the house and mope. He +actually laughed at me, and I seized my hat and lit out after him, and +when I came home I found I had caught my "poise." + +To-day in class I asked my girls what "happiness" meant. One new girl +looked up timidly and said, "Sensei, I sink him just mean _you_." +I felt like a hypocrite, but it pleased me to know that on the outside +at least I kept shiny. + +I tell you if I don't find my real self out here, if I don't see my +own soul in all its bareness and weakness then I will never see it. At +home hedged in by conventionality, custom, and the hundred little +interests of our daily life, we have small chance to see ourselves as +we really are, but in a foreign land stripped bare of everything in +the world save _self_, in a loneliness as great sometimes as the +grave, face to face with new conditions, new demands, we have ample +chance to take our own measurement. I cannot say that the result +obtained is calculated to make one conceited! + +I fit into this life out here, like a square peg in a round hole. I am +not consecrated, I was never "_called_ to the foreign field," I +love the world and the flesh even if I don't care especially for the +devil, I don't believe the Lord makes the cook steal so I may be more +patient, and I don't pray for wisdom in selecting a new pair of +shoes. When my position becomes unbearable, I invariably face the +matter frankly and remind myself that if it is hard on the peg, it is +just as hard on the hole, and that if they can stand it I guess I can! + +You ask about my reading. Yes, I read every spare minute I can get, +before breakfast, on my way to classes, and after I go to +bed. Somebody at home sends me the magazines regularly and I keep them +going for months. + +By the way I wish you would write and tell me just exactly how Jack +is. You said he was working too hard and that he looked all fagged +out. Wasn't it exactly like him to back out of going South on account +of his conscience? He would laugh at us for saying it was that, but it +was. He may be unreligious, and scoff at churches and all that, but he +has the most rigid, cast-iron, inelastic conscience that I ever came +across. I wish he would take a rest. You see out here, so far away +from you all, I can't help worrying when any of you are the least bit +sick. Jack has been on my mind for days. Don't tell him that I asked +you to, but won't you get him to go away? He would curl his hair if +you asked him to. + +Preparations for war are still in progress and it makes a fellow +pretty shivery to see it coming closer and closer. Hiroshima will be +the center of military movements and of course under military law. It +will affect us only as to the restrictions put on our walks and places +we can go. With the city so full of strange soldiers, I don't suppose +we will want to go much. Two big war ships, which Japan has just +bought from Chili are on their way from Shanghai. Regiment after +regiment has poured into Hiroshima and embarked again for Corea. I am +terribly thrilled over it all, and the Japanese watch my enthusiasm +with their non-committal eyes and never say a word! + +My poor little sick girl grows weaker all the time. She is a constant +care and anxiety, but she has no money and I cannot send her back to +her wretched home. The teachers think I am very foolish to let the +thing run on, and I suppose I am. She can never be any better, and she +may live this way for months. But when she clings to me with her frail +hands and declares she is better and will soon get well if I will only +let her stay with me, my heart fails me. I have patched up an old +steamer chair for her, and made a window garden, and tried to make the +room as bright as possible. She has to stay by herself nearly all day, +but she is so patient and gentle that I never hear a complaint. This +morning she pressed my hand to her breast and said wistfully, "Sensei, +it makes sorry to play all the time with the health." + +Miss Lessing tried to get her in the hospital but they will not take +incurables. + +Somehow Jack's hospital scheme doesn't seem as foolish as it did. If +there are other children in the world as friendless and dependent as +this one, then making a permanent home for them would be worth all the +great careers in the world. + + + + +HIROSHIMA, March, 1904. + + +My Best Girl: + +Don't I wish you were here to share all these thrills with me! War is +actually in progress, and if you could see me hanging out of the +window at midnight yelling for a special, then chasing madly around to +get someone to translate it for me, see me dancing in fiendish glee at +every victory won by this brave little country, you would conclude +that I am just as young as I used to be. I tell you I couldn't be +prouder of my own country! Just think of plucky little old Japan +winning three battles from those big, brutal, conceited Russians. Why +I just want to run and hug the Emperor! And the school girls! Why +their placid faces are positively glorified by the fire of +patriotism. Once a week a trained nurse comes to give talks on +nursing, and if I go into any corner afterward, I find a group of +girls practising all kinds of bandaging. Even the demurest little +maiden cherishes the hope that some fate may send her to the +battle-field, or that in some way she may be permitted to serve her +country. + +I am afraid I am not very strict about talking in class these days, +but, somehow, courage, nobility, and self-sacrifice seem just as +worthy of attention as "motor ideas," and "apperceptions." + +A British guest who hates everything Japanese says my enthusiasm "is +quite annoying, you know," but, dear me, I don't mind him. What could +you expect of a person who eats pie with a spoon? Why my enthusiasm is +just cutting its eye-teeth! The whole country is a-thrill, and even a +wooden Indian would get excited. + +Every afternoon we walk down on the sea wall and watch the +preparations going on for a long siege. Hundreds of big ships fill the +harbor to say nothing of the small ones, and there are thousands of +coolies working like mad. I could tell you many interesting things, +but I am afraid of the censor. If he deciphers all my letters home, +he will probably have nervous prostration by the time the war is over. + +Many of the war ships are coaled by women who carry heavy baskets on +each end of a pole swung across the shoulder, and invariably a baby on +their backs. It is something terrible the way the women work, often +pulling loads that would require a horse at home. They go plodding +past us on the road, dressed as men, mouth open, eyes straining, all +intelligence and interest gone from their faces. + +One day as Miss Lessing and I were resting by the roadside, one of +these women stopped for breath just in front of us. She was pushing a +heavy cart and her poor old body was trembling from the strain. Her +legs were bare, and her feet were cut by the stones. There was +absolute stolidity in her weather-beaten face, and the hands that +lighted her pipe were gnarled and black. Miss Lessing has a perfect +genius for getting at people, I think it is her good kind face through +which her soul shines. She asked the old woman if she was very +tired. The woman looked up, as if seeing us for the first time and +nodded her head. Then a queer look came into her face and she asked +Miss Lessing if we were the kind of people who had a new God. Miss +Lessing told her we were Christians. With a wistfulness that I have +never seen except in the eyes of a dog, she said, "If I paid your God +with offering and prayers, do you think he would make my work easier? +I am so tired!" Miss Lessing made her sit down by her on the grass, +and talked to her in Japanese about the new God who did not take any +pay for his help, and who could put something in her heart that would +give her strength to bear any burden. I could not understand much of +what they said but I had a little prayer-meeting all by myself. + + + + +HIROSHIMA, April, 1904. + + +Yesterday the American mail came after a three weeks' delay. None of +us were good for anything the rest of the day. Twenty letters and +fifty-two papers for me! Do you wonder that I almost danced a hole in +the parlor rug? + +The home news was all so bright and cheery, and your letter was such a +bunch of comfort that I felt like a two year old. It was exactly like +you to think out that little farm party and get Jack into it as a +matter of accommodation to you. I followed everything you did, with +the keenest interest, from the all-day tramps in the woods, to the +cozy evenings around the log fire. I can see old Jack now, at first +bored to death but resolved to die if need be on the altar of +friendship, gradually warming up as he always does out of doors, and +ending up by being the life of the party. He once told me that social +success is the infinite capacity for being bored. I know the little +outing did him a world of good, and you are all the trumps in the deck +as usual. + +Who is the Dr. Leet that was in the party? I remember dancing a +cotillon with a very good looking youth of that name in the +prehistoric ages. He was a senior at Yale, very rich and very good +looking. I wore his fraternity pin over my heart for a whole week +afterward. + +We have been having great fun over the American accounts of the war. +Through the newspapers we learn the most marvelous things about Japan +and her people. Large cities are unblushingly moved from the coast to +an island in the Inland Sea, troops are passported from places which +have no harbor, and the people are credited with unheard of customs. + +We are still in the midst of stirring times. The city is overflowing +with troops, and we are hemmed in on every side by soldiers. Of course +foreign women are very curious to them, and they often follow us and +make funny comments, but we have never yet had a single rudeness shown +us. In all the thousands of soldiers stationed here, I have only seen +two who were tipsy, and they were mildly hilarious from saki. There +is perfect order and discipline, and after nine o'clock at night the +streets are as quiet as a mountain village. + +The other night, five of the soldiers, mere boys, donned citizens' +dress and went out for a lark. At roll-call they were missing and a +guard was sent to search for them. When found, they resisted arrest +and three minutes after they all answered the roll-call in another +world. + +And yet although the discipline is so severe, the men seem a contented +and happy lot. They stroll along the roads when off duty hand in hand +like school girls, and laugh and chatter as if life were a big +holiday. But when the time comes to go to the front, they don their +gay little uniforms, and march just as joyfully away to give the last +drop of their blood for their Emperor. + +I tell you, Mate, I want to get out in the street and cheer every +regiment that passes! No drum, no fife, no inspiring music to stir +their blood and strengthen their courage, nothing but the unvarying +monotony of the four note trumpets. They don't need music to make them +go. They are perfect little machines whose motive power is a +patriotism so absolute, so complete, that it makes death on the +battle-field an honor worthy of deification. + +I look out into the play-ground, and every boy down to the smallest +baby in the kindergarten is armed with a bamboo gun. Such drilling and +marching, and attacking of forts you have never seen. That the enemy +is nothing more than sticks stuck at all angles matters little. An +enemy there must be, and the worst boy in Japan would die before he +would even _play_ at being a Russian! If Kuropatkin could see +just one of these awful onslaughts, he would run up the white flag and +hie himself to safety. So you see we are well guarded and with quiet +little soldiers on the outside, and very noisy and fierce little +soldiers on the inside, we fear no invasion of our peaceful compound. + +On my walks around the barracks, I often pass the cook house, and +watch the food being carried to the mess room. The rice buckets, about +the size of our water buckets, are put on a pole in groups of six or +eight and carried on the shoulders of two men. There is a line about a +square long of these buckets, and then another long line follows with +trays of soup bowls. Tea is not as a rule drunk with the meals, but +after the last grain of rice has been chased from the slippery sides +of the bowl, hot water is poured in and sipped with loud appreciation. +Last Sunday afternoon we had to entertain ten officers of high rank, +and it proved a regular lark. Their English and our Japanese got +fatally twisted. One man took great pride in showing me how much too +big his clothes were, giving him ample opportunity to put on several +suits of underwear in cold weather; he said "Many cloth dese trusers +hab, no fit like 'Merican." They were delighted with all our foreign +possessions, and inspected everything minutely. On leaving, one +officer bowed low, and assured me that he would never see me on earth +again, but he hoped he would see me in heaven _first_! + +The breezes from China waft an occasional despairing epistle from +Little Germany, but they find me as cold as a snow bank on the north +side of a mountain. The sun that melts my heart will have to rise in +the west, and get up early at that. + + + + +HIROSHIMA, May, 1904. + + +Well commencement is over and my first class is graduated. Now if you +have ever heard of anything more ridiculous than that please cable me! +If you could have seen me standing on the platform dealing out +diplomas, you would have been highly edified. + +Last night I gave the class a dinner. There were fourteen girls, only +two of whom had ever been at a foreign table before. At first they +were terribly embarrassed, but before long they warmed up to the +occasion and got terribly tickled over their awkwardness. I was +afraid they would knock their teeth out with the knives and forks, and +the feat of getting soup from the spoon to the mouth proved so +difficult that I let them drink it from the bowl. Sitting in chairs +was as hard for them as sitting on the floor for me, so between the +courses we had a kind of cake walk. + +Next week school begins again, and I start three new kindergartens, +making seven over which I have supervision. I am so pleased over the +progress of my work that I don't know what to do. Not that I don't +realize my limitations, heaven knows I do. Imagine my efforts at +teaching the training class psychology! The other day we were +struggling with the subject of reflex action, and one of the girls +handed in this definition as she had understood it from me! "Reflex +action is of a activity nervous. It is sometimes the don't understand +of what it is doing and stops many messages to the brain and sends the +motion to the legs." What little knowledge I start with gets +cross-eyed before I get through. + +The Japanese can twist the English language into some of the strangest +knots that you ever saw. There is a sign quite near here that reads +"Cows milk and Retailed." + +Since writing you last, I have sent my little sick girl home. It +almost broke us all up, but she couldn't stay here alone during the +summer and there was nobody to take care of her. I write to her every +week and try to keep her cheered up, but for such as she there is only +one release and that is death. + +If Jack's hospital ever materializes, I am going to offer my services +as a nurse. This poor child's plight has taken such a hold upon me +that I long to do something for all the sick waifs in creation. + + + + +HIROSHIMA, June, 1904. + + +It is Sunday afternoon, and your Foreign Missionary Kindergarten +Teacher, instead of trudging off to Sunday School with the other +teachers, is recklessly sitting in dressing gown and slippers with her +golden hair hanging down her hack, writing letters home. After +teaching all week, and listening for two hours to a Japanese sermon +Sunday morning, I cross my fingers on teaching Sunday School in the +afternoon. + +This past week I have been trying to practice the simple life. It was +a good time for we had spring cleaning, five guests, daily +prayer-meetings, two new cooks, and an earthquake. I think by the time +I get through, I'll be qualified to run a government on some small +Pacific Isle. + +The whole city is in confusion, ninety thousand soldiers are here now, +and eighty thousand more are expected this week. Every house-holder +must take as many as he can accommodate, and the strain on the people +is heavy. We heard yesterday of the terrible disaster to the troops +that left here on the 13th, three transports were sunk by the +Russians. Five hundred of the wounded from South Hill battle have been +brought here, and whenever I go out, I see long lines of stretchers +and covered ambulances bringing in more men. It is intolerable to be +near so much suffering and not to be able to relieve it. We are all so +worked up with pity and indignation, and sympathy that we hardly dare +talk about the war. + +Summer vacation will soon be here and I am planning a wild career of +self indulgence. I am going to Karuizawa, where I can get cooled off +and rested and invite my soul to my heart's content. + +For two mortal weeks the rain has poured in torrents. The rainy season +out here isn't any of your nice polite little shower-a-day affairs, it +is just one interminable downpour, until the old earth is spanked into +submission. I can't even remember how sunshine looks, and my spirits +are mildewed and my courage is mouldy. + +To add to the discomfort, we are besieged by mosquitoes. They are the +big ferocious kind that carry off a finger at a time. I heard of one +missionary down in the country, who was so bothered one night that he +hung his trousers to the ceiling, and put his head in one leg, and +made his wife put her head in the other, while the rest of the garment +served as a breathing tube! + +It has been nearly a year since I was out of Hiroshima, a year of such +ups and downs that I feel as if I had been digging out my salvation +with a pick-ax. + +Not that I do not enjoy the struggle; real life with all its knocks +and bumps, its joys and sorrows, is vastly preferable to a passive +existence of indolence. Only occasionally I look forward to the time +when I shall be an angel frivoling in the eternal blue! Just think of +being reduced to a nice little curly head and a pair of wings! That's +the kind of angel I am going to be. With no legs to ache, and no heart +to break--but dear me it is more than likely that I will get +rheumatism in my wings! + +If ever I do get to heaven, it will be on your ladder, Mate. You have +coaxed me up with confidence and praise, you have steadied me with +ethical culture books, and essays, and sermons. You have gotten me so +far up (for me), that I am afraid to look down. I shrink with a mighty +shrivel when I think of disappointing you in any way, and I expand +almost to bursting when I think of justifying your belief in me. + + + + +KARUIZAWA, July, 1904. + + +Here I am comfortably established in the most curious sort of +double-barreled house you ever saw. The front part is all Japanese and +faces on one street, and the back part is foreign and faces on another +street a square away. The two are connected by a covered walk which +passes over a mill race. In the floor of the walk just over the water +is a trap door, and look out when I will I can see the Japanese +stopping to take a bath in this little opening. + +I have a nice big room and so much service thrown in that it +embarrasses me. When I come in, in the evening, three little maids +escort me to my room, one fixes the mosquito bar, one gets my gown, +and one helps to undress me. When they have done all they can think +of, they get in a row, all bow together, then pitter patter away. + +The clerk has to make out the menus and as his English is limited, he +calls upon me very often to help him. Yesterday he came with only one +entry and that was "Corns on the ear." In return for my assistance he +always announces my bath, and escorts me to the bath room carrying my +sponge and towels. + +As to Karuizawa, it has a summer population of about four hundred, +three hundred and ninety-nine of whom are missionaries. Let us all +unite in singing "Blest be the tie that binds." + +Everybody at our table is in the mission field. A long-nosed young +preacher who sits opposite me looks as if he had spent all his life in +some kind of a field. He has a terrible attack of religion; I never +saw anybody take it any harder. He told me that he was engaged to be +married and for three days he had been consulting the Lord about what +kind of a ring he should buy! + +Sunday I went to church and heard my first English sermon in two +years. We met in a rough little shanty, built in a cluster of pines, +and almost every nation was represented. A young English clergyman +read the service, and afterward said a few words about sacrifice. He +was simple and sincere, and his deep voice trembled with earnestness +as he declared that sacrifice was the only true road to happiness, +sacrifice of ourselves, our wishes and desires, for the good and the +progress of others. And suddenly all the feeling in me got on a +rampage and I wanted to get up and say that it was true, that I knew +it was true, that the most miserable, pitiful, smashed-up life, could +blossom again if it would only blossom for others. I walked home in a +sort of ecstasy and at dinner the long-nosed young preacher said: "'T +was a pity we couldn't have regular preaching, there was such a peart +lot at meeting." This is certainly a good place to study people's +eccentricities, their foibles and follies, to hear them preach and see +them not practice! + +One more year and I will be home. Something almost stops in my heart +as I write it! Of course I am glad you are going abroad in the spring, +you have been living on the prospect of seeing Italy all your +life. Only, Mate, I am selfish enough to want you back by the time I +get home. It would take just one perfect hour of seeing you all +together once more to banish the loneliness of all these years! + +I am glad Jack and Dr. Leet have struck up such a friendship. Jack +uses about the same care in selecting a friend that most men do in +selecting a wife. Tell Dr. Leet that I am glad he found me in a pigeon +hole of his memory, but that I am a long way from being "the blue-eyed +bunch of mischief" he describes. I wish you would tell him that I am +slender, pale, and pensive with a glamour of romance and mystery +hovering about me; that is the way I would like to be. + +I knew you could get Jack out of his rut if you tried. The Browning +evenings must be highly diverting, I can imagine you reading a few +lines for him to expound, then him reading a few for you to explain, +then both gazing into space with "the infinite cry of finite hearts +that yearn!" + +Dear loyal old Jack! How memories stab me as I think of him. It seems +impossible to think of him as other than well and strong and self +reliant. What happy, happy days I have spent with him! They seem to +stand out to-night in one great white spot of cheerfulness. When the +days were the darkest and I couldn't see one inch ahead, Jack would +happen along with a funny story or a joke, would pretend not to see +what was going on, but do some little kindness that would brighten the +way a bit. What a mixture he is of tenderness, and brusqueness, of +common sense and poetry, of fun and seriousness! I think you and I are +the only ones in the world who quite understand his heights and +depths. He says even I don't. + + + + +KARUIZAWA, July, 1904. + + +Since writing you I have had the pleasure of looking six hundred feet +down the throat of Asamayama, the great volcano. If the old lady had +been impolite enough to stick out her tongue, I would at present be a +cinder. + +We started at seven in the evening on horseback. Now as you know I +have ridden pretty much everything from a broom stick to a camel, but +for absolute novelty of motion commend me to a Japanese horse. There +is a lurch to larboard, then a lurch to starboard, with a sort of +"shiver-my-timbers" interlude. A coolie walks at the head of each +horse, and reasons softly with him when he misbehaves. We rode for +thirteen miles to the foot of the volcano, then at one o'clock we left +the horses with one of the men and began to climb. Each climber was +tied to a coolie whose duty it was to pull, and to carry the +lantern. We made a weird procession, and the strange call of the +coolies as they bent their bodies to the task, mingled with the +laughter and exclamations of the party. + +For some miles the pine trees and undergrowth covered the mountain, +then came a stretch of utter barren-ness and isolation. Miles above +yet seemingly close enough to touch rose tongues of flame and crimson +smoke. Above was the majestic serenity of the summer night, below the +peaceful valley, with the twinkling lights of far away villages. It +was a queer sensation to be hanging thus between earth and sky, and to +feel that the only thing between me and death was a small Japanese +coolie, who was half dragging me up a mountain side that was so +straight it was sway-back! + +When at last we reached the top, daylight was showing faintly in the +east. Slowly and with a glory unspeakable the sun rose. The great +flames and crimson smoke, which at night had appeared so dazzling, +sank into insignificance. If anyone has the temerity to doubt the +existence of a gracious, mighty God, let him stand at sunrise on the +top of Asamayama and behold the wonder of His works! + +I hardly dared to breathe for fear I would dispel the illusion, but a +hearty lunch eaten with the edge of the crater for a table made things +seem pretty real. The coming down was fearful for the ashes were very +deep, and we often went in up to our knees. + +The next morning at eleven, I rolled into my bed more dead than +alive. My face and hands were blistered from the heat and the ashes, +and I was sore from head to foot, but I had a vision in, my soul that +can never be effaced. + + + + +HIROSHIMA, September, 1904. + + +Well here I am back in H. (I used to think it stood for that too but +it doesn't!) Curiously enough I rather enjoy getting back into harness +this year. Three kindergartens to attend in the morning, class work in +the afternoon, four separate accounts to be kept, besides +housekeeping, mothers' meetings, and prayer meetings, would have +appalled me once. + +The only thing that phases me is the company. If only some nice +accommodating cyclone would come along and gather up all the floating +population, and deposit it in a neat pile in some distant fence +corner, I would be everlastingly grateful. One loving brother wrote +last week that he was coming with a wife and three children to board +with us until his house was completed, and that he knew I would be +glad to have them. Delighted I am sure! All I need to complete my +checkered career is to keep a boarding-house! I smacked Susie Damn +clear down the steps and sang "A consecrated cross-eyed bear," then I +wrote him to come, It is against the principles of the school to +refuse anyone its hospitality, consequently everybody who is out of a +job comes to see us. + +The waves of my wrath break upon Miss Lessing for allowing herself to +be imposed upon, but she is as calm and serene as the Great Buddha of +Kamakura. + +My special grievance this morning is cooked tomatoes and baby organs. +Our cook has just discovered cooked tomatoes, and they seem to fill +some longfelt want in his soul. In spite of protest, he serves them to +us for breakfast, tiffin and dinner, and the household sits with +injured countenance, and silently holds me responsible. As for the +nine and one wind bags that begin their wheezing and squeaking before +breakfast, my thoughts are unfit for publication! This morning I was +awakened by the strains "Shall we meet beyond the River?" Well if we +do, the keys will fly that's all there is about it! Once in a while +they side-track it to "Oh! to be nothing, nothing!" That is where I +fully agree and if they would only give me a chance I would grant +their desire in less time than it takes to write it. I am sure my +Hades will be a hard seat in a lonesome corner where I must listen to +baby organs all day and live on a perpetual diet of cooked tomatoes. + +To-day they are bringing in the wounded soldiers from Liaoyang, and I +try to keep away from the windows so I will not see them. Those bright +strong boys that left here such a little while ago, are coming back on +stretchers, crippled and disfigured for life. + +Yesterday while taking a walk, I saw about two hundred men, right off +the transport, waiting for the doctors and nurses to come. Men whose +clothes had not been changed for weeks, ragged, bloody and soiled +beyond conception. Wounded, tired, sick, with almost every trace of +the human gone out of their faces, they sat or lay on the ground +waiting to be cared for. Most of the wounds had not been touched +since they were hastily tied up on the battlefield. I thought I had +some idea of what war meant, but I hadn't the faintest conception of +the real horror of it. + +Miss Lessing is trying to get permission for us to do regular visiting +at the hospitals, but the officials are very cautious about allowing +any foreigner behind the scenes. + +Just here I hung my head out of the window to ask the cook what time +it was. He called back, "Me no know! clock him gone to sleep. He no +talk some more." + +I think I shall follow the example of the clock. + + + + +HIROSHIMA, October, 1904. + + +Dearest Mate: + +I have been to the hospital at last and I can think of nothing, see +nothing, and talk of nothing but those poor battered up men. Yesterday +the authorities sent word that if the foreign teachers would come and +make a little music for the sick men it would be appreciated. We had +no musical instrument except the organ, so Miss Lessing and I bundled +one up on a jinrikisha and trudged along beside it through the +street. I got almost hysterical over our absurd appearance, and +pretended that Miss Lessing was the organ grinder, and I the +monkey. But oh! Mate when we got to the hospital all the silliness was +knocked out of me. Thousands of mutilated and dying men, literally +shot to pieces by the Russian bullets. I can't talk about it! It was +too horrible to describe. + +We wheeled the organ into one of the wards and two of the teachers +sang while I played. It was pitiful to see how eager the men were to +hear. The room was so big that those in the back begged to be moved +closer, so the little nurses carried the convalescent ones forward on +their backs. + +For one hour I pumped away on that wheezy little old instrument, with +the tears running down my cheeks most of the time. So long as I live +I'll never make fun of a baby organ again. The joy that one gave that +afternoon justified its being. + +And then--prepare for the worst,--we distributed tracts. Oh! yes I did +it too, in spite of all the fun I have made, and would you believe it? +those men who were able to walk, crowded around and _begged_ for +them, and the others in the beds held out their hands or followed us +wistfully with their eyes. They were so crazy for something to read +that they were even willing to read about the foreign God. + +It was late when we got back and I went straight to bed and indulged +in a chill. All the horror of war had come home to me for the first +time, and my very soul rebelled against it. They say you get hardened +to the sights after a few visits to the hospital, but I hope I shall +never get to the point of believing that it's right for strong useful +men to be killed or crippled for life in order to settle a +controversy. + +Before we went into the wards the physician in charge took us all over +the buildings, showed us where the old bandages were being washed and +cleaned, where the instruments were sharpened and repaired, where the +stretchers and crutches, and "first aid to the injured" satchels were +kept. We were taken through the postoffice, where all the mail comes +and goes from the front. It was touching to see the number of letters +that had been sent home unopened. + +Twenty thousand sick soldiers are cared for in Hiroshima, and such +system, such cleanliness and order you have never seen. I have wished +for Jack a thousand times; it would delight his soul to see the skill +and ability of these wonderful little doctors and nurses. + + + + +HIROSHIMA, November, 1904. + + +To-morrow it will be four weeks since I have had any kind of mail from +America. It seems to me that everything has stopped running across the +ocean, even the waves. + +I know little these days outside of the kindergarten and the +hospital. The former grows cuter and dearer all the time. It is a +constant inspiration to see the daily development of these cunning +babies. As for the visits to the hospital, they are a self-appointed +task that grows no easier through repetition. You know how I shrink +from seeing pain, and how all my life I have tried to get away from +the disagreeable? Well it is like torture to go day after day into +the midst of the most terrible suffering. But in view of the bigger +things of life, the tremendous struggle going on so near, the agony of +the sick and wounded, the suffering of the women and children, my own +little qualms get lost in the shuffle, and my one consuming desire is +to help in any way I can. + +Last week we took in addition to the "wind bag" two big baskets of +flowers to give to the sickest ones. Oh! If I could only make you know +what flowers mean to them! Men too sick to raise their heads and often +dying, will stretch out their hands for a flower, and be perfectly +content to hold it in their fingers. One soldier with both arms gone +asked me for a flower just as I had emptied my basket. I would have +given my month's salary for one rose, but all I had was a withered +little pansy. He motioned for me to give him that and asked me to put +it in a broken bottle hanging on the wall, so he could see it. + +If I didn't get away from it all once in a while, I don't believe I +could stand it. Yesterday was the Emperor's birthday and we had a +holiday. I took several of the girls and went for a long ramble in the +country. The fields were a brilliant yellow, rich and heavy with the +unharvested grain. The mountains were deeply purple, and the sky so +tenderly blue, that the whole world just seemed a place to be glad and +happy in. Fall in Japan does not suggest death and decay, but rather +the drifting into a beautiful rest, where dreams can be dreamed and +the world forgot. Such a spirit of peace enveloped the whole scene, +that it was hard to realize that the long line of black objects on the +distant road were stretchers bearing the sick and wounded from the +transports to the hospitals. + + + + +HIROSHIMA, December, 1904. + + +Last Saturday I had to go across the bay to visit one of our branch +kindergartens. Many Russian prisoners are stationed on the island and +I was tremendously interested in the good time they were having. The +Japanese officials are entertaining them violently with concerts, +picnics, etc. Imagine a lot of these big muscular men being sent on an +all-day excursion with two little Japanese guards. Of course, it is +practically impossible for the men to escape from the island but I +don't believe they want to. A cook has actually been brought from +Vladivostock so that they may have Russian food, and the best things +in the markets are sent to them. The prisoners I saw seemed in high +spirits, and were having as much fun as a lot of school boys out on a +lark. I don't wonder! It is lots more comfortable being a prisoner in +Japan than a soldier in Manchuria. + +I only had a few minutes to visit the hospital, but I was glad I +went. As the doctor took me through one of the wards where the sickest +men lay, I saw one big rough looking Russian with such a scowl on his +face that I hardly dared offer him my small posy. But I hated to pass +him by so I ventured to lay it on the foot of the cot. What was my +consternation when, after one glance, he clasped both hands over his +face and sobbed like a sick child. "Are you in pain?" asked the +doctor. "No," he said shortly, "I'm homesick." Oh! Mate, that +finished me! Didn't I know better than anybody in the world how he +felt? I just sat down on the side of the cot and patted him, and tried +to tell him how sorry I was though he could hardly understand a word. + +This morning I could have done a song and dance when I heard that he +had been operated on and was to be sent home. + +Almost every day we are having grand military funerals, and they are +most impressive I can tell you. Yesterday twenty-two officers were +buried at the same time, and the school stood on the street for over +an hour to do them honor. The procession was very interesting, with +the Buddhist priests, in their gorgeous robes, and the mourners in +white or light blue. First came the square box with the cremated +remains, then the officer's horse, then coolies carrying small trees +which were to be planted on the grave. Next came a large picture of +the deceased, and perhaps his coat or sword, next the shaven priests +in magnificent raiment and last the mourners carrying small trays with +rice cakes, to be placed upon the grave. The wives and mothers and +daughters rode in jinrikishas, hand folded meekly in hand, and eyes +downcast. Such calm resigned faces I have never seen, many white and +wasted with sorrow, but under absolute control. Of the entire number +only one gave vent to her grief; a bent old woman with thin grey hair +cut close to her head, rode with both hands over her face. She had +lost two sons in one battle, and the cry of her human heart was +stronger than any precept of her religion. + + + + +HIROSHIMA, December, 1904. + + +You remember the Irishman's saying that we could be pretty comfortable +in life if it wasn't for our pleasures? Well I could get along rather +well in Japan were it not for the Merry Christmases. Such a terrible +longing seizes me for my loved ones and for God's country that I feel +like a needle near a magnet. But next Christmas! I just go right up +in the air when I think about it. + +This school of life is a difficult one at best, but when a weak sister +like myself is put about three grades higher than she belongs, it is +more than hard. I don't care a rap for the struggle and the heart +aches, if I have only made good. When I came out there were two +kindergartens, now there are nine besides a big training +class. Anybody else could have done as much for the work but one thing +is certain, the work couldn't have done for anyone else what it has +done for me. Outwardly I am the same feather-weight as of old, but +there is a big change inside, Mate, you'll have to take my word for +it. I am coming to take the slaps of Fate very much as I used to take +the curling of my hair with a hot iron, it pulled and sometimes +burned, but I didn't care so long as it was going to improve my looks. +So now I use my crosses as sort of curling irons for my character. + +Your sudden decision to give up your trip to Europe this spring set me +guessing! I can't imagine, after all your planning and your dreams, +what could have changed your mind so completely. You don't seem to +care a rap about going. Now look here, Mate, I want a full report. You +have turned all the pockets of my confidence inside out. What about +yours? Have you been getting an "aim" in life, are you going to be an +operatic singer, or a temperance lecturer, or anything like that? You +are so horribly high minded that I am prepared for the worst. + +I wish it would stop raining. The mountains are hid by a heavy gray +mist, and the drip, drip of the rain from roof and trees is not a +cheering sound. I am doing my best to keep things bright within, I +have built a big fire in my grate, and in my heart I have lighted all +the lamps at my little shrines, and I am burning incense to the loves +that were and are. + +Just after tiffin the rain stopped for a little while and I rushed out +for a walk. I had been reading the "Christmas Carol" all morning, and +it brought so many memories of home that I was feeling rather +wobbly. My walk set me up immensely. A baldheaded, toothless old man +stopped me and asked me where I was "coming." When I told him he said +that was wonderful and he hoped I would have a good time. A woman with +a child on her back ran out and stopped me to ask if I would please +let the baby see my hair. Half a dozen children and two dogs followed +me all the way, and an old man and woman leaned against a wall and +laughed aloud because a foreigner was so funny to look at. + +If anyone thinks that he can indulge in a nice private case of the +blues while taking a walk in Japan, he deceives himself. I started out +feeling like Napoleon at St. Helena, and I came home cheerful and +ravenously hungry. + +I have been trying to read poetry this winter, but I don't make much +progress. The truth is I have gained five pounds, and I am afraid I am +getting too fat. I never knew but one fat person to appreciate poetry +and he crocheted tidies. + +By the way I have learned to knit!! You see there are so many times +when I have to play the gracious hostess when I feel like a volcano +within, that I decided to get something on which I could vent my +restlessness. It is astonishing how much bad temper one can knit into +a garment. I don't know yet what mine is going to be, probably an +opera bonnet for Susie Damn. + + + + +KYOTO, December, 1904. + + +You are not any more surprised to hear from me in Kyoto than I am to +be here. One of the teachers here, a great big-hearted splendid woman, +knowing that I was interested in the sick soldiers, asked me to come +up for a week and help the Red Cross nurses. For six days we have met +all the trains, and given hot tea, and books to both the men who were +going to the front and to those who were being brought home. We work +side by side with Buddhist priests, ladies of rank, and coolies, +serving from one to four hundred men in fifteen minutes! You never saw +such a scrimmage, everybody works like mad while the train stops, and +the wild "Banzais" that greet us as the men catch sight of the hot +tea, show us how welcome it is. + +But the sights, Mate dear, are enough to break one's heart. I have +seen good-byes, and partings until I haven't an emotion left! One man +I talked with was going back for the fourth time having been wounded +and sent home again and again; his wife never took her eyes from his +face until the train pulled out, and the smile with which she sent him +away was more heart rending than any tears I ever saw. + +Then I have been touched by an old man and his wife who for four days +have met every train to tell their only son good-bye. They are so +feeble that they have to be helped up and down the steps and as each +train comes and goes and their boy is not on board, they totter hand +in hand back to the street corner to wait more long hours. + +Going one way the trains carry the soldiers to the front, boys for the +most part wild with enthusiasm, high spirits, and courage, and coming +the other way in vastly greater numbers are the silent trains bearing +the sick and wounded and dead. + +We meet five trains during the day and one at two in the night. I have +gotten so that I can sleep sitting upright on a hard bench between +trains. Think of the plucky little Japanese women who have done this +ever since the beginning of the war! + +Out of my experience at the station came another very charming one +yesterday. It seems that the president of the Red Cross Society is a +royal princess, first cousin indeed to the Emperor. She had heard of +me through her secretary and of the small services I had rendered here +and at Hiroshima, so she requested an interview that she might thank +me in person. + +It seemed very ridiculous that I should receive formal recognition for +pouring tea and handing out posies, but I was crazy to see the +Princess, so early yesterday morning, I donned my best raiment and +sallied forth with an interpreter. + +The house was a regular Chinese puzzle and I was passed on from one +person to another until I got positively dizzy. At last we came to a +long beautiful room, at the end of which, in a robe of purple and +gold, all covered with white chrysanthemums, sat the royal lady. I was +preparing to make my lowest bow, when, to my astonishment, she came +forward with extended hand and spoke to me in English! Then she +bowled me right over in the first round by asking me about +Kindergarten. I forgot that she was a lady of royalty and numerous +decorations, and that etiquette forbade me speaking except when spoken +to. She was so responsive and so interested, that I found myself +talking in a blue streak. Then she told me a bit of her story, and I +longed to hear more. It seems that certain women of the royal line are +not permitted to marry, and she, being restless and ambitious, became +a Buddhist Priestess, having her own temple, priestesses, etc. The +priestesses are all young girls, and I wish you could have seen them +examining my clothes, my hair and my rings. The Princess herself is a +woman of brilliant attainments, and fine executive ability. + +Of course we had tea, and sat on the floor and chattered and laughed +like a lot of school girls. When I left I was told that the Princess +desired my photograph at once, and that I should sit for it the next +day. I suppose I am in for it. + + + + +HIROSHIMA, December, 1904. + + +My dearest Mate: + +The American mail is in and the secret is out, or at least half-way +out and I am wild with curiosity and interest. You say you can't give +me any of the particulars and you would rather I wouldn't even +guess. All that you want me to know is that you have "a new interest +in life that is the deepest and most beautiful experience you have +ever known." I will do as you request, not ask any questions, or make +any surmises but you will let me say this, that no fame, no glory, no +wealth can ever give one thousandth part of the real heart's content +that one hour of love can give. Without it work of any kind is against +the full tide, and accomplishment is emptier than vanity. The heart +still cries out for its own, for what is its birthright and heritage. + +I am glad with all my soul for your happiness, Mate, the tenderest +blessing that lips could frame would not express half that is in my +heart. There is nothing so sure in life as that love is best of +all. You think you know it after a few weeks of loving, I know I know +after years of grief and suffering and despair. + +From the time when you used to stand between me and childish +punishments, through all the happy days of girlhood, the sorrowful +days of womanhood, on up to the bitter-sweet present, you have never +failed me. + +I want to give you a whole heart full of gladness and rejoicing, I +want to crowd out my own little wail of bereavement, but Oh! Mate, I +never felt so alone in my life before! I am not asking you to tell me +who the man is. I am trying not to _guess_. Tell me what you +like and when you like, and rest assured that whatever comes, my heart +is with you--and with him. + + + + +HIROSHIMA, January, 1905. + + +It has been longer than usual since I wrote but somehow things have +been going wrong with me of late and I didn't want to bother you. But +oh! Mate, I haven't anybody else in the world to come to, and you'll +have to forgive me for bringing a cloud across your happiness. + +The whole truth is I'm worsted! The fight has been too much. Days, +weeks, months of homesickness have piled up on top of me until all my +courage and my control, all my _will_ seem paralysed. + +Night after night I lie awake and stare out into the dark, and staring +back at me is the one word "_alone_". In the daytime, I try to +keep somebody with me all the time, I have gotten afraid of myself. My +face in the mirror does not seem to belong to me, it is a curious +unfamiliar face that I do not know. Every once in a while I want to +beat the air and scream, but I don't do it. I clench my fists and set +my teeth and teach, teach, teach. + +But I can't go on like this forever! Flesh and spirit rebel against a +lifetime of it! Haven't I paid my penalty? Aren't the lightness and +brightness and beauty ever coming back? + +On my desk is a contract waiting to be signed for another four years +at the school. Beside it is a letter from Brother, begging me to drop +everything and come home at once. Can you guess what the temptation +is? On the one hand ceaseless work, uncongenial surroundings and +exile, on the other luxury, loved ones,--and dependence. I must give +my answer to-morrow and Heaven only knows what it will be. One thing +is certain I am tired of doing hard things, I am tired of being brave. + +It is storming fearfully but I am going out to mail this letter. If I +cable that I am coming you must be the first one to know why. I have +tried to grow into something higher and better, God knows I have, but +I am afraid I am a house built on the sands after all. Don't be hard +on me, Mate, whatever comes remember I have tried. + + + + +HIROSHIMA, 3 hours later. + + +If you open this letter first, don't read the one that comes in the +same mail. I wrote it this afternoon, and I would give everything I +possess to get it back again. When I went out to mail it, I was +feeling so utterly desperate that I didn't care a rap for the storm or +anything else. I went on and on until I came to the sea-wall that +makes a big curve out into the sea. When I had gone as far as I +dared, I climbed up on an old stone lantern, and let the spray and the +rain beat on my face. The wind was whipping the waves into a perfect +fury, and pounding them against the wall at my feet. The thunder +rolled and roared, and great flashes of lightning ripped gashes in the +green and purple water. It was the most glorious sight I ever saw! I +felt that the wind, the waves, and the storm were all my friends and +that they were doing all my beating and screaming for me. + +I clung to the lantern, with my clothes dripping and my hair streaming +about my face until the storm was over. And I don't think I was ever +so near to God in my life as when the sun came out suddenly from the +clouds and lit up that tempest-tossed sea into a perfect glory of +light and color I And the peace had come into my heart, Mate, and I +knew that I was going to take up my cross again and bear it bravely. I +was so glad, so thankful that I could scarcely keep my feet on the +ground. I struck out at full speed along the sea wall and ran every +step of the way home. + +And now after a hot bath and dry clothes, with my little kettle +singing by my side, I want to tell you that I have decided to stay, +perhaps for five months, perhaps for five years. + +Out of the wreckage of my old life I've managed to build a fairly +respectable craft. It has taken me just four years to realize that it +is not a pleasure boat. To-night I realize once for all that it is a +very modest little tug, and wherever it can tow anything or anybody +into harbor there it belongs, and there it stays. + +Tell them all that I am quite well again, Mate, and as for you, please +don't even bother your blessed head about me again. I have meekly +taken my place in the middle of the sea-saw and I shall probably never +go very high or very low again. I am sleepy for the first time in two +weeks, so good-bye comrade mine and God bless you. + + + + +HIROSHIMA, February, 1905. + + +My dearest Mate: + +I can't feel quite right until I tell you that I have guessed your +secret, that I have known from the first it was Jack. I always knew +you were made for each other, both so splendid and noble and true. It +isn't any particular credit to you two that you are good, there was no +alternative--you couldn't be bad. + +How perfectly you will fit into all his plans and ambitions! A +beautiful new life is opening up for you, a life so full of promise, +of tremendous possibilities for good not only for you but for others +that it seems like a bit of heaven. + +Tell him how I feel, Mate. It is hard for me to write letters these +days, but I want him to know that I am glad because he is happy. + +I have been living in the past to-day going over the old days in the +Mountains up at the lake, and the reunions on the farm. How many have +gone down into the great silence since then! Somehow I seem nearer to +them than I do to you who are alive. While I am still on the crowded +highway of life, yet I am surrounded by strange, unloving faces that +have no connection with the joys or the sorrows of the past. + +How the view changes as we pass along the great road. At first only +the hilltops are visible, rosy and radiant under the enthusiasm of +youth, then the level plains come into sight flooded with the bright +light of mid-day, then slowly we slip into the valleys where the long +shadows fall like memories across our hearts. + +Oh! well, with all the struggles, all the heartaches, I am glad, Mate, +very glad that I have lived--and laughed. For I am laughing again, in +spite of the fact that my courage got fuddled and took the wrong road. + +I heard of a man the other day who had received a sentence of fifteen +years for some criminal act. He was in love with the freedom of life, +he was young and strong, so he made a dash down a long iron staircase, +dropped into a river, swam a mile and gained his freedom. All search +failed to find him, but two days later he walked into the police +station and gave himself up to serve his time. I made my dash for +liberty, but I have come back to serve my time. + +I don't have to tell you, Mate, that I am ashamed of having shown the +white feather. You will write me a beautiful letter and explain it all +away, but I know in my soul you are disappointed in me, and to even +think about it is like going down in a swift elevator. Being able to +go under gracefully is my highest ambition at present, but try as I +will, I kick a few kicks before I disappear. + +Please, please, Mate, don't worry about me. I promise that if I reach +the real limit I will cable for a special steamer to be sent for +me. But I don't intend to reach it, or at least I am going to get on +the other side of it, so there will be no further danger. + +Two long months will pass before I get an answer to this. It will come +in April with the cherry blossoms and the spring. + + + + +HIROSHIMA, March, 1905. + + +You must forgive me if the letters have been few and far between +lately. After my little "wobble" I plunged into work with might and +main, and I am still at it for all I am worth. First I house-cleaned, +and the old place must certainly be surprised at its transformation. +Fresh curtains, new paper, cozy window seats, and bright cushions have +made a vast difference. Then I tackled the kindergarten, and the +result is about the prettiest thing in Japan. The room is painted +white with buff walls and soft muslin curtains, the only decoration +being a hundred blessed babies, in gay little kimonas, who look like +big bunches of flowers placed in a wreath upon the floor. + +As for my training class, I have no words to express my +gratification. I can scarcely believe that the fine, capable, earnest +young women that are going out to all parts of Japan to start new +Kindergartens, are the timid, giggling, dependent little creatures +that came to me four years ago. + +Goodness knows I was as immature in my way as they were in theirs, but +in my desperate need, I builded better than I knew. I recklessly +followed your advice and hitched my little go-cart to a star, and the +star turned into a meteor and is now whizzing through space getting +bigger and stronger all the time, and I am tied on to the end of it +unable to stop it or myself. + +If I only had more sense and more ability, think what I might have +done! + +The work at the hospital is still very heavy. The wards are bare and +repellant and the days are long and dreary for the sick men. We do all +we can to cheer them up, have phonograph concerts, magic lantern +shows, with the magic missing, and baby organ recitals. The results +are often ludicrous, but the appreciation of the men for our slightest +effort is so hearty that it more than repays us. + +I saw one man yesterday who had gone crazy on the battlefield. He +looked like a terror stricken animal afraid of everybody, and hiding +under the sheet at the slightest approach. When I came in he cowered +back against the wall shaking from head to foot. I put a big bunch of +flowers on the bed, and in a flash his hands were stretched out for +them, and a smile came to his lips. After that whenever I passed the +door, he would shout out, "Arigato! Arigato!" which the nurse said was +the first sign of sanity he had shown. + +In the next room was a man who had fallen from a mast on one of the +flag ships. He had landed full on his face and the result was too +fearful to describe. The nurse said he could not live through the +night so I laid my flowers on his bed and was slipping out when he +called to me. His whole head was covered with bandages except his +mouth and one eye, and I had to lean down very close to understand +what he said. What do you suppose he wanted? To look at my hat!! He +had never seen one before and he was just like a child in his +curiosity. + +Of course, as foreigners, we always excite comment, and are gazed at, +examined and talked about continually. I sometimes feel like a wild +animal in a cage straight from the heart of Africa! + +Our unfailing point of contact is the flowers. You cannot imagine how +they love them. I have seen men holding them tenderly in their fingers +and talking to them as they would to children. Imagine retreating +soldiers after a hard day's fight, stopping to put a flower in a dead +comrade's hand! + +Oh! Mate, the most comical things and the most tragic, the most +horrible and the most beautiful are all mixed up together. Every time +I go to the hospital I am faced with my wasted years of +opportunities. It takes so little to bring sunshine and cheer, and yet +millions of us go chasing our own little desires through life, and +never stop to think of the ones who are down. + +No, I am not going to turn Missionary nor Salvation Army lassie, but +with God's help I shall serve somewhere and "good cheer for the +lonely" shall be my watch-word. + +I am lots better than I was, though I am still tussling with +insomnia. My crazy nerves play me all sorts of tricks, but praise be I +have stopped worrying. I have come at last to see that God has found +even a small broken instrument like myself worth working through, and +I just lift up my heart to Him every day, battered and bruised as it +is, in deep unspeakable thankfulness. + + + + +HIROSHIMA, April, 1905. + + +My dearest Mate: + +Your letter is here and I haven't a grain of sense, nor dignity, nor +anything else except a wild desire to hug everything in sight! I am +having as many thrills as a surcharged electric battery, and I am so +hysterically happy that I don't care what I do or say. + +Why didn't you tell me at first it was Dr. Leet? My mind was so full +of Jack that I forgot that other men inhabited the earth. It is no use +bluffing any longer, Mate, there has never been a minute since the +train pulled out of the home station that every instinct in me hasn't +cried out for Jack. Pride kept me silent at first, and then the +miserable thought got hold of me that he was beginning to care for +you. Oh! the agony I have suffered, trying to be loyal to you, to be +generous to him, and to put myself out of the question! And now your +blessed letter comes, and laughs at my fears and says "Jack chooses +his wife as he does his friends, for eternity." + +I have no words to fit the occasion, all I can say is now that +happiness has shown me the back of her head I am scared to death to +look her in the face. But I "shore do" like the arrangement of her +back hair. + +Don't breathe a word of what I have written, but as you love me find +out absolutely and beyond all possibility of doubt if Jack feels +exactly as he did four years ago. If you give me your word of honor +that he does, then--I will write. + +I have signed a contract for another year, and I must stay it out, but +I would spend a year in Hades if Heaven was at the end of it. + +All you say about Dr. Leet fills me with joy. He does not need any +higher commendation in this world nor the next than that you are +willing to marry him! Isn't it dandy that he is going to back the +hospital scheme? + +When I think of the way Jack has worked for ten years without a +vacation, putting all his magnificent ability, his strength, his +youth, his health even into that project, I don't wonder that men like +Dr. Leet are eager to put their money and services at his disposal. +You say Dr. Leet does it upon the condition that Jack takes a rest. +Make him stick to it, Mate, he will kill himself if he isn't stopped. + +I have read your letters over and over and traced your love affair +every inch of the way. Why are you such an old clam! To think that I +am the only one that knows your secret, and that up to to-day I have +been barking up the wrong tree! Never mind, I forgive you, I forgive +everybody, I am drunk with happiness and generous in consequence. + +My little old lane is glorified, even the barbed wire fence on either +side scintillates. The house is too small, I am going out on the River +Road, and see the cherry blossoms on the hill sides and the sunlight +on the water, and feel the road under my feet. I feel like a +prospector who has struck gold. Whatever comes of it all, for this one +day I am going to give full rein to my fancy and be gloriously happy +once more. + + + + +HIROSHIMA, May, 1905. + + +There is a big yellow bee, doing the buzzing act in the sunshine on my +window, and I am just wondering who is doing the most buzzing, he or +I? His nose is yellow with pollen from some flower he has robbed, his +body is fat and lazy, all in all he is about the happiest bee I ever +beheld. But I can go him one better, while it is only his wings that +are beating with happiness, it is my heart that is going to the tune +of rag-time jigs and triumphal alleluias all at the same time. + +My chef, four feet two, remarked this morning "Sensei happy all same +like chicken!" He meant bird, but any old fowl will do. + +Oh! Mate, it is good to be alive these days. For weeks we have had +nothing but glorious sunrises, gorgeous sunsets, and perfect +noondays. The wistaria has come before the cherry blossoms have quite +gone, and the earth is a glow of purple and pink with the blue sky +above as tender as love. + +Each morning I open my windows to the east to see the marvel of a new +day coming fresh from the hands of its Maker, and each evening I stand +at the opposite window and watch the same day drop over the mountains +to eternity. In the flaming sky where so often hangs the silver +crescent is always the promise of another day, another chance to begin +anew. + +Just one more year and I will be turning the gladdest face homeward +that ever a lonely pilgrim faced the West with. There will be many a +pang at leaving Japan, I have learned life's deepest lesson here, and +the loneliness and isolation that have been so hard to bear have +revealed inner depths of which I never dreamed before. What strange +things human beings are! Our very crosses get dear after we have +carried them awhile! + +I have had three offers to sign fresh contracts, Nagasaki, Tokyo, and +here, but I am leaving things to shape themselves for the +future. Whatever happens I am coming home first. If happiness is +waiting for me, I'll meet it with out-stretched arms, if not I am +coming back to my post. Thank God I am sure of myself at last! + +The work at the hospital this month is much lighter, and the patients +are leaving for home daily. The talk of peace is in the air, and we +are praying with all our hearts that it may come. Nobody but those who +have seen with their own eyes can know the unspeakable horrors of this +war. It is not only those who are fighting at the front who have known +the full tragedy, it is those also who are fighting at home the +relentless foe of poverty, sickness, and desolation. If victory comes +to Japan, half the glory must be for those silent heroic little women, +who gave their all, then took up the man's burden and cheerfully bore +it to the end. + +I was very much interested in your account of the young missionary who +is coming through Japan on her way to China. I know just how she will +feel when she steps off the steamer and finds no friendly face to +welcome her. I talked over your little scheme with Miss Lessing and +she says I can go up to Yokohama in July to meet her and bring her +right down here. Tell her to tie her handkerchief around her arm so I +will know her, and not to worry the least bit, that I will take care +of her and treat her like one of my own family. + +Can you guess how eagerly I am waiting for your answer to my April +letter? It cannot come before the last of June, and happy as I am, the +time seems very long. Yet I would rather live to the last of my days +like this, travelling ever toward the pot of gold at the end of the +rainbow, than ever to arrive and find the gold not there! + +You say that at last you know I am the "captain of my soul." Well, +Mate, I believe I am, but I just want to say that it's a hard worked +captain that I am, and if anybody wants the job--very much--I think he +can get it. + + + + +YOKOHAMA, July 5, 1905. + + +Do you suppose, if people could, they would write letters as soon as +they got to Heaven! I don't know where to begin nor what to say. The +only thing about me that is on earth is this pen point, the rest is +floating around in a diamond-studded, rose-colored mist! + +I will try to be sensible and give you some idea of what has been +happening, but how I am to get it on paper I don't know. I got here +yesterday, the 4th of July, on the early train, and rushed down to the +hatoba to meet the launch when it came in from the steamer. I had had +no breakfast and was as nervous as a witch. Your letter had not come, +and my fears were increasing every moment. + +Well I took my place on the steps as the launch landed and waited, +with very little interest I must confess, for your young missionary to +appear. By and by I saw a handkerchief tied to a sleeve, but it was a +man's sleeve. I gave one more look, and my heart seemed to +stop. "Jack!" I cried, and then everything went black before me, and I +didn't know anything more. It was the first time I ever fainted; +sorrow and grief never knocked me out, but joy like that was enough to +kill me! + +When I came to, I was at the hotel and I didn't dare open my eyes--I +knew it was all a dream, and I did not want to come back to reality. I +lay there holding on to the vision, until I heard a man's voice close +by say, "She will be all right now, I will take care of her." Then I +opened my eyes, and with three Japanese maids and four Japanese men +and two ladies off the steamer looking on, I flung my arms about +Jack's neck and cried down his collar! + +He made me stay quiet all morning, and just before tiffin he calmly +informed me that he had made all the arrangements for us to be married +at three o'clock. I declared I couldn't, that I had signed a contract +for another year at Hiroshima, that Miss Lessing would think I was +crazy, that I must make some plans. But you know Jack! He met every +objection that I could offer, said he would see Miss Lessing and make +it all right about the contract, that I was too nervous to teach any +more, and last that I owed him a little consideration after four years +of waiting. Then I realized how the lines had deepened in his face, +and how the grey was streaking his hair, and I surrendered promptly. + +We were married in a little English church on the Bluff, with half a +dozen witnesses. Several Americans whom Jack had met on the steamer, a +missionary friend of mine, and the Japanese clerk constituted the +audience. + +It is all like a beautiful dream to me still, and I am afraid to let +Jack get out of my sight for fear I will wake up. It was Fourth of +July, and Christmas, and birthday, and wedding day all rolled into +one. The whole city was celebrating, the hotel a flutter of flags and +ribbons, the bay full of every kind of pleasure craft. At night there +was a grand lantern fete and fireworks, and a huge figure of Uncle Sam +with stars in his coat tails. Thousands of Japanese in their gayest +kimonas thronged the Bund, listening to the music, watching the +foreigners and the fire-works. + +Jack and I were like two children, he forgot that he was a staid +doctor, and I forgot that I had ever been a Foreign Missionary +Kindergarten teacher. We were boy and girl again and up to our eyes in +love. It was the first Fourth of July for fifteen years that I did not +have some unhappiness to conceal. As one of my girls said about +herself: "My little lonely heart had flewed away!" + +All the loneliness, the heartaches, the pains are justified now. I do +not regret the past for through it the present is. + +Do you remember the lines: "He shall restore the years that the locust +hath eaten?" Well I believe that while I have been struggling out +here, He has restored them, and that I will be permitted to return to +a new life, a life given back by God. + +Of course you know we are going on around. It seems rather +inconsistent to say I am glad of it after all my wailing for home. The +truth is, home has come to _me_! + +Jack says we are to meet you and Dr. Leet in Paris. You needn't try to +persuade me that Heaven will be any better than the present! + +There is no use in my trying to thank you for your part in all this, +dear Mate. I have been in a chronic state of gratitude to you ever +since I was born! I can only say with all my heart and soul "God bless +you and Good-bye." + +P.S. In my wedding ring is engraved M.L.O.T.D. Can you guess what it +means? + + + + + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's Lady of the Decoration, by Frances Little + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK LADY OF THE DECORATION *** + +***** This file should be named 7523.txt or 7523.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/7/5/2/7523/ + +Produced by An Anonymous Project Gutenberg Volunteer + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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