path: root/74708-0.txt

*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 74708 ***






[Illustration: GOETHE]




                                  GERMAN
                              WIT AND HUMOR

                              [Illustration]

                    _A COLLECTION FROM FAMOUS SOURCES
                             CLASSIFIED UNDER
                      APPROPRIATE SUBJECT HEADINGS_

                              [Illustration]

                               PHILADELPHIA
                          GEORGE W. JACOBS & CO
                                PUBLISHERS

                           Copyright, 1903, by
                        GEORGE W. JACOBS & COMPANY
                        _Published, August, 1903_




_Contents_


  CHAP.                                                               PAGE

     I. HUMOR OF THE SIXTEENTH CENTURY                                   5

    II. HUMOR OF THE SEVENTEENTH CENTURY                                10

   III. FOR GUNNERS                                                     22

    IV. FOR DOCTORS                                                     37

     V. FOR LAWYERS                                                     57

    VI. A CHAPTER FOR COMPOSERS AND MUSIC LOVERS                        74

   VII. FOR AND ABOUT TRAVELERS, TOURISTS, AND SUMMER BOARDERS         102

  VIII. ON CYCLING                                                     117

    IX. AUTHORS, SCIENTISTS, ARTISTS, AND OTHER CELEBRITIES            120

     X. ON THE STAGE AND OFF                                           154

    XI. THE GERMAN SOLDIER                                             162

   XII. CROWNED HEADS AND SOME OF THEIR FAMOUS STATESMEN AND GENERALS  180

  XIII. STUDENTS IN THE FATHERLAND                                     234

   XIV. WOMEN AND CHILDREN                                             246

    XV. MISCELLANEOUS                                                  269




German Wit and Humor




CHAPTER I

_Humor of the Sixteenth Century_


The Fool’s Lesson

When Eulenspiegel came to Magdeburg—the fame of his notorious pranks
having preceded him—several of the best citizens asked him to give
them a sample of his buffoonery. He said he would do so, and promised
to fly from the roof of a house on the market place. The news spread
rapidly, and old and young hurried there to see him fly. For some time
Eulenspiegel stood on the low roof, moving his arms and acting as if he
were going to fly, then he burst out laughing and cried: “I thought I was
the only fool in the world, but I see that here are almost a whole city
full of them. If you had told me that you were going to fly, I should not
have believed you; and yet you believed me, a well-known fool. How should
I be able to fly? I am neither a goose nor any other kind of a bird. I
have no wings, and without wings and feathers nobody can fly. Now you
see, I told you a falsehood.”

He turned and left the roof, while the crowd separated, some laughing,
some swearing, but all agreeing, that though he was a fool, he had told
them the truth.


The Wisdom of a Fool

“A fool may sometimes be a better judge than a wise man,” writes Johannes
Andrea of a fool. Once a beggar entered the kitchen of a tavern. A large
piece of meat was roasting on the spit, and the poor man took his bread
from his pocket and held it over the roast, so the odor would penetrate
it, then he ate it. When all his bread was gone he turned to leave, but
the host went after him and demanded his pay. The poor man said, “You did
not give me either meat or drink; so what should I pay you for?”

The host replied, “You feasted on what was mine, on the odor of the
roast, and you shall pay me for that.”

They went to court about it, but judgment was suspended, until next
court-day. Now one of the judges had a fool at home, and at dinner this
case was talked about. Said the fool: “Pay the host with the jingle of
the money, as the poor man feasted on the odor of the roast.”

When court-day came around the fool’s advice was followed.


A Good Shot

A man passing through a forest, saw an old blind bear. A young bear,
whose tail was in the old bear’s mouth, led him. The man took his gun and
shot the young bear’s tail off. Then he took hold of it and led the blind
bear for two miles to market at Stuttgart.


The One-legged Crane

A knight invited his father-confessor to dinner. The holy father arrived
while the knight was still at church, and being hungry went to the
kitchen where all kinds of meat were roasting. He said to the cook: “The
roasts are now at their best; give me a leg from this crane and then I’ll
wait for dinner.” But the cook replied: “I cannot do that; my master
would send me away if I brought the bird, mutilated like that, to the
table. Take it yourself, then he cannot blame me.”

The confessor took a knife and cut the leg off, had the cook give him
bread and wine, and sat down to enjoy it. At dinner the crane was served
lying on his wounded side. The knight asked at once in an angry tone:
“Where is the other leg?” His confessor, who sat next to him, whispered
to him to keep quiet before his guests, that after dinner he would prove
to him that the bird had only had one leg.

As soon as dinner was over, the knight asked his confessor to take a walk
with him. They went outside the town. On the way the knight said: “You
insisted that the bird had only one leg; how is that?” “I will show you,”
returned the confessor, and took him to a meadow where between thirty and
forty cranes were standing, all, as usual, on one leg. Pointing to them
he said: “Look, all those birds have only one leg.” The knight clapped
his hands and chased them. The cranes grew frightened, stretched their
necks, put down their feet, and ran. Said the knight to the confessor:
“How now? You see that they have two legs?” Says the confessor: “Dear
sir, if you had clapped your hands like this at the table, the other leg
would have put in an appearance too.”


Justice Obscured by a Pig

There was a poor widow, who had a case at court. She brought to the judge
a little pot of sour cream; he was to protect her cause. He bade her hope
for the best and said that she had a good case, and need not worry. She
was glad.

Then came the opponent. He was rich, and brought the judge a young pig.
When the case came up, the woman lost her suit. She went to the judge and
said: “Sir, where is my little pot of cream?” He answered: “The little
pig knocked it over.”




CHAPTER II

_Humor of the Seventeenth Century_


The Farmer’s Belief

A farmer went to confession and the priest asked him if he knew anything
about the Trinity. The good man knew nothing about it. The priest did
his best to explain it to him and at last said: “My good friend, to make
it still plainer to you, imagine yourself God the Father, respect your
son as if he were the Son of God, and take your wife to be the Holy
Ghost. Now remember, you three are as one. You are one household and live
together; that makes a trinity.” With this the good man went home.

A year later, he came again to confess. The priest asked him at once
whether he believed now in a trinity. “No,” said the farmer, “I only
believe in the first two, the Father and the Son, in those two I believe
firmly. In the Holy Ghost I don’t believe at all; for everything that the
Father and the Son gain by hard, heavy labor, the Holy Ghost squanders
and spends.” The priest had to give up trying to enlighten the good
farmer. He absolved him and let him depart.


The Monk’s Trick

A nobleman was walking across the country with a barefooted monk. They
came to a brook and found the bridge had disappeared. The nobleman asked
the monk, as he was without shoes, to carry him across. The monk did so,
but when they were in the middle of the brook he asked the nobleman if he
had any money with him. He answered: “Yes.”—“Oh,” said the monk, “we are
forbidden to carry money,” and dropped the nobleman into the brook.


A Brief Sermon

A priest who had not studied much, came into the pulpit and said: “I will
briefly speak of three things to-day. The first I know, and you do not.
The second you know, and I do not. The third none of us knows. That my
trousers are torn, I know. Whether you are going to give me a new pair,
you know. Our sexton had a fresh barrel of beer put in; but whether that
beer is good, none of us knows; so come along and let us taste it.”


A Bright Reply

Three young noblemen were riding by a field in which a farmer was working
among his cabbages. They rode up to him, and one said: “My good man, what
will you give us, if we prove to you that you are a cabbage?” The farmer
answered: “Nothing, for I can do those tricks as well as you. Now I can
prove to you, that your saddles are mules.” At this the young sparks
shouted with laughter and said: “Well, tell us all about it.” The farmer
answered: “Why, all my life, I have known that anything between a horse
and an ass has been called a mule.”


A Large Recipe

A good but stupid countryman stopped with his farm wagon before a
drug-store in the town, and began to unload a big, heavy door. The
druggist, much surprised, said: “What do you want with that here? The
carpenter lives over there.” Said the farmer: “It is all right. My wife
is ill, the doctor has been to see her and wrote the prescription with
chalk on this door, as we had no pen and ink. Now, sir, please make it
up. I am in a great hurry.”


A Trapful

“Once I caught in my trap a wild duck, a fox, and a nine pound carp.”

“How did it happen?”

“Near the pond, a fox saw a duck; he sneaked up to catch her. Springing
at her, he caught her by the wing, but the duck managed to get into the
water. The fox holding on to her wing followed her; but a big carp swam
up behind and bit him in his leg. The fox closes his claws so tight on
the carp that it cannot get away again. Now the trap was close by, and
the duck fluttered into it. The fox not willing to lose her, follows in
and pulls the carp after him.”


His Turn

A woman whose little child would not go to sleep at night, wakened her
husband, to take his turn for a while in nursing it, as it was as much
his part as hers. “You are right,” said the husband, turning on his other
side, “you rock your part, I’ll let mine scream.”


A Sympathetic Parson

A parson preached in Holy week so touchingly about the Lord’s suffering,
that the whole congregation began to sob. Then the minister, who was
a very tender-hearted man and did not like to see anybody weep, said:
“My dear friends, be comforted; it all happened so long ago, who knows
whether it is true.”


Delayed Justice

Once a farmer complained to his minister, that his landlord persecuted
him most shamefully. The parson comforted the farmer saying: “The pitcher
goes to the well until it breaks; and if he does not get his just
punishment in this world he will surely suffer all the more in the next.”
Answered the farmer: “Yes, but if the rascal repents on his deathbed,
what then?”


Luck

The minister, in the scripture lesson at school, had been explaining
the miracles, and finally asked a boy: “Jacob, your father is a roofer.
What would you call it, if you came home, and heard that your father had
fallen from the roof of the church tower, without breaking his neck?”

“Luck.”

“So, luck? But if you came home a second time and heard the same thing?”

“An accident.”

“But the third time?”

“A lie, sir.”


Somewhat Mixed

An amiable host had to send late at night for a carriage to take home his
four friends, who had taken too much of his wine. He gave the driver the
street and house number of each one, and went to bed. He was in his first
sleep when his door-bell was rung violently.

“What is the matter?” he called from his window, seeing that the carriage
with his guests had returned.

“Oh, sir,” cries the driver, “please sort them out once more for me; they
got all mixed up!”


The Wrong Man

A monk, a farmer, and a barber met on a journey. At night they went into
a tavern, but when it was time to go to sleep the barber said: “Listen,
friends, to me; this place looks suspicious. I hope they won’t rob us in
the night.”

“Yes,” assented the monk, “I don’t feel easy about it either; but what
can we do? We can’t sit here all night, we are all three dog-tired.”

“Oh, I know what we can do,” answered the barber. “One of us must watch
while the others sleep. We will draw lots who shall be first, second, and
third watch.”

The monk and the farmer agreed to this. Lots were drawn, and the barber
was to watch first, the farmer second, and the monk last. The barber kept
watch faithfully, and after he had done everything to keep awake he took
from his bundle his scissors and other tools and soaped the farmer’s head
and then shaved it as bald as the monk’s. When his time was up he shook
the farmer and called: “Get up, man, it is your turn now!”

The farmer awoke, but when, still stupid with sleep, he put his hand to
his head and found no hair, he grew angry and cried: “What a fool that
barber is; he was to waken me, and he has wakened the monk instead.”


The Rogue’s Coat

A hypocrite came into a shop where clothes were sold, and asked for a
coat. Different kinds were shown to him, but none pleased him. “I need
one that is black on one side and white on the other, but of the same
material on both sides.”

“Strange,” said the merchant; “by your face I judge you to be an honest
man, and yet you ask—how shall I express it?—well, frankly, for a rogue’s
coat.”

“But, my goodness!” replied the buyer, smilingly, “don’t you know at
all in what kind of a world we are living? You can’t get along with one
coat. The pulpit demands one kind, the court-house another, the café
another, the office another, the platform another, the assembly another,
the bedroom another. If you meet ten people within five minutes it is
possible that you will have to turn your coat ten times.”

“That may be,” murmured the merchant, a simple, honest German, “but if
the devil gets you in a black coat, what good will a white one do you?”


His Wiser Half

A man had loaned to another fifty gulden, but having a poor memory he had
forgotten who had borrowed it. He was much worried about it and told his
wife. She was clever, as all women are, and told him what to do. “Go,
to-morrow morning early, through the town,” said she, “and whenever a
friend or acquaintance bids you good day, answer, ‘Thank you, but I would
rather have ready money.’”

“I’ll do it,” said he man, and went out early next morning. Everybody
took his answer for fun, until he met his debtor.

“This is an insult,” said he. “I don’t care to owe anything to anybody
who reminds me of it in such a rude way,” and gave the money back at
once.


Adventures of Baron von Munchhausen

“When at last my parents gave their consent to my traveling, my uncle
took me on a trip to Ceylon. Our vessel arrived there after a stormy
voyage of six weeks. About two weeks after our arrival the Governor’s son
asked me to go hunting with him. I accepted the invitation. Now my friend
was a big, strong man, used to the heat, but I, unused to it, soon grew
tired and lagged behind.

“I was just going to sit down by the shore of a raging river, when I
heard a noise behind me on the road. I looked back and saw an immense
lion coming towards me, who plainly indicated that he meant to make his
breakfast off me, without waiting even to ask my permission. My gun was
loaded only with shot. I had no time to think, and in my confusion I
determined to fire at the beast in the hope of frightening him away. But
in my anxiety I did not wait until the lion came within the range of my
gun. The noise made him furious, and he came at me with a rush. More from
instinct than sober reflection, I turned to run, but—even now it makes me
shudder to think of it—a few feet from me stood a horrible crocodile,
with mouth wide open, ready to swallow me.

“Just imagine, gentlemen, the frightful position I was in! Behind me the
lion, before me the crocodile, to my left a raging river, to my right
an abyss, in whose depths, as I afterwards learned, the most poisonous
snakes abounded. Almost fainting I dropped to the ground. In a few
moments I heard a loud, strange noise. When at last I dared to raise my
head to look around, what do you think had happened? The immense force
with which the lion jumped, the moment I dropped to the ground, had
carried him over and beyond me, straight into the crocodile’s open mouth.
The head of the one stuck in the throat of the other, and they fought
with all their might to get away from each other. I sprang up just in
time, drew my hunting knife and, with one stroke, severed the lion’s
head, the body falling at my feet. Then I took my gun and rammed the head
down further into the crocodile’s throat, choking him to death.

“Soon after I had gained this great victory over two terrible foes, my
friend returned to see what had become of me. After congratulations we
measured the crocodile and found his length to be forty feet, seven
inches.

“As soon as we had told this extraordinary adventure to the Governor, he
sent several men with a wagon to fetch the two animals to his house.

“From the lion’s skin I had a furrier make tobacco pouches, some of which
I presented to my friends. The crocodile was stuffed and mounted, and is
now one of the greatest curiosities of the museum at Amsterdam.”


Munchhausen’s Partridges

“One day I went into the woods to try a new gun, and had used up all my
ammunition when a covey of partridges rose from almost under my feet.
The desire to have a few of them on my dinner table that night gave me a
bright idea. As soon as I saw where the birds lit, I loaded my gun, but
instead of shot I put in the ramrod, which I had pointed at the upper end
as well as I could in a hurry. Then I went towards the birds, pulled the
trigger as they flushed, and had the pleasure of seeing seven spitted on
my ramrod. As I tell you, gentlemen, there is nothing like being able to
help oneself.”


Munchhausen’s Black Fox

“Another time, in a forest in Russia, I came across a magnificent black
fox. Shooting him would never do, as it would spoil his beautiful fur.
Now, Mr. Fox stood close to a tree. Instantly I took the bullet from my
gun and put in its place a large nail, fired, and hit him so skilfully
that his tail was nailed to the tree. I went quietly up to him, took my
hunting-knife, made a cross cut over his face, took my whip and beat him
out of his beautiful fur so nicely that it was a joy and a real wonder to
see.”




CHAPTER III

_For Gunners_


An Enthusiastic Nimrod

The night before the opening of the partridge season, a gunner and his
dog were crouching under some bushes. The time was five minutes to
twelve. The dog was getting restless.

“Hold on, Feldman—only five minutes more—and then we can go for them!”


Pleasure of Tiger Hunting

A gentleman who had spent some time in India and had been on several
tiger hunts, was asked whether he found it pleasant sport. “Oh,” he
replied, “it is very pleasant sport as long as you are chasing the tiger,
but should he happen to chase you, it has its drawbacks.”


A Staff as a Firearm

A poor Jew was tramping through a forest. Suddenly a wolf came running
towards him. Dreadfully frightened the Jew raised his staff, but
fortunately at the same moment, a hunter who was lurking behind some
bushes, shot at the wolf and killed him. “God’s blessing,” cried the
Jew, who did not see the gunner, but had heard the shot: “I have carried
this staff for twenty years, and never knew that it was loaded!”


A Master Shot

“Something remarkable happened to me yesterday. I went gunning and saw
two rabbits, about twenty-five feet apart, taking a nap in the grass. Now
what to do to get them, I hardly knew. Quickly I pulled the two barrels
of my gun apart, drew the trigger and both rabbits were mine.”


Recognized

A, relating his first gunning adventure:—“What do you think of this,
gentlemen! Some time ago, while I was on the lookout for game, along
comes a rabbit and sits down not far from me. I shoot, but the rabbit
does not move. I shoot again, but still the rabbit does not budge. Now
my patience is at an end. I run towards him, and when I get close enough
to knock him down, up rises my rabbit and is off. Now how do you explain
this, gentlemen?”

Old Gunner:—“Well, that rabbit read you all right. He thought: As long as
he only shoots, there is no danger; but when he comes himself, then it’s
time to skip.”


Never at a Loss

Gunner:—“You always insisted that your old gun did not shoot straight,
but now that you have a new one, you don’t seem to hit anything, either.”

Sunday Gunner:—“Yes, but now the rabbits don’t run straight.”


A Malicious Proposition

Gunner:—“I should just like to know whether that dark speck over there is
a driver or a deer.”

Förster:—“We can soon find out. You just shoot at it; if you hit it, it
is a driver; if you don’t, it’s certain that it is a deer.”


He Wanted Witnesses

Gunner (who has shot a rabbit at last):—“Oh, for some witnesses to this!”


Enlightened Him

Baron (to his neighbor at a pheasant hunt):—“Did you not notice; I hit
that pheasant—the feathers flew!”

Förster:—“Yes, I saw it—so did the pheasant.”


The Stolen Deer

Poacher:—“Your Reverence, I have a beautiful deer for sale.”

His Reverence:—“A deer? What? Did you say a deer, Seppel? How long is it
since I reasoned with you and tried to make you understand what a bad
fellow you are! Did I not tell you that if you shoot a deer, you commit
a great crime and that such a deer is as good as stolen? My, but I am
angry! Seppel, take that deer right to the kitchen, I don’t want to see
any more of it.”


A Poor Excuse

Förster:—“Now I have caught you—what are you doing here with that gun?”

Poacher:—“Oh, my! Herr Förster, I am so down on my luck, that I thought
I’d just go into the woods and shoot—myself.”


A Gunner’s Memory

A:—“Have you heard the news? The Oberförster shot four deer yesterday!”

B:—“He told me he got two.”

A:—“Is that possible? Why, I spoke to him only about five minutes ago, at
the Golden Star Inn.”

B:—“Oh, that explains it. I spoke to him half an hour ago.”


Improving Opportunities

Clerk (to his principal):—“Can I have this afternoon off, sir,—an old
aunt of mine is to be buried?”

Principal:—“Very well, but the next time you bury an aunt, you might
bring me a couple of rabbits.”


A Gunning Yarn

A gentleman just returned from Brazil, boasted of the many gorillas he
had killed there. “That must have been very difficult,” remarked one of
the listeners.

“It certainly was,” said the narrator, “but I knew how to take advantage
of the monkey’s passion for imitating us.”

“How?”

“It was very simple. In places where I suspected the presence of
gorillas, I loaded a pistol with a blind cartridge, turned it upon myself
and fired; then I left a heavily loaded one on the ground and retired.
Returning to the place later on, I invariably found the carcass of a
gorilla, who had shot himself.”


A Sign of Recognition

A good shot knows when he has missed; a poor one does not know when he
has hit.


Too Small a Price

Gunner:—“Would you believe that I shot ninety-nine rabbits within two
hours?”

Host:—“Why don’t you say one hundred at once?”

Gunner:—“You don’t think I’d make a liar of myself for just one rabbit?”


Banter

Lehman:—“Gentlemen, I must tell you a pretty story of my friend Muller!
Recently, while out gunning, he shot at a rabbit, but, of course,
missed him. Now instead of running away, the rabbit went up to friend
Muller, bowed and said quite distinctly: ‘Excuse me, sir, but I wish
to congratulate you. You shot at me to-day for the twenty-fifth time,
without hitting me!’”

Muller:—“My friend Lehman’s story needs a supplement. You must know that
I introduced myself to that rabbit. ‘What,’ cried the rabbit, very pale,
‘your name is Muller! I thought it was Lehman!’ and he is off like a
flash.”


Cautious

Förster:—“Sepp, the squire is coming to-day. He is going to hunt.”

Sepp:—“Then I had better go at once and lock up the dogs.”

Förster:—“Yes, and the calf too. The cow you might leave in the field.”

Sepp:—“Don’t know about that.”

Förster:—“Well, lock her up too; better be on the safe side.”


Queer

“Well this is killing! I shoot at a rabbit and hit a snipe!”


A Dog’s Intelligence

A gunner tells the following story of a dog’s astonishing cleverness. The
dog received every day from his master two pennies, to go to the baker’s
and get for himself some rolls to eat for breakfast. The master watching
him, noticed that for several days, he came home without his rolls. He
followed him, and saw him come from a butcher’s with a piece of sausage.
For five days the dog had saved his pennies until he had enough to buy
the piece of sausage.


Caught Him

At a hunt a farmer saw a badger slip into a hole, and at once he put
his hand in to capture the animal. A hunter who was present, asked the
farmer: “Have you caught him?” The farmer, whose hand the badger was
biting hard, screamed: “No, but he has caught me!”


Thoroughly Reformed

Warden:—“Now, Killian, you are free once more. I hope you will let this
term in prison be a warning to you, to curb your passion for poaching.
You are a family man, and you ought to have more consideration for your
poor wife and young children.”

Killian (moved to tears):—“Oh yes, sir, I see you mean well by me. You
just wait and see if I don’t bring to you the first deer I can shoot!”


He Remembered

Gunner:—“Say, sonny, did you see a rabbit running this way?”

Boy:—“I did, sir!”

Gunner:—“How long ago?”

Boy:—“’Bout three years ago last Christmas.”


Great Consolation

Count A—— had lately returned from the South of Asia. Several of his
friends called on him to invite him to a hunt. “Gentlemen,” he said,
languidly, “I am now so used to hunting tigers, that a hunt without
danger to life, has no attractions for me.”

“Well,” said one of the hunters, drily, “don’t let that worry you; I shot
at my brother-in-law yesterday, while we were out gunning!”


Logic

(Two farmers going through a field.) A:—“What are you running all at once
for? You are not afraid of a rabbit?”

B:—“Rabbit! Who cares for a rabbit! But where there is a rabbit, there is
a gunner not far off. I don’t care to have him blaze away at me.”


On a Bear Hunt

An old Oberförster told the following yarn:—“You can never imagine,
gentlemen, the number of bears there are in Russia, unless, like myself,
you have been there. Once a friend and myself made an excursion from
Petersburg to the hunting-ground in Finland. We had not been on the
lookout very long, when my friend whispered: ‘There are two coming this
way—you can take the right one, I the left one.’ A double shot, and both
monsters were rolling on the ground. At that instant several more bears
appeared. Bang—bang—bang—and they are all stretched on the ground, in
less than a minute.”

“Oh, but how did you get time to load your guns, sir?”

“Oh, pshaw! In our excitement we never thought of that!”


A Very Remarkable Shot

Herr von N. was a passionate lover of hunting, and though he seldom hit
anything, he boasted the more. He was giving a large dinner-party, and,
as usual on such occasions, had his man-servant standing behind his
chair, so he could appeal to him, as a witness of his heroic deeds. “Now,
gentlemen, I must tell you of a very remarkable shot I made the other
day. I shot a very large deer through the right hind leg and the right
ear. What do you think of that?” Everybody laughed.

“John, you were there,” cried Herr von N., “you can testify to it.”

“Most certainly,” replied the servant, “it is all perfectly true. The
deer—if the gentlemen will forgive my mentioning it—was scratching his
ear at the very moment my master hit it.” The laughter grew to a roar.
John stooped over his master and whispered in his ear: “When your Honor
tells a story next, please don’t have things so far apart or I might not
be able to put them together as well.”


A Kind Neighbor

“Will you permit me, friend, to shoot one of the ducks in this pond? I’ll
give you two marks for it.”

“Certainly, sir!”

The gunner pays the money, kills the duck, and, encouraged by his luck,
asks the farmer if he may have a second one, pays him two more marks and
kills another duck.

“Would you allow me to shoot a third one?”

“Sure, shoot all you want to; the ducks don’t belong to me, but to my
neighbor.”


A Good Excuse

Farmer (to another):—“I caught a rabbit yesterday. He won’t get into my
cabbage patch again!”

Förster (coming up behind):—“So, that’s right; and pray what did you do
with that rabbit, you rascal?”

Farmer:—“Well, well, what should I have done with him! Look here, sir; I
just took the beast, belabored his fur well with my stick and carried him
into the next field. He won’t come back here!”

Förster:—“Don’t doubt it at all!”


Killed One

Förster:—“Well, Doctor, what did you shoot?”

Doctor:—“Oh, ah—I—killed one rabbit—and—wounded three.”


Age Limit

City Swell:—“What a magnificent animal a fully grown deer is! How old do
they get?”

Gamekeeper:—“Well, you see, that depends on—when they are shot!”


Contradiction

Förster (to gunner):—“What did you shoot at?”

“At a doe, sir,—but I missed her!”

“What, you shot at a doe? Haven’t you any eyes in your head? You ought to
be ashamed of yourself (furiously) to shoot at a doe—and then to miss her
besides!”


Somewhat Uncertain

Förster (to a gunner, who instead of rabbits, has killed several
dogs):—“Say, when you are done with the dogs, tell us, so we can clear
out in time!”


A Gentle Hint

Teacher (to the Förster’s son):—“Are there many rabbits in your father’s
district?”

Pupil:—“Oh yes, sir, lots!”

Teacher:—“That’s queer; I never saw one.”


A True Sunday Gunner

A:—“Well, aren’t you coming yet?”

B:—“It takes that fellow a long time to get his duds together!”

A:—“You haven’t forgotten anything? You’ve got the ham, the sausage, the
pheasant?”

C:—“Yes, I have them; I haven’t forgotten a thing.”

A:—“Then let’s be off!”

C (Pulling his mustache):—“Good gracious! I did forget something!”

A:—“What is it?”

C:—“I left my gun at home!”


A Good Excuse

Baron von Rothschild has made it a strict rule that none of his guests
are to take any of the game shot on his preserves away with them. Though
he knew this, a gentleman wished to take home to his wife, one of the
pheasants he had shot. He hung it up the chimney in his room, and in the
evening hid it in his bag. Early the following morning Baron Rothschild
came into his guest’s room to take leave of him and at the same time to
see whether his friend was going with his gunning bag empty. A setter had
followed the Baron into the room, and as he smelled the bird at once, he
hunted all over the room until he finally pulled the finest pheasant from
the guest’s bag. “You see, Baron, knowing that you send to market all the
game that is killed here for you, I retained this pheasant to mark him
and so be able to recognize him at the market stall. Farewell!”


Consolation

A:—“I tell you, when I count what my license costs, what my board comes
to, while on a gunning trip, what I ruin in clothes and boots, what my
neglect of business amounts to, every rabbit I kill costs me about twenty
marks!”

B:—“Then you may thank your stars that you hit so few.”


Putting a Stop to Gunners’ Yarns

Canon, the well-known painter, who died recently, was an enthusiastic
gunner. Often during the gunning season he would join other friends of
the sport at the hotel, and experiences would be exchanged. Now Canon
hated all extravagant, impossible yarns, and one evening when some
gunners tried to outdo each other, his patience gave way. His strong
voice rose above the din, and everybody listened to the following story:
“My setter dog,” he began, “has the finest sense of smell; a finer does
not exist. One day we were out partridge hunting, but had no luck;
after a three hours’ tramp not a shot had been fired. Suddenly my dog
stood still, and then began scratching at the root of a small bush. We
approached cautiously. The dog kept on digging, and after he had made
quite a hole, one of us went up and helped him. All of a sudden he
brought to me—a new porcelain pipe with a partridge painted on it. I
always carry it with me as a souvenir.” He put his hand in his pocket and
laid the pipe on the table. Shouts of laughter greeted it, but there were
no more gunning yarns after that.




CHAPTER IV

_For Doctors_


Depends Upon Which He Strikes

Professor:—“Gentlemen, I am going to begin my lecture to-day, with
the diseases of mankind. When a person is ill, nature and disease are
fighting each other. The doctor comes and beats about with a club, so to
speak; if he strikes the disease, the person will recover; if he strikes
nature, the patient dies.”


At the Clinic

“Yes, beloved hearers, every hour must find us prepared to die. Death is
inevitable, yes almost sure!”


Absent-Minded

Professor:—“Gentlemen, I can inform you that during the past month, more
boys than girls were born in our city; but as to the weddings celebrated
during the same period, the number of women who were married exceeds that
of the men considerably.”


Entered In

“Gentlemen, at the last lecture we studied the outer form and structure
of the stomach; to-day we will enter into the stomach itself.”


At an Operation

“Please, gentlemen, put your knives away now, and take your fingers in
your hand.”


At the Hospital

Professor:—“We have no patient here to-day who needs an operation, but as
his Highness, our patron, wishes to attend one, we will try one on this
man here. He is a stranger in the city, so it will be all right.”


Consistency

Doctor:—“Do you make experiments at your hospital?”

Professor:—“I should say so! We have, for instance, three divisions for
inflammation of the lungs. In the first, the patients are not given
anything; in the second, they are given tartar-emetic; in the third,
tartar-emetic and they are also bled. In all three divisions deaths are
about even.”

Doctor:—“Don’t you think that many a patient of the first division could
be saved, by being bled?”

Professor:—“Don’t doubt it, but it can’t be done. We must be firm, to
reach the desired result.”


The Ruling Passion

Miser:—“If, as you say, there is nothing more to be done for me, I should
like it better if you could fix it so that I shall be dead and buried by
New Year.”

Doctor:—“What do you wish that for?”

Miser:—“Because I could save a lot of money on New Year’s presents.”


The Medicine Chest

A ship’s doctor was in the habit of prescribing sea-water for most ills.
One day by an unlucky accident, he fell overboard. “Hello, Jack,” called
one sailor to another, “the doctor fell into his medicine chest!”


Doctors Not Unlike Policemen

The prince of R. once said to Hufeland: “You are a famous physician. You
know the human body so well inside and out, that you ought to be able to
cure all ills!”

“It is with doctors as with policemen,” replied Hufeland. “We know the
streets well, but how the houses look on the inside, we can only guess
at.”


Bound to Succeed

“Say, surgeon,” thundered the Colonel, “several more soldiers have died
and you don’t even seem to know the cause of so many deaths!”

“Oh, I shall get at the mystery,” returned the surgeon, “if it takes the
whole regiment.”


The Co-laborers

Lady:—“Would you mind telling me, Doctor, how it is that you have so many
patients?”

Doctor:—“That is very simple. I have three fine agents, who work for
me and bring me patients, without being paid for it; they are Poverty,
Intemperance, and Imagination.”


No Need of a Doctor

Doctor:—“While taking this cure, you must diet yourself strictly; avoid
all fatty and acid foods; and leave beer and wine alone.”

Patient:—“Hold on, Doctor; if I must do without all that, I’ll get well
without you. If you can’t help me to be well, while I eat and drink what
I like, I have no use for either yourself or your science!”


Practice Makes Perfect

Doctor:—“Well, you are coughing with less exertion to-day!”

Patient:—“That’s not surprising, Doctor, since I practiced at it all
night.”


A Dyeing Patient

Doctor:—“My dear woman, your husband is in the greatest danger! His hands
and arms are very red; he has scarlet fever in the worst form!”

Wife:—“But, Doctor, my husband is a dyer, and was using red this morning.”

Doctor:—“Oh well, then I can perhaps save him yet!”


Curiosity

“You see, Doctor, whenever I shake my head, my brain hurts dreadfully.”

“Why do you shake your head, then?”

“How else can I find out that my brain hurts?”


The Greater Risk

Doctor:—“Well, Moses, what has happened?”

Moses:—“What has happened? My wife drank coal-oil.”

Moses, Jr.:—“Father, mother is calling for you constantly; do go in to
her, so she will get quiet!”

Moses:—“The Lord have mercy! I should go to her? You go in first, Doctor.”

Doctor:—“Why shall I go in first?”

Moses:—“I have six children to support.”

Doctor:—“Well, and——?”

Moses:—“Well, and? you ask, Doctor, and yet you are a smart man. What if
she should explode the moment I was with her?”


Lung Trouble

Countryman:—“Doctor, will you please prescribe a little something for me.
I think something is wrong with my lung.”

Doctor (after examining him):—“You go quietly home, my man; as long as
you will live, your lung will hold out all right.”


How He Got Home

Dr. Schneider was awakened at midnight by a stranger who asked him to
come to a patient at a little town two hours distant. “It is very
urgent,” added the messenger. The Doctor had his team brought around,
and drove away with the stranger. Arrived at the town, the man jumped
from the buggy, saying: “I am very much obliged to you, Doctor. I was
dead tired and did not know how to get home, so I thought of you and your
team. Now I shall be at home in a few minutes. I hope you will get home
all right.”


Out of Joint

Augusta:—“Well, Ricke, I tell you it is dreadful to be a servant in a
Doctor’s family? Just think, every morning his bones are scattered all
over the room!”

Ricke:—“Good gracious! Does the man take himself apart every evening?”


Patience

Minister (at a sick bed):—“Just have patience, my good woman; all will be
well.”

Old country woman:—“It’s easy to talk, sir, but I should just like to
know what I have done. Lots of people die so easy, and it’s killing me!”


Death Loves a Shining Mark

“Rebecca,” said Reb Baruch, who was dangerously ill, to his wife, “get
your most beautiful gown and dress yourself as for a wedding!”

“Why? What for? What good would it do you?”

“I’ll tell you. If the angel of death should enter, and see you standing
there, looking so beautiful, he might like you better, and take you
instead of me!”


Rheumatism or Gout

A physician who was asked the difference between rheumatism and gout,
answered: “If you take a vise, put a finger between, and turn until you
can’t stand it any longer, that’s rheumatism; if you turn once more,
that’s gout.”


Humor on the Deathbed

When Frank, a famous Vienna physician was dying, eight of his colleagues
sat around his bed, in consultation. All at once the dying man laughed
aloud and said: “I was just thinking of that French grenadier, who, at
the battle of Wagram, fell after being struck by eight bullets, and
whose last words were: Sapristi, it takes eight bullets to kill a French
grenadier!”


Very Ill

A hospital physician asked a sick old man, how he was.

“Oh, dear Doctor,” said the good old fellow, “I feel so ill, that if some
one told me I was dead, I should not be surprised.”


Poor Schleiermacher

The famous preacher Schleiermacher had, during a severe illness,
been under the care of the celebrated Dr. Gräfe. After his recovery,
Schleiermacher wrote to him and enclosed in his letter four
Friedrichsd’or—about thirty-one dollars. Gräfe sent the amount back with
this rude answer: “Wealthy people pay me what they like; the well-to-do
pay the regular fee; the poor pay nothing.” Whereupon Schleiermacher
wrote: “Sir! For the return of the four Friedrichsd’or accept poor
Schleiermacher’s sincere thanks!”


Who Was Right

The celebrated Dr. Heim, who was known to be often slightly intoxicated,
was called while in that condition, into a family whose regular physician
he was.

The gentleman of the house, who was taken with an attack of acute
indigestion, and was suffering intense pain, confessed that it might
be the result of having eaten too many raw oysters. “Give him Chester
cheese, and a good big portion of it,” said Heim, and without another
word, walked out.

The patient’s family, who imagined that cheese was more indigestible than
oysters, shook their heads over their doctor’s advice, and thinking that
in his intoxicated condition he had made a big mistake, gave him rum
instead of the cheese. A few hours later the patient died.

The next morning Heim came to look after his patient. He was told that he
had died in the night.

“Didn’t you give him the Chester cheese?” asked Heim.

“No, Doctor,—we thought—you were—we gave him rum.”

“So,” Heim cried furiously: “you thought, because I was drunk, you knew
more of medicine than I, and in that mad idea killed your patient. But I
want you to know, that even if I am drunk, I still know more of medicine,
than you do in all your sobriety. Now you send for two dozen oysters at
once, and I’ll prove to you that even if I do drink a glass of wine, I
know very well what I am talking about.”

The oysters were brought, and at Heim’s order, were divided and placed
into two separate dishes. To those in one dish he put several slices of
Chester cheese; to the others he poured several glasses of rum. “Now,
then,” he said, “you let that stuff stand for a few hours and we’ll see
who knew best!”

Growling and scolding—for Heim was as famous for his roughness as for his
skill—he went away. When he returned a few hours later and the dishes
were uncovered, it was found that the oysters mixed with cheese had
dissolved into a foam-like substance, while those soaked in rum were in
an unchanged condition.

“Well, who was right?” asked Heim. The unhappy relatives were forced to
look upon themselves as the murderers of their beloved dead.


A New Cure for Headache

A lady patient, who often suffered from severe headaches, once asked
Heim’s pardon for trying a remedy which was said to be an infallible
cure. She had been told when next the pain came on, to cover her head
with cabbage. “Very good thing,” said Heim, “but don’t forget to put a
sausage on top of it.”


Strange Effects of Alcohol

One evening Heim was called into a family where the infant daughter had
been suddenly taken with spasms. Heim felt the baby’s pulse, shook his
head, felt his own pulse, then the infant’s again, and at last said:
“The baby is drunk; her pulse is exactly the same as mine.” That seemed
a queer diagnosis, but it was soon evident that old Heim was right as
usual. There had been a celebration in the family that day, and the wet
nurse had made use of the occasion to drink a bottle of wine on the sly.


Good for Asses

A lady of the aristocracy bothered old Heim dreadfully with questions
as to what she could feed her baby on, to make it grow fat. One day she
followed him to the house door. “One thing more, dear Doctor! What is
asses’ milk good for?”

“For young asses,” replied Heim, and walked off.


Wanted a Return for Her Money

Cook:—“Good Frau, since there are two holy days coming, I am going to the
hospital.”

Mistress:—“Why, Marie! are you ill?”

Cook:—“No, thank God; there is nothing the matter with me, but I have
paid my sick benefit regularly for six years, and I should like to get
something out of it.”


His Reward

“You are an awfully good-natured fellow, to give your man his medicine,
yourself. Not many masters would do it.”

“Well, you see, the medicine tastes so horrid, that it is great fun to
see the faces he makes, as I pour it down his throat.”


Better Than Half a Nose

While operating upon an old man, Professor Billroth, of Vienna, told the
physicians and students present the following amusing story: “Some time
ago an old man came to me to consult me about the disease of his nose. He
owned only half a one, and that was not worth much, so he thought I could
operate upon it and give him a decent artificial one. I asked how old he
was. ‘I am eighty years old,’ he said.

“‘Do you think it necessary at that age to undergo an operation?’ I asked
of my patient.

“‘Professor,’ says the old fellow, ‘my father lived to be one hundred
and twenty-five years old, and I don’t see why I should walk around for
forty-five years with only half a nose.’”


Kill or Cure

The wife of a farmer in Westphalia was seriously ill, and the doctor was
sent for.

“I have a hundred thalers in this bag here, doctor,” said the well-to-do
farmer, “and whether you kill her or cure her, you shall have the money.”
The patient died. A few months later, the doctor came to get the promised
money.

“I am ready to keep my promise,” said the farmer, “but first you will
answer me two questions: did you kill my wife?”

“God forbid!” said the doctor. “I certainly could not say yes, to that!”

“So much the better. Well, then, did you cure her?”

“No.”

“Then I am sorry I can’t give you the money. If you wish to bring suit
for it—I can’t prevent you.”

The doctor took good care not to go to law about it.


Dr. Schweninger as a Statue

A porter once took a friend from the country to show him around Munich,
and among other places of interest they went to the University. The
countryman wanted to know what the figures on the front of the building
meant. The porter, to hide his ignorance, mentioned several great men
of the time. Arrived at a scantily clad Greek philosopher, he says
unblushingly: “That is Dr. Schweninger!”

“Oh, Bismarck’s family doctor! But why hasn’t he a coat on?”

“Well, you know, Seppel, since he cured the Chancellor, the people just
fight over him, so it is no wonder he hasn’t a coat left.”


An Uncertain Bargain

At the clinic of the University of Kiel, appeared some time ago, a
stalwart countryman about forty years of age, who asked Professor N. to
buy his skeleton. “But, my good man,” said he, looking him all over, “I
am afraid we should have to wait a long time to come into possession of
our own. What do you want the money for?”

“Well, sir, I wanted to emigrate to Australia with it,” replied the
countryman.


Natural Death

A traveler asked the host of a country tavern why, being ill, he did not
send for a physician?

“Well,” replied the sick man, “the people of this village don’t think
anything of doctors; we all like to die a natural death.”


“Got You at Last”

A physician from Baden-Baden tells this story: “It was a clear cold
night—after twelve o’clock. I was returning from a visit in the country,
and riding through the forests I heard the sounds of ax-strokes. There
was no doubt about what this meant. I was in good humor, so I tied my
horse to a tree, sneaked up close to the thieves, and watched their
doings for a while. As they were giving the last strokes which were
to bring down a beautiful tree, I jumped from behind my hiding-place,
crying: ‘Got you at last, you villains!’

“‘Clear out—it’s the forester!’ called a voice; and as quick as lightning
the whole company disappeared. One ax was left behind, and I took it as a
trophy and rode home. The whole affair passed so quickly that I could not
see distinctly any one of the trespassers.

“Years passed, when one afternoon as I entered a tavern in Baden-Baden,
my attention was drawn to a party playing cards. The game seemed to be
lost to the man whose back was turned to me. Suddenly he cried out: ‘Mine
with the bower, and thank you!’ It was the same voice, that years ago,
had given the command: ‘Clear out!’

“A second game began. I stood behind my man looking at his cards. As he
took up a long-expected trump I called to him unexpectedly: ‘Got you
at last, you villain!’ Slowly the player turned around to me and said:
‘Where is my ax?’”


Drinks What is Good

Druggist (to a countryman):—“I can’t recommend anything better than Dr.
Muller’s health-tea. That is good, and is sure to help you.”

Countryman:—“Oh, if Dr. Muller makes it, let’s have it. Dr. Muller
doesn’t drink anything bad.”


Precaution

A patient is about to take gas to have a tooth pulled. While the dentist
is making his preparations, the man counts his money. “Oh, leave that
until afterwards,” says the dentist, thinking his patient wants to pay
him in advance.

“Why afterwards,” cried he, “if you are going to take my senses away, I
want to know beforehand, how much money I have in my pocketbook!”


Reciprocity

A well-known and popular actor came to a dentist to have a tooth pulled.
When the operation was over he took out his purse. The dentist seeing
this, said: “You have given me pleasure so often, that I am pleased to be
able to return the favor, so never mind the pay!”


Secrets of Medical Science

Among the effects of the famous Dr. Boerhave, was a well wrapped and
sealed package, with this inscription: “The only and deepest secrets of
medical science.” When his library was sold this package brought 20,000
marks. On breaking the seals, the purchaser found nothing but a few empty
leaves, on the first one of which was written in large letters, Keep your
head cool, your bowels open, your feet warm, and you can laugh at all
doctors.


A Pointed Answer

Dr. M. whose bruskness was well known throughout Silesia, was going by
coach one day from Breslau to Liegnitz. In the waiting-room were several
gentlemen waiting for the same coach. One of them came up to the doctor.

“Are you Dr. M.?” he asked.

“At your service,” was the answer.

“I am glad to hear it. Since you know everything, you could possibly
answer a question.”

“Perhaps so; let me hear what it is.”

“Well, you see my mustache is already gray, while the hair on my head is
still black; what is the cause of it?”

Without a moment’s reflection the doctor replied: “The cause is simply
this, that you have always used your mouth more than your head.”


How He Took the Pills

Doctor:—“Why, the boy is perfectly well again. I knew my pills would cure
him. How did you take them, son? In sugar water?”

Boy:—“No, sir; in the popgun. I shot sparrows with them.”


Had Them in His Head

“Can you name the bones of the skull?” asked a professor of a student.

“I have them all in my head,” was the answer, “but I can’t think of the
names just now.”


Too Much Mustard

Doctor (to an emaciated patient):—“Now you want one mustard plaster on
your chest and one on your back.”

Patient:—“Isn’t that rather too much mustard for so little meat, doctor?”




CHAPTER V

_For Lawyers_


Fame and Wealth

The lawyer becomes famous through his cleverness, popular through his
astuteness, but fat and wealthy through the foolishness of his fellow-men.


Rewarded Industry

“It is terrible how slow Secretary Meier works!” exclaimed the President;
“there he is behind again with a big stack of papers! What shall we do
with them?”

“Oh, there is Muller, a prompt, industrious clerk, he is never behind!
Let’s give them to him,” said the Director.


Secret and Public

“What is the difference between a secret and a public session of the town
council?”

“When there is a secret session, one knows the result an hour later; the
result of a public session, one reads in next day’s paper.”


Evidence of Dishonesty

Detective:—“Your suspicion of your cashier has not been confirmed; you
may be sure of his honesty. He makes no show whatever, lives, to be sure,
decently...!”

Director (interrupting him):—“Yes, but ... that’s just it; with the
salary I give him, it’s impossible to live decently!”


Of Course

Judge (to accused’s wife):—“Were you with your husband when he broke into
the young ladies’ boarding-school?”

Wife:—“Of course; would _your_ wife permit you to break into a young
ladies’ school by yourself?”


An Honest Lawyer

“But, Doctor, I must win that lawsuit; the contract is as clear as
daylight!”

“So it is—but let me tell you, when it comes to a lawsuit, clearness is a
thing of the past.”


Out of Business

“What, are you back from Africa already?”

“Yes, I had settled there as sheriff, but there was nothing to levy upon
but now and then a nose-ring ... and then I generally had a suit brought
against me for levying on an indispensable article of dress.”


Short Work

“What,” said the disgusted lawyer to a countryman, “didn’t I have you
thrown out just now because you were too fresh, and here you are back
again!”

“Doctor,” returns he, “please be good, and undertake my defense; I see
you are the only lawyer who makes short work!”


Question and Answer

Lady (at a lawyer’s who is a friend):—“A question does not cost anything?”

Lawyer:—“No, but the answer does.”


At Examination

Professor:—“Candidate, what belongs to a last will and testament?”

Candidate:—“A death and a fortune.”


Suggestive Question

Professor:—“Candidate, what in law do we call one who assists another in
committing a crime—who for instance, makes him a key, with which to open
the door?”

Candidate:—“That is a locksmith.”


Final Farewell

Professor:—“Candidate, what does the term _dos_ mean?”

Candidate:—“_Dos_—_dos_—I am sorry I can’t think of it this minute.”

Professor:—“Imagine you were engaged to be married. On your wedding day
your father-in-law says, ‘I shall give my daughter 50,000 thaler.’ What
would that be?”

Candidate:—“That would be great good luck for me.”

Professor:—“I fully agree with you. Now translate for me this mandate
from the Codex. Read the introduction.”

Candidate (reads):—“_Sancimus hac lege in perpetuum valitura_——”

Professor:—“Stop! Translate these words.”

Candidate (translates):—“Read this—and then farewell forever!”

Professor:—“Good, very good! I also will say to you: Farewell forever!”


Saving in Vain

Professor:—“Well, candidate, which seems to you the better, that the
present generation should save for the future generation, or that they
should leave debts behind?”

Candidate:—“I believe it would be better to leave debts behind.”

Professor:—“Why; what are your reasons?”

Candidate:—“We can’t be expected to save for a generation, of which we
do not even know whether it will exist. If the judgment day should come
unexpectedly, we would have saved for nothing.”


No Criminal

Professor:—“What is a crime?”

Candidate (stuttering):—“A crime is—is, when some one—does—something!”

Professor (laughing):—“Then candidate, you are certainly no criminal.”


A Modern Solomon

Professor:—“I will put a law case before you: Mother and daughter slept
with their two little boys, in the same room. As the children were
dressed exactly alike, the nurses changed them, so nobody could tell
which was the mother’s and which the daughter’s child. How would you
decide the case?”

Candidate:—“Are you sure that the children were exchanged?”

Professor:—“Didn’t I tell you so just now?”

Candidate:—“Very well, then you simply exchange the children again.”


Direct or Indirect

“Is the dog tax a direct or an indirect tax?”

“An indirect one.”

“Why?”

“Because it is not collected directly from the dog.”


Mortgages

“Candidate, what do you know about mortgages?”

“Nothing at all; so far, I have always been able to borrow without one.”


Her Age

“You are thirty years old?” asked a magistrate of a lady whose deposition
he was taking down.

“No, twenty,” she answered.

“But I was born in the same year you were.”

“Oh, well,” said the lady, snappishly, “you probably lived faster than
I!”


It Makes a Difference

“What is the matter with this woman?”

“She fell on the slippery sidewalk, because there was no sand put on it.”

“Where was it? I’ll put the landlord’s name down at once!”

“It was before the town hall, policeman.”

“Oh, before the town hall! you should have been more careful, my good
woman!”


Don’t Go

Professor (complaining):—“For the past two weeks a student has occupied
the room below mine. The impudent fellow plays the piano and sings every
blessed night, ‘Come down, oh Madonna Theresa!’ What can I do about it?”

Police Sergeant:—“Is your name Theresa?”

Professor:—“No.”

Police Sergeant:—“Well then you need not take any notice of it.”


An Acquired Interest

“How did you manage to have your attorney take such an interest in your
lawsuit?”

“I borrowed a hundred dollars from him. If I lose my lawsuit he will lose
his money.”


Fatal

Judge:—“Well, Doctor, what do you think of your patient’s wounds?”

Doctor:—“Two of them are fatal, without a doubt; but if the patient is
kept quiet, it is probable that the third one will be healed in a couple
of months.”


A Great Temptation

“How did you break into that house?”

“Your Honor, it was two o’clock in the morning; no night watchman in
sight; an open window in front of me—why, you yourself would have gone
in!”


Misplaced Pathos

“Gentlemen of the Jury! When the pear is ripe, it falls from the tree!
This pear (pointing towards the accused) grew ripe, fell from the tree,
and here it sits—in the dock!”


Before the Court

Judge:—“So the accused stole a _salam_, (choice sausage)—where is it?”

Constable:—“Here, your Honor, is the _corpus delicati_.”


Curious to Hear

Judge:—“You wish your trial postponed, prisoner, because your counsel has
been taken ill; but since you were caught red-handed and have confessed
the theft, I don’t see what your counsel could say in your favor.”

Prisoner:—“That’s just what I am curious to hear, your Honor!”


Among Ourselves

Presiding Judge (addressing the crowd in the courtroom):—“I warn you that
if there are any more disturbances, I’ll have the court cleared!”

Prisoner:—“That’ll be much better, your Honor; then we’ll be among
ourselves!”


Wished to Confess

“If it pleases the court,” said a prisoner, who so far had stoutly denied
his guilt, during the poor defense his counsel made, “make him shut up;
I’d rather confess.”


A Fatal Cold

Governor (to a prisoner while inspecting the penitentiary):—“What brought
you here?”

Prisoner:—“My cold.”

Governor:—“What? Your cold?”

Prisoner:—“Yes, sir; I had a bad cold when I broke into that house, and
had to sneeze; it awoke the gentleman; he caught me, and so I was brought
here.”


Doing the Honors

Warden (to the prisoners):—“His Honor is going to visit the jail this
afternoon! Prepare yourselves for it!”

Rogue (to a fellow prisoner):—“Hans, you do the honors!”


Needed His Tools

Warden:—“Here is the money that is due you. I hope you will now find an
honorable way of making a living.”

Prisoner:—“Certainly, sir, you may depend on it.”

Warden:—“Well, we shall see; you may go now! Why are you hesitating? Do
you wish to say anything?”

Prisoner (whose burglar kit had been taken from him when he was
arrested):—“Might I ask your Honor for my tools?”


Malicious

Attorney (to the manager of a theatre on seeing the empty house):—“Why,
my dear sir, is the public excluded to-day?”


Taken Aback

Attorney:—“I assure you, charming Fräulein, we lawyers advance very
slowly. One is always waiting for the other’s death. Look, for instance,
at that old judge over there. From year to year we have been waiting for
the old codger to go off and make room for——”

Lady (interrupting him):—“Sir, that gentleman—is my father!”


Force of Habit

A lawyer was speaking at the grave of a colleague. No eye had remained
dry, until, putting down a wreath, the orator closed with great pathos,
saying: “Rest in peace, dear friend ... and you, gentlemen of the jury,
preserve ever a pleasant memory of the accused!”


At the Mercy of the Court

Waiter:—“What do you wish me to order for your dinner, sir?”

Attorney (pointing to the kitchen):—“I leave that to the mercy of the
court!”


His First Attempt

“To-morrow I am going to hand my first attempt at a drama to the manager
of our theatre.”

“Friend, as a lawyer, you ought to know that even an attempt at crime is
punishable.”


Difference of Statement

“Is it true that you said the man Meier here, had stolen your pocketbook?”

“I didn’t say that, Squire; I only stated, that if Meier had not helped
me to look for it, I should have found it again.”


On Time

Clerk of the Court (to countryman):—“What do you want here so early?
There is nobody here yet, but myself! Before eight o’clock no business is
accepted. Don’t you see that it is still two whole minutes of eight? In
two minutes you will find me in!”


Doubtful Presents

Rogue:—“Doctor, you got me free. I must show my gratitude. Take this
watch.”

Counsel:—“No, no; you are a poor devil. Where did you get the watch?”

Rogue:—“Why, it’s the one I stole.”


Unstable Evidence

Detective (looking for evidence at the spot where a murder had been
committed):—“The footprint in this anthill is of the utmost importance.
It might—most probably it will—lead to the discovery of the murderer.
Constable, hurry back to town at once, bring a bag and a shovel, and
shovel this highly important footprint into it. We will take it back with
us!”


Willing to Show Him

Judge:—“It is utterly incomprehensible to me how you could kill the man
with one blow of your bare fist!”

Accused:—“Shall I show you how I did it?”


He Understood

Magistrate:—“You complain that your neighbor struck you during a quarrel?”

Washerwoman:—“Yes, your Honor, he struck me several times with his cane
on—on—”

Magistrate:—“Never mind; sit down on the missing word.”


Importance of Being Precise

Squire:—“You are a carpenter, are you not?”

“Yes, sir.”

“You were working near the place where the row occurred?”

“Yes, sir.”

“How far away were you?”

“Thirty-six and a half feet.”

“How can you tell so exact?”

“’Cause I measured it. I thought right away, some fool from court would
ask me about it.”


Objected to Income Tax

Magistrate:—“You are accused of loafing; why don’t you work?”

Loafer:—“Because then I would have to pay an income tax.”


A Witness Against His Will

Judge:—“Constable, bring in the next witness!” (Constable beckons to a
man by the door to step up.)

Judge:—“What is your name?”

Peter:—“Peter Lerch.”

Judge:—“How old are you?”

Peter:—“I don’t think that’s necessary to tell.”

Judge (severely):—“Will you tell me at once, how old you are?”

Peter:—“Thirty-three years.”

Judge:—“Are you a Lutheran or a Catholic?”

Peter:—“But, your Honor——”

Judge (interrupting him):—“If you dare to interrupt me again——”

Peter (quickly):—“I’m a Lutheran.”

Judge:—“Are you related to the accused or in their service?”

Peter (indignant):—“I? to those? Rather not! What is your Honor thinking
of?” (Laughter in the courtroom.)

Judge:—“Refrain from all improper remarks! Raise your hand and take the
oath.”

Peter:—“Oh, but really your Honor, that’s too much.”

Judge (rises and cries furiously):—“I’ll have you arrested, if you dare
to contradict again. Raise your hand and repeat the oath after me.”
(Peter does it meekly.)

Judge:—“And now what have you to say?”

Peter:—“The Colonel sends his regards, and asks you to come to dinner
to-night at eight o’clock. The deer he shot yesterday has arrived.”

Judge:—“What on earth—— Aren’t you a witness?”

Peter:—“No, your Honor; I’m the Colonel’s orderly. Not finding you at
home I came here; and when I asked for you, the Constable showed me in
here.”


A Pointed Suggestion

A celebrated lawyer was pleading a case before a famous judge, and made
such daring assertions that he roused the latter into saying: “Well, if
this is law, I’m going home to burn all my books.”

“It seems to me,” replied the lawyer quietly, “it would be better if your
Honor went home to read them.”


On His Side

A lawyer once asked a minister, “If the clergy and the devil had a
lawsuit together, who would win?”

“The devil,” was the quick answer, “for he has all the lawyers on his
side.”


A Legal Tilt

Two lawyers, one as tall as a giant, the other as small as a dwarf, were
getting so excited over a case on hand, that the giant said to the other:
“Who are you? Why, I could put you in my pocket.”

The other replied quietly: “Then there would be more law in your pocket
than there is in your head.”


Finally

Counsel (closing his speech):—“And finally, gentlemen of the jury, I
would have you remember the golden rule: ‘Do unto others, as you wish
others to do unto you,’ or would you like to lie in a prison cell, for
years?”




CHAPTER VI

_A Chapter for Composers and Music Lovers_


Music is a greater revelation than all science and philosophy!—L. VAN
BEETHOVEN.


Mozart’s Affection

Mozart loved his parents tenderly. When quite a little fellow, he
composed a song, which he sang with his father every night before going
to bed, while standing on a chair where his father had to put him. This
ceremony over, he would kiss them and retire in peace and contentment.
This nightly performance he kept up until he reached his tenth year.


Mozart Before the Emperor

When Mozart was six years old, his father took him to the palace, to play
before Emperor Francis I. Taking him to the piano the Emperor started to
turn the leaves for him, when the boy said: “No, you let Wagenseil (the
leader of the orchestra) do that, he knows how.”


A Rapid Composer

The evening before the first performance of “Don Juan” at Prag, Mozart
told his wife that he intended to write the overture during the night,
and asked her to make a punch for him and stay with him, to keep him
awake. But exertion and sleepiness made the work so hard, that his wife
begged him to rest on the sofa, promising to waken him in an hour. He
slept so soundly that she let him sleep two hours. It was five o’clock
when she wakened him. At seven the copyist was to come. Mozart worked now
so rapidly, that in two hours the overture was finished.


Criticised the Emperor

One day Mozart and his wife were walking in the Augarten near Vienna.
His wife was telling him about her dog’s devotion, and said: “You just
pretend to strike me and see how he will jump at you!” Just as Mozart
playfully struck his wife on the shoulder, the Emperor stepped from his
summer-house.

“Well, well,” said he; “just three weeks married, and fighting already!”

Mozart explained, and the Emperor laughing, asked:

“Do you remember the anecdote of Wagenseil? and how, when I played the
violin, you called from among my audience, sometimes ‘Pshaw! that was
wrong!’ sometimes, ‘bravo!’”


Mozart’s Generosity

Mozart was very generous. An old and honest piano repairer had put some
new strings on his beloved instrument.

“What do I owe you, old friend?” asked Mozart. “I am going away to-morrow
and wish to pay you now!”

The old man, who always grew dreadfully embarrassed if any one spoke to
him, stammered:

“To be sure—your Honor—I have been here—several—times I beg—a thaler.”

“What, a man like you, come to me for one thaler?” With that he put
several ducats into the old man’s hand and fled.


George Friedrich Händel

For a number of years after Händel settled in London he was financially
very unlucky. His operas did not take, and when his friends complained
that the house was so empty, he would comfort them by saying:

“That does not matter at all, the music will sound so much the better!”


Reading at Sight

On a trip to Ireland, Händel was detained for a few days at Chester. As
he wished to try some of the choruses that he intended to bring out in
Ireland, he asked the organist of the Cathedral, Backer, whether he had
any singers in his choir who could sing by sight. Backer named some of
his best singers, among them a printer, Janson, who sang bass very well.
Händel appointed the time for a private rehearsal at his hotel; but poor
Janson, after repeated trials, made so many mistakes in the chorus of
The Messiah, “And through his wounds” that Händel grew furious and after
swearing at him in four or five languages, cried in broken English: “You
villain, you, didn’t you say you could read by sight?”

“So I can, sir,” replied Janson, “only not the very first time!”


About as Well as the Cook

When Gluck came to England the first time, in 1745, Händel was asked what
he thought of him. His answer, preceded by an oath was:

“He knows and understands counterpoint about as well as my cook!”


Home Again

One evening while Händel was at Dublin, a certain Mr. Dubourg was to sing
a solo to an aria, with a cadence _ad libitum_. For some time he strayed
about in different keys, but at last he commenced the trill with which
the cadence closed and Händel cried loud enough for the whole house to
hear, to the great amusement of the audience: “Welcome home, Mr. Dubourg!”


Too Particular

In 1749, Händel had such poor success with his oratorio “Theodora” that
he was pleased when some musicians, who did not play in it, accepted
tickets. Later on some of these gentlemen begged permission to hear The
Messiah, but Händel said: “Oh, I am your humble servant, gentlemen; you
are too infernally particular! You did not care to hear Theodora, when
there was room enough to dance, now there is none left for you!”


The Villain

Händel was holding the last rehearsal of his incomparable and difficult
“Te Deum Laudamus” to be rendered at the celebration of the Peace of
Utrecht. Before starting, he cried, full of enthusiasm: “Gentlemen!
Whoever makes a mistake to-day, is a villain!”

The sublime composition, the excellent rendition, carried him away to
such an extent, that at the end of a phrase, forgetting everything
around him, he stood like one inspired, and when spoken to, shivered and
was unable to control his emotion. With the last note, he cried, tears
streaming down his face: “Gentlemen, I am the villain!”


F. Joseph Haydn

While Haydn lived in Ungarn (Hungary) gunning and fishing were his
favorite recreations. He never forgot that he once killed three pheasants
at one shot, which afterwards graced the dinner table of the Empress,
Maria Theresa.


Haydn’s Strategy

In 1770, Haydn was very ill with a malignant fever, and during his
convalescence his physician strictly forbade his doing any work or
touching the piano. Soon after, Haydn’s wife went to church, but before
going impressed on the maid the necessity of watching her master closely
so that he could not get at the piano. Haydn pretended not to have heard
a word of this order, but his wife had hardly left the house, when he
sent the maid on an errand. He hurried to the piano, and at the first
touch the whole idea of a sonata came to him. The first part was finished
while his wife was at church. When he heard her returning, he quickly
went back to bed and finished it there.


These Brought Contentment

Haydn owned a case filled with snuff-boxes, watches, rings, medals, and
other presents from all the crowned heads of Austria, Russia, Prussia,
Spain, France, and Naples. He said: “When life seems sometimes hard to
bear, I look at all these things, and feel content and pleased to have
been honored by all Europe.”


Haydn and the Ship-Captain

One day a ship-captain came to Haydn’s room. “Are you Haydn?”

“Yes, sir; what can I do for you?”

“I’ll give you thirty guineas if you compose a march for my ship’s
band; but it must be done to-day, for to-morrow morning we set sail for
Calcutta.”

Haydn promised to have it ready early the following morning; went to the
piano as soon as the captain had left him, and was soon done with it. It
seemed to the composer that he had earned his money too easily, so during
the evening he composed two more marches, to give the captain his choice
or make him a present of the other two. It was barely daylight when the
captain appeared.

“Captain, the march is finished.”

“Very good, play it for me!”

Haydn played.

The Englishman put the thirty guineas on the piano, and without saying
another word took up his march and walked to the door. Haydn followed him
saying: “I composed two more, which I think are better. Let me play them
for you and take your choice.”

“The first march pleases me, so that ends it!”

“But listen to the others, perhaps——”

“No, that is impossible!”

The captain hurried down the stairs, Haydn ran after him saying: “Sir,
I’ll make you a present of them. You paid me very generously. Do take
them!”

The captain hurried still more saying: “It is impossible. I don’t want
them!”

“Do let me play them for you!”

“Not for a thousand devils,” cried the captain, who had reached the
street by this time, and disappeared quickly. Haydn went at once to learn
both the captain’s and his ship’s name, and having succeeded, packed
up both marches and, with a note, sent them to the musical salt. He,
however, returned the package without opening the note, and Haydn was so
furious about it that he tore it to shreds, marches and all.


Had No Use for Haydn’s Music

Another time, while Haydn was sauntering about the streets, he stepped
into a music store and asked if they had a selection of good music.

“As much as you wish,” said the proprietor. “Here are some excellent
things of Haydn’s!”

“Have no use for them,” said Haydn, curtly.

“What, you have no use for it? For Haydn’s music! What fault have you to
find with it?”

“Quite enough! At any rate, I don’t want any of it. Show me some other
compositions!”

The merchant, a devoted admirer of Haydn’s, said, indignantly: “It is
not necessary, though I have plenty of excellent music, I have none for
you!” and turned his back on the composer. At the same moment a gentleman
entered who knew Haydn, and spoke to him. The merchant coming up to them
said to the Englishman: “What do you think! This old gentleman here has
no use for Haydn’s music!” Great was his embarrassment when the gentleman
explained.


Haydn’s Kindness

The following story proves what a noble, generous man Haydn was. In 1780
the daughter of an army officer from Coburg wrote to him of a little
adventure, asking him to set it to music. This is the story: She and
her intended husband, a captain of the army, together with a friend and
a poodle were taking a walk. The captain had been praising his dog’s
talents, and made a bet with his friend that the dog would find a thaler
laid under a bush now, he being sent back for it after their return home.
The bet was accepted. Directly after returning home the captain sent his
dog back for the money.

Now it so happened that a traveling tailor sat down to rest under that
very bush where the thaler was deposited, found the money and put it in
his pocket. When the poodle arrived he smelled the coin and fawned upon
the tailor. The man, highly pleased at having found a thaler and such an
amiable dog within an hour, took him to his stopping place in the town.
The poodle watched the tailor’s clothes all night, and when, early the
next morning, the door of the room was opened, he stole out, carrying the
tailor’s trousers with him and brought both them and the thaler to his
master.

This little adventure had been put into verse under the title: “The
Cunning and Serviceable Poodle,” and Haydn was asked now to put the text
to music. The lady added that she was poor, but having heard so much
of his generosity, she hoped the enclosed ducat would be considered
sufficient pay.

Haydn went to work at it at once, but returned the ducat to the young
lady in a letter, saying that as a punishment for not knowing him better,
and sending any money at all, she should knit him a pair of garters.
These garters, made of white silk with a hand-painted wreath of violets,
Haydn kept with his jewels in his treasure box.


Franz Schubert

For years Schubert could not find a publisher for even his most famous
compositions, such as the “Erlkoenig,” for instance. In 1823 some friends
and patrons published, at their own expense, the first twelve books of
songs—the same books that afterwards were to be found all over the world
and brought him thousands.


Schubert’s Facility

Schubert composed his songs with amazing facility. He composed his
charming “Serenade” on the window sill of a country tavern in less than
an hour. He was there on an excursion with a party of gay friends, who
were clamoring for something new. As soon as he had finished, they sang
it to the delight of all who were fortunate enough to be within hearing
distance.


Orpheus and His Followers

Several young wags were making fun of a musician, and said, among other
things, that he played like Orpheus.

“Very true,” said the musician, “I, too, seem to have a following of
beasts.”


Carpenter and Weber

Some time ago I asked B, my carpenter, why he was so downhearted.

“Well,” said he, “you know, sir, that my son Franz was to have been a
carpenter. He showed a good deal of talent for it, but now it’s all over.”

“How so?” I asked.

“It happened this way: We went to hear an opera the other night, and
such music as we heard! The angels in heaven could not sing any better,
and that music they said was made by one Weber. And now my boy won’t be
anything else but just such a Weber” (Weaver).


Singing by Sight

To the manager of the opera at K. came one day a young girl to be
examined for a position in the chorus. After she had sung a scale, he
asked her among other questions if she could sing by sight, to which she
replied: “Oh yes, if I know it by heart.”

“Are you at all musical?”

“Oh no; I am Catholic!”


Shoes Versus Music

The younger Pixis was to play at Hanover a concert of Mozart’s. His
father kept him hard at practicing, but he seemed listless and paid very
little attention to his playing. The elder Pixis, very anxious that all
his sons should succeed, chided him and said: “There is still time for
you to learn something else. If you do not care to make a virtuoso of
yourself, you might make a cobbler.”

“Well, what loss would that be,” replied the little fellow. “Anybody can
do without music, but not without shoes!”


They Knew Nothing

One time it occurred to a village organist, that by having some new
church music, he might not only glorify a coming festival, but cover
himself also with glory before his congregation. Telemann, the well-known
composer of sacred music, who lived in the near-by city of Gotha, should
compose it, and his colleagues from the surrounding villages with their
choirs, should help in the rendition of it. So to Telemann the ambitious
organist betook himself, and explained his errand. Now the composer
knew him and his _confrères_ as miserable bunglers, and made all sorts
of excuses, but the organist was persistent and would not be refused.
Telemann, partly angry, partly amused, asked at last what the text for
the cantata was to be. That the organist said he would leave to Telemann
to choose, a Bible text or something equally appropriate would do. The
composer finally consented, and asked him to arrange for the rehearsal,
to which he promised to come himself and bring some friends.

The morning of the festival brought Telemann and his friends. The scores
were distributed. For the text the composer had chosen the line: “We know
nothing against the Lord!” and had put it into a fugue.

“Now,” whispered Telemann to his friends, “listen to those fellows
confessing their sins!” The rehearsal began, and from all throats came,
like a tremendous wailing, “We—we—we know nothing—nothing—nothing—we
know nothing—know nothing—no”—until at last, the whole company having
shouted away for dear life—without suspecting anything wrong—was awakened
from their dream, by shouts of laughter from Telemann and his friends.
Then there was general consternation, the poor organist stood completely
crushed. “To be sure, this does not sound very well, gentlemen,” said
Telemann, and to comfort the crestfallen organist he drew from his pocket
another small cantata, which he and his friends rendered at the church.


A Lucrative Position

Goldmark, the composer of “The Queen of Saba,” while traveling one day,
found himself in a railway _coupé_ with a strange lady. A conversation
was soon started, and the composer introduced himself with these words:
“I am Goldmark, the composer of The Queen of Saba.”

“Ah,” replied the lady, who was not much versed in musical or theatrical
matters, “that must be a very lucrative position.”


Ludwig van Beethoven

Beethoven’s parents had him instructed in music at a very early age. When
he was only eight years old he played the violin so well as to astonish
all his hearers. In the little room under the roof, where he practiced,
he noticed one day a very large spider, leaving her web and coming close
to him to listen. By and by she grew so tame, that she came and sat first
on his desk, then on the artist, and finally made herself at home on
the arm which held the bow. Her interest spurred on the boy to do his
best, and helped not a little in his progress. One day, his aunt, who
filled his mother’s place, came into the little room, bringing a friend
who wished to hear the boy play. As he began, the spider came from her
corner and settled upon his arm. The aunt seeing the insect, pounced upon
her, and crushed her under her foot. Beethoven, horror-stricken at his
comrade’s fate, fell fainting to the floor.


He Beat the Emperor

Once while at court, Beethoven forgot himself so far as to beat the time
on the back of Emperor Francis. The monarch was not the least angry, and
often said smilingly, that one of his subjects had beaten him, without
being punished for it.


Brains Versus an Estate

Beethoven’s younger brother had, by extreme economy, saved enough to
purchase a country estate. One time he sent to his famous brother, just
to anger him, a New Year’s card with: “Johann van Beethoven, possessor
of a country estate;” to which polite action, he received the answer:
“Ludwig van Beethoven, possessor of brains.”


Forgot to Eat

Beethoven dined now and then at an inn on the flour-market at Vienna. One
day he came at half past two, and sat down in his lonely corner, without
greeting any of the guests present, a courtesy he had never before
omitted. The waiter who knew him, brought him a bottle of the ordinary
table wine which Beethoven usually drank, and put the menu before him.

The great composer broke his roll, pulled a notebook from his pocket,
leaned his head on his hand and remained in this attitude, writing now
and then in the book, until six o’clock in the evening. Suddenly he
jumped up and cried: “Waiter, I wish to pay my bill!”

“Oh, but your Honor has not eaten a thing to-day!”

“Haven’t I? Well, all right!” said Beethoven, and took his hat and went
out.


Beethoven’s Poverty

The great composer’s gruff, even repulsive manner, during the last years
of his life, was partly owing to his deafness and partly to the utter
ruin of his finances. He was not a good manager, and had the misfortune
to be robbed by those in his employ. He often lacked the necessities of
life. Ludwig Spohr, in the early days of his acquaintance with Beethoven
asked him once why he had not been to dinner at the inn for some days.
Had he been ill?

“No, but my boot was, and as I own only one pair, I had to stay at home.”


Beethoven’s Domestic Troubles

The best idea of his domestic misery is given in his diary, an extract
from which is here presented.

    1819. January 31:

    Dismissed the housekeeper, on account of her quick tongue and
    quicker temper.

    February 15:

    The new cook arrives.

    March 8:

    The cook has given two weeks’ notice. On the 22d the new
    housekeeper takes charge.

    April 14:

    Engaged a waitress at six gulden per month.

    April 20:

    The housekeeper gives notice, because she is no good.

    April 24:

    Bad day. Could not eat anything,—that is, there was nothing fit
    to eat, everything being spoiled, standing too long.

    May 16:

    Cook has given notice, because she ruined the dinner again.

    July 1:

    Enter a new cook. I wonder if she is good for anything!

Such was the great master’s domestic life.


Indifference to Dress and Fashion

That Beethoven paid no heed whatever to the world, its fashions or
its follies, during the time when he worked hardest, showed in his
appearance. For instance, he had not noticed that it had become the
fashion for men to wear lace frills on the front of their shirts. A
friend ordered some for him, so that he should appear well dressed. When
Beethoven saw the frills he wondered what they were for. “Oh,” he said,
“I suppose they are meant to keep me warm,” and tucked the beautiful
frills inside his vest.


Remedy for Ennui

When Liszt made his first trip to St. Petersburg, Russia had no
railroads, and he traveled over badly neglected roads in a heavily loaded
coach, with his secretary and valet. One day, not far from the small town
of P—— the coach broke down. Examination showed that it would take at
least two days to repair it. This forced Liszt to go to the hotel of the
town, a place that could neither offer him his accustomed comforts nor
luxuries nor anything in the way of amusements.

Liszt was then at the height of his triumphant career, and all the joys
and pleasures of life were his. To such a man the enforced rest in such
a poor place, must have been depressing. Under these circumstances it
was a happy thought that came to the secretary while reading a poem of
Alfred de Musset. In it the poet says: “La reméde au melancolique c’est
la musique.” “The remedy for melancholy is music.”

The artist was lying in an easy chair by the fire, watching the smoke
from his Havana, when the secretary proposed to kill time by giving some
concerts. Solely in the hope of getting a change and some diversion out
of it, Liszt laughingly consented. Quickly the necessary arrangements
were made and the concert was to be given on the following night in the
dancing hall of the hotel.

Now either the virtuoso’s fame had not penetrated so far, or else they
doubted that he was the genuine, great Liszt, for when the artist stepped
on the platform, he looked at a yawning gulf of empty chairs. About
fifteen persons were present.

Taking off his gloves, he looked smilingly at the little band of faithful
ones, then came forward and, in the amiable, merry way he had of talking,
he pointed out to them that the hall was cold and uncomfortable, while
his own sitting-room was warm and cozy. He took the liberty therefore to
ask those present to follow him and to take a little supper with him. And
offering his arm to the young lady sitting next to him he led the way,
while the rest followed not a little surprised, but full of curiosity.

With the help of his secretary and valet, he gave them quite a supper
with champagne, Liszt making a most fascinating host, and sitting down
to the piano unasked, he played for the mixed company some national
airs, which were jubilantly applauded. It was a highly enjoyable evening
for the guests and even more so for the host, who thanked his secretary
warmly.

The next evening the second concert took place, and the hall was crowded.
Whether they came in the hope of being invited to supper or whether
their interest in music was aroused is hard to decide. Liszt laughingly
inclined to the former. At any rate, the concert was a brilliant success,
the whole aristocracy of the neighborhood was present, greeting him
with storms of applause. After the concert, they overwhelmed him with
invitations, so that the great artist was obliged to extend his stay
to a week. He always recalled this as one of his merriest traveling
experiences.


Paganini and the Cab Driver

Among the great _maestro’s_ papers was found the following amusing story:
“One day,” Paganini begins, “I was wandering about the streets of Vienna,
when all of a sudden a thunder-storm came up. The rain came down in
torrents and seemed to increase every minute. For once I was alone, which
happened very rarely, as my valet generally accompanied me. I was very
far from my lodgings and already so wet, that I was beginning to fear for
my health. So I looked about for a cab. Three passed me, as the drivers
did not understand Italian, and I did not speak German. The fourth
stopped at my call, the driver was a countryman of mine.

“Before entering I asked his price. ‘Five gulden, the price of a ticket
to Paganini’s concert,’ he said.

“‘You rascal,’ I cried indignantly, ‘to ask five gulden for such a short
ride! Paganini plays on one string of his violin; you could hardly run
your cab on one wheel.’

“‘Oh, it isn’t so difficult as people think, to play on one string. I am
musical too, and I doubled the price of my fares to-day, in order to hear
the great violinist they call Paganini.’

“I said nothing more, entered the cab, and in ten minutes was at my
hotel. I gave the man the five gulden and also a ticket to my concert.
The next day just before the concert began, a great crowd was at the door
of the concert hall when I arrived, and one of the ushers called to me:
‘There is a dirty, uncouth-looking man at the door, who insists on being
admitted.’

“It was my driver of the day before, whom I permitted to enter in spite
of his appearance, hoping that he would lose himself in the crowd. But
when, at the beginning of the concert, I stepped on the platform, there
he was as close to me as he could get, among the elegantly dressed women
of the first row. The applause was enthusiastic; my driver’s knew no
bounds. Several times he had to be severely reproved for disturbing the
rest of the audience. I never had a more appreciative listener.

“Early the next morning he came to my rooms. ‘Sir,’ he said, in the most
respectful tone, ‘you can do me a great favor. I have a family, am poor,
and your countryman; you are wealthy and famous. You hold my fortune in
your hand.’

“‘What do you mean by that?’

“‘Permit me to put at the back of my cab the two words: “Paganini’s
cabriolet.”’

“‘Very well,’ said I laughingly, ‘you may put on it whatever you like.’

“That man was smarter than I thought. In a few months he was better known
at Vienna than myself; his Paganini cab created a sensation. He had great
good luck with it, for everybody wanted to ride in it and he charged good
prices.

“When I returned to Vienna two years later, my driver was the owner
of the hotel at which I had stayed, and an Englishman had bought the
cabriolet for one thousand pounds.”


Meyerbeer’s Preference

Meyerbeer’s nephew came to Rossini, to beg of him to listen to a funeral
march he had composed on the death of his uncle, and to pass his judgment
upon it.

After Rossini had listened patiently he said:

“That is all very well. Yet, I should like it better if you had died and
your uncle had composed the funeral march.”


Rossini and His Watch

The famous composer possessed a magnificent watch that his king had
presented to him. It was a repeater and also a musical watch, for it
played the _maestro’s_ prayer from “Moses in Egypt.” But not until after
he had owned it for six years, did he understand it fully. Rossini took
a boyish delight in showing it and making it play, and one day he did so
while in a café.

A stranger who sat near was attracted by the music, and just as Rossini
was going to put it back in his pocket, he stepped up to him and said:
“You have a very valuable watch there, sir, but I’ll wager that you do
not know all its capabilities.”

Rossini, much surprised said: “I have carried it now for six years, in
honor of my king. It has never varied one minute, it repeats the hour,
quarter-hour, tells the minutes and the day of the month, and plays as
you have just heard, the prayer from ‘Moses.’”

“And yet, I insist,” said the stranger smilingly, “that you do not know
your watch wholly. I’ll wager anything you like,—your watch against ten
thousand francs!”

“Oh, well, if you have ten thousand francs too many, I’ll take the bet,”
cried Rossini; “but now give me the proof of your assertion.”

“Very well,—the watch plays another piece of yours, master, and contains
your portrait besides.”

Speechless, Rossini saw that when the stranger touched a spring a lid
flew back, disclosing his portrait, while at the same time it played “Di
Tanti Palpiti” from “Tancred.”

“Good gracious!” he exclaimed, looking at his lost watch, “it is true,
you have won the wager; but how could I know?”

The stranger, laughing heartily, handed him back his treasure saying:

“I am the maker of this watch, Michel Plivée. The wager was made in fun,
but I am delighted, that you, the great _maestro_, take such pleasure in
my work.”


He Didn’t Mean It

The well-known pianist, Sophie Menter, delighted everybody with her
simple, natural ways. One day in Pesth, while in a company of artists
and lovers of art, Liszt among them, a young count, carried away by her
playing, cried enthusiastically,

“Mein Fräulein, I lay myself at your feet!”

“Well,” said Sophie Menter, stepping back and smiling roguishly, “go on,
lie down!”

“Oh, I did not mean it literally like that,” replied the count in
consternation.

“Now you see,” said the young girl seriously, “that you should never say
what you do not honestly mean.”


How a Fugue Was Made

Kirnberger, the son of a carpenter, was taught music at an early age. One
day he sat in a corner of his father’s workshop, poring over a task his
teacher had set him. Every now and then the boy would sigh deeply, and
rub his forehead vigorously. His father who had been watching him for
some time, at last asked:

“Well, my boy, what is the trouble?”

“Oh, father, I am to make a fugue, and I do not know how to begin!” Now
fugue, in German, means also the groove in a board.

“You silly fellow, why couldn’t you ask me. Come right here and I’ll show
you.” The good man took up a board, put his plane to it, and tried to
show to his son how a fugue was made.




CHAPTER VII

_For and About Travelers, Tourists, and Summer Boarders_


At the Railway Station

L:—“Ah, how do you do, my dear sir; where do you come from?”

D:—“From Karlsbad.”

L:—“Well, how did the waters agree with you?”

D:—“Not very well. I was there six weeks and am still as stout as ever.
Towards the last I drank fourteen cups of water a day, and still did not
lose anything to speak of.”

L:—“You should have gone to Wiesbaden. I was there only two days, didn’t
drink anything, and yet lost everything.”


Why He Curtained the Window

Tourist (to hotelkeeper):—“Will you tell me why you curtained the window
of my room from the outside?”

Host:—“Excuse me, sir, but you wanted a cheap room, without a view;
and as I had only this one with a view, but could not rent that at your
price, we just put the curtain on the outside.”


No Cause for Alarm

Stranger (at a mountain tavern):—“Say, mine host, what is that dreadful
rumbling noise above?”

Host:—“Dear me, I suppose the tavern is going to tumble down; it’s very
rickety. But that’s nothing. If it doesn’t kill us, we’ll build a new one
next year, and will hope to see you and your friends.”


Sticking to the Date

Official (to conductor, who is hours behind with his train):—“What made
you so late?”

Conductor:—“We don’t run by hours and minutes, we just stick to the date!”


A Tough Parrot

A gentleman farmer, from Pomerania, visited Vienna. At a bird dealer’s,
a talking parrot excited his greatest admiration. He paid two hundred
gulden for him and had him sent home to his friend Gela. After his return
he called on him and of course asked for the parrot. “Oh,” said his
friend, “many thanks for your kind attention. He was a little tough,
though.”

“What? the parrot?”

“Certainly, he had to be cooked for six hours.”

“What? Did you cook that parrot?”

“Why of course we did.”

“Gela, you are a fool. That was a trained bird; he could talk.”

“Well, why didn’t he say so?”


Always Demonstrating

Professor (on his wedding tour in the mountains):—“Don’t go too near that
precipice, Elise, you might fall down.”

Young wife (laughing):—“Oh no, I should take hold of that pine tree
there.”

Professor:—“That is a fir tree, my dear! Just see how careless you are!
You would take hold of a pine tree and when you got there, there would
not be one to hold onto!”


Characteristics of European Capitals

C. M. Oettinger gives in his magazine a humorous and striking
characteristic of the European capitals. Amsterdam trades; Aachen
conspires; Berlin talks fashions; Brussels debates; Dresden wonders;
Dublin begs; Edinburgh dreams; Florence stares; Frankfort counts; Genoa
laughs; Hamburg eats; Hanover sleeps; Cassel snores; Constantinople
bathes; Copenhagen adorns; Leipzig reads (but only the newspaper); Lisbon
works; Madrid smokes; Mainz waits for the Cardinal; Manchester packs;
Mannheim swears; Marseilles sings; Munich drinks beer; Naples perspires;
Palermo fans; Paris chats; Pesth talks; St. Petersburg is silent; Rome
prays; Stockholm is having a good time; Turin dresses up; Venice loves;
Warsaw sighs; Vienna digests.


That Depends

Lady (at a mountain resort):—“As a member of the Alpine Club, you can
tell me, I suppose, how many feet this mountain is above the level of the
sea?”

Gentleman:—“That—that is difficult to ascertain, as the height changes
with the tide.”


On a Steamer Between Lauterburg and Worms

Stranger (who sees the Rhine for the first time and has been told that
the famous Rhine wine comes from these parts):—“Ah, how delighted I am to
see this great river, from which they make that fine Rhine wine you get
here!”


Effective

1st letter. Wife (from a summer resort):—“How I long for a few lines from
your hand!” (No answer.)

2d letter. “I am very much worried about you, do write!” (No answer.)

3d letter. “I am devoured with anxiety about you; it will kill me!” (No
answer.)

4th letter. “If I do not hear from you by to-morrow, I shall come home!”

Telegram. “Stay where you are. I am well and happy! Your husband.”


Counted Everything Twice

Guest (to his host):—“Look here, Herr Ochsenwirth, my bill cannot
possibly be so much. There must be a mistake.”

Host:—“Not possible, sir, since I counted everything twice.”


She Struck It

Tourist (to a farmer’s wife):—“Well, my good woman, where is your husband
to-day? Isn’t he at home?”

“No, he’s up on the Alps.”

“Aren’t you afraid to be all alone?”

“Goodness no! I am always glad when he is gone, then I have some peace!”

“But, my dear woman, you ought not to say that! Man and wife belong
together. I am always glad when my wife is at home.”

“Yes, while you are gadding about!”


Constant Change

Stranger:—“How high is this mountain?”

Guide:—“My father always said eight thousand five hundred feet. But you
can’t depend upon that; father died thirty-eight years ago, and since
that time lots of things have changed.”


On the Alps

“Look here, guide; on that signpost down below, it says it takes one hour
to come up here, and it has taken us almost three!”

“I know that, but if we put that on the signpost not a decent feller
would come up here.”


A Striking Resemblance

Countess (who has returned to her estate in the mountains for the
summer):—“Well, Sepp, are you all glad to see me back again?”

Sepp:—“Oh my, yes! When you are not here the castle looks to us like an
Alp without the cattle.”


How to Secure Notoriety

Stranger:—“Why don’t you put a railing along this dreadful abyss?”

Guide:—“Well, you know the more strangers that fall down there, the more
famous the abyss becomes!”


Complimentary

Captain (to ladies on a steamer):—“Ladies, please do not look so long at
the compass, your magnetic eyes will spoil the course!”


Running Water

Summer boarder:—“You said you had running water in the yard, but I can
see only a pump.”

Farmer:—“You just pull a little and it runs!”


A Scarcity of Something

Traveler:—“Milk must be very scarce around here that you ask so much for
it?”

Hostess:—“The milk is not scarce at all, sir, but travelers are!”


Ruin Enough

Wife (at a watering place):—“Well, dear Emil, shall we stay here on the
promenade or climb up to the ruin?”

Husband:—“What should I climb up to the ruin for? To have to stay here
four weeks is ruin enough for me!”


Flooded

A lady who had been to Italy for the first time was asked, after her
return, how she liked Venice. “Oh, quite well,” she answered, “I was only
unfortunate in finding the whole place flooded.”


Marking the Spot

She (in a railway carriage):—“Why, Albert, what are you doing there? You
are cutting into the window sill!”

He:—“I’m only marking the place where we had the most beautiful view.”


A Drawback to Wealth

“But mamma, why are we so afraid of a thunder-storm? The other people on
the beach don’t seem to be frightened. No others are running home as we
are!”

“Why, child, those are poor people. They don’t draw the lightning as we
do, who always have a lot of gold and silver about us.”


Appreciative Tourist

“Have you been away during vacation, Doctor?”

“Yes, I was in Thüringen, gracious Frau, in Eisenach, and on the
memorable Wartburg.”

“On the Wartburg! Ah, I remember; isn’t that where they have the
beautiful waiting-rooms?”


Prays for All Poor Sinners

“Where are you going, Rosel?”

“To mass.”

“Do you pray there for everybody, myself included?”

“Oh yes, your Honor; I pray for all poor sinners.”


What a Pity

Owner of a villa:—“What do you think of these pine woods—this spicy odor!
You have, perhaps, a consumptive in your family?”

Gentleman:—“No, thank God!”

Owner:—“What a pity!”


The Altitude of the Depth

Guide (descending with a party into a deep abyss):—“So, now around the
corner, and a few hundred feet further down. Then we will have reached
the altitude of the depth!”


Couldn’t Hear the Waterfall

Guide:—“When the ladies are through talking, your Honor will be able to
hear the waterfall over there!”


Beautiful Sunsets

Stranger:—“You are a happy people up here in the mountains; you always
have the beautiful spectacle of the rising and setting sun before you!”

Farmer:—“Yes; but excuse me, doesn’t that happen in the city, too?”


Soft and Tender

Clerk (on the Rigi):—“Gracious, how this glorious sunset makes a fellow
feel soft and tender. Just now they are closing the offices at home in
Frankfort!”


Misunderstood

Physician (to a newly-arrived guest at a water-cure):—“The nature of your
illness requires that you follow the rules here strictly. Drink three
glasses of water every morning; after each glass, walk for half an hour.
Exercise is the main thing. Strict diet’! Three cigars a day: one after
breakfast, one after dinner, one after supper. Come to see me again in
three days.”

Physician (after three days):—“Well, how does the cure agree with you?”

Guest:—“Thank you, Doctor; so far, quite well. If I only did not feel so
sick afterwards.”

Physician:—“Feel sick? After what? Doesn’t the water agree with you?”

Guest:—“Oh yes, that isn’t it, but the cigars—I never smoked before!”


The East Wind

Guide:—“Yes, sir; it is an immense advantage to us that we nearly always
have an east wind.”

Stranger:—“Is that statistic?”

Guide:—“I have kept an account of it for years.”

Stranger:—“But pardon me, if you will look at the weather vane on that
tower you will see that the wind is west.”

Guide:—“Oh, well, that’s the east wind coming back.”


Frozen Music

Banker:—“If architecture is said to be frozen music, what would you call
a Sennhütte?” (a hut on the Alps).

Professor:—“Why, a frozen Schnadahüpfel (senner’s song), my dear friend!”


Need Not be Told

Nervous lady (to the boatman before the famous echo on the
Königssee):—“Won’t you please tell me when they are going to shoot?”

Boatman:—“You’ll hear it soon enough, I won’t have to tell you first!”


Cheap Pleasure

A:—“I can’t understand why people always complain about mountain
excursions being so expensive. I just took a two days’ trip again, and
except for a bowl of milk, I didn’t spend a cent.”

B:—“What are you giving me, why you must have starved!”

A:—“Why of course not. I had a cold roast goose, a dozen hard-boiled
eggs, a piece of ham, and two bottles of wine, with me. You don’t starve
on that!”


No Need of Cows

Stranger (to his host, a peasant on the Alps):

“Your butter is certainly very poor.”

“If you please, it’s our own butter!”

“Why, you just told me you had sold all your cows.”

“Does the gentleman think we are so far behind the times, that we need
cows to make our own butter?”


Had His Choice

Guide (on the summit of the Alps):—“Look out, your Honor; if you fall
down backward, you will be buried at Partenkirchen; and if you fall
forward, at Lermos!”


A New Driver

Tourist (to guide):—“What will the team cost for the trip?”

“Seven gulden.”

“That is too much. Here in my Bädeker it says: Trip including a tip, five
gulden.”

“Well, then you just let Bädeker drive you!”


Wanted a Cheap Bath

Economical stranger (at a bathing establishment):—“How much do you charge
for a bath?”

Cashier:—“One mark.”

Stranger:—“Couldn’t you fix one for me for half a mark? You might give me
a little less water!”


At Home on the Lake

Stranger (on the lake):—“You had better row ashore, my man; the waves are
getting very high; the boat might upset, and I should be lost!”

Boatman:—“You need not be afraid, sir; I am at home on the water. A
stranger was drowned here only last week, but we found his body the very
next day.”


Imported Air

“I am surprised that the air in this miserable town is so fine! I wonder
how it is!”

“That comes from the quantity of Swiss cheese that’s consumed here!”

“Why, what has that to do with it?”

“Well, just think what immense quantities of Swiss air are imported
yearly, in the pores of that cheese!”


A New Flavor

Guest:—“I had two portions of coffee for breakfast; how much?”

Waiter:—“Beg pardon, sir, did you have it with or without sunrise?”


A Matter of Looks

A guest comes to a country tavern and asks for a glass of beer and a
piece of cheese. As the latter does not look very appetizing, he calls
the host and asks him to bring a nicer piece. He simply turns the slice
over, so that the better looking side is turned up and says: “There you
are!”


Flattered

Author (at a mountain inn, reading a fresh newspaper, left by a
newcomer):—“... What! the King of Haïti is thinking of getting
married?... Hm, hm! I wonder if he has read my article on the necessity
of marrying!”




CHAPTER VIII

_On Cycling_


Street Scene of the Future

Ordinance: Every foot passenger will carry a visible number and will ring
a bell on approaching a cycler. Riding and driving strictly forbidden.


Luck

Cycler (passing a carriage on the road):—“And still there are
cabs—to-day, when the cycle rules the world! They are a funny sight!...
Of course an old woman is in it; who else would use one of those
antediluvian vehicles?”

(Half an hour later, he and his wheel have been picked up by the occupant
of that carriage, both badly bruised and battered):—“What luck, that this
cab came along! I wonder how I would have gotten home without it!”


Lies Elsewhere

Lady (on her wheel, meeting the Herr Förster, an acquaintance):—“Please,
Herr Förster, in what direction does Lahnberg lie? I am riding there to
meet my husband who is on his new wheel.”

“Lahnberg lies about two miles from here on the road to the right—your
husband lies to the left.”


A Pair of Them

A:—“How is your wife?”

B:—“I see her very seldom now.”

A:—“Why, how is that?”

B:—“Well, you see, she always sits behind me on the tandem.”


Effect

Piano repairer:—“It’s strange that every week a pedal gets broken on this
piano.”

Footman:—“It’s because our young lady rides a wheel all day.”


Too Early to Talk

(Two wheelmen, one of whom is a beginner, pass each other.)

A:—“I see you are getting on very well!”

B:—“Oh yes, for so short a time, I—(falls from his wheel)—you know, my
friend, I ought not to talk yet!”


Wouldn’t Appear Ridiculous

Policeman (to a cycler):—“In this street cycling is forbidden; get off at
once!”

Cycler:—“My name is Meyer, policeman, and I live Tulpenplatz 277. Send
for the fine—but don’t make me look ridiculous before all these people. I
can neither mount nor get off by myself; I can only ride.”


Each to His Need

Waitress (calling into the kitchen at a country tavern):—“For the
gentleman vegetarian a little green fodder, and for his steel horse a
drop of oil!”


What Papa Brought Home from His Trip

Papa (bringing his wheel in):—“Come here, wifey, and bring all the
children! Now, all of you open your mouths wide, I am going to open the
pneumatic tubes, that I filled on the Arlberg with delicious mountain air
for you!”


A New Word

A:—“Who is that gentleman in that sporty costume?”

B:—“That is a teacher of cycling.”

A:—“Oh, a sort of velocipedagogue.”




CHAPTER IX

_Authors, Scientists, Artists, and other Celebrities_


Immanuel Kant and His Hostess

The great philosopher was extremely careful about his dress. One day,
having donned a new suit, he went for a walk, and in passing a house a
careless servant threw some dish-water on him. He expressed his anger
in a very lively fashion and went at once into the house from which the
girl had come. The daughter of the house received him with many excuses,
assuring him that all damage might be avoided if he would permit her to
wash the spots off at once. Kant kept on scolding until the young woman
had removed all traces of the mishap. She, who knew him very well, asked
his name just for mischief, and when he had told her she said: “I am
delighted, to have had this occasion to meet you.”

“I too am pleased to have made your acquaintance,” replied Kant, “but not
with the occasion that brought it about.”

“Oh, but it is just the occasion that pleases me so much,” said the
young woman, “for if anybody accuses me of vanity after this, because
I am very particular about my clothes, I shall tell them that I am
following the example of the great Kant.”


The Church Steeples

At an evening company a number of anecdotes were told of some great man.
“I remember to have heard similar anecdotes of other great men,” said
Kant, “but that is not surprising; great men are like church-steeples,
around both is generally a great deal of wind.”


Goethe as a Skater

One day Goethe made one of a skating party. His mother and a friend were
sitting in a sleigh watching the skaters. Goethe came up to them, took
his mother’s long cloak off, hung it around himself, darted to and fro on
the ice, cutting the funniest capers for some time before he brought it
back to her.


Goethe as a Ghost

Goethe often bathed at night in the Ilm. One beautiful summer night, when
the moon shone full on the poetic swimmer, a countryman on his way to
Upper-Weimar, wanted to make a short cut, by climbing over the gate of
the castle’s bridge. Goethe saw him and in one of his mad moods, which
set Weimar so often in commotion, he uttered the most unearthly yells and
shrieks, while jumping up and down in the water. Those terrible sounds
coming from a white figure with long, floating black hair, terrified the
countryman so much, that he turned and fled as if possessed.


Goethe’s Gallantry

One evening Wieland was reading aloud to a large company, assembled at
the country house of the Dowager Duchess Amelia of Tiefurth. The reigning
Duke, who had been out hunting, came in during the reading, found the
room too warm and opened one of the windows. Some ladies thinly clad
sat close to it. Goethe observing that they suffered, tiptoed to the
window and shut it softly. The Duke turning around, saw that some one had
resisted his wish. “Who has shut the window, that I opened?” he asked
the servants, but not one dared to mention the culprit. Goethe however,
stepped forward and with an arch gravity said: “Your Highness has the
power of life and death over all your subjects. Upon me let judgment and
sentence be pronounced.” The Duke laughed, but the window was not opened
again.


Goethe or the Devil

Of another evening’s reading, Falk von Muller relates: Goethe had
come in, unnoticed by anybody, and sat down close to the reader, with
his back turned to the audience. After a while he offered to read. At
first everything went beautifully; then he began to extemporize and his
exuberant spirits getting the better of him, he put everybody out of
countenance in one way or another. In a little fable, in doggerel verses,
he likened me wittily enough, to a worthy turkey-hen, that sits on a
great heap of eggs of her own and other people’s, and hatches them with
great patience, but to whom it sometimes happens to have a china egg put
under her instead of a real one, a trick at which she takes no offense.

“That is either Goethe or the devil,” cried I to Wieland, who sat
opposite to me at the table.

“Both,” replied he; “he has the devil in him again to-day and he is like
a wanton colt, that flings out before and behind, and you do well not
to go too near him.” Years after, we often laughed over that evening’s
performance.


Schiller’s Witty Reply

When a youth, Schiller learned to play the harp. A neighbor who did not
like him, said to him one day: “Herr Schiller, you play the harp like
David, only not as well.” “And you,” Schiller replied, quickly, “talk
like Solomon, only not so wisely.”


Schiller’s Birthplace

In a company the conversation turned to Schiller. One lady confessed she
did not know where Schiller was born. “For goodness sake, keep still,
don’t let anybody hear you,” said her friend; “have you not read the
poem: ‘I, too, was born in Arcadia’?”


The Difference

Bishop Ross, famous for his brilliant wit and fine humor, was discussing
with some friends a new book, “Thoughts about Time and Eternity,” when
some one, who found fault with the title, asked him to explain to him the
difference between time and eternity. “If I took the time to explain that
to you, it would take me an eternity to make you understand it,” was the
bishop’s answer.


An Appropriate Text

During a celebration at Berlin, followed by the distribution of some
orders, an old general asked Count Ross whether it was not very hard
for clergymen always to find an appropriate Bible text, for sermons on
special occasions. “Not as hard as you think,” replied the bishop, “we
have our concordance and other books of help, which never fail us.”

“What text would be proper for the present celebration?”

“Oh, that is not hard; you will find it at the beginning of St. Matthew,
at the birth of Christ, where the evangelist says of the three wise men:
‘And when they saw _the star_, they rejoiced with exceeding great joy.’”


A Flash of Wit

Carl Lachmann was famed for his witty answers. In 1828 he was called
to Berlin as rector of the University. One time he was presiding at a
meeting of the faculty. It had grown late and pretty dark, when H., the
dean of the theological department, entered. On seeing him, Lachmann
called to the usher: “Herr Schade, have the lights brought; darkness has
entered.”


The Other Half

A colleague, who had married a wealthy woman, and who liked to show off,
asked Lachmann: “What do you think the addition to my house has cost me?”

“Half,” was the dry, curt answer.


A Grave Joke

When a friend informed him of the death of the minister of finances,
Lachmann said seriously: “Yes, death comes easy enough to such as he, but
the likes of us must first give up his soul.”


Linné’s Revenge

Linné, the great naturalist, followed the principle of never taking
notice of criticism. His bitterest opponent was Browall—a small light
beside the great scientist. At first Browall’s behavior was very humble
and modest, so Linné called a plant, of which only one species was known
at that time “Browallia demissa” (demure or modest Browallia). Later on,
after Browall had been advanced, he acted the high and mighty towards
Linné, and he, having found a second species of his plant called it,
“Browallia elata” (elated Browallia). At this Browall was very angry
and wrote a great number of excited articles against Linné, who avenged
himself further by naming a third species of the plant “Browallia
alienata” (alienated Browallia). In this way he certainly took a lasting
revenge, for this anecdote will live as long as botany lives.


Never Drank Water

When the poet Hagedorn was mortally ill, he asked his physician, what his
illness was.

“Water, my dear Hagedorn, too much water in your breast.”

“Why, that’s entirely impossible,” replied Hagedorn; “I never drank, in
all my life, a whole glass of water.”


A Great Advantage

A professor once undertook the hard task of translating Virgil into Greek
and publishing it. In the announcement of his work he said: “_In gratiam
corum, qui Latinam linguam non callent_” (For the benefit of those who do
not understand Latin).


Thorwaldsen’s Teeth

A well-known sculptor quarreled one day with Thorwaldsen, and went so
far as to place his own works above those of the latter. “You may tie
my hands,” said Thorwaldsen, “and I will bite the marble with my teeth
better than you can chisel it!”


Gone Crazy

A scientist asserts that all effervescent drinks, such as champagne, are
nothing but fluids, gone crazy over the treatment they received at the
factories, and foaming with rage.


Anything But His Medicine

Gottfried Kneller, a celebrated portrait painter, had a beautiful
flower-garden. His neighbor, Dr. Ratcliff’s servant, came in so often to
get flowers, that Kneller grew angry, and sent word to the doctor that he
felt obliged to close up the gate. Ratcliff sent answer that he could do
with it what he pleased, only he would not advise him to paint on it.

“Good,” said Kneller, “I’ll take anything of his as long as it is not
medicine.”


Failed to Appreciate the Laugh

When the celebrated Professor Gesenius announced a lecture on the first
book of Moses (Genesis) his always well-filled auditorium was crowded.
All the students were waiting impatiently for what was to come. Punctual
to the minute, Gesenius appeared, and opened his lecture with these
words: “Gentlemen, the Genesis is not as old as you think.” This was
the signal for shouts of laughter from his entire audience, but which
was not meant to offend their honored lecturer, and we do not know
whether he ever heard the reason for this merriment. Gesenius had five
daughters, whom the students designated by the names of the five books
of Moses—Genesis, Exodus, etc. The oldest was Genesis. Hinc ille risus!
(Hence that laughter.)


Crebillon’s Choice

Crebillon was once asked why he chose the terrifying for the subjects of
his tragedies. “I had no other choice left,” he replied. “Corneille took
Heaven from me; Racine the Earth (world); so all that was left for me was
Hades.”


Absent-minded

Neander, the great church historian, wanted a book that was on top of a
high book shelf in his study. The step-ladder was not high enough, so he
climbed from that to the top of the high, square porcelain stove to reach
the coveted treasure. He dived into it at once, and grew so absorbed in
the contents that he forgot to come down from his perch. His sister,
Neander’s Hannchen, waited in vain for him to come to the afternoon
coffee. Anxiously she hurried to the study but she did not discover him.
Seeing the step-ladder leaning against the stove, and being of an orderly
turn of mind, she put it in its place. Concluding that her brother must
have gone out, she went back to her room.

But when hour after hour went by, and evening came, and Neander had not
appeared, she grew quite alarmed. What dreadful thing might have happened
to him! In the meantime he—who was so painfully missed—found that it was
getting too dark on top of the stove to read any longer, so he concluded
to come down from his high seat. But, alas! his retreat was cut off! In a
distressed voice he called for his Hannchen, who delightedly hurried to
his relief.


A Hard “Not”

A young author once handed to Professor Engel a drama, whose title was,
“Such is Humanity,” asking him to give his opinion of it. Engel returned
it shortly, saying: “I wrote my opinion down on it.” The author for some
time looked in vain for the written criticism, but at last he found that
Engel had added to the title the little word “not.”


A Frank Answer

Emperor Karl V, once asked Michel Angelo what he thought of Albrecht
Dürer. The great painter answered: “If I were not Michel Angelo, I would
rather be Albrecht Dürer than Karl V.”


Unbiased Opinion

Count D., a collector and somewhat conceited connoisseur of paintings,
had a landscape in his gallery which he considered a great masterpiece.
He showed it to a celebrated painter, asking his opinion of it, with
these words: “Several people to whom I have shown it insist that it is a
copy, but I’m blessed if I don’t horsewhip the next fellow who says so.
Now, my dear friend, I want you to give me your candid opinion of it!”


An Interesting Pose

A young man wished to have his portrait painted.

“How do you wish to pose?” asked the artist.

“With a book in my hand, reading aloud.”


Altruism

A critic once boasted in company, of the power of his pen, and said,
among other bright things, that artists owed their fame to him, as he
distributed it.

“Indeed you do,” replied a witty woman, “and so generously, that there is
not a particle left for yourself.”


Both May Be Mistaken

Voltaire, while living at Berlin, once praised the poet Haller very much.
A gentleman present said: “You praise Haller, while he expresses himself
very differently about you.”

“You are right,” returned Voltaire, “but possibly we are both mistaken.”


Very Slow

“What,” cried a young physician, seeing Voltaire drink coffee late at
night, “you drink coffee? Why, coffee is a slow poison!”

“I believe you are right there; it must be a slow poison,” replied
Voltaire, pouring out another cup, “since I have enjoyed it daily, for
about sixty years.”


Stars in the Wrong Places

The great but timid astronomer, Schubert, once acted very awkwardly at
a court function. Some one remarked how strange it was to see a great
man like that act so strangely. A wag said sarcastically: “It, no doubt,
confuses him to see so many stars in the wrong places,” referring to the
medals on the gentlemen’s breasts.


All Score

Gellert, the writer of a number of our most beautiful hymns, wrote the
following, of Haller’s poem “The Origin of Evil”:

    “I read The Origin of Evil, in our Haller’s works,
    And determined, with some scores,
    To mark all interesting places.
    I read, I scored, read on, enjoyed it more,
    And when I finished, lo, it was all—score.”


Grillparzer and Hebbel

It would be hard to find two more different natures than those two
authors and poets. Hebbel was a giant, full of self-consciousness and
spiritual pride, classing himself with Shakespeare. Grillparzer was
simple, painfully modest and retiring.

While both were at Vienna, Grillparzer was invited to meet Hebbel, at an
evening company, which honor he declined with the following words:

“I have a great respect for what he writes, but, you see, I don’t feel
at home near him. I am truly afraid of him. He is too clever for me. He
often starts queer subjects to converse about. He is, for instance, fully
capable of asking you: ‘What is God?’ Well, I don’t know, but he does.
Now, since I cannot argue with him, I should have to sit there like a
mute.”


A Sad Waste

Kästner once criticised a book like this:—“This book is printed on the
worst kind of paper. What a pity to waste so much good paper!”


Slightly Misunderstood

A stranger in München asked a gentleman where the painter Kaulbach lived.

“Kaulbach? The painter Kaulbach?” said he. “I don’t know the man, but if
you need a painter, I can recommend painter X. very much; he painted my
landlord’s doors and windows very well and very cheap.”


Gotthold Ephraim Lessing

“Your book is full of donkey ears again,” said his father to the little
Lessing.

“Why father, that book has a perfect right to donkey ears,” answered the
future great dramatist and critic.


Forgot to Count the Money

Lessing once had a servant, of whose honesty he was warned repeatedly.
For a long time he paid no attention to this, but finally he concluded
to test the man. He told a friend that he had left some money on the
table, to see whether their suspicions were well founded. “But did you
count how much you put there?” asked the friend who knew Lessing’s
absent-mindedness. Lessing looked at him startled; the need of counting
it had never occurred to him.


Who He Was

One day Lessing entered an inn and sat down to write. The host came and
asked him who he was. Lessing, intent on his writing, did not answer.
Then the landlord came close to his side, looked over his paper and asked
again harshly: “Who are you, sir; I wish to know!” Lessing turned around
and said very seriously: “I am Lucas the Evangelist.” The saint, be it
remembered, is always painted with an ox at his side.


Called Him Names

While Lessing was with Lichtenberg in Göttingen, they talked one time
about genius. Lichtenberg said: “You are a genius!” To which Lessing
replied: “I feel tempted to box the ears of anybody who calls me names
like that.”


Absent-minded Men

Theodor Mommsen, the genial historian, when working, was oblivious to
everything that happened about him. Once he had a servant who knew well
how to take advantage of this. He served his master’s dinner in the
study, and asked him to come to the table, but the professor paid not the
slightest attention to him. A bright idea came to the man. He served the
second course, took away the first, and ate it himself. He did the same
with the second and third courses.

A few hours later, the professor began to feel the want of food, and
going to the kitchen he asked, angrily: “Am I not to have anything to
eat to-day?” “Why the professor has dined long ago,” answers the servant
unblushingly, and Mommsen, cursing his absent-mindedness, went back to
his work again.


Force of Habit

There are absent-minded physicians too. The physician of one of the
princes was so busy, that he never found time to take care of his own
health. Finally a virulent fever took hold of him. Absent-mindedly he
felt his own pulse and muttered: “The fellow is lost; that comes from the
stupidity of people who never will call in a doctor till it is too late.”


Will Call Again

The great Lessing too was often absent-minded in the last years of his
life. One evening he knocked at his own house door. The servant not
recognizing him in the dark called from a window: “The professor is not
at home.”

“All right, it does not matter,” returned Lessing, “I’ll call again some
other time.”


Saphiriana

(_How the great humorist came by his name._)

Saphir’s grandfather’s name was Israel Israel. Emperor Joseph ordered
that all Jews should take a permanent surname. Old Israel, when summoned
before the magistrate was very undecided, so the man of law and justice,
in order to make short work of it, said: “You are wearing a ring with a
sapphire. Your name shall be Saphir. That settles it. No contradicting
or——”

This “or” was accompanied by a certain look at two policemen. So this
“or” is the cause of the humorist’s name.


Lend and Forget

Saphir was once asked by Baron Rothschild to write something in his
album. Saphir wrote: “Lend me 100 Louis d’or and forget, forever your
friend,

                                                            M. G. SAPHIR.”


Saphir’s Witty Reply

An indifferent, but very arrogant author said once:—“My works will be
read when Schiller and Goethe are long forgotten.”

“Certainly, not before that,” was Saphir’s quick reply.


Case Not Parallel

Once an author came to Saphir with the manuscript of a comedy he wished
to read to him, and said:—“You know, sir, that whenever Molière finished
one of his comedies, he read it to an old woman in his service, thinking
that whatever would make her laugh, would have the same effect on an
audience. So in reading mine to you, I have no doubt that if it pleases
you, it will please the public.” “Thanks for your compliment, but since
you are not Molière, permit me to decline to play your old woman,” was
Saphir’s reply.


A Painter’s Stick

Some one spoke of a clever young woman, who had great talent for
painting, and who had recently married a fool. “If she does a great deal
of painting,” said Saphir, “I am not surprised that she took a stick!”


According to His Need

Saphir once had a wordy battle with an author. The latter, who envied
the famous humorist, said: “You write for money only, while I write for
honor.” “Every one of us writes for what he needs most,” was Saphir’s
rejoinder.


Heinrich Heine

The first great wave of admiration brought to Heine also a host of
cavillers and doubters of his genius.

Young Levin, brother of Rahel Varnhagen, once told Heine, partly in
fun, partly seriously, that his poems particularly, did not deserve the
extravagant praise everybody bestowed on them, and that their chief charm
lay in the quick transition from the highly pathetic to the trivial, and
that anybody who had caught the trick could imitate them very easily.

“Well, compose a poem à la Heine,” said the poet laughingly. “I am not
afraid of your competition.”

Next day his friend returned, handing him the manuscript of a lyric poem:

    “Sie gab mir bei ihren Tode
      Ein blasses, blaues Band—
    Es liegt in meiner Commode
      Im Schube rechter hand.”

    (“She gave me while dying
      A pale blue bow—
    In my desk it is lying
      To this day, just so!”)

This was what Heine read, and falling on his friend’s neck in comical
despair, cried:—“If you publish that I am lost!” declaring himself
vanquished by this pretended take-off.


To the End

During the last days of his life, a friend visited him at Paris, and
entered just as two nurses carried him to a fresh bed.

“How are you, Heinrich?” asked his friend.

“Very well,” replied Heine; “you see the women still carry me on their
hands.”


Alexander von Humboldt

When Humboldt was made honorary citizen of Berlin, he made the customary
visits of thanks to all the city fathers. In his round he came to the
house of an elderly councilman, who hurried down-stairs in his lounging
robe and received his distinguished guest at the carriage door, with the
explanation that he would never permit the venerable gentleman to climb
the stairs in his behalf. At the same time, he was not going to deny
himself the honor of a conversation. So he climbed into the carriage,
exchanged with Humboldt for a quarter of an hour the usual courtesies,
and ended his visit by slipping back into his house, calling to the
coachman “to go on.”


A Famous Climber

While living at Paris, Heine’s apartments were on the fifth floor.
One day on returning home, his wife met him at the door and told him
reproachfully that an old gentleman had been there to see him; she
was very sorry that the poor old man had climbed all those stairs for
nothing. Heine looked at the visiting card. “You may comfort yourself,
dear child; that man has climbed way above us.” It was the card of
Alexander von Humboldt.


An Unexpected Find

One afternoon Humboldt was walking through one of the markets at
Berlin, when his eye was attracted to one of the stalls, where a pair
of beautiful pistols, inlaid with mother of pearl and of rare old
workmanship, were exhibited. He bought them at the price of ten thalers,
and on his return home he made the interesting discovery that one of the
papers used for wrapping was a leaf from an old “book on herbs,” the
work of one of the earliest printers. To save from utter destruction
a priceless treasure, Humboldt returned at once into the region of
second-hand clothes-shops. For some time he could not find the man who
had sold him the pistols, as all the dealers thought he had come to
return them. Only when he declared that he had come to return a thaler
given to him above his change, they all came from their shops, surrounded
him and clamored for the money. They grew so offensive that Humboldt
raised his pistols, which had the effect of making them take to their
heels and also brought the real former owner, who told him to put the old
shooting irons in his pocket, as they were not loaded, and to give him
the money. Humboldt followed him into his shop and asked for the book
from which the leaf was torn. He soon discovered that with the exception
of a few leaves, the book bound in pigskin was intact, and one of the
rarest of its kind. Asked for the price of the book, the dealer in old
clothes took a pair of patched trousers from a hook and said:—“Give me
four thalers and you shall have this beautiful pair of trousers into
the bargain. You will look swell in them next Sunday.” The bargain was
closed, but Humboldt declined the addition of old clothes. Whenever the
great naturalist afterwards showed the treasures of his library to his
friends, he never omitted to tell the story of how he acquired the “book
on herbs.”


Murder Will Out

Having just recovered from a severe illness, the amiable author of fairy
tales, Musäus, was invited out to a dinner. Everybody there was pleased
to see him looking so well, and congratulated him on his recovery; but
at last his wife could keep silent no longer and confessed that he only
looked so well, because he had used her rouge when dressing.

“Well, the murder is out,” said Musäus; “do you feel better now? Yes, I
did paint myself red, because I dislike being pitied on account of my
illness, and would rather be envied for my healthy looks. But since my
wife is such a tell-tale, I shall not keep silent either, and will tell
you of a bright remark she made, a short time ago, while we were driving
to Erfurt. We were passing a field of flax in full bloom and I said: ‘See
how beautifully blue the flax is!’ At this my wife points to the field
next to it and says, just to show her extraordinary knowledge of farming:
‘Yes, but the _tow_ in the next field is looking fine too.’”


Johann Heinrich Pestalozzi

One day the great pedagogue was obliged to borrow five hundred gulden
from his friend, the burgomaster of Aarau. On his way home to Neuhof, he
met a poor man, who told him that his barn had burned down and that he
had been to Aarau to borrow the money to rebuild it, but had met with
no success. What was the philanthropist to do! He gave the man the five
hundred gulden. Of course it was necessary to return to his friend and
borrow the same sum over again, and also to ask him to look the family
up, but—now he came to think of it—he had never even asked the man’s name.


Taken for a Tramp

Several times Pestalozzi, on account of his negligent appearance,
was taken for a tramp and locked up, once at Bern, and later on at
Solothurn; at both places he was taken to the hospital. At Bern, Baron
von Fellenberg, to whom he sent a note, hastened to the hospital to
explain the error made and secure his release. Pestalozzi comforted his
distressed friend by telling him that he had had a very good bed and
an excellent soup. In Solothurn, they put him in a room with a barred
window, from which, luckily, he saw the friend he was to visit, and
by calling to him, told him of his plight. “But, for goodness’ sake,
Pestalozzi, what did they lock you up for?” asked his liberator.

“Oh well,” replied he, “they took me for a fool or a rogue.”


Caught for a Thief

Another time Pestalozzi was caught by a guard, just as he had climbed
into an orchard and picked up a fallen pear. The looks of the poorly
dressed stranger justified the man’s action, who collared him and took
him to the village lock-up which was in the schoolhouse. As luck would
have it, the magistrate had read Pestalozzi’s “Lienhart and Gertrud,”
and set the author at liberty with many excuses. On leaving the
great pedagogue said: “In future, do not lock up old rogues in your
schoolhouse or you will have young ones come from it.”


His Awkwardness

One day Pestalozzi was at a large dinner. He wished to be gallant, and,
on offering a dish to his neighbor on the right, a lady dressed very
elaborately, emptied the contents of it over her silk dress. To excuse
himself he rose, and his hasty movement caused his spur to catch in
the dress of his neighbor to the left, tearing it badly. This was more
than he could stand. With one bound he rushed to the door, hurried
down-stairs, out to the stable, mounted his horse and galloped off.


Melanchthon’s Hobby

Philipp Melanchthon’s hobby was palmistry. One day he dined with one of
Wittenberg’s councilmen. The infant of the family was shown to him, and
Melanchthon was ready at once to prove his skill. He took the tiny hand
and said: “This child will be a great theologian.”

“What a pity that it is a girl!” exclaimed the father, while all present
smiled.


Invited Himself to Dinner

Superintendent Lohmann once visited his friend, the song writer, Pastor
Hülsemann, of Elsey, Westphalia. Lohmann finding the door open entered
the house. The parson was not in his study, but down-stairs in the
kitchen he heard the parson’s wife. Lohmann, full of fun, as usual,
called down-stairs in his friend’s voice, imitated to perfection:
“Riekchen!”

“What is it?”

“Lohmann, from Wesel, is here; see that we have a good dinner.”

“What, is that slow old fellow here again? I wish the idiot would stay at
home!”

Lohmann said nothing, but went back to the study. Soon after, his friend
returned home and was very glad to see his dear friend, the visitor.
Having no idea, of course, of what had happened, he went down-stairs to
tell his wife Riekchen, that there would be a guest for dinner. Entering
the kitchen, he said: “Lohmann is here.”

“You’ve told me that once before.”

“What! I told you? Why, I have only just now entered the house.”

One can imagine the greetings at dinner when the parties met; one rather
embarrassed; the other ready to burst with merriment.


Sedan and Ses Dents

Pius IX possessed a fondness for humor, even when the occasion was a
disagreeable one. When the news was brought to him that the French had
lost Sedan, he cried: “Hélas, Napoleon a perdu ses dents!” Napoleon has
lost his teeth (meaning, he will bite no more).


The Rothschilds

During the panic in the money market of 1866, the agent of a
money-lending concern came to Baron Rothschild and begged him to advance
them some money; but was promptly refused.

“Oh, but you have always helped us before,” wailed the agent.

“I know it.”

“You lent us some money only a few days ago.”

“That is true also.”

“Then, why do you refuse it now?”

“Well, you see, the Jewish law forbids to lend money to any one in
extremity.”


Wanted to Keep on Growing Old

Frau Rothschild lived to be eighty-nine years old, and, to the last, she
retained not only her faculties, but also her much-dreaded wit. In her
last illness she whispered to her physician: “Dear Doctor, do try to do
something for me.”

“What can I do?” replied the physician, “I can’t make you young again.”

“I don’t want you to; I only want to keep on growing old.”


Risked Life for Wealth

In 1820, the head of the house of Rothschild, at Paris, was severely
injured by a fall from his horse. In order to save the wealthy man’s life
the celebrated surgeon, Dupuytren, was called upon to perform a difficult
and dangerous operation.

The operation was successful, and was barely finished, when a letter was
brought to the surgeon, who, on reading it, gave a cry of astonishment.

“What is it?” asked Rothschild, in a weak voice.

“I must leave you at once!” cried Dupuytren; “you will excuse me; the
Duke de Berry has just been assassinated at the opera!” With these words
he rushed off.

Against the surgeon’s order, Rothschild managed to drag himself from his
bed; reached, by great exertion, the bell-rope; and rang.

Servants came running from all directions, and he ordered them to send at
once for his bookkeeper, his cashier, his agents. Several appeared within
a few minutes. He cried: “Sell! Sell everything, and at once!”

His prompt action saved his house from a catastrophe, as stocks went way
down. But his imprudence made his recovery very slow, as it confined him
to his bed for weeks longer.


Saved His New Hat

The famous sculptor, Schadow, and Minister von Schuckmann were both
frequent visitors at a Berlin club. The former always went home early,
while the minister was generally the last to leave, and had his carriage
call for him.

One evening the minister was the very last one again, and found in the
dressing-room only one hat. Now his own hat was old and worn and this one
was brand new. There was nothing to do—as he did not wish to drive home
bare-headed—but to wear the strange hat. Although the rain was pouring
down hard, it would not hurt the hat in the carriage.

Early the next morning, while the minister was still in bed, his footman
brought him his old hat and a note. It was from Schadow, saying: “I
bought a new hat yesterday morning. When I was leaving the club last
night it rained hard, and as I did not wish to spoil my new hat, I took
yours, knowing that your Excellency would drive mine home unharmed.”


No Great Art

At a company, some one mentioned that a famous Dutch painter could, with
one stroke of his brush, change a laughing child’s face into a crying
one. “Pshaw, that’s no great art; I can do that with a broomstick!” was
another’s dry remark.


Style Neutral

A Jewish country merchant was in Frankfurt on business, and decided to
have a new suit made while there. The tailor took his measure and asked:
“Do you wish the coat made English, French, or German style?” “Make it
nice and modern, but quite neutral; I wish to live with the whole world
in peace,” was the Jew’s reply.


A Bit of Diplomacy

A rich Jew asked a poor Jew to dinner. Fish was served, and the rich man
gave the poor man the smallest. He picked at them with his fork, without
eating any, and mumbled the while in his beard. The rich man watched him
for some time, and then asked:

“Why don’t you eat? What are you doing with the fishes?”

“Excuse me,” said the other, “I was talking to the fish.”

“Well, what about?”

“I had a brother who was drowned some years ago, and we could not find
him in the water; so I was asking the fishes if they could tell me
something about him.”

“What do they say?”

“That they were still too small to know anything about it; that I should
ask the big ones.”

Ashamed, the rich man filled his plate with large fish.


No Cause for Weeping

A Jew cried bitterly, when during the day of atonement, the rabbi,
chanting the psalm of penitence, came to the place: “Dust thou art, to
dust thou shalt return.”

“Schmul, why dost thou weep?” asked his neighbor, trying to comfort him.
“If thou wert gold, and had to turn to dust, thou would’st lose one
hundred per cent. But since thou art dust and returnest to dust, thou
gainest nothing and losest nothing.”


Her Private Voice

A wealthy Jewish society man, of Frankfurt, sat one evening at the opera,
in which a foreign singer made her _début_. Next to him sat a lady whom
he knew slightly. He asked her very soon, how she liked the singer, and
to her favorable comment said: “Oh, I have heard her sing better; she
dined at my house yesterday and sang afterwards. Ah; if you could hear
her beautiful _private_ voice!”




CHAPTER X

_On the Stage and Off_


To a Critic

    You may whistle me in or whistle me off,
    But that does not say, the whistler is smart.


A Candid Answer

A young actor was playing Razman in Schiller’s “Räuber” (Robbers). When
he says to Moor: “Come, let us go to the Bohemian forest and gather a
robber band,” Moor cries harshly: “Fellow, who put these words into your
mouth!” The actor pointed at the prompter below, and said timidly: “The
fellow down there.”


The Prelate and the Singer

The following humorous incident is told in verse of Prelate Carl von
Gerok, the recently deceased author of “Palm Leaves.” It happened one
spring-day in the King’s park at Stuttgart. Along the philosopher’s
path, Gerok was walking deep in thought, and carrying an umbrella very
carefully in his hand. On a sidepath, never thinking of a possible
shower, walked a well-known singer. Suddenly it began to sprinkle, and
in a few moments the rain came pouring down. The prelate, a gallant
gentleman, offered to take the lady under his umbrella. Neither one knew
the other. In pleasant conversation they arrived at the singer’s house,
and Gerok begged to know the lady’s name.

    The clever child of the muses
    Has her answer quickly ready:
    “From the question I portend,
    That to the opera you never went;
    As the Prima Donna there
    Everybody knows me here.—
    Now it is my turn to ask
    And I beg of you, to tell,
    Under whose umbrella now
    I returned, protected well.”—
    “From your question I portend,
    That to church you never went;
    As the pious know me all,
    For the Prelate I am called.”


Acute Hoarseness

The singer Tichatschek was once engaged by the Grand Duke of H. to sing
for a few nights at his Opera house. On arriving, the singer went at once
to an orchestra rehearsal of the opera in which he was to sing, and which
was conducted by the Grand Duke, who was an enthusiastic musician. While
still behind the stage Tichatschek could hear that the orchestra was
playing out of tune and that the wind instruments were ahead.

“Great heavens!” cried the singer, “what musical chaos is this? What
idiot is occupying the leader’s desk?”

With these words he stepped upon the stage, and found himself face to
face with the Grand Duke, who exclaimed excitedly:

“I am that idiot!”

The singer canceled his engagement on account of “acute hoarseness.”


Comforting Words

A well-known comic actor, who had accumulated a large fortune, was on his
deathbed. A number of his friends stood around, weeping.

“Calm yourselves,” said the dying man, “you won’t weep over me as long as
you have laughed over me!”


Forgot to Crow

At a small theatre, Hamlet was being given, and a very poor actor played
the principal part. In the scene with the ghost, he shouted like mad.
Some one in the parquet said: “Quite true to Shakespeare, only the cock
forgot to crow when the ghost appeared.”

“Instead of that,” some one else said, “an ass brayed.”


Don’t Meddle

A money lender once asked Garrick what he understood by “honesty”?

“Why should you want to know,” replied Garrick; “you had better not
meddle with things that don’t concern you!”


Very Obliging

When a third-rate actor, playing Hugo in Müllner’s “Guilt,” stabbed
himself, the audience cried: “Bravo! da capo!” (do it again). He jumped
up, bowed, and stabbed himself a second time.


The Young Assyrian

At the Karl Theatre in Vienna the farce “Judith and Holofernes” was being
played. During the performance a small dog that had been hiding behind
the scenes walked out on the stage, stood still in front of Holofernes
and wagged his tail. Nestroy, who was playing that part, had hardly spied
the uninvited guest, when he cried pathetically:

“What does this young Assyrian here?”

The audience broke into a roar of laughter and applause, while the young
Assyrian fled.


Nature, not Art

A singer, whose simple, soulful singing more than compensated for the
usual flourishes of so-called high art, was playing _Julia_ in “The
Vestalin.”

“Is this art?” asked the resident _prima donna_, of the manager.

“God forbid!” replied he, with a sarcastic smile, “this is pure, true
nature.”


The Methodist’s View

A Methodist once said of a theatre: “It is a place where Satan can have,
every evening, so many souls for a few pieces of silver, that he is sorry
he once bribed Judas Iscariot with thirty pieces.”


Asking His Pardon

While Beckmann, the great comic actor, was playing at Berlin, his friends
persuaded him one day to imitate Fränkel, the journalist and critic. He
did it both in looks and manners so well, that at the close of the act
the audience called for Fränkel. The offended critic brought suit, and
Beckmann was sentenced to ask the complainant’s pardon, in the presence
of witnesses and at the plaintiff’s home. At the appointed hour Fränkel,
surrounded by his family and a number of friends, was waiting for the
penitent. Time passed on leaden feet. At last the door opened, Beckmann
put his head in and asked:

“Does Mr. Maier live here?”

“Oh no,” replied Fränkel, “he lives next door.”

“Ah, then, I beg your pardon!” said Beckmann, who, having thus done
penance, retreated quickly, amidst shouts of laughter from all but the
angry, disappointed Fränkel.


Peter and the Cock

A manager whose name was Peter, engaged a singer, named Cock for a number
of operas. At the first performance, the singer did not please. Things
were worse at the second; and on the third night the house was empty. A
critic said:

“When the cock crew the third time, Peter went out and wept bitterly.”


The Actor’s Generosity

A great comic actor had been assisting at a concert, given for the
benefit of the poor of a large parish. After the concert the clergyman
entertained at supper all who had taken part. The great actor found under
his napkin an easter egg, and on breaking it, five gold pieces fell out.

“Ah,” he said merrily, to his host, “you knew that I am fond of boiled
eggs, but one thing you did not know, that I eat only the white. Permit
me to leave the yolk for your poor.”


Art and Artist

On the same day a mediocre actor and a frivolous spendthrift died at
Berlin. Some one remarked: “The city has lost to-day two artists of a
peculiar kind: the one still owes us art, the other had the art to owe
us!”


The Horse-Thief

One day a famous actor, who was seeking his health in the country, missed
his horse. He asked a countryman whether there were horse-thieves around.

“Oh no,” said he, “we are all honest people here; but for some days, some
actor-fellow from the city has been loafing around here; perhaps he took
it.”


Truth and Fiction

A bishop once asked a great actor:

“How is it, that we clergymen, in spite of the great and true subjects
we discuss in public, make so little impression, while you gentlemen of
the stage, make so much?”

“It is because we actors make fiction sound like truth, while you
clergymen make truth sound like fiction.”




CHAPTER XI

_The German Soldier_


The Greater Misfortune

“The enemies of our military system,” said an examining officer, “say
that a standing army is a great misfortune. Can you tell me of a still
greater one?”

“One that is running away,” was the quick rejoinder.


Sitting and Standing

A soldier who was supposed to stand guard at the entrance of a public
building, had sat down on a large stone in front of it. An officer, in
passing, asked him angrily: “What are you doing?”

“I am sitting here standing guard.”


The Soldier’s Requisites

Lieutenant:—“What should every true soldier have?”

Recruit:—“Three sweethearts—a cook, a barmaid, and a laundress.”


Diplomatic

Colonel:—“I do not see, Lieutenant, what there is to laugh at, in the
serious words I am addressing to you.”

Lieutenant (who has noticed that all the other officers present are
watching him):—“If the Colonel will pardon me I will tell him. If I make
a sober face, my comrades present will think I am being hauled over the
coals; but seeing me smile, they will think you are inviting me to your
dinner-party to-night.”


The Recruit’s Use for His Head

“You, fellow!” called a Sergeant to a recruit, “you are not paying
attention! What is your head for?”

“That my necktie can’t slip off.”


An Unconscious Repetition

Colonel:—“I am sorry to have to tell you, but the Sergeant has lodged a
complaint against you. You called him an ass.”

Captain of the Horse:—“Pardon me, Colonel; I am sometimes a little rough.
I am really sorry to have used the expression, but I should never have
thought that the man was such an ass as to be offended.”


A Queer Way of Reckoning

Corporal:—“Captain, I have to report that three men are missing.”

Captain:—“Why, how is that?”

Corporal:—“There are three sausages too many.”


The Standing Army

“Will you not sit down by me, Lieutenant?”

“Thank you very much, madam, but I belong to the standing army.”


The Odd Pair of Boots

“Why John, what a stupid action this is,” said a Captain of the Horse, to
his servant. “You have brought me a pair of boots that do not match. One
has a high top and the other a low one.”

“I have been wondering about that myself, and I don’t understand it,”
said the man, “but the most curious part of it is, that on the shoe-box
stands another pair just like this one.”


The Jew’s Reasoning

An officer fell from his horse in a public square. A Jew standing near
said: “This would never have happened to me, sir!”

“What, Jew, are you a better rider than I?”

“Not that,” replied the Jew, “but I should never have mounted the horse.”


Dense Stupidity

Sergeant (to a recruit):—“You idiot, you are so stupid that Schwarz could
not have invented the gunpowder, if you had been within forty miles of
him.”


Proved

An intoxicated soldier, who was quarreling with his Corporal finally said:

“You just keep quiet; you are no man.”

“I’ll show you,” retorted the Corporal, drawing his sabre.

“You can’t do it,” returned the other; “does not the Captain always say,
when he orders out the guard: ‘for this post, six men and a corporal’? Do
you see now that a Corporal isn’t called a man?”


No Swearing on Sunday

Captain:—“To-day is Sunday, so I won’t swear; but to-morrow, you may all
go to thunder!”


Guarding the Sentry-box

A recruit stood sentry for the first time. At first he walked quietly up
and down before the sentry-box. After a while he grew tired, stood still
before it, looked it all over and shaking his head exclaimed: “I wonder
what they see in this old box that I must stand here and guard it!”


On the Parade-ground

A squadron of cavalry was drilling for a review, which was to be held
shortly. The Prince, riding past, looked on. An attack was executed which
closed with a jump across a ditch. One rider fell with his horse and
rolled into the ditch. The Prince rode up, asked the man if he was hurt,
gave him a ten mark piece, and rode slowly away.

“Sergeant,” called the Captain, “give that fellow three days in the
guard-house!”

Hearing this, the Prince rode up to the Captain and said:

“Could not you let the poor devil off for once?”

“Your Highness,” returned the Captain frankly, “if you give to every
soldier who falls, a ten mark piece, my whole squadron will be in the
ditch to-morrow.”


An Important Question

Officer’s servant:—“Excuse me, sir; have you an advertisement in the
paper, that on account of sickness a horse will be sold?”

Gentleman:—“I have.”

Servant:—“Then my Captain wishes to know whether the gentleman is sick or
the horse?”


The Listening Angels

Captain (noticing that after his command “stand still” two soldiers are
whispering):—“When I, your Captain, command, ‘stand still,’ the angels in
heaven listen; but you, you lobsters, can’t keep your tongues still.”


Only Two Straws

Captain of the horse (discovering two straws on the
race-track):—“Lieutenant A., who ordered a hurdle-race for to-day?”


Marrying for Love

1st Lieutenant:—“Comrade, I am a happy mortal. Engaged to be married.
Loveliest girl,—an angel I tell you. Marry for love—upon honor!”

2d Lieutenant:—“Has she money?”

1st Lieutenant:—“What a stupid question!”


His Own Handkerchief

Lieutenant (to his orderly):—“You idiot, what are you thinking of, to
clean my drinking cup with a handkerchief?”

Servant:—“Beg your pardon, sir, but it is my own.”


The Cold Ice

“Pray, tell me, Captain, why you are staring so hard at my plate?”

“I am admiring that ice, Fräulein, that can keep so cold in view of your
charms.”


A Charitable Institution

“Have not seen you for a long time, Count. Been on leave?”

“Oh, yes,—been two weeks in Potsdam. Aunt died suddenly.”

“Well, well,—congratulations. Inherit anything?”

“Not I; the old aunt left everything to charitable institutions.
Stupid idea! As if a German Officer of the Guard was not a charitable
institution, too!”


An Unexpected Answer

Sergeant (instructing):—“Who commands a battalion?”

(Soldier is silent. Behind him some one whispering.)

Sergeant:—“What blockhead is whispering to you?”

Soldier:—“The Major.”


Saved His Honor

“Where is the sausage that you were to bring every evening?”

“Excuse me, Lieutenant; I ate it myself.”

“What! how dare you?”

“Well, you see, sir, coming back with it, I met a comrade, and he asked
me to whom the sausage belonged, and I said, of course, ‘To my master.’

“‘What,’ said he, sneeringly, ‘does your master eat only a sausage for
supper? What a shame!’ So I told him you bought it for me, and ate it up
right before him and so took the shame upon myself.”


It Depends

Lieutenant (to recruit):—“How should a soldier act before the enemy?”

Recruit:—“That depends entirely upon how the enemy acts!”


More True Than Kind

Major’s Wife (stout and elderly):—“Lieutenant von Schwenker is a charming
man. At every ball he comes to me and begs for the first dance.”

Colonel:—“He is all right; he is a brave fellow, that Lieutenant; he
always does the disagreeable duties first.”


An Appropriate Gift

A general who had the misfortune to lose several battles, received as a
New Year’s present a box containing a drum on which was written: “Not
good for anything but to be beaten.”


Thankful For Anything

Lieutenant:—“You idiot; you have brought me a single ticket instead of a
return ticket!”

Servant:—“But sir, there was such a crowd at the ticket-office, that I
was glad to get this one.”


The Lost Colonel

Youthful Prince (as guest at a drill, sees the Colonel lead his regiment
in a poorly executed attack):—“General, that regiment I suppose is lost?”

General:—“The regiment is not, your Highness, but the Colonel is!”


Too Cautious

“George, you must always knock at the door before you enter a room, and
then wait until some one calls ‘come in,’” said the Major’s wife to a new
servant. While the Major and his wife are at dinner, George puts his head
through a crack in the door, but draws it back quickly, closes the door,
and knocks. His astonished mistress calls: “Come in!... George, did you
not understand? I told you to knock first, and then wait until some one
calls ‘come in.’ Instead of doing that, you looked first into the room.
What did you mean by that?”

“I understood you all right, but I had to look in first to see if any one
was in the room to call ‘come in.’”


A Pertinent Question

Corporal:—“Recruit Neier, how many more times must I tell you to hold
your head up! What makes you look at the grass all the time; haven’t you
had your breakfast yet?”


Subordination

Major (narrating):—“But when, on the thirteenth of October, the battle of
Leipzig was fought——”

Lieutenant:—“Excuse me, Major; that was on the eighteenth.”

Major:—“Young man, do you think you know it better than I? I tell you it
was on the thirteenth.”

Lieutenant:—“I do know it was not, for only lately I read the history of
the battle by a famous historian.”

Major:—“Don’t talk to me about any of your scribblers. I—your Major—tell
you it was on the thirteenth.”

Lieutenant:—“Pardon me, Major, if I doubt it in spite of that.”

Major (boiling with rage):—“Very well, Lieutenant, then I tell you
_officially_, that it was on the thirteenth.”

Lieutenant:—“Very well, Major, then it _was_ on the thirteenth.”


Modest

The Lieutenant wishes to give to a reporting soldier a cigar, and opens a
fresh box.

Soldier:—“Oh don’t trouble about opening the box, sir; I can do that at
home.”


Poison in It

Captain:—“John, go up-stairs and ask my wife to give you my field-flask;
but don’t you drink out of it. I believe there is poison in it.”

John (in the Captain’s rooms):—“Will the gracious Frau kindly give me the
Captain’s field-flask?”

Captain’s Wife:—“Which is the one he wants? There are several hanging
here.”

John:—“The one which the Captain believes has poison in it.”


Nothing Else to Do

Sergeant:—“A sentry may not leave his post under any circumstances.
Recruit Huber, what would you do if you stood guard at the powder
magazine, and there should be an explosion and the whole thing flew into
the air?”

Huber:—“Fly with it.”


His Size

“Marie, why did you make the potato dumplings so dreadfully large?”

“Well, you know, madam, that my sweetheart is in the Artillery, and he is
used to this size.”


He Forgot Himself

Captain of the Cavalry (playing a duet):—“But my dear lady, you are again
a nose-length ahead of me!”


A Strenuous Captain

Lady:—“Please, Captain, play my accompaniment on the piano.”

Captain:—“With great pleasure! I’ll follow you through thick and thin on
that piano.”


Not Very Clear

Sergeant (at instruction):—“Muller, what is horizontal?”

Soldier:—“If from the centre of the earth——”

Sergeant:—“Never you mind the centre of the earth; I asked you what
horizontal is.”

Soldier:—“Every plain——”

Sergeant:—“Oh pshaw! Now listen! four equally high feet, a couple of
boards across them—that’s horizontal.”


Never Deserts

“May I offer you some dessert, Lieutenant?”

“Thank you—but a Lieutenant never deserts!”


One Thing Forgotten

Corporal (to his men, with whose drilling the Colonel has just found
fault):—“I tell you this much, you fellows, if you don’t do any better,
we shall drill the whole day, have field practice at night, bivouac
afterwards, without fire, without straw, without cooking, and with the
thermometer ten degrees below zero.”

A voice from the ranks:—“Why don’t you let it rain too!”


Rather Mixed

Ten minutes after taps:—“Oh say! don’t run so hard. We’ll get there early
enough to be—too late.”


Disagreeable

Lieutenant:—“I saw you running after a girl last night. It was after ten
o’clock, and she was a homely, old piece at that. You ought to be ashamed
of yourself.”

Soldier:—“Your pardon, Lieutenant, but—I was ordered to take—the
Colonel’s wife home from the theatre.”


At the Swimming School

Sergeant (to a recruit):—“You big num-skull, you are more stupid than a
piece of wood! That, at any rate can swim, and that is a good deal more
than you can do!”


A Cunning Sergeant

In the barrack yard of a garrison stood a lot of pear trees. The pears
were ripe and a squad of soldiers under the supervision of Sergeant
Schulze, is ordered to gather them. Punctually at the appointed hour the
men arrive, and, shortly after, have disappeared among the branches of
the trees to begin their task. Sergeant Schulze soon notices that more
pears go into the men’s pockets than into the baskets. However he says
nothing and looks on smilingly. As soon as all the fruit is gathered, he
orders the men to the horizontal bars standing in the yard, whereupon
there is a great shower of pears from the men’s pockets.


Fault of the Target

Captain:—“What were the results of your target-practice?”

Sergeant:—“Good, Captain; my men would have shot better if the target had
stood a little more to the right.”


Couldn’t Ride

Corporal:—“Goodness me! that fellow wabbles around on his horse, like a
poet on Pegasus!”


The Horse’s Grudge

“There is that fellow fallen off again! That is about the tenth time
to-day!”

“Corporal, I believe that horse has a grudge against me.”


Condescension

Recruit (lying on the ground):—“Captain, I won’t sit that horse again; he
is too uppish. Just see him look down on me!”


Bivouac Punch

Captain:—“What in the name of common sense, is the matter with this
punch? It tastes abominable! Schaffer, what kind of water did you use
when you made it?”

Schaffer:—“It was quite fresh from the village, sir, but as you said you
did not need it for an hour and it was boiling, I cooked the sausages in
it.”


It Depends on His Looks

Lieutenant:—“Mayer, suppose you are standing sentry, and an officer,
wearing his cloak comes along, you cannot tell whether it is a General or
a Captain; what salute would you make?”

Mayer:—“If he looks pleasant I would ‘shoulder arms,’ but if he looks
gruff, I had better ‘present arms.’”


Too Far Away

Sergeant:—“Recruit Berger, you were ten minutes late again last night;
where were you?”

Berger:—“I—I—was with my sweetheart, and she lives so far away—that——”

Sergeant:—“How many times must you fellows be told that discipline does
not bother with love affairs! If you must fall in love, do it near the
barracks.”


For His Helmet’s Sake

Sergeant:—“Why must a soldier never lose his head?”

Recruit:—“Because—because—he could never put his helmet on again.”


A Good Shot

A recruit, who was standing guard one night near an observatory, was
staring thoughtlessly at the sky and up at the tower. Suddenly somebody
appeared on the observatory, and, as the recruit thought, pointed with a
long gun into the night. “Now I should just like to know what that man
up there wants to shoot in the dark,” he said to himself, while his eyes
followed the direction of the telescope. All at once a star fell. The gun
dropped from the astonished recruit’s hand as he cried: “Well, I’ll be
jiggered; he hit it!”


Remedy for Don Juans

General:—“Were you at my house?”

Adjutant:—“Yes, sir; your gracious wife is at home, and Lieutenant von
Schneidewitz is there.”

General:—“Again? Have an alarm sounded at once.”




CHAPTER XII

_Crowned Heads and Some of Their Famous Statesmen and Generals_


No Money, No Gun

Markgraf Johann von Brandenburg, reigning Prince of Neumark, was in
the habit of leaving his debts stand for a long time. His gunsmith at
Nuremberg was well aware of this. So having filled an order, he wrote one
day the following laconic letter to him;

“Good-day, your Grace! Your gun is finished. If you send the money, I’ll
send you the gun. If you don’t send the money, you won’t get the gun. God
be with you!”

His Grace, far from resenting this language, sent the money.


The Living and Not the Dead

Emperor Joseph II of Austria, was once asked by an ecclesiastic of noble
birth, for permission to go to Rome, to visit the graves of the Apostles
Peter and Paul. The Emperor made this very appropriate answer:

“It would be more agreeable to me, if, instead of making a pilgrimage to
dead bones, you would visit more in your parish. I am sure the Apostle
Princes would be more pleased with that, too.”


Good Advice

On one occasion Emperor Joseph II returned the poems of a very
indifferent poetess whose name was Kemeter, with this marginal note: “My
dear Kemeter, you had better make hemeter” (shirts).


The Unusual Postilion

Emperor Joseph II traveled under the name of Count von Falkenburg. Once,
when passing through Stuttgart, the Duke of Würtemberg offered to him the
use of the castle, but the Emperor declined, saying he would rather go
quietly to a hotel. Then the Duke ordered all hotelkeepers of Stuttgart
to take down their signs and had an immense one put over the castlegate
which bore these words: “Hotel Emperor Joseph II.”

Such an invitation the Emperor could not resist. When he descended from
his carriage, the Duke received him, dressed as a hotelkeeper, while
members of the highest nobility played the parts of servants. The most
beautiful ladies, in cap and apron acted as chambermaids, some noblemen
as waiters. The Emperor entered into the joke heartily, and it was
carried on through the day in the most charming manner. His going was as
remarkable as his coming. When the coach drove up, a postilion mounted
the horse. His shabby coat and dirty boots drew the Emperor’s attention.

“This fellow,” he said, laughing, “is certainly no flatterer; he did not
even put on his Sunday coat. He looks as if he liked a drink; we must
give him a good tip.”

But the postilion drove with great skill, and very fast. When they
reached the first station his Majesty was going to give him a good tip
but was told that it was the Prince —— who had driven him in his own
coach. The Emperor thanking him said: “You made a splendid postilion, but
if I had watched you, I should have discovered the fraud, for now I think
of it, you did not swear once.”


The Fourth Vow

A knight of the Maltese Cross, once boasted before Emperor Leopold II:
“We took three vows, that of poverty, of chastity, and of obedience.”

“As far as I know,” returned the Emperor, “you made a fourth one,—that,
of not intending to keep any of the three.”


The Two Exceptions

A quick, witty answer always won the heart of Frederick William I. Once,
on horseback, he turned a street corner, and found himself so close to a
young man that his horse’s nose touched the latter’s breast.

“Who are you?” he asked harshly.

“A Candidatus Theologiæ, your Majesty.”

“Where from?”

“From Berlin.”

“Pshaw, the Berliners don’t amount to anything.”

“The majority certainly do not, your Majesty, but there are exceptions. I
know of two.”

“Who are they?”

“Your Majesty and—myself.”

This was a man after the King’s own heart, unafraid, quick-witted. It was
not long before he had a good parish.


The Empty Upper Story

King Frederick William I after an audience with an Ambassador, said to
his equerry, who was present:

“Isn’t he a tall, handsome man? What do you think of his head?”

“Tall, handsome people, like the Ambassador, your Majesty, resemble
houses four or five stories high. The first three or four stories are
generally occupied, but the upper story is empty.”


An Effectual Cure

While Prince von Lobkowitz was Emperor Leopold’s minister of state, at
the beginning of the eighteenth century, the streets of the Austrian
capital were in a dreadful condition. Lobkowitz had asked the city
officials repeatedly to see that the streets were kept clean, but without
avail. Then the Prince, in his capacity as Governor of Vienna, sent for
the burgomaster, who arrived in his embroidered court dress, low shoes,
and silk stockings. The Prince received him pleasantly, but seemed very
busy.

“I beg your pardon,” he began, “but urgent business calls me away; come
with me in my carriage and we will discuss affairs on the way. I will put
you down in your street, so you can send your own carriage home.”

The very much flattered and elated burgomaster did so, and took his seat
beside the Prince, who began to talk about the weather.

Suddenly the minister looked around as if frightened.

“Ah,” he said in a tone of deep regret, just as the carriage was going
through one of the filthiest streets of the city, “I have mistaken my
way. I must ask you to descend here, as my business calls me to the other
side of the city, and I am late already.”

The footman opened the carriage door, but when the burgomaster saw the
sea of mud into which he was to step, he turned to the Prince and begged
to be taken a little further.

“Impossible,” said Lobkowitz, firmly. So the poor burgomaster, in his
court finery, had to step out into the mud into which he sank ankle deep.
Lobkowitz laughed aloud. But he never had to complain of dirty streets
again.


Punished by Proxy

A basket of fine cherries having been sent to Frederick the Great, at
a time when that fruit was extremely scarce, he sent them by one of
his pages to the Queen. The page, tempted by the beauty of the fruit,
could not resist tasting, and finding them delicious, devoured them all,
without reflecting on the consequences.

A few days afterwards Frederick asked the Queen how she had liked the
cherries.

“Cherries?” said the Queen, “what cherries?”

“Why, did not Clist, the page, bring you a basket the other day?”

“No,” replied her majesty, “I have not seen any.”

“Oh,” said the King, “I will give that rogue something more savory.”

He then went to his room and wrote the following note to the officer of
the royal guard.

“Give the bearer twenty-five lashes, and take his receipt for them.”

He then called Clist, and told him to take the note to the guard-house
and wait for an answer.

The page, however, fearing something wrong, determined to send the note
by somebody else, and just as he was going out at the palace door, he
met a Jew banker who was well-known at court, and asked him to carry the
King’s note. The Jew, glad of an opportunity to be obliging, went at
once. On his arrival at the guard-house, the officer read the note, told
the messenger to wait, and called out the guard. The Jew, thinking it was
to do him honor as a messenger from court, begged the officer not to give
himself any trouble.

“I will not,” he replied, and ordered the guard to seize the Jew, and
give him twenty-five lashes, which was immediately done. The Jew, with
his honor and his back severely wounded, was going away; but the officer
told him he could not go till he had given a written acknowledgment for
what he had received. The Jew was obliged to give it for fear of getting
another beating.

The affair soon came to the ears of the King, who, though he could not
help laughing heartily at the adventure, was obliged to confer some
favors on the hero of it, as the banker frequently advanced him large
sums of money, in cases of necessity.


Did Not Stammer When Singing

Frederick the Great once gave an audience to a man who stammered. This
grew very tiresome to his Majesty, who asked:

“Tell me, do you stammer when you sing?”

“No—your—Majesty!”

“Well then, just sing to me, what you wish to tell me.”


Without Mercy

“Well, I made one parson happy, for this world and the next,” Frederick
the Great often said laughing heartily. “It was in Silesia. I had been
quartered several times at the village parson’s without ever having seen
him, so I sent for him.

“‘How do you do, parson?’

“‘Very badly.’

“‘Well, Well! Have patience; everything will be all right in the next
world.’

“‘I doubt it very much; I am afraid it will be worse.’

“‘How so?’

“‘I have two daughters, three sons, a small parish and—debts. If I die,
without having satisfied my creditors, your Majesty will understand that
I should be damned without mercy.’”


He Did Not Understand

Frederick the Great made the personal acquaintance of every soldier of
his regiment of guards. Whenever he saw a fresh one, he put the three
following questions to him: “First, how old are you? Second, how long
have you been in my service? Third, are you satisfied with your pay and
treatment?”

It happened that a young Frenchman, who did not understand German,
enlisted in the Prussian service, and Frederick, on seeing him, put the
usual questions. The soldier had learned the answers by heart, but in
the same order as the King generally interrogated.

Unfortunately, on this occasion, the King began with the second question:

“How long have you been in my service?”

“Twenty-one years,” replied the Frenchman.

“What!” said Frederick, “how old are you then?”

“One year,” was the reply.

“Upon my word,” exclaimed his majesty, “you or I must be mad!”

“Both,” replied the soldier, according to what he had been taught.

“Well,” said the astonished King, “this is the first time I have ever
been called a madman by one of my guards. What do you mean by it, sir?”

The poor fellow seeing that the King was angry, told him, in French, that
he did not understand a word of German.

“Oh! is that so?” said the monarch. “Well, learn it as soon as possible,
and I have no doubt that you will make a very good soldier.”


In His Majesty’s Service

Some time after having sustained a severe defeat at Kolin, Frederick the
Great, at a review, jokingly asked a soldier, who had a deep cut in his
cheek:

“Friend, at what ale-house did you get that scratch?”

“I got it,” said the soldier, “at Kolin, where your Majesty paid the
reckoning.”


The King Would Run Too

Just before the battle of Rosbach (1757), things looked bad for the King.
Frederick the Great was lying asleep on a heap of straw near a camp-fire,
when he was awakened by one of his grenadiers calling:

“Frederick!” (The grenadiers of his guard were allowed to call him that.)
“Look, they are bringing in one of your grenadiers who has deserted!”

“Why did you run away and leave your King?” was Frederick’s question.

“Well, things were going so badly with you, that I wanted to try my luck
elsewhere.”

“You are right,” concluded the King; “but just try one more campaign, and
if things don’t look any better for me after that, I’ll promise you, I
will run away with you!”


Would Declare War

If Frederick the Great heard that any one had spoken ill of him, he
simply asked:

“Does the fellow own a hundred thousand men?”

“No.”

“Well, then, I can’t do anything to him; but if he commanded a hundred
thousand soldiers I would declare war on him.”


The Snuff Box of Frederick the Great

One time Frederick the Great presented to Count von Schwerin, his
equerry, a snuff-box with a monkey on the lid. The Count had the monkey
taken out and the king’s picture put in the place. In the evening,
looking as pleased as possible, he paraded it before the king’s eyes.

“You seem to like it,” said the king, with an ironic smile.

“Everything that comes from your Majesty’s hands is precious to me,”
Schwerin assured him, “and I value this box the more, as it shows the
picture of one whom I honor with all my heart—your Majesty’s picture!”
Astounded at this impudence, Frederick looked at the box, and, noticing
the change, laughed at the old diplomat and said:

“The idea is fine and does you honor, but the picture is not good; here
is a better one!” and handed him his own richly-jeweled snuff-box.


The Bishop’s Cloak

One of the characteristics of Frederick the Great was that he loved a
tilt with the clergy. So he said to the Bishop of Ermenland:

“I hope to slip into paradise under your cloak.”

“Hardly,” returned the Bishop, whose income had been reduced to
one-third, “your Majesty has cut down my cloak too much.”


Deserved His Rest

General Ziethen once fell into a doze at the king’s table. As some one
made a motion to rouse him, the king said:

“Let him sleep. He has watched long enough that we might rest.”


Thoughtfulness for Others

During the many wars he was engaged in, Frederick the Great shared not
only all the dangers but also all the hardships of the common soldier.

Once he marched with his grenadiers till very late at night. At last
they halted, and the king said:

“Grenadiers, it is a very cold night; we must have a fire!” One was built
at once. Frederick wrapped himself in his cloak, sat down on a few pieces
of wood near the fire, and the soldiers grouped themselves around him.
After a while General Ziethen came, and he also sat down on a little pile
of wood. Both were extremely fatigued and soon fell asleep.

The king, on opening his eyes, perceived that Ziethen had slipped off
his seat and that a grenadier was placing a fagot under his head for a
pillow. In a loud voice Frederick said:

“Bravo! the old gentleman is very tired!” Soon after, a grenadier got
up, half asleep, in order to light his pipe by the fire, and carelessly
touched the General’s foot. The king, who was glad to see Ziethen take a
little much needed rest, held up his hand and said whisperingly:

“Take care, grenadier, not to waken the General; he is very sleepy.”


A Double Reward

General Seydlitz once reported to Frederick II one of the skirmishes such
as happened almost daily during the seven years’ war, and in doing so,
praised a Lieutenant, whose conduct and splendid bravery well merited an
order. The king had the young officer summoned and said to him pleasantly:

“I hear you have been very brave. I will reward you for it. Here are a
hundred Friedrichsd’or, and here is the order of merit. You may choose.”

Without a moment’s hesitation, the officer took the money.

“You don’t seem to have much regard for honor, anyway,” said the king,
displeased.

“Pardon me, your Majesty,” replied the officer frankly, “I have debts,
and honor demands that I should pay them as soon as possible. I hope to
earn and return for the order in a few days.”

“That is brave, my son,” said the king, patting the Lieutenant’s
shoulder. “You may take the order now; you deserve it!”


A Scarcity of Chairs

One morning while out riding near Potsdam, Frederick met a post-chaise in
which sat one of his generals, who had numerous debts.

“Why my dear W.,” said the king to him, “you are off early; where are you
going?”

“To Potsdam, your Majesty, to have an understanding with my creditors.”

“Oh,” smiled Frederick, “you would have done that better at Berlin; there
are certainly not chairs enough at Potsdam.”


He Turned the Tables

Frederick the Great was passionately fond of playing the flute. One of
his teachers for years, was J. Quantz, the famous flutist, who was also
well known for his quick, witty answers. One evening after the usual
concert, the king was conversing with his intimates, when Quantz made the
remark that nothing could upset him, no matter how great the surprise.
Frederick turned to him and said, laughing:

“Quantz, Quantz, you shall prove that to me,” to which Quantz replied
with dignity:

“Your Majesty, I am ready for any test.”

A few days afterwards, Quantz was to play a solo on his flute, during
the evening concert. On going to his desk, he found on his music a large
sheet of paper on which was written: “Quantz is an ass! Frederick II.”

Not in the least disturbed, Quantz quietly folded the paper and was going
to put it into his pocket, when the King who had been watching him,
cried:

“Here, Quantz, what are you hiding there? Let me see what it is!”

“Your Majesty,” replied the former, “some one has been trying to have a
poor joke at my expense. It is not worth taking notice of.”

“Well,” said Frederick, apparently surprised, “you must read it, Quantz;
you ought to let me hear what has been written to you!”

Quantz bowed, and unfolding the paper, said:

“If your Majesty wishes it, I cannot refuse.” Then, sharply accenting
each word, he read aloud: “Johann Quantz is an ass; _Frederick the
second_!”

Everybody grew pale; some grasped their swords, but the King went smiling
up to Quantz, patted him on the shoulder and said:

“Well done, Quantz, but another time you must not be quite so rude; do
you hear?”


A Chronic Cough

At all the evening concerts, the King played the flute. Once he played a
new composition of his own, which contained a faulty passage. Quantz, on
hearing it, coughed significantly. Frederick understood the meaning of
it, but said nothing. The next day he asked one of the other musicians
his opinion of the passage. The latter pointed out the mistake. The King
corrected it at once, saying:

“We must not let Quantz get a chronic cough.”


No Relation

After one of the victorious battles of the seven years’ war, Frederick
the Great gave orders that a young cornet, whose bravery he had had
occasion to witness himself, be brought to him.

“What is your name?” the monarch asked the young man.

“Von Stira Stora Stazarneda, your Majesty,” was the answer.

“What, sir,” cried the King, indignant at a name so hard to remember,
“why, the devil isn’t called that!”

“He is no relative of mine, either, your Majesty,” was the impudent
cornet’s prompt answer.

The King smiled, and said:

“I am very glad to hear it, _Lieutenant_ von Stira Stora Stazarneda,” and
with a wave of his hand, dismissed him.


Plenty of Company

The Prussian Ambassador at the Court of England, wrote to Frederick the
Great that his salary being insufficient, he would be compelled to sell
his carriage and go to Court on foot. The King answered laconically: “You
can just walk; it won’t hurt you. If anybody makes a remark about it, you
can tell them you are my ambassador, and 300,000 men are walking behind
you.”


No Suggestions Wanted

From the beginning of the War of Independence (1813-14, against Napoleon
I) Field-Marshal Prince Blücher urged the allied powers to go forward
(hence his name, Marshal Vorwärts) and thus created more confusion among
them than among the enemy. But the old soldier did not pay the slightest
attention to that. Once when he received a dispatch to turn back with his
army he growled:

“Those diplomatic fool tricks and this scribbling of notes will have to
be stopped. I shall direct this campaign without notes.”


Cobblers Lacking

Once, while trying to ascertain the enemy’s whereabouts, a bullet struck
Prince Blücher’s foot, but fortunately tore only his boot.

“That’s bad enough,” joked Blücher, “we have a good many more doctors
than cobblers with us.”


Deserved a Title

When presented with a Doctor’s degree at Oxford, Blücher said:

“Well, now, you ought to make Gneisenau at least a druggist, for he made
my pills.”


The Two Moves

After a hard day, Blücher was taking a few hours’ rest. An Adjutant
wakened him to report: “The enemy has made a move!”

“Well,” cried the Prince, “then report to the enemy that I made one too!”
and with this he turned over on his other side.


Another Victory

Blücher was a great lover of music. His favorite pieces electrified him
as often as he heard them, but of them all Mozart’s “Magic Flute” took
first place. While the allies were at Aachen, Angelica Catalani, the
famous singer, aroused everybody’s enthusiasm. The Emperor Alexander of
Russia stood at the head of her admirers, but her acknowledged favorite
was the aged Marshal Vorwärts.

One evening Catalani sang at a large reception and one of her songs
was Papageno’s “Ring, Little Bell, Ring.” Blücher was delighted, and
asked her to sing another of Papageno’s songs, but the singer, greatly
embarrassed, had to confess that she knew no other.

“I can teach you,” said Blücher; “I know every aria in the ‘Magic Flute.’”

“What,” cried Emperor Alexander, “Blücher can sing too? You must give us
a song then!”

The old soldier stood up and began in his rough voice, dreadfully out of
tune, but still recognizable: “The Bird Catcher I Am.”

Emperor Francis listened with visible emotion, the dignified King of
Prussia smiled quietly to himself, while Emperor Alexander laughed as
hard as he could and started a vigorous applause. Blücher, encouraged,
sang again, and wound up with “Bacchus is a Brave Man.” The last number
created such a storm of applause that Catalani said jokingly:

“I can’t compete with old Blücher; he has beaten me, too; he received
more applause than I did.”


Portraits of His Ancestors

When Field-Marshal Wrangel was Commander-General of Stettin, he sent for
the painter, Most, and gave him an order to paint several portraits of
his ancestors for his dining-room. The painter asked if the General had
some pictures to copy from.

“That isn’t necessary,” said Wrangel; “just make them look somewhat like
me, and dress them correctly. Nobody knew them personally anyhow.”


Poor Shots

Wrangel generally rode a white horse, a fact which the enemy soon
noticed. When the officers of his suite drew his attention to it and
asked him to ride another horse, to be less exposed to danger, he
answered with his customary calmness:

“Why shouldn’t I ride a white horse, gentlemen? They shoot at me, but
they hit you.”


Could Not Whistle For Laughing

Wrangel was once walking with the Crown Prince, later Emperor Frederick,
“unter den Linden” in Berlin, when they met a shoemaker’s apprentice
merrily whistling. As they came near, he stopped, grinned all over his
face, and pulled off his cap.

“Now your Royal Highness can see what fine fellows these boys are,” said
Wrangel; “they are all delighted to see a member of the Royal Family.”

“Wrangel,” cried the Crown Prince, laughing, “you just ask that boy, why
he stopped whistling.”

“Say, sonny,” called Wrangel, “why did you stop whistling?”

“When I see you, I have to laugh, so I can’t whistle,” was the reply. The
answer pleased the Crown Prince immensely.


Under the Weather Vane

When Wrangel returned from the war with Holstein, he ordered a
weather-vane for the roof of his palace, just like one he had seen during
the campaign, an Uhlan with his lance at rest.

“But he must turn whichever way the wind blows, like any other
well-regulated weather-vane,” said Wrangel, “or I shan’t pay for it.”

The Uhlan was made, put on the roof and the General was informed of it.
Well pleased, Wrangel went to the window.

“Why I can’t see him, you swindler!”

“But your Excellency——”

“Oh, pshaw, there are dozens of Excellencies. I am General-Field-Marshal.”

“But Herr General-Field-Marshal; you cannot see the weather-vane on the
roof, while you are under it.”

“Yes, yes, that is true; but what good is the weather-vane to me, if I
can’t see it?”

After thinking it over for some time, Wrangel stated the case to the
French Ambassador across the street, who was perfectly willing to have
the Uhlan put on the roof of his house. Now Wrangel could see the Uhlan
from his room, and always knew which way the wind blew. Could he possibly
have known, what he did, when he put the Uhlan on the Frenchman’s roof?


An Unfortunate Remark

An officer came to report to Papa Wrangel, as he was often called. The
General noticed that the officer’s spurs were not those prescribed by
regulations. He took him to task about it, and gave him twenty-four hours
house-arrest. The officer seeing that Wrangel wore the same spurs, made a
remark about it.

“Very well, my son,” said the General, “then you stay another
twenty-four hours for me.”


A Profitable Call

King Frederick William III was in the habit of coming to the Queen’s
sitting-room every morning, to breakfast with her, preferably on some
fresh fruit. One morning, he saw on her work-table a pretty new lace cap.
Smiling, he asked the price of it.

“It is not necessary,” replied the Queen merrily, “that the men should
know what women’s finery costs; they don’t understand, and think
everything is too dear.”

“But you can tell me what the cap cost. I should like to know!”

“Oh, yes; I chose a cheap one; it was only four thalers.”

“Only? Why that’s a lot of money for a thing like that!”

The king, standing by the window, kept on teasing her, until an invalid
soldier of his guard passed by. The King called him into the room. He had
hardly entered when the King said to him:

“The lady on the sofa there has a lot of money. What do you think, old
comrade, she gave for that cap on the table? Now don’t let the pretty
pink ribbon dazzle you!”

The old fellow, inexperienced in such things, said:

“Well, it may have cost a few groschen.”

“There, do you hear that?” laughed the King. “Oh, yes; groschen. She paid
four thalers for it! Now you go over there and let the beautiful lady
give you as much.”

Looking at the King, she quickly opened her purse and put four thalers
into the old soldier’s hand. “But,” she added with a mischievous smile,
“the gentleman at the window has much more money than I. All I have I owe
to him, and he loves to give. Just go over and let him give you double
the amount.” The lucky veteran departed, delighted with his morning call.


Dislike of Formality

Frederick William III was not fond of the extremely formal court
etiquette prevailing at the time. Even as Crown Prince, he gave numerous
proofs of his dislike of the stiff formalities which prevented an
intimate family life. Once the mistress of ceremonies, Frau von Voss,
reproved him for speaking of the Queen as “my wife” instead of saying
“her Royal Highness, the Crown Princess.” The King promising to reform
said:

“Now, my dear Voss, announce me to her Royal Highness the Crown Princess,
and ask if I may have the honor to speak to her Royal Highness.”

The mistress of ceremonies went to fulfil his command, walking with the
slow, dignified, solemn step which etiquette prescribed. When she entered
the Queen’s apartment, the King, who was already there, sitting arm in
arm with his “Louise,” called to the horrified lady:

“Why my dear Voss, her Royal Highness, the Crown Princess, is not to be
seen for an hour, and I mean to spend that time with ‘my wife.’”


Too Much Work

Queen Louise, the mother of Emperor William I, was once told that her
sons ate their fruit with too much haste. The Queen at once gave the
order that every piece of fruit for the Princes’ breakfast-table should
be wrapped in thirty pieces of paper. The unwrapping proved a sure remedy
against their eating too fast. Emperor William I often recalled this rule
saying jokingly:

“From my youth up, nothing was ever made easy for me. Even to get a
rosy-cheeked apple was considerable work.”


Too Hungry for Speeches

Frederick William IV, later Emperor William I, never liked to listen to
long speeches when he was received into a city. One day, after having
traveled for many hours in a post-chaise, he reached the gates of a small
town about noon, tired and hungry. Here the King was received by the
officials, and the burgomaster began a long-winded speech with:

“Most high and most gracious King! When Hannibal stood before the gates
of Carthage——”

“He was probably as hungry as I am. Come, my dear burgomaster, get into
my carriage and be my guest.”


Too Much for Him

On a certain occasion when Frederick William IV had reached a small town,
the burgomaster began his speech:

“Five thousand citizens——” (here he stopped). “Five thousand citizens——”
(he began again). “Five thousand citizens——” (No, he couldn’t do it.)

“Please greet your five thousand citizens for me,” the King interrupted
him now, “but each one separately!” and drove on.


Through Thick and Thin

King Frederick William IV was always a most gay and amiable host. Once
at a ball he stood in the ball-room talking to a very tall and very
slender gentleman. Suddenly, an officer of the hussars, in the whirl of
the dance, chased with his partner right between the two. The officer
frightened to death, stops at once and excuses himself.

“Never mind,” said the King, laughing; “don’t excuse yourself; a hussar
must necessarily go through _thick_ and _thin_.”


He Helped the Donkey

One day, while Frederick William IV was taking a walk at an early morning
hour, he noticed from a distance, a woman, who was beating the donkey
drawing her milkcart. He went near and asked the cause of her violence.
With tears in her eyes the woman said:

“Oh, dear, I am in a great hurry, and this stupid donkey won’t go. If I
don’t get to Potsdam at the usual time, I’ll lose all my customers. I
know his tricks. If I only had somebody who would take him by the ears,
while I beat him from behind—he would go all right.”

The King soberly grabbed the donkey by his ears, the woman did her part,
and the donkey began to trot, while his owner thanked her unknown helper
heartily.

At home the King told his wife of the service he had rendered. The Queen
did not approve of the proceeding, and said:

“As Crown Prince, my dear Fritz, you might have done that, but as King——”

“My dear child,” interrupted the smiling monarch, “my sainted father
helped many a donkey along.”


Changed His Order

The livery-stable-keeper, Faber, of Magdeburg, who had been very
patriotic and generous during the war with France, asked permission to
drive Emperor William on his first visit to Magdeburg after the war, in
a carriage he had built for the purpose. Permission was granted, and he
was rewarded with an order of the fourth class. When the Emperor went to
Magdeburg the next time, Faber drove him again, but this time standing.
“Why do you drive standing, Faber?” asked the Emperor.

“The fourth-class always does, your Majesty; they ride standing” (in a
railway train), replied Faber, pointing at his order. The Emperor laughed
heartily, and Faber received an order of the third class.


His Early Reign

In 1878, while Emperor William was recovering from the wound made by
Nobiling in his murderous attack, Crown Prince Frederick transacted all
business of state. After the first few days of pain and excitement were
over, and as the Emperor grew stronger, his gay humor returned.

One morning as the Crown Prince came in to see him, the Emperor,
extending his sound hand asked:

“Well, dear Fritz, have you reigned already this morning?”


Too Much Game

Once after a hunt, the Emperor was told that he had killed twenty-eight
pieces of game. He looked surprised and said gaily:

“This reminds me of the words: ‘There are things happening between
heaven and earth of which man has no conception,’ for it certainly is
wonderful that I killed twenty-eight pieces of game, when I shot off only
twenty-five cartridges!”


The Greater Lion

One summer morning, in 1874, while Emperor William I was taking the water
cure at Ems, the following humorous incident happened. He and Emperor
Alexander II had as usual taken their morning walk together, and then
seated themselves on a bench of the promenade near the Trinkhalle. The
chance of getting a good look at the two rulers was not to be lost by
the summer guests, and soon a crowd was walking up and down in front of
their bench. The Czar who did not like to be stared at, made an impatient
remark about it, when Emperor William, pointing to Bismarck who was just
passing and bowing respectfully, said:

“Now we shall have peace!”

“Why so?” asked the Czar, surprised.

“Why?” returned the Emperor, “because there goes Bismarck; _he is more
famous than we are_! The people will run after him now and give us a
rest.”


At His Expense

After recuperating for some weeks at Berchtesgaden, in the Austrian
Alps, during the summer of 1886, Prince William, the present Emperor of
Germany, accompanied by the Princess, went to Salzburg to meet their
royal grandfather. The aged monarch asked the Princess how she had
enjoyed herself.

“Oh very much indeed,” she said, “only at times I was dreadfully
homesick. I do so long to see my children.”

The Emperor asked, smilingly:

“But why didn’t you bring your little ones with you; the mountain air
would have been splendid for them.”

“Yes, but grandpapa, it would have cost too much!”

The Emperor nodded assent: “You are right; three little Princes do cost a
good deal.”

When the royal family met for a late supper, the Emperor handed a
telegram to his granddaughter. She looked at it, scarcely able to
comprehend the contents, until the old gentleman said with a kindly smile:

    “No need to keep you in suspense
    The children are coming—at my expense.”


The Emperor’s Thoughtfulness

While the Emperor and Empress were at Ems, Count von Gneisenau, a son of
the famous general of that name, was often asked to dine at the royal
table. It was his habit always to decline the after-dinner coffee. One
day he had again been a guest at dinner. A lackey offered him a cup of
coffee. The Count declined, without interrupting his conversation with
the Empress. A second time a cup was offered to him, and before he could
decline again, the Empress said: “Do take that cup!”

The Count obeyed, but held the cup in his hand. The Emperor coming up to
them remarked: “Why, Gneisenau, you are not drinking your coffee!”

The Count murmured a few words of excuse. “Well, you might at least look
at the cup!”

Gneisenau did so. Tears of emotion dimmed his eyes. On the cup was the
portrait of his father. With a benevolent smile, the Emperor said:

“I saw that cup this morning in one of the stalls of the promenade and
bought it for you! You must always drink out of it.”


Socks with Knots

The little Princess Feodora, of Sachsen-Meiningen, a great-granddaughter
of Emperor William I, was learning to knit, and the first thing
she wanted to do was to knit a pair of warm socks for her beloved
great-grandpapa at Berlin. In a few weeks the task was accomplished and
the gift sent off. It pleased the Emperor so much that he insisted on
putting the socks on at once.

During the evening it was noticed that his face looked drawn, as if he
was in pain; but on being asked if he was ill, he said smilingly:

“Do not worry, I am all right; but Feodora has made such a lot of immense
hard knots in her socks, that I feel as if I were screwed into one of the
old instruments of the inquisition!”


A Cause for Thankfulness

A general once asked the Emperor for a detachment of cavalry, for service
at the capital of his province. Laughing, the Emperor said:

“My dear general, you will have to ask that man,” pointing towards
Moltke; “he alone disposes of our army. I must be thankful if he leaves
me my guards!”


Equal to the Occasion

The Emperor was an enthusiastic sportsman. One day, while on a hunt with
a number of royal guests, he grew tired, and decided to go home quietly.
Two of his guests, noticing this, accompanied him. They had walked along
the road some distance when a farmer with his wagon overtook them. One
of the gentlemen asked him to take them along for a consideration. The
farmer consented and the three climbed into the farm-wagon.

Curiosity soon got the better of the countryman, and turning to one of
the gentlemen, he asked:

“And who might you be?”

“I am the Grand Duke of Mecklenburg.”

“May the——!” cried the farmer, laughing; and turning to the second
gentleman, he asked “and who are you?”

“I,” replied he, “am the King of Saxony!”

“Why, this is getting better,” cried the amused farmer. Finally he turned
to the third gunner with:

“Well, and who are you?”

“I am William, Emperor of Germany!”

“Well, this beats all!” said the countryman, partly amused, partly
indignant, “but I should certainly not have thought that such old
dignified gentlemen would find pleasure in fooling the likes of me! So
that you may know who is driving you, I’ll introduce myself: I, I am the
Shah of Persia!”

The shouts of laughter at this sally made the gentlemen forget their
fatigue.


The Day’s Expenses

While Crown Prince Rudolph of Austria was on his last visit to Emperor
William at the shooting-lodge, Letzlingen, the two, with four other royal
gunners, were playing a game of billiards at fifty pfennig, about eleven
cents, each.

The Emperor won, and soon after retired, but returned again to give some
directions about the next day’s hunt. The gentlemen were still playing.

“What is this game you are playing?” asked the Emperor.

“Oh, a child’s game, your Majesty, called ‘_Meine Tante, deine Tante_,’
my aunt, your aunt, or ‘_Naschi-Waschi_.’”

“I can play that,” said the Emperor, and staked the thaler he had just
won, and won another. Smiling, the Emperor put the money in his vest
pocket when one of the gentlemen remarked: “Your Majesty might try
it again,” but he replied, “No, thank you, this just covers to-day’s
expenses,” and retired again.


Contents of the Drawer

While visiting the Victoria-Bazaar, the Emperor asked one of the ladies,
just to please her, to explain the construction of the sewing-machine to
him and the Empress, who was with him. After other questions he asked for
what the little drawer was used. “To keep the small utensils belonging
to the machine in,” answered the young lady, somewhat embarrassed. The
Emperor expected that she would pull the little drawer out, but when she
did not do so, he concluded correctly, that the contents were not as
they should be. With a gay “With your permission?” he pulled the drawer
out and saw an appetizing sandwich reposing there. Smilingly the Emperor
asked the young lady:

“Does this utensil belong to the machine too?”

Quickly the lady replied: “Yes, your Majesty, to the machine of the human
body.”

Greatly pleased with this witty remark, the Emperor turned to the
Empress, saying: “This proves that sewing-machines do not dull the
working of the brain.”


That Was Different

After Emperor William had recovered from a severe illness in the spring
of 1885, his physicians would not give their consent to his attending
the coming manœuvres on horseback. They feared the great exertion would
be too much for the aged monarch, who was then eighty-eight years old,
and proposed that he should review them in a carriage.

“Impossible,” said the Emperor; “there is nothing more unsoldierly!”

“But your Majesty,” a General ventured to say, “even Frederick the Great
attended manœuvres in a carriage.”

“Oh, yes,” replied the aged monarch, “but he only did so during the last
years of his life.”


Coffee Instead of Water

While traveling in cold weather one time, the Empress Augusta stopped
at Dessau to have the hot bottle for her feet replenished. The Adjutant
and a lackey with the bottle, hurried into the restaurant to ask for hot
water. The attendant had just used the last of it to make coffee, and
after running around in great confusion he declared:

“I am very sorry, but there is not a drop of hot water.”

“What,” called a gentleman standing at the buffet, “you have no hot
water?” and instantly seizing the full coffee-pot he poured the boiling
contents into the warming bottle, and the guests had to do without coffee
for breakfast.

The Adjutant hurried out with his prey, but soon returned to ask, in her
Majesty’s behalf, the name of the inventor of the brilliant idea.

“My name is Cohn,” said he. He was afterwards for a long time Emperor
William’s private banker.


Had No Use For It

A sly dry goods merchant once sent to Emperor William a magnificent silk
lounging gown, thinking that that would bring him the custom of the
Court. The Emperor however sent the gown back with the laconical words:
“The Hohenzollerns do not wear lounging gowns.”


Made For the Boys

One day the Crown Prince Frederick William, later Emperor Frederick, was
walking alone in the streets of Berlin. Suddenly an old Jew accosted him
with the question: “Any old clothes?” The Crown Prince did not see him at
first. “Any old clothes, any old clothes?” the Jew, who did not know whom
he was pestering, kept calling.

At last the Crown Prince stood still, looked at the Jew astonished,
but asked pleasantly: “What is it you wish?” The dealer in old clothes
scraped a bow and said: “Have you any old clothes to sell?” At this the
Crown Prince laughed outright and answered: “My good friend, I have a
large family, and there are no old clothes; when I am done with anything,
it is made over for the boys.”


A Change of Methods

While the Crown Prince Frederick William was dedicating a chapel of the
University at Halle, he noticed among the students drawn up in line, one
whose face was a mass of scars. Turning to Dr. Volkman, the well-known
surgeon, he said, jovially: “That head gave you a lot of mending to do!”

“Ah, your Royal Highness,” answered the man of science, “that sort of
thing we sew only by machine now!”


Presented With a Leg

In honor of the presence of a number of crowned heads, who were taking
the waters, a gala performance was to be given at the theatre of Hamburg.
The first to appear in the royal box was the Grandduke of Hesse, with
two Princesses. He took a chair and sat down between them, when the
chair broke to pieces and his Royal Highness found himself sitting upon
the floor. The accident created great merriment both in the royal box and
among the audience.

Soon after, the Crown Prince Frederick William appeared in the box, and
when told of the mishap, laughed heartily and took pains to throw himself
heavily into his chair, but it held together. Finally the Prince of
Wales, now King Edward, appeared. The Crown Prince at once presented to
him the leg of the chair with the most comical solemnity.


Followed Instructions

When Emperor William and the Crown Prince visited Erfurt after the war
with France, the youths of the city enthusiastically greeted the latter,
whom they adored. The Crown Prince leaning from his carriage called out:
“Boys, in the carriage behind is Moltke; scream for all you are worth!”

And the boys certainly did it.


Without Success

One evening Alfred Grünfeld, the piano virtuoso, was playing before the
Crown Prince and Crown Princess. After the performance the Crown Prince
patted Grünfeld’s shoulder saying, “Do you know, my friend, that we are,
in a sense, colleagues?” Grünfeld bowed, but had to acknowledge that he
really did not know how he came to the honor of being a colleague of his
Royal Highness.

“Well, I will tell you,” said the Crown Prince. “I was, like yourself, a
pupil of Kullak’s, but—now you must not give this away—the good Kullak
wanted to make something of me, as he did of you, and he didn’t succeed.”


No Speeches, Please

While inspecting St. George’s Church, in Nördlingen, the Crown Prince
praised the splendor and size of it. He was told that the Catholic
Church in Dinkelsbühl was even larger and more beautiful, and he decided
to visit that also. The burgomaster at Dinkelsbühl was notified by a
telegram, so the city fathers awaited the Crown Prince. When he arrived,
the burgomaster advanced to make a speech, but the Crown Prince declined
to listen, saying: “Let me tell you something; we two will make a
compact. You promise not to say anything, and I’ll do the same.”


Obedience to Rules

The Crown Prince, while in Dresden, visited the Johaneum, the famous
collection of arms. Talking and smoking he walked about, when suddenly he
noticed a sign: “Smoking strictly forbidden.” At once he took his costly
Havana from his lips, put it into a boy’s mouth saying: “There, you
finish it, I must obey the rules.”


Sausage as a Remedy

While studying at the University of Göttingen, Bismarck was taken ill one
day. The doctor was sent for and ordered quinine. Soon after he had left,
a big box of “eatables” arrived from home. Bismarck went at it, consumed
about two pounds of sausage, washed down with several glasses of beer,
and then went to sleep. The fever left him.

Next day when the doctor came he said: “Thank heaven, dear doctor, the
fever is gone.”

“Yes,” replied the doctor, “quinine is a most excellent remedy.”

“Well it wasn’t exactly this time, you best of doctors, but two pounds of
sausage had the same effect, and nature may do the rest.”


To Suit All Parties

When the new two-mark piece was issued, a number proposed to call it
Bis-mark, bis being the Latin for twice. The National Liberals would then
have Bismarck in their pockets, the Socialists would see him beaten,
the Ultramontanes could get him changed whenever they liked, and to the
Government, the formation of a Bismarck party, would insure the most
wide-spread influence.


He Rose

Prince Bismarck and Count Kleist-Retzow, friends and related to each
other, accepted an invitation to a hunt of several days. The first day
the two followed the noble sport with great zest. When they returned
in the evening, Kleist-Retzow was so very much fatigued that he told
Bismarck that he would not rise at seven the following morning to
continue the hunt. While talking gaily over their wine, Bismarck said
that he would take care that he got out of his bed whether he liked it
or not. After they had retired, the Count locked and barricaded his
door against Bismarck’s attack the next morning, and then went to bed.
But once more Bismarck’s voice came from the next room admonishing his
friend to be sure and rise in good time.

“Keep quiet; I want to go to sleep,” replied Kleist-Retzow.

“Yes, and you’ll get up when I want you to, I’ll give you my word for
that,” returned Bismarck, and then went to sleep himself. At half-past
six in the morning, the Chancellor knocked at Kleist-Retzow’s door and
as it was not opened, he called to him to get up. The Count had not the
slightest intention of doing so, and Bismarck assured him again that
he would be out of his bed by seven. Kleist-Retzow lay still and paid
no attention to him. Bismarck took his shotgun, went into the yard,
stood before the window of his friend’s bedroom and shot through it
into the ceiling, so that the plaster fell down upon the Count’s head.
Kleist-Retzow, very much frightened, jumped up at once and went to the
window to see what had happened. Seeing nobody, he quickly put on his
clothes and hurried down-stairs. Bismarck came to meet him, greeted him,
and without changing a muscle, said: “I hope you have rested well; it is
just seven o’clock!”


A Novel Signal

In 1871, while Bismarck, as Ambassador of the Confederation, lived at
Frankfort, he occupied rooms in a private house. There was no bell in his
study with which to call his valet from his room on the floor above, so
he requested his landlord to have one put in. That gentleman, who was not
a friend of “that Prussian,” declined to do so, saying, that his tenants
always had done things of that sort at their own expense, and he didn’t
see why he should make an exception now.

Some time later in the day a pistol-shot rang through the house. Very
much frightened, the landlord ran through all the rooms until he came to
Bismarck’s study, where the still smoking pistol lay on the table, and
the smoking Bismarck sat quietly at work.

“For heaven’s sake, what has happened?” cried the landlord.

“Nothing at all,” said Bismarck, “that you need worry about. I just
signaled to my valet that I want him. It is a perfectly harmless signal.
I hope you will soon get used to it.”

It is hardly necessary to add that Bismarck got his bell in short order.


Despatch Sending Without Suspicion

One day, while the peace negotiations were in progress, the
representative from Hanover asked Bismarck how he managed to get his
despatches through the mails unopened. Bismarck, for answer, asked him to
take a walk with him. He took him to the poor district of Frankfort, to a
narrow street where only small stores were to be found. Arrived before a
little grocery, Bismarck, to his companion’s surprise, put on gloves and
then entered the store. His first question to the clerk was: “Do you keep
soap?”

“Yes sir.”

“What kinds?”

The clerk put several kinds before Bismarck, from which the latter
selected a particularly strong-smelling piece, and put it in his pocket.
Then he asked for envelopes and was shown some of the very cheapest kind.
Now Bismarck took a despatch from his inside coat-pocket, put it into
one of the envelopes, fastened it, and asked for pen and ink and began
to write the address. But of course with gloves he could not do it, so
he asked the clerk to do it for him. Then he put the envelope with the
despatch into the same pocket with the soap. When they were on the street
again Bismarck said to his companion: “Now, I defy them to smell my
despatch under a perfume composed of soap, herring, and cheese, and an
address written in such a hand.”


The Overburdened Horse

Prince Bismarck was suffering from great nervousness at one time, and was
obliged to stop smoking and drinking wine altogether for some weeks. When
he complained to Emperor William about it, his Majesty said:

“There you see the difference between us. I am ever so much older than
you, but I enjoy my cigar, can take a glass of wine, and am very well
with it all.”

“Oh yes, your Majesty, that is an old story,” returned the Chancellor;
“the rider always has it easier than the horse.”


Without Intent

Lord Russell, the English ambassador at the German court, called one
day on Prince Bismarck at the palace of the latter, in Berlin. During
conversation, Lord Russell remarked, that a man in the Chancellor’s
position must be bothered with a great many troublesome callers.

“God knows how true that is,” sighed the Prince.

“But you certainly have some remedy or other to get rid of such people
quickly?”

“Oh certainly,” laughed Bismarck, “one of my best is, that my wife comes
in to call me away on some pretext or other. Of course the caller can’t
remain after that.”

These words were hardly uttered, when the Princess entered, and said in
the most harmless way: “Otto, it is time to take your medicine; do not
forget it.”

Lord Russell broke into a ringing laugh and took his leave at once.


A Monotonous Diet

The following humorous story was first published in the Leipsic
_Tageblatt_. One day, during the siege of Paris, Count Lehndorff, the
Aide-de-Camp, visited Captain von Strantz, at Ville d’Avray, an outpost
near Paris. In reply to the Count’s question, how he was getting on,
the Captain said: “Oh quite well; I have just been dining for the
sixty-seventh time off roast mutton.” The Count laughed and rode on.
Next day an orderly called on the Captain with the following message:
“It having come to the ears of Count Bismarck, Chancellor of the
Confederation, that Captain von Strantz would doubtless be dining off his
sixty-eighth joint of mutton to-day, his Excellency sends him herewith
four ducks as a change of diet.”


They Danced to His Music

In May, 1891, a curious circumstance which, having occurred just before
Bismarck’s fall, might have indicated to him how slippery was the ground
on which he trod. He went one day to see the Emperor, who was busy, and
who sent word that he would see the Chancellor presently. Ere long the
royal children came in, and insisted upon his dancing with them. “No,”
said Bismarck, “I am too old to dance with you.” “Then you must play,”
they said. He accordingly sat down to the piano. Pretty soon the Emperor
came in, and, finding him thus engaged said: “So, here is the fourth
generation of the Hohenzollerns, which has to dance to your playing.”


The Better Cigar

Bismarck once gave to some friends the following droll account of Count
Moltke.

“When a declaration of war is floating in the air,” the Chancellor said,
“even Moltke gets talkative, and when we were in for it in 1870, he grew
ten years younger in a day. Before, taciturn and cross, he now chatted
pleasantly, got an appetite for champagne and heavy cigars, and lost the
last remnant of gout that he had acquired while resting on laurels that
had grown old. But at any rate, the famous old General is a comforting
example for all enthusiastic smokers. He shows how healthy smoking is,
and that one can grow old doing it. He showed his fondness for a good
cigar even in the battle of Königgrätz.

“On that memorable day in July, 1866, when victory and defeat hung for
hours in the balance, I was filled with disquietude and apprehension. I
rode up to Moltke, who sat on his horse like a statue, following every
movement of the battle. To talk to him was impossible; but I had in my
case two cigars left, a good one and a bad one. Without a word I offered
the case to Moltke, and without a word he took it, examined the two
cigars and selected the good one. This was enough encouragement for me,
for I said to myself, if the General can so calmly select the better
cigar, our chances must be good.”


His Winter Wheat

Directly after the declaration of war, in 1870, an old friend met Count
Moltke on the street, and remarked:

“You must be overburdened with work just now!”

“Oh no,” was the cold-blooded answer, “the work was all done beforehand.
All orders are issued, and I have really nothing to do!”

A few minutes later, he met a merchant, with whom he had done business at
Kreisau, who asked him anxiously about the outlook. “Well,” said the old
Field-Marshal in his mildest tone, “I am quite content; my barley crop,
it is true, was only middling, but my crop of winter wheat promises to be
immense and that, as you know, is the main thing.”


Looked Like One of Them

Once, while Moltke was at Ragaz for his health, he walked alone through
the woods to the village Pfäfers. It was very warm and he was thirsty, so
he went into the village inn and asked for a drink. The host sat down by
him and began:

“I suppose you are a guest at Ragaz?”

“Yes.”

“They say Moltke is there too!”

“Yes.”

“How does he look?”

“Well, how should he look? Just like one of us two.”


Wig Instead of Handkerchief

It was at Meaux, the night before the siege of Paris began. All the
Chiefs and Generals of the different divisions of the army, were
assembled in the Field-Marshal’s quarters, discussing plans and studying
maps and charts. It was two o’clock in the morning; a big fire was
burning in the grate; the room was intensely warm.

Moltke, so one of the officers tells us, was in a long dressing gown,
without his wig, was walking up and down, deeply engrossed in thought.
The heat made the perspiration stream down our faces. Suddenly one of us
looked up to ask the Field-Marshal a question, but stopped short and drew
the attention of the others to what he saw.

The General, too, had found it necessary to wipe the perspiration from
his face, but in his preoccupation he had not noticed, that in passing
his night-table, he had picked up his wig instead of his handkerchief
and was vigorously wiping his face with it. He kept it up for some time,
looking so exceedingly funny that we broke into shouts of laughter. When
we explained, he joined in our mirth.




CHAPTER XIII

_Students in the Fatherland_


Obvious

Professor:—“The old Greeks built their theatres in such a way that the
spectators sat in an uncovered space.”

Fresh student:—“But what did the old Greeks do when they were at the
theatre and it commenced to rain?”

Professor (thoughtfully taking off his spectacles, polishing them and
putting them on again):—“When it rained at the time the old Greeks were
at the theatre, the old Greeks got wet.”


Perhaps He Was Right

Professor:—“How do you find the size of a triangle?”

Student (mumbling to himself):—“What a fool that Professor is; how should
I know!”

Professor:—“What is that? Say it again; perhaps you were right.”


A Reminder

Professor M——, of Königsberg, whose house faced the cattle market, had
a number of enemies among the hot-headed students. Once when during a
lecture, they created an uproar, drumming on their desks, he said coldly:
“Gentlemen, for your own sakes I must beg of you not to remind me where I
live.” These few words soon restored quiet.


Long Buried

Professor (at a medical examination, showing a human bone):—“Can you
tell me about how long this bone might have been buried in the earth and
whether it is of the male or female sex.”

Student (after thinking for some time):—“The bone has been in the earth
since the death of its owner, and is of the male sex because we say:
_Der_ Knochen” (masc. article).


Remember Me

Professor (making a farewell speech):—“And now, young gentlemen, as you
are entering the life of the University, I ask you to avoid all drinking
bouts. Beer drinking makes stupid students. Remember me!”


Gave Him Away

Professor:—“I have to ask your indulgence for a few minutes. I left my
manuscript at home, but my little son will bring it at once.”

The little son (entering):—“Mother could not find the manuscript, so she
sends you the book from which you copied it.”


The Persistent Creditor

Creditor (who is receiving his money at last):—“There are still ten marks
missing, if you please!”

Student:—“I shall deduct those from the amount, for rent, since for the
past few months you lived at my lodgings more than I did.”


Watchman or Donkey

Student:—“Herr Nachtwächter (nightwatchman), I wish to ask you something.
May I call a Nachtwächter a donkey?”

Nachtwächter:—“Just you take yourself off, before I haul you in.”

Student (goes, but returns after a few steps):—“Now listen; I have
another question. May I call a donkey a Nachtwächter?”

Nachtwächter:—“You may, for all I care!”

Student:—“Well then, good-night, Herr Nachtwächter!”


He Had the Watch

Student:—“What time is it?”

Pawnbroker:—“Did you waken me in the middle of the night to ask me that?”

Student:—“Why of course, you’ve got my watch!”


Knew His Father

Professor:—“Well, young man, if your father should borrow a thousand
marks, promising to pay them back in yearly instalments of two hundred
and fifty marks, how much money would he still owe at the end of three
years?”

“A thousand marks.”

“Why, my dear sir, you don’t even know the rudiments of arithmetic.”

“Possibly not; but I know my father.”


An Acquired Taste

Student:—“Have you heard the latest news? Mischler’s brewery has burned
down!”

Innkeeper:—“How was that possible, with so much material on hand to
quench fire?”

Student:—“I can easily explain that. When the flames began to lick the
beer, they found they liked it.”


Twice Fetched

Student (coming home in the evening):—“Has my overcoat been fetched, Frau
Muller?”

Landlady:—“Oh yes; twice.”

Student:—“How is that?”

Landlady:—“Well, you see, first I fetched it from the tailor, and
afterwards the sheriff fetched it from your room.”


The Tell-tale Ticket

The end of the term has arrived. Freshman Muller has managed, by coaxing
all his uncles and aunts, to scrape enough capital together, to rescue
his dress suit and overcoat from the pawnshop and is now on his way home.
The following morning, when the first joy of having him at home again has
subsided, his mother begins to look over his clothes. She finds in his
overcoat the ominous pawnshop number, and sending for her son, she asks
sharply:

“What does this number mean?”

“Why, at the last University ball I left the coat in the dressing-room,
and I suppose they stuck the number on.”

Only half satisfied with this explanation, his mother dismisses him, but
soon after sends for him once more.

“Now then, I wish to know if you left your trousers also in the
dressing-room at that last ball?”


Wonderful Knowledge

Professor:—“What causes the Northern Light?”

Student (embarrassed):—“I did know it perfectly well, but have forgotten
it again.”

Professor:—“What an enormous loss for science! You are the only human
being who knew it once, and you had to forget it!”


Coffee Not Education

Porter (to a lot of students who at an early morning hour, noisily demand
admission into a closed café):—“Gentlemen, you want to have education?”

Students:—“No, coffee!”


An Apt Retort

Professor (very angry):—“You are the biggest fool here!”

Student (excited):—“Sir! You are forgetting yourself.”


The Other Side

“Is this the famous Kohlenberg?” asked a stranger of a student whom he
met while ascending it.

“Yes, sir, very famous and very interesting.”

“Would you have the kindness to tell me,” said the stranger, “whether
there are any legends or other dreadful tales associated with this
mountain?”

“A whole lot, sir, only recently two young men went up on this side and
never came back.”

“Horrible! What became of them?”

“Why, they went down on the other side.”


His Occasional Look

In the waiting-room of a small railway station, a crowd of noisy young
fellows were making fun of a student, who was walking impatiently up and
down, but stopped from time to time to look into the mirror. At last the
noisiest of the crowd called out:

“Say, are you in love with yourself, that you look into that glass so
often?”

“I only want a look at a gentleman now and then,” was the student’s calm
reply.


The Fifth Drink

Student:—“I drink too much! Why, mother, as a good son, I could not sleep
without having drunk your health. Now the first glass is for the alma
mater; the second, for the professors; the third, for science in general
and my special study; the fourth, I must drink to father’s health, so
it’s only the fifth that I can drain in your honor!”


A New Treatment

Professor:—“How do you treat the epidemic diseases prevalent at the
present time?”

Student:—“I treat them with the greatest contempt.”


An Ambiguous Amendment

While the cholera was raging at M——, the police issued an order that
everybody who went home after ten o’clock at night, must do so without
making any noise whatever, or pay a fine of five gulden. One night
several students who had sat over their beer too long, went home late,
singing lustily. The nightwatchman at once accosted them, and asked
whether they had not read the order that everybody must go home without
singing or making any other noise?

“Of course we have read it,” said one of the students, drily, “but we are
not going home.” This quick-witted answer confused the worthy watchman,
and he let them go. Next day the following amendment was read under the
order: “Nobody is permitted to sing or make any noise on the street at
night, whether they are going home or not.”


A Repetition by Request

A student who had failed in his final examination at the University,
returned home. At dinner his father asked how his examinations went.

“So well, that at general request, I have to go all through them again
shortly.”


He Drank Beer

Professor (examining a student):—“And how do you guard yourself against
impure water?”

Student:—“First, I boil it; secondly, I filter it!”

Professor:—“And thirdly?”

Student:—“I drink beer.”


One Was Enough

“You are engaged to be married to one of your fellow-students, Suffel?”

“Oh, yes; one of us is sure to pass the examination, and that is enough.”


Preferred Something Stronger

Gentleman:—“Don’t you drink water?”

Student:—“Never; I tried it once, and almost drowned.”


Two Alike

Among students. “What a spendthrift that Spund is! Day before yesterday
was the ‘First,’ and when I wanted to borrow from him to-day, he hadn’t a
pfennig.”


Ridiculous Idea

Father (to his son, an extravagant student):—“What? You want to start
a coin collection? That looks to me about as funny as it would if our
poodle started a sausage collection!”


Double Dodging

1st Student:—“Where do you have your clothes made, Spund?”

2d Student:—“Meyer and Strauss.”

1st Student:—“I should never get a double firm to work for me. Instead of
having to dodge only one creditor, you have to dodge two.”


With Intent

Student:—“Grandmother, you must have been a beautiful girl once!”

Grandmother (taking her pocketbook from her pocket):—“How much do you
want for your bout to-night, you rascal?”


She Knew Students

Student (renting a room):—“Shall I pay the rent in advance, Frau Muller?”

Landlady:—“No, never mind; I’ll save you the trouble of having to borrow
it again from me.”


Impossible

Fräulein:—“... And you risked your life gathering those Alpine roses for
me? Now just tell the truth, you bought them?”

Student:—“Oh, but gracious Fräulein, how could I—at the end of the month?”


Was Prepared

Uncle (before examination):—“Are you prepared, Karl?”

Student:—“Oh yes, for the worst.”


Worse Than He First Thought

Student (at a tavern hunting for his overcoat):—“My overcoat has been
stolen! Well, the thing isn’t worth much. Luckily the tailor has not been
paid yet, but there were fifty pfennigs in the pocket! It’s a perfect
outrage!”




CHAPTER XIV

_Women and Children_


Different Ways of Wooing

The Diplomat says:—“Oh, let us form an everlasting alliance.”

The Soldier:—“You gave my heart an incurable wound; or ‘you came; I saw;
you conquered.’”

The Doctor:—“Only you can cure my suffering heart.”

The Florist:—“Just one word from your lips and our path through life
shall be strewn with roses.”

The Builder:—“Let us plan our cottage together.”

The Sailor:—“Loveliest maiden, united to you, I could brave all the
storms of life.”

The Jeweler:—“This single band shall form a golden chain.”

The Scientist:—“Ah, let me explore your heart and read my happiness in
your eyes.”

The Sculptor:—“If your heart is not of marble, let my image dwell
therein.”

The Baker:—“Will you share my bread in joy and sorrow?”

The Candlemaker:—“You shall be the light of my life.”


A Pretty Compliment

Lady:—“The gentleman will surely buy this small bouquet!”

Gentleman:—“Certainly, madam, how much is it?”

Lady:—“Suppose we say twenty marks?”

Gentleman:—“Madam, that is too dear for me!”

Lady (pressing a kiss on the flowers):—“And now, sir?”

Gentleman (turning away):—“Now it is altogether beyond my means.”


A Habit of His

“My lady, there is a gentleman down-stairs, who wishes to see you!”

“Did he not give you his name?”

“No; he said it was not necessary.”

“You do not know him?”

“No; he pinched my arms and cheeks.”

“Oh, that is my brother Gustave.”


Tender-hearted

Young Housewife:—“Why Nanny, how can you be so heartless as to throw
those poor lobsters at once into boiling water? They ought to be put on
in fresh water so they could get used to the heat by degrees!”


When the Tide Comes In

He:—“I am going to take a bottle of sea-water home with me as a souvenir
from Norderney!”

She:—“But don’t fill it quite full, or it will burst on us when the tide
comes in.”


Malady to Suit the Place

“So that is why you are in the dumps, my dear; you want to go to
Wiesbaden, and are ordered to Ems. Don’t be offended, but if ever I pay a
yearly salary to my family physician, and should want to go to a certain
watering place, I would see that he found the proper malady for it.”


He Knew

Father:—“Karl, the stork brought you a little brother last night.”

Karl:—“I know it.”

Father:—“How’s that?”

Karl:—“I heard you say to the stork as he flew away, ‘Won’t you take an
umbrella; it is raining very hard.’”


A Protection

Lady:—“Were you not afraid to travel with your wife through the Abruzzen?”

Gentleman:—“Oh no! my mother-in-law always sat with the driver.”


Would Change His Mind

“I assure you, my friend, my son is dead in love with that actress. He
has told me repeatedly that he could not live without her.”

“Well, then let him marry her, and he will soon learn to!”


Retaliation

A farmer had worked all day in the field in storm and rain, and in the
evening, came home very tired, and wet to the skin. At the door, his dear
wife who had been in the house all day met him, and said: “Dear husband,
it has been raining so hard that I could not fetch any water, and so was
not able to cook a soup for you. Since you are so wet, fetch a couple of
pails; you can’t get any wetter.”

There was no disputing this fact, so the man took the pails and went to
the distant pump. When he returned to the house, his wife sat cozily by
the fire; so he took one pail after the other, poured the water over his
wife and said: “Now you are just as wet as I am, and you can fetch the
water yourself. You can’t get any wetter.”


Suited the Case

Sophie (to her elderly maiden aunt):—“Auntie, is not ‘to leave’
conjugated: I leave, I left, I have been left?”


A Worthy Setting

Women are the pearls of creation, and, as such, expect to be set in gold.


Women’s Rights

Since the fair sex has been talking so much about women’s rights, there
are fewer of the “right women” on earth.


Depends on the Age

When the suitor appears, the belle of seventeen asks: “Who is he?”—of
twenty-five: “What is he?”—and after ten years more: “Where is he?”


Extract From a Love-Letter

“Beloved Anton! I waited in the rain for you to-day at the corner. I hope
you have been ill. Shall come again to-morrow. Your true Anna.”


Economical Unhappiness

Wife:—“I don’t know what is the matter with our Clara; she does not wish
to go to the balls; she is indifferent to dress; the theatre no longer
gives her pleasure; and now she even refuses to go to a watering-place
for the summer. The girl must love unhappily.”

Husband:—“Good gracious! how economical! Sarah, could not you love me
unhappily for once?”


Not What He Expected

Admirer:—“It gives me the most exquisite pleasure to hear you say that
you discover daily how much I am like your sainted husband. Might I ask
in what I resemble him?”

Young widow:—“You have all his bad habits.”


To Please Him

Husband:—“You are lovely in this dress, that is true, but—the money!”

Wife:—“That does not count, when the object is to please you!”


Must Scream

Gentleman:—“But, ladies, this loud talking during the concert is
abominable!”

Lady:—“I fully agree with you. One must actually scream, to make oneself
understood.”


The Newest

“You wish a New Testament, madam?”

“Yes, but, please, the very newest.”


Painted Angels

Mother:—“My daughter does not please you?”

Gentleman:—“To tell the truth, I do not care for paintings.”

Mother:—“Pardon me, but did you ever see an angel, other than painted?”


No Economy Necessary

Cook:—“Miss Helene, please, shall I put a pinch of paprika into the
chicken-stew?”

Miss Helene (just back from boarding-school):—“Why, Anna, you do not have
to be so economical here; put a good big tablespoonful into it.”


Ignorant Professor

Lady:—“Do tell me, Professor, why we are called the fair sex?”

Professor:—“Well, I am sure I don’t know either.”


The Flirt

“... Oh, who dares to deny it! She knows how to chain the men! And
yet—caprice of nature—she never can chain one man!”


The Convenient Grandmother

Young Lady:—“Can I get a guide to write love-letters here?”

Clerk:—“For yourself?”

Young Lady (embarrassed):—“For myself?—oh, no! for—my—grandmother!”


Sharpening His Teeth

A housemaid was ordered to go to a guest’s room to tell him that dinner
was ready. She found him standing before the looking-glass, tooth-brush
in hand, cleaning his teeth. She gave her message, and on returning
to her mistress, said, “The gentleman will come at once; he is just
sharpening his teeth.”


Butter, Then Cheese

A butter-dealer and a cheese-monger were to be godmothers at a
christening. At church the latter pushed herself into the place of honor,
next to the mother. But the butter-dealer stepped in front of her saying,
“Butter comes before cheese.”


Thoroughly Washed

Young wife (fresh from boarding-school):—“Oh, Kathi, what are you doing?
That fish does not need washing! Why he has been in water all his life.”


Forethought

To a Banker. “Why do you let your daughter marry your cashier?”

“Precaution, my dear sir; if he ever runs away with the bank’s money, my
daughter will, in all probability, get some of it.”


To Suit Her Mourning

At a Ball. “May I ask for the first waltz?”

“Certainly—but please, Doctor, dance a little slower; I am still in
mourning.”


Inhospitality

Lady:—“But John, my guests drank only three bottles of champagne
yesterday, and here are four missing.”

John:—“Did they drink only three? Well, I didn’t count them,—I don’t
think it is nice to watch one’s guests.”


Too Literal

Intended Husband:—“You know, Bertha, I would go to the end of the world
for you!”

Fiancée:—“Then, please, stay a few days longer with us.”

Intended Husband:—“Why, my dear Bertha, I should lose my return ticket!”


A Fatal Mistake

Doctor’s Wife:—“Why, my dear husband, what are you so dreadfully excited
about?”

Doctor:—“Just think of it! By mistake I signed my name under the
question, ‘Cause of death,’ in a death certificate!”


Her Faulty Geography

An Eskimo family was being exhibited at the zoölogical gardens. The young
wife of an Army officer who had taken her there, asked them, “How do you
like it in Berlin?” and as the Eskimos kept silent, not understanding
her, the talkative little woman went on, “Don’t you think it’s nicer
here, than in Eskimo?”


A New Composer

Lady:—“Dear Emilie, by whom is this magnificent piece, that is being
played?”

Emilie:—“I think it is by ‘Da Capo,’ an Italian composer, who has written
a great many pieces.”


Eels by the Yard

Young Housewife (helping the cook prepare the menu for a
dinner-party):—“As second course, we will have baked eel.”

Cook:—“How much shall I order, my lady?”

Young housewife:—“I think ten yards ought to be enough.”


A Hint

“Say, papa, when I am a papa, I’ll make Liesel roast a goose for me, too;
but I shall give my little boy some of it.”


A Young Lady’s Diary on an Ocean Steamer

First Day. Stormy weather; poor company.

Second Day. Captain very amiable; offers me his heart and hand. Refused.

Third Day. Captain renews his offer. Threatens to kill us both and to
blow up the vessel with three hundred souls on board. Refused.

Fourth Day. Saved three hundred lives.


Toast to Women

“The ladies lessen our sorrows, double our joys, and treble our expenses.
Long may they live!”


A Precaution

“Auntie, do you like chocolates?”

“Oh yes, little one, I love them!”

“Ah! Then I had better ask grandmamma to take care of my box of bonbons.”


A Novice in Gardening

Husband:—“Just think, little wife, I saw the first asparagus in the
garden. Would it give you pleasure to cut it yourself?”

Young Housewife (trying to hide her ignorance in this direction):—“I tell
you what, Adolf; we’ll go together. You pick it off, while I hold the
ladder.”


Poor Memory

Servant:—“Will you please tell me, madam, where you buy your sausages?”

Mistress:—“On Humboldt Street.”

Servant:—“I am afraid I can’t remember that.”

Mistress:—“Just think of the Kosmos.”


A Different Meaning

Bride:—“What is the name of that beautiful star over there?”

Bridegroom:—“That is Venus.”

Bride:—“What does it mean?”

Bridegroom:—“The happiness of love!”


Twenty Years Later

Wife:—“What is the name of that beautiful star over there?”

Husband:—“It’s the evening star; don’t know the name of it.”

Wife:—“Do you know what it means?”

Husband:—“That it is getting night.”


Hard on Him

A flirt is a rose, of whom each plucks a leaf; the thorns remain for the
future husband.


Her Idea of Rome

Gentleman:—“You were some time in Italy, Baroness; how did you like Rome?”

Baroness:—“Rome? Just wait a moment! (To her daughter.) Emma, was it not
at Rome where we bought those poor gloves?”


Misunderstood

Baroness (returning home):—“Maria, I cannot suffer you to take your
sweetheart into the kitchen!”

Cook:—“Your ladyship is very kind, but my sweetheart would not go into
the salon!”


Not Men Pleasers

Husband:—“I wish you would tell why you women are forever dressing up and
have to have such a lot of new clothes all the time; do you think such
extravagance pleases the men?”

Wife:—“Oh, we don’t care to please the men; we want to make the other
women jealous!”


Depends on the Kind

Little Fritz (to the cook):—“Anna, how do you spell ‘sauce’?”

Cook:—“Sauce? Well, you see, Fritz, there are so many different kinds of
sauce!”


A Question of Likes

Gentleman:—“Mein Fräulein, do you like sauerkraut?”

Fräulein:—“Why, what a queer question to ask me!”

Gentleman:—“Well, you see, I love the little sausages that go with it, so
if you liked sauerkraut, we should match beautifully.”


Thought for the Future

Professor:—“Well, dear Elise, after passing such a brilliant examination,
I suppose you will settle down at once to practice law?”

Student:—“Oh, no, I am going to enter the government service; else my
future husband would not receive a—pension.”


Conclusive Evidence

A little girl was heard holding the following monologue:

“Did God really make the whole world? I couldn’t do it. It must have been
dreadfully hard. But I know one thing He didn’t make, this washrag of my
doll’s; I knitted that myself, the dear Lord can’t knit.”


Misery Loves Company

Little Carl had been scolded a good many times for dropping and breaking
things. One day his mother happened to drop and break a cup. “Why,
mother, now you are a naughty boy, too!” exclaimed the little one.


Uncle and the Donkey

There is nothing like a jolly and good-natured uncle in a family. What
fun the children have with him! Just now they are all hanging around him
waiting for what is coming next.

“Now, young gentleman,” he says to the oldest, “I am going to give you a
riddle. It is gray, has rather large ears, and you can ride on it; what
is it?”

“Why uncle, that is you,” cries the youngest, joyfully.


The Unsuccessful Ruse

Little Anna was ill in bed, and could not be induced to take her pill.
Her clever mamma hid it in a preserved pear and gave her that. After a
while she asked: “Well, my darling, have you eaten your pear?”

“Oh, yes, mamma,” answered the little one, “all but the pit.”


An Ancient Fowl

Elsie (who, with her mamma, is dining off a very tough chicken at a
railway station):—“Mamma, don’t you think this chicken must have been
hatched from a hard boiled egg?”


A Classical Maid

Lady:—“Has the Baron not been here yet to-day?”

Maid:—“Everything has been here once,” says Lessing, “but—the Baron has
not been here yet.”


From the Diary of a Singer

Monday:—“Aïda.” Starved with my lover in the prison cell.

Tuesday:—Sang “Gilda” in “Rigoletto.” Was murdered and dragged from the
stage in a bag.

Wednesday:—In “Traviata” I sang “Violetta,” and coughed
virtuos-tuberculos, my life away.

Thursday:—As “Selika” (in l’Africaine) died from the poisonous odor of
the Manzanillen tree.

Friday:—Sang the “Jewess,” and as a _finale_ was thrown into a kettle of
boiling oil.

Saturday:—As “Sulamithe” in the “Queen of Saba” was suffocated in the
Simoom of the desert.

Sunday:—“Hamlet” and I as “Ophelia” drowned—under a storm of applause—in
the brook. How beautiful it is, to be able to devote one’s art and one’s
life to give _pleasure_ to one’s fellow-men!


Deep Mourning

Count:—“Gracious lady, are you not dancing to-night?”

Lady:—“Not till after midnight, Count.”

Count:—“Why not until then?”

Lady:—“Because to-day is the anniversary of my husband’s death.”


Without Nerves

Mother (coming home, meeting her children):—“Why, children, how you do
look; where have you been?”

Walter:—“At the Major’s, across the street, mamma, and didn’t we have a
great time playing!”

Elsa:—“And just think, mamma, Clara’s mother has no nerves at all!”


Unaccountable Stupidity

Fanny had succeeded in coaxing her mother to take her to hear
“Lohengrin.” During the performance she turns to her mother and says:
“Why, mamma, how stupid of Elsa to ask Lohengrin his name, when all she
had to do was to look at the program!”


A Gentle Hint

“Ah, sir, if ever I should have grandchildren, I could not wish them a
better father than yourself!”


A Suggestive Question

“So sad to-day, Miss Alice?”

“Oh, yes; I am very unhappy!”

“May I ask why?”

“Papa told me just now, that we are going home to-morrow.”

“Am I perhaps the happy one, on whose account you are so very unhappy?”


The Swan Song

“Is it true, mamma, that swans sing before they die?”

“Yes, my child! but come, stop feeding them or you will make them ill.”

“That is just what I want to do. I am going to feed them till they die. I
do want to hear a swan-song, so much!”


A Slight Misunderstanding

“So you have but just returned from a trip to Paris! You visited the
Louvre, I suppose?”

“Oh, certainly, was so delighted with it, that I went all over it!”

“And which one of the many magnificent pictures pleased you most,
Baroness?”

“Pictures? I did not see any pictures; the velvet coats charmed me most!”

“Ah, then you were at the dry-goods store ‘Louvre’!”

“Why, where else did you think?”


The Boy Understood

Minister (who has a few boy boarders):—“So you have sunk so low, Fritz,
as to steal my milk from the cellar! But who is it, from whom you can
conceal nothing; who sees everything; before whom I myself am nothing but
a grain of sand?”

Fritz (weeping):—“Your wife, sir!”


A Child’s Request

The mother, on leaving the room, warns her little daughter: “Don’t think
of taking a pear from the basket when I am gone; you know, little one,
that if I cannot see you, the dear Lord can.” Mother gone, the little
girl can’t resist the temptation, and looking up to heaven, she says, in
a pleading voice: “Dear Lord, do please turn around!”


The Order of Things

“Mamma, I know how things in this world are ordered,” said little Bertha,
who had just administered a severe rebuke to her doll. “The doll must
mind me; I must mind the nurse; the nurse must mind you; you must mind
papa; papa must mind the Emperor; the Emperor must mind God; and God——”
here she stopped, thought a moment, and then said decidedly—“and God must
mind Bismarck.”


A Large Hood

“The dear Lord must wear a very large hood, mamma!”

“Why so, child?”

“Because at school we always pray:

    “‘Make us, dear Lord, pious and good,
    And take us all beneath Thy hood!’”


Not to Her Liking

A pretty little girl was often hurt by the way the neighbors and servants
talked about her red hair. One day her grandmother tried to comfort her,
saying: “Dear child, God made your hair, and everything He does is well
done.”

“Oh, but then I would rather He would not make anything more for me,”
declared the little one.


Her Fears

Little Elsie was at a children’s party with her nurse. In the evening
there were fireworks set off. When the first sky-rocket went up, the
child began to cry bitterly, calling to her nurse in a voice full of
fear, “They are shooting the dear Lord!”


Only the Repair Angel

Lieschen, on Christmas day with her new doll:—“See, Hannchen, what a
beautiful new doll the Christ-child has brought me!”

Hannchen (with an old, but repaired doll):—“My mamma said that only the
repair angel came to us this year.”


A Question of Belief

At the examination the children were to say the creed before the
superintendent. It was practiced so that three children were each to say
one article.

The first began: “I believe in God the Father——”

The superintendent skipped the second, and asked the third: “Go on,
child!”

“I believe in the Holy Ghost!”

“No; I believe in Jesus Christ!”

“No I don’t believe in Him. He believes in Him,” said the boy, pointing
towards his overlooked neighbor.




CHAPTER XV

_Miscellaneous_


A Rope Without End

Two sailors were winding up a rope, and did not finish as quickly as they
expected.

“Where in the world,” cried one of them impatiently, “is that end?”

“I bet,” returned the other, “they have cut it off.”


The Long Dressing-gown

The wife of a well-known Berliner presented him on his birthday with a
dressing-gown. Agreeably surprised, he tried it on, but found that it
was about six inches too long. In the night a violent storm occurred.
The anxious wife arose and, to pass the time, took the dressing-gown and
shortened it. Then she retired again.

Now, with the family lived a very active sister-in-law, who was in the
habit of rising very early. On this morning she saw the dressing-gown,
and thinking to please her brother-in-law, she took it down and
shortened it six inches more. After breakfast the two ladies went to
market, and the husband, thinking of his dressing-gown, before going
to business, ordered the cook to take it to the tailor, and have it
shortened about six inches. In the afternoon the tailor returned it—a
jacket with tails.


A Suabian Prussian-hater

“We are nowhere, since we joined the Prussians; we must be soldiers, we
must pay taxes, and we must keep our mouths shut!”

“Now, tell the truth, Hans; when were you a soldier? When did you pay
taxes, and when did you ever keep your mouth shut?”


Equal to the Occasion

A clergyman living near Rastock, had an old man, one of his farm-hands,
drive him to Warnemünde to inspect a man-of-war. On the way he talked
about the big vessel they were going to see.

“Oh,” said his farm-hand, “I’ve seen a vessel like that often enough.”

“Where did you ever see a man-of-war?”

“At Portsmouth, when my regiment was shipped.”

“How did you get to Portsmouth?”

“We came there from Quebec. I was stationed in Canada a long time. Lots
of Indians there. They loafed around the streets, even their color wasn’t
like ours.”

“But how did you get there?”

“From Gibraltar, where it’s dreadfully hot, and nothing is there but
stones and rocks. Oh yes, they’ve monkeys and loads of dust.”

“But how in the world did you happen to strike Gibraltar?”

“Went with the Englishmen.”

“And how did you get among the Englishmen?”

The farm-hand scratched his head, grinned, and said: “I ran away from
here, because I did not want to be a soldier.”


The Last Train

“Could you tell me when the last train for Potsdam is going to leave?”
asked a traveler of his neighbor at the station.

“Well,” said he dryly, “I don’t suppose either of us will live to catch
it.”


A Questionable Dish

A German merchant dining with a Chinese Mandarin at Hongkong, seemed to
be very much pleased with the foreign dishes. He had just been enjoying
a roast, when the disquieting thought struck him, that he might have been
dining off a cat, as he had been told that the Chinese ate cats as well
as rats. He determined to find out. But unluckily the Chinaman did not
speak German, and the German did not understand Chinese, so the latter
pointed at the dish saying: “Miau, miau!”

“Wow, wow!” said the Chinaman, shaking his head.


The Host Could Not Leave

At a large evening party, one of the guests stood in a corner yawning.

“Are you very much bored, sir?” asked his neighbor.

“Yes, dreadfully,” was the answer. “And you?”

“Oh I am bored to death too.”

“How would it do, to clear out together?”

“I am sorry I can’t; I am the host.”


Proof Without Doubt

“Say, do you think we need the sun more than the moon?” asked one
corner-lounger of another.

“What a foolish question,” replied the other; “of course we need the
moon more; it’s light enough in daytime anyhow.”


A Question of Numbers

Professor (to a shepherd):—“A shepherd once told me that black sheep eat
a great deal less than the white ones. I supposed he told me a story?”

Shepherd:—“No, not at all!”

Professor:—“Well, how is that?”

Shepherd:—“Why, you know there are a great many more white ones than
black ones.”


Difference of Opinion

A young officer and a clergyman met at a party. The former, intending to
be witty, said: “If I had a stupid son, I would make a clergyman of him!”

The clergyman replied: “How opinions differ! Your sainted father thought
otherwise.”


He Could Not Swim

“Which one of you can swim?” asked a gentleman who wished to be rowed
across the lake. At once a number of boatmen surrounded him, crying:

“I, sir; I!” Only one remained at a distance.

“Can you not swim?” he asked the man.

“No, sir,” answered the boatman.

“Then you are the one to row me over.”


Gave What They Wished

During war time a parson wished to rouse his congregation to more
enthusiastic patriotism, so, when addressing them one day, he cried: “Ha!
Already I see the enemy coming, see him enter your village, burn your
homes, take away your wives and daughters! Yes, they are coming, they are
near; do you see the flags waving? Do you hear the beating of the drums?”
at the same time drumming on the pulpit with both fists. Immediately
the schoolmaster behind the pulpit imitated the blowing of a bugle. The
parson turning around, whispered: “Schoolmaster, what are you doing?”

“I am helping you, sir,” he replied. “I know our farmers. Infantry alone
won’t do; you want cavalry too.”


Located at Last

In one of Munich’s streets, a crowd had gathered around a little lost
boy. He answered all questions as to his name, where he lived, with: “I
don’t know.” There seemed nothing left to do, but to take him to the
police station, when some knowing fellow had a bright thought. He planted
himself in front of the boy saying, “Now you just tell me, sonny, where
do you buy your beer?”

“At the Franziskaner,” was the quick reply. There he was taken and was
soon identified.


A Wife’s Ten Commandments

1. Beware of the first quarrel. When it comes, fight it out bravely to
the end; it is of far-reaching consequence, that you should come out
victorious.

2. Never forget that you are married to a man, not to a God; then his
shortcomings will not surprise you.

3. Do not pester him continually for money, but try to get along with
your weekly allowance.

4. If your husband should not possess a heart, he undoubtedly owns a
stomach; you will be wise, if you try to gain his favor with well-cooked
food.

5. Now and then, not too often, let him have the last word; it pleases
him and you lose nothing by it.

6. Read something besides the death and birth-notices in the paper; it
will surprise him occasionally, that he can talk about current events
and politics at home, without having to go to the tavern for it.

7. Always, even when quarreling, be polite to him. Remember that you
looked up to him before marriage; don’t look down on him now.

8. At appropriate intervals permit him to know more than you do; it will
preserve his dignity, and it will be to your advantage to acknowledge,
now and then, that you are not infallible.

9. Be your husband’s friend, if he is clever; if he is not, try to
elevate him to be yours; never descend to his level.

10. Respect your husband’s relatives, particularly his mother; she has
loved him longer than you have!


Tempi Passati

“I count on your taking part in our charity-concert, Doctor. I have often
had occasion to admire your beautiful voice.”

“I regret exceedingly, sir, but since I have been married I have no
longer a voice.”


Forgot His Name

Professor Schnudlich (to letter-carrier):—“Any letters for me?”

Letter-carrier:—“What is your name?”

Professor:—“My—my—well now, I can’t think of my own name! I am always
forgetting something! And my wife, Frau Professor Schnudlich, is away
too. She could tell it to you instantly.”


The Lion’s Share

“How starved this lion looks, and yet the city allows a lot of money for
their food!”

“Well, I suppose the keeper takes the lion’s share.”


A Pious Wish

Lieutenant:—“Then you refuse me your daughter’s hand, sir? Ah, would that
my grief might soften your heart!”

Banker:—“I am sorry, sir, but in this instance I don’t follow my heart,
but my brain.”

Lieutenant:—“And may I not hope for a softening of the brain?”


The End in Sight

A tradesman punished his erring apprentice, saying, at the same time,
“How much longer are you going to serve the evil one?”

The boy replied, “You ought to know best, master; I believe my time is up
in four months.”


Flattering Likeness

One beautiful summer afternoon, Herr Fraulich decided to take his family
for a drive on the Prater in Vienna. After spending two hours over her
toilet his wife appeared at last, leading their little son.

“Oh Kathi,” cried the husband, when he saw them, “how could you dress the
child up like that! He looks simply crazy! I am not going to take you out
this way. I don’t want people to think that I am parading a monkey.”

On this there was an exchange of sharp words, but finally the husband
gave in and they set out. But on the stairs, Herr Fraulich, to spoil
his wife’s triumph, said, “You may say just what you like, I stick to
it—Franz looks just like a monkey.”

At the house-door they met a friend. She greeted them, kissed little
Franz, and remarked:

“What an angel of a child your Franz is—the very image of his father!”


The Stove Smoked

Servant:—“I am glad you like the room, sir. I hope you don’t mind smoke!”

Gentleman:—“Oh no, I smoke a great deal myself.”

Servant:—“That’s good; the stove here does too.”


A Novelty

Dude:—“Pshaw! Life is stale! I believe I’ll kill myself some day. But
how?”

“Have a thought shoot through your head for once.”


A Wonderful Cure

A gentleman who had trouble with his eyes went to an oculist to have
them examined. The physician took the eye out, put it on the table,
and examined the socket. When he turned around he was horrified to see
the cat in the act of swallowing the eye. He grabbed her, carried her
outside, took out one of her eyes, and returning to the consulting room,
replaced the gentleman’s with the cat’s eye, and told him to come back in
a week.

When the patient returned the oculist asked him if he could see.

“Oh, yes,” he answered; “I can see by day as well as by night.”

“Do you sleep well?”

“So, so! One of the eyes sleeps soundly, but it’s strange, the other
seems to be constantly on the lookout for mice.”


No Apology Necessary

A missionary was invited to a dinner at which the daughters of the house
appeared in low-neck dresses. The host thought it necessary to apologize
for the fashion. “Oh,” said the missionary, “I don’t mind it at all. I
ought to be used to it, having spent ten years among the aborigines.”


More Reliable

Wife:—“I believe you love your pipe better than you do me!”

Husband:—“Well, that doesn’t go out as much as you do!”


Easily Explained

Son:—“Is it true, father, that there are people living on the moon?”

Father (not wishing to betray his ignorance):—“Certainly, son.”

Son:—“But what becomes of the people when the moon wanes?”

Father:—“They wane too.”


A Karlsbad Scheme

“What doctor have you, Rosenthal?”

“What doctor? My neighbor in the next room has a doctor. When he comes
to see him, I listen at the door, and whatever he orders, I do. What need
have I, then, to spend a lot of good money on a doctor?”


A Good Financier

“Will you tell me, my dear friend, how you manage, that you are never
pressed for money, but always have plenty of it?”

“That is very simple; I never pay old debts.”

“But how about the new ones?”

“I let them grow old.”


Why Eve Had no Servant

“There is a great deal of talk about women’s faults, and the reasons why
they need so much waiting upon. The question has even been asked—by a man
of course,—why the dear Lord, in making Eve, from one of Adam’s ribs, did
not make a servant for her at the same time.

“We are able to answer this question satisfactorily. She simply did not
need a servant.

“And why not? Because Adam never came to Eve, lamenting over a pair of
torn socks, asking her to darn them, or with a shirt that had parted
company with its buttons, or with a pair of ripped gloves that wanted
mending at once. Neither did he walk around in the mud smoking cigars and
then come back with boots that needed blacking.

“Neither did he sit yawning behind a newspaper, and, as soon as the sun
went down, ask gruffly: ‘Will supper be ready soon?’

“Instead of this, Adam lit the fire himself, put the kettle on, pulled
the radishes, pared the potatoes, and, in general, did his duty. He was
satisfied with one dish, and did not grumble, if Eve did happen to make
a mess of it for once. They didn’t bother with serviettes, they used a
palmleaf. He didn’t put a boiled shirt in the wash every day. He milked
the cows and fed the chickens. He never brought half a dozen friends to
dinner, when one was not in the least prepared for them. He did not stay
out late at night playing cards; it was not necessary for Eve to sit up
and worry. He didn’t lounge around saloons, while Eve sat at home rocking
little Cain. He never scolded and looked for his slippers in the corner
where ‘he knew’ he had put them. When he took off his boots, he put them
in their place under the fig-tree.

“In short—he did not think that Eve had been created for the sole purpose
of waiting upon him; he did not harbor the fixed idea, that it was
degrading to a man to lighten his wife’s burdens. These are the reasons,
gentlemen, why Eve had no need of a servant.”


Would Suit Exactly

A vivacious woman, who was talking to a statesman about the Woman’s
Rights question, suddenly asked:

“What position would you give me if women filled government positions as
well as the men?”

“I would give you the management of a deaf and dumb asylum.”

“And why?”

“Because those unfortunates would either have to learn to talk or you
would have to learn to keep silent.”


Reason

Reason is the only thing we can lose without ever having possessed it.


There Would Be No Use

Gentleman:—“Don’t you love Heine?”

Old Maid:—“Why should I? The man is dead!”


Good Advice

“Waiter, close those windows; there is a draught, and I am suffering with
rheumatism. I can’t have the door open, either, or my feet get cold, and
don’t you go and wipe those tables, you’ll raise a dust and I have a
cough! My tea must not be strong either, as I am nervous.”

“If I were you, I would go to a hospital and be put in an incubator.”


Appropriate to Men

Gentleman:—“At fifty we may call the ladies ‘old women,’ may we not,
gracious lady?”

Lady:—“Certainly, and many men much sooner.”


A Distinction

Some one says of the residents of Munich: “When they rise in the morning
they are beer barrels, and when they retire at night they are barrels of
beer.”


Cheap Communication

Father (to his son going on a long journey):—“Benjamin, when you arrive
at Krotoschin, you needn’t waste any paper writing a letter. I’ll give
you a stamped envelope addressed to me; you just mail that, and I’ll know
that you arrived safely.”

Son:—“Father, you can save the postage. I’ll mail it without the stamp,
and you just refuse to take it.”


Objected to Her Mother

Mother:—“I wish you would tell me, Franz, why you don’t want to marry
Fräulein Neumann. I tell you, the girl is a pearl.”

Son:—“That is quite possible, but I don’t like the mother-of-pearl.”


His Confession

A thief while at confession, stole the confessor’s watch.

“I have stolen,” declared the thief.

“Then you must give the stolen article back to its owner,” said the
priest.

“I will give it to you.”

“No, I don’t want it.”

“But if the owner won’t take it,” asked the thief, “what shall I do then?”

“Then, in God’s name, keep it,” answered the unsuspecting priest.


A la Munchausen

A:—“Look, on the weather-vane of that church-tower sits a fly.”

B:—“Yes, I see him, and what’s more, he is yawning just now, and has a
hollow tooth in his mouth.”


He Found Them

Three wags met an old Jew. “Good-morning, Father Abraham!” cried the
first. “Good-morning, Father Isaac!” the second. “Good-morning, Father
Jacob!” the third.

“You are mistaken, gentlemen,” said the Jew; “I am neither Abraham, nor
Isaac, nor Jacob; I am Saul, who went to look for his father’s asses, and
I’ve found them, I’ve found them!”


A Horse-thief’s Excuse

“You villain,” said the judge to the horse-thief, just brought before
him, “how did you dare to steal a horse from the street, in the middle of
the day?”

“I steal a horse?” returned the thief. “Let me tell your Honor, that in a
very narrow street a horse stood right in my way. I was in a hurry, and
wanted to drive him on in front of me when a voice cried, ‘Take care,
that horse kicks!’ Then I tried to push past him, and go my way, when
somebody called out, ‘Hold on, that beast bites!’ Now what else could I
do, if I did not want to be bitten, but to jump on him as quickly as I
could? And I had hardly touched the saddle when the impatient horse takes
the bit between his teeth and runs. He took me fourteen miles, and that
is how I came to be here, your Honor. Now did I steal that horse, or did
that horse steal me?”


The Henpecked Husband

Doctor (to a patient whose wife died six months before):—“You may live a
good many years yet, if you are careful.”

Patient:—“That’s all right, Doctor, but just think of the reception my
sainted wife will give me if I keep her waiting so long.”


Without Charm

“Well, Louise, as the wife of such a promising physician, you must lead a
charming life!”

“Oh, yes! a very charming life, to sit all day long, muffled up to my
eyes, in the waiting room, making believe I’m a patient!”


The Janus Statue at Munich

“Oh say, I like this statue!”

“So do I; just think of having two throats, and to be permitted to carry
the door-key!”


Conscientious

“Sarah,” said Moritz one morning to his wife, “Sarah, offer me one
hundred and fifty marks for my hops!”

Sarah:—“Well, I offer you one hundred and fifty marks for your hops.”

Moritz then went to the hop market where a dealer offered him one hundred
marks for his crop.

“What,” cries Moritz, indignantly, “one hundred marks! May the lightning
strike me, if I haven’t already been offered to-day one hundred and fifty
marks.”


In the Laundry

Neighbor:—“What in the world is your husband doing in the laundry all
morning?”

The Poet’s Wife (angrily):—“He is forever writing his poetry on his
cuffs! Now he is hunting in the wash-boiler, for the fourth verse of his
last poem.”


His Love for Lilacs

“My wife is attention personified! Some time ago I happened to mention
that I loved all lilacs—and what do you suppose I saw, when my birthday
came around?”

“Well—a beautiful bouquet of lilacs on the table.”

“No, sir! My wife, in a new lilac dress!”


His Mistake

Herr Schanz, of Berlin, came to W. on a pleasure trip. He stopped at the
hotel “Krone,” and was given a room on the third floor.

That night he started for home feeling a little muddled. He lost his way,
and strayed into the hotel “Kronprince” on the same street, which was
only two stories high. When he reached the second floor and saw the roof
above him, he shook his heavy head incredulously, and shouted down the
stairs, “Say, porter, what kind of a monkey-shine is this? What’s become
of that third story?”


Popularity—A Fable

“You need not be so proud of your flowers,” said the thorns to the
rose-bush. “It is to us you owe the greater part of your popularity!”


Asked Too Much

“What! your parents wish to force you to marry that old banker!”

“Indeed they do, and what is more, they want me to study medicine, as he
is always ailing!”


A Reliable Guide

“Good gracious, fellow, did I not order you to burn all my old
love-letters, and here I find them bound on your table?”

“Please excuse me, Captain, but my cook always wanted a guide for
love-letters, and so I thought yours would do nicely!”


An Adjustment of Accounts

Host (to a stranger who is settling his account):—“I am two marks short
of your change. Let me look at the account again, perhaps I can think of
something else to put down!”


Claims to Greatness

A:—“Who is the gentleman, to whom you were speaking a while ago?”

B:—“Ah, that’s a great man! He is one of the ten-thousand foremost
writers of our day!”


Caught

Gentleman (in a cigar store):—“Can you recommend that brand of cigars,
‘Ne plus Ultra’ with a good conscience.”

Dealer:—“Certainly, sir; they are absolutely perfect and remarkably
cheap.”

Gentleman (smilingly lighting one of them):—“I am very glad to hear you
say so—all the more, since you wrote to me, that they were not fit to
smoke, and not worth half the money I charged you for them. I am the
manufacturer!”


A Shopping Aid

“The best thing for us to do, my dear Edward, will be to get an
automobile. If we ride up to the dry-goods store in one of these, we can
get enough goods on credit, so that we can live well by simply pawning
them.”


The Very Latest

“Since your future husband is so devoted to all kinds of sports, I
suppose you will make your wedding trip in a balloon?”

“Why no, that is out of date,—in a submarine vessel.”


A Select Neighborhood

“The people living in our part of the city are of that class who can pawn
their automobiles during the carnival season.”


Tricks of Fate

“Well, how is your flying-machine progressing?”

“I am sorry to say, it fell into the ocean.”

“And how far along are you with your submarine boat?”

“That flew up into the air!”


Another Consideration

“You must get an automobile, Rudolph!”

“Well, I might get one on credit—but how about the benzine?”


Each Had Its History

A woman lawyer, showing her dresses, said, “In this dress, my dear
friends, I defended the infamous murderer, Muller; in this, the
well-known burglar, Schlosser; in this, the clever green-goods man,
Shlapinski; and in this, I represented the Countess Flirtinski, in her
divorce suit.”


Change of Disposition

A:—“The young Baron seems a very harmless sort of fellow.”

B:—“Not any more—he bought an automobile yesterday.”


Taking Man’s Place

Professor:—“My wife tells me that Fräulein Melanie is fairly in love with
her automobile! Another instance of man being replaced by a machine!”


Adding Insult to Injury

Dealer (who has just been knocked down by an auto):—“What do you think of
that Baron! First, he borrows my benzine, and then he runs over me with
his automobile!”


It Could Accomplish Much

Automobile Dealer:—“I can recommend this motor of twelve horsepower; with
it you can run over the largest furniture van with ease.”


Ill-Luck

“Why was your marriage put off?”

“Because when we autoed to be wedded, we ran over the magistrate who was
to tie the knot.”


Modern Alternative

“Papa, now let me tell you; either you buy me an auto, or I’ll use you as
the comic character in my new novel.”


The Lesser Danger

Brakeman (to couple walking on the ties):—“Don’t you know that it is not
only forbidden, but very dangerous, to walk on the ties?”

“Yes, but not nearly so dangerous as on the highway with all those red
devils running about.”


Extended Payments

“Automobile all right—well built!—How much?”

“Seven thousand, five hundred marks.”

“Yearly payments?”

“Yes, sir.”

“Good! I’ll take the auto with me! I’ll pay one hundred marks per annum.
My father and grandfather both lived to be over seventy!”


Much in Demand

“Johann, has my husband returned from his auto ride?”

“No, gracious lady, and the third policeman has just been here, asking
for him.”


A Modern Dowry

Father (to his daughter’s fiancée):—“Besides the necessary outfit, we can
give our daughter only an automobile, a piano, and a camera!”


A Polite Gentleman

“How did you come to buy an auto?”

“Well, it happened this way. I wanted to get some delicatessen for
supper, but made a mistake in the shop door and got into an automobile
place, and as I didn’t want to be so impolite and go off without buying
something, I just took an auto.”


An Obedient Patient

She:—“What does this mean? You just consulted the doctor about your
catarrh and here you sit and drink beer all day long!”

He (smiling cunningly):—“Well, you see the doctor forbid my smoking dry.”


A Bad Position

“If the Baron has so many debts, why doesn’t he find a wealthy wife?”

“Ah, but his debts are so many that one wife wouldn’t do any good at
all!”


Laconic

Young Lawyer:—“Was a client here?”

Clerk:—“One, I think, during the dinner hour; your overcoat is missing.”


The Life-Saver

Housemaid (rushing into the artist’s studio):—“For heaven’s sake, Herr
Pempe, hide yourself—or go away for a time at once! A while ago there
were six or eight gentlemen here, who said they were the ‘hanging
committee’ and wanted you! I had hard work to get rid of them, but they
are coming back soon!”


No Danger

“I hope your lawyer is not going to let the District-attorney intimidate
her!”

“Goodness, no! She is his mother-in-law!”


Inexperienced

Husband:—“What did you do with yourself, dear, while I was at the club?”

Wife:—“I was very industrious, I mended all those horrid holes in your
lion and tiger skins.”

Husband:—“Why my dear child, what were you thinking of! Those holes were
my greatest pride; they represented my best shots!”


Cautious

Cashier:—“To make you feel perfectly secure, I’ll present you with my
photograph.”

Banker:—“Haven’t you one without a beard?”


Not so Bad as Painted

Malicious Painter:—“Just think, I received three orders for portraits
to-day!”

Friend:—“There, now you see, people are not as bad as you paint them.”


An Indirect Cure

Doctor:—“Well, you seem to be quite well again! Did you take my pills
every day?”

Countryman:—“Oh, yes, I took them all right. You see, it was this way,
doctor. My black hen got at the box of pills and ate them all up. So I
killed the hen and ate her, and so I got well again.”


A Practical Savings-bank

“If I take my cod-liver oil nicely, mother always gives me five pfennig.”

“And what do you do with so much money?”

“Oh, mother puts it into my bank and buys more cod-liver oil with it.”


Anonym Did It

Boy (to his father in a picture gallery):—“Father, what kind of a painter
is this ‘Anonym’ whose name is mentioned so often in the catalogue?”

Father:—“What a foolish boy you are! Anonym is a foreign word and means
that the painter wishes to be unknown for the present.”

Father (at home, several hours later):—“It is perfectly dreadful the way
you children meddle with everything; there is no end to your mischief!
Now my beautiful meerschaum pipe has been broken. Who did it?”

Boy:—“Anonym, father!”


A Good Example

Mother:—“Remember, Franz, it is very naughty to lean on your elbows as
you are doing just now.”

Franz (pointing at a picture of the Sistine Madonna hanging in the
room):—“Oh, but mother, those two angels there are doing the same thing.”


Pride of Birth

Little Baroness:—“When people die they go to heaven, do they not? and
when a child dies it goes to heaven too——”

Baroness:—“And is called an angel.”

Little Baroness:—“But, mamma, if one of us should die we would be called
‘von angel,’ of course?”


Logic

Child:—“Mamma is it true that people are made of dust?”

Mother:—“Yes, my dear.”

Child:—“Are the negroes made of coal-dust, then?”


The Wrong Way

A teacher took an apple from one of the pupils, and after awhile,
believing himself unnoticed, ate it. The pupil began to cough. “What is
the matter with you,” asks the teacher.

“Why, my apple went down the wrong way, sir.”


A Good Excuse

Mother (to her six year old son):—“Fritz, how did this happen? Your new
trousers have already several holes in them!”

Fritz:—“Oh, but mother, you can’t expect me to be always looking out for
what goes on behind my back!”



*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 74708 ***