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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/7310-h.zip b/7310-h.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..ff35ce9 --- /dev/null +++ b/7310-h.zip diff --git a/7310-h/7310-h.htm b/7310-h/7310-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..292cffe --- /dev/null +++ b/7310-h/7310-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,4299 @@ +<!DOCTYPE HTML PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD HTML 4.01 Transitional//EN"> +<HTML> +<HEAD> +<TITLE>The Project Gutenberg eBook of Mr. Pim Passes By, by Alan Alexander Milne</TITLE> +<META HTTP-EQUIV="content-Type" CONTENT="text/html; charset=us-ascii"> +<style type="text/css"> + <!-- + h1,h2,h3,h4 { text-align: center; font-weight: bold; font-variant: small-caps } + h1 { margin-top: 2em } + h2 { margin-top: 1.5em } + h3 { margin-top: 1.25em } + .smallcaps { font-variant: small-caps } + --> +</style> +</HEAD> +<BODY> + + +<pre> + +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Mr. Pim Passes By, by Alan Alexander Milne + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and most +other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions +whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of +the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at +www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you'll have +to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this ebook. + +Title: Mr. Pim Passes By + +Author: Alan Alexander Milne + +Posting Date: February 11, 2015 [EBook #7310] +Release Date: January, 2005 +First Posted: April 10, 2003 +Last Updated: January 19, 2005 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MR. PIM PASSES BY *** + + + + +Produced by Curtis A. Weyant, Stan Goodman, Charles Franks, +and the Distributed Proofreading Team + + + + + + +</pre> + + + +<h1>Mr. Pim Passes By</h1> + +<h2>A Comedy in Three Acts</h2> + +<p align="center" class="smallcaps">by</p> + +<h3>A. A. Milne</h3> + + + +<h2>Characters</h2> + +<blockquote class="smallcaps">The Original Cast at the Gaiety Theatre, Manchester</blockquote> + +<p>George Marden, J.P. . . . . . . . . . <i>Mr. Ben Webster.</i><br> +Olivia (his Wife) . . . . . . . . . . <i>Miss Irene Vanbrugh.</i><br> +Dinah (his Niece) . . . . . . . . . . <i>Miss Georgette Cohan.</i><br> +Lady Marden (his Aunt) . . . . . . . . <i>Miss Sybil Carlisle.</i><br> +Brian Strange . . . . . . . . . . <i>Mr. Philip Easton.</i><br> +Carraway Pin . . . . . . . . . . <i>Mr. Dion Boucicault.</i><br> +Anne . . . . . . . . . . <i>Miss Ethel Wellesley.</i></p> + +<p>The action takes place in the morning-room at Marden House, +Buckinghamshire, on a day in July.</p> + + +<blockquote class="smallcaps">The Original London Cast at the New Theatre</blockquote> + +<p>George Marden, J.P. . . . . . . . . . <i>Mr. Ben Webster.</i><br> +Olivia (his Wife) . . . . . . . . . . <i>Miss Irene Vanbrugh.</i><br> +Dinah (his Niece) . . . . . . . . . . <i>Miss Georgette Cohan.</i><br> +Lady Marden (his Aunt) . . . . . . . . <i>Miss Ethel Griffes.</i><br> +Brian Strange . . . . . . . . . . <i>Mr. Leslie Howard.</i><br> +Carraway Pin . . . . . . . . . . <i>Mr. Dion Boucicault.</i><br> +Anne . . . . . . . . . . <i>Miss Ethel Wellesley.</i></p> + + + + +<h1>Mr. Pim Passes By</h1> + + + + +<h1>Act I</h1> + + + +<p><i>The morning-room at Marden House (Buckinghamshire) decided more than +a hundred years ago that it was all right, and has not bothered about +itself since. Visitors to the house have called the result such +different adjectives as "mellow," "old-fashioned," "charming"–even +"baronial" and "antique;" but nobody ever said it was "exciting." +Sometimes</i> <span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> <i>wants it to be more exciting, and last week she +rather let herself go over some new curtains; she still has the rings +to put on. It is obvious that the curtains alone will overdo the +excitement; they will have to be harmonized with a new carpet and +cushions.</i> <span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> <i>has her eye on just the things, but one has to +go carefully with</i> <span class="smallcaps">George</span>. <i>What was good enough, for his great-great-grandfather is good enough for him. However, we can trust</i> +<span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> <i>to see him through it, although it may take time.</i></p> + +<p><i>A scene plot is given at the end of the play.</i></p> + +<p><i>There are three ways of coming into the room: by the open windows +leading from the garden, by the doors to R., or by the staircase from +up</i> R, <span class="smallcaps">Mr. Pim</span> <i>chooses the latter way–or rather</i> <span class="smallcaps">Anne</span> <i>chooses +it for him; and</i> <span class="smallcaps">Mr. Pim</span> <i>kindly and inoffensively follows her. She +comes down steps and crosses to</i> C., <i>followed by</i> <span class="smallcaps">Mr. Pim</span>.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Anne</span> (<i>moves up, looking off</i> L. <i>and returning to</i> <span class="smallcaps">Pim</span> +R.C.). I'll tell Mr. Marden you're here, sir. Mr. Pim, isn't it?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span> (<i>nervously</i>). Yes–er–Mr. Pim–Mr. Carraway Pim. He doesn't +know me, you understand, but if he could just spare me a few moments–er—(<i>He fumbles in his pockets</i>.) I gave you that letter?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Anne</span>. Yes, sir, I'll give it to him.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span> (<i>brings out a stamped letter which is not the one he was looking +for, but which reminds him of something else he has forgotten. Looking +at letter</i>). Oh! Dear me!</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Anne</span>. Yes, sir?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span>. Dear me. I ought to have posted this. (<i>Looking at letter</i>.) +Oh, well, I must send a telegram. You have a telegraph office in the +village?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Anne</span>. Oh, yes, sir. (<i>Moving up to terrace up</i> L. <i>and pointing +off</i> L.) If you turn to the left when you get outside the gates, +it's about a hundred yards down the hill. Turn to the left and down the +hill.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span>. Turn to the left and down the hill. Thank you, thank you. Very +stupid of me to have forgotten.</p> + +<p>(<span class="smallcaps">Anne</span> <i>exits up staircase R</i>.)</p> + +<p>(<span class="smallcaps">Mr. Pim</span> <i>wanders about the room humming to himself, and looking at +the pictures and photos on piano. Then goes out at window up</i> L.) +(<span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> <i>enters from staircase up</i> R. <i>dancing, and humming the +air of "Down on the Farm:" she is nineteen, very pretty, very happy, +and full of boyish high spirits and conversation. She dances to foot of +stairs, looks off</i> R., <i>then down</i> C., <i>then to piano; sits +and plays a few bars and sings "Down on the Farm," rises and moves up +to</i> R. <i>of piano, and as she does so</i> <span class="smallcaps">Pim</span> <i>re-enters from +window up</i> L. <i>and they come suddenly face to face up back</i> C. +<i>below the writing-table. There is a slight pause</i>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> (<i>backing a step</i>). Hullo!</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span>. You must forgive me, but... Good morning, Mrs. Marden.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span>. Oh, I say, <i>I</i>'m not Mrs. Marden. I'm Dinah.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span> (<i>with a smile</i>). Then I will say, Good morning. Miss Diana.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> (<i>reproachfully</i>). Now, look here, if you and I are going to +be friends, you mustn't do that. Dinah, <i>not</i> Diana. Do remember +it, there's a good man, because I get so tired of correcting people. +(<i>Moving down</i> C. <i>to</i> B.) Have you come to stay with us? +(<i>Sits on settee</i> R.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span> (<i>following her down</i>). Well, no, Miss–er–Dinah.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> (<i>nodding</i>). That's right. I can see I shan't have to speak +to <i>you</i> again. Now tell me your name, and I bet you I get it +right first time. And do sit down.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span> (<i>crossing to</i> L. <i>and sitting on settee</i> L.). Thank you. +My name is–er–Pim, Carraway Pim–</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span>. Pim, that's easy.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span>. And I have a letter of introduction to your father–</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> (<i>rising and crossing to</i> R. <i>of table</i> L.C. <i>and +speaking across same</i>). Oh, no; now you're going wrong again, Mr. +Pim. George isn't my father; he's my uncle. Uncle George–he doesn't +like me calling him George. Olivia doesn't mind–I mean she doesn't +mind being called Olivia, but George is rather touchy. (<i>Sitting on +table, facing</i> <span class="smallcaps">Pim</span>.) You see, he's been my guardian since I was +about two, and then about five years ago he married a widow called Mrs. +Telworthy.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span> (<i>repeating</i>). Mrs. Telworthy.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span>. That's Olivia–so she became my Aunt Olivia, only she lets me +drop the Aunt. (<i>Speaking very sharply</i>.) Get that?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span> (<i>a little alarmed</i>). I–I think so, Miss Marden.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> (<i>admiringly</i>). I say, you <i>are</i> quick, Mr. Pim. Well, +if you take my advice, when you've finished your business with George, +you will hang about a bit and see if you can't see Olivia. (<i>Rising +and moving</i> C.) She's simply–(<i>feeling for the word</i>)–devastating. I don't wonder George fell in love with her.</p> + +<p>(<i>Moving to above piano</i> R., <i>looking at photos, etc.</i>)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span> (<i>rising and looking at his watch and coming</i> C.). It's only +the merest matter of business–just a few words with your uncle–Perhaps I'd better...</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> (<i>looking at photo on top end of piano</i>). Well, you must +please yourself, Mr. Pim. I'm just giving you a friendly word of +advice. Naturally, I was awfully glad to get such a magnificent aunt. +(<i>Moving down to</i> L. <i>of piano and taking up and looking at +photo of</i> <span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>.) Because, after all, marriage <i>is</i> rather a +toss up, isn't it?–</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span> (<i>taken aback</i>). Well, I don't, know, I haven't had any +experience...</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> (<i>continuing</i>). And George might have gone off with anybody. +(<i>Moving to</i> <span class="smallcaps">Pim</span>.) It's different on the stage, where guardians +always marry their wards, but George couldn't marry <i>me</i> because +I'm his niece. Mind you, I don't say that I should have had him, +because, between ourselves, he's a little bit old-fashioned.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span>. So he married–er–Mrs. Marden instead.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span>. Mrs. Telworthy–don't say you've forgotten already, just when +you were getting so good at names. Mrs. Telworthy. (<i>Moves to and +sits on settee</i> R.) You see, Olivia married the Telworthy man and +went to Australia with him, and he drank himself to death in the bush, +or wherever you drink yourself to death out there, and Olivia came home +to England, and met my uncle, and he fell in love with her and proposed +to her–(<i>rises and kneels on settee</i>)–and he came into my room +that night–I was about fourteen–and turned on the light and said, +"Dinah, how would you like to have a beautiful aunt of your very own?" +(<span class="smallcaps">Pim</span> <i>laughs</i>.) And I said: "Congratulations, George." (<span class="smallcaps">Pim</span> +<i>laughs again</i>.) That was the first time I called him George. Of +course, I'd seen it coming for weeks. Telworthy, isn't it a funny name?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span>. Oh, a most curious name–Telworthy. From Australia, you say?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span>. Yes, I always say that he's probably still alive, and will turn +up here one morning and annoy George.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span> (<i>shocked</i>). Oh!</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span>. But I'm afraid there's not much chance.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span> (<i>shocked</i>). Miss Marden! Really!</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span>, Well, of course, I don't really <i>want</i> it to happen, but it +<i>would</i> be rather exciting. (<i>Crossing to</i> <span class="smallcaps">Pim</span>.) Wouldn't it, +Mr Pim?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span>. Exciting!</p> + +<p>(<span class="smallcaps">Pim</span> <i>crosses to below settee</i> L.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span>. However, things like that never seem to occur down here, +somehow, (<i>Running up into window up</i> R. <span class="smallcaps">Pim</span> <i>watches her</i>.) +There was a hayrick burnt last year about a mile away, but that isn't +the same, is it?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span>. No, I should say that that was certainly different.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> (<i>coming to back of table</i> L.C.). Of course, something very, +very wonderful did happen last night. (<i>Backing away</i>.) No, no! +I'm not sure if I know you well enough–(<i>She looks at him +hesitatingly</i>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span> (<i>uncomfortably</i>). Really, Miss Marden, you mustn't. I am only +a–a passer-by, here to-day and gone to-morrow. You really mustn't–</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> (<i>looking round and earning down to</i> <span class="smallcaps">Pim</span>), And yet there's +something about you, Mr. Pim, which inspires confidence.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span> (<i>moving to</i> L.). Oh, no. Really, you mustn't tell me.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> (<i>taking his arm</i>). The fact is–(<i>in a stage +whisper</i>)–I got engaged last night!</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span>. Dear me, let me congratulate you. I wish somebody would come here.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> (<i>running up to foot of staircase up</i> R. <i>and looking +off</i>), I expect that's why George is keeping you such a long time. +(<i>Turning to</i> <span class="smallcaps">Pim</span>.) Brian, my young man, the well-known painter–only nobody has ever heard of him–he's smoking a pipe with George in +the library and asking for his niece's hand. (<i>Coming back to</i> +<span class="smallcaps">Pim</span>, <i>and taking his hands, she dances round with him in a +circle</i>.)</p> + +<p>(<span class="smallcaps">Pim</span> <i>falls exhausted and coughing on to settee</i> L. <i>and</i> +<span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> <i>laughing sits on settee</i> R.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span>. Isn't it exciting? You're really rather lucky, Mr. Pim–I mean +being told so soon. Even Olivia doesn't know yet.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span>. Yes, yes, I congratulate you, Miss Marden. Perhaps it would be +better–(<i>About to get up</i>.)</p> + +<p>(<span class="smallcaps">Anne</span> <i>comes in from staircase up</i> R. <i>She comes to</i> C.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Anne</span>. Mr. Marden is out at the moment, sir–</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> (<i>disappointed</i>). Oh!</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Anne</span> (<i>seeing</i> <span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span>). Oh, I didn't see you, Miss Dinah!</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span>. Out! Eh? Dear! Dear!</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span>, It's all right, Anne. (<i>Rising</i>.) <i>I'm</i> looking after +Mr. Pim.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Anne</span>. Very well, Miss.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span> (<i>sotto voce</i>). Out! Oh, well, I'd better go–</p> + +<p>(<i>Exit</i> <span class="smallcaps">Anne</span> <i>up staircase</i> B.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> (<i>excitedly</i>). That's me. (<i>Running up to foot of staircase +and watching</i> <span class="smallcaps">Anne</span> <i>off</i>.) They can't discuss me in the library +without breaking down–(<i>coming down</i> R. <i>and imitating</i> +<span class="smallcaps">George</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smallcaps">Brian</span>)–so they're walking up and down outside, and +slashing at the thistles in order to conceal their emotion. You know. I +expect Brian–(<i>Crossing up to</i> R. <i>of window</i>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span> (<i>rising, calling</i>). Miss Marden! Miss Marden! (<i>Looking at +his watch</i>.) Yes, I think, Miss Marden, I had better go now and +return a little later. I have a telegram which I want to send, and +perhaps by the time I come back your uncle will be able–</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> (<i>coming to</i> <span class="smallcaps">Pim</span>). Oh, but how disappointing of you, when we +were getting on together so nicely! And it was just going to be your +turn to tell me all about yourself.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span>. I have really nothing to tell, Miss Marden. I have a letter of +introduction to your uncle, who in turn will give me, I hope, a letter +to a certain distinguished man whom it is necessary for me to meet. +That is all. (<i>Holding out his hand</i>.) And now, Miss Marden, I +really think I'd better be going.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> (<i>taking his arm and hading him up stage</i> C. <i>to</i> L.). +Oh, I'll start you on your way to the post office.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span>. Will you? Now, that's really very kind of you.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span>. No, it isn't.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span>. Oh, but it is! You're a very kind little girl.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span>. I want to know if you're married–</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span>. Oh, no, I'm not married.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span>.–and all that sort of thing. You've got heaps to tell me, Mr. +Pim. Have you got your hat? (<span class="smallcaps">Pim</span> <i>shows his hat</i>.) Oh yes! That's +right.</p> + +<p>(<span class="smallcaps">Brian Strange</span> <i>comes in from window up</i> R. <i>He is what</i> +<span class="smallcaps">George</span> <i>calls a damned futuristic painter chap, aged 24. To look at +he is a very pleasant boy, rather untidily dressed. He is about to +tell</i> <span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> <i>the result of his interview with</i> <span class="smallcaps">George</span> <i>when +he catches sight of</i> <span class="smallcaps">Pim</span>.)</p> + +<p>Then we'll–hullo, here's Brian! (<i>Crossing below and to his</i> R. +<i>seizing him</i>.) Brian, this is Mr. Pim! Mr. Carraway Pim. He's +been telling me all about himself.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span>. I haven't said a word. I never opened my mouth.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span>. It's so interesting. He's just going to send a telegram, and +then he's coming back again. Mr. Pim–(<i>coyly and moving down to head +of settee</i> R.)–this is Brian–<i>you</i> know,</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span> (<i>nodding</i>). How-do-you-do?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span>. How-do-you-do, sir?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> (<i>pleadingly and crossing below</i> <span class="smallcaps">Brian</span> <i>to</i> <span class="smallcaps">Pim</span>), +You won't mind going to the post office by yourself now, will you? +(<i>Coyly moving up to chair by writing-table and nervously kicking her +ankle, etc</i>.) Because, you see, Brian and I–(<i>She looks lovingly +at</i> <span class="smallcaps">Brian</span>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span> (<i>moved to sentiment</i>). Miss Dinah and Mr.–er–Brian, I have +only come into your lives for a moment, and it is probable that I shall +now pass out of them for ever, but perhaps you will permit an old man–</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span>. Oh, not so old!</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span> (<i>chuckling happily</i>). Not old? Well, shall we say a middle-aged man–(<span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> <i>nods assent</i>. <span class="smallcaps">Pim</span> <i>laughs again</i>)–a +middle-aged man to wish you both every happiness in the years that you +have before you. (<i>Crossing in front of</i> <span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span>, <i>shakes hands +with</i> <span class="smallcaps">Brian</span>.) Good-bye–(<i>shaking hands with</i> <span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span>)–good-bye, +and thank you so much. Oh, I know my way. (<i>Moving up</i> L. <i>and +turning to</i> <span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span>.) Turn to the left and down the hill? Turn to the +left and down the hill.</p> + +<p>(<i>Exit</i> <span class="smallcaps">Pim</span> <i>up</i> L. <span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> <i>watches him off up</i> L. <i>on +terrace and</i> <span class="smallcaps">Brian</span> <i>up</i> R.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> (<i>coming into the room below writing-table to</i> R.C.). Brian, +he'll get lost if he goes that way.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span> (<i>crossing at back of windows and calling after him up</i> L.). +Round to the left, sir. Yes, that's right. (<i>He comes back into the +room, crossing down</i> L.C.) Rum old bird. Who is he?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span>. Darling, you haven't kissed me yet.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span> (<i>moving up to her and pulling her down to below settee</i> +L.), Oh, I say. I oughtn't to, but then one never ought to do the nice +things.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span>. Why oughtn't you?</p> + +<p>(<i>They sit on the sofa together–</i><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span> <i>to</i> R., <span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> +<i>to</i> L.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span>. Well, we said we'd be good until we'd told your uncle and aunt +all about it. You see, being a guest in their house–</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span>. But, darling child, what <i>have</i> you been doing all this +morning <i>except</i> telling George?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span>. Oh, <i>trying</i> to tell George.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> (<i>nodding</i>). Yes, of course, there's a difference.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span>. I think he <i>guessed</i> there was something up, and he took me +down to see the pigs–he said he had to see the pigs at once–I don't +know why; an appointment perhaps. And we talked about pigs all the way, +and I couldn't say, "Talking about pigs, I want to marry your niece–"</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> (<i>with mock indignation</i>). Oh, of course you couldn't.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span>. No. Well, you see how it was. And then when we'd finished +talking <i>about</i> pigs, we started talking <i>to</i> the pigs–</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> (<i>eagerly</i>). Oh, <i>how</i> is Arnold?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span>. Arnold...? Oh yes, that's the little black-and-white one? He's +very jolly, I believe, but naturally I wasn't thinking about him much. +I was wondering how to begin. And then Lumsden came up, and wanted to +talk pig-food, and the atmosphere grew less and less romantic, and–and +I gradually drifted away.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span>. Oh, poor darling! Well, we shall have to approach him through +Olivia.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span>. But I always wanted to tell her first; she's so much easier. +Only <i>you</i> wouldn't let me.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span>. That's <i>your</i> fault, Brian. You would tell Olivia that she +ought to have orange-and-black curtains in here.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span>. But she wants orange and black curtains in here.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span>. Yes. (<i>Rising and standing with her back to fire, +imitating</i> <span class="smallcaps">George</span>.) But George says he's not going to have any +Futuristic nonsense in an honest English country house, which has been +good enough for his father and his grandfather and his great-grandfather, and–and all the rest of them. (<i>Kneels on settee</i>.) +So there's a sort of strained feeling between Olivia and George just +now, and if Olivia were to–sort of recommend you, well, it wouldn't do +you much good.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span> (<i>looking at her</i>). I see. Of course I know what <i>you</i> +want, Dinah.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span>. What do I want?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span>. You want a secret engagement–</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span>. Oh!</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span>. And notes left under door-mats–</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span>. Oh!</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span>. And meetings by the withered thorn–</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span>. Oh!</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span>. When all the household is asleep.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span>. Oh!</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span>. I know you.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span>. Oh, but it is such fun! I love meeting people by withered +thorns.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span>. Well, I'm not going to have it.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> (<i>childishly, sitting close to him</i>). Oh, George! Look at us +being husbandy!</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span>. You babe! I adore you. (<i>He kisses her and holds her +hands</i>.) You know, you're rather throwing yourself away on me. Do +you mind?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> (<i>putting her legs up on settee and reclining her head on his +shoulder</i>). Not a bit.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span>. We shall never be rich, but we shall have lots of fun, and meet +interesting people, and feel that we're doing something worth doing, +and not getting paid nearly enough for it, and we can curse the Academy +together and the British Public, and–oh, it's an exciting life.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> (<i>seeing it</i>). I shall love it.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span> (<i>sincerely</i>). I'll make you love it. You shan't be sorry, +Dinah.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span>. You shan't be sorry either, Brian.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span> (<i>looking at her lovingly</i>). Oh, I know I shan't.... What +will Olivia think about it? Will she be surprised?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span>. Olivia? Oh, she's never surprised. She always seems to have +thought of things about half an hour before they happen. George just +begins to get hold of them about half an hour after they've happened. +(<i>Considering him, stroking his hair</i>.) After all, there's no +reason why George shouldn't like you, darling.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span>. I'm not his sort, you know, really.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span>. You're more Olivia's sort. Well, we'll tell Olivia this morning.</p> + +<p>(<span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> <i>comes in from top of staircase up R</i>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> (<i>coming in</i>). And what are you going to tell Olivia this +morning? (<i>They jump up and go to her</i>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span>. Olivia, darling–</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>, Oh, well, I think I can guess,</p> + +<p>(<span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> <i>goes to her</i> R, <i>and</i> <span class="smallcaps">Brian</span> <i>to her</i> L., <i>and they bring her down</i> +C.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span> (<i>following</i>). Say you understand, Mrs. Marden.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Mrs. Marden, I am afraid, is a very dense person, Brian, but I +think if you asked Olivia if she understood–</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span>. Bless you, Olivia. I <i>knew</i> you'd be on our side.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span>. Of course she would.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. I don't know if it's usual to kiss an aunt-in-law, Brian, but +Dinah is such a very special sort of niece that–(<i>she inclines her +cheek and</i> <span class="smallcaps">Brian</span> <i>kisses it</i>).</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> (<i>backing away to</i> B. <i>a little</i>). I say, you are in +luck to-day, Brian.</p> + +<p>(<span class="smallcaps">Brian</span> <i>moves up</i> C. <i>laughing</i>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> (<i>crossing below settee</i> L. <i>and up</i> L. <i>to +cabinet</i>). And how many people have been told the good news? + +<span class="smallcaps">Brian</span>. Nobody yet.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span>. Except Mr. Pim.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span> (<i>crossing down to</i> <span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span>). Oh, does he–</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> (<i>timing as she reaches cabinet, up</i> L.), Who's Mr. Pim?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span>. Oh, he just happened–(<span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> <i>takes curtains and work-basket +from centre cupboard of cabinet</i>.)–I say, are those the curtains? +Then you're going to have them after all?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> (<i>with an air of surprise, coming down L., and putting work-basket on table L.C. and sitting with curtains</i>). After all what? +But I decided on them long ago. (<i>To</i> <span class="smallcaps">Brian</span>.) You haven't told +George yet.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span> (<i>moving to below stool</i> L.C.). I began to, you know, but I +never got any farther than "Er–there's just–er–"</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> (<i>crossing quickly below</i> <span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> <i>and speaking into her +face</i>). George would talk about <i>pigs</i> all the time.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Well, I suppose you want me to help you.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> (<i>sitting to</i> L. <i>of</i> <span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>). Oh, do, darling.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span> (<i>sits on stool</i> L.C.). It would be awfully decent of you. +Of course, I'm not quite his sort really–</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span>. You're my sort.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span>. But I don't think he objects to me, and–</p> + +<p>(<span class="smallcaps">George</span> <i>comes in from terrace, a typical, narrow-minded, honest +country gentleman of forty odd.</i> <span class="smallcaps">Brian</span> <i>rises hurriedly and +crosses to above piano to</i> R. <span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> <i>rises and stands by +fireplace.</i> <span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> <i>unfolds curtains and prepares to sew</i>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>at the windows–he does not see</i> <span class="smallcaps">Brian</span>). Hullo! Hullo! +Hullo! What's all this about a Mr. Pim? Who is he? Where is he? (<i>He +puts his cap on table, and comes down, into room</i>.) I had most +important business with Lumsden, and the girl comes down and cackles +about a Mr. Pim, or Ping, or something. Where did I put his card? +(<i>Bringing it out</i>.) Carraway Pim. Never heard of him in my life, +(<i>Moves back to writing-table and puts down card</i>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span>. He said he had a letter of introduction, Uncle George.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. Oh, you saw him, did you! (<i>Comes down</i> C. <i>to</i> R.) +Yes, that reminds me, there was a letter–(<i>he brings it out and +reads it</i>).</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span>. He had to send a telegram. He's coming back.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Pass me those scissors, Brian.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span> (<i>crossing to above table</i> L.C.). These? (<i>he passes +them</i>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> (<i>giving</i> <span class="smallcaps">Brian</span> <i>a nod of encouragement and looking round +at</i> <span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span>). Thank you.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>reading</i>). Ah well, a friend of Brymer's, Glad to oblige +him. Yes, I know the man he wants. Coming back, you say, Dinah? (<span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> +<i>nods</i>.) Then I'll be going back too. Send him down to the farm, +Olivia, when he comes. (<i>Going up meets</i> <span class="smallcaps">Brian</span>.) Hallo, what +happened to you? (<i>Still moving up a little</i>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Don't go, George, there's something we want to talk about. +(<span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> <i>gives a long whistle. All look sheepish and</i> <span class="smallcaps">George</span> +<i>notices their attitude</i>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. Hallo, what's this?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span> (<i>quickly and over back of i.e. table to</i> <span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>). Shall I—! +(<span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> <i>pantomimes. "Yes, do."</i>)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> (<i>with a roguish loot at</i> <span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span>). Yes, (<i>Sticks needle in +work</i>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span> (<i>stepping out to</i> C.) I've been wanting to tell you all +this morning, sir, only I didn't seem to have an opportunity of getting +it out.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. Well, what is it?</p> + +<p>(<span class="smallcaps">Brian</span>, <i>taken aback for a moment, looks to</i> <span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> <i>for +encouragement. She nods approval and turning to</i> <span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span>, <i>takes her +hand encouragingly–</i>)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span> (<i>boldly</i>). I want to marry Dinah, sir.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. You want to marry Dinah? God bless my soul!</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> (<i>rushing to him below and to his</i> R. <i>and pulling her +cheek against his coat, and her hands on his shoulder</i>). Oh, do say +you like the idea, Uncle George.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. Like the idea! (<i>Taking her hands from his shoulder</i>.) +Have you heard of this nonsense, Olivia?</p> + +<p>(<i>Movement of annoyance from</i> <span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. They've just this moment told me, George. I think they would be +happy together.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>crossing to fire-place</i> L., <i>to</i> <span class="smallcaps">Brian</span>). And what do +you propose to be happy together on?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span> (R.C.). Well, of course, I know it doesn't amount to much at +present, but we shan't starve.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span>. Brian got fifty pounds for a picture last March!</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>a little upset by this</i>). Oh! (<i>Recovering gamely</i>.) +And how many pictures have you sold since?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span> (<i>gives a nervous look at</i> <span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span>, <i>who +then sits on settee</i> R.). Well, none, but–</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. None! And I don't wonder. Who the devil is going to buy +pictures with triangular clouds and square sheep? (<span class="smallcaps">Brian</span>, <i>annoyed, +moves up</i> R.C.) And they call that Art nowadays! Good God, man +(<i>moving up to the windows</i>), go outside and look at the clouds!</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> (<i>busy stitching rings on curtains</i>). If he draws round +clouds in future, George, will you let him marry Dinah?</p> + +<p>(<span class="smallcaps">George</span> <i>looks round, annoyed.</i> <span class="smallcaps">Brian</span> <i>is hopeful and comes down +towards</i> <span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>upset by this, coming down to head of</i> L.C. +<i>table</i>). What–what? Yes, of course, you would be on his side–all this Futuristic nonsense. (<span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> <i>commences to sew</i>.) I'm +just taking these clouds as an example. (<i>Crossing to</i> <span class="smallcaps">Brian</span>.) I +suppose I can see as well as any man in the county, and I say that +clouds aren't triangular.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span> (<i>ingratiatingly</i>). After all, sir, at my age one is +naturally experimenting, and trying to find one's (<i>with a +laugh)</i>–well, it sounds priggish, but one's medium of expression. I +shall find out what I want to do directly, but I think I shall always +be able to earn enough to live on. Well, I have for the last three +years.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. I see, and now you want to experiment with a wife–</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span>. Yes–no–no–</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span>. Yes, you do,</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span>. Yes.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. And you propose to experimenting with my niece?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span> (<i>with a shrug</i>). Well, of course, if you–</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. You could help the experiment, darling, by giving Dinah a good +allowance until she's twenty-one.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. Help the experiment! I don't <i>want</i> to help the +experiment. (<i>Crossing up to writing-table</i>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> (<i>apologetically</i>). Oh, I thought you did.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. You will talk as if I was made of money. What with taxes always +going up and rents always going down, it's as much as we can do to rub +along as we are (<i>to back of</i> L.C. <i>table</i>), without making +allowances to everybody who thinks she wants to get married. (<i>To</i> +<span class="smallcaps">Brian</span>.) And that's thanks to you, my friend.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span> (<i>surprised</i>). To me?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. You never told me, darling. What's Brian been doing?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> (<i>indignantly</i>). He hasn't been doing anything.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>round to foot of table</i> L.C.). He's one of your +Socialists who go turning the country upside down.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. But even Socialists must get married sometimes.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>crossing below</i> <span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> <i>to fireplace</i>). I don't see +any necessity.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. But you'd have nobody to damn after dinner, darling, if they +all died out.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span> (<i>coming a little</i> C.). Really, sir, I don't see what my +politics and my art have got to do with it. I'm perfectly ready not to +talk about either when I'm in your house, and as Dinah doesn't seem to +object to them——</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> (<i>moving towards</i> <span class="smallcaps">Brian</span> <i>and championing him</i>). I +should think she doesn't.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. Oh, you can get round the women, I daresay.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span>. Well, it's Dinah I want to marry and live with. So what it +really comes to is that you don't think I can support a wife.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. Well, if you're going to do it by selling pictures, I don't +think you can.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span> (<i>moving to</i> R. <i>of table</i> L.C.). All right, tell me +how much you want me to earn in a year, and I'll earn it.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>hedging</i>). It isn't merely a question of money. I just +mention that as one thing–one of the important things. (<span class="smallcaps">George</span> +<i>crosses to</i> <span class="smallcaps">Brian</span> <i>who backs towards</i> <span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span>.) In addition to +that, I think you are both too young to marry. (<span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> <i>stamps her +foot</i>.) I don't think you know your own minds (<span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> <i>kneels +dejectedly on settee</i> R.), and I am not at all persuaded that, with +what I venture to call your outrageous tastes——</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span>. Oh!</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> You and my niece will live happily together. (<i>Pause. Crossing +up to writing-table, sits</i>.) Just because she thinks she loves you, +Dinah may persuade herself now that she agrees with all you say and do, +but she has been properly brought up in an honest English country +household–(<span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> <i>throws up her arms and buries her face in her +hands on piano</i>) and–er–she–well, in short, I cannot at all +approve of any engagement between you. (<i>Getting up</i>.) Olivia, if +this Mr.–er–Pim comes, I shall be down at the farm You might send him +along to me.</p> + +<p>(<i>He walks towards the windows up</i> L.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span> (<i>moving up</i> R., <i>followed by</i> <span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span>; +<i>indignantly</i>). Is there any reason why I shouldn't marry a girl +who has been properly brought up?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. I think you know my views, Strange.</p> + +<p>(<span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span>, <i>disappointed, crosses down</i> R. <i>again to below +table</i> R.C.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. George, wait a moment, dear. We can't quite leave it like this.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. I have said all I want to say on the subject.</p> + +<p>(<span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> <i>sits on settee</i> R.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Yes, darling, but I haven't begun to say all that <i>I</i> want +to say on the subject.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>crossing down to back of table</i> L.C.). Of course, if you +have anything to say, Olivia, I will listen to it; but I don't know +that this is quite the time–(<span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> <i>makes a marked movement as she +is sewing the curtains</i>), or that you have chosen–(<i>looking +darkly at the curtains</i>)–quite the occupation likely to–er–endear +your views to me.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> (<i>mutinously, rising quickly and crossing to stool on which she +kneels and looks up into</i> <span class="smallcaps">George's</span> <i>face and bangs the table</i>). +I may as well tell you, Uncle George, that I have got a good deal to +say, too.</p> + +<p>(<span class="smallcaps">Brian</span> <i>crosses down to her</i> R., <i>gingerly pulling her sleeve, +trying to restrain her</i>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Yes, darling. I can guess what you are going to say, Dinah, and +I think you had better keep it for the moment.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> (<i>meekly, backing to</i> R. <i>below</i> <span class="smallcaps">Brian</span> <i>and to</i> L. +<i>of table</i> R.C.). Yes, Aunt Olivia.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Brian, you might take her outside for a walk. I expect you have +plenty to talk about.</p> + +<p>(<span class="smallcaps">Brian</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> <i>move up</i> R.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>following them up</i>). Now mind, Strange, no love-making. I +put you on your honour about that.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span> (<i>looking round dubiously at</i> <span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span>). I'll do my best to +avoid it, sir.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> (<i>cheekily</i>). May I take his arm if we go up a hill?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. I'm sure you'll know how to behave–both of you.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span> (R. <i>of writing-table</i>). Come on, then, Dinah.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> (<i>following him</i>). Right-o. (<i>They exeunt through windows +and off to</i> L.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>as they go</i>). And if you do see any clouds, Strange, take +a good look at them. (<i>He chuckles to himself</i>.) Triangular +clouds–I never heard of such nonsense. (<i>He goes back to his chair +at the writing-table and sits</i>.) Futuristic rubbish... Well, Olivia?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> (<i>sewing curtains</i>). Well, George?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. What are you doing?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Making curtains–(<i>grunt of disapproval from</i> <span class="smallcaps">George</span>)–George. Won't they be rather sweet? Oh, but I forgot–you don't like +them.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. No. I don't like them, and what is more, I don't mean to have +them in my house. As I told you yesterday, this is the house of a +simple country gentleman, and I don't want any of these new-fangled +ideas in it.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Is marrying for love a new-fangled idea?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. We'll come to that directly. None of you women can keep to the +point. What I am saying now is that the house of my fathers and +forefathers is good enough for me.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Do you know, George, I can hear one of your ancestors saying +that to his wife in their smelly old cave–(<span class="smallcaps">George</span> <i>looks up annoyed +at her levity</i>)–when the new-fangled idea of building houses was +first suggested. "The Cave of my Forefathers is good enough for——"</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>rising and coming to</i> R. <i>of</i> L.C. <i>table</i>). +That's ridiculous. Naturally we must have progress. But that's just the +point. (<i>Indicating the curtains</i>.) I don't call this sort of +thing progress. It's–ah–retrogression.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Well, anyhow, it's pretty.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. There I disagree with you. And I must say once more that I will +not have them hanging in my house. (<i>Going up</i> R.C.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Very well, George. (<i>But she goes on working</i>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>seeing her continuing to sew, stops</i>). That being so, I +don't see the necessity of going on with them.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Well, I must do something with them now I've got the material.</p> + +<p>(<span class="smallcaps">George</span> <i>goes up to writing-table, sits and writes</i>.)</p> + +<p>I thought perhaps I could sell them when they're finished–as we're so +poor.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>turns to her with surprised look</i>). What do you mean–so +poor?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Well, you said just now that you couldn't give Dinah an +allowance because rents had gone down.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>annoyed</i>). Confound it, Olivia! Keep to the point! We'll +talk about Dinah's affairs directly. We're discussing our own affairs +at the moment.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. But what is there to discuss, dear?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. Well, those ridiculous things.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. But we've finished that. You've said you wouldn't have them +hanging in your house, and I've said, "Very well, George."–(<span class="smallcaps">George</span> +<i>is again annoyed</i>.)–Now we can go on to Dinah, and Brian.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>shouting</i>). But put these beastly things away.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> (<i>rising and gathering up the curtains</i>). Very well, +George.</p> + +<p>(<i>Going up</i> L. <i>she places the curtains on the cabinet</i>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>waits impatiently until she has put them away on top of +cabinet</i>). Ah! That's better.</p> + +<p>(<span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> <i>comes to table</i> L.C., <i>closes her workbox and then +crosses down to settee</i> R.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>rising and crossing down to</i> <span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> <i>and placing arms +lovingly on her shoulder</i>). Now look here, Olivia, old girl, you've +been a jolly good wife to me–(<i>takes his arms from her +shoulder</i>)–and we don't often have rows, and if I've been rude to +you about this–lost my temper a bit perhaps, what?–I'll say I'm +sorry. May I have a kiss?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> (<i>holding up her face</i>). George, darling! (<i>He kisses +her</i>.) Do you love me?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. You know I do, old girl.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. As much as Brian loves Dinah?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>stiffly, taking her hands from his shoulders</i>). I've said +all I want to say about that. (<i>He goes away from her to</i> L.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Oh, but there must be lots you want to say and perhaps don't +like to. (<i>Sits on settee</i> R.) Do tell me, darling.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>coming back to</i> C.). What it comes to is this. I consider +that Dinah is too young to choose a husband for herself, and that +Strange isn't the husband I should choose for her.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. You were calling him Brian yesterday.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. Yesterday I regarded him as a boy, now he wants me to look upon +him as a man.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. He's twenty-four.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. Yes, and Dinah's nineteen. Ridiculous. (<i>Crossing up to +smoking-table up</i> R., <i>and filling his pipe which he finds on +table</i>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. If he'd been a Conservative, and thought that clouds were +round, I suppose he'd have seemed older, somehow.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. That's a different point altogether. That has nothing to do +with his age.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> (<i>innocently</i>). Oh, I thought it had.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>crossing down</i> C. <i>stuffing tobacco into his pipe</i>). +What I am objecting to is these ridiculously early marriages before +either party knows its own mind, much less the mind of the other party. +(<i>Moving to fireplace looking for a match</i>.) Such marriages +invariably lead to unhappiness.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Of course, <i>my</i> first marriage wasn't a happy one.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. As you know, Olivia, I dislike speaking about your first +marriage at all–(<i>takes a match from table down</i> L. <span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> <i> +rises slowly and goes up to</i> R. <i>of writing-table</i>)–and I had +no intention of bringing it up now, but since you mention it–well, +there's a case in point. (<i>Sits on settee</i> L., <i>lighting his +pipe</i>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> (<i>looking back at it</i>). When I was eighteen, I was in love.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>turning to her</i>). What?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Or perhaps I only thought I was, and I don't know if I should +have been happy or not if I had married him. But my father made me +marry Mr. Jacob Telworthy. (<span class="smallcaps">George</span> <i>looks up at her, annoyed</i>.) +And when things were too hot for him in England–"too hot for him"–I +think that was the expression we used in those days–then we went to +Australia, and I left him there. (<i>Goes slowly down to back of +settee</i> L.) And the only happy moment I had in all my married life +was on the morning when I saw in the papers that he was dead. (<i>Leans +with her arms over back of settee</i>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>very uncomfortable yet lovingly taking her hands with his +left hand</i>). Yes, yes, my dear, I know, I know. You must have had a +terrible time. I can hardly bear to think about it. My only hope is +that I have made up to you for it in some degree. (<i>She places her +left cheek lovingly on his head</i>.) (<i>Dropping her hands</i>.) But +I don't see what bearing it has upon Dinah's case.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Oh, none, except that <i>my</i> father <i>liked</i> Jacob's +political opinions and his views on art. (<i>Moving slowly round</i> +L.C. <i>table to below stool at foot</i>.) I expect that that was why +he chose him for me.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. You seem to think that I wish to choose a husband for Dinah. I +don't at all. Let her choose whom she likes as long as he can support +her and there's a chance of their being happy together. Now, with +regard to this fellow–</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. You mean Brian?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. Well, he's got no money, and he's been brought up in quite a +different way from Dinah. Dinah may be prepared to believe that–er–all cows are blue, and that–er–waves are square, but she won't go on +believing it for ever.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Neither will Brian.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>moving to</i> R. <i>end of settee</i>). Well, that's what I +keep telling him, only he won't see it. Just as I keep telling you +about those ridiculous curtains. (<i>Points to cupboard with pipe in +right hand over his left shoulder</i>.) It seems to me that I am the +only person in the house with any eyesight left.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Perhaps you are, darling; but you must let us find out our own +mistakes for ourselves. (<i>Sits on stool</i> L.C.) At any rate, Brian +is a gentleman; he loves Dinah, Dinah loves him; he's earning enough to +support himself, and you are earning enough to support Dinah.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>amazed</i>). What?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. I think it's worth risking, George.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>stiffly</i>). I can only say the whole question demands much +more anxious thought than you seem to have given it. You say that he is +a gentleman. He knows how to behave, I admit; but if his morals are as +topsy-turvy as his tastes and–er–politics, as I've no doubt they are +(<i>rising and moving to</i> L.), then-er–In short, I do <i>not</i> +approve of Brian Strange as a husband for my niece and ward. (<i>Knocks +pipe out down</i> L.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> (<i>looking at him thoughtfully</i>). You <i>are</i> a curious +mixture, George. You were so very unconventional when you married me, +and you're so very conventional when Brian wants to marry Dinah.... +George Marden to marry the widow of a convict!</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>advancing</i>). Convict! What do you mean?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Jacob Telworthy, convict–I forget his number–surely I told +you all this, dear, when we got engaged?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. Never!</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Oh, but I told you how he carelessly put the wrong signature to +a cheque for a thousand pounds in England; how he made a little mistake +about two or three companies he'd promoted in Australia; and how–</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. Yes, yes (<i>crossing slowly to</i> C. <i>below</i> <span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>), +but you never told me he'd been–er–well–<i>convicted</i>!</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. What difference does it make?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. My dear Olivia, if you can't see that–a–a–oh, well!</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Oh! A convict! So, you see, we needn't be too particular about +our niece, need we?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. I think we had better leave your first husband out of the +conversation altogether. I never wished to refer to him; I never wish +to hear about him again. I certainly had not realized that he was +actually–er–well–convicted for his–er–(<i>moving to writing-table +and picking up his cap</i>).</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Mistakes.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. Well, we needn't go into that. As for this other matter, I +don't for a moment take it seriously. Dinah is an exceptionally pretty +girl, and young. Strange is a good-looking boy. (<i>Coming down to back +of settee</i> L.) If they are attracted to each other, it is a mere +outward attraction which I am convinced will not lead to any lasting +happiness. (<span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> <i>is about to protest</i>.) That must be regarded +as my last word in the matter, Olivia. If this Mr.–er–what was his +name, comes, I shall be down at the farm. (<span class="smallcaps">George</span> <i>goes out by the +staircase up</i> R.)</p> + +<p>(<i>Left alone,</i> <span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> <i>rises, goes up</i> C., <i>takes up her +curtains again and crossing down</i> L. <i>sits on settee, and gets +calmly to work upon them</i>.)</p> + +<p>(<span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> <i>comes in by the windows from up</i> R. <i>and crosses to</i> +L. <i>window at back, then seeing</i> <span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>, <i>beckons to</i> <span class="smallcaps">Brian</span> +<i>and runs down to back of settee to</i> R. <i>of</i> <span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. <span class="smallcaps">Brian</span> +<i>enters from up</i> R., <i>and follows down to back of table</i> +L.C.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> (<i>over back of settee</i>). Finished?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> (<i>startled</i>). Oh, no, I've got all these rings to put on.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span>. I meant talking to George.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Oh!</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span>. We walked about outside——</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span>. Until we heard him <i>not</i> talking to you any more——</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span>. And we didn't kiss each other once.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah and Brian</span> (<i>pointing roguishly and with satisfaction at</i> +<span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>). Ah!</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span>. Brian was very George-like. He wouldn't even let me tickle the +back of his neck. (<i>She goes suddenly to</i> <span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> <i>and sits on +her</i> L.) Darling (<i>putting her arms round</i> <span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> <i>and +kissing her</i>), being George-like is a very nice thing to be–I mean +a nice thing for other people to be–I mean–oh, you know what I mean. +But say that he's going to be decent about it.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Of course he is, Dinah.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span> (<i>sits on stool</i> L.C., <i>and leans forward eagerly</i>). +You mean he'll let me come here as–as——</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span>. As my young man?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Oh, I think so.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> (<i>kissing</i> <span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>). Olivia, you're a wonder.</p> + +<p>(<i>Embraces her round the neck</i>.)</p> + +<p>(<i>Rising and crossing below</i> <span class="smallcaps">Brian</span>, <i>touching him on the +shoulder</i>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span>!</p> + +<p>(<i>Crossing to piano, sits and plays five bars of "The Wedding March," +rises and crosses at back of</i> <span class="smallcaps">Brian</span> <i>to</i> L. <i>of</i> <span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> +<i>behind settee</i>.)</p> + +<p>Have you really talked him round?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. I haven't said anything yet.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> (<i>very disappointed</i>). Oh!</p> + +<p>(<span class="smallcaps">Brian</span> <i>rises and backs to</i> C.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. But I dare say I shall think of something.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span>. Oh! my lord.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> (<i>disappointedly</i>). Oh!</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span> (<i>going up</i> C.). After all, Dinah, I'm going back to London +to-morrow——</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> (<i>crossing quickly towards</i> <span class="smallcaps">Brian</span>). Oh, no, no!</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Now, Dinah. You can be good for one more day, and then when +Brian isn't here, we'll see what we can do.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> (<i>placing her hands on</i> <span class="smallcaps">Brian's</span> <i>shoulders</i>). Yes, but +I didn't want him to go back to-morrow.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span> (<i>sternly, taking her hands away</i>). Must. Hard work before +me. (<span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> <i>moves to back of table</i> L.C.) Earn thousands a year. +(<i>Going down</i> R. <span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> <i>are amused</i>). Paint +the Mayor and Corporation of Pudsey, life-size, including chains of +office; paint slice of haddock on plate. Copy Landseer for old +gentleman in Bayswater. Design antimacassar for middle-aged sofa in +Streatham. (<i>Sitting and putting his legs up on settee R</i>.) Oh, +yes. Earn a living for you. Dinah.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> (<i>giggling</i>). Oh, Brian, you're heavenly. What fun we shall +have when we're married.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span> (<i>with exaggerated dignity</i>). Sir Brian Strange, R.A., if +you please, Miss Marden. Sir Brian Strange, R.A., writes: "Your +Sanogene has proved a most excellent tonic. After completing the third +acre of my Academy picture, 'The Mayor and Corporation of Pudsey,' I +was completely exhausted, but one bottle of Sanogene revived me, and I +finished the remaining seven acres at a single sitting."</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> (<i>rising and looking about her</i>). Brian, find my scissors +for me. (<i>Sits again</i>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span> (<i>rising and crossing to</i> C.). Scissors. Sir Brian Strange, +R.A., looks for scissors.</p> + +<p>(<span class="smallcaps">Brian</span>, <i>clasping his hands behind his back, with a very important +walk, looks first on the top end of piano, then on writing-table at +back</i>. <span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> <i>playfully follows him round, imitating his walk</i>. +<span class="smallcaps">Brian</span> <i>crosses to cabinet up L. and finds the scissors on top, takes +them up and in a threatening attitude turns to</i> <span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span>, +<i>exclaiming,</i> "Ha, ha!" <span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> <i>with a little playful scream +backs to chair below writing-table, and sits. Holding up scissors</i>.)</p> + +<p>Once more we must record an unqualified success for the eminent +Academician. (<i>Turning to</i> <span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> <i>and with a bow hands them +over the back of settee to her</i>.) Your scissors.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Thank you so much.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span>. Come on, Brian, let's go out. I feel open-airy.</p> + +<p>(<i>They go up</i> R.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Don't be late for lunch, there's good people. Lady Marden is +coming.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span>. Aunt Juli-ah! Help! (<i>She faints in</i> <span class="smallcaps">Brian's</span> <i> arms</i>.) +That means a clean pinafore. Brian, you'll jolly well have to brush +your hair.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span> (<i>feeling it</i>). I suppose there's no time now to go up to +London and get it cut?</p> + +<p>(<i>Enter</i> <span class="smallcaps">Anne</span> <i>from stairs up R. and comes to foot of staircase, +followed by</i> <span class="smallcaps">Pim</span>, <i>who comes half-way down the stairs</i>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Anne</span>. Mr. Pim!</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> (<i>delighted</i>). Hullo. Mr. Pim! (<i>Imitating a clown</i>.) +Here we are again! You can't get rid of us so easily, you see.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span>. I–er–dear Miss Marden——(<i>Crosses down to</i> C.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. How-do-you-do, Mr. Pim? I can't get up, but do come and sit +down (<span class="smallcaps">Pim</span> <i>shakes hands with</i> <span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>.) My husband will be here in +a minute. Anne, send somebody down to the farm——</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Anne</span>, I think I heard the Master in the library, madam.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Oh, will you tell him then?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Anne</span>. Yes, madam,</p> + +<p>(<span class="smallcaps">Anne</span> <i>goes out up staircase</i>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. You'll stay to lunch, of course, Mr. Pim?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> (<i>coming down</i> C. <i>to</i> R.) Oh, do!</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span>. It's very kind of you, Mrs. Marden, but——-</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span>. Oh, you simply must, Mr. Pim. You haven't told us half enough +about yourself yet. I want to hear all about your early life.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Dinah!</p> + +<p>(<span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> <i>sits at piano and plays thirty-two bars of "If you could only +care."</i>)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span>. Oh, we are almost, I might say, old friends, Mrs. Marden.</p> + +<p>(<span class="smallcaps">Brian</span> <i>comes down and kneels on settee</i> R., <i>listening to</i> +<span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> <i>playing</i>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span>. Of course we are. He knows Brian, too. There's more in Mr. Pim +than you think. You will stay to lunch, won't you?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span>. (<i>sits on stool</i> L.C.) It's very kind of you to ask me, Mrs. +Marden, but I am lunching with the Trevors.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Oh, well, you must come to lunch another day.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span>. Oh, thank you, thank you.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span>. The reason why we like Mr. Pim so much is that he was the first +person to congratulate us. We feel that he is going to have a great +influence on our lives.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span>. (<i>to</i> <span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>). I, so to speak, stumbled on the engagement +this morning, and–er–</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. I see. Children, you must go and tidy yourselves up. Run along.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span>. Sir Brian and Lady Strange never run; they walk.</p> + +<p>(<span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> <i>stops playing</i>.) (<i>Offering his</i> R. <i>arm and +bowing</i>.) Madam!</p> + +<p>(<span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> <i>curtsies and takes his arm and they go up</i> C.)</p> + +<p>(<span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> <i>takes mincing steps and playfully shakes her hand at</i> <span class="smallcaps">Mr. Pim</span>, <i>who is amused</i>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span>. Au revoir, Mr. Pim. (<i>Dramatically</i>.) We–shall–meet–<i>again</i>!</p> + +<p>(<span class="smallcaps">Pim</span>. <i>laughing heartily, rises and bows</i>.)</p> + +<p>(<span class="smallcaps">Brian</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> <i>go out through the window up</i> C. +<i>to</i> L.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. You must forgive them, Mr. Pim. They're such children. And +naturally they're rather excited just now.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span>. Oh, naturally, naturally!</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Of course you won't say anything about their engagement. We +only heard about it five minutes ago, and nothing has been settled yet.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span>. Of course, of course!</p> + +<p>(<i>Enter</i> <span class="smallcaps">George</span> <i>from staircase up</i> R.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. Ah, Mr. Pim, we meet at last. Sorry to have kept you waiting +before. (<i>Shaking hands</i>.) How are you? How are you?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span>. The apology should come from me, Mr. Marden, for having–er–</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. Not at all. Very glad to meet you now. Any friend of Brymer's. +You want a letter to this man Fanshawe?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Shall I be in your way at all?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span>. Oh, no, no, please don't.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. Oh, no. It's only just a question of a letter. Fanshawe will +put you in the way of seeing all that you want to see. (<i>Crossing up +to writing-table, sits</i>.) He's a very old friend of mine. (<i>Taking +a sheet of notepaper and turning in chair to</i> <span class="smallcaps">Pim</span>.) You'll stay to +lunch, of course?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span>. It's very kind of you, but I'm lunching with the Trevors. (<i>Sits +settee R. and puts down his hat and gloves</i>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. Ah, well, they'll look after you all right. Good chap, Trevor.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span>. Oh, very good ... very good. (<i>To</i> <span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>.) You see, Mrs. +Marden, I have only recently arrived from Australia–(<span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> <i>stops +in her sewing and</i> <span class="smallcaps">George</span> <i>looks up</i>)–after travelling about +the world for some years, and I'm rather out of touch with my–er–fellow-workers in London.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. I see! You've been in Australia, Mr. Pim?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span>. Oh, yes, I——</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>after a loud cough</i>). Sorry to keep you waiting, Mr. Pim. +I shan't be a moment.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span>. Oh, that's all right, thank you. (<i>To</i> <span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>.) Oh, yes, I +have been in Australia more than once in the last few years.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Really? I used to live at Sydney many years ago. Do you know +Sydney at all?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span>. Oh, yes, I was——</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>coughing</i>). H'r'm! Perhaps I'd better mention that you +are a friend of the Trevors?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span>. Thank you, thank you. (<i>To</i> <span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>.) Indeed yes, I spent +several months in Sydney a few years ago.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. How curious! I wonder if we have any friends in common there.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>coughing and gruffly</i>). Extremely unlikely, I should +think. Sydney is a very big place.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span>. True, true, but the world is a very small place, Mr. Marden. I had +a remarkable instance of that, coming over on the boat this last time.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. Ah! (<i>Feeling that the conversation is now safe, he resumes +his letter</i>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span>. Yes. There was a man I used to employ in Sydney some years ago, a +bad fellow, I'm afraid, Mrs. Marden, who had been in prison for some +kind of fraudulent company-promoting and had taken to drink and–and so +on.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Yes, yes, I understand.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span>. Drinking himself to death, I should have said. I gave him at the +most another year to live. Yet to my amazement the first person I saw +as I stepped on board the boat that brought me to England last week was +this fellow. There was no mistaking him. I spoke to him, in fact; we +recognized each other.</p> + +<p>(<span class="smallcaps">George</span> <i>rises</i>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Really?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span>. He was travelling steerage; we didn't meet again on board, and as +it happened at Marseilles, this poor fellow–er–now what was his name? +A very unusual one. Began with a–a T, I think.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> (<i>with suppressed feeling</i>). Yes, Mr. Pim, yes? (<i>She +puts out a hand to</i> <span class="smallcaps">George</span>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>in an undertone, taking her hand</i>). Nonsense, dear!</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span> (<i>triumphantly</i>). I've got it! Telworthy!</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> (<i>draws back in settee, overcome</i>). Telworthy!</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. Good God!</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span> (<i>a little surprised at the success of his story</i>). An unusual +name, is it not? Not a name you could forget when once you had heard +it.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> (<i>with feeling, gazing into space with hands clenched</i>). +No, it is not a name you could forget when once you had heard it.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>hastily coming over to</i> <span class="smallcaps">Pim</span>). Quite so, Mr. Pim, a most +remarkable name, a most odd story altogether. Well, well, here's your +letter–(<span class="smallcaps">Pim</span> <i>rises and tales letter</i>)–and if you're sure you +won't stay to lunch——</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span>. No, thank you. You see, I'm lunching with——</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. With the Trevors, yes. I remember you told me. (<i>Taking his +arm and hurrying him up</i> C.) I'll just see you on your way.... +(<i>To</i> <span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>, <i>who does not notice</i> <span class="smallcaps">Pim</span> <i>holding out his +hand to say good-bye</i>.) Er–my dear——</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> (<i>holding out her hand, but not looking at him</i>). Good-bye, +Mr. Pim.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span> (<i>shaking hands with</i> <span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>). Good-bye, good-bye!</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>taking him by the arm up</i> L. <i>towards the windows</i>). +This way, this way. Quicker for you.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span>, Thank you, thank you.</p> + +<p>(<span class="smallcaps">George</span> <i>hurries him up</i> C. <i>and he exits to</i> L. <span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> +<i>looks into the past and shudders</i>. <span class="smallcaps">George</span> <i>comes back to</i> +C.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. Good God! Telworthy! (<span class="smallcaps">Anne</span> <i>enters from up</i> R. <i>and +comes to foot of staircase</i>.) Is it possible?</p> + +<p>(<i>Before</i> <span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> <i>can answer,</i> <span class="smallcaps">Lady Marden</span> <i>is +announced</i>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Anne</span>. Lady Marden.</p> + +<p>(<span class="smallcaps">George</span> <i>crosses down to</i> <span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> <i>and touches her on the +shoulder. They pull themselves together, and</i> <span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> <i>rises and is +crossing towards</i> C. <i>to greet</i> <span class="smallcaps">Lady Marden</span>, <i>who does not +appear</i>.)</p> + +<p align="center" class="smallcaps"><b>Quick Curtain.</b></p> + +<h1>Act II</h1> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Scene</span>.–<i>The same scene and furniture with addition of a camp table +and five camp chairs outside on terrace at back centre. Lunch is +over.</i> <span class="smallcaps">Lady Marden's</span> <i>whip and gloves are on writing-table</i>.</p> + +<p>(<span class="smallcaps">Anne</span> <i>enters with coffee for five on salver, from double doors</i> +R., <i>and is about to place it on table</i> L.C. <i>when</i> <span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>, +<i>who follows her on, says</i>:)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. We'll have coffee on the terrace, Anne.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Anne</span>. Very good, madam. (<i>Moves up</i> L. <i>and places salver on +camp table on terrace</i>.)</p> + +<p>(<span class="smallcaps">Lady Marden</span> <i>follows</i> <span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> <i>from double doors</i> R. <span class="smallcaps">Anne</span> +<i>crosses at back of windows to</i> R.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. We'll have coffee on the terrace, Aunt Julia.</p> + +<p>(<span class="smallcaps">Lady Marden</span> <i>crosses in front of</i> <span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> <i>and up</i> L. +<i>through windows and sits</i> R. <i>at back of camp table</i>. <span class="smallcaps">George</span> +<i>follows</i> <span class="smallcaps">Lady Marden</span>, <i>meets</i> <span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>, <i>and both throw up +their arms despairingly.</i> <span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> <i>crosses up</i> L. <i>through +windows and sits to</i> L. <i>of camp table.</i> <span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smallcaps">Brian</span> +<i>follow</i> <span class="smallcaps">George</span> <i>on</i>.)</p> + +<p>(<span class="smallcaps">Anne</span> <i>exits at doors</i> R.)</p> + +<p>(<span class="smallcaps">George</span> <i>turns, and seeing</i> <span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> <i>is annoyed, follows</i> +<span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> <i>up</i> L. <i>and sits</i> L. <i>of</i> <span class="smallcaps">Lady Marden</span>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> (<i>to</i> <span class="smallcaps">Brian</span>). I know Aunt Julia likes a little music.</p> + +<p>(<span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> <i>comes down to piano and takes up small guitar.</i> <span class="smallcaps">Brian</span> +<i>crosses to</i> L., <i>laughing at her. She goes up</i> L. <i>of +writing-table, playing and singing, and crosses round back of writing-table and sits to</i> R. <i>of camp table,</i> <span class="smallcaps">Brian</span> <i>follows her and +stands with his back to windows.</i> <span class="smallcaps">George</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smallcaps">Lady Marden</span> +<i>are annoyed with</i> <span class="smallcaps">Dinah's</span> <i>playing, and tell her to stop, and +she does so.</i> <span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> <i>pours milk into</i> <span class="smallcaps">Dinah's</span> <i>cup and</i> +<span class="smallcaps">Brian</span> <i>passes it to her; she drinks and then commences to play again +and is stopped by looks from</i> <span class="smallcaps">Lady Marden</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smallcaps">George</span>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Lady Marden</span> (<i>to</i> <span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span>). No! No! Don't do it!</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Your aunt does not like it, dear.</p> + +<p>(<span class="smallcaps">George</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> <i>want to be alone, so do</i> <span class="smallcaps">Brian</span> +<i>and</i> <span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span>. <i>At last</i> <span class="smallcaps">Brian</span> <i>murmurs something about a +cigarette-case, and catching</i> <span class="smallcaps">Dinah's</span> <i>eye, comes into the room. +He leans against the sofa down</i> L. <i>and waits for her</i>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> (<i>loudly, as she comes in strumming on guitar</i>). Have you +found it?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span>. Found what?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> (<i>in her ordinary voice, crossing quickly down to</i> <span class="smallcaps">Brian</span>). +That was just for <i>their</i> benefit. I said I'd help you find it. It +<i>is</i> your cigarette-case we're looking for, isn't it?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span> (<i>taking it out</i>). Yes. Have one?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span>. No, thank you, darling. (<span class="smallcaps">Brian</span> <i>goes up</i> R. <i>in smoking-table for a match</i>.) Aunt Juli-ah still thinks it's unladylike.... +Have you ever seen her beagling? (<i>Comes down to piano, puts down +instrument</i>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span>. No. Is that very ladylike?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> (<i>sitting on settee</i> R.). Very.... I say, what has happened, +do you think?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span> (<i>moving down to back of table</i> R.C.). Everything. I love +you, and you love me.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span>. Silly! I meant between George and Olivia. Didn't you notice them +at lunch?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span> (<i>sits on table</i>). I noticed that you seemed to be doing +most of the talking. But then I've noticed that before sometimes. Do +you think Olivia and your uncle have quarrelled because of <i>us</i>?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span>. Of course not. George may <i>think</i> he has quarrelled, but +I'm quite sure Olivia hasn't. No (<span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> <i>beckons to</i> <span class="smallcaps">Brian</span>, <i>who +comes and sits above her</i>), I believe Mr. Pim's at the bottom of it. +He's brought some terribly sad news about George's investments. +(<i>Rising and facing</i> <span class="smallcaps">Brian</span>.) The old home will have to be sold up.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span>. Good. Then your uncle won't mind your marrying me.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> (<i>by table above settee</i> R.). Yes, darling, but you must be +more dramatic about it than that. "George," you must say, with tears in +your eyes, "I cannot pay off the whole of the mortgage for you. I have +only two and ninepence; but at least let me take your niece off your +hands." Then George will (<i>hitting him on the shoulder)</i> thump you +on the back and say gruffly (<i>crossing to</i> L.), "You're a good +fellow, Brian, a damn good fellow," and he'll blow his nose very +loudly, and say, "Confound this cigar, it won't draw properly."</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span> (<i>rising and crossing to</i> <span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span>). Dinah, you're a heavenly +idiot. And you've simply got to marry me, uncles or no uncles.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span>. Hush! (<i>She takes his hand and they sit on settee</i> L., +<i>hiding from others at back</i>). It will have to be "uncles," I'm +afraid, because, you see, I'm his ward, and I can get sent to Chancery +or Coventry or somewhere beastly, if I marry without his consent, +Haven't <i>you</i> got anybody who objects to your marrying <i>me</i>?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span>. Nobody, thank Heaven.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span>. Well, that's rather disappointing of you. I saw myself +fascinating your aged father at the same time that you were fascinating +George. I should have done it much better than you. As a George-fascinator you aren't very successful, sweetheart.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span> (<i>kissing her hand</i>). What am I like as a Dinah-fascinator?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span>. Plus six, darling.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span>. Then I'll stick to that and leave George to Olivia.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span>. I expect she'll manage him all right. I have great faith in +Olivia. But you'll marry me, anyhow, won't you, Brian?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span>. I will.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span>. Even if we have to wait till I'm twenty-one?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span>. Even if we have to wait till you're fifty-one.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> (<i>holding out her hands to him</i>). Darling!</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span> (<i>uneasily</i>). I say, don't do that.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span>. Why not?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span>. Well, I promised I wouldn't kiss you.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span>. Oh! (<i>Rising and crossing to</i> C., <i>watching the others at +back</i>). Well, you might just send me a kiss. You can look the other +way as if you didn't know I was here.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span>. Like this?</p> + +<p>(<i>He looks the other way, kisses the tips of his fingers, and flicks +it carelessly in her direction. She pretends to catch it, kissing her +own hands</i>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span>. That was a lovely one. Now here's one coming for you.</p> + +<p>(<i>She throws him a kiss. He catches it gracefully and conveys it to +his mouth</i>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span> (<i>rising, and with a low bow</i>). Madam, I thank you.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> (<i>curtsying</i>). Your servant, Mr. Strange,</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> (<i>rising from outside</i>). Dinah!</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> (<i>jumping up</i>). Hullo! (<i>Moving quickly to piano, plays +"Mickey."</i>)</p> + +<p>(<span class="smallcaps">Brian</span> <i>throws away his cigarette and walks to</i> L.)</p> + +<p>(<span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> <i>comes in through the window up</i> L., <i>followed by</i> +<span class="smallcaps">George</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smallcaps">Lady Marden</span>, <i>the latter a vigorous young woman of +sixty odd, who always looks as if she were beagling</i>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> (<i>coming down to</i> <span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> <i>above piano</i>). Aunt Julia +wants to see the pigs, dear. I wish you'd take her down. I'm rather +tired, and your uncle has some business to attend to.</p> + +<p>(<span class="smallcaps">George</span> <i>sits in chair up</i> C. <i>in front of writing-table</i>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Lady Marden</span> (<i>moving down</i> C.), I've always said that you don't +take enough exercise, Olivia. (<i>Turning to others</i>.) Look at me–sixty-five and proud of it. (<i>Goes up</i> R. <i>and takes up gloves +and riding-whip from writing-table</i>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> (<i>taking off her coatee</i>). Yes, Aunt Julia, you're +wonderful.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span>. How old would Olivia be if she took exercise?</p> + +<p>(<span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>, <i>smiling, but with an admonishing look at</i> <span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span>, +<i>comes up</i> R. <i>and places her coatee on balustrade</i>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>from up</i> C.). Don't fool about asking silly questions, +Dinah. Your aunt hasn't much time.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span>. May I come, too, Lady Marden?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Lady Marden</span> (<i>coming down centre to</i> <span class="smallcaps">Brian</span>). Well, a little +exercise wouldn't do <i>you</i> any harm, Mr. Strange. You're an +artist, ain't you?</p> + +<p>(<span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> <i>stops playing</i>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span>. Well, I try to paint.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> (<i>rises and moves to</i> R.C.). He sold a picture last March +for——</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. Yes, yes, never mind that now.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Lady Marden</span>. Yes, unhealthy life. (<i>Going to</i> R. <i>of writing-table and crossing at back, turns to</i> <span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smallcaps">Brian</span>.) Well, +come along.</p> + +<p>(<i>She strides out up</i> L., <i>followed by</i> <span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> <i>and</i> +<span class="smallcaps">Brian</span>, <i>who upset</i> <span class="smallcaps">George's</span> <i>papers on writing-table as they +go</i>. <span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> <i>takes the curtains and workbox from</i> C. +<i>cupboard of cabinet and comes down</i> L.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>looking up and seeing</i> <span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>). Really, Olivia, we've got +something more important, more vital to us than curtains, to discuss, +now that we <i>are</i> alone at last.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. I wasn't going to discuss them, dear. (<i>Sits</i>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. Of course, I'm always glad to see Aunt Julia in my house, but I +wish she hadn't chosen this day of all days to come to lunch.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. It wasn't Aunt Julia's fault. It was really Mr. Pim who chose +the wrong day.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>fiercely and rising</i>). Good heavens, is it true?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. About Jacob Telworthy?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. Yon told me he was dead. (<i>Moving down to</i> L. <i>of</i> L.C. +<i>table</i>.) You always said that he was dead.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Well, I always thought that he was dead. He was as dead as +anybody could be. All the papers said he was dead.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>scornfully</i>). The papers!(<i>Crossing up to smoking-table +for his pipe</i>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> (<i>as if this would settle it for</i> <span class="smallcaps">George</span>). The <i>Times</i> +said he was dead. There was a paragraph about him. Apparently even his +death was fraudulent.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>coming down</i> C.). Yes, yes, I'm not blaming you, Olivia, +but what are we going to do, that's the question, what are we going to +do? My God, it's horrible! (<i>Crossing to fireplace</i>.) You've never +been married to me at all! You don't seem to understand.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. It is a little difficult to realize. You see, it doesn't seem +to have made any difference to our happiness.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. No, that's what's so terrible. (<span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> <i>looks up +surprised</i>.) I mean–well, of course, we were quite innocent in the +matter. (<i>Sits in arm-chair down</i> L.) But, at the same time, +nothing can get over the fact that we–we had no right to–to be happy.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Would you rather we had been miserable?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. You're Telworthy's wife, that's what you don't seem to +understand. You're Telworthy's wife. You–er–forgive me, Olivia, but +it's the horrible truth–you committed bigamy when you married me. +(<i>In horror, going up</i> L.) Bigamy! (<i>Coming round to</i> C.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. It is an ugly word, isn't it?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. Yes, but you don't understand. (<i>Coming quickly down</i> C., +<i>sits on stool</i> L.C., <i>facing her</i>.) Look here, Olivia, old +girl, the whole thing is nonsense, eh? It isn't your husband, it's some +other Telworthy that this fellow met. That's right, isn't it? Some +other shady swindler who turned up on the boat, eh? This sort of thing +doesn't happen to people like <i>us</i>–committing bigamy and all +that. Some other fellow.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> (<i>shaking her head</i>). I knew all the shady swindlers in +Sydney.... They came to dinner.... There were no others called +Telworthy.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>rising with gesture of despair</i>). Well, what are we going +to do?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. You sent Mr. Pim away so quickly. He might have told us things. +Telworthy's plans. Where he is now. You hurried him away so quickly.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. I've sent a note round to ask him to come back. My one idea at +the moment was to get him out of the house–to hush things up. +(<i>Going up to writing-table</i>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. You can't hush up two husbands.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>in despair</i>). You can't. (<i>Sits at writing-table</i>.) +Everybody will know. Everybody!</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. The children, Aunt Julia, they may as well know now as later. +Mr. Pim must, of course.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. I do not propose to discuss my private affairs with Mr. Pim——</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. But he's mixed himself up in them rather, hasn't he, and if +you're going to ask him questions——</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. I only propose to ask him one question. I shall ask him if he +is absolutely certain of this fellow's name. I can do that quite easily +without letting him know the reason for my inquiry.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. You couldn't make a mistake about a name like Telworthy. But he +might tell us something about Telworthy's plans. Perhaps he's going +back to Australia at once. Perhaps he thinks I'm dead, too. Perhaps–oh, there are so many things I want to know.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. Yes, yes, dear. It would be interesting to–that is, one +naturally wants to know these things, but of course it doesn't make any +real difference. + +<span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> (<i>surprised</i>). No difference?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>rising and coming down to back of settee</i> L.). Well, that +is to say, you're as much his wife if he's in Australia as you are if +he's in England.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. I am not his wife at all. (<i>Shaking her head</i>.) Jacob +Telworthy may be alive, but I am not his wife. I ceased to be his wife +when I became yours.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. You never <i>were</i> my wife. (<i>Annoyed and crossing to</i> +R. <i>and back again to</i> L.C.) That is the terrible part of it. Our +union–you make me say it, Olivia–has been unhallowed by the Church. +Unhallowed even by the Law. Legally, we have been living in–living in–well, the point is, how does the Law stand? I imagine that Telworthy +could get a–a divorce.... Oh, it seems impossible that things like +this can be happening to <i>us</i>. (<i>Going up</i> C.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. A divorce?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. I–I imagine so.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. But then we could <i>really</i> get married, and we shouldn't +be living in–living in–whatever we were living in before.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>coming down to</i> R. <i>of table</i> L.C.). I can't +understand you, Olivia. You talk about it so calmly, as if there was +nothing blameworthy in being divorced.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Yes, but——</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. As if there was nothing unusual in my marrying a divorced +woman.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Yes, but——</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. As if there was nothing wrong in our having lived together for +years without having been married.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> (<i>placing her hands on table</i>). What seems wrong to me is +that I lived for five years with a bad man whom I hated. What seems +right to me is that I lived for five years with a good man whom I love.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>taking and patting her hands affectionately</i>). Yes, yes, +my dear, I know. (<i>Drops her hands and moves to</i> C.) But right and +wrong don't settle themselves as easily as that. We've been living +together when you were Telworthy's wife. That's <i>wrong</i>.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Do you mean wicked?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. Well, no doubt the Court would consider that we acted in +perfect innocence——</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. What Court?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. Well, you see, my dear, these things have to be done legally, +of course. (<i>Moving to</i> R. <i>to settee, thinking it out</i>.) I +believe the proper method is a nullity suit, declaring our marriage +null and–er–void. It would, so to speak, wipe out these years of–er—(<i>Moving back to</i> C.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Wickedness?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. Of irregular union, and-er–then——</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Then I could go back to Jacob.... Do you really mean that, +George?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>uneasily</i>). Well, dear, you see-that's how things are–one can't get away from–er——–</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. What you feel is that Telworthy has the greater claim? You are +prepared to–make way for him?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. Both the Church and the Law would say that I had no claim at +all, I'm afraid. I–I suppose I haven't.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. I see. (<i>She looks at him curiously</i>.) Thank you for +making it so clear, George.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. Of course, whether or not you go back to–er–Telworthy is +another matter altogether. (<i>Crossing to fireplace</i>.) That would +naturally be for you to decide.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> (<i>cheerfully</i>). For me and Jacko to decide.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. Er–Jacko?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. I used to call my first husband–I mean my only husband–Jacko. +I didn't like the name of Jacob, and Jacko seemed to suit him somehow. +(<i>Enjoying the joke</i>.) He had very long arms. (<span class="smallcaps">George</span> <i>is very +annoyed</i>.) Poor Jacko.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>annoyed</i>). You don't seem to realize that this is not a +joke, Olivia.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> (<i>still amused</i>). It may not be a joke, but it is funny, +isn't it?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. I must say I don't see anything funny in a tragedy that has +wrecked two lives.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Two? Oh, but Jacko's life isn't wrecked. It has just been +miraculously restored to him. And a wife, too. There's nothing tragic +for Jacko in it.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>stiffly</i>). I was referring to <i>our</i> two lives–yours +and mine.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Yours, George? Your life isn't wrecked. The Court will absolve +you of all blame; your friends will sympathize with you, and tell you +that I was a designing woman who deliberately took you in; your Aunt +Julia–</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>overwrought</i>). Stop it! (<i>Crossing over to her</i>.) +What do you mean? Have you no heart? (<span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> <i>gives a little hurt +cry</i>.) Do you think I <i>want</i> to lose you, Olivia? (<i>Sits on +her</i> L.) Do you think I <i>want</i> my home broken up like this? +Haven't you been happy with me these last five years?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Very happy.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. Well then, how can you talk like that?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. But you want to send me away,</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. There you go again. I don't <i>want</i> to. I have hardly had +time to realize just what it will mean to me when you go. The fact is I +simply daren't realize it. I daren't think about it.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Try thinking about it, George.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. And you talk as if I <i>wanted</i> to send you away!</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Try thinking about it, George.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. You don't seem to understand that I'm not <i>sending</i> you +away. You simply aren't mine to keep.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Whose am I?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>dubiously</i>). Your husband's. Telworthy's.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> (<i>gently</i>). If I belong to anybody but myself, I think I +belong to you.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. Not in the eyes of the Law. Not in the eyes of the Church. Not +even in the eyes of–er——</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. The County?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>annoyed</i>). I was about to say "Heaven."</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Oh!</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>rising and crossing below</i> <span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> <i>to</i> C.). That +this should happen to <i>us</i>!</p> + +<p>(<span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> <i>works in silence. Then she shakes out her curtains</i>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> (<i>looking at them</i>). I do hope Jacko will like these.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>turning and seeing curtains</i>). What! You——(<i>Going up +to her quickly and taking her by the hands raises her from the +settee</i>.) Olivia, Olivia, have you no heart?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Ought you to talk like that to another man's wife?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. Confound it, is this just a joke to you?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. You must forgive me, George; I am a little over-excited–at the +thought of returning to Jacob.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. Do you <i>want</i> to return to him?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. One wants to do what is right. In the eyes of–er–Heaven.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. Seeing what sort of a man he is, I have no doubt that you could +get a separation, supposing that he didn't–er–divorce you. I don't +know <i>what</i> is best. I must consult my solicitor. The whole +position has been sprung on us, and (<i>miserably sits on stool</i> +L.C.) I don't know, I don't know. I can't take it all in. (<i>Leaning +forward and burying his face in his hands</i>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Wouldn't you like to consult your Aunt Julia too? She could +tell you what the County–I mean what Heaven really thought about it.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. Yes, yes. Aunt Julia has plenty of common sense. You're quite +right, Olivia. This isn't a thing we can keep from the family.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Do I still call her <i>Aunt</i> Julia?</p> + +<p>(<span class="smallcaps">Anne</span> <i>comes in from staircase up</i> R. <span class="smallcaps">George</span> <i>does not see her, +but</i> <span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> <i>attracts his attention</i>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>looking up at</i> <span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>). What? What? (<i>Rising and +crossing up to</i> <span class="smallcaps">Anne</span>.) Well, what is it?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Anne</span>. Mr. Pim says he will come down at once, sir.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. Oh, thank you, thank you.</p> + +<p>(<span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> <i>picks up curtains.</i> <span class="smallcaps">Anne</span> <i>goes out up staircase up</i> +R.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. George, Mr. Pim has got to know.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. I don't see the necessity.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Not even for me? When a woman suddenly hears that her long-lost +husband is restored to her, don't you think she wants to ask questions? +Where is he living, and how is he looking, and–</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>very angry, going to writing-table, sits</i>). Of course, if +you are interested in these things–</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. How can I help being? Don't be so silly, George. (<i>Moves up +to</i> R. <i>of</i> <span class="smallcaps">George</span> <i>with the curtains on her arm</i>.) We +<i>must</i> know what Jacko–</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>annoyed</i>) I wish you wouldn't call him by that ridiculous +name.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. My husband–</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>wincing</i>). Yes, well–your husband?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Well, we must know his plans–where we can communicate with +him, and so on.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. I have no wish to communicate with him.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. I'm afraid you'll have to, dear.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. I don't see the necessity.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Well, you'll want to–to apologize to him for living with his +wife for so long. (<span class="smallcaps">George</span> <i>looks up and round at her nonplussed</i>). +And as I belong to him, he ought to be told where he can–call for me.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>after a struggle and scratching his head</i>). You put it in +a very peculiar way, but I see your point. (<i>With a shudder</i>.) Oh, +the horrible publicity of it all! (<i>Turns away and leans on writing-table</i>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> (<i>going up to him and comforting him, placing her hands on his +shoulders</i>). Poor George. Dear, don't think I don't sympathize with +you. I understand so exactly what you are feeling. The publicity! It's +terrible.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>miserably and turning in his chair to her</i>). I want to do +what's right. You believe that, don't you?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Of course I do. (<i>Taking her hands away</i>.) It's only that +we don't quite agree as to what is right and what is wrong.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. It isn't a question of agreeing. Right is right, and wrong is +wrong, all the world over.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> (<i>with a sad little smile</i>). But more particularly in +Buckinghamshire, I think.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. If I only considered myself, I should say: "Let us pack this +man Telworthy back to Australia. He would make no claim. He would +accept money to go away and say nothing about it." If I consulted +simply my own happiness, Olivia, that, is what I should say. But when I +consult–er–</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> (<i>with great feeling</i>). Mine?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. My conscience——</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> (<i>disappointed</i>). Oh!</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. Then I can't do it. (<i>Rises and is going up</i> L.) It's +wrong.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> (<i>making her first appeal</i>). Yes; but, George, don't you +think I'm worth a little–</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>turning round, seeing</i> <span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> <i>coming</i>). H'sh! Dinah! +(<i>Moves back to writing-table. Loudly for</i> <span class="smallcaps">Dinah's</span> +<i>benefit</i>.) Well, then I'll write to him and–Ah, Dinah, where's +Aunt Julia?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> (<i>coming in from up</i> L.). We've seen the pigs, and now she's +discussing the Art of Landseer with Brian. (<i>Crossing in front of +writing-table to</i> <span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>.) I just came to ask–</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Dinah, dear, bring Aunt Julia here. And Brian too. We have +things we want to talk about with you all.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span>. Right-o! (<i>Moves back up</i> L.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>outraged</i>). Olivia!</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> (<i>turning on terrace</i>). What fun!</p> + +<p>(<span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> <i>goes to table</i> L.C. <i>and picks up her work-box. +Exit</i> <span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> L.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. Olivia, you don't seriously suggest that we should discuss +these things with a child like Dinah and a young man like Strange, a +mere acquaintance.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Dinah will have to know. I'm very fond of her, George. You +can't send me away without telling Dinah. And Brian is my friend. +(<i>Moving to cabinet, puts curtains and work-box on top of +cabinet</i>.) You have your solicitor and your aunt and your conscience +to consult–mayn't I even have Brian?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>forgetting</i>). I should have thought that your +<i>husband</i>–</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> (<i>coming down to</i> L. <i>back end of settee</i> L.). Yes, +but we don't know where Jacko is.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. I was not referring to–er–Telworthy.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Well then?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. Oh, of course–You–naturally I–Oh, this is horrible! (<i>Sits +with his face in his hands at writing-table</i>.)</p> + +<p>(<span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> <i>is about to speak to him as</i> <span class="smallcaps">Lady Marden</span> <i>enters from +up</i> L. <span class="smallcaps">Lady Marden</span> <i>looks at</i> <span class="smallcaps">George</span>, <i>then moves down to +centre.</i> <span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> <i>follows and comes to</i> L. <i>back end of +settee.</i> <span class="smallcaps">Brian</span> <i>follows</i> <span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> <i>and comes to back of +table</i> L.C. <span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> <i>moves round to</i> L. <i>end of settee</i> L.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> (<i>after a pause</i>). George and I have had some rather bad +news, Aunt Julia. We wanted your advice. Where will you sit?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Lady Marden</span>. Thank you, Olivia. I can sit down by myself.</p> + +<p>(<i>She does so, on lower end of settee</i> R., <i>moving cushion +away</i>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> (<i>to</i> <span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span>). You sit there, my darling.</p> + +<p>(<span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> <i>sits in arm-chair down</i> L. <i>and</i> <span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> <i>on +settee</i> L. <i>There is a good pause</i>. <span class="smallcaps">All</span> <i>are looking very +uncomfortable</i>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Lady Marden</span>. Well, what is it?</p> + +<p>(<i>Another pause</i>. <span class="smallcaps">All</span> <i>are still looking very +uncomfortable</i>.)</p> + +<p>Money, I suppose; nobody's safe nowadays.</p> + +<p>(<i>There is another good pause</i>. <span class="smallcaps">George</span> <i>looks up hopelessly +at</i> <span class="smallcaps">Lady Marden</span>. <span class="smallcaps">Brian</span> <i>moves up inquisitively towards</i> <span class="smallcaps">George</span>, +<i>who turns and gradually raising his head catches sight of</i> <span class="smallcaps">Brian</span> +<i>and gives him a severe look and</i> <span class="smallcaps">Brian</span> <i>retreats quickly to +back of</i> L.C. <i>table</i>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>signalling for help</i>). Olivia——</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> (<i>after a pause</i>). We've just heard that my first husband +is still alive.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span>. Telworthy!</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span>. Good Lord!</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Lady Marden</span>. George!</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> (<i>excitedly</i>). And only this morning I was saying that +nothing ever happened in this house! (<i>Rising from arm-chair and +sitting to</i> L. <i>of</i> <span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> <i>and remorsefully to her</i>.) +Darling, I don't mean that. Darling one!</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Lady Marden</span>. What does this mean, George? I leave you for ten minutes–barely ten minutes–to go and look at the pigs, and when I come back +you tell me that Olivia is a bigamist.</p> + +<p>(<span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> <i>jumps up and moves to</i> L. <i>of settee</i> L.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span> (<i>indignantly advancing towards</i> <span class="smallcaps">Lady Marden</span>). I say——</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> (<i>restraining him</i>). H'sh!</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span> (<i>to</i> <span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> <i>and taking her hand across table</i> L.C.). +If this is a row, I'm on your side.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Lady Marden</span>. Well, George?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>rising and coming down to</i> <span class="smallcaps">Lady Marden</span>). I'm afraid it's +true, Aunt Julia. (<i>Taking stool from</i> L.C. <i>to</i> C., <i>sits +on it</i>. <span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> <i>sits in arm-chair down</i> L.) We heard the news +just before lunch–just before you came. We've only this moment had an +opportunity of talking about it, of wondering what to do.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Lady Marden</span>. What was his name——Tel–something——</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Jacob Telworthy.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Lady Marden</span> (<i>in amazement</i>). So he's alive still?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. Apparently. There seems to be no doubt about it.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Lady Marden</span> (<i>to</i> <span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>). Didn't you <i>see</i> him die? I should +always want to <i>see</i> my husband die before I married again. Not +that I approve of second marriages, anyhow. I told you so at the time, +George.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. <i>And</i> me, Aunt Julia.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Lady Marden</span>. Did I? Well, I generally say what I think.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. I ought to tell you, Aunt Julia, that no blame attaches to +Olivia over this. Of that I am perfectly satisfied. It's nobody's +fault, except——</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Lady Marden</span>. Except Telworthy's. <i>He</i> seems to have been rather +careless. Well, what are you going to do about it?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. That's just it. It's a terrible situation (<i>With a gesture of +despair</i>.) There's bound to be so much publicity. Not only all this, +but–but Telworthy's past.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Lady Marden</span>. I should have said that it was Telworthy's present which, +was the trouble. Had he a past as well?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. He was a fraudulent company promoter. He went to prison a good +deal.</p> + +<p>(<i>General consternation</i>. <span class="smallcaps">Brian</span> <i>gives a long whistle and goes +up</i>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Lady Marden</span>. George, you never told me this!</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. I–er——</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. I don't see <i>why</i> he should want to talk about it.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> (<i>indignantly rising and moving to L. end of settee</i> L.). +What's it got to do with Olivia, anyhow? It's not <i>her</i> fault.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Lady Marden</span> (<i>sarcastically and emphatically</i>). Oh, no, I daresay +it's mine.</p> + +<p>(<i>There is an uncomfortable pause</i>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> (<i>to</i> <span class="smallcaps">George</span>). You wanted to ask Aunt Julia what was the +right thing to do.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span> (<i>crossing down L.C. and bursting out</i>). Good Heavens, what +is there to do except the one and only thing? (<i>They all look at him +and he becomes embarrassed and backs up stage a little</i>.) I'm sorry. +You don't want <i>me</i> to——</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> (<i>taking his hand across table</i> L.C.). <i>I</i> do, Brian.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Lady Marden</span>. Well, go on, Mr. Strange. What would <i>you</i> do in +George's position?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span> (<i>crosses down to back of table</i> L.C.). Do? Say to the woman +I loved, "You're <i>mine</i> (<i>bangs table with his fist</i>), and +let this other damned fellow come and take you from me if he can!" And +he couldn't–how could he?–not if the woman chose <i>me</i>.</p> + +<p>(<span class="smallcaps">Lady Marden</span> <i>gazes at</i> <span class="smallcaps">Brian</span> <i>in amazement</i>, <span class="smallcaps">George</span> <i>in +anger</i>. <span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> <i>presses his hand gratefully. He has said what she +has been waiting–oh, so eagerly–for</i> <span class="smallcaps">George</span> <i>to say</i>. <span class="smallcaps">George</span> +<i>rises and goes angrily up to</i> <span class="smallcaps">Brian</span>, <i>who defies him</i>. +<span class="smallcaps">George</span> <i>is subdued and moves helplessly up</i> C. <i>followed by</i> +<span class="smallcaps">Brian</span>, <i>who is still defiant</i>. <span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> <i>rises and runs up</i> L. +<i>and round back of settee</i> L. <i>and up to left of</i> <span class="smallcaps">Brian</span> +<i>and takes his arm</i>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> (<i>adoringly</i>). Oh, Brian! (<i>In a loud whisper</i>.) It +<i>is</i> me, isn't it, and not Olivia?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span>. You baby, of course!</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Lady Marden</span>. I'm afraid, Mr. Strange (<span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> <i>with an exclamation of +annoyance comes down to</i> L. <i>of settee</i> L.), your morals are as +peculiar as your views on Art.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span> (<i>down to back of table</i> L.C.). This is not a question of +morals or of art, it's a question of love.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span>. Hear, hear!</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Lady Marden</span> (<i>to</i> <span class="smallcaps">George</span>). Isn't it that girl's bed-time yet?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> (<i>to</i> <span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> <i>and taking her hand</i>). We'll let her sit +up a little longer if she's good.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span>. I will be good, Olivia (<i>aggressively to</i> <span class="smallcaps">Lady Marden</span>), +only I thought anybody, however important a debate was, was allowed to +say "Hear, hear!"</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>coming down</i> C.). Really, Olivia, I really think we could +discuss this better if Mr. Strange took Dinah out for a walk. Strange, +If you–er——</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Tell them what you have settled first, George.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Lady Marden</span>. Settled? What is there to be settled? It settles itself.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>sadly</i>). That's just it.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Lady Marden</span>. The marriage must be annulled–is that the word, George?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. I presume so. (<i>Sits on stool</i> C.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Lady Marden</span>. One's solicitor will know all about that, of course.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span>. And when the marriage has been annulled, what then?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Lady Marden</span>. Presumably Olivia will return to her husband.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span> (<i>bitterly to</i> <span class="smallcaps">Lady Marden</span>). And <i>that's</i> morality! As +expounded by Bishop Landseer!</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>angered, rising and facing</i> <span class="smallcaps">Brian</span>). I don't know what you +mean by Bishop Landseer. Morality is acting in accordance with the Laws +of the Land and the Laws of the Church. I am quite prepared to believe +that your creed embraces neither marriage (<span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> <i>gives a little cry +and bangs a cushion on settee angrily</i>) nor monogamy, but my creed +is different.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span> (<i>fiercely</i>). My creed includes both marriage and monogamy, +and monogamy means sticking to the woman you love, as long as she wants +you.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Lady Marden</span> (<i>calmly</i>). You suggest that George and Olivia should +go on living together, although they have never been legally married. +Bless the man, what do you think the County would say?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span> (<i>scornfully</i>). Does it matter?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span>. Well, if you really want to know, the men would say, "Gad, she's +a fine woman; I don't wonder he sticks to her," and the women would +say, "I can't <i>think</i> what he sees in her to stick to her like +that," and they'd both say, "After all, he may be a damn fool, but you +can't deny he's a sportsman."</p> + +<p>(<span class="smallcaps">Lady Marden</span> <i>is very indignant</i>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>indignantly</i>). Was it for this sort of thing Olivia, that +you insisted on having Dinah and Mr. Strange in here? To insult me in +my own house?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Lady Marden</span>. I can't think what young people are coming to nowadays.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. I think, dear, you and Brian had better go.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> (<i>getting up</i>). We will go. (<i>Crossing below</i> <span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> +<i>and putting her knee on stool and looking cheekily up into</i> +<span class="smallcaps">George</span>'s <i>face</i>.) But I'm just going to say one thing, Uncle +George. Brian and I <i>are</i> going to marry each other, and when we +are married we'll stick to each other, however many of our dead +husbands and wives turn up! Come on, Brian. (<i>She goes up</i> C. +<i>and through window and goes out indignantly, followed by</i> <span class="smallcaps">Brian</span> +R.)</p> + +<p>(<span class="smallcaps">George</span> <i>follows them up</i>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. Upon my word, this is a pleasant discussion.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. I think the discussion is over, George. It is only a question +of where I shall go, while you are bringing your–what sort of suit did +you call it?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Lady Marden</span> (<i>to</i> <span class="smallcaps">George</span>). Nullity suit. I suppose that <i>is</i> +the best thing?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. It's horrible. (<i>Moving down between stool and</i> <span class="smallcaps">Lady Marden</span>.) The awful publicity. That it should be happening to <i>us</i>, +that's what I can't get over.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Lady Marden</span>. I don't remember anything of the sort in the Marden Family +before, ever.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>absently</i>). Lady Fanny.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Lady Marden</span> (<i>recollecting</i>). Yes, of course; but that was two +hundred years ago. The standards were different then. (<i>Rising and +going up</i> C. <i>to</i> R.) Besides, it wasn't quite the same, +anyhow.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>absently</i>). No, it wasn't quite the same.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Lady Marden</span> (<i>R. of writing-table</i>). No. We shall all feel it. +Terribly.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>his apology</i>). If there were any other way! Olivia, what +<i>can</i> I do? It <i>is</i> the only way, isn't it? All that that +fellow said–of course, it sounds very well–but as things are.... +(<i>Crossing towards</i> <span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>.) <i>Is</i> there anything in marriage, +or isn't there? You believe that there is, don't you? You aren't one of +these Socialists. Well, then, <i>can</i> we go on living together when +you're another man's wife? It isn't only what people will say, but it +<i>is</i> wrong, isn't it?.... And supposing he doesn't divorce you, +are we to go on living together, unmarried, for <i>ever</i>? (<span class="smallcaps">Lady Marden</span> <i>turns and listens</i>.) Olivia, you seem to think that I'm +just thinking of the publicity–what people will say. I'm not. I'm not. +That comes in any way. But I want to do what's right, what's best. I +don't mean what's best for us, what makes us happiest, I mean what's +really best, what's rightest. What anybody else would do in my place. +(<span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> <i>holds out her hands lovingly towards him</i>.) <i>I</i> +don't know. It's so unfair. You're not my wife at all, but I want to do +what's right.... (<i>Sits foot of table</i> L.C.) Oh, Olivia, Olivia, +you do understand, don't you?</p> + +<p>(<i>They have both forgotten</i> <span class="smallcaps">Lady Marden</span>. <span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> <i>has never taken +her eyes off him as he makes his last attempt to convince himself</i>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> (<i>almost tenderly</i>). So very, very well, George. Oh, I +understand just what you are feeling. And oh, I do so wish that you +could–(<i>with a little sigh</i>)–but then it wouldn't be George, not +the George I married–(<i>with a rueful little laugh</i>)–or didn't +quite marry.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Lady Marden</span>. I must say, I think you are both talking a little wildly.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> (<i>repeating it, oh, so tenderly</i>). Or didn't–quite–marry.</p> + +<p>(<i>She looks at him with all her heart in her eyes. She is giving him +his last chance to say "Damn Telworthy; you're mine!" He rises and +crosses to</i> R. <i>He struggles desperately with himself, turns +to</i> <span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. Olivia! Olivia! My darling!</p> + +<p>(<i>She rises. He crosses to her and takes her in his arms</i>.)</p> + +<p>(<span class="smallcaps">Anne</span> <i>enters from double doors</i> R.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Anne</span>. Mr. Pim is here, sir.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> (<i>prompting him</i>). Mr. Pim, dear.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>emerging from the struggle with an effort</i>). Pim? Pim? +Oh, ah, yes, of course. (<i>Crossing up to</i> <span class="smallcaps">Anne</span>.) Mr. Pim. +(<i>Looking up</i>.) Where have you put him?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. I want to see Mr. Pim, too, George.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Lady Marden</span> (<i>coming down</i> C. <i>to</i> R. <i>of table</i> L.C.). +Who on earth is Mr. Pim?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Show him in here, Anne. (<span class="smallcaps">George</span> <i>comes back to</i> C.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Anne</span>. Yes, madam.</p> + +<p>(<i>She goes out double doors</i> R.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. It was Mr. Pim who told us about my husband. He came across +with him in the boat, and recognized him as the Telworthy he knew in +Australia.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Lady Marden</span>. Oh! Shall I be in the way? (<i>Moving down to</i> R.C.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. No, no. It doesn't matter, does it, Olivia?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Please stay.</p> + +<p>(<span class="smallcaps">Lady Marden</span> <i>sits</i> R. <i>settee</i>.)</p> + +<p>(<span class="smallcaps">Anne</span> <i>enters at double doors followed by</i> <span class="smallcaps">Mr. Pim</span>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Anne</span>. Mr. Pim.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>pulling himself together</i>). Ah, Mr. Pim! Very good of you +to have come.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span>. Oh, not at all!</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. The fact is–er–(<i>It is too much for him; he looks +despairingly at</i> <span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. We're so sorry to trouble you, Mr. Pim. By the way, do you know +Lady Marden?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span> (<i>centre</i>). No, I haven't the honour.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>introducing</i>). My Aunt! Mr. Pim.</p> + +<p>(<span class="smallcaps">Mr. Pim</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smallcaps">Lady Marden</span> <i>bow to each other</i>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Do come and sit down, won't you? (<i>Pim is moving to</i> L., +<i>turns and bumps into</i> <span class="smallcaps">George</span>, <i>who is following him. She makes +room for him on the sofa next to her</i>.) The fact is, Mr. Pim, you +gave us rather a surprise this morning, and before we had time to +realize what it all meant, you had gone.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span>. A surprise, Mrs. Marden? Dear me, not an unpleasant one, I hope?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Well, rather a–surprising one. (<span class="smallcaps">Lady Marden</span> <i>coughs</i>.)</p> + +<p>(<i>Pim sits to</i> R. <i>of</i> <span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>, <i>who takes his hat and +places it to her</i> L.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>turns to</i> <span class="smallcaps">Lady Marden</span>). Olivia, allow me a moment. Mr. +Pim, you mentioned a man called Telworthy this morning. My wife used to +(<span class="smallcaps">Lady Marden</span> <i>gives a pronounced cough</i>)–that is to say, I used +to–that is, there are reasons–</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. I think we had better be perfectly frank, George.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Lady Marden</span> (<i>aggressively</i>). I am sixty-five years of age, Mr. +Pim, and I can say that I've never had a moment's uneasiness by +(<i>beating her knee with her hand, stick in left hand</i>) telling the +truth.</p> + +<p>(<span class="smallcaps">Pim</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smallcaps">Lady Marden</span> <i>fix each other with a look</i>. <span class="smallcaps">Pim</span> +<i>then looks at</i> <span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smallcaps">George</span> <i>and leans back on +settee</i>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span> (<i>after a desperate effort to keep up with the conversation</i>). +Oh!... I–er–I'm afraid I am rather at sea. Have I–er–left anything +unsaid in presenting my credentials to you this morning?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> Oh, no!</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span>. This Telworthy whom you mention–I seem to remember the name–</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Mr. Pim, you told us this morning of a man whom you had met on +the boat, a man who had come down in the world, whom you had known in +Sydney. A man called Telworthy.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span> (<i>relieved</i>). Ah, yes, yes, of course. (<i>To</i> <span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>.) I +did say Telworthy, didn't I? Most curious coincidence, Lady Marden. +Poor man, poor man! Let me see, it must have been ten years ago–</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. Just a moment, Mr. Pim. You're quite sure that his name was +Telworthy?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span> (<i>to</i> <span class="smallcaps">George</span>). Telworthy–Telworthy–didn't I say Telworthy? +Yes, that was it–Telworthy. Poor fellow!</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. I'm going to be perfectly frank with you, Mr. Pim. I feel quite +sure that I can trust you.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span>. Oh, Mrs. Marden!</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. This man Telworthy whom you met is my husband.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span>. Your husband! (<i>He looks in mild surprise at</i> <span class="smallcaps">George</span>.) Your–er——</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. My first husband. His death was announced six years ago. I had +left him some years before that, but there seems no doubt from your +story that he's still alive. His record–the country he comes from–above all, the very unusual name–Telworthy.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span>. Telworthy–yes–certainly a most peculiar name. I remember saying +so. Your first husband? Dear me! Dear me!</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. You understand, Mr. Pim, that all this is in absolute +confidence.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span> (<i>turning to</i> <span class="smallcaps">George</span>). Of course, of course.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> (<i>pulling his arm, trying to attract his attention</i>). Well, +since he is my husband, we naturally want to know something about him. +Where is he now, for instance?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span> (<i>surprised and turning to</i> <span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>). Where is he now? But +surely I told you? I told you what happened at Marseilles?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. At Marseilles?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span> (<i>to</i> <span class="smallcaps">George</span>). Yes, yes, poor fellow, it was most unfortunate. +(<i>To</i> <span class="smallcaps">Lady Marden</span>. <span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> <i>again pulls his arm, trying to +attract his attention</i>.) You must understand, Lady Marden, that +although I had met the poor fellow before in Australia, I was never in +any way intimate——</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>thumping the desk</i>). Where is he <i>now</i>, that's what +we want to know?</p> + +<p>(<span class="smallcaps">Mr. Pim</span> <i>turns to him with a start</i>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Please, Mr. Pim!</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span> (<i>to</i> <span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>). Where is he now? But–but didn't I tell you of +the curious fatality at Marseilles–poor fellow–the fish-bone?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">All</span>. Fish-bone?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span>. Yes, yes, a herring, I understand.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> (<i>becoming hysterical</i>). Do you mean he's dead?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span>. Dead–of course he's dead. He's been dead——</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> (<i>laughing hysterically</i>). Oh, Mr. Pim, you–oh, what a +husband to have–oh, I——(<i>But that is all she can say for the +moment</i>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Lady Marden</span>. Pull yourself together, Olivia. (<i>To</i> <span class="smallcaps">Pim</span>.) So he +really is dead this time?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span>. Oh, undoubtedly, undoubtedly. A fish-bone lodged in his throat.</p> + +<p>(<span class="smallcaps">Lady Marden</span> <i>retreats to settee</i> R. <i>again</i>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>moving up</i> C. <i>to</i> L. <i>window, trying to realize +it</i>). Dead! Dead!</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span> (<i>rising and turning to</i> <span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>, <i>alarmed at her +hysteria</i>). Oh, but, Mrs. Marden!</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. I think you must excuse me, Mr. Pim. (<i>Crossing to</i> C.) +But a herring! There's something about a herring——</p> + +<p>(<span class="smallcaps">George</span> <i>comes quickly to her, very concerned</i>.)</p> + +<p>(<span class="smallcaps">Pim</span> <i>is also very concerned</i>.)</p> + +<p>(<i>Turning to</i> <span class="smallcaps">George</span>.) Oh, George! (<i>Shaking her head in a weak +state of laughter, turns to</i> R. <i>and is about to hurry out of the +room towards staircase</i> R.)</p> + +<p align="center" class="smallcaps"><b>Quick Curtain.</b></p> + +<h1>Act III</h1> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Scene</span>.–<i>The same and furniture exactly as in</i> Act II.</p> + +<p>(<span class="smallcaps">Mr. Pim</span> <i>is below settee</i> L. <i>standing in same position as at +the end of Act II.</i> <span class="smallcaps">George Marden</span> <i>is in centre of stage and</i> +<span class="smallcaps">Lady Marden</span> <i>is at foot of staircase. Their altitude is the same as +at the end of Act II, and all are concerned about</i> <span class="smallcaps">Olivia's</span> +<i>hysteria</i>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. Dead! Dead!</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span>. Oh dear! Oh dear! I'm afraid I broke the news rather hastily. The +double shock of losing one husband and being restored to another–</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Lady Marden</span> (<i>coming to</i> <span class="smallcaps">George</span>). A dispensation of Providence, +George. One can regard it in no other light. (<i>Moves to</i> R. <i>of +writing-table</i>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>coming to</i> <span class="smallcaps">Pim</span>). Yes! Yes! Well, I'm much obliged to you, +Mr. Pim, for having come down to us this afternoon, and you understand +that your news, though tardy, has been very welcome. <i>De Mortuis</i>, +and so forth.</p> + +<p>(<span class="smallcaps">Lady Marden</span> <i>crosses at back of writing-table to</i> L.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span> (<i>sadly repeating</i>). <i>De Mortuis–</i></p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>shaking hands–anxious to get rid of him</i>). Well, good-bye, and again our thanks.</p> + +<p>(<i>Crosses below and to</i> L. <i>of</i> <span class="smallcaps">Pim</span> <i>and rings bell below +fireplace</i>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span> (<i>crossing to centre</i>). Not at all. I shouldn't have broken +the news so hastily. (<i>Catches sight of</i> <span class="smallcaps">Lady Marden</span> <i>up</i> L., +<i>and with a profound bow</i>.) Good-bye, Lady Marden.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Lady Marden</span> (<i>equally profound</i>). Good-bye, Mr. Pim.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span>. I'm afraid I broke the news too hastily. (<i>Goes to table</i> +B.C. <i>and takes up</i> <span class="smallcaps">George's</span> <i>cap in mistake for his hat and is +moving towards double-doors when</i> <span class="smallcaps">George</span>, <i>noting this, picks +up</i> <span class="smallcaps">Pim's</span> <i>hat from</i> L. <i>of stage where it has been left from +previous</i> Act, <i>and crosses with it to</i> <span class="smallcaps">Pim</span>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. Mr. Pim, excuse me, but I think this is yours.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span> (<i>he takes it and looks at it closely, comparing it with the +cap</i>). This isn't my hat at all. (<i>Puts</i> <span class="smallcaps">George's</span> <i>cap down +on table again</i>.)</p> + +<p>No, that isn't my hat. (<i>Takes his own hat from</i> <span class="smallcaps">George</span>.) This is +my hat. Good-bye! (<i>Shakes hands</i>.) Thank you so much. (<i>Looking +at cap on table</i>.) Oh, no! Oh, no! (<i>Moves nearer to door</i> R.) +Telworthy... I <i>think</i> that was the name.</p> + +<p>(<i>Exit doors</i> R.)</p> + +<p>(<span class="smallcaps">Lady Marden</span>, <i>annoyed at</i> <span class="smallcaps">Pim's</span> <i>stupidity, comes down to</i> +L. <i>of</i> <span class="smallcaps">George</span>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>turning to</i> <span class="smallcaps">Lady Marden</span> <i>and with a sigh of +thankfulness</i>). Well, this is wonderful news, Aunt Julia.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Lady Marden</span>. Most providential. Well, I must be getting along now, +George. Say good-bye to Olivia for me.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>crossing towards double-doors as if to open them</i>). Good-bye, Aunt Julia.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Lady Marden</span>. No! No! I'll go this way–(<i>going up to</i> L. <i>of +writing-table</i>)–and get Olivia out more, George. I don't like these +hysterics. (<i>Banging writing-table</i>.) You want to be firmer with +her.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. Yes! Yes! Good-bye.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Lady Marden</span> (<i>going off up</i> L.). Good-bye.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>back again down centre and with great thankfulness</i>). +Dead! Dead! (<i>Moves down to below settee</i> L.)</p> + +<p>(<span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> <i>enters from staircase, watching him and coming quietly +to</i> C.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>approaching her enthusiastically</i>). Olivia! Olivia! +(<i>Is about to embrace her, but she restrains him</i>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> (<i>drawing herself up</i>). Mrs. Telworthy!</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>taken aback</i>). What? Olivia! I–I don't understand.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Well, darling, if my husband only died at Marseilles a few days +ago——</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>scratching his head</i>). Yes, I see–I see. Well, we can +soon put that right. (<i>Moving to</i> L.) A registry office in London. +Better go up this afternoon. We can't do these things too quickly–we +can stay at an hotel.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> (<i>pointedly</i>). You and Mrs. Telworthy! (<i>Moves slowly +round back of settee</i> L.)</p> + +<p>(<span class="smallcaps">George</span> <i>moves to centre</i>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>nonplussed</i>). Oh–er–yes–yes–perhaps I'd better stay +at my Club–yes! It will be a bit awkward at first. (<i>With a sigh of +relief</i>.) However, nobody need know, and how much better than what +we feared!</p> + +<p>(<span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> <i>comes down to below settee</i> L.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>advancing to embrace her</i>). Olivia! Olivia!</p> + +<p>(<i>She repulses him and he crosses to her</i> L.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Mrs. Telworthy!</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. Yes–yes, I know, but why do you keep on saying it? What's the +matter with you? You're so strange to-day. You're not like the Olivia I +know.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> (<i>sits on settee to</i> R.). Perhaps you don't know me so very +well, after all.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>sitting–affectionately to her</i> L.). Oh, that's nonsense–old girl. You're just my Olivia. Now we can get married again quietly +and nobody will be any the worse.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Married again! Oh, I see, you want me to marry you at a +registry office to-morrow?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. If we can arrange it by then. (<i>Rising and crossing below</i> +<span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> <i>to centre</i>.) I don't know how long these things take, but +I should imagine there would be no difficulty.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Oh, no, I think that part of it ought to be quite <i>easy</i>. +But–(<i>She hesitates</i>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. But what?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Well, if you want to marry me to-morrow, George, oughtn't you +to propose to me first?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>amazed</i>). Propose?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Yes. It is usual, isn't it, to propose to a person before you +marry her? And–and we want to do the usual thing, don't we?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>upset</i>). But you–I mean we–</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. You are George Marden, I am Olivia Telworthy, you are attracted +by me and think I would make you a good wife, and you want to marry me–very well, then, naturally you propose to me first.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>falling into the humour of it, as he thinks, and with a +hearty laugh moves to below stool</i> L.C.). The baby! Did she want to +be proposed to all over again?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> (<i>coyly</i>). Well, she did rather.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>rather fancying himself as an actor, he adopts what he +considers to be an appropriate attitude</i>). She shall then. Er–ah, +Mrs. Telworthy, I have long admired you in silence, and the time has +now come to put my admiration into words (<i>but apparently he finds a +difficulty</i>)–er–er–</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> (<i>looking up at him quizzically and prompting him into words; +repeating</i>). I–I–(<i>Looking down coyly</i>.) Oh, Mr. Marden!</p> + +<p>(<span class="smallcaps">George</span> <i>roars with laughter and crosses to centre</i>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>returning to her</i>). Olivia–er–may I call you Olivia?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Yes, George.</p> + +<p>(<span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> <i>puts out her hand and</i> <span class="smallcaps">George</span> <i>notices it</i>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. I beg your pardon! Oh, I see. (<i>Taking her hand in his he +gives it a good slap and she winces</i>.) Olivia, I–(<i>Hesitates</i>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. I don't want to interrupt, but oughtn't you to be on your +knees? It is–usual, I believe.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. Really, Olivia, you must allow me to manage my own proposal in +my own way.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> (<i>meekly–and resuming her coyness</i>). I'm sorry. Do go on.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. Well–er–confound it, Olivia, I love you. Will you marry me?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Thank you, George, I will think it over.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>laughing</i>). Silly girl. (<i>Pats her on the shoulder and +crosses to</i> R.) Well, then, to-morrow morning. No wedding cake, I'm +afraid, Olivia. (<i>He laughs again and moves up centre</i>.) But we'll +go and have a good lunch somewhere.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. I will think it over, George.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>good-humouredly and coming down to back of settee to her</i> +R.). Well, give me a kiss while you're thinking.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. I'm afraid you mustn't kiss me until we are actually engaged.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>laughing uneasily, and sitting and leaning over on table</i> +L.C. <i>towards</i> <span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>). Oh, we needn't take it as seriously as all +that.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. But a woman must take a proposal seriously.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>a little alarmed at last</i>). What do you mean?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Well, what I mean is that the whole question–(<i>with a sly +look at</i> <span class="smallcaps">George</span>)–as I heard somebody say once, demands much more +anxious thought than either of us has given it. These hasty marriages——</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>rising and crossing at back of</i> <span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> <i>round settee +and to</i> L. <i>of</i> <span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>). Hasty!</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Well, you've only just proposed to me, and you want me to marry +you to-morrow.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. Now you're talking perfect nonsense, Olivia. You know quite +well that our case is utterly different from–well–from any other.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. All the same, one must ask oneself questions. With a young girl +like–well, with a young girl–love may well seem to be all that +matters. But with a woman of my age it is different. I have to ask +myself whether you can afford to support a wife.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. You know perfectly well that I can afford to support a wife as +my wife should be supported.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Oh, I am glad. Then your income–you are not really worried +about that at all?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>stiffly</i>). You know perfectly well what my income is. I +see no reason for anxiety, in the future.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Ah, very well, then we needn't think about it any more.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. You know I can't make out what you're up to. (<i>Sits to +her</i> L. <i>on settee</i>.) Don't you want to get married–to–er–legalize this extraordinary situation in which we are placed?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. I must consider the whole question very carefully. I can't just +jump at the very first offer I have had since my husband died. +(<i>Rising and crossing to centre</i>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. Oh, so I'm under consideration, eh?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> (<i>moving up</i> R.C.). Every suitor is.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. Oh, very well, go on! Go on!</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Well then, there's your niece. You have a niece living with +you. Of course Dinah is a delightful girl, but one doesn't like +marrying into a household where there's another grown-up woman. But +perhaps she will be getting married herself soon.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. I see no prospect of it.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. It would make it so much easier, George, if she did.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>rising</i>). Is this a threat, Olivia? (<i>Crossing up +to</i> <span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>.) Are you telling me that if I do not allow young Strange +to marry Dinah, you will not marry me?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. A threat? Oh, no, George. But I was just wondering if you love +me as much as Brian loves Dinah. You do love me?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>from his heart</i>). Of course I do, old girl.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. You're sure it's not just my pretty face that attracts you. +Love which is based upon mere outward appearances cannot result in +lasting happiness–as one of our thinkers has observed. (<i>Moving down +to settee</i> R.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. Why should you doubt my love? You can't pretend that we haven't +been happy together. (<span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> <i>sits on settee</i> R.) I've–(<i>taking +a chair from</i> L. <i>of table</i> R.C. <i>brings it down to</i> L. +<i>of</i> <span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>) I've been a good pal to you, eh? We–we suit each +other, old girl.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Do we?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>sitting</i>). Well, of course we do.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. I wonder. When two people of our age think of getting married, +one wants to be quite sure that there is real community of ideas +between them. Supposing that after we have been married some years we +found ourselves getting estranged from each other upon such questions +as Dinah's future, or the comparatively trivial matter like the right +colour for a curtain, or the advice to be given to a friend who had +innocently contracted a bigamous marriage. Think how bitterly we should +regret our hasty plunge into a matrimony which was no true partnership, +whether of tastes or ideas or even of consciences. (<i>With a +sigh</i>.) Ah me!</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>turning to her quickly</i>). Unfortunately for your +argument, Olivia, I can answer you out of your own mouth. You seem to +have–(<i>laughing</i>)–forgotten what you said this morning in the +case of–er–young Strange.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> (<i>with exaggerated reproach</i>). Oh, but is it quite fair, +George, to drag up <i>what was said this morning</i>?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>enjoying his apparent success</i>). Ha ha! You've brought it +on yourself.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. I?... Well, and what did I say this morning?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. You said that it was quite enough that Strange was a gentleman +and in love with Dinah for me to let them marry each other.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Oh! But is that enough, George?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>triumphantly</i>). Well, you said so.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> (<i>meekly</i>). Well, George, if you think so too, I'm quite +willing to risk it.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>kindly, rising and putting back chair up</i> R.C.). Ha ha, +my dear! You see!</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Then you <i>do</i> think it's enough?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. I–er–yes, yes, I–I think so.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> (<i>rising and going to him and putting her hands on his +shoulders</i>). My darling one! How jolly! Then we can have a double +wedding.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>astonished</i>). A double one!</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Yes, you and me, Brian and Dinah.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>firmly, and taking her hands from his shoulders</i>). Now +look here, Olivia, understand once and for all, I am not to be +blackmailed into giving my consent to Dinah's engagement. Neither +blackmailed nor tricked. (<i>Crossing to</i> L. <i>below settee</i>.) +Our marriage has nothing whatever to do with Dinah's.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. No, dear, I quite understand. They may take place about the +same time, but they have nothing whatever to do with each other.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>sits on foot of table</i> L.C.). I see no prospect of +Dinah's marriage taking place for many years.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. No, dear, that was what I said.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>not understanding for the moment</i>). You said——? I see. +(<i>Turning and facing her</i>.) Now look here, Olivia, let us have +this perfectly clear. You apparently insist on treating my–er–proposal as serious.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> (<i>mock surprise</i>). But isn't it? Have you been trifling +with me?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. You know perfectly well what I mean. You treat it as an +ordinary proposal for a man to a woman who have never been anything to +each other before. Very well then, will you kindly tell me what you +propose to do if you decide to–ah–accept me? You do not suggest that +we should go on living together–unmarried?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> (<i>shocked</i>). Of course not, George!! What would–(<i>pausing for additional explanation</i>)–the County–I mean Heaven–I mean the Law–I mean–of course not. Besides, it's so unnecessary. +If I decide to accept you, of <i>course</i> I shall marry you.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. Quite so. And if you–ah–decide to refuse me, what will you +do?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Nothing.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. Meaning by that?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Just that, George. I shall stay here–just as before.</p> + +<p>(<span class="smallcaps">George</span> <i>rises and approaches her, about to expostulate</i>.)</p> + +<p>I like this house. (<i>Crossing below</i> <span class="smallcaps">George</span>, <i>looking about the +room to below settee</i> L.) It wants a little redecorating, but I do +like it, George... Yes, I shall be perfectly happy here! (<i>Sits on +settee</i>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. I see. You will continue to live down here–in spite of what +you said just now about the–the immorality of it.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> (<i>surprised</i>). But what is there immoral in a widow living +alone in a big country house–with perhaps the niece of a dear friend +of hers–staying with her to keep her company.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>sarcastic</i>). Oh, and pray what shall I be doing when +you've so very kindly taken possession of my house for me?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. You! Oh, I can't <i>think</i>! Travelling, I expect.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>indignant and advancing to her</i>). Thank you! And suppose +I refuse to be turned out of my own house?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Then, seeing that we can't both be in it, it looks as though +you'd have to turn me out. (<i>To herself</i>.) There must be legal +ways of doing these things. You'd have to consult your solicitor again.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. Legal ways?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Well, you couldn't just throw me out, could you? You'd have to +get an injunction against me–</p> + +<p>(<span class="smallcaps">George</span>, <i>very annoyed, turns away</i>.)</p> + +<p>–or prosecute me for trespass–or something. Of course I shouldn't go +if I could help it, I like the house so much.... It would make an +awfully unusual case, wouldn't it? The papers would be full of it.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. The papers!</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> (<i>calling as paper boy</i>). Extra special! Widow of well-known ex-convict takes possession of J.P.'s house! Special! Special!</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>angrily</i>). I've had enough of this. (<i>Coming to +table</i> L.C. <i>and speaking across</i>.) Do you mean all this +nonsense?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Well, what I <i>do</i> mean <i>is</i>, that I am in no hurry to +go up to London and get married. I love the country just now, and–(<i>with a sigh</i>)–after this morning, I'm–rather tired of +husbands.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>in a rage</i>). I've never heard so much–damned (<i>bangs +table</i>) ... nonsense in my life. <i>I will leave you to come back to +your senses.</i></p> + +<p>(<i>He goes out, up staircase up</i> R.)</p> + +<p>(<span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> <i>rises and crosses to centre, watching</i> <span class="smallcaps">George</span> <i>off. She +kisses her hands to him, then turning to</i> L. <i>sees curtains and +work-box and extending her arms in ecstasy goes to cabinet, takes them +up and comes down</i> L. <span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> <i>sits on settee with curtains in her +lap and places the work-box to her</i> L. <i>on settee, and as she does +so</i> <span class="smallcaps">Mr. Pim</span> <i>enters from up</i> R. <i>through windows and coming +to</i> R. <i>of writing-table taps it with his umbrella to attract</i> +<span class="smallcaps">Olivia's</span> <i>attention. She turns and sees him. He looks nervously round +at staircase</i> R. <i>fearing the return of</i> <span class="smallcaps">George</span>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span> (<i>in a whisper</i>). Er–may I come in, Mrs. Marden?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> (<i>in surprise</i>). Mr. Pim!</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span> (<i>anxiously and again looking round at staircase</i>). Mr. Marden +is–er–not here?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> (<i>getting up</i>). No! Do you want to see him? I will——</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span> (<i>another look round at staircase and moving down centre</i>). +No, no, no! Not for the world. There is no immediate danger of his +returning, Mrs. Marden?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> (<i>surprised</i>). No, I don't think so, Mr. Pim. (<i>Puts down +curtains</i>). But... what is it? You——</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span>. I took the liberty of returning by the window in the hope of +finding you alone.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> (<i>sitting again</i>). Yes?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span> (<i>still rather nervous and throwing up his arms in distress</i>). +Mr. Marden will be so angry with me, and very rightly. Oh, I blame +myself. I blame myself entirely. I don't know how I can have been so +stupid. (<i>Sits on stool</i> L.C. <i>very concerned</i>).</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. What is it, Mr. Pim? My first husband hasn't come to life +again, has he?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span>. No! No! No! (<i>Looking round to</i> R. <i>and speaking very +mysteriously across table</i> L.C.) The fact is–his name was +Pelwittle.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> (<i>at a loss</i>). Whose? My husband's?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span>. Yes, yes. Henry Pelwittle, poor fellow.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. But <i>my</i> husband's name was Telworthy.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span>. No! Oh dear, no! Pelwittle. (<i>Firmly</i>.) It came back to me +suddenly just as I reached the gate–Henry Pelwittle, poor fellow.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. But really, Mr. Pim, I ought to know.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span>. No! No! Pelwittle.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. But who is Pelwittle?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span> (<i>in surprise at her stupidity</i>). The man I told you about, +who met with the sad fatality at Marseilles. Henry Pelwittle.... +(<i>With hand on chin, thinking deeply</i>.) Or was it <i>Ernest</i>? +No! <i>Henry</i> Pelwittle, poor fellow.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> (<i>indignantly</i>). But, Mr. Pim, you said his name was +Telworthy. How could you?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span>. Oh, I blame myself, I blame myself entirely.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. But how could you <i>think</i> of a name like Telworthy if it +wasn't Telworthy?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span> (<i>eagerly</i>). Ah, ah, that is the really interesting thing +about the whole matter.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> (<i>reproachfully</i>). Yes, Mr. Pim, all your visits here to-day have been very interesting.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span>. Oh, very interesting, very interesting, You see, Mrs. Marden, when +I made my first appearance here this morning I was received by–Miss +Diana, who——</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Dinah!</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span>. I beg your pardon?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Dinah. Her name is Dinah!</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span> (<i>pauses</i>). You're quite right. Dinah–oh yes. Miss Dinah, +yes. She was in–er–rather a communicative mood, and I suppose by way +of passing the time she mentioned that before your marriage–to Mr. +Marden you had been a Mrs.–er——</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Telworthy.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span>. Telworthy, yes, of course. She also mentioned Australia. Now by +some curious process of the brain–which strikes me as decidedly +curious–when I was trying to recollect–the name of the poor fellow on +the boat, whom you will remember I had also met in Australia, the fact +that this other name was also stored in my memory, a name equally +peculiar–this fact I say——</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> (<i>seeing that the sentence is rapidly going to pieces</i>). +Yes, I quite understand.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span>. I blame myself, I blame myself entirely.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Oh, you mustn't do that, Mr. Pim.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span>. Oh, but, Mrs. Marden, can you forgive me for the needless distress +I have caused you to-day?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Oh, you mustn't worry about that, please.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span>. And you will tell your husband–you'll break the news to him?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> (<i>amazed</i>). Oh, yes! I'll break the <i>news</i> to him.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span> (<i>rising and holding out his hand</i>). Well then, I think before +he comes back I will say good-bye and–er——</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> (<i>rising</i>). Just a moment, Mr. Pim. Let us have it quite +clear this time. You never knew my husband Jacob Telworthy?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span>. No!</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. You never met him in Australia?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span>. No!</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. You never saw him on the boat?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span>. No!</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. And nothing <i>whatever happened to him at Marseilles?</i></p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span>. No!</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Is that right?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span> (<i>hesitating and thinking it out very deeply</i>). I think so.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Very well, then, since his death was announced in Australia six +years ago, he is presumably still dead?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span>. Undoubtedly.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> (<i>holding out her hand with a charming smile</i>). Then good-bye, Mr. Pim, and thank you so much for–for all your trouble.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span> Not at all, Mrs. Marden. I blame myself, I blame myself entirely.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> Oh! You mustn't do that.</p> + +<p>(<i>Going up centre</i> <span class="smallcaps">Pim</span> <i>meets</i> <span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span>, <i>who enters from the window +up L., crosses at back of writing-table and comes down R. of him</i>).</p> + +<p>(<span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> is followed by <span class="smallcaps">Brian</span>, who is on her R.).</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> Hullo, there's Mr. Pim. (<i>To</i> BRIAN.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span> (<i>nervously looking at the door in case</i> MR. MARDEN <i>should +come in</i>). Yes, yes I—er—</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> Oh, Mr. Pim, you mustn't run away without even saying +how-do-you-do! Are you staying to tea?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span> (<i>looking off at staircase nervously</i>). I'm afraid I—</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> Mr. Pim has to hurry away, Dinah. You mustn't keep him.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> Well, but you'll come back again?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span> I fear that I am only a passer-by, Miss—er—Dinah.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> You can take Mr. Pim as far as the gate.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span> (<i>gratefully to</i> <span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>). Thank you. (<i>With nervous look +at staircase R., he edges towards the windows.</i>) If you would +be so kind, Miss Dinah—.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> (<i>taking his arm</i>). Come along then, Mr. Pim.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span> I'll catch you up.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> (<i>taking him up L.</i>). I want to hear all about your first wife.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span> Oh, but I haven't got a first wife.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah.</span> You haven't really told me anything yet.</p> + +<p>(<i>They go off up L.</i>)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span> I'll catch you up.</p> + +<p>(<span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> <i>resumes her work, and</i> <span class="smallcaps">Brian</span> <i>crosses down to foot of +table L.C., and sits on it.</i>)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span> (<i>awkwardly</i>). I just wanted to say, if you don't think it cheek, +that I'm—I'm on your side, if I may be and if I can help you at all, +I shall be very proud of being allowed to.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> (<i>looking up at him and taking his hand</i>). Brian, you dear, +that's sweet of you. But it's quite all right now, you know.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span> What?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia.</span> Yes, that's what Mr. Pim came back to say. He'd made a +mistake about the name—</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span> (<i>rising</i>). Good Lord!</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> (<i>smiling</i>). George is the only husband I have.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span> (<i>surprised</i>). What? You mean that the whole thing that Pim— + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> (<i>repeating</i>). The whole thing.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span> (<i>crossing up to window R. and shouting off to L. and +with conviction</i>). Silly ass!</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> (<i>kindly</i>). Oh, no, no, I'm sure he didn't mean to be. +(<i>After a pause</i>.) Brian, do you know anything about the law?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span> (<i>coming down</i> C.). The law? I'm afraid not. I hate the law. +Why? (<i>Sits at foot of table</i> L.C.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Well, I was just wondering. Suppose that George and I had +accidentally married each other a second time thinking that the first +marriage wasn't quite right, and then we found the first marriage was +all right–well——</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span>. What on earth do you mean?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Well, what I mean is that there's nothing wrong in marrying the +same person twice?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span> (<i>rising and moving to centre, thinking it out</i>). Oh, no. A +hundred times if you like, I should think.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Oh!</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span>. After all, in France they always go through it twice, don't +they? Once before the Mayor or somebody, and once in church.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Of course they do! How silly of me. You know, that's a very +good idea. They ought to do that more in England.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span>. Well, once will be enough for Dinah and me, if you can work it. +(<i>Anxiously</i>.) D'you think there's any chance, Olivia?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> (<i>smiling</i>). Every chance, dear.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span> (<i>coming to above table</i> L.C.). I say, do you really? Have +you squared him? I mean has he——</p> + +<p>(<span class="smallcaps">George</span> <i>is heard humming the tune of "Pop goes the weasel" off</i> +R.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. You go and catch them up now. We'll talk about it later on.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span>. Bless you. Right-o!</p> + +<p>(<i>Going up</i> L. <i>and off up</i> L.)</p> + +<p>(<i>As he goes out by the windows,</i> <span class="smallcaps">George</span> <i>comes in at the +doors</i> R. <span class="smallcaps">George</span> <i>stands</i> R.C., <i>and then turns to</i> +<span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>, <i>who is absorbed in her curtain. He walks up and down the +room, fidgeting with things, waiting for her to speak. As she says +nothing, he begins to talk himself, but in an obviously unconcerned +way. There is a pause after each answer of hers, before he gets out his +next remark</i>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>casually</i>). Good-looking fellow, Strange. What?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> (<i>equally casually</i>). Brian, yes, isn't he? And such a nice +boy.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. Yes, yes! (<i>Catching sight of curtain she is sewing. Hums the +tune of "Pop goes the weasel"–crossing down</i> R. <i>to piano, plays +a few notes of "Pop goes the weasel" with one finger</i>.) Got fifty +pounds for a picture the other day, didn't he? (<i>Moving up stage a +little</i>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Ah, yes! Of course he has only just begun——</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. The critics think well of him, (<i>Slight pause</i>.) What?</p> + +<p>(<i>Up C. by chair front of writing-table</i>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. They all say he has genius. Oh, I don't think there's any doubt +about it. (<i>Pause</i>.)</p> + +<p>(<span class="smallcaps">George</span> <i>left of writing-table</i>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. No, no! (<i>Slight pause, and he sings again</i>.) Of course I +don't profess to know anything about painting, myself.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. You've never had time to take it up, dear.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>coming down</i> L. <i>a little</i>.) No! No! Of course I know what +I like. Can't say I see much in this new-fangled stuff. If a man can +paint, why can't he paint like–like Rubens, or–or Reynolds, or——</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. I suppose we all have our own styles. Brian will be finding +his, directly. Of course, he's only just beginning. (<i>Pause</i>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>crossing up centre</i>). Yes, yes. But the critics think a +lot of him, what?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Oh, yes.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. Yes! H'm! (<i>Pause</i>.) Good-looking fellow.</p> + +<p>(<i>There is rather a longer silence this time.</i> <span class="smallcaps">George</span> <i>coming +round back of settee L. continues to hope that he is appearing casual +and unconcerned–he stands looking at</i> <span class="smallcaps">Olivia's</span> <i>work for a +moment</i>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>down</i> L.). Nearly finished 'em?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Very nearly. (<i>Smiling to herself, turns away to R., +pretending to look for scissors</i>.) Have you seen my scissors +anywhere?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>looking round</i>). Scissors?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> (<i>turns to</i> L. <i>and finds them in her work-box</i>). It's +all right, here they are——</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>down</i> L. <i>below chair facing</i> <span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>). Where are you +thinking of hanging 'em?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> (<i>as if really wondering</i>). I don't quite know.... I +<i>had</i> thought of this room, but–I'm not quite sure.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>crossing below</i> <span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> <i>to centre</i>). Ah! Yes! +Brighten the room up a bit.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Yes.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>walking up centre a little towards windows</i>). H'm, yes——They are a bit faded.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> (<i>shaking out hers, and looking at them critically</i>). You +know, sometimes I think I love them, and sometimes I'm not quite sure.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. Best way is to hang 'em up and see how you like 'em. Always +take 'em down again.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Oh, that's a good idea, George.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. Best way.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Yes.... I think we might try that–(<i>looking round at settee +and carpets, etc</i>.)–the only thing is–(<i>She hesitates</i>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. What?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Well, the carpets and the chair-covers and the cushions and +things–</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. Well, what about 'em?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Well, if we had new curtains–</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. You'd want a new carpet, eh?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> (<i>doubtfully</i>). Well, <i>new chair-covers, anyhow.</i></p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. H'm!... Well, why not?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Oh, but–</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>with an awkward laugh</i>). We're not so hard up as all +that, you know.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> (<i>quickly</i>). No, I don't suppose we are really–</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. No, no, no, yes–I mean no.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> (<i>thoughtfully</i>). I suppose it would mean that I should +have to go up to London to choose them. You know, that's rather a +nuisance.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>extremely casual and moving towards</i> <span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>). Oh, I don't +know. We might go up together one day.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Well, of course if we <i>were</i> up–for anything else–</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>moving away dubiously</i>). Yes, yes! That's what I meant.</p> + +<p>(<i>There is another silence</i>. <span class="smallcaps">George</span> <i>is wondering whether to +come to closer quarters with the great question</i>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Oh, by the way, George–</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. Yes?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> (<i>innocently</i>). I told Brian, and of course he'll tell +Dinah, that Mr. Pim had made a mistake about the name.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>astonished, moving towards</i> <span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>). Mistake about the +name?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Yes–I told Brian that the whole thing was a mistake, I thought +that was the simplest way.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. Olivia–(<i>crossing below and to her</i> L.)–then you mean +that Brian and Dinah think that–that we have been married all the +time?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Yes.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>coming closer to her</i>). Olivia, does that mean that you +are thinking of marrying me?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. At your old registry office?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>eagerly</i>). Yes!</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. To-morrow?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. Yes.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Do you want me to very much?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. My darling, you know I do.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. We should have to keep it very quiet, George.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. Well, of course–(<i>sitting to her</i> L.)–nobody need know. +We don't want anybody to know. And now that you've put Brian and Dinah +off the scent, by telling them that–(<i>he breaks off and says +admiringly</i>)–that was very clever of you, Olivia. I should never +have thought of that.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> (<i>innocently</i>). George–you don't think it was +<i>wrong</i>, do you?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>his verdict, taking her hands and patting them</i>). An +innocent deception... perfectly harmless.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Yes, dear, that was what I thought about–about–(<i>laughing +to herself</i>) what I was doing.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. Then you will come up to London to-morrow?</p> + +<p>(<i>She nods</i>.)</p> + +<p>And if we should see a carpet or anything else we want——</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Oh, George!</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>beaming, rising and backing away to</i> L. <i>a little</i>). +And lunch at the Carlton, what?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> (<i>nodding eagerly</i>). Oh!</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. And–and a bit of a honeymoon in Paris?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Oh, what fun!</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>hungrily</i>). Give me a kiss, old girl.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> (<i>lovingly</i>). George!</p> + +<p>(<i>She holds up her cheek to him. He kisses it, and then suddenly +takes her in his arms</i>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. Don't ever leave me, old girl.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> (<i>affectionately</i>). Don't ever send me away, old boy.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>fervently</i>). I won't. (<i>Awkwardly</i>.) I–I don't +think I <i>should have</i> really, you know. I–I——</p> + +<p>(<span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> <i>enters from up</i> L. <i>and crosses at back of writing-table +and round down</i> R. <span class="smallcaps">Brian</span> <i>follows her</i>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> (<i>seeing the embrace, surprised</i>). Oo–I say!</p> + +<p>(<span class="smallcaps">George</span> <i>looks and feels rather a fool</i>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. Hallo!</p> + +<p>(<span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> <i>sits, resumes sewing</i>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> (<i>coming down centre and going below settee</i> L., +<i>impetuously to him</i>). Give me one, too, George. Brian won't mind.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>formally, but enjoying it</i>). Do you mind, Mr. Strange?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span> (<i>a little uncomfortable</i>). Oh, I say, sir——</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. We'll risk it, Dinah. (<i>He kisses her</i>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> (<i>triumphantly to</i> <span class="smallcaps">Brian</span> <i>and standing above</i> <span class="smallcaps">George</span>). +Did you notice that one? That wasn't just an ordinary affectionate +kiss. That was a special "bless you my children" one. (<i>To</i> +<span class="smallcaps">George</span>.) Wasn't it?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. You do talk nonsense, darling.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> (<i>crossing quickly below and to</i> R. <i>of</i> <span class="smallcaps">Brian</span>). Well, +I'm so happy now that Pim has relented about your first husband–(<span class="smallcaps">George</span> <i>catches</i> <span class="smallcaps">Olivia's</span> <i>eye and smiles; she smiles back; but +they are different smiles</i>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>the actor</i>). Yes, yes, stupid fellow, Pim, what?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span>. Yes. Absolute idiot, I think!</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span>. And now that George has relented about–(<i>with a significant +look at</i> <span class="smallcaps">Brian</span>)–<i>my</i> first husband——</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. Here, you get on much too quickly. (<i>Crossing below</i> +<span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> <i>to</i> <span class="smallcaps">Brian</span>.) So you want to marry my Dinah, eh?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span> (<i>with a smile</i>). Well, I do rather, sir.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>to</i> <span class="smallcaps">Brian</span>). Well, you'd better have a talk with me about +it–er–(<i>with a sly look at</i> <span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>)–Brian.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span>. Thank you very much, sir.</p> + +<p>(<span class="smallcaps">George</span> <i>goes up and</i> <span class="smallcaps">Brian</span>, <i>imitating his walk, accompanies +him</i>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. Well, come along then. (<span class="smallcaps">Brian</span> <i>looks at his watch</i>.) I am +going up to town after tea, so we'd better——</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> (<i>moving up to</i> R. <i>of</i> <span class="smallcaps">Brian</span>). I say, are you going to +London?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>with a sly look at</i> <span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>). Yes, a little business.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> (<i>cheekily</i>). Eh?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. Never you mind, young woman. (<i>To</i> <span class="smallcaps">Brian</span>.) Come along, +we'll stroll down and look at the pigs.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span>. Right-o!</p> + +<p>(<i>They are going off to</i> L. <i>when</i> <span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> <i>calls</i>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. George, don't go too far away; I may want you.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. All right! I'll be out on the terrace. Give me a shout if you +want me.</p> + +<p>(<span class="smallcaps">George</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smallcaps">Brian</span> <i>go off at windows up</i> L.)</p> + +<p>(<span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> <i>follows up</i> R. <i>and watches them off</i>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> (<i>watching them off</i>). Brian and George always discuss me in +front of the pigs. So tactless of them. I say, are you going to London, +too, darling? (<i>Coming down to table</i> L.C.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. To-morrow——(<i>Rising and shaking out curtains</i>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span>. What are you going to do in London?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Oh, shopping and–one or two little things.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span>. With George?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Yes. (<i>Crossing up centre below</i> <span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> <i>with +curtains</i>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> (<i>sits on table</i> L.C.). I say, wasn't it lovely about Pim?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Lovely?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span>. Yes, he told me all about it. Making such a hash of things, I +mean.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> (<i>innocently</i>). Did he make a hash of things?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span>. Well, I mean keeping on coming like that. And if you look at it +all round–well, for all he had to say, he needn't have come at all.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Well, I don't think I should put it quite like that, Dinah.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> (<i>referring to curtains</i>). I say, aren't they jolly?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. I'm so glad everybody likes them. Tell George I'm ready, dear.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span>. I say, is <i>he</i> going to put them up for you?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Well, I thought perhaps he could reach better.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span>. All right, I'll tell him. (<i>Crossing up</i> L. <i>on to +terrace and calling off</i>.) George! (<i>Returning to back</i> L. +<i>end of writing-table</i>.) Brian is just telling George about the +five shillings he has in the Post Office–(<i>crossing up</i> L. <i>on +to terrace again and calling off</i>.) George!!</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>from off</i> L.). Coming!</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> (<i>playfully coming down centre, imitating a fairy's +footsteps</i>). Slow music while the curtains go up. (<i>Sits at piano +and plays "As I passed by your Window.")</i></p> + +<p>(<i><span class="smallcaps">George</span> enters from up</i> L., <i>followed by</i> <span class="smallcaps">Brian</span>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>to</i> <span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>). What is it, darling?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. I wish you'd help me to put up these curtains?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. Of course, dear. I'd better get the library steps. (<i>Crosses +to doors R. and exits</i>.)</p> + +<p>(<span class="smallcaps">Brian</span> <i>goes quickly to <span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> and gratefully kisses her hand, then +comes down to <span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> and bows to her</i>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span>. Madam! I have the honour to inform you that hence-forward you +are at liberty to regard me as your affianced husband.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> (<i>rising quickly and advancing</i>). Darling!</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span> (<i>waving her back</i>). No! No! Stay there! (<i>She retreats +and sits at piano</i>.) Go on playing.</p> + +<p>(<span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> <i>goes on playing and he takes out a sketch-book, sits on +settee and sketches her</i>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span>. What is it?</p> + +<p>(<span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> <i>comes down centre, watching them</i>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span>. Portrait of Lady Strange.</p> + +<p>(<i><span class="smallcaps">George</span> enters from doors</i> R. <i>with steps and crossing up R. +places them near</i> R. <i>window</i>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> (<i>she hands him the curtains and goes up L. of writing table +and round back, watching</i> <span class="smallcaps">George</span>). Are you ready, dear?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>mounting the steps</i>). Yes, quite ready.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. There! (<i>The curtains become entangled and he nearly +falls</i>.) Oh, take care, dear!</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>again mounting steps</i>). Oh, that's all right, dear. +They're a little long. (<i>The curtains become entangled round his +head</i>.)</p> + +<p>(<span class="smallcaps">Mr. Pim</span> <i>enters mysteriously from up</i> L.)</p> + +<p>(<span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> <i>is looking up at</i> <span class="smallcaps">George</span>.)</p> + +<p>(<span class="smallcaps">Pim</span> <i>touches her on the shoulder and with a start she turns to +him</i>. <span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> <i>seeing him enter stops playing. <span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>, unwilling to +attract</i> <span class="smallcaps">George's</span> <i>attention, signals to</i> <span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> <i>to continue +playing, and, she does so</i>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span>. Mrs. Marden! I <i>had</i> to come back–I've just remembered his +name was <i>Ernest</i> Polwittle–not <i>Henry</i>! (<i>Going off +up</i> L.) Not Henry!</p> + +<p>(<span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> <i>plays forte</i>.)</p> + +<p align="center" class="smallcaps"><b>Quick Curtain.</b></p> + + + + +<h1>Scene Plot</h1> + + + +<p><i>Oak panelled chamber</i>, with deep decorative frieze.</p> + +<p><i>Ceiling cloth</i>, painted with carved oak beams. </p> + +<p><i>Fireplace</i>.–Large open stone fireplace decorated all over with +flutings and +carved stone. </p> + +<p><i>Doors</i>.–Heavy oak doors down R. to open off. </p> + +<p><i>Windows</i>.–C. windows (French windows) opening on stage from +terrace. </p> + +<p><i>Stairs</i>.–Stairs up back R. with carved balustrade. Transparent +windows stained glass at top of stairway. </p> + +<p><i>Back cloth</i>.–Painted garden and terrace with stone seat C.</p> + + + + +<h1>Property Plot</h1> + + +<h2>Act I</h2> + + +<p><i>Stage cloth down</i>.–Parquette stage cloth with marble pavement +piece attached +at back for terrace. </p> + +<p><i>Persian carpet</i> laid up and down R. </p> + +<p><i>Persian carpet</i> laid up and down L. </p> + +<p><i>Settee</i> set across down L. (Jacobean settee upholstered in +tapestry). </p> + +<p><i>On settee</i> L. Two tapestry cushions. </p> + +<p><i>Occasional Jacobean table</i> to R. of settee down L. </p> + +<p><i>Stool</i>.–Upholstered in rose R. of table. </p> + +<p><i>Semi-grand piano</i>, with keyboard down stage, <i>down</i> R. below +double doors. </p> + +<p><i>On piano</i>.–Dinah's musical instrument.<br> + Silk pink brocade piano cover. <br> + Photo of Olivia in frame. <br> + Photo of George Marden in frame. <br> + Photo of Dinah in frame. <br> + Photo of Brian in frame. <br> + E.P. mirror. <br> + Blue china bowl containing flowers. <br> + Quantity of music.</p> + +<p><i>Occasional Jacobean chair</i>.–Below piano.</p> + +<p><i>Settee</i> (small Queen Anne cane-backed) upholstered in tapestry +set up and +down stage against and to L. of piano.</p> + +<p><i>Cushion</i>–dark gold brocade–on settee.</p> + +<p><i>Table</i> (occasional Jacobean) above settee to L., of piano.</p> + +<p><i>On table</i>.–Illustrated papers. <br> + Rose-coloured piece of brocade.</p> + +<p><i>Chair</i> (occasional Jacobean with rose-coloured squab) L. of +occasional table above settee.</p> + +<p><i>Sideboard</i> (Jacobean) up R. against back wall.</p> + +<p><i>On sideboard</i>.–Metal bowl (with flowers) <br> + Match stand. <br> + Matches (safety). <br> + Ash tray. <br> + Tobacco jar filled. <br> + George's pipe filled. <br> + Photo in frame. <br> + Cigarette box (with cigarettes). <br> + Vase lamp with shade.</p> + +<p><i>Arm-chair</i> (Jacobean with rose-coloured squab)–L. of sideboard +facing out of windows.</p> + +<p><i>Curtains.</i>–Pair of rose-coloured corduroy curtains with tie +backs for centre windows. +Single rose-coloured corduroy curtain for archway up R. hung on upstage +side of arch.</p> + +<p><i>Stairs.</i>–Painted canvas staircloth. <br> + Brass stair rods.</p> + +<p><i>Occasional chair</i> (Jacobean with rose-coloured squab).–L. of +windows and against back wall.</p> + +<p><i>Table</i> (occasional Jacobean).–Up L. against back wall. <br> + <i>On table.</i>–Metal bowl containing pink azalea plant in pot.</p> + +<p><i>Writing-table.</i>–In front and below C. windows (leather topped). <br> + <i>On writing-table.</i>–Specimen glass with flowers<br> + Writing materials. <br> + Matches in stand. <br> + Ash tray. <br> + Paper and pen rack. <br> + Small bookcase.</p> + +<p><i>Arm-chair</i> (Jacobean) below writing-table C.</p> + +<p><i>Large cabinet</i> (Jacobean Court cupboard) with three cupboard +doors and on short legs–up L. against L. wall above fireplace. <br> + <i>In cupboard.</i>–Very pronounced <i>yellow and black +curtains</i> with webbing arranged <i>for Olivia</i> to stitch on +rings. <br> + <i>Work-box</i> for Olivia containing needles, thread, quantity of +rings, scissors. <br> + <i>On top of cupboard.</i>–Metal bowl with palm in pot. <br> + Pair of scissors (extra as an emergency for Brian's business). <br> + Large glass with flowers.</p> + +<p><i>Waste-paper basket.</i>–To L. of writing-table.</p> + +<p><i>Fireplace (L</i>.).–Brass dogs and antique fire tongs.</p> + +<p><i>Combined brass switch and bell pushes</i> on wall down L. below +fireplace.</p> + +<p><i>Brass spill-box</i> above bell pushes on wall L. below fireplace.</p> + +<p><i>Table</i> (small Jacobean round cane topped) in angle of fireplace +and wall down L. below fireplace. <br> + <i>On table.</i>–Match stand and matches (safety). <br> + Ash tray.</p> + +<p><i>Arm-chair</i>(Jacobean with rose-coloured squab) down L. and to R. +of circular table L. facing up stage.</p> + +<p><i>Pictures on walls.</i>–Picture in gold frame on wall down R. <br> + Picture in gold frame on wall above double doors R. <br> + Picture in gold frame R. of R. wall at back. <br> + Picture in gold frame L. of R. wall at back. <br> + Picture in gold frame R. of L. back wall. <br> + Picture in gold frame L. of L. back wail.</p> + + + +<h1>Hand Properties</h1> + + +<p><i>Off</i> R.–Card salver and card for <i>Anne</i>.<br> + Letter in envelope unstamped on salver. <br> + Letter in envelope stamped for Mr. Pim. <br> + Letter in envelope not stamped for <i>George Marden</i>.<br> + Gentleman's visiting card (Mr. Carraway Pim) for <i>George +Marden</i>.</p> + + +<h2>Act II</h2> + +<p><i>Same Scene and Properties</i>.<br> +Dinah's small guitar on piano.</p> + +<p>Set on Terrace<br> + 3 light green canvas camp chairs. <br> + 2 green and white striped camp chairs. <br> + Folding camp table with green baize top.</p> + +<p>Curtains refolded and placed in cupboard Left.</p> + +<p><i>Off</i> R. <br> + Large double handled E.P. tray. <br> + 5 coffee cups (coloured for coffee) and saucers<br> + 5 coffee spoons. <br> + Sugar basin with sugar.</p> + +<p>Small hunting crop for <i>Lady Marden</i>.<br> +Thick leather gloves for <i>Lady Marden</i>.<br> +Cigarette case for <i>Brian</i>.</p> + + +<h2>Act III</h2> + +<p><i>Same Set and Furniture as Act II</i>.</p> + +<p><i>Off</i> R.–Pair of short library steps (for <i>George Marden</i>).</p> + + +<h1>Electric Plot</h1> + +<p><i>Chandelier</i> (C.).–Jacobean bronze 6-light chandelier hanging +centre <span class="smallcaps">not</span> lighted.</p> + +<p><i>Brackets</i> on walls. <br> + <i>One on wall down</i> L. <br> + One each side of back wall between windows and staircase R. <br> + One each side of back wall between windows and wall L. <br> + All above pictures, <i>not lighted</i>.</p> + +<p><i>Fire</i> in fireplace, <span class="smallcaps">not lighted</span>.</p> + +<p><i>Lengths</i>.–Length in stairway, amber and white. <br> + Length in entrance by double door down R.</p> + +<p><i>Foots</i>.–Amber and white.</p> + +<p><i>Battens</i>.–Ceiling batten, amber and white. <br> + No. 5 batten, amber and white.</p> + +<p><i>Arcs</i>.–2 perch arcs o.p. ) <br> + 2 perch arcs p.s. ) Light amber and frost. <br> + No. 1 o.p. flood stage down L.C. <br> + No. 2 o.p. on settee down R. <br> + No. 1 p.s. on settee L. <br> + No. 2 p.s. on stool and flood C.</p> + +<p><i>Flood Arcs</i>.–Two flood arcs on back cloth L. and R. <br> + <i>Flood</i> arc on transparency windows above stairs R. <br> + <i>Focus</i> arc through windows C., L. of windows of writing-table<br> + and doors down R. into room. Sunlight effect.</p> + +<p><i>To open</i>.–All lights full up and remain for Acts I, II and III.</p> + +<p>[ILLUSTRATION: Electric Plan "Mr. Pim Passes By"]</p> + +<BR> +<BR> +<BR> +<BR> + + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's Mr. Pim Passes By, by Alan Alexander Milne + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MR. PIM PASSES BY *** + +***** This file should be named 7310-h.htm or 7310-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/7/3/1/7310/ + +Produced by Curtis A. Weyant, Stan Goodman, Charles Franks, +and the Distributed Proofreading Team + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions will +be renamed. + +Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright +law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, +so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United +States without permission and without paying copyright +royalties. 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If you are not located in the United States, you'll have +to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this ebook. + +Title: Mr. Pim Passes By + +Author: Alan Alexander Milne + +Posting Date: February 11, 2015 [EBook #7310] +Release Date: January, 2005 +First Posted: April 10, 2003 +Last Updated: January 19, 2005 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MR. PIM PASSES BY *** + + + + +Produced by Curtis A. Weyant, Stan Goodman, Charles Franks, +and the Distributed Proofreading Team + + + + + + + + + + + +MR. PIM PASSES BY + +A Comedy in Three Acts + +by + +A. A. Milne + + + +CHARACTERS +The Original Cast at the Gaiety Theatre, Manchester + +George Marden, J.P. . . . . . . . . . _Mr. Ben Webster._ +Olivia (his Wife) . . . . . . . . . . _Miss Irene Vanbrugh._ +Dinah (his Niece) . . . . . . . . . . _Miss Georgette Cohan._ +Lady Marden (his Aunt) . . . . . . . . _Miss Sybil Carlisle._ +Brian Strange . . . . . . . . . . _Mr. Philip Easton._ +Carraway Pin . . . . . . . . . . _Mr. Dion Boucicault._ +Anne . . . . . . . . . . _Miss Ethel Wellesley._ + +The action takes place in the morning-room at Marden House, +Buckinghamshire, on a day in July. + + +THE ORIGINAL LONDON CAST AT THE NEW THEATRE + +George Marden, J.P. . . . . . . . . . _Mr. Ben Webster._ +Olivia (his Wife) . . . . . . . . . . _Miss Irene Vanbrugh._ +Dinah (his Niece) . . . . . . . . . . _Miss Georgette Cohan._ +Lady Marden (his Aunt) . . . . . . . . _Miss Ethel Griffes._ +Brian Strange . . . . . . . . . . _Mr. Leslie Howard._ +Carraway Pin . . . . . . . . . . _Mr. Dion Boucicault._ +Anne . . . . . . . . . . _Miss Ethel Wellesley._ + + + + +MR. PIM PASSES BY + + + + +ACT I + + + +_The morning-room at Marden House (Buckinghamshire) decided more than a +hundred years ago that it was all right, and has not bothered about +itself since. Visitors to the house have called the result such different +adjectives as "mellow," "old-fashioned," "charming"--even "baronial" and +"antique;" but nobody ever said it was "exciting." Sometimes_ OLIVIA +_wants it to be more exciting, and last week she rather let herself go +over some new curtains; she still has the rings to put on. It is obvious +that the curtains alone will overdo the excitement; they will have to be +harmonized with a new carpet and cushions._ OLIVIA _has her eye on just +the things, but one has to go carefully with_ GEORGE. _What was good +enough, for his great-great-grandfather is good enough for him. However, +we can trust_ OLIVIA _to see him through it, although it may take time._ + +_A scene plot is given at the end of the play._ + +_There are three ways of coming into the room: by the open windows +leading from the garden, by the doors to R., or by the staircase from up_ +R, MR. PIM _chooses the latter way--or rather_ ANNE _chooses it for him; +and_ MR. PIM _kindly and inoffensively follows her. She comes down steps +and crosses to_ C., _followed by_ MR. PIM. + +ANNE (_moves up, looking off_ L. _and returning to_ PIM R.C.). I'll tell +Mr. Marden you're here, sir. Mr. Pim, isn't it? + +PIM (_nervously_). Yes--er--Mr. Pim--Mr. Carraway Pim. He doesn't know +me, you understand, but if he could just spare me a few moments--er--- +(_He fumbles in his pockets_.) I gave you that letter? + +ANNE. Yes, sir, I'll give it to him. + +PIM (_brings out a stamped letter which is not the one he was looking +for, but which reminds him of something else he has forgotten. Looking at +letter_). Oh! Dear me! + +ANNE. Yes, sir? + +PIM. Dear me. I ought to have posted this. (_Looking at letter_.) Oh, +well, I must send a telegram. You have a telegraph office in the village? + +ANNE. Oh, yes, sir. (_Moving up to terrace up_ L. _and pointing off_ L.) +If you turn to the left when you get outside the gates, it's about a +hundred yards down the hill. Turn to the left and down the hill. + +PIM. Turn to the left and down the hill. Thank you, thank you. Very +stupid of me to have forgotten. + +(ANNE _exits up staircase R_.) + +(MR. PIM _wanders about the room humming to himself, and looking at the +pictures and photos on piano. Then goes out at window up_ L.) (DINAH +_enters from staircase up_ R. _dancing, and humming the air of "Down on +the Farm:" she is nineteen, very pretty, very happy, and full of boyish +high spirits and conversation. She dances to foot of stairs, looks off_ +R., _then down_ C., _then to piano; sits and plays a few bars and sings +"Down on the Farm," rises and moves up to_ R. _of piano, and as she does +so_ PIM _re-enters from window up_ L. _and they come suddenly face to +face up back_ C. _below the writing-table. There is a slight pause_.) + +DINAH (_backing a step_). Hullo! + +PIM. You must forgive me, but... Good morning, Mrs. Marden. + +DINAH. Oh, I say, _I_'m not Mrs. Marden. I'm Dinah. + +PIM (_with a smile_). Then I will say, Good morning. Miss Diana. + +DINAH (_reproachfully_). Now, look here, if you and I are going to be +friends, you mustn't do that. Dinah, _not_ Diana. Do remember it, there's +a good man, because I get so tired of correcting people. (_Moving down_ +C. _to_ B.) Have you come to stay with us? (_Sits on settee_ R.) + +PIM (_following her down_). Well, no, Miss--er--Dinah. + +DINAH (_nodding_). That's right. I can see I shan't have to speak to +_you_ again. Now tell me your name, and I bet you I get it right first +time. And do sit down. + +PIM (_crossing to_ L. _and sitting on settee_ L.). Thank you. My name is-- +er--Pim, Carraway Pim-- + +DINAH. Pim, that's easy. + +PIM. And I have a letter of introduction to your father-- + +DINAH (_rising and crossing to_ R. _of table_ L.C. _and speaking across +same_). Oh, no; now you're going wrong again, Mr. Pim. George isn't my +father; he's my uncle. Uncle George--he doesn't like me calling him +George. Olivia doesn't mind--I mean she doesn't mind being called Olivia, +but George is rather touchy. (_Sitting on table, facing_ PIM.) You see, +he's been my guardian since I was about two, and then about five years +ago he married a widow called Mrs. Telworthy. + +PIM (_repeating_). Mrs. Telworthy. + +DINAH. That's Olivia--so she became my Aunt Olivia, only she lets me drop +the Aunt. (_Speaking very sharply_.) Get that? + +PIM (_a little alarmed_). I--I think so, Miss Marden. + +DINAH (_admiringly_). I say, you _are_ quick, Mr. Pim. Well, if you take +my advice, when you've finished your business with George, you will hang +about a bit and see if you can't see Olivia. (_Rising and moving_ C.) +She's simply--(_feeling for the word_)--devastating. I don't wonder +George fell in love with her. + +(_Moving to above piano_ R., _looking at photos, etc._) + +PIM (_rising and looking at his watch and coming_ C.). It's only the +merest matter of business--just a few words with your uncle--Perhaps I'd +better... + +DINAH (_looking at photo on top end of piano_). Well, you must please +yourself, Mr. Pim. I'm just giving you a friendly word of advice. +Naturally, I was awfully glad to get such a magnificent aunt. (_Moving +down to_ L. _of piano and taking up and looking at photo of_ OLIVIA.) +Because, after all, marriage _is_ rather a toss up, isn't it?-- + +PIM (_taken aback_). Well, I don't, know, I haven't had any experience... + +DINAH (_continuing_). And George might have gone off with anybody. +(_Moving to_ PIM.) It's different on the stage, where guardians always +marry their wards, but George couldn't marry _me_ because I'm his niece. +Mind you, I don't say that I should have had him, because, between +ourselves, he's a little bit old-fashioned. + +PIM. So he married--er--Mrs. Marden instead. + +DINAH. Mrs. Telworthy--don't say you've forgotten already, just when you +were getting so good at names. Mrs. Telworthy. (_Moves to and sits on +settee_ R.) You see, Olivia married the Telworthy man and went to +Australia with him, and he drank himself to death in the bush, or +wherever you drink yourself to death out there, and Olivia came home to +England, and met my uncle, and he fell in love with her and proposed to +her--(_rises and kneels on settee_)--and he came into my room that night-- +I was about fourteen--and turned on the light and said, "Dinah, how +would you like to have a beautiful aunt of your very own?" (PIM +_laughs_.) And I said: "Congratulations, George." (PIM _laughs again_.) +That was the first time I called him George. Of course, I'd seen it +coming for weeks. Telworthy, isn't it a funny name? + +PIM. Oh, a most curious name--Telworthy. From Australia, you say? + +DINAH. Yes, I always say that he's probably still alive, and will turn up +here one morning and annoy George. + +PIM (_shocked_). Oh! + +DINAH. But I'm afraid there's not much chance. + +PIM (_shocked_). Miss Marden! Really! + +DINAH, Well, of course, I don't really _want_ it to happen, but it +_would_ be rather exciting. (_Crossing to_ PIM.) Wouldn't it, Mr Pim? + +PIM. Exciting! + +(PIM _crosses to below settee_ L.) + +DINAH. However, things like that never seem to occur down here, somehow, +(_Running up into window up_ R. PIM _watches her_.) There was a hayrick +burnt last year about a mile away, but that isn't the same, is it? + +PIM. No, I should say that that was certainly different. + +DINAH (_coming to back of table_ L.C.). Of course, something very, very +wonderful did happen last night. (_Backing away_.) No, no! I'm not sure +if I know you well enough--(_She looks at him hesitatingly_.) + +PIM (_uncomfortably_). Really, Miss Marden, you mustn't. I am only a--a +passer-by, here to-day and gone to-morrow. You really mustn't-- + +DINAH (_looking round and earning down to_ PIM), And yet there's +something about you, Mr. Pim, which inspires confidence. + +PIM (_moving to_ L.). Oh, no. Really, you mustn't tell me. + +DINAH (_taking his arm_). The fact is--(_in a stage whisper_)--I got +engaged last night! + +PIM. Dear me, let me congratulate you. I wish somebody would come here. + +DINAH (_running up to foot of staircase up_ R. _and looking off_), I +expect that's why George is keeping you such a long time. (_Turning to_ +PIM.) Brian, my young man, the well-known painter--only nobody has ever +heard of him--he's smoking a pipe with George in the library and asking +for his niece's hand. (_Coming back to_ PIM, _and taking his hands, she +dances round with him in a circle_.) + +(PIM _falls exhausted and coughing on to settee_ L. _and_ DINAH _laughing +sits on settee_ R.) + +DINAH. Isn't it exciting? You're really rather lucky, Mr. Pim--I mean +being told so soon. Even Olivia doesn't know yet. + +PIM. Yes, yes, I congratulate you, Miss Marden. Perhaps it would be +better--(_About to get up_.) + +(ANNE _comes in from staircase up_ R. _She comes to_ C.) + +ANNE. Mr. Marden is out at the moment, sir-- + +DINAH (_disappointed_). Oh! + +ANNE (_seeing_ DINAH). Oh, I didn't see you, Miss Dinah! + +PIM. Out! Eh? Dear! Dear! + +DINAH, It's all right, Anne. (_Rising_.) _I'm_ looking after Mr. Pim. + +ANNE. Very well, Miss. + +PIM (_sotto voce_). Out! Oh, well, I'd better go-- + +(_Exit_ ANNE _up staircase_ B.) + +DINAH (_excitedly_). That's me. (_Running up to foot of staircase and +watching_ ANNE _off_.) They can't discuss me in the library without +breaking down--(_coming down_ R. _and imitating_ GEORGE _and_ BRIAN)--so +they're walking up and down outside, and slashing at the thistles in +order to conceal their emotion. You know. I expect Brian--(_Crossing up +to_ R. _of window_.) + +PIM (_rising, calling_). Miss Marden! Miss Marden! (_Looking at his +watch_.) Yes, I think, Miss Marden, I had better go now and return a +little later. I have a telegram which I want to send, and perhaps by the +time I come back your uncle will be able-- + +DINAH (_coming to_ PIM). Oh, but how disappointing of you, when we were +getting on together so nicely! And it was just going to be your turn to +tell me all about yourself. + +PIM. I have really nothing to tell, Miss Marden. I have a letter of +introduction to your uncle, who in turn will give me, I hope, a letter to +a certain distinguished man whom it is necessary for me to meet. That is +all. (_Holding out his hand_.) And now, Miss Marden, I really think I'd +better be going. + +DINAH (_taking his arm and hading him up stage_ C. _to_ L.). Oh, I'll +start you on your way to the post office. + +PIM. Will you? Now, that's really very kind of you. + +DINAH. No, it isn't. + +PIM. Oh, but it is! You're a very kind little girl. + +DINAH. I want to know if you're married-- + +PIM. Oh, no, I'm not married. + +DINAH.--and all that sort of thing. You've got heaps to tell me, Mr. Pim. +Have you got your hat? (PIM _shows his hat_.) Oh yes! That's right. + +(BRIAN STRANGE _comes in from window up_ R. _He is what_ GEORGE _calls a +damned futuristic painter chap, aged 24. To look at he is a very pleasant +boy, rather untidily dressed. He is about to tell_ DINAH _the result of +his interview with_ GEORGE _when he catches sight of_ PIM.) + +Then we'll--hullo, here's Brian! (_Crossing below and to his_ R. _seizing +him_.) Brian, this is Mr. Pim! Mr. Carraway Pim. He's been telling me all +about himself. + +PIM. I haven't said a word. I never opened my mouth. + +DINAH. It's so interesting. He's just going to send a telegram, and then +he's coming back again. Mr. Pim--(_coyly and moving down to head of +settee_ R.)--this is Brian--_you_ know, + +BRIAN (_nodding_). How-do-you-do? + +PIM. How-do-you-do, sir? + +DINAH (_pleadingly and crossing below_ BRIAN _to_ PIM), You won't mind +going to the post office by yourself now, will you? (_Coyly moving up to +chair by writing-table and nervously kicking her ankle, etc_.) Because, +you see, Brian and I--(_She looks lovingly at_ BRIAN.) + +PIM (_moved to sentiment_). Miss Dinah and Mr.--er--Brian, I have only +come into your lives for a moment, and it is probable that I shall now +pass out of them for ever, but perhaps you will permit an old man-- + +DINAH. Oh, not so old! + +PIM (_chuckling happily_). Not old? Well, shall we say a middle-aged +man--(DINAH _nods assent_. PIM _laughs again_)--a middle-aged man to wish +you both every happiness in the years that you have before you. +(_Crossing in front of_ DINAH, _shakes hands with_ BRIAN.) Good-bye-- +(_shaking hands with_ DINAH)--good-bye, and thank you so much. Oh, I know +my way. (_Moving up_ L. _and turning to_ DINAH.) Turn to the left and +down the hill? Turn to the left and down the hill. + +(_Exit_ PIM _up_ L. DINAH _watches him off up_ L. _on terrace and_ BRIAN +_up_ R.) + +DINAH (_coming into the room below writing-table to_ R.C.). Brian, he'll +get lost if he goes that way. + +BRIAN (_crossing at back of windows and calling after him up_ L.). Round +to the left, sir. Yes, that's right. (_He comes back into the room, +crossing down_ L.C.) Rum old bird. Who is he? + +DINAH. Darling, you haven't kissed me yet. + +BRIAN (_moving up to her and pulling her down to below settee_ L.), Oh, I +say. I oughtn't to, but then one never ought to do the nice things. + +DINAH. Why oughtn't you? + +(_They sit on the sofa together--_BRIAN _to_ R., DINAH _to_ L.) + +BRIAN. Well, we said we'd be good until we'd told your uncle and aunt all +about it. You see, being a guest in their house-- + +DINAH. But, darling child, what _have_ you been doing all this morning +_except_ telling George? + +BRIAN. Oh, _trying_ to tell George. + +DINAH (_nodding_). Yes, of course, there's a difference. + +BRIAN. I think he _guessed_ there was something up, and he took me down +to see the pigs--he said he had to see the pigs at once--I don't know +why; an appointment perhaps. And we talked about pigs all the way, and I +couldn't say, "Talking about pigs, I want to marry your niece--" + +DINAH (_with mock indignation_). Oh, of course you couldn't. + +BRIAN. No. Well, you see how it was. And then when we'd finished talking +_about_ pigs, we started talking _to_ the pigs-- + +DINAH (_eagerly_). Oh, _how_ is Arnold? + +BRIAN. Arnold...? Oh yes, that's the little black-and-white one? He's +very jolly, I believe, but naturally I wasn't thinking about him much. I +was wondering how to begin. And then Lumsden came up, and wanted to talk +pig-food, and the atmosphere grew less and less romantic, and--and I +gradually drifted away. + +DINAH. Oh, poor darling! Well, we shall have to approach him through +Olivia. + +BRIAN. But I always wanted to tell her first; she's so much easier. Only +_you_ wouldn't let me. + +DINAH. That's _your_ fault, Brian. You would tell Olivia that she ought +to have orange-and-black curtains in here. + +BRIAN. But she wants orange and black curtains in here. + +DINAH. Yes. (_Rising and standing with her back to fire, imitating_ +GEORGE.) But George says he's not going to have any Futuristic nonsense +in an honest English country house, which has been good enough for his +father and his grandfather and his great-grandfather, and--and all the +rest of them. (_Kneels on settee_.) So there's a sort of strained feeling +between Olivia and George just now, and if Olivia were to--sort of +recommend you, well, it wouldn't do you much good. + +BRIAN (_looking at her_). I see. Of course I know what _you_ want, Dinah. + +DINAH. What do I want? + +BRIAN. You want a secret engagement-- + +DINAH. Oh! + +BRIAN. And notes left under door-mats-- + +DINAH. Oh! + +BRIAN. And meetings by the withered thorn-- + +DINAH. Oh! + +BRIAN. When all the household is asleep. + +DINAH. Oh! + +BRIAN. I know you. + +DINAH. Oh, but it is such fun! I love meeting people by withered thorns. + +BRIAN. Well, I'm not going to have it. + +DINAH (_childishly, sitting close to him_). Oh, George! Look at us being +husbandy! + +BRIAN. You babe! I adore you. (_He kisses her and holds her hands_.) You +know, you're rather throwing yourself away on me. Do you mind? + +DINAH (_putting her legs up on settee and reclining her head on his +shoulder_). Not a bit. + +BRIAN. We shall never be rich, but we shall have lots of fun, and meet +interesting people, and feel that we're doing something worth doing, and +not getting paid nearly enough for it, and we can curse the Academy +together and the British Public, and--oh, it's an exciting life. + +DINAH (_seeing it_). I shall love it. + +BRIAN (_sincerely_). I'll make you love it. You shan't be sorry, Dinah. + +DINAH. You shan't be sorry either, Brian. + +BRIAN (_looking at her lovingly_). Oh, I know I shan't.... What will +Olivia think about it? Will she be surprised? + +DINAH. Olivia? Oh, she's never surprised. She always seems to have +thought of things about half an hour before they happen. George just +begins to get hold of them about half an hour after they've happened. +(_Considering him, stroking his hair_.) After all, there's no reason why +George shouldn't like you, darling. + +BRIAN. I'm not his sort, you know, really. + +DINAH. You're more Olivia's sort. Well, we'll tell Olivia this morning. + +(OLIVIA _comes in from top of staircase up R_.) + +OLIVIA (_coming in_). And what are you going to tell Olivia this morning? +(_They jump up and go to her_.) + +DINAH. Olivia, darling-- + +OLIVIA, Oh, well, I think I can guess, + +(DINAH _goes to her_ R, _and_ BRIAN _to her_ L., _and they bring her +down_ C.) + +BRIAN (_following_). Say you understand, Mrs. Marden. + +OLIVIA. Mrs. Marden, I am afraid, is a very dense person, Brian, but I +think if you asked Olivia if she understood-- + +BRIAN. Bless you, Olivia. I _knew_ you'd be on our side. + +DINAH. Of course she would. + +OLIVIA. I don't know if it's usual to kiss an aunt-in-law, Brian, but +Dinah is such a very special sort of niece that--(_she inclines her cheek +and_ BRIAN _kisses it_). + +DINAH (_backing away to_ B. _a little_). I say, you are in luck to-day, +Brian. + +(BRIAN _moves up_ C. _laughing_.) + +OLIVIA (_crossing below settee_ L. _and up_ L. _to cabinet_). And how +many people have been told the good news? + +BRIAN. Nobody yet. + +DINAH. Except Mr. Pim. + +BRIAN (_crossing down to_ DINAH). Oh, does he-- + +OLIVIA (_timing as she reaches cabinet, up_ L.), Who's Mr. Pim? + +DINAH. Oh, he just happened--(OLIVIA _takes curtains and work-basket from +centre cupboard of cabinet_.)--I say, are those the curtains? Then you're +going to have them after all? + +OLIVIA (_with an air of surprise, coming down L., and putting +work-basket on table L.C. and sitting with curtains_). After all what? +But I decided on them long ago. (_To_ BRIAN.) You haven't told George yet. + +BRIAN (_moving to below stool_ L.C.). I began to, you know, but I never +got any farther than "Er--there's just--er--" + +DINAH (_crossing quickly below_ OLIVIA _and speaking into her face_). +George would talk about _pigs_ all the time. + +OLIVIA. Well, I suppose you want me to help you. + +DINAH (_sitting to_ L. _of_ OLIVIA). Oh, do, darling. + +BRIAN (_sits on stool_ L.C.). It would be awfully decent of you. Of +course, I'm not quite his sort really-- + +DINAH. You're my sort. + +BRIAN. But I don't think he objects to me, and-- + +(GEORGE _comes in from terrace, a typical, narrow-minded, honest country +gentleman of forty odd._ BRIAN _rises hurriedly and crosses to above +piano to_ R. DINAH _rises and stands by fireplace._ OLIVIA _unfolds +curtains and prepares to sew_.) + +GEORGE (_at the windows--he does not see_ BRIAN). Hullo! Hullo! Hullo! +What's all this about a Mr. Pim? Who is he? Where is he? (_He puts his +cap on table, and comes down, into room_.) I had most important business +with Lumsden, and the girl comes down and cackles about a Mr. Pim, or +Ping, or something. Where did I put his card? (_Bringing it out_.) +Carraway Pim. Never heard of him in my life, (_Moves back to +writing-table and puts down card_.) + +DINAH. He said he had a letter of introduction, Uncle George. + +GEORGE. Oh, you saw him, did you! (_Comes down_ C. _to_ R.) Yes, that +reminds me, there was a letter--(_he brings it out and reads it_). + +DINAH. He had to send a telegram. He's coming back. + +OLIVIA. Pass me those scissors, Brian. + +BRIAN (_crossing to above table_ L.C.). These? (_he passes them_.) + +OLIVIA (_giving_ BRIAN _a nod of encouragement and looking round at_ +DINAH). Thank you. + +GEORGE (_reading_). Ah well, a friend of Brymer's, Glad to oblige him. +Yes, I know the man he wants. Coming back, you say, Dinah? (DINAH +_nods_.) Then I'll be going back too. Send him down to the farm, Olivia, +when he comes. (_Going up meets_ BRIAN.) Hallo, what happened to you? +(_Still moving up a little_.) + +OLIVIA. Don't go, George, there's something we want to talk about. (DINAH +_gives a long whistle. All look sheepish and_ GEORGE _notices their +attitude_.) + +GEORGE. Hallo, what's this? + +BRIAN (_quickly and over back of i.e. table to_ OLIVIA). Shall I---! +(DINAH _pantomimes. "Yes, do."_) + +OLIVIA (_with a roguish loot at_ DINAH). Yes, (_Sticks needle in work_.) + +BRIAN (_stepping out to_ C.) I've been wanting to tell you all this +morning, sir, only I didn't seem to have an opportunity of getting it +out. + +GEORGE. Well, what is it? + +(BRIAN, _taken aback for a moment, looks to_ OLIVIA _for encouragement. +She nods approval and turning to_ DINAH, _takes her hand encouragingly-- +_) + +BRIAN (_boldly_). I want to marry Dinah, sir. + +GEORGE. You want to marry Dinah? God bless my soul! + +DINAH (_rushing to him below and to his_ R. _and pulling her cheek +against his coat, and her hands on his shoulder_). Oh, do say you like +the idea, Uncle George. + +GEORGE. Like the idea! (_Taking her hands from his shoulder_.) Have you +heard of this nonsense, Olivia? + +(_Movement of annoyance from_ DINAH.) + +OLIVIA. They've just this moment told me, George. I think they would be +happy together. + +GEORGE (_crossing to fire-place_ L., _to_ BRIAN). And what do you propose +to be happy together on? + +BRIAN (R.C.). Well, of course, I know it doesn't amount to much at +present, but we shan't starve. + +DINAH. Brian got fifty pounds for a picture last March! + +GEORGE (_a little upset by this_). Oh! (_Recovering gamely_.) And how +many pictures have you sold since? + +BRIAN (_gives a nervous look at_ OLIVIA _and_ DINAH, _who then sits on +settee_ R.). Well, none, but-- + +GEORGE. None! And I don't wonder. Who the devil is going to buy pictures +with triangular clouds and square sheep? (BRIAN, _annoyed, moves up_ +R.C.) And they call that Art nowadays! Good God, man (_moving up to the +windows_), go outside and look at the clouds! + +OLIVIA (_busy stitching rings on curtains_). If he draws round clouds in +future, George, will you let him marry Dinah? + +(GEORGE _looks round, annoyed._ BRIAN _is hopeful and comes down towards_ +DINAH.) + +GEORGE (_upset by this, coming down to head of_ L.C. _table_). What-- +what? Yes, of course, you would be on his side--all this Futuristic +nonsense. (OLIVIA _commences to sew_.) I'm just taking these clouds as an +example. (_Crossing to_ BRIAN.) I suppose I can see as well as any man in +the county, and I say that clouds aren't triangular. + +BRIAN (_ingratiatingly_). After all, sir, at my age one is naturally +experimenting, and trying to find one's (_with a laugh)_--well, it sounds +priggish, but one's medium of expression. I shall find out what I want to +do directly, but I think I shall always be able to earn enough to live +on. Well, I have for the last three years. + +GEORGE. I see, and now you want to experiment with a wife-- + +BRIAN. Yes--no--no-- + +DINAH. Yes, you do, + +BRIAN. Yes. + +GEORGE. And you propose to experimenting with my niece? + +BRIAN (_with a shrug_). Well, of course, if you-- + +OLIVIA. You could help the experiment, darling, by giving Dinah a good +allowance until she's twenty-one. + +GEORGE. Help the experiment! I don't _want_ to help the experiment. +(_Crossing up to writing-table_.) + +OLIVIA (_apologetically_). Oh, I thought you did. + +GEORGE. You will talk as if I was made of money. What with taxes always +going up and rents always going down, it's as much as we can do to rub +along as we are (_to back of_ L.C. _table_), without making allowances to +everybody who thinks she wants to get married. (_To_ BRIAN.) And that's +thanks to you, my friend. + +BRIAN (_surprised_). To me? + +OLIVIA. You never told me, darling. What's Brian been doing? + +DINAH (_indignantly_). He hasn't been doing anything. + +GEORGE (_round to foot of table_ L.C.). He's one of your Socialists who +go turning the country upside down. + +OLIVIA. But even Socialists must get married sometimes. + +GEORGE (_crossing below_ OLIVIA _to fireplace_). I don't see any +necessity. + +OLIVIA. But you'd have nobody to damn after dinner, darling, if they all +died out. + +BRIAN (_coming a little_ C.). Really, sir, I don't see what my politics +and my art have got to do with it. I'm perfectly ready not to talk about +either when I'm in your house, and as Dinah doesn't seem to object to +them---- + +DINAH (_moving towards_ BRIAN _and championing him_). I should think she +doesn't. + +GEORGE. Oh, you can get round the women, I daresay. + +BRIAN. Well, it's Dinah I want to marry and live with. So what it really +comes to is that you don't think I can support a wife. + +GEORGE. Well, if you're going to do it by selling pictures, I don't think +you can. + +BRIAN (_moving to_ R. _of table_ L.C.). All right, tell me how much you +want me to earn in a year, and I'll earn it. + +GEORGE (_hedging_). It isn't merely a question of money. I just mention +that as one thing--one of the important things. (GEORGE _crosses to_ +BRIAN _who backs towards_ DINAH.) In addition to that, I think you are +both too young to marry. (DINAH _stamps her foot_.) I don't think you +know your own minds (DINAH _kneels dejectedly on settee_ R.), and I am +not at all persuaded that, with what I venture to call your outrageous +tastes---- + +DINAH. Oh! + +GEORGE You and my niece will live happily together. (_Pause. Crossing up +to writing-table, sits_.) Just because she thinks she loves you, Dinah +may persuade herself now that she agrees with all you say and do, but she +has been properly brought up in an honest English country household-- +(DINAH _throws up her arms and buries her face in her hands on piano_) +and--er--she--well, in short, I cannot at all approve of any engagement +between you. (_Getting up_.) Olivia, if this Mr.--er--Pim comes, I shall +be down at the farm You might send him along to me. + +(_He walks towards the windows up_ L.) + +BRIAN (_moving up_ R., _followed by_ DINAH; _indignantly_). Is there any +reason why I shouldn't marry a girl who has been properly brought up? + +GEORGE. I think you know my views, Strange. + +(DINAH, _disappointed, crosses down_ R. _again to below table_ R.C.) + +OLIVIA. George, wait a moment, dear. We can't quite leave it like this. + +GEORGE. I have said all I want to say on the subject. + +(DINAH _sits on settee_ R.) + +OLIVIA. Yes, darling, but I haven't begun to say all that _I_ want to say +on the subject. + +GEORGE (_crossing down to back of table_ L.C.). Of course, if you have +anything to say, Olivia, I will listen to it; but I don't know that this +is quite the time--(OLIVIA _makes a marked movement as she is sewing the +curtains_), or that you have chosen--(_looking darkly at the curtains_)-- +quite the occupation likely to--er--endear your views to me. + +DINAH (_mutinously, rising quickly and crossing to stool on which she +kneels and looks up into_ GEORGE'S _face and bangs the table_). I may as +well tell you, Uncle George, that I have got a good deal to say, too. + +(BRIAN _crosses down to her_ R., _gingerly pulling her sleeve, trying to +restrain her_.) + +OLIVIA. Yes, darling. I can guess what you are going to say, Dinah, and I +think you had better keep it for the moment. + +DINAH (_meekly, backing to_ R. _below_ BRIAN _and to_ L. _of table_ +R.C.). Yes, Aunt Olivia. + +OLIVIA. Brian, you might take her outside for a walk. I expect you have +plenty to talk about. + +(BRIAN _and_ DINAH _move up_ R.) + +GEORGE (_following them up_). Now mind, Strange, no love-making. I put +you on your honour about that. + +BRIAN (_looking round dubiously at_ DINAH). I'll do my best to avoid it, +sir. + +DINAH (_cheekily_). May I take his arm if we go up a hill? + +OLIVIA. I'm sure you'll know how to behave--both of you. + +BRIAN (R. _of writing-table_). Come on, then, Dinah. + +DINAH (_following him_). Right-o. (_They exeunt through windows and off +to_ L.) + +GEORGE (_as they go_). And if you do see any clouds, Strange, take a good +look at them. (_He chuckles to himself_.) Triangular clouds--I never +heard of such nonsense. (_He goes back to his chair at the writing-table +and sits_.) Futuristic rubbish... Well, Olivia? + +OLIVIA (_sewing curtains_). Well, George? + +GEORGE. What are you doing? + +OLIVIA. Making curtains--(_grunt of disapproval from_ GEORGE)--George. +Won't they be rather sweet? Oh, but I forgot--you don't like them. + +GEORGE. No. I don't like them, and what is more, I don't mean to have +them in my house. As I told you yesterday, this is the house of a simple +country gentleman, and I don't want any of these new-fangled ideas in it. + +OLIVIA. Is marrying for love a new-fangled idea? + +GEORGE. We'll come to that directly. None of you women can keep to the +point. What I am saying now is that the house of my fathers and +forefathers is good enough for me. + +OLIVIA. Do you know, George, I can hear one of your ancestors saying that +to his wife in their smelly old cave--(GEORGE _looks up annoyed at her +levity_)--when the new-fangled idea of building houses was first +suggested. "The Cave of my Forefathers is good enough for----" + +GEORGE (_rising and coming to_ R. _of_ L.C. _table_). That's ridiculous. +Naturally we must have progress. But that's just the point. (_Indicating +the curtains_.) I don't call this sort of thing progress. It's--ah-- +retrogression. + +OLIVIA. Well, anyhow, it's pretty. + +GEORGE. There I disagree with you. And I must say once more that I will +not have them hanging in my house. (_Going up_ R.C.) + +OLIVIA. Very well, George. (_But she goes on working_.) + +GEORGE (_seeing her continuing to sew, stops_). That being so, I don't +see the necessity of going on with them. + +OLIVIA. Well, I must do something with them now I've got the material. + +(GEORGE _goes up to writing-table, sits and writes_.) + +I thought perhaps I could sell them when they're finished--as we're so +poor. + +GEORGE (_turns to her with surprised look_). What do you mean--so poor? + +OLIVIA. Well, you said just now that you couldn't give Dinah an allowance +because rents had gone down. + +GEORGE (_annoyed_). Confound it, Olivia! Keep to the point! We'll talk +about Dinah's affairs directly. We're discussing our own affairs at the +moment. + +OLIVIA. But what is there to discuss, dear? + +GEORGE. Well, those ridiculous things. + +OLIVIA. But we've finished that. You've said you wouldn't have them +hanging in your house, and I've said, "Very well, George."--(GEORGE _is +again annoyed_.)--Now we can go on to Dinah, and Brian. + +GEORGE (_shouting_). But put these beastly things away. + +OLIVIA (_rising and gathering up the curtains_). Very well, George. + +(_Going up_ L. _she places the curtains on the cabinet_.) + +GEORGE (_waits impatiently until she has put them away on top of +cabinet_). Ah! That's better. + +(OLIVIA _comes to table_ L.C., _closes her workbox and then crosses down +to settee_ R.) + +GEORGE (_rising and crossing down to_ OLIVIA _and placing arms lovingly +on her shoulder_). Now look here, Olivia, old girl, you've been a jolly +good wife to me--(_takes his arms from her shoulder_)--and we don't often +have rows, and if I've been rude to you about this--lost my temper a bit +perhaps, what?--I'll say I'm sorry. May I have a kiss? + +OLIVIA (_holding up her face_). George, darling! (_He kisses her_.) Do +you love me? + +GEORGE. You know I do, old girl. + +OLIVIA. As much as Brian loves Dinah? + +GEORGE (_stiffly, taking her hands from his shoulders_). I've said all I +want to say about that. (_He goes away from her to_ L.) + +OLIVIA. Oh, but there must be lots you want to say and perhaps don't like +to. (_Sits on settee_ R.) Do tell me, darling. + +GEORGE (_coming back to_ C.). What it comes to is this. I consider that +Dinah is too young to choose a husband for herself, and that Strange +isn't the husband I should choose for her. + +OLIVIA. You were calling him Brian yesterday. + +GEORGE. Yesterday I regarded him as a boy, now he wants me to look upon +him as a man. + +OLIVIA. He's twenty-four. + +GEORGE. Yes, and Dinah's nineteen. Ridiculous. (_Crossing up to +smoking-table up_ R., _and filling his pipe which he finds on table_.) + +OLIVIA. If he'd been a Conservative, and thought that clouds were round, +I suppose he'd have seemed older, somehow. + +GEORGE. That's a different point altogether. That has nothing to do with +his age. + +OLIVIA (_innocently_). Oh, I thought it had. + +GEORGE (_crossing down_ C. _stuffing tobacco into his pipe_). What I am +objecting to is these ridiculously early marriages before either party +knows its own mind, much less the mind of the other party. (_Moving to +fireplace looking for a match_.) Such marriages invariably lead to +unhappiness. + +OLIVIA. Of course, _my_ first marriage wasn't a happy one. + +GEORGE. As you know, Olivia, I dislike speaking about your first marriage +at all--(_takes a match from table down_ L. OLIVIA _rises slowly and +goes up to_ R. _of writing-table_)--and I had no intention of bringing it +up now, but since you mention it--well, there's a case in point. (_Sits +on settee_ L., _lighting his pipe_.) + +OLIVIA (_looking back at it_). When I was eighteen, I was in love. + +GEORGE (_turning to her_). What? + +OLIVIA. Or perhaps I only thought I was, and I don't know if I should +have been happy or not if I had married him. But my father made me marry +Mr. Jacob Telworthy. (GEORGE _looks up at her, annoyed_.) And when things +were too hot for him in England--"too hot for him"--I think that was the +expression we used in those days--then we went to Australia, and I left +him there. (_Goes slowly down to back of settee_ L.) And the only happy +moment I had in all my married life was on the morning when I saw in the +papers that he was dead. (_Leans with her arms over back of settee_.) + +GEORGE (_very uncomfortable yet lovingly taking her hands with his left +hand_). Yes, yes, my dear, I know, I know. You must have had a terrible +time. I can hardly bear to think about it. My only hope is that I have +made up to you for it in some degree. (_She places her left cheek +lovingly on his head_.) (_Dropping her hands_.) But I don't see what +bearing it has upon Dinah's case. + +OLIVIA. Oh, none, except that _my_ father _liked_ Jacob's political +opinions and his views on art. (_Moving slowly round_ L.C. _table to +below stool at foot_.) I expect that that was why he chose him for me. + +GEORGE. You seem to think that I wish to choose a husband for Dinah. I +don't at all. Let her choose whom she likes as long as he can support her +and there's a chance of their being happy together. Now, with regard to +this fellow-- + +OLIVIA. You mean Brian? + +GEORGE. Well, he's got no money, and he's been brought up in quite a +different way from Dinah. Dinah may be prepared to believe that--er--all +cows are blue, and that--er--waves are square, but she won't go on +believing it for ever. + +OLIVIA. Neither will Brian. + +GEORGE (_moving to_ R. _end of settee_). Well, that's what I keep telling +him, only he won't see it. Just as I keep telling you about those +ridiculous curtains. (_Points to cupboard with pipe in right hand over +his left shoulder_.) It seems to me that I am the only person in the +house with any eyesight left. + +OLIVIA. Perhaps you are, darling; but you must let us find out our own +mistakes for ourselves. (_Sits on stool_ L.C.) At any rate, Brian is a +gentleman; he loves Dinah, Dinah loves him; he's earning enough to +support himself, and you are earning enough to support Dinah. + +GEORGE (_amazed_). What? + +OLIVIA. I think it's worth risking, George. + +GEORGE (_stiffly_). I can only say the whole question demands much more +anxious thought than you seem to have given it. You say that he is a +gentleman. He knows how to behave, I admit; but if his morals are as +topsy-turvy as his tastes and--er--politics, as I've no doubt they are +(_rising and moving to_ L.), then-er--In short, I do _not_ approve of +Brian Strange as a husband for my niece and ward. (_Knocks pipe out down_ +L.) + +OLIVIA (_looking at him thoughtfully_). You _are_ a curious mixture, +George. You were so very unconventional when you married me, and you're +so very conventional when Brian wants to marry Dinah.... George Marden to +marry the widow of a convict! + +GEORGE (_advancing_). Convict! What do you mean? + +OLIVIA. Jacob Telworthy, convict--I forget his number--surely I told you +all this, dear, when we got engaged? + +GEORGE. Never! + +OLIVIA. Oh, but I told you how he carelessly put the wrong signature to a +cheque for a thousand pounds in England; how he made a little mistake +about two or three companies he'd promoted in Australia; and how-- + +GEORGE. Yes, yes (_crossing slowly to_ C. _below_ OLIVIA), but you never +told me he'd been--er--well--_convicted_! + +OLIVIA. What difference does it make? + +GEORGE. My dear Olivia, if you can't see that--a--a--oh, well! + +OLIVIA. Oh! A convict! So, you see, we needn't be too particular about +our niece, need we? + +GEORGE. I think we had better leave your first husband out of the +conversation altogether. I never wished to refer to him; I never wish to +hear about him again. I certainly had not realized that he was actually-- +er--well--convicted for his--er--(_moving to writing-table and picking up +his cap_). + +OLIVIA. Mistakes. GEORGE. Well, we needn't go into that. As for this +other matter, I don't for a moment take it seriously. Dinah is an +exceptionally pretty girl, and young. Strange is a good-looking boy. +(_Coming down to back of settee_ L.) If they are attracted to each other, +it is a mere outward attraction which I am convinced will not lead to any +lasting happiness. (OLIVIA _is about to protest_.) That must be regarded +as my last word in the matter, Olivia. If this Mr.--er--what was his +name, comes, I shall be down at the farm. (GEORGE _goes out by the +staircase up_ R.) + +(_Left alone,_ OLIVIA _rises, goes up_ C., _takes up her curtains again +and crossing down_ L. _sits on settee, and gets calmly to work upon +them_.) + +(DINAH _comes in by the windows from up_ R. _and crosses to_ L. _window +at back, then seeing_ OLIVIA, _beckons to_ BRIAN _and runs down to back +of settee to_ R. _of_ OLIVIA. BRIAN _enters from up_ R., _and follows +down to back of table_ L.C.) + +DINAH (_over back of settee_). Finished? + +OLIVIA (_startled_). Oh, no, I've got all these rings to put on. + +DINAH. I meant talking to George. + +OLIVIA. Oh! + +BRIAN. We walked about outside---- + +DINAH. Until we heard him _not_ talking to you any more---- + +BRIAN. And we didn't kiss each other once. + +DINAH AND BRIAN (_pointing roguishly and with satisfaction at_ OLIVIA). +Ah! + +DINAH. Brian was very George-like. He wouldn't even let me tickle the +back of his neck. (_She goes suddenly to_ OLIVIA _and sits on her_ L.) +Darling (_putting her arms round_ OLIVIA _and kissing her_), being +George-like is a very nice thing to be--I mean a nice thing for other +people to be--I mean--oh, you know what I mean. But say that he's going +to be decent about it. + +OLIVIA. Of course he is, Dinah. + +BRIAN (_sits on stool_ L.C., _and leans forward eagerly_). You mean he'll +let me come here as--as---- + +DINAH. As my young man? + +OLIVIA. Oh, I think so. + +DINAH (_kissing_ OLIVIA). Olivia, you're a wonder. + +(_Embraces her round the neck_.) + +(_Rising and crossing below_ BRIAN, _touching him on the shoulder_.) + +Brian! + +(_Crossing to piano, sits and plays five bars of "The Wedding March," +rises and crosses at back of_ BRIAN _to_ L. _of_ OLIVIA _behind settee_.) + +Have you really talked him round? + +OLIVIA. I haven't said anything yet. + +DINAH (_very disappointed_). Oh! + +(BRIAN _rises and backs to_ C.) + +OLIVIA. But I dare say I shall think of something. + +BRIAN. Oh! my lord. + +DINAH (_disappointedly_). Oh! + +BRIAN (_going up_ C.). After all, Dinah, I'm going back to London +to-morrow---- + +DINAH (_crossing quickly towards_ BRIAN). Oh, no, no! + +OLIVIA. Now, Dinah. You can be good for one more day, and then when Brian +isn't here, we'll see what we can do. + +DINAH (_placing her hands on_ BRIAN'S _shoulders_). Yes, but I didn't +want him to go back to-morrow. + +BRIAN (_sternly, taking her hands away_). Must. Hard work before me. +(DINAH _moves to back of table_ L.C.) Earn thousands a year. (_Going +down_ R. DINAH _and_ OLIVIA _are amused_). Paint the Mayor and +Corporation of Pudsey, life-size, including chains of office; paint slice +of haddock on plate. Copy Landseer for old gentleman in Bayswater. Design +antimacassar for middle-aged sofa in Streatham. (_Sitting and putting his +legs up on settee R_.) Oh, yes. Earn a living for you. Dinah. + +DINAH (_giggling_). Oh, Brian, you're heavenly. What fun we shall have +when we're married. + +BRIAN (_with exaggerated dignity_). Sir Brian Strange, R.A., if you +please, Miss Marden. Sir Brian Strange, R.A., writes: "Your Sanogene has +proved a most excellent tonic. After completing the third acre of my +Academy picture, 'The Mayor and Corporation of Pudsey,' I was completely +exhausted, but one bottle of Sanogene revived me, and I finished the +remaining seven acres at a single sitting." + +OLIVIA (_rising and looking about her_). Brian, find my scissors for me. +(_Sits again_.) + +BRIAN (_rising and crossing to_ C.). Scissors. Sir Brian Strange, R.A., +looks for scissors. + +(BRIAN, _clasping his hands behind his back, with a very important walk, +looks first on the top end of piano, then on writing-table at back_. +DINAH _playfully follows him round, imitating his walk_. BRIAN _crosses +to cabinet up L. and finds the scissors on top, takes them up and in a +threatening attitude turns to_ DINAH, _exclaiming,_ "Ha, ha!" DINAH _with +a little playful scream backs to chair below writing-table, and sits. +Holding up scissors_.) + +Once more we must record an unqualified success for the eminent +Academician. (_Turning to_ OLIVIA _and with a bow hands them over the +back of settee to her_.) Your scissors. + +OLIVIA. Thank you so much. + +DINAH. Come on, Brian, let's go out. I feel open-airy. + +(_They go up_ R.) + +OLIVIA. Don't be late for lunch, there's good people. Lady Marden is +coming. + +DINAH. Aunt Juli-ah! Help! (_She faints in_ BRIAN'S _arms_.) That means +a clean pinafore. Brian, you'll jolly well have to brush your hair. + +BRIAN (_feeling it_). I suppose there's no time now to go up to London +and get it cut? + +(_Enter_ ANNE _from stairs up R. and comes to foot of staircase, followed +by_ PIM, _who comes half-way down the stairs_.) + +ANNE. Mr. Pim! + +DINAH (_delighted_). Hullo. Mr. Pim! (_Imitating a clown_.) Here we are +again! You can't get rid of us so easily, you see. + +PIM. I--er--dear Miss Marden----(_Crosses down to_ C.) + +OLIVIA. How-do-you-do, Mr. Pim? I can't get up, but do come and sit down +(PIM _shakes hands with_ OLIVIA.) My husband will be here in a minute. +Anne, send somebody down to the farm---- + +ANNE, I think I heard the Master in the library, madam. + +OLIVIA. Oh, will you tell him then? + +ANNE. Yes, madam, + +(ANNE _goes out up staircase_.) + +OLIVIA. You'll stay to lunch, of course, Mr. Pim? + +DINAH (_coming down_ C. _to_ R.) Oh, do! + +PIM. It's very kind of you, Mrs. Marden, but----- + +DINAH. Oh, you simply must, Mr. Pim. You haven't told us half enough +about yourself yet. I want to hear all about your early life. + +OLIVIA. Dinah! + +(DINAH _sits at piano and plays thirty-two bars of "If you could only +care."_) + +PIM. Oh, we are almost, I might say, old friends, Mrs. Marden. + +(BRIAN _comes down and kneels on settee_ R., _listening to_ DINAH +_playing_.) + +DINAH. Of course we are. He knows Brian, too. There's more in Mr. Pim +than you think. You will stay to lunch, won't you? + +PIM. (_sits on stool_ L.C.) It's very kind of you to ask me, Mrs. Marden, +but I am lunching with the Trevors. + +OLIVIA. Oh, well, you must come to lunch another day. + +PIM. Oh, thank you, thank you. + +DINAH. The reason why we like Mr. Pim so much is that he was the first +person to congratulate us. We feel that he is going to have a great +influence on our lives. + +PIM. (_to_ OLIVIA). I, so to speak, stumbled on the engagement this +morning, and--er-- + +OLIVIA. I see. Children, you must go and tidy yourselves up. Run along. + +BRIAN. Sir Brian and Lady Strange never run; they walk. + +(DINAH _stops playing_.) (_Offering his_ R. _arm and bowing_.) Madam! + +(DINAH _curtsies and takes his arm and they go up_ C.) + +(DINAH _takes mincing steps and playfully shakes her hand at_ MR. PIM, +_who is amused_.) + +DINAH. Au revoir, Mr. Pim. (_Dramatically_.) We--shall--meet--_again_! + +(PIM. _laughing heartily, rises and bows_.) + +(BRIAN _and_ DINAH _go out through the window up_ C. _to_ L.) + +OLIVIA. You must forgive them, Mr. Pim. They're such children. And +naturally they're rather excited just now. + +PIM. Oh, naturally, naturally! + +OLIVIA. Of course you won't say anything about their engagement. We only +heard about it five minutes ago, and nothing has been settled yet. + +PIM. Of course, of course! + +(_Enter_ GEORGE _from staircase up_ R.) + +GEORGE. Ah, Mr. Pim, we meet at last. Sorry to have kept you waiting +before. (_Shaking hands_.) How are you? How are you? + +PIM. The apology should come from me, Mr. Marden, for having--er-- + +GEORGE. Not at all. Very glad to meet you now. Any friend of Brymer's. +You want a letter to this man Fanshawe? + +OLIVIA. Shall I be in your way at all? + +PIM. Oh, no, no, please don't. + +GEORGE. Oh, no. It's only just a question of a letter. Fanshawe will put +you in the way of seeing all that you want to see. (_Crossing up to +writing-table, sits_.) He's a very old friend of mine. (_Taking a sheet +of notepaper and turning in chair to_ PIM.) You'll stay to lunch, of +course? + +PIM. It's very kind of you, but I'm lunching with the Trevors. (_Sits +settee R. and puts down his hat and gloves_.) + +GEORGE. Ah, well, they'll look after you all right. Good chap, Trevor. + +PIM. Oh, very good ... very good. (_To_ OLIVIA.) You see, Mrs. Marden, I +have only recently arrived from Australia--(OLIVIA _stops in her sewing +and_ GEORGE _looks up_)--after travelling about the world for some years, +and I'm rather out of touch with my--er--fellow-workers in London. + +OLIVIA. I see! You've been in Australia, Mr. Pim? + +PIM. Oh, yes, I---- + +GEORGE (_after a loud cough_). Sorry to keep you waiting, Mr. Pim. I +shan't be a moment. + +PIM. Oh, that's all right, thank you. (_To_ OLIVIA.) Oh, yes, I have been +in Australia more than once in the last few years. + +OLIVIA. Really? I used to live at Sydney many years ago. Do you know +Sydney at all? + +PIM. Oh, yes, I was---- + +GEORGE (_coughing_). H'r'm! Perhaps I'd better mention that you are a +friend of the Trevors? + +PIM. Thank you, thank you. (_To_ OLIVIA.) Indeed yes, I spent several +months in Sydney a few years ago. + +OLIVIA. How curious! I wonder if we have any friends in common there. + +GEORGE (_coughing and gruffly_). Extremely unlikely, I should think. +Sydney is a very big place. + +PIM. True, true, but the world is a very small place, Mr. Marden. I had a +remarkable instance of that, coming over on the boat this last time. + +GEORGE. Ah! (_Feeling that the conversation is now safe, he resumes his +letter_.) + +PIM. Yes. There was a man I used to employ in Sydney some years ago, a +bad fellow, I'm afraid, Mrs. Marden, who had been in prison for some kind +of fraudulent company-promoting and had taken to drink and--and so on. + +OLIVIA. Yes, yes, I understand. + +PIM. Drinking himself to death, I should have said. I gave him at the +most another year to live. Yet to my amazement the first person I saw as +I stepped on board the boat that brought me to England last week was this +fellow. There was no mistaking him. I spoke to him, in fact; we +recognized each other. + +(GEORGE _rises_.) + +OLIVIA. Really? + +PIM. He was travelling steerage; we didn't meet again on board, and as it +happened at Marseilles, this poor fellow--er--now what was his name? A +very unusual one. Began with a--a T, I think. + +OLIVIA (_with suppressed feeling_). Yes, Mr. Pim, yes? (_She puts out a +hand to_ GEORGE.) + +GEORGE (_in an undertone, taking her hand_). Nonsense, dear! + +PIM (_triumphantly_). I've got it! Telworthy! + +OLIVIA (_draws back in settee, overcome_). Telworthy! + +GEORGE. Good God! + +PIM (_a little surprised at the success of his story_). An unusual name, +is it not? Not a name you could forget when once you had heard it. + +OLIVIA (_with feeling, gazing into space with hands clenched_). No, it is +not a name you could forget when once you had heard it. + +GEORGE (_hastily coming over to_ PIM). Quite so, Mr. Pim, a most +remarkable name, a most odd story altogether. Well, well, here's your +letter--(PIM _rises and tales letter_)--and if you're sure you won't stay +to lunch---- + +PIM. No, thank you. You see, I'm lunching with---- + +GEORGE. With the Trevors, yes. I remember you told me. (_Taking his arm +and hurrying him up_ C.) I'll just see you on your way.... (_To_ OLIVIA, +_who does not notice_ PIM _holding out his hand to say good-bye_.) Er--my +dear---- + +OLIVIA (_holding out her hand, but not looking at him_). Good-bye, Mr. +Pim. + +PIM (_shaking hands with_ OLIVIA). Good-bye, good-bye! + +GEORGE (_taking him by the arm up_ L. _towards the windows_). This way, +this way. Quicker for you. + +PIM, Thank you, thank you. + +(GEORGE _hurries him up_ C. _and he exits to_ L. OLIVIA _looks into the +past and shudders_. GEORGE _comes back to_ C.) + +GEORGE. Good God! Telworthy! (ANNE _enters from up_ R. _and comes to foot +of staircase_.) Is it possible? + +(_Before_ OLIVIA _can answer,_ LADY MARDEN _is announced_.) + +ANNE. Lady Marden. + +(GEORGE _crosses down to_ OLIVIA _and touches her on the shoulder. They +pull themselves together, and_ OLIVIA _rises and is crossing towards_ C. +_to greet_ LADY MARDEN, _who does not appear_.) + +QUICK CURTAIN. + + + + ACT II + + + +SCENE.--_The same scene and furniture with addition of a camp table and +five camp chairs outside on terrace at back centre. Lunch is over._ LADY +MARDEN'S _whip and gloves are on writing-table_. + +(ANNE _enters with coffee for five on salver, from double doors_ R., _and +is about to place it on table_ L.C. _when_ OLIVIA, _who follows her on, +says_:) + +OLIVIA. We'll have coffee on the terrace, Anne. + +ANNE. Very good, madam. (_Moves up_ L. _and places salver on camp table +on terrace_.) + +(LADY MARDEN _follows_ OLIVIA _from double doors_ R. ANNE _crosses at +back of windows to_ R.) + +OLIVIA. We'll have coffee on the terrace, Aunt Julia. + +(LADY MARDEN _crosses in front of_ OLIVIA _and up_ L. _through windows +and sits_ R. _at back of camp table_. GEORGE _follows_ LADY MARDEN, +_meets_ OLIVIA, _and both throw up their arms despairingly._ OLIVIA +_crosses up_ L. _through windows and sits to_ L. _of camp table._ DINAH +_and_ BRIAN _follow_ GEORGE _on_.) + +(ANNE _exits at doors_ R.) + +(GEORGE _turns, and seeing_ DINAH _is annoyed, follows_ OLIVIA _up_ L. +_and sits_ L. _of_ LADY MARDEN.) + +DINAH (_to_ BRIAN). I know Aunt Julia likes a little music. + +(DINAH _comes down to piano and takes up small guitar._ BRIAN _crosses +to_ L., _laughing at her. She goes up_ L. _of writing-table, playing and +singing, and crosses round back of writing-table and sits to_ R. _of +camp table,_ BRIAN _follows her and stands with his back to windows._ +GEORGE _and_ LADY MARDEN _are annoyed with_ DINAH'S _playing, and tell +her to stop, and she does so._ OLIVIA _pours milk into_ DINAH'S _cup and_ +BRIAN _passes it to her; she drinks and then commences to play again and +is stopped by looks from_ LADY MARDEN _and_ GEORGE.) + +LADY MARDEN (_to_ DINAH). No! No! Don't do it! + +OLIVIA. Your aunt does not like it, dear. + +(GEORGE _and_ OLIVIA _want to be alone, so do_ BRIAN _and_ DINAH. _At +last_ BRIAN _murmurs something about a cigarette-case, and catching_ +DINAH'S _eye, comes into the room. He leans against the sofa down_ L. +_and waits for her_.) + +DINAH (_loudly, as she comes in strumming on guitar_). Have you found it? + +BRIAN. Found what? + +DINAH (_in her ordinary voice, crossing quickly down to_ BRIAN). That was +just for _their_ benefit. I said I'd help you find it. It _is_ your +cigarette-case we're looking for, isn't it? + +BRIAN (_taking it out_). Yes. Have one? + +DINAH. No, thank you, darling. (BRIAN _goes up_ R. _in smoking-table for +a match_.) Aunt Juli-ah still thinks it's unladylike.... Have you ever +seen her beagling? (_Comes down to piano, puts down instrument_.) + +BRIAN. No. Is that very ladylike? + +DINAH (_sitting on settee_ R.). Very.... I say, what has happened, do you +think? + +BRIAN (_moving down to back of table_ R.C.). Everything. I love you, and +you love me. + +DINAH. Silly! I meant between George and Olivia. Didn't you notice them +at lunch? + +BRIAN (_sits on table_). I noticed that you seemed to be doing most of +the talking. But then I've noticed that before sometimes. Do you think +Olivia and your uncle have quarrelled because of _us_? + +DINAH. Of course not. George may _think_ he has quarrelled, but I'm quite +sure Olivia hasn't. No (DINAH _beckons to_ BRIAN, _who comes and sits +above her_), I believe Mr. Pim's at the bottom of it. He's brought some +terribly sad news about George's investments. (_Rising and facing_ +BRIAN.) The old home will have to be sold up. + +BRIAN. Good. Then your uncle won't mind your marrying me. + +DINAH (_by table above settee_ R.). Yes, darling, but you must be more +dramatic about it than that. "George," you must say, with tears in your +eyes, "I cannot pay off the whole of the mortgage for you. I have only +two and ninepence; but at least let me take your niece off your hands." +Then George will (_hitting him on the shoulder)_ thump you on the back +and say gruffly (_crossing to_ L.), "You're a good fellow, Brian, a damn +good fellow," and he'll blow his nose very loudly, and say, "Confound +this cigar, it won't draw properly." + +BRIAN (_rising and crossing to_ DINAH). Dinah, you're a heavenly idiot. +And you've simply got to marry me, uncles or no uncles. + +DINAH. Hush! (_She takes his hand and they sit on settee_ L., _hiding +from others at back_). It will have to be "uncles," I'm afraid, because, +you see, I'm his ward, and I can get sent to Chancery or Coventry or +somewhere beastly, if I marry without his consent, Haven't _you_ got +anybody who objects to your marrying _me_? + +BRIAN. Nobody, thank Heaven. + +DINAH. Well, that's rather disappointing of you. I saw myself fascinating +your aged father at the same time that you were fascinating George. I +should have done it much better than you. As a George-fascinator you +aren't very successful, sweetheart. + +BRIAN (_kissing her hand_). What am I like as a Dinah-fascinator? + +DINAH. Plus six, darling. + +BRIAN. Then I'll stick to that and leave George to Olivia. + +DINAH. I expect she'll manage him all right. I have great faith in +Olivia. But you'll marry me, anyhow, won't you, Brian? + +BRIAN. I will. + +DINAH. Even if we have to wait till I'm twenty-one? + +BRIAN. Even if we have to wait till you're fifty-one. + +DINAH (_holding out her hands to him_). Darling! + +BRIAN (_uneasily_). I say, don't do that. + +DINAH. Why not? + +BRIAN. Well, I promised I wouldn't kiss you. + +DINAH. Oh! (_Rising and crossing to_ C., _watching the others at back_). +Well, you might just send me a kiss. You can look the other way as if you +didn't know I was here. + +BRIAN. Like this? + +(_He looks the other way, kisses the tips of his fingers, and flicks it +carelessly in her direction. She pretends to catch it, kissing her own +hands_.) + +DINAH. That was a lovely one. Now here's one coming for you. + +(_She throws him a kiss. He catches it gracefully and conveys it to his +mouth_.) + +BRIAN (_rising, and with a low bow_). Madam, I thank you. + +DINAH (_curtsying_). Your servant, Mr. Strange, + +OLIVIA (_rising from outside_). Dinah! + +DINAH (_jumping up_). Hullo! (_Moving quickly to piano, plays "Mickey."_) + +(BRIAN _throws away his cigarette and walks to_ L.) + +(OLIVIA _comes in through the window up_ L., _followed by_ GEORGE _and_ +LADY MARDEN, _the latter a vigorous young woman of sixty odd, who always +looks as if she were beagling_.) + +OLIVIA (_coming down to_ DINAH _above piano_). Aunt Julia wants to see +the pigs, dear. I wish you'd take her down. I'm rather tired, and your +uncle has some business to attend to. + +(GEORGE _sits in chair up_ C. _in front of writing-table_.) + +LADY MARDEN (_moving down_ C.), I've always said that you don't take +enough exercise, Olivia. (_Turning to others_.) Look at me--sixty-five +and proud of it. (_Goes up_ R. _and takes up gloves and riding-whip from +writing-table_.) + +OLIVIA (_taking off her coatee_). Yes, Aunt Julia, you're wonderful. + +DINAH. How old would Olivia be if she took exercise? + +(OLIVIA, _smiling, but with an admonishing look at_ DINAH, _comes up_ R. +_and places her coatee on balustrade_.) + +GEORGE (_from up_ C.). Don't fool about asking silly questions, Dinah. +Your aunt hasn't much time. + +BRIAN. May I come, too, Lady Marden? + +LADY MARDEN (_coming down centre to_ BRIAN). Well, a little exercise +wouldn't do _you_ any harm, Mr. Strange. You're an artist, ain't you? + +(DINAH _stops playing_.) + +BRIAN. Well, I try to paint. + +DINAH (_rises and moves to_ R.C.). He sold a picture last March for---- + +GEORGE. Yes, yes, never mind that now. + +LADY MARDEN. Yes, unhealthy life. (_Going to_ R. _of writing-table and +crossing at back, turns to_ DINAH _and_ BRIAN.) Well, come along. + +(_She strides out up_ L., _followed by_ DINAH _and_ BRIAN, _who upset_ +GEORGE'S _papers on writing-table as they go_. OLIVIA _takes the curtains +and workbox from_ C. _cupboard of cabinet and comes down_ L.) + +GEORGE (_looking up and seeing_ OLIVIA). Really, Olivia, we've got +something more important, more vital to us than curtains, to discuss, now +that we _are_ alone at last. + +OLIVIA. I wasn't going to discuss them, dear. (_Sits_.) + +GEORGE. Of course, I'm always glad to see Aunt Julia in my house, but I +wish she hadn't chosen this day of all days to come to lunch. + +OLIVIA. It wasn't Aunt Julia's fault. It was really Mr. Pim who chose the +wrong day. + +GEORGE (_fiercely and rising_). Good heavens, is it true? + +OLIVIA. About Jacob Telworthy? + +GEORGE. Yon told me he was dead. (_Moving down to_ L. _of_ L.C. _table_.) +You always said that he was dead. + +OLIVIA. Well, I always thought that he was dead. He was as dead as +anybody could be. All the papers said he was dead. + +GEORGE (_scornfully_). The papers!(_Crossing up to smoking-table for his +pipe_.) + +OLIVIA (_as if this would settle it for_ GEORGE). The _Times_ said he was +dead. There was a paragraph about him. Apparently even his death was +fraudulent. + +GEORGE (_coming down_ C.). Yes, yes, I'm not blaming you, Olivia, but +what are we going to do, that's the question, what are we going to do? My +God, it's horrible! (_Crossing to fireplace_.) You've never been married +to me at all! You don't seem to understand. + +OLIVIA. It is a little difficult to realize. You see, it doesn't seem to +have made any difference to our happiness. + +GEORGE. No, that's what's so terrible. (OLIVIA _looks up surprised_.) I +mean--well, of course, we were quite innocent in the matter. (_Sits in +arm-chair down_ L.) But, at the same time, nothing can get over the fact +that we--we had no right to--to be happy. + +OLIVIA. Would you rather we had been miserable? + +GEORGE. You're Telworthy's wife, that's what you don't seem to +understand. You're Telworthy's wife. You--er--forgive me, Olivia, but +it's the horrible truth--you committed bigamy when you married me. (_In +horror, going up_ L.) Bigamy! (_Coming round to_ C.) + +OLIVIA. It is an ugly word, isn't it? + +GEORGE. Yes, but you don't understand. (_Coming quickly down_ C., _sits +on stool_ L.C., _facing her_.) Look here, Olivia, old girl, the whole +thing is nonsense, eh? It isn't your husband, it's some other Telworthy +that this fellow met. That's right, isn't it? Some other shady swindler +who turned up on the boat, eh? This sort of thing doesn't happen to +people like _us_--committing bigamy and all that. Some other fellow. + +OLIVIA (_shaking her head_). I knew all the shady swindlers in Sydney.... +They came to dinner.... There were no others called Telworthy. + +GEORGE (_rising with gesture of despair_). Well, what are we going to do? + +OLIVIA. You sent Mr. Pim away so quickly. He might have told us things. +Telworthy's plans. Where he is now. You hurried him away so quickly. + +GEORGE. I've sent a note round to ask him to come back. My one idea at +the moment was to get him out of the house--to hush things up. (_Going up +to writing-table_.) + +OLIVIA. You can't hush up two husbands. + +GEORGE (_in despair_). You can't. (_Sits at writing-table_.) Everybody +will know. Everybody! + +OLIVIA. The children, Aunt Julia, they may as well know now as later. Mr. +Pim must, of course. + +GEORGE. I do not propose to discuss my private affairs with Mr. Pim---- + +OLIVIA. But he's mixed himself up in them rather, hasn't he, and if +you're going to ask him questions---- + +GEORGE. I only propose to ask him one question. I shall ask him if he is +absolutely certain of this fellow's name. I can do that quite easily +without letting him know the reason for my inquiry. + +OLIVIA. You couldn't make a mistake about a name like Telworthy. But he +might tell us something about Telworthy's plans. Perhaps he's going back +to Australia at once. Perhaps he thinks I'm dead, too. Perhaps--oh, +there are so many things I want to know. + +GEORGE. Yes, yes, dear. It would be interesting to--that is, one +naturally wants to know these things, but of course it doesn't make any +real difference. + +OLIVIA (_surprised_). No difference? + +GEORGE (_rising and coming down to back of settee_ L.). Well, that is to +say, you're as much his wife if he's in Australia as you are if he's in +England. + +OLIVIA. I am not his wife at all. (_Shaking her head_.) Jacob Telworthy +may be alive, but I am not his wife. I ceased to be his wife when I +became yours. + +GEORGE. You never _were_ my wife. (_Annoyed and crossing to_ R. _and back +again to_ L.C.) That is the terrible part of it. Our union--you make me +say it, Olivia--has been unhallowed by the Church. Unhallowed even by the +Law. Legally, we have been living in--living in--well, the point is, how +does the Law stand? I imagine that Telworthy could get a--a divorce.... +Oh, it seems impossible that things like this can be happening to _us_. +(_Going up_ C.) + +OLIVIA. A divorce? + +GEORGE. I--I imagine so. + +OLIVIA. But then we could _really_ get married, and we shouldn't be +living in--living in--whatever we were living in before. + +GEORGE (_coming down to_ R. _of table_ L.C.). I can't understand you, +Olivia. You talk about it so calmly, as if there was nothing blameworthy +in being divorced. + +OLIVIA. Yes, but---- + +GEORGE. As if there was nothing unusual in my marrying a divorced woman. + +OLIVIA. Yes, but---- + +GEORGE. As if there was nothing wrong in our having lived together for +years without having been married. + +OLIVIA (_placing her hands on table_). What seems wrong to me is that I +lived for five years with a bad man whom I hated. What seems right to me +is that I lived for five years with a good man whom I love. + +GEORGE (_taking and patting her hands affectionately_). Yes, yes, my +dear, I know. (_Drops her hands and moves to_ C.) But right and wrong +don't settle themselves as easily as that. We've been living together +when you were Telworthy's wife. That's _wrong_. + +OLIVIA. Do you mean wicked? + +GEORGE. Well, no doubt the Court would consider that we acted in perfect +innocence---- + +OLIVIA. What Court? + +GEORGE. Well, you see, my dear, these things have to be done legally, of +course. (_Moving to_ R. _to settee, thinking it out_.) I believe the +proper method is a nullity suit, declaring our marriage null and--er-- +void. It would, so to speak, wipe out these years of--er---(_Moving back +to_ C.) + +OLIVIA. Wickedness? + +GEORGE. Of irregular union, and-er--then---- + +OLIVIA. Then I could go back to Jacob.... Do you really mean that, +George? + +GEORGE (_uneasily_). Well, dear, you see-that's how things are--one +can't get away from--er------ + +OLIVIA. What you feel is that Telworthy has the greater claim? You are +prepared to--make way for him? + +GEORGE. Both the Church and the Law would say that I had no claim at all, +I'm afraid. I--I suppose I haven't. + +OLIVIA. I see. (_She looks at him curiously_.) Thank you for making it so +clear, George. + +GEORGE. Of course, whether or not you go back to--er--Telworthy is +another matter altogether. (_Crossing to fireplace_.) That would +naturally be for you to decide. + +OLIVIA (_cheerfully_). For me and Jacko to decide. + +GEORGE. Er--Jacko? + +OLIVIA. I used to call my first husband--I mean my only husband--Jacko. I +didn't like the name of Jacob, and Jacko seemed to suit him somehow. +(_Enjoying the joke_.) He had very long arms. (GEORGE _is very annoyed_.) +Poor Jacko. + +GEORGE (_annoyed_). You don't seem to realize that this is not a joke, +Olivia. + +OLIVIA (_still amused_). It may not be a joke, but it is funny, isn't it? + +GEORGE. I must say I don't see anything funny in a tragedy that has +wrecked two lives. + +OLIVIA. Two? Oh, but Jacko's life isn't wrecked. It has just been +miraculously restored to him. And a wife, too. There's nothing tragic for +Jacko in it. + +GEORGE (_stiffly_). I was referring to _our_ two lives--yours and mine. + +OLIVIA. Yours, George? Your life isn't wrecked. The Court will absolve +you of all blame; your friends will sympathize with you, and tell you +that I was a designing woman who deliberately took you in; your Aunt +Julia-- + +GEORGE (_overwrought_). Stop it! (_Crossing over to her_.) What do you +mean? Have you no heart? (OLIVIA _gives a little hurt cry_.) Do you think +I _want_ to lose you, Olivia? (_Sits on her_ L.) Do you think I _want_ my +home broken up like this? Haven't you been happy with me these last five +years? + +OLIVIA. Very happy. + +GEORGE. Well then, how can you talk like that? + +OLIVIA. But you want to send me away, + +GEORGE. There you go again. I don't _want_ to. I have hardly had time to +realize just what it will mean to me when you go. The fact is I simply +daren't realize it. I daren't think about it. + +OLIVIA. Try thinking about it, George. + +GEORGE. And you talk as if I _wanted_ to send you away! + +OLIVIA. Try thinking about it, George. + +GEORGE. You don't seem to understand that I'm not _sending_ you away. You +simply aren't mine to keep. + +OLIVIA. Whose am I? + +GEORGE (_dubiously_). Your husband's. Telworthy's. + +OLIVIA (_gently_). If I belong to anybody but myself, I think I belong to +you. + +GEORGE. Not in the eyes of the Law. Not in the eyes of the Church. Not +even in the eyes of--er---- + +OLIVIA. The County? + +GEORGE (_annoyed_). I was about to say "Heaven." + +OLIVIA. Oh! + +GEORGE (_rising and crossing below_ OLIVIA _to_ C.). That this should +happen to _us_! (OLIVIA _works in silence. Then she shakes out her +curtains_.) + +OLIVIA (_looking at them_). I do hope Jacko will like these. + +GEORGE (_turning and seeing curtains_). What! You----(_Going up to her +quickly and taking her by the hands raises her from the settee_.) Olivia, +Olivia, have you no heart? + +OLIVIA. Ought you to talk like that to another man's wife? + +GEORGE. Confound it, is this just a joke to you? + +OLIVIA. You must forgive me, George; I am a little over-excited--at the +thought of returning to Jacob. + +GEORGE. Do you _want_ to return to him? + +OLIVIA. One wants to do what is right. In the eyes of--er--Heaven. + +GEORGE. Seeing what sort of a man he is, I have no doubt that you could +get a separation, supposing that he didn't--er--divorce you. I don't know +_what_ is best. I must consult my solicitor. The whole position has been +sprung on us, and (_miserably sits on stool_ L.C.) I don't know, I don't +know. I can't take it all in. (_Leaning forward and burying his face in +his hands_.) + +OLIVIA. Wouldn't you like to consult your Aunt Julia too? She could tell +you what the County--I mean what Heaven really thought about it. + +GEORGE. Yes, yes. Aunt Julia has plenty of common sense. You're quite +right, Olivia. This isn't a thing we can keep from the family. + +OLIVIA. Do I still call her _Aunt_ Julia? + +(ANNE _comes in from staircase up_ R. GEORGE _does not see her, but_ +OLIVIA _attracts his attention_.) + +GEORGE (_looking up at_ OLIVIA). What? What? (_Rising and crossing up to_ +ANNE.) Well, what is it? + +ANNE. Mr. Pim says he will come down at once, sir. + +GEORGE. Oh, thank you, thank you. + +(OLIVIA _picks up curtains._ ANNE _goes out up staircase up_ R.) + +OLIVIA. George, Mr. Pim has got to know. + +GEORGE. I don't see the necessity. + +OLIVIA. Not even for me? When a woman suddenly hears that her long-lost +husband is restored to her, don't you think she wants to ask questions? +Where is he living, and how is he looking, and-- + +GEORGE (_very angry, going to writing-table, sits_). Of course, if you +are interested in these things-- + +OLIVIA. How can I help being? Don't be so silly, George. (_Moves up to_ +R. _of_ GEORGE _with the curtains on her arm_.) We _must_ know what +Jacko-- + +GEORGE (_annoyed_) I wish you wouldn't call him by that ridiculous name. + +OLIVIA. My husband-- + +GEORGE (_wincing_). Yes, well--your husband? + +OLIVIA. Well, we must know his plans--where we can communicate with him, +and so on. + +GEORGE. I have no wish to communicate with him. + +OLIVIA. I'm afraid you'll have to, dear. + +GEORGE. I don't see the necessity. + +OLIVIA. Well, you'll want to--to apologize to him for living with his +wife for so long. (GEORGE _looks up and round at her nonplussed_). And as +I belong to him, he ought to be told where he can--call for me. + +GEORGE (_after a struggle and scratching his head_). You put it in a very +peculiar way, but I see your point. (_With a shudder_.) Oh, the horrible +publicity of it all! (_Turns away and leans on writing-table_.) + +OLIVIA (_going up to him and comforting him, placing her hands on his +shoulders_). Poor George. Dear, don't think I don't sympathize with you. +I understand so exactly what you are feeling. The publicity! It's +terrible. + +GEORGE (_miserably and turning in his chair to her_). I want to do what's +right. You believe that, don't you? + +OLIVIA. Of course I do. (_Taking her hands away_.) It's only that we +don't quite agree as to what is right and what is wrong. + +GEORGE. It isn't a question of agreeing. Right is right, and wrong is +wrong, all the world over. + +OLIVIA (_with a sad little smile_). But more particularly in +Buckinghamshire, I think. + +GEORGE. If I only considered myself, I should say: "Let us pack this man +Telworthy back to Australia. He would make no claim. He would accept +money to go away and say nothing about it." If I consulted simply my own +happiness, Olivia, that, is what I should say. But when I consult--er-- + +OLIVIA (_with great feeling_). Mine? + +GEORGE. My conscience---- + +OLIVIA (_disappointed_). Oh! + +GEORGE. Then I can't do it. (_Rises and is going up_ L.) It's wrong. + +OLIVIA (_making her first appeal_). Yes; but, George, don't you think I'm +worth a little-- + +GEORGE (_turning round, seeing_ DINAH _coming_). H'sh! Dinah! (_Moves +back to writing-table. Loudly for_ DINAH'S _benefit_.) Well, then I'll +write to him and--Ah, Dinah, where's Aunt Julia? + +DINAH (_coming in from up_ L.). We've seen the pigs, and now she's +discussing the Art of Landseer with Brian. (_Crossing in front of +writing-table to_ OLIVIA.) I just came to ask-- + +OLIVIA. Dinah, dear, bring Aunt Julia here. And Brian too. We have things +we want to talk about with you all. + +DINAH. Right-o! (_Moves back up_ L.) + +GEORGE (_outraged_). Olivia! + +DINAH (_turning on terrace_). What fun! + +(OLIVIA _goes to table_ L.C. _and picks up her work-box. Exit_ DINAH L.) + +GEORGE. Olivia, you don't seriously suggest that we should discuss these +things with a child like Dinah and a young man like Strange, a mere +acquaintance. + +OLIVIA. Dinah will have to know. I'm very fond of her, George. You can't +send me away without telling Dinah. And Brian is my friend. (_Moving to +cabinet, puts curtains and work-box on top of cabinet_.) You have your +solicitor and your aunt and your conscience to consult--mayn't I even +have Brian? + +GEORGE (_forgetting_). I should have thought that your _husband_-- + +OLIVIA (_coming down to_ L. _back end of settee_ L.). Yes, but we don't +know where Jacko is. + +GEORGE. I was not referring to--er--Telworthy. + +OLIVIA. Well then? + +GEORGE. Oh, of course--You--naturally I--Oh, this is horrible! (_Sits +with his face in his hands at writing-table_.) + +(OLIVIA _is about to speak to him as_ LADY MARDEN _enters from up_ L. +LADY MARDEN _looks at_ GEORGE, _then moves down to centre._ DINAH +_follows and comes to_ L. _back end of settee._ BRIAN _follows_ DINAH +_and comes to back of table_ L.C. OLIVIA _moves round to_ L. _end of +settee_ L.) + +OLIVIA (_after a pause_). George and I have had some rather bad news, +Aunt Julia. We wanted your advice. Where will you sit? + +LADY MARDEN. Thank you, Olivia. I can sit down by myself. + +(_She does so, on lower end of settee_ R., _moving cushion away_.) + +OLIVIA (_to_ DINAH). You sit there, my darling. + +(DINAH _sits in arm-chair down_ L. _and_ OLIVIA _on settee_ L. _There is +a good pause_. ALL _are looking very uncomfortable_.) + +LADY MARDEN. Well, what is it? + +(_Another pause_. ALL _are still looking very uncomfortable_.) + +Money, I suppose; nobody's safe nowadays. + +(_There is another good pause_. GEORGE _looks up hopelessly at_ LADY +MARDEN. BRIAN _moves up inquisitively towards_ GEORGE, _who turns and +gradually raising his head catches sight of_ BRIAN _and gives him a +severe look and_ BRIAN _retreats quickly to back of_ L.C. _table_.) + +GEORGE (_signalling for help_). Olivia---- + +OLIVIA (_after a pause_). We've just heard that my first husband is still +alive. + +DINAH. Telworthy! + +BRIAN. Good Lord! + +LADY MARDEN. George! + +DINAH (_excitedly_). And only this morning I was saying that nothing ever +happened in this house! (_Rising from arm-chair and sitting to_ L. _of_ +OLIVIA _and remorsefully to her_.) Darling, I don't mean that. Darling +one! + +LADY MARDEN. What does this mean, George? I leave you for ten minutes-- +barely ten minutes--to go and look at the pigs, and when I come back you +tell me that Olivia is a bigamist. + +(DINAH _jumps up and moves to_ L. _of settee_ L.) + +BRIAN (_indignantly advancing towards_ LADY MARDEN). I say---- + +OLIVIA (_restraining him_). H'sh! + +BRIAN (_to_ OLIVIA _and taking her hand across table_ L.C.). If this is a +row, I'm on your side. + +LADY MARDEN. Well, George? + +GEORGE (_rising and coming down to_ LADY MARDEN). I'm afraid it's true, +Aunt Julia. (_Taking stool from_ L.C. _to_ C., _sits on it_. DINAH _sits +in arm-chair down_ L.) We heard the news just before lunch--just before +you came. We've only this moment had an opportunity of talking about it, +of wondering what to do. + +LADY MARDEN. What was his name----Tel--something---- + +OLIVIA. Jacob Telworthy. + +LADY MARDEN (_in amazement_). So he's alive still? + +GEORGE. Apparently. There seems to be no doubt about it. + +LADY MARDEN (_to_ OLIVIA). Didn't you _see_ him die? I should always want +to _see_ my husband die before I married again. Not that I approve of +second marriages, anyhow. I told you so at the time, George. + +OLIVIA. _And_ me, Aunt Julia. + +LADY MARDEN. Did I? Well, I generally say what I think. + +GEORGE. I ought to tell you, Aunt Julia, that no blame attaches to Olivia +over this. Of that I am perfectly satisfied. It's nobody's fault, +except---- + +LADY MARDEN. Except Telworthy's. _He_ seems to have been rather careless. +Well, what are you going to do about it? + +GEORGE. That's just it. It's a terrible situation (_With a gesture of +despair_.) There's bound to be so much publicity. Not only all this, but-- +but Telworthy's past. + +LADY MARDEN. I should have said that it was Telworthy's present which, +was the trouble. Had he a past as well? + +OLIVIA. He was a fraudulent company promoter. He went to prison a good +deal. + +(_General consternation_. BRIAN _gives a long whistle and goes up_.) + +LADY MARDEN. George, you never told me this! + +GEORGE. I--er---- + +OLIVIA. I don't see _why_ he should want to talk about it. + +DINAH (_indignantly rising and moving to L. end of settee_ L.). What's it +got to do with Olivia, anyhow? It's not _her_ fault. + +LADY MARDEN (_sarcastically and emphatically_). Oh, no, I daresay it's +mine. + +(_There is an uncomfortable pause_.) + +OLIVIA (_to_ GEORGE). You wanted to ask Aunt Julia what was the right +thing to do. + +BRIAN (_crossing down L.C. and bursting out_). Good Heavens, what is +there to do except the one and only thing? (_They all look at him and he +becomes embarrassed and backs up stage a little_.) I'm sorry. You don't +want _me_ to---- + +OLIVIA (_taking his hand across table_ L.C.). _I_ do, Brian. + +LADY MARDEN. Well, go on, Mr. Strange. What would _you_ do in George's +position? + +BRIAN (_crosses down to back of table_ L.C.). Do? Say to the woman I +loved, "You're _mine_ (_bangs table with his fist_), and let this other +damned fellow come and take you from me if he can!" And he couldn't--how +could he?--not if the woman chose _me_. + +(LADY MARDEN _gazes at_ BRIAN _in amazement_, GEORGE _in anger_. OLIVIA +_presses his hand gratefully. He has said what she has been waiting--oh, +so eagerly--for_ GEORGE _to say_. GEORGE _rises and goes angrily up to_ +BRIAN, _who defies him_. GEORGE _is subdued and moves helplessly up_ C. +_followed by_ BRIAN, _who is still defiant_. DINAH _rises and runs up_ L. +_and round back of settee_ L. _and up to left of_ BRIAN _and takes his +arm_.) + +DINAH (_adoringly_). Oh, Brian! (_In a loud whisper_.) It _is_ me, isn't +it, and not Olivia? + +BRIAN. You baby, of course! + +LADY MARDEN. I'm afraid, Mr. Strange (DINAH _with an exclamation of +annoyance comes down to_ L. _of settee_ L.), your morals are as peculiar +as your views on Art. + +BRIAN (_down to back of table_ L.C.). This is not a question of morals or +of art, it's a question of love. + +DINAH. Hear, hear! + +LADY MARDEN (_to_ GEORGE). Isn't it that girl's bed-time yet? + +OLIVIA (_to_ DINAH _and taking her hand_). We'll let her sit up a little +longer if she's good. + +DINAH. I will be good, Olivia (_aggressively to_ LADY MARDEN), only I +thought anybody, however important a debate was, was allowed to say +"Hear, hear!" + +GEORGE (_coming down_ C.). Really, Olivia, I really think we could +discuss this better if Mr. Strange took Dinah out for a walk. Strange, If +you--er---- + +OLIVIA. Tell them what you have settled first, George. + +LADY MARDEN. Settled? What is there to be settled? It settles itself. + +GEORGE (_sadly_). That's just it. + +LADY MARDEN. The marriage must be annulled--is that the word, George? + +GEORGE. I presume so. (_Sits on stool_ C.) + +LADY MARDEN. One's solicitor will know all about that, of course. + +BRIAN. And when the marriage has been annulled, what then? + +LADY MARDEN. Presumably Olivia will return to her husband. + +BRIAN (_bitterly to_ LADY MARDEN). And _that's_ morality! As expounded by +Bishop Landseer! + +GEORGE (_angered, rising and facing_ BRIAN). I don't know what you mean +by Bishop Landseer. Morality is acting in accordance with the Laws of the +Land and the Laws of the Church. I am quite prepared to believe that your +creed embraces neither marriage (DINAH _gives a little cry and bangs a +cushion on settee angrily_) nor monogamy, but my creed is different. + +BRIAN (_fiercely_). My creed includes both marriage and monogamy, and +monogamy means sticking to the woman you love, as long as she wants you. + +LADY MARDEN (_calmly_). You suggest that George and Olivia should go on +living together, although they have never been legally married. Bless the +man, what do you think the County would say? + +BRIAN (_scornfully_). Does it matter? + +DINAH. Well, if you really want to know, the men would say, "Gad, she's a +fine woman; I don't wonder he sticks to her," and the women would say, "I +can't _think_ what he sees in her to stick to her like that," and they'd +both say, "After all, he may be a damn fool, but you can't deny he's a +sportsman." + +(LADY MARDEN _is very indignant_.) + +GEORGE (_indignantly_). Was it for this sort of thing Olivia, that you +insisted on having Dinah and Mr. Strange in here? To insult me in my own +house? + +LADY MARDEN. I can't think what young people are coming to nowadays. + +OLIVIA. I think, dear, you and Brian had better go. + +DINAH (_getting up_). We will go. (_Crossing below_ OLIVIA _and putting +her knee on stool and looking cheekily up into_ GEORGE's _face_.) But I'm +just going to say one thing, Uncle George. Brian and I _are_ going to +marry each other, and when we are married we'll stick to each other, +however many of our dead husbands and wives turn up! Come on, Brian. +(_She goes up_ C. _and through window and goes out indignantly, followed +by_ BRIAN R.) + +(GEORGE _follows them up_.) + +GEORGE. Upon my word, this is a pleasant discussion. + +OLIVIA. I think the discussion is over, George. It is only a question of +where I shall go, while you are bringing your--what sort of suit did you +call it? + +LADY MARDEN (_to_ GEORGE). Nullity suit. I suppose that _is_ the best +thing? + +GEORGE. It's horrible. (_Moving down between stool and_ LADY MARDEN.) The +awful publicity. That it should be happening to _us_, that's what I can't +get over. + +LADY MARDEN. I don't remember anything of the sort in the Marden Family +before, ever. + +GEORGE (_absently_). Lady Fanny. + +LADY MARDEN (_recollecting_). Yes, of course; but that was two hundred +years ago. The standards were different then. (_Rising and going up_ C. +_to_ R.) Besides, it wasn't quite the same, anyhow. + +GEORGE (_absently_). No, it wasn't quite the same. + +LADY MARDEN (_R. of writing-table_). No. We shall all feel it. Terribly. + +GEORGE (_his apology_). If there were any other way! Olivia, what _can_ I +do? It _is_ the only way, isn't it? All that that fellow said--of course, +it sounds very well--but as things are.... (_Crossing towards_ OLIVIA.) +_Is_ there anything in marriage, or isn't there? You believe that there +is, don't you? You aren't one of these Socialists. Well, then, _can_ we +go on living together when you're another man's wife? It isn't only what +people will say, but it _is_ wrong, isn't it?.... And supposing he +doesn't divorce you, are we to go on living together, unmarried, for +_ever_? (LADY MARDEN _turns and listens_.) Olivia, you seem to think that +I'm just thinking of the publicity--what people will say. I'm not. I'm +not. That comes in any way. But I want to do what's right, what's best. I +don't mean what's best for us, what makes us happiest, I mean what's +really best, what's rightest. What anybody else would do in my place. +(OLIVIA _holds out her hands lovingly towards him_.) _I_ don't know. It's +so unfair. You're not my wife at all, but I want to do what's right.... +(_Sits foot of table_ L.C.) Oh, Olivia, Olivia, you do understand, don't +you? + +(_They have both forgotten_ LADY MARDEN. OLIVIA _has never taken her eyes +off him as he makes his last attempt to convince himself_.) + +OLIVIA (_almost tenderly_). So very, very well, George. Oh, I understand +just what you are feeling. And oh, I do so wish that you could--(_with a +little sigh_)--but then it wouldn't be George, not the George I married-- +(_with a rueful little laugh_)--or didn't quite marry. + +LADY MARDEN. I must say, I think you are both talking a little wildly. + +OLIVIA (_repeating it, oh, so tenderly_). Or didn't--quite--marry. + +(_She looks at him with all her heart in her eyes. She is giving him his +last chance to say "Damn Telworthy; you're mine!" He rises and crosses +to_ R. _He struggles desperately with himself, turns to_ OLIVIA.) + +GEORGE. Olivia! Olivia! My darling! + +(_She rises. He crosses to her and takes her in his arms_.) + +(ANNE _enters from double doors_ R.) + +ANNE. Mr. Pim is here, sir. + +OLIVIA (_prompting him_). Mr. Pim, dear. + +GEORGE (_emerging from the struggle with an effort_). Pim? Pim? Oh, ah, +yes, of course. (_Crossing up to_ ANNE.) Mr. Pim. (_Looking up_.) Where +have you put him? + +OLIVIA. I want to see Mr. Pim, too, George. + +LADY MARDEN (_coming down_ C. _to_ R. _of table_ L.C.). Who on earth is +Mr. Pim? + +OLIVIA. Show him in here, Anne. (GEORGE _comes back to_ C.) + +ANNE. Yes, madam. + +(_She goes out double doors_ R.) + +OLIVIA. It was Mr. Pim who told us about my husband. He came across with +him in the boat, and recognized him as the Telworthy he knew in +Australia. + +LADY MARDEN. Oh! Shall I be in the way? (_Moving down to_ R.C.) + +GEORGE. No, no. It doesn't matter, does it, Olivia? + +OLIVIA. Please stay. + +(LADY MARDEN _sits_ R. _settee_.) + +(ANNE _enters at double doors followed by_ MR. PIM.) + +ANNE. Mr. Pim. + +GEORGE (_pulling himself together_). Ah, Mr. Pim! Very good of you to +have come. + +PIM. Oh, not at all! + +GEORGE. The fact is--er--(_It is too much for him; he looks despairingly +at_ OLIVIA.) + +OLIVIA. We're so sorry to trouble you, Mr. Pim. By the way, do you know +Lady Marden? + +PIM (_centre_). No, I haven't the honour. + +GEORGE (_introducing_). My Aunt! Mr. Pim. + +(MR. PIM _and_ LADY MARDEN _bow to each other_.) + +OLIVIA. Do come and sit down, won't you? (_Pim is moving to_ L., _turns +and bumps into_ GEORGE, _who is following him. She makes room for him on +the sofa next to her_.) The fact is, Mr. Pim, you gave us rather a +surprise this morning, and before we had time to realize what it all +meant, you had gone. + +PIM. A surprise, Mrs. Marden? Dear me, not an unpleasant one, I hope? + +OLIVIA. Well, rather a--surprising one. (LADY MARDEN _coughs_.) + +(_Pim sits to_ R. _of_ OLIVIA, _who takes his hat and places it to her_ +L.) + +GEORGE (_turns to_ LADY MARDEN). Olivia, allow me a moment. Mr. Pim, you +mentioned a man called Telworthy this morning. My wife used to (LADY +MARDEN _gives a pronounced cough_)--that is to say, I used to--that is, +there are reasons-- + +OLIVIA. I think we had better be perfectly frank, George. + +LADY MARDEN (_aggressively_). I am sixty-five years of age, Mr. Pim, and +I can say that I've never had a moment's uneasiness by (_beating her knee +with her hand, stick in left hand_) telling the truth. + +(PIM _and_ LADY MARDEN _fix each other with a look_. PIM _then looks at_ +OLIVIA _and_ GEORGE _and leans back on settee_.) + +PIM (_after a desperate effort to keep up with the conversation_). Oh!... +I--er--I'm afraid I am rather at sea. Have I--er--left anything unsaid in +presenting my credentials to you this morning? + +GEORGE _and_ OLIVIA Oh, no! + +PIM. This Telworthy whom you mention--I seem to remember the name-- + +OLIVIA. Mr. Pim, you told us this morning of a man whom you had met on +the boat, a man who had come down in the world, whom you had known in +Sydney. A man called Telworthy. + +PIM (_relieved_). Ah, yes, yes, of course. (_To_ OLIVIA.) I did say +Telworthy, didn't I? Most curious coincidence, Lady Marden. Poor man, +poor man! Let me see, it must have been ten years ago-- + +GEORGE. Just a moment, Mr. Pim. You're quite sure that his name was +Telworthy? + +PIM (_to_ GEORGE). Telworthy--Telworthy--didn't I say Telworthy? Yes, +that was it--Telworthy. Poor fellow! + +OLIVIA. I'm going to be perfectly frank with you, Mr. Pim. I feel quite +sure that I can trust you. + +PIM. Oh, Mrs. Marden! + +OLIVIA. This man Telworthy whom you met is my husband. + +PIM. Your husband! (_He looks in mild surprise at_ GEORGE.) Your--er---- + +OLIVIA. My first husband. His death was announced six years ago. I had +left him some years before that, but there seems no doubt from your story +that he's still alive. His record--the country he comes from--above all, +the very unusual name--Telworthy. + +PIM. Telworthy--yes--certainly a most peculiar name. I remember saying +so. Your first husband? Dear me! Dear me! + +GEORGE. You understand, Mr. Pim, that all this is in absolute confidence. + +PIM (_turning to_ GEORGE). Of course, of course. + +OLIVIA (_pulling his arm, trying to attract his attention_). Well, since +he is my husband, we naturally want to know something about him. Where is +he now, for instance? + +PIM (_surprised and turning to_ OLIVIA). Where is he now? But surely I +told you? I told you what happened at Marseilles? + +GEORGE. At Marseilles? + +PIM (_to_ GEORGE). Yes, yes, poor fellow, it was most unfortunate. (_To_ +LADY MARDEN. OLIVIA _again pulls his arm, trying to attract his +attention_.) You must understand, Lady Marden, that although I had met +the poor fellow before in Australia, I was never in any way intimate---- + +GEORGE (_thumping the desk_). Where is he _now_, that's what we want to +know? + +(MR. PIM _turns to him with a start_.) + +OLIVIA. Please, Mr. Pim! + +PIM (_to_ OLIVIA). Where is he now? But--but didn't I tell you of the +curious fatality at Marseilles--poor fellow--the fish-bone? + +ALL. Fish-bone? + +PIM. Yes, yes, a herring, I understand. + +OLIVIA (_becoming hysterical_). Do you mean he's dead? + +PIM. Dead--of course he's dead. He's been dead---- + +OLIVIA (_laughing hysterically_). Oh, Mr. Pim, you--oh, what a husband to +have--oh, I----(_But that is all she can say for the moment_.) + +LADY MARDEN. Pull yourself together, Olivia. (_To_ PIM.) So he really is +dead this time? + +PIM. Oh, undoubtedly, undoubtedly. A fish-bone lodged in his throat. + +(LADY MARDEN _retreats to settee_ R. _again_.) + +GEORGE (_moving up_ C. _to_ L. _window, trying to realize it_). Dead! +Dead! + +PIM (_rising and turning to_ OLIVIA, _alarmed at her hysteria_). Oh, but, +Mrs. Marden! + +OLIVIA. I think you must excuse me, Mr. Pim. (_Crossing to_ C.) But a +herring! There's something about a herring---- + +(GEORGE _comes quickly to her, very concerned_.) + +(PIM _is also very concerned_.) + +(_Turning to_ GEORGE.) Oh, George! (_Shaking her head in a weak state of +laughter, turns to_ R. _and is about to hurry out of the room towards +staircase_ R.) + +QUICK CURTAIN. + + + + ACT III + + + +SCENE.--_The same and furniture exactly as in_ ACT II. + +(MR. PIM _is below settee_ L. _standing in same position as at the end +of_ ACT II. GEORGE MARDEN _is in centre of stage and_ LADY MARDEN _is at +foot of staircase. Their altitude is the same as at the end of_ ACT II, +_and all are concerned about_ OLIVIA'S _hysteria_.) + +GEORGE. Dead! Dead! + +PIM. Oh dear! Oh dear! I'm afraid I broke the news rather hastily. The +double shock of losing one husband and being restored to another-- + +LADY MARDEN (_coming to_ GEORGE). A dispensation of Providence, George. +One can regard it in no other light. (_Moves to_ R. _of writing-table_.) + +GEORGE (_coming to_ PIM). Yes! Yes! Well, I'm much obliged to you, Mr. +Pim, for having come down to us this afternoon, and you understand that +your news, though tardy, has been very welcome. _De Mortuis_, and so +forth. + +(LADY MARDEN _crosses at back of writing-table to_ L.) + +PIM (_sadly repeating_). _De Mortuis--_ + +GEORGE (_shaking hands--anxious to get rid of him_). Well, good-bye, and +again our thanks. + +(_Crosses below and to_ L. _of_ PIM _and rings bell below fireplace_.) + +PIM (_crossing to centre_). Not at all. I shouldn't have broken the news +so hastily. (_Catches sight of_ LADY MARDEN _up_ L., _and with a profound +bow_.) Good-bye, Lady Marden. + +LADY MARDEN (_equally profound_). Good-bye, Mr. Pim. + +PIM. I'm afraid I broke the news too hastily. (_Goes to table_ B.C. _and +takes up_ GEORGE'S _cap in mistake for his hat and is moving towards +double-doors when_ GEORGE, _noting this, picks up_ PIM'S _hat from_ L. +_of stage where it has been left from previous_ ACT, _and crosses with it +to_ PIM.) + +GEORGE. Mr. Pim, excuse me, but I think this is yours. + +PIM (_he takes it and looks at it closely, comparing it with the cap_). +This isn't my hat at all. (_Puts_ GEORGE'S _cap down on table again_.) + +No, that isn't my hat. (_Takes his own hat from_ GEORGE.) This is my hat. +Good-bye! (_Shakes hands_.) Thank you so much. (_Looking at cap on +table_.) Oh, no! Oh, no! (_Moves nearer to door_ R.) Telworthy... I +_think_ that was the name. + +(_Exit doors_ R.) + +(LADY MARDEN, _annoyed at_ PIM'S _stupidity, comes down to_ L. _of_ +GEORGE.) + +GEORGE (_turning to_ LADY MARDEN _and with a sigh of thankfulness_). +Well, this is wonderful news, Aunt Julia. + +LADY MARDEN. Most providential. Well, I must be getting along now, +George. Say good-bye to Olivia for me. + +GEORGE (_crossing towards double-doors as if to open them_). Good-bye, +Aunt Julia. + +LADY MARDEN. No! No! I'll go this way--(_going up to_ L. _of +writing-table_)--and get Olivia out more, George. I don't like these +hysterics. (_Banging writing-table_.) You want to be firmer with her. + +GEORGE. Yes! Yes! Good-bye. + +LADY MARDEN (_going off up_ L.). Good-bye. + +GEORGE (_back again down centre and with great thankfulness_). Dead! +Dead! (_Moves down to below settee_ L.) + +(OLIVIA _enters from staircase, watching him and coming quietly to_ C.) + +GEORGE (_approaching her enthusiastically_). Olivia! Olivia! (_Is about +to embrace her, but she restrains him_.) + +OLIVIA (_drawing herself up_). Mrs. Telworthy! + +GEORGE (_taken aback_). What? Olivia! I--I don't understand. + +OLIVIA. Well, darling, if my husband only died at Marseilles a few days +ago---- + +GEORGE (_scratching his head_). Yes, I see--I see. Well, we can soon put +that right. (_Moving to_ L.) A registry office in London. Better go up +this afternoon. We can't do these things too quickly--we can stay at an +hotel. + +OLIVIA (_pointedly_). You and Mrs. Telworthy! (_Moves slowly round back +of settee_ L.) + +(GEORGE _moves to centre_.) + +GEORGE (_nonplussed_). Oh--er--yes--yes--perhaps I'd better stay at my +Club--yes! It will be a bit awkward at first. (_With a sigh of relief_.) +However, nobody need know, and how much better than what we feared! + +(OLIVIA _comes down to below settee_ L.) + +GEORGE (_advancing to embrace her_). Olivia! Olivia! + +(_She repulses him and he crosses to her_ L.) + +OLIVIA. Mrs. Telworthy! + +GEORGE. Yes--yes, I know, but why do you keep on saying it? What's the +matter with you? You're so strange to-day. You're not like the Olivia I +know. + +OLIVIA (_sits on settee to_ R.). Perhaps you don't know me so very well, +after all. + +GEORGE (_sitting--affectionately to her_ L.). Oh, that's nonsense--old +girl. You're just my Olivia. Now we can get married again quietly and +nobody will be any the worse. + +OLIVIA. Married again! Oh, I see, you want me to marry you at a registry +office to-morrow? + +GEORGE. If we can arrange it by then. (_Rising and crossing below_ OLIVIA +_to centre_.) I don't know how long these things take, but I should +imagine there would be no difficulty. + +OLIVIA. Oh, no, I think that part of it ought to be quite _easy_. But-- +(_She hesitates_.) + +GEORGE. But what? + +OLIVIA. Well, if you want to marry me to-morrow, George, oughtn't you to +propose to me first? + +GEORGE (_amazed_). Propose? + +OLIVIA. Yes. It is usual, isn't it, to propose to a person before you +marry her? And--and we want to do the usual thing, don't we? + +GEORGE (_upset_). But you--I mean we-- + +OLIVIA. You are George Marden, I am Olivia Telworthy, you are attracted +by me and think I would make you a good wife, and you want to marry me-- +very well, then, naturally you propose to me first. + +GEORGE (_falling into the humour of it, as he thinks, and with a hearty +laugh moves to below stool_ L.C.). The baby! Did she want to be proposed +to all over again? + +OLIVIA (_coyly_). Well, she did rather. + +GEORGE (_rather fancying himself as an actor, he adopts what he considers +to be an appropriate attitude_). She shall then. Er--ah, Mrs. Telworthy, +I have long admired you in silence, and the time has now come to put my +admiration into words (_but apparently he finds a difficulty_)--er--er-- + +OLIVIA (_looking up at him quizzically and prompting him into words; +repeating_). I--I--(_Looking down coyly_.) Oh, Mr. Marden! + +(GEORGE _roars with laughter and crosses to centre_.) + +GEORGE (_returning to her_). Olivia--er--may I call you Olivia? + +OLIVIA. Yes, George. + +(OLIVIA _puts out her hand and_ GEORGE _notices it_.) + +GEORGE. I beg your pardon! Oh, I see. (_Taking her hand in his he gives +it a good slap and she winces_.) Olivia, I--(_Hesitates_.) + +OLIVIA. I don't want to interrupt, but oughtn't you to be on your knees? +It is--usual, I believe. GEORGE. Really, Olivia, you must allow me to +manage my own proposal in my own way. + +OLIVIA (_meekly--and resuming her coyness_). I'm sorry. Do go on. + +GEORGE. Well--er--confound it, Olivia, I love you. Will you marry me? + +OLIVIA. Thank you, George, I will think it over. + +GEORGE (_laughing_). Silly girl. (_Pats her on the shoulder and crosses +to_ R.) Well, then, to-morrow morning. No wedding cake, I'm afraid, +Olivia. (_He laughs again and moves up centre_.) But we'll go and have a +good lunch somewhere. + +OLIVIA. I will think it over, George. + +GEORGE (_good-humouredly and coming down to back of settee to her_ R.). +Well, give me a kiss while you're thinking. + +OLIVIA. I'm afraid you mustn't kiss me until we are actually engaged. + +GEORGE (_laughing uneasily, and sitting and leaning over on table_ L.C. +_towards_ OLIVIA). Oh, we needn't take it as seriously as all that. + +OLIVIA. But a woman must take a proposal seriously. + +GEORGE (_a little alarmed at last_). What do you mean? + +OLIVIA. Well, what I mean is that the whole question--(_with a sly look +at_ GEORGE)--as I heard somebody say once, demands much more anxious +thought than either of us has given it. These hasty marriages---- + +GEORGE (_rising and crossing at back of_ OLIVIA _round settee and to_ L. +_of_ OLIVIA). Hasty! + +OLIVIA. Well, you've only just proposed to me, and you want me to marry +you to-morrow. + +GEORGE. Now you're talking perfect nonsense, Olivia. You know quite well +that our case is utterly different from--well--from any other. + +OLIVIA. All the same, one must ask oneself questions. With a young girl +like--well, with a young girl--love may well seem to be all that matters. +But with a woman of my age it is different. I have to ask myself whether +you can afford to support a wife. + +GEORGE. You know perfectly well that I can afford to support a wife as my +wife should be supported. + +OLIVIA. Oh, I am glad. Then your income--you are not really worried about +that at all? + +GEORGE (_stiffly_). You know perfectly well what my income is. I see no +reason for anxiety, in the future. + +OLIVIA. Ah, very well, then we needn't think about it any more. + +GEORGE. You know I can't make out what you're up to. (_Sits to her_ L. +_on settee_.) Don't you want to get married--to--er--legalize this +extraordinary situation in which we are placed? + +OLIVIA. I must consider the whole question very carefully. I can't just +jump at the very first offer I have had since my husband died. (_Rising +and crossing to centre_.) + +GEORGE. Oh, so I'm under consideration, eh? + +OLIVIA (_moving up_ R.C.). Every suitor is. + +GEORGE. Oh, very well, go on! Go on! + +OLIVIA. Well then, there's your niece. You have a niece living with you. +Of course Dinah is a delightful girl, but one doesn't like marrying into +a household where there's another grown-up woman. But perhaps she will be +getting married herself soon. + +GEORGE. I see no prospect of it. + +OLIVIA. It would make it so much easier, George, if she did. + +GEORGE (_rising_). Is this a threat, Olivia? (_Crossing up to_ OLIVIA.) +Are you telling me that if I do not allow young Strange to marry Dinah, +you will not marry me? + +OLIVIA. A threat? Oh, no, George. But I was just wondering if you love me +as much as Brian loves Dinah. You do love me? + +GEORGE (_from his heart_). Of course I do, old girl. + +OLIVIA. You're sure it's not just my pretty face that attracts you. Love +which is based upon mere outward appearances cannot result in lasting +happiness--as one of our thinkers has observed. (_Moving down to settee_ +R.) + +GEORGE. Why should you doubt my love? You can't pretend that we haven't +been happy together. (OLIVIA _sits on settee_ R.) I've--(_taking a chair +from_ L. _of table_ R.C. _brings it down to_ L. _of_ OLIVIA) I've been a +good pal to you, eh? We--we suit each other, old girl. + +OLIVIA. Do we? + +GEORGE (_sitting_). Well, of course we do. + +OLIVIA. I wonder. When two people of our age think of getting married, +one wants to be quite sure that there is real community of ideas between +them. Supposing that after we have been married some years we found +ourselves getting estranged from each other upon such questions as +Dinah's future, or the comparatively trivial matter like the right colour +for a curtain, or the advice to be given to a friend who had innocently +contracted a bigamous marriage. Think how bitterly we should regret our +hasty plunge into a matrimony which was no true partnership, whether of +tastes or ideas or even of consciences. (_With a sigh_.) Ah me! + +GEORGE (_turning to her quickly_). Unfortunately for your argument, +Olivia, I can answer you out of your own mouth. You seem to have-- +(_laughing_)--forgotten what you said this morning in the case of--er-- +young Strange. + +OLIVIA (_with exaggerated reproach_). Oh, but is it quite fair, George, +to drag up _what was said this morning_? + +GEORGE (_enjoying his apparent success_). Ha ha! You've brought it on +yourself. + +OLIVIA. I?... Well, and what did I say this morning? + +GEORGE. You said that it was quite enough that Strange was a gentleman +and in love with Dinah for me to let them marry each other. + +OLIVIA. Oh! But is that enough, George? + +GEORGE (_triumphantly_). Well, you said so. + +OLIVIA (_meekly_). Well, George, if you think so too, I'm quite willing +to risk it. + +GEORGE (_kindly, rising and putting back chair up_ R.C.). Ha ha, my dear! +You see! + +OLIVIA. Then you _do_ think it's enough? + +GEORGE. I--er--yes, yes, I--I think so. + +OLIVIA (_rising and going to him and putting her hands on his +shoulders_). My darling one! How jolly! Then we can have a double +wedding. + +GEORGE (_astonished_). A double one! + +OLIVIA. Yes, you and me, Brian and Dinah. + +GEORGE (_firmly, and taking her hands from his shoulders_). Now look +here, Olivia, understand once and for all, I am not to be blackmailed +into giving my consent to Dinah's engagement. Neither blackmailed nor +tricked. (_Crossing to_ L. _below settee_.) Our marriage has nothing +whatever to do with Dinah's. + +OLIVIA. No, dear, I quite understand. They may take place about the same +time, but they have nothing whatever to do with each other. + +GEORGE (_sits on foot of table_ L.C.). I see no prospect of Dinah's +marriage taking place for many years. + +OLIVIA. No, dear, that was what I said. + +GEORGE (_not understanding for the moment_). You said----? I see. +(_Turning and facing her_.) Now look here, Olivia, let us have this +perfectly clear. You apparently insist on treating my--er--proposal as +serious. + +OLIVIA (_mock surprise_). But isn't it? Have you been trifling with me? + +GEORGE. You know perfectly well what I mean. You treat it as an ordinary +proposal for a man to a woman who have never been anything to each other +before. Very well then, will you kindly tell me what you propose to do if +you decide to--ah--accept me? You do not suggest that we should go on +living together--unmarried? + +OLIVIA (_shocked_). Of course not, George!! What would--(_pausing for +additional explanation_)--the County--I mean Heaven--I mean the Law--I +mean--of course not. Besides, it's so unnecessary. If I decide to accept +you, of _course_ I shall marry you. + +GEORGE. Quite so. And if you--ah--decide to refuse me, what will you do? + +OLIVIA. Nothing. + +GEORGE. Meaning by that? + +OLIVIA. Just that, George. I shall stay here--just as before. + +(GEORGE _rises and approaches her, about to expostulate_.) + +I like this house. (_Crossing below_ GEORGE, _looking about the room to +below settee_ L.) It wants a little redecorating, but I do like it, +George... Yes, I shall be perfectly happy here! (_Sits on settee_.) + +GEORGE. I see. You will continue to live down here--in spite of what you +said just now about the--the immorality of it. + +OLIVIA (_surprised_). But what is there immoral in a widow living alone +in a big country house--with perhaps the niece of a dear friend of hers-- +staying with her to keep her company. + +GEORGE (_sarcastic_). Oh, and pray what shall I be doing when you've so +very kindly taken possession of my house for me? + +OLIVIA. You! Oh, I can't _think_! Travelling, I expect. + +GEORGE (_indignant and advancing to her_). Thank you! And suppose I +refuse to be turned out of my own house? + +OLIVIA. Then, seeing that we can't both be in it, it looks as though +you'd have to turn me out. (_To herself_.) There must be legal ways of +doing these things. You'd have to consult your solicitor again. + +GEORGE. Legal ways? + +OLIVIA. Well, you couldn't just throw me out, could you? You'd have to +get an injunction against me-- + +(GEORGE, _very annoyed, turns away_.) + +--or prosecute me for trespass--or something. Of course I shouldn't go if +I could help it, I like the house so much.... It would make an awfully +unusual case, wouldn't it? The papers would be full of it. + +GEORGE. The papers! + +OLIVIA (_calling as paper boy_). Extra special! Widow of well-known +ex-convict takes possession of J.P.'s house! Special! Special! + +GEORGE (_angrily_). I've had enough of this. (_Coming to table_ L.C. _and +speaking across_.) Do you mean all this nonsense? + +OLIVIA. Well, what I _do_ mean _is_, that I am in no hurry to go up to +London and get married. I love the country just now, and--(_with a +sigh_)--after this morning, I'm--rather tired of husbands. + +GEORGE (_in a rage_). I've never heard so much--damned (_bangs table_) +... nonsense in my life. _I will leave you to come back to your senses._ + +(_He goes out, up staircase up_ R.) + +(OLIVIA _rises and crosses to centre, watching_ GEORGE _off. She kisses +her hands to him, then turning to_ L. _sees curtains and work-box and +extending her arms in ecstasy goes to cabinet, takes them up and comes +down_ L. OLIVIA _sits on settee with curtains in her lap and places the +work-box to her_ L. _on settee, and as she does so_ MR. PIM _enters from +up_ R. _through windows and coming to_ R. _of writing-table taps it with +his umbrella to attract_ OLIVIA'S _attention. She turns and sees him. He +looks nervously round at staircase_ R. _fearing the return of_ GEORGE.) + +PIM (_in a whisper_). Er--may I come in, Mrs. Marden? + +OLIVIA (_in surprise_). Mr. Pim! + +PIM (_anxiously and again looking round at staircase_). Mr. Marden is-- +er--not here? + +OLIVIA (_getting up_). No! Do you want to see him? I will---- + +PIM (_another look round at staircase and moving down centre_). No, no, +no! Not for the world. There is no immediate danger of his returning, +Mrs. Marden? + +OLIVIA (_surprised_). No, I don't think so, Mr. Pim. (_Puts down +curtains_). But... what is it? You---- + +PIM. I took the liberty of returning by the window in the hope of finding +you alone. + +OLIVIA (_sitting again_). Yes? + +PIM (_still rather nervous and throwing up his arms in distress_). Mr. +Marden will be so angry with me, and very rightly. Oh, I blame myself. I +blame myself entirely. I don't know how I can have been so stupid. (_Sits +on stool_ L.C. _very concerned_). + +OLIVIA. What is it, Mr. Pim? My first husband hasn't come to life again, +has he? + +PIM. No! No! No! (_Looking round to_ R. _and speaking very mysteriously +across table_ L.C.) The fact is--his name was Pelwittle. + +OLIVIA (_at a loss_). Whose? My husband's? + +PIM. Yes, yes. Henry Pelwittle, poor fellow. + +OLIVIA. But _my_ husband's name was Telworthy. + +PIM. No! Oh dear, no! Pelwittle. (_Firmly_.) It came back to me suddenly +just as I reached the gate--Henry Pelwittle, poor fellow. + +OLIVIA. But really, Mr. Pim, I ought to know. + +PIM. No! No! Pelwittle. + +OLIVIA. But who is Pelwittle? + +PIM (_in surprise at her stupidity_). The man I told you about, who met +with the sad fatality at Marseilles. Henry Pelwittle.... (_With hand on +chin, thinking deeply_.) Or was it _Ernest_? No! _Henry_ Pelwittle, poor +fellow. + +OLIVIA (_indignantly_). But, Mr. Pim, you said his name was Telworthy. +How could you? + +PIM. Oh, I blame myself, I blame myself entirely. + +OLIVIA. But how could you _think_ of a name like Telworthy if it wasn't +Telworthy? + +PIM (_eagerly_). Ah, ah, that is the really interesting thing about the +whole matter. + +OLIVIA (_reproachfully_). Yes, Mr. Pim, all your visits here to-day have +been very interesting. + +PIM. Oh, very interesting, very interesting, You see, Mrs. Marden, when I +made my first appearance here this morning I was received by--Miss Diana, +who---- + +OLIVIA. Dinah! + +PIM. I beg your pardon? + +OLIVIA. Dinah. Her name is Dinah! + +PIM (_pauses_). You're quite right. Dinah--oh yes. Miss Dinah, yes. She +was in--er--rather a communicative mood, and I suppose by way of passing +the time she mentioned that before your marriage--to Mr. Marden you had +been a Mrs.--er---- + +OLIVIA. Telworthy. + +PIM. Telworthy, yes, of course. She also mentioned Australia. Now by some +curious process of the brain--which strikes me as decidedly curious--when +I was trying to recollect--the name of the poor fellow on the boat, whom +you will remember I had also met in Australia, the fact that this other +name was also stored in my memory, a name equally peculiar--this fact I +say---- + +OLIVIA (_seeing that the sentence is rapidly going to pieces_). Yes, I +quite understand. + +PIM. I blame myself, I blame myself entirely. + +OLIVIA. Oh, you mustn't do that, Mr. Pim. + +PIM. Oh, but, Mrs. Marden, can you forgive me for the needless distress I +have caused you to-day? + +OLIVIA. Oh, you mustn't worry about that, please. + +PIM. And you will tell your husband--you'll break the news to him? + +OLIVIA (_amazed_). Oh, yes! I'll break the _news_ to him. + +PIM (_rising and holding out his hand_). Well then, I think before he +comes back I will say good-bye and--er---- + +OLIVIA (_rising_). Just a moment, Mr. Pim. Let us have it quite clear +this time. You never knew my husband Jacob Telworthy? + +PIM. No! + +OLIVIA. You never met him in Australia? + +PIM. No! + +OLIVIA. You never saw him on the boat? + +PIM. No! + +OLIVIA. And nothing _whatever happened to him at Marseilles?_ + +PIM. No! + +OLIVIA. Is that right? + +PIM (_hesitating and thinking it out very deeply_). I think so. + +OLIVIA. Very well, then, since his death was announced in Australia six +years ago, he is presumably still dead? + +PIM. Undoubtedly. + +OLIVIA (_holding out her hand with a charming smile_). Then good-bye, +Mr. Pim, and thank you so much for--for all your trouble. + +PIM. Not at all, Mrs. Marden. I blame myself, I blame myself entirely. + +OLIVIA. Oh! You mustn't do that. + +(_Going up centre_ PIM _meets_ DINAH, _who enters from the window +up L., crosses at back of writing-table and comes down R. of him_). + +(DINAH is followed by BRIAN, who is on her R.). + +DINAH. Hullo, there's Mr. Pim. (_To_ BRIAN.) + +PIM (_nervously looking at the door in case_ MR. MARDEN _should +come in_). Yes, yes I--er-- + +DINAH. Oh, Mr. Pim, you mustn't run away without even saying +how-do-you-do! Are you staying to tea? + +PIM (_looking off at staircase nervously_). I'm afraid I-- + +OLIVIA. Mr. Pim has to hurry away, Dinah. You mustn't keep him. + +DINAH. Well, but you'll come back again? + +PIM. I fear that I am only a passer-by, Miss--er--Dinah. + +OLIVIA. You can take Mr. Pim as far as the gate. + +PIM (_gratefully to_ OLIVIA). Thank you. (_With nervous look +at staircase R., he edges towards the windows._) If you would +be so kind, Miss Dinah--. + +DINAH (_taking his arm_). Come along then, Mr. Pim. + +BRIAN. I'll catch you up. + +DINAH (_taking him up L._). I want to hear all about your first wife. + +PIM. Oh, but I haven't got a first wife. + +DINAH. You haven't really told me anything yet. + +(_They go off up L._) + +BRIAN. I'll catch you up. + +(OLIVIA _resumes her work, and_ BRIAN _crosses down to foot of +table L.C., and sits on it._) + +BRIAN (_awkwardly_). I just wanted to say, if you don't think it cheek, +that I'm--I'm on your side, if I may be and if I can help you at all, +I shall be very proud of being allowed to. + +OLIVIA (_looking up at him and taking his hand_). Brian, you dear, +that's sweet of you. But it's quite all right now, you know. + +BRIAN. What? + +OLIVIA. Yes, that's what Mr. Pim came back to say. He'd made a +mistake about the name-- + +BRIAN (_rising_). Good Lord! + +OLIVIA (_smiling_). George is the only husband I have. + +BRIAN (_surprised_). What? You mean that the whole thing that Pim-- + +OLIVIA (_repeating_). The whole thing. + +BRIAN (_crossing up to window R. and shouting off to L. and +with conviction_). Silly ass! + +OLIVIA (_kindly_). Oh, no, no, I'm sure he didn't mean to be. (_After a +pause_.) Brian, do you know anything about the law? + +BRIAN (_coming down_ C.). The law? I'm afraid not. I hate the law. Why? +(_Sits at foot of table_ L.C.) + +OLIVIA. Well, I was just wondering. Suppose that George and I had +accidentally married each other a second time thinking that the first +marriage wasn't quite right, and then we found the first marriage was all +right--well---- + +BRIAN. What on earth do you mean? + +OLIVIA. Well, what I mean is that there's nothing wrong in marrying the +same person twice? + +BRIAN (_rising and moving to centre, thinking it out_). Oh, no. A hundred +times if you like, I should think. + +OLIVIA. Oh! + +BRIAN. After all, in France they always go through it twice, don't they? +Once before the Mayor or somebody, and once in church. + +OLIVIA. Of course they do! How silly of me. You know, that's a very good +idea. They ought to do that more in England. + +BRIAN. Well, once will be enough for Dinah and me, if you can work it. +(_Anxiously_.) D'you think there's any chance, Olivia? + +OLIVIA (_smiling_). Every chance, dear. + +BRIAN (_coming to above table_ L.C.). I say, do you really? Have you +squared him? I mean has he---- + +(GEORGE _is heard humming the tune of "Pop goes the weasel" off_ R.) + +OLIVIA. You go and catch them up now. We'll talk about it later on. + +BRIAN. Bless you. Right-o! + +(_Going up_ L. _and off up_ L.) + +(_As he goes out by the windows,_ GEORGE _comes in at the doors_ R. +GEORGE _stands_ R.C., _and then turns to_ OLIVIA, _who is absorbed in her +curtain. He walks up and down the room, fidgeting with things, waiting +for her to speak. As she says nothing, he begins to talk himself, but in +an obviously unconcerned way. There is a pause after each answer of hers, +before he gets out his next remark_.) + +GEORGE (_casually_). Good-looking fellow, Strange. What? + +OLIVIA (_equally casually_). Brian, yes, isn't he? And such a nice boy. + +GEORGE. Yes, yes! (_Catching sight of curtain she is sewing. Hums the +tune of "Pop goes the weasel"--crossing down_ R. _to piano, plays a few +notes of "Pop goes the weasel" with one finger_.) Got fifty pounds for a +picture the other day, didn't he? (_Moving up stage a little_.) + +OLIVIA. Ah, yes! Of course he has only just begun---- + +GEORGE. The critics think well of him, (_Slight pause_.) What? + +(_Up C. by chair front of writing-table_.) + +OLIVIA. They all say he has genius. Oh, I don't think there's any doubt +about it. (_Pause_.) + +(GEORGE _left of writing-table_.) + +GEORGE. No, no! (_Slight pause, and he sings again_.) Of course I don't +profess to know anything about painting, myself. + +OLIVIA. You've never had time to take it up, dear. + +GEORGE (_coming down_ L. _a little_.) No! No! Of course I know what I +like. Can't say I see much in this new-fangled stuff. If a man can paint, +why can't he paint like--like Rubens, or--or Reynolds, or---- + +OLIVIA. I suppose we all have our own styles. Brian will be finding his, +directly. Of course, he's only just beginning. (_Pause_.) + +GEORGE (_crossing up centre_). Yes, yes. But the critics think a lot of +him, what? + +OLIVIA. Oh, yes. + +GEORGE. Yes! H'm! (_Pause_.) Good-looking fellow. + +(_There is rather a longer silence this time._ GEORGE _coming round back +of settee L. continues to hope that he is appearing casual and +unconcerned--he stands looking at_ OLIVIA'S _work for a moment_.) + +GEORGE (_down_ L.). Nearly finished 'em? + +OLIVIA. Very nearly. (_Smiling to herself, turns away to R., pretending +to look for scissors_.) Have you seen my scissors anywhere? + +GEORGE (_looking round_). Scissors? + +OLIVIA (_turns to_ L. _and finds them in her work-box_). It's all right, +here they are---- + +GEORGE (_down_ L. _below chair facing_ OLIVIA). Where are you thinking of +hanging 'em? + +OLIVIA (_as if really wondering_). I don't quite know.... I _had_ thought +of this room, but--I'm not quite sure. + +GEORGE (_crossing below_ OLIVIA _to centre_). Ah! Yes! Brighten the room +up a bit. + +OLIVIA. Yes. + +GEORGE (_walking up centre a little towards windows_). H'm, yes----They +are a bit faded. + +OLIVIA (_shaking out hers, and looking at them critically_). You know, +sometimes I think I love them, and sometimes I'm not quite sure. + +GEORGE. Best way is to hang 'em up and see how you like 'em. Always take +'em down again. + +OLIVIA. Oh, that's a good idea, George. + +GEORGE. Best way. + +OLIVIA. Yes.... I think we might try that--(_looking round at settee and +carpets, etc_.)--the only thing is--(_She hesitates_.) + +GEORGE. What? + +OLIVIA. Well, the carpets and the chair-covers and the cushions and +things-- + +GEORGE. Well, what about 'em? + +OLIVIA. Well, if we had new curtains-- + +GEORGE. You'd want a new carpet, eh? + +OLIVIA (_doubtfully_). Well, _new chair-covers, anyhow._ + +GEORGE. H'm!... Well, why not? + +OLIVIA. Oh, but-- + +GEORGE (_with an awkward laugh_). We're not so hard up as all that, you +know. + +OLIVIA (_quickly_). No, I don't suppose we are really-- + +GEORGE. No, no, no, yes--I mean no. + +OLIVIA (_thoughtfully_). I suppose it would mean that I should have to go +up to London to choose them. You know, that's rather a nuisance. + +GEORGE (_extremely casual and moving towards_ OLIVIA). Oh, I don't know. +We might go up together one day. + +OLIVIA. Well, of course if we _were_ up--for anything else-- + +GEORGE (_moving away dubiously_). Yes, yes! That's what I meant. + +(_There is another silence_. GEORGE _is wondering whether to come to +closer quarters with the great question_.) + +OLIVIA. Oh, by the way, George-- + +GEORGE. Yes? + +OLIVIA (_innocently_). I told Brian, and of course he'll tell Dinah, that +Mr. Pim had made a mistake about the name. + +GEORGE (_astonished, moving towards_ OLIVIA). Mistake about the name? + +OLIVIA. Yes--I told Brian that the whole thing was a mistake, I thought +that was the simplest way. + +GEORGE. Olivia--(_crossing below and to her_ L.)--then you mean that +Brian and Dinah think that--that we have been married all the time? + +OLIVIA. Yes. + +GEORGE (_coming closer to her_). Olivia, does that mean that you are +thinking of marrying me? + +OLIVIA. At your old registry office? + +GEORGE (_eagerly_). Yes! + +OLIVIA. To-morrow? + +GEORGE. Yes. + +OLIVIA. Do you want me to very much? + +GEORGE. My darling, you know I do. + +OLIVIA. We should have to keep it very quiet, George. + +GEORGE. Well, of course--(_sitting to her_ L.)--nobody need know. We +don't want anybody to know. And now that you've put Brian and Dinah off +the scent, by telling them that--(_he breaks off and says admiringly_)-- +that was very clever of you, Olivia. I should never have thought of that. + +OLIVIA (_innocently_). George--you don't think it was _wrong_, do you? + +GEORGE (_his verdict, taking her hands and patting them_). An innocent +deception... perfectly harmless. + +OLIVIA. Yes, dear, that was what I thought about--about--(_laughing to +herself_) what I was doing. + +GEORGE. Then you will come up to London to-morrow? + +(_She nods_.) + +And if we should see a carpet or anything else we want---- + +OLIVIA. Oh, George! + +GEORGE (_beaming, rising and backing away to_ L. _a little_). And lunch +at the Carlton, what? + +OLIVIA (_nodding eagerly_). Oh! + +GEORGE. And--and a bit of a honeymoon in Paris? + +OLIVIA. Oh, what fun! + +GEORGE (_hungrily_). Give me a kiss, old girl. + +OLIVIA (_lovingly_). George! + +(_She holds up her cheek to him. He kisses it, and then suddenly takes +her in his arms_.) + +GEORGE. Don't ever leave me, old girl. + +OLIVIA (_affectionately_). Don't ever send me away, old boy. + +GEORGE (_fervently_). I won't. (_Awkwardly_.) I--I don't think I _should +have_ really, you know. I--I---- + +(DINAH _enters from up_ L. _and crosses at back of writing-table and +round down_ R. BRIAN _follows her_.) + +DINAH (_seeing the embrace, surprised_). Oo--I say! + +(GEORGE _looks and feels rather a fool_.) + +GEORGE. Hallo! + +(OLIVIA _sits, resumes sewing_.) + +DINAH (_coming down centre and going below settee_ L., _impetuously to +him_). Give me one, too, George. Brian won't mind. + +GEORGE (_formally, but enjoying it_). Do you mind, Mr. Strange? + +BRIAN (_a little uncomfortable_). Oh, I say, sir---- + +GEORGE. We'll risk it, Dinah. (_He kisses her_.) + +DINAH (_triumphantly to_ BRIAN _and standing above_ GEORGE). Did you +notice that one? That wasn't just an ordinary affectionate kiss. That was +a special "bless you my children" one. (_To_ GEORGE.) Wasn't it? + +OLIVIA. You do talk nonsense, darling. + +DINAH (_crossing quickly below and to_ R. _of_ BRIAN). Well, I'm so happy +now that Pim has relented about your first husband--(GEORGE _catches_ +OLIVIA'S _eye and smiles; she smiles back; but they are different +smiles_.) + +GEORGE (_the actor_). Yes, yes, stupid fellow, Pim, what? + +BRIAN. Yes. Absolute idiot, I think! + +DINAH. And now that George has relented about--(_with a significant look +at_ BRIAN)--_my_ first husband---- + +GEORGE. Here, you get on much too quickly. (_Crossing below_ OLIVIA _to_ +BRIAN.) So you want to marry my Dinah, eh? + +BRIAN (_with a smile_). Well, I do rather, sir. + +GEORGE (_to_ BRIAN). Well, you'd better have a talk with me about it--er-- +(_with a sly look at_ OLIVIA)--Brian. + +BRIAN. Thank you very much, sir. + +(GEORGE _goes up and_ BRIAN, _imitating his walk, accompanies him_.) + +GEORGE. Well, come along then. (BRIAN _looks at his watch_.) I am going +up to town after tea, so we'd better---- + +DINAH (_moving up to_ R. _of_ BRIAN). I say, are you going to London? + +GEORGE (_with a sly look at_ OLIVIA). Yes, a little business. + +DINAH (_cheekily_). Eh? + +GEORGE. Never you mind, young woman. (_To_ BRIAN.) Come along, we'll +stroll down and look at the pigs. + +BRIAN. Right-o! + +(_They are going off to_ L. _when_ OLIVIA _calls_.) + +OLIVIA. George, don't go too far away; I may want you. + +GEORGE. All right! I'll be out on the terrace. Give me a shout if you +want me. + +(GEORGE _and_ BRIAN _go off at windows up_ L.) + +(DINAH _follows up_ R. _and watches them off_.) + +DINAH (_watching them off_). Brian and George always discuss me in front +of the pigs. So tactless of them. I say, are you going to London, too, +darling? (_Coming down to table_ L.C.) + +OLIVIA. To-morrow----(_Rising and shaking out curtains_.) + +DINAH. What are you going to do in London? + +OLIVIA. Oh, shopping and--one or two little things. + +DINAH. With George? + +OLIVIA. Yes. (_Crossing up centre below_ DINAH _with curtains_.) + +DINAH (_sits on table_ L.C.). I say, wasn't it lovely about Pim? + +OLIVIA. Lovely? + +DINAH. Yes, he told me all about it. Making such a hash of things, I +mean. + +OLIVIA (_innocently_). Did he make a hash of things? + +DINAH. Well, I mean keeping on coming like that. And if you look at it +all round--well, for all he had to say, he needn't have come at all. + +OLIVIA. Well, I don't think I should put it quite like that, Dinah. + +DINAH (_referring to curtains_). I say, aren't they jolly? + +OLIVIA. I'm so glad everybody likes them. Tell George I'm ready, dear. + +DINAH. I say, is _he_ going to put them up for you? + +OLIVIA. Well, I thought perhaps he could reach better. + +DINAH. All right, I'll tell him. (_Crossing up_ L. _on to terrace and +calling off_.) George! (_Returning to back_ L. _end of writing-table_.) +Brian is just telling George about the five shillings he has in the Post +Office--(_crossing up_ L. _on to terrace again and calling off_.) +George!! + +GEORGE (_from off_ L.). Coming! + +DINAH (_playfully coming down centre, imitating a fairy's footsteps_). +Slow music while the curtains go up. (_Sits at piano and plays "As I +passed by your Window.")_ + +(_GEORGE enters from up_ L., _followed by_ BRIAN.) + +GEORGE (_to_ OLIVIA). What is it, darling? + +OLIVIA. I wish you'd help me to put up these curtains? + +GEORGE. Of course, dear. I'd better get the library steps. (_Crosses to +doors R. and exits_.) + +(BRIAN _goes quickly to OLIVIA and gratefully kisses her hand, then comes +down to DINAH and bows to her_.) + +BRIAN. Madam! I have the honour to inform you that hence-forward you are +at liberty to regard me as your affianced husband. + +DINAH (_rising quickly and advancing_). Darling! + +BRIAN (_waving her back_). No! No! Stay there! (_She retreats and sits at +piano_.) Go on playing. + +(DINAH _goes on playing and he takes out a sketch-book, sits on settee +and sketches her_.) + +DINAH. What is it? + +(OLIVIA _comes down centre, watching them_.) + +BRIAN. Portrait of Lady Strange. + +(_GEORGE enters from doors_ R. _with steps and crossing up R. places them +near_ R. _window_.) + +OLIVIA (_she hands him the curtains and goes up L. of writing table and +round back, watching_ GEORGE). Are you ready, dear? + +GEORGE (_mounting the steps_). Yes, quite ready. + +OLIVIA. There! (_The curtains become entangled and he nearly falls_.) Oh, +take care, dear! + +GEORGE (_again mounting steps_). Oh, that's all right, dear. They're a +little long. (_The curtains become entangled round his head_.) + +(MR. PIM _enters mysteriously from up_ L.) + +(OLIVIA _is looking up at_ GEORGE.) + +(PIM _touches her on the shoulder and with a start she turns to him_. +DINAH _seeing him enter stops playing. OLIVIA, unwilling to attract_ +GEORGE'S _attention, signals to_ DINAH _to continue playing, and, she +does so_.) + +PIM. Mrs. Marden! I _had_ to come back--I've just remembered his name was +_Ernest_ Polwittle--not _Henry_! (_Going off up_ L.) Not Henry! + +(DINAH _plays forte_.) + +QUICK CURTAIN. + + + +SCENE PLOT + + + +_Oak panelled chamber_, with deep decorative frieze. + +_Ceiling cloth_, painted with carved oak beams. + +_Fireplace_.--Large open stone fireplace decorated all over with +flutings and carved stone. + +_Doors_.--Heavy oak doors down R. to open off. + +_Windows_.--C. windows (French windows) opening on stage from +terrace. + +_Stairs_.--Stairs up back R. with carved balustrade. Transparent +windows stained glass at top of stairway. + +_Back cloth_.--Painted garden and terrace with stone seat C. + + + + +PROPERTY PLOT + + + +ACT I + + +_Stage cloth down_.--Parquette stage cloth with marble pavement +piece attached at back for terrace. + +_Persian carpet_ laid up and down R. + +_Persian carpet_ laid up and down L. + +_Settee_ set across down L. (Jacobean settee upholstered in +tapestry). + +_On settee_ L. Two tapestry cushions. + +_Occasional Jacobean table_ to R. of settee down L. + +_Stool_.--Upholstered in rose R. of table. + +_Semi-grand piano_, with keyboard down stage, _down_ R. below +double doors. + +_On piano_.--Dinah's musical instrument. + Silk pink brocade piano cover. + Photo of Olivia in frame. + Photo of George Marden in frame. + Photo of Dinah in frame. + Photo of Brian in frame. + E.P. mirror. + Blue china bowl containing flowers. + Quantity of music. + +_Occasional Jacobean chair_.--Below piano. + +_Settee_ (small Queen Anne cane-backed) upholstered in tapestry +set up and down stage against and to L. of piano. + +_Cushion_--dark gold brocade--on settee. + +_Table_ (occasional Jacobean) above settee to L., of piano. + +_On table_.--Illustrated papers. + Rose-coloured piece of brocade. + +_Chair_ (occasional Jacobean with rose-coloured squab) L. of +occasional table above settee. + +_Sideboard_ (Jacobean) up R. against back wall. + +_On sideboard_.--Metal bowl (with flowers) + Match stand. + Matches (safety). + Ash tray. + Tobacco jar filled. + George's pipe filled. + Photo in frame. + Cigarette box (with cigarettes). + Vase lamp with shade. + +_Arm-chair_ (Jacobean with rose-coloured squab)--L. of sideboard +facing out of windows. + +_Curtains._--Pair of rose-coloured corduroy curtains with tie +backs for centre windows. +Single rose-coloured corduroy curtain for archway up R. hung on upstage +side of arch. + +_Stairs._--Painted canvas staircloth. +Brass stair rods. + +_Occasional chair_ (Jacobean with rose-coloured squab).--L. of +windows and against back wall. + +_Table_ (occasional Jacobean).--Up L. against back wall. + _On table._--Metal bowl containing pink azalea plant in pot. + +_Writing-table._--In front and below C. windows (leather topped). + _On writing-table._--Specimen glass with flowers + Writing materials. + Matches in stand. + Ash tray. + Paper and pen rack. + Small bookcase. + +_Arm-chair_ (Jacobean) below writing-table C. + +_Large cabinet_ (Jacobean Court cupboard) with three cupboard +doors and on short legs--up L. against L. wall above fireplace. + _In cupboard._--Very pronounced _yellow and black +curtains_ with webbing arranged _for Olivia_ to stitch on +rings. + _Work-box_ for Olivia containing needles, thread, quantity of +rings, scissors. + _On top of cupboard._--Metal bowl with palm in pot. + Pair of scissors (extra as an emergency for Brian's business). + Large glass with flowers. + +_Waste-paper basket._--To L. of writing-table. + +_Fireplace (L_.).--Brass dogs and antique fire tongs. + +_Combined brass switch and bell pushes_ on wall down L. below +fireplace. + +_Brass spill-box_ above bell pushes on wall L. below fireplace. + +_Table_ (small Jacobean round cane topped) in angle of fireplace +and wall down L. below fireplace. + _On table._--Match stand and matches (safety). + Ash tray. + +_Arm-chair_(Jacobean with rose-coloured squab) down L. and to R. +of circular table L. facing up stage. + +_Pictures on walls._--Picture in gold frame on wall down R. + Picture in gold frame on wall above double doors R. + Picture in gold frame R. of R. wall at back. + Picture in gold frame L. of R. wall at back. + Picture in gold frame R. of L. back wall. + Picture in gold frame L. of L. back wail. + + + +HAND PROPERTIES. + + +_Off_ R.--Card salver and card for _Anne_. + Letter in envelope unstamped on salver. + Letter in envelope stamped for Mr. Pim. + Letter in envelope not stamped for _George Marden_. + Gentleman's visiting card (Mr. Carraway Pim) for _George +Marden_. + + +ACT II + +_Same Scene and Properties_. +Dinah's small guitar on piano. + +Set on Terrace + 3 light green canvas camp chairs. + 2 green and white striped camp chairs. + Folding camp table with green baize top. + +Curtains refolded and placed in cupboard Left. + +_Off_ R. + Large double handled E.P. tray. + 5 coffee cups (coloured for coffee) and saucers + 5 coffee spoons. + Sugar basin with sugar. + +Small hunting crop for _Lady Marden_. +Thick leather gloves for _Lady Marden_. +Cigarette case for _Brian_. + + +ACT III + +_Same Set and Furniture as Act II_. + +_Off_ R.--Pair of short library steps (for _George Marden_). + + + +ELECTRIC PLOT + + +_Chandelier_ (C.).--Jacobean bronze 6-light chandelier hanging +centre NOT lighted. + +_Brackets_ on walls. + _One on wall down_ L. + One each side of back wall between windows and staircase R. + One each side of back wall between windows and wall L. + All above pictures, _not lighted_. + +_Fire_ in fireplace, NOT LIGHTED. + +_Lengths_.--Length in stairway, amber and white. + Length in entrance by double door down R. + +_Foots_.--Amber and white. + +_Battens_.--Ceiling batten, amber and white. + No. 5 batten, amber and white. + +_Arcs_.--2 perch arcs o.p. ) + 2 perch arcs p.s. ) Light amber and frost. + No. 1 o.p. flood stage down L.C. + No. 2 o.p. on settee down R. + No. 1 p.s. on settee L. + No. 2 p.s. on stool and flood C. + +_Flood Arcs_.--Two flood arcs on back cloth L. and R. + _Flood_ arc on transparency windows above stairs R. + _Focus_ arc through windows C., L. of windows of writing-table + and doors down R. into room. Sunlight effect. + +_To open_.--All lights full up and remain for Acts I, II and III. + +[ILLUSTRATION: Electric Plan "Mr. Pim Passes By"] + + + + + + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's Mr. Pim Passes By, by Alan Alexander Milne + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MR. PIM PASSES BY *** + +***** This file should be named 7310.txt or 7310.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/7/3/1/7310/ + +Produced by Curtis A. Weyant, Stan Goodman, Charles Franks, +and the Distributed Proofreading Team + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions will +be renamed. + +Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright +law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, +so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United +States without permission and without paying copyright +royalties. 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Weyant, Stan Goodman, Charles Franks, and the Distributed +Proofreading Team + + + +MR. PIM PASSES BY + +A Comedy in Three Acts + +by + +A. A. Milne + + + +CHARACTERS +The Original Cast at the Gaiety Theatre, Manchester + +George Marden, J.P. . . . . . . . . . _Mr. Ben Webster._ +Olivia (his Wife) . . . . . . . . . . _Miss Irene Vanbrugh._ +Dinah (his Niece) . . . . . . . . . . _Miss Georgette Cohan._ +Lady Marden (his Aunt) . . . . . . . . _Miss Sybil Carlisle._ +Brian Strange . . . . . . . . . . _Mr. Philip Easton._ +Carraway Pin . . . . . . . . . . _Mr. Dion Boucicault._ +Anne . . . . . . . . . . _Miss Ethel Wellesley._ + +The action takes place in the morning-room at Marden House, +Buckinghamshire, on a day in July. + + +THE ORIGINAL LONDON CAST AT THE NEW THEATRE + +George Marden, J.P. . . . . . . . . . _Mr. Ben Webster._ +Olivia (his Wife) . . . . . . . . . . _Miss Irene Vanbrugh._ +Dinah (his Niece) . . . . . . . . . . _Miss Georgette Cohan._ +Lady Marden (his Aunt) . . . . . . . . _Miss Ethel Griffes._ +Brian Strange . . . . . . . . . . _Mr. Leslie Howard._ +Carraway Pin . . . . . . . . . . _Mr. Dion Boucicault._ +Anne . . . . . . . . . . _Miss Ethel Wellesley._ + + + + +MR. PIM PASSES BY + + + + +ACT I + + + +_The morning-room at Marden House (Buckinghamshire) decided more than a +hundred years ago that it was all right, and has not bothered about +itself since. Visitors to the house have called the result such different +adjectives as "mellow," "old-fashioned," "charming"--even "baronial" and +"antique;" but nobody ever said it was "exciting." Sometimes_ OLIVIA +_wants it to be more exciting, and last week she rather let herself go +over some new curtains; she still has the rings to put on. It is obvious +that the curtains alone will overdo the excitement; they will have to be +harmonized with a new carpet and cushions._ OLIVIA _has her eye on just +the things, but one has to go carefully with_ GEORGE. _What was good +enough, for his great-great-grandfather is good enough for him. However, +we can trust_ OLIVIA _to see him through it, although it may take time._ + +_A scene plot is given at the end of the play._ + +_There are three ways of coming into the room: by the open windows +leading from the garden, by the doors to R., or by the staircase from up_ +R, MR. PIM _chooses the latter way--or rather_ ANNE _chooses it for him; +and_ MR. PIM _kindly and inoffensively follows her. She comes down steps +and crosses to_ C., _followed by_ MR. PIM. + +ANNE (_moves up, looking off_ L. _and returning to_ PIM R.C.). I'll tell +Mr. Marden you're here, sir. Mr. Pim, isn't it? + +PIM (_nervously_). Yes--er--Mr. Pim--Mr. Carraway Pim. He doesn't know +me, you understand, but if he could just spare me a few moments--er--- +(_He fumbles in his pockets_.) I gave you that letter? + +ANNE. Yes, sir, I'll give it to him. + +PIM (_brings out a stamped letter which is not the one he was looking +for, but which reminds him of something else he has forgotten. Looking at +letter_). Oh! Dear me! + +ANNE. Yes, sir? + +PIM. Dear me. I ought to have posted this. (_Looking at letter_.) Oh, +well, I must send a telegram. You have a telegraph office in the village? + +ANNE. Oh, yes, sir. (_Moving up to terrace up_ L. _and pointing off_ L.) +If you turn to the left when you get outside the gates, it's about a +hundred yards down the hill. Turn to the left and down the hill. + +PIM. Turn to the left and down the hill. Thank you, thank you. Very +stupid of me to have forgotten. + +(ANNE _exits up staircase R_.) + +(MR. PIM _wanders about the room humming to himself, and looking at the +pictures and photos on piano. Then goes out at window up_ L.) (DINAH +_enters from staircase up_ R. _dancing, and humming the air of "Down on +the Farm:" she is nineteen, very pretty, very happy, and full of boyish +high spirits and conversation. She dances to foot of stairs, looks off_ +R., _then down_ C., _then to piano; sits and plays a few bars and sings +"Down on the Farm," rises and moves up to_ R. _of piano, and as she does +so_ PIM _re-enters from window up_ L. _and they come suddenly face to +face up back_ C. _below the writing-table. There is a slight pause_.) + +DINAH (_backing a step_). Hullo! + +PIM. You must forgive me, but... Good morning, Mrs. Marden. + +DINAH. Oh, I say, _I_'m not Mrs. Marden. I'm Dinah. + +PIM (_with a smile_). Then I will say, Good morning. Miss Diana. + +DINAH (_reproachfully_). Now, look here, if you and I are going to be +friends, you mustn't do that. Dinah, _not_ Diana. Do remember it, there's +a good man, because I get so tired of correcting people. (_Moving down_ +C. _to_ B.) Have you come to stay with us? (_Sits on settee_ R.) + +PIM (_following her down_). Well, no, Miss--er--Dinah. + +DINAH (_nodding_). That's right. I can see I shan't have to speak to +_you_ again. Now tell me your name, and I bet you I get it right first +time. And do sit down. + +PIM (_crossing to_ L. _and sitting on settee_ L.). Thank you. My name is-- +er--Pim, Carraway Pim-- + +DINAH. Pim, that's easy. + +PIM. And I have a letter of introduction to your father-- + +DINAH (_rising and crossing to_ R. _of table_ L.C. _and speaking across +same_). Oh, no; now you're going wrong again, Mr. Pim. George isn't my +father; he's my uncle. Uncle George--he doesn't like me calling him +George. Olivia doesn't mind--I mean she doesn't mind being called Olivia, +but George is rather touchy. (_Sitting on table, facing_ PIM.) You see, +he's been my guardian since I was about two, and then about five years +ago he married a widow called Mrs. Telworthy. + +PIM (_repeating_). Mrs. Telworthy. + +DINAH. That's Olivia--so she became my Aunt Olivia, only she lets me drop +the Aunt. (_Speaking very sharply_.) Get that? + +PIM (_a little alarmed_). I--I think so, Miss Marden. + +DINAH (_admiringly_). I say, you _are_ quick, Mr. Pim. Well, if you take +my advice, when you've finished your business with George, you will hang +about a bit and see if you can't see Olivia. (_Rising and moving_ C.) +She's simply--(_feeling for the word_)--devastating. I don't wonder +George fell in love with her. + +(_Moving to above piano_ R., _looking at photos, etc._) + +PIM (_rising and looking at his watch and coming_ C.). It's only the +merest matter of business--just a few words with your uncle--Perhaps I'd +better... + +DINAH (_looking at photo on top end of piano_). Well, you must please +yourself, Mr. Pim. I'm just giving you a friendly word of advice. +Naturally, I was awfully glad to get such a magnificent aunt. (_Moving +down to_ L. _of piano and taking up and looking at photo of_ OLIVIA.) +Because, after all, marriage _is_ rather a toss up, isn't it?-- + +PIM (_taken aback_). Well, I don't, know, I haven't had any experience... + +DINAH (_continuing_). And George might have gone off with anybody. +(_Moving to_ PIM.) It's different on the stage, where guardians always +marry their wards, but George couldn't marry _me_ because I'm his niece. +Mind you, I don't say that I should have had him, because, between +ourselves, he's a little bit old-fashioned. + +PIM. So he married--er--Mrs. Marden instead. + +DINAH. Mrs. Telworthy--don't say you've forgotten already, just when you +were getting so good at names. Mrs. Telworthy. (_Moves to and sits on +settee_ R.) You see, Olivia married the Telworthy man and went to +Australia with him, and he drank himself to death in the bush, or +wherever you drink yourself to death out there, and Olivia came home to +England, and met my uncle, and he fell in love with her and proposed to +her--(_rises and kneels on settee_)--and he came into my room that night-- +I was about fourteen--and turned on the light and said, "Dinah, how +would you like to have a beautiful aunt of your very own?" (PIM +_laughs_.) And I said: "Congratulations, George." (PIM _laughs again_.) +That was the first time I called him George. Of course, I'd seen it +coming for weeks. Telworthy, isn't it a funny name? + +PIM. Oh, a most curious name--Telworthy. From Australia, you say? + +DINAH. Yes, I always say that he's probably still alive, and will turn up +here one morning and annoy George. + +PIM (_shocked_). Oh! + +DINAH. But I'm afraid there's not much chance. + +PIM (_shocked_). Miss Marden! Really! + +DINAH, Well, of course, I don't really _want_ it to happen, but it +_would_ be rather exciting. (_Crossing to_ PIM.) Wouldn't it, Mr Pim? + +PIM. Exciting! + +(PIM _crosses to below settee_ L.) + +DINAH. However, things like that never seem to occur down here, somehow, +(_Running up into window up_ R. PIM _watches her_.) There was a hayrick +burnt last year about a mile away, but that isn't the same, is it? + +PIM. No, I should say that that was certainly different. + +DINAH (_coming to back of table_ L.C.). Of course, something very, very +wonderful did happen last night. (_Backing away_.) No, no! I'm not sure +if I know you well enough--(_She looks at him hesitatingly_.) + +PIM (_uncomfortably_). Really, Miss Marden, you mustn't. I am only a--a +passer-by, here to-day and gone to-morrow. You really mustn't-- + +DINAH (_looking round and earning down to_ PIM), And yet there's +something about you, Mr. Pim, which inspires confidence. + +PIM (_moving to_ L.). Oh, no. Really, you mustn't tell me. + +DINAH (_taking his arm_). The fact is--(_in a stage whisper_)--I got +engaged last night! + +PIM. Dear me, let me congratulate you. I wish somebody would come here. + +DINAH (_running up to foot of staircase up_ R. _and looking off_), I +expect that's why George is keeping you such a long time. (_Turning to_ +PIM.) Brian, my young man, the well-known painter--only nobody has ever +heard of him--he's smoking a pipe with George in the library and asking +for his niece's hand. (_Coming back to_ PIM, _and taking his hands, she +dances round with him in a circle_.) + +(PIM _falls exhausted and coughing on to settee_ L. _and_ DINAH _laughing +sits on settee_ R.) + +DINAH. Isn't it exciting? You're really rather lucky, Mr. Pim--I mean +being told so soon. Even Olivia doesn't know yet. + +PIM. Yes, yes, I congratulate you, Miss Marden. Perhaps it would be +better--(_About to get up_.) + +(ANNE _comes in from staircase up_ R. _She comes to_ C.) + +ANNE. Mr. Marden is out at the moment, sir-- + +DINAH (_disappointed_). Oh! + +ANNE (_seeing_ DINAH). Oh, I didn't see you, Miss Dinah! + +PIM. Out! Eh? Dear! Dear! + +DINAH, It's all right, Anne. (_Rising_.) _I'm_ looking after Mr. Pim. + +ANNE. Very well, Miss. + +PIM (_sotto voce_). Out! Oh, well, I'd better go-- + +(_Exit_ ANNE _up staircase_ B.) + +DINAH (_excitedy_). That's me. (_Running up to foot of staircase and +watching_ ANNE _off_.) They can't discuss me in the library without +breaking down--(_coming down_ R. _and imitating_ GEORGE _and_ BRIAN)--so +they're walking up and down outside, and slashing at the thistles in +order to conceal their emotion. You know. I expect Brian--(_Crossing up +to_ R. _of window_.) + +PIM (_rising, calling_). Miss Marden! Miss Marden! (_Looking at his +watch_.) Yes, I think, Miss Marden, I had better go now and return a +little later. I have a telegram which I want to send, and perhaps by the +time I come back your uncle will be able-- + +DINAH (_coming to_ PIM). Oh, but how disappointing of you, when we were +getting on together so nicely! And it was just going to be your turn to +tell me all about yourself. + +PIM. I have really nothing to tell, Miss Marden. I have a letter of +introduction to your uncle, who in turn will give me, I hope, a letter to +a certain distinguished man whom it is necessary for me to meet. That is +all. (_Holding out his hand_.) And now, Miss Marden, I really think I'd +better be going. + +DINAH (_taking his arm and hading him up stage_ C. _to_ L.). Oh, I'll +start you on your way to the post office. + +PIM. Will you? Now, that's really very kind of you. + +DINAH. No, it isn't. + +PIM. Oh, but it is! You're a very kind little girl. + +DINAH. I want to know if you're married-- + +PIM. Oh, no, I'm not married. + +DINAH.--and all that sort of thing. You've got heaps to tell me, Mr. Pim. +Have you got your hat? (PIM _shows his hat_.) Oh yes! That's right. + +(BRIAN STRANGE _comes in from window up_ R. _He is what_ GEORGE _calls a +damned futuristic painter chap, aged 24. To look at he is a very pleasant +boy, rather untidily dressed. He is about to tell_ DINAH _the result of +his interview with_ GEORGE _when he catches sight of_ PIM.) + +Then we'll--hullo, here's Brian! (_Crossing below and to his_ R. _seizing +him_.) Brian, this is Mr. Pim! Mr. Carraway Pim. He's been telling me all +about himself. + +PIM. I haven't said a word. I never opened my mouth. + +DINAH. It's so interesting. He's just going to send a telegram, and then +he's coming back again. Mr. Pim--(_coyly and moving down to head of +settee_ R.)--this is Brian--_you_ know, + +BRIAN (_nodding_). How-do-you-do? + +PIM. How-do-you-do, sir? + +DINAH (_pleadingly and crossing below_ BRIAN _to_ PIM), You won't mind +going to the post office by yourself now, will you? (_Coyly moving up to +chair by writing-table and nervously kicking her ankle, etc_.) Because, +you see, Brian and I--(_She looks lovingly at_ BRIAN.) + +PIM (_moved to sentiment_). Miss Dinah and Mr.--er--Brian, I have only +come into your lives for a moment, and it is probable that I shall now +pass out of them for ever, but perhaps you will permit an old man-- + +DINAH. Oh, not so old! + +PIM (_chuckling happily_). Not old? Well, shall we say a middle-aged +man--(DINAH _nods assent_. PIM _laughs again_)--a middle-aged man to wish +you both every happiness in the years that you have before you. +(_Crossing in front of_ DINAH, _shakes hands with_ BRIAN.) Good-bye-- +(_shaking hands with_ DINAH)--good-bye, and thank you so much. Oh, I know +my way. (_Moving up_ L. _and turning to_ DINAH.) Turn to the left and +down the hill? Turn to the left and down the hill. + +(_Exit_ PIM _up_ L. DINAH _watches him off up_ L. _on terrace and_ BRIAN +_up_ R.) + +DINAH (_coming into the room below writing-table to_ R.C.). Brian, he'll +get lost if he goes that way. + +BRIAN (_crossing at back of windows and calling after him up_ L.). Round +to the left, sir. Yes, that's right. (_He comes back into the room, +crossing down_ L.C.) Rum old bird. Who is he? + +DINAH. Darling, you haven't kissed me yet. + +BRIAN (_moving up to her and pulling her down to below settee_ L.), Oh, I +say. I oughtn't to, but then one never ought to do the nice things. + +DINAH. Why oughtn't you? + +(_They sit on the sofa together--_BRIAN _to_ R., DINAH _to_ L.) + +BRIAN. Well, we said we'd be good until we'd told your uncle and aunt all +about it. You see, being a guest in their house-- + +DINAH. But, darling child, what _have_ you been doing all this morning +_except_ telling George? + +BRIAN. Oh, _trying_ to tell George. + +DINAH (_nodding_). Yes, of course, there's a difference. + +BRIAN. I think he _guessed_ there was something up, and he took me down +to see the pigs--he said he had to see the pigs at once--I don't know +why; an appointment perhaps. And we talked about pigs all the way, and I +couldn't say, "Talking about pigs, I want to marry your niece--" + +DINAH (_with mock indignation_). Oh, of course you couldn't. + +BRIAN. No. Well, you see how it was. And then when we'd finished talking +_about_ pigs, we started talking _to_ the pigs-- + +DINAH (_eagerly_). Oh, _how_ is Arnold? + +BRIAN. Arnold...? Oh yes, that's the little black-and-white one? He's +very jolly, I believe, but naturally I wasn't thinking about him much. I +was wondering how to begin. And then Lumsden came up, and wanted to talk +pig-food, and the atmosphere grew less and less romantic, and--and I +gradually drifted away. + +DINAH. Oh, poor darling! Well, we shall have to approach him through +Olivia. + +BRIAN. But I always wanted to tell her first; she's so much easier. Only +_you_ wouldn't let me. + +DINAH. That's _your_ fault, Brian. You would tell Olivia that she ought +to have orange-and-black curtains in here. + +BRIAN. But she wants orange and black curtains in here. + +DINAH. Yes. (_Rising and standing with her back to fire, imitating_ +GEORGE.) But George says he's not going to have any Futuristic nonsense +in an honest English country house, which has been good enough for his +father and his grandfather and his great-grandfather, and--and all the +rest of them. (_Kneels on settee_.) So there's a sort of strained feeling +between Olivia and George just now, and if Olivia were to--sort of +recommend you, well, it wouldn't do you much good. + +BRIAN (_looking at her_). I see. Of course I know what _you_ want, Dinah. + +DINAH. What do I want? + +BRIAN. You want a secret engagement-- + +DINAH. Oh! + +BRIAN. And notes left under door-mats-- + +DINAH. Oh! + +BRIAN. And meetings by the withered thorn-- + +DINAH. Oh! + +BRIAN. When all the household is asleep. + +DINAH. Oh! + +BRIAN. I know you. + +DINAH. Oh, but it is such fun! I love meeting people by withered thorns. + +BRIAN. Well, I'm not going to have it. + +DINAH (_childishly, sitting close to him_). Oh, George! Look at us being +husbandy! + +BRIAN. You babe! I adore you. (_He kisses her and holds her hands_.) You +know, you're rather throwing yourself away on me. Do you mind? + +DINAH (_putting her legs up on settee and reclining her head on his +shoulder_). Not a bit. + +BRIAN. We shall never be rich, but we shall have lots of fun, and meet +interesting people, and feel that we're doing something worth doing, and +not getting paid nearly enough for it, and we can curse the Academy +together and the British Public, and--oh, it's an exciting life. + +DINAH (_seeing it_). I shall love it. + +BRIAN (_sincerely_). I'll make you love it. You shan't be sorry, Dinah. + +DINAH. You shan't be sorry either, Brian. + +BRIAN (_looking at her lovingly_). Oh, I know I shan't.... What will +Olivia think about it? Will she be surprised? + +DINAH. Olivia? Oh, she's never surprised. She always seems to have +thought of things about half an hour before they happen. George just +begins to get hold of them about half an hour after they've happened. +(_Considering him, stroking his hair_.) After all, there's no reason why +George shouldn't like you, darling. + +BRIAN. I'm not his sort, you know, really. + +DINAH. You're more Olivia's sort. Well, we'll tell Olivia this morning. + +(OLIVIA _comes in from top of staircase up R_.) + +OLIVIA (_coming in_). And what are you going to tell Olivia this morning? +(_They jump up and go to her_.) + +DINAH. Olivia, darling-- + +OLIVIA, Oh, well, I think I can guess, + +(DINAH _goes to her_ R, _and_ BRIAN _to her_ L., _and they bring her +down_ C.) + +BRIAN (_following_). Say you understand, Mrs. Marden. + +OLIVIA. Mrs. Marden, I am afraid, is a very dense person, Brian, but I +think if you asked Olivia if she understood-- + +BRIAN. Bless you, Olivia. I _knew_ you'd be on our side. + +DINAH. Of course she would. + +OLIVIA. I don't know if it's usual to kiss an aunt-in-law, Brian, but +Dinah is such a very special sort of niece that--(_she inclines her cheek +and_ BRIAN _kisses it_). + +DINAH (_backing away to_ B. _a little_). I say, you are in luck to-day, +Brian. + +(BRIAN _moves up_ C. _laughing_.) + +OLIVIA (_crossing below settee_ L. _and up_ L. _to cabinet_). And how +many people have been told the good news? + +BRIAN. Nobody yet. + +DINAH. Except Mr. Pim. + +BRIAN (_crossing down to_ DINAH). Oh, does he-- + +OLIVIA (_timing as she reaches cabinet, up_ L.), Who's Mr, Pim? + +DINAH. Oh, he just happened--(OLIVIA _takes curtains and work-basket from +centre cupboard of cabinet_.)--I say, are those the curtains? Then you're +going to have them after all? + +OLIVIA (_with an air of surprise, coming down L., and putting work- +basket on table L.C. and sitting with curtains_). After all what? But I +decided on them long ago. (_To_ BRIAN.) You haven't told George yet. + +BRIAN (_moving to below stool_ L.C.). I began to, you know, but I never +got any farther than "Er--there's just--er--" + +DINAH (_crossing quickly below_ OLIVIA _and speaking into her face_). +George would talk about _pigs_ all the time. + +OLIVIA. Well, I suppose you want me to help you. + +DINAH (_sitting to_ L. _of_ OLIVIA). Oh, do, darling. + +BRIAN (_sits on stool_ L.C.). It would be awfully decent of you. Of +course, I'm not quite his sort really-- + +DINAH. You're my sort. + +BRIAN. But I don't think he objects to me, and-- + +(GEORGE _comes in from terrace, a typical, narrow-minded, honest country +gentleman of forty odd._ BRIAN _rises hurriedly and crosses to above +piano to_ R. DINAH _rises and stands by fireplace._ OLIVIA _unfolds +curtains and prepares to sew_.) + +GEORGE (_at the windows--he does not see_ BRIAN). Hullo! Hullo! Hullo! +What's all this about a Mr. Pim? Who is he? Where is he? (_He puts his +cap on table, and comes down, into room_.) I had most important business +with Lumsden, and the girl comes down and cackles about a Mr, Pim, or +Ping, or something. Where did I put his card? (_Bringing it out_.) +Carraway Pim. Never heard of him in my life, (_Moves back to writing- +table and puts down card_.) + +DINAH. He said he had a letter of introduction, Uncle George. + +GEORGE. Oh, you saw him, did you! (_Comes down_ C. _to_ R.) Yes, that +reminds me, there was a letter--(_he brings it out and reads it_). + +DINAH. He had to send a telegram. He's coming back. + +OLIVIA. Pass me those scissors, Brian. + +BRIAN (_crossing to above table_ L.C.). These? (_he passes them_.) + +OLIVIA (_giving_ BRIAN _a nod of encouragement and looking round at_ +DINAH). Thank you. + +GEORGE (_reading_). Ah well, a friend of Brymer's, Glad to oblige him. +Yes, I know the man he wants. Coming back, you say, Dinah? (DINAH +_nods_.) Then I'll be going back too. Send him down to the farm, Olivia, +when he comes. (_Going up meets_ BRIAN.) Hallo, what happened to you? +(_Still moving up a little_.) + +OLIVIA. Don't go, George, there's something we want to talk about. (DINAH +_gives a long whistle. All look sheepish and_ GEORGE _notices their +attitude_.) + +GEORGE. Hallo, what's this? + +BRIAN (_quickly and over back of i.e. table to_ OLIVIA). Shall I---! +(DINAH _pantomimes. "Yes, do."_) + +OLIVIA (_with a roguish loot at_ DINAH). Yes, (_Sticks needle in work_.) + +BRIAN (_stepping out to_ C.) I've been wanting to tell you all this +morning, sir, only I didn't seem to have an opportunity of getting it +out. + +GEORGE. Well, what is it? + +(BRIAN, _taken aback for a moment, looks to_ OLIVIA _for encouragement. +She nods approval and turning to_ DINAH, _takes her hand encouragingly-- +_) + +BRIAN (_boldly_). I want to marry Dinah, sir. + +GEORGE. You want to marry Dinah? God bless my soul! + +DINAH (_rushing to him below and to his_ R. _and pulling her cheek +against his coat, and her hands on his shoulder_). Oh, do say you like +the idea, Uncle George. + +GEORGE. Like the idea! (_Taking her hands from his shoulder_.) Have you +heard of this nonsense, Olivia? + +(_Movement of annoyance from_ DINAH.) + +OLIVIA. They've just this moment told me, George. I think they would be +happy together. + +GEORGE (_crossing to fire-place_ L., _to_ BRIAN). And what do you propose +to be happy together on? + +BRIAN (R.C.). Well, of course, I know it doesn't amount to much at +present, but we shan't starve. + +DINAH. Brian got fifty pounds for a picture last March! + +GEORGE (_a little upset by this_). Oh! (_Recovering gamely_.) And how +many pictures have you sold since? + +BRIAN (_gives a nervous look at_ OLIVIA _and_ DINAH, _who then sits on +settee_ R.). Well, none, but-- + +GEORGE. None! And I don't wonder. Who the devil is going to buy pictures +with triangular clouds and square sheep? (BRIAN, _annoyed, moves up_ +R.C.) And they call that Art nowadays! Good God, man (_moving up to the +windows_), go outside and look at the clouds! + +OLIVIA (_busy stitching rings on curtains_). If he draws round clouds in +future, George, will you let him marry Dinah? + +(GEORGE _looks round, annoyed._ BRIAN _is hopeful and comes down towards_ +DINAH.) + +GEORGE (_upset by this, coming down to head of_ L.C. _table_). What-- +what? Yes, of course, you would be on his side--all this Futuristic +nonsense. (OLIVIA _commences to sew_.) I'm just taking these clouds as an +example. (_Crossing to_ BRIAN.) I suppose I can see as well as any man in +the county, and I say that clouds aren't triangular. + +BRIAN (_ingratiatingly_). After all, sir, at my age one is naturally +experimenting, and trying to find one's (_with a laugh)_--well, it sounds +priggish, but one's medium of expression. I shall find out what I want to +do directly, but I think I shall always be able to earn enough to live +on. Well, I have for the last three years. + +GEORGE. I see, and now you want to experiment with a wife-- + +BRIAN. Yes--no--no-- + +DINAH. Yes, you do, + +BRIAN. Yes. + +GEORGE. And you propose to experimenting with my niece? + +BRIAN (_with a shrug_). Well, of course, if you-- + +OLIVIA. You could help the experiment, darling, by giving Dinah a good +allowance until she's twenty-one. + +GEORGE. Help the experiment! I don't _want_ to help the experiment. +(_Crossing up to writing-table_.) + +OLIVIA (_apologetically_). Oh, I thought you did. + +GEORGE. You will talk as if I was made of money. What with taxes always +going up and rents always going down, it's as much as we can do to rub +along as we are (_to back of_ L.C. _table_), without making allowances to +everybody who thinks she wants to get married. (_To_ BRIAN.) And that's +thanks to you, my friend. + +BRIAN (_surprised_). To me? + +OLIVIA. You never told me, darling. What's Brian been doing? + +DINAH (_indignantly_). He hasn't been doing anything. + +GEORGE (_round to foot of table_ L.C.). He's one of your Socialists who +go turning the country upside down. + +OLIVIA. But even Socialists must get married sometimes. + +GEORGE (_crossing below_ OLIVIA _to fireplace_). I don't see any +necessity. + +OLIVIA. But you'd have nobody to damn after dinner, darling, if they all +died out. + +BRIAN (_coming a little_ C.). Really, sir, I don't see what my politics +and my art have got to do with it. I'm perfectly ready not to talk about +either when I'm in your house, and as Dinah doesn't seem to object to +them---- + +DINAH (_moving towards_ BRIAN _and championing him_). I should think she +doesn't. + +GEOEOE. Oh, you can get round the women, I daresay. + +BRIAN. Well, it's Dinah I want to marry and live with. So what it really +comes to is that you don't think I can support a wife. + +GEORGE. Well, if you're going to do it by selling pictures, I don't think +you can. + +BRIAN (_moving to_ R. _of table_ L.C.). All right, tell me how much you +want me to earn in a year, and I'll earn it. + +GEORGE (_hedging_). It isn't merely a question of money. I just mention +that as one thing--one of the important things. (GEORGE _crosses to_ +BRIAN _who backs towards_ DINAH.) In addition to that, I think you are +both too young to marry. (DINAH _stamps her foot_.) I don't think you +know your own minds (DINAH _kneels dejectedly on settee_ R.), and I am +not at all persuaded that, with what I venture to call your outrageous +tastes---- + +DINAH. Oh! + +GEORGE You and my niece will live happily together. (_Pause. Crossing up +to writing-table, sits_.) Just because she thinks she loves you, Dinah +may persuade herself now that she agrees with all you say and do, but she +has been properly brought up in an honest English country household-- +(DINAH _throws up her arms and buries her face in her hands on piano_) +and--er--she--well, in short, I cannot at all approve of any engagement +between you. (_Getting up_.) Olivia, if this Mr.--er--Pim comes, I shall +be down at the farm You might send him along to me. + +(_He walks towards the windows up_ L.) + +BRIAN (_moving up_ R., _followed by_ DINAH; _indignantly_). Is there any +reason why I shouldn't marry a girl who has been properly brought up? + +GEORGE. I think you know my views, Strange. + +(DINAH, _disappointed, crosses down_ R. _again to below table_ R.C.) + +OLIVIA. George, wait a moment, dear. We can't quite leave it like this. + +GEORGE. I have said all I want to say on the subject. + +(DINAH _sits on settee_ R.) + +OLIVIA. Yes, darling, but I haven't begun to say all that _I_ want to say +on the subject. + +GEORGE (_crossing down to back of table_ L.C.). Of course, if you have +anything to say, Olivia, I will listen to it; but I don't know that this +is quite the time--(OLIVIA _makes a marked movement as she is sewing the +curtains_), or that you have chosen--(_looking darkly at the curtains_)-- +quite the occupation likely to--er--endear your views to me. + +DINAH (_mutinously, rising quickly and crossing to stool on which she +kneels and looks up into_ GEORGE'S _face and bangs the table_). I may as +well tell you, Uncle George, that I have got a good deal to say, too. + +(BRIAN _crosses down to her_ R., _gingerly pulling her sleeve, trying to +restrain her_.) + +OLIVIA. Yes, darling. I can guess what you are going to say, Dinah, and I +think you had better keep it for the moment. + +DINAH (_meekly, backing to_ R. _below_ BRIAN _and to_ L. _of table_ +R.C.). Yes, Aunt Olivia. + +OLIVIA. Brian, you might take her outside for a walk. I expect you have +plenty to talk about. + +(BRIAN _and_ DINAH _move up_ R.) + +GEORGE (_following them up_). Now mind, Strange, no love-making. I put +you on your honour about that. + +BRIAN (_looking round dubiously at_ DINAH). I'll do my best to avoid it, +sir. + +DINAH (_cheekily_). May I take his arm if we go up a hill? + +OLIVIA. I'm sure you'll know how to behave--both of you. + +BRIAN (R. _of writing-table_). Come on, then, Dinah. + +DINAH (_following him_). Right-o. (_They exeunt through windows and off +to_ L.) + +GEORGE (_as they go_). And if you do see any clouds, Strange, take a good +look at them. (_He chuckles to himself_.) Triangular clouds--I never +heard of such nonsense. (_He goes back to his chair at the writing-table +and sits_.) Futuristic rubbish... Well, Olivia? + +OLIVIA (_sewing curtains_). Well, George? + +GEORGE. What are you doing? + +OLIVIA. Making curtains--(_grunt of disapproval from_ GEORGE)--George. +Won't they be rather sweet? Oh, but I forgot--you don't like them. + +GEORGE. No. I don't like them, and what is more, I don't mean to have +them in my house. As I told you yesterday, this is the house of a simple +country gentleman, and I don't want any of these new-fangled ideas in it. + +OLIVIA. Is marrying for love a new-fangled idea? + +GEORGE. We'll come to that directly. None of you women can keep to the +point. What I am saying now is that the house of my fathers and +forefathers is good enough for me. + +OLIVIA. Do you know, George, I can hear one of your ancestors saying that +to his wife in their smelly old cave--(GEORGE _looks up annoyed at her +levity_)--when the new-fangled idea of building houses was first +suggested. "The Cave of my Forefathers is good enough for----" + +GEORGE (_rising and coming to_ R. _of_ L.C. _table_). That's ridiculous. +Naturally we must have progress. But that's just the point. (_Indicating +the curtains_.) I don't call this sort of thing progress. It's--ah-- +retrogression. + +OLIVIA. Well, anyhow, it's pretty. + +GEORGE. There I disagree with you. And I must say once more that I will +not have them hanging in my house. (_Going up_ R.C.) + +OLIVIA. Very well, George. (_But she goes on working_.) + +GEORGE (_seeing her continuing to sew, stops_). That being so, I don't +see the necessity of going on with them. + +OLIVIA. Well, I must do something with them now I've got the material. + +(GEORGE _goes up to writing-table, sits and writes_.) + +I thought perhaps I could sell them when they're finished--as we're so +poor. + +GEORGE (_turns to her with surprised look_). What do you mean--so poor? + +OLIVIA. Well, you said just now that you couldn't give Dinah an allowance +because rents had gone down. + +GEORGE (_annoyed_). Confound it, Olivia! Keep to the point! We'll talk +about Dinah's affairs directly. We're discussing our own affairs at the +moment. + +OLIVIA. But what is there to discuss, dear? + +GEORGE. Well, those ridiculous things. + +OLIVIA. But we've finished that. You've said you wouldn't have them +hanging in your house, and I've said, "Very well, George."--(GEORGE _is +again annoyed_.)--Now we can go on to Dinah, and Brian. + +GEORGE (_shouting_). But put these beastly things away. + +OLIVIA (_rising and gathering up the curtains_). Very well, George. + +(_Going up_ L. _she places the curtains on the cabinet_.) + +GEORGE (_waits impatiently until she has put them away on top of +cabinet_). Ah! That's better. + +(OLIVIA _comes to table_ L.C., _closes her workbox and then crosses down +to settee_ R.) + +GEORGE (_rising and crossing down to_ OLIVIA _and placing arms lovingly +on her shoulder_). Now look here, Olivia, old girl, you've been a jolly +good wife to me--(_takes his arms from her shoulder_)--and we don't often +have rows, and if I've been rude to you about this--lost my temper a bit +perhaps, what?--I'll say I'm sorry. May I have a kiss? + +OLIVIA (_holding up her face_). George, darling! (_He kisses her_.) Do +you love me? + +GEORGE. You know I do, old girl. + +OLIVIA. As much as Brian loves Dinah? + +GEORGE (_stiffly, taking her hands from his shoulders_). I've said all I +want to say about that. (_He goes away from her to_ L.) + +OLIVIA. Oh, but there must be lots you want to say and perhaps don't like +to. (_Sits on settee_ R.) Do tell me, darling. + +GEORGE (_coming back to_ C.). What it comes to is this. I consider that +Dinah is too young to choose a husband for herself, and that Strange +isn't the husband I should choose for her. + +OLIVIA. You were calling him Brian yesterday. + +GEORGE. Yesterday I regarded him as a boy, now he wants me to look upon +him as a man. + +OLIVIA. He's twenty-four. + +GEORGE. Yes, and Dinah's nineteen. Ridiculous. (_Crossing up to smoking- +table up_ R., _and filling his pipe which he finds on table_.) + +OLIVIA. If he'd been a Conservative, and thought that clouds were round, +I suppose he'd have seemed older, somehow. + +GEORGE. That's a different point altogether. That has nothing to do with +his age. + +OLIVIA (_innocently_). Oh, I thought it had. + +GEORGE (_crossing down_ C. _stuffing tobacco into his pipe_). What I am +objecting to is these ridiculously early marriages before either party +knows its own mind, much less the mind of the other party. (_Moving to +fireplace looking for a match_.) Such marriages invariably lead to +unhappiness. + +OLIVIA. Of course, _my_ first marriage wasn't a happy one. + +GEORGE. As you know, Olivia, I dislike speaking about your first marriage +at all--(_takes a match from table down_ L. OLIVIA _rises slowly and +goes up to_ R. _of writing-table_)--and I had no intention of bringing it +up now, but since you mention it--well, there's a case in point. (_Sits +on settee_ L., _lighting his pipe_.) + +OLIVIA (_looking back at it_). When I was eighteen, I was in love. + +GEORGE (_turning to her_). What? + +OLIVIA. Or perhaps I only thought I was, and I don't know if I should +have been happy or not if I had married him. But my father made me marry +Mr. Jacob Telworthy. (GEORGE _looks up at her, annoyed_.) And when things +were too hot for him in England--"too hot for him"--I think that was the +expression we used in those days--then we went to Australia, and I left +him there. (_Goes slowly down to back of settee_ L.) And the only happy +moment I had in all my married life was on the morning when I saw in the +papers that he was dead. (_Leans with her arms over back of settee_.) + +GEORGE (_very uncomfortable yet lovingly taking her hands with his left +hand_). Yes, yes, my dear, I know, I know. You must have had a terrible +time. I can hardly bear to think about it. My only hope is that I have +made up to you for it in some degree. (_She places her left cheek +lovingly on his head_.) (_Dropping her hands_.) But I don't see what +bearing it has upon Dinah's case. + +OLIVIA. Oh, none, except that _my_ father _liked_ Jacob's political +opinions and his views on art. (_Moving slowly round_ L.C. _table to +below stool at foot_.) I expect that that was why he chose him for me. + +GEORGE. You seem to think that I wish to choose a husband for Dinah. I +don't at all. Let her choose whom she likes as long as he can support her +and there's a chance of their being happy together. Now, with regard to +this fellow-- + +OLIVIA. You mean Brian? + +GEORGE. Well, he's got no money, and he's been brought up in quite a +different way from Dinah. Dinah may be prepared to believe that--er--all +cows are blue, and that--er--waves are square, but she won't go on +believing it for ever. + +OLIVIA. Neither will Brian. + +GEORGE (_moving to_ R. _end of settee_). Well, that's what I keep telling +him, only he won't see it. Just as I keep telling you about those +ridiculous curtains. (_Points to cupboard with pipe in right hand over +his left shoulder_.) It seems to me that I am the only person in the +house with any eyesight left. + +OLIVIA. Perhaps you are, darling; but you must let us find out our own +mistakes for ourselves. (_Sits on stool_ L.C.) At any rate, Brian is a +gentleman; he loves Dinah, Dinah loves him; he's earning enough to +support himself, and you are earning enough to support Dinah. + +GEORGE (_amazed_). What? + +OLIVIA. I think it's worth risking, George. + +GEORGE (_stiffly_). I can only say the whole question demands much more +anxious thought than you seem to have given it. You say that he is a +gentleman. He knows how to behave, I admit; but if his morals are as +topsy-turvy as his tastes and--er--politics, as I've no doubt they are +(_rising and moving to_ L.), then-er--In short, I do _not_ approve of +Brian Strange as a husband for my niece and ward. (_Knocks pipe out down_ +L.) + +OLIVIA (_looking at him thoughtfully_). You _are_ a curious mixture, +George. You were so very unconventional when you married me, and you're +so very conventional when Brian wants to marry Dinah.... George Marden to +marry the widow of a convict! + +GEORGE (_advancing_). Convict! What do you mean? + +OLIVIA. Jacob Telworthy, convict--I forget his number--surely I told you +all this, dear, when we got engaged? + +GEORGE. Never! + +OLIVIA. Oh, but I told you how he carelessly put the wrong signature to a +cheque for a thousand pounds in England; how he made a little mistake +about two or three companies he'd promoted in Australia; and how-- + +GEORGE. Yes, yes (_crossing slowly to_ C. _below_ OLIVIA), but you never +told me he'd been--er--well--_convicted_! + +OLIVIA. What difference does it make? + +GEORGE. My dear Olivia, if you can't see that--a--a--oh, well! + +OLIVIA. Oh! A convict! So, you see, we needn't be too particular about +our niece, need we? + +GEORGE. I think we had better leave your first husband out of the +conversation altogether. I never wished to refer to him; I never wish to +hear about him again. I certainly had not realized that he was actually-- +er--well--convicted for his--er--(_moving to writing-table and picking up +his cap_). + +OLIVIA. Mistakes. GEORGE. Well, we needn't go into that. As for this +other matter, I don't for a moment take it seriously. Dinah is an +exceptionally pretty girl, and young. Strange is a good-looking boy. +(_Coming down to back of settee_ L.) If they are attracted to each other, +it is a mere outward attraction which I am convinced will not lead to any +lasting happiness. (OLIVIA _is about to protest_.) That must be regarded +as my last word in the matter, Olivia. If this Mr.--er--what was his +name, comes, I shall be down at the farm. (GEORGE _goes out by the +staircase up_ R.) + +(_Left alone,_ OLIVIA _rises, goes up_ C., _takes up her curtains again +and crossing down_ L. _sits on settee, and gets calmly to work upon +them_.) + +(DINAH _comes in by the windows from up_ R. _and crosses to_ L. _window +at back, then seeing_ OLIVIA, _beckons to_ BRIAN _and runs down to back +of settee to_ R. _of_ OLIVIA. BRIAN _enters from up_ R., _and follows +down to back of table_ L.C.) + +DINAH (_over back of settee_). Finished? + +OLIVIA (_startled_). Oh, no, I've got all these rings to put on. + +DINAH. I meant talking to George. + +OLIVIA. Oh! + +BRIAN. We walked about outside---- + +DINAH. Until we heard him _not_ talking to you any more---- + +BRIAN. And we didn't kiss each other once. + +DINAH AND BRIAN (_pointing roguishly and with satisfaction at_ OLIVIA). +Ah! + +DINAH. Brian was very George-like. He wouldn't even let me tickle the +back of his neck. (_She goes suddenly to_ OLIVIA _and sits on her_ L.) +Darling (_putting her arms round_ OLIVIA _and kissing her_), being +George-like is a very nice thing to be--I mean a nice thing for other +people to be--I mean--oh, you know what I mean. But say that he's going +to be decent about it. + +OLIVIA. Of course he is, Dinah. + +BRIAN (_sits on stool_ L.C., _and leans forward eagerly_). You mean he'll +let me come here as--as---- + +DINAH. As my young man? + +OLIVIA. Oh, I think so. + +DINAH (_kissing_ OLIVIA). Olivia, you're a wonder. + +(_Embraces her round the neck_.) + +(_Rising and crossing below_ BRIAN, _touching him on the shoulder_.) + +Brian! + +(_Crossing to piano, sits and plays five bars of "The Wedding March," +rises and crosses at back of_ BRIAN _to_ L. _of_ OLIVIA _behind settee_.) + +Have you really talked him round? + +OLIVIA. I haven't said anything yet. + +DINAH (_very disappointed_). Oh! + +(BRIAN _rises and backs to_ C.) + +OLIVIA. But I dare say I shall think of something. + +BRIAN. Oh! my lord. + +DINAH (_disappointedly_). Oh! + +BRIAN (_going up_ C.). After all, Dinah, I'm going back to London to- +morrow---- + +DINAH (_crossing quickly towards_ BRIAN). Oh, no, no! + +OLIVIA. Now, Dinah. You can be good for one more day, and then when Brian +isn't here, we'll see what we can do. + +DINAH (_placing her hands on_ BRIAN'S _shoulders_). Yes, but I didn't +want him to go back to-morrow. + +BRIAN (_sternly, taking her hands away_). Must. Hard work before me. +(DINAH _moves to back of table_ L.C.) Earn thousands a year. (_Going +down_ R. DINAH _and_ OLIVIA _are amused_). Paint the Mayor and +Corporation of Pudsey, life-size, including chains of office; paint slice +of haddock on plate. Copy Landseer for old gentleman in Bayswater. Design +antimacassar for middle-aged sofa in Streatham. (_Sitting and putting his +legs up on settee R_.) Oh, yes. Earn a living for you. Dinah. + +DINAH (_giggling_). Oh, Brian, you're heavenly. What fun we shall have +when we're married. + +BRIAN (_with exaggerated dignity_). Sir Brian Strange, R.A., if you +please, Miss Marden. Sir Brian Strange, R.A., writes: "Your Sanogene has +proved a most excellent tonic. After completing the third acre of my +Academy picture, 'The Mayor and Corporation of Pudsey,' I was completely +exhausted, but one bottle of Sanogene revived me, and I finished the +remaining seven acres at a single sitting." + +OLIVIA (_rising and looking about her_). Brian, find my scissors for me. +(_Sits again_.) + +BRIAN (_rising and crossing to_ C.). Scissors. Sir Brian Strange, R.A., +looks for scissors. + +(BRIAN, _clasping his hands behind his back, with a very important walk, +looks first on the top end of piano, then on writing-table at back_. +DINAH _playfully follows him round, imitating his walk_. BRIAN _crosses +to cabinet up L. and finds the scissors on top, takes them up and in a +threatening attitude turns to_ DINAH, _exclaiming,_ "Ha, ha!" DINAH _with +a little playful scream backs to chair below writing-table, and sits. +Holding up scissors_.) + +Once more we must record an unqualified success for the eminent +Academician. (_Turning to_ OLIVIA _and with a bow hands them over the +back of settee to her_.) Your scissors. + +OLIVIA. Thank you so much. + +DINAH. Come on, Brian, let's go out. I feel open-airy. + +(_They go up_ R.) + +OLIVIA. Don't be late for lunch, there's good people. Lady Marden is +coming. + +DINAH. Aunt Juli-ah! Help! (_She faints in_ BRIAN'S _arms_.) That means +a clean pinafore. Brian, you'll jolly well have to brush your hair. + +BRIAN (_feeling it_). I suppose there's no time now to go up to London +and get it cut? + +(_Enter_ ANNE _from stairs up R. and comes to foot of staircase, followed +by_ PIM, _who comes half-way down the stairs_.) + +ANNE. Mr. Pim! + +DINAH (_delighted_). Hullo. Mr. Pim! (_Imitating a clown_.) Here we are +again! You can't get rid of us so easily, you see. + +PIM. I--er--dear Miss Marden----(_Crosses down to_ C.) + +OLIVIA. How-do-you-do, Mr. Pim? I can't get up, but do come and sit down +(PIM _shakes hands with_ OLIVIA.) My husband will be here in a minute. +Anne, send somebody down to the farm---- + +ANNE, I think I heard the Master in the library, madam. + +OLIVIA. Oh, will you tell him then? + +ANNE. Yes, madam, + +(ANNE _goes out up staircase_.) + +OLIVIA. You'll stay to lunch, of course, Mr. Pim? + +DINAH (_coming down_ C. _to_ R.) Oh, do! + +PIM. It's very kind of you, Mrs. Marden, but----- + +DINAH. Oh, you simply must, Mr. Pim. You haven't told us half enough +about yourself yet. I want to hear all about your early life. + +OLIVIA. Dinah! + +(DINAH _sits at piano and plays thirty-two bars of "If you could only +care."_) + +PIM. Oh, we are almost, I might say, old friends, Mrs. Marden. + +(BRIAN _comes down and kneels on settee_ R., _listening to_ DINAH +_playing_.) + +DINAH. Of course we are. He knows Brian, too. There's more in Mr. Pim +than you think. You will stay to lunch, won't you? + +PIM. (_sits on stool_ L.C.) It's very kind of you to ask me, Mrs. Marden, +but I am lunching with the Trevors. + +OLIVIA. Oh, well, you must come to lunch another day. + +PIM. Oh, thank you, thank you. + +DINAH. The reason why we like Mr. Pim so much is that he was the first +person to congratulate us. We feel that he is going to have a great +influence on our lives. + +PIM. (_to_ OLIVIA). I, so to speak, stumbled on the engagement this +morning, and--er-- + +OLIVIA. I see. Children, you must go and tidy yourselves up. Run along. + +BRIAN. Sir Brian and Lady Strange never run; they walk. + +(DINAH _stops playing_.) (_Offering his_ R. _arm and bowing_.) Madam! + +(DINAH _curtsies and takes his arm and they go up_ C.) + +(DINAH _takes mincing steps and playfully shakes her hand at_ MR. PIM, +_who is amused_.) + +DINAH. Au revoir, Mr. Pim. (_Dramatically_.) We--shall--meet--_again_! + +(PIM. _laughing heartily, rises and bows_.) + +(BRIAN _and_ DINAH _go out through the window up_ C. _to_ L.) + +OLIVIA. You must forgive them, Mr. Pim. They're such children. And +naturally they're rather excited just now. + +PIM. Oh, naturally, naturally! + +OLIVIA. Of course you won't say anything about their engagement. We only +heard about it five minutes ago, and nothing has been settled yet. + +PIM. Of course, of course! + +(_Enter_ GEORGE _from staircase up_ R.) + +GEORGE. Ah, Mr. Pim, we meet at last. Sorry to have kept you waiting +before. (_Shaking hands_.) How are you? How are you? + +PIM. The apology should come from me, Mr. Marden, for having--er-- + +GEORGE. Not at all. Very glad to meet you now. Any friend of Brymer's. +You want a letter to this man Fanshawe? + +OLIVIA. Shall I be in your way at all? + +PIM. Oh, no, no, please don't. + +GEOBGE. Oh, no. It's only just a question of a letter. Fanshawe will put +you in the way of seeing all that you want to see. (_Crossing up to +writing-table, sits_.) He's a very old friend of mine. (_Taking a sheet +of notepaper and turning in chair to_ PIM.) You'll stay to lunch, of +course? + +PIM. It's very kind of you, but I'm lunching with the Trevors. (_Sits +settee R. and puts down his hat and gloves_.) + +GEORGE. Ah, well, they'll look after you all right. Good chap, Trevor. + +PIM. Oh, very good ... very good. (_To_ OLIVIA.) You see, Mrs. Marden, I +have only recently arrived from Australia--(OLIVIA _stops in her sewing +and_ GEORGE _looks up_)--after travelling about the world for some years, +and I'm rather out of touch with my--er--fellow-workers in London. + +OLIVIA. I see! You've been in Australia, Mr. Pim? + +PIM. Oh, yes, I---- + +GEORGE (_after a loud cough_). Sorry to keep you waiting, Mr. Pim. I +shan't be a moment. + +PIM. Oh, that's all right, thank you. (_To_ OLIVIA.) Oh, yes, I have been +in Australia more than once in the last few years. + +OLIVIA. Really? I used to live at Sydney many years ago. Do you know +Sydney at all? + +PIM. Oh, yes, I was---- + +GEORGE (_coughing_). H'r'm! Perhaps I'd better mention that you are a +friend of the Trevors? + +PIM. Thank you, thank you. (_To_ OLIVIA.) Indeed yes, I spent several +months in Sydney a few years ago. + +OLIVIA. How curious! I wonder if we have any friends in common there. + +GEORGE (_coughing and gruffly_). Extremely unlikely, I should think. +Sydney is a very big place. + +PIM. True, true, but the world is a very small place, Mr. Marden. I had a +remarkable instance of that, coming over on the boat this last time. + +GEORGE. Ah! (_Feeling that the conversation is now safe, he resumes his +letter_.) + +PIM. Yes. There was a man I used to employ in Sydney some years ago, a +bad fellow, I'm afraid, Mrs. Marden, who had been in prison for some kind +of fraudulent company-promoting and had taken to drink and--and so on. + +OLIVIA. Yes, yes, I understand. + +PIM. Drinking himself to death, I should have said. I gave him at the +most another year to live. Yet to my amazement the first person I saw as +I stepped on board the boat that brought me to England last week was this +fellow. There was no mistaking him. I spoke to him, in fact; we +recognized each other. + +(GEORGE _rises_.) + +OLIVIA. Really? + +PIM. He was travelling steerage; we didn't meet again on board, and as it +happened at Marseilles, this poor fellow--er--now what was his name? A +very unusual one. Began with a--a T, I think. + +OLIVIA (_with suppressed feeling_). Yes, Mr. Pim, yes? (_She puts out a +hand to_ GEORGE.) + +GEORGE (_in an undertone, taking her hand_). Nonsense, dear! + +PIM (_triumphantly_). I've got it! Telworthy! + +OLIVIA (_draws back in settee, overcome_). Telworthy! + +GEORGE. Good God! + +PIM (_a little surprised at the success of his story_). An unusual name, +is it not? Not a name you could forget when once you had heard it. + +OLIVIA (_with feeling, gazing into space with hands clenched_). No, it is +not a name you could forget when once you had heard it. + +GEORGE (_hastily coming over to_ PIM). Quite so, Mr. Pim, a most +remarkable name, a most odd story altogether. Well, well, here's your +letter--(PIM _rises and tales letter_)--and if you're sure you won't stay +to lunch---- + +PIM. No, thank you. You see, I'm lunching with---- + +GEORGE. With the Trevors, yes. I remember you told me. (_Taking his arm +and hurrying him up_ C.) I'll just see you on your way.... (_To_ OLIVIA, +_who does not notice_ PIM _holding out his hand to say good-bye_.) Er--my +dear---- + +OLIVIA (_holding out her hand, but not looking at him_). Good-bye, Mr. +Pim. + +PIM (_shaking hands with_ OLIVIA). Good-bye, good-bye! + +GEORGE (_taking him by the arm up_ L. _towards the windows_). This way, +this way. Quicker for you. + +PIM, Thank you, thank you. + +(GEORGE _hurries him up_ C. _and he exits to_ L. OLIVIA _looks into the +past and shudders_. GEORGE _comes back to_ C.) + +GEORGE. Good God! Telworthy! (ANNE _enters from up_ R. _and comes to foot +of staircase_.) Is it possible? + +(_Before_ OLIVIA _can answer,_ LADY MARDEN _is announced_.) + +ANNE. Lady Marden. + +(GEORGE _crosses down to_ OLIVIA _and touches her on the shoulder. They +pull themselves together, and_ OLIVIA _rises and is crossing towards_ C. +_to greet_ LADY MARDEN, _who does not appear_.) + +QUICK CURTAIN. + + + + ACT II + + + +SCENE.--_The same scene and furniture with addition of a camp table and +five camp chairs outside on terrace at back centre. Lunch is over._ LADY +MARDEN'S _whip and gloves are on writing-table_. + +(ANNE _enters with coffee for five on salver, from double doors_ R., _and +is about to place it on table_ L.C. _when_ OLIVIA, _who follows her on, +says_:) + +OLIVIA. We'll have coffee on the terrace, Anne. + +ANNE. Very good, madam. (_Moves up_ L. _and places salver on camp table +on terrace_.) + +(LADY MARDEN _follows_ OLIVIA _from double doors_ R. ANNE _crosses at +back of windows to_ R.) + +OLIVIA. We'll have coffee on the terrace, Aunt Julia. + +(LADY MARDEN _crosses in front of_ OLIVIA _and up_ L. _through windows +and sits_ R. _at back of camp table_. GEORGE _follows_ LADY MARDEN, +_meets_ OLIVIA, _and both throw up their arms despairingly._ OLIVIA +_crosses up_ L. _through windows and sits to_ L. _of camp table._ DINAH +_and_ BRIAN _follow_ GEORGE _on_.) + +(ANNE _exits at doors_ R.) + +(GEORGE _turns, and seeing_ DINAH _is annoyed, follows_ OLIVIA _up_ L. +_and sits_ L. _of_ LADY MARDEN.) + +DINAH (_to_ BRIAN). I know Aunt Julia likes a little music. + +(DINAH _comes down to piano and takes up small guitar._ BRIAN _crosses +to_ L., _laughing at her. She goes up_ L. _of writing-table, playing and +singing, and crosses round back of writing-table and sits to_ R. _of +camp table,_ BRIAN _follows her and stands with his back to windows._ +GEORGE _and_ LADY MARDEN _are annoyed with_ DINAH'S _playing, and tell +her to stop, and she does so._ OLIVIA _pours milk into_ DINAH'S _cup and_ +BRIAN _passes it to her; she drinks and then commences to play again and +is stopped by looks from_ LADY MARDEN _and_ GEORGE.) + +LADY MARDEN (_to_ DINAH). No! No! Don't do it! + +OLIVIA. Your aunt does not like it, dear. + +(GEORGE _and_ OLIVIA _want to be alone, so do_ BRIAN _and_ DINAH. _At +last_ BRIAN _murmurs something about a cigarette-case, and catching_ +DINAH'S _eye, comes into the room. He leans against the sofa down_ L. +_and waits for her_.) + +DINAH (_loudly, as she comes in strumming on guitar_). Have you found it? + +BRIAN. Found what? + +DINAH (_in her ordinary voice, crossing quickly down to_ BRIAN). That was +just for _their_ benefit. I said I'd help you find it. It _is_ your +cigarette-case we're looking for, isn't it? + +BRIAN (_taking it out_). Yes. Have one? + +DINAH. No, thank you, darling. (BRIAN _goes up_ R. _in smoking-table for +a match_.) Aunt Juli-ah still thinks it's unladylike.... Have you ever +seen her beagling? (_Comes down to piano, puts down instrument_.) + +BRIAN. No. Is that very ladylike? + +DINAH (_sitting on settee_ R.). Very.... I say, what has happened, do you +think? + +BRIAN (_moving down to back of table_ R.C.). Everything. I love you, and +you love me. + +DINAH. Silly! I meant between George and Olivia. Didn't you notice them +at lunch? + +BRIAN (_sits on table_). I noticed that you seemed to be doing most of +the talking. But then I've noticed that before sometimes. Do you think +Olivia and your uncle have quarrelled because of _us_? + +DINAH. Of course not. George may _think_ he has quarrelled, but I'm quite +sure Olivia hasn't. No (DINAH _beckons to_ BRIAN, _who comes and sits +above her_), I believe Mr. Pim's at the bottom of it. He's brought some +terribly sad news about George's investments. (_Rising and facing_ +BRIAN.) The old home will have to be sold up. + +BRIAN. Good. Then your uncle won't mind your marrying me. + +DINAH (_by table above settee_ R.). Yes, darling, but you must be more +dramatic about it than that. "George," you must say, with tears in your +eyes, "I cannot pay off the whole of the mortgage for you. I have only +two and ninepence; but at least let me take your niece off your hands." +Then George will (_hitting him on the shoulder)_ thump you on the back +and say gruffly (_crossing to_ L.), "You're a good fellow, Brian, a damn +good fellow," and he'll blow his nose very loudly, and say, "Confound +this cigar, it won't draw properly." + +BRIAN (_rising and crossing to_ DINAH). Dinah, you're a heavenly idiot. +And you've simply got to marry me, uncles or no uncles. + +DINAH. Hush! (_She takes his hand and they sit on settee_ L., _hiding +from others at back_). It will have to be "uncles," I'm afraid, because, +you see, I'm his ward, and I can get sent to Chancery or Coventry or +somewhere beastly, if I marry without his consent, Haven't _you_ got +anybody who objects to your marrying _me_? + +BRIAN. Nobody, thank Heaven. + +DINAH. Well, that's rather disappointing of you. I saw myself fascinating +your aged father at the same time that you were fascinating George. I +should have done it much better than you. As a George-fascinator you +aren't very successful, sweetheart. + +BRIAN (_kissing her hand_). What am I like as a Dinah-fascinator? + +DINAH. Plus six, darling. + +BRIAN. Then I'll stick to that and leave George to Olivia. + +DINAH. I expect she'll manage him all right. I have great faith in +Olivia. But you'll marry me, anyhow, won't you, Brian? + +BRIAN. I will. + +DINAH. Even if we have to wait till I'm twenty-one? + +BRIAN. Even if we have to wait till you're fifty-one. + +DINAH (_holding out her hands to him_). Darling! + +BRIAN (_uneasily_). I say, don't do that. + +DINAH. Why not? + +BRIAN. Well, I promised I wouldn't kiss you. + +DINAH. Oh! (_Rising and crossing to_ C., _watching the others at back_). +Well, you might just send me a kiss. You can look the other way as if you +didn't know I was here. + +BRIAN. Like this? + +(_He looks the other way, kisses the tips of his fingers, and flicks it +carelessly in her direction. She pretends to catch it, kissing her own +hands_.) + +DINAH. That was a lovely one. Now here's one coming for you. + +(_She throws him a kiss. He catches it gracefully and conveys it to his +mouth_.) + +BRIAN (_rising, and with a low bow_). Madam, I thank you. + +DINAH (_curtsying_). Your servant, Mr. Strange, + +OLIVIA (_rising from outside_). Dinah! + +DINAH (_jumping up_). Hullo! (_Moving quickly to piano, plays "Mickey."_) + +(BRIAN _throws away his cigarette and walks to_ L.) + +(OLIVIA _comes in through the window up_ L., _followed by_ GEORGE _and_ +LADY MARDEN, _the latter a vigorous young woman of sixty odd, who always +looks as if she were beagling_.) + +OLIVIA (_coming down to_ DINAH _above piano_). Aunt Julia wants to see +the pigs, dear. I wish you'd take her down. I'm rather tired, and your +uncle has some business to attend to. + +(GEORGE _sits in chair up_ C. _in front of writing-table_.) + +LADY MARDEN (_moving down_ C.), I've always said that you don't take +enough exercise, Olivia. (_Turning to others_.) Look at me--sixty-five +and proud of it. (_Goes up_ R. _and takes up gloves and riding-whip from +writing-table_.) + +OLIVIA (_taking off her coatee_). Yes, Aunt Julia, you're wonderful. + +DINAH. How old would Olivia be if she took exercise? + +(OLIVIA, _smiling, but with an admonishing look at_ DINAH, _comes up_ R. +_and places her coatee on balustrade_.) + +GEORGE (_from up_ C.). Don't fool about asking silly questions, Dinah. +Your aunt hasn't much time. + +BRIAN. May I come, too, Lady Marden? + +LADY MARDEN (_coming down centre to_ BRIAN). Well, a little exercise +wouldn't do _you_ any harm, Mr. Strange. You're an artist, ain't you? + +(DINAH _stops playing_.) + +BRIAN. Well, I try to paint. + +DINAH (_rises and moves to_ R.C.). He sold a picture last March for---- + +GEORGE. Yes, yes, never mind that now. + +LADY MARDEN. Yes, unhealthy life. (_Going to_ R. _of writing-table and +crossing at back, turns to_ DINAH _and_ BRIAN.) Well, come along. + +(_She strides out up_ L., _followed by_ DINAH _and_ BRIAN, _who upset_ +GEORGE'S _papers on writing-table as they go_. OLIVIA _takes the curtains +and workbox from_ C. _cupboard of cabinet and comes down_ L.) + +GEORGE (_looking up and seeing_ OLIVIA). Really, Olivia, we've got +something more important, more vital to us than curtains, to discuss, now +that we _are_ alone at last. + +OLIVIA. I wasn't going to discuss them, dear. (_Sits_.) + +GEORGE. Of course, I'm always glad to see Aunt Julia in my house, but I +wish she hadn't chosen this day of all days to come to lunch. + +OLIVIA. It wasn't Aunt Julia's fault. It was really Mr. Pim who chose the +wrong day. + +GEORGE (_fiercely and rising_). Good heavens, is it true? + +OLIVIA. About Jacob Telworthy? + +GEORGE. Yon told me he was dead. (_Moving down to_ L. _of_ L.C. _table_.) +You always said that he was dead. + +OLIVIA. Well, I always thought that he was dead. He was as dead as +anybody could be. All the papers said he was dead. + +GEORGE (_scornfully_). The papers!(_Crossing up to smoking-table for his +pipe_.) + +OLIVIA (_as if this would settle it for_ GEORGE). The _Times_ said he was +dead. There was a paragraph about him. Apparently even his death was +fraudulent. + +GEORGE (_coming down_ C.). Yes, yes, I'm not blaming you, Olivia, but +what are we going to do, that's the question, what are we going to do? My +God, it's horrible! (_Crossing to fireplace_.) You've never been married +to me at all! You don't seem to understand. + +OLIVIA. It is a little difficult to realize. You see, it doesn't seem to +have made any difference to our happiness. + +GEORGE. No, that's what's so terrible. (OLIVIA _looks up surprised_.) I +mean--well, of course, we were quite innocent in the matter. (_Sits in +arm-chair down_ L.) But, at the same time, nothing can get over the fact +that we--we had no right to--to be happy. + +OLIVIA. Would you rather we had been miserable? + +GEORGE. You're Telworthy's wife, that's what you don't seem to +understand. You're Telworthy's wife. You--er--forgive me, Olivia, but +it's the horrible truth--you committed bigamy when you married me. (_In +horror, going up_ L.) Bigamy! (_Coming round to_ C.) + +OLIVIA. It is an ugly word, isn't it? + +GEORGE. Yes, but you don't understand. (_Coming quickly down_ C., _sits +on stool_ L.C., _facing her_.) Look here, Olivia, old girl, the whole +thing is nonsense, eh? It isn't your husband, it's some other Telworthy +that this fellow met. That's right, isn't it? Some other shady swindler +who turned up on the boat, eh? This sort of thing doesn't happen to +people like _us_--committing bigamy and all that. Some other fellow. + +OLIVIA (_shaking her head_). I knew all the shady swindlers in Sydney.... +They came to dinner.... There were no others called Telworthy. + +GEORGE (_rising with gesture of despair_). Well, what are we going to do? + +OLIVIA. You sent Mr. Pim away so quickly. He might have told us things. +Telworthy's plans. Where he is now. You hurried him away so quickly. + +GEORGE. I've sent a note round to ask him to come back. My one idea at +the moment was to get him out of the house--to hush things up. (_Going up +to writing-table_.) + +OLIVIA. You can't hush up two husbands. + +GEORGE (_in despair_). You can't. (_Sits at writing-table_.) Everybody +will know. Everybody! + +OLIVIA. The children, Aunt Julia, they may as well know now as later. Mr. +Pim must, of course. + +GEORGE. I do not propose to discuss my private affairs with Mr. Pim---- + +OLIVIA. But he's mixed himself up in them rather, hasn't he, and if +you're going to ask him questions---- + +GEORGE. I only propose to ask him one question. I shall ask him if he is +absolutely certain of this fellow's name. I can do that quite easily +without letting him know the reason for my inquiry. + +OLIVIA. You couldn't make a mistake about a name like Telworthy. But he +might tell us something about Telworthy's plans. Perhaps he's going back +to Australia at once. Perhaps he thinks I'm dead, too. Perhaps--oh, +there are so many things I want to know. + +GEORGE. Yes, yes, dear. It would be interesting to--that is, one +naturally wants to know these things, but of course it doesn't make any +real difference. + +OLIVIA (_surprised_). No difference? + +GEORGE (_rising and coming down to back of settee_ L.). Well, that is to +say, you're as much his wife if he's in Australia as you are if he's in +England. + +OLIVIA. I am not his wife at all. (_Shaking her head_.) Jacob Telworthy +may be alive, but I am not his wife. I ceased to be his wife when I +became yours. + +GEORGE. You never _were_ my wife. (_Annoyed and crossing to_ R. _and back +again to_ L.C.) That is the terrible part of it. Our union--you make me +say it, Olivia--has been unhallowed by the Church. Unhallowed even by the +Law. Legally, we have been living in--living in--well, the point is, how +does the Law stand? I imagine that Telworthy could get a--a divorce.... +Oh, it seems impossible that things like this can be happening to _us_. +(_Going up_ C.) + +OLIVIA. A divorce? + +GEORGE. I--I imagine so. + +OLIVIA. But then we could _really_ get married, and we shouldn't be +living in--living in--whatever we were living in before. + +GEORGE (_coming down to_ R. _of table_ L.C.). I can't understand you, +Olivia. You talk about it so calmly, as if there was nothing blameworthy +in being divorced. + +OLIVIA. Yes, but---- + +GEORGE. As if there was nothing unusual in my marrying a divorced woman. + +OLIVIA. Yes, but---- + +GEORGE. As if there was nothing wrong in our having lived together for +years without having been married. + +OLIVIA (_placing her hands on table_). What seems wrong to me is that I +lived for five years with a bad man whom I hated. What seems right to me +is that I lived for five years with a good man whom I love. + +GEORGE (_taking and patting her hands affectionately_). Yes, yes, my +dear, I know. (_Drops her hands and moves to_ C.) But right and wrong +don't settle themselves as easily as that. We've been living together +when you were Telworthy's wife. That's _wrong_. + +OLIVIA. Do you mean wicked? + +GEORGE. Well, no doubt the Court would consider that we acted in perfect +innocence---- + +OLIVIA. What Court? + +GEORGE. Well, you see, my dear, these things have to be done legally, of +course. (_Moving to_ R. _to settee, thinking it out_.) I believe the +proper method is a nullity suit, declaring our marriage null and--er-- +void. It would, so to speak, wipe out these years of--er---(_Moving back +to_ C.) + +OLIVIA. Wickedness? + +GEORGE. Of irregular union, and-er--then---- + +OLIVIA. Then I could go back to Jacob.... Do you really mean that, +George? + +GEORGE (_uneasily_). Well, dear, you see-that's how things are--one +can't get away from--er------ + +OLIVIA. What you feel is that Telworthy has the greater claim? You are +prepared to--make way for him? + +GEORGE. Both the Church and the Law would say that I had no claim at all, +I'm afraid. I--I suppose I haven't. + +OLIVIA. I see. (_She looks at him curiously_.) Thank you for making it so +clear, George. + +GEORGE. Of course, whether or not you go back to--er--Telworthy is +another matter altogether. (_Crossing to fireplace_.) That would +naturally be for you to decide. + +OLIVIA (_cheerfully_). For me and Jacko to decide. + +GEORGE. Er--Jacko? + +OLIVIA. I used to call my first husband--I mean my only husband--Jacko. I +didn't like the name of Jacob, and Jacko seemed to suit him somehow. +(_Enjoying the joke_.) He had very long arms. (GEORGE _is very annoyed_.) +Poor Jacko. + +GEORGE (_annoyed_). You don't seem to realize that this is not a joke, +Olivia. + +OLIVIA (_still amused_). It may not be a joke, but it is funny, isn't it? + +GEORGE. I must say I don't see anything funny in a tragedy that has +wrecked two lives. + +OLIVIA. Two? Oh, but Jacko's life isn't wrecked. It has just been +miraculously restored to him. And a wife, too. There's nothing tragic for +Jacko in it. + +GEORGE (_stiffly_). I was referring to _our_ two lives--yours and mine. + +OLIVIA. Yours, George? Your life isn't wrecked. The Court will absolve +you of all blame; your friends will sympathize with you, and tell you +that I was a designing woman who deliberately took you in; your Aunt +Julia-- + +GEORGE (_overwrought_). Stop it! (_Crossing over to her_.) What do you +mean? Have you no heart? (OLIVIA _gives a little hurt cry_.) Do you think +I _want_ to lose you, Olivia? (_Sits on her_ L.) Do you think I _want_ my +home broken up like this? Haven't you been happy with me these last five +years? + +OLIVIA. Very happy. + +GEORGE. Well then, how can you talk like that? + +OLIVIA. But you want to send me away, + +GEORGE. There you go again. I don't _want_ to. I have hardly had time to +realize just what it will mean to me when you go. The fact is I simply +daren't realize it. I daren't think about it. + +OLIVIA. Try thinking about it, George. + +GEORGE. And you talk as if I _wanted_ to send you away! + +OLIVIA. Try thinking about it, George. + +GEORGE. You don't seem to understand that I'm not _sending_ you away. You +simply aren't mine to keep. + +OLIVIA. Whose am I? + +GEORGE (_dubiously_). Your husband's. Telworthy's. + +OLIVIA (_gently_). If I belong to anybody but myself, I think I belong to +you. + +GEORGE. Not in the eyes of the Law. Not in the eyes of the Church. Not +even in the eyes of--er---- + +OLIVIA. The County? + +GEORGE (_annoyed_). I was about to say "Heaven." + +OLIVIA. Oh! + +GEORGE (_rising and crossing below_ OLIVIA _to_ C.). That this should +happen to _us_! (OLIVIA _works in silence. Then she shakes out her +curtains_.) + +OLIVIA (_looking at them_). I do hope Jacko will like these. + +GEORGE (_turning and seeing curtains_). What! You----(_Going up to her +quickly and taking her by the hands raises her from the settee_.) Olivia, +Olivia, have you no heart? + +OLIVIA. Ought you to talk like that to another man's wife? + +GEORGE. Confound it, is this just a joke to you? + +OLIVIA. You must forgive me, George; I am a little over-excited--at the +thought of returning to Jacob. + +GEORGE. Do you _want_ to return to him? + +OLIVIA. One wants to do what is right. In the eyes of--er--Heaven. + +GEORGE. Seeing what sort of a man he is, I have no doubt that you could +get a separation, supposing that he didn't--er--divorce you. I don't know +_what_ is best. I must consult my solicitor. The whole position has been +sprung on us, and (_miserably sits on stool_ L.C.) I don't know, I don't +know. I can't take it all in. (_Leaning forward and burying his face in +his hands_.) + +OLIVIA. Wouldn't you like to consult your Aunt Julia too? She could tell +you what the County--I mean what Heaven really thought about it. + +GEORGE. Yes, yes. Aunt Julia has plenty of common sense. You're quite +right, Olivia. This isn't a thing we can keep from the family. + +OLIVIA. Do I still call her _Aunt_ Julia? + +(ANNE _comes in from staircase up_ R. GEORGE _does not see her, but_ +OLIVIA _attracts his attention_.) + +GEORGE (_looking up at_ OLIVIA). What? What? (_Rising and crossing up to_ +ANNE.) Well, what is it? + +ANNE. Mr. Pim says he will come down at once, sir. + +GEORGE. Oh, thank you, thank you. + +(OLIVIA _picks up curtains._ ANNE _goes out up staircase up_ R.) + +OLIVIA. George, Mr. Pim has got to know. + +GEORGE. I don't see the necessity. + +OLIVIA. Not even for me? When a woman suddenly hears that her long-lost +husband is restored to her, don't you think she wants to ask questions? +Where is he living, and how is he looking, and-- + +GEORGE (_very angry, going to writing-table, sits_). Of course, if you +are interested in these things-- + +OLIVIA. How can I help being? Don't be so silly, George. (_Moves up to_ +R. _of_ GEORGE _with the curtains on her arm_.) We _must_ know what +Jacko-- + +GEORGE (_annoyed_) I wish you wouldn't call him by that ridiculous name. + +OLIVIA. My husband-- + +GEORGE (_wincing_). Yes, well--your husband? + +OLIVIA. Well, we must know his plans--where we can communicate with him, +and so on. + +GEORGE. I have no wish to communicate with him. + +OLIVIA. I'm afraid you'll have to, dear. + +GEORGE. I don't see the necessity. + +OLIVIA. Well, you'll want to--to apologize to him for living with his +wife for so long. (GEORGE _looks up and round at her nonplussed_). And as +I belong to him, he ought to be told where he can--call for me. + +GEORGE (_after a struggle and scratching his head_). You put it in a very +peculiar way, but I see your point. (_With a shudder_.) Oh, the horrible +publicity of it all! (_Turns away and leans on writing-table_.) + +OLIVIA (_going up to him and comforting him, placing her hands on his +shoulders_). Poor George. Dear, don't think I don't sympathize with you. +I understand so exactly what you are feeling. The publicity! It's +terrible. + +GEORGE (_miserably and turning in his chair to her_). I want to do what's +right. You believe that, don't you? + +OLIVIA. Of course I do. (_Taking her hands away_.) It's only that we +don't quite agree as to what is right and what is wrong. + +GEORGE. It isn't a question of agreeing. Right is right, and wrong is +wrong, all the world over. + +OLIVIA (_with a sad little smile_). But more particularly in +Buckinghamshire, I think. + +GEORGE. If I only considered myself, I should say: "Let us pack this man +Telworthy back to Australia. He would make no claim. He would accept +money to go away and say nothing about it." If I consulted simply my own +happiness, Olivia, that, is what I should say. But when I consult--er-- + +OLIVIA (_with great feeling_). Mine? + +GEORGE. My conscience---- + +OLIVIA (_disappointed_). Oh! + +GEORGE. Then I can't do it. (_Rises and is going up_ L.) It's wrong. + +OLIVIA (_making her first appeal_). Yes; but, George, don't you think I'm +worth a little-- + +GEORGE (_turning round, seeing_ DINAH _coming_). H'sh! Dinah! (_Moves +back to writing-table. Loudly for_ DINAH'S _benefit_.) Well, then I'll +write to him and--Ah, Dinah, where's Aunt Julia? + +DINAH (_coming in from up_ L.). We've seen the pigs, and now she's +discussing the Art of Landseer with Brian. (_Crossing in front of +writing-table to_ OLIVIA.) I just came to ask-- + +OLIVIA. Dinah, dear, bring Aunt Julia here. And Brian too. We have things +we want to talk about with you all. + +DINAH. Right-o! (_Moves back up_ L.) + +GEORGE (_outraged_). Olivia! + +DINAH (_turning on terrace_). What fun! + +(OLIVIA _goes to table_ L.C. _and picks up her work-box. Exit_ DINAH L.) + +GEORGE. Olivia, you don't seriously suggest that we should discuss these +things with a child like Dinah and a young man like Strange, a mere +acquaintance. + +OLIVIA. Dinah will have to know. I'm very fond of her, George. You can't +send me away without telling Dinah. And Brian is my friend. (_Moving to +cabinet, puts curtains and work-box on top of cabinet_.) You have your +solicitor and your aunt and your conscience to consult--mayn't I even +have Brian? + +GEORGE (_forgetting_). I should have thought that your _husband_-- + +OLIVIA (_coming down to_ L. _back end of settee_ L.). Yes, but we don't +know where Jacko is. + +GEORGE. I was not referring to--er--Telworthy. + +OLIVIA. Well then? + +GEORGE. Oh, of course--You--naturally I--Oh, this is horrible! (_Sits +with his face in his hands at writing-table_.) + +(OLIVIA _is about to speak to him as_ LADY MARDEN _enters from up_ L. +LADY MARDEN _looks at_ GEORGE, _then moves down to centre._ DINAH +_follows and comes to_ L. _back end of settee._ BRIAN _follows_ DINAH +_and comes to back of table_ L.C. OLIVIA _moves round to_ L. _end of +settee_ L.) + +OLIVIA (_after a pause_). George and I have had some rather bad news, +Aunt Julia. We wanted your advice. Where will you sit? + +LADY MARDEN. Thank you, Olivia. I can sit down by myself. + +(_She does so, on lower end of settee_ R., _moving cushion away_.) + +OLIVIA (_to_ DINAH). You sit there, my darling. + +(DINAH _sits in arm-chair down_ L. _and_ OLIVIA _on settee_ L. _There is +a good pause_. ALL _are looking very uncomfortable_.) + +LADY MARDEN. Well, what is it? + +(_Another pause_. ALL _are still looking very uncomfortable_.) + +Money, I suppose; nobody's safe nowadays. + +(_There is another good pause_. GEORGE _looks up hopelessly at_ LADY +MARDEN. BRIAN _moves up inquisitively towards_ GEORGE, _who turns and +gradually raising his head catches sight of_ BRIAN _and gives him a +severe look and_ BRIAN _retreats quickly to back of_ L.C. _table_.) + +GEORGE (_signalling for help_). Olivia---- + +OLIVIA (_after a pause_). We've just heard that my first husband is still +alive. + +DINAH. Telworthy! + +BRIAN. Good Lord! + +LADY MARDEN. George! + +DINAH (_excitedly_). And only this morning I was saying that nothing ever +happened in this house! (_Rising from arm-chair and sitting to_ L. _of_ +OLIVIA _and remorsefully to her_.) Darling, I don't mean that. Darling +one! + +LADY MARDEN. What does this mean, George? I leave you for ten minutes-- +barely ten minutes--to go and look at the pigs, and when I come back you +tell me that Olivia is a bigamist. + +(DINAH _jumps up and moves to_ L. _of settee_ L.) + +BRIAN (_indignantly advancing towards_ LADY MARDEN). I say---- + +OLIVIA (_restraining him_). H'sh! + +BRIAN (_to_ OLIVIA _and taking her hand across table_ L.C.). If this is a +row, I'm on your side. + +LADY MARDEN. Well, George? + +GEORGE (_rising and coming down to_ LADY MARDEN). I'm afraid it's true, +Aunt Julia. (_Taking stool from_ L.C. _to_ C., _sits on it_. DINAH _sits +in arm-chair down_ L.) We heard the news just before lunch--just before +you came. We've only this moment had an opportunity of talking about it, +of wondering what to do. + +LADY MARDEN. What was his name----Tel--something---- + +OLIVIA. Jacob Telworthy. + +LADY MARDEN (_in amazement_). So he's alive still? + +GEORGE. Apparently. There seems to be no doubt about it. + +LADY MARDEN (_to_ OLIVIA). Didn't you _see_ him die? I should always want +to _see_ my husband die before I married again. Not that I approve of +second marriages, anyhow. I told you so at the time, George. + +OLIVIA. _And_ me, Aunt Julia. + +LADY MARDEN. Did I? Well, I generally say what I think. + +GEORGE. I ought to tell you, Aunt Julia, that no blame attaches to Olivia +over this. Of that I am perfectly satisfied. It's nobody's fault, except---- + +LADY MARDEN. Except Telworthy's. _He_ seems to have been rather careless. +Well, what are you going to do about it? + +GEORGE. That's just it. It's a terrible situation (_With a gesture of +despair_.) There's bound to be so much publicity. Not only all this, but-- +but Telworthy's past. + +LADY MARDEN. I should have said that it was Telworthy's present which, +was the trouble. Had he a past as well? + +OLIVIA. He was a fraudulent company promoter. He went to prison a good +deal. + +(_General consternation_. BRIAN _gives a long whistle and goes up_.) + +LADY MARDEN. George, you never told me this! + +GEORGE. I--er---- + +OLIVIA. I don't see _why_ he should want to talk about it. + +DINAH (_indignantly rising and moving to L. end of settee_ L.). What's it +got to do with Olivia, anyhow? It's not _her_ fault. + +LADY MARDEN (_sarcastically and emphatically_). Oh, no, I daresay it's +mine. + +(_There is an uncomfortable pause_.) + +OLIVIA (_to_ GEORGE). You wanted to ask Aunt Julia what was the right +thing to do. + +BRIAN (_crossing down L.C. and bursting out_). Good Heavens, what is +there to do except the one and only thing? (_They all look at him and he +becomes embarrassed and backs up stage a little_.) I'm sorry. You don't +want _me_ to---- + +OLIVIA (_taking his hand across table_ L.C.). _I_ do, Brian. + +LADY MARDEN. Well, go on, Mr. Strange. What would _you_ do in George's +position? + +BRIAN (_crosses down to back of table_ L.C.). Do? Say to the woman I +loved, "You're _mine_ (_bangs table with his fist_), and let this other +damned fellow come and take you from me if he can!" And he couldn't--how +could he?--not if the woman chose _me_. + +(LADY MARDEN _gazes at_ BRIAN _in amazement_, GEORGE _in anger_. OLIVIA +_presses his hand gratefully. He has said what she has been waiting--oh, +so eagerly--for_ GEORGE _to say_. GEORGE _rises and goes angrily up to_ +BRIAN, _who defies him_. GEORGE _is subdued and moves helplessly up_ C. +_followed by_ BRIAN, _who is still defiant_. DINAH _rises and runs up_ L. +_and round back of settee_ L. _and up to left of_ BRIAN _and takes his +arm_.) + +DINAH (_adoringly_). Oh, Brian! (_In a loud whisper_.) It _is_ me, isn't +it, and not Olivia? + +BRIAN. You baby, of course! + +LADY MARDEN. I'm afraid, Mr. Strange (DINAH _with an exclamation of +annoyance comes down to_ L. _of settee_ L.), your morals are as peculiar +as your views on Art. + +BRIAN (_down to back of table_ L.C.). This is not a question of morals or +of art, it's a question of love. + +DINAH. Hear, hear! + +LADY MARDEN (_to_ GEORGE). Isn't it that girl's bed-time yet? + +OLIVIA (_to_ DINAH _and taking her hand_). We'll let her sit up a little +longer if she's good. + +DINAH. I will be good, Olivia (_aggressively to_ LADY MARDEN), only I +thought anybody, however important a debate was, was allowed to say +"Hear, hear!" + +GEORGE (_coming down_ C.). Really, Olivia, I really think we could +discuss this better if Mr. Strange took Dinah out for a walk. Strange, If +you--er---- + +OLIVIA. Tell them what you have settled first, George. + +LADY MARDEN. Settled? What is there to be settled? It settles itself. + +GEORGE (_sadly_). That's just it. + +LADY MARDEN. The marriage must be annulled--is that the word, George? + +GEORGE. I presume so. (_Sits on stool_ C.) + +LADY MARDEN. One's solicitor will know all about that, of course. + +BRIAN. And when the marriage has been annulled, what then? + +LADY MARDEN. Presumably Olivia will return to her husband. + +BRIAN (_bitterly to_ LADY MARDEN). And _that's_ morality! As expounded by +Bishop Landseer! + +GEORGE (_angered, rising and facing_ BRIAN). I don't know what you mean +by Bishop Landseer. Morality is acting in accordance with the Laws of the +Land and the Laws of the Church. I am quite prepared to believe that your +creed embraces neither marriage (DINAH _gives a little cry and bangs a +cushion on settee angrily_) nor monogamy, but my creed is different. + +BRIAN (_fiercely_). My creed includes both marriage and monogamy, and +monogamy means sticking to the woman you love, as long as she wants you. + +LADY MARDEN (_calmly_). You suggest that George and Olivia should go on +living together, although they have never been legally married. Bless the +man, what do you think the County would say? + +BRIAN (_scornfully_). Does it matter? + +DINAH. Well, if you really want to know, the men would say, "Gad, she's a +fine woman; I don't wonder he sticks to her," and the women would say, "I +can't _think_ what he sees in her to stick to her like that," and they'd +both say, "After all, he may be a damn fool, but you can't deny he's a +sportsman." + +(LADY MARDEN _is very indignant_.) + +GEORGE (_indignantly_). Was it for this sort of thing Olivia, that you +insisted on having Dinah and Mr. Strange in here? To insult me in my own +house? + +LADY MARDEN. I can't think what young people are coming to nowadays. + +OLIVIA. I think, dear, you and Brian had better go. + +DINAH (_getting up_). We will go. (_Crossing below_ OLIVIA _and putting +her knee on stool and looking cheekily up into_ GEORGE's _face_.) But I'm +just going to say one thing, Uncle George. Brian and I _are_ going to +marry each other, and when we are married we'll stick to each other, +however many of our dead husbands and wives turn up! Come on, Brian. +(_She goes up_ C. _and through window and goes out indignantly, followed +by_ BRIAN R.) + +(GEORGE _follows them up_.) + +GEORGE. Upon my word, this is a pleasant discussion. + +OLIVIA. I think the discussion is over, George. It is only a question of +where I shall go, while you are bringing your--what sort of suit did you +call it? + +LADY MARDEN (_to_ GEORGE). Nullity suit. I suppose that _is_ the best +thing? + +GEORGE. It's horrible. (_Moving down between stool and_ LADY MARDEN.) The +awful publicity. That it should be happening to _us_, that's what I can't +get over. + +LADY MARDEN. I don't remember anything of the sort in the Marden Family +before, ever. + +GEORGE (_absently_). Lady Fanny. + +LADY MARDEN (_recollecting_). Yes, of course; but that was two hundred +years ago. The standards were different then. (_Rising and going up_ C. +_to_ R.) Besides, it wasn't quite the same, anyhow. + +GEORGE (_absently_). No, it wasn't quite the same. + +LADY MARDEN (_R. of writing-table_). No. We shall all feel it. Terribly. + +GEORGE (_his apology_). If there were any other way! Olivia, what _can_ I +do? It _is_ the only way, isn't it? All that that fellow said--of course, +it sounds very well--but as things are.... (_Crossing towards_ OLIVIA.) +_Is_ there anything in marriage, or isn't there? You believe that there +is, don't you? You aren't one of these Socialists. Well, then, _can_ we +go on living together when you're another man's wife? It isn't only what +people will say, but it _is_ wrong, isn't it?.... And supposing he +doesn't divorce you, are we to go on living together, unmarried, for +_ever_? (LADY MARDEN _turns and listens_.) Olivia, you seem to think that +I'm just thinking of the publicity--what people will say. I'm not. I'm +not. That comes in any way. But I want to do what's right, what's best. I +don't mean what's best for us, what makes us happiest, I mean what's +really best, what's rightest. What anybody else would do in my place. +(OLIVIA _holds out her hands lovingly towards him_.) _I_ don't know. It's +so unfair. You're not my wife at all, but I want to do what's right.... +(_Sits foot of table_ L.C.) Oh, Olivia, Olivia, you do understand, don't +you? + +(_They have both forgotten_ LADY MARDEN. OLIVIA _has never taken her eyes +off him as he makes his last attempt to convince himself_.) + +OLIVIA (_almost tenderly_). So very, very well, George. Oh, I understand +just what you are feeling. And oh, I do so wish that you could--(_with a +little sigh_)--but then it wouldn't be George, not the George I married-- +(_with a rueful little laugh_)--or didn't quite marry. + +LADY MARDEN. I must say, I think you are both talking a little wildly. + +OLIVIA (_repeating it, oh, so tenderly_). Or didn't--quite--marry. + +(_She looks at him with all her heart in her eyes. She is giving him his +last chance to say "Damn Telworthy; you're mine!" He rises and crosses +to_ R. _He struggles desperately with himself, turns to_ OLIVIA.) + +GEORGE. Olivia! Olivia! My darling! + +(_She rises. He crosses to her and takes her in his arms_.) + +(ANNE _enters from double doors_ R.) + +ANNE. Mr. Pim is here, sir. + +OLIVIA (_prompting him_). Mr. Pim, dear. + +GEORGE (_emerging from the struggle with an effort_). Pim? Pim? Oh, ah, +yes, of course. (_Crossing up to_ ANNE.) Mr. Pim. (_Looking up_.) Where +have you put him? + +OLIVIA. I want to see Mr. Pim, too, George. + +LADY MARDEN (_coming down_ C. _to_ R. _of table_ L.C.). Who on earth is +Mr. Pim? + +OLIVIA. Show him in here, Anne. (GEORGE _comes back to_ C.) + +ANNE. Yes, madam. + +(_She goes out double doors_ R.) + +OLIVIA. It was Mr. Pim who told us about my husband. He came across with +him in the boat, and recognized him as the Telworthy he knew in +Australia. + +LADY MARDEN. Oh! Shall I be in the way? (_Moving down to_ R.C.) + +GEORGE. No, no. It doesn't matter, does it, Olivia? + +OLIVIA. Please stay. + +(LADY MARDEN _sits_ R. _settee_.) + +(ANNE _enters at double doors followed by_ MR. PIM.) + +ANNE. Mr. Pim. + +GEORGE (_pulling himself together_). Ah, Mr. Pim! Very good of you to +have come. + +PIM. Oh, not at all! + +GEORGE. The fact is--er--(_It is too much for him; he looks despairingly +at_ OLIVIA.) + +OLIVIA. We're so sorry to trouble you, Mr. Pim. By the way, do you know +Lady Marden? + +PIM (_centre_). No, I haven't the honour. + +GEORGE (_introducing_). My Aunt! Mr. Pim. + +(MR. PIM _and_ LADY MARDEN _bow to each other_.) + +OLIVIA. Do come and sit down, won't you? (_Pim is moving to_ L., _turns +and bumps into_ GEORGE, _who is following him. She makes room for him on +the sofa next to her_.) The fact is, Mr. Pim, you gave us rather a +surprise this morning, and before we had time to realize what it all +meant, you had gone. + +PIM. A surprise, Mrs. Marden? Dear me, not an unpleasant one, I hope? + +OLIVIA. Well, rather a--surprising one. (LADY MARDEN _coughs_.) + +(_Pim sits to_ R. _of_ OLIVIA, _who takes his hat and places it to her_ +L.) + +GEORGE (_turns to_ LADY MARDEN). Olivia, allow me a moment. Mr. Pim, you +mentioned a man called Telworthy this morning. My wife used to (LADY +MARDEN _gives a pronounced cough_)--that is to say, I used to--that is, +there are reasons-- + +OLIVIA. I think we had better be perfectly frank, George. + +LADY MARDEN (_aggressively_). I am sixty-five years of age, Mr. Pim, and +I can say that I've never had a moment's uneasiness by (_beating her knee +with her hand, stick in left hand_) telling the truth. + +(PIM _and_ LADY MARDEN _fix each other with a look_. PIM _then looks at_ +OLIVIA _and_ GEORGE _and leans back on settee_.) + +PIM (_after a desperate effort to keep up with the conversation_). Oh!... +I--er--I'm afraid I am rather at sea. Have I--er--left anything unsaid in +presenting my credentials to you this morning? + +GEORGE _and_ OLIVIA Oh, no! + +PIM. This Telworthy whom you mention--I seem to remember the name-- + +OLIVIA. Mr. Pim, you told us this morning of a man whom you had met on +the boat, a man who had come down in the world, whom you had known in +Sydney. A man called Telworthy. + +PIM (_relieved_). Ah, yes, yes, of course. (_To_ OLIVIA.) I did say +Telworthy, didn't I? Most curious coincidence, Lady Marden. Poor man, +poor man! Let me see, it must have been ten years ago-- + +GEORGE. Just a moment, Mr. Pim. You're quite sure that his name was +Telworthy? + +PIM (_to_ GEORGE). Telworthy--Telworthy--didn't I say Telworthy? Yes, +that was it--Telworthy. Poor fellow! + +OLIVIA. I'm going to be perfectly frank with you, Mr. Pim. I feel quite +sure that I can trust you. + +PIM. Oh, Mrs. Marden! + +OLIVIA. This man Telworthy whom you met is my husband. + +PIM. Your husband! (_He looks in mild surprise at_ GEORGE.) Your--er---- + +OLIVIA. My first husband. His death was announced six years ago. I had +left him some years before that, but there seems no doubt from your story +that he's still alive. His record--the country he comes from--above all, +the very unusual name--Telworthy. + +PIM. Telworthy--yes--certainly a most peculiar name. I remember saying +so. Your first husband? Dear me! Dear me! + +GEORGE. You understand, Mr. Pim, that all this is in absolute confidence. + +PIM (_turning to_ GEORGE). Of course, of course. + +OLIVIA (_pulling his arm, trying to attract his attention_). Well, since +he is my husband, we naturally want to know something about him. Where is +he now, for instance? + +PIM (_surprised and turning to_ OLIVIA). Where is he now? But surely I +told you? I told you what happened at Marseilles? + +GEORGE. At Marseilles? + +PIM (_to_ GEORGE). Yes, yes, poor fellow, it was most unfortunate. (_To_ +LADY MARDEN. OLIVIA _again pulls his arm, trying to attract his +attention_.) You must understand, Lady Marden, that although I had met +the poor fellow before in Australia, I was never in any way intimate---- + +GEORGE (_thumping the desk_). Where is he _now_, that's what we want to +know? + +(MR. PIM _turns to him with a start_.) + +OLIVIA. Please, Mr. Pim! + +PIM (_to_ OLIVIA). Where is he now? But--but didn't I tell you of the +curious fatality at Marseilles--poor fellow--the fish-bone? + +ALL. Fish-bone? + +PIM. Yes, yes, a herring, I understand. + +OLIVIA (_becoming hysterical_). Do you mean he's dead? + +PIM. Dead--of course he's dead. He's been dead---- + +OLIVIA (_laughing hysterically_). Oh, Mr. Pim, you--oh, what a husband to +have--oh, I----(_But that is all she can say for the moment_.) + +LADY MARDEN. Pull yourself together, Olivia. (_To_ PIM.) So he really is +dead this time? + +PIM. Oh, undoubtedly, undoubtedly. A fish-bone lodged in his throat. + +(LADY MARDEN _retreats to settee_ R. _again_.) + +GEORGE (_moving up_ C. _to_ L. _window, trying to realize it_). Dead! +Dead! + +PIM (_rising and turning to_ OLIVIA, _alarmed at her hysteria_). Oh, but, +Mrs. Marden! + +OLIVIA. I think you must excuse me, Mr. Pim. (_Crossing to_ C.) But a +herring! There's something about a herring---- + +(GEORGE _comes quickly to her, very concerned_.) + +(PIM _is also very concerned_.) + +(_Turning to_ GEORGE.) Oh, George! (_Shaking her head in a weak state of +laughter, turns to_ R. _and is about to hurry out of the room towards +staircase_ R.) + +QUICK CURTAIN. + + + + ACT III + + + +SCENE.--_The same and furniture exactly as in_ ACT II. + +(MR. PIM _is below settee_ L. _standing in same position as at the end +of_ ACT II. GEORGE MARDEN _is in centre of stage and_ LADY MARDEN _is at +foot of staircase. Their altitude is the same as at the end of_ ACT II, +_and all are concerned about_ OLIVIA'S _hysteria_.) + +GEORGE. Dead! Dead! + +PIM. Oh dear! Oh dear! I'm afraid I broke the news rather hastily. The +double shock of losing one husband and being restored to another-- + +LADY MARDEN (_coming to_ GEORGE). A dispensation of Providence, George. +One can regard it in no other light. (_Moves to_ R. _of writing-table_.) + +GEORGE (_coming to_ PIM). Yes! Yes! Well, I'm much obliged to you, Mr. +Pim, for having come down to us this afternoon, and you understand that +your news, though tardy, has been very welcome. _De Mortuis_, and so +forth. + +(LADY MARDEN _crosses at back of writing-table to_ L.) + +PIM (_sadly repeating_). _De Mortuis--_ + +GEORGE (_shaking hands--anxious to get rid of him_). Well, good-bye, and +again our thanks. + +(_Crosses below and to_ L. _of_ PIM _and rings bell below fireplace_.) + +PIM (_crossing to centre_). Not at all. I shouldn't have broken the news +so hastily. (_Catches sight of_ LADY MARDEN _up_ L., _and with a profound +bow_.) Good-bye, Lady Marden. + +LADY MARDEN (_equally profound_). Good-bye, Mr. Pim. + +PIM. I'm afraid I broke the news too hastily. (_Goes to table_ B.C. _and +takes up_ GEORGE'S _cap in mistake for his hat and is moving towards +double-doors when_ GEORGE, _noting this, picks up_ PIM'S _hat from_ L. +_of stage where it has been left from previous_ ACT, _and crosses with it +to_ PIM.) + +GEORGE. Mr. Pim, excuse me, but I think this is yours. + +PIM (_he takes it and looks at it closely, comparing it with the cap_). +This isn't my hat at all. (_Puts_ GEORGE'S _cap down on table again_.) + +No, that isn't my hat. (_Takes his own hat from_ GEORGE.) This is my hat. +Good-bye! (_Shakes hands_.) Thank you so much. (_Looking at cap on +table_.) Oh, no! Oh, no! (_Moves nearer to door_ R.) Telworthy... I +_think_ that was the name. + +(_Exit doors_ R.) + +(LADY MARDEN, _annoyed at_ PIM'S _stupidity, comes down to_ L. _of_ +GEORGE.) + +GEORGE (_turning to_ LADY MARDEN _and with a sigh of thankfulness_). +Well, this is wonderful news, Aunt Julia. + +LADY MARDEN. Most providential. Well, I must be getting along now, +George. Say good-bye to Olivia for me. + +GEORGE (_crossing towards double-doors as if to open them_). Good-bye, +Aunt Julia. + +LADY MARDEN. No! No! I'll go this way--(_going up to_ L. _of writing- +table_)--and get Olivia out more, George. I don't like these hysterics. +(_Banging writing-table_.) You want to be firmer with her. + +GEORGE. Yes! Yes! Good-bye. + +LADY MARDEN (_going off up_ L.). Good-bye. + +GEORGE (_back again down centre and with great thankfulness_). Dead! +Dead! (_Moves down to below settee_ L.) + +(OLIVIA _enters from staircase, watching him and coming quietly to_ C.) + +GEORGE (_approaching her enthusiastically_). Olivia! Olivia! (_Is about +to embrace her, but she restrains him_.) + +OLIVIA (_drawing herself up_). Mrs. Telworthy! + +GEORGE (_taken aback_). What? Olivia! I--I don't understand. + +OLIVIA. Well, darling, if my husband only died at Marseilles a few days +ago---- + +GEORGE (_scratching his head_). Yes, I see--I see. Well, we can soon put +that right. (_Moving to_ L.) A registry office in London. Better go up +this afternoon. We can't do these things too quickly--we can stay at an +hotel. + +OLIVIA (_pointedly_). You and Mrs. Telworthy! (_Moves slowly round back +of settee_ L.) + +(GEORGE _moves to centre_.) + +GEORGE (_nonplussed_). Oh--er--yes--yes--perhaps I'd better stay at my +Club--yes! It will be a bit awkward at first. (_With a sigh of relief_.) +However, nobody need know, and how much better than what we feared! + +(OLIVIA _comes down to below settee_ L.) + +GEORGE (_advancing to embrace her_). Olivia! Olivia! + +(_She repulses him and he crosses to her_ L.) + +OLIVIA. Mrs. Telworthy! + +GEORGE. Yes--yes, I know, but why do you keep on saying it? What's the +matter with you? You're so strange to-day. You're not like the Olivia I +know. + +OLIVIA (_sits on settee to_ R.). Perhaps you don't know me so very well, +after all. + +GEORGE (_sitting--affectionately to her_ L.). Oh, that's nonsense--old +girl. You're just my Olivia. Now we can get married again quietly and +nobody will be any the worse. + +OLIVIA. Married again! Oh, I see, you want me to marry you at a registry +office to-morrow? + +GEORGE. If we can arrange it by then. (_Rising and crossing below_ OLIVIA +_to centre_.) I don't know how long these things take, but I should +imagine there would be no difficulty. + +OLIVIA. Oh, no, I think that part of it ought to be quite _easy_. But-- +(_She hesitates_.) + +GEORGE. But what? + +OLIVIA. Well, if you want to marry me to-morrow, George, oughtn't you to +propose to me first? + +GEORGE (_amazed_). Propose? + +OLIVIA. Yes. It is usual, isn't it, to propose to a person before you +marry her? And--and we want to do the usual thing, don't we? + +GEORGE (_upset_). But you--I mean we-- + +OLIVIA. You are George Marden, I am Olivia Telworthy, you are attracted +by me and think I would make you a good wife, and you want to marry me-- +very well, then, naturally you propose to me first. + +GEORGE (_falling into the humour of it, as he thinks, and with a hearty +laugh moves to below stool_ L.C.). The baby! Did she want to be proposed +to all over again? + +OLIVIA (_coyly_). Well, she did rather. + +GEORGE (_rather fancying himself as an actor, he adopts what he considers +to be an appropriate attitude_). She shall then. Er--ah, Mrs. Telworthy, +I have long admired you in silence, and the time has now come to put my +admiration into words (_but apparently he finds a difficulty_)--er--er-- + +OLIVIA (_looking up at him quizzically and prompting him into words; +repeating_). I--I--(_Looking down coyly_.) Oh, Mr. Marden! + +(GEORGE _roars with laughter and crosses to centre_.) + +GEORGE (_returning to her_). Olivia--er--may I call you Olivia? + +OLIVIA. Yes, George. + +(OLIVIA _puts out her hand and_ GEORGE _notices it_.) + +GEORGE. I beg your pardon! Oh, I see. (_Taking her hand in his he gives +it a good slap and she winces_.) Olivia, I--(_Hesitates_.) + +OLIVIA. I don't want to interrupt, but oughtn't you to be on your knees? +It is--usual, I believe. GEORGE. Really, Olivia, you must allow me to +manage my own proposal in my own way. + +OLIVIA (_meekly--and resuming her coyness_). I'm sorry. Do go on. + +GEORGE. Well--er--confound it, Olivia, I love you. Will you marry me? + +OLIVIA. Thank you, George, I will think it over. + +GEORGE (_laughing_). Silly girl. (_Pats her on the shoulder and crosses +to_ R.) Well, then, to-morrow morning. No wedding cake, I'm afraid, +Olivia. (_He laughs again and moves up centre_.) But we'll go and have a +good lunch somewhere. + +OLIVIA. I will think it over, George. + +GEORGE (_good-humouredly and coming down to back of settee to her_ R.). +Well, give me a kiss while you're thinking. + +OLIVIA. I'm afraid you mustn't kiss me until we are actually engaged. + +GEORGE (_laughing uneasily, and sitting and leaning over on table_ L.C. +_towards_ OLIVIA). Oh, we needn't take it as seriously as all that. + +OLIVIA. But a woman must take a proposal seriously. + +GEORGE (_a little alarmed at last_). What do you mean? + +OLIVIA. Well, what I mean is that the whole question--(_with a sly look +at_ GEORGE)--as I heard somebody say once, demands much more anxious +thought than either of us has given it. These hasty marriages---- + +GEORGE (_rising and crossing at back of_ OLIVIA _round settee and to_ L. +_of_ OLIVIA). Hasty! + +OLIVIA. Well, you've only just proposed to me, and you want me to marry +you to-morrow. + +GEORGE. Now you're talking perfect nonsense, Olivia. You know quite well +that our case is utterly different from--well--from any other. + +OLIVIA. All the same, one must ask oneself questions. With a young girl +like--well, with a young girl--love may well seem to be all that matters. +But with a woman of my age it is different. I have to ask myself whether +you can afford to support a wife. + +GEORGE. You know perfectly well that I can afford to support a wife as my +wife should be supported. + +OLIVIA. Oh, I am glad. Then your income--you are not really worried about +that at all? + +GEORGE (_stiffly_). You know perfectly well what my income is. I see no +reason for anxiety, in the future. + +OLIVIA. Ah, very well, then we needn't think about it any more. + +GEORGE. You know I can't make out what you're up to. (_Sits to her_ L. +_on settee_.) Don't you want to get married--to--er--legalize this +extraordinary situation in which we are placed? + +OLIVIA. I must consider the whole question very carefully. I can't just +jump at the very first offer I have had since my husband died. (_Rising +and crossing to centre_.) + +GEORGE. Oh, so I'm under consideration, eh? + +OLIVIA (_moving up_ R.C.). Every suitor is. + +GEORGE. Oh, very well, go on! Go on! + +OLIVIA. Well then, there's your niece. You have a niece living with you. +Of course Dinah is a delightful girl, but one doesn't like marrying into +a household where there's another grown-up woman. But perhaps she will be +getting married herself soon. + +GEORGE. I see no prospect of it. + +OLIVIA. It would make it so much easier, George, if she did. + +GEORGE (_rising_). Is this a threat, Olivia? (_Crossing up to_ OLIVIA.) +Are you telling me that if I do not allow young Strange to marry Dinah, +you will not marry me? + +OLIVIA. A threat? Oh, no, George. But I was just wondering if you love me +as much as Brian loves Dinah. You do love me? + +GEORGE (_from his heart_). Of course I do, old girl. + +OLIVIA. You're sure it's not just my pretty face that attracts you. Love +which is based upon mere outward appearances cannot result in lasting +happiness--as one of our thinkers has observed. (_Moving down to settee_ +R.) + +GEORGE. Why should you doubt my love? You can't pretend that we haven't +been happy together. (OLIVIA _sits on settee_ R.) I've--(_taking a chair +from_ L. _of table_ R.C. _brings it down to_ L. _of_ OLIVIA) I've been a +good pal to you, eh? We--we suit each other, old girl. + +OLIVIA. Do we? + +GEORGE (_sitting_). Well, of course we do. + +OLIVIA. I wonder. When two people of our age think of getting married, +one wants to be quite sure that there is real community of ideas between +them. Supposing that after we have been married some years we found +ourselves getting estranged from each other upon such questions as +Dinah's future, or the comparatively trivial matter like the right colour +for a curtain, or the advice to be given to a friend who had innocently +contracted a bigamous marriage. Think how bitterly we should regret our +hasty plunge into a matrimony which was no true partnership, whether of +tastes or ideas or even of consciences. (_With a sigh_.) Ah me! + +GEORGE (_turning to her quickly_). Unfortunately for your argument, +Olivia, I can answer you out of your own mouth. You seem to have-- +(_laughing_)--forgotten what you said this morning in the case of--er-- +young Strange. + +OLIVIA (_with exaggerated reproach_). Oh, but is it quite fair, George, +to drag up _what was said this morning_? + +GEORGE (_enjoying his apparent success_). Ha ha! You've brought it on +yourself. + +OLIVIA. I?... Well, and what did I say this morning? + +GEORGE. You said that it was quite enough that Strange was n gentleman +and in love with Dinah for me to let them marry each other. + +OLIVIA. Oh! But is that enough, George? + +GEORGE (_triumphantly_). Well, you said so. + +OLIVIA (_meekly_). Well, George, if you think so too, I'm quite willing +to risk it. + +GEORGE (_kindly, rising and putting back chair up_ R.C.). Ha ha, my dear! +You see! + +OLIVIA. Then you _do_ think it's enough? + +GEORGE. I--er--yes, yes, I--I think so. + +OLIVIA (_rising and going to him and putting her hands on his +shoulders_). My darling one! How jolly! Then we can have a double +wedding. + +GEORGE (_astonished_). A double one! + +OLIVIA. Yes, you and me, Brian and Dinah. + +GEORGE (_firmly, and taking her hands from his shoulders_). Now look +here, Olivia, understand once and for all, I am not to be blackmailed +into giving my consent to Dinah's engagement. Neither blackmailed nor +tricked. (_Crossing to_ L. _below settee_.) Our marriage has nothing +whatever to do with Dinah's. + +OLIVIA. No, dear, I quite understand. They may take place about the same +time, but they have nothing whatever to do with each other. + +GEORGE (_sits on foot of table_ L.C.). I see no prospect of Dinah's +marriage taking place for many years. + +OLIVIA. No, dear, that was what I said. + +GEORGE (_not understanding for the moment_). You said----? I see. +(_Turning and facing her_.) Now look here, Olivia, let us have this +perfectly clear. You apparently insist on treating my--er--proposal as +serious. + +OLIVIA (_mock surprise_). But isn't it? Have you been trifling with me? + +GEORGE. You know perfectly well what I mean. You treat it as an ordinary +proposal for a man to a woman who have never been anything to each other +before. Very well then, will you kindly tell me what you propose to do if +you decide to--ah--accept me? You do not suggest that we should go on +living together--unmarried? + +OLIVIA (_shocked_). Of course not, George!! What would--(_pausing for +additional explanation_)--the County--I mean Heaven--I mean the Law--I +mean--of course not. Besides, it's so unnecessary. If I decide to accept +you, of _course_ I shall marry you. + +GEORGE. Quite so. And if you--ah--decide to refuse me, what will you do? + +OLIVIA. Nothing. + +GEORGE. Meaning by that? + +OLIVIA. Just that, George. I shall stay here--just as before. + +(GEORGE _rises and approaches her, about to expostulate_.) + +I like this house. (_Crossing below_ GEORGE, _looking about the room to +below settee_ L.) It wants a little redecorating, but I do like it, +George... Yes, I shall be perfectly happy here! (_Sits on settee_.) + +GEORGE. I see. You will continue to live down here--in spite of what you +said just now about the--the immorality of it. + +OLIVIA (_surprised_). But what is there immoral in a widow living alone +in a big country house--with perhaps the niece of a dear friend of hers-- +staying with her to keep her company. + +GEORGE (_sarcastic_). Oh, and pray what shall I be doing when you've so +very kindly taken possession of my house for me? + +OLIVIA. You! Oh, I can't _think_! Travelling, I expect. + +GEORGE (_indignant and advancing to her_). Thank you! And suppose I +refuse to be turned out of my own house? + +OLIVIA. Then, seeing that we can't both be in it, it looks as though +you'd have to turn me out. (_To herself_.) There must be legal ways of +doing these things. You'd have to consult your solicitor again. + +GEORGE. Legal ways? + +OLIVIA. Well, you couldn't just throw me out, could you? You'd have to +get an injunction against me-- + +(GEORGE, _very annoyed, turns away_.) + +--or prosecute me for trespass--or something. Of course I shouldn't go if +I could help it, I like the house so much.... It would make an awfully +unusual case, wouldn't it? The papers would be full of it. + +GEORGE. The papers! + +OLIVIA (_calling as paper boy_). Extra special! Widow of well-known +ex-convict takes possession of J.P.'s house! Special! Special! + +GEORGE (_angrily_). I've had enough of this. (_Coming to table_ L.C. _and +speaking across_.) Do you mean all this nonsense? + +OLIVIA. Well, what I _do_ mean _is_, that I am in no hurry to go up to +London and get married. I love the country just now, and--(_with a +sigh_)--after this morning, I'm--rather tired of husbands. + +GEORGE (_in a rage_). I've never heard so much--damned (_bangs table_) +... nonsense in my life. _I will leave you to come back to your senses._ + +(_He goes out, up staircase up_ R.) + +(OLIVIA _rises and crosses to centre, watching_ GEORGE _off. She kisses +her hands to him, then turning to_ L. _sees curtains and work-box and +extending her arms in ecstasy goes to cabinet, takes them up and comes +down_ L. OLIVIA _sits on settee with curtains in her lap and places the +work-box to her_ L. _on settee, and as she does so_ MR. PIM _enters from +up_ R. _through windows and coming to_ R. _of writing-table taps it with +his umbrella to attract_ OLIVIA'S _attention. She turns and sees him. He +looks nervously round at staircase_ R. _fearing the return of_ GEORGE.) + +PIM (_in a whisper_). Er--may I come in, Mrs. Marden? + +OLIVIA (_in surprise_). Mr. Pim! + +PIM (_anxiously and again looking round at staircase_). Mr. Marden is-- +er--not here? + +OLIVIA (_getting up_). No! Do you want to see him? I will---- + +PIM (_another look round at staircase and moving down centre_). No, no, +no! Not for the world. There is no immediate danger of his returning, +Mrs. Marden? + +OLIVIA (_surprised_). No, I don't think so, Mr. Pim. (_Puts down +curtains_). But... what is it? You---- + +PIM. I took the liberty of returning by the window in the hope of finding +you alone. + +OLIVIA (_sitting again_). Yes? + +PIM (_still rather nervous and throwing up his arms in distress_). Mr. +Marden will be so angry with me, and very rightly. Oh, I blame myself. I +blame myself entirely. I don't know how I can have been so stupid. (_Sits +on stool_ L.C. _very concerned_). + +OLIVIA. What is it, Mr. Pim? My first husband hasn't come to life again, +has he? + +PIM. No! No! No! (_Looking round to_ R. _and speaking very mysteriously +across table_ L.C.) The fact is--his name was Pelwittle. + +OLIVIA (_at a loss_). Whose? My husband's? + +PIM. Yes, yes. Henry Pelwittle, poor fellow. + +OLIVIA. But _my_ husband's name was Telworthy. + +PIM. No! Oh dear, no! Pelwittle. (_Firmly_.) It came back to me suddenly +just as I reached the gate--Henry Pelwittle, poor fellow. + +OLIVIA. But really, Mr. Pim, I ought to know. + +PIM. No! No! Pelwittle. + +OLIVIA. But who is Pelwittle? + +PIM (_in surprise at her stupidity_). The man I told you about, who met +with the sad fatality at Marseilles. Henry Pelwittle.... (_With hand on +chin, thinking deeply_.) Or was it _Ernest_? No! _Henry_ Pelwittle, poor +fellow. + +OLIVIA (_indignantly_). But, Mr. Pim, you said his name was Telworthy. +How could you? + +PIM. Oh, I blame myself, I blame myself entirely. + +OLIVIA. But how could you _think_ of a name like Telworthy if it wasn't +Telworthy? + +PIM (_eagerly_). Ah, ah, that is the really interesting thing about the +whole matter. + +OLIVIA (_reproachfully_). Yes, Mr. Pim, all your visits here to-day have +been very interesting. + +PIM. Oh, very interesting, very interesting, You see, Mrs. Marden, when I +made my first appearance here this morning I was received by--Miss Diana, +who---- + +OLIVIA. Dinah! + +PIM. I beg your pardon? + +OLIVIA. Dinah. Her name is Dinah! + +PIM (_pauses_). You're quite right. Dinah--oh yes. Miss Dinah, yes. She +was in--er--rather a communicative mood, and I suppose by way of passing +the time she mentioned that before your marriage--to Mr. Marden you had +been a Mrs.--er---- + +OLIVIA. Telworthy. + +PIM. Telworthy, yes, of course. She also mentioned Australia. Now by some +curious process of the brain--which strikes me as decidedly curious--when +I was trying to recollect--the name of the poor fellow on the boat, whom +you will remember I had also met in Australia, the fact that this other +name was also stored in my memory, a name equally peculiar--this fact I +say---- + +OLIVIA (_seeing that the sentence is rapidly going to pieces_). Yes, I +quite understand. + +PIM. I blame myself, I blame myself entirely. + +OLIVIA. Oh, you mustn't do that, Mr. Pim. + +PIM. Oh, but, Mrs. Marden, can you forgive me for the needless distress I +have caused you to-day? + +OLIVIA. Oh, you mustn't worry about that, please. + +PIM. And you will tell your husband--you'll break the news to him? + +OLIVIA (_amazed_). Oh, yes! I'll break the _news_ to him. + +PIM (_rising and holding out his hand_). Well then, I think before he +comes back I will say good-bye and--er---- + +OLIVIA (_rising_). Just a moment, Mr. Pim. Let us have it quite clear +this time. You never knew my husband Jacob Telworthy? + +PIM. No! + +OLIVIA. You never met him in Australia? + +PIM. No! + +OLIVIA. You never saw him on the boat? + +PIM. No! + +OLIVIA. And nothing _whatever happened to him at Marseilles?_ + +PIM. No! + +OLIVIA. Is that right? + +PIM (_hesitating and thinking it out very deeply_). I think so. + +OLIVIA. Very well, then, since his death was announced in Australia six +years ago, he is presumably still dead? + +PIM. Undoubtedly. + +OLIVIA (_holding out her hand with a charming smile_). Then good-bye, +Mr. Pim, and thank you so much for--for all your trouble. + +PIM. Not at all, Mrs. Marden. I blame myself, I blame myself entirely. + +OLIVIA. Oh! You mustn't do that. + +(_Going up centre_ PIM _meets_ DINAH, _who enters from the window +up L., crosses at back of writing-table and comes down R. of him_). + +(DINAH is followed by BRIAN, who is on her R.). + +DINAH. Hullo, there's Mr. Pim. (_To_ BRIAN.) + +PIM (_nervously looking at the door in case_ MR. MARDEN _should +come in_). Yes, yes I--er-- + +DINAH. Oh, Mr. Pim, you mustn't run away without even saying +how-do-you-do! Are you staying to tea? + +PIM (_looking off at staircase nervously_). I'm afraid I-- + +OLIVIA. Mr. Pim has to hurry away, Dinah. You mustn't keep him. + +DINAH. Well, but you'll come back again? + +PIM. I fear that I am only a passer-by, Miss--er--Dinah. + +OLIVIA. You can take Mr. Pim as far as the gate. + +PIM (_gratefully to_ OLIVIA). Thank you. (_With nervous look +at staircase R., he edges towards the windows._) If you would +be so kind, Miss Dinah--. + +DINAH (_taking his arm_). Come along then, Mr. Pim. + +BRIAN. I'll catch you up. + +DINAH (_taking him up L._). I want to hear all about your first wife. + +PIM. Oh, but I haven't got a first wife. + +DINAH. You haven't really told me anything yet. + +(_They go off up L._) + +BRIAN. I'll catch you up. + +(OLIVIA _resumes her work, and_ BRIAN _crosses down to foot of +table L.C., and sits on it._) + +BRIAN (_awkwardly_). I just wanted to say, if you don't think it cheek, +that I'm--I'm on your side, if I may be and if I can help you at all, +I shall be very proud of being allowed to. + +OLIVIA (_looking up at him and taking his hand_). Brian, you dear, +that's sweet of you. But it's quite all right now, you know. + +BRIAN. What? + +OLIVIA. Yes, that's what Mr. Pim came back to say. He'd made a +mistake about the name-- + +BRIAN (_rising_). Good Lord! + +OLIVIA (_smiling_). George is the only husband I have. + +BRIAN (_surprised_). What? You mean that the whole thing that Pim-- + +OLIVIA (_repeating_). The whole thing. + +BRIAN (_crossing up to window R. and shouting off to L. and +with conviction_). Silly ass! + +OLIVIA (_kindly_). Oh, no, no, I'm sure he didn't mean to be. (_After a +pause_.) Brian, do you know anything about the law? + +BRIAN (_coming down_ C.). The law? I'm afraid not. I hate the law. Why? +(_Sits at foot of table_ L.C.) + +OLIVIA. Well, I was just wondering. Suppose that George and I had +accidentally married each other a second time thinking that the first +marriage wasn't quite right, and then we found the first marriage was all +right--well---- + +BRIAN. What on earth do you mean? + +OLIVIA. Well, what I mean is that there's nothing wrong in marrying the +same person twice? + +BRIAN (_rising and moving to centre, thinking it out_). Oh, no. A hundred +times if you like, I should think. + +OLIVIA. Oh! + +BRIAN. After all, in France they always go through it twice, don't they? +Once before the Mayor or somebody, and once in church. + +OLIVIA. Of course they do! How silly of me. You know, that's a very good +idea. They ought to do that more in England. + +BRIAN. Well, once will be enough for Dinah and me, if you can work it. +(_Anxiously_.) D'you think there's any chance, Olivia? + +OLIVIA (_smiling_). Every chance, dear. + +BRIAN (_coming to above table_ L.C.). I say, do you really? Have you +squared him? I mean has he---- + +(GEORGE _is heard humming the tune of "Pop goes the weasel" off_ R.) + +OLIVIA. You go and catch them up now. We'll talk about it later on. + +BRIAN. Bless you. Right-o! + +(_Going up_ L. _and off up_ L.) + +(_As he goes out by the windows,_ GEORGE _comes in at the doors_ R. +GEORGE _stands_ R.C., _and then turns to_ OLIVIA, _who is absorbed in her +curtain. He walks up and down the room, fidgeting with things, waiting +for her to speak. As she says nothing, he begins to talk himself, but in +an obviously unconcerned way. There is a pause after each answer of hers, +before he gets out his next remark_.) + +GEORGE (_casually_). Good-looking fellow, Strange. What? + +OLIVIA (_equally casually_). Brian, yes, isn't he? And such a nice boy. + +GEORGE. Yes, yes! (_Catching sight of curtain she is sewing. Hums the +tune of "Pop goes the weasel"--crossing down_ R. _to piano, plays a few +notes of "Pop goes the weasel" with one finger_.) Got fifty pounds for a +picture the other day, didn't he? (_Moving up stage a little_.) + +OLIVIA. Ah, yes! Of course he has only just begun---- + +GEORGE. The critics think well of him, (_Slight pause_.) What? + +(_Up C. by chair front of writing-table_.) + +OLIVIA. They all say he has genius. Oh, I don't think there's any doubt +about it. (_Pause_.) + +(GEORGE _left of writing-table_.) + +GEORGE. No, no! (_Slight pause, and he sings again_.) Of course I don't +profess to know anything about painting, myself. + +OLIVIA. You've never had time to take it up, dear. + +GEORGE (_coming down_ L. _a little_.) No! No! Of course I know what I +like. Can't say I see much in this new-fangled stuff. If a man can paint, +why can't he paint like--like Rubens, or--or Reynolds, or---- + +OLIVIA. I suppose we all have our own styles. Brian will be finding his, +directly. Of course, he's only just beginning. (_Pause_.) + +GEORGE (_crossing up centre_). Yes, yes. But the critics think a lot of +him, what? + +OLIVIA. Oh, yes. + +GEORGE. Yes! H'm! (_Pause_.) Good-looking fellow. + +(_There is rather a longer silence this time._ GEORGE _coming round back +of settee L. continues to hope that he is appearing casual and +unconcerned--he stands looking at_ OLIVIA'S _work for a moment_.) + +GEORGE (_down_ L.). Nearly finished 'em? + +OLIVIA. Very nearly. (_Smiling to herself, turns away to R., pretending +to look for scissors_.) Have you seen my scissors anywhere? + +GEORGE (_looking round_). Scissors? + +OLIVIA (_turns to_ L. _and finds them in her work-box_). It's all right, +here they are---- + +GEORGE (_down_ L. _below chair facing_ OLIVIA). Where are you thinking of +hanging 'em? + +OLIVIA (_as if really wondering_). I don't quite know.... I _had_ thought +of this room, but--I'm not quite sure. + +GEORGE (_crossing below_ OLIVIA _to centre_). Ah! Yes! Brighten the room +up a bit. + +OLIVIA. Yes. + +GEORGE (_walking up centre a little towards windows_). H'm, yes----They +are a bit faded. + +OLIVIA (_shaking out hers, and looking at them critically_). You know, +sometimes I think I love them, and sometimes I'm not quite sure. + +GEORGE. Best way is to hang 'em up and see how you like 'em. Always take +'em down again. + +OLIVIA. Oh, that's a good idea, George. + +GEORGE. Best way. + +OLIVIA. Yes.... I think we might try that--(_looking round at settee and +carpets, etc_.)--the only thing is--(_She hesitates_.) + +GEORGE. What? + +OLIVIA. Well, the carpets and the chair-covers and the cushions and +things-- + +GEORGE. Well, what about 'em? + +OLIVIA. Well, if we had new curtains-- + +GEORGE. You'd want a new carpet, eh? + +OLIVIA (_doubtfully_). Well, _new chair-covers, anyhow._ + +GEORGE. H'm!... Well, why not? + +OLIVIA. Oh, but-- + +GEORGE (_with an awkward laugh_). We're not so hard up as all that, you +know. + +OLIVIA (_quickly_). No, I don't suppose we are really-- + +GEORGE. No, no, no, yes--I mean no. + +OLIVIA (_thoughtfully_). I suppose it would mean that I should have to go +up to London to choose them. You know, that's rather a nuisance. + +GEORGE (_extremely casual and moving towards_ OLIVIA). Oh, I don't know. +We might go up together one day. + +OLIVIA. Well, of course if we _were_ up--for anything else-- + +GEORGE (_moving away dubiously_). Yes, yes! That's what I meant. + +(_There is another silence_. GEORGE _is wondering whether to come to +closer quarters with the great question_.) + +OLIVIA. Oh, by the way, George-- + +GEORGE. Yes? + +OLIVIA (_innocently_). I told Brian, and of course he'll tell Dinah, that +Mr. Pim had made a mistake about the name. + +GEORGE (_astonished, moving towards_ OLIVIA). Mistake about the name? + +OLIVIA. Yes--I told Brian that the whole thing was a mistake, I thought +that was the simplest way. + +GEORGE. Olivia--(_crossing below and to her_ L.)--then you mean that +Brian and Dinah think that--that we have been married all the time? + +OLIVIA. Yes. + +GEORGE (_coming closer to her_). Olivia, does that mean that you are +thinking of marrying me? + +OLIVIA. At your old registry office? + +GEORGE (_eagerly_). Yes! + +OLIVIA. To-morrow? + +GEORGE. Yes. + +OLIVIA. Do you want me to very much? + +GEORGE. My darling, you know I do. + +OLIVIA. We should have to keep it very quiet, George. + +GEORGE. Well, of course--(_sitting to her_ L.)--nobody need know. We +don't want anybody to know. And now that you've put Brian and Dinah off +the scent, by telling them that--(_he breaks off and says admiringly_)-- +that was very clever of you, Olivia. I should never have thought of that. + +OLIVIA (_innocently_). George--you don't think it was _wrong_, do you? + +GEORGE (_his verdict, taking her hands and patting them_). An innocent +deception... perfectly harmless. + +OLIVIA. Yes, dear, that was what I thought about--about--(_laughing to +herself_) what I was doing. + +GEORGE. Then you will come up to London to-morrow? + +(_She nods_.) + +And if we should see a carpet or anything else we want---- + +OLIVIA. Oh, George! + +GEORGE (_beaming, rising and backing away to_ L. _a little_). And lunch +at the Carlton, what? + +OLIVIA (_nodding eagerly_). Oh! + +GEORGE. And--and a bit of a honeymoon in Paris? + +OLIVIA. Oh, what fun! + +GEORGE (_hungrily_). Give me a kiss, old girl. + +OLIVIA (_lovingly_). George! + +(_She holds up her cheek to him. He kisses it, and then suddenly takes +her in his arms_.) + +GEORGE. Don't ever leave me, old girl. + +OLIVIA (_affectionately_). Don't ever send me away, old boy. + +GEORGE (_fervently_). I won't. (_Awkwardly_.) I--I don't think I _should +have_ really, you know. I--I---- + +(DINAH _enters from up_ L. _and crosses at back of writing-table and +round down_ R. BRIAN _follows her_.) + +DINAH (_seeing the embrace, surprised_). Oo--I say! + +(GEORGE _looks and feels rather a fool_.) + +GEORGE. Hallo! + +(OLIVIA _sits, resumes sewing_.) + +DINAH (_coming down centre and going below settee_ L., _impetuously to +him_). Give me one, too, George. Brian won't mind. + +GEORGE (_formally, but enjoying it_). Do you mind, Mr. Strange? + +BRIAN (_a little uncomfortable_). Oh, I say, sir---- + +GEORGE. We'll risk it, Dinah. (_He kisses her_.) + +DINAH (_triumphantly to_ BRIAN _and standing above_ GEORGE). Did you +notice that one? That wasn't just an ordinary affectionate kiss. That was +a special "bless you my children" one. (_To_ GEORGE.) Wasn't it? + +OLIVIA. You do talk nonsense, darling. + +DINAH (_crossing quickly below and to_ R. _of_ BRIAN). Well, I'm so happy +now that Pim has relented about your first husband--(GEORGE _catches_ +OLIVIA'S _eye and smiles; she smiles back; but they are different +smiles_.) + +GEORGE (_the actor_). Yes, yes, stupid fellow, Pim, what? + +BRIAN. Yes. Absolute idiot, I think! + +DINAH. And now that George has relented about--(_with a significant look +at_ BRIAN)--_my_ first husband---- + +GEORGE. Here, you get on much too quickly. (_Crossing below_ OLIVIA _to_ +BRIAN.) So you want to marry my Dinah, eh? + +BRIAN (_with a smile_). Well, I do rather, sir. + +GEORGE (_to_ BRIAN). Well, you'd better have a talk with me about it--er-- +(_with a sly look at_ OLIVIA)--Brian. + +BRIAN. Thank you very much, sir. + +(GEORGE _goes up and_ BRIAN, _imitating his walk, accompanies him_.) + +GEORGE. Well, come along then. (BRIAN _looks at his watch_.) I am going +up to town after tea, so we'd better---- + +DINAH (_moving up to_ R. _of_ BRIAN). I say, are you going to London? + +GEORGE (_with a sly look at_ OLIVIA). Yes, a little business. + +DINAH (_cheekily_). Eh? + +GEORGE. Never you mind, young woman. (_To_ BRIAN.) Come along, we'll +stroll down and look at the pigs. + +BRIAN. Right-o! + +(_They are going off to_ L. _when_ OLIVIA _calls_.) + +OLIVIA. George, don't go too far away; I may want you. + +GEORGE. All right! I'll be out on the terrace. Give me a shout if you +want me. + +(GEORGE _and_ BRIAN _go off at windows up_ L.) + +(DINAH _follows up_ R. _and watches them off_.) + +DINAH (_watching them off_). Brian and George always discuss me in front +of the pigs. So tactless of them. I say, are you going to London, too, +darling? (_Coming down to table_ L.C.) + +OLIVIA. To-morrow----(_Rising and shaking out curtains_.) + +DINAH. What are you going to do in London? + +OLIVIA. Oh, shopping and--one or two little things. + +DINAH. With George? + +OLIVIA. Yes. (_Crossing up centre below_ DINAH _with curtains_.) + +DINAH (_sits on table_ L.C.). I say, wasn't it lovely about Pim? + +OLIVIA. Lovely? + +DINAH. Yes, he told me all about it. Making such a hash of things, I +mean. + +OLIVIA (_innocently_). Did he make a hash of things? + +DINAH. Well, I mean keeping on coming like that. And if you look at it +all round--well, for all he had to say, he needn't have come at all. + +OLIVIA. Well, I don't think I should put it quite like that, Dinah. + +DINAH (_referring to curtains_). I say, aren't they jolly? + +OLIVIA. I'm so glad everybody likes them. Tell George I'm ready, dear. + +DINAH. I say, is _he_ going to put them up for you? + +OLIVIA. Well, I thought perhaps he could reach better. + +DINAH. All right, I'll tell him. (_Crossing up_ L. _on to terrace and +calling off_.) George! (_Returning to back_ L. _end of writing-table_.) +Brian is just telling George about the five shillings he has in the Post +Office--(_crossing up_ L. _on to terrace again and calling off_.) +George!! + +GEORGE (_from off_ L.). Coming! + +DINAH (_playfully coming down centre, imitating a fairy's footsteps_). +Slow music while the curtains go up. (_Sits at piano and plays "As I +passed by your Window.")_ + +(_GEORGE enters from up_ L., _followed by_ BRIAN.) + +GEORGE (_to_ OLIVIA). What is it, darling? + +OLIVIA. I wish you'd help me to put up these curtains? + +GEORGE. Of course, dear. I'd better get the library steps. (_Crosses to +doors R. and exits_.) + +(BRIAN _goes quickly to OLIVIA and gratefully kisses her hand, then comes +down to DINAH and bows to her_.) + +BRIAN. Madam! I have the honour to inform you that hence-forward you are +at liberty to regard me as your affianced husband. + +DINAH (_rising quickly and advancing_). Darling! + +BRIAN (_waving her back_). No! No! Stay there! (_She retreats and sits at +piano_.) Go on playing. + +(DINAH _goes on playing and he takes out a sketch-book, sits on settee +and sketches her_.) + +DINAH. What is it? + +(OLIVIA _comes down centre, watching them_.) + +BRIAN. Portrait of Lady Strange. + +(_GEORGE enters from doors_ R. _with steps and crossing up R. places them +near_ R. _window_.) + +OLIVIA (_she hands him the curtains and goes up L. of writing table and +round back, watching_ GEORGE). Are you ready, dear? + +GEORGE (_mounting the steps_). Yes, quite ready. + +OLIVIA. There! (_The curtains become entangled and he nearly falls_.) Oh, +take care, dear! + +GEORGE (_again mounting steps_). Oh, that's all right, dear. They're a +little long. (_The curtains become entangled round his head_.) + +(MR. PIM _enters mysteriously from up_ L.) + +(OLIVIA _is looking up at_ GEORGE.) + +(PIM _touches her on the shoulder and with a start she turns to him_. +DINAH _seeing him enter stops playing. OLIVIA, unwilling to attract_ +GEORGE'S _attention, signals to_ DINAH _to continue playing, and, she +does so_.) + +PIM. Mrs. Marden! I _had_ to come back--I've just remembered his name was +_Ernest_ Polwittle--not _Henry_! (_Going off up_ L.) Not Henry! + +(DINAH _plays forte_.) + +QUICK CURTAIN. + + + +SCENE PLOT + + + +_Oak panelled chamber_, with deep decorative frieze. + +_Ceiling cloth_, painted with carved oak beams. + +_Fireplace_.--Large open stone fireplace decorated all over with +flutings and carved stone + +_Doors_.--Heavy oak doors down R. to open off. + +_Windows_.--C. windows (French windows) opening on stage from +terrace. + +_Stairs_.--Stairs up back R. with carved balustrade. Transparent +windows stained glass at top of stairway. + +_Back cloth_.--Painted garden and terrace with stone seat C. + + + + +PROPERTY PLOT + + + +ACT I + + +_Stage cloth down_.--Parquette stage cloth with marble pavement +piece attached at back for terrace + +_Persian carpet_ laid up and down R. + +_Persian carpet_ laid up and down L. + +_Settee_ set across down L. (Jacobean settee upholstered in +tapestry). + +_On settee_ L. Two tapestry cushions. + +_Occasional Jacobean table_ to R. of settee down L. + +_Stool_.--Upholstered in rose R. of table. + +_Semi-grand piano_, with keyboard down stage, _down_ R. below +double doors. + +_On piano_.--Dinah's musical instrument. + Silk pink brocade piano cover. + Photo of Olivia in frame. + Photo of George Marden in frame. + Photo of Dinah in frame. + Photo of Brian in frame. + E.P. mirror. + Blue china bowl containing flowers. + Quantity of music. + +_Occasional Jacobean chair_.--Below piano. + +_Settee_ (small Queen Anne cane-backed) upholstered in tapestry +set up and down stage against and to L. of piano. + +_Cushion_--dark gold brocade--on settee. + +_Table_ (occasional Jacobean) above settee to L., of piano. + +_On table_.--Illustrated papers. + Rose-coloured piece of brocade. + +_Chair_ (occasional Jacobean with rose-coloured squab) L. of +occasional table above settee. + +_Sideboard_ (Jacobean) up R. against back wall. + +_On sideboard_.--Metal bowl (with flowers) + Match stand. + Matches (safety). + Ash tray. + Tobacco jar filled. + George's pipe filled. + Photo in frame. + Cigarette box (with cigarettes). + Vase lamp with shade. + +_Arm-chair_ (Jacobean with rose-coloured squab)--L. of sideboard +facing out of windows. + +_Curtains._--Pair of rose-coloured corduroy curtains with tie +backs for centre windows. +Single rose-coloured corduroy curtain for archway up R. hung on upstage +side of arch. + +_Stairs._--Painted canvas ataircloth. +Brass stair rods. + +_Occasional chair_ (Jacobean with rose-coloured squab).--L. of +windows and against back wall. + +_Table_ (occasional Jacobean).--Up L. against back wall. + _On table._--Metal bowl containing pink azalea plant in pot. + +_Writing-table._--In front and below C. windows (leather topped). + _On writing-table._--Specimen glass with flowers + Writing materials. + Matches in stand. + Ash tray. + Paper and pen rack. + Small bookcase. + +_Arm-chair_ (Jacobean) below writing-table C. + +_Large cabinet_ (Jacobean Court cupboard) with three cupboard +doors and on short legs--up L. against L. wall above fireplace. + _In cupboard._--Very pronounced _yellow and black +curtains_ with webbing arranged _for Olivia_ to stitch on +rings. + _Work-box_ for Olivia containing needles, thread, quantity of +rings, scissors. + _On top of cupboard._--Metal bowl with palm in pot. + Pair of scissors (extra as an emergency for Brian's business). + Large glass with flowers. + +_Waste-paper basket._--To L. of writing-table. + +_Fireplace (L_.).--Brass dogs and antique fire tongs. + +_Combined brass switch and bell pushes_ on wall down L. below +fireplace. + +_Brass spill-box_ above bell pushes on wall L. below fireplace. + +_Table_ (small Jacobean round cane topped) in angle of fireplace +and wall down L. below fireplace. + _On table._--Match stand and matches (safety). + Ash tray. + +_Arm-chair_(Jacobean with rose-coloured squab) down L. and to R. +of circular table L. facing up stage. + +_Pictures on walls._--Picture in gold frame on wall down R. + Picture in gold frame on wall above double doors R. + Picture in gold frame R. of R. wall at back. + Picture in gold frame L. of R. wall at back. + Picture in gold frame R. of L. back wall. + Picture in gold frame L. of L. back wail. + + + +HAND PROPERTIES. + + +_Off_ R.--Card salver and card for _Anne_. + Letter in envelope unstamped on salver. + Letter in envelope stamped for Mr. Pim. + Letter in envelope not stamped for _George Marden_. + Gentleman's visiting card (Mr. Carraway Pim) for _George +Marden_. + + +ACT II + +_Same Scene and Properties_. +Dinah's small guitar on piano. + +Set on Terrace + 3 light green canvas camp chairs. + 2 green and white striped camp chairs. + Folding camp table with green baize top. + +Curtains refolded and placed in cupboard Left. + +_Off_ R. + Large double handled E.P. tray. + 5 coffee cups (coloured for coffee) and saucers + 5 coffee spoons. + Sugar basin with sugar. + +Small hunting crop for _Lady Marden_. +Thick leather gloves for _Lady Marden_. +Cigarette case for _Brian_. + + +ACT III + +_Same Set and Furniture as Act II_. + +_Off_ R.--Pair of short library steps (for _George Marden_). + + + +ELECTRIC PLOT + + +_Chandelier_ (C.).--Jacobean bronze 6-light chandelier hanging +centre NOT lighted. + +_Brackets_ on walls. + _One on wall down_ L. + One each side of back wall between windows and staircase R. + One each side of back wall between windows and wall L. + All above pictures, _not lighted_. + +_Fire_ in fireplace, NOT LIGHTED. + +_Lengths_.--Length in stairway, amber and white. + Length in entrance by double door down R. + +_Foots_.--Amber and white. + +_Battens_.--Ceiling batten, amber and white. + No. 5 batten, amber and white. + +_Arcs_.--2 perch arcs o.p. ) + 2 perch arcs p.s. ) Light amber and frost. + No. 1 o.p. flood stage down L.C. + No. 2 o.p. on settee down R. + No. 1 p.s. on settee L. + No. 2 p.s. on stool and flood C. + +_Flood Arcs_.--Two flood arcs on back cloth L. and R. + _Flood_ arc on transparency windows above stairs R. + _Focus_ arc through windows C., L. of windows of writing-table + and doors down R. into room. Sunlight effect. + +_To open_.--All lights full up and remain for Acts I, II and III. + +[ILLUSTRATION: Electric Plan "Mr. Pim Passes By"] + + + + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK, MR. PIM PASSES BY *** + +This file should be named mrppb10.txt or mrppb10.zip +Corrected EDITIONS of our eBooks get a new NUMBER, mrppb11.txt +VERSIONS based on separate sources get new LETTER, mrppb10a.txt + +Project Gutenberg eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the US +unless a copyright notice is included. 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FOR PUBLIC DOMAIN EBOOKS*Ver.02/11/02*END* + diff --git a/old/mrppb10.zip b/old/mrppb10.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..74cef35 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/mrppb10.zip diff --git a/old/mrppb10h.htm b/old/mrppb10h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..7a7dea5 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/mrppb10h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,4245 @@ +<!DOCTYPE HTML PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD HTML 4.01 Transitional//EN"> +<HTML> +<HEAD> +<TITLE>The Project Gutenberg eBook of Mr. Pim Passes By, by Alan Alexander Milne</TITLE> +<META HTTP-EQUIV="content-Type" CONTENT="text/html; charset=us-ascii"> +<style type="text/css"> + <!-- + h1,h2,h3,h4 { text-align: center; font-weight: bold; font-variant: small-caps } + h1 { margin-top: 2em } + h2 { margin-top: 1.5em } + h3 { margin-top: 1.25em } + .smallcaps { font-variant: small-caps } + --> +</style> +</HEAD> +<BODY> +<H1>The Project Gutenberg eBook of Mr. Pim Passes By, by Alan Alexander Milne</H1> + +<PRE> +Copyright laws are changing all over the world. Be sure to check the +copyright laws for your country before downloading or redistributing +this or any other Project Gutenberg eBook. + +This header should be the first thing seen when viewing this Project +Gutenberg file. Please do not remove it. Do not change or edit the +header without written permission. + +Please read the "legal small print," and other information about the +eBook and Project Gutenberg at the bottom of this file. Included is +important information about your specific rights and restrictions in +how the file may be used. You can also find out about how to make a +donation to Project Gutenberg, and how to get involved. + + +**Welcome To The World of Free Plain Vanilla Electronic Texts** + +**eBooks Readable By Both Humans and By Computers, Since 1971** + +*****These eBooks Were Prepared By Thousands of Volunteers!***** + + +Title: Mr. Pim Passes By + +Author: Alan Alexander Milne + +Release Date: January, 2005 [EBook #7310] +[This file was first posted on April 10, 2003] +[Date last updated: January 19, 2005] + +Edition: 10 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: US-ASCII + +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK, MR. PIM PASSES BY *** + + + + +Curtis A. Weyant, Stan Goodman, Charles Franks, and the Distributed +Proofreading Team + + + +</PRE> + +<h1>Mr. Pim Passes By</h1> + +<h2>A Comedy in Three Acts</h2> + +<p align="center" class="smallcaps">by</p> + +<h3>A. A. Milne</h3> + + + +<h2>Characters</h2> + +<blockquote class="smallcaps">The Original Cast at the Gaiety Theatre, Manchester</blockquote> + +<p>George Marden, J.P. . . . . . . . . . <i>Mr. Ben Webster.</i><br /> +Olivia (his Wife) . . . . . . . . . . <i>Miss Irene Vanbrugh.</i><br /> +Dinah (his Niece) . . . . . . . . . . <i>Miss Georgette Cohan.</i><br /> +Lady Marden (his Aunt) . . . . . . . . <i>Miss Sybil Carlisle.</i><br /> +Brian Strange . . . . . . . . . . <i>Mr. Philip Easton.</i><br /> +Carraway Pin . . . . . . . . . . <i>Mr. Dion Boucicault.</i><br /> +Anne . . . . . . . . . . <i>Miss Ethel Wellesley.</i></p> + +<p>The action takes place in the morning-room at Marden House, +Buckinghamshire, on a day in July.</p> + + +<blockquote class="smallcaps">The Original London Cast at the New Theatre</blockquote> + +<p>George Marden, J.P. . . . . . . . . . <i>Mr. Ben Webster.</i><br /> +Olivia (his Wife) . . . . . . . . . . <i>Miss Irene Vanbrugh.</i><br /> +Dinah (his Niece) . . . . . . . . . . <i>Miss Georgette Cohan.</i><br /> +Lady Marden (his Aunt) . . . . . . . . <i>Miss Ethel Griffes.</i><br /> +Brian Strange . . . . . . . . . . <i>Mr. Leslie Howard.</i><br /> +Carraway Pin . . . . . . . . . . <i>Mr. Dion Boucicault.</i><br /> +Anne . . . . . . . . . . <i>Miss Ethel Wellesley.</i></p> + + + + +<h1>Mr. Pim Passes By</h1> + + + + +<h1>Act I</h1> + + + +<p><i>The morning-room at Marden House (Buckinghamshire) decided more than +a hundred years ago that it was all right, and has not bothered about +itself since. Visitors to the house have called the result such +different adjectives as "mellow," "old-fashioned," "charming"–even +"baronial" and "antique;" but nobody ever said it was "exciting." +Sometimes</i> <span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> <i>wants it to be more exciting, and last week she +rather let herself go over some new curtains; she still has the rings +to put on. It is obvious that the curtains alone will overdo the +excitement; they will have to be harmonized with a new carpet and +cushions.</i> <span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> <i>has her eye on just the things, but one has to +go carefully with</i> <span class="smallcaps">George</span>. <i>What was good enough, for his great-great-grandfather is good enough for him. However, we can trust</i> +<span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> <i>to see him through it, although it may take time.</i></p> + +<p><i>A scene plot is given at the end of the play.</i></p> + +<p><i>There are three ways of coming into the room: by the open windows +leading from the garden, by the doors to R., or by the staircase from +up</i> R, <span class="smallcaps">Mr. Pim</span> <i>chooses the latter way–or rather</i> <span class="smallcaps">Anne</span> <i>chooses +it for him; and</i> <span class="smallcaps">Mr. Pim</span> <i>kindly and inoffensively follows her. She +comes down steps and crosses to</i> C., <i>followed by</i> <span class="smallcaps">Mr. Pim</span>.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Anne</span> (<i>moves up, looking off</i> L. <i>and returning to</i> <span class="smallcaps">Pim</span> +R.C.). I'll tell Mr. Marden you're here, sir. Mr. Pim, isn't it?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span> (<i>nervously</i>). Yes–er–Mr. Pim–Mr. Carraway Pim. He doesn't +know me, you understand, but if he could just spare me a few moments–er—(<i>He fumbles in his pockets</i>.) I gave you that letter?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Anne</span>. Yes, sir, I'll give it to him.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span> (<i>brings out a stamped letter which is not the one he was looking +for, but which reminds him of something else he has forgotten. Looking +at letter</i>). Oh! Dear me!</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Anne</span>. Yes, sir?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span>. Dear me. I ought to have posted this. (<i>Looking at letter</i>.) +Oh, well, I must send a telegram. You have a telegraph office in the +village?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Anne</span>. Oh, yes, sir. (<i>Moving up to terrace up</i> L. <i>and pointing +off</i> L.) If you turn to the left when you get outside the gates, +it's about a hundred yards down the hill. Turn to the left and down the +hill.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span>. Turn to the left and down the hill. Thank you, thank you. Very +stupid of me to have forgotten.</p> + +<p>(<span class="smallcaps">Anne</span> <i>exits up staircase R</i>.)</p> + +<p>(<span class="smallcaps">Mr. Pim</span> <i>wanders about the room humming to himself, and looking at +the pictures and photos on piano. Then goes out at window up</i> L.) +(<span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> <i>enters from staircase up</i> R. <i>dancing, and humming the +air of "Down on the Farm:" she is nineteen, very pretty, very happy, +and full of boyish high spirits and conversation. She dances to foot of +stairs, looks off</i> R., <i>then down</i> C., <i>then to piano; sits +and plays a few bars and sings "Down on the Farm," rises and moves up +to</i> R. <i>of piano, and as she does so</i> <span class="smallcaps">Pim</span> <i>re-enters from +window up</i> L. <i>and they come suddenly face to face up back</i> C. +<i>below the writing-table. There is a slight pause</i>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> (<i>backing a step</i>). Hullo!</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span>. You must forgive me, but... Good morning, Mrs. Marden.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span>. Oh, I say, <i>I</i>'m not Mrs. Marden. I'm Dinah.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span> (<i>with a smile</i>). Then I will say, Good morning. Miss Diana.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> (<i>reproachfully</i>). Now, look here, if you and I are going to +be friends, you mustn't do that. Dinah, <i>not</i> Diana. Do remember +it, there's a good man, because I get so tired of correcting people. +(<i>Moving down</i> C. <i>to</i> B.) Have you come to stay with us? +(<i>Sits on settee</i> R.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span> (<i>following her down</i>). Well, no, Miss–er–Dinah.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> (<i>nodding</i>). That's right. I can see I shan't have to speak +to <i>you</i> again. Now tell me your name, and I bet you I get it +right first time. And do sit down.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span> (<i>crossing to</i> L. <i>and sitting on settee</i> L.). Thank you. +My name is–er–Pim, Carraway Pim–</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span>. Pim, that's easy.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span>. And I have a letter of introduction to your father–</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> (<i>rising and crossing to</i> R. <i>of table</i> L.C. <i>and +speaking across same</i>). Oh, no; now you're going wrong again, Mr. +Pim. George isn't my father; he's my uncle. Uncle George–he doesn't +like me calling him George. Olivia doesn't mind–I mean she doesn't +mind being called Olivia, but George is rather touchy. (<i>Sitting on +table, facing</i> <span class="smallcaps">Pim</span>.) You see, he's been my guardian since I was +about two, and then about five years ago he married a widow called Mrs. +Telworthy.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span> (<i>repeating</i>). Mrs. Telworthy.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span>. That's Olivia–so she became my Aunt Olivia, only she lets me +drop the Aunt. (<i>Speaking very sharply</i>.) Get that?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span> (<i>a little alarmed</i>). I–I think so, Miss Marden.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> (<i>admiringly</i>). I say, you <i>are</i> quick, Mr. Pim. Well, +if you take my advice, when you've finished your business with George, +you will hang about a bit and see if you can't see Olivia. (<i>Rising +and moving</i> C.) She's simply–(<i>feeling for the word</i>)–devastating. I don't wonder George fell in love with her.</p> + +<p>(<i>Moving to above piano</i> R., <i>looking at photos, etc.</i>)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span> (<i>rising and looking at his watch and coming</i> C.). It's only +the merest matter of business–just a few words with your uncle–Perhaps I'd better...</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> (<i>looking at photo on top end of piano</i>). Well, you must +please yourself, Mr. Pim. I'm just giving you a friendly word of +advice. Naturally, I was awfully glad to get such a magnificent aunt. +(<i>Moving down to</i> L. <i>of piano and taking up and looking at +photo of</i> <span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>.) Because, after all, marriage <i>is</i> rather a +toss up, isn't it?–</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span> (<i>taken aback</i>). Well, I don't, know, I haven't had any +experience...</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> (<i>continuing</i>). And George might have gone off with anybody. +(<i>Moving to</i> <span class="smallcaps">Pim</span>.) It's different on the stage, where guardians +always marry their wards, but George couldn't marry <i>me</i> because +I'm his niece. Mind you, I don't say that I should have had him, +because, between ourselves, he's a little bit old-fashioned.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span>. So he married–er–Mrs. Marden instead.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span>. Mrs. Telworthy–don't say you've forgotten already, just when +you were getting so good at names. Mrs. Telworthy. (<i>Moves to and +sits on settee</i> R.) You see, Olivia married the Telworthy man and +went to Australia with him, and he drank himself to death in the bush, +or wherever you drink yourself to death out there, and Olivia came home +to England, and met my uncle, and he fell in love with her and proposed +to her–(<i>rises and kneels on settee</i>)–and he came into my room +that night–I was about fourteen–and turned on the light and said, +"Dinah, how would you like to have a beautiful aunt of your very own?" +(<span class="smallcaps">Pim</span> <i>laughs</i>.) And I said: "Congratulations, George." (<span class="smallcaps">Pim</span> +<i>laughs again</i>.) That was the first time I called him George. Of +course, I'd seen it coming for weeks. Telworthy, isn't it a funny name?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span>. Oh, a most curious name–Telworthy. From Australia, you say?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span>. Yes, I always say that he's probably still alive, and will turn +up here one morning and annoy George.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span> (<i>shocked</i>). Oh!</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span>. But I'm afraid there's not much chance.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span> (<i>shocked</i>). Miss Marden! Really!</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span>, Well, of course, I don't really <i>want</i> it to happen, but it +<i>would</i> be rather exciting. (<i>Crossing to</i> <span class="smallcaps">Pim</span>.) Wouldn't it, +Mr Pim?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span>. Exciting!</p> + +<p>(<span class="smallcaps">Pim</span> <i>crosses to below settee</i> L.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span>. However, things like that never seem to occur down here, +somehow, (<i>Running up into window up</i> R. <span class="smallcaps">Pim</span> <i>watches her</i>.) +There was a hayrick burnt last year about a mile away, but that isn't +the same, is it?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span>. No, I should say that that was certainly different.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> (<i>coming to back of table</i> L.C.). Of course, something very, +very wonderful did happen last night. (<i>Backing away</i>.) No, no! +I'm not sure if I know you well enough–(<i>She looks at him +hesitatingly</i>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span> (<i>uncomfortably</i>). Really, Miss Marden, you mustn't. I am only +a–a passer-by, here to-day and gone to-morrow. You really mustn't–</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> (<i>looking round and earning down to</i> <span class="smallcaps">Pim</span>), And yet there's +something about you, Mr. Pim, which inspires confidence.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span> (<i>moving to</i> L.). Oh, no. Really, you mustn't tell me.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> (<i>taking his arm</i>). The fact is–(<i>in a stage +whisper</i>)–I got engaged last night!</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span>. Dear me, let me congratulate you. I wish somebody would come here.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> (<i>running up to foot of staircase up</i> R. <i>and looking +off</i>), I expect that's why George is keeping you such a long time. +(<i>Turning to</i> <span class="smallcaps">Pim</span>.) Brian, my young man, the well-known painter–only nobody has ever heard of him–he's smoking a pipe with George in +the library and asking for his niece's hand. (<i>Coming back to</i> +<span class="smallcaps">Pim</span>, <i>and taking his hands, she dances round with him in a +circle</i>.)</p> + +<p>(<span class="smallcaps">Pim</span> <i>falls exhausted and coughing on to settee</i> L. <i>and</i> +<span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> <i>laughing sits on settee</i> R.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span>. Isn't it exciting? You're really rather lucky, Mr. Pim–I mean +being told so soon. Even Olivia doesn't know yet.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span>. Yes, yes, I congratulate you, Miss Marden. Perhaps it would be +better–(<i>About to get up</i>.)</p> + +<p>(<span class="smallcaps">Anne</span> <i>comes in from staircase up</i> R. <i>She comes to</i> C.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Anne</span>. Mr. Marden is out at the moment, sir–</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> (<i>disappointed</i>). Oh!</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Anne</span> (<i>seeing</i> <span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span>). Oh, I didn't see you, Miss Dinah!</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span>. Out! Eh? Dear! Dear!</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span>, It's all right, Anne. (<i>Rising</i>.) <i>I'm</i> looking after +Mr. Pim.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Anne</span>. Very well, Miss.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span> (<i>sotto voce</i>). Out! Oh, well, I'd better go–</p> + +<p>(<i>Exit</i> <span class="smallcaps">Anne</span> <i>up staircase</i> B.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> (<i>excitedy</i>). That's me. (<i>Running up to foot of staircase +and watching</i> <span class="smallcaps">Anne</span> <i>off</i>.) They can't discuss me in the library +without breaking down–(<i>coming down</i> R. <i>and imitating</i> +<span class="smallcaps">George</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smallcaps">Brian</span>)–so they're walking up and down outside, and +slashing at the thistles in order to conceal their emotion. You know. I +expect Brian–(<i>Crossing up to</i> R. <i>of window</i>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span> (<i>rising, calling</i>). Miss Marden! Miss Marden! (<i>Looking at +his watch</i>.) Yes, I think, Miss Marden, I had better go now and +return a little later. I have a telegram which I want to send, and +perhaps by the time I come back your uncle will be able–</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> (<i>coming to</i> <span class="smallcaps">Pim</span>). Oh, but how disappointing of you, when we +were getting on together so nicely! And it was just going to be your +turn to tell me all about yourself.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span>. I have really nothing to tell, Miss Marden. I have a letter of +introduction to your uncle, who in turn will give me, I hope, a letter +to a certain distinguished man whom it is necessary for me to meet. +That is all. (<i>Holding out his hand</i>.) And now, Miss Marden, I +really think I'd better be going.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> (<i>taking his arm and hading him up stage</i> C. <i>to</i> L.). +Oh, I'll start you on your way to the post office.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span>. Will you? Now, that's really very kind of you.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span>. No, it isn't.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span>. Oh, but it is! You're a very kind little girl.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span>. I want to know if you're married–</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span>. Oh, no, I'm not married.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span>.–and all that sort of thing. You've got heaps to tell me, Mr. +Pim. Have you got your hat? (<span class="smallcaps">Pim</span> <i>shows his hat</i>.) Oh yes! That's +right.</p> + +<p>(<span class="smallcaps">Brian Strange</span> <i>comes in from window up</i> R. <i>He is what</i> +<span class="smallcaps">George</span> <i>calls a damned futuristic painter chap, aged 24. To look at +he is a very pleasant boy, rather untidily dressed. He is about to +tell</i> <span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> <i>the result of his interview with</i> <span class="smallcaps">George</span> <i>when +he catches sight of</i> <span class="smallcaps">Pim</span>.)</p> + +<p>Then we'll–hullo, here's Brian! (<i>Crossing below and to his</i> R. +<i>seizing him</i>.) Brian, this is Mr. Pim! Mr. Carraway Pim. He's +been telling me all about himself.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span>. I haven't said a word. I never opened my mouth.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span>. It's so interesting. He's just going to send a telegram, and +then he's coming back again. Mr. Pim–(<i>coyly and moving down to head +of settee</i> R.)–this is Brian–<i>you</i> know,</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span> (<i>nodding</i>). How-do-you-do?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span>. How-do-you-do, sir?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> (<i>pleadingly and crossing below</i> <span class="smallcaps">Brian</span> <i>to</i> <span class="smallcaps">Pim</span>), +You won't mind going to the post office by yourself now, will you? +(<i>Coyly moving up to chair by writing-table and nervously kicking her +ankle, etc</i>.) Because, you see, Brian and I–(<i>She looks lovingly +at</i> <span class="smallcaps">Brian</span>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span> (<i>moved to sentiment</i>). Miss Dinah and Mr.–er–Brian, I have +only come into your lives for a moment, and it is probable that I shall +now pass out of them for ever, but perhaps you will permit an old man–</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span>. Oh, not so old!</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span> (<i>chuckling happily</i>). Not old? Well, shall we say a middle-aged man–(<span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> <i>nods assent</i>. <span class="smallcaps">Pim</span> <i>laughs again</i>)–a +middle-aged man to wish you both every happiness in the years that you +have before you. (<i>Crossing in front of</i> <span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span>, <i>shakes hands +with</i> <span class="smallcaps">Brian</span>.) Good-bye–(<i>shaking hands with</i> <span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span>)–good-bye, +and thank you so much. Oh, I know my way. (<i>Moving up</i> L. <i>and +turning to</i> <span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span>.) Turn to the left and down the hill? Turn to the +left and down the hill.</p> + +<p>(<i>Exit</i> <span class="smallcaps">Pim</span> <i>up</i> L. <span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> <i>watches him off up</i> L. <i>on +terrace and</i> <span class="smallcaps">Brian</span> <i>up</i> R.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> (<i>coming into the room below writing-table to</i> R.C.). Brian, +he'll get lost if he goes that way.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span> (<i>crossing at back of windows and calling after him up</i> L.). +Round to the left, sir. Yes, that's right. (<i>He comes back into the +room, crossing down</i> L.C.) Rum old bird. Who is he?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span>. Darling, you haven't kissed me yet.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span> (<i>moving up to her and pulling her down to below settee</i> +L.), Oh, I say. I oughtn't to, but then one never ought to do the nice +things.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span>. Why oughtn't you?</p> + +<p>(<i>They sit on the sofa together–</i><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span> <i>to</i> R., <span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> +<i>to</i> L.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span>. Well, we said we'd be good until we'd told your uncle and aunt +all about it. You see, being a guest in their house–</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span>. But, darling child, what <i>have</i> you been doing all this +morning <i>except</i> telling George?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span>. Oh, <i>trying</i> to tell George.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> (<i>nodding</i>). Yes, of course, there's a difference.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span>. I think he <i>guessed</i> there was something up, and he took me +down to see the pigs–he said he had to see the pigs at once–I don't +know why; an appointment perhaps. And we talked about pigs all the way, +and I couldn't say, "Talking about pigs, I want to marry your niece–"</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> (<i>with mock indignation</i>). Oh, of course you couldn't.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span>. No. Well, you see how it was. And then when we'd finished +talking <i>about</i> pigs, we started talking <i>to</i> the pigs–</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> (<i>eagerly</i>). Oh, <i>how</i> is Arnold?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span>. Arnold...? Oh yes, that's the little black-and-white one? He's +very jolly, I believe, but naturally I wasn't thinking about him much. +I was wondering how to begin. And then Lumsden came up, and wanted to +talk pig-food, and the atmosphere grew less and less romantic, and–and +I gradually drifted away.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span>. Oh, poor darling! Well, we shall have to approach him through +Olivia.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span>. But I always wanted to tell her first; she's so much easier. +Only <i>you</i> wouldn't let me.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span>. That's <i>your</i> fault, Brian. You would tell Olivia that she +ought to have orange-and-black curtains in here.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span>. But she wants orange and black curtains in here.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span>. Yes. (<i>Rising and standing with her back to fire, +imitating</i> <span class="smallcaps">George</span>.) But George says he's not going to have any +Futuristic nonsense in an honest English country house, which has been +good enough for his father and his grandfather and his great-grandfather, and–and all the rest of them. (<i>Kneels on settee</i>.) +So there's a sort of strained feeling between Olivia and George just +now, and if Olivia were to–sort of recommend you, well, it wouldn't do +you much good.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span> (<i>looking at her</i>). I see. Of course I know what <i>you</i> +want, Dinah.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span>. What do I want?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span>. You want a secret engagement–</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span>. Oh!</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span>. And notes left under door-mats–</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span>. Oh!</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span>. And meetings by the withered thorn–</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span>. Oh!</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span>. When all the household is asleep.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span>. Oh!</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span>. I know you.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span>. Oh, but it is such fun! I love meeting people by withered +thorns.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span>. Well, I'm not going to have it.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> (<i>childishly, sitting close to him</i>). Oh, George! Look at us +being husbandy!</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span>. You babe! I adore you. (<i>He kisses her and holds her +hands</i>.) You know, you're rather throwing yourself away on me. Do +you mind?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> (<i>putting her legs up on settee and reclining her head on his +shoulder</i>). Not a bit.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span>. We shall never be rich, but we shall have lots of fun, and meet +interesting people, and feel that we're doing something worth doing, +and not getting paid nearly enough for it, and we can curse the Academy +together and the British Public, and–oh, it's an exciting life.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> (<i>seeing it</i>). I shall love it.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span> (<i>sincerely</i>). I'll make you love it. You shan't be sorry, +Dinah.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span>. You shan't be sorry either, Brian.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span> (<i>looking at her lovingly</i>). Oh, I know I shan't.... What +will Olivia think about it? Will she be surprised?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span>. Olivia? Oh, she's never surprised. She always seems to have +thought of things about half an hour before they happen. George just +begins to get hold of them about half an hour after they've happened. +(<i>Considering him, stroking his hair</i>.) After all, there's no +reason why George shouldn't like you, darling.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span>. I'm not his sort, you know, really.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span>. You're more Olivia's sort. Well, we'll tell Olivia this morning.</p> + +<p>(<span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> <i>comes in from top of staircase up R</i>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> (<i>coming in</i>). And what are you going to tell Olivia this +morning? (<i>They jump up and go to her</i>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span>. Olivia, darling–</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>, Oh, well, I think I can guess,</p> + +<p>(<span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> <i>goes to her</i> R, <i>and</i> <span class="smallcaps">Brian</span> <i>to her</i> L., <i>and they bring her down</i> +C.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span> (<i>following</i>). Say you understand, Mrs. Marden.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Mrs. Marden, I am afraid, is a very dense person, Brian, but I +think if you asked Olivia if she understood–</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span>. Bless you, Olivia. I <i>knew</i> you'd be on our side.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span>. Of course she would.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. I don't know if it's usual to kiss an aunt-in-law, Brian, but +Dinah is such a very special sort of niece that–(<i>she inclines her +cheek and</i> <span class="smallcaps">Brian</span> <i>kisses it</i>).</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> (<i>backing away to</i> B. <i>a little</i>). I say, you are in +luck to-day, Brian.</p> + +<p>(<span class="smallcaps">Brian</span> <i>moves up</i> C. <i>laughing</i>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> (<i>crossing below settee</i> L. <i>and up</i> L. <i>to +cabinet</i>). And how many people have been told the good news? + +<span class="smallcaps">Brian</span>. Nobody yet.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span>. Except Mr. Pim.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span> (<i>crossing down to</i> <span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span>). Oh, does he–</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> (<i>timing as she reaches cabinet, up</i> L.), Who's Mr, Pim?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span>. Oh, he just happened–(<span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> <i>takes curtains and work-basket +from centre cupboard of cabinet</i>.)–I say, are those the curtains? +Then you're going to have them after all?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> (<i>with an air of surprise, coming down L., and putting work-basket on table L.C. and sitting with curtains</i>). After all what? +But I decided on them long ago. (<i>To</i> <span class="smallcaps">Brian</span>.) You haven't told +George yet.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span> (<i>moving to below stool</i> L.C.). I began to, you know, but I +never got any farther than "Er–there's just–er–"</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> (<i>crossing quickly below</i> <span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> <i>and speaking into her +face</i>). George would talk about <i>pigs</i> all the time.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Well, I suppose you want me to help you.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> (<i>sitting to</i> L. <i>of</i> <span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>). Oh, do, darling.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span> (<i>sits on stool</i> L.C.). It would be awfully decent of you. +Of course, I'm not quite his sort really–</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span>. You're my sort.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span>. But I don't think he objects to me, and–</p> + +<p>(<span class="smallcaps">George</span> <i>comes in from terrace, a typical, narrow-minded, honest +country gentleman of forty odd.</i> <span class="smallcaps">Brian</span> <i>rises hurriedly and +crosses to above piano to</i> R. <span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> <i>rises and stands by +fireplace.</i> <span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> <i>unfolds curtains and prepares to sew</i>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>at the windows–he does not see</i> <span class="smallcaps">Brian</span>). Hullo! Hullo! +Hullo! What's all this about a Mr. Pim? Who is he? Where is he? (<i>He +puts his cap on table, and comes down, into room</i>.) I had most +important business with Lumsden, and the girl comes down and cackles +about a Mr, Pim, or Ping, or something. Where did I put his card? +(<i>Bringing it out</i>.) Carraway Pim. Never heard of him in my life, +(<i>Moves back to writing-table and puts down card</i>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span>. He said he had a letter of introduction, Uncle George.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. Oh, you saw him, did you! (<i>Comes down</i> C. <i>to</i> R.) +Yes, that reminds me, there was a letter–(<i>he brings it out and +reads it</i>).</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span>. He had to send a telegram. He's coming back.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Pass me those scissors, Brian.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span> (<i>crossing to above table</i> L.C.). These? (<i>he passes +them</i>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> (<i>giving</i> <span class="smallcaps">Brian</span> <i>a nod of encouragement and looking round +at</i> <span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span>). Thank you.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>reading</i>). Ah well, a friend of Brymer's, Glad to oblige +him. Yes, I know the man he wants. Coming back, you say, Dinah? (<span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> +<i>nods</i>.) Then I'll be going back too. Send him down to the farm, +Olivia, when he comes. (<i>Going up meets</i> <span class="smallcaps">Brian</span>.) Hallo, what +happened to you? (<i>Still moving up a little</i>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Don't go, George, there's something we want to talk about. +(<span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> <i>gives a long whistle. All look sheepish and</i> <span class="smallcaps">George</span> +<i>notices their attitude</i>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. Hallo, what's this?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span> (<i>quickly and over back of i.e. table to</i> <span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>). Shall I—! +(<span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> <i>pantomimes. "Yes, do."</i>)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> (<i>with a roguish loot at</i> <span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span>). Yes, (<i>Sticks needle in +work</i>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span> (<i>stepping out to</i> C.) I've been wanting to tell you all +this morning, sir, only I didn't seem to have an opportunity of getting +it out.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. Well, what is it?</p> + +<p>(<span class="smallcaps">Brian</span>, <i>taken aback for a moment, looks to</i> <span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> <i>for +encouragement. She nods approval and turning to</i> <span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span>, <i>takes her +hand encouragingly–</i>)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span> (<i>boldly</i>). I want to marry Dinah, sir.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. You want to marry Dinah? God bless my soul!</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> (<i>rushing to him below and to his</i> R. <i>and pulling her +cheek against his coat, and her hands on his shoulder</i>). Oh, do say +you like the idea, Uncle George.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. Like the idea! (<i>Taking her hands from his shoulder</i>.) +Have you heard of this nonsense, Olivia?</p> + +<p>(<i>Movement of annoyance from</i> <span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. They've just this moment told me, George. I think they would be +happy together.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>crossing to fire-place</i> L., <i>to</i> <span class="smallcaps">Brian</span>). And what do +you propose to be happy together on?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span> (R.C.). Well, of course, I know it doesn't amount to much at +present, but we shan't starve.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span>. Brian got fifty pounds for a picture last March!</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>a little upset by this</i>). Oh! (<i>Recovering gamely</i>.) +And how many pictures have you sold since?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span> (<i>gives a nervous look at</i> <span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span>, <i>who +then sits on settee</i> R.). Well, none, but–</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. None! And I don't wonder. Who the devil is going to buy +pictures with triangular clouds and square sheep? (<span class="smallcaps">Brian</span>, <i>annoyed, +moves up</i> R.C.) And they call that Art nowadays! Good God, man +(<i>moving up to the windows</i>), go outside and look at the clouds!</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> (<i>busy stitching rings on curtains</i>). If he draws round +clouds in future, George, will you let him marry Dinah?</p> + +<p>(<span class="smallcaps">George</span> <i>looks round, annoyed.</i> <span class="smallcaps">Brian</span> <i>is hopeful and comes down +towards</i> <span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>upset by this, coming down to head of</i> L.C. +<i>table</i>). What–what? Yes, of course, you would be on his side–all this Futuristic nonsense. (<span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> <i>commences to sew</i>.) I'm +just taking these clouds as an example. (<i>Crossing to</i> <span class="smallcaps">Brian</span>.) I +suppose I can see as well as any man in the county, and I say that +clouds aren't triangular.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span> (<i>ingratiatingly</i>). After all, sir, at my age one is +naturally experimenting, and trying to find one's (<i>with a +laugh)</i>–well, it sounds priggish, but one's medium of expression. I +shall find out what I want to do directly, but I think I shall always +be able to earn enough to live on. Well, I have for the last three +years.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. I see, and now you want to experiment with a wife–</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span>. Yes–no–no–</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span>. Yes, you do,</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span>. Yes.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. And you propose to experimenting with my niece?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span> (<i>with a shrug</i>). Well, of course, if you–</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. You could help the experiment, darling, by giving Dinah a good +allowance until she's twenty-one.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. Help the experiment! I don't <i>want</i> to help the +experiment. (<i>Crossing up to writing-table</i>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> (<i>apologetically</i>). Oh, I thought you did.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. You will talk as if I was made of money. What with taxes always +going up and rents always going down, it's as much as we can do to rub +along as we are (<i>to back of</i> L.C. <i>table</i>), without making +allowances to everybody who thinks she wants to get married. (<i>To</i> +<span class="smallcaps">Brian</span>.) And that's thanks to you, my friend.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span> (<i>surprised</i>). To me?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. You never told me, darling. What's Brian been doing?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> (<i>indignantly</i>). He hasn't been doing anything.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>round to foot of table</i> L.C.). He's one of your +Socialists who go turning the country upside down.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. But even Socialists must get married sometimes.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>crossing below</i> <span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> <i>to fireplace</i>). I don't see +any necessity.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. But you'd have nobody to damn after dinner, darling, if they +all died out.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span> (<i>coming a little</i> C.). Really, sir, I don't see what my +politics and my art have got to do with it. I'm perfectly ready not to +talk about either when I'm in your house, and as Dinah doesn't seem to +object to them——</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> (<i>moving towards</i> <span class="smallcaps">Brian</span> <i>and championing him</i>). I +should think she doesn't.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. Oh, you can get round the women, I daresay.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span>. Well, it's Dinah I want to marry and live with. So what it +really comes to is that you don't think I can support a wife.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. Well, if you're going to do it by selling pictures, I don't +think you can.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span> (<i>moving to</i> R. <i>of table</i> L.C.). All right, tell me +how much you want me to earn in a year, and I'll earn it.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>hedging</i>). It isn't merely a question of money. I just +mention that as one thing–one of the important things. (<span class="smallcaps">George</span> +<i>crosses to</i> <span class="smallcaps">Brian</span> <i>who backs towards</i> <span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span>.) In addition to +that, I think you are both too young to marry. (<span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> <i>stamps her +foot</i>.) I don't think you know your own minds (<span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> <i>kneels +dejectedly on settee</i> R.), and I am not at all persuaded that, with +what I venture to call your outrageous tastes——</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span>. Oh!</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> You and my niece will live happily together. (<i>Pause. Crossing +up to writing-table, sits</i>.) Just because she thinks she loves you, +Dinah may persuade herself now that she agrees with all you say and do, +but she has been properly brought up in an honest English country +household–(<span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> <i>throws up her arms and buries her face in her +hands on piano</i>) and–er–she–well, in short, I cannot at all +approve of any engagement between you. (<i>Getting up</i>.) Olivia, if +this Mr.–er–Pim comes, I shall be down at the farm You might send him +along to me.</p> + +<p>(<i>He walks towards the windows up</i> L.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span> (<i>moving up</i> R., <i>followed by</i> <span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span>; +<i>indignantly</i>). Is there any reason why I shouldn't marry a girl +who has been properly brought up?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. I think you know my views, Strange.</p> + +<p>(<span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span>, <i>disappointed, crosses down</i> R. <i>again to below +table</i> R.C.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. George, wait a moment, dear. We can't quite leave it like this.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. I have said all I want to say on the subject.</p> + +<p>(<span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> <i>sits on settee</i> R.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Yes, darling, but I haven't begun to say all that <i>I</i> want +to say on the subject.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>crossing down to back of table</i> L.C.). Of course, if you +have anything to say, Olivia, I will listen to it; but I don't know +that this is quite the time–(<span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> <i>makes a marked movement as she +is sewing the curtains</i>), or that you have chosen–(<i>looking +darkly at the curtains</i>)–quite the occupation likely to–er–endear +your views to me.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> (<i>mutinously, rising quickly and crossing to stool on which she +kneels and looks up into</i> <span class="smallcaps">George's</span> <i>face and bangs the table</i>). +I may as well tell you, Uncle George, that I have got a good deal to +say, too.</p> + +<p>(<span class="smallcaps">Brian</span> <i>crosses down to her</i> R., <i>gingerly pulling her sleeve, +trying to restrain her</i>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Yes, darling. I can guess what you are going to say, Dinah, and +I think you had better keep it for the moment.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> (<i>meekly, backing to</i> R. <i>below</i> <span class="smallcaps">Brian</span> <i>and to</i> L. +<i>of table</i> R.C.). Yes, Aunt Olivia.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Brian, you might take her outside for a walk. I expect you have +plenty to talk about.</p> + +<p>(<span class="smallcaps">Brian</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> <i>move up</i> R.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>following them up</i>). Now mind, Strange, no love-making. I +put you on your honour about that.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span> (<i>looking round dubiously at</i> <span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span>). I'll do my best to +avoid it, sir.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> (<i>cheekily</i>). May I take his arm if we go up a hill?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. I'm sure you'll know how to behave–both of you.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span> (R. <i>of writing-table</i>). Come on, then, Dinah.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> (<i>following him</i>). Right-o. (<i>They exeunt through windows +and off to</i> L.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>as they go</i>). And if you do see any clouds, Strange, take +a good look at them. (<i>He chuckles to himself</i>.) Triangular +clouds–I never heard of such nonsense. (<i>He goes back to his chair +at the writing-table and sits</i>.) Futuristic rubbish... Well, Olivia?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> (<i>sewing curtains</i>). Well, George?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. What are you doing?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Making curtains–(<i>grunt of disapproval from</i> <span class="smallcaps">George</span>)–George. Won't they be rather sweet? Oh, but I forgot–you don't like +them.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. No. I don't like them, and what is more, I don't mean to have +them in my house. As I told you yesterday, this is the house of a +simple country gentleman, and I don't want any of these new-fangled +ideas in it.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Is marrying for love a new-fangled idea?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. We'll come to that directly. None of you women can keep to the +point. What I am saying now is that the house of my fathers and +forefathers is good enough for me.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Do you know, George, I can hear one of your ancestors saying +that to his wife in their smelly old cave–(<span class="smallcaps">George</span> <i>looks up annoyed +at her levity</i>)–when the new-fangled idea of building houses was +first suggested. "The Cave of my Forefathers is good enough for——"</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>rising and coming to</i> R. <i>of</i> L.C. <i>table</i>). +That's ridiculous. Naturally we must have progress. But that's just the +point. (<i>Indicating the curtains</i>.) I don't call this sort of +thing progress. It's–ah–retrogression.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Well, anyhow, it's pretty.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. There I disagree with you. And I must say once more that I will +not have them hanging in my house. (<i>Going up</i> R.C.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Very well, George. (<i>But she goes on working</i>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>seeing her continuing to sew, stops</i>). That being so, I +don't see the necessity of going on with them.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Well, I must do something with them now I've got the material.</p> + +<p>(<span class="smallcaps">George</span> <i>goes up to writing-table, sits and writes</i>.)</p> + +<p>I thought perhaps I could sell them when they're finished–as we're so +poor.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>turns to her with surprised look</i>). What do you mean–so +poor?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Well, you said just now that you couldn't give Dinah an +allowance because rents had gone down.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>annoyed</i>). Confound it, Olivia! Keep to the point! We'll +talk about Dinah's affairs directly. We're discussing our own affairs +at the moment.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. But what is there to discuss, dear?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. Well, those ridiculous things.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. But we've finished that. You've said you wouldn't have them +hanging in your house, and I've said, "Very well, George."–(<span class="smallcaps">George</span> +<i>is again annoyed</i>.)–Now we can go on to Dinah, and Brian.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>shouting</i>). But put these beastly things away.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> (<i>rising and gathering up the curtains</i>). Very well, +George.</p> + +<p>(<i>Going up</i> L. <i>she places the curtains on the cabinet</i>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>waits impatiently until she has put them away on top of +cabinet</i>). Ah! That's better.</p> + +<p>(<span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> <i>comes to table</i> L.C., <i>closes her workbox and then +crosses down to settee</i> R.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>rising and crossing down to</i> <span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> <i>and placing arms +lovingly on her shoulder</i>). Now look here, Olivia, old girl, you've +been a jolly good wife to me–(<i>takes his arms from her +shoulder</i>)–and we don't often have rows, and if I've been rude to +you about this–lost my temper a bit perhaps, what?–I'll say I'm +sorry. May I have a kiss?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> (<i>holding up her face</i>). George, darling! (<i>He kisses +her</i>.) Do you love me?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. You know I do, old girl.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. As much as Brian loves Dinah?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>stiffly, taking her hands from his shoulders</i>). I've said +all I want to say about that. (<i>He goes away from her to</i> L.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Oh, but there must be lots you want to say and perhaps don't +like to. (<i>Sits on settee</i> R.) Do tell me, darling.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>coming back to</i> C.). What it comes to is this. I consider +that Dinah is too young to choose a husband for herself, and that +Strange isn't the husband I should choose for her.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. You were calling him Brian yesterday.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. Yesterday I regarded him as a boy, now he wants me to look upon +him as a man.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. He's twenty-four.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. Yes, and Dinah's nineteen. Ridiculous. (<i>Crossing up to +smoking-table up</i> R., <i>and filling his pipe which he finds on +table</i>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. If he'd been a Conservative, and thought that clouds were +round, I suppose he'd have seemed older, somehow.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. That's a different point altogether. That has nothing to do +with his age.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> (<i>innocently</i>). Oh, I thought it had.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>crossing down</i> C. <i>stuffing tobacco into his pipe</i>). +What I am objecting to is these ridiculously early marriages before +either party knows its own mind, much less the mind of the other party. +(<i>Moving to fireplace looking for a match</i>.) Such marriages +invariably lead to unhappiness.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Of course, <i>my</i> first marriage wasn't a happy one.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. As you know, Olivia, I dislike speaking about your first +marriage at all–(<i>takes a match from table down</i> L. <span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> <i> +rises slowly and goes up to</i> R. <i>of writing-table</i>)–and I had +no intention of bringing it up now, but since you mention it–well, +there's a case in point. (<i>Sits on settee</i> L., <i>lighting his +pipe</i>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> (<i>looking back at it</i>). When I was eighteen, I was in love.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>turning to her</i>). What?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Or perhaps I only thought I was, and I don't know if I should +have been happy or not if I had married him. But my father made me +marry Mr. Jacob Telworthy. (<span class="smallcaps">George</span> <i>looks up at her, annoyed</i>.) +And when things were too hot for him in England–"too hot for him"–I +think that was the expression we used in those days–then we went to +Australia, and I left him there. (<i>Goes slowly down to back of +settee</i> L.) And the only happy moment I had in all my married life +was on the morning when I saw in the papers that he was dead. (<i>Leans +with her arms over back of settee</i>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>very uncomfortable yet lovingly taking her hands with his +left hand</i>). Yes, yes, my dear, I know, I know. You must have had a +terrible time. I can hardly bear to think about it. My only hope is +that I have made up to you for it in some degree. (<i>She places her +left cheek lovingly on his head</i>.) (<i>Dropping her hands</i>.) But +I don't see what bearing it has upon Dinah's case.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Oh, none, except that <i>my</i> father <i>liked</i> Jacob's +political opinions and his views on art. (<i>Moving slowly round</i> +L.C. <i>table to below stool at foot</i>.) I expect that that was why +he chose him for me.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. You seem to think that I wish to choose a husband for Dinah. I +don't at all. Let her choose whom she likes as long as he can support +her and there's a chance of their being happy together. Now, with +regard to this fellow–</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. You mean Brian?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. Well, he's got no money, and he's been brought up in quite a +different way from Dinah. Dinah may be prepared to believe that–er–all cows are blue, and that–er–waves are square, but she won't go on +believing it for ever.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Neither will Brian.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>moving to</i> R. <i>end of settee</i>). Well, that's what I +keep telling him, only he won't see it. Just as I keep telling you +about those ridiculous curtains. (<i>Points to cupboard with pipe in +right hand over his left shoulder</i>.) It seems to me that I am the +only person in the house with any eyesight left.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Perhaps you are, darling; but you must let us find out our own +mistakes for ourselves. (<i>Sits on stool</i> L.C.) At any rate, Brian +is a gentleman; he loves Dinah, Dinah loves him; he's earning enough to +support himself, and you are earning enough to support Dinah.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>amazed</i>). What?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. I think it's worth risking, George.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>stiffly</i>). I can only say the whole question demands much +more anxious thought than you seem to have given it. You say that he is +a gentleman. He knows how to behave, I admit; but if his morals are as +topsy-turvy as his tastes and–er–politics, as I've no doubt they are +(<i>rising and moving to</i> L.), then-er–In short, I do <i>not</i> +approve of Brian Strange as a husband for my niece and ward. (<i>Knocks +pipe out down</i> L.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> (<i>looking at him thoughtfully</i>). You <i>are</i> a curious +mixture, George. You were so very unconventional when you married me, +and you're so very conventional when Brian wants to marry Dinah.... +George Marden to marry the widow of a convict!</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>advancing</i>). Convict! What do you mean?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Jacob Telworthy, convict–I forget his number–surely I told +you all this, dear, when we got engaged?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. Never!</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Oh, but I told you how he carelessly put the wrong signature to +a cheque for a thousand pounds in England; how he made a little mistake +about two or three companies he'd promoted in Australia; and how–</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. Yes, yes (<i>crossing slowly to</i> C. <i>below</i> <span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>), +but you never told me he'd been–er–well–<i>convicted</i>!</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. What difference does it make?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. My dear Olivia, if you can't see that–a–a–oh, well!</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Oh! A convict! So, you see, we needn't be too particular about +our niece, need we?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. I think we had better leave your first husband out of the +conversation altogether. I never wished to refer to him; I never wish +to hear about him again. I certainly had not realized that he was +actually–er–well–convicted for his–er–(<i>moving to writing-table +and picking up his cap</i>).</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Mistakes.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. Well, we needn't go into that. As for this other matter, I +don't for a moment take it seriously. Dinah is an exceptionally pretty +girl, and young. Strange is a good-looking boy. (<i>Coming down to back +of settee</i> L.) If they are attracted to each other, it is a mere +outward attraction which I am convinced will not lead to any lasting +happiness. (<span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> <i>is about to protest</i>.) That must be regarded +as my last word in the matter, Olivia. If this Mr.–er–what was his +name, comes, I shall be down at the farm. (<span class="smallcaps">George</span> <i>goes out by the +staircase up</i> R.)</p> + +<p>(<i>Left alone,</i> <span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> <i>rises, goes up</i> C., <i>takes up her +curtains again and crossing down</i> L. <i>sits on settee, and gets +calmly to work upon them</i>.)</p> + +<p>(<span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> <i>comes in by the windows from up</i> R. <i>and crosses to</i> +L. <i>window at back, then seeing</i> <span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>, <i>beckons to</i> <span class="smallcaps">Brian</span> +<i>and runs down to back of settee to</i> R. <i>of</i> <span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. <span class="smallcaps">Brian</span> +<i>enters from up</i> R., <i>and follows down to back of table</i> +L.C.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> (<i>over back of settee</i>). Finished?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> (<i>startled</i>). Oh, no, I've got all these rings to put on.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span>. I meant talking to George.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Oh!</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span>. We walked about outside——</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span>. Until we heard him <i>not</i> talking to you any more——</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span>. And we didn't kiss each other once.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah and Brian</span> (<i>pointing roguishly and with satisfaction at</i> +<span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>). Ah!</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span>. Brian was very George-like. He wouldn't even let me tickle the +back of his neck. (<i>She goes suddenly to</i> <span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> <i>and sits on +her</i> L.) Darling (<i>putting her arms round</i> <span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> <i>and +kissing her</i>), being George-like is a very nice thing to be–I mean +a nice thing for other people to be–I mean–oh, you know what I mean. +But say that he's going to be decent about it.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Of course he is, Dinah.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span> (<i>sits on stool</i> L.C., <i>and leans forward eagerly</i>). +You mean he'll let me come here as–as——</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span>. As my young man?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Oh, I think so.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> (<i>kissing</i> <span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>). Olivia, you're a wonder.</p> + +<p>(<i>Embraces her round the neck</i>.)</p> + +<p>(<i>Rising and crossing below</i> <span class="smallcaps">Brian</span>, <i>touching him on the +shoulder</i>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span>!</p> + +<p>(<i>Crossing to piano, sits and plays five bars of "The Wedding March," +rises and crosses at back of</i> <span class="smallcaps">Brian</span> <i>to</i> L. <i>of</i> <span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> +<i>behind settee</i>.)</p> + +<p>Have you really talked him round?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. I haven't said anything yet.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> (<i>very disappointed</i>). Oh!</p> + +<p>(<span class="smallcaps">Brian</span> <i>rises and backs to</i> C.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. But I dare say I shall think of something.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span>. Oh! my lord.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> (<i>disappointedly</i>). Oh!</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span> (<i>going up</i> C.). After all, Dinah, I'm going back to London +to-morrow——</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> (<i>crossing quickly towards</i> <span class="smallcaps">Brian</span>). Oh, no, no!</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Now, Dinah. You can be good for one more day, and then when +Brian isn't here, we'll see what we can do.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> (<i>placing her hands on</i> <span class="smallcaps">Brian's</span> <i>shoulders</i>). Yes, but +I didn't want him to go back to-morrow.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span> (<i>sternly, taking her hands away</i>). Must. Hard work before +me. (<span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> <i>moves to back of table</i> L.C.) Earn thousands a year. +(<i>Going down</i> R. <span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> <i>are amused</i>). Paint +the Mayor and Corporation of Pudsey, life-size, including chains of +office; paint slice of haddock on plate. Copy Landseer for old +gentleman in Bayswater. Design antimacassar for middle-aged sofa in +Streatham. (<i>Sitting and putting his legs up on settee R</i>.) Oh, +yes. Earn a living for you. Dinah.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> (<i>giggling</i>). Oh, Brian, you're heavenly. What fun we shall +have when we're married.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span> (<i>with exaggerated dignity</i>). Sir Brian Strange, R.A., if +you please, Miss Marden. Sir Brian Strange, R.A., writes: "Your +Sanogene has proved a most excellent tonic. After completing the third +acre of my Academy picture, 'The Mayor and Corporation of Pudsey,' I +was completely exhausted, but one bottle of Sanogene revived me, and I +finished the remaining seven acres at a single sitting."</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> (<i>rising and looking about her</i>). Brian, find my scissors +for me. (<i>Sits again</i>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span> (<i>rising and crossing to</i> C.). Scissors. Sir Brian Strange, +R.A., looks for scissors.</p> + +<p>(<span class="smallcaps">Brian</span>, <i>clasping his hands behind his back, with a very important +walk, looks first on the top end of piano, then on writing-table at +back</i>. <span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> <i>playfully follows him round, imitating his walk</i>. +<span class="smallcaps">Brian</span> <i>crosses to cabinet up L. and finds the scissors on top, takes +them up and in a threatening attitude turns to</i> <span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span>, +<i>exclaiming,</i> "Ha, ha!" <span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> <i>with a little playful scream +backs to chair below writing-table, and sits. Holding up scissors</i>.)</p> + +<p>Once more we must record an unqualified success for the eminent +Academician. (<i>Turning to</i> <span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> <i>and with a bow hands them +over the back of settee to her</i>.) Your scissors.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Thank you so much.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span>. Come on, Brian, let's go out. I feel open-airy.</p> + +<p>(<i>They go up</i> R.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Don't be late for lunch, there's good people. Lady Marden is +coming.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span>. Aunt Juli-ah! Help! (<i>She faints in</i> <span class="smallcaps">Brian's</span> <i> arms</i>.) +That means a clean pinafore. Brian, you'll jolly well have to brush +your hair.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span> (<i>feeling it</i>). I suppose there's no time now to go up to +London and get it cut?</p> + +<p>(<i>Enter</i> <span class="smallcaps">Anne</span> <i>from stairs up R. and comes to foot of staircase, +followed by</i> <span class="smallcaps">Pim</span>, <i>who comes half-way down the stairs</i>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Anne</span>. Mr. Pim!</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> (<i>delighted</i>). Hullo. Mr. Pim! (<i>Imitating a clown</i>.) +Here we are again! You can't get rid of us so easily, you see.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span>. I–er–dear Miss Marden——(<i>Crosses down to</i> C.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. How-do-you-do, Mr. Pim? I can't get up, but do come and sit +down (<span class="smallcaps">Pim</span> <i>shakes hands with</i> <span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>.) My husband will be here in +a minute. Anne, send somebody down to the farm——</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Anne</span>, I think I heard the Master in the library, madam.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Oh, will you tell him then?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Anne</span>. Yes, madam,</p> + +<p>(<span class="smallcaps">Anne</span> <i>goes out up staircase</i>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. You'll stay to lunch, of course, Mr. Pim?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> (<i>coming down</i> C. <i>to</i> R.) Oh, do!</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span>. It's very kind of you, Mrs. Marden, but——-</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span>. Oh, you simply must, Mr. Pim. You haven't told us half enough +about yourself yet. I want to hear all about your early life.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Dinah!</p> + +<p>(<span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> <i>sits at piano and plays thirty-two bars of "If you could only +care."</i>)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span>. Oh, we are almost, I might say, old friends, Mrs. Marden.</p> + +<p>(<span class="smallcaps">Brian</span> <i>comes down and kneels on settee</i> R., <i>listening to</i> +<span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> <i>playing</i>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span>. Of course we are. He knows Brian, too. There's more in Mr. Pim +than you think. You will stay to lunch, won't you?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span>. (<i>sits on stool</i> L.C.) It's very kind of you to ask me, Mrs. +Marden, but I am lunching with the Trevors.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Oh, well, you must come to lunch another day.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span>. Oh, thank you, thank you.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span>. The reason why we like Mr. Pim so much is that he was the first +person to congratulate us. We feel that he is going to have a great +influence on our lives.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span>. (<i>to</i> <span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>). I, so to speak, stumbled on the engagement +this morning, and–er–</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. I see. Children, you must go and tidy yourselves up. Run along.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span>. Sir Brian and Lady Strange never run; they walk.</p> + +<p>(<span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> <i>stops playing</i>.) (<i>Offering his</i> R. <i>arm and +bowing</i>.) Madam!</p> + +<p>(<span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> <i>curtsies and takes his arm and they go up</i> C.)</p> + +<p>(<span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> <i>takes mincing steps and playfully shakes her hand at</i> <span class="smallcaps">Mr. Pim</span>, <i>who is amused</i>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span>. Au revoir, Mr. Pim. (<i>Dramatically</i>.) We–shall–meet–<i>again</i>!</p> + +<p>(<span class="smallcaps">Pim</span>. <i>laughing heartily, rises and bows</i>.)</p> + +<p>(<span class="smallcaps">Brian</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> <i>go out through the window up</i> C. +<i>to</i> L.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. You must forgive them, Mr. Pim. They're such children. And +naturally they're rather excited just now.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span>. Oh, naturally, naturally!</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Of course you won't say anything about their engagement. We +only heard about it five minutes ago, and nothing has been settled yet.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span>. Of course, of course!</p> + +<p>(<i>Enter</i> <span class="smallcaps">George</span> <i>from staircase up</i> R.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. Ah, Mr. Pim, we meet at last. Sorry to have kept you waiting +before. (<i>Shaking hands</i>.) How are you? How are you?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span>. The apology should come from me, Mr. Marden, for having–er–</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. Not at all. Very glad to meet you now. Any friend of Brymer's. +You want a letter to this man Fanshawe?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Shall I be in your way at all?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span>. Oh, no, no, please don't.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. Oh, no. It's only just a question of a letter. Fanshawe will +put you in the way of seeing all that you want to see. (<i>Crossing up +to writing-table, sits</i>.) He's a very old friend of mine. (<i>Taking +a sheet of notepaper and turning in chair to</i> <span class="smallcaps">Pim</span>.) You'll stay to +lunch, of course?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span>. It's very kind of you, but I'm lunching with the Trevors. (<i>Sits +settee R. and puts down his hat and gloves</i>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. Ah, well, they'll look after you all right. Good chap, Trevor.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span>. Oh, very good ... very good. (<i>To</i> <span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>.) You see, Mrs. +Marden, I have only recently arrived from Australia–(<span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> <i>stops +in her sewing and</i> <span class="smallcaps">George</span> <i>looks up</i>)–after travelling about +the world for some years, and I'm rather out of touch with my–er–fellow-workers in London.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. I see! You've been in Australia, Mr. Pim?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span>. Oh, yes, I——</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>after a loud cough</i>). Sorry to keep you waiting, Mr. Pim. +I shan't be a moment.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span>. Oh, that's all right, thank you. (<i>To</i> <span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>.) Oh, yes, I +have been in Australia more than once in the last few years.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Really? I used to live at Sydney many years ago. Do you know +Sydney at all?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span>. Oh, yes, I was——</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>coughing</i>). H'r'm! Perhaps I'd better mention that you +are a friend of the Trevors?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span>. Thank you, thank you. (<i>To</i> <span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>.) Indeed yes, I spent +several months in Sydney a few years ago.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. How curious! I wonder if we have any friends in common there.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>coughing and gruffly</i>). Extremely unlikely, I should +think. Sydney is a very big place.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span>. True, true, but the world is a very small place, Mr. Marden. I had +a remarkable instance of that, coming over on the boat this last time.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. Ah! (<i>Feeling that the conversation is now safe, he resumes +his letter</i>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span>. Yes. There was a man I used to employ in Sydney some years ago, a +bad fellow, I'm afraid, Mrs. Marden, who had been in prison for some +kind of fraudulent company-promoting and had taken to drink and–and so +on.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Yes, yes, I understand.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span>. Drinking himself to death, I should have said. I gave him at the +most another year to live. Yet to my amazement the first person I saw +as I stepped on board the boat that brought me to England last week was +this fellow. There was no mistaking him. I spoke to him, in fact; we +recognized each other.</p> + +<p>(<span class="smallcaps">George</span> <i>rises</i>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Really?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span>. He was travelling steerage; we didn't meet again on board, and as +it happened at Marseilles, this poor fellow–er–now what was his name? +A very unusual one. Began with a–a T, I think.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> (<i>with suppressed feeling</i>). Yes, Mr. Pim, yes? (<i>She +puts out a hand to</i> <span class="smallcaps">George</span>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>in an undertone, taking her hand</i>). Nonsense, dear!</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span> (<i>triumphantly</i>). I've got it! Telworthy!</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> (<i>draws back in settee, overcome</i>). Telworthy!</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. Good God!</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span> (<i>a little surprised at the success of his story</i>). An unusual +name, is it not? Not a name you could forget when once you had heard +it.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> (<i>with feeling, gazing into space with hands clenched</i>). +No, it is not a name you could forget when once you had heard it.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>hastily coming over to</i> <span class="smallcaps">Pim</span>). Quite so, Mr. Pim, a most +remarkable name, a most odd story altogether. Well, well, here's your +letter–(<span class="smallcaps">Pim</span> <i>rises and tales letter</i>)–and if you're sure you +won't stay to lunch——</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span>. No, thank you. You see, I'm lunching with——</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. With the Trevors, yes. I remember you told me. (<i>Taking his +arm and hurrying him up</i> C.) I'll just see you on your way.... +(<i>To</i> <span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>, <i>who does not notice</i> <span class="smallcaps">Pim</span> <i>holding out his +hand to say good-bye</i>.) Er–my dear——</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> (<i>holding out her hand, but not looking at him</i>). Good-bye, +Mr. Pim.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span> (<i>shaking hands with</i> <span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>). Good-bye, good-bye!</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>taking him by the arm up</i> L. <i>towards the windows</i>). +This way, this way. Quicker for you.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span>, Thank you, thank you.</p> + +<p>(<span class="smallcaps">George</span> <i>hurries him up</i> C. <i>and he exits to</i> L. <span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> +<i>looks into the past and shudders</i>. <span class="smallcaps">George</span> <i>comes back to</i> +C.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. Good God! Telworthy! (<span class="smallcaps">Anne</span> <i>enters from up</i> R. <i>and +comes to foot of staircase</i>.) Is it possible?</p> + +<p>(<i>Before</i> <span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> <i>can answer,</i> <span class="smallcaps">Lady Marden</span> <i>is +announced</i>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Anne</span>. Lady Marden.</p> + +<p>(<span class="smallcaps">George</span> <i>crosses down to</i> <span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> <i>and touches her on the +shoulder. They pull themselves together, and</i> <span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> <i>rises and is +crossing towards</i> C. <i>to greet</i> <span class="smallcaps">Lady Marden</span>, <i>who does not +appear</i>.)</p> + +<p align="center" class="smallcaps"><b>Quick Curtain.</b></p> + +<h1>Act II</h1> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Scene</span>.–<i>The same scene and furniture with addition of a camp table +and five camp chairs outside on terrace at back centre. Lunch is +over.</i> <span class="smallcaps">Lady Marden's</span> <i>whip and gloves are on writing-table</i>.</p> + +<p>(<span class="smallcaps">Anne</span> <i>enters with coffee for five on salver, from double doors</i> +R., <i>and is about to place it on table</i> L.C. <i>when</i> <span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>, +<i>who follows her on, says</i>:)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. We'll have coffee on the terrace, Anne.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Anne</span>. Very good, madam. (<i>Moves up</i> L. <i>and places salver on +camp table on terrace</i>.)</p> + +<p>(<span class="smallcaps">Lady Marden</span> <i>follows</i> <span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> <i>from double doors</i> R. <span class="smallcaps">Anne</span> +<i>crosses at back of windows to</i> R.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. We'll have coffee on the terrace, Aunt Julia.</p> + +<p>(<span class="smallcaps">Lady Marden</span> <i>crosses in front of</i> <span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> <i>and up</i> L. +<i>through windows and sits</i> R. <i>at back of camp table</i>. <span class="smallcaps">George</span> +<i>follows</i> <span class="smallcaps">Lady Marden</span>, <i>meets</i> <span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>, <i>and both throw up +their arms despairingly.</i> <span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> <i>crosses up</i> L. <i>through +windows and sits to</i> L. <i>of camp table.</i> <span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smallcaps">Brian</span> +<i>follow</i> <span class="smallcaps">George</span> <i>on</i>.)</p> + +<p>(<span class="smallcaps">Anne</span> <i>exits at doors</i> R.)</p> + +<p>(<span class="smallcaps">George</span> <i>turns, and seeing</i> <span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> <i>is annoyed, follows</i> +<span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> <i>up</i> L. <i>and sits</i> L. <i>of</i> <span class="smallcaps">Lady Marden</span>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> (<i>to</i> <span class="smallcaps">Brian</span>). I know Aunt Julia likes a little music.</p> + +<p>(<span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> <i>comes down to piano and takes up small guitar.</i> <span class="smallcaps">Brian</span> +<i>crosses to</i> L., <i>laughing at her. She goes up</i> L. <i>of +writing-table, playing and singing, and crosses round back of writing-table and sits to</i> R. <i>of camp table,</i> <span class="smallcaps">Brian</span> <i>follows her and +stands with his back to windows.</i> <span class="smallcaps">George</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smallcaps">Lady Marden</span> +<i>are annoyed with</i> <span class="smallcaps">Dinah's</span> <i>playing, and tell her to stop, and +she does so.</i> <span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> <i>pours milk into</i> <span class="smallcaps">Dinah's</span> <i>cup and</i> +<span class="smallcaps">Brian</span> <i>passes it to her; she drinks and then commences to play again +and is stopped by looks from</i> <span class="smallcaps">Lady Marden</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smallcaps">George</span>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Lady Marden</span> (<i>to</i> <span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span>). No! No! Don't do it!</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Your aunt does not like it, dear.</p> + +<p>(<span class="smallcaps">George</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> <i>want to be alone, so do</i> <span class="smallcaps">Brian</span> +<i>and</i> <span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span>. <i>At last</i> <span class="smallcaps">Brian</span> <i>murmurs something about a +cigarette-case, and catching</i> <span class="smallcaps">Dinah's</span> <i>eye, comes into the room. +He leans against the sofa down</i> L. <i>and waits for her</i>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> (<i>loudly, as she comes in strumming on guitar</i>). Have you +found it?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span>. Found what?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> (<i>in her ordinary voice, crossing quickly down to</i> <span class="smallcaps">Brian</span>). +That was just for <i>their</i> benefit. I said I'd help you find it. It +<i>is</i> your cigarette-case we're looking for, isn't it?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span> (<i>taking it out</i>). Yes. Have one?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span>. No, thank you, darling. (<span class="smallcaps">Brian</span> <i>goes up</i> R. <i>in smoking-table for a match</i>.) Aunt Juli-ah still thinks it's unladylike.... +Have you ever seen her beagling? (<i>Comes down to piano, puts down +instrument</i>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span>. No. Is that very ladylike?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> (<i>sitting on settee</i> R.). Very.... I say, what has happened, +do you think?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span> (<i>moving down to back of table</i> R.C.). Everything. I love +you, and you love me.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span>. Silly! I meant between George and Olivia. Didn't you notice them +at lunch?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span> (<i>sits on table</i>). I noticed that you seemed to be doing +most of the talking. But then I've noticed that before sometimes. Do +you think Olivia and your uncle have quarrelled because of <i>us</i>?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span>. Of course not. George may <i>think</i> he has quarrelled, but +I'm quite sure Olivia hasn't. No (<span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> <i>beckons to</i> <span class="smallcaps">Brian</span>, <i>who +comes and sits above her</i>), I believe Mr. Pim's at the bottom of it. +He's brought some terribly sad news about George's investments. +(<i>Rising and facing</i> <span class="smallcaps">Brian</span>.) The old home will have to be sold up.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span>. Good. Then your uncle won't mind your marrying me.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> (<i>by table above settee</i> R.). Yes, darling, but you must be +more dramatic about it than that. "George," you must say, with tears in +your eyes, "I cannot pay off the whole of the mortgage for you. I have +only two and ninepence; but at least let me take your niece off your +hands." Then George will (<i>hitting him on the shoulder)</i> thump you +on the back and say gruffly (<i>crossing to</i> L.), "You're a good +fellow, Brian, a damn good fellow," and he'll blow his nose very +loudly, and say, "Confound this cigar, it won't draw properly."</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span> (<i>rising and crossing to</i> <span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span>). Dinah, you're a heavenly +idiot. And you've simply got to marry me, uncles or no uncles.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span>. Hush! (<i>She takes his hand and they sit on settee</i> L., +<i>hiding from others at back</i>). It will have to be "uncles," I'm +afraid, because, you see, I'm his ward, and I can get sent to Chancery +or Coventry or somewhere beastly, if I marry without his consent, +Haven't <i>you</i> got anybody who objects to your marrying <i>me</i>?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span>. Nobody, thank Heaven.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span>. Well, that's rather disappointing of you. I saw myself +fascinating your aged father at the same time that you were fascinating +George. I should have done it much better than you. As a George-fascinator you aren't very successful, sweetheart.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span> (<i>kissing her hand</i>). What am I like as a Dinah-fascinator?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span>. Plus six, darling.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span>. Then I'll stick to that and leave George to Olivia.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span>. I expect she'll manage him all right. I have great faith in +Olivia. But you'll marry me, anyhow, won't you, Brian?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span>. I will.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span>. Even if we have to wait till I'm twenty-one?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span>. Even if we have to wait till you're fifty-one.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> (<i>holding out her hands to him</i>). Darling!</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span> (<i>uneasily</i>). I say, don't do that.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span>. Why not?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span>. Well, I promised I wouldn't kiss you.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span>. Oh! (<i>Rising and crossing to</i> C., <i>watching the others at +back</i>). Well, you might just send me a kiss. You can look the other +way as if you didn't know I was here.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span>. Like this?</p> + +<p>(<i>He looks the other way, kisses the tips of his fingers, and flicks +it carelessly in her direction. She pretends to catch it, kissing her +own hands</i>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span>. That was a lovely one. Now here's one coming for you.</p> + +<p>(<i>She throws him a kiss. He catches it gracefully and conveys it to +his mouth</i>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span> (<i>rising, and with a low bow</i>). Madam, I thank you.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> (<i>curtsying</i>). Your servant, Mr. Strange,</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> (<i>rising from outside</i>). Dinah!</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> (<i>jumping up</i>). Hullo! (<i>Moving quickly to piano, plays +"Mickey."</i>)</p> + +<p>(<span class="smallcaps">Brian</span> <i>throws away his cigarette and walks to</i> L.)</p> + +<p>(<span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> <i>comes in through the window up</i> L., <i>followed by</i> +<span class="smallcaps">George</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smallcaps">Lady Marden</span>, <i>the latter a vigorous young woman of +sixty odd, who always looks as if she were beagling</i>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> (<i>coming down to</i> <span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> <i>above piano</i>). Aunt Julia +wants to see the pigs, dear. I wish you'd take her down. I'm rather +tired, and your uncle has some business to attend to.</p> + +<p>(<span class="smallcaps">George</span> <i>sits in chair up</i> C. <i>in front of writing-table</i>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Lady Marden</span> (<i>moving down</i> C.), I've always said that you don't +take enough exercise, Olivia. (<i>Turning to others</i>.) Look at me–sixty-five and proud of it. (<i>Goes up</i> R. <i>and takes up gloves +and riding-whip from writing-table</i>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> (<i>taking off her coatee</i>). Yes, Aunt Julia, you're +wonderful.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span>. How old would Olivia be if she took exercise?</p> + +<p>(<span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>, <i>smiling, but with an admonishing look at</i> <span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span>, +<i>comes up</i> R. <i>and places her coatee on balustrade</i>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>from up</i> C.). Don't fool about asking silly questions, +Dinah. Your aunt hasn't much time.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span>. May I come, too, Lady Marden?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Lady Marden</span> (<i>coming down centre to</i> <span class="smallcaps">Brian</span>). Well, a little +exercise wouldn't do <i>you</i> any harm, Mr. Strange. You're an +artist, ain't you?</p> + +<p>(<span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> <i>stops playing</i>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span>. Well, I try to paint.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> (<i>rises and moves to</i> R.C.). He sold a picture last March +for——</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. Yes, yes, never mind that now.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Lady Marden</span>. Yes, unhealthy life. (<i>Going to</i> R. <i>of writing-table and crossing at back, turns to</i> <span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smallcaps">Brian</span>.) Well, +come along.</p> + +<p>(<i>She strides out up</i> L., <i>followed by</i> <span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> <i>and</i> +<span class="smallcaps">Brian</span>, <i>who upset</i> <span class="smallcaps">George's</span> <i>papers on writing-table as they +go</i>. <span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> <i>takes the curtains and workbox from</i> C. +<i>cupboard of cabinet and comes down</i> L.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>looking up and seeing</i> <span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>). Really, Olivia, we've got +something more important, more vital to us than curtains, to discuss, +now that we <i>are</i> alone at last.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. I wasn't going to discuss them, dear. (<i>Sits</i>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. Of course, I'm always glad to see Aunt Julia in my house, but I +wish she hadn't chosen this day of all days to come to lunch.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. It wasn't Aunt Julia's fault. It was really Mr. Pim who chose +the wrong day.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>fiercely and rising</i>). Good heavens, is it true?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. About Jacob Telworthy?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. Yon told me he was dead. (<i>Moving down to</i> L. <i>of</i> L.C. +<i>table</i>.) You always said that he was dead.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Well, I always thought that he was dead. He was as dead as +anybody could be. All the papers said he was dead.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>scornfully</i>). The papers!(<i>Crossing up to smoking-table +for his pipe</i>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> (<i>as if this would settle it for</i> <span class="smallcaps">George</span>). The <i>Times</i> +said he was dead. There was a paragraph about him. Apparently even his +death was fraudulent.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>coming down</i> C.). Yes, yes, I'm not blaming you, Olivia, +but what are we going to do, that's the question, what are we going to +do? My God, it's horrible! (<i>Crossing to fireplace</i>.) You've never +been married to me at all! You don't seem to understand.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. It is a little difficult to realize. You see, it doesn't seem +to have made any difference to our happiness.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. No, that's what's so terrible. (<span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> <i>looks up +surprised</i>.) I mean–well, of course, we were quite innocent in the +matter. (<i>Sits in arm-chair down</i> L.) But, at the same time, +nothing can get over the fact that we–we had no right to–to be happy.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Would you rather we had been miserable?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. You're Telworthy's wife, that's what you don't seem to +understand. You're Telworthy's wife. You–er–forgive me, Olivia, but +it's the horrible truth–you committed bigamy when you married me. +(<i>In horror, going up</i> L.) Bigamy! (<i>Coming round to</i> C.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. It is an ugly word, isn't it?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. Yes, but you don't understand. (<i>Coming quickly down</i> C., +<i>sits on stool</i> L.C., <i>facing her</i>.) Look here, Olivia, old +girl, the whole thing is nonsense, eh? It isn't your husband, it's some +other Telworthy that this fellow met. That's right, isn't it? Some +other shady swindler who turned up on the boat, eh? This sort of thing +doesn't happen to people like <i>us</i>–committing bigamy and all +that. Some other fellow.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> (<i>shaking her head</i>). I knew all the shady swindlers in +Sydney.... They came to dinner.... There were no others called +Telworthy.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>rising with gesture of despair</i>). Well, what are we going +to do?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. You sent Mr. Pim away so quickly. He might have told us things. +Telworthy's plans. Where he is now. You hurried him away so quickly.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. I've sent a note round to ask him to come back. My one idea at +the moment was to get him out of the house–to hush things up. +(<i>Going up to writing-table</i>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. You can't hush up two husbands.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>in despair</i>). You can't. (<i>Sits at writing-table</i>.) +Everybody will know. Everybody!</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. The children, Aunt Julia, they may as well know now as later. +Mr. Pim must, of course.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. I do not propose to discuss my private affairs with Mr. Pim——</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. But he's mixed himself up in them rather, hasn't he, and if +you're going to ask him questions——</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. I only propose to ask him one question. I shall ask him if he +is absolutely certain of this fellow's name. I can do that quite easily +without letting him know the reason for my inquiry.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. You couldn't make a mistake about a name like Telworthy. But he +might tell us something about Telworthy's plans. Perhaps he's going +back to Australia at once. Perhaps he thinks I'm dead, too. Perhaps–oh, there are so many things I want to know.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. Yes, yes, dear. It would be interesting to–that is, one +naturally wants to know these things, but of course it doesn't make any +real difference. + +<span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> (<i>surprised</i>). No difference?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>rising and coming down to back of settee</i> L.). Well, that +is to say, you're as much his wife if he's in Australia as you are if +he's in England.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. I am not his wife at all. (<i>Shaking her head</i>.) Jacob +Telworthy may be alive, but I am not his wife. I ceased to be his wife +when I became yours.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. You never <i>were</i> my wife. (<i>Annoyed and crossing to</i> +R. <i>and back again to</i> L.C.) That is the terrible part of it. Our +union–you make me say it, Olivia–has been unhallowed by the Church. +Unhallowed even by the Law. Legally, we have been living in–living in–well, the point is, how does the Law stand? I imagine that Telworthy +could get a–a divorce.... Oh, it seems impossible that things like +this can be happening to <i>us</i>. (<i>Going up</i> C.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. A divorce?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. I–I imagine so.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. But then we could <i>really</i> get married, and we shouldn't +be living in–living in–whatever we were living in before.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>coming down to</i> R. <i>of table</i> L.C.). I can't +understand you, Olivia. You talk about it so calmly, as if there was +nothing blameworthy in being divorced.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Yes, but——</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. As if there was nothing unusual in my marrying a divorced +woman.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Yes, but——</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. As if there was nothing wrong in our having lived together for +years without having been married.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> (<i>placing her hands on table</i>). What seems wrong to me is +that I lived for five years with a bad man whom I hated. What seems +right to me is that I lived for five years with a good man whom I love.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>taking and patting her hands affectionately</i>). Yes, yes, +my dear, I know. (<i>Drops her hands and moves to</i> C.) But right and +wrong don't settle themselves as easily as that. We've been living +together when you were Telworthy's wife. That's <i>wrong</i>.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Do you mean wicked?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. Well, no doubt the Court would consider that we acted in +perfect innocence——</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. What Court?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. Well, you see, my dear, these things have to be done legally, +of course. (<i>Moving to</i> R. <i>to settee, thinking it out</i>.) I +believe the proper method is a nullity suit, declaring our marriage +null and–er–void. It would, so to speak, wipe out these years of–er—(<i>Moving back to</i> C.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Wickedness?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. Of irregular union, and-er–then——</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Then I could go back to Jacob.... Do you really mean that, +George?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>uneasily</i>). Well, dear, you see-that's how things are–one can't get away from–er——–</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. What you feel is that Telworthy has the greater claim? You are +prepared to–make way for him?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. Both the Church and the Law would say that I had no claim at +all, I'm afraid. I–I suppose I haven't.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. I see. (<i>She looks at him curiously</i>.) Thank you for +making it so clear, George.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. Of course, whether or not you go back to–er–Telworthy is +another matter altogether. (<i>Crossing to fireplace</i>.) That would +naturally be for you to decide.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> (<i>cheerfully</i>). For me and Jacko to decide.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. Er–Jacko?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. I used to call my first husband–I mean my only husband–Jacko. +I didn't like the name of Jacob, and Jacko seemed to suit him somehow. +(<i>Enjoying the joke</i>.) He had very long arms. (<span class="smallcaps">George</span> <i>is very +annoyed</i>.) Poor Jacko.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>annoyed</i>). You don't seem to realize that this is not a +joke, Olivia.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> (<i>still amused</i>). It may not be a joke, but it is funny, +isn't it?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. I must say I don't see anything funny in a tragedy that has +wrecked two lives.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Two? Oh, but Jacko's life isn't wrecked. It has just been +miraculously restored to him. And a wife, too. There's nothing tragic +for Jacko in it.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>stiffly</i>). I was referring to <i>our</i> two lives–yours +and mine.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Yours, George? Your life isn't wrecked. The Court will absolve +you of all blame; your friends will sympathize with you, and tell you +that I was a designing woman who deliberately took you in; your Aunt +Julia–</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>overwrought</i>). Stop it! (<i>Crossing over to her</i>.) +What do you mean? Have you no heart? (<span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> <i>gives a little hurt +cry</i>.) Do you think I <i>want</i> to lose you, Olivia? (<i>Sits on +her</i> L.) Do you think I <i>want</i> my home broken up like this? +Haven't you been happy with me these last five years?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Very happy.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. Well then, how can you talk like that?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. But you want to send me away,</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. There you go again. I don't <i>want</i> to. I have hardly had +time to realize just what it will mean to me when you go. The fact is I +simply daren't realize it. I daren't think about it.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Try thinking about it, George.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. And you talk as if I <i>wanted</i> to send you away!</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Try thinking about it, George.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. You don't seem to understand that I'm not <i>sending</i> you +away. You simply aren't mine to keep.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Whose am I?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>dubiously</i>). Your husband's. Telworthy's.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> (<i>gently</i>). If I belong to anybody but myself, I think I +belong to you.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. Not in the eyes of the Law. Not in the eyes of the Church. Not +even in the eyes of–er——</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. The County?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>annoyed</i>). I was about to say "Heaven."</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Oh!</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>rising and crossing below</i> <span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> <i>to</i> C.). That +this should happen to <i>us</i>!</p> + +<p>(<span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> <i>works in silence. Then she shakes out her curtains</i>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> (<i>looking at them</i>). I do hope Jacko will like these.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>turning and seeing curtains</i>). What! You——(<i>Going up +to her quickly and taking her by the hands raises her from the +settee</i>.) Olivia, Olivia, have you no heart?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Ought you to talk like that to another man's wife?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. Confound it, is this just a joke to you?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. You must forgive me, George; I am a little over-excited–at the +thought of returning to Jacob.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. Do you <i>want</i> to return to him?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. One wants to do what is right. In the eyes of–er–Heaven.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. Seeing what sort of a man he is, I have no doubt that you could +get a separation, supposing that he didn't–er–divorce you. I don't +know <i>what</i> is best. I must consult my solicitor. The whole +position has been sprung on us, and (<i>miserably sits on stool</i> +L.C.) I don't know, I don't know. I can't take it all in. (<i>Leaning +forward and burying his face in his hands</i>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Wouldn't you like to consult your Aunt Julia too? She could +tell you what the County–I mean what Heaven really thought about it.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. Yes, yes. Aunt Julia has plenty of common sense. You're quite +right, Olivia. This isn't a thing we can keep from the family.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Do I still call her <i>Aunt</i> Julia?</p> + +<p>(<span class="smallcaps">Anne</span> <i>comes in from staircase up</i> R. <span class="smallcaps">George</span> <i>does not see her, +but</i> <span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> <i>attracts his attention</i>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>looking up at</i> <span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>). What? What? (<i>Rising and +crossing up to</i> <span class="smallcaps">Anne</span>.) Well, what is it?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Anne</span>. Mr. Pim says he will come down at once, sir.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. Oh, thank you, thank you.</p> + +<p>(<span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> <i>picks up curtains.</i> <span class="smallcaps">Anne</span> <i>goes out up staircase up</i> +R.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. George, Mr. Pim has got to know.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. I don't see the necessity.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Not even for me? When a woman suddenly hears that her long-lost +husband is restored to her, don't you think she wants to ask questions? +Where is he living, and how is he looking, and–</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>very angry, going to writing-table, sits</i>). Of course, if +you are interested in these things–</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. How can I help being? Don't be so silly, George. (<i>Moves up +to</i> R. <i>of</i> <span class="smallcaps">George</span> <i>with the curtains on her arm</i>.) We +<i>must</i> know what Jacko–</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>annoyed</i>) I wish you wouldn't call him by that ridiculous +name.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. My husband–</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>wincing</i>). Yes, well–your husband?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Well, we must know his plans–where we can communicate with +him, and so on.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. I have no wish to communicate with him.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. I'm afraid you'll have to, dear.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. I don't see the necessity.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Well, you'll want to–to apologize to him for living with his +wife for so long. (<span class="smallcaps">George</span> <i>looks up and round at her nonplussed</i>). +And as I belong to him, he ought to be told where he can–call for me.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>after a struggle and scratching his head</i>). You put it in +a very peculiar way, but I see your point. (<i>With a shudder</i>.) Oh, +the horrible publicity of it all! (<i>Turns away and leans on writing-table</i>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> (<i>going up to him and comforting him, placing her hands on his +shoulders</i>). Poor George. Dear, don't think I don't sympathize with +you. I understand so exactly what you are feeling. The publicity! It's +terrible.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>miserably and turning in his chair to her</i>). I want to do +what's right. You believe that, don't you?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Of course I do. (<i>Taking her hands away</i>.) It's only that +we don't quite agree as to what is right and what is wrong.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. It isn't a question of agreeing. Right is right, and wrong is +wrong, all the world over.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> (<i>with a sad little smile</i>). But more particularly in +Buckinghamshire, I think.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. If I only considered myself, I should say: "Let us pack this +man Telworthy back to Australia. He would make no claim. He would +accept money to go away and say nothing about it." If I consulted +simply my own happiness, Olivia, that, is what I should say. But when I +consult–er–</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> (<i>with great feeling</i>). Mine?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. My conscience——</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> (<i>disappointed</i>). Oh!</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. Then I can't do it. (<i>Rises and is going up</i> L.) It's +wrong.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> (<i>making her first appeal</i>). Yes; but, George, don't you +think I'm worth a little–</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>turning round, seeing</i> <span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> <i>coming</i>). H'sh! Dinah! +(<i>Moves back to writing-table. Loudly for</i> <span class="smallcaps">Dinah's</span> +<i>benefit</i>.) Well, then I'll write to him and–Ah, Dinah, where's +Aunt Julia?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> (<i>coming in from up</i> L.). We've seen the pigs, and now she's +discussing the Art of Landseer with Brian. (<i>Crossing in front of +writing-table to</i> <span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>.) I just came to ask–</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Dinah, dear, bring Aunt Julia here. And Brian too. We have +things we want to talk about with you all.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span>. Right-o! (<i>Moves back up</i> L.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>outraged</i>). Olivia!</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> (<i>turning on terrace</i>). What fun!</p> + +<p>(<span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> <i>goes to table</i> L.C. <i>and picks up her work-box. +Exit</i> <span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> L.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. Olivia, you don't seriously suggest that we should discuss +these things with a child like Dinah and a young man like Strange, a +mere acquaintance.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Dinah will have to know. I'm very fond of her, George. You +can't send me away without telling Dinah. And Brian is my friend. +(<i>Moving to cabinet, puts curtains and work-box on top of +cabinet</i>.) You have your solicitor and your aunt and your conscience +to consult–mayn't I even have Brian?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>forgetting</i>). I should have thought that your +<i>husband</i>–</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> (<i>coming down to</i> L. <i>back end of settee</i> L.). Yes, +but we don't know where Jacko is.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. I was not referring to–er–Telworthy.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Well then?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. Oh, of course–You–naturally I–Oh, this is horrible! (<i>Sits +with his face in his hands at writing-table</i>.)</p> + +<p>(<span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> <i>is about to speak to him as</i> <span class="smallcaps">Lady Marden</span> <i>enters from +up</i> L. <span class="smallcaps">Lady Marden</span> <i>looks at</i> <span class="smallcaps">George</span>, <i>then moves down to +centre.</i> <span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> <i>follows and comes to</i> L. <i>back end of +settee.</i> <span class="smallcaps">Brian</span> <i>follows</i> <span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> <i>and comes to back of +table</i> L.C. <span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> <i>moves round to</i> L. <i>end of settee</i> L.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> (<i>after a pause</i>). George and I have had some rather bad +news, Aunt Julia. We wanted your advice. Where will you sit?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Lady Marden</span>. Thank you, Olivia. I can sit down by myself.</p> + +<p>(<i>She does so, on lower end of settee</i> R., <i>moving cushion +away</i>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> (<i>to</i> <span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span>). You sit there, my darling.</p> + +<p>(<span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> <i>sits in arm-chair down</i> L. <i>and</i> <span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> <i>on +settee</i> L. <i>There is a good pause</i>. <span class="smallcaps">All</span> <i>are looking very +uncomfortable</i>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Lady Marden</span>. Well, what is it?</p> + +<p>(<i>Another pause</i>. <span class="smallcaps">All</span> <i>are still looking very +uncomfortable</i>.)</p> + +<p>Money, I suppose; nobody's safe nowadays.</p> + +<p>(<i>There is another good pause</i>. <span class="smallcaps">George</span> <i>looks up hopelessly +at</i> <span class="smallcaps">Lady Marden</span>. <span class="smallcaps">Brian</span> <i>moves up inquisitively towards</i> <span class="smallcaps">George</span>, +<i>who turns and gradually raising his head catches sight of</i> <span class="smallcaps">Brian</span> +<i>and gives him a severe look and</i> <span class="smallcaps">Brian</span> <i>retreats quickly to +back of</i> L.C. <i>table</i>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>signalling for help</i>). Olivia——</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> (<i>after a pause</i>). We've just heard that my first husband +is still alive.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span>. Telworthy!</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span>. Good Lord!</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Lady Marden</span>. George!</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> (<i>excitedly</i>). And only this morning I was saying that +nothing ever happened in this house! (<i>Rising from arm-chair and +sitting to</i> L. <i>of</i> <span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> <i>and remorsefully to her</i>.) +Darling, I don't mean that. Darling one!</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Lady Marden</span>. What does this mean, George? I leave you for ten minutes–barely ten minutes–to go and look at the pigs, and when I come back +you tell me that Olivia is a bigamist.</p> + +<p>(<span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> <i>jumps up and moves to</i> L. <i>of settee</i> L.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span> (<i>indignantly advancing towards</i> <span class="smallcaps">Lady Marden</span>). I say——</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> (<i>restraining him</i>). H'sh!</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span> (<i>to</i> <span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> <i>and taking her hand across table</i> L.C.). +If this is a row, I'm on your side.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Lady Marden</span>. Well, George?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>rising and coming down to</i> <span class="smallcaps">Lady Marden</span>). I'm afraid it's +true, Aunt Julia. (<i>Taking stool from</i> L.C. <i>to</i> C., <i>sits +on it</i>. <span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> <i>sits in arm-chair down</i> L.) We heard the news +just before lunch–just before you came. We've only this moment had an +opportunity of talking about it, of wondering what to do.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Lady Marden</span>. What was his name——Tel–something——</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Jacob Telworthy.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Lady Marden</span> (<i>in amazement</i>). So he's alive still?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. Apparently. There seems to be no doubt about it.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Lady Marden</span> (<i>to</i> <span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>). Didn't you <i>see</i> him die? I should +always want to <i>see</i> my husband die before I married again. Not +that I approve of second marriages, anyhow. I told you so at the time, +George.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. <i>And</i> me, Aunt Julia.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Lady Marden</span>. Did I? Well, I generally say what I think.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. I ought to tell you, Aunt Julia, that no blame attaches to +Olivia over this. Of that I am perfectly satisfied. It's nobody's +fault, except——</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Lady Marden</span>. Except Telworthy's. <i>He</i> seems to have been rather +careless. Well, what are you going to do about it?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. That's just it. It's a terrible situation (<i>With a gesture of +despair</i>.) There's bound to be so much publicity. Not only all this, +but–but Telworthy's past.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Lady Marden</span>. I should have said that it was Telworthy's present which, +was the trouble. Had he a past as well?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. He was a fraudulent company promoter. He went to prison a good +deal.</p> + +<p>(<i>General consternation</i>. <span class="smallcaps">Brian</span> <i>gives a long whistle and goes +up</i>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Lady Marden</span>. George, you never told me this!</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. I–er——</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. I don't see <i>why</i> he should want to talk about it.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> (<i>indignantly rising and moving to L. end of settee</i> L.). +What's it got to do with Olivia, anyhow? It's not <i>her</i> fault.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Lady Marden</span> (<i>sarcastically and emphatically</i>). Oh, no, I daresay +it's mine.</p> + +<p>(<i>There is an uncomfortable pause</i>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> (<i>to</i> <span class="smallcaps">George</span>). You wanted to ask Aunt Julia what was the +right thing to do.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span> (<i>crossing down L.C. and bursting out</i>). Good Heavens, what +is there to do except the one and only thing? (<i>They all look at him +and he becomes embarrassed and backs up stage a little</i>.) I'm sorry. +You don't want <i>me</i> to——</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> (<i>taking his hand across table</i> L.C.). <i>I</i> do, Brian.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Lady Marden</span>. Well, go on, Mr. Strange. What would <i>you</i> do in +George's position?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span> (<i>crosses down to back of table</i> L.C.). Do? Say to the woman +I loved, "You're <i>mine</i> (<i>bangs table with his fist</i>), and +let this other damned fellow come and take you from me if he can!" And +he couldn't–how could he?–not if the woman chose <i>me</i>.</p> + +<p>(<span class="smallcaps">Lady Marden</span> <i>gazes at</i> <span class="smallcaps">Brian</span> <i>in amazement</i>, <span class="smallcaps">George</span> <i>in +anger</i>. <span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> <i>presses his hand gratefully. He has said what she +has been waiting–oh, so eagerly–for</i> <span class="smallcaps">George</span> <i>to say</i>. <span class="smallcaps">George</span> +<i>rises and goes angrily up to</i> <span class="smallcaps">Brian</span>, <i>who defies him</i>. +<span class="smallcaps">George</span> <i>is subdued and moves helplessly up</i> C. <i>followed by</i> +<span class="smallcaps">Brian</span>, <i>who is still defiant</i>. <span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> <i>rises and runs up</i> L. +<i>and round back of settee</i> L. <i>and up to left of</i> <span class="smallcaps">Brian</span> +<i>and takes his arm</i>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> (<i>adoringly</i>). Oh, Brian! (<i>In a loud whisper</i>.) It +<i>is</i> me, isn't it, and not Olivia?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span>. You baby, of course!</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Lady Marden</span>. I'm afraid, Mr. Strange (<span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> <i>with an exclamation of +annoyance comes down to</i> L. <i>of settee</i> L.), your morals are as +peculiar as your views on Art.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span> (<i>down to back of table</i> L.C.). This is not a question of +morals or of art, it's a question of love.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span>. Hear, hear!</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Lady Marden</span> (<i>to</i> <span class="smallcaps">George</span>). Isn't it that girl's bed-time yet?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> (<i>to</i> <span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> <i>and taking her hand</i>). We'll let her sit +up a little longer if she's good.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span>. I will be good, Olivia (<i>aggressively to</i> <span class="smallcaps">Lady Marden</span>), +only I thought anybody, however important a debate was, was allowed to +say "Hear, hear!"</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>coming down</i> C.). Really, Olivia, I really think we could +discuss this better if Mr. Strange took Dinah out for a walk. Strange, +If you–er——</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Tell them what you have settled first, George.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Lady Marden</span>. Settled? What is there to be settled? It settles itself.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>sadly</i>). That's just it.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Lady Marden</span>. The marriage must be annulled–is that the word, George?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. I presume so. (<i>Sits on stool</i> C.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Lady Marden</span>. One's solicitor will know all about that, of course.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span>. And when the marriage has been annulled, what then?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Lady Marden</span>. Presumably Olivia will return to her husband.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span> (<i>bitterly to</i> <span class="smallcaps">Lady Marden</span>). And <i>that's</i> morality! As +expounded by Bishop Landseer!</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>angered, rising and facing</i> <span class="smallcaps">Brian</span>). I don't know what you +mean by Bishop Landseer. Morality is acting in accordance with the Laws +of the Land and the Laws of the Church. I am quite prepared to believe +that your creed embraces neither marriage (<span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> <i>gives a little cry +and bangs a cushion on settee angrily</i>) nor monogamy, but my creed +is different.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span> (<i>fiercely</i>). My creed includes both marriage and monogamy, +and monogamy means sticking to the woman you love, as long as she wants +you.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Lady Marden</span> (<i>calmly</i>). You suggest that George and Olivia should +go on living together, although they have never been legally married. +Bless the man, what do you think the County would say?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span> (<i>scornfully</i>). Does it matter?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span>. Well, if you really want to know, the men would say, "Gad, she's +a fine woman; I don't wonder he sticks to her," and the women would +say, "I can't <i>think</i> what he sees in her to stick to her like +that," and they'd both say, "After all, he may be a damn fool, but you +can't deny he's a sportsman."</p> + +<p>(<span class="smallcaps">Lady Marden</span> <i>is very indignant</i>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>indignantly</i>). Was it for this sort of thing Olivia, that +you insisted on having Dinah and Mr. Strange in here? To insult me in +my own house?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Lady Marden</span>. I can't think what young people are coming to nowadays.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. I think, dear, you and Brian had better go.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> (<i>getting up</i>). We will go. (<i>Crossing below</i> <span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> +<i>and putting her knee on stool and looking cheekily up into</i> +<span class="smallcaps">George</span>'s <i>face</i>.) But I'm just going to say one thing, Uncle +George. Brian and I <i>are</i> going to marry each other, and when we +are married we'll stick to each other, however many of our dead +husbands and wives turn up! Come on, Brian. (<i>She goes up</i> C. +<i>and through window and goes out indignantly, followed by</i> <span class="smallcaps">Brian</span> +R.)</p> + +<p>(<span class="smallcaps">George</span> <i>follows them up</i>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. Upon my word, this is a pleasant discussion.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. I think the discussion is over, George. It is only a question +of where I shall go, while you are bringing your–what sort of suit did +you call it?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Lady Marden</span> (<i>to</i> <span class="smallcaps">George</span>). Nullity suit. I suppose that <i>is</i> +the best thing?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. It's horrible. (<i>Moving down between stool and</i> <span class="smallcaps">Lady Marden</span>.) The awful publicity. That it should be happening to <i>us</i>, +that's what I can't get over.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Lady Marden</span>. I don't remember anything of the sort in the Marden Family +before, ever.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>absently</i>). Lady Fanny.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Lady Marden</span> (<i>recollecting</i>). Yes, of course; but that was two +hundred years ago. The standards were different then. (<i>Rising and +going up</i> C. <i>to</i> R.) Besides, it wasn't quite the same, +anyhow.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>absently</i>). No, it wasn't quite the same.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Lady Marden</span> (<i>R. of writing-table</i>). No. We shall all feel it. +Terribly.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>his apology</i>). If there were any other way! Olivia, what +<i>can</i> I do? It <i>is</i> the only way, isn't it? All that that +fellow said–of course, it sounds very well–but as things are.... +(<i>Crossing towards</i> <span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>.) <i>Is</i> there anything in marriage, +or isn't there? You believe that there is, don't you? You aren't one of +these Socialists. Well, then, <i>can</i> we go on living together when +you're another man's wife? It isn't only what people will say, but it +<i>is</i> wrong, isn't it?.... And supposing he doesn't divorce you, +are we to go on living together, unmarried, for <i>ever</i>? (<span class="smallcaps">Lady Marden</span> <i>turns and listens</i>.) Olivia, you seem to think that I'm +just thinking of the publicity–what people will say. I'm not. I'm not. +That comes in any way. But I want to do what's right, what's best. I +don't mean what's best for us, what makes us happiest, I mean what's +really best, what's rightest. What anybody else would do in my place. +(<span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> <i>holds out her hands lovingly towards him</i>.) <i>I</i> +don't know. It's so unfair. You're not my wife at all, but I want to do +what's right.... (<i>Sits foot of table</i> L.C.) Oh, Olivia, Olivia, +you do understand, don't you?</p> + +<p>(<i>They have both forgotten</i> <span class="smallcaps">Lady Marden</span>. <span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> <i>has never taken +her eyes off him as he makes his last attempt to convince himself</i>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> (<i>almost tenderly</i>). So very, very well, George. Oh, I +understand just what you are feeling. And oh, I do so wish that you +could–(<i>with a little sigh</i>)–but then it wouldn't be George, not +the George I married–(<i>with a rueful little laugh</i>)–or didn't +quite marry.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Lady Marden</span>. I must say, I think you are both talking a little wildly.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> (<i>repeating it, oh, so tenderly</i>). Or didn't–quite–marry.</p> + +<p>(<i>She looks at him with all her heart in her eyes. She is giving him +his last chance to say "Damn Telworthy; you're mine!" He rises and +crosses to</i> R. <i>He struggles desperately with himself, turns +to</i> <span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. Olivia! Olivia! My darling!</p> + +<p>(<i>She rises. He crosses to her and takes her in his arms</i>.)</p> + +<p>(<span class="smallcaps">Anne</span> <i>enters from double doors</i> R.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Anne</span>. Mr. Pim is here, sir.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> (<i>prompting him</i>). Mr. Pim, dear.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>emerging from the struggle with an effort</i>). Pim? Pim? +Oh, ah, yes, of course. (<i>Crossing up to</i> <span class="smallcaps">Anne</span>.) Mr. Pim. +(<i>Looking up</i>.) Where have you put him?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. I want to see Mr. Pim, too, George.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Lady Marden</span> (<i>coming down</i> C. <i>to</i> R. <i>of table</i> L.C.). +Who on earth is Mr. Pim?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Show him in here, Anne. (<span class="smallcaps">George</span> <i>comes back to</i> C.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Anne</span>. Yes, madam.</p> + +<p>(<i>She goes out double doors</i> R.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. It was Mr. Pim who told us about my husband. He came across +with him in the boat, and recognized him as the Telworthy he knew in +Australia.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Lady Marden</span>. Oh! Shall I be in the way? (<i>Moving down to</i> R.C.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. No, no. It doesn't matter, does it, Olivia?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Please stay.</p> + +<p>(<span class="smallcaps">Lady Marden</span> <i>sits</i> R. <i>settee</i>.)</p> + +<p>(<span class="smallcaps">Anne</span> <i>enters at double doors followed by</i> <span class="smallcaps">Mr. Pim</span>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Anne</span>. Mr. Pim.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>pulling himself together</i>). Ah, Mr. Pim! Very good of you +to have come.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span>. Oh, not at all!</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. The fact is–er–(<i>It is too much for him; he looks +despairingly at</i> <span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. We're so sorry to trouble you, Mr. Pim. By the way, do you know +Lady Marden?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span> (<i>centre</i>). No, I haven't the honour.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>introducing</i>). My Aunt! Mr. Pim.</p> + +<p>(<span class="smallcaps">Mr. Pim</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smallcaps">Lady Marden</span> <i>bow to each other</i>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Do come and sit down, won't you? (<i>Pim is moving to</i> L., +<i>turns and bumps into</i> <span class="smallcaps">George</span>, <i>who is following him. She makes +room for him on the sofa next to her</i>.) The fact is, Mr. Pim, you +gave us rather a surprise this morning, and before we had time to +realize what it all meant, you had gone.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span>. A surprise, Mrs. Marden? Dear me, not an unpleasant one, I hope?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Well, rather a–surprising one. (<span class="smallcaps">Lady Marden</span> <i>coughs</i>.)</p> + +<p>(<i>Pim sits to</i> R. <i>of</i> <span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>, <i>who takes his hat and +places it to her</i> L.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>turns to</i> <span class="smallcaps">Lady Marden</span>). Olivia, allow me a moment. Mr. +Pim, you mentioned a man called Telworthy this morning. My wife used to +(<span class="smallcaps">Lady Marden</span> <i>gives a pronounced cough</i>)–that is to say, I used +to–that is, there are reasons–</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. I think we had better be perfectly frank, George.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Lady Marden</span> (<i>aggressively</i>). I am sixty-five years of age, Mr. +Pim, and I can say that I've never had a moment's uneasiness by +(<i>beating her knee with her hand, stick in left hand</i>) telling the +truth.</p> + +<p>(<span class="smallcaps">Pim</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smallcaps">Lady Marden</span> <i>fix each other with a look</i>. <span class="smallcaps">Pim</span> +<i>then looks at</i> <span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smallcaps">George</span> <i>and leans back on +settee</i>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span> (<i>after a desperate effort to keep up with the conversation</i>). +Oh!... I–er–I'm afraid I am rather at sea. Have I–er–left anything +unsaid in presenting my credentials to you this morning?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> Oh, no!</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span>. This Telworthy whom you mention–I seem to remember the name–</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Mr. Pim, you told us this morning of a man whom you had met on +the boat, a man who had come down in the world, whom you had known in +Sydney. A man called Telworthy.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span> (<i>relieved</i>). Ah, yes, yes, of course. (<i>To</i> <span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>.) I +did say Telworthy, didn't I? Most curious coincidence, Lady Marden. +Poor man, poor man! Let me see, it must have been ten years ago–</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. Just a moment, Mr. Pim. You're quite sure that his name was +Telworthy?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span> (<i>to</i> <span class="smallcaps">George</span>). Telworthy–Telworthy–didn't I say Telworthy? +Yes, that was it–Telworthy. Poor fellow!</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. I'm going to be perfectly frank with you, Mr. Pim. I feel quite +sure that I can trust you.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span>. Oh, Mrs. Marden!</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. This man Telworthy whom you met is my husband.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span>. Your husband! (<i>He looks in mild surprise at</i> <span class="smallcaps">George</span>.) Your–er——</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. My first husband. His death was announced six years ago. I had +left him some years before that, but there seems no doubt from your +story that he's still alive. His record–the country he comes from–above all, the very unusual name–Telworthy.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span>. Telworthy–yes–certainly a most peculiar name. I remember saying +so. Your first husband? Dear me! Dear me!</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. You understand, Mr. Pim, that all this is in absolute +confidence.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span> (<i>turning to</i> <span class="smallcaps">George</span>). Of course, of course.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> (<i>pulling his arm, trying to attract his attention</i>). Well, +since he is my husband, we naturally want to know something about him. +Where is he now, for instance?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span> (<i>surprised and turning to</i> <span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>). Where is he now? But +surely I told you? I told you what happened at Marseilles?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. At Marseilles?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span> (<i>to</i> <span class="smallcaps">George</span>). Yes, yes, poor fellow, it was most unfortunate. +(<i>To</i> <span class="smallcaps">Lady Marden</span>. <span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> <i>again pulls his arm, trying to +attract his attention</i>.) You must understand, Lady Marden, that +although I had met the poor fellow before in Australia, I was never in +any way intimate——</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>thumping the desk</i>). Where is he <i>now</i>, that's what +we want to know?</p> + +<p>(<span class="smallcaps">Mr. Pim</span> <i>turns to him with a start</i>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Please, Mr. Pim!</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span> (<i>to</i> <span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>). Where is he now? But–but didn't I tell you of +the curious fatality at Marseilles–poor fellow–the fish-bone?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">All</span>. Fish-bone?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span>. Yes, yes, a herring, I understand.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> (<i>becoming hysterical</i>). Do you mean he's dead?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span>. Dead–of course he's dead. He's been dead——</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> (<i>laughing hysterically</i>). Oh, Mr. Pim, you–oh, what a +husband to have–oh, I——(<i>But that is all she can say for the +moment</i>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Lady Marden</span>. Pull yourself together, Olivia. (<i>To</i> <span class="smallcaps">Pim</span>.) So he +really is dead this time?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span>. Oh, undoubtedly, undoubtedly. A fish-bone lodged in his throat.</p> + +<p>(<span class="smallcaps">Lady Marden</span> <i>retreats to settee</i> R. <i>again</i>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>moving up</i> C. <i>to</i> L. <i>window, trying to realize +it</i>). Dead! Dead!</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span> (<i>rising and turning to</i> <span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>, <i>alarmed at her +hysteria</i>). Oh, but, Mrs. Marden!</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. I think you must excuse me, Mr. Pim. (<i>Crossing to</i> C.) +But a herring! There's something about a herring——</p> + +<p>(<span class="smallcaps">George</span> <i>comes quickly to her, very concerned</i>.)</p> + +<p>(<span class="smallcaps">Pim</span> <i>is also very concerned</i>.)</p> + +<p>(<i>Turning to</i> <span class="smallcaps">George</span>.) Oh, George! (<i>Shaking her head in a weak +state of laughter, turns to</i> R. <i>and is about to hurry out of the +room towards staircase</i> R.)</p> + +<p align="center" class="smallcaps"><b>Quick Curtain.</b></p> + +<h1>Act III</h1> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Scene</span>.–<i>The same and furniture exactly as in</i> Act II.</p> + +<p>(<span class="smallcaps">Mr. Pim</span> <i>is below settee</i> L. <i>standing in same position as at +the end of Act II.</i> <span class="smallcaps">George Marden</span> <i>is in centre of stage and</i> +<span class="smallcaps">Lady Marden</span> <i>is at foot of staircase. Their altitude is the same as +at the end of Act II, and all are concerned about</i> <span class="smallcaps">Olivia's</span> +<i>hysteria</i>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. Dead! Dead!</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span>. Oh dear! Oh dear! I'm afraid I broke the news rather hastily. The +double shock of losing one husband and being restored to another–</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Lady Marden</span> (<i>coming to</i> <span class="smallcaps">George</span>). A dispensation of Providence, +George. One can regard it in no other light. (<i>Moves to</i> R. <i>of +writing-table</i>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>coming to</i> <span class="smallcaps">Pim</span>). Yes! Yes! Well, I'm much obliged to you, +Mr. Pim, for having come down to us this afternoon, and you understand +that your news, though tardy, has been very welcome. <i>De Mortuis</i>, +and so forth.</p> + +<p>(<span class="smallcaps">Lady Marden</span> <i>crosses at back of writing-table to</i> L.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span> (<i>sadly repeating</i>). <i>De Mortuis–</i></p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>shaking hands–anxious to get rid of him</i>). Well, good-bye, and again our thanks.</p> + +<p>(<i>Crosses below and to</i> L. <i>of</i> <span class="smallcaps">Pim</span> <i>and rings bell below +fireplace</i>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span> (<i>crossing to centre</i>). Not at all. I shouldn't have broken +the news so hastily. (<i>Catches sight of</i> <span class="smallcaps">Lady Marden</span> <i>up</i> L., +<i>and with a profound bow</i>.) Good-bye, Lady Marden.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Lady Marden</span> (<i>equally profound</i>). Good-bye, Mr. Pim.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span>. I'm afraid I broke the news too hastily. (<i>Goes to table</i> +B.C. <i>and takes up</i> <span class="smallcaps">George's</span> <i>cap in mistake for his hat and is +moving towards double-doors when</i> <span class="smallcaps">George</span>, <i>noting this, picks +up</i> <span class="smallcaps">Pim's</span> <i>hat from</i> L. <i>of stage where it has been left from +previous</i> Act, <i>and crosses with it to</i> <span class="smallcaps">Pim</span>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. Mr. Pim, excuse me, but I think this is yours.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span> (<i>he takes it and looks at it closely, comparing it with the +cap</i>). This isn't my hat at all. (<i>Puts</i> <span class="smallcaps">George's</span> <i>cap down +on table again</i>.)</p> + +<p>No, that isn't my hat. (<i>Takes his own hat from</i> <span class="smallcaps">George</span>.) This is +my hat. Good-bye! (<i>Shakes hands</i>.) Thank you so much. (<i>Looking +at cap on table</i>.) Oh, no! Oh, no! (<i>Moves nearer to door</i> R.) +Telworthy... I <i>think</i> that was the name.</p> + +<p>(<i>Exit doors</i> R.)</p> + +<p>(<span class="smallcaps">Lady Marden</span>, <i>annoyed at</i> <span class="smallcaps">Pim's</span> <i>stupidity, comes down to</i> +L. <i>of</i> <span class="smallcaps">George</span>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>turning to</i> <span class="smallcaps">Lady Marden</span> <i>and with a sigh of +thankfulness</i>). Well, this is wonderful news, Aunt Julia.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Lady Marden</span>. Most providential. Well, I must be getting along now, +George. Say good-bye to Olivia for me.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>crossing towards double-doors as if to open them</i>). Good-bye, Aunt Julia.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Lady Marden</span>. No! No! I'll go this way–(<i>going up to</i> L. <i>of +writing-table</i>)–and get Olivia out more, George. I don't like these +hysterics. (<i>Banging writing-table</i>.) You want to be firmer with +her.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. Yes! Yes! Good-bye.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Lady Marden</span> (<i>going off up</i> L.). Good-bye.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>back again down centre and with great thankfulness</i>). +Dead! Dead! (<i>Moves down to below settee</i> L.)</p> + +<p>(<span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> <i>enters from staircase, watching him and coming quietly +to</i> C.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>approaching her enthusiastically</i>). Olivia! Olivia! +(<i>Is about to embrace her, but she restrains him</i>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> (<i>drawing herself up</i>). Mrs. Telworthy!</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>taken aback</i>). What? Olivia! I–I don't understand.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Well, darling, if my husband only died at Marseilles a few days +ago——</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>scratching his head</i>). Yes, I see–I see. Well, we can +soon put that right. (<i>Moving to</i> L.) A registry office in London. +Better go up this afternoon. We can't do these things too quickly–we +can stay at an hotel.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> (<i>pointedly</i>). You and Mrs. Telworthy! (<i>Moves slowly +round back of settee</i> L.)</p> + +<p>(<span class="smallcaps">George</span> <i>moves to centre</i>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>nonplussed</i>). Oh–er–yes–yes–perhaps I'd better stay +at my Club–yes! It will be a bit awkward at first. (<i>With a sigh of +relief</i>.) However, nobody need know, and how much better than what +we feared!</p> + +<p>(<span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> <i>comes down to below settee</i> L.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>advancing to embrace her</i>). Olivia! Olivia!</p> + +<p>(<i>She repulses him and he crosses to her</i> L.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Mrs. Telworthy!</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. Yes–yes, I know, but why do you keep on saying it? What's the +matter with you? You're so strange to-day. You're not like the Olivia I +know.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> (<i>sits on settee to</i> R.). Perhaps you don't know me so very +well, after all.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>sitting–affectionately to her</i> L.). Oh, that's nonsense–old girl. You're just my Olivia. Now we can get married again quietly +and nobody will be any the worse.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Married again! Oh, I see, you want me to marry you at a +registry office to-morrow?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. If we can arrange it by then. (<i>Rising and crossing below</i> +<span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> <i>to centre</i>.) I don't know how long these things take, but +I should imagine there would be no difficulty.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Oh, no, I think that part of it ought to be quite <i>easy</i>. +But–(<i>She hesitates</i>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. But what?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Well, if you want to marry me to-morrow, George, oughtn't you +to propose to me first?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>amazed</i>). Propose?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Yes. It is usual, isn't it, to propose to a person before you +marry her? And–and we want to do the usual thing, don't we?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>upset</i>). But you–I mean we–</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. You are George Marden, I am Olivia Telworthy, you are attracted +by me and think I would make you a good wife, and you want to marry me–very well, then, naturally you propose to me first.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>falling into the humour of it, as he thinks, and with a +hearty laugh moves to below stool</i> L.C.). The baby! Did she want to +be proposed to all over again?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> (<i>coyly</i>). Well, she did rather.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>rather fancying himself as an actor, he adopts what he +considers to be an appropriate attitude</i>). She shall then. Er–ah, +Mrs. Telworthy, I have long admired you in silence, and the time has +now come to put my admiration into words (<i>but apparently he finds a +difficulty</i>)–er–er–</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> (<i>looking up at him quizzically and prompting him into words; +repeating</i>). I–I–(<i>Looking down coyly</i>.) Oh, Mr. Marden!</p> + +<p>(<span class="smallcaps">George</span> <i>roars with laughter and crosses to centre</i>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>returning to her</i>). Olivia–er–may I call you Olivia?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Yes, George.</p> + +<p>(<span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> <i>puts out her hand and</i> <span class="smallcaps">George</span> <i>notices it</i>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. I beg your pardon! Oh, I see. (<i>Taking her hand in his he +gives it a good slap and she winces</i>.) Olivia, I–(<i>Hesitates</i>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. I don't want to interrupt, but oughtn't you to be on your +knees? It is–usual, I believe.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. Really, Olivia, you must allow me to manage my own proposal in +my own way.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> (<i>meekly–and resuming her coyness</i>). I'm sorry. Do go on.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. Well–er–confound it, Olivia, I love you. Will you marry me?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Thank you, George, I will think it over.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>laughing</i>). Silly girl. (<i>Pats her on the shoulder and +crosses to</i> R.) Well, then, to-morrow morning. No wedding cake, I'm +afraid, Olivia. (<i>He laughs again and moves up centre</i>.) But we'll +go and have a good lunch somewhere.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. I will think it over, George.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>good-humouredly and coming down to back of settee to her</i> +R.). Well, give me a kiss while you're thinking.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. I'm afraid you mustn't kiss me until we are actually engaged.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>laughing uneasily, and sitting and leaning over on table</i> +L.C. <i>towards</i> <span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>). Oh, we needn't take it as seriously as all +that.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. But a woman must take a proposal seriously.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>a little alarmed at last</i>). What do you mean?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Well, what I mean is that the whole question–(<i>with a sly +look at</i> <span class="smallcaps">George</span>)–as I heard somebody say once, demands much more +anxious thought than either of us has given it. These hasty marriages——</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>rising and crossing at back of</i> <span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> <i>round settee +and to</i> L. <i>of</i> <span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>). Hasty!</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Well, you've only just proposed to me, and you want me to marry +you to-morrow.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. Now you're talking perfect nonsense, Olivia. You know quite +well that our case is utterly different from–well–from any other.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. All the same, one must ask oneself questions. With a young girl +like–well, with a young girl–love may well seem to be all that +matters. But with a woman of my age it is different. I have to ask +myself whether you can afford to support a wife.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. You know perfectly well that I can afford to support a wife as +my wife should be supported.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Oh, I am glad. Then your income–you are not really worried +about that at all?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>stiffly</i>). You know perfectly well what my income is. I +see no reason for anxiety, in the future.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Ah, very well, then we needn't think about it any more.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. You know I can't make out what you're up to. (<i>Sits to +her</i> L. <i>on settee</i>.) Don't you want to get married–to–er–legalize this extraordinary situation in which we are placed?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. I must consider the whole question very carefully. I can't just +jump at the very first offer I have had since my husband died. +(<i>Rising and crossing to centre</i>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. Oh, so I'm under consideration, eh?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> (<i>moving up</i> R.C.). Every suitor is.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. Oh, very well, go on! Go on!</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Well then, there's your niece. You have a niece living with +you. Of course Dinah is a delightful girl, but one doesn't like +marrying into a household where there's another grown-up woman. But +perhaps she will be getting married herself soon.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. I see no prospect of it.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. It would make it so much easier, George, if she did.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>rising</i>). Is this a threat, Olivia? (<i>Crossing up +to</i> <span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>.) Are you telling me that if I do not allow young Strange +to marry Dinah, you will not marry me?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. A threat? Oh, no, George. But I was just wondering if you love +me as much as Brian loves Dinah. You do love me?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>from his heart</i>). Of course I do, old girl.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. You're sure it's not just my pretty face that attracts you. +Love which is based upon mere outward appearances cannot result in +lasting happiness–as one of our thinkers has observed. (<i>Moving down +to settee</i> R.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. Why should you doubt my love? You can't pretend that we haven't +been happy together. (<span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> <i>sits on settee</i> R.) I've–(<i>taking +a chair from</i> L. <i>of table</i> R.C. <i>brings it down to</i> L. +<i>of</i> <span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>) I've been a good pal to you, eh? We–we suit each +other, old girl.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Do we?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>sitting</i>). Well, of course we do.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. I wonder. When two people of our age think of getting married, +one wants to be quite sure that there is real community of ideas +between them. Supposing that after we have been married some years we +found ourselves getting estranged from each other upon such questions +as Dinah's future, or the comparatively trivial matter like the right +colour for a curtain, or the advice to be given to a friend who had +innocently contracted a bigamous marriage. Think how bitterly we should +regret our hasty plunge into a matrimony which was no true partnership, +whether of tastes or ideas or even of consciences. (<i>With a +sigh</i>.) Ah me!</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>turning to her quickly</i>). Unfortunately for your +argument, Olivia, I can answer you out of your own mouth. You seem to +have–(<i>laughing</i>)–forgotten what you said this morning in the +case of–er–young Strange.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> (<i>with exaggerated reproach</i>). Oh, but is it quite fair, +George, to drag up <i>what was said this morning</i>?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>enjoying his apparent success</i>). Ha ha! You've brought it +on yourself.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. I?... Well, and what did I say this morning?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. You said that it was quite enough that Strange was n gentleman +and in love with Dinah for me to let them marry each other.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Oh! But is that enough, George?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>triumphantly</i>). Well, you said so.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> (<i>meekly</i>). Well, George, if you think so too, I'm quite +willing to risk it.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>kindly, rising and putting back chair up</i> R.C.). Ha ha, +my dear! You see!</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Then you <i>do</i> think it's enough?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. I–er–yes, yes, I–I think so.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> (<i>rising and going to him and putting her hands on his +shoulders</i>). My darling one! How jolly! Then we can have a double +wedding.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>astonished</i>). A double one!</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Yes, you and me, Brian and Dinah.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>firmly, and taking her hands from his shoulders</i>). Now +look here, Olivia, understand once and for all, I am not to be +blackmailed into giving my consent to Dinah's engagement. Neither +blackmailed nor tricked. (<i>Crossing to</i> L. <i>below settee</i>.) +Our marriage has nothing whatever to do with Dinah's.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. No, dear, I quite understand. They may take place about the +same time, but they have nothing whatever to do with each other.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>sits on foot of table</i> L.C.). I see no prospect of +Dinah's marriage taking place for many years.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. No, dear, that was what I said.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>not understanding for the moment</i>). You said——? I see. +(<i>Turning and facing her</i>.) Now look here, Olivia, let us have +this perfectly clear. You apparently insist on treating my–er–proposal as serious.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> (<i>mock surprise</i>). But isn't it? Have you been trifling +with me?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. You know perfectly well what I mean. You treat it as an +ordinary proposal for a man to a woman who have never been anything to +each other before. Very well then, will you kindly tell me what you +propose to do if you decide to–ah–accept me? You do not suggest that +we should go on living together–unmarried?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> (<i>shocked</i>). Of course not, George!! What would–(<i>pausing for additional explanation</i>)–the County–I mean Heaven–I mean the Law–I mean–of course not. Besides, it's so unnecessary. +If I decide to accept you, of <i>course</i> I shall marry you.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. Quite so. And if you–ah–decide to refuse me, what will you +do?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Nothing.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. Meaning by that?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Just that, George. I shall stay here–just as before.</p> + +<p>(<span class="smallcaps">George</span> <i>rises and approaches her, about to expostulate</i>.)</p> + +<p>I like this house. (<i>Crossing below</i> <span class="smallcaps">George</span>, <i>looking about the +room to below settee</i> L.) It wants a little redecorating, but I do +like it, George... Yes, I shall be perfectly happy here! (<i>Sits on +settee</i>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. I see. You will continue to live down here–in spite of what +you said just now about the–the immorality of it.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> (<i>surprised</i>). But what is there immoral in a widow living +alone in a big country house–with perhaps the niece of a dear friend +of hers–staying with her to keep her company.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>sarcastic</i>). Oh, and pray what shall I be doing when +you've so very kindly taken possession of my house for me?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. You! Oh, I can't <i>think</i>! Travelling, I expect.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>indignant and advancing to her</i>). Thank you! And suppose +I refuse to be turned out of my own house?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Then, seeing that we can't both be in it, it looks as though +you'd have to turn me out. (<i>To herself</i>.) There must be legal +ways of doing these things. You'd have to consult your solicitor again.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. Legal ways?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Well, you couldn't just throw me out, could you? You'd have to +get an injunction against me–</p> + +<p>(<span class="smallcaps">George</span>, <i>very annoyed, turns away</i>.)</p> + +<p>–or prosecute me for trespass–or something. Of course I shouldn't go +if I could help it, I like the house so much.... It would make an +awfully unusual case, wouldn't it? The papers would be full of it.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. The papers!</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> (<i>calling as paper boy</i>). Extra special! Widow of well-known ex-convict takes possession of J.P.'s house! Special! Special!</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>angrily</i>). I've had enough of this. (<i>Coming to +table</i> L.C. <i>and speaking across</i>.) Do you mean all this +nonsense?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Well, what I <i>do</i> mean <i>is</i>, that I am in no hurry to +go up to London and get married. I love the country just now, and–(<i>with a sigh</i>)–after this morning, I'm–rather tired of +husbands.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>in a rage</i>). I've never heard so much–damned (<i>bangs +table</i>) ... nonsense in my life. <i>I will leave you to come back to +your senses.</i></p> + +<p>(<i>He goes out, up staircase up</i> R.)</p> + +<p>(<span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> <i>rises and crosses to centre, watching</i> <span class="smallcaps">George</span> <i>off. She +kisses her hands to him, then turning to</i> L. <i>sees curtains and +work-box and extending her arms in ecstasy goes to cabinet, takes them +up and comes down</i> L. <span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> <i>sits on settee with curtains in her +lap and places the work-box to her</i> L. <i>on settee, and as she does +so</i> <span class="smallcaps">Mr. Pim</span> <i>enters from up</i> R. <i>through windows and coming +to</i> R. <i>of writing-table taps it with his umbrella to attract</i> +<span class="smallcaps">Olivia's</span> <i>attention. She turns and sees him. He looks nervously round +at staircase</i> R. <i>fearing the return of</i> <span class="smallcaps">George</span>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span> (<i>in a whisper</i>). Er–may I come in, Mrs. Marden?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> (<i>in surprise</i>). Mr. Pim!</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span> (<i>anxiously and again looking round at staircase</i>). Mr. Marden +is–er–not here?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> (<i>getting up</i>). No! Do you want to see him? I will——</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span> (<i>another look round at staircase and moving down centre</i>). +No, no, no! Not for the world. There is no immediate danger of his +returning, Mrs. Marden?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> (<i>surprised</i>). No, I don't think so, Mr. Pim. (<i>Puts down +curtains</i>). But... what is it? You——</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span>. I took the liberty of returning by the window in the hope of +finding you alone.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> (<i>sitting again</i>). Yes?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span> (<i>still rather nervous and throwing up his arms in distress</i>). +Mr. Marden will be so angry with me, and very rightly. Oh, I blame +myself. I blame myself entirely. I don't know how I can have been so +stupid. (<i>Sits on stool</i> L.C. <i>very concerned</i>).</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. What is it, Mr. Pim? My first husband hasn't come to life +again, has he?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span>. No! No! No! (<i>Looking round to</i> R. <i>and speaking very +mysteriously across table</i> L.C.) The fact is–his name was +Pelwittle.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> (<i>at a loss</i>). Whose? My husband's?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span>. Yes, yes. Henry Pelwittle, poor fellow.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. But <i>my</i> husband's name was Telworthy.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span>. No! Oh dear, no! Pelwittle. (<i>Firmly</i>.) It came back to me +suddenly just as I reached the gate–Henry Pelwittle, poor fellow.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. But really, Mr. Pim, I ought to know.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span>. No! No! Pelwittle.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. But who is Pelwittle?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span> (<i>in surprise at her stupidity</i>). The man I told you about, +who met with the sad fatality at Marseilles. Henry Pelwittle.... +(<i>With hand on chin, thinking deeply</i>.) Or was it <i>Ernest</i>? +No! <i>Henry</i> Pelwittle, poor fellow.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> (<i>indignantly</i>). But, Mr. Pim, you said his name was +Telworthy. How could you?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span>. Oh, I blame myself, I blame myself entirely.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. But how could you <i>think</i> of a name like Telworthy if it +wasn't Telworthy?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span> (<i>eagerly</i>). Ah, ah, that is the really interesting thing +about the whole matter.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> (<i>reproachfully</i>). Yes, Mr. Pim, all your visits here to-day have been very interesting.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span>. Oh, very interesting, very interesting, You see, Mrs. Marden, when +I made my first appearance here this morning I was received by–Miss +Diana, who——</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Dinah!</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span>. I beg your pardon?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Dinah. Her name is Dinah!</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span> (<i>pauses</i>). You're quite right. Dinah–oh yes. Miss Dinah, +yes. She was in–er–rather a communicative mood, and I suppose by way +of passing the time she mentioned that before your marriage–to Mr. +Marden you had been a Mrs.–er——</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Telworthy.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span>. Telworthy, yes, of course. She also mentioned Australia. Now by +some curious process of the brain–which strikes me as decidedly +curious–when I was trying to recollect–the name of the poor fellow on +the boat, whom you will remember I had also met in Australia, the fact +that this other name was also stored in my memory, a name equally +peculiar–this fact I say——</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> (<i>seeing that the sentence is rapidly going to pieces</i>). +Yes, I quite understand.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span>. I blame myself, I blame myself entirely.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Oh, you mustn't do that, Mr. Pim.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span>. Oh, but, Mrs. Marden, can you forgive me for the needless distress +I have caused you to-day?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Oh, you mustn't worry about that, please.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span>. And you will tell your husband–you'll break the news to him?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> (<i>amazed</i>). Oh, yes! I'll break the <i>news</i> to him.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span> (<i>rising and holding out his hand</i>). Well then, I think before +he comes back I will say good-bye and–er——</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> (<i>rising</i>). Just a moment, Mr. Pim. Let us have it quite +clear this time. You never knew my husband Jacob Telworthy?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span>. No!</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. You never met him in Australia?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span>. No!</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. You never saw him on the boat?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span>. No!</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. And nothing <i>whatever happened to him at Marseilles?</i></p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span>. No!</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Is that right?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span> (<i>hesitating and thinking it out very deeply</i>). I think so.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Very well, then, since his death was announced in Australia six +years ago, he is presumably still dead?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span>. Undoubtedly.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> (<i>holding out her hand with a charming smile</i>). Then good-bye, Mr. Pim, and thank you so much for–for all your trouble.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span> Not at all, Mrs. Marden. I blame myself, I blame myself entirely.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> Oh! You mustn't do that.</p> + +<p>(<i>Going up centre</i> <span class="smallcaps">Pim</span> <i>meets</i> <span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span>, <i>who enters from the window +up L., crosses at back of writing-table and comes down R. of him</i>).</p> + +<p>(<span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> is followed by <span class="smallcaps">Brian</span>, who is on her R.).</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> Hullo, there's Mr. Pim. (<i>To</i> BRIAN.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span> (<i>nervously looking at the door in case</i> MR. MARDEN <i>should +come in</i>). Yes, yes I—er—</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> Oh, Mr. Pim, you mustn't run away without even saying +how-do-you-do! Are you staying to tea?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span> (<i>looking off at staircase nervously</i>). I'm afraid I—</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> Mr. Pim has to hurry away, Dinah. You mustn't keep him.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> Well, but you'll come back again?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span> I fear that I am only a passer-by, Miss—er—Dinah.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> You can take Mr. Pim as far as the gate.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span> (<i>gratefully to</i> <span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>). Thank you. (<i>With nervous look +at staircase R., he edges towards the windows.</i>) If you would +be so kind, Miss Dinah—.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> (<i>taking his arm</i>). Come along then, Mr. Pim.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span> I'll catch you up.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> (<i>taking him up L.</i>). I want to hear all about your first wife.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span> Oh, but I haven't got a first wife.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah.</span> You haven't really told me anything yet.</p> + +<p>(<i>They go off up L.</i>)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span> I'll catch you up.</p> + +<p>(<span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> <i>resumes her work, and</i> <span class="smallcaps">Brian</span> <i>crosses down to foot of +table L.C., and sits on it.</i>)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span> (<i>awkwardly</i>). I just wanted to say, if you don't think it cheek, +that I'm—I'm on your side, if I may be and if I can help you at all, +I shall be very proud of being allowed to.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> (<i>looking up at him and taking his hand</i>). Brian, you dear, +that's sweet of you. But it's quite all right now, you know.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span> What?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia.</span> Yes, that's what Mr. Pim came back to say. He'd made a +mistake about the name—</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span> (<i>rising</i>). Good Lord!</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> (<i>smiling</i>). George is the only husband I have.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span> (<i>surprised</i>). What? You mean that the whole thing that Pim— + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> (<i>repeating</i>). The whole thing.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span> (<i>crossing up to window R. and shouting off to L. and +with conviction</i>). Silly ass!</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> (<i>kindly</i>). Oh, no, no, I'm sure he didn't mean to be. +(<i>After a pause</i>.) Brian, do you know anything about the law?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span> (<i>coming down</i> C.). The law? I'm afraid not. I hate the law. +Why? (<i>Sits at foot of table</i> L.C.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Well, I was just wondering. Suppose that George and I had +accidentally married each other a second time thinking that the first +marriage wasn't quite right, and then we found the first marriage was +all right–well——</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span>. What on earth do you mean?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Well, what I mean is that there's nothing wrong in marrying the +same person twice?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span> (<i>rising and moving to centre, thinking it out</i>). Oh, no. A +hundred times if you like, I should think.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Oh!</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span>. After all, in France they always go through it twice, don't +they? Once before the Mayor or somebody, and once in church.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Of course they do! How silly of me. You know, that's a very +good idea. They ought to do that more in England.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span>. Well, once will be enough for Dinah and me, if you can work it. +(<i>Anxiously</i>.) D'you think there's any chance, Olivia?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> (<i>smiling</i>). Every chance, dear.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span> (<i>coming to above table</i> L.C.). I say, do you really? Have +you squared him? I mean has he——</p> + +<p>(<span class="smallcaps">George</span> <i>is heard humming the tune of "Pop goes the weasel" off</i> +R.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. You go and catch them up now. We'll talk about it later on.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span>. Bless you. Right-o!</p> + +<p>(<i>Going up</i> L. <i>and off up</i> L.)</p> + +<p>(<i>As he goes out by the windows,</i> <span class="smallcaps">George</span> <i>comes in at the +doors</i> R. <span class="smallcaps">George</span> <i>stands</i> R.C., <i>and then turns to</i> +<span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>, <i>who is absorbed in her curtain. He walks up and down the +room, fidgeting with things, waiting for her to speak. As she says +nothing, he begins to talk himself, but in an obviously unconcerned +way. There is a pause after each answer of hers, before he gets out his +next remark</i>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>casually</i>). Good-looking fellow, Strange. What?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> (<i>equally casually</i>). Brian, yes, isn't he? And such a nice +boy.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. Yes, yes! (<i>Catching sight of curtain she is sewing. Hums the +tune of "Pop goes the weasel"–crossing down</i> R. <i>to piano, plays +a few notes of "Pop goes the weasel" with one finger</i>.) Got fifty +pounds for a picture the other day, didn't he? (<i>Moving up stage a +little</i>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Ah, yes! Of course he has only just begun——</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. The critics think well of him, (<i>Slight pause</i>.) What?</p> + +<p>(<i>Up C. by chair front of writing-table</i>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. They all say he has genius. Oh, I don't think there's any doubt +about it. (<i>Pause</i>.)</p> + +<p>(<span class="smallcaps">George</span> <i>left of writing-table</i>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. No, no! (<i>Slight pause, and he sings again</i>.) Of course I +don't profess to know anything about painting, myself.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. You've never had time to take it up, dear.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>coming down</i> L. <i>a little</i>.) No! No! Of course I know what +I like. Can't say I see much in this new-fangled stuff. If a man can +paint, why can't he paint like–like Rubens, or–or Reynolds, or——</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. I suppose we all have our own styles. Brian will be finding +his, directly. Of course, he's only just beginning. (<i>Pause</i>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>crossing up centre</i>). Yes, yes. But the critics think a +lot of him, what?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Oh, yes.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. Yes! H'm! (<i>Pause</i>.) Good-looking fellow.</p> + +<p>(<i>There is rather a longer silence this time.</i> <span class="smallcaps">George</span> <i>coming +round back of settee L. continues to hope that he is appearing casual +and unconcerned–he stands looking at</i> <span class="smallcaps">Olivia's</span> <i>work for a +moment</i>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>down</i> L.). Nearly finished 'em?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Very nearly. (<i>Smiling to herself, turns away to R., +pretending to look for scissors</i>.) Have you seen my scissors +anywhere?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>looking round</i>). Scissors?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> (<i>turns to</i> L. <i>and finds them in her work-box</i>). It's +all right, here they are——</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>down</i> L. <i>below chair facing</i> <span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>). Where are you +thinking of hanging 'em?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> (<i>as if really wondering</i>). I don't quite know.... I +<i>had</i> thought of this room, but–I'm not quite sure.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>crossing below</i> <span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> <i>to centre</i>). Ah! Yes! +Brighten the room up a bit.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Yes.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>walking up centre a little towards windows</i>). H'm, yes——They are a bit faded.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> (<i>shaking out hers, and looking at them critically</i>). You +know, sometimes I think I love them, and sometimes I'm not quite sure.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. Best way is to hang 'em up and see how you like 'em. Always +take 'em down again.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Oh, that's a good idea, George.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. Best way.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Yes.... I think we might try that–(<i>looking round at settee +and carpets, etc</i>.)–the only thing is–(<i>She hesitates</i>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. What?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Well, the carpets and the chair-covers and the cushions and +things–</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. Well, what about 'em?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Well, if we had new curtains–</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. You'd want a new carpet, eh?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> (<i>doubtfully</i>). Well, <i>new chair-covers, anyhow.</i></p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. H'm!... Well, why not?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Oh, but–</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>with an awkward laugh</i>). We're not so hard up as all +that, you know.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> (<i>quickly</i>). No, I don't suppose we are really–</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. No, no, no, yes–I mean no.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> (<i>thoughtfully</i>). I suppose it would mean that I should +have to go up to London to choose them. You know, that's rather a +nuisance.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>extremely casual and moving towards</i> <span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>). Oh, I don't +know. We might go up together one day.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Well, of course if we <i>were</i> up–for anything else–</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>moving away dubiously</i>). Yes, yes! That's what I meant.</p> + +<p>(<i>There is another silence</i>. <span class="smallcaps">George</span> <i>is wondering whether to +come to closer quarters with the great question</i>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Oh, by the way, George–</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. Yes?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> (<i>innocently</i>). I told Brian, and of course he'll tell +Dinah, that Mr. Pim had made a mistake about the name.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>astonished, moving towards</i> <span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>). Mistake about the +name?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Yes–I told Brian that the whole thing was a mistake, I thought +that was the simplest way.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. Olivia–(<i>crossing below and to her</i> L.)–then you mean +that Brian and Dinah think that–that we have been married all the +time?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Yes.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>coming closer to her</i>). Olivia, does that mean that you +are thinking of marrying me?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. At your old registry office?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>eagerly</i>). Yes!</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. To-morrow?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. Yes.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Do you want me to very much?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. My darling, you know I do.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. We should have to keep it very quiet, George.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. Well, of course–(<i>sitting to her</i> L.)–nobody need know. +We don't want anybody to know. And now that you've put Brian and Dinah +off the scent, by telling them that–(<i>he breaks off and says +admiringly</i>)–that was very clever of you, Olivia. I should never +have thought of that.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> (<i>innocently</i>). George–you don't think it was +<i>wrong</i>, do you?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>his verdict, taking her hands and patting them</i>). An +innocent deception... perfectly harmless.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Yes, dear, that was what I thought about–about–(<i>laughing +to herself</i>) what I was doing.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. Then you will come up to London to-morrow?</p> + +<p>(<i>She nods</i>.)</p> + +<p>And if we should see a carpet or anything else we want——</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Oh, George!</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>beaming, rising and backing away to</i> L. <i>a little</i>). +And lunch at the Carlton, what?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> (<i>nodding eagerly</i>). Oh!</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. And–and a bit of a honeymoon in Paris?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Oh, what fun!</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>hungrily</i>). Give me a kiss, old girl.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> (<i>lovingly</i>). George!</p> + +<p>(<i>She holds up her cheek to him. He kisses it, and then suddenly +takes her in his arms</i>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. Don't ever leave me, old girl.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> (<i>affectionately</i>). Don't ever send me away, old boy.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>fervently</i>). I won't. (<i>Awkwardly</i>.) I–I don't +think I <i>should have</i> really, you know. I–I——</p> + +<p>(<span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> <i>enters from up</i> L. <i>and crosses at back of writing-table +and round down</i> R. <span class="smallcaps">Brian</span> <i>follows her</i>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> (<i>seeing the embrace, surprised</i>). Oo–I say!</p> + +<p>(<span class="smallcaps">George</span> <i>looks and feels rather a fool</i>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. Hallo!</p> + +<p>(<span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> <i>sits, resumes sewing</i>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> (<i>coming down centre and going below settee</i> L., +<i>impetuously to him</i>). Give me one, too, George. Brian won't mind.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>formally, but enjoying it</i>). Do you mind, Mr. Strange?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span> (<i>a little uncomfortable</i>). Oh, I say, sir——</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. We'll risk it, Dinah. (<i>He kisses her</i>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> (<i>triumphantly to</i> <span class="smallcaps">Brian</span> <i>and standing above</i> <span class="smallcaps">George</span>). +Did you notice that one? That wasn't just an ordinary affectionate +kiss. That was a special "bless you my children" one. (<i>To</i> +<span class="smallcaps">George</span>.) Wasn't it?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. You do talk nonsense, darling.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> (<i>crossing quickly below and to</i> R. <i>of</i> <span class="smallcaps">Brian</span>). Well, +I'm so happy now that Pim has relented about your first husband–(<span class="smallcaps">George</span> <i>catches</i> <span class="smallcaps">Olivia's</span> <i>eye and smiles; she smiles back; but +they are different smiles</i>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>the actor</i>). Yes, yes, stupid fellow, Pim, what?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span>. Yes. Absolute idiot, I think!</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span>. And now that George has relented about–(<i>with a significant +look at</i> <span class="smallcaps">Brian</span>)–<i>my</i> first husband——</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. Here, you get on much too quickly. (<i>Crossing below</i> +<span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> <i>to</i> <span class="smallcaps">Brian</span>.) So you want to marry my Dinah, eh?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span> (<i>with a smile</i>). Well, I do rather, sir.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>to</i> <span class="smallcaps">Brian</span>). Well, you'd better have a talk with me about +it–er–(<i>with a sly look at</i> <span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>)–Brian.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span>. Thank you very much, sir.</p> + +<p>(<span class="smallcaps">George</span> <i>goes up and</i> <span class="smallcaps">Brian</span>, <i>imitating his walk, accompanies +him</i>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. Well, come along then. (<span class="smallcaps">Brian</span> <i>looks at his watch</i>.) I am +going up to town after tea, so we'd better——</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> (<i>moving up to</i> R. <i>of</i> <span class="smallcaps">Brian</span>). I say, are you going to +London?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>with a sly look at</i> <span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>). Yes, a little business.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> (<i>cheekily</i>). Eh?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. Never you mind, young woman. (<i>To</i> <span class="smallcaps">Brian</span>.) Come along, +we'll stroll down and look at the pigs.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span>. Right-o!</p> + +<p>(<i>They are going off to</i> L. <i>when</i> <span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> <i>calls</i>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. George, don't go too far away; I may want you.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. All right! I'll be out on the terrace. Give me a shout if you +want me.</p> + +<p>(<span class="smallcaps">George</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smallcaps">Brian</span> <i>go off at windows up</i> L.)</p> + +<p>(<span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> <i>follows up</i> R. <i>and watches them off</i>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> (<i>watching them off</i>). Brian and George always discuss me in +front of the pigs. So tactless of them. I say, are you going to London, +too, darling? (<i>Coming down to table</i> L.C.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. To-morrow——(<i>Rising and shaking out curtains</i>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span>. What are you going to do in London?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Oh, shopping and–one or two little things.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span>. With George?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Yes. (<i>Crossing up centre below</i> <span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> <i>with +curtains</i>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> (<i>sits on table</i> L.C.). I say, wasn't it lovely about Pim?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Lovely?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span>. Yes, he told me all about it. Making such a hash of things, I +mean.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> (<i>innocently</i>). Did he make a hash of things?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span>. Well, I mean keeping on coming like that. And if you look at it +all round–well, for all he had to say, he needn't have come at all.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Well, I don't think I should put it quite like that, Dinah.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> (<i>referring to curtains</i>). I say, aren't they jolly?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. I'm so glad everybody likes them. Tell George I'm ready, dear.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span>. I say, is <i>he</i> going to put them up for you?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. Well, I thought perhaps he could reach better.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span>. All right, I'll tell him. (<i>Crossing up</i> L. <i>on to +terrace and calling off</i>.) George! (<i>Returning to back</i> L. +<i>end of writing-table</i>.) Brian is just telling George about the +five shillings he has in the Post Office–(<i>crossing up</i> L. <i>on +to terrace again and calling off</i>.) George!!</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>from off</i> L.). Coming!</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> (<i>playfully coming down centre, imitating a fairy's +footsteps</i>). Slow music while the curtains go up. (<i>Sits at piano +and plays "As I passed by your Window.")</i></p> + +<p>(<i><span class="smallcaps">George</span> enters from up</i> L., <i>followed by</i> <span class="smallcaps">Brian</span>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>to</i> <span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>). What is it, darling?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. I wish you'd help me to put up these curtains?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span>. Of course, dear. I'd better get the library steps. (<i>Crosses +to doors R. and exits</i>.)</p> + +<p>(<span class="smallcaps">Brian</span> <i>goes quickly to <span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> and gratefully kisses her hand, then +comes down to <span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> and bows to her</i>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span>. Madam! I have the honour to inform you that hence-forward you +are at liberty to regard me as your affianced husband.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> (<i>rising quickly and advancing</i>). Darling!</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span> (<i>waving her back</i>). No! No! Stay there! (<i>She retreats +and sits at piano</i>.) Go on playing.</p> + +<p>(<span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> <i>goes on playing and he takes out a sketch-book, sits on +settee and sketches her</i>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span>. What is it?</p> + +<p>(<span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> <i>comes down centre, watching them</i>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Brian</span>. Portrait of Lady Strange.</p> + +<p>(<i><span class="smallcaps">George</span> enters from doors</i> R. <i>with steps and crossing up R. +places them near</i> R. <i>window</i>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> (<i>she hands him the curtains and goes up L. of writing table +and round back, watching</i> <span class="smallcaps">George</span>). Are you ready, dear?</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>mounting the steps</i>). Yes, quite ready.</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>. There! (<i>The curtains become entangled and he nearly +falls</i>.) Oh, take care, dear!</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">George</span> (<i>again mounting steps</i>). Oh, that's all right, dear. +They're a little long. (<i>The curtains become entangled round his +head</i>.)</p> + +<p>(<span class="smallcaps">Mr. Pim</span> <i>enters mysteriously from up</i> L.)</p> + +<p>(<span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span> <i>is looking up at</i> <span class="smallcaps">George</span>.)</p> + +<p>(<span class="smallcaps">Pim</span> <i>touches her on the shoulder and with a start she turns to +him</i>. <span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> <i>seeing him enter stops playing. <span class="smallcaps">Olivia</span>, unwilling to +attract</i> <span class="smallcaps">George's</span> <i>attention, signals to</i> <span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> <i>to continue +playing, and, she does so</i>.)</p> + +<p><span class="smallcaps">Pim</span>. Mrs. Marden! I <i>had</i> to come back–I've just remembered his +name was <i>Ernest</i> Polwittle–not <i>Henry</i>! (<i>Going off +up</i> L.) Not Henry!</p> + +<p>(<span class="smallcaps">Dinah</span> <i>plays forte</i>.)</p> + +<p align="center" class="smallcaps"><b>Quick Curtain.</b></p> + + + + +<h1>Scene Plot</h1> + + + +<p><i>Oak panelled chamber</i>, with deep decorative frieze.</p> + +<p><i>Ceiling cloth</i>, painted with carved oak beams. </p> + +<p><i>Fireplace</i>.–Large open stone fireplace decorated all over with +flutings and +carved stone. </p> + +<p><i>Doors</i>.–Heavy oak doors down R. to open off. </p> + +<p><i>Windows</i>.–C. windows (French windows) opening on stage from +terrace. </p> + +<p><i>Stairs</i>.–Stairs up back R. with carved balustrade. Transparent +windows stained glass at top of stairway. </p> + +<p><i>Back cloth</i>.–Painted garden and terrace with stone seat C.</p> + + + + +<h1>Property Plot</h1> + + +<h2>Act I</h2> + + +<p><i>Stage cloth down</i>.–Parquette stage cloth with marble pavement +piece attached +at back for terrace. </p> + +<p><i>Persian carpet</i> laid up and down R. </p> + +<p><i>Persian carpet</i> laid up and down L. </p> + +<p><i>Settee</i> set across down L. (Jacobean settee upholstered in +tapestry). </p> + +<p><i>On settee</i> L. Two tapestry cushions. </p> + +<p><i>Occasional Jacobean table</i> to R. of settee down L. </p> + +<p><i>Stool</i>.–Upholstered in rose R. of table. </p> + +<p><i>Semi-grand piano</i>, with keyboard down stage, <i>down</i> R. below +double doors. </p> + +<p><i>On piano</i>.–Dinah's musical instrument.<br /> + Silk pink brocade piano cover. <br /> + Photo of Olivia in frame. <br /> + Photo of George Marden in frame. <br /> + Photo of Dinah in frame. <br /> + Photo of Brian in frame. <br /> + E.P. mirror. <br /> + Blue china bowl containing flowers. <br /> + Quantity of music.</p> + +<p><i>Occasional Jacobean chair</i>.–Below piano.</p> + +<p><i>Settee</i> (small Queen Anne cane-backed) upholstered in tapestry +set up and +down stage against and to L. of piano.</p> + +<p><i>Cushion</i>–dark gold brocade–on settee.</p> + +<p><i>Table</i> (occasional Jacobean) above settee to L., of piano.</p> + +<p><i>On table</i>.–Illustrated papers. <br /> + Rose-coloured piece of brocade.</p> + +<p><i>Chair</i> (occasional Jacobean with rose-coloured squab) L. of +occasional table above settee.</p> + +<p><i>Sideboard</i> (Jacobean) up R. against back wall.</p> + +<p><i>On sideboard</i>.–Metal bowl (with flowers) <br /> + Match stand. <br /> + Matches (safety). <br /> + Ash tray. <br /> + Tobacco jar filled. <br /> + George's pipe filled. <br /> + Photo in frame. <br /> + Cigarette box (with cigarettes). <br /> + Vase lamp with shade.</p> + +<p><i>Arm-chair</i> (Jacobean with rose-coloured squab)–L. of sideboard +facing out of windows.</p> + +<p><i>Curtains.</i>–Pair of rose-coloured corduroy curtains with tie +backs for centre windows. +Single rose-coloured corduroy curtain for archway up R. hung on upstage +side of arch.</p> + +<p><i>Stairs.</i>–Painted canvas ataircloth. <br /> + Brass stair rods.</p> + +<p><i>Occasional chair</i> (Jacobean with rose-coloured squab).–L. of +windows and against back wall.</p> + +<p><i>Table</i> (occasional Jacobean).–Up L. against back wall. <br /> + <i>On table.</i>–Metal bowl containing pink azalea plant in pot.</p> + +<p><i>Writing-table.</i>–In front and below C. windows (leather topped). <br /> + <i>On writing-table.</i>–Specimen glass with flowers<br /> + Writing materials. <br /> + Matches in stand. <br /> + Ash tray. <br /> + Paper and pen rack. <br /> + Small bookcase.</p> + +<p><i>Arm-chair</i> (Jacobean) below writing-table C.</p> + +<p><i>Large cabinet</i> (Jacobean Court cupboard) with three cupboard +doors and on short legs–up L. against L. wall above fireplace. <br /> + <i>In cupboard.</i>–Very pronounced <i>yellow and black +curtains</i> with webbing arranged <i>for Olivia</i> to stitch on +rings. <br /> + <i>Work-box</i> for Olivia containing needles, thread, quantity of +rings, scissors. <br /> + <i>On top of cupboard.</i>–Metal bowl with palm in pot. <br /> + Pair of scissors (extra as an emergency for Brian's business). <br /> + Large glass with flowers.</p> + +<p><i>Waste-paper basket.</i>–To L. of writing-table.</p> + +<p><i>Fireplace (L</i>.).–Brass dogs and antique fire tongs.</p> + +<p><i>Combined brass switch and bell pushes</i> on wall down L. below +fireplace.</p> + +<p><i>Brass spill-box</i> above bell pushes on wall L. below fireplace.</p> + +<p><i>Table</i> (small Jacobean round cane topped) in angle of fireplace +and wall down L. below fireplace. <br /> + <i>On table.</i>–Match stand and matches (safety). <br /> + Ash tray.</p> + +<p><i>Arm-chair</i>(Jacobean with rose-coloured squab) down L. and to R. +of circular table L. facing up stage.</p> + +<p><i>Pictures on walls.</i>–Picture in gold frame on wall down R. <br /> + Picture in gold frame on wall above double doors R. <br /> + Picture in gold frame R. of R. wall at back. <br /> + Picture in gold frame L. of R. wall at back. <br /> + Picture in gold frame R. of L. back wall. <br /> + Picture in gold frame L. of L. back wail.</p> + + + +<h1>Hand Properties</h1> + + +<p><i>Off</i> R.–Card salver and card for <i>Anne</i>.<br /> + Letter in envelope unstamped on salver. <br /> + Letter in envelope stamped for Mr. Pim. <br /> + Letter in envelope not stamped for <i>George Marden</i>.<br /> + Gentleman's visiting card (Mr. Carraway Pim) for <i>George +Marden</i>.</p> + + +<h2>Act II</h2> + +<p><i>Same Scene and Properties</i>.<br /> +Dinah's small guitar on piano.</p> + +<p>Set on Terrace<br /> + 3 light green canvas camp chairs. <br /> + 2 green and white striped camp chairs. <br /> + Folding camp table with green baize top.</p> + +<p>Curtains refolded and placed in cupboard Left.</p> + +<p><i>Off</i> R. <br /> + Large double handled E.P. tray. <br /> + 5 coffee cups (coloured for coffee) and saucers<br /> + 5 coffee spoons. <br /> + Sugar basin with sugar.</p> + +<p>Small hunting crop for <i>Lady Marden</i>.<br /> +Thick leather gloves for <i>Lady Marden</i>.<br /> +Cigarette case for <i>Brian</i>.</p> + + +<h2>Act III</h2> + +<p><i>Same Set and Furniture as Act II</i>.</p> + +<p><i>Off</i> R.–Pair of short library steps (for <i>George Marden</i>).</p> + + +<h1>Electric Plot</h1> + +<p><i>Chandelier</i> (C.).–Jacobean bronze 6-light chandelier hanging +centre <span class="smallcaps">not</span> lighted.</p> + +<p><i>Brackets</i> on walls. <br /> + <i>One on wall down</i> L. <br /> + One each side of back wall between windows and staircase R. <br /> + One each side of back wall between windows and wall L. <br /> + All above pictures, <i>not lighted</i>.</p> + +<p><i>Fire</i> in fireplace, <span class="smallcaps">not lighted</span>.</p> + +<p><i>Lengths</i>.–Length in stairway, amber and white. <br /> + Length in entrance by double door down R.</p> + +<p><i>Foots</i>.–Amber and white.</p> + +<p><i>Battens</i>.–Ceiling batten, amber and white. <br /> + No. 5 batten, amber and white.</p> + +<p><i>Arcs</i>.–2 perch arcs o.p. ) <br /> + 2 perch arcs p.s. ) Light amber and frost. <br /> + No. 1 o.p. flood stage down L.C. <br /> + No. 2 o.p. on settee down R. <br /> + No. 1 p.s. on settee L. <br /> + No. 2 p.s. on stool and flood C.</p> + +<p><i>Flood Arcs</i>.–Two flood arcs on back cloth L. and R. <br /> + <i>Flood</i> arc on transparency windows above stairs R. <br /> + <i>Focus</i> arc through windows C., L. of windows of writing-table<br /> + and doors down R. into room. Sunlight effect.</p> + +<p><i>To open</i>.–All lights full up and remain for Acts I, II and III.</p> + +<p>[ILLUSTRATION: Electric Plan "Mr. Pim Passes By"]</p> + +<BR> +<BR> +<BR> +<BR> +<PRE> +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK, MR. PIM PASSES BY *** + +This file should be named mrppb10h.htm or mrppb10h.zip +Corrected EDITIONS of our eBooks get a new NUMBER, mrppb11h.htm +VERSIONS based on separate sources get new LETTER, mrppb10ah.htm + + +Project Gutenberg eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the US +unless a copyright notice is included. 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