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diff --git a/7246.txt b/7246.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..3f0615c --- /dev/null +++ b/7246.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2042 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's +Court, Part 5., by Mark Twain (Samuel Clemens) + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court, Part 5. + +Author: Mark Twain (Samuel Clemens) + +Release Date: July 6, 2004 [EBook #7246] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK CONNECTICUT YANKEE *** + + + + +Produced by David Widger + + + + + + A CONNECTICUT YANKEE IN KING ARTHUR'S COURT + + by + + MARK TWAIN + (Samuel L. Clemens) + + Part 5. + + + +CHAPTER XXIII + +RESTORATION OF THE FOUNTAIN + +Saturday noon I went to the well and looked on a while. Merlin +was still burning smoke-powders, and pawing the air, and muttering +gibberish as hard as ever, but looking pretty down-hearted, for +of course he had not started even a perspiration in that well yet. +Finally I said: + +"How does the thing promise by this time, partner?" + +"Behold, I am even now busied with trial of the powerfulest +enchantment known to the princes of the occult arts in the lands +of the East; an it fail me, naught can avail. Peace, until I finish." + +He raised a smoke this time that darkened all the region, and must +have made matters uncomfortable for the hermits, for the wind +was their way, and it rolled down over their dens in a dense and +billowy fog. He poured out volumes of speech to match, and contorted +his body and sawed the air with his hands in a most extraordinary +way. At the end of twenty minutes he dropped down panting, and +about exhausted. Now arrived the abbot and several hundred monks +and nuns, and behind them a multitude of pilgrims and a couple of +acres of foundlings, all drawn by the prodigious smoke, and all +in a grand state of excitement. The abbot inquired anxiously for +results. Merlin said: + +"If any labor of mortal might break the spell that binds these +waters, this which I have but just essayed had done it. It has +failed; whereby I do now know that that which I had feared is +a truth established; the sign of this failure is, that the most +potent spirit known to the magicians of the East, and whose name +none may utter and live, has laid his spell upon this well. The +mortal does not breathe, nor ever will, who can penetrate the secret +of that spell, and without that secret none can break it. The +water will flow no more forever, good Father. I have done what +man could. Suffer me to go." + +Of course this threw the abbot into a good deal of a consternation. +He turned to me with the signs of it in his face, and said: + +"Ye have heard him. Is it true?" + +"Part of it is." + +"Not all, then, not all! What part is true?" + +"That that spirit with the Russian name has put his spell +upon the well." + +"God's wounds, then are we ruined!" + +"Possibly." + +"But not certainly? Ye mean, not certainly?" + +"That is it." + +"Wherefore, ye also mean that when he saith none can break the spell--" + +"Yes, when he says that, he says what isn't necessarily true. +There are conditions under which an effort to break it may have +some chance--that is, some small, some trifling chance--of success." + +"The conditions--" + +"Oh, they are nothing difficult. Only these: I want the well +and the surroundings for the space of half a mile, entirely to +myself from sunset to-day until I remove the ban--and nobody +allowed to cross the ground but by my authority." + +"Are these all?" + +"Yes." + +"And you have no fear to try?" + +"Oh, none. One may fail, of course; and one may also succeed. +One can try, and I am ready to chance it. I have my conditions?" + +"These and all others ye may name. I will issue commandment +to that effect." + +"Wait," said Merlin, with an evil smile. "Ye wit that he that +would break this spell must know that spirit's name?" + +"Yes, I know his name." + +"And wit you also that to know it skills not of itself, but ye +must likewise pronounce it? Ha-ha! Knew ye that?" + +"Yes, I knew that, too." + +"You had that knowledge! Art a fool? Are ye minded to utter +that name and die?" + +"Utter it? Why certainly. I would utter it if it was Welsh." + +"Ye are even a dead man, then; and I go to tell Arthur." + +"That's all right. Take your gripsack and get along. The thing +for _you_ to do is to go home and work the weather, John W. Merlin." + +It was a home shot, and it made him wince; for he was the worst +weather-failure in the kingdom. Whenever he ordered up the +danger-signals along the coast there was a week's dead calm, sure, +and every time he prophesied fair weather it rained brickbats. +But I kept him in the weather bureau right along, to undermine +his reputation. However, that shot raised his bile, and instead +of starting home to report my death, he said he would remain +and enjoy it. + +My two experts arrived in the evening, and pretty well fagged, +for they had traveled double tides. They had pack-mules along, +and had brought everything I needed--tools, pump, lead pipe, +Greek fire, sheaves of big rockets, roman candles, colored fire +sprays, electric apparatus, and a lot of sundries--everything +necessary for the stateliest kind of a miracle. They got their +supper and a nap, and about midnight we sallied out through a +solitude so wholly vacant and complete that it quite overpassed +the required conditions. We took possession of the well and its +surroundings. My boys were experts in all sorts of things, from +the stoning up of a well to the constructing of a mathematical +instrument. An hour before sunrise we had that leak mended in +ship-shape fashion, and the water began to rise. Then we stowed our +fireworks in the chapel, locked up the place, and went home to bed. + +Before the noon mass was over, we were at the well again; for there +was a deal to do yet, and I was determined to spring the miracle +before midnight, for business reasons: for whereas a miracle +worked for the Church on a week-day is worth a good deal, it is +worth six times as much if you get it in on a Sunday. In nine hours +the water had risen to its customary level--that is to say, it was +within twenty-three feet of the top. We put in a little iron pump, +one of the first turned out by my works near the capital; we bored +into a stone reservoir which stood against the outer wall of the +well-chamber and inserted a section of lead pipe that was long +enough to reach to the door of the chapel and project beyond +the threshold, where the gushing water would be visible to the +two hundred and fifty acres of people I was intending should be +present on the flat plain in front of this little holy hillock at +the proper time. + +We knocked the head out of an empty hogshead and hoisted this +hogshead to the flat roof of the chapel, where we clamped it down +fast, poured in gunpowder till it lay loosely an inch deep on the +bottom, then we stood up rockets in the hogshead as thick as they +could loosely stand, all the different breeds of rockets there are; +and they made a portly and imposing sheaf, I can tell you. We +grounded the wire of a pocket electrical battery in that powder, +we placed a whole magazine of Greek fire on each corner of the +roof--blue on one corner, green on another, red on another, and +purple on the last--and grounded a wire in each. + +About two hundred yards off, in the flat, we built a pen of +scantlings, about four feet high, and laid planks on it, and so +made a platform. We covered it with swell tapestries borrowed +for the occasion, and topped it off with the abbot's own throne. +When you are going to do a miracle for an ignorant race, you want +to get in every detail that will count; you want to make all the +properties impressive to the public eye; you want to make matters +comfortable for your head guest; then you can turn yourself loose +and play your effects for all they are worth. I know the value of +these things, for I know human nature. You can't throw too much +style into a miracle. It costs trouble, and work, and sometimes +money; but it pays in the end. Well, we brought the wires to +the ground at the chapel, and then brought them under the ground +to the platform, and hid the batteries there. We put a rope fence +a hundred feet square around the platform to keep off the common +multitude, and that finished the work. My idea was, doors open +at 10:30, performance to begin at 11:25 sharp. I wished I could +charge admission, but of course that wouldn't answer. I instructed +my boys to be in the chapel as early as 10, before anybody was +around, and be ready to man the pumps at the proper time, and +make the fur fly. Then we went home to supper. + +The news of the disaster to the well had traveled far by this time; +and now for two or three days a steady avalanche of people had +been pouring into the valley. The lower end of the valley was +become one huge camp; we should have a good house, no question +about that. Criers went the rounds early in the evening and +announced the coming attempt, which put every pulse up to fever +heat. They gave notice that the abbot and his official suite would +move in state and occupy the platform at 10:30, up to which time +all the region which was under my ban must be clear; the bells +would then cease from tolling, and this sign should be permission +to the multitudes to close in and take their places. + +I was at the platform and all ready to do the honors when the +abbot's solemn procession hove in sight--which it did not do till +it was nearly to the rope fence, because it was a starless black +night and no torches permitted. With it came Merlin, and took +a front seat on the platform; he was as good as his word for once. +One could not see the multitudes banked together beyond the ban, +but they were there, just the same. The moment the bells stopped, +those banked masses broke and poured over the line like a vast +black wave, and for as much as a half hour it continued to flow, +and then it solidified itself, and you could have walked upon +a pavement of human heads to--well, miles. + +We had a solemn stage-wait, now, for about twenty minutes--a thing +I had counted on for effect; it is always good to let your audience +have a chance to work up its expectancy. At length, out of the +silence a noble Latin chant--men's voices--broke and swelled up +and rolled away into the night, a majestic tide of melody. I had +put that up, too, and it was one of the best effects I ever invented. +When it was finished I stood up on the platform and extended my +hands abroad, for two minutes, with my face uplifted--that always +produces a dead hush--and then slowly pronounced this ghastly word +with a kind of awfulness which caused hundreds to tremble, and +many women to faint: + +"Constantinopolitanischerdudelsackspfeifenmachersgesellschafft!" + +Just as I was moaning out the closing hunks of that word, I touched +off one of my electric connections and all that murky world of +people stood revealed in a hideous blue glare! It was immense +--that effect! Lots of people shrieked, women curled up and quit +in every direction, foundlings collapsed by platoons. The abbot +and the monks crossed themselves nimbly and their lips fluttered +with agitated prayers. Merlin held his grip, but he was astonished +clear down to his corns; he had never seen anything to begin +with that, before. Now was the time to pile in the effects. I lifted +my hands and groaned out this word--as it were in agony: + +"Nihilistendynamittheaterkaestchenssprengungsattentaetsversuchungen!" + +--and turned on the red fire! You should have heard that Atlantic +of people moan and howl when that crimson hell joined the blue! +After sixty seconds I shouted: + +"Transvaaltruppentropentransporttrampelthiertreibertrauungsthraenen- +tragoedie!" + +--and lit up the green fire! After waiting only forty seconds this +time, I spread my arms abroad and thundered out the devastating +syllables of this word of words: + +"Mekkamuselmannenmassenmenchenmoerdermohrenmuttermarmormonumentenmacher!" + +--and whirled on the purple glare! There they were, all going +at once, red, blue, green, purple!--four furious volcanoes pouring +vast clouds of radiant smoke aloft, and spreading a blinding +rainbowed noonday to the furthest confines of that valley. In +the distance one could see that fellow on the pillar standing rigid +against the background of sky, his seesaw stopped for the first +time in twenty years. I knew the boys were at the pump now and +ready. So I said to the abbot: + +"The time is come, Father. I am about to pronounce the dread name +and command the spell to dissolve. You want to brace up, and take +hold of something." Then I shouted to the people: "Behold, in +another minute the spell will be broken, or no mortal can break it. +If it break, all will know it, for you will see the sacred water +gush from the chapel door!" + +I stood a few moments, to let the hearers have a chance to spread +my announcement to those who couldn't hear, and so convey it +to the furthest ranks, then I made a grand exhibition of extra +posturing and gesturing, and shouted: + +"Lo, I command the fell spirit that possesses the holy fountain +to now disgorge into the skies all the infernal fires that still +remain in him, and straightway dissolve his spell and flee hence +to the pit, there to lie bound a thousand years. By his own dread +name I command it--BGWJJILLIGKKK!" + +Then I touched off the hogshead of rockets, and a vast fountain of +dazzling lances of fire vomited itself toward the zenith with a +hissing rush, and burst in mid-sky into a storm of flashing jewels! +One mighty groan of terror started up from the massed people +--then suddenly broke into a wild hosannah of joy--for there, fair +and plain in the uncanny glare, they saw the freed water leaping +forth! The old abbot could not speak a word, for tears and the +chokings in his throat; without utterance of any sort, he folded me +in his arms and mashed me. It was more eloquent than speech. +And harder to get over, too, in a country where there were really +no doctors that were worth a damaged nickel. + +You should have seen those acres of people throw themselves down +in that water and kiss it; kiss it, and pet it, and fondle it, and +talk to it as if it were alive, and welcome it back with the dear +names they gave their darlings, just as if it had been a friend who +was long gone away and lost, and was come home again. Yes, it was +pretty to see, and made me think more of them than I had done before. + +I sent Merlin home on a shutter. He had caved in and gone down +like a landslide when I pronounced that fearful name, and had +never come to since. He never had heard that name before,--neither +had I--but to him it was the right one. Any jumble would have +been the right one. He admitted, afterward, that that spirit's own +mother could not have pronounced that name better than I did. +He never could understand how I survived it, and I didn't tell +him. It is only young magicians that give away a secret like that. +Merlin spent three months working enchantments to try to find out +the deep trick of how to pronounce that name and outlive it. +But he didn't arrive. + +When I started to the chapel, the populace uncovered and fell back +reverently to make a wide way for me, as if I had been some kind +of a superior being--and I was. I was aware of that. I took along +a night shift of monks, and taught them the mystery of the pump, +and set them to work, for it was plain that a good part of the +people out there were going to sit up with the water all night, +consequently it was but right that they should have all they wanted +of it. To those monks that pump was a good deal of a miracle +itself, and they were full of wonder over it; and of admiration, +too, of the exceeding effectiveness of its performance. + +It was a great night, an immense night. There was reputation in it. +I could hardly get to sleep for glorying over it. + + + +CHAPTER XXIV + +A RIVAL MAGICIAN + +My influence in the Valley of Holiness was something prodigious +now. It seemed worth while to try to turn it to some valuable +account. The thought came to me the next morning, and was suggested +by my seeing one of my knights who was in the soap line come +riding in. According to history, the monks of this place two +centuries before had been worldly minded enough to want to wash. +It might be that there was a leaven of this unrighteousness still +remaining. So I sounded a Brother: + +"Wouldn't you like a bath?" + +He shuddered at the thought--the thought of the peril of it to +the well--but he said with feeling: + +"One needs not to ask that of a poor body who has not known that +blessed refreshment sith that he was a boy. Would God I might +wash me! but it may not be, fair sir, tempt me not; it is forbidden." + +And then he sighed in such a sorrowful way that I was resolved +he should have at least one layer of his real estate removed, +if it sized up my whole influence and bankrupted the pile. So I +went to the abbot and asked for a permit for this Brother. He +blenched at the idea--I don't mean that you could see him blench, +for of course you couldn't see it without you scraped him, and +I didn't care enough about it to scrape him, but I knew the blench +was there, just the same, and within a book-cover's thickness of +the surface, too--blenched, and trembled. He said: + +"Ah, son, ask aught else thou wilt, and it is thine, and freely +granted out of a grateful heart--but this, oh, this! Would you +drive away the blessed water again?" + +"No, Father, I will not drive it away. I have mysterious knowledge +which teaches me that there was an error that other time when +it was thought the institution of the bath banished the fountain." +A large interest began to show up in the old man's face. "My +knowledge informs me that the bath was innocent of that misfortune, +which was caused by quite another sort of sin." + +"These are brave words--but--but right welcome, if they be true." + +"They are true, indeed. Let me build the bath again, Father. +Let me build it again, and the fountain shall flow forever." + +"You promise this?--you promise it? Say the word--say you promise it!" + +"I do promise it." + +"Then will I have the first bath myself! Go--get ye to your work. +Tarry not, tarry not, but go." + +I and my boys were at work, straight off. The ruins of the old +bath were there yet in the basement of the monastery, not a stone +missing. They had been left just so, all these lifetimes, and +avoided with a pious fear, as things accursed. In two days we +had it all done and the water in--a spacious pool of clear pure +water that a body could swim in. It was running water, too. +It came in, and went out, through the ancient pipes. The old abbot +kept his word, and was the first to try it. He went down black +and shaky, leaving the whole black community above troubled and +worried and full of bodings; but he came back white and joyful, +and the game was made! another triumph scored. + +It was a good campaign that we made in that Valley of Holiness, +and I was very well satisfied, and ready to move on now, but +I struck a disappointment. I caught a heavy cold, and it started +up an old lurking rheumatism of mine. Of course the rheumatism +hunted up my weakest place and located itself there. This was +the place where the abbot put his arms about me and mashed me, what +time he was moved to testify his gratitude to me with an embrace. + +When at last I got out, I was a shadow. But everybody was full +of attentions and kindnesses, and these brought cheer back into +my life, and were the right medicine to help a convalescent swiftly +up toward health and strength again; so I gained fast. + +Sandy was worn out with nursing; so I made up my mind to turn out +and go a cruise alone, leaving her at the nunnery to rest up. +My idea was to disguise myself as a freeman of peasant degree +and wander through the country a week or two on foot. This would +give me a chance to eat and lodge with the lowliest and poorest +class of free citizens on equal terms. There was no other way +to inform myself perfectly of their everyday life and the operation +of the laws upon it. If I went among them as a gentleman, there +would be restraints and conventionalities which would shut me out +from their private joys and troubles, and I should get no further +than the outside shell. + +One morning I was out on a long walk to get up muscle for my trip, +and had climbed the ridge which bordered the northern extremity +of the valley, when I came upon an artificial opening in the face +of a low precipice, and recognized it by its location as a hermitage +which had often been pointed out to me from a distance as the den +of a hermit of high renown for dirt and austerity. I knew he had +lately been offered a situation in the Great Sahara, where lions +and sandflies made the hermit-life peculiarly attractive and +difficult, and had gone to Africa to take possession, so I thought +I would look in and see how the atmosphere of this den agreed +with its reputation. + +My surprise was great: the place was newly swept and scoured. +Then there was another surprise. Back in the gloom of the cavern +I heard the clink of a little bell, and then this exclamation: + +"Hello Central! Is this you, Camelot?--Behold, thou mayst glad +thy heart an thou hast faith to believe the wonderful when that +it cometh in unexpected guise and maketh itself manifest in +impossible places--here standeth in the flesh his mightiness +The Boss, and with thine own ears shall ye hear him speak!" + +Now what a radical reversal of things this was; what a jumbling +together of extravagant incongruities; what a fantastic conjunction +of opposites and irreconcilables--the home of the bogus miracle +become the home of a real one, the den of a mediaeval hermit turned +into a telephone office! + +The telephone clerk stepped into the light, and I recognized one +of my young fellows. I said: + +"How long has this office been established here, Ulfius?" + +"But since midnight, fair Sir Boss, an it please you. We saw many +lights in the valley, and so judged it well to make a station, +for that where so many lights be needs must they indicate a town +of goodly size." + +"Quite right. It isn't a town in the customary sense, but it's +a good stand, anyway. Do you know where you are?" + +"Of that I have had no time to make inquiry; for whenas my +comradeship moved hence upon their labors, leaving me in charge, +I got me to needed rest, purposing to inquire when I waked, and +report the place's name to Camelot for record." + +"Well, this is the Valley of Holiness." + +It didn't take; I mean, he didn't start at the name, as I had +supposed he would. He merely said: + +"I will so report it." + +"Why, the surrounding regions are filled with the noise of late +wonders that have happened here! You didn't hear of them?" + +"Ah, ye will remember we move by night, and avoid speech with all. +We learn naught but that we get by the telephone from Camelot." + +"Why _they_ know all about this thing. Haven't they told you anything +about the great miracle of the restoration of a holy fountain?" + +"Oh, _that_? Indeed yes. But the name of _this_ valley doth woundily +differ from the name of _that_ one; indeed to differ wider were not pos--" + +"What was that name, then?" + +"The Valley of Hellishness." + +"_That_ explains it. Confound a telephone, anyway. It is the very +demon for conveying similarities of sound that are miracles of +divergence from similarity of sense. But no matter, you know +the name of the place now. Call up Camelot." + +He did it, and had Clarence sent for. It was good to hear my boy's +voice again. It was like being home. After some affectionate +interchanges, and some account of my late illness, I said: + +"What is new?" + +"The king and queen and many of the court do start even in this +hour, to go to your valley to pay pious homage to the waters ye +have restored, and cleanse themselves of sin, and see the place +where the infernal spirit spouted true hell-flames to the clouds +--an ye listen sharply ye may hear me wink and hear me likewise +smile a smile, sith 'twas I that made selection of those flames +from out our stock and sent them by your order." + +"Does the king know the way to this place?" + +"The king?--no, nor to any other in his realms, mayhap; but the lads +that holp you with your miracle will be his guide and lead the way, +and appoint the places for rests at noons and sleeps at night." + +"This will bring them here--when?" + +"Mid-afternoon, or later, the third day." + +"Anything else in the way of news?" + +"The king hath begun the raising of the standing army ye suggested +to him; one regiment is complete and officered." + +"The mischief! I wanted a main hand in that myself. There is +only one body of men in the kingdom that are fitted to officer +a regular army." + +"Yes--and now ye will marvel to know there's not so much as one +West Pointer in that regiment." + +"What are you talking about? Are you in earnest?" + +"It is truly as I have said." + +"Why, this makes me uneasy. Who were chosen, and what was the +method? Competitive examination?" + +"Indeed, I know naught of the method. I but know this--these +officers be all of noble family, and are born--what is it you +call it?--chuckleheads." + +"There's something wrong, Clarence." + +"Comfort yourself, then; for two candidates for a lieutenancy do +travel hence with the king--young nobles both--and if you but wait +where you are you will hear them questioned." + +"That is news to the purpose. I will get one West Pointer in, +anyway. Mount a man and send him to that school with a message; +let him kill horses, if necessary, but he must be there before +sunset to-night and say--" + +"There is no need. I have laid a ground wire to the school. +Prithee let me connect you with it." + +It sounded good! In this atmosphere of telephones and lightning +communication with distant regions, I was breathing the breath +of life again after long suffocation. I realized, then, what a +creepy, dull, inanimate horror this land had been to me all these +years, and how I had been in such a stifled condition of mind as +to have grown used to it almost beyond the power to notice it. + +I gave my order to the superintendent of the Academy personally. +I also asked him to bring me some paper and a fountain pen and +a box or so of safety matches. I was getting tired of doing +without these conveniences. I could have them now, as I wasn't +going to wear armor any more at present, and therefore could get +at my pockets. + +When I got back to the monastery, I found a thing of interest +going on. The abbot and his monks were assembled in the great +hall, observing with childish wonder and faith the performances +of a new magician, a fresh arrival. His dress was the extreme of +the fantastic; as showy and foolish as the sort of thing an Indian +medicine-man wears. He was mowing, and mumbling, and gesticulating, +and drawing mystical figures in the air and on the floor,--the +regular thing, you know. He was a celebrity from Asia--so he +said, and that was enough. That sort of evidence was as good +as gold, and passed current everywhere. + +How easy and cheap it was to be a great magician on this fellow's +terms. His specialty was to tell you what any individual on the +face of the globe was doing at the moment; and what he had done +at any time in the past, and what he would do at any time in the +future. He asked if any would like to know what the Emperor of +the East was doing now? The sparkling eyes and the delighted rubbing +of hands made eloquent answer--this reverend crowd _would_ like to +know what that monarch was at, just as this moment. The fraud +went through some more mummery, and then made grave announcement: + +"The high and mighty Emperor of the East doth at this moment put +money in the palm of a holy begging friar--one, two, three pieces, +and they be all of silver." + +A buzz of admiring exclamations broke out, all around: + +"It is marvelous!" "Wonderful!" "What study, what labor, to have +acquired a so amazing power as this!" + +Would they like to know what the Supreme Lord of Inde was doing? +Yes. He told them what the Supreme Lord of Inde was doing. Then +he told them what the Sultan of Egypt was at; also what the King +of the Remote Seas was about. And so on and so on; and with each +new marvel the astonishment at his accuracy rose higher and higher. +They thought he must surely strike an uncertain place some time; +but no, he never had to hesitate, he always knew, and always with +unerring precision. I saw that if this thing went on I should lose +my supremacy, this fellow would capture my following, I should +be left out in the cold. I must put a cog in his wheel, and do it +right away, too. I said: + +"If I might ask, I should very greatly like to know what a certain +person is doing." + +"Speak, and freely. I will tell you." + +"It will be difficult--perhaps impossible." + +"My art knoweth not that word. The more difficult it is, the more +certainly will I reveal it to you." + +You see, I was working up the interest. It was getting pretty +high, too; you could see that by the craning necks all around, +and the half-suspended breathing. So now I climaxed it: + +"If you make no mistake--if you tell me truly what I want to +know--I will give you two hundred silver pennies." + +"The fortune is mine! I will tell you what you would know." + +"Then tell me what I am doing with my right hand." + +"Ah-h!" There was a general gasp of surprise. It had not occurred +to anybody in the crowd--that simple trick of inquiring about +somebody who wasn't ten thousand miles away. The magician was +hit hard; it was an emergency that had never happened in his +experience before, and it corked him; he didn't know how to meet +it. He looked stunned, confused; he couldn't say a word. "Come," +I said, "what are you waiting for? Is it possible you can answer up, +right off, and tell what anybody on the other side of the earth is +doing, and yet can't tell what a person is doing who isn't three +yards from you? Persons behind me know what I am doing with my +right hand--they will indorse you if you tell correctly." He was +still dumb. "Very well, I'll tell you why you don't speak up and +tell; it is because you don't know. _You_ a magician! Good friends, +this tramp is a mere fraud and liar." + +This distressed the monks and terrified them. They were not used +to hearing these awful beings called names, and they did not know +what might be the consequence. There was a dead silence now; +superstitious bodings were in every mind. The magician began to +pull his wits together, and when he presently smiled an easy, +nonchalant smile, it spread a mighty relief around; for it indicated +that his mood was not destructive. He said: + +"It hath struck me speechless, the frivolity of this person's +speech. Let all know, if perchance there be any who know it not, +that enchanters of my degree deign not to concern themselves with +the doings of any but kings, princes, emperors, them that be born +in the purple and them only. Had ye asked me what Arthur the great +king is doing, it were another matter, and I had told ye; but the +doings of a subject interest me not." + +"Oh, I misunderstood you. I thought you said 'anybody,' and so +I supposed 'anybody' included--well, anybody; that is, everybody." + +"It doth--anybody that is of lofty birth; and the better if +he be royal." + +"That, it meseemeth, might well be," said the abbot, who saw his +opportunity to smooth things and avert disaster, "for it were not +likely that so wonderful a gift as this would be conferred for +the revelation of the concerns of lesser beings than such as be +born near to the summits of greatness. Our Arthur the king--" + +"Would you know of him?" broke in the enchanter. + +"Most gladly, yea, and gratefully." + +Everybody was full of awe and interest again right away, the +incorrigible idiots. They watched the incantations absorbingly, +and looked at me with a "There, now, what can you say to that?" +air, when the announcement came: + +"The king is weary with the chase, and lieth in his palace these +two hours sleeping a dreamless sleep." + +"God's benison upon him!" said the abbot, and crossed himself; +"may that sleep be to the refreshment of his body and his soul." + +"And so it might be, if he were sleeping," I said, "but the king +is not sleeping, the king rides." + +Here was trouble again--a conflict of authority. Nobody knew which +of us to believe; I still had some reputation left. The magician's +scorn was stirred, and he said: + +"Lo, I have seen many wonderful soothsayers and prophets and +magicians in my life days, but none before that could sit idle and +see to the heart of things with never an incantation to help." + +"You have lived in the woods, and lost much by it. I use incantations +myself, as this good brotherhood are aware--but only on occasions +of moment." + +When it comes to sarcasming, I reckon I know how to keep my end up. +That jab made this fellow squirm. The abbot inquired after the +queen and the court, and got this information: + +"They be all on sleep, being overcome by fatigue, like as to the king." + +I said: + +"That is merely another lie. Half of them are about their amusements, +the queen and the other half are not sleeping, they ride. Now +perhaps you can spread yourself a little, and tell us where the king +and queen and all that are this moment riding with them are going?" + +"They sleep now, as I said; but on the morrow they will ride, +for they go a journey toward the sea." + +"And where will they be the day after to-morrow at vespers?" + +"Far to the north of Camelot, and half their journey will be done." + +"That is another lie, by the space of a hundred and fifty miles. +Their journey will not be merely half done, it will be all done, +and they will be _here_, in this valley." + +_That_ was a noble shot! It set the abbot and the monks in a whirl +of excitement, and it rocked the enchanter to his base. I followed +the thing right up: + +"If the king does not arrive, I will have myself ridden on a rail: +if he does I will ride you on a rail instead." + +Next day I went up to the telephone office and found that the king +had passed through two towns that were on the line. I spotted +his progress on the succeeding day in the same way. I kept these +matters to myself. The third day's reports showed that if he +kept up his gait he would arrive by four in the afternoon. There +was still no sign anywhere of interest in his coming; there seemed +to be no preparations making to receive him in state; a strange +thing, truly. Only one thing could explain this: that other +magician had been cutting under me, sure. This was true. I asked +a friend of mine, a monk, about it, and he said, yes, the magician +had tried some further enchantments and found out that the court +had concluded to make no journey at all, but stay at home. Think +of that! Observe how much a reputation was worth in such a country. +These people had seen me do the very showiest bit of magic in +history, and the only one within their memory that had a positive +value, and yet here they were, ready to take up with an adventurer +who could offer no evidence of his powers but his mere unproven word. + +However, it was not good politics to let the king come without +any fuss and feathers at all, so I went down and drummed up a +procession of pilgrims and smoked out a batch of hermits and +started them out at two o'clock to meet him. And that was the +sort of state he arrived in. The abbot was helpless with rage +and humiliation when I brought him out on a balcony and showed +him the head of the state marching in and never a monk on hand to +offer him welcome, and no stir of life or clang of joy-bell to glad +his spirit. He took one look and then flew to rouse out his forces. +The next minute the bells were dinning furiously, and the various +buildings were vomiting monks and nuns, who went swarming in a +rush toward the coming procession; and with them went that magician +--and he was on a rail, too, by the abbot's order; and his reputation +was in the mud, and mine was in the sky again. Yes, a man can +keep his trademark current in such a country, but he can't sit +around and do it; he has got to be on deck and attending to business +right along. + + + +CHAPTER XXV + +A COMPETITIVE EXAMINATION + +When the king traveled for change of air, or made a progress, or +visited a distant noble whom he wished to bankrupt with the cost +of his keep, part of the administration moved with him. It was +a fashion of the time. The Commission charged with the examination +of candidates for posts in the army came with the king to the +Valley, whereas they could have transacted their business just +as well at home. And although this expedition was strictly a +holiday excursion for the king, he kept some of his business +functions going just the same. He touched for the evil, as usual; +he held court in the gate at sunrise and tried cases, for he was +himself Chief Justice of the King's Bench. + +He shone very well in this latter office. He was a wise and humane +judge, and he clearly did his honest best and fairest,--according +to his lights. That is a large reservation. His lights--I mean +his rearing--often colored his decisions. Whenever there was a +dispute between a noble or gentleman and a person of lower degree, +the king's leanings and sympathies were for the former class always, +whether he suspected it or not. It was impossible that this should +be otherwise. The blunting effects of slavery upon the slaveholder's +moral perceptions are known and conceded, the world over; and a +privileged class, an aristocracy, is but a band of slaveholders +under another name. This has a harsh sound, and yet should not +be offensive to any--even to the noble himself--unless the fact +itself be an offense: for the statement simply formulates a fact. +The repulsive feature of slavery is the _thing_, not its name. One +needs but to hear an aristocrat speak of the classes that are below +him to recognize--and in but indifferently modified measure +--the very air and tone of the actual slaveholder; and behind these +are the slaveholder's spirit, the slaveholder's blunted feeling. +They are the result of the same cause in both cases: the possessor's +old and inbred custom of regarding himself as a superior being. +The king's judgments wrought frequent injustices, but it was merely +the fault of his training, his natural and unalterable sympathies. +He was as unfitted for a judgeship as would be the average mother +for the position of milk-distributor to starving children in +famine-time; her own children would fare a shade better than the rest. + +One very curious case came before the king. A young girl, an +orphan, who had a considerable estate, married a fine young fellow +who had nothing. The girl's property was within a seigniory held +by the Church. The bishop of the diocese, an arrogant scion of +the great nobility, claimed the girl's estate on the ground that +she had married privately, and thus had cheated the Church out +of one of its rights as lord of the seigniory--the one heretofore +referred to as le droit du seigneur. The penalty of refusal or +avoidance was confiscation. The girl's defense was, that the +lordship of the seigniory was vested in the bishop, and the +particular right here involved was not transferable, but must be +exercised by the lord himself or stand vacated; and that an older +law, of the Church itself, strictly barred the bishop from exercising +it. It was a very odd case, indeed. + +It reminded me of something I had read in my youth about the +ingenious way in which the aldermen of London raised the money +that built the Mansion House. A person who had not taken the +Sacrament according to the Anglican rite could not stand as a +candidate for sheriff of London. Thus Dissenters were ineligible; +they could not run if asked, they could not serve if elected. +The aldermen, who without any question were Yankees in disguise, +hit upon this neat device: they passed a by-law imposing a fine +of L400 upon any one who should refuse to be a candidate for +sheriff, and a fine of L600 upon any person who, after being +elected sheriff, refused to serve. Then they went to work and +elected a lot of Dissenters, one after another, and kept it up +until they had collected L15,000 in fines; and there stands the +stately Mansion House to this day, to keep the blushing citizen +in mind of a long past and lamented day when a band of Yankees +slipped into London and played games of the sort that has given +their race a unique and shady reputation among all truly good +and holy peoples that be in the earth. + +The girl's case seemed strong to me; the bishop's case was just +as strong. I did not see how the king was going to get out of +this hole. But he got out. I append his decision: + +"Truly I find small difficulty here, the matter being even a +child's affair for simpleness. An the young bride had conveyed +notice, as in duty bound, to her feudal lord and proper master +and protector the bishop, she had suffered no loss, for the said +bishop could have got a dispensation making him, for temporary +conveniency, eligible to the exercise of his said right, and thus +would she have kept all she had. Whereas, failing in her first +duty, she hath by that failure failed in all; for whoso, clinging +to a rope, severeth it above his hands, must fall; it being no +defense to claim that the rest of the rope is sound, neither any +deliverance from his peril, as he shall find. Pardy, the woman's +case is rotten at the source. It is the decree of the court that +she forfeit to the said lord bishop all her goods, even to the +last farthing that she doth possess, and be thereto mulcted in +the costs. Next!" + +Here was a tragic end to a beautiful honeymoon not yet three months +old. Poor young creatures! They had lived these three months +lapped to the lips in worldly comforts. These clothes and trinkets +they were wearing were as fine and dainty as the shrewdest stretch +of the sumptuary laws allowed to people of their degree; and in +these pretty clothes, she crying on his shoulder, and he trying +to comfort her with hopeful words set to the music of despair, +they went from the judgment seat out into the world homeless, +bedless, breadless; why, the very beggars by the roadsides were +not so poor as they. + +Well, the king was out of the hole; and on terms satisfactory to +the Church and the rest of the aristocracy, no doubt. Men write +many fine and plausible arguments in support of monarchy, but +the fact remains that where every man in a State has a vote, brutal +laws are impossible. Arthur's people were of course poor material +for a republic, because they had been debased so long by monarchy; +and yet even they would have been intelligent enough to make short +work of that law which the king had just been administering if it +had been submitted to their full and free vote. There is a phrase +which has grown so common in the world's mouth that it has come +to seem to have sense and meaning--the sense and meaning implied +when it is used; that is the phrase which refers to this or that or +the other nation as possibly being "capable of self-government"; +and the implied sense of it is, that there has been a nation +somewhere, some time or other which _wasn't_ capable of it--wasn't as +able to govern itself as some self-appointed specialists were or +would be to govern it. The master minds of all nations, in all +ages, have sprung in affluent multitude from the mass of the nation, +and from the mass of the nation only--not from its privileged +classes; and so, no matter what the nation's intellectual grade +was; whether high or low, the bulk of its ability was in the long +ranks of its nameless and its poor, and so it never saw the day +that it had not the material in abundance whereby to govern itself. +Which is to assert an always self-proven fact: that even the best +governed and most free and most enlightened monarchy is still +behind the best condition attainable by its people; and that the +same is true of kindred governments of lower grades, all the way +down to the lowest. + +King Arthur had hurried up the army business altogether beyond +my calculations. I had not supposed he would move in the matter +while I was away; and so I had not mapped out a scheme for determining +the merits of officers; I had only remarked that it would be wise +to submit every candidate to a sharp and searching examination; +and privately I meant to put together a list of military qualifications +that nobody could answer to but my West Pointers. That ought +to have been attended to before I left; for the king was so taken +with the idea of a standing army that he couldn't wait but must +get about it at once, and get up as good a scheme of examination +as he could invent out of his own head. + +I was impatient to see what this was; and to show, too, how much +more admirable was the one which I should display to the Examining +Board. I intimated this, gently, to the king, and it fired his +curiosity. When the Board was assembled, I followed him in; and +behind us came the candidates. One of these candidates was a bright +young West Pointer of mine, and with him were a couple of my +West Point professors. + +When I saw the Board, I did not know whether to cry or to laugh. +The head of it was the officer known to later centuries as Norroy +King-at-Arms! The two other members were chiefs of bureaus in +his department; and all three were priests, of course; all officials +who had to know how to read and write were priests. + +My candidate was called first, out of courtesy to me, and the head +of the Board opened on him with official solemnity: + +"Name?" + +"Mal-ease." + +"Son of?" + +"Webster." + +"Webster--Webster. H'm--I--my memory faileth to recall the +name. Condition?" + +"Weaver." + +"Weaver!--God keep us!" + +The king was staggered, from his summit to his foundations; one +clerk fainted, and the others came near it. The chairman pulled +himself together, and said indignantly: + +"It is sufficient. Get you hence." + +But I appealed to the king. I begged that my candidate might be +examined. The king was willing, but the Board, who were all +well-born folk, implored the king to spare them the indignity of +examining the weaver's son. I knew they didn't know enough to +examine him anyway, so I joined my prayers to theirs and the king +turned the duty over to my professors. I had had a blackboard +prepared, and it was put up now, and the circus began. It was +beautiful to hear the lad lay out the science of war, and wallow +in details of battle and siege, of supply, transportation, mining +and countermining, grand tactics, big strategy and little strategy, +signal service, infantry, cavalry, artillery, and all about siege +guns, field guns, gatling guns, rifled guns, smooth bores, musket +practice, revolver practice--and not a solitary word of it all +could these catfish make head or tail of, you understand--and it +was handsome to see him chalk off mathematical nightmares on the +blackboard that would stump the angels themselves, and do it like +nothing, too--all about eclipses, and comets, and solstices, and +constellations, and mean time, and sidereal time, and dinner time, +and bedtime, and every other imaginable thing above the clouds or +under them that you could harry or bullyrag an enemy with and make +him wish he hadn't come--and when the boy made his military salute +and stood aside at last, I was proud enough to hug him, and all +those other people were so dazed they looked partly petrified, +partly drunk, and wholly caught out and snowed under. I judged +that the cake was ours, and by a large majority. + +Education is a great thing. This was the same youth who had come +to West Point so ignorant that when I asked him, "If a general +officer should have a horse shot under him on the field of battle, +what ought he to do?" answered up naively and said: + +"Get up and brush himself." + +One of the young nobles was called up now. I thought I would +question him a little myself. I said: + +"Can your lordship read?" + +His face flushed indignantly, and he fired this at me: + +"Takest me for a clerk? I trow I am not of a blood that--" + +"Answer the question!" + +He crowded his wrath down and made out to answer "No." + +"Can you write?" + +He wanted to resent this, too, but I said: + +"You will confine yourself to the questions, and make no comments. +You are not here to air your blood or your graces, and nothing +of the sort will be permitted. Can you write?" + +"No." + +"Do you know the multiplication table?" + +"I wit not what ye refer to." + +"How much is 9 times 6?" + +"It is a mystery that is hidden from me by reason that the emergency +requiring the fathoming of it hath not in my life-days occurred, +and so, not having no need to know this thing, I abide barren +of the knowledge." + +"If A trade a barrel of onions to B, worth 2 pence the bushel, +in exchange for a sheep worth 4 pence and a dog worth a penny, +and C kill the dog before delivery, because bitten by the same, +who mistook him for D, what sum is still due to A from B, and +which party pays for the dog, C or D, and who gets the money? +If A, is the penny sufficient, or may he claim consequential damages +in the form of additional money to represent the possible profit +which might have inured from the dog, and classifiable as earned +increment, that is to say, usufruct?" + +"Verily, in the all-wise and unknowable providence of God, who +moveth in mysterious ways his wonders to perform, have I never +heard the fellow to this question for confusion of the mind and +congestion of the ducts of thought. Wherefore I beseech you let +the dog and the onions and these people of the strange and godless +names work out their several salvations from their piteous and +wonderful difficulties without help of mine, for indeed their +trouble is sufficient as it is, whereas an I tried to help I should +but damage their cause the more and yet mayhap not live myself +to see the desolation wrought." + +"What do you know of the laws of attraction and gravitation?" + +"If there be such, mayhap his grace the king did promulgate them +whilst that I lay sick about the beginning of the year and thereby +failed to hear his proclamation." + +"What do you know of the science of optics?" + +"I know of governors of places, and seneschals of castles, and +sheriffs of counties, and many like small offices and titles of +honor, but him you call the Science of Optics I have not heard +of before; peradventure it is a new dignity." + +"Yes, in this country." + +Try to conceive of this mollusk gravely applying for an official +position, of any kind under the sun! Why, he had all the earmarks +of a typewriter copyist, if you leave out the disposition to +contribute uninvited emendations of your grammar and punctuation. +It was unaccountable that he didn't attempt a little help of that +sort out of his majestic supply of incapacity for the job. But that +didn't prove that he hadn't material in him for the disposition, +it only proved that he wasn't a typewriter copyist yet. After +nagging him a little more, I let the professors loose on him and +they turned him inside out, on the line of scientific war, and +found him empty, of course. He knew somewhat about the warfare +of the time--bushwhacking around for ogres, and bull-fights in +the tournament ring, and such things--but otherwise he was empty +and useless. Then we took the other young noble in hand, and he +was the first one's twin, for ignorance and incapacity. I delivered +them into the hands of the chairman of the Board with the comfortable +consciousness that their cake was dough. They were examined in +the previous order of precedence. + +"Name, so please you?" + +"Pertipole, son of Sir Pertipole, Baron of Barley Mash." + +"Grandfather?" + +"Also Sir Pertipole, Baron of Barley Mash." + +"Great-grandfather?" + +"The same name and title." + +"Great-great-grandfather?" + +"We had none, worshipful sir, the line failing before it had +reached so far back." + +"It mattereth not. It is a good four generations, and fulfilleth +the requirements of the rule." + +"Fulfills what rule?" I asked. + +"The rule requiring four generations of nobility or else the +candidate is not eligible." + +"A man not eligible for a lieutenancy in the army unless he can +prove four generations of noble descent?" + +"Even so; neither lieutenant nor any other officer may be commissioned +without that qualification." + +"Oh, come, this is an astonishing thing. What good is such a +qualification as that?" + +"What good? It is a hardy question, fair sir and Boss, since it doth +go far to impugn the wisdom of even our holy Mother Church herself." + +"As how?" + +"For that she hath established the self-same rule regarding +saints. By her law none may be canonized until he hath lain dead +four generations." + +"I see, I see--it is the same thing. It is wonderful. In the one +case a man lies dead-alive four generations--mummified in ignorance +and sloth--and that qualifies him to command live people, and take +their weal and woe into his impotent hands; and in the other case, +a man lies bedded with death and worms four generations, and that +qualifies him for office in the celestial camp. Does the king's +grace approve of this strange law?" + +The king said: + +"Why, truly I see naught about it that is strange. All places of +honor and of profit do belong, by natural right, to them that be +of noble blood, and so these dignities in the army are their +property and would be so without this or any rule. The rule is +but to mark a limit. Its purpose is to keep out too recent blood, +which would bring into contempt these offices, and men of lofty +lineage would turn their backs and scorn to take them. I were +to blame an I permitted this calamity. _You_ can permit it an you +are minded so to do, for you have the delegated authority, but +that the king should do it were a most strange madness and not +comprehensible to any." + +"I yield. Proceed, sir Chief of the Herald's College." + +The chairman resumed as follows: + +"By what illustrious achievement for the honor of the Throne and +State did the founder of your great line lift himself to the +sacred dignity of the British nobility?" + +"He built a brewery." + +"Sire, the Board finds this candidate perfect in all the requirements +and qualifications for military command, and doth hold his case +open for decision after due examination of his competitor." + +The competitor came forward and proved exactly four generations +of nobility himself. So there was a tie in military qualifications +that far. + +He stood aside a moment, and Sir Pertipole was questioned further: + +"Of what condition was the wife of the founder of your line?" + +"She came of the highest landed gentry, yet she was not noble; +she was gracious and pure and charitable, of a blameless life and +character, insomuch that in these regards was she peer of the +best lady in the land." + +"That will do. Stand down." He called up the competing lordling +again, and asked: "What was the rank and condition of the +great-grandmother who conferred British nobility upon your +great house?" + +"She was a king's leman and did climb to that splendid eminence +by her own unholpen merit from the sewer where she was born." + +"Ah, this, indeed, is true nobility, this is the right and perfect +intermixture. The lieutenancy is yours, fair lord. Hold it not in +contempt; it is the humble step which will lead to grandeurs more +worthy of the splendor of an origin like to thine." + +I was down in the bottomless pit of humiliation. I had promised +myself an easy and zenith-scouring triumph, and this was the outcome! + +I was almost ashamed to look my poor disappointed cadet in the +face. I told him to go home and be patient, this wasn't the end. + +I had a private audience with the king, and made a proposition. +I said it was quite right to officer that regiment with nobilities, +and he couldn't have done a wiser thing. It would also be a good +idea to add five hundred officers to it; in fact, add as many +officers as there were nobles and relatives of nobles in the +country, even if there should finally be five times as many officers +as privates in it; and thus make it the crack regiment, the envied +regiment, the King's Own regiment, and entitled to fight on its +own hook and in its own way, and go whither it would and come +when it pleased, in time of war, and be utterly swell and independent. +This would make that regiment the heart's desire of all the +nobility, and they would all be satisfied and happy. Then we +would make up the rest of the standing army out of commonplace +materials, and officer it with nobodies, as was proper--nobodies +selected on a basis of mere efficiency--and we would make this +regiment toe the line, allow it no aristocratic freedom from +restraint, and force it to do all the work and persistent hammering, +to the end that whenever the King's Own was tired and wanted to go +off for a change and rummage around amongst ogres and have a good +time, it could go without uneasiness, knowing that matters were in +safe hands behind it, and business going to be continued at the +old stand, same as usual. The king was charmed with the idea. + +When I noticed that, it gave me a valuable notion. I thought +I saw my way out of an old and stubborn difficulty at last. You +see, the royalties of the Pendragon stock were a long-lived race +and very fruitful. Whenever a child was born to any of these +--and it was pretty often--there was wild joy in the nation's mouth, +and piteous sorrow in the nation's heart. The joy was questionable, +but the grief was honest. Because the event meant another call +for a Royal Grant. Long was the list of these royalties, and +they were a heavy and steadily increasing burden upon the treasury +and a menace to the crown. Yet Arthur could not believe this +latter fact, and he would not listen to any of my various projects +for substituting something in the place of the royal grants. If I +could have persuaded him to now and then provide a support for +one of these outlying scions from his own pocket, I could have +made a grand to-do over it, and it would have had a good effect +with the nation; but no, he wouldn't hear of such a thing. He had +something like a religious passion for royal grant; he seemed to +look upon it as a sort of sacred swag, and one could not irritate +him in any way so quickly and so surely as by an attack upon that +venerable institution. If I ventured to cautiously hint that there +was not another respectable family in England that would humble +itself to hold out the hat--however, that is as far as I ever got; +he always cut me short there, and peremptorily, too. + +But I believed I saw my chance at last. I would form this crack +regiment out of officers alone--not a single private. Half of it +should consist of nobles, who should fill all the places up to +Major-General, and serve gratis and pay their own expenses; and +they would be glad to do this when they should learn that the rest +of the regiment would consist exclusively of princes of the blood. +These princes of the blood should range in rank from Lieutenant-General +up to Field Marshal, and be gorgeously salaried and equipped and +fed by the state. Moreover--and this was the master stroke +--it should be decreed that these princely grandees should be always +addressed by a stunningly gaudy and awe-compelling title (which +I would presently invent), and they and they only in all England +should be so addressed. Finally, all princes of the blood should +have free choice; join that regiment, get that great title, and +renounce the royal grant, or stay out and receive a grant. Neatest +touch of all: unborn but imminent princes of the blood could be +_born_ into the regiment, and start fair, with good wages and a +permanent situation, upon due notice from the parents. + +All the boys would join, I was sure of that; so, all existing +grants would be relinquished; that the newly born would always +join was equally certain. Within sixty days that quaint and +bizarre anomaly, the Royal Grant, would cease to be a living fact, +and take its place among the curiosities of the past. + + + +CHAPTER XXVI + +THE FIRST NEWSPAPER + +When I told the king I was going out disguised as a petty freeman +to scour the country and familiarize myself with the humbler life +of the people, he was all afire with the novelty of the thing +in a minute, and was bound to take a chance in the adventure +himself--nothing should stop him--he would drop everything and +go along--it was the prettiest idea he had run across for many +a day. He wanted to glide out the back way and start at once; +but I showed him that that wouldn't answer. You see, he was billed +for the king's-evil--to touch for it, I mean--and it wouldn't be +right to disappoint the house and it wouldn't make a delay worth +considering, anyway, it was only a one-night stand. And I thought +he ought to tell the queen he was going away. He clouded up at +that and looked sad. I was sorry I had spoken, especially when +he said mournfully: + +"Thou forgettest that Launcelot is here; and where Launcelot is, +she noteth not the going forth of the king, nor what day he returneth." + +Of course, I changed the Subject. Yes, Guenever was beautiful, +it is true, but take her all around she was pretty slack. I never +meddled in these matters, they weren't my affair, but I did hate +to see the way things were going on, and I don't mind saying that +much. Many's the time she had asked me, "Sir Boss, hast seen +Sir Launcelot about?" but if ever she went fretting around for +the king I didn't happen to be around at the time. + +There was a very good lay-out for the king's-evil business--very +tidy and creditable. The king sat under a canopy of state; about +him were clustered a large body of the clergy in full canonicals. +Conspicuous, both for location and personal outfit, stood Marinel, +a hermit of the quack-doctor species, to introduce the sick. All +abroad over the spacious floor, and clear down to the doors, +in a thick jumble, lay or sat the scrofulous, under a strong light. +It was as good as a tableau; in fact, it had all the look of being +gotten up for that, though it wasn't. There were eight hundred +sick people present. The work was slow; it lacked the interest +of novelty for me, because I had seen the ceremonies before; +the thing soon became tedious, but the proprieties required me +to stick it out. The doctor was there for the reason that in all +such crowds there were many people who only imagined something +was the matter with them, and many who were consciously sound +but wanted the immortal honor of fleshly contact with a king, and +yet others who pretended to illness in order to get the piece of +coin that went with the touch. Up to this time this coin had been +a wee little gold piece worth about a third of a dollar. When you +consider how much that amount of money would buy, in that age +and country, and how usual it was to be scrofulous, when not dead, +you would understand that the annual king's-evil appropriation was +just the River and Harbor bill of that government for the grip it +took on the treasury and the chance it afforded for skinning the +surplus. So I had privately concluded to touch the treasury itself +for the king's-evil. I covered six-sevenths of the appropriation +into the treasury a week before starting from Camelot on my +adventures, and ordered that the other seventh be inflated into +five-cent nickels and delivered into the hands of the head clerk +of the King's Evil Department; a nickel to take the place of each +gold coin, you see, and do its work for it. It might strain the +nickel some, but I judged it could stand it. As a rule, I do not +approve of watering stock, but I considered it square enough +in this case, for it was just a gift, anyway. Of course, you can +water a gift as much as you want to; and I generally do. The old +gold and silver coins of the country were of ancient and unknown +origin, as a rule, but some of them were Roman; they were ill-shapen, +and seldom rounder than a moon that is a week past the full; they +were hammered, not minted, and they were so worn with use that +the devices upon them were as illegible as blisters, and looked +like them. I judged that a sharp, bright new nickel, with a +first-rate likeness of the king on one side of it and Guenever +on the other, and a blooming pious motto, would take the tuck out +of scrofula as handy as a nobler coin and please the scrofulous +fancy more; and I was right. This batch was the first it was +tried on, and it worked to a charm. The saving in expense was +a notable economy. You will see that by these figures: We touched +a trifle over 700 of the 800 patients; at former rates, this would +have cost the government about $240; at the new rate we pulled +through for about $35, thus saving upward of $200 at one swoop. +To appreciate the full magnitude of this stroke, consider these +other figures: the annual expenses of a national government amount +to the equivalent of a contribution of three days' average wages of +every individual of the population, counting every individual as +if he were a man. If you take a nation of 60,000,000, where average +wages are $2 per day, three days' wages taken from each individual +will provide $360,000,000 and pay the government's expenses. In my +day, in my own country, this money was collected from imposts, +and the citizen imagined that the foreign importer paid it, and it +made him comfortable to think so; whereas, in fact, it was paid +by the American people, and was so equally and exactly distributed +among them that the annual cost to the 100-millionaire and the +annual cost to the sucking child of the day-laborer was precisely +the same--each paid $6. Nothing could be equaler than that, +I reckon. Well, Scotland and Ireland were tributary to Arthur, +and the united populations of the British Islands amounted to +something less than 1,000,000. A mechanic's average wage was +3 cents a day, when he paid his own keep. By this rule the national +government's expenses were $90,000 a year, or about $250 a day. +Thus, by the substitution of nickels for gold on a king's-evil +day, I not only injured no one, dissatisfied no one, but pleased +all concerned and saved four-fifths of that day's national expense +into the bargain--a saving which would have been the equivalent +of $800,000 in my day in America. In making this substitution +I had drawn upon the wisdom of a very remote source--the wisdom +of my boyhood--for the true statesman does not despise any wisdom, +howsoever lowly may be its origin: in my boyhood I had always +saved my pennies and contributed buttons to the foreign missionary +cause. The buttons would answer the ignorant savage as well as +the coin, the coin would answer me better than the buttons; all +hands were happy and nobody hurt. + +Marinel took the patients as they came. He examined the candidate; +if he couldn't qualify he was warned off; if he could he was passed +along to the king. A priest pronounced the words, "They shall +lay their hands on the sick, and they shall recover." Then the king +stroked the ulcers, while the reading continued; finally, the +patient graduated and got his nickel--the king hanging it around +his neck himself--and was dismissed. Would you think that that +would cure? It certainly did. Any mummery will cure if the +patient's faith is strong in it. Up by Astolat there was a chapel +where the Virgin had once appeared to a girl who used to herd +geese around there--the girl said so herself--and they built the +chapel upon that spot and hung a picture in it representing the +occurrence--a picture which you would think it dangerous for a sick +person to approach; whereas, on the contrary, thousands of the lame +and the sick came and prayed before it every year and went away +whole and sound; and even the well could look upon it and live. +Of course, when I was told these things I did not believe them; +but when I went there and saw them I had to succumb. I saw the +cures effected myself; and they were real cures and not questionable. +I saw cripples whom I had seen around Camelot for years on crutches, +arrive and pray before that picture, and put down their crutches +and walk off without a limp. There were piles of crutches there +which had been left by such people as a testimony. + +In other places people operated on a patient's mind, without saying +a word to him, and cured him. In others, experts assembled patients +in a room and prayed over them, and appealed to their faith, and +those patients went away cured. Wherever you find a king who can't +cure the king's-evil you can be sure that the most valuable +superstition that supports his throne--the subject's belief in +the divine appointment of his sovereign--has passed away. In my +youth the monarchs of England had ceased to touch for the evil, +but there was no occasion for this diffidence: they could have +cured it forty-nine times in fifty. + +Well, when the priest had been droning for three hours, and the +good king polishing the evidences, and the sick were still pressing +forward as plenty as ever, I got to feeling intolerably bored. +I was sitting by an open window not far from the canopy of state. +For the five hundredth time a patient stood forward to have his +repulsivenesses stroked; again those words were being droned out: +"they shall lay their hands on the sick"--when outside there rang +clear as a clarion a note that enchanted my soul and tumbled +thirteen worthless centuries about my ears: "Camelot _Weekly +Hosannah and Literary Volcano!_--latest irruption--only two cents +--all about the big miracle in the Valley of Holiness!" One greater +than kings had arrived--the newsboy. But I was the only person +in all that throng who knew the meaning of this mighty birth, and +what this imperial magician was come into the world to do. + +I dropped a nickel out of the window and got my paper; the +Adam-newsboy of the world went around the corner to get my change; +is around the corner yet. It was delicious to see a newspaper +again, yet I was conscious of a secret shock when my eye fell upon +the first batch of display head-lines. I had lived in a clammy +atmosphere of reverence, respect, deference, so long that they +sent a quivery little cold wave through me: + + + HIGH TIMES IN THE VALLEY + + OF HOLINESS! + + ---- + + THE WATER-WORKS CORKED! + + ---- + + BRER MERLIN WORKS HIS ARTS, BUT GETS + LEFT? + + ---- + + But the Boss scores on his first Innings! + + ---- + + The Miraculous Well Uncorked amid + awful outbursts of + + INFERNAL FIRE AND SMOKE + ATHUNDER! + + ---- + + THE BUZZARD-ROOST ASTONISHED! + + ---- + + UNPARALLELED REJOIBINGS! + + +--and so on, and so on. Yes, it was too loud. Once I could have +enjoyed it and seen nothing out of the way about it, but now its +note was discordant. It was good Arkansas journalism, but this +was not Arkansas. Moreover, the next to the last line was calculated +to give offense to the hermits, and perhaps lose us their advertising. +Indeed, there was too lightsome a tone of flippancy all through +the paper. It was plain I had undergone a considerable change +without noticing it. I found myself unpleasantly affected by +pert little irreverencies which would have seemed but proper and +airy graces of speech at an earlier period of my life. There was an +abundance of the following breed of items, and they discomforted me: + + LOCAL SMOKE AND CINDERS. + + Sir Launcelot met up with old King + Agrivance of Ireland unexpectedly last + weok over on the moor south of Sir + Balmoral le Merveilleuse's hog dasture. + The widow has been notified. + + Expedition No. 3 will start adout the + first of mext month on a search f8r Sir + Sagramour le Desirous. It is in com- + and of the renowned Knight of the Red + Lawns, assissted by Sir Persant of Inde, + who is compete9t. intelligent, courte- + ous, and in every way a brick, and fur- + tHer assisted by Sir Palamides the Sara- + cen, who is no huckleberry hinself. + This is no pic-nic, these boys mean + busine&s. + + The readers of the Hosannah will re- + gret to learn that the hadndsome and + popular Sir Charolais of Gaul, who dur- + ing his four weeks' stay at the Bull and + Halibut, this city, has won every heart + by his polished manners and elegant + cPnversation, will pUll out to-day for + home. Give us another call, Charley! + + The bdsiness end of the funeral of + the late Sir Dalliance the duke's son of + Cornwall, killed in an encounter with + the Giant of the Knotted Bludgeon last + Tuesday on the borders of the Plain of + Enchantment was in the hands of the + ever affable and efficient Mumble, + prince of un3ertakers, then whom there + exists none by whom it were a more + satisfying pleasure to have the last sad + offices performed. Give him a trial. + + The cordial thanks of the Hosannah + office are due, from editor down to + devil, to the ever courteous and thought- + ful Lord High Stew d of the Palace's + Third Assistant V t for several sau- + ceTs of ice crEam a quality calculated + to make the ey of the recipients hu- + mid with grt ude; and it done it. + When this administration wants to + chalk up a desirable name for early + promotion, the Hosannah would like a + chance to sudgest. + + The Demoiselle Irene Dewlap, of + South Astolat, is visiting her uncle, the + popular host of the Cattlemen's Board- + ing Ho&se, Liver Lane, this city. + + Young Barker the bellows-mender is + hoMe again, and looks much improved + by his vacation round-up among the out- + lying smithies. See his ad. + +Of course it was good enough journalism for a beginning; I knew +that quite well, and yet it was somehow disappointing. The +"Court Circular" pleased me better; indeed, its simple and dignified +respectfulness was a distinct refreshment to me after all those +disgraceful familiarities. But even it could have been improved. +Do what one may, there is no getting an air of variety into a court +circular, I acknowledge that. There is a profound monotonousness +about its facts that baffles and defeats one's sincerest efforts +to make them sparkle and enthuse. The best way to manage--in fact, +the only sensible way--is to disguise repetitiousness of fact under +variety of form: skin your fact each time and lay on a new cuticle +of words. It deceives the eye; you think it is a new fact; it +gives you the idea that the court is carrying on like everything; +this excites you, and you drain the whole column, with a good +appetite, and perhaps never notice that it's a barrel of soup made +out of a single bean. Clarence's way was good, it was simple, +it was dignified, it was direct and business-like; all I say is, +it was not the best way: + + COURT CIRCULAR. + + On Monday, the king rode in the park. + " Tuesday, " " " + " Wendesday " " " + " Thursday " " " + " Friday, " " " + " Saturday " " " + " Sunday, " " " + + +However, take the paper by and large, I was vastly pleased with it. +Little crudities of a mechanical sort were observable here and +there, but there were not enough of them to amount to anything, +and it was good enough Arkansas proof-reading, anyhow, and better +than was needed in Arthur's day and realm. As a rule, the grammar +was leaky and the construction more or less lame; but I did not +much mind these things. They are common defects of my own, and +one mustn't criticise other people on grounds where he can't stand +perpendicular himself. + +I was hungry enough for literature to want to take down the whole +paper at this one meal, but I got only a few bites, and then had +to postpone, because the monks around me besieged me so with eager +questions: What is this curious thing? What is it for? Is it a +handkerchief?--saddle blanket?--part of a shirt? What is it made of? +How thin it is, and how dainty and frail; and how it rattles. +Will it wear, do you think, and won't the rain injure it? Is it +writing that appears on it, or is it only ornamentation? They +suspected it was writing, because those among them who knew how +to read Latin and had a smattering of Greek, recognized some of +the letters, but they could make nothing out of the result as a +whole. I put my information in the simplest form I could: + +"It is a public journal; I will explain what that is, another time. +It is not cloth, it is made of paper; some time I will explain +what paper is. The lines on it are reading matter; and not written +by hand, but printed; by and by I will explain what printing is. +A thousand of these sheets have been made, all exactly like this, +in every minute detail--they can't be told apart." Then they all +broke out with exclamations of surprise and admiration: + +"A thousand! Verily a mighty work--a year's work for many men." + +"No--merely a day's work for a man and a boy." + +They crossed themselves, and whiffed out a protective prayer or two. + +"Ah-h--a miracle, a wonder! Dark work of enchantment." + +I let it go at that. Then I read in a low voice, to as many as +could crowd their shaven heads within hearing distance, part of +the account of the miracle of the restoration of the well, and +was accompanied by astonished and reverent ejaculations all through: +"Ah-h-h!" "How true!" "Amazing, amazing!" "These be the very +haps as they happened, in marvelous exactness!" And might they +take this strange thing in their hands, and feel of it and examine +it?--they would be very careful. Yes. So they took it, handling +it as cautiously and devoutly as if it had been some holy thing +come from some supernatural region; and gently felt of its texture, +caressed its pleasant smooth surface with lingering touch, and +scanned the mysterious characters with fascinated eyes. These +grouped bent heads, these charmed faces, these speaking eyes +--how beautiful to me! For was not this my darling, and was not +all this mute wonder and interest and homage a most eloquent +tribute and unforced compliment to it? I knew, then, how a mother +feels when women, whether strangers or friends, take her new baby, +and close themselves about it with one eager impulse, and bend +their heads over it in a tranced adoration that makes all the rest +of the universe vanish out of their consciousness and be as if it +were not, for that time. I knew how she feels, and that there is +no other satisfied ambition, whether of king, conqueror, or poet, +that ever reaches half-way to that serene far summit or yields half +so divine a contentment. + +During all the rest of the seance my paper traveled from group to +group all up and down and about that huge hall, and my happy eye +was upon it always, and I sat motionless, steeped in satisfaction, +drunk with enjoyment. Yes, this was heaven; I was tasting it once, +if I might never taste it more. + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's +Court, Part 5., by Mark Twain (Samuel Clemens) + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK CONNECTICUT YANKEE *** + +***** This file should be named 7246.txt or 7246.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/7/2/4/7246/ + +Produced by David Widger + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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