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diff --git a/old/7180-h.htm.2021-01-26 b/old/7180-h.htm.2021-01-26 new file mode 100644 index 0000000..8668fe2 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/7180-h.htm.2021-01-26 @@ -0,0 +1,13089 @@ +<?xml version="1.0" encoding="utf-8"?> + +<!DOCTYPE html + PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Strict//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-strict.dtd" > + +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml" lang="en"> + <head> + <title> + Handy Andy, by Samuel Lover + </title> + <style type="text/css" xml:space="preserve"> + + body { margin:5%; text-align:justify} + P { text-indent: 1em; margin-top: .25em; margin-bottom: .25em; } + H1,H2,H3,H4,H5,H6 { text-align: center; margin-left: 15%; margin-right: 15%; } + hr { width: 50%; text-align: center;} + .foot { margin-left: 20%; margin-right: 20%; text-align: justify; text-indent: -3em; font-size: 90%; } + blockquote {font-size: 97%; font-style: italic; margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + .mynote {background-color: #DDE; color: #000; padding: .5em; margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-family: sans-serif; font-size: 95%;} + .toc { margin-left: 10%; margin-bottom: .75em;} + .toc2 { margin-left: 20%;} + div.fig { display:block; margin:0 auto; text-align:center; } + div.middle { margin-left: 20%; margin-right: 20%; text-align: justify; } + .figleft {float: left; margin-left: 0%; margin-right: 1%;} + .figright {float: right; margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 1%;} + .pagenum {display:inline; font-size: 70%; font-style:normal; + margin: 0; padding: 0; position: absolute; right: 1%; + text-align: right;} + .side { float: right; font-size: 75%; width: 25%; padding-left: 0.8em; + border-left: dashed thin; margin-left: 0.8em; text-align: left; + text-indent: 0; font-weight: bold; font-style: italic; + font-weight: bold; color: black; background: #eeeeee; border: solid 1px;} + pre { font-style: italic; font-size: 90%; margin-left: 10%;} + +</style> + </head> + <body> + + +<pre> + +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Handy Andy, Volume 2 (of 2), by Samuel Lover + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Handy Andy, Volume 2 (of 2) + A Tale of Irish Life + +Author: Samuel Lover + + +Release Date: December, 2004 [EBook #7180] +This file was first posted on March 22, 2003 +Last Updated: March 16, 2018 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: UTF-8 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK HANDY ANDY, VOLUME 2 (OF 2) *** + + + + +Text file produced by Charles Franks and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team + +HTML file produced by David Widger + + + +</pre> + + <div style="height: 8em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h1> + HANDY ANDY + </h1> + <h1> + A Tale of Irish Life + </h1> + <h2> + By Samuel Lover + </h2> + <h4> + In Two Volumes—Volume Two <br /> The Collected Writings Of Samuel + Lover (V. 4) + </h4> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0001" id="linkimage-0001"></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:80%"> + <img alt="frontispiece (176K)" src="images/frontispiece.jpg" width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <p> + <b>CONTENTS</b> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_LIST"> LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS VOLUME TWO </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0001"> CHAPTER XXII </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0002"> CHAPTER XXIII </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0003"> CHAPTER XXIV </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0004"> CHAPTER XXV </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0005"> CHAPTER XXVI </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0006"> CHAPTER XXVII </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0007"> CHAPTER XXVIII </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0008"> CHAPTER XXIX </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0009"> CHAPTER XXX </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0010"> CHAPTER XXXI </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0011"> CHAPTER XXXII </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0012"> CHAPTER XXXIII </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0013"> CHAPTER XXXIV </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0014"> CHAPTER XXXV </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0015"> CHAPTER XXXVI </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0016"> CHAPTER XXXVII </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0017"> CHAPTER XXXVIII </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0018"> CHAPTER XXXIX </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0019"> CHAPTER XL </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0020"> CHAPTER XLI </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0021"> CHAPTER XLII </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0022"> CHAPTER XLIII </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0023"> CHAPTER XLIV </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0024"> CHAPTER XLV </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0025"> CHAPTER XLVI </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0026"> CHAPTER XLVII </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0027"> CHAPTER XLVIII </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0028"> CHAPTER XLIX </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0029"> CHAPTER L </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0030"> CHAPTER LI </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0031"> CHAPTER THE LAST </a> + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_LIST" id="link2H_LIST"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <p> + <b>List of Illustrations</b> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0001"> Tom Organ Loftus' Coldairian System </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0003"> Andy's Cooking Extraordinary </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0005"> The Abduction </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0006"> A Crack Shot </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0007"> The Challenge </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0008"> The Party at Killarney </a> + </p> + <p> + <i>Etched by W. H. W. Bicknell from drawings by Samuel Lover</i> + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /><br /> <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0001" id="link2HCH0001"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXII + </h2> + <p> + The night was pitch dark, and on rounding the adjacent corner no vehicle + could be seen; but a peculiar whistle from Dick was answered by the sound + of approaching wheels and the rapid footfalls of a horse, mingled with the + light rattle of a smart gig. On the vehicle coming up, Dick took his + little mare, that was blacker than the night, by the head, the apron of + the gig was thrown down, and out jumped a smart servant-boy. + </p> + <p> + “You have the horse ready, too, Billy?” + </p> + <p> + “Yis, sir,” said Billy, touching his hat. + </p> + <p> + “Then follow, and keep up with me, remember.” + </p> + <p> + “Yis, sir.” + </p> + <p> + “Come to her head, here,” and he patted the little mare's neck as he spoke + with a caressing “whoa,” which was answered by a low neigh of + satisfaction, while the impatient pawing of her fore foot showed the + animal's desire to start. “What an impatient little devil she is,” said + Dick, as he mounted the gig; “I'll get in first, Murphy, as I'm going to + drive. Now up with you—hook on the apron—that's it—are + you all right?” + </p> + <p> + “Quite,” said Murphy. + </p> + <p> + “Then you be into your saddle and after us, Billy,” said Dick; “and now + let her go.” + </p> + <p> + Billy gave the little black mare her head, and away she went, at a + slapping pace, the fire from the road answering the rapid strokes of her + nimble feet. The servant then mounted a horse which was tied to a + neighbouring palisade, and had to gallop for it to come up with his + master, who was driving with a swiftness almost fearful, considering the + darkness of the night and the narrowness of the road he had to traverse, + for he was making the best of his course by cross-ways to an adjacent + roadside inn, where some non-resident electors were expected to arrive + that night by a coach from Dublin; for the county town had every nook and + cranny occupied, and this inn was the nearest point where they could get + any accommodation. + </p> + <p> + Now don't suppose that they were electors whom Murphy and Dick in their + zeal for their party were going over to greet with hearty welcomes and + bring up to the poll the next day. By no means. They were the friends of + the opposite party, and it was with the design of retarding their + movements that this night's excursion was undertaken. These electors were + a batch of plain citizens from Dublin, whom the Scatterbrain interest had + induced to leave the peace and quiet of the city to tempt the wilds of the + country at that wildest of times—during a contested election; and a + night coach was freighted inside and out with the worthy cits, whose + aggregate voices would be of immense importance the next day; for the + contest was close, the county nearly polled out, and but two days more for + the struggle. Now, to intercept these plain unsuspecting men was the + object of Murphy, whose well-supplied information had discovered to him + this plan of the enemy, which he set about countermining. As they rattled + over the rough by-roads, many a laugh did the merry attorney and the + untameable Dick the Devil exchange, as the probable success of their + scheme was canvassed, and fresh expedients devised to meet the possible + impediments which might interrupt them. As they topped a hill Murphy + pointed out to his companion a moving light in the plain beneath. + </p> + <p> + “That's the coach, Dick—there are the lamps, we're just in time—spin + down the hill, my boy—let me get in as they're at supper, and 'faith + they'll want it, after coming off a coach such a night as this, to say + nothing of some of them being aldermen in expectancy perhaps, and of + course obliged to play trencher-men as often as they can, as a requisite + rehearsal for the parts they must hereafter fill.” + </p> + <p> + In fifteen minutes more Dick pulled up before a small cabin within a + quarter of a mile of the inn, and the mounted servant tapped at the door, + which was immediately opened, and a peasant, advancing to the gig, + returned the civil salutation with which Dick greeted his approach. + </p> + <p> + “I wanted to be sure you were ready, Barny.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, do you think I'd fail you, Misther Dick, your honour?” + </p> + <p> + “I thought you might be asleep, Barny.” + </p> + <p> + “Not when you bid me wake, sir; and there's a nice fire ready for you, and + as fine a dhrop o' <i>potteen</i> as ever tickled your tongue, sir.” + </p> + <p> + “You're the lad, Barny!—good fellow—I'll be back with you + by-and-by;” and off whipped Dick again. + </p> + <p> + After going about a quarter of a mile further, he pulled up, alighted with + Murphy from the gig, unharnessed the little black mare, and then + overturned the gig into the ditch. + </p> + <p> + “That's as natural as life,” said Dick. + </p> + <p> + “What an escape of my neck I've had!” said Murphy. + </p> + <p> + “Are you much hurt?” said Dick. + </p> + <p> + “A trifle lame only,” said Murphy, laughing and limping. + </p> + <p> + “There was a great <i>boccagh</i> [Footnote: Lame beggar.] lost in you, + Murphy. Wait; let me rub a handful of mud on your face—there—you + have a very upset look, 'pon my soul,” said Dick, as he flashed the light + of his lantern on him for a moment, and laughed at Murphy scooping the mud + out of his eye, where Dick had purposely planted it. + </p> + <p> + “Devil take you,” said Murtough; “that's too natural.” + </p> + <p> + “There's nothing like looking your part,” said Dick. + </p> + <p> + “Well, I may as well complete my attire,” said Murtough, so he lay down in + the road and took a roll in the mud; “that will do,” said he; “and now, + Dick, go back to Barny and the mountain dew, while I storm the camp of the + Philistines. I think in a couple of hours you may be on the look-out for + me; I'll signal you from the window, so now good bye;” and Murphy, leading + the mare, proceeded to the inn, while Dick, with a parting “Luck to you, + my boy,” turned back to the cottage of Barny. + </p> + <p> + The coach had set down six inside and ten out passengers (all voters) + about ten minutes before Murphy marched up to the inn door, leading the + black mare, and calling “ostler” most lustily. His call being answered for + “the beast,” “the man” next demanded attention; and the landlord wondered + all the wonders he could cram into a short speech, at seeing Misther + Murphy, sure, at such a time; and the sonsy landlady, too, was all + lamentations for his illigant coat and his poor eye, sure, all ruined with + the mud:—and what was it at all? an upset, was it? oh, wirra! and + wasn't it lucky he wasn't killed, and they without a spare bed to lay him + out dacent if he was—sure, wouldn't it be horrid for his body to be + only on sthraw in the barn, instead of the best feather-bed in the house; + and, indeed, he'd be welcome to it, only the gintlemen from town had them + all engaged. + </p> + <p> + “Well, dead or alive, I must stay here to-night, Mrs. Kelly, at all + events.” + </p> + <p> + “And what will you do for a bed?” + </p> + <p> + “A shake down in the parlour, or a stretch on a sofa, will do; my gig is + stuck fast in a ditch—my mare tired—ten miles from home—cold + night, and my knee hurt.” Murphy limped as he spoke. + </p> + <p> + “Oh! your poor knee,” said Mrs. Kelly; “I'll put a dhrop o' whisky and + brown paper on it, sure—” + </p> + <p> + “And what gentlemen are these, Mrs. Kelly, who have so filled your house?” + </p> + <p> + “Gintlemen that came by the coach a while agone, and supping in the + parlour now, sure.” + </p> + <p> + “Would you give my compliments, and ask would they allow me, under the + present peculiar circumstances, to join them? and in the meantime, send + somebody down the road to take the cushions out of my gig; for there is no + use in attempting to get the gig out till morning.” + </p> + <p> + “Sartinly, Misther Murphy, we'll send for the cushions; but as for the + gentlemen, they are all on the other side.” + </p> + <p> + “What other side?” + </p> + <p> + “The Honourable's voters, sure.” + </p> + <p> + “Pooh! is that all?” said Murphy,—“I don't mind that, I've no + objection on that account; besides, <i>they</i> need not know who <i>I</i> + am,” and he gave the landlord a knowing wink, to which the landlord as + knowingly returned another. + </p> + <p> + The message to the gentlemen was delivered, and Murphy was immediately + requested to join their party; this was all he wanted, and he played off + his powers of diversion on the innocent citizens so successfully, that + before supper was half over they thought themselves in luck to have fallen + in with such a chance acquaintance. Murphy fired away jokes, repartees, + anecdotes, and country gossip, to their delight; and when the eatables + were disposed of, he started them on the punch-drinking tack afterwards so + cleverly, that he hoped to see three parts of them tipsy before they + retired to rest. + </p> + <p> + “Do you feel your knee better now, sir?” asked one of the party, of + Murphy. + </p> + <p> + “Considerably, thank you; whisky punch, sir, is about the best cure for + bruises or dislocations a man can take.” + </p> + <p> + “I doubt that, sir,” said a little matter-of-fact man, who had now + interposed his reasonable doubts for the twentieth time during Murphy's + various extravagant declarations, and the interruption only made Murphy + romance the more. + </p> + <p> + “<i>You</i> speak of your fiery <i>Dublin</i> stuff, sir; but our country + whisky is as mild as milk, and far more wholesome; then, sir, our fine air + alone would cure half the complaints without a grain of physic.” + </p> + <p> + “I doubt that, sir!” said the little man. + </p> + <p> + “I assure you, sir, a friend of my own from town came down here last + spring on crutches, and from merely following a light whisky diet and + sleeping with his window open, he was able to dance at the race ball in a + fortnight; as for this knee of mine, it's a trifle, though it was a bad + upset too.” + </p> + <p> + “How did it happen, sir? Was it your horse—or your harness—or + your gig—or—” + </p> + <p> + “None o' them, sir; it was a <i>Banshee</i>.” + </p> + <p> + “A Banshee!” said the little man; “what's that?” + </p> + <p> + “A peculiar sort of supernatural creature that is common here, sir. She + was squatted down on one side of the road, and my mare shied at her, and + being a spirited little thing, she attempted to jump the ditch and missed + it in the dark.” + </p> + <p> + “Jump a ditch, with a gig after her, sir?” said the little man. + </p> + <p> + “Oh, common enough to do that here, sir; she'd have done it easy in the + daylight, but she could not measure her distance in the dark, and bang she + went into the ditch: but it's a trifle, after all. I am generally run over + four or five times a year.” + </p> + <p> + “And you alive to tell it!” said the little man, incredulously. + </p> + <p> + “It's hard to kill us here, sir, we are used to accidents.” + </p> + <p> + “Well, the worst accident I ever heard of,” said one of the citizens, + “happened to a friend of mine, who went to visit a friend of his on a + Sunday, and all the family happened to be at church; so on driving into + the yard there was no one to take his horse, therefore he undertook the + office of ostler himself, but being unused to the duty, he most + incautiously took off the horse's bridle before unyoking him from his gig, + and the animal, making a furious plunge forward—my friend being + before him at the time—the shaft of the gig was driven through his + body, and into the coach-house gate behind him, and stuck so fast that the + horse could not drag it out after; and in this dreadful situation they + remained until the family returned from church, and saw the awful + occurrence. A servant was despatched for a doctor, and the shaft was + disengaged, and drawn out of the man's body—just at the pit of the + stomach; he was laid on a bed, and every one thought of course he must die + at once, but he didn't; and the doctor came next day, and he wasn't dead—did + what he could for him—and, to make a long story short, sir, the man + recovered.” + </p> + <p> + “Pooh! pooh!” said the diminutive doubter. + </p> + <p> + “It's true,” said the narrator. + </p> + <p> + “I make no doubt of it, sir,” said Murphy; “I know a more extraordinary + case of recovery myself.” + </p> + <p> + “I beg your pardon, sir,” said the cit; “I have not finished my story yet, + for the most extraordinary part of the story remains to be told; my + friend, sir, was a very sickly man before the accident happened—a <i>very</i> + sickly man, and after that accident he became a hale healthy man. What do + you think of that, sir?” + </p> + <p> + “It does not surprise me in the least, sir,” said Murphy; “I can account + for it readily.” + </p> + <p> + “Well, sir, I never heard It accounted for, though I know it to be true; I + should like to hear how you account for it?” + </p> + <p> + “Very simply, sir,” said Murphy; “don't you perceive the man discovered a + <i>mine</i> of health by a <i>shaft</i> being sunk in the <i>pit</i> of + his stomach?” + </p> + <p> + Murphy's punning solution of the cause of cure was merrily received by the + company, whose critical taste was not of that affected nature which + despises <i>jeu de mots</i>, and <i>will not</i> be satisfied under a <i>jeu + d'esprit</i>; the little doubting man alone refused to be pleased. + </p> + <p> + “I doubt the value of a pun always, sir. Dr. Johnson said, sir—” + </p> + <p> + “I know,” said Murphy; “that the man who would make a pun would pick a + pocket; that's old, sir,—but is dearly remembered by all those who + cannot make puns themselves.” + </p> + <p> + “Exactly,” said one of the party they called Wiggins. “It is the old story + of the fox and the grapes. Did you ever hear, sir, the story of the fox + and the grapes? The fox one day was—” + </p> + <p> + “Yes, yes,” said Murphy, who, fond of absurdity as he was, could <i>not</i> + stand the fox and the grapes by way of something new. + </p> + <p> + “They're sour, said the fox.” + </p> + <p> + “Yes,” said Murphy, “a capital story.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, them fables is so good!” said Wiggins. + </p> + <p> + “All nonsense!” said the diminutive contradictor. + </p> + <p> + “Nonsense, nothing but nonsense; the ridiculous stuff of birds and beasts + speaking! As if any one could believe such stuff.” + </p> + <p> + “I do—firmly—for one,” said Murphy. + </p> + <p> + “You do?” said the little man. + </p> + <p> + “I do—and do you know why?” + </p> + <p> + “I cannot indeed conceive,” said the little man, with a bitter grin. + </p> + <p> + “It is, sir, because I myself know a case that occurred in this very + country of a similar nature.” + </p> + <p> + “Do you want to make me believe you knew a fox that spoke, sir?” said the + mannikin, almost rising into anger. + </p> + <p> + “Many, sir,” said Murphy, “many.” + </p> + <p> + “Well! after that!” said the little man. + </p> + <p> + “But the case I immediately allude to is not of a fox, but a cat,” said + Murphy. + </p> + <p> + “A cat? Oh, yes—to be sure—a cat speak, indeed!” said the + little gentleman. + </p> + <p> + “It is a fact, sir,” said Murphy; “and if the company would not object to + my relating the story, I will state the particulars.” + </p> + <p> + The proposal was received with acclamation; and Murphy, in great enjoyment + of the little man's annoyance, cleared his throat, and made all the + preparatory demonstrations of a regular <i>raconteur</i>; but, before he + began, he recommended the gentlemen to mix fresh tumblers all round that + they might have nothing to do but listen and drink silently. “For of all + things in the world,” said Murtough, “I hate a song or a story to be + interrupted by the rattle of spoons.” + </p> + <p> + They obeyed; and while they are mixing their punch, we will just turn over + a fresh page, and devote a new Chapter to the following + </p> + <h3> + MARVELLOUS LEGEND + </h3> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0002" id="link2HCH0002"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXIII + </h2> + <h3> + MURTOUGH MURPHY'S STORY; BEING YE MARVELLOUS LEGEND OF TOM CONNOR'S CAT + </h3> + <p> + “There was a man in these parts, sir, you must know, called Tom Connor, + and he had a cat that was equal to any dozen of rat-traps, and he was + proud of the baste, and with rayson; for she was worth her weight in goold + to him in saving his sacks of meal from the thievery of the rats and mice; + for Tom was an extensive dealer in corn, and influenced the rise and fall + of that article in the market, to the extent of a full dozen of sacks at a + time, which he either kept or sold, as the spirit of free trade or + monopoly came over him. Indeed, at one time, Tom had serious thoughts of + applying to the government for a military force to protect his granary + when there was a threatened famine in the county.” + </p> + <p> + “Pooh! pooh! sir,” said the matter-of-fact little man: “as if a dozen + sacks could be of the smallest consequence in a whole county—pooh! + pooh!” + </p> + <p> + “Well, sir,” said Murphy, “I can't help if you don't believe; but it's + truth what I am telling you, and pray don't interrupt me, though you may + not believe; by the time the story's done you'll have heard more wonderful + things than <i>that</i>,—and besides, remember you're a stranger in + these parts, and have no notion of the extraordinary things, physical, + metaphysical, and magical, which constitute the idiosyncrasy of rural + destiny.” + </p> + <p> + The little man did not know the meaning of Murphy's last sentence—nor + Murphy either; but, having stopped the little man's throat with big words, + he proceeded— + </p> + <p> + “This cat, sir, you must know, was a great pet, and was so up to + everything, that Tom swore she was a'most like a Christian, only she + couldn't speak, and had so sensible a look in her eyes, that he was sartin + sure the cat knew every word that was said to her. Well, she used to sit + by him at breakfast every morning, and the eloquent cock of her tail, as + she used to rub against his leg, said, 'Give me some milk, Tom Connor,' as + plain as print, and the plenitude of her purr afterwards spoke a gratitude + beyond language. Well, one morning, Tom was going to the neighbouring town + to market, and he had promised the wife to bring home shoes to the + childre' out o' the price of the corn; and sure enough, before he sat down + to breakfast, there was Tom taking the measure of the children's feet, by + cutting notches on a bit of stick; and the wife gave him so many cautions + about getting a 'nate fit' for 'Billy's purty feet,' that Tom, in his + anxiety to nick the closest possible measure, cut off the child's toe. + That disturbed the harmony of the party, and Tom was obliged to breakfast + alone, while the mother was endeavouring to cure Billy; in short, trying + to make a <i>heal</i> of his <i>toe</i>. Well, sir, all the time Tom was + taking measure for the shoes, the cat was observing him with that luminous + peculiarity of eye for which her tribe is remarkable; and when Tom sat + down to breakfast the cat rubbed up against him more vigorously than + usual; but Tom, being bewildered between his expected gain in corn and the + positive loss of his child's toe, kept never minding her, until the cat, + with a sort of caterwauling growl, gave Tom a dab of her claws, that went + clean through his leathers, and a little further. 'Wow!' says Tom, with a + jump, clapping his hand on the part, and rubbing it, 'by this and that, + you drew the blood out o' me,' says Tom; 'you wicked divil—tish!—go + along!' says he, making a kick at her. With that the cat gave a + reproachful look at him, and her eyes glared just like a pair of + mail-coach lamps in a fog. With that, sir, the cat, with a mysterious <i>'mi-ow''</i> + fixed a most penetrating glance on Tom, and distinctly uttered his name. + </p> + <p> + “Tom felt every hair on his head as stiff as a pump-handle; and scarcely + crediting his ears, he returned a searching look at the cat, who very + quietly proceeded in a sort of nasal twang— + </p> + <p> + “'Tom Connor,' says she. + </p> + <p> + “'The Lord be good to me!' says Tom, 'if it isn't spakin' she is!' + </p> + <p> + “'Tom Connor,' says she again. + </p> + <p> + “'Yes, ma'am,' says Tom. + </p> + <p> + “'Come here,' says she; 'whisper—I want to talk to you, Tom,' says + she, 'the laste taste in private,' says she—rising on her hams, and + beckoning him with her paw out o' the door, with a wink and a toss o' the + head aiqual to a milliner. + </p> + <p> + “Well, as you may suppose, Tom didn't know whether he was on his head or + his heels, but he followed the cat, and off she went and squatted herself + under the edge of a little paddock at the back of Tom's house; and as he + came round the corner, she held up her paw again, and laid it on her + mouth, as much as to say, 'Be cautious, Tom.' Well, divil a word Tom could + say at all, with the fright, so up he goes to the cat, and says she— + </p> + <p> + “'Tom,' says she, 'I have a great respect for you, and there's something I + must tell you, becase you're losing character with your neighbours,' says + she, 'by your goin's on,' says she, 'and it's out o' the respect that I + have for you, that I must tell you,' says she. + </p> + <p> + “'Thank you, ma'am,' says Tom. + </p> + <p> + “'You're goin' off to the town,' says she, 'to buy shoes for the + childre',' says she, 'and never thought o' gettin' me a pair.' + </p> + <p> + “'You!' says Tom.” + </p> + <p> + “'Yis, me, Tom Connor,' says she; 'and the neighbours wondhers that a + respectable man like you allows your cat to go about the counthry + barefutted,' says she.” + </p> + <p> + “'Is it a cat to ware shoes?' says Tom.” + </p> + <p> + “'Why not?' says she; 'doesn't horses ware shoes?—and I have a + prettier foot than a horse, I hope,' says she, with a toss of her head.” + </p> + <p> + “'Faix, she spakes like a woman; so proud of her feet,' says Tom to + himself, astonished, as you may suppose, but pretending never to think it + remarkable all the time; and so he went on discoursin'; and says he, 'It's + thrue for you, ma'am,' says he, 'that horses wares shoes—but that + stands to rayson, ma'am, you see—seeing the hardship their feet has + to go through on the hard roads.'” + </p> + <p> + “'And how do you know what hardship my feet has to go through?' says the + cat, mighty sharp.” + </p> + <p> + “'But, ma'am,' says Tom, 'I don't well see how you could fasten a shoe on + you,' says he.” + </p> + <p> + “'Lave that to me,' says the cat.” + </p> + <p> + “'Did any one ever stick walnut shells on you, pussy?' says Tom, with a + grin.” + </p> + <p> + “'Don't be disrespectful, Tom Connor,' says the cat, with a frown.” + </p> + <p> + “'I ax your pard'n, ma'am,' says he, 'but as for the horses you wor + spakin' about wearin' shoes, you know their shoes is fastened on with + nails, and how would your shoes be fastened on?'” + </p> + <p> + “'Ah, you stupid thief!' says she, 'haven't I illigant nails o' my own?' + and with that she gave him a dab of her claw, that made him roar.” + </p> + <p> + “'Ow! murdher!' says he.” + </p> + <p> + “'Now, no more of your palaver, Misther Connor,' says the cat; 'just be + off and get me the shoes.'” + </p> + <p> + “'Tare an' ouns!' says Tom, 'what'll become o' me if I'm to get shoes for + my cats?' says he, 'for you increase your family four times a year, and + you have six or seven every time,' says he; 'and then you must all have + two pair a piece—wirra! wirra!—I'll be ruined in + shoe-leather,' says Tom. + </p> + <p> + “'No more o' your stuff,' says the cat; 'don't be stand in' here undher + the hedge talkin', or we'll lose our karacthers—for I've remarked + your wife is jealous, Tom.' + </p> + <p> + “'Pon my sowl, that's thrue,' says Tom, with a smirk. + </p> + <p> + “'More fool she,' says the cat, 'for, 'pon my conscience, Tom, you're as + ugly as if you wor bespoke.' + </p> + <p> + “Off ran the cat with these words, leaving Tom in amazement. He said + nothing to the family, for fear of fright'ning them, and off he went to + the <i>town</i> as he <i>pretended</i>—for he saw the cat watching + him through a hole in the hedge; but when he came to a turn at the end of + the road, the dickings a mind he minded the market, good or bad, but went + off to Squire Botherum's, the magisthrit, to sware examinations agen the + cat.” + </p> + <p> + “Pooh! pooh!—nonsense!!” broke in the little man, who had listened + thus far to Murtough with an expression of mingled wonder and contempt, + while the rest of the party willingly gave up the reins to nonsense, and + enjoyed Murtough's Legend and their companion's more absurd common sense. + </p> + <p> + “Don't interrupt him, Goggins,” said Mister Wiggins. + </p> + <p> + “How can you listen to such nonsense?” returned Goggins. “Swear + examinations against a cat, indeed! pooh! pooh!” + </p> + <p> + “My dear sir,” said Murtough, “remember this is a fair story, and that the + country all around here is full of enchantment. As I was telling you, Tom + went off to swear examinations.” + </p> + <p> + “Ay, ay!” shouted all but Goggins; “go on with the story.” + </p> + <p> + “And when Tom was asked to relate the events of the morning, which brought + him before Squire Botherum, his brain was so bewildered between his corn, + and his cat, and his child's toe, that he made a very confused account of + it. + </p> + <p> + “'Begin your story from the beginning,' said the magistrate to Tom. + </p> + <p> + “'Well, your honour,' says Tom, 'I was goin' to market this mornin', to + sell the child's corn—I beg your pard'n—my own toes, I mane, + sir.' + </p> + <p> + “'Sell your toes!' said the Squire. + </p> + <p> + “'No, sir, takin' the cat to market, I mane—' + </p> + <p> + “'Take a cat to market!' said the Squire. 'You're drunk, man.' + </p> + <p> + “'No, your honour, only confused a little; for when the toes began to + spake to me—the cat, I mane—I was bothered clane—' + </p> + <p> + “'The cat speak to you!' said the Squire. 'Phew! worse than before—you're + drunk, Tom.' + </p> + <p> + “'No, your honour; it's on the strength of the cat I come to spake to you—' + </p> + <p> + “'I think it's on the strength of a pint of whisky, Tom—' + </p> + <p> + “'By the vartue o' my oath, your honour, it's nothin' but the cat.' And so + Tom then told him all about the affair, and the Squire was regularly + astonished. Just then the bishop of the diocese and the priest of the + parish happened to call in, and heard the story; and the bishop and the + priest had a tough argument for two hours on the subject; the former + swearing she must be a witch; but the priest denying <i>that</i>, and + maintaining she was <i>only</i> enchanted; and that part of the argument + was afterwards referred to the primate, and subsequently to the conclave + at Rome; but the Pope declined interfering about cats, saying he had quite + enough to do minding his own bulls. + </p> + <p> + “'In the meantime, what are we to do with the cat?' says Botherum. + </p> + <p> + “'Burn her,' says the bishop, 'she's a witch.' + </p> + <p> + “<i>Only</i> enchanted,' said the priest—'and the ecclesiastical + court maintains that—' + </p> + <p> + “'Bother the ecclesiastical court!' said the magistrate; 'I can only + proceed on the statutes;' and with that he pulled down all the law-books + in his library, and hunted the laws from Queen Elizabeth down, and he + found that they made laws against everything in Ireland, <i>except a cat</i>. + The devil a thing escaped them but a cat, which did <i>not</i> come within + the meaning of any act of parliament:—<i>the cats only had escaped</i>. + </p> + <p> + “'There's the alien act, to be sure,' said the magistrate, 'and perhaps + she's a French spy, in disguise.' + </p> + <p> + “'She spakes like a French spy, sure enough,' says Tom; 'and she was + missin', I remember, all last Spy-Wednesday.' + </p> + <p> + “'That's suspicious,' says the squire—'but conviction might be + difficult; and I have a fresh idea,' says Botherum. + </p> + <p> + “''Faith, it won't keep fresh long, this hot weather,' says Tom; 'so your + honour had betther make use of it at wanst.' + </p> + <p> + “'Right,' says Botherum,—'we'll make her subject to the game laws; + we'll hunt her,' says he. + </p> + <p> + “'Ow!—elegant!' says Tom;—'we'll have a brave run out of her.' + </p> + <p> + “'Meet me at the cross roads,' says the Squire, 'in the morning, and I'll + have the hounds ready.' + </p> + <p> + “'Well, off Tom went home; and he was racking his brain what excuse he + could make to the cat for not bringing the shoes; and at last he hit one + off, just as he saw her cantering up to him, half-a-mile before he got + home. + </p> + <p> + “'Where's the shoes, Tom?' says she. + </p> + <p> + “'I have not got them to-day, ma'am,' says he. + </p> + <p> + “'Is that the way you keep your promise, Tom?' says she;—'I'll tell + you what it is, Tom—I'll tare the eyes out o' the childre' if you + don't get me shoes.' + </p> + <p> + “'Whisht! whisht!' says Tom, frightened out of his life for his children's + eyes. 'Don't be in a passion, pussy. The shoemaker said he had not a shoe + in his shop, nor a last that would make one to fit you; and he says, I + must bring you into the town for him to take your measure.' + </p> + <p> + “'And when am I to go?' says the cat, looking savage. + </p> + <p> + “'To-morrow,' says Tom. + </p> + <p> + “'It's well you said that, Tom,' said the cat, 'or the devil an eye I'd + leave in your family this night'—and off she hopped. + </p> + <p> + “Tom thrimbled at the wicked look she gave. + </p> + <p> + “'Remember!' says she, over the hedge, with a bitter caterwaul. + </p> + <p> + “'Never fear,' says Tom. Well, sure enough, the next mornin' there was the + cat at cock-crow, licking herself as nate as a new pin, to go into the + town, and out came Tom with a bag undher his arm, and the cat afther him. + </p> + <p> + “'Now git into this, and I'll carry you into the town,' says Tom, opening + the bag. + </p> + <p> + “'Sure I can walk with you,' says the cat. + </p> + <p> + “'Oh, that wouldn't do,' says Tom; 'the people in the town is curious and + slandherous people, and sure it would rise ugly remarks if I was seen with + a cat afther me:—a dog is a man's companion by nature, but cats does + not stand to rayson.' + </p> + <p> + “Well, the cat, seeing there was no use in argument, got into the bag, and + off Tom set to the cross roads with the bag over his shoulder, and he came + up, <i>quite innocent-like</i>, to the corner, where the Squire, and his + huntsman, and the hounds, and a pack o' people were waitin'. Out came the + Squire on a sudden, just as if it was all by accident. + </p> + <p> + “'God save you, Tom,' says he. + </p> + <p> + “'God save you kindly, sir,' says Tom. + </p> + <p> + “'What's that bag you have at your back?' says the Squire. + </p> + <p> + “'Oh, nothin' at all, sir,' says Tom—makin' a face all the time, as + much as to say, I have her safe. + </p> + <p> + “'Oh, there's something in that bag, I think,' says the Squire; 'and you + must let me see it.' + </p> + <p> + “'If you bethray me, Tom Connor,' says the cat in a low voice, 'by this + and that I'll never spake to you again!' + </p> + <p> + “'Pon my honour, sir,' said Tom, with a wink and a twitch of his thumb + towards the bag, 'I haven't anything in it.' + </p> + <p> + “'I have been missing my praties of late,' says the Squire; 'and I'd just + like to examine that bag,' says he. + </p> + <p> + “'Is it doubting my charackther you'd be, sir?' says Tom, pretending to be + in a passion. + </p> + <p> + “'Tom, your sowl!' says the voice in the sack, '<i>if you let the cat out + of the bag</i>, I'll murther you.' + </p> + <p> + “'An honest man would make no objection to be sarched,' said the Squire; + 'and I insist on it,' says he, laying hold o' the bag, and Tom purtending + to fight all the time; but, my jewel! before two minutes, they shook the + cat out o' the bag, sure enough, and off she went with her tail as big as + a sweeping brush, and the Squire, with a thundering view halloo after her, + clapt the dogs at her heels, and away they went for the bare life. Never + was there seen such running as that day—the cat made for a shaking + bog, the loneliest place in the whole country, and there the riders were + all thrown out, barrin' the huntsman, who had a web-footed horse on + purpose for soft places; and the priest, whose horse could go anywhere by + reason of the priest's blessing; and, sure enough, the huntsman and his + riverence stuck to the hunt like wax; and just as the cat got on the + border of the bog, they saw her give a twist as the foremost dog closed + with her, for he gave her a nip in the flank. Still she went on, however, + and headed them well, towards an old mud cabin in the middle of the bog, + and there they saw her jump in at the window, and up came the dogs the + next minit, and gathered round the house with the most horrid howling ever + was heard. The huntsman alighted, and went into the house to turn the cat + out again, when what should he see but an old hag lying in bed in the + corner? + </p> + <p> + “'Did you see a cat come in here?' says he. + </p> + <p> + “'Oh, no—o—o—o!' squealed the old hag, in a trembling + voice; 'there's no cat here,' says she. + </p> + <p> + “'Yelp, yelp, yelp!' went the dogs outside. + </p> + <p> + “'Oh, keep the dogs out o' this,' says the old hag—'oh—o—o—o!' + and the huntsman saw her eyes glare under the blanket, just like a cat's. + </p> + <p> + “'Hillo!' says the huntsman, pulling down the blanket—and what + should he see but the old hag's flank all in a gore of blood. + </p> + <p> + “'Ow, ow! you old divil—is it you? you ould cat!' says he, opening + the door. + </p> + <p> + “In rushed the dogs—up jumped the old hag, and changing into a cat + before their eyes, out she darted through the window again, and made + another run for it; but she couldn't escape, and the dogs gobbled her + while you could say 'Jack Robinson.' But the most remarkable part of this + extraordinary story, gentlemen, is, that the pack was ruined from that day + out; for after having eaten the enchanted cat, <i>the devil a thing they + would ever hunt afterwards but mice.</i>” + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0003" id="link2HCH0003"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXIV + </h2> + <p> + Murphy's story was received with acclamation by all but the little man. + </p> + <p> + “That is all a pack of nonsense,” said he. + </p> + <p> + “Well, you're welcome to it, sir,” said Murphy, “and if I had greater + nonsense you should have it; but seriously, sir, I again must beg you to + remember that the country all around here abounds in enchantment; scarcely + a night passes without some fairy frolic; but, however you may doubt the + wonderful fact of the cat speaking, I wonder you are not impressed with + the points of moral in which the story abounds—” + </p> + <p> + “Fiddlestick!” said the miniature snarler. + </p> + <p> + “First, the little touch about the corn monopoly —then maternal + vanity chastised by the loss of the child's toe—then Tom's + familiarity with his cat, showing the danger arising from a man making too + free with his female domestics—the historical point about the penal + laws—the fatal results of letting the cat out o' the bag, with the + curious final fact in natural history.” + </p> + <p> + [Footnote: Handy Andy was written when the “vexed question” of the “Corn + Laws” was the all-absorbing subject of discussion.] + </p> + <p> + “It's all nonsense,” said the little man, “and I am ashamed of myself for + being such a fool as to sit—alistening to such stuff instead of + going to bed, after the fatigue of my journey and the necessity of rising + early to-morrow, to be in good time at the polling.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh! then you're going to the election, sir?” said Murphy. + </p> + <p> + “Yes, sir—there's some sense in <i>that</i>—and <i>you</i>, + gentlemen, remember we must be <i>all</i> up early—and I recommend + you to follow my example.” + </p> + <p> + The little man rang the bell—the bootjack and slippers were called + for, and, after some delay, a very sleepy-looking <i>gossoon</i> entered + with a bootjack under his arm, but no slippers. + </p> + <p> + “Didn't I say slippers?” said the little man. + </p> + <p> + “You did, sir.” + </p> + <p> + “Where are they, sir?” + </p> + <p> + “The masther says there isn't any, if you plaze, sir.” + </p> + <p> + “No slippers! and you call this an inn? Oh!—well, 'what can't be + cured must be endured'—hold me the bootjack, sir.” + </p> + <p> + The gossoon obeyed—the little man inserted his heel in the cleft, + but, on attempting to pull his foot from the boot, he nearly went heels + over head backward. Murphy caught him and put him on his legs again. + “Heads up, soldiers,” exclaimed Murtough; “I thought you were drinking too + much.” + </p> + <p> + “Sir, I'm not intoxicated!” said the mannikin, snappishly. “It is the + fault of that vile bootjack—what sort of a thing is that you have + brought?” added he in a rage to the <i>gossoon</i>. + </p> + <p> + “It's the bootjack, sir; only one o' the horns is gone, you see,” and he + held up to view a rough piece of board with an angular slit in it, but one + of “the horns,” as he called it, had been broken off at the top, leaving + the article useless. + </p> + <p> + “How dare you bring such a thing as <i>that</i>?” said the little man, in + a great rage. + </p> + <p> + “Why, sir, you ax'd for a bootjack, sure, and I brought you the best I had—and + it's not my fault it's bruk, so it is, for it wasn't me bruk it, but Biddy + batin' the cock.” + </p> + <p> + “Beating the cock!” repeated the little man in surprise. “Bless me! beat a + cock with a bootjack!—what savages!” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, it's not the <i>hen</i> cock I mane, sir,” said the gossoon, “but the + beer cock—she was batin' the cock into the barrel, sir, wid the + bootjack, sir.” + </p> + <p> + “That was decidedly wrong,” said Murphy; “a bootjack is better suited to a + heel-tap than a full measure.” + </p> + <p> + “She was tapping the beer, you mean?” said the little man. + </p> + <p> + “Faix, she wasn't tapping it at all, sir, but hittin' it very hard, she + was, and that's the way she bruk it.” + </p> + <p> + “Barbarians!” exclaimed the little man; “using a bootjack instead of a + hammer!” + </p> + <p> + “Sure the hammer was gone to the priest, sir; bekase he wanted it for the + crucifixion.” + </p> + <p> + “The crucifixion!” exclaimed the little man, horrified; “is it possible + they crucify people?” + </p> + <p> + “Oh no, sir!” said the gossoon, grinning, “it's the picthure I main, sir—an + illigant picthure that is hung up in the chapel, and he wanted a hammer to + dhrive the nails—” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, a <i>picture</i> of the crucifixion,” said the little man. + </p> + <p> + “Yes, sure, sir—the alther-piece, that was althered for to fit to + the place, for it was too big when it came down from Dublin, so they cut + off the sides where the sojers was, bekase it stopt out the windows, and + wouldn't lave a bit o' light for his riverence to read mass; and sure the + sojers were no loss out o' the alther-piece, and was hung up afther in the + vesthery, and serve them right, the blackguards. But it was sore agen our + will to cut off the ladies at the bottom, that was cryin' and roarin'; but + great good luck, the head o' the Blessed Virgin was presarved in the + corner, and sure it's beautiful to see the tears runnin' down her face, + just over the hole in the wall for the holy wather—which is + remarkable.” + </p> + <p> + The gossoon was much offended by the laughter that followed his account of + the altar-piece, which he had no intention of making irreverential, and + suddenly became silent, with a muttered “More shame for yiz;” and as his + bootjack was impracticable, he was sent off with orders for the + chamber-maid to supply bed candles immediately. + </p> + <p> + The party soon separated for their various dormitories, the little man + leaving sundry charges to call them early in the morning, and to be sure + to have hot water ready for shaving, and, without fail, to have their + boots polished in time and left at their room doors;—to all which + injunctions he severally received the answer of—“Certainly, sir;” + and as the bed-room doors were slapped-to, one by one, the last sound of + the retiring party was the snappish voice of the indefatigable little man, + shouting, ere he shut his door,—“Early—early—don't + forget, Mistress Kelly—<i>early!</i>” + </p> + <p> + A shake-down for Murphy in the parlour was hastily prepared; and after + Mrs. Kelly was assured by Murtough that he was quite comfortable, and + perfectly content with his accommodation, for which she made scores of + apologies, with lamentations it was not better, &c., &c., the + whole household retired to rest, and in about a quarter of an hour the inn + was in perfect silence. + </p> + <p> + Then Murtough cautiously opened his door, and after listening for some + minutes, and being satisfied he was the only watcher under the roof, he + gently opened one of the parlour windows and gave the preconcerted signal + which he and Dick had agreed upon. Dick was under the window immediately, + and after exchanging a few words with Murtough, the latter withdrew, and + taking off his boots, and screening with his hand the light of a candle he + carried, he cautiously ascended the stairs, and proceeded stealthily along + the corridor of the dormitory, where, from the chambers on each side, a + concert of snoring began to be executed, and at all the doors stood the + boots and shoes of the inmates awaiting the aid of Day and Martin in the + morning. But, oh! innocent calf-skins—destined to a far different + fate—not Day and Martin, but Dick the Devil and Company are in wait + for you. Murphy collected as many as he could carry under his arms and + descended with them to the parlour window, where they were transferred to + Dick, who carried them directly to the horse-pond which lay behind the + inn, and there committed them to the deep. After a few journeys up and + down stairs, Murtough had left the electors without a morsel of sole or + upper leather, and was satisfied that a considerable delay, if not a + prevention of their appearance at the poll on the morrow, would be the + consequence. + </p> + <p> + “There, Dick,” said Murphy, “is the last of them,” as he handed the little + man's shoes out of the window,—“and now, to save appearances, you + must take mine too—for I must be without boots as well as the rest + in the morning. What fun I shall have when the uproar begins—don't + you envy me, Dick? There, be off now: but hark 'e, notwithstanding you + take away my boots, you need not throw them into the horse-pond.” + </p> + <p> + “'Faith, an' I will,” said Dick, dragging them out of his hands; “'t would + not be honourable, if I didn't—I'd give two pair of boots for the + fun you'll have.” + </p> + <p> + “Nonsense, Dick—Dick, I say—my boots!” + </p> + <p> + “Honour!” cried Dick, as he vanished round the corner. + </p> + <p> + “That devil will keep his word,” muttered Murphy, as he closed the window—“I + may bid good bye to that pair of boots—bad luck to him!” And yet the + merry attorney could not help laughing at Dick making him a sufferer by + his own trick. + </p> + <p> + Dick <i>did</i> keep his word; and after, with particular delight, sinking + Murphy's boots with the rest, he, as it was preconcerted, returned to the + cottage of Barny, and with his assistance drew the upset gig from the + ditch, and with a second set of harness, provided for the occasion, yoked + the servant's horse to the vehicle and drove home. + </p> + <p> + Murphy, meanwhile, was bent on more mischief at the inn; and lest the loss + of the boots and shoes might not be productive of sufficient impediment to + the movements of the enemy, he determined on venturing a step further. The + heavy sleeping of the weary and tipsy travellers enabled him to enter + their chambers unobserved, and over the garments they had taken off he + poured the contents of the water-jug and water-bottle he found in each + room, and then laying the empty bottle and a tumbler on a chair beside + each sleeper's bed, he made it appear as if the drunken men had been dry + in the night, and, in their endeavours to cool their thirst, had upset the + water over their own clothes. The clothes of the little man, in + particular, Murphy took especial delight in sousing more profusely than + his neighbour's, and not content with taking his shoes, burnt his + stockings, and left the ashes in the dish of the candlestick, with just as + much unconsumed as would show what they had been. He then retired to the + parlour, and with many an internal chuckle at the thought of the morning's + hubbub, threw off his clothes and flinging himself on the shake-down Mrs. + Kelly had provided for him, was soon wrapt in the profoundest slumber, + from which he never awoke until the morning uproar of the inn aroused him. + He jumped from his lair and rushed to the scene of action, to soar in the + storm of his own raising; and to make it more apparent that he had been as + great a sufferer as the rest, he only threw a quilt over his shoulders and + did not draw on his stockings. In this plight he scaled the stairs and + joined the storming party, where the little man was leading the forlorn + hope, with his candlestick in one hand and the remnant of his burnt + stocking between the finger and thumb of the other. + </p> + <p> + “Look at that, sir!” he cried, as he held it up to the landlord. + </p> + <p> + The landlord could only stare. + </p> + <p> + “Bless me!” cried Murphy, “how drunk you must have been to mistake your + stocking for an extinguisher!” + </p> + <p> + “Drunk, sir—I wasn't drunk!” + </p> + <p> + “It looks very like it,” said Murphy, who did not wait for an answer, but + bustled off to another party who was wringing out his inexpressibles at + the door of his bed-room, and swearing at the gossoon that he <i>must</i> + have his boots. + </p> + <p> + “I never seen them, sir,” said the boy. + </p> + <p> + “I left them at my door,” said the man. + </p> + <p> + “So did I leave mine,” said Murphy, “and here I am barefooted—it is + most extraordinary.” + </p> + <p> + “Has the house been robbed?” said the innocent elector. + </p> + <p> + “Not a one o' me knows, sir!” said the boy; “but how could it be robbed + and the doors all fast this mornin'?” + </p> + <p> + The landlady now appeared, and fired at the word “robbed!” + </p> + <p> + “Robbed, sir!” exclaimed Mrs. Kelly; “no, sir—no one was ever robbed + in my house—my house is respectable and responsible, sir—a + vartuous house—none o' your rantipole places, sir, I'd have you to + know, but decent and well behaved, and the house was as quiet as a lamb + all night.” + </p> + <p> + “Certainly, Mrs. Kelly,” said Murphy—“not a more respectable house + in Ireland—I'll vouch for that.” + </p> + <p> + “You're a gentleman, Misther Murphy,” said Mrs. Kelly, who turned down the + passage, uttering indignant ejaculations in a sort of snorting manner, + while her words of anger were returned by Murphy with expressions of + soothing and condolence as he followed her down-stairs. + </p> + <p> + The storm still continued above, and while there they shouted and swore + and complained, Murphy gave <i>his</i> notion of the catastrophe to the + landlady below, inferring that the men were drunk and poured the water + over their own clothes. To repeat this idea to themselves he re-ascended, + but the men were incredulous. The little man he found buttoning on a pair + of black gaiters, the only serviceable decency he had at his command, + which only rendered his denuded state more ludicrous. To him Murphy + asserted his belief that the whole affair was enchantment, and ventured to + hope the small individual would have more faith in fairy machinations for + the future; to which the little abortion only returned his usual “Pho! + pho! nonsense!” + </p> + <p> + Through all this scene of uproar, as Murphy passed to and fro, whenever he + encountered the landlord, that worthy individual threw him a knowing look; + and the exclamation of, “Oh, Misther Murphy—by dad!” given in a low + chuckling tone, insinuated that the landlord not only smoked but enjoyed + the joke. + </p> + <p> + “You must lend me a pair of boots, Kelly!” said Murtough. + </p> + <p> + “To be sure, sir—ha! ha! ha!—but you are the quare man, + Misther Murphy—” + </p> + <p> + “Send down the road and get my gig out of the ditch.” + </p> + <p> + “To be sure, sir. Poor devils! purty hands they got into,” and off went + the landlord, with a chuckle. + </p> + <p> + The messengers sent for the gig returned, declaring there was no gig to be + seen anywhere. + </p> + <p> + Murphy affected great surprise at the intelligence—again went among + the bamboozled electors, who were all obliged to go to bed for want of + clothes; and his bitter lamentations over the loss of his gig almost + reconciled them to their minor troubles. + </p> + <p> + To the fears they expressed that they should not be able to reach the town + in time for polling that day, Murphy told them to set their minds at rest, + for they would be in time on the next. + </p> + <p> + He then borrowed a saddle as well as the pair of boots from the landlord, + and the little black mare bore Murphy triumphantly back to the town, after + he had securely impounded Scatterbrain's voters, who were anxiously and + hourly expected by their friends. Still they came not. At last, Handy + Andy, who happened to be in town with Scatterbrain, was despatched to + hurry them, and his orders were not to come back without them. + </p> + <p> + Handy, on his arrival at the inn, found the electors in bed, and all the + fires in the house employed in drying their clothes. The little man, + wrapped in a blanket, was superintending the cooking of his own before the + kitchen grate; there hung his garments on some cross sticks suspended by a + string, after the fashion of a roasting-jack, which the small gentleman + turned before a blazing turf fire; and beside this contrivance of his + swung a goodly joint of meat, which a bouncing kitchen wench came over to + baste now and then. + </p> + <p> + Andy was answering some questions of the inquisitive little man, when the + kitchen maid, handing the basting-ladle to Andy, begged him to do a good + turn and just to baste the beef for her, for that her heart was broke with + all she had to do, cooking dinner for so many. + </p> + <p> + Andy, always ready to oblige, consented, and plied the ladle actively + between the troublesome queries of the little man; but at last, getting + confused with some very crabbed questions put to him, Andy became + completely bothered, and lifting a brimming ladle of dripping, poured it + over the little man's coat instead of the beef. + </p> + <p> + A roar from the proprietor of the clothes followed, and he implanted a + kick at such advantage upon Andy, that he upset him into the dripping-pan; + and Andy, in his fall, endeavouring to support himself, caught at the + suspended articles above him, and the clothes, and the beef, and Andy, all + swam in gravy. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0003" id="linkimage-0003"></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:80%"> + <img alt="Andy's Cooking Extraordinary" src="images/cooking.jpg" + width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0004" id="link2HCH0004"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXV + </h2> + <p> + While disaster and hubbub were rife below, the electors up-stairs were + holding a council whether it would not be better to send back the + “Honourable's” messenger to the town and request a supply of shoes, which + they had no other means of getting. The debate was of an odd sort; they + were all in their several beds at the time, and roared at each other + through their doors, which were purposely left open that they might enjoy + each other's conversation; number seven replied to number three, and + claimed respect to his arguments on the score of seniority; the blue room + was completely controverted by the yellow; and the double-bedded room + would, of course, have had superior weight in the argument, only that + everything it said was lost by the two honourable members speaking + together. The French king used to hold a council called a “bed of + justice,” in which neither justice nor a bed had anything to do, so that + this Irish conference better deserved the title than any council the + Bourbon ever assembled. The debate having concluded, and the question + being put and carried, the usher of the black counterpane was desired to + get out of bed, and, wrapped in the robe of office whence he derived his + title, to go down-stairs and call the “Honourable's” messenger to the “bar + of the house,” and there order him a pint of porter, for refreshment after + his ride; and forthwith to send him back again to the town for a supply of + shoes. + </p> + <p> + The house was unanimous in voting the supplies. The usher reached the + kitchen and found Andy in his shirt sleeves, scraping the dripping from + his livery with an old knife, whose hackled edge considerably assisted + Andy's own ingenuity in the tearing of his coat in many places, while the + little man made no effort towards the repair of his garment, but held it + up before him, and regarded it with a piteous look. + </p> + <p> + To the usher of the black counterpane's question, whether Andy was the + “Honourable's messenger,” Andy replied in the affirmative; but to the + desire expressed, that he would ride back to the town, Andy returned a + decided negative. + </p> + <p> + “My ordhers is not to go back without you,” said Andy. + </p> + <p> + “But we have no shoes,” said the usher; “and cannot go until we get some.” + </p> + <p> + “My ordher is not to go back without you.” + </p> + <p> + “But if we can't go?” + </p> + <p> + “Well, then, I can't go back, that's all,” said Andy. + </p> + <p> + The usher, the landlord, and the landlady all hammered away at Andy for a + long time, in vain trying to convince him he ought to return, as he was + desired; still Andy stuck to the letter of his orders, and said he often + got into trouble for not doing <i>exactly</i> what he was bid, and that he + was bid “not to go back without them, and he would not—so he + wouldn't—divil a fut.” + </p> + <p> + At last, however, Andy was made to understand the propriety of riding back + to the town; and was desired to go as fast as his horse could carry him, + to gallop every foot of the way; but Andy did no such thing; he had + received a good thrashing once for being caught galloping his master's + horse on the road, and he had no intention of running the risk a second + time, because “<i>the stranger</i>” told him to do so. “What does he know + about it?” said Andy to himself; “'faith, it's fair and aisy I'll go, and + not disthress the horse to plaze any one.” So he went back his ten miles + at a reasonable pace only; and when he appeared without the electors, a + storm burst on poor Andy. + </p> + <p> + “There! I knew how it would be,” said he, “and not my fault at all.” + </p> + <p> + “Weren't you told not to return without them?” + </p> + <p> + “But wait till I tell you how it was, sure;” and then Andy began an + account of the condition in which the voters lay at the inn but between + the impatience of those who heard, and the confused manner of Andy's + recital, it was some time before matters were explained; and then Andy was + desired to ride back to the inn again, to tell the electors shoes should + be forwarded after him in a post-chaise, and requesting their utmost + exertions in hastening over to the town, for that the election was going + against them. Andy returned to the inn; and this time, under orders from + head quarters, galloped in good earnest, and brought in his horse smoking + hot, and indicating lameness. The day was wearing apace, and it was so + late when the electors were enabled to start that the polling-booths were + closed before they could leave the town; and in many of these booths the + requisite number of electors had not been polled that day to keep them + open; so that the next day nearly all those outlying electors, about whom + there had been so much trouble and expense, would be of no avail. Thus, + Murphy's trick was quite successful, and the poor pickled electors were + driven back to their inn in dudgeon. + </p> + <p> + Andy, when he went to the stable to saddle his steed, for a return to + Neck-or-Nothing Hall, found him dead lame, so that to ride him better than + twelve miles home was impossible. Andy was obliged to leave him where he + was, and trudge it to the hall; for all the horses in Kelly's stables were + knocked up with their day's work. + </p> + <p> + As it was shorter by four miles across the country than by the road, Andy + pursued the former course; and as he knew the country well, the shades of + evening, which were now closing round, did not deter him in the least. + Andy was not very fresh for the journey to be sure, for he had ridden + upwards of thirty miles that day, so the merry whistle, which is so + constantly heard from the lively Irish pedestrian, did not while away the + tedium of his walk. It was night when Andy was breasting up a low ridge of + hills, which lay between him and the end of his journey; and when in + silence and darkness he topped the ascent, he threw himself on some + heather to rest and take breath. His attention was suddenly caught by a + small blue flame, which flickered now and then on the face of the hill, + not very far from him; and Andy's fears of fairies and goblins came + crowding upon him thick and fast. He wished to rise, but could not; his + eye continued to be strained with the fascination of fear in the direction + he saw the fire, and sought to pierce the gloom through which, at + intervals, the small point of flame flashed brightly and sunk again, + making the darkness seem deeper. Andy lay in perfect stillness, and in the + silence, which was unbroken even by his own breathing, he thought he heard + voices underground. He trembled from head to foot, for he was certain they + were the voices of the fairies, whom he firmly believed to inhabit the + hills. + </p> + <p> + “Oh! murdher, what'll I do?” thought Andy to himself: “sure I heerd often, + if once you were within the sound of their voices, you could never get out + o' their power. Oh! if I could only say a <i>pather</i> and <i>ave</i>, + but I forget my prayers with the fright. Hail, Mary! The king o' the + fairies lives in these hills, I know—and his house is undher me this + minit, and I on the roof of it—I'll never get down again—I'll + never get down again—they'll make me slater to the fairies; and sure + enough I remember me, the hill is all covered with flat stones they call + fairy slates. Oh! I am ruined—God be praised!” Here he blessed + himself, and laid his head close to the earth. “Guardian angels—I + hear their voices singin' a dhrinking song—Oh! if I had a dhrop o' + water myself, for my mouth is as dhry as a lime-burner's wig—and I + on the top o' their house—see—there's the little blaze again—I + wondher is their chimbley afire—Oh! murther, I'll die o' thirst—Oh! + if I had only one dhrop o' wather—I wish it would rain or hail—Hail, + Mary, full o' grace—whisht! what's that?” Andy crouched lower than + before, as he saw a figure rise from the earth, and attain a height which + Andy computed to be something about twenty feet; his heart shrank to the + size of a nut-shell, as he beheld the monster expand to his full + dimensions; and at the same moment, a second, equally large, emerged from + the ground. + </p> + <p> + Now, as fairies are notoriously little people, Andy changed his opinion of + the parties into whose power he had fallen, and saw clearly they were + giants, not fairies, of whom he was about to become the victim. He would + have ejaculated a prayer for mercy, had not terror rendered him + speechless, as the remembrance of all the giants he had ever heard of, + from the days of Jack and the Bean-stalk down, came into his head; but + though his sense of speaking was gone, that of hearing was painfully + acute, and he heard one of the giants say— + </p> + <p> + “That pot is not big enough.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh! it howlds as much as we want,” replied the other. + </p> + <p> + “O Lord,” thought Andy; “they've got their pot ready for cooking.” + </p> + <p> + “What keeps him?” said the first giant. + </p> + <p> + “Oh! he's not far off,” said the second. + </p> + <p> + A clammy shivering came over Andy. + </p> + <p> + “I'm hungry,” said the first, and he hiccupped as he spoke. + </p> + <p> + “It's only a false appetite you have,” said the second, “you're drunk.” + </p> + <p> + This was a new light to Andy, for he thought giants were too strong to get + drunk. “I could ate a young child, without parsley and butther,” said the + drunken giant. Andy gave a faint spasmodic kick. + </p> + <p> + “And it's as hot as —— down there,” said the giant. + </p> + <p> + Andy trembled at the horrid word he heard. + </p> + <p> + “No wonder,” said the second giant; “for I can see the flame popping out + at the top of the chimbley; that's bad: I hope no one will see it, or it + might give them warning. Bad luck to that young divil for making the fire + so sthrong.” + </p> + <p> + What a dreadful hearing this was for Andy: young devils to make their + fires; there was no doubt what place they were dwelling in. “Thunder and + turf!” said the drunken giant; “I wish I had a slice of—” + </p> + <p> + Andy did not hear what he wished a slice of, for the night wind swept + across the heath at the moment, and carried away the monster's disgusting + words on its pure breath. + </p> + <p> + “Well, I'd rather have—” said the other giant; and again Andy lost + what his atrocious desires were—“than all the other slices in the + world. What a lovely round shoulder she has, and the nice round ankle of + her—” + </p> + <p> + The word “ankle” showed at once it was a woman of whom he spoke, and Andy + shuddered. “The monsters! to eat a woman.” + </p> + <p> + “What a fool you are to be in love,” said the drunken giant with several + hiccups, showing the increase of his inebriation. + </p> + <p> + “Is that what the brutes call love,” thought Andy, “to ate a woman?” + </p> + <p> + “I wish she was bone of my bone and flesh of my flesh,” said the second + giant. Of this speech Andy heard only “bone” and “flesh,” and had great + difficulty in maintaining the serenity of his diaphragm. + </p> + <p> + The conversation of the giants was now more frequently interrupted by the + wind which was rising, and only broken sentences reached Andy, whose + senses became clearer the longer he remained in a state of safety; at last + he heard the name of Squire Egan distinctly pass between the giants. + </p> + <p> + “So they know Squire Egan,” thought Andy. + </p> + <p> + The first giant gave a drunken laugh at the mention of Squire Egan's name, + and exclaimed— + </p> + <p> + “Don't be afraid of him (<i>hiccup</i>); I have him undher my thumb (<i>hiccup</i>). + I can crush him when I plase.” + </p> + <p> + “O! my poor owld masther!” mentally ejaculated Andy. + </p> + <p> + Another break in their conversation occurred, and the next name Andy + overheard was “O'Grady.” + </p> + <p> + “The big bully!” said the second giant. + </p> + <p> + “They know the whole country,” thought Andy. + </p> + <p> + “But tell me, what was that you said to him at the election?” said the + drunken one. + </p> + <p> + The word “election” recalled Andy to the business of this earth back + again; and it struck upon his hitherto bewildered sensorium that giants + could have nothing to do with elections, and he knew he never saw them + there; and, as the thought struck him, it seemed as if the giants + diminished in size, and did not appear <i>quite</i> so big. + </p> + <p> + “Sure you know,” said the second. + </p> + <p> + “Well, I'd like to hear it again,” said the drunken one (<i>hiccup</i>). + </p> + <p> + “The big bully says to me, 'Have you a lease?' says he; 'No,' says I; 'but + I have an article!' 'What article?' says he; 'It's a fine brass + blunderbuss,' says I, 'and <i>I'd like to see the man would dispute the + title!</i>'” + </p> + <p> + The drunken listener chuckled, and the words broke the spell of + supernatural terror which had hung over Andy; he knew, by the words of the + speaker, it was the bully joker of the election was present, who browbeat + O'Grady and out-quibbled the agent about the oath of allegiance; and the + voice of the other he soon recognised for that of Larry Hogan. So now his + giants were diminished into mortal men—the pot, which had been + mentioned to the terror of his soul, was for the making of whisky instead + of human broth—and the “hell” he thought his giants inhabited was + but a private still. Andy felt as if a mountain had been lifted from his + heart when he found it was but mortals he had to deal with; for Andy was + not deficient in courage when it was but thews and sinews like his own he + had to encounter. He still lay concealed, however, for smugglers might not + wish their private haunt to be discovered, and it was possible Andy would + be voted one too many in the company should he announce himself; and with + such odds as two to one against him he thought he had better be quiet. + Besides, his curiosity became excited when he found them speaking of his + old master, Egan, and his present one, O'Grady; and as a woman had been + alluded to, and odd words caught up here and there, he became anxious to + hear more of their conversation. + </p> + <p> + “So you're in love,” said Larry, with a hiccup, to our friend of the + blunderbuss; “ha! ha! ha! you big fool.” + </p> + <p> + “Well, you old thief, don't you like a purty girl yourself?” + </p> + <p> + “I did, when I was young and foolish.” + </p> + <p> + “'Faith, then, you're young and foolish at that rate yet, for you're a + rogue with the girls, Larry,” said the other, giving him a slap on the + back. + </p> + <p> + “Not I! not I!” said Larry, in a manner expressive of his not being + displeased with the charge of gallantry; “he! he! he!—how do you + know, eh?” (<i>Hiccup</i>.) “Sure, I know myself; but as I wos telling + you, if I could only lay howld of—” here his voice became inaudible + to Andy, and the rest of the sentence was lost. + </p> + <p> + Andy's curiosity was great. “Who could the girl be?” + </p> + <p> + “And you'd carry her off?” said Larry. + </p> + <p> + “I would,” said the other; “I'm only afraid o' Squire Egan.” + </p> + <p> + At this announcement of the intention of “carrying her off,” coupled with + the fear of “Squire Egan,” Andy's anxiety to hear the name of the person + became so intense that he crawled cautiously a little nearer to the + speakers. + </p> + <p> + “I tell you again,” said Larry, “I can settle <i>him</i> aisy (<i>hiccup</i>)—he's + undher my thumb (<i>hiccup</i>).” + </p> + <p> + “Be aisy,” said the other, contemptuously, who thought this was a mere + drunken delusion of Larry's. + </p> + <p> + “I tell you I'm his masther!” said Larry, with a drunken flourish of his + arm; and he continued bragging of his power over the Squire in various + ejaculations, the exact meaning of which our friend of the blunderbuss + could not fathom, but Andy heard enough to show him that the discovery of + the post-office affair was what Larry alluded to. + </p> + <p> + That Larry, a close, cunning, circumventing rascal, should so far betray + the source of his power over Egan may seem strange; but be it remembered + Larry was drunk, a state of weakness which his caution generally guarded + him from falling into, but which being in, his foible was bragging of his + influence, and so running the risk of losing it. + </p> + <p> + The men continued to talk together for some time, and the tenour of the + conversation was, that Larry assured his companion he might carry off the + girl without fear of Egan, but her name Andy could not discover. His own + name he heard more than once, and voluptuous raptures poured forth about + lovely lips and hips and ankles from the herculean knight of the + blunderbuss, amidst the maudlin admiration and hiccups of Larry, who + continued to brag of his power, and profess his readiness to stand by his + friend in carrying off the girl. + </p> + <p> + “Then,” said the Hercules, with an oath, “I'll soon have you in my arms, + my lovely—” + </p> + <p> + The name was lost again. + </p> + <p> + Their colloquy was now interrupted by the approach of a man and woman, the + former being the person for whose appearance Larry made so many inquiries + when he first appeared to Andy as the hungry giant; the other was the + sister of the knight of the blunderbuss. Larry having hiccupped his anger + against the man for making them wait so long for the bacon, the woman said + he should not wait longer without his supper now, for that she would go + down and fry the rashers immediately. She then disappeared through the + ground, and the men all followed. + </p> + <p> + Andy drew his breath freely once more, and with caution raised himself + gradually from the ground with a careful circumspection, lest any of the + subterranean community might be watchers on the hill; and when he was + satisfied he was free from observation, he stole away from the spot with + stealthy steps for about twenty paces, and there, as well as the darkness + would permit, after taking such landmarks as would help him to retrace his + way to the still, if requisite, he dashed down the hill at the top of his + speed. This pace he did not moderate until he had placed nearly a mile + between him and the scene of his adventure; he then paced slowly to regain + his breath. His head was in a strange whirl; mischief was threatened + against some one of whose name he was ignorant; Squire Egan was declared + to be in the power of an old rascal; this grieved Andy most of all, for he + felt <i>he</i> was the cause of his old master's dilemma. + </p> + <p> + “Oh! to think I should bring him into trouble,” said Andy, “the kind and + good masther he was to me ever, and I live to tell it like a blackguard—throth + I'd rather be hanged any day than the masther would come to throuble—maybe + if I gave myself up and was hanged like a man at once, that would settle + it; 'faith, if I thought it would, I'd do it sooner than Squire Egan + should come to throuble!” and poor Andy spoke just what he felt. “Or would + it do to kill that blackguard Hogan? <i>sure they could do no more than + hang me afther</i>, and that would save the masther, and be all one to me, + for they often towld me I'd be hanged. But then there's my sowl,” said + Andy, and he paused at the thought—, “if they hanged me for the + letthers, it would be only for a mistake, and sure then I'd have a chance + o' glory; for sure I might go to glory through a mistake; but if I killed + a man on purpose, sure it would be slappin' the gates of Heaven in my own + face. Faix, I'll spake to Father Blake about it.” + </p> + <p> + [Footnote: How often has the sanguinary penal code of past years suggested + this reflection and provoked the guilt it was meant to awe! Happily, now + our laws are milder, and more protective from their mildness.] + </p> + <p> + [Footnote: In the foregoing passage, Andy stumbles on uttering a quaint + pleasantry, for it is partly true as well as droll—the notion of a + man gaining Paradise through a mistake. Our intentions too seldom lead us + there, but rather tend the other way, for a certain place is said to be + paved with “good” ones, and surely “bad” ones would not lead us upwards. + Then the phrase of a man “slapping the gates of Heaven in his own face,” + is one of those wild poetic figures of speech in which the Irish peasantry + often indulge. The phrase “slapping the door” is every-day and common; but + when applied to “the gates of Heaven,” and “in a man's own face,” the + common phrase becomes fine. But how often the commonest things become + poetry by the fitness of their application, though poetasters and people + of small minds think greatness of thought lies in big words.] + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0005" id="link2HCH0005"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXVI + </h2> + <p> + The following day was that eventful one which should witness the return of + either Edward Egan, Esq., or the Honourable Sackville Scatterbrain as + member for the county. There was no doubt in any reasonable man's mind as + to the real majority of Egan, but the numbers were sufficiently close to + give the sheriff an opportunity of doing a bit of business to oblige his + friends, and therefore he declared the Honourable Sackville Scatterbrain + duly elected. Great was the uproar; the people hissed, and hooted, and + groaned, for which the Honourable Sackville very good-naturedly returned + them his thanks. Murphy snapped his fingers in the sheriff's face, and + told them his honourable friend should not long remain member, for that he + must be unseated on petition, and that he would prove the return most + corrupt, with which words he again snapped his fingers in the sheriff's + face. + </p> + <p> + The sheriff threatened to read the riot act if such conduct was repeated. + </p> + <p> + Egan took off his hat, and thanked him for his <i>honourable, upright, and + impartial</i> conduct, whereupon all Egan's friends took off their hats + also, and made profound bows to the functionary, and then laughed most + uproariously. Counter laughs were returned from the opposite party, who + begged to remind the Eganites of the old saying, “that they might laugh + who win.” A cross-fire of sarcasms was kept up amidst the two parties as + they were crushing forward out of the courthouse; and at the door, before + entering his carriage, Scatterbrain very politely addressed Egan, and + trusted that, though they had met as rivals on the hustings, they + nevertheless parted friends, and expressing the highest respect for the + squire, offered his hand in amity. + </p> + <p> + Egan, equally good-hearted as his opponent, shook his hand cordially; + declaring he attributed to him none of the blame which attached to other + persons. “Besides, my dear sir,” said Egan, laughing, “I should be a very + ill-natured person to grudge you so small an indulgence as being member of + parliament <i>for a month or so</i>.” + </p> + <p> + Scatterbrain returned the laugh, good-humouredly, and replied that, “at + all events, he <i>had</i> the seat.” + </p> + <p> + “Yes, my dear sir,” said Egan, “and make the most of it <i>while</i> you + have it. In short, I shall owe you an obligation when I go over to St. + Stephen's, for you will have just <i>aired my seat</i> for me—good + bye.” + </p> + <p> + They parted with smiles, and drove to their respective homes; but as even + doubtful possession is preferable to expectation for the time being, it is + certain that Neck-or-Nothing Hall rang with more merriment that night on + the reality of the present, than Merryvale did on the hope of the future. + </p> + <p> + Even O'Grady, as he lay with his wounded arm on the sofa, found more + healing in the triumph of the hour than from all the medicaments of the + foregoing week, and insisted on going down-stairs and joining the party at + supper. + </p> + <p> + “Gusty, dear,” said his wife, “you know the doctor said—” + </p> + <p> + “Hang the doctor!” + </p> + <p> + “Your arm, my love.” + </p> + <p> + “I wish you'd leave off pitying my arm, and have some compassion on my + stomach.” + </p> + <p> + “The doctor said—” + </p> + <p> + “There are oysters in the house; I'll do myself more good by the use of an + oyster-knife than all the lancets in the College of Surgeons.” + </p> + <p> + “But your wound, dear?” + </p> + <p> + “Are they Carlingfords or Poldoodies?” + </p> + <p> + “So fresh, love.” + </p> + <p> + “So much the better.” + </p> + <p> + “Your wound I mean, dear?” + </p> + <p> + “Nicely opened.” + </p> + <p> + “Only dressed an hour ago?” + </p> + <p> + “With some mustard, pepper, and vinegar.” + </p> + <p> + “Indeed, Gusty, if you take my advice—” + </p> + <p> + “I'd rather have oysters any day.” + </p> + <p> + O'Grady sat up on the sofa as he spoke and requested his wife to say no + more about the matter, but put on his cravat. While she was getting it + from his wardrobe, his mind wandered from supper to the pension, which he + looked upon as secure now that Scatterbrain was returned; and oyster-banks + gave place to the Bank of Ireland, which rose in a pleasing image before + O'Grady's imagination. The wife now returned with the cravat, still + dreading the result of eating to her husband, and her mind occupied wholly + with the thought of supper, while O'Grady was wrapt in visions of a + pension. + </p> + <p> + “You won't take it, Gusty, dear,” said his wife with all the insinuation + of manner she could command. + </p> + <p> + “Won't I, 'faith?” said O'Grady. “Maybe you think I don't want it?” + </p> + <p> + “Indeed, I don't, dear.” + </p> + <p> + “Are you mad, woman? Is it taking leave of the few senses you ever had you + are?” + </p> + <p> + “'T won't agree with you.” + </p> + <p> + “Won't it? just wait till I'm tried.” + </p> + <p> + “Well, love, how much do you expect to be allowed?” + </p> + <p> + “Why I can't expect much just yet—we must begin gently—feel + the pulse first; but I should hope, by way of start, that six or seven + hundred—” + </p> + <p> + “Gracious Heaven!” exclaimed his wife, dropping the cravat from her hands. + “What the devil is the woman shouting at?” said O'Grady. + </p> + <p> + “Six or seven hundred!!!” exclaimed Mrs. O'Grady; “my dear, there's not as + much in the house.” + </p> + <p> + “No, nor has not been for many a long day; I know that as well as you,” + said O'Grady; “but I hope we shall get as much for all that.” + </p> + <p> + “My dear, where could you get them?” asked the wife, timidly, who began to + think his head was a little light. + </p> + <p> + “From the treasury, to be sure.” + </p> + <p> + “The treasury, my dear?” said the wife, still at fault; “how could you get + oysters from the treasury?” + </p> + <p> + “Oysters!” exclaimed O'Grady, whose turn it was now to wonder, “who talks + of oysters?” + </p> + <p> + “My dear, I thought you said you'd eat six or seven hundred of oysters!” + </p> + <p> + “Pooh! pooh! woman; it is of the pension I'm talking—six or seven + hundred pounds—pounds—cash—per annum; now I suppose + you'll put on my cravat. I think a man may be allowed to eat his supper + who expects six hundred a year.” + </p> + <p> + A great many people besides O'Grady order suppers, and dinners too, on the + expectation of less than six hundred a year. Perhaps there is no more + active agent for sending people into the Insolvent Court than the + aforesaid “<i>expectation</i>.” + </p> + <p> + O'Grady went down-stairs, and was heartily welcomed by Scatterbrain on his + re-appearance from his sick-room; but Mrs. O'Grady suggested that, for + fear any excess would send him back there for a longer time, a very + moderate indulgence at the table should suffice. She begged the honourable + member to back her argument, which he did; and O'Grady promised + temperance, but begged the immediate appearance of the oysters, for he + experienced that eager desire which delicate health so often prompts for + some particular food. + </p> + <p> + Andy was laying the table at the time, and was ordered to expedite matters + as much as possible. + </p> + <p> + “Yis, ma'am.” + </p> + <p> + “You're sure the oysters are all good, Andy?” + </p> + <p> + “Sartin, ma'am.” + </p> + <p> + “Because the last oysters you know—” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, yis, ma'am—were bad, ma'am—bekase they had their mouths + all open. I remember, ma'am; but when I'm towld a thing once, I never + forget it again; and you towld me when they opened their mouths once they + were no good. So you see, ma'am, I'll never bring up bad oysthers again, + ma'am.” + </p> + <p> + “Very good, Andy; and you have kept them in a cool place, I hope.” + </p> + <p> + “Faix, they're cowld enough where I put them, ma'am.” + </p> + <p> + “Very well; bring them up at once.” + </p> + <p> + Off went Andy, and returned with all the haste he could with a large dish + heaped up with oysters. + </p> + <p> + O'Grady rubbed his hands with the impatience of a true lover of the + crustaceous delicacy, and Scatterbrain, eager to help him, flourished his + oyster-knife; but before he had time to commence operations the olfactory + nerves of the company gave evidence that the oysters were rather + suspicious; every one began sniffing, and a universal “Oh dear!” ran round + the table. + </p> + <p> + “Don't you smell it, Furlong?” said Scatterbrain, who was so lost in + looking at Augusta's mustachios that he did not mind anything else. + </p> + <p> + “Isn't it horrid?” said O'Grady, with a look of disgust. + </p> + <p> + Furlong thought he alluded to the mustachio, and replied with an assurance + that he “liked it of all things.” + </p> + <p> + “Like it?” said O'Grady; “you've a queer taste. What do <i>you</i> think + of it, miss?” added he to Augusta, “it's just under your nose.” Furlong + thought this rather personal, even from a father. + </p> + <p> + “I'll try my knife on one,” said Scatterbrain, with a flourish of the + oyster-knife, which Furlong thought resembled the preliminary trial of a + barber's razor. + </p> + <p> + Furlong thought this worse than O'Grady; but he hesitated to reply to his + chief, and an <i>honourable</i> into the bargain. + </p> + <p> + In the meantime, Scatterbrain opened an oyster, which Furlong, in his + embarrassment and annoyance, did not perceive. + </p> + <p> + “Cut off the beard,” said O'Grady, “I don't like it.” + </p> + <p> + This nearly made Furlong speak, but, considering O'Grady's temper and + ill-health, he hesitated, till he saw Augusta rubbing her eye, in + consequence of a small splinter of the oyster-shell having struck it from + Scatterbrain's mismanagement of his knife; but Furlong thought she was + crying, and then he could be silent no longer; he went over to where she + sat, and with a very affectionate demonstration in his action, said, + “Never mind them, dear Gussy—never mind—don't cwy—I love + her dear little moustachios, I do.” He gave a gentle pat on the back of + the neck as he spoke, and it was returned by an uncommonly smart box on + the ear from the young lady, and the whole party looked thunderstruck. + “Dear Gussy” cried for spite, and stamped her way out of the room, + followed by Furlong. + </p> + <p> + “Let them go,” said O'Grady; “they'll make it up outside.” + </p> + <p> + “These oysters are all bad,” said Scatterbrain. + </p> + <p> + O'Grady began to swear at his disappointment—he had set his heart on + oysters. Mrs. O'Grady rang the bell—Andy appeared. + </p> + <p> + “How dare you bring up such oysters as these?” roared O'Grady. + </p> + <p> + “The misthris ordhered them, sir.” + </p> + <p> + “I told you never to bring up bad oysters,” said she. + </p> + <p> + “Them's not bad, ma'am,” said Andy, + </p> + <p> + “Have you a nose?” says O'Grady. + </p> + <p> + “Yes, sir.” + </p> + <p> + “And can't you smell them, then?” + </p> + <p> + “Faix, I smelt them for the last three days, sir.” + </p> + <p> + “And how could you say they were good, then?” asked his mistress. + </p> + <p> + “Sure you tould me, ma'am, that if they didn't open their mouths they were + good, and I'll be on my book oath them oysters never opened their mouths + since I had them, for I laid them on a coolflag in the kitchen and put the + jack-weight over them.” + </p> + <p> + Notwithstanding O'Grady's rage, Scatterbrain could not help roaring with + laughter at Andy's novel contrivance for keeping oysters fresh. Andy was + desired to take the “ancient and fish-like smell” out of the room, amidst + jeers and abuse; and, as he fumbled his way to the kitchen in the dark, + lamenting the hard fate of servants, who can never give satisfaction, + though they do everything they are bid, he went head over heels + down-stairs, which event was reported to the whole house as soon as it + happened, by the enormous clatter of the broken dish, the oysters, and + Andy, as they all rolled one over the other to the bottom. + </p> + <p> + O'Grady, having missed the cool supper he intended, and had longed for, + was put into a rage by the disappointment; and as hunger with O'Grady was + only to be appeased by broiled bones, accordingly, against all the + endeavours of everybody, the bells rang violently through the house, and + the ogre-like cry of “broiled bones!” resounded high and low. + </p> + <p> + The reader is sufficiently well acquainted with O'Grady by this time to + know, that of course, when once he had determined to have his broiled + bone, nothing on the face of the earth could prevent it but the want of + anything to broil, or the immediate want of his teeth; and as his + masticators were in order, and something in the house which could carry + mustard and pepper, the invalid primed and loaded himself with as much + combustible matter as exploded in a fever the next day. + </p> + <p> + The supper-party, however, in the hope of getting him to bed, separated + soon; and as Scatterbrain and Furlong were to start early in the morning + for Dublin, the necessity of their retiring to rest was pleaded. The + honourable member had not been long in his room when he heard a tap at his + door, and his order to “come in” was followed by the appearance of Handy + Andy. + </p> + <p> + “I found somethin' on the road nigh the town to-day, sir, and I thought it + might be yours, maybe,” said Andy, producing a small pocket-book. + </p> + <p> + The honourable member disavowed the ownership. + </p> + <p> + “Well, there's something else I want to speak to your honour about.” + </p> + <p> + “What is it, Handy?” + </p> + <p> + “I want your honour to see the account of the money your honour gave me + that I spint at the <i>shebeen</i> [Footnote: Low publick house.] upon the + 'lecthors that couldn't be accommodated at Mrs. Fay's.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh! never mind it, Andy; if there's anything over, keep it yourself.” + </p> + <p> + “Thank your honour, but I must make the account all the same, if you + plaze, for I'm going to Father Blake, to my duty, [Footnote: Confession.] + soon, and I must have my conscience as clear as I can, and I wouldn't like + to be keeping money back.” + </p> + <p> + “But if I give you the money, what matter?” + </p> + <p> + “I'd rather you'd just look over this little bit of a count, if you + plaze,” said Andy, producing a dirty piece of paper, with some nearly + inscrutable hieroglyphics upon it. Scatterbrain commenced an examination + of this literary phenomenon from sheer curiosity, asking Andy at the same + time if <i>he</i> wrote it. + </p> + <p> + “Yis, sir,” said Andy; “but you see the man couldn't keep the count of the + piper's dhrink at all, it was so confusin', and so I was obliged to pay + him for that every time the piper dhrunk, and keep it separate, and the + 'lecthors that got their dinner afther the bill was made out I put down + myself too, and that's it you see, sir, both ating and dhrinkin'.” + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + To Dhrinkin A blind piper everry day + wan and in Pens six dais 0 16 6 + To atein four Tin Illikthurs And Thare 1 8 8 + horses on Chewsdai 0 14 0 + ————- + Toe til 2 19 4 + Lan lord Bil For All Be four 7 17 8-1/2 + ————- + 10 18 12-1/2 +</pre> + <p> + “Then I owe you money, instead of your having a balance in hand, Andy,” + said the member. + </p> + <p> + “Oh, no matter, your honour; it's not for that I showed you the account.” + </p> + <p> + “It's very like it, though,” said Scatterbrain, laughing; “here, Andy, + here are a couple of pounds for you, take them, Andy—take it and be + off; your bill is worth the money,” and Scatterbrain closed the door on + the great accountant. + </p> + <p> + Andy next went to Furlong's room, to know if the pocket-book belonged to + him; it did not, but Furlong, though he disclaimed the ownership, had that + small curiosity which prompts little minds to pry into what does not + belong to them, and taking the pocket-book into his hands, he opened it, + and fumbled over its leaves; in the doing of which a small piece of folded + paper fell from one of the pockets unnoticed by the impertinent inquisitor + or Andy, to whom he returned the book when he had gratified his senseless + curiosity. Andy withdrew, Furlong retired to rest; and as it was in the + grey of an autumnal morning he dressed himself, the paper still remained + unobserved: so that the housemaid, on setting the room to rights, found + it, and fancying Miss Augusta was the proper person to confide Mr. + Furlong's stray papers to, she handed that young lady the manuscript which + bore the following copy of verses:— + </p> + <h3> + I CAN NE'ER FORGET THEE + </h3> + <h3> + I + </h3> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + It is the chime, the hour draws near + When you and I must sever; + Alas, it must be many a year, + And it <i>may</i> be for ever! + How long till we shall meet again! + How short since first I met thee! + How brief the bliss—how long the pain— + For I can ne'er forget thee. +</pre> + <h3> + II + </h3> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + You said my heart was cold and stern; + You doubted love when strongest: + In future days you'll live to learn + Proud hearts can love the longest. + Oh! sometimes think, when press'd to hear, + When flippant tongues beset thee, + That <i>all</i> must love thee, when thou'rt near, + But <i>one</i> will ne'er forget thee! +</pre> + <h3> + III + </h3> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + The changeful sand doth only know + The shallow tide and latest; + The rocks have mark'd its highest flow, + The deepest and the greatest; + And deeper still the flood-marks grow:— + So, since the hour I met thee, + The more the tide of time doth flow, + The less can I forget thee! +</pre> + <p> + When Augusta saw the lines, she was charmed. She discovered her Furlong to + be a poet! That the lines were his there was no doubt—they were <i>found + in his room,</i> and of course they <i>must</i> be his, just as partial + critics say certain Irish airs must be English, because they are to be + found in Queen Elizabeth's music-book. + </p> + <p> + Augusta was so charmed with the lines that she amused herself for a long + time in hiding them under the sofa-cushion and making her pet dog find and + fetch them. Her pleasure, however, was interrupted by her sister Charlotte + remarking, when the lines were shown to her in triumph, that the writing + was not Furlong's, but in a lady's hand. + </p> + <p> + Even as beer is suddenly soured by thunder, so the electric influence of + Charlotte's words converted all Augusta had been brewing to acidity; + jealousy stung her like a wasp, and she boxed her dog's ears as he was + barking for another run with the verses. + </p> + <p> + “A <i>lady's</i> hand?” said Augusta, snatching the paper from her sister; + “I declare if it ain't! the wretch—so he receives lines from + ladies.” + </p> + <p> + “I think I know the hand, too,” said Charlotte. + </p> + <p> + “You do?” exclaimed Augusta, with flashing eyes. + </p> + <p> + “Yes, I'm certain it is Fanny Dawson's writing.” + </p> + <p> + “So it is,” said Augusta, looking at the paper as if her eyes could have + burnt it; “to be sure—he was there before he came here.” + </p> + <p> + “Only for two days,” said Charlotte, trying to slake the flame she had + raised. + </p> + <p> + “But I've heard that girl always makes conquests at first sight,” returned + Augusta, half crying; “and what do I see here? some words in pencil.” + </p> + <p> + The words were so faint as to be scarcely perceptible, but Augusta + deciphered them; they were written on the margin, beside a circumflex + which embraced the last four lines of the second verse, so that it stood + thus:— + </p> + <p class="side"> + Dearest, I will. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + Oh! sometimes think, when press'd to hear, + When flippant tongues beset thee, + That <i>all</i> must love thee when thou'rt near, + But <i>one</i> will ne'er forget thee! +</pre> + <p> + “Will you, indeed?” said Augusta, crushing the paper in her hand, and + biting it; “but I must not destroy it—I must keep it to prove his + treachery to his face.” She threw herself on the sofa as she spoke, and + gave vent to an outpour of spiteful tears. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0006" id="link2HCH0006"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXVII + </h2> + <p> + How many chapters have been written about love verses—and how many + more might be written!—might, would, could, should, or ought to be + written!—I will venture to say, <i>will</i> be written! I have a + mind to fulfil my own prophecy and write one myself; but no—my story + must go on. However, I <i>will</i> say, that it is quite curious in how + many ways the same little bit of paper may influence different people: the + poem whose literary merit may be small becomes precious when some valued + hand has transcribed the lines; and the verses whose measure and meaning + viewed in type might win favour and yield pleasure, shoot poison from + their very sweetness, when read in some particular hand and under + particular circumstances. It was so with the copy of verses Augusta had + just read—they were Fanny Dawson's manuscript—that was certain—and + found in the room of Augusta's lover; therefore Augusta was wretched. But + these same lines had given exquisite pleasure to another person, who was + now nearly as miserable as Augusta in having lost them. It is possible the + reader guesses that person to be Edward O'Connor, for it was he who had + lost the pocket-book in which those (to him) precious lines were + contained; and if the little case had held all the bank-notes he ever + owned in his life, their loss would have been regarded less than that bit + of manuscript, which had often yielded <i>him</i> the most exquisite + pleasure, and was now inflicting on Augusta the bitterest anguish. To make + this intelligible to the reader, it is necessary to explain under what + circumstances the lines were written. At one time, Edward, doubting the + likelihood of making his way at home, was about to go to India and push + his fortunes there; and at that period, those lines, breathing of farewell—implying + the dread of rivals during absence—and imploring remembrance of his + eternal love, were written and given to Fanny; and she, with that delicacy + of contrivance so peculiarly a woman's, hit upon the expedient of copying + his own verses and sending them to him in her writing, as an indication + that the spirit of the lines was her own. + </p> + <p> + But Edward saw that his father, who was advanced in years, looked upon a + separation from his son as an eternal one, and the thought gave so much + pain, that Edward gave up the idea of expatriation. Shortly after, + however, the misunderstanding with Major Dawson took place, and Fanny and + Edward were as much severed as if dwelling in different zones. Under such + circumstances, those lines were peculiarly precious, and many a kiss had + Edward impressed upon them, though Augusta thought them fitter for the + exercise of her teeth than her lips. In fact, Edward did little else than + think of Fanny; and it is possible his passion might have degenerated into + mere love-sickness, and enfeebled him, had not his desire of proving + himself worthy of his mistress spurred him to exertion, in the hope of + future distinction. But still the tone of tender lament pervaded all his + poems, and the same pocket-book whence the verses which caused so much + commotion fell contained the following also, showing how entirely Fanny + possessed his heart and occupied his thoughts:— + </p> + <h3> + WHEN THE SUN SINKS TO REST + </h3> + <h3> + I + </h3> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + When the sun sinks to rest, + And the star of the west + Sheds its soft silver light o'er the sea; + What sweet thoughts arise, + As the dim twilight dies— + For then I am thinking of thee! + Oh! then crowding fast + Come the joys of the past, + Through the dimness of days long gone by, + Like the stars peeping out, + Through the darkness about, + From the soft silent depth of the sky. +</pre> + <h3> + II + </h3> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + And thus, as the night + Grows more lovely and bright + With the clust'ring of planet and star, + So this darkness of mine + Wins a radiance divine + From the light that still lingers afar. + Then welcome the night, + With its soft holy light! + In its silence my heart is more free + The rude world to forget, + Where no pleasure I've met + Since the hour that I parted from thee. +</pre> + <p> + But we must leave love verses, and ask pardon for the few remarks which + the subject tempted, and pursue our story. + </p> + <p> + The first prompting of Augusta's anger, when she had recovered her burst + of passion, was to write “<i>such a letter</i>” to Furlong—and she + spent half a day at the work; but she could not please herself—she + tore twenty at least, and determined, at last, not to write at all, but + just wait till he returned and overwhelm him with reproaches. But, though + she could not compose a letter, she composed herself by the endeavour, + which acted as a sort of safety-valve to let off the superabundant steam; + and it is wonderful how general is this result of sitting down to write + angry letters: people vent themselves of their spleen on the uncomplaining + paper, which silently receives words a listener would not. With a pen for + our second, desperate satisfaction is obtained with only an effusion of + ink, and when once the pent-up bitterness has oozed out in all the + blackness of that fluid—most appropriately made of the best galls—the + time so spent, and the “letting of words,” if I may use the phrase, has + cooled our judgment and our passions together; and the first letter is + torn: 't is <i>too</i> severe; we write a second; we blot and interline + till it is nearly illegible; we begin a third; till at last we are tired + out with our own angry feelings, and throw our scribbling by with a + “Pshaw! what's the use of it?” or, “It's not worth my notice;” or, still + better, arrive at the conclusion, that we preserve our own dignity best by + writing without temper, though we may be called upon to be severe. + </p> + <p> + Furlong at this time was on his road to Dublin in happy unconsciousness of + Augusta's rage against him, and planning what pretty little present he + should send her specially, for his head was naturally running on such + matters, as he had quantities of commissions to execute in the millinery + line for Mrs. O'Grady, who thought it high time to be getting up Augusta's + wedding-dresses, and Andy was to be despatched the following day to Dublin + to take charge of a cargo of bandboxes back from that city to + Neck-or-Nothing Hall. Furlong had received a thousand charges from the + ladies, “to be sure to lose no time” in doing his devoir in their behalf, + and he obeyed so strictly, and was so active in laying milliners and + mercers under contributions, that Andy was enabled to start the day after + his arrival, sorely against Andy's will, for he would gladly have remained + amidst the beauty and grandeur and wonders of Dublin, which struck him + dumb for the day he was amongst them, but gave him food for conversation + for many a day after. Furlong, after racking his invention about the + souvenir to his “dear Gussy,” at length fixed on a fan, as the most + suitable gift; for Gussy had been quizzed at home about “blushing,” and + all that sort of thing, and the puerile perceptions of the <i>attache</i> + saw something very smart in sending her wherewith “to hide her blushes.” + Then the fan was the very pink of fans; it had quivers and arrows upon it, + and bunches of hearts looped up in azure festoons, and doves perched upon + them; though Augusta's little sister, who was too young to know what + hearts and doves were, when she saw them for the first time, said they + were pretty little birds picking at apples. The fan was packed up in a + nice case, and then on scented note paper did the dear dandy indite a bit + of namby-pamby badinage to his fair one, which he thought excessively + clever:— + </p> + <p> + “DEAR DUCKY DARLING,—You know how naughty they are in quizzing you + about a little something, <i>I won't say what,</i> you will guess, I dare + say—but I send you a little toy, <i>I won't say what,</i> on which + Cupid might write this label after the doctor's fashion, 'To be used + occasionally, when the patient is much troubled with the symptoms.' + </p> + <p> + “Ever, ever, ever yours, + </p> + <p> + “P.S. Take care how you open it.” + </p> + <h3> + “J.F.” + </h3> + <p> + Such was the note that Handy Andy was given, with particular injunctions + to deliver it the first thing on his arrival at the Hall to Miss Augusta, + and to be sure to take most particular care of the little case; all which + Andy faithfully promised to do. But Andy's usual destiny prevailed, and an + unfortunate exchange of parcels quite upset all Furlong's sweet little + plan of his pretty present and his ingenious note: for as Andy was just + taking his departure, Furlong said he might as well leave something for + him at Reade's, the cutler, as he passed through College Green, and he + handed him a case of razors which wanted setting, which Andy popped into + his pocket, and as the fan case and that of the razors were much of a + size, and both folded up, Andy left the fan at the cutler's and took the + case of razors by way of present to Augusta. Fancy the rage of a young + lady with a very fine pair of <i>moustachios</i> getting such a souvenir + from her lover, with a note, too, every word of which applied to a beard + and a razor, as patly as to a blush and a fan—and this, too, when + her jealousy was aroused and his fidelity more than doubtful in her + estimation. + </p> + <p> + Great was the row in Neck-or-Nothing Hall; and when, after three days, + Furlong came down, the nature of his reception may be better imagined than + described. It was a difficult matter, through the storm which raged around + him, to explain all the circumstances satisfactorily, but, by dint of hard + work, the verses were at length disclaimed, the razors disavowed, and Andy + at last sent for to “clear matters up.” + </p> + <p> + Andy was a hopeful subject for such a purpose, and by his blundering + answers nearly set them all by the ears again; the upshot of the affair + was, that Andy, used as he was to good scoldings, never had such a torrent + of abuse poured on him in his life, and the affair ended in Andy being + dismissed from Neck-or-Nothing Hall on the instant; so he relinquished his + greasy livery for his own rags again, and trudged homewards to his + mother's cabin. + </p> + <p> + “She'll be as mad as a hatter with me,” said Andy; “bad luck to them for + razhirs, they cut me out o' my place: but I often heard cowld steel is + unlucky, and sure I know it now. Oh! but I'm always unfort'nate in having + cruked messages. Well, it can't be helped; and one good thing at all + events is, I'll have time enough now to go and spake to Father Blake;” and + with this sorry piece of satisfaction poor Andy contented himself. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0007" id="link2HCH0007"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXVIII + </h2> + <p> + The Father Blake, of whom Andy spoke, was more familiarly known by the + name of Father Phil, by which title Andy himself would have named him, had + he been telling how Father Phil cleared a fair, or equally “leathered” + both the belligerent parties in a faction-fight, or turned out the + contents (or malcontents) of a public-house at an improper hour; but when + he spoke of his Reverence respecting ghostly matters, the importance of + the subject begot higher consideration for the man, and the familiar + “Father Phil” was dropped for the more respectful title of Father Blake. + By either title, or in whatever capacity, the worthy Father had great + influence over his parish, and there was a free-and-easy way with him, + even in doing the most solemn duties, which agreed wonderfully with the + devil-may-care spirit of Paddy. Stiff and starched formality in any way is + repugnant to the very nature of Irishmen; and I believe one of the surest + ways of converting all Ireland from the Romish faith would be found, if we + could only manage to have her mass celebrated with the dry coldness of the + Reformation. This may seem ridiculous at first sight, and I grant it is a + grotesque way of viewing the subject, but yet there may be truth in it; + and to consider it for a moment seriously, look at the fact, that the + north of Ireland is the stronghold of Protestantism, and that the north is + the <i>least</i> Irish portion of the island. There is a strong admixture + of Scotch there, and all who know the country will admit that there is + nearly as much difference between men from the north and south of Ireland + as from different countries. The Northerns retain much of the cold + formality and unbending hardness of the stranger-settlers from whom they + are descended, while the Southerns exhibit that warm-hearted, lively, and + poetical temperament for which the country is celebrated. The prevailing + national characteristics of Ireland are not to be found in the north, + where Protestantism flourishes; they are to be found in the south and + west, where it has never taken root. And though it has never seemed to + strike theologians, that in their very natures some people are more + adapted to receive one faith than another, yet I believe it to be true, + and perhaps not quite unworthy of consideration. There are forms, it is + true, and many in the Romish church, but they are not <i>cold</i> forms, + but <i>attractive</i> rather, to a sensitive people; besides, I believe + those very forms, when observed the least formally, are the most + influential on the Irish; and perhaps the splendours of a High Mass in the + gorgeous temple of the Holy City would appeal less to the affections of an + Irish peasant than the service he witnesses in some half-thatched ruin by + a lone hillside, familiarly hurried through by a priest who has sharpened + his appetite by a mountain ride of some fifteen miles, and is saying mass + (for the third time most likely) before breakfast, which consummation of + his morning's exercise he is anxious to arrive at. + </p> + <p> + It was just in such a chapel, and under such circumstances, that Father + Blake was celebrating the mass at which Andy was present, and after which + he hoped to obtain a word of advice from the worthy Father, who was much + more sought after on such occasions than his more sedate superior who + presided over the spiritual welfare of the parish—and whose solemn + celebration of the mass was by no means so agreeable as the lighter + service of Father Phil. The Rev. Dominick Dowling was austere and + long-winded; <i>his</i> mass had an oppressive effect on his congregation, + and from the kneeling multitude might be seen eyes fearfully looking up + from under bent brows, and low breathings and subdued groans often rose + above the silence of his congregation, who felt like sinners, and whose + imaginations were filled with the thoughts of Heaven's anger; while the + good-humoured face of the light-hearted Father Phil produced a + corresponding brightness on the looks of his hearers, who turned up their + whole faces in trustfulness to the mercy of that Heaven whose propitiatory + offering their pastor was making for them in cheerful tones, which + associated well with thoughts of pardon and salvation. + </p> + <p> + Father Dominick poured forth his spiritual influence like a strong dark + stream that swept down the hearer—hopelessly struggling to keep his + head above the torrent, and dreading to be overwhelmed at the next word. + Father Phil's religion bubbled out like a mountain rill—bright, + musical, and refreshing. Father Dominick's people had decidedly need of + cork jackets; Father Phil's might drink and be refreshed. + </p> + <p> + But with all this intrinsic worth, he was, at the same time, a strange man + in exterior manners; for, with an abundance of real piety, he had an + abruptness of delivery and a strange way of mixing up an occasional remark + to his congregation in the midst of the celebration of the mass, which + might well startle a stranger; but this very want of formality made him + beloved by the people, and they would do ten times as much for Father Phil + as for Father Dominick. + </p> + <p> + On the Sunday in question, when Andy attended the chapel, Father Phil + intended delivering an address to his flock from the altar, urging them to + the necessity of bestirring themselves in the repairs of the chapel, which + was in a very dilapidated condition, and at one end let in the rain + through its worn-out thatch. A subscription was necessary; and to raise + this among a very impoverished people was no easy matter. The weather + happened to be unfavourable, which was most favourable to Father Phil's + purpose, for the rain dropped its arguments through the roof upon the + kneeling people below in the most convincing manner; and as they + endeavoured to get out of the wet, they pressed round the altar as much as + they could, for which they were reproved very smartly by his Reverence in + the very midst of the mass, and these interruptions occurred sometimes in + the most serious places, producing a ludicrous effect, of which the worthy + Father was quite unconscious in his great anxiety to make the people + repair the chapel. + </p> + <p> + A big woman was elbowing her way towards the rails of the altar, and + Father Phil, casting a sidelong glance at her, sent her to the + right-about, while he interrupted his appeal to Heaven to address her + thus:—<i>“Agnus Dei</i>—you'd better jump over the rails of + the althar, I think. Go along out o' that, there's plenty o' room in the + chapel below there.” + </p> + <p> + Then he would turn to the altar, and proceed with the service, till + turning again to the congregation he perceived some fresh offender. + </p> + <p> + <i>“Orate, fratres!</i>—will you mind what I say to you and go along + out of that? there's room below there. Thrue for you, Mrs. Finn—it's + a shame for him to be thramplin' on you. Go along, Darby Casy, down there, + and kneel in the rain; it's a pity you haven't a dacent woman's cloak + undher you indeed!—<i>Orate, fratres!</i>” + </p> + <p> + Then would the service proceed again, and while he prayed in silence at + the altar, the shuffling of feet edging out of the rain would disturb him, + and casting a backward glance, he would say— + </p> + <p> + “I hear you there—can't you be quiet and not be disturbin' the mass, + you haythens?” + </p> + <p> + Again he proceeded in silence, till the crying of a child interrupted him. + He looked round quickly. + </p> + <p> + “You'd better kill the child, I think, thramplin' on him, Lavery. Go out + o' that—your conduct is scandalous—<i>Dominus vobiscum!</i>” + Again he turned to pray, and after some time he made an interval in the + service to address his congregation on the subject of the repairs, and + produced a paper containing the names of subscribers to that pious work + who had already contributed, by way of example to those who had not. + </p> + <p> + “Here it is,” said Father Phil, “here it is, and no denying it—down + in black and white; but if they who give are down in black, how much + blacker are those who have not given at all!—but I hope they will be + ashamed of themselves when I howld up those to honour who have contributed + to the uphowlding of the house of God. And isn't it ashamed o' yourselves + you ought to be, to leave His house in such a condition—and doesn't + it rain a'most every Sunday, as if He wished to remind you of your duty? + aren't you wet to the skin a'most every Sunday? Oh, God is good to you! to + put you in mind of your duty, giving you such bitther cowlds that you are + coughing and sneezin' every Sunday to that degree that you can't hear the + blessed mass for a comfort and a benefit to you; and so you'll go on + sneezin' until you put a good thatch on the place, and prevent the + appearance of the evidence from Heaven against you every Sunday, which is + condemning you before your faces, and behind your backs too, for don't I + see this minit a strame o' wather that might turn a mill running down + Micky Mackavoy's back, between the collar of his coat and his shirt?” + </p> + <p> + Here a laugh ensued at the expense of Micky Mackavoy, who certainly <i>was</i> + under a very heavy drip from the imperfect roof. + </p> + <p> + “And is it laughing you are, you haythens?” said Father Phil, reproving + the merriment which he himself had purposely created, <i>that he might + reprove it</i>. “Laughing is it you are—at your backslidings and + insensibility to the honour of God—laughing, because when you come + here to be <i>saved</i> you are <i>lost</i> intirely with the wet; and + how, I ask you, are my words of comfort to enter your hearts, when the + rain is pouring down your backs at the same time? Sure I have no chance of + turning your hearts while you are undher rain that might turn a mill—but + once put a good roof on the house, and I will inundate you with piety! + Maybe it's Father Dominick you would like to have coming among you, who + would grind your hearts to powdher with his heavy words.” (Here a low + murmur of dissent ran through the throng.) “Ha! ha! so you wouldn't like + it, I see. Very well, very well—take care then, for if I find you + insensible to my moderate reproofs, you hard-hearted haythens—you + malefacthors and cruel persecuthors, that won't put your hands in your + pockets, because your mild and quiet poor fool of a pasthor has no tongue + in his head!—I say your mild, quiet, poor fool of a pasthor (for I + know my own faults, partly, God forgive me!), and I can't spake to you as + you deserve, you hard-living vagabones, that are as insensible to your + duties as you are to the weather. I wish it was sugar or salt you were + made of, and then the rain might melt you if I couldn't: but no—them + naked rafthers grin in your face to no purpose—you chate the house + of God; but take care, maybe you won't chate the divil so aisy”—(here + there was a sensation). “Ha! ha! that makes you open your ears, does it? + More shame for you; you ought to despise that dirty enemy of man, and + depend on something betther—but I see I must call you to a sense of + your situation with the bottomless pit undher you, and no roof over you. + Oh dear! dear! dear!—I'm ashamed of you—troth, if I had time + and sthraw enough, I'd rather thatch the place myself than lose my time + talking to you; sure the place is more like a stable than a chapel. Oh, + think of that!—the house of God to be like a stable!—for + though our Redeemer, in his humility, was born in a stable, that is no + reason why you are to keep his house always like one. + </p> + <p> + “And now I will read you the list of subscribers, and it will make you + ashamed when you hear the names of several good and worthy Protestants in + the parish, and out of it, too, who have given more than the Catholics.” + </p> + <p> + He then proceeded to read the following list, which he interlarded + copiously with observations of his own; making <i>vivâ voce</i> marginal + notes as it were upon the subscribers, which were not unfrequently + answered by the persons so noticed, from the body of the chapel, and + laughter was often the consequence of these rejoinders, which Father Phil + never permitted to pass without a retort. Nor must all this be considered + in the least irreverent. A certain period is allowed between two + particular portions of the mass, when the priest may address his + congregation on any public matter: an approaching pattern, or fair, or the + like; in which, exhortations to propriety of conduct, or warnings against + faction fights, &c., are his themes. Then they only listen in + reverence. But when a subscription for such an object as that already + mentioned is under discussion, the flock consider themselves entitled to + “put in a word” in case of necessity. + </p> + <p> + This preliminary hint is given to the reader, that he may better enter + into the spirit of Father Phil's + </p> + <p> + SUBSCRIPTION LIST FOR THE REPAIRS AND ENLARGEMENT OF BALLY-SLOUGHGUTPHERY + CHAPEL + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + £ s. d. PHILIP BLAKE, P.P. + Micky Hicky 0 7 6 “He might as well have made ten + shillings: but half a loaf is betther + than no bread.” + + “Plase your reverence,” says + Mick, from the body of the chapel, + “sure seven and six-pence is more + than the half of ten shillings.” + (<i>A laugh</i>.) + + “Oh! how witty you are. 'Faith, + if you knew your duty as well as + your arithmetic, it would be betther + for you, Micky.” + + Here the Father turned the laugh + against Mick. + + £ s. d. + Bill Riley 0 3 4 “Of course he means to subscribe + again. + + £ s. d. + John Dwyer 0 15 0 “That's something like! I'll + be bound he's only keeping back + the odd five shillings for a brush + full o' paint for the althar; it's as + black as a crow, instead o' being as + white as a dove.” + + He then hurried over rapidly some + small subscribers as follows:— + + Peter Heffernan 0 1 8 + James Murphy 0 2 6 + Mat Donovan 0 1 3 + Luke Dannely 0 3 0 + Jack Quigly 0 2 1 + Pat Finnegan 0 2 2 + Edward O'Connor, Esq. 2 0 0 “There's for you! Edward + O'Connor, Esq., <i>a Protestant in the + parish</i>—Two pounds!” + + “Long life to him,” cried a voice + in the chapel. + + “Amen,” said Father Phil; “I'm + not ashamed to be clerk to so good + a prayer. + + Nicholas Fagan 0 2 6 + Young Nicholas Fagan 0 5 0 “Young Nick is better than owld + Nick, you see.” + + The congregation honoured the + Father's demand on their risibility. + + £ s. d. + Tim Doyle 0 7 6 + Owny Doyl 1 0 0 “Well done, Owny na Coppal—you + deserve to prosper for you + make good use of your thrivings. + + £ s. d. + Simon Leary 0 2 6 + Bridget Murphy 0 10 0 “You ought to be ashamed o' + yourself, Simon: a lone widow + woman gives more than you.” + + Simon answered, “I have a large + family, sir, and she has no childhre.” + + “That's not her fault,” said the + priest—“and maybe she'll mend o' + that yet.” This excited much + merriment, for the widow was buxom, + and had recently buried an old + husband, and, by all accounts, was + cocking her cap at a handsome young + fellow in the parish. + + £ s. d. + Judy Moylan 0 5 0 Very good, Judy; the women are + behaving like gentlemen; they'll + have their reward in the next world. + + Pat Finnerty 0 3 4 “I'm not sure if it is 8s. 4d. or + 3s. 4d., for the figure is blotted— + but I believe it is 8s. 4d.” + + “It was three and four pince + I gave your reverence,” said Pat + from the crowd. + + “Well, Pat, as I said eight and + four pence you must not let me go + back o' my word, so bring me five + shillings next week.” + + “Sure you wouldn't have me pay + for a blot, sir?” + + “Yes, I would—that's the rule + of back-mannon, you know, Pat. + When I hit the blot, you pay + for it.” + + Here his reverence turned round, + as if looking for some one, and + called out, “Rafferty! Rafferty! + Rafferty! Where are you, Rafferty?” + + An old grey-headed man appeared, + bearing a large plate, and Father + Phil continued— + + “There now, be active—I'm + sending him among you, good people, + and such as cannot give as + much as you would like to be read + before your neighbours, give what + little you can towards the repairs, + and I will continue to read out the + names by way of encouragement to + you, and the next name I see is + that of Squire Egan. Long life to + him! + £ s. d. + Squire Egan 5 0 0 “Squire Egan—five pounds— + listen to that—five pounds—a + Protestant in the parish—five + pounds! 'Faith, the Protestants will + make you ashamed of yourselves, if + we don't take care. + £ s. d. + Mrs. Flanagan 2 0 0 “Not her own parish, either—a + kind lady. + + £ s. d. + James Milligan + of Roundtown 1 0 0 “And here I must remark that + the people of Roundtown have not + been backward in coming forward + on this occasion. I have a long list + from Roundtown—I will read it + separate.” He then proceeded at a + great pace, jumbling the town and + the pounds and the people in a most + extraordinary manner: “James + Milligan of Roundtown, one pound; + Darby Daly of Roundtown, one + pound; Sam Finnigan of Roundtown, + one pound; James Casey of + Roundpound, one town; Kit Dwyer + of Townpound, one round—pound + I mane; Pat Roundpound—Pounden, + I mane—Pat Pounden a pound + of Poundtown also—there's an + example for you!—but what are you + about, Rafferty? <i>I don't like the + sound of that plate of yours</i>;— + you are not a good gleaner—go up + first into the gallery there, where I + see so many good-looking bonnets—I + suppose they will give something to + keep their bonnets out of the rain, + for the wet will be into the gallery + next Sunday if they don't. I think + that is Kitty Crow I see, getting her + bit of silver ready; them ribbons of + yours cost a trifle, Kitty. Well, + good Christians, here is more of the + subscription for you. + £ s. d. + Matthew Lavery 0 2 6 “<i>He</i> doesn't belong to + Roundtown—Roundtown will be renowned + in future ages for the support + of the Church. Mark my + words—Roundtown will prosper + from this day out—Roundtown + will be a rising place. + + Mark Hennessy 0 2 6 + Luke Clancy 0 2 6 + John Doolin 0 2 6 “One would think they all agreed + only to give two and sixpence apiece. + And they comfortable men, too! + And look at their names—Matthew, + Mark, Luke, and John, the + names of the Blessed Evangelists, + and only ten shillings among them! + Oh, they are apostles not worthy of + the name—we'll call them the <i>Poor + Apostles</i> from this out” (here a + low laugh ran through the chapel)— + “Do you hear that, Matthew, Mark, + Luke, and John? 'Faith! I can tell + you that name will stick to you.'” + (Here the laugh was louder.) + + A voice, when the laugh subsided, + exclaimed, “I'll make it ten + shillin's, your reverence.” + + “Who's that?” said Father Phil. + + “Hennessy, your reverence.” + + “Very well, Mark. I suppose + Matthew, Luke, and John will follow + your example?” + + “We will, your reverence.” + + “Ah! I thought you made a mistake; + we'll call you now the <i>Faithful + Apostles</i>—and I think the change + in the name is better than seven + and sixpence apiece to you. + + “I see you in the gallery there, + Rafferty. What do you pass that + well-dressed woman for?—thry back + —ha!—see that—she had her money + ready if you only asked for it—don't + go by that other woman + there—oh, oh!—So you won't give + anything, ma'am. You ought to be + ashamed of yourself. There is a + woman with an elegant sthraw bonnet, + and she won't give a farthing. + Well now—afther that—remember—I + give it from the althar, that + <i>from this day out sthraw bonnets + pay fi'penny pieces.</i> + + £ s. d. + Thomas Durfy, Esq. 1 0 0 “It's not his parish and he's a + brave gentleman. + + £ s. d. + Miss Fanny Dawson 1 0 0 “<i>A Protestant out of the parish</i>, + and a sweet young lady, God bless + her! Oh, 'faith, the Protestants is + shaming you!!! + + £ s. d. + Dennis Fannin 0 7 6 “Very good, indeed, for a working + mason.” + + Jemmy Riley 0 5 0 “Not bad for a hedge-carpenther.” + </pre> + <p> + “I gave you ten, plaze, your reverence,” shouted Jemmy, “and by the same + token, you may remember it was on the Nativity of the Blessed Vargin, sir, + I gave you the second five shillin's.” + </p> + <p> + “So you did, Jemmy,” cried Father Phil—“I put a little cross before + it, to remind me of it; but I was in a hurry to make a sick call when you + gave it to me, and forgot it after: and indeed myself doesn't know what I + did with that same five shillings.” + </p> + <p> + Here a pallid woman, who was kneeling near the rails of the altar, uttered + an impassioned blessing, and exclaimed, “Oh, that was the very five + shillings, I'm sure, you gave to me that very day, to buy some little + comforts for my poor husband, who was dying in the fever!”—and the + poor woman burst into loud sobs as she spoke. + </p> + <p> + A deep thrill of emotion ran through the flock as this accidental proof of + their poor pastor's beneficence burst upon them; and as an affectionate + murmur began to rise above the silence which that emotion produced, the + burly Father Philip blushed like a girl at this publication of his + charity, and even at the foot of that altar where he stood, felt something + like shame in being discovered in the commission of that virtue so highly + commended by the Holy One to whose worship the altar was raised. He + uttered a hasty “Whisht—whisht!” and waved with his outstretched + hands his flock into silence. + </p> + <p> + In an instant one of those sudden changes common to an Irish assembly, and + scarcely credible to a stranger, took place. The multitude was hushed—the + grotesque of the subscription list had passed away and was forgotten, and + that same man and that same multitude stood in altered relations—<i>they</i> + were again a reverent flock, and <i>he</i> once more a solemn pastor; the + natural play of his nation's mirthful sarcasm was absorbed in a moment in + the sacredness of his office; and with a solemnity befitting the highest + occasion, he placed his hands together before his breast, and raising his + eyes to Heaven he poured forth his sweet voice, with a tone of the deepest + devotion, in that reverential call to prayer, “<i>Orate</i>, <i>fratres</i>.” + </p> + <p> + The sound of a multitude gently kneeling down followed, like the soft + breaking of a quiet sea on a sandy beach; and when Father Philip turned to + the altar to pray, his pent-up feelings found vent in tears; and while he + prayed, he wept. + </p> + <p> + I believe such scenes as this are not of unfrequent occurrence in Ireland; + that country so long-suffering, so much maligned, and so little + understood. + </p> + <p> + Suppose the foregoing scene to have been only described antecedent to the + woman in the outbreak of her gratitude revealing the priest's charity, + from which he recoiled,—suppose the mirthfulness of the incidents + arising from reading the subscription-list—a mirthfulness bordering + on the ludicrous—to have been recorded, and nothing more, a stranger + would be inclined to believe, and pardonable in the belief, that the Irish + and their priesthood were rather prone to be irreverent; but observe, + under this exterior, the deep sources of feeling that lie hidden and wait + but the wand of divination to be revealed. In a thousand similar ways are + the actions and the motives of the Irish understood by those who are + careless of them; or worse, misrepresented by those whose interest, and + too often <i>business</i>, it is to malign them. + </p> + <p> + Father Phil could proceed no further with the reading of the + subscription-list, but finished the office of the mass with unusual + solemnity. But if the incident just recorded abridged his address, and the + publication of donors' names by way of stimulus to the less active, it + produced a great effect on those who had but smaller donations to drop + into the plate; and the grey-headed collector, who could have numbered the + scanty coin before the bereaved widow had revealed the pastor's charity, + had to struggle his way afterwards through the eagerly outstretched hands + that showered their hard-earned pence upon the plate, which was borne back + to the altar heaped with contributions, heaped as it had not been seen for + many a day. The studied excitement of their pride and their shame—and + both are active agents in the Irish nature—was less successful than + the accidental appeal to their affections. + </p> + <p> + Oh! rulers of Ireland, why have you not sooner learned to <i>lead</i> that + people by love, whom all your severity has been unable to <i>drive</i>? + [Footnote: When this passage was written Ireland was disturbed (as she has + too often been) by special parliamentary provocation:—the vexatious + vigilance of legislative lynxes—the peevishness of paltry + persecutors.] + </p> + <p> + When the mass was over, Andy waited at the door of the chapel to catch + “his riverence” coming out, and obtain his advice about what he overheard + from Larry Hogan; and Father Phil was accordingly accosted by Andy just as + he was going to get into his saddle to ride over to breakfast with one of + the neighbouring farmers, who was holding the priest's stirrup at the + moment. The extreme urgency of Andy's manner, as he pressed up to the + pastor's side, made the latter pause and inquire what he wanted. “I want + to get some advice from your riverence,” said Andy. + </p> + <p> + “'Faith, then, the advice I give you is never to stop a hungry man when he + is going to refresh himself,” said Father Phil, who had quite recovered + his usual cheerfulness, and threw his leg over his little grey hack as he + spoke. “How could you be so unreasonable as to expect me to stop here + listening to your case, and giving you advice indeed, when I have said + three masses [Footnote: The office of the mass must be performed fasting.] + this morning, and rode three miles; how could you be so unreasonable, I + say?” + </p> + <p> + “I ax your riverence's pardon,” said Andy; “I wouldn't have taken the + liberty, only the thing is mighty particular intirely.” + </p> + <p> + “Well, I tell you again, never ask a hungry man advice; for he is likely + to cut his advice on the patthern of his stomach, and it's empty advice + you'll get. Did you never hear that a 'hungry stomach has no ears'?” + </p> + <p> + The farmer who was to have the honour of the priest's company to breakfast + exhibited rather more impatience than the good-humoured Father Phil, and + reproved Andy for his conduct. + </p> + <p> + “But it's so particular,” said Andy. + </p> + <p> + “I wondher you would dar' to stop his riverence, and he black fastin'. Go + 'long wid you!” + </p> + <p> + “Come over to my house in the course of the week, and speak to me,” said + Father Phil, riding away. + </p> + <p> + Andy still persevered, and taking advantage of the absence of the farmer, + who was mounting his own nag at the moment, said the matter of which he + wished to speak involved the interests of Squire Egan, or he would not + “make so bowld.” + </p> + <p> + This altered the matter; and Father Phil desired Andy to follow him to the + farm-house of John Dwyer, where he would speak to him after he had + breakfasted. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0008" id="link2HCH0008"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXIX + </h2> + <p> + John Dwyer's house was a scene of activity that day, for not only was the + priest to breakfast there—always an affair of honour—but a + grand dinner was also preparing on a large scale; for a wedding-feast was + to be held in the house, in honour of Matty Dwyer's nuptials, which were + to be celebrated that day with a neighbouring young farmer, rather well to + do in the world. The match had been on and off for some time, for John + Dwyer was what is commonly called a “close-fisted fellow,” and his + would-be son-in-law could not bring him to what he considered proper + terms, and though Matty liked young Casey, and he was fond of her, they + both agreed not to let old Jack Dwyer have the best of the bargain in + portioning off his daughter, who, having a spice of her father in her, was + just as fond of <i>number one</i> as old Jack himself. And here it is + worthy of remark, that, though the Irish are so prone in general to early + and improvident marriages, no people are closer in their nuptial barter, + when they are in a condition to make marriage a profitable contract. + Repeated meetings between the elders of families take place, and acute + arguments ensue, properly to equalise the worldly goods to be given on + both sides. Pots and pans are balanced against pails and churns, cows + against horses, a slip of bog against a gravel-pit, or a patch of meadow + against a bit of a quarry; a little lime-kiln sometimes burns stronger + than the flame of Cupid—the doves of Venus herself are but crows in + comparison with a good flock of geese—and a love-sick sigh less + touching than the healthy grunt of a good pig; indeed, the last-named + gentleman is a most useful agent in this traffic, for when matters are + nearly poised, the balance is often adjusted by a grunter or two thrown + into either scale. While matters are thus in a state of debate, quarrels + sometimes occur between the lovers the gentleman's caution sometimes takes + alarm, and more frequently the lady's pride is aroused at the too obvious + preference given to worldly gain over heavenly beauty; Cupid shies at + Mammon, and Hymen is upset and left in the mire. + </p> + <p> + I remember hearing of an instance of this nature, when the lady gave her + <i>ci-devant</i> lover an ingenious reproof, after they had been separated + some time, when a marriage-bargain was broken off, because the lover could + not obtain from the girl's father a certain brown filly as part of her + dowry. The damsel, after the lapse of some weeks, met her swain at a + neighbouring fair, and the flame of love still smouldering in his heart + was re-illumined by the sight of his charmer, who, on the contrary, had + become quite disgusted with <i>him</i> for his too obvious preference of + profit to true affection. He addressed her softly in a tent, and asked her + to dance, but was most astonished at her returning him a look of vacant + wonder, which tacitly implied, <i>“Who are you?”</i> as plain as looks + could speak. + </p> + <p> + “Arrah, Mary,” exclaimed the youth. + </p> + <p> + “Sir!!!”—answered Mary, with what heroines call “ineffable disdain.” + </p> + <p> + “Why one would think you didn't know me!” + </p> + <p> + “If I ever had the honour of your acquaintance, sir,” answered Mary, “I + forget you entirely.” + </p> + <p> + “Forget me, Mary?—arrah be aisy—is it forget the man that was + courtin' and in love with you?” + </p> + <p> + “You're under a mistake, young man,” said Mary, with a curl of her rosy + lip, which displayed the pearly teeth to whose beauty her woman's nature + rejoiced that the recreant lover was not yet insensible—“You're + under a mistake, young man,” and her heightened colour made her eye flash + more brightly as she spoke—“you're quite under a mistake—no + one was ever in love with <i>me</i>;” and she laid signal emphasis on the + word. “There was a dirty mane blackguard, indeed, once <i>in love with my + father's brown filly,</i> but I forget him intirely.” + </p> + <p> + Mary tossed her head proudly as she spoke, and her filly-fancying admirer, + reeling under the reproof she inflicted, sneaked from the tent, while Mary + stood up and danced with a more open-hearted lover, whose earnest eye + could see more charms in one lovely woman than all the horses of Arabia. + </p> + <p> + But no such result as this was likely to take place in Matty Dwyer's case; + she and her lover agreed with one another on the settlement to be made, + and old Jack was not to be allowed an inch over what was considered an + even bargain. At length all matters were agreed upon, the wedding-day + fixed, and the guests invited; yet still both parties were not satisfied, + but young Casey thought he should be put into absolute possession of a + certain little farm and cottage, and have the lease looked over to see all + was right (for Jack Dwyer was considered rather slippery), while old Jack + thought it time enough to give him possession and the lease and his + daughter altogether. + </p> + <p> + However, matters had gone so far that, as the reader has seen, the + wedding-feast was prepared, the guests invited, and Father Phil on the + spot to help James and Matty (in the facetious parlance of Paddy) to “tie + with their tongues what they could not undo with their teeth.” + </p> + <p> + When the priest had done breakfast, the arrival of Andy was announced to + him, and Andy was admitted to a private audience with Father Phil, the + particulars of which must not be disclosed; for in short, Andy made a + regular confession before the Father, and, we know, confessions must be + held sacred; but we may say that Andy confided the whole post-office + affair to the pastor—told him how Larry Hogan had contrived to worm + that affair out of him, and by his devilish artifice had, as Andy feared, + contrived to implicate Squire Egan in the transaction, and, by threatening + a disclosure, got the worthy Squire into his villanous power. Andy, under + the solemn queries of the priest, positively denied having said one word + to Hogan to criminate the Squire, and that Hogan could only infer the + Squire's guilt; upon which Father Phil, having perfectly satisfied + himself, told Andy to make his mind easy, for that he would secure the + Squire from any harm, and he moreover praised Andy for the fidelity he + displayed to the interests of his old master, and declared he was so + pleased with him, that he would desire Jack Dwyer to ask him to dinner. + “And that will be no blind nut, let me tell you,” said Father Phil—“a + wedding dinner, you lucky dog—'lashings [Footnote: Overflowing + abundance, and plenty left after.] and lavings,' and no end of dancing + afther!” + </p> + <p> + Andy was accordingly bidden to the bridal feast, to which the guests began + already to gather thick and fast. They strolled about the field before the + house, basked in groups in the sunshine, or lay in the shade under the + hedges, where hints of future marriages were given to many a pretty girl, + and to nudges and pinches were returned small screams suggestive of + additional assault—and inviting denials of “Indeed I won't,” and + that crowning provocative to riotous conduct, “Behave yourself.” + </p> + <p> + In the meantime, the barn was laid out with long planks, supported on + barrels or big stones, which planks, when covered with clean cloths, made + a goodly board, that soon began to be covered with ample wooden dishes of + corned beef, roasted geese, boiled chickens and bacon, and intermediate + stacks of cabbage and huge bowls of potatoes, all sending up their wreaths + of smoke to the rafters of the barn, soon to become hotter from the crowd + of guests, who, when the word was given, rushed to the onslaught with + right good will. + </p> + <p> + The dinner was later than the hour named, and the delay arose from the + absence of one who, of all others, ought to have been present, namely, the + bridegroom. But James Casey was missing, and Jack Dwyer had been closeted + from time to time with several long-headed greybeards, canvassing the + occurrence, and wondering at the default on the bridegroom's part. The + person who might have been supposed to bear this default the worst + supported it better than any one. Matty was all life and spirits, and + helped in making the feast ready, as if nothing wrong had happened; and + she backed Father Phil's argument to sit down to dinner at once;—“that + if James Casey was not there, that was no reason dinner should be spoiled, + he'd be there soon enough; besides, if he didn't arrive in time, it was + better he should have good meat cold, than everybody have hot meat + spoiled: the ducks would be done to cindhers, the beef boiled to rags, and + the chickens be all in jommethry.” + </p> + <p> + So down they sat to dinner: its heat, its mirth, its clatter, and its good + cheer we will not attempt to describe; suffice it to say, the viands were + good, the guests hungry, and the drink unexceptionable; and Father Phil, + no bad judge of such matters, declared he never pronounced grace over a + better spread. But still, in the midst of the good cheer, neighbours (the + women particularly) would suggest to each other the “wondher” where the + bridegroom could be; and even within ear-shot of the bride elect, the + low-voiced whisper ran, of “Where in the world is James Casey?” + </p> + <p> + Still the bride kept up her smiles, and cheerfully returned the healths + that were drunk to her; but old Jack was not unmoved; a cloud hung on his + brow, which grew darker and darker as the hour advanced, and the + bridegroom yet tarried. The board was cleared of the eatables, and the + copious jugs of punch going their round; but the usual toast of the united + healths of the happy pair could not be given, for one of them was absent. + Father Phil hardly knew what to do; for even his overflowing cheerfulness + began to forsake him, and a certain air of embarrassment began to pervade + the whole assembly, till Jack Dwyer could bear it no longer, and, standing + up, he thus addressed the company:— + </p> + <p> + “Friends and neighbours, you see the disgrace that's put on me and my + child.” + </p> + <p> + A murmur of “No, no!” ran round the board. + </p> + <p> + “I say, yis.” + </p> + <p> + “He'll come yet, sir,” said a voice. + </p> + <p> + “No, he won't,” said Jack, “I see he won't—I know he won't. He + wanted to have everything all his own way, and he thinks to disgrace me in + doing what he likes, but he shan't”; and he struck the table fiercely as + he spoke; for Jack, when once his blood was up, was a man of desperate + determination. “He's a greedy chap, the same James Casey, and he loves his + bargain betther than he loves you, Matty, so don't look glum about what + I'm saying: I say he's greedy: he's just the fellow that, if you gave him + the roof off your house, would ax you for the rails before your door; and + he goes back of his bargain now, bekase I would not let him have it all + his own way, and puts the disgrace on me, thinkin' I'll give in to him, + through that same; but I won't. And I tell you what it is, friends and + neighbours; here's the lease of the three-cornered field below there,” and + he held up a parchment as he spoke, “and a snug cottage on it, and it's + all ready for the girl to walk into with the man that will have her; and + if there's a man among you here that's willing, let him say the word now, + and I'll give her to him!” + </p> + <p> + The girl could not resist an exclamation of surprise, which her father + hushed by a word and look so peremptory, that she saw remonstrance was in + vain, and a silence of some moments ensued; for it was rather startling, + this immediate offer of a girl who had been so strangely slighted, and the + men were not quite prepared to make advances, until they knew something + more of the why and wherefore of her sweetheart's desertion. + </p> + <p> + “Are yiz all dumb?” exclaimed Jack, in surprise. “Faix, it's not every day + a snug little field and cottage and a good-looking girl falls in a man's + way. I say again, I'll give her and the lase to the man that will say the + word.” + </p> + <p> + Still no one spoke, and Andy began to think they were using Jack Dwyer and + his daughter very ill, but what business had <i>he</i> to think of + offering himself, “a poor devil like him”? But, the silence still + continuing, Andy took heart of grace; and as the profit and pleasure of a + snug match and a handsome wife flushed upon him, he got up and said, + “Would I do, sir?” + </p> + <p> + Every one was taken by surprise, even old Jack himself; and Matty could + not suppress a faint exclamation, which every one but Andy understood to + mean “she didn't like it at all,” but which Andy interpreted quite the + other way, and he grinned his loutish admiration of Matty, who turned away + her head from him in sheer distaste, which action Andy took for mere + coyness. + </p> + <p> + Jack was in a dilemma, for Andy was just the last man he would have chosen + as a husband for his daughter; but what could he do? he was taken at his + word, and even at the worst he was determined that some one should marry + the girl out of hand, and show Casey the “disgrace should not be put on + him”; but, anxious to have another chance, he stammered something about + the fairness of “letting the girl choose,” and that “some one else might + wish to spake”; but the end of all was, that no one rose to rival Andy, + and Father Phil bore witness to the satisfaction he had that day in + finding so much uprightness and fidelity in “the boy”; that he had raised + his character much in his estimation by his conduct that day; and if he + was a little giddy betimes, there was nothing like a wife to steady him; + and if he was rather poor, sure Jack Dwyer could mend that. + </p> + <p> + “Then come up here,” says Jack; and Andy left his place at the very end of + the board and marched up to the head, amidst clapping of hands and + thumping of the table, and laughing and shouting. + </p> + <p> + “Silence!” cried Father Phil, “this is no laughing matther, but a serious + engagement—and, John Dwyer, I tell you—and you Andy Rooney, + that girl must not be married against her own free-will; but if she has no + objection, well and good.” + </p> + <p> + “My will is her pleasure, I know,” said Jack, resolutely. + </p> + <p> + To the surprise of every one, Matty said, “Oh, I'll take the boy with all + my heart!” + </p> + <p> + Handy Andy threw his arms round her neck and gave her a most vigorous + salute which came smacking off, and thereupon arose a hilarious shout + which made the old rafters of the barn ring again. + </p> + <p> + “There's the lase for you,” said Jack, handing the parchment to Andy, who + was now installed in the place of honour beside the bride elect at the + head of the table, and the punch circulated rapidly in filling to the + double toast of health, happiness, and prosperity to the “happy pair”; and + after some few more circuits of the enlivening liquor had been performed, + the women retired to the dwelling-house, whose sanded parlour was put in + immediate readiness for the celebration of the nuptial knot between Matty + and the adventurous Andy. + </p> + <p> + In half an hour the ceremony was performed, and the rites and blessings of + the Church dispensed between two people, who, an hour before, had never + looked on each other with thoughts of matrimony. + </p> + <p> + Under such circumstances it was wonderful with what lightness of spirit + Matty went through the honours consequent on a peasant bridal in Ireland: + these, it is needless to detail; our limits would not permit; but suffice + it to say, that a rattling country-dance was led off by Andy and Matty in + the barn, intermediate jigs were indulged in by the “picked dancers” of + the parish, while the country dancers were resting and making love (if + making love can be called rest) in the corners, and that the pipers and + punch-makers had quite enough to do until the night was far spent, and it + was considered time for the bride and bridegroom to be escorted by a + chosen party of friends to the little cottage which was to be their future + home. The pipers stood at the threshold of Jack Dwyer, and his daughter + departed from under the “roof-tree” to the tune of “Joy be with you”; and + then the lilters, heading the body-guard of the bride, plied drone and + chanter right merrily until she had entered her new home, thanked her old + friends (who did all the established civilities, and cracked all the usual + jokes attendant on the occasion); and Andy bolted the door of the snug + cottage of which he had so suddenly become master, and placed a seat for + the bride beside the fire, requesting <i>“Miss Dwyer”</i> to sit down—for + Andy could not bring himself to call her “Matty” yet—and found + himself in an awkward position in being “lord and master” of a girl he + considered so far above him a few hours before; Matty sat quiet, and + looked at the fire. + </p> + <p> + “It's very quare, isn't it?” says Andy with a grin, looking at her + tenderly, and twiddling his thumbs. + </p> + <p> + “What's quare?” inquired Matty, very drily. + </p> + <p> + “The estate,” responded Andy. + </p> + <p> + “What estate?” asked Matty. + </p> + <p> + “Your estate and my estate,” said Andy. + </p> + <p> + “Sure you don't call the three-cornered field my father gave us an estate, + you fool?” answered Matty. + </p> + <p> + “Oh no,” said Andy. “I mane the blessed and holy estate of matrimony the + priest put us in possession of;” and Andy drew a stool near the heiress, + on the strength of the hit he thought he had made. + </p> + <p> + “Sit at the other side of the fire,” said Matty, very coldly. + </p> + <p> + “Yes, miss,” responded Andy, very respectfully; and in shoving his seat + backwards the legs of the stool caught in the earthen floor, and Andy + tumbled heels over head. + </p> + <p> + Matty laughed while Andy was picking himself up with increased confusion + at this mishap; for even amidst rustics there is nothing more humiliating + than a lover placing himself in a ridiculous position at the moment he is + doing his best to make himself agreeable. + </p> + <p> + “It is well your coat's not new,” said Matty, with a contemptuous look at + Handy's weather-beaten vestment. + </p> + <p> + “I hope I'll soon have a betther,” said Andy, a little piqued, with all + his reverence for the heiress, at this allusion to his poverty. “But sure + it wasn't the coat you married, but the man that's in it; and sure I'll + take off my clothes as soon as you please, Matty, my dear—Miss + Dwyer, I mane—I beg your pardon.” + </p> + <p> + “You had better wait till you get better,” answered Matty, very drily. + “You know the old saying, 'Don't throw out your dirty wather until you get + in fresh.'” + </p> + <p> + “Ah, darlin', don't be cruel to me!” said Andy, in a supplicating tone. “I + know I'm not desarvin' of you, but sure I did not make so bowld as to make + up to you until I seen that nobody else would have you.” + </p> + <p> + “Nobody else have me!” exclaimed Matty, as her eyes flashed with anger. + </p> + <p> + “I beg your pardon, miss,” said poor Andy, who in the extremity of his own + humility had committed such an offence against Matty's pride. “I only + meant that—” + </p> + <p> + “Say no more about it,” said Matty, who recovered her equanimity. “Didn't + my father give you the lase of the field and house?” + </p> + <p> + “Yis, miss.” + </p> + <p> + “You had better let me keep it then; 'twill be safer with me than you.” + </p> + <p> + “Sartainly,” said Andy, who drew the lease from his pocket and handed it + to her, and—as he was near to her—he attempted a little + familiarity, which Matty repelled very unequivocally. + </p> + <p> + “Arrah! is it jokes you are crackin'?” said Andy, with a grin, advancing + to renew his fondling. + </p> + <p> + “I tell you what it is,” said Matty, jumping up, “I'll crack your head if + you don't behave yourself!” and she seized the stool on which she had been + sitting, and brandished it in a very amazonian fashion. + </p> + <p> + “Oh, wirra! wirra!” said Andy, in amaze—“aren't you my wife?” + </p> + <p> + “<i>Your</i> wife!” retorted Matty, with a very devil in her eye—“<i>Your</i> + wife, indeed, you great <i>omadhaun</i>; why, then, had you the brass to + think I'd put up with <i>you</i>?” + </p> + <p> + “Arrah, then, why did you marry me?” said Andy, in a pitiful argumentative + whine. + </p> + <p> + “Why did I marry you?” retorted Matty—“Didn't I know betther than + refuse you, when my father said the word <i>when the divil was busy with + him</i>? Why did I marry you?—it's a pity I didn't refuse, and be + murthered that night, maybe, as soon as the people's backs was turned. Oh, + it's little you know of owld Jack Dwyer, or you wouldn't ask me that; but, + though I'm afraid of him, I'm not afraid of you—so stand off I tell + you.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, Blessed Virgin!” cried Andy; “and what will be the end of it?” + </p> + <p> + There was a tapping at the door as he spoke. + </p> + <p> + “You'll soon see what will be the end of it,” said Matty, as she walked + across the cabin and opened to the knock. + </p> + <p> + James Casey entered and clasped Matty in his arms; and half a dozen + athletic fellows and one old and debauched-looking man followed, and the + door was immediately closed after their entry. + </p> + <p> + Andy stood in amazement while Casey and Matty caressed each other; and the + old man said in a voice tremulous with intoxication, “A very pretty filly, + by jingo!” + </p> + <p> + “I lost no time the minute I got your message, Matty,” said Casey, “and + here's the Father ready to join us.” + </p> + <p> + “Ay, ay,” cackled the old reprobate—“hammer and tongs!—strike + while the iron's hot!—I'm the boy for a short job”; and he pulled a + greasy book from his pocket as he spoke. + </p> + <p> + This was a degraded clergyman, known in Ireland under the title of + “Couple-Beggar,” who is ready to perform irregular marriages on such + urgent occasions as the present; and Matty had contrived to inform James + Casey of the desperate turn affairs had taken at home, and recommended him + to adopt the present plan, and so defeat the violent measure of her father + by one still more so. + </p> + <p> + A scene of uproar now ensued, for Andy did not take matters quietly, but + made a pretty considerable row, which was speedily quelled, however, by + Casey's bodyguard, who tied Andy neck and heels, and in that helpless + state he witnessed the marriage ceremony performed by the “couple-beggar,” + between Casey and the girl he had looked upon as his own five minutes + before. + </p> + <p> + In vain did he raise his voice against the proceeding; the “couple-beggar” + smothered his objections in ribald jests. + </p> + <p> + “You can't take her from me, I tell you,” cried Andy. + </p> + <p> + “No; but we can take you from her,” said the “couple-beggar”; and, at the + words, Casey's friends dragged Andy from the cottage, bidding a rollicking + adieu to their triumphant companion, who bolted the door after them and + became possessor of the wife and property poor Andy thought he had + secured. + </p> + <p> + To guard against an immediate alarm being given, Andy was warned on pain + of death to be silent as his captors bore him along, and he took them to + be too much men of their word to doubt they would keep their promise. They + bore him through a lonely by-lane for some time, and on arriving at the + stump of an old tree, bound him securely to it, and left him to pass his + wedding-night in the tight embraces of hemp. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0009" id="link2HCH0009"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXX + </h2> + <p> + The news of Andy's wedding, so strange in itself, and being celebrated + before so many, spread over the country like wildfire, and made the talk + of half the barony for the next day, and the question, “<i>Arrah, did you + hear of the wondherful wedding?</i>” was asked in high-road and by-road,—and + scarcely a <i>boreen</i> whose hedges had not borne witness to this + startling matrimonial intelligence. The story, like all other stories, of + course got twisted into various strange shapes, and fanciful exaggerations + became grafted on the original stem, sufficiently grotesque in itself; and + one of the versions set forth how old Jack Dwyer, the more to vex Casey, + had given his daughter the greatest fortune that ever had been heard of in + the country. + </p> + <p> + Now one of the open-eared people who had caught hold of the story by this + end happened to meet Andy's mother, and, with a congratulatory grin, began + with “The top o' the mornin' to you, Mrs. Rooney, and sure I wish you + joy.” + </p> + <p> + “Och hone, and for why, dear?” answered Mrs. Rooney, “sure, it's nothin' + but trouble and care I have, poor and in want, like me.” + </p> + <p> + “But sure you'll never be in want any more.” + </p> + <p> + “Arrah, who towld you so, agra?” + </p> + <p> + “Sure the boy will take care of you now, won't he?” + </p> + <p> + “What boy?” + </p> + <p> + “Andy, sure!” + </p> + <p> + “Andy!” replied his mother, in amazement. “Andy, indeed!—out o' + place, and without a bawbee to bless himself with!—stayin' out all + night, the blackguard!” + </p> + <p> + “By this and that, I don't think you know a word about it,” cried the + friend, whose turn it was for wonder now. + </p> + <p> + “Don't I, indeed?” said Mrs. Rooney, huffed at having her word doubted, as + she thought. “I tell you he never <i>was</i> at home last night, and maybe + it's yourself was helping him, Micky Lavery, to keep his bad coorses—the + slingein' dirty blackguard that he is.” + </p> + <p> + Micky Lavery set up a shout of laughter, which increased the ire of Mrs. + Rooney, who would have passed on in dignified silence but that Micky held + her fast, and when he recovered breath enough to speak, he proceeded to + tell her about Andy's marriage, but in such a disjointed way, that it was + some time before Mrs. Rooney could comprehend him—for his + interjectional laughter at the capital joke it was, that she should be the + last to know it, and that he should have the luck to tell it, sometimes + broke the thread of his story—and then his collateral observations + so disfigured the tale, that its incomprehensibility became very much + increased, until at last Mrs. Rooney was driven to push him by direct + questions. + </p> + <p> + “For the tendher mercy, Micky Lavery, make me sinsible, and don't + disthract me—is the boy married?” + </p> + <p> + “Yis, I tell you.” + </p> + <p> + “To Jack Dwyer's daughter?” + </p> + <p> + “Yis.” + </p> + <p> + “And gev him a fort'n'?” + </p> + <p> + “Gev him half his property, I tell you, and he'll have all when the owld + man's dead.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, more power to you, Andy!” cried his mother in delight: “it's you that + <i>is</i> the boy, and the best child that ever was! Half his property, + you tell me, <i>Misther</i> Lavery?” added she, getting distant and polite + the moment she found herself mother to a rich man, and curtailing her + familiarity with a poor one like Lavery. + </p> + <p> + “Yes, <i>ma'am</i>,” said Lavery, touching his hat, “and the whole of it + when the owld man dies.” + </p> + <p> + “Then indeed I wish him a happy relase!” [Footnote: A “happy release” is + the Irish phrase for departing this life] said Mrs. Rooney, piously—“not + that I owe the man any spite—but sure he'd be no loss—and it's + a good wish to any one, sure, to wish them in heaven. Good mornin', + Misther Lavery,” said Mrs. Rooney, with a patronising smile, and “going + the road with a dignified air.” + </p> + <p> + Mick Lavery looked after her with mingled wonder and indignation. “Bad + luck to you, you owld sthrap!” he muttered between his teeth. “How + consaited you are, all of a sudden—by Jakers, I'm sorry I towld you—cock + you up, indeed—put a beggar on horseback to be sure—humph!—the + devil cut the tongue out o' me if ever I give any one good news again. + I've a mind to turn back and tell Tim Dooling his horse is in the pound.” + </p> + <p> + Mrs. Rooney continued her dignified pace as long as she was in sight of + Lavery, but the moment an angle of the road screened her from his + observation, off she set, running as hard as she could, to embrace her + darling Andy, and realise with her own eyes and ears all the good news she + had heard. She puffed out by the way many set phrases about the goodness + of Providence, and arranged at the same time sundry fine speeches to make + to the bride; so that the old lady's piety and flattery ran a strange + couple together along with herself; while mixed up with her prayers and + her blarney, were certain speculations about Jack Dwyer—as to how + long he could <i>live</i>—and how much he might <i>leave</i>. + </p> + <p> + It was in this frame of mind she reached the hill which commanded a view + of the three-cornered field and the snug cottage, and down she rushed to + embrace her darling Andy and his gentle bride. Puffing and blowing like a + porpoise, bang she went into the cottage, and Matty being the first person + she met, she flung herself upon her, and covered her with embraces and + blessings. + </p> + <p> + Matty, being taken by surprise, was some time before she could shake off + the old beldame's hateful caresses; but at last getting free and tucking + up her hair, which her imaginary mother-in-law had clawed about her ears, + she exclaimed in no very gentle tones— + </p> + <p> + “Arrah, good woman, who axed for <i>your</i> company—who are you at + all?” + </p> + <p> + “Your mother-in-law, jewel!” cried the Widow Rooney, making another + open-armed rush at her beloved daughter-in-law; but Matty received the + widow's protruding mouth on her clenched fist instead of her lips, and the + old woman's nose coming in for a share of Matty's knuckles, a ruby stream + spurted forth, while all the colours of the rainbow danced before Mrs. + Rooney's eyes as she reeled backward on the floor. + </p> + <p> + “Take that, you owld faggot!” cried Matty, as she shook Mrs. Rooney's + tributary claret from the knuckles which had so scientifically tapped it, + and wiped her hand in her apron. + </p> + <p> + The old woman roared “millia' murthur” on the floor, and snuffled out a + deprecatory question “if that was the proper way to be received in her + son's house.” + </p> + <p> + “<i>Your</i> son's house, indeed!” cried Matty. “Get out o' the place, you + stack o' rags.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, Andy! Andy!” cried the mother, gathering herself up. + </p> + <p> + “Oh—that's it, is it!” cried Matty; “so it's Andy you want?” + </p> + <p> + “To be sure: why wouldn't I want him, you hussy? My boy! my darlin'! my + beauty!” + </p> + <p> + “Well, go look for him!” cried Matty, giving her a shove towards the door. + “Well, now, do you think I'll be turned out of my son's house so quietly + as that, you unnatural baggage?” cried Mrs. Rooney, facing round, + fiercely. Upon which a bitter altercation ensued between the women; in the + course of which the widow soon learnt that Andy was not the possessor of + Matty's charms: whereupon the old woman, no longer having the fear of + damaging her daughter-in-law's beauty before her eyes, tackled to for a + fight in right earnest, in the course of which some reprisals were made by + the widow in revenge for her broken nose; but Matty's youth and activity, + joined to her Amazonian spirit, turned the tide in her favour, though, had + not the old lady been blown by her long run, the victory would not have + been so easy, for she was a tough customer, and <i>left</i> Matty certain + marks of her favour that did not rub out in a hurry—while she took + <i>away</i> (as a keepsake) a handful of Matty's hair, by which she had + long held on till a successful kick from the gentle bride finally ejected + Mrs. Rooney from the house. + </p> + <p> + Off she reeled, bleeding and roaring, and while on her approach she had + been blessing Heaven and inventing sweet speeches for Matty, on her + retreat she was cursing fate and heaping all sorts of hard names on the + Amazon she came to flatter. Alas, for the brevity of human exultation! + </p> + <p> + How fared it in the meantime with Andy? He, poor devil! had passed a cold + night, tied up to the old tree, and as the morning dawned, every object + appeared to him through the dim light in a distorted form; the gaping + hollow of the old trunk to which he was bound seemed like a huge mouth, + opening to swallow him, while the old knots looked like eyes, and the + gnarled branches like claws, staring at and ready to tear him in pieces. + </p> + <p> + A raven, perched above him on a lonely branch, croaked dismally, till Andy + fancied he could hear words of reproach in the sounds, while a little + tomtit chattered and twittered on a neighbouring bough, as if he enjoyed + and approved of all the severe things the raven uttered. The little tomtit + was the worst of the two, just as the solemn reproof of the wise can be + better borne than the impertinent remark of some chattering fool. To these + imaginary evils was added the reality of some enormous water-rats that + issued from an adjacent pool and began to eat Andy's hat and shoes, which + had fallen off in his struggle with his captors; and all Andy's warning + ejaculations could not make the vermin abstain from his shoes and his hat, + which, to judge from their eager eating, could not stay their stomachs + long, so that Andy, as he looked on at the rapid demolition, began to + dread that they might transfer their favours from his attire to himself, + until the tramp of approaching horses relieved his anxiety, and in a few + minutes two horsemen stood before him—they were Father Phil and + Squire Egan. + </p> + <p> + Great was the surprise of the Father to see the fellow he had married the + night before, and whom he supposed to be in the enjoyment of his + honeymoon, tied up to a tree and looking more dead than alive; and his + indignation knew no bounds when he heard that a “couple-beggar” had dared + to celebrate the marriage ceremony, which fact came out in the course of + the explanation Andy made of the desperate misadventure which had befallen + him; but all other grievances gave way in the eyes of Father Phil to the + “couple-beggar.” + </p> + <p> + “A 'couple-beggar'!—the audacious vagabones!” he cried, while he and + the Squire were engaged in loosing Andy's bonds. “A 'couple-beggar' in my + parish! How fast they have tied him up, Squire!” he added, as he + endeavoured to undo a knot. “A 'couple-beggar,' indeed! I'll undo the + marriage!—have you a knife about you, Squire?—the blessed and + holy tie of matrimony!—it's a black knot, bad luck to it, and must + be cut—take your leg out o' that now—and wait till I lay my + hands on them—a 'couple-beggar' indeed!” + </p> + <p> + “A desperate outrage this whole affair has been!” said the Squire. + </p> + <p> + “But a 'couple-beggar,' Squire.” + </p> + <p> + “His house broken into—” + </p> + <p> + “But a 'couple-beggar'—” + </p> + <p> + “His wife taken from him—” + </p> + <p> + “But a 'couple-beggar'—” + </p> + <p> + “The laws violated—” + </p> + <p> + “But <i>my dues</i>, Squire—think o' that!—what would become + o' <i>them</i>, if 'couple-beggars' is allowed to show their audacious + faces in the parish. Oh, wait till next Sunday, that's all—I'll have + them up before the althar, and I'll make them beg God's pardon, and my + pardon, and the congregation's pardon, the audacious pair!” [Footnote: A + man and woman who had been united by a “couple-beggar” were called up one + Sunday by the priest in the face of the congregation, and summoned, as + Father Phil threatens above, to beg God's pardon, and the priest's pardon, + and the congregation's pardon; but the woman stoutly refused the last + condition. “I'll beg God's pardon and your Reverence's pardon,” she said, + “but I won't beg the congregation's pardon.” “You won't?” says the priest. + “I won't,” says she. “Oh you conthrairy baggage,” cried his Reverence: + “take her home out o' that,” said he to her husband who HAD humbled + himself—“take her home, and leather her well—for she wants it; + and if you don't leather her, you'll be sorry—for if you don't make + her afraid of you, she'll master YOU, too—take her home and leather + her.”—FACT.] + </p> + <p> + “It's an assault on Andy,” said the Squire. + </p> + <p> + “It's a robbery on me,” said Father Phil. + </p> + <p> + “Could you identify the men?” said the Squire. + </p> + <p> + “Do you know the 'couple-beggar'?” said the priest. + </p> + <p> + “Did James Casey lay his hands on you?” said the Squire; “for he's a good + man to have a warrant against.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, Squire, Squire!” ejaculated Father Phil; “talking of laying hands on + <i>him</i> is it you are?—didn't that blackguard 'couple-beggar' lay + his dirty hands on a woman that my bran new benediction was upon! Sure, + they'd do anything after that!” By this time Andy was free, and having + received the Squire's directions to follow him to Merryvale, Father Phil + and the worthy Squire were once more in their saddles and proceeded + quietly to the same place, the Squire silently considering the audacity of + the <i>coup-de-main</i> which robbed Andy of his wife, and his reverence + puffing out his rosy cheeks and muttering sundry angry sentences, the only + intelligible words of which were “couple-beggar.” + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0010" id="link2HCH0010"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXXI + </h2> + <p> + Doubtless the reader has anticipated that the presence of Father Phil in + the company of the Squire at this immediate time was on account of the + communication made by Andy about the post-office affair. Father Phil had + determined to give the Squire freedom from the strategetic coil in which + Larry Hogan had ensnared him, and lost no time in setting about it; and it + was on his intended visit to Merryvale that he met its hospitable owner, + and telling him there was a matter of some private importance he wished to + communicate, suggested a quiet ride together; and this it was which led to + their traversing the lonely little lane where they discovered Andy, whose + name was so principal in the revelations of that day. + </p> + <p> + To the Squire those revelations were of the dearest importance; for they + relieved his mind from a weight which had been oppressing it for some + time, and set his heart at rest. Egan, it must be remarked, was an odd + mixture of courage and cowardice: undaunted by personal danger, but + strangely timorous where moral courage was required. A remarkable shyness, + too, made him hesitate constantly in the utterance of a word which might + explain away any difficulty in which he chanced to find himself; and this + helped to keep his tongue tied in the matter where Larry Hogan had + continued to make himself a bugbear. He had a horror, too, of being + thought capable of doing a dishonourable thing, and the shame he felt at + having peeped into a letter was so stinging, that the idea of asking any + one's advice in the dilemma in which he was placed made him recoil from + the thought of such aid. Now, Father Phil had relieved him from the + difficulties his own weakness imposed; the subject had been forced upon + him; and once forced to speak he made a full acknowledgment of all that + had taken place; and when he found Andy had not borne witness against him, + and that Larry Hogan only <i>inferred</i> his participation in the + transaction, he saw on Father Phil's showing that he was not really in + Larry Hogan's power; for though he admitted he had given Larry a trifle of + money from time to time when Larry asked for it, under the influence of + certain innuendoes, yet that was no proof against him; and Father Phil's + advice was to get Andy out of the way as soon as possible, and then to set + Larry quietly at defiance—that is to say, in Father Phil's own + words, “to keep never minding him.” + </p> + <p> + Now Andy not being encumbered with a wife (as fate had so ordained it) + made the matter easier, and the Squire and the Father, as they rode + towards Merryvale together to dinner, agreed to pack off Andy without + delay, and thus place him beyond Hogan's power; and as Dick Dawson was + going to London with Murphy, to push the petition against Scatterbrain's + return, it was looked upon as a lucky chance, and Andy was at once named + to bear them company. + </p> + <p> + “But you must not let Hogan know that Andy is sent away under your + patronage, Squire,” said the Father, “for that would be presumptive + evidence you had an interest in his absence; and Hogan is the very + blackguard would see it fast enough, for he is a knowing rascal.” + </p> + <p> + “He's the deepest scoundrel I ever met,” said the Squire. + </p> + <p> + “As knowing as a jailer,” said Father Phil. “A jailer, did I say—by + dad, he bates any jailer I ever heard of—for that fellow is so + 'cute, he <i>could keep Newgate with a book and eye.”</i> + </p> + <p> + “By-the-bye, there's one thing I forgot to tell you, respecting those + letters I threw into the fire; for remember, Father, I only peeped into <i>one</i> + and destroyed the others; but one of the letters, I must tell you, was + directed to yourself.” + </p> + <p> + “'Faith, then, I forgive you that, Squire,” said Father Phil, “for I hate + letters; but if you have any scruple of conscience on the subject, write + me one yourself, and that will do as well.” + </p> + <p> + The Squire could not help thinking the Father's mode of settling the + difficulty worthy of Handy Andy himself; but he did not tell the Father + so. + </p> + <p> + They had now reached Merryvale, where the good-humoured priest was + heartily welcomed, and where Doctor Growling, Dick Dawson, and Murphy were + also guests at dinner. Great was the delight of the party at the history + they heard, when the cloth was drawn, of Andy's wedding, so much in + keeping with his former life and adventures, and Father Phil had another + opportunity of venting his rage against the “couple-beggar.” + </p> + <p> + “That was but a slip-knot you tied, Father,” said the doctor. + </p> + <p> + “Aye, aye! joke away, doctor.” + </p> + <p> + “Do you think, Father Phil,” said Murphy, “that <i>that</i> marriage was + made in heaven, where we are told marriages <i>are</i> made?” + </p> + <p> + “I don't suppose it was, Mr. Murphy; for if it had it would have held upon + earth.” + </p> + <p> + “Very well answered, Father,” said the Squire. + </p> + <p> + “I don't know what other people think about matches being made in heaven,” + said Growling, “but I have my suspicions they are sometimes made in + another place.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, fie, doctor!” said Mrs. Egan. + </p> + <p> + “The doctor, ma'am, is an old bachelor,” said Father Phil, “or he wouldn't + say so.” + </p> + <p> + “Thank you, Father Phil, for so polite a speech.” + </p> + <p> + The doctor took his pencil from his pocket and began to write on a small + bit of paper, which the priest observing, asked him what he was about, “or + is it writing a prescription you are,” said he, “for compounding better + marriages than I can?” + </p> + <p> + “Something very naughty, I dare say, the doctor is doing,” said Fanny + Dawson. + </p> + <p> + “Judge for yourself, lady fair,” said the doctor, handing Fanny the slip + of paper. + </p> + <p> + Fanny looked at it for a moment and smiled, but declared it was very + wicked indeed. + </p> + <p> + “Then read it for the company, and condemn me out of your own pretty + mouth, Miss Dawson,” said the doctor. + </p> + <p> + “It is too wicked.” + </p> + <p> + “If it is ever so wicked,” said Father Phil, “the wickedness will be + neutralised by being read by an angel.” + </p> + <p> + “Well done, St. Omer's,” cried Murphy. + </p> + <p> + “Really, Father,” said Fanny, blushing, “you are desperately gallant + to-day, and just to shame you, and show how little of an angel I am, I <i>will</i> + read the doctor's epigram:— + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 'Though matches are all made in heaven, they say, + Yet Hymen, who mischief oft hatches, + Sometimes deals with the house <i>t'other side of the way</i>, + And <i>there</i> they make <i>Lucifer</i> matches.'” + </pre> + <p> + “Oh, doctor! I'm afraid you are a woman-hater,” said Mrs. Egan. “Come + away, Fanny, I am sure they want to get rid of us.” + </p> + <p> + “Yes,” said Fanny, rising and joining her sister, who was leaving the + room, “and now, after abusing poor Hymen, gentlemen, we leave you to your + favourite worship of Bacchus.” + </p> + <p> + The departure of the ladies changed the conversation, and after the + gentlemen had resumed their seats, the doctor asked Dick Dawson how soon + he intended going to London. + </p> + <p> + “I start immediately,” said Dick. “Don't forget to give me that letter of + introduction to your friend in Dublin, whom I long to know.” + </p> + <p> + “Who is he?” asked the Squire. + </p> + <p> + “One Tom Loftus—or, as his friends call him, 'Piping Tom,' from his + vocal powers; or, as some nickname him, '<i>Organ</i> Loftus,' from his + imitation of that instrument, which is an excessively comical piece of + caricature.” + </p> + + <div class="fig" style="width:80%"> + <img alt="organ_loftus (128K)" src="images/organ_loftus.jpg" width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + “Oh! I know him well,” said Father Phil. + </p> + <p> + “How did you manage to become acquainted with him?” inquired the doctor, + “for I did not think he lay much in your way.” + </p> + <p> + “It was <i>he</i> became acquainted with me,” said Father Phil, “and this + was the way of it—he was down on a visit betimes in the parish I was + in before this, and his behaviour was so wild that I was obliged to make + an allusion in the chapel to his indiscretions, and threaten to make his + conduct a subject of severe public censure if he did not mind his manners + a little better. Well, my dear, who should call on me on the Monday + morning after but Misther Tom, all smiles and graces, and protesting he + was sorry he fell under my displeasure, and hoping I would never have + cause to find fault with him again. Sure, I thought he was repenting of + his misdeeds, and I said I was glad to hear such good words from him. 'A' + then, Father,' says he, 'I hear you have got a great curiosity from Dublin—a + shower-bath, I hear?' So I said I had: and indeed, to be candid, I was as + proud as a peacock of the same bath, which tickled my fancy when I was + once in town, and so I bought it. 'Would you show it to me?' says he. 'To + be sure,' says I, and off I went, like a fool, and put the wather on the + top, and showed him how, when a string was pulled, down it came—and + he pretended not clearly to understand the thing, and at last he said, + 'Sure it's not into that sentry-box you get?' says he. 'Oh yes,' said I, + getting into it quite innocent; when, my dear, he slaps the door and + fastens it on me, and pulls the string and souses me with the water, and I + with my best suit of black on me. I roared and shouted inside while + Misther Tom Loftus was screechin' laughing outside, and dancing round the + room with delight. At last, when he could speak, he said, 'Now, Father, + we're even,' says he, 'for the abuse you gave me yesterday,' and off he + ran.” + </p> + <p> + “That's just like him,” said old Growling, chuckling; “he's a queer devil. + I remember on one occasion a poor dandy puppy, who was in the same office + with him—for Tom is in the Ordnance department, you must know—this + puppy, sir, wanted to go to the Ashbourne races and cut a figure in the + eyes of a rich grocer's daughter he was sweet upon.” + </p> + <p> + “Being sweet upon a grocer's daughter,” said Murphy, “is like bringing + coals to Newcastle.” + </p> + <p> + “'Faith! it was coals to Newcastle with a vengeance, in the present case, + for the girl would have nothing to say to him, and Tom had great delight + whenever he could annoy this poor fool in his love-making plots. So, when + he came to Tom to ask for the loan of his horse, Tom said he should have + him <i>if he could make the smallest use of him</i>—'but I don't + think you can,' said Tom. 'Leave that to me,' said the youth. 'I don't + think you could make him go,' said Tom. 'I'll buy a new pair of spurs,' + said the puppy. 'Let them be handsome ones,' said Tom. 'I was looking at a + very handsome pair at Lamprey's, yesterday,' said the young gentleman. + 'Then you can buy them on your way to my stables,' said Tom; and sure + enough, sir, the youth laid out his money on a very costly pair of + persuaders, and then proceeded homewards with Tom. 'Now, with all your + spurs,' said Tom, 'I don't think you'll be able to make him go.' 'Is he so + very vicious, then?' inquired the youth, who began to think of his neck. + 'On the contrary,' said Tom, 'he's perfectly quiet, but won't go for <i>you</i>, + I'll bet a pound.' 'Done!' said the youth. 'Well, try him,' said Tom, as + he threw open the stable door. 'He's lazy, I see,' said the youth; 'for + he's lying down.' 'Faith, he is,' said Tom, 'and hasn't got up these two + days!' 'Get up, you brute!' said the innocent youth, giving a smart cut of + his whip on the horse's flank; but the horse did not budge. '<i>Why, he's + dead!</i>' says he. 'Yes,' says Tom, 'since Monday last. So I don't think + you can make him go, and you've lost your bet!'” + </p> + <p> + “That was hardly a fair joke,” said the Squire. + </p> + <p> + “Tom never stops to think of that,” returned the doctor; “he's the oddest + fellow I ever knew. The last time I was in Dublin, I called on Tom and + found him one bitter cold and stormy morning standing at an open window, + nearly quite undressed. On asking him what he was about, he said he was <i>getting + up a bass voice</i>; that Mrs. Somebody, who gave good dinners and bad + concerts, was disappointed of her bass singer, 'and I think,' said Tom, + 'I'll be hoarse enough in the evening to take double B flat. Systems are + the fashion now,' said he; 'there is the Logierian system and other + systems, and mine is the Cold-air-ian system, and the best in the world + for getting up a bass voice.'” + </p> + <p> + “That was very original certainly,” said the Squire. + </p> + <p> + “But did you ever hear of his adventure with the Duke of Wellington?” said + the doctor. + </p> + <p> + “The Duke!” they all exclaimed. + </p> + <p> + “Yes—that is, when he was only Sir Arthur Wellesley. Well, I'll tell + you.” + </p> + <p> + “Stop,” said the Squire, “a fresh story requires a fresh bottle. Let me + ring for some claret.” + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0011" id="link2HCH0011"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXXII + </h2> + <p> + The servant who brought in the claret announced at the same time the + arrival of a fresh guest in the person of “Captain Moriarty,” who was + welcomed by most of the party by the name of Randal. The Squire regretted + he was too late for dinner, inquiring at the same time if he would like to + have something to eat at the side-table; but Randal declined the offer, + assuring the Squire he had got some refreshment during the day while he + had been out shooting; but as the sport led, him near Merryvale, and “he + had a great thirst upon him,” he did not know a better house in the + country wherein to have “that same” satisfied. + </p> + <p> + “Then you're just in time for some cool claret,” said the Squire; “so sit + down beside the doctor, for he must have the first glass and broach the + bottle, before he broaches the story he's going to tell us—that's + only fair.” + </p> + <p> + The doctor filled his glass, and tasted. “What a nice <i>'chateau,' + 'Margaux''</i> must be,” said he, as he laid down his glass. “I should like + to be a tenant-at-will there, at a small rent.” + </p> + <p> + “And no taxes,” said Dick. + </p> + <p> + “Except my duty to the claret,” replied the doctor. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 'My favourite chateau, + Is that of Margaux.' +</pre> + <p> + “By-the-bye, talking of <i>chateau</i>, there's the big brewer over at the + town, who is anxious to affect gentility, and he heard some one use the + word <i>chapeau</i>, and having found out it was the French for <i>hat</i>, + he determined to show off on the earliest possible occasion, and selected + a public meeting of some sort to display his accomplishment. Taking some + cause of objection to the proceedings, as an excuse for leaving the + meeting, he said, 'Gentlemen, the fact is I can't agree with you, so I may + as well take my <i>chateau</i> under my arm at once, and walk.'” + </p> + <p> + “Is not that an invention of your own, doctor?” said the Squire. + </p> + <p> + “I heard it for fact,” said Growling. + </p> + <p> + “And 't is true,” added Murphy, “for I was present when he said it. And at + an earlier part of the proceedings he suggested that the parish clerk + should read the resolutions, because he had a good '<i>laudable</i> + voice.'” + </p> + <p> + “A parish clerk ought to have,” said the doctor—“eh, Father Phil?—'<i>Laudamus!</i>'” + </p> + <p> + “Leave your Latin,” said Dick, “and tell us that story you promised about + the Duke and Tom Loftus.” + </p> + <p> + “Right, Misther Dick,” said Father Phil. + </p> + <p> + “The story, doctor,” said the Squire. + </p> + <p> + “Oh, don't make such bones about it,” said Growling; “'tis but a trifle + after all; only it shows you what a queer and reckless rascal Tom is. I + told you he was called '<i>Organ</i>' Loftus by his friends, in + consequence of the imitation he makes of that instrument; and it certainly + is worth hearing and seeing, for your eyes have as much to do with the + affair as your ears. Tom plants himself on a high office-stool, before one + of those lofty desks with long rows of drawers down each side and a hole + between to put your legs under. Well, sir, Tom pulls out the top drawers, + like the stops of an organ, and the lower ones by way of pedals: and then + he begins thrashing the desk like the finger-board of an organ with his + hands, while his feet kick away at the lower drawers as if he were the + greatest pedal performer out of Germany, and he emits a rapid succession + of grunts and squeaks, producing a ludicrous reminiscence of the + instrument, which I defy any one to hear without laughing. Several sows + and an indefinite number of sucking pigs could not make a greater noise, + and Tom himself declares he studied the instrument in a pigsty, which he + maintains gave the first notion of an organ. Well, sir, the youths in the + office assist in 'doing the service,' as they call it, that is, making an + imitation of the chanting and so forth in St. Patrick's Cathedral.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, the haythens!” said Father Phil. + </p> + <p> + “One does Spray, and another Weyman, and another Sir John Stevenson, and + so on; and they go on responsing and singing 'Amen' till the Ordnance + Office rings again.” + </p> + <p> + “Have they nothing better to do?” asked the Squire. + </p> + <p> + “Very little but reading the papers,” said the doctor. + </p> + <p> + “Well—Tom—you must know, sir—was transferred some time + ago, by the interest of many influential friends, to the London + department; and the fame of his musical powers had gone before him from + some of the English clerks in Ireland who had been advanced to the higher + posts in Dublin, and kept up correspondence with their old friends in + London; and it was not long until Tom was requested to go through an + anthem on the great office-desk. Tom was only too glad to be asked, and he + kept the whole office in a roar for an hour with all the varieties of the + instrument—from the diapason to the flute-stop—and the devil a + more business was done in the office <i>that</i> day, and Tom before long + made the sober English fellows as great idlers as the chaps in Dublin. + Well—it was not long until a sudden flush of business came upon the + department, in consequence of the urgent preparations making for supplies + to Spain, at the time the Duke was going there to take the command of the + army, and organ-playing was set aside for some days; but the fellows, + after a week's abstinence, began to yearn for it and Tom was requested to + 'do the service.' Tom, nothing loath, threw aside his official papers, set + up a big ledger before him, and commenced his legerdemain, as he called + it, pulled out his stops, and began to work away like a weaver, while + every now and then he swore at the bellows-blower for not giving him wind + enough, whereupon the choristers would kick the bellows-blower to + accelerate his flatulency. Well, sir, they were in the middle of the + service, and all the blackguards making the responses in due season, when, + just as Tom was quivering under a portentous grunt, which might have + shamed the principal diapason of Harlaem, and the subs were drawing out a + resplendent 'A-a-a-men,' the door opened, and in walked a smart-looking + gentleman, with rather a large nose and quick eye, which latter glanced + round the office, where a sudden endeavour was made by everybody to get + back to his place. The smart gentleman seemed rather surprised to see a + little fat man blowing at a desk instead of the fire, and long Tom + kicking, grunting, and squealing like mad. The bellows-blower was so taken + by surprise he couldn't stir, and Tom, having his back to them, did not + see what had taken place, and went on as if nothing had happened, till the + smart gentleman went up to him, and tapping on Tom's desk with a little + riding-whip, he said, 'I'm sorry to disturb you, sir, but I wish to know + what you're about.' 'We're doing the service, sir,' said Tom, no ways + abashed at the sight of the stranger, for he did not know it was Sir + Arthur Wellesley was talking to him. 'Not the <i>public</i> service, sir,' + said Sir Arthur. 'Yes, sir,' said Tom, 'the service as by law established + in the second year of the reign of King Edward the Sixth,' and he favoured + the future hero of Waterloo with a touch of the organ. 'Who is the head of + this office?' inquired Sir Arthur. Tom, with a very gracious bow, replied, + 'I am principal organist, sir, and allow me to introduce you to the + principal bellows-blower'—and he pointed to the poor little man who + let the bellows fall from his hand as Sir Arthur fixed his eyes on him. + Tom did not perceive till now that all the clerks were taken with a sudden + fit of industry, and were writing away for the bare life; and he cast a + look of surprise round the office while Sir Arthur was looking at the + bellows-blower. One of the clerks made a wry face at Tom, which showed him + all was not right. 'Is this the way His Majesty's service generally goes + on here?' said Sir Arthur, sharply. No one answered; but Tom saw, by the + long faces of the clerks and the short question of the visitor, that he + was <i>somebody</i>. + </p> + <p> + “'Some transports are waiting for ordnance stores, and I am referred to + this office,' said Sir Arthur; 'can any one give me a satisfactory + answer?' + </p> + <p> + “The senior clerk present (for the head of the office was absent) came + forward and said, 'I believe, sir——' + </p> + <p> + “'You <i>believe</i>, but you don't <i>know</i>,' said Sir Arthur; 'so I + must wait for stores while you are playing tomfoolery here. I'll report + this.' Then producing a little tablet and a pencil, he turned to Tom and + said, 'Favour me with your name, sir?' + </p> + <p> + “'I give you my honour, sir,' said Tom. + </p> + <p> + “'I'd rather you'd give me the stores, sir,—I'll trouble you for + your name?' + </p> + <p> + “'Upon my honour, sir,' said Tom, again. + </p> + <p> + “'You seem to have a great deal of that article on your hands, sir,' said + Sir Arthur: 'you're an Irishman, I suppose?' + </p> + <p> + “'Yes, sir,' said Tom. + </p> + <p> + “'I thought so. Your name?' + </p> + <p> + “'Loftus, sir.' + </p> + <p> + “'Ely family?' + </p> + <p> + “'No, sir.' + </p> + <p> + “'Glad of it.' + </p> + <p> + “He put up his tablet after writing the name. + </p> + <p> + “'May I beg the favour to know, sir,' said Tom, 'to whom I have the honour + of addressing myself?' “'Sir Arthur Wellesley, sir.' + </p> + <p> + “'Oh! J—-s!' cried Tom, 'I'm done!' + </p> + <p> + “Sir Arthur could not help laughing at the extraordinary change in Tom's + countenance; and Tom, taking advantage of this relaxation in his iron + manner, said in a most penitent tone, 'Oh, Sir Arthur Wellesley, only + forgive me this time, and 'pon my <i>sowl</i> says he—with the + richest brogue—'I'll play a <i>Te Deum</i> for the first licking you + give the French.' Sir Arthur smiled and left the office.” + </p> + <p> + “Did he report as he threatened?” asked the Squire. + </p> + <p> + “'Faith, he did.” + </p> + <p> + “And Tom?” inquired Dick. + </p> + <p> + “Was sent back to Ireland, sir.” + </p> + <p> + “That was hard, after the Duke smiled at him,” said Murphy. + </p> + <p> + “Well, he did not let him suffer in pocket; he was transferred at as a + good a salary to a less important department, but you know the Duke has + been celebrated all his life for never overlooking a breach of duty.” + </p> + <p> + “And who can blame him?” said Moriarty. + </p> + <p> + “One great advantage of the practice has been,” said the Squire, “that no + man has been better served. I remember hearing a striking instance of + what, perhaps, might be called severe justice, which he exercised on a + young and distinguished officer of artillery in Spain; and though one + cannot help pitying the case of the gallant young fellow who was the + sacrifice, yet the question of strict duty, <i>to the very word</i>, was + set at rest for ever under the Duke's command, and it saved much <i>after</i>-trouble + by making every officer satisfied, however fiery his courage or tender his + sense of being suspected of the white feather, that implicit obedience was + the course he <i>must</i> pursue. The case was this:—the army was + going into action——” “What action was it?” inquired Father + Phil, with that remarkable alacrity which men of peace evince in hearing + the fullest particulars about war, perhaps because it is forbidden to + their cloth; one of the many instances of things acquiring a fictitious + value by being interdicted—just as Father Phil himself might have + been a Protestant only for the penal laws. + </p> + <p> + “I don't know what action it was,” said the Squire, “nor the officer's + name—for I don't set up for a military chronicler; but it was, as I + have been telling you, going into action that the Duke posted an officer, + with his six guns, at a certain point, telling him to remain there until + he had orders from <i>him</i>. Away went the rest of the army, and the + officer was left doing nothing at all, which he didn't like; for he was + one of those high-blooded gentlemen who are never so happy as when they + are making other people miserable, and he was longing for the head of a + French column to be hammering away at. In half an hour or so he heard the + distant sound of action, and it approached nearer and nearer, until he + heard it close behind him; and he wondered rather that he was not invited + to take a share in it, when, pat to his thought, up came an <i>aide-de-camp</i> + at full speed, telling him that General Somebody ordered him to bring up + his guns. The officer asked did not the order come from Lord Wellington? + The <i>aide-de-camp</i> said no, but from the General, whoever he was. The + officer explained that he was placed there by Lord Wellington, under + command not to move, unless by <i>an order from himself</i>. The <i>aide-de-camp</i> + stated that the General's entire brigade was being driven in and must be + annihilated without the aid of the guns, and asked, 'would he let a whole + brigade be slaughtered?' in a tone which wounded the young soldier's + pride, savouring, as he thought it did, of an imputation on his courage. + He immediately ordered his guns to move and joined battle with the + General; but while he was away, an <i>aide-de-camp</i> from Lord + Wellington rode up to where the guns <i>had been posted,</i> and, of + course, no gun was to be had for the service which Lord Wellington + required. Well, the French were repulsed, as it happened; but the want of + those six guns seriously marred a preconcerted movement of the Duke's, and + the officer in command of them was immediately brought to a court-martial, + and would have lost his commission but for the universal interest made in + his favour by the general officers in consideration of his former + meritorious conduct and distinguished gallantry, and under the peculiar + circumstances of the case. They did not break him, but he was suspended, + and Lord Wellington sent him home to England. Almost every general officer + in the army endeavoured to get his sentence revoked, lamenting the fate of + a gallant fellow being sent away for a slight error in judgment while the + army was in hot action but Lord Wellington was inexorable saying he must + make an example to secure himself in the perfect obedience of officers to + their orders; and it had the effect.” + </p> + <p> + “Well, that's what I call hard!” said Dick. + </p> + <p> + “My dear Dick,” said the Squire, “war is altogether a hard thing, and a + man has no business to be a General who isn't as hard as his own round + shot.” + </p> + <p> + “And what became of the <i>dear</i> young man?” said Father Phil, who + seemed much touched by the readiness with which the <i>dear</i> young man + set off to mow down the French. + </p> + <p> + “I can tell you,” said Moriarty, “for I served with him afterwards in the + Peninsula. He was let back after a year or so, and became so thorough a + disciplinarian, that he swore, when once he was at his post 'They might + kill <i>his father</i> before his face and he wouldn't budge until he had + orders.'” + </p> + <p> + “A most Christian resolution,” said the doctor. + </p> + <p> + “Well, I can tell you,” said Moriarty, “of a Frenchman, who made a greater + breach of discipline, and it was treated more leniently. I heard the story + from the man's own lips, and if I could only give you his voice and + gesture and manner it would amuse you. What fellows those Frenchmen are, + to be sure, for telling a story! they make a shrug or a wink have twenty + different meanings, and their claws are most eloquent—one might say + they talk on their fingers—and their broken English, I think, helps + them.” + </p> + <p> + “Then give the story, Randal, in his manner,” said Dick. “I have heard you + imitate a Frenchman capitally.” + </p> + <p> + “Well, here goes,” said Moriarty “but let me wet my whistle with a glass + of claret before I begin—a French story should have French wine.” + Randal tossed off one glass, and filled a second by way of reserve, and + then began the French officer's story. + </p> + <p> + “You see, sare, it vos ven in <i>Espagne</i> de bivouac vos vairy ard + indeet 'pon us, vor we coot naut get into de town at all, nevair, becos + you dam Ingelish keep all de town to yoursefs—vor we fall back at + dat time becos we get not support—no <i>corps de reserve</i>, you + perceive—so ve mek <i>retrograde</i> movement—not <i>retreat</i>—no, + no—but <i>retrograde</i> movement. Vell—von night I was wit my + picket guart, and it was raining like de devil, and de vind vos vinding up + de valley, so cold as noting at all, and de dark vos vot you could not see—no—not + your nose bevore your face. Vell, I hear de tramp of horse, and I look + into de dark—for ve vere vairy moche on the <i>qui vive</i>, because + ve expec de Ingelish to attaque de next day—but I see noting; but de + tramp of horse come closer and closer, and at last I ask, 'Who is dere?' + and de tramp of de horse stop. I run forward, and den I see Ingelish + offisair of cavallerie. I address him, and tell him he is in our lines, + but I do not vant to mek him prisonair—for you must know dat he <i>vos</i> + prisonair, if I like, ven he vos vithin our line. He is very polite—he + says, '<i>Bien obligé—bon enfant</i>;' and we tek off our hat to + each ozer. 'I aff lost my roat,' he say; and I say, 'Yais'—bote I + vill put him into his roat, and so I ask for a moment pardon, and go back + to my <i>caporal</i>, and tell him to be on de <i>qui vive</i> till I come + back. De Ingelish offisair and me talk very plaisant vile we go togezer + down de leetel roat, and ven we come to de turn, I say, '<i>Bon soir</i>, + Monsieur le Capitaine—dat is your vay.' He den tank me, vera moche + like gentilman, and vish he coot mek me some return for my générosité, as + he please to say—and I say, '<i>Bah!</i> Ingelish gentilman vood do + de same to French offisair who lose his vay.' 'Den come here,' he say, '<i>bon + enfant</i>, can you leave your post for 'aff an hour?' 'Leave my post?' I + say. 'Yais,' said he, 'I know your army has not moche provision lately, + and maybe you are ongrie?' '<i>Ma foi</i>, yais,' said I; 'I aff naut + slips to my eyes, nor meat to my stomach, for more dan fife days.' 'Veil, + <i>bon enfant</i>,' he say, 'come vis me, and I vill gif you good supper, + goot vine, and goot velcome.' 'Coot I leave my post?' I say. He say, '<i>Bah! + Caporal</i> take care till you come back.' By gar, I coot naut resist—<i>he</i> + vos so <i>vairy</i> moche gentilman and <i>I</i> vos so ongrie—I go + vis him—not fife hunder yarts—<i>ah! bon Dieu</i>—how + nice! In de corner of a leetel ruin chapel dere is nice bit of fire, and + hang on a string before it de half of a kid—<i>oh ciel!</i> de smell + of de <i>ros-bif</i> was so nice—I rub my hands to de fire—I + sniff de <i>cuisine</i>—I see in anozer corner a couple bottles of + wine—<i>sacré</i>! it vos all watair in my mouts! Ve sit down to + suppair—I nevair did ate so moche in my life. Ve did finish de + bones, and vosh down all mid ver good wine—<i>excellent!</i> Ve + drink de toast—<i>àla gloire</i>—and we talk of de campaign. + Ve drink <i>àla Patrie</i>, and den <i>I</i> tink of <i>la belle France</i> + and <i>ma douce amie</i>—and <i>he</i> fissel, 'Got safe de king.' + Ve den drink <i>àl'amitié</i>, and shek hands over dat fire in good + frainship—dem two hands that might cross de swords in de morning. + Yais, sair, dat was fine—'t was <i>galliard</i>—'t was <i>la + vrai chivalrie</i>—two sojair ennemi to share de same kid, drink de + same wine, and talk like two friends. Vell, I got den so sleepy, dat my + eyes go blink, blink, and my goot friend says to me, 'Sleep, old fellow; I + know you aff got hard fare of late, and you are tired; sleep, all is quiet + for to-night, and I will call you before dawn.' Sair, I vos <i>so</i> + tired, I forgot my duty, and fall down fast asleep. Veil, sair, in de + night de pickets of de two armie get so close, and mix up, dat some shot + gets fired, and in one moment all in confusion. I am shake by de shoulder—I + wake like from dream—I heard sharp <i>fusillade</i>—my friend + cry, 'Fly to your post, it is attack!' We exchange one shek of de hand, + and I run off to my post. <i>Oh, ciel!</i>—it is driven in—I + see dem fly. <i>Oh, mon désespoir àce moment-là!</i> I am ruin—<i>déshonoré</i>—I + rush to de front—I rally <i>mes braves</i>—ve stand!—ve + advance!!—ve regain de post!!!—I am safe!!!! De <i>fusillade</i> + cease—it is only an affair of outposts. I tink I am safe—I + tink I am very fine fellow—but Monsieur <i>l'Aide-Major</i> send for + me and speak, 'Vere vos you last night, sair?' 'I mount guard by de mill.' + 'Are you sure?' '<i>Oui, monsieur.</i>' 'Vere vos you when your post vos + attack?' I saw it vos no use to deny any longair, so I confess to him + everyting. 'Sair,' said he, 'you rally your men very good, <i>or you + should be shot!</i> Young man, remember,' said he—I will never + forget his vorts—'young man, <i>vine is goot—slip is goot—goat + is goot—but honners is betters!'”</i> + </p> + <p> + “A capital story, Randal,” cried Dick; “but how much of it did you + invent?” + </p> + <p> + “'Pon my life, it is as near the original as possible.” + </p> + <p> + “Besides, that is not a fair way of using a story,” said the doctor. “You + should take a story as you get it, and not play the dissector upon it, + mangling its poor body to discover the bit of embellishment; and as long + as a <i>raconteur</i> maintains <i>vraisemblance</i>, I contend you are + bound to receive the whole as true.” + </p> + <p> + “A most author-like creed, doctor,” said Dick; “you are a story-teller + yourself, and enter upon the defence of your craft with great spirit.” + </p> + <p> + “And justice, too,” said the Squire; “the doctor is quite right.” + </p> + <p> + “Don't suppose I can't see the little touches of the artist,” said the + doctor; “but so long as they are in keeping with the picture, I enjoy + them; for instance, my friend Randal's touch of the Englishman '<i>fissling + Got safe de King''</i> is very happy—quite in character.” + </p> + <p> + “Well, good or bad, the story in substance is true,” said Randal, “and + puts the Englishman in a fine point of view—a generous fellow, + sharing his supper with his enemy whose sword may be through his body in + the next morning's 'affair.'” + </p> + <p> + “But the Frenchman was generous to him first,” remarked the Squire. + </p> + <p> + “Certainly—I admit it,” said Randal. “In short, they were both fine + fellows.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, sir,” said Father Phil, “the French are not deficient in a chivalrous + spirit. I heard once a very pretty little bit of anecdote about the way + they behaved to one of our regiments on a retreat in Spain.” + </p> + <p> + “<i>Your</i> regiments!” said Moriarty, who was rather fond of hitting + hard at a priest when he could; “a regiment of friars is it?” + </p> + <p> + “No, captain, but of soldiers; and it's going through a river they were, + and the French, taking advantage of their helpless condition, were + peppering away at them hard and fast.” + </p> + <p> + “Very generous indeed!” said Moriarty, laughing. + </p> + <p> + “Let me finish my story, captain, before you quiz it. I say they were + peppering them sorely while they were crossing the river, until some women—the + followers of the camp—ran down (poor creatures) to the shore, and + the stream was so deep in the middle they could scarcely ford it; so some + dragoons who were galloping as hard as they could out of the fire pulled + up on seeing the condition of the women-kind, and each horseman took up a + woman behind him, though it diminished his own power of speeding from the + danger. The moment the French saw this act of manly courtesy, they ceased + firing, gave the dragoons a cheer, and as long as the women were within + gunshot, not a trigger was pulled in the French line, but volleys of + cheers instead of ball-cartridge was sent after the brigade till all the + women were over. Now wasn't that generous?” + </p> + <p> + “'T was a handsome thing!” was the universal remark. + </p> + <p> + “And 'faith I can tell you, Captain Moriarty, the army took advantage of + it; for there was a great struggle to have the pleasure of the ladies' + company over the river.” + </p> + <p> + “I dare say, Father Phil,” said the Squire, laughing. + </p> + <p> + “Throth, Squire,” said the <i>padre</i>, “fond of the girls as the + soldiers have the reputation of being, they never liked them better than + that same day.” + </p> + <p> + “Yes, yes,” said Moriarty, a little piqued, for he rather affected the + “dare-devil.” + </p> + <p> + “I see you mean to insinuate that we soldiers fear fire.” + </p> + <p> + “I did not say 'fear,' captain—but they'd like to get out of it, for + all that, and small blame to them—aren't they flesh and blood like + ourselves?” + </p> + <p> + “Not a bit like you,” said Moriarty. “You sleek and smooth gentlemen who + live in luxurious peace know little of a soldier's danger or feelings.” + </p> + <p> + “Captain, we all have our dangers to go through; and may be a priest has + as many as a soldier; and we only show a difference of taste, after all, + in the selection.” + </p> + <p> + “Well, Father Blake, all I know is, that a true soldier fears nothing!” + said Moriarty with energy. + </p> + <p> + “Maybe so,” answered Father Phil, quietly. “It is quite clear, however,” + said Murphy, “that war, with all its horrors, can call out occasionally + the finer feelings of our natures; but it is only such redeeming traits as + those we have heard which can reconcile us to it. I remember having heard + an incident of war, myself, which affected me much,” said Murphy, who + caught the infection of military anecdote which circled the table; and + indeed there is no more catching theme can be started among men, for it + may be remarked that whenever it is broached it flows on until it is + rather more than time to go to the ladies. + </p> + <p> + “It was in the earlier portion of the memorable day of Waterloo,” said + Murphy, “that a young officer of the Guards received a wound which brought + him to the ground. His companions rushed on to seize some point which + their desperate valour was called on to carry, and he was left, utterly + unable to rise, for the wound was in his foot. He lay for some hours with + the thunder of that terrible day ringing around him, and many a rush of + horse and foot had passed close beside him. Towards the close of the day + he saw one of the Black Brunswick dragoons approaching, who drew rein as + his eye caught the young Guardsman, pale and almost fainting, on the + ground. He alighted, and finding he was not mortally wounded, assisted him + to rise, lifted him into his saddle, and helped to support him there while + he walked beside him to the English rear. The Brunswicker was an old man; + his brow and moustache were grey; despair was in his sunken eye, and from + time to time he looked up with an expression of the deepest yearning into + the face of the young soldier, who saw big tears rolling down the + veteran's cheek while he gazed upon him. 'You seem in bitter sorrow, my + kind friend,' said the stripling. 'No wonder,' answered the old man, with + a hollow groan. 'I and my three boys were in the same regiment—they + were alive the morning of Ligny—I am childless to-day. But I have + revenged them!' he said fiercely, and as he spoke he held out his sword, + which was literally red with blood. 'But, oh! that will not bring me back + my boys!' he exclaimed, relapsing into his sorrow. 'My three gallant + boys!'—and again he wept bitterly, till clearing his eyes from the + tears, and looking up in the young soldier's handsome face, he said + tenderly, 'You are like my youngest one, and I could not let you lie on + the field.'” + </p> + <p> + Even the rollicking Murphy's eyes were moist as he recited this anecdote; + and as for Father Phil, he was quite melted, ejaculating in an under tone, + “Oh, my poor fellow! my poor fellow!” + </p> + <p> + “So there,” said Murphy, “is an example of a man, with revenge in his + heart, and his right arm tired with slaughter, suddenly melted into + gentleness by a resemblance to his child.” + </p> + <p> + “'T is very touching, but very sad,” said the Squire. + </p> + <p> + “My dear sir,” said the doctor, with his peculiar dryness, “sadness is the + principal fruit which warfare must ever produce. You may talk of glory as + long as you like, but you cannot have your laurel without your cypress, + and though you may select certain bits of sentiment out of a mass of + horrors, if you allow me, I will give you one little story which shan't + keep you long, and will serve as a commentary upon war and glory in + general. + </p> + <p> + “At the peace of 1803, I happened to be travelling through a town in + France where a certain count I knew resided. I waited upon him, and he + received me most cordially, and invited me to dinner. I made the excuse + that I was only <i>en route</i>, and supplied with but traveling costume, + and therefore not fit to present myself amongst the guests of such a house + as his. He assured me I should only meet his own family, and pledged + himself for Madame la Comtesse being willing to waive the ceremony of a <i>grande + toilette</i>. I went to the house at the appointed hour, and as I passed + through the hall I cast a glance at the dining-room and saw a very long + table laid. On arriving at the reception-room, I taxed the count with + having broken faith with me, and was about making my excuses to the + countess when she assured me the count had dealt honestly by me, for that + I was the only guest to join the family party. Well, we sat down to + dinner, three-and-twenty persons; myself, the count and countess, and + their <i>twenty children!</i> and a more lovely family I never saw; he a + man in the vigour of life, she a still attractive woman, and these their + offspring lining the table, where the happy eyes of father and mother + glanced with pride and affection from one side to the other on these + future staffs of their old age. Well, the peace of Amiens was of short + duration, and I saw no more of the count till Napoleon's abdication. Then + I visited France again, and saw my old friend. But it was a sad sight, + sir, in that same house, where, little more than ten years before, I had + seen the bloom and beauty of twenty children, to sit down with <i>three</i>—all + he had left him. His sons had fallen in battle—his daughters had + died widowed, leaving but orphans. And thus it was all over France. While + the public voice shouted 'Glory!' wailing was in her homes. Her temple of + victory was filled with trophies, but her hearths were made desolate.” + </p> + <p> + “Still, sir, a true soldier fears nothing,” repeated Moriarty. + </p> + <p> + “<i>Baithershin,</i>” said Father Phil. “'Faith I have been in places of + danger you'd be glad to get out of, I can tell you, as bould as you are, + captain.” + </p> + <p> + “You'll pardon me for doubting you, Father Blake,” said Moriarty, rather + huffed. + </p> + <p> + “'Faith then you wouldn't like to be where I was before I came here; that + is, in a mud cabin, where I was giving the last rites to six people dying + in the typhus fever.” + </p> + <p> + “Typhus!” exclaimed Moriarty, growing pale, and instinctively withdrawing + his chair as far as he could from the <i>padre</i> beside whom he sat. + </p> + <p> + “Ay, typhus, sir; most inveterate typhus.” + </p> + <p> + “Gracious Heaven!” said Moriarty, rising, “how can you do such a dreadful + thing as run the risk of bearing infection into society?” + </p> + <p> + “I thought soldiers were not afraid of anything,” said Father Phil, + laughing at him; and the rest of the party joined in the merriment. + </p> + <p> + “Fairly hit, Moriarty,” said Dick. + </p> + <p> + “Nonsense,” said Moriarty; “when I spoke of danger, I meant such open + danger as—in short, not such insidious lurking abomination as + infection; for I contend that—” + </p> + <p> + “Say no more, Randal,” said Growling, “you're done!—Father Phil has + floored you.” + </p> + <p> + “I deny it,” said Moriarty, warmly; but the more he denied it, the more + every one laughed at him. + </p> + <p> + “You're more frightened than hurt, Moriarty,” said the Squire; “for the + best of the joke is, Father Phil wasn't in contact with typhus at all, but + was riding with me—and 'tis but a joke.” + </p> + <p> + Here they all roared at Moriarty, who was excessively angry, but felt + himself in such a ridiculous position that he could not quarrel with + anybody. + </p> + <p> + “Pardon me, my dear captain,” said the Father; “I only wanted to show you + that a poor priest has to run the risk of his life just as much as the + boldest soldier of them all. But don't you think, Squire, 't is time to + join the ladies? I'm sure the tay will be tired waiting for us.” + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0012" id="link2HCH0012"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXXIII + </h2> + <p> + Mrs. Egan was engaged in some needlework, and Fanny turning over the + leaves of a music-book, and occasionally humming some bars of her + favourite songs, as the gentlemen came into the drawing-room. Fanny rose + from the pianoforte as they entered. + </p> + <p> + “Oh, Miss Dawson,” exclaimed Moriarty, “why tantalise us so much as to let + us see you seated in that place where you can render so much delight, only + to leave it as we enter?” + </p> + <p> + Fanny turned off the captain's flourishing speech with a few lively words + and a smile, and took her seat at the tea-table to do the honours. “The + captain,” said Father Phil to the doctor, “is equally great in love or + war.” + </p> + <p> + “And knows about as little of one as the other,” said the doctor. “His + attacks are too open.” + </p> + <p> + “And therefore easily foiled,” said Father Phil; “How that pretty + creature, with the turn of a word and a curl of her lip, upset him that + time! Oh! what a powerful thing a woman's smile is, doctor? I often + congratulate myself that my calling puts all such mundane follies and + attractions out of my way, when I see and know what fools wise men are + sometimes made by silly girls. Oh, it is fearful, doctor; though, of + course, part of the mysterious dispensation of an all-wise Providence.” + </p> + <p> + “That fools should have the mastery, is it?” inquired the doctor, drily, + with a mischievous query in his eye as well. “Tut, tut, tut, doctor,” + replied Father Phil, impatiently; “you know well enough what I mean, and I + won't allow you to engage me in one of your ingenious battles of words. I + speak of that wonderful influence of the weaker sex over the stronger, and + how the word of a rosy lip outweighs sometimes the resolves of a furrowed + brow; and how the—pooh! pooh! I'm making a fool of myself talking to + you—but to make a long story short, I would rather <i>wrastle</i> + out a logical dispute any day, or a tough argument of one of the fathers, + than refute some absurdity which fell from a pretty mouth with a smile on + it.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, I quite agree with you,” said the doctor, grinning, “that the fathers + are not half such dangerous customers as the daughters.” + </p> + <p> + “Ah, go along with you, doctor!” said Father Phil, with a good-humoured + laugh. “I see you are in one of your mischievous moods, and so I'll have + nothing more to say to you.” + </p> + <p> + The Father turned away to join the Squire, while the doctor took a seat + near Fanny Dawson and enjoyed a quiet little bit of conversation with her, + while Moriarty was turning over the leaves of her album; but the brow of + the captain, who affected a taste in poetry, became knit, and his lip + assumed a contemptuous curl, as he perused some lines, and asked Fanny + whose was the composition. + </p> + <p> + “I forget,” was Fanny's answer. + </p> + <p> + “I don't wonder,” said Moriarty; “the author is not worth remembering, for + they are very rough.” + </p> + <p> + Fanny did not seem pleased with the criticism, and said that, when sung to + the measure of the air written down on the opposite page, they were very + flowing. + </p> + <p> + “But the principal phrase, the <i>'refrain''</i> I may say, is so vulgar,” + added Moriarty, returning to the charge. “The gentleman says, 'What would + you do?' and the lady answers, 'That's what I'd do.' Do you call that + poetry?” + </p> + <p> + “I don't call <i>that</i> poetry,” said Fanny, with some emphasis on the + word; “but if you connect those two phrases with what is intermediately + written, and read all in the spirit of the entire of the verses, I think + there is poetry in them—but if not poetry, certainly feeling.” + </p> + <p> + “Can you tolerate '<i>That's what I'd do'?</i>—the pert answer of a + housemaid.” + </p> + <p> + “A phrase in itself homely,” answered Fanny, “may become elevated by the + use to which it is applied.” + </p> + <p> + “Quite true, Miss Dawson,” said the doctor, joining in the discussion. + “But what are these lines which excite Randal's ire?” + </p> + <p> + “Here they are,” said Moriarty. “I will read them, if you allow me, and + then judge between Miss Dawson and me. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 'What will you do, love, when I am going, + With white sail flowing, + The seas beyond? + What will you do, love, when—'” + </pre> + <p> + “Stop thief!—stop thief!” cried the doctor. “Why, you are robbing + the poet of his reputation as fast as you can. You don't attend to the + rhythm of those lines—you don't give the ringing of the verse.” + </p> + <p> + “That's just what I have said in other words,” said Fanny. “When sung to + the melody, they are smooth.” + </p> + <p> + “But a good reader, Miss Dawson,” said the doctor, “will read verse with + the proper accent, just as a musician would divide it into bars; but my + friend Randal there, although he can tell a good story and hit off prose + very well, has no more notion of rhythm or poetry than new beer has of a + holiday.” + </p> + <p> + “And why, pray, has not new beer a notion of a holiday?” + </p> + <p> + “Because, sir, it works of a Sunday.” + </p> + <p> + “Your <i>beer</i> may be new, doctor, but your <i>joke</i> is not—I + have seen it before in some old form.” + </p> + <p> + “Well, sir, if I found it in its old form, like a hare, and started it + fresh, it may do for folks to run after as well as anything else. But you + shan't escape your misdemeanour in mauling those verses as you have done, + by finding fault with my joke <i>redevivus.</i> You read those lines, sir, + like a bellman, without any attention to metre.” + </p> + <p> + “To be sure,” said Father Phil, who had been listening for some time; + “they have a ring in them—” + </p> + <p> + “Like a pig's nose,” said the doctor. + </p> + <p> + “Ah, be aisy,” said Father Phil. “I say they have a ring in them like an + owld Latin canticle— + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 'What <i>will</i> you <i>do,</i> love, when I am <i>go</i>-ing, + With white sail <i>flow</i>-ing, + The says be<i>yond?</i>' +</pre> + <p> + That's it!” + </p> + <p> + “To be sure,” said the doctor. “I vote for the Father's reading them out + on the spot.” + </p> + <p> + “Pray, do, Mister Blake,” said Fanny. + </p> + <p> + “Ah, Miss Dawson, what have I to do with reading love verses?” + </p> + <p> + “Take the book, sir,” said Growling, “and show me you have some faith in + your own sayings, by obeying a lady directly.” + </p> + <p> + “Pooh! pooh!” said the priest. + </p> + <p> + “You <i>won't</i> refuse me?” said Fanny, in a coaxing tone. + </p> + <p> + “My dear Miss Dawson,” said the <i>padre.</i> + </p> + <p> + “<i>Father Phil!</i>” said Fanny, with one of her rosy smiles. + </p> + <p> + “Oh, wow! wow! wow!” ejaculated the priest, in an amusing embarrassment, + “I see you will make me do whatever you like.” So Father Phil gave the + rare example of a man acting up to his own theory, and could not resist + the demand that came from a pretty mouth. He took the book and read the + lines with much feeling, but, with an observance of rhythm so grotesque, + that it must be given in his own manner. + </p> + <h3> + WHAT WILL YOU DO, LOVE? + </h3> + <h3> + I + </h3> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + “What <i>will</i> you <i>do</i>, love, when I am <i>go</i>-ing, + With white sail <i>flow</i>-ing, + The seas be-<i>yond?</i> + What <i>will</i> you <i>do</i>, love, when waves di-<i>vide</i> us, + And friends may chide us, + For being <i>fond</i>?” + + “Though waves di-<i>vide</i> us, and friends be <i>chi</i>-ding, + In faith a-<i>bi</i>-ding, + I'll still be true; + And I'll pray for <i>thee</i> on the stormy <i>o</i>-cean, + In deep de-<i>vo</i>-tion,— + That's <i>what</i> I'll do!” + </pre> + <h3> + II + </h3> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + “What <i>would</i> you <i>do</i>, love, if distant <i>ti</i>-dings + Thy fond con-<i>fi</i>-dings + Should under-<i>mine</i> + And I a-<i>bi</i>-ding 'neath sultry <i>skies</i>, + Should think other <i>eyes</i> + Were as bright as <i>thine</i>?” + + “Oh, name it <i>not</i>; though guilt and <i>shame</i> + Were on thy <i>name</i>, + I'd still be <i>true</i>; + But that heart of <i>thine</i>, should another <i>share</i> it, + I could not <i>bear it</i>;— + What <i>would</i> I do?” + </pre> + <h3> + III + </h3> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + “What <i>would</i> you do, when, home re-<i>turn</i>-ing, + With hopes high <i>burn</i>-ing, + With wealth for <i>you</i>,— + If my <i>bark</i>, that <i>bound</i>-ed o'er foreign <i>foam</i>, + Should be lost near <i>home</i>,— + Ah, what <i>would</i> you do?” + + “So them wert <i>spar</i>-d, I'd bless the <i>mor</i>-row, + In want and <i>sor</i>-row, + That left me <i>you</i>; + And I'd welcome <i>thee</i> from the wasting <i>bil</i>-low, + My heart thy <i>pil</i>-low!— + THAT'S <i>what</i> I'd do!” + </pre> + <p> + [Footnote: NOTE TO THE THIRD EDITION.—The foregoing dialogue and + Moriarty's captious remarks were meant, when, they appeared in the first + edition, as a hit at a certain small critic—a would-be song-writer—who + does ill-natured articles for the Reviews, and expressed himself very + contemptuously of my songs because of their simplicity; or, as he was + pleased to phrase it, “I had a knack of putting common things together.” + The song was written to illustrate my belief that the most common-place + expression, <i>appropriately applied</i>, may successfully serve the + purposes of the lyric; and here experience has proved me right, for this + very song of “What will you do?” (containing within it the other + common-place, “That's what I'd do”) has been received with special favour + by the public, whose long-continued goodwill towards my compositions + generally I gratefully acknowledge.] + </p> + <p> + “Well done, <i>padre!</i>” said the doctor; “with good emphasis and + discretion.” + </p> + <p> + “And now, my dear Miss Dawson,” said Father Phil, “since I've read the + lines at your high bidding, will you sing them for me at my humble + asking?” + </p> + <p> + “Very antithetically put, indeed,” said Fanny; “but you must excuse me.” + </p> + <p> + “You said there was a tune to it?” + </p> + <p> + “Yes; but I promised Captain Moriarty to sing him <i>this</i>,” said + Fanny, going over to the pianoforte, and laying her hand on an open + music-book. + </p> + <p> + “Thanks, Miss Dawson,” said Moriarty, following fast. + </p> + <p> + Now, it was not that Fanny Dawson liked the captain that she was going to + sing the song; but she thought he had been rather “<i>mobbed</i>” by the + doctor and the <i>padre</i> about the reading of the verses, and it was + her good breeding which made her pay this little attention to the worsted + party. She poured forth her sweet voice in a simple melody to the + following words:— + </p> + <h3> + SAY NOT MY HEART IS COLD + </h3> + <h3> + I + </h3> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + “Say not my heart is cold, + Because of a silent tongue! + The lute of faultless mould + In silence oft hath hung. + The fountain soonest spent + Doth babble down the steep; + But the stream that <i>ever</i> went + Is silent, strong, and deep. +</pre> + <h3> + II + </h3> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + “The charm of a secret life + Is given to choicest things:— + Of flowers, the fragrance rife + Is wafted on viewless wings; + We see not the charmed air + Bearing some witching sound; + And ocean deep is where + The pearl of price is found. +</pre> + <h3> + III + </h3> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + “Where are the stars by day? + They burn, though all unseen! + And love of purest ray + Is like the stars, I ween: + Unmark'd is the gentle light + When the sunshine of joy appears, + But ever, in sorrow's night, + 'T will glitter upon thy tears!” + </pre> + <p> + “Well, Randal, does that poem satisfy your critical taste?—of the + singing there can be but one opinion.” + </p> + <p> + “Yes, I think it pretty,” said Moriarty; “but there is one word in the + last verse I object to.” + </p> + <p> + “Which is that?” inquired Growling. + </p> + <p> + “<i>Ween</i>” said the other, “'the stars, I ween,' I object to.” + </p> + <p> + “Don't you see the meaning of that?” inquired the doctor. “I think it is a + very happy allusion.” + </p> + <p> + “I don't see any allusion whatever,” said the critic. + </p> + <p> + “Don't you see the poet alluded to the stars in the <i>milky</i> way, and + says, therefore, 'The stars I <i>wean</i>'?” + </p> + <p> + “Bah! bah! doctor,” exclaimed the critical captain; “you are in one of + your quizzing moods to-night, and it is in vain to expect a serious answer + from you.” He turned on his heel as he spoke, and went away. + </p> + <p> + “Moriarty, you know, Miss Dawson, is a man who affects a horror of puns, + and therefore I always punish him with as many as I can,” said the doctor, + who was left by Moriarty's sudden pique to the enjoyment of a pleasant + chat with Fanny, and he was sorry when the hour arrived which disturbed it + by the breaking up of the party and the departure of the guests. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0013" id="link2HCH0013"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXXIV + </h2> + <p> + When the Widow Rooney was forcibly ejected from the house of Mrs. James + Casey, and found that Andy was not the possessor of that lady's charms, + she posted off to Neck-or-Nothing Hall, to hear the full and true account + of the transaction from Andy himself. On arriving at the old iron gate, + and pulling the loud bell, she was spoken to through the bars by the + savage old janitor and told to “go out o' that.” Mrs. Rooney thought fate + was using her hard in decreeing she was to receive denial at every door, + and endeavoured to obtain a parley with the gate-keeper, to which he + seemed no way inclined. + </p> + <p> + “My name's Rooney, sir?” + </p> + <p> + “There's plenty bad o' the name,” was the civil rejoinder. + </p> + <p> + “And my son's in Squire O'Grady's sarvice, sir.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh—you're the mother of the beauty we call Handy, eh?” + </p> + <p> + “Yis, sir.” + </p> + <p> + “Well, he left the sarvice yistherday.” + </p> + <p> + “Is it lost the place?” + </p> + <p> + “Yis.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh dear! Ah, sir, let me up to the house and spake to his honour, and + maybe he'll take back the boy.” + </p> + <p> + “He doesn't want any more servants at all—for he's dead.” + </p> + <p> + “Is it Squire O'Grady dead?” + </p> + <p> + “Aye—did you never hear of a dead squire before?” + </p> + <p> + “What did he die of, sir?” + </p> + <p> + “Find out,” said the sulky brute, walking back into his den. + </p> + <p> + It was true—the renowned O'Grady was no more. The fever which had + set in from his “broiled bones,” which he <i>would</i> have in spite of + anybody, was found difficult of abatement; and the impossibility of + keeping him quiet, and his fits of passion, and consequent fresh supplies + of “broiled bones,” rendered the malady unmanageable; and the very day + after Andy had left the house the fever took a bad turn, and in + four-and-twenty hours the stormy O'Grady was at peace. + </p> + <p> + What a sudden change fell upon the house! All the wedding paraphernalia + which had been brought down lay neglected in the rooms where it had been + the object of the preceding day's admiration. The deep, absorbing, silent + grief of the wife,—the more audible sorrow of the girls,—the + subdued wildness of the reckless boys, as they trod silently past the + chamber where they no longer might dread reproof for their noise,—all + this was less touching than the effect the event had upon the old dowager + mother. While the senses of others were stunned by the blow, hers became + awakened by the shock; all her absurd aberration passed away, and she sat + in intellectual self-possession by the side of her son's death-bed, which + she never left until he was laid in his coffin. He was the first and last + of her sons. She had now none but grandchildren to look upon—the + intermediate generation had passed away, and the gap yawned fearfully + before her. It restored her, for the time, perfectly to her senses; and + she gave the necessary directions on the melancholy occasion, and + superintended all the sad ceremonials befitting the time, with a calm and + dignified resignation which impressed all around her with wonder and + respect. + </p> + <p> + Superadded to the dismay which the death of the head of a family produces + was the terrible fear which existed that O'Grady's body would be seized + for debt—a barbarous practice, which, shame to say, is still + permitted. This fear made great precaution necessary to prevent persons + approaching the house, and accounts for the extra gruffness of the gate + porter. The wild body-guard of the wild chief was on doubly active duty; + and after four-and-twenty hours had passed over the reckless boys, the + interest they took in sharing and directing this watch and ward seemed to + outweigh all sorrowful consideration for the death of their father. As for + Gustavus, the consciousness of being now the master of Neck-or-Nothing + Hall was apparent in a boy not yet fifteen; and not only in himself, but + in the grey-headed retainers about him, this might be seen: there was a + shade more of deference—the boy was merged in “<i>the young master</i>.” + But we must leave the house of mourning for the present, and follow the + Widow Rooney, who, as she tramped her way homeward, was increasing in + hideousness of visage every hour. Her nose was twice its usual dimensions, + and one eye was perfectly useless in showing her the road. At last, + however, as evening was closing, she reached her cabin, and there was + Andy, arrived before her, and telling Oonah, his cousin, all his + misadventures of the preceding day. + </p> + <p> + The history was stopped for a while by their mutual explanations and + condolences with Mrs. Rooney, on the “cruel way her poor face was used.” + </p> + <p> + “And who done it all?” said Oonah. + </p> + <p> + “Who but that born divil, Matty Dwyer—and sure they towld me <i>you</i> + were married to her,” said she to Andy. + </p> + <p> + “So I was,” said Andy, beginning the account of his misfortunes afresh to + his mother, who from time to time would break in with indiscriminate + maledictions on Andy, as well as his forsworn damsel; and when the account + was ended, she poured out a torrent of abuse upon her unfortunate forsaken + son, which riveted him to the floor in utter amazement. + </p> + <p> + “I thought I'd get pity here, at all events,” said poor Andy; “but instead + o' that it's the worst word and the hardest name in your jaw you have for + me.” + </p> + <p> + “And sarve you right, you dirty cur,” said his mother. “I ran off like a + fool when I heerd of your good fortune, and see the condition that baggage + left me in—my teeth knocked in and my eye knocked out, and all for + your foolery, because you couldn't keep what you got.” + </p> + <p> + “Sure, mother, I tell you—” + </p> + <p> + “Howld your tongue, you <i>omadhaun!</i> And then I go to Squire O'Grady's + to look for you, and there I hear you lost <i>that</i> place, too.” + </p> + <p> + “Faix, it's little loss,” said Andy. + </p> + <p> + “That's all you know about it, you goose; you lose the place just when the + man's dead and you'd have had a shuit o' mournin'. Oh, you are the most + misfortunate divil, Andy Rooney, this day in Ireland—why did I rear + you at all?” + </p> + <p> + “Squire O'Grady dead!” said Andy, in surprise and also with regret for his + late master. + </p> + <p> + “Yis—and you've lost the mournin'—augh!” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, the poor Squire!” said Andy. + </p> + <p> + “The iligant new clothes!” grumbled Mrs. Rooney. “And then luck tumbles + into your way such as man never had; without a place, or a rap to bless + yourself with, you get a rich man's daughter for your wife, and you let + her slip through your fingers.” + </p> + <p> + “How could I help it?” said Andy. + </p> + <p> + “Augh!—you bothered the job just the way you do everything,” said + his mother. + </p> + <p> + “Sure I was civil-spoken to her.” + </p> + <p> + “Augh!” said his mother. + </p> + <p> + “And took no liberty.” + </p> + <p> + “You goose!” + </p> + <p> + “And called her Miss.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, indeed you missed it altogether.” + </p> + <p> + “And said I wasn't desarvin' of her.” + </p> + <p> + “That was thrue—<i>but you should not have towld her so</i>. Make a + woman think you're betther than her, and she'll like you.” + </p> + <p> + “And sure, when I endayvoured to make myself agreeable to her——” + </p> + <p> + “<i>Endayvoured</i>!” repeated the old woman contemptuously. “<i>Endayvoured</i>, + indeed! Why didn't you <i>make</i> yourself agreeable at once, you poor + dirty goose?—no, but you went sneaking about it—I know as well + as if I was looking at you—you went sneakin' and snivelin' until the + girl took a disgust to you; for there's nothing a woman despises so much + as shilly-shallying.” + </p> + <p> + “Sure, you won't hear my defince,” said Andy. + </p> + <p> + “Oh, indeed you're betther at defince than attack,” said his mother. + </p> + <p> + “Sure, the first little civil'ty I wanted to pay to her, she took up the + three-legged stool to me.” + </p> + <p> + “The divil mend you! And what civil'ty did you offer her?” + </p> + <p> + “I made a grab at her cap, and I thought she'd have brained me.” + </p> + <p> + Oonah set up such a shout of laughter at Andy's notion of civility to a + girl, that the conversation was stopped for some time, and her aunt + remonstrated with her at her want of common sense; or, as she said, hadn't + she “more decency than to laugh at the poor fool's nonsense?” + </p> + <p> + “What could I do agen the three-legged stool?” said Andy. + </p> + <p> + “Where was your <i>own</i> legs, and your own arms, and your own eyes, and + your own tongue?—eh?” + </p> + <p> + “And sure I tell you it was all ready conthrived, and James Casey was sent + for, and came.” + </p> + <p> + “Yis,” said the mother, “but not for a long time, you towld me yourself; + and what were you doing all that time? Sure, supposing you <i>wor</i> only + a new acquaintance, any man worth a day's mate would have discoorsed her + over in the time and made her sinsible he was the best of husbands.” + </p> + <p> + “I tell you she wouldn't let me have her ear at all,” said Andy. “Nor her + cap either,” said Oonah, laughing. + </p> + <p> + “And then Jim Casey kem.” + </p> + <p> + “And why did you let him in?” + </p> + <p> + “It was <i>she</i> let him in, I tell you.” + </p> + <p> + “And why did you let her? He was on the wrong side of the door—that's + the <i>outside</i>; and you on the right—that's the <i>inside</i>; + and it was <i>your</i> house, and she was <i>your</i> wife, and you were + her masther, and you had the rights of the church, and the rights of the + law, and all the rights on your side; barrin' right rayson—that you + never had; and sure without <i>that</i>, what's the use of all the other + rights in the world?” + </p> + <p> + “Sure, hadn't he his friends, <i>sthrong</i>, outside?” + </p> + <p> + “No matther, if the door wasn't opened to them, for <i>then</i> YOU would + have had a stronger friend than any o' them present among them.” + </p> + <p> + “Who?” inquired Andy. + </p> + <p> + “The <i>hangman</i>” answered his mother; “for breaking doors is hanging + matther; and I say the presence of the hangman's always before people when + they have such a job to do, and makes them think twice sometimes before + they smash once; and so you had only to keep one woman's hands quiet.” + </p> + <p> + “Faix, some of them would smash a door as soon as not,” said Andy. + </p> + <p> + “Well, then, you'd have the satisfaction of hanging them,” said the + mother, “and that would be some consolation. But even as it is, I'll have + law for it—I will—for the property is yours, any how, though + the girl is gone—and indeed a brazen baggage she is, and is mighty + heavy in the hand. Oh, my poor eye!—it's like a coal of fire—but + sure it was worth the risk living with her for the sake of the purty + property. And sure I was thinkin' what a pleasure it would be living with + you, and tachin' your wife housekeepin', and bringing up the young turkeys + and the childhre—but, och hone, you'll never do a bit o' good, you + that got sitch careful bringin' up, Andy Rooney! Didn't I tache you + manners, you dirty hanginbone blackguard? Didn't I tache you your blessed + religion?—may the divil sweep you! Did I ever prevent you from + sharing the lavings of the pratees with the pig?—and didn't you + often clane out the pot with him? and you're no good afther all. I've + turned my honest penny by the pig, but I'll never make my money of <i>you</i>, + Andy Rooney!” + </p> + <p> + There was some minutes' silence after this eloquent outbreak of Andy's + mother, which was broken at last by Andy uttering a long sigh and an + ejaculation. + </p> + <p> + “Och? it's a fine thing to be a gintleman,” said Andy. + </p> + <p> + “Cock you up!” said his mother. “Maybe it's a gintleman you want to be; + what puts that in your head, you <i>omadhaun</i>?” + </p> + <p> + “Why, because a gintleman has no hardships, compared with one of uz. Sure, + if a gintleman was married, his wife wouldn't be tuk off from him the way + mine was.” + </p> + <p> + “Not so soon, maybe,” said the mother, drily. + </p> + <p> + “And if a gintleman brakes a horse's heart, he's only a '<i>bowld rider</i>,' + while a poor sarvant is a 'careless blackguard' for only taking a sweat + out of him. If a gintleman dhrinks till he can't see a hole in a laddher, + he's only '<i>feesh</i>—but '<i>dhrunk</i>' is the word for a poor + man. And if a gintleman kicks up a row, he's a 'fine sperited fellow,' + while a poor man is a 'disordherly vagabone' for the same; and the Justice + axes the one to dinner and sends th' other to jail. Oh, faix, the law is a + dainty lady; she takes people by the hand who can afford to wear gloves, + but people with brown fists must keep their distance.” + </p> + <p> + “I often remark,” said his mother, “that fools spake mighty sinsible + betimes; but their wisdom all goes with their gab. Why didn't you take a + betther grip of your luck when you had it? You're wishing you wor a + gintleman, and yet when you had the best part of a gintleman (the + property, I mane) put into your way, you let it slip through your fingers; + and afther lettin' a fellow take a rich wife from you and turn you out of + your own house, you sit down on a stool there, and begin to <i>wish</i> + indeed!—you sneakin' fool—wish, indeed! Och! if you wish with + one hand, and wash with th' other, which will be clane first—eh?” + </p> + <p> + “What could I do agen eight?” asked Andy. + </p> + <p> + “Why did you let them in, I say again?” said the mother, quickly. + </p> + <p> + “Sure the blame wasn't with me,” said Andy, “but with—” + </p> + <p> + “Whisht, whisht, you goose!” said his mother. “Av course you'll blame + every one and everything but yourself—'<i>The losing horse blames + the saddle</i>.'” + </p> + <p> + “Well, maybe it's all for the best,” said Andy, “afther all.” + </p> + <p> + “Augh, howld your tongue!” + </p> + <p> + “And if it <i>wasn't</i> to be, how could it be?” + </p> + <p> + “Listen to him!” + </p> + <p> + “And Providence is over us all.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh! yis!” said the mother. “When fools make mistakes they lay the blame + on Providence. How have you the impidence to talk o' Providence in that + manner? <i>I'll</i> tell you where the Providence was. Providence sent you + to Jack Dwyer's, and kep Jim Casey away, and put the anger into owld + Jack's heart—that's what the Providence did!—and made the + opening for you to spake up, and gave you a wife—a wife with <i>property!</i> + Ah, there's where the Providence was!—and you were the masther of a + snug house—that was Providence! And wouldn't myself have been the + one to be helping you in the farm—rearing the powlts, milkin' the + cow, makin' the iligant butther, with lavings of butthermilk for the pigs—the + sow thriving, and the cocks and hens cheering your heart with their + cacklin'—the hank o' yarn on the wheel, and a hank of ingins up the + chimbley—oh! there's where the Providence would have been—that + <i>would have been Providence indeed!</i>—but never tell me that + Providence turned you out of the house; <i>that</i> was your own <i>goostherumfoodle.</i>” + </p> + <p> + “Can't he take the law o' them, aunt?” inquired Oonah. + </p> + <p> + “To be sure he can—and shall, too,” said the mother. “I'll be off to + 'torney Murphy to-morrow; I'll pursue her for my eye, and Andy for the + property, and I'll put them all in Chancery, the villains!” + </p> + <p> + “It's Newgate they ought to be put in,” said Andy. + </p> + <p> + “Tut, you fool, Chancery is worse than Newgate: for people sometimes get + out of Newgate, but they never get out of Chancery, I hear.” + </p> + <p> + As Mrs. Rooney spoke, the latch of the door was raised, and a miserably + clad woman entered, closed the door immediately after her, and placed the + bar against it. The action attracted the attention of all the inmates of + the house, for the doors of the peasantry are universally “left on the + latch,” and never secured against intrusion until the family go to bed. + </p> + <p> + “God save all here!” said the woman, as she approached the fire. + </p> + <p> + “Oh, is that you, ragged Nance?” said Mrs. Rooney; for that was the + unenviable but descriptive title the new-comer was known by: and though + she knew it for her <i>soubriquet</i>, yet she also knew Mrs. Rooney would + not call her by it if she were not in an ill temper, so she began humbly + to explain the cause of her visit, when Mrs. Rooney broke in gruffly— + </p> + <p> + “Oh, you always make out a good rayson for coming; but we have nothing for + you to-night.” + </p> + <p> + “Throth, you do me wrong,” said the beggar, “if you think I came <i>shooling.</i> + [Footnote: Going on chance here and there, to pick up what one can.] It's + only to keep harm from the innocent girl here.” + </p> + <p> + “Arrah, what harm would happen her, woman?” returned the widow, savagely, + rendered more morose by the humble bearing of her against whom she + directed her severity; as if she got more angry the less the poor creature + would give her cause to justify her harshness. “Isn't she undher my roof + here?” + </p> + <p> + “But how long may she be left there?” asked the woman, significantly. + </p> + <p> + “What do you mane, woman?” + </p> + <p> + “I mane there's a plan to carry her off from you to-night.” + </p> + <p> + Oonah grew pale with true terror, and the widow screeched, after the more + approved manner of elderly ladies making believe they are very much + shocked, till Nance reminded her that crying would do no good, and that it + was requisite to make some preparation against the approaching danger. + Various plans were hastily suggested, and as hastily relinquished, till + Nance advised a measure which was deemed the best. It was to dress Andy in + female attire and let him be carried off in place of the girl. Andy roared + with laughter at the notion of being made a girl of, and said the trick + would instantly be seen through. + </p> + <p> + “Not if you act your part well; just keep down the giggle, jewel, and put + on a moderate <i>phillelew,</i> and do the thing nice and steady, and + you'll be the saving of your cousin here.” + </p> + <p> + “<i>You</i> may deceive them with the dhress; and <i>I</i> may do a bit of + a small <i>shilloo,</i> like a <i>colleen</i> in disthress, and that's all + very well,” said Andy, “as far as seeing and hearing goes; but when they + come to grip me, sure they'll find out in a minute.” + </p> + <p> + “We'll stuff you out well with rags and sthraw, and they'll never know the + differ—besides, remember, the fellow that wants a girl never comes + for her himself, [Footnote: This is mostly the case.] but sends his + friends for her, and they won't know the differ—besides, they're all + dhrunk.” + </p> + <p> + “How do you know?” + </p> + <p> + “Because they're always dhrunk—that same crew; and if they're not + dhrunk to-night, it's the first time in their lives they ever were sober. + So make haste, now, and put off your coat, till we make a purty young + colleen out o' you.” + </p> + <p> + It occurred now to the widow that it was a service of great danger Andy + was called on to perform; and with all her abuse of “<i>omadhaun</i>” she + did not like the notion of putting him in the way of losing his life, + perhaps. + </p> + <p> + “They'll murdher the boy, maybe, when they find out the chate,” said the + widow. + </p> + <p> + “Not a bit,” said Nance. + </p> + <p> + “And suppose they did,” said Andy, “I'd rather die, sure, than the + disgrace should fall upon Oonah, there.” + </p> + <p> + “God bless you, Andy dear!” said Oonah. “Sure, you have the kind heart, + anyhow; but I wouldn't for the world hurt or harm should come to you on my + account.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, don't be afeard!” said Andy, cheerily; “divil a hair I value all they + can do; so dhress me up at once.” + </p> + <p> + After some more objections on the part of his mother, which Andy + overruled, the women all joined in making up Andy into as tempting an + imitation of feminality as they could contrive; but to bestow the + roundness of outline on the angular form of Andy was no easy matter, and + required more rags than the house afforded, so some straw was + indispensable, which the pig's bed only could supply. In the midst of + their fears, the women could not help laughing as they effected some + likeness to their own forms, with their stuffing and padding; but to carry + off the width of Andy's shoulders required a very ample and voluptuous + outline indeed, and Andy could not help wishing the straw was a little + sweeter which they were packing under his nose. At last, however, after + soaping down his straggling hair on his forehead, and tying a bonnet upon + his head to shade his face as much as possible, the disguise was + completed, and the next move was to put Oonah in a place of safety. + </p> + <p> + “Get upon the hurdle in the corner, under the thatch,” said Nance. + </p> + <p> + “Oh, I'd be afeard o' my life to stay in the house at all.” + </p> + <p> + “You'd be safe enough, I tell you,” said Nance; “for once they see that + fine young woman there,” pointing to Andy, and laughing, “they'll be + satisfied with the lob we've made for them.” + </p> + <p> + Oonah still expressed her fear of remaining in the cabin. + </p> + <p> + “Then hide in the pratee-trench, behind the house.” + </p> + <p> + “That's better,” said Oonah. + </p> + <p> + “And now I must be going,” said Nance; “for they must not see me when they + come.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, don't leave me, Nance dear,” cried Oonah, “for I'm sure I'll faint + with the fright when I hear them coming, if some one is not with me.” + </p> + <p> + Nance yielded to Oonah's fears and entreaties, and with many a blessing + and boundless thanks for the beggar-woman's kindness, Oonah led the way to + the little potato garden at the back of the house, and there the women + squatted themselves in one of the trenches and awaited the impending + event. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0005" id="linkimage-0005"></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:80%"> + <img src="images/abduction.jpg" alt="The Abduction" width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + It was not long in arriving. The tramp of approaching horses at a sharp + pace rang through the stillness of the night, and the women, crouching + flat beneath the overspreading branches of the potato tops, lay breathless + in the bottom of the trench, as the riders came up to the widow's cottage + and entered. There they found the widow and her pseudo niece sitting at + the fire; and three drunken vagabonds, for the fourth was holding the + horses outside, cut some fantastic capers round the cabin, and making a + mock obeisance to the widow, the spokesman addressed her with— + </p> + <p> + “Your sarvant, ma'am!” + </p> + <p> + “Who are yiz at all, gintleman, that comes to my place at this time o' + night, and what's your business?” + </p> + <p> + “We want the loan o' that young woman there, ma'am,” said the ruffian. + </p> + <p> + Andy and his mother both uttered small squalls. + </p> + <p> + “And as for who we are, ma'am, we're the blessed society of Saint Joseph, + ma'am—our coat of arms is two heads upon one pillow, and our motty, + 'Who's afraid?—Hurroo!'” shouted the savage, and he twirled his + stick and cut another caper. Then coming up to Andy, he addressed him as + “young woman,” and said there was a fine strapping fellow whose heart was + breaking till he “rowled her in his arms.” + </p> + <p> + Andy and the mother both acted their parts very well. He rushed to the + arms of the old woman for protection, and screeched small, while the widow + shouted “<i>millia murther!</i>” at the top of her voice, and did not give + up her hold of the make-believe young woman until her cap was torn half + off, and her hair streamed about her face. She called on all the saints in + the calendar, as she knelt in the middle of the floor and rocked to and + fro, with her clasped hands raised to heaven, calling down curses on the + “villains and robbers” that were tearing her child from her, while they + threatened to stop her breath altogether if she did not make less noise, + and in the midst of the uproar dragged off Andy, whose struggles and + despair might have excited the suspicion of soberer men. They lifted him + up on a stout horse, in front of the most powerful man of the party, who + gripped Andy hard round the middle and pushed his horse to a hand gallop, + followed by the rest of the party. The proximity of Andy to his <i>cavaliero</i> + made the latter sensible to the bad odour of the pig's bed, which formed + Andy's luxurious bust and bustle; but he attributed the unsavoury scent to + a bad breath on the lady's part, and would sometimes address his charge + thus:— + </p> + <p> + “Young woman, if you plaze, would you turn your face th' other way;” then + in a side soliloquy, “By Jaker, I wondher at Jack's taste—she's a + fine lump of a girl, but her breath is murther intirely—phew—young + woman, turn away your face, or by this and that I'll fall off the horse. + I've heerd of a bad breath that might knock a man down, but I never met it + till now. Oh, murther! it's worse it's growin'—I suppose 't is the + bumpin' she's gettin' that shakes the breath out of her sthrong—oh, + there it is again—phew!” + </p> + <p> + It was as well, perhaps, for the prosecution of the deceit, that the + distaste the fellow conceived for his charge prevented any closer + approaches to Andy's visage, which might have dispelled the illusion under + which he still pushed forward to the hills and bumped poor Andy towards + the termination of his ride. Keeping a sharp look-out as he went along, + Andy soon was able to perceive they were making for that wild part of the + hills where he had discovered the private still on the night of his + temporary fright and imaginary rencontre with the giants, and the + conversation he partly overheard all recurred to him, and he saw at once + that Oonah was the person alluded to, whose name he could not catch, a + circumstance that cost him many a conjecture in the interim. This gave him + a clue to the persons into whose power he was about to fall, after having + so far defeated their scheme, and he saw he should have to deal with very + desperate and lawless parties. Remembering, moreover, the herculean frame + of the inamorato, he calculated on an awful thrashing as the smallest + penalty he should have to pay for deceiving him, but was, nevertheless, + determined to go through the adventure with a good heart, to make deceit + serve his turn as long as he might, and at the last, if necessary, to make + the best fight he could. + </p> + <p> + As it happened, luck favoured Andy in his adventure, for the hero of the + blunderbuss (and he, it will be remembered, was the love-sick gentleman) + drank profusely on the night in question, quaffing deep potations to the + health of his Oonah, wishing luck to his friends and speed to their + horses, and every now and then ascending the ladder from the cave, and + looking out for the approach of the party. On one of these occasions, from + the unsteadiness of the ladder, or himself, or perhaps both, his foot + slipped, and he came to the ground with a heavy fall, in which his head + received so severe a blow that he became insensible, and it was some time + before his sister, who was an inhabitant of this den, could restore him to + consciousness. This she did, however, and the savage recovered all the + senses the whisky had left him; but still the stunning effect of the fall + cooled his courage considerably, and, as it were, “bothered” him so, that + he felt much less of the “gallant gay Lothario” than he had done before + the accident. + </p> + <p> + The tramp of horses was heard overhead ere long, and <i>Shan More</i>, or + Big John, as the Hercules was called, told Bridget to go up to “the + darlin',” and help her down. + </p> + <p> + “For that's a blackguard laddher,” said he; “it turned undher me like an + eel, bad luck to it!—tell her I'd go up myself, only the ground is + slipping from undher me—and the laddher—” + </p> + <p> + Bridget went off, leaving Jack growling forth anathemas against the ground + and the ladder, and returned speedily with the mock-lady and her attendant + squires. + </p> + <p> + “Oh, my jewel!” roared Jack, as he caught sight of his prize. He scrambled + up on his legs, and made a rush at Andy, who imitated a woman's scream and + fright at the expected embrace; but it was with much greater difficulty he + suppressed his laughter at the headlong fall with which Big Jack plunged + his head into a heap of turf, [Footnote: Peat] and hugged a sack of malt + which lay beside it. + </p> + <p> + Andy endeavoured to overcome the provocation to merriment by screeching; + and as Bridget caught the sound of this tendency towards laughter between + the screams, she thought it was the commencement of a fit of hysterics, + and it accounted all the better for Andy's extravagant antics. + </p> + <p> + “Oh, the craythur is frightened out of her life!” said Bridget. “Leave her + to me,” said she to the men. “There, jewel machree!” she continued to + Andy, soothingly, “don't take on you that way—don't be afeerd, + you're among friends—Jack is only dhrunk dhrinking your health, + darlin', but he adores you.” Andy screeched. + </p> + <p> + “But don't be afeerd, you'll be thrated tender, and he'll marry you, + darlin', like an honest woman!” + </p> + <p> + Andy squalled. + </p> + <p> + “But not to-night, jewel—don't be frightened.” + </p> + <p> + Andy gave a heavy sob at the respite. + </p> + <p> + “Boys, will you lift Jack out o' the turf, and carry him up into the air? + 't will be good for him, and this dacent girl will sleep with me + to-night.” + </p> + <p> + Andy couldn't resist a laugh at this, and Bridget feared the girl was + going off into hysterics again. + </p> + <p> + “Aisy, dear—aisy—sure you'll be safe with me.” + </p> + <p> + “Ow! ow! ow!” shouted Andy. + </p> + <p> + “Oh, murther!” cried Bridget, “the sterricks will be the death of her! You + blackguards, you frightened her coming up here, I'm sure.” + </p> + <p> + The men swore they behaved in the genteelest manner. “Well, take away + Jack, and the girl shall have share of my bed for this night.” + </p> + <p> + Andy shook internally with laughter. + </p> + <p> + “Dear, dear, how she thrimbles!” cried Bridget, “Don't be so frightful, <i>lanna + machree</i>—there, now—they're taking Jack away, and you're + alone with myself and will have a nice sleep.” + </p> + <p> + The men all the time were removing <i>Shan More</i> to upper air; and the + last sounds they heard as they left the cave were the coaxing tones of + Bridget's voice, inviting Andy, in the softest words, to go to bed. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0014" id="link2HCH0014"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXXV + </h2> + <p> + The workshops of Neck-or-Nothing Hall rang with the sounds of occupation + for two days after the demise of its former master. The hoarse grating + sound of the saw, the whistling of the plane, and the stroke of the mallet + denoted the presence of the carpenter; and the sharper clink of a hammer + told of old Fogy, the family “milliner,” being at work; but it was not on + millinery Fogy was now employed, though neither was it legitimate tinker's + work. He was scrolling out with his shears, and beating into form, a plate + of tin, to serve for the shield on O'Grady's coffin, which was to record + his name, age, and day of departure; and this was the second plate on + which the old man worked, for one was already finished in the corner. Why + are there two coffin-plates? Enter the carpenter's shop, and you will see + the answer in two coffins the carpenter has nearly completed. But why two + coffins for one death? Listen, reader, to a bit of Irish strategy. + </p> + <p> + It has been stated that an apprehension was entertained of a seizure of + the inanimate body of O'Grady for the debts it had contracted in life, and + the harpy nature of the money-lender from whom this movement was dreaded + warranted the fear. Had O'Grady been popular, such a measure on the part + of a cruel creditor might have been defied, as the surrounding peasantry + would have risen <i>en masse</i> to prevent it; but the hostile position + in which he had placed himself towards the people alienated the natural + affection they are born with for their chiefs, and any partial defence the + few fierce retainers whom individual interest had attached to him could + have made might have been insufficient; therefore, to save his father's + remains from the pollution (as the son considered) of a bailiff's touch, + Gustavus determined to achieve by stratagem what he could not accomplish + by force, and had two coffins constructed, the one to be filled with + stones and straw, and sent out by the front entrance with all the + demonstration of a real funeral, and be given up to the attack it was + feared would be made upon it while the other, put to its legitimate use, + should be placed on a raft, and floated down the river to an ancient + burial-ground which lay some miles below on the opposite bank. A facility + for this was afforded by a branch of the river running up into the domain, + as it will be remembered; and the scene of the bearish freaks played upon + Furlong was to witness a trick of a more serious nature. + </p> + <p> + While all these preparations were going forward, the “waking” was kept up + in all the barbarous style of old times; eating and drinking in profusion + went on in the house, and the kitchen of the hall rang with joviality. The + feats of sports and arms of the man who had passed away were lauded, and + his comparative achievements with those of his progenitors gave rise to + many a stirring anecdote; and bursts of barbarous exultation, or more + barbarous merriment, rang in the house of death. There was no lack of + whisky to fire the brains of these revellers, for the standard of the + measurement of family grandeur was, too often, a liquid one in Ireland, + even so recently as the time we speak of; and the dozens of wine wasted + during the life it helped to shorten, and the posthumous gallons consumed + in toasting to the memory of the departed, were among the cherished + remembrances of hereditary honour. “There were two hogsheads of whisky + drank at my father's wake!” was but a moderate boast of a true Irish + squire, fifty years ago. + </p> + <p> + And now the last night of the wake approached, and the retainers thronged + to honour the obsequies of their departed chief with an increased + enthusiasm, which rose in proportion as the whisky got low; and songs in + praise of their present occupation—that is, getting drunk—rang + merrily round, and the sports of the field and the sorrows and joys of + love resounded; in short, the ruling passions of life figured in rhyme and + music in honour of this occasion of death—and as death is the maker + of widows, a very animated discussion on the subject of widowhood arose, + which afforded great scope for the rustic wits, and was crowned by the + song of “Widow Machree” being universally called for by the company; and a + fine-looking fellow with a merry eye and large white teeth, which he amply + displayed by a wide mouth, poured forth in cheery tones a pretty lively + air which suited well the humorous spirit of the words:— + </p> + <h3> + WIDOW MACHREE + </h3> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + “Widow <i>machree</i>, it's no wonder you frown, + Och hone! widow machree: + 'Faith, it ruins your looks, that same dirty black gown, + Och hone! widow machree. + How altered your hair, + With that close cap you wear— + 'Tis destroying your hair + Which should be flowing free: + Be no longer a churl + Of its black silken curl, + Och hone! widow machree. + + “Widow machree, now the summer is come, + Och hone! widow machree; + When everything smiles, should a beauty look glum! + Och hone! widow machree. + See the birds go in pairs, + And the rabbits and hares— + Why even the bears + Now in couples agree; + And the mute little fish, + Though they can't spake, they wish, + Och hone! widow machree. + + “Widow machree, and when winter comes in, + Och hone! widow machree, + To be poking the fire all alone is a sin, + Och hone! widow machree, + Sure the shovel and tongs + To each other belongs, + And the kittle sings songs + Full of family glee, + While alone with your cup, + Like a hermit <i>you</i> sup— + Och hone! widow machree. + + “And how do you know, with the comforts I've towld, + Och hone! widow machree, + But you're keeping some poor fellow out in the cowld, + Och hone! widow machree. + With such sins on your head, + Sure your peace would be fled, + Could you sleep in your bed, + Without thinking to see + Some ghost or some sprite, + That would wake you each night, + Crying, 'Och hone! widow machree.' + + “Then take my advice, darling widow machree, + Och hone! widow machree, + And with my advice, 'faith I wish you'd take me, + Och hone! widow machree. + You'd have me to desire + Then to sit by the fire; + And sure hope is no liar + In whispering to me + That the ghosts would depart, + When you'd me near your heart, + Och hone! widow machree.” + </pre> + <p> + The singer was honoured with a round of applause, and his challenge for + another lay was readily answered, and mirth and music filled the night and + ushered in the dawn of the day which was to witness the melancholy sight + of the master of an ample mansion being made the tenant of the “narrow + house.” + </p> + <p> + In the evening of that day, however, the wail rose loud and long; the + mirth which “the waking” permits had passed away, and the <i>ulican</i>, + or funeral cry, told that the lifeless chief was being borne from his + hall. That wild cry was heard even by the party who were waiting to make + their horrid seizure, and for <i>that</i> party the stone-laden coffin was + sent with a retinue of mourners through the old iron gate of the principal + entrance, while the mortal remains were borne by a smaller party to the + river inlet and placed on the raft. Half an hour had witnessed a sham + fight on the part of O'Grady's people with the bailiffs and their + followers, who made the seizure they intended, and locked up their prize + in an old barn to which it had been conveyed, until some engagement on the + part of the heir should liberate it; while the aforesaid heir, as soon as + the shadows of evening had shrouded the river in obscurity, conveyed the + remains, which the myrmidons of the law fancied they possessed, to its + quiet and lonely resting-place. The raft was taken in tow by a boat + carrying two of the boys, and pulled by four lusty retainers of the + departed chief, while Gustavus himself stood on the raft, astride over the + coffin, and with an eel-spear, which had afforded him many a day's sport, + performed the melancholy task of guiding it. It was a strangely painful + yet beautiful sight to behold the graceful figure of the fine boy engaged + in this last sad duty; with dexterous energy he plied his spear, now on + this side and now on that, directing the course of the raft, or clearing + it from the flaggers which interrupted its passage through the narrow + inlet. This duty he had to attend to for some time, even after leaving the + little inlet; for the river was much overgrown with flaggers at this + point, and the increasing darkness made the task more difficult. + </p> + <p> + In the midst of all this action not one word was spoken, even the sturdy + boatmen were mute, and the fall of the oar in the rowlock, the plash of + the water, and the crushing sound of the yielding rushes as the “watery + bier” made its way through them were the only sounds which broke the + silence. Still Gustavus betrayed no emotion; but by the time they reached + the open stream, and that his personal exertion was no longer required, a + change came over him. It was night,—the measured beat of the oars + sounded like a knell to him—there was darkness above him and death + below, and he sank down upon the coffin, and plunging his face + passionately between his hands, he wept bitterly. Sad were the thoughts + that oppressed the brain and wrung the heart of the high-spirited boy. He + felt that his dead father was <i>escaping</i>, as it were, to the grave,—that + even death did not terminate the consequences of an ill-spent life. He + felt like a thief in the night, even in the execution of his own + stratagem, and the bitter thoughts of that sad and solemn time wrought a + potent spell over after-years; that one hour of misery and disgrace + influenced the entire of a future life. + </p> + <p> + On a small hill overhanging the river was the ruin of an ancient early + temple of Christianity, and to its surrounding burial-ground a few of the + retainers had been despatched to prepare a grave. They were engaged in + this task by the light of a torch made of bog-pine, when the flicker of + the flame attracted the eye of a horseman who was riding slowly along the + neighbouring road. Wondering what could be the cause of light in such a + place, he leaped the adjoining fence and rode up to the grave-yard. + </p> + <p> + “What are you doing here?” he said to the labourers. They paused and + looked up, and the flash of the torch fell upon the features of Edward + O'Connor. “We're finishing your work,” said one of the men with malicious + earnestness. + </p> + <p> + “My work?” repeated Edward. + </p> + <p> + “Yes,” returned the man, more sternly than before—“this is the grave + of O'Grady.” + </p> + <p> + The words went like an ice-bolt through Edward's heart, and even by the + torchlight the tormentor could see his victim grew livid. + </p> + <p> + The fellow who wounded so deeply one so generally beloved as Edward + O'Connor was a thorough ruffian. His answer to Edward's query sprang not + from love of O'Grady, nor abhorrence of taking human life, but from the + opportunity of retort which the occasion offered upon one who had once + checked him in an act of brutality. + </p> + <p> + Yet Edward O'Connor could not reply—it was a home thrust. The death + of O'Grady had weighed heavily upon him; for though O'Grady's wound had + been given in honourable combat, provoked by his own fury, and not + producing immediate death; though that death had supervened upon the + subsequent intractability of the patient; yet the fact that O'Grady had + never been “up and doing” since the duel tended to give the impression + that his wound was the remote if not the immediate cause of his death, and + this circumstance weighed heavily on Edward's spirits. His friends told + him he felt over keenly upon the subject, and that no one but himself + could entertain a question of <i>his</i> total innocence of O'Grady's + death; but when from the lips of a common peasant he got the answer he + did, and <i>that</i> beside the grave of his adversary, it will not be + wondered at that he reeled in his saddle. A cold shivering sickness came + over him, and to avoid falling he alighted and leaned for support against + his horse, which stooped, when freed from the restraint of the rein, to + browse on the rank verdure; and for a moment Edward envied the + unconsciousness of the animal against which he leaned. He pressed his + forehead against the saddle, and from the depth of a bleeding heart came + up an agonised exclamation. + </p> + <p> + A gentle hand was laid on his shoulder as he spoke, and, turning round, he + beheld Mr. Bermingham. + </p> + <p> + “What brings you here?” said the clergyman. + </p> + <p> + “Accident,” answered Edward. “But why should I say accident?—it is + by a higher authority and a better—it is the will of Heaven. It is + meant as a bitter lesson to human pride: we make for ourselves laws of <i>honour</i>, + and forget the laws of God!” + </p> + <p> + “Be calm, my young friend,” said the worthy pastor; “I cannot wonder you + feel deeply—but command yourself.” He pressed Edward's hand as he + spoke and left him, for he knew that an agony so keen is not benefited by + companionship. + </p> + <p> + Mr. Bermingham was there by appointment to perform the burial service, and + he had not left Edward's side many minutes when a long wild whistle from + the waters announced the arrival of the boat and raft, and the retainers + ran down to the river, leaving the pine-torch stuck in the upturned earth, + waving its warm blaze over the cold grave. During the interval which + ensued between the departure of the men and their reappearance, bearing + the body to its last resting-place, Mr. Bermingham spoke with Edward + O'Connor, and soothed him into a more tranquil bearing. When the coffin + came within view he advanced to meet it, and began the sublime + burial-service, which he repeated most impressively. When it was over, the + men commenced filling up the grave. As the clods fell upon the coffin, + they smote the hearts of the dead man's children; yet the boys stood upon + the verge of the grave as long as a vestige of the tenement of their lost + father could be seen; but as soon as the coffin was hidden, they withdrew + from the brink, and the younger boys, each taking hold of the hand of the + eldest, seemed to imply the need of mutual dependence:—as if death + had drawn closer the bond of brotherhood. + </p> + <p> + There was no sincerer mourner at that place than Edward O'Connor, who + stood aloof, in respect for the feelings of the children of the departed + man, till the grave was quite filled up, and all were about to leave the + spot; but then his feelings overmastered him, and, impelled by a torrent + of contending emotions, he rushed forward, and throwing himself on his + knees before Gustavus, he held up his hands imploringly, and sobbed forth, + “Forgive me!” + </p> + <p> + The astonished boy drew back. + </p> + <p> + “Oh, forgive me!” repeated Edward—“I could not help it—it was + forced on me—it was—” + </p> + <p> + As he struggled for utterance, even the rough retainers were touched, and + one of them exclaimed, “Oh, Mr. O'Connor, it was a fair fight!” + </p> + <p> + “There!” exclaimed Edward—“you hear it! Oh, give me your hand in + forgiveness!” + </p> + <p> + “I forgive you,” said the boy, “but do not ask me to give you my hand + to-night.” + </p> + <p> + “You are right” said Edward, springing to his feet—“you are right—you + are a noble fellow; and now, remember my parting words, Gustavus:—Here, + by the side of your father's grave, I pledge you my soul that through life + and till death, in all extremity, Edward O'Connor is your sworn and trusty + friend.” + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0015" id="link2HCH0015"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXXVI + </h2> + <p> + While the foregoing scene of sadness took place in the lone churchyard, + unholy watch was kept over the second coffin by the myrmidons of the law. + The usurer who made the seizure had brought down from Dublin three of the + most determined bailiffs from amongst the tribe, and to their care was + committed the keeping of the supposed body in the old barn. Associated + with these worthies were a couple of ill-conditioned country blackguards, + who, for the sake of a bottle of whisky, would keep company with Old Nick + himself, and who expected, moreover, to hear “a power o' news” from the + “gentlemen” from Dublin, who, in their turn did not object to have their + guard strengthened, as their notions of a rescue in the country parts of + Ireland were anything but agreeable. The night was cold, so, clearing away + from one end of the barn the sheaves of corn with which it was stored, + they made a turf fire, stretched themselves on a good shake-down of straw + before the cheering blaze, and circulated among them the whisky, of which + they had a good store. A tap at the door announced a new-comer; but the + Dublin bailiffs, fearing a surprise, hesitated to open to the knock until + their country allies assured them it was a friend whose voice they + recognised. The door was opened, and in walked Larry Hogan, to pick up his + share of what was going, whatever it might be, saying— + </p> + <p> + “I thought you wor for keeping me out altogether.” + </p> + <p> + “The gintlemin from Dublin was afeard of what they call a riskya” + (rescue), said the peasant, “till I told them 't was a friend.” + </p> + <p> + “Divil a riskya will come near you to-night,” said Larry, “you may make + your minds aisy about that, for the people doesn't care enough about <i>his</i> + bones to get their own broke in savin' him, and no wondher. It's a + lantherumswash bully he always was, quiet as he is now. And there you are, + my bold squire,” said he, apostrophising the coffin which had been thrown + on a heap of sheaves. “Faix, it's a good kitchen you kep', anyhow, + whenever you had it to spind; and indeed when you <i>hadn't</i> you spint + it all the same, for the divil a much you cared how you got it; but death + has made you pay the reckoning at last—that thing that + filly-officers call the debt o' nature must be paid, whatever else you may + owe.” + </p> + <p> + “Why, it's as good as a sarmon to hear you,” said one of the bailiffs. “O + Larry, sir, discourses iligant,” said a peasant. + </p> + <p> + “Tut, tut, tut,” said Larry, with affected modesty: “it's not what <i>I</i> + say, but I can tell you a thing that Docthor Growlin' put out on him more + nor a year ago, which was mighty 'cute. Scholars calls it an 'epithet of + dissipation,' which means getting a man's tombstone ready for him before + he dies; and divil a more cutting thing was ever cut on a tombstone than + the doctor's rhyme; this is it— + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 'Here lies O'Grady, that cantankerous creature, + Who paid, as all must pay, the debt of nature; + But, keeping to his general maxim still, + Paid it—like other debts—against his will.'” + </pre> + <p> + [Footnote: These bitter lines on a “bad pay” were written by a Dublin + medical wit of high repute, of whom Dr. Growling is a prototype.] + </p> + <p> + “What do <i>you</i> think o' that, Goggins?” inquired one bailiff from the + other; “you're a judge o' po'thry.” + </p> + <p> + “It's <i>sevare,”</i> answered Goggins, authoritatively, “but <i>coorse,</i> + I wish you'd brile the rashers; I begin to feel the calls o' nature, as + the poet says.” + </p> + <p> + This Mister Goggins was a character in his way. He had the greatest + longing to be thought a poet, put execrable couplets together sometimes, + and always talked as fine as he could; and his mixture of sentimentality, + with a large stock of blackguardism, produced a strange jumble. + </p> + <p> + “The people here thought it nate, sir,” said Larry. + </p> + <p> + “Oh, very well for the country!” said Goggins; “but 't wouldn't do for + town.” + </p> + <p> + “Misther Coggings knows best,” said the bailiff who first spoke, “for he's + a pote himself, and writes in the newspapers.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, indeed!” said Larry. + </p> + <p> + “Yes,” said Goggins, “sometimes I throw off little things for the + newspapers. There's a friend of mine you see, a gentleman connected with + the press, who is often in defficulties, and I give him a hint to keep out + o' the way when he's in trouble, and he swears I've a genus for the muses, + and encourages me—” + </p> + <p> + “Humph!” says Larry. + </p> + <p> + “And puts my things in the paper, when he gets the editor's back turned, + for the editor is a consaited chap that likes no one's po'thry but his + own; but never mind—if I ever get a writ against that chap, <i>won't</i> + I sarve it!” + </p> + <p> + “And I dar say some day you will have it agen him, sir,” said Larry. + </p> + <p> + “Sure of it, a'most,” said Goggins; “them litherary men is always in + defficulties.” + </p> + <p> + “I wondher you'd be like them, then, and write at all,” said Larry. + </p> + <p> + “Oh, as for me, it's only by way of amusement; attached as I am to the + legal profession, my time wouldn't permit; but I have been infected by the + company I kept. The living images that creeps over a man sometimes is + irresistible, and you have no pace till you get them out o' your head.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, indeed, they are very throublesome,” says Larry, “and are the + litherary gintlemen, sir, as you call them, mostly that way?” + </p> + <p> + “To be sure; it is <i>that</i> which makes a litherary man: his head is + full—teems with creation, sir.” + </p> + <p> + “Dear, dear!” said Larry. + </p> + <p> + “And when once the itch of litherature comes over a man, nothing can cure + it but the scratching of a pen.” + </p> + <p> + “But if you have not a pen, I suppose you must scratch any other way you + can.” + </p> + <p> + “To be sure,” said Goggins, “I have seen a litherary gentleman in a + sponging-house do crack things on the wall with a bit of burnt stick, + rather than be idle—they must execute.” + </p> + <p> + “Ha!” says Larry. + </p> + <p> + “Sometimes, in all their poverty and difficulty, I envy the 'fatal + fatality,' as the poet says, of such men in catching ideas.” + </p> + <p> + “That's the genteel name for it,” says Larry. + </p> + <p> + “Oh!” exclaimed Goggins, enthusiastically, “I know the satisfaction of + catching a man, but it's nothing at all compared to catching an idea. For + the man, you see, can give hail and get off, but the idea is your own for + ever. And then a rhyme—when it has puzzled you all day, the pleasure + you have in <i>nabbing</i> it at last!” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, it's po'thry you're spakin' about,” said Larry. + </p> + <p> + “To be sure,” said Goggins; “do you think I'd throw away my time on prose? + You're burning that bacon, Tim,” said he to his <i>sub</i>. + </p> + <p> + “Poethry, agen the world!” continued he to Larry, “the Castilian sthraime + for me!—Hand us that whisky”—he put the bottle to his mouth + and took a swig—“That's good—you do a bit of private here, I + suspect,” said he, with a wink, pointing to the bottle. + </p> + <p> + Larry returned a significant grin, but said nothing. Oh, don't be afraid + o' me—I would n't'peach—” + </p> + <p> + “Sure it's agen the law, and you're a gintleman o' the law,” said Larry. + </p> + <p> + “That's no rule,” said Goggins: “the Lord Chief Justice always goes to + bed, they say, with six tumblers o' potteen under his belt; and dhrink it + myself.” + </p> + <p> + “Arrah, how do you get it?” said Larry. + </p> + <p> + “From a gentleman, a friend o' mine, in the Custom-house.” + </p> + <p> + “A-dad, that's quare,” said Larry, laughing. + </p> + <p> + “Oh, we see queer things, I tell you,” said Goggins, “we gentlemen of the + law.” + </p> + <p> + “To be sure you must,” returned Larry; “and mighty improvin' it must be. + Did you ever catch a thief, sir?” + </p> + <p> + “My good man, you mistake my profession,” said Goggins, proudly; “we never + have anything to do in the <i>criminal</i> line, that's much beneath <i>us</i>.” + </p> + <p> + “I ax your pardon, sir.” + </p> + <p> + “No offence—no offence.” + </p> + <p> + “But it must be mighty improvin', I think, ketching of thieves, and + finding out their thricks and hidin'-places, and the like?” + </p> + <p> + “Yes, yes,” said Goggins, “good fun; though I don't do it, I know all + about it, and could tell queer things too.” + </p> + <p> + “Arrah, maybe you would, sir?” said Larry. + </p> + <p> + “Maybe I will, after we nibble some rashers—will you take share?” + </p> + <p> + “Musha, long life to you,” said Larry, always willing to get whatever he + could. A repast was now made, more resembling a feast of savages round + their war-fire than any civilised meal; slices of bacon broiled in the + fire, and eggs roasted in the turf-ashes. The viands were not + objectionable; but the cooking! Oh!—there was neither gridiron nor + frying-pan, fork nor spoon; a couple of clasp-knives served the whole + party. Nevertheless, they satisfied their hunger and then sent the bottle + on its exhilarating round. Soon after that, many a story of burglary, + robbery, swindling, petty larceny, and every conceivable crime, was + related for the amusement of the circle; and the plots and counterplots of + thieves and thief-takers raised the wonder of the peasants. Larry Hogan + was especially delighted; more particularly when some trick of either + villany or cunning came out. + </p> + <p> + “Now women are troublesome cattle to deal with mostly,” said Goggins. + “They are remarkably 'cute first, and then they are spiteful after; and + for circumventin' <i>either</i> way are sharp hands. You see they do it + quieter than men; a man will make a noise about it, but a woman does it + all on the sly. There was Bill Morgan—and a sharp fellow he was, too—and + he had set his heart on some silver spoons he used to see down in a + kitchen windy, but the servant-maid, somehow or other, suspected there was + designs about the place, and was on the watch. Well, one night, when she + was all alone, she heard a noise outside the windy, so she kept as quiet + as a mouse. By-and-by the sash was attempted to be riz from the outside, + so she laid hold of a kittle of boiling wather and stood hid behind the + shutter. The windy was now riz a little, and a hand and arm thrust in to + throw up the sash altogether, when the girl poured the boiling wather down + the sleeve of Bill's coat. Bill roared with the pain, when the girl said + to him, laughing, through the windy, 'I <i>thought</i> you came for + something.'” + </p> + <p> + “That was a 'cute girl,” said Larry, chuckling. + </p> + <p> + “Well, now, that's an instance of a woman's cleverness in preventing. I'll + teach you one of her determination to discover and prosecute to + conviction; and in this case, what makes it curious is, that Jack Tate had + done the bowldest thing, and run the greatest risks, 'the eminent deadly,' + as the poet says, when he was done up at last by a feather-bed.” + </p> + <p> + “A feather-bed,” repeated Larry, wondering how a feather-bed could + influence the fate of a bold burglar, while Goggins mistook his + exclamation of surprise to signify the paltriness of the prize, and + therefore chimed in with him. + </p> + <p> + “Quite true—no wonder you wonder—quite below a man of his + pluck; but the fact was, a sweetheart of his was longing for a + feather-bed, and Jack determined to get it. Well, he marched into a house, + the door of which he found open, and went up-stairs, and took the best + feather-bed in the house, tied it up in the best quilt, crammed some caps + and ribbons he saw lying about into the bundle, and marched down-stairs + again; but you see, in carrying off even the small thing of a feather-bed, + Jack showed the skill of a high practitioner, for he descendhered the + stairs backwards.” + </p> + <p> + “Backwards!” said Larry, “what was that for?” + </p> + <p> + “You'll see by-and-by,” said Goggins; “he descendhered backwards when + suddenly he heard a door opening, and a faymale voice exclaim, 'Where are + you going with that bed?' + </p> + <p> + “'I am going up-stairs with it, ma'am,' says Jack, whose backward position + favoured his lie, and he began to walk up again. + </p> + <p> + “'Come down here,' said the lady, 'we want no beds here, man.' + </p> + <p> + “'Mr. Sullivan, ma'am, sent me home with it himself,' said Jack, still + mounting the stairs. + </p> + <p> + “'Come down, I tell you,' said the lady, in a great rage. 'There's no Mr. + Sullivan lives here—go out of this with your bed, you stupid + fellow.' + </p> + <p> + “'I beg your pardon, ma'am,' says Jack, turning round, and marching off + with the bed fair and aisy. Well, there was a regular shilloo in the house + when the thing was found out, and cart-ropes wouldn't howld the lady for + the rage she was in at being diddled; so she offered rewards, and the + dickens knows all; and what do you think at last discovered our poor + Jack?” + </p> + <p> + “The sweetheart, maybe,” said Larry, grinning in ecstasy at the thought of + human perfidy. + </p> + <p> + “No,” said Goggins, “honour even among sweethearts, though they do the + trick sometimes, I confess; but no woman of any honour would betray a + great man like Jack. No—'t was one of the paltry ribbons that + brought conviction home to him; the woman never lost sight of hunting up + evidence about her feather-bed, and, in the end, a ribbon out of one of + her caps settled the hash of Jack Tate.” + </p> + <p> + From robbings they went on to tell of murders, and at last that + uncomfortable sensation which people experience after a feast of horrors + began to pervade the party; and whenever they looked round, <i>there</i> + was the coffin in the background. + </p> + <p> + “Throw some turf on the fire,” said Goggins, “'t is burning low; and + change the subject; the tragic muse has reigned sufficiently long—enough + of the dagger and the bowl—sink the socks and put on the buckskins. + Leather away, Jim—sing us a song.” + </p> + <p> + “What is it to be?” asked Jim. + </p> + <p> + “Oh—that last song of the Solicitor-General's,” said Goggins, with + an air as if the Solicitor-General were his particular friend. + </p> + <p> + “About the robbery?” inquired Jim. + </p> + <p> + “To be sure,” returned Goggins. + </p> + <p> + “Dear me,” said Larry, “and would so grate a man as the Solicithor-General + demane himself by writin' about robbers?” + </p> + <p> + “Oh!” said Goggins, “those in the heavy profession of the law must have + their little private moments of rollickzation; and then high men, you see, + like to do a bit of low by way of variety. 'The Night before Larry was + stretched' was done by a bishop, they say; and 'Lord Altamont's Bull' by + the Lord Chief Justice; and the Solicitor-General is as up to fun as any + bishop of them all. Come, Jim, tip us the stave!” + </p> + <p> + Jim cleared his throat and obeyed his chief. + </p> + <h3> + THE QUAKER'S MEETING + </h3> + <h3> + I + </h3> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + “A traveller wended the wilds among, + With a purse of gold and a silver tongue; + His hat it was broad, and all drab were his clothes, + For he hated high colours—except on his nose, + And he met with a lady, the story goes. + Heigho! <i>yea</i> thee and <i>nay</i> thee. +</pre> + <h3> + II + </h3> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + “The damsel she cast him a merry blink, + And the traveller nothing was loth, I think; + Her merry black eye beamed her bonnet beneath, + And the quaker, he grinned, for he'd very good teeth, + And he asked, 'Art thee going to ride on the heath?' + Heigho! <i>yea</i> thee and <i>nay</i> thee. +</pre> + <p> + [Footnote: The inferior class of quakers make THEE serve not only its own + grammatical use, but also do the duty of THY and THINE.] + </p> + <h3> + III + </h3> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + “'I hope you'll protect me, kind sir,' said the maid, + 'As to ride this heath over I'm sadly afraid; + For robbers, they say, here in numbers abound, + And I wouldn't “for anything” I should be found, + For, between you and me, I have five hundred pound.' + Heigho! <i>yea</i> thee and <i>nay</i> thee. +</pre> + <h3> + IV + </h3> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + “'If that is thee own, dear,' the quaker he said, + 'I ne'er saw a maiden I sooner would wed; + And I have another five hundred just now, + In the padding that's under my saddle-bow, + And I'll settle it all upon thee, I vow!' + Heigho! <i>yea</i> thee and <i>nay</i> thee. +</pre> + <h3> + V + </h3> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + “The maiden she smiled, and her rein she drew, + 'Your offer I'll take, though I'll not take you;' + A pistol she held at the quaker's head— + 'Now give me your gold, or I'll give you my lead, + 'Tis under the saddle I think you said.' + Heigho! <i>yea</i> thee and <i>nay</i> thee. +</pre> + <h3> + VI + </h3> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + “The damsel she ripp'd up the saddle-bow, + And the quaker was never a quaker till now; + And he saw by the fair one he wish'd for a bride + His purse borne away with a swaggering stride, + And the eye that looked tender now only defied. + Heigho! <i>yea</i> thee and <i>nay</i> thee. +</pre> + <h3> + VII + </h3> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + “'The spirit doth move me, friend Broadbrim,' quoth she, + 'To take all this filthy temptation from thee; + For Mammon deceiveth, and beauty is fleeting: + Accept from thy <i>maai-d'n</i> a right loving greeting, + For much doth she profit by this quaker's meeting. + Heigho! <i>yea</i> thee and <i>nay</i> thee. +</pre> + <h3> + VIII + </h3> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + “'And hark! jolly quaker, so rosy and sly, + Have righteousness more than a wench in thine eye, + Don't go again peeping girls' bonnets beneath, + Remember the one that you met on the heath, + <i>Her</i> name's <i>Jimmy</i> Barlow—I tell to your teeth!' + Heigho! <i>yea</i> thee and <i>nay</i> thee. +</pre> + <h3> + IX + </h3> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + “'<i>Friend</i> James,' quoth the quaker, 'pray listen to me, + For thou canst confer a great favour, d' ye see; + The gold thou hast taken is not mine, my friend, + But my master's—and on thee I depend + To make it appear I my trust did defend. + Heigho! <i>yea</i> thee and <i>nay</i> thee. +</pre> + <h3> + X + </h3> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + “'So fire a few shots through my clothes, here and there, + To make it appear 't was a desp'rate affair.' + So Jim he popped first through the skirt of his coat, + And then through his collar quite close to his throat. + 'Now once through my broad-brim,' quoth Ephraim, 'I vote. + Heigho! <i>yea</i> thee and <i>nay</i> thee. +</pre> + <h3> + XI + </h3> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + “'I have but a brace,' said bold Jim, 'and they 're spent, + And I won't load again for a make-believe rent.' + 'Then,' said Ephraim—producing his pistols—'just give + My five hundred pounds back—or, as sure as you live, + I'll make of your body a riddle or sieve.' + Heigho! <i>yea</i> thee and <i>nay</i> thee. +</pre> + <h3> + XII + </h3> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + “Jim Barlow was diddled, and though he was game, + He saw Ephraim's pistol so deadly in aim, + That he gave up the gold, and he took to his scrapers; + And when the whole story got into the papers, + They said that '<i>the thieves were no match for the quakers</i>.' + Heigho! <i>yea</i> thee and <i>nay</i> thee.” + </pre> + <p> + “Well, it's a quare thing you should be singin' a song here,” said Larry + Hogan, “about Jim Barlow, and it's not over half a mile out of this very + place he was hanged.” + </p> + <p> + “Indeed!” exclaimed all the men at once, looking with great interest at + Larry. + </p> + <p> + “It's truth I'm telling you. He made a very bowld robbery up by the long + hill there, on <i>two</i> gintlemen, for he was mighty stout.” + </p> + <p> + “Pluck to the back-bone,” said Goggins. + </p> + <p> + “Well, he tuk the purses aff both o' them; and just as he was goin' on + afther doin' the same, what should appear on the road before him, but two + other travellers coming up forninst him. With that the men that was robbed + cried out, 'Stop thief!' and so Jim, seein' himself hemmed in betune the + four o' them, faced his horse to the ditch and took across the counthry; + but the thravellers was well mounted as well as himself, and powdhered + afther him like mad. Well, it was equal to a steeple chase a'most; and + Jim, seein' he could not shake them off, thought the best thing he could + do was to cut out some troublesome work for them; so he led off where he + knew there was the divil's own leap to take, and he intended to 'pound + [Footnote: Impound] them there, and be off in the mane time; but as ill + luck would have it, his own horse, that was as bowld as himself, and would + jump at the moon if he was faced to it, missed his foot in takin' off, and + fell short o' the leap and slipped his shouldher, and Jim himself had a + bad fall of it too, and, av coorse, it was all over wid him—and up + came the four gintlemen. Well, Jim had his pistols yet, and he pulled them + out, and swore he'd shoot the first man that attempted to take him; but + the gintlemen had pistols as well as he, and were so hot on the chase they + determined to have him, and closed on him. Jim fired and killed one o' + them; but he got a ball in the shouldher himself, from another, and he was + taken. Jim sthruv to shoot himself with his second pistol, but it missed + fire. 'The curse o' the road is on me,' said Jim; 'my pistol missed fire, + and my horse slipped his shouldher, and now I'll be scragged,' says he, + 'but it's not for nothing—I've killed one o' ye,' says he.” + </p> + <p> + “He was all pluck,” said Goggins. + </p> + <p> + “Desperate bowld,” said Larry. “Well, he was thried and condimned <i>av + coorse</i>, and was hanged, as I tell you, half a mile out o' this very + place, where we are sittin', and his appearance walks, they say, ever + since.” + </p> + <p> + “You don't say so!” said Goggins. + </p> + <p> + “'Faith, it's thrue!” answered Larry. + </p> + <p> + “You never saw it,” said Goggins. + </p> + <p> + “The Lord forbid!” returned Larry; “but it's thrue, for all that. For you + see the big house near this barn, that is all in ruin, was desarted + because Jim's ghost used to walk.” + </p> + <p> + “That was foolish,” said Goggins; “stir up the fire, Jim, and hand me the + whisky.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, if it was only walkin', they might have got over that; but at last + one night, as the story goes, when there was a thremendious storm o' wind + and rain—” + </p> + <p> + “Whisht!” said one of the peasants, “what's that?” + </p> + <p> + As they listened, they heard the beating of heavy rain against the door, + and the wind howled through its chinks. + </p> + <p> + “Well,” said Goggins, “what are you stopping for?” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, I'm not stoppin',” said Larry; “I was sayin' that it was a bad wild + night, and Jimmy Barlow's appearance came into the house and asked them + for a glass o' sper'ts, and that he'd be obleeged to them if they'd help + him with his horse that slipped his shouldher; and, 'faith, afther <i>that</i>, + they'd stay in the place no longer; and signs on it, the house is gone to + rack and ruin, and it's only this barn that is kept up at all, because + it's convaynient for owld Skinflint on the farm.” + </p> + <p> + “That's all nonsense,” said Goggins, who wished, nevertheless, that he had + not heard the “nonsense.” + </p> + <p> + “Come, sing another song, Jim.” + </p> + <p> + Jim said he did not remember one. + </p> + <p> + “Then you sing, Ralph.” + </p> + <p> + Ralph said every one knew he never did more than join a chorus. + </p> + <p> + “Then join me in a chorus,” said Goggins, “for I'll sing, if Jim's + afraid.” + </p> + <p> + “I'm not afraid,” said Jim. + </p> + <p> + “Then why won't you sing?” + </p> + <p> + “Because I don't like.” + </p> + <p> + “Ah!” exclaimed Goggins. + </p> + <p> + “Well, maybe you're afraid yourself,” said Jim, “if you towld thruth.” + “Just to show you how little I'm afeard,” said Goggins, with a swaggering + air, “I'll sing another song about Jimmy Barlow.” + </p> + <p> + “You'd better not,” said Larry Hogan. “Let him rest in pace!” + </p> + <p> + “Fudge!” said Goggins. “Will you join chorus, Jim?” + </p> + <p> + “I will,” said Jim, fiercely. + </p> + <p> + “We'll all join,” said the men (except Larry), who felt it would be a sort + of relief to bully away the supernatural terror which hung round their + hearts after the ghost story by the sound of their own voices. + </p> + <p> + “Then here goes!” said Goggins, who started another long ballad about + Jimmy Barlow, in the opening of which all joined. It ran as follows:— + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + “My name it is Jimmy Barlow, + I was born in the town of Carlow, + And here I lie in the Maryborough jail, + All for the robbing of the Wicklow mail. + Fol de rol de rol de riddle-ido!” + </pre> + <p> + As it would be tiresome to follow this ballad through all its length, + breadth, and thickness, we shall leave the singers engaged in their + chorus, while we call the reader's attention to a more interesting person + than Mister Goggins or Jimmy Barlow. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0016" id="link2HCH0016"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXXVII + </h2> + <p> + When Edward O'Connor had hurried from the burial-place, he threw himself + into his saddle, and urged his horse to speed, anxious to fly the spot + where his feelings had been so harrowed; and as he swept along through the + cold night wind which began to rise in gusty fits, and howled past him, + there was in the violence of his rapid motion something congenial to the + fierce career of painful thoughts which chased each other through his + heated brain. He continued to travel at this rapid pace, so absorbed in + bitter reflection as to be quite insensible to external impressions, and + he knew not how far nor how fast he was going, though the heavy breathing + of his horse at any other time would have been signal sufficient to draw + the rein; but still he pressed onward, and still the storm increased, and + each acclivity was topped but to sweep down the succeeding slope at the + same desperate pace. Hitherto the road over which he pursued his fleet + career lay through an open country, and though the shades of a stormy + night hung above it, the horse could make his way in safety through the + gloom; but now they approached an old road which skirted an ancient + domain, whose venerable trees threw their arms across the old causeway, + and added their shadows to the darkness of the night. + </p> + <p> + Many and many a time had Edward ridden in the soft summer under the green + shade of these very trees, in company with Fanny Dawson, his guiltless + heart full of hope and love; perhaps it was this very thought crossing his + mind at the moment which made his present circumstances the more + oppressive. He was guiltless no longer—he rode not in happiness with + the woman he adored under the soft shade of summer trees, but heard the + wintry wind howl through their leafless boughs as he hurried in maddened + speed beneath them, and heard in the dismal sound but an echo of the voice + of remorse which was ringing through his heart. The darkness was intense + from the canopy of old oaks which overhung the road, but still the horse + was urged through the dark ravine at speed, though one might not see an + arm's length before. Fearlessly it was performed, though ever and anon, as + the trees swung about their heavy branches in the storm, smaller portions + of the boughs were snapped off and flung in the faces of the horse and the + rider, who still spurred and plashed his headlong way through the heavy + road beneath. Emerging at length from the deep and overshadowed valley, a + steep hill raised its crest in advance, but still up the stony acclivity + the feet of the mettled steed rattled rapidly, and flashed fire from the + flinty path. As they approached the top of the hill, the force of the + storm became more apparent; and on reaching its crest, the fierce pelting + of the mingled rain and hail made the horse impatient of the storm of + which his rider was heedless—almost unconscious. The spent animal + with short snortings betokened his labour, and shook his head passionately + as the fierce hail-shower struck him in the eyes and nostrils. Still, + however, was he urged downward, but he was no longer safe. Quite blown, + and pressed over a rough descent, the generous creature, that would die + rather than refuse, made a false step, and came heavily to the ground. + Edward was stunned by the fall, though not seriously hurt; and, after the + lapse of a few seconds, recovered his feet, but found the horse still + prostrate. Taking the animal by the head, he assisted him to rise, which + he was not enabled to do till after several efforts; and when he regained + his legs, it was manifest he was seriously lamed; and as he limped along + with difficulty beside his master, who led him gently, it became evident + that it was beyond the animal's power to reach his own stable that night. + Edward for the first time was now aware of how much he had punished his + horse; he felt ashamed of using the noble brute with such severity, and + became conscious that he had been acting under something little short of + frenzy. The consciousness at once tended to restore him somewhat to + himself, and he began to look around on every side in search of some house + where he could find rest and shelter for his disabled horse. As he + proceeded thus, the care necessarily bestowed on his dumb companion + partially called off his thoughts from the painful theme with which they + had been exclusively occupied, and the effect was most beneficial. The + first violent burst of feeling was past, and a calmer train of thought + succeeded; he for the first time remembered the boy had forgiven him, and + that was a great consolation to him; he recalled, too, his own words, + pledging to Gustavus his friendship, and in this pleasing hope of the + future he saw much to redeem what he regretted of the past. Still, + however, the wild flare of the pine-torch over the lone grave of his + adversary, and the horrid answer of the grave-digger, that he was but + “finishing <i>his</i> work,” would recur to his memory and awake an + internal pang. + </p> + <p> + From this painful reminiscence he sought to escape, by looking forward to + all he would do for Gustavus, and had become much calmer, when the glimmer + of a light not far ahead attracted him, and he soon was enabled to + perceive it proceeded from some buildings that lay on his right, not far + from the road. He turned up the rough path which formed the approach, and + the light escaped through the chinks of a large door which indicated the + place to be a coach-house, or some such office, belonging to the general + pile which seemed in a ruinous condition. + </p> + <p> + As he approached, Edward heard rude sounds of merriment, amongst which the + joining of many voices in a “ree-raw” chorus indicated that a carouse was + going forward within. + </p> + <p> + On reaching the door he could perceive through a wide chink a group of men + sitting round a turf fire piled at the far end of the building, which had + no fire-place, and the smoke, curling upwards to the roof, wreathed the + rafters in smoke; beneath this vapoury canopy the party sat drinking and + singing, and Edward, ere he knocked for admittance, listened to the + following strange refrain:— + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + <i>“For my name it is Jimmy Barlow, + I was born in the town of Carlow, + And here I lie in Maryborough jail, + All for the robbing of the Wicklow mail. + Fol de rol de riddle-iddle-ido!”</i> +</pre> + <p> + Then the principal singer took up the song, which seemed to be one of + robbery, blood, and murder, for it ran thus:— + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + “Then he cocked his pistol gaily, + And stood before him bravely, + Smoke and fire is my desire, + So blaze away, my game-cock squire. + <i>For my name it is Jimmy Barlow, + I was born &c.</i>” + </pre> + <p> + Edward O'Connor knocked at the door loudly; the words he had just heard + about “pistols,” “blazing away,” and, last of all, “<i>squire</i>” fell + gratingly on his ear at that moment, and seemed strangely to connect + themselves with the previous adventures of the night and his own sad + thoughts, and he beat against the door with violence. + </p> + <p> + The chorus ceased; Edward repeated his knocking. Still there was no + answer; but he heard low and hurried muttering inside. Determined, + however, to gain admittance, Edward laid hold of an iron hasp outside the + door, which enabled him to shake the gate with violence, that there might + be no excuse on the part of the inmates that they did not hear; but in + thus making the old door rattle in its frame, it suddenly yielded to his + touch and creaked open on its rusty hinges; for when Larry Hogan had + entered, it had been forgotten to be barred. + </p> + <p> + As Edward stood in the open doorway, the first object which met his eye + was the coffin—and it is impossible to say how much at that moment + the sight shocked him; he shuddered involuntarily, yet could not withdraw + his eyes from the revolting object; and the pallor with which his previous + mental anxiety had invested his cheek increased as he looked on this last + tenement of mortality. “Am I to see nothing but the evidences of death's + doing this night?” was the mental question which shot through Edward's + over-wrought brain, and he grew livid at the thought. He looked more like + one raised from the grave than a living being, and a wild glare in his + eyes rendered his appearance still more unearthly. He felt that shame + which men always experience in allowing their feelings to overcome them; + and by a great effort he mastered his emotion and spoke, but the voice + partook of the strong nervous excitement under which he laboured, and was + hollow and broken, and seemed more like that which one might fancy to + proceed from the jaws of a sepulchre than one of flesh and blood. Beaten + by the storm, too, his hair hung in wet flakes over his face and added to + his wild appearance, so that the men all started up at the first glimpse + they caught of him, and huddled themselves together in the farthest corner + of the building, from whence they eyed him with evident alarm. + </p> + <p> + Edward thought some whisky might check the feeling of faintness which + overcame him; and though he deemed it probable he had broken in upon the + nocturnal revel of desperate and lawless men, he nevertheless asked them + to give him some; but instead of displaying that alacrity so universal in + Ireland, of sharing the “creature” with a new-comer, the men only pointed + to the bottle which stood beside the fire, and drew closer together. + </p> + <p> + Edward's desire for the stimulant was so great, that he scarcely noticed + the singular want of courtesy on the part of the men; and seizing the + bottle (for there was no glass), he put it to his lips, and quaffed a + hearty dram of the spirit before he spoke. + </p> + <p> + “I must ask for shelter and assistance here,” said Edward. “My horse, I + fear, has slipped his shoulder—” + </p> + <p> + Before he could utter another word, a simultaneous roar of terror burst + from the group; they fancied the ghost of Jimmy Barlow was before them, + and made a simultaneous rush from the barn; and when they saw the horse at + the door, another yell escaped them, as they fled with increased speed and + terror. Edward stood in amazement as the men rushed from his presence; he + followed to the gate to recall them; they were gone; he could only hear + their yells in the distance. The circumstance seemed quite unaccountable; + and as he stood lost in vain surmises as to the cause of the strange + occurrence, a low neigh of recognition from the horse reminded him of the + animal's wants, and he led him into the barn, where, from the plenty of + straw which lay around, he shook down a litter where the maimed animal + might rest. + </p> + <p> + He then paced up and down the barn, lost in wonder at the conduct of those + whom he found there, and whom his presence had so suddenly expelled; and + ever as he walked towards the fire, the coffin caught his eye. As a fitful + blaze occasionally arose, it flashed upon the plate, which brightly + reflected the flame, and Edward was irresistibly drawn, despite his + original impression of horror at the object, to approach and read the + inscription. The shield bore the name of “O'Grady,” and Edward recoiled + from the coffin with a shudder, and inwardly asked, was he in his waking + senses? He had but an hour ago seen his adversary laid in his grave, yet + here was his coffin again before him, as if to harrow up his soul anew. + Was it real, or a mockery? Was he the sport of a dream, or was there some + dreadful curse fallen upon him that he should be for ever haunted by the + victim of his arm, and the call of vengeance for blood be ever upon his + track? He breathed short and hard, and the smoky atmosphere in which he + was enveloped rendered respiration still more difficult. As through this + oppressive vapour, which seemed only fit for the nether world, he saw the + coffin-plate flash back the flame, his imagination accumulated horror on + horror; and when the blaze sank, and but the bright red of the fire was + reflected, it seemed to him to burn, as it were, with a spot of blood, and + he could support the scene no longer, but rushed from the barn in a state + of mind bordering on frenzy. + </p> + <p> + It was about an hour afterwards, near midnight, that the old barn was in + flames; most likely some of the straw near the fire, in the confusion of + the breaking up of the party, had been scattered within range of ignition, + and caused the accident. The flames were seen for miles round the country, + and the shattered walls of the ruined mansion-house were illuminated + brightly by the glare of the consuming barn, which in the morning added + its own blackened and reeking ruin to the desolation, and crowds of + persons congregated to the spot for many days after. The charred planks of + the coffin were dragged from amongst the ruin; and as the roof in falling + in had dragged a large portion of the wall along with it, the stones which + had filled the coffin could not be distinguished from those of the fallen + building, therefore much wonder arose that no vestige of the bones of the + corpse it was supposed to contain should be discovered. Wonder increased + to horror as the strange fact was promulgated, and in the ready credulity + of a superstitious people, the terrible belief became general, that his + sable majesty had made off with O'Grady and the party watching him; for as + the Dublin bailiffs never stopped till they got back to town, and were + never seen again in the country, it was most natural to suppose that the + devil had made a haul of <i>them</i> at the same time. In a few days + rumour added the spectral appearance of Jim Barlow to the tale, which only + deepened its mysterious horror; and though, after some time, the true + story was promulgated by those who knew the real state of the case, yet + the truth never gained ground, and was considered but a clever sham, + attempted by the family to prevent so dreadful a story from attaching to + their house; and tradition perpetuates to this hour the belief that <i>the + devil flew away with O'Grady.</i> + </p> + <p> + Lone and shunned as the hill was where the ruined house stood, it became + more lone and shunned than ever, and the boldest heart in the whole + country-side would quail to be in its vicinity, even in the day-time. To + such a pitch the panic rose, that an extensive farm which encircled it, + and belonged to the old usurer who made the seizure, fell into a + profitless state from the impossibility of men being found to work upon + it. It was useless even as pasture, for no one could be found to herd + cattle upon it; altogether it was a serious loss to the money-grubber; and + so far the incident of the burnt barn, and the tradition it gave rise to, + acted beneficially in making the inhuman act of warring with the dead + recoil upon the merciless old usurer. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0017" id="link2HCH0017"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXXVIII + </h2> + <p> + We left Andy in what may be called a delicate situation, and though Andy's + perceptions of the refined were not very acute, he himself began to wonder + how he should get out of the dilemma into which circumstances had thrown + him; and even to his dull comprehension various terminations to his + adventure suggested themselves, till he became quite confused in the chaos + which his own thoughts created. One good idea, however, Andy contrived to + lay hold of out of the bundle which perplexed him; he felt that to gain + time would be an advantage, and if evil must come of his adventure, the + longer he could keep it off the better; so he kept up his affectation of + timidity, and put in his sobs and lamentations, like so many commas and + colons, as it were, to prevent Bridget from arriving at her climax of + going to bed. + </p> + <p> + Bridget insisted bed was the finest thing in the world for a young woman + in distress of mind. + </p> + <p> + Andy protested he never could get a wink of sleep when his mind was + uneasy. Bridget promised the most sisterly tenderness. + </p> + <p> + Andy answered by a lament for his mother. + </p> + <p> + “Come to bed, I tell you,” said Bridget. + </p> + <p> + “Are the sheets aired?” sobbed Andy. + </p> + <p> + “What!” exclaimed Bridget, in amazement. + </p> + <p> + “If you are not sure of the sheets bein' aired,” said Andy, “I'd be afeard + of catchin' cowld.” + </p> + <p> + “Sheets, indeed!” said Bridget; “'faith, it's a dainty lady you are, if + you can't sleep without sheets.” + </p> + <p> + “What!” returned Andy, “no sheets?” + </p> + <p> + “Divil a sheet.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, mother, mother!” exclaimed Andy, “what would you say to your innocent + child being tuk away to a place where there was no sheets?” + </p> + <p> + “Well, I never heerd the like!” says Bridget. + </p> + <p> + “Oh, the villains! to bring me where I wouldn't have a bit o' clane linen + to lie in!” + </p> + <p> + “Sure, there's blankets, I tell you.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, don't talk to me!” roared Andy; “sure, you know, sheets is only + dacent.” + </p> + <p> + “Bother, girl! Isn't a snug woolly blanket a fine thing?” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, don't brake my heart that-a-way!” sobbed Andy; “sure, there's wool on + any dirty sheep's back, but linen is dacency! Oh, mother, mother, if you + thought your poor girl was without a sheet this night!” + </p> + <p> + And so Andy went on, spinning his bit of “linen manufacture” as long as he + could, and raising Bridget's wonder that, instead of the lament which + abducted ladies generally raise about their “vartue,” this young woman's + principal complaint arose on the scarcity of flax. Bridget appealed to + common sense if blankets were not good enough in these bad times; + insisting, moreover, that, as “love was warmer than friendship, so wool + was warmer than flax,” the beauty of which parallel case nevertheless + failed to reconcile the disconsolate abducted. Now Andy had pushed his + plea of the want of linen as far as he thought it would go, and when + Bridget returned to the charge, and reiterated the oft-repeated “Come to + bed, I tell you!” Andy had recourse to twiddling about his toes, and + chattering his teeth, and exclaimed in a tremulous voice, “Oh, I've a + thrimblin' all over me!” + </p> + <p> + “Loosen the sthrings o' you, then,” said Bridget, about to suit the action + to the word. “Ow! ow!” cried Andy, “don't touch me—I'm ticklish.” + </p> + <p> + “Then open the throat o' your gown yourself, dear,” said Bridget. + </p> + <p> + “I've a cowld on my chest, and darn't,” said Andy; “but I think a dhrop of + hot punch would do me good if I had it.” + </p> + <p> + “And plenty of it,” said Bridget, “if that'll plaze you.” She rose as she + spoke, and set about getting “the materials” for making punch. + </p> + <p> + Andy hoped, by means of this last idea, to drink Bridget into a state of + unconsciousness, and then make his escape; but he had no notion, until he + tried, what a capacity the gentle Bridget had for carrying tumblers of + punch steadily; he proceeded as cunningly as possible, and, on the score + of “the thrimblin' over him,” repeated the doses of punch, which, + nevertheless, he protested he couldn't touch, unless Bridget kept him in + countenance, glass for glass; and Bridget—genial soul—was no + way both; for living in a still, and among smugglers, as she did, it was + not a trifle of stingo could bring her to a halt. Andy, even with the + advantage of the stronger organisation of a man, found this mountain lass + nearly a match for him, and before the potations operated as he hoped upon + her, his own senses began to feel the influence of the liquor, and his + caution became considerably undermined. + </p> + <p> + Still, however, he resisted the repeated offers of the couch proposed to + him, declaring he would sleep in his clothes, and leave to Bridget the + full possession of her lair. + </p> + <p> + The fire began to burn low, and Andy thought he might facilitate his + escape by counterfeiting sleep; so feigning slumber as well as he could, + he seemed to sink into insensibility, and Bridget unrobed herself and + retired behind a rough screen. + </p> + <p> + It was by a great effort that Andy kept himself awake, for his potations, + added to his nocturnal excursion, tended towards somnolency; but the + desire of escape, and fear of a discovery and its consequences, prevailed + over the ordinary tendency of nature, and he remained awake, watching + every sound. The silence at last became painful—so still was it, + that he could hear the small crumbling sound of the dying embers as they + decomposed and shifted their position on the hearth, and yet he could not + be satisfied from the breathing of the woman that she slept. After the + lapse of half an hour, however, he ventured to make some movement. He had + well observed the quarter in which the outlet from the cave lay, and there + was still a faint glimmer from the fire to assist him in crawling towards + the trap. It was a relief when, after some minutes of cautious creeping, + he felt the fresh air breathing from above, and a moment or two more + brought him in contact with the ladder. With the stealth of a cat he began + to climb the rungs—he could hear the men snoring on the outside of + the cave: step by step as he arose he felt his heart beat faster at the + thought of escape, and became more cautious. At length his head emerged + from the cave, and he saw the men lying about its mouth; they lay close + around it—he must step over them to escape—the chance is + fearful, but he determines to attempt it—he ascends still higher—his + foot is on the last rung of the ladder—the next step puts him on the + heather—when he feels a hand lay hold of him from below! + </p> + <p> + His heart died within him at the touch, and he could not resist an + exclamation. + </p> + <p> + “Who's that?” exclaimed one of the men outside. Andy crouched. + </p> + <p> + “Come down,” said the voice softly from below; “if Jack sees you, it will + be worse for you.” + </p> + <p> + It was the voice of Bridget, and Andy felt it was better to be with her + than exposed to the savagery of Shan More and his myrmidons; so he + descended quietly, and gave himself up to the tight hold of Bridget, who, + with many asseverations that “out of her arms she would not let the + prisoner go till morning,” led him back to the cave. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0018" id="link2HCH0018"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXXIX + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + “Great wit to madness nearly is allied, + And thin partitions do the bounds divide.” + </pre> + <p> + So sings the poet; but whether the wit be great or little, the “thin + partition” separating madness from sanity is equally mysterious. It is + true that the excitability attendant upon genius approximates so closely + to madness, that it is sometimes difficult to distinguish between them; + but, without the attendant “genius” to hold up the train of madness, and + call for our special permission and respect in any of its fantastic + excursions, the most ordinary crack-brain sometimes chooses to sport in + the regions of sanity, and, without the license which genius is supposed + to dispense to her children, poach over the preserves of common sense. + This is a well-known fact, and would not be reiterated here, but that the + circumstances about to be recorded hereafter might seem unworthy of + belief; and as the veracity of our history we would not have for one + moment questioned, we have ventured to jog the memory of our readers as to + the close neighbourhood of madness and common sense, before we record a + curious instance of intermitting madness in the old dowager O'Grady. + </p> + <p> + Her son's death had, by the violence of the shock, dragged her from the + region of fiction in which she habitually existed; but after the funeral + she relapsed into all her strange aberration, and her bird-clock and her + chimney-pot head-dress were once more in requisition. + </p> + <p> + The old lady had her usual attendance from her granddaughter, and the + customary offering of flowers was rendered, but they were not so cared for + as before, and Charlotte was dismissed sooner than usual from her + morning's attendance, and a new favourite received in her place. And “of + all the birds in the air,” who should this favourite be but Master Ratty. + Yes!—Ratty—the caricaturist of his grandmamma, was, “for the + nonce,” her closeted companion. Many a guess was given as to “what in the + world” grandmamma <i>could</i> want with Ratty; but the secret was kept + between them, for this reason, that the old lady kept <i>the reward she + promised</i> Ratty for preserving it in her own hands, until the duty she + required on his part should be accomplished, and the shilling a day to + which Ratty looked forward kept him faithful. + </p> + <p> + Now the duty Master Ratty had to perform was instructing his grandmamma + how to handle a pistol; the bringing up quick to the mark, and levelling + by “the sight,” was explained; but a difficulty arose in the old lady's + shutting her left eye, which Ratty declared to be indispensable, and for + some time Ratty was obliged to stand on a chair and cover his grandmamma's + eye with his hand while she took aim; this was found inconvenient, + however, and the old lady substituted a black silk shade to obfuscate her + sinister luminary in her exercises, which now advanced to snapping the + lock, and knocking sparks from the flint, which made the old lady wink + with her right eye. When this second habit was overcome, the “dry” + practice, that is, without powder, was given up; and a “flash in the pan” + was ventured upon, but this made her shut both eyes together, and it was + some time before she could prevail on herself to hold her eye fixed on her + mark, and pull the trigger. This, however, at last was accomplished, and + when she had conquered the fear of seeing the flash, she adopted the plan + of standing before a handsome old-fashioned looking-glass which reached + from the ceiling to the floor, and levelling the pistol at her own + reflection within it, as if she were engaged in mortal combat; and every + time she snapped and burned priming she would exclaim, “I hit him that + time!—I know I can kill him—<i>tremble, villain</i>!” + </p> + <p> + As long as this pistol practice had the charm of novelty for Ratty, it was + all very well; but when, day by day, the strange mistakes and nervousness + of his grandmamma became less piquant from repetition, it was not such + good fun; and when the rantipole boy, after as much time as he wished to + devote to the old woman's caprice, endeavoured to emancipate himself and + was countermanded, an outburst of <i>“Oh, bother!”</i> would take place, + till the grandmother called up the prospective shillings to his view, and + Ratty bowed before the altar of Mammon. But even Mammon failed to keep + Ratty loyal; for that heathen god, Momus, claimed a superior allegiance; + Ratty worshipped the “cap and bells” as the true crown, and “the bauble” + as the sovereign sceptre. Besides, the secret became troublesome to him, + and he determined to let the whole house know what “gran” and he were + about, in a way of his own. + </p> + <p> + The young imp, in the next day's practice, worked up the grandmamma to a + state of great excitement, urging her to take a cool and determined aim at + the looking-glass. “Cover him well, gran,” said Ratty. + </p> + <p> + “I will,” said the dowager, resolutely. + </p> + <p> + “You ought to be able to hit him at six paces.” + </p> + <p> + “I stand at twelve paces.” + </p> + <p> + “No—you are only six from the looking-glass.” + </p> + <p> + “But the reflection, child, in the mirror, doubles the distance.” + </p> + <p> + “Bother!” said Ratty. “Here, take the pistol—mind your eye and don't + wink.” + </p> + <p> + “Ratty, you are singularly obtuse to the charms of science.” + </p> + <p> + “What's science?” said Ratty. + </p> + <p> + “Science, child, is knowledge of a lofty and abstruse nature, developing + itself in wonderful inventions—gunpowder, for instance, is made by + science.” + </p> + <p> + “Indeed it is not,” said Ratty; “I never saw his name on a canister. + Pigou, Andrew, and Wilks, or Mister Dartford Mills, are the men for + gunpowder. You know nothing about it, gran.” + </p> + <p> + “Ratty, you are disrespectful, and will not listen to instruction. I knew + Kirwan—the great Kirwan, the chemist, who always wore his hat—” + </p> + <p> + “Then he knew chemistry better than manners.” + </p> + <p> + “Ratty, you are very troublesome. I desire you listen, sir. Kirwan, sir, + told me all about science, and the Dublin Society have his picture, with a + bottle in his hand—” + </p> + <p> + “Then he was fond of drink,” said Ratty. + </p> + <p> + “Ratty, don't be pert. To come back to what I was originally saying—I + repeat, sir, I am at twelve paces from my object, six from the mirror, + which, doubled by reflection, makes twelve; such is the law of optics. I + suppose you know what optics are?” + </p> + <p> + “To be sure I do.” + </p> + <p> + “Tell me, then.” + </p> + <p> + “Our eyes,” said Ratty. + </p> + <p> + “Eyes!” exclaimed the old lady, in amaze. + </p> + <p> + “To be sure,” answered Ratty, boldly. “Didn't I hear the old blind man at + the fair asking charity 'for the loss of his blessed optics'?” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, what lamentable ignorance, my child!” exclaimed the old lady. “Your + tutor ought to be ashamed of himself.” + </p> + <p> + “So he is,” said Ratty. “He hasn't had a pair of new breeches for the last + seven years, and he hides himself whenever he sees mamma or the girls.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, you ignorant child! Indeed, Ratty, my love, you must study. I will + give you the renowned Kirwan's book. Charlotte tore some of it for curl + papers; but there's enough left to enlighten you with the sun's rays, and + reflection and refraction—” + </p> + <p> + “I know what <i>that</i> is,” said Ratty. + </p> + <p> + “What?” + </p> + <p> + “Refraction.” + </p> + <p> + “And what is it, dear?” + </p> + <p> + “Bad behaviour,” said Ratty. + </p> + <p> + “Oh, Heavens!” exclaimed his grandmother. + </p> + <p> + “Yes, it is,” said Ratty, stoutly; “the tutor says I'm refractory when I + behave ill; and he knows Latin better than you.” + </p> + <p> + “Ratty, Ratty! you are hopeless!” exclaimed his grandmamma. + </p> + <p> + “No, I am not,” said Ratty. “I'm always <i>hoping</i>. And I hope Uncle + Robert will break his neck some day, and leave us his money.” + </p> + <p> + The old woman turned up her eyes, and exclaimed, “You wicked boy!” + </p> + <p> + “Fudge!” said Ratty; “he's an old shaver, and we want it; and indeed, + gran, you ought to give me ten shillings for ten days' teaching, now; and + there's a fair next week, and I want to buy things.” + </p> + <p> + “Ratty, I told you when you made me perfect in the use of my weapon I + would pay you. My promise is sacred, and I will observe it with that + scrupulous honour which has ever been the characteristic of the family; as + soon as I hit something, and satisfy myself of my mastery over the weapon, + the money shall be yours, but not till then.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, very well,” said Ratty; “go on then. <i>Ready</i>—don't bring + up your arm that way, like the handle of a pump, but raise it nice from + the elbow—that's it. <i>Ready—fire!</i> Ah! there you blink + your eye, and drop the point of your pistol—try another. <i>Ready—fire!</i> + That's better. Now steady the next time.” + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0006" id="linkimage-0006"></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:80%"> + <img src="images/crack_shot.jpg" alt="A Crack Shot" width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + The young villain then put a charge of powder and ball into the pistol he + handed his grandmother, who took steady aim at her reflection in the + mirror, and at the words, <i>“Ready—fire!”</i> bang went the pistol—the + magnificent glass was smashed—the unexpected recoil of the weapon + made it drop from the hand of the dowager, who screamed with astonishment + at the report and the shock, and did not see for a moment the mischief she + had done; but when the shattered mirror caught her eyes, she made a rush + at Ratty, who was screeching with laughter in the far corner of the room + where he ran to when he had achieved his trick, and he was so helpless + from the excess of his cachinnation, that the old lady cuffed him without + his being able to defend himself. At last he contrived to get out of her + clutches and jammed her against the wall with a table so tightly, that she + roared “Murder!” The report of the pistol ringing through the house + brought all its inmates to the spot; and there the cries of murder from + the old lady led them to suppose some awful tragedy, instead of a comedy, + was enacting inside; the door was locked, too, which increased the alarm, + and was forced in the moment of terror from the outside. When the crowd + rushed in, Master Ratty rushed out, and left the astonished family to + gather up the bits of the story, as well as they could, from the broken + looking-glass and the cracked dowager. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0019" id="link2HCH0019"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XL + </h2> + <p> + Though it is clear the serious events in the O'Grady family had not + altered Master Ratty's propensities in the least, the case was far + different with Gustavus. In that one night of suffering which <i>he</i> + had passed, the gulf was leaped that divides the boy from the man; and the + extra frivolity and carelessness which clung from boyhood up to the age of + fifteen was at once, by the sudden disrupture produced by events, thrown + off, and as singular a ripening into manhood commenced. + </p> + <p> + Gustavus was of a generous nature; and even his faults belonged less to + his organisation than to the devil-may-care sort of education he received, + if education it might be called. Upon his generosity the conduct of Edward + O'Connor beside the grave of the boy's father had worked strongly; and + though Gustavus could not give his hand beside the grave to the man with + whom his father had engaged in deadly quarrel, yet he quite exonerated + Edward from any blame; and when, after a night more sleepless than + Gustavus had ever known, he rose early on the ensuing morning, he + determined to ride over to Edward O'Connor's house to breakfast, and + commence that friendship which Edward had so solemnly promised to him, and + with which the boy was pleased; for Gustavus was quite aware in what + estimation Edward was held; and though the relative circumstances in which + he and the late Squire stood prevented the boy from “caring a fig" for + him, as he often said himself, yet he was not beyond the influence of that + thing called “reputation,” which so powerfully attaches to and elevates + the man who wins it; and the price at which Edward was held in the country + influenced opinion even in Neck-or-Nothing Hall, albeit though “against + the grain.” Gustavus had sometimes heard, from the lips of the idle and + ignorant, Edward sneered at for being “cruel wise,” and “too much of a + schoolmaster,” and fit for nothing but books or a boudoir, and called a + “piano man,” with all the rest of the hackneyed dirt which jealous + inferiority loves to fling at the heights it cannot occupy; for though—as + it has been said—Edward, from his manly and sensible bearing, had + escaped such sneers better than most men, still some few there were to + whom his merit was offensive. Gustavus, however, though he sometimes heard + such things, saw with his own eyes that Edward could back a horse with any + man in the country—was always foremost in the chace—could + bring down as many brace of birds as most men in a day—had saved one + or two persons from drowning; and if he did all these things as well as + other men, Gustavus (though hitherto too idle to learn much himself) did + not see why a man should be sneered at for being an accomplished scholar + as well. Therefore he had good foundation for being pleased at the + proffered friendship of such a man, and remembering the poignancy of + Edward's anguish on the foregoing eve, Gustavus generously resolved to see + him at once and offer him the hand which a nice sense of feeling made him + withhold the night before. Mounting his pony, an hour's smart riding + brought him to Mount Eskar, for such was the name of Mr. O'Connor's + residence. + </p> + <p> + It was breakfast-time when Gustavus arrived, but Edward had not yet left + his room, and the servant went to call him. It need scarcely be said that + Edward had passed a wretched night; reaching home, as he did, weary in + mind and body, and with feelings and imagination both overwrought, it was + long before he could sleep; and even then his slumber was disturbed by + harassing visions and frightful images. Spectral shapes and things + unimaginable to the waking senses danced and crawled and hissed about him. + The torch flared above the grave, and that horrid coffin, with the name of + the dead O'Grady upon it, “murdered sleep.” It was dawn before anything + like refreshing slumber touched his feverish eyelids, and he had not + enjoyed more than a couple of hours of what might be called sleep, when + the servant called him; and then, after the brief oblivion he had + obtained, one may fancy how he started when the first words he heard on + waking were, “Mister O'Grady is below, sir.” + </p> + <p> + Edward started up from his bed and stared wildly on the man, as he + exclaimed, with a look of alarm, “O'Grady! For God's sake, you don't say + O'Grady?” + </p> + <p> + “'Tis Master Gustavus, sir,” said the man, wondering at the wildness of + Edward's manner. + </p> + <p> + “Oh, the boy!—ay, ay, the boy!” repeated Edward, drawing his hands + across his eyes and recovering his self-possession. “Say I will be down + presently.” + </p> + <p> + The man retired, and Edward lay down again for some minutes to calm the + heavy beating of his heart which the sudden mention of that name had + produced; that name so linked with the mental agony of the past night; + that name which had conjured up a waking horror of such might as to shake + the sway of reason for a time, and which afterwards pursued its reign of + terror through his sleep. After such a night, fancy poor Edward doomed to + hear the name of O'Grady again the first thing in the morning, and we + cannot wonder that he was startled. + </p> + <p> + A few minutes, however, served to restore his self-possession; and he + arose, made his toilet in haste, and descended to the breakfast-parlour, + where he was met by Gustavus with an open hand, which Edward clasped with + fervour and held for some time as he looked on the handsome face of the + boy, and saw in its frank expression all that his heart could desire. They + spoke not a word, but they understood one another; and that moment + commenced an attachment which increased with increasing intimacy, and + became one of those steadfast friendships which are seldom met with. + </p> + <p> + After breakfast Edward brought Gustavus to his “den,” as he called a room + which was appropriated to his own particular use, occupied with books and + a small collection of national relics. Some long ranges of that peculiar + calf binding, with its red label, declared at once the contents to be law + and by the dry formal cut of the exterior gave little invitation to + reading. The very outside of a law library is repulsive; the continuity of + that eternal buff leather gives one a surfeit by anticipation, and makes + one mentally exclaim in despair, “Heavens! how can any one hope to get all + that into his head?” The only plain honest thing about law is the outside + of the books where it is laid down—there all is simple; inside all + is complex. The interlacing lines of the binder's patterns find no place + on the covers; but intricacies abound inside, where any line is easier + found than a straight one. Nor gold leaf nor tool is employed without, but + within how many fallacies are enveloped in glozing words; the gold leaf + has its representative in “legal fiction;” and as for “<i>tooling</i>” + there's plenty of that! + </p> + <p> + Other books, also, bore external evidence of the nature of their contents. + Some old parchment covers indicated the lore of past ages; amidst these + the brightest names of Greece and Rome were to be found, as well as those + who have adorned our own literature, and implied a cultivated taste on the + part of the owner. But one portion of the library was particularly well + stored. The works bearing on Irish history were numerous, and this might + well account for the ardour of Edward's feelings in the cause of his + country; for it is as impossible that a river should run backwards to its + source, as that any Irishman of a generous nature can become acquainted + with the real history of his country, and not feel that she has been an + ill-used and neglected land, and not struggle in the cause of her being + righted. Much <i>has</i> been done in the cause since the days of which + this story treats, and Edward was amongst those who helped to achieve it; + but much has still to be done, and there is glorious work in store for + present and future Edward O'Connors. + </p> + <p> + Along with the books which spoke the cause of Ireland, the mute evidences, + also, of her former glory and civilisation were scattered through the + room. Various ornaments of elegant form, and wrought in the purest gold, + were tastefully arranged over the mantel-piece; some, from their form, + indicating their use, and others only affording matter of ingenious + speculation to the antiquary, but all bearing evidence of early + civilisation. The frontlet of gold indicated noble estate, and the long + and tapering bodkin of the same metal, with its richly enchased knob or + pendent crescent, implied the robe it once fastened could have been of no + mean texture, and the wearer of no mean rank. Weapons were there, too, of + elegant form and exquisite workmanship, wrought in that ancient bronze, of + such wondrous temper that it carries effective edge and point. The sword + was of exact Phoenician mould; the double-eyed spear-head, formed at once + for strength and lightness, might have served as the model for a sculptor + in arming the hand of Minerva. Could these be the work of an uncultivated + people? Impossible! The harp, too, was there, that unfailing mark of + polish and social elegance. The bard and barbarism could never be coeval. + But a relic was there, exciting still deeper interest—an ancient + crosier, of curious workmanship, wrought in the precious metals and partly + studded with jewels; but few of the latter remained, though the empty + collets showed it had once been costly in such ornaments. Could this be + seen without remembering that the light of Christianity first dawned over + the western isles <i>in Ireland?</i> that <i>there</i> the Gospel was + first preached, <i>there</i> the work of salvation begun? + </p> + <p> + There be cold hearts to which these touching recollections do not pertain, + and they heed them not; and some there are, who, with a callousness which + shocks sensibility, have the ignorant effrontery to ask, “Of what use are + such recollections?” With such frigid utilitarians it would be vain to + argue; but this question, at least, may be put in return:—Why should + the ancient glories of Greece and Rome form a large portion of the + academic studies of our youth?—why should the evidences of <i>their</i> + arts and <i>their</i> arms be held precious in museums, and similar + evidences of ancient cultivation be despised because they pertain to + another nation? Is it because they are Irish they are held in contempt? + Alas! in many cases it is so—ay, and even (shame to say) within her + own shores. But never may that day arrive when Ireland shall be without + enough of true and fond hearts to cherish the memory of her ancient + glories, to give to her future sons the evidences of her earliest western + civilisation, proving that their forefathers were not (as those say who + wronged and therefore would malign them) a rabble of rude barbarians, but + that brave kings, and proud princes, and wise lawgivers, and just judges, + and gallant chiefs, and chaste and lovely women were among them, and that + inspired bards were there to perpetuate such memories! + </p> + <p> + Gustavus had never before seen a crosier, and asked what it was. On being + informed of its name, he then said, “But what <i>is</i> a crosier?” + </p> + <p> + “A bishop's pastoral staff,” said Edward. + </p> + <p> + “And why have you a bishop's staff, and swords, and spears, hung up + together?” + </p> + <p> + “That is not inappropriate,” said Edward. “Unfortunately, the sword and + the crosier have been frequently but too intimate companions. Preaching + the word of peace has been too often the pretext for war. The Spaniards, + for instance, in the name of the gospel, committed the most fearful + atrocities.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, I know,” said Gustavus, “that was in the time of bloody Mary and the + Armada.” + </p> + <p> + Edward wondered at the boy's ignorance, and saw in an instant the source + of his false application of his allusion to the Spaniards. Gustavus had + been taught to vaguely couple the name of “bloody Mary” with everything + bad, and that of “good Queen Bess” with all that was glorious; and the + word “Spanish,” in poor Gusty's head, had been hitherto connected with two + ideas, namely, “liquorice” and the “Armada.” + </p> + <p> + Edward, without wounding the sensitive shame of ignorant youth, gently set + him right, and made him aware he had alluded to the conduct of the + Spaniards in America under Cortes and Pizarro. + </p> + <p> + For the first time in his life Gustavus was aware that Pizarro was a real + character. He had heard his grandmamma speak of a play of that name, and + how great Mr. Kemble was in Rollo, and how he saved a child; but as to its + belonging to history, it was a new light—the utmost Gusty knew about + America being that it was discovered by Columbus. + </p> + <p> + “But the crosier,” said Edward, “is amongst the most interesting of Irish + antiquities, and especially belongs to an Irish collection, when you + remember the earliest preaching of Christianity in the western isles was + in Ireland.” + </p> + <p> + “I did only know that,” said the boy. + </p> + <p> + “Then you don't know why the shamrock is our national emblem?” + </p> + <p> + “No,” said Gustavus, “though I take care to mount one in my hat every + Patrick's day.” + </p> + <p> + “Well,” said Edward, anxious to give Gustavus credit for <i>any</i> + knowledge he possessed, “you know at least it is connected with the memory + of St. Patrick, though you don't know why. I will tell you. When St. + Patrick first preached the Christian faith in Ireland, before a powerful + chief and his people, when he spoke of one God, and of the Trinity, the + chief asked how one could be in three. St. Patrick, instead of attempting + a theological definition of the faith, thought a simple image would best + serve to enlighten a simple people, and stooping to the earth he plucked + from the green sod a shamrock, and holding up the trefoil before them he + bade them there behold one in three. The chief, struck by the + illustration, asked at once to be baptised, and all his sept followed his + example.” + </p> + <p> + “I never heard that before,” said Gusty. “'T is very beautiful.” + </p> + <p> + “I will tell you something else connected with it,” said Edward. + </p> + <p> + “After baptising the chief, St. Patrick made an eloquent exhortation to + the assembled multitude, and in the course of his address, while enforcing + his urgent appeal with appropriate gesture, as the hand which held his + crosier, after being raised towards heaven, descended again towards the + earth, the point of his staff, armed with metal, was driven through the + foot of the chief, who, fancying it was part of the ceremony, and but a + necessary testing of the firmness of his faith, never winced.” + </p> + <p> + “He was a fine fellow,” said Gusty. “And is that the crosier?” he added, + alluding to the one in Edward's collection, and manifestly excited by what + he had heard. + </p> + <p> + “No,” said Edward, “but one of early date, and belonging to some of the + first preachers of the gospel amongst us.” + </p> + <p> + “And have you other things here with such beautiful stories belonging to + them?” inquired Gusty, eager for more of that romantic lore which youth + loves so passionately. + </p> + <p> + “Not that I know of,” answered Edward “but if these objects here had only + tongues, if every sword, and belt, and spear-head, and golden bodkin, and + other trinket could speak, no doubt we should hear stirring stories of + gallant warriors and their ladye-loves.” + </p> + <p> + “Aye, that would be something to hear!” exclaimed Gusty. + </p> + <p> + “Well,” said Edward, “you may have many <i>such</i> stories by reading the + history of your country; which if you have not read, I can lend you books + enough.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, thank you,” said Gusty; “I should like it so much.” + </p> + <p> + Edward approached the book-shelf and selected a volume he thought the most + likely to interest so little practised a reader; and when he turned round + he saw Gusty poising in his hand an antique Irish sword of bronze. + </p> + <p> + “Do you know what that is?” inquired Edward. + </p> + <p> + “I can't tell you the name of it,” answered Gusty, “but I suppose it was + <i>something to stick a fellow</i>.” + </p> + <p> + Edward smiled at the characteristic reply, and told him it was an antique + Irish sword. + </p> + <p> + “A sword?” he exclaimed. “Isn't it short for a sword?” + </p> + <p> + “All the swords of that day were short.” + </p> + <p> + “When was that?” inquired the boy. + </p> + <p> + “Somewhere about two thousand years ago.” + </p> + <p> + “Two thousand years,” exclaimed Gusty, in surprise. “How is it possible + you can tell this is two thousand years old?” + </p> + <p> + “Because it is made of the same metal and of the same shape as the swords + found at Cannae, where the Carthaginians fought the Romans.” + </p> + <p> + “I know the Roman history,” said Gusty, eager to display his little bit of + knowledge; “I know the Roman history. Romulus and Remus were educated by a + wolf.” Edward could not resist a smile, which he soon suppressed, and + continued:—“Such works as you now hold in your hand are found <i>in + quantities</i> in Ireland, and seldom anywhere else in Europe, except in + Italy, particularly at Cannae, where some thousands of Carthaginians fell; + and when we find the sword of the same make and metal in places so remote, + it establishes a strong connecting link between the people of Carthage and + of Ireland, and at once shows their date.” + </p> + <p> + “How curious that is!” exclaimed Gusty; “and how odd I never heard it + before! Are there many such curious things you know?” + </p> + <p> + “Many,” said Edward. + </p> + <p> + “I wonder how people can find out such odd things,” said the boy. + </p> + <p> + “My dear boy,” said Edward, “after getting a certain amount of knowledge, + other knowledge comes very fast; it gathers like a snowball—or + perhaps it would be better to illustrate the fact by a milldam. You know, + when the water is low in the milldam, the miller cannot drive his wheel; + but the moment the water comes up to a certain level it has force to work + the mill. And so it is with knowledge; when once you get it up to a + certain level, you can 'work your mill,' with this great advantage over + the milldam, that the stream of knowledge, once reaching the working + level, never runs dry.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, I wish I knew as much as you do,” exclaimed Gusty. + </p> + <p> + “And so you can if you wish it,” said Edward. + </p> + <p> + Gusty sighed heavily, and admitted he had been very idle. Edward told him + he had plenty of time before him to repair the damage. + </p> + <p> + A conversation then ensued, perfectly frank on the part of the boy, and + kind on Edward's side to all his deficiencies, which he found to be + lamentable, as far as learning went. He had some small smattering of + Latin; but Gustavus vowed steady attention to his tutor and his studies + for the future. Edward, knowing what a miserable scholar the tutor himself + was, offered to put Gustavus through his Latin and Greek himself. Gustavus + accepted the offer with gratitude, and rode over every day to Mount Eskar + for his lesson; and, under the intelligent explanations of Edward, the + difficulties which had hitherto discouraged him disappeared, and it was + surprising what progress he made. At the same time he devoured Irish + history, and became rapidly tinctured with that enthusiastic love of all + that belonged to his country which he found in his teacher; and Edward + soon hailed, in the ardent neophyte, a noble and intelligent spirit + redeemed from ignorance and rendered capable of higher enjoyments than + those to be derived merely from field sports. Edward, however, did not + confine his instructions to book-learning only; there is much to be + learned by living with the educated, whose current conversation alone is + instructive; and Edward had Gustavus with him as constantly as he could; + and after some time, when the frequency of Gusty's visits to Mount Eskar + ceased to excite any wonder at home, he sometimes spent several days + together with Edward, to whom he became continually more and more + attached. Edward showed great judgment in making his training attractive + to his pupil: he did not attend merely to his head; he thought of other + things as well; joined him in the sports and exercises he knew, and taught + him those in which he was uninstructed. Fencing, for instance, was one of + these; Edward was a tolerable master of his foil, and in a few months + Gustavus, under his tuition, could parry a thrust and make no bad attempt + at a hit himself. His improvement in every way was so remarkable, that it + was noticed by all, and its cause did not long remain secret; and when it + <i>was</i> known, Edward O'Connor's character stood higher than ever, and + the whole country said it was a lucky day for Gusty O'Grady that he found + such a friend. As the limits of our story would not permit the intercourse + between Edward and Gustavus to be treated in detail, this general sketch + of it has been given; and in stating its consequences so far, a peep into + the future has been granted by the author, with a benevolence seldom + belonging to his ill-natured and crafty tribe, who endeavour to hoodwink + their docile followers as much as possible, and keep them in a state of + ignorance as to coming events. But now, having been so indulgent, we must + beg to lay hold of the skirts of our readers and pull them back again down + the ladder into the private still, where Bridget pulled back Andy very + much after the same fashion, and the results of which we must treat of in + our next chapter. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0020" id="link2HCH0020"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XLI + </h2> + <p> + When Bridget dragged Andy back and insisted on his going to bed— + </p> + <p> + No—I will not be too good natured and tell my story in that way; + besides, it would be a very difficult matter to tell it; and why should an + author, merely to oblige people, get himself involved in a labyrinth of + difficulties, and rack his unfortunate brain to pick and choose words + properly to tell his story, yet at the same time to lead his readers + through the mazes of this very ticklish adventure, without a single thorn + scratching their delicate feelings, or as much as making the smallest rent + in the white muslin robe of propriety? So, not to run unnecessary risks, + the story must go on another way. + </p> + <p> + When Shan More and the rest of the “big blackguards” began to wake, the + morning after the abduction, and gave a turn or two under their heather + coverlid, and rubbed their eyes as the sun peeped through the “curtains of + the east”—for these were the only bed-curtains Shan More and his + companions ever had—they stretched themselves and yawned, and felt + very thirsty, for they had all been blind drunk the night before, be it + remembered; and Shan More, to use his own expressive and poetic imagery, + swore that his tongue was “as rough as a rat's back,” while his companions + went no further than saying theirs were as “dry as a lime-burner's wig.” + We should not be so particular in those minute details but for that desire + of truth which has guided us all through this veracious history and as in + this scene, in particular, we feel ourselves sure to be held seriously + responsible for every word, we are determined to be accurate to a nicety, + and set down every syllable with stenographic strictness. + </p> + <p> + “Where's the girl?” cried Shan, not yet sober. + </p> + <p> + “She's asleep with your sisther,” was the answer. + </p> + <p> + “Down-stairs?” inquired Shan. + </p> + <p> + “Yes,” said the other, who now knew that Big Jack was more drunk than he + at first thought him, by his using the words <i>stairs</i>; for Jack when + he was drunk was very grand, and called <i>down the ladder</i> “down-<i>stairs</i>.” + </p> + <p> + “Get me a drink o' wather,” said Jack, “for I'm thundherin' thirsty, and + can't deludher that girl with soft words till I wet my mouth.” + </p> + <p> + His attendant vagabond obeyed the order, and a large pitcher full of water + was handed to the master, who heaved it upwards to his head and drank as + audibly and nearly as much as a horse. Then holding his hands to receive + the remaining contents of the pitcher, which his followers poured into his + monstrous palms, he soused his face, which he afterwards wiped in a wisp + of grass—the only towel of Jack's which was not then at the wash. + </p> + <p> + Having thus made his toilet, Big Jack went downstairs, and as soon as his + great bull-head had disappeared beneath the trap, one of the men above + said, “We'll have a <i>shilloe</i> soon, boys.” + </p> + <p> + And sure enough they did before long hear an extraordinary row. Jack first + roared for Bridget, and no answer was returned; the call was repeated with + as little effect, and at last a most tremendous roar was heard above, but + not from a female voice. Jack was heard below, swearing like a trooper, + and, in a minute or two, back he rushed “<i>up-stairs</i>” and began + cursing his myrmidons most awfully, and foaming at the mouth with rage. + </p> + <p> + “What's the matther?” cried the men. + </p> + <p> + “Matther!” roared Jack; “oh, you 'tarnal villains! You're a purty set to + carry off a girl for a man—a purty job you've made of it!” + </p> + <p> + “Arrah, didn't we bring her to you?” + </p> + <p> + “<i>Her</i>, indeed—bring <i>her</i>—much good what you + brought is to me!” + </p> + <p> + “Tare an' ouns! what's the matther at all? We dunna what you mane!” + shouted the men, returning rage for rage. + </p> + <p> + “Come down, and you'll see what's the matther,” said Jack, descending the + ladder; and the men hastened after him. + </p> + <p> + He led the way to the further end of the cabin, where a small glimmering + of light was permitted to enter from the top, and lifting a tattered piece + of canvas, which served as a screen to the bed, he exclaimed, with a + curse, “Look there, you blackguards!” + </p> + <p> + The men gave a shout of surprise, for—what do you think they saw?—An + empty bed! + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0021" id="link2HCH0021"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XLII + </h2> + <p> + It may be remembered that, on Father Phil's recommendation, Andy was to be + removed out of the country to place him beyond the reach of Larry Hogan's + machinations, and that the proposed journey to London afforded a good + opportunity of taking him out of the way. Andy had been desired by Squire + Egan to repair to Merryvale; but as some days had elapsed and Andy had not + made his appearance, the alarms of the Squire that Andy might be tampered + with began to revive, and Dick Dawson was therefore requested to call at + the Widow Rooney's cabin as he was returning from the town, where some + business with Murphy, about the petition against Scatterbrain's return, + demanded his presence. + </p> + <p> + Dick, as it happened, had no need to call at the widow's, for on his way + to the town who should he see approaching but the renowned Andy himself. + On coming up to him, Dick pulled up his horse, and Andy pulled off his + hat. + </p> + <p> + “God save your honour,” said Andy. + </p> + <p> + “Why didn't you come to Merryvale, as you were bid?” said Dick. + </p> + <p> + “I couldn't, sir, becase—” + </p> + <p> + “Hold your tongue, you thief; you know you never can do what you're bid—you + are always wrong one way or other.” + </p> + <p> + “You're hard on me, Misther Dick.” + </p> + <p> + “Did you ever do anything right?—I ask yourself?” + </p> + <p> + “Indeed, sir, this time it was a rale bit o' business I had to do.” + </p> + <p> + “And well you did it, no doubt. Did you marry any one lately?” said Dick, + with a waggish grin and a wink. + </p> + <p> + “Faix, then, maybe I did,” said Andy, with a knowing nod. + </p> + <p> + “And I hope <i>Matty</i> is well?” said Dick. + </p> + <p> + “Ah, Misther Dick, you're always goin' on with your jokin', so you are. + So, you heerd o' that job, did you? Faix, a purty lady she is—oh, + it's not her at all I am married to, but another woman.” + </p> + <p> + “Another woman!” exclaimed Dick, in surprise. + </p> + <p> + “Yis, sir, another woman—a kind craythur.” + </p> + <p> + “Another woman!” reiterated Dick, laughing; “married to two women in two + days! Why you're worse than a Turk!” + </p> + <p> + “Ah, Misther Dick!” + </p> + <p> + “You Tarquin!” + </p> + <p> + “Sure, sir, what harm's in it?”' + </p> + <p> + “You Heliogabalus!!” + </p> + <p> + “Sure, it's no fault o' mine, sir.” + </p> + <p> + “Bigamy, by this and that, flat bigamy! You'll only be hanged, as sure as + your name's Andy.” + </p> + <p> + “Sure, let me tell you how it was, sir, and you'll see I am quit of all + harm, good or bad. 'T was a pack o' blackguards, you see, come to take off + Oonah, sir.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, a case of abduction!” + </p> + <p> + “Yis, sir; so the women dhressed me up as a girl, and the blackguards, + instead of the seduction of Oonah, only seduced me.” + </p> + <p> + “Capital!” cried Dick; “well done, Andy! And who seduced you?” + </p> + <p> + “Shan <i>More</i>, 'faith—no less.” + </p> + <p> + “Ho, ho! a dangerous customer to play tricks on, Andy.” + </p> + <p> + “Sure enough, 'faith, and that's partly the rayson of what happened; but, + by good luck, Big Jack was blind dhrunk when I got there, and I shammed + screechin' so well that his sisther took pity on me, and said she'd keep + me safe from harm in her own bed that night.” + </p> + <p> + Dick gave a “view hallo” when he heard this, and shouted with laughter, + delighted at the thought of Shan More, instead of carrying off a girl for + himself, introducing a gallant to his own sister. + </p> + <p> + “Oh, now I see how you are married,” said Dick; “that was the biter bit + indeed.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, the divil a bit I'd ha' bit her only for the cross luck with me, for + I wanted to schame off out o' the place, and escape; but she wouldn't let + me, and cotch me and brought me back.” + </p> + <p> + “I should think she would, indeed,” said Dick, laughing. “What next?” + </p> + <p> + “Why I drank a power o' punch, sir, and was off my guard, you see, and + couldn't keep the saycret so well afther that, and by dad she found it + out.” + </p> + <p> + “Just what I would expect of her,” said Dick. + </p> + <p> + “Well, do you know, sir, though the thrick was agen her own brother, she + laughed at it a power, and said I was a great divil, but that she couldn't + blame me. So then I'd sthruv to coax her to let me make my escape, but she + told me to wait a bit till the men above was faster asleep; but while I + was waitin' for them to go to sleep, faix, I went to asleep myself, I was + so tired; and when Bridget, the crathur, 'woke me in the morning, she was + cryin' like a spout afther a thunder-storm, and said her characther would + be ruined when the story got abroad over the counthry, and sure she darn't + face the world if I wouldn't make her an honest woman.” + </p> + <p> + “The brazen baggage!” said Dick; “and what did you say?” + </p> + <p> + “Why what could any man say, sir, afther that? Sure her karacther would be + gone if—” + </p> + <p> + “Gone,” said Dick, “'faith it might have gone further before it fared + worse.” + </p> + <p> + “Arrah! what do you mane, Misther Dick?” + </p> + <p> + “Pooh, pooh! Andy—you don't mean to say you married that one?” + </p> + <p> + “Faix, I did,” said Andy. + </p> + <p> + “Well, Andy,” said Dick, grinning, “by the powers, you <i>have</i> done it + this time! Good morning to you!” and Dick put spurs to his horse. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0022" id="link2HCH0022"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XLIII + </h2> + <p> + Andy, “knocked all of a heap,” stood in the middle of the road, looking + after Dick as he cantered down the slope. It was seldom poor Andy was + angry—but he felt a strong sense of indignation choking him as + Dick's parting words still rung in his ears. “What does he mane?” said + Andy, talking aloud; “what does he mane?” he repeated, anxious to doubt + and therefore question the obvious construction which Dick's words bore. + “Misther Dick is fond of a joke, and maybe this is one of his making; but + if it is, 't is not a fair one, 'pon my sowl: a poor man has his feelin's + as well as a rich man. How would you like your own wife to be spoke of + that way, Misther Dick, as proud as you ride your horse there—humph?” + </p> + <p> + Andy, in great indignation, pursued his way towards his mother's cabin to + ask her blessing upon his marriage. On his presenting himself there, both + the old woman and Oonah were in great delight at witnessing his safe + return; Oonah particularly, for she, feeling that it was for her sake Andy + placed himself in danger, had been in a state of great anxiety for the + result of the adventure, and, on seeing him, absolutely threw herself into + his arms, and embraced him tenderly, impressing many a hearty kiss upon + his lips, between whiles that she vowed she would never forget his + generosity and courage, and ending with saying there was <i>nothing</i> + she would not do for him. + </p> + <p> + Now Andy was flesh and blood like other people, and as the showers of + kisses from Oonah's ripe lips fell fast upon him he was not insensible to + the embrace of so very pretty a girl—a girl, moreover, he had always + had a “sneaking kindness” for, which Oonah's distance of manner alone had + hitherto made him keep to himself; but now, when he saw her eyes beam + gratitude, and her cheek flush, after her strong demonstration of regard, + and heard her last words, so <i>very</i> like a hint to a shy man, it must + be owned a sudden pang shot through poor Andy's heart, and he sickened at + the thought of being married, which placed the tempting prize before him + hopelessly beyond his reach. + </p> + <p> + He looked so blank, and seemed so unable to return Oonah's fond greeting, + that she felt the pique which every pretty woman experiences who fancies + her favours disregarded, and thought Andy the stupidest lout she ever came + across. Turning up her hair, which had fallen down in the excess of her + friendship, she walked out of the cottage, and, biting her disdainful lip, + fairly cried for spite. + </p> + <p> + In the meantime, Andy popped down on his knees before the widow, and said, + “Give me your blessing, mother!” + </p> + <p> + “For what, you omadhawn?” said his mother, fiercely; for her woman's + nature took part with Oonah's feelings, which she quite comprehended, and + she was vexed with what she thought Andy's disgusting insensibility. “For + what should I give you my blessing?” + </p> + <p> + “Bekase I'm marri'd, ma'am.” + </p> + <p> + “What!” exclaimed the mother. “It's not marri'd again you are? You're + jokin' sure.” + </p> + <p> + “Faix, it's no joke,” said Andy, sadly, “I'm marri'd sure enough; so give + us your blessin', anyhow,” cried he, still kneeling. + </p> + <p> + “And who did you <i>dar''</i> for to marry, sir, if I make so bowld to ax, + without <i>my</i> lave or license?” + </p> + <p> + “There was no time for axin', mother—'t was done in a hurry, and I + can't help it, so give us your blessing at once.” + </p> + <p> + “Tell me who is she, before I give you my blessin'?” + </p> + <p> + “<i>Shan More's</i> sister, ma'am.” + </p> + <p> + “What!” exclaimed the widow, staggering back some paces—“Shan More's + sisther, did you say—Bridget <i>rhua</i> [Footnote: Red-haired + Bridget.] is it?” + </p> + <p> + “Yis, ma'am.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, wirrasthru!—plillelew!—millia murther!” shouted the + mother, tearing her cap off her head,—“Oh blessed Vargin, holy St. + Dominick, Pether an' Paul the 'possel, what'll I do?—Oh, patther an' + ave—you dirty <i>bosthoon</i>—blessed angels and holy + marthyrs!—kneelin' there in the middle o' the flure as if nothing + happened—look down on me this day, a poor vartuous <i>dissolute</i> + woman!—Oh, you disgrace to me and all belonging to you,—and is + it the impidence to ask my blessin' you have, when it's a whippin' at the + cart's tail you ought to get, you shameless scapegrace?” + </p> + <p> + She then went wringing her hands, and throwing them upwards in appeals to + Heaven, while Andy still kept kneeling in the middle of the cabin, lost in + wonder. + </p> + <p> + The widow ran to the door and called Oonah in. + </p> + <p> + “Who do you think that blackguard is marri'd to?” said the widow. + </p> + <p> + “Married!” exclaimed Oonah, growing pale. + </p> + <p> + “Ay, marri'd, and who to, do you think?—Why to Bridget <i>rhua</i>.” + </p> + <p> + Oonah screamed and clasped her hands. + </p> + <p> + Andy got up at last, and asked what they were making such a rout about; he + wasn't the first man who married without asking his mother's leave; and + wanted to know what they had to “say agen it.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, you barefaced scandal o' the world!” cried the widow, “to ax sitch a + question—to marry a thrampin' sthreel like that—a great + red-headed jack—” + </p> + <p> + “She can't help her hair,” said Andy. + </p> + <p> + “I wish I could cut it off, and her head along with it, the sthrap! Oh, + blessed Vargin! to have my daughter-in-law—” + </p> + <p> + “What?” said Andy, getting rather alarmed. + </p> + <p> + “That all the country knows is—” + </p> + <p> + “What?” cried Andy. + </p> + <p> + “Not a fair nor a market-town doesn't know her as well as—Oh, wirra! + wirra!” + </p> + <p> + “Why you don't mane to say anything agen her charackther, do you?” said + Andy. + </p> + <p> + “Charakther, indeed!” said his mother, with a sneer. + </p> + <p> + “By this an' that,” said Andy, “if she was the child unborn she couldn't + make a greater hullabaloo about her charakther than she did the mornin' + afther.” + </p> + <p> + “Afther what?” said his mother. + </p> + <p> + “Afther I was tuk away up to the hill beyant, and found her there, and—but + I b'lieve I didn't tell you how it happened.” + </p> + <p> + “No,” said Oonah, coming forward, deadly pale, and listening anxiously, + with a look of deep pity in her soft eyes. + </p> + <p> + Andy then related his adventure as the reader already knows it; and when + it was ended, Oonah burst into tears and in passionate exclamations blamed + herself for all that had happened, saying it was in the endeavour to save + her that Andy had lost himself. + </p> + <p> + “Oh, Oonah! Oonah!” said Andy, with more meaning in his voice than the + girl had ever heard before, “it isn't the loss of myself I mind, but I've + lost <i>you</i> too. Oh, if you had ever given me a tendher word or look + before this day, 't would never have happened, and that desaiver in the + hills never could have <i>deludhered me</i>. And tell me, <i>lanna machree</i>, + is my suspicions right in what I hear—tell me the worst at oncet—is + she <i>non compos</i>?” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, I never heerd her called by that name before,” sobbed Oonah, “but she + has a great many others just as bad.” + </p> + <p> + “Ow! ow! ow!” exclaimed Andy. “Now I know what Misther Dick laughed at; + well, death before dishonour—I'll go 'list for a sojer, and never + live with her!” + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0023" id="link2HCH0023"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XLIV + </h2> + <p> + It has been necessary in an earlier chapter to notice the strange freaks + madness will sometimes play. It was then the object to show how strong + affections of the mind will recall an erring judgment to its true balance; + but, the action of the counterpoise growing weaker by time, the disease + returns, and reason again kicks the beam. Such was the old dowager's case: + the death of her son recalled her to herself; but a few days produced + relapse, and she was as foolish as ever. Nevertheless, as Polonius remarks + of Hamlet, + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + “There is method in his madness;” + </pre> + <p> + so in the dowager's case there was method—not of a sane intention, + as the old courtier implies of the Danish Prince, but of <i>in</i>sane + birth—begot of a chivalrous feeling on an enfeebled mind. + </p> + <p> + To make this clearly understood it is necessary to call attention to one + other peculiarity of madness,—that, while it makes those under its + influence liable to say and enact all sorts of nonsense on some subjects, + it never impairs their powers of observation on those which chance to come + within the reach of the un-diseased portion of the mind; and moreover, + they are quite as capable of arriving at just conclusions upon what they + <i>so</i> see and hear, as the most reasonable person, and, perhaps, in + proportion as the reasoning power is limited within a smaller compass, so + the capability of observation becomes stronger by being concentrated. + </p> + <p> + Such was the case with the old dowager, who, while Furlong was “doing + devotion” to Augusta, and appeared the pink of faithful swains, saw very + clearly that Furlong did not like it a bit, and would gladly be off his + bargain. Yea, while the people in their sober senses on the same plane + with the parties were taken in, the old lunatic, even from the toppling + height of her own mad chimney-pot, could look down and see that Furlong + would not marry Augusta if he could help it. + </p> + <p> + It <i>was</i> even so. Furlong had acted under the influence of terror + when poor Augusta, shoved into his bedroom through the devilment of that + rascally imp, Ratty, and found there, through the evil destiny of Andy, + was flung into his arms by her enraged father, and accepted as his wife. + The immediate hurry of the election had delayed the marriage—the + duel and its consequences further interrupted “the happy event”—and + O'Grady's death caused a further postponement. It was delicately hinted to + Furlong, that when matters had gone so far as to the wedding-dresses being + ready, that the sooner the contracting parties under such circumstances + were married, the better. But Furlong, with that affectation of propriety + which belongs to his time-serving tribe, pleaded the “regard to + appearances”—“so soon after the ever-to-be-deplored event,”—and + other such specious excuses, which were but covers to his own rascality, + and used but to postpone the “wedding-day.” The truth was, the moment + Furlong had no longer the terrors of O'Grady's pistol before his eyes, he + had resolved never to take so bad a match as that with Augusta appeared to + be—indeed was, as far as regarded money; though Furlong should only + have been too glad to be permitted to mix his plebeian blood with the + daughter of a man of high family, whose crippled circumstances and + consequent truckling conduct had reduced him to the wretched necessity of + making <i>such a cur</i> as Furlong the inmate of his house. But so it + was. + </p> + <p> + The family began at last to suspect the real state of the case, and all + were surprised except the old dowager; she had expected what was coming, + and had prepared herself for it. All her pistol practice was with a view + to call Furlong to the “last arbitrament” for this slight to her house. + Gusty was too young, she considered, for the duty; therefore she, in her + fantastic way of looking at the matter, looked upon <i>herself</i> as the + head of the family, and, as such, determined to resent the affront put + upon it. + </p> + <p> + But of her real design the family at Neck-or-Nothing Hall had not the + remotest notion. Of course, an old lady going about with a pistol, + powder-flask, and bullets, and practising on the trunks of the trees in + the park, could not pass without observation, and surmises there were on + the subject; then her occasional exclamation of “Tremble, villain!” would + escape her; and sometimes in the family circle, after sitting for a while + in a state of abstraction, she would lift her attenuated hand armed with a + knitting-needle or a ball of worsted, and assuming the action of poising a + pistol, execute a smart <i>click</i> with her tongue, and say, “I hit him + that time.” + </p> + <p> + These exclamations, indicative of vengeance, were supposed at length by + the family to apply to Edward O'Connor, but excited pity rather than + alarm. When, however, one morning, the dowager was nowhere to be found, + and Ratty and the pistols had also disappeared, an inquiry was instituted + as to the old lady's whereabouts, and Mount Eskar was one of the first + places where she was sought, but without success; and all other inquiries + were equally unavailing. + </p> + <p> + The old lady had contrived, with that cunning peculiar to insane people, + to get away from the house at an early hour in the morning, unknown to all + except Ratty, to whom she confided her intention, and he managed to get + her out of the domain unobserved, and thence together they proceeded to + Dublin in a post-chaise. It was the day after this secret expedition was + undertaken that Mr. Furlong was sitting in his private apartment at the + Castle, doing “the state some service” by reading the morning papers, + which heavy official duty he relieved occasionally by turning to some + scented notes which lay near a morocco writing-case, whence they had been + drawn by the lisping dandy to flatter his vanity. He had been carrying on + a correspondence with an anonymous fair one, in whose heart, if her words + might be believed, Furlong had made desperate havoc. + </p> + <p> + It happened, however, that these notes were all fictitious, being the work + of Tom Loftus, who enjoyed playing on a puppy as much as playing on the + organ; and he had the satisfaction of seeing Furlong going through his + paces in certain squares he had appointed, wearing a flower of Tom's + choice and going through other antics which Tom had demanded under the + signature of “Phillis,” written in a delicate hand on pink satin + note-paper with a lace border; one of the last notes suggested the + possibility of a visit from the lady, and, after assurances of “secrecy + and honour” had been returned by Furlong, he was anxiously expecting “what + would become of it;” and filled with pleasing reflections of what “a devil + of a fellow” he was among the ladies, he occasionally paced the room + before a handsome dressing-glass (with which his apartment was always + furnished), and ran his fingers through his curls with a complacent smile. + While thus occupied, and in such a frame of mind, the hall messenger + entered the apartment, and said a lady wished to see him. + </p> + <p> + “A lady!” exclaimed Furlong, in delighted surprise. + </p> + <p> + “She won't give her name, sir, but—” + </p> + <p> + “Show her up! show her up!” exclaimed the Lothario, eagerly. + </p> + <p> + All anxiety, he awaited the appearance of his donna; and quite a donna she + seemed, as a commanding figure, dressed in black, and enveloped in a rich + veil of the same, glided into the room. + </p> + <p> + “How vewy Spanish!” exclaimed Furlong, as he advanced to meet his + incognita, who, as soon as she entered, locked the door, and withdrew the + key. + </p> + <p> + “Quite pwactised in such secwet affairs,” said Furlong slily. “Fai' lady, + allow me to touch you' fai' hand, and lead you to a seat.” + </p> + <p> + The mysterious stranger made no answer; but lifting her long veil, turned + round on the lisping dandy, who staggered back, when the dowager O'Grady + appeared before him, drawn up to her full height, and anything but an + agreeable expression in her eye. She stalked up towards him, something in + the style of a spectre in a romance, which she was not very unlike; and as + she advanced, he retreated, until he got the table between him and this + most unwelcome apparition. + </p> + <p> + “I am come,” said the dowager, with an ominous tone of voice. + </p> + <p> + “Vewy happy of the hono', I am sure, Mistwess O'Gwady,” faltered Furlong. + </p> + <p> + “The avenger has come.” Furlong opened his eyes. “I have come to wash the + stain!” said she, tapping her fingers in a theatrical manner on the table, + and, as it happened, she pointed to a large blotch of ink on the + table-cover. Furlong opened his eyes wider than ever, and thought this the + queerest bit of madness he ever heard of; however, thinking it best to + humour her, he answered, “Yes, it was a little awkwa'dness of mine—I + upset the inkstand the othe' day.” + </p> + <p> + “Do you mock me, sir?” said she, with increasing bitterness. + </p> + <p> + “La, no! Mistwess O'Gwady.” + </p> + <p> + “I have come, I say, to wash out in your blood the stain you have dared to + put on the name of O'Grady.” + </p> + <p> + Furlong gasped with mingled amazement and fear. + </p> + <p> + “Tremble, villain!” she said; and she pointed toward him her long + attenuated finger with portentous solemnity. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0007" id="linkimage-0007"></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:80%"> + <img src="images/challenge.jpg" alt="The Challenge" width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + “I weally am quite at a loss, Mistwess O'Gwady, to compwehend—” + </p> + <p> + Before he could finish his sentence, the dowager had drawn from the depths + of her side-pockets a brace of pistols, and presenting them to Furlong, + said, “Be at a loss no longer, except the loss of life which may ensue: + take your choice of weapons, sir.” + </p> + <p> + “Gwacious Heaven!” exclaimed Furlong, trembling from head to foot. + </p> + <p> + “You won't choose, then?” said the dowager. “Well, there's one for you;” + and she laid a pistol before him with as courteous a manner as if she were + making him a birthday present. + </p> + <p> + Furlong stared down upon it with a look of horror. + </p> + <p> + “Now we must toss for choice of ground,” said the dowager. “I have no + money about me, for I paid my last half-crown to the post-boy, but this + will do as well for a toss as anything else;” and she laid her hands on + the dressing-glass as she spoke. “Now the call shall be 'safe,' or + 'smash;' whoever calls 'safe,' if the glass comes down unbroken, has the + choice, and <i>vice versâ</i>. I call first—'<i>Smash</i>,'” said + the dowager, as she flung up the dressing-glass, which fell in shivers on + the floor. “I have won,” said she; “oblige me, sir, by standing in that + far corner. I have the light in my back—and you will have something + else in yours before long; take your ground, sir.” + </p> + <p> + Furlong, finding himself thus cooped up with a mad woman, in an agony of + terror suddenly bethought himself of instances he had heard of escape, + under similar circumstances, by coinciding to a certain extent with the + views of the insane people, and suggested to the dowager that he hoped she + would not insist on a duel without their having a “friend” present. + </p> + <p> + “I beg your pardon, sir,” said the old lady: “I quite forgot that form, in + the excitement of the moment, though I have not overlooked the necessity + altogether, and have come provided with one.” + </p> + <p> + “Allow me to wing for him,” said Furlong, rushing to the bell. + </p> + <p> + “Stop!” exclaimed the dowager, levelling her pistol at the bell-pull; + “touch it, and you are a dead man!” + </p> + <p> + Furlong stood riveted to the spot where his rush had been arrested. + </p> + <p> + “No interruption, sir, till this little affair is settled. Here is my + friend,” she added, putting her hand into her pocket and pulling out the + wooden cuckoo of her clock. “My little bird, sir, will see fair between + us;” and she perched the painted wooden thing, with a bit of feather + grotesquely sticking up out of its nether end, on the morocco letter-case. + </p> + <p> + “Oh, Lord!” said Furlong. + </p> + <p> + “He's a gentleman of the nicest honour, sir!” said the dowager, pacing + back to the window. + </p> + <p> + Furlong took advantage of the opportunity of her back being turned, and + rushed at the bell, which he pulled with great fury. + </p> + <p> + The dowager wheeled round with haste. “So you have rung,” said she, “but + it shall not avail you—the door is locked; take your weapon, sir,—quick!—what!—a + coward!” + </p> + <p> + “Weally, Mistwess O'Gwady, I cannot think of deadly arbitrament with a + lady.” + </p> + <p> + “Less would you like it with a man, <i>poltroon</i>!” said she, with an + exaggerated expression of contempt in her manner. “However,” she added, + “if you <i>are</i> a coward, you shall have a coward's punishment.” She + went to a corner where stood a great variety of handsome canes, and laying + hold of one, began soundly to thrash Furlong, who feared to make any + resistance or attempt to disarm her of the cane, for the pistol was yet in + her other hand. + </p> + <p> + The bell was answered by the servant, who, on finding the door locked, and + hearing the row inside, began to knock and inquire loudly what was the + matter. The question was more loudly answered by Furlong, who roared out, + “Bweak the door! bweak the door!” interlarding his directions with cries + of “mu'der!” + </p> + <p> + The door at length was forced, Furlong rescued, and the old lady separated + from him. She became perfectly calm the moment other persons appeared, and + was replacing the pistols in her pocket, when Furlong requested the + “dweadful weapons” might be seized. The old lady gave up the pistols very + quietly, but laid hold of her bird and put it back into her pocket. + </p> + <p> + “This is a dweadful violation!” said Furlong, “and my life is not safe + unless she is bound ove' to keep the peace.” + </p> + <p> + “Pooh! pooh!” said one of the gentlemen from the adjacent office, who came + to the scene on hearing the uproar, “binding over an old lady to keep the + peace—nonsense!” + </p> + <p> + “I insist upon it,” said Furlong, with that stubbornness for which fools + are so remarkable. + </p> + <p> + “Oh—very well!” said the sensible gentleman, who left the room. + </p> + <p> + A party, pursuant to Furlong's determination, proceeded to the head + police-office close by the Castle, and a large mob gathered as they went + down Cork-hill and followed them to Exchange-court, where they crowded + before them in front of the office, so that it was with difficulty the + principals could make their way through the dense mass. + </p> + <p> + At length, however, they entered the office; and when Major Sir heard any + gentleman attached to the Government wanted his assistance, of course he + put any other case aside, and had the accuser and accused called up before + him. + </p> + <p> + Furlong made his charge of assault and battery, with intent to murder, + &c., &c. “Some mad old rebel, I suppose,” said Major Sir. “Do you + remember '98, ma'am?” said the major. + </p> + <p> + “Indeed I do, sir—and I remember <i>you</i> too: Major Sir I have + the honour to address, if I don't mistake.” + </p> + <p> + “Yes, ma'am. What then?” + </p> + <p> + “I remember well in '98 when you were searching for rebels, you thought a + man was concealed in a dairy-yard in the neighbourhood of my mother's + house, major, in Stephen's Green; and you thought he was hid in a + hay-rick, and ordered your sergeant to ask for the loan of a spit from my + mother's kitchen to probe the haystack.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh! then, madam, your mother was <i>loyal</i>, I suppose.” + </p> + <p> + “Most loyal, sir.” + </p> + <p> + “Give the lady a chair,” said the major. + </p> + <p> + “Thank you, I don't want it—but, major, when you asked for the spit, + my mother thought you were going to practise one of your delightfully + ingenious bits of punishment, and asked the sergeant <i>who it was you + were going to roast</i>?” + </p> + <p> + The major grew livid on the bench where he sat, at this awkward + reminiscence of one of his friends, and a dead silence reigned through the + crowded office. He recovered himself, however, and addressed Mrs. O'Grady + in a mumbling manner, telling her she must give security to keep the + peace, herself—and find friends as sureties. On asking her had she + any friends to appear for her, she declared she had. + </p> + <p> + “A gentleman of the nicest honour, sir,” said the dowager, pulling her + cuckoo from her pocket, and holding it up in view of the whole office. + </p> + <p> + A shout of laughter, of course, followed. The affair became at once + understood in its true light; a mad old lady—a paltry coward—&c., + &c. Those who know the excitability and fun of an Irish mob will not + wonder that, when the story got circulated from the office to the crowd + without, which it did with lightning rapidity, the old lady, on being + placed in a hackney-coach which was sent for, was hailed with a chorus of + “Cuckoo!” by the multitude, one half of which ran after the coach as long + as they could keep pace with it, shouting forth the spring-time call, and + the other half followed Furlong to the Castle, with hisses and other more + articulate demonstrations of their contempt. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0024" id="link2HCH0024"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XLV + </h2> + <p> + The fat and fair Widow Flanagan had, at length, given up shilly-shallying, + and yielding to the fervent entreaties of Tom Durfy, had consented to name + the happy day. She <i>would</i> have some little ways of her own about it, + however, and instead of being married in the country, insisted on the + nuptial knot being tied in Dublin. Thither the widow repaired with her + swain to complete the stipulated time of residence within some + metropolitan parish before the wedding could take place. In the meanwhile + they enjoyed all the gaiety the capital presented, the time glided swiftly + by, and Tom was within a day of being made a happy man, when, as he was + hastening to the lodgings of the fair widow, who was waiting with her + bonnet and shawl on to be escorted to the botanical gardens at Glasnevin, + he was accosted by an odd-looking person of somewhat sinister aspect. + </p> + <p> + “I believe I have the honour of addressing Mister Durfy, sir?” Tom + answered in the affirmative. “<i>Thomas</i> Durfy, Esquire, I think, sir?” + </p> + <p> + “Yes.” + </p> + <p> + “This is for you, sir,” he said, handing Tom a piece of dirty printed + paper, and at the same time laying his hand on Tom's shoulder and + executing a smirking sort of grin, which he meant to be the pattern of + politeness, added, “You'll excuse me, sir, but I arrest you under a + warrant from the High Sheriff of the city of Dublin; always sorry, sir, + for a gintleman in defficulties, but it's my duty.” + </p> + <p> + “You're a bailiff, then?” said Tom. + </p> + <p> + “Sir,” said the bum, + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + “'Honour and shame from no condition rise; + Act well your part—there all the honour lies.'” + </pre> + <p> + “I meant no offence,” said Tom. “I only meant—” + </p> + <p> + “I understand, sir—I understand. These little defficulties startles + gintlemen at first—you've not been used to arrest, I see, sir?” + </p> + <p> + “Never in my life did such a thing happen before,” said Tom. “I live + generally, thank God, where a bailiff daren't show his face.” + </p> + <p> + “Ah, sir,” said the bailiff with a grin, “them rustic habits betrays the + children o' nature often when they come to town; but we are <i>so + fisticated</i> here in the metropolis, that we lay our hands on strangers + aisy. But you'd better not stand in the street, sir, or people will + understand it's an arrest, sir; and I suppose you wouldn't like the + exposure. I can simperise in a gintle-man's feelings, sir. If you walk + aisy on, sir, and don't attempt to escape or rescue, I'll keep a + gentlemanlike distance.” + </p> + <p> + Tom walked on in great perplexity for a few steps, not knowing what to do. + The hour of his rendezvous had struck; he knew how impatient of neglect + the widow always was; he at one moment thought of asking the bailiff to + allow him to proceed to her lodgings at once, there boldly to avow what + had taken place and ask her to discharge the debt; but this his pride + would not allow him to do. As he came to the corner of a street, he got a + tap on the elbow from the bailiff, who, with a jerking motion of his thumb + and a wink, said in a confidential tone to Tom, “Down this street, sir—that's + the way to the <i>pres'n</i> (prison).” + </p> + <p> + “Prison!” exclaimed Tom, halting involuntarily at the word. + </p> + <p> + “Shove on, sir—shove on!” hastily repeated the sheriff's officer, + urging his orders by a nudge or two on Tom's elbow. + </p> + <p> + “Don't shove me, sir!” said Tom, rather angrily, “or by G—” + </p> + <p> + “Aisy, sir—aisy!” said the bailiff; “though I feel for the + defficulties of a gintleman, the caption must be made, sir. If you don't + like the pris'n, I have a nice little room o' my own, sir, where you can + wait, for a small consideration, until you get bail.” + </p> + <p> + “I'll go there, then,” said Tom. “Go through as private streets as you + can.” + </p> + <p> + “Give me half-a-guinea for my trouble, sir, and I'll ambulate you through + lanes every <i>fut</i> o' the way.” + </p> + <p> + “Very well,” said Tom. + </p> + <p> + They now struck into a shabby street, and thence wended through stable + lanes, filthy alleys, up greasy broken steps, through one close, and down + steps in another—threaded dark passages whose debouchures were + blocked up with posts to prevent vehicular conveyance, the accumulated + dirt of years sensible to the tread from its lumpy unevenness, and the + stagnant air rife with pestilence. Tom felt increasing disgust at every + step he proceeded, but anything to him appeared better than being seen in + the public streets in such company; for, until they got into these + labyrinths of nastiness, Tom thought he saw in the looks of every + passer-by, as plainly told as if the words were spoken, “There goes a + fellow under the care of the bailiff.” In these by-ways, he had not any + objection to speak to his companion, and for the first time asked him what + he was arrested for. + </p> + <p> + “At the suit of Mr. M'Kail, sir.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh! the tailor?” said Tom. + </p> + <p> + “Yes, sir,” said the bailiff. “And if you would not consider it trifling + with the feelings of a gintleman in defficulties, I would make the playful + observation, sir, that it's quite in character to be arrested at the <i>suit</i> + of a tailor. He! he! he!” + </p> + <p> + “You're a wag, I see,” said Tom. + </p> + <p> + “Oh no, sir, only a poetic turn: a small affection I have certainly for + Judy Mot, but my rale passion is the muses. We are not far now, sir, from + my little bower of repose—which is the name I give my humble abode—small, + but snug, sir. You'll see another gintleman there, sir, before you. He is + waitin' for bail these three or four days, sir—can't pay as he ought + for the 'commodation, but he's a friend o' mine, I may almost say, sir—a + litherary gintleman—them litherary gintlemen is always in + defficulties mostly. I suppose you're a litherary gintleman, sir—though + you're rather ginteely dhressed for one?” + </p> + <p> + “No,” said Tom, “I am not.” + </p> + <p> + “I thought you wor, sir, by being acquainted with this other gintleman.” + </p> + <p> + “An acquaintance of mine!” said Tom, with surprise. + </p> + <p> + “Yes, sir. In short it was through him I found out where you wor, sir. I + have had the wret agen you for some time, but couldn't make you off, till + my friend says I must carry a note from him to you.” + </p> + <p> + “Where is the note?” inquired Tom. + </p> + <p> + “Not ready yet, sir. It's po'thry he's writin'—something 'pithy' he + said, and 'lame' too. I dunna how a thing could be pithy and lame + together, but them potes has hard words at command.” + </p> + <p> + “Then you came away without the note?” + </p> + <p> + “Yis, sir. As soon as I found out where you wor stopping I ran off + directly on Mr. M'Kail's little business. You'll excuse the liberty, sir; + but we must all mind our professions; though, indeed, sir, if you b'lieve + me, I'd rather nab a rhyme than a gintleman any day; and if I could get on + the press I'd quit the shoulder-tapping profession.” + </p> + <p> + Tom cast an eye of wonder on the bailiff, which the latter comprehended at + once; for with habitual nimbleness he could nab a man's thoughts as fast + as his person. “I know what you're thinkin', sir—could one of my + profession pursue the muses? Don't think, sir, I mane I could write the + 'laders' or the pollitik'l articles, but the criminal cases, sir—the + robberies and offinces—with the watchhouse cases—together with + a little po'thry now and then. I think I could be useful, sir, and do + better than some of the chaps that pick up their ha'pence that way. But + here's my place, sir—my little bower of repose.” + </p> + <p> + He knocked at the door of a small tumble-down house in a filthy lane, the + one window it presented in front being barred with iron. Some bolts were + drawn inside, and though the man who opened the door was forbidding in his + aspect, he did not refuse to let Tom in. The portal was hastily closed and + bolted after they had entered. The smell of the house was pestilential—the + entry dead dark. + </p> + <p> + “Give me your hand, sir,” said the bailiff, leading Tom forward. They + ascended some creaking stairs, and the bailiff, fumbling for some time + with a key at a door, unlocked it and shoved it open, and then led in his + captive. Tom saw a shabby-genteel sort of person, whose back was towards + him, directing a letter. + </p> + <p> + “Ah, Goggins!” said the writer, “you're come back in the nick of time. I + have finished now, and you may take the letter to Mister Durfy.” + </p> + <p> + “You may give it to him yourself, sir,” replied Goggins, “for here he is.” + </p> + <p> + “Indeed!” said the writer, turning round. + </p> + <p> + “What!” exclaimed Tom Durfy, in surprise; “James Reddy!” + </p> + <p> + “Even so,” said James, with a sentimental air: + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + “'The paths of glory lead but to the grave.' +</pre> + <p> + Literature is a bad trade, my dear Tom!—'tis an ungrateful world—men + of the highest aspirations may lie in gaol for all the world cares; not + that you come within the pale of the worthless ones; this is good-natured + of you to come and see a friend in trouble. You deserve, my dear Tom, that + you should have been uppermost in my thoughts; for here is a note I have + just written to you, enclosing a copy of verses to you on your marriage—in + short, it is an epithalamium.” + </p> + <p> + “That's what I told you, sir,” said Goggins to Tom. + </p> + <p> + “May the divil burn you and your epithalamium!” said Tom Durfy, stamping + round the little room. + </p> + <p> + James Reddy stared in wonder, and Goggins roared, laughing. + </p> + <p> + “A pretty compliment you've paid me, Mister Reddy, this fine morning,” + said Tom; “you tell a bailiff where I live, that you may send your + infernal verses to me, and you get me arrested.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, murder!” exclaimed James. “I'm very sorry, my dear Tom; but, at the + same time, 't is a capital incident! How it would work up in a farce!” + </p> + <p> + “How funny it is!” said Tom in a rage, eyeing James as if he could have + eaten him. “Bad luck to all poetry and poetasters! By the 'tarnal war, I + wish every poet, from Homer down, was put into a mortar and pounded to + death!” + </p> + <p> + James poured forth expressions of sorrow for the mischance; and extremely + ludicrous it was to see one man making apologies for trying to pay his + friend a compliment; his friend swearing at him for his civility, and the + bailiff grinning at them both. + </p> + <p> + In this triangular dilemma we will leave them for the present. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0025" id="link2HCH0025"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XLVI + </h2> + <p> + Edward O'Connor, on hearing from Gustavus of the old dowager's + disappearance from Neck-or-Nothing Hall, joined in the eager inquiries + which were made about her; and <i>his</i> being directed with more method + and judgment than those of others, their result was more satisfactory. He + soon “took up the trail,” to use an Indian phrase, and he and Gusty were + not many hours in posting after the old lady. They arrived in town early + in the morning, and lost no time in casting about for information. + </p> + <p> + One of the first places Edward inquired at was the inn where the + postchaise generally drove to from the house where the old dowager had + obtained her carriage in the country; but there no trace was to be had. + Next, the principal hotels were referred to, but as yet without success; + when, as they turned into one of the leading streets in continuance of + their search, their attention was attracted by a crowd swaying to and fro + in that peculiar manner which indicates there is a fight inside of it. + Great excitement prevailed on the verge of the crowd, where exclamations + escaped from those who could get a peep at the fight. + </p> + <p> + “The little chap has great heart!” cried one. + </p> + <p> + “But the sweep is the biggest,” said another. + </p> + <p> + “Well done, <i>Horish</i>!” [Footnote: The name of a celebrated sweep in + Ireland, whose name is applied to the whole.] cried a blackguard, who + enjoyed the triumph of his fellow. “Bravo! little fellow,” rejoined a + genteel person, who rejoiced in some successful hit of the other + combatant. There is an inherent love in men to see a fight, which Edward + O'Connor shared with inferior men; and if <i>he</i> had not peeped into + the ring, most assuredly Gusty would. What was their astonishment, when + they got a glimpse of the pugilists, to perceive Ratty was one of them—his + antagonist being a sweep, taller by a head, and no bad hand at the “noble + science.” + </p> + <p> + Edward's first impulse was to separate them, but Gusty requested he would + not, saying that he saw by Ratty's eye he was able to “lick the fellow.” + Ratty certainly showed great fight; what the sweep had in superior size + was equalized by the superior “game” of the gentleman-boy, to whom the + indomitable courage of a high-blooded race had descended, and who would + sooner have died than yield. Besides, Ratty was not deficient in the use + of his “bunch of fives,” hit hard for his size, and was very agile: the + sweep sometimes made a rush, grappled, and got a fall; but he never went + in without getting something from Ratty to “remember him,” and was not + always uppermost. At last, both were so far punished, and the combat not + being likely to be speedily ended (for the sweep was no craven), that the + bystanders interfered, declaring that “they ought to be separated,” and + they were. + </p> + <p> + While the crowd was dispersing, Edward called a coach; and before Ratty + could comprehend how the affair was managed, he was shoved into it and + driven from the scene of action. Ratty had a confused sense of hearing + loud shouts—of being lifted somewhere—of directions given—the + rattle of iron steps clinking sharply—two or three fierce bangs of a + door that wouldn't shut, and then an awful shaking, which roused him up + from the corner of the vehicle into which he had fallen in the first + moment of exhaustion. Ratty “shook his feathers,” dragged his hair from + out of his eyes, which were getting very black indeed, and applied his + handkerchief to his nose, which was much in need of that delicate + attention; and when the sense of perfect vision was restored to him, which + was not for some time (all the colours of the rainbow dancing before + Ratty's eyes for many seconds after the fight), what was his surprise to + see Edward O'Connor and Gusty sitting on the opposite seat! + </p> + <p> + It was some time before Ratty could quite comprehend his present + situation; but as soon as he was made sensible of it, and could answer, + the first questions asked of him were about his grandmother. Ratty + fortunately remembered the name of the hotel where she put up, though he + had left it as soon as the old lady proceeded to the Castle—had lost + his way—and got engaged in a quarrel with a sweep in the meantime. + </p> + <p> + The coach was ordered to drive to the hotel named; and how the fight + occurred was the next question. + </p> + <p> + “The sweep was passing by, and I called him 'snow-ball,'” said Ratty; “and + the blackguard returned an impudent answer, and I hit him.” + </p> + <p> + “You had no right to call him 'snow-ball,'” said Edward. + </p> + <p> + “I always called the sweeps 'snow-ball' down at the Hall,” said Ratty, + “and they never answered.” + </p> + <p> + “When you are on your own territory you may say what you please to your + dependents, Ratty, and they dare not answer; or to use a vulgar saying, 'A + cock may crow on his own dunghill.'” + </p> + <p> + “I'm no dunghill cock!” said Ratty, fiercely. + </p> + <p> + “Indeed, you're not,” said Edward, laying his hand kindly on the boy's + shoulder; “you have plenty of courage.” + </p> + <p> + “I'd have licked him,” said Ratty, “if they'd have let me have two or + three rounds more.” + </p> + <p> + “My dear boy, other things are needful in this world besides courage. + Prudence, temper, and forbearance are required; and this may be a lesson + to you, to remember, that, when you get abroad in the world, you are very + little cared about, however great your consequence may be at home; and I + am sure you cannot be proud about your having got into a quarrel <i>with a + sweep</i>.” + </p> + <p> + Ratty made no answer—his blood began to cool—he became every + moment more sensible that he had received heavy blows. His eyes became + more swollen, he snuffled more in his speech, and his blackened condition + altogether, from gutter, soot, and thrashing, convinced him a fight with a + sweep was <i>not</i> an enviable achievement. + </p> + <p> + The coach drew up at the hotel. Edward left Gusty to see about the + dowager, and made an appointment for Gusty to meet him at their own + lodgings in an hour; while he in the interim should call on Dick Dawson, + who was in town on his way to London. + </p> + <p> + Edward shook hands with Ratty and bade him kindly good bye. “You're a + stout fellow, Ratty,” said he, “but remember this old saying, '<i>Quarrelsome + dogs get dirty coats</i>.'” + </p> + <p> + Edward now proceeded to Dick's lodgings, and found him engaged in reading + a note from Tom Durfy, dated from the “Bower of Repose,” and requesting + Dick's aid in his present difficulty. + </p> + <p> + “Here's a pretty kettle of fish,” said Dick: “Tom Durfy, who is engaged to + dine with me to-day to take leave of his bachelor life, as he is going to + be married to-morrow, is arrested, and now in <i>quod</i>, and wants me to + bail him.” + </p> + <p> + “The shortest way is to pay the money at once,” said Edward; “is it much?” + </p> + <p> + “That I don't know; but I have not a great deal about me, and what I have + I want for my journey to London and my expenses there—not but what + I'd help Tom if I could.” + </p> + <p> + “He must not be allowed to remain <i>there</i>, however we manage to get + him out,” said Edward; “perhaps I can help you in the affair.” + </p> + <p> + “You're always a good fellow, Ned,” said Dick, shaking his hand warmly. + </p> + <p> + Edward escaped from hearing any praise of himself by proposing they should + repair at once to the sponging-house, and see how matters stood. Dick + lamented he should be called away at such a moment, for he was just going + to get his wine ready for the party—particularly some champagne, + which he was desirous of seeing well iced; but as he could not wait to do + it himself, he called Andy, to give him directions about it, and set off + with Edward to the relief of Tom Durfy. + </p> + <p> + Andy was once more in service in the Egan family; for the Squire, on + finding him still more closely linked by his marriage with the desperate + party whose influence over Andy was to be dreaded, took advantage of + Andy's disgust against the woman who had entrapped him, and offered to + take him off to London instead of enlisting; and as Andy believed he would + be there sufficiently out of the way of the false Bridget, he came off at + once to Dublin with Dick, who was the pioneer of the party to London. + </p> + <p> + Dick gave Andy the necessary directions for icing the champagne, which he + set apart and pointed out most particularly to our hero, lest he should + make a mistake and perchance ice the port instead. + </p> + <p> + After Edward and Dick had gone, Andy commenced operations according to + orders. He brought a large tub up-stairs containing rough ice, which + excited Andy's wonder, for he never had known till now that ice was + preserved for and applied to such a use, for an ice-house did not happen + to be attached to any establishment in which he had served. + </p> + <p> + “Well, this is the quarest thing I ever heerd of,” said Andy. “Musha! what + outlandish inventions the quolity has among them! They're not contint with + wine, but they must have ice along with it—and in a tub, too!—just + like pigs!—throth it's a dirty thrick, I think. Well, here goes!” + said he; and Andy opened a bottle of champagne, and poured it into the tub + with the ice. “How it fizzes!” said Andy, “Faix, it's almost as lively as + the soda-wather that bothered me long ago. Well, I know more about things + now; sure it's wondherful how a man improves with practice!”—and + another bottle of champagne was emptied into the tub as he spoke. Thus, + with several other complacent comments upon his own proficiency, Andy + poured half-a-dozen of champagne into the tub of ice, and remarked, when + he had finished his work, that he thought it would be “mighty cowld on + their stomachs.” + </p> + <p> + Dick and Edward all this time were on their way to the relief of Tom + Durfy, who, though he had cooled down from the boiling-pitch to which the + misadventure of the morning had raised him, was still <i>simmering</i>, + with his elbows planted on the rickety table in Mr. Goggins' “bower,” and + his chin resting on his clenched hands. It was the very state of mind in + which Tom was most dangerous. + </p> + <p> + At the other side of the table sat James Reddy, intently employed in + writing; his pursed mouth and knitted brows bespoke a labouring state of + thought, and the various crossings, interlinings, and blottings gave + additional evidence of the same, while now and then a rush at a line which + was knocked off in a hurry, with slashing dashes of the pen, and fierce + after-crossings of <i>t's</i>, and determined dottings of <i>i's</i>, + declared some thought suddenly seized, and executed with bitter triumph. + </p> + <p> + “You seem very <i>happy in yourself</i> in what you are writing,” said + Tom. “What is it? Is it another epithalamium?” + </p> + <p> + “It is a caustic article against the successful men of the day,” said + Reddy; “they have no merit, sir—none. 'T is nothing but luck has + placed them where they are, and they ought to be exposed.” He then threw + down his pen as he spoke, and, after a silence of some minutes, suddenly + put this question to Tom: + </p> + <p> + “What do you think of the world?” + </p> + <p> + “'Faith, I think it so pleasant a place,” said Tom, “that I'm confoundedly + vexed at being kept out of it by being locked up here; and that cursed + bailiff is so provokingly free-and-easy—coming in here every ten + minutes, and making himself at home.” + </p> + <p> + “Why, as for that matter, it is his home, you must remember.” + </p> + <p> + “But while a gentleman is here for a period,” said Tom, “this room ought + to be considered his, and that fellow has no business here—and then + his bows and scrapes, and talking about the feelings of a gentleman, and + all that—'t is enough to make a dog beat his father. Curse him! I'd + like to choke him.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh! that's merely his manner,” said James. + </p> + <p> + “Want of manners, you mean,” said Tom. “Hang me, if he comes up to me with + his rascally familiarity again, but I'll kick him down stairs.” + </p> + <p> + “My dear fellow, you are excited,” said Reddy; “don't let these sublunary + trifles ruffle your temper—you see how I bear it; and to recall you + to yourself, I will remind you of the question we started from, 'What do + you think of the world?' There's a general question—a broad + question, upon which one may talk with temper and soar above the petty + grievances of life in the grand consideration of so ample a subject. You + see me here, a prisoner like yourself, but I can talk of <i>the world</i>. + Come, be a calm philosopher, like me! Answer, what do you think of the + world?” + </p> + <p> + “I've told you already,” said Tom; “it's a capital place, only for the + bailiffs.” + </p> + <p> + “I can't agree with you,” said James. “I think it one vast pool of + stagnant wretchedness, where the <i>malaria</i> of injustice holds her + scales suspended, to poison rising talent by giving an undue weight to + existing prejudices.” + </p> + <p> + To this lucid and good-tempered piece of philosophy, Tom could only + answer, “You know I am no poet, and I cannot argue with you but, 'pon my + soul, I <i>have</i> known, and <i>do</i> know, some uncommon good fellows + in the world.” + </p> + <p> + “You're wrong, you're wrong, my unsuspecting friend. 'T is a bad world, + and no place for susceptible minds. Jealousy pursues talent like its + shadow—superiority alone wins for you the hatred of inferior men. + For instance, why am <i>I</i> here? The editor of <i>my</i> paper will not + allow <i>my</i> articles always to appear;—prevents their insertion, + lest the effect they would make would cause inquiry, and tend to <i>my</i> + distinction; and the consequence is, that the paper <i>I</i> came to <i>uphold</i> + in Dublin is deprived of <i>my</i> articles, and <i>I</i> don't get paid; + while <i>I</i> see <i>inferior</i> men, without asking for it, loaded with + favour; <i>they</i> are abroad in affluence, and <i>I</i> in captivity and + poverty. But one comfort is, even in disgrace I can write, and they shall + get a slashing.” + </p> + <p> + Thus spoke the calm philosopher, who gave Tom a lecture on patience. + </p> + <p> + Tom was no great conjuror; but at that moment, like Audrey, “he thanked + the gods he was not poetical.” If there be any one thing more than another + to make an “every-day man” content with his average lot, it is the + exhibition of ambitious inferiority, striving for distinction it can never + attain; just given sufficient perception to desire the glory of success, + without power to measure the strength that can achieve it; like some poor + fly, which beats its head against a pane of glass, seeing the sunshine + beyond, but incapable of perceiving the subtle medium which intervenes—too + delicate for its limited sense to comprehend, but too strong for its + limited power to pass. But though Tom felt satisfaction at that moment, he + had too good feeling to wound the self-love of the vain creature before + him; so, instead of speaking what he thought, viz., “What business have + you to attempt literature, you conceited fool?” he tried to wean him + civilly from his folly by saying, “Then come back to the country, James; + if you find jealous rivals <i>here</i>, you know you were always admired + <i>there</i>.” + </p> + <p> + “No, sir,” said James; “even there my merit was unacknowledged.” + </p> + <p> + “No! no!” said Tom. + </p> + <p> + “Well, underrated, at least. Even there, <i>that</i> Edward O'Connor, + somehow or other, I never could tell why—I never saw his great + talents—but somehow or other, people got it into their heads that he + was clever.” + </p> + <p> + “I tell you what it is,” said Tom, earnestly, “Ned-of-the-Hill has got + into a better place than people's <i>heads</i>—he has got into their + <i>hearts</i>!” + </p> + <p> + “There it is!” exclaimed James, indignantly. “You have caught up the + cuckoo-cry—the heart! Why, sir, what merit is there in writing about + feelings which any common labourer can comprehend? There's no poetry in + that; true poetry lies in a higher sphere, where you have difficulty in + following the flight of the poet, and possibly may not be fortunate enough + to understand him—that's poetry, sir.” + </p> + <p> + “I told you I am no poet,” said Tom; “but all I know is, I have felt my + heart warm to some of Edward's songs, and, by jingo, I have seen the + women's eyes glisten, and their cheeks flush or grow pale, as they have + heard them—and that's poetry enough for me.” + </p> + <p> + “Well, let Mister O'Connor enjoy his popularity, sir, if popularity it may + be called, in a small country circle—let him enjoy it—I don't + envy him <i>his</i>, though I think he was rather jealous about mine.” + </p> + <p> + “Ned jealous!” exclaimed Tom, in surprise. + </p> + <p> + “Yes, jealous; I never heard him say a kind word of any verses I ever + wrote in my life; and I am certain he has most unkind feelings towards + me.” + </p> + <p> + “I tell you what it is,” said Tom, “getting up” a bit; “I told you I don't + understand poetry, but I <i>do</i> understand what's an infinitely better + thing, and that's fine, generous, manly feeling; and if there's a human + being in the world incapable of wronging another in his mind or heart, or + readier to help his fellow-man, it is Edward O'Connor: so say no more, + James, if you please.” + </p> + <p> + Tom had scarcely uttered the last word, when the key was turned in the + door. + </p> + <p> + “Here's that infernal bailiff again!” said Tom, whose irritability, + increased by Reddy's paltry egotism and injustice, was at its + boiling-pitch once more. He planted himself firmly in his chair, and + putting on his fiercest frown, was determined to confront Mister Goggins + with an aspect that should astonish him. + </p> + <p> + The door opened, and Mister Goggins made his appearance, presenting to the + gentlemen in the room the hinder portion of his person, which made several + indications of courtesy performed by the other half of his body, while he + uttered the words, “Don't be astonished, gentlemen; you'll be used to it + by-and-by.” And with these words he kept backing towards Tom, making these + nether demonstrations of civility, till Tom could plainly see the seams in + the back of Mr. Goggins's pantaloons. + </p> + <p> + Tom thought this was some new touch of the “free-and-easy” on Mister + Goggins's part, and, losing all command of himself, he jumped from his + chair, and with a vigorous kick gave Mister Goggins such a lively + impression of his desire that he should leave the room, that Mister + Goggins went head foremost down the stairs, pitching his whole weight upon + Dick Dawson and Edward O'Connor, who were ascending the dark stairs, and + to whom all his bows had been addressed. Overwhelmed with astonishment and + twelve stone of bailiff, they were thrown back into the hall, and an + immense uproar in the passage ensued. + </p> + <p> + Edward and Dick were near coming in for some hard usage from Goggins, + conceiving it might be a preconcerted attempt on the part of his prisoners + and their newly arrived friends to achieve a rescue; and while he was + rolling about on the ground, he roared to his evil-visaged janitor to look + to the door first, and keep him from being “murthered” after. + </p> + <p> + Fortunately no evil consequences ensued, until matters could be explained + in the hall, and Edward and Dick were introduced to the upper room, from + which Goggins had been so suddenly ejected. + </p> + <p> + There the bailiff demanded in a very angry tone the cause of Tom's + conduct; and when it was found to be <i>only</i> a mutual misunderstanding—that + Goggins wouldn't take a liberty with a gentleman “in defficulties” for the + world, and that Tom wouldn't hurt a fly, “only under a mistake”—matters + were cleared up to the satisfaction of all parties, and the real business + of the meeting commenced:—that was to pay Tom's debt out of hand; + and when the bailiff saw all demands, fees included, cleared off, the + clouds from his brow cleared off also, he was the most amiable of + sheriff's officers, and all his sentimentality returned. + </p> + <p> + Edward did not seem quite to sympathise with his amiability, so Goggins + returned to the charge, while Tom and Dick were exchanging a few words + with James Reddy. + </p> + <p> + “You see, sir,” said Goggins, “in the first place, it is quite beautiful + to see the mind in adversity bearing up against the little antediluvian + afflictions that will happen occasionally, and then how fine it is to + remark the spark of generosity that kindles in the noble heart and rushes + to the assistance of the destitute! I do assure you, sir, it is a most + beautiful sight to see the gentlemen in defficulties waitin' here for + their friends to come to their relief, like the last scene in Blue Beard, + where sister Ann waves her han'kerchief from the tower—the tyrant is + slain—and virtue rewarded! + </p> + <p> + “Ah, sir!” said he to Edward O'Connor, whose look of disgust at the + wretched den caught the bailiff's attention, “don't entertain an antifassy + from first imprissions, which is often desaivin'. I do pledge you my + honour, sir, there is no place in the 'varsal world where human nature is + visible in more attractive colours than in this humble retrait.” + </p> + <p> + Edward could not conceal a smile at the fellow's absurdity, though his + sense of the ridiculous could not overcome the disgust with which the + place inspired him. He gave an admonitory touch to the elbow of Dick + Dawson, who, with his friend Tom Durfy, followed Edward from the room, the + bailiff bringing up the rear, and relocking the door on the unfortunate + James Reddy, who was left “alone in his glory,” to finish his slashing + article against the successful men of the day. Nothing more than words of + recognition had passed between Reddy and Edward. In the first place, + Edward's appearance at the very moment the other was indulging in + illiberal observations upon him rendered the ill-tempered poetaster dumb; + and Edward attributed this distance of manner to a feeling of shyness + which Reddy might entertain at being seen in such a place, and therefore + had too much good breeding to thrust his civility on a man who seemed to + shrink from it; but when he left the house he expressed his regret to his + companions at the poor fellow's unfortunate situation. + </p> + <p> + It touched Tom Durfy's heart to hear these expressions of compassion + coming from the lips of the man he had heard maligned a few minutes before + by the very person commiserated, and it raised his opinion higher of + Edward, whose hand he now shook with warm expressions of thankfulness on + his own account, for the prompt service rendered to him. Edward made as + light of his own kindness as he could, and begged Tom to think nothing of + such a trifle. + </p> + <p> + “One word I will say to you, Durfy, and I'm sure you'll pardon me for it.” + </p> + <p> + “Could you say a thing to offend me?” was the answer. + </p> + <p> + “You are to be married soon, I understand?” + </p> + <p> + “To-morrow,” said Tom. + </p> + <p> + “Well, my dear Durfy, if you owe any more money, take a real friend's + advice, and tell your pretty good-hearted widow the whole amount of your + debts before you marry her.” + </p> + <p> + “My dear O'Connor,” said Tom, “the money you've lent me now is all I owe + in the world; 't was a tailor's bill, and I quite forgot it. You know, no + one ever thinks of a tailor's bill. Debts, indeed!” added Tom, with + surprise; “my dear fellow, I never could be much in debt, for the devil a + one would trust me.” + </p> + <p> + “An excellent reason for your unencumbered state,” said Edward, “and I + hope you pardon me.” + </p> + <p> + “Pardon!” exclaimed Tom, “I esteem you for your kind and manly frankness.” + </p> + <p> + In the course of their progress towards Dick's lodgings, Edward reverted + to James Reddy's wretched condition, and found it was but some petty debt + for which he was arrested. He lamented, in common with Dick and Tom, the + infatuation which made him desert a duty he could profitably perform by + assisting his father in his farming concerns, to pursue a literary path, + which could never be any other to him than one of thorns. + </p> + <p> + As Edward had engaged to meet Gusty in an hour, he parted from his + companions and pursued his course alone. But, instead of proceeding + immediately homeward, he retraced his steps to the den of the bailiff and + gave a quiet tap at the door. Mister Goggins himself answered to the + knock, and began a loud and florid welcome to Edward, who stopped his + career of eloquence by laying a finger on his lip in token of silence. A + few words sufficed to explain the motive of his visit. He wished to + ascertain the sum for which the gentleman up-stairs was detained. The + bailiff informed him; and the money necessary to procure the captive's + liberty was placed in his hand. + </p> + <p> + The bailiff cast one of his melodramatic glances at Edward, and said, + “Didn't I tell you, sir, this was the place for calling out the noblest + feelings of human nature?” + </p> + <p> + “Can you oblige me with writing materials?” said Edward. + </p> + <p> + “I can, sir,” said Goggins, proudly, “and with other <i>materials</i> too, + if you like—and 'pon my honour, I'll be proud to drink your health, + for you're a raal gintleman.” [Footnote: The name given in Ireland to the + necessary materials for the compounding of whisky-punch.] + </p> + <p> + Edward, in the civilest manner, declined the offer, and wrote, or rather + tried to write, the following note, with a pen like a skewer, ink + something thicker than mud, and on whity-brown paper:— + </p> + <p> + “DEAR SIR,—I hope you will pardon the liberty I have taken in your + temporary want of money. You can repay me at your convenience. Yours, + </p> + <h3> + “E. O'C.” + </h3> + <p> + Edward left the den, and so did James Reddy soon after—a better man. + Though weak, his heart was not shut to the humanities of life—and + Edward's kindness, in opening his eyes to the wrong he had done <i>one</i> + man, induced in his heart a kinder feeling towards all. He tore up his + slashing article against successful men. Would that every disappointed man + would do the same. + </p> + <p> + The bailiff was right: even so low a den as his becomes ennobled by the + presence of active benevolence and prejudice reclaimed. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0026" id="link2HCH0026"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XLVII + </h2> + <p> + Edward, on returning to his hotel, found Gusty there before him, in great + delight at having seen a “splendid” horse, as he said, which had been + brought for Edward's inspection, he having written a note on his arrival + in town to a dealer stating his want of a first-rate hunter. + </p> + <p> + “He's in the stable now,” said Gusty; “for I desired the man to wait, + knowing you would be here soon.” + </p> + <p> + “I cannot see him now, Gusty,” said Edward: “will you have the kindness to + tell the groom I can look at the horse in his own stables when I wish to + purchase?” + </p> + <p> + Gusty departed to do the message, somewhat in wonder, for Edward loved a + fine horse. But the truth was, Edward's disposable money, which he had + intended for the purchase of a hunter, had a serious inroad made upon it + by the debts he had discharged for other men, and he was forced to forego + the pleasure he had proposed to himself in the next hunting season; and he + did not like to consume any one's time, or raise false expectations, by + affecting to look at disposable property with the eye of a purchaser, when + he knew it was beyond his reach; and the flimsy common-places of “I'll + think of it,” or “If I don't see something better,” or any other of the + twenty hackneyed excuses which idle people make, after consuming busy + men's time, Edward held to be unworthy. He could ride a hack and deny + himself hunting for a whole season, but he would not unnecessarily consume + the useful time of any man for ten minutes. + </p> + <p> + This may be sneered at by the idle and thoughtless; nevertheless, it is a + part of the minor morality which is ever present in the conduct of a true + gentleman. + </p> + <p> + Edward had promised to join Dick's dinner-party on an impromptu + invitation, and the clock striking the appointed hour warned Edward it was + time to be off; so, jumping up on a jaunting car, he rattled off to Dick's + lodgings, where a jolly party was assembled ripe for fun. + </p> + <p> + Amongst the guests was a rather remarkable man, a Colonel Crammer, who had + seen a monstrous deal of service—one of Tom Durfy's friends whom he + had asked leave to bring with him to dinner. Of course, Dick's card and a + note of invitation for the gallant colonel were immediately despatched; + and he had but just arrived before Edward, who found a bustling sensation + in the room as the colonel was presented to those already assembled, and + Tom Durfy giving whispers, aside, to each person touching his friend; such + as—“Very remarkable man”—“Seen great service”—“A little + odd or so”—“A fund of most extraordinary anecdote,” &c., &c. + </p> + <p> + Now this Colonel Crammer was no other than Tom Loftus, whose acquaintance + Dick wished to make, and who had been invited to the dinner after a + preliminary visit; but Tom sent an excuse in his own name, and preferred + being present under a fictitious one—this being one of the odd ways + in which his humour broke out, desirous of giving people a “touch of his + quality” before they knew him. He was in the habit of assuming various + characters; a methodist missionary—the patentee of some unheard-of + invention—the director of some new joint-stock company—in + short, anything which would give him an opportunity of telling tremendous + bouncers was equally good for Tom. His reason for assuming a military + guise on this occasion was to bother Moriarty, whom he knew he should + meet, and held a special reason for tormenting; and he knew he could + achieve this, by throwing all the stories Moriarty was fond of telling + about his own service into the shade, by extravagant inventions of + “hair-breadth 'scapes” and feats by “flood and field.” Indeed, the dinner + would not be worth mentioning but for the extraordinary capers Tom cut on + the occasion, and the unheard-of lies he squandered. + </p> + <p> + Dinner was announced by Andy, and with good appetite soup and fish were + soon despatched; sherry followed as a matter of necessity. The second + course appeared, and was not long under discussion when Dick called for + the “champagne.” + </p> + <p> + Andy began to drag the tub towards the table, and Dick, impatient of + delay, again called “champagne.” + </p> + <p> + “I'm bringin' it to you, sir,” said Andy, tugging at the tub. + </p> + <p> + “Hand it round the table,” said Dick. + </p> + <p> + Andy tried to lift the tub, “to hand it round the table;” but, finding he + could not manage it, he whispered to Dick, “I can't get it up, sir.” + </p> + <p> + Dick, fancying Andy meant he had got a flask not in a sufficient state of + effervescence to expel its own cork, whispered in return, “Draw it, then.” + </p> + <p> + “I was dhrawin' it to you, sir, when you stopped me.” + </p> + <p> + “Well, make haste with it,” said Dick. + </p> + <p> + “Mister Dawson, I'll trouble you for a small slice of the turkey,” said + the colonel. + </p> + <p> + “With pleasure, colonel; but first do me the honour to take champagne. + Andy—champagne!” + </p> + <p> + “Here it is, sir!” said Andy, who had drawn the tub close to Dick's chair. + </p> + <p> + “Where's the wine, sir?” said Dick, looking first at the tub and then at + Andy. “There, sir,” said Andy, pointing down to the ice. “I put the wine + into it, as you towld me.” + </p> + <p> + Dick looked again at the tub, and said, “There is not a single bottle + there—what do you mean, you stupid rascal?” + </p> + <p> + “To be sure, there's no bottle there, sir. The bottles is all on the + sideboord, but every dhrop o' the wine is in the ice, as you towld me, + sir; if you put your hand down into it, you'll feel it, sir.” + </p> + <p> + The conversation between master and man growing louder as it proceeded + attracted the attention of the whole company, and those near the head of + the table became acquainted as soon as Dick with the mistake Andy had + made, and could not resist laughter; and as the cause of their merriment + was told from man to man, and passed round the board, a roar of laughter + uprose, not a little increased by Dick's look of vexation, which at length + was forced to yield to the infectious merriment around him, and he laughed + with the rest, and making a joke of the disappointment, which is the very + best way of passing one off, he said that he had the honour of originating + at his table a magnificent scale of hospitality; for though he had heard + of company being entertained with a whole hogshead of claret, he was not + aware of champagne being ever served in a tub before. The company were too + determined to be merry to have their pleasantry put out of tune by so + trifling a mishap, and it was generally voted that the joke was worth + twice as much as the wine. Nevertheless, Dick could not help casting a + reproachful look now and then at Andy, who had to run the gauntlet of many + a joke cut at his expense, while he waited upon the wags at dinner, and + caught a lowly muttered anathema whenever he passed near Dick's chair. In + short, master and man were both glad when the cloth was drawn, and the + party could be left to themselves. + </p> + <p> + Then, as a matter of course, Dick called on the gentlemen to charge their + glasses and fill high to a toast he had to propose—they would + anticipate to whom he referred—a gentleman who was going to change + his state of freedom for one of a happier bondage, &c., &c. Dick + dashed off his speech with several mirth-moving allusions to the change + that was coming over his friend Tom, and, having festooned his composition + with the proper quantity of “rosy wreaths,” &c., &c., &c., + naturally belonging to such speeches, he wound up with some hearty words—free + from <i>badinage</i>, and meaning all they conveyed, and finished with the + rhyming benediction of a “long life and a good wife” to him. + </p> + <p> + Tom having returned thanks in the same laughing style that Dick proposed + his health, and bade farewell to the lighter follies of bachelorship for + the more serious ones of wedlock, the road was now open for any one who + was vocally inclined. Dick asked one or two, who said they were not within + a bottle of their singing-point yet, but Tom Durfy was sure his friend the + colonel would favour them. + </p> + <p> + “With pleasure,” said the colonel; “and I'll sing something appropriate to + the blissful situation of philandering in which you have been indulging of + late, my friend. I wish I could give you any idea of the song as I heard + it warbled by the voice of an Indian princess, who was attached to me + once, and for whom I ran enormous risks—but no matter—that's + past and gone, but the soft tones of Zulima's voice will ever haunt my + heart! The song is a favourite where I heard it—on the borders of + Cashmere, and is supposed to be sung by a fond woman in the valley of the + nightingales—'tis so in the original, but as we have no nightingales + in Ireland, I have substituted the dove in the little translation I have + made, which, if you will allow me, I'll attempt.” + </p> + <p> + Loud cries of “Hear, hear!” and tapping of applauding hands on the table + followed, while the colonel gave a few preliminary hems; and after some + little pilot tones from his throat, to show the way, his voice ascended in + all the glory of song. + </p> + <h3> + THE DOVE-SONG + </h3> + <h3> + I + </h3> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + “<i>Coo! Coo! Coo! Coo!</i> + Thus did I hear the turtle-dove, + <i>Coo! Coo! Coo!</i> + Murmuring forth her love; + And as she flew from tree to tree, + How melting seemed the notes to me— + <i>Coo! Coo! Coo!</i> + So like the voice of lovers, + 'T was passing sweet to hear + The birds within the covers, + In the spring-time of the year. +</pre> + <h3> + II + </h3> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + “<i>Coo! Coo! Coo! Coo!</i> + Thus the song's returned again— + <i>Coo! Coo! Coo!</i> + Through the shady glen; + But there I wandered lone and sad, + While every bird around was glad. + <i>Coo! Coo! Coo!</i> + Thus so fondly murmured they, + <i>Coo! Coo! Coo!</i> + While <i>my</i> love was away. + And yet the song to lovers, + Though sad, is sweet to hear, + From birds within the covers, + In the spring-time of the year.” + </pre> + <p> + The colonel's song, given with Tom Loftus' good voice, was received with + great applause, and the fellows all voted it catching, and began “cooing” + round the table like a parcel of pigeons. + </p> + <p> + “A translation from an eastern poet, you say?” + </p> + <p> + “Yes,” said Tom. + </p> + <p> + “'T is not very eastern in its character,” said Moriarty. “I mean a <i>free</i> + translation, of course,” added the mock colonel. + </p> + <p> + “Would you favour us with the song again, in the original?” added + Moriarty. + </p> + <p> + Tom Loftus did not know one syllable of any other language than his own, + and it would not have been convenient to talk gibberish to Moriarty, who + had a smattering of some of the eastern tongues; so he declined giving his + Cashmerian song in its native purity, because, as he said, he never could + manage to speak their dialect, though he understood it reasonably well. + </p> + <p> + “But <i>there's</i> a gentleman, I am sure, will sing some other song—and + a better one, I have no doubt,” said Tom, with a very humble prostration + of his head on the table, and anxious by a fresh song to get out of the + dilemma in which Moriarty's question was near placing him. + </p> + <p> + “Not a better, colonel,” said the gentleman who was addressed, “but I + cannot refuse your call, and I will do my best; hand me the port wine, + pray; I always take a glass of port before I sing—I think 't is good + for the throat—what do you say, colonel?” + </p> + <p> + “When I want to sing particularly well,” said Tom, “I drink <i>canary</i>.” + </p> + <p> + The gentleman smiled at the whimsical answer, tossed off his glass of + port, and began. + </p> + <h3> + LADY MINE + </h3> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + “Lady mine! lady mine! + Take the rosy wreath I twine, + All its sweets are less than thine, + Lady, lady mine! + The blush that on thy cheek is found + Bloometh fresh the <i>whole</i> year round; + <i>Thy</i> sweet <i>breath</i> as sweet gives <i>sound</i>, + Lady, lady mine! +</pre> + <h3> + II + </h3> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + “Lady mine! lady mine! + How I love the graceful vine, + Whose tendrils mock thy ringlets' twine, + Lady, lady mine! + How I love that generous tree, + Whose ripe clusters promise me + Bumpers bright,—to pledge to <i>thee</i>, + Lady, lady mine! +</pre> + <h3> + III + </h3> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + “Lady mine! lady mine! + Like the stars that nightly shine, + Thy sweet eyes shed light divine, + Lady, lady mine! + And as sages wise, of old, + From the stars could fate unfold, + Thy bright eyes <i>my</i> fortune told, + Lady, lady mine!” + </pre> + <p> + The song was just in the style to catch gentlemen after dinner—the + second verse particularly, and many a glass was emptied of a “bumper + bright,” and pledged to the particular “<i>thee</i>,” which each + individual had selected for his devotion. Edward, at that moment, + certainly thought of Fanny Dawson. + </p> + <p> + Let teetotallers say what they please, there is a genial influence + inspired by wine and song—not in excess, but in that wholesome + degree which stirs the blood and warms the fancy; and as one raises the + glass to the lip, over which some sweet name is just breathed from the + depth of the heart, what libation so fit to pour to absent friends as + wine? What <i>is</i> wine? It is the grape present in another form; its + essence is there, though the fruit which produced it grew thousands of + miles away, and perished years ago. So the object of many a tender thought + may be spiritually present, in defiance of space—and fond + recollections cherished in defiance of time. + </p> + <p> + As the party became more convivial, the mirth began to assume a broader + form. Tom Durfy drew out Moriarty on the subject of his services, that the + mock colonel might throw every new achievement into the shade; and this he + did in the most barefaced manner, but mixing so much of probability with + his audacious fiction, that those who were not up to the joke only + supposed him to be <i>a very great romancer</i>; while those friends who + were in Loftus' confidence exhibited a most capacious stomach for the + marvellous, and backed up his lies with a ready credence. If Moriarty told + some fearful incident of a tiger hunt, the colonel capped it with + something more wonderful, of slaughtering lions in a wholesale way, like + rabbits. When Moriarty expatiated on the intensity of tropical heat, the + colonel would upset him with something more appalling. + </p> + <p> + “Now, sir,” said Loftus, “let me ask you what is the greatest amount of + heat you have ever experienced—I say <i>experienced</i>, not <i>heard</i> + of—for that goes for nothing. I always speak from experience.” + </p> + <p> + “Well, sir,” said Moriarty, “I have known it to be so hot in India, that I + have had a hole dug in the ground under my tent, and sat in it, and put a + table standing over the hole, to try and guard me from the intolerable + fervour of the eastern sun, and even <i>then</i> I was hot. What do you + say to that, colonel?” asked Moriarty, triumphantly. + </p> + <p> + “Have you ever been in the West Indies?” inquired Loftus. + </p> + <p> + “Never,” said Moriarty, who, once entrapped into this admission, was + directly at the colonel's mercy,—and the colonel launched out + fearlessly. + </p> + <p> + “Then, my good sir, you know nothing of heat. I have seen in the West + Indies an umbrella burned over a man's head.” + </p> + <p> + “Wonderful!” cried Loftus' backers. + </p> + <p> + “'T is strange, sir,” said Moriarty, “that we have never seen that + mentioned by any writer.” + </p> + <p> + “Easily accounted for, sir,” said Loftus. “'T is so common a circumstance, + that it ceases to be worthy of observation. An author writing of this + country might as well remark that the apple-women are to be seen sitting + at the corners of the streets. That's nothing, sir; but there are two + things of which I have personal knowledge, <i>rather</i> remarkable. One + day of intense heat (even for that climate) I was on a visit at the + plantation of a friend of mine, and it was so out-o'-the-way scorching, + that our lips were like cinders, and we were obliged to have black slaves + pouring sangaree down our throats by gallons—I don't hesitate to say + gallons—and we thought we could not have survived through the day; + but what could <i>we</i> think of <i>our</i> sufferings, when we heard + that several negroes, who had gone to sleep under the shade of some + cocoa-nut trees, had been scalded to death?” + </p> + <p> + “Scalded?” said his friends; “burnt, you mean.” + </p> + <p> + “No, scalded; and <i>how</i> do you think? The intensity of the heat had + cracked the cocoa-nuts, and the boiling milk inside dropped down and + produced the fatal result. The same day a remarkable accident occurred at + the battery; the French were hovering round the island at the time, and + the governor, being a timid man, ordered the guns to be always kept + loaded.” + </p> + <p> + “I never heard of such a thing in a battery in my life, sir,” said + Moriarty. + </p> + <p> + “Nor I either,” said Loftus, “till then.” + </p> + <p> + “What was the governor's name, sir?” inquired Moriarty, pursuing his train + of doubt. + </p> + <p> + “You must excuse me, captain, from naming him,” said Loftus, with + readiness, “after <i>incautiously</i> saying he was <i>timid</i>.” + </p> + <p> + “Hear, hear!” said all the friends. + </p> + <p> + “But to pursue my story, sir:—the guns were loaded, and with the + intensity of the heat went off, one after another, and quite riddled one + of his Majesty's frigates that was lying in the harbour.” + </p> + <p> + “That's one of the most difficult riddles to comprehend I ever heard,” + said Moriarty. + </p> + <p> + “The frigate answered the riddle with her guns, sir, I promise you.” + </p> + <p> + “What!” exclaimed Moriarty, “fire on the fort of her own king?” + </p> + <p> + “There is an honest principle exists among sailors, sir, to return fire + under all circumstances, wherever it comes from, friend or foe. Fire, of + which they know the value so well, they won't take from anybody.” + </p> + <p> + “And what was the consequence?” said Moriarty. + </p> + <p> + “Sir, it was the most harmless broadside ever delivered from the ports of + a British frigate; not a single house or human being was injured—the + day was so hot that every sentinel had sunk on the ground in utter + exhaustion—the whole population were asleep; the only loss of life + which occurred was that of a blue macaw, which belonged to the + commandant's daughter.” + </p> + <p> + “Where was the macaw, may I beg to know?” said Moriarty, cross-questioning + the colonel in the spirit of a counsel for the defence on a capital + indictment. + </p> + <p> + “In the drawing-room window, sir.” + </p> + <p> + “Then surely the ball must have done some damage in the house?” + </p> + <p> + “Not the least, sir,” said Loftus, sipping his wine. + </p> + <p> + “Surely, colonel!” returned Moriarty, warming, “the ball could not have + killed the macaw without injuring the house?” + </p> + <p> + “My dear sir,” said Tom, “I did not say the <i>ball</i> killed the macaw, + I said the macaw was killed; but <i>that</i> was in consequence of a + splinter from an <i>epaulement</i> of the south-east angle of the fort + which the shot struck and glanced off harmlessly—except for the + casualty of the macaw.” + </p> + <p> + Moriarty returned a kind of grunt, which implied that, though he could not + further <i>question</i>, he did not <i>believe</i>. Under such + circumstances, taking snuff is a great relief to a man; and, as it + happened, Moriarty, in taking snuff, could gratify his nose and his vanity + at the same time, for he sported a silver-gilt snuff-box which was + presented to him in some extraordinary way, and bore a grand inscription. + </p> + <p> + On this “piece of plate” being produced, of course it went round the + table, and Moriarty could scarcely conceal the satisfaction he felt as + each person read the engraven testimonial of his worth. When it had gone + the circuit of the board, Tom Loftus put his hand into his pocket and + pulled out the butt-end of a rifle, which is always furnished with a small + box, cut out of the solid part of the wood and covered with a plate of + brass acting on a hinge. This box, intended to carry small implements for + the use of the rifleman, to keep his piece in order, was filled with + snuff, and Tom said, as he laid it down on the table, “This is <i>my</i> + snuff-box, gentlemen; not as handsome as my gallant friend's at the + opposite side of the table, but extremely interesting to me. It was + previous to one of our dashing affairs in Spain that our riflemen were + thrown out in front and on the flanks. The rifles were supported by the + light companies of the regiments in advance, and it was in the latter duty + I was engaged. We had to feel our way through a wood, and had cleared it + of the enemy, when, as we debouched from the wood on the opposite side, we + were charged by an overwhelming force of Polish lancers and cuirassiers. + Retreat was impossible—resistance almost hopeless. 'My lads,' said + I, 'we must do something <i>novel</i> here, or we are lost—startle + them by fresh practice—the bayonet will no longer avail you—club + your muskets, and hit the horses over the noses, and they'll smell + danger.' They took my advice; of course we first delivered a withering + volley, and then to it we went in flail-fashion, thrashing away with the + butt-ends of our muskets; and sure enough the French were astonished and + driven back in amazement. So tremendous, sir, was the hitting on our side, + that in many instances the butt-ends of the muskets snapped off like + tobacco-pipes, and the field was quite strewn with them after the affair: + I picked one of them up as a little memento of the day, and have used it + ever since as a snuff-box.” + </p> + <p> + Every one was amused by the outrageous romancing of the colonel but + Moriarty, who looked rather disgusted, because he could not edge in a word + of his own at all; he gave up the thing now in despair, for the colonel + had it all his own way, like the bull in a china-shop; the more startling + the bouncers he told, the more successful were his anecdotes, and he kept + pouring them out with the most astounding rapidity; and though all voted + him the greatest liar they ever met, none suspected he was not a military + man. + </p> + <p> + Dick wanted Edward O'Connor, who sat beside him, to sing; but Edward + whispered, “For Heaven's sake don't stop the flow of the lava from that + mighty eruption of lies!—he's a perfect Vesuvius of mendacity. + You'll never meet his like again, so make the most of him while you have + him. Pray, sir,” said Edward to the colonel, “have you ever been in any of + the cold climates? I am induced to ask you, from the very wonderful + anecdotes you have told of the hot ones.” + </p> + <p> + “Bless you, sir, I know every corner about the north pole.” + </p> + <p> + “In which of the expeditions, may I ask, were you engaged?” inquired + Moriarty. + </p> + <p> + “In none of them, sir. We knocked up a <i>little amateur party</i>, I and + a few curious friends, and certainly we witnessed wonders. You talk here + of a sharp wind; but the wind is so sharp there that it cut off our beard + and whiskers. Boreas is a great barber, sir, with his north pole for a + sign. Then as for frost!—I could tell you such incredible things of + its intensity; our butter, for instance, was as hard as a rock; we were + obliged to knock it off with a chisel and hammer, like a mason at a piece + of granite, and it was necessary to be careful of your eyes at breakfast, + the splinters used to fly about so; indeed, one of the party <i>did</i> + lose the use of his eye from a butter-splinter. But the oddest thing of + all was to watch two men talking to each other: you could observe the + words, as they came out of their mouths, suddenly frozen and dropping down + in little pellets of ice at their feet, so that, after a long + conversation, you might see a man standing up to his knees in his own + eloquence.” + </p> + <p> + They all roared with laughter at this last touch of the marvellous, but + Loftus preserved his gravity. + </p> + <p> + “I don't wonder, gentlemen, at your not receiving that as truth—I + told you it was incredible—in short, that is the reason I have + resisted all temptations to publish. Murray, Longmans, Colburn, Bentley, + ALL the publishers have offered me unlimited terms, but I have always + refused—not that I am a rich man, which makes the temptation of the + thousands I might realise the harder to withstand; 't is not that the gold + is not precious to me, but there is something dearer to me than gold—<i>it + is my character for veracity!</i> and therefore, as I am convinced the + public would not believe the wonders I have witnessed, I confine the + recital of my adventures to the social circle. But what profession affords + such scope for varied incident as that of the soldier? Change of clime, + danger, vicissitude, love, war, privation one day, profusion the next, + darkling dangers, and sparkling joys! Zounds! there's nothing like the + life of a soldier! and, by the powers! I'll give you a song in its + praise.” + </p> + <p> + The proposition was received with cheers, and Tom rattled away these + ringing rhymes— + </p> + <h3> + THE BOWLD SOJER BOY + </h3> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + “Oh there's not a trade that's going + Worth showing, + Or knowing, + Like that from glory growing, + For a bowld sojer boy; + Where right or left we go, + Sure you know, + Friend or foe + Will have the hand or toe + From a bowld sojer boy! + There's not a town we march thro', + But the ladies, looking arch thro' + The window-panes, will search thro' + The ranks to find their joy; + While up the street, + Each girl you meet, + Will look so sly, + Will cry + 'My eye! + Oh, isn't he a darling, the bowld sojer boy!' +</pre> + <h3> + II + </h3> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + “But when we get the route, + How they pout + And they shout + While to the right about + Goes the bowld sojer boy. + Oh, 'tis then that ladies fair + In despair + Tear their hair, + But 'the divil-a-one I care,' + Says the bowld sojer boy. + For the world is all before us, + Where the landladies adore us, + And ne'er refuse to score us, + But chalk us up with joy; + We taste her tap, + We tear her cap'— + 'Oh, that's the chap + For me!' + Says she; + 'Oh, isn't he a darling, the bowld sojer boy.' +</pre> + <h3> + III + </h3> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + “'Then come along with me, + Gramachree, + And you'll see + How happy you will be + With your bowld sojer boy; + 'Faith! if you're up to fun, + With me run; + 'T will be done + In the snapping of a gun,' + Says the bowld sojer boy; + 'And 't is then that, without scandal, + Myself will proudly dandle + The little farthing candle + Of our mutual flame, my joy! + May his light shine + As bright as mine, + Till in the line + He'll blaze, + And raise + The glory of his corps, like a bowld sojer boy!'” + </pre> + <p> + Andy entered the room while the song was in progress, and handed a letter + to Dick, which, after the song was over, and he had asked pardon of his + guests, he opened. + </p> + <p> + “By Jove! you sing right well, colonel,” said one of the party. + </p> + <p> + “I think the gallant colonel's songs nothing in comparison with his <i>wonderful</i> + stories,” said Moriarty. + </p> + <p> + “Gentlemen,” said Dick, “wonderful as the colonel's recitals have been, + this letter conveys a piece of information more surprising than anything + we have heard this day. That stupid fellow who spoiled our champagne has + come in for the inheritance of a large property.” + </p> + <p> + “What!—Handy Andy?” exclaimed those who knew his name. + </p> + <p> + “Handy Andy,” said Dick, “is now a man of fortune!” + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0027" id="link2HCH0027"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XLVIII + </h2> + <p> + It was a note from Squire Egan which conveyed the news to Dick that caused + so much surprise; the details of the case were not even hinted at; the + bare fact alone was mentioned, with a caution to preserve it still a + secret from Andy, and appointing an hour for dinner at “Morrison's” next + day, at which hotel the Squire expected to arrive from the country, with + his lady and Fanny Dawson, <i>en route</i> for London. Till dinner-time, + then, the day following, Dick was obliged to lay by his impatience as to + the “why and wherefore” of Andy's sudden advancement; but, as the morning + was to be occupied with Tom Durfy's wedding, Dick had enough to keep him + engaged in the meantime. + </p> + <p> + At the appointed hour a few of Tom's particular friends were in attendance + to witness the ceremony, or, to use their own phrase, “to see him turned + off,” and among them was Tom Loftus. Dick was holding out his hand to “the + colonel,” when Tom Durfy stepped between, and introduced him under his + real name. The masquerading trick of the night before was laughed at, with + an assurance from Dick that it only fulfilled all he had ever heard of the + Protean powers of a gentleman whom he so much wished to know. A few + minutes' conversation in the recess of a window put Tom Loftus and Dick + the Devil on perfectly good terms, and Loftus proposed to Dick that they + should execute the old-established trick on a bridegroom, of snatching the + first kiss from the bride. + </p> + <p> + “You must get in Tom's way,” said Loftus, “and I'll kiss her.” + </p> + <p> + “Why, the fact is,” said Dick, “I had proposed that pleasure to myself; + and, if it's all the same to you, <i>you</i> can jostle Tom, and <i>I'll</i> + do the remainder in good style, I promise you.” + </p> + <p> + “That I can't agree to,” said Loftus; “but as it appears we both have set + our heart on cheating the bridegroom, let us both start fair, and 't is + odd if between us Tom Durfy is not <i>done</i>” + </p> + <p> + This was agreed upon, and many minutes did not elapse till the bride made + her appearance, and “hostilities were about to commence.” The mutual enemy + of the “high contracting parties” first opened his book, and then his + mouth, and in such solemn tones, that it was enough to frighten <i>even</i> + a widow, much less a bachelor. As the ceremony verged to a conclusion, Tom + Loftus and Dick the Devil edged up towards their 'vantage-ground on either + side of the blooming widow, now nearly finished into a wife, and stood + like greyhounds in the slip, ready to start after puss (only puss ought to + be spelt here with a B). The widow, having been married before, was less + nervous than Durfy, and, suspecting the intended game, determined to foil + both the brigands, who intended to rob the bridegroom of his right; so, + when the last word of the ceremony was spoken, and Loftus and Dick made a + simultaneous dart upon her, she very adroitly ducked, and allowed the two + “ruggers and rievers” to rush into each other's arms, and rub their noses + together, while Tom Durfy and his blooming bride sealed their contract + very agreeably without their noses getting in each other's way. + </p> + <p> + Loftus and Dick had only a laugh at <i>their own</i> expense, instead of a + kiss at <i>Tom's</i>, upon the failure of their plot; but Loftus, in a + whisper to Dick, vowed he would execute a trick upon the “pair of them” + before the day was over. + </p> + <p> + There was a breakfast as usual, and chicken and tongue and wine, which, + taken in the morning, are provocative of eloquence; and, of course, the + proper quantity of healths and toasts were executed <i>selon la règlei,</i> + it was time for the bride and bridegroom to bow and blush and curtsey out + of the room, and make themselves food for a paragraph in the morning + papers, under the title of the “happy pair,” who set off in a handsome + chariot, &c., &c. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <p> + Tom Durfy had engaged a pretty cottage in the neighbourhood of Clontarf to + pass the honeymoon. Tom Loftus knew this, and knew, moreover, that the + sitting-room looked out on a small lawn which lay before the house, + screened by a hedge from the road, but with a circular sweep leading up to + the house, and a gate of ingress and egress at either end of the hedge. In + this sitting-room Tom, after lunch, was pressing his lady fair to take a + glass of champagne, when the entrance-gate was thrown open, and a hackney + jaunting-car with Tom Loftus and a friend or two upon it, driven by a + special ragamuffin blowing a tin horn, rolled up the skimping avenue, and + as it scoured past the windows of the sitting-room, Tom Loftus and the + other passengers kissed hands to the astonished bride and bridegroom, and + shouted, “Wish you joy!” + </p> + <p> + The thing was so sudden that Durfy and the widow, not seeing Loftus, could + hardly comprehend what it meant, and both ran to the window; but just as + they reached it, up drove another car, freighted with two or three more + wild rascals who followed the lead which had been given them; and as a + long train of cars were seen in the distance all driving up to the avenue, + the widow, with a timid little scream, threw her handkerchief over her + face and ran into a corner. Tom did not know whether to laugh or be angry, + but, being a good-humoured fellow, he satisfied himself with a few oaths + against the incorrigible Loftus, and when the <i>cortège</i> had passed, + endeavoured to restore the startled fair one to her serenity. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <p> + Squire Egan and party arrived at the appointed hour at their hotel, where + Dick was waiting to receive them, and, of course, his inquiries were + immediately directed to the extraordinary circumstance of Andy's + elevation, the details of which he desired to know. These we shall not + give in the expanded form in which Dick heard them, but endeavour to + condense, as much as possible, within the limits to which we are + prescribed. + </p> + <p> + The title of Scatterbrain had never been inherited directly from father to + son; it had descended in a zigzag fashion, most appropriate to the name, + nephews and cousins having come in for the coronet and the property for + some generations. The late lord had led a <i>roué</i> bachelor life up to + the age of sixty, and then thought it not worth while to marry, though + many mammas and daughters spread their nets and arrayed their charms to + entrap the sexagenarian. + </p> + <p> + The truth was, he had quaffed the cup of licentious pleasure all his life, + after which he thought matrimony would prove insipid. The mere novelty + induces some men, under similar circumstances, to try the holy estate; but + matrimony could not offer to Lord Scatterbrain the charms of novelty, for + <i>he had been</i> once married, though no one but himself was cognisant + of the fact. + </p> + <p> + The reader will certainly say, “Here's an Irish bull; how could a man be + married, without, at least, a woman and a priest being joint possessors of + the secret?” + </p> + <p> + Listen, gentle reader, and you shall hear how none but Lord Scatterbrain + knew Lord Scatterbrain was married. + </p> + <p> + There was nothing at which he ever stopped for the gratification of his + passions—no wealth he would not squander, no deceit he would not + practise, no disguise he would not assume. Therefore, gold, and falsehood, + and masquerading were extensively employed by this reckless <i>roué</i> in + the service of Venus, in which service, combined with that of Bacchus, his + life was entirely passed. + </p> + <p> + Often he assumed the guise of a man in humble life, to approximate some + object of his desire, whom fine clothes and bribery would have instantly + warned and in too many cases his artifices were successful. It was in one + of these adventures he cast his eyes upon the woman hitherto known in this + story under the name of the Widow Rooney; but all his practices against + her virtue were unavailing, and nothing but a marriage could accomplish + what he had set his fancy upon but even <i>this</i> would not stop him, <i>for + he married her</i>. + </p> + <p> + The Widow Rooney has appeared no very inviting personage through these + pages, and the reader may wonder that a man of rank could proceed to such + desperate lengths upon such slight temptation; but, gentle reader, she was + young and attractive when she was married—never to say <i>handsome</i>, + but good-looking decidedly, and with that sort of figure which is + comprehended in the phrase “a fine girl.” + </p> + <p> + And has that fine girl altered into the Widow Rooney? Ah! poverty and + hardship are sore trials to the body as well as to the mind. Too little is + it considered, while we gaze on aristocratic beauty, how much good food, + soft lying, warm wrapping, ease of mind, have to do with the attractions + which command our admiration. Many a hand moulded by nature to give + elegance of form to a kid glove, is “stinted of its fair proportion” by + grubbing toil. The foot which might have excited the admiration of a + ball-room, peeping under a flounce of lace in a satin shoe, and treading + the mazy dance, <i>will</i> grow coarse and broad by tramping in its + native state over toilsome miles, bearing perchance to a market town some + few eggs, whose whole produce would not purchase the sandal-tie of my + lady's slipper; will grow red and rough by standing in wet trenches, and + feeling the winter's frost. The neck on which diamonds might have worthily + sparkled, will look less tempting when the biting winter has hung icicles + there for gems. Cheeks formed as fresh for dimpling blushes, eyes as well + to sparkle, and lips to smile, as those which shed their brightness and + their witchery in the tapestried saloon, will grow pale with want, and + forget their dimples, when smiles are not there to wake them; lips become + compressed and drawn with anxious thought, and eyes the brightest are + quenched of their fires by many tears. + </p> + <p> + Of all these trials poor Widow Rooney had enough. Her husband, after + living with her a month, in the character of a steward to some great man + in a distant part of the country, left her one day for the purpose of + transacting business at a fair, which, he said, would require his absence + for some time. At the end of a week, a letter was sent to her, stating + that the make-believe steward had robbed his master extensively, and had + fled to America, whence he promised to write to her, and send her means to + follow him, requesting, in the meantime, her silence, in case any inquiry + should be made about him. This villanous trick was played off the more + readily, from the fact that a steward had absconded at the time, and the + difference in the name the cruel profligate accounted for by saying that, + as he was hiding at the moment he married her, he had assumed another + name. + </p> + <p> + The poor deserted girl, fully believing this trumped-up tale, obeyed with + unflinching fidelity the injunctions of her betrayer; and while reports + were flying abroad of the absconded steward, she never breathed a word of, + what had been confided to her, and accounted for the absence of “Rooney” + in various ways of her own; so that all trace of the profligate was lost, + by her remaining inactive in making the smallest inquiry about him, and + her very fidelity to her betrayer became the means of her losing all power + of procuring his discovery. For months she trusted all was right; but when + moon followed moon, and she gave birth to a boy without hearing one word + of his father, misgiving came upon her, and the only consolation left her + was, that, though she was deserted, and a child left on her hands, still + she was <i>an honest woman</i>. That child was the hero of our tale. The + neighbours passed some ill-natured remarks about her, when it began to be + suspected that her husband would never let her know more about him; for + she had been rather a saucy lady, holding up her nose at poor men, and + triumphing in her catching of the “steward,” a man well to do in the + world; and it may be remembered, that this same spirit existed in her when + Andy's rumoured marriage with Matty gave the prospect of her affairs being + retrieved, for she displayed her love of pre-eminence to the very first + person who gave her the good news. The ill-nature of her neighbours, + however, after the birth of her child and the desertion of her husband, + inducing her to leave the scene of her unmerited wrongs and annoyances, + she suddenly decamped, and, removing to another part of Ireland, the poor + woman began a life of hardship, to support herself and rear the offspring + of her unfortunate marriage. In this task she was worthily assisted by one + of her brothers, who pitied her condition, and joined her in her retreat. + He married in course of time, and his wife died in giving birth to Oonah, + who was soon deprived of her other parent by typhus fever, that terrible + scourge of the poor; so that the praiseworthy desire of the brother to + befriend his sister only involved her, as it happened, in the deeper + difficulty of supporting two children instead of one. This she did + heroically, and the orphan girl rewarded her, by proving a greater comfort + than her own child; for Andy had inherited in all its raciness the blood + of the Scatterbrains, and his deeds, as recorded in this history, prove he + was no unworthy representative of that illustrious title. To return to his + father—who had done the grievous wrong to the poor peasant girl: he + lived his life of profligacy through, and in a foreign country died at + last; but on his death-bed the scourge of conscience rendered every + helpless hour an age of woe. Bitterest of all was the thought of the wife + deceived, deserted, and unacknowledged. To face his last account with such + fearful crime upon his head he dared not, and made all the reparation now + in his power, by avowing his marriage in his last will and testament, and + giving all the information in his power to trace his wife, if living, or + his heir, if such existed. He enjoined, by the most sacred injunctions + upon him to whom the charge was committed, that neither cost nor trouble + should be spared in the search, leaving a large sum in ready money + besides, to establish the right, in case his nephew disputed the will. By + his own order, his death was kept secret, and secretly his agent set to + work to discover any trace of the heir. This, in consequence of the woman + changing her place of abode, became more difficult and it was not until + after very minute inquiry that some trace was picked up, and a letter + written to the parish priest of the district to which she had removed, + making certain general inquiries. It was found, on comparing dates some + time after, that it was this very letter to Father Blake which Andy had + purloined from the post-office, and the Squire had thrown into the fire; + so that our hero was very near, by his blundering, destroying his own + fortune. Luckily for him, however, an untiring and intelligent agent was + engaged in his cause, and a subsequent inquiry, and finally a personal + visit to Father Blake, cleared the matter up satisfactorily, and the widow + was enabled to produce such proof of her identity, and that of her son, + that Handy Andy was indisputably Lord Scatterbrain; and the whole affair + was managed so secretly, that the death of the late lord, and the claim of + title and estates in the name of the rightful heir, were announced at the + same moment; and the “Honourable Sackville,” instead of coming into + possession of the peerage and property, and fighting his adversary at the + great advantage of possession, could only commence a suit to drive him + out, if he sued at all. + </p> + <p> + Our limits compel us to this brief sketch of the circumstances through + which Handy Andy was entitled to and became possessed of a property and a + title, and we must now say something of the effects produced by the + intelligence on the parties most concerned. + </p> + <p> + The Honourable Sackville Scatterbrain, on the advice of high legal + authority, did not attempt to dispute a succession of which such + satisfactory proofs existed, and, fortunately for himself, had knocked up + a watering-place match, while he was yet in the bloom of heirship <i>presumptive</i> + to a peerage, with the daughter of an English <i>millionaire</i>. + </p> + <p> + When the Widow Rooney heard the extraordinary turn affairs had taken, her + emotions, after the first few hours of pleasurable surprise, partook of + regret rather than satisfaction. She looked upon her past life of + suffering, and felt as if Fate had cheated her. She, a peeress, had passed + her life in poverty and suffering, with contempt from those over whom she + had superior rights; and the few years of the prosperous future before her + offered her poor compensation for the pinching past. But after such + selfish considerations, the maternal feeling came to her relief, and she + rejoiced that <i>her son</i> was a lord. But then came the terrible + thought of his marriage to dash her joy and triumph. + </p> + <p> + This was a source of grief to Oonah as well. “If he wasn't married,” she + would say to herself, “I might be <i>Lady</i> Scatterbrain;” and the tears + would burst through poor Oonah's fingers as she held them up to her eyes + and sobbed heavily, till the poor girl would try to gather consolation + from the thought that, maybe, Andy's altered circumstances would make <i>her</i> + disregarded. “There would be plenty to have him now,” thought she, “and he + wouldn't think of me, maybe—so 't is well as it is.” + </p> + <p> + When Andy heard that he was a lord—a real lord—and, after the + first shock of astonishment, could comprehend that wealth and power were + in his possession, he, though the most interested person, never thought, + as the two women had done, of the desperate strait in which his marriage + placed him, but broke out into short peals of laughter, and exclaimed in + the intervals, “that it was mighty quare;” and when, after much + questioning, any intelligible desire he had could be understood, the first + one he clearly expressed was <i>“to have a goold watch.”</i> + </p> + <p> + He was made, however, to understand that other things than “goold watches” + were of more importance; and the Squire, with his characteristic good + nature, endeavoured to open Andy's comprehension to the nature of his + altered situation. This, it may be supposed, was rather a complicated + piece of work, and too difficult to be set down in black and white; the + most intelligible portions to Andy were his immediate removal from + servitude, and a ready-made suit of gentlemanly apparel, which made Andy + pay several visits to the looking-glass. Good-natured as the Squire was, + it would have been equally awkward to him as to Andy for the newly fledged + lord, though a lord, to have a seat at his table, neither could he remain + in an inferior position in his house; so Dick, who loved fun, volunteered + to take Andy under his especial care to London, and let him share his + lodgings, as a bachelor may do many things which a man surrounded by his + family cannot. Besides, in a place distant from such extraordinary chances + and changes as those which befell our hero, the sudden and startling + difference of position of the parties not being known renders it possible + for a gentleman to do the good-natured thing which Dick undertook, without + compromising himself. In Dublin it would not have done for Dick Dawson to + allow the man who would have held his horse the day before, to share the + same board with him merely because Fortune had played one of her frolics + and made Andy a lord; but in London the case was different. + </p> + <p> + To London therefore they proceeded. The incidents of the journey, + sea-sickness included, which so astonished the new traveller, we pass + over, as well as the numberless mistakes in the great metropolis, which + afforded Dick plentiful amusement, though, in truth, Dick had better + objects in view than laughing at Andy's embarrassments in his new + position. He really wished to help him in the difficult path into which + the new lord had been thrust, and did this in a merry sort of way more + successfully than by serious drilling. It was hard to break Andy of the + habit of saying “Misther Dick,” when addressing him, but, at last, + “Misther Dawson” was established. Eating with his knife, drinking as + loudly as a horse, and other like accomplishments, were not so easily got + under, yet it was wonderful how much he improved, as his shyness grew + less, and his consciousness of being a lord grew stronger. + </p> + <p> + But, if the good nature of Dick had not prompted him to take Andy into + training, the newly discovered nobleman would not have long been in want + of society. It was wonderful how many persons were eager to show civility + to his lordship, and some amongst them even went so far as to discover + relationship. Plenty were soon ready to take Lord Scatterbrain here, and + escort him there, accompany him to exhibitions and other public places, + and charmed all the time with his lordship's remarks—“they were so + original”—“quite delightful to meet something so fresh”—“how + remarkably clever the Irish were!” Such were among the observations his + ignorant blunders produced; and he who, as Handy Andy, had been + anathematised all his life as a “stupid rascal,” “a blundering thief,” “a + thick-headed brute,” &c., under the title of Lord Scatterbrain all of + a sudden was voted “vastly amusing—a little eccentric, perhaps, but + <i>so</i> droll—in fact, so witty!” This was all very delightful for + Andy—so delightful that he quite forgot Bridget <i>rhua</i>. But + that lady did not leave him long in his happy obliviousness. One day, + while Dick was absent, and Andy rocking on a chair before the fire, + twirling the massive gold chain of his gold watch round his forefinger, + and uncoiling it again, his repose was suddenly disturbed by the + appearance of Bridget herself, accompanied by <i>Shan More</i> and a + shrimp of a man in rusty black, who turned out to be a shabby attorney who + advanced money to convey his lady client and her brother to London, for + the purpose of making a dash at the lord at once, and securing a handsome + sum by a <i>coup de main</i>. + </p> + <p> + Andy, though taken by surprise, was resolute. Bitter words were exchanged; + and as they seemed likely to lead to blows, Andy prudently laid hold of + the poker, and, in language not quite suited to a noble lord, swore he + would see what the inside of <i>Shan More's</i> head was made of, if he + attempted to advance upon him. Bridget screamed and scolded, while the + attorney endeavoured to keep the peace, and, beyond everything, urged Lord + Scatterbrain to enter at once into written engagements for a handsome + settlement upon his “lady.” + </p> + <p> + “Lady!” exclaimed Andy; “oh!—a pretty <i>lady</i> she is!” + </p> + <p> + “I'm as good a lady as you are a lord, anyhow,” cried Bridget. + </p> + <p> + “Altercation will do no good, my lord and my lady,” said the attorney; + “let me suggest the propriety of your writing an engagement at once;” and + the little man pushed pen, ink, and paper towards Andy. + </p> + <p> + “I can't, I tell you!” cried Andy. + </p> + <p> + “You must!” roared <i>Shan More</i>. + </p> + <p> + “Bad luck to you, how can I when I never larned?” + </p> + <p> + “Your lordship can make your mark,” said the attorney. + </p> + <p> + “'Faith I can—with a poker,” cried Andy; “and you'd better take + care, master parchment. Make my mark, indeed!—do you think I'd + disgrace the House o' Peers by lettin' on that a lord couldn't write?—Quit + the buildin', I tell you!” + </p> + <p> + In the midst of the row, which now rose to a tremendous pitch, Dick + returned; and after a severe reprimand to the pettifogger for his sinister + attempt on Andy, referred him to Lord Scatterbrain's solicitor. It was not + such an easy matter to silence Bridget, who extended her claws towards her + lord and master in a very menacing manner, calling down bitter + imprecations on her own head if she wouldn't have her rights. + </p> + <p> + Every now and then between the bursts of the storm Andy would exclaim, + “Get out!” + </p> + <p> + “My lord,” said Dick, “remember your dignity.” + </p> + <p> + “Av coorse!” said Andy; “but still she must get out!” + </p> + <p> + The house was at last cleared of the uproarious party; but though Andy got + rid of their presence, they left their sting behind. Lord Scatterbrain + felt, for the first time, that a lord can be very unhappy. + </p> + <p> + Dick hurried him away at once to the chambers of the law agent, but he, + being closeted on some very important business with another client on + their arrival, returned an answer to their application for a conference, + which they forwarded through the double doors of this sanctum by a + hard-looking man with a pen behind his ear, that he could not have the + pleasure of seeing them till the next morning. Lord Scatterbrain passed a + more unhappy night than he had ever done in his life—even than that + when he was tied up to the old tree—croaked at by ravens, and the + despised of rats. + </p> + <p> + Negotiations were opened the next day between the pettifogger on Bridget's + side and the law agent of the noble lord, and the arguments, <i>pro and + con.,</i> lay thus: + </p> + <p> + In the first place, the opening declaration was—Lord Scatterbrain + never would live with the aforesaid Bridget. + </p> + <p> + Answered—that nevertheless, as she was his lawful wife, a provision + suitable to her rank must be made. + </p> + <p> + They (the claimants) were asked to name a sum. + </p> + <p> + The sum was considered exorbitant; it being argued that when her husband + had determined never to live with her, he was in a far different + condition, therefore it was unfair to seek so large a separate maintenance + now. + </p> + <p> + The pettifogger threatened that Lady Scatterbrain would run in debt, which + Lord Scatterbrain must discharge. My Lord's agent suggested that my Lady + would be advertised in the public papers, and the public cautioned against + giving her credit. + </p> + <p> + A sum could not be agreed upon, though a fair one was offered on Andy's + part; for the greediness of the pettifogger, who was to have a share of + the plunder, made him hold out for more, and negotiations were broken off + for some days. + </p> + <p> + Poor Andy was in a wretched state of vexation. It was bad enough that he + was married to this abominable woman, without an additional plague of + being persecuted by her. To such an amount this rose at last, that she and + her big brother dodged him every time he left the house, so that in + self-defence he was obliged to become a close prisoner in his own + lodgings. All this at last became so intolerable to the captive, that he + urged a speedy settlement of the vexatious question, and a larger separate + maintenance was granted to the detestable woman than would otherwise have + been ceded, the only stipulation of a stringent nature made being, that + Lord Scatterbrain should be free from the persecutions of his hateful wife + for the future. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0028" id="link2HCH0028"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XLIX + </h2> + <p> + Squire Egan, with his lady and Fanny Dawson, had now arrived in London; + Murtough Murphy, too, had joined them, his services being requisite in + working the petition against the return of the sitting member for the + county. This had so much promise of success about it, that the opposite + party, who had the sheriff for the county in their interest, bethought of + a novel expedient to frustrate the petition when a reference to the poll + was required. + </p> + <p> + They declared the principal poll-book was lost. + </p> + <p> + This seemed not very satisfactory to one side of the committee, and the + question was asked, “how could it be lost?” The answer was one which Irish + contrivance alone could have invented: <i>“It fell into a pot of broth, + and the dog ate it.”</i> [Footnote: If not this identical answer, + something like it was given on a disputed Irish election, before a + Committee of the House of Commons.] + </p> + <p> + This protracted the contest for some time; but eventually, in spite of the + dog's devouring knowledge so greedily, the Squire was declared duly + elected and took the oaths and his seat for the county. + </p> + <p> + It was hard on Sackville Scatterbrain to lose his seat in the house and a + peerage, nearly at once; but the latter loss threw the former so far into + the shade, that he scarcely felt it. Besides, he could console himself + with having buttered his crumbs pretty well in the marriage-market; and, + with a rich wife, retired from senatorial drudgery to private repose, + which was much more congenial to his easy temper. + </p> + <p> + But while the Squire's happy family circle was rejoicing in his triumph—while + he was invited to the Speaker's dinners, and the ladies were looking + forward to tickets for “the lantern,” their pleasure was suddenly dashed + by fatal news from Ireland. + </p> + <p> + A serious accident had befallen Major Dawson—so serious, that his + life was despaired of; and an immediate return to Ireland by all who were + interested in his life was the consequence. + </p> + <p> + Though the suddenness of this painful event shocked his family, the act + which caused it did not surprise them; for it was one against which Major + Dawson had been repeatedly cautioned, involving a danger he had been + affectionately requested not to tempt; but the habitual obstinacy of his + nature prevailed, and he persisted in doing that which his son—and + his daughters—and friends—prophesied <i>would</i> kill him + some time or other, and <i>did</i>, at last. The Major had three little + iron guns, mounted on carriages, on a terrace in front of his house; and + it was his wont to fire a salute on certain festival days from these guns, + which, from age and exposure to the weather, became dangerous to use. It + was in vain that this danger was represented to him. He would reply, with + his accustomed “Pooh, pooh! I have been firing these guns for forty years, + and they won't do me any harm now.” + </p> + <p> + This was the prime fault of the Major's character. Time and circumstances + were never taken into account by him; what was done once, might be done <i>always</i>—<i>ought</i> + to be done always. The bare thought of change of any sort, to him, was + unbearable; and whether it was a rotten old law or a rotten old gun, he + would charge both up to the muzzle and fire away, regardless of + consequences. The result was, that on a certain festival his <i>favourite</i> + gun burst in discharging; and the last mortal act of which the Major was + conscious, was that of putting the port-fire to the touchhole, for a heavy + splinter of iron struck him on the head, and though he lived for some days + afterwards, he was insensible. Before his children arrived he was no more; + and the only duty left them to perform was the melancholy one of ordering + his funeral. + </p> + <p> + The obsequies of the old Major were honoured by a large and distinguished + attendance from all parts of the country; and amongst those who bore the + pall was Edward O'Connor, who had the melancholy gratification of + testifying his respect beside the grave of Fanny's father, though the + severe old man had banished him from his presence during his lifetime. + </p> + <p> + But now all obstacle to the union of Edward and Fanny was removed; and + after the lapse of a few days had softened the bitter grief which this + sudden bereavement of her father had produced, Edward received a note from + Dick, inviting him to the manor-house, where <i>all</i> would be glad to + see him. + </p> + <p> + In a few minutes after the receipt of that note Edward was in his saddle, + and swiftly leaving the miles behind him till, from the top of a rising + ground, the roof of the manor-house appeared above the trees in which it + was embosomed. He had not till then slackened his speed; but now drawing + rein, he proceeded at a slower pace towards the house he had not entered + for some years, and the sight of which awakened such varied emotions. + </p> + <p> + To return after long years of painful absence to some place which has been + the scene of our former joys, and whence the force of circumstance, and + not choice, has driven us, is oppressive to the heart. There is a mixed + sense of regret and rejoicing, which struggle for predominance; we rejoice + that our term of exile has expired, but we regret the years which that + exile has deducted from the brief amount of human life, never to be + recalled, and therefore as so much <i>lost</i> to us. We think of the + wrong or the caprice of which we have been the victims, and thoughts will + stray across the most confiding heart, if friends shall meet as fondly as + they parted; or if time, while impressing deeper marks upon the <i>outward</i> + form, may have obliterated some impressions <i>within</i>. Who has + returned after years of absence, however assured of the unflinching + fidelity of the love he left behind, without saying to himself, in the + pardonable yearning of affection, “Shall I meet smiles as bright as those + that used to welcome me? Shall I be pressed as fondly within the arms + whose encompassment were to me the pale of all earthly enjoyment?” + </p> + <p> + Such thoughts crowded on Edward as he approached the house. There was not + a lane, or tree, or hedge, by the way, that had not for him its + association. He reached the avenue gate; as he flung it open he remembered + the last time he passed it; Fanny had then leaned on his arm. He felt + himself so much excited, that, instead of riding up to the house, he took + the private path to the stables, and throwing down the reins to a boy, he + turned into a shrubbery and endeavoured to recover his self-command before + he should present himself. As he emerged from the sheltered path and + turned into a walk which led to the garden, a small conservatory was + opened to his view, awaking fresh sensations. It was in that very place he + had first ventured to declare his love to Fanny. There she heard and + frowned not; there, where nature's choicest sweets were exhaling, he had + first pressed her to his heart, and thought the balmy sweetness of her + lips beyond them all. He hurried forward in the enthusiasm the + recollection recalled, to enter that spot consecrated in his memory; but + on arriving at the door, he suddenly stopped, for he saw Fanny within. She + was plucking a geranium—the flower she had been plucking some years + before, when Edward said he loved her. She, all that morning, had been + under the influence of feelings similar to Edward's; had felt the same + yearnings—the same tender doubts—the same fond solicitude that + he should be the same Edward from whom she parted. But she thought of <i>more</i> + than this; with the exquisitely delicate contrivance belonging to woman's + nature, she wished to give him a signal of her fond recollection, and was + plucking the flower she gathered when he declared his love, to place on + her bosom when they should meet. Edward felt the meaning of her action, as + the graceful hand broke the flower from its stem. He would have rushed + towards her at once, but that the deep mourning in which she was arrayed + seemed to command a gentler approach; for grief commands respect. He + advanced softly—she heard a gentle step behind her—turned—uttered + a faint exclamation of joy, and sank into his arms! In a few moments she + recovered her consciousness, and opening her sweet eyes upon him, breathed + softly, “dear Edward!”—and the lips which, in two words, had + expressed so much, were impressed with a fervent kiss in the blessed + consciousness of possession, on that very spot where the first timid and + doubting word of love had been spoken. + </p> + <p> + In that moment he was rewarded for all his years of absence and anxiety. + His heart was satisfied; he felt he was dear as ever to the woman he + idolised, and the short and hurried beating of <i>both</i> their hearts + told more than words could express. Words!—what were words to them?—thought + was too swift for their use, and feeling too strong for their utterance; + but they drank from each other's eyes large draughts of delight, and, in + the silent pressure of each other's welcoming embrace, felt how truly they + loved each other. + </p> + <p> + He led her gently from the conservatory, and they exchanged words of + affection “soft and low,” as they sauntered through the wooded path which + surrounded the house. That live-long day they wandered up and down + together, repeating again and again the anxious yearnings which occupied + their years of separation, yet asking each other was not all more than + repaid by the gladness of the present— + </p> + <p> + “Yet <i>how</i> painful has been the past!” exclaimed Edward. + </p> + <p> + “But <i>now!</i>” said Fanny, with a gentle pressure of her tiny hand on + Edward's arm, and looking up to him with her bright eyes—“but <i>now!</i>” + </p> + <p> + “True, darling!” he cried; “'tis ungrateful to think of the past while + enjoying such a present and with such a future before me. Bless that + cheerful heart, and those hope-inspiring glances! Oh, Fanny! in the + wilderness of life there are springs and palm-trees—you are both to + me! and heaven has set its own mark upon you in those laughing blue eyes + which might set despair at defiance.” + </p> + <p> + “Poetical as ever, Edward!” said Fanny, laughing. + </p> + <p> + “Sit down, dearest, for a moment, on this old tree, beside me; 'tis not + the first time I have strung rhymes in your presence and your praise.” He + took a small note-book from his pocket, and Fanny looked on smilingly as + Edward's pencil rapidly ran over the leaf and traced the lover's tribute + to his mistress. + </p> + <h3> + THE SUNSHINE IN YOU + </h3> + <h3> + I + </h3> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + “It is sweet when we look round the wide world's waste + To know that the desert bestows + The palms where the weary heart may rest, + The spring that in purity flows. + And where have I found + In this wilderness round + That spring and that shelter so true; + Unfailing in need, + And my own, indeed?— + Oh! dearest, I've found it in you! +</pre> + <h3> + II + </h3> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + “And, oh when the cloud of some darkening hour + O'ershadows the soul with its gloom, + Then where is the light of the vestal pow'r, + The lamp of pale Hope to illume? + Oh! the light ever lies + In those bright fond eyes, + Where Heaven has impressed its own blue + As a seal from the skies + As my heart relies + On that gift of its sunshine in you!” + </pre> + <p> + Fanny liked the lines, of course. “Dearest,” she said, “may I always prove + sunshine to you! Is it not a strange coincidence that these lines exactly + fit a little air which occurred to me some time ago?” + </p> + <p> + “'Tis odd,” said Edward; “sing it to me, darling.” + </p> + <p> + Fanny took the verses from his hand, and sung them to her own measure. Oh, + happy triumph of the poet!—to hear his verses wedded to sweet + sounds, and warbled by the woman he loves! Edward caught up the strain, + adding his voice to hers in harmony, and thus they sauntered homewards, + trolling their ready-made duet together. There were not two happier hearts + in the world that day than those of Fanny Dawson and Edward O'Connor. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0029" id="link2HCH0029"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER L + </h2> + <p> + Respect for the memory of Major Dawson of course prevented the immediate + marriage of Edward and Fanny; but the winter months passed cheerfully away + in looking forward to the following autumn which should witness the + completion of their happiness. Though Edward was thus tempted by the + society of the one he loved best in the world, it did not make him neglect + the duties he had undertaken in behalf of Gustavus. Not only did he + prosecute his reading with him regularly, but he took no small pains in + looking after the involved affairs of the family, and strove to make + satisfactory arrangements with those whose claims were gnawing away the + estate to nothing. Though the years of Gusty's minority were but few, + still they would give the estate some breathing-time; and creditors, + seeing the minor backed by a man of character, and convinced a sincere + desire existed to relieve the estate of its encumbrances and pay all just + claims, presented a less threatening front than hitherto, and listened + readily to such terms of accommodation as were proposed to them. Uncle + Robert (for the breaking of whose neck Ratty's pious aspirations had been + raised) behaved very well on the occasion. A loan from him, and a partial + sale of some of the acres, stopped the mouths of the greedy wolves who + fatten on men's ruin, and time and economy were looked forward to for the + discharge of all other debts. Uncle Robert, having so far acted the + friend, was considered entitled to have a partial voice in the ordering of + things at the Hall; and having a notion that an English accent was + genteel, he desired that Gusty and Ratty should pass a year under the roof + of a clergyman in England, who received a limited number of young + gentlemen for the completion of their education. Gustavus would much + rather have remained near Edward O'Connor, who had already done so much + for him; but Edward, though he regretted parting with Gustavus, + recommended him to accede to his uncle's wishes, though he did not see the + necessity of an Irish gentleman being ashamed of his accent. + </p> + <p> + The visit to England, however, was postponed till the spring, and the + winter months were used by Gustavus in availing himself as much as he + could of Edward's assistance in putting him through his classics, his + pride prompting him to present himself creditably to the English + clergyman. + </p> + <p> + It was in vain to plead <i>such</i> pride to Ratty, who paid more + attention to shooting than his lessons. His mother strove to persuade—Ratty + was deaf. His “gran” strove to bribe—Ratty was incorruptible. Gusty + argued—Ratty answered after his own fashion. + </p> + <p> + “Why won't you learn even a little?” + </p> + <p> + “I'm to go to that 'English fellow' in spring, and I shall have no fun + then, so I'm making good use of my time now.” + </p> + <p> + “Do you call it 'good use' to be so dreadfully idle and shamefully + ignorant?” + </p> + <p> + “Bother!—the less I know, the more the English fellow will have to + teach me, and Uncle Bob will have more worth for his money;” and then + Ratty would whistle a jig, fling a fowling-piece over his shoulder, and + shout “Ponto! Ponto! Ponto!” as he traversed the stable-yard; the + delighted pointer would come bounding at the call, and, after circling + round his young master with agile grace and yelps of glee at the sight of + the gun, dash forward to the well-known “bottoms” in eager expectancy of + ducks and snipe. How fared it all this time with the lord of Scatterbrain? + He became established, for the present, in a house that had been a long + time to let in the neighbourhood, and his mother was placed at the head of + it, and Oonah still remained under his protection, though the daily sight + of the girl added to Andy's grief at the desperate plight in which his + ill-starred marriage placed him, to say nothing of the constant annoyance + of his mother's growling at him for his making “such a Judy of himself;” + for the dowager Lady Scatterbrain could not get rid of her vocabulary at + once. Andy's only resource under these circumstances was to mount his + horse and fly. + </p> + <p> + As for the dowager Lady Scatterbrain, she had a carriage with “a picture” + on it, as she called the coat of arms, and was fond of driving past the + houses of people who had been uncivil to her. Against Mrs. Casey (the + renowned Matty Dwyer) she entertained an especial spite, in consideration + of her treatment of her beautiful boy and her own pair of black eyes; so + she determined to “pay her off” in her own way, and stopping one day at + the hole in the hedge which served for entrance to the estate of the + “three-cornered field,” she sent the footman in to say the <i>dowjer</i> + Lady Scatter<i>breen</i> wanted to speak with “Casey's wife.” + </p> + <p> + When the servant, according to instructions, delivered this message, he + was sent back with the answer, “that if any lady wanted to see Casey's + wife, 'Casey's wife,' was at home.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, go back, and tell the poor woman I don't want to bring her to the + door of my carriage, if it's inconvaynient. I only wished to give her a + little help; and tell her if she sends up eggs to the big house, Lady + Scatterbreen will pay her for them.” + </p> + <p> + When the servant delivered this message, Matty grew outrageous at the + means “my lady” took of crowing over her, and rushing to the door, with + her face flushed with rage, roared out, “Tell the old baggage I want none + of her custom; let her lay eggs for herself.” + </p> + <p> + The servant staggered back in amaze; and Matty, feeling he would not + deliver her message, ran to the hole in the hedge and repeated her answer + to my lady herself, with a great deal more which need not be recorded. + Suffice it to say, my lady thought it necessary to pull up the glass, + against which Matty threw a handful of mud; the servant jumped up on his + perch behind the carriage, which was rapidly driven away by the coachman, + but not so fast that Matty could not, by dint of running, keep it “within + range” for some seconds, during which time she contrived to pelt both + coachman and footman with mud, and leave her mark on their new livery. + This was a salutary warning to the old woman, who was more cautious in her + demonstrations of grandeur for the future. If she was stinted in the + enjoyment of her new-born dignity abroad, she could indulge it at home + without let or hindrance, and to this end asked Andy to let her have a + hundred pounds, in one-pound notes, for a particular purpose. What this + purpose was no one was told or could guess, but for a good while after she + used to be closeted by herself for several hours during the day. + </p> + <p> + Andy had his hours of retirement also, for with praiseworthy industry he + strove hard, poor fellow, to lift himself above the state of ignorance, + and had daily attendance from the parish schoolmaster. The mysteries of + “pothooks and hangers” and ABC weighed heavily on the nobleman's mind, + which must have sunk under the burden of scholarship and penmanship, but + for the other “ship”—the horsemanship—which was Andy's daily + self-established reward for his perseverance in his lessons. Besides he + really <i>could</i> ride; and as it was the only accomplishment of which + he was master, it was no wonder he enjoyed the display of it; and, to say + the truth, he did, and that on a first-rate horse too. Having appointed + Murtough Murphy his law-agent, he often rode over to the town to talk with + him, and as Murtough could have some fun and thirteen and fourpence also + per visit, he was always glad to see his “noble friend.” The high road did + not suit Andy's notion of things; he preferred the variety, shortness, and + diversion of going across the country on these occasions; and in one of + these excursions, in the most secluded portion of his ride, which + unavoidably lay through some quarries and deep broken ground, he met + “Ragged Nance,” who held up her finger as he approached the gorge of this + lonely dell, in token that she would speak with him. Andy pulled up. + </p> + <p> + “Long life to you, my lord,” said Nance, dropping a deep curtsey, “and + sure I always liked you since the night you was so bowld for the sake of + the poor girl—the young lady, I mane, now, God bless her—and I + just wish to tell you, my lord, that I think you might as well not be + going these lonely ways, for I see <i>them</i> hanging about here betimes, + that maybe it would not be good for your health to meet; and sure, my + lord, it would be a hard case if you were killed now, havin' the luck of + the sick calf that lived all the winther and died in the summer.” + </p> + <p> + “Is it that big blackguard, <i>Shan More</i>, you mane?” said Andy. + </p> + <p> + “No less,” said Nance—growing deadly pale as she cast a piercing + glance into the dell, and cried, in a low, hurried tone—“Talk of the + divil—and there he is—I see him peep out from behind a rock.” + </p> + <p> + “He's running this way,” said Andy. + </p> + <p> + “Then you run the other way,” said Nance; “look there—I see him + strive to hide a blunderbuss under his coat—gallop off, for the love + o' God! or there'll be murther.” + </p> + <p> + “Maybe there will be that same,” said Andy, “if I leave you here, and he + suspects you gave me the hard word.” [Footnote: “Hard word” implies a + caution.] + </p> + <p> + “Never mind me,” said Nance, “save yourself—see, he's moving fast, + he'll be near enough to you soon to fire.” + </p> + <p> + “Get up behind me,” said Andy; “I won't leave you here.” + </p> + <p> + “Run, I tell you.” + </p> + <p> + “I won't.” + </p> + <p> + “God bless you, then,” said the woman, as Andy held out his hand and + gripped hers firmly. + </p> + <p> + “Put your foot on mine,” said Andy. + </p> + <p> + The woman obeyed, and was soon seated behind our hero, gripping him fast + by the waist, while he pushed his horse to a fast canter. + </p> + <p> + “Hold hard now,” said Andy, “for there's a stiff jump here.” As he + approached the ditch of which he spoke, two men sprang up from it, and one + fired, as Andy cleared the leap in good style, Nance holding on gallantly. + The horse was not many strokes on the opposite side, when another shot was + fired in their rear, followed by a scream from the woman. To Andy's + inquiry, if she was “kilt,” she replied in the negative, but said “they + hurt her sore,” and she was “bleeding a power;” but that she could still + hold on, however, and urged him to speed. The clearance of one or two more + leaps gave her grievous pain; but a large common soon opened before them, + which was skirted by a road leading directly to a farm-house, where Andy + left the wounded woman, and then galloped off for medical aid; this soon + arrived, and the wound was found not to be dangerous, though painful. The + bullet had struck and pierced a tin vessel of a bottle form, in which + Nance carried the liquid gratuities of the charitable, and this not only + deadened the force of the ball, but glanced it also; and the escapement of + the butter-milk, which the vessel contained, Nance had mistaken for the + effusion of her own blood. It was a clear case, however, that if Nance had + not been sitting behind Andy, Lord Scatterbrain would have been a dead + man, so that his gratitude and gallantry towards the poor beggar woman + proved the means of preserving his own life. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0030" id="link2HCH0030"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER LI + </h2> + <p> + The news of the attack on Lord Scatterbrain ran over the country like + wildfire, and his conduct throughout the affair raised his character + wonderfully in the opinion of all classes. Many who had hitherto held + aloof from the mushroom lord, came forward to recognise the manly fellow, + and cards were left at “the big house,” which were never seen there + before. The magistrates were active in the affair, and a reward was + immediately offered for the apprehension of the offenders; but before any + active steps could be taken by the authorities, Andy, immediately after + the attack, collected a few stout fellows himself, and knowing where the + den of Shan and his miscreants lay, he set off at the head of his party to + try if he could not secure them himself; but before he did this, he + despatched a vehicle to the farmhouse, where poor Nance lay wounded, with + orders that she should be removed to his own house, the doctor having said + that the transit would not be injurious. + </p> + <p> + A short time served to bring Andy and his followers to the private still, + where a little looking about enabled them to discover the entrance, which + was covered by some large stones, and a bunch of furze placed as a mask to + the opening. It was clear that it was impossible for any persons inside to + have thus covered the entrance, and it suggested the possibility that some + of its usual inmates were then absent. Nevertheless, having such desperate + characters to deal with, it was a service of danger to be leader in the + descent to the cavern when the opening was cleared; but Andy was the first + to enter, which he did boldly, only desiring his attendants to follow him + quickly, and give him support in case of resistance. A lantern had been + provided, Andy knowing the darkness of the den; and the party was thereby + enabled to explore with celerity and certainty the hidden haunt of the + desperadoes. The ashes of the fire were yet warm, but no one was to be + seen, till Andy, drawing the screen of the bed, discovered a man lying in + a seemingly helpless state, breathing with difficulty, and the straw about + him dabbled with blood. On attempting to lift him, the wretch groaned + heavily and muttered, “D—n you, let me alone—you've done for + me—I'm dying.” + </p> + <p> + The man was gently carried from the cave to the open air, which seemed + slightly to revive him. His eyes opened heavily, but closed again; yet + still he breathed. His wounds were staunched as well as the limited means + and knowledge of the parties present allowed; and the ladder, drawn up + from the cave and overlaid with tufts of heather, served to bear the + sufferer to the nearest house, whence Andy ordered a mounted messenger to + hurry for a doctor. The man seemed to hear what was going forward, for he + faintly muttered, “the priest—the priest.” + </p> + <p> + Andy, anxious to procure this most essential comfort to the dying man, + went himself in search of Father Blake, whom he found at home, and who + suggested that a magistrate might be also useful upon the occasion; and as + Merryvale lay not much out of the way, Andy made a detour to obtain the + presence of Squire Egan, while Father Blake pushed directly onward upon + his ghostly mission. + </p> + <p> + Andy and the Squire arrived soon after the priest had administered + spiritual comfort to the sufferer, who still retained sufficient strength + to make his depositions before the Squire, the purport of which turned out + to be of the utmost importance to Andy. + </p> + <p> + This man, it appeared, <i>was the husband of Bridget</i>, who had returned + from transportation, and sought his wife and her dear brother, and his + former lawless associates, on reaching Ireland. On finding Bridget had + married again, his anger at her infidelity was endeavoured to be appeased + by the representations made to him that it was a “good job,” inasmuch as + “the lord” had been screwed out of a good sum of money by way of separate + maintenance, and that he would share the advantage of that. When matters + were more explained, however, and the convict found this money was divided + among so many, who all claimed right of share in the plunder, his + discontent returned. In the first place, the pettifogger made a large haul + for his services. Shan More swore it was hard if a woman's own brother was + not to be the better for her luck; and Larry Hogan claimed hush-money, for + he could prove Bridget's marriage, and so upset their scheme of plunder. + The convict maintained his claim as husband was stronger than any; but + this, all the others declared, was an outlandish notion he brought back + with him from foreign parts, and did not prevail in their code of laws by + any manner o' means, and even went so far as to say they thought it hard, + after they had “done the job,” that he was to come in and lessen their + profit, which he would, as they were willing to give an even share of the + spoil; and after that, he must be the most discontented villain in the + world if he was not pleased. + </p> + <p> + The convict feigned contentment, but meditated at once revenge against his + wife and the gang, and separate profit for himself. He thought he might + stipulate for a good round sum from Lord Scatterbrain, as he could prove + him free of his supposed matrimonial engagement, and inwardly resolved he + would soon pay a visit to his lordship. But his intentions were suspected + by the gang, and a strict watch kept upon him; and though his + dissimulation and contrivance were of no inferior order, Larry Hogan was + his overmatch, and the convict was detected in having been so near Lord + Scatterbrain's dwelling, that they feared their secret, if not already + revealed, was no longer to be trusted to their new confederate's keeping; + and it was deemed advisable to knock him on the head, and shoot my lord, + which they thought would prevent all chance of the invalidity of the + marriage being discovered, and secure the future payment of the + maintenance. + </p> + <p> + How promptly the murderous determination was acted upon, the preceding + events prove. Andy's courage in the first part of the affair saved his + life; his promptness in afterwards seeking to secure the offenders led to + the important discovery he had just made; and as the convict's depositions + could be satisfactorily backed by proofs which he showed the means of + obtaining, Andy was congratulated heartily by the Squire and Father Blake, + and rode home in almost delirious delight at the prospect of making Oonah + his wife. On reaching the stables, he threw himself from his saddle, let + the horse make his own way to his stall, dashed through the back hall, and + nearly broke his neck in tumbling up-stairs, burst open the drawing-room + door, and made a rush upon Oonah, whom he hugged and kissed most + outrageously, amidst exclamations of the wildest affection. + </p> + <p> + Oonah, half strangled and struggling for breath, at last freed herself + from his embraces, and asked him, angrily, what he was about—in + which inquiry she was backed by his mother. + </p> + <p> + Andy answered by capering round the room, shouting, “Hurroo! I'm not + married at all—hurroo!” He turned over the chairs, upset the tables, + threw the mantelpiece ornaments into the fire, seized the poker and tongs, + and banged them together as he continued dancing and shouting. + </p> + <p> + Oonah and his mother stood gazing at his antics in trembling amazement, + till at last the old woman exclaimed, “Holy Vargin! he's gone mad!” + whereupon she and her niece set up a violent screaming, which called Andy + back to his propriety, and, as well as his excitement would permit, he + told them the cause of his extravagant joy. His wonder and delight were + shared by his mother and the blushing Oonah, who did not struggle so hard + in Andy's embrace on his making a second vehement demonstration of his + love for her. + </p> + <p> + “Let me send for Father Blake, my jewel,” said Andy, “and I'll marry you + at once.” + </p> + <p> + His mother reminded him he must first have his present marriage proved + invalid. Andy uttered several pieces of <i>original</i> eloquence on “the + law's delay.” + </p> + <p> + “Well, anyhow,” said he, “I'll drink your health, my darling girl, this + day, as Lady Scatterbrain—for you must consider yourself as sitch.” + </p> + <p> + “Behave yourself, my lord,” said Oonah, archly. + </p> + <p> + “Bother!” cried Andy, snatching another kiss. + </p> + <p> + “Hillo!” cried Dick Dawson, entering at the moment, and seeing the + romping-match. “You're losing no time, I see, Andy.” + </p> + <p> + Oonah was running from the room, laughing and blushing, when Dick + interposed, and cried, “Ah, don't go, 'my lady,' that <i>is to be</i>.” + </p> + <p> + Oonah slapped down the hand that barred her progress, exclaiming, “You're + just as bad as he is, Mister Dawson!” and ran away. + </p> + <p> + Dick had ridden over, on hearing the news, to congratulate Andy, and + consented to remain and dine with him. Oonah had rather, after what had + taken place, he had not been there, for Dick backed Andy in his tormenting + the girl and joined heartily in drinking to Andy's toast, which, according + to promise, he gave to the health of the future Lady Scatterbrain. + </p> + <p> + It was impossible to repress Andy's wild delight; and in the excitement of + the hour he tossed off bumper after bumper to all sorts of love-making + toasts, till he was quite overcome by his potations, and fit for no place + but bed. To this last retreat of “the glorious” he was requested to + retire, and, after much coaxing, consented. He staggered over to the + window-curtain, which he mistook for that of the bed; in vain they wanted + to lead him elsewhere—he would sleep in no other bed but <i>that</i>—and, + backing out at the window-pane, he made a smash, of which he seemed + sensible, for he said it wasn't a fair trick to put pins in the bed. “I + know it was Oonah did that!—hip!—ha! ha! Lady Scatterbrain!—never + mind—hip!—I'll have my revenge on you yet!” + </p> + <p> + They could not get him up-stairs, so his mother suggested he should sleep + in her room, which was on the same floor, for that night, and at last he + was got into the apartment. There he was assisted to disrobe, as he stood + swaying about at a dressing-table. Chancing to lay his hands on a + pill-box, he mistook it for his watch. + </p> + <p> + “Stop—stop!” he stammered forth—“I must wind my watch;” and, + suiting the action to the word, he began twisting about the pill-box, the + lid of which came off and the pills fell about the floor. “Oh, murder!” + said Lord Scatterbrain, “the works of my watch are fallin' about the flure—pick + them up—pick them up—pick them up—” He could speak no + more, and becoming quite incapable of all voluntary action, was undressed + and put to bed, the last sound which escaped him being a faint muttering—“pick + them up.” + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0031" id="link2HCH0031"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER THE LAST + </h2> + <p> + The day following the eventful one just recorded, the miserable convict + breathed his last. A printed notice was posted in all the adjacent + villages, offering a reward for the apprehension of <i>Shan More</i> and + “other persons unknown,” for their murderous assault; and a small reward + was promised for such “private information as might lead to the + apprehension of the aforesaid,” &c., &c. Larry Hogan at once came + forward and put the authorities on the scent, but still Shan and his + accomplices remained undiscovered. Larry's information on another subject, + however, was more effective. He gave his own testimony to the previous + marriage of Bridget, and pointed out the means of obtaining more, so that, + ere long, Lord Scatterbrain was a “free man.” Though the depositions of + the murdered man did not directly implicate Larry in the murderous attack, + still it showed that he had participated in much of their villany; but, as + in difficult cases, we must put up with bad instruments to reach the ends + of justice, so this rascal was useful for his evidence and private + information, and got his reward. + </p> + <p> + But he got his reward in more ways than one. He knew that he dare not + longer remain in the country after what had taken place, and set off + directly for Dublin by the mail, intending to proceed to England; but + England he never reached. As he was proceeding down the Custom-house quay + in the dusk of the evening, to get on ship-board, his arms were suddenly + seized and drawn behind him by a powerful grasp, while a woman in front + drew a handkerchief across his mouth, and stifled his attempted cries. His + bundle was dragged from him, and the woman ransacked his pockets but they + contained but a few shillings, Larry having hidden the wages of his + treachery to his confederates in the folds of his neck-cloth. To pluck + this from his throat, many a fierce wrench was made by the woman, when her + attempts on the pockets proved worthless; but the handkerchief was knotted + so tightly that she could not disengage it. The approach of some + passengers along the quay alarmed the assailants of Larry, who, ere the + iron grip released him, heard a deep curse in his ear growled by a voice + he well knew, and then he felt himself hurled with gigantic force from the + quay wall. Before the base, cheating, faithless scoundrel could make one + exclamation, he was plunged into the Liffey—even before one mental + aspiration for mercy, he was in the throes of suffocation! The heavy + splash in the water caught the attention of those whose approach had + alarmed the murderers, and seeing a man and woman running, a pursuit + commenced, which ended by Newgate having two fresh tenants the next day. + </p> + <p> + And so farewell to the entire of the abominable crew, whose evil doings + and merited fates have only been recorded when it became necessary to our + story. It is better to leave the debased and the profligate in oblivion + than drag their doings before the day; and it is with happy consciousness + an Irishman may assert, that there is plenty of subject afforded by Irish + character and Irish life honourable to the land, pleasing to the narrator, + and sufficiently attractive to the reader, without the unwholesome + exaggerations of crime which too often disfigure the fictions which pass + under the title of “Irish,” alike offensive to truth as to taste—alike + injurious both for private and public considerations. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <p> + It was in the following autumn that a particular chariot drove up to the + door of the Victoria Hotel, on the shore of Killarney lake. A young man of + elegant bearing handed a very charming young lady from the chariot; aand + that kindest and mos accommodating of hostesses, Mrs. F——, + welcomed the fresh arrival with her good-humoured and smiling face. + </p> + <p> + Why, amidst the crowd of arrivals at the Victoria, one chariot should be + remarkable beyond another, arose from its quiet elegance, which might + strike even a casual observer; but the intelligent Mrs. F—— + saw with half an eye the owners must be high-bred people. To the + apartments already engaged for them they were shown; but few minutes were + lost within doors where such matchless natural beauty tempted them + without. A boat was immediately ordered, and then the newly arrived + visitors were soon on the lake. The boatmen had already worked hard that + day, having pulled one party completely round the lakes—no trifling + task; but the hardy fellows again bent to their oars, and made the + sleeping waters wake in golden flashes to the sunset, till told they need + not pull so hard. + </p> + <p> + “Faith, then, we'll <i>plaze</i> you, sir,” said the stroke-oarsman, with + a grin, “for we have had quite enough of it to-day.” + </p> + <p> + “Do you not think, Fanny,” said Edward O'Connor, for it was he who spoke + to his bride, “Do you not think 'tis more in unison with the tranquil hour + and the coming shadows, to glide softly over the lulled waters?” + </p> + <p> + “Yes,” she replied, “it seems almost sacrilege to disturb this heavenly + repose by the slightest dip of the oar—see how perfectly that lovely + island is reflected.” + </p> + <p> + “That is Innisfallin, my lady,” said the boatman, hearing her allude to + the island, “where the hermitage is.” As he spoke, a gleam of light + sparkled on the island, which was reflected on the water. + </p> + <p> + “One might think the hermit was there too,” said Fanny, “and had just + lighted a lamp for his vigils.” + </p> + <p> + “That's the light of the guide that shows the place to the quality, my + lady, and lives on the island always in a corner of the ould ruin. And, + indeed, if you'd like to see the island this evening, there's time enough, + and 'twould be so much saved out of to-morrow.” + </p> + <p> + The boatman's advice was acted upon, and as they glided towards the + island, Fanny and Edward gazed delightedly on the towering summits of + Magillicuddy's reeks, whose spiral pinnacles and graceful declivities told + out sharply against the golden sky behind them, which, being perfectly + reflected in the calm lake, gave a grand chain of mountain the appearance + of being suspended in glowing heather, for the lake was one bright amber + sheet of light below, and the mountains one massive barrier of shade, till + they cut against the light above. The boat touched the shore of + Innisfallin, and the delighted pair of visitants hurried to its western + point to catch the sunset, lighting with its glory the matchless foliage + of this enchanting spot, where every form of grace exhaustless nature can + display is lavished on the arborial richness of the scene, which, in its + unequalled luxuriance, gives to a fanciful beholder the idea that the <i>trees + themselves have a conscious pleasure in growing there.</i> Oh! what a + witching spot is Innisfallin! + </p> + <p> + Edward had never seen anything so beautiful in his life; and with the + woman he adored resting on his arm, he quoted the lines which Moore has + applied to the Vale of Cashmere, as he asked Fanny would she not like to + live there. + </p> + <p> + “Would you?” said Fanny. + </p> + <p> + Edward answered— + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + “If woman can make the worst wilderness dear, + Think—think what a heaven she must make of Cashmere.” + </pre> + <p> + They lingered on the island till the moon arose, and then re-embarked. The + silvery light exhibited the lake under another aspect, and the dimly + discovered forms of the lofty hills rose one above another, tier upon + tier, circling the waters in their shadowy frame, the beauty of the scene + reached a point of sublimity which might be called holy. As they returned + towards the shelving strand, a long row of peeled branches, standing + upright in the water, attracted Fanny's attention, and she asked their + use. + </p> + <p> + “All the use in life, my lady,” said the boatman, “for without the same + branches, maybe it's not home to-night you'd get.” + </p> + <p> + On Fanny inquiring further the meaning of the boatman's answer, she + learned that the sticks were placed there to indicate the only channel + which permitted a boat to approach the shore on that side of the lake, + where the water was shoal, while in other parts the depth had never been + fathomed. + </p> + <p> + An early excursion on the water was planned for the morning, and Edward + and Fanny were wakened from their slumbers by the tones of the bugle; a + soft Irish melody being breathed by Spillan, followed by a more sportive + one from the other minstrel of the lake, Ganzy. + </p> + <p> + The lake now appeared under another aspect—the morning sun and + morning breeze were upon it, and the sublimity with which the shades of + evening had invested the mountains was changed to that of the most varied + richness; for Autumn hung out its gaudy banner on the lofty hills, crowned + to their summits with all variety of wood, which, though tinged by the + declining year, had scarcely shed one leafy honour. The day was glorious, + and the favouring breeze enabled the boat to career across the sparkling + lake under canvas, till the overhanging hills of the opposite side robbed + them of their aerial wings, and the sail being struck, the boatmen bent to + their oars. As they passed under a promontory, clothed from the water's + edge to its topmost ridge with the most luxuriant vegetation, it was + pointed out to the lady as “the minister's back.” + </p> + <p> + “'T is a strange name,” said Fanny. “Do you know why it is called so?” + </p> + <p> + “Faix, I dunna, my lady—barrin' that it is the best covered back in + the country. But here we come to the <i>aichos</i>,” said he, resting on + his oars. The example was followed by his fellows, and the bugler, lifting + his instrument to his lips, gave one long well-sustained blast. It rang + across the waters gallantly. It returned in a few seconds with such + unearthly sweetness, as though the spirit of the departed sound had become + heavenly, and revisited the place where it had expired. + </p> + <p> + Fanny and Edward listened breathlessly. + </p> + <p> + The bugle gave out its notes again in the well-known “call,” and as + sweetly as before the notes were returned distinctly. + </p> + <p> + And now a soft and slow and simple melody stole from the exquisitely + played bugle, and phrase after phrase was echoed from the responding + hills. How many an emotion stirred within Edward's breast, as the melting + music fell upon his ear! In the midst of matchless beauties he heard the + matchless strains of his native land, and the echoes of her old hills + responding to the triumphs of her old bards. The air, too, bore with it + historic associations;—it told a tale of wrong and of suffering. The + wrong has ceased, the suffering is past, but the air which records them + still lives. + </p> + <p> + “Oh! triumph of the minstrel!” exclaimed Edward in delight. “The tyrant + crumbles in his coffin, while the song of the bard survives! The memory of + a sceptred ruffian is endlessly branded by a simple strain, while many of + the elaborate chronicles of his evil life have passed away and are + mouldering like himself.” + </p> + <p> + Scarcely had the echoes of this exquisite air died away, when the + entrancement it carried was rudely broken by one of the vulgarest tunes + being brayed from a bugle in a boat which was seen rounding the headland + of the wooded promontory. Edward and Fanny writhed, and put their hands to + their ears. “Give way, boys!” said Edward; “for pity's sake get away from + these barbarians. Give way!” + </p> + <p> + Away sprang the boat. To the boatman's inquiry whether they should stop at + “Lady Kenmare's Cottage,” Fanny said “no,” when she found on inquiry it + was a particularly “show-place,” being certain the vulgar party following + <i>would</i> stop there, and therefore time might be gained in getting + away from such disagreeable followers. + </p> + <p> + Dinas Island, fringed with its lovely woods, excited their admiration, as + they passed underneath its shadows, and turned into Turk Lake; here the + labyrinthine nature of the channels through which they had been winding + was changed for a circular expanse of water, over which the lofty + mountain, whence it takes its name, towers in all its wild beauty of wood, + and rock, and heath. + </p> + <p> + At a certain part of the lake, the boatmen, without any visible cause, + rested on their oars. On Edward asking them why they did not pull, he + received this touching answer:— + </p> + <p> + “Sure, your honour would not have us disturb Ned Macarthy's grave!” + </p> + <p> + “Then a boatman was drowned here, I suppose?” said Edward. + </p> + <p> + “Yes, your honour.” The boatman then told how the accident occurred “one + day when there was a stag-hunt on the lake;” but as the anecdote struck + Edward so forcibly that he afterwards recorded it in verse, we will give + the story after his fashion. + </p> + <h3> + MACARTHY'S GRAVE + </h3> + <h3> + I + </h3> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + The breeze was fresh, the morn was fair, + The stag had left his dewy lair; + To cheering horn and baying tongue, + Killarney's echoes sweetly rung. + With sweeping oar and bending mast, + The eager chase was following fast; + When one light skiff a maiden steer'd + Beneath the deep wave disappeared: + Wild shouts of terror wildly ring, + A boatman brave, with gallant spring + And dauntless arm, the lady bore; + But he who saved—was seen no more! +</pre> + <h3> + II + </h3> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + Where weeping birches wildly wave, + There boatmen show their brother's grave; + And while they tell the name he bore, + Suspended hangs the lifted oar; + The silent drops they idly shed + Seem like tears to gallant Ned; + And while gently gliding by, + The tale is told with moistened eye. + No ripple on the slumbering lake + Unhallow'd oar doth ever make; + All undisturb'd, the placid wave + Flows gently o'er Macarthy's grave. +</pre> + <p> + Winding backwards through the channels which lead the explorers of this + scene of nature's enchantment from the lower to the upper lake, the + surpassing beauty of the “Eagle's nest” burst on their view; and as they + hovered under its stupendous crags, clustering with all variety of + verdure, the bugle and the cannon awoke the almost endless reverberation + of sound which is engendered here. Passing onward, a sudden change is + wrought; the soft beauty melts gradually away, and the scene hardens into + frowning rocks and steep acclivities, making a befitting vestibule to the + bold and bleak precipices of “The Reeks,” which form the western barrier + of this upper lake, whose savage grandeur is rendered more striking by the + scenes of fairy-like beauty left behind. But even here, in the midst of + the mightiest desolation, the vegetative vigour of the numerous islands + proves the wondrous productiveness of the soil in these regions. + </p> + <p> + On their return, a great commotion was observable as they approached the + rapids formed by the descending waters of the upper lake to the lower, and + they were hailed and warned by some of the peasants from the shore that + they must not attempt the rapids at present, as a boat, which had just + been upset, lay athwart the passage. On hearing this, Edward and Fanny + landed upon the falls, and walked towards the old bridge, where all was + bustle and confusion, as the dripping passengers were dragged safely to + shore from the capsized boat, which had been upset by the principal + gentleman of the party, whose vulgar trumpetings had so disturbed the + delight of Edward and Fanny, who soon recognised the renowned Andy as the + instigator of the bad music and the cause of the accident. Yes, Lord + Scatterbrain, true to his original practice, was author of all. + </p> + <p> + Nevertheless, he and his party, soused over head and ears as they were, + took the thing in good humour, which was unbroken even by the + irrepressible laughter which escaped from Edward and Fanny, as they + approached and kindly offered assistance. An immediate removal to the + neighbouring cottage on Dinas Island was recommended, particularly as Lady + Scatterbrain was in a delicate situation, as well, indeed, as Mrs. Durfy, + who, with her dear Tom, had joined Lord Scatterbrain's party of pleasure. + </p> + <p> + On reaching the cottage, sufficient change of clothes was obtained to + prevent evil consequences from the ducking. This, under ordinary + circumstances, might not have been easy for so many; but, fortunately, + Lord Scatterbrain had ordered a complete dinner from the hotel to be + served in the cottage, and some of the assistants from the Victoria, who + were necessarily present, helped to dress more than the dinner. What + between cookmaids and waiters, the care-taker of the cottage and the + boatmen, bodies, and skirts, jackets and other conveniences, enabled the + party to sit down to dinner in company, until fire could mend the mistake + of his lordship. Edward and Fanny courteously joined the party; and the + honour of their company was sensibly felt by Andy and Oonah, who would + have borne a ducking a day for the honour of having Fanny and Edward as + their guests. Oonah was by nature a nice creature, and adapted herself to + her elevated position with a modest ease that was surprising. Even Andy + was by this time able to conduct himself tolerably well at table—only + on that particular day he did make a mistake; for when salmon (which is + served at Killarney in all sorts of variety) made its appearance for the + first time in the novel form “<i>en papillote</i>,” Andy ate paper and + all. He refused a second cutlet, however, saying he “<i>thought the skin + tough</i>.” The party, however, passed off mirthfully, the very accident + helping the fun; for, instead of any one being called by name, the “lady + in the jacket,” or the “gentleman in the bedgown,” were the terms of + address; and, after a merrily spent evening, the beds of the Victoria gave + sleep and pleasing dreams to the sojourners of Killarney. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0008" id="linkimage-0008"></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:80%"> + <img src="images/party_killarney.jpg" alt="The Party at Killarney" width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + Kind reader! the shortening space we have prescribed to our volume warns + us we must draw our story to an end. Nine months after this Killarney + excursion, Lord Scatterbrain met Dick Dawson near Mount Eskar, where Lord + Scatterbrain had ridden to make certain inquiries about Mrs. O'Connor's + health. Dick wore a smiling countenance, and to Andy's inquiry answered, + “All right, and doing as well as can be expected.” + </p> + <p> + Lord Scatterbrain, wishing to know whether it was a boy or a girl, made + the inquiry in the true spirit of Andyism—“Tell me, Misther Dawson, + <i>are you an uncle or an aunt?</i>” + </p> + <p> + Andy's mother died soon after of the cold caught by her ducking. On her + death-bed she called Oonah to her, and said, “I leave you this quilt, <i>alanna</i>—'t + is worth more than it appears. The hundred-pound notes Andy gave me I + quilted into the lining, so that if I lived poor all my life till lately, + I died under a quilt of banknotes, anyhow.” + </p> + <p> + Uncle Bob was gathered to his fathers also, and left the bulk of his + property to Augusta, so that Furlong had to regret his contemptible + conduct in rejecting her hand. Augusta indulged in a spite to all mankind + for the future, enjoying her dogs and her independence, and defying Hymen + and hydrophobia for the rest of her life. + </p> + <p> + Gusty went on profiting by the early care of Edward O'Connor, whose + friendship was ever his dearest possession; and Ratty, always wild, + expressed a desire for leading a life of enterprise. As they are both + “Irish heirs,” as well as Lord Scatterbrain, and heirs under very + different circumstances, it is not improbable that in our future + “accounts” something may yet be heard of them, and the grateful author + once more meet his kind readers. + </p> + <h3> + THE END + </h3> + <div style="height: 6em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's Handy Andy, Volume 2 (of 2), by Samuel Lover + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK HANDY ANDY, VOLUME 2 (OF 2) *** + +***** This file should be named 7180-h.htm or 7180-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/7/1/8/7180/ + + +Text file produced by Charles Franks and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team + +HTML file produced by David Widger + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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