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diff --git a/7180.txt b/7180.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..b551cf2 --- /dev/null +++ b/7180.txt @@ -0,0 +1,10845 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Handy Andy, Volume 2 (of 2), by Samuel Lover + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Handy Andy, Volume 2 (of 2) + A Tale of Irish Life + +Author: Samuel Lover + + +Release Date: December, 2004 [EBook #7180] +This file was first posted on March 22, 2003 +Last Updated: June 12, 2013 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK HANDY ANDY, VOLUME 2 (OF 2) *** + + + + +Produced by Charles Franks and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team + + + + + + + + +HANDY ANDY + +A Tale of Irish Life + +In Two Volumes--Volume Two + +The Collected Writings Of Samuel Lover (V. 4) + +[Illustration: Tom Organ Loftus' Coldairian System] + +[Illustration: Tom Connor's Cat] + + + + +LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS VOLUME TWO + + +Tom Organ Loftus' Coldairian System + +Tom Connor's Cat + +Andy's Cooking Extraordinary + +Tom Organ Loftus and the Duke + +The Abduction + +A Crack Shot + +The Challenge + +The Party at Killarney + +_Etched by W. H. W. Bicknell from drawings by Samuel Lover_ + + + + +CHAPTER XXII + + +The night was pitch dark, and on rounding the adjacent corner no vehicle +could be seen; but a peculiar whistle from Dick was answered by the +sound of approaching wheels and the rapid footfalls of a horse, mingled +with the light rattle of a smart gig. On the vehicle coming up, Dick +took his little mare, that was blacker than the night, by the head, the +apron of the gig was thrown down, and out jumped a smart servant-boy. + +"You have the horse ready, too, Billy?" + +"Yis, sir," said Billy, touching his hat. + +"Then follow, and keep up with me, remember." + +"Yis, sir." + +"Come to her head, here," and he patted the little mare's neck as he +spoke with a caressing "whoa," which was answered by a low neigh of +satisfaction, while the impatient pawing of her fore foot showed the +animal's desire to start. "What an impatient little devil she is," said +Dick, as he mounted the gig; "I'll get in first, Murphy, as I'm going +to drive. Now up with you--hook on the apron--that's it--are you all +right?" + +"Quite," said Murphy. + +"Then you be into your saddle and after us, Billy," said Dick; "and now +let her go." + +Billy gave the little black mare her head, and away she went, at a +slapping pace, the fire from the road answering the rapid strokes of +her nimble feet. The servant then mounted a horse which was tied to +a neighbouring palisade, and had to gallop for it to come up with his +master, who was driving with a swiftness almost fearful, considering the +darkness of the night and the narrowness of the road he had to traverse, +for he was making the best of his course by cross-ways to an adjacent +roadside inn, where some non-resident electors were expected to arrive +that night by a coach from Dublin; for the county town had every nook +and cranny occupied, and this inn was the nearest point where they could +get any accommodation. + +Now don't suppose that they were electors whom Murphy and Dick in their +zeal for their party were going over to greet with hearty welcomes and +bring up to the poll the next day. By no means. They were the friends +of the opposite party, and it was with the design of retarding their +movements that this night's excursion was undertaken. These electors +were a batch of plain citizens from Dublin, whom the Scatterbrain +interest had induced to leave the peace and quiet of the city to tempt +the wilds of the country at that wildest of times--during a contested +election; and a night coach was freighted inside and out with the worthy +cits, whose aggregate voices would be of immense importance the next +day; for the contest was close, the county nearly polled out, and +but two days more for the struggle. Now, to intercept these plain +unsuspecting men was the object of Murphy, whose well-supplied +information had discovered to him this plan of the enemy, which he set +about countermining. As they rattled over the rough by-roads, many a +laugh did the merry attorney and the untameable Dick the Devil exchange, +as the probable success of their scheme was canvassed, and fresh +expedients devised to meet the possible impediments which might +interrupt them. As they topped a hill Murphy pointed out to his +companion a moving light in the plain beneath. + +"That's the coach, Dick--there are the lamps, we're just in time--spin +down the hill, my boy--let me get in as they're at supper, and 'faith +they'll want it, after coming off a coach such a night as this, to say +nothing of some of them being aldermen in expectancy perhaps, and of +course obliged to play trencher-men as often as they can, as a requisite +rehearsal for the parts they must hereafter fill." + +In fifteen minutes more Dick pulled up before a small cabin within a +quarter of a mile of the inn, and the mounted servant tapped at the +door, which was immediately opened, and a peasant, advancing to the gig, +returned the civil salutation with which Dick greeted his approach. + +"I wanted to be sure you were ready, Barny." + +"Oh, do you think I'd fail you, Misther Dick, your honour?" + +"I thought you might be asleep, Barny." + +"Not when you bid me wake, sir; and there's a nice fire ready for you, +and as fine a dhrop o' _potteen_ as ever tickled your tongue, sir." + +"You're the lad, Barny!--good fellow--I'll be back with you by-and-by;" +and off whipped Dick again. + +After going about a quarter of a mile further, he pulled up, alighted +with Murphy from the gig, unharnessed the little black mare, and then +overturned the gig into the ditch. + +"That's as natural as life," said Dick. + +"What an escape of my neck I've had!" said Murphy. + +"Are you much hurt?" said Dick. + +"A trifle lame only," said Murphy, laughing and limping. + +"There was a great _boccagh_ [Footnote: Lame beggar.] lost in you, +Murphy. Wait; let me rub a handful of mud on your face--there--you have +a very upset look, 'pon my soul," said Dick, as he flashed the light of +his lantern on him for a moment, and laughed at Murphy scooping the mud +out of his eye, where Dick had purposely planted it. + +"Devil take you," said Murtough; "that's too natural." + +"There's nothing like looking your part," said Dick. + +"Well, I may as well complete my attire," said Murtough, so he lay down +in the road and took a roll in the mud; "that will do," said he; "and +now, Dick, go back to Barny and the mountain dew, while I storm the +camp of the Philistines. I think in a couple of hours you may be on the +look-out for me; I'll signal you from the window, so now good bye;" +and Murphy, leading the mare, proceeded to the inn, while Dick, with a +parting "Luck to you, my boy," turned back to the cottage of Barny. + +The coach had set down six inside and ten out passengers (all voters) +about ten minutes before Murphy marched up to the inn door, leading the +black mare, and calling "ostler" most lustily. His call being answered +for "the beast," "the man" next demanded attention; and the landlord +wondered all the wonders he could cram into a short speech, at seeing +Misther Murphy, sure, at such a time; and the sonsy landlady, too, +was all lamentations for his illigant coat and his poor eye, sure, all +ruined with the mud:--and what was it at all? an upset, was it? oh, +wirra! and wasn't it lucky he wasn't killed, and they without a spare +bed to lay him out dacent if he was--sure, wouldn't it be horrid for his +body to be only on sthraw in the barn, instead of the best feather-bed +in the house; and, indeed, he'd be welcome to it, only the gintlemen +from town had them all engaged. + +"Well, dead or alive, I must stay here to-night, Mrs. Kelly, at all +events." + +"And what will you do for a bed?" + +"A shake down in the parlour, or a stretch on a sofa, will do; my gig is +stuck fast in a ditch--my mare tired--ten miles from home--cold night, +and my knee hurt." Murphy limped as he spoke. + +"Oh! your poor knee," said Mrs. Kelly; "I'll put a dhrop o' whisky and +brown paper on it, sure--" + +"And what gentlemen are these, Mrs. Kelly, who have so filled your +house?" + +"Gintlemen that came by the coach a while agone, and supping in the +parlour now, sure." + +"Would you give my compliments, and ask would they allow me, under the +present peculiar circumstances, to join them? and in the meantime, send +somebody down the road to take the cushions out of my gig; for there is +no use in attempting to get the gig out till morning." + +"Sartinly, Misther Murphy, we'll send for the cushions; but as for the +gentlemen, they are all on the other side." + +"What other side?" + +"The Honourable's voters, sure." + +"Pooh! is that all?" said Murphy,--"I don't mind that, I've no objection +on that account; besides, _they_ need not know who _I_ am," and he gave +the landlord a knowing wink, to which the landlord as knowingly returned +another. + +The message to the gentlemen was delivered, and Murphy was immediately +requested to join their party; this was all he wanted, and he played off +his powers of diversion on the innocent citizens so successfully, that +before supper was half over they thought themselves in luck to have +fallen in with such a chance acquaintance. Murphy fired away jokes, +repartees, anecdotes, and country gossip, to their delight; and when the +eatables were disposed of, he started them on the punch-drinking tack +afterwards so cleverly, that he hoped to see three parts of them tipsy +before they retired to rest. + +"Do you feel your knee better now, sir?" asked one of the party, of +Murphy. + +"Considerably, thank you; whisky punch, sir, is about the best cure for +bruises or dislocations a man can take." + +"I doubt that, sir," said a little matter-of-fact man, who had now +interposed his reasonable doubts for the twentieth time during Murphy's +various extravagant declarations, and the interruption only made Murphy +romance the more. + +"_You_ speak of your fiery _Dublin_ stuff, sir; but our country whisky +is as mild as milk, and far more wholesome; then, sir, our fine air +alone would cure half the complaints without a grain of physic." + +"I doubt that, sir!" said the little man. + +"I assure you, sir, a friend of my own from town came down here last +spring on crutches, and from merely following a light whisky diet and +sleeping with his window open, he was able to dance at the race ball in +a fortnight; as for this knee of mine, it's a trifle, though it was a +bad upset too." + +"How did it happen, sir? Was it your horse--or your harness--or your +gig--or--" + +"None o' them, sir; it was a _Banshee_." + +"A Banshee!" said the little man; "what's that?" + +"A peculiar sort of supernatural creature that is common here, sir. She +was squatted down on one side of the road, and my mare shied at her, +and being a spirited little thing, she attempted to jump the ditch and +missed it in the dark." + +"Jump a ditch, with a gig after her, sir?" said the little man. + +"Oh, common enough to do that here, sir; she'd have done it easy in the +daylight, but she could not measure her distance in the dark, and bang +she went into the ditch: but it's a trifle, after all. I am generally +run over four or five times a year." + +"And you alive to tell it!" said the little man, incredulously. + +"It's hard to kill us here, sir, we are used to accidents." + +"Well, the worst accident I ever heard of," said one of the citizens, +"happened to a friend of mine, who went to visit a friend of his on a +Sunday, and all the family happened to be at church; so on driving into +the yard there was no one to take his horse, therefore he undertook +the office of ostler himself, but being unused to the duty, he most +incautiously took off the horse's bridle before unyoking him from his +gig, and the animal, making a furious plunge forward--my friend being +before him at the time--the shaft of the gig was driven through his +body, and into the coach-house gate behind him, and stuck so fast that +the horse could not drag it out after; and in this dreadful situation +they remained until the family returned from church, and saw the awful +occurrence. A servant was despatched for a doctor, and the shaft was +disengaged, and drawn out of the man's body--just at the pit of the +stomach; he was laid on a bed, and every one thought of course he must +die at once, but he didn't; and the doctor came next day, and he wasn't +dead--did what he could for him--and, to make a long story short, sir, +the man recovered." + +"Pooh! pooh!" said the diminutive doubter. + +"It's true," said the narrator. + +"I make no doubt of it, sir," said Murphy; "I know a more extraordinary +case of recovery myself." + +"I beg your pardon, sir," said the cit; "I have not finished my story +yet, for the most extraordinary part of the story remains to be told; +my friend, sir, was a very sickly man before the accident happened--a +_very_ sickly man, and after that accident he became a hale healthy man. +What do you think of that, sir?" + +"It does not surprise me in the least, sir," said Murphy; "I can account +for it readily." + +"Well, sir, I never heard It accounted for, though I know it to be true; +I should like to hear how you account for it?" + +"Very simply, sir," said Murphy; "don't you perceive the man discovered +a _mine_ of health by a _shaft_ being sunk in the _pit_ of his stomach?" + +Murphy's punning solution of the cause of cure was merrily received by +the company, whose critical taste was not of that affected nature +which despises _jeu de mots_, and _will not_ be satisfied under a _jeu +d'esprit_; the little doubting man alone refused to be pleased. + +"I doubt the value of a pun always, sir. Dr. Johnson said, sir--" + +"I know," said Murphy; "that the man who would make a pun would pick +a pocket; that's old, sir,--but is dearly remembered by all those who +cannot make puns themselves." + +"Exactly," said one of the party they called Wiggins. "It is the old +story of the fox and the grapes. Did you ever hear, sir, the story of +the fox and the grapes? The fox one day was--" + +"Yes, yes," said Murphy, who, fond of absurdity as he was, could _not_ +stand the fox and the grapes by way of something new. + +"They're sour, said the fox." + +"Yes," said Murphy, "a capital story." + +"Oh, them fables is so good!" said Wiggins. + +"All nonsense!" said the diminutive contradictor. + +"Nonsense, nothing but nonsense; the ridiculous stuff of birds and +beasts speaking! As if any one could believe such stuff." + +"I do--firmly--for one," said Murphy. + +"You do?" said the little man. + +"I do--and do you know why?" + +"I cannot indeed conceive," said the little man, with a bitter grin. + +"It is, sir, because I myself know a case that occurred in this very +country of a similar nature." + +"Do you want to make me believe you knew a fox that spoke, sir?" said +the mannikin, almost rising into anger. + +"Many, sir," said Murphy, "many." + +"Well! after that!" said the little man. + +"But the case I immediately allude to is not of a fox, but a cat," said +Murphy. + +"A cat? Oh, yes--to be sure--a cat speak, indeed!" said the little +gentleman. + +"It is a fact, sir," said Murphy; "and if the company would not object +to my relating the story, I will state the particulars." + +The proposal was received with acclamation; and Murphy, in great +enjoyment of the little man's annoyance, cleared his throat, and made +all the preparatory demonstrations of a regular _raconteur_; but, before +he began, he recommended the gentlemen to mix fresh tumblers all round +that they might have nothing to do but listen and drink silently. "For +of all things in the world," said Murtough, "I hate a song or a story to +be interrupted by the rattle of spoons." + +They obeyed; and while they are mixing their punch, we will just turn +over a fresh page, and devote a new Chapter to the following + +MARVELLOUS LEGEND + + + + +CHAPTER XXIII + +MURTOUGH MURPHY'S STORY; BEING YE MARVELLOUS LEGEND OF TOM CONNOR'S CAT + + +"There was a man in these parts, sir, you must know, called Tom Connor, +and he had a cat that was equal to any dozen of rat-traps, and he was +proud of the baste, and with rayson; for she was worth her weight in +goold to him in saving his sacks of meal from the thievery of the rats +and mice; for Tom was an extensive dealer in corn, and influenced the +rise and fall of that article in the market, to the extent of a full +dozen of sacks at a time, which he either kept or sold, as the spirit +of free trade or monopoly came over him. Indeed, at one time, Tom had +serious thoughts of applying to the government for a military force to +protect his granary when there was a threatened famine in the county." + +"Pooh! pooh! sir," said the matter-of-fact little man: "as if a dozen +sacks could be of the smallest consequence in a whole county--pooh! +pooh!" + +"Well, sir," said Murphy, "I can't help if you don't believe; but it's +truth what I am telling you, and pray don't interrupt me, though you +may not believe; by the time the story's done you'll have heard more +wonderful things than _that_,--and besides, remember you're a stranger +in these parts, and have no notion of the extraordinary things, +physical, metaphysical, and magical, which constitute the idiosyncrasy +of rural destiny." + +The little man did not know the meaning of Murphy's last sentence--nor +Murphy either; but, having stopped the little man's throat with big +words, he proceeded-- + +"This cat, sir, you must know, was a great pet, and was so up to +everything, that Tom swore she was a'most like a Christian, only she +couldn't speak, and had so sensible a look in her eyes, that he was +sartin sure the cat knew every word that was said to her. Well, she used +to sit by him at breakfast every morning, and the eloquent cock of her +tail, as she used to rub against his leg, said, 'Give me some milk, Tom +Connor,' as plain as print, and the plenitude of her purr afterwards +spoke a gratitude beyond language. Well, one morning, Tom was going to +the neighbouring town to market, and he had promised the wife to bring +home shoes to the childre' out o' the price of the corn; and sure +enough, before he sat down to breakfast, there was Tom taking the +measure of the children's feet, by cutting notches on a bit of stick; +and the wife gave him so many cautions about getting a 'nate fit' for +'Billy's purty feet,' that Tom, in his anxiety to nick the closest +possible measure, cut off the child's toe. That disturbed the harmony of +the party, and Tom was obliged to breakfast alone, while the mother was +endeavouring to cure Billy; in short, trying to make a _heal_ of his +_toe_. Well, sir, all the time Tom was taking measure for the shoes, the +cat was observing him with that luminous peculiarity of eye for which +her tribe is remarkable; and when Tom sat down to breakfast the cat +rubbed up against him more vigorously than usual; but Tom, being +bewildered between his expected gain in corn and the positive loss of +his child's toe, kept never minding her, until the cat, with a sort of +caterwauling growl, gave Tom a dab of her claws, that went clean through +his leathers, and a little further. 'Wow!' says Tom, with a jump, +clapping his hand on the part, and rubbing it, 'by this and that, +you drew the blood out o' me,' says Tom; 'you wicked divil--tish!--go +along!' says he, making a kick at her. With that the cat gave a +reproachful look at him, and her eyes glared just like a pair of +mail-coach lamps in a fog. With that, sir, the cat, with a mysterious +_'mi-ow'_ fixed a most penetrating glance on Tom, and distinctly uttered +his name. + +"Tom felt every hair on his head as stiff as a pump-handle; and scarcely +crediting his ears, he returned a searching look at the cat, who very +quietly proceeded in a sort of nasal twang-- + +"'Tom Connor,' says she. + +"'The Lord be good to me!' says Tom, 'if it isn't spakin' she is!' + +"'Tom Connor,' says she again. + +"'Yes, ma'am,' says Tom. + +"'Come here,' says she; 'whisper--I want to talk to you, Tom,' says +she, 'the laste taste in private,' says she--rising on her hams, and +beckoning him with her paw out o' the door, with a wink and a toss o' +the head aiqual to a milliner. + +"Well, as you may suppose, Tom didn't know whether he was on his head +or his heels, but he followed the cat, and off she went and squatted +herself under the edge of a little paddock at the back of Tom's house; +and as he came round the corner, she held up her paw again, and laid it +on her mouth, as much as to say, 'Be cautious, Tom.' Well, divil a word +Tom could say at all, with the fright, so up he goes to the cat, and +says she-- + +"'Tom,' says she, 'I have a great respect for you, and there's something +I must tell you, becase you're losing character with your neighbours,' +says she, 'by your goin's on,' says she, 'and it's out o' the respect +that I have for you, that I must tell you,' says she. + +"'Thank you, ma'am,' says Tom. + +"'You're goin' off to the town,' says she, 'to buy shoes for the +childre',' says she, 'and never thought o' gettin' me a pair.' + +"'You!' says Tom." + +"'Yis, me, Tom Connor,' says she; 'and the neighbours wondhers that +a respectable man like you allows your cat to go about the counthry +barefutted,' says she." + +"'Is it a cat to ware shoes?' says Tom." + +"'Why not?' says she; 'doesn't horses ware shoes?--and I have a prettier +foot than a horse, I hope,' says she, with a toss of her head." + +"'Faix, she spakes like a woman; so proud of her feet,' says Tom to +himself, astonished, as you may suppose, but pretending never to think +it remarkable all the time; and so he went on discoursin'; and says he, +'It's thrue for you, ma'am,' says he, 'that horses wares shoes--but that +stands to rayson, ma'am, you see--seeing the hardship their feet has to +go through on the hard roads.'" + +"'And how do you know what hardship my feet has to go through?' says the +cat, mighty sharp." + +"'But, ma'am,' says Tom, 'I don't well see how you could fasten a shoe +on you,' says he." + +"'Lave that to me,' says the cat." + +"'Did any one ever stick walnut shells on you, pussy?' says Tom, with a +grin." + +"'Don't be disrespectful, Tom Connor,' says the cat, with a frown." + +"'I ax your pard'n, ma'am,' says he, 'but as for the horses you wor +spakin' about wearin' shoes, you know their shoes is fastened on with +nails, and how would your shoes be fastened on?'" + +"'Ah, you stupid thief!' says she, 'haven't I illigant nails o' my own?' +and with that she gave him a dab of her claw, that made him roar." + +"'Ow! murdher!' says he." + +"'Now, no more of your palaver, Misther Connor,' says the cat; 'just be +off and get me the shoes.'" + +"'Tare an' ouns!' says Tom, 'what'll become o' me if I'm to get shoes +for my cats?' says he, 'for you increase your family four times a year, +and you have six or seven every time,' says he; 'and then you must all +have two pair a piece--wirra! wirra!--I'll be ruined in shoe-leather,' +says Tom. + +"'No more o' your stuff,' says the cat; 'don't be stand in' here undher +the hedge talkin', or we'll lose our karacthers--for I've remarked your +wife is jealous, Tom.' + +"'Pon my sowl, that's thrue,' says Tom, with a smirk. + +"'More fool she,' says the cat, 'for, 'pon my conscience, Tom, you're as +ugly as if you wor bespoke.' + +"Off ran the cat with these words, leaving Tom in amazement. He said +nothing to the family, for fear of fright'ning them, and off he went to +the _town_ as he _pretended_--for he saw the cat watching him through +a hole in the hedge; but when he came to a turn at the end of the road, +the dickings a mind he minded the market, good or bad, but went off to +Squire Botherum's, the magisthrit, to sware examinations agen the cat." + +"Pooh! pooh!--nonsense!!" broke in the little man, who had listened thus +far to Murtough with an expression of mingled wonder and contempt, +while the rest of the party willingly gave up the reins to nonsense, +and enjoyed Murtough's Legend and their companion's more absurd common +sense. + +"Don't interrupt him, Goggins," said Mister Wiggins. + +"How can you listen to such nonsense?" returned Goggins. "Swear +examinations against a cat, indeed! pooh! pooh!" + +"My dear sir," said Murtough, "remember this is a fair story, and that +the country all around here is full of enchantment. As I was telling +you, Tom went off to swear examinations." + +"Ay, ay!" shouted all but Goggins; "go on with the story." + +"And when Tom was asked to relate the events of the morning, which +brought him before Squire Botherum, his brain was so bewildered between +his corn, and his cat, and his child's toe, that he made a very confused +account of it. + +"'Begin your story from the beginning,' said the magistrate to Tom. + +"'Well, your honour,' says Tom, 'I was goin' to market this mornin', to +sell the child's corn--I beg your pard'n--my own toes, I mane, sir.' + +"'Sell your toes!' said the Squire. + +"'No, sir, takin' the cat to market, I mane--' + +"'Take a cat to market!' said the Squire. 'You're drunk, man.' + +"'No, your honour, only confused a little; for when the toes began to +spake to me--the cat, I mane--I was bothered clane--' + +"'The cat speak to you!' said the Squire. 'Phew! worse than +before--you're drunk, Tom.' + +"'No, your honour; it's on the strength of the cat I come to spake to +you--' + +"'I think it's on the strength of a pint of whisky, Tom--' + +"'By the vartue o' my oath, your honour, it's nothin' but the cat.' And +so Tom then told him all about the affair, and the Squire was regularly +astonished. Just then the bishop of the diocese and the priest of the +parish happened to call in, and heard the story; and the bishop and the +priest had a tough argument for two hours on the subject; the former +swearing she must be a witch; but the priest denying _that_, and +maintaining she was _only_ enchanted; and that part of the argument was +afterwards referred to the primate, and subsequently to the conclave at +Rome; but the Pope declined interfering about cats, saying he had quite +enough to do minding his own bulls. + +"'In the meantime, what are we to do with the cat?' says Botherum. + +"'Burn her,' says the bishop, 'she's a witch.' + +"_Only_ enchanted,' said the priest--'and the ecclesiastical court +maintains that--' + +"'Bother the ecclesiastical court!' said the magistrate; 'I can only +proceed on the statutes;' and with that he pulled down all the law-books +in his library, and hunted the laws from Queen Elizabeth down, and he +found that they made laws against everything in Ireland, _except a cat_. +The devil a thing escaped them but a cat, which did _not_ come within +the meaning of any act of parliament:--_the cats only had escaped_. + +"'There's the alien act, to be sure,' said the magistrate, 'and perhaps +she's a French spy, in disguise.' + +"'She spakes like a French spy, sure enough,' says Tom; 'and she was +missin', I remember, all last Spy-Wednesday.' + +"'That's suspicious,' says the squire--'but conviction might be +difficult; and I have a fresh idea,' says Botherum. + +"''Faith, it won't keep fresh long, this hot weather,' says Tom; 'so +your honour had betther make use of it at wanst.' + +"'Right,' says Botherum,--'we'll make her subject to the game laws; +we'll hunt her,' says he. + +"'Ow!--elegant!' says Tom;--'we'll have a brave run out of her.' + +"'Meet me at the cross roads,' says the Squire, 'in the morning, and +I'll have the hounds ready.' + +"'Well, off Tom went home; and he was racking his brain what excuse he +could make to the cat for not bringing the shoes; and at last he hit one +off, just as he saw her cantering up to him, half-a-mile before he got +home. + +"'Where's the shoes, Tom?' says she. + +"'I have not got them to-day, ma'am,' says he. + +"'Is that the way you keep your promise, Tom?' says she;--'I'll tell you +what it is, Tom--I'll tare the eyes out o' the childre' if you don't get +me shoes.' + +"'Whisht! whisht!' says Tom, frightened out of his life for his +children's eyes. 'Don't be in a passion, pussy. The shoemaker said he +had not a shoe in his shop, nor a last that would make one to fit +you; and he says, I must bring you into the town for him to take your +measure.' + +"'And when am I to go?' says the cat, looking savage. + +"'To-morrow,' says Tom. + +"'It's well you said that, Tom,' said the cat, 'or the devil an eye I'd +leave in your family this night'--and off she hopped. + +"Tom thrimbled at the wicked look she gave. + +"'Remember!' says she, over the hedge, with a bitter caterwaul. + +"'Never fear,' says Tom. Well, sure enough, the next mornin' there was +the cat at cock-crow, licking herself as nate as a new pin, to go into +the town, and out came Tom with a bag undher his arm, and the cat afther +him. + +"'Now git into this, and I'll carry you into the town,' says Tom, +opening the bag. + +"'Sure I can walk with you,' says the cat. + +"'Oh, that wouldn't do,' says Tom; 'the people in the town is curious +and slandherous people, and sure it would rise ugly remarks if I was +seen with a cat afther me:--a dog is a man's companion by nature, but +cats does not stand to rayson.' + +"Well, the cat, seeing there was no use in argument, got into the bag, +and off Tom set to the cross roads with the bag over his shoulder, and +he came up, _quite innocent-like_, to the corner, where the Squire, and +his huntsman, and the hounds, and a pack o' people were waitin'. Out +came the Squire on a sudden, just as if it was all by accident. + +"'God save you, Tom,' says he. + +"'God save you kindly, sir,' says Tom. + +"'What's that bag you have at your back?' says the Squire. + +"'Oh, nothin' at all, sir,' says Tom--makin' a face all the time, as +much as to say, I have her safe. + +"'Oh, there's something in that bag, I think,' says the Squire; 'and you +must let me see it.' + +"'If you bethray me, Tom Connor,' says the cat in a low voice, 'by this +and that I'll never spake to you again!' + +"'Pon my honour, sir,' said Tom, with a wink and a twitch of his thumb +towards the bag, 'I haven't anything in it.' + +"'I have been missing my praties of late,' says the Squire; 'and I'd +just like to examine that bag,' says he. + +"'Is it doubting my charackther you'd be, sir?' says Tom, pretending to +be in a passion. + +"'Tom, your sowl!' says the voice in the sack, '_if you let the cat out +of the bag_, I'll murther you.' + +"'An honest man would make no objection to be sarched,' said the +Squire; 'and I insist on it,' says he, laying hold o' the bag, and Tom +purtending to fight all the time; but, my jewel! before two minutes, +they shook the cat out o' the bag, sure enough, and off she went with +her tail as big as a sweeping brush, and the Squire, with a thundering +view halloo after her, clapt the dogs at her heels, and away they went +for the bare life. Never was there seen such running as that day--the +cat made for a shaking bog, the loneliest place in the whole country, +and there the riders were all thrown out, barrin' the huntsman, who had +a web-footed horse on purpose for soft places; and the priest, whose +horse could go anywhere by reason of the priest's blessing; and, sure +enough, the huntsman and his riverence stuck to the hunt like wax; and +just as the cat got on the border of the bog, they saw her give a twist +as the foremost dog closed with her, for he gave her a nip in the flank. +Still she went on, however, and headed them well, towards an old mud +cabin in the middle of the bog, and there they saw her jump in at the +window, and up came the dogs the next minit, and gathered round +the house with the most horrid howling ever was heard. The huntsman +alighted, and went into the house to turn the cat out again, when what +should he see but an old hag lying in bed in the corner? + +"'Did you see a cat come in here?' says he. + +"'Oh, no--o--o--o!' squealed the old hag, in a trembling voice; 'there's +no cat here,' says she. + +"'Yelp, yelp, yelp!' went the dogs outside. + +"'Oh, keep the dogs out o' this,' says the old hag--'oh--o--o--o!' and +the huntsman saw her eyes glare under the blanket, just like a cat's. + +"'Hillo!' says the huntsman, pulling down the blanket--and what should +he see but the old hag's flank all in a gore of blood. + +"'Ow, ow! you old divil--is it you? you ould cat!' says he, opening the +door. + +"In rushed the dogs--up jumped the old hag, and changing into a cat +before their eyes, out she darted through the window again, and made +another run for it; but she couldn't escape, and the dogs gobbled her +while you could say 'Jack Robinson.' But the most remarkable part of +this extraordinary story, gentlemen, is, that the pack was ruined from +that day out; for after having eaten the enchanted cat, _the devil a +thing they would ever hunt afterwards but mice._" + + + + +CHAPTER XXIV + + +Murphy's story was received with acclamation by all but the little man. + +"That is all a pack of nonsense," said he. + +"Well, you're welcome to it, sir," said Murphy, "and if I had greater +nonsense you should have it; but seriously, sir, I again must beg you +to remember that the country all around here abounds in enchantment; +scarcely a night passes without some fairy frolic; but, however you +may doubt the wonderful fact of the cat speaking, I wonder you are not +impressed with the points of moral in which the story abounds--" + +"Fiddlestick!" said the miniature snarler. + +"First, the little touch about the corn monopoly [1]--then maternal +vanity chastised by the loss of the child's toe--then Tom's familiarity +with his cat, showing the danger arising from a man making too free with +his female domestics--the historical point about the penal laws--the +fatal results of letting the cat out o' the bag, with the curious final +fact in natural history." + +[1][Footnote: Handy Andy was written when the "vexed question" of the +"Corn Laws" was the all-absorbing subject of discussion.] + +"It's all nonsense," said the little man, "and I am ashamed of myself +for being such a fool as to sit--alistening to such stuff instead of +going to bed, after the fatigue of my journey and the necessity of +rising early to-morrow, to be in good time at the polling." + +"Oh! then you're going to the election, sir?" said Murphy. + +"Yes, sir--there's some sense in _that_--and _you_, gentlemen, remember +we must be _all_ up early--and I recommend you to follow my example." + +The little man rang the bell--the bootjack and slippers were called for, +and, after some delay, a very sleepy-looking _gossoon_ entered with a +bootjack under his arm, but no slippers. + +"Didn't I say slippers?" said the little man. + +"You did, sir." + +"Where are they, sir?" + +"The masther says there isn't any, if you plaze, sir." + +"No slippers! and you call this an inn? Oh!--well, 'what can't be cured +must be endured'--hold me the bootjack, sir." + +The gossoon obeyed--the little man inserted his heel in the cleft, but, +on attempting to pull his foot from the boot, he nearly went heels over +head backward. Murphy caught him and put him on his legs again. "Heads +up, soldiers," exclaimed Murtough; "I thought you were drinking too +much." + +"Sir, I'm not intoxicated!" said the mannikin, snappishly. "It is the +fault of that vile bootjack--what sort of a thing is that you have +brought?" added he in a rage to the _gossoon_. + +"It's the bootjack, sir; only one o' the horns is gone, you see," and he +held up to view a rough piece of board with an angular slit in it, but +one of "the horns," as he called it, had been broken off at the top, +leaving the article useless. + +"How dare you bring such a thing as _that_?" said the little man, in a +great rage. + +"Why, sir, you ax'd for a bootjack, sure, and I brought you the best I +had--and it's not my fault it's bruk, so it is, for it wasn't me bruk +it, but Biddy batin' the cock." + +"Beating the cock!" repeated the little man in surprise. "Bless me! beat +a cock with a bootjack!--what savages!" + +"Oh, it's not the _hen_ cock I mane, sir," said the gossoon, "but +the beer cock--she was batin' the cock into the barrel, sir, wid the +bootjack, sir." + +"That was decidedly wrong," said Murphy; "a bootjack is better suited to +a heel-tap than a full measure." + +"She was tapping the beer, you mean?" said the little man. + +"Faix, she wasn't tapping it at all, sir, but hittin' it very hard, she +was, and that's the way she bruk it." + +"Barbarians!" exclaimed the little man; "using a bootjack instead of a +hammer!" + +"Sure the hammer was gone to the priest, sir; bekase he wanted it for +the crucifixion." + +"The crucifixion!" exclaimed the little man, horrified; "is it possible +they crucify people?" + +"Oh no, sir!" said the gossoon, grinning, "it's the picthure I main, +sir--an illigant picthure that is hung up in the chapel, and he wanted a +hammer to dhrive the nails--" + +"Oh, a _picture_ of the crucifixion," said the little man. + +"Yes, sure, sir--the alther-piece, that was althered for to fit to the +place, for it was too big when it came down from Dublin, so they cut +off the sides where the sojers was, bekase it stopt out the windows, and +wouldn't lave a bit o' light for his riverence to read mass; and sure +the sojers were no loss out o' the alther-piece, and was hung up afther +in the vesthery, and serve them right, the blackguards. But it was sore +agen our will to cut off the ladies at the bottom, that was cryin' +and roarin'; but great good luck, the head o' the Blessed Virgin was +presarved in the corner, and sure it's beautiful to see the tears +runnin' down her face, just over the hole in the wall for the holy +wather--which is remarkable." + +The gossoon was much offended by the laughter that followed his account +of the altar-piece, which he had no intention of making irreverential, +and suddenly became silent, with a muttered "More shame for yiz;" and +as his bootjack was impracticable, he was sent off with orders for the +chamber-maid to supply bed candles immediately. + +The party soon separated for their various dormitories, the little man +leaving sundry charges to call them early in the morning, and to be sure +to have hot water ready for shaving, and, without fail, to have their +boots polished in time and left at their room doors;--to all which +injunctions he severally received the answer of--"Certainly, sir;" and +as the bed-room doors were slapped-to, one by one, the last sound of the +retiring party was the snappish voice of the indefatigable little man, +shouting, ere he shut his door,--"Early--early--don't forget, Mistress +Kelly--_early!_" + +A shake-down for Murphy in the parlour was hastily prepared; and after +Mrs. Kelly was assured by Murtough that he was quite comfortable, and +perfectly content with his accommodation, for which she made scores +of apologies, with lamentations it was not better, &c., &c., the whole +household retired to rest, and in about a quarter of an hour the inn was +in perfect silence. + +Then Murtough cautiously opened his door, and after listening for some +minutes, and being satisfied he was the only watcher under the roof, +he gently opened one of the parlour windows and gave the preconcerted +signal which he and Dick had agreed upon. Dick was under the window +immediately, and after exchanging a few words with Murtough, the latter +withdrew, and taking off his boots, and screening with his hand the +light of a candle he carried, he cautiously ascended the stairs, and +proceeded stealthily along the corridor of the dormitory, where, from +the chambers on each side, a concert of snoring began to be executed, +and at all the doors stood the boots and shoes of the inmates +awaiting the aid of Day and Martin in the morning. But, oh! innocent +calf-skins--destined to a far different fate--not Day and Martin, but +Dick the Devil and Company are in wait for you. Murphy collected as many +as he could carry under his arms and descended with them to the parlour +window, where they were transferred to Dick, who carried them directly +to the horse-pond which lay behind the inn, and there committed them to +the deep. After a few journeys up and down stairs, Murtough had left the +electors without a morsel of sole or upper leather, and was satisfied +that a considerable delay, if not a prevention of their appearance at +the poll on the morrow, would be the consequence. + +"There, Dick," said Murphy, "is the last of them," as he handed the +little man's shoes out of the window,--"and now, to save appearances, +you must take mine too--for I must be without boots as well as the rest +in the morning. What fun I shall have when the uproar begins--don't you +envy me, Dick? There, be off now: but hark 'e, notwithstanding you take +away my boots, you need not throw them into the horse-pond." + +"'Faith, an' I will," said Dick, dragging them out of his hands; "'t +would not be honourable, if I didn't--I'd give two pair of boots for the +fun you'll have." + +"Nonsense, Dick--Dick, I say--my boots!" + +"Honour!" cried Dick, as he vanished round the corner. + +"That devil will keep his word," muttered Murphy, as he closed the +window--"I may bid good bye to that pair of boots--bad luck to him!" +And yet the merry attorney could not help laughing at Dick making him a +sufferer by his own trick. + +Dick _did_ keep his word; and after, with particular delight, sinking +Murphy's boots with the rest, he, as it was preconcerted, returned to +the cottage of Barny, and with his assistance drew the upset gig from +the ditch, and with a second set of harness, provided for the occasion, +yoked the servant's horse to the vehicle and drove home. + +Murphy, meanwhile, was bent on more mischief at the inn; and lest +the loss of the boots and shoes might not be productive of sufficient +impediment to the movements of the enemy, he determined on venturing +a step further. The heavy sleeping of the weary and tipsy travellers +enabled him to enter their chambers unobserved, and over the garments +they had taken off he poured the contents of the water-jug and +water-bottle he found in each room, and then laying the empty bottle and +a tumbler on a chair beside each sleeper's bed, he made it appear as if +the drunken men had been dry in the night, and, in their endeavours +to cool their thirst, had upset the water over their own clothes. The +clothes of the little man, in particular, Murphy took especial delight +in sousing more profusely than his neighbour's, and not content with +taking his shoes, burnt his stockings, and left the ashes in the dish +of the candlestick, with just as much unconsumed as would show what +they had been. He then retired to the parlour, and with many an internal +chuckle at the thought of the morning's hubbub, threw off his clothes +and flinging himself on the shake-down Mrs. Kelly had provided for him, +was soon wrapt in the profoundest slumber, from which he never awoke +until the morning uproar of the inn aroused him. He jumped from his +lair and rushed to the scene of action, to soar in the storm of his +own raising; and to make it more apparent that he had been as great a +sufferer as the rest, he only threw a quilt over his shoulders and +did not draw on his stockings. In this plight he scaled the stairs and +joined the storming party, where the little man was leading the forlorn +hope, with his candlestick in one hand and the remnant of his burnt +stocking between the finger and thumb of the other. + +"Look at that, sir!" he cried, as he held it up to the landlord. + +The landlord could only stare. + +"Bless me!" cried Murphy, "how drunk you must have been to mistake your +stocking for an extinguisher!" + +"Drunk, sir--I wasn't drunk!" + +"It looks very like it," said Murphy, who did not wait for an answer, +but bustled off to another party who was wringing out his inexpressibles +at the door of his bed-room, and swearing at the gossoon that he _must_ +have his boots. + +"I never seen them, sir," said the boy. + +"I left them at my door," said the man. + +"So did I leave mine," said Murphy, "and here I am barefooted--it is +most extraordinary." + +"Has the house been robbed?" said the innocent elector. + +"Not a one o' me knows, sir!" said the boy; "but how could it be robbed +and the doors all fast this mornin'?" + +The landlady now appeared, and fired at the word "robbed!" + +"Robbed, sir!" exclaimed Mrs. Kelly; "no, sir--no one was ever robbed +in my house--my house is respectable and responsible, sir--a vartuous +house--none o' your rantipole places, sir, I'd have you to know, but +decent and well behaved, and the house was as quiet as a lamb all +night." + +"Certainly, Mrs. Kelly," said Murphy--"not a more respectable house in +Ireland--I'll vouch for that." + +"You're a gentleman, Misther Murphy," said Mrs. Kelly, who turned down +the passage, uttering indignant ejaculations in a sort of snorting +manner, while her words of anger were returned by Murphy with +expressions of soothing and condolence as he followed her down-stairs. + +The storm still continued above, and while there they shouted and swore +and complained, Murphy gave _his_ notion of the catastrophe to the +landlady below, inferring that the men were drunk and poured the +water over their own clothes. To repeat this idea to themselves he +re-ascended, but the men were incredulous. The little man he found +buttoning on a pair of black gaiters, the only serviceable decency +he had at his command, which only rendered his denuded state more +ludicrous. To him Murphy asserted his belief that the whole affair was +enchantment, and ventured to hope the small individual would have more +faith in fairy machinations for the future; to which the little abortion +only returned his usual "Pho! pho! nonsense!" + +Through all this scene of uproar, as Murphy passed to and fro, whenever +he encountered the landlord, that worthy individual threw him a knowing +look; and the exclamation of, "Oh, Misther Murphy--by dad!" given in +a low chuckling tone, insinuated that the landlord not only smoked but +enjoyed the joke. + +"You must lend me a pair of boots, Kelly!" said Murtough. + +"To be sure, sir--ha! ha! ha!--but you are the quare man, Misther +Murphy--" + +"Send down the road and get my gig out of the ditch." + +"To be sure, sir. Poor devils! purty hands they got into," and off went +the landlord, with a chuckle. + +The messengers sent for the gig returned, declaring there was no gig to +be seen anywhere. + +Murphy affected great surprise at the intelligence--again went among +the bamboozled electors, who were all obliged to go to bed for want of +clothes; and his bitter lamentations over the loss of his gig almost +reconciled them to their minor troubles. + +To the fears they expressed that they should not be able to reach the +town in time for polling that day, Murphy told them to set their minds +at rest, for they would be in time on the next. + +He then borrowed a saddle as well as the pair of boots from the +landlord, and the little black mare bore Murphy triumphantly back to the +town, after he had securely impounded Scatterbrain's voters, who were +anxiously and hourly expected by their friends. Still they came not. +At last, Handy Andy, who happened to be in town with Scatterbrain, was +despatched to hurry them, and his orders were not to come back without +them. + +Handy, on his arrival at the inn, found the electors in bed, and all +the fires in the house employed in drying their clothes. The little man, +wrapped in a blanket, was superintending the cooking of his own +before the kitchen grate; there hung his garments on some cross sticks +suspended by a string, after the fashion of a roasting-jack, which +the small gentleman turned before a blazing turf fire; and beside +this contrivance of his swung a goodly joint of meat, which a bouncing +kitchen wench came over to baste now and then. + +Andy was answering some questions of the inquisitive little man, when +the kitchen maid, handing the basting-ladle to Andy, begged him to do +a good turn and just to baste the beef for her, for that her heart was +broke with all she had to do, cooking dinner for so many. + +Andy, always ready to oblige, consented, and plied the ladle actively +between the troublesome queries of the little man; but at last, getting +confused with some very crabbed questions put to him, Andy became +completely bothered, and lifting a brimming ladle of dripping, poured it +over the little man's coat instead of the beef. + +A roar from the proprietor of the clothes followed, and he implanted +a kick at such advantage upon Andy, that he upset him into the +dripping-pan; and Andy, in his fall, endeavouring to support himself, +caught at the suspended articles above him, and the clothes, and the +beef, and Andy, all swam in gravy. + +[Illustration: Andy's Cooking extraordinary] + + + + +CHAPTER XXV + + +While disaster and hubbub were rife below, the electors up-stairs +were holding a council whether it would not be better to send back the +"Honourable's" messenger to the town and request a supply of shoes, +which they had no other means of getting. The debate was of an odd sort; +they were all in their several beds at the time, and roared at each +other through their doors, which were purposely left open that they +might enjoy each other's conversation; number seven replied to number +three, and claimed respect to his arguments on the score of seniority; +the blue room was completely controverted by the yellow; and the +double-bedded room would, of course, have had superior weight in the +argument, only that everything it said was lost by the two honourable +members speaking together. The French king used to hold a council called +a "bed of justice," in which neither justice nor a bed had anything to +do, so that this Irish conference better deserved the title than any +council the Bourbon ever assembled. The debate having concluded, and the +question being put and carried, the usher of the black counterpane was +desired to get out of bed, and, wrapped in the robe of office whence +he derived his title, to go down-stairs and call the "Honourable's" +messenger to the "bar of the house," and there order him a pint of +porter, for refreshment after his ride; and forthwith to send him back +again to the town for a supply of shoes. + +The house was unanimous in voting the supplies. The usher reached the +kitchen and found Andy in his shirt sleeves, scraping the dripping from +his livery with an old knife, whose hackled edge considerably assisted +Andy's own ingenuity in the tearing of his coat in many places, while +the little man made no effort towards the repair of his garment, but +held it up before him, and regarded it with a piteous look. + +To the usher of the black counterpane's question, whether Andy was the +"Honourable's messenger," Andy replied in the affirmative; but to the +desire expressed, that he would ride back to the town, Andy returned a +decided negative. + +"My ordhers is not to go back without you," said Andy. + +"But we have no shoes," said the usher; "and cannot go until we get +some." + +"My ordher is not to go back without you." + +"But if we can't go?" + +"Well, then, I can't go back, that's all," said Andy. + +The usher, the landlord, and the landlady all hammered away at Andy for +a long time, in vain trying to convince him he ought to return, as he +was desired; still Andy stuck to the letter of his orders, and said he +often got into trouble for not doing _exactly_ what he was bid, and +that he was bid "not to go back without them, and he would not--so he +wouldn't--divil a fut." + +At last, however, Andy was made to understand the propriety of riding +back to the town; and was desired to go as fast as his horse could carry +him, to gallop every foot of the way; but Andy did no such thing; he had +received a good thrashing once for being caught galloping his master's +horse on the road, and he had no intention of running the risk a second +time, because "_the stranger_" told him to do so. "What does he know +about it?" said Andy to himself; "'faith, it's fair and aisy I'll go, +and not disthress the horse to plaze any one." So he went back his +ten miles at a reasonable pace only; and when he appeared without the +electors, a storm burst on poor Andy. + +"There! I knew how it would be," said he, "and not my fault at all." + +"Weren't you told not to return without them?" + +"But wait till I tell you how it was, sure;" and then Andy began an +account of the condition in which the voters lay at the inn but between +the impatience of those who heard, and the confused manner of Andy's +recital, it was some time before matters were explained; and then Andy +was desired to ride back to the inn again, to tell the electors shoes +should be forwarded after him in a post-chaise, and requesting their +utmost exertions in hastening over to the town, for that the election +was going against them. Andy returned to the inn; and this time, under +orders from head quarters, galloped in good earnest, and brought in his +horse smoking hot, and indicating lameness. The day was wearing apace, +and it was so late when the electors were enabled to start that the +polling-booths were closed before they could leave the town; and in many +of these booths the requisite number of electors had not been polled +that day to keep them open; so that the next day nearly all those +outlying electors, about whom there had been so much trouble and +expense, would be of no avail. Thus, Murphy's trick was quite +successful, and the poor pickled electors were driven back to their inn +in dudgeon. + +Andy, when he went to the stable to saddle his steed, for a return to +Neck-or-Nothing Hall, found him dead lame, so that to ride him better +than twelve miles home was impossible. Andy was obliged to leave him +where he was, and trudge it to the hall; for all the horses in Kelly's +stables were knocked up with their day's work. + +As it was shorter by four miles across the country than by the road, +Andy pursued the former course; and as he knew the country well, the +shades of evening, which were now closing round, did not deter him in +the least. Andy was not very fresh for the journey to be sure, for he +had ridden upwards of thirty miles that day, so the merry whistle, which +is so constantly heard from the lively Irish pedestrian, did not while +away the tedium of his walk. It was night when Andy was breasting up a +low ridge of hills, which lay between him and the end of his journey; +and when in silence and darkness he topped the ascent, he threw himself +on some heather to rest and take breath. His attention was suddenly +caught by a small blue flame, which flickered now and then on the face +of the hill, not very far from him; and Andy's fears of fairies and +goblins came crowding upon him thick and fast. He wished to rise, but +could not; his eye continued to be strained with the fascination of fear +in the direction he saw the fire, and sought to pierce the gloom through +which, at intervals, the small point of flame flashed brightly and sunk +again, making the darkness seem deeper. Andy lay in perfect stillness, +and in the silence, which was unbroken even by his own breathing, he +thought he heard voices underground. He trembled from head to foot, +for he was certain they were the voices of the fairies, whom he firmly +believed to inhabit the hills. + +"Oh! murdher, what'll I do?" thought Andy to himself: "sure I heerd +often, if once you were within the sound of their voices, you could +never get out o' their power. Oh! if I could only say a _pather_ and +_ave_, but I forget my prayers with the fright. Hail, Mary! The king +o' the fairies lives in these hills, I know--and his house is undher +me this minit, and I on the roof of it--I'll never get down again--I'll +never get down again--they'll make me slater to the fairies; and sure +enough I remember me, the hill is all covered with flat stones they call +fairy slates. Oh! I am ruined--God be praised!" Here he blessed himself, +and laid his head close to the earth. "Guardian angels--I hear their +voices singin' a dhrinking song--Oh! if I had a dhrop o' water myself, +for my mouth is as dhry as a lime-burner's wig--and I on the top o' +their house--see--there's the little blaze again--I wondher is their +chimbley afire--Oh! murther, I'll die o' thirst--Oh! if I had only +one dhrop o' wather--I wish it would rain or hail--Hail, Mary, full o' +grace--whisht! what's that?" Andy crouched lower than before, as he saw +a figure rise from the earth, and attain a height which Andy computed +to be something about twenty feet; his heart shrank to the size of a +nut-shell, as he beheld the monster expand to his full dimensions; and +at the same moment, a second, equally large, emerged from the ground. + +Now, as fairies are notoriously little people, Andy changed his opinion +of the parties into whose power he had fallen, and saw clearly they were +giants, not fairies, of whom he was about to become the victim. He +would have ejaculated a prayer for mercy, had not terror rendered him +speechless, as the remembrance of all the giants he had ever heard of, +from the days of Jack and the Bean-stalk down, came into his head; but +though his sense of speaking was gone, that of hearing was painfully +acute, and he heard one of the giants say-- + +"That pot is not big enough." + +"Oh! it howlds as much as we want," replied the other. + +"O Lord," thought Andy; "they've got their pot ready for cooking." + +"What keeps him?" said the first giant. + +"Oh! he's not far off," said the second. + +A clammy shivering came over Andy. + +"I'm hungry," said the first, and he hiccupped as he spoke. + +"It's only a false appetite you have," said the second, "you're drunk." + +This was a new light to Andy, for he thought giants were too strong to +get drunk. "I could ate a young child, without parsley and butther," +said the drunken giant. Andy gave a faint spasmodic kick. + +"And it's as hot as ---- down there," said the giant. + +Andy trembled at the horrid word he heard. + +"No wonder," said the second giant; "for I can see the flame popping out +at the top of the chimbley; that's bad: I hope no one will see it, or +it might give them warning. Bad luck to that young divil for making the +fire so sthrong." + +What a dreadful hearing this was for Andy: young devils to make their +fires; there was no doubt what place they were dwelling in. "Thunder and +turf!" said the drunken giant; "I wish I had a slice of--" + +Andy did not hear what he wished a slice of, for the night wind +swept across the heath at the moment, and carried away the monster's +disgusting words on its pure breath. + +"Well, I'd rather have--" said the other giant; and again Andy lost what +his atrocious desires were--"than all the other slices in the world. +What a lovely round shoulder she has, and the nice round ankle of her--" + +The word "ankle" showed at once it was a woman of whom he spoke, and +Andy shuddered. "The monsters! to eat a woman." + +"What a fool you are to be in love," said the drunken giant with several +hiccups, showing the increase of his inebriation. + +"Is that what the brutes call love," thought Andy, "to ate a woman?" + +"I wish she was bone of my bone and flesh of my flesh," said the second +giant. Of this speech Andy heard only "bone" and "flesh," and had great +difficulty in maintaining the serenity of his diaphragm. + +The conversation of the giants was now more frequently interrupted by +the wind which was rising, and only broken sentences reached Andy, whose +senses became clearer the longer he remained in a state of safety; +at last he heard the name of Squire Egan distinctly pass between the +giants. + +"So they know Squire Egan," thought Andy. + +The first giant gave a drunken laugh at the mention of Squire Egan's +name, and exclaimed-- + +"Don't be afraid of him (_hiccup_); I have him undher my thumb +(_hiccup_). I can crush him when I plase." + +"O! my poor owld masther!" mentally ejaculated Andy. + +Another break in their conversation occurred, and the next name Andy +overheard was "O'Grady." + +"The big bully!" said the second giant. + +"They know the whole country," thought Andy. + +"But tell me, what was that you said to him at the election?" said the +drunken one. + +The word "election" recalled Andy to the business of this earth back +again; and it struck upon his hitherto bewildered sensorium that giants +could have nothing to do with elections, and he knew he never saw +them there; and, as the thought struck him, it seemed as if the giants +diminished in size, and did not appear _quite_ so big. + +"Sure you know," said the second. + +"Well, I'd like to hear it again," said the drunken one (_hiccup_). + +"The big bully says to me, 'Have you a lease?' says he; 'No,' says I; +'but I have an article!' 'What article?' says he; 'It's a fine brass +blunderbuss,' says I, 'and _I'd like to see the man would dispute the +title!_'" + +The drunken listener chuckled, and the words broke the spell of +supernatural terror which had hung over Andy; he knew, by the words of +the speaker, it was the bully joker of the election was present, +who browbeat O'Grady and out-quibbled the agent about the oath of +allegiance; and the voice of the other he soon recognised for that of +Larry Hogan. So now his giants were diminished into mortal men--the pot, +which had been mentioned to the terror of his soul, was for the making +of whisky instead of human broth--and the "hell" he thought his giants +inhabited was but a private still. Andy felt as if a mountain had been +lifted from his heart when he found it was but mortals he had to deal +with; for Andy was not deficient in courage when it was but thews +and sinews like his own he had to encounter. He still lay concealed, +however, for smugglers might not wish their private haunt to be +discovered, and it was possible Andy would be voted one too many in the +company should he announce himself; and with such odds as two to one +against him he thought he had better be quiet. Besides, his curiosity +became excited when he found them speaking of his old master, Egan, and +his present one, O'Grady; and as a woman had been alluded to, and odd +words caught up here and there, he became anxious to hear more of their +conversation. + +"So you're in love," said Larry, with a hiccup, to our friend of the +blunderbuss; "ha! ha! ha! you big fool." + +"Well, you old thief, don't you like a purty girl yourself?" + +"I did, when I was young and foolish." + +"'Faith, then, you're young and foolish at that rate yet, for you're a +rogue with the girls, Larry," said the other, giving him a slap on the +back. + +"Not I! not I!" said Larry, in a manner expressive of his not being +displeased with the charge of gallantry; "he! he! he!--how do you know, +eh?" (_Hiccup_.) "Sure, I know myself; but as I wos telling you, if I +could only lay howld of--" here his voice became inaudible to Andy, and +the rest of the sentence was lost. + +Andy's curiosity was great. "Who could the girl be?" + +"And you'd carry her off?" said Larry. + +"I would," said the other; "I'm only afraid o' Squire Egan." + +At this announcement of the intention of "carrying her off," coupled +with the fear of "Squire Egan," Andy's anxiety to hear the name of the +person became so intense that he crawled cautiously a little nearer to +the speakers. + +"I tell you again," said Larry, "I can settle _him_ aisy +(_hiccup_)--he's undher my thumb (_hiccup_)." + +"Be aisy," said the other, contemptuously, who thought this was a mere +drunken delusion of Larry's. + +"I tell you I'm his masther!" said Larry, with a drunken flourish of his +arm; and he continued bragging of his power over the Squire in various +ejaculations, the exact meaning of which our friend of the blunderbuss +could not fathom, but Andy heard enough to show him that the discovery +of the post-office affair was what Larry alluded to. + +That Larry, a close, cunning, circumventing rascal, should so far betray +the source of his power over Egan may seem strange; but be it remembered +Larry was drunk, a state of weakness which his caution generally guarded +him from falling into, but which being in, his foible was bragging of +his influence, and so running the risk of losing it. + +The men continued to talk together for some time, and the tenour of the +conversation was, that Larry assured his companion he might carry off +the girl without fear of Egan, but her name Andy could not discover. His +own name he heard more than once, and voluptuous raptures poured forth +about lovely lips and hips and ankles from the herculean knight of the +blunderbuss, amidst the maudlin admiration and hiccups of Larry, who +continued to brag of his power, and profess his readiness to stand by +his friend in carrying off the girl. + +"Then," said the Hercules, with an oath, "I'll soon have you in my arms, +my lovely--" + +The name was lost again. + +Their colloquy was now interrupted by the approach of a man and woman, +the former being the person for whose appearance Larry made so many +inquiries when he first appeared to Andy as the hungry giant; the other +was the sister of the knight of the blunderbuss. Larry having hiccupped +his anger against the man for making them wait so long for the bacon, +the woman said he should not wait longer without his supper now, +for that she would go down and fry the rashers immediately. She then +disappeared through the ground, and the men all followed. + +Andy drew his breath freely once more, and with caution raised himself +gradually from the ground with a careful circumspection, lest any of the +subterranean community might be watchers on the hill; and when he was +satisfied he was free from observation, he stole away from the spot +with stealthy steps for about twenty paces, and there, as well as the +darkness would permit, after taking such landmarks as would help him to +retrace his way to the still, if requisite, he dashed down the hill at +the top of his speed. This pace he did not moderate until he had placed +nearly a mile between him and the scene of his adventure; he then paced +slowly to regain his breath. His head was in a strange whirl; mischief +was threatened against some one of whose name he was ignorant; Squire +Egan was declared to be in the power of an old rascal; this grieved Andy +most of all, for he felt _he_ was the cause of his old master's dilemma. + +"Oh! to think I should bring him into trouble," said Andy, "the kind +and good masther he was to me ever, and I live to tell it like a +blackguard--throth I'd rather be hanged any day than the masther would +come to throuble--maybe if I gave myself up and was hanged like a man +at once, that would settle it; 'faith, if I thought it would, I'd do it +sooner than Squire Egan should come to throuble!" and poor Andy spoke +just what he felt. "Or would it do to kill that blackguard Hogan? _sure +they could do no more than hang me afther_, and that would save the +masther, and be all one to me, for they often towld me I'd be hanged. +[1] But then there's my sowl," said Andy, and he paused at the +thought--, "if they hanged me for the letthers, it would be only for a +mistake, and sure then I'd have a chance o' glory; for sure I might go +to glory through a mistake; but if I killed a man on purpose, sure it +would be slappin' the gates of Heaven in my own face. Faix, I'll spake +to Father Blake about it." [2] + +[1][Footnote: How often has the sanguinary penal code of past years +suggested this reflection and provoked the guilt it was meant to +awe! Happily, now our laws are milder, and more protective from their +mildness.] + +[2][Footnote: In the foregoing passage, Andy stumbles on uttering a +quaint pleasantry, for it is partly true as well as droll--the notion of +a man gaining Paradise through a mistake. Our intentions too seldom lead +us there, but rather tend the other way, for a certain place is said +to be paved with "good" ones, and surely "bad" ones would not lead us +upwards. Then the phrase of a man "slapping the gates of Heaven in his +own face," is one of those wild poetic figures of speech in which +the Irish peasantry often indulge. The phrase "slapping the door" is +every-day and common; but when applied to "the gates of Heaven," and +"in a man's own face," the common phrase becomes fine. But how often +the commonest things become poetry by the fitness of their application, +though poetasters and people of small minds think greatness of thought +lies in big words.] + + + + +CHAPTER XXVI + + +The following day was that eventful one which should witness the return +of either Edward Egan, Esq., or the Honourable Sackville Scatterbrain as +member for the county. There was no doubt in any reasonable man's mind +as to the real majority of Egan, but the numbers were sufficiently close +to give the sheriff an opportunity of doing a bit of business to +oblige his friends, and therefore he declared the Honourable Sackville +Scatterbrain duly elected. Great was the uproar; the people hissed, +and hooted, and groaned, for which the Honourable Sackville very +good-naturedly returned them his thanks. Murphy snapped his fingers in +the sheriff's face, and told them his honourable friend should not long +remain member, for that he must be unseated on petition, and that he +would prove the return most corrupt, with which words he again snapped +his fingers in the sheriff's face. + +The sheriff threatened to read the riot act if such conduct was +repeated. + +Egan took off his hat, and thanked him for his _honourable, upright, +and impartial_ conduct, whereupon all Egan's friends took off their hats +also, and made profound bows to the functionary, and then laughed most +uproariously. Counter laughs were returned from the opposite party, who +begged to remind the Eganites of the old saying, "that they might laugh +who win." A cross-fire of sarcasms was kept up amidst the two parties +as they were crushing forward out of the courthouse; and at the door, +before entering his carriage, Scatterbrain very politely addressed Egan, +and trusted that, though they had met as rivals on the hustings, they +nevertheless parted friends, and expressing the highest respect for the +squire, offered his hand in amity. + +Egan, equally good-hearted as his opponent, shook his hand cordially; +declaring he attributed to him none of the blame which attached to other +persons. "Besides, my dear sir," said Egan, laughing, "I should be a +very ill-natured person to grudge you so small an indulgence as being +member of parliament _for a month or so_." + +Scatterbrain returned the laugh, good-humouredly, and replied that, "at +all events, he _had_ the seat." + +"Yes, my dear sir," said Egan, "and make the most of it _while_ you +have it. In short, I shall owe you an obligation when I go over to St. +Stephen's, for you will have just _aired my seat_ for me--good bye." + +They parted with smiles, and drove to their respective homes; but as +even doubtful possession is preferable to expectation for the time +being, it is certain that Neck-or-Nothing Hall rang with more merriment +that night on the reality of the present, than Merryvale did on the hope +of the future. + +Even O'Grady, as he lay with his wounded arm on the sofa, found more +healing in the triumph of the hour than from all the medicaments of the +foregoing week, and insisted on going down-stairs and joining the party +at supper. + +"Gusty, dear," said his wife, "you know the doctor said--" + +"Hang the doctor!" + +"Your arm, my love." + +"I wish you'd leave off pitying my arm, and have some compassion on my +stomach." + +"The doctor said--" + +"There are oysters in the house; I'll do myself more good by the use of +an oyster-knife than all the lancets in the College of Surgeons." + +"But your wound, dear?" + +"Are they Carlingfords or Poldoodies?" + +"So fresh, love." + +"So much the better." + +"Your wound I mean, dear?" + +"Nicely opened." + +"Only dressed an hour ago?" + +"With some mustard, pepper, and vinegar." + +"Indeed, Gusty, if you take my advice--" + +"I'd rather have oysters any day." + +O'Grady sat up on the sofa as he spoke and requested his wife to say no +more about the matter, but put on his cravat. While she was getting it +from his wardrobe, his mind wandered from supper to the pension, +which he looked upon as secure now that Scatterbrain was returned; and +oyster-banks gave place to the Bank of Ireland, which rose in a pleasing +image before O'Grady's imagination. The wife now returned with the +cravat, still dreading the result of eating to her husband, and her mind +occupied wholly with the thought of supper, while O'Grady was wrapt in +visions of a pension. + +"You won't take it, Gusty, dear," said his wife with all the insinuation +of manner she could command. + +"Won't I, 'faith?" said O'Grady. "Maybe you think I don't want it?" + +"Indeed, I don't, dear." + +"Are you mad, woman? Is it taking leave of the few senses you ever had +you are?" + +"'T won't agree with you." + +"Won't it? just wait till I'm tried." + +"Well, love, how much do you expect to be allowed?" + +"Why I can't expect much just yet--we must begin gently--feel the pulse +first; but I should hope, by way of start, that six or seven hundred--" + +"Gracious Heaven!" exclaimed his wife, dropping the cravat from her +hands. "What the devil is the woman shouting at?" said O'Grady. + +"Six or seven hundred!!!" exclaimed Mrs. O'Grady; "my dear, there's not +as much in the house." + +"No, nor has not been for many a long day; I know that as well as you," +said O'Grady; "but I hope we shall get as much for all that." + +"My dear, where could you get them?" asked the wife, timidly, who began +to think his head was a little light. + +"From the treasury, to be sure." + +"The treasury, my dear?" said the wife, still at fault; "how could you +get oysters from the treasury?" + +"Oysters!" exclaimed O'Grady, whose turn it was now to wonder, "who +talks of oysters?" + +"My dear, I thought you said you'd eat six or seven hundred of oysters!" + +"Pooh! pooh! woman; it is of the pension I'm talking--six or seven +hundred pounds--pounds--cash--per annum; now I suppose you'll put on my +cravat. I think a man may be allowed to eat his supper who expects six +hundred a year." + +A great many people besides O'Grady order suppers, and dinners too, on +the expectation of less than six hundred a year. Perhaps there is no +more active agent for sending people into the Insolvent Court than the +aforesaid "_expectation_." + +O'Grady went down-stairs, and was heartily welcomed by Scatterbrain on +his re-appearance from his sick-room; but Mrs. O'Grady suggested that, +for fear any excess would send him back there for a longer time, a +very moderate indulgence at the table should suffice. She begged the +honourable member to back her argument, which he did; and O'Grady +promised temperance, but begged the immediate appearance of the oysters, +for he experienced that eager desire which delicate health so often +prompts for some particular food. + +Andy was laying the table at the time, and was ordered to expedite +matters as much as possible. + +"Yis, ma'am." + +"You're sure the oysters are all good, Andy?" + +"Sartin, ma'am." + +"Because the last oysters you know--" + +"Oh, yis, ma'am--were bad, ma'am--bekase they had their mouths all open. +I remember, ma'am; but when I'm towld a thing once, I never forget it +again; and you towld me when they opened their mouths once they were no +good. So you see, ma'am, I'll never bring up bad oysthers again, ma'am." + +"Very good, Andy; and you have kept them in a cool place, I hope." + +"Faix, they're cowld enough where I put them, ma'am." + +"Very well; bring them up at once." + +Off went Andy, and returned with all the haste he could with a large +dish heaped up with oysters. + +O'Grady rubbed his hands with the impatience of a true lover of the +crustaceous delicacy, and Scatterbrain, eager to help him, flourished +his oyster-knife; but before he had time to commence operations the +olfactory nerves of the company gave evidence that the oysters were +rather suspicious; every one began sniffing, and a universal "Oh dear!" +ran round the table. + +"Don't you smell it, Furlong?" said Scatterbrain, who was so lost in +looking at Augusta's mustachios that he did not mind anything else. + +"Isn't it horrid?" said O'Grady, with a look of disgust. + +Furlong thought he alluded to the mustachio, and replied with an +assurance that he "liked it of all things." + +"Like it?" said O'Grady; "you've a queer taste. What do _you_ think of +it, miss?" added he to Augusta, "it's just under your nose." Furlong +thought this rather personal, even from a father. + +"I'll try my knife on one," said Scatterbrain, with a flourish of the +oyster-knife, which Furlong thought resembled the preliminary trial of a +barber's razor. + +Furlong thought this worse than O'Grady; but he hesitated to reply to +his chief, and an _honourable_ into the bargain. + +In the meantime, Scatterbrain opened an oyster, which Furlong, in his +embarrassment and annoyance, did not perceive. + +"Cut off the beard," said O'Grady, "I don't like it." + +This nearly made Furlong speak, but, considering O'Grady's temper +and ill-health, he hesitated, till he saw Augusta rubbing her eye, in +consequence of a small splinter of the oyster-shell having struck it +from Scatterbrain's mismanagement of his knife; but Furlong thought she +was crying, and then he could be silent no longer; he went over to where +she sat, and with a very affectionate demonstration in his action, said, +"Never mind them, dear Gussy--never mind--don't cwy--I love her dear +little moustachios, I do." He gave a gentle pat on the back of the neck +as he spoke, and it was returned by an uncommonly smart box on the ear +from the young lady, and the whole party looked thunderstruck. "Dear +Gussy" cried for spite, and stamped her way out of the room, followed by +Furlong. + +"Let them go," said O'Grady; "they'll make it up outside." + +"These oysters are all bad," said Scatterbrain. + +O'Grady began to swear at his disappointment--he had set his heart on +oysters. Mrs. O'Grady rang the bell--Andy appeared. + +"How dare you bring up such oysters as these?" roared O'Grady. + +"The misthris ordhered them, sir." + +"I told you never to bring up bad oysters," said she. + +"Them's not bad, ma'am," said Andy, + +"Have you a nose?" says O'Grady. + +"Yes, sir." + +"And can't you smell them, then?" + +"Faix, I smelt them for the last three days, sir." + +"And how could you say they were good, then?" asked his mistress. + +"Sure you tould me, ma'am, that if they didn't open their mouths they +were good, and I'll be on my book oath them oysters never opened their +mouths since I had them, for I laid them on a coolflag in the kitchen +and put the jack-weight over them." + +Notwithstanding O'Grady's rage, Scatterbrain could not help roaring with +laughter at Andy's novel contrivance for keeping oysters fresh. Andy +was desired to take the "ancient and fish-like smell" out of the room, +amidst jeers and abuse; and, as he fumbled his way to the kitchen in +the dark, lamenting the hard fate of servants, who can never give +satisfaction, though they do everything they are bid, he went head over +heels down-stairs, which event was reported to the whole house as soon +as it happened, by the enormous clatter of the broken dish, the oysters, +and Andy, as they all rolled one over the other to the bottom. + +O'Grady, having missed the cool supper he intended, and had longed for, +was put into a rage by the disappointment; and as hunger with O'Grady +was only to be appeased by broiled bones, accordingly, against all the +endeavours of everybody, the bells rang violently through the house, and +the ogre-like cry of "broiled bones!" resounded high and low. + +The reader is sufficiently well acquainted with O'Grady by this time to +know, that of course, when once he had determined to have his broiled +bone, nothing on the face of the earth could prevent it but the want +of anything to broil, or the immediate want of his teeth; and as his +masticators were in order, and something in the house which could carry +mustard and pepper, the invalid primed and loaded himself with as much +combustible matter as exploded in a fever the next day. + +The supper-party, however, in the hope of getting him to bed, separated +soon; and as Scatterbrain and Furlong were to start early in the morning +for Dublin, the necessity of their retiring to rest was pleaded. The +honourable member had not been long in his room when he heard a tap at +his door, and his order to "come in" was followed by the appearance of +Handy Andy. + +"I found somethin' on the road nigh the town to-day, sir, and I thought +it might be yours, maybe," said Andy, producing a small pocket-book. + +The honourable member disavowed the ownership. + +"Well, there's something else I want to speak to your honour about." + +"What is it, Handy?" + +"I want your honour to see the account of the money your honour gave me +that I spint at the _shebeen_ [Footnote: Low publick house.] upon the +'lecthors that couldn't be accommodated at Mrs. Fay's." + +"Oh! never mind it, Andy; if there's anything over, keep it yourself." + +"Thank your honour, but I must make the account all the same, if +you plaze, for I'm going to Father Blake, to my duty, [Footnote: +Confession.] soon, and I must have my conscience as clear as I can, and +I wouldn't like to be keeping money back." + +"But if I give you the money, what matter?" + +"I'd rather you'd just look over this little bit of a count, if you +plaze," said Andy, producing a dirty piece of paper, with some nearly +inscrutable hieroglyphics upon it. Scatterbrain commenced an examination +of this literary phenomenon from sheer curiosity, asking Andy at the +same time if _he_ wrote it. + +"Yis, sir," said Andy; "but you see the man couldn't keep the count of +the piper's dhrink at all, it was so confusin', and so I was obliged to +pay him for that every time the piper dhrunk, and keep it separate, and +the 'lecthors that got their dinner afther the bill was made out I put +down myself too, and that's it you see, sir, both ating and dhrinkin'." + + To Dhrinkin A blind piper everry day + wan and in Pens six dais 0 16 6 + To atein four Tin Illikthurs And Thare 1 8 8 + horses on Chewsdai 0 14 0 + --------- + Toe til 2 19 4 + Lan lord Bil For All Be four 7 17 8-1/2 + --------- + 10 18 12-1/2 + +"Then I owe you money, instead of your having a balance in hand, Andy," +said the member. + +"Oh, no matter, your honour; it's not for that I showed you the +account." + +"It's very like it, though," said Scatterbrain, laughing; "here, Andy, +here are a couple of pounds for you, take them, Andy--take it and be +off; your bill is worth the money," and Scatterbrain closed the door on +the great accountant. + +Andy next went to Furlong's room, to know if the pocket-book belonged +to him; it did not, but Furlong, though he disclaimed the ownership, had +that small curiosity which prompts little minds to pry into what does +not belong to them, and taking the pocket-book into his hands, he opened +it, and fumbled over its leaves; in the doing of which a small piece of +folded paper fell from one of the pockets unnoticed by the impertinent +inquisitor or Andy, to whom he returned the book when he had gratified +his senseless curiosity. Andy withdrew, Furlong retired to rest; and as +it was in the grey of an autumnal morning he dressed himself, the paper +still remained unobserved: so that the housemaid, on setting the room +to rights, found it, and fancying Miss Augusta was the proper person to +confide Mr. Furlong's stray papers to, she handed that young lady the +manuscript which bore the following copy of verses:-- + +I CAN NE'ER FORGET THEE + +I + + It is the chime, the hour draws near + When you and I must sever; + Alas, it must be many a year, + And it _may_ be for ever! + How long till we shall meet again! + How short since first I met thee! + How brief the bliss--how long the pain-- + For I can ne'er forget thee. + +II + + You said my heart was cold and stern; + You doubted love when strongest: + In future days you'll live to learn + Proud hearts can love the longest. + Oh! sometimes think, when press'd to hear, + When flippant tongues beset thee, + That _all_ must love thee, when thou'rt near, + But _one_ will ne'er forget thee! + +III + + The changeful sand doth only know + The shallow tide and latest; + The rocks have mark'd its highest flow, + The deepest and the greatest; + And deeper still the flood-marks grow:-- + So, since the hour I met thee, + The more the tide of time doth flow, + The less can I forget thee! + +When Augusta saw the lines, she was charmed. She discovered her Furlong +to be a poet! That the lines were his there was no doubt--they were +_found in his room,_ and of course they _must_ be his, just as partial +critics say certain Irish airs must be English, because they are to be +found in Queen Elizabeth's music-book. + +Augusta was so charmed with the lines that she amused herself for a long +time in hiding them under the sofa-cushion and making her pet dog find +and fetch them. Her pleasure, however, was interrupted by her sister +Charlotte remarking, when the lines were shown to her in triumph, that +the writing was not Furlong's, but in a lady's hand. + +Even as beer is suddenly soured by thunder, so the electric influence +of Charlotte's words converted all Augusta had been brewing to acidity; +jealousy stung her like a wasp, and she boxed her dog's ears as he was +barking for another run with the verses. + +"A _lady's_ hand?" said Augusta, snatching the paper from her sister; "I +declare if it ain't! the wretch--so he receives lines from ladies." + +"I think I know the hand, too," said Charlotte. + +"You do?" exclaimed Augusta, with flashing eyes. + +"Yes, I'm certain it is Fanny Dawson's writing." + +"So it is," said Augusta, looking at the paper as if her eyes could have +burnt it; "to be sure--he was there before he came here." + +"Only for two days," said Charlotte, trying to slake the flame she had +raised. + +"But I've heard that girl always makes conquests at first sight," +returned Augusta, half crying; "and what do I see here? some words in +pencil." + +The words were so faint as to be scarcely perceptible, but Augusta +deciphered them; they were written on the margin, beside a circumflex +which embraced the last four lines of the second verse, so that it stood +thus:-- + +[Sidenote: Dearest, I will.] + + Oh! sometimes think, when press'd to hear, + When flippant tongues beset thee, + That _all_ must love thee when thou'rt near, + But _one_ will ne'er forget thee! + +"Will you, indeed?" said Augusta, crushing the paper in her hand, and +biting it; "but I must not destroy it--I must keep it to prove his +treachery to his face." She threw herself on the sofa as she spoke, and +gave vent to an outpour of spiteful tears. + + + + +CHAPTER XXVII + + +How many chapters have been written about love verses--and how many +more might be written!--might, would, could, should, or ought to be +written!--I will venture to say, _will_ be written! I have a mind to +fulfil my own prophecy and write one myself; but no--my story must go +on. However, I _will_ say, that it is quite curious in how many ways the +same little bit of paper may influence different people: the poem whose +literary merit may be small becomes precious when some valued hand has +transcribed the lines; and the verses whose measure and meaning viewed +in type might win favour and yield pleasure, shoot poison from their +very sweetness, when read in some particular hand and under particular +circumstances. It was so with the copy of verses Augusta had just +read--they were Fanny Dawson's manuscript--that was certain--and found +in the room of Augusta's lover; therefore Augusta was wretched. But +these same lines had given exquisite pleasure to another person, who was +now nearly as miserable as Augusta in having lost them. It is possible +the reader guesses that person to be Edward O'Connor, for it was he who +had lost the pocket-book in which those (to him) precious lines were +contained; and if the little case had held all the bank-notes he ever +owned in his life, their loss would have been regarded less than that +bit of manuscript, which had often yielded _him_ the most exquisite +pleasure, and was now inflicting on Augusta the bitterest anguish. To +make this intelligible to the reader, it is necessary to explain under +what circumstances the lines were written. At one time, Edward, doubting +the likelihood of making his way at home, was about to go to India and +push his fortunes there; and at that period, those lines, breathing of +farewell--implying the dread of rivals during absence--and imploring +remembrance of his eternal love, were written and given to Fanny; and +she, with that delicacy of contrivance so peculiarly a woman's, hit upon +the expedient of copying his own verses and sending them to him in her +writing, as an indication that the spirit of the lines was her own. + +But Edward saw that his father, who was advanced in years, looked upon a +separation from his son as an eternal one, and the thought gave so +much pain, that Edward gave up the idea of expatriation. Shortly after, +however, the misunderstanding with Major Dawson took place, and Fanny +and Edward were as much severed as if dwelling in different zones. Under +such circumstances, those lines were peculiarly precious, and many a +kiss had Edward impressed upon them, though Augusta thought them fitter +for the exercise of her teeth than her lips. In fact, Edward did little +else than think of Fanny; and it is possible his passion might have +degenerated into mere love-sickness, and enfeebled him, had not +his desire of proving himself worthy of his mistress spurred him to +exertion, in the hope of future distinction. But still the tone of +tender lament pervaded all his poems, and the same pocket-book whence +the verses which caused so much commotion fell contained the following +also, showing how entirely Fanny possessed his heart and occupied his +thoughts:-- + +WHEN THE SUN SINKS TO REST + +I + + When the sun sinks to rest, + And the star of the west + Sheds its soft silver light o'er the sea; + What sweet thoughts arise, + As the dim twilight dies-- + For then I am thinking of thee! + Oh! then crowding fast + Come the joys of the past, + Through the dimness of days long gone by, + Like the stars peeping out, + Through the darkness about, + From the soft silent depth of the sky. + +II + + And thus, as the night + Grows more lovely and bright + With the clust'ring of planet and star, + So this darkness of mine + Wins a radiance divine + From the light that still lingers afar. + Then welcome the night, + With its soft holy light! + In its silence my heart is more free + The rude world to forget, + Where no pleasure I've met + Since the hour that I parted from thee. + +But we must leave love verses, and ask pardon for the few remarks which +the subject tempted, and pursue our story. + +The first prompting of Augusta's anger, when she had recovered her burst +of passion, was to write "_such a letter_" to Furlong--and she spent +half a day at the work; but she could not please herself--she tore +twenty at least, and determined, at last, not to write at all, but just +wait till he returned and overwhelm him with reproaches. But, though she +could not compose a letter, she composed herself by the endeavour, which +acted as a sort of safety-valve to let off the superabundant steam; +and it is wonderful how general is this result of sitting down to +write angry letters: people vent themselves of their spleen on the +uncomplaining paper, which silently receives words a listener would not. +With a pen for our second, desperate satisfaction is obtained with only +an effusion of ink, and when once the pent-up bitterness has oozed out +in all the blackness of that fluid--most appropriately made of the best +galls--the time so spent, and the "letting of words," if I may use the +phrase, has cooled our judgment and our passions together; and the +first letter is torn: 't is _too_ severe; we write a second; we blot and +interline till it is nearly illegible; we begin a third; till at last we +are tired out with our own angry feelings, and throw our scribbling by +with a "Pshaw! what's the use of it?" or, "It's not worth my notice;" +or, still better, arrive at the conclusion, that we preserve our own +dignity best by writing without temper, though we may be called upon to +be severe. + +Furlong at this time was on his road to Dublin in happy unconsciousness +of Augusta's rage against him, and planning what pretty little present +he should send her specially, for his head was naturally running on such +matters, as he had quantities of commissions to execute in the millinery +line for Mrs. O'Grady, who thought it high time to be getting up +Augusta's wedding-dresses, and Andy was to be despatched the following +day to Dublin to take charge of a cargo of bandboxes back from that city +to Neck-or-Nothing Hall. Furlong had received a thousand charges from +the ladies, "to be sure to lose no time" in doing his devoir in their +behalf, and he obeyed so strictly, and was so active in laying milliners +and mercers under contributions, that Andy was enabled to start the day +after his arrival, sorely against Andy's will, for he would gladly have +remained amidst the beauty and grandeur and wonders of Dublin, which +struck him dumb for the day he was amongst them, but gave him food for +conversation for many a day after. Furlong, after racking his invention +about the souvenir to his "dear Gussy," at length fixed on a fan, as the +most suitable gift; for Gussy had been quizzed at home about "blushing," +and all that sort of thing, and the puerile perceptions of the _attache_ +saw something very smart in sending her wherewith "to hide her blushes." +Then the fan was the very pink of fans; it had quivers and arrows upon +it, and bunches of hearts looped up in azure festoons, and doves perched +upon them; though Augusta's little sister, who was too young to know +what hearts and doves were, when she saw them for the first time, said +they were pretty little birds picking at apples. The fan was packed up +in a nice case, and then on scented note paper did the dear dandy +indite a bit of namby-pamby badinage to his fair one, which he thought +excessively clever:-- + +"DEAR DUCKY DARLING,--You know how naughty they are in quizzing you +about a little something, _I won't say what,_ you will guess, I dare +say--but I send you a little toy, _I won't say what,_ on which +Cupid might write this label after the doctor's fashion, 'To be used +occasionally, when the patient is much troubled with the symptoms.' + +"Ever, ever, ever yours, + +"P.S. Take care how you open it." + +"J.F." + +Such was the note that Handy Andy was given, with particular injunctions +to deliver it the first thing on his arrival at the Hall to Miss +Augusta, and to be sure to take most particular care of the little +case; all which Andy faithfully promised to do. But Andy's usual destiny +prevailed, and an unfortunate exchange of parcels quite upset all +Furlong's sweet little plan of his pretty present and his ingenious +note: for as Andy was just taking his departure, Furlong said he might +as well leave something for him at Reade's, the cutler, as he passed +through College Green, and he handed him a case of razors which wanted +setting, which Andy popped into his pocket, and as the fan case and that +of the razors were much of a size, and both folded up, Andy left the +fan at the cutler's and took the case of razors by way of present +to Augusta. Fancy the rage of a young lady with a very fine pair of +_moustachios_ getting such a souvenir from her lover, with a note, too, +every word of which applied to a beard and a razor, as patly as to a +blush and a fan--and this, too, when her jealousy was aroused and his +fidelity more than doubtful in her estimation. + +Great was the row in Neck-or-Nothing Hall; and when, after three days, +Furlong came down, the nature of his reception may be better imagined +than described. It was a difficult matter, through the storm which raged +around him, to explain all the circumstances satisfactorily, but, by +dint of hard work, the verses were at length disclaimed, the razors +disavowed, and Andy at last sent for to "clear matters up." + +Andy was a hopeful subject for such a purpose, and by his blundering +answers nearly set them all by the ears again; the upshot of the affair +was, that Andy, used as he was to good scoldings, never had such a +torrent of abuse poured on him in his life, and the affair ended in +Andy being dismissed from Neck-or-Nothing Hall on the instant; so he +relinquished his greasy livery for his own rags again, and trudged +homewards to his mother's cabin. + +"She'll be as mad as a hatter with me," said Andy; "bad luck to them for +razhirs, they cut me out o' my place: but I often heard cowld steel +is unlucky, and sure I know it now. Oh! but I'm always unfort'nate in +having cruked messages. Well, it can't be helped; and one good thing +at all events is, I'll have time enough now to go and spake to Father +Blake;" and with this sorry piece of satisfaction poor Andy contented +himself. + + + + +CHAPTER XXVIII + + +The Father Blake, of whom Andy spoke, was more familiarly known by the +name of Father Phil, by which title Andy himself would have named +him, had he been telling how Father Phil cleared a fair, or equally +"leathered" both the belligerent parties in a faction-fight, or turned +out the contents (or malcontents) of a public-house at an improper +hour; but when he spoke of his Reverence respecting ghostly matters, the +importance of the subject begot higher consideration for the man, and +the familiar "Father Phil" was dropped for the more respectful title +of Father Blake. By either title, or in whatever capacity, the +worthy Father had great influence over his parish, and there was a +free-and-easy way with him, even in doing the most solemn duties, which +agreed wonderfully with the devil-may-care spirit of Paddy. Stiff +and starched formality in any way is repugnant to the very nature of +Irishmen; and I believe one of the surest ways of converting all Ireland +from the Romish faith would be found, if we could only manage to have +her mass celebrated with the dry coldness of the Reformation. This may +seem ridiculous at first sight, and I grant it is a grotesque way of +viewing the subject, but yet there may be truth in it; and to consider +it for a moment seriously, look at the fact, that the north of Ireland +is the stronghold of Protestantism, and that the north is the _least_ +Irish portion of the island. There is a strong admixture of Scotch +there, and all who know the country will admit that there is nearly as +much difference between men from the north and south of Ireland as from +different countries. The Northerns retain much of the cold formality +and unbending hardness of the stranger-settlers from whom they are +descended, while the Southerns exhibit that warm-hearted, lively, and +poetical temperament for which the country is celebrated. The prevailing +national characteristics of Ireland are not to be found in the north, +where Protestantism flourishes; they are to be found in the south and +west, where it has never taken root. And though it has never seemed +to strike theologians, that in their very natures some people are more +adapted to receive one faith than another, yet I believe it to be true, +and perhaps not quite unworthy of consideration. There are forms, it is +true, and many in the Romish church, but they are not _cold_ forms, but +_attractive_ rather, to a sensitive people; besides, I believe those +very forms, when observed the least formally, are the most influential +on the Irish; and perhaps the splendours of a High Mass in the gorgeous +temple of the Holy City would appeal less to the affections of an Irish +peasant than the service he witnesses in some half-thatched ruin by a +lone hillside, familiarly hurried through by a priest who has sharpened +his appetite by a mountain ride of some fifteen miles, and is +saying mass (for the third time most likely) before breakfast, which +consummation of his morning's exercise he is anxious to arrive at. + +It was just in such a chapel, and under such circumstances, that Father +Blake was celebrating the mass at which Andy was present, and after +which he hoped to obtain a word of advice from the worthy Father, +who was much more sought after on such occasions than his more sedate +superior who presided over the spiritual welfare of the parish--and +whose solemn celebration of the mass was by no means so agreeable as the +lighter service of Father Phil. The Rev. Dominick Dowling was +austere and long-winded; _his_ mass had an oppressive effect on his +congregation, and from the kneeling multitude might be seen eyes +fearfully looking up from under bent brows, and low breathings and +subdued groans often rose above the silence of his congregation, who +felt like sinners, and whose imaginations were filled with the thoughts +of Heaven's anger; while the good-humoured face of the light-hearted +Father Phil produced a corresponding brightness on the looks of his +hearers, who turned up their whole faces in trustfulness to the mercy of +that Heaven whose propitiatory offering their pastor was making for them +in cheerful tones, which associated well with thoughts of pardon and +salvation. + +Father Dominick poured forth his spiritual influence like a strong dark +stream that swept down the hearer--hopelessly struggling to keep his +head above the torrent, and dreading to be overwhelmed at the next +word. Father Phil's religion bubbled out like a mountain rill--bright, +musical, and refreshing. Father Dominick's people had decidedly need of +cork jackets; Father Phil's might drink and be refreshed. + +But with all this intrinsic worth, he was, at the same time, a strange +man in exterior manners; for, with an abundance of real piety, he had +an abruptness of delivery and a strange way of mixing up an occasional +remark to his congregation in the midst of the celebration of the mass, +which might well startle a stranger; but this very want of formality +made him beloved by the people, and they would do ten times as much for +Father Phil as for Father Dominick. + +On the Sunday in question, when Andy attended the chapel, Father Phil +intended delivering an address to his flock from the altar, urging them +to the necessity of bestirring themselves in the repairs of the chapel, +which was in a very dilapidated condition, and at one end let in the +rain through its worn-out thatch. A subscription was necessary; and +to raise this among a very impoverished people was no easy matter. The +weather happened to be unfavourable, which was most favourable to Father +Phil's purpose, for the rain dropped its arguments through the roof upon +the kneeling people below in the most convincing manner; and as they +endeavoured to get out of the wet, they pressed round the altar as +much as they could, for which they were reproved very smartly by +his Reverence in the very midst of the mass, and these interruptions +occurred sometimes in the most serious places, producing a ludicrous +effect, of which the worthy Father was quite unconscious in his great +anxiety to make the people repair the chapel. + +A big woman was elbowing her way towards the rails of the altar, +and Father Phil, casting a sidelong glance at her, sent her to the +right-about, while he interrupted his appeal to Heaven to address her +thus:--_"Agnus Dei_--you'd better jump over the rails of the althar, I +think. Go along out o' that, there's plenty o' room in the chapel below +there." + +Then he would turn to the altar, and proceed with the service, till +turning again to the congregation he perceived some fresh offender. + +_"Orate, fratres!_--will you mind what I say to you and go along out of +that? there's room below there. Thrue for you, Mrs. Finn--it's a shame +for him to be thramplin' on you. Go along, Darby Casy, down there, and +kneel in the rain; it's a pity you haven't a dacent woman's cloak undher +you indeed!--_Orate, fratres!_" + +Then would the service proceed again, and while he prayed in silence at +the altar, the shuffling of feet edging out of the rain would disturb +him, and casting a backward glance, he would say-- + +"I hear you there--can't you be quiet and not be disturbin' the mass, +you haythens?" + +Again he proceeded in silence, till the crying of a child interrupted +him. He looked round quickly. + +"You'd better kill the child, I think, thramplin' on him, Lavery. Go +out o' that--your conduct is scandalous--_Dominus vobiscum!_" Again he +turned to pray, and after some time he made an interval in the service +to address his congregation on the subject of the repairs, and produced +a paper containing the names of subscribers to that pious work who had +already contributed, by way of example to those who had not. + +"Here it is," said Father Phil, "here it is, and no denying it--down +in black and white; but if they who give are down in black, how much +blacker are those who have not given at all!--but I hope they will +be ashamed of themselves when I howld up those to honour who have +contributed to the uphowlding of the house of God. And isn't it +ashamed o' yourselves you ought to be, to leave His house in such a +condition--and doesn't it rain a'most every Sunday, as if He wished to +remind you of your duty? aren't you wet to the skin a'most every Sunday? +Oh, God is good to you! to put you in mind of your duty, giving you such +bitther cowlds that you are coughing and sneezin' every Sunday to that +degree that you can't hear the blessed mass for a comfort and a benefit +to you; and so you'll go on sneezin' until you put a good thatch on the +place, and prevent the appearance of the evidence from Heaven against +you every Sunday, which is condemning you before your faces, and behind +your backs too, for don't I see this minit a strame o' wather that might +turn a mill running down Micky Mackavoy's back, between the collar of +his coat and his shirt?" + +Here a laugh ensued at the expense of Micky Mackavoy, who certainly +_was_ under a very heavy drip from the imperfect roof. + +"And is it laughing you are, you haythens?" said Father Phil, reproving +the merriment which he himself had purposely created, _that he +might reprove it_. "Laughing is it you are--at your backslidings and +insensibility to the honour of God--laughing, because when you come here +to be _saved_ you are _lost_ intirely with the wet; and how, I ask you, +are my words of comfort to enter your hearts, when the rain is pouring +down your backs at the same time? Sure I have no chance of turning your +hearts while you are undher rain that might turn a mill--but once put a +good roof on the house, and I will inundate you with piety! Maybe it's +Father Dominick you would like to have coming among you, who would grind +your hearts to powdher with his heavy words." (Here a low murmur of +dissent ran through the throng.) "Ha! ha! so you wouldn't like it, I +see. Very well, very well--take care then, for if I find you insensible +to my moderate reproofs, you hard-hearted haythens--you malefacthors and +cruel persecuthors, that won't put your hands in your pockets, because +your mild and quiet poor fool of a pasthor has no tongue in his head!--I +say your mild, quiet, poor fool of a pasthor (for I know my own faults, +partly, God forgive me!), and I can't spake to you as you deserve, you +hard-living vagabones, that are as insensible to your duties as you are +to the weather. I wish it was sugar or salt you were made of, and then +the rain might melt you if I couldn't: but no--them naked rafthers grin +in your face to no purpose--you chate the house of God; but take care, +maybe you won't chate the divil so aisy"--(here there was a sensation). +"Ha! ha! that makes you open your ears, does it? More shame for you; +you ought to despise that dirty enemy of man, and depend on something +betther--but I see I must call you to a sense of your situation with +the bottomless pit undher you, and no roof over you. Oh dear! dear! +dear!--I'm ashamed of you--troth, if I had time and sthraw enough, I'd +rather thatch the place myself than lose my time talking to you; sure +the place is more like a stable than a chapel. Oh, think of that!--the +house of God to be like a stable!--for though our Redeemer, in his +humility, was born in a stable, that is no reason why you are to keep +his house always like one. + +"And now I will read you the list of subscribers, and it will make you +ashamed when you hear the names of several good and worthy Protestants +in the parish, and out of it, too, who have given more than the +Catholics." + +He then proceeded to read the following list, which he interlarded +copiously with observations of his own; making _viva voce_ marginal +notes as it were upon the subscribers, which were not unfrequently +answered by the persons so noticed, from the body of the chapel, and +laughter was often the consequence of these rejoinders, which Father +Phil never permitted to pass without a retort. Nor must all this be +considered in the least irreverent. A certain period is allowed between +two particular portions of the mass, when the priest may address his +congregation on any public matter: an approaching pattern, or fair, or +the like; in which, exhortations to propriety of conduct, or warnings +against faction fights, &c., are his themes. Then they only listen in +reverence. But when a subscription for such an object as that already +mentioned is under discussion, the flock consider themselves entitled to +"put in a word" in case of necessity. + +This preliminary hint is given to the reader, that he may better enter +into the spirit of Father Phil's + +SUBSCRIPTION LIST FOR THE REPAIRS AND ENLARGEMENT OF +BALLY-SLOUGHGUTPHERY CHAPEL + + L s. d. PHILIP BLAKE, P.P. + Micky Hicky 0 7 6 "He might as well have made ten + shillings: but half a loaf is betther + than no bread." + + "Plase your reverence," says + Mick, from the body of the chapel, + "sure seven and six-pence is more + than the half of ten shillings." + (_A laugh_.) + + "Oh! how witty you are. 'Faith, + if you knew your duty as well as + your arithmetic, it would be betther + for you, Micky." + + Here the Father turned the laugh + against Mick. + + L s. d. + Bill Riley 0 3 4 "Of course he means to subscribe + again. + + L s. d. + John Dwyer 0 15 0 "That's something like! I'll + be bound he's only keeping back + the odd five shillings for a brush + full o' paint for the althar; it's as + black as a crow, instead o' being as + white as a dove." + + He then hurried over rapidly some + small subscribers as follows:-- + + Peter Heffernan 0 1 8 + James Murphy 0 2 6 + Mat Donovan 0 1 3 + Luke Dannely 0 3 0 + Jack Quigly 0 2 1 + Pat Finnegan 0 2 2 + Edward O'Connor, Esq. 2 0 0 "There's for you! Edward + O'Connor, Esq., _a Protestant in the + parish_--Two pounds!" + + "Long life to him," cried a voice + in the chapel. + + "Amen," said Father Phil; "I'm + not ashamed to be clerk to so good + a prayer. + + Nicholas Fagan 0 2 6 + Young Nicholas Fagan 0 5 0 "Young Nick is better than owld + Nick, you see." + + The congregation honoured the + Father's demand on their risibility. + + L s. d. + Tim Doyle 0 7 6 + Owny Doyl 1 0 0 "Well done, Owny na Coppal--you + deserve to prosper for you + make good use of your thrivings. + + L s. d. + Simon Leary 0 2 6 + Bridget Murphy 0 10 0 "You ought to be ashamed o' + yourself, Simon: a lone widow + woman gives more than you." + + Simon answered, "I have a large + family, sir, and she has no childhre." + + "That's not her fault," said the + priest--"and maybe she'll mend o' + that yet." This excited much + merriment, for the widow was buxom, + and had recently buried an old + husband, and, by all accounts, was + cocking her cap at a handsome young + fellow in the parish. + + L s. d. + Judy Moylan 0 5 0 Very good, Judy; the women are + behaving like gentlemen; they'll + have their reward in the next world. + + Pat Finnerty 0 3 4 "I'm not sure if it is 8s. 4d. or + 3s. 4d., for the figure is blotted-- + but I believe it is 8s. 4d." + + "It was three and four pince + I gave your reverence," said Pat + from the crowd. + + "Well, Pat, as I said eight and + four pence you must not let me go + back o' my word, so bring me five + shillings next week." + + "Sure you wouldn't have me pay + for a blot, sir?" + + "Yes, I would--that's the rule + of back-mannon, you know, Pat. + When I hit the blot, you pay + for it." + + Here his reverence turned round, + as if looking for some one, and + called out, "Rafferty! Rafferty! + Rafferty! Where are you, Rafferty?" + + An old grey-headed man appeared, + bearing a large plate, and Father + Phil continued-- + + "There now, be active--I'm + sending him among you, good people, + and such as cannot give as + much as you would like to be read + before your neighbours, give what + little you can towards the repairs, + and I will continue to read out the + names by way of encouragement to + you, and the next name I see is + that of Squire Egan. Long life to + him! + L s. d. + Squire Egan 5 0 0 "Squire Egan--five pounds-- + listen to that--five pounds--a + Protestant in the parish--five + pounds! 'Faith, the Protestants will + make you ashamed of yourselves, if + we don't take care. + L s. d. + Mrs. Flanagan 2 0 0 "Not her own parish, either--a + kind lady. + + L s. d. + James Milligan + of Roundtown 1 0 0 "And here I must remark that + the people of Roundtown have not + been backward in coming forward + on this occasion. I have a long list + from Roundtown--I will read it + separate." He then proceeded at a + great pace, jumbling the town and + the pounds and the people in a most + extraordinary manner: "James + Milligan of Roundtown, one pound; + Darby Daly of Roundtown, one + pound; Sam Finnigan of Roundtown, + one pound; James Casey of + Roundpound, one town; Kit Dwyer + of Townpound, one round--pound + I mane; Pat Roundpound--Pounden, + I mane--Pat Pounden a pound + of Poundtown also--there's an + example for you!--but what are you + about, Rafferty? _I don't like the + sound of that plate of yours_;-- + you are not a good gleaner--go up + first into the gallery there, where I + see so many good-looking bonnets--I + suppose they will give something to + keep their bonnets out of the rain, + for the wet will be into the gallery + next Sunday if they don't. I think + that is Kitty Crow I see, getting her + bit of silver ready; them ribbons of + yours cost a trifle, Kitty. Well, + good Christians, here is more of the + subscription for you. + L s. d. + Matthew Lavery 0 2 6 "_He_ doesn't belong to + Roundtown--Roundtown will be renowned + in future ages for the support + of the Church. Mark my + words--Roundtown will prosper + from this day out--Roundtown + will be a rising place. + + Mark Hennessy 0 2 6 + Luke Clancy 0 2 6 + John Doolin 0 2 6 "One would think they all agreed + only to give two and sixpence apiece. + And they comfortable men, too! + And look at their names--Matthew, + Mark, Luke, and John, the + names of the Blessed Evangelists, + and only ten shillings among them! + Oh, they are apostles not worthy of + the name--we'll call them the _Poor + Apostles_ from this out" (here a + low laugh ran through the chapel)-- + "Do you hear that, Matthew, Mark, + Luke, and John? 'Faith! I can tell + you that name will stick to you.'" + (Here the laugh was louder.) + + A voice, when the laugh subsided, + exclaimed, "I'll make it ten + shillin's, your reverence." + + "Who's that?" said Father Phil. + + "Hennessy, your reverence." + + "Very well, Mark. I suppose + Matthew, Luke, and John will follow + your example?" + + "We will, your reverence." + + "Ah! I thought you made a mistake; + we'll call you now the _Faithful + Apostles_--and I think the change + in the name is better than seven + and sixpence apiece to you. + + "I see you in the gallery there, + Rafferty. What do you pass that + well-dressed woman for?--thry back + --ha!--see that--she had her money + ready if you only asked for it--don't + go by that other woman + there--oh, oh!--So you won't give + anything, ma'am. You ought to be + ashamed of yourself. There is a + woman with an elegant sthraw bonnet, + and she won't give a farthing. + Well now--afther that--remember--I + give it from the althar, that + _from this day out sthraw bonnets + pay fi'penny pieces._ + + L s. d. + Thomas Durfy, Esq. 1 0 0 "It's not his parish and he's a + brave gentleman. + + L s. d. + Miss Fanny Dawson 1 0 0 "_A Protestant out of the parish_, + and a sweet young lady, God bless + her! Oh, 'faith, the Protestants is + shaming you!!! + + L s. d. + Dennis Fannin 0 7 6 "Very good, indeed, for a working + mason." + + Jemmy Riley 0 5 0 "Not bad for a hedge-carpenther." + + +"I gave you ten, plaze, your reverence," shouted Jemmy, "and by the same +token, you may remember it was on the Nativity of the Blessed Vargin, +sir, I gave you the second five shillin's." + +"So you did, Jemmy," cried Father Phil--"I put a little cross before it, +to remind me of it; but I was in a hurry to make a sick call when you +gave it to me, and forgot it after: and indeed myself doesn't know what +I did with that same five shillings." + +Here a pallid woman, who was kneeling near the rails of the altar, +uttered an impassioned blessing, and exclaimed, "Oh, that was the very +five shillings, I'm sure, you gave to me that very day, to buy some +little comforts for my poor husband, who was dying in the fever!"--and +the poor woman burst into loud sobs as she spoke. + +A deep thrill of emotion ran through the flock as this accidental +proof of their poor pastor's beneficence burst upon them; and as an +affectionate murmur began to rise above the silence which that +emotion produced, the burly Father Philip blushed like a girl at this +publication of his charity, and even at the foot of that altar where he +stood, felt something like shame in being discovered in the commission +of that virtue so highly commended by the Holy One to whose worship the +altar was raised. He uttered a hasty "Whisht--whisht!" and waved with +his outstretched hands his flock into silence. + +In an instant one of those sudden changes common to an Irish assembly, +and scarcely credible to a stranger, took place. The multitude was +hushed--the grotesque of the subscription list had passed away and was +forgotten, and that same man and that same multitude stood in altered +relations--_they_ were again a reverent flock, and _he_ once more a +solemn pastor; the natural play of his nation's mirthful sarcasm +was absorbed in a moment in the sacredness of his office; and with a +solemnity befitting the highest occasion, he placed his hands together +before his breast, and raising his eyes to Heaven he poured forth his +sweet voice, with a tone of the deepest devotion, in that reverential +call to prayer, "_Orate_, _fratres_." + +The sound of a multitude gently kneeling down followed, like the soft +breaking of a quiet sea on a sandy beach; and when Father Philip turned +to the altar to pray, his pent-up feelings found vent in tears; and +while he prayed, he wept. + +I believe such scenes as this are not of unfrequent occurrence in +Ireland; that country so long-suffering, so much maligned, and so little +understood. + +Suppose the foregoing scene to have been only described antecedent +to the woman in the outbreak of her gratitude revealing the priest's +charity, from which he recoiled,--suppose the mirthfulness of the +incidents arising from reading the subscription-list--a mirthfulness +bordering on the ludicrous--to have been recorded, and nothing more, +a stranger would be inclined to believe, and pardonable in the belief, +that the Irish and their priesthood were rather prone to be irreverent; +but observe, under this exterior, the deep sources of feeling that lie +hidden and wait but the wand of divination to be revealed. In a thousand +similar ways are the actions and the motives of the Irish understood by +those who are careless of them; or worse, misrepresented by those whose +interest, and too often _business_, it is to malign them. + +Father Phil could proceed no further with the reading of the +subscription-list, but finished the office of the mass with unusual +solemnity. But if the incident just recorded abridged his address, and +the publication of donors' names by way of stimulus to the less active, +it produced a great effect on those who had but smaller donations to +drop into the plate; and the grey-headed collector, who could have +numbered the scanty coin before the bereaved widow had revealed the +pastor's charity, had to struggle his way afterwards through the eagerly +outstretched hands that showered their hard-earned pence upon the plate, +which was borne back to the altar heaped with contributions, heaped as +it had not been seen for many a day. The studied excitement of +their pride and their shame--and both are active agents in the Irish +nature--was less successful than the accidental appeal to their +affections. + +Oh! rulers of Ireland, why have you not sooner learned to _lead_ that +people by love, whom all your severity has been unable to _drive_? +[Footnote: When this passage was written Ireland was disturbed (as she +has too often been) by special parliamentary provocation:--the vexatious +vigilance of legislative lynxes--the peevishness of paltry persecutors.] + +When the mass was over, Andy waited at the door of the chapel to +catch "his riverence" coming out, and obtain his advice about what he +overheard from Larry Hogan; and Father Phil was accordingly accosted +by Andy just as he was going to get into his saddle to ride over to +breakfast with one of the neighbouring farmers, who was holding the +priest's stirrup at the moment. The extreme urgency of Andy's manner, +as he pressed up to the pastor's side, made the latter pause and inquire +what he wanted. "I want to get some advice from your riverence," said +Andy. + +"'Faith, then, the advice I give you is never to stop a hungry man +when he is going to refresh himself," said Father Phil, who had quite +recovered his usual cheerfulness, and threw his leg over his little grey +hack as he spoke. "How could you be so unreasonable as to expect me to +stop here listening to your case, and giving you advice indeed, when +I have said three masses [Footnote: The office of the mass must be +performed fasting.] this morning, and rode three miles; how could you be +so unreasonable, I say?" + +"I ax your riverence's pardon," said Andy; "I wouldn't have taken the +liberty, only the thing is mighty particular intirely." + +"Well, I tell you again, never ask a hungry man advice; for he is likely +to cut his advice on the patthern of his stomach, and it's empty advice +you'll get. Did you never hear that a 'hungry stomach has no ears'?" + +The farmer who was to have the honour of the priest's company to +breakfast exhibited rather more impatience than the good-humoured Father +Phil, and reproved Andy for his conduct. + +"But it's so particular," said Andy. + +"I wondher you would dar' to stop his riverence, and he black fastin'. +Go 'long wid you!" + +"Come over to my house in the course of the week, and speak to me," said +Father Phil, riding away. + +Andy still persevered, and taking advantage of the absence of the +farmer, who was mounting his own nag at the moment, said the matter of +which he wished to speak involved the interests of Squire Egan, or he +would not "make so bowld." + +This altered the matter; and Father Phil desired Andy to follow him to +the farm-house of John Dwyer, where he would speak to him after he had +breakfasted. + + + + +CHAPTER XXIX + + +John Dwyer's house was a scene of activity that day, for not only was +the priest to breakfast there--always an affair of honour--but a grand +dinner was also preparing on a large scale; for a wedding-feast was to +be held in the house, in honour of Matty Dwyer's nuptials, which were to +be celebrated that day with a neighbouring young farmer, rather well to +do in the world. The match had been on and off for some time, for John +Dwyer was what is commonly called a "close-fisted fellow," and his +would-be son-in-law could not bring him to what he considered proper +terms, and though Matty liked young Casey, and he was fond of her, they +both agreed not to let old Jack Dwyer have the best of the bargain in +portioning off his daughter, who, having a spice of her father in her, +was just as fond of _number one_ as old Jack himself. And here it is +worthy of remark, that, though the Irish are so prone in general to +early and improvident marriages, no people are closer in their nuptial +barter, when they are in a condition to make marriage a profitable +contract. Repeated meetings between the elders of families take place, +and acute arguments ensue, properly to equalise the worldly goods to +be given on both sides. Pots and pans are balanced against pails and +churns, cows against horses, a slip of bog against a gravel-pit, or a +patch of meadow against a bit of a quarry; a little lime-kiln sometimes +burns stronger than the flame of Cupid--the doves of Venus herself are +but crows in comparison with a good flock of geese--and a love-sick +sigh less touching than the healthy grunt of a good pig; indeed, the +last-named gentleman is a most useful agent in this traffic, for when +matters are nearly poised, the balance is often adjusted by a grunter +or two thrown into either scale. While matters are thus in a state of +debate, quarrels sometimes occur between the lovers the gentleman's +caution sometimes takes alarm, and more frequently the lady's pride +is aroused at the too obvious preference given to worldly gain over +heavenly beauty; Cupid shies at Mammon, and Hymen is upset and left in +the mire. + +I remember hearing of an instance of this nature, when the lady gave her +_ci-devant_ lover an ingenious reproof, after they had been separated +some time, when a marriage-bargain was broken off, because the lover +could not obtain from the girl's father a certain brown filly as part of +her dowry. The damsel, after the lapse of some weeks, met her swain at a +neighbouring fair, and the flame of love still smouldering in his heart +was re-illumined by the sight of his charmer, who, on the contrary, +had become quite disgusted with _him_ for his too obvious preference of +profit to true affection. He addressed her softly in a tent, and asked +her to dance, but was most astonished at her returning him a look of +vacant wonder, which tacitly implied, _"Who are you?"_ as plain as looks +could speak. + +"Arrah, Mary," exclaimed the youth. + +"Sir!!!"--answered Mary, with what heroines call "ineffable disdain." + +"Why one would think you didn't know me!" + +"If I ever had the honour of your acquaintance, sir," answered Mary, "I +forget you entirely." + +"Forget me, Mary?--arrah be aisy--is it forget the man that was courtin' +and in love with you?" + +"You're under a mistake, young man," said Mary, with a curl of her rosy +lip, which displayed the pearly teeth to whose beauty her woman's nature +rejoiced that the recreant lover was not yet insensible--"You're under +a mistake, young man," and her heightened colour made her eye flash more +brightly as she spoke--"you're quite under a mistake--no one was ever in +love with _me_;" and she laid signal emphasis on the word. "There was +a dirty mane blackguard, indeed, once _in love with my father's brown +filly,_ but I forget him intirely." + +Mary tossed her head proudly as she spoke, and her filly-fancying +admirer, reeling under the reproof she inflicted, sneaked from the tent, +while Mary stood up and danced with a more open-hearted lover, whose +earnest eye could see more charms in one lovely woman than all the +horses of Arabia. + +But no such result as this was likely to take place in Matty Dwyer's +case; she and her lover agreed with one another on the settlement to +be made, and old Jack was not to be allowed an inch over what was +considered an even bargain. At length all matters were agreed upon, the +wedding-day fixed, and the guests invited; yet still both parties were +not satisfied, but young Casey thought he should be put into absolute +possession of a certain little farm and cottage, and have the lease +looked over to see all was right (for Jack Dwyer was considered rather +slippery), while old Jack thought it time enough to give him possession +and the lease and his daughter altogether. + +However, matters had gone so far that, as the reader has seen, the +wedding-feast was prepared, the guests invited, and Father Phil on the +spot to help James and Matty (in the facetious parlance of Paddy) to +"tie with their tongues what they could not undo with their teeth." + +When the priest had done breakfast, the arrival of Andy was announced to +him, and Andy was admitted to a private audience with Father Phil, the +particulars of which must not be disclosed; for in short, Andy made a +regular confession before the Father, and, we know, confessions must +be held sacred; but we may say that Andy confided the whole post-office +affair to the pastor--told him how Larry Hogan had contrived to worm +that affair out of him, and by his devilish artifice had, as Andy +feared, contrived to implicate Squire Egan in the transaction, and, +by threatening a disclosure, got the worthy Squire into his villanous +power. Andy, under the solemn queries of the priest, positively denied +having said one word to Hogan to criminate the Squire, and that Hogan +could only infer the Squire's guilt; upon which Father Phil, having +perfectly satisfied himself, told Andy to make his mind easy, for that +he would secure the Squire from any harm, and he moreover praised Andy +for the fidelity he displayed to the interests of his old master, and +declared he was so pleased with him, that he would desire Jack Dwyer +to ask him to dinner. "And that will be no blind nut, let me tell you," +said Father Phil--"a wedding dinner, you lucky dog--'lashings [Footnote: +Overflowing abundance, and plenty left after.] and lavings,' and no end +of dancing afther!" + +Andy was accordingly bidden to the bridal feast, to which the guests +began already to gather thick and fast. They strolled about the field +before the house, basked in groups in the sunshine, or lay in the shade +under the hedges, where hints of future marriages were given to many +a pretty girl, and to nudges and pinches were returned small screams +suggestive of additional assault--and inviting denials of "Indeed +I won't," and that crowning provocative to riotous conduct, "Behave +yourself." + +In the meantime, the barn was laid out with long planks, supported on +barrels or big stones, which planks, when covered with clean cloths, +made a goodly board, that soon began to be covered with ample wooden +dishes of corned beef, roasted geese, boiled chickens and bacon, and +intermediate stacks of cabbage and huge bowls of potatoes, all sending +up their wreaths of smoke to the rafters of the barn, soon to become +hotter from the crowd of guests, who, when the word was given, rushed to +the onslaught with right good will. + +The dinner was later than the hour named, and the delay arose from the +absence of one who, of all others, ought to have been present, namely, +the bridegroom. But James Casey was missing, and Jack Dwyer had +been closeted from time to time with several long-headed greybeards, +canvassing the occurrence, and wondering at the default on the +bridegroom's part. The person who might have been supposed to bear this +default the worst supported it better than any one. Matty was all life +and spirits, and helped in making the feast ready, as if nothing wrong +had happened; and she backed Father Phil's argument to sit down to +dinner at once;--"that if James Casey was not there, that was no reason +dinner should be spoiled, he'd be there soon enough; besides, if he +didn't arrive in time, it was better he should have good meat cold, than +everybody have hot meat spoiled: the ducks would be done to cindhers, +the beef boiled to rags, and the chickens be all in jommethry." + +So down they sat to dinner: its heat, its mirth, its clatter, and its +good cheer we will not attempt to describe; suffice it to say, the +viands were good, the guests hungry, and the drink unexceptionable; and +Father Phil, no bad judge of such matters, declared he never pronounced +grace over a better spread. But still, in the midst of the good cheer, +neighbours (the women particularly) would suggest to each other the +"wondher" where the bridegroom could be; and even within ear-shot of the +bride elect, the low-voiced whisper ran, of "Where in the world is James +Casey?" + +Still the bride kept up her smiles, and cheerfully returned the healths +that were drunk to her; but old Jack was not unmoved; a cloud hung on +his brow, which grew darker and darker as the hour advanced, and the +bridegroom yet tarried. The board was cleared of the eatables, and the +copious jugs of punch going their round; but the usual toast of the +united healths of the happy pair could not be given, for one of them +was absent. Father Phil hardly knew what to do; for even his overflowing +cheerfulness began to forsake him, and a certain air of embarrassment +began to pervade the whole assembly, till Jack Dwyer could bear it no +longer, and, standing up, he thus addressed the company:-- + +"Friends and neighbours, you see the disgrace that's put on me and my +child." + +A murmur of "No, no!" ran round the board. + +"I say, yis." + +"He'll come yet, sir," said a voice. + +"No, he won't," said Jack, "I see he won't--I know he won't. He wanted +to have everything all his own way, and he thinks to disgrace me in +doing what he likes, but he shan't"; and he struck the table fiercely as +he spoke; for Jack, when once his blood was up, was a man of desperate +determination. "He's a greedy chap, the same James Casey, and he loves +his bargain betther than he loves you, Matty, so don't look glum about +what I'm saying: I say he's greedy: he's just the fellow that, if you +gave him the roof off your house, would ax you for the rails before your +door; and he goes back of his bargain now, bekase I would not let him +have it all his own way, and puts the disgrace on me, thinkin' I'll give +in to him, through that same; but I won't. And I tell you what it is, +friends and neighbours; here's the lease of the three-cornered field +below there," and he held up a parchment as he spoke, "and a snug +cottage on it, and it's all ready for the girl to walk into with the man +that will have her; and if there's a man among you here that's willing, +let him say the word now, and I'll give her to him!" + +The girl could not resist an exclamation of surprise, which her father +hushed by a word and look so peremptory, that she saw remonstrance +was in vain, and a silence of some moments ensued; for it was rather +startling, this immediate offer of a girl who had been so strangely +slighted, and the men were not quite prepared to make advances, until +they knew something more of the why and wherefore of her sweetheart's +desertion. + +"Are yiz all dumb?" exclaimed Jack, in surprise. "Faix, it's not every +day a snug little field and cottage and a good-looking girl falls in a +man's way. I say again, I'll give her and the lase to the man that will +say the word." + +Still no one spoke, and Andy began to think they were using Jack Dwyer +and his daughter very ill, but what business had _he_ to think of +offering himself, "a poor devil like him"? But, the silence still +continuing, Andy took heart of grace; and as the profit and pleasure of +a snug match and a handsome wife flushed upon him, he got up and said, +"Would I do, sir?" + +Every one was taken by surprise, even old Jack himself; and Matty could +not suppress a faint exclamation, which every one but Andy understood to +mean "she didn't like it at all," but which Andy interpreted quite the +other way, and he grinned his loutish admiration of Matty, who turned +away her head from him in sheer distaste, which action Andy took for +mere coyness. + +Jack was in a dilemma, for Andy was just the last man he would have +chosen as a husband for his daughter; but what could he do? he was +taken at his word, and even at the worst he was determined that some one +should marry the girl out of hand, and show Casey the "disgrace should +not be put on him"; but, anxious to have another chance, he stammered +something about the fairness of "letting the girl choose," and that +"some one else might wish to spake"; but the end of all was, that no one +rose to rival Andy, and Father Phil bore witness to the satisfaction he +had that day in finding so much uprightness and fidelity in "the boy"; +that he had raised his character much in his estimation by his conduct +that day; and if he was a little giddy betimes, there was nothing like +a wife to steady him; and if he was rather poor, sure Jack Dwyer could +mend that. + +"Then come up here," says Jack; and Andy left his place at the very end +of the board and marched up to the head, amidst clapping of hands and +thumping of the table, and laughing and shouting. + +"Silence!" cried Father Phil, "this is no laughing matther, but a +serious engagement--and, John Dwyer, I tell you--and you Andy Rooney, +that girl must not be married against her own free-will; but if she has +no objection, well and good." + +"My will is her pleasure, I know," said Jack, resolutely. + +To the surprise of every one, Matty said, "Oh, I'll take the boy with +all my heart!" + +Handy Andy threw his arms round her neck and gave her a most vigorous +salute which came smacking off, and thereupon arose a hilarious shout +which made the old rafters of the barn ring again. + +"There's the lase for you," said Jack, handing the parchment to Andy, +who was now installed in the place of honour beside the bride elect at +the head of the table, and the punch circulated rapidly in filling to +the double toast of health, happiness, and prosperity to the "happy +pair"; and after some few more circuits of the enlivening liquor had +been performed, the women retired to the dwelling-house, whose sanded +parlour was put in immediate readiness for the celebration of the +nuptial knot between Matty and the adventurous Andy. + +In half an hour the ceremony was performed, and the rites and blessings +of the Church dispensed between two people, who, an hour before, had +never looked on each other with thoughts of matrimony. + +Under such circumstances it was wonderful with what lightness of +spirit Matty went through the honours consequent on a peasant bridal in +Ireland: these, it is needless to detail; our limits would not permit; +but suffice it to say, that a rattling country-dance was led off by Andy +and Matty in the barn, intermediate jigs were indulged in by the "picked +dancers" of the parish, while the country dancers were resting and +making love (if making love can be called rest) in the corners, and that +the pipers and punch-makers had quite enough to do until the night was +far spent, and it was considered time for the bride and bridegroom to be +escorted by a chosen party of friends to the little cottage which was to +be their future home. The pipers stood at the threshold of Jack Dwyer, +and his daughter departed from under the "roof-tree" to the tune of "Joy +be with you"; and then the lilters, heading the body-guard of the bride, +plied drone and chanter right merrily until she had entered her new +home, thanked her old friends (who did all the established civilities, +and cracked all the usual jokes attendant on the occasion); and Andy +bolted the door of the snug cottage of which he had so suddenly become +master, and placed a seat for the bride beside the fire, requesting +_"Miss Dwyer"_ to sit down--for Andy could not bring himself to call her +"Matty" yet--and found himself in an awkward position in being "lord +and master" of a girl he considered so far above him a few hours before; +Matty sat quiet, and looked at the fire. + +"It's very quare, isn't it?" says Andy with a grin, looking at her +tenderly, and twiddling his thumbs. + +"What's quare?" inquired Matty, very drily. + +"The estate," responded Andy. + +"What estate?" asked Matty. + +"Your estate and my estate," said Andy. + +"Sure you don't call the three-cornered field my father gave us an +estate, you fool?" answered Matty. + +"Oh no," said Andy. "I mane the blessed and holy estate of matrimony the +priest put us in possession of;" and Andy drew a stool near the heiress, +on the strength of the hit he thought he had made. + +"Sit at the other side of the fire," said Matty, very coldly. + +"Yes, miss," responded Andy, very respectfully; and in shoving his seat +backwards the legs of the stool caught in the earthen floor, and Andy +tumbled heels over head. + +Matty laughed while Andy was picking himself up with increased +confusion at this mishap; for even amidst rustics there is nothing more +humiliating than a lover placing himself in a ridiculous position at the +moment he is doing his best to make himself agreeable. + +"It is well your coat's not new," said Matty, with a contemptuous look +at Handy's weather-beaten vestment. + +"I hope I'll soon have a betther," said Andy, a little piqued, with all +his reverence for the heiress, at this allusion to his poverty. "But +sure it wasn't the coat you married, but the man that's in it; and sure +I'll take off my clothes as soon as you please, Matty, my dear--Miss +Dwyer, I mane--I beg your pardon." + +"You had better wait till you get better," answered Matty, very drily. +"You know the old saying, 'Don't throw out your dirty wather until you +get in fresh.'" + +"Ah, darlin', don't be cruel to me!" said Andy, in a supplicating tone. +"I know I'm not desarvin' of you, but sure I did not make so bowld as to +make up to you until I seen that nobody else would have you." + +"Nobody else have me!" exclaimed Matty, as her eyes flashed with anger. + +"I beg your pardon, miss," said poor Andy, who in the extremity of his +own humility had committed such an offence against Matty's pride. "I +only meant that--" + +"Say no more about it," said Matty, who recovered her equanimity. +"Didn't my father give you the lase of the field and house?" + +"Yis, miss." + +"You had better let me keep it then; 'twill be safer with me than you." + +"Sartainly," said Andy, who drew the lease from his pocket and handed it +to her, and--as he was near to her--he attempted a little familiarity, +which Matty repelled very unequivocally. + +"Arrah! is it jokes you are crackin'?" said Andy, with a grin, advancing +to renew his fondling. + +"I tell you what it is," said Matty, jumping up, "I'll crack your head +if you don't behave yourself!" and she seized the stool on which she had +been sitting, and brandished it in a very amazonian fashion. + +"Oh, wirra! wirra!" said Andy, in amaze--"aren't you my wife?" + +"_Your_ wife!" retorted Matty, with a very devil in her eye--"_Your_ +wife, indeed, you great _omadhaun_; why, then, had you the brass to +think I'd put up with _you_?" + +"Arrah, then, why did you marry me?" said Andy, in a pitiful +argumentative whine. + +"Why did I marry you?" retorted Matty--"Didn't I know betther than +refuse you, when my father said the word _when the divil was busy +with him_? Why did I marry you?--it's a pity I didn't refuse, and be +murthered that night, maybe, as soon as the people's backs was turned. +Oh, it's little you know of owld Jack Dwyer, or you wouldn't ask me +that; but, though I'm afraid of him, I'm not afraid of you--so stand off +I tell you." + +"Oh, Blessed Virgin!" cried Andy; "and what will be the end of it?" + +There was a tapping at the door as he spoke. + +"You'll soon see what will be the end of it," said Matty, as she walked +across the cabin and opened to the knock. + +James Casey entered and clasped Matty in his arms; and half a dozen +athletic fellows and one old and debauched-looking man followed, and the +door was immediately closed after their entry. + +Andy stood in amazement while Casey and Matty caressed each other; and +the old man said in a voice tremulous with intoxication, "A very pretty +filly, by jingo!" + +"I lost no time the minute I got your message, Matty," said Casey, "and +here's the Father ready to join us." + +"Ay, ay," cackled the old reprobate--"hammer and tongs!--strike while +the iron's hot!--I'm the boy for a short job"; and he pulled a greasy +book from his pocket as he spoke. + +This was a degraded clergyman, known in Ireland under the title of +"Couple-Beggar," who is ready to perform irregular marriages on such +urgent occasions as the present; and Matty had contrived to inform James +Casey of the desperate turn affairs had taken at home, and recommended +him to adopt the present plan, and so defeat the violent measure of her +father by one still more so. + +A scene of uproar now ensued, for Andy did not take matters quietly, but +made a pretty considerable row, which was speedily quelled, however, by +Casey's bodyguard, who tied Andy neck and heels, and in that +helpless state he witnessed the marriage ceremony performed by the +"couple-beggar," between Casey and the girl he had looked upon as his +own five minutes before. + +In vain did he raise his voice against the proceeding; the +"couple-beggar" smothered his objections in ribald jests. + +"You can't take her from me, I tell you," cried Andy. + +"No; but we can take you from her," said the "couple-beggar"; and, at +the words, Casey's friends dragged Andy from the cottage, bidding a +rollicking adieu to their triumphant companion, who bolted the door +after them and became possessor of the wife and property poor Andy +thought he had secured. + +To guard against an immediate alarm being given, Andy was warned on pain +of death to be silent as his captors bore him along, and he took them +to be too much men of their word to doubt they would keep their promise. +They bore him through a lonely by-lane for some time, and on arriving at +the stump of an old tree, bound him securely to it, and left him to pass +his wedding-night in the tight embraces of hemp. + + + + +CHAPTER XXX + + +The news of Andy's wedding, so strange in itself, and being celebrated +before so many, spread over the country like wildfire, and made the talk +of half the barony for the next day, and the question, "_Arrah, did +you hear of the wondherful wedding?_" was asked in high-road and +by-road,--and scarcely a _boreen_ whose hedges had not borne witness +to this startling matrimonial intelligence. The story, like all other +stories, of course got twisted into various strange shapes, and +fanciful exaggerations became grafted on the original stem, sufficiently +grotesque in itself; and one of the versions set forth how old Jack +Dwyer, the more to vex Casey, had given his daughter the greatest +fortune that ever had been heard of in the country. + +Now one of the open-eared people who had caught hold of the story by +this end happened to meet Andy's mother, and, with a congratulatory +grin, began with "The top o' the mornin' to you, Mrs. Rooney, and sure I +wish you joy." + +"Och hone, and for why, dear?" answered Mrs. Rooney, "sure, it's nothin' +but trouble and care I have, poor and in want, like me." + +"But sure you'll never be in want any more." + +"Arrah, who towld you so, agra?" + +"Sure the boy will take care of you now, won't he?" + +"What boy?" + +"Andy, sure!" + +"Andy!" replied his mother, in amazement. "Andy, indeed!--out o' place, +and without a bawbee to bless himself with!--stayin' out all night, the +blackguard!" + +"By this and that, I don't think you know a word about it," cried the +friend, whose turn it was for wonder now. + +"Don't I, indeed?" said Mrs. Rooney, huffed at having her word doubted, +as she thought. "I tell you he never _was_ at home last night, and +maybe it's yourself was helping him, Micky Lavery, to keep his bad +coorses--the slingein' dirty blackguard that he is." + +Micky Lavery set up a shout of laughter, which increased the ire of Mrs. +Rooney, who would have passed on in dignified silence but that Micky +held her fast, and when he recovered breath enough to speak, he +proceeded to tell her about Andy's marriage, but in such a disjointed +way, that it was some time before Mrs. Rooney could comprehend him--for +his interjectional laughter at the capital joke it was, that she should +be the last to know it, and that he should have the luck to tell +it, sometimes broke the thread of his story--and then his collateral +observations so disfigured the tale, that its incomprehensibility became +very much increased, until at last Mrs. Rooney was driven to push him by +direct questions. + +"For the tendher mercy, Micky Lavery, make me sinsible, and don't +disthract me--is the boy married?" + +"Yis, I tell you." + +"To Jack Dwyer's daughter?" + +"Yis." + +"And gev him a fort'n'?" + +"Gev him half his property, I tell you, and he'll have all when the owld +man's dead." + +"Oh, more power to you, Andy!" cried his mother in delight: "it's you +that _is_ the boy, and the best child that ever was! Half his property, +you tell me, _Misther_ Lavery?" added she, getting distant and polite +the moment she found herself mother to a rich man, and curtailing her +familiarity with a poor one like Lavery. + +"Yes, _ma'am_," said Lavery, touching his hat, "and the whole of it when +the owld man dies." + +"Then indeed I wish him a happy relase!" [Footnote: A "happy release" +is the Irish phrase for departing this life] said Mrs. Rooney, +piously--"not that I owe the man any spite--but sure he'd be no +loss--and it's a good wish to any one, sure, to wish them in heaven. +Good mornin', Misther Lavery," said Mrs. Rooney, with a patronising +smile, and "going the road with a dignified air." + +Mick Lavery looked after her with mingled wonder and indignation. "Bad +luck to you, you owld sthrap!" he muttered between his teeth. "How +consaited you are, all of a sudden--by Jakers, I'm sorry I +towld you--cock you up, indeed--put a beggar on horseback to be +sure--humph!--the devil cut the tongue out o' me if ever I give any one +good news again. I've a mind to turn back and tell Tim Dooling his horse +is in the pound." + +Mrs. Rooney continued her dignified pace as long as she was in sight +of Lavery, but the moment an angle of the road screened her from his +observation, off she set, running as hard as she could, to embrace her +darling Andy, and realise with her own eyes and ears all the good news +she had heard. She puffed out by the way many set phrases about the +goodness of Providence, and arranged at the same time sundry fine +speeches to make to the bride; so that the old lady's piety and flattery +ran a strange couple together along with herself; while mixed up with +her prayers and her blarney, were certain speculations about Jack +Dwyer--as to how long he could _live_--and how much he might _leave_. + +It was in this frame of mind she reached the hill which commanded a view +of the three-cornered field and the snug cottage, and down she rushed to +embrace her darling Andy and his gentle bride. Puffing and blowing like +a porpoise, bang she went into the cottage, and Matty being the first +person she met, she flung herself upon her, and covered her with +embraces and blessings. + +Matty, being taken by surprise, was some time before she could shake off +the old beldame's hateful caresses; but at last getting free and tucking +up her hair, which her imaginary mother-in-law had clawed about her +ears, she exclaimed in no very gentle tones-- + +"Arrah, good woman, who axed for _your_ company--who are you at all?" + +"Your mother-in-law, jewel!" cried the Widow Rooney, making another +open-armed rush at her beloved daughter-in-law; but Matty received the +widow's protruding mouth on her clenched fist instead of her lips, and +the old woman's nose coming in for a share of Matty's knuckles, a ruby +stream spurted forth, while all the colours of the rainbow danced before +Mrs. Rooney's eyes as she reeled backward on the floor. + +"Take that, you owld faggot!" cried Matty, as she shook Mrs. Rooney's +tributary claret from the knuckles which had so scientifically tapped +it, and wiped her hand in her apron. + +The old woman roared "millia' murthur" on the floor, and snuffled out a +deprecatory question "if that was the proper way to be received in her +son's house." + +"_Your_ son's house, indeed!" cried Matty. "Get out o' the place, you +stack o' rags." + +"Oh, Andy! Andy!" cried the mother, gathering herself up. + +"Oh--that's it, is it!" cried Matty; "so it's Andy you want?" + +"To be sure: why wouldn't I want him, you hussy? My boy! my darlin'! my +beauty!" + +"Well, go look for him!" cried Matty, giving her a shove towards the +door. "Well, now, do you think I'll be turned out of my son's house +so quietly as that, you unnatural baggage?" cried Mrs. Rooney, facing +round, fiercely. Upon which a bitter altercation ensued between the +women; in the course of which the widow soon learnt that Andy was not +the possessor of Matty's charms: whereupon the old woman, no longer +having the fear of damaging her daughter-in-law's beauty before her +eyes, tackled to for a fight in right earnest, in the course of which +some reprisals were made by the widow in revenge for her broken nose; +but Matty's youth and activity, joined to her Amazonian spirit, turned +the tide in her favour, though, had not the old lady been blown by her +long run, the victory would not have been so easy, for she was a tough +customer, and _left_ Matty certain marks of her favour that did not +rub out in a hurry--while she took _away_ (as a keepsake) a handful of +Matty's hair, by which she had long held on till a successful kick from +the gentle bride finally ejected Mrs. Rooney from the house. + +Off she reeled, bleeding and roaring, and while on her approach she +had been blessing Heaven and inventing sweet speeches for Matty, on her +retreat she was cursing fate and heaping all sorts of hard names on the +Amazon she came to flatter. Alas, for the brevity of human exultation! + +How fared it in the meantime with Andy? He, poor devil! had passed a +cold night, tied up to the old tree, and as the morning dawned, every +object appeared to him through the dim light in a distorted form; the +gaping hollow of the old trunk to which he was bound seemed like a huge +mouth, opening to swallow him, while the old knots looked like eyes, +and the gnarled branches like claws, staring at and ready to tear him in +pieces. + +A raven, perched above him on a lonely branch, croaked dismally, till +Andy fancied he could hear words of reproach in the sounds, while a +little tomtit chattered and twittered on a neighbouring bough, as if +he enjoyed and approved of all the severe things the raven uttered. The +little tomtit was the worst of the two, just as the solemn reproof +of the wise can be better borne than the impertinent remark of some +chattering fool. To these imaginary evils was added the reality of some +enormous water-rats that issued from an adjacent pool and began to eat +Andy's hat and shoes, which had fallen off in his struggle with his +captors; and all Andy's warning ejaculations could not make the vermin +abstain from his shoes and his hat, which, to judge from their eager +eating, could not stay their stomachs long, so that Andy, as he looked +on at the rapid demolition, began to dread that they might transfer +their favours from his attire to himself, until the tramp of approaching +horses relieved his anxiety, and in a few minutes two horsemen stood +before him--they were Father Phil and Squire Egan. + +Great was the surprise of the Father to see the fellow he had married +the night before, and whom he supposed to be in the enjoyment of his +honeymoon, tied up to a tree and looking more dead than alive; and his +indignation knew no bounds when he heard that a "couple-beggar" had +dared to celebrate the marriage ceremony, which fact came out in the +course of the explanation Andy made of the desperate misadventure which +had befallen him; but all other grievances gave way in the eyes of +Father Phil to the "couple-beggar." + +"A 'couple-beggar'!--the audacious vagabones!" he cried, while he and +the Squire were engaged in loosing Andy's bonds. "A 'couple-beggar' +in my parish! How fast they have tied him up, Squire!" he added, as he +endeavoured to undo a knot. "A 'couple-beggar,' indeed! I'll undo the +marriage!--have you a knife about you, Squire?--the blessed and holy tie +of matrimony!--it's a black knot, bad luck to it, and must be cut--take +your leg out o' that now--and wait till I lay my hands on them--a +'couple-beggar' indeed!" + +"A desperate outrage this whole affair has been!" said the Squire. + +"But a 'couple-beggar,' Squire." + +"His house broken into--" + +"But a 'couple-beggar'--" + +"His wife taken from him--" + +"But a 'couple-beggar'--" + +"The laws violated--" + +"But _my dues_, Squire--think o' that!--what would become o' _them_, if +'couple-beggars' is allowed to show their audacious faces in the parish. +Oh, wait till next Sunday, that's all--I'll have them up before the +althar, and I'll make them beg God's pardon, and my pardon, and the +congregation's pardon, the audacious pair!" [Footnote: A man and woman +who had been united by a "couple-beggar" were called up one Sunday by +the priest in the face of the congregation, and summoned, as Father Phil +threatens above, to beg God's pardon, and the priest's pardon, and the +congregation's pardon; but the woman stoutly refused the last condition. +"I'll beg God's pardon and your Reverence's pardon," she said, "but I +won't beg the congregation's pardon." "You won't?" says the priest. +"I won't," says she. "Oh you conthrairy baggage," cried his Reverence: +"take her home out o' that," said he to her husband who HAD humbled +himself--"take her home, and leather her well--for she wants it; and if +you don't leather her, you'll be sorry--for if you don't make her afraid +of you, she'll master YOU, too--take her home and leather her."--FACT.] + +"It's an assault on Andy," said the Squire. + +"It's a robbery on me," said Father Phil. + +"Could you identify the men?" said the Squire. + +"Do you know the 'couple-beggar'?" said the priest. + +"Did James Casey lay his hands on you?" said the Squire; "for he's a +good man to have a warrant against." + +"Oh, Squire, Squire!" ejaculated Father Phil; "talking of laying hands +on _him_ is it you are?--didn't that blackguard 'couple-beggar' lay +his dirty hands on a woman that my bran new benediction was upon! Sure, +they'd do anything after that!" By this time Andy was free, and having +received the Squire's directions to follow him to Merryvale, Father +Phil and the worthy Squire were once more in their saddles and proceeded +quietly to the same place, the Squire silently considering the audacity +of the _coup-de-main_ which robbed Andy of his wife, and his reverence +puffing out his rosy cheeks and muttering sundry angry sentences, the +only intelligible words of which were "couple-beggar." + + + + +CHAPTER XXXI + + +Doubtless the reader has anticipated that the presence of Father Phil in +the company of the Squire at this immediate time was on account of the +communication made by Andy about the post-office affair. Father Phil had +determined to give the Squire freedom from the strategetic coil in which +Larry Hogan had ensnared him, and lost no time in setting about it; and +it was on his intended visit to Merryvale that he met its hospitable +owner, and telling him there was a matter of some private importance he +wished to communicate, suggested a quiet ride together; and this it +was which led to their traversing the lonely little lane where they +discovered Andy, whose name was so principal in the revelations of that +day. + +To the Squire those revelations were of the dearest importance; for they +relieved his mind from a weight which had been oppressing it for some +time, and set his heart at rest. Egan, it must be remarked, was an odd +mixture of courage and cowardice: undaunted by personal danger, but +strangely timorous where moral courage was required. A remarkable +shyness, too, made him hesitate constantly in the utterance of a word +which might explain away any difficulty in which he chanced to find +himself; and this helped to keep his tongue tied in the matter where +Larry Hogan had continued to make himself a bugbear. He had a horror, +too, of being thought capable of doing a dishonourable thing, and the +shame he felt at having peeped into a letter was so stinging, that the +idea of asking any one's advice in the dilemma in which he was placed +made him recoil from the thought of such aid. Now, Father Phil had +relieved him from the difficulties his own weakness imposed; the subject +had been forced upon him; and once forced to speak he made a full +acknowledgment of all that had taken place; and when he found Andy had +not borne witness against him, and that Larry Hogan only _inferred_ his +participation in the transaction, he saw on Father Phil's showing that +he was not really in Larry Hogan's power; for though he admitted he had +given Larry a trifle of money from time to time when Larry asked for it, +under the influence of certain innuendoes, yet that was no proof against +him; and Father Phil's advice was to get Andy out of the way as soon as +possible, and then to set Larry quietly at defiance--that is to say, in +Father Phil's own words, "to keep never minding him." + +Now Andy not being encumbered with a wife (as fate had so ordained it) +made the matter easier, and the Squire and the Father, as they rode +towards Merryvale together to dinner, agreed to pack off Andy without +delay, and thus place him beyond Hogan's power; and as Dick Dawson was +going to London with Murphy, to push the petition against Scatterbrain's +return, it was looked upon as a lucky chance, and Andy was at once named +to bear them company. + +"But you must not let Hogan know that Andy is sent away under your +patronage, Squire," said the Father, "for that would be presumptive +evidence you had an interest in his absence; and Hogan is the very +blackguard would see it fast enough, for he is a knowing rascal." + +"He's the deepest scoundrel I ever met," said the Squire. + +"As knowing as a jailer," said Father Phil. "A jailer, did I say--by +dad, he bates any jailer I ever heard of--for that fellow is so 'cute, +he _could keep Newgate with a book and eye."_ + +"By-the-bye, there's one thing I forgot to tell you, respecting those +letters I threw into the fire; for remember, Father, I only peeped into +_one_ and destroyed the others; but one of the letters, I must tell you, +was directed to yourself." + +"'Faith, then, I forgive you that, Squire," said Father Phil, "for I +hate letters; but if you have any scruple of conscience on the subject, +write me one yourself, and that will do as well." + +The Squire could not help thinking the Father's mode of settling the +difficulty worthy of Handy Andy himself; but he did not tell the Father +so. + +They had now reached Merryvale, where the good-humoured priest was +heartily welcomed, and where Doctor Growling, Dick Dawson, and Murphy +were also guests at dinner. Great was the delight of the party at the +history they heard, when the cloth was drawn, of Andy's wedding, so +much in keeping with his former life and adventures, and Father Phil had +another opportunity of venting his rage against the "couple-beggar." + +"That was but a slip-knot you tied, Father," said the doctor. + +"Aye, aye! joke away, doctor." + +"Do you think, Father Phil," said Murphy, "that _that_ marriage was made +in heaven, where we are told marriages _are_ made?" + +"I don't suppose it was, Mr. Murphy; for if it had it would have held +upon earth." + +"Very well answered, Father," said the Squire. + +"I don't know what other people think about matches being made in +heaven," said Growling, "but I have my suspicions they are sometimes +made in another place." + +"Oh, fie, doctor!" said Mrs. Egan. + +"The doctor, ma'am, is an old bachelor," said Father Phil, "or he +wouldn't say so." + +"Thank you, Father Phil, for so polite a speech." + +The doctor took his pencil from his pocket and began to write on a small +bit of paper, which the priest observing, asked him what he was about, +"or is it writing a prescription you are," said he, "for compounding +better marriages than I can?" + +"Something very naughty, I dare say, the doctor is doing," said Fanny +Dawson. + +"Judge for yourself, lady fair," said the doctor, handing Fanny the slip +of paper. + +Fanny looked at it for a moment and smiled, but declared it was very +wicked indeed. + +"Then read it for the company, and condemn me out of your own pretty +mouth, Miss Dawson," said the doctor. + +"It is too wicked." + +"If it is ever so wicked," said Father Phil, "the wickedness will be +neutralised by being read by an angel." + +"Well done, St. Omer's," cried Murphy. + +"Really, Father," said Fanny, blushing, "you are desperately gallant +to-day, and just to shame you, and show how little of an angel I am, I +_will_ read the doctor's epigram:-- + + 'Though matches are all made in heaven, they say, + Yet Hymen, who mischief oft hatches, + Sometimes deals with the house _t'other side of the way_, + And _there_ they make _Lucifer_ matches.'" + +"Oh, doctor! I'm afraid you are a woman-hater," said Mrs. Egan. "Come +away, Fanny, I am sure they want to get rid of us." + +"Yes," said Fanny, rising and joining her sister, who was leaving the +room, "and now, after abusing poor Hymen, gentlemen, we leave you to +your favourite worship of Bacchus." + +The departure of the ladies changed the conversation, and after the +gentlemen had resumed their seats, the doctor asked Dick Dawson how soon +he intended going to London. + +"I start immediately," said Dick. "Don't forget to give me that letter +of introduction to your friend in Dublin, whom I long to know." + +"Who is he?" asked the Squire. + +"One Tom Loftus--or, as his friends call him, 'Piping Tom,' from his +vocal powers; or, as some nickname him, '_Organ_ Loftus,' from his +imitation of that instrument, which is an excessively comical piece of +caricature." + +"Oh! I know him well," said Father Phil. + +"How did you manage to become acquainted with him?" inquired the doctor, +"for I did not think he lay much in your way." + +"It was _he_ became acquainted with me," said Father Phil, "and this +was the way of it--he was down on a visit betimes in the parish I was in +before this, and his behaviour was so wild that I was obliged to make +an allusion in the chapel to his indiscretions, and threaten to make +his conduct a subject of severe public censure if he did not mind his +manners a little better. Well, my dear, who should call on me on +the Monday morning after but Misther Tom, all smiles and graces, and +protesting he was sorry he fell under my displeasure, and hoping I would +never have cause to find fault with him again. Sure, I thought he was +repenting of his misdeeds, and I said I was glad to hear such good +words from him. 'A' then, Father,' says he, 'I hear you have got a great +curiosity from Dublin--a shower-bath, I hear?' So I said I had: and +indeed, to be candid, I was as proud as a peacock of the same bath, +which tickled my fancy when I was once in town, and so I bought it. +'Would you show it to me?' says he. 'To be sure,' says I, and off I +went, like a fool, and put the wather on the top, and showed him how, +when a string was pulled, down it came--and he pretended not clearly +to understand the thing, and at last he said, 'Sure it's not into that +sentry-box you get?' says he. 'Oh yes,' said I, getting into it quite +innocent; when, my dear, he slaps the door and fastens it on me, and +pulls the string and souses me with the water, and I with my best suit +of black on me. I roared and shouted inside while Misther Tom Loftus was +screechin' laughing outside, and dancing round the room with delight. At +last, when he could speak, he said, 'Now, Father, we're even,' says he, +'for the abuse you gave me yesterday,' and off he ran." + +"That's just like him," said old Growling, chuckling; "he's a queer +devil. I remember on one occasion a poor dandy puppy, who was in the +same office with him--for Tom is in the Ordnance department, you must +know--this puppy, sir, wanted to go to the Ashbourne races and cut a +figure in the eyes of a rich grocer's daughter he was sweet upon." + +"Being sweet upon a grocer's daughter," said Murphy, "is like bringing +coals to Newcastle." + +"'Faith! it was coals to Newcastle with a vengeance, in the present +case, for the girl would have nothing to say to him, and Tom had great +delight whenever he could annoy this poor fool in his love-making plots. +So, when he came to Tom to ask for the loan of his horse, Tom said he +should have him _if he could make the smallest use of him_--'but I don't +think you can,' said Tom. 'Leave that to me,' said the youth. 'I don't +think you could make him go,' said Tom. 'I'll buy a new pair of spurs,' +said the puppy. 'Let them be handsome ones,' said Tom. 'I was looking at +a very handsome pair at Lamprey's, yesterday,' said the young gentleman. +'Then you can buy them on your way to my stables,' said Tom; and sure +enough, sir, the youth laid out his money on a very costly pair of +persuaders, and then proceeded homewards with Tom. 'Now, with all your +spurs,' said Tom, 'I don't think you'll be able to make him go.' 'Is he +so very vicious, then?' inquired the youth, who began to think of his +neck. 'On the contrary,' said Tom, 'he's perfectly quiet, but won't go +for _you_, I'll bet a pound.' 'Done!' said the youth. 'Well, try him,' +said Tom, as he threw open the stable door. 'He's lazy, I see,' said the +youth; 'for he's lying down.' 'Faith, he is,' said Tom, 'and hasn't got +up these two days!' 'Get up, you brute!' said the innocent youth, giving +a smart cut of his whip on the horse's flank; but the horse did not +budge. '_Why, he's dead!_' says he. 'Yes,' says Tom, 'since Monday last. +So I don't think you can make him go, and you've lost your bet!'" + +"That was hardly a fair joke," said the Squire. + +"Tom never stops to think of that," returned the doctor; "he's the +oddest fellow I ever knew. The last time I was in Dublin, I called on +Tom and found him one bitter cold and stormy morning standing at an open +window, nearly quite undressed. On asking him what he was about, he +said he was _getting up a bass voice_; that Mrs. Somebody, who gave good +dinners and bad concerts, was disappointed of her bass singer, 'and I +think,' said Tom, 'I'll be hoarse enough in the evening to take double +B flat. Systems are the fashion now,' said he; 'there is the Logierian +system and other systems, and mine is the Cold-air-ian system, and the +best in the world for getting up a bass voice.'" + +"That was very original certainly," said the Squire. + +"But did you ever hear of his adventure with the Duke of Wellington?" +said the doctor. + +"The Duke!" they all exclaimed. + +"Yes--that is, when he was only Sir Arthur Wellesley. Well, I'll tell +you." + +"Stop," said the Squire, "a fresh story requires a fresh bottle. Let me +ring for some claret." + + + + +CHAPTER XXXII + + +The servant who brought in the claret announced at the same time the +arrival of a fresh guest in the person of "Captain Moriarty," who +was welcomed by most of the party by the name of Randal. The Squire +regretted he was too late for dinner, inquiring at the same time if +he would like to have something to eat at the side-table; but Randal +declined the offer, assuring the Squire he had got some refreshment +during the day while he had been out shooting; but as the sport led, him +near Merryvale, and "he had a great thirst upon him," he did not know a +better house in the country wherein to have "that same" satisfied. + +"Then you're just in time for some cool claret," said the Squire; "so +sit down beside the doctor, for he must have the first glass and broach +the bottle, before he broaches the story he's going to tell us--that's +only fair." + +The doctor filled his glass, and tasted. "What a nice _'chateau,' +'Margaux'_ must be," said he, as he laid down his glass. "I should like +to be a tenant-at-will there, at a small rent." + +"And no taxes," said Dick. + +"Except my duty to the claret," replied the doctor. + + 'My favourite chateau, + Is that of Margaux.' + +"By-the-bye, talking of _chateau_, there's the big brewer over at the +town, who is anxious to affect gentility, and he heard some one use the +word _chapeau_, and having found out it was the French for _hat_, he +determined to show off on the earliest possible occasion, and selected +a public meeting of some sort to display his accomplishment. Taking +some cause of objection to the proceedings, as an excuse for leaving the +meeting, he said, 'Gentlemen, the fact is I can't agree with you, so I +may as well take my _chateau_ under my arm at once, and walk.'" + +[Illustration: Tom Organ Loftus and the Duke] + +"Is not that an invention of your own, doctor?" said the Squire. + +"I heard it for fact," said Growling. + +"And 't is true," added Murphy, "for I was present when he said it. And +at an earlier part of the proceedings he suggested that the parish clerk +should read the resolutions, because he had a good '_laudable_ voice.'" + +"A parish clerk ought to have," said the doctor--"eh, Father +Phil?--'_Laudamus!_'" + +"Leave your Latin," said Dick, "and tell us that story you promised +about the Duke and Tom Loftus." + +"Right, Misther Dick," said Father Phil. + +"The story, doctor," said the Squire. + +"Oh, don't make such bones about it," said Growling; "'tis but a trifle +after all; only it shows you what a queer and reckless rascal Tom is. I +told you he was called '_Organ_' Loftus by his friends, in consequence +of the imitation he makes of that instrument; and it certainly is worth +hearing and seeing, for your eyes have as much to do with the affair +as your ears. Tom plants himself on a high office-stool, before one of +those lofty desks with long rows of drawers down each side and a +hole between to put your legs under. Well, sir, Tom pulls out the +top drawers, like the stops of an organ, and the lower ones by way of +pedals: and then he begins thrashing the desk like the finger-board of +an organ with his hands, while his feet kick away at the lower drawers +as if he were the greatest pedal performer out of Germany, and he +emits a rapid succession of grunts and squeaks, producing a ludicrous +reminiscence of the instrument, which I defy any one to hear without +laughing. Several sows and an indefinite number of sucking pigs could +not make a greater noise, and Tom himself declares he studied the +instrument in a pigsty, which he maintains gave the first notion of +an organ. Well, sir, the youths in the office assist in 'doing the +service,' as they call it, that is, making an imitation of the chanting +and so forth in St. Patrick's Cathedral." + +"Oh, the haythens!" said Father Phil. + +"One does Spray, and another Weyman, and another Sir John Stevenson, and +so on; and they go on responsing and singing 'Amen' till the Ordnance +Office rings again." + +"Have they nothing better to do?" asked the Squire. + +"Very little but reading the papers," said the doctor. + +"Well--Tom--you must know, sir--was transferred some time ago, by the +interest of many influential friends, to the London department; and the +fame of his musical powers had gone before him from some of the English +clerks in Ireland who had been advanced to the higher posts in Dublin, +and kept up correspondence with their old friends in London; and it was +not long until Tom was requested to go through an anthem on the great +office-desk. Tom was only too glad to be asked, and he kept the +whole office in a roar for an hour with all the varieties of the +instrument--from the diapason to the flute-stop--and the devil a more +business was done in the office _that_ day, and Tom before long made the +sober English fellows as great idlers as the chaps in Dublin. Well--it +was not long until a sudden flush of business came upon the department, +in consequence of the urgent preparations making for supplies to Spain, +at the time the Duke was going there to take the command of the army, +and organ-playing was set aside for some days; but the fellows, after +a week's abstinence, began to yearn for it and Tom was requested to 'do +the service.' Tom, nothing loath, threw aside his official papers, set +up a big ledger before him, and commenced his legerdemain, as he called +it, pulled out his stops, and began to work away like a weaver, while +every now and then he swore at the bellows-blower for not giving him +wind enough, whereupon the choristers would kick the bellows-blower to +accelerate his flatulency. Well, sir, they were in the middle of the +service, and all the blackguards making the responses in due season, +when, just as Tom was quivering under a portentous grunt, which might +have shamed the principal diapason of Harlaem, and the subs were +drawing out a resplendent 'A-a-a-men,' the door opened, and in walked a +smart-looking gentleman, with rather a large nose and quick eye, which +latter glanced round the office, where a sudden endeavour was made by +everybody to get back to his place. The smart gentleman seemed rather +surprised to see a little fat man blowing at a desk instead of the +fire, and long Tom kicking, grunting, and squealing like mad. The +bellows-blower was so taken by surprise he couldn't stir, and Tom, +having his back to them, did not see what had taken place, and went on +as if nothing had happened, till the smart gentleman went up to him, and +tapping on Tom's desk with a little riding-whip, he said, 'I'm sorry to +disturb you, sir, but I wish to know what you're about.' 'We're doing +the service, sir,' said Tom, no ways abashed at the sight of the +stranger, for he did not know it was Sir Arthur Wellesley was talking to +him. 'Not the _public_ service, sir,' said Sir Arthur. 'Yes, sir,' said +Tom, 'the service as by law established in the second year of the reign +of King Edward the Sixth,' and he favoured the future hero of Waterloo +with a touch of the organ. 'Who is the head of this office?' inquired +Sir Arthur. Tom, with a very gracious bow, replied, 'I am principal +organist, sir, and allow me to introduce you to the principal +bellows-blower'--and he pointed to the poor little man who let the +bellows fall from his hand as Sir Arthur fixed his eyes on him. Tom did +not perceive till now that all the clerks were taken with a sudden fit +of industry, and were writing away for the bare life; and he cast a +look of surprise round the office while Sir Arthur was looking at the +bellows-blower. One of the clerks made a wry face at Tom, which showed +him all was not right. 'Is this the way His Majesty's service generally +goes on here?' said Sir Arthur, sharply. No one answered; but Tom saw, +by the long faces of the clerks and the short question of the visitor, +that he was _somebody_. + +"'Some transports are waiting for ordnance stores, and I am referred +to this office,' said Sir Arthur; 'can any one give me a satisfactory +answer?' + +"The senior clerk present (for the head of the office was absent) came +forward and said, 'I believe, sir----' + +"'You _believe_, but you don't _know_,' said Sir Arthur; 'so I must wait +for stores while you are playing tomfoolery here. I'll report this.' +Then producing a little tablet and a pencil, he turned to Tom and said, +'Favour me with your name, sir?' + +"'I give you my honour, sir,' said Tom. + +"'I'd rather you'd give me the stores, sir,--I'll trouble you for your +name?' + +"'Upon my honour, sir,' said Tom, again. + +"'You seem to have a great deal of that article on your hands, sir,' +said Sir Arthur: 'you're an Irishman, I suppose?' + +"'Yes, sir,' said Tom. + +"'I thought so. Your name?' + +"'Loftus, sir.' + +"'Ely family?' + +"'No, sir.' + +"'Glad of it.' + +"He put up his tablet after writing the name. + +"'May I beg the favour to know, sir,' said Tom, 'to whom I have the +honour of addressing myself?' "'Sir Arthur Wellesley, sir.' + +"'Oh! J---s!' cried Tom, 'I'm done!' + +"Sir Arthur could not help laughing at the extraordinary change in Tom's +countenance; and Tom, taking advantage of this relaxation in his iron +manner, said in a most penitent tone, 'Oh, Sir Arthur Wellesley, only +forgive me this time, and 'pon my _sowl_ says he--with the richest +brogue--'I'll play a _Te Deum_ for the first licking you give the +French.' Sir Arthur smiled and left the office." + +"Did he report as he threatened?" asked the Squire. + +"'Faith, he did." + +"And Tom?" inquired Dick. + +"Was sent back to Ireland, sir." + +"That was hard, after the Duke smiled at him," said Murphy. + +"Well, he did not let him suffer in pocket; he was transferred at as a +good a salary to a less important department, but you know the Duke has +been celebrated all his life for never overlooking a breach of duty." + +"And who can blame him?" said Moriarty. + +"One great advantage of the practice has been," said the Squire, "that +no man has been better served. I remember hearing a striking instance of +what, perhaps, might be called severe justice, which he exercised on a +young and distinguished officer of artillery in Spain; and though one +cannot help pitying the case of the gallant young fellow who was the +sacrifice, yet the question of strict duty, _to the very word_, was +set at rest for ever under the Duke's command, and it saved much +_after_-trouble by making every officer satisfied, however fiery his +courage or tender his sense of being suspected of the white feather, +that implicit obedience was the course he _must_ pursue. The case +was this:--the army was going into action----" "What action was it?" +inquired Father Phil, with that remarkable alacrity which men of peace +evince in hearing the fullest particulars about war, perhaps because +it is forbidden to their cloth; one of the many instances of things +acquiring a fictitious value by being interdicted--just as Father Phil +himself might have been a Protestant only for the penal laws. + +"I don't know what action it was," said the Squire, "nor the officer's +name--for I don't set up for a military chronicler; but it was, as +I have been telling you, going into action that the Duke posted an +officer, with his six guns, at a certain point, telling him to remain +there until he had orders from _him_. Away went the rest of the army, +and the officer was left doing nothing at all, which he didn't like; +for he was one of those high-blooded gentlemen who are never so happy as +when they are making other people miserable, and he was longing for the +head of a French column to be hammering away at. In half an hour or +so he heard the distant sound of action, and it approached nearer and +nearer, until he heard it close behind him; and he wondered rather that +he was not invited to take a share in it, when, pat to his thought, up +came an _aide-de-camp_ at full speed, telling him that General Somebody +ordered him to bring up his guns. The officer asked did not the order +come from Lord Wellington? The _aide-de-camp_ said no, but from the +General, whoever he was. The officer explained that he was placed there +by Lord Wellington, under command not to move, unless by _an order from +himself_. The _aide-de-camp_ stated that the General's entire brigade +was being driven in and must be annihilated without the aid of the guns, +and asked, 'would he let a whole brigade be slaughtered?' in a tone +which wounded the young soldier's pride, savouring, as he thought it +did, of an imputation on his courage. He immediately ordered his guns +to move and joined battle with the General; but while he was away, an +_aide-de-camp_ from Lord Wellington rode up to where the guns _had been +posted,_ and, of course, no gun was to be had for the service which Lord +Wellington required. Well, the French were repulsed, as it happened; but +the want of those six guns seriously marred a preconcerted movement of +the Duke's, and the officer in command of them was immediately brought +to a court-martial, and would have lost his commission but for the +universal interest made in his favour by the general officers in +consideration of his former meritorious conduct and distinguished +gallantry, and under the peculiar circumstances of the case. They did +not break him, but he was suspended, and Lord Wellington sent him home +to England. Almost every general officer in the army endeavoured to get +his sentence revoked, lamenting the fate of a gallant fellow being sent +away for a slight error in judgment while the army was in hot action but +Lord Wellington was inexorable saying he must make an example to secure +himself in the perfect obedience of officers to their orders; and it had +the effect." + +"Well, that's what I call hard!" said Dick. + +"My dear Dick," said the Squire, "war is altogether a hard thing, and a +man has no business to be a General who isn't as hard as his own round +shot." + +"And what became of the _dear_ young man?" said Father Phil, who seemed +much touched by the readiness with which the _dear_ young man set off to +mow down the French. + +"I can tell you," said Moriarty, "for I served with him afterwards +in the Peninsula. He was let back after a year or so, and became so +thorough a disciplinarian, that he swore, when once he was at his post +'They might kill _his father_ before his face and he wouldn't budge +until he had orders.'" + +"A most Christian resolution," said the doctor. + +"Well, I can tell you," said Moriarty, "of a Frenchman, who made a +greater breach of discipline, and it was treated more leniently. I heard +the story from the man's own lips, and if I could only give you his +voice and gesture and manner it would amuse you. What fellows those +Frenchmen are, to be sure, for telling a story! they make a shrug or +a wink have twenty different meanings, and their claws are most +eloquent--one might say they talk on their fingers--and their broken +English, I think, helps them." + +"Then give the story, Randal, in his manner," said Dick. "I have heard +you imitate a Frenchman capitally." + +"Well, here goes," said Moriarty "but let me wet my whistle with a +glass of claret before I begin--a French story should have French wine." +Randal tossed off one glass, and filled a second by way of reserve, and +then began the French officer's story. + +"You see, sare, it vos ven in _Espagne_ de bivouac vos vairy ard indeet +'pon us, vor we coot naut get into de town at all, nevair, becos you +dam Ingelish keep all de town to yoursefs--vor we fall back at dat time +becos we get not support--no _corps de reserve_, you perceive--so ve mek +_retrograde_ movement--not _retreat_--no, no--but _retrograde_ movement. +Vell--von night I was wit my picket guart, and it was raining like de +devil, and de vind vos vinding up de valley, so cold as noting at all, +and de dark vos vot you could not see--no--not your nose bevore your +face. Vell, I hear de tramp of horse, and I look into de dark--for ve +vere vairy moche on the _qui vive_, because ve expec de Ingelish to +attaque de next day--but I see noting; but de tramp of horse come closer +and closer, and at last I ask, 'Who is dere?' and de tramp of de horse +stop. I run forward, and den I see Ingelish offisair of cavallerie. I +address him, and tell him he is in our lines, but I do not vant to mek +him prisonair--for you must know dat he _vos_ prisonair, if I like, ven +he vos vithin our line. He is very polite--he says, '_Bien oblige--bon +enfant_;' and we tek off our hat to each ozer. 'I aff lost my roat,' he +say; and I say, 'Yais'--bote I vill put him into his roat, and so I ask +for a moment pardon, and go back to my _caporal_, and tell him to be on +de _qui vive_ till I come back. De Ingelish offisair and me talk very +plaisant vile we go togezer down de leetel roat, and ven we come to de +turn, I say, '_Bon soir_, Monsieur le Capitaine--dat is your vay.' He +den tank me, vera moche like gentilman, and vish he coot mek me some +return for my generosite, as he please to say--and I say, '_Bah!_ +Ingelish gentilman vood do de same to French offisair who lose his vay.' +'Den come here,' he say, '_bon enfant_, can you leave your post for 'aff +an hour?' 'Leave my post?' I say. 'Yais,' said he, 'I know your army has +not moche provision lately, and maybe you are ongrie?' '_Ma foi_, yais,' +said I; 'I aff naut slips to my eyes, nor meat to my stomach, for more +dan fife days.' 'Veil, _bon enfant_,' he say, 'come vis me, and I vill +gif you good supper, goot vine, and goot velcome.' 'Coot I leave my +post?' I say. He say, '_Bah! Caporal_ take care till you come back.' By +gar, I coot naut resist--_he_ vos so _vairy_ moche gentilman and _I_ +vos so ongrie--I go vis him--not fife hunder yarts--_ah! bon Dieu_--how +nice! In de corner of a leetel ruin chapel dere is nice bit of fire, and +hang on a string before it de half of a kid--_oh ciel!_ de smell of +de _ros-bif_ was so nice--I rub my hands to de fire--I sniff de +_cuisine_--I see in anozer corner a couple bottles of wine--_sacre_! it +vos all watair in my mouts! Ve sit down to suppair--I nevair did ate so +moche in my life. Ve did finish de bones, and vosh down all mid ver good +wine--_excellent!_ Ve drink de toast--_a la gloire_--and we talk of de +campaign. Ve drink _a la Patrie_, and den _I_ tink of _la belle France_ +and _ma douce amie_--and _he_ fissel, 'Got safe de king.' Ve den drink +_a l'amitie_, and shek hands over dat fire in good frainship--dem two +hands that might cross de swords in de morning. Yais, sair, dat was +fine--'t was _galliard_--'t was _la vrai chivalrie_--two sojair ennemi +to share de same kid, drink de same wine, and talk like two friends. +Vell, I got den so sleepy, dat my eyes go blink, blink, and my goot +friend says to me, 'Sleep, old fellow; I know you aff got hard fare of +late, and you are tired; sleep, all is quiet for to-night, and I will +call you before dawn.' Sair, I vos _so_ tired, I forgot my duty, and +fall down fast asleep. Veil, sair, in de night de pickets of de two +armie get so close, and mix up, dat some shot gets fired, and in one +moment all in confusion. I am shake by de shoulder--I wake like from +dream--I heard sharp _fusillade_--my friend cry, 'Fly to your post, it +is attack!' We exchange one shek of de hand, and I run off to my post. +_Oh, ciel!_--it is driven in--I see dem fly. _Oh, mon desespoir a ce +moment-la!_ I am ruin--_deshonore_--I rush to de front--I rally _mes +braves_--ve stand!--ve advance!!--ve regain de post!!!--I am safe!!!! De +_fusillade_ cease--it is only an affair of outposts. I tink I am safe--I +tink I am very fine fellow--but Monsieur _l'Aide-Major_ send for me and +speak, 'Vere vos you last night, sair?' 'I mount guard by de mill.' 'Are +you sure?' '_Oui, monsieur._' 'Vere vos you when your post vos attack?' +I saw it vos no use to deny any longair, so I confess to him everyting. +'Sair,' said he, 'you rally your men very good, _or you should be shot!_ +Young man, remember,' said he--I will never forget his vorts--'young +man, _vine is goot--slip is goot--goat is goot--but honners is +betters!'"_ + +"A capital story, Randal," cried Dick; "but how much of it did you +invent?" + +"'Pon my life, it is as near the original as possible." + +"Besides, that is not a fair way of using a story," said the doctor. +"You should take a story as you get it, and not play the dissector upon +it, mangling its poor body to discover the bit of embellishment; and as +long as a _raconteur_ maintains _vraisemblance_, I contend you are bound +to receive the whole as true." + +"A most author-like creed, doctor," said Dick; "you are a story-teller +yourself, and enter upon the defence of your craft with great spirit." + +"And justice, too," said the Squire; "the doctor is quite right." + +"Don't suppose I can't see the little touches of the artist," said the +doctor; "but so long as they are in keeping with the picture, I +enjoy them; for instance, my friend Randal's touch of the Englishman +'_fissling Got safe de King'_ is very happy--quite in character." + +"Well, good or bad, the story in substance is true," said Randal, "and +puts the Englishman in a fine point of view--a generous fellow, sharing +his supper with his enemy whose sword may be through his body in the +next morning's 'affair.'" + +"But the Frenchman was generous to him first," remarked the Squire. + +"Certainly--I admit it," said Randal. "In short, they were both fine +fellows." + +"Oh, sir," said Father Phil, "the French are not deficient in a +chivalrous spirit. I heard once a very pretty little bit of anecdote +about the way they behaved to one of our regiments on a retreat in +Spain." + +"_Your_ regiments!" said Moriarty, who was rather fond of hitting hard +at a priest when he could; "a regiment of friars is it?" + +"No, captain, but of soldiers; and it's going through a river they +were, and the French, taking advantage of their helpless condition, were +peppering away at them hard and fast." + +"Very generous indeed!" said Moriarty, laughing. + +"Let me finish my story, captain, before you quiz it. I say they were +peppering them sorely while they were crossing the river, until some +women--the followers of the camp--ran down (poor creatures) to the +shore, and the stream was so deep in the middle they could scarcely ford +it; so some dragoons who were galloping as hard as they could out of +the fire pulled up on seeing the condition of the women-kind, and each +horseman took up a woman behind him, though it diminished his own power +of speeding from the danger. The moment the French saw this act of manly +courtesy, they ceased firing, gave the dragoons a cheer, and as long as +the women were within gunshot, not a trigger was pulled in the French +line, but volleys of cheers instead of ball-cartridge was sent after the +brigade till all the women were over. Now wasn't that generous?" + +"'T was a handsome thing!" was the universal remark. + +"And 'faith I can tell you, Captain Moriarty, the army took advantage of +it; for there was a great struggle to have the pleasure of the ladies' +company over the river." + +"I dare say, Father Phil," said the Squire, laughing. + +"Throth, Squire," said the _padre_, "fond of the girls as the soldiers +have the reputation of being, they never liked them better than that +same day." + +"Yes, yes," said Moriarty, a little piqued, for he rather affected the +"dare-devil." + +"I see you mean to insinuate that we soldiers fear fire." + +"I did not say 'fear,' captain--but they'd like to get out of it, for +all that, and small blame to them--aren't they flesh and blood like +ourselves?" + +"Not a bit like you," said Moriarty. "You sleek and smooth gentlemen who +live in luxurious peace know little of a soldier's danger or feelings." + +"Captain, we all have our dangers to go through; and may be a priest has +as many as a soldier; and we only show a difference of taste, after all, +in the selection." + +"Well, Father Blake, all I know is, that a true soldier fears nothing!" +said Moriarty with energy. + +"Maybe so," answered Father Phil, quietly. "It is quite clear, however," +said Murphy, "that war, with all its horrors, can call out occasionally +the finer feelings of our natures; but it is only such redeeming traits +as those we have heard which can reconcile us to it. I remember having +heard an incident of war, myself, which affected me much," said Murphy, +who caught the infection of military anecdote which circled the table; +and indeed there is no more catching theme can be started among men, for +it may be remarked that whenever it is broached it flows on until it is +rather more than time to go to the ladies. + +"It was in the earlier portion of the memorable day of Waterloo," said +Murphy, "that a young officer of the Guards received a wound which +brought him to the ground. His companions rushed on to seize some point +which their desperate valour was called on to carry, and he was left, +utterly unable to rise, for the wound was in his foot. He lay for some +hours with the thunder of that terrible day ringing around him, and many +a rush of horse and foot had passed close beside him. Towards the close +of the day he saw one of the Black Brunswick dragoons approaching, +who drew rein as his eye caught the young Guardsman, pale and almost +fainting, on the ground. He alighted, and finding he was not mortally +wounded, assisted him to rise, lifted him into his saddle, and helped +to support him there while he walked beside him to the English rear. The +Brunswicker was an old man; his brow and moustache were grey; despair +was in his sunken eye, and from time to time he looked up with an +expression of the deepest yearning into the face of the young soldier, +who saw big tears rolling down the veteran's cheek while he gazed upon +him. 'You seem in bitter sorrow, my kind friend,' said the stripling. +'No wonder,' answered the old man, with a hollow groan. 'I and my three +boys were in the same regiment--they were alive the morning of Ligny--I +am childless to-day. But I have revenged them!' he said fiercely, and +as he spoke he held out his sword, which was literally red with blood. +'But, oh! that will not bring me back my boys!' he exclaimed, relapsing +into his sorrow. 'My three gallant boys!'--and again he wept bitterly, +till clearing his eyes from the tears, and looking up in the young +soldier's handsome face, he said tenderly, 'You are like my youngest +one, and I could not let you lie on the field.'" + +Even the rollicking Murphy's eyes were moist as he recited this +anecdote; and as for Father Phil, he was quite melted, ejaculating in an +under tone, "Oh, my poor fellow! my poor fellow!" + +"So there," said Murphy, "is an example of a man, with revenge in his +heart, and his right arm tired with slaughter, suddenly melted into +gentleness by a resemblance to his child." + +"'T is very touching, but very sad," said the Squire. + +"My dear sir," said the doctor, with his peculiar dryness, "sadness is +the principal fruit which warfare must ever produce. You may talk of +glory as long as you like, but you cannot have your laurel without your +cypress, and though you may select certain bits of sentiment out of a +mass of horrors, if you allow me, I will give you one little story which +shan't keep you long, and will serve as a commentary upon war and glory +in general. + +"At the peace of 1803, I happened to be travelling through a town in +France where a certain count I knew resided. I waited upon him, and he +received me most cordially, and invited me to dinner. I made the excuse +that I was only _en route_, and supplied with but traveling costume, and +therefore not fit to present myself amongst the guests of such a house +as his. He assured me I should only meet his own family, and pledged +himself for Madame la Comtesse being willing to waive the ceremony of a +_grande toilette_. I went to the house at the appointed hour, and as +I passed through the hall I cast a glance at the dining-room and saw +a very long table laid. On arriving at the reception-room, I taxed the +count with having broken faith with me, and was about making my excuses +to the countess when she assured me the count had dealt honestly by me, +for that I was the only guest to join the family party. Well, we +sat down to dinner, three-and-twenty persons; myself, the count and +countess, and their _twenty children!_ and a more lovely family I never +saw; he a man in the vigour of life, she a still attractive woman, and +these their offspring lining the table, where the happy eyes of father +and mother glanced with pride and affection from one side to the other +on these future staffs of their old age. Well, the peace of Amiens +was of short duration, and I saw no more of the count till Napoleon's +abdication. Then I visited France again, and saw my old friend. But it +was a sad sight, sir, in that same house, where, little more than ten +years before, I had seen the bloom and beauty of twenty children, to +sit down with _three_--all he had left him. His sons had fallen in +battle--his daughters had died widowed, leaving but orphans. And thus it +was all over France. While the public voice shouted 'Glory!' wailing was +in her homes. Her temple of victory was filled with trophies, but her +hearths were made desolate." + +"Still, sir, a true soldier fears nothing," repeated Moriarty. + +"_Baithershin,_" said Father Phil. "'Faith I have been in places of +danger you'd be glad to get out of, I can tell you, as bould as you are, +captain." + +"You'll pardon me for doubting you, Father Blake," said Moriarty, rather +huffed. + +"'Faith then you wouldn't like to be where I was before I came here; +that is, in a mud cabin, where I was giving the last rites to six people +dying in the typhus fever." + +"Typhus!" exclaimed Moriarty, growing pale, and instinctively +withdrawing his chair as far as he could from the _padre_ beside whom he +sat. + +"Ay, typhus, sir; most inveterate typhus." + +"Gracious Heaven!" said Moriarty, rising, "how can you do such a +dreadful thing as run the risk of bearing infection into society?" + +"I thought soldiers were not afraid of anything," said Father Phil, +laughing at him; and the rest of the party joined in the merriment. + +"Fairly hit, Moriarty," said Dick. + +"Nonsense," said Moriarty; "when I spoke of danger, I meant such +open danger as--in short, not such insidious lurking abomination as +infection; for I contend that--" + +"Say no more, Randal," said Growling, "you're done!--Father Phil has +floored you." + +"I deny it," said Moriarty, warmly; but the more he denied it, the more +every one laughed at him. + +"You're more frightened than hurt, Moriarty," said the Squire; "for the +best of the joke is, Father Phil wasn't in contact with typhus at all, +but was riding with me--and 'tis but a joke." + +Here they all roared at Moriarty, who was excessively angry, but felt +himself in such a ridiculous position that he could not quarrel with +anybody. + +"Pardon me, my dear captain," said the Father; "I only wanted to show +you that a poor priest has to run the risk of his life just as much as +the boldest soldier of them all. But don't you think, Squire, 't is time +to join the ladies? I'm sure the tay will be tired waiting for us." + + + + +CHAPTER XXXIII + + +Mrs. Egan was engaged in some needlework, and Fanny turning over the +leaves of a music-book, and occasionally humming some bars of her +favourite songs, as the gentlemen came into the drawing-room. Fanny rose +from the pianoforte as they entered. + +"Oh, Miss Dawson," exclaimed Moriarty, "why tantalise us so much as +to let us see you seated in that place where you can render so much +delight, only to leave it as we enter?" + +Fanny turned off the captain's flourishing speech with a few lively +words and a smile, and took her seat at the tea-table to do the honours. +"The captain," said Father Phil to the doctor, "is equally great in love +or war." + +"And knows about as little of one as the other," said the doctor. "His +attacks are too open." + +"And therefore easily foiled," said Father Phil; "How that pretty +creature, with the turn of a word and a curl of her lip, upset him that +time! Oh! what a powerful thing a woman's smile is, doctor? I often +congratulate myself that my calling puts all such mundane follies and +attractions out of my way, when I see and know what fools wise men are +sometimes made by silly girls. Oh, it is fearful, doctor; though, of +course, part of the mysterious dispensation of an all-wise Providence." + +"That fools should have the mastery, is it?" inquired the doctor, drily, +with a mischievous query in his eye as well. "Tut, tut, tut, doctor," +replied Father Phil, impatiently; "you know well enough what I mean, +and I won't allow you to engage me in one of your ingenious battles of +words. I speak of that wonderful influence of the weaker sex over +the stronger, and how the word of a rosy lip outweighs sometimes the +resolves of a furrowed brow; and how the--pooh! pooh! I'm making a fool +of myself talking to you--but to make a long story short, I would rather +_wrastle_ out a logical dispute any day, or a tough argument of one of +the fathers, than refute some absurdity which fell from a pretty mouth +with a smile on it." + +"Oh, I quite agree with you," said the doctor, grinning, "that the +fathers are not half such dangerous customers as the daughters." + +"Ah, go along with you, doctor!" said Father Phil, with a good-humoured +laugh. "I see you are in one of your mischievous moods, and so I'll have +nothing more to say to you." + +The Father turned away to join the Squire, while the doctor took a seat +near Fanny Dawson and enjoyed a quiet little bit of conversation with +her, while Moriarty was turning over the leaves of her album; but the +brow of the captain, who affected a taste in poetry, became knit, and +his lip assumed a contemptuous curl, as he perused some lines, and asked +Fanny whose was the composition. + +"I forget," was Fanny's answer. + +"I don't wonder," said Moriarty; "the author is not worth remembering, +for they are very rough." + +Fanny did not seem pleased with the criticism, and said that, when sung +to the measure of the air written down on the opposite page, they were +very flowing. + +"But the principal phrase, the _'refrain'_ I may say, is so vulgar," +added Moriarty, returning to the charge. "The gentleman says, 'What +would you do?' and the lady answers, 'That's what I'd do.' Do you call +that poetry?" + +"I don't call _that_ poetry," said Fanny, with some emphasis on the +word; "but if you connect those two phrases with what is intermediately +written, and read all in the spirit of the entire of the verses, I think +there is poetry in them--but if not poetry, certainly feeling." + +"Can you tolerate '_That's what I'd do'?_--the pert answer of a +housemaid." + +"A phrase in itself homely," answered Fanny, "may become elevated by the +use to which it is applied." + +"Quite true, Miss Dawson," said the doctor, joining in the discussion. +"But what are these lines which excite Randal's ire?" + +"Here they are," said Moriarty. "I will read them, if you allow me, and +then judge between Miss Dawson and me. + + 'What will you do, love, when I am going, + With white sail flowing, + The seas beyond? + What will you do, love, when--'" + +"Stop thief!--stop thief!" cried the doctor. "Why, you are robbing +the poet of his reputation as fast as you can. You don't attend to the +rhythm of those lines--you don't give the ringing of the verse." + +"That's just what I have said in other words," said Fanny. "When sung to +the melody, they are smooth." + +"But a good reader, Miss Dawson," said the doctor, "will read verse with +the proper accent, just as a musician would divide it into bars; but my +friend Randal there, although he can tell a good story and hit off prose +very well, has no more notion of rhythm or poetry than new beer has of a +holiday." + +"And why, pray, has not new beer a notion of a holiday?" + +"Because, sir, it works of a Sunday." + +"Your _beer_ may be new, doctor, but your _joke_ is not--I have seen it +before in some old form." + +"Well, sir, if I found it in its old form, like a hare, and started it +fresh, it may do for folks to run after as well as anything else. But +you shan't escape your misdemeanour in mauling those verses as you have +done, by finding fault with my joke _redevivus._ You read those lines, +sir, like a bellman, without any attention to metre." + +"To be sure," said Father Phil, who had been listening for some time; +"they have a ring in them--" + +"Like a pig's nose," said the doctor. + +"Ah, be aisy," said Father Phil. "I say they have a ring in them like an +owld Latin canticle-- + + 'What _will_ you _do,_ love, when I am _go_-ing, + With white sail _flow_-ing, + The says be_yond?_' + +That's it!" + +"To be sure," said the doctor. "I vote for the Father's reading them out +on the spot." + +"Pray, do, Mister Blake," said Fanny. + +"Ah, Miss Dawson, what have I to do with reading love verses?" + +"Take the book, sir," said Growling, "and show me you have some faith in +your own sayings, by obeying a lady directly." + +"Pooh! pooh!" said the priest. + +"You _won't_ refuse me?" said Fanny, in a coaxing tone. + +"My dear Miss Dawson," said the _padre._ + +"_Father Phil!_" said Fanny, with one of her rosy smiles. + +"Oh, wow! wow! wow!" ejaculated the priest, in an amusing embarrassment, +"I see you will make me do whatever you like." So Father Phil gave the +rare example of a man acting up to his own theory, and could not resist +the demand that came from a pretty mouth. He took the book and read the +lines with much feeling, but, with an observance of rhythm so grotesque, +that it must be given in his own manner. + +WHAT WILL YOU DO, LOVE? + +I + + "What _will_ you _do_, love, when I am _go_-ing, + With white sail _flow_-ing, + The seas be-_yond?_ + What _will_ you _do_, love, when waves di-_vide_ us, + And friends may chide us, + For being _fond_?" + + "Though waves di-_vide_ us, and friends be _chi_-ding, + In faith a-_bi_-ding, + I'll still be true; + And I'll pray for _thee_ on the stormy _o_-cean, + In deep de-_vo_-tion,-- + That's _what_ I'll do!" + +II + + "What _would_ you _do_, love, if distant _ti_-dings + Thy fond con-_fi_-dings + Should under-_mine_ + And I a-_bi_-ding 'neath sultry _skies_, + Should think other _eyes_ + Were as bright as _thine_?" + + "Oh, name it _not_; though guilt and _shame_ + Were on thy _name_, + I'd still be _true_; + But that heart of _thine_, should another _share_ it, + I could not _bear it_;-- + What _would_ I do?" + +III + + "What _would_ you do, when, home re-_turn_-ing, + With hopes high _burn_-ing, + With wealth for _you_,-- + If my _bark_, that _bound_-ed o'er foreign _foam_, + Should be lost near _home_,-- + Ah, what _would_ you do?" + + "So them wert _spar_-d, I'd bless the _mor_-row, + In want and _sor_-row, + That left me _you_; + And I'd welcome _thee_ from the wasting _bil_-low, + My heart thy _pil_-low!-- + THAT'S _what_ I'd do!" + +[Footnote: NOTE TO THE THIRD EDITION.--The foregoing dialogue and +Moriarty's captious remarks were meant, when, they appeared in the first +edition, as a hit at a certain small critic--a would-be song-writer--who +does ill-natured articles for the Reviews, and expressed himself very +contemptuously of my songs because of their simplicity; or, as he was +pleased to phrase it, "I had a knack of putting common things together." +The song was written to illustrate my belief that the most common-place +expression, _appropriately applied_, may successfully serve the purposes +of the lyric; and here experience has proved me right, for this +very song of "What will you do?" (containing within it the other +common-place, "That's what I'd do") has been received with special +favour by the public, whose long-continued goodwill towards my +compositions generally I gratefully acknowledge.] + +"Well done, _padre!_" said the doctor; "with good emphasis and +discretion." + +"And now, my dear Miss Dawson," said Father Phil, "since I've read +the lines at your high bidding, will you sing them for me at my humble +asking?" + +"Very antithetically put, indeed," said Fanny; "but you must excuse me." + +"You said there was a tune to it?" + +"Yes; but I promised Captain Moriarty to sing him _this_," said Fanny, +going over to the pianoforte, and laying her hand on an open music-book. + +"Thanks, Miss Dawson," said Moriarty, following fast. + +Now, it was not that Fanny Dawson liked the captain that she was going +to sing the song; but she thought he had been rather "_mobbed_" by the +doctor and the _padre_ about the reading of the verses, and it was her +good breeding which made her pay this little attention to the worsted +party. She poured forth her sweet voice in a simple melody to the +following words:-- + +SAY NOT MY HEART IS COLD + +I + + "Say not my heart is cold, + Because of a silent tongue! + The lute of faultless mould + In silence oft hath hung. + The fountain soonest spent + Doth babble down the steep; + But the stream that _ever_ went + Is silent, strong, and deep. + +II + + "The charm of a secret life + Is given to choicest things:-- + Of flowers, the fragrance rife + Is wafted on viewless wings; + We see not the charmed air + Bearing some witching sound; + And ocean deep is where + The pearl of price is found. + +III + + "Where are the stars by day? + They burn, though all unseen! + And love of purest ray + Is like the stars, I ween: + Unmark'd is the gentle light + When the sunshine of joy appears, + But ever, in sorrow's night, + 'T will glitter upon thy tears!" + +"Well, Randal, does that poem satisfy your critical taste?--of the +singing there can be but one opinion." + +"Yes, I think it pretty," said Moriarty; "but there is one word in the +last verse I object to." + +"Which is that?" inquired Growling. + +"_Ween_" said the other, "'the stars, I ween,' I object to." + +"Don't you see the meaning of that?" inquired the doctor. "I think it is +a very happy allusion." + +"I don't see any allusion whatever," said the critic. + +"Don't you see the poet alluded to the stars in the _milky_ way, and +says, therefore, 'The stars I _wean_'?" + +"Bah! bah! doctor," exclaimed the critical captain; "you are in one +of your quizzing moods to-night, and it is in vain to expect a serious +answer from you." He turned on his heel as he spoke, and went away. + +"Moriarty, you know, Miss Dawson, is a man who affects a horror of +puns, and therefore I always punish him with as many as I can," said the +doctor, who was left by Moriarty's sudden pique to the enjoyment of a +pleasant chat with Fanny, and he was sorry when the hour arrived which +disturbed it by the breaking up of the party and the departure of the +guests. + + + + +CHAPTER XXXIV + + +When the Widow Rooney was forcibly ejected from the house of Mrs. James +Casey, and found that Andy was not the possessor of that lady's charms, +she posted off to Neck-or-Nothing Hall, to hear the full and true +account of the transaction from Andy himself. On arriving at the old +iron gate, and pulling the loud bell, she was spoken to through the +bars by the savage old janitor and told to "go out o' that." Mrs. Rooney +thought fate was using her hard in decreeing she was to receive denial +at every door, and endeavoured to obtain a parley with the gate-keeper, +to which he seemed no way inclined. + +"My name's Rooney, sir?" + +"There's plenty bad o' the name," was the civil rejoinder. + +"And my son's in Squire O'Grady's sarvice, sir." + +"Oh--you're the mother of the beauty we call Handy, eh?" + +"Yis, sir." + +"Well, he left the sarvice yistherday." + +"Is it lost the place?" + +"Yis." + +"Oh dear! Ah, sir, let me up to the house and spake to his honour, and +maybe he'll take back the boy." + +"He doesn't want any more servants at all--for he's dead." + +"Is it Squire O'Grady dead?" + +"Aye--did you never hear of a dead squire before?" + +"What did he die of, sir?" + +"Find out," said the sulky brute, walking back into his den. + +It was true--the renowned O'Grady was no more. The fever which had set +in from his "broiled bones," which he _would_ have in spite of anybody, +was found difficult of abatement; and the impossibility of keeping +him quiet, and his fits of passion, and consequent fresh supplies of +"broiled bones," rendered the malady unmanageable; and the very +day after Andy had left the house the fever took a bad turn, and in +four-and-twenty hours the stormy O'Grady was at peace. + +What a sudden change fell upon the house! All the wedding paraphernalia +which had been brought down lay neglected in the rooms where it had +been the object of the preceding day's admiration. The deep, absorbing, +silent grief of the wife,--the more audible sorrow of the girls,--the +subdued wildness of the reckless boys, as they trod silently past the +chamber where they no longer might dread reproof for their noise,--all +this was less touching than the effect the event had upon the old +dowager mother. While the senses of others were stunned by the blow, +hers became awakened by the shock; all her absurd aberration passed +away, and she sat in intellectual self-possession by the side of her +son's death-bed, which she never left until he was laid in his +coffin. He was the first and last of her sons. She had now none but +grandchildren to look upon--the intermediate generation had passed away, +and the gap yawned fearfully before her. It restored her, for the time, +perfectly to her senses; and she gave the necessary directions on the +melancholy occasion, and superintended all the sad ceremonials befitting +the time, with a calm and dignified resignation which impressed all +around her with wonder and respect. + +Superadded to the dismay which the death of the head of a family +produces was the terrible fear which existed that O'Grady's body would +be seized for debt--a barbarous practice, which, shame to say, is still +permitted. This fear made great precaution necessary to prevent persons +approaching the house, and accounts for the extra gruffness of the gate +porter. The wild body-guard of the wild chief was on doubly active duty; +and after four-and-twenty hours had passed over the reckless boys, the +interest they took in sharing and directing this watch and ward seemed +to outweigh all sorrowful consideration for the death of their +father. As for Gustavus, the consciousness of being now the master of +Neck-or-Nothing Hall was apparent in a boy not yet fifteen; and not only +in himself, but in the grey-headed retainers about him, this might be +seen: there was a shade more of deference--the boy was merged in "_the +young master_." But we must leave the house of mourning for the present, +and follow the Widow Rooney, who, as she tramped her way homeward, was +increasing in hideousness of visage every hour. Her nose was twice its +usual dimensions, and one eye was perfectly useless in showing her the +road. At last, however, as evening was closing, she reached her cabin, +and there was Andy, arrived before her, and telling Oonah, his cousin, +all his misadventures of the preceding day. + +The history was stopped for a while by their mutual explanations and +condolences with Mrs. Rooney, on the "cruel way her poor face was used." + +"And who done it all?" said Oonah. + +"Who but that born divil, Matty Dwyer--and sure they towld me _you_ were +married to her," said she to Andy. + +"So I was," said Andy, beginning the account of his misfortunes afresh +to his mother, who from time to time would break in with indiscriminate +maledictions on Andy, as well as his forsworn damsel; and when +the account was ended, she poured out a torrent of abuse upon her +unfortunate forsaken son, which riveted him to the floor in utter +amazement. + +"I thought I'd get pity here, at all events," said poor Andy; "but +instead o' that it's the worst word and the hardest name in your jaw you +have for me." + +"And sarve you right, you dirty cur," said his mother. "I ran off like +a fool when I heerd of your good fortune, and see the condition that +baggage left me in--my teeth knocked in and my eye knocked out, and all +for your foolery, because you couldn't keep what you got." + +"Sure, mother, I tell you--" + +"Howld your tongue, you _omadhaun!_ And then I go to Squire O'Grady's to +look for you, and there I hear you lost _that_ place, too." + +"Faix, it's little loss," said Andy. + +"That's all you know about it, you goose; you lose the place just when +the man's dead and you'd have had a shuit o' mournin'. Oh, you are the +most misfortunate divil, Andy Rooney, this day in Ireland--why did I +rear you at all?" + +"Squire O'Grady dead!" said Andy, in surprise and also with regret for +his late master. + +"Yis--and you've lost the mournin'--augh!" + +"Oh, the poor Squire!" said Andy. + +"The iligant new clothes!" grumbled Mrs. Rooney. "And then luck tumbles +into your way such as man never had; without a place, or a rap to bless +yourself with, you get a rich man's daughter for your wife, and you let +her slip through your fingers." + +"How could I help it?" said Andy. + +"Augh!--you bothered the job just the way you do everything," said his +mother. + +"Sure I was civil-spoken to her." + +"Augh!" said his mother. + +"And took no liberty." + +"You goose!" + +"And called her Miss." + +"Oh, indeed you missed it altogether." + +"And said I wasn't desarvin' of her." + +"That was thrue--_but you should not have towld her so_. Make a woman +think you're betther than her, and she'll like you." + +"And sure, when I endayvoured to make myself agreeable to her----" + +"_Endayvoured_!" repeated the old woman contemptuously. "_Endayvoured_, +indeed! Why didn't you _make_ yourself agreeable at once, you poor dirty +goose?--no, but you went sneaking about it--I know as well as if I was +looking at you--you went sneakin' and snivelin' until the girl took +a disgust to you; for there's nothing a woman despises so much as +shilly-shallying." + +"Sure, you won't hear my defince," said Andy. + +"Oh, indeed you're betther at defince than attack," said his mother. + +"Sure, the first little civil'ty I wanted to pay to her, she took up the +three-legged stool to me." + +"The divil mend you! And what civil'ty did you offer her?" + +"I made a grab at her cap, and I thought she'd have brained me." + +Oonah set up such a shout of laughter at Andy's notion of civility to +a girl, that the conversation was stopped for some time, and her aunt +remonstrated with her at her want of common sense; or, as she said, +hadn't she "more decency than to laugh at the poor fool's nonsense?" + +"What could I do agen the three-legged stool?" said Andy. + +"Where was your _own_ legs, and your own arms, and your own eyes, and +your own tongue?--eh?" + +"And sure I tell you it was all ready conthrived, and James Casey was +sent for, and came." + +"Yis," said the mother, "but not for a long time, you towld me yourself; +and what were you doing all that time? Sure, supposing you _wor_ only a +new acquaintance, any man worth a day's mate would have discoorsed her +over in the time and made her sinsible he was the best of husbands." + +"I tell you she wouldn't let me have her ear at all," said Andy. "Nor +her cap either," said Oonah, laughing. + +"And then Jim Casey kem." + +"And why did you let him in?" + +"It was _she_ let him in, I tell you." + +"And why did you let her? He was on the wrong side of the door--that's +the _outside_; and you on the right--that's the _inside_; and it was +_your_ house, and she was _your_ wife, and you were her masther, and +you had the rights of the church, and the rights of the law, and all the +rights on your side; barrin' right rayson--that you never had; and sure +without _that_, what's the use of all the other rights in the world?" + +"Sure, hadn't he his friends, _sthrong_, outside?" + +"No matther, if the door wasn't opened to them, for _then_ YOU would +have had a stronger friend than any o' them present among them." + +"Who?" inquired Andy. + +"The _hangman_" answered his mother; "for breaking doors is hanging +matther; and I say the presence of the hangman's always before people +when they have such a job to do, and makes them think twice sometimes +before they smash once; and so you had only to keep one woman's hands +quiet." + +"Faix, some of them would smash a door as soon as not," said Andy. + +"Well, then, you'd have the satisfaction of hanging them," said the +mother, "and that would be some consolation. But even as it is, I'll +have law for it--I will--for the property is yours, any how, though the +girl is gone--and indeed a brazen baggage she is, and is mighty heavy +in the hand. Oh, my poor eye!--it's like a coal of fire--but sure it was +worth the risk living with her for the sake of the purty property. And +sure I was thinkin' what a pleasure it would be living with you, and +tachin' your wife housekeepin', and bringing up the young turkeys and +the childhre--but, och hone, you'll never do a bit o' good, you that got +sitch careful bringin' up, Andy Rooney! Didn't I tache you manners, +you dirty hanginbone blackguard? Didn't I tache you your blessed +religion?--may the divil sweep you! Did I ever prevent you from sharing +the lavings of the pratees with the pig?--and didn't you often clane out +the pot with him? and you're no good afther all. I've turned my honest +penny by the pig, but I'll never make my money of _you_, Andy Rooney!" + +There was some minutes' silence after this eloquent outbreak of Andy's +mother, which was broken at last by Andy uttering a long sigh and an +ejaculation. + +"Och? it's a fine thing to be a gintleman," said Andy. + +"Cock you up!" said his mother. "Maybe it's a gintleman you want to be; +what puts that in your head, you _omadhaun_?" + +"Why, because a gintleman has no hardships, compared with one of uz. +Sure, if a gintleman was married, his wife wouldn't be tuk off from him +the way mine was." + +"Not so soon, maybe," said the mother, drily. + +"And if a gintleman brakes a horse's heart, he's only a '_bowld rider_,' +while a poor sarvant is a 'careless blackguard' for only taking a +sweat out of him. If a gintleman dhrinks till he can't see a hole in a +laddher, he's only '_feesh_--but '_dhrunk_' is the word for a poor man. +And if a gintleman kicks up a row, he's a 'fine sperited fellow,' while +a poor man is a 'disordherly vagabone' for the same; and the Justice +axes the one to dinner and sends th' other to jail. Oh, faix, the law +is a dainty lady; she takes people by the hand who can afford to wear +gloves, but people with brown fists must keep their distance." + +"I often remark," said his mother, "that fools spake mighty sinsible +betimes; but their wisdom all goes with their gab. Why didn't you take +a betther grip of your luck when you had it? You're wishing you wor +a gintleman, and yet when you had the best part of a gintleman (the +property, I mane) put into your way, you let it slip through your +fingers; and afther lettin' a fellow take a rich wife from you and turn +you out of your own house, you sit down on a stool there, and begin to +_wish_ indeed!--you sneakin' fool--wish, indeed! Och! if you wish with +one hand, and wash with th' other, which will be clane first--eh?" + +"What could I do agen eight?" asked Andy. + +"Why did you let them in, I say again?" said the mother, quickly. + +"Sure the blame wasn't with me," said Andy, "but with--" + +"Whisht, whisht, you goose!" said his mother. "Av course you'll blame +every one and everything but yourself--'_The losing horse blames the +saddle_.'" + +"Well, maybe it's all for the best," said Andy, "afther all." + +"Augh, howld your tongue!" + +"And if it _wasn't_ to be, how could it be?" + +"Listen to him!" + +"And Providence is over us all." + +"Oh! yis!" said the mother. "When fools make mistakes they lay the blame +on Providence. How have you the impidence to talk o' Providence in that +manner? _I'll_ tell you where the Providence was. Providence sent you to +Jack Dwyer's, and kep Jim Casey away, and put the anger into owld Jack's +heart--that's what the Providence did!--and made the opening for you to +spake up, and gave you a wife--a wife with _property!_ Ah, there's where +the Providence was!--and you were the masther of a snug house--that was +Providence! And wouldn't myself have been the one to be helping you +in the farm--rearing the powlts, milkin' the cow, makin' the iligant +butther, with lavings of butthermilk for the pigs--the sow thriving, and +the cocks and hens cheering your heart with their cacklin'--the hank +o' yarn on the wheel, and a hank of ingins up the chimbley--oh! there's +where the Providence would have been--that _would have been Providence +indeed!_--but never tell me that Providence turned you out of the house; +_that_ was your own _goostherumfoodle._" + +"Can't he take the law o' them, aunt?" inquired Oonah. + +"To be sure he can--and shall, too," said the mother. "I'll be off to +'torney Murphy to-morrow; I'll pursue her for my eye, and Andy for the +property, and I'll put them all in Chancery, the villains!" + +"It's Newgate they ought to be put in," said Andy. + +"Tut, you fool, Chancery is worse than Newgate: for people sometimes get +out of Newgate, but they never get out of Chancery, I hear." + +As Mrs. Rooney spoke, the latch of the door was raised, and a miserably +clad woman entered, closed the door immediately after her, and placed +the bar against it. The action attracted the attention of all the +inmates of the house, for the doors of the peasantry are universally +"left on the latch," and never secured against intrusion until the +family go to bed. + +"God save all here!" said the woman, as she approached the fire. + +"Oh, is that you, ragged Nance?" said Mrs. Rooney; for that was the +unenviable but descriptive title the new-comer was known by: and though +she knew it for her _soubriquet_, yet she also knew Mrs. Rooney would +not call her by it if she were not in an ill temper, so she began humbly +to explain the cause of her visit, when Mrs. Rooney broke in gruffly-- + +"Oh, you always make out a good rayson for coming; but we have nothing +for you to-night." + +"Throth, you do me wrong," said the beggar, "if you think I came +_shooling._ [Footnote: Going on chance here and there, to pick up what +one can.] It's only to keep harm from the innocent girl here." + +"Arrah, what harm would happen her, woman?" returned the widow, +savagely, rendered more morose by the humble bearing of her against whom +she directed her severity; as if she got more angry the less the poor +creature would give her cause to justify her harshness. "Isn't she +undher my roof here?" + +"But how long may she be left there?" asked the woman, significantly. + +"What do you mane, woman?" + +"I mane there's a plan to carry her off from you to-night." + +Oonah grew pale with true terror, and the widow screeched, after the +more approved manner of elderly ladies making believe they are very much +shocked, till Nance reminded her that crying would do no good, and +that it was requisite to make some preparation against the approaching +danger. Various plans were hastily suggested, and as hastily +relinquished, till Nance advised a measure which was deemed the best. It +was to dress Andy in female attire and let him be carried off in place +of the girl. Andy roared with laughter at the notion of being made a +girl of, and said the trick would instantly be seen through. + +"Not if you act your part well; just keep down the giggle, jewel, and +put on a moderate _phillelew,_ and do the thing nice and steady, and +you'll be the saving of your cousin here." + +"_You_ may deceive them with the dhress; and _I_ may do a bit of a small +_shilloo,_ like a _colleen_ in disthress, and that's all very well," +said Andy, "as far as seeing and hearing goes; but when they come to +grip me, sure they'll find out in a minute." + +"We'll stuff you out well with rags and sthraw, and they'll never know +the differ--besides, remember, the fellow that wants a girl never comes +for her himself, [Footnote: This is mostly the case.] but sends his +friends for her, and they won't know the differ--besides, they're all +dhrunk." + +"How do you know?" + +"Because they're always dhrunk--that same crew; and if they're not +dhrunk to-night, it's the first time in their lives they ever were +sober. So make haste, now, and put off your coat, till we make a purty +young colleen out o' you." + +It occurred now to the widow that it was a service of great danger Andy +was called on to perform; and with all her abuse of "_omadhaun_" she +did not like the notion of putting him in the way of losing his life, +perhaps. + +"They'll murdher the boy, maybe, when they find out the chate," said the +widow. + +"Not a bit," said Nance. + +"And suppose they did," said Andy, "I'd rather die, sure, than the +disgrace should fall upon Oonah, there." + +"God bless you, Andy dear!" said Oonah. "Sure, you have the kind heart, +anyhow; but I wouldn't for the world hurt or harm should come to you on +my account." + +"Oh, don't be afeard!" said Andy, cheerily; "divil a hair I value all +they can do; so dhress me up at once." + +After some more objections on the part of his mother, which Andy +overruled, the women all joined in making up Andy into as tempting +an imitation of feminality as they could contrive; but to bestow the +roundness of outline on the angular form of Andy was no easy matter, +and required more rags than the house afforded, so some straw was +indispensable, which the pig's bed only could supply. In the midst of +their fears, the women could not help laughing as they effected some +likeness to their own forms, with their stuffing and padding; but +to carry off the width of Andy's shoulders required a very ample and +voluptuous outline indeed, and Andy could not help wishing the straw +was a little sweeter which they were packing under his nose. At last, +however, after soaping down his straggling hair on his forehead, and +tying a bonnet upon his head to shade his face as much as possible, the +disguise was completed, and the next move was to put Oonah in a place of +safety. + +"Get upon the hurdle in the corner, under the thatch," said Nance. + +"Oh, I'd be afeard o' my life to stay in the house at all." + +"You'd be safe enough, I tell you," said Nance; "for once they see that +fine young woman there," pointing to Andy, and laughing, "they'll be +satisfied with the lob we've made for them." + +Oonah still expressed her fear of remaining in the cabin. + +"Then hide in the pratee-trench, behind the house." + +"That's better," said Oonah. + +"And now I must be going," said Nance; "for they must not see me when +they come." + +"Oh, don't leave me, Nance dear," cried Oonah, "for I'm sure I'll faint +with the fright when I hear them coming, if some one is not with me." + +Nance yielded to Oonah's fears and entreaties, and with many a blessing +and boundless thanks for the beggar-woman's kindness, Oonah led the +way to the little potato garden at the back of the house, and there +the women squatted themselves in one of the trenches and awaited the +impending event. + +[Illustration: The Abduction] + +It was not long in arriving. The tramp of approaching horses at a sharp +pace rang through the stillness of the night, and the women, crouching +flat beneath the overspreading branches of the potato tops, lay +breathless in the bottom of the trench, as the riders came up to the +widow's cottage and entered. There they found the widow and her pseudo +niece sitting at the fire; and three drunken vagabonds, for the fourth +was holding the horses outside, cut some fantastic capers round the +cabin, and making a mock obeisance to the widow, the spokesman addressed +her with-- + +"Your sarvant, ma'am!" + +"Who are yiz at all, gintleman, that comes to my place at this time o' +night, and what's your business?" + +"We want the loan o' that young woman there, ma'am," said the ruffian. + +Andy and his mother both uttered small squalls. + +"And as for who we are, ma'am, we're the blessed society of Saint +Joseph, ma'am--our coat of arms is two heads upon one pillow, and our +motty, 'Who's afraid?--Hurroo!'" shouted the savage, and he twirled his +stick and cut another caper. Then coming up to Andy, he addressed him +as "young woman," and said there was a fine strapping fellow whose heart +was breaking till he "rowled her in his arms." + +Andy and the mother both acted their parts very well. He rushed to the +arms of the old woman for protection, and screeched small, while the +widow shouted "_millia murther!_" at the top of her voice, and did not +give up her hold of the make-believe young woman until her cap was torn +half off, and her hair streamed about her face. She called on all the +saints in the calendar, as she knelt in the middle of the floor and +rocked to and fro, with her clasped hands raised to heaven, calling down +curses on the "villains and robbers" that were tearing her child from +her, while they threatened to stop her breath altogether if she did not +make less noise, and in the midst of the uproar dragged off Andy, whose +struggles and despair might have excited the suspicion of soberer men. +They lifted him up on a stout horse, in front of the most powerful man +of the party, who gripped Andy hard round the middle and pushed his +horse to a hand gallop, followed by the rest of the party. The proximity +of Andy to his _cavaliero_ made the latter sensible to the bad odour +of the pig's bed, which formed Andy's luxurious bust and bustle; but he +attributed the unsavoury scent to a bad breath on the lady's part, and +would sometimes address his charge thus:-- + +"Young woman, if you plaze, would you turn your face th' other way;" +then in a side soliloquy, "By Jaker, I wondher at Jack's taste--she's +a fine lump of a girl, but her breath is murther intirely--phew--young +woman, turn away your face, or by this and that I'll fall off the horse. +I've heerd of a bad breath that might knock a man down, but I never met +it till now. Oh, murther! it's worse it's growin'--I suppose 't is the +bumpin' she's gettin' that shakes the breath out of her sthrong--oh, +there it is again--phew!" + +It was as well, perhaps, for the prosecution of the deceit, that the +distaste the fellow conceived for his charge prevented any closer +approaches to Andy's visage, which might have dispelled the illusion +under which he still pushed forward to the hills and bumped poor Andy +towards the termination of his ride. Keeping a sharp look-out as he went +along, Andy soon was able to perceive they were making for that wild +part of the hills where he had discovered the private still on the night +of his temporary fright and imaginary rencontre with the giants, and the +conversation he partly overheard all recurred to him, and he saw at once +that Oonah was the person alluded to, whose name he could not catch, a +circumstance that cost him many a conjecture in the interim. This gave +him a clue to the persons into whose power he was about to fall, after +having so far defeated their scheme, and he saw he should have to deal +with very desperate and lawless parties. Remembering, moreover, the +herculean frame of the inamorato, he calculated on an awful thrashing as +the smallest penalty he should have to pay for deceiving him, but was, +nevertheless, determined to go through the adventure with a good heart, +to make deceit serve his turn as long as he might, and at the last, if +necessary, to make the best fight he could. + +As it happened, luck favoured Andy in his adventure, for the hero of the +blunderbuss (and he, it will be remembered, was the love-sick gentleman) +drank profusely on the night in question, quaffing deep potations to +the health of his Oonah, wishing luck to his friends and speed to their +horses, and every now and then ascending the ladder from the cave, and +looking out for the approach of the party. On one of these occasions, +from the unsteadiness of the ladder, or himself, or perhaps both, his +foot slipped, and he came to the ground with a heavy fall, in which his +head received so severe a blow that he became insensible, and it was +some time before his sister, who was an inhabitant of this den, could +restore him to consciousness. This she did, however, and the savage +recovered all the senses the whisky had left him; but still the stunning +effect of the fall cooled his courage considerably, and, as it were, +"bothered" him so, that he felt much less of the "gallant gay Lothario" +than he had done before the accident. + +The tramp of horses was heard overhead ere long, and _Shan More_, or +Big John, as the Hercules was called, told Bridget to go up to "the +darlin'," and help her down. + +"For that's a blackguard laddher," said he; "it turned undher me like +an eel, bad luck to it!--tell her I'd go up myself, only the ground is +slipping from undher me--and the laddher--" + +Bridget went off, leaving Jack growling forth anathemas against the +ground and the ladder, and returned speedily with the mock-lady and her +attendant squires. + +"Oh, my jewel!" roared Jack, as he caught sight of his prize. He +scrambled up on his legs, and made a rush at Andy, who imitated a +woman's scream and fright at the expected embrace; but it was with much +greater difficulty he suppressed his laughter at the headlong fall with +which Big Jack plunged his head into a heap of turf, [Footnote: Peat] +and hugged a sack of malt which lay beside it. + +Andy endeavoured to overcome the provocation to merriment by screeching; +and as Bridget caught the sound of this tendency towards laughter +between the screams, she thought it was the commencement of a fit +of hysterics, and it accounted all the better for Andy's extravagant +antics. + +"Oh, the craythur is frightened out of her life!" said Bridget. "Leave +her to me," said she to the men. "There, jewel machree!" she continued +to Andy, soothingly, "don't take on you that way--don't be afeerd, +you're among friends--Jack is only dhrunk dhrinking your health, +darlin', but he adores you." Andy screeched. + +"But don't be afeerd, you'll be thrated tender, and he'll marry you, +darlin', like an honest woman!" + +Andy squalled. + +"But not to-night, jewel--don't be frightened." + +Andy gave a heavy sob at the respite. + +"Boys, will you lift Jack out o' the turf, and carry him up into the +air? 't will be good for him, and this dacent girl will sleep with me +to-night." + +Andy couldn't resist a laugh at this, and Bridget feared the girl was +going off into hysterics again. + +"Aisy, dear--aisy--sure you'll be safe with me." + +"Ow! ow! ow!" shouted Andy. + +"Oh, murther!" cried Bridget, "the sterricks will be the death of her! +You blackguards, you frightened her coming up here, I'm sure." + +The men swore they behaved in the genteelest manner. "Well, take away +Jack, and the girl shall have share of my bed for this night." + +Andy shook internally with laughter. + +"Dear, dear, how she thrimbles!" cried Bridget, "Don't be so frightful, +_lanna machree_--there, now--they're taking Jack away, and you're alone +with myself and will have a nice sleep." + +The men all the time were removing _Shan More_ to upper air; and the +last sounds they heard as they left the cave were the coaxing tones of +Bridget's voice, inviting Andy, in the softest words, to go to bed. + + + + +CHAPTER XXXV + + +The workshops of Neck-or-Nothing Hall rang with the sounds of occupation +for two days after the demise of its former master. The hoarse grating +sound of the saw, the whistling of the plane, and the stroke of the +mallet denoted the presence of the carpenter; and the sharper clink of +a hammer told of old Fogy, the family "milliner," being at work; but +it was not on millinery Fogy was now employed, though neither was it +legitimate tinker's work. He was scrolling out with his shears, and +beating into form, a plate of tin, to serve for the shield on O'Grady's +coffin, which was to record his name, age, and day of departure; and +this was the second plate on which the old man worked, for one was +already finished in the corner. Why are there two coffin-plates? Enter +the carpenter's shop, and you will see the answer in two coffins the +carpenter has nearly completed. But why two coffins for one death? +Listen, reader, to a bit of Irish strategy. + +It has been stated that an apprehension was entertained of a seizure of +the inanimate body of O'Grady for the debts it had contracted in life, +and the harpy nature of the money-lender from whom this movement was +dreaded warranted the fear. Had O'Grady been popular, such a measure on +the part of a cruel creditor might have been defied, as the surrounding +peasantry would have risen _en masse_ to prevent it; but the hostile +position in which he had placed himself towards the people alienated the +natural affection they are born with for their chiefs, and any partial +defence the few fierce retainers whom individual interest had attached +to him could have made might have been insufficient; therefore, to save +his father's remains from the pollution (as the son considered) of a +bailiff's touch, Gustavus determined to achieve by stratagem what he +could not accomplish by force, and had two coffins constructed, the one +to be filled with stones and straw, and sent out by the front entrance +with all the demonstration of a real funeral, and be given up to the +attack it was feared would be made upon it while the other, put to its +legitimate use, should be placed on a raft, and floated down the river +to an ancient burial-ground which lay some miles below on the opposite +bank. A facility for this was afforded by a branch of the river running +up into the domain, as it will be remembered; and the scene of the +bearish freaks played upon Furlong was to witness a trick of a more +serious nature. + +While all these preparations were going forward, the "waking" was kept +up in all the barbarous style of old times; eating and drinking in +profusion went on in the house, and the kitchen of the hall rang with +joviality. The feats of sports and arms of the man who had passed +away were lauded, and his comparative achievements with those of +his progenitors gave rise to many a stirring anecdote; and bursts of +barbarous exultation, or more barbarous merriment, rang in the house +of death. There was no lack of whisky to fire the brains of these +revellers, for the standard of the measurement of family grandeur was, +too often, a liquid one in Ireland, even so recently as the time we +speak of; and the dozens of wine wasted during the life it helped to +shorten, and the posthumous gallons consumed in toasting to the memory +of the departed, were among the cherished remembrances of hereditary +honour. "There were two hogsheads of whisky drank at my father's wake!" +was but a moderate boast of a true Irish squire, fifty years ago. + +And now the last night of the wake approached, and the retainers +thronged to honour the obsequies of their departed chief with an +increased enthusiasm, which rose in proportion as the whisky got low; +and songs in praise of their present occupation--that is, getting +drunk--rang merrily round, and the sports of the field and the sorrows +and joys of love resounded; in short, the ruling passions of life +figured in rhyme and music in honour of this occasion of death--and as +death is the maker of widows, a very animated discussion on the subject +of widowhood arose, which afforded great scope for the rustic wits, and +was crowned by the song of "Widow Machree" being universally called for +by the company; and a fine-looking fellow with a merry eye and large +white teeth, which he amply displayed by a wide mouth, poured forth in +cheery tones a pretty lively air which suited well the humorous spirit +of the words:-- + +WIDOW MACHREE + + "Widow _machree_, it's no wonder you frown, + Och hone! widow machree: + 'Faith, it ruins your looks, that same dirty black gown, + Och hone! widow machree. + How altered your hair, + With that close cap you wear-- + 'Tis destroying your hair + Which should be flowing free: + Be no longer a churl + Of its black silken curl, + Och hone! widow machree. + + "Widow machree, now the summer is come, + Och hone! widow machree; + When everything smiles, should a beauty look glum! + Och hone! widow machree. + See the birds go in pairs, + And the rabbits and hares-- + Why even the bears + Now in couples agree; + And the mute little fish, + Though they can't spake, they wish, + Och hone! widow machree. + + "Widow machree, and when winter comes in, + Och hone! widow machree, + To be poking the fire all alone is a sin, + Och hone! widow machree, + Sure the shovel and tongs + To each other belongs, + And the kittle sings songs + Full of family glee, + While alone with your cup, + Like a hermit _you_ sup-- + Och hone! widow machree. + + "And how do you know, with the comforts I've towld, + Och hone! widow machree, + But you're keeping some poor fellow out in the cowld, + Och hone! widow machree. + With such sins on your head, + Sure your peace would be fled, + Could you sleep in your bed, + Without thinking to see + Some ghost or some sprite, + That would wake you each night, + Crying, 'Och hone! widow machree.' + + "Then take my advice, darling widow machree, + Och hone! widow machree, + And with my advice, 'faith I wish you'd take me, + Och hone! widow machree. + You'd have me to desire + Then to sit by the fire; + And sure hope is no liar + In whispering to me + That the ghosts would depart, + When you'd me near your heart, + Och hone! widow machree." + +The singer was honoured with a round of applause, and his challenge for +another lay was readily answered, and mirth and music filled the night +and ushered in the dawn of the day which was to witness the melancholy +sight of the master of an ample mansion being made the tenant of the +"narrow house." + +In the evening of that day, however, the wail rose loud and long; the +mirth which "the waking" permits had passed away, and the _ulican_, or +funeral cry, told that the lifeless chief was being borne from his hall. +That wild cry was heard even by the party who were waiting to make their +horrid seizure, and for _that_ party the stone-laden coffin was sent +with a retinue of mourners through the old iron gate of the principal +entrance, while the mortal remains were borne by a smaller party to the +river inlet and placed on the raft. Half an hour had witnessed a sham +fight on the part of O'Grady's people with the bailiffs and their +followers, who made the seizure they intended, and locked up their prize +in an old barn to which it had been conveyed, until some engagement on +the part of the heir should liberate it; while the aforesaid heir, as +soon as the shadows of evening had shrouded the river in obscurity, +conveyed the remains, which the myrmidons of the law fancied they +possessed, to its quiet and lonely resting-place. The raft was taken +in tow by a boat carrying two of the boys, and pulled by four lusty +retainers of the departed chief, while Gustavus himself stood on the +raft, astride over the coffin, and with an eel-spear, which had afforded +him many a day's sport, performed the melancholy task of guiding it. +It was a strangely painful yet beautiful sight to behold the graceful +figure of the fine boy engaged in this last sad duty; with dexterous +energy he plied his spear, now on this side and now on that, directing +the course of the raft, or clearing it from the flaggers which +interrupted its passage through the narrow inlet. This duty he had to +attend to for some time, even after leaving the little inlet; for the +river was much overgrown with flaggers at this point, and the increasing +darkness made the task more difficult. + +In the midst of all this action not one word was spoken, even the sturdy +boatmen were mute, and the fall of the oar in the rowlock, the plash of +the water, and the crushing sound of the yielding rushes as the "watery +bier" made its way through them were the only sounds which broke the +silence. Still Gustavus betrayed no emotion; but by the time they +reached the open stream, and that his personal exertion was no longer +required, a change came over him. It was night,--the measured beat of +the oars sounded like a knell to him--there was darkness above him and +death below, and he sank down upon the coffin, and plunging his face +passionately between his hands, he wept bitterly. Sad were the thoughts +that oppressed the brain and wrung the heart of the high-spirited +boy. He felt that his dead father was _escaping_, as it were, to +the grave,--that even death did not terminate the consequences of an +ill-spent life. He felt like a thief in the night, even in the execution +of his own stratagem, and the bitter thoughts of that sad and solemn +time wrought a potent spell over after-years; that one hour of misery +and disgrace influenced the entire of a future life. + +On a small hill overhanging the river was the ruin of an ancient early +temple of Christianity, and to its surrounding burial-ground a few of +the retainers had been despatched to prepare a grave. They were engaged +in this task by the light of a torch made of bog-pine, when the flicker +of the flame attracted the eye of a horseman who was riding slowly along +the neighbouring road. Wondering what could be the cause of light +in such a place, he leaped the adjoining fence and rode up to the +grave-yard. + +"What are you doing here?" he said to the labourers. They paused and +looked up, and the flash of the torch fell upon the features of +Edward O'Connor. "We're finishing your work," said one of the men with +malicious earnestness. + +"My work?" repeated Edward. + +"Yes," returned the man, more sternly than before--"this is the grave of +O'Grady." + +The words went like an ice-bolt through Edward's heart, and even by the +torchlight the tormentor could see his victim grew livid. + +The fellow who wounded so deeply one so generally beloved as Edward +O'Connor was a thorough ruffian. His answer to Edward's query sprang not +from love of O'Grady, nor abhorrence of taking human life, but from the +opportunity of retort which the occasion offered upon one who had once +checked him in an act of brutality. + +Yet Edward O'Connor could not reply--it was a home thrust. The death +of O'Grady had weighed heavily upon him; for though O'Grady's wound +had been given in honourable combat, provoked by his own fury, and not +producing immediate death; though that death had supervened upon the +subsequent intractability of the patient; yet the fact that O'Grady had +never been "up and doing" since the duel tended to give the impression +that his wound was the remote if not the immediate cause of his death, +and this circumstance weighed heavily on Edward's spirits. His friends +told him he felt over keenly upon the subject, and that no one but +himself could entertain a question of _his_ total innocence of O'Grady's +death; but when from the lips of a common peasant he got the answer +he did, and _that_ beside the grave of his adversary, it will not be +wondered at that he reeled in his saddle. A cold shivering sickness +came over him, and to avoid falling he alighted and leaned for support +against his horse, which stooped, when freed from the restraint of the +rein, to browse on the rank verdure; and for a moment Edward envied the +unconsciousness of the animal against which he leaned. He pressed his +forehead against the saddle, and from the depth of a bleeding heart came +up an agonised exclamation. + +A gentle hand was laid on his shoulder as he spoke, and, turning round, +he beheld Mr. Bermingham. + +"What brings you here?" said the clergyman. + +"Accident," answered Edward. "But why should I say accident?--it is by a +higher authority and a better--it is the will of Heaven. It is meant as +a bitter lesson to human pride: we make for ourselves laws of _honour_, +and forget the laws of God!" + +"Be calm, my young friend," said the worthy pastor; "I cannot wonder you +feel deeply--but command yourself." He pressed Edward's hand as he spoke +and left him, for he knew that an agony so keen is not benefited by +companionship. + +Mr. Bermingham was there by appointment to perform the burial service, +and he had not left Edward's side many minutes when a long wild whistle +from the waters announced the arrival of the boat and raft, and the +retainers ran down to the river, leaving the pine-torch stuck in the +upturned earth, waving its warm blaze over the cold grave. During +the interval which ensued between the departure of the men and their +reappearance, bearing the body to its last resting-place, Mr. Bermingham +spoke with Edward O'Connor, and soothed him into a more tranquil +bearing. When the coffin came within view he advanced to meet it, and +began the sublime burial-service, which he repeated most impressively. +When it was over, the men commenced filling up the grave. As the clods +fell upon the coffin, they smote the hearts of the dead man's children; +yet the boys stood upon the verge of the grave as long as a vestige +of the tenement of their lost father could be seen; but as soon as the +coffin was hidden, they withdrew from the brink, and the younger boys, +each taking hold of the hand of the eldest, seemed to imply the need +of mutual dependence:--as if death had drawn closer the bond of +brotherhood. + +There was no sincerer mourner at that place than Edward O'Connor, who +stood aloof, in respect for the feelings of the children of the departed +man, till the grave was quite filled up, and all were about to leave the +spot; but then his feelings overmastered him, and, impelled by a torrent +of contending emotions, he rushed forward, and throwing himself on his +knees before Gustavus, he held up his hands imploringly, and sobbed +forth, "Forgive me!" + +The astonished boy drew back. + +"Oh, forgive me!" repeated Edward--"I could not help it--it was forced +on me--it was--" + +As he struggled for utterance, even the rough retainers were touched, +and one of them exclaimed, "Oh, Mr. O'Connor, it was a fair fight!" + +"There!" exclaimed Edward--"you hear it! Oh, give me your hand in +forgiveness!" + +"I forgive you," said the boy, "but do not ask me to give you my hand +to-night." + +"You are right" said Edward, springing to his feet--"you are right--you +are a noble fellow; and now, remember my parting words, Gustavus:--Here, +by the side of your father's grave, I pledge you my soul that through +life and till death, in all extremity, Edward O'Connor is your sworn and +trusty friend." + + + + +CHAPTER XXXVI + + +While the foregoing scene of sadness took place in the lone churchyard, +unholy watch was kept over the second coffin by the myrmidons of the +law. The usurer who made the seizure had brought down from Dublin three +of the most determined bailiffs from amongst the tribe, and to their +care was committed the keeping of the supposed body in the old barn. +Associated with these worthies were a couple of ill-conditioned country +blackguards, who, for the sake of a bottle of whisky, would keep company +with Old Nick himself, and who expected, moreover, to hear "a power +o' news" from the "gentlemen" from Dublin, who, in their turn did not +object to have their guard strengthened, as their notions of a rescue in +the country parts of Ireland were anything but agreeable. The night was +cold, so, clearing away from one end of the barn the sheaves of corn +with which it was stored, they made a turf fire, stretched themselves +on a good shake-down of straw before the cheering blaze, and circulated +among them the whisky, of which they had a good store. A tap at the +door announced a new-comer; but the Dublin bailiffs, fearing a surprise, +hesitated to open to the knock until their country allies assured them +it was a friend whose voice they recognised. The door was opened, and in +walked Larry Hogan, to pick up his share of what was going, whatever it +might be, saying-- + +"I thought you wor for keeping me out altogether." + +"The gintlemin from Dublin was afeard of what they call a riskya" +(rescue), said the peasant, "till I told them 't was a friend." + +"Divil a riskya will come near you to-night," said Larry, "you may make +your minds aisy about that, for the people doesn't care enough about +_his_ bones to get their own broke in savin' him, and no wondher. It's +a lantherumswash bully he always was, quiet as he is now. And there you +are, my bold squire," said he, apostrophising the coffin which had +been thrown on a heap of sheaves. "Faix, it's a good kitchen you kep', +anyhow, whenever you had it to spind; and indeed when you _hadn't_ you +spint it all the same, for the divil a much you cared how you got +it; but death has made you pay the reckoning at last--that thing that +filly-officers call the debt o' nature must be paid, whatever else you +may owe." + +"Why, it's as good as a sarmon to hear you," said one of the bailiffs. +"O Larry, sir, discourses iligant," said a peasant. + +"Tut, tut, tut," said Larry, with affected modesty: "it's not what _I_ +say, but I can tell you a thing that Docthor Growlin' put out on him +more nor a year ago, which was mighty 'cute. Scholars calls it an +'epithet of dissipation,' which means getting a man's tombstone ready +for him before he dies; and divil a more cutting thing was ever cut on a +tombstone than the doctor's rhyme; this is it-- + + 'Here lies O'Grady, that cantankerous creature, + Who paid, as all must pay, the debt of nature; + But, keeping to his general maxim still, + Paid it--like other debts--against his will.'" + +[Footnote: These bitter lines on a "bad pay" were written by a Dublin +medical wit of high repute, of whom Dr. Growling is a prototype.] + +"What do _you_ think o' that, Goggins?" inquired one bailiff from the +other; "you're a judge o' po'thry." + +"It's _sevare,"_ answered Goggins, authoritatively, "but _coorse,_ I +wish you'd brile the rashers; I begin to feel the calls o' nature, as +the poet says." + +This Mister Goggins was a character in his way. He had the greatest +longing to be thought a poet, put execrable couplets together +sometimes, and always talked as fine as he could; and his mixture of +sentimentality, with a large stock of blackguardism, produced a strange +jumble. + +"The people here thought it nate, sir," said Larry. + +"Oh, very well for the country!" said Goggins; "but 't wouldn't do for +town." + +"Misther Coggings knows best," said the bailiff who first spoke, "for +he's a pote himself, and writes in the newspapers." + +"Oh, indeed!" said Larry. + +"Yes," said Goggins, "sometimes I throw off little things for the +newspapers. There's a friend of mine you see, a gentleman connected with +the press, who is often in defficulties, and I give him a hint to keep +out o' the way when he's in trouble, and he swears I've a genus for the +muses, and encourages me--" + +"Humph!" says Larry. + +"And puts my things in the paper, when he gets the editor's back turned, +for the editor is a consaited chap that likes no one's po'thry but his +own; but never mind--if I ever get a writ against that chap, _won't_ I +sarve it!" + +"And I dar say some day you will have it agen him, sir," said Larry. + +"Sure of it, a'most," said Goggins; "them litherary men is always in +defficulties." + +"I wondher you'd be like them, then, and write at all," said Larry. + +"Oh, as for me, it's only by way of amusement; attached as I am to the +legal profession, my time wouldn't permit; but I have been infected by +the company I kept. The living images that creeps over a man sometimes +is irresistible, and you have no pace till you get them out o' your +head." + +"Oh, indeed, they are very throublesome," says Larry, "and are the +litherary gintlemen, sir, as you call them, mostly that way?" + +"To be sure; it is _that_ which makes a litherary man: his head is +full--teems with creation, sir." + +"Dear, dear!" said Larry. + +"And when once the itch of litherature comes over a man, nothing can +cure it but the scratching of a pen." + +"But if you have not a pen, I suppose you must scratch any other way you +can." + +"To be sure," said Goggins, "I have seen a litherary gentleman in a +sponging-house do crack things on the wall with a bit of burnt stick, +rather than be idle--they must execute." + +"Ha!" says Larry. + +"Sometimes, in all their poverty and difficulty, I envy the 'fatal +fatality,' as the poet says, of such men in catching ideas." + +"That's the genteel name for it," says Larry. + +"Oh!" exclaimed Goggins, enthusiastically, "I know the satisfaction of +catching a man, but it's nothing at all compared to catching an idea. +For the man, you see, can give hail and get off, but the idea is your +own for ever. And then a rhyme--when it has puzzled you all day, the +pleasure you have in _nabbing_ it at last!" + +"Oh, it's po'thry you're spakin' about," said Larry. + +"To be sure," said Goggins; "do you think I'd throw away my time on +prose? You're burning that bacon, Tim," said he to his _sub_. + +"Poethry, agen the world!" continued he to Larry, "the Castilian +sthraime for me!--Hand us that whisky"--he put the bottle to his mouth +and took a swig--"That's good--you do a bit of private here, I suspect," +said he, with a wink, pointing to the bottle. + +Larry returned a significant grin, but said nothing. Oh, don't be afraid +o' me--I would n't'peach--" + +"Sure it's agen the law, and you're a gintleman o' the law," said Larry. + +"That's no rule," said Goggins: "the Lord Chief Justice always goes to +bed, they say, with six tumblers o' potteen under his belt; and dhrink +it myself." + +"Arrah, how do you get it?" said Larry. + +"From a gentleman, a friend o' mine, in the Custom-house." + +"A-dad, that's quare," said Larry, laughing. + +"Oh, we see queer things, I tell you," said Goggins, "we gentlemen of +the law." + +"To be sure you must," returned Larry; "and mighty improvin' it must be. +Did you ever catch a thief, sir?" + +"My good man, you mistake my profession," said Goggins, proudly; "we +never have anything to do in the _criminal_ line, that's much beneath +_us_." + +"I ax your pardon, sir." + +"No offence--no offence." + +"But it must be mighty improvin', I think, ketching of thieves, and +finding out their thricks and hidin'-places, and the like?" + +"Yes, yes," said Goggins, "good fun; though I don't do it, I know all +about it, and could tell queer things too." + +"Arrah, maybe you would, sir?" said Larry. + +"Maybe I will, after we nibble some rashers--will you take share?" + +"Musha, long life to you," said Larry, always willing to get whatever he +could. A repast was now made, more resembling a feast of savages round +their war-fire than any civilised meal; slices of bacon broiled in +the fire, and eggs roasted in the turf-ashes. The viands were not +objectionable; but the cooking! Oh!--there was neither gridiron nor +frying-pan, fork nor spoon; a couple of clasp-knives served the whole +party. Nevertheless, they satisfied their hunger and then sent the +bottle on its exhilarating round. Soon after that, many a story of +burglary, robbery, swindling, petty larceny, and every conceivable +crime, was related for the amusement of the circle; and the plots +and counterplots of thieves and thief-takers raised the wonder of the +peasants. Larry Hogan was especially delighted; more particularly when +some trick of either villany or cunning came out. + +"Now women are troublesome cattle to deal with mostly," said Goggins. +"They are remarkably 'cute first, and then they are spiteful after; +and for circumventin' _either_ way are sharp hands. You see they do it +quieter than men; a man will make a noise about it, but a woman does +it all on the sly. There was Bill Morgan--and a sharp fellow he was, +too--and he had set his heart on some silver spoons he used to see down +in a kitchen windy, but the servant-maid, somehow or other, suspected +there was designs about the place, and was on the watch. Well, one +night, when she was all alone, she heard a noise outside the windy, so +she kept as quiet as a mouse. By-and-by the sash was attempted to be +riz from the outside, so she laid hold of a kittle of boiling wather and +stood hid behind the shutter. The windy was now riz a little, and a hand +and arm thrust in to throw up the sash altogether, when the girl poured +the boiling wather down the sleeve of Bill's coat. Bill roared with +the pain, when the girl said to him, laughing, through the windy, 'I +_thought_ you came for something.'" + +"That was a 'cute girl," said Larry, chuckling. + +"Well, now, that's an instance of a woman's cleverness in preventing. +I'll teach you one of her determination to discover and prosecute to +conviction; and in this case, what makes it curious is, that Jack Tate +had done the bowldest thing, and run the greatest risks, 'the +eminent deadly,' as the poet says, when he was done up at last by a +feather-bed." + +"A feather-bed," repeated Larry, wondering how a feather-bed could +influence the fate of a bold burglar, while Goggins mistook his +exclamation of surprise to signify the paltriness of the prize, and +therefore chimed in with him. + +"Quite true--no wonder you wonder--quite below a man of his pluck; but +the fact was, a sweetheart of his was longing for a feather-bed, and +Jack determined to get it. Well, he marched into a house, the door of +which he found open, and went up-stairs, and took the best feather-bed +in the house, tied it up in the best quilt, crammed some caps and +ribbons he saw lying about into the bundle, and marched down-stairs +again; but you see, in carrying off even the small thing of a +feather-bed, Jack showed the skill of a high practitioner, for he +descendhered the stairs backwards." + +"Backwards!" said Larry, "what was that for?" + +"You'll see by-and-by," said Goggins; "he descendhered backwards when +suddenly he heard a door opening, and a faymale voice exclaim, 'Where +are you going with that bed?' + +"'I am going up-stairs with it, ma'am,' says Jack, whose backward +position favoured his lie, and he began to walk up again. + +"'Come down here,' said the lady, 'we want no beds here, man.' + +"'Mr. Sullivan, ma'am, sent me home with it himself,' said Jack, still +mounting the stairs. + +"'Come down, I tell you,' said the lady, in a great rage. 'There's +no Mr. Sullivan lives here--go out of this with your bed, you stupid +fellow.' + +"'I beg your pardon, ma'am,' says Jack, turning round, and marching off +with the bed fair and aisy. Well, there was a regular shilloo in the +house when the thing was found out, and cart-ropes wouldn't howld the +lady for the rage she was in at being diddled; so she offered rewards, +and the dickens knows all; and what do you think at last discovered our +poor Jack?" + +"The sweetheart, maybe," said Larry, grinning in ecstasy at the thought +of human perfidy. + +"No," said Goggins, "honour even among sweethearts, though they do the +trick sometimes, I confess; but no woman of any honour would betray a +great man like Jack. No--'t was one of the paltry ribbons that brought +conviction home to him; the woman never lost sight of hunting up +evidence about her feather-bed, and, in the end, a ribbon out of one of +her caps settled the hash of Jack Tate." + +From robbings they went on to tell of murders, and at last that +uncomfortable sensation which people experience after a feast of horrors +began to pervade the party; and whenever they looked round, _there_ was +the coffin in the background. + +"Throw some turf on the fire," said Goggins, "'t is burning low; +and change the subject; the tragic muse has reigned sufficiently +long--enough of the dagger and the bowl--sink the socks and put on the +buckskins. Leather away, Jim--sing us a song." + +"What is it to be?" asked Jim. + +"Oh--that last song of the Solicitor-General's," said Goggins, with an +air as if the Solicitor-General were his particular friend. + +"About the robbery?" inquired Jim. + +"To be sure," returned Goggins. + +"Dear me," said Larry, "and would so grate a man as the +Solicithor-General demane himself by writin' about robbers?" + +"Oh!" said Goggins, "those in the heavy profession of the law must have +their little private moments of rollickzation; and then high men, you +see, like to do a bit of low by way of variety. 'The Night before Larry +was stretched' was done by a bishop, they say; and 'Lord Altamont's +Bull' by the Lord Chief Justice; and the Solicitor-General is as up to +fun as any bishop of them all. Come, Jim, tip us the stave!" + +Jim cleared his throat and obeyed his chief. + +THE QUAKER'S MEETING + +I + + "A traveller wended the wilds among, + With a purse of gold and a silver tongue; + His hat it was broad, and all drab were his clothes, + For he hated high colours--except on his nose, + And he met with a lady, the story goes. + Heigho! _yea_ thee and _nay_ thee. + +II + + "The damsel she cast him a merry blink, + And the traveller nothing was loth, I think; + Her merry black eye beamed her bonnet beneath, + And the quaker, he grinned, for he'd very good teeth, + And he asked, 'Art thee [1] going to ride on the heath?' + Heigho! _yea_ thee and _nay_ thee. + +[1][Footnote: The inferior class of quakers make THEE serve not only its +own grammatical use, but also do the duty of THY and THINE.] + +III + + "'I hope you'll protect me, kind sir,' said the maid, + 'As to ride this heath over I'm sadly afraid; + For robbers, they say, here in numbers abound, + And I wouldn't "for anything" I should be found, + For, between you and me, I have five hundred pound.' + Heigho! _yea_ thee and _nay_ thee. + +IV + + "'If that is thee own, dear,' the quaker he said, + 'I ne'er saw a maiden I sooner would wed; + And I have another five hundred just now, + In the padding that's under my saddle-bow, + And I'll settle it all upon thee, I vow!' + Heigho! _yea_ thee and _nay_ thee. + +V + + "The maiden she smiled, and her rein she drew, + 'Your offer I'll take, though I'll not take you;' + A pistol she held at the quaker's head-- + 'Now give me your gold, or I'll give you my lead, + 'Tis under the saddle I think you said.' + Heigho! _yea_ thee and _nay_ thee. + +VI + + "The damsel she ripp'd up the saddle-bow, + And the quaker was never a quaker till now; + And he saw by the fair one he wish'd for a bride + His purse borne away with a swaggering stride, + And the eye that looked tender now only defied. + Heigho! _yea_ thee and _nay_ thee. + +VII + + "'The spirit doth move me, friend Broadbrim,' quoth she, + 'To take all this filthy temptation from thee; + For Mammon deceiveth, and beauty is fleeting: + Accept from thy _maai-d'n_ a right loving greeting, + For much doth she profit by this quaker's meeting. + Heigho! _yea_ thee and _nay_ thee. + +VIII + + "'And hark! jolly quaker, so rosy and sly, + Have righteousness more than a wench in thine eye, + Don't go again peeping girls' bonnets beneath, + Remember the one that you met on the heath, + _Her_ name's _Jimmy_ Barlow--I tell to your teeth!' + Heigho! _yea_ thee and _nay_ thee. + +IX + + "'_Friend_ James,' quoth the quaker, 'pray listen to me, + For thou canst confer a great favour, d' ye see; + The gold thou hast taken is not mine, my friend, + But my master's--and on thee I depend + To make it appear I my trust did defend. + Heigho! _yea_ thee and _nay_ thee. + +X + + "'So fire a few shots through my clothes, here and there, + To make it appear 't was a desp'rate affair.' + So Jim he popped first through the skirt of his coat, + And then through his collar quite close to his throat. + 'Now once through my broad-brim,' quoth Ephraim, 'I vote. + Heigho! _yea_ thee and _nay_ thee. + +XI + + "'I have but a brace,' said bold Jim, 'and they 're spent, + And I won't load again for a make-believe rent.' + 'Then,' said Ephraim--producing his pistols--'just give + My five hundred pounds back--or, as sure as you live, + I'll make of your body a riddle or sieve.' + Heigho! _yea_ thee and _nay_ thee. + +XII + + "Jim Barlow was diddled, and though he was game, + He saw Ephraim's pistol so deadly in aim, + That he gave up the gold, and he took to his scrapers; + And when the whole story got into the papers, + They said that '_the thieves were no match for the quakers_.' + Heigho! _yea_ thee and _nay_ thee." + +"Well, it's a quare thing you should be singin' a song here," said Larry +Hogan, "about Jim Barlow, and it's not over half a mile out of this very +place he was hanged." + +"Indeed!" exclaimed all the men at once, looking with great interest at +Larry. + +"It's truth I'm telling you. He made a very bowld robbery up by the long +hill there, on _two_ gintlemen, for he was mighty stout." + +"Pluck to the back-bone," said Goggins. + +"Well, he tuk the purses aff both o' them; and just as he was goin' on +afther doin' the same, what should appear on the road before him, but +two other travellers coming up forninst him. With that the men that was +robbed cried out, 'Stop thief!' and so Jim, seein' himself hemmed in +betune the four o' them, faced his horse to the ditch and took across +the counthry; but the thravellers was well mounted as well as himself, +and powdhered afther him like mad. Well, it was equal to a steeple chase +a'most; and Jim, seein' he could not shake them off, thought the best +thing he could do was to cut out some troublesome work for them; so he +led off where he knew there was the divil's own leap to take, and he +intended to 'pound [Footnote: Impound] them there, and be off in the +mane time; but as ill luck would have it, his own horse, that was as +bowld as himself, and would jump at the moon if he was faced to it, +missed his foot in takin' off, and fell short o' the leap and slipped +his shouldher, and Jim himself had a bad fall of it too, and, av coorse, +it was all over wid him--and up came the four gintlemen. Well, Jim had +his pistols yet, and he pulled them out, and swore he'd shoot the first +man that attempted to take him; but the gintlemen had pistols as well as +he, and were so hot on the chase they determined to have him, and closed +on him. Jim fired and killed one o' them; but he got a ball in the +shouldher himself, from another, and he was taken. Jim sthruv to shoot +himself with his second pistol, but it missed fire. 'The curse o' the +road is on me,' said Jim; 'my pistol missed fire, and my horse slipped +his shouldher, and now I'll be scragged,' says he, 'but it's not for +nothing--I've killed one o' ye,' says he." + +"He was all pluck," said Goggins. + +"Desperate bowld," said Larry. "Well, he was thried and condimned _av +coorse_, and was hanged, as I tell you, half a mile out o' this very +place, where we are sittin', and his appearance walks, they say, ever +since." + +"You don't say so!" said Goggins. + +"'Faith, it's thrue!" answered Larry. + +"You never saw it," said Goggins. + +"The Lord forbid!" returned Larry; "but it's thrue, for all that. For +you see the big house near this barn, that is all in ruin, was desarted +because Jim's ghost used to walk." + +"That was foolish," said Goggins; "stir up the fire, Jim, and hand me +the whisky." + +"Oh, if it was only walkin', they might have got over that; but at last +one night, as the story goes, when there was a thremendious storm o' +wind and rain--" + +"Whisht!" said one of the peasants, "what's that?" + +As they listened, they heard the beating of heavy rain against the door, +and the wind howled through its chinks. + +"Well," said Goggins, "what are you stopping for?" + +"Oh, I'm not stoppin'," said Larry; "I was sayin' that it was a bad wild +night, and Jimmy Barlow's appearance came into the house and asked them +for a glass o' sper'ts, and that he'd be obleeged to them if they'd +help him with his horse that slipped his shouldher; and, 'faith, afther +_that_, they'd stay in the place no longer; and signs on it, the house +is gone to rack and ruin, and it's only this barn that is kept up at +all, because it's convaynient for owld Skinflint on the farm." + +"That's all nonsense," said Goggins, who wished, nevertheless, that he +had not heard the "nonsense." + +"Come, sing another song, Jim." + +Jim said he did not remember one. + +"Then you sing, Ralph." + +Ralph said every one knew he never did more than join a chorus. + +"Then join me in a chorus," said Goggins, "for I'll sing, if Jim's +afraid." + +"I'm not afraid," said Jim. + +"Then why won't you sing?" + +"Because I don't like." + +"Ah!" exclaimed Goggins. + +"Well, maybe you're afraid yourself," said Jim, "if you towld thruth." +"Just to show you how little I'm afeard," said Goggins, with a +swaggering air, "I'll sing another song about Jimmy Barlow." + +"You'd better not," said Larry Hogan. "Let him rest in pace!" + +"Fudge!" said Goggins. "Will you join chorus, Jim?" + +"I will," said Jim, fiercely. + +"We'll all join," said the men (except Larry), who felt it would be a +sort of relief to bully away the supernatural terror which hung round +their hearts after the ghost story by the sound of their own voices. + +"Then here goes!" said Goggins, who started another long ballad about +Jimmy Barlow, in the opening of which all joined. It ran as follows:-- + + "My name it is Jimmy Barlow, + I was born in the town of Carlow, + And here I lie in the Maryborough jail, + All for the robbing of the Wicklow mail. + Fol de rol de rol de riddle-ido!" + +As it would be tiresome to follow this ballad through all its length, +breadth, and thickness, we shall leave the singers engaged in their +chorus, while we call the reader's attention to a more interesting +person than Mister Goggins or Jimmy Barlow. + + + + +CHAPTER XXXVII + + +When Edward O'Connor had hurried from the burial-place, he threw himself +into his saddle, and urged his horse to speed, anxious to fly the spot +where his feelings had been so harrowed; and as he swept along through +the cold night wind which began to rise in gusty fits, and howled past +him, there was in the violence of his rapid motion something congenial +to the fierce career of painful thoughts which chased each other through +his heated brain. He continued to travel at this rapid pace, so absorbed +in bitter reflection as to be quite insensible to external impressions, +and he knew not how far nor how fast he was going, though the heavy +breathing of his horse at any other time would have been signal +sufficient to draw the rein; but still he pressed onward, and still the +storm increased, and each acclivity was topped but to sweep down the +succeeding slope at the same desperate pace. Hitherto the road over +which he pursued his fleet career lay through an open country, and +though the shades of a stormy night hung above it, the horse could make +his way in safety through the gloom; but now they approached an old road +which skirted an ancient domain, whose venerable trees threw their arms +across the old causeway, and added their shadows to the darkness of the +night. + +Many and many a time had Edward ridden in the soft summer under the +green shade of these very trees, in company with Fanny Dawson, his +guiltless heart full of hope and love; perhaps it was this very thought +crossing his mind at the moment which made his present circumstances the +more oppressive. He was guiltless no longer--he rode not in happiness +with the woman he adored under the soft shade of summer trees, but heard +the wintry wind howl through their leafless boughs as he hurried in +maddened speed beneath them, and heard in the dismal sound but an +echo of the voice of remorse which was ringing through his heart. The +darkness was intense from the canopy of old oaks which overhung the +road, but still the horse was urged through the dark ravine at speed, +though one might not see an arm's length before. Fearlessly it was +performed, though ever and anon, as the trees swung about their heavy +branches in the storm, smaller portions of the boughs were snapped off +and flung in the faces of the horse and the rider, who still spurred +and plashed his headlong way through the heavy road beneath. Emerging +at length from the deep and overshadowed valley, a steep hill raised +its crest in advance, but still up the stony acclivity the feet of the +mettled steed rattled rapidly, and flashed fire from the flinty path. As +they approached the top of the hill, the force of the storm became more +apparent; and on reaching its crest, the fierce pelting of the mingled +rain and hail made the horse impatient of the storm of which his rider +was heedless--almost unconscious. The spent animal with short snortings +betokened his labour, and shook his head passionately as the fierce +hail-shower struck him in the eyes and nostrils. Still, however, was he +urged downward, but he was no longer safe. Quite blown, and pressed +over a rough descent, the generous creature, that would die rather than +refuse, made a false step, and came heavily to the ground. Edward was +stunned by the fall, though not seriously hurt; and, after the lapse of +a few seconds, recovered his feet, but found the horse still prostrate. +Taking the animal by the head, he assisted him to rise, which he was not +enabled to do till after several efforts; and when he regained his legs, +it was manifest he was seriously lamed; and as he limped along with +difficulty beside his master, who led him gently, it became evident that +it was beyond the animal's power to reach his own stable that night. +Edward for the first time was now aware of how much he had punished his +horse; he felt ashamed of using the noble brute with such severity, and +became conscious that he had been acting under something little short +of frenzy. The consciousness at once tended to restore him somewhat to +himself, and he began to look around on every side in search of some +house where he could find rest and shelter for his disabled horse. As +he proceeded thus, the care necessarily bestowed on his dumb companion +partially called off his thoughts from the painful theme with which they +had been exclusively occupied, and the effect was most beneficial. The +first violent burst of feeling was past, and a calmer train of thought +succeeded; he for the first time remembered the boy had forgiven him, +and that was a great consolation to him; he recalled, too, his own +words, pledging to Gustavus his friendship, and in this pleasing hope of +the future he saw much to redeem what he regretted of the past. Still, +however, the wild flare of the pine-torch over the lone grave of his +adversary, and the horrid answer of the grave-digger, that he was but +"finishing _his_ work," would recur to his memory and awake an internal +pang. + +From this painful reminiscence he sought to escape, by looking forward +to all he would do for Gustavus, and had become much calmer, when the +glimmer of a light not far ahead attracted him, and he soon was enabled +to perceive it proceeded from some buildings that lay on his right, +not far from the road. He turned up the rough path which formed the +approach, and the light escaped through the chinks of a large door which +indicated the place to be a coach-house, or some such office, belonging +to the general pile which seemed in a ruinous condition. + +As he approached, Edward heard rude sounds of merriment, amongst which +the joining of many voices in a "ree-raw" chorus indicated that a +carouse was going forward within. + +On reaching the door he could perceive through a wide chink a group +of men sitting round a turf fire piled at the far end of the building, +which had no fire-place, and the smoke, curling upwards to the roof, +wreathed the rafters in smoke; beneath this vapoury canopy the party +sat drinking and singing, and Edward, ere he knocked for admittance, +listened to the following strange refrain:-- + + _"For my name it is Jimmy Barlow, + I was born in the town of Carlow, + And here I lie in Maryborough jail, + All for the robbing of the Wicklow mail. + Fol de rol de riddle-iddle-ido!"_ + +Then the principal singer took up the song, which seemed to be one of +robbery, blood, and murder, for it ran thus:-- + + "Then he cocked his pistol gaily, + And stood before him bravely, + Smoke and fire is my desire, + So blaze away, my game-cock squire. + _For my name it is Jimmy Barlow, + I was born &c._" + +Edward O'Connor knocked at the door loudly; the words he had just heard +about "pistols," "blazing away," and, last of all, "_squire_" fell +gratingly on his ear at that moment, and seemed strangely to connect +themselves with the previous adventures of the night and his own sad +thoughts, and he beat against the door with violence. + +The chorus ceased; Edward repeated his knocking. Still there was no +answer; but he heard low and hurried muttering inside. Determined, +however, to gain admittance, Edward laid hold of an iron hasp outside +the door, which enabled him to shake the gate with violence, that there +might be no excuse on the part of the inmates that they did not hear; +but in thus making the old door rattle in its frame, it suddenly yielded +to his touch and creaked open on its rusty hinges; for when Larry Hogan +had entered, it had been forgotten to be barred. + +As Edward stood in the open doorway, the first object which met his eye +was the coffin--and it is impossible to say how much at that moment the +sight shocked him; he shuddered involuntarily, yet could not withdraw +his eyes from the revolting object; and the pallor with which his +previous mental anxiety had invested his cheek increased as he looked on +this last tenement of mortality. "Am I to see nothing but the evidences +of death's doing this night?" was the mental question which shot through +Edward's over-wrought brain, and he grew livid at the thought. He looked +more like one raised from the grave than a living being, and a wild +glare in his eyes rendered his appearance still more unearthly. He felt +that shame which men always experience in allowing their feelings to +overcome them; and by a great effort he mastered his emotion and spoke, +but the voice partook of the strong nervous excitement under which he +laboured, and was hollow and broken, and seemed more like that which one +might fancy to proceed from the jaws of a sepulchre than one of flesh +and blood. Beaten by the storm, too, his hair hung in wet flakes over +his face and added to his wild appearance, so that the men all started +up at the first glimpse they caught of him, and huddled themselves +together in the farthest corner of the building, from whence they eyed +him with evident alarm. + +Edward thought some whisky might check the feeling of faintness which +overcame him; and though he deemed it probable he had broken in upon the +nocturnal revel of desperate and lawless men, he nevertheless asked them +to give him some; but instead of displaying that alacrity so universal +in Ireland, of sharing the "creature" with a new-comer, the men only +pointed to the bottle which stood beside the fire, and drew closer +together. + +Edward's desire for the stimulant was so great, that he scarcely noticed +the singular want of courtesy on the part of the men; and seizing the +bottle (for there was no glass), he put it to his lips, and quaffed a +hearty dram of the spirit before he spoke. + +"I must ask for shelter and assistance here," said Edward. "My horse, I +fear, has slipped his shoulder--" + +Before he could utter another word, a simultaneous roar of terror burst +from the group; they fancied the ghost of Jimmy Barlow was before them, +and made a simultaneous rush from the barn; and when they saw the horse +at the door, another yell escaped them, as they fled with increased +speed and terror. Edward stood in amazement as the men rushed from his +presence; he followed to the gate to recall them; they were gone; he +could only hear their yells in the distance. The circumstance seemed +quite unaccountable; and as he stood lost in vain surmises as to the +cause of the strange occurrence, a low neigh of recognition from the +horse reminded him of the animal's wants, and he led him into the barn, +where, from the plenty of straw which lay around, he shook down a litter +where the maimed animal might rest. + +He then paced up and down the barn, lost in wonder at the conduct +of those whom he found there, and whom his presence had so suddenly +expelled; and ever as he walked towards the fire, the coffin caught his +eye. As a fitful blaze occasionally arose, it flashed upon the plate, +which brightly reflected the flame, and Edward was irresistibly drawn, +despite his original impression of horror at the object, to approach and +read the inscription. The shield bore the name of "O'Grady," and Edward +recoiled from the coffin with a shudder, and inwardly asked, was he in +his waking senses? He had but an hour ago seen his adversary laid in his +grave, yet here was his coffin again before him, as if to harrow up his +soul anew. Was it real, or a mockery? Was he the sport of a dream, or +was there some dreadful curse fallen upon him that he should be for ever +haunted by the victim of his arm, and the call of vengeance for blood +be ever upon his track? He breathed short and hard, and the smoky +atmosphere in which he was enveloped rendered respiration still more +difficult. As through this oppressive vapour, which seemed only fit +for the nether world, he saw the coffin-plate flash back the flame, his +imagination accumulated horror on horror; and when the blaze sank, and +but the bright red of the fire was reflected, it seemed to him to burn, +as it were, with a spot of blood, and he could support the scene no +longer, but rushed from the barn in a state of mind bordering on frenzy. + +It was about an hour afterwards, near midnight, that the old barn was in +flames; most likely some of the straw near the fire, in the confusion +of the breaking up of the party, had been scattered within range of +ignition, and caused the accident. The flames were seen for miles round +the country, and the shattered walls of the ruined mansion-house were +illuminated brightly by the glare of the consuming barn, which in the +morning added its own blackened and reeking ruin to the desolation, +and crowds of persons congregated to the spot for many days after. The +charred planks of the coffin were dragged from amongst the ruin; and +as the roof in falling in had dragged a large portion of the wall +along with it, the stones which had filled the coffin could not be +distinguished from those of the fallen building, therefore much wonder +arose that no vestige of the bones of the corpse it was supposed to +contain should be discovered. Wonder increased to horror as the strange +fact was promulgated, and in the ready credulity of a superstitious +people, the terrible belief became general, that his sable majesty had +made off with O'Grady and the party watching him; for as the Dublin +bailiffs never stopped till they got back to town, and were never seen +again in the country, it was most natural to suppose that the devil had +made a haul of _them_ at the same time. In a few days rumour added the +spectral appearance of Jim Barlow to the tale, which only deepened +its mysterious horror; and though, after some time, the true story was +promulgated by those who knew the real state of the case, yet the truth +never gained ground, and was considered but a clever sham, attempted by +the family to prevent so dreadful a story from attaching to their house; +and tradition perpetuates to this hour the belief that _the devil flew +away with O'Grady._ + +Lone and shunned as the hill was where the ruined house stood, it became +more lone and shunned than ever, and the boldest heart in the whole +country-side would quail to be in its vicinity, even in the day-time. To +such a pitch the panic rose, that an extensive farm which encircled +it, and belonged to the old usurer who made the seizure, fell into a +profitless state from the impossibility of men being found to work upon +it. It was useless even as pasture, for no one could be found to herd +cattle upon it; altogether it was a serious loss to the money-grubber; +and so far the incident of the burnt barn, and the tradition it gave +rise to, acted beneficially in making the inhuman act of warring with +the dead recoil upon the merciless old usurer. + + + + +CHAPTER XXXVIII + + +We left Andy in what may be called a delicate situation, and though +Andy's perceptions of the refined were not very acute, he himself began +to wonder how he should get out of the dilemma into which circumstances +had thrown him; and even to his dull comprehension various terminations +to his adventure suggested themselves, till he became quite confused in +the chaos which his own thoughts created. One good idea, however, Andy +contrived to lay hold of out of the bundle which perplexed him; he felt +that to gain time would be an advantage, and if evil must come of his +adventure, the longer he could keep it off the better; so he kept up his +affectation of timidity, and put in his sobs and lamentations, like so +many commas and colons, as it were, to prevent Bridget from arriving at +her climax of going to bed. + +Bridget insisted bed was the finest thing in the world for a young woman +in distress of mind. + +Andy protested he never could get a wink of sleep when his mind was +uneasy. Bridget promised the most sisterly tenderness. + +Andy answered by a lament for his mother. + +"Come to bed, I tell you," said Bridget. + +"Are the sheets aired?" sobbed Andy. + +"What!" exclaimed Bridget, in amazement. + +"If you are not sure of the sheets bein' aired," said Andy, "I'd be +afeard of catchin' cowld." + +"Sheets, indeed!" said Bridget; "'faith, it's a dainty lady you are, if +you can't sleep without sheets." + +"What!" returned Andy, "no sheets?" + +"Divil a sheet." + +"Oh, mother, mother!" exclaimed Andy, "what would you say to your +innocent child being tuk away to a place where there was no sheets?" + +"Well, I never heerd the like!" says Bridget. + +"Oh, the villains! to bring me where I wouldn't have a bit o' clane +linen to lie in!" + +"Sure, there's blankets, I tell you." + +"Oh, don't talk to me!" roared Andy; "sure, you know, sheets is only +dacent." + +"Bother, girl! Isn't a snug woolly blanket a fine thing?" + +"Oh, don't brake my heart that-a-way!" sobbed Andy; "sure, there's wool +on any dirty sheep's back, but linen is dacency! Oh, mother, mother, if +you thought your poor girl was without a sheet this night!" + +And so Andy went on, spinning his bit of "linen manufacture" as long as +he could, and raising Bridget's wonder that, instead of the lament which +abducted ladies generally raise about their "vartue," this young woman's +principal complaint arose on the scarcity of flax. Bridget appealed +to common sense if blankets were not good enough in these bad times; +insisting, moreover, that, as "love was warmer than friendship, so wool +was warmer than flax," the beauty of which parallel case nevertheless +failed to reconcile the disconsolate abducted. Now Andy had pushed his +plea of the want of linen as far as he thought it would go, and when +Bridget returned to the charge, and reiterated the oft-repeated "Come +to bed, I tell you!" Andy had recourse to twiddling about his toes, and +chattering his teeth, and exclaimed in a tremulous voice, "Oh, I've a +thrimblin' all over me!" + +"Loosen the sthrings o' you, then," said Bridget, about to suit +the action to the word. "Ow! ow!" cried Andy, "don't touch me--I'm +ticklish." + +"Then open the throat o' your gown yourself, dear," said Bridget. + +"I've a cowld on my chest, and darn't," said Andy; "but I think a dhrop +of hot punch would do me good if I had it." + +"And plenty of it," said Bridget, "if that'll plaze you." She rose as +she spoke, and set about getting "the materials" for making punch. + +Andy hoped, by means of this last idea, to drink Bridget into a state of +unconsciousness, and then make his escape; but he had no notion, until +he tried, what a capacity the gentle Bridget had for carrying tumblers +of punch steadily; he proceeded as cunningly as possible, and, on the +score of "the thrimblin' over him," repeated the doses of punch, which, +nevertheless, he protested he couldn't touch, unless Bridget kept him in +countenance, glass for glass; and Bridget--genial soul--was no way both; +for living in a still, and among smugglers, as she did, it was not +a trifle of stingo could bring her to a halt. Andy, even with the +advantage of the stronger organisation of a man, found this mountain +lass nearly a match for him, and before the potations operated as +he hoped upon her, his own senses began to feel the influence of the +liquor, and his caution became considerably undermined. + +Still, however, he resisted the repeated offers of the couch proposed to +him, declaring he would sleep in his clothes, and leave to Bridget the +full possession of her lair. + +The fire began to burn low, and Andy thought he might facilitate his +escape by counterfeiting sleep; so feigning slumber as well as he could, +he seemed to sink into insensibility, and Bridget unrobed herself and +retired behind a rough screen. + +It was by a great effort that Andy kept himself awake, for his +potations, added to his nocturnal excursion, tended towards somnolency; +but the desire of escape, and fear of a discovery and its consequences, +prevailed over the ordinary tendency of nature, and he remained awake, +watching every sound. The silence at last became painful--so still was +it, that he could hear the small crumbling sound of the dying embers +as they decomposed and shifted their position on the hearth, and yet he +could not be satisfied from the breathing of the woman that she slept. +After the lapse of half an hour, however, he ventured to make some +movement. He had well observed the quarter in which the outlet from the +cave lay, and there was still a faint glimmer from the fire to assist +him in crawling towards the trap. It was a relief when, after some +minutes of cautious creeping, he felt the fresh air breathing from +above, and a moment or two more brought him in contact with the ladder. +With the stealth of a cat he began to climb the rungs--he could hear the +men snoring on the outside of the cave: step by step as he arose he +felt his heart beat faster at the thought of escape, and became more +cautious. At length his head emerged from the cave, and he saw the men +lying about its mouth; they lay close around it--he must step over them +to escape--the chance is fearful, but he determines to attempt it--he +ascends still higher--his foot is on the last rung of the ladder--the +next step puts him on the heather--when he feels a hand lay hold of him +from below! + +His heart died within him at the touch, and he could not resist an +exclamation. + +"Who's that?" exclaimed one of the men outside. Andy crouched. + +"Come down," said the voice softly from below; "if Jack sees you, it +will be worse for you." + +It was the voice of Bridget, and Andy felt it was better to be with +her than exposed to the savagery of Shan More and his myrmidons; so he +descended quietly, and gave himself up to the tight hold of Bridget, +who, with many asseverations that "out of her arms she would not let the +prisoner go till morning," led him back to the cave. + + + + +CHAPTER XXXIX + + + "Great wit to madness nearly is allied, + And thin partitions do the bounds divide." + +So sings the poet; but whether the wit be great or little, the "thin +partition" separating madness from sanity is equally mysterious. It is +true that the excitability attendant upon genius approximates so closely +to madness, that it is sometimes difficult to distinguish between them; +but, without the attendant "genius" to hold up the train of madness, +and call for our special permission and respect in any of its fantastic +excursions, the most ordinary crack-brain sometimes chooses to sport in +the regions of sanity, and, without the license which genius is supposed +to dispense to her children, poach over the preserves of common sense. +This is a well-known fact, and would not be reiterated here, but that +the circumstances about to be recorded hereafter might seem unworthy +of belief; and as the veracity of our history we would not have for one +moment questioned, we have ventured to jog the memory of our readers as +to the close neighbourhood of madness and common sense, before we record +a curious instance of intermitting madness in the old dowager O'Grady. + +Her son's death had, by the violence of the shock, dragged her from the +region of fiction in which she habitually existed; but after the funeral +she relapsed into all her strange aberration, and her bird-clock and her +chimney-pot head-dress were once more in requisition. + +The old lady had her usual attendance from her granddaughter, and the +customary offering of flowers was rendered, but they were not so cared +for as before, and Charlotte was dismissed sooner than usual from her +morning's attendance, and a new favourite received in her place. And +"of all the birds in the air," who should this favourite be but Master +Ratty. Yes!--Ratty--the caricaturist of his grandmamma, was, "for the +nonce," her closeted companion. Many a guess was given as to "what in +the world" grandmamma _could_ want with Ratty; but the secret was kept +between them, for this reason, that the old lady kept _the reward she +promised_ Ratty for preserving it in her own hands, until the duty she +required on his part should be accomplished, and the shilling a day to +which Ratty looked forward kept him faithful. + +Now the duty Master Ratty had to perform was instructing his grandmamma +how to handle a pistol; the bringing up quick to the mark, and levelling +by "the sight," was explained; but a difficulty arose in the old lady's +shutting her left eye, which Ratty declared to be indispensable, and +for some time Ratty was obliged to stand on a chair and cover his +grandmamma's eye with his hand while she took aim; this was found +inconvenient, however, and the old lady substituted a black silk shade +to obfuscate her sinister luminary in her exercises, which now advanced +to snapping the lock, and knocking sparks from the flint, which made the +old lady wink with her right eye. When this second habit was overcome, +the "dry" practice, that is, without powder, was given up; and a +"flash in the pan" was ventured upon, but this made her shut both eyes +together, and it was some time before she could prevail on herself to +hold her eye fixed on her mark, and pull the trigger. This, however, at +last was accomplished, and when she had conquered the fear of seeing the +flash, she adopted the plan of standing before a handsome old-fashioned +looking-glass which reached from the ceiling to the floor, and levelling +the pistol at her own reflection within it, as if she were engaged in +mortal combat; and every time she snapped and burned priming she +would exclaim, "I hit him that time!--I know I can kill him--_tremble, +villain_!" + +As long as this pistol practice had the charm of novelty for Ratty, +it was all very well; but when, day by day, the strange mistakes and +nervousness of his grandmamma became less piquant from repetition, it +was not such good fun; and when the rantipole boy, after as much time +as he wished to devote to the old woman's caprice, endeavoured to +emancipate himself and was countermanded, an outburst of _"Oh, bother!"_ +would take place, till the grandmother called up the prospective +shillings to his view, and Ratty bowed before the altar of Mammon. But +even Mammon failed to keep Ratty loyal; for that heathen god, Momus, +claimed a superior allegiance; Ratty worshipped the "cap and bells" as +the true crown, and "the bauble" as the sovereign sceptre. Besides, the +secret became troublesome to him, and he determined to let the whole +house know what "gran" and he were about, in a way of his own. + +The young imp, in the next day's practice, worked up the grandmamma to a +state of great excitement, urging her to take a cool and determined aim +at the looking-glass. "Cover him well, gran," said Ratty. + +"I will," said the dowager, resolutely. + +"You ought to be able to hit him at six paces." + +"I stand at twelve paces." + +"No--you are only six from the looking-glass." + +"But the reflection, child, in the mirror, doubles the distance." + +"Bother!" said Ratty. "Here, take the pistol--mind your eye and don't +wink." + +"Ratty, you are singularly obtuse to the charms of science." + +"What's science?" said Ratty. + +"Science, child, is knowledge of a lofty and abstruse nature, developing +itself in wonderful inventions--gunpowder, for instance, is made by +science." + +"Indeed it is not," said Ratty; "I never saw his name on a canister. +Pigou, Andrew, and Wilks, or Mister Dartford Mills, are the men for +gunpowder. You know nothing about it, gran." + +"Ratty, you are disrespectful, and will not listen to instruction. I +knew Kirwan--the great Kirwan, the chemist, who always wore his hat--" + +"Then he knew chemistry better than manners." + +"Ratty, you are very troublesome. I desire you listen, sir. Kirwan, sir, +told me all about science, and the Dublin Society have his picture, with +a bottle in his hand--" + +"Then he was fond of drink," said Ratty. + +"Ratty, don't be pert. To come back to what I was originally saying--I +repeat, sir, I am at twelve paces from my object, six from the mirror, +which, doubled by reflection, makes twelve; such is the law of optics. I +suppose you know what optics are?" + +"To be sure I do." + +"Tell me, then." + +"Our eyes," said Ratty. + +"Eyes!" exclaimed the old lady, in amaze. + +"To be sure," answered Ratty, boldly. "Didn't I hear the old blind man +at the fair asking charity 'for the loss of his blessed optics'?" + +"Oh, what lamentable ignorance, my child!" exclaimed the old lady. "Your +tutor ought to be ashamed of himself." + +"So he is," said Ratty. "He hasn't had a pair of new breeches for the +last seven years, and he hides himself whenever he sees mamma or the +girls." + +"Oh, you ignorant child! Indeed, Ratty, my love, you must study. I will +give you the renowned Kirwan's book. Charlotte tore some of it for curl +papers; but there's enough left to enlighten you with the sun's rays, +and reflection and refraction--" + +"I know what _that_ is," said Ratty. + +"What?" + +"Refraction." + +"And what is it, dear?" + +"Bad behaviour," said Ratty. + +"Oh, Heavens!" exclaimed his grandmother. + +"Yes, it is," said Ratty, stoutly; "the tutor says I'm refractory when I +behave ill; and he knows Latin better than you." + +"Ratty, Ratty! you are hopeless!" exclaimed his grandmamma. + +"No, I am not," said Ratty. "I'm always _hoping_. And I hope Uncle +Robert will break his neck some day, and leave us his money." + +The old woman turned up her eyes, and exclaimed, "You wicked boy!" + +"Fudge!" said Ratty; "he's an old shaver, and we want it; and indeed, +gran, you ought to give me ten shillings for ten days' teaching, now; +and there's a fair next week, and I want to buy things." + +"Ratty, I told you when you made me perfect in the use of my weapon I +would pay you. My promise is sacred, and I will observe it with that +scrupulous honour which has ever been the characteristic of the family; +as soon as I hit something, and satisfy myself of my mastery over the +weapon, the money shall be yours, but not till then." + +"Oh, very well," said Ratty; "go on then. _Ready_--don't bring up your +arm that way, like the handle of a pump, but raise it nice from the +elbow--that's it. _Ready--fire!_ Ah! there you blink your eye, and drop +the point of your pistol--try another. _Ready--fire!_ That's better. Now +steady the next time." + +[Illustration: A Crack Shot] + +The young villain then put a charge of powder and ball into the pistol +he handed his grandmother, who took steady aim at her reflection in the +mirror, and at the words, _"Ready--fire!"_ bang went the pistol--the +magnificent glass was smashed--the unexpected recoil of the weapon made +it drop from the hand of the dowager, who screamed with astonishment at +the report and the shock, and did not see for a moment the mischief she +had done; but when the shattered mirror caught her eyes, she made a rush +at Ratty, who was screeching with laughter in the far corner of the room +where he ran to when he had achieved his trick, and he was so helpless +from the excess of his cachinnation, that the old lady cuffed him +without his being able to defend himself. At last he contrived to get +out of her clutches and jammed her against the wall with a table so +tightly, that she roared "Murder!" The report of the pistol ringing +through the house brought all its inmates to the spot; and there +the cries of murder from the old lady led them to suppose some awful +tragedy, instead of a comedy, was enacting inside; the door was locked, +too, which increased the alarm, and was forced in the moment of terror +from the outside. When the crowd rushed in, Master Ratty rushed out, and +left the astonished family to gather up the bits of the story, as well +as they could, from the broken looking-glass and the cracked dowager. + + + + +CHAPTER XL + + +Though it is clear the serious events in the O'Grady family had not +altered Master Ratty's propensities in the least, the case was far +different with Gustavus. In that one night of suffering which _he_ had +passed, the gulf was leaped that divides the boy from the man; and the +extra frivolity and carelessness which clung from boyhood up to the age +of fifteen was at once, by the sudden disrupture produced by events, +thrown off, and as singular a ripening into manhood commenced. + +Gustavus was of a generous nature; and even his faults belonged less +to his organisation than to the devil-may-care sort of education he +received, if education it might be called. Upon his generosity the +conduct of Edward O'Connor beside the grave of the boy's father had +worked strongly; and though Gustavus could not give his hand beside the +grave to the man with whom his father had engaged in deadly quarrel, yet +he quite exonerated Edward from any blame; and when, after a night more +sleepless than Gustavus had ever known, he rose early on the ensuing +morning, he determined to ride over to Edward O'Connor's house to +breakfast, and commence that friendship which Edward had so solemnly +promised to him, and with which the boy was pleased; for Gustavus was +quite aware in what estimation Edward was held; and though the relative +circumstances in which he and the late Squire stood prevented the boy +from "caring a fig" for him, as he often said himself, yet he was +not beyond the influence of that thing called "reputation," which so +powerfully attaches to and elevates the man who wins it; and the price +at which Edward was held in the country influenced opinion even in +Neck-or-Nothing Hall, albeit though "against the grain." Gustavus had +sometimes heard, from the lips of the idle and ignorant, Edward sneered +at for being "cruel wise," and "too much of a schoolmaster," and fit for +nothing but books or a boudoir, and called a "piano man," with all the +rest of the hackneyed dirt which jealous inferiority loves to fling at +the heights it cannot occupy; for though--as it has been said--Edward, +from his manly and sensible bearing, had escaped such sneers better than +most men, still some few there were to whom his merit was offensive. +Gustavus, however, though he sometimes heard such things, saw with his +own eyes that Edward could back a horse with any man in the country--was +always foremost in the chace--could bring down as many brace of birds as +most men in a day--had saved one or two persons from drowning; and if he +did all these things as well as other men, Gustavus (though hitherto too +idle to learn much himself) did not see why a man should be sneered +at for being an accomplished scholar as well. Therefore he had good +foundation for being pleased at the proffered friendship of such a man, +and remembering the poignancy of Edward's anguish on the foregoing eve, +Gustavus generously resolved to see him at once and offer him the +hand which a nice sense of feeling made him withhold the night before. +Mounting his pony, an hour's smart riding brought him to Mount Eskar, +for such was the name of Mr. O'Connor's residence. + +It was breakfast-time when Gustavus arrived, but Edward had not yet left +his room, and the servant went to call him. It need scarcely be said +that Edward had passed a wretched night; reaching home, as he did, weary +in mind and body, and with feelings and imagination both overwrought, it +was long before he could sleep; and even then his slumber was disturbed +by harassing visions and frightful images. Spectral shapes and things +unimaginable to the waking senses danced and crawled and hissed about +him. The torch flared above the grave, and that horrid coffin, with the +name of the dead O'Grady upon it, "murdered sleep." It was dawn before +anything like refreshing slumber touched his feverish eyelids, and he +had not enjoyed more than a couple of hours of what might be called +sleep, when the servant called him; and then, after the brief oblivion +he had obtained, one may fancy how he started when the first words he +heard on waking were, "Mister O'Grady is below, sir." + +Edward started up from his bed and stared wildly on the man, as he +exclaimed, with a look of alarm, "O'Grady! For God's sake, you don't say +O'Grady?" + +"'Tis Master Gustavus, sir," said the man, wondering at the wildness of +Edward's manner. + +"Oh, the boy!--ay, ay, the boy!" repeated Edward, drawing his hands +across his eyes and recovering his self-possession. "Say I will be down +presently." + +The man retired, and Edward lay down again for some minutes to calm the +heavy beating of his heart which the sudden mention of that name had +produced; that name so linked with the mental agony of the past night; +that name which had conjured up a waking horror of such might as to +shake the sway of reason for a time, and which afterwards pursued its +reign of terror through his sleep. After such a night, fancy poor Edward +doomed to hear the name of O'Grady again the first thing in the morning, +and we cannot wonder that he was startled. + +A few minutes, however, served to restore his self-possession; and he +arose, made his toilet in haste, and descended to the breakfast-parlour, +where he was met by Gustavus with an open hand, which Edward clasped +with fervour and held for some time as he looked on the handsome face +of the boy, and saw in its frank expression all that his heart could +desire. They spoke not a word, but they understood one another; and that +moment commenced an attachment which increased with increasing intimacy, +and became one of those steadfast friendships which are seldom met with. + +After breakfast Edward brought Gustavus to his "den," as he called a +room which was appropriated to his own particular use, occupied with +books and a small collection of national relics. Some long ranges of +that peculiar calf binding, with its red label, declared at once the +contents to be law and by the dry formal cut of the exterior gave little +invitation to reading. The very outside of a law library is repulsive; +the continuity of that eternal buff leather gives one a surfeit by +anticipation, and makes one mentally exclaim in despair, "Heavens! how +can any one hope to get all that into his head?" The only plain honest +thing about law is the outside of the books where it is laid down--there +all is simple; inside all is complex. The interlacing lines of the +binder's patterns find no place on the covers; but intricacies abound +inside, where any line is easier found than a straight one. Nor gold +leaf nor tool is employed without, but within how many fallacies are +enveloped in glozing words; the gold leaf has its representative in +"legal fiction;" and as for "_tooling_" there's plenty of that! + +Other books, also, bore external evidence of the nature of their +contents. Some old parchment covers indicated the lore of past ages; +amidst these the brightest names of Greece and Rome were to be found, +as well as those who have adorned our own literature, and implied +a cultivated taste on the part of the owner. But one portion of the +library was particularly well stored. The works bearing on Irish history +were numerous, and this might well account for the ardour of Edward's +feelings in the cause of his country; for it is as impossible that a +river should run backwards to its source, as that any Irishman of a +generous nature can become acquainted with the real history of his +country, and not feel that she has been an ill-used and neglected land, +and not struggle in the cause of her being righted. Much _has_ been done +in the cause since the days of which this story treats, and Edward was +amongst those who helped to achieve it; but much has still to be done, +and there is glorious work in store for present and future Edward +O'Connors. + +Along with the books which spoke the cause of Ireland, the mute +evidences, also, of her former glory and civilisation were scattered +through the room. Various ornaments of elegant form, and wrought in the +purest gold, were tastefully arranged over the mantel-piece; some, from +their form, indicating their use, and others only affording matter of +ingenious speculation to the antiquary, but all bearing evidence of +early civilisation. The frontlet of gold indicated noble estate, and +the long and tapering bodkin of the same metal, with its richly enchased +knob or pendent crescent, implied the robe it once fastened could have +been of no mean texture, and the wearer of no mean rank. Weapons were +there, too, of elegant form and exquisite workmanship, wrought in that +ancient bronze, of such wondrous temper that it carries effective edge +and point. The sword was of exact Phoenician mould; the double-eyed +spear-head, formed at once for strength and lightness, might have served +as the model for a sculptor in arming the hand of Minerva. Could these +be the work of an uncultivated people? Impossible! The harp, too, was +there, that unfailing mark of polish and social elegance. The bard and +barbarism could never be coeval. But a relic was there, exciting still +deeper interest--an ancient crosier, of curious workmanship, wrought +in the precious metals and partly studded with jewels; but few of the +latter remained, though the empty collets showed it had once been costly +in such ornaments. Could this be seen without remembering that the light +of Christianity first dawned over the western isles _in Ireland?_ that +_there_ the Gospel was first preached, _there_ the work of salvation +begun? + +There be cold hearts to which these touching recollections do not +pertain, and they heed them not; and some there are, who, with a +callousness which shocks sensibility, have the ignorant effrontery to +ask, "Of what use are such recollections?" With such frigid utilitarians +it would be vain to argue; but this question, at least, may be put in +return:--Why should the ancient glories of Greece and Rome form a large +portion of the academic studies of our youth?--why should the evidences +of _their_ arts and _their_ arms be held precious in museums, and +similar evidences of ancient cultivation be despised because they +pertain to another nation? Is it because they are Irish they are held +in contempt? Alas! in many cases it is so--ay, and even (shame to say) +within her own shores. But never may that day arrive when Ireland shall +be without enough of true and fond hearts to cherish the memory of +her ancient glories, to give to her future sons the evidences of her +earliest western civilisation, proving that their forefathers were not +(as those say who wronged and therefore would malign them) a rabble +of rude barbarians, but that brave kings, and proud princes, and wise +lawgivers, and just judges, and gallant chiefs, and chaste and lovely +women were among them, and that inspired bards were there to perpetuate +such memories! + +Gustavus had never before seen a crosier, and asked what it was. On +being informed of its name, he then said, "But what _is_ a crosier?" + +"A bishop's pastoral staff," said Edward. + +"And why have you a bishop's staff, and swords, and spears, hung up +together?" + +"That is not inappropriate," said Edward. "Unfortunately, the sword and +the crosier have been frequently but too intimate companions. Preaching +the word of peace has been too often the pretext for war. The Spaniards, +for instance, in the name of the gospel, committed the most fearful +atrocities." + +"Oh, I know," said Gustavus, "that was in the time of bloody Mary and +the Armada." + +Edward wondered at the boy's ignorance, and saw in an instant the source +of his false application of his allusion to the Spaniards. Gustavus had +been taught to vaguely couple the name of "bloody Mary" with everything +bad, and that of "good Queen Bess" with all that was glorious; and the +word "Spanish," in poor Gusty's head, had been hitherto connected with +two ideas, namely, "liquorice" and the "Armada." + +Edward, without wounding the sensitive shame of ignorant youth, gently +set him right, and made him aware he had alluded to the conduct of the +Spaniards in America under Cortes and Pizarro. + +For the first time in his life Gustavus was aware that Pizarro was a +real character. He had heard his grandmamma speak of a play of that +name, and how great Mr. Kemble was in Rollo, and how he saved a child; +but as to its belonging to history, it was a new light--the utmost Gusty +knew about America being that it was discovered by Columbus. + +"But the crosier," said Edward, "is amongst the most interesting of +Irish antiquities, and especially belongs to an Irish collection, when +you remember the earliest preaching of Christianity in the western isles +was in Ireland." + +"I did only know that," said the boy. + +"Then you don't know why the shamrock is our national emblem?" + +"No," said Gustavus, "though I take care to mount one in my hat every +Patrick's day." + +"Well," said Edward, anxious to give Gustavus credit for _any_ knowledge +he possessed, "you know at least it is connected with the memory of St. +Patrick, though you don't know why. I will tell you. When St. Patrick +first preached the Christian faith in Ireland, before a powerful chief +and his people, when he spoke of one God, and of the Trinity, the chief +asked how one could be in three. St. Patrick, instead of attempting a +theological definition of the faith, thought a simple image would best +serve to enlighten a simple people, and stooping to the earth he plucked +from the green sod a shamrock, and holding up the trefoil before them +he bade them there behold one in three. The chief, struck by the +illustration, asked at once to be baptised, and all his sept followed +his example." + +"I never heard that before," said Gusty. "'T is very beautiful." + +"I will tell you something else connected with it," said Edward. + +"After baptising the chief, St. Patrick made an eloquent exhortation +to the assembled multitude, and in the course of his address, while +enforcing his urgent appeal with appropriate gesture, as the hand which +held his crosier, after being raised towards heaven, descended again +towards the earth, the point of his staff, armed with metal, was +driven through the foot of the chief, who, fancying it was part of the +ceremony, and but a necessary testing of the firmness of his faith, +never winced." + +"He was a fine fellow," said Gusty. "And is that the crosier?" he added, +alluding to the one in Edward's collection, and manifestly excited by +what he had heard. + +"No," said Edward, "but one of early date, and belonging to some of the +first preachers of the gospel amongst us." + +"And have you other things here with such beautiful stories belonging to +them?" inquired Gusty, eager for more of that romantic lore which youth +loves so passionately. + +"Not that I know of," answered Edward "but if these objects here had +only tongues, if every sword, and belt, and spear-head, and golden +bodkin, and other trinket could speak, no doubt we should hear stirring +stories of gallant warriors and their ladye-loves." + +"Aye, that would be something to hear!" exclaimed Gusty. + +"Well," said Edward, "you may have many _such_ stories by reading the +history of your country; which if you have not read, I can lend you +books enough." + +"Oh, thank you," said Gusty; "I should like it so much." + +Edward approached the book-shelf and selected a volume he thought the +most likely to interest so little practised a reader; and when he turned +round he saw Gusty poising in his hand an antique Irish sword of bronze. + +"Do you know what that is?" inquired Edward. + +"I can't tell you the name of it," answered Gusty, "but I suppose it was +_something to stick a fellow_." + +Edward smiled at the characteristic reply, and told him it was an +antique Irish sword. + +"A sword?" he exclaimed. "Isn't it short for a sword?" + +"All the swords of that day were short." + +"When was that?" inquired the boy. + +"Somewhere about two thousand years ago." + +"Two thousand years," exclaimed Gusty, in surprise. "How is it possible +you can tell this is two thousand years old?" + +"Because it is made of the same metal and of the same shape as the +swords found at Cannae, where the Carthaginians fought the Romans." + +"I know the Roman history," said Gusty, eager to display his little bit +of knowledge; "I know the Roman history. Romulus and Remus were educated +by a wolf." Edward could not resist a smile, which he soon suppressed, +and continued:--"Such works as you now hold in your hand are found _in +quantities_ in Ireland, and seldom anywhere else in Europe, except in +Italy, particularly at Cannae, where some thousands of Carthaginians +fell; and when we find the sword of the same make and metal in places +so remote, it establishes a strong connecting link between the people of +Carthage and of Ireland, and at once shows their date." + +"How curious that is!" exclaimed Gusty; "and how odd I never heard it +before! Are there many such curious things you know?" + +"Many," said Edward. + +"I wonder how people can find out such odd things," said the boy. + +"My dear boy," said Edward, "after getting a certain amount of +knowledge, other knowledge comes very fast; it gathers like a +snowball--or perhaps it would be better to illustrate the fact by a +milldam. You know, when the water is low in the milldam, the miller +cannot drive his wheel; but the moment the water comes up to a certain +level it has force to work the mill. And so it is with knowledge; when +once you get it up to a certain level, you can 'work your mill,' with +this great advantage over the milldam, that the stream of knowledge, +once reaching the working level, never runs dry." + +"Oh, I wish I knew as much as you do," exclaimed Gusty. + +"And so you can if you wish it," said Edward. + +Gusty sighed heavily, and admitted he had been very idle. Edward told +him he had plenty of time before him to repair the damage. + +A conversation then ensued, perfectly frank on the part of the boy, +and kind on Edward's side to all his deficiencies, which he found to +be lamentable, as far as learning went. He had some small smattering of +Latin; but Gustavus vowed steady attention to his tutor and his studies +for the future. Edward, knowing what a miserable scholar the tutor +himself was, offered to put Gustavus through his Latin and Greek +himself. Gustavus accepted the offer with gratitude, and rode over +every day to Mount Eskar for his lesson; and, under the intelligent +explanations of Edward, the difficulties which had hitherto discouraged +him disappeared, and it was surprising what progress he made. At the +same time he devoured Irish history, and became rapidly tinctured with +that enthusiastic love of all that belonged to his country which he +found in his teacher; and Edward soon hailed, in the ardent neophyte, +a noble and intelligent spirit redeemed from ignorance and rendered +capable of higher enjoyments than those to be derived merely from +field sports. Edward, however, did not confine his instructions to +book-learning only; there is much to be learned by living with the +educated, whose current conversation alone is instructive; and Edward +had Gustavus with him as constantly as he could; and after some time, +when the frequency of Gusty's visits to Mount Eskar ceased to excite any +wonder at home, he sometimes spent several days together with Edward, to +whom he became continually more and more attached. Edward showed great +judgment in making his training attractive to his pupil: he did not +attend merely to his head; he thought of other things as well; joined +him in the sports and exercises he knew, and taught him those in which +he was uninstructed. Fencing, for instance, was one of these; Edward was +a tolerable master of his foil, and in a few months Gustavus, under his +tuition, could parry a thrust and make no bad attempt at a hit himself. +His improvement in every way was so remarkable, that it was noticed by +all, and its cause did not long remain secret; and when it _was_ known, +Edward O'Connor's character stood higher than ever, and the whole +country said it was a lucky day for Gusty O'Grady that he found such +a friend. As the limits of our story would not permit the intercourse +between Edward and Gustavus to be treated in detail, this general sketch +of it has been given; and in stating its consequences so far, a peep +into the future has been granted by the author, with a benevolence +seldom belonging to his ill-natured and crafty tribe, who endeavour to +hoodwink their docile followers as much as possible, and keep them in +a state of ignorance as to coming events. But now, having been so +indulgent, we must beg to lay hold of the skirts of our readers and pull +them back again down the ladder into the private still, where Bridget +pulled back Andy very much after the same fashion, and the results of +which we must treat of in our next chapter. + + + + +CHAPTER XLI + + +When Bridget dragged Andy back and insisted on his going to bed-- + +No--I will not be too good natured and tell my story in that way; +besides, it would be a very difficult matter to tell it; and why should +an author, merely to oblige people, get himself involved in a labyrinth +of difficulties, and rack his unfortunate brain to pick and choose words +properly to tell his story, yet at the same time to lead his readers +through the mazes of this very ticklish adventure, without a single +thorn scratching their delicate feelings, or as much as making the +smallest rent in the white muslin robe of propriety? So, not to run +unnecessary risks, the story must go on another way. + +When Shan More and the rest of the "big blackguards" began to wake, the +morning after the abduction, and gave a turn or two under their heather +coverlid, and rubbed their eyes as the sun peeped through the "curtains +of the east"--for these were the only bed-curtains Shan More and his +companions ever had--they stretched themselves and yawned, and felt +very thirsty, for they had all been blind drunk the night before, be it +remembered; and Shan More, to use his own expressive and poetic +imagery, swore that his tongue was "as rough as a rat's back," while +his companions went no further than saying theirs were as "dry as a +lime-burner's wig." We should not be so particular in those minute +details but for that desire of truth which has guided us all through +this veracious history and as in this scene, in particular, we feel +ourselves sure to be held seriously responsible for every word, we are +determined to be accurate to a nicety, and set down every syllable with +stenographic strictness. + +"Where's the girl?" cried Shan, not yet sober. + +"She's asleep with your sisther," was the answer. + +"Down-stairs?" inquired Shan. + +"Yes," said the other, who now knew that Big Jack was more drunk than he +at first thought him, by his using the words _stairs_; for Jack when he +was drunk was very grand, and called _down the ladder_ "down-_stairs_." + +"Get me a drink o' wather," said Jack, "for I'm thundherin' thirsty, and +can't deludher that girl with soft words till I wet my mouth." + +His attendant vagabond obeyed the order, and a large pitcher full of +water was handed to the master, who heaved it upwards to his head and +drank as audibly and nearly as much as a horse. Then holding his hands +to receive the remaining contents of the pitcher, which his followers +poured into his monstrous palms, he soused his face, which he afterwards +wiped in a wisp of grass--the only towel of Jack's which was not then at +the wash. + +Having thus made his toilet, Big Jack went downstairs, and as soon as +his great bull-head had disappeared beneath the trap, one of the men +above said, "We'll have a _shilloe_ soon, boys." + +And sure enough they did before long hear an extraordinary row. Jack +first roared for Bridget, and no answer was returned; the call was +repeated with as little effect, and at last a most tremendous roar was +heard above, but not from a female voice. Jack was heard below, swearing +like a trooper, and, in a minute or two, back he rushed "_up-stairs_" +and began cursing his myrmidons most awfully, and foaming at the mouth +with rage. + +"What's the matther?" cried the men. + +"Matther!" roared Jack; "oh, you 'tarnal villains! You're a purty set to +carry off a girl for a man--a purty job you've made of it!" + +"Arrah, didn't we bring her to you?" + +"_Her_, indeed--bring _her_--much good what you brought is to me!" + +"Tare an' ouns! what's the matther at all? We dunna what you mane!" +shouted the men, returning rage for rage. + +"Come down, and you'll see what's the matther," said Jack, descending +the ladder; and the men hastened after him. + +He led the way to the further end of the cabin, where a small glimmering +of light was permitted to enter from the top, and lifting a tattered +piece of canvas, which served as a screen to the bed, he exclaimed, with +a curse, "Look there, you blackguards!" + +The men gave a shout of surprise, for--what do you think they saw?--An +empty bed! + + + + +CHAPTER XLII + + +It may be remembered that, on Father Phil's recommendation, Andy was +to be removed out of the country to place him beyond the reach of Larry +Hogan's machinations, and that the proposed journey to London afforded a +good opportunity of taking him out of the way. Andy had been desired +by Squire Egan to repair to Merryvale; but as some days had elapsed and +Andy had not made his appearance, the alarms of the Squire that Andy +might be tampered with began to revive, and Dick Dawson was therefore +requested to call at the Widow Rooney's cabin as he was returning from +the town, where some business with Murphy, about the petition against +Scatterbrain's return, demanded his presence. + +Dick, as it happened, had no need to call at the widow's, for on his way +to the town who should he see approaching but the renowned Andy himself. +On coming up to him, Dick pulled up his horse, and Andy pulled off his +hat. + +"God save your honour," said Andy. + +"Why didn't you come to Merryvale, as you were bid?" said Dick. + +"I couldn't, sir, becase--" + +"Hold your tongue, you thief; you know you never can do what you're +bid--you are always wrong one way or other." + +"You're hard on me, Misther Dick." + +"Did you ever do anything right?--I ask yourself?" + +"Indeed, sir, this time it was a rale bit o' business I had to do." + +"And well you did it, no doubt. Did you marry any one lately?" said +Dick, with a waggish grin and a wink. + +"Faix, then, maybe I did," said Andy, with a knowing nod. + +"And I hope _Matty_ is well?" said Dick. + +"Ah, Misther Dick, you're always goin' on with your jokin', so you are. +So, you heerd o' that job, did you? Faix, a purty lady she is--oh, it's +not her at all I am married to, but another woman." + +"Another woman!" exclaimed Dick, in surprise. + +"Yis, sir, another woman--a kind craythur." + +"Another woman!" reiterated Dick, laughing; "married to two women in two +days! Why you're worse than a Turk!" + +"Ah, Misther Dick!" + +"You Tarquin!" + +"Sure, sir, what harm's in it?"' + +"You Heliogabalus!!" + +"Sure, it's no fault o' mine, sir." + +"Bigamy, by this and that, flat bigamy! You'll only be hanged, as sure +as your name's Andy." + +"Sure, let me tell you how it was, sir, and you'll see I am quit of all +harm, good or bad. 'T was a pack o' blackguards, you see, come to take +off Oonah, sir." + +"Oh, a case of abduction!" + +"Yis, sir; so the women dhressed me up as a girl, and the blackguards, +instead of the seduction of Oonah, only seduced me." + +"Capital!" cried Dick; "well done, Andy! And who seduced you?" + +"Shan _More_, 'faith--no less." + +"Ho, ho! a dangerous customer to play tricks on, Andy." + +"Sure enough, 'faith, and that's partly the rayson of what happened; +but, by good luck, Big Jack was blind dhrunk when I got there, and I +shammed screechin' so well that his sisther took pity on me, and said +she'd keep me safe from harm in her own bed that night." + +Dick gave a "view hallo" when he heard this, and shouted with laughter, +delighted at the thought of Shan More, instead of carrying off a girl +for himself, introducing a gallant to his own sister. + +"Oh, now I see how you are married," said Dick; "that was the biter bit +indeed." + +"Oh, the divil a bit I'd ha' bit her only for the cross luck with +me, for I wanted to schame off out o' the place, and escape; but she +wouldn't let me, and cotch me and brought me back." + +"I should think she would, indeed," said Dick, laughing. "What next?" + +"Why I drank a power o' punch, sir, and was off my guard, you see, and +couldn't keep the saycret so well afther that, and by dad she found it +out." + +"Just what I would expect of her," said Dick. + +"Well, do you know, sir, though the thrick was agen her own brother, +she laughed at it a power, and said I was a great divil, but that she +couldn't blame me. So then I'd sthruv to coax her to let me make my +escape, but she told me to wait a bit till the men above was faster +asleep; but while I was waitin' for them to go to sleep, faix, I went to +asleep myself, I was so tired; and when Bridget, the crathur, 'woke me +in the morning, she was cryin' like a spout afther a thunder-storm, and +said her characther would be ruined when the story got abroad over the +counthry, and sure she darn't face the world if I wouldn't make her an +honest woman." + +"The brazen baggage!" said Dick; "and what did you say?" + +"Why what could any man say, sir, afther that? Sure her karacther would +be gone if--" + +"Gone," said Dick, "'faith it might have gone further before it fared +worse." + +"Arrah! what do you mane, Misther Dick?" + +"Pooh, pooh! Andy--you don't mean to say you married that one?" + +"Faix, I did," said Andy. + +"Well, Andy," said Dick, grinning, "by the powers, you _have_ done it +this time! Good morning to you!" and Dick put spurs to his horse. + + + + +CHAPTER XLIII + + +Andy, "knocked all of a heap," stood in the middle of the road, looking +after Dick as he cantered down the slope. It was seldom poor Andy was +angry--but he felt a strong sense of indignation choking him as Dick's +parting words still rung in his ears. "What does he mane?" said Andy, +talking aloud; "what does he mane?" he repeated, anxious to doubt and +therefore question the obvious construction which Dick's words bore. +"Misther Dick is fond of a joke, and maybe this is one of his making; +but if it is, 't is not a fair one, 'pon my sowl: a poor man has his +feelin's as well as a rich man. How would you like your own wife to +be spoke of that way, Misther Dick, as proud as you ride your horse +there--humph?" + +Andy, in great indignation, pursued his way towards his mother's cabin +to ask her blessing upon his marriage. On his presenting himself there, +both the old woman and Oonah were in great delight at witnessing his +safe return; Oonah particularly, for she, feeling that it was for her +sake Andy placed himself in danger, had been in a state of great anxiety +for the result of the adventure, and, on seeing him, absolutely threw +herself into his arms, and embraced him tenderly, impressing many a +hearty kiss upon his lips, between whiles that she vowed she would never +forget his generosity and courage, and ending with saying there was +_nothing_ she would not do for him. + +Now Andy was flesh and blood like other people, and as the showers of +kisses from Oonah's ripe lips fell fast upon him he was not insensible +to the embrace of so very pretty a girl--a girl, moreover, he had always +had a "sneaking kindness" for, which Oonah's distance of manner alone +had hitherto made him keep to himself; but now, when he saw her eyes +beam gratitude, and her cheek flush, after her strong demonstration of +regard, and heard her last words, so _very_ like a hint to a shy man, +it must be owned a sudden pang shot through poor Andy's heart, and he +sickened at the thought of being married, which placed the tempting +prize before him hopelessly beyond his reach. + +He looked so blank, and seemed so unable to return Oonah's fond +greeting, that she felt the pique which every pretty woman experiences +who fancies her favours disregarded, and thought Andy the stupidest lout +she ever came across. Turning up her hair, which had fallen down in the +excess of her friendship, she walked out of the cottage, and, biting her +disdainful lip, fairly cried for spite. + +In the meantime, Andy popped down on his knees before the widow, and +said, "Give me your blessing, mother!" + +"For what, you omadhawn?" said his mother, fiercely; for her woman's +nature took part with Oonah's feelings, which she quite comprehended, +and she was vexed with what she thought Andy's disgusting insensibility. +"For what should I give you my blessing?" + +"Bekase I'm marri'd, ma'am." + +"What!" exclaimed the mother. "It's not marri'd again you are? You're +jokin' sure." + +"Faix, it's no joke," said Andy, sadly, "I'm marri'd sure enough; so +give us your blessin', anyhow," cried he, still kneeling. + +"And who did you _dar'_ for to marry, sir, if I make so bowld to ax, +without _my_ lave or license?" + +"There was no time for axin', mother--'t was done in a hurry, and I +can't help it, so give us your blessing at once." + +"Tell me who is she, before I give you my blessin'?" + +"_Shan More's_ sister, ma'am." + +"What!" exclaimed the widow, staggering back some paces--"Shan More's +sisther, did you say--Bridget _rhua_ [Footnote: Red-haired Bridget.] is +it?" + +"Yis, ma'am." + +"Oh, wirrasthru!--plillelew!--millia murther!" shouted the mother, +tearing her cap off her head,--"Oh blessed Vargin, holy St. Dominick, +Pether an' Paul the 'possel, what'll I do?--Oh, patther an' ave--you +dirty _bosthoon_--blessed angels and holy marthyrs!--kneelin' there in +the middle o' the flure as if nothing happened--look down on me this +day, a poor vartuous _dissolute_ woman!--Oh, you disgrace to me and all +belonging to you,--and is it the impidence to ask my blessin' you have, +when it's a whippin' at the cart's tail you ought to get, you shameless +scapegrace?" + +She then went wringing her hands, and throwing them upwards in appeals +to Heaven, while Andy still kept kneeling in the middle of the cabin, +lost in wonder. + +The widow ran to the door and called Oonah in. + +"Who do you think that blackguard is marri'd to?" said the widow. + +"Married!" exclaimed Oonah, growing pale. + +"Ay, marri'd, and who to, do you think?--Why to Bridget _rhua_." + +Oonah screamed and clasped her hands. + +Andy got up at last, and asked what they were making such a rout about; +he wasn't the first man who married without asking his mother's leave; +and wanted to know what they had to "say agen it." + +"Oh, you barefaced scandal o' the world!" cried the widow, "to ax sitch +a question--to marry a thrampin' sthreel like that--a great red-headed +jack--" + +"She can't help her hair," said Andy. + +"I wish I could cut it off, and her head along with it, the sthrap! Oh, +blessed Vargin! to have my daughter-in-law--" + +"What?" said Andy, getting rather alarmed. + +"That all the country knows is--" + +"What?" cried Andy. + +"Not a fair nor a market-town doesn't know her as well as--Oh, wirra! +wirra!" + +"Why you don't mane to say anything agen her charackther, do you?" said +Andy. + +"Charakther, indeed!" said his mother, with a sneer. + +"By this an' that," said Andy, "if she was the child unborn she couldn't +make a greater hullabaloo about her charakther than she did the mornin' +afther." + +"Afther what?" said his mother. + +"Afther I was tuk away up to the hill beyant, and found her there, +and--but I b'lieve I didn't tell you how it happened." + +"No," said Oonah, coming forward, deadly pale, and listening anxiously, +with a look of deep pity in her soft eyes. + +Andy then related his adventure as the reader already knows it; and +when it was ended, Oonah burst into tears and in passionate exclamations +blamed herself for all that had happened, saying it was in the endeavour +to save her that Andy had lost himself. + +"Oh, Oonah! Oonah!" said Andy, with more meaning in his voice than the +girl had ever heard before, "it isn't the loss of myself I mind, but +I've lost _you_ too. Oh, if you had ever given me a tendher word or look +before this day, 't would never have happened, and that desaiver in the +hills never could have _deludhered me_. And tell me, _lanna machree_, is +my suspicions right in what I hear--tell me the worst at oncet--is she +_non compos_?" + +"Oh, I never heerd her called by that name before," sobbed Oonah, "but +she has a great many others just as bad." + +"Ow! ow! ow!" exclaimed Andy. "Now I know what Misther Dick laughed at; +well, death before dishonour--I'll go 'list for a sojer, and never live +with her!" + + + + +CHAPTER XLIV + + +It has been necessary in an earlier chapter to notice the strange freaks +madness will sometimes play. It was then the object to show how strong +affections of the mind will recall an erring judgment to its true +balance; but, the action of the counterpoise growing weaker by time, +the disease returns, and reason again kicks the beam. Such was the old +dowager's case: the death of her son recalled her to herself; but a few +days produced relapse, and she was as foolish as ever. Nevertheless, as +Polonius remarks of Hamlet, + + "There is method in his madness;" + +so in the dowager's case there was method--not of a sane intention, +as the old courtier implies of the Danish Prince, but of _in_sane +birth--begot of a chivalrous feeling on an enfeebled mind. + +To make this clearly understood it is necessary to call attention to +one other peculiarity of madness,--that, while it makes those under +its influence liable to say and enact all sorts of nonsense on some +subjects, it never impairs their powers of observation on those which +chance to come within the reach of the un-diseased portion of the mind; +and moreover, they are quite as capable of arriving at just conclusions +upon what they _so_ see and hear, as the most reasonable person, and, +perhaps, in proportion as the reasoning power is limited within a +smaller compass, so the capability of observation becomes stronger by +being concentrated. + +Such was the case with the old dowager, who, while Furlong was "doing +devotion" to Augusta, and appeared the pink of faithful swains, saw very +clearly that Furlong did not like it a bit, and would gladly be off his +bargain. Yea, while the people in their sober senses on the same plane +with the parties were taken in, the old lunatic, even from the toppling +height of her own mad chimney-pot, could look down and see that Furlong +would not marry Augusta if he could help it. + +It _was_ even so. Furlong had acted under the influence of terror when +poor Augusta, shoved into his bedroom through the devilment of that +rascally imp, Ratty, and found there, through the evil destiny of Andy, +was flung into his arms by her enraged father, and accepted as his wife. +The immediate hurry of the election had delayed the marriage--the +duel and its consequences further interrupted "the happy event"--and +O'Grady's death caused a further postponement. It was delicately hinted +to Furlong, that when matters had gone so far as to the wedding-dresses +being ready, that the sooner the contracting parties under such +circumstances were married, the better. But Furlong, with that +affectation of propriety which belongs to his time-serving +tribe, pleaded the "regard to appearances"--"so soon after the +ever-to-be-deplored event,"--and other such specious excuses, which +were but covers to his own rascality, and used but to postpone the +"wedding-day." The truth was, the moment Furlong had no longer the +terrors of O'Grady's pistol before his eyes, he had resolved never to +take so bad a match as that with Augusta appeared to be--indeed was, as +far as regarded money; though Furlong should only have been too glad +to be permitted to mix his plebeian blood with the daughter of a man +of high family, whose crippled circumstances and consequent truckling +conduct had reduced him to the wretched necessity of making _such a cur_ +as Furlong the inmate of his house. But so it was. + +The family began at last to suspect the real state of the case, and all +were surprised except the old dowager; she had expected what was coming, +and had prepared herself for it. All her pistol practice was with a view +to call Furlong to the "last arbitrament" for this slight to her house. +Gusty was too young, she considered, for the duty; therefore she, in +her fantastic way of looking at the matter, looked upon _herself_ as the +head of the family, and, as such, determined to resent the affront put +upon it. + +But of her real design the family at Neck-or-Nothing Hall had not the +remotest notion. Of course, an old lady going about with a pistol, +powder-flask, and bullets, and practising on the trunks of the trees in +the park, could not pass without observation, and surmises there were +on the subject; then her occasional exclamation of "Tremble, villain!" +would escape her; and sometimes in the family circle, after sitting for +a while in a state of abstraction, she would lift her attenuated hand +armed with a knitting-needle or a ball of worsted, and assuming the +action of poising a pistol, execute a smart _click_ with her tongue, and +say, "I hit him that time." + +These exclamations, indicative of vengeance, were supposed at length +by the family to apply to Edward O'Connor, but excited pity rather than +alarm. When, however, one morning, the dowager was nowhere to be +found, and Ratty and the pistols had also disappeared, an inquiry was +instituted as to the old lady's whereabouts, and Mount Eskar was one +of the first places where she was sought, but without success; and all +other inquiries were equally unavailing. + +The old lady had contrived, with that cunning peculiar to insane people, +to get away from the house at an early hour in the morning, unknown to +all except Ratty, to whom she confided her intention, and he managed to +get her out of the domain unobserved, and thence together they proceeded +to Dublin in a post-chaise. It was the day after this secret expedition +was undertaken that Mr. Furlong was sitting in his private apartment +at the Castle, doing "the state some service" by reading the morning +papers, which heavy official duty he relieved occasionally by turning +to some scented notes which lay near a morocco writing-case, whence they +had been drawn by the lisping dandy to flatter his vanity. He had been +carrying on a correspondence with an anonymous fair one, in whose heart, +if her words might be believed, Furlong had made desperate havoc. + +It happened, however, that these notes were all fictitious, being the +work of Tom Loftus, who enjoyed playing on a puppy as much as playing on +the organ; and he had the satisfaction of seeing Furlong going through +his paces in certain squares he had appointed, wearing a flower of Tom's +choice and going through other antics which Tom had demanded under +the signature of "Phillis," written in a delicate hand on pink satin +note-paper with a lace border; one of the last notes suggested the +possibility of a visit from the lady, and, after assurances of "secrecy +and honour" had been returned by Furlong, he was anxiously expecting +"what would become of it;" and filled with pleasing reflections of what +"a devil of a fellow" he was among the ladies, he occasionally paced +the room before a handsome dressing-glass (with which his apartment +was always furnished), and ran his fingers through his curls with a +complacent smile. While thus occupied, and in such a frame of mind, the +hall messenger entered the apartment, and said a lady wished to see him. + +"A lady!" exclaimed Furlong, in delighted surprise. + +"She won't give her name, sir, but--" + +"Show her up! show her up!" exclaimed the Lothario, eagerly. + +All anxiety, he awaited the appearance of his donna; and quite a donna +she seemed, as a commanding figure, dressed in black, and enveloped in a +rich veil of the same, glided into the room. + +"How vewy Spanish!" exclaimed Furlong, as he advanced to meet his +incognita, who, as soon as she entered, locked the door, and withdrew +the key. + +"Quite pwactised in such secwet affairs," said Furlong slily. "Fai' +lady, allow me to touch you' fai' hand, and lead you to a seat." + +The mysterious stranger made no answer; but lifting her long veil, +turned round on the lisping dandy, who staggered back, when the dowager +O'Grady appeared before him, drawn up to her full height, and anything +but an agreeable expression in her eye. She stalked up towards him, +something in the style of a spectre in a romance, which she was not +very unlike; and as she advanced, he retreated, until he got the table +between him and this most unwelcome apparition. + +"I am come," said the dowager, with an ominous tone of voice. + +"Vewy happy of the hono', I am sure, Mistwess O'Gwady," faltered +Furlong. + +"The avenger has come." Furlong opened his eyes. "I have come to wash +the stain!" said she, tapping her fingers in a theatrical manner on the +table, and, as it happened, she pointed to a large blotch of ink on the +table-cover. Furlong opened his eyes wider than ever, and thought this +the queerest bit of madness he ever heard of; however, thinking it best +to humour her, he answered, "Yes, it was a little awkwa'dness of mine--I +upset the inkstand the othe' day." + +"Do you mock me, sir?" said she, with increasing bitterness. + +"La, no! Mistwess O'Gwady." + +"I have come, I say, to wash out in your blood the stain you have dared +to put on the name of O'Grady." + +Furlong gasped with mingled amazement and fear. + +"Tremble, villain!" she said; and she pointed toward him her long +attenuated finger with portentous solemnity. + +[Illustration: The Challenge] + +"I weally am quite at a loss, Mistwess O'Gwady, to compwehend--" + +Before he could finish his sentence, the dowager had drawn from the +depths of her side-pockets a brace of pistols, and presenting them to +Furlong, said, "Be at a loss no longer, except the loss of life which +may ensue: take your choice of weapons, sir." + +"Gwacious Heaven!" exclaimed Furlong, trembling from head to foot. + +"You won't choose, then?" said the dowager. "Well, there's one for you;" +and she laid a pistol before him with as courteous a manner as if she +were making him a birthday present. + +Furlong stared down upon it with a look of horror. + +"Now we must toss for choice of ground," said the dowager. "I have no +money about me, for I paid my last half-crown to the post-boy, but this +will do as well for a toss as anything else;" and she laid her hands +on the dressing-glass as she spoke. "Now the call shall be 'safe,' or +'smash;' whoever calls 'safe,' if the glass comes down unbroken, has the +choice, and _vice versa_. I call first--'_Smash_,'" said the dowager, as +she flung up the dressing-glass, which fell in shivers on the floor. "I +have won," said she; "oblige me, sir, by standing in that far corner. +I have the light in my back--and you will have something else in yours +before long; take your ground, sir." + +Furlong, finding himself thus cooped up with a mad woman, in an agony of +terror suddenly bethought himself of instances he had heard of escape, +under similar circumstances, by coinciding to a certain extent with the +views of the insane people, and suggested to the dowager that he hoped +she would not insist on a duel without their having a "friend" present. + +"I beg your pardon, sir," said the old lady: "I quite forgot that +form, in the excitement of the moment, though I have not overlooked the +necessity altogether, and have come provided with one." + +"Allow me to wing for him," said Furlong, rushing to the bell. + +"Stop!" exclaimed the dowager, levelling her pistol at the bell-pull; +"touch it, and you are a dead man!" + +Furlong stood riveted to the spot where his rush had been arrested. + +"No interruption, sir, till this little affair is settled. Here is my +friend," she added, putting her hand into her pocket and pulling out the +wooden cuckoo of her clock. "My little bird, sir, will see fair between +us;" and she perched the painted wooden thing, with a bit of feather +grotesquely sticking up out of its nether end, on the morocco +letter-case. + +"Oh, Lord!" said Furlong. + +"He's a gentleman of the nicest honour, sir!" said the dowager, pacing +back to the window. + +Furlong took advantage of the opportunity of her back being turned, and +rushed at the bell, which he pulled with great fury. + +The dowager wheeled round with haste. "So you have rung," said she, +"but it shall not avail you--the door is locked; take your weapon, +sir,--quick!--what!--a coward!" + +"Weally, Mistwess O'Gwady, I cannot think of deadly arbitrament with a +lady." + +"Less would you like it with a man, _poltroon_!" said she, with an +exaggerated expression of contempt in her manner. "However," she added, +"if you _are_ a coward, you shall have a coward's punishment." She went +to a corner where stood a great variety of handsome canes, and laying +hold of one, began soundly to thrash Furlong, who feared to make any +resistance or attempt to disarm her of the cane, for the pistol was yet +in her other hand. + +The bell was answered by the servant, who, on finding the door locked, +and hearing the row inside, began to knock and inquire loudly what was +the matter. The question was more loudly answered by Furlong, who roared +out, "Bweak the door! bweak the door!" interlarding his directions with +cries of "mu'der!" + +The door at length was forced, Furlong rescued, and the old lady +separated from him. She became perfectly calm the moment other persons +appeared, and was replacing the pistols in her pocket, when Furlong +requested the "dweadful weapons" might be seized. The old lady gave up +the pistols very quietly, but laid hold of her bird and put it back into +her pocket. + +"This is a dweadful violation!" said Furlong, "and my life is not safe +unless she is bound ove' to keep the peace." + +"Pooh! pooh!" said one of the gentlemen from the adjacent office, who +came to the scene on hearing the uproar, "binding over an old lady to +keep the peace--nonsense!" + +"I insist upon it," said Furlong, with that stubbornness for which fools +are so remarkable. + +"Oh--very well!" said the sensible gentleman, who left the room. + +A party, pursuant to Furlong's determination, proceeded to the head +police-office close by the Castle, and a large mob gathered as they went +down Cork-hill and followed them to Exchange-court, where they crowded +before them in front of the office, so that it was with difficulty the +principals could make their way through the dense mass. + +At length, however, they entered the office; and when Major Sir heard +any gentleman attached to the Government wanted his assistance, of +course he put any other case aside, and had the accuser and accused +called up before him. + +Furlong made his charge of assault and battery, with intent to murder, +&c., &c. "Some mad old rebel, I suppose," said Major Sir. "Do you +remember '98, ma'am?" said the major. + +"Indeed I do, sir--and I remember _you_ too: Major Sir I have the honour +to address, if I don't mistake." + +"Yes, ma'am. What then?" + +"I remember well in '98 when you were searching for rebels, you thought +a man was concealed in a dairy-yard in the neighbourhood of my mother's +house, major, in Stephen's Green; and you thought he was hid in a +hay-rick, and ordered your sergeant to ask for the loan of a spit from +my mother's kitchen to probe the haystack." + +"Oh! then, madam, your mother was _loyal_, I suppose." + +"Most loyal, sir." + +"Give the lady a chair," said the major. + +"Thank you, I don't want it--but, major, when you asked for the spit, +my mother thought you were going to practise one of your delightfully +ingenious bits of punishment, and asked the sergeant _who it was you +were going to roast_?" + +The major grew livid on the bench where he sat, at this awkward +reminiscence of one of his friends, and a dead silence reigned through +the crowded office. He recovered himself, however, and addressed Mrs. +O'Grady in a mumbling manner, telling her she must give security to keep +the peace, herself--and find friends as sureties. On asking her had she +any friends to appear for her, she declared she had. + +"A gentleman of the nicest honour, sir," said the dowager, pulling her +cuckoo from her pocket, and holding it up in view of the whole office. + +A shout of laughter, of course, followed. The affair became at once +understood in its true light; a mad old lady--a paltry coward--&c., &c. +Those who know the excitability and fun of an Irish mob will not +wonder that, when the story got circulated from the office to the crowd +without, which it did with lightning rapidity, the old lady, on being +placed in a hackney-coach which was sent for, was hailed with a chorus +of "Cuckoo!" by the multitude, one half of which ran after the coach +as long as they could keep pace with it, shouting forth the spring-time +call, and the other half followed Furlong to the Castle, with hisses and +other more articulate demonstrations of their contempt. + + + + +CHAPTER XLV + + +The fat and fair Widow Flanagan had, at length, given up +shilly-shallying, and yielding to the fervent entreaties of Tom Durfy, +had consented to name the happy day. She _would_ have some little +ways of her own about it, however, and instead of being married in the +country, insisted on the nuptial knot being tied in Dublin. Thither +the widow repaired with her swain to complete the stipulated time of +residence within some metropolitan parish before the wedding could +take place. In the meanwhile they enjoyed all the gaiety the capital +presented, the time glided swiftly by, and Tom was within a day of being +made a happy man, when, as he was hastening to the lodgings of the fair +widow, who was waiting with her bonnet and shawl on to be escorted to +the botanical gardens at Glasnevin, he was accosted by an odd-looking +person of somewhat sinister aspect. + +"I believe I have the honour of addressing Mister Durfy, sir?" Tom +answered in the affirmative. "_Thomas_ Durfy, Esquire, I think, sir?" + +"Yes." + +"This is for you, sir," he said, handing Tom a piece of dirty printed +paper, and at the same time laying his hand on Tom's shoulder and +executing a smirking sort of grin, which he meant to be the pattern +of politeness, added, "You'll excuse me, sir, but I arrest you under a +warrant from the High Sheriff of the city of Dublin; always sorry, sir, +for a gintleman in defficulties, but it's my duty." + +"You're a bailiff, then?" said Tom. + +"Sir," said the bum, + + "'Honour and shame from no condition rise; + Act well your part--there all the honour lies.'" + +"I meant no offence," said Tom. "I only meant--" + +"I understand, sir--I understand. These little defficulties startles +gintlemen at first--you've not been used to arrest, I see, sir?" + +"Never in my life did such a thing happen before," said Tom. "I live +generally, thank God, where a bailiff daren't show his face." + +"Ah, sir," said the bailiff with a grin, "them rustic habits betrays +the children o' nature often when they come to town; but we are _so +fisticated_ here in the metropolis, that we lay our hands on strangers +aisy. But you'd better not stand in the street, sir, or people will +understand it's an arrest, sir; and I suppose you wouldn't like the +exposure. I can simperise in a gintle-man's feelings, sir. If you +walk aisy on, sir, and don't attempt to escape or rescue, I'll keep a +gentlemanlike distance." + +Tom walked on in great perplexity for a few steps, not knowing what +to do. The hour of his rendezvous had struck; he knew how impatient of +neglect the widow always was; he at one moment thought of asking the +bailiff to allow him to proceed to her lodgings at once, there boldly +to avow what had taken place and ask her to discharge the debt; but +this his pride would not allow him to do. As he came to the corner of a +street, he got a tap on the elbow from the bailiff, who, with a jerking +motion of his thumb and a wink, said in a confidential tone to Tom, +"Down this street, sir--that's the way to the _pres'n_ (prison)." + +"Prison!" exclaimed Tom, halting involuntarily at the word. + +"Shove on, sir--shove on!" hastily repeated the sheriff's officer, +urging his orders by a nudge or two on Tom's elbow. + +"Don't shove me, sir!" said Tom, rather angrily, "or by G--" + +"Aisy, sir--aisy!" said the bailiff; "though I feel for the defficulties +of a gintleman, the caption must be made, sir. If you don't like the +pris'n, I have a nice little room o' my own, sir, where you can wait, +for a small consideration, until you get bail." + +"I'll go there, then," said Tom. "Go through as private streets as you +can." + +"Give me half-a-guinea for my trouble, sir, and I'll ambulate you +through lanes every _fut_ o' the way." + +"Very well," said Tom. + +They now struck into a shabby street, and thence wended through stable +lanes, filthy alleys, up greasy broken steps, through one close, and +down steps in another--threaded dark passages whose debouchures were +blocked up with posts to prevent vehicular conveyance, the accumulated +dirt of years sensible to the tread from its lumpy unevenness, and the +stagnant air rife with pestilence. Tom felt increasing disgust at every +step he proceeded, but anything to him appeared better than being seen +in the public streets in such company; for, until they got into these +labyrinths of nastiness, Tom thought he saw in the looks of every +passer-by, as plainly told as if the words were spoken, "There goes a +fellow under the care of the bailiff." In these by-ways, he had not any +objection to speak to his companion, and for the first time asked him +what he was arrested for. + +"At the suit of Mr. M'Kail, sir." + +"Oh! the tailor?" said Tom. + +"Yes, sir," said the bailiff. "And if you would not consider it trifling +with the feelings of a gintleman in defficulties, I would make the +playful observation, sir, that it's quite in character to be arrested at +the _suit_ of a tailor. He! he! he!" + +"You're a wag, I see," said Tom. + +"Oh no, sir, only a poetic turn: a small affection I have certainly for +Judy Mot, but my rale passion is the muses. We are not far now, sir, +from my little bower of repose--which is the name I give my humble +abode--small, but snug, sir. You'll see another gintleman there, sir, +before you. He is waitin' for bail these three or four days, sir--can't +pay as he ought for the 'commodation, but he's a friend o' mine, I may +almost say, sir--a litherary gintleman--them litherary gintlemen is +always in defficulties mostly. I suppose you're a litherary gintleman, +sir--though you're rather ginteely dhressed for one?" + +"No," said Tom, "I am not." + +"I thought you wor, sir, by being acquainted with this other gintleman." + +"An acquaintance of mine!" said Tom, with surprise. + +"Yes, sir. In short it was through him I found out where you wor, sir. +I have had the wret agen you for some time, but couldn't make you off, +till my friend says I must carry a note from him to you." + +"Where is the note?" inquired Tom. + +"Not ready yet, sir. It's po'thry he's writin'--something 'pithy' +he said, and 'lame' too. I dunna how a thing could be pithy and lame +together, but them potes has hard words at command." + +"Then you came away without the note?" + +"Yis, sir. As soon as I found out where you wor stopping I ran off +directly on Mr. M'Kail's little business. You'll excuse the liberty, +sir; but we must all mind our professions; though, indeed, sir, if you +b'lieve me, I'd rather nab a rhyme than a gintleman any day; and if I +could get on the press I'd quit the shoulder-tapping profession." + +Tom cast an eye of wonder on the bailiff, which the latter comprehended +at once; for with habitual nimbleness he could nab a man's thoughts as +fast as his person. "I know what you're thinkin', sir--could one of my +profession pursue the muses? Don't think, sir, I mane I could write the +'laders' or the pollitik'l articles, but the criminal cases, sir--the +robberies and offinces--with the watchhouse cases--together with a +little po'thry now and then. I think I could be useful, sir, and do +better than some of the chaps that pick up their ha'pence that way. But +here's my place, sir--my little bower of repose." + +He knocked at the door of a small tumble-down house in a filthy lane, +the one window it presented in front being barred with iron. Some bolts +were drawn inside, and though the man who opened the door was forbidding +in his aspect, he did not refuse to let Tom in. The portal was hastily +closed and bolted after they had entered. The smell of the house was +pestilential--the entry dead dark. + +"Give me your hand, sir," said the bailiff, leading Tom forward. They +ascended some creaking stairs, and the bailiff, fumbling for some time +with a key at a door, unlocked it and shoved it open, and then led in +his captive. Tom saw a shabby-genteel sort of person, whose back was +towards him, directing a letter. + +"Ah, Goggins!" said the writer, "you're come back in the nick of time. I +have finished now, and you may take the letter to Mister Durfy." + +"You may give it to him yourself, sir," replied Goggins, "for here he +is." + +"Indeed!" said the writer, turning round. + +"What!" exclaimed Tom Durfy, in surprise; "James Reddy!" + +"Even so," said James, with a sentimental air: + + "'The paths of glory lead but to the grave.' + +Literature is a bad trade, my dear Tom!--'tis an ungrateful world--men +of the highest aspirations may lie in gaol for all the world cares; +not that you come within the pale of the worthless ones; this is +good-natured of you to come and see a friend in trouble. You deserve, my +dear Tom, that you should have been uppermost in my thoughts; for here +is a note I have just written to you, enclosing a copy of verses to you +on your marriage--in short, it is an epithalamium." + +"That's what I told you, sir," said Goggins to Tom. + +"May the divil burn you and your epithalamium!" said Tom Durfy, stamping +round the little room. + +James Reddy stared in wonder, and Goggins roared, laughing. + +"A pretty compliment you've paid me, Mister Reddy, this fine morning," +said Tom; "you tell a bailiff where I live, that you may send your +infernal verses to me, and you get me arrested." + +"Oh, murder!" exclaimed James. "I'm very sorry, my dear Tom; but, at the +same time, 't is a capital incident! How it would work up in a farce!" + +"How funny it is!" said Tom in a rage, eyeing James as if he could have +eaten him. "Bad luck to all poetry and poetasters! By the 'tarnal war, +I wish every poet, from Homer down, was put into a mortar and pounded to +death!" + +James poured forth expressions of sorrow for the mischance; and +extremely ludicrous it was to see one man making apologies for trying +to pay his friend a compliment; his friend swearing at him for his +civility, and the bailiff grinning at them both. + +In this triangular dilemma we will leave them for the present. + + + + +CHAPTER XLVI + + +Edward O'Connor, on hearing from Gustavus of the old dowager's +disappearance from Neck-or-Nothing Hall, joined in the eager inquiries +which were made about her; and _his_ being directed with more method and +judgment than those of others, their result was more satisfactory. He +soon "took up the trail," to use an Indian phrase, and he and Gusty were +not many hours in posting after the old lady. They arrived in town early +in the morning, and lost no time in casting about for information. + +One of the first places Edward inquired at was the inn where the +postchaise generally drove to from the house where the old dowager had +obtained her carriage in the country; but there no trace was to be had. +Next, the principal hotels were referred to, but as yet without success; +when, as they turned into one of the leading streets in continuance of +their search, their attention was attracted by a crowd swaying to and +fro in that peculiar manner which indicates there is a fight inside +of it. Great excitement prevailed on the verge of the crowd, where +exclamations escaped from those who could get a peep at the fight. + +"The little chap has great heart!" cried one. + +"But the sweep is the biggest," said another. + +"Well done, _Horish_!" [Footnote: The name of a celebrated sweep in +Ireland, whose name is applied to the whole.] cried a blackguard, who +enjoyed the triumph of his fellow. "Bravo! little fellow," rejoined +a genteel person, who rejoiced in some successful hit of the other +combatant. There is an inherent love in men to see a fight, which Edward +O'Connor shared with inferior men; and if _he_ had not peeped into the +ring, most assuredly Gusty would. What was their astonishment, when they +got a glimpse of the pugilists, to perceive Ratty was one of them--his +antagonist being a sweep, taller by a head, and no bad hand at the +"noble science." + +Edward's first impulse was to separate them, but Gusty requested he +would not, saying that he saw by Ratty's eye he was able to "lick the +fellow." Ratty certainly showed great fight; what the sweep had in +superior size was equalized by the superior "game" of the gentleman-boy, +to whom the indomitable courage of a high-blooded race had descended, +and who would sooner have died than yield. Besides, Ratty was not +deficient in the use of his "bunch of fives," hit hard for his size, +and was very agile: the sweep sometimes made a rush, grappled, and got +a fall; but he never went in without getting something from Ratty to +"remember him," and was not always uppermost. At last, both were so far +punished, and the combat not being likely to be speedily ended (for the +sweep was no craven), that the bystanders interfered, declaring that +"they ought to be separated," and they were. + +While the crowd was dispersing, Edward called a coach; and before Ratty +could comprehend how the affair was managed, he was shoved into it and +driven from the scene of action. Ratty had a confused sense of hearing +loud shouts--of being lifted somewhere--of directions given--the rattle +of iron steps clinking sharply--two or three fierce bangs of a door that +wouldn't shut, and then an awful shaking, which roused him up from the +corner of the vehicle into which he had fallen in the first moment of +exhaustion. Ratty "shook his feathers," dragged his hair from out of his +eyes, which were getting very black indeed, and applied his handkerchief +to his nose, which was much in need of that delicate attention; and when +the sense of perfect vision was restored to him, which was not for some +time (all the colours of the rainbow dancing before Ratty's eyes for +many seconds after the fight), what was his surprise to see Edward +O'Connor and Gusty sitting on the opposite seat! + +It was some time before Ratty could quite comprehend his present +situation; but as soon as he was made sensible of it, and could answer, +the first questions asked of him were about his grandmother. Ratty +fortunately remembered the name of the hotel where she put up, though +he had left it as soon as the old lady proceeded to the Castle--had lost +his way--and got engaged in a quarrel with a sweep in the meantime. + +The coach was ordered to drive to the hotel named; and how the fight +occurred was the next question. + +"The sweep was passing by, and I called him 'snow-ball,'" said Ratty; +"and the blackguard returned an impudent answer, and I hit him." + +"You had no right to call him 'snow-ball,'" said Edward. + +"I always called the sweeps 'snow-ball' down at the Hall," said Ratty, +"and they never answered." + +"When you are on your own territory you may say what you please to your +dependents, Ratty, and they dare not answer; or to use a vulgar saying, +'A cock may crow on his own dunghill.'" + +"I'm no dunghill cock!" said Ratty, fiercely. + +"Indeed, you're not," said Edward, laying his hand kindly on the boy's +shoulder; "you have plenty of courage." + +"I'd have licked him," said Ratty, "if they'd have let me have two or +three rounds more." + +"My dear boy, other things are needful in this world besides courage. +Prudence, temper, and forbearance are required; and this may be a lesson +to you, to remember, that, when you get abroad in the world, you are +very little cared about, however great your consequence may be at home; +and I am sure you cannot be proud about your having got into a quarrel +_with a sweep_." + +Ratty made no answer--his blood began to cool--he became every moment +more sensible that he had received heavy blows. His eyes became more +swollen, he snuffled more in his speech, and his blackened condition +altogether, from gutter, soot, and thrashing, convinced him a fight with +a sweep was _not_ an enviable achievement. + +The coach drew up at the hotel. Edward left Gusty to see about the +dowager, and made an appointment for Gusty to meet him at their own +lodgings in an hour; while he in the interim should call on Dick Dawson, +who was in town on his way to London. + +Edward shook hands with Ratty and bade him kindly good bye. "You're +a stout fellow, Ratty," said he, "but remember this old saying, +'_Quarrelsome dogs get dirty coats_.'" + +Edward now proceeded to Dick's lodgings, and found him engaged in +reading a note from Tom Durfy, dated from the "Bower of Repose," and +requesting Dick's aid in his present difficulty. + +"Here's a pretty kettle of fish," said Dick: "Tom Durfy, who is engaged +to dine with me to-day to take leave of his bachelor life, as he is +going to be married to-morrow, is arrested, and now in _quod_, and wants +me to bail him." + +"The shortest way is to pay the money at once," said Edward; "is it +much?" + +"That I don't know; but I have not a great deal about me, and what I +have I want for my journey to London and my expenses there--not but what +I'd help Tom if I could." + +"He must not be allowed to remain _there_, however we manage to get him +out," said Edward; "perhaps I can help you in the affair." + +"You're always a good fellow, Ned," said Dick, shaking his hand warmly. + +Edward escaped from hearing any praise of himself by proposing they +should repair at once to the sponging-house, and see how matters stood. +Dick lamented he should be called away at such a moment, for he was just +going to get his wine ready for the party--particularly some champagne, +which he was desirous of seeing well iced; but as he could not wait to +do it himself, he called Andy, to give him directions about it, and set +off with Edward to the relief of Tom Durfy. + +Andy was once more in service in the Egan family; for the Squire, on +finding him still more closely linked by his marriage with the desperate +party whose influence over Andy was to be dreaded, took advantage of +Andy's disgust against the woman who had entrapped him, and offered to +take him off to London instead of enlisting; and as Andy believed he +would be there sufficiently out of the way of the false Bridget, he came +off at once to Dublin with Dick, who was the pioneer of the party to +London. + +Dick gave Andy the necessary directions for icing the champagne, which +he set apart and pointed out most particularly to our hero, lest he +should make a mistake and perchance ice the port instead. + +After Edward and Dick had gone, Andy commenced operations according to +orders. He brought a large tub up-stairs containing rough ice, which +excited Andy's wonder, for he never had known till now that ice was +preserved for and applied to such a use, for an ice-house did not happen +to be attached to any establishment in which he had served. + +"Well, this is the quarest thing I ever heerd of," said Andy. "Musha! +what outlandish inventions the quolity has among them! They're not +contint with wine, but they must have ice along with it--and in a tub, +too!--just like pigs!--throth it's a dirty thrick, I think. Well, here +goes!" said he; and Andy opened a bottle of champagne, and poured it +into the tub with the ice. "How it fizzes!" said Andy, "Faix, it's +almost as lively as the soda-wather that bothered me long ago. Well, I +know more about things now; sure it's wondherful how a man improves with +practice!"--and another bottle of champagne was emptied into the tub +as he spoke. Thus, with several other complacent comments upon his own +proficiency, Andy poured half-a-dozen of champagne into the tub of ice, +and remarked, when he had finished his work, that he thought it would be +"mighty cowld on their stomachs." + +Dick and Edward all this time were on their way to the relief of Tom +Durfy, who, though he had cooled down from the boiling-pitch to which +the misadventure of the morning had raised him, was still _simmering_, +with his elbows planted on the rickety table in Mr. Goggins' "bower," +and his chin resting on his clenched hands. It was the very state of +mind in which Tom was most dangerous. + +At the other side of the table sat James Reddy, intently employed in +writing; his pursed mouth and knitted brows bespoke a labouring state +of thought, and the various crossings, interlinings, and blottings gave +additional evidence of the same, while now and then a rush at a line +which was knocked off in a hurry, with slashing dashes of the pen, +and fierce after-crossings of _t's_, and determined dottings of _i's_, +declared some thought suddenly seized, and executed with bitter triumph. + +"You seem very _happy in yourself_ in what you are writing," said Tom. +"What is it? Is it another epithalamium?" + +"It is a caustic article against the successful men of the day," said +Reddy; "they have no merit, sir--none. 'T is nothing but luck has placed +them where they are, and they ought to be exposed." He then threw down +his pen as he spoke, and, after a silence of some minutes, suddenly put +this question to Tom: + +"What do you think of the world?" + +"'Faith, I think it so pleasant a place," said Tom, "that I'm +confoundedly vexed at being kept out of it by being locked up here; +and that cursed bailiff is so provokingly free-and-easy--coming in here +every ten minutes, and making himself at home." + +"Why, as for that matter, it is his home, you must remember." + +"But while a gentleman is here for a period," said Tom, "this room ought +to be considered his, and that fellow has no business here--and then his +bows and scrapes, and talking about the feelings of a gentleman, and all +that--'t is enough to make a dog beat his father. Curse him! I'd like to +choke him." + +"Oh! that's merely his manner," said James. + +"Want of manners, you mean," said Tom. "Hang me, if he comes up to me +with his rascally familiarity again, but I'll kick him down stairs." + +"My dear fellow, you are excited," said Reddy; "don't let these +sublunary trifles ruffle your temper--you see how I bear it; and to +recall you to yourself, I will remind you of the question we started +from, 'What do you think of the world?' There's a general question--a +broad question, upon which one may talk with temper and soar above +the petty grievances of life in the grand consideration of so ample a +subject. You see me here, a prisoner like yourself, but I can talk of +_the world_. Come, be a calm philosopher, like me! Answer, what do you +think of the world?" + +"I've told you already," said Tom; "it's a capital place, only for the +bailiffs." + +"I can't agree with you," said James. "I think it one vast pool of +stagnant wretchedness, where the _malaria_ of injustice holds her scales +suspended, to poison rising talent by giving an undue weight to existing +prejudices." + +To this lucid and good-tempered piece of philosophy, Tom could only +answer, "You know I am no poet, and I cannot argue with you but, 'pon my +soul, I _have_ known, and _do_ know, some uncommon good fellows in the +world." + +"You're wrong, you're wrong, my unsuspecting friend. 'T is a bad world, +and no place for susceptible minds. Jealousy pursues talent like its +shadow--superiority alone wins for you the hatred of inferior men. For +instance, why am _I_ here? The editor of _my_ paper will not allow _my_ +articles always to appear;--prevents their insertion, lest the effect +they would make would cause inquiry, and tend to _my_ distinction; and +the consequence is, that the paper _I_ came to _uphold_ in Dublin +is deprived of _my_ articles, and _I_ don't get paid; while _I_ see +_inferior_ men, without asking for it, loaded with favour; _they_ are +abroad in affluence, and _I_ in captivity and poverty. But one comfort +is, even in disgrace I can write, and they shall get a slashing." + +Thus spoke the calm philosopher, who gave Tom a lecture on patience. + +Tom was no great conjuror; but at that moment, like Audrey, "he thanked +the gods he was not poetical." If there be any one thing more than +another to make an "every-day man" content with his average lot, it is +the exhibition of ambitious inferiority, striving for distinction it can +never attain; just given sufficient perception to desire the glory of +success, without power to measure the strength that can achieve it; like +some poor fly, which beats its head against a pane of glass, seeing the +sunshine beyond, but incapable of perceiving the subtle medium which +intervenes--too delicate for its limited sense to comprehend, but too +strong for its limited power to pass. But though Tom felt satisfaction +at that moment, he had too good feeling to wound the self-love of the +vain creature before him; so, instead of speaking what he thought, viz., +"What business have you to attempt literature, you conceited fool?" he +tried to wean him civilly from his folly by saying, "Then come back to +the country, James; if you find jealous rivals _here_, you know you were +always admired _there_." + +"No, sir," said James; "even there my merit was unacknowledged." + +"No! no!" said Tom. + +"Well, underrated, at least. Even there, _that_ Edward O'Connor, somehow +or other, I never could tell why--I never saw his great talents--but +somehow or other, people got it into their heads that he was clever." + +"I tell you what it is," said Tom, earnestly, "Ned-of-the-Hill has +got into a better place than people's _heads_--he has got into their +_hearts_!" + +"There it is!" exclaimed James, indignantly. "You have caught up the +cuckoo-cry--the heart! Why, sir, what merit is there in writing about +feelings which any common labourer can comprehend? There's no poetry in +that; true poetry lies in a higher sphere, where you have difficulty +in following the flight of the poet, and possibly may not be fortunate +enough to understand him--that's poetry, sir." + +"I told you I am no poet," said Tom; "but all I know is, I have felt +my heart warm to some of Edward's songs, and, by jingo, I have seen the +women's eyes glisten, and their cheeks flush or grow pale, as they have +heard them--and that's poetry enough for me." + +"Well, let Mister O'Connor enjoy his popularity, sir, if popularity it +may be called, in a small country circle--let him enjoy it--I don't envy +him _his_, though I think he was rather jealous about mine." + +"Ned jealous!" exclaimed Tom, in surprise. + +"Yes, jealous; I never heard him say a kind word of any verses I ever +wrote in my life; and I am certain he has most unkind feelings towards +me." + +"I tell you what it is," said Tom, "getting up" a bit; "I told you I +don't understand poetry, but I _do_ understand what's an infinitely +better thing, and that's fine, generous, manly feeling; and if there's +a human being in the world incapable of wronging another in his mind or +heart, or readier to help his fellow-man, it is Edward O'Connor: so say +no more, James, if you please." + +Tom had scarcely uttered the last word, when the key was turned in the +door. + +"Here's that infernal bailiff again!" said Tom, whose irritability, +increased by Reddy's paltry egotism and injustice, was at its +boiling-pitch once more. He planted himself firmly in his chair, and +putting on his fiercest frown, was determined to confront Mister Goggins +with an aspect that should astonish him. + +The door opened, and Mister Goggins made his appearance, presenting to +the gentlemen in the room the hinder portion of his person, which made +several indications of courtesy performed by the other half of his body, +while he uttered the words, "Don't be astonished, gentlemen; you'll be +used to it by-and-by." And with these words he kept backing towards Tom, +making these nether demonstrations of civility, till Tom could plainly +see the seams in the back of Mr. Goggins's pantaloons. + +Tom thought this was some new touch of the "free-and-easy" on Mister +Goggins's part, and, losing all command of himself, he jumped from +his chair, and with a vigorous kick gave Mister Goggins such a lively +impression of his desire that he should leave the room, that Mister +Goggins went head foremost down the stairs, pitching his whole weight +upon Dick Dawson and Edward O'Connor, who were ascending the dark +stairs, and to whom all his bows had been addressed. Overwhelmed with +astonishment and twelve stone of bailiff, they were thrown back into the +hall, and an immense uproar in the passage ensued. + +Edward and Dick were near coming in for some hard usage from Goggins, +conceiving it might be a preconcerted attempt on the part of his +prisoners and their newly arrived friends to achieve a rescue; and +while he was rolling about on the ground, he roared to his evil-visaged +janitor to look to the door first, and keep him from being "murthered" +after. + +Fortunately no evil consequences ensued, until matters could be +explained in the hall, and Edward and Dick were introduced to the upper +room, from which Goggins had been so suddenly ejected. + +There the bailiff demanded in a very angry tone the cause of +Tom's conduct; and when it was found to be _only_ a mutual +misunderstanding--that Goggins wouldn't take a liberty with a gentleman +"in defficulties" for the world, and that Tom wouldn't hurt a fly, "only +under a mistake"--matters were cleared up to the satisfaction of all +parties, and the real business of the meeting commenced:--that was to +pay Tom's debt out of hand; and when the bailiff saw all demands, fees +included, cleared off, the clouds from his brow cleared off also, he +was the most amiable of sheriff's officers, and all his sentimentality +returned. + +Edward did not seem quite to sympathise with his amiability, so Goggins +returned to the charge, while Tom and Dick were exchanging a few words +with James Reddy. + +"You see, sir," said Goggins, "in the first place, it is quite beautiful +to see the mind in adversity bearing up against the little antediluvian +afflictions that will happen occasionally, and then how fine it is +to remark the spark of generosity that kindles in the noble heart and +rushes to the assistance of the destitute! I do assure you, sir, it is +a most beautiful sight to see the gentlemen in defficulties waitin' here +for their friends to come to their relief, like the last scene in Blue +Beard, where sister Ann waves her han'kerchief from the tower--the +tyrant is slain--and virtue rewarded! + +"Ah, sir!" said he to Edward O'Connor, whose look of disgust at the +wretched den caught the bailiff's attention, "don't entertain an +antifassy from first imprissions, which is often desaivin'. I do pledge +you my honour, sir, there is no place in the 'varsal world where +human nature is visible in more attractive colours than in this humble +retrait." + +Edward could not conceal a smile at the fellow's absurdity, though his +sense of the ridiculous could not overcome the disgust with which the +place inspired him. He gave an admonitory touch to the elbow of Dick +Dawson, who, with his friend Tom Durfy, followed Edward from the +room, the bailiff bringing up the rear, and relocking the door on the +unfortunate James Reddy, who was left "alone in his glory," to finish +his slashing article against the successful men of the day. Nothing more +than words of recognition had passed between Reddy and Edward. In +the first place, Edward's appearance at the very moment the other was +indulging in illiberal observations upon him rendered the ill-tempered +poetaster dumb; and Edward attributed this distance of manner to a +feeling of shyness which Reddy might entertain at being seen in such a +place, and therefore had too much good breeding to thrust his civility +on a man who seemed to shrink from it; but when he left the house he +expressed his regret to his companions at the poor fellow's unfortunate +situation. + +It touched Tom Durfy's heart to hear these expressions of compassion +coming from the lips of the man he had heard maligned a few minutes +before by the very person commiserated, and it raised his opinion higher +of Edward, whose hand he now shook with warm expressions of thankfulness +on his own account, for the prompt service rendered to him. Edward +made as light of his own kindness as he could, and begged Tom to think +nothing of such a trifle. + +"One word I will say to you, Durfy, and I'm sure you'll pardon me for +it." + +"Could you say a thing to offend me?" was the answer. + +"You are to be married soon, I understand?" + +"To-morrow," said Tom. + +"Well, my dear Durfy, if you owe any more money, take a real friend's +advice, and tell your pretty good-hearted widow the whole amount of your +debts before you marry her." + +"My dear O'Connor," said Tom, "the money you've lent me now is all I owe +in the world; 't was a tailor's bill, and I quite forgot it. You know, +no one ever thinks of a tailor's bill. Debts, indeed!" added Tom, with +surprise; "my dear fellow, I never could be much in debt, for the devil +a one would trust me." + +"An excellent reason for your unencumbered state," said Edward, "and I +hope you pardon me." + +"Pardon!" exclaimed Tom, "I esteem you for your kind and manly +frankness." + +In the course of their progress towards Dick's lodgings, Edward reverted +to James Reddy's wretched condition, and found it was but some petty +debt for which he was arrested. He lamented, in common with Dick and +Tom, the infatuation which made him desert a duty he could profitably +perform by assisting his father in his farming concerns, to pursue a +literary path, which could never be any other to him than one of thorns. + +As Edward had engaged to meet Gusty in an hour, he parted from his +companions and pursued his course alone. But, instead of proceeding +immediately homeward, he retraced his steps to the den of the bailiff +and gave a quiet tap at the door. Mister Goggins himself answered to the +knock, and began a loud and florid welcome to Edward, who stopped his +career of eloquence by laying a finger on his lip in token of silence. +A few words sufficed to explain the motive of his visit. He wished to +ascertain the sum for which the gentleman up-stairs was detained. The +bailiff informed him; and the money necessary to procure the captive's +liberty was placed in his hand. + +The bailiff cast one of his melodramatic glances at Edward, and said, +"Didn't I tell you, sir, this was the place for calling out the noblest +feelings of human nature?" + +"Can you oblige me with writing materials?" said Edward. + +"I can, sir," said Goggins, proudly, "and with other _materials_ too, +if you like--and 'pon my honour, I'll be proud to drink your health, for +you're a raal gintleman." [Footnote: The name given in Ireland to the +necessary materials for the compounding of whisky-punch.] + +Edward, in the civilest manner, declined the offer, and wrote, or +rather tried to write, the following note, with a pen like a skewer, ink +something thicker than mud, and on whity-brown paper:-- + +"DEAR SIR,--I hope you will pardon the liberty I have taken in your +temporary want of money. You can repay me at your convenience. Yours, + +"E. O'C." + +Edward left the den, and so did James Reddy soon after--a better man. +Though weak, his heart was not shut to the humanities of life--and +Edward's kindness, in opening his eyes to the wrong he had done _one_ +man, induced in his heart a kinder feeling towards all. He tore up his +slashing article against successful men. Would that every disappointed +man would do the same. + +The bailiff was right: even so low a den as his becomes ennobled by the +presence of active benevolence and prejudice reclaimed. + + + + +CHAPTER XLVII + + +Edward, on returning to his hotel, found Gusty there before him, in +great delight at having seen a "splendid" horse, as he said, which had +been brought for Edward's inspection, he having written a note on his +arrival in town to a dealer stating his want of a first-rate hunter. + +"He's in the stable now," said Gusty; "for I desired the man to wait, +knowing you would be here soon." + +"I cannot see him now, Gusty," said Edward: "will you have the kindness +to tell the groom I can look at the horse in his own stables when I wish +to purchase?" + +Gusty departed to do the message, somewhat in wonder, for Edward loved +a fine horse. But the truth was, Edward's disposable money, which he had +intended for the purchase of a hunter, had a serious inroad made upon +it by the debts he had discharged for other men, and he was forced +to forego the pleasure he had proposed to himself in the next hunting +season; and he did not like to consume any one's time, or raise false +expectations, by affecting to look at disposable property with the eye +of a purchaser, when he knew it was beyond his reach; and the flimsy +common-places of "I'll think of it," or "If I don't see something +better," or any other of the twenty hackneyed excuses which idle people +make, after consuming busy men's time, Edward held to be unworthy. He +could ride a hack and deny himself hunting for a whole season, but +he would not unnecessarily consume the useful time of any man for ten +minutes. + +This may be sneered at by the idle and thoughtless; nevertheless, it is +a part of the minor morality which is ever present in the conduct of a +true gentleman. + +Edward had promised to join Dick's dinner-party on an impromptu +invitation, and the clock striking the appointed hour warned Edward it +was time to be off; so, jumping up on a jaunting car, he rattled off to +Dick's lodgings, where a jolly party was assembled ripe for fun. + +Amongst the guests was a rather remarkable man, a Colonel Crammer, who +had seen a monstrous deal of service--one of Tom Durfy's friends whom he +had asked leave to bring with him to dinner. Of course, Dick's card +and a note of invitation for the gallant colonel were immediately +despatched; and he had but just arrived before Edward, who found a +bustling sensation in the room as the colonel was presented to those +already assembled, and Tom Durfy giving whispers, aside, to each +person touching his friend; such as--"Very remarkable man"--"Seen great +service"--"A little odd or so"--"A fund of most extraordinary anecdote," +&c., &c. + +Now this Colonel Crammer was no other than Tom Loftus, whose +acquaintance Dick wished to make, and who had been invited to the dinner +after a preliminary visit; but Tom sent an excuse in his own name, and +preferred being present under a fictitious one--this being one of the +odd ways in which his humour broke out, desirous of giving people a +"touch of his quality" before they knew him. He was in the habit of +assuming various characters; a methodist missionary--the patentee +of some unheard-of invention--the director of some new joint-stock +company--in short, anything which would give him an opportunity of +telling tremendous bouncers was equally good for Tom. His reason for +assuming a military guise on this occasion was to bother Moriarty, whom +he knew he should meet, and held a special reason for tormenting; and +he knew he could achieve this, by throwing all the stories Moriarty was +fond of telling about his own service into the shade, by extravagant +inventions of "hair-breadth 'scapes" and feats by "flood and +field." Indeed, the dinner would not be worth mentioning but for the +extraordinary capers Tom cut on the occasion, and the unheard-of lies he +squandered. + +Dinner was announced by Andy, and with good appetite soup and fish were +soon despatched; sherry followed as a matter of necessity. The second +course appeared, and was not long under discussion when Dick called for +the "champagne." + +Andy began to drag the tub towards the table, and Dick, impatient of +delay, again called "champagne." + +"I'm bringin' it to you, sir," said Andy, tugging at the tub. + +"Hand it round the table," said Dick. + +Andy tried to lift the tub, "to hand it round the table;" but, finding +he could not manage it, he whispered to Dick, "I can't get it up, sir." + +Dick, fancying Andy meant he had got a flask not in a sufficient state +of effervescence to expel its own cork, whispered in return, "Draw it, +then." + +"I was dhrawin' it to you, sir, when you stopped me." + +"Well, make haste with it," said Dick. + +"Mister Dawson, I'll trouble you for a small slice of the turkey," said +the colonel. + +"With pleasure, colonel; but first do me the honour to take champagne. +Andy--champagne!" + +"Here it is, sir!" said Andy, who had drawn the tub close to Dick's +chair. + +"Where's the wine, sir?" said Dick, looking first at the tub and then at +Andy. "There, sir," said Andy, pointing down to the ice. "I put the wine +into it, as you towld me." + +Dick looked again at the tub, and said, "There is not a single bottle +there--what do you mean, you stupid rascal?" + +"To be sure, there's no bottle there, sir. The bottles is all on the +sideboord, but every dhrop o' the wine is in the ice, as you towld me, +sir; if you put your hand down into it, you'll feel it, sir." + +The conversation between master and man growing louder as it proceeded +attracted the attention of the whole company, and those near the head +of the table became acquainted as soon as Dick with the mistake Andy had +made, and could not resist laughter; and as the cause of their merriment +was told from man to man, and passed round the board, a roar of laughter +uprose, not a little increased by Dick's look of vexation, which at +length was forced to yield to the infectious merriment around him, and +he laughed with the rest, and making a joke of the disappointment, which +is the very best way of passing one off, he said that he had the honour +of originating at his table a magnificent scale of hospitality; for +though he had heard of company being entertained with a whole hogshead +of claret, he was not aware of champagne being ever served in a tub +before. The company were too determined to be merry to have their +pleasantry put out of tune by so trifling a mishap, and it was generally +voted that the joke was worth twice as much as the wine. Nevertheless, +Dick could not help casting a reproachful look now and then at Andy, +who had to run the gauntlet of many a joke cut at his expense, while +he waited upon the wags at dinner, and caught a lowly muttered anathema +whenever he passed near Dick's chair. In short, master and man were +both glad when the cloth was drawn, and the party could be left to +themselves. + +Then, as a matter of course, Dick called on the gentlemen to charge +their glasses and fill high to a toast he had to propose--they would +anticipate to whom he referred--a gentleman who was going to change his +state of freedom for one of a happier bondage, &c., &c. Dick dashed off +his speech with several mirth-moving allusions to the change that was +coming over his friend Tom, and, having festooned his composition +with the proper quantity of "rosy wreaths," &c., &c., &c., naturally +belonging to such speeches, he wound up with some hearty words--free +from _badinage_, and meaning all they conveyed, and finished with the +rhyming benediction of a "long life and a good wife" to him. + +Tom having returned thanks in the same laughing style that Dick proposed +his health, and bade farewell to the lighter follies of bachelorship for +the more serious ones of wedlock, the road was now open for any one +who was vocally inclined. Dick asked one or two, who said they were not +within a bottle of their singing-point yet, but Tom Durfy was sure his +friend the colonel would favour them. + +"With pleasure," said the colonel; "and I'll sing something appropriate +to the blissful situation of philandering in which you have been +indulging of late, my friend. I wish I could give you any idea of the +song as I heard it warbled by the voice of an Indian princess, who +was attached to me once, and for whom I ran enormous risks--but no +matter--that's past and gone, but the soft tones of Zulima's voice will +ever haunt my heart! The song is a favourite where I heard it--on the +borders of Cashmere, and is supposed to be sung by a fond woman in the +valley of the nightingales--'tis so in the original, but as we have +no nightingales in Ireland, I have substituted the dove in the little +translation I have made, which, if you will allow me, I'll attempt." + +Loud cries of "Hear, hear!" and tapping of applauding hands on the table +followed, while the colonel gave a few preliminary hems; and after some +little pilot tones from his throat, to show the way, his voice ascended +in all the glory of song. + +THE DOVE-SONG + +I + + "_Coo! Coo! Coo! Coo!_ + Thus did I hear the turtle-dove, + _Coo! Coo! Coo!_ + Murmuring forth her love; + And as she flew from tree to tree, + How melting seemed the notes to me-- + _Coo! Coo! Coo!_ + So like the voice of lovers, + 'T was passing sweet to hear + The birds within the covers, + In the spring-time of the year. + +II + + "_Coo! Coo! Coo! Coo!_ + Thus the song's returned again-- + _Coo! Coo! Coo!_ + Through the shady glen; + But there I wandered lone and sad, + While every bird around was glad. + _Coo! Coo! Coo!_ + Thus so fondly murmured they, + _Coo! Coo! Coo!_ + While _my_ love was away. + And yet the song to lovers, + Though sad, is sweet to hear, + From birds within the covers, + In the spring-time of the year." + +The colonel's song, given with Tom Loftus' good voice, was received +with great applause, and the fellows all voted it catching, and began +"cooing" round the table like a parcel of pigeons. + +"A translation from an eastern poet, you say?" + +"Yes," said Tom. + +"'T is not very eastern in its character," said Moriarty. "I mean a +_free_ translation, of course," added the mock colonel. + +"Would you favour us with the song again, in the original?" added +Moriarty. + +Tom Loftus did not know one syllable of any other language than his own, +and it would not have been convenient to talk gibberish to Moriarty, who +had a smattering of some of the eastern tongues; so he declined giving +his Cashmerian song in its native purity, because, as he said, he never +could manage to speak their dialect, though he understood it reasonably +well. + +"But _there's_ a gentleman, I am sure, will sing some other song--and a +better one, I have no doubt," said Tom, with a very humble prostration +of his head on the table, and anxious by a fresh song to get out of the +dilemma in which Moriarty's question was near placing him. + +"Not a better, colonel," said the gentleman who was addressed, "but I +cannot refuse your call, and I will do my best; hand me the port wine, +pray; I always take a glass of port before I sing--I think 't is good +for the throat--what do you say, colonel?" + +"When I want to sing particularly well," said Tom, "I drink _canary_." + +The gentleman smiled at the whimsical answer, tossed off his glass of +port, and began. + +LADY MINE + + "Lady mine! lady mine! + Take the rosy wreath I twine, + All its sweets are less than thine, + Lady, lady mine! + The blush that on thy cheek is found + Bloometh fresh the _whole_ year round; + _Thy_ sweet _breath_ as sweet gives _sound_, + Lady, lady mine! + +II + + "Lady mine! lady mine! + How I love the graceful vine, + Whose tendrils mock thy ringlets' twine, + Lady, lady mine! + How I love that generous tree, + Whose ripe clusters promise me + Bumpers bright,--to pledge to _thee_, + Lady, lady mine! + +III + + "Lady mine! lady mine! + Like the stars that nightly shine, + Thy sweet eyes shed light divine, + Lady, lady mine! + And as sages wise, of old, + From the stars could fate unfold, + Thy bright eyes _my_ fortune told, + Lady, lady mine!" + +The song was just in the style to catch gentlemen after dinner--the +second verse particularly, and many a glass was emptied of a "bumper +bright," and pledged to the particular "_thee_," which each individual +had selected for his devotion. Edward, at that moment, certainly thought +of Fanny Dawson. + +Let teetotallers say what they please, there is a genial influence +inspired by wine and song--not in excess, but in that wholesome degree +which stirs the blood and warms the fancy; and as one raises the glass +to the lip, over which some sweet name is just breathed from the depth +of the heart, what libation so fit to pour to absent friends as wine? +What _is_ wine? It is the grape present in another form; its essence is +there, though the fruit which produced it grew thousands of miles away, +and perished years ago. So the object of many a tender thought may +be spiritually present, in defiance of space--and fond recollections +cherished in defiance of time. + +As the party became more convivial, the mirth began to assume a broader +form. Tom Durfy drew out Moriarty on the subject of his services, that +the mock colonel might throw every new achievement into the shade; +and this he did in the most barefaced manner, but mixing so much of +probability with his audacious fiction, that those who were not up to +the joke only supposed him to be _a very great romancer_; while those +friends who were in Loftus' confidence exhibited a most capacious +stomach for the marvellous, and backed up his lies with a ready +credence. If Moriarty told some fearful incident of a tiger hunt, the +colonel capped it with something more wonderful, of slaughtering lions +in a wholesale way, like rabbits. When Moriarty expatiated on the +intensity of tropical heat, the colonel would upset him with something +more appalling. + +"Now, sir," said Loftus, "let me ask you what is the greatest amount of +heat you have ever experienced--I say _experienced_, not _heard_ of--for +that goes for nothing. I always speak from experience." + +"Well, sir," said Moriarty, "I have known it to be so hot in India, that +I have had a hole dug in the ground under my tent, and sat in it, +and put a table standing over the hole, to try and guard me from the +intolerable fervour of the eastern sun, and even _then_ I was hot. What +do you say to that, colonel?" asked Moriarty, triumphantly. + +"Have you ever been in the West Indies?" inquired Loftus. + +"Never," said Moriarty, who, once entrapped into this admission, +was directly at the colonel's mercy,--and the colonel launched out +fearlessly. + +"Then, my good sir, you know nothing of heat. I have seen in the West +Indies an umbrella burned over a man's head." + +"Wonderful!" cried Loftus' backers. + +"'T is strange, sir," said Moriarty, "that we have never seen that +mentioned by any writer." + +"Easily accounted for, sir," said Loftus. "'T is so common a +circumstance, that it ceases to be worthy of observation. An author +writing of this country might as well remark that the apple-women are to +be seen sitting at the corners of the streets. That's nothing, sir; +but there are two things of which I have personal knowledge, _rather_ +remarkable. One day of intense heat (even for that climate) I was on +a visit at the plantation of a friend of mine, and it was so +out-o'-the-way scorching, that our lips were like cinders, and we +were obliged to have black slaves pouring sangaree down our throats by +gallons--I don't hesitate to say gallons--and we thought we could +not have survived through the day; but what could _we_ think of _our_ +sufferings, when we heard that several negroes, who had gone to sleep +under the shade of some cocoa-nut trees, had been scalded to death?" + +"Scalded?" said his friends; "burnt, you mean." + +"No, scalded; and _how_ do you think? The intensity of the heat had +cracked the cocoa-nuts, and the boiling milk inside dropped down and +produced the fatal result. The same day a remarkable accident occurred +at the battery; the French were hovering round the island at the time, +and the governor, being a timid man, ordered the guns to be always kept +loaded." + +"I never heard of such a thing in a battery in my life, sir," said +Moriarty. + +"Nor I either," said Loftus, "till then." + +"What was the governor's name, sir?" inquired Moriarty, pursuing his +train of doubt. + +"You must excuse me, captain, from naming him," said Loftus, with +readiness, "after _incautiously_ saying he was _timid_." + +"Hear, hear!" said all the friends. + +"But to pursue my story, sir:--the guns were loaded, and with the +intensity of the heat went off, one after another, and quite riddled one +of his Majesty's frigates that was lying in the harbour." + +"That's one of the most difficult riddles to comprehend I ever heard," +said Moriarty. + +"The frigate answered the riddle with her guns, sir, I promise you." + +"What!" exclaimed Moriarty, "fire on the fort of her own king?" + +"There is an honest principle exists among sailors, sir, to return fire +under all circumstances, wherever it comes from, friend or foe. Fire, of +which they know the value so well, they won't take from anybody." + +"And what was the consequence?" said Moriarty. + +"Sir, it was the most harmless broadside ever delivered from the ports +of a British frigate; not a single house or human being was injured--the +day was so hot that every sentinel had sunk on the ground in utter +exhaustion--the whole population were asleep; the only loss of +life which occurred was that of a blue macaw, which belonged to the +commandant's daughter." + +"Where was the macaw, may I beg to know?" said Moriarty, +cross-questioning the colonel in the spirit of a counsel for the defence +on a capital indictment. + +"In the drawing-room window, sir." + +"Then surely the ball must have done some damage in the house?" + +"Not the least, sir," said Loftus, sipping his wine. + +"Surely, colonel!" returned Moriarty, warming, "the ball could not have +killed the macaw without injuring the house?" + +"My dear sir," said Tom, "I did not say the _ball_ killed the macaw, I +said the macaw was killed; but _that_ was in consequence of a splinter +from an _epaulement_ of the south-east angle of the fort which the +shot struck and glanced off harmlessly--except for the casualty of the +macaw." + +Moriarty returned a kind of grunt, which implied that, though he could +not further _question_, he did not _believe_. Under such circumstances, +taking snuff is a great relief to a man; and, as it happened, Moriarty, +in taking snuff, could gratify his nose and his vanity at the same time, +for he sported a silver-gilt snuff-box which was presented to him in +some extraordinary way, and bore a grand inscription. + +On this "piece of plate" being produced, of course it went round the +table, and Moriarty could scarcely conceal the satisfaction he felt as +each person read the engraven testimonial of his worth. When it had gone +the circuit of the board, Tom Loftus put his hand into his pocket and +pulled out the butt-end of a rifle, which is always furnished with a +small box, cut out of the solid part of the wood and covered with a +plate of brass acting on a hinge. This box, intended to carry small +implements for the use of the rifleman, to keep his piece in order, was +filled with snuff, and Tom said, as he laid it down on the table, "This +is _my_ snuff-box, gentlemen; not as handsome as my gallant friend's at +the opposite side of the table, but extremely interesting to me. It was +previous to one of our dashing affairs in Spain that our riflemen were +thrown out in front and on the flanks. The rifles were supported by the +light companies of the regiments in advance, and it was in the latter +duty I was engaged. We had to feel our way through a wood, and had +cleared it of the enemy, when, as we debouched from the wood on the +opposite side, we were charged by an overwhelming force of Polish +lancers and cuirassiers. Retreat was impossible--resistance almost +hopeless. 'My lads,' said I, 'we must do something _novel_ here, or we +are lost--startle them by fresh practice--the bayonet will no longer +avail you--club your muskets, and hit the horses over the noses, and +they'll smell danger.' They took my advice; of course we first delivered +a withering volley, and then to it we went in flail-fashion, thrashing +away with the butt-ends of our muskets; and sure enough the French were +astonished and driven back in amazement. So tremendous, sir, was the +hitting on our side, that in many instances the butt-ends of the muskets +snapped off like tobacco-pipes, and the field was quite strewn with them +after the affair: I picked one of them up as a little memento of the +day, and have used it ever since as a snuff-box." + +Every one was amused by the outrageous romancing of the colonel but +Moriarty, who looked rather disgusted, because he could not edge in a +word of his own at all; he gave up the thing now in despair, for the +colonel had it all his own way, like the bull in a china-shop; the more +startling the bouncers he told, the more successful were his anecdotes, +and he kept pouring them out with the most astounding rapidity; and +though all voted him the greatest liar they ever met, none suspected he +was not a military man. + +Dick wanted Edward O'Connor, who sat beside him, to sing; but Edward +whispered, "For Heaven's sake don't stop the flow of the lava from that +mighty eruption of lies!--he's a perfect Vesuvius of mendacity. You'll +never meet his like again, so make the most of him while you have him. +Pray, sir," said Edward to the colonel, "have you ever been in any of +the cold climates? I am induced to ask you, from the very wonderful +anecdotes you have told of the hot ones." + +"Bless you, sir, I know every corner about the north pole." + +"In which of the expeditions, may I ask, were you engaged?" inquired +Moriarty. + +"In none of them, sir. We knocked up a _little amateur party_, I and a +few curious friends, and certainly we witnessed wonders. You talk here +of a sharp wind; but the wind is so sharp there that it cut off our +beard and whiskers. Boreas is a great barber, sir, with his north pole +for a sign. Then as for frost!--I could tell you such incredible things +of its intensity; our butter, for instance, was as hard as a rock; we +were obliged to knock it off with a chisel and hammer, like a mason at +a piece of granite, and it was necessary to be careful of your eyes at +breakfast, the splinters used to fly about so; indeed, one of the party +_did_ lose the use of his eye from a butter-splinter. But the oddest +thing of all was to watch two men talking to each other: you could +observe the words, as they came out of their mouths, suddenly frozen and +dropping down in little pellets of ice at their feet, so that, after a +long conversation, you might see a man standing up to his knees in his +own eloquence." + +They all roared with laughter at this last touch of the marvellous, but +Loftus preserved his gravity. + +"I don't wonder, gentlemen, at your not receiving that as truth--I told +you it was incredible--in short, that is the reason I have resisted +all temptations to publish. Murray, Longmans, Colburn, Bentley, ALL +the publishers have offered me unlimited terms, but I have always +refused--not that I am a rich man, which makes the temptation of the +thousands I might realise the harder to withstand; 't is not that the +gold is not precious to me, but there is something dearer to me +than gold--_it is my character for veracity!_ and therefore, as I am +convinced the public would not believe the wonders I have witnessed, +I confine the recital of my adventures to the social circle. But +what profession affords such scope for varied incident as that of the +soldier? Change of clime, danger, vicissitude, love, war, privation one +day, profusion the next, darkling dangers, and sparkling joys! Zounds! +there's nothing like the life of a soldier! and, by the powers! I'll +give you a song in its praise." + +The proposition was received with cheers, and Tom rattled away these +ringing rhymes-- + +THE BOWLD SOJER BOY + + "Oh there's not a trade that's going + Worth showing, + Or knowing, + Like that from glory growing, + For a bowld sojer boy; + Where right or left we go, + Sure you know, + Friend or foe + Will have the hand or toe + From a bowld sojer boy! + There's not a town we march thro', + But the ladies, looking arch thro' + The window-panes, will search thro' + The ranks to find their joy; + While up the street, + Each girl you meet, + Will look so sly, + Will cry + 'My eye! + Oh, isn't he a darling, the bowld sojer boy!' + +II + + "But when we get the route, + How they pout + And they shout + While to the right about + Goes the bowld sojer boy. + Oh, 'tis then that ladies fair + In despair + Tear their hair, + But 'the divil-a-one I care,' + Says the bowld sojer boy. + For the world is all before us, + Where the landladies adore us, + And ne'er refuse to score us, + But chalk us up with joy; + We taste her tap, + We tear her cap'-- + 'Oh, that's the chap + For me!' + Says she; + 'Oh, isn't he a darling, the bowld sojer boy.' + +III + + "'Then come along with me, + Gramachree, + And you'll see + How happy you will be + With your bowld sojer boy; + 'Faith! if you're up to fun, + With me run; + 'T will be done + In the snapping of a gun,' + Says the bowld sojer boy; + 'And 't is then that, without scandal, + Myself will proudly dandle + The little farthing candle + Of our mutual flame, my joy! + May his light shine + As bright as mine, + Till in the line + He'll blaze, + And raise + The glory of his corps, like a bowld sojer boy!'" + +Andy entered the room while the song was in progress, and handed a +letter to Dick, which, after the song was over, and he had asked pardon +of his guests, he opened. + +"By Jove! you sing right well, colonel," said one of the party. + +"I think the gallant colonel's songs nothing in comparison with his +_wonderful_ stories," said Moriarty. + +"Gentlemen," said Dick, "wonderful as the colonel's recitals have been, +this letter conveys a piece of information more surprising than anything +we have heard this day. That stupid fellow who spoiled our champagne has +come in for the inheritance of a large property." + +"What!--Handy Andy?" exclaimed those who knew his name. + +"Handy Andy," said Dick, "is now a man of fortune!" + + + + +CHAPTER XLVIII + + +It was a note from Squire Egan which conveyed the news to Dick that +caused so much surprise; the details of the case were not even hinted +at; the bare fact alone was mentioned, with a caution to preserve +it still a secret from Andy, and appointing an hour for dinner at +"Morrison's" next day, at which hotel the Squire expected to arrive from +the country, with his lady and Fanny Dawson, _en route_ for London. Till +dinner-time, then, the day following, Dick was obliged to lay by his +impatience as to the "why and wherefore" of Andy's sudden advancement; +but, as the morning was to be occupied with Tom Durfy's wedding, Dick +had enough to keep him engaged in the meantime. + +At the appointed hour a few of Tom's particular friends were in +attendance to witness the ceremony, or, to use their own phrase, "to see +him turned off," and among them was Tom Loftus. Dick was holding out his +hand to "the colonel," when Tom Durfy stepped between, and introduced +him under his real name. The masquerading trick of the night before was +laughed at, with an assurance from Dick that it only fulfilled all he +had ever heard of the Protean powers of a gentleman whom he so much +wished to know. A few minutes' conversation in the recess of a window +put Tom Loftus and Dick the Devil on perfectly good terms, and Loftus +proposed to Dick that they should execute the old-established trick on a +bridegroom, of snatching the first kiss from the bride. + +"You must get in Tom's way," said Loftus, "and I'll kiss her." + +"Why, the fact is," said Dick, "I had proposed that pleasure to myself; +and, if it's all the same to you, _you_ can jostle Tom, and _I'll_ do +the remainder in good style, I promise you." + +"That I can't agree to," said Loftus; "but as it appears we both have +set our heart on cheating the bridegroom, let us both start fair, and 't +is odd if between us Tom Durfy is not _done_" + +This was agreed upon, and many minutes did not elapse till the bride +made her appearance, and "hostilities were about to commence." The +mutual enemy of the "high contracting parties" first opened his book, +and then his mouth, and in such solemn tones, that it was enough to +frighten _even_ a widow, much less a bachelor. As the ceremony verged +to a conclusion, Tom Loftus and Dick the Devil edged up towards their +'vantage-ground on either side of the blooming widow, now nearly +finished into a wife, and stood like greyhounds in the slip, ready to +start after puss (only puss ought to be spelt here with a B). The widow, +having been married before, was less nervous than Durfy, and, suspecting +the intended game, determined to foil both the brigands, who intended to +rob the bridegroom of his right; so, when the last word of the ceremony +was spoken, and Loftus and Dick made a simultaneous dart upon her, she +very adroitly ducked, and allowed the two "ruggers and rievers" to rush +into each other's arms, and rub their noses together, while Tom Durfy +and his blooming bride sealed their contract very agreeably without +their noses getting in each other's way. + +Loftus and Dick had only a laugh at _their own_ expense, instead of +a kiss at _Tom's_, upon the failure of their plot; but Loftus, in a +whisper to Dick, vowed he would execute a trick upon the "pair of them" +before the day was over. + +There was a breakfast as usual, and chicken and tongue and wine, which, +taken in the morning, are provocative of eloquence; and, of course, the +proper quantity of healths and toasts were executed _selon la reglei,_ +it was time for the bride and bridegroom to bow and blush and curtsey +out of the room, and make themselves food for a paragraph in the morning +papers, under the title of the "happy pair," who set off in a handsome +chariot, &c., &c. + + * * * * * + +Tom Durfy had engaged a pretty cottage in the neighbourhood of Clontarf +to pass the honeymoon. Tom Loftus knew this, and knew, moreover, that +the sitting-room looked out on a small lawn which lay before the house, +screened by a hedge from the road, but with a circular sweep leading +up to the house, and a gate of ingress and egress at either end of the +hedge. In this sitting-room Tom, after lunch, was pressing his lady fair +to take a glass of champagne, when the entrance-gate was thrown open, +and a hackney jaunting-car with Tom Loftus and a friend or two upon +it, driven by a special ragamuffin blowing a tin horn, rolled up the +skimping avenue, and as it scoured past the windows of the sitting-room, +Tom Loftus and the other passengers kissed hands to the astonished bride +and bridegroom, and shouted, "Wish you joy!" + +The thing was so sudden that Durfy and the widow, not seeing Loftus, +could hardly comprehend what it meant, and both ran to the window; but +just as they reached it, up drove another car, freighted with two or +three more wild rascals who followed the lead which had been given them; +and as a long train of cars were seen in the distance all driving up +to the avenue, the widow, with a timid little scream, threw her +handkerchief over her face and ran into a corner. Tom did not know +whether to laugh or be angry, but, being a good-humoured fellow, he +satisfied himself with a few oaths against the incorrigible Loftus, and +when the _cortege_ had passed, endeavoured to restore the startled fair +one to her serenity. + + * * * * * + +Squire Egan and party arrived at the appointed hour at their hotel, +where Dick was waiting to receive them, and, of course, his inquiries +were immediately directed to the extraordinary circumstance of Andy's +elevation, the details of which he desired to know. These we shall not +give in the expanded form in which Dick heard them, but endeavour +to condense, as much as possible, within the limits to which we are +prescribed. + +The title of Scatterbrain had never been inherited directly from father +to son; it had descended in a zigzag fashion, most appropriate to +the name, nephews and cousins having come in for the coronet and the +property for some generations. The late lord had led a _roue_ bachelor +life up to the age of sixty, and then thought it not worth while to +marry, though many mammas and daughters spread their nets and arrayed +their charms to entrap the sexagenarian. + +The truth was, he had quaffed the cup of licentious pleasure all his +life, after which he thought matrimony would prove insipid. The mere +novelty induces some men, under similar circumstances, to try the holy +estate; but matrimony could not offer to Lord Scatterbrain the charms of +novelty, for _he had been_ once married, though no one but himself was +cognisant of the fact. + +The reader will certainly say, "Here's an Irish bull; how could a man be +married, without, at least, a woman and a priest being joint possessors +of the secret?" + +Listen, gentle reader, and you shall hear how none but Lord Scatterbrain +knew Lord Scatterbrain was married. + +There was nothing at which he ever stopped for the gratification of +his passions--no wealth he would not squander, no deceit he would +not practise, no disguise he would not assume. Therefore, gold, and +falsehood, and masquerading were extensively employed by this reckless +_roue_ in the service of Venus, in which service, combined with that of +Bacchus, his life was entirely passed. + +Often he assumed the guise of a man in humble life, to approximate some +object of his desire, whom fine clothes and bribery would have instantly +warned and in too many cases his artifices were successful. It was in +one of these adventures he cast his eyes upon the woman hitherto known +in this story under the name of the Widow Rooney; but all his practices +against her virtue were unavailing, and nothing but a marriage could +accomplish what he had set his fancy upon but even _this_ would not stop +him, _for he married her_. + +The Widow Rooney has appeared no very inviting personage through these +pages, and the reader may wonder that a man of rank could proceed to +such desperate lengths upon such slight temptation; but, gentle +reader, she was young and attractive when she was married--never to say +_handsome_, but good-looking decidedly, and with that sort of figure +which is comprehended in the phrase "a fine girl." + +And has that fine girl altered into the Widow Rooney? Ah! poverty and +hardship are sore trials to the body as well as to the mind. Too little +is it considered, while we gaze on aristocratic beauty, how much good +food, soft lying, warm wrapping, ease of mind, have to do with the +attractions which command our admiration. Many a hand moulded by +nature to give elegance of form to a kid glove, is "stinted of its fair +proportion" by grubbing toil. The foot which might have excited the +admiration of a ball-room, peeping under a flounce of lace in a satin +shoe, and treading the mazy dance, _will_ grow coarse and broad by +tramping in its native state over toilsome miles, bearing perchance to +a market town some few eggs, whose whole produce would not purchase the +sandal-tie of my lady's slipper; will grow red and rough by standing in +wet trenches, and feeling the winter's frost. The neck on which diamonds +might have worthily sparkled, will look less tempting when the biting +winter has hung icicles there for gems. Cheeks formed as fresh for +dimpling blushes, eyes as well to sparkle, and lips to smile, as those +which shed their brightness and their witchery in the tapestried saloon, +will grow pale with want, and forget their dimples, when smiles are +not there to wake them; lips become compressed and drawn with anxious +thought, and eyes the brightest are quenched of their fires by many +tears. + +Of all these trials poor Widow Rooney had enough. Her husband, after +living with her a month, in the character of a steward to some great man +in a distant part of the country, left her one day for the purpose +of transacting business at a fair, which, he said, would require his +absence for some time. At the end of a week, a letter was sent to her, +stating that the make-believe steward had robbed his master extensively, +and had fled to America, whence he promised to write to her, and send +her means to follow him, requesting, in the meantime, her silence, in +case any inquiry should be made about him. This villanous trick was +played off the more readily, from the fact that a steward had absconded +at the time, and the difference in the name the cruel profligate +accounted for by saying that, as he was hiding at the moment he married +her, he had assumed another name. + +The poor deserted girl, fully believing this trumped-up tale, obeyed +with unflinching fidelity the injunctions of her betrayer; and while +reports were flying abroad of the absconded steward, she never breathed +a word of, what had been confided to her, and accounted for the absence +of "Rooney" in various ways of her own; so that all trace of the +profligate was lost, by her remaining inactive in making the smallest +inquiry about him, and her very fidelity to her betrayer became the +means of her losing all power of procuring his discovery. For months she +trusted all was right; but when moon followed moon, and she gave birth +to a boy without hearing one word of his father, misgiving came upon +her, and the only consolation left her was, that, though she was +deserted, and a child left on her hands, still she was _an honest +woman_. That child was the hero of our tale. The neighbours passed some +ill-natured remarks about her, when it began to be suspected that her +husband would never let her know more about him; for she had been rather +a saucy lady, holding up her nose at poor men, and triumphing in her +catching of the "steward," a man well to do in the world; and it may be +remembered, that this same spirit existed in her when Andy's rumoured +marriage with Matty gave the prospect of her affairs being retrieved, +for she displayed her love of pre-eminence to the very first person who +gave her the good news. The ill-nature of her neighbours, however, after +the birth of her child and the desertion of her husband, inducing her +to leave the scene of her unmerited wrongs and annoyances, she suddenly +decamped, and, removing to another part of Ireland, the poor woman began +a life of hardship, to support herself and rear the offspring of her +unfortunate marriage. In this task she was worthily assisted by one of +her brothers, who pitied her condition, and joined her in her retreat. +He married in course of time, and his wife died in giving birth to +Oonah, who was soon deprived of her other parent by typhus fever, that +terrible scourge of the poor; so that the praiseworthy desire of the +brother to befriend his sister only involved her, as it happened, in the +deeper difficulty of supporting two children instead of one. This she +did heroically, and the orphan girl rewarded her, by proving a greater +comfort than her own child; for Andy had inherited in all its raciness +the blood of the Scatterbrains, and his deeds, as recorded in this +history, prove he was no unworthy representative of that illustrious +title. To return to his father--who had done the grievous wrong to the +poor peasant girl: he lived his life of profligacy through, and in +a foreign country died at last; but on his death-bed the scourge of +conscience rendered every helpless hour an age of woe. Bitterest of all +was the thought of the wife deceived, deserted, and unacknowledged. To +face his last account with such fearful crime upon his head he dared +not, and made all the reparation now in his power, by avowing his +marriage in his last will and testament, and giving all the information +in his power to trace his wife, if living, or his heir, if such existed. +He enjoined, by the most sacred injunctions upon him to whom the charge +was committed, that neither cost nor trouble should be spared in the +search, leaving a large sum in ready money besides, to establish the +right, in case his nephew disputed the will. By his own order, his death +was kept secret, and secretly his agent set to work to discover any +trace of the heir. This, in consequence of the woman changing her place +of abode, became more difficult and it was not until after very minute +inquiry that some trace was picked up, and a letter written to the +parish priest of the district to which she had removed, making certain +general inquiries. It was found, on comparing dates some time after, +that it was this very letter to Father Blake which Andy had purloined +from the post-office, and the Squire had thrown into the fire; so that +our hero was very near, by his blundering, destroying his own fortune. +Luckily for him, however, an untiring and intelligent agent was engaged +in his cause, and a subsequent inquiry, and finally a personal visit to +Father Blake, cleared the matter up satisfactorily, and the widow was +enabled to produce such proof of her identity, and that of her son, that +Handy Andy was indisputably Lord Scatterbrain; and the whole affair was +managed so secretly, that the death of the late lord, and the claim of +title and estates in the name of the rightful heir, were announced at +the same moment; and the "Honourable Sackville," instead of coming into +possession of the peerage and property, and fighting his adversary at +the great advantage of possession, could only commence a suit to drive +him out, if he sued at all. + +Our limits compel us to this brief sketch of the circumstances through +which Handy Andy was entitled to and became possessed of a property and +a title, and we must now say something of the effects produced by the +intelligence on the parties most concerned. + +The Honourable Sackville Scatterbrain, on the advice of high legal +authority, did not attempt to dispute a succession of which such +satisfactory proofs existed, and, fortunately for himself, had knocked +up a watering-place match, while he was yet in the bloom of +heirship _presumptive_ to a peerage, with the daughter of an English +_millionaire_. + +When the Widow Rooney heard the extraordinary turn affairs had taken, +her emotions, after the first few hours of pleasurable surprise, partook +of regret rather than satisfaction. She looked upon her past life of +suffering, and felt as if Fate had cheated her. She, a peeress, had +passed her life in poverty and suffering, with contempt from those over +whom she had superior rights; and the few years of the prosperous future +before her offered her poor compensation for the pinching past. But +after such selfish considerations, the maternal feeling came to her +relief, and she rejoiced that _her son_ was a lord. But then came the +terrible thought of his marriage to dash her joy and triumph. + +This was a source of grief to Oonah as well. "If he wasn't married," she +would say to herself, "I might be _Lady_ Scatterbrain;" and the tears +would burst through poor Oonah's fingers as she held them up to her eyes +and sobbed heavily, till the poor girl would try to gather consolation +from the thought that, maybe, Andy's altered circumstances would make +_her_ disregarded. "There would be plenty to have him now," thought she, +"and he wouldn't think of me, maybe--so 't is well as it is." + +When Andy heard that he was a lord--a real lord--and, after the first +shock of astonishment, could comprehend that wealth and power were in +his possession, he, though the most interested person, never thought, +as the two women had done, of the desperate strait in which his marriage +placed him, but broke out into short peals of laughter, and exclaimed +in the intervals, "that it was mighty quare;" and when, after much +questioning, any intelligible desire he had could be understood, the +first one he clearly expressed was _"to have a goold watch."_ + +He was made, however, to understand that other things than +"goold watches" were of more importance; and the Squire, with his +characteristic good nature, endeavoured to open Andy's comprehension +to the nature of his altered situation. This, it may be supposed, was +rather a complicated piece of work, and too difficult to be set down +in black and white; the most intelligible portions to Andy were his +immediate removal from servitude, and a ready-made suit of gentlemanly +apparel, which made Andy pay several visits to the looking-glass. +Good-natured as the Squire was, it would have been equally awkward to +him as to Andy for the newly fledged lord, though a lord, to have a seat +at his table, neither could he remain in an inferior position in his +house; so Dick, who loved fun, volunteered to take Andy under his +especial care to London, and let him share his lodgings, as a bachelor +may do many things which a man surrounded by his family cannot. Besides, +in a place distant from such extraordinary chances and changes as those +which befell our hero, the sudden and startling difference of position +of the parties not being known renders it possible for a gentleman to +do the good-natured thing which Dick undertook, without compromising +himself. In Dublin it would not have done for Dick Dawson to allow the +man who would have held his horse the day before, to share the same +board with him merely because Fortune had played one of her frolics and +made Andy a lord; but in London the case was different. + +To London therefore they proceeded. The incidents of the journey, +sea-sickness included, which so astonished the new traveller, we pass +over, as well as the numberless mistakes in the great metropolis, which +afforded Dick plentiful amusement, though, in truth, Dick had better +objects in view than laughing at Andy's embarrassments in his new +position. He really wished to help him in the difficult path into which +the new lord had been thrust, and did this in a merry sort of way more +successfully than by serious drilling. It was hard to break Andy of +the habit of saying "Misther Dick," when addressing him, but, at last, +"Misther Dawson" was established. Eating with his knife, drinking as +loudly as a horse, and other like accomplishments, were not so easily +got under, yet it was wonderful how much he improved, as his shyness +grew less, and his consciousness of being a lord grew stronger. + +But, if the good nature of Dick had not prompted him to take Andy into +training, the newly discovered nobleman would not have long been in +want of society. It was wonderful how many persons were eager to show +civility to his lordship, and some amongst them even went so far as to +discover relationship. Plenty were soon ready to take Lord Scatterbrain +here, and escort him there, accompany him to exhibitions and +other public places, and charmed all the time with his lordship's +remarks--"they were so original"--"quite delightful to meet something +so fresh"--"how remarkably clever the Irish were!" Such were among the +observations his ignorant blunders produced; and he who, as Handy Andy, +had been anathematised all his life as a "stupid rascal," "a +blundering thief," "a thick-headed brute," &c., under the title of +Lord Scatterbrain all of a sudden was voted "vastly amusing--a little +eccentric, perhaps, but _so_ droll--in fact, so witty!" This was all +very delightful for Andy--so delightful that he quite forgot Bridget +_rhua_. But that lady did not leave him long in his happy obliviousness. +One day, while Dick was absent, and Andy rocking on a chair before +the fire, twirling the massive gold chain of his gold watch round his +forefinger, and uncoiling it again, his repose was suddenly disturbed +by the appearance of Bridget herself, accompanied by _Shan More_ and a +shrimp of a man in rusty black, who turned out to be a shabby attorney +who advanced money to convey his lady client and her brother to London, +for the purpose of making a dash at the lord at once, and securing a +handsome sum by a _coup de main_. + +Andy, though taken by surprise, was resolute. Bitter words were +exchanged; and as they seemed likely to lead to blows, Andy prudently +laid hold of the poker, and, in language not quite suited to a noble +lord, swore he would see what the inside of _Shan More's_ head was made +of, if he attempted to advance upon him. Bridget screamed and +scolded, while the attorney endeavoured to keep the peace, and, beyond +everything, urged Lord Scatterbrain to enter at once into written +engagements for a handsome settlement upon his "lady." + +"Lady!" exclaimed Andy; "oh!--a pretty _lady_ she is!" + +"I'm as good a lady as you are a lord, anyhow," cried Bridget. + +"Altercation will do no good, my lord and my lady," said the attorney; +"let me suggest the propriety of your writing an engagement at once;" +and the little man pushed pen, ink, and paper towards Andy. + +"I can't, I tell you!" cried Andy. + +"You must!" roared _Shan More_. + +"Bad luck to you, how can I when I never larned?" + +"Your lordship can make your mark," said the attorney. + +"'Faith I can--with a poker," cried Andy; "and you'd better take care, +master parchment. Make my mark, indeed!--do you think I'd disgrace +the House o' Peers by lettin' on that a lord couldn't write?--Quit the +buildin', I tell you!" + +In the midst of the row, which now rose to a tremendous pitch, Dick +returned; and after a severe reprimand to the pettifogger for his +sinister attempt on Andy, referred him to Lord Scatterbrain's solicitor. +It was not such an easy matter to silence Bridget, who extended her +claws towards her lord and master in a very menacing manner, calling +down bitter imprecations on her own head if she wouldn't have her +rights. + +Every now and then between the bursts of the storm Andy would exclaim, +"Get out!" + +"My lord," said Dick, "remember your dignity." + +"Av coorse!" said Andy; "but still she must get out!" + +The house was at last cleared of the uproarious party; but though +Andy got rid of their presence, they left their sting behind. Lord +Scatterbrain felt, for the first time, that a lord can be very unhappy. + +Dick hurried him away at once to the chambers of the law agent, but he, +being closeted on some very important business with another client on +their arrival, returned an answer to their application for a conference, +which they forwarded through the double doors of this sanctum by a +hard-looking man with a pen behind his ear, that he could not have the +pleasure of seeing them till the next morning. Lord Scatterbrain passed +a more unhappy night than he had ever done in his life--even than that +when he was tied up to the old tree--croaked at by ravens, and the +despised of rats. + +Negotiations were opened the next day between the pettifogger on +Bridget's side and the law agent of the noble lord, and the arguments, +_pro and con.,_ lay thus: + +In the first place, the opening declaration was--Lord Scatterbrain never +would live with the aforesaid Bridget. + +Answered--that nevertheless, as she was his lawful wife, a provision +suitable to her rank must be made. + +They (the claimants) were asked to name a sum. + +The sum was considered exorbitant; it being argued that when her +husband had determined never to live with her, he was in a far +different condition, therefore it was unfair to seek so large a separate +maintenance now. + +The pettifogger threatened that Lady Scatterbrain would run in debt, +which Lord Scatterbrain must discharge. My Lord's agent suggested +that my Lady would be advertised in the public papers, and the public +cautioned against giving her credit. + +A sum could not be agreed upon, though a fair one was offered on Andy's +part; for the greediness of the pettifogger, who was to have a share of +the plunder, made him hold out for more, and negotiations were broken +off for some days. + +Poor Andy was in a wretched state of vexation. It was bad enough that +he was married to this abominable woman, without an additional plague of +being persecuted by her. To such an amount this rose at last, that she +and her big brother dodged him every time he left the house, so that +in self-defence he was obliged to become a close prisoner in his own +lodgings. All this at last became so intolerable to the captive, that +he urged a speedy settlement of the vexatious question, and a larger +separate maintenance was granted to the detestable woman than would +otherwise have been ceded, the only stipulation of a stringent nature +made being, that Lord Scatterbrain should be free from the persecutions +of his hateful wife for the future. + + + + +CHAPTER XLIX + + +Squire Egan, with his lady and Fanny Dawson, had now arrived in London; +Murtough Murphy, too, had joined them, his services being requisite in +working the petition against the return of the sitting member for the +county. This had so much promise of success about it, that the opposite +party, who had the sheriff for the county in their interest, bethought +of a novel expedient to frustrate the petition when a reference to the +poll was required. + +They declared the principal poll-book was lost. + +This seemed not very satisfactory to one side of the committee, and the +question was asked, "how could it be lost?" The answer was one which +Irish contrivance alone could have invented: _"It fell into a pot of +broth, and the dog ate it."_ [Footnote: If not this identical answer, +something like it was given on a disputed Irish election, before a +Committee of the House of Commons.] + +This protracted the contest for some time; but eventually, in spite of +the dog's devouring knowledge so greedily, the Squire was declared duly +elected and took the oaths and his seat for the county. + +It was hard on Sackville Scatterbrain to lose his seat in the house and +a peerage, nearly at once; but the latter loss threw the former so far +into the shade, that he scarcely felt it. Besides, he could +console himself with having buttered his crumbs pretty well in the +marriage-market; and, with a rich wife, retired from senatorial drudgery +to private repose, which was much more congenial to his easy temper. + +But while the Squire's happy family circle was rejoicing in his +triumph--while he was invited to the Speaker's dinners, and the ladies +were looking forward to tickets for "the lantern," their pleasure was +suddenly dashed by fatal news from Ireland. + +A serious accident had befallen Major Dawson--so serious, that his life +was despaired of; and an immediate return to Ireland by all who were +interested in his life was the consequence. + +Though the suddenness of this painful event shocked his family, the +act which caused it did not surprise them; for it was one against which +Major Dawson had been repeatedly cautioned, involving a danger he had +been affectionately requested not to tempt; but the habitual obstinacy +of his nature prevailed, and he persisted in doing that which his +son--and his daughters--and friends--prophesied _would_ kill him some +time or other, and _did_, at last. The Major had three little iron guns, +mounted on carriages, on a terrace in front of his house; and it was his +wont to fire a salute on certain festival days from these guns, which, +from age and exposure to the weather, became dangerous to use. It was in +vain that this danger was represented to him. He would reply, with his +accustomed "Pooh, pooh! I have been firing these guns for forty years, +and they won't do me any harm now." + +This was the prime fault of the Major's character. Time and +circumstances were never taken into account by him; what was done once, +might be done _always_--_ought_ to be done always. The bare thought of +change of any sort, to him, was unbearable; and whether it was a rotten +old law or a rotten old gun, he would charge both up to the muzzle and +fire away, regardless of consequences. The result was, that on a certain +festival his _favourite_ gun burst in discharging; and the last mortal +act of which the Major was conscious, was that of putting the port-fire +to the touchhole, for a heavy splinter of iron struck him on the head, +and though he lived for some days afterwards, he was insensible. Before +his children arrived he was no more; and the only duty left them to +perform was the melancholy one of ordering his funeral. + +The obsequies of the old Major were honoured by a large and +distinguished attendance from all parts of the country; and amongst +those who bore the pall was Edward O'Connor, who had the melancholy +gratification of testifying his respect beside the grave of Fanny's +father, though the severe old man had banished him from his presence +during his lifetime. + +But now all obstacle to the union of Edward and Fanny was removed; and +after the lapse of a few days had softened the bitter grief which this +sudden bereavement of her father had produced, Edward received a note +from Dick, inviting him to the manor-house, where _all_ would be glad to +see him. + +In a few minutes after the receipt of that note Edward was in his +saddle, and swiftly leaving the miles behind him till, from the top of +a rising ground, the roof of the manor-house appeared above the trees +in which it was embosomed. He had not till then slackened his speed; but +now drawing rein, he proceeded at a slower pace towards the house he had +not entered for some years, and the sight of which awakened such varied +emotions. + +To return after long years of painful absence to some place which has +been the scene of our former joys, and whence the force of circumstance, +and not choice, has driven us, is oppressive to the heart. There is a +mixed sense of regret and rejoicing, which struggle for predominance; +we rejoice that our term of exile has expired, but we regret the years +which that exile has deducted from the brief amount of human life, never +to be recalled, and therefore as so much _lost_ to us. We think of the +wrong or the caprice of which we have been the victims, and thoughts +will stray across the most confiding heart, if friends shall meet as +fondly as they parted; or if time, while impressing deeper marks upon +the _outward_ form, may have obliterated some impressions _within_. Who +has returned after years of absence, however assured of the unflinching +fidelity of the love he left behind, without saying to himself, in the +pardonable yearning of affection, "Shall I meet smiles as bright as +those that used to welcome me? Shall I be pressed as fondly within the +arms whose encompassment were to me the pale of all earthly enjoyment?" + +Such thoughts crowded on Edward as he approached the house. There was +not a lane, or tree, or hedge, by the way, that had not for him +its association. He reached the avenue gate; as he flung it open he +remembered the last time he passed it; Fanny had then leaned on his +arm. He felt himself so much excited, that, instead of riding up to the +house, he took the private path to the stables, and throwing down the +reins to a boy, he turned into a shrubbery and endeavoured to recover +his self-command before he should present himself. As he emerged from +the sheltered path and turned into a walk which led to the garden, a +small conservatory was opened to his view, awaking fresh sensations. +It was in that very place he had first ventured to declare his love to +Fanny. There she heard and frowned not; there, where nature's choicest +sweets were exhaling, he had first pressed her to his heart, and thought +the balmy sweetness of her lips beyond them all. He hurried forward in +the enthusiasm the recollection recalled, to enter that spot consecrated +in his memory; but on arriving at the door, he suddenly stopped, for he +saw Fanny within. She was plucking a geranium--the flower she had been +plucking some years before, when Edward said he loved her. She, all that +morning, had been under the influence of feelings similar to Edward's; +had felt the same yearnings--the same tender doubts--the same fond +solicitude that he should be the same Edward from whom she parted. +But she thought of _more_ than this; with the exquisitely delicate +contrivance belonging to woman's nature, she wished to give him a signal +of her fond recollection, and was plucking the flower she gathered +when he declared his love, to place on her bosom when they should meet. +Edward felt the meaning of her action, as the graceful hand broke the +flower from its stem. He would have rushed towards her at once, but that +the deep mourning in which she was arrayed seemed to command a gentler +approach; for grief commands respect. He advanced softly--she heard a +gentle step behind her--turned--uttered a faint exclamation of joy, and +sank into his arms! In a few moments she recovered her consciousness, +and opening her sweet eyes upon him, breathed softly, "dear +Edward!"--and the lips which, in two words, had expressed so much, +were impressed with a fervent kiss in the blessed consciousness of +possession, on that very spot where the first timid and doubting word of +love had been spoken. + +In that moment he was rewarded for all his years of absence and anxiety. +His heart was satisfied; he felt he was dear as ever to the woman he +idolised, and the short and hurried beating of _both_ their hearts told +more than words could express. Words!--what were words to them?--thought +was too swift for their use, and feeling too strong for their utterance; +but they drank from each other's eyes large draughts of delight, and, +in the silent pressure of each other's welcoming embrace, felt how truly +they loved each other. + +He led her gently from the conservatory, and they exchanged words of +affection "soft and low," as they sauntered through the wooded path +which surrounded the house. That live-long day they wandered up and down +together, repeating again and again the anxious yearnings which occupied +their years of separation, yet asking each other was not all more than +repaid by the gladness of the present-- + +"Yet _how_ painful has been the past!" exclaimed Edward. + +"But _now!_" said Fanny, with a gentle pressure of her tiny hand on +Edward's arm, and looking up to him with her bright eyes--"but _now!_" + +"True, darling!" he cried; "'tis ungrateful to think of the past while +enjoying such a present and with such a future before me. Bless that +cheerful heart, and those hope-inspiring glances! Oh, Fanny! in the +wilderness of life there are springs and palm-trees--you are both to +me! and heaven has set its own mark upon you in those laughing blue eyes +which might set despair at defiance." + +"Poetical as ever, Edward!" said Fanny, laughing. + +"Sit down, dearest, for a moment, on this old tree, beside me; 'tis not +the first time I have strung rhymes in your presence and your praise." +He took a small note-book from his pocket, and Fanny looked on smilingly +as Edward's pencil rapidly ran over the leaf and traced the lover's +tribute to his mistress. + +THE SUNSHINE IN YOU + +I + + "It is sweet when we look round the wide world's waste + To know that the desert bestows + The palms where the weary heart may rest, + The spring that in purity flows. + And where have I found + In this wilderness round + That spring and that shelter so true; + Unfailing in need, + And my own, indeed?-- + Oh! dearest, I've found it in you! + +II + + "And, oh when the cloud of some darkening hour + O'ershadows the soul with its gloom, + Then where is the light of the vestal pow'r, + The lamp of pale Hope to illume? + Oh! the light ever lies + In those bright fond eyes, + Where Heaven has impressed its own blue + As a seal from the skies + As my heart relies + On that gift of its sunshine in you!" + +Fanny liked the lines, of course. "Dearest," she said, "may I always +prove sunshine to you! Is it not a strange coincidence that these lines +exactly fit a little air which occurred to me some time ago?" + +"'Tis odd," said Edward; "sing it to me, darling." + +Fanny took the verses from his hand, and sung them to her own measure. +Oh, happy triumph of the poet!--to hear his verses wedded to sweet +sounds, and warbled by the woman he loves! Edward caught up the strain, +adding his voice to hers in harmony, and thus they sauntered homewards, +trolling their ready-made duet together. There were not two happier +hearts in the world that day than those of Fanny Dawson and Edward +O'Connor. + + + + +CHAPTER L + + +Respect for the memory of Major Dawson of course prevented the immediate +marriage of Edward and Fanny; but the winter months passed cheerfully +away in looking forward to the following autumn which should witness +the completion of their happiness. Though Edward was thus tempted by +the society of the one he loved best in the world, it did not make him +neglect the duties he had undertaken in behalf of Gustavus. Not only did +he prosecute his reading with him regularly, but he took no small pains +in looking after the involved affairs of the family, and strove to make +satisfactory arrangements with those whose claims were gnawing away the +estate to nothing. Though the years of Gusty's minority were but few, +still they would give the estate some breathing-time; and creditors, +seeing the minor backed by a man of character, and convinced a sincere +desire existed to relieve the estate of its encumbrances and pay all +just claims, presented a less threatening front than hitherto, and +listened readily to such terms of accommodation as were proposed +to them. Uncle Robert (for the breaking of whose neck Ratty's pious +aspirations had been raised) behaved very well on the occasion. A loan +from him, and a partial sale of some of the acres, stopped the mouths +of the greedy wolves who fatten on men's ruin, and time and economy were +looked forward to for the discharge of all other debts. Uncle Robert, +having so far acted the friend, was considered entitled to have a +partial voice in the ordering of things at the Hall; and having a notion +that an English accent was genteel, he desired that Gusty and Ratty +should pass a year under the roof of a clergyman in England, who +received a limited number of young gentlemen for the completion of +their education. Gustavus would much rather have remained near Edward +O'Connor, who had already done so much for him; but Edward, though +he regretted parting with Gustavus, recommended him to accede to +his uncle's wishes, though he did not see the necessity of an Irish +gentleman being ashamed of his accent. + +The visit to England, however, was postponed till the spring, and the +winter months were used by Gustavus in availing himself as much as he +could of Edward's assistance in putting him through his classics, +his pride prompting him to present himself creditably to the English +clergyman. + +It was in vain to plead _such_ pride to Ratty, who paid more attention +to shooting than his lessons. His mother strove to persuade--Ratty +was deaf. His "gran" strove to bribe--Ratty was incorruptible. Gusty +argued--Ratty answered after his own fashion. + +"Why won't you learn even a little?" + +"I'm to go to that 'English fellow' in spring, and I shall have no fun +then, so I'm making good use of my time now." + +"Do you call it 'good use' to be so dreadfully idle and shamefully +ignorant?" + +"Bother!--the less I know, the more the English fellow will have to +teach me, and Uncle Bob will have more worth for his money;" and then +Ratty would whistle a jig, fling a fowling-piece over his shoulder, +and shout "Ponto! Ponto! Ponto!" as he traversed the stable-yard; the +delighted pointer would come bounding at the call, and, after circling +round his young master with agile grace and yelps of glee at the sight +of the gun, dash forward to the well-known "bottoms" in eager expectancy +of ducks and snipe. How fared it all this time with the lord of +Scatterbrain? He became established, for the present, in a house that +had been a long time to let in the neighbourhood, and his mother was +placed at the head of it, and Oonah still remained under his protection, +though the daily sight of the girl added to Andy's grief at the +desperate plight in which his ill-starred marriage placed him, to say +nothing of the constant annoyance of his mother's growling at him for +his making "such a Judy of himself;" for the dowager Lady Scatterbrain +could not get rid of her vocabulary at once. Andy's only resource under +these circumstances was to mount his horse and fly. + +As for the dowager Lady Scatterbrain, she had a carriage with "a +picture" on it, as she called the coat of arms, and was fond of driving +past the houses of people who had been uncivil to her. Against Mrs. +Casey (the renowned Matty Dwyer) she entertained an especial spite, in +consideration of her treatment of her beautiful boy and her own pair +of black eyes; so she determined to "pay her off" in her own way, and +stopping one day at the hole in the hedge which served for entrance to +the estate of the "three-cornered field," she sent the footman in to say +the _dowjer_ Lady Scatter_breen_ wanted to speak with "Casey's wife." + +When the servant, according to instructions, delivered this message, he +was sent back with the answer, "that if any lady wanted to see Casey's +wife, 'Casey's wife,' was at home." + +"Oh, go back, and tell the poor woman I don't want to bring her to the +door of my carriage, if it's inconvaynient. I only wished to give her +a little help; and tell her if she sends up eggs to the big house, Lady +Scatterbreen will pay her for them." + +When the servant delivered this message, Matty grew outrageous at the +means "my lady" took of crowing over her, and rushing to the door, with +her face flushed with rage, roared out, "Tell the old baggage I want +none of her custom; let her lay eggs for herself." + +The servant staggered back in amaze; and Matty, feeling he would not +deliver her message, ran to the hole in the hedge and repeated her +answer to my lady herself, with a great deal more which need not be +recorded. Suffice it to say, my lady thought it necessary to pull up the +glass, against which Matty threw a handful of mud; the servant jumped up +on his perch behind the carriage, which was rapidly driven away by the +coachman, but not so fast that Matty could not, by dint of running, keep +it "within range" for some seconds, during which time she contrived to +pelt both coachman and footman with mud, and leave her mark on their +new livery. This was a salutary warning to the old woman, who was more +cautious in her demonstrations of grandeur for the future. If she was +stinted in the enjoyment of her new-born dignity abroad, she could +indulge it at home without let or hindrance, and to this end asked Andy +to let her have a hundred pounds, in one-pound notes, for a particular +purpose. What this purpose was no one was told or could guess, but for +a good while after she used to be closeted by herself for several hours +during the day. + +Andy had his hours of retirement also, for with praiseworthy industry he +strove hard, poor fellow, to lift himself above the state of ignorance, +and had daily attendance from the parish schoolmaster. The mysteries of +"pothooks and hangers" and ABC weighed heavily on the nobleman's mind, +which must have sunk under the burden of scholarship and penmanship, +but for the other "ship"--the horsemanship--which was Andy's daily +self-established reward for his perseverance in his lessons. Besides he +really _could_ ride; and as it was the only accomplishment of which he +was master, it was no wonder he enjoyed the display of it; and, to say +the truth, he did, and that on a first-rate horse too. Having appointed +Murtough Murphy his law-agent, he often rode over to the town to talk +with him, and as Murtough could have some fun and thirteen and fourpence +also per visit, he was always glad to see his "noble friend." The high +road did not suit Andy's notion of things; he preferred the variety, +shortness, and diversion of going across the country on these occasions; +and in one of these excursions, in the most secluded portion of his +ride, which unavoidably lay through some quarries and deep broken +ground, he met "Ragged Nance," who held up her finger as he approached +the gorge of this lonely dell, in token that she would speak with him. +Andy pulled up. + +"Long life to you, my lord," said Nance, dropping a deep curtsey, "and +sure I always liked you since the night you was so bowld for the sake +of the poor girl--the young lady, I mane, now, God bless her--and I just +wish to tell you, my lord, that I think you might as well not be going +these lonely ways, for I see _them_ hanging about here betimes, that +maybe it would not be good for your health to meet; and sure, my lord, +it would be a hard case if you were killed now, havin' the luck of the +sick calf that lived all the winther and died in the summer." + +"Is it that big blackguard, _Shan More_, you mane?" said Andy. + +"No less," said Nance--growing deadly pale as she cast a piercing +glance into the dell, and cried, in a low, hurried tone--"Talk of the +divil--and there he is--I see him peep out from behind a rock." + +"He's running this way," said Andy. + +"Then you run the other way," said Nance; "look there--I see him strive +to hide a blunderbuss under his coat--gallop off, for the love o' God! +or there'll be murther." + +"Maybe there will be that same," said Andy, "if I leave you here, and +he suspects you gave me the hard word." [Footnote: "Hard word" implies a +caution.] + +"Never mind me," said Nance, "save yourself--see, he's moving fast, +he'll be near enough to you soon to fire." + +"Get up behind me," said Andy; "I won't leave you here." + +"Run, I tell you." + +"I won't." + +"God bless you, then," said the woman, as Andy held out his hand and +gripped hers firmly. + +"Put your foot on mine," said Andy. + +The woman obeyed, and was soon seated behind our hero, gripping him fast +by the waist, while he pushed his horse to a fast canter. + +"Hold hard now," said Andy, "for there's a stiff jump here." As he +approached the ditch of which he spoke, two men sprang up from it, and +one fired, as Andy cleared the leap in good style, Nance holding on +gallantly. The horse was not many strokes on the opposite side, when +another shot was fired in their rear, followed by a scream from +the woman. To Andy's inquiry, if she was "kilt," she replied in the +negative, but said "they hurt her sore," and she was "bleeding a power;" +but that she could still hold on, however, and urged him to speed. The +clearance of one or two more leaps gave her grievous pain; but a large +common soon opened before them, which was skirted by a road leading +directly to a farm-house, where Andy left the wounded woman, and then +galloped off for medical aid; this soon arrived, and the wound was found +not to be dangerous, though painful. The bullet had struck and pierced +a tin vessel of a bottle form, in which Nance carried the liquid +gratuities of the charitable, and this not only deadened the force of +the ball, but glanced it also; and the escapement of the butter-milk, +which the vessel contained, Nance had mistaken for the effusion of her +own blood. It was a clear case, however, that if Nance had not been +sitting behind Andy, Lord Scatterbrain would have been a dead man, so +that his gratitude and gallantry towards the poor beggar woman proved +the means of preserving his own life. + + + + +CHAPTER LI + + +The news of the attack on Lord Scatterbrain ran over the country like +wildfire, and his conduct throughout the affair raised his character +wonderfully in the opinion of all classes. Many who had hitherto held +aloof from the mushroom lord, came forward to recognise the manly +fellow, and cards were left at "the big house," which were never seen +there before. The magistrates were active in the affair, and a reward +was immediately offered for the apprehension of the offenders; but +before any active steps could be taken by the authorities, Andy, +immediately after the attack, collected a few stout fellows himself, and +knowing where the den of Shan and his miscreants lay, he set off at the +head of his party to try if he could not secure them himself; but before +he did this, he despatched a vehicle to the farmhouse, where poor Nance +lay wounded, with orders that she should be removed to his own house, +the doctor having said that the transit would not be injurious. + +A short time served to bring Andy and his followers to the private +still, where a little looking about enabled them to discover the +entrance, which was covered by some large stones, and a bunch of furze +placed as a mask to the opening. It was clear that it was impossible for +any persons inside to have thus covered the entrance, and it suggested +the possibility that some of its usual inmates were then absent. +Nevertheless, having such desperate characters to deal with, it was a +service of danger to be leader in the descent to the cavern when the +opening was cleared; but Andy was the first to enter, which he did +boldly, only desiring his attendants to follow him quickly, and give him +support in case of resistance. A lantern had been provided, Andy knowing +the darkness of the den; and the party was thereby enabled to explore +with celerity and certainty the hidden haunt of the desperadoes. The +ashes of the fire were yet warm, but no one was to be seen, till Andy, +drawing the screen of the bed, discovered a man lying in a seemingly +helpless state, breathing with difficulty, and the straw about him +dabbled with blood. On attempting to lift him, the wretch groaned +heavily and muttered, "D--n you, let me alone--you've done for me--I'm +dying." + +The man was gently carried from the cave to the open air, which seemed +slightly to revive him. His eyes opened heavily, but closed again; yet +still he breathed. His wounds were staunched as well as the limited +means and knowledge of the parties present allowed; and the ladder, +drawn up from the cave and overlaid with tufts of heather, served to +bear the sufferer to the nearest house, whence Andy ordered a mounted +messenger to hurry for a doctor. The man seemed to hear what was going +forward, for he faintly muttered, "the priest--the priest." + +Andy, anxious to procure this most essential comfort to the dying man, +went himself in search of Father Blake, whom he found at home, and who +suggested that a magistrate might be also useful upon the occasion; and +as Merryvale lay not much out of the way, Andy made a detour to obtain +the presence of Squire Egan, while Father Blake pushed directly onward +upon his ghostly mission. + +Andy and the Squire arrived soon after the priest had administered +spiritual comfort to the sufferer, who still retained sufficient +strength to make his depositions before the Squire, the purport of which +turned out to be of the utmost importance to Andy. + +This man, it appeared, _was the husband of Bridget_, who had returned +from transportation, and sought his wife and her dear brother, and his +former lawless associates, on reaching Ireland. On finding Bridget +had married again, his anger at her infidelity was endeavoured to be +appeased by the representations made to him that it was a "good job," +inasmuch as "the lord" had been screwed out of a good sum of money by +way of separate maintenance, and that he would share the advantage of +that. When matters were more explained, however, and the convict found +this money was divided among so many, who all claimed right of share +in the plunder, his discontent returned. In the first place, the +pettifogger made a large haul for his services. Shan More swore it was +hard if a woman's own brother was not to be the better for her luck; and +Larry Hogan claimed hush-money, for he could prove Bridget's marriage, +and so upset their scheme of plunder. The convict maintained his claim +as husband was stronger than any; but this, all the others declared, was +an outlandish notion he brought back with him from foreign parts, and +did not prevail in their code of laws by any manner o' means, and even +went so far as to say they thought it hard, after they had "done the +job," that he was to come in and lessen their profit, which he would, as +they were willing to give an even share of the spoil; and after that, +he must be the most discontented villain in the world if he was not +pleased. + +The convict feigned contentment, but meditated at once revenge against +his wife and the gang, and separate profit for himself. He thought he +might stipulate for a good round sum from Lord Scatterbrain, as he could +prove him free of his supposed matrimonial engagement, and inwardly +resolved he would soon pay a visit to his lordship. But his intentions +were suspected by the gang, and a strict watch kept upon him; and though +his dissimulation and contrivance were of no inferior order, Larry Hogan +was his overmatch, and the convict was detected in having been so near +Lord Scatterbrain's dwelling, that they feared their secret, if not +already revealed, was no longer to be trusted to their new confederate's +keeping; and it was deemed advisable to knock him on the head, and shoot +my lord, which they thought would prevent all chance of the invalidity +of the marriage being discovered, and secure the future payment of the +maintenance. + +How promptly the murderous determination was acted upon, the preceding +events prove. Andy's courage in the first part of the affair saved his +life; his promptness in afterwards seeking to secure the offenders +led to the important discovery he had just made; and as the convict's +depositions could be satisfactorily backed by proofs which he showed the +means of obtaining, Andy was congratulated heartily by the Squire and +Father Blake, and rode home in almost delirious delight at the prospect +of making Oonah his wife. On reaching the stables, he threw himself from +his saddle, let the horse make his own way to his stall, dashed through +the back hall, and nearly broke his neck in tumbling up-stairs, burst +open the drawing-room door, and made a rush upon Oonah, whom he hugged +and kissed most outrageously, amidst exclamations of the wildest +affection. + +Oonah, half strangled and struggling for breath, at last freed herself +from his embraces, and asked him, angrily, what he was about--in which +inquiry she was backed by his mother. + +Andy answered by capering round the room, shouting, "Hurroo! I'm not +married at all--hurroo!" He turned over the chairs, upset the tables, +threw the mantelpiece ornaments into the fire, seized the poker and +tongs, and banged them together as he continued dancing and shouting. + +Oonah and his mother stood gazing at his antics in trembling amazement, +till at last the old woman exclaimed, "Holy Vargin! he's gone mad!" +whereupon she and her niece set up a violent screaming, which called +Andy back to his propriety, and, as well as his excitement would permit, +he told them the cause of his extravagant joy. His wonder and delight +were shared by his mother and the blushing Oonah, who did not struggle +so hard in Andy's embrace on his making a second vehement demonstration +of his love for her. + +"Let me send for Father Blake, my jewel," said Andy, "and I'll marry you +at once." + +His mother reminded him he must first have his present marriage proved +invalid. Andy uttered several pieces of _original_ eloquence on "the +law's delay." + +"Well, anyhow," said he, "I'll drink your health, my darling girl, this +day, as Lady Scatterbrain--for you must consider yourself as sitch." + +"Behave yourself, my lord," said Oonah, archly. + +"Bother!" cried Andy, snatching another kiss. + +"Hillo!" cried Dick Dawson, entering at the moment, and seeing the +romping-match. "You're losing no time, I see, Andy." + +Oonah was running from the room, laughing and blushing, when Dick +interposed, and cried, "Ah, don't go, 'my lady,' that _is to be_." + +Oonah slapped down the hand that barred her progress, exclaiming, +"You're just as bad as he is, Mister Dawson!" and ran away. + +Dick had ridden over, on hearing the news, to congratulate Andy, and +consented to remain and dine with him. Oonah had rather, after what +had taken place, he had not been there, for Dick backed Andy in his +tormenting the girl and joined heartily in drinking to Andy's toast, +which, according to promise, he gave to the health of the future Lady +Scatterbrain. + +It was impossible to repress Andy's wild delight; and in the excitement +of the hour he tossed off bumper after bumper to all sorts of +love-making toasts, till he was quite overcome by his potations, and +fit for no place but bed. To this last retreat of "the glorious" he was +requested to retire, and, after much coaxing, consented. He staggered +over to the window-curtain, which he mistook for that of the bed; in +vain they wanted to lead him elsewhere--he would sleep in no other bed +but _that_--and, backing out at the window-pane, he made a smash, of +which he seemed sensible, for he said it wasn't a fair trick to put +pins in the bed. "I know it was Oonah did that!--hip!--ha! ha! Lady +Scatterbrain!--never mind--hip!--I'll have my revenge on you yet!" + +They could not get him up-stairs, so his mother suggested he should +sleep in her room, which was on the same floor, for that night, and at +last he was got into the apartment. There he was assisted to disrobe, as +he stood swaying about at a dressing-table. Chancing to lay his hands on +a pill-box, he mistook it for his watch. + +"Stop--stop!" he stammered forth--"I must wind my watch;" and, suiting +the action to the word, he began twisting about the pill-box, the lid +of which came off and the pills fell about the floor. "Oh, murder!" +said Lord Scatterbrain, "the works of my watch are fallin' about the +flure--pick them up--pick them up--pick them up--" He could speak +no more, and becoming quite incapable of all voluntary action, was +undressed and put to bed, the last sound which escaped him being a faint +muttering--"pick them up." + + + + +CHAPTER THE LAST + + +The day following the eventful one just recorded, the miserable convict +breathed his last. A printed notice was posted in all the adjacent +villages, offering a reward for the apprehension of _Shan More_ and +"other persons unknown," for their murderous assault; and a small +reward was promised for such "private information as might lead to +the apprehension of the aforesaid," &c., &c. Larry Hogan at once came +forward and put the authorities on the scent, but still Shan and his +accomplices remained undiscovered. Larry's information on another +subject, however, was more effective. He gave his own testimony to the +previous marriage of Bridget, and pointed out the means of obtaining +more, so that, ere long, Lord Scatterbrain was a "free man." Though the +depositions of the murdered man did not directly implicate Larry in the +murderous attack, still it showed that he had participated in much +of their villany; but, as in difficult cases, we must put up with bad +instruments to reach the ends of justice, so this rascal was useful for +his evidence and private information, and got his reward. + +But he got his reward in more ways than one. He knew that he dare not +longer remain in the country after what had taken place, and set off +directly for Dublin by the mail, intending to proceed to England; but +England he never reached. As he was proceeding down the Custom-house +quay in the dusk of the evening, to get on ship-board, his arms were +suddenly seized and drawn behind him by a powerful grasp, while a woman +in front drew a handkerchief across his mouth, and stifled his attempted +cries. His bundle was dragged from him, and the woman ransacked his +pockets but they contained but a few shillings, Larry having hidden +the wages of his treachery to his confederates in the folds of his +neck-cloth. To pluck this from his throat, many a fierce wrench was made +by the woman, when her attempts on the pockets proved worthless; but the +handkerchief was knotted so tightly that she could not disengage it. +The approach of some passengers along the quay alarmed the assailants +of Larry, who, ere the iron grip released him, heard a deep curse in +his ear growled by a voice he well knew, and then he felt himself hurled +with gigantic force from the quay wall. Before the base, cheating, +faithless scoundrel could make one exclamation, he was plunged into +the Liffey--even before one mental aspiration for mercy, he was in +the throes of suffocation! The heavy splash in the water caught the +attention of those whose approach had alarmed the murderers, and seeing +a man and woman running, a pursuit commenced, which ended by Newgate +having two fresh tenants the next day. + +And so farewell to the entire of the abominable crew, whose evil doings +and merited fates have only been recorded when it became necessary +to our story. It is better to leave the debased and the profligate in +oblivion than drag their doings before the day; and it is with happy +consciousness an Irishman may assert, that there is plenty of subject +afforded by Irish character and Irish life honourable to the land, +pleasing to the narrator, and sufficiently attractive to the reader, +without the unwholesome exaggerations of crime which too often disfigure +the fictions which pass under the title of "Irish," alike offensive +to truth as to taste--alike injurious both for private and public +considerations. + + * * * * * + +It was in the following autumn that a particular chariot drove up to the +door of the Victoria Hotel, on the shore of Killarney lake. A young man +of elegant bearing handed a very charming young lady from the chariot; +aand that kindest and mos accommodating of hostesses, Mrs. F----, +welcomed the fresh arrival with her good-humoured and smiling face. + +Why, amidst the crowd of arrivals at the Victoria, one chariot should +be remarkable beyond another, arose from its quiet elegance, which might +strike even a casual observer; but the intelligent Mrs. F---- saw with +half an eye the owners must be high-bred people. To the apartments +already engaged for them they were shown; but few minutes were lost +within doors where such matchless natural beauty tempted them without. +A boat was immediately ordered, and then the newly arrived visitors were +soon on the lake. The boatmen had already worked hard that day, having +pulled one party completely round the lakes--no trifling task; but the +hardy fellows again bent to their oars, and made the sleeping waters +wake in golden flashes to the sunset, till told they need not pull so +hard. + +"Faith, then, we'll _plaze_ you, sir," said the stroke-oarsman, with a +grin, "for we have had quite enough of it to-day." + +"Do you not think, Fanny," said Edward O'Connor, for it was he who spoke +to his bride, "Do you not think 'tis more in unison with the tranquil +hour and the coming shadows, to glide softly over the lulled waters?" + +"Yes," she replied, "it seems almost sacrilege to disturb this heavenly +repose by the slightest dip of the oar--see how perfectly that lovely +island is reflected." + +"That is Innisfallin, my lady," said the boatman, hearing her allude +to the island, "where the hermitage is." As he spoke, a gleam of light +sparkled on the island, which was reflected on the water. + +"One might think the hermit was there too," said Fanny, "and had just +lighted a lamp for his vigils." + +"That's the light of the guide that shows the place to the quality, my +lady, and lives on the island always in a corner of the ould ruin. +And, indeed, if you'd like to see the island this evening, there's time +enough, and 'twould be so much saved out of to-morrow." + +The boatman's advice was acted upon, and as they glided towards the +island, Fanny and Edward gazed delightedly on the towering summits of +Magillicuddy's reeks, whose spiral pinnacles and graceful declivities +told out sharply against the golden sky behind them, which, being +perfectly reflected in the calm lake, gave a grand chain of mountain the +appearance of being suspended in glowing heather, for the lake was one +bright amber sheet of light below, and the mountains one massive barrier +of shade, till they cut against the light above. The boat touched the +shore of Innisfallin, and the delighted pair of visitants hurried to its +western point to catch the sunset, lighting with its glory the matchless +foliage of this enchanting spot, where every form of grace exhaustless +nature can display is lavished on the arborial richness of the scene, +which, in its unequalled luxuriance, gives to a fanciful beholder the +idea that the _trees themselves have a conscious pleasure in growing +there._ Oh! what a witching spot is Innisfallin! + +Edward had never seen anything so beautiful in his life; and with the +woman he adored resting on his arm, he quoted the lines which Moore has +applied to the Vale of Cashmere, as he asked Fanny would she not like to +live there. + +"Would you?" said Fanny. + +Edward answered-- + + "If woman can make the worst wilderness dear, + Think--think what a heaven she must make of Cashmere." + +They lingered on the island till the moon arose, and then re-embarked. +The silvery light exhibited the lake under another aspect, and the dimly +discovered forms of the lofty hills rose one above another, tier upon +tier, circling the waters in their shadowy frame, the beauty of the +scene reached a point of sublimity which might be called holy. As they +returned towards the shelving strand, a long row of peeled branches, +standing upright in the water, attracted Fanny's attention, and she +asked their use. + +"All the use in life, my lady," said the boatman, "for without the same +branches, maybe it's not home to-night you'd get." + +On Fanny inquiring further the meaning of the boatman's answer, she +learned that the sticks were placed there to indicate the only channel +which permitted a boat to approach the shore on that side of the lake, +where the water was shoal, while in other parts the depth had never been +fathomed. + +An early excursion on the water was planned for the morning, and Edward +and Fanny were wakened from their slumbers by the tones of the bugle; a +soft Irish melody being breathed by Spillan, followed by a more sportive +one from the other minstrel of the lake, Ganzy. + +The lake now appeared under another aspect--the morning sun and morning +breeze were upon it, and the sublimity with which the shades of evening +had invested the mountains was changed to that of the most varied +richness; for Autumn hung out its gaudy banner on the lofty hills, +crowned to their summits with all variety of wood, which, though tinged +by the declining year, had scarcely shed one leafy honour. The day was +glorious, and the favouring breeze enabled the boat to career across the +sparkling lake under canvas, till the overhanging hills of the opposite +side robbed them of their aerial wings, and the sail being struck, the +boatmen bent to their oars. As they passed under a promontory, clothed +from the water's edge to its topmost ridge with the most luxuriant +vegetation, it was pointed out to the lady as "the minister's back." + +"'T is a strange name," said Fanny. "Do you know why it is called so?" + +"Faix, I dunna, my lady--barrin' that it is the best covered back in +the country. But here we come to the _aichos_," said he, resting on his +oars. The example was followed by his fellows, and the bugler, lifting +his instrument to his lips, gave one long well-sustained blast. It rang +across the waters gallantly. It returned in a few seconds with such +unearthly sweetness, as though the spirit of the departed sound had +become heavenly, and revisited the place where it had expired. + +Fanny and Edward listened breathlessly. + +The bugle gave out its notes again in the well-known "call," and as +sweetly as before the notes were returned distinctly. + +And now a soft and slow and simple melody stole from the exquisitely +played bugle, and phrase after phrase was echoed from the responding +hills. How many an emotion stirred within Edward's breast, as the +melting music fell upon his ear! In the midst of matchless beauties he +heard the matchless strains of his native land, and the echoes of her +old hills responding to the triumphs of her old bards. The air, too, +bore with it historic associations;--it told a tale of wrong and of +suffering. The wrong has ceased, the suffering is past, but the air +which records them still lives. + +"Oh! triumph of the minstrel!" exclaimed Edward in delight. "The tyrant +crumbles in his coffin, while the song of the bard survives! The memory +of a sceptred ruffian is endlessly branded by a simple strain, while +many of the elaborate chronicles of his evil life have passed away and +are mouldering like himself." + +Scarcely had the echoes of this exquisite air died away, when the +entrancement it carried was rudely broken by one of the vulgarest tunes +being brayed from a bugle in a boat which was seen rounding the headland +of the wooded promontory. Edward and Fanny writhed, and put their hands +to their ears. "Give way, boys!" said Edward; "for pity's sake get away +from these barbarians. Give way!" + +Away sprang the boat. To the boatman's inquiry whether they should stop +at "Lady Kenmare's Cottage," Fanny said "no," when she found on inquiry +it was a particularly "show-place," being certain the vulgar party +following _would_ stop there, and therefore time might be gained in +getting away from such disagreeable followers. + +Dinas Island, fringed with its lovely woods, excited their admiration, +as they passed underneath its shadows, and turned into Turk Lake; here +the labyrinthine nature of the channels through which they had been +winding was changed for a circular expanse of water, over which the +lofty mountain, whence it takes its name, towers in all its wild beauty +of wood, and rock, and heath. + +At a certain part of the lake, the boatmen, without any visible cause, +rested on their oars. On Edward asking them why they did not pull, he +received this touching answer:-- + +"Sure, your honour would not have us disturb Ned Macarthy's grave!" + +"Then a boatman was drowned here, I suppose?" said Edward. + +"Yes, your honour." The boatman then told how the accident occurred "one +day when there was a stag-hunt on the lake;" but as the anecdote struck +Edward so forcibly that he afterwards recorded it in verse, we will give +the story after his fashion. + +MACARTHY'S GRAVE + +I + + The breeze was fresh, the morn was fair, + The stag had left his dewy lair; + To cheering horn and baying tongue, + Killarney's echoes sweetly rung. + With sweeping oar and bending mast, + The eager chase was following fast; + When one light skiff a maiden steer'd + Beneath the deep wave disappeared: + Wild shouts of terror wildly ring, + A boatman brave, with gallant spring + And dauntless arm, the lady bore; + But he who saved--was seen no more! + +II + + Where weeping birches wildly wave, + There boatmen show their brother's grave; + And while they tell the name he bore, + Suspended hangs the lifted oar; + The silent drops they idly shed + Seem like tears to gallant Ned; + And while gently gliding by, + The tale is told with moistened eye. + No ripple on the slumbering lake + Unhallow'd oar doth ever make; + All undisturb'd, the placid wave + Flows gently o'er Macarthy's grave. + +Winding backwards through the channels which lead the explorers of this +scene of nature's enchantment from the lower to the upper lake, the +surpassing beauty of the "Eagle's nest" burst on their view; and as +they hovered under its stupendous crags, clustering with all variety of +verdure, the bugle and the cannon awoke the almost endless reverberation +of sound which is engendered here. Passing onward, a sudden change is +wrought; the soft beauty melts gradually away, and the scene hardens +into frowning rocks and steep acclivities, making a befitting vestibule +to the bold and bleak precipices of "The Reeks," which form the western +barrier of this upper lake, whose savage grandeur is rendered more +striking by the scenes of fairy-like beauty left behind. But even here, +in the midst of the mightiest desolation, the vegetative vigour of the +numerous islands proves the wondrous productiveness of the soil in these +regions. + +On their return, a great commotion was observable as they approached the +rapids formed by the descending waters of the upper lake to the lower, +and they were hailed and warned by some of the peasants from the shore +that they must not attempt the rapids at present, as a boat, which had +just been upset, lay athwart the passage. On hearing this, Edward and +Fanny landed upon the falls, and walked towards the old bridge, where +all was bustle and confusion, as the dripping passengers were dragged +safely to shore from the capsized boat, which had been upset by the +principal gentleman of the party, whose vulgar trumpetings had so +disturbed the delight of Edward and Fanny, who soon recognised the +renowned Andy as the instigator of the bad music and the cause of the +accident. Yes, Lord Scatterbrain, true to his original practice, was +author of all. + +Nevertheless, he and his party, soused over head and ears as they +were, took the thing in good humour, which was unbroken even by the +irrepressible laughter which escaped from Edward and Fanny, as they +approached and kindly offered assistance. An immediate removal to the +neighbouring cottage on Dinas Island was recommended, particularly as +Lady Scatterbrain was in a delicate situation, as well, indeed, as Mrs. +Durfy, who, with her dear Tom, had joined Lord Scatterbrain's party of +pleasure. + +On reaching the cottage, sufficient change of clothes was obtained +to prevent evil consequences from the ducking. This, under ordinary +circumstances, might not have been easy for so many; but, fortunately, +Lord Scatterbrain had ordered a complete dinner from the hotel to be +served in the cottage, and some of the assistants from the Victoria, +who were necessarily present, helped to dress more than the dinner. What +between cookmaids and waiters, the care-taker of the cottage and the +boatmen, bodies, and skirts, jackets and other conveniences, enabled +the party to sit down to dinner in company, until fire could mend the +mistake of his lordship. Edward and Fanny courteously joined the party; +and the honour of their company was sensibly felt by Andy and Oonah, +who would have borne a ducking a day for the honour of having Fanny and +Edward as their guests. Oonah was by nature a nice creature, and adapted +herself to her elevated position with a modest ease that was surprising. +Even Andy was by this time able to conduct himself tolerably well at +table--only on that particular day he did make a mistake; for when +salmon (which is served at Killarney in all sorts of variety) made its +appearance for the first time in the novel form "_en papillote_," +Andy ate paper and all. He refused a second cutlet, however, saying he +"_thought the skin tough_." The party, however, passed off mirthfully, +the very accident helping the fun; for, instead of any one being called +by name, the "lady in the jacket," or the "gentleman in the bedgown," +were the terms of address; and, after a merrily spent evening, the beds +of the Victoria gave sleep and pleasing dreams to the sojourners of +Killarney. + +[Illustration: The Party at Killarney] + +Kind reader! the shortening space we have prescribed to our volume warns +us we must draw our story to an end. Nine months after this Killarney +excursion, Lord Scatterbrain met Dick Dawson near Mount Eskar, where +Lord Scatterbrain had ridden to make certain inquiries about Mrs. +O'Connor's health. Dick wore a smiling countenance, and to Andy's +inquiry answered, "All right, and doing as well as can be expected." + +Lord Scatterbrain, wishing to know whether it was a boy or a girl, made +the inquiry in the true spirit of Andyism--"Tell me, Misther Dawson, +_are you an uncle or an aunt?_" + +Andy's mother died soon after of the cold caught by her ducking. On her +death-bed she called Oonah to her, and said, "I leave you this quilt, +_alanna_--'t is worth more than it appears. The hundred-pound notes Andy +gave me I quilted into the lining, so that if I lived poor all my life +till lately, I died under a quilt of banknotes, anyhow." + +Uncle Bob was gathered to his fathers also, and left the bulk of his +property to Augusta, so that Furlong had to regret his contemptible +conduct in rejecting her hand. Augusta indulged in a spite to all +mankind for the future, enjoying her dogs and her independence, and +defying Hymen and hydrophobia for the rest of her life. + +Gusty went on profiting by the early care of Edward O'Connor, whose +friendship was ever his dearest possession; and Ratty, always wild, +expressed a desire for leading a life of enterprise. As they are both +"Irish heirs," as well as Lord Scatterbrain, and heirs under very +different circumstances, it is not improbable that in our future +"accounts" something may yet be heard of them, and the grateful author +once more meet his kind readers. + +THE END + + + + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's Handy Andy, Volume 2 (of 2), by Samuel Lover + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK HANDY ANDY, VOLUME 2 (OF 2) *** + +***** This file should be named 7180.txt or 7180.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/7/1/8/7180/ + +Produced by Charles Franks and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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