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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/7180-0.txt b/7180-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..9bef07b --- /dev/null +++ b/7180-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,10845 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Handy Andy, Volume 2 (of 2), by Samuel Lover + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Handy Andy, Volume 2 (of 2) + A Tale of Irish Life + +Author: Samuel Lover + + +Release Date: December, 2004 [EBook #7180] +This file was first posted on March 22, 2003 +Last Updated: March 16, 2018 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: UTF-8 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK HANDY ANDY, VOLUME 2 (OF 2) *** + + + + +Produced by Charles Franks and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team + + + + + + + + +HANDY ANDY + +A Tale of Irish Life + +In Two Volumes--Volume Two + +The Collected Writings Of Samuel Lover (V. 4) + +[Illustration: Tom Organ Loftus' Coldairian System] + +[Illustration: Tom Connor's Cat] + + + + +LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS VOLUME TWO + + +Tom Organ Loftus' Coldairian System + +Tom Connor's Cat + +Andy's Cooking Extraordinary + +Tom Organ Loftus and the Duke + +The Abduction + +A Crack Shot + +The Challenge + +The Party at Killarney + +_Etched by W. H. W. Bicknell from drawings by Samuel Lover_ + + + + +CHAPTER XXII + + +The night was pitch dark, and on rounding the adjacent corner no vehicle +could be seen; but a peculiar whistle from Dick was answered by the +sound of approaching wheels and the rapid footfalls of a horse, mingled +with the light rattle of a smart gig. On the vehicle coming up, Dick +took his little mare, that was blacker than the night, by the head, the +apron of the gig was thrown down, and out jumped a smart servant-boy. + +“You have the horse ready, too, Billy?” + +“Yis, sir,” said Billy, touching his hat. + +“Then follow, and keep up with me, remember.” + +“Yis, sir.” + +“Come to her head, here,” and he patted the little mare's neck as he +spoke with a caressing “whoa,” which was answered by a low neigh of +satisfaction, while the impatient pawing of her fore foot showed the +animal's desire to start. “What an impatient little devil she is,” said +Dick, as he mounted the gig; “I'll get in first, Murphy, as I'm going +to drive. Now up with you--hook on the apron--that's it--are you all +right?” + +“Quite,” said Murphy. + +“Then you be into your saddle and after us, Billy,” said Dick; “and now +let her go.” + +Billy gave the little black mare her head, and away she went, at a +slapping pace, the fire from the road answering the rapid strokes of +her nimble feet. The servant then mounted a horse which was tied to +a neighbouring palisade, and had to gallop for it to come up with his +master, who was driving with a swiftness almost fearful, considering the +darkness of the night and the narrowness of the road he had to traverse, +for he was making the best of his course by cross-ways to an adjacent +roadside inn, where some non-resident electors were expected to arrive +that night by a coach from Dublin; for the county town had every nook +and cranny occupied, and this inn was the nearest point where they could +get any accommodation. + +Now don't suppose that they were electors whom Murphy and Dick in their +zeal for their party were going over to greet with hearty welcomes and +bring up to the poll the next day. By no means. They were the friends +of the opposite party, and it was with the design of retarding their +movements that this night's excursion was undertaken. These electors +were a batch of plain citizens from Dublin, whom the Scatterbrain +interest had induced to leave the peace and quiet of the city to tempt +the wilds of the country at that wildest of times--during a contested +election; and a night coach was freighted inside and out with the worthy +cits, whose aggregate voices would be of immense importance the next +day; for the contest was close, the county nearly polled out, and +but two days more for the struggle. Now, to intercept these plain +unsuspecting men was the object of Murphy, whose well-supplied +information had discovered to him this plan of the enemy, which he set +about countermining. As they rattled over the rough by-roads, many a +laugh did the merry attorney and the untameable Dick the Devil exchange, +as the probable success of their scheme was canvassed, and fresh +expedients devised to meet the possible impediments which might +interrupt them. As they topped a hill Murphy pointed out to his +companion a moving light in the plain beneath. + +“That's the coach, Dick--there are the lamps, we're just in time--spin +down the hill, my boy--let me get in as they're at supper, and 'faith +they'll want it, after coming off a coach such a night as this, to say +nothing of some of them being aldermen in expectancy perhaps, and of +course obliged to play trencher-men as often as they can, as a requisite +rehearsal for the parts they must hereafter fill.” + +In fifteen minutes more Dick pulled up before a small cabin within a +quarter of a mile of the inn, and the mounted servant tapped at the +door, which was immediately opened, and a peasant, advancing to the gig, +returned the civil salutation with which Dick greeted his approach. + +“I wanted to be sure you were ready, Barny.” + +“Oh, do you think I'd fail you, Misther Dick, your honour?” + +“I thought you might be asleep, Barny.” + +“Not when you bid me wake, sir; and there's a nice fire ready for you, +and as fine a dhrop o' _potteen_ as ever tickled your tongue, sir.” + +“You're the lad, Barny!--good fellow--I'll be back with you by-and-by;” + and off whipped Dick again. + +After going about a quarter of a mile further, he pulled up, alighted +with Murphy from the gig, unharnessed the little black mare, and then +overturned the gig into the ditch. + +“That's as natural as life,” said Dick. + +“What an escape of my neck I've had!” said Murphy. + +“Are you much hurt?” said Dick. + +“A trifle lame only,” said Murphy, laughing and limping. + +“There was a great _boccagh_ [Footnote: Lame beggar.] lost in you, +Murphy. Wait; let me rub a handful of mud on your face--there--you have +a very upset look, 'pon my soul,” said Dick, as he flashed the light of +his lantern on him for a moment, and laughed at Murphy scooping the mud +out of his eye, where Dick had purposely planted it. + +“Devil take you,” said Murtough; “that's too natural.” + +“There's nothing like looking your part,” said Dick. + +“Well, I may as well complete my attire,” said Murtough, so he lay down +in the road and took a roll in the mud; “that will do,” said he; “and +now, Dick, go back to Barny and the mountain dew, while I storm the +camp of the Philistines. I think in a couple of hours you may be on the +look-out for me; I'll signal you from the window, so now good bye;” + and Murphy, leading the mare, proceeded to the inn, while Dick, with a +parting “Luck to you, my boy,” turned back to the cottage of Barny. + +The coach had set down six inside and ten out passengers (all voters) +about ten minutes before Murphy marched up to the inn door, leading the +black mare, and calling “ostler” most lustily. His call being answered +for “the beast,” “the man” next demanded attention; and the landlord +wondered all the wonders he could cram into a short speech, at seeing +Misther Murphy, sure, at such a time; and the sonsy landlady, too, +was all lamentations for his illigant coat and his poor eye, sure, all +ruined with the mud:--and what was it at all? an upset, was it? oh, +wirra! and wasn't it lucky he wasn't killed, and they without a spare +bed to lay him out dacent if he was--sure, wouldn't it be horrid for his +body to be only on sthraw in the barn, instead of the best feather-bed +in the house; and, indeed, he'd be welcome to it, only the gintlemen +from town had them all engaged. + +“Well, dead or alive, I must stay here to-night, Mrs. Kelly, at all +events.” + +“And what will you do for a bed?” + +“A shake down in the parlour, or a stretch on a sofa, will do; my gig is +stuck fast in a ditch--my mare tired--ten miles from home--cold night, +and my knee hurt.” Murphy limped as he spoke. + +“Oh! your poor knee,” said Mrs. Kelly; “I'll put a dhrop o' whisky and +brown paper on it, sure--” + +“And what gentlemen are these, Mrs. Kelly, who have so filled your +house?” + +“Gintlemen that came by the coach a while agone, and supping in the +parlour now, sure.” + +“Would you give my compliments, and ask would they allow me, under the +present peculiar circumstances, to join them? and in the meantime, send +somebody down the road to take the cushions out of my gig; for there is +no use in attempting to get the gig out till morning.” + +“Sartinly, Misther Murphy, we'll send for the cushions; but as for the +gentlemen, they are all on the other side.” + +“What other side?” + +“The Honourable's voters, sure.” + +“Pooh! is that all?” said Murphy,--“I don't mind that, I've no objection +on that account; besides, _they_ need not know who _I_ am,” and he gave +the landlord a knowing wink, to which the landlord as knowingly returned +another. + +The message to the gentlemen was delivered, and Murphy was immediately +requested to join their party; this was all he wanted, and he played off +his powers of diversion on the innocent citizens so successfully, that +before supper was half over they thought themselves in luck to have +fallen in with such a chance acquaintance. Murphy fired away jokes, +repartees, anecdotes, and country gossip, to their delight; and when the +eatables were disposed of, he started them on the punch-drinking tack +afterwards so cleverly, that he hoped to see three parts of them tipsy +before they retired to rest. + +“Do you feel your knee better now, sir?” asked one of the party, of +Murphy. + +“Considerably, thank you; whisky punch, sir, is about the best cure for +bruises or dislocations a man can take.” + +“I doubt that, sir,” said a little matter-of-fact man, who had now +interposed his reasonable doubts for the twentieth time during Murphy's +various extravagant declarations, and the interruption only made Murphy +romance the more. + +“_You_ speak of your fiery _Dublin_ stuff, sir; but our country whisky +is as mild as milk, and far more wholesome; then, sir, our fine air +alone would cure half the complaints without a grain of physic.” + +“I doubt that, sir!” said the little man. + +“I assure you, sir, a friend of my own from town came down here last +spring on crutches, and from merely following a light whisky diet and +sleeping with his window open, he was able to dance at the race ball in +a fortnight; as for this knee of mine, it's a trifle, though it was a +bad upset too.” + +“How did it happen, sir? Was it your horse--or your harness--or your +gig--or--” + +“None o' them, sir; it was a _Banshee_.” + +“A Banshee!” said the little man; “what's that?” + +“A peculiar sort of supernatural creature that is common here, sir. She +was squatted down on one side of the road, and my mare shied at her, +and being a spirited little thing, she attempted to jump the ditch and +missed it in the dark.” + +“Jump a ditch, with a gig after her, sir?” said the little man. + +“Oh, common enough to do that here, sir; she'd have done it easy in the +daylight, but she could not measure her distance in the dark, and bang +she went into the ditch: but it's a trifle, after all. I am generally +run over four or five times a year.” + +“And you alive to tell it!” said the little man, incredulously. + +“It's hard to kill us here, sir, we are used to accidents.” + +“Well, the worst accident I ever heard of,” said one of the citizens, +“happened to a friend of mine, who went to visit a friend of his on a +Sunday, and all the family happened to be at church; so on driving into +the yard there was no one to take his horse, therefore he undertook +the office of ostler himself, but being unused to the duty, he most +incautiously took off the horse's bridle before unyoking him from his +gig, and the animal, making a furious plunge forward--my friend being +before him at the time--the shaft of the gig was driven through his +body, and into the coach-house gate behind him, and stuck so fast that +the horse could not drag it out after; and in this dreadful situation +they remained until the family returned from church, and saw the awful +occurrence. A servant was despatched for a doctor, and the shaft was +disengaged, and drawn out of the man's body--just at the pit of the +stomach; he was laid on a bed, and every one thought of course he must +die at once, but he didn't; and the doctor came next day, and he wasn't +dead--did what he could for him--and, to make a long story short, sir, +the man recovered.” + +“Pooh! pooh!” said the diminutive doubter. + +“It's true,” said the narrator. + +“I make no doubt of it, sir,” said Murphy; “I know a more extraordinary +case of recovery myself.” + +“I beg your pardon, sir,” said the cit; “I have not finished my story +yet, for the most extraordinary part of the story remains to be told; +my friend, sir, was a very sickly man before the accident happened--a +_very_ sickly man, and after that accident he became a hale healthy man. +What do you think of that, sir?” + +“It does not surprise me in the least, sir,” said Murphy; “I can account +for it readily.” + +“Well, sir, I never heard It accounted for, though I know it to be true; +I should like to hear how you account for it?” + +“Very simply, sir,” said Murphy; “don't you perceive the man discovered +a _mine_ of health by a _shaft_ being sunk in the _pit_ of his stomach?” + +Murphy's punning solution of the cause of cure was merrily received by +the company, whose critical taste was not of that affected nature +which despises _jeu de mots_, and _will not_ be satisfied under a _jeu +d'esprit_; the little doubting man alone refused to be pleased. + +“I doubt the value of a pun always, sir. Dr. Johnson said, sir--” + +“I know,” said Murphy; “that the man who would make a pun would pick +a pocket; that's old, sir,--but is dearly remembered by all those who +cannot make puns themselves.” + +“Exactly,” said one of the party they called Wiggins. “It is the old +story of the fox and the grapes. Did you ever hear, sir, the story of +the fox and the grapes? The fox one day was--” + +“Yes, yes,” said Murphy, who, fond of absurdity as he was, could _not_ +stand the fox and the grapes by way of something new. + +“They're sour, said the fox.” + +“Yes,” said Murphy, “a capital story.” + +“Oh, them fables is so good!” said Wiggins. + +“All nonsense!” said the diminutive contradictor. + +“Nonsense, nothing but nonsense; the ridiculous stuff of birds and +beasts speaking! As if any one could believe such stuff.” + +“I do--firmly--for one,” said Murphy. + +“You do?” said the little man. + +“I do--and do you know why?” + +“I cannot indeed conceive,” said the little man, with a bitter grin. + +“It is, sir, because I myself know a case that occurred in this very +country of a similar nature.” + +“Do you want to make me believe you knew a fox that spoke, sir?” said +the mannikin, almost rising into anger. + +“Many, sir,” said Murphy, “many.” + +“Well! after that!” said the little man. + +“But the case I immediately allude to is not of a fox, but a cat,” said +Murphy. + +“A cat? Oh, yes--to be sure--a cat speak, indeed!” said the little +gentleman. + +“It is a fact, sir,” said Murphy; “and if the company would not object +to my relating the story, I will state the particulars.” + +The proposal was received with acclamation; and Murphy, in great +enjoyment of the little man's annoyance, cleared his throat, and made +all the preparatory demonstrations of a regular _raconteur_; but, before +he began, he recommended the gentlemen to mix fresh tumblers all round +that they might have nothing to do but listen and drink silently. “For +of all things in the world,” said Murtough, “I hate a song or a story to +be interrupted by the rattle of spoons.” + +They obeyed; and while they are mixing their punch, we will just turn +over a fresh page, and devote a new Chapter to the following + +MARVELLOUS LEGEND + + + + +CHAPTER XXIII + +MURTOUGH MURPHY'S STORY; BEING YE MARVELLOUS LEGEND OF TOM CONNOR'S CAT + + +“There was a man in these parts, sir, you must know, called Tom Connor, +and he had a cat that was equal to any dozen of rat-traps, and he was +proud of the baste, and with rayson; for she was worth her weight in +goold to him in saving his sacks of meal from the thievery of the rats +and mice; for Tom was an extensive dealer in corn, and influenced the +rise and fall of that article in the market, to the extent of a full +dozen of sacks at a time, which he either kept or sold, as the spirit +of free trade or monopoly came over him. Indeed, at one time, Tom had +serious thoughts of applying to the government for a military force to +protect his granary when there was a threatened famine in the county.” + +“Pooh! pooh! sir,” said the matter-of-fact little man: “as if a dozen +sacks could be of the smallest consequence in a whole county--pooh! +pooh!” + +“Well, sir,” said Murphy, “I can't help if you don't believe; but it's +truth what I am telling you, and pray don't interrupt me, though you +may not believe; by the time the story's done you'll have heard more +wonderful things than _that_,--and besides, remember you're a stranger +in these parts, and have no notion of the extraordinary things, +physical, metaphysical, and magical, which constitute the idiosyncrasy +of rural destiny.” + +The little man did not know the meaning of Murphy's last sentence--nor +Murphy either; but, having stopped the little man's throat with big +words, he proceeded-- + +“This cat, sir, you must know, was a great pet, and was so up to +everything, that Tom swore she was a'most like a Christian, only she +couldn't speak, and had so sensible a look in her eyes, that he was +sartin sure the cat knew every word that was said to her. Well, she used +to sit by him at breakfast every morning, and the eloquent cock of her +tail, as she used to rub against his leg, said, 'Give me some milk, Tom +Connor,' as plain as print, and the plenitude of her purr afterwards +spoke a gratitude beyond language. Well, one morning, Tom was going to +the neighbouring town to market, and he had promised the wife to bring +home shoes to the childre' out o' the price of the corn; and sure +enough, before he sat down to breakfast, there was Tom taking the +measure of the children's feet, by cutting notches on a bit of stick; +and the wife gave him so many cautions about getting a 'nate fit' for +'Billy's purty feet,' that Tom, in his anxiety to nick the closest +possible measure, cut off the child's toe. That disturbed the harmony of +the party, and Tom was obliged to breakfast alone, while the mother was +endeavouring to cure Billy; in short, trying to make a _heal_ of his +_toe_. Well, sir, all the time Tom was taking measure for the shoes, the +cat was observing him with that luminous peculiarity of eye for which +her tribe is remarkable; and when Tom sat down to breakfast the cat +rubbed up against him more vigorously than usual; but Tom, being +bewildered between his expected gain in corn and the positive loss of +his child's toe, kept never minding her, until the cat, with a sort of +caterwauling growl, gave Tom a dab of her claws, that went clean through +his leathers, and a little further. 'Wow!' says Tom, with a jump, +clapping his hand on the part, and rubbing it, 'by this and that, +you drew the blood out o' me,' says Tom; 'you wicked divil--tish!--go +along!' says he, making a kick at her. With that the cat gave a +reproachful look at him, and her eyes glared just like a pair of +mail-coach lamps in a fog. With that, sir, the cat, with a mysterious +_'mi-ow'_ fixed a most penetrating glance on Tom, and distinctly uttered +his name. + +“Tom felt every hair on his head as stiff as a pump-handle; and scarcely +crediting his ears, he returned a searching look at the cat, who very +quietly proceeded in a sort of nasal twang-- + +“'Tom Connor,' says she. + +“'The Lord be good to me!' says Tom, 'if it isn't spakin' she is!' + +“'Tom Connor,' says she again. + +“'Yes, ma'am,' says Tom. + +“'Come here,' says she; 'whisper--I want to talk to you, Tom,' says +she, 'the laste taste in private,' says she--rising on her hams, and +beckoning him with her paw out o' the door, with a wink and a toss o' +the head aiqual to a milliner. + +“Well, as you may suppose, Tom didn't know whether he was on his head +or his heels, but he followed the cat, and off she went and squatted +herself under the edge of a little paddock at the back of Tom's house; +and as he came round the corner, she held up her paw again, and laid it +on her mouth, as much as to say, 'Be cautious, Tom.' Well, divil a word +Tom could say at all, with the fright, so up he goes to the cat, and +says she-- + +“'Tom,' says she, 'I have a great respect for you, and there's something +I must tell you, becase you're losing character with your neighbours,' +says she, 'by your goin's on,' says she, 'and it's out o' the respect +that I have for you, that I must tell you,' says she. + +“'Thank you, ma'am,' says Tom. + +“'You're goin' off to the town,' says she, 'to buy shoes for the +childre',' says she, 'and never thought o' gettin' me a pair.' + +“'You!' says Tom.” + +“'Yis, me, Tom Connor,' says she; 'and the neighbours wondhers that +a respectable man like you allows your cat to go about the counthry +barefutted,' says she.” + +“'Is it a cat to ware shoes?' says Tom.” + +“'Why not?' says she; 'doesn't horses ware shoes?--and I have a prettier +foot than a horse, I hope,' says she, with a toss of her head.” + +“'Faix, she spakes like a woman; so proud of her feet,' says Tom to +himself, astonished, as you may suppose, but pretending never to think +it remarkable all the time; and so he went on discoursin'; and says he, +'It's thrue for you, ma'am,' says he, 'that horses wares shoes--but that +stands to rayson, ma'am, you see--seeing the hardship their feet has to +go through on the hard roads.'” + +“'And how do you know what hardship my feet has to go through?' says the +cat, mighty sharp.” + +“'But, ma'am,' says Tom, 'I don't well see how you could fasten a shoe +on you,' says he.” + +“'Lave that to me,' says the cat.” + +“'Did any one ever stick walnut shells on you, pussy?' says Tom, with a +grin.” + +“'Don't be disrespectful, Tom Connor,' says the cat, with a frown.” + +“'I ax your pard'n, ma'am,' says he, 'but as for the horses you wor +spakin' about wearin' shoes, you know their shoes is fastened on with +nails, and how would your shoes be fastened on?'” + +“'Ah, you stupid thief!' says she, 'haven't I illigant nails o' my own?' +and with that she gave him a dab of her claw, that made him roar.” + +“'Ow! murdher!' says he.” + +“'Now, no more of your palaver, Misther Connor,' says the cat; 'just be +off and get me the shoes.'” + +“'Tare an' ouns!' says Tom, 'what'll become o' me if I'm to get shoes +for my cats?' says he, 'for you increase your family four times a year, +and you have six or seven every time,' says he; 'and then you must all +have two pair a piece--wirra! wirra!--I'll be ruined in shoe-leather,' +says Tom. + +“'No more o' your stuff,' says the cat; 'don't be stand in' here undher +the hedge talkin', or we'll lose our karacthers--for I've remarked your +wife is jealous, Tom.' + +“'Pon my sowl, that's thrue,' says Tom, with a smirk. + +“'More fool she,' says the cat, 'for, 'pon my conscience, Tom, you're as +ugly as if you wor bespoke.' + +“Off ran the cat with these words, leaving Tom in amazement. He said +nothing to the family, for fear of fright'ning them, and off he went to +the _town_ as he _pretended_--for he saw the cat watching him through +a hole in the hedge; but when he came to a turn at the end of the road, +the dickings a mind he minded the market, good or bad, but went off to +Squire Botherum's, the magisthrit, to sware examinations agen the cat.” + +“Pooh! pooh!--nonsense!!” broke in the little man, who had listened thus +far to Murtough with an expression of mingled wonder and contempt, +while the rest of the party willingly gave up the reins to nonsense, +and enjoyed Murtough's Legend and their companion's more absurd common +sense. + +“Don't interrupt him, Goggins,” said Mister Wiggins. + +“How can you listen to such nonsense?” returned Goggins. “Swear +examinations against a cat, indeed! pooh! pooh!” + +“My dear sir,” said Murtough, “remember this is a fair story, and that +the country all around here is full of enchantment. As I was telling +you, Tom went off to swear examinations.” + +“Ay, ay!” shouted all but Goggins; “go on with the story.” + +“And when Tom was asked to relate the events of the morning, which +brought him before Squire Botherum, his brain was so bewildered between +his corn, and his cat, and his child's toe, that he made a very confused +account of it. + +“'Begin your story from the beginning,' said the magistrate to Tom. + +“'Well, your honour,' says Tom, 'I was goin' to market this mornin', to +sell the child's corn--I beg your pard'n--my own toes, I mane, sir.' + +“'Sell your toes!' said the Squire. + +“'No, sir, takin' the cat to market, I mane--' + +“'Take a cat to market!' said the Squire. 'You're drunk, man.' + +“'No, your honour, only confused a little; for when the toes began to +spake to me--the cat, I mane--I was bothered clane--' + +“'The cat speak to you!' said the Squire. 'Phew! worse than +before--you're drunk, Tom.' + +“'No, your honour; it's on the strength of the cat I come to spake to +you--' + +“'I think it's on the strength of a pint of whisky, Tom--' + +“'By the vartue o' my oath, your honour, it's nothin' but the cat.' And +so Tom then told him all about the affair, and the Squire was regularly +astonished. Just then the bishop of the diocese and the priest of the +parish happened to call in, and heard the story; and the bishop and the +priest had a tough argument for two hours on the subject; the former +swearing she must be a witch; but the priest denying _that_, and +maintaining she was _only_ enchanted; and that part of the argument was +afterwards referred to the primate, and subsequently to the conclave at +Rome; but the Pope declined interfering about cats, saying he had quite +enough to do minding his own bulls. + +“'In the meantime, what are we to do with the cat?' says Botherum. + +“'Burn her,' says the bishop, 'she's a witch.' + +“_Only_ enchanted,' said the priest--'and the ecclesiastical court +maintains that--' + +“'Bother the ecclesiastical court!' said the magistrate; 'I can only +proceed on the statutes;' and with that he pulled down all the law-books +in his library, and hunted the laws from Queen Elizabeth down, and he +found that they made laws against everything in Ireland, _except a cat_. +The devil a thing escaped them but a cat, which did _not_ come within +the meaning of any act of parliament:--_the cats only had escaped_. + +“'There's the alien act, to be sure,' said the magistrate, 'and perhaps +she's a French spy, in disguise.' + +“'She spakes like a French spy, sure enough,' says Tom; 'and she was +missin', I remember, all last Spy-Wednesday.' + +“'That's suspicious,' says the squire--'but conviction might be +difficult; and I have a fresh idea,' says Botherum. + +“''Faith, it won't keep fresh long, this hot weather,' says Tom; 'so +your honour had betther make use of it at wanst.' + +“'Right,' says Botherum,--'we'll make her subject to the game laws; +we'll hunt her,' says he. + +“'Ow!--elegant!' says Tom;--'we'll have a brave run out of her.' + +“'Meet me at the cross roads,' says the Squire, 'in the morning, and +I'll have the hounds ready.' + +“'Well, off Tom went home; and he was racking his brain what excuse he +could make to the cat for not bringing the shoes; and at last he hit one +off, just as he saw her cantering up to him, half-a-mile before he got +home. + +“'Where's the shoes, Tom?' says she. + +“'I have not got them to-day, ma'am,' says he. + +“'Is that the way you keep your promise, Tom?' says she;--'I'll tell you +what it is, Tom--I'll tare the eyes out o' the childre' if you don't get +me shoes.' + +“'Whisht! whisht!' says Tom, frightened out of his life for his +children's eyes. 'Don't be in a passion, pussy. The shoemaker said he +had not a shoe in his shop, nor a last that would make one to fit +you; and he says, I must bring you into the town for him to take your +measure.' + +“'And when am I to go?' says the cat, looking savage. + +“'To-morrow,' says Tom. + +“'It's well you said that, Tom,' said the cat, 'or the devil an eye I'd +leave in your family this night'--and off she hopped. + +“Tom thrimbled at the wicked look she gave. + +“'Remember!' says she, over the hedge, with a bitter caterwaul. + +“'Never fear,' says Tom. Well, sure enough, the next mornin' there was +the cat at cock-crow, licking herself as nate as a new pin, to go into +the town, and out came Tom with a bag undher his arm, and the cat afther +him. + +“'Now git into this, and I'll carry you into the town,' says Tom, +opening the bag. + +“'Sure I can walk with you,' says the cat. + +“'Oh, that wouldn't do,' says Tom; 'the people in the town is curious +and slandherous people, and sure it would rise ugly remarks if I was +seen with a cat afther me:--a dog is a man's companion by nature, but +cats does not stand to rayson.' + +“Well, the cat, seeing there was no use in argument, got into the bag, +and off Tom set to the cross roads with the bag over his shoulder, and +he came up, _quite innocent-like_, to the corner, where the Squire, and +his huntsman, and the hounds, and a pack o' people were waitin'. Out +came the Squire on a sudden, just as if it was all by accident. + +“'God save you, Tom,' says he. + +“'God save you kindly, sir,' says Tom. + +“'What's that bag you have at your back?' says the Squire. + +“'Oh, nothin' at all, sir,' says Tom--makin' a face all the time, as +much as to say, I have her safe. + +“'Oh, there's something in that bag, I think,' says the Squire; 'and you +must let me see it.' + +“'If you bethray me, Tom Connor,' says the cat in a low voice, 'by this +and that I'll never spake to you again!' + +“'Pon my honour, sir,' said Tom, with a wink and a twitch of his thumb +towards the bag, 'I haven't anything in it.' + +“'I have been missing my praties of late,' says the Squire; 'and I'd +just like to examine that bag,' says he. + +“'Is it doubting my charackther you'd be, sir?' says Tom, pretending to +be in a passion. + +“'Tom, your sowl!' says the voice in the sack, '_if you let the cat out +of the bag_, I'll murther you.' + +“'An honest man would make no objection to be sarched,' said the +Squire; 'and I insist on it,' says he, laying hold o' the bag, and Tom +purtending to fight all the time; but, my jewel! before two minutes, +they shook the cat out o' the bag, sure enough, and off she went with +her tail as big as a sweeping brush, and the Squire, with a thundering +view halloo after her, clapt the dogs at her heels, and away they went +for the bare life. Never was there seen such running as that day--the +cat made for a shaking bog, the loneliest place in the whole country, +and there the riders were all thrown out, barrin' the huntsman, who had +a web-footed horse on purpose for soft places; and the priest, whose +horse could go anywhere by reason of the priest's blessing; and, sure +enough, the huntsman and his riverence stuck to the hunt like wax; and +just as the cat got on the border of the bog, they saw her give a twist +as the foremost dog closed with her, for he gave her a nip in the flank. +Still she went on, however, and headed them well, towards an old mud +cabin in the middle of the bog, and there they saw her jump in at the +window, and up came the dogs the next minit, and gathered round +the house with the most horrid howling ever was heard. The huntsman +alighted, and went into the house to turn the cat out again, when what +should he see but an old hag lying in bed in the corner? + +“'Did you see a cat come in here?' says he. + +“'Oh, no--o--o--o!' squealed the old hag, in a trembling voice; 'there's +no cat here,' says she. + +“'Yelp, yelp, yelp!' went the dogs outside. + +“'Oh, keep the dogs out o' this,' says the old hag--'oh--o--o--o!' and +the huntsman saw her eyes glare under the blanket, just like a cat's. + +“'Hillo!' says the huntsman, pulling down the blanket--and what should +he see but the old hag's flank all in a gore of blood. + +“'Ow, ow! you old divil--is it you? you ould cat!' says he, opening the +door. + +“In rushed the dogs--up jumped the old hag, and changing into a cat +before their eyes, out she darted through the window again, and made +another run for it; but she couldn't escape, and the dogs gobbled her +while you could say 'Jack Robinson.' But the most remarkable part of +this extraordinary story, gentlemen, is, that the pack was ruined from +that day out; for after having eaten the enchanted cat, _the devil a +thing they would ever hunt afterwards but mice._” + + + + +CHAPTER XXIV + + +Murphy's story was received with acclamation by all but the little man. + +“That is all a pack of nonsense,” said he. + +“Well, you're welcome to it, sir,” said Murphy, “and if I had greater +nonsense you should have it; but seriously, sir, I again must beg you +to remember that the country all around here abounds in enchantment; +scarcely a night passes without some fairy frolic; but, however you +may doubt the wonderful fact of the cat speaking, I wonder you are not +impressed with the points of moral in which the story abounds--” + +“Fiddlestick!” said the miniature snarler. + +“First, the little touch about the corn monopoly [1]--then maternal +vanity chastised by the loss of the child's toe--then Tom's familiarity +with his cat, showing the danger arising from a man making too free with +his female domestics--the historical point about the penal laws--the +fatal results of letting the cat out o' the bag, with the curious final +fact in natural history.” + +[1][Footnote: Handy Andy was written when the “vexed question” of the +“Corn Laws” was the all-absorbing subject of discussion.] + +“It's all nonsense,” said the little man, “and I am ashamed of myself +for being such a fool as to sit--alistening to such stuff instead of +going to bed, after the fatigue of my journey and the necessity of +rising early to-morrow, to be in good time at the polling.” + +“Oh! then you're going to the election, sir?” said Murphy. + +“Yes, sir--there's some sense in _that_--and _you_, gentlemen, remember +we must be _all_ up early--and I recommend you to follow my example.” + +The little man rang the bell--the bootjack and slippers were called for, +and, after some delay, a very sleepy-looking _gossoon_ entered with a +bootjack under his arm, but no slippers. + +“Didn't I say slippers?” said the little man. + +“You did, sir.” + +“Where are they, sir?” + +“The masther says there isn't any, if you plaze, sir.” + +“No slippers! and you call this an inn? Oh!--well, 'what can't be cured +must be endured'--hold me the bootjack, sir.” + +The gossoon obeyed--the little man inserted his heel in the cleft, but, +on attempting to pull his foot from the boot, he nearly went heels over +head backward. Murphy caught him and put him on his legs again. “Heads +up, soldiers,” exclaimed Murtough; “I thought you were drinking too +much.” + +“Sir, I'm not intoxicated!” said the mannikin, snappishly. “It is the +fault of that vile bootjack--what sort of a thing is that you have +brought?” added he in a rage to the _gossoon_. + +“It's the bootjack, sir; only one o' the horns is gone, you see,” and he +held up to view a rough piece of board with an angular slit in it, but +one of “the horns,” as he called it, had been broken off at the top, +leaving the article useless. + +“How dare you bring such a thing as _that_?” said the little man, in a +great rage. + +“Why, sir, you ax'd for a bootjack, sure, and I brought you the best I +had--and it's not my fault it's bruk, so it is, for it wasn't me bruk +it, but Biddy batin' the cock.” + +“Beating the cock!” repeated the little man in surprise. “Bless me! beat +a cock with a bootjack!--what savages!” + +“Oh, it's not the _hen_ cock I mane, sir,” said the gossoon, “but +the beer cock--she was batin' the cock into the barrel, sir, wid the +bootjack, sir.” + +“That was decidedly wrong,” said Murphy; “a bootjack is better suited to +a heel-tap than a full measure.” + +“She was tapping the beer, you mean?” said the little man. + +“Faix, she wasn't tapping it at all, sir, but hittin' it very hard, she +was, and that's the way she bruk it.” + +“Barbarians!” exclaimed the little man; “using a bootjack instead of a +hammer!” + +“Sure the hammer was gone to the priest, sir; bekase he wanted it for +the crucifixion.” + +“The crucifixion!” exclaimed the little man, horrified; “is it possible +they crucify people?” + +“Oh no, sir!” said the gossoon, grinning, “it's the picthure I main, +sir--an illigant picthure that is hung up in the chapel, and he wanted a +hammer to dhrive the nails--” + +“Oh, a _picture_ of the crucifixion,” said the little man. + +“Yes, sure, sir--the alther-piece, that was althered for to fit to the +place, for it was too big when it came down from Dublin, so they cut +off the sides where the sojers was, bekase it stopt out the windows, and +wouldn't lave a bit o' light for his riverence to read mass; and sure +the sojers were no loss out o' the alther-piece, and was hung up afther +in the vesthery, and serve them right, the blackguards. But it was sore +agen our will to cut off the ladies at the bottom, that was cryin' +and roarin'; but great good luck, the head o' the Blessed Virgin was +presarved in the corner, and sure it's beautiful to see the tears +runnin' down her face, just over the hole in the wall for the holy +wather--which is remarkable.” + +The gossoon was much offended by the laughter that followed his account +of the altar-piece, which he had no intention of making irreverential, +and suddenly became silent, with a muttered “More shame for yiz;” and +as his bootjack was impracticable, he was sent off with orders for the +chamber-maid to supply bed candles immediately. + +The party soon separated for their various dormitories, the little man +leaving sundry charges to call them early in the morning, and to be sure +to have hot water ready for shaving, and, without fail, to have their +boots polished in time and left at their room doors;--to all which +injunctions he severally received the answer of--“Certainly, sir;” and +as the bed-room doors were slapped-to, one by one, the last sound of the +retiring party was the snappish voice of the indefatigable little man, +shouting, ere he shut his door,--“Early--early--don't forget, Mistress +Kelly--_early!_” + +A shake-down for Murphy in the parlour was hastily prepared; and after +Mrs. Kelly was assured by Murtough that he was quite comfortable, and +perfectly content with his accommodation, for which she made scores +of apologies, with lamentations it was not better, &c., &c., the whole +household retired to rest, and in about a quarter of an hour the inn was +in perfect silence. + +Then Murtough cautiously opened his door, and after listening for some +minutes, and being satisfied he was the only watcher under the roof, +he gently opened one of the parlour windows and gave the preconcerted +signal which he and Dick had agreed upon. Dick was under the window +immediately, and after exchanging a few words with Murtough, the latter +withdrew, and taking off his boots, and screening with his hand the +light of a candle he carried, he cautiously ascended the stairs, and +proceeded stealthily along the corridor of the dormitory, where, from +the chambers on each side, a concert of snoring began to be executed, +and at all the doors stood the boots and shoes of the inmates +awaiting the aid of Day and Martin in the morning. But, oh! innocent +calf-skins--destined to a far different fate--not Day and Martin, but +Dick the Devil and Company are in wait for you. Murphy collected as many +as he could carry under his arms and descended with them to the parlour +window, where they were transferred to Dick, who carried them directly +to the horse-pond which lay behind the inn, and there committed them to +the deep. After a few journeys up and down stairs, Murtough had left the +electors without a morsel of sole or upper leather, and was satisfied +that a considerable delay, if not a prevention of their appearance at +the poll on the morrow, would be the consequence. + +“There, Dick,” said Murphy, “is the last of them,” as he handed the +little man's shoes out of the window,--“and now, to save appearances, +you must take mine too--for I must be without boots as well as the rest +in the morning. What fun I shall have when the uproar begins--don't you +envy me, Dick? There, be off now: but hark 'e, notwithstanding you take +away my boots, you need not throw them into the horse-pond.” + +“'Faith, an' I will,” said Dick, dragging them out of his hands; “'t +would not be honourable, if I didn't--I'd give two pair of boots for the +fun you'll have.” + +“Nonsense, Dick--Dick, I say--my boots!” + +“Honour!” cried Dick, as he vanished round the corner. + +“That devil will keep his word,” muttered Murphy, as he closed the +window--“I may bid good bye to that pair of boots--bad luck to him!” + And yet the merry attorney could not help laughing at Dick making him a +sufferer by his own trick. + +Dick _did_ keep his word; and after, with particular delight, sinking +Murphy's boots with the rest, he, as it was preconcerted, returned to +the cottage of Barny, and with his assistance drew the upset gig from +the ditch, and with a second set of harness, provided for the occasion, +yoked the servant's horse to the vehicle and drove home. + +Murphy, meanwhile, was bent on more mischief at the inn; and lest +the loss of the boots and shoes might not be productive of sufficient +impediment to the movements of the enemy, he determined on venturing +a step further. The heavy sleeping of the weary and tipsy travellers +enabled him to enter their chambers unobserved, and over the garments +they had taken off he poured the contents of the water-jug and +water-bottle he found in each room, and then laying the empty bottle and +a tumbler on a chair beside each sleeper's bed, he made it appear as if +the drunken men had been dry in the night, and, in their endeavours +to cool their thirst, had upset the water over their own clothes. The +clothes of the little man, in particular, Murphy took especial delight +in sousing more profusely than his neighbour's, and not content with +taking his shoes, burnt his stockings, and left the ashes in the dish +of the candlestick, with just as much unconsumed as would show what +they had been. He then retired to the parlour, and with many an internal +chuckle at the thought of the morning's hubbub, threw off his clothes +and flinging himself on the shake-down Mrs. Kelly had provided for him, +was soon wrapt in the profoundest slumber, from which he never awoke +until the morning uproar of the inn aroused him. He jumped from his +lair and rushed to the scene of action, to soar in the storm of his +own raising; and to make it more apparent that he had been as great a +sufferer as the rest, he only threw a quilt over his shoulders and +did not draw on his stockings. In this plight he scaled the stairs and +joined the storming party, where the little man was leading the forlorn +hope, with his candlestick in one hand and the remnant of his burnt +stocking between the finger and thumb of the other. + +“Look at that, sir!” he cried, as he held it up to the landlord. + +The landlord could only stare. + +“Bless me!” cried Murphy, “how drunk you must have been to mistake your +stocking for an extinguisher!” + +“Drunk, sir--I wasn't drunk!” + +“It looks very like it,” said Murphy, who did not wait for an answer, +but bustled off to another party who was wringing out his inexpressibles +at the door of his bed-room, and swearing at the gossoon that he _must_ +have his boots. + +“I never seen them, sir,” said the boy. + +“I left them at my door,” said the man. + +“So did I leave mine,” said Murphy, “and here I am barefooted--it is +most extraordinary.” + +“Has the house been robbed?” said the innocent elector. + +“Not a one o' me knows, sir!” said the boy; “but how could it be robbed +and the doors all fast this mornin'?” + +The landlady now appeared, and fired at the word “robbed!” + +“Robbed, sir!” exclaimed Mrs. Kelly; “no, sir--no one was ever robbed +in my house--my house is respectable and responsible, sir--a vartuous +house--none o' your rantipole places, sir, I'd have you to know, but +decent and well behaved, and the house was as quiet as a lamb all +night.” + +“Certainly, Mrs. Kelly,” said Murphy--“not a more respectable house in +Ireland--I'll vouch for that.” + +“You're a gentleman, Misther Murphy,” said Mrs. Kelly, who turned down +the passage, uttering indignant ejaculations in a sort of snorting +manner, while her words of anger were returned by Murphy with +expressions of soothing and condolence as he followed her down-stairs. + +The storm still continued above, and while there they shouted and swore +and complained, Murphy gave _his_ notion of the catastrophe to the +landlady below, inferring that the men were drunk and poured the +water over their own clothes. To repeat this idea to themselves he +re-ascended, but the men were incredulous. The little man he found +buttoning on a pair of black gaiters, the only serviceable decency +he had at his command, which only rendered his denuded state more +ludicrous. To him Murphy asserted his belief that the whole affair was +enchantment, and ventured to hope the small individual would have more +faith in fairy machinations for the future; to which the little abortion +only returned his usual “Pho! pho! nonsense!” + +Through all this scene of uproar, as Murphy passed to and fro, whenever +he encountered the landlord, that worthy individual threw him a knowing +look; and the exclamation of, “Oh, Misther Murphy--by dad!” given in +a low chuckling tone, insinuated that the landlord not only smoked but +enjoyed the joke. + +“You must lend me a pair of boots, Kelly!” said Murtough. + +“To be sure, sir--ha! ha! ha!--but you are the quare man, Misther +Murphy--” + +“Send down the road and get my gig out of the ditch.” + +“To be sure, sir. Poor devils! purty hands they got into,” and off went +the landlord, with a chuckle. + +The messengers sent for the gig returned, declaring there was no gig to +be seen anywhere. + +Murphy affected great surprise at the intelligence--again went among +the bamboozled electors, who were all obliged to go to bed for want of +clothes; and his bitter lamentations over the loss of his gig almost +reconciled them to their minor troubles. + +To the fears they expressed that they should not be able to reach the +town in time for polling that day, Murphy told them to set their minds +at rest, for they would be in time on the next. + +He then borrowed a saddle as well as the pair of boots from the +landlord, and the little black mare bore Murphy triumphantly back to the +town, after he had securely impounded Scatterbrain's voters, who were +anxiously and hourly expected by their friends. Still they came not. +At last, Handy Andy, who happened to be in town with Scatterbrain, was +despatched to hurry them, and his orders were not to come back without +them. + +Handy, on his arrival at the inn, found the electors in bed, and all +the fires in the house employed in drying their clothes. The little man, +wrapped in a blanket, was superintending the cooking of his own +before the kitchen grate; there hung his garments on some cross sticks +suspended by a string, after the fashion of a roasting-jack, which +the small gentleman turned before a blazing turf fire; and beside +this contrivance of his swung a goodly joint of meat, which a bouncing +kitchen wench came over to baste now and then. + +Andy was answering some questions of the inquisitive little man, when +the kitchen maid, handing the basting-ladle to Andy, begged him to do +a good turn and just to baste the beef for her, for that her heart was +broke with all she had to do, cooking dinner for so many. + +Andy, always ready to oblige, consented, and plied the ladle actively +between the troublesome queries of the little man; but at last, getting +confused with some very crabbed questions put to him, Andy became +completely bothered, and lifting a brimming ladle of dripping, poured it +over the little man's coat instead of the beef. + +A roar from the proprietor of the clothes followed, and he implanted +a kick at such advantage upon Andy, that he upset him into the +dripping-pan; and Andy, in his fall, endeavouring to support himself, +caught at the suspended articles above him, and the clothes, and the +beef, and Andy, all swam in gravy. + +[Illustration: Andy's Cooking extraordinary] + + + + +CHAPTER XXV + + +While disaster and hubbub were rife below, the electors up-stairs +were holding a council whether it would not be better to send back the +“Honourable's” messenger to the town and request a supply of shoes, +which they had no other means of getting. The debate was of an odd sort; +they were all in their several beds at the time, and roared at each +other through their doors, which were purposely left open that they +might enjoy each other's conversation; number seven replied to number +three, and claimed respect to his arguments on the score of seniority; +the blue room was completely controverted by the yellow; and the +double-bedded room would, of course, have had superior weight in the +argument, only that everything it said was lost by the two honourable +members speaking together. The French king used to hold a council called +a “bed of justice,” in which neither justice nor a bed had anything to +do, so that this Irish conference better deserved the title than any +council the Bourbon ever assembled. The debate having concluded, and the +question being put and carried, the usher of the black counterpane was +desired to get out of bed, and, wrapped in the robe of office whence +he derived his title, to go down-stairs and call the “Honourable's” + messenger to the “bar of the house,” and there order him a pint of +porter, for refreshment after his ride; and forthwith to send him back +again to the town for a supply of shoes. + +The house was unanimous in voting the supplies. The usher reached the +kitchen and found Andy in his shirt sleeves, scraping the dripping from +his livery with an old knife, whose hackled edge considerably assisted +Andy's own ingenuity in the tearing of his coat in many places, while +the little man made no effort towards the repair of his garment, but +held it up before him, and regarded it with a piteous look. + +To the usher of the black counterpane's question, whether Andy was the +“Honourable's messenger,” Andy replied in the affirmative; but to the +desire expressed, that he would ride back to the town, Andy returned a +decided negative. + +“My ordhers is not to go back without you,” said Andy. + +“But we have no shoes,” said the usher; “and cannot go until we get +some.” + +“My ordher is not to go back without you.” + +“But if we can't go?” + +“Well, then, I can't go back, that's all,” said Andy. + +The usher, the landlord, and the landlady all hammered away at Andy for +a long time, in vain trying to convince him he ought to return, as he +was desired; still Andy stuck to the letter of his orders, and said he +often got into trouble for not doing _exactly_ what he was bid, and +that he was bid “not to go back without them, and he would not--so he +wouldn't--divil a fut.” + +At last, however, Andy was made to understand the propriety of riding +back to the town; and was desired to go as fast as his horse could carry +him, to gallop every foot of the way; but Andy did no such thing; he had +received a good thrashing once for being caught galloping his master's +horse on the road, and he had no intention of running the risk a second +time, because “_the stranger_” told him to do so. “What does he know +about it?” said Andy to himself; “'faith, it's fair and aisy I'll go, +and not disthress the horse to plaze any one.” So he went back his +ten miles at a reasonable pace only; and when he appeared without the +electors, a storm burst on poor Andy. + +“There! I knew how it would be,” said he, “and not my fault at all.” + +“Weren't you told not to return without them?” + +“But wait till I tell you how it was, sure;” and then Andy began an +account of the condition in which the voters lay at the inn but between +the impatience of those who heard, and the confused manner of Andy's +recital, it was some time before matters were explained; and then Andy +was desired to ride back to the inn again, to tell the electors shoes +should be forwarded after him in a post-chaise, and requesting their +utmost exertions in hastening over to the town, for that the election +was going against them. Andy returned to the inn; and this time, under +orders from head quarters, galloped in good earnest, and brought in his +horse smoking hot, and indicating lameness. The day was wearing apace, +and it was so late when the electors were enabled to start that the +polling-booths were closed before they could leave the town; and in many +of these booths the requisite number of electors had not been polled +that day to keep them open; so that the next day nearly all those +outlying electors, about whom there had been so much trouble and +expense, would be of no avail. Thus, Murphy's trick was quite +successful, and the poor pickled electors were driven back to their inn +in dudgeon. + +Andy, when he went to the stable to saddle his steed, for a return to +Neck-or-Nothing Hall, found him dead lame, so that to ride him better +than twelve miles home was impossible. Andy was obliged to leave him +where he was, and trudge it to the hall; for all the horses in Kelly's +stables were knocked up with their day's work. + +As it was shorter by four miles across the country than by the road, +Andy pursued the former course; and as he knew the country well, the +shades of evening, which were now closing round, did not deter him in +the least. Andy was not very fresh for the journey to be sure, for he +had ridden upwards of thirty miles that day, so the merry whistle, which +is so constantly heard from the lively Irish pedestrian, did not while +away the tedium of his walk. It was night when Andy was breasting up a +low ridge of hills, which lay between him and the end of his journey; +and when in silence and darkness he topped the ascent, he threw himself +on some heather to rest and take breath. His attention was suddenly +caught by a small blue flame, which flickered now and then on the face +of the hill, not very far from him; and Andy's fears of fairies and +goblins came crowding upon him thick and fast. He wished to rise, but +could not; his eye continued to be strained with the fascination of fear +in the direction he saw the fire, and sought to pierce the gloom through +which, at intervals, the small point of flame flashed brightly and sunk +again, making the darkness seem deeper. Andy lay in perfect stillness, +and in the silence, which was unbroken even by his own breathing, he +thought he heard voices underground. He trembled from head to foot, +for he was certain they were the voices of the fairies, whom he firmly +believed to inhabit the hills. + +“Oh! murdher, what'll I do?” thought Andy to himself: “sure I heerd +often, if once you were within the sound of their voices, you could +never get out o' their power. Oh! if I could only say a _pather_ and +_ave_, but I forget my prayers with the fright. Hail, Mary! The king +o' the fairies lives in these hills, I know--and his house is undher +me this minit, and I on the roof of it--I'll never get down again--I'll +never get down again--they'll make me slater to the fairies; and sure +enough I remember me, the hill is all covered with flat stones they call +fairy slates. Oh! I am ruined--God be praised!” Here he blessed himself, +and laid his head close to the earth. “Guardian angels--I hear their +voices singin' a dhrinking song--Oh! if I had a dhrop o' water myself, +for my mouth is as dhry as a lime-burner's wig--and I on the top o' +their house--see--there's the little blaze again--I wondher is their +chimbley afire--Oh! murther, I'll die o' thirst--Oh! if I had only +one dhrop o' wather--I wish it would rain or hail--Hail, Mary, full o' +grace--whisht! what's that?” Andy crouched lower than before, as he saw +a figure rise from the earth, and attain a height which Andy computed +to be something about twenty feet; his heart shrank to the size of a +nut-shell, as he beheld the monster expand to his full dimensions; and +at the same moment, a second, equally large, emerged from the ground. + +Now, as fairies are notoriously little people, Andy changed his opinion +of the parties into whose power he had fallen, and saw clearly they were +giants, not fairies, of whom he was about to become the victim. He +would have ejaculated a prayer for mercy, had not terror rendered him +speechless, as the remembrance of all the giants he had ever heard of, +from the days of Jack and the Bean-stalk down, came into his head; but +though his sense of speaking was gone, that of hearing was painfully +acute, and he heard one of the giants say-- + +“That pot is not big enough.” + +“Oh! it howlds as much as we want,” replied the other. + +“O Lord,” thought Andy; “they've got their pot ready for cooking.” + +“What keeps him?” said the first giant. + +“Oh! he's not far off,” said the second. + +A clammy shivering came over Andy. + +“I'm hungry,” said the first, and he hiccupped as he spoke. + +“It's only a false appetite you have,” said the second, “you're drunk.” + +This was a new light to Andy, for he thought giants were too strong to +get drunk. “I could ate a young child, without parsley and butther,” + said the drunken giant. Andy gave a faint spasmodic kick. + +“And it's as hot as ---- down there,” said the giant. + +Andy trembled at the horrid word he heard. + +“No wonder,” said the second giant; “for I can see the flame popping out +at the top of the chimbley; that's bad: I hope no one will see it, or +it might give them warning. Bad luck to that young divil for making the +fire so sthrong.” + +What a dreadful hearing this was for Andy: young devils to make their +fires; there was no doubt what place they were dwelling in. “Thunder and +turf!” said the drunken giant; “I wish I had a slice of--” + +Andy did not hear what he wished a slice of, for the night wind +swept across the heath at the moment, and carried away the monster's +disgusting words on its pure breath. + +“Well, I'd rather have--” said the other giant; and again Andy lost what +his atrocious desires were--“than all the other slices in the world. +What a lovely round shoulder she has, and the nice round ankle of her--” + +The word “ankle” showed at once it was a woman of whom he spoke, and +Andy shuddered. “The monsters! to eat a woman.” + +“What a fool you are to be in love,” said the drunken giant with several +hiccups, showing the increase of his inebriation. + +“Is that what the brutes call love,” thought Andy, “to ate a woman?” + +“I wish she was bone of my bone and flesh of my flesh,” said the second +giant. Of this speech Andy heard only “bone” and “flesh,” and had great +difficulty in maintaining the serenity of his diaphragm. + +The conversation of the giants was now more frequently interrupted by +the wind which was rising, and only broken sentences reached Andy, whose +senses became clearer the longer he remained in a state of safety; +at last he heard the name of Squire Egan distinctly pass between the +giants. + +“So they know Squire Egan,” thought Andy. + +The first giant gave a drunken laugh at the mention of Squire Egan's +name, and exclaimed-- + +“Don't be afraid of him (_hiccup_); I have him undher my thumb +(_hiccup_). I can crush him when I plase.” + +“O! my poor owld masther!” mentally ejaculated Andy. + +Another break in their conversation occurred, and the next name Andy +overheard was “O'Grady.” + +“The big bully!” said the second giant. + +“They know the whole country,” thought Andy. + +“But tell me, what was that you said to him at the election?” said the +drunken one. + +The word “election” recalled Andy to the business of this earth back +again; and it struck upon his hitherto bewildered sensorium that giants +could have nothing to do with elections, and he knew he never saw +them there; and, as the thought struck him, it seemed as if the giants +diminished in size, and did not appear _quite_ so big. + +“Sure you know,” said the second. + +“Well, I'd like to hear it again,” said the drunken one (_hiccup_). + +“The big bully says to me, 'Have you a lease?' says he; 'No,' says I; +'but I have an article!' 'What article?' says he; 'It's a fine brass +blunderbuss,' says I, 'and _I'd like to see the man would dispute the +title!_'” + +The drunken listener chuckled, and the words broke the spell of +supernatural terror which had hung over Andy; he knew, by the words of +the speaker, it was the bully joker of the election was present, +who browbeat O'Grady and out-quibbled the agent about the oath of +allegiance; and the voice of the other he soon recognised for that of +Larry Hogan. So now his giants were diminished into mortal men--the pot, +which had been mentioned to the terror of his soul, was for the making +of whisky instead of human broth--and the “hell” he thought his giants +inhabited was but a private still. Andy felt as if a mountain had been +lifted from his heart when he found it was but mortals he had to deal +with; for Andy was not deficient in courage when it was but thews +and sinews like his own he had to encounter. He still lay concealed, +however, for smugglers might not wish their private haunt to be +discovered, and it was possible Andy would be voted one too many in the +company should he announce himself; and with such odds as two to one +against him he thought he had better be quiet. Besides, his curiosity +became excited when he found them speaking of his old master, Egan, and +his present one, O'Grady; and as a woman had been alluded to, and odd +words caught up here and there, he became anxious to hear more of their +conversation. + +“So you're in love,” said Larry, with a hiccup, to our friend of the +blunderbuss; “ha! ha! ha! you big fool.” + +“Well, you old thief, don't you like a purty girl yourself?” + +“I did, when I was young and foolish.” + +“'Faith, then, you're young and foolish at that rate yet, for you're a +rogue with the girls, Larry,” said the other, giving him a slap on the +back. + +“Not I! not I!” said Larry, in a manner expressive of his not being +displeased with the charge of gallantry; “he! he! he!--how do you know, +eh?” (_Hiccup_.) “Sure, I know myself; but as I wos telling you, if I +could only lay howld of--” here his voice became inaudible to Andy, and +the rest of the sentence was lost. + +Andy's curiosity was great. “Who could the girl be?” + +“And you'd carry her off?” said Larry. + +“I would,” said the other; “I'm only afraid o' Squire Egan.” + +At this announcement of the intention of “carrying her off,” coupled +with the fear of “Squire Egan,” Andy's anxiety to hear the name of the +person became so intense that he crawled cautiously a little nearer to +the speakers. + +“I tell you again,” said Larry, “I can settle _him_ aisy +(_hiccup_)--he's undher my thumb (_hiccup_).” + +“Be aisy,” said the other, contemptuously, who thought this was a mere +drunken delusion of Larry's. + +“I tell you I'm his masther!” said Larry, with a drunken flourish of his +arm; and he continued bragging of his power over the Squire in various +ejaculations, the exact meaning of which our friend of the blunderbuss +could not fathom, but Andy heard enough to show him that the discovery +of the post-office affair was what Larry alluded to. + +That Larry, a close, cunning, circumventing rascal, should so far betray +the source of his power over Egan may seem strange; but be it remembered +Larry was drunk, a state of weakness which his caution generally guarded +him from falling into, but which being in, his foible was bragging of +his influence, and so running the risk of losing it. + +The men continued to talk together for some time, and the tenour of the +conversation was, that Larry assured his companion he might carry off +the girl without fear of Egan, but her name Andy could not discover. His +own name he heard more than once, and voluptuous raptures poured forth +about lovely lips and hips and ankles from the herculean knight of the +blunderbuss, amidst the maudlin admiration and hiccups of Larry, who +continued to brag of his power, and profess his readiness to stand by +his friend in carrying off the girl. + +“Then,” said the Hercules, with an oath, “I'll soon have you in my arms, +my lovely--” + +The name was lost again. + +Their colloquy was now interrupted by the approach of a man and woman, +the former being the person for whose appearance Larry made so many +inquiries when he first appeared to Andy as the hungry giant; the other +was the sister of the knight of the blunderbuss. Larry having hiccupped +his anger against the man for making them wait so long for the bacon, +the woman said he should not wait longer without his supper now, +for that she would go down and fry the rashers immediately. She then +disappeared through the ground, and the men all followed. + +Andy drew his breath freely once more, and with caution raised himself +gradually from the ground with a careful circumspection, lest any of the +subterranean community might be watchers on the hill; and when he was +satisfied he was free from observation, he stole away from the spot +with stealthy steps for about twenty paces, and there, as well as the +darkness would permit, after taking such landmarks as would help him to +retrace his way to the still, if requisite, he dashed down the hill at +the top of his speed. This pace he did not moderate until he had placed +nearly a mile between him and the scene of his adventure; he then paced +slowly to regain his breath. His head was in a strange whirl; mischief +was threatened against some one of whose name he was ignorant; Squire +Egan was declared to be in the power of an old rascal; this grieved Andy +most of all, for he felt _he_ was the cause of his old master's dilemma. + +“Oh! to think I should bring him into trouble,” said Andy, “the kind +and good masther he was to me ever, and I live to tell it like a +blackguard--throth I'd rather be hanged any day than the masther would +come to throuble--maybe if I gave myself up and was hanged like a man +at once, that would settle it; 'faith, if I thought it would, I'd do it +sooner than Squire Egan should come to throuble!” and poor Andy spoke +just what he felt. “Or would it do to kill that blackguard Hogan? _sure +they could do no more than hang me afther_, and that would save the +masther, and be all one to me, for they often towld me I'd be hanged. +[1] But then there's my sowl,” said Andy, and he paused at the +thought--, “if they hanged me for the letthers, it would be only for a +mistake, and sure then I'd have a chance o' glory; for sure I might go +to glory through a mistake; but if I killed a man on purpose, sure it +would be slappin' the gates of Heaven in my own face. Faix, I'll spake +to Father Blake about it.” [2] + +[1][Footnote: How often has the sanguinary penal code of past years +suggested this reflection and provoked the guilt it was meant to +awe! Happily, now our laws are milder, and more protective from their +mildness.] + +[2][Footnote: In the foregoing passage, Andy stumbles on uttering a +quaint pleasantry, for it is partly true as well as droll--the notion of +a man gaining Paradise through a mistake. Our intentions too seldom lead +us there, but rather tend the other way, for a certain place is said +to be paved with “good” ones, and surely “bad” ones would not lead us +upwards. Then the phrase of a man “slapping the gates of Heaven in his +own face,” is one of those wild poetic figures of speech in which +the Irish peasantry often indulge. The phrase “slapping the door” is +every-day and common; but when applied to “the gates of Heaven,” and +“in a man's own face,” the common phrase becomes fine. But how often +the commonest things become poetry by the fitness of their application, +though poetasters and people of small minds think greatness of thought +lies in big words.] + + + + +CHAPTER XXVI + + +The following day was that eventful one which should witness the return +of either Edward Egan, Esq., or the Honourable Sackville Scatterbrain as +member for the county. There was no doubt in any reasonable man's mind +as to the real majority of Egan, but the numbers were sufficiently close +to give the sheriff an opportunity of doing a bit of business to +oblige his friends, and therefore he declared the Honourable Sackville +Scatterbrain duly elected. Great was the uproar; the people hissed, +and hooted, and groaned, for which the Honourable Sackville very +good-naturedly returned them his thanks. Murphy snapped his fingers in +the sheriff's face, and told them his honourable friend should not long +remain member, for that he must be unseated on petition, and that he +would prove the return most corrupt, with which words he again snapped +his fingers in the sheriff's face. + +The sheriff threatened to read the riot act if such conduct was +repeated. + +Egan took off his hat, and thanked him for his _honourable, upright, +and impartial_ conduct, whereupon all Egan's friends took off their hats +also, and made profound bows to the functionary, and then laughed most +uproariously. Counter laughs were returned from the opposite party, who +begged to remind the Eganites of the old saying, “that they might laugh +who win.” A cross-fire of sarcasms was kept up amidst the two parties +as they were crushing forward out of the courthouse; and at the door, +before entering his carriage, Scatterbrain very politely addressed Egan, +and trusted that, though they had met as rivals on the hustings, they +nevertheless parted friends, and expressing the highest respect for the +squire, offered his hand in amity. + +Egan, equally good-hearted as his opponent, shook his hand cordially; +declaring he attributed to him none of the blame which attached to other +persons. “Besides, my dear sir,” said Egan, laughing, “I should be a +very ill-natured person to grudge you so small an indulgence as being +member of parliament _for a month or so_.” + +Scatterbrain returned the laugh, good-humouredly, and replied that, “at +all events, he _had_ the seat.” + +“Yes, my dear sir,” said Egan, “and make the most of it _while_ you +have it. In short, I shall owe you an obligation when I go over to St. +Stephen's, for you will have just _aired my seat_ for me--good bye.” + +They parted with smiles, and drove to their respective homes; but as +even doubtful possession is preferable to expectation for the time +being, it is certain that Neck-or-Nothing Hall rang with more merriment +that night on the reality of the present, than Merryvale did on the hope +of the future. + +Even O'Grady, as he lay with his wounded arm on the sofa, found more +healing in the triumph of the hour than from all the medicaments of the +foregoing week, and insisted on going down-stairs and joining the party +at supper. + +“Gusty, dear,” said his wife, “you know the doctor said--” + +“Hang the doctor!” + +“Your arm, my love.” + +“I wish you'd leave off pitying my arm, and have some compassion on my +stomach.” + +“The doctor said--” + +“There are oysters in the house; I'll do myself more good by the use of +an oyster-knife than all the lancets in the College of Surgeons.” + +“But your wound, dear?” + +“Are they Carlingfords or Poldoodies?” + +“So fresh, love.” + +“So much the better.” + +“Your wound I mean, dear?” + +“Nicely opened.” + +“Only dressed an hour ago?” + +“With some mustard, pepper, and vinegar.” + +“Indeed, Gusty, if you take my advice--” + +“I'd rather have oysters any day.” + +O'Grady sat up on the sofa as he spoke and requested his wife to say no +more about the matter, but put on his cravat. While she was getting it +from his wardrobe, his mind wandered from supper to the pension, +which he looked upon as secure now that Scatterbrain was returned; and +oyster-banks gave place to the Bank of Ireland, which rose in a pleasing +image before O'Grady's imagination. The wife now returned with the +cravat, still dreading the result of eating to her husband, and her mind +occupied wholly with the thought of supper, while O'Grady was wrapt in +visions of a pension. + +“You won't take it, Gusty, dear,” said his wife with all the insinuation +of manner she could command. + +“Won't I, 'faith?” said O'Grady. “Maybe you think I don't want it?” + +“Indeed, I don't, dear.” + +“Are you mad, woman? Is it taking leave of the few senses you ever had +you are?” + +“'T won't agree with you.” + +“Won't it? just wait till I'm tried.” + +“Well, love, how much do you expect to be allowed?” + +“Why I can't expect much just yet--we must begin gently--feel the pulse +first; but I should hope, by way of start, that six or seven hundred--” + +“Gracious Heaven!” exclaimed his wife, dropping the cravat from her +hands. “What the devil is the woman shouting at?” said O'Grady. + +“Six or seven hundred!!!” exclaimed Mrs. O'Grady; “my dear, there's not +as much in the house.” + +“No, nor has not been for many a long day; I know that as well as you,” + said O'Grady; “but I hope we shall get as much for all that.” + +“My dear, where could you get them?” asked the wife, timidly, who began +to think his head was a little light. + +“From the treasury, to be sure.” + +“The treasury, my dear?” said the wife, still at fault; “how could you +get oysters from the treasury?” + +“Oysters!” exclaimed O'Grady, whose turn it was now to wonder, “who +talks of oysters?” + +“My dear, I thought you said you'd eat six or seven hundred of oysters!” + +“Pooh! pooh! woman; it is of the pension I'm talking--six or seven +hundred pounds--pounds--cash--per annum; now I suppose you'll put on my +cravat. I think a man may be allowed to eat his supper who expects six +hundred a year.” + +A great many people besides O'Grady order suppers, and dinners too, on +the expectation of less than six hundred a year. Perhaps there is no +more active agent for sending people into the Insolvent Court than the +aforesaid “_expectation_.” + +O'Grady went down-stairs, and was heartily welcomed by Scatterbrain on +his re-appearance from his sick-room; but Mrs. O'Grady suggested that, +for fear any excess would send him back there for a longer time, a +very moderate indulgence at the table should suffice. She begged the +honourable member to back her argument, which he did; and O'Grady +promised temperance, but begged the immediate appearance of the oysters, +for he experienced that eager desire which delicate health so often +prompts for some particular food. + +Andy was laying the table at the time, and was ordered to expedite +matters as much as possible. + +“Yis, ma'am.” + +“You're sure the oysters are all good, Andy?” + +“Sartin, ma'am.” + +“Because the last oysters you know--” + +“Oh, yis, ma'am--were bad, ma'am--bekase they had their mouths all open. +I remember, ma'am; but when I'm towld a thing once, I never forget it +again; and you towld me when they opened their mouths once they were no +good. So you see, ma'am, I'll never bring up bad oysthers again, ma'am.” + +“Very good, Andy; and you have kept them in a cool place, I hope.” + +“Faix, they're cowld enough where I put them, ma'am.” + +“Very well; bring them up at once.” + +Off went Andy, and returned with all the haste he could with a large +dish heaped up with oysters. + +O'Grady rubbed his hands with the impatience of a true lover of the +crustaceous delicacy, and Scatterbrain, eager to help him, flourished +his oyster-knife; but before he had time to commence operations the +olfactory nerves of the company gave evidence that the oysters were +rather suspicious; every one began sniffing, and a universal “Oh dear!” + ran round the table. + +“Don't you smell it, Furlong?” said Scatterbrain, who was so lost in +looking at Augusta's mustachios that he did not mind anything else. + +“Isn't it horrid?” said O'Grady, with a look of disgust. + +Furlong thought he alluded to the mustachio, and replied with an +assurance that he “liked it of all things.” + +“Like it?” said O'Grady; “you've a queer taste. What do _you_ think of +it, miss?” added he to Augusta, “it's just under your nose.” Furlong +thought this rather personal, even from a father. + +“I'll try my knife on one,” said Scatterbrain, with a flourish of the +oyster-knife, which Furlong thought resembled the preliminary trial of a +barber's razor. + +Furlong thought this worse than O'Grady; but he hesitated to reply to +his chief, and an _honourable_ into the bargain. + +In the meantime, Scatterbrain opened an oyster, which Furlong, in his +embarrassment and annoyance, did not perceive. + +“Cut off the beard,” said O'Grady, “I don't like it.” + +This nearly made Furlong speak, but, considering O'Grady's temper +and ill-health, he hesitated, till he saw Augusta rubbing her eye, in +consequence of a small splinter of the oyster-shell having struck it +from Scatterbrain's mismanagement of his knife; but Furlong thought she +was crying, and then he could be silent no longer; he went over to where +she sat, and with a very affectionate demonstration in his action, said, +“Never mind them, dear Gussy--never mind--don't cwy--I love her dear +little moustachios, I do.” He gave a gentle pat on the back of the neck +as he spoke, and it was returned by an uncommonly smart box on the ear +from the young lady, and the whole party looked thunderstruck. “Dear +Gussy” cried for spite, and stamped her way out of the room, followed by +Furlong. + +“Let them go,” said O'Grady; “they'll make it up outside.” + +“These oysters are all bad,” said Scatterbrain. + +O'Grady began to swear at his disappointment--he had set his heart on +oysters. Mrs. O'Grady rang the bell--Andy appeared. + +“How dare you bring up such oysters as these?” roared O'Grady. + +“The misthris ordhered them, sir.” + +“I told you never to bring up bad oysters,” said she. + +“Them's not bad, ma'am,” said Andy, + +“Have you a nose?” says O'Grady. + +“Yes, sir.” + +“And can't you smell them, then?” + +“Faix, I smelt them for the last three days, sir.” + +“And how could you say they were good, then?” asked his mistress. + +“Sure you tould me, ma'am, that if they didn't open their mouths they +were good, and I'll be on my book oath them oysters never opened their +mouths since I had them, for I laid them on a coolflag in the kitchen +and put the jack-weight over them.” + +Notwithstanding O'Grady's rage, Scatterbrain could not help roaring with +laughter at Andy's novel contrivance for keeping oysters fresh. Andy +was desired to take the “ancient and fish-like smell” out of the room, +amidst jeers and abuse; and, as he fumbled his way to the kitchen in +the dark, lamenting the hard fate of servants, who can never give +satisfaction, though they do everything they are bid, he went head over +heels down-stairs, which event was reported to the whole house as soon +as it happened, by the enormous clatter of the broken dish, the oysters, +and Andy, as they all rolled one over the other to the bottom. + +O'Grady, having missed the cool supper he intended, and had longed for, +was put into a rage by the disappointment; and as hunger with O'Grady +was only to be appeased by broiled bones, accordingly, against all the +endeavours of everybody, the bells rang violently through the house, and +the ogre-like cry of “broiled bones!” resounded high and low. + +The reader is sufficiently well acquainted with O'Grady by this time to +know, that of course, when once he had determined to have his broiled +bone, nothing on the face of the earth could prevent it but the want +of anything to broil, or the immediate want of his teeth; and as his +masticators were in order, and something in the house which could carry +mustard and pepper, the invalid primed and loaded himself with as much +combustible matter as exploded in a fever the next day. + +The supper-party, however, in the hope of getting him to bed, separated +soon; and as Scatterbrain and Furlong were to start early in the morning +for Dublin, the necessity of their retiring to rest was pleaded. The +honourable member had not been long in his room when he heard a tap at +his door, and his order to “come in” was followed by the appearance of +Handy Andy. + +“I found somethin' on the road nigh the town to-day, sir, and I thought +it might be yours, maybe,” said Andy, producing a small pocket-book. + +The honourable member disavowed the ownership. + +“Well, there's something else I want to speak to your honour about.” + +“What is it, Handy?” + +“I want your honour to see the account of the money your honour gave me +that I spint at the _shebeen_ [Footnote: Low publick house.] upon the +'lecthors that couldn't be accommodated at Mrs. Fay's.” + +“Oh! never mind it, Andy; if there's anything over, keep it yourself.” + +“Thank your honour, but I must make the account all the same, if +you plaze, for I'm going to Father Blake, to my duty, [Footnote: +Confession.] soon, and I must have my conscience as clear as I can, and +I wouldn't like to be keeping money back.” + +“But if I give you the money, what matter?” + +“I'd rather you'd just look over this little bit of a count, if you +plaze,” said Andy, producing a dirty piece of paper, with some nearly +inscrutable hieroglyphics upon it. Scatterbrain commenced an examination +of this literary phenomenon from sheer curiosity, asking Andy at the +same time if _he_ wrote it. + +“Yis, sir,” said Andy; “but you see the man couldn't keep the count of +the piper's dhrink at all, it was so confusin', and so I was obliged to +pay him for that every time the piper dhrunk, and keep it separate, and +the 'lecthors that got their dinner afther the bill was made out I put +down myself too, and that's it you see, sir, both ating and dhrinkin'.” + + To Dhrinkin A blind piper everry day + wan and in Pens six dais 0 16 6 + To atein four Tin Illikthurs And Thare 1 8 8 + horses on Chewsdai 0 14 0 + --------- + Toe til 2 19 4 + Lan lord Bil For All Be four 7 17 8-1/2 + --------- + 10 18 12-1/2 + +“Then I owe you money, instead of your having a balance in hand, Andy,” + said the member. + +“Oh, no matter, your honour; it's not for that I showed you the +account.” + +“It's very like it, though,” said Scatterbrain, laughing; “here, Andy, +here are a couple of pounds for you, take them, Andy--take it and be +off; your bill is worth the money,” and Scatterbrain closed the door on +the great accountant. + +Andy next went to Furlong's room, to know if the pocket-book belonged +to him; it did not, but Furlong, though he disclaimed the ownership, had +that small curiosity which prompts little minds to pry into what does +not belong to them, and taking the pocket-book into his hands, he opened +it, and fumbled over its leaves; in the doing of which a small piece of +folded paper fell from one of the pockets unnoticed by the impertinent +inquisitor or Andy, to whom he returned the book when he had gratified +his senseless curiosity. Andy withdrew, Furlong retired to rest; and as +it was in the grey of an autumnal morning he dressed himself, the paper +still remained unobserved: so that the housemaid, on setting the room +to rights, found it, and fancying Miss Augusta was the proper person to +confide Mr. Furlong's stray papers to, she handed that young lady the +manuscript which bore the following copy of verses:-- + +I CAN NE'ER FORGET THEE + +I + + It is the chime, the hour draws near + When you and I must sever; + Alas, it must be many a year, + And it _may_ be for ever! + How long till we shall meet again! + How short since first I met thee! + How brief the bliss--how long the pain-- + For I can ne'er forget thee. + +II + + You said my heart was cold and stern; + You doubted love when strongest: + In future days you'll live to learn + Proud hearts can love the longest. + Oh! sometimes think, when press'd to hear, + When flippant tongues beset thee, + That _all_ must love thee, when thou'rt near, + But _one_ will ne'er forget thee! + +III + + The changeful sand doth only know + The shallow tide and latest; + The rocks have mark'd its highest flow, + The deepest and the greatest; + And deeper still the flood-marks grow:-- + So, since the hour I met thee, + The more the tide of time doth flow, + The less can I forget thee! + +When Augusta saw the lines, she was charmed. She discovered her Furlong +to be a poet! That the lines were his there was no doubt--they were +_found in his room,_ and of course they _must_ be his, just as partial +critics say certain Irish airs must be English, because they are to be +found in Queen Elizabeth's music-book. + +Augusta was so charmed with the lines that she amused herself for a long +time in hiding them under the sofa-cushion and making her pet dog find +and fetch them. Her pleasure, however, was interrupted by her sister +Charlotte remarking, when the lines were shown to her in triumph, that +the writing was not Furlong's, but in a lady's hand. + +Even as beer is suddenly soured by thunder, so the electric influence +of Charlotte's words converted all Augusta had been brewing to acidity; +jealousy stung her like a wasp, and she boxed her dog's ears as he was +barking for another run with the verses. + +“A _lady's_ hand?” said Augusta, snatching the paper from her sister; “I +declare if it ain't! the wretch--so he receives lines from ladies.” + +“I think I know the hand, too,” said Charlotte. + +“You do?” exclaimed Augusta, with flashing eyes. + +“Yes, I'm certain it is Fanny Dawson's writing.” + +“So it is,” said Augusta, looking at the paper as if her eyes could have +burnt it; “to be sure--he was there before he came here.” + +“Only for two days,” said Charlotte, trying to slake the flame she had +raised. + +“But I've heard that girl always makes conquests at first sight,” + returned Augusta, half crying; “and what do I see here? some words in +pencil.” + +The words were so faint as to be scarcely perceptible, but Augusta +deciphered them; they were written on the margin, beside a circumflex +which embraced the last four lines of the second verse, so that it stood +thus:-- + +[Sidenote: Dearest, I will.] + + Oh! sometimes think, when press'd to hear, + When flippant tongues beset thee, + That _all_ must love thee when thou'rt near, + But _one_ will ne'er forget thee! + +“Will you, indeed?” said Augusta, crushing the paper in her hand, and +biting it; “but I must not destroy it--I must keep it to prove his +treachery to his face.” She threw herself on the sofa as she spoke, and +gave vent to an outpour of spiteful tears. + + + + +CHAPTER XXVII + + +How many chapters have been written about love verses--and how many +more might be written!--might, would, could, should, or ought to be +written!--I will venture to say, _will_ be written! I have a mind to +fulfil my own prophecy and write one myself; but no--my story must go +on. However, I _will_ say, that it is quite curious in how many ways the +same little bit of paper may influence different people: the poem whose +literary merit may be small becomes precious when some valued hand has +transcribed the lines; and the verses whose measure and meaning viewed +in type might win favour and yield pleasure, shoot poison from their +very sweetness, when read in some particular hand and under particular +circumstances. It was so with the copy of verses Augusta had just +read--they were Fanny Dawson's manuscript--that was certain--and found +in the room of Augusta's lover; therefore Augusta was wretched. But +these same lines had given exquisite pleasure to another person, who was +now nearly as miserable as Augusta in having lost them. It is possible +the reader guesses that person to be Edward O'Connor, for it was he who +had lost the pocket-book in which those (to him) precious lines were +contained; and if the little case had held all the bank-notes he ever +owned in his life, their loss would have been regarded less than that +bit of manuscript, which had often yielded _him_ the most exquisite +pleasure, and was now inflicting on Augusta the bitterest anguish. To +make this intelligible to the reader, it is necessary to explain under +what circumstances the lines were written. At one time, Edward, doubting +the likelihood of making his way at home, was about to go to India and +push his fortunes there; and at that period, those lines, breathing of +farewell--implying the dread of rivals during absence--and imploring +remembrance of his eternal love, were written and given to Fanny; and +she, with that delicacy of contrivance so peculiarly a woman's, hit upon +the expedient of copying his own verses and sending them to him in her +writing, as an indication that the spirit of the lines was her own. + +But Edward saw that his father, who was advanced in years, looked upon a +separation from his son as an eternal one, and the thought gave so +much pain, that Edward gave up the idea of expatriation. Shortly after, +however, the misunderstanding with Major Dawson took place, and Fanny +and Edward were as much severed as if dwelling in different zones. Under +such circumstances, those lines were peculiarly precious, and many a +kiss had Edward impressed upon them, though Augusta thought them fitter +for the exercise of her teeth than her lips. In fact, Edward did little +else than think of Fanny; and it is possible his passion might have +degenerated into mere love-sickness, and enfeebled him, had not +his desire of proving himself worthy of his mistress spurred him to +exertion, in the hope of future distinction. But still the tone of +tender lament pervaded all his poems, and the same pocket-book whence +the verses which caused so much commotion fell contained the following +also, showing how entirely Fanny possessed his heart and occupied his +thoughts:-- + +WHEN THE SUN SINKS TO REST + +I + + When the sun sinks to rest, + And the star of the west + Sheds its soft silver light o'er the sea; + What sweet thoughts arise, + As the dim twilight dies-- + For then I am thinking of thee! + Oh! then crowding fast + Come the joys of the past, + Through the dimness of days long gone by, + Like the stars peeping out, + Through the darkness about, + From the soft silent depth of the sky. + +II + + And thus, as the night + Grows more lovely and bright + With the clust'ring of planet and star, + So this darkness of mine + Wins a radiance divine + From the light that still lingers afar. + Then welcome the night, + With its soft holy light! + In its silence my heart is more free + The rude world to forget, + Where no pleasure I've met + Since the hour that I parted from thee. + +But we must leave love verses, and ask pardon for the few remarks which +the subject tempted, and pursue our story. + +The first prompting of Augusta's anger, when she had recovered her burst +of passion, was to write “_such a letter_” to Furlong--and she spent +half a day at the work; but she could not please herself--she tore +twenty at least, and determined, at last, not to write at all, but just +wait till he returned and overwhelm him with reproaches. But, though she +could not compose a letter, she composed herself by the endeavour, which +acted as a sort of safety-valve to let off the superabundant steam; +and it is wonderful how general is this result of sitting down to +write angry letters: people vent themselves of their spleen on the +uncomplaining paper, which silently receives words a listener would not. +With a pen for our second, desperate satisfaction is obtained with only +an effusion of ink, and when once the pent-up bitterness has oozed out +in all the blackness of that fluid--most appropriately made of the best +galls--the time so spent, and the “letting of words,” if I may use the +phrase, has cooled our judgment and our passions together; and the +first letter is torn: 't is _too_ severe; we write a second; we blot and +interline till it is nearly illegible; we begin a third; till at last we +are tired out with our own angry feelings, and throw our scribbling by +with a “Pshaw! what's the use of it?” or, “It's not worth my notice;” + or, still better, arrive at the conclusion, that we preserve our own +dignity best by writing without temper, though we may be called upon to +be severe. + +Furlong at this time was on his road to Dublin in happy unconsciousness +of Augusta's rage against him, and planning what pretty little present +he should send her specially, for his head was naturally running on such +matters, as he had quantities of commissions to execute in the millinery +line for Mrs. O'Grady, who thought it high time to be getting up +Augusta's wedding-dresses, and Andy was to be despatched the following +day to Dublin to take charge of a cargo of bandboxes back from that city +to Neck-or-Nothing Hall. Furlong had received a thousand charges from +the ladies, “to be sure to lose no time” in doing his devoir in their +behalf, and he obeyed so strictly, and was so active in laying milliners +and mercers under contributions, that Andy was enabled to start the day +after his arrival, sorely against Andy's will, for he would gladly have +remained amidst the beauty and grandeur and wonders of Dublin, which +struck him dumb for the day he was amongst them, but gave him food for +conversation for many a day after. Furlong, after racking his invention +about the souvenir to his “dear Gussy,” at length fixed on a fan, as the +most suitable gift; for Gussy had been quizzed at home about “blushing,” + and all that sort of thing, and the puerile perceptions of the _attache_ +saw something very smart in sending her wherewith “to hide her blushes.” + Then the fan was the very pink of fans; it had quivers and arrows upon +it, and bunches of hearts looped up in azure festoons, and doves perched +upon them; though Augusta's little sister, who was too young to know +what hearts and doves were, when she saw them for the first time, said +they were pretty little birds picking at apples. The fan was packed up +in a nice case, and then on scented note paper did the dear dandy +indite a bit of namby-pamby badinage to his fair one, which he thought +excessively clever:-- + +“DEAR DUCKY DARLING,--You know how naughty they are in quizzing you +about a little something, _I won't say what,_ you will guess, I dare +say--but I send you a little toy, _I won't say what,_ on which +Cupid might write this label after the doctor's fashion, 'To be used +occasionally, when the patient is much troubled with the symptoms.' + +“Ever, ever, ever yours, + +“P.S. Take care how you open it.” + +“J.F.” + +Such was the note that Handy Andy was given, with particular injunctions +to deliver it the first thing on his arrival at the Hall to Miss +Augusta, and to be sure to take most particular care of the little +case; all which Andy faithfully promised to do. But Andy's usual destiny +prevailed, and an unfortunate exchange of parcels quite upset all +Furlong's sweet little plan of his pretty present and his ingenious +note: for as Andy was just taking his departure, Furlong said he might +as well leave something for him at Reade's, the cutler, as he passed +through College Green, and he handed him a case of razors which wanted +setting, which Andy popped into his pocket, and as the fan case and that +of the razors were much of a size, and both folded up, Andy left the +fan at the cutler's and took the case of razors by way of present +to Augusta. Fancy the rage of a young lady with a very fine pair of +_moustachios_ getting such a souvenir from her lover, with a note, too, +every word of which applied to a beard and a razor, as patly as to a +blush and a fan--and this, too, when her jealousy was aroused and his +fidelity more than doubtful in her estimation. + +Great was the row in Neck-or-Nothing Hall; and when, after three days, +Furlong came down, the nature of his reception may be better imagined +than described. It was a difficult matter, through the storm which raged +around him, to explain all the circumstances satisfactorily, but, by +dint of hard work, the verses were at length disclaimed, the razors +disavowed, and Andy at last sent for to “clear matters up.” + +Andy was a hopeful subject for such a purpose, and by his blundering +answers nearly set them all by the ears again; the upshot of the affair +was, that Andy, used as he was to good scoldings, never had such a +torrent of abuse poured on him in his life, and the affair ended in +Andy being dismissed from Neck-or-Nothing Hall on the instant; so he +relinquished his greasy livery for his own rags again, and trudged +homewards to his mother's cabin. + +“She'll be as mad as a hatter with me,” said Andy; “bad luck to them for +razhirs, they cut me out o' my place: but I often heard cowld steel +is unlucky, and sure I know it now. Oh! but I'm always unfort'nate in +having cruked messages. Well, it can't be helped; and one good thing +at all events is, I'll have time enough now to go and spake to Father +Blake;” and with this sorry piece of satisfaction poor Andy contented +himself. + + + + +CHAPTER XXVIII + + +The Father Blake, of whom Andy spoke, was more familiarly known by the +name of Father Phil, by which title Andy himself would have named +him, had he been telling how Father Phil cleared a fair, or equally +“leathered” both the belligerent parties in a faction-fight, or turned +out the contents (or malcontents) of a public-house at an improper +hour; but when he spoke of his Reverence respecting ghostly matters, the +importance of the subject begot higher consideration for the man, and +the familiar “Father Phil” was dropped for the more respectful title +of Father Blake. By either title, or in whatever capacity, the +worthy Father had great influence over his parish, and there was a +free-and-easy way with him, even in doing the most solemn duties, which +agreed wonderfully with the devil-may-care spirit of Paddy. Stiff +and starched formality in any way is repugnant to the very nature of +Irishmen; and I believe one of the surest ways of converting all Ireland +from the Romish faith would be found, if we could only manage to have +her mass celebrated with the dry coldness of the Reformation. This may +seem ridiculous at first sight, and I grant it is a grotesque way of +viewing the subject, but yet there may be truth in it; and to consider +it for a moment seriously, look at the fact, that the north of Ireland +is the stronghold of Protestantism, and that the north is the _least_ +Irish portion of the island. There is a strong admixture of Scotch +there, and all who know the country will admit that there is nearly as +much difference between men from the north and south of Ireland as from +different countries. The Northerns retain much of the cold formality +and unbending hardness of the stranger-settlers from whom they are +descended, while the Southerns exhibit that warm-hearted, lively, and +poetical temperament for which the country is celebrated. The prevailing +national characteristics of Ireland are not to be found in the north, +where Protestantism flourishes; they are to be found in the south and +west, where it has never taken root. And though it has never seemed +to strike theologians, that in their very natures some people are more +adapted to receive one faith than another, yet I believe it to be true, +and perhaps not quite unworthy of consideration. There are forms, it is +true, and many in the Romish church, but they are not _cold_ forms, but +_attractive_ rather, to a sensitive people; besides, I believe those +very forms, when observed the least formally, are the most influential +on the Irish; and perhaps the splendours of a High Mass in the gorgeous +temple of the Holy City would appeal less to the affections of an Irish +peasant than the service he witnesses in some half-thatched ruin by a +lone hillside, familiarly hurried through by a priest who has sharpened +his appetite by a mountain ride of some fifteen miles, and is +saying mass (for the third time most likely) before breakfast, which +consummation of his morning's exercise he is anxious to arrive at. + +It was just in such a chapel, and under such circumstances, that Father +Blake was celebrating the mass at which Andy was present, and after +which he hoped to obtain a word of advice from the worthy Father, +who was much more sought after on such occasions than his more sedate +superior who presided over the spiritual welfare of the parish--and +whose solemn celebration of the mass was by no means so agreeable as the +lighter service of Father Phil. The Rev. Dominick Dowling was +austere and long-winded; _his_ mass had an oppressive effect on his +congregation, and from the kneeling multitude might be seen eyes +fearfully looking up from under bent brows, and low breathings and +subdued groans often rose above the silence of his congregation, who +felt like sinners, and whose imaginations were filled with the thoughts +of Heaven's anger; while the good-humoured face of the light-hearted +Father Phil produced a corresponding brightness on the looks of his +hearers, who turned up their whole faces in trustfulness to the mercy of +that Heaven whose propitiatory offering their pastor was making for them +in cheerful tones, which associated well with thoughts of pardon and +salvation. + +Father Dominick poured forth his spiritual influence like a strong dark +stream that swept down the hearer--hopelessly struggling to keep his +head above the torrent, and dreading to be overwhelmed at the next +word. Father Phil's religion bubbled out like a mountain rill--bright, +musical, and refreshing. Father Dominick's people had decidedly need of +cork jackets; Father Phil's might drink and be refreshed. + +But with all this intrinsic worth, he was, at the same time, a strange +man in exterior manners; for, with an abundance of real piety, he had +an abruptness of delivery and a strange way of mixing up an occasional +remark to his congregation in the midst of the celebration of the mass, +which might well startle a stranger; but this very want of formality +made him beloved by the people, and they would do ten times as much for +Father Phil as for Father Dominick. + +On the Sunday in question, when Andy attended the chapel, Father Phil +intended delivering an address to his flock from the altar, urging them +to the necessity of bestirring themselves in the repairs of the chapel, +which was in a very dilapidated condition, and at one end let in the +rain through its worn-out thatch. A subscription was necessary; and +to raise this among a very impoverished people was no easy matter. The +weather happened to be unfavourable, which was most favourable to Father +Phil's purpose, for the rain dropped its arguments through the roof upon +the kneeling people below in the most convincing manner; and as they +endeavoured to get out of the wet, they pressed round the altar as +much as they could, for which they were reproved very smartly by +his Reverence in the very midst of the mass, and these interruptions +occurred sometimes in the most serious places, producing a ludicrous +effect, of which the worthy Father was quite unconscious in his great +anxiety to make the people repair the chapel. + +A big woman was elbowing her way towards the rails of the altar, +and Father Phil, casting a sidelong glance at her, sent her to the +right-about, while he interrupted his appeal to Heaven to address her +thus:--_“Agnus Dei_--you'd better jump over the rails of the althar, I +think. Go along out o' that, there's plenty o' room in the chapel below +there.” + +Then he would turn to the altar, and proceed with the service, till +turning again to the congregation he perceived some fresh offender. + +_“Orate, fratres!_--will you mind what I say to you and go along out of +that? there's room below there. Thrue for you, Mrs. Finn--it's a shame +for him to be thramplin' on you. Go along, Darby Casy, down there, and +kneel in the rain; it's a pity you haven't a dacent woman's cloak undher +you indeed!--_Orate, fratres!_” + +Then would the service proceed again, and while he prayed in silence at +the altar, the shuffling of feet edging out of the rain would disturb +him, and casting a backward glance, he would say-- + +“I hear you there--can't you be quiet and not be disturbin' the mass, +you haythens?” + +Again he proceeded in silence, till the crying of a child interrupted +him. He looked round quickly. + +“You'd better kill the child, I think, thramplin' on him, Lavery. Go +out o' that--your conduct is scandalous--_Dominus vobiscum!_” Again he +turned to pray, and after some time he made an interval in the service +to address his congregation on the subject of the repairs, and produced +a paper containing the names of subscribers to that pious work who had +already contributed, by way of example to those who had not. + +“Here it is,” said Father Phil, “here it is, and no denying it--down +in black and white; but if they who give are down in black, how much +blacker are those who have not given at all!--but I hope they will +be ashamed of themselves when I howld up those to honour who have +contributed to the uphowlding of the house of God. And isn't it +ashamed o' yourselves you ought to be, to leave His house in such a +condition--and doesn't it rain a'most every Sunday, as if He wished to +remind you of your duty? aren't you wet to the skin a'most every Sunday? +Oh, God is good to you! to put you in mind of your duty, giving you such +bitther cowlds that you are coughing and sneezin' every Sunday to that +degree that you can't hear the blessed mass for a comfort and a benefit +to you; and so you'll go on sneezin' until you put a good thatch on the +place, and prevent the appearance of the evidence from Heaven against +you every Sunday, which is condemning you before your faces, and behind +your backs too, for don't I see this minit a strame o' wather that might +turn a mill running down Micky Mackavoy's back, between the collar of +his coat and his shirt?” + +Here a laugh ensued at the expense of Micky Mackavoy, who certainly +_was_ under a very heavy drip from the imperfect roof. + +“And is it laughing you are, you haythens?” said Father Phil, reproving +the merriment which he himself had purposely created, _that he +might reprove it_. “Laughing is it you are--at your backslidings and +insensibility to the honour of God--laughing, because when you come here +to be _saved_ you are _lost_ intirely with the wet; and how, I ask you, +are my words of comfort to enter your hearts, when the rain is pouring +down your backs at the same time? Sure I have no chance of turning your +hearts while you are undher rain that might turn a mill--but once put a +good roof on the house, and I will inundate you with piety! Maybe it's +Father Dominick you would like to have coming among you, who would grind +your hearts to powdher with his heavy words.” (Here a low murmur of +dissent ran through the throng.) “Ha! ha! so you wouldn't like it, I +see. Very well, very well--take care then, for if I find you insensible +to my moderate reproofs, you hard-hearted haythens--you malefacthors and +cruel persecuthors, that won't put your hands in your pockets, because +your mild and quiet poor fool of a pasthor has no tongue in his head!--I +say your mild, quiet, poor fool of a pasthor (for I know my own faults, +partly, God forgive me!), and I can't spake to you as you deserve, you +hard-living vagabones, that are as insensible to your duties as you are +to the weather. I wish it was sugar or salt you were made of, and then +the rain might melt you if I couldn't: but no--them naked rafthers grin +in your face to no purpose--you chate the house of God; but take care, +maybe you won't chate the divil so aisy”--(here there was a sensation). +“Ha! ha! that makes you open your ears, does it? More shame for you; +you ought to despise that dirty enemy of man, and depend on something +betther--but I see I must call you to a sense of your situation with +the bottomless pit undher you, and no roof over you. Oh dear! dear! +dear!--I'm ashamed of you--troth, if I had time and sthraw enough, I'd +rather thatch the place myself than lose my time talking to you; sure +the place is more like a stable than a chapel. Oh, think of that!--the +house of God to be like a stable!--for though our Redeemer, in his +humility, was born in a stable, that is no reason why you are to keep +his house always like one. + +“And now I will read you the list of subscribers, and it will make you +ashamed when you hear the names of several good and worthy Protestants +in the parish, and out of it, too, who have given more than the +Catholics.” + +He then proceeded to read the following list, which he interlarded +copiously with observations of his own; making _vivâ voce_ marginal +notes as it were upon the subscribers, which were not unfrequently +answered by the persons so noticed, from the body of the chapel, and +laughter was often the consequence of these rejoinders, which Father +Phil never permitted to pass without a retort. Nor must all this be +considered in the least irreverent. A certain period is allowed between +two particular portions of the mass, when the priest may address his +congregation on any public matter: an approaching pattern, or fair, or +the like; in which, exhortations to propriety of conduct, or warnings +against faction fights, &c., are his themes. Then they only listen in +reverence. But when a subscription for such an object as that already +mentioned is under discussion, the flock consider themselves entitled to +“put in a word” in case of necessity. + +This preliminary hint is given to the reader, that he may better enter +into the spirit of Father Phil's + +SUBSCRIPTION LIST FOR THE REPAIRS AND ENLARGEMENT OF +BALLY-SLOUGHGUTPHERY CHAPEL + + £ s. d. PHILIP BLAKE, P.P. + Micky Hicky 0 7 6 “He might as well have made ten + shillings: but half a loaf is betther + than no bread.” + + “Plase your reverence,” says + Mick, from the body of the chapel, + “sure seven and six-pence is more + than the half of ten shillings.” + (_A laugh_.) + + “Oh! how witty you are. 'Faith, + if you knew your duty as well as + your arithmetic, it would be betther + for you, Micky.” + + Here the Father turned the laugh + against Mick. + + £ s. d. + Bill Riley 0 3 4 “Of course he means to subscribe + again. + + £ s. d. + John Dwyer 0 15 0 “That's something like! I'll + be bound he's only keeping back + the odd five shillings for a brush + full o' paint for the althar; it's as + black as a crow, instead o' being as + white as a dove.” + + He then hurried over rapidly some + small subscribers as follows:-- + + Peter Heffernan 0 1 8 + James Murphy 0 2 6 + Mat Donovan 0 1 3 + Luke Dannely 0 3 0 + Jack Quigly 0 2 1 + Pat Finnegan 0 2 2 + Edward O'Connor, Esq. 2 0 0 “There's for you! Edward + O'Connor, Esq., _a Protestant in the + parish_--Two pounds!” + + “Long life to him,” cried a voice + in the chapel. + + “Amen,” said Father Phil; “I'm + not ashamed to be clerk to so good + a prayer. + + Nicholas Fagan 0 2 6 + Young Nicholas Fagan 0 5 0 “Young Nick is better than owld + Nick, you see.” + + The congregation honoured the + Father's demand on their risibility. + + £ s. d. + Tim Doyle 0 7 6 + Owny Doyl 1 0 0 “Well done, Owny na Coppal--you + deserve to prosper for you + make good use of your thrivings. + + £ s. d. + Simon Leary 0 2 6 + Bridget Murphy 0 10 0 “You ought to be ashamed o' + yourself, Simon: a lone widow + woman gives more than you.” + + Simon answered, “I have a large + family, sir, and she has no childhre.” + + “That's not her fault,” said the + priest--“and maybe she'll mend o' + that yet.” This excited much + merriment, for the widow was buxom, + and had recently buried an old + husband, and, by all accounts, was + cocking her cap at a handsome young + fellow in the parish. + + £ s. d. + Judy Moylan 0 5 0 Very good, Judy; the women are + behaving like gentlemen; they'll + have their reward in the next world. + + Pat Finnerty 0 3 4 “I'm not sure if it is 8s. 4d. or + 3s. 4d., for the figure is blotted-- + but I believe it is 8s. 4d.” + + “It was three and four pince + I gave your reverence,” said Pat + from the crowd. + + “Well, Pat, as I said eight and + four pence you must not let me go + back o' my word, so bring me five + shillings next week.” + + “Sure you wouldn't have me pay + for a blot, sir?” + + “Yes, I would--that's the rule + of back-mannon, you know, Pat. + When I hit the blot, you pay + for it.” + + Here his reverence turned round, + as if looking for some one, and + called out, “Rafferty! Rafferty! + Rafferty! Where are you, Rafferty?” + + An old grey-headed man appeared, + bearing a large plate, and Father + Phil continued-- + + “There now, be active--I'm + sending him among you, good people, + and such as cannot give as + much as you would like to be read + before your neighbours, give what + little you can towards the repairs, + and I will continue to read out the + names by way of encouragement to + you, and the next name I see is + that of Squire Egan. Long life to + him! + £ s. d. + Squire Egan 5 0 0 “Squire Egan--five pounds-- + listen to that--five pounds--a + Protestant in the parish--five + pounds! 'Faith, the Protestants will + make you ashamed of yourselves, if + we don't take care. + £ s. d. + Mrs. Flanagan 2 0 0 “Not her own parish, either--a + kind lady. + + £ s. d. + James Milligan + of Roundtown 1 0 0 “And here I must remark that + the people of Roundtown have not + been backward in coming forward + on this occasion. I have a long list + from Roundtown--I will read it + separate.” He then proceeded at a + great pace, jumbling the town and + the pounds and the people in a most + extraordinary manner: “James + Milligan of Roundtown, one pound; + Darby Daly of Roundtown, one + pound; Sam Finnigan of Roundtown, + one pound; James Casey of + Roundpound, one town; Kit Dwyer + of Townpound, one round--pound + I mane; Pat Roundpound--Pounden, + I mane--Pat Pounden a pound + of Poundtown also--there's an + example for you!--but what are you + about, Rafferty? _I don't like the + sound of that plate of yours_;-- + you are not a good gleaner--go up + first into the gallery there, where I + see so many good-looking bonnets--I + suppose they will give something to + keep their bonnets out of the rain, + for the wet will be into the gallery + next Sunday if they don't. I think + that is Kitty Crow I see, getting her + bit of silver ready; them ribbons of + yours cost a trifle, Kitty. Well, + good Christians, here is more of the + subscription for you. + £ s. d. + Matthew Lavery 0 2 6 “_He_ doesn't belong to + Roundtown--Roundtown will be renowned + in future ages for the support + of the Church. Mark my + words--Roundtown will prosper + from this day out--Roundtown + will be a rising place. + + Mark Hennessy 0 2 6 + Luke Clancy 0 2 6 + John Doolin 0 2 6 “One would think they all agreed + only to give two and sixpence apiece. + And they comfortable men, too! + And look at their names--Matthew, + Mark, Luke, and John, the + names of the Blessed Evangelists, + and only ten shillings among them! + Oh, they are apostles not worthy of + the name--we'll call them the _Poor + Apostles_ from this out” (here a + low laugh ran through the chapel)-- + “Do you hear that, Matthew, Mark, + Luke, and John? 'Faith! I can tell + you that name will stick to you.'” + (Here the laugh was louder.) + + A voice, when the laugh subsided, + exclaimed, “I'll make it ten + shillin's, your reverence.” + + “Who's that?” said Father Phil. + + “Hennessy, your reverence.” + + “Very well, Mark. I suppose + Matthew, Luke, and John will follow + your example?” + + “We will, your reverence.” + + “Ah! I thought you made a mistake; + we'll call you now the _Faithful + Apostles_--and I think the change + in the name is better than seven + and sixpence apiece to you. + + “I see you in the gallery there, + Rafferty. What do you pass that + well-dressed woman for?--thry back + --ha!--see that--she had her money + ready if you only asked for it--don't + go by that other woman + there--oh, oh!--So you won't give + anything, ma'am. You ought to be + ashamed of yourself. There is a + woman with an elegant sthraw bonnet, + and she won't give a farthing. + Well now--afther that--remember--I + give it from the althar, that + _from this day out sthraw bonnets + pay fi'penny pieces._ + + £ s. d. + Thomas Durfy, Esq. 1 0 0 “It's not his parish and he's a + brave gentleman. + + £ s. d. + Miss Fanny Dawson 1 0 0 “_A Protestant out of the parish_, + and a sweet young lady, God bless + her! Oh, 'faith, the Protestants is + shaming you!!! + + £ s. d. + Dennis Fannin 0 7 6 “Very good, indeed, for a working + mason.” + + Jemmy Riley 0 5 0 “Not bad for a hedge-carpenther.” + + +“I gave you ten, plaze, your reverence,” shouted Jemmy, “and by the same +token, you may remember it was on the Nativity of the Blessed Vargin, +sir, I gave you the second five shillin's.” + +“So you did, Jemmy,” cried Father Phil--“I put a little cross before it, +to remind me of it; but I was in a hurry to make a sick call when you +gave it to me, and forgot it after: and indeed myself doesn't know what +I did with that same five shillings.” + +Here a pallid woman, who was kneeling near the rails of the altar, +uttered an impassioned blessing, and exclaimed, “Oh, that was the very +five shillings, I'm sure, you gave to me that very day, to buy some +little comforts for my poor husband, who was dying in the fever!”--and +the poor woman burst into loud sobs as she spoke. + +A deep thrill of emotion ran through the flock as this accidental +proof of their poor pastor's beneficence burst upon them; and as an +affectionate murmur began to rise above the silence which that +emotion produced, the burly Father Philip blushed like a girl at this +publication of his charity, and even at the foot of that altar where he +stood, felt something like shame in being discovered in the commission +of that virtue so highly commended by the Holy One to whose worship the +altar was raised. He uttered a hasty “Whisht--whisht!” and waved with +his outstretched hands his flock into silence. + +In an instant one of those sudden changes common to an Irish assembly, +and scarcely credible to a stranger, took place. The multitude was +hushed--the grotesque of the subscription list had passed away and was +forgotten, and that same man and that same multitude stood in altered +relations--_they_ were again a reverent flock, and _he_ once more a +solemn pastor; the natural play of his nation's mirthful sarcasm +was absorbed in a moment in the sacredness of his office; and with a +solemnity befitting the highest occasion, he placed his hands together +before his breast, and raising his eyes to Heaven he poured forth his +sweet voice, with a tone of the deepest devotion, in that reverential +call to prayer, “_Orate_, _fratres_.” + +The sound of a multitude gently kneeling down followed, like the soft +breaking of a quiet sea on a sandy beach; and when Father Philip turned +to the altar to pray, his pent-up feelings found vent in tears; and +while he prayed, he wept. + +I believe such scenes as this are not of unfrequent occurrence in +Ireland; that country so long-suffering, so much maligned, and so little +understood. + +Suppose the foregoing scene to have been only described antecedent +to the woman in the outbreak of her gratitude revealing the priest's +charity, from which he recoiled,--suppose the mirthfulness of the +incidents arising from reading the subscription-list--a mirthfulness +bordering on the ludicrous--to have been recorded, and nothing more, +a stranger would be inclined to believe, and pardonable in the belief, +that the Irish and their priesthood were rather prone to be irreverent; +but observe, under this exterior, the deep sources of feeling that lie +hidden and wait but the wand of divination to be revealed. In a thousand +similar ways are the actions and the motives of the Irish understood by +those who are careless of them; or worse, misrepresented by those whose +interest, and too often _business_, it is to malign them. + +Father Phil could proceed no further with the reading of the +subscription-list, but finished the office of the mass with unusual +solemnity. But if the incident just recorded abridged his address, and +the publication of donors' names by way of stimulus to the less active, +it produced a great effect on those who had but smaller donations to +drop into the plate; and the grey-headed collector, who could have +numbered the scanty coin before the bereaved widow had revealed the +pastor's charity, had to struggle his way afterwards through the eagerly +outstretched hands that showered their hard-earned pence upon the plate, +which was borne back to the altar heaped with contributions, heaped as +it had not been seen for many a day. The studied excitement of +their pride and their shame--and both are active agents in the Irish +nature--was less successful than the accidental appeal to their +affections. + +Oh! rulers of Ireland, why have you not sooner learned to _lead_ that +people by love, whom all your severity has been unable to _drive_? +[Footnote: When this passage was written Ireland was disturbed (as she +has too often been) by special parliamentary provocation:--the vexatious +vigilance of legislative lynxes--the peevishness of paltry persecutors.] + +When the mass was over, Andy waited at the door of the chapel to +catch “his riverence” coming out, and obtain his advice about what he +overheard from Larry Hogan; and Father Phil was accordingly accosted +by Andy just as he was going to get into his saddle to ride over to +breakfast with one of the neighbouring farmers, who was holding the +priest's stirrup at the moment. The extreme urgency of Andy's manner, +as he pressed up to the pastor's side, made the latter pause and inquire +what he wanted. “I want to get some advice from your riverence,” said +Andy. + +“'Faith, then, the advice I give you is never to stop a hungry man +when he is going to refresh himself,” said Father Phil, who had quite +recovered his usual cheerfulness, and threw his leg over his little grey +hack as he spoke. “How could you be so unreasonable as to expect me to +stop here listening to your case, and giving you advice indeed, when +I have said three masses [Footnote: The office of the mass must be +performed fasting.] this morning, and rode three miles; how could you be +so unreasonable, I say?” + +“I ax your riverence's pardon,” said Andy; “I wouldn't have taken the +liberty, only the thing is mighty particular intirely.” + +“Well, I tell you again, never ask a hungry man advice; for he is likely +to cut his advice on the patthern of his stomach, and it's empty advice +you'll get. Did you never hear that a 'hungry stomach has no ears'?” + +The farmer who was to have the honour of the priest's company to +breakfast exhibited rather more impatience than the good-humoured Father +Phil, and reproved Andy for his conduct. + +“But it's so particular,” said Andy. + +“I wondher you would dar' to stop his riverence, and he black fastin'. +Go 'long wid you!” + +“Come over to my house in the course of the week, and speak to me,” said +Father Phil, riding away. + +Andy still persevered, and taking advantage of the absence of the +farmer, who was mounting his own nag at the moment, said the matter of +which he wished to speak involved the interests of Squire Egan, or he +would not “make so bowld.” + +This altered the matter; and Father Phil desired Andy to follow him to +the farm-house of John Dwyer, where he would speak to him after he had +breakfasted. + + + + +CHAPTER XXIX + + +John Dwyer's house was a scene of activity that day, for not only was +the priest to breakfast there--always an affair of honour--but a grand +dinner was also preparing on a large scale; for a wedding-feast was to +be held in the house, in honour of Matty Dwyer's nuptials, which were to +be celebrated that day with a neighbouring young farmer, rather well to +do in the world. The match had been on and off for some time, for John +Dwyer was what is commonly called a “close-fisted fellow,” and his +would-be son-in-law could not bring him to what he considered proper +terms, and though Matty liked young Casey, and he was fond of her, they +both agreed not to let old Jack Dwyer have the best of the bargain in +portioning off his daughter, who, having a spice of her father in her, +was just as fond of _number one_ as old Jack himself. And here it is +worthy of remark, that, though the Irish are so prone in general to +early and improvident marriages, no people are closer in their nuptial +barter, when they are in a condition to make marriage a profitable +contract. Repeated meetings between the elders of families take place, +and acute arguments ensue, properly to equalise the worldly goods to +be given on both sides. Pots and pans are balanced against pails and +churns, cows against horses, a slip of bog against a gravel-pit, or a +patch of meadow against a bit of a quarry; a little lime-kiln sometimes +burns stronger than the flame of Cupid--the doves of Venus herself are +but crows in comparison with a good flock of geese--and a love-sick +sigh less touching than the healthy grunt of a good pig; indeed, the +last-named gentleman is a most useful agent in this traffic, for when +matters are nearly poised, the balance is often adjusted by a grunter +or two thrown into either scale. While matters are thus in a state of +debate, quarrels sometimes occur between the lovers the gentleman's +caution sometimes takes alarm, and more frequently the lady's pride +is aroused at the too obvious preference given to worldly gain over +heavenly beauty; Cupid shies at Mammon, and Hymen is upset and left in +the mire. + +I remember hearing of an instance of this nature, when the lady gave her +_ci-devant_ lover an ingenious reproof, after they had been separated +some time, when a marriage-bargain was broken off, because the lover +could not obtain from the girl's father a certain brown filly as part of +her dowry. The damsel, after the lapse of some weeks, met her swain at a +neighbouring fair, and the flame of love still smouldering in his heart +was re-illumined by the sight of his charmer, who, on the contrary, +had become quite disgusted with _him_ for his too obvious preference of +profit to true affection. He addressed her softly in a tent, and asked +her to dance, but was most astonished at her returning him a look of +vacant wonder, which tacitly implied, _“Who are you?”_ as plain as looks +could speak. + +“Arrah, Mary,” exclaimed the youth. + +“Sir!!!”--answered Mary, with what heroines call “ineffable disdain.” + +“Why one would think you didn't know me!” + +“If I ever had the honour of your acquaintance, sir,” answered Mary, “I +forget you entirely.” + +“Forget me, Mary?--arrah be aisy--is it forget the man that was courtin' +and in love with you?” + +“You're under a mistake, young man,” said Mary, with a curl of her rosy +lip, which displayed the pearly teeth to whose beauty her woman's nature +rejoiced that the recreant lover was not yet insensible--“You're under +a mistake, young man,” and her heightened colour made her eye flash more +brightly as she spoke--“you're quite under a mistake--no one was ever in +love with _me_;” and she laid signal emphasis on the word. “There was +a dirty mane blackguard, indeed, once _in love with my father's brown +filly,_ but I forget him intirely.” + +Mary tossed her head proudly as she spoke, and her filly-fancying +admirer, reeling under the reproof she inflicted, sneaked from the tent, +while Mary stood up and danced with a more open-hearted lover, whose +earnest eye could see more charms in one lovely woman than all the +horses of Arabia. + +But no such result as this was likely to take place in Matty Dwyer's +case; she and her lover agreed with one another on the settlement to +be made, and old Jack was not to be allowed an inch over what was +considered an even bargain. At length all matters were agreed upon, the +wedding-day fixed, and the guests invited; yet still both parties were +not satisfied, but young Casey thought he should be put into absolute +possession of a certain little farm and cottage, and have the lease +looked over to see all was right (for Jack Dwyer was considered rather +slippery), while old Jack thought it time enough to give him possession +and the lease and his daughter altogether. + +However, matters had gone so far that, as the reader has seen, the +wedding-feast was prepared, the guests invited, and Father Phil on the +spot to help James and Matty (in the facetious parlance of Paddy) to +“tie with their tongues what they could not undo with their teeth.” + +When the priest had done breakfast, the arrival of Andy was announced to +him, and Andy was admitted to a private audience with Father Phil, the +particulars of which must not be disclosed; for in short, Andy made a +regular confession before the Father, and, we know, confessions must +be held sacred; but we may say that Andy confided the whole post-office +affair to the pastor--told him how Larry Hogan had contrived to worm +that affair out of him, and by his devilish artifice had, as Andy +feared, contrived to implicate Squire Egan in the transaction, and, +by threatening a disclosure, got the worthy Squire into his villanous +power. Andy, under the solemn queries of the priest, positively denied +having said one word to Hogan to criminate the Squire, and that Hogan +could only infer the Squire's guilt; upon which Father Phil, having +perfectly satisfied himself, told Andy to make his mind easy, for that +he would secure the Squire from any harm, and he moreover praised Andy +for the fidelity he displayed to the interests of his old master, and +declared he was so pleased with him, that he would desire Jack Dwyer +to ask him to dinner. “And that will be no blind nut, let me tell you,” + said Father Phil--“a wedding dinner, you lucky dog--'lashings [Footnote: +Overflowing abundance, and plenty left after.] and lavings,' and no end +of dancing afther!” + +Andy was accordingly bidden to the bridal feast, to which the guests +began already to gather thick and fast. They strolled about the field +before the house, basked in groups in the sunshine, or lay in the shade +under the hedges, where hints of future marriages were given to many +a pretty girl, and to nudges and pinches were returned small screams +suggestive of additional assault--and inviting denials of “Indeed +I won't,” and that crowning provocative to riotous conduct, “Behave +yourself.” + +In the meantime, the barn was laid out with long planks, supported on +barrels or big stones, which planks, when covered with clean cloths, +made a goodly board, that soon began to be covered with ample wooden +dishes of corned beef, roasted geese, boiled chickens and bacon, and +intermediate stacks of cabbage and huge bowls of potatoes, all sending +up their wreaths of smoke to the rafters of the barn, soon to become +hotter from the crowd of guests, who, when the word was given, rushed to +the onslaught with right good will. + +The dinner was later than the hour named, and the delay arose from the +absence of one who, of all others, ought to have been present, namely, +the bridegroom. But James Casey was missing, and Jack Dwyer had +been closeted from time to time with several long-headed greybeards, +canvassing the occurrence, and wondering at the default on the +bridegroom's part. The person who might have been supposed to bear this +default the worst supported it better than any one. Matty was all life +and spirits, and helped in making the feast ready, as if nothing wrong +had happened; and she backed Father Phil's argument to sit down to +dinner at once;--“that if James Casey was not there, that was no reason +dinner should be spoiled, he'd be there soon enough; besides, if he +didn't arrive in time, it was better he should have good meat cold, than +everybody have hot meat spoiled: the ducks would be done to cindhers, +the beef boiled to rags, and the chickens be all in jommethry.” + +So down they sat to dinner: its heat, its mirth, its clatter, and its +good cheer we will not attempt to describe; suffice it to say, the +viands were good, the guests hungry, and the drink unexceptionable; and +Father Phil, no bad judge of such matters, declared he never pronounced +grace over a better spread. But still, in the midst of the good cheer, +neighbours (the women particularly) would suggest to each other the +“wondher” where the bridegroom could be; and even within ear-shot of the +bride elect, the low-voiced whisper ran, of “Where in the world is James +Casey?” + +Still the bride kept up her smiles, and cheerfully returned the healths +that were drunk to her; but old Jack was not unmoved; a cloud hung on +his brow, which grew darker and darker as the hour advanced, and the +bridegroom yet tarried. The board was cleared of the eatables, and the +copious jugs of punch going their round; but the usual toast of the +united healths of the happy pair could not be given, for one of them +was absent. Father Phil hardly knew what to do; for even his overflowing +cheerfulness began to forsake him, and a certain air of embarrassment +began to pervade the whole assembly, till Jack Dwyer could bear it no +longer, and, standing up, he thus addressed the company:-- + +“Friends and neighbours, you see the disgrace that's put on me and my +child.” + +A murmur of “No, no!” ran round the board. + +“I say, yis.” + +“He'll come yet, sir,” said a voice. + +“No, he won't,” said Jack, “I see he won't--I know he won't. He wanted +to have everything all his own way, and he thinks to disgrace me in +doing what he likes, but he shan't”; and he struck the table fiercely as +he spoke; for Jack, when once his blood was up, was a man of desperate +determination. “He's a greedy chap, the same James Casey, and he loves +his bargain betther than he loves you, Matty, so don't look glum about +what I'm saying: I say he's greedy: he's just the fellow that, if you +gave him the roof off your house, would ax you for the rails before your +door; and he goes back of his bargain now, bekase I would not let him +have it all his own way, and puts the disgrace on me, thinkin' I'll give +in to him, through that same; but I won't. And I tell you what it is, +friends and neighbours; here's the lease of the three-cornered field +below there,” and he held up a parchment as he spoke, “and a snug +cottage on it, and it's all ready for the girl to walk into with the man +that will have her; and if there's a man among you here that's willing, +let him say the word now, and I'll give her to him!” + +The girl could not resist an exclamation of surprise, which her father +hushed by a word and look so peremptory, that she saw remonstrance +was in vain, and a silence of some moments ensued; for it was rather +startling, this immediate offer of a girl who had been so strangely +slighted, and the men were not quite prepared to make advances, until +they knew something more of the why and wherefore of her sweetheart's +desertion. + +“Are yiz all dumb?” exclaimed Jack, in surprise. “Faix, it's not every +day a snug little field and cottage and a good-looking girl falls in a +man's way. I say again, I'll give her and the lase to the man that will +say the word.” + +Still no one spoke, and Andy began to think they were using Jack Dwyer +and his daughter very ill, but what business had _he_ to think of +offering himself, “a poor devil like him”? But, the silence still +continuing, Andy took heart of grace; and as the profit and pleasure of +a snug match and a handsome wife flushed upon him, he got up and said, +“Would I do, sir?” + +Every one was taken by surprise, even old Jack himself; and Matty could +not suppress a faint exclamation, which every one but Andy understood to +mean “she didn't like it at all,” but which Andy interpreted quite the +other way, and he grinned his loutish admiration of Matty, who turned +away her head from him in sheer distaste, which action Andy took for +mere coyness. + +Jack was in a dilemma, for Andy was just the last man he would have +chosen as a husband for his daughter; but what could he do? he was +taken at his word, and even at the worst he was determined that some one +should marry the girl out of hand, and show Casey the “disgrace should +not be put on him”; but, anxious to have another chance, he stammered +something about the fairness of “letting the girl choose,” and that +“some one else might wish to spake”; but the end of all was, that no one +rose to rival Andy, and Father Phil bore witness to the satisfaction he +had that day in finding so much uprightness and fidelity in “the boy”; +that he had raised his character much in his estimation by his conduct +that day; and if he was a little giddy betimes, there was nothing like +a wife to steady him; and if he was rather poor, sure Jack Dwyer could +mend that. + +“Then come up here,” says Jack; and Andy left his place at the very end +of the board and marched up to the head, amidst clapping of hands and +thumping of the table, and laughing and shouting. + +“Silence!” cried Father Phil, “this is no laughing matther, but a +serious engagement--and, John Dwyer, I tell you--and you Andy Rooney, +that girl must not be married against her own free-will; but if she has +no objection, well and good.” + +“My will is her pleasure, I know,” said Jack, resolutely. + +To the surprise of every one, Matty said, “Oh, I'll take the boy with +all my heart!” + +Handy Andy threw his arms round her neck and gave her a most vigorous +salute which came smacking off, and thereupon arose a hilarious shout +which made the old rafters of the barn ring again. + +“There's the lase for you,” said Jack, handing the parchment to Andy, +who was now installed in the place of honour beside the bride elect at +the head of the table, and the punch circulated rapidly in filling to +the double toast of health, happiness, and prosperity to the “happy +pair”; and after some few more circuits of the enlivening liquor had +been performed, the women retired to the dwelling-house, whose sanded +parlour was put in immediate readiness for the celebration of the +nuptial knot between Matty and the adventurous Andy. + +In half an hour the ceremony was performed, and the rites and blessings +of the Church dispensed between two people, who, an hour before, had +never looked on each other with thoughts of matrimony. + +Under such circumstances it was wonderful with what lightness of +spirit Matty went through the honours consequent on a peasant bridal in +Ireland: these, it is needless to detail; our limits would not permit; +but suffice it to say, that a rattling country-dance was led off by Andy +and Matty in the barn, intermediate jigs were indulged in by the “picked +dancers” of the parish, while the country dancers were resting and +making love (if making love can be called rest) in the corners, and that +the pipers and punch-makers had quite enough to do until the night was +far spent, and it was considered time for the bride and bridegroom to be +escorted by a chosen party of friends to the little cottage which was to +be their future home. The pipers stood at the threshold of Jack Dwyer, +and his daughter departed from under the “roof-tree” to the tune of “Joy +be with you”; and then the lilters, heading the body-guard of the bride, +plied drone and chanter right merrily until she had entered her new +home, thanked her old friends (who did all the established civilities, +and cracked all the usual jokes attendant on the occasion); and Andy +bolted the door of the snug cottage of which he had so suddenly become +master, and placed a seat for the bride beside the fire, requesting +_“Miss Dwyer”_ to sit down--for Andy could not bring himself to call her +“Matty” yet--and found himself in an awkward position in being “lord +and master” of a girl he considered so far above him a few hours before; +Matty sat quiet, and looked at the fire. + +“It's very quare, isn't it?” says Andy with a grin, looking at her +tenderly, and twiddling his thumbs. + +“What's quare?” inquired Matty, very drily. + +“The estate,” responded Andy. + +“What estate?” asked Matty. + +“Your estate and my estate,” said Andy. + +“Sure you don't call the three-cornered field my father gave us an +estate, you fool?” answered Matty. + +“Oh no,” said Andy. “I mane the blessed and holy estate of matrimony the +priest put us in possession of;” and Andy drew a stool near the heiress, +on the strength of the hit he thought he had made. + +“Sit at the other side of the fire,” said Matty, very coldly. + +“Yes, miss,” responded Andy, very respectfully; and in shoving his seat +backwards the legs of the stool caught in the earthen floor, and Andy +tumbled heels over head. + +Matty laughed while Andy was picking himself up with increased +confusion at this mishap; for even amidst rustics there is nothing more +humiliating than a lover placing himself in a ridiculous position at the +moment he is doing his best to make himself agreeable. + +“It is well your coat's not new,” said Matty, with a contemptuous look +at Handy's weather-beaten vestment. + +“I hope I'll soon have a betther,” said Andy, a little piqued, with all +his reverence for the heiress, at this allusion to his poverty. “But +sure it wasn't the coat you married, but the man that's in it; and sure +I'll take off my clothes as soon as you please, Matty, my dear--Miss +Dwyer, I mane--I beg your pardon.” + +“You had better wait till you get better,” answered Matty, very drily. +“You know the old saying, 'Don't throw out your dirty wather until you +get in fresh.'” + +“Ah, darlin', don't be cruel to me!” said Andy, in a supplicating tone. +“I know I'm not desarvin' of you, but sure I did not make so bowld as to +make up to you until I seen that nobody else would have you.” + +“Nobody else have me!” exclaimed Matty, as her eyes flashed with anger. + +“I beg your pardon, miss,” said poor Andy, who in the extremity of his +own humility had committed such an offence against Matty's pride. “I +only meant that--” + +“Say no more about it,” said Matty, who recovered her equanimity. +“Didn't my father give you the lase of the field and house?” + +“Yis, miss.” + +“You had better let me keep it then; 'twill be safer with me than you.” + +“Sartainly,” said Andy, who drew the lease from his pocket and handed it +to her, and--as he was near to her--he attempted a little familiarity, +which Matty repelled very unequivocally. + +“Arrah! is it jokes you are crackin'?” said Andy, with a grin, advancing +to renew his fondling. + +“I tell you what it is,” said Matty, jumping up, “I'll crack your head +if you don't behave yourself!” and she seized the stool on which she had +been sitting, and brandished it in a very amazonian fashion. + +“Oh, wirra! wirra!” said Andy, in amaze--“aren't you my wife?” + +“_Your_ wife!” retorted Matty, with a very devil in her eye--“_Your_ +wife, indeed, you great _omadhaun_; why, then, had you the brass to +think I'd put up with _you_?” + +“Arrah, then, why did you marry me?” said Andy, in a pitiful +argumentative whine. + +“Why did I marry you?” retorted Matty--“Didn't I know betther than +refuse you, when my father said the word _when the divil was busy +with him_? Why did I marry you?--it's a pity I didn't refuse, and be +murthered that night, maybe, as soon as the people's backs was turned. +Oh, it's little you know of owld Jack Dwyer, or you wouldn't ask me +that; but, though I'm afraid of him, I'm not afraid of you--so stand off +I tell you.” + +“Oh, Blessed Virgin!” cried Andy; “and what will be the end of it?” + +There was a tapping at the door as he spoke. + +“You'll soon see what will be the end of it,” said Matty, as she walked +across the cabin and opened to the knock. + +James Casey entered and clasped Matty in his arms; and half a dozen +athletic fellows and one old and debauched-looking man followed, and the +door was immediately closed after their entry. + +Andy stood in amazement while Casey and Matty caressed each other; and +the old man said in a voice tremulous with intoxication, “A very pretty +filly, by jingo!” + +“I lost no time the minute I got your message, Matty,” said Casey, “and +here's the Father ready to join us.” + +“Ay, ay,” cackled the old reprobate--“hammer and tongs!--strike while +the iron's hot!--I'm the boy for a short job”; and he pulled a greasy +book from his pocket as he spoke. + +This was a degraded clergyman, known in Ireland under the title of +“Couple-Beggar,” who is ready to perform irregular marriages on such +urgent occasions as the present; and Matty had contrived to inform James +Casey of the desperate turn affairs had taken at home, and recommended +him to adopt the present plan, and so defeat the violent measure of her +father by one still more so. + +A scene of uproar now ensued, for Andy did not take matters quietly, but +made a pretty considerable row, which was speedily quelled, however, by +Casey's bodyguard, who tied Andy neck and heels, and in that +helpless state he witnessed the marriage ceremony performed by the +“couple-beggar,” between Casey and the girl he had looked upon as his +own five minutes before. + +In vain did he raise his voice against the proceeding; the +“couple-beggar” smothered his objections in ribald jests. + +“You can't take her from me, I tell you,” cried Andy. + +“No; but we can take you from her,” said the “couple-beggar”; and, at +the words, Casey's friends dragged Andy from the cottage, bidding a +rollicking adieu to their triumphant companion, who bolted the door +after them and became possessor of the wife and property poor Andy +thought he had secured. + +To guard against an immediate alarm being given, Andy was warned on pain +of death to be silent as his captors bore him along, and he took them +to be too much men of their word to doubt they would keep their promise. +They bore him through a lonely by-lane for some time, and on arriving at +the stump of an old tree, bound him securely to it, and left him to pass +his wedding-night in the tight embraces of hemp. + + + + +CHAPTER XXX + + +The news of Andy's wedding, so strange in itself, and being celebrated +before so many, spread over the country like wildfire, and made the talk +of half the barony for the next day, and the question, “_Arrah, did +you hear of the wondherful wedding?_” was asked in high-road and +by-road,--and scarcely a _boreen_ whose hedges had not borne witness +to this startling matrimonial intelligence. The story, like all other +stories, of course got twisted into various strange shapes, and +fanciful exaggerations became grafted on the original stem, sufficiently +grotesque in itself; and one of the versions set forth how old Jack +Dwyer, the more to vex Casey, had given his daughter the greatest +fortune that ever had been heard of in the country. + +Now one of the open-eared people who had caught hold of the story by +this end happened to meet Andy's mother, and, with a congratulatory +grin, began with “The top o' the mornin' to you, Mrs. Rooney, and sure I +wish you joy.” + +“Och hone, and for why, dear?” answered Mrs. Rooney, “sure, it's nothin' +but trouble and care I have, poor and in want, like me.” + +“But sure you'll never be in want any more.” + +“Arrah, who towld you so, agra?” + +“Sure the boy will take care of you now, won't he?” + +“What boy?” + +“Andy, sure!” + +“Andy!” replied his mother, in amazement. “Andy, indeed!--out o' place, +and without a bawbee to bless himself with!--stayin' out all night, the +blackguard!” + +“By this and that, I don't think you know a word about it,” cried the +friend, whose turn it was for wonder now. + +“Don't I, indeed?” said Mrs. Rooney, huffed at having her word doubted, +as she thought. “I tell you he never _was_ at home last night, and +maybe it's yourself was helping him, Micky Lavery, to keep his bad +coorses--the slingein' dirty blackguard that he is.” + +Micky Lavery set up a shout of laughter, which increased the ire of Mrs. +Rooney, who would have passed on in dignified silence but that Micky +held her fast, and when he recovered breath enough to speak, he +proceeded to tell her about Andy's marriage, but in such a disjointed +way, that it was some time before Mrs. Rooney could comprehend him--for +his interjectional laughter at the capital joke it was, that she should +be the last to know it, and that he should have the luck to tell +it, sometimes broke the thread of his story--and then his collateral +observations so disfigured the tale, that its incomprehensibility became +very much increased, until at last Mrs. Rooney was driven to push him by +direct questions. + +“For the tendher mercy, Micky Lavery, make me sinsible, and don't +disthract me--is the boy married?” + +“Yis, I tell you.” + +“To Jack Dwyer's daughter?” + +“Yis.” + +“And gev him a fort'n'?” + +“Gev him half his property, I tell you, and he'll have all when the owld +man's dead.” + +“Oh, more power to you, Andy!” cried his mother in delight: “it's you +that _is_ the boy, and the best child that ever was! Half his property, +you tell me, _Misther_ Lavery?” added she, getting distant and polite +the moment she found herself mother to a rich man, and curtailing her +familiarity with a poor one like Lavery. + +“Yes, _ma'am_,” said Lavery, touching his hat, “and the whole of it when +the owld man dies.” + +“Then indeed I wish him a happy relase!” [Footnote: A “happy release” + is the Irish phrase for departing this life] said Mrs. Rooney, +piously--“not that I owe the man any spite--but sure he'd be no +loss--and it's a good wish to any one, sure, to wish them in heaven. +Good mornin', Misther Lavery,” said Mrs. Rooney, with a patronising +smile, and “going the road with a dignified air.” + +Mick Lavery looked after her with mingled wonder and indignation. “Bad +luck to you, you owld sthrap!” he muttered between his teeth. “How +consaited you are, all of a sudden--by Jakers, I'm sorry I +towld you--cock you up, indeed--put a beggar on horseback to be +sure--humph!--the devil cut the tongue out o' me if ever I give any one +good news again. I've a mind to turn back and tell Tim Dooling his horse +is in the pound.” + +Mrs. Rooney continued her dignified pace as long as she was in sight +of Lavery, but the moment an angle of the road screened her from his +observation, off she set, running as hard as she could, to embrace her +darling Andy, and realise with her own eyes and ears all the good news +she had heard. She puffed out by the way many set phrases about the +goodness of Providence, and arranged at the same time sundry fine +speeches to make to the bride; so that the old lady's piety and flattery +ran a strange couple together along with herself; while mixed up with +her prayers and her blarney, were certain speculations about Jack +Dwyer--as to how long he could _live_--and how much he might _leave_. + +It was in this frame of mind she reached the hill which commanded a view +of the three-cornered field and the snug cottage, and down she rushed to +embrace her darling Andy and his gentle bride. Puffing and blowing like +a porpoise, bang she went into the cottage, and Matty being the first +person she met, she flung herself upon her, and covered her with +embraces and blessings. + +Matty, being taken by surprise, was some time before she could shake off +the old beldame's hateful caresses; but at last getting free and tucking +up her hair, which her imaginary mother-in-law had clawed about her +ears, she exclaimed in no very gentle tones-- + +“Arrah, good woman, who axed for _your_ company--who are you at all?” + +“Your mother-in-law, jewel!” cried the Widow Rooney, making another +open-armed rush at her beloved daughter-in-law; but Matty received the +widow's protruding mouth on her clenched fist instead of her lips, and +the old woman's nose coming in for a share of Matty's knuckles, a ruby +stream spurted forth, while all the colours of the rainbow danced before +Mrs. Rooney's eyes as she reeled backward on the floor. + +“Take that, you owld faggot!” cried Matty, as she shook Mrs. Rooney's +tributary claret from the knuckles which had so scientifically tapped +it, and wiped her hand in her apron. + +The old woman roared “millia' murthur” on the floor, and snuffled out a +deprecatory question “if that was the proper way to be received in her +son's house.” + +“_Your_ son's house, indeed!” cried Matty. “Get out o' the place, you +stack o' rags.” + +“Oh, Andy! Andy!” cried the mother, gathering herself up. + +“Oh--that's it, is it!” cried Matty; “so it's Andy you want?” + +“To be sure: why wouldn't I want him, you hussy? My boy! my darlin'! my +beauty!” + +“Well, go look for him!” cried Matty, giving her a shove towards the +door. “Well, now, do you think I'll be turned out of my son's house +so quietly as that, you unnatural baggage?” cried Mrs. Rooney, facing +round, fiercely. Upon which a bitter altercation ensued between the +women; in the course of which the widow soon learnt that Andy was not +the possessor of Matty's charms: whereupon the old woman, no longer +having the fear of damaging her daughter-in-law's beauty before her +eyes, tackled to for a fight in right earnest, in the course of which +some reprisals were made by the widow in revenge for her broken nose; +but Matty's youth and activity, joined to her Amazonian spirit, turned +the tide in her favour, though, had not the old lady been blown by her +long run, the victory would not have been so easy, for she was a tough +customer, and _left_ Matty certain marks of her favour that did not +rub out in a hurry--while she took _away_ (as a keepsake) a handful of +Matty's hair, by which she had long held on till a successful kick from +the gentle bride finally ejected Mrs. Rooney from the house. + +Off she reeled, bleeding and roaring, and while on her approach she +had been blessing Heaven and inventing sweet speeches for Matty, on her +retreat she was cursing fate and heaping all sorts of hard names on the +Amazon she came to flatter. Alas, for the brevity of human exultation! + +How fared it in the meantime with Andy? He, poor devil! had passed a +cold night, tied up to the old tree, and as the morning dawned, every +object appeared to him through the dim light in a distorted form; the +gaping hollow of the old trunk to which he was bound seemed like a huge +mouth, opening to swallow him, while the old knots looked like eyes, +and the gnarled branches like claws, staring at and ready to tear him in +pieces. + +A raven, perched above him on a lonely branch, croaked dismally, till +Andy fancied he could hear words of reproach in the sounds, while a +little tomtit chattered and twittered on a neighbouring bough, as if +he enjoyed and approved of all the severe things the raven uttered. The +little tomtit was the worst of the two, just as the solemn reproof +of the wise can be better borne than the impertinent remark of some +chattering fool. To these imaginary evils was added the reality of some +enormous water-rats that issued from an adjacent pool and began to eat +Andy's hat and shoes, which had fallen off in his struggle with his +captors; and all Andy's warning ejaculations could not make the vermin +abstain from his shoes and his hat, which, to judge from their eager +eating, could not stay their stomachs long, so that Andy, as he looked +on at the rapid demolition, began to dread that they might transfer +their favours from his attire to himself, until the tramp of approaching +horses relieved his anxiety, and in a few minutes two horsemen stood +before him--they were Father Phil and Squire Egan. + +Great was the surprise of the Father to see the fellow he had married +the night before, and whom he supposed to be in the enjoyment of his +honeymoon, tied up to a tree and looking more dead than alive; and his +indignation knew no bounds when he heard that a “couple-beggar” had +dared to celebrate the marriage ceremony, which fact came out in the +course of the explanation Andy made of the desperate misadventure which +had befallen him; but all other grievances gave way in the eyes of +Father Phil to the “couple-beggar.” + +“A 'couple-beggar'!--the audacious vagabones!” he cried, while he and +the Squire were engaged in loosing Andy's bonds. “A 'couple-beggar' +in my parish! How fast they have tied him up, Squire!” he added, as he +endeavoured to undo a knot. “A 'couple-beggar,' indeed! I'll undo the +marriage!--have you a knife about you, Squire?--the blessed and holy tie +of matrimony!--it's a black knot, bad luck to it, and must be cut--take +your leg out o' that now--and wait till I lay my hands on them--a +'couple-beggar' indeed!” + +“A desperate outrage this whole affair has been!” said the Squire. + +“But a 'couple-beggar,' Squire.” + +“His house broken into--” + +“But a 'couple-beggar'--” + +“His wife taken from him--” + +“But a 'couple-beggar'--” + +“The laws violated--” + +“But _my dues_, Squire--think o' that!--what would become o' _them_, if +'couple-beggars' is allowed to show their audacious faces in the parish. +Oh, wait till next Sunday, that's all--I'll have them up before the +althar, and I'll make them beg God's pardon, and my pardon, and the +congregation's pardon, the audacious pair!” [Footnote: A man and woman +who had been united by a “couple-beggar” were called up one Sunday by +the priest in the face of the congregation, and summoned, as Father Phil +threatens above, to beg God's pardon, and the priest's pardon, and the +congregation's pardon; but the woman stoutly refused the last condition. +“I'll beg God's pardon and your Reverence's pardon,” she said, “but I +won't beg the congregation's pardon.” “You won't?” says the priest. +“I won't,” says she. “Oh you conthrairy baggage,” cried his Reverence: +“take her home out o' that,” said he to her husband who HAD humbled +himself--“take her home, and leather her well--for she wants it; and if +you don't leather her, you'll be sorry--for if you don't make her afraid +of you, she'll master YOU, too--take her home and leather her.”--FACT.] + +“It's an assault on Andy,” said the Squire. + +“It's a robbery on me,” said Father Phil. + +“Could you identify the men?” said the Squire. + +“Do you know the 'couple-beggar'?” said the priest. + +“Did James Casey lay his hands on you?” said the Squire; “for he's a +good man to have a warrant against.” + +“Oh, Squire, Squire!” ejaculated Father Phil; “talking of laying hands +on _him_ is it you are?--didn't that blackguard 'couple-beggar' lay +his dirty hands on a woman that my bran new benediction was upon! Sure, +they'd do anything after that!” By this time Andy was free, and having +received the Squire's directions to follow him to Merryvale, Father +Phil and the worthy Squire were once more in their saddles and proceeded +quietly to the same place, the Squire silently considering the audacity +of the _coup-de-main_ which robbed Andy of his wife, and his reverence +puffing out his rosy cheeks and muttering sundry angry sentences, the +only intelligible words of which were “couple-beggar.” + + + + +CHAPTER XXXI + + +Doubtless the reader has anticipated that the presence of Father Phil in +the company of the Squire at this immediate time was on account of the +communication made by Andy about the post-office affair. Father Phil had +determined to give the Squire freedom from the strategetic coil in which +Larry Hogan had ensnared him, and lost no time in setting about it; and +it was on his intended visit to Merryvale that he met its hospitable +owner, and telling him there was a matter of some private importance he +wished to communicate, suggested a quiet ride together; and this it +was which led to their traversing the lonely little lane where they +discovered Andy, whose name was so principal in the revelations of that +day. + +To the Squire those revelations were of the dearest importance; for they +relieved his mind from a weight which had been oppressing it for some +time, and set his heart at rest. Egan, it must be remarked, was an odd +mixture of courage and cowardice: undaunted by personal danger, but +strangely timorous where moral courage was required. A remarkable +shyness, too, made him hesitate constantly in the utterance of a word +which might explain away any difficulty in which he chanced to find +himself; and this helped to keep his tongue tied in the matter where +Larry Hogan had continued to make himself a bugbear. He had a horror, +too, of being thought capable of doing a dishonourable thing, and the +shame he felt at having peeped into a letter was so stinging, that the +idea of asking any one's advice in the dilemma in which he was placed +made him recoil from the thought of such aid. Now, Father Phil had +relieved him from the difficulties his own weakness imposed; the subject +had been forced upon him; and once forced to speak he made a full +acknowledgment of all that had taken place; and when he found Andy had +not borne witness against him, and that Larry Hogan only _inferred_ his +participation in the transaction, he saw on Father Phil's showing that +he was not really in Larry Hogan's power; for though he admitted he had +given Larry a trifle of money from time to time when Larry asked for it, +under the influence of certain innuendoes, yet that was no proof against +him; and Father Phil's advice was to get Andy out of the way as soon as +possible, and then to set Larry quietly at defiance--that is to say, in +Father Phil's own words, “to keep never minding him.” + +Now Andy not being encumbered with a wife (as fate had so ordained it) +made the matter easier, and the Squire and the Father, as they rode +towards Merryvale together to dinner, agreed to pack off Andy without +delay, and thus place him beyond Hogan's power; and as Dick Dawson was +going to London with Murphy, to push the petition against Scatterbrain's +return, it was looked upon as a lucky chance, and Andy was at once named +to bear them company. + +“But you must not let Hogan know that Andy is sent away under your +patronage, Squire,” said the Father, “for that would be presumptive +evidence you had an interest in his absence; and Hogan is the very +blackguard would see it fast enough, for he is a knowing rascal.” + +“He's the deepest scoundrel I ever met,” said the Squire. + +“As knowing as a jailer,” said Father Phil. “A jailer, did I say--by +dad, he bates any jailer I ever heard of--for that fellow is so 'cute, +he _could keep Newgate with a book and eye.”_ + +“By-the-bye, there's one thing I forgot to tell you, respecting those +letters I threw into the fire; for remember, Father, I only peeped into +_one_ and destroyed the others; but one of the letters, I must tell you, +was directed to yourself.” + +“'Faith, then, I forgive you that, Squire,” said Father Phil, “for I +hate letters; but if you have any scruple of conscience on the subject, +write me one yourself, and that will do as well.” + +The Squire could not help thinking the Father's mode of settling the +difficulty worthy of Handy Andy himself; but he did not tell the Father +so. + +They had now reached Merryvale, where the good-humoured priest was +heartily welcomed, and where Doctor Growling, Dick Dawson, and Murphy +were also guests at dinner. Great was the delight of the party at the +history they heard, when the cloth was drawn, of Andy's wedding, so +much in keeping with his former life and adventures, and Father Phil had +another opportunity of venting his rage against the “couple-beggar.” + +“That was but a slip-knot you tied, Father,” said the doctor. + +“Aye, aye! joke away, doctor.” + +“Do you think, Father Phil,” said Murphy, “that _that_ marriage was made +in heaven, where we are told marriages _are_ made?” + +“I don't suppose it was, Mr. Murphy; for if it had it would have held +upon earth.” + +“Very well answered, Father,” said the Squire. + +“I don't know what other people think about matches being made in +heaven,” said Growling, “but I have my suspicions they are sometimes +made in another place.” + +“Oh, fie, doctor!” said Mrs. Egan. + +“The doctor, ma'am, is an old bachelor,” said Father Phil, “or he +wouldn't say so.” + +“Thank you, Father Phil, for so polite a speech.” + +The doctor took his pencil from his pocket and began to write on a small +bit of paper, which the priest observing, asked him what he was about, +“or is it writing a prescription you are,” said he, “for compounding +better marriages than I can?” + +“Something very naughty, I dare say, the doctor is doing,” said Fanny +Dawson. + +“Judge for yourself, lady fair,” said the doctor, handing Fanny the slip +of paper. + +Fanny looked at it for a moment and smiled, but declared it was very +wicked indeed. + +“Then read it for the company, and condemn me out of your own pretty +mouth, Miss Dawson,” said the doctor. + +“It is too wicked.” + +“If it is ever so wicked,” said Father Phil, “the wickedness will be +neutralised by being read by an angel.” + +“Well done, St. Omer's,” cried Murphy. + +“Really, Father,” said Fanny, blushing, “you are desperately gallant +to-day, and just to shame you, and show how little of an angel I am, I +_will_ read the doctor's epigram:-- + + 'Though matches are all made in heaven, they say, + Yet Hymen, who mischief oft hatches, + Sometimes deals with the house _t'other side of the way_, + And _there_ they make _Lucifer_ matches.'” + +“Oh, doctor! I'm afraid you are a woman-hater,” said Mrs. Egan. “Come +away, Fanny, I am sure they want to get rid of us.” + +“Yes,” said Fanny, rising and joining her sister, who was leaving the +room, “and now, after abusing poor Hymen, gentlemen, we leave you to +your favourite worship of Bacchus.” + +The departure of the ladies changed the conversation, and after the +gentlemen had resumed their seats, the doctor asked Dick Dawson how soon +he intended going to London. + +“I start immediately,” said Dick. “Don't forget to give me that letter +of introduction to your friend in Dublin, whom I long to know.” + +“Who is he?” asked the Squire. + +“One Tom Loftus--or, as his friends call him, 'Piping Tom,' from his +vocal powers; or, as some nickname him, '_Organ_ Loftus,' from his +imitation of that instrument, which is an excessively comical piece of +caricature.” + +“Oh! I know him well,” said Father Phil. + +“How did you manage to become acquainted with him?” inquired the doctor, +“for I did not think he lay much in your way.” + +“It was _he_ became acquainted with me,” said Father Phil, “and this +was the way of it--he was down on a visit betimes in the parish I was in +before this, and his behaviour was so wild that I was obliged to make +an allusion in the chapel to his indiscretions, and threaten to make +his conduct a subject of severe public censure if he did not mind his +manners a little better. Well, my dear, who should call on me on +the Monday morning after but Misther Tom, all smiles and graces, and +protesting he was sorry he fell under my displeasure, and hoping I would +never have cause to find fault with him again. Sure, I thought he was +repenting of his misdeeds, and I said I was glad to hear such good +words from him. 'A' then, Father,' says he, 'I hear you have got a great +curiosity from Dublin--a shower-bath, I hear?' So I said I had: and +indeed, to be candid, I was as proud as a peacock of the same bath, +which tickled my fancy when I was once in town, and so I bought it. +'Would you show it to me?' says he. 'To be sure,' says I, and off I +went, like a fool, and put the wather on the top, and showed him how, +when a string was pulled, down it came--and he pretended not clearly +to understand the thing, and at last he said, 'Sure it's not into that +sentry-box you get?' says he. 'Oh yes,' said I, getting into it quite +innocent; when, my dear, he slaps the door and fastens it on me, and +pulls the string and souses me with the water, and I with my best suit +of black on me. I roared and shouted inside while Misther Tom Loftus was +screechin' laughing outside, and dancing round the room with delight. At +last, when he could speak, he said, 'Now, Father, we're even,' says he, +'for the abuse you gave me yesterday,' and off he ran.” + +“That's just like him,” said old Growling, chuckling; “he's a queer +devil. I remember on one occasion a poor dandy puppy, who was in the +same office with him--for Tom is in the Ordnance department, you must +know--this puppy, sir, wanted to go to the Ashbourne races and cut a +figure in the eyes of a rich grocer's daughter he was sweet upon.” + +“Being sweet upon a grocer's daughter,” said Murphy, “is like bringing +coals to Newcastle.” + +“'Faith! it was coals to Newcastle with a vengeance, in the present +case, for the girl would have nothing to say to him, and Tom had great +delight whenever he could annoy this poor fool in his love-making plots. +So, when he came to Tom to ask for the loan of his horse, Tom said he +should have him _if he could make the smallest use of him_--'but I don't +think you can,' said Tom. 'Leave that to me,' said the youth. 'I don't +think you could make him go,' said Tom. 'I'll buy a new pair of spurs,' +said the puppy. 'Let them be handsome ones,' said Tom. 'I was looking at +a very handsome pair at Lamprey's, yesterday,' said the young gentleman. +'Then you can buy them on your way to my stables,' said Tom; and sure +enough, sir, the youth laid out his money on a very costly pair of +persuaders, and then proceeded homewards with Tom. 'Now, with all your +spurs,' said Tom, 'I don't think you'll be able to make him go.' 'Is he +so very vicious, then?' inquired the youth, who began to think of his +neck. 'On the contrary,' said Tom, 'he's perfectly quiet, but won't go +for _you_, I'll bet a pound.' 'Done!' said the youth. 'Well, try him,' +said Tom, as he threw open the stable door. 'He's lazy, I see,' said the +youth; 'for he's lying down.' 'Faith, he is,' said Tom, 'and hasn't got +up these two days!' 'Get up, you brute!' said the innocent youth, giving +a smart cut of his whip on the horse's flank; but the horse did not +budge. '_Why, he's dead!_' says he. 'Yes,' says Tom, 'since Monday last. +So I don't think you can make him go, and you've lost your bet!'” + +“That was hardly a fair joke,” said the Squire. + +“Tom never stops to think of that,” returned the doctor; “he's the +oddest fellow I ever knew. The last time I was in Dublin, I called on +Tom and found him one bitter cold and stormy morning standing at an open +window, nearly quite undressed. On asking him what he was about, he +said he was _getting up a bass voice_; that Mrs. Somebody, who gave good +dinners and bad concerts, was disappointed of her bass singer, 'and I +think,' said Tom, 'I'll be hoarse enough in the evening to take double +B flat. Systems are the fashion now,' said he; 'there is the Logierian +system and other systems, and mine is the Cold-air-ian system, and the +best in the world for getting up a bass voice.'” + +“That was very original certainly,” said the Squire. + +“But did you ever hear of his adventure with the Duke of Wellington?” + said the doctor. + +“The Duke!” they all exclaimed. + +“Yes--that is, when he was only Sir Arthur Wellesley. Well, I'll tell +you.” + +“Stop,” said the Squire, “a fresh story requires a fresh bottle. Let me +ring for some claret.” + + + + +CHAPTER XXXII + + +The servant who brought in the claret announced at the same time the +arrival of a fresh guest in the person of “Captain Moriarty,” who +was welcomed by most of the party by the name of Randal. The Squire +regretted he was too late for dinner, inquiring at the same time if +he would like to have something to eat at the side-table; but Randal +declined the offer, assuring the Squire he had got some refreshment +during the day while he had been out shooting; but as the sport led, him +near Merryvale, and “he had a great thirst upon him,” he did not know a +better house in the country wherein to have “that same” satisfied. + +“Then you're just in time for some cool claret,” said the Squire; “so +sit down beside the doctor, for he must have the first glass and broach +the bottle, before he broaches the story he's going to tell us--that's +only fair.” + +The doctor filled his glass, and tasted. “What a nice _'chateau,' +'Margaux'_ must be,” said he, as he laid down his glass. “I should like +to be a tenant-at-will there, at a small rent.” + +“And no taxes,” said Dick. + +“Except my duty to the claret,” replied the doctor. + + 'My favourite chateau, + Is that of Margaux.' + +“By-the-bye, talking of _chateau_, there's the big brewer over at the +town, who is anxious to affect gentility, and he heard some one use the +word _chapeau_, and having found out it was the French for _hat_, he +determined to show off on the earliest possible occasion, and selected +a public meeting of some sort to display his accomplishment. Taking +some cause of objection to the proceedings, as an excuse for leaving the +meeting, he said, 'Gentlemen, the fact is I can't agree with you, so I +may as well take my _chateau_ under my arm at once, and walk.'” + +[Illustration: Tom Organ Loftus and the Duke] + +“Is not that an invention of your own, doctor?” said the Squire. + +“I heard it for fact,” said Growling. + +“And 't is true,” added Murphy, “for I was present when he said it. And +at an earlier part of the proceedings he suggested that the parish clerk +should read the resolutions, because he had a good '_laudable_ voice.'” + +“A parish clerk ought to have,” said the doctor--“eh, Father +Phil?--'_Laudamus!_'” + +“Leave your Latin,” said Dick, “and tell us that story you promised +about the Duke and Tom Loftus.” + +“Right, Misther Dick,” said Father Phil. + +“The story, doctor,” said the Squire. + +“Oh, don't make such bones about it,” said Growling; “'tis but a trifle +after all; only it shows you what a queer and reckless rascal Tom is. I +told you he was called '_Organ_' Loftus by his friends, in consequence +of the imitation he makes of that instrument; and it certainly is worth +hearing and seeing, for your eyes have as much to do with the affair +as your ears. Tom plants himself on a high office-stool, before one of +those lofty desks with long rows of drawers down each side and a +hole between to put your legs under. Well, sir, Tom pulls out the +top drawers, like the stops of an organ, and the lower ones by way of +pedals: and then he begins thrashing the desk like the finger-board of +an organ with his hands, while his feet kick away at the lower drawers +as if he were the greatest pedal performer out of Germany, and he +emits a rapid succession of grunts and squeaks, producing a ludicrous +reminiscence of the instrument, which I defy any one to hear without +laughing. Several sows and an indefinite number of sucking pigs could +not make a greater noise, and Tom himself declares he studied the +instrument in a pigsty, which he maintains gave the first notion of +an organ. Well, sir, the youths in the office assist in 'doing the +service,' as they call it, that is, making an imitation of the chanting +and so forth in St. Patrick's Cathedral.” + +“Oh, the haythens!” said Father Phil. + +“One does Spray, and another Weyman, and another Sir John Stevenson, and +so on; and they go on responsing and singing 'Amen' till the Ordnance +Office rings again.” + +“Have they nothing better to do?” asked the Squire. + +“Very little but reading the papers,” said the doctor. + +“Well--Tom--you must know, sir--was transferred some time ago, by the +interest of many influential friends, to the London department; and the +fame of his musical powers had gone before him from some of the English +clerks in Ireland who had been advanced to the higher posts in Dublin, +and kept up correspondence with their old friends in London; and it was +not long until Tom was requested to go through an anthem on the great +office-desk. Tom was only too glad to be asked, and he kept the +whole office in a roar for an hour with all the varieties of the +instrument--from the diapason to the flute-stop--and the devil a more +business was done in the office _that_ day, and Tom before long made the +sober English fellows as great idlers as the chaps in Dublin. Well--it +was not long until a sudden flush of business came upon the department, +in consequence of the urgent preparations making for supplies to Spain, +at the time the Duke was going there to take the command of the army, +and organ-playing was set aside for some days; but the fellows, after +a week's abstinence, began to yearn for it and Tom was requested to 'do +the service.' Tom, nothing loath, threw aside his official papers, set +up a big ledger before him, and commenced his legerdemain, as he called +it, pulled out his stops, and began to work away like a weaver, while +every now and then he swore at the bellows-blower for not giving him +wind enough, whereupon the choristers would kick the bellows-blower to +accelerate his flatulency. Well, sir, they were in the middle of the +service, and all the blackguards making the responses in due season, +when, just as Tom was quivering under a portentous grunt, which might +have shamed the principal diapason of Harlaem, and the subs were +drawing out a resplendent 'A-a-a-men,' the door opened, and in walked a +smart-looking gentleman, with rather a large nose and quick eye, which +latter glanced round the office, where a sudden endeavour was made by +everybody to get back to his place. The smart gentleman seemed rather +surprised to see a little fat man blowing at a desk instead of the +fire, and long Tom kicking, grunting, and squealing like mad. The +bellows-blower was so taken by surprise he couldn't stir, and Tom, +having his back to them, did not see what had taken place, and went on +as if nothing had happened, till the smart gentleman went up to him, and +tapping on Tom's desk with a little riding-whip, he said, 'I'm sorry to +disturb you, sir, but I wish to know what you're about.' 'We're doing +the service, sir,' said Tom, no ways abashed at the sight of the +stranger, for he did not know it was Sir Arthur Wellesley was talking to +him. 'Not the _public_ service, sir,' said Sir Arthur. 'Yes, sir,' said +Tom, 'the service as by law established in the second year of the reign +of King Edward the Sixth,' and he favoured the future hero of Waterloo +with a touch of the organ. 'Who is the head of this office?' inquired +Sir Arthur. Tom, with a very gracious bow, replied, 'I am principal +organist, sir, and allow me to introduce you to the principal +bellows-blower'--and he pointed to the poor little man who let the +bellows fall from his hand as Sir Arthur fixed his eyes on him. Tom did +not perceive till now that all the clerks were taken with a sudden fit +of industry, and were writing away for the bare life; and he cast a +look of surprise round the office while Sir Arthur was looking at the +bellows-blower. One of the clerks made a wry face at Tom, which showed +him all was not right. 'Is this the way His Majesty's service generally +goes on here?' said Sir Arthur, sharply. No one answered; but Tom saw, +by the long faces of the clerks and the short question of the visitor, +that he was _somebody_. + +“'Some transports are waiting for ordnance stores, and I am referred +to this office,' said Sir Arthur; 'can any one give me a satisfactory +answer?' + +“The senior clerk present (for the head of the office was absent) came +forward and said, 'I believe, sir----' + +“'You _believe_, but you don't _know_,' said Sir Arthur; 'so I must wait +for stores while you are playing tomfoolery here. I'll report this.' +Then producing a little tablet and a pencil, he turned to Tom and said, +'Favour me with your name, sir?' + +“'I give you my honour, sir,' said Tom. + +“'I'd rather you'd give me the stores, sir,--I'll trouble you for your +name?' + +“'Upon my honour, sir,' said Tom, again. + +“'You seem to have a great deal of that article on your hands, sir,' +said Sir Arthur: 'you're an Irishman, I suppose?' + +“'Yes, sir,' said Tom. + +“'I thought so. Your name?' + +“'Loftus, sir.' + +“'Ely family?' + +“'No, sir.' + +“'Glad of it.' + +“He put up his tablet after writing the name. + +“'May I beg the favour to know, sir,' said Tom, 'to whom I have the +honour of addressing myself?' “'Sir Arthur Wellesley, sir.' + +“'Oh! J---s!' cried Tom, 'I'm done!' + +“Sir Arthur could not help laughing at the extraordinary change in Tom's +countenance; and Tom, taking advantage of this relaxation in his iron +manner, said in a most penitent tone, 'Oh, Sir Arthur Wellesley, only +forgive me this time, and 'pon my _sowl_ says he--with the richest +brogue--'I'll play a _Te Deum_ for the first licking you give the +French.' Sir Arthur smiled and left the office.” + +“Did he report as he threatened?” asked the Squire. + +“'Faith, he did.” + +“And Tom?” inquired Dick. + +“Was sent back to Ireland, sir.” + +“That was hard, after the Duke smiled at him,” said Murphy. + +“Well, he did not let him suffer in pocket; he was transferred at as a +good a salary to a less important department, but you know the Duke has +been celebrated all his life for never overlooking a breach of duty.” + +“And who can blame him?” said Moriarty. + +“One great advantage of the practice has been,” said the Squire, “that +no man has been better served. I remember hearing a striking instance of +what, perhaps, might be called severe justice, which he exercised on a +young and distinguished officer of artillery in Spain; and though one +cannot help pitying the case of the gallant young fellow who was the +sacrifice, yet the question of strict duty, _to the very word_, was +set at rest for ever under the Duke's command, and it saved much +_after_-trouble by making every officer satisfied, however fiery his +courage or tender his sense of being suspected of the white feather, +that implicit obedience was the course he _must_ pursue. The case +was this:--the army was going into action----” “What action was it?” + inquired Father Phil, with that remarkable alacrity which men of peace +evince in hearing the fullest particulars about war, perhaps because +it is forbidden to their cloth; one of the many instances of things +acquiring a fictitious value by being interdicted--just as Father Phil +himself might have been a Protestant only for the penal laws. + +“I don't know what action it was,” said the Squire, “nor the officer's +name--for I don't set up for a military chronicler; but it was, as +I have been telling you, going into action that the Duke posted an +officer, with his six guns, at a certain point, telling him to remain +there until he had orders from _him_. Away went the rest of the army, +and the officer was left doing nothing at all, which he didn't like; +for he was one of those high-blooded gentlemen who are never so happy as +when they are making other people miserable, and he was longing for the +head of a French column to be hammering away at. In half an hour or +so he heard the distant sound of action, and it approached nearer and +nearer, until he heard it close behind him; and he wondered rather that +he was not invited to take a share in it, when, pat to his thought, up +came an _aide-de-camp_ at full speed, telling him that General Somebody +ordered him to bring up his guns. The officer asked did not the order +come from Lord Wellington? The _aide-de-camp_ said no, but from the +General, whoever he was. The officer explained that he was placed there +by Lord Wellington, under command not to move, unless by _an order from +himself_. The _aide-de-camp_ stated that the General's entire brigade +was being driven in and must be annihilated without the aid of the guns, +and asked, 'would he let a whole brigade be slaughtered?' in a tone +which wounded the young soldier's pride, savouring, as he thought it +did, of an imputation on his courage. He immediately ordered his guns +to move and joined battle with the General; but while he was away, an +_aide-de-camp_ from Lord Wellington rode up to where the guns _had been +posted,_ and, of course, no gun was to be had for the service which Lord +Wellington required. Well, the French were repulsed, as it happened; but +the want of those six guns seriously marred a preconcerted movement of +the Duke's, and the officer in command of them was immediately brought +to a court-martial, and would have lost his commission but for the +universal interest made in his favour by the general officers in +consideration of his former meritorious conduct and distinguished +gallantry, and under the peculiar circumstances of the case. They did +not break him, but he was suspended, and Lord Wellington sent him home +to England. Almost every general officer in the army endeavoured to get +his sentence revoked, lamenting the fate of a gallant fellow being sent +away for a slight error in judgment while the army was in hot action but +Lord Wellington was inexorable saying he must make an example to secure +himself in the perfect obedience of officers to their orders; and it had +the effect.” + +“Well, that's what I call hard!” said Dick. + +“My dear Dick,” said the Squire, “war is altogether a hard thing, and a +man has no business to be a General who isn't as hard as his own round +shot.” + +“And what became of the _dear_ young man?” said Father Phil, who seemed +much touched by the readiness with which the _dear_ young man set off to +mow down the French. + +“I can tell you,” said Moriarty, “for I served with him afterwards +in the Peninsula. He was let back after a year or so, and became so +thorough a disciplinarian, that he swore, when once he was at his post +'They might kill _his father_ before his face and he wouldn't budge +until he had orders.'” + +“A most Christian resolution,” said the doctor. + +“Well, I can tell you,” said Moriarty, “of a Frenchman, who made a +greater breach of discipline, and it was treated more leniently. I heard +the story from the man's own lips, and if I could only give you his +voice and gesture and manner it would amuse you. What fellows those +Frenchmen are, to be sure, for telling a story! they make a shrug or +a wink have twenty different meanings, and their claws are most +eloquent--one might say they talk on their fingers--and their broken +English, I think, helps them.” + +“Then give the story, Randal, in his manner,” said Dick. “I have heard +you imitate a Frenchman capitally.” + +“Well, here goes,” said Moriarty “but let me wet my whistle with a +glass of claret before I begin--a French story should have French wine.” + Randal tossed off one glass, and filled a second by way of reserve, and +then began the French officer's story. + +“You see, sare, it vos ven in _Espagne_ de bivouac vos vairy ard indeet +'pon us, vor we coot naut get into de town at all, nevair, becos you +dam Ingelish keep all de town to yoursefs--vor we fall back at dat time +becos we get not support--no _corps de reserve_, you perceive--so ve mek +_retrograde_ movement--not _retreat_--no, no--but _retrograde_ movement. +Vell--von night I was wit my picket guart, and it was raining like de +devil, and de vind vos vinding up de valley, so cold as noting at all, +and de dark vos vot you could not see--no--not your nose bevore your +face. Vell, I hear de tramp of horse, and I look into de dark--for ve +vere vairy moche on the _qui vive_, because ve expec de Ingelish to +attaque de next day--but I see noting; but de tramp of horse come closer +and closer, and at last I ask, 'Who is dere?' and de tramp of de horse +stop. I run forward, and den I see Ingelish offisair of cavallerie. I +address him, and tell him he is in our lines, but I do not vant to mek +him prisonair--for you must know dat he _vos_ prisonair, if I like, ven +he vos vithin our line. He is very polite--he says, '_Bien obligé--bon +enfant_;' and we tek off our hat to each ozer. 'I aff lost my roat,' he +say; and I say, 'Yais'--bote I vill put him into his roat, and so I ask +for a moment pardon, and go back to my _caporal_, and tell him to be on +de _qui vive_ till I come back. De Ingelish offisair and me talk very +plaisant vile we go togezer down de leetel roat, and ven we come to de +turn, I say, '_Bon soir_, Monsieur le Capitaine--dat is your vay.' He +den tank me, vera moche like gentilman, and vish he coot mek me some +return for my générosité, as he please to say--and I say, '_Bah!_ +Ingelish gentilman vood do de same to French offisair who lose his vay.' +'Den come here,' he say, '_bon enfant_, can you leave your post for 'aff +an hour?' 'Leave my post?' I say. 'Yais,' said he, 'I know your army has +not moche provision lately, and maybe you are ongrie?' '_Ma foi_, yais,' +said I; 'I aff naut slips to my eyes, nor meat to my stomach, for more +dan fife days.' 'Veil, _bon enfant_,' he say, 'come vis me, and I vill +gif you good supper, goot vine, and goot velcome.' 'Coot I leave my +post?' I say. He say, '_Bah! Caporal_ take care till you come back.' By +gar, I coot naut resist--_he_ vos so _vairy_ moche gentilman and _I_ +vos so ongrie--I go vis him--not fife hunder yarts--_ah! bon Dieu_--how +nice! In de corner of a leetel ruin chapel dere is nice bit of fire, and +hang on a string before it de half of a kid--_oh ciel!_ de smell of +de _ros-bif_ was so nice--I rub my hands to de fire--I sniff de +_cuisine_--I see in anozer corner a couple bottles of wine--_sacré_! it +vos all watair in my mouts! Ve sit down to suppair--I nevair did ate so +moche in my life. Ve did finish de bones, and vosh down all mid ver good +wine--_excellent!_ Ve drink de toast--_à la gloire_--and we talk of de +campaign. Ve drink _à la Patrie_, and den _I_ tink of _la belle France_ +and _ma douce amie_--and _he_ fissel, 'Got safe de king.' Ve den drink +_à l'amitié_, and shek hands over dat fire in good frainship--dem two +hands that might cross de swords in de morning. Yais, sair, dat was +fine--'t was _galliard_--'t was _la vrai chivalrie_--two sojair ennemi +to share de same kid, drink de same wine, and talk like two friends. +Vell, I got den so sleepy, dat my eyes go blink, blink, and my goot +friend says to me, 'Sleep, old fellow; I know you aff got hard fare of +late, and you are tired; sleep, all is quiet for to-night, and I will +call you before dawn.' Sair, I vos _so_ tired, I forgot my duty, and +fall down fast asleep. Veil, sair, in de night de pickets of de two +armie get so close, and mix up, dat some shot gets fired, and in one +moment all in confusion. I am shake by de shoulder--I wake like from +dream--I heard sharp _fusillade_--my friend cry, 'Fly to your post, it +is attack!' We exchange one shek of de hand, and I run off to my post. +_Oh, ciel!_--it is driven in--I see dem fly. _Oh, mon désespoir à ce +moment-là!_ I am ruin--_déshonoré_--I rush to de front--I rally _mes +braves_--ve stand!--ve advance!!--ve regain de post!!!--I am safe!!!! De +_fusillade_ cease--it is only an affair of outposts. I tink I am safe--I +tink I am very fine fellow--but Monsieur _l'Aide-Major_ send for me and +speak, 'Vere vos you last night, sair?' 'I mount guard by de mill.' 'Are +you sure?' '_Oui, monsieur._' 'Vere vos you when your post vos attack?' +I saw it vos no use to deny any longair, so I confess to him everyting. +'Sair,' said he, 'you rally your men very good, _or you should be shot!_ +Young man, remember,' said he--I will never forget his vorts--'young +man, _vine is goot--slip is goot--goat is goot--but honners is +betters!'”_ + +“A capital story, Randal,” cried Dick; “but how much of it did you +invent?” + +“'Pon my life, it is as near the original as possible.” + +“Besides, that is not a fair way of using a story,” said the doctor. +“You should take a story as you get it, and not play the dissector upon +it, mangling its poor body to discover the bit of embellishment; and as +long as a _raconteur_ maintains _vraisemblance_, I contend you are bound +to receive the whole as true.” + +“A most author-like creed, doctor,” said Dick; “you are a story-teller +yourself, and enter upon the defence of your craft with great spirit.” + +“And justice, too,” said the Squire; “the doctor is quite right.” + +“Don't suppose I can't see the little touches of the artist,” said the +doctor; “but so long as they are in keeping with the picture, I +enjoy them; for instance, my friend Randal's touch of the Englishman +'_fissling Got safe de King'_ is very happy--quite in character.” + +“Well, good or bad, the story in substance is true,” said Randal, “and +puts the Englishman in a fine point of view--a generous fellow, sharing +his supper with his enemy whose sword may be through his body in the +next morning's 'affair.'” + +“But the Frenchman was generous to him first,” remarked the Squire. + +“Certainly--I admit it,” said Randal. “In short, they were both fine +fellows.” + +“Oh, sir,” said Father Phil, “the French are not deficient in a +chivalrous spirit. I heard once a very pretty little bit of anecdote +about the way they behaved to one of our regiments on a retreat in +Spain.” + +“_Your_ regiments!” said Moriarty, who was rather fond of hitting hard +at a priest when he could; “a regiment of friars is it?” + +“No, captain, but of soldiers; and it's going through a river they +were, and the French, taking advantage of their helpless condition, were +peppering away at them hard and fast.” + +“Very generous indeed!” said Moriarty, laughing. + +“Let me finish my story, captain, before you quiz it. I say they were +peppering them sorely while they were crossing the river, until some +women--the followers of the camp--ran down (poor creatures) to the +shore, and the stream was so deep in the middle they could scarcely ford +it; so some dragoons who were galloping as hard as they could out of +the fire pulled up on seeing the condition of the women-kind, and each +horseman took up a woman behind him, though it diminished his own power +of speeding from the danger. The moment the French saw this act of manly +courtesy, they ceased firing, gave the dragoons a cheer, and as long as +the women were within gunshot, not a trigger was pulled in the French +line, but volleys of cheers instead of ball-cartridge was sent after the +brigade till all the women were over. Now wasn't that generous?” + +“'T was a handsome thing!” was the universal remark. + +“And 'faith I can tell you, Captain Moriarty, the army took advantage of +it; for there was a great struggle to have the pleasure of the ladies' +company over the river.” + +“I dare say, Father Phil,” said the Squire, laughing. + +“Throth, Squire,” said the _padre_, “fond of the girls as the soldiers +have the reputation of being, they never liked them better than that +same day.” + +“Yes, yes,” said Moriarty, a little piqued, for he rather affected the +“dare-devil.” + +“I see you mean to insinuate that we soldiers fear fire.” + +“I did not say 'fear,' captain--but they'd like to get out of it, for +all that, and small blame to them--aren't they flesh and blood like +ourselves?” + +“Not a bit like you,” said Moriarty. “You sleek and smooth gentlemen who +live in luxurious peace know little of a soldier's danger or feelings.” + +“Captain, we all have our dangers to go through; and may be a priest has +as many as a soldier; and we only show a difference of taste, after all, +in the selection.” + +“Well, Father Blake, all I know is, that a true soldier fears nothing!” + said Moriarty with energy. + +“Maybe so,” answered Father Phil, quietly. “It is quite clear, however,” + said Murphy, “that war, with all its horrors, can call out occasionally +the finer feelings of our natures; but it is only such redeeming traits +as those we have heard which can reconcile us to it. I remember having +heard an incident of war, myself, which affected me much,” said Murphy, +who caught the infection of military anecdote which circled the table; +and indeed there is no more catching theme can be started among men, for +it may be remarked that whenever it is broached it flows on until it is +rather more than time to go to the ladies. + +“It was in the earlier portion of the memorable day of Waterloo,” said +Murphy, “that a young officer of the Guards received a wound which +brought him to the ground. His companions rushed on to seize some point +which their desperate valour was called on to carry, and he was left, +utterly unable to rise, for the wound was in his foot. He lay for some +hours with the thunder of that terrible day ringing around him, and many +a rush of horse and foot had passed close beside him. Towards the close +of the day he saw one of the Black Brunswick dragoons approaching, +who drew rein as his eye caught the young Guardsman, pale and almost +fainting, on the ground. He alighted, and finding he was not mortally +wounded, assisted him to rise, lifted him into his saddle, and helped +to support him there while he walked beside him to the English rear. The +Brunswicker was an old man; his brow and moustache were grey; despair +was in his sunken eye, and from time to time he looked up with an +expression of the deepest yearning into the face of the young soldier, +who saw big tears rolling down the veteran's cheek while he gazed upon +him. 'You seem in bitter sorrow, my kind friend,' said the stripling. +'No wonder,' answered the old man, with a hollow groan. 'I and my three +boys were in the same regiment--they were alive the morning of Ligny--I +am childless to-day. But I have revenged them!' he said fiercely, and +as he spoke he held out his sword, which was literally red with blood. +'But, oh! that will not bring me back my boys!' he exclaimed, relapsing +into his sorrow. 'My three gallant boys!'--and again he wept bitterly, +till clearing his eyes from the tears, and looking up in the young +soldier's handsome face, he said tenderly, 'You are like my youngest +one, and I could not let you lie on the field.'” + +Even the rollicking Murphy's eyes were moist as he recited this +anecdote; and as for Father Phil, he was quite melted, ejaculating in an +under tone, “Oh, my poor fellow! my poor fellow!” + +“So there,” said Murphy, “is an example of a man, with revenge in his +heart, and his right arm tired with slaughter, suddenly melted into +gentleness by a resemblance to his child.” + +“'T is very touching, but very sad,” said the Squire. + +“My dear sir,” said the doctor, with his peculiar dryness, “sadness is +the principal fruit which warfare must ever produce. You may talk of +glory as long as you like, but you cannot have your laurel without your +cypress, and though you may select certain bits of sentiment out of a +mass of horrors, if you allow me, I will give you one little story which +shan't keep you long, and will serve as a commentary upon war and glory +in general. + +“At the peace of 1803, I happened to be travelling through a town in +France where a certain count I knew resided. I waited upon him, and he +received me most cordially, and invited me to dinner. I made the excuse +that I was only _en route_, and supplied with but traveling costume, and +therefore not fit to present myself amongst the guests of such a house +as his. He assured me I should only meet his own family, and pledged +himself for Madame la Comtesse being willing to waive the ceremony of a +_grande toilette_. I went to the house at the appointed hour, and as +I passed through the hall I cast a glance at the dining-room and saw +a very long table laid. On arriving at the reception-room, I taxed the +count with having broken faith with me, and was about making my excuses +to the countess when she assured me the count had dealt honestly by me, +for that I was the only guest to join the family party. Well, we +sat down to dinner, three-and-twenty persons; myself, the count and +countess, and their _twenty children!_ and a more lovely family I never +saw; he a man in the vigour of life, she a still attractive woman, and +these their offspring lining the table, where the happy eyes of father +and mother glanced with pride and affection from one side to the other +on these future staffs of their old age. Well, the peace of Amiens +was of short duration, and I saw no more of the count till Napoleon's +abdication. Then I visited France again, and saw my old friend. But it +was a sad sight, sir, in that same house, where, little more than ten +years before, I had seen the bloom and beauty of twenty children, to +sit down with _three_--all he had left him. His sons had fallen in +battle--his daughters had died widowed, leaving but orphans. And thus it +was all over France. While the public voice shouted 'Glory!' wailing was +in her homes. Her temple of victory was filled with trophies, but her +hearths were made desolate.” + +“Still, sir, a true soldier fears nothing,” repeated Moriarty. + +“_Baithershin,_” said Father Phil. “'Faith I have been in places of +danger you'd be glad to get out of, I can tell you, as bould as you are, +captain.” + +“You'll pardon me for doubting you, Father Blake,” said Moriarty, rather +huffed. + +“'Faith then you wouldn't like to be where I was before I came here; +that is, in a mud cabin, where I was giving the last rites to six people +dying in the typhus fever.” + +“Typhus!” exclaimed Moriarty, growing pale, and instinctively +withdrawing his chair as far as he could from the _padre_ beside whom he +sat. + +“Ay, typhus, sir; most inveterate typhus.” + +“Gracious Heaven!” said Moriarty, rising, “how can you do such a +dreadful thing as run the risk of bearing infection into society?” + +“I thought soldiers were not afraid of anything,” said Father Phil, +laughing at him; and the rest of the party joined in the merriment. + +“Fairly hit, Moriarty,” said Dick. + +“Nonsense,” said Moriarty; “when I spoke of danger, I meant such +open danger as--in short, not such insidious lurking abomination as +infection; for I contend that--” + +“Say no more, Randal,” said Growling, “you're done!--Father Phil has +floored you.” + +“I deny it,” said Moriarty, warmly; but the more he denied it, the more +every one laughed at him. + +“You're more frightened than hurt, Moriarty,” said the Squire; “for the +best of the joke is, Father Phil wasn't in contact with typhus at all, +but was riding with me--and 'tis but a joke.” + +Here they all roared at Moriarty, who was excessively angry, but felt +himself in such a ridiculous position that he could not quarrel with +anybody. + +“Pardon me, my dear captain,” said the Father; “I only wanted to show +you that a poor priest has to run the risk of his life just as much as +the boldest soldier of them all. But don't you think, Squire, 't is time +to join the ladies? I'm sure the tay will be tired waiting for us.” + + + + +CHAPTER XXXIII + + +Mrs. Egan was engaged in some needlework, and Fanny turning over the +leaves of a music-book, and occasionally humming some bars of her +favourite songs, as the gentlemen came into the drawing-room. Fanny rose +from the pianoforte as they entered. + +“Oh, Miss Dawson,” exclaimed Moriarty, “why tantalise us so much as +to let us see you seated in that place where you can render so much +delight, only to leave it as we enter?” + +Fanny turned off the captain's flourishing speech with a few lively +words and a smile, and took her seat at the tea-table to do the honours. +“The captain,” said Father Phil to the doctor, “is equally great in love +or war.” + +“And knows about as little of one as the other,” said the doctor. “His +attacks are too open.” + +“And therefore easily foiled,” said Father Phil; “How that pretty +creature, with the turn of a word and a curl of her lip, upset him that +time! Oh! what a powerful thing a woman's smile is, doctor? I often +congratulate myself that my calling puts all such mundane follies and +attractions out of my way, when I see and know what fools wise men are +sometimes made by silly girls. Oh, it is fearful, doctor; though, of +course, part of the mysterious dispensation of an all-wise Providence.” + +“That fools should have the mastery, is it?” inquired the doctor, drily, +with a mischievous query in his eye as well. “Tut, tut, tut, doctor,” + replied Father Phil, impatiently; “you know well enough what I mean, +and I won't allow you to engage me in one of your ingenious battles of +words. I speak of that wonderful influence of the weaker sex over +the stronger, and how the word of a rosy lip outweighs sometimes the +resolves of a furrowed brow; and how the--pooh! pooh! I'm making a fool +of myself talking to you--but to make a long story short, I would rather +_wrastle_ out a logical dispute any day, or a tough argument of one of +the fathers, than refute some absurdity which fell from a pretty mouth +with a smile on it.” + +“Oh, I quite agree with you,” said the doctor, grinning, “that the +fathers are not half such dangerous customers as the daughters.” + +“Ah, go along with you, doctor!” said Father Phil, with a good-humoured +laugh. “I see you are in one of your mischievous moods, and so I'll have +nothing more to say to you.” + +The Father turned away to join the Squire, while the doctor took a seat +near Fanny Dawson and enjoyed a quiet little bit of conversation with +her, while Moriarty was turning over the leaves of her album; but the +brow of the captain, who affected a taste in poetry, became knit, and +his lip assumed a contemptuous curl, as he perused some lines, and asked +Fanny whose was the composition. + +“I forget,” was Fanny's answer. + +“I don't wonder,” said Moriarty; “the author is not worth remembering, +for they are very rough.” + +Fanny did not seem pleased with the criticism, and said that, when sung +to the measure of the air written down on the opposite page, they were +very flowing. + +“But the principal phrase, the _'refrain'_ I may say, is so vulgar,” + added Moriarty, returning to the charge. “The gentleman says, 'What +would you do?' and the lady answers, 'That's what I'd do.' Do you call +that poetry?” + +“I don't call _that_ poetry,” said Fanny, with some emphasis on the +word; “but if you connect those two phrases with what is intermediately +written, and read all in the spirit of the entire of the verses, I think +there is poetry in them--but if not poetry, certainly feeling.” + +“Can you tolerate '_That's what I'd do'?_--the pert answer of a +housemaid.” + +“A phrase in itself homely,” answered Fanny, “may become elevated by the +use to which it is applied.” + +“Quite true, Miss Dawson,” said the doctor, joining in the discussion. +“But what are these lines which excite Randal's ire?” + +“Here they are,” said Moriarty. “I will read them, if you allow me, and +then judge between Miss Dawson and me. + + 'What will you do, love, when I am going, + With white sail flowing, + The seas beyond? + What will you do, love, when--'” + +“Stop thief!--stop thief!” cried the doctor. “Why, you are robbing +the poet of his reputation as fast as you can. You don't attend to the +rhythm of those lines--you don't give the ringing of the verse.” + +“That's just what I have said in other words,” said Fanny. “When sung to +the melody, they are smooth.” + +“But a good reader, Miss Dawson,” said the doctor, “will read verse with +the proper accent, just as a musician would divide it into bars; but my +friend Randal there, although he can tell a good story and hit off prose +very well, has no more notion of rhythm or poetry than new beer has of a +holiday.” + +“And why, pray, has not new beer a notion of a holiday?” + +“Because, sir, it works of a Sunday.” + +“Your _beer_ may be new, doctor, but your _joke_ is not--I have seen it +before in some old form.” + +“Well, sir, if I found it in its old form, like a hare, and started it +fresh, it may do for folks to run after as well as anything else. But +you shan't escape your misdemeanour in mauling those verses as you have +done, by finding fault with my joke _redevivus._ You read those lines, +sir, like a bellman, without any attention to metre.” + +“To be sure,” said Father Phil, who had been listening for some time; +“they have a ring in them--” + +“Like a pig's nose,” said the doctor. + +“Ah, be aisy,” said Father Phil. “I say they have a ring in them like an +owld Latin canticle-- + + 'What _will_ you _do,_ love, when I am _go_-ing, + With white sail _flow_-ing, + The says be_yond?_' + +That's it!” + +“To be sure,” said the doctor. “I vote for the Father's reading them out +on the spot.” + +“Pray, do, Mister Blake,” said Fanny. + +“Ah, Miss Dawson, what have I to do with reading love verses?” + +“Take the book, sir,” said Growling, “and show me you have some faith in +your own sayings, by obeying a lady directly.” + +“Pooh! pooh!” said the priest. + +“You _won't_ refuse me?” said Fanny, in a coaxing tone. + +“My dear Miss Dawson,” said the _padre._ + +“_Father Phil!_” said Fanny, with one of her rosy smiles. + +“Oh, wow! wow! wow!” ejaculated the priest, in an amusing embarrassment, +“I see you will make me do whatever you like.” So Father Phil gave the +rare example of a man acting up to his own theory, and could not resist +the demand that came from a pretty mouth. He took the book and read the +lines with much feeling, but, with an observance of rhythm so grotesque, +that it must be given in his own manner. + +WHAT WILL YOU DO, LOVE? + +I + + “What _will_ you _do_, love, when I am _go_-ing, + With white sail _flow_-ing, + The seas be-_yond?_ + What _will_ you _do_, love, when waves di-_vide_ us, + And friends may chide us, + For being _fond_?” + + “Though waves di-_vide_ us, and friends be _chi_-ding, + In faith a-_bi_-ding, + I'll still be true; + And I'll pray for _thee_ on the stormy _o_-cean, + In deep de-_vo_-tion,-- + That's _what_ I'll do!” + +II + + “What _would_ you _do_, love, if distant _ti_-dings + Thy fond con-_fi_-dings + Should under-_mine_ + And I a-_bi_-ding 'neath sultry _skies_, + Should think other _eyes_ + Were as bright as _thine_?” + + “Oh, name it _not_; though guilt and _shame_ + Were on thy _name_, + I'd still be _true_; + But that heart of _thine_, should another _share_ it, + I could not _bear it_;-- + What _would_ I do?” + +III + + “What _would_ you do, when, home re-_turn_-ing, + With hopes high _burn_-ing, + With wealth for _you_,-- + If my _bark_, that _bound_-ed o'er foreign _foam_, + Should be lost near _home_,-- + Ah, what _would_ you do?” + + “So them wert _spar_-d, I'd bless the _mor_-row, + In want and _sor_-row, + That left me _you_; + And I'd welcome _thee_ from the wasting _bil_-low, + My heart thy _pil_-low!-- + THAT'S _what_ I'd do!” + +[Footnote: NOTE TO THE THIRD EDITION.--The foregoing dialogue and +Moriarty's captious remarks were meant, when, they appeared in the first +edition, as a hit at a certain small critic--a would-be song-writer--who +does ill-natured articles for the Reviews, and expressed himself very +contemptuously of my songs because of their simplicity; or, as he was +pleased to phrase it, “I had a knack of putting common things together.” + The song was written to illustrate my belief that the most common-place +expression, _appropriately applied_, may successfully serve the purposes +of the lyric; and here experience has proved me right, for this +very song of “What will you do?” (containing within it the other +common-place, “That's what I'd do”) has been received with special +favour by the public, whose long-continued goodwill towards my +compositions generally I gratefully acknowledge.] + +“Well done, _padre!_” said the doctor; “with good emphasis and +discretion.” + +“And now, my dear Miss Dawson,” said Father Phil, “since I've read +the lines at your high bidding, will you sing them for me at my humble +asking?” + +“Very antithetically put, indeed,” said Fanny; “but you must excuse me.” + +“You said there was a tune to it?” + +“Yes; but I promised Captain Moriarty to sing him _this_,” said Fanny, +going over to the pianoforte, and laying her hand on an open music-book. + +“Thanks, Miss Dawson,” said Moriarty, following fast. + +Now, it was not that Fanny Dawson liked the captain that she was going +to sing the song; but she thought he had been rather “_mobbed_” by the +doctor and the _padre_ about the reading of the verses, and it was her +good breeding which made her pay this little attention to the worsted +party. She poured forth her sweet voice in a simple melody to the +following words:-- + +SAY NOT MY HEART IS COLD + +I + + “Say not my heart is cold, + Because of a silent tongue! + The lute of faultless mould + In silence oft hath hung. + The fountain soonest spent + Doth babble down the steep; + But the stream that _ever_ went + Is silent, strong, and deep. + +II + + “The charm of a secret life + Is given to choicest things:-- + Of flowers, the fragrance rife + Is wafted on viewless wings; + We see not the charmed air + Bearing some witching sound; + And ocean deep is where + The pearl of price is found. + +III + + “Where are the stars by day? + They burn, though all unseen! + And love of purest ray + Is like the stars, I ween: + Unmark'd is the gentle light + When the sunshine of joy appears, + But ever, in sorrow's night, + 'T will glitter upon thy tears!” + +“Well, Randal, does that poem satisfy your critical taste?--of the +singing there can be but one opinion.” + +“Yes, I think it pretty,” said Moriarty; “but there is one word in the +last verse I object to.” + +“Which is that?” inquired Growling. + +“_Ween_” said the other, “'the stars, I ween,' I object to.” + +“Don't you see the meaning of that?” inquired the doctor. “I think it is +a very happy allusion.” + +“I don't see any allusion whatever,” said the critic. + +“Don't you see the poet alluded to the stars in the _milky_ way, and +says, therefore, 'The stars I _wean_'?” + +“Bah! bah! doctor,” exclaimed the critical captain; “you are in one +of your quizzing moods to-night, and it is in vain to expect a serious +answer from you.” He turned on his heel as he spoke, and went away. + +“Moriarty, you know, Miss Dawson, is a man who affects a horror of +puns, and therefore I always punish him with as many as I can,” said the +doctor, who was left by Moriarty's sudden pique to the enjoyment of a +pleasant chat with Fanny, and he was sorry when the hour arrived which +disturbed it by the breaking up of the party and the departure of the +guests. + + + + +CHAPTER XXXIV + + +When the Widow Rooney was forcibly ejected from the house of Mrs. James +Casey, and found that Andy was not the possessor of that lady's charms, +she posted off to Neck-or-Nothing Hall, to hear the full and true +account of the transaction from Andy himself. On arriving at the old +iron gate, and pulling the loud bell, she was spoken to through the +bars by the savage old janitor and told to “go out o' that.” Mrs. Rooney +thought fate was using her hard in decreeing she was to receive denial +at every door, and endeavoured to obtain a parley with the gate-keeper, +to which he seemed no way inclined. + +“My name's Rooney, sir?” + +“There's plenty bad o' the name,” was the civil rejoinder. + +“And my son's in Squire O'Grady's sarvice, sir.” + +“Oh--you're the mother of the beauty we call Handy, eh?” + +“Yis, sir.” + +“Well, he left the sarvice yistherday.” + +“Is it lost the place?” + +“Yis.” + +“Oh dear! Ah, sir, let me up to the house and spake to his honour, and +maybe he'll take back the boy.” + +“He doesn't want any more servants at all--for he's dead.” + +“Is it Squire O'Grady dead?” + +“Aye--did you never hear of a dead squire before?” + +“What did he die of, sir?” + +“Find out,” said the sulky brute, walking back into his den. + +It was true--the renowned O'Grady was no more. The fever which had set +in from his “broiled bones,” which he _would_ have in spite of anybody, +was found difficult of abatement; and the impossibility of keeping +him quiet, and his fits of passion, and consequent fresh supplies of +“broiled bones,” rendered the malady unmanageable; and the very +day after Andy had left the house the fever took a bad turn, and in +four-and-twenty hours the stormy O'Grady was at peace. + +What a sudden change fell upon the house! All the wedding paraphernalia +which had been brought down lay neglected in the rooms where it had +been the object of the preceding day's admiration. The deep, absorbing, +silent grief of the wife,--the more audible sorrow of the girls,--the +subdued wildness of the reckless boys, as they trod silently past the +chamber where they no longer might dread reproof for their noise,--all +this was less touching than the effect the event had upon the old +dowager mother. While the senses of others were stunned by the blow, +hers became awakened by the shock; all her absurd aberration passed +away, and she sat in intellectual self-possession by the side of her +son's death-bed, which she never left until he was laid in his +coffin. He was the first and last of her sons. She had now none but +grandchildren to look upon--the intermediate generation had passed away, +and the gap yawned fearfully before her. It restored her, for the time, +perfectly to her senses; and she gave the necessary directions on the +melancholy occasion, and superintended all the sad ceremonials befitting +the time, with a calm and dignified resignation which impressed all +around her with wonder and respect. + +Superadded to the dismay which the death of the head of a family +produces was the terrible fear which existed that O'Grady's body would +be seized for debt--a barbarous practice, which, shame to say, is still +permitted. This fear made great precaution necessary to prevent persons +approaching the house, and accounts for the extra gruffness of the gate +porter. The wild body-guard of the wild chief was on doubly active duty; +and after four-and-twenty hours had passed over the reckless boys, the +interest they took in sharing and directing this watch and ward seemed +to outweigh all sorrowful consideration for the death of their +father. As for Gustavus, the consciousness of being now the master of +Neck-or-Nothing Hall was apparent in a boy not yet fifteen; and not only +in himself, but in the grey-headed retainers about him, this might be +seen: there was a shade more of deference--the boy was merged in “_the +young master_.” But we must leave the house of mourning for the present, +and follow the Widow Rooney, who, as she tramped her way homeward, was +increasing in hideousness of visage every hour. Her nose was twice its +usual dimensions, and one eye was perfectly useless in showing her the +road. At last, however, as evening was closing, she reached her cabin, +and there was Andy, arrived before her, and telling Oonah, his cousin, +all his misadventures of the preceding day. + +The history was stopped for a while by their mutual explanations and +condolences with Mrs. Rooney, on the “cruel way her poor face was used.” + +“And who done it all?” said Oonah. + +“Who but that born divil, Matty Dwyer--and sure they towld me _you_ were +married to her,” said she to Andy. + +“So I was,” said Andy, beginning the account of his misfortunes afresh +to his mother, who from time to time would break in with indiscriminate +maledictions on Andy, as well as his forsworn damsel; and when +the account was ended, she poured out a torrent of abuse upon her +unfortunate forsaken son, which riveted him to the floor in utter +amazement. + +“I thought I'd get pity here, at all events,” said poor Andy; “but +instead o' that it's the worst word and the hardest name in your jaw you +have for me.” + +“And sarve you right, you dirty cur,” said his mother. “I ran off like +a fool when I heerd of your good fortune, and see the condition that +baggage left me in--my teeth knocked in and my eye knocked out, and all +for your foolery, because you couldn't keep what you got.” + +“Sure, mother, I tell you--” + +“Howld your tongue, you _omadhaun!_ And then I go to Squire O'Grady's to +look for you, and there I hear you lost _that_ place, too.” + +“Faix, it's little loss,” said Andy. + +“That's all you know about it, you goose; you lose the place just when +the man's dead and you'd have had a shuit o' mournin'. Oh, you are the +most misfortunate divil, Andy Rooney, this day in Ireland--why did I +rear you at all?” + +“Squire O'Grady dead!” said Andy, in surprise and also with regret for +his late master. + +“Yis--and you've lost the mournin'--augh!” + +“Oh, the poor Squire!” said Andy. + +“The iligant new clothes!” grumbled Mrs. Rooney. “And then luck tumbles +into your way such as man never had; without a place, or a rap to bless +yourself with, you get a rich man's daughter for your wife, and you let +her slip through your fingers.” + +“How could I help it?” said Andy. + +“Augh!--you bothered the job just the way you do everything,” said his +mother. + +“Sure I was civil-spoken to her.” + +“Augh!” said his mother. + +“And took no liberty.” + +“You goose!” + +“And called her Miss.” + +“Oh, indeed you missed it altogether.” + +“And said I wasn't desarvin' of her.” + +“That was thrue--_but you should not have towld her so_. Make a woman +think you're betther than her, and she'll like you.” + +“And sure, when I endayvoured to make myself agreeable to her----” + +“_Endayvoured_!” repeated the old woman contemptuously. “_Endayvoured_, +indeed! Why didn't you _make_ yourself agreeable at once, you poor dirty +goose?--no, but you went sneaking about it--I know as well as if I was +looking at you--you went sneakin' and snivelin' until the girl took +a disgust to you; for there's nothing a woman despises so much as +shilly-shallying.” + +“Sure, you won't hear my defince,” said Andy. + +“Oh, indeed you're betther at defince than attack,” said his mother. + +“Sure, the first little civil'ty I wanted to pay to her, she took up the +three-legged stool to me.” + +“The divil mend you! And what civil'ty did you offer her?” + +“I made a grab at her cap, and I thought she'd have brained me.” + +Oonah set up such a shout of laughter at Andy's notion of civility to +a girl, that the conversation was stopped for some time, and her aunt +remonstrated with her at her want of common sense; or, as she said, +hadn't she “more decency than to laugh at the poor fool's nonsense?” + +“What could I do agen the three-legged stool?” said Andy. + +“Where was your _own_ legs, and your own arms, and your own eyes, and +your own tongue?--eh?” + +“And sure I tell you it was all ready conthrived, and James Casey was +sent for, and came.” + +“Yis,” said the mother, “but not for a long time, you towld me yourself; +and what were you doing all that time? Sure, supposing you _wor_ only a +new acquaintance, any man worth a day's mate would have discoorsed her +over in the time and made her sinsible he was the best of husbands.” + +“I tell you she wouldn't let me have her ear at all,” said Andy. “Nor +her cap either,” said Oonah, laughing. + +“And then Jim Casey kem.” + +“And why did you let him in?” + +“It was _she_ let him in, I tell you.” + +“And why did you let her? He was on the wrong side of the door--that's +the _outside_; and you on the right--that's the _inside_; and it was +_your_ house, and she was _your_ wife, and you were her masther, and +you had the rights of the church, and the rights of the law, and all the +rights on your side; barrin' right rayson--that you never had; and sure +without _that_, what's the use of all the other rights in the world?” + +“Sure, hadn't he his friends, _sthrong_, outside?” + +“No matther, if the door wasn't opened to them, for _then_ YOU would +have had a stronger friend than any o' them present among them.” + +“Who?” inquired Andy. + +“The _hangman_” answered his mother; “for breaking doors is hanging +matther; and I say the presence of the hangman's always before people +when they have such a job to do, and makes them think twice sometimes +before they smash once; and so you had only to keep one woman's hands +quiet.” + +“Faix, some of them would smash a door as soon as not,” said Andy. + +“Well, then, you'd have the satisfaction of hanging them,” said the +mother, “and that would be some consolation. But even as it is, I'll +have law for it--I will--for the property is yours, any how, though the +girl is gone--and indeed a brazen baggage she is, and is mighty heavy +in the hand. Oh, my poor eye!--it's like a coal of fire--but sure it was +worth the risk living with her for the sake of the purty property. And +sure I was thinkin' what a pleasure it would be living with you, and +tachin' your wife housekeepin', and bringing up the young turkeys and +the childhre--but, och hone, you'll never do a bit o' good, you that got +sitch careful bringin' up, Andy Rooney! Didn't I tache you manners, +you dirty hanginbone blackguard? Didn't I tache you your blessed +religion?--may the divil sweep you! Did I ever prevent you from sharing +the lavings of the pratees with the pig?--and didn't you often clane out +the pot with him? and you're no good afther all. I've turned my honest +penny by the pig, but I'll never make my money of _you_, Andy Rooney!” + +There was some minutes' silence after this eloquent outbreak of Andy's +mother, which was broken at last by Andy uttering a long sigh and an +ejaculation. + +“Och? it's a fine thing to be a gintleman,” said Andy. + +“Cock you up!” said his mother. “Maybe it's a gintleman you want to be; +what puts that in your head, you _omadhaun_?” + +“Why, because a gintleman has no hardships, compared with one of uz. +Sure, if a gintleman was married, his wife wouldn't be tuk off from him +the way mine was.” + +“Not so soon, maybe,” said the mother, drily. + +“And if a gintleman brakes a horse's heart, he's only a '_bowld rider_,' +while a poor sarvant is a 'careless blackguard' for only taking a +sweat out of him. If a gintleman dhrinks till he can't see a hole in a +laddher, he's only '_feesh_--but '_dhrunk_' is the word for a poor man. +And if a gintleman kicks up a row, he's a 'fine sperited fellow,' while +a poor man is a 'disordherly vagabone' for the same; and the Justice +axes the one to dinner and sends th' other to jail. Oh, faix, the law +is a dainty lady; she takes people by the hand who can afford to wear +gloves, but people with brown fists must keep their distance.” + +“I often remark,” said his mother, “that fools spake mighty sinsible +betimes; but their wisdom all goes with their gab. Why didn't you take +a betther grip of your luck when you had it? You're wishing you wor +a gintleman, and yet when you had the best part of a gintleman (the +property, I mane) put into your way, you let it slip through your +fingers; and afther lettin' a fellow take a rich wife from you and turn +you out of your own house, you sit down on a stool there, and begin to +_wish_ indeed!--you sneakin' fool--wish, indeed! Och! if you wish with +one hand, and wash with th' other, which will be clane first--eh?” + +“What could I do agen eight?” asked Andy. + +“Why did you let them in, I say again?” said the mother, quickly. + +“Sure the blame wasn't with me,” said Andy, “but with--” + +“Whisht, whisht, you goose!” said his mother. “Av course you'll blame +every one and everything but yourself--'_The losing horse blames the +saddle_.'” + +“Well, maybe it's all for the best,” said Andy, “afther all.” + +“Augh, howld your tongue!” + +“And if it _wasn't_ to be, how could it be?” + +“Listen to him!” + +“And Providence is over us all.” + +“Oh! yis!” said the mother. “When fools make mistakes they lay the blame +on Providence. How have you the impidence to talk o' Providence in that +manner? _I'll_ tell you where the Providence was. Providence sent you to +Jack Dwyer's, and kep Jim Casey away, and put the anger into owld Jack's +heart--that's what the Providence did!--and made the opening for you to +spake up, and gave you a wife--a wife with _property!_ Ah, there's where +the Providence was!--and you were the masther of a snug house--that was +Providence! And wouldn't myself have been the one to be helping you +in the farm--rearing the powlts, milkin' the cow, makin' the iligant +butther, with lavings of butthermilk for the pigs--the sow thriving, and +the cocks and hens cheering your heart with their cacklin'--the hank +o' yarn on the wheel, and a hank of ingins up the chimbley--oh! there's +where the Providence would have been--that _would have been Providence +indeed!_--but never tell me that Providence turned you out of the house; +_that_ was your own _goostherumfoodle._” + +“Can't he take the law o' them, aunt?” inquired Oonah. + +“To be sure he can--and shall, too,” said the mother. “I'll be off to +'torney Murphy to-morrow; I'll pursue her for my eye, and Andy for the +property, and I'll put them all in Chancery, the villains!” + +“It's Newgate they ought to be put in,” said Andy. + +“Tut, you fool, Chancery is worse than Newgate: for people sometimes get +out of Newgate, but they never get out of Chancery, I hear.” + +As Mrs. Rooney spoke, the latch of the door was raised, and a miserably +clad woman entered, closed the door immediately after her, and placed +the bar against it. The action attracted the attention of all the +inmates of the house, for the doors of the peasantry are universally +“left on the latch,” and never secured against intrusion until the +family go to bed. + +“God save all here!” said the woman, as she approached the fire. + +“Oh, is that you, ragged Nance?” said Mrs. Rooney; for that was the +unenviable but descriptive title the new-comer was known by: and though +she knew it for her _soubriquet_, yet she also knew Mrs. Rooney would +not call her by it if she were not in an ill temper, so she began humbly +to explain the cause of her visit, when Mrs. Rooney broke in gruffly-- + +“Oh, you always make out a good rayson for coming; but we have nothing +for you to-night.” + +“Throth, you do me wrong,” said the beggar, “if you think I came +_shooling._ [Footnote: Going on chance here and there, to pick up what +one can.] It's only to keep harm from the innocent girl here.” + +“Arrah, what harm would happen her, woman?” returned the widow, +savagely, rendered more morose by the humble bearing of her against whom +she directed her severity; as if she got more angry the less the poor +creature would give her cause to justify her harshness. “Isn't she +undher my roof here?” + +“But how long may she be left there?” asked the woman, significantly. + +“What do you mane, woman?” + +“I mane there's a plan to carry her off from you to-night.” + +Oonah grew pale with true terror, and the widow screeched, after the +more approved manner of elderly ladies making believe they are very much +shocked, till Nance reminded her that crying would do no good, and +that it was requisite to make some preparation against the approaching +danger. Various plans were hastily suggested, and as hastily +relinquished, till Nance advised a measure which was deemed the best. It +was to dress Andy in female attire and let him be carried off in place +of the girl. Andy roared with laughter at the notion of being made a +girl of, and said the trick would instantly be seen through. + +“Not if you act your part well; just keep down the giggle, jewel, and +put on a moderate _phillelew,_ and do the thing nice and steady, and +you'll be the saving of your cousin here.” + +“_You_ may deceive them with the dhress; and _I_ may do a bit of a small +_shilloo,_ like a _colleen_ in disthress, and that's all very well,” + said Andy, “as far as seeing and hearing goes; but when they come to +grip me, sure they'll find out in a minute.” + +“We'll stuff you out well with rags and sthraw, and they'll never know +the differ--besides, remember, the fellow that wants a girl never comes +for her himself, [Footnote: This is mostly the case.] but sends his +friends for her, and they won't know the differ--besides, they're all +dhrunk.” + +“How do you know?” + +“Because they're always dhrunk--that same crew; and if they're not +dhrunk to-night, it's the first time in their lives they ever were +sober. So make haste, now, and put off your coat, till we make a purty +young colleen out o' you.” + +It occurred now to the widow that it was a service of great danger Andy +was called on to perform; and with all her abuse of “_omadhaun_” she +did not like the notion of putting him in the way of losing his life, +perhaps. + +“They'll murdher the boy, maybe, when they find out the chate,” said the +widow. + +“Not a bit,” said Nance. + +“And suppose they did,” said Andy, “I'd rather die, sure, than the +disgrace should fall upon Oonah, there.” + +“God bless you, Andy dear!” said Oonah. “Sure, you have the kind heart, +anyhow; but I wouldn't for the world hurt or harm should come to you on +my account.” + +“Oh, don't be afeard!” said Andy, cheerily; “divil a hair I value all +they can do; so dhress me up at once.” + +After some more objections on the part of his mother, which Andy +overruled, the women all joined in making up Andy into as tempting +an imitation of feminality as they could contrive; but to bestow the +roundness of outline on the angular form of Andy was no easy matter, +and required more rags than the house afforded, so some straw was +indispensable, which the pig's bed only could supply. In the midst of +their fears, the women could not help laughing as they effected some +likeness to their own forms, with their stuffing and padding; but +to carry off the width of Andy's shoulders required a very ample and +voluptuous outline indeed, and Andy could not help wishing the straw +was a little sweeter which they were packing under his nose. At last, +however, after soaping down his straggling hair on his forehead, and +tying a bonnet upon his head to shade his face as much as possible, the +disguise was completed, and the next move was to put Oonah in a place of +safety. + +“Get upon the hurdle in the corner, under the thatch,” said Nance. + +“Oh, I'd be afeard o' my life to stay in the house at all.” + +“You'd be safe enough, I tell you,” said Nance; “for once they see that +fine young woman there,” pointing to Andy, and laughing, “they'll be +satisfied with the lob we've made for them.” + +Oonah still expressed her fear of remaining in the cabin. + +“Then hide in the pratee-trench, behind the house.” + +“That's better,” said Oonah. + +“And now I must be going,” said Nance; “for they must not see me when +they come.” + +“Oh, don't leave me, Nance dear,” cried Oonah, “for I'm sure I'll faint +with the fright when I hear them coming, if some one is not with me.” + +Nance yielded to Oonah's fears and entreaties, and with many a blessing +and boundless thanks for the beggar-woman's kindness, Oonah led the +way to the little potato garden at the back of the house, and there +the women squatted themselves in one of the trenches and awaited the +impending event. + +[Illustration: The Abduction] + +It was not long in arriving. The tramp of approaching horses at a sharp +pace rang through the stillness of the night, and the women, crouching +flat beneath the overspreading branches of the potato tops, lay +breathless in the bottom of the trench, as the riders came up to the +widow's cottage and entered. There they found the widow and her pseudo +niece sitting at the fire; and three drunken vagabonds, for the fourth +was holding the horses outside, cut some fantastic capers round the +cabin, and making a mock obeisance to the widow, the spokesman addressed +her with-- + +“Your sarvant, ma'am!” + +“Who are yiz at all, gintleman, that comes to my place at this time o' +night, and what's your business?” + +“We want the loan o' that young woman there, ma'am,” said the ruffian. + +Andy and his mother both uttered small squalls. + +“And as for who we are, ma'am, we're the blessed society of Saint +Joseph, ma'am--our coat of arms is two heads upon one pillow, and our +motty, 'Who's afraid?--Hurroo!'” shouted the savage, and he twirled his +stick and cut another caper. Then coming up to Andy, he addressed him +as “young woman,” and said there was a fine strapping fellow whose heart +was breaking till he “rowled her in his arms.” + +Andy and the mother both acted their parts very well. He rushed to the +arms of the old woman for protection, and screeched small, while the +widow shouted “_millia murther!_” at the top of her voice, and did not +give up her hold of the make-believe young woman until her cap was torn +half off, and her hair streamed about her face. She called on all the +saints in the calendar, as she knelt in the middle of the floor and +rocked to and fro, with her clasped hands raised to heaven, calling down +curses on the “villains and robbers” that were tearing her child from +her, while they threatened to stop her breath altogether if she did not +make less noise, and in the midst of the uproar dragged off Andy, whose +struggles and despair might have excited the suspicion of soberer men. +They lifted him up on a stout horse, in front of the most powerful man +of the party, who gripped Andy hard round the middle and pushed his +horse to a hand gallop, followed by the rest of the party. The proximity +of Andy to his _cavaliero_ made the latter sensible to the bad odour +of the pig's bed, which formed Andy's luxurious bust and bustle; but he +attributed the unsavoury scent to a bad breath on the lady's part, and +would sometimes address his charge thus:-- + +“Young woman, if you plaze, would you turn your face th' other way;” + then in a side soliloquy, “By Jaker, I wondher at Jack's taste--she's +a fine lump of a girl, but her breath is murther intirely--phew--young +woman, turn away your face, or by this and that I'll fall off the horse. +I've heerd of a bad breath that might knock a man down, but I never met +it till now. Oh, murther! it's worse it's growin'--I suppose 't is the +bumpin' she's gettin' that shakes the breath out of her sthrong--oh, +there it is again--phew!” + +It was as well, perhaps, for the prosecution of the deceit, that the +distaste the fellow conceived for his charge prevented any closer +approaches to Andy's visage, which might have dispelled the illusion +under which he still pushed forward to the hills and bumped poor Andy +towards the termination of his ride. Keeping a sharp look-out as he went +along, Andy soon was able to perceive they were making for that wild +part of the hills where he had discovered the private still on the night +of his temporary fright and imaginary rencontre with the giants, and the +conversation he partly overheard all recurred to him, and he saw at once +that Oonah was the person alluded to, whose name he could not catch, a +circumstance that cost him many a conjecture in the interim. This gave +him a clue to the persons into whose power he was about to fall, after +having so far defeated their scheme, and he saw he should have to deal +with very desperate and lawless parties. Remembering, moreover, the +herculean frame of the inamorato, he calculated on an awful thrashing as +the smallest penalty he should have to pay for deceiving him, but was, +nevertheless, determined to go through the adventure with a good heart, +to make deceit serve his turn as long as he might, and at the last, if +necessary, to make the best fight he could. + +As it happened, luck favoured Andy in his adventure, for the hero of the +blunderbuss (and he, it will be remembered, was the love-sick gentleman) +drank profusely on the night in question, quaffing deep potations to +the health of his Oonah, wishing luck to his friends and speed to their +horses, and every now and then ascending the ladder from the cave, and +looking out for the approach of the party. On one of these occasions, +from the unsteadiness of the ladder, or himself, or perhaps both, his +foot slipped, and he came to the ground with a heavy fall, in which his +head received so severe a blow that he became insensible, and it was +some time before his sister, who was an inhabitant of this den, could +restore him to consciousness. This she did, however, and the savage +recovered all the senses the whisky had left him; but still the stunning +effect of the fall cooled his courage considerably, and, as it were, +“bothered” him so, that he felt much less of the “gallant gay Lothario” + than he had done before the accident. + +The tramp of horses was heard overhead ere long, and _Shan More_, or +Big John, as the Hercules was called, told Bridget to go up to “the +darlin',” and help her down. + +“For that's a blackguard laddher,” said he; “it turned undher me like +an eel, bad luck to it!--tell her I'd go up myself, only the ground is +slipping from undher me--and the laddher--” + +Bridget went off, leaving Jack growling forth anathemas against the +ground and the ladder, and returned speedily with the mock-lady and her +attendant squires. + +“Oh, my jewel!” roared Jack, as he caught sight of his prize. He +scrambled up on his legs, and made a rush at Andy, who imitated a +woman's scream and fright at the expected embrace; but it was with much +greater difficulty he suppressed his laughter at the headlong fall with +which Big Jack plunged his head into a heap of turf, [Footnote: Peat] +and hugged a sack of malt which lay beside it. + +Andy endeavoured to overcome the provocation to merriment by screeching; +and as Bridget caught the sound of this tendency towards laughter +between the screams, she thought it was the commencement of a fit +of hysterics, and it accounted all the better for Andy's extravagant +antics. + +“Oh, the craythur is frightened out of her life!” said Bridget. “Leave +her to me,” said she to the men. “There, jewel machree!” she continued +to Andy, soothingly, “don't take on you that way--don't be afeerd, +you're among friends--Jack is only dhrunk dhrinking your health, +darlin', but he adores you.” Andy screeched. + +“But don't be afeerd, you'll be thrated tender, and he'll marry you, +darlin', like an honest woman!” + +Andy squalled. + +“But not to-night, jewel--don't be frightened.” + +Andy gave a heavy sob at the respite. + +“Boys, will you lift Jack out o' the turf, and carry him up into the +air? 't will be good for him, and this dacent girl will sleep with me +to-night.” + +Andy couldn't resist a laugh at this, and Bridget feared the girl was +going off into hysterics again. + +“Aisy, dear--aisy--sure you'll be safe with me.” + +“Ow! ow! ow!” shouted Andy. + +“Oh, murther!” cried Bridget, “the sterricks will be the death of her! +You blackguards, you frightened her coming up here, I'm sure.” + +The men swore they behaved in the genteelest manner. “Well, take away +Jack, and the girl shall have share of my bed for this night.” + +Andy shook internally with laughter. + +“Dear, dear, how she thrimbles!” cried Bridget, “Don't be so frightful, +_lanna machree_--there, now--they're taking Jack away, and you're alone +with myself and will have a nice sleep.” + +The men all the time were removing _Shan More_ to upper air; and the +last sounds they heard as they left the cave were the coaxing tones of +Bridget's voice, inviting Andy, in the softest words, to go to bed. + + + + +CHAPTER XXXV + + +The workshops of Neck-or-Nothing Hall rang with the sounds of occupation +for two days after the demise of its former master. The hoarse grating +sound of the saw, the whistling of the plane, and the stroke of the +mallet denoted the presence of the carpenter; and the sharper clink of +a hammer told of old Fogy, the family “milliner,” being at work; but +it was not on millinery Fogy was now employed, though neither was it +legitimate tinker's work. He was scrolling out with his shears, and +beating into form, a plate of tin, to serve for the shield on O'Grady's +coffin, which was to record his name, age, and day of departure; and +this was the second plate on which the old man worked, for one was +already finished in the corner. Why are there two coffin-plates? Enter +the carpenter's shop, and you will see the answer in two coffins the +carpenter has nearly completed. But why two coffins for one death? +Listen, reader, to a bit of Irish strategy. + +It has been stated that an apprehension was entertained of a seizure of +the inanimate body of O'Grady for the debts it had contracted in life, +and the harpy nature of the money-lender from whom this movement was +dreaded warranted the fear. Had O'Grady been popular, such a measure on +the part of a cruel creditor might have been defied, as the surrounding +peasantry would have risen _en masse_ to prevent it; but the hostile +position in which he had placed himself towards the people alienated the +natural affection they are born with for their chiefs, and any partial +defence the few fierce retainers whom individual interest had attached +to him could have made might have been insufficient; therefore, to save +his father's remains from the pollution (as the son considered) of a +bailiff's touch, Gustavus determined to achieve by stratagem what he +could not accomplish by force, and had two coffins constructed, the one +to be filled with stones and straw, and sent out by the front entrance +with all the demonstration of a real funeral, and be given up to the +attack it was feared would be made upon it while the other, put to its +legitimate use, should be placed on a raft, and floated down the river +to an ancient burial-ground which lay some miles below on the opposite +bank. A facility for this was afforded by a branch of the river running +up into the domain, as it will be remembered; and the scene of the +bearish freaks played upon Furlong was to witness a trick of a more +serious nature. + +While all these preparations were going forward, the “waking” was kept +up in all the barbarous style of old times; eating and drinking in +profusion went on in the house, and the kitchen of the hall rang with +joviality. The feats of sports and arms of the man who had passed +away were lauded, and his comparative achievements with those of +his progenitors gave rise to many a stirring anecdote; and bursts of +barbarous exultation, or more barbarous merriment, rang in the house +of death. There was no lack of whisky to fire the brains of these +revellers, for the standard of the measurement of family grandeur was, +too often, a liquid one in Ireland, even so recently as the time we +speak of; and the dozens of wine wasted during the life it helped to +shorten, and the posthumous gallons consumed in toasting to the memory +of the departed, were among the cherished remembrances of hereditary +honour. “There were two hogsheads of whisky drank at my father's wake!” + was but a moderate boast of a true Irish squire, fifty years ago. + +And now the last night of the wake approached, and the retainers +thronged to honour the obsequies of their departed chief with an +increased enthusiasm, which rose in proportion as the whisky got low; +and songs in praise of their present occupation--that is, getting +drunk--rang merrily round, and the sports of the field and the sorrows +and joys of love resounded; in short, the ruling passions of life +figured in rhyme and music in honour of this occasion of death--and as +death is the maker of widows, a very animated discussion on the subject +of widowhood arose, which afforded great scope for the rustic wits, and +was crowned by the song of “Widow Machree” being universally called for +by the company; and a fine-looking fellow with a merry eye and large +white teeth, which he amply displayed by a wide mouth, poured forth in +cheery tones a pretty lively air which suited well the humorous spirit +of the words:-- + +WIDOW MACHREE + + “Widow _machree_, it's no wonder you frown, + Och hone! widow machree: + 'Faith, it ruins your looks, that same dirty black gown, + Och hone! widow machree. + How altered your hair, + With that close cap you wear-- + 'Tis destroying your hair + Which should be flowing free: + Be no longer a churl + Of its black silken curl, + Och hone! widow machree. + + “Widow machree, now the summer is come, + Och hone! widow machree; + When everything smiles, should a beauty look glum! + Och hone! widow machree. + See the birds go in pairs, + And the rabbits and hares-- + Why even the bears + Now in couples agree; + And the mute little fish, + Though they can't spake, they wish, + Och hone! widow machree. + + “Widow machree, and when winter comes in, + Och hone! widow machree, + To be poking the fire all alone is a sin, + Och hone! widow machree, + Sure the shovel and tongs + To each other belongs, + And the kittle sings songs + Full of family glee, + While alone with your cup, + Like a hermit _you_ sup-- + Och hone! widow machree. + + “And how do you know, with the comforts I've towld, + Och hone! widow machree, + But you're keeping some poor fellow out in the cowld, + Och hone! widow machree. + With such sins on your head, + Sure your peace would be fled, + Could you sleep in your bed, + Without thinking to see + Some ghost or some sprite, + That would wake you each night, + Crying, 'Och hone! widow machree.' + + “Then take my advice, darling widow machree, + Och hone! widow machree, + And with my advice, 'faith I wish you'd take me, + Och hone! widow machree. + You'd have me to desire + Then to sit by the fire; + And sure hope is no liar + In whispering to me + That the ghosts would depart, + When you'd me near your heart, + Och hone! widow machree.” + +The singer was honoured with a round of applause, and his challenge for +another lay was readily answered, and mirth and music filled the night +and ushered in the dawn of the day which was to witness the melancholy +sight of the master of an ample mansion being made the tenant of the +“narrow house.” + +In the evening of that day, however, the wail rose loud and long; the +mirth which “the waking” permits had passed away, and the _ulican_, or +funeral cry, told that the lifeless chief was being borne from his hall. +That wild cry was heard even by the party who were waiting to make their +horrid seizure, and for _that_ party the stone-laden coffin was sent +with a retinue of mourners through the old iron gate of the principal +entrance, while the mortal remains were borne by a smaller party to the +river inlet and placed on the raft. Half an hour had witnessed a sham +fight on the part of O'Grady's people with the bailiffs and their +followers, who made the seizure they intended, and locked up their prize +in an old barn to which it had been conveyed, until some engagement on +the part of the heir should liberate it; while the aforesaid heir, as +soon as the shadows of evening had shrouded the river in obscurity, +conveyed the remains, which the myrmidons of the law fancied they +possessed, to its quiet and lonely resting-place. The raft was taken +in tow by a boat carrying two of the boys, and pulled by four lusty +retainers of the departed chief, while Gustavus himself stood on the +raft, astride over the coffin, and with an eel-spear, which had afforded +him many a day's sport, performed the melancholy task of guiding it. +It was a strangely painful yet beautiful sight to behold the graceful +figure of the fine boy engaged in this last sad duty; with dexterous +energy he plied his spear, now on this side and now on that, directing +the course of the raft, or clearing it from the flaggers which +interrupted its passage through the narrow inlet. This duty he had to +attend to for some time, even after leaving the little inlet; for the +river was much overgrown with flaggers at this point, and the increasing +darkness made the task more difficult. + +In the midst of all this action not one word was spoken, even the sturdy +boatmen were mute, and the fall of the oar in the rowlock, the plash of +the water, and the crushing sound of the yielding rushes as the “watery +bier” made its way through them were the only sounds which broke the +silence. Still Gustavus betrayed no emotion; but by the time they +reached the open stream, and that his personal exertion was no longer +required, a change came over him. It was night,--the measured beat of +the oars sounded like a knell to him--there was darkness above him and +death below, and he sank down upon the coffin, and plunging his face +passionately between his hands, he wept bitterly. Sad were the thoughts +that oppressed the brain and wrung the heart of the high-spirited +boy. He felt that his dead father was _escaping_, as it were, to +the grave,--that even death did not terminate the consequences of an +ill-spent life. He felt like a thief in the night, even in the execution +of his own stratagem, and the bitter thoughts of that sad and solemn +time wrought a potent spell over after-years; that one hour of misery +and disgrace influenced the entire of a future life. + +On a small hill overhanging the river was the ruin of an ancient early +temple of Christianity, and to its surrounding burial-ground a few of +the retainers had been despatched to prepare a grave. They were engaged +in this task by the light of a torch made of bog-pine, when the flicker +of the flame attracted the eye of a horseman who was riding slowly along +the neighbouring road. Wondering what could be the cause of light +in such a place, he leaped the adjoining fence and rode up to the +grave-yard. + +“What are you doing here?” he said to the labourers. They paused and +looked up, and the flash of the torch fell upon the features of +Edward O'Connor. “We're finishing your work,” said one of the men with +malicious earnestness. + +“My work?” repeated Edward. + +“Yes,” returned the man, more sternly than before--“this is the grave of +O'Grady.” + +The words went like an ice-bolt through Edward's heart, and even by the +torchlight the tormentor could see his victim grew livid. + +The fellow who wounded so deeply one so generally beloved as Edward +O'Connor was a thorough ruffian. His answer to Edward's query sprang not +from love of O'Grady, nor abhorrence of taking human life, but from the +opportunity of retort which the occasion offered upon one who had once +checked him in an act of brutality. + +Yet Edward O'Connor could not reply--it was a home thrust. The death +of O'Grady had weighed heavily upon him; for though O'Grady's wound +had been given in honourable combat, provoked by his own fury, and not +producing immediate death; though that death had supervened upon the +subsequent intractability of the patient; yet the fact that O'Grady had +never been “up and doing” since the duel tended to give the impression +that his wound was the remote if not the immediate cause of his death, +and this circumstance weighed heavily on Edward's spirits. His friends +told him he felt over keenly upon the subject, and that no one but +himself could entertain a question of _his_ total innocence of O'Grady's +death; but when from the lips of a common peasant he got the answer +he did, and _that_ beside the grave of his adversary, it will not be +wondered at that he reeled in his saddle. A cold shivering sickness +came over him, and to avoid falling he alighted and leaned for support +against his horse, which stooped, when freed from the restraint of the +rein, to browse on the rank verdure; and for a moment Edward envied the +unconsciousness of the animal against which he leaned. He pressed his +forehead against the saddle, and from the depth of a bleeding heart came +up an agonised exclamation. + +A gentle hand was laid on his shoulder as he spoke, and, turning round, +he beheld Mr. Bermingham. + +“What brings you here?” said the clergyman. + +“Accident,” answered Edward. “But why should I say accident?--it is by a +higher authority and a better--it is the will of Heaven. It is meant as +a bitter lesson to human pride: we make for ourselves laws of _honour_, +and forget the laws of God!” + +“Be calm, my young friend,” said the worthy pastor; “I cannot wonder you +feel deeply--but command yourself.” He pressed Edward's hand as he spoke +and left him, for he knew that an agony so keen is not benefited by +companionship. + +Mr. Bermingham was there by appointment to perform the burial service, +and he had not left Edward's side many minutes when a long wild whistle +from the waters announced the arrival of the boat and raft, and the +retainers ran down to the river, leaving the pine-torch stuck in the +upturned earth, waving its warm blaze over the cold grave. During +the interval which ensued between the departure of the men and their +reappearance, bearing the body to its last resting-place, Mr. Bermingham +spoke with Edward O'Connor, and soothed him into a more tranquil +bearing. When the coffin came within view he advanced to meet it, and +began the sublime burial-service, which he repeated most impressively. +When it was over, the men commenced filling up the grave. As the clods +fell upon the coffin, they smote the hearts of the dead man's children; +yet the boys stood upon the verge of the grave as long as a vestige +of the tenement of their lost father could be seen; but as soon as the +coffin was hidden, they withdrew from the brink, and the younger boys, +each taking hold of the hand of the eldest, seemed to imply the need +of mutual dependence:--as if death had drawn closer the bond of +brotherhood. + +There was no sincerer mourner at that place than Edward O'Connor, who +stood aloof, in respect for the feelings of the children of the departed +man, till the grave was quite filled up, and all were about to leave the +spot; but then his feelings overmastered him, and, impelled by a torrent +of contending emotions, he rushed forward, and throwing himself on his +knees before Gustavus, he held up his hands imploringly, and sobbed +forth, “Forgive me!” + +The astonished boy drew back. + +“Oh, forgive me!” repeated Edward--“I could not help it--it was forced +on me--it was--” + +As he struggled for utterance, even the rough retainers were touched, +and one of them exclaimed, “Oh, Mr. O'Connor, it was a fair fight!” + +“There!” exclaimed Edward--“you hear it! Oh, give me your hand in +forgiveness!” + +“I forgive you,” said the boy, “but do not ask me to give you my hand +to-night.” + +“You are right” said Edward, springing to his feet--“you are right--you +are a noble fellow; and now, remember my parting words, Gustavus:--Here, +by the side of your father's grave, I pledge you my soul that through +life and till death, in all extremity, Edward O'Connor is your sworn and +trusty friend.” + + + + +CHAPTER XXXVI + + +While the foregoing scene of sadness took place in the lone churchyard, +unholy watch was kept over the second coffin by the myrmidons of the +law. The usurer who made the seizure had brought down from Dublin three +of the most determined bailiffs from amongst the tribe, and to their +care was committed the keeping of the supposed body in the old barn. +Associated with these worthies were a couple of ill-conditioned country +blackguards, who, for the sake of a bottle of whisky, would keep company +with Old Nick himself, and who expected, moreover, to hear “a power +o' news” from the “gentlemen” from Dublin, who, in their turn did not +object to have their guard strengthened, as their notions of a rescue in +the country parts of Ireland were anything but agreeable. The night was +cold, so, clearing away from one end of the barn the sheaves of corn +with which it was stored, they made a turf fire, stretched themselves +on a good shake-down of straw before the cheering blaze, and circulated +among them the whisky, of which they had a good store. A tap at the +door announced a new-comer; but the Dublin bailiffs, fearing a surprise, +hesitated to open to the knock until their country allies assured them +it was a friend whose voice they recognised. The door was opened, and in +walked Larry Hogan, to pick up his share of what was going, whatever it +might be, saying-- + +“I thought you wor for keeping me out altogether.” + +“The gintlemin from Dublin was afeard of what they call a riskya” + (rescue), said the peasant, “till I told them 't was a friend.” + +“Divil a riskya will come near you to-night,” said Larry, “you may make +your minds aisy about that, for the people doesn't care enough about +_his_ bones to get their own broke in savin' him, and no wondher. It's +a lantherumswash bully he always was, quiet as he is now. And there you +are, my bold squire,” said he, apostrophising the coffin which had +been thrown on a heap of sheaves. “Faix, it's a good kitchen you kep', +anyhow, whenever you had it to spind; and indeed when you _hadn't_ you +spint it all the same, for the divil a much you cared how you got +it; but death has made you pay the reckoning at last--that thing that +filly-officers call the debt o' nature must be paid, whatever else you +may owe.” + +“Why, it's as good as a sarmon to hear you,” said one of the bailiffs. +“O Larry, sir, discourses iligant,” said a peasant. + +“Tut, tut, tut,” said Larry, with affected modesty: “it's not what _I_ +say, but I can tell you a thing that Docthor Growlin' put out on him +more nor a year ago, which was mighty 'cute. Scholars calls it an +'epithet of dissipation,' which means getting a man's tombstone ready +for him before he dies; and divil a more cutting thing was ever cut on a +tombstone than the doctor's rhyme; this is it-- + + 'Here lies O'Grady, that cantankerous creature, + Who paid, as all must pay, the debt of nature; + But, keeping to his general maxim still, + Paid it--like other debts--against his will.'” + +[Footnote: These bitter lines on a “bad pay” were written by a Dublin +medical wit of high repute, of whom Dr. Growling is a prototype.] + +“What do _you_ think o' that, Goggins?” inquired one bailiff from the +other; “you're a judge o' po'thry.” + +“It's _sevare,”_ answered Goggins, authoritatively, “but _coorse,_ I +wish you'd brile the rashers; I begin to feel the calls o' nature, as +the poet says.” + +This Mister Goggins was a character in his way. He had the greatest +longing to be thought a poet, put execrable couplets together +sometimes, and always talked as fine as he could; and his mixture of +sentimentality, with a large stock of blackguardism, produced a strange +jumble. + +“The people here thought it nate, sir,” said Larry. + +“Oh, very well for the country!” said Goggins; “but 't wouldn't do for +town.” + +“Misther Coggings knows best,” said the bailiff who first spoke, “for +he's a pote himself, and writes in the newspapers.” + +“Oh, indeed!” said Larry. + +“Yes,” said Goggins, “sometimes I throw off little things for the +newspapers. There's a friend of mine you see, a gentleman connected with +the press, who is often in defficulties, and I give him a hint to keep +out o' the way when he's in trouble, and he swears I've a genus for the +muses, and encourages me--” + +“Humph!” says Larry. + +“And puts my things in the paper, when he gets the editor's back turned, +for the editor is a consaited chap that likes no one's po'thry but his +own; but never mind--if I ever get a writ against that chap, _won't_ I +sarve it!” + +“And I dar say some day you will have it agen him, sir,” said Larry. + +“Sure of it, a'most,” said Goggins; “them litherary men is always in +defficulties.” + +“I wondher you'd be like them, then, and write at all,” said Larry. + +“Oh, as for me, it's only by way of amusement; attached as I am to the +legal profession, my time wouldn't permit; but I have been infected by +the company I kept. The living images that creeps over a man sometimes +is irresistible, and you have no pace till you get them out o' your +head.” + +“Oh, indeed, they are very throublesome,” says Larry, “and are the +litherary gintlemen, sir, as you call them, mostly that way?” + +“To be sure; it is _that_ which makes a litherary man: his head is +full--teems with creation, sir.” + +“Dear, dear!” said Larry. + +“And when once the itch of litherature comes over a man, nothing can +cure it but the scratching of a pen.” + +“But if you have not a pen, I suppose you must scratch any other way you +can.” + +“To be sure,” said Goggins, “I have seen a litherary gentleman in a +sponging-house do crack things on the wall with a bit of burnt stick, +rather than be idle--they must execute.” + +“Ha!” says Larry. + +“Sometimes, in all their poverty and difficulty, I envy the 'fatal +fatality,' as the poet says, of such men in catching ideas.” + +“That's the genteel name for it,” says Larry. + +“Oh!” exclaimed Goggins, enthusiastically, “I know the satisfaction of +catching a man, but it's nothing at all compared to catching an idea. +For the man, you see, can give hail and get off, but the idea is your +own for ever. And then a rhyme--when it has puzzled you all day, the +pleasure you have in _nabbing_ it at last!” + +“Oh, it's po'thry you're spakin' about,” said Larry. + +“To be sure,” said Goggins; “do you think I'd throw away my time on +prose? You're burning that bacon, Tim,” said he to his _sub_. + +“Poethry, agen the world!” continued he to Larry, “the Castilian +sthraime for me!--Hand us that whisky”--he put the bottle to his mouth +and took a swig--“That's good--you do a bit of private here, I suspect,” + said he, with a wink, pointing to the bottle. + +Larry returned a significant grin, but said nothing. Oh, don't be afraid +o' me--I would n't'peach--” + +“Sure it's agen the law, and you're a gintleman o' the law,” said Larry. + +“That's no rule,” said Goggins: “the Lord Chief Justice always goes to +bed, they say, with six tumblers o' potteen under his belt; and dhrink +it myself.” + +“Arrah, how do you get it?” said Larry. + +“From a gentleman, a friend o' mine, in the Custom-house.” + +“A-dad, that's quare,” said Larry, laughing. + +“Oh, we see queer things, I tell you,” said Goggins, “we gentlemen of +the law.” + +“To be sure you must,” returned Larry; “and mighty improvin' it must be. +Did you ever catch a thief, sir?” + +“My good man, you mistake my profession,” said Goggins, proudly; “we +never have anything to do in the _criminal_ line, that's much beneath +_us_.” + +“I ax your pardon, sir.” + +“No offence--no offence.” + +“But it must be mighty improvin', I think, ketching of thieves, and +finding out their thricks and hidin'-places, and the like?” + +“Yes, yes,” said Goggins, “good fun; though I don't do it, I know all +about it, and could tell queer things too.” + +“Arrah, maybe you would, sir?” said Larry. + +“Maybe I will, after we nibble some rashers--will you take share?” + +“Musha, long life to you,” said Larry, always willing to get whatever he +could. A repast was now made, more resembling a feast of savages round +their war-fire than any civilised meal; slices of bacon broiled in +the fire, and eggs roasted in the turf-ashes. The viands were not +objectionable; but the cooking! Oh!--there was neither gridiron nor +frying-pan, fork nor spoon; a couple of clasp-knives served the whole +party. Nevertheless, they satisfied their hunger and then sent the +bottle on its exhilarating round. Soon after that, many a story of +burglary, robbery, swindling, petty larceny, and every conceivable +crime, was related for the amusement of the circle; and the plots +and counterplots of thieves and thief-takers raised the wonder of the +peasants. Larry Hogan was especially delighted; more particularly when +some trick of either villany or cunning came out. + +“Now women are troublesome cattle to deal with mostly,” said Goggins. +“They are remarkably 'cute first, and then they are spiteful after; +and for circumventin' _either_ way are sharp hands. You see they do it +quieter than men; a man will make a noise about it, but a woman does +it all on the sly. There was Bill Morgan--and a sharp fellow he was, +too--and he had set his heart on some silver spoons he used to see down +in a kitchen windy, but the servant-maid, somehow or other, suspected +there was designs about the place, and was on the watch. Well, one +night, when she was all alone, she heard a noise outside the windy, so +she kept as quiet as a mouse. By-and-by the sash was attempted to be +riz from the outside, so she laid hold of a kittle of boiling wather and +stood hid behind the shutter. The windy was now riz a little, and a hand +and arm thrust in to throw up the sash altogether, when the girl poured +the boiling wather down the sleeve of Bill's coat. Bill roared with +the pain, when the girl said to him, laughing, through the windy, 'I +_thought_ you came for something.'” + +“That was a 'cute girl,” said Larry, chuckling. + +“Well, now, that's an instance of a woman's cleverness in preventing. +I'll teach you one of her determination to discover and prosecute to +conviction; and in this case, what makes it curious is, that Jack Tate +had done the bowldest thing, and run the greatest risks, 'the +eminent deadly,' as the poet says, when he was done up at last by a +feather-bed.” + +“A feather-bed,” repeated Larry, wondering how a feather-bed could +influence the fate of a bold burglar, while Goggins mistook his +exclamation of surprise to signify the paltriness of the prize, and +therefore chimed in with him. + +“Quite true--no wonder you wonder--quite below a man of his pluck; but +the fact was, a sweetheart of his was longing for a feather-bed, and +Jack determined to get it. Well, he marched into a house, the door of +which he found open, and went up-stairs, and took the best feather-bed +in the house, tied it up in the best quilt, crammed some caps and +ribbons he saw lying about into the bundle, and marched down-stairs +again; but you see, in carrying off even the small thing of a +feather-bed, Jack showed the skill of a high practitioner, for he +descendhered the stairs backwards.” + +“Backwards!” said Larry, “what was that for?” + +“You'll see by-and-by,” said Goggins; “he descendhered backwards when +suddenly he heard a door opening, and a faymale voice exclaim, 'Where +are you going with that bed?' + +“'I am going up-stairs with it, ma'am,' says Jack, whose backward +position favoured his lie, and he began to walk up again. + +“'Come down here,' said the lady, 'we want no beds here, man.' + +“'Mr. Sullivan, ma'am, sent me home with it himself,' said Jack, still +mounting the stairs. + +“'Come down, I tell you,' said the lady, in a great rage. 'There's +no Mr. Sullivan lives here--go out of this with your bed, you stupid +fellow.' + +“'I beg your pardon, ma'am,' says Jack, turning round, and marching off +with the bed fair and aisy. Well, there was a regular shilloo in the +house when the thing was found out, and cart-ropes wouldn't howld the +lady for the rage she was in at being diddled; so she offered rewards, +and the dickens knows all; and what do you think at last discovered our +poor Jack?” + +“The sweetheart, maybe,” said Larry, grinning in ecstasy at the thought +of human perfidy. + +“No,” said Goggins, “honour even among sweethearts, though they do the +trick sometimes, I confess; but no woman of any honour would betray a +great man like Jack. No--'t was one of the paltry ribbons that brought +conviction home to him; the woman never lost sight of hunting up +evidence about her feather-bed, and, in the end, a ribbon out of one of +her caps settled the hash of Jack Tate.” + +From robbings they went on to tell of murders, and at last that +uncomfortable sensation which people experience after a feast of horrors +began to pervade the party; and whenever they looked round, _there_ was +the coffin in the background. + +“Throw some turf on the fire,” said Goggins, “'t is burning low; +and change the subject; the tragic muse has reigned sufficiently +long--enough of the dagger and the bowl--sink the socks and put on the +buckskins. Leather away, Jim--sing us a song.” + +“What is it to be?” asked Jim. + +“Oh--that last song of the Solicitor-General's,” said Goggins, with an +air as if the Solicitor-General were his particular friend. + +“About the robbery?” inquired Jim. + +“To be sure,” returned Goggins. + +“Dear me,” said Larry, “and would so grate a man as the +Solicithor-General demane himself by writin' about robbers?” + +“Oh!” said Goggins, “those in the heavy profession of the law must have +their little private moments of rollickzation; and then high men, you +see, like to do a bit of low by way of variety. 'The Night before Larry +was stretched' was done by a bishop, they say; and 'Lord Altamont's +Bull' by the Lord Chief Justice; and the Solicitor-General is as up to +fun as any bishop of them all. Come, Jim, tip us the stave!” + +Jim cleared his throat and obeyed his chief. + +THE QUAKER'S MEETING + +I + + “A traveller wended the wilds among, + With a purse of gold and a silver tongue; + His hat it was broad, and all drab were his clothes, + For he hated high colours--except on his nose, + And he met with a lady, the story goes. + Heigho! _yea_ thee and _nay_ thee. + +II + + “The damsel she cast him a merry blink, + And the traveller nothing was loth, I think; + Her merry black eye beamed her bonnet beneath, + And the quaker, he grinned, for he'd very good teeth, + And he asked, 'Art thee [1] going to ride on the heath?' + Heigho! _yea_ thee and _nay_ thee. + +[1][Footnote: The inferior class of quakers make THEE serve not only its +own grammatical use, but also do the duty of THY and THINE.] + +III + + “'I hope you'll protect me, kind sir,' said the maid, + 'As to ride this heath over I'm sadly afraid; + For robbers, they say, here in numbers abound, + And I wouldn't “for anything” I should be found, + For, between you and me, I have five hundred pound.' + Heigho! _yea_ thee and _nay_ thee. + +IV + + “'If that is thee own, dear,' the quaker he said, + 'I ne'er saw a maiden I sooner would wed; + And I have another five hundred just now, + In the padding that's under my saddle-bow, + And I'll settle it all upon thee, I vow!' + Heigho! _yea_ thee and _nay_ thee. + +V + + “The maiden she smiled, and her rein she drew, + 'Your offer I'll take, though I'll not take you;' + A pistol she held at the quaker's head-- + 'Now give me your gold, or I'll give you my lead, + 'Tis under the saddle I think you said.' + Heigho! _yea_ thee and _nay_ thee. + +VI + + “The damsel she ripp'd up the saddle-bow, + And the quaker was never a quaker till now; + And he saw by the fair one he wish'd for a bride + His purse borne away with a swaggering stride, + And the eye that looked tender now only defied. + Heigho! _yea_ thee and _nay_ thee. + +VII + + “'The spirit doth move me, friend Broadbrim,' quoth she, + 'To take all this filthy temptation from thee; + For Mammon deceiveth, and beauty is fleeting: + Accept from thy _maai-d'n_ a right loving greeting, + For much doth she profit by this quaker's meeting. + Heigho! _yea_ thee and _nay_ thee. + +VIII + + “'And hark! jolly quaker, so rosy and sly, + Have righteousness more than a wench in thine eye, + Don't go again peeping girls' bonnets beneath, + Remember the one that you met on the heath, + _Her_ name's _Jimmy_ Barlow--I tell to your teeth!' + Heigho! _yea_ thee and _nay_ thee. + +IX + + “'_Friend_ James,' quoth the quaker, 'pray listen to me, + For thou canst confer a great favour, d' ye see; + The gold thou hast taken is not mine, my friend, + But my master's--and on thee I depend + To make it appear I my trust did defend. + Heigho! _yea_ thee and _nay_ thee. + +X + + “'So fire a few shots through my clothes, here and there, + To make it appear 't was a desp'rate affair.' + So Jim he popped first through the skirt of his coat, + And then through his collar quite close to his throat. + 'Now once through my broad-brim,' quoth Ephraim, 'I vote. + Heigho! _yea_ thee and _nay_ thee. + +XI + + “'I have but a brace,' said bold Jim, 'and they 're spent, + And I won't load again for a make-believe rent.' + 'Then,' said Ephraim--producing his pistols--'just give + My five hundred pounds back--or, as sure as you live, + I'll make of your body a riddle or sieve.' + Heigho! _yea_ thee and _nay_ thee. + +XII + + “Jim Barlow was diddled, and though he was game, + He saw Ephraim's pistol so deadly in aim, + That he gave up the gold, and he took to his scrapers; + And when the whole story got into the papers, + They said that '_the thieves were no match for the quakers_.' + Heigho! _yea_ thee and _nay_ thee.” + +“Well, it's a quare thing you should be singin' a song here,” said Larry +Hogan, “about Jim Barlow, and it's not over half a mile out of this very +place he was hanged.” + +“Indeed!” exclaimed all the men at once, looking with great interest at +Larry. + +“It's truth I'm telling you. He made a very bowld robbery up by the long +hill there, on _two_ gintlemen, for he was mighty stout.” + +“Pluck to the back-bone,” said Goggins. + +“Well, he tuk the purses aff both o' them; and just as he was goin' on +afther doin' the same, what should appear on the road before him, but +two other travellers coming up forninst him. With that the men that was +robbed cried out, 'Stop thief!' and so Jim, seein' himself hemmed in +betune the four o' them, faced his horse to the ditch and took across +the counthry; but the thravellers was well mounted as well as himself, +and powdhered afther him like mad. Well, it was equal to a steeple chase +a'most; and Jim, seein' he could not shake them off, thought the best +thing he could do was to cut out some troublesome work for them; so he +led off where he knew there was the divil's own leap to take, and he +intended to 'pound [Footnote: Impound] them there, and be off in the +mane time; but as ill luck would have it, his own horse, that was as +bowld as himself, and would jump at the moon if he was faced to it, +missed his foot in takin' off, and fell short o' the leap and slipped +his shouldher, and Jim himself had a bad fall of it too, and, av coorse, +it was all over wid him--and up came the four gintlemen. Well, Jim had +his pistols yet, and he pulled them out, and swore he'd shoot the first +man that attempted to take him; but the gintlemen had pistols as well as +he, and were so hot on the chase they determined to have him, and closed +on him. Jim fired and killed one o' them; but he got a ball in the +shouldher himself, from another, and he was taken. Jim sthruv to shoot +himself with his second pistol, but it missed fire. 'The curse o' the +road is on me,' said Jim; 'my pistol missed fire, and my horse slipped +his shouldher, and now I'll be scragged,' says he, 'but it's not for +nothing--I've killed one o' ye,' says he.” + +“He was all pluck,” said Goggins. + +“Desperate bowld,” said Larry. “Well, he was thried and condimned _av +coorse_, and was hanged, as I tell you, half a mile out o' this very +place, where we are sittin', and his appearance walks, they say, ever +since.” + +“You don't say so!” said Goggins. + +“'Faith, it's thrue!” answered Larry. + +“You never saw it,” said Goggins. + +“The Lord forbid!” returned Larry; “but it's thrue, for all that. For +you see the big house near this barn, that is all in ruin, was desarted +because Jim's ghost used to walk.” + +“That was foolish,” said Goggins; “stir up the fire, Jim, and hand me +the whisky.” + +“Oh, if it was only walkin', they might have got over that; but at last +one night, as the story goes, when there was a thremendious storm o' +wind and rain--” + +“Whisht!” said one of the peasants, “what's that?” + +As they listened, they heard the beating of heavy rain against the door, +and the wind howled through its chinks. + +“Well,” said Goggins, “what are you stopping for?” + +“Oh, I'm not stoppin',” said Larry; “I was sayin' that it was a bad wild +night, and Jimmy Barlow's appearance came into the house and asked them +for a glass o' sper'ts, and that he'd be obleeged to them if they'd +help him with his horse that slipped his shouldher; and, 'faith, afther +_that_, they'd stay in the place no longer; and signs on it, the house +is gone to rack and ruin, and it's only this barn that is kept up at +all, because it's convaynient for owld Skinflint on the farm.” + +“That's all nonsense,” said Goggins, who wished, nevertheless, that he +had not heard the “nonsense.” + +“Come, sing another song, Jim.” + +Jim said he did not remember one. + +“Then you sing, Ralph.” + +Ralph said every one knew he never did more than join a chorus. + +“Then join me in a chorus,” said Goggins, “for I'll sing, if Jim's +afraid.” + +“I'm not afraid,” said Jim. + +“Then why won't you sing?” + +“Because I don't like.” + +“Ah!” exclaimed Goggins. + +“Well, maybe you're afraid yourself,” said Jim, “if you towld thruth.” + “Just to show you how little I'm afeard,” said Goggins, with a +swaggering air, “I'll sing another song about Jimmy Barlow.” + +“You'd better not,” said Larry Hogan. “Let him rest in pace!” + +“Fudge!” said Goggins. “Will you join chorus, Jim?” + +“I will,” said Jim, fiercely. + +“We'll all join,” said the men (except Larry), who felt it would be a +sort of relief to bully away the supernatural terror which hung round +their hearts after the ghost story by the sound of their own voices. + +“Then here goes!” said Goggins, who started another long ballad about +Jimmy Barlow, in the opening of which all joined. It ran as follows:-- + + “My name it is Jimmy Barlow, + I was born in the town of Carlow, + And here I lie in the Maryborough jail, + All for the robbing of the Wicklow mail. + Fol de rol de rol de riddle-ido!” + +As it would be tiresome to follow this ballad through all its length, +breadth, and thickness, we shall leave the singers engaged in their +chorus, while we call the reader's attention to a more interesting +person than Mister Goggins or Jimmy Barlow. + + + + +CHAPTER XXXVII + + +When Edward O'Connor had hurried from the burial-place, he threw himself +into his saddle, and urged his horse to speed, anxious to fly the spot +where his feelings had been so harrowed; and as he swept along through +the cold night wind which began to rise in gusty fits, and howled past +him, there was in the violence of his rapid motion something congenial +to the fierce career of painful thoughts which chased each other through +his heated brain. He continued to travel at this rapid pace, so absorbed +in bitter reflection as to be quite insensible to external impressions, +and he knew not how far nor how fast he was going, though the heavy +breathing of his horse at any other time would have been signal +sufficient to draw the rein; but still he pressed onward, and still the +storm increased, and each acclivity was topped but to sweep down the +succeeding slope at the same desperate pace. Hitherto the road over +which he pursued his fleet career lay through an open country, and +though the shades of a stormy night hung above it, the horse could make +his way in safety through the gloom; but now they approached an old road +which skirted an ancient domain, whose venerable trees threw their arms +across the old causeway, and added their shadows to the darkness of the +night. + +Many and many a time had Edward ridden in the soft summer under the +green shade of these very trees, in company with Fanny Dawson, his +guiltless heart full of hope and love; perhaps it was this very thought +crossing his mind at the moment which made his present circumstances the +more oppressive. He was guiltless no longer--he rode not in happiness +with the woman he adored under the soft shade of summer trees, but heard +the wintry wind howl through their leafless boughs as he hurried in +maddened speed beneath them, and heard in the dismal sound but an +echo of the voice of remorse which was ringing through his heart. The +darkness was intense from the canopy of old oaks which overhung the +road, but still the horse was urged through the dark ravine at speed, +though one might not see an arm's length before. Fearlessly it was +performed, though ever and anon, as the trees swung about their heavy +branches in the storm, smaller portions of the boughs were snapped off +and flung in the faces of the horse and the rider, who still spurred +and plashed his headlong way through the heavy road beneath. Emerging +at length from the deep and overshadowed valley, a steep hill raised +its crest in advance, but still up the stony acclivity the feet of the +mettled steed rattled rapidly, and flashed fire from the flinty path. As +they approached the top of the hill, the force of the storm became more +apparent; and on reaching its crest, the fierce pelting of the mingled +rain and hail made the horse impatient of the storm of which his rider +was heedless--almost unconscious. The spent animal with short snortings +betokened his labour, and shook his head passionately as the fierce +hail-shower struck him in the eyes and nostrils. Still, however, was he +urged downward, but he was no longer safe. Quite blown, and pressed +over a rough descent, the generous creature, that would die rather than +refuse, made a false step, and came heavily to the ground. Edward was +stunned by the fall, though not seriously hurt; and, after the lapse of +a few seconds, recovered his feet, but found the horse still prostrate. +Taking the animal by the head, he assisted him to rise, which he was not +enabled to do till after several efforts; and when he regained his legs, +it was manifest he was seriously lamed; and as he limped along with +difficulty beside his master, who led him gently, it became evident that +it was beyond the animal's power to reach his own stable that night. +Edward for the first time was now aware of how much he had punished his +horse; he felt ashamed of using the noble brute with such severity, and +became conscious that he had been acting under something little short +of frenzy. The consciousness at once tended to restore him somewhat to +himself, and he began to look around on every side in search of some +house where he could find rest and shelter for his disabled horse. As +he proceeded thus, the care necessarily bestowed on his dumb companion +partially called off his thoughts from the painful theme with which they +had been exclusively occupied, and the effect was most beneficial. The +first violent burst of feeling was past, and a calmer train of thought +succeeded; he for the first time remembered the boy had forgiven him, +and that was a great consolation to him; he recalled, too, his own +words, pledging to Gustavus his friendship, and in this pleasing hope of +the future he saw much to redeem what he regretted of the past. Still, +however, the wild flare of the pine-torch over the lone grave of his +adversary, and the horrid answer of the grave-digger, that he was but +“finishing _his_ work,” would recur to his memory and awake an internal +pang. + +From this painful reminiscence he sought to escape, by looking forward +to all he would do for Gustavus, and had become much calmer, when the +glimmer of a light not far ahead attracted him, and he soon was enabled +to perceive it proceeded from some buildings that lay on his right, +not far from the road. He turned up the rough path which formed the +approach, and the light escaped through the chinks of a large door which +indicated the place to be a coach-house, or some such office, belonging +to the general pile which seemed in a ruinous condition. + +As he approached, Edward heard rude sounds of merriment, amongst which +the joining of many voices in a “ree-raw” chorus indicated that a +carouse was going forward within. + +On reaching the door he could perceive through a wide chink a group +of men sitting round a turf fire piled at the far end of the building, +which had no fire-place, and the smoke, curling upwards to the roof, +wreathed the rafters in smoke; beneath this vapoury canopy the party +sat drinking and singing, and Edward, ere he knocked for admittance, +listened to the following strange refrain:-- + + _“For my name it is Jimmy Barlow, + I was born in the town of Carlow, + And here I lie in Maryborough jail, + All for the robbing of the Wicklow mail. + Fol de rol de riddle-iddle-ido!”_ + +Then the principal singer took up the song, which seemed to be one of +robbery, blood, and murder, for it ran thus:-- + + “Then he cocked his pistol gaily, + And stood before him bravely, + Smoke and fire is my desire, + So blaze away, my game-cock squire. + _For my name it is Jimmy Barlow, + I was born &c._” + +Edward O'Connor knocked at the door loudly; the words he had just heard +about “pistols,” “blazing away,” and, last of all, “_squire_” fell +gratingly on his ear at that moment, and seemed strangely to connect +themselves with the previous adventures of the night and his own sad +thoughts, and he beat against the door with violence. + +The chorus ceased; Edward repeated his knocking. Still there was no +answer; but he heard low and hurried muttering inside. Determined, +however, to gain admittance, Edward laid hold of an iron hasp outside +the door, which enabled him to shake the gate with violence, that there +might be no excuse on the part of the inmates that they did not hear; +but in thus making the old door rattle in its frame, it suddenly yielded +to his touch and creaked open on its rusty hinges; for when Larry Hogan +had entered, it had been forgotten to be barred. + +As Edward stood in the open doorway, the first object which met his eye +was the coffin--and it is impossible to say how much at that moment the +sight shocked him; he shuddered involuntarily, yet could not withdraw +his eyes from the revolting object; and the pallor with which his +previous mental anxiety had invested his cheek increased as he looked on +this last tenement of mortality. “Am I to see nothing but the evidences +of death's doing this night?” was the mental question which shot through +Edward's over-wrought brain, and he grew livid at the thought. He looked +more like one raised from the grave than a living being, and a wild +glare in his eyes rendered his appearance still more unearthly. He felt +that shame which men always experience in allowing their feelings to +overcome them; and by a great effort he mastered his emotion and spoke, +but the voice partook of the strong nervous excitement under which he +laboured, and was hollow and broken, and seemed more like that which one +might fancy to proceed from the jaws of a sepulchre than one of flesh +and blood. Beaten by the storm, too, his hair hung in wet flakes over +his face and added to his wild appearance, so that the men all started +up at the first glimpse they caught of him, and huddled themselves +together in the farthest corner of the building, from whence they eyed +him with evident alarm. + +Edward thought some whisky might check the feeling of faintness which +overcame him; and though he deemed it probable he had broken in upon the +nocturnal revel of desperate and lawless men, he nevertheless asked them +to give him some; but instead of displaying that alacrity so universal +in Ireland, of sharing the “creature” with a new-comer, the men only +pointed to the bottle which stood beside the fire, and drew closer +together. + +Edward's desire for the stimulant was so great, that he scarcely noticed +the singular want of courtesy on the part of the men; and seizing the +bottle (for there was no glass), he put it to his lips, and quaffed a +hearty dram of the spirit before he spoke. + +“I must ask for shelter and assistance here,” said Edward. “My horse, I +fear, has slipped his shoulder--” + +Before he could utter another word, a simultaneous roar of terror burst +from the group; they fancied the ghost of Jimmy Barlow was before them, +and made a simultaneous rush from the barn; and when they saw the horse +at the door, another yell escaped them, as they fled with increased +speed and terror. Edward stood in amazement as the men rushed from his +presence; he followed to the gate to recall them; they were gone; he +could only hear their yells in the distance. The circumstance seemed +quite unaccountable; and as he stood lost in vain surmises as to the +cause of the strange occurrence, a low neigh of recognition from the +horse reminded him of the animal's wants, and he led him into the barn, +where, from the plenty of straw which lay around, he shook down a litter +where the maimed animal might rest. + +He then paced up and down the barn, lost in wonder at the conduct +of those whom he found there, and whom his presence had so suddenly +expelled; and ever as he walked towards the fire, the coffin caught his +eye. As a fitful blaze occasionally arose, it flashed upon the plate, +which brightly reflected the flame, and Edward was irresistibly drawn, +despite his original impression of horror at the object, to approach and +read the inscription. The shield bore the name of “O'Grady,” and Edward +recoiled from the coffin with a shudder, and inwardly asked, was he in +his waking senses? He had but an hour ago seen his adversary laid in his +grave, yet here was his coffin again before him, as if to harrow up his +soul anew. Was it real, or a mockery? Was he the sport of a dream, or +was there some dreadful curse fallen upon him that he should be for ever +haunted by the victim of his arm, and the call of vengeance for blood +be ever upon his track? He breathed short and hard, and the smoky +atmosphere in which he was enveloped rendered respiration still more +difficult. As through this oppressive vapour, which seemed only fit +for the nether world, he saw the coffin-plate flash back the flame, his +imagination accumulated horror on horror; and when the blaze sank, and +but the bright red of the fire was reflected, it seemed to him to burn, +as it were, with a spot of blood, and he could support the scene no +longer, but rushed from the barn in a state of mind bordering on frenzy. + +It was about an hour afterwards, near midnight, that the old barn was in +flames; most likely some of the straw near the fire, in the confusion +of the breaking up of the party, had been scattered within range of +ignition, and caused the accident. The flames were seen for miles round +the country, and the shattered walls of the ruined mansion-house were +illuminated brightly by the glare of the consuming barn, which in the +morning added its own blackened and reeking ruin to the desolation, +and crowds of persons congregated to the spot for many days after. The +charred planks of the coffin were dragged from amongst the ruin; and +as the roof in falling in had dragged a large portion of the wall +along with it, the stones which had filled the coffin could not be +distinguished from those of the fallen building, therefore much wonder +arose that no vestige of the bones of the corpse it was supposed to +contain should be discovered. Wonder increased to horror as the strange +fact was promulgated, and in the ready credulity of a superstitious +people, the terrible belief became general, that his sable majesty had +made off with O'Grady and the party watching him; for as the Dublin +bailiffs never stopped till they got back to town, and were never seen +again in the country, it was most natural to suppose that the devil had +made a haul of _them_ at the same time. In a few days rumour added the +spectral appearance of Jim Barlow to the tale, which only deepened +its mysterious horror; and though, after some time, the true story was +promulgated by those who knew the real state of the case, yet the truth +never gained ground, and was considered but a clever sham, attempted by +the family to prevent so dreadful a story from attaching to their house; +and tradition perpetuates to this hour the belief that _the devil flew +away with O'Grady._ + +Lone and shunned as the hill was where the ruined house stood, it became +more lone and shunned than ever, and the boldest heart in the whole +country-side would quail to be in its vicinity, even in the day-time. To +such a pitch the panic rose, that an extensive farm which encircled +it, and belonged to the old usurer who made the seizure, fell into a +profitless state from the impossibility of men being found to work upon +it. It was useless even as pasture, for no one could be found to herd +cattle upon it; altogether it was a serious loss to the money-grubber; +and so far the incident of the burnt barn, and the tradition it gave +rise to, acted beneficially in making the inhuman act of warring with +the dead recoil upon the merciless old usurer. + + + + +CHAPTER XXXVIII + + +We left Andy in what may be called a delicate situation, and though +Andy's perceptions of the refined were not very acute, he himself began +to wonder how he should get out of the dilemma into which circumstances +had thrown him; and even to his dull comprehension various terminations +to his adventure suggested themselves, till he became quite confused in +the chaos which his own thoughts created. One good idea, however, Andy +contrived to lay hold of out of the bundle which perplexed him; he felt +that to gain time would be an advantage, and if evil must come of his +adventure, the longer he could keep it off the better; so he kept up his +affectation of timidity, and put in his sobs and lamentations, like so +many commas and colons, as it were, to prevent Bridget from arriving at +her climax of going to bed. + +Bridget insisted bed was the finest thing in the world for a young woman +in distress of mind. + +Andy protested he never could get a wink of sleep when his mind was +uneasy. Bridget promised the most sisterly tenderness. + +Andy answered by a lament for his mother. + +“Come to bed, I tell you,” said Bridget. + +“Are the sheets aired?” sobbed Andy. + +“What!” exclaimed Bridget, in amazement. + +“If you are not sure of the sheets bein' aired,” said Andy, “I'd be +afeard of catchin' cowld.” + +“Sheets, indeed!” said Bridget; “'faith, it's a dainty lady you are, if +you can't sleep without sheets.” + +“What!” returned Andy, “no sheets?” + +“Divil a sheet.” + +“Oh, mother, mother!” exclaimed Andy, “what would you say to your +innocent child being tuk away to a place where there was no sheets?” + +“Well, I never heerd the like!” says Bridget. + +“Oh, the villains! to bring me where I wouldn't have a bit o' clane +linen to lie in!” + +“Sure, there's blankets, I tell you.” + +“Oh, don't talk to me!” roared Andy; “sure, you know, sheets is only +dacent.” + +“Bother, girl! Isn't a snug woolly blanket a fine thing?” + +“Oh, don't brake my heart that-a-way!” sobbed Andy; “sure, there's wool +on any dirty sheep's back, but linen is dacency! Oh, mother, mother, if +you thought your poor girl was without a sheet this night!” + +And so Andy went on, spinning his bit of “linen manufacture” as long as +he could, and raising Bridget's wonder that, instead of the lament which +abducted ladies generally raise about their “vartue,” this young woman's +principal complaint arose on the scarcity of flax. Bridget appealed +to common sense if blankets were not good enough in these bad times; +insisting, moreover, that, as “love was warmer than friendship, so wool +was warmer than flax,” the beauty of which parallel case nevertheless +failed to reconcile the disconsolate abducted. Now Andy had pushed his +plea of the want of linen as far as he thought it would go, and when +Bridget returned to the charge, and reiterated the oft-repeated “Come +to bed, I tell you!” Andy had recourse to twiddling about his toes, and +chattering his teeth, and exclaimed in a tremulous voice, “Oh, I've a +thrimblin' all over me!” + +“Loosen the sthrings o' you, then,” said Bridget, about to suit +the action to the word. “Ow! ow!” cried Andy, “don't touch me--I'm +ticklish.” + +“Then open the throat o' your gown yourself, dear,” said Bridget. + +“I've a cowld on my chest, and darn't,” said Andy; “but I think a dhrop +of hot punch would do me good if I had it.” + +“And plenty of it,” said Bridget, “if that'll plaze you.” She rose as +she spoke, and set about getting “the materials” for making punch. + +Andy hoped, by means of this last idea, to drink Bridget into a state of +unconsciousness, and then make his escape; but he had no notion, until +he tried, what a capacity the gentle Bridget had for carrying tumblers +of punch steadily; he proceeded as cunningly as possible, and, on the +score of “the thrimblin' over him,” repeated the doses of punch, which, +nevertheless, he protested he couldn't touch, unless Bridget kept him in +countenance, glass for glass; and Bridget--genial soul--was no way both; +for living in a still, and among smugglers, as she did, it was not +a trifle of stingo could bring her to a halt. Andy, even with the +advantage of the stronger organisation of a man, found this mountain +lass nearly a match for him, and before the potations operated as +he hoped upon her, his own senses began to feel the influence of the +liquor, and his caution became considerably undermined. + +Still, however, he resisted the repeated offers of the couch proposed to +him, declaring he would sleep in his clothes, and leave to Bridget the +full possession of her lair. + +The fire began to burn low, and Andy thought he might facilitate his +escape by counterfeiting sleep; so feigning slumber as well as he could, +he seemed to sink into insensibility, and Bridget unrobed herself and +retired behind a rough screen. + +It was by a great effort that Andy kept himself awake, for his +potations, added to his nocturnal excursion, tended towards somnolency; +but the desire of escape, and fear of a discovery and its consequences, +prevailed over the ordinary tendency of nature, and he remained awake, +watching every sound. The silence at last became painful--so still was +it, that he could hear the small crumbling sound of the dying embers +as they decomposed and shifted their position on the hearth, and yet he +could not be satisfied from the breathing of the woman that she slept. +After the lapse of half an hour, however, he ventured to make some +movement. He had well observed the quarter in which the outlet from the +cave lay, and there was still a faint glimmer from the fire to assist +him in crawling towards the trap. It was a relief when, after some +minutes of cautious creeping, he felt the fresh air breathing from +above, and a moment or two more brought him in contact with the ladder. +With the stealth of a cat he began to climb the rungs--he could hear the +men snoring on the outside of the cave: step by step as he arose he +felt his heart beat faster at the thought of escape, and became more +cautious. At length his head emerged from the cave, and he saw the men +lying about its mouth; they lay close around it--he must step over them +to escape--the chance is fearful, but he determines to attempt it--he +ascends still higher--his foot is on the last rung of the ladder--the +next step puts him on the heather--when he feels a hand lay hold of him +from below! + +His heart died within him at the touch, and he could not resist an +exclamation. + +“Who's that?” exclaimed one of the men outside. Andy crouched. + +“Come down,” said the voice softly from below; “if Jack sees you, it +will be worse for you.” + +It was the voice of Bridget, and Andy felt it was better to be with +her than exposed to the savagery of Shan More and his myrmidons; so he +descended quietly, and gave himself up to the tight hold of Bridget, +who, with many asseverations that “out of her arms she would not let the +prisoner go till morning,” led him back to the cave. + + + + +CHAPTER XXXIX + + + “Great wit to madness nearly is allied, + And thin partitions do the bounds divide.” + +So sings the poet; but whether the wit be great or little, the “thin +partition” separating madness from sanity is equally mysterious. It is +true that the excitability attendant upon genius approximates so closely +to madness, that it is sometimes difficult to distinguish between them; +but, without the attendant “genius” to hold up the train of madness, +and call for our special permission and respect in any of its fantastic +excursions, the most ordinary crack-brain sometimes chooses to sport in +the regions of sanity, and, without the license which genius is supposed +to dispense to her children, poach over the preserves of common sense. +This is a well-known fact, and would not be reiterated here, but that +the circumstances about to be recorded hereafter might seem unworthy +of belief; and as the veracity of our history we would not have for one +moment questioned, we have ventured to jog the memory of our readers as +to the close neighbourhood of madness and common sense, before we record +a curious instance of intermitting madness in the old dowager O'Grady. + +Her son's death had, by the violence of the shock, dragged her from the +region of fiction in which she habitually existed; but after the funeral +she relapsed into all her strange aberration, and her bird-clock and her +chimney-pot head-dress were once more in requisition. + +The old lady had her usual attendance from her granddaughter, and the +customary offering of flowers was rendered, but they were not so cared +for as before, and Charlotte was dismissed sooner than usual from her +morning's attendance, and a new favourite received in her place. And +“of all the birds in the air,” who should this favourite be but Master +Ratty. Yes!--Ratty--the caricaturist of his grandmamma, was, “for the +nonce,” her closeted companion. Many a guess was given as to “what in +the world” grandmamma _could_ want with Ratty; but the secret was kept +between them, for this reason, that the old lady kept _the reward she +promised_ Ratty for preserving it in her own hands, until the duty she +required on his part should be accomplished, and the shilling a day to +which Ratty looked forward kept him faithful. + +Now the duty Master Ratty had to perform was instructing his grandmamma +how to handle a pistol; the bringing up quick to the mark, and levelling +by “the sight,” was explained; but a difficulty arose in the old lady's +shutting her left eye, which Ratty declared to be indispensable, and +for some time Ratty was obliged to stand on a chair and cover his +grandmamma's eye with his hand while she took aim; this was found +inconvenient, however, and the old lady substituted a black silk shade +to obfuscate her sinister luminary in her exercises, which now advanced +to snapping the lock, and knocking sparks from the flint, which made the +old lady wink with her right eye. When this second habit was overcome, +the “dry” practice, that is, without powder, was given up; and a +“flash in the pan” was ventured upon, but this made her shut both eyes +together, and it was some time before she could prevail on herself to +hold her eye fixed on her mark, and pull the trigger. This, however, at +last was accomplished, and when she had conquered the fear of seeing the +flash, she adopted the plan of standing before a handsome old-fashioned +looking-glass which reached from the ceiling to the floor, and levelling +the pistol at her own reflection within it, as if she were engaged in +mortal combat; and every time she snapped and burned priming she +would exclaim, “I hit him that time!--I know I can kill him--_tremble, +villain_!” + +As long as this pistol practice had the charm of novelty for Ratty, +it was all very well; but when, day by day, the strange mistakes and +nervousness of his grandmamma became less piquant from repetition, it +was not such good fun; and when the rantipole boy, after as much time +as he wished to devote to the old woman's caprice, endeavoured to +emancipate himself and was countermanded, an outburst of _“Oh, bother!”_ +would take place, till the grandmother called up the prospective +shillings to his view, and Ratty bowed before the altar of Mammon. But +even Mammon failed to keep Ratty loyal; for that heathen god, Momus, +claimed a superior allegiance; Ratty worshipped the “cap and bells” as +the true crown, and “the bauble” as the sovereign sceptre. Besides, the +secret became troublesome to him, and he determined to let the whole +house know what “gran” and he were about, in a way of his own. + +The young imp, in the next day's practice, worked up the grandmamma to a +state of great excitement, urging her to take a cool and determined aim +at the looking-glass. “Cover him well, gran,” said Ratty. + +“I will,” said the dowager, resolutely. + +“You ought to be able to hit him at six paces.” + +“I stand at twelve paces.” + +“No--you are only six from the looking-glass.” + +“But the reflection, child, in the mirror, doubles the distance.” + +“Bother!” said Ratty. “Here, take the pistol--mind your eye and don't +wink.” + +“Ratty, you are singularly obtuse to the charms of science.” + +“What's science?” said Ratty. + +“Science, child, is knowledge of a lofty and abstruse nature, developing +itself in wonderful inventions--gunpowder, for instance, is made by +science.” + +“Indeed it is not,” said Ratty; “I never saw his name on a canister. +Pigou, Andrew, and Wilks, or Mister Dartford Mills, are the men for +gunpowder. You know nothing about it, gran.” + +“Ratty, you are disrespectful, and will not listen to instruction. I +knew Kirwan--the great Kirwan, the chemist, who always wore his hat--” + +“Then he knew chemistry better than manners.” + +“Ratty, you are very troublesome. I desire you listen, sir. Kirwan, sir, +told me all about science, and the Dublin Society have his picture, with +a bottle in his hand--” + +“Then he was fond of drink,” said Ratty. + +“Ratty, don't be pert. To come back to what I was originally saying--I +repeat, sir, I am at twelve paces from my object, six from the mirror, +which, doubled by reflection, makes twelve; such is the law of optics. I +suppose you know what optics are?” + +“To be sure I do.” + +“Tell me, then.” + +“Our eyes,” said Ratty. + +“Eyes!” exclaimed the old lady, in amaze. + +“To be sure,” answered Ratty, boldly. “Didn't I hear the old blind man +at the fair asking charity 'for the loss of his blessed optics'?” + +“Oh, what lamentable ignorance, my child!” exclaimed the old lady. “Your +tutor ought to be ashamed of himself.” + +“So he is,” said Ratty. “He hasn't had a pair of new breeches for the +last seven years, and he hides himself whenever he sees mamma or the +girls.” + +“Oh, you ignorant child! Indeed, Ratty, my love, you must study. I will +give you the renowned Kirwan's book. Charlotte tore some of it for curl +papers; but there's enough left to enlighten you with the sun's rays, +and reflection and refraction--” + +“I know what _that_ is,” said Ratty. + +“What?” + +“Refraction.” + +“And what is it, dear?” + +“Bad behaviour,” said Ratty. + +“Oh, Heavens!” exclaimed his grandmother. + +“Yes, it is,” said Ratty, stoutly; “the tutor says I'm refractory when I +behave ill; and he knows Latin better than you.” + +“Ratty, Ratty! you are hopeless!” exclaimed his grandmamma. + +“No, I am not,” said Ratty. “I'm always _hoping_. And I hope Uncle +Robert will break his neck some day, and leave us his money.” + +The old woman turned up her eyes, and exclaimed, “You wicked boy!” + +“Fudge!” said Ratty; “he's an old shaver, and we want it; and indeed, +gran, you ought to give me ten shillings for ten days' teaching, now; +and there's a fair next week, and I want to buy things.” + +“Ratty, I told you when you made me perfect in the use of my weapon I +would pay you. My promise is sacred, and I will observe it with that +scrupulous honour which has ever been the characteristic of the family; +as soon as I hit something, and satisfy myself of my mastery over the +weapon, the money shall be yours, but not till then.” + +“Oh, very well,” said Ratty; “go on then. _Ready_--don't bring up your +arm that way, like the handle of a pump, but raise it nice from the +elbow--that's it. _Ready--fire!_ Ah! there you blink your eye, and drop +the point of your pistol--try another. _Ready--fire!_ That's better. Now +steady the next time.” + +[Illustration: A Crack Shot] + +The young villain then put a charge of powder and ball into the pistol +he handed his grandmother, who took steady aim at her reflection in the +mirror, and at the words, _“Ready--fire!”_ bang went the pistol--the +magnificent glass was smashed--the unexpected recoil of the weapon made +it drop from the hand of the dowager, who screamed with astonishment at +the report and the shock, and did not see for a moment the mischief she +had done; but when the shattered mirror caught her eyes, she made a rush +at Ratty, who was screeching with laughter in the far corner of the room +where he ran to when he had achieved his trick, and he was so helpless +from the excess of his cachinnation, that the old lady cuffed him +without his being able to defend himself. At last he contrived to get +out of her clutches and jammed her against the wall with a table so +tightly, that she roared “Murder!” The report of the pistol ringing +through the house brought all its inmates to the spot; and there +the cries of murder from the old lady led them to suppose some awful +tragedy, instead of a comedy, was enacting inside; the door was locked, +too, which increased the alarm, and was forced in the moment of terror +from the outside. When the crowd rushed in, Master Ratty rushed out, and +left the astonished family to gather up the bits of the story, as well +as they could, from the broken looking-glass and the cracked dowager. + + + + +CHAPTER XL + + +Though it is clear the serious events in the O'Grady family had not +altered Master Ratty's propensities in the least, the case was far +different with Gustavus. In that one night of suffering which _he_ had +passed, the gulf was leaped that divides the boy from the man; and the +extra frivolity and carelessness which clung from boyhood up to the age +of fifteen was at once, by the sudden disrupture produced by events, +thrown off, and as singular a ripening into manhood commenced. + +Gustavus was of a generous nature; and even his faults belonged less +to his organisation than to the devil-may-care sort of education he +received, if education it might be called. Upon his generosity the +conduct of Edward O'Connor beside the grave of the boy's father had +worked strongly; and though Gustavus could not give his hand beside the +grave to the man with whom his father had engaged in deadly quarrel, yet +he quite exonerated Edward from any blame; and when, after a night more +sleepless than Gustavus had ever known, he rose early on the ensuing +morning, he determined to ride over to Edward O'Connor's house to +breakfast, and commence that friendship which Edward had so solemnly +promised to him, and with which the boy was pleased; for Gustavus was +quite aware in what estimation Edward was held; and though the relative +circumstances in which he and the late Squire stood prevented the boy +from “caring a fig” for him, as he often said himself, yet he was +not beyond the influence of that thing called “reputation,” which so +powerfully attaches to and elevates the man who wins it; and the price +at which Edward was held in the country influenced opinion even in +Neck-or-Nothing Hall, albeit though “against the grain.” Gustavus had +sometimes heard, from the lips of the idle and ignorant, Edward sneered +at for being “cruel wise,” and “too much of a schoolmaster,” and fit for +nothing but books or a boudoir, and called a “piano man,” with all the +rest of the hackneyed dirt which jealous inferiority loves to fling at +the heights it cannot occupy; for though--as it has been said--Edward, +from his manly and sensible bearing, had escaped such sneers better than +most men, still some few there were to whom his merit was offensive. +Gustavus, however, though he sometimes heard such things, saw with his +own eyes that Edward could back a horse with any man in the country--was +always foremost in the chace--could bring down as many brace of birds as +most men in a day--had saved one or two persons from drowning; and if he +did all these things as well as other men, Gustavus (though hitherto too +idle to learn much himself) did not see why a man should be sneered +at for being an accomplished scholar as well. Therefore he had good +foundation for being pleased at the proffered friendship of such a man, +and remembering the poignancy of Edward's anguish on the foregoing eve, +Gustavus generously resolved to see him at once and offer him the +hand which a nice sense of feeling made him withhold the night before. +Mounting his pony, an hour's smart riding brought him to Mount Eskar, +for such was the name of Mr. O'Connor's residence. + +It was breakfast-time when Gustavus arrived, but Edward had not yet left +his room, and the servant went to call him. It need scarcely be said +that Edward had passed a wretched night; reaching home, as he did, weary +in mind and body, and with feelings and imagination both overwrought, it +was long before he could sleep; and even then his slumber was disturbed +by harassing visions and frightful images. Spectral shapes and things +unimaginable to the waking senses danced and crawled and hissed about +him. The torch flared above the grave, and that horrid coffin, with the +name of the dead O'Grady upon it, “murdered sleep.” It was dawn before +anything like refreshing slumber touched his feverish eyelids, and he +had not enjoyed more than a couple of hours of what might be called +sleep, when the servant called him; and then, after the brief oblivion +he had obtained, one may fancy how he started when the first words he +heard on waking were, “Mister O'Grady is below, sir.” + +Edward started up from his bed and stared wildly on the man, as he +exclaimed, with a look of alarm, “O'Grady! For God's sake, you don't say +O'Grady?” + +“'Tis Master Gustavus, sir,” said the man, wondering at the wildness of +Edward's manner. + +“Oh, the boy!--ay, ay, the boy!” repeated Edward, drawing his hands +across his eyes and recovering his self-possession. “Say I will be down +presently.” + +The man retired, and Edward lay down again for some minutes to calm the +heavy beating of his heart which the sudden mention of that name had +produced; that name so linked with the mental agony of the past night; +that name which had conjured up a waking horror of such might as to +shake the sway of reason for a time, and which afterwards pursued its +reign of terror through his sleep. After such a night, fancy poor Edward +doomed to hear the name of O'Grady again the first thing in the morning, +and we cannot wonder that he was startled. + +A few minutes, however, served to restore his self-possession; and he +arose, made his toilet in haste, and descended to the breakfast-parlour, +where he was met by Gustavus with an open hand, which Edward clasped +with fervour and held for some time as he looked on the handsome face +of the boy, and saw in its frank expression all that his heart could +desire. They spoke not a word, but they understood one another; and that +moment commenced an attachment which increased with increasing intimacy, +and became one of those steadfast friendships which are seldom met with. + +After breakfast Edward brought Gustavus to his “den,” as he called a +room which was appropriated to his own particular use, occupied with +books and a small collection of national relics. Some long ranges of +that peculiar calf binding, with its red label, declared at once the +contents to be law and by the dry formal cut of the exterior gave little +invitation to reading. The very outside of a law library is repulsive; +the continuity of that eternal buff leather gives one a surfeit by +anticipation, and makes one mentally exclaim in despair, “Heavens! how +can any one hope to get all that into his head?” The only plain honest +thing about law is the outside of the books where it is laid down--there +all is simple; inside all is complex. The interlacing lines of the +binder's patterns find no place on the covers; but intricacies abound +inside, where any line is easier found than a straight one. Nor gold +leaf nor tool is employed without, but within how many fallacies are +enveloped in glozing words; the gold leaf has its representative in +“legal fiction;” and as for “_tooling_” there's plenty of that! + +Other books, also, bore external evidence of the nature of their +contents. Some old parchment covers indicated the lore of past ages; +amidst these the brightest names of Greece and Rome were to be found, +as well as those who have adorned our own literature, and implied +a cultivated taste on the part of the owner. But one portion of the +library was particularly well stored. The works bearing on Irish history +were numerous, and this might well account for the ardour of Edward's +feelings in the cause of his country; for it is as impossible that a +river should run backwards to its source, as that any Irishman of a +generous nature can become acquainted with the real history of his +country, and not feel that she has been an ill-used and neglected land, +and not struggle in the cause of her being righted. Much _has_ been done +in the cause since the days of which this story treats, and Edward was +amongst those who helped to achieve it; but much has still to be done, +and there is glorious work in store for present and future Edward +O'Connors. + +Along with the books which spoke the cause of Ireland, the mute +evidences, also, of her former glory and civilisation were scattered +through the room. Various ornaments of elegant form, and wrought in the +purest gold, were tastefully arranged over the mantel-piece; some, from +their form, indicating their use, and others only affording matter of +ingenious speculation to the antiquary, but all bearing evidence of +early civilisation. The frontlet of gold indicated noble estate, and +the long and tapering bodkin of the same metal, with its richly enchased +knob or pendent crescent, implied the robe it once fastened could have +been of no mean texture, and the wearer of no mean rank. Weapons were +there, too, of elegant form and exquisite workmanship, wrought in that +ancient bronze, of such wondrous temper that it carries effective edge +and point. The sword was of exact Phoenician mould; the double-eyed +spear-head, formed at once for strength and lightness, might have served +as the model for a sculptor in arming the hand of Minerva. Could these +be the work of an uncultivated people? Impossible! The harp, too, was +there, that unfailing mark of polish and social elegance. The bard and +barbarism could never be coeval. But a relic was there, exciting still +deeper interest--an ancient crosier, of curious workmanship, wrought +in the precious metals and partly studded with jewels; but few of the +latter remained, though the empty collets showed it had once been costly +in such ornaments. Could this be seen without remembering that the light +of Christianity first dawned over the western isles _in Ireland?_ that +_there_ the Gospel was first preached, _there_ the work of salvation +begun? + +There be cold hearts to which these touching recollections do not +pertain, and they heed them not; and some there are, who, with a +callousness which shocks sensibility, have the ignorant effrontery to +ask, “Of what use are such recollections?” With such frigid utilitarians +it would be vain to argue; but this question, at least, may be put in +return:--Why should the ancient glories of Greece and Rome form a large +portion of the academic studies of our youth?--why should the evidences +of _their_ arts and _their_ arms be held precious in museums, and +similar evidences of ancient cultivation be despised because they +pertain to another nation? Is it because they are Irish they are held +in contempt? Alas! in many cases it is so--ay, and even (shame to say) +within her own shores. But never may that day arrive when Ireland shall +be without enough of true and fond hearts to cherish the memory of +her ancient glories, to give to her future sons the evidences of her +earliest western civilisation, proving that their forefathers were not +(as those say who wronged and therefore would malign them) a rabble +of rude barbarians, but that brave kings, and proud princes, and wise +lawgivers, and just judges, and gallant chiefs, and chaste and lovely +women were among them, and that inspired bards were there to perpetuate +such memories! + +Gustavus had never before seen a crosier, and asked what it was. On +being informed of its name, he then said, “But what _is_ a crosier?” + +“A bishop's pastoral staff,” said Edward. + +“And why have you a bishop's staff, and swords, and spears, hung up +together?” + +“That is not inappropriate,” said Edward. “Unfortunately, the sword and +the crosier have been frequently but too intimate companions. Preaching +the word of peace has been too often the pretext for war. The Spaniards, +for instance, in the name of the gospel, committed the most fearful +atrocities.” + +“Oh, I know,” said Gustavus, “that was in the time of bloody Mary and +the Armada.” + +Edward wondered at the boy's ignorance, and saw in an instant the source +of his false application of his allusion to the Spaniards. Gustavus had +been taught to vaguely couple the name of “bloody Mary” with everything +bad, and that of “good Queen Bess” with all that was glorious; and the +word “Spanish,” in poor Gusty's head, had been hitherto connected with +two ideas, namely, “liquorice” and the “Armada.” + +Edward, without wounding the sensitive shame of ignorant youth, gently +set him right, and made him aware he had alluded to the conduct of the +Spaniards in America under Cortes and Pizarro. + +For the first time in his life Gustavus was aware that Pizarro was a +real character. He had heard his grandmamma speak of a play of that +name, and how great Mr. Kemble was in Rollo, and how he saved a child; +but as to its belonging to history, it was a new light--the utmost Gusty +knew about America being that it was discovered by Columbus. + +“But the crosier,” said Edward, “is amongst the most interesting of +Irish antiquities, and especially belongs to an Irish collection, when +you remember the earliest preaching of Christianity in the western isles +was in Ireland.” + +“I did only know that,” said the boy. + +“Then you don't know why the shamrock is our national emblem?” + +“No,” said Gustavus, “though I take care to mount one in my hat every +Patrick's day.” + +“Well,” said Edward, anxious to give Gustavus credit for _any_ knowledge +he possessed, “you know at least it is connected with the memory of St. +Patrick, though you don't know why. I will tell you. When St. Patrick +first preached the Christian faith in Ireland, before a powerful chief +and his people, when he spoke of one God, and of the Trinity, the chief +asked how one could be in three. St. Patrick, instead of attempting a +theological definition of the faith, thought a simple image would best +serve to enlighten a simple people, and stooping to the earth he plucked +from the green sod a shamrock, and holding up the trefoil before them +he bade them there behold one in three. The chief, struck by the +illustration, asked at once to be baptised, and all his sept followed +his example.” + +“I never heard that before,” said Gusty. “'T is very beautiful.” + +“I will tell you something else connected with it,” said Edward. + +“After baptising the chief, St. Patrick made an eloquent exhortation +to the assembled multitude, and in the course of his address, while +enforcing his urgent appeal with appropriate gesture, as the hand which +held his crosier, after being raised towards heaven, descended again +towards the earth, the point of his staff, armed with metal, was +driven through the foot of the chief, who, fancying it was part of the +ceremony, and but a necessary testing of the firmness of his faith, +never winced.” + +“He was a fine fellow,” said Gusty. “And is that the crosier?” he added, +alluding to the one in Edward's collection, and manifestly excited by +what he had heard. + +“No,” said Edward, “but one of early date, and belonging to some of the +first preachers of the gospel amongst us.” + +“And have you other things here with such beautiful stories belonging to +them?” inquired Gusty, eager for more of that romantic lore which youth +loves so passionately. + +“Not that I know of,” answered Edward “but if these objects here had +only tongues, if every sword, and belt, and spear-head, and golden +bodkin, and other trinket could speak, no doubt we should hear stirring +stories of gallant warriors and their ladye-loves.” + +“Aye, that would be something to hear!” exclaimed Gusty. + +“Well,” said Edward, “you may have many _such_ stories by reading the +history of your country; which if you have not read, I can lend you +books enough.” + +“Oh, thank you,” said Gusty; “I should like it so much.” + +Edward approached the book-shelf and selected a volume he thought the +most likely to interest so little practised a reader; and when he turned +round he saw Gusty poising in his hand an antique Irish sword of bronze. + +“Do you know what that is?” inquired Edward. + +“I can't tell you the name of it,” answered Gusty, “but I suppose it was +_something to stick a fellow_.” + +Edward smiled at the characteristic reply, and told him it was an +antique Irish sword. + +“A sword?” he exclaimed. “Isn't it short for a sword?” + +“All the swords of that day were short.” + +“When was that?” inquired the boy. + +“Somewhere about two thousand years ago.” + +“Two thousand years,” exclaimed Gusty, in surprise. “How is it possible +you can tell this is two thousand years old?” + +“Because it is made of the same metal and of the same shape as the +swords found at Cannae, where the Carthaginians fought the Romans.” + +“I know the Roman history,” said Gusty, eager to display his little bit +of knowledge; “I know the Roman history. Romulus and Remus were educated +by a wolf.” Edward could not resist a smile, which he soon suppressed, +and continued:--“Such works as you now hold in your hand are found _in +quantities_ in Ireland, and seldom anywhere else in Europe, except in +Italy, particularly at Cannae, where some thousands of Carthaginians +fell; and when we find the sword of the same make and metal in places +so remote, it establishes a strong connecting link between the people of +Carthage and of Ireland, and at once shows their date.” + +“How curious that is!” exclaimed Gusty; “and how odd I never heard it +before! Are there many such curious things you know?” + +“Many,” said Edward. + +“I wonder how people can find out such odd things,” said the boy. + +“My dear boy,” said Edward, “after getting a certain amount of +knowledge, other knowledge comes very fast; it gathers like a +snowball--or perhaps it would be better to illustrate the fact by a +milldam. You know, when the water is low in the milldam, the miller +cannot drive his wheel; but the moment the water comes up to a certain +level it has force to work the mill. And so it is with knowledge; when +once you get it up to a certain level, you can 'work your mill,' with +this great advantage over the milldam, that the stream of knowledge, +once reaching the working level, never runs dry.” + +“Oh, I wish I knew as much as you do,” exclaimed Gusty. + +“And so you can if you wish it,” said Edward. + +Gusty sighed heavily, and admitted he had been very idle. Edward told +him he had plenty of time before him to repair the damage. + +A conversation then ensued, perfectly frank on the part of the boy, +and kind on Edward's side to all his deficiencies, which he found to +be lamentable, as far as learning went. He had some small smattering of +Latin; but Gustavus vowed steady attention to his tutor and his studies +for the future. Edward, knowing what a miserable scholar the tutor +himself was, offered to put Gustavus through his Latin and Greek +himself. Gustavus accepted the offer with gratitude, and rode over +every day to Mount Eskar for his lesson; and, under the intelligent +explanations of Edward, the difficulties which had hitherto discouraged +him disappeared, and it was surprising what progress he made. At the +same time he devoured Irish history, and became rapidly tinctured with +that enthusiastic love of all that belonged to his country which he +found in his teacher; and Edward soon hailed, in the ardent neophyte, +a noble and intelligent spirit redeemed from ignorance and rendered +capable of higher enjoyments than those to be derived merely from +field sports. Edward, however, did not confine his instructions to +book-learning only; there is much to be learned by living with the +educated, whose current conversation alone is instructive; and Edward +had Gustavus with him as constantly as he could; and after some time, +when the frequency of Gusty's visits to Mount Eskar ceased to excite any +wonder at home, he sometimes spent several days together with Edward, to +whom he became continually more and more attached. Edward showed great +judgment in making his training attractive to his pupil: he did not +attend merely to his head; he thought of other things as well; joined +him in the sports and exercises he knew, and taught him those in which +he was uninstructed. Fencing, for instance, was one of these; Edward was +a tolerable master of his foil, and in a few months Gustavus, under his +tuition, could parry a thrust and make no bad attempt at a hit himself. +His improvement in every way was so remarkable, that it was noticed by +all, and its cause did not long remain secret; and when it _was_ known, +Edward O'Connor's character stood higher than ever, and the whole +country said it was a lucky day for Gusty O'Grady that he found such +a friend. As the limits of our story would not permit the intercourse +between Edward and Gustavus to be treated in detail, this general sketch +of it has been given; and in stating its consequences so far, a peep +into the future has been granted by the author, with a benevolence +seldom belonging to his ill-natured and crafty tribe, who endeavour to +hoodwink their docile followers as much as possible, and keep them in +a state of ignorance as to coming events. But now, having been so +indulgent, we must beg to lay hold of the skirts of our readers and pull +them back again down the ladder into the private still, where Bridget +pulled back Andy very much after the same fashion, and the results of +which we must treat of in our next chapter. + + + + +CHAPTER XLI + + +When Bridget dragged Andy back and insisted on his going to bed-- + +No--I will not be too good natured and tell my story in that way; +besides, it would be a very difficult matter to tell it; and why should +an author, merely to oblige people, get himself involved in a labyrinth +of difficulties, and rack his unfortunate brain to pick and choose words +properly to tell his story, yet at the same time to lead his readers +through the mazes of this very ticklish adventure, without a single +thorn scratching their delicate feelings, or as much as making the +smallest rent in the white muslin robe of propriety? So, not to run +unnecessary risks, the story must go on another way. + +When Shan More and the rest of the “big blackguards” began to wake, the +morning after the abduction, and gave a turn or two under their heather +coverlid, and rubbed their eyes as the sun peeped through the “curtains +of the east”--for these were the only bed-curtains Shan More and his +companions ever had--they stretched themselves and yawned, and felt +very thirsty, for they had all been blind drunk the night before, be it +remembered; and Shan More, to use his own expressive and poetic +imagery, swore that his tongue was “as rough as a rat's back,” while +his companions went no further than saying theirs were as “dry as a +lime-burner's wig.” We should not be so particular in those minute +details but for that desire of truth which has guided us all through +this veracious history and as in this scene, in particular, we feel +ourselves sure to be held seriously responsible for every word, we are +determined to be accurate to a nicety, and set down every syllable with +stenographic strictness. + +“Where's the girl?” cried Shan, not yet sober. + +“She's asleep with your sisther,” was the answer. + +“Down-stairs?” inquired Shan. + +“Yes,” said the other, who now knew that Big Jack was more drunk than he +at first thought him, by his using the words _stairs_; for Jack when he +was drunk was very grand, and called _down the ladder_ “down-_stairs_.” + +“Get me a drink o' wather,” said Jack, “for I'm thundherin' thirsty, and +can't deludher that girl with soft words till I wet my mouth.” + +His attendant vagabond obeyed the order, and a large pitcher full of +water was handed to the master, who heaved it upwards to his head and +drank as audibly and nearly as much as a horse. Then holding his hands +to receive the remaining contents of the pitcher, which his followers +poured into his monstrous palms, he soused his face, which he afterwards +wiped in a wisp of grass--the only towel of Jack's which was not then at +the wash. + +Having thus made his toilet, Big Jack went downstairs, and as soon as +his great bull-head had disappeared beneath the trap, one of the men +above said, “We'll have a _shilloe_ soon, boys.” + +And sure enough they did before long hear an extraordinary row. Jack +first roared for Bridget, and no answer was returned; the call was +repeated with as little effect, and at last a most tremendous roar was +heard above, but not from a female voice. Jack was heard below, swearing +like a trooper, and, in a minute or two, back he rushed “_up-stairs_” + and began cursing his myrmidons most awfully, and foaming at the mouth +with rage. + +“What's the matther?” cried the men. + +“Matther!” roared Jack; “oh, you 'tarnal villains! You're a purty set to +carry off a girl for a man--a purty job you've made of it!” + +“Arrah, didn't we bring her to you?” + +“_Her_, indeed--bring _her_--much good what you brought is to me!” + +“Tare an' ouns! what's the matther at all? We dunna what you mane!” + shouted the men, returning rage for rage. + +“Come down, and you'll see what's the matther,” said Jack, descending +the ladder; and the men hastened after him. + +He led the way to the further end of the cabin, where a small glimmering +of light was permitted to enter from the top, and lifting a tattered +piece of canvas, which served as a screen to the bed, he exclaimed, with +a curse, “Look there, you blackguards!” + +The men gave a shout of surprise, for--what do you think they saw?--An +empty bed! + + + + +CHAPTER XLII + + +It may be remembered that, on Father Phil's recommendation, Andy was +to be removed out of the country to place him beyond the reach of Larry +Hogan's machinations, and that the proposed journey to London afforded a +good opportunity of taking him out of the way. Andy had been desired +by Squire Egan to repair to Merryvale; but as some days had elapsed and +Andy had not made his appearance, the alarms of the Squire that Andy +might be tampered with began to revive, and Dick Dawson was therefore +requested to call at the Widow Rooney's cabin as he was returning from +the town, where some business with Murphy, about the petition against +Scatterbrain's return, demanded his presence. + +Dick, as it happened, had no need to call at the widow's, for on his way +to the town who should he see approaching but the renowned Andy himself. +On coming up to him, Dick pulled up his horse, and Andy pulled off his +hat. + +“God save your honour,” said Andy. + +“Why didn't you come to Merryvale, as you were bid?” said Dick. + +“I couldn't, sir, becase--” + +“Hold your tongue, you thief; you know you never can do what you're +bid--you are always wrong one way or other.” + +“You're hard on me, Misther Dick.” + +“Did you ever do anything right?--I ask yourself?” + +“Indeed, sir, this time it was a rale bit o' business I had to do.” + +“And well you did it, no doubt. Did you marry any one lately?” said +Dick, with a waggish grin and a wink. + +“Faix, then, maybe I did,” said Andy, with a knowing nod. + +“And I hope _Matty_ is well?” said Dick. + +“Ah, Misther Dick, you're always goin' on with your jokin', so you are. +So, you heerd o' that job, did you? Faix, a purty lady she is--oh, it's +not her at all I am married to, but another woman.” + +“Another woman!” exclaimed Dick, in surprise. + +“Yis, sir, another woman--a kind craythur.” + +“Another woman!” reiterated Dick, laughing; “married to two women in two +days! Why you're worse than a Turk!” + +“Ah, Misther Dick!” + +“You Tarquin!” + +“Sure, sir, what harm's in it?”' + +“You Heliogabalus!!” + +“Sure, it's no fault o' mine, sir.” + +“Bigamy, by this and that, flat bigamy! You'll only be hanged, as sure +as your name's Andy.” + +“Sure, let me tell you how it was, sir, and you'll see I am quit of all +harm, good or bad. 'T was a pack o' blackguards, you see, come to take +off Oonah, sir.” + +“Oh, a case of abduction!” + +“Yis, sir; so the women dhressed me up as a girl, and the blackguards, +instead of the seduction of Oonah, only seduced me.” + +“Capital!” cried Dick; “well done, Andy! And who seduced you?” + +“Shan _More_, 'faith--no less.” + +“Ho, ho! a dangerous customer to play tricks on, Andy.” + +“Sure enough, 'faith, and that's partly the rayson of what happened; +but, by good luck, Big Jack was blind dhrunk when I got there, and I +shammed screechin' so well that his sisther took pity on me, and said +she'd keep me safe from harm in her own bed that night.” + +Dick gave a “view hallo” when he heard this, and shouted with laughter, +delighted at the thought of Shan More, instead of carrying off a girl +for himself, introducing a gallant to his own sister. + +“Oh, now I see how you are married,” said Dick; “that was the biter bit +indeed.” + +“Oh, the divil a bit I'd ha' bit her only for the cross luck with +me, for I wanted to schame off out o' the place, and escape; but she +wouldn't let me, and cotch me and brought me back.” + +“I should think she would, indeed,” said Dick, laughing. “What next?” + +“Why I drank a power o' punch, sir, and was off my guard, you see, and +couldn't keep the saycret so well afther that, and by dad she found it +out.” + +“Just what I would expect of her,” said Dick. + +“Well, do you know, sir, though the thrick was agen her own brother, +she laughed at it a power, and said I was a great divil, but that she +couldn't blame me. So then I'd sthruv to coax her to let me make my +escape, but she told me to wait a bit till the men above was faster +asleep; but while I was waitin' for them to go to sleep, faix, I went to +asleep myself, I was so tired; and when Bridget, the crathur, 'woke me +in the morning, she was cryin' like a spout afther a thunder-storm, and +said her characther would be ruined when the story got abroad over the +counthry, and sure she darn't face the world if I wouldn't make her an +honest woman.” + +“The brazen baggage!” said Dick; “and what did you say?” + +“Why what could any man say, sir, afther that? Sure her karacther would +be gone if--” + +“Gone,” said Dick, “'faith it might have gone further before it fared +worse.” + +“Arrah! what do you mane, Misther Dick?” + +“Pooh, pooh! Andy--you don't mean to say you married that one?” + +“Faix, I did,” said Andy. + +“Well, Andy,” said Dick, grinning, “by the powers, you _have_ done it +this time! Good morning to you!” and Dick put spurs to his horse. + + + + +CHAPTER XLIII + + +Andy, “knocked all of a heap,” stood in the middle of the road, looking +after Dick as he cantered down the slope. It was seldom poor Andy was +angry--but he felt a strong sense of indignation choking him as Dick's +parting words still rung in his ears. “What does he mane?” said Andy, +talking aloud; “what does he mane?” he repeated, anxious to doubt and +therefore question the obvious construction which Dick's words bore. +“Misther Dick is fond of a joke, and maybe this is one of his making; +but if it is, 't is not a fair one, 'pon my sowl: a poor man has his +feelin's as well as a rich man. How would you like your own wife to +be spoke of that way, Misther Dick, as proud as you ride your horse +there--humph?” + +Andy, in great indignation, pursued his way towards his mother's cabin +to ask her blessing upon his marriage. On his presenting himself there, +both the old woman and Oonah were in great delight at witnessing his +safe return; Oonah particularly, for she, feeling that it was for her +sake Andy placed himself in danger, had been in a state of great anxiety +for the result of the adventure, and, on seeing him, absolutely threw +herself into his arms, and embraced him tenderly, impressing many a +hearty kiss upon his lips, between whiles that she vowed she would never +forget his generosity and courage, and ending with saying there was +_nothing_ she would not do for him. + +Now Andy was flesh and blood like other people, and as the showers of +kisses from Oonah's ripe lips fell fast upon him he was not insensible +to the embrace of so very pretty a girl--a girl, moreover, he had always +had a “sneaking kindness” for, which Oonah's distance of manner alone +had hitherto made him keep to himself; but now, when he saw her eyes +beam gratitude, and her cheek flush, after her strong demonstration of +regard, and heard her last words, so _very_ like a hint to a shy man, +it must be owned a sudden pang shot through poor Andy's heart, and he +sickened at the thought of being married, which placed the tempting +prize before him hopelessly beyond his reach. + +He looked so blank, and seemed so unable to return Oonah's fond +greeting, that she felt the pique which every pretty woman experiences +who fancies her favours disregarded, and thought Andy the stupidest lout +she ever came across. Turning up her hair, which had fallen down in the +excess of her friendship, she walked out of the cottage, and, biting her +disdainful lip, fairly cried for spite. + +In the meantime, Andy popped down on his knees before the widow, and +said, “Give me your blessing, mother!” + +“For what, you omadhawn?” said his mother, fiercely; for her woman's +nature took part with Oonah's feelings, which she quite comprehended, +and she was vexed with what she thought Andy's disgusting insensibility. +“For what should I give you my blessing?” + +“Bekase I'm marri'd, ma'am.” + +“What!” exclaimed the mother. “It's not marri'd again you are? You're +jokin' sure.” + +“Faix, it's no joke,” said Andy, sadly, “I'm marri'd sure enough; so +give us your blessin', anyhow,” cried he, still kneeling. + +“And who did you _dar'_ for to marry, sir, if I make so bowld to ax, +without _my_ lave or license?” + +“There was no time for axin', mother--'t was done in a hurry, and I +can't help it, so give us your blessing at once.” + +“Tell me who is she, before I give you my blessin'?” + +“_Shan More's_ sister, ma'am.” + +“What!” exclaimed the widow, staggering back some paces--“Shan More's +sisther, did you say--Bridget _rhua_ [Footnote: Red-haired Bridget.] is +it?” + +“Yis, ma'am.” + +“Oh, wirrasthru!--plillelew!--millia murther!” shouted the mother, +tearing her cap off her head,--“Oh blessed Vargin, holy St. Dominick, +Pether an' Paul the 'possel, what'll I do?--Oh, patther an' ave--you +dirty _bosthoon_--blessed angels and holy marthyrs!--kneelin' there in +the middle o' the flure as if nothing happened--look down on me this +day, a poor vartuous _dissolute_ woman!--Oh, you disgrace to me and all +belonging to you,--and is it the impidence to ask my blessin' you have, +when it's a whippin' at the cart's tail you ought to get, you shameless +scapegrace?” + +She then went wringing her hands, and throwing them upwards in appeals +to Heaven, while Andy still kept kneeling in the middle of the cabin, +lost in wonder. + +The widow ran to the door and called Oonah in. + +“Who do you think that blackguard is marri'd to?” said the widow. + +“Married!” exclaimed Oonah, growing pale. + +“Ay, marri'd, and who to, do you think?--Why to Bridget _rhua_.” + +Oonah screamed and clasped her hands. + +Andy got up at last, and asked what they were making such a rout about; +he wasn't the first man who married without asking his mother's leave; +and wanted to know what they had to “say agen it.” + +“Oh, you barefaced scandal o' the world!” cried the widow, “to ax sitch +a question--to marry a thrampin' sthreel like that--a great red-headed +jack--” + +“She can't help her hair,” said Andy. + +“I wish I could cut it off, and her head along with it, the sthrap! Oh, +blessed Vargin! to have my daughter-in-law--” + +“What?” said Andy, getting rather alarmed. + +“That all the country knows is--” + +“What?” cried Andy. + +“Not a fair nor a market-town doesn't know her as well as--Oh, wirra! +wirra!” + +“Why you don't mane to say anything agen her charackther, do you?” said +Andy. + +“Charakther, indeed!” said his mother, with a sneer. + +“By this an' that,” said Andy, “if she was the child unborn she couldn't +make a greater hullabaloo about her charakther than she did the mornin' +afther.” + +“Afther what?” said his mother. + +“Afther I was tuk away up to the hill beyant, and found her there, +and--but I b'lieve I didn't tell you how it happened.” + +“No,” said Oonah, coming forward, deadly pale, and listening anxiously, +with a look of deep pity in her soft eyes. + +Andy then related his adventure as the reader already knows it; and +when it was ended, Oonah burst into tears and in passionate exclamations +blamed herself for all that had happened, saying it was in the endeavour +to save her that Andy had lost himself. + +“Oh, Oonah! Oonah!” said Andy, with more meaning in his voice than the +girl had ever heard before, “it isn't the loss of myself I mind, but +I've lost _you_ too. Oh, if you had ever given me a tendher word or look +before this day, 't would never have happened, and that desaiver in the +hills never could have _deludhered me_. And tell me, _lanna machree_, is +my suspicions right in what I hear--tell me the worst at oncet--is she +_non compos_?” + +“Oh, I never heerd her called by that name before,” sobbed Oonah, “but +she has a great many others just as bad.” + +“Ow! ow! ow!” exclaimed Andy. “Now I know what Misther Dick laughed at; +well, death before dishonour--I'll go 'list for a sojer, and never live +with her!” + + + + +CHAPTER XLIV + + +It has been necessary in an earlier chapter to notice the strange freaks +madness will sometimes play. It was then the object to show how strong +affections of the mind will recall an erring judgment to its true +balance; but, the action of the counterpoise growing weaker by time, +the disease returns, and reason again kicks the beam. Such was the old +dowager's case: the death of her son recalled her to herself; but a few +days produced relapse, and she was as foolish as ever. Nevertheless, as +Polonius remarks of Hamlet, + + “There is method in his madness;” + +so in the dowager's case there was method--not of a sane intention, +as the old courtier implies of the Danish Prince, but of _in_sane +birth--begot of a chivalrous feeling on an enfeebled mind. + +To make this clearly understood it is necessary to call attention to +one other peculiarity of madness,--that, while it makes those under +its influence liable to say and enact all sorts of nonsense on some +subjects, it never impairs their powers of observation on those which +chance to come within the reach of the un-diseased portion of the mind; +and moreover, they are quite as capable of arriving at just conclusions +upon what they _so_ see and hear, as the most reasonable person, and, +perhaps, in proportion as the reasoning power is limited within a +smaller compass, so the capability of observation becomes stronger by +being concentrated. + +Such was the case with the old dowager, who, while Furlong was “doing +devotion” to Augusta, and appeared the pink of faithful swains, saw very +clearly that Furlong did not like it a bit, and would gladly be off his +bargain. Yea, while the people in their sober senses on the same plane +with the parties were taken in, the old lunatic, even from the toppling +height of her own mad chimney-pot, could look down and see that Furlong +would not marry Augusta if he could help it. + +It _was_ even so. Furlong had acted under the influence of terror when +poor Augusta, shoved into his bedroom through the devilment of that +rascally imp, Ratty, and found there, through the evil destiny of Andy, +was flung into his arms by her enraged father, and accepted as his wife. +The immediate hurry of the election had delayed the marriage--the +duel and its consequences further interrupted “the happy event”--and +O'Grady's death caused a further postponement. It was delicately hinted +to Furlong, that when matters had gone so far as to the wedding-dresses +being ready, that the sooner the contracting parties under such +circumstances were married, the better. But Furlong, with that +affectation of propriety which belongs to his time-serving +tribe, pleaded the “regard to appearances”--“so soon after the +ever-to-be-deplored event,”--and other such specious excuses, which +were but covers to his own rascality, and used but to postpone the +“wedding-day.” The truth was, the moment Furlong had no longer the +terrors of O'Grady's pistol before his eyes, he had resolved never to +take so bad a match as that with Augusta appeared to be--indeed was, as +far as regarded money; though Furlong should only have been too glad +to be permitted to mix his plebeian blood with the daughter of a man +of high family, whose crippled circumstances and consequent truckling +conduct had reduced him to the wretched necessity of making _such a cur_ +as Furlong the inmate of his house. But so it was. + +The family began at last to suspect the real state of the case, and all +were surprised except the old dowager; she had expected what was coming, +and had prepared herself for it. All her pistol practice was with a view +to call Furlong to the “last arbitrament” for this slight to her house. +Gusty was too young, she considered, for the duty; therefore she, in +her fantastic way of looking at the matter, looked upon _herself_ as the +head of the family, and, as such, determined to resent the affront put +upon it. + +But of her real design the family at Neck-or-Nothing Hall had not the +remotest notion. Of course, an old lady going about with a pistol, +powder-flask, and bullets, and practising on the trunks of the trees in +the park, could not pass without observation, and surmises there were +on the subject; then her occasional exclamation of “Tremble, villain!” + would escape her; and sometimes in the family circle, after sitting for +a while in a state of abstraction, she would lift her attenuated hand +armed with a knitting-needle or a ball of worsted, and assuming the +action of poising a pistol, execute a smart _click_ with her tongue, and +say, “I hit him that time.” + +These exclamations, indicative of vengeance, were supposed at length +by the family to apply to Edward O'Connor, but excited pity rather than +alarm. When, however, one morning, the dowager was nowhere to be +found, and Ratty and the pistols had also disappeared, an inquiry was +instituted as to the old lady's whereabouts, and Mount Eskar was one +of the first places where she was sought, but without success; and all +other inquiries were equally unavailing. + +The old lady had contrived, with that cunning peculiar to insane people, +to get away from the house at an early hour in the morning, unknown to +all except Ratty, to whom she confided her intention, and he managed to +get her out of the domain unobserved, and thence together they proceeded +to Dublin in a post-chaise. It was the day after this secret expedition +was undertaken that Mr. Furlong was sitting in his private apartment +at the Castle, doing “the state some service” by reading the morning +papers, which heavy official duty he relieved occasionally by turning +to some scented notes which lay near a morocco writing-case, whence they +had been drawn by the lisping dandy to flatter his vanity. He had been +carrying on a correspondence with an anonymous fair one, in whose heart, +if her words might be believed, Furlong had made desperate havoc. + +It happened, however, that these notes were all fictitious, being the +work of Tom Loftus, who enjoyed playing on a puppy as much as playing on +the organ; and he had the satisfaction of seeing Furlong going through +his paces in certain squares he had appointed, wearing a flower of Tom's +choice and going through other antics which Tom had demanded under +the signature of “Phillis,” written in a delicate hand on pink satin +note-paper with a lace border; one of the last notes suggested the +possibility of a visit from the lady, and, after assurances of “secrecy +and honour” had been returned by Furlong, he was anxiously expecting +“what would become of it;” and filled with pleasing reflections of what +“a devil of a fellow” he was among the ladies, he occasionally paced +the room before a handsome dressing-glass (with which his apartment +was always furnished), and ran his fingers through his curls with a +complacent smile. While thus occupied, and in such a frame of mind, the +hall messenger entered the apartment, and said a lady wished to see him. + +“A lady!” exclaimed Furlong, in delighted surprise. + +“She won't give her name, sir, but--” + +“Show her up! show her up!” exclaimed the Lothario, eagerly. + +All anxiety, he awaited the appearance of his donna; and quite a donna +she seemed, as a commanding figure, dressed in black, and enveloped in a +rich veil of the same, glided into the room. + +“How vewy Spanish!” exclaimed Furlong, as he advanced to meet his +incognita, who, as soon as she entered, locked the door, and withdrew +the key. + +“Quite pwactised in such secwet affairs,” said Furlong slily. “Fai' +lady, allow me to touch you' fai' hand, and lead you to a seat.” + +The mysterious stranger made no answer; but lifting her long veil, +turned round on the lisping dandy, who staggered back, when the dowager +O'Grady appeared before him, drawn up to her full height, and anything +but an agreeable expression in her eye. She stalked up towards him, +something in the style of a spectre in a romance, which she was not +very unlike; and as she advanced, he retreated, until he got the table +between him and this most unwelcome apparition. + +“I am come,” said the dowager, with an ominous tone of voice. + +“Vewy happy of the hono', I am sure, Mistwess O'Gwady,” faltered +Furlong. + +“The avenger has come.” Furlong opened his eyes. “I have come to wash +the stain!” said she, tapping her fingers in a theatrical manner on the +table, and, as it happened, she pointed to a large blotch of ink on the +table-cover. Furlong opened his eyes wider than ever, and thought this +the queerest bit of madness he ever heard of; however, thinking it best +to humour her, he answered, “Yes, it was a little awkwa'dness of mine--I +upset the inkstand the othe' day.” + +“Do you mock me, sir?” said she, with increasing bitterness. + +“La, no! Mistwess O'Gwady.” + +“I have come, I say, to wash out in your blood the stain you have dared +to put on the name of O'Grady.” + +Furlong gasped with mingled amazement and fear. + +“Tremble, villain!” she said; and she pointed toward him her long +attenuated finger with portentous solemnity. + +[Illustration: The Challenge] + +“I weally am quite at a loss, Mistwess O'Gwady, to compwehend--” + +Before he could finish his sentence, the dowager had drawn from the +depths of her side-pockets a brace of pistols, and presenting them to +Furlong, said, “Be at a loss no longer, except the loss of life which +may ensue: take your choice of weapons, sir.” + +“Gwacious Heaven!” exclaimed Furlong, trembling from head to foot. + +“You won't choose, then?” said the dowager. “Well, there's one for you;” + and she laid a pistol before him with as courteous a manner as if she +were making him a birthday present. + +Furlong stared down upon it with a look of horror. + +“Now we must toss for choice of ground,” said the dowager. “I have no +money about me, for I paid my last half-crown to the post-boy, but this +will do as well for a toss as anything else;” and she laid her hands +on the dressing-glass as she spoke. “Now the call shall be 'safe,' or +'smash;' whoever calls 'safe,' if the glass comes down unbroken, has the +choice, and _vice versâ_. I call first--'_Smash_,'” said the dowager, as +she flung up the dressing-glass, which fell in shivers on the floor. “I +have won,” said she; “oblige me, sir, by standing in that far corner. +I have the light in my back--and you will have something else in yours +before long; take your ground, sir.” + +Furlong, finding himself thus cooped up with a mad woman, in an agony of +terror suddenly bethought himself of instances he had heard of escape, +under similar circumstances, by coinciding to a certain extent with the +views of the insane people, and suggested to the dowager that he hoped +she would not insist on a duel without their having a “friend” present. + +“I beg your pardon, sir,” said the old lady: “I quite forgot that +form, in the excitement of the moment, though I have not overlooked the +necessity altogether, and have come provided with one.” + +“Allow me to wing for him,” said Furlong, rushing to the bell. + +“Stop!” exclaimed the dowager, levelling her pistol at the bell-pull; +“touch it, and you are a dead man!” + +Furlong stood riveted to the spot where his rush had been arrested. + +“No interruption, sir, till this little affair is settled. Here is my +friend,” she added, putting her hand into her pocket and pulling out the +wooden cuckoo of her clock. “My little bird, sir, will see fair between +us;” and she perched the painted wooden thing, with a bit of feather +grotesquely sticking up out of its nether end, on the morocco +letter-case. + +“Oh, Lord!” said Furlong. + +“He's a gentleman of the nicest honour, sir!” said the dowager, pacing +back to the window. + +Furlong took advantage of the opportunity of her back being turned, and +rushed at the bell, which he pulled with great fury. + +The dowager wheeled round with haste. “So you have rung,” said she, +“but it shall not avail you--the door is locked; take your weapon, +sir,--quick!--what!--a coward!” + +“Weally, Mistwess O'Gwady, I cannot think of deadly arbitrament with a +lady.” + +“Less would you like it with a man, _poltroon_!” said she, with an +exaggerated expression of contempt in her manner. “However,” she added, +“if you _are_ a coward, you shall have a coward's punishment.” She went +to a corner where stood a great variety of handsome canes, and laying +hold of one, began soundly to thrash Furlong, who feared to make any +resistance or attempt to disarm her of the cane, for the pistol was yet +in her other hand. + +The bell was answered by the servant, who, on finding the door locked, +and hearing the row inside, began to knock and inquire loudly what was +the matter. The question was more loudly answered by Furlong, who roared +out, “Bweak the door! bweak the door!” interlarding his directions with +cries of “mu'der!” + +The door at length was forced, Furlong rescued, and the old lady +separated from him. She became perfectly calm the moment other persons +appeared, and was replacing the pistols in her pocket, when Furlong +requested the “dweadful weapons” might be seized. The old lady gave up +the pistols very quietly, but laid hold of her bird and put it back into +her pocket. + +“This is a dweadful violation!” said Furlong, “and my life is not safe +unless she is bound ove' to keep the peace.” + +“Pooh! pooh!” said one of the gentlemen from the adjacent office, who +came to the scene on hearing the uproar, “binding over an old lady to +keep the peace--nonsense!” + +“I insist upon it,” said Furlong, with that stubbornness for which fools +are so remarkable. + +“Oh--very well!” said the sensible gentleman, who left the room. + +A party, pursuant to Furlong's determination, proceeded to the head +police-office close by the Castle, and a large mob gathered as they went +down Cork-hill and followed them to Exchange-court, where they crowded +before them in front of the office, so that it was with difficulty the +principals could make their way through the dense mass. + +At length, however, they entered the office; and when Major Sir heard +any gentleman attached to the Government wanted his assistance, of +course he put any other case aside, and had the accuser and accused +called up before him. + +Furlong made his charge of assault and battery, with intent to murder, +&c., &c. “Some mad old rebel, I suppose,” said Major Sir. “Do you +remember '98, ma'am?” said the major. + +“Indeed I do, sir--and I remember _you_ too: Major Sir I have the honour +to address, if I don't mistake.” + +“Yes, ma'am. What then?” + +“I remember well in '98 when you were searching for rebels, you thought +a man was concealed in a dairy-yard in the neighbourhood of my mother's +house, major, in Stephen's Green; and you thought he was hid in a +hay-rick, and ordered your sergeant to ask for the loan of a spit from +my mother's kitchen to probe the haystack.” + +“Oh! then, madam, your mother was _loyal_, I suppose.” + +“Most loyal, sir.” + +“Give the lady a chair,” said the major. + +“Thank you, I don't want it--but, major, when you asked for the spit, +my mother thought you were going to practise one of your delightfully +ingenious bits of punishment, and asked the sergeant _who it was you +were going to roast_?” + +The major grew livid on the bench where he sat, at this awkward +reminiscence of one of his friends, and a dead silence reigned through +the crowded office. He recovered himself, however, and addressed Mrs. +O'Grady in a mumbling manner, telling her she must give security to keep +the peace, herself--and find friends as sureties. On asking her had she +any friends to appear for her, she declared she had. + +“A gentleman of the nicest honour, sir,” said the dowager, pulling her +cuckoo from her pocket, and holding it up in view of the whole office. + +A shout of laughter, of course, followed. The affair became at once +understood in its true light; a mad old lady--a paltry coward--&c., &c. +Those who know the excitability and fun of an Irish mob will not +wonder that, when the story got circulated from the office to the crowd +without, which it did with lightning rapidity, the old lady, on being +placed in a hackney-coach which was sent for, was hailed with a chorus +of “Cuckoo!” by the multitude, one half of which ran after the coach +as long as they could keep pace with it, shouting forth the spring-time +call, and the other half followed Furlong to the Castle, with hisses and +other more articulate demonstrations of their contempt. + + + + +CHAPTER XLV + + +The fat and fair Widow Flanagan had, at length, given up +shilly-shallying, and yielding to the fervent entreaties of Tom Durfy, +had consented to name the happy day. She _would_ have some little +ways of her own about it, however, and instead of being married in the +country, insisted on the nuptial knot being tied in Dublin. Thither +the widow repaired with her swain to complete the stipulated time of +residence within some metropolitan parish before the wedding could +take place. In the meanwhile they enjoyed all the gaiety the capital +presented, the time glided swiftly by, and Tom was within a day of being +made a happy man, when, as he was hastening to the lodgings of the fair +widow, who was waiting with her bonnet and shawl on to be escorted to +the botanical gardens at Glasnevin, he was accosted by an odd-looking +person of somewhat sinister aspect. + +“I believe I have the honour of addressing Mister Durfy, sir?” Tom +answered in the affirmative. “_Thomas_ Durfy, Esquire, I think, sir?” + +“Yes.” + +“This is for you, sir,” he said, handing Tom a piece of dirty printed +paper, and at the same time laying his hand on Tom's shoulder and +executing a smirking sort of grin, which he meant to be the pattern +of politeness, added, “You'll excuse me, sir, but I arrest you under a +warrant from the High Sheriff of the city of Dublin; always sorry, sir, +for a gintleman in defficulties, but it's my duty.” + +“You're a bailiff, then?” said Tom. + +“Sir,” said the bum, + + “'Honour and shame from no condition rise; + Act well your part--there all the honour lies.'” + +“I meant no offence,” said Tom. “I only meant--” + +“I understand, sir--I understand. These little defficulties startles +gintlemen at first--you've not been used to arrest, I see, sir?” + +“Never in my life did such a thing happen before,” said Tom. “I live +generally, thank God, where a bailiff daren't show his face.” + +“Ah, sir,” said the bailiff with a grin, “them rustic habits betrays +the children o' nature often when they come to town; but we are _so +fisticated_ here in the metropolis, that we lay our hands on strangers +aisy. But you'd better not stand in the street, sir, or people will +understand it's an arrest, sir; and I suppose you wouldn't like the +exposure. I can simperise in a gintle-man's feelings, sir. If you +walk aisy on, sir, and don't attempt to escape or rescue, I'll keep a +gentlemanlike distance.” + +Tom walked on in great perplexity for a few steps, not knowing what +to do. The hour of his rendezvous had struck; he knew how impatient of +neglect the widow always was; he at one moment thought of asking the +bailiff to allow him to proceed to her lodgings at once, there boldly +to avow what had taken place and ask her to discharge the debt; but +this his pride would not allow him to do. As he came to the corner of a +street, he got a tap on the elbow from the bailiff, who, with a jerking +motion of his thumb and a wink, said in a confidential tone to Tom, +“Down this street, sir--that's the way to the _pres'n_ (prison).” + +“Prison!” exclaimed Tom, halting involuntarily at the word. + +“Shove on, sir--shove on!” hastily repeated the sheriff's officer, +urging his orders by a nudge or two on Tom's elbow. + +“Don't shove me, sir!” said Tom, rather angrily, “or by G--” + +“Aisy, sir--aisy!” said the bailiff; “though I feel for the defficulties +of a gintleman, the caption must be made, sir. If you don't like the +pris'n, I have a nice little room o' my own, sir, where you can wait, +for a small consideration, until you get bail.” + +“I'll go there, then,” said Tom. “Go through as private streets as you +can.” + +“Give me half-a-guinea for my trouble, sir, and I'll ambulate you +through lanes every _fut_ o' the way.” + +“Very well,” said Tom. + +They now struck into a shabby street, and thence wended through stable +lanes, filthy alleys, up greasy broken steps, through one close, and +down steps in another--threaded dark passages whose debouchures were +blocked up with posts to prevent vehicular conveyance, the accumulated +dirt of years sensible to the tread from its lumpy unevenness, and the +stagnant air rife with pestilence. Tom felt increasing disgust at every +step he proceeded, but anything to him appeared better than being seen +in the public streets in such company; for, until they got into these +labyrinths of nastiness, Tom thought he saw in the looks of every +passer-by, as plainly told as if the words were spoken, “There goes a +fellow under the care of the bailiff.” In these by-ways, he had not any +objection to speak to his companion, and for the first time asked him +what he was arrested for. + +“At the suit of Mr. M'Kail, sir.” + +“Oh! the tailor?” said Tom. + +“Yes, sir,” said the bailiff. “And if you would not consider it trifling +with the feelings of a gintleman in defficulties, I would make the +playful observation, sir, that it's quite in character to be arrested at +the _suit_ of a tailor. He! he! he!” + +“You're a wag, I see,” said Tom. + +“Oh no, sir, only a poetic turn: a small affection I have certainly for +Judy Mot, but my rale passion is the muses. We are not far now, sir, +from my little bower of repose--which is the name I give my humble +abode--small, but snug, sir. You'll see another gintleman there, sir, +before you. He is waitin' for bail these three or four days, sir--can't +pay as he ought for the 'commodation, but he's a friend o' mine, I may +almost say, sir--a litherary gintleman--them litherary gintlemen is +always in defficulties mostly. I suppose you're a litherary gintleman, +sir--though you're rather ginteely dhressed for one?” + +“No,” said Tom, “I am not.” + +“I thought you wor, sir, by being acquainted with this other gintleman.” + +“An acquaintance of mine!” said Tom, with surprise. + +“Yes, sir. In short it was through him I found out where you wor, sir. +I have had the wret agen you for some time, but couldn't make you off, +till my friend says I must carry a note from him to you.” + +“Where is the note?” inquired Tom. + +“Not ready yet, sir. It's po'thry he's writin'--something 'pithy' +he said, and 'lame' too. I dunna how a thing could be pithy and lame +together, but them potes has hard words at command.” + +“Then you came away without the note?” + +“Yis, sir. As soon as I found out where you wor stopping I ran off +directly on Mr. M'Kail's little business. You'll excuse the liberty, +sir; but we must all mind our professions; though, indeed, sir, if you +b'lieve me, I'd rather nab a rhyme than a gintleman any day; and if I +could get on the press I'd quit the shoulder-tapping profession.” + +Tom cast an eye of wonder on the bailiff, which the latter comprehended +at once; for with habitual nimbleness he could nab a man's thoughts as +fast as his person. “I know what you're thinkin', sir--could one of my +profession pursue the muses? Don't think, sir, I mane I could write the +'laders' or the pollitik'l articles, but the criminal cases, sir--the +robberies and offinces--with the watchhouse cases--together with a +little po'thry now and then. I think I could be useful, sir, and do +better than some of the chaps that pick up their ha'pence that way. But +here's my place, sir--my little bower of repose.” + +He knocked at the door of a small tumble-down house in a filthy lane, +the one window it presented in front being barred with iron. Some bolts +were drawn inside, and though the man who opened the door was forbidding +in his aspect, he did not refuse to let Tom in. The portal was hastily +closed and bolted after they had entered. The smell of the house was +pestilential--the entry dead dark. + +“Give me your hand, sir,” said the bailiff, leading Tom forward. They +ascended some creaking stairs, and the bailiff, fumbling for some time +with a key at a door, unlocked it and shoved it open, and then led in +his captive. Tom saw a shabby-genteel sort of person, whose back was +towards him, directing a letter. + +“Ah, Goggins!” said the writer, “you're come back in the nick of time. I +have finished now, and you may take the letter to Mister Durfy.” + +“You may give it to him yourself, sir,” replied Goggins, “for here he +is.” + +“Indeed!” said the writer, turning round. + +“What!” exclaimed Tom Durfy, in surprise; “James Reddy!” + +“Even so,” said James, with a sentimental air: + + “'The paths of glory lead but to the grave.' + +Literature is a bad trade, my dear Tom!--'tis an ungrateful world--men +of the highest aspirations may lie in gaol for all the world cares; +not that you come within the pale of the worthless ones; this is +good-natured of you to come and see a friend in trouble. You deserve, my +dear Tom, that you should have been uppermost in my thoughts; for here +is a note I have just written to you, enclosing a copy of verses to you +on your marriage--in short, it is an epithalamium.” + +“That's what I told you, sir,” said Goggins to Tom. + +“May the divil burn you and your epithalamium!” said Tom Durfy, stamping +round the little room. + +James Reddy stared in wonder, and Goggins roared, laughing. + +“A pretty compliment you've paid me, Mister Reddy, this fine morning,” + said Tom; “you tell a bailiff where I live, that you may send your +infernal verses to me, and you get me arrested.” + +“Oh, murder!” exclaimed James. “I'm very sorry, my dear Tom; but, at the +same time, 't is a capital incident! How it would work up in a farce!” + +“How funny it is!” said Tom in a rage, eyeing James as if he could have +eaten him. “Bad luck to all poetry and poetasters! By the 'tarnal war, +I wish every poet, from Homer down, was put into a mortar and pounded to +death!” + +James poured forth expressions of sorrow for the mischance; and +extremely ludicrous it was to see one man making apologies for trying +to pay his friend a compliment; his friend swearing at him for his +civility, and the bailiff grinning at them both. + +In this triangular dilemma we will leave them for the present. + + + + +CHAPTER XLVI + + +Edward O'Connor, on hearing from Gustavus of the old dowager's +disappearance from Neck-or-Nothing Hall, joined in the eager inquiries +which were made about her; and _his_ being directed with more method and +judgment than those of others, their result was more satisfactory. He +soon “took up the trail,” to use an Indian phrase, and he and Gusty were +not many hours in posting after the old lady. They arrived in town early +in the morning, and lost no time in casting about for information. + +One of the first places Edward inquired at was the inn where the +postchaise generally drove to from the house where the old dowager had +obtained her carriage in the country; but there no trace was to be had. +Next, the principal hotels were referred to, but as yet without success; +when, as they turned into one of the leading streets in continuance of +their search, their attention was attracted by a crowd swaying to and +fro in that peculiar manner which indicates there is a fight inside +of it. Great excitement prevailed on the verge of the crowd, where +exclamations escaped from those who could get a peep at the fight. + +“The little chap has great heart!” cried one. + +“But the sweep is the biggest,” said another. + +“Well done, _Horish_!” [Footnote: The name of a celebrated sweep in +Ireland, whose name is applied to the whole.] cried a blackguard, who +enjoyed the triumph of his fellow. “Bravo! little fellow,” rejoined +a genteel person, who rejoiced in some successful hit of the other +combatant. There is an inherent love in men to see a fight, which Edward +O'Connor shared with inferior men; and if _he_ had not peeped into the +ring, most assuredly Gusty would. What was their astonishment, when they +got a glimpse of the pugilists, to perceive Ratty was one of them--his +antagonist being a sweep, taller by a head, and no bad hand at the +“noble science.” + +Edward's first impulse was to separate them, but Gusty requested he +would not, saying that he saw by Ratty's eye he was able to “lick the +fellow.” Ratty certainly showed great fight; what the sweep had in +superior size was equalized by the superior “game” of the gentleman-boy, +to whom the indomitable courage of a high-blooded race had descended, +and who would sooner have died than yield. Besides, Ratty was not +deficient in the use of his “bunch of fives,” hit hard for his size, +and was very agile: the sweep sometimes made a rush, grappled, and got +a fall; but he never went in without getting something from Ratty to +“remember him,” and was not always uppermost. At last, both were so far +punished, and the combat not being likely to be speedily ended (for the +sweep was no craven), that the bystanders interfered, declaring that +“they ought to be separated,” and they were. + +While the crowd was dispersing, Edward called a coach; and before Ratty +could comprehend how the affair was managed, he was shoved into it and +driven from the scene of action. Ratty had a confused sense of hearing +loud shouts--of being lifted somewhere--of directions given--the rattle +of iron steps clinking sharply--two or three fierce bangs of a door that +wouldn't shut, and then an awful shaking, which roused him up from the +corner of the vehicle into which he had fallen in the first moment of +exhaustion. Ratty “shook his feathers,” dragged his hair from out of his +eyes, which were getting very black indeed, and applied his handkerchief +to his nose, which was much in need of that delicate attention; and when +the sense of perfect vision was restored to him, which was not for some +time (all the colours of the rainbow dancing before Ratty's eyes for +many seconds after the fight), what was his surprise to see Edward +O'Connor and Gusty sitting on the opposite seat! + +It was some time before Ratty could quite comprehend his present +situation; but as soon as he was made sensible of it, and could answer, +the first questions asked of him were about his grandmother. Ratty +fortunately remembered the name of the hotel where she put up, though +he had left it as soon as the old lady proceeded to the Castle--had lost +his way--and got engaged in a quarrel with a sweep in the meantime. + +The coach was ordered to drive to the hotel named; and how the fight +occurred was the next question. + +“The sweep was passing by, and I called him 'snow-ball,'” said Ratty; +“and the blackguard returned an impudent answer, and I hit him.” + +“You had no right to call him 'snow-ball,'” said Edward. + +“I always called the sweeps 'snow-ball' down at the Hall,” said Ratty, +“and they never answered.” + +“When you are on your own territory you may say what you please to your +dependents, Ratty, and they dare not answer; or to use a vulgar saying, +'A cock may crow on his own dunghill.'” + +“I'm no dunghill cock!” said Ratty, fiercely. + +“Indeed, you're not,” said Edward, laying his hand kindly on the boy's +shoulder; “you have plenty of courage.” + +“I'd have licked him,” said Ratty, “if they'd have let me have two or +three rounds more.” + +“My dear boy, other things are needful in this world besides courage. +Prudence, temper, and forbearance are required; and this may be a lesson +to you, to remember, that, when you get abroad in the world, you are +very little cared about, however great your consequence may be at home; +and I am sure you cannot be proud about your having got into a quarrel +_with a sweep_.” + +Ratty made no answer--his blood began to cool--he became every moment +more sensible that he had received heavy blows. His eyes became more +swollen, he snuffled more in his speech, and his blackened condition +altogether, from gutter, soot, and thrashing, convinced him a fight with +a sweep was _not_ an enviable achievement. + +The coach drew up at the hotel. Edward left Gusty to see about the +dowager, and made an appointment for Gusty to meet him at their own +lodgings in an hour; while he in the interim should call on Dick Dawson, +who was in town on his way to London. + +Edward shook hands with Ratty and bade him kindly good bye. “You're +a stout fellow, Ratty,” said he, “but remember this old saying, +'_Quarrelsome dogs get dirty coats_.'” + +Edward now proceeded to Dick's lodgings, and found him engaged in +reading a note from Tom Durfy, dated from the “Bower of Repose,” and +requesting Dick's aid in his present difficulty. + +“Here's a pretty kettle of fish,” said Dick: “Tom Durfy, who is engaged +to dine with me to-day to take leave of his bachelor life, as he is +going to be married to-morrow, is arrested, and now in _quod_, and wants +me to bail him.” + +“The shortest way is to pay the money at once,” said Edward; “is it +much?” + +“That I don't know; but I have not a great deal about me, and what I +have I want for my journey to London and my expenses there--not but what +I'd help Tom if I could.” + +“He must not be allowed to remain _there_, however we manage to get him +out,” said Edward; “perhaps I can help you in the affair.” + +“You're always a good fellow, Ned,” said Dick, shaking his hand warmly. + +Edward escaped from hearing any praise of himself by proposing they +should repair at once to the sponging-house, and see how matters stood. +Dick lamented he should be called away at such a moment, for he was just +going to get his wine ready for the party--particularly some champagne, +which he was desirous of seeing well iced; but as he could not wait to +do it himself, he called Andy, to give him directions about it, and set +off with Edward to the relief of Tom Durfy. + +Andy was once more in service in the Egan family; for the Squire, on +finding him still more closely linked by his marriage with the desperate +party whose influence over Andy was to be dreaded, took advantage of +Andy's disgust against the woman who had entrapped him, and offered to +take him off to London instead of enlisting; and as Andy believed he +would be there sufficiently out of the way of the false Bridget, he came +off at once to Dublin with Dick, who was the pioneer of the party to +London. + +Dick gave Andy the necessary directions for icing the champagne, which +he set apart and pointed out most particularly to our hero, lest he +should make a mistake and perchance ice the port instead. + +After Edward and Dick had gone, Andy commenced operations according to +orders. He brought a large tub up-stairs containing rough ice, which +excited Andy's wonder, for he never had known till now that ice was +preserved for and applied to such a use, for an ice-house did not happen +to be attached to any establishment in which he had served. + +“Well, this is the quarest thing I ever heerd of,” said Andy. “Musha! +what outlandish inventions the quolity has among them! They're not +contint with wine, but they must have ice along with it--and in a tub, +too!--just like pigs!--throth it's a dirty thrick, I think. Well, here +goes!” said he; and Andy opened a bottle of champagne, and poured it +into the tub with the ice. “How it fizzes!” said Andy, “Faix, it's +almost as lively as the soda-wather that bothered me long ago. Well, I +know more about things now; sure it's wondherful how a man improves with +practice!”--and another bottle of champagne was emptied into the tub +as he spoke. Thus, with several other complacent comments upon his own +proficiency, Andy poured half-a-dozen of champagne into the tub of ice, +and remarked, when he had finished his work, that he thought it would be +“mighty cowld on their stomachs.” + +Dick and Edward all this time were on their way to the relief of Tom +Durfy, who, though he had cooled down from the boiling-pitch to which +the misadventure of the morning had raised him, was still _simmering_, +with his elbows planted on the rickety table in Mr. Goggins' “bower,” + and his chin resting on his clenched hands. It was the very state of +mind in which Tom was most dangerous. + +At the other side of the table sat James Reddy, intently employed in +writing; his pursed mouth and knitted brows bespoke a labouring state +of thought, and the various crossings, interlinings, and blottings gave +additional evidence of the same, while now and then a rush at a line +which was knocked off in a hurry, with slashing dashes of the pen, +and fierce after-crossings of _t's_, and determined dottings of _i's_, +declared some thought suddenly seized, and executed with bitter triumph. + +“You seem very _happy in yourself_ in what you are writing,” said Tom. +“What is it? Is it another epithalamium?” + +“It is a caustic article against the successful men of the day,” said +Reddy; “they have no merit, sir--none. 'T is nothing but luck has placed +them where they are, and they ought to be exposed.” He then threw down +his pen as he spoke, and, after a silence of some minutes, suddenly put +this question to Tom: + +“What do you think of the world?” + +“'Faith, I think it so pleasant a place,” said Tom, “that I'm +confoundedly vexed at being kept out of it by being locked up here; +and that cursed bailiff is so provokingly free-and-easy--coming in here +every ten minutes, and making himself at home.” + +“Why, as for that matter, it is his home, you must remember.” + +“But while a gentleman is here for a period,” said Tom, “this room ought +to be considered his, and that fellow has no business here--and then his +bows and scrapes, and talking about the feelings of a gentleman, and all +that--'t is enough to make a dog beat his father. Curse him! I'd like to +choke him.” + +“Oh! that's merely his manner,” said James. + +“Want of manners, you mean,” said Tom. “Hang me, if he comes up to me +with his rascally familiarity again, but I'll kick him down stairs.” + +“My dear fellow, you are excited,” said Reddy; “don't let these +sublunary trifles ruffle your temper--you see how I bear it; and to +recall you to yourself, I will remind you of the question we started +from, 'What do you think of the world?' There's a general question--a +broad question, upon which one may talk with temper and soar above +the petty grievances of life in the grand consideration of so ample a +subject. You see me here, a prisoner like yourself, but I can talk of +_the world_. Come, be a calm philosopher, like me! Answer, what do you +think of the world?” + +“I've told you already,” said Tom; “it's a capital place, only for the +bailiffs.” + +“I can't agree with you,” said James. “I think it one vast pool of +stagnant wretchedness, where the _malaria_ of injustice holds her scales +suspended, to poison rising talent by giving an undue weight to existing +prejudices.” + +To this lucid and good-tempered piece of philosophy, Tom could only +answer, “You know I am no poet, and I cannot argue with you but, 'pon my +soul, I _have_ known, and _do_ know, some uncommon good fellows in the +world.” + +“You're wrong, you're wrong, my unsuspecting friend. 'T is a bad world, +and no place for susceptible minds. Jealousy pursues talent like its +shadow--superiority alone wins for you the hatred of inferior men. For +instance, why am _I_ here? The editor of _my_ paper will not allow _my_ +articles always to appear;--prevents their insertion, lest the effect +they would make would cause inquiry, and tend to _my_ distinction; and +the consequence is, that the paper _I_ came to _uphold_ in Dublin +is deprived of _my_ articles, and _I_ don't get paid; while _I_ see +_inferior_ men, without asking for it, loaded with favour; _they_ are +abroad in affluence, and _I_ in captivity and poverty. But one comfort +is, even in disgrace I can write, and they shall get a slashing.” + +Thus spoke the calm philosopher, who gave Tom a lecture on patience. + +Tom was no great conjuror; but at that moment, like Audrey, “he thanked +the gods he was not poetical.” If there be any one thing more than +another to make an “every-day man” content with his average lot, it is +the exhibition of ambitious inferiority, striving for distinction it can +never attain; just given sufficient perception to desire the glory of +success, without power to measure the strength that can achieve it; like +some poor fly, which beats its head against a pane of glass, seeing the +sunshine beyond, but incapable of perceiving the subtle medium which +intervenes--too delicate for its limited sense to comprehend, but too +strong for its limited power to pass. But though Tom felt satisfaction +at that moment, he had too good feeling to wound the self-love of the +vain creature before him; so, instead of speaking what he thought, viz., +“What business have you to attempt literature, you conceited fool?” he +tried to wean him civilly from his folly by saying, “Then come back to +the country, James; if you find jealous rivals _here_, you know you were +always admired _there_.” + +“No, sir,” said James; “even there my merit was unacknowledged.” + +“No! no!” said Tom. + +“Well, underrated, at least. Even there, _that_ Edward O'Connor, somehow +or other, I never could tell why--I never saw his great talents--but +somehow or other, people got it into their heads that he was clever.” + +“I tell you what it is,” said Tom, earnestly, “Ned-of-the-Hill has +got into a better place than people's _heads_--he has got into their +_hearts_!” + +“There it is!” exclaimed James, indignantly. “You have caught up the +cuckoo-cry--the heart! Why, sir, what merit is there in writing about +feelings which any common labourer can comprehend? There's no poetry in +that; true poetry lies in a higher sphere, where you have difficulty +in following the flight of the poet, and possibly may not be fortunate +enough to understand him--that's poetry, sir.” + +“I told you I am no poet,” said Tom; “but all I know is, I have felt +my heart warm to some of Edward's songs, and, by jingo, I have seen the +women's eyes glisten, and their cheeks flush or grow pale, as they have +heard them--and that's poetry enough for me.” + +“Well, let Mister O'Connor enjoy his popularity, sir, if popularity it +may be called, in a small country circle--let him enjoy it--I don't envy +him _his_, though I think he was rather jealous about mine.” + +“Ned jealous!” exclaimed Tom, in surprise. + +“Yes, jealous; I never heard him say a kind word of any verses I ever +wrote in my life; and I am certain he has most unkind feelings towards +me.” + +“I tell you what it is,” said Tom, “getting up” a bit; “I told you I +don't understand poetry, but I _do_ understand what's an infinitely +better thing, and that's fine, generous, manly feeling; and if there's +a human being in the world incapable of wronging another in his mind or +heart, or readier to help his fellow-man, it is Edward O'Connor: so say +no more, James, if you please.” + +Tom had scarcely uttered the last word, when the key was turned in the +door. + +“Here's that infernal bailiff again!” said Tom, whose irritability, +increased by Reddy's paltry egotism and injustice, was at its +boiling-pitch once more. He planted himself firmly in his chair, and +putting on his fiercest frown, was determined to confront Mister Goggins +with an aspect that should astonish him. + +The door opened, and Mister Goggins made his appearance, presenting to +the gentlemen in the room the hinder portion of his person, which made +several indications of courtesy performed by the other half of his body, +while he uttered the words, “Don't be astonished, gentlemen; you'll be +used to it by-and-by.” And with these words he kept backing towards Tom, +making these nether demonstrations of civility, till Tom could plainly +see the seams in the back of Mr. Goggins's pantaloons. + +Tom thought this was some new touch of the “free-and-easy” on Mister +Goggins's part, and, losing all command of himself, he jumped from +his chair, and with a vigorous kick gave Mister Goggins such a lively +impression of his desire that he should leave the room, that Mister +Goggins went head foremost down the stairs, pitching his whole weight +upon Dick Dawson and Edward O'Connor, who were ascending the dark +stairs, and to whom all his bows had been addressed. Overwhelmed with +astonishment and twelve stone of bailiff, they were thrown back into the +hall, and an immense uproar in the passage ensued. + +Edward and Dick were near coming in for some hard usage from Goggins, +conceiving it might be a preconcerted attempt on the part of his +prisoners and their newly arrived friends to achieve a rescue; and +while he was rolling about on the ground, he roared to his evil-visaged +janitor to look to the door first, and keep him from being “murthered” + after. + +Fortunately no evil consequences ensued, until matters could be +explained in the hall, and Edward and Dick were introduced to the upper +room, from which Goggins had been so suddenly ejected. + +There the bailiff demanded in a very angry tone the cause of +Tom's conduct; and when it was found to be _only_ a mutual +misunderstanding--that Goggins wouldn't take a liberty with a gentleman +“in defficulties” for the world, and that Tom wouldn't hurt a fly, “only +under a mistake”--matters were cleared up to the satisfaction of all +parties, and the real business of the meeting commenced:--that was to +pay Tom's debt out of hand; and when the bailiff saw all demands, fees +included, cleared off, the clouds from his brow cleared off also, he +was the most amiable of sheriff's officers, and all his sentimentality +returned. + +Edward did not seem quite to sympathise with his amiability, so Goggins +returned to the charge, while Tom and Dick were exchanging a few words +with James Reddy. + +“You see, sir,” said Goggins, “in the first place, it is quite beautiful +to see the mind in adversity bearing up against the little antediluvian +afflictions that will happen occasionally, and then how fine it is +to remark the spark of generosity that kindles in the noble heart and +rushes to the assistance of the destitute! I do assure you, sir, it is +a most beautiful sight to see the gentlemen in defficulties waitin' here +for their friends to come to their relief, like the last scene in Blue +Beard, where sister Ann waves her han'kerchief from the tower--the +tyrant is slain--and virtue rewarded! + +“Ah, sir!” said he to Edward O'Connor, whose look of disgust at the +wretched den caught the bailiff's attention, “don't entertain an +antifassy from first imprissions, which is often desaivin'. I do pledge +you my honour, sir, there is no place in the 'varsal world where +human nature is visible in more attractive colours than in this humble +retrait.” + +Edward could not conceal a smile at the fellow's absurdity, though his +sense of the ridiculous could not overcome the disgust with which the +place inspired him. He gave an admonitory touch to the elbow of Dick +Dawson, who, with his friend Tom Durfy, followed Edward from the +room, the bailiff bringing up the rear, and relocking the door on the +unfortunate James Reddy, who was left “alone in his glory,” to finish +his slashing article against the successful men of the day. Nothing more +than words of recognition had passed between Reddy and Edward. In +the first place, Edward's appearance at the very moment the other was +indulging in illiberal observations upon him rendered the ill-tempered +poetaster dumb; and Edward attributed this distance of manner to a +feeling of shyness which Reddy might entertain at being seen in such a +place, and therefore had too much good breeding to thrust his civility +on a man who seemed to shrink from it; but when he left the house he +expressed his regret to his companions at the poor fellow's unfortunate +situation. + +It touched Tom Durfy's heart to hear these expressions of compassion +coming from the lips of the man he had heard maligned a few minutes +before by the very person commiserated, and it raised his opinion higher +of Edward, whose hand he now shook with warm expressions of thankfulness +on his own account, for the prompt service rendered to him. Edward +made as light of his own kindness as he could, and begged Tom to think +nothing of such a trifle. + +“One word I will say to you, Durfy, and I'm sure you'll pardon me for +it.” + +“Could you say a thing to offend me?” was the answer. + +“You are to be married soon, I understand?” + +“To-morrow,” said Tom. + +“Well, my dear Durfy, if you owe any more money, take a real friend's +advice, and tell your pretty good-hearted widow the whole amount of your +debts before you marry her.” + +“My dear O'Connor,” said Tom, “the money you've lent me now is all I owe +in the world; 't was a tailor's bill, and I quite forgot it. You know, +no one ever thinks of a tailor's bill. Debts, indeed!” added Tom, with +surprise; “my dear fellow, I never could be much in debt, for the devil +a one would trust me.” + +“An excellent reason for your unencumbered state,” said Edward, “and I +hope you pardon me.” + +“Pardon!” exclaimed Tom, “I esteem you for your kind and manly +frankness.” + +In the course of their progress towards Dick's lodgings, Edward reverted +to James Reddy's wretched condition, and found it was but some petty +debt for which he was arrested. He lamented, in common with Dick and +Tom, the infatuation which made him desert a duty he could profitably +perform by assisting his father in his farming concerns, to pursue a +literary path, which could never be any other to him than one of thorns. + +As Edward had engaged to meet Gusty in an hour, he parted from his +companions and pursued his course alone. But, instead of proceeding +immediately homeward, he retraced his steps to the den of the bailiff +and gave a quiet tap at the door. Mister Goggins himself answered to the +knock, and began a loud and florid welcome to Edward, who stopped his +career of eloquence by laying a finger on his lip in token of silence. +A few words sufficed to explain the motive of his visit. He wished to +ascertain the sum for which the gentleman up-stairs was detained. The +bailiff informed him; and the money necessary to procure the captive's +liberty was placed in his hand. + +The bailiff cast one of his melodramatic glances at Edward, and said, +“Didn't I tell you, sir, this was the place for calling out the noblest +feelings of human nature?” + +“Can you oblige me with writing materials?” said Edward. + +“I can, sir,” said Goggins, proudly, “and with other _materials_ too, +if you like--and 'pon my honour, I'll be proud to drink your health, for +you're a raal gintleman.” [Footnote: The name given in Ireland to the +necessary materials for the compounding of whisky-punch.] + +Edward, in the civilest manner, declined the offer, and wrote, or +rather tried to write, the following note, with a pen like a skewer, ink +something thicker than mud, and on whity-brown paper:-- + +“DEAR SIR,--I hope you will pardon the liberty I have taken in your +temporary want of money. You can repay me at your convenience. Yours, + +“E. O'C.” + +Edward left the den, and so did James Reddy soon after--a better man. +Though weak, his heart was not shut to the humanities of life--and +Edward's kindness, in opening his eyes to the wrong he had done _one_ +man, induced in his heart a kinder feeling towards all. He tore up his +slashing article against successful men. Would that every disappointed +man would do the same. + +The bailiff was right: even so low a den as his becomes ennobled by the +presence of active benevolence and prejudice reclaimed. + + + + +CHAPTER XLVII + + +Edward, on returning to his hotel, found Gusty there before him, in +great delight at having seen a “splendid” horse, as he said, which had +been brought for Edward's inspection, he having written a note on his +arrival in town to a dealer stating his want of a first-rate hunter. + +“He's in the stable now,” said Gusty; “for I desired the man to wait, +knowing you would be here soon.” + +“I cannot see him now, Gusty,” said Edward: “will you have the kindness +to tell the groom I can look at the horse in his own stables when I wish +to purchase?” + +Gusty departed to do the message, somewhat in wonder, for Edward loved +a fine horse. But the truth was, Edward's disposable money, which he had +intended for the purchase of a hunter, had a serious inroad made upon +it by the debts he had discharged for other men, and he was forced +to forego the pleasure he had proposed to himself in the next hunting +season; and he did not like to consume any one's time, or raise false +expectations, by affecting to look at disposable property with the eye +of a purchaser, when he knew it was beyond his reach; and the flimsy +common-places of “I'll think of it,” or “If I don't see something +better,” or any other of the twenty hackneyed excuses which idle people +make, after consuming busy men's time, Edward held to be unworthy. He +could ride a hack and deny himself hunting for a whole season, but +he would not unnecessarily consume the useful time of any man for ten +minutes. + +This may be sneered at by the idle and thoughtless; nevertheless, it is +a part of the minor morality which is ever present in the conduct of a +true gentleman. + +Edward had promised to join Dick's dinner-party on an impromptu +invitation, and the clock striking the appointed hour warned Edward it +was time to be off; so, jumping up on a jaunting car, he rattled off to +Dick's lodgings, where a jolly party was assembled ripe for fun. + +Amongst the guests was a rather remarkable man, a Colonel Crammer, who +had seen a monstrous deal of service--one of Tom Durfy's friends whom he +had asked leave to bring with him to dinner. Of course, Dick's card +and a note of invitation for the gallant colonel were immediately +despatched; and he had but just arrived before Edward, who found a +bustling sensation in the room as the colonel was presented to those +already assembled, and Tom Durfy giving whispers, aside, to each +person touching his friend; such as--“Very remarkable man”--“Seen great +service”--“A little odd or so”--“A fund of most extraordinary anecdote,” + &c., &c. + +Now this Colonel Crammer was no other than Tom Loftus, whose +acquaintance Dick wished to make, and who had been invited to the dinner +after a preliminary visit; but Tom sent an excuse in his own name, and +preferred being present under a fictitious one--this being one of the +odd ways in which his humour broke out, desirous of giving people a +“touch of his quality” before they knew him. He was in the habit of +assuming various characters; a methodist missionary--the patentee +of some unheard-of invention--the director of some new joint-stock +company--in short, anything which would give him an opportunity of +telling tremendous bouncers was equally good for Tom. His reason for +assuming a military guise on this occasion was to bother Moriarty, whom +he knew he should meet, and held a special reason for tormenting; and +he knew he could achieve this, by throwing all the stories Moriarty was +fond of telling about his own service into the shade, by extravagant +inventions of “hair-breadth 'scapes” and feats by “flood and +field.” Indeed, the dinner would not be worth mentioning but for the +extraordinary capers Tom cut on the occasion, and the unheard-of lies he +squandered. + +Dinner was announced by Andy, and with good appetite soup and fish were +soon despatched; sherry followed as a matter of necessity. The second +course appeared, and was not long under discussion when Dick called for +the “champagne.” + +Andy began to drag the tub towards the table, and Dick, impatient of +delay, again called “champagne.” + +“I'm bringin' it to you, sir,” said Andy, tugging at the tub. + +“Hand it round the table,” said Dick. + +Andy tried to lift the tub, “to hand it round the table;” but, finding +he could not manage it, he whispered to Dick, “I can't get it up, sir.” + +Dick, fancying Andy meant he had got a flask not in a sufficient state +of effervescence to expel its own cork, whispered in return, “Draw it, +then.” + +“I was dhrawin' it to you, sir, when you stopped me.” + +“Well, make haste with it,” said Dick. + +“Mister Dawson, I'll trouble you for a small slice of the turkey,” said +the colonel. + +“With pleasure, colonel; but first do me the honour to take champagne. +Andy--champagne!” + +“Here it is, sir!” said Andy, who had drawn the tub close to Dick's +chair. + +“Where's the wine, sir?” said Dick, looking first at the tub and then at +Andy. “There, sir,” said Andy, pointing down to the ice. “I put the wine +into it, as you towld me.” + +Dick looked again at the tub, and said, “There is not a single bottle +there--what do you mean, you stupid rascal?” + +“To be sure, there's no bottle there, sir. The bottles is all on the +sideboord, but every dhrop o' the wine is in the ice, as you towld me, +sir; if you put your hand down into it, you'll feel it, sir.” + +The conversation between master and man growing louder as it proceeded +attracted the attention of the whole company, and those near the head +of the table became acquainted as soon as Dick with the mistake Andy had +made, and could not resist laughter; and as the cause of their merriment +was told from man to man, and passed round the board, a roar of laughter +uprose, not a little increased by Dick's look of vexation, which at +length was forced to yield to the infectious merriment around him, and +he laughed with the rest, and making a joke of the disappointment, which +is the very best way of passing one off, he said that he had the honour +of originating at his table a magnificent scale of hospitality; for +though he had heard of company being entertained with a whole hogshead +of claret, he was not aware of champagne being ever served in a tub +before. The company were too determined to be merry to have their +pleasantry put out of tune by so trifling a mishap, and it was generally +voted that the joke was worth twice as much as the wine. Nevertheless, +Dick could not help casting a reproachful look now and then at Andy, +who had to run the gauntlet of many a joke cut at his expense, while +he waited upon the wags at dinner, and caught a lowly muttered anathema +whenever he passed near Dick's chair. In short, master and man were +both glad when the cloth was drawn, and the party could be left to +themselves. + +Then, as a matter of course, Dick called on the gentlemen to charge +their glasses and fill high to a toast he had to propose--they would +anticipate to whom he referred--a gentleman who was going to change his +state of freedom for one of a happier bondage, &c., &c. Dick dashed off +his speech with several mirth-moving allusions to the change that was +coming over his friend Tom, and, having festooned his composition +with the proper quantity of “rosy wreaths,” &c., &c., &c., naturally +belonging to such speeches, he wound up with some hearty words--free +from _badinage_, and meaning all they conveyed, and finished with the +rhyming benediction of a “long life and a good wife” to him. + +Tom having returned thanks in the same laughing style that Dick proposed +his health, and bade farewell to the lighter follies of bachelorship for +the more serious ones of wedlock, the road was now open for any one +who was vocally inclined. Dick asked one or two, who said they were not +within a bottle of their singing-point yet, but Tom Durfy was sure his +friend the colonel would favour them. + +“With pleasure,” said the colonel; “and I'll sing something appropriate +to the blissful situation of philandering in which you have been +indulging of late, my friend. I wish I could give you any idea of the +song as I heard it warbled by the voice of an Indian princess, who +was attached to me once, and for whom I ran enormous risks--but no +matter--that's past and gone, but the soft tones of Zulima's voice will +ever haunt my heart! The song is a favourite where I heard it--on the +borders of Cashmere, and is supposed to be sung by a fond woman in the +valley of the nightingales--'tis so in the original, but as we have +no nightingales in Ireland, I have substituted the dove in the little +translation I have made, which, if you will allow me, I'll attempt.” + +Loud cries of “Hear, hear!” and tapping of applauding hands on the table +followed, while the colonel gave a few preliminary hems; and after some +little pilot tones from his throat, to show the way, his voice ascended +in all the glory of song. + +THE DOVE-SONG + +I + + “_Coo! Coo! Coo! Coo!_ + Thus did I hear the turtle-dove, + _Coo! Coo! Coo!_ + Murmuring forth her love; + And as she flew from tree to tree, + How melting seemed the notes to me-- + _Coo! Coo! Coo!_ + So like the voice of lovers, + 'T was passing sweet to hear + The birds within the covers, + In the spring-time of the year. + +II + + “_Coo! Coo! Coo! Coo!_ + Thus the song's returned again-- + _Coo! Coo! Coo!_ + Through the shady glen; + But there I wandered lone and sad, + While every bird around was glad. + _Coo! Coo! Coo!_ + Thus so fondly murmured they, + _Coo! Coo! Coo!_ + While _my_ love was away. + And yet the song to lovers, + Though sad, is sweet to hear, + From birds within the covers, + In the spring-time of the year.” + +The colonel's song, given with Tom Loftus' good voice, was received +with great applause, and the fellows all voted it catching, and began +“cooing” round the table like a parcel of pigeons. + +“A translation from an eastern poet, you say?” + +“Yes,” said Tom. + +“'T is not very eastern in its character,” said Moriarty. “I mean a +_free_ translation, of course,” added the mock colonel. + +“Would you favour us with the song again, in the original?” added +Moriarty. + +Tom Loftus did not know one syllable of any other language than his own, +and it would not have been convenient to talk gibberish to Moriarty, who +had a smattering of some of the eastern tongues; so he declined giving +his Cashmerian song in its native purity, because, as he said, he never +could manage to speak their dialect, though he understood it reasonably +well. + +“But _there's_ a gentleman, I am sure, will sing some other song--and a +better one, I have no doubt,” said Tom, with a very humble prostration +of his head on the table, and anxious by a fresh song to get out of the +dilemma in which Moriarty's question was near placing him. + +“Not a better, colonel,” said the gentleman who was addressed, “but I +cannot refuse your call, and I will do my best; hand me the port wine, +pray; I always take a glass of port before I sing--I think 't is good +for the throat--what do you say, colonel?” + +“When I want to sing particularly well,” said Tom, “I drink _canary_.” + +The gentleman smiled at the whimsical answer, tossed off his glass of +port, and began. + +LADY MINE + + “Lady mine! lady mine! + Take the rosy wreath I twine, + All its sweets are less than thine, + Lady, lady mine! + The blush that on thy cheek is found + Bloometh fresh the _whole_ year round; + _Thy_ sweet _breath_ as sweet gives _sound_, + Lady, lady mine! + +II + + “Lady mine! lady mine! + How I love the graceful vine, + Whose tendrils mock thy ringlets' twine, + Lady, lady mine! + How I love that generous tree, + Whose ripe clusters promise me + Bumpers bright,--to pledge to _thee_, + Lady, lady mine! + +III + + “Lady mine! lady mine! + Like the stars that nightly shine, + Thy sweet eyes shed light divine, + Lady, lady mine! + And as sages wise, of old, + From the stars could fate unfold, + Thy bright eyes _my_ fortune told, + Lady, lady mine!” + +The song was just in the style to catch gentlemen after dinner--the +second verse particularly, and many a glass was emptied of a “bumper +bright,” and pledged to the particular “_thee_,” which each individual +had selected for his devotion. Edward, at that moment, certainly thought +of Fanny Dawson. + +Let teetotallers say what they please, there is a genial influence +inspired by wine and song--not in excess, but in that wholesome degree +which stirs the blood and warms the fancy; and as one raises the glass +to the lip, over which some sweet name is just breathed from the depth +of the heart, what libation so fit to pour to absent friends as wine? +What _is_ wine? It is the grape present in another form; its essence is +there, though the fruit which produced it grew thousands of miles away, +and perished years ago. So the object of many a tender thought may +be spiritually present, in defiance of space--and fond recollections +cherished in defiance of time. + +As the party became more convivial, the mirth began to assume a broader +form. Tom Durfy drew out Moriarty on the subject of his services, that +the mock colonel might throw every new achievement into the shade; +and this he did in the most barefaced manner, but mixing so much of +probability with his audacious fiction, that those who were not up to +the joke only supposed him to be _a very great romancer_; while those +friends who were in Loftus' confidence exhibited a most capacious +stomach for the marvellous, and backed up his lies with a ready +credence. If Moriarty told some fearful incident of a tiger hunt, the +colonel capped it with something more wonderful, of slaughtering lions +in a wholesale way, like rabbits. When Moriarty expatiated on the +intensity of tropical heat, the colonel would upset him with something +more appalling. + +“Now, sir,” said Loftus, “let me ask you what is the greatest amount of +heat you have ever experienced--I say _experienced_, not _heard_ of--for +that goes for nothing. I always speak from experience.” + +“Well, sir,” said Moriarty, “I have known it to be so hot in India, that +I have had a hole dug in the ground under my tent, and sat in it, +and put a table standing over the hole, to try and guard me from the +intolerable fervour of the eastern sun, and even _then_ I was hot. What +do you say to that, colonel?” asked Moriarty, triumphantly. + +“Have you ever been in the West Indies?” inquired Loftus. + +“Never,” said Moriarty, who, once entrapped into this admission, +was directly at the colonel's mercy,--and the colonel launched out +fearlessly. + +“Then, my good sir, you know nothing of heat. I have seen in the West +Indies an umbrella burned over a man's head.” + +“Wonderful!” cried Loftus' backers. + +“'T is strange, sir,” said Moriarty, “that we have never seen that +mentioned by any writer.” + +“Easily accounted for, sir,” said Loftus. “'T is so common a +circumstance, that it ceases to be worthy of observation. An author +writing of this country might as well remark that the apple-women are to +be seen sitting at the corners of the streets. That's nothing, sir; +but there are two things of which I have personal knowledge, _rather_ +remarkable. One day of intense heat (even for that climate) I was on +a visit at the plantation of a friend of mine, and it was so +out-o'-the-way scorching, that our lips were like cinders, and we +were obliged to have black slaves pouring sangaree down our throats by +gallons--I don't hesitate to say gallons--and we thought we could +not have survived through the day; but what could _we_ think of _our_ +sufferings, when we heard that several negroes, who had gone to sleep +under the shade of some cocoa-nut trees, had been scalded to death?” + +“Scalded?” said his friends; “burnt, you mean.” + +“No, scalded; and _how_ do you think? The intensity of the heat had +cracked the cocoa-nuts, and the boiling milk inside dropped down and +produced the fatal result. The same day a remarkable accident occurred +at the battery; the French were hovering round the island at the time, +and the governor, being a timid man, ordered the guns to be always kept +loaded.” + +“I never heard of such a thing in a battery in my life, sir,” said +Moriarty. + +“Nor I either,” said Loftus, “till then.” + +“What was the governor's name, sir?” inquired Moriarty, pursuing his +train of doubt. + +“You must excuse me, captain, from naming him,” said Loftus, with +readiness, “after _incautiously_ saying he was _timid_.” + +“Hear, hear!” said all the friends. + +“But to pursue my story, sir:--the guns were loaded, and with the +intensity of the heat went off, one after another, and quite riddled one +of his Majesty's frigates that was lying in the harbour.” + +“That's one of the most difficult riddles to comprehend I ever heard,” + said Moriarty. + +“The frigate answered the riddle with her guns, sir, I promise you.” + +“What!” exclaimed Moriarty, “fire on the fort of her own king?” + +“There is an honest principle exists among sailors, sir, to return fire +under all circumstances, wherever it comes from, friend or foe. Fire, of +which they know the value so well, they won't take from anybody.” + +“And what was the consequence?” said Moriarty. + +“Sir, it was the most harmless broadside ever delivered from the ports +of a British frigate; not a single house or human being was injured--the +day was so hot that every sentinel had sunk on the ground in utter +exhaustion--the whole population were asleep; the only loss of +life which occurred was that of a blue macaw, which belonged to the +commandant's daughter.” + +“Where was the macaw, may I beg to know?” said Moriarty, +cross-questioning the colonel in the spirit of a counsel for the defence +on a capital indictment. + +“In the drawing-room window, sir.” + +“Then surely the ball must have done some damage in the house?” + +“Not the least, sir,” said Loftus, sipping his wine. + +“Surely, colonel!” returned Moriarty, warming, “the ball could not have +killed the macaw without injuring the house?” + +“My dear sir,” said Tom, “I did not say the _ball_ killed the macaw, I +said the macaw was killed; but _that_ was in consequence of a splinter +from an _epaulement_ of the south-east angle of the fort which the +shot struck and glanced off harmlessly--except for the casualty of the +macaw.” + +Moriarty returned a kind of grunt, which implied that, though he could +not further _question_, he did not _believe_. Under such circumstances, +taking snuff is a great relief to a man; and, as it happened, Moriarty, +in taking snuff, could gratify his nose and his vanity at the same time, +for he sported a silver-gilt snuff-box which was presented to him in +some extraordinary way, and bore a grand inscription. + +On this “piece of plate” being produced, of course it went round the +table, and Moriarty could scarcely conceal the satisfaction he felt as +each person read the engraven testimonial of his worth. When it had gone +the circuit of the board, Tom Loftus put his hand into his pocket and +pulled out the butt-end of a rifle, which is always furnished with a +small box, cut out of the solid part of the wood and covered with a +plate of brass acting on a hinge. This box, intended to carry small +implements for the use of the rifleman, to keep his piece in order, was +filled with snuff, and Tom said, as he laid it down on the table, “This +is _my_ snuff-box, gentlemen; not as handsome as my gallant friend's at +the opposite side of the table, but extremely interesting to me. It was +previous to one of our dashing affairs in Spain that our riflemen were +thrown out in front and on the flanks. The rifles were supported by the +light companies of the regiments in advance, and it was in the latter +duty I was engaged. We had to feel our way through a wood, and had +cleared it of the enemy, when, as we debouched from the wood on the +opposite side, we were charged by an overwhelming force of Polish +lancers and cuirassiers. Retreat was impossible--resistance almost +hopeless. 'My lads,' said I, 'we must do something _novel_ here, or we +are lost--startle them by fresh practice--the bayonet will no longer +avail you--club your muskets, and hit the horses over the noses, and +they'll smell danger.' They took my advice; of course we first delivered +a withering volley, and then to it we went in flail-fashion, thrashing +away with the butt-ends of our muskets; and sure enough the French were +astonished and driven back in amazement. So tremendous, sir, was the +hitting on our side, that in many instances the butt-ends of the muskets +snapped off like tobacco-pipes, and the field was quite strewn with them +after the affair: I picked one of them up as a little memento of the +day, and have used it ever since as a snuff-box.” + +Every one was amused by the outrageous romancing of the colonel but +Moriarty, who looked rather disgusted, because he could not edge in a +word of his own at all; he gave up the thing now in despair, for the +colonel had it all his own way, like the bull in a china-shop; the more +startling the bouncers he told, the more successful were his anecdotes, +and he kept pouring them out with the most astounding rapidity; and +though all voted him the greatest liar they ever met, none suspected he +was not a military man. + +Dick wanted Edward O'Connor, who sat beside him, to sing; but Edward +whispered, “For Heaven's sake don't stop the flow of the lava from that +mighty eruption of lies!--he's a perfect Vesuvius of mendacity. You'll +never meet his like again, so make the most of him while you have him. +Pray, sir,” said Edward to the colonel, “have you ever been in any of +the cold climates? I am induced to ask you, from the very wonderful +anecdotes you have told of the hot ones.” + +“Bless you, sir, I know every corner about the north pole.” + +“In which of the expeditions, may I ask, were you engaged?” inquired +Moriarty. + +“In none of them, sir. We knocked up a _little amateur party_, I and a +few curious friends, and certainly we witnessed wonders. You talk here +of a sharp wind; but the wind is so sharp there that it cut off our +beard and whiskers. Boreas is a great barber, sir, with his north pole +for a sign. Then as for frost!--I could tell you such incredible things +of its intensity; our butter, for instance, was as hard as a rock; we +were obliged to knock it off with a chisel and hammer, like a mason at +a piece of granite, and it was necessary to be careful of your eyes at +breakfast, the splinters used to fly about so; indeed, one of the party +_did_ lose the use of his eye from a butter-splinter. But the oddest +thing of all was to watch two men talking to each other: you could +observe the words, as they came out of their mouths, suddenly frozen and +dropping down in little pellets of ice at their feet, so that, after a +long conversation, you might see a man standing up to his knees in his +own eloquence.” + +They all roared with laughter at this last touch of the marvellous, but +Loftus preserved his gravity. + +“I don't wonder, gentlemen, at your not receiving that as truth--I told +you it was incredible--in short, that is the reason I have resisted +all temptations to publish. Murray, Longmans, Colburn, Bentley, ALL +the publishers have offered me unlimited terms, but I have always +refused--not that I am a rich man, which makes the temptation of the +thousands I might realise the harder to withstand; 't is not that the +gold is not precious to me, but there is something dearer to me +than gold--_it is my character for veracity!_ and therefore, as I am +convinced the public would not believe the wonders I have witnessed, +I confine the recital of my adventures to the social circle. But +what profession affords such scope for varied incident as that of the +soldier? Change of clime, danger, vicissitude, love, war, privation one +day, profusion the next, darkling dangers, and sparkling joys! Zounds! +there's nothing like the life of a soldier! and, by the powers! I'll +give you a song in its praise.” + +The proposition was received with cheers, and Tom rattled away these +ringing rhymes-- + +THE BOWLD SOJER BOY + + “Oh there's not a trade that's going + Worth showing, + Or knowing, + Like that from glory growing, + For a bowld sojer boy; + Where right or left we go, + Sure you know, + Friend or foe + Will have the hand or toe + From a bowld sojer boy! + There's not a town we march thro', + But the ladies, looking arch thro' + The window-panes, will search thro' + The ranks to find their joy; + While up the street, + Each girl you meet, + Will look so sly, + Will cry + 'My eye! + Oh, isn't he a darling, the bowld sojer boy!' + +II + + “But when we get the route, + How they pout + And they shout + While to the right about + Goes the bowld sojer boy. + Oh, 'tis then that ladies fair + In despair + Tear their hair, + But 'the divil-a-one I care,' + Says the bowld sojer boy. + For the world is all before us, + Where the landladies adore us, + And ne'er refuse to score us, + But chalk us up with joy; + We taste her tap, + We tear her cap'-- + 'Oh, that's the chap + For me!' + Says she; + 'Oh, isn't he a darling, the bowld sojer boy.' + +III + + “'Then come along with me, + Gramachree, + And you'll see + How happy you will be + With your bowld sojer boy; + 'Faith! if you're up to fun, + With me run; + 'T will be done + In the snapping of a gun,' + Says the bowld sojer boy; + 'And 't is then that, without scandal, + Myself will proudly dandle + The little farthing candle + Of our mutual flame, my joy! + May his light shine + As bright as mine, + Till in the line + He'll blaze, + And raise + The glory of his corps, like a bowld sojer boy!'” + +Andy entered the room while the song was in progress, and handed a +letter to Dick, which, after the song was over, and he had asked pardon +of his guests, he opened. + +“By Jove! you sing right well, colonel,” said one of the party. + +“I think the gallant colonel's songs nothing in comparison with his +_wonderful_ stories,” said Moriarty. + +“Gentlemen,” said Dick, “wonderful as the colonel's recitals have been, +this letter conveys a piece of information more surprising than anything +we have heard this day. That stupid fellow who spoiled our champagne has +come in for the inheritance of a large property.” + +“What!--Handy Andy?” exclaimed those who knew his name. + +“Handy Andy,” said Dick, “is now a man of fortune!” + + + + +CHAPTER XLVIII + + +It was a note from Squire Egan which conveyed the news to Dick that +caused so much surprise; the details of the case were not even hinted +at; the bare fact alone was mentioned, with a caution to preserve +it still a secret from Andy, and appointing an hour for dinner at +“Morrison's” next day, at which hotel the Squire expected to arrive from +the country, with his lady and Fanny Dawson, _en route_ for London. Till +dinner-time, then, the day following, Dick was obliged to lay by his +impatience as to the “why and wherefore” of Andy's sudden advancement; +but, as the morning was to be occupied with Tom Durfy's wedding, Dick +had enough to keep him engaged in the meantime. + +At the appointed hour a few of Tom's particular friends were in +attendance to witness the ceremony, or, to use their own phrase, “to see +him turned off,” and among them was Tom Loftus. Dick was holding out his +hand to “the colonel,” when Tom Durfy stepped between, and introduced +him under his real name. The masquerading trick of the night before was +laughed at, with an assurance from Dick that it only fulfilled all he +had ever heard of the Protean powers of a gentleman whom he so much +wished to know. A few minutes' conversation in the recess of a window +put Tom Loftus and Dick the Devil on perfectly good terms, and Loftus +proposed to Dick that they should execute the old-established trick on a +bridegroom, of snatching the first kiss from the bride. + +“You must get in Tom's way,” said Loftus, “and I'll kiss her.” + +“Why, the fact is,” said Dick, “I had proposed that pleasure to myself; +and, if it's all the same to you, _you_ can jostle Tom, and _I'll_ do +the remainder in good style, I promise you.” + +“That I can't agree to,” said Loftus; “but as it appears we both have +set our heart on cheating the bridegroom, let us both start fair, and 't +is odd if between us Tom Durfy is not _done_” + +This was agreed upon, and many minutes did not elapse till the bride +made her appearance, and “hostilities were about to commence.” The +mutual enemy of the “high contracting parties” first opened his book, +and then his mouth, and in such solemn tones, that it was enough to +frighten _even_ a widow, much less a bachelor. As the ceremony verged +to a conclusion, Tom Loftus and Dick the Devil edged up towards their +'vantage-ground on either side of the blooming widow, now nearly +finished into a wife, and stood like greyhounds in the slip, ready to +start after puss (only puss ought to be spelt here with a B). The widow, +having been married before, was less nervous than Durfy, and, suspecting +the intended game, determined to foil both the brigands, who intended to +rob the bridegroom of his right; so, when the last word of the ceremony +was spoken, and Loftus and Dick made a simultaneous dart upon her, she +very adroitly ducked, and allowed the two “ruggers and rievers” to rush +into each other's arms, and rub their noses together, while Tom Durfy +and his blooming bride sealed their contract very agreeably without +their noses getting in each other's way. + +Loftus and Dick had only a laugh at _their own_ expense, instead of +a kiss at _Tom's_, upon the failure of their plot; but Loftus, in a +whisper to Dick, vowed he would execute a trick upon the “pair of them” + before the day was over. + +There was a breakfast as usual, and chicken and tongue and wine, which, +taken in the morning, are provocative of eloquence; and, of course, the +proper quantity of healths and toasts were executed _selon la règlei,_ +it was time for the bride and bridegroom to bow and blush and curtsey +out of the room, and make themselves food for a paragraph in the morning +papers, under the title of the “happy pair,” who set off in a handsome +chariot, &c., &c. + + * * * * * + +Tom Durfy had engaged a pretty cottage in the neighbourhood of Clontarf +to pass the honeymoon. Tom Loftus knew this, and knew, moreover, that +the sitting-room looked out on a small lawn which lay before the house, +screened by a hedge from the road, but with a circular sweep leading +up to the house, and a gate of ingress and egress at either end of the +hedge. In this sitting-room Tom, after lunch, was pressing his lady fair +to take a glass of champagne, when the entrance-gate was thrown open, +and a hackney jaunting-car with Tom Loftus and a friend or two upon +it, driven by a special ragamuffin blowing a tin horn, rolled up the +skimping avenue, and as it scoured past the windows of the sitting-room, +Tom Loftus and the other passengers kissed hands to the astonished bride +and bridegroom, and shouted, “Wish you joy!” + +The thing was so sudden that Durfy and the widow, not seeing Loftus, +could hardly comprehend what it meant, and both ran to the window; but +just as they reached it, up drove another car, freighted with two or +three more wild rascals who followed the lead which had been given them; +and as a long train of cars were seen in the distance all driving up +to the avenue, the widow, with a timid little scream, threw her +handkerchief over her face and ran into a corner. Tom did not know +whether to laugh or be angry, but, being a good-humoured fellow, he +satisfied himself with a few oaths against the incorrigible Loftus, and +when the _cortège_ had passed, endeavoured to restore the startled fair +one to her serenity. + + * * * * * + +Squire Egan and party arrived at the appointed hour at their hotel, +where Dick was waiting to receive them, and, of course, his inquiries +were immediately directed to the extraordinary circumstance of Andy's +elevation, the details of which he desired to know. These we shall not +give in the expanded form in which Dick heard them, but endeavour +to condense, as much as possible, within the limits to which we are +prescribed. + +The title of Scatterbrain had never been inherited directly from father +to son; it had descended in a zigzag fashion, most appropriate to +the name, nephews and cousins having come in for the coronet and the +property for some generations. The late lord had led a _roué_ bachelor +life up to the age of sixty, and then thought it not worth while to +marry, though many mammas and daughters spread their nets and arrayed +their charms to entrap the sexagenarian. + +The truth was, he had quaffed the cup of licentious pleasure all his +life, after which he thought matrimony would prove insipid. The mere +novelty induces some men, under similar circumstances, to try the holy +estate; but matrimony could not offer to Lord Scatterbrain the charms of +novelty, for _he had been_ once married, though no one but himself was +cognisant of the fact. + +The reader will certainly say, “Here's an Irish bull; how could a man be +married, without, at least, a woman and a priest being joint possessors +of the secret?” + +Listen, gentle reader, and you shall hear how none but Lord Scatterbrain +knew Lord Scatterbrain was married. + +There was nothing at which he ever stopped for the gratification of +his passions--no wealth he would not squander, no deceit he would +not practise, no disguise he would not assume. Therefore, gold, and +falsehood, and masquerading were extensively employed by this reckless +_roué_ in the service of Venus, in which service, combined with that of +Bacchus, his life was entirely passed. + +Often he assumed the guise of a man in humble life, to approximate some +object of his desire, whom fine clothes and bribery would have instantly +warned and in too many cases his artifices were successful. It was in +one of these adventures he cast his eyes upon the woman hitherto known +in this story under the name of the Widow Rooney; but all his practices +against her virtue were unavailing, and nothing but a marriage could +accomplish what he had set his fancy upon but even _this_ would not stop +him, _for he married her_. + +The Widow Rooney has appeared no very inviting personage through these +pages, and the reader may wonder that a man of rank could proceed to +such desperate lengths upon such slight temptation; but, gentle +reader, she was young and attractive when she was married--never to say +_handsome_, but good-looking decidedly, and with that sort of figure +which is comprehended in the phrase “a fine girl.” + +And has that fine girl altered into the Widow Rooney? Ah! poverty and +hardship are sore trials to the body as well as to the mind. Too little +is it considered, while we gaze on aristocratic beauty, how much good +food, soft lying, warm wrapping, ease of mind, have to do with the +attractions which command our admiration. Many a hand moulded by +nature to give elegance of form to a kid glove, is “stinted of its fair +proportion” by grubbing toil. The foot which might have excited the +admiration of a ball-room, peeping under a flounce of lace in a satin +shoe, and treading the mazy dance, _will_ grow coarse and broad by +tramping in its native state over toilsome miles, bearing perchance to +a market town some few eggs, whose whole produce would not purchase the +sandal-tie of my lady's slipper; will grow red and rough by standing in +wet trenches, and feeling the winter's frost. The neck on which diamonds +might have worthily sparkled, will look less tempting when the biting +winter has hung icicles there for gems. Cheeks formed as fresh for +dimpling blushes, eyes as well to sparkle, and lips to smile, as those +which shed their brightness and their witchery in the tapestried saloon, +will grow pale with want, and forget their dimples, when smiles are +not there to wake them; lips become compressed and drawn with anxious +thought, and eyes the brightest are quenched of their fires by many +tears. + +Of all these trials poor Widow Rooney had enough. Her husband, after +living with her a month, in the character of a steward to some great man +in a distant part of the country, left her one day for the purpose +of transacting business at a fair, which, he said, would require his +absence for some time. At the end of a week, a letter was sent to her, +stating that the make-believe steward had robbed his master extensively, +and had fled to America, whence he promised to write to her, and send +her means to follow him, requesting, in the meantime, her silence, in +case any inquiry should be made about him. This villanous trick was +played off the more readily, from the fact that a steward had absconded +at the time, and the difference in the name the cruel profligate +accounted for by saying that, as he was hiding at the moment he married +her, he had assumed another name. + +The poor deserted girl, fully believing this trumped-up tale, obeyed +with unflinching fidelity the injunctions of her betrayer; and while +reports were flying abroad of the absconded steward, she never breathed +a word of, what had been confided to her, and accounted for the absence +of “Rooney” in various ways of her own; so that all trace of the +profligate was lost, by her remaining inactive in making the smallest +inquiry about him, and her very fidelity to her betrayer became the +means of her losing all power of procuring his discovery. For months she +trusted all was right; but when moon followed moon, and she gave birth +to a boy without hearing one word of his father, misgiving came upon +her, and the only consolation left her was, that, though she was +deserted, and a child left on her hands, still she was _an honest +woman_. That child was the hero of our tale. The neighbours passed some +ill-natured remarks about her, when it began to be suspected that her +husband would never let her know more about him; for she had been rather +a saucy lady, holding up her nose at poor men, and triumphing in her +catching of the “steward,” a man well to do in the world; and it may be +remembered, that this same spirit existed in her when Andy's rumoured +marriage with Matty gave the prospect of her affairs being retrieved, +for she displayed her love of pre-eminence to the very first person who +gave her the good news. The ill-nature of her neighbours, however, after +the birth of her child and the desertion of her husband, inducing her +to leave the scene of her unmerited wrongs and annoyances, she suddenly +decamped, and, removing to another part of Ireland, the poor woman began +a life of hardship, to support herself and rear the offspring of her +unfortunate marriage. In this task she was worthily assisted by one of +her brothers, who pitied her condition, and joined her in her retreat. +He married in course of time, and his wife died in giving birth to +Oonah, who was soon deprived of her other parent by typhus fever, that +terrible scourge of the poor; so that the praiseworthy desire of the +brother to befriend his sister only involved her, as it happened, in the +deeper difficulty of supporting two children instead of one. This she +did heroically, and the orphan girl rewarded her, by proving a greater +comfort than her own child; for Andy had inherited in all its raciness +the blood of the Scatterbrains, and his deeds, as recorded in this +history, prove he was no unworthy representative of that illustrious +title. To return to his father--who had done the grievous wrong to the +poor peasant girl: he lived his life of profligacy through, and in +a foreign country died at last; but on his death-bed the scourge of +conscience rendered every helpless hour an age of woe. Bitterest of all +was the thought of the wife deceived, deserted, and unacknowledged. To +face his last account with such fearful crime upon his head he dared +not, and made all the reparation now in his power, by avowing his +marriage in his last will and testament, and giving all the information +in his power to trace his wife, if living, or his heir, if such existed. +He enjoined, by the most sacred injunctions upon him to whom the charge +was committed, that neither cost nor trouble should be spared in the +search, leaving a large sum in ready money besides, to establish the +right, in case his nephew disputed the will. By his own order, his death +was kept secret, and secretly his agent set to work to discover any +trace of the heir. This, in consequence of the woman changing her place +of abode, became more difficult and it was not until after very minute +inquiry that some trace was picked up, and a letter written to the +parish priest of the district to which she had removed, making certain +general inquiries. It was found, on comparing dates some time after, +that it was this very letter to Father Blake which Andy had purloined +from the post-office, and the Squire had thrown into the fire; so that +our hero was very near, by his blundering, destroying his own fortune. +Luckily for him, however, an untiring and intelligent agent was engaged +in his cause, and a subsequent inquiry, and finally a personal visit to +Father Blake, cleared the matter up satisfactorily, and the widow was +enabled to produce such proof of her identity, and that of her son, that +Handy Andy was indisputably Lord Scatterbrain; and the whole affair was +managed so secretly, that the death of the late lord, and the claim of +title and estates in the name of the rightful heir, were announced at +the same moment; and the “Honourable Sackville,” instead of coming into +possession of the peerage and property, and fighting his adversary at +the great advantage of possession, could only commence a suit to drive +him out, if he sued at all. + +Our limits compel us to this brief sketch of the circumstances through +which Handy Andy was entitled to and became possessed of a property and +a title, and we must now say something of the effects produced by the +intelligence on the parties most concerned. + +The Honourable Sackville Scatterbrain, on the advice of high legal +authority, did not attempt to dispute a succession of which such +satisfactory proofs existed, and, fortunately for himself, had knocked +up a watering-place match, while he was yet in the bloom of +heirship _presumptive_ to a peerage, with the daughter of an English +_millionaire_. + +When the Widow Rooney heard the extraordinary turn affairs had taken, +her emotions, after the first few hours of pleasurable surprise, partook +of regret rather than satisfaction. She looked upon her past life of +suffering, and felt as if Fate had cheated her. She, a peeress, had +passed her life in poverty and suffering, with contempt from those over +whom she had superior rights; and the few years of the prosperous future +before her offered her poor compensation for the pinching past. But +after such selfish considerations, the maternal feeling came to her +relief, and she rejoiced that _her son_ was a lord. But then came the +terrible thought of his marriage to dash her joy and triumph. + +This was a source of grief to Oonah as well. “If he wasn't married,” she +would say to herself, “I might be _Lady_ Scatterbrain;” and the tears +would burst through poor Oonah's fingers as she held them up to her eyes +and sobbed heavily, till the poor girl would try to gather consolation +from the thought that, maybe, Andy's altered circumstances would make +_her_ disregarded. “There would be plenty to have him now,” thought she, +“and he wouldn't think of me, maybe--so 't is well as it is.” + +When Andy heard that he was a lord--a real lord--and, after the first +shock of astonishment, could comprehend that wealth and power were in +his possession, he, though the most interested person, never thought, +as the two women had done, of the desperate strait in which his marriage +placed him, but broke out into short peals of laughter, and exclaimed +in the intervals, “that it was mighty quare;” and when, after much +questioning, any intelligible desire he had could be understood, the +first one he clearly expressed was _“to have a goold watch.”_ + +He was made, however, to understand that other things than +“goold watches” were of more importance; and the Squire, with his +characteristic good nature, endeavoured to open Andy's comprehension +to the nature of his altered situation. This, it may be supposed, was +rather a complicated piece of work, and too difficult to be set down +in black and white; the most intelligible portions to Andy were his +immediate removal from servitude, and a ready-made suit of gentlemanly +apparel, which made Andy pay several visits to the looking-glass. +Good-natured as the Squire was, it would have been equally awkward to +him as to Andy for the newly fledged lord, though a lord, to have a seat +at his table, neither could he remain in an inferior position in his +house; so Dick, who loved fun, volunteered to take Andy under his +especial care to London, and let him share his lodgings, as a bachelor +may do many things which a man surrounded by his family cannot. Besides, +in a place distant from such extraordinary chances and changes as those +which befell our hero, the sudden and startling difference of position +of the parties not being known renders it possible for a gentleman to +do the good-natured thing which Dick undertook, without compromising +himself. In Dublin it would not have done for Dick Dawson to allow the +man who would have held his horse the day before, to share the same +board with him merely because Fortune had played one of her frolics and +made Andy a lord; but in London the case was different. + +To London therefore they proceeded. The incidents of the journey, +sea-sickness included, which so astonished the new traveller, we pass +over, as well as the numberless mistakes in the great metropolis, which +afforded Dick plentiful amusement, though, in truth, Dick had better +objects in view than laughing at Andy's embarrassments in his new +position. He really wished to help him in the difficult path into which +the new lord had been thrust, and did this in a merry sort of way more +successfully than by serious drilling. It was hard to break Andy of +the habit of saying “Misther Dick,” when addressing him, but, at last, +“Misther Dawson” was established. Eating with his knife, drinking as +loudly as a horse, and other like accomplishments, were not so easily +got under, yet it was wonderful how much he improved, as his shyness +grew less, and his consciousness of being a lord grew stronger. + +But, if the good nature of Dick had not prompted him to take Andy into +training, the newly discovered nobleman would not have long been in +want of society. It was wonderful how many persons were eager to show +civility to his lordship, and some amongst them even went so far as to +discover relationship. Plenty were soon ready to take Lord Scatterbrain +here, and escort him there, accompany him to exhibitions and +other public places, and charmed all the time with his lordship's +remarks--“they were so original”--“quite delightful to meet something +so fresh”--“how remarkably clever the Irish were!” Such were among the +observations his ignorant blunders produced; and he who, as Handy Andy, +had been anathematised all his life as a “stupid rascal,” “a +blundering thief,” “a thick-headed brute,” &c., under the title of +Lord Scatterbrain all of a sudden was voted “vastly amusing--a little +eccentric, perhaps, but _so_ droll--in fact, so witty!” This was all +very delightful for Andy--so delightful that he quite forgot Bridget +_rhua_. But that lady did not leave him long in his happy obliviousness. +One day, while Dick was absent, and Andy rocking on a chair before +the fire, twirling the massive gold chain of his gold watch round his +forefinger, and uncoiling it again, his repose was suddenly disturbed +by the appearance of Bridget herself, accompanied by _Shan More_ and a +shrimp of a man in rusty black, who turned out to be a shabby attorney +who advanced money to convey his lady client and her brother to London, +for the purpose of making a dash at the lord at once, and securing a +handsome sum by a _coup de main_. + +Andy, though taken by surprise, was resolute. Bitter words were +exchanged; and as they seemed likely to lead to blows, Andy prudently +laid hold of the poker, and, in language not quite suited to a noble +lord, swore he would see what the inside of _Shan More's_ head was made +of, if he attempted to advance upon him. Bridget screamed and +scolded, while the attorney endeavoured to keep the peace, and, beyond +everything, urged Lord Scatterbrain to enter at once into written +engagements for a handsome settlement upon his “lady.” + +“Lady!” exclaimed Andy; “oh!--a pretty _lady_ she is!” + +“I'm as good a lady as you are a lord, anyhow,” cried Bridget. + +“Altercation will do no good, my lord and my lady,” said the attorney; +“let me suggest the propriety of your writing an engagement at once;” + and the little man pushed pen, ink, and paper towards Andy. + +“I can't, I tell you!” cried Andy. + +“You must!” roared _Shan More_. + +“Bad luck to you, how can I when I never larned?” + +“Your lordship can make your mark,” said the attorney. + +“'Faith I can--with a poker,” cried Andy; “and you'd better take care, +master parchment. Make my mark, indeed!--do you think I'd disgrace +the House o' Peers by lettin' on that a lord couldn't write?--Quit the +buildin', I tell you!” + +In the midst of the row, which now rose to a tremendous pitch, Dick +returned; and after a severe reprimand to the pettifogger for his +sinister attempt on Andy, referred him to Lord Scatterbrain's solicitor. +It was not such an easy matter to silence Bridget, who extended her +claws towards her lord and master in a very menacing manner, calling +down bitter imprecations on her own head if she wouldn't have her +rights. + +Every now and then between the bursts of the storm Andy would exclaim, +“Get out!” + +“My lord,” said Dick, “remember your dignity.” + +“Av coorse!” said Andy; “but still she must get out!” + +The house was at last cleared of the uproarious party; but though +Andy got rid of their presence, they left their sting behind. Lord +Scatterbrain felt, for the first time, that a lord can be very unhappy. + +Dick hurried him away at once to the chambers of the law agent, but he, +being closeted on some very important business with another client on +their arrival, returned an answer to their application for a conference, +which they forwarded through the double doors of this sanctum by a +hard-looking man with a pen behind his ear, that he could not have the +pleasure of seeing them till the next morning. Lord Scatterbrain passed +a more unhappy night than he had ever done in his life--even than that +when he was tied up to the old tree--croaked at by ravens, and the +despised of rats. + +Negotiations were opened the next day between the pettifogger on +Bridget's side and the law agent of the noble lord, and the arguments, +_pro and con.,_ lay thus: + +In the first place, the opening declaration was--Lord Scatterbrain never +would live with the aforesaid Bridget. + +Answered--that nevertheless, as she was his lawful wife, a provision +suitable to her rank must be made. + +They (the claimants) were asked to name a sum. + +The sum was considered exorbitant; it being argued that when her +husband had determined never to live with her, he was in a far +different condition, therefore it was unfair to seek so large a separate +maintenance now. + +The pettifogger threatened that Lady Scatterbrain would run in debt, +which Lord Scatterbrain must discharge. My Lord's agent suggested +that my Lady would be advertised in the public papers, and the public +cautioned against giving her credit. + +A sum could not be agreed upon, though a fair one was offered on Andy's +part; for the greediness of the pettifogger, who was to have a share of +the plunder, made him hold out for more, and negotiations were broken +off for some days. + +Poor Andy was in a wretched state of vexation. It was bad enough that +he was married to this abominable woman, without an additional plague of +being persecuted by her. To such an amount this rose at last, that she +and her big brother dodged him every time he left the house, so that +in self-defence he was obliged to become a close prisoner in his own +lodgings. All this at last became so intolerable to the captive, that +he urged a speedy settlement of the vexatious question, and a larger +separate maintenance was granted to the detestable woman than would +otherwise have been ceded, the only stipulation of a stringent nature +made being, that Lord Scatterbrain should be free from the persecutions +of his hateful wife for the future. + + + + +CHAPTER XLIX + + +Squire Egan, with his lady and Fanny Dawson, had now arrived in London; +Murtough Murphy, too, had joined them, his services being requisite in +working the petition against the return of the sitting member for the +county. This had so much promise of success about it, that the opposite +party, who had the sheriff for the county in their interest, bethought +of a novel expedient to frustrate the petition when a reference to the +poll was required. + +They declared the principal poll-book was lost. + +This seemed not very satisfactory to one side of the committee, and the +question was asked, “how could it be lost?” The answer was one which +Irish contrivance alone could have invented: _“It fell into a pot of +broth, and the dog ate it.”_ [Footnote: If not this identical answer, +something like it was given on a disputed Irish election, before a +Committee of the House of Commons.] + +This protracted the contest for some time; but eventually, in spite of +the dog's devouring knowledge so greedily, the Squire was declared duly +elected and took the oaths and his seat for the county. + +It was hard on Sackville Scatterbrain to lose his seat in the house and +a peerage, nearly at once; but the latter loss threw the former so far +into the shade, that he scarcely felt it. Besides, he could +console himself with having buttered his crumbs pretty well in the +marriage-market; and, with a rich wife, retired from senatorial drudgery +to private repose, which was much more congenial to his easy temper. + +But while the Squire's happy family circle was rejoicing in his +triumph--while he was invited to the Speaker's dinners, and the ladies +were looking forward to tickets for “the lantern,” their pleasure was +suddenly dashed by fatal news from Ireland. + +A serious accident had befallen Major Dawson--so serious, that his life +was despaired of; and an immediate return to Ireland by all who were +interested in his life was the consequence. + +Though the suddenness of this painful event shocked his family, the +act which caused it did not surprise them; for it was one against which +Major Dawson had been repeatedly cautioned, involving a danger he had +been affectionately requested not to tempt; but the habitual obstinacy +of his nature prevailed, and he persisted in doing that which his +son--and his daughters--and friends--prophesied _would_ kill him some +time or other, and _did_, at last. The Major had three little iron guns, +mounted on carriages, on a terrace in front of his house; and it was his +wont to fire a salute on certain festival days from these guns, which, +from age and exposure to the weather, became dangerous to use. It was in +vain that this danger was represented to him. He would reply, with his +accustomed “Pooh, pooh! I have been firing these guns for forty years, +and they won't do me any harm now.” + +This was the prime fault of the Major's character. Time and +circumstances were never taken into account by him; what was done once, +might be done _always_--_ought_ to be done always. The bare thought of +change of any sort, to him, was unbearable; and whether it was a rotten +old law or a rotten old gun, he would charge both up to the muzzle and +fire away, regardless of consequences. The result was, that on a certain +festival his _favourite_ gun burst in discharging; and the last mortal +act of which the Major was conscious, was that of putting the port-fire +to the touchhole, for a heavy splinter of iron struck him on the head, +and though he lived for some days afterwards, he was insensible. Before +his children arrived he was no more; and the only duty left them to +perform was the melancholy one of ordering his funeral. + +The obsequies of the old Major were honoured by a large and +distinguished attendance from all parts of the country; and amongst +those who bore the pall was Edward O'Connor, who had the melancholy +gratification of testifying his respect beside the grave of Fanny's +father, though the severe old man had banished him from his presence +during his lifetime. + +But now all obstacle to the union of Edward and Fanny was removed; and +after the lapse of a few days had softened the bitter grief which this +sudden bereavement of her father had produced, Edward received a note +from Dick, inviting him to the manor-house, where _all_ would be glad to +see him. + +In a few minutes after the receipt of that note Edward was in his +saddle, and swiftly leaving the miles behind him till, from the top of +a rising ground, the roof of the manor-house appeared above the trees +in which it was embosomed. He had not till then slackened his speed; but +now drawing rein, he proceeded at a slower pace towards the house he had +not entered for some years, and the sight of which awakened such varied +emotions. + +To return after long years of painful absence to some place which has +been the scene of our former joys, and whence the force of circumstance, +and not choice, has driven us, is oppressive to the heart. There is a +mixed sense of regret and rejoicing, which struggle for predominance; +we rejoice that our term of exile has expired, but we regret the years +which that exile has deducted from the brief amount of human life, never +to be recalled, and therefore as so much _lost_ to us. We think of the +wrong or the caprice of which we have been the victims, and thoughts +will stray across the most confiding heart, if friends shall meet as +fondly as they parted; or if time, while impressing deeper marks upon +the _outward_ form, may have obliterated some impressions _within_. Who +has returned after years of absence, however assured of the unflinching +fidelity of the love he left behind, without saying to himself, in the +pardonable yearning of affection, “Shall I meet smiles as bright as +those that used to welcome me? Shall I be pressed as fondly within the +arms whose encompassment were to me the pale of all earthly enjoyment?” + +Such thoughts crowded on Edward as he approached the house. There was +not a lane, or tree, or hedge, by the way, that had not for him +its association. He reached the avenue gate; as he flung it open he +remembered the last time he passed it; Fanny had then leaned on his +arm. He felt himself so much excited, that, instead of riding up to the +house, he took the private path to the stables, and throwing down the +reins to a boy, he turned into a shrubbery and endeavoured to recover +his self-command before he should present himself. As he emerged from +the sheltered path and turned into a walk which led to the garden, a +small conservatory was opened to his view, awaking fresh sensations. +It was in that very place he had first ventured to declare his love to +Fanny. There she heard and frowned not; there, where nature's choicest +sweets were exhaling, he had first pressed her to his heart, and thought +the balmy sweetness of her lips beyond them all. He hurried forward in +the enthusiasm the recollection recalled, to enter that spot consecrated +in his memory; but on arriving at the door, he suddenly stopped, for he +saw Fanny within. She was plucking a geranium--the flower she had been +plucking some years before, when Edward said he loved her. She, all that +morning, had been under the influence of feelings similar to Edward's; +had felt the same yearnings--the same tender doubts--the same fond +solicitude that he should be the same Edward from whom she parted. +But she thought of _more_ than this; with the exquisitely delicate +contrivance belonging to woman's nature, she wished to give him a signal +of her fond recollection, and was plucking the flower she gathered +when he declared his love, to place on her bosom when they should meet. +Edward felt the meaning of her action, as the graceful hand broke the +flower from its stem. He would have rushed towards her at once, but that +the deep mourning in which she was arrayed seemed to command a gentler +approach; for grief commands respect. He advanced softly--she heard a +gentle step behind her--turned--uttered a faint exclamation of joy, and +sank into his arms! In a few moments she recovered her consciousness, +and opening her sweet eyes upon him, breathed softly, “dear +Edward!”--and the lips which, in two words, had expressed so much, +were impressed with a fervent kiss in the blessed consciousness of +possession, on that very spot where the first timid and doubting word of +love had been spoken. + +In that moment he was rewarded for all his years of absence and anxiety. +His heart was satisfied; he felt he was dear as ever to the woman he +idolised, and the short and hurried beating of _both_ their hearts told +more than words could express. Words!--what were words to them?--thought +was too swift for their use, and feeling too strong for their utterance; +but they drank from each other's eyes large draughts of delight, and, +in the silent pressure of each other's welcoming embrace, felt how truly +they loved each other. + +He led her gently from the conservatory, and they exchanged words of +affection “soft and low,” as they sauntered through the wooded path +which surrounded the house. That live-long day they wandered up and down +together, repeating again and again the anxious yearnings which occupied +their years of separation, yet asking each other was not all more than +repaid by the gladness of the present-- + +“Yet _how_ painful has been the past!” exclaimed Edward. + +“But _now!_” said Fanny, with a gentle pressure of her tiny hand on +Edward's arm, and looking up to him with her bright eyes--“but _now!_” + +“True, darling!” he cried; “'tis ungrateful to think of the past while +enjoying such a present and with such a future before me. Bless that +cheerful heart, and those hope-inspiring glances! Oh, Fanny! in the +wilderness of life there are springs and palm-trees--you are both to +me! and heaven has set its own mark upon you in those laughing blue eyes +which might set despair at defiance.” + +“Poetical as ever, Edward!” said Fanny, laughing. + +“Sit down, dearest, for a moment, on this old tree, beside me; 'tis not +the first time I have strung rhymes in your presence and your praise.” + He took a small note-book from his pocket, and Fanny looked on smilingly +as Edward's pencil rapidly ran over the leaf and traced the lover's +tribute to his mistress. + +THE SUNSHINE IN YOU + +I + + “It is sweet when we look round the wide world's waste + To know that the desert bestows + The palms where the weary heart may rest, + The spring that in purity flows. + And where have I found + In this wilderness round + That spring and that shelter so true; + Unfailing in need, + And my own, indeed?-- + Oh! dearest, I've found it in you! + +II + + “And, oh when the cloud of some darkening hour + O'ershadows the soul with its gloom, + Then where is the light of the vestal pow'r, + The lamp of pale Hope to illume? + Oh! the light ever lies + In those bright fond eyes, + Where Heaven has impressed its own blue + As a seal from the skies + As my heart relies + On that gift of its sunshine in you!” + +Fanny liked the lines, of course. “Dearest,” she said, “may I always +prove sunshine to you! Is it not a strange coincidence that these lines +exactly fit a little air which occurred to me some time ago?” + +“'Tis odd,” said Edward; “sing it to me, darling.” + +Fanny took the verses from his hand, and sung them to her own measure. +Oh, happy triumph of the poet!--to hear his verses wedded to sweet +sounds, and warbled by the woman he loves! Edward caught up the strain, +adding his voice to hers in harmony, and thus they sauntered homewards, +trolling their ready-made duet together. There were not two happier +hearts in the world that day than those of Fanny Dawson and Edward +O'Connor. + + + + +CHAPTER L + + +Respect for the memory of Major Dawson of course prevented the immediate +marriage of Edward and Fanny; but the winter months passed cheerfully +away in looking forward to the following autumn which should witness +the completion of their happiness. Though Edward was thus tempted by +the society of the one he loved best in the world, it did not make him +neglect the duties he had undertaken in behalf of Gustavus. Not only did +he prosecute his reading with him regularly, but he took no small pains +in looking after the involved affairs of the family, and strove to make +satisfactory arrangements with those whose claims were gnawing away the +estate to nothing. Though the years of Gusty's minority were but few, +still they would give the estate some breathing-time; and creditors, +seeing the minor backed by a man of character, and convinced a sincere +desire existed to relieve the estate of its encumbrances and pay all +just claims, presented a less threatening front than hitherto, and +listened readily to such terms of accommodation as were proposed +to them. Uncle Robert (for the breaking of whose neck Ratty's pious +aspirations had been raised) behaved very well on the occasion. A loan +from him, and a partial sale of some of the acres, stopped the mouths +of the greedy wolves who fatten on men's ruin, and time and economy were +looked forward to for the discharge of all other debts. Uncle Robert, +having so far acted the friend, was considered entitled to have a +partial voice in the ordering of things at the Hall; and having a notion +that an English accent was genteel, he desired that Gusty and Ratty +should pass a year under the roof of a clergyman in England, who +received a limited number of young gentlemen for the completion of +their education. Gustavus would much rather have remained near Edward +O'Connor, who had already done so much for him; but Edward, though +he regretted parting with Gustavus, recommended him to accede to +his uncle's wishes, though he did not see the necessity of an Irish +gentleman being ashamed of his accent. + +The visit to England, however, was postponed till the spring, and the +winter months were used by Gustavus in availing himself as much as he +could of Edward's assistance in putting him through his classics, +his pride prompting him to present himself creditably to the English +clergyman. + +It was in vain to plead _such_ pride to Ratty, who paid more attention +to shooting than his lessons. His mother strove to persuade--Ratty +was deaf. His “gran” strove to bribe--Ratty was incorruptible. Gusty +argued--Ratty answered after his own fashion. + +“Why won't you learn even a little?” + +“I'm to go to that 'English fellow' in spring, and I shall have no fun +then, so I'm making good use of my time now.” + +“Do you call it 'good use' to be so dreadfully idle and shamefully +ignorant?” + +“Bother!--the less I know, the more the English fellow will have to +teach me, and Uncle Bob will have more worth for his money;” and then +Ratty would whistle a jig, fling a fowling-piece over his shoulder, +and shout “Ponto! Ponto! Ponto!” as he traversed the stable-yard; the +delighted pointer would come bounding at the call, and, after circling +round his young master with agile grace and yelps of glee at the sight +of the gun, dash forward to the well-known “bottoms” in eager expectancy +of ducks and snipe. How fared it all this time with the lord of +Scatterbrain? He became established, for the present, in a house that +had been a long time to let in the neighbourhood, and his mother was +placed at the head of it, and Oonah still remained under his protection, +though the daily sight of the girl added to Andy's grief at the +desperate plight in which his ill-starred marriage placed him, to say +nothing of the constant annoyance of his mother's growling at him for +his making “such a Judy of himself;” for the dowager Lady Scatterbrain +could not get rid of her vocabulary at once. Andy's only resource under +these circumstances was to mount his horse and fly. + +As for the dowager Lady Scatterbrain, she had a carriage with “a +picture” on it, as she called the coat of arms, and was fond of driving +past the houses of people who had been uncivil to her. Against Mrs. +Casey (the renowned Matty Dwyer) she entertained an especial spite, in +consideration of her treatment of her beautiful boy and her own pair +of black eyes; so she determined to “pay her off” in her own way, and +stopping one day at the hole in the hedge which served for entrance to +the estate of the “three-cornered field,” she sent the footman in to say +the _dowjer_ Lady Scatter_breen_ wanted to speak with “Casey's wife.” + +When the servant, according to instructions, delivered this message, he +was sent back with the answer, “that if any lady wanted to see Casey's +wife, 'Casey's wife,' was at home.” + +“Oh, go back, and tell the poor woman I don't want to bring her to the +door of my carriage, if it's inconvaynient. I only wished to give her +a little help; and tell her if she sends up eggs to the big house, Lady +Scatterbreen will pay her for them.” + +When the servant delivered this message, Matty grew outrageous at the +means “my lady” took of crowing over her, and rushing to the door, with +her face flushed with rage, roared out, “Tell the old baggage I want +none of her custom; let her lay eggs for herself.” + +The servant staggered back in amaze; and Matty, feeling he would not +deliver her message, ran to the hole in the hedge and repeated her +answer to my lady herself, with a great deal more which need not be +recorded. Suffice it to say, my lady thought it necessary to pull up the +glass, against which Matty threw a handful of mud; the servant jumped up +on his perch behind the carriage, which was rapidly driven away by the +coachman, but not so fast that Matty could not, by dint of running, keep +it “within range” for some seconds, during which time she contrived to +pelt both coachman and footman with mud, and leave her mark on their +new livery. This was a salutary warning to the old woman, who was more +cautious in her demonstrations of grandeur for the future. If she was +stinted in the enjoyment of her new-born dignity abroad, she could +indulge it at home without let or hindrance, and to this end asked Andy +to let her have a hundred pounds, in one-pound notes, for a particular +purpose. What this purpose was no one was told or could guess, but for +a good while after she used to be closeted by herself for several hours +during the day. + +Andy had his hours of retirement also, for with praiseworthy industry he +strove hard, poor fellow, to lift himself above the state of ignorance, +and had daily attendance from the parish schoolmaster. The mysteries of +“pothooks and hangers” and ABC weighed heavily on the nobleman's mind, +which must have sunk under the burden of scholarship and penmanship, +but for the other “ship”--the horsemanship--which was Andy's daily +self-established reward for his perseverance in his lessons. Besides he +really _could_ ride; and as it was the only accomplishment of which he +was master, it was no wonder he enjoyed the display of it; and, to say +the truth, he did, and that on a first-rate horse too. Having appointed +Murtough Murphy his law-agent, he often rode over to the town to talk +with him, and as Murtough could have some fun and thirteen and fourpence +also per visit, he was always glad to see his “noble friend.” The high +road did not suit Andy's notion of things; he preferred the variety, +shortness, and diversion of going across the country on these occasions; +and in one of these excursions, in the most secluded portion of his +ride, which unavoidably lay through some quarries and deep broken +ground, he met “Ragged Nance,” who held up her finger as he approached +the gorge of this lonely dell, in token that she would speak with him. +Andy pulled up. + +“Long life to you, my lord,” said Nance, dropping a deep curtsey, “and +sure I always liked you since the night you was so bowld for the sake +of the poor girl--the young lady, I mane, now, God bless her--and I just +wish to tell you, my lord, that I think you might as well not be going +these lonely ways, for I see _them_ hanging about here betimes, that +maybe it would not be good for your health to meet; and sure, my lord, +it would be a hard case if you were killed now, havin' the luck of the +sick calf that lived all the winther and died in the summer.” + +“Is it that big blackguard, _Shan More_, you mane?” said Andy. + +“No less,” said Nance--growing deadly pale as she cast a piercing +glance into the dell, and cried, in a low, hurried tone--“Talk of the +divil--and there he is--I see him peep out from behind a rock.” + +“He's running this way,” said Andy. + +“Then you run the other way,” said Nance; “look there--I see him strive +to hide a blunderbuss under his coat--gallop off, for the love o' God! +or there'll be murther.” + +“Maybe there will be that same,” said Andy, “if I leave you here, and +he suspects you gave me the hard word.” [Footnote: “Hard word” implies a +caution.] + +“Never mind me,” said Nance, “save yourself--see, he's moving fast, +he'll be near enough to you soon to fire.” + +“Get up behind me,” said Andy; “I won't leave you here.” + +“Run, I tell you.” + +“I won't.” + +“God bless you, then,” said the woman, as Andy held out his hand and +gripped hers firmly. + +“Put your foot on mine,” said Andy. + +The woman obeyed, and was soon seated behind our hero, gripping him fast +by the waist, while he pushed his horse to a fast canter. + +“Hold hard now,” said Andy, “for there's a stiff jump here.” As he +approached the ditch of which he spoke, two men sprang up from it, and +one fired, as Andy cleared the leap in good style, Nance holding on +gallantly. The horse was not many strokes on the opposite side, when +another shot was fired in their rear, followed by a scream from +the woman. To Andy's inquiry, if she was “kilt,” she replied in the +negative, but said “they hurt her sore,” and she was “bleeding a power;” + but that she could still hold on, however, and urged him to speed. The +clearance of one or two more leaps gave her grievous pain; but a large +common soon opened before them, which was skirted by a road leading +directly to a farm-house, where Andy left the wounded woman, and then +galloped off for medical aid; this soon arrived, and the wound was found +not to be dangerous, though painful. The bullet had struck and pierced +a tin vessel of a bottle form, in which Nance carried the liquid +gratuities of the charitable, and this not only deadened the force of +the ball, but glanced it also; and the escapement of the butter-milk, +which the vessel contained, Nance had mistaken for the effusion of her +own blood. It was a clear case, however, that if Nance had not been +sitting behind Andy, Lord Scatterbrain would have been a dead man, so +that his gratitude and gallantry towards the poor beggar woman proved +the means of preserving his own life. + + + + +CHAPTER LI + + +The news of the attack on Lord Scatterbrain ran over the country like +wildfire, and his conduct throughout the affair raised his character +wonderfully in the opinion of all classes. Many who had hitherto held +aloof from the mushroom lord, came forward to recognise the manly +fellow, and cards were left at “the big house,” which were never seen +there before. The magistrates were active in the affair, and a reward +was immediately offered for the apprehension of the offenders; but +before any active steps could be taken by the authorities, Andy, +immediately after the attack, collected a few stout fellows himself, and +knowing where the den of Shan and his miscreants lay, he set off at the +head of his party to try if he could not secure them himself; but before +he did this, he despatched a vehicle to the farmhouse, where poor Nance +lay wounded, with orders that she should be removed to his own house, +the doctor having said that the transit would not be injurious. + +A short time served to bring Andy and his followers to the private +still, where a little looking about enabled them to discover the +entrance, which was covered by some large stones, and a bunch of furze +placed as a mask to the opening. It was clear that it was impossible for +any persons inside to have thus covered the entrance, and it suggested +the possibility that some of its usual inmates were then absent. +Nevertheless, having such desperate characters to deal with, it was a +service of danger to be leader in the descent to the cavern when the +opening was cleared; but Andy was the first to enter, which he did +boldly, only desiring his attendants to follow him quickly, and give him +support in case of resistance. A lantern had been provided, Andy knowing +the darkness of the den; and the party was thereby enabled to explore +with celerity and certainty the hidden haunt of the desperadoes. The +ashes of the fire were yet warm, but no one was to be seen, till Andy, +drawing the screen of the bed, discovered a man lying in a seemingly +helpless state, breathing with difficulty, and the straw about him +dabbled with blood. On attempting to lift him, the wretch groaned +heavily and muttered, “D--n you, let me alone--you've done for me--I'm +dying.” + +The man was gently carried from the cave to the open air, which seemed +slightly to revive him. His eyes opened heavily, but closed again; yet +still he breathed. His wounds were staunched as well as the limited +means and knowledge of the parties present allowed; and the ladder, +drawn up from the cave and overlaid with tufts of heather, served to +bear the sufferer to the nearest house, whence Andy ordered a mounted +messenger to hurry for a doctor. The man seemed to hear what was going +forward, for he faintly muttered, “the priest--the priest.” + +Andy, anxious to procure this most essential comfort to the dying man, +went himself in search of Father Blake, whom he found at home, and who +suggested that a magistrate might be also useful upon the occasion; and +as Merryvale lay not much out of the way, Andy made a detour to obtain +the presence of Squire Egan, while Father Blake pushed directly onward +upon his ghostly mission. + +Andy and the Squire arrived soon after the priest had administered +spiritual comfort to the sufferer, who still retained sufficient +strength to make his depositions before the Squire, the purport of which +turned out to be of the utmost importance to Andy. + +This man, it appeared, _was the husband of Bridget_, who had returned +from transportation, and sought his wife and her dear brother, and his +former lawless associates, on reaching Ireland. On finding Bridget +had married again, his anger at her infidelity was endeavoured to be +appeased by the representations made to him that it was a “good job,” + inasmuch as “the lord” had been screwed out of a good sum of money by +way of separate maintenance, and that he would share the advantage of +that. When matters were more explained, however, and the convict found +this money was divided among so many, who all claimed right of share +in the plunder, his discontent returned. In the first place, the +pettifogger made a large haul for his services. Shan More swore it was +hard if a woman's own brother was not to be the better for her luck; and +Larry Hogan claimed hush-money, for he could prove Bridget's marriage, +and so upset their scheme of plunder. The convict maintained his claim +as husband was stronger than any; but this, all the others declared, was +an outlandish notion he brought back with him from foreign parts, and +did not prevail in their code of laws by any manner o' means, and even +went so far as to say they thought it hard, after they had “done the +job,” that he was to come in and lessen their profit, which he would, as +they were willing to give an even share of the spoil; and after that, +he must be the most discontented villain in the world if he was not +pleased. + +The convict feigned contentment, but meditated at once revenge against +his wife and the gang, and separate profit for himself. He thought he +might stipulate for a good round sum from Lord Scatterbrain, as he could +prove him free of his supposed matrimonial engagement, and inwardly +resolved he would soon pay a visit to his lordship. But his intentions +were suspected by the gang, and a strict watch kept upon him; and though +his dissimulation and contrivance were of no inferior order, Larry Hogan +was his overmatch, and the convict was detected in having been so near +Lord Scatterbrain's dwelling, that they feared their secret, if not +already revealed, was no longer to be trusted to their new confederate's +keeping; and it was deemed advisable to knock him on the head, and shoot +my lord, which they thought would prevent all chance of the invalidity +of the marriage being discovered, and secure the future payment of the +maintenance. + +How promptly the murderous determination was acted upon, the preceding +events prove. Andy's courage in the first part of the affair saved his +life; his promptness in afterwards seeking to secure the offenders +led to the important discovery he had just made; and as the convict's +depositions could be satisfactorily backed by proofs which he showed the +means of obtaining, Andy was congratulated heartily by the Squire and +Father Blake, and rode home in almost delirious delight at the prospect +of making Oonah his wife. On reaching the stables, he threw himself from +his saddle, let the horse make his own way to his stall, dashed through +the back hall, and nearly broke his neck in tumbling up-stairs, burst +open the drawing-room door, and made a rush upon Oonah, whom he hugged +and kissed most outrageously, amidst exclamations of the wildest +affection. + +Oonah, half strangled and struggling for breath, at last freed herself +from his embraces, and asked him, angrily, what he was about--in which +inquiry she was backed by his mother. + +Andy answered by capering round the room, shouting, “Hurroo! I'm not +married at all--hurroo!” He turned over the chairs, upset the tables, +threw the mantelpiece ornaments into the fire, seized the poker and +tongs, and banged them together as he continued dancing and shouting. + +Oonah and his mother stood gazing at his antics in trembling amazement, +till at last the old woman exclaimed, “Holy Vargin! he's gone mad!” + whereupon she and her niece set up a violent screaming, which called +Andy back to his propriety, and, as well as his excitement would permit, +he told them the cause of his extravagant joy. His wonder and delight +were shared by his mother and the blushing Oonah, who did not struggle +so hard in Andy's embrace on his making a second vehement demonstration +of his love for her. + +“Let me send for Father Blake, my jewel,” said Andy, “and I'll marry you +at once.” + +His mother reminded him he must first have his present marriage proved +invalid. Andy uttered several pieces of _original_ eloquence on “the +law's delay.” + +“Well, anyhow,” said he, “I'll drink your health, my darling girl, this +day, as Lady Scatterbrain--for you must consider yourself as sitch.” + +“Behave yourself, my lord,” said Oonah, archly. + +“Bother!” cried Andy, snatching another kiss. + +“Hillo!” cried Dick Dawson, entering at the moment, and seeing the +romping-match. “You're losing no time, I see, Andy.” + +Oonah was running from the room, laughing and blushing, when Dick +interposed, and cried, “Ah, don't go, 'my lady,' that _is to be_.” + +Oonah slapped down the hand that barred her progress, exclaiming, +“You're just as bad as he is, Mister Dawson!” and ran away. + +Dick had ridden over, on hearing the news, to congratulate Andy, and +consented to remain and dine with him. Oonah had rather, after what +had taken place, he had not been there, for Dick backed Andy in his +tormenting the girl and joined heartily in drinking to Andy's toast, +which, according to promise, he gave to the health of the future Lady +Scatterbrain. + +It was impossible to repress Andy's wild delight; and in the excitement +of the hour he tossed off bumper after bumper to all sorts of +love-making toasts, till he was quite overcome by his potations, and +fit for no place but bed. To this last retreat of “the glorious” he was +requested to retire, and, after much coaxing, consented. He staggered +over to the window-curtain, which he mistook for that of the bed; in +vain they wanted to lead him elsewhere--he would sleep in no other bed +but _that_--and, backing out at the window-pane, he made a smash, of +which he seemed sensible, for he said it wasn't a fair trick to put +pins in the bed. “I know it was Oonah did that!--hip!--ha! ha! Lady +Scatterbrain!--never mind--hip!--I'll have my revenge on you yet!” + +They could not get him up-stairs, so his mother suggested he should +sleep in her room, which was on the same floor, for that night, and at +last he was got into the apartment. There he was assisted to disrobe, as +he stood swaying about at a dressing-table. Chancing to lay his hands on +a pill-box, he mistook it for his watch. + +“Stop--stop!” he stammered forth--“I must wind my watch;” and, suiting +the action to the word, he began twisting about the pill-box, the lid +of which came off and the pills fell about the floor. “Oh, murder!” + said Lord Scatterbrain, “the works of my watch are fallin' about the +flure--pick them up--pick them up--pick them up--” He could speak +no more, and becoming quite incapable of all voluntary action, was +undressed and put to bed, the last sound which escaped him being a faint +muttering--“pick them up.” + + + + +CHAPTER THE LAST + + +The day following the eventful one just recorded, the miserable convict +breathed his last. A printed notice was posted in all the adjacent +villages, offering a reward for the apprehension of _Shan More_ and +“other persons unknown,” for their murderous assault; and a small +reward was promised for such “private information as might lead to +the apprehension of the aforesaid,” &c., &c. Larry Hogan at once came +forward and put the authorities on the scent, but still Shan and his +accomplices remained undiscovered. Larry's information on another +subject, however, was more effective. He gave his own testimony to the +previous marriage of Bridget, and pointed out the means of obtaining +more, so that, ere long, Lord Scatterbrain was a “free man.” Though the +depositions of the murdered man did not directly implicate Larry in the +murderous attack, still it showed that he had participated in much +of their villany; but, as in difficult cases, we must put up with bad +instruments to reach the ends of justice, so this rascal was useful for +his evidence and private information, and got his reward. + +But he got his reward in more ways than one. He knew that he dare not +longer remain in the country after what had taken place, and set off +directly for Dublin by the mail, intending to proceed to England; but +England he never reached. As he was proceeding down the Custom-house +quay in the dusk of the evening, to get on ship-board, his arms were +suddenly seized and drawn behind him by a powerful grasp, while a woman +in front drew a handkerchief across his mouth, and stifled his attempted +cries. His bundle was dragged from him, and the woman ransacked his +pockets but they contained but a few shillings, Larry having hidden +the wages of his treachery to his confederates in the folds of his +neck-cloth. To pluck this from his throat, many a fierce wrench was made +by the woman, when her attempts on the pockets proved worthless; but the +handkerchief was knotted so tightly that she could not disengage it. +The approach of some passengers along the quay alarmed the assailants +of Larry, who, ere the iron grip released him, heard a deep curse in +his ear growled by a voice he well knew, and then he felt himself hurled +with gigantic force from the quay wall. Before the base, cheating, +faithless scoundrel could make one exclamation, he was plunged into +the Liffey--even before one mental aspiration for mercy, he was in +the throes of suffocation! The heavy splash in the water caught the +attention of those whose approach had alarmed the murderers, and seeing +a man and woman running, a pursuit commenced, which ended by Newgate +having two fresh tenants the next day. + +And so farewell to the entire of the abominable crew, whose evil doings +and merited fates have only been recorded when it became necessary +to our story. It is better to leave the debased and the profligate in +oblivion than drag their doings before the day; and it is with happy +consciousness an Irishman may assert, that there is plenty of subject +afforded by Irish character and Irish life honourable to the land, +pleasing to the narrator, and sufficiently attractive to the reader, +without the unwholesome exaggerations of crime which too often disfigure +the fictions which pass under the title of “Irish,” alike offensive +to truth as to taste--alike injurious both for private and public +considerations. + + * * * * * + +It was in the following autumn that a particular chariot drove up to the +door of the Victoria Hotel, on the shore of Killarney lake. A young man +of elegant bearing handed a very charming young lady from the chariot; +aand that kindest and mos accommodating of hostesses, Mrs. F----, +welcomed the fresh arrival with her good-humoured and smiling face. + +Why, amidst the crowd of arrivals at the Victoria, one chariot should +be remarkable beyond another, arose from its quiet elegance, which might +strike even a casual observer; but the intelligent Mrs. F---- saw with +half an eye the owners must be high-bred people. To the apartments +already engaged for them they were shown; but few minutes were lost +within doors where such matchless natural beauty tempted them without. +A boat was immediately ordered, and then the newly arrived visitors were +soon on the lake. The boatmen had already worked hard that day, having +pulled one party completely round the lakes--no trifling task; but the +hardy fellows again bent to their oars, and made the sleeping waters +wake in golden flashes to the sunset, till told they need not pull so +hard. + +“Faith, then, we'll _plaze_ you, sir,” said the stroke-oarsman, with a +grin, “for we have had quite enough of it to-day.” + +“Do you not think, Fanny,” said Edward O'Connor, for it was he who spoke +to his bride, “Do you not think 'tis more in unison with the tranquil +hour and the coming shadows, to glide softly over the lulled waters?” + +“Yes,” she replied, “it seems almost sacrilege to disturb this heavenly +repose by the slightest dip of the oar--see how perfectly that lovely +island is reflected.” + +“That is Innisfallin, my lady,” said the boatman, hearing her allude +to the island, “where the hermitage is.” As he spoke, a gleam of light +sparkled on the island, which was reflected on the water. + +“One might think the hermit was there too,” said Fanny, “and had just +lighted a lamp for his vigils.” + +“That's the light of the guide that shows the place to the quality, my +lady, and lives on the island always in a corner of the ould ruin. +And, indeed, if you'd like to see the island this evening, there's time +enough, and 'twould be so much saved out of to-morrow.” + +The boatman's advice was acted upon, and as they glided towards the +island, Fanny and Edward gazed delightedly on the towering summits of +Magillicuddy's reeks, whose spiral pinnacles and graceful declivities +told out sharply against the golden sky behind them, which, being +perfectly reflected in the calm lake, gave a grand chain of mountain the +appearance of being suspended in glowing heather, for the lake was one +bright amber sheet of light below, and the mountains one massive barrier +of shade, till they cut against the light above. The boat touched the +shore of Innisfallin, and the delighted pair of visitants hurried to its +western point to catch the sunset, lighting with its glory the matchless +foliage of this enchanting spot, where every form of grace exhaustless +nature can display is lavished on the arborial richness of the scene, +which, in its unequalled luxuriance, gives to a fanciful beholder the +idea that the _trees themselves have a conscious pleasure in growing +there._ Oh! what a witching spot is Innisfallin! + +Edward had never seen anything so beautiful in his life; and with the +woman he adored resting on his arm, he quoted the lines which Moore has +applied to the Vale of Cashmere, as he asked Fanny would she not like to +live there. + +“Would you?” said Fanny. + +Edward answered-- + + “If woman can make the worst wilderness dear, + Think--think what a heaven she must make of Cashmere.” + +They lingered on the island till the moon arose, and then re-embarked. +The silvery light exhibited the lake under another aspect, and the dimly +discovered forms of the lofty hills rose one above another, tier upon +tier, circling the waters in their shadowy frame, the beauty of the +scene reached a point of sublimity which might be called holy. As they +returned towards the shelving strand, a long row of peeled branches, +standing upright in the water, attracted Fanny's attention, and she +asked their use. + +“All the use in life, my lady,” said the boatman, “for without the same +branches, maybe it's not home to-night you'd get.” + +On Fanny inquiring further the meaning of the boatman's answer, she +learned that the sticks were placed there to indicate the only channel +which permitted a boat to approach the shore on that side of the lake, +where the water was shoal, while in other parts the depth had never been +fathomed. + +An early excursion on the water was planned for the morning, and Edward +and Fanny were wakened from their slumbers by the tones of the bugle; a +soft Irish melody being breathed by Spillan, followed by a more sportive +one from the other minstrel of the lake, Ganzy. + +The lake now appeared under another aspect--the morning sun and morning +breeze were upon it, and the sublimity with which the shades of evening +had invested the mountains was changed to that of the most varied +richness; for Autumn hung out its gaudy banner on the lofty hills, +crowned to their summits with all variety of wood, which, though tinged +by the declining year, had scarcely shed one leafy honour. The day was +glorious, and the favouring breeze enabled the boat to career across the +sparkling lake under canvas, till the overhanging hills of the opposite +side robbed them of their aerial wings, and the sail being struck, the +boatmen bent to their oars. As they passed under a promontory, clothed +from the water's edge to its topmost ridge with the most luxuriant +vegetation, it was pointed out to the lady as “the minister's back.” + +“'T is a strange name,” said Fanny. “Do you know why it is called so?” + +“Faix, I dunna, my lady--barrin' that it is the best covered back in +the country. But here we come to the _aichos_,” said he, resting on his +oars. The example was followed by his fellows, and the bugler, lifting +his instrument to his lips, gave one long well-sustained blast. It rang +across the waters gallantly. It returned in a few seconds with such +unearthly sweetness, as though the spirit of the departed sound had +become heavenly, and revisited the place where it had expired. + +Fanny and Edward listened breathlessly. + +The bugle gave out its notes again in the well-known “call,” and as +sweetly as before the notes were returned distinctly. + +And now a soft and slow and simple melody stole from the exquisitely +played bugle, and phrase after phrase was echoed from the responding +hills. How many an emotion stirred within Edward's breast, as the +melting music fell upon his ear! In the midst of matchless beauties he +heard the matchless strains of his native land, and the echoes of her +old hills responding to the triumphs of her old bards. The air, too, +bore with it historic associations;--it told a tale of wrong and of +suffering. The wrong has ceased, the suffering is past, but the air +which records them still lives. + +“Oh! triumph of the minstrel!” exclaimed Edward in delight. “The tyrant +crumbles in his coffin, while the song of the bard survives! The memory +of a sceptred ruffian is endlessly branded by a simple strain, while +many of the elaborate chronicles of his evil life have passed away and +are mouldering like himself.” + +Scarcely had the echoes of this exquisite air died away, when the +entrancement it carried was rudely broken by one of the vulgarest tunes +being brayed from a bugle in a boat which was seen rounding the headland +of the wooded promontory. Edward and Fanny writhed, and put their hands +to their ears. “Give way, boys!” said Edward; “for pity's sake get away +from these barbarians. Give way!” + +Away sprang the boat. To the boatman's inquiry whether they should stop +at “Lady Kenmare's Cottage,” Fanny said “no,” when she found on inquiry +it was a particularly “show-place,” being certain the vulgar party +following _would_ stop there, and therefore time might be gained in +getting away from such disagreeable followers. + +Dinas Island, fringed with its lovely woods, excited their admiration, +as they passed underneath its shadows, and turned into Turk Lake; here +the labyrinthine nature of the channels through which they had been +winding was changed for a circular expanse of water, over which the +lofty mountain, whence it takes its name, towers in all its wild beauty +of wood, and rock, and heath. + +At a certain part of the lake, the boatmen, without any visible cause, +rested on their oars. On Edward asking them why they did not pull, he +received this touching answer:-- + +“Sure, your honour would not have us disturb Ned Macarthy's grave!” + +“Then a boatman was drowned here, I suppose?” said Edward. + +“Yes, your honour.” The boatman then told how the accident occurred “one +day when there was a stag-hunt on the lake;” but as the anecdote struck +Edward so forcibly that he afterwards recorded it in verse, we will give +the story after his fashion. + +MACARTHY'S GRAVE + +I + + The breeze was fresh, the morn was fair, + The stag had left his dewy lair; + To cheering horn and baying tongue, + Killarney's echoes sweetly rung. + With sweeping oar and bending mast, + The eager chase was following fast; + When one light skiff a maiden steer'd + Beneath the deep wave disappeared: + Wild shouts of terror wildly ring, + A boatman brave, with gallant spring + And dauntless arm, the lady bore; + But he who saved--was seen no more! + +II + + Where weeping birches wildly wave, + There boatmen show their brother's grave; + And while they tell the name he bore, + Suspended hangs the lifted oar; + The silent drops they idly shed + Seem like tears to gallant Ned; + And while gently gliding by, + The tale is told with moistened eye. + No ripple on the slumbering lake + Unhallow'd oar doth ever make; + All undisturb'd, the placid wave + Flows gently o'er Macarthy's grave. + +Winding backwards through the channels which lead the explorers of this +scene of nature's enchantment from the lower to the upper lake, the +surpassing beauty of the “Eagle's nest” burst on their view; and as +they hovered under its stupendous crags, clustering with all variety of +verdure, the bugle and the cannon awoke the almost endless reverberation +of sound which is engendered here. Passing onward, a sudden change is +wrought; the soft beauty melts gradually away, and the scene hardens +into frowning rocks and steep acclivities, making a befitting vestibule +to the bold and bleak precipices of “The Reeks,” which form the western +barrier of this upper lake, whose savage grandeur is rendered more +striking by the scenes of fairy-like beauty left behind. But even here, +in the midst of the mightiest desolation, the vegetative vigour of the +numerous islands proves the wondrous productiveness of the soil in these +regions. + +On their return, a great commotion was observable as they approached the +rapids formed by the descending waters of the upper lake to the lower, +and they were hailed and warned by some of the peasants from the shore +that they must not attempt the rapids at present, as a boat, which had +just been upset, lay athwart the passage. On hearing this, Edward and +Fanny landed upon the falls, and walked towards the old bridge, where +all was bustle and confusion, as the dripping passengers were dragged +safely to shore from the capsized boat, which had been upset by the +principal gentleman of the party, whose vulgar trumpetings had so +disturbed the delight of Edward and Fanny, who soon recognised the +renowned Andy as the instigator of the bad music and the cause of the +accident. Yes, Lord Scatterbrain, true to his original practice, was +author of all. + +Nevertheless, he and his party, soused over head and ears as they +were, took the thing in good humour, which was unbroken even by the +irrepressible laughter which escaped from Edward and Fanny, as they +approached and kindly offered assistance. An immediate removal to the +neighbouring cottage on Dinas Island was recommended, particularly as +Lady Scatterbrain was in a delicate situation, as well, indeed, as Mrs. +Durfy, who, with her dear Tom, had joined Lord Scatterbrain's party of +pleasure. + +On reaching the cottage, sufficient change of clothes was obtained +to prevent evil consequences from the ducking. This, under ordinary +circumstances, might not have been easy for so many; but, fortunately, +Lord Scatterbrain had ordered a complete dinner from the hotel to be +served in the cottage, and some of the assistants from the Victoria, +who were necessarily present, helped to dress more than the dinner. What +between cookmaids and waiters, the care-taker of the cottage and the +boatmen, bodies, and skirts, jackets and other conveniences, enabled +the party to sit down to dinner in company, until fire could mend the +mistake of his lordship. Edward and Fanny courteously joined the party; +and the honour of their company was sensibly felt by Andy and Oonah, +who would have borne a ducking a day for the honour of having Fanny and +Edward as their guests. Oonah was by nature a nice creature, and adapted +herself to her elevated position with a modest ease that was surprising. +Even Andy was by this time able to conduct himself tolerably well at +table--only on that particular day he did make a mistake; for when +salmon (which is served at Killarney in all sorts of variety) made its +appearance for the first time in the novel form “_en papillote_,” + Andy ate paper and all. He refused a second cutlet, however, saying he +“_thought the skin tough_.” The party, however, passed off mirthfully, +the very accident helping the fun; for, instead of any one being called +by name, the “lady in the jacket,” or the “gentleman in the bedgown,” + were the terms of address; and, after a merrily spent evening, the beds +of the Victoria gave sleep and pleasing dreams to the sojourners of +Killarney. + +[Illustration: The Party at Killarney] + +Kind reader! the shortening space we have prescribed to our volume warns +us we must draw our story to an end. Nine months after this Killarney +excursion, Lord Scatterbrain met Dick Dawson near Mount Eskar, where +Lord Scatterbrain had ridden to make certain inquiries about Mrs. +O'Connor's health. Dick wore a smiling countenance, and to Andy's +inquiry answered, “All right, and doing as well as can be expected.” + +Lord Scatterbrain, wishing to know whether it was a boy or a girl, made +the inquiry in the true spirit of Andyism--“Tell me, Misther Dawson, +_are you an uncle or an aunt?_” + +Andy's mother died soon after of the cold caught by her ducking. On her +death-bed she called Oonah to her, and said, “I leave you this quilt, +_alanna_--'t is worth more than it appears. The hundred-pound notes Andy +gave me I quilted into the lining, so that if I lived poor all my life +till lately, I died under a quilt of banknotes, anyhow.” + +Uncle Bob was gathered to his fathers also, and left the bulk of his +property to Augusta, so that Furlong had to regret his contemptible +conduct in rejecting her hand. Augusta indulged in a spite to all +mankind for the future, enjoying her dogs and her independence, and +defying Hymen and hydrophobia for the rest of her life. + +Gusty went on profiting by the early care of Edward O'Connor, whose +friendship was ever his dearest possession; and Ratty, always wild, +expressed a desire for leading a life of enterprise. As they are both +“Irish heirs,” as well as Lord Scatterbrain, and heirs under very +different circumstances, it is not improbable that in our future +“accounts” something may yet be heard of them, and the grateful author +once more meet his kind readers. + +THE END + + + + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's Handy Andy, Volume 2 (of 2), by Samuel Lover + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK HANDY ANDY, VOLUME 2 (OF 2) *** + +***** This file should be named 7180-0.txt or 7180-0.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/7/1/8/7180/ + +Produced by Charles Franks and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Handy Andy, Volume 2 (of 2) + A Tale of Irish Life + +Author: Samuel Lover + + +Release Date: December, 2004 [EBook #7180] +This file was first posted on March 22, 2003 +Last Updated: June 12, 2013 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK HANDY ANDY, VOLUME 2 (OF 2) *** + + + + +Produced by Charles Franks and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team + + + + + + + + +HANDY ANDY + +A Tale of Irish Life + +In Two Volumes--Volume Two + +The Collected Writings Of Samuel Lover (V. 4) + +[Illustration: Tom Organ Loftus' Coldairian System] + +[Illustration: Tom Connor's Cat] + + + + +LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS VOLUME TWO + + +Tom Organ Loftus' Coldairian System + +Tom Connor's Cat + +Andy's Cooking Extraordinary + +Tom Organ Loftus and the Duke + +The Abduction + +A Crack Shot + +The Challenge + +The Party at Killarney + +_Etched by W. H. W. Bicknell from drawings by Samuel Lover_ + + + + +CHAPTER XXII + + +The night was pitch dark, and on rounding the adjacent corner no vehicle +could be seen; but a peculiar whistle from Dick was answered by the +sound of approaching wheels and the rapid footfalls of a horse, mingled +with the light rattle of a smart gig. On the vehicle coming up, Dick +took his little mare, that was blacker than the night, by the head, the +apron of the gig was thrown down, and out jumped a smart servant-boy. + +"You have the horse ready, too, Billy?" + +"Yis, sir," said Billy, touching his hat. + +"Then follow, and keep up with me, remember." + +"Yis, sir." + +"Come to her head, here," and he patted the little mare's neck as he +spoke with a caressing "whoa," which was answered by a low neigh of +satisfaction, while the impatient pawing of her fore foot showed the +animal's desire to start. "What an impatient little devil she is," said +Dick, as he mounted the gig; "I'll get in first, Murphy, as I'm going +to drive. Now up with you--hook on the apron--that's it--are you all +right?" + +"Quite," said Murphy. + +"Then you be into your saddle and after us, Billy," said Dick; "and now +let her go." + +Billy gave the little black mare her head, and away she went, at a +slapping pace, the fire from the road answering the rapid strokes of +her nimble feet. The servant then mounted a horse which was tied to +a neighbouring palisade, and had to gallop for it to come up with his +master, who was driving with a swiftness almost fearful, considering the +darkness of the night and the narrowness of the road he had to traverse, +for he was making the best of his course by cross-ways to an adjacent +roadside inn, where some non-resident electors were expected to arrive +that night by a coach from Dublin; for the county town had every nook +and cranny occupied, and this inn was the nearest point where they could +get any accommodation. + +Now don't suppose that they were electors whom Murphy and Dick in their +zeal for their party were going over to greet with hearty welcomes and +bring up to the poll the next day. By no means. They were the friends +of the opposite party, and it was with the design of retarding their +movements that this night's excursion was undertaken. These electors +were a batch of plain citizens from Dublin, whom the Scatterbrain +interest had induced to leave the peace and quiet of the city to tempt +the wilds of the country at that wildest of times--during a contested +election; and a night coach was freighted inside and out with the worthy +cits, whose aggregate voices would be of immense importance the next +day; for the contest was close, the county nearly polled out, and +but two days more for the struggle. Now, to intercept these plain +unsuspecting men was the object of Murphy, whose well-supplied +information had discovered to him this plan of the enemy, which he set +about countermining. As they rattled over the rough by-roads, many a +laugh did the merry attorney and the untameable Dick the Devil exchange, +as the probable success of their scheme was canvassed, and fresh +expedients devised to meet the possible impediments which might +interrupt them. As they topped a hill Murphy pointed out to his +companion a moving light in the plain beneath. + +"That's the coach, Dick--there are the lamps, we're just in time--spin +down the hill, my boy--let me get in as they're at supper, and 'faith +they'll want it, after coming off a coach such a night as this, to say +nothing of some of them being aldermen in expectancy perhaps, and of +course obliged to play trencher-men as often as they can, as a requisite +rehearsal for the parts they must hereafter fill." + +In fifteen minutes more Dick pulled up before a small cabin within a +quarter of a mile of the inn, and the mounted servant tapped at the +door, which was immediately opened, and a peasant, advancing to the gig, +returned the civil salutation with which Dick greeted his approach. + +"I wanted to be sure you were ready, Barny." + +"Oh, do you think I'd fail you, Misther Dick, your honour?" + +"I thought you might be asleep, Barny." + +"Not when you bid me wake, sir; and there's a nice fire ready for you, +and as fine a dhrop o' _potteen_ as ever tickled your tongue, sir." + +"You're the lad, Barny!--good fellow--I'll be back with you by-and-by;" +and off whipped Dick again. + +After going about a quarter of a mile further, he pulled up, alighted +with Murphy from the gig, unharnessed the little black mare, and then +overturned the gig into the ditch. + +"That's as natural as life," said Dick. + +"What an escape of my neck I've had!" said Murphy. + +"Are you much hurt?" said Dick. + +"A trifle lame only," said Murphy, laughing and limping. + +"There was a great _boccagh_ [Footnote: Lame beggar.] lost in you, +Murphy. Wait; let me rub a handful of mud on your face--there--you have +a very upset look, 'pon my soul," said Dick, as he flashed the light of +his lantern on him for a moment, and laughed at Murphy scooping the mud +out of his eye, where Dick had purposely planted it. + +"Devil take you," said Murtough; "that's too natural." + +"There's nothing like looking your part," said Dick. + +"Well, I may as well complete my attire," said Murtough, so he lay down +in the road and took a roll in the mud; "that will do," said he; "and +now, Dick, go back to Barny and the mountain dew, while I storm the +camp of the Philistines. I think in a couple of hours you may be on the +look-out for me; I'll signal you from the window, so now good bye;" +and Murphy, leading the mare, proceeded to the inn, while Dick, with a +parting "Luck to you, my boy," turned back to the cottage of Barny. + +The coach had set down six inside and ten out passengers (all voters) +about ten minutes before Murphy marched up to the inn door, leading the +black mare, and calling "ostler" most lustily. His call being answered +for "the beast," "the man" next demanded attention; and the landlord +wondered all the wonders he could cram into a short speech, at seeing +Misther Murphy, sure, at such a time; and the sonsy landlady, too, +was all lamentations for his illigant coat and his poor eye, sure, all +ruined with the mud:--and what was it at all? an upset, was it? oh, +wirra! and wasn't it lucky he wasn't killed, and they without a spare +bed to lay him out dacent if he was--sure, wouldn't it be horrid for his +body to be only on sthraw in the barn, instead of the best feather-bed +in the house; and, indeed, he'd be welcome to it, only the gintlemen +from town had them all engaged. + +"Well, dead or alive, I must stay here to-night, Mrs. Kelly, at all +events." + +"And what will you do for a bed?" + +"A shake down in the parlour, or a stretch on a sofa, will do; my gig is +stuck fast in a ditch--my mare tired--ten miles from home--cold night, +and my knee hurt." Murphy limped as he spoke. + +"Oh! your poor knee," said Mrs. Kelly; "I'll put a dhrop o' whisky and +brown paper on it, sure--" + +"And what gentlemen are these, Mrs. Kelly, who have so filled your +house?" + +"Gintlemen that came by the coach a while agone, and supping in the +parlour now, sure." + +"Would you give my compliments, and ask would they allow me, under the +present peculiar circumstances, to join them? and in the meantime, send +somebody down the road to take the cushions out of my gig; for there is +no use in attempting to get the gig out till morning." + +"Sartinly, Misther Murphy, we'll send for the cushions; but as for the +gentlemen, they are all on the other side." + +"What other side?" + +"The Honourable's voters, sure." + +"Pooh! is that all?" said Murphy,--"I don't mind that, I've no objection +on that account; besides, _they_ need not know who _I_ am," and he gave +the landlord a knowing wink, to which the landlord as knowingly returned +another. + +The message to the gentlemen was delivered, and Murphy was immediately +requested to join their party; this was all he wanted, and he played off +his powers of diversion on the innocent citizens so successfully, that +before supper was half over they thought themselves in luck to have +fallen in with such a chance acquaintance. Murphy fired away jokes, +repartees, anecdotes, and country gossip, to their delight; and when the +eatables were disposed of, he started them on the punch-drinking tack +afterwards so cleverly, that he hoped to see three parts of them tipsy +before they retired to rest. + +"Do you feel your knee better now, sir?" asked one of the party, of +Murphy. + +"Considerably, thank you; whisky punch, sir, is about the best cure for +bruises or dislocations a man can take." + +"I doubt that, sir," said a little matter-of-fact man, who had now +interposed his reasonable doubts for the twentieth time during Murphy's +various extravagant declarations, and the interruption only made Murphy +romance the more. + +"_You_ speak of your fiery _Dublin_ stuff, sir; but our country whisky +is as mild as milk, and far more wholesome; then, sir, our fine air +alone would cure half the complaints without a grain of physic." + +"I doubt that, sir!" said the little man. + +"I assure you, sir, a friend of my own from town came down here last +spring on crutches, and from merely following a light whisky diet and +sleeping with his window open, he was able to dance at the race ball in +a fortnight; as for this knee of mine, it's a trifle, though it was a +bad upset too." + +"How did it happen, sir? Was it your horse--or your harness--or your +gig--or--" + +"None o' them, sir; it was a _Banshee_." + +"A Banshee!" said the little man; "what's that?" + +"A peculiar sort of supernatural creature that is common here, sir. She +was squatted down on one side of the road, and my mare shied at her, +and being a spirited little thing, she attempted to jump the ditch and +missed it in the dark." + +"Jump a ditch, with a gig after her, sir?" said the little man. + +"Oh, common enough to do that here, sir; she'd have done it easy in the +daylight, but she could not measure her distance in the dark, and bang +she went into the ditch: but it's a trifle, after all. I am generally +run over four or five times a year." + +"And you alive to tell it!" said the little man, incredulously. + +"It's hard to kill us here, sir, we are used to accidents." + +"Well, the worst accident I ever heard of," said one of the citizens, +"happened to a friend of mine, who went to visit a friend of his on a +Sunday, and all the family happened to be at church; so on driving into +the yard there was no one to take his horse, therefore he undertook +the office of ostler himself, but being unused to the duty, he most +incautiously took off the horse's bridle before unyoking him from his +gig, and the animal, making a furious plunge forward--my friend being +before him at the time--the shaft of the gig was driven through his +body, and into the coach-house gate behind him, and stuck so fast that +the horse could not drag it out after; and in this dreadful situation +they remained until the family returned from church, and saw the awful +occurrence. A servant was despatched for a doctor, and the shaft was +disengaged, and drawn out of the man's body--just at the pit of the +stomach; he was laid on a bed, and every one thought of course he must +die at once, but he didn't; and the doctor came next day, and he wasn't +dead--did what he could for him--and, to make a long story short, sir, +the man recovered." + +"Pooh! pooh!" said the diminutive doubter. + +"It's true," said the narrator. + +"I make no doubt of it, sir," said Murphy; "I know a more extraordinary +case of recovery myself." + +"I beg your pardon, sir," said the cit; "I have not finished my story +yet, for the most extraordinary part of the story remains to be told; +my friend, sir, was a very sickly man before the accident happened--a +_very_ sickly man, and after that accident he became a hale healthy man. +What do you think of that, sir?" + +"It does not surprise me in the least, sir," said Murphy; "I can account +for it readily." + +"Well, sir, I never heard It accounted for, though I know it to be true; +I should like to hear how you account for it?" + +"Very simply, sir," said Murphy; "don't you perceive the man discovered +a _mine_ of health by a _shaft_ being sunk in the _pit_ of his stomach?" + +Murphy's punning solution of the cause of cure was merrily received by +the company, whose critical taste was not of that affected nature +which despises _jeu de mots_, and _will not_ be satisfied under a _jeu +d'esprit_; the little doubting man alone refused to be pleased. + +"I doubt the value of a pun always, sir. Dr. Johnson said, sir--" + +"I know," said Murphy; "that the man who would make a pun would pick +a pocket; that's old, sir,--but is dearly remembered by all those who +cannot make puns themselves." + +"Exactly," said one of the party they called Wiggins. "It is the old +story of the fox and the grapes. Did you ever hear, sir, the story of +the fox and the grapes? The fox one day was--" + +"Yes, yes," said Murphy, who, fond of absurdity as he was, could _not_ +stand the fox and the grapes by way of something new. + +"They're sour, said the fox." + +"Yes," said Murphy, "a capital story." + +"Oh, them fables is so good!" said Wiggins. + +"All nonsense!" said the diminutive contradictor. + +"Nonsense, nothing but nonsense; the ridiculous stuff of birds and +beasts speaking! As if any one could believe such stuff." + +"I do--firmly--for one," said Murphy. + +"You do?" said the little man. + +"I do--and do you know why?" + +"I cannot indeed conceive," said the little man, with a bitter grin. + +"It is, sir, because I myself know a case that occurred in this very +country of a similar nature." + +"Do you want to make me believe you knew a fox that spoke, sir?" said +the mannikin, almost rising into anger. + +"Many, sir," said Murphy, "many." + +"Well! after that!" said the little man. + +"But the case I immediately allude to is not of a fox, but a cat," said +Murphy. + +"A cat? Oh, yes--to be sure--a cat speak, indeed!" said the little +gentleman. + +"It is a fact, sir," said Murphy; "and if the company would not object +to my relating the story, I will state the particulars." + +The proposal was received with acclamation; and Murphy, in great +enjoyment of the little man's annoyance, cleared his throat, and made +all the preparatory demonstrations of a regular _raconteur_; but, before +he began, he recommended the gentlemen to mix fresh tumblers all round +that they might have nothing to do but listen and drink silently. "For +of all things in the world," said Murtough, "I hate a song or a story to +be interrupted by the rattle of spoons." + +They obeyed; and while they are mixing their punch, we will just turn +over a fresh page, and devote a new Chapter to the following + +MARVELLOUS LEGEND + + + + +CHAPTER XXIII + +MURTOUGH MURPHY'S STORY; BEING YE MARVELLOUS LEGEND OF TOM CONNOR'S CAT + + +"There was a man in these parts, sir, you must know, called Tom Connor, +and he had a cat that was equal to any dozen of rat-traps, and he was +proud of the baste, and with rayson; for she was worth her weight in +goold to him in saving his sacks of meal from the thievery of the rats +and mice; for Tom was an extensive dealer in corn, and influenced the +rise and fall of that article in the market, to the extent of a full +dozen of sacks at a time, which he either kept or sold, as the spirit +of free trade or monopoly came over him. Indeed, at one time, Tom had +serious thoughts of applying to the government for a military force to +protect his granary when there was a threatened famine in the county." + +"Pooh! pooh! sir," said the matter-of-fact little man: "as if a dozen +sacks could be of the smallest consequence in a whole county--pooh! +pooh!" + +"Well, sir," said Murphy, "I can't help if you don't believe; but it's +truth what I am telling you, and pray don't interrupt me, though you +may not believe; by the time the story's done you'll have heard more +wonderful things than _that_,--and besides, remember you're a stranger +in these parts, and have no notion of the extraordinary things, +physical, metaphysical, and magical, which constitute the idiosyncrasy +of rural destiny." + +The little man did not know the meaning of Murphy's last sentence--nor +Murphy either; but, having stopped the little man's throat with big +words, he proceeded-- + +"This cat, sir, you must know, was a great pet, and was so up to +everything, that Tom swore she was a'most like a Christian, only she +couldn't speak, and had so sensible a look in her eyes, that he was +sartin sure the cat knew every word that was said to her. Well, she used +to sit by him at breakfast every morning, and the eloquent cock of her +tail, as she used to rub against his leg, said, 'Give me some milk, Tom +Connor,' as plain as print, and the plenitude of her purr afterwards +spoke a gratitude beyond language. Well, one morning, Tom was going to +the neighbouring town to market, and he had promised the wife to bring +home shoes to the childre' out o' the price of the corn; and sure +enough, before he sat down to breakfast, there was Tom taking the +measure of the children's feet, by cutting notches on a bit of stick; +and the wife gave him so many cautions about getting a 'nate fit' for +'Billy's purty feet,' that Tom, in his anxiety to nick the closest +possible measure, cut off the child's toe. That disturbed the harmony of +the party, and Tom was obliged to breakfast alone, while the mother was +endeavouring to cure Billy; in short, trying to make a _heal_ of his +_toe_. Well, sir, all the time Tom was taking measure for the shoes, the +cat was observing him with that luminous peculiarity of eye for which +her tribe is remarkable; and when Tom sat down to breakfast the cat +rubbed up against him more vigorously than usual; but Tom, being +bewildered between his expected gain in corn and the positive loss of +his child's toe, kept never minding her, until the cat, with a sort of +caterwauling growl, gave Tom a dab of her claws, that went clean through +his leathers, and a little further. 'Wow!' says Tom, with a jump, +clapping his hand on the part, and rubbing it, 'by this and that, +you drew the blood out o' me,' says Tom; 'you wicked divil--tish!--go +along!' says he, making a kick at her. With that the cat gave a +reproachful look at him, and her eyes glared just like a pair of +mail-coach lamps in a fog. With that, sir, the cat, with a mysterious +_'mi-ow'_ fixed a most penetrating glance on Tom, and distinctly uttered +his name. + +"Tom felt every hair on his head as stiff as a pump-handle; and scarcely +crediting his ears, he returned a searching look at the cat, who very +quietly proceeded in a sort of nasal twang-- + +"'Tom Connor,' says she. + +"'The Lord be good to me!' says Tom, 'if it isn't spakin' she is!' + +"'Tom Connor,' says she again. + +"'Yes, ma'am,' says Tom. + +"'Come here,' says she; 'whisper--I want to talk to you, Tom,' says +she, 'the laste taste in private,' says she--rising on her hams, and +beckoning him with her paw out o' the door, with a wink and a toss o' +the head aiqual to a milliner. + +"Well, as you may suppose, Tom didn't know whether he was on his head +or his heels, but he followed the cat, and off she went and squatted +herself under the edge of a little paddock at the back of Tom's house; +and as he came round the corner, she held up her paw again, and laid it +on her mouth, as much as to say, 'Be cautious, Tom.' Well, divil a word +Tom could say at all, with the fright, so up he goes to the cat, and +says she-- + +"'Tom,' says she, 'I have a great respect for you, and there's something +I must tell you, becase you're losing character with your neighbours,' +says she, 'by your goin's on,' says she, 'and it's out o' the respect +that I have for you, that I must tell you,' says she. + +"'Thank you, ma'am,' says Tom. + +"'You're goin' off to the town,' says she, 'to buy shoes for the +childre',' says she, 'and never thought o' gettin' me a pair.' + +"'You!' says Tom." + +"'Yis, me, Tom Connor,' says she; 'and the neighbours wondhers that +a respectable man like you allows your cat to go about the counthry +barefutted,' says she." + +"'Is it a cat to ware shoes?' says Tom." + +"'Why not?' says she; 'doesn't horses ware shoes?--and I have a prettier +foot than a horse, I hope,' says she, with a toss of her head." + +"'Faix, she spakes like a woman; so proud of her feet,' says Tom to +himself, astonished, as you may suppose, but pretending never to think +it remarkable all the time; and so he went on discoursin'; and says he, +'It's thrue for you, ma'am,' says he, 'that horses wares shoes--but that +stands to rayson, ma'am, you see--seeing the hardship their feet has to +go through on the hard roads.'" + +"'And how do you know what hardship my feet has to go through?' says the +cat, mighty sharp." + +"'But, ma'am,' says Tom, 'I don't well see how you could fasten a shoe +on you,' says he." + +"'Lave that to me,' says the cat." + +"'Did any one ever stick walnut shells on you, pussy?' says Tom, with a +grin." + +"'Don't be disrespectful, Tom Connor,' says the cat, with a frown." + +"'I ax your pard'n, ma'am,' says he, 'but as for the horses you wor +spakin' about wearin' shoes, you know their shoes is fastened on with +nails, and how would your shoes be fastened on?'" + +"'Ah, you stupid thief!' says she, 'haven't I illigant nails o' my own?' +and with that she gave him a dab of her claw, that made him roar." + +"'Ow! murdher!' says he." + +"'Now, no more of your palaver, Misther Connor,' says the cat; 'just be +off and get me the shoes.'" + +"'Tare an' ouns!' says Tom, 'what'll become o' me if I'm to get shoes +for my cats?' says he, 'for you increase your family four times a year, +and you have six or seven every time,' says he; 'and then you must all +have two pair a piece--wirra! wirra!--I'll be ruined in shoe-leather,' +says Tom. + +"'No more o' your stuff,' says the cat; 'don't be stand in' here undher +the hedge talkin', or we'll lose our karacthers--for I've remarked your +wife is jealous, Tom.' + +"'Pon my sowl, that's thrue,' says Tom, with a smirk. + +"'More fool she,' says the cat, 'for, 'pon my conscience, Tom, you're as +ugly as if you wor bespoke.' + +"Off ran the cat with these words, leaving Tom in amazement. He said +nothing to the family, for fear of fright'ning them, and off he went to +the _town_ as he _pretended_--for he saw the cat watching him through +a hole in the hedge; but when he came to a turn at the end of the road, +the dickings a mind he minded the market, good or bad, but went off to +Squire Botherum's, the magisthrit, to sware examinations agen the cat." + +"Pooh! pooh!--nonsense!!" broke in the little man, who had listened thus +far to Murtough with an expression of mingled wonder and contempt, +while the rest of the party willingly gave up the reins to nonsense, +and enjoyed Murtough's Legend and their companion's more absurd common +sense. + +"Don't interrupt him, Goggins," said Mister Wiggins. + +"How can you listen to such nonsense?" returned Goggins. "Swear +examinations against a cat, indeed! pooh! pooh!" + +"My dear sir," said Murtough, "remember this is a fair story, and that +the country all around here is full of enchantment. As I was telling +you, Tom went off to swear examinations." + +"Ay, ay!" shouted all but Goggins; "go on with the story." + +"And when Tom was asked to relate the events of the morning, which +brought him before Squire Botherum, his brain was so bewildered between +his corn, and his cat, and his child's toe, that he made a very confused +account of it. + +"'Begin your story from the beginning,' said the magistrate to Tom. + +"'Well, your honour,' says Tom, 'I was goin' to market this mornin', to +sell the child's corn--I beg your pard'n--my own toes, I mane, sir.' + +"'Sell your toes!' said the Squire. + +"'No, sir, takin' the cat to market, I mane--' + +"'Take a cat to market!' said the Squire. 'You're drunk, man.' + +"'No, your honour, only confused a little; for when the toes began to +spake to me--the cat, I mane--I was bothered clane--' + +"'The cat speak to you!' said the Squire. 'Phew! worse than +before--you're drunk, Tom.' + +"'No, your honour; it's on the strength of the cat I come to spake to +you--' + +"'I think it's on the strength of a pint of whisky, Tom--' + +"'By the vartue o' my oath, your honour, it's nothin' but the cat.' And +so Tom then told him all about the affair, and the Squire was regularly +astonished. Just then the bishop of the diocese and the priest of the +parish happened to call in, and heard the story; and the bishop and the +priest had a tough argument for two hours on the subject; the former +swearing she must be a witch; but the priest denying _that_, and +maintaining she was _only_ enchanted; and that part of the argument was +afterwards referred to the primate, and subsequently to the conclave at +Rome; but the Pope declined interfering about cats, saying he had quite +enough to do minding his own bulls. + +"'In the meantime, what are we to do with the cat?' says Botherum. + +"'Burn her,' says the bishop, 'she's a witch.' + +"_Only_ enchanted,' said the priest--'and the ecclesiastical court +maintains that--' + +"'Bother the ecclesiastical court!' said the magistrate; 'I can only +proceed on the statutes;' and with that he pulled down all the law-books +in his library, and hunted the laws from Queen Elizabeth down, and he +found that they made laws against everything in Ireland, _except a cat_. +The devil a thing escaped them but a cat, which did _not_ come within +the meaning of any act of parliament:--_the cats only had escaped_. + +"'There's the alien act, to be sure,' said the magistrate, 'and perhaps +she's a French spy, in disguise.' + +"'She spakes like a French spy, sure enough,' says Tom; 'and she was +missin', I remember, all last Spy-Wednesday.' + +"'That's suspicious,' says the squire--'but conviction might be +difficult; and I have a fresh idea,' says Botherum. + +"''Faith, it won't keep fresh long, this hot weather,' says Tom; 'so +your honour had betther make use of it at wanst.' + +"'Right,' says Botherum,--'we'll make her subject to the game laws; +we'll hunt her,' says he. + +"'Ow!--elegant!' says Tom;--'we'll have a brave run out of her.' + +"'Meet me at the cross roads,' says the Squire, 'in the morning, and +I'll have the hounds ready.' + +"'Well, off Tom went home; and he was racking his brain what excuse he +could make to the cat for not bringing the shoes; and at last he hit one +off, just as he saw her cantering up to him, half-a-mile before he got +home. + +"'Where's the shoes, Tom?' says she. + +"'I have not got them to-day, ma'am,' says he. + +"'Is that the way you keep your promise, Tom?' says she;--'I'll tell you +what it is, Tom--I'll tare the eyes out o' the childre' if you don't get +me shoes.' + +"'Whisht! whisht!' says Tom, frightened out of his life for his +children's eyes. 'Don't be in a passion, pussy. The shoemaker said he +had not a shoe in his shop, nor a last that would make one to fit +you; and he says, I must bring you into the town for him to take your +measure.' + +"'And when am I to go?' says the cat, looking savage. + +"'To-morrow,' says Tom. + +"'It's well you said that, Tom,' said the cat, 'or the devil an eye I'd +leave in your family this night'--and off she hopped. + +"Tom thrimbled at the wicked look she gave. + +"'Remember!' says she, over the hedge, with a bitter caterwaul. + +"'Never fear,' says Tom. Well, sure enough, the next mornin' there was +the cat at cock-crow, licking herself as nate as a new pin, to go into +the town, and out came Tom with a bag undher his arm, and the cat afther +him. + +"'Now git into this, and I'll carry you into the town,' says Tom, +opening the bag. + +"'Sure I can walk with you,' says the cat. + +"'Oh, that wouldn't do,' says Tom; 'the people in the town is curious +and slandherous people, and sure it would rise ugly remarks if I was +seen with a cat afther me:--a dog is a man's companion by nature, but +cats does not stand to rayson.' + +"Well, the cat, seeing there was no use in argument, got into the bag, +and off Tom set to the cross roads with the bag over his shoulder, and +he came up, _quite innocent-like_, to the corner, where the Squire, and +his huntsman, and the hounds, and a pack o' people were waitin'. Out +came the Squire on a sudden, just as if it was all by accident. + +"'God save you, Tom,' says he. + +"'God save you kindly, sir,' says Tom. + +"'What's that bag you have at your back?' says the Squire. + +"'Oh, nothin' at all, sir,' says Tom--makin' a face all the time, as +much as to say, I have her safe. + +"'Oh, there's something in that bag, I think,' says the Squire; 'and you +must let me see it.' + +"'If you bethray me, Tom Connor,' says the cat in a low voice, 'by this +and that I'll never spake to you again!' + +"'Pon my honour, sir,' said Tom, with a wink and a twitch of his thumb +towards the bag, 'I haven't anything in it.' + +"'I have been missing my praties of late,' says the Squire; 'and I'd +just like to examine that bag,' says he. + +"'Is it doubting my charackther you'd be, sir?' says Tom, pretending to +be in a passion. + +"'Tom, your sowl!' says the voice in the sack, '_if you let the cat out +of the bag_, I'll murther you.' + +"'An honest man would make no objection to be sarched,' said the +Squire; 'and I insist on it,' says he, laying hold o' the bag, and Tom +purtending to fight all the time; but, my jewel! before two minutes, +they shook the cat out o' the bag, sure enough, and off she went with +her tail as big as a sweeping brush, and the Squire, with a thundering +view halloo after her, clapt the dogs at her heels, and away they went +for the bare life. Never was there seen such running as that day--the +cat made for a shaking bog, the loneliest place in the whole country, +and there the riders were all thrown out, barrin' the huntsman, who had +a web-footed horse on purpose for soft places; and the priest, whose +horse could go anywhere by reason of the priest's blessing; and, sure +enough, the huntsman and his riverence stuck to the hunt like wax; and +just as the cat got on the border of the bog, they saw her give a twist +as the foremost dog closed with her, for he gave her a nip in the flank. +Still she went on, however, and headed them well, towards an old mud +cabin in the middle of the bog, and there they saw her jump in at the +window, and up came the dogs the next minit, and gathered round +the house with the most horrid howling ever was heard. The huntsman +alighted, and went into the house to turn the cat out again, when what +should he see but an old hag lying in bed in the corner? + +"'Did you see a cat come in here?' says he. + +"'Oh, no--o--o--o!' squealed the old hag, in a trembling voice; 'there's +no cat here,' says she. + +"'Yelp, yelp, yelp!' went the dogs outside. + +"'Oh, keep the dogs out o' this,' says the old hag--'oh--o--o--o!' and +the huntsman saw her eyes glare under the blanket, just like a cat's. + +"'Hillo!' says the huntsman, pulling down the blanket--and what should +he see but the old hag's flank all in a gore of blood. + +"'Ow, ow! you old divil--is it you? you ould cat!' says he, opening the +door. + +"In rushed the dogs--up jumped the old hag, and changing into a cat +before their eyes, out she darted through the window again, and made +another run for it; but she couldn't escape, and the dogs gobbled her +while you could say 'Jack Robinson.' But the most remarkable part of +this extraordinary story, gentlemen, is, that the pack was ruined from +that day out; for after having eaten the enchanted cat, _the devil a +thing they would ever hunt afterwards but mice._" + + + + +CHAPTER XXIV + + +Murphy's story was received with acclamation by all but the little man. + +"That is all a pack of nonsense," said he. + +"Well, you're welcome to it, sir," said Murphy, "and if I had greater +nonsense you should have it; but seriously, sir, I again must beg you +to remember that the country all around here abounds in enchantment; +scarcely a night passes without some fairy frolic; but, however you +may doubt the wonderful fact of the cat speaking, I wonder you are not +impressed with the points of moral in which the story abounds--" + +"Fiddlestick!" said the miniature snarler. + +"First, the little touch about the corn monopoly [1]--then maternal +vanity chastised by the loss of the child's toe--then Tom's familiarity +with his cat, showing the danger arising from a man making too free with +his female domestics--the historical point about the penal laws--the +fatal results of letting the cat out o' the bag, with the curious final +fact in natural history." + +[1][Footnote: Handy Andy was written when the "vexed question" of the +"Corn Laws" was the all-absorbing subject of discussion.] + +"It's all nonsense," said the little man, "and I am ashamed of myself +for being such a fool as to sit--alistening to such stuff instead of +going to bed, after the fatigue of my journey and the necessity of +rising early to-morrow, to be in good time at the polling." + +"Oh! then you're going to the election, sir?" said Murphy. + +"Yes, sir--there's some sense in _that_--and _you_, gentlemen, remember +we must be _all_ up early--and I recommend you to follow my example." + +The little man rang the bell--the bootjack and slippers were called for, +and, after some delay, a very sleepy-looking _gossoon_ entered with a +bootjack under his arm, but no slippers. + +"Didn't I say slippers?" said the little man. + +"You did, sir." + +"Where are they, sir?" + +"The masther says there isn't any, if you plaze, sir." + +"No slippers! and you call this an inn? Oh!--well, 'what can't be cured +must be endured'--hold me the bootjack, sir." + +The gossoon obeyed--the little man inserted his heel in the cleft, but, +on attempting to pull his foot from the boot, he nearly went heels over +head backward. Murphy caught him and put him on his legs again. "Heads +up, soldiers," exclaimed Murtough; "I thought you were drinking too +much." + +"Sir, I'm not intoxicated!" said the mannikin, snappishly. "It is the +fault of that vile bootjack--what sort of a thing is that you have +brought?" added he in a rage to the _gossoon_. + +"It's the bootjack, sir; only one o' the horns is gone, you see," and he +held up to view a rough piece of board with an angular slit in it, but +one of "the horns," as he called it, had been broken off at the top, +leaving the article useless. + +"How dare you bring such a thing as _that_?" said the little man, in a +great rage. + +"Why, sir, you ax'd for a bootjack, sure, and I brought you the best I +had--and it's not my fault it's bruk, so it is, for it wasn't me bruk +it, but Biddy batin' the cock." + +"Beating the cock!" repeated the little man in surprise. "Bless me! beat +a cock with a bootjack!--what savages!" + +"Oh, it's not the _hen_ cock I mane, sir," said the gossoon, "but +the beer cock--she was batin' the cock into the barrel, sir, wid the +bootjack, sir." + +"That was decidedly wrong," said Murphy; "a bootjack is better suited to +a heel-tap than a full measure." + +"She was tapping the beer, you mean?" said the little man. + +"Faix, she wasn't tapping it at all, sir, but hittin' it very hard, she +was, and that's the way she bruk it." + +"Barbarians!" exclaimed the little man; "using a bootjack instead of a +hammer!" + +"Sure the hammer was gone to the priest, sir; bekase he wanted it for +the crucifixion." + +"The crucifixion!" exclaimed the little man, horrified; "is it possible +they crucify people?" + +"Oh no, sir!" said the gossoon, grinning, "it's the picthure I main, +sir--an illigant picthure that is hung up in the chapel, and he wanted a +hammer to dhrive the nails--" + +"Oh, a _picture_ of the crucifixion," said the little man. + +"Yes, sure, sir--the alther-piece, that was althered for to fit to the +place, for it was too big when it came down from Dublin, so they cut +off the sides where the sojers was, bekase it stopt out the windows, and +wouldn't lave a bit o' light for his riverence to read mass; and sure +the sojers were no loss out o' the alther-piece, and was hung up afther +in the vesthery, and serve them right, the blackguards. But it was sore +agen our will to cut off the ladies at the bottom, that was cryin' +and roarin'; but great good luck, the head o' the Blessed Virgin was +presarved in the corner, and sure it's beautiful to see the tears +runnin' down her face, just over the hole in the wall for the holy +wather--which is remarkable." + +The gossoon was much offended by the laughter that followed his account +of the altar-piece, which he had no intention of making irreverential, +and suddenly became silent, with a muttered "More shame for yiz;" and +as his bootjack was impracticable, he was sent off with orders for the +chamber-maid to supply bed candles immediately. + +The party soon separated for their various dormitories, the little man +leaving sundry charges to call them early in the morning, and to be sure +to have hot water ready for shaving, and, without fail, to have their +boots polished in time and left at their room doors;--to all which +injunctions he severally received the answer of--"Certainly, sir;" and +as the bed-room doors were slapped-to, one by one, the last sound of the +retiring party was the snappish voice of the indefatigable little man, +shouting, ere he shut his door,--"Early--early--don't forget, Mistress +Kelly--_early!_" + +A shake-down for Murphy in the parlour was hastily prepared; and after +Mrs. Kelly was assured by Murtough that he was quite comfortable, and +perfectly content with his accommodation, for which she made scores +of apologies, with lamentations it was not better, &c., &c., the whole +household retired to rest, and in about a quarter of an hour the inn was +in perfect silence. + +Then Murtough cautiously opened his door, and after listening for some +minutes, and being satisfied he was the only watcher under the roof, +he gently opened one of the parlour windows and gave the preconcerted +signal which he and Dick had agreed upon. Dick was under the window +immediately, and after exchanging a few words with Murtough, the latter +withdrew, and taking off his boots, and screening with his hand the +light of a candle he carried, he cautiously ascended the stairs, and +proceeded stealthily along the corridor of the dormitory, where, from +the chambers on each side, a concert of snoring began to be executed, +and at all the doors stood the boots and shoes of the inmates +awaiting the aid of Day and Martin in the morning. But, oh! innocent +calf-skins--destined to a far different fate--not Day and Martin, but +Dick the Devil and Company are in wait for you. Murphy collected as many +as he could carry under his arms and descended with them to the parlour +window, where they were transferred to Dick, who carried them directly +to the horse-pond which lay behind the inn, and there committed them to +the deep. After a few journeys up and down stairs, Murtough had left the +electors without a morsel of sole or upper leather, and was satisfied +that a considerable delay, if not a prevention of their appearance at +the poll on the morrow, would be the consequence. + +"There, Dick," said Murphy, "is the last of them," as he handed the +little man's shoes out of the window,--"and now, to save appearances, +you must take mine too--for I must be without boots as well as the rest +in the morning. What fun I shall have when the uproar begins--don't you +envy me, Dick? There, be off now: but hark 'e, notwithstanding you take +away my boots, you need not throw them into the horse-pond." + +"'Faith, an' I will," said Dick, dragging them out of his hands; "'t +would not be honourable, if I didn't--I'd give two pair of boots for the +fun you'll have." + +"Nonsense, Dick--Dick, I say--my boots!" + +"Honour!" cried Dick, as he vanished round the corner. + +"That devil will keep his word," muttered Murphy, as he closed the +window--"I may bid good bye to that pair of boots--bad luck to him!" +And yet the merry attorney could not help laughing at Dick making him a +sufferer by his own trick. + +Dick _did_ keep his word; and after, with particular delight, sinking +Murphy's boots with the rest, he, as it was preconcerted, returned to +the cottage of Barny, and with his assistance drew the upset gig from +the ditch, and with a second set of harness, provided for the occasion, +yoked the servant's horse to the vehicle and drove home. + +Murphy, meanwhile, was bent on more mischief at the inn; and lest +the loss of the boots and shoes might not be productive of sufficient +impediment to the movements of the enemy, he determined on venturing +a step further. The heavy sleeping of the weary and tipsy travellers +enabled him to enter their chambers unobserved, and over the garments +they had taken off he poured the contents of the water-jug and +water-bottle he found in each room, and then laying the empty bottle and +a tumbler on a chair beside each sleeper's bed, he made it appear as if +the drunken men had been dry in the night, and, in their endeavours +to cool their thirst, had upset the water over their own clothes. The +clothes of the little man, in particular, Murphy took especial delight +in sousing more profusely than his neighbour's, and not content with +taking his shoes, burnt his stockings, and left the ashes in the dish +of the candlestick, with just as much unconsumed as would show what +they had been. He then retired to the parlour, and with many an internal +chuckle at the thought of the morning's hubbub, threw off his clothes +and flinging himself on the shake-down Mrs. Kelly had provided for him, +was soon wrapt in the profoundest slumber, from which he never awoke +until the morning uproar of the inn aroused him. He jumped from his +lair and rushed to the scene of action, to soar in the storm of his +own raising; and to make it more apparent that he had been as great a +sufferer as the rest, he only threw a quilt over his shoulders and +did not draw on his stockings. In this plight he scaled the stairs and +joined the storming party, where the little man was leading the forlorn +hope, with his candlestick in one hand and the remnant of his burnt +stocking between the finger and thumb of the other. + +"Look at that, sir!" he cried, as he held it up to the landlord. + +The landlord could only stare. + +"Bless me!" cried Murphy, "how drunk you must have been to mistake your +stocking for an extinguisher!" + +"Drunk, sir--I wasn't drunk!" + +"It looks very like it," said Murphy, who did not wait for an answer, +but bustled off to another party who was wringing out his inexpressibles +at the door of his bed-room, and swearing at the gossoon that he _must_ +have his boots. + +"I never seen them, sir," said the boy. + +"I left them at my door," said the man. + +"So did I leave mine," said Murphy, "and here I am barefooted--it is +most extraordinary." + +"Has the house been robbed?" said the innocent elector. + +"Not a one o' me knows, sir!" said the boy; "but how could it be robbed +and the doors all fast this mornin'?" + +The landlady now appeared, and fired at the word "robbed!" + +"Robbed, sir!" exclaimed Mrs. Kelly; "no, sir--no one was ever robbed +in my house--my house is respectable and responsible, sir--a vartuous +house--none o' your rantipole places, sir, I'd have you to know, but +decent and well behaved, and the house was as quiet as a lamb all +night." + +"Certainly, Mrs. Kelly," said Murphy--"not a more respectable house in +Ireland--I'll vouch for that." + +"You're a gentleman, Misther Murphy," said Mrs. Kelly, who turned down +the passage, uttering indignant ejaculations in a sort of snorting +manner, while her words of anger were returned by Murphy with +expressions of soothing and condolence as he followed her down-stairs. + +The storm still continued above, and while there they shouted and swore +and complained, Murphy gave _his_ notion of the catastrophe to the +landlady below, inferring that the men were drunk and poured the +water over their own clothes. To repeat this idea to themselves he +re-ascended, but the men were incredulous. The little man he found +buttoning on a pair of black gaiters, the only serviceable decency +he had at his command, which only rendered his denuded state more +ludicrous. To him Murphy asserted his belief that the whole affair was +enchantment, and ventured to hope the small individual would have more +faith in fairy machinations for the future; to which the little abortion +only returned his usual "Pho! pho! nonsense!" + +Through all this scene of uproar, as Murphy passed to and fro, whenever +he encountered the landlord, that worthy individual threw him a knowing +look; and the exclamation of, "Oh, Misther Murphy--by dad!" given in +a low chuckling tone, insinuated that the landlord not only smoked but +enjoyed the joke. + +"You must lend me a pair of boots, Kelly!" said Murtough. + +"To be sure, sir--ha! ha! ha!--but you are the quare man, Misther +Murphy--" + +"Send down the road and get my gig out of the ditch." + +"To be sure, sir. Poor devils! purty hands they got into," and off went +the landlord, with a chuckle. + +The messengers sent for the gig returned, declaring there was no gig to +be seen anywhere. + +Murphy affected great surprise at the intelligence--again went among +the bamboozled electors, who were all obliged to go to bed for want of +clothes; and his bitter lamentations over the loss of his gig almost +reconciled them to their minor troubles. + +To the fears they expressed that they should not be able to reach the +town in time for polling that day, Murphy told them to set their minds +at rest, for they would be in time on the next. + +He then borrowed a saddle as well as the pair of boots from the +landlord, and the little black mare bore Murphy triumphantly back to the +town, after he had securely impounded Scatterbrain's voters, who were +anxiously and hourly expected by their friends. Still they came not. +At last, Handy Andy, who happened to be in town with Scatterbrain, was +despatched to hurry them, and his orders were not to come back without +them. + +Handy, on his arrival at the inn, found the electors in bed, and all +the fires in the house employed in drying their clothes. The little man, +wrapped in a blanket, was superintending the cooking of his own +before the kitchen grate; there hung his garments on some cross sticks +suspended by a string, after the fashion of a roasting-jack, which +the small gentleman turned before a blazing turf fire; and beside +this contrivance of his swung a goodly joint of meat, which a bouncing +kitchen wench came over to baste now and then. + +Andy was answering some questions of the inquisitive little man, when +the kitchen maid, handing the basting-ladle to Andy, begged him to do +a good turn and just to baste the beef for her, for that her heart was +broke with all she had to do, cooking dinner for so many. + +Andy, always ready to oblige, consented, and plied the ladle actively +between the troublesome queries of the little man; but at last, getting +confused with some very crabbed questions put to him, Andy became +completely bothered, and lifting a brimming ladle of dripping, poured it +over the little man's coat instead of the beef. + +A roar from the proprietor of the clothes followed, and he implanted +a kick at such advantage upon Andy, that he upset him into the +dripping-pan; and Andy, in his fall, endeavouring to support himself, +caught at the suspended articles above him, and the clothes, and the +beef, and Andy, all swam in gravy. + +[Illustration: Andy's Cooking extraordinary] + + + + +CHAPTER XXV + + +While disaster and hubbub were rife below, the electors up-stairs +were holding a council whether it would not be better to send back the +"Honourable's" messenger to the town and request a supply of shoes, +which they had no other means of getting. The debate was of an odd sort; +they were all in their several beds at the time, and roared at each +other through their doors, which were purposely left open that they +might enjoy each other's conversation; number seven replied to number +three, and claimed respect to his arguments on the score of seniority; +the blue room was completely controverted by the yellow; and the +double-bedded room would, of course, have had superior weight in the +argument, only that everything it said was lost by the two honourable +members speaking together. The French king used to hold a council called +a "bed of justice," in which neither justice nor a bed had anything to +do, so that this Irish conference better deserved the title than any +council the Bourbon ever assembled. The debate having concluded, and the +question being put and carried, the usher of the black counterpane was +desired to get out of bed, and, wrapped in the robe of office whence +he derived his title, to go down-stairs and call the "Honourable's" +messenger to the "bar of the house," and there order him a pint of +porter, for refreshment after his ride; and forthwith to send him back +again to the town for a supply of shoes. + +The house was unanimous in voting the supplies. The usher reached the +kitchen and found Andy in his shirt sleeves, scraping the dripping from +his livery with an old knife, whose hackled edge considerably assisted +Andy's own ingenuity in the tearing of his coat in many places, while +the little man made no effort towards the repair of his garment, but +held it up before him, and regarded it with a piteous look. + +To the usher of the black counterpane's question, whether Andy was the +"Honourable's messenger," Andy replied in the affirmative; but to the +desire expressed, that he would ride back to the town, Andy returned a +decided negative. + +"My ordhers is not to go back without you," said Andy. + +"But we have no shoes," said the usher; "and cannot go until we get +some." + +"My ordher is not to go back without you." + +"But if we can't go?" + +"Well, then, I can't go back, that's all," said Andy. + +The usher, the landlord, and the landlady all hammered away at Andy for +a long time, in vain trying to convince him he ought to return, as he +was desired; still Andy stuck to the letter of his orders, and said he +often got into trouble for not doing _exactly_ what he was bid, and +that he was bid "not to go back without them, and he would not--so he +wouldn't--divil a fut." + +At last, however, Andy was made to understand the propriety of riding +back to the town; and was desired to go as fast as his horse could carry +him, to gallop every foot of the way; but Andy did no such thing; he had +received a good thrashing once for being caught galloping his master's +horse on the road, and he had no intention of running the risk a second +time, because "_the stranger_" told him to do so. "What does he know +about it?" said Andy to himself; "'faith, it's fair and aisy I'll go, +and not disthress the horse to plaze any one." So he went back his +ten miles at a reasonable pace only; and when he appeared without the +electors, a storm burst on poor Andy. + +"There! I knew how it would be," said he, "and not my fault at all." + +"Weren't you told not to return without them?" + +"But wait till I tell you how it was, sure;" and then Andy began an +account of the condition in which the voters lay at the inn but between +the impatience of those who heard, and the confused manner of Andy's +recital, it was some time before matters were explained; and then Andy +was desired to ride back to the inn again, to tell the electors shoes +should be forwarded after him in a post-chaise, and requesting their +utmost exertions in hastening over to the town, for that the election +was going against them. Andy returned to the inn; and this time, under +orders from head quarters, galloped in good earnest, and brought in his +horse smoking hot, and indicating lameness. The day was wearing apace, +and it was so late when the electors were enabled to start that the +polling-booths were closed before they could leave the town; and in many +of these booths the requisite number of electors had not been polled +that day to keep them open; so that the next day nearly all those +outlying electors, about whom there had been so much trouble and +expense, would be of no avail. Thus, Murphy's trick was quite +successful, and the poor pickled electors were driven back to their inn +in dudgeon. + +Andy, when he went to the stable to saddle his steed, for a return to +Neck-or-Nothing Hall, found him dead lame, so that to ride him better +than twelve miles home was impossible. Andy was obliged to leave him +where he was, and trudge it to the hall; for all the horses in Kelly's +stables were knocked up with their day's work. + +As it was shorter by four miles across the country than by the road, +Andy pursued the former course; and as he knew the country well, the +shades of evening, which were now closing round, did not deter him in +the least. Andy was not very fresh for the journey to be sure, for he +had ridden upwards of thirty miles that day, so the merry whistle, which +is so constantly heard from the lively Irish pedestrian, did not while +away the tedium of his walk. It was night when Andy was breasting up a +low ridge of hills, which lay between him and the end of his journey; +and when in silence and darkness he topped the ascent, he threw himself +on some heather to rest and take breath. His attention was suddenly +caught by a small blue flame, which flickered now and then on the face +of the hill, not very far from him; and Andy's fears of fairies and +goblins came crowding upon him thick and fast. He wished to rise, but +could not; his eye continued to be strained with the fascination of fear +in the direction he saw the fire, and sought to pierce the gloom through +which, at intervals, the small point of flame flashed brightly and sunk +again, making the darkness seem deeper. Andy lay in perfect stillness, +and in the silence, which was unbroken even by his own breathing, he +thought he heard voices underground. He trembled from head to foot, +for he was certain they were the voices of the fairies, whom he firmly +believed to inhabit the hills. + +"Oh! murdher, what'll I do?" thought Andy to himself: "sure I heerd +often, if once you were within the sound of their voices, you could +never get out o' their power. Oh! if I could only say a _pather_ and +_ave_, but I forget my prayers with the fright. Hail, Mary! The king +o' the fairies lives in these hills, I know--and his house is undher +me this minit, and I on the roof of it--I'll never get down again--I'll +never get down again--they'll make me slater to the fairies; and sure +enough I remember me, the hill is all covered with flat stones they call +fairy slates. Oh! I am ruined--God be praised!" Here he blessed himself, +and laid his head close to the earth. "Guardian angels--I hear their +voices singin' a dhrinking song--Oh! if I had a dhrop o' water myself, +for my mouth is as dhry as a lime-burner's wig--and I on the top o' +their house--see--there's the little blaze again--I wondher is their +chimbley afire--Oh! murther, I'll die o' thirst--Oh! if I had only +one dhrop o' wather--I wish it would rain or hail--Hail, Mary, full o' +grace--whisht! what's that?" Andy crouched lower than before, as he saw +a figure rise from the earth, and attain a height which Andy computed +to be something about twenty feet; his heart shrank to the size of a +nut-shell, as he beheld the monster expand to his full dimensions; and +at the same moment, a second, equally large, emerged from the ground. + +Now, as fairies are notoriously little people, Andy changed his opinion +of the parties into whose power he had fallen, and saw clearly they were +giants, not fairies, of whom he was about to become the victim. He +would have ejaculated a prayer for mercy, had not terror rendered him +speechless, as the remembrance of all the giants he had ever heard of, +from the days of Jack and the Bean-stalk down, came into his head; but +though his sense of speaking was gone, that of hearing was painfully +acute, and he heard one of the giants say-- + +"That pot is not big enough." + +"Oh! it howlds as much as we want," replied the other. + +"O Lord," thought Andy; "they've got their pot ready for cooking." + +"What keeps him?" said the first giant. + +"Oh! he's not far off," said the second. + +A clammy shivering came over Andy. + +"I'm hungry," said the first, and he hiccupped as he spoke. + +"It's only a false appetite you have," said the second, "you're drunk." + +This was a new light to Andy, for he thought giants were too strong to +get drunk. "I could ate a young child, without parsley and butther," +said the drunken giant. Andy gave a faint spasmodic kick. + +"And it's as hot as ---- down there," said the giant. + +Andy trembled at the horrid word he heard. + +"No wonder," said the second giant; "for I can see the flame popping out +at the top of the chimbley; that's bad: I hope no one will see it, or +it might give them warning. Bad luck to that young divil for making the +fire so sthrong." + +What a dreadful hearing this was for Andy: young devils to make their +fires; there was no doubt what place they were dwelling in. "Thunder and +turf!" said the drunken giant; "I wish I had a slice of--" + +Andy did not hear what he wished a slice of, for the night wind +swept across the heath at the moment, and carried away the monster's +disgusting words on its pure breath. + +"Well, I'd rather have--" said the other giant; and again Andy lost what +his atrocious desires were--"than all the other slices in the world. +What a lovely round shoulder she has, and the nice round ankle of her--" + +The word "ankle" showed at once it was a woman of whom he spoke, and +Andy shuddered. "The monsters! to eat a woman." + +"What a fool you are to be in love," said the drunken giant with several +hiccups, showing the increase of his inebriation. + +"Is that what the brutes call love," thought Andy, "to ate a woman?" + +"I wish she was bone of my bone and flesh of my flesh," said the second +giant. Of this speech Andy heard only "bone" and "flesh," and had great +difficulty in maintaining the serenity of his diaphragm. + +The conversation of the giants was now more frequently interrupted by +the wind which was rising, and only broken sentences reached Andy, whose +senses became clearer the longer he remained in a state of safety; +at last he heard the name of Squire Egan distinctly pass between the +giants. + +"So they know Squire Egan," thought Andy. + +The first giant gave a drunken laugh at the mention of Squire Egan's +name, and exclaimed-- + +"Don't be afraid of him (_hiccup_); I have him undher my thumb +(_hiccup_). I can crush him when I plase." + +"O! my poor owld masther!" mentally ejaculated Andy. + +Another break in their conversation occurred, and the next name Andy +overheard was "O'Grady." + +"The big bully!" said the second giant. + +"They know the whole country," thought Andy. + +"But tell me, what was that you said to him at the election?" said the +drunken one. + +The word "election" recalled Andy to the business of this earth back +again; and it struck upon his hitherto bewildered sensorium that giants +could have nothing to do with elections, and he knew he never saw +them there; and, as the thought struck him, it seemed as if the giants +diminished in size, and did not appear _quite_ so big. + +"Sure you know," said the second. + +"Well, I'd like to hear it again," said the drunken one (_hiccup_). + +"The big bully says to me, 'Have you a lease?' says he; 'No,' says I; +'but I have an article!' 'What article?' says he; 'It's a fine brass +blunderbuss,' says I, 'and _I'd like to see the man would dispute the +title!_'" + +The drunken listener chuckled, and the words broke the spell of +supernatural terror which had hung over Andy; he knew, by the words of +the speaker, it was the bully joker of the election was present, +who browbeat O'Grady and out-quibbled the agent about the oath of +allegiance; and the voice of the other he soon recognised for that of +Larry Hogan. So now his giants were diminished into mortal men--the pot, +which had been mentioned to the terror of his soul, was for the making +of whisky instead of human broth--and the "hell" he thought his giants +inhabited was but a private still. Andy felt as if a mountain had been +lifted from his heart when he found it was but mortals he had to deal +with; for Andy was not deficient in courage when it was but thews +and sinews like his own he had to encounter. He still lay concealed, +however, for smugglers might not wish their private haunt to be +discovered, and it was possible Andy would be voted one too many in the +company should he announce himself; and with such odds as two to one +against him he thought he had better be quiet. Besides, his curiosity +became excited when he found them speaking of his old master, Egan, and +his present one, O'Grady; and as a woman had been alluded to, and odd +words caught up here and there, he became anxious to hear more of their +conversation. + +"So you're in love," said Larry, with a hiccup, to our friend of the +blunderbuss; "ha! ha! ha! you big fool." + +"Well, you old thief, don't you like a purty girl yourself?" + +"I did, when I was young and foolish." + +"'Faith, then, you're young and foolish at that rate yet, for you're a +rogue with the girls, Larry," said the other, giving him a slap on the +back. + +"Not I! not I!" said Larry, in a manner expressive of his not being +displeased with the charge of gallantry; "he! he! he!--how do you know, +eh?" (_Hiccup_.) "Sure, I know myself; but as I wos telling you, if I +could only lay howld of--" here his voice became inaudible to Andy, and +the rest of the sentence was lost. + +Andy's curiosity was great. "Who could the girl be?" + +"And you'd carry her off?" said Larry. + +"I would," said the other; "I'm only afraid o' Squire Egan." + +At this announcement of the intention of "carrying her off," coupled +with the fear of "Squire Egan," Andy's anxiety to hear the name of the +person became so intense that he crawled cautiously a little nearer to +the speakers. + +"I tell you again," said Larry, "I can settle _him_ aisy +(_hiccup_)--he's undher my thumb (_hiccup_)." + +"Be aisy," said the other, contemptuously, who thought this was a mere +drunken delusion of Larry's. + +"I tell you I'm his masther!" said Larry, with a drunken flourish of his +arm; and he continued bragging of his power over the Squire in various +ejaculations, the exact meaning of which our friend of the blunderbuss +could not fathom, but Andy heard enough to show him that the discovery +of the post-office affair was what Larry alluded to. + +That Larry, a close, cunning, circumventing rascal, should so far betray +the source of his power over Egan may seem strange; but be it remembered +Larry was drunk, a state of weakness which his caution generally guarded +him from falling into, but which being in, his foible was bragging of +his influence, and so running the risk of losing it. + +The men continued to talk together for some time, and the tenour of the +conversation was, that Larry assured his companion he might carry off +the girl without fear of Egan, but her name Andy could not discover. His +own name he heard more than once, and voluptuous raptures poured forth +about lovely lips and hips and ankles from the herculean knight of the +blunderbuss, amidst the maudlin admiration and hiccups of Larry, who +continued to brag of his power, and profess his readiness to stand by +his friend in carrying off the girl. + +"Then," said the Hercules, with an oath, "I'll soon have you in my arms, +my lovely--" + +The name was lost again. + +Their colloquy was now interrupted by the approach of a man and woman, +the former being the person for whose appearance Larry made so many +inquiries when he first appeared to Andy as the hungry giant; the other +was the sister of the knight of the blunderbuss. Larry having hiccupped +his anger against the man for making them wait so long for the bacon, +the woman said he should not wait longer without his supper now, +for that she would go down and fry the rashers immediately. She then +disappeared through the ground, and the men all followed. + +Andy drew his breath freely once more, and with caution raised himself +gradually from the ground with a careful circumspection, lest any of the +subterranean community might be watchers on the hill; and when he was +satisfied he was free from observation, he stole away from the spot +with stealthy steps for about twenty paces, and there, as well as the +darkness would permit, after taking such landmarks as would help him to +retrace his way to the still, if requisite, he dashed down the hill at +the top of his speed. This pace he did not moderate until he had placed +nearly a mile between him and the scene of his adventure; he then paced +slowly to regain his breath. His head was in a strange whirl; mischief +was threatened against some one of whose name he was ignorant; Squire +Egan was declared to be in the power of an old rascal; this grieved Andy +most of all, for he felt _he_ was the cause of his old master's dilemma. + +"Oh! to think I should bring him into trouble," said Andy, "the kind +and good masther he was to me ever, and I live to tell it like a +blackguard--throth I'd rather be hanged any day than the masther would +come to throuble--maybe if I gave myself up and was hanged like a man +at once, that would settle it; 'faith, if I thought it would, I'd do it +sooner than Squire Egan should come to throuble!" and poor Andy spoke +just what he felt. "Or would it do to kill that blackguard Hogan? _sure +they could do no more than hang me afther_, and that would save the +masther, and be all one to me, for they often towld me I'd be hanged. +[1] But then there's my sowl," said Andy, and he paused at the +thought--, "if they hanged me for the letthers, it would be only for a +mistake, and sure then I'd have a chance o' glory; for sure I might go +to glory through a mistake; but if I killed a man on purpose, sure it +would be slappin' the gates of Heaven in my own face. Faix, I'll spake +to Father Blake about it." [2] + +[1][Footnote: How often has the sanguinary penal code of past years +suggested this reflection and provoked the guilt it was meant to +awe! Happily, now our laws are milder, and more protective from their +mildness.] + +[2][Footnote: In the foregoing passage, Andy stumbles on uttering a +quaint pleasantry, for it is partly true as well as droll--the notion of +a man gaining Paradise through a mistake. Our intentions too seldom lead +us there, but rather tend the other way, for a certain place is said +to be paved with "good" ones, and surely "bad" ones would not lead us +upwards. Then the phrase of a man "slapping the gates of Heaven in his +own face," is one of those wild poetic figures of speech in which +the Irish peasantry often indulge. The phrase "slapping the door" is +every-day and common; but when applied to "the gates of Heaven," and +"in a man's own face," the common phrase becomes fine. But how often +the commonest things become poetry by the fitness of their application, +though poetasters and people of small minds think greatness of thought +lies in big words.] + + + + +CHAPTER XXVI + + +The following day was that eventful one which should witness the return +of either Edward Egan, Esq., or the Honourable Sackville Scatterbrain as +member for the county. There was no doubt in any reasonable man's mind +as to the real majority of Egan, but the numbers were sufficiently close +to give the sheriff an opportunity of doing a bit of business to +oblige his friends, and therefore he declared the Honourable Sackville +Scatterbrain duly elected. Great was the uproar; the people hissed, +and hooted, and groaned, for which the Honourable Sackville very +good-naturedly returned them his thanks. Murphy snapped his fingers in +the sheriff's face, and told them his honourable friend should not long +remain member, for that he must be unseated on petition, and that he +would prove the return most corrupt, with which words he again snapped +his fingers in the sheriff's face. + +The sheriff threatened to read the riot act if such conduct was +repeated. + +Egan took off his hat, and thanked him for his _honourable, upright, +and impartial_ conduct, whereupon all Egan's friends took off their hats +also, and made profound bows to the functionary, and then laughed most +uproariously. Counter laughs were returned from the opposite party, who +begged to remind the Eganites of the old saying, "that they might laugh +who win." A cross-fire of sarcasms was kept up amidst the two parties +as they were crushing forward out of the courthouse; and at the door, +before entering his carriage, Scatterbrain very politely addressed Egan, +and trusted that, though they had met as rivals on the hustings, they +nevertheless parted friends, and expressing the highest respect for the +squire, offered his hand in amity. + +Egan, equally good-hearted as his opponent, shook his hand cordially; +declaring he attributed to him none of the blame which attached to other +persons. "Besides, my dear sir," said Egan, laughing, "I should be a +very ill-natured person to grudge you so small an indulgence as being +member of parliament _for a month or so_." + +Scatterbrain returned the laugh, good-humouredly, and replied that, "at +all events, he _had_ the seat." + +"Yes, my dear sir," said Egan, "and make the most of it _while_ you +have it. In short, I shall owe you an obligation when I go over to St. +Stephen's, for you will have just _aired my seat_ for me--good bye." + +They parted with smiles, and drove to their respective homes; but as +even doubtful possession is preferable to expectation for the time +being, it is certain that Neck-or-Nothing Hall rang with more merriment +that night on the reality of the present, than Merryvale did on the hope +of the future. + +Even O'Grady, as he lay with his wounded arm on the sofa, found more +healing in the triumph of the hour than from all the medicaments of the +foregoing week, and insisted on going down-stairs and joining the party +at supper. + +"Gusty, dear," said his wife, "you know the doctor said--" + +"Hang the doctor!" + +"Your arm, my love." + +"I wish you'd leave off pitying my arm, and have some compassion on my +stomach." + +"The doctor said--" + +"There are oysters in the house; I'll do myself more good by the use of +an oyster-knife than all the lancets in the College of Surgeons." + +"But your wound, dear?" + +"Are they Carlingfords or Poldoodies?" + +"So fresh, love." + +"So much the better." + +"Your wound I mean, dear?" + +"Nicely opened." + +"Only dressed an hour ago?" + +"With some mustard, pepper, and vinegar." + +"Indeed, Gusty, if you take my advice--" + +"I'd rather have oysters any day." + +O'Grady sat up on the sofa as he spoke and requested his wife to say no +more about the matter, but put on his cravat. While she was getting it +from his wardrobe, his mind wandered from supper to the pension, +which he looked upon as secure now that Scatterbrain was returned; and +oyster-banks gave place to the Bank of Ireland, which rose in a pleasing +image before O'Grady's imagination. The wife now returned with the +cravat, still dreading the result of eating to her husband, and her mind +occupied wholly with the thought of supper, while O'Grady was wrapt in +visions of a pension. + +"You won't take it, Gusty, dear," said his wife with all the insinuation +of manner she could command. + +"Won't I, 'faith?" said O'Grady. "Maybe you think I don't want it?" + +"Indeed, I don't, dear." + +"Are you mad, woman? Is it taking leave of the few senses you ever had +you are?" + +"'T won't agree with you." + +"Won't it? just wait till I'm tried." + +"Well, love, how much do you expect to be allowed?" + +"Why I can't expect much just yet--we must begin gently--feel the pulse +first; but I should hope, by way of start, that six or seven hundred--" + +"Gracious Heaven!" exclaimed his wife, dropping the cravat from her +hands. "What the devil is the woman shouting at?" said O'Grady. + +"Six or seven hundred!!!" exclaimed Mrs. O'Grady; "my dear, there's not +as much in the house." + +"No, nor has not been for many a long day; I know that as well as you," +said O'Grady; "but I hope we shall get as much for all that." + +"My dear, where could you get them?" asked the wife, timidly, who began +to think his head was a little light. + +"From the treasury, to be sure." + +"The treasury, my dear?" said the wife, still at fault; "how could you +get oysters from the treasury?" + +"Oysters!" exclaimed O'Grady, whose turn it was now to wonder, "who +talks of oysters?" + +"My dear, I thought you said you'd eat six or seven hundred of oysters!" + +"Pooh! pooh! woman; it is of the pension I'm talking--six or seven +hundred pounds--pounds--cash--per annum; now I suppose you'll put on my +cravat. I think a man may be allowed to eat his supper who expects six +hundred a year." + +A great many people besides O'Grady order suppers, and dinners too, on +the expectation of less than six hundred a year. Perhaps there is no +more active agent for sending people into the Insolvent Court than the +aforesaid "_expectation_." + +O'Grady went down-stairs, and was heartily welcomed by Scatterbrain on +his re-appearance from his sick-room; but Mrs. O'Grady suggested that, +for fear any excess would send him back there for a longer time, a +very moderate indulgence at the table should suffice. She begged the +honourable member to back her argument, which he did; and O'Grady +promised temperance, but begged the immediate appearance of the oysters, +for he experienced that eager desire which delicate health so often +prompts for some particular food. + +Andy was laying the table at the time, and was ordered to expedite +matters as much as possible. + +"Yis, ma'am." + +"You're sure the oysters are all good, Andy?" + +"Sartin, ma'am." + +"Because the last oysters you know--" + +"Oh, yis, ma'am--were bad, ma'am--bekase they had their mouths all open. +I remember, ma'am; but when I'm towld a thing once, I never forget it +again; and you towld me when they opened their mouths once they were no +good. So you see, ma'am, I'll never bring up bad oysthers again, ma'am." + +"Very good, Andy; and you have kept them in a cool place, I hope." + +"Faix, they're cowld enough where I put them, ma'am." + +"Very well; bring them up at once." + +Off went Andy, and returned with all the haste he could with a large +dish heaped up with oysters. + +O'Grady rubbed his hands with the impatience of a true lover of the +crustaceous delicacy, and Scatterbrain, eager to help him, flourished +his oyster-knife; but before he had time to commence operations the +olfactory nerves of the company gave evidence that the oysters were +rather suspicious; every one began sniffing, and a universal "Oh dear!" +ran round the table. + +"Don't you smell it, Furlong?" said Scatterbrain, who was so lost in +looking at Augusta's mustachios that he did not mind anything else. + +"Isn't it horrid?" said O'Grady, with a look of disgust. + +Furlong thought he alluded to the mustachio, and replied with an +assurance that he "liked it of all things." + +"Like it?" said O'Grady; "you've a queer taste. What do _you_ think of +it, miss?" added he to Augusta, "it's just under your nose." Furlong +thought this rather personal, even from a father. + +"I'll try my knife on one," said Scatterbrain, with a flourish of the +oyster-knife, which Furlong thought resembled the preliminary trial of a +barber's razor. + +Furlong thought this worse than O'Grady; but he hesitated to reply to +his chief, and an _honourable_ into the bargain. + +In the meantime, Scatterbrain opened an oyster, which Furlong, in his +embarrassment and annoyance, did not perceive. + +"Cut off the beard," said O'Grady, "I don't like it." + +This nearly made Furlong speak, but, considering O'Grady's temper +and ill-health, he hesitated, till he saw Augusta rubbing her eye, in +consequence of a small splinter of the oyster-shell having struck it +from Scatterbrain's mismanagement of his knife; but Furlong thought she +was crying, and then he could be silent no longer; he went over to where +she sat, and with a very affectionate demonstration in his action, said, +"Never mind them, dear Gussy--never mind--don't cwy--I love her dear +little moustachios, I do." He gave a gentle pat on the back of the neck +as he spoke, and it was returned by an uncommonly smart box on the ear +from the young lady, and the whole party looked thunderstruck. "Dear +Gussy" cried for spite, and stamped her way out of the room, followed by +Furlong. + +"Let them go," said O'Grady; "they'll make it up outside." + +"These oysters are all bad," said Scatterbrain. + +O'Grady began to swear at his disappointment--he had set his heart on +oysters. Mrs. O'Grady rang the bell--Andy appeared. + +"How dare you bring up such oysters as these?" roared O'Grady. + +"The misthris ordhered them, sir." + +"I told you never to bring up bad oysters," said she. + +"Them's not bad, ma'am," said Andy, + +"Have you a nose?" says O'Grady. + +"Yes, sir." + +"And can't you smell them, then?" + +"Faix, I smelt them for the last three days, sir." + +"And how could you say they were good, then?" asked his mistress. + +"Sure you tould me, ma'am, that if they didn't open their mouths they +were good, and I'll be on my book oath them oysters never opened their +mouths since I had them, for I laid them on a coolflag in the kitchen +and put the jack-weight over them." + +Notwithstanding O'Grady's rage, Scatterbrain could not help roaring with +laughter at Andy's novel contrivance for keeping oysters fresh. Andy +was desired to take the "ancient and fish-like smell" out of the room, +amidst jeers and abuse; and, as he fumbled his way to the kitchen in +the dark, lamenting the hard fate of servants, who can never give +satisfaction, though they do everything they are bid, he went head over +heels down-stairs, which event was reported to the whole house as soon +as it happened, by the enormous clatter of the broken dish, the oysters, +and Andy, as they all rolled one over the other to the bottom. + +O'Grady, having missed the cool supper he intended, and had longed for, +was put into a rage by the disappointment; and as hunger with O'Grady +was only to be appeased by broiled bones, accordingly, against all the +endeavours of everybody, the bells rang violently through the house, and +the ogre-like cry of "broiled bones!" resounded high and low. + +The reader is sufficiently well acquainted with O'Grady by this time to +know, that of course, when once he had determined to have his broiled +bone, nothing on the face of the earth could prevent it but the want +of anything to broil, or the immediate want of his teeth; and as his +masticators were in order, and something in the house which could carry +mustard and pepper, the invalid primed and loaded himself with as much +combustible matter as exploded in a fever the next day. + +The supper-party, however, in the hope of getting him to bed, separated +soon; and as Scatterbrain and Furlong were to start early in the morning +for Dublin, the necessity of their retiring to rest was pleaded. The +honourable member had not been long in his room when he heard a tap at +his door, and his order to "come in" was followed by the appearance of +Handy Andy. + +"I found somethin' on the road nigh the town to-day, sir, and I thought +it might be yours, maybe," said Andy, producing a small pocket-book. + +The honourable member disavowed the ownership. + +"Well, there's something else I want to speak to your honour about." + +"What is it, Handy?" + +"I want your honour to see the account of the money your honour gave me +that I spint at the _shebeen_ [Footnote: Low publick house.] upon the +'lecthors that couldn't be accommodated at Mrs. Fay's." + +"Oh! never mind it, Andy; if there's anything over, keep it yourself." + +"Thank your honour, but I must make the account all the same, if +you plaze, for I'm going to Father Blake, to my duty, [Footnote: +Confession.] soon, and I must have my conscience as clear as I can, and +I wouldn't like to be keeping money back." + +"But if I give you the money, what matter?" + +"I'd rather you'd just look over this little bit of a count, if you +plaze," said Andy, producing a dirty piece of paper, with some nearly +inscrutable hieroglyphics upon it. Scatterbrain commenced an examination +of this literary phenomenon from sheer curiosity, asking Andy at the +same time if _he_ wrote it. + +"Yis, sir," said Andy; "but you see the man couldn't keep the count of +the piper's dhrink at all, it was so confusin', and so I was obliged to +pay him for that every time the piper dhrunk, and keep it separate, and +the 'lecthors that got their dinner afther the bill was made out I put +down myself too, and that's it you see, sir, both ating and dhrinkin'." + + To Dhrinkin A blind piper everry day + wan and in Pens six dais 0 16 6 + To atein four Tin Illikthurs And Thare 1 8 8 + horses on Chewsdai 0 14 0 + --------- + Toe til 2 19 4 + Lan lord Bil For All Be four 7 17 8-1/2 + --------- + 10 18 12-1/2 + +"Then I owe you money, instead of your having a balance in hand, Andy," +said the member. + +"Oh, no matter, your honour; it's not for that I showed you the +account." + +"It's very like it, though," said Scatterbrain, laughing; "here, Andy, +here are a couple of pounds for you, take them, Andy--take it and be +off; your bill is worth the money," and Scatterbrain closed the door on +the great accountant. + +Andy next went to Furlong's room, to know if the pocket-book belonged +to him; it did not, but Furlong, though he disclaimed the ownership, had +that small curiosity which prompts little minds to pry into what does +not belong to them, and taking the pocket-book into his hands, he opened +it, and fumbled over its leaves; in the doing of which a small piece of +folded paper fell from one of the pockets unnoticed by the impertinent +inquisitor or Andy, to whom he returned the book when he had gratified +his senseless curiosity. Andy withdrew, Furlong retired to rest; and as +it was in the grey of an autumnal morning he dressed himself, the paper +still remained unobserved: so that the housemaid, on setting the room +to rights, found it, and fancying Miss Augusta was the proper person to +confide Mr. Furlong's stray papers to, she handed that young lady the +manuscript which bore the following copy of verses:-- + +I CAN NE'ER FORGET THEE + +I + + It is the chime, the hour draws near + When you and I must sever; + Alas, it must be many a year, + And it _may_ be for ever! + How long till we shall meet again! + How short since first I met thee! + How brief the bliss--how long the pain-- + For I can ne'er forget thee. + +II + + You said my heart was cold and stern; + You doubted love when strongest: + In future days you'll live to learn + Proud hearts can love the longest. + Oh! sometimes think, when press'd to hear, + When flippant tongues beset thee, + That _all_ must love thee, when thou'rt near, + But _one_ will ne'er forget thee! + +III + + The changeful sand doth only know + The shallow tide and latest; + The rocks have mark'd its highest flow, + The deepest and the greatest; + And deeper still the flood-marks grow:-- + So, since the hour I met thee, + The more the tide of time doth flow, + The less can I forget thee! + +When Augusta saw the lines, she was charmed. She discovered her Furlong +to be a poet! That the lines were his there was no doubt--they were +_found in his room,_ and of course they _must_ be his, just as partial +critics say certain Irish airs must be English, because they are to be +found in Queen Elizabeth's music-book. + +Augusta was so charmed with the lines that she amused herself for a long +time in hiding them under the sofa-cushion and making her pet dog find +and fetch them. Her pleasure, however, was interrupted by her sister +Charlotte remarking, when the lines were shown to her in triumph, that +the writing was not Furlong's, but in a lady's hand. + +Even as beer is suddenly soured by thunder, so the electric influence +of Charlotte's words converted all Augusta had been brewing to acidity; +jealousy stung her like a wasp, and she boxed her dog's ears as he was +barking for another run with the verses. + +"A _lady's_ hand?" said Augusta, snatching the paper from her sister; "I +declare if it ain't! the wretch--so he receives lines from ladies." + +"I think I know the hand, too," said Charlotte. + +"You do?" exclaimed Augusta, with flashing eyes. + +"Yes, I'm certain it is Fanny Dawson's writing." + +"So it is," said Augusta, looking at the paper as if her eyes could have +burnt it; "to be sure--he was there before he came here." + +"Only for two days," said Charlotte, trying to slake the flame she had +raised. + +"But I've heard that girl always makes conquests at first sight," +returned Augusta, half crying; "and what do I see here? some words in +pencil." + +The words were so faint as to be scarcely perceptible, but Augusta +deciphered them; they were written on the margin, beside a circumflex +which embraced the last four lines of the second verse, so that it stood +thus:-- + +[Sidenote: Dearest, I will.] + + Oh! sometimes think, when press'd to hear, + When flippant tongues beset thee, + That _all_ must love thee when thou'rt near, + But _one_ will ne'er forget thee! + +"Will you, indeed?" said Augusta, crushing the paper in her hand, and +biting it; "but I must not destroy it--I must keep it to prove his +treachery to his face." She threw herself on the sofa as she spoke, and +gave vent to an outpour of spiteful tears. + + + + +CHAPTER XXVII + + +How many chapters have been written about love verses--and how many +more might be written!--might, would, could, should, or ought to be +written!--I will venture to say, _will_ be written! I have a mind to +fulfil my own prophecy and write one myself; but no--my story must go +on. However, I _will_ say, that it is quite curious in how many ways the +same little bit of paper may influence different people: the poem whose +literary merit may be small becomes precious when some valued hand has +transcribed the lines; and the verses whose measure and meaning viewed +in type might win favour and yield pleasure, shoot poison from their +very sweetness, when read in some particular hand and under particular +circumstances. It was so with the copy of verses Augusta had just +read--they were Fanny Dawson's manuscript--that was certain--and found +in the room of Augusta's lover; therefore Augusta was wretched. But +these same lines had given exquisite pleasure to another person, who was +now nearly as miserable as Augusta in having lost them. It is possible +the reader guesses that person to be Edward O'Connor, for it was he who +had lost the pocket-book in which those (to him) precious lines were +contained; and if the little case had held all the bank-notes he ever +owned in his life, their loss would have been regarded less than that +bit of manuscript, which had often yielded _him_ the most exquisite +pleasure, and was now inflicting on Augusta the bitterest anguish. To +make this intelligible to the reader, it is necessary to explain under +what circumstances the lines were written. At one time, Edward, doubting +the likelihood of making his way at home, was about to go to India and +push his fortunes there; and at that period, those lines, breathing of +farewell--implying the dread of rivals during absence--and imploring +remembrance of his eternal love, were written and given to Fanny; and +she, with that delicacy of contrivance so peculiarly a woman's, hit upon +the expedient of copying his own verses and sending them to him in her +writing, as an indication that the spirit of the lines was her own. + +But Edward saw that his father, who was advanced in years, looked upon a +separation from his son as an eternal one, and the thought gave so +much pain, that Edward gave up the idea of expatriation. Shortly after, +however, the misunderstanding with Major Dawson took place, and Fanny +and Edward were as much severed as if dwelling in different zones. Under +such circumstances, those lines were peculiarly precious, and many a +kiss had Edward impressed upon them, though Augusta thought them fitter +for the exercise of her teeth than her lips. In fact, Edward did little +else than think of Fanny; and it is possible his passion might have +degenerated into mere love-sickness, and enfeebled him, had not +his desire of proving himself worthy of his mistress spurred him to +exertion, in the hope of future distinction. But still the tone of +tender lament pervaded all his poems, and the same pocket-book whence +the verses which caused so much commotion fell contained the following +also, showing how entirely Fanny possessed his heart and occupied his +thoughts:-- + +WHEN THE SUN SINKS TO REST + +I + + When the sun sinks to rest, + And the star of the west + Sheds its soft silver light o'er the sea; + What sweet thoughts arise, + As the dim twilight dies-- + For then I am thinking of thee! + Oh! then crowding fast + Come the joys of the past, + Through the dimness of days long gone by, + Like the stars peeping out, + Through the darkness about, + From the soft silent depth of the sky. + +II + + And thus, as the night + Grows more lovely and bright + With the clust'ring of planet and star, + So this darkness of mine + Wins a radiance divine + From the light that still lingers afar. + Then welcome the night, + With its soft holy light! + In its silence my heart is more free + The rude world to forget, + Where no pleasure I've met + Since the hour that I parted from thee. + +But we must leave love verses, and ask pardon for the few remarks which +the subject tempted, and pursue our story. + +The first prompting of Augusta's anger, when she had recovered her burst +of passion, was to write "_such a letter_" to Furlong--and she spent +half a day at the work; but she could not please herself--she tore +twenty at least, and determined, at last, not to write at all, but just +wait till he returned and overwhelm him with reproaches. But, though she +could not compose a letter, she composed herself by the endeavour, which +acted as a sort of safety-valve to let off the superabundant steam; +and it is wonderful how general is this result of sitting down to +write angry letters: people vent themselves of their spleen on the +uncomplaining paper, which silently receives words a listener would not. +With a pen for our second, desperate satisfaction is obtained with only +an effusion of ink, and when once the pent-up bitterness has oozed out +in all the blackness of that fluid--most appropriately made of the best +galls--the time so spent, and the "letting of words," if I may use the +phrase, has cooled our judgment and our passions together; and the +first letter is torn: 't is _too_ severe; we write a second; we blot and +interline till it is nearly illegible; we begin a third; till at last we +are tired out with our own angry feelings, and throw our scribbling by +with a "Pshaw! what's the use of it?" or, "It's not worth my notice;" +or, still better, arrive at the conclusion, that we preserve our own +dignity best by writing without temper, though we may be called upon to +be severe. + +Furlong at this time was on his road to Dublin in happy unconsciousness +of Augusta's rage against him, and planning what pretty little present +he should send her specially, for his head was naturally running on such +matters, as he had quantities of commissions to execute in the millinery +line for Mrs. O'Grady, who thought it high time to be getting up +Augusta's wedding-dresses, and Andy was to be despatched the following +day to Dublin to take charge of a cargo of bandboxes back from that city +to Neck-or-Nothing Hall. Furlong had received a thousand charges from +the ladies, "to be sure to lose no time" in doing his devoir in their +behalf, and he obeyed so strictly, and was so active in laying milliners +and mercers under contributions, that Andy was enabled to start the day +after his arrival, sorely against Andy's will, for he would gladly have +remained amidst the beauty and grandeur and wonders of Dublin, which +struck him dumb for the day he was amongst them, but gave him food for +conversation for many a day after. Furlong, after racking his invention +about the souvenir to his "dear Gussy," at length fixed on a fan, as the +most suitable gift; for Gussy had been quizzed at home about "blushing," +and all that sort of thing, and the puerile perceptions of the _attache_ +saw something very smart in sending her wherewith "to hide her blushes." +Then the fan was the very pink of fans; it had quivers and arrows upon +it, and bunches of hearts looped up in azure festoons, and doves perched +upon them; though Augusta's little sister, who was too young to know +what hearts and doves were, when she saw them for the first time, said +they were pretty little birds picking at apples. The fan was packed up +in a nice case, and then on scented note paper did the dear dandy +indite a bit of namby-pamby badinage to his fair one, which he thought +excessively clever:-- + +"DEAR DUCKY DARLING,--You know how naughty they are in quizzing you +about a little something, _I won't say what,_ you will guess, I dare +say--but I send you a little toy, _I won't say what,_ on which +Cupid might write this label after the doctor's fashion, 'To be used +occasionally, when the patient is much troubled with the symptoms.' + +"Ever, ever, ever yours, + +"P.S. Take care how you open it." + +"J.F." + +Such was the note that Handy Andy was given, with particular injunctions +to deliver it the first thing on his arrival at the Hall to Miss +Augusta, and to be sure to take most particular care of the little +case; all which Andy faithfully promised to do. But Andy's usual destiny +prevailed, and an unfortunate exchange of parcels quite upset all +Furlong's sweet little plan of his pretty present and his ingenious +note: for as Andy was just taking his departure, Furlong said he might +as well leave something for him at Reade's, the cutler, as he passed +through College Green, and he handed him a case of razors which wanted +setting, which Andy popped into his pocket, and as the fan case and that +of the razors were much of a size, and both folded up, Andy left the +fan at the cutler's and took the case of razors by way of present +to Augusta. Fancy the rage of a young lady with a very fine pair of +_moustachios_ getting such a souvenir from her lover, with a note, too, +every word of which applied to a beard and a razor, as patly as to a +blush and a fan--and this, too, when her jealousy was aroused and his +fidelity more than doubtful in her estimation. + +Great was the row in Neck-or-Nothing Hall; and when, after three days, +Furlong came down, the nature of his reception may be better imagined +than described. It was a difficult matter, through the storm which raged +around him, to explain all the circumstances satisfactorily, but, by +dint of hard work, the verses were at length disclaimed, the razors +disavowed, and Andy at last sent for to "clear matters up." + +Andy was a hopeful subject for such a purpose, and by his blundering +answers nearly set them all by the ears again; the upshot of the affair +was, that Andy, used as he was to good scoldings, never had such a +torrent of abuse poured on him in his life, and the affair ended in +Andy being dismissed from Neck-or-Nothing Hall on the instant; so he +relinquished his greasy livery for his own rags again, and trudged +homewards to his mother's cabin. + +"She'll be as mad as a hatter with me," said Andy; "bad luck to them for +razhirs, they cut me out o' my place: but I often heard cowld steel +is unlucky, and sure I know it now. Oh! but I'm always unfort'nate in +having cruked messages. Well, it can't be helped; and one good thing +at all events is, I'll have time enough now to go and spake to Father +Blake;" and with this sorry piece of satisfaction poor Andy contented +himself. + + + + +CHAPTER XXVIII + + +The Father Blake, of whom Andy spoke, was more familiarly known by the +name of Father Phil, by which title Andy himself would have named +him, had he been telling how Father Phil cleared a fair, or equally +"leathered" both the belligerent parties in a faction-fight, or turned +out the contents (or malcontents) of a public-house at an improper +hour; but when he spoke of his Reverence respecting ghostly matters, the +importance of the subject begot higher consideration for the man, and +the familiar "Father Phil" was dropped for the more respectful title +of Father Blake. By either title, or in whatever capacity, the +worthy Father had great influence over his parish, and there was a +free-and-easy way with him, even in doing the most solemn duties, which +agreed wonderfully with the devil-may-care spirit of Paddy. Stiff +and starched formality in any way is repugnant to the very nature of +Irishmen; and I believe one of the surest ways of converting all Ireland +from the Romish faith would be found, if we could only manage to have +her mass celebrated with the dry coldness of the Reformation. This may +seem ridiculous at first sight, and I grant it is a grotesque way of +viewing the subject, but yet there may be truth in it; and to consider +it for a moment seriously, look at the fact, that the north of Ireland +is the stronghold of Protestantism, and that the north is the _least_ +Irish portion of the island. There is a strong admixture of Scotch +there, and all who know the country will admit that there is nearly as +much difference between men from the north and south of Ireland as from +different countries. The Northerns retain much of the cold formality +and unbending hardness of the stranger-settlers from whom they are +descended, while the Southerns exhibit that warm-hearted, lively, and +poetical temperament for which the country is celebrated. The prevailing +national characteristics of Ireland are not to be found in the north, +where Protestantism flourishes; they are to be found in the south and +west, where it has never taken root. And though it has never seemed +to strike theologians, that in their very natures some people are more +adapted to receive one faith than another, yet I believe it to be true, +and perhaps not quite unworthy of consideration. There are forms, it is +true, and many in the Romish church, but they are not _cold_ forms, but +_attractive_ rather, to a sensitive people; besides, I believe those +very forms, when observed the least formally, are the most influential +on the Irish; and perhaps the splendours of a High Mass in the gorgeous +temple of the Holy City would appeal less to the affections of an Irish +peasant than the service he witnesses in some half-thatched ruin by a +lone hillside, familiarly hurried through by a priest who has sharpened +his appetite by a mountain ride of some fifteen miles, and is +saying mass (for the third time most likely) before breakfast, which +consummation of his morning's exercise he is anxious to arrive at. + +It was just in such a chapel, and under such circumstances, that Father +Blake was celebrating the mass at which Andy was present, and after +which he hoped to obtain a word of advice from the worthy Father, +who was much more sought after on such occasions than his more sedate +superior who presided over the spiritual welfare of the parish--and +whose solemn celebration of the mass was by no means so agreeable as the +lighter service of Father Phil. The Rev. Dominick Dowling was +austere and long-winded; _his_ mass had an oppressive effect on his +congregation, and from the kneeling multitude might be seen eyes +fearfully looking up from under bent brows, and low breathings and +subdued groans often rose above the silence of his congregation, who +felt like sinners, and whose imaginations were filled with the thoughts +of Heaven's anger; while the good-humoured face of the light-hearted +Father Phil produced a corresponding brightness on the looks of his +hearers, who turned up their whole faces in trustfulness to the mercy of +that Heaven whose propitiatory offering their pastor was making for them +in cheerful tones, which associated well with thoughts of pardon and +salvation. + +Father Dominick poured forth his spiritual influence like a strong dark +stream that swept down the hearer--hopelessly struggling to keep his +head above the torrent, and dreading to be overwhelmed at the next +word. Father Phil's religion bubbled out like a mountain rill--bright, +musical, and refreshing. Father Dominick's people had decidedly need of +cork jackets; Father Phil's might drink and be refreshed. + +But with all this intrinsic worth, he was, at the same time, a strange +man in exterior manners; for, with an abundance of real piety, he had +an abruptness of delivery and a strange way of mixing up an occasional +remark to his congregation in the midst of the celebration of the mass, +which might well startle a stranger; but this very want of formality +made him beloved by the people, and they would do ten times as much for +Father Phil as for Father Dominick. + +On the Sunday in question, when Andy attended the chapel, Father Phil +intended delivering an address to his flock from the altar, urging them +to the necessity of bestirring themselves in the repairs of the chapel, +which was in a very dilapidated condition, and at one end let in the +rain through its worn-out thatch. A subscription was necessary; and +to raise this among a very impoverished people was no easy matter. The +weather happened to be unfavourable, which was most favourable to Father +Phil's purpose, for the rain dropped its arguments through the roof upon +the kneeling people below in the most convincing manner; and as they +endeavoured to get out of the wet, they pressed round the altar as +much as they could, for which they were reproved very smartly by +his Reverence in the very midst of the mass, and these interruptions +occurred sometimes in the most serious places, producing a ludicrous +effect, of which the worthy Father was quite unconscious in his great +anxiety to make the people repair the chapel. + +A big woman was elbowing her way towards the rails of the altar, +and Father Phil, casting a sidelong glance at her, sent her to the +right-about, while he interrupted his appeal to Heaven to address her +thus:--_"Agnus Dei_--you'd better jump over the rails of the althar, I +think. Go along out o' that, there's plenty o' room in the chapel below +there." + +Then he would turn to the altar, and proceed with the service, till +turning again to the congregation he perceived some fresh offender. + +_"Orate, fratres!_--will you mind what I say to you and go along out of +that? there's room below there. Thrue for you, Mrs. Finn--it's a shame +for him to be thramplin' on you. Go along, Darby Casy, down there, and +kneel in the rain; it's a pity you haven't a dacent woman's cloak undher +you indeed!--_Orate, fratres!_" + +Then would the service proceed again, and while he prayed in silence at +the altar, the shuffling of feet edging out of the rain would disturb +him, and casting a backward glance, he would say-- + +"I hear you there--can't you be quiet and not be disturbin' the mass, +you haythens?" + +Again he proceeded in silence, till the crying of a child interrupted +him. He looked round quickly. + +"You'd better kill the child, I think, thramplin' on him, Lavery. Go +out o' that--your conduct is scandalous--_Dominus vobiscum!_" Again he +turned to pray, and after some time he made an interval in the service +to address his congregation on the subject of the repairs, and produced +a paper containing the names of subscribers to that pious work who had +already contributed, by way of example to those who had not. + +"Here it is," said Father Phil, "here it is, and no denying it--down +in black and white; but if they who give are down in black, how much +blacker are those who have not given at all!--but I hope they will +be ashamed of themselves when I howld up those to honour who have +contributed to the uphowlding of the house of God. And isn't it +ashamed o' yourselves you ought to be, to leave His house in such a +condition--and doesn't it rain a'most every Sunday, as if He wished to +remind you of your duty? aren't you wet to the skin a'most every Sunday? +Oh, God is good to you! to put you in mind of your duty, giving you such +bitther cowlds that you are coughing and sneezin' every Sunday to that +degree that you can't hear the blessed mass for a comfort and a benefit +to you; and so you'll go on sneezin' until you put a good thatch on the +place, and prevent the appearance of the evidence from Heaven against +you every Sunday, which is condemning you before your faces, and behind +your backs too, for don't I see this minit a strame o' wather that might +turn a mill running down Micky Mackavoy's back, between the collar of +his coat and his shirt?" + +Here a laugh ensued at the expense of Micky Mackavoy, who certainly +_was_ under a very heavy drip from the imperfect roof. + +"And is it laughing you are, you haythens?" said Father Phil, reproving +the merriment which he himself had purposely created, _that he +might reprove it_. "Laughing is it you are--at your backslidings and +insensibility to the honour of God--laughing, because when you come here +to be _saved_ you are _lost_ intirely with the wet; and how, I ask you, +are my words of comfort to enter your hearts, when the rain is pouring +down your backs at the same time? Sure I have no chance of turning your +hearts while you are undher rain that might turn a mill--but once put a +good roof on the house, and I will inundate you with piety! Maybe it's +Father Dominick you would like to have coming among you, who would grind +your hearts to powdher with his heavy words." (Here a low murmur of +dissent ran through the throng.) "Ha! ha! so you wouldn't like it, I +see. Very well, very well--take care then, for if I find you insensible +to my moderate reproofs, you hard-hearted haythens--you malefacthors and +cruel persecuthors, that won't put your hands in your pockets, because +your mild and quiet poor fool of a pasthor has no tongue in his head!--I +say your mild, quiet, poor fool of a pasthor (for I know my own faults, +partly, God forgive me!), and I can't spake to you as you deserve, you +hard-living vagabones, that are as insensible to your duties as you are +to the weather. I wish it was sugar or salt you were made of, and then +the rain might melt you if I couldn't: but no--them naked rafthers grin +in your face to no purpose--you chate the house of God; but take care, +maybe you won't chate the divil so aisy"--(here there was a sensation). +"Ha! ha! that makes you open your ears, does it? More shame for you; +you ought to despise that dirty enemy of man, and depend on something +betther--but I see I must call you to a sense of your situation with +the bottomless pit undher you, and no roof over you. Oh dear! dear! +dear!--I'm ashamed of you--troth, if I had time and sthraw enough, I'd +rather thatch the place myself than lose my time talking to you; sure +the place is more like a stable than a chapel. Oh, think of that!--the +house of God to be like a stable!--for though our Redeemer, in his +humility, was born in a stable, that is no reason why you are to keep +his house always like one. + +"And now I will read you the list of subscribers, and it will make you +ashamed when you hear the names of several good and worthy Protestants +in the parish, and out of it, too, who have given more than the +Catholics." + +He then proceeded to read the following list, which he interlarded +copiously with observations of his own; making _viv voce_ marginal +notes as it were upon the subscribers, which were not unfrequently +answered by the persons so noticed, from the body of the chapel, and +laughter was often the consequence of these rejoinders, which Father +Phil never permitted to pass without a retort. Nor must all this be +considered in the least irreverent. A certain period is allowed between +two particular portions of the mass, when the priest may address his +congregation on any public matter: an approaching pattern, or fair, or +the like; in which, exhortations to propriety of conduct, or warnings +against faction fights, &c., are his themes. Then they only listen in +reverence. But when a subscription for such an object as that already +mentioned is under discussion, the flock consider themselves entitled to +"put in a word" in case of necessity. + +This preliminary hint is given to the reader, that he may better enter +into the spirit of Father Phil's + +SUBSCRIPTION LIST FOR THE REPAIRS AND ENLARGEMENT OF +BALLY-SLOUGHGUTPHERY CHAPEL + + s. d. PHILIP BLAKE, P.P. + Micky Hicky 0 7 6 "He might as well have made ten + shillings: but half a loaf is betther + than no bread." + + "Plase your reverence," says + Mick, from the body of the chapel, + "sure seven and six-pence is more + than the half of ten shillings." + (_A laugh_.) + + "Oh! how witty you are. 'Faith, + if you knew your duty as well as + your arithmetic, it would be betther + for you, Micky." + + Here the Father turned the laugh + against Mick. + + s. d. + Bill Riley 0 3 4 "Of course he means to subscribe + again. + + s. d. + John Dwyer 0 15 0 "That's something like! I'll + be bound he's only keeping back + the odd five shillings for a brush + full o' paint for the althar; it's as + black as a crow, instead o' being as + white as a dove." + + He then hurried over rapidly some + small subscribers as follows:-- + + Peter Heffernan 0 1 8 + James Murphy 0 2 6 + Mat Donovan 0 1 3 + Luke Dannely 0 3 0 + Jack Quigly 0 2 1 + Pat Finnegan 0 2 2 + Edward O'Connor, Esq. 2 0 0 "There's for you! Edward + O'Connor, Esq., _a Protestant in the + parish_--Two pounds!" + + "Long life to him," cried a voice + in the chapel. + + "Amen," said Father Phil; "I'm + not ashamed to be clerk to so good + a prayer. + + Nicholas Fagan 0 2 6 + Young Nicholas Fagan 0 5 0 "Young Nick is better than owld + Nick, you see." + + The congregation honoured the + Father's demand on their risibility. + + s. d. + Tim Doyle 0 7 6 + Owny Doyl 1 0 0 "Well done, Owny na Coppal--you + deserve to prosper for you + make good use of your thrivings. + + s. d. + Simon Leary 0 2 6 + Bridget Murphy 0 10 0 "You ought to be ashamed o' + yourself, Simon: a lone widow + woman gives more than you." + + Simon answered, "I have a large + family, sir, and she has no childhre." + + "That's not her fault," said the + priest--"and maybe she'll mend o' + that yet." This excited much + merriment, for the widow was buxom, + and had recently buried an old + husband, and, by all accounts, was + cocking her cap at a handsome young + fellow in the parish. + + s. d. + Judy Moylan 0 5 0 Very good, Judy; the women are + behaving like gentlemen; they'll + have their reward in the next world. + + Pat Finnerty 0 3 4 "I'm not sure if it is 8s. 4d. or + 3s. 4d., for the figure is blotted-- + but I believe it is 8s. 4d." + + "It was three and four pince + I gave your reverence," said Pat + from the crowd. + + "Well, Pat, as I said eight and + four pence you must not let me go + back o' my word, so bring me five + shillings next week." + + "Sure you wouldn't have me pay + for a blot, sir?" + + "Yes, I would--that's the rule + of back-mannon, you know, Pat. + When I hit the blot, you pay + for it." + + Here his reverence turned round, + as if looking for some one, and + called out, "Rafferty! Rafferty! + Rafferty! Where are you, Rafferty?" + + An old grey-headed man appeared, + bearing a large plate, and Father + Phil continued-- + + "There now, be active--I'm + sending him among you, good people, + and such as cannot give as + much as you would like to be read + before your neighbours, give what + little you can towards the repairs, + and I will continue to read out the + names by way of encouragement to + you, and the next name I see is + that of Squire Egan. Long life to + him! + s. d. + Squire Egan 5 0 0 "Squire Egan--five pounds-- + listen to that--five pounds--a + Protestant in the parish--five + pounds! 'Faith, the Protestants will + make you ashamed of yourselves, if + we don't take care. + s. d. + Mrs. Flanagan 2 0 0 "Not her own parish, either--a + kind lady. + + s. d. + James Milligan + of Roundtown 1 0 0 "And here I must remark that + the people of Roundtown have not + been backward in coming forward + on this occasion. I have a long list + from Roundtown--I will read it + separate." He then proceeded at a + great pace, jumbling the town and + the pounds and the people in a most + extraordinary manner: "James + Milligan of Roundtown, one pound; + Darby Daly of Roundtown, one + pound; Sam Finnigan of Roundtown, + one pound; James Casey of + Roundpound, one town; Kit Dwyer + of Townpound, one round--pound + I mane; Pat Roundpound--Pounden, + I mane--Pat Pounden a pound + of Poundtown also--there's an + example for you!--but what are you + about, Rafferty? _I don't like the + sound of that plate of yours_;-- + you are not a good gleaner--go up + first into the gallery there, where I + see so many good-looking bonnets--I + suppose they will give something to + keep their bonnets out of the rain, + for the wet will be into the gallery + next Sunday if they don't. I think + that is Kitty Crow I see, getting her + bit of silver ready; them ribbons of + yours cost a trifle, Kitty. Well, + good Christians, here is more of the + subscription for you. + s. d. + Matthew Lavery 0 2 6 "_He_ doesn't belong to + Roundtown--Roundtown will be renowned + in future ages for the support + of the Church. Mark my + words--Roundtown will prosper + from this day out--Roundtown + will be a rising place. + + Mark Hennessy 0 2 6 + Luke Clancy 0 2 6 + John Doolin 0 2 6 "One would think they all agreed + only to give two and sixpence apiece. + And they comfortable men, too! + And look at their names--Matthew, + Mark, Luke, and John, the + names of the Blessed Evangelists, + and only ten shillings among them! + Oh, they are apostles not worthy of + the name--we'll call them the _Poor + Apostles_ from this out" (here a + low laugh ran through the chapel)-- + "Do you hear that, Matthew, Mark, + Luke, and John? 'Faith! I can tell + you that name will stick to you.'" + (Here the laugh was louder.) + + A voice, when the laugh subsided, + exclaimed, "I'll make it ten + shillin's, your reverence." + + "Who's that?" said Father Phil. + + "Hennessy, your reverence." + + "Very well, Mark. I suppose + Matthew, Luke, and John will follow + your example?" + + "We will, your reverence." + + "Ah! I thought you made a mistake; + we'll call you now the _Faithful + Apostles_--and I think the change + in the name is better than seven + and sixpence apiece to you. + + "I see you in the gallery there, + Rafferty. What do you pass that + well-dressed woman for?--thry back + --ha!--see that--she had her money + ready if you only asked for it--don't + go by that other woman + there--oh, oh!--So you won't give + anything, ma'am. You ought to be + ashamed of yourself. There is a + woman with an elegant sthraw bonnet, + and she won't give a farthing. + Well now--afther that--remember--I + give it from the althar, that + _from this day out sthraw bonnets + pay fi'penny pieces._ + + s. d. + Thomas Durfy, Esq. 1 0 0 "It's not his parish and he's a + brave gentleman. + + s. d. + Miss Fanny Dawson 1 0 0 "_A Protestant out of the parish_, + and a sweet young lady, God bless + her! Oh, 'faith, the Protestants is + shaming you!!! + + s. d. + Dennis Fannin 0 7 6 "Very good, indeed, for a working + mason." + + Jemmy Riley 0 5 0 "Not bad for a hedge-carpenther." + + +"I gave you ten, plaze, your reverence," shouted Jemmy, "and by the same +token, you may remember it was on the Nativity of the Blessed Vargin, +sir, I gave you the second five shillin's." + +"So you did, Jemmy," cried Father Phil--"I put a little cross before it, +to remind me of it; but I was in a hurry to make a sick call when you +gave it to me, and forgot it after: and indeed myself doesn't know what +I did with that same five shillings." + +Here a pallid woman, who was kneeling near the rails of the altar, +uttered an impassioned blessing, and exclaimed, "Oh, that was the very +five shillings, I'm sure, you gave to me that very day, to buy some +little comforts for my poor husband, who was dying in the fever!"--and +the poor woman burst into loud sobs as she spoke. + +A deep thrill of emotion ran through the flock as this accidental +proof of their poor pastor's beneficence burst upon them; and as an +affectionate murmur began to rise above the silence which that +emotion produced, the burly Father Philip blushed like a girl at this +publication of his charity, and even at the foot of that altar where he +stood, felt something like shame in being discovered in the commission +of that virtue so highly commended by the Holy One to whose worship the +altar was raised. He uttered a hasty "Whisht--whisht!" and waved with +his outstretched hands his flock into silence. + +In an instant one of those sudden changes common to an Irish assembly, +and scarcely credible to a stranger, took place. The multitude was +hushed--the grotesque of the subscription list had passed away and was +forgotten, and that same man and that same multitude stood in altered +relations--_they_ were again a reverent flock, and _he_ once more a +solemn pastor; the natural play of his nation's mirthful sarcasm +was absorbed in a moment in the sacredness of his office; and with a +solemnity befitting the highest occasion, he placed his hands together +before his breast, and raising his eyes to Heaven he poured forth his +sweet voice, with a tone of the deepest devotion, in that reverential +call to prayer, "_Orate_, _fratres_." + +The sound of a multitude gently kneeling down followed, like the soft +breaking of a quiet sea on a sandy beach; and when Father Philip turned +to the altar to pray, his pent-up feelings found vent in tears; and +while he prayed, he wept. + +I believe such scenes as this are not of unfrequent occurrence in +Ireland; that country so long-suffering, so much maligned, and so little +understood. + +Suppose the foregoing scene to have been only described antecedent +to the woman in the outbreak of her gratitude revealing the priest's +charity, from which he recoiled,--suppose the mirthfulness of the +incidents arising from reading the subscription-list--a mirthfulness +bordering on the ludicrous--to have been recorded, and nothing more, +a stranger would be inclined to believe, and pardonable in the belief, +that the Irish and their priesthood were rather prone to be irreverent; +but observe, under this exterior, the deep sources of feeling that lie +hidden and wait but the wand of divination to be revealed. In a thousand +similar ways are the actions and the motives of the Irish understood by +those who are careless of them; or worse, misrepresented by those whose +interest, and too often _business_, it is to malign them. + +Father Phil could proceed no further with the reading of the +subscription-list, but finished the office of the mass with unusual +solemnity. But if the incident just recorded abridged his address, and +the publication of donors' names by way of stimulus to the less active, +it produced a great effect on those who had but smaller donations to +drop into the plate; and the grey-headed collector, who could have +numbered the scanty coin before the bereaved widow had revealed the +pastor's charity, had to struggle his way afterwards through the eagerly +outstretched hands that showered their hard-earned pence upon the plate, +which was borne back to the altar heaped with contributions, heaped as +it had not been seen for many a day. The studied excitement of +their pride and their shame--and both are active agents in the Irish +nature--was less successful than the accidental appeal to their +affections. + +Oh! rulers of Ireland, why have you not sooner learned to _lead_ that +people by love, whom all your severity has been unable to _drive_? +[Footnote: When this passage was written Ireland was disturbed (as she +has too often been) by special parliamentary provocation:--the vexatious +vigilance of legislative lynxes--the peevishness of paltry persecutors.] + +When the mass was over, Andy waited at the door of the chapel to +catch "his riverence" coming out, and obtain his advice about what he +overheard from Larry Hogan; and Father Phil was accordingly accosted +by Andy just as he was going to get into his saddle to ride over to +breakfast with one of the neighbouring farmers, who was holding the +priest's stirrup at the moment. The extreme urgency of Andy's manner, +as he pressed up to the pastor's side, made the latter pause and inquire +what he wanted. "I want to get some advice from your riverence," said +Andy. + +"'Faith, then, the advice I give you is never to stop a hungry man +when he is going to refresh himself," said Father Phil, who had quite +recovered his usual cheerfulness, and threw his leg over his little grey +hack as he spoke. "How could you be so unreasonable as to expect me to +stop here listening to your case, and giving you advice indeed, when +I have said three masses [Footnote: The office of the mass must be +performed fasting.] this morning, and rode three miles; how could you be +so unreasonable, I say?" + +"I ax your riverence's pardon," said Andy; "I wouldn't have taken the +liberty, only the thing is mighty particular intirely." + +"Well, I tell you again, never ask a hungry man advice; for he is likely +to cut his advice on the patthern of his stomach, and it's empty advice +you'll get. Did you never hear that a 'hungry stomach has no ears'?" + +The farmer who was to have the honour of the priest's company to +breakfast exhibited rather more impatience than the good-humoured Father +Phil, and reproved Andy for his conduct. + +"But it's so particular," said Andy. + +"I wondher you would dar' to stop his riverence, and he black fastin'. +Go 'long wid you!" + +"Come over to my house in the course of the week, and speak to me," said +Father Phil, riding away. + +Andy still persevered, and taking advantage of the absence of the +farmer, who was mounting his own nag at the moment, said the matter of +which he wished to speak involved the interests of Squire Egan, or he +would not "make so bowld." + +This altered the matter; and Father Phil desired Andy to follow him to +the farm-house of John Dwyer, where he would speak to him after he had +breakfasted. + + + + +CHAPTER XXIX + + +John Dwyer's house was a scene of activity that day, for not only was +the priest to breakfast there--always an affair of honour--but a grand +dinner was also preparing on a large scale; for a wedding-feast was to +be held in the house, in honour of Matty Dwyer's nuptials, which were to +be celebrated that day with a neighbouring young farmer, rather well to +do in the world. The match had been on and off for some time, for John +Dwyer was what is commonly called a "close-fisted fellow," and his +would-be son-in-law could not bring him to what he considered proper +terms, and though Matty liked young Casey, and he was fond of her, they +both agreed not to let old Jack Dwyer have the best of the bargain in +portioning off his daughter, who, having a spice of her father in her, +was just as fond of _number one_ as old Jack himself. And here it is +worthy of remark, that, though the Irish are so prone in general to +early and improvident marriages, no people are closer in their nuptial +barter, when they are in a condition to make marriage a profitable +contract. Repeated meetings between the elders of families take place, +and acute arguments ensue, properly to equalise the worldly goods to +be given on both sides. Pots and pans are balanced against pails and +churns, cows against horses, a slip of bog against a gravel-pit, or a +patch of meadow against a bit of a quarry; a little lime-kiln sometimes +burns stronger than the flame of Cupid--the doves of Venus herself are +but crows in comparison with a good flock of geese--and a love-sick +sigh less touching than the healthy grunt of a good pig; indeed, the +last-named gentleman is a most useful agent in this traffic, for when +matters are nearly poised, the balance is often adjusted by a grunter +or two thrown into either scale. While matters are thus in a state of +debate, quarrels sometimes occur between the lovers the gentleman's +caution sometimes takes alarm, and more frequently the lady's pride +is aroused at the too obvious preference given to worldly gain over +heavenly beauty; Cupid shies at Mammon, and Hymen is upset and left in +the mire. + +I remember hearing of an instance of this nature, when the lady gave her +_ci-devant_ lover an ingenious reproof, after they had been separated +some time, when a marriage-bargain was broken off, because the lover +could not obtain from the girl's father a certain brown filly as part of +her dowry. The damsel, after the lapse of some weeks, met her swain at a +neighbouring fair, and the flame of love still smouldering in his heart +was re-illumined by the sight of his charmer, who, on the contrary, +had become quite disgusted with _him_ for his too obvious preference of +profit to true affection. He addressed her softly in a tent, and asked +her to dance, but was most astonished at her returning him a look of +vacant wonder, which tacitly implied, _"Who are you?"_ as plain as looks +could speak. + +"Arrah, Mary," exclaimed the youth. + +"Sir!!!"--answered Mary, with what heroines call "ineffable disdain." + +"Why one would think you didn't know me!" + +"If I ever had the honour of your acquaintance, sir," answered Mary, "I +forget you entirely." + +"Forget me, Mary?--arrah be aisy--is it forget the man that was courtin' +and in love with you?" + +"You're under a mistake, young man," said Mary, with a curl of her rosy +lip, which displayed the pearly teeth to whose beauty her woman's nature +rejoiced that the recreant lover was not yet insensible--"You're under +a mistake, young man," and her heightened colour made her eye flash more +brightly as she spoke--"you're quite under a mistake--no one was ever in +love with _me_;" and she laid signal emphasis on the word. "There was +a dirty mane blackguard, indeed, once _in love with my father's brown +filly,_ but I forget him intirely." + +Mary tossed her head proudly as she spoke, and her filly-fancying +admirer, reeling under the reproof she inflicted, sneaked from the tent, +while Mary stood up and danced with a more open-hearted lover, whose +earnest eye could see more charms in one lovely woman than all the +horses of Arabia. + +But no such result as this was likely to take place in Matty Dwyer's +case; she and her lover agreed with one another on the settlement to +be made, and old Jack was not to be allowed an inch over what was +considered an even bargain. At length all matters were agreed upon, the +wedding-day fixed, and the guests invited; yet still both parties were +not satisfied, but young Casey thought he should be put into absolute +possession of a certain little farm and cottage, and have the lease +looked over to see all was right (for Jack Dwyer was considered rather +slippery), while old Jack thought it time enough to give him possession +and the lease and his daughter altogether. + +However, matters had gone so far that, as the reader has seen, the +wedding-feast was prepared, the guests invited, and Father Phil on the +spot to help James and Matty (in the facetious parlance of Paddy) to +"tie with their tongues what they could not undo with their teeth." + +When the priest had done breakfast, the arrival of Andy was announced to +him, and Andy was admitted to a private audience with Father Phil, the +particulars of which must not be disclosed; for in short, Andy made a +regular confession before the Father, and, we know, confessions must +be held sacred; but we may say that Andy confided the whole post-office +affair to the pastor--told him how Larry Hogan had contrived to worm +that affair out of him, and by his devilish artifice had, as Andy +feared, contrived to implicate Squire Egan in the transaction, and, +by threatening a disclosure, got the worthy Squire into his villanous +power. Andy, under the solemn queries of the priest, positively denied +having said one word to Hogan to criminate the Squire, and that Hogan +could only infer the Squire's guilt; upon which Father Phil, having +perfectly satisfied himself, told Andy to make his mind easy, for that +he would secure the Squire from any harm, and he moreover praised Andy +for the fidelity he displayed to the interests of his old master, and +declared he was so pleased with him, that he would desire Jack Dwyer +to ask him to dinner. "And that will be no blind nut, let me tell you," +said Father Phil--"a wedding dinner, you lucky dog--'lashings [Footnote: +Overflowing abundance, and plenty left after.] and lavings,' and no end +of dancing afther!" + +Andy was accordingly bidden to the bridal feast, to which the guests +began already to gather thick and fast. They strolled about the field +before the house, basked in groups in the sunshine, or lay in the shade +under the hedges, where hints of future marriages were given to many +a pretty girl, and to nudges and pinches were returned small screams +suggestive of additional assault--and inviting denials of "Indeed +I won't," and that crowning provocative to riotous conduct, "Behave +yourself." + +In the meantime, the barn was laid out with long planks, supported on +barrels or big stones, which planks, when covered with clean cloths, +made a goodly board, that soon began to be covered with ample wooden +dishes of corned beef, roasted geese, boiled chickens and bacon, and +intermediate stacks of cabbage and huge bowls of potatoes, all sending +up their wreaths of smoke to the rafters of the barn, soon to become +hotter from the crowd of guests, who, when the word was given, rushed to +the onslaught with right good will. + +The dinner was later than the hour named, and the delay arose from the +absence of one who, of all others, ought to have been present, namely, +the bridegroom. But James Casey was missing, and Jack Dwyer had +been closeted from time to time with several long-headed greybeards, +canvassing the occurrence, and wondering at the default on the +bridegroom's part. The person who might have been supposed to bear this +default the worst supported it better than any one. Matty was all life +and spirits, and helped in making the feast ready, as if nothing wrong +had happened; and she backed Father Phil's argument to sit down to +dinner at once;--"that if James Casey was not there, that was no reason +dinner should be spoiled, he'd be there soon enough; besides, if he +didn't arrive in time, it was better he should have good meat cold, than +everybody have hot meat spoiled: the ducks would be done to cindhers, +the beef boiled to rags, and the chickens be all in jommethry." + +So down they sat to dinner: its heat, its mirth, its clatter, and its +good cheer we will not attempt to describe; suffice it to say, the +viands were good, the guests hungry, and the drink unexceptionable; and +Father Phil, no bad judge of such matters, declared he never pronounced +grace over a better spread. But still, in the midst of the good cheer, +neighbours (the women particularly) would suggest to each other the +"wondher" where the bridegroom could be; and even within ear-shot of the +bride elect, the low-voiced whisper ran, of "Where in the world is James +Casey?" + +Still the bride kept up her smiles, and cheerfully returned the healths +that were drunk to her; but old Jack was not unmoved; a cloud hung on +his brow, which grew darker and darker as the hour advanced, and the +bridegroom yet tarried. The board was cleared of the eatables, and the +copious jugs of punch going their round; but the usual toast of the +united healths of the happy pair could not be given, for one of them +was absent. Father Phil hardly knew what to do; for even his overflowing +cheerfulness began to forsake him, and a certain air of embarrassment +began to pervade the whole assembly, till Jack Dwyer could bear it no +longer, and, standing up, he thus addressed the company:-- + +"Friends and neighbours, you see the disgrace that's put on me and my +child." + +A murmur of "No, no!" ran round the board. + +"I say, yis." + +"He'll come yet, sir," said a voice. + +"No, he won't," said Jack, "I see he won't--I know he won't. He wanted +to have everything all his own way, and he thinks to disgrace me in +doing what he likes, but he shan't"; and he struck the table fiercely as +he spoke; for Jack, when once his blood was up, was a man of desperate +determination. "He's a greedy chap, the same James Casey, and he loves +his bargain betther than he loves you, Matty, so don't look glum about +what I'm saying: I say he's greedy: he's just the fellow that, if you +gave him the roof off your house, would ax you for the rails before your +door; and he goes back of his bargain now, bekase I would not let him +have it all his own way, and puts the disgrace on me, thinkin' I'll give +in to him, through that same; but I won't. And I tell you what it is, +friends and neighbours; here's the lease of the three-cornered field +below there," and he held up a parchment as he spoke, "and a snug +cottage on it, and it's all ready for the girl to walk into with the man +that will have her; and if there's a man among you here that's willing, +let him say the word now, and I'll give her to him!" + +The girl could not resist an exclamation of surprise, which her father +hushed by a word and look so peremptory, that she saw remonstrance +was in vain, and a silence of some moments ensued; for it was rather +startling, this immediate offer of a girl who had been so strangely +slighted, and the men were not quite prepared to make advances, until +they knew something more of the why and wherefore of her sweetheart's +desertion. + +"Are yiz all dumb?" exclaimed Jack, in surprise. "Faix, it's not every +day a snug little field and cottage and a good-looking girl falls in a +man's way. I say again, I'll give her and the lase to the man that will +say the word." + +Still no one spoke, and Andy began to think they were using Jack Dwyer +and his daughter very ill, but what business had _he_ to think of +offering himself, "a poor devil like him"? But, the silence still +continuing, Andy took heart of grace; and as the profit and pleasure of +a snug match and a handsome wife flushed upon him, he got up and said, +"Would I do, sir?" + +Every one was taken by surprise, even old Jack himself; and Matty could +not suppress a faint exclamation, which every one but Andy understood to +mean "she didn't like it at all," but which Andy interpreted quite the +other way, and he grinned his loutish admiration of Matty, who turned +away her head from him in sheer distaste, which action Andy took for +mere coyness. + +Jack was in a dilemma, for Andy was just the last man he would have +chosen as a husband for his daughter; but what could he do? he was +taken at his word, and even at the worst he was determined that some one +should marry the girl out of hand, and show Casey the "disgrace should +not be put on him"; but, anxious to have another chance, he stammered +something about the fairness of "letting the girl choose," and that +"some one else might wish to spake"; but the end of all was, that no one +rose to rival Andy, and Father Phil bore witness to the satisfaction he +had that day in finding so much uprightness and fidelity in "the boy"; +that he had raised his character much in his estimation by his conduct +that day; and if he was a little giddy betimes, there was nothing like +a wife to steady him; and if he was rather poor, sure Jack Dwyer could +mend that. + +"Then come up here," says Jack; and Andy left his place at the very end +of the board and marched up to the head, amidst clapping of hands and +thumping of the table, and laughing and shouting. + +"Silence!" cried Father Phil, "this is no laughing matther, but a +serious engagement--and, John Dwyer, I tell you--and you Andy Rooney, +that girl must not be married against her own free-will; but if she has +no objection, well and good." + +"My will is her pleasure, I know," said Jack, resolutely. + +To the surprise of every one, Matty said, "Oh, I'll take the boy with +all my heart!" + +Handy Andy threw his arms round her neck and gave her a most vigorous +salute which came smacking off, and thereupon arose a hilarious shout +which made the old rafters of the barn ring again. + +"There's the lase for you," said Jack, handing the parchment to Andy, +who was now installed in the place of honour beside the bride elect at +the head of the table, and the punch circulated rapidly in filling to +the double toast of health, happiness, and prosperity to the "happy +pair"; and after some few more circuits of the enlivening liquor had +been performed, the women retired to the dwelling-house, whose sanded +parlour was put in immediate readiness for the celebration of the +nuptial knot between Matty and the adventurous Andy. + +In half an hour the ceremony was performed, and the rites and blessings +of the Church dispensed between two people, who, an hour before, had +never looked on each other with thoughts of matrimony. + +Under such circumstances it was wonderful with what lightness of +spirit Matty went through the honours consequent on a peasant bridal in +Ireland: these, it is needless to detail; our limits would not permit; +but suffice it to say, that a rattling country-dance was led off by Andy +and Matty in the barn, intermediate jigs were indulged in by the "picked +dancers" of the parish, while the country dancers were resting and +making love (if making love can be called rest) in the corners, and that +the pipers and punch-makers had quite enough to do until the night was +far spent, and it was considered time for the bride and bridegroom to be +escorted by a chosen party of friends to the little cottage which was to +be their future home. The pipers stood at the threshold of Jack Dwyer, +and his daughter departed from under the "roof-tree" to the tune of "Joy +be with you"; and then the lilters, heading the body-guard of the bride, +plied drone and chanter right merrily until she had entered her new +home, thanked her old friends (who did all the established civilities, +and cracked all the usual jokes attendant on the occasion); and Andy +bolted the door of the snug cottage of which he had so suddenly become +master, and placed a seat for the bride beside the fire, requesting +_"Miss Dwyer"_ to sit down--for Andy could not bring himself to call her +"Matty" yet--and found himself in an awkward position in being "lord +and master" of a girl he considered so far above him a few hours before; +Matty sat quiet, and looked at the fire. + +"It's very quare, isn't it?" says Andy with a grin, looking at her +tenderly, and twiddling his thumbs. + +"What's quare?" inquired Matty, very drily. + +"The estate," responded Andy. + +"What estate?" asked Matty. + +"Your estate and my estate," said Andy. + +"Sure you don't call the three-cornered field my father gave us an +estate, you fool?" answered Matty. + +"Oh no," said Andy. "I mane the blessed and holy estate of matrimony the +priest put us in possession of;" and Andy drew a stool near the heiress, +on the strength of the hit he thought he had made. + +"Sit at the other side of the fire," said Matty, very coldly. + +"Yes, miss," responded Andy, very respectfully; and in shoving his seat +backwards the legs of the stool caught in the earthen floor, and Andy +tumbled heels over head. + +Matty laughed while Andy was picking himself up with increased +confusion at this mishap; for even amidst rustics there is nothing more +humiliating than a lover placing himself in a ridiculous position at the +moment he is doing his best to make himself agreeable. + +"It is well your coat's not new," said Matty, with a contemptuous look +at Handy's weather-beaten vestment. + +"I hope I'll soon have a betther," said Andy, a little piqued, with all +his reverence for the heiress, at this allusion to his poverty. "But +sure it wasn't the coat you married, but the man that's in it; and sure +I'll take off my clothes as soon as you please, Matty, my dear--Miss +Dwyer, I mane--I beg your pardon." + +"You had better wait till you get better," answered Matty, very drily. +"You know the old saying, 'Don't throw out your dirty wather until you +get in fresh.'" + +"Ah, darlin', don't be cruel to me!" said Andy, in a supplicating tone. +"I know I'm not desarvin' of you, but sure I did not make so bowld as to +make up to you until I seen that nobody else would have you." + +"Nobody else have me!" exclaimed Matty, as her eyes flashed with anger. + +"I beg your pardon, miss," said poor Andy, who in the extremity of his +own humility had committed such an offence against Matty's pride. "I +only meant that--" + +"Say no more about it," said Matty, who recovered her equanimity. +"Didn't my father give you the lase of the field and house?" + +"Yis, miss." + +"You had better let me keep it then; 'twill be safer with me than you." + +"Sartainly," said Andy, who drew the lease from his pocket and handed it +to her, and--as he was near to her--he attempted a little familiarity, +which Matty repelled very unequivocally. + +"Arrah! is it jokes you are crackin'?" said Andy, with a grin, advancing +to renew his fondling. + +"I tell you what it is," said Matty, jumping up, "I'll crack your head +if you don't behave yourself!" and she seized the stool on which she had +been sitting, and brandished it in a very amazonian fashion. + +"Oh, wirra! wirra!" said Andy, in amaze--"aren't you my wife?" + +"_Your_ wife!" retorted Matty, with a very devil in her eye--"_Your_ +wife, indeed, you great _omadhaun_; why, then, had you the brass to +think I'd put up with _you_?" + +"Arrah, then, why did you marry me?" said Andy, in a pitiful +argumentative whine. + +"Why did I marry you?" retorted Matty--"Didn't I know betther than +refuse you, when my father said the word _when the divil was busy +with him_? Why did I marry you?--it's a pity I didn't refuse, and be +murthered that night, maybe, as soon as the people's backs was turned. +Oh, it's little you know of owld Jack Dwyer, or you wouldn't ask me +that; but, though I'm afraid of him, I'm not afraid of you--so stand off +I tell you." + +"Oh, Blessed Virgin!" cried Andy; "and what will be the end of it?" + +There was a tapping at the door as he spoke. + +"You'll soon see what will be the end of it," said Matty, as she walked +across the cabin and opened to the knock. + +James Casey entered and clasped Matty in his arms; and half a dozen +athletic fellows and one old and debauched-looking man followed, and the +door was immediately closed after their entry. + +Andy stood in amazement while Casey and Matty caressed each other; and +the old man said in a voice tremulous with intoxication, "A very pretty +filly, by jingo!" + +"I lost no time the minute I got your message, Matty," said Casey, "and +here's the Father ready to join us." + +"Ay, ay," cackled the old reprobate--"hammer and tongs!--strike while +the iron's hot!--I'm the boy for a short job"; and he pulled a greasy +book from his pocket as he spoke. + +This was a degraded clergyman, known in Ireland under the title of +"Couple-Beggar," who is ready to perform irregular marriages on such +urgent occasions as the present; and Matty had contrived to inform James +Casey of the desperate turn affairs had taken at home, and recommended +him to adopt the present plan, and so defeat the violent measure of her +father by one still more so. + +A scene of uproar now ensued, for Andy did not take matters quietly, but +made a pretty considerable row, which was speedily quelled, however, by +Casey's bodyguard, who tied Andy neck and heels, and in that +helpless state he witnessed the marriage ceremony performed by the +"couple-beggar," between Casey and the girl he had looked upon as his +own five minutes before. + +In vain did he raise his voice against the proceeding; the +"couple-beggar" smothered his objections in ribald jests. + +"You can't take her from me, I tell you," cried Andy. + +"No; but we can take you from her," said the "couple-beggar"; and, at +the words, Casey's friends dragged Andy from the cottage, bidding a +rollicking adieu to their triumphant companion, who bolted the door +after them and became possessor of the wife and property poor Andy +thought he had secured. + +To guard against an immediate alarm being given, Andy was warned on pain +of death to be silent as his captors bore him along, and he took them +to be too much men of their word to doubt they would keep their promise. +They bore him through a lonely by-lane for some time, and on arriving at +the stump of an old tree, bound him securely to it, and left him to pass +his wedding-night in the tight embraces of hemp. + + + + +CHAPTER XXX + + +The news of Andy's wedding, so strange in itself, and being celebrated +before so many, spread over the country like wildfire, and made the talk +of half the barony for the next day, and the question, "_Arrah, did +you hear of the wondherful wedding?_" was asked in high-road and +by-road,--and scarcely a _boreen_ whose hedges had not borne witness +to this startling matrimonial intelligence. The story, like all other +stories, of course got twisted into various strange shapes, and +fanciful exaggerations became grafted on the original stem, sufficiently +grotesque in itself; and one of the versions set forth how old Jack +Dwyer, the more to vex Casey, had given his daughter the greatest +fortune that ever had been heard of in the country. + +Now one of the open-eared people who had caught hold of the story by +this end happened to meet Andy's mother, and, with a congratulatory +grin, began with "The top o' the mornin' to you, Mrs. Rooney, and sure I +wish you joy." + +"Och hone, and for why, dear?" answered Mrs. Rooney, "sure, it's nothin' +but trouble and care I have, poor and in want, like me." + +"But sure you'll never be in want any more." + +"Arrah, who towld you so, agra?" + +"Sure the boy will take care of you now, won't he?" + +"What boy?" + +"Andy, sure!" + +"Andy!" replied his mother, in amazement. "Andy, indeed!--out o' place, +and without a bawbee to bless himself with!--stayin' out all night, the +blackguard!" + +"By this and that, I don't think you know a word about it," cried the +friend, whose turn it was for wonder now. + +"Don't I, indeed?" said Mrs. Rooney, huffed at having her word doubted, +as she thought. "I tell you he never _was_ at home last night, and +maybe it's yourself was helping him, Micky Lavery, to keep his bad +coorses--the slingein' dirty blackguard that he is." + +Micky Lavery set up a shout of laughter, which increased the ire of Mrs. +Rooney, who would have passed on in dignified silence but that Micky +held her fast, and when he recovered breath enough to speak, he +proceeded to tell her about Andy's marriage, but in such a disjointed +way, that it was some time before Mrs. Rooney could comprehend him--for +his interjectional laughter at the capital joke it was, that she should +be the last to know it, and that he should have the luck to tell +it, sometimes broke the thread of his story--and then his collateral +observations so disfigured the tale, that its incomprehensibility became +very much increased, until at last Mrs. Rooney was driven to push him by +direct questions. + +"For the tendher mercy, Micky Lavery, make me sinsible, and don't +disthract me--is the boy married?" + +"Yis, I tell you." + +"To Jack Dwyer's daughter?" + +"Yis." + +"And gev him a fort'n'?" + +"Gev him half his property, I tell you, and he'll have all when the owld +man's dead." + +"Oh, more power to you, Andy!" cried his mother in delight: "it's you +that _is_ the boy, and the best child that ever was! Half his property, +you tell me, _Misther_ Lavery?" added she, getting distant and polite +the moment she found herself mother to a rich man, and curtailing her +familiarity with a poor one like Lavery. + +"Yes, _ma'am_," said Lavery, touching his hat, "and the whole of it when +the owld man dies." + +"Then indeed I wish him a happy relase!" [Footnote: A "happy release" +is the Irish phrase for departing this life] said Mrs. Rooney, +piously--"not that I owe the man any spite--but sure he'd be no +loss--and it's a good wish to any one, sure, to wish them in heaven. +Good mornin', Misther Lavery," said Mrs. Rooney, with a patronising +smile, and "going the road with a dignified air." + +Mick Lavery looked after her with mingled wonder and indignation. "Bad +luck to you, you owld sthrap!" he muttered between his teeth. "How +consaited you are, all of a sudden--by Jakers, I'm sorry I +towld you--cock you up, indeed--put a beggar on horseback to be +sure--humph!--the devil cut the tongue out o' me if ever I give any one +good news again. I've a mind to turn back and tell Tim Dooling his horse +is in the pound." + +Mrs. Rooney continued her dignified pace as long as she was in sight +of Lavery, but the moment an angle of the road screened her from his +observation, off she set, running as hard as she could, to embrace her +darling Andy, and realise with her own eyes and ears all the good news +she had heard. She puffed out by the way many set phrases about the +goodness of Providence, and arranged at the same time sundry fine +speeches to make to the bride; so that the old lady's piety and flattery +ran a strange couple together along with herself; while mixed up with +her prayers and her blarney, were certain speculations about Jack +Dwyer--as to how long he could _live_--and how much he might _leave_. + +It was in this frame of mind she reached the hill which commanded a view +of the three-cornered field and the snug cottage, and down she rushed to +embrace her darling Andy and his gentle bride. Puffing and blowing like +a porpoise, bang she went into the cottage, and Matty being the first +person she met, she flung herself upon her, and covered her with +embraces and blessings. + +Matty, being taken by surprise, was some time before she could shake off +the old beldame's hateful caresses; but at last getting free and tucking +up her hair, which her imaginary mother-in-law had clawed about her +ears, she exclaimed in no very gentle tones-- + +"Arrah, good woman, who axed for _your_ company--who are you at all?" + +"Your mother-in-law, jewel!" cried the Widow Rooney, making another +open-armed rush at her beloved daughter-in-law; but Matty received the +widow's protruding mouth on her clenched fist instead of her lips, and +the old woman's nose coming in for a share of Matty's knuckles, a ruby +stream spurted forth, while all the colours of the rainbow danced before +Mrs. Rooney's eyes as she reeled backward on the floor. + +"Take that, you owld faggot!" cried Matty, as she shook Mrs. Rooney's +tributary claret from the knuckles which had so scientifically tapped +it, and wiped her hand in her apron. + +The old woman roared "millia' murthur" on the floor, and snuffled out a +deprecatory question "if that was the proper way to be received in her +son's house." + +"_Your_ son's house, indeed!" cried Matty. "Get out o' the place, you +stack o' rags." + +"Oh, Andy! Andy!" cried the mother, gathering herself up. + +"Oh--that's it, is it!" cried Matty; "so it's Andy you want?" + +"To be sure: why wouldn't I want him, you hussy? My boy! my darlin'! my +beauty!" + +"Well, go look for him!" cried Matty, giving her a shove towards the +door. "Well, now, do you think I'll be turned out of my son's house +so quietly as that, you unnatural baggage?" cried Mrs. Rooney, facing +round, fiercely. Upon which a bitter altercation ensued between the +women; in the course of which the widow soon learnt that Andy was not +the possessor of Matty's charms: whereupon the old woman, no longer +having the fear of damaging her daughter-in-law's beauty before her +eyes, tackled to for a fight in right earnest, in the course of which +some reprisals were made by the widow in revenge for her broken nose; +but Matty's youth and activity, joined to her Amazonian spirit, turned +the tide in her favour, though, had not the old lady been blown by her +long run, the victory would not have been so easy, for she was a tough +customer, and _left_ Matty certain marks of her favour that did not +rub out in a hurry--while she took _away_ (as a keepsake) a handful of +Matty's hair, by which she had long held on till a successful kick from +the gentle bride finally ejected Mrs. Rooney from the house. + +Off she reeled, bleeding and roaring, and while on her approach she +had been blessing Heaven and inventing sweet speeches for Matty, on her +retreat she was cursing fate and heaping all sorts of hard names on the +Amazon she came to flatter. Alas, for the brevity of human exultation! + +How fared it in the meantime with Andy? He, poor devil! had passed a +cold night, tied up to the old tree, and as the morning dawned, every +object appeared to him through the dim light in a distorted form; the +gaping hollow of the old trunk to which he was bound seemed like a huge +mouth, opening to swallow him, while the old knots looked like eyes, +and the gnarled branches like claws, staring at and ready to tear him in +pieces. + +A raven, perched above him on a lonely branch, croaked dismally, till +Andy fancied he could hear words of reproach in the sounds, while a +little tomtit chattered and twittered on a neighbouring bough, as if +he enjoyed and approved of all the severe things the raven uttered. The +little tomtit was the worst of the two, just as the solemn reproof +of the wise can be better borne than the impertinent remark of some +chattering fool. To these imaginary evils was added the reality of some +enormous water-rats that issued from an adjacent pool and began to eat +Andy's hat and shoes, which had fallen off in his struggle with his +captors; and all Andy's warning ejaculations could not make the vermin +abstain from his shoes and his hat, which, to judge from their eager +eating, could not stay their stomachs long, so that Andy, as he looked +on at the rapid demolition, began to dread that they might transfer +their favours from his attire to himself, until the tramp of approaching +horses relieved his anxiety, and in a few minutes two horsemen stood +before him--they were Father Phil and Squire Egan. + +Great was the surprise of the Father to see the fellow he had married +the night before, and whom he supposed to be in the enjoyment of his +honeymoon, tied up to a tree and looking more dead than alive; and his +indignation knew no bounds when he heard that a "couple-beggar" had +dared to celebrate the marriage ceremony, which fact came out in the +course of the explanation Andy made of the desperate misadventure which +had befallen him; but all other grievances gave way in the eyes of +Father Phil to the "couple-beggar." + +"A 'couple-beggar'!--the audacious vagabones!" he cried, while he and +the Squire were engaged in loosing Andy's bonds. "A 'couple-beggar' +in my parish! How fast they have tied him up, Squire!" he added, as he +endeavoured to undo a knot. "A 'couple-beggar,' indeed! I'll undo the +marriage!--have you a knife about you, Squire?--the blessed and holy tie +of matrimony!--it's a black knot, bad luck to it, and must be cut--take +your leg out o' that now--and wait till I lay my hands on them--a +'couple-beggar' indeed!" + +"A desperate outrage this whole affair has been!" said the Squire. + +"But a 'couple-beggar,' Squire." + +"His house broken into--" + +"But a 'couple-beggar'--" + +"His wife taken from him--" + +"But a 'couple-beggar'--" + +"The laws violated--" + +"But _my dues_, Squire--think o' that!--what would become o' _them_, if +'couple-beggars' is allowed to show their audacious faces in the parish. +Oh, wait till next Sunday, that's all--I'll have them up before the +althar, and I'll make them beg God's pardon, and my pardon, and the +congregation's pardon, the audacious pair!" [Footnote: A man and woman +who had been united by a "couple-beggar" were called up one Sunday by +the priest in the face of the congregation, and summoned, as Father Phil +threatens above, to beg God's pardon, and the priest's pardon, and the +congregation's pardon; but the woman stoutly refused the last condition. +"I'll beg God's pardon and your Reverence's pardon," she said, "but I +won't beg the congregation's pardon." "You won't?" says the priest. +"I won't," says she. "Oh you conthrairy baggage," cried his Reverence: +"take her home out o' that," said he to her husband who HAD humbled +himself--"take her home, and leather her well--for she wants it; and if +you don't leather her, you'll be sorry--for if you don't make her afraid +of you, she'll master YOU, too--take her home and leather her."--FACT.] + +"It's an assault on Andy," said the Squire. + +"It's a robbery on me," said Father Phil. + +"Could you identify the men?" said the Squire. + +"Do you know the 'couple-beggar'?" said the priest. + +"Did James Casey lay his hands on you?" said the Squire; "for he's a +good man to have a warrant against." + +"Oh, Squire, Squire!" ejaculated Father Phil; "talking of laying hands +on _him_ is it you are?--didn't that blackguard 'couple-beggar' lay +his dirty hands on a woman that my bran new benediction was upon! Sure, +they'd do anything after that!" By this time Andy was free, and having +received the Squire's directions to follow him to Merryvale, Father +Phil and the worthy Squire were once more in their saddles and proceeded +quietly to the same place, the Squire silently considering the audacity +of the _coup-de-main_ which robbed Andy of his wife, and his reverence +puffing out his rosy cheeks and muttering sundry angry sentences, the +only intelligible words of which were "couple-beggar." + + + + +CHAPTER XXXI + + +Doubtless the reader has anticipated that the presence of Father Phil in +the company of the Squire at this immediate time was on account of the +communication made by Andy about the post-office affair. Father Phil had +determined to give the Squire freedom from the strategetic coil in which +Larry Hogan had ensnared him, and lost no time in setting about it; and +it was on his intended visit to Merryvale that he met its hospitable +owner, and telling him there was a matter of some private importance he +wished to communicate, suggested a quiet ride together; and this it +was which led to their traversing the lonely little lane where they +discovered Andy, whose name was so principal in the revelations of that +day. + +To the Squire those revelations were of the dearest importance; for they +relieved his mind from a weight which had been oppressing it for some +time, and set his heart at rest. Egan, it must be remarked, was an odd +mixture of courage and cowardice: undaunted by personal danger, but +strangely timorous where moral courage was required. A remarkable +shyness, too, made him hesitate constantly in the utterance of a word +which might explain away any difficulty in which he chanced to find +himself; and this helped to keep his tongue tied in the matter where +Larry Hogan had continued to make himself a bugbear. He had a horror, +too, of being thought capable of doing a dishonourable thing, and the +shame he felt at having peeped into a letter was so stinging, that the +idea of asking any one's advice in the dilemma in which he was placed +made him recoil from the thought of such aid. Now, Father Phil had +relieved him from the difficulties his own weakness imposed; the subject +had been forced upon him; and once forced to speak he made a full +acknowledgment of all that had taken place; and when he found Andy had +not borne witness against him, and that Larry Hogan only _inferred_ his +participation in the transaction, he saw on Father Phil's showing that +he was not really in Larry Hogan's power; for though he admitted he had +given Larry a trifle of money from time to time when Larry asked for it, +under the influence of certain innuendoes, yet that was no proof against +him; and Father Phil's advice was to get Andy out of the way as soon as +possible, and then to set Larry quietly at defiance--that is to say, in +Father Phil's own words, "to keep never minding him." + +Now Andy not being encumbered with a wife (as fate had so ordained it) +made the matter easier, and the Squire and the Father, as they rode +towards Merryvale together to dinner, agreed to pack off Andy without +delay, and thus place him beyond Hogan's power; and as Dick Dawson was +going to London with Murphy, to push the petition against Scatterbrain's +return, it was looked upon as a lucky chance, and Andy was at once named +to bear them company. + +"But you must not let Hogan know that Andy is sent away under your +patronage, Squire," said the Father, "for that would be presumptive +evidence you had an interest in his absence; and Hogan is the very +blackguard would see it fast enough, for he is a knowing rascal." + +"He's the deepest scoundrel I ever met," said the Squire. + +"As knowing as a jailer," said Father Phil. "A jailer, did I say--by +dad, he bates any jailer I ever heard of--for that fellow is so 'cute, +he _could keep Newgate with a book and eye."_ + +"By-the-bye, there's one thing I forgot to tell you, respecting those +letters I threw into the fire; for remember, Father, I only peeped into +_one_ and destroyed the others; but one of the letters, I must tell you, +was directed to yourself." + +"'Faith, then, I forgive you that, Squire," said Father Phil, "for I +hate letters; but if you have any scruple of conscience on the subject, +write me one yourself, and that will do as well." + +The Squire could not help thinking the Father's mode of settling the +difficulty worthy of Handy Andy himself; but he did not tell the Father +so. + +They had now reached Merryvale, where the good-humoured priest was +heartily welcomed, and where Doctor Growling, Dick Dawson, and Murphy +were also guests at dinner. Great was the delight of the party at the +history they heard, when the cloth was drawn, of Andy's wedding, so +much in keeping with his former life and adventures, and Father Phil had +another opportunity of venting his rage against the "couple-beggar." + +"That was but a slip-knot you tied, Father," said the doctor. + +"Aye, aye! joke away, doctor." + +"Do you think, Father Phil," said Murphy, "that _that_ marriage was made +in heaven, where we are told marriages _are_ made?" + +"I don't suppose it was, Mr. Murphy; for if it had it would have held +upon earth." + +"Very well answered, Father," said the Squire. + +"I don't know what other people think about matches being made in +heaven," said Growling, "but I have my suspicions they are sometimes +made in another place." + +"Oh, fie, doctor!" said Mrs. Egan. + +"The doctor, ma'am, is an old bachelor," said Father Phil, "or he +wouldn't say so." + +"Thank you, Father Phil, for so polite a speech." + +The doctor took his pencil from his pocket and began to write on a small +bit of paper, which the priest observing, asked him what he was about, +"or is it writing a prescription you are," said he, "for compounding +better marriages than I can?" + +"Something very naughty, I dare say, the doctor is doing," said Fanny +Dawson. + +"Judge for yourself, lady fair," said the doctor, handing Fanny the slip +of paper. + +Fanny looked at it for a moment and smiled, but declared it was very +wicked indeed. + +"Then read it for the company, and condemn me out of your own pretty +mouth, Miss Dawson," said the doctor. + +"It is too wicked." + +"If it is ever so wicked," said Father Phil, "the wickedness will be +neutralised by being read by an angel." + +"Well done, St. Omer's," cried Murphy. + +"Really, Father," said Fanny, blushing, "you are desperately gallant +to-day, and just to shame you, and show how little of an angel I am, I +_will_ read the doctor's epigram:-- + + 'Though matches are all made in heaven, they say, + Yet Hymen, who mischief oft hatches, + Sometimes deals with the house _t'other side of the way_, + And _there_ they make _Lucifer_ matches.'" + +"Oh, doctor! I'm afraid you are a woman-hater," said Mrs. Egan. "Come +away, Fanny, I am sure they want to get rid of us." + +"Yes," said Fanny, rising and joining her sister, who was leaving the +room, "and now, after abusing poor Hymen, gentlemen, we leave you to +your favourite worship of Bacchus." + +The departure of the ladies changed the conversation, and after the +gentlemen had resumed their seats, the doctor asked Dick Dawson how soon +he intended going to London. + +"I start immediately," said Dick. "Don't forget to give me that letter +of introduction to your friend in Dublin, whom I long to know." + +"Who is he?" asked the Squire. + +"One Tom Loftus--or, as his friends call him, 'Piping Tom,' from his +vocal powers; or, as some nickname him, '_Organ_ Loftus,' from his +imitation of that instrument, which is an excessively comical piece of +caricature." + +"Oh! I know him well," said Father Phil. + +"How did you manage to become acquainted with him?" inquired the doctor, +"for I did not think he lay much in your way." + +"It was _he_ became acquainted with me," said Father Phil, "and this +was the way of it--he was down on a visit betimes in the parish I was in +before this, and his behaviour was so wild that I was obliged to make +an allusion in the chapel to his indiscretions, and threaten to make +his conduct a subject of severe public censure if he did not mind his +manners a little better. Well, my dear, who should call on me on +the Monday morning after but Misther Tom, all smiles and graces, and +protesting he was sorry he fell under my displeasure, and hoping I would +never have cause to find fault with him again. Sure, I thought he was +repenting of his misdeeds, and I said I was glad to hear such good +words from him. 'A' then, Father,' says he, 'I hear you have got a great +curiosity from Dublin--a shower-bath, I hear?' So I said I had: and +indeed, to be candid, I was as proud as a peacock of the same bath, +which tickled my fancy when I was once in town, and so I bought it. +'Would you show it to me?' says he. 'To be sure,' says I, and off I +went, like a fool, and put the wather on the top, and showed him how, +when a string was pulled, down it came--and he pretended not clearly +to understand the thing, and at last he said, 'Sure it's not into that +sentry-box you get?' says he. 'Oh yes,' said I, getting into it quite +innocent; when, my dear, he slaps the door and fastens it on me, and +pulls the string and souses me with the water, and I with my best suit +of black on me. I roared and shouted inside while Misther Tom Loftus was +screechin' laughing outside, and dancing round the room with delight. At +last, when he could speak, he said, 'Now, Father, we're even,' says he, +'for the abuse you gave me yesterday,' and off he ran." + +"That's just like him," said old Growling, chuckling; "he's a queer +devil. I remember on one occasion a poor dandy puppy, who was in the +same office with him--for Tom is in the Ordnance department, you must +know--this puppy, sir, wanted to go to the Ashbourne races and cut a +figure in the eyes of a rich grocer's daughter he was sweet upon." + +"Being sweet upon a grocer's daughter," said Murphy, "is like bringing +coals to Newcastle." + +"'Faith! it was coals to Newcastle with a vengeance, in the present +case, for the girl would have nothing to say to him, and Tom had great +delight whenever he could annoy this poor fool in his love-making plots. +So, when he came to Tom to ask for the loan of his horse, Tom said he +should have him _if he could make the smallest use of him_--'but I don't +think you can,' said Tom. 'Leave that to me,' said the youth. 'I don't +think you could make him go,' said Tom. 'I'll buy a new pair of spurs,' +said the puppy. 'Let them be handsome ones,' said Tom. 'I was looking at +a very handsome pair at Lamprey's, yesterday,' said the young gentleman. +'Then you can buy them on your way to my stables,' said Tom; and sure +enough, sir, the youth laid out his money on a very costly pair of +persuaders, and then proceeded homewards with Tom. 'Now, with all your +spurs,' said Tom, 'I don't think you'll be able to make him go.' 'Is he +so very vicious, then?' inquired the youth, who began to think of his +neck. 'On the contrary,' said Tom, 'he's perfectly quiet, but won't go +for _you_, I'll bet a pound.' 'Done!' said the youth. 'Well, try him,' +said Tom, as he threw open the stable door. 'He's lazy, I see,' said the +youth; 'for he's lying down.' 'Faith, he is,' said Tom, 'and hasn't got +up these two days!' 'Get up, you brute!' said the innocent youth, giving +a smart cut of his whip on the horse's flank; but the horse did not +budge. '_Why, he's dead!_' says he. 'Yes,' says Tom, 'since Monday last. +So I don't think you can make him go, and you've lost your bet!'" + +"That was hardly a fair joke," said the Squire. + +"Tom never stops to think of that," returned the doctor; "he's the +oddest fellow I ever knew. The last time I was in Dublin, I called on +Tom and found him one bitter cold and stormy morning standing at an open +window, nearly quite undressed. On asking him what he was about, he +said he was _getting up a bass voice_; that Mrs. Somebody, who gave good +dinners and bad concerts, was disappointed of her bass singer, 'and I +think,' said Tom, 'I'll be hoarse enough in the evening to take double +B flat. Systems are the fashion now,' said he; 'there is the Logierian +system and other systems, and mine is the Cold-air-ian system, and the +best in the world for getting up a bass voice.'" + +"That was very original certainly," said the Squire. + +"But did you ever hear of his adventure with the Duke of Wellington?" +said the doctor. + +"The Duke!" they all exclaimed. + +"Yes--that is, when he was only Sir Arthur Wellesley. Well, I'll tell +you." + +"Stop," said the Squire, "a fresh story requires a fresh bottle. Let me +ring for some claret." + + + + +CHAPTER XXXII + + +The servant who brought in the claret announced at the same time the +arrival of a fresh guest in the person of "Captain Moriarty," who +was welcomed by most of the party by the name of Randal. The Squire +regretted he was too late for dinner, inquiring at the same time if +he would like to have something to eat at the side-table; but Randal +declined the offer, assuring the Squire he had got some refreshment +during the day while he had been out shooting; but as the sport led, him +near Merryvale, and "he had a great thirst upon him," he did not know a +better house in the country wherein to have "that same" satisfied. + +"Then you're just in time for some cool claret," said the Squire; "so +sit down beside the doctor, for he must have the first glass and broach +the bottle, before he broaches the story he's going to tell us--that's +only fair." + +The doctor filled his glass, and tasted. "What a nice _'chateau,' +'Margaux'_ must be," said he, as he laid down his glass. "I should like +to be a tenant-at-will there, at a small rent." + +"And no taxes," said Dick. + +"Except my duty to the claret," replied the doctor. + + 'My favourite chateau, + Is that of Margaux.' + +"By-the-bye, talking of _chateau_, there's the big brewer over at the +town, who is anxious to affect gentility, and he heard some one use the +word _chapeau_, and having found out it was the French for _hat_, he +determined to show off on the earliest possible occasion, and selected +a public meeting of some sort to display his accomplishment. Taking +some cause of objection to the proceedings, as an excuse for leaving the +meeting, he said, 'Gentlemen, the fact is I can't agree with you, so I +may as well take my _chateau_ under my arm at once, and walk.'" + +[Illustration: Tom Organ Loftus and the Duke] + +"Is not that an invention of your own, doctor?" said the Squire. + +"I heard it for fact," said Growling. + +"And 't is true," added Murphy, "for I was present when he said it. And +at an earlier part of the proceedings he suggested that the parish clerk +should read the resolutions, because he had a good '_laudable_ voice.'" + +"A parish clerk ought to have," said the doctor--"eh, Father +Phil?--'_Laudamus!_'" + +"Leave your Latin," said Dick, "and tell us that story you promised +about the Duke and Tom Loftus." + +"Right, Misther Dick," said Father Phil. + +"The story, doctor," said the Squire. + +"Oh, don't make such bones about it," said Growling; "'tis but a trifle +after all; only it shows you what a queer and reckless rascal Tom is. I +told you he was called '_Organ_' Loftus by his friends, in consequence +of the imitation he makes of that instrument; and it certainly is worth +hearing and seeing, for your eyes have as much to do with the affair +as your ears. Tom plants himself on a high office-stool, before one of +those lofty desks with long rows of drawers down each side and a +hole between to put your legs under. Well, sir, Tom pulls out the +top drawers, like the stops of an organ, and the lower ones by way of +pedals: and then he begins thrashing the desk like the finger-board of +an organ with his hands, while his feet kick away at the lower drawers +as if he were the greatest pedal performer out of Germany, and he +emits a rapid succession of grunts and squeaks, producing a ludicrous +reminiscence of the instrument, which I defy any one to hear without +laughing. Several sows and an indefinite number of sucking pigs could +not make a greater noise, and Tom himself declares he studied the +instrument in a pigsty, which he maintains gave the first notion of +an organ. Well, sir, the youths in the office assist in 'doing the +service,' as they call it, that is, making an imitation of the chanting +and so forth in St. Patrick's Cathedral." + +"Oh, the haythens!" said Father Phil. + +"One does Spray, and another Weyman, and another Sir John Stevenson, and +so on; and they go on responsing and singing 'Amen' till the Ordnance +Office rings again." + +"Have they nothing better to do?" asked the Squire. + +"Very little but reading the papers," said the doctor. + +"Well--Tom--you must know, sir--was transferred some time ago, by the +interest of many influential friends, to the London department; and the +fame of his musical powers had gone before him from some of the English +clerks in Ireland who had been advanced to the higher posts in Dublin, +and kept up correspondence with their old friends in London; and it was +not long until Tom was requested to go through an anthem on the great +office-desk. Tom was only too glad to be asked, and he kept the +whole office in a roar for an hour with all the varieties of the +instrument--from the diapason to the flute-stop--and the devil a more +business was done in the office _that_ day, and Tom before long made the +sober English fellows as great idlers as the chaps in Dublin. Well--it +was not long until a sudden flush of business came upon the department, +in consequence of the urgent preparations making for supplies to Spain, +at the time the Duke was going there to take the command of the army, +and organ-playing was set aside for some days; but the fellows, after +a week's abstinence, began to yearn for it and Tom was requested to 'do +the service.' Tom, nothing loath, threw aside his official papers, set +up a big ledger before him, and commenced his legerdemain, as he called +it, pulled out his stops, and began to work away like a weaver, while +every now and then he swore at the bellows-blower for not giving him +wind enough, whereupon the choristers would kick the bellows-blower to +accelerate his flatulency. Well, sir, they were in the middle of the +service, and all the blackguards making the responses in due season, +when, just as Tom was quivering under a portentous grunt, which might +have shamed the principal diapason of Harlaem, and the subs were +drawing out a resplendent 'A-a-a-men,' the door opened, and in walked a +smart-looking gentleman, with rather a large nose and quick eye, which +latter glanced round the office, where a sudden endeavour was made by +everybody to get back to his place. The smart gentleman seemed rather +surprised to see a little fat man blowing at a desk instead of the +fire, and long Tom kicking, grunting, and squealing like mad. The +bellows-blower was so taken by surprise he couldn't stir, and Tom, +having his back to them, did not see what had taken place, and went on +as if nothing had happened, till the smart gentleman went up to him, and +tapping on Tom's desk with a little riding-whip, he said, 'I'm sorry to +disturb you, sir, but I wish to know what you're about.' 'We're doing +the service, sir,' said Tom, no ways abashed at the sight of the +stranger, for he did not know it was Sir Arthur Wellesley was talking to +him. 'Not the _public_ service, sir,' said Sir Arthur. 'Yes, sir,' said +Tom, 'the service as by law established in the second year of the reign +of King Edward the Sixth,' and he favoured the future hero of Waterloo +with a touch of the organ. 'Who is the head of this office?' inquired +Sir Arthur. Tom, with a very gracious bow, replied, 'I am principal +organist, sir, and allow me to introduce you to the principal +bellows-blower'--and he pointed to the poor little man who let the +bellows fall from his hand as Sir Arthur fixed his eyes on him. Tom did +not perceive till now that all the clerks were taken with a sudden fit +of industry, and were writing away for the bare life; and he cast a +look of surprise round the office while Sir Arthur was looking at the +bellows-blower. One of the clerks made a wry face at Tom, which showed +him all was not right. 'Is this the way His Majesty's service generally +goes on here?' said Sir Arthur, sharply. No one answered; but Tom saw, +by the long faces of the clerks and the short question of the visitor, +that he was _somebody_. + +"'Some transports are waiting for ordnance stores, and I am referred +to this office,' said Sir Arthur; 'can any one give me a satisfactory +answer?' + +"The senior clerk present (for the head of the office was absent) came +forward and said, 'I believe, sir----' + +"'You _believe_, but you don't _know_,' said Sir Arthur; 'so I must wait +for stores while you are playing tomfoolery here. I'll report this.' +Then producing a little tablet and a pencil, he turned to Tom and said, +'Favour me with your name, sir?' + +"'I give you my honour, sir,' said Tom. + +"'I'd rather you'd give me the stores, sir,--I'll trouble you for your +name?' + +"'Upon my honour, sir,' said Tom, again. + +"'You seem to have a great deal of that article on your hands, sir,' +said Sir Arthur: 'you're an Irishman, I suppose?' + +"'Yes, sir,' said Tom. + +"'I thought so. Your name?' + +"'Loftus, sir.' + +"'Ely family?' + +"'No, sir.' + +"'Glad of it.' + +"He put up his tablet after writing the name. + +"'May I beg the favour to know, sir,' said Tom, 'to whom I have the +honour of addressing myself?' "'Sir Arthur Wellesley, sir.' + +"'Oh! J---s!' cried Tom, 'I'm done!' + +"Sir Arthur could not help laughing at the extraordinary change in Tom's +countenance; and Tom, taking advantage of this relaxation in his iron +manner, said in a most penitent tone, 'Oh, Sir Arthur Wellesley, only +forgive me this time, and 'pon my _sowl_ says he--with the richest +brogue--'I'll play a _Te Deum_ for the first licking you give the +French.' Sir Arthur smiled and left the office." + +"Did he report as he threatened?" asked the Squire. + +"'Faith, he did." + +"And Tom?" inquired Dick. + +"Was sent back to Ireland, sir." + +"That was hard, after the Duke smiled at him," said Murphy. + +"Well, he did not let him suffer in pocket; he was transferred at as a +good a salary to a less important department, but you know the Duke has +been celebrated all his life for never overlooking a breach of duty." + +"And who can blame him?" said Moriarty. + +"One great advantage of the practice has been," said the Squire, "that +no man has been better served. I remember hearing a striking instance of +what, perhaps, might be called severe justice, which he exercised on a +young and distinguished officer of artillery in Spain; and though one +cannot help pitying the case of the gallant young fellow who was the +sacrifice, yet the question of strict duty, _to the very word_, was +set at rest for ever under the Duke's command, and it saved much +_after_-trouble by making every officer satisfied, however fiery his +courage or tender his sense of being suspected of the white feather, +that implicit obedience was the course he _must_ pursue. The case +was this:--the army was going into action----" "What action was it?" +inquired Father Phil, with that remarkable alacrity which men of peace +evince in hearing the fullest particulars about war, perhaps because +it is forbidden to their cloth; one of the many instances of things +acquiring a fictitious value by being interdicted--just as Father Phil +himself might have been a Protestant only for the penal laws. + +"I don't know what action it was," said the Squire, "nor the officer's +name--for I don't set up for a military chronicler; but it was, as +I have been telling you, going into action that the Duke posted an +officer, with his six guns, at a certain point, telling him to remain +there until he had orders from _him_. Away went the rest of the army, +and the officer was left doing nothing at all, which he didn't like; +for he was one of those high-blooded gentlemen who are never so happy as +when they are making other people miserable, and he was longing for the +head of a French column to be hammering away at. In half an hour or +so he heard the distant sound of action, and it approached nearer and +nearer, until he heard it close behind him; and he wondered rather that +he was not invited to take a share in it, when, pat to his thought, up +came an _aide-de-camp_ at full speed, telling him that General Somebody +ordered him to bring up his guns. The officer asked did not the order +come from Lord Wellington? The _aide-de-camp_ said no, but from the +General, whoever he was. The officer explained that he was placed there +by Lord Wellington, under command not to move, unless by _an order from +himself_. The _aide-de-camp_ stated that the General's entire brigade +was being driven in and must be annihilated without the aid of the guns, +and asked, 'would he let a whole brigade be slaughtered?' in a tone +which wounded the young soldier's pride, savouring, as he thought it +did, of an imputation on his courage. He immediately ordered his guns +to move and joined battle with the General; but while he was away, an +_aide-de-camp_ from Lord Wellington rode up to where the guns _had been +posted,_ and, of course, no gun was to be had for the service which Lord +Wellington required. Well, the French were repulsed, as it happened; but +the want of those six guns seriously marred a preconcerted movement of +the Duke's, and the officer in command of them was immediately brought +to a court-martial, and would have lost his commission but for the +universal interest made in his favour by the general officers in +consideration of his former meritorious conduct and distinguished +gallantry, and under the peculiar circumstances of the case. They did +not break him, but he was suspended, and Lord Wellington sent him home +to England. Almost every general officer in the army endeavoured to get +his sentence revoked, lamenting the fate of a gallant fellow being sent +away for a slight error in judgment while the army was in hot action but +Lord Wellington was inexorable saying he must make an example to secure +himself in the perfect obedience of officers to their orders; and it had +the effect." + +"Well, that's what I call hard!" said Dick. + +"My dear Dick," said the Squire, "war is altogether a hard thing, and a +man has no business to be a General who isn't as hard as his own round +shot." + +"And what became of the _dear_ young man?" said Father Phil, who seemed +much touched by the readiness with which the _dear_ young man set off to +mow down the French. + +"I can tell you," said Moriarty, "for I served with him afterwards +in the Peninsula. He was let back after a year or so, and became so +thorough a disciplinarian, that he swore, when once he was at his post +'They might kill _his father_ before his face and he wouldn't budge +until he had orders.'" + +"A most Christian resolution," said the doctor. + +"Well, I can tell you," said Moriarty, "of a Frenchman, who made a +greater breach of discipline, and it was treated more leniently. I heard +the story from the man's own lips, and if I could only give you his +voice and gesture and manner it would amuse you. What fellows those +Frenchmen are, to be sure, for telling a story! they make a shrug or +a wink have twenty different meanings, and their claws are most +eloquent--one might say they talk on their fingers--and their broken +English, I think, helps them." + +"Then give the story, Randal, in his manner," said Dick. "I have heard +you imitate a Frenchman capitally." + +"Well, here goes," said Moriarty "but let me wet my whistle with a +glass of claret before I begin--a French story should have French wine." +Randal tossed off one glass, and filled a second by way of reserve, and +then began the French officer's story. + +"You see, sare, it vos ven in _Espagne_ de bivouac vos vairy ard indeet +'pon us, vor we coot naut get into de town at all, nevair, becos you +dam Ingelish keep all de town to yoursefs--vor we fall back at dat time +becos we get not support--no _corps de reserve_, you perceive--so ve mek +_retrograde_ movement--not _retreat_--no, no--but _retrograde_ movement. +Vell--von night I was wit my picket guart, and it was raining like de +devil, and de vind vos vinding up de valley, so cold as noting at all, +and de dark vos vot you could not see--no--not your nose bevore your +face. Vell, I hear de tramp of horse, and I look into de dark--for ve +vere vairy moche on the _qui vive_, because ve expec de Ingelish to +attaque de next day--but I see noting; but de tramp of horse come closer +and closer, and at last I ask, 'Who is dere?' and de tramp of de horse +stop. I run forward, and den I see Ingelish offisair of cavallerie. I +address him, and tell him he is in our lines, but I do not vant to mek +him prisonair--for you must know dat he _vos_ prisonair, if I like, ven +he vos vithin our line. He is very polite--he says, '_Bien oblig--bon +enfant_;' and we tek off our hat to each ozer. 'I aff lost my roat,' he +say; and I say, 'Yais'--bote I vill put him into his roat, and so I ask +for a moment pardon, and go back to my _caporal_, and tell him to be on +de _qui vive_ till I come back. De Ingelish offisair and me talk very +plaisant vile we go togezer down de leetel roat, and ven we come to de +turn, I say, '_Bon soir_, Monsieur le Capitaine--dat is your vay.' He +den tank me, vera moche like gentilman, and vish he coot mek me some +return for my gnrosit, as he please to say--and I say, '_Bah!_ +Ingelish gentilman vood do de same to French offisair who lose his vay.' +'Den come here,' he say, '_bon enfant_, can you leave your post for 'aff +an hour?' 'Leave my post?' I say. 'Yais,' said he, 'I know your army has +not moche provision lately, and maybe you are ongrie?' '_Ma foi_, yais,' +said I; 'I aff naut slips to my eyes, nor meat to my stomach, for more +dan fife days.' 'Veil, _bon enfant_,' he say, 'come vis me, and I vill +gif you good supper, goot vine, and goot velcome.' 'Coot I leave my +post?' I say. He say, '_Bah! Caporal_ take care till you come back.' By +gar, I coot naut resist--_he_ vos so _vairy_ moche gentilman and _I_ +vos so ongrie--I go vis him--not fife hunder yarts--_ah! bon Dieu_--how +nice! In de corner of a leetel ruin chapel dere is nice bit of fire, and +hang on a string before it de half of a kid--_oh ciel!_ de smell of +de _ros-bif_ was so nice--I rub my hands to de fire--I sniff de +_cuisine_--I see in anozer corner a couple bottles of wine--_sacr_! it +vos all watair in my mouts! Ve sit down to suppair--I nevair did ate so +moche in my life. Ve did finish de bones, and vosh down all mid ver good +wine--_excellent!_ Ve drink de toast--_ la gloire_--and we talk of de +campaign. Ve drink _ la Patrie_, and den _I_ tink of _la belle France_ +and _ma douce amie_--and _he_ fissel, 'Got safe de king.' Ve den drink +_ l'amiti_, and shek hands over dat fire in good frainship--dem two +hands that might cross de swords in de morning. Yais, sair, dat was +fine--'t was _galliard_--'t was _la vrai chivalrie_--two sojair ennemi +to share de same kid, drink de same wine, and talk like two friends. +Vell, I got den so sleepy, dat my eyes go blink, blink, and my goot +friend says to me, 'Sleep, old fellow; I know you aff got hard fare of +late, and you are tired; sleep, all is quiet for to-night, and I will +call you before dawn.' Sair, I vos _so_ tired, I forgot my duty, and +fall down fast asleep. Veil, sair, in de night de pickets of de two +armie get so close, and mix up, dat some shot gets fired, and in one +moment all in confusion. I am shake by de shoulder--I wake like from +dream--I heard sharp _fusillade_--my friend cry, 'Fly to your post, it +is attack!' We exchange one shek of de hand, and I run off to my post. +_Oh, ciel!_--it is driven in--I see dem fly. _Oh, mon dsespoir ce +moment-l!_ I am ruin--_dshonor_--I rush to de front--I rally _mes +braves_--ve stand!--ve advance!!--ve regain de post!!!--I am safe!!!! De +_fusillade_ cease--it is only an affair of outposts. I tink I am safe--I +tink I am very fine fellow--but Monsieur _l'Aide-Major_ send for me and +speak, 'Vere vos you last night, sair?' 'I mount guard by de mill.' 'Are +you sure?' '_Oui, monsieur._' 'Vere vos you when your post vos attack?' +I saw it vos no use to deny any longair, so I confess to him everyting. +'Sair,' said he, 'you rally your men very good, _or you should be shot!_ +Young man, remember,' said he--I will never forget his vorts--'young +man, _vine is goot--slip is goot--goat is goot--but honners is +betters!'"_ + +"A capital story, Randal," cried Dick; "but how much of it did you +invent?" + +"'Pon my life, it is as near the original as possible." + +"Besides, that is not a fair way of using a story," said the doctor. +"You should take a story as you get it, and not play the dissector upon +it, mangling its poor body to discover the bit of embellishment; and as +long as a _raconteur_ maintains _vraisemblance_, I contend you are bound +to receive the whole as true." + +"A most author-like creed, doctor," said Dick; "you are a story-teller +yourself, and enter upon the defence of your craft with great spirit." + +"And justice, too," said the Squire; "the doctor is quite right." + +"Don't suppose I can't see the little touches of the artist," said the +doctor; "but so long as they are in keeping with the picture, I +enjoy them; for instance, my friend Randal's touch of the Englishman +'_fissling Got safe de King'_ is very happy--quite in character." + +"Well, good or bad, the story in substance is true," said Randal, "and +puts the Englishman in a fine point of view--a generous fellow, sharing +his supper with his enemy whose sword may be through his body in the +next morning's 'affair.'" + +"But the Frenchman was generous to him first," remarked the Squire. + +"Certainly--I admit it," said Randal. "In short, they were both fine +fellows." + +"Oh, sir," said Father Phil, "the French are not deficient in a +chivalrous spirit. I heard once a very pretty little bit of anecdote +about the way they behaved to one of our regiments on a retreat in +Spain." + +"_Your_ regiments!" said Moriarty, who was rather fond of hitting hard +at a priest when he could; "a regiment of friars is it?" + +"No, captain, but of soldiers; and it's going through a river they +were, and the French, taking advantage of their helpless condition, were +peppering away at them hard and fast." + +"Very generous indeed!" said Moriarty, laughing. + +"Let me finish my story, captain, before you quiz it. I say they were +peppering them sorely while they were crossing the river, until some +women--the followers of the camp--ran down (poor creatures) to the +shore, and the stream was so deep in the middle they could scarcely ford +it; so some dragoons who were galloping as hard as they could out of +the fire pulled up on seeing the condition of the women-kind, and each +horseman took up a woman behind him, though it diminished his own power +of speeding from the danger. The moment the French saw this act of manly +courtesy, they ceased firing, gave the dragoons a cheer, and as long as +the women were within gunshot, not a trigger was pulled in the French +line, but volleys of cheers instead of ball-cartridge was sent after the +brigade till all the women were over. Now wasn't that generous?" + +"'T was a handsome thing!" was the universal remark. + +"And 'faith I can tell you, Captain Moriarty, the army took advantage of +it; for there was a great struggle to have the pleasure of the ladies' +company over the river." + +"I dare say, Father Phil," said the Squire, laughing. + +"Throth, Squire," said the _padre_, "fond of the girls as the soldiers +have the reputation of being, they never liked them better than that +same day." + +"Yes, yes," said Moriarty, a little piqued, for he rather affected the +"dare-devil." + +"I see you mean to insinuate that we soldiers fear fire." + +"I did not say 'fear,' captain--but they'd like to get out of it, for +all that, and small blame to them--aren't they flesh and blood like +ourselves?" + +"Not a bit like you," said Moriarty. "You sleek and smooth gentlemen who +live in luxurious peace know little of a soldier's danger or feelings." + +"Captain, we all have our dangers to go through; and may be a priest has +as many as a soldier; and we only show a difference of taste, after all, +in the selection." + +"Well, Father Blake, all I know is, that a true soldier fears nothing!" +said Moriarty with energy. + +"Maybe so," answered Father Phil, quietly. "It is quite clear, however," +said Murphy, "that war, with all its horrors, can call out occasionally +the finer feelings of our natures; but it is only such redeeming traits +as those we have heard which can reconcile us to it. I remember having +heard an incident of war, myself, which affected me much," said Murphy, +who caught the infection of military anecdote which circled the table; +and indeed there is no more catching theme can be started among men, for +it may be remarked that whenever it is broached it flows on until it is +rather more than time to go to the ladies. + +"It was in the earlier portion of the memorable day of Waterloo," said +Murphy, "that a young officer of the Guards received a wound which +brought him to the ground. His companions rushed on to seize some point +which their desperate valour was called on to carry, and he was left, +utterly unable to rise, for the wound was in his foot. He lay for some +hours with the thunder of that terrible day ringing around him, and many +a rush of horse and foot had passed close beside him. Towards the close +of the day he saw one of the Black Brunswick dragoons approaching, +who drew rein as his eye caught the young Guardsman, pale and almost +fainting, on the ground. He alighted, and finding he was not mortally +wounded, assisted him to rise, lifted him into his saddle, and helped +to support him there while he walked beside him to the English rear. The +Brunswicker was an old man; his brow and moustache were grey; despair +was in his sunken eye, and from time to time he looked up with an +expression of the deepest yearning into the face of the young soldier, +who saw big tears rolling down the veteran's cheek while he gazed upon +him. 'You seem in bitter sorrow, my kind friend,' said the stripling. +'No wonder,' answered the old man, with a hollow groan. 'I and my three +boys were in the same regiment--they were alive the morning of Ligny--I +am childless to-day. But I have revenged them!' he said fiercely, and +as he spoke he held out his sword, which was literally red with blood. +'But, oh! that will not bring me back my boys!' he exclaimed, relapsing +into his sorrow. 'My three gallant boys!'--and again he wept bitterly, +till clearing his eyes from the tears, and looking up in the young +soldier's handsome face, he said tenderly, 'You are like my youngest +one, and I could not let you lie on the field.'" + +Even the rollicking Murphy's eyes were moist as he recited this +anecdote; and as for Father Phil, he was quite melted, ejaculating in an +under tone, "Oh, my poor fellow! my poor fellow!" + +"So there," said Murphy, "is an example of a man, with revenge in his +heart, and his right arm tired with slaughter, suddenly melted into +gentleness by a resemblance to his child." + +"'T is very touching, but very sad," said the Squire. + +"My dear sir," said the doctor, with his peculiar dryness, "sadness is +the principal fruit which warfare must ever produce. You may talk of +glory as long as you like, but you cannot have your laurel without your +cypress, and though you may select certain bits of sentiment out of a +mass of horrors, if you allow me, I will give you one little story which +shan't keep you long, and will serve as a commentary upon war and glory +in general. + +"At the peace of 1803, I happened to be travelling through a town in +France where a certain count I knew resided. I waited upon him, and he +received me most cordially, and invited me to dinner. I made the excuse +that I was only _en route_, and supplied with but traveling costume, and +therefore not fit to present myself amongst the guests of such a house +as his. He assured me I should only meet his own family, and pledged +himself for Madame la Comtesse being willing to waive the ceremony of a +_grande toilette_. I went to the house at the appointed hour, and as +I passed through the hall I cast a glance at the dining-room and saw +a very long table laid. On arriving at the reception-room, I taxed the +count with having broken faith with me, and was about making my excuses +to the countess when she assured me the count had dealt honestly by me, +for that I was the only guest to join the family party. Well, we +sat down to dinner, three-and-twenty persons; myself, the count and +countess, and their _twenty children!_ and a more lovely family I never +saw; he a man in the vigour of life, she a still attractive woman, and +these their offspring lining the table, where the happy eyes of father +and mother glanced with pride and affection from one side to the other +on these future staffs of their old age. Well, the peace of Amiens +was of short duration, and I saw no more of the count till Napoleon's +abdication. Then I visited France again, and saw my old friend. But it +was a sad sight, sir, in that same house, where, little more than ten +years before, I had seen the bloom and beauty of twenty children, to +sit down with _three_--all he had left him. His sons had fallen in +battle--his daughters had died widowed, leaving but orphans. And thus it +was all over France. While the public voice shouted 'Glory!' wailing was +in her homes. Her temple of victory was filled with trophies, but her +hearths were made desolate." + +"Still, sir, a true soldier fears nothing," repeated Moriarty. + +"_Baithershin,_" said Father Phil. "'Faith I have been in places of +danger you'd be glad to get out of, I can tell you, as bould as you are, +captain." + +"You'll pardon me for doubting you, Father Blake," said Moriarty, rather +huffed. + +"'Faith then you wouldn't like to be where I was before I came here; +that is, in a mud cabin, where I was giving the last rites to six people +dying in the typhus fever." + +"Typhus!" exclaimed Moriarty, growing pale, and instinctively +withdrawing his chair as far as he could from the _padre_ beside whom he +sat. + +"Ay, typhus, sir; most inveterate typhus." + +"Gracious Heaven!" said Moriarty, rising, "how can you do such a +dreadful thing as run the risk of bearing infection into society?" + +"I thought soldiers were not afraid of anything," said Father Phil, +laughing at him; and the rest of the party joined in the merriment. + +"Fairly hit, Moriarty," said Dick. + +"Nonsense," said Moriarty; "when I spoke of danger, I meant such +open danger as--in short, not such insidious lurking abomination as +infection; for I contend that--" + +"Say no more, Randal," said Growling, "you're done!--Father Phil has +floored you." + +"I deny it," said Moriarty, warmly; but the more he denied it, the more +every one laughed at him. + +"You're more frightened than hurt, Moriarty," said the Squire; "for the +best of the joke is, Father Phil wasn't in contact with typhus at all, +but was riding with me--and 'tis but a joke." + +Here they all roared at Moriarty, who was excessively angry, but felt +himself in such a ridiculous position that he could not quarrel with +anybody. + +"Pardon me, my dear captain," said the Father; "I only wanted to show +you that a poor priest has to run the risk of his life just as much as +the boldest soldier of them all. But don't you think, Squire, 't is time +to join the ladies? I'm sure the tay will be tired waiting for us." + + + + +CHAPTER XXXIII + + +Mrs. Egan was engaged in some needlework, and Fanny turning over the +leaves of a music-book, and occasionally humming some bars of her +favourite songs, as the gentlemen came into the drawing-room. Fanny rose +from the pianoforte as they entered. + +"Oh, Miss Dawson," exclaimed Moriarty, "why tantalise us so much as +to let us see you seated in that place where you can render so much +delight, only to leave it as we enter?" + +Fanny turned off the captain's flourishing speech with a few lively +words and a smile, and took her seat at the tea-table to do the honours. +"The captain," said Father Phil to the doctor, "is equally great in love +or war." + +"And knows about as little of one as the other," said the doctor. "His +attacks are too open." + +"And therefore easily foiled," said Father Phil; "How that pretty +creature, with the turn of a word and a curl of her lip, upset him that +time! Oh! what a powerful thing a woman's smile is, doctor? I often +congratulate myself that my calling puts all such mundane follies and +attractions out of my way, when I see and know what fools wise men are +sometimes made by silly girls. Oh, it is fearful, doctor; though, of +course, part of the mysterious dispensation of an all-wise Providence." + +"That fools should have the mastery, is it?" inquired the doctor, drily, +with a mischievous query in his eye as well. "Tut, tut, tut, doctor," +replied Father Phil, impatiently; "you know well enough what I mean, +and I won't allow you to engage me in one of your ingenious battles of +words. I speak of that wonderful influence of the weaker sex over +the stronger, and how the word of a rosy lip outweighs sometimes the +resolves of a furrowed brow; and how the--pooh! pooh! I'm making a fool +of myself talking to you--but to make a long story short, I would rather +_wrastle_ out a logical dispute any day, or a tough argument of one of +the fathers, than refute some absurdity which fell from a pretty mouth +with a smile on it." + +"Oh, I quite agree with you," said the doctor, grinning, "that the +fathers are not half such dangerous customers as the daughters." + +"Ah, go along with you, doctor!" said Father Phil, with a good-humoured +laugh. "I see you are in one of your mischievous moods, and so I'll have +nothing more to say to you." + +The Father turned away to join the Squire, while the doctor took a seat +near Fanny Dawson and enjoyed a quiet little bit of conversation with +her, while Moriarty was turning over the leaves of her album; but the +brow of the captain, who affected a taste in poetry, became knit, and +his lip assumed a contemptuous curl, as he perused some lines, and asked +Fanny whose was the composition. + +"I forget," was Fanny's answer. + +"I don't wonder," said Moriarty; "the author is not worth remembering, +for they are very rough." + +Fanny did not seem pleased with the criticism, and said that, when sung +to the measure of the air written down on the opposite page, they were +very flowing. + +"But the principal phrase, the _'refrain'_ I may say, is so vulgar," +added Moriarty, returning to the charge. "The gentleman says, 'What +would you do?' and the lady answers, 'That's what I'd do.' Do you call +that poetry?" + +"I don't call _that_ poetry," said Fanny, with some emphasis on the +word; "but if you connect those two phrases with what is intermediately +written, and read all in the spirit of the entire of the verses, I think +there is poetry in them--but if not poetry, certainly feeling." + +"Can you tolerate '_That's what I'd do'?_--the pert answer of a +housemaid." + +"A phrase in itself homely," answered Fanny, "may become elevated by the +use to which it is applied." + +"Quite true, Miss Dawson," said the doctor, joining in the discussion. +"But what are these lines which excite Randal's ire?" + +"Here they are," said Moriarty. "I will read them, if you allow me, and +then judge between Miss Dawson and me. + + 'What will you do, love, when I am going, + With white sail flowing, + The seas beyond? + What will you do, love, when--'" + +"Stop thief!--stop thief!" cried the doctor. "Why, you are robbing +the poet of his reputation as fast as you can. You don't attend to the +rhythm of those lines--you don't give the ringing of the verse." + +"That's just what I have said in other words," said Fanny. "When sung to +the melody, they are smooth." + +"But a good reader, Miss Dawson," said the doctor, "will read verse with +the proper accent, just as a musician would divide it into bars; but my +friend Randal there, although he can tell a good story and hit off prose +very well, has no more notion of rhythm or poetry than new beer has of a +holiday." + +"And why, pray, has not new beer a notion of a holiday?" + +"Because, sir, it works of a Sunday." + +"Your _beer_ may be new, doctor, but your _joke_ is not--I have seen it +before in some old form." + +"Well, sir, if I found it in its old form, like a hare, and started it +fresh, it may do for folks to run after as well as anything else. But +you shan't escape your misdemeanour in mauling those verses as you have +done, by finding fault with my joke _redevivus._ You read those lines, +sir, like a bellman, without any attention to metre." + +"To be sure," said Father Phil, who had been listening for some time; +"they have a ring in them--" + +"Like a pig's nose," said the doctor. + +"Ah, be aisy," said Father Phil. "I say they have a ring in them like an +owld Latin canticle-- + + 'What _will_ you _do,_ love, when I am _go_-ing, + With white sail _flow_-ing, + The says be_yond?_' + +That's it!" + +"To be sure," said the doctor. "I vote for the Father's reading them out +on the spot." + +"Pray, do, Mister Blake," said Fanny. + +"Ah, Miss Dawson, what have I to do with reading love verses?" + +"Take the book, sir," said Growling, "and show me you have some faith in +your own sayings, by obeying a lady directly." + +"Pooh! pooh!" said the priest. + +"You _won't_ refuse me?" said Fanny, in a coaxing tone. + +"My dear Miss Dawson," said the _padre._ + +"_Father Phil!_" said Fanny, with one of her rosy smiles. + +"Oh, wow! wow! wow!" ejaculated the priest, in an amusing embarrassment, +"I see you will make me do whatever you like." So Father Phil gave the +rare example of a man acting up to his own theory, and could not resist +the demand that came from a pretty mouth. He took the book and read the +lines with much feeling, but, with an observance of rhythm so grotesque, +that it must be given in his own manner. + +WHAT WILL YOU DO, LOVE? + +I + + "What _will_ you _do_, love, when I am _go_-ing, + With white sail _flow_-ing, + The seas be-_yond?_ + What _will_ you _do_, love, when waves di-_vide_ us, + And friends may chide us, + For being _fond_?" + + "Though waves di-_vide_ us, and friends be _chi_-ding, + In faith a-_bi_-ding, + I'll still be true; + And I'll pray for _thee_ on the stormy _o_-cean, + In deep de-_vo_-tion,-- + That's _what_ I'll do!" + +II + + "What _would_ you _do_, love, if distant _ti_-dings + Thy fond con-_fi_-dings + Should under-_mine_ + And I a-_bi_-ding 'neath sultry _skies_, + Should think other _eyes_ + Were as bright as _thine_?" + + "Oh, name it _not_; though guilt and _shame_ + Were on thy _name_, + I'd still be _true_; + But that heart of _thine_, should another _share_ it, + I could not _bear it_;-- + What _would_ I do?" + +III + + "What _would_ you do, when, home re-_turn_-ing, + With hopes high _burn_-ing, + With wealth for _you_,-- + If my _bark_, that _bound_-ed o'er foreign _foam_, + Should be lost near _home_,-- + Ah, what _would_ you do?" + + "So them wert _spar_-d, I'd bless the _mor_-row, + In want and _sor_-row, + That left me _you_; + And I'd welcome _thee_ from the wasting _bil_-low, + My heart thy _pil_-low!-- + THAT'S _what_ I'd do!" + +[Footnote: NOTE TO THE THIRD EDITION.--The foregoing dialogue and +Moriarty's captious remarks were meant, when, they appeared in the first +edition, as a hit at a certain small critic--a would-be song-writer--who +does ill-natured articles for the Reviews, and expressed himself very +contemptuously of my songs because of their simplicity; or, as he was +pleased to phrase it, "I had a knack of putting common things together." +The song was written to illustrate my belief that the most common-place +expression, _appropriately applied_, may successfully serve the purposes +of the lyric; and here experience has proved me right, for this +very song of "What will you do?" (containing within it the other +common-place, "That's what I'd do") has been received with special +favour by the public, whose long-continued goodwill towards my +compositions generally I gratefully acknowledge.] + +"Well done, _padre!_" said the doctor; "with good emphasis and +discretion." + +"And now, my dear Miss Dawson," said Father Phil, "since I've read +the lines at your high bidding, will you sing them for me at my humble +asking?" + +"Very antithetically put, indeed," said Fanny; "but you must excuse me." + +"You said there was a tune to it?" + +"Yes; but I promised Captain Moriarty to sing him _this_," said Fanny, +going over to the pianoforte, and laying her hand on an open music-book. + +"Thanks, Miss Dawson," said Moriarty, following fast. + +Now, it was not that Fanny Dawson liked the captain that she was going +to sing the song; but she thought he had been rather "_mobbed_" by the +doctor and the _padre_ about the reading of the verses, and it was her +good breeding which made her pay this little attention to the worsted +party. She poured forth her sweet voice in a simple melody to the +following words:-- + +SAY NOT MY HEART IS COLD + +I + + "Say not my heart is cold, + Because of a silent tongue! + The lute of faultless mould + In silence oft hath hung. + The fountain soonest spent + Doth babble down the steep; + But the stream that _ever_ went + Is silent, strong, and deep. + +II + + "The charm of a secret life + Is given to choicest things:-- + Of flowers, the fragrance rife + Is wafted on viewless wings; + We see not the charmed air + Bearing some witching sound; + And ocean deep is where + The pearl of price is found. + +III + + "Where are the stars by day? + They burn, though all unseen! + And love of purest ray + Is like the stars, I ween: + Unmark'd is the gentle light + When the sunshine of joy appears, + But ever, in sorrow's night, + 'T will glitter upon thy tears!" + +"Well, Randal, does that poem satisfy your critical taste?--of the +singing there can be but one opinion." + +"Yes, I think it pretty," said Moriarty; "but there is one word in the +last verse I object to." + +"Which is that?" inquired Growling. + +"_Ween_" said the other, "'the stars, I ween,' I object to." + +"Don't you see the meaning of that?" inquired the doctor. "I think it is +a very happy allusion." + +"I don't see any allusion whatever," said the critic. + +"Don't you see the poet alluded to the stars in the _milky_ way, and +says, therefore, 'The stars I _wean_'?" + +"Bah! bah! doctor," exclaimed the critical captain; "you are in one +of your quizzing moods to-night, and it is in vain to expect a serious +answer from you." He turned on his heel as he spoke, and went away. + +"Moriarty, you know, Miss Dawson, is a man who affects a horror of +puns, and therefore I always punish him with as many as I can," said the +doctor, who was left by Moriarty's sudden pique to the enjoyment of a +pleasant chat with Fanny, and he was sorry when the hour arrived which +disturbed it by the breaking up of the party and the departure of the +guests. + + + + +CHAPTER XXXIV + + +When the Widow Rooney was forcibly ejected from the house of Mrs. James +Casey, and found that Andy was not the possessor of that lady's charms, +she posted off to Neck-or-Nothing Hall, to hear the full and true +account of the transaction from Andy himself. On arriving at the old +iron gate, and pulling the loud bell, she was spoken to through the +bars by the savage old janitor and told to "go out o' that." Mrs. Rooney +thought fate was using her hard in decreeing she was to receive denial +at every door, and endeavoured to obtain a parley with the gate-keeper, +to which he seemed no way inclined. + +"My name's Rooney, sir?" + +"There's plenty bad o' the name," was the civil rejoinder. + +"And my son's in Squire O'Grady's sarvice, sir." + +"Oh--you're the mother of the beauty we call Handy, eh?" + +"Yis, sir." + +"Well, he left the sarvice yistherday." + +"Is it lost the place?" + +"Yis." + +"Oh dear! Ah, sir, let me up to the house and spake to his honour, and +maybe he'll take back the boy." + +"He doesn't want any more servants at all--for he's dead." + +"Is it Squire O'Grady dead?" + +"Aye--did you never hear of a dead squire before?" + +"What did he die of, sir?" + +"Find out," said the sulky brute, walking back into his den. + +It was true--the renowned O'Grady was no more. The fever which had set +in from his "broiled bones," which he _would_ have in spite of anybody, +was found difficult of abatement; and the impossibility of keeping +him quiet, and his fits of passion, and consequent fresh supplies of +"broiled bones," rendered the malady unmanageable; and the very +day after Andy had left the house the fever took a bad turn, and in +four-and-twenty hours the stormy O'Grady was at peace. + +What a sudden change fell upon the house! All the wedding paraphernalia +which had been brought down lay neglected in the rooms where it had +been the object of the preceding day's admiration. The deep, absorbing, +silent grief of the wife,--the more audible sorrow of the girls,--the +subdued wildness of the reckless boys, as they trod silently past the +chamber where they no longer might dread reproof for their noise,--all +this was less touching than the effect the event had upon the old +dowager mother. While the senses of others were stunned by the blow, +hers became awakened by the shock; all her absurd aberration passed +away, and she sat in intellectual self-possession by the side of her +son's death-bed, which she never left until he was laid in his +coffin. He was the first and last of her sons. She had now none but +grandchildren to look upon--the intermediate generation had passed away, +and the gap yawned fearfully before her. It restored her, for the time, +perfectly to her senses; and she gave the necessary directions on the +melancholy occasion, and superintended all the sad ceremonials befitting +the time, with a calm and dignified resignation which impressed all +around her with wonder and respect. + +Superadded to the dismay which the death of the head of a family +produces was the terrible fear which existed that O'Grady's body would +be seized for debt--a barbarous practice, which, shame to say, is still +permitted. This fear made great precaution necessary to prevent persons +approaching the house, and accounts for the extra gruffness of the gate +porter. The wild body-guard of the wild chief was on doubly active duty; +and after four-and-twenty hours had passed over the reckless boys, the +interest they took in sharing and directing this watch and ward seemed +to outweigh all sorrowful consideration for the death of their +father. As for Gustavus, the consciousness of being now the master of +Neck-or-Nothing Hall was apparent in a boy not yet fifteen; and not only +in himself, but in the grey-headed retainers about him, this might be +seen: there was a shade more of deference--the boy was merged in "_the +young master_." But we must leave the house of mourning for the present, +and follow the Widow Rooney, who, as she tramped her way homeward, was +increasing in hideousness of visage every hour. Her nose was twice its +usual dimensions, and one eye was perfectly useless in showing her the +road. At last, however, as evening was closing, she reached her cabin, +and there was Andy, arrived before her, and telling Oonah, his cousin, +all his misadventures of the preceding day. + +The history was stopped for a while by their mutual explanations and +condolences with Mrs. Rooney, on the "cruel way her poor face was used." + +"And who done it all?" said Oonah. + +"Who but that born divil, Matty Dwyer--and sure they towld me _you_ were +married to her," said she to Andy. + +"So I was," said Andy, beginning the account of his misfortunes afresh +to his mother, who from time to time would break in with indiscriminate +maledictions on Andy, as well as his forsworn damsel; and when +the account was ended, she poured out a torrent of abuse upon her +unfortunate forsaken son, which riveted him to the floor in utter +amazement. + +"I thought I'd get pity here, at all events," said poor Andy; "but +instead o' that it's the worst word and the hardest name in your jaw you +have for me." + +"And sarve you right, you dirty cur," said his mother. "I ran off like +a fool when I heerd of your good fortune, and see the condition that +baggage left me in--my teeth knocked in and my eye knocked out, and all +for your foolery, because you couldn't keep what you got." + +"Sure, mother, I tell you--" + +"Howld your tongue, you _omadhaun!_ And then I go to Squire O'Grady's to +look for you, and there I hear you lost _that_ place, too." + +"Faix, it's little loss," said Andy. + +"That's all you know about it, you goose; you lose the place just when +the man's dead and you'd have had a shuit o' mournin'. Oh, you are the +most misfortunate divil, Andy Rooney, this day in Ireland--why did I +rear you at all?" + +"Squire O'Grady dead!" said Andy, in surprise and also with regret for +his late master. + +"Yis--and you've lost the mournin'--augh!" + +"Oh, the poor Squire!" said Andy. + +"The iligant new clothes!" grumbled Mrs. Rooney. "And then luck tumbles +into your way such as man never had; without a place, or a rap to bless +yourself with, you get a rich man's daughter for your wife, and you let +her slip through your fingers." + +"How could I help it?" said Andy. + +"Augh!--you bothered the job just the way you do everything," said his +mother. + +"Sure I was civil-spoken to her." + +"Augh!" said his mother. + +"And took no liberty." + +"You goose!" + +"And called her Miss." + +"Oh, indeed you missed it altogether." + +"And said I wasn't desarvin' of her." + +"That was thrue--_but you should not have towld her so_. Make a woman +think you're betther than her, and she'll like you." + +"And sure, when I endayvoured to make myself agreeable to her----" + +"_Endayvoured_!" repeated the old woman contemptuously. "_Endayvoured_, +indeed! Why didn't you _make_ yourself agreeable at once, you poor dirty +goose?--no, but you went sneaking about it--I know as well as if I was +looking at you--you went sneakin' and snivelin' until the girl took +a disgust to you; for there's nothing a woman despises so much as +shilly-shallying." + +"Sure, you won't hear my defince," said Andy. + +"Oh, indeed you're betther at defince than attack," said his mother. + +"Sure, the first little civil'ty I wanted to pay to her, she took up the +three-legged stool to me." + +"The divil mend you! And what civil'ty did you offer her?" + +"I made a grab at her cap, and I thought she'd have brained me." + +Oonah set up such a shout of laughter at Andy's notion of civility to +a girl, that the conversation was stopped for some time, and her aunt +remonstrated with her at her want of common sense; or, as she said, +hadn't she "more decency than to laugh at the poor fool's nonsense?" + +"What could I do agen the three-legged stool?" said Andy. + +"Where was your _own_ legs, and your own arms, and your own eyes, and +your own tongue?--eh?" + +"And sure I tell you it was all ready conthrived, and James Casey was +sent for, and came." + +"Yis," said the mother, "but not for a long time, you towld me yourself; +and what were you doing all that time? Sure, supposing you _wor_ only a +new acquaintance, any man worth a day's mate would have discoorsed her +over in the time and made her sinsible he was the best of husbands." + +"I tell you she wouldn't let me have her ear at all," said Andy. "Nor +her cap either," said Oonah, laughing. + +"And then Jim Casey kem." + +"And why did you let him in?" + +"It was _she_ let him in, I tell you." + +"And why did you let her? He was on the wrong side of the door--that's +the _outside_; and you on the right--that's the _inside_; and it was +_your_ house, and she was _your_ wife, and you were her masther, and +you had the rights of the church, and the rights of the law, and all the +rights on your side; barrin' right rayson--that you never had; and sure +without _that_, what's the use of all the other rights in the world?" + +"Sure, hadn't he his friends, _sthrong_, outside?" + +"No matther, if the door wasn't opened to them, for _then_ YOU would +have had a stronger friend than any o' them present among them." + +"Who?" inquired Andy. + +"The _hangman_" answered his mother; "for breaking doors is hanging +matther; and I say the presence of the hangman's always before people +when they have such a job to do, and makes them think twice sometimes +before they smash once; and so you had only to keep one woman's hands +quiet." + +"Faix, some of them would smash a door as soon as not," said Andy. + +"Well, then, you'd have the satisfaction of hanging them," said the +mother, "and that would be some consolation. But even as it is, I'll +have law for it--I will--for the property is yours, any how, though the +girl is gone--and indeed a brazen baggage she is, and is mighty heavy +in the hand. Oh, my poor eye!--it's like a coal of fire--but sure it was +worth the risk living with her for the sake of the purty property. And +sure I was thinkin' what a pleasure it would be living with you, and +tachin' your wife housekeepin', and bringing up the young turkeys and +the childhre--but, och hone, you'll never do a bit o' good, you that got +sitch careful bringin' up, Andy Rooney! Didn't I tache you manners, +you dirty hanginbone blackguard? Didn't I tache you your blessed +religion?--may the divil sweep you! Did I ever prevent you from sharing +the lavings of the pratees with the pig?--and didn't you often clane out +the pot with him? and you're no good afther all. I've turned my honest +penny by the pig, but I'll never make my money of _you_, Andy Rooney!" + +There was some minutes' silence after this eloquent outbreak of Andy's +mother, which was broken at last by Andy uttering a long sigh and an +ejaculation. + +"Och? it's a fine thing to be a gintleman," said Andy. + +"Cock you up!" said his mother. "Maybe it's a gintleman you want to be; +what puts that in your head, you _omadhaun_?" + +"Why, because a gintleman has no hardships, compared with one of uz. +Sure, if a gintleman was married, his wife wouldn't be tuk off from him +the way mine was." + +"Not so soon, maybe," said the mother, drily. + +"And if a gintleman brakes a horse's heart, he's only a '_bowld rider_,' +while a poor sarvant is a 'careless blackguard' for only taking a +sweat out of him. If a gintleman dhrinks till he can't see a hole in a +laddher, he's only '_feesh_--but '_dhrunk_' is the word for a poor man. +And if a gintleman kicks up a row, he's a 'fine sperited fellow,' while +a poor man is a 'disordherly vagabone' for the same; and the Justice +axes the one to dinner and sends th' other to jail. Oh, faix, the law +is a dainty lady; she takes people by the hand who can afford to wear +gloves, but people with brown fists must keep their distance." + +"I often remark," said his mother, "that fools spake mighty sinsible +betimes; but their wisdom all goes with their gab. Why didn't you take +a betther grip of your luck when you had it? You're wishing you wor +a gintleman, and yet when you had the best part of a gintleman (the +property, I mane) put into your way, you let it slip through your +fingers; and afther lettin' a fellow take a rich wife from you and turn +you out of your own house, you sit down on a stool there, and begin to +_wish_ indeed!--you sneakin' fool--wish, indeed! Och! if you wish with +one hand, and wash with th' other, which will be clane first--eh?" + +"What could I do agen eight?" asked Andy. + +"Why did you let them in, I say again?" said the mother, quickly. + +"Sure the blame wasn't with me," said Andy, "but with--" + +"Whisht, whisht, you goose!" said his mother. "Av course you'll blame +every one and everything but yourself--'_The losing horse blames the +saddle_.'" + +"Well, maybe it's all for the best," said Andy, "afther all." + +"Augh, howld your tongue!" + +"And if it _wasn't_ to be, how could it be?" + +"Listen to him!" + +"And Providence is over us all." + +"Oh! yis!" said the mother. "When fools make mistakes they lay the blame +on Providence. How have you the impidence to talk o' Providence in that +manner? _I'll_ tell you where the Providence was. Providence sent you to +Jack Dwyer's, and kep Jim Casey away, and put the anger into owld Jack's +heart--that's what the Providence did!--and made the opening for you to +spake up, and gave you a wife--a wife with _property!_ Ah, there's where +the Providence was!--and you were the masther of a snug house--that was +Providence! And wouldn't myself have been the one to be helping you +in the farm--rearing the powlts, milkin' the cow, makin' the iligant +butther, with lavings of butthermilk for the pigs--the sow thriving, and +the cocks and hens cheering your heart with their cacklin'--the hank +o' yarn on the wheel, and a hank of ingins up the chimbley--oh! there's +where the Providence would have been--that _would have been Providence +indeed!_--but never tell me that Providence turned you out of the house; +_that_ was your own _goostherumfoodle._" + +"Can't he take the law o' them, aunt?" inquired Oonah. + +"To be sure he can--and shall, too," said the mother. "I'll be off to +'torney Murphy to-morrow; I'll pursue her for my eye, and Andy for the +property, and I'll put them all in Chancery, the villains!" + +"It's Newgate they ought to be put in," said Andy. + +"Tut, you fool, Chancery is worse than Newgate: for people sometimes get +out of Newgate, but they never get out of Chancery, I hear." + +As Mrs. Rooney spoke, the latch of the door was raised, and a miserably +clad woman entered, closed the door immediately after her, and placed +the bar against it. The action attracted the attention of all the +inmates of the house, for the doors of the peasantry are universally +"left on the latch," and never secured against intrusion until the +family go to bed. + +"God save all here!" said the woman, as she approached the fire. + +"Oh, is that you, ragged Nance?" said Mrs. Rooney; for that was the +unenviable but descriptive title the new-comer was known by: and though +she knew it for her _soubriquet_, yet she also knew Mrs. Rooney would +not call her by it if she were not in an ill temper, so she began humbly +to explain the cause of her visit, when Mrs. Rooney broke in gruffly-- + +"Oh, you always make out a good rayson for coming; but we have nothing +for you to-night." + +"Throth, you do me wrong," said the beggar, "if you think I came +_shooling._ [Footnote: Going on chance here and there, to pick up what +one can.] It's only to keep harm from the innocent girl here." + +"Arrah, what harm would happen her, woman?" returned the widow, +savagely, rendered more morose by the humble bearing of her against whom +she directed her severity; as if she got more angry the less the poor +creature would give her cause to justify her harshness. "Isn't she +undher my roof here?" + +"But how long may she be left there?" asked the woman, significantly. + +"What do you mane, woman?" + +"I mane there's a plan to carry her off from you to-night." + +Oonah grew pale with true terror, and the widow screeched, after the +more approved manner of elderly ladies making believe they are very much +shocked, till Nance reminded her that crying would do no good, and +that it was requisite to make some preparation against the approaching +danger. Various plans were hastily suggested, and as hastily +relinquished, till Nance advised a measure which was deemed the best. It +was to dress Andy in female attire and let him be carried off in place +of the girl. Andy roared with laughter at the notion of being made a +girl of, and said the trick would instantly be seen through. + +"Not if you act your part well; just keep down the giggle, jewel, and +put on a moderate _phillelew,_ and do the thing nice and steady, and +you'll be the saving of your cousin here." + +"_You_ may deceive them with the dhress; and _I_ may do a bit of a small +_shilloo,_ like a _colleen_ in disthress, and that's all very well," +said Andy, "as far as seeing and hearing goes; but when they come to +grip me, sure they'll find out in a minute." + +"We'll stuff you out well with rags and sthraw, and they'll never know +the differ--besides, remember, the fellow that wants a girl never comes +for her himself, [Footnote: This is mostly the case.] but sends his +friends for her, and they won't know the differ--besides, they're all +dhrunk." + +"How do you know?" + +"Because they're always dhrunk--that same crew; and if they're not +dhrunk to-night, it's the first time in their lives they ever were +sober. So make haste, now, and put off your coat, till we make a purty +young colleen out o' you." + +It occurred now to the widow that it was a service of great danger Andy +was called on to perform; and with all her abuse of "_omadhaun_" she +did not like the notion of putting him in the way of losing his life, +perhaps. + +"They'll murdher the boy, maybe, when they find out the chate," said the +widow. + +"Not a bit," said Nance. + +"And suppose they did," said Andy, "I'd rather die, sure, than the +disgrace should fall upon Oonah, there." + +"God bless you, Andy dear!" said Oonah. "Sure, you have the kind heart, +anyhow; but I wouldn't for the world hurt or harm should come to you on +my account." + +"Oh, don't be afeard!" said Andy, cheerily; "divil a hair I value all +they can do; so dhress me up at once." + +After some more objections on the part of his mother, which Andy +overruled, the women all joined in making up Andy into as tempting +an imitation of feminality as they could contrive; but to bestow the +roundness of outline on the angular form of Andy was no easy matter, +and required more rags than the house afforded, so some straw was +indispensable, which the pig's bed only could supply. In the midst of +their fears, the women could not help laughing as they effected some +likeness to their own forms, with their stuffing and padding; but +to carry off the width of Andy's shoulders required a very ample and +voluptuous outline indeed, and Andy could not help wishing the straw +was a little sweeter which they were packing under his nose. At last, +however, after soaping down his straggling hair on his forehead, and +tying a bonnet upon his head to shade his face as much as possible, the +disguise was completed, and the next move was to put Oonah in a place of +safety. + +"Get upon the hurdle in the corner, under the thatch," said Nance. + +"Oh, I'd be afeard o' my life to stay in the house at all." + +"You'd be safe enough, I tell you," said Nance; "for once they see that +fine young woman there," pointing to Andy, and laughing, "they'll be +satisfied with the lob we've made for them." + +Oonah still expressed her fear of remaining in the cabin. + +"Then hide in the pratee-trench, behind the house." + +"That's better," said Oonah. + +"And now I must be going," said Nance; "for they must not see me when +they come." + +"Oh, don't leave me, Nance dear," cried Oonah, "for I'm sure I'll faint +with the fright when I hear them coming, if some one is not with me." + +Nance yielded to Oonah's fears and entreaties, and with many a blessing +and boundless thanks for the beggar-woman's kindness, Oonah led the +way to the little potato garden at the back of the house, and there +the women squatted themselves in one of the trenches and awaited the +impending event. + +[Illustration: The Abduction] + +It was not long in arriving. The tramp of approaching horses at a sharp +pace rang through the stillness of the night, and the women, crouching +flat beneath the overspreading branches of the potato tops, lay +breathless in the bottom of the trench, as the riders came up to the +widow's cottage and entered. There they found the widow and her pseudo +niece sitting at the fire; and three drunken vagabonds, for the fourth +was holding the horses outside, cut some fantastic capers round the +cabin, and making a mock obeisance to the widow, the spokesman addressed +her with-- + +"Your sarvant, ma'am!" + +"Who are yiz at all, gintleman, that comes to my place at this time o' +night, and what's your business?" + +"We want the loan o' that young woman there, ma'am," said the ruffian. + +Andy and his mother both uttered small squalls. + +"And as for who we are, ma'am, we're the blessed society of Saint +Joseph, ma'am--our coat of arms is two heads upon one pillow, and our +motty, 'Who's afraid?--Hurroo!'" shouted the savage, and he twirled his +stick and cut another caper. Then coming up to Andy, he addressed him +as "young woman," and said there was a fine strapping fellow whose heart +was breaking till he "rowled her in his arms." + +Andy and the mother both acted their parts very well. He rushed to the +arms of the old woman for protection, and screeched small, while the +widow shouted "_millia murther!_" at the top of her voice, and did not +give up her hold of the make-believe young woman until her cap was torn +half off, and her hair streamed about her face. She called on all the +saints in the calendar, as she knelt in the middle of the floor and +rocked to and fro, with her clasped hands raised to heaven, calling down +curses on the "villains and robbers" that were tearing her child from +her, while they threatened to stop her breath altogether if she did not +make less noise, and in the midst of the uproar dragged off Andy, whose +struggles and despair might have excited the suspicion of soberer men. +They lifted him up on a stout horse, in front of the most powerful man +of the party, who gripped Andy hard round the middle and pushed his +horse to a hand gallop, followed by the rest of the party. The proximity +of Andy to his _cavaliero_ made the latter sensible to the bad odour +of the pig's bed, which formed Andy's luxurious bust and bustle; but he +attributed the unsavoury scent to a bad breath on the lady's part, and +would sometimes address his charge thus:-- + +"Young woman, if you plaze, would you turn your face th' other way;" +then in a side soliloquy, "By Jaker, I wondher at Jack's taste--she's +a fine lump of a girl, but her breath is murther intirely--phew--young +woman, turn away your face, or by this and that I'll fall off the horse. +I've heerd of a bad breath that might knock a man down, but I never met +it till now. Oh, murther! it's worse it's growin'--I suppose 't is the +bumpin' she's gettin' that shakes the breath out of her sthrong--oh, +there it is again--phew!" + +It was as well, perhaps, for the prosecution of the deceit, that the +distaste the fellow conceived for his charge prevented any closer +approaches to Andy's visage, which might have dispelled the illusion +under which he still pushed forward to the hills and bumped poor Andy +towards the termination of his ride. Keeping a sharp look-out as he went +along, Andy soon was able to perceive they were making for that wild +part of the hills where he had discovered the private still on the night +of his temporary fright and imaginary rencontre with the giants, and the +conversation he partly overheard all recurred to him, and he saw at once +that Oonah was the person alluded to, whose name he could not catch, a +circumstance that cost him many a conjecture in the interim. This gave +him a clue to the persons into whose power he was about to fall, after +having so far defeated their scheme, and he saw he should have to deal +with very desperate and lawless parties. Remembering, moreover, the +herculean frame of the inamorato, he calculated on an awful thrashing as +the smallest penalty he should have to pay for deceiving him, but was, +nevertheless, determined to go through the adventure with a good heart, +to make deceit serve his turn as long as he might, and at the last, if +necessary, to make the best fight he could. + +As it happened, luck favoured Andy in his adventure, for the hero of the +blunderbuss (and he, it will be remembered, was the love-sick gentleman) +drank profusely on the night in question, quaffing deep potations to +the health of his Oonah, wishing luck to his friends and speed to their +horses, and every now and then ascending the ladder from the cave, and +looking out for the approach of the party. On one of these occasions, +from the unsteadiness of the ladder, or himself, or perhaps both, his +foot slipped, and he came to the ground with a heavy fall, in which his +head received so severe a blow that he became insensible, and it was +some time before his sister, who was an inhabitant of this den, could +restore him to consciousness. This she did, however, and the savage +recovered all the senses the whisky had left him; but still the stunning +effect of the fall cooled his courage considerably, and, as it were, +"bothered" him so, that he felt much less of the "gallant gay Lothario" +than he had done before the accident. + +The tramp of horses was heard overhead ere long, and _Shan More_, or +Big John, as the Hercules was called, told Bridget to go up to "the +darlin'," and help her down. + +"For that's a blackguard laddher," said he; "it turned undher me like +an eel, bad luck to it!--tell her I'd go up myself, only the ground is +slipping from undher me--and the laddher--" + +Bridget went off, leaving Jack growling forth anathemas against the +ground and the ladder, and returned speedily with the mock-lady and her +attendant squires. + +"Oh, my jewel!" roared Jack, as he caught sight of his prize. He +scrambled up on his legs, and made a rush at Andy, who imitated a +woman's scream and fright at the expected embrace; but it was with much +greater difficulty he suppressed his laughter at the headlong fall with +which Big Jack plunged his head into a heap of turf, [Footnote: Peat] +and hugged a sack of malt which lay beside it. + +Andy endeavoured to overcome the provocation to merriment by screeching; +and as Bridget caught the sound of this tendency towards laughter +between the screams, she thought it was the commencement of a fit +of hysterics, and it accounted all the better for Andy's extravagant +antics. + +"Oh, the craythur is frightened out of her life!" said Bridget. "Leave +her to me," said she to the men. "There, jewel machree!" she continued +to Andy, soothingly, "don't take on you that way--don't be afeerd, +you're among friends--Jack is only dhrunk dhrinking your health, +darlin', but he adores you." Andy screeched. + +"But don't be afeerd, you'll be thrated tender, and he'll marry you, +darlin', like an honest woman!" + +Andy squalled. + +"But not to-night, jewel--don't be frightened." + +Andy gave a heavy sob at the respite. + +"Boys, will you lift Jack out o' the turf, and carry him up into the +air? 't will be good for him, and this dacent girl will sleep with me +to-night." + +Andy couldn't resist a laugh at this, and Bridget feared the girl was +going off into hysterics again. + +"Aisy, dear--aisy--sure you'll be safe with me." + +"Ow! ow! ow!" shouted Andy. + +"Oh, murther!" cried Bridget, "the sterricks will be the death of her! +You blackguards, you frightened her coming up here, I'm sure." + +The men swore they behaved in the genteelest manner. "Well, take away +Jack, and the girl shall have share of my bed for this night." + +Andy shook internally with laughter. + +"Dear, dear, how she thrimbles!" cried Bridget, "Don't be so frightful, +_lanna machree_--there, now--they're taking Jack away, and you're alone +with myself and will have a nice sleep." + +The men all the time were removing _Shan More_ to upper air; and the +last sounds they heard as they left the cave were the coaxing tones of +Bridget's voice, inviting Andy, in the softest words, to go to bed. + + + + +CHAPTER XXXV + + +The workshops of Neck-or-Nothing Hall rang with the sounds of occupation +for two days after the demise of its former master. The hoarse grating +sound of the saw, the whistling of the plane, and the stroke of the +mallet denoted the presence of the carpenter; and the sharper clink of +a hammer told of old Fogy, the family "milliner," being at work; but +it was not on millinery Fogy was now employed, though neither was it +legitimate tinker's work. He was scrolling out with his shears, and +beating into form, a plate of tin, to serve for the shield on O'Grady's +coffin, which was to record his name, age, and day of departure; and +this was the second plate on which the old man worked, for one was +already finished in the corner. Why are there two coffin-plates? Enter +the carpenter's shop, and you will see the answer in two coffins the +carpenter has nearly completed. But why two coffins for one death? +Listen, reader, to a bit of Irish strategy. + +It has been stated that an apprehension was entertained of a seizure of +the inanimate body of O'Grady for the debts it had contracted in life, +and the harpy nature of the money-lender from whom this movement was +dreaded warranted the fear. Had O'Grady been popular, such a measure on +the part of a cruel creditor might have been defied, as the surrounding +peasantry would have risen _en masse_ to prevent it; but the hostile +position in which he had placed himself towards the people alienated the +natural affection they are born with for their chiefs, and any partial +defence the few fierce retainers whom individual interest had attached +to him could have made might have been insufficient; therefore, to save +his father's remains from the pollution (as the son considered) of a +bailiff's touch, Gustavus determined to achieve by stratagem what he +could not accomplish by force, and had two coffins constructed, the one +to be filled with stones and straw, and sent out by the front entrance +with all the demonstration of a real funeral, and be given up to the +attack it was feared would be made upon it while the other, put to its +legitimate use, should be placed on a raft, and floated down the river +to an ancient burial-ground which lay some miles below on the opposite +bank. A facility for this was afforded by a branch of the river running +up into the domain, as it will be remembered; and the scene of the +bearish freaks played upon Furlong was to witness a trick of a more +serious nature. + +While all these preparations were going forward, the "waking" was kept +up in all the barbarous style of old times; eating and drinking in +profusion went on in the house, and the kitchen of the hall rang with +joviality. The feats of sports and arms of the man who had passed +away were lauded, and his comparative achievements with those of +his progenitors gave rise to many a stirring anecdote; and bursts of +barbarous exultation, or more barbarous merriment, rang in the house +of death. There was no lack of whisky to fire the brains of these +revellers, for the standard of the measurement of family grandeur was, +too often, a liquid one in Ireland, even so recently as the time we +speak of; and the dozens of wine wasted during the life it helped to +shorten, and the posthumous gallons consumed in toasting to the memory +of the departed, were among the cherished remembrances of hereditary +honour. "There were two hogsheads of whisky drank at my father's wake!" +was but a moderate boast of a true Irish squire, fifty years ago. + +And now the last night of the wake approached, and the retainers +thronged to honour the obsequies of their departed chief with an +increased enthusiasm, which rose in proportion as the whisky got low; +and songs in praise of their present occupation--that is, getting +drunk--rang merrily round, and the sports of the field and the sorrows +and joys of love resounded; in short, the ruling passions of life +figured in rhyme and music in honour of this occasion of death--and as +death is the maker of widows, a very animated discussion on the subject +of widowhood arose, which afforded great scope for the rustic wits, and +was crowned by the song of "Widow Machree" being universally called for +by the company; and a fine-looking fellow with a merry eye and large +white teeth, which he amply displayed by a wide mouth, poured forth in +cheery tones a pretty lively air which suited well the humorous spirit +of the words:-- + +WIDOW MACHREE + + "Widow _machree_, it's no wonder you frown, + Och hone! widow machree: + 'Faith, it ruins your looks, that same dirty black gown, + Och hone! widow machree. + How altered your hair, + With that close cap you wear-- + 'Tis destroying your hair + Which should be flowing free: + Be no longer a churl + Of its black silken curl, + Och hone! widow machree. + + "Widow machree, now the summer is come, + Och hone! widow machree; + When everything smiles, should a beauty look glum! + Och hone! widow machree. + See the birds go in pairs, + And the rabbits and hares-- + Why even the bears + Now in couples agree; + And the mute little fish, + Though they can't spake, they wish, + Och hone! widow machree. + + "Widow machree, and when winter comes in, + Och hone! widow machree, + To be poking the fire all alone is a sin, + Och hone! widow machree, + Sure the shovel and tongs + To each other belongs, + And the kittle sings songs + Full of family glee, + While alone with your cup, + Like a hermit _you_ sup-- + Och hone! widow machree. + + "And how do you know, with the comforts I've towld, + Och hone! widow machree, + But you're keeping some poor fellow out in the cowld, + Och hone! widow machree. + With such sins on your head, + Sure your peace would be fled, + Could you sleep in your bed, + Without thinking to see + Some ghost or some sprite, + That would wake you each night, + Crying, 'Och hone! widow machree.' + + "Then take my advice, darling widow machree, + Och hone! widow machree, + And with my advice, 'faith I wish you'd take me, + Och hone! widow machree. + You'd have me to desire + Then to sit by the fire; + And sure hope is no liar + In whispering to me + That the ghosts would depart, + When you'd me near your heart, + Och hone! widow machree." + +The singer was honoured with a round of applause, and his challenge for +another lay was readily answered, and mirth and music filled the night +and ushered in the dawn of the day which was to witness the melancholy +sight of the master of an ample mansion being made the tenant of the +"narrow house." + +In the evening of that day, however, the wail rose loud and long; the +mirth which "the waking" permits had passed away, and the _ulican_, or +funeral cry, told that the lifeless chief was being borne from his hall. +That wild cry was heard even by the party who were waiting to make their +horrid seizure, and for _that_ party the stone-laden coffin was sent +with a retinue of mourners through the old iron gate of the principal +entrance, while the mortal remains were borne by a smaller party to the +river inlet and placed on the raft. Half an hour had witnessed a sham +fight on the part of O'Grady's people with the bailiffs and their +followers, who made the seizure they intended, and locked up their prize +in an old barn to which it had been conveyed, until some engagement on +the part of the heir should liberate it; while the aforesaid heir, as +soon as the shadows of evening had shrouded the river in obscurity, +conveyed the remains, which the myrmidons of the law fancied they +possessed, to its quiet and lonely resting-place. The raft was taken +in tow by a boat carrying two of the boys, and pulled by four lusty +retainers of the departed chief, while Gustavus himself stood on the +raft, astride over the coffin, and with an eel-spear, which had afforded +him many a day's sport, performed the melancholy task of guiding it. +It was a strangely painful yet beautiful sight to behold the graceful +figure of the fine boy engaged in this last sad duty; with dexterous +energy he plied his spear, now on this side and now on that, directing +the course of the raft, or clearing it from the flaggers which +interrupted its passage through the narrow inlet. This duty he had to +attend to for some time, even after leaving the little inlet; for the +river was much overgrown with flaggers at this point, and the increasing +darkness made the task more difficult. + +In the midst of all this action not one word was spoken, even the sturdy +boatmen were mute, and the fall of the oar in the rowlock, the plash of +the water, and the crushing sound of the yielding rushes as the "watery +bier" made its way through them were the only sounds which broke the +silence. Still Gustavus betrayed no emotion; but by the time they +reached the open stream, and that his personal exertion was no longer +required, a change came over him. It was night,--the measured beat of +the oars sounded like a knell to him--there was darkness above him and +death below, and he sank down upon the coffin, and plunging his face +passionately between his hands, he wept bitterly. Sad were the thoughts +that oppressed the brain and wrung the heart of the high-spirited +boy. He felt that his dead father was _escaping_, as it were, to +the grave,--that even death did not terminate the consequences of an +ill-spent life. He felt like a thief in the night, even in the execution +of his own stratagem, and the bitter thoughts of that sad and solemn +time wrought a potent spell over after-years; that one hour of misery +and disgrace influenced the entire of a future life. + +On a small hill overhanging the river was the ruin of an ancient early +temple of Christianity, and to its surrounding burial-ground a few of +the retainers had been despatched to prepare a grave. They were engaged +in this task by the light of a torch made of bog-pine, when the flicker +of the flame attracted the eye of a horseman who was riding slowly along +the neighbouring road. Wondering what could be the cause of light +in such a place, he leaped the adjoining fence and rode up to the +grave-yard. + +"What are you doing here?" he said to the labourers. They paused and +looked up, and the flash of the torch fell upon the features of +Edward O'Connor. "We're finishing your work," said one of the men with +malicious earnestness. + +"My work?" repeated Edward. + +"Yes," returned the man, more sternly than before--"this is the grave of +O'Grady." + +The words went like an ice-bolt through Edward's heart, and even by the +torchlight the tormentor could see his victim grew livid. + +The fellow who wounded so deeply one so generally beloved as Edward +O'Connor was a thorough ruffian. His answer to Edward's query sprang not +from love of O'Grady, nor abhorrence of taking human life, but from the +opportunity of retort which the occasion offered upon one who had once +checked him in an act of brutality. + +Yet Edward O'Connor could not reply--it was a home thrust. The death +of O'Grady had weighed heavily upon him; for though O'Grady's wound +had been given in honourable combat, provoked by his own fury, and not +producing immediate death; though that death had supervened upon the +subsequent intractability of the patient; yet the fact that O'Grady had +never been "up and doing" since the duel tended to give the impression +that his wound was the remote if not the immediate cause of his death, +and this circumstance weighed heavily on Edward's spirits. His friends +told him he felt over keenly upon the subject, and that no one but +himself could entertain a question of _his_ total innocence of O'Grady's +death; but when from the lips of a common peasant he got the answer +he did, and _that_ beside the grave of his adversary, it will not be +wondered at that he reeled in his saddle. A cold shivering sickness +came over him, and to avoid falling he alighted and leaned for support +against his horse, which stooped, when freed from the restraint of the +rein, to browse on the rank verdure; and for a moment Edward envied the +unconsciousness of the animal against which he leaned. He pressed his +forehead against the saddle, and from the depth of a bleeding heart came +up an agonised exclamation. + +A gentle hand was laid on his shoulder as he spoke, and, turning round, +he beheld Mr. Bermingham. + +"What brings you here?" said the clergyman. + +"Accident," answered Edward. "But why should I say accident?--it is by a +higher authority and a better--it is the will of Heaven. It is meant as +a bitter lesson to human pride: we make for ourselves laws of _honour_, +and forget the laws of God!" + +"Be calm, my young friend," said the worthy pastor; "I cannot wonder you +feel deeply--but command yourself." He pressed Edward's hand as he spoke +and left him, for he knew that an agony so keen is not benefited by +companionship. + +Mr. Bermingham was there by appointment to perform the burial service, +and he had not left Edward's side many minutes when a long wild whistle +from the waters announced the arrival of the boat and raft, and the +retainers ran down to the river, leaving the pine-torch stuck in the +upturned earth, waving its warm blaze over the cold grave. During +the interval which ensued between the departure of the men and their +reappearance, bearing the body to its last resting-place, Mr. Bermingham +spoke with Edward O'Connor, and soothed him into a more tranquil +bearing. When the coffin came within view he advanced to meet it, and +began the sublime burial-service, which he repeated most impressively. +When it was over, the men commenced filling up the grave. As the clods +fell upon the coffin, they smote the hearts of the dead man's children; +yet the boys stood upon the verge of the grave as long as a vestige +of the tenement of their lost father could be seen; but as soon as the +coffin was hidden, they withdrew from the brink, and the younger boys, +each taking hold of the hand of the eldest, seemed to imply the need +of mutual dependence:--as if death had drawn closer the bond of +brotherhood. + +There was no sincerer mourner at that place than Edward O'Connor, who +stood aloof, in respect for the feelings of the children of the departed +man, till the grave was quite filled up, and all were about to leave the +spot; but then his feelings overmastered him, and, impelled by a torrent +of contending emotions, he rushed forward, and throwing himself on his +knees before Gustavus, he held up his hands imploringly, and sobbed +forth, "Forgive me!" + +The astonished boy drew back. + +"Oh, forgive me!" repeated Edward--"I could not help it--it was forced +on me--it was--" + +As he struggled for utterance, even the rough retainers were touched, +and one of them exclaimed, "Oh, Mr. O'Connor, it was a fair fight!" + +"There!" exclaimed Edward--"you hear it! Oh, give me your hand in +forgiveness!" + +"I forgive you," said the boy, "but do not ask me to give you my hand +to-night." + +"You are right" said Edward, springing to his feet--"you are right--you +are a noble fellow; and now, remember my parting words, Gustavus:--Here, +by the side of your father's grave, I pledge you my soul that through +life and till death, in all extremity, Edward O'Connor is your sworn and +trusty friend." + + + + +CHAPTER XXXVI + + +While the foregoing scene of sadness took place in the lone churchyard, +unholy watch was kept over the second coffin by the myrmidons of the +law. The usurer who made the seizure had brought down from Dublin three +of the most determined bailiffs from amongst the tribe, and to their +care was committed the keeping of the supposed body in the old barn. +Associated with these worthies were a couple of ill-conditioned country +blackguards, who, for the sake of a bottle of whisky, would keep company +with Old Nick himself, and who expected, moreover, to hear "a power +o' news" from the "gentlemen" from Dublin, who, in their turn did not +object to have their guard strengthened, as their notions of a rescue in +the country parts of Ireland were anything but agreeable. The night was +cold, so, clearing away from one end of the barn the sheaves of corn +with which it was stored, they made a turf fire, stretched themselves +on a good shake-down of straw before the cheering blaze, and circulated +among them the whisky, of which they had a good store. A tap at the +door announced a new-comer; but the Dublin bailiffs, fearing a surprise, +hesitated to open to the knock until their country allies assured them +it was a friend whose voice they recognised. The door was opened, and in +walked Larry Hogan, to pick up his share of what was going, whatever it +might be, saying-- + +"I thought you wor for keeping me out altogether." + +"The gintlemin from Dublin was afeard of what they call a riskya" +(rescue), said the peasant, "till I told them 't was a friend." + +"Divil a riskya will come near you to-night," said Larry, "you may make +your minds aisy about that, for the people doesn't care enough about +_his_ bones to get their own broke in savin' him, and no wondher. It's +a lantherumswash bully he always was, quiet as he is now. And there you +are, my bold squire," said he, apostrophising the coffin which had +been thrown on a heap of sheaves. "Faix, it's a good kitchen you kep', +anyhow, whenever you had it to spind; and indeed when you _hadn't_ you +spint it all the same, for the divil a much you cared how you got +it; but death has made you pay the reckoning at last--that thing that +filly-officers call the debt o' nature must be paid, whatever else you +may owe." + +"Why, it's as good as a sarmon to hear you," said one of the bailiffs. +"O Larry, sir, discourses iligant," said a peasant. + +"Tut, tut, tut," said Larry, with affected modesty: "it's not what _I_ +say, but I can tell you a thing that Docthor Growlin' put out on him +more nor a year ago, which was mighty 'cute. Scholars calls it an +'epithet of dissipation,' which means getting a man's tombstone ready +for him before he dies; and divil a more cutting thing was ever cut on a +tombstone than the doctor's rhyme; this is it-- + + 'Here lies O'Grady, that cantankerous creature, + Who paid, as all must pay, the debt of nature; + But, keeping to his general maxim still, + Paid it--like other debts--against his will.'" + +[Footnote: These bitter lines on a "bad pay" were written by a Dublin +medical wit of high repute, of whom Dr. Growling is a prototype.] + +"What do _you_ think o' that, Goggins?" inquired one bailiff from the +other; "you're a judge o' po'thry." + +"It's _sevare,"_ answered Goggins, authoritatively, "but _coorse,_ I +wish you'd brile the rashers; I begin to feel the calls o' nature, as +the poet says." + +This Mister Goggins was a character in his way. He had the greatest +longing to be thought a poet, put execrable couplets together +sometimes, and always talked as fine as he could; and his mixture of +sentimentality, with a large stock of blackguardism, produced a strange +jumble. + +"The people here thought it nate, sir," said Larry. + +"Oh, very well for the country!" said Goggins; "but 't wouldn't do for +town." + +"Misther Coggings knows best," said the bailiff who first spoke, "for +he's a pote himself, and writes in the newspapers." + +"Oh, indeed!" said Larry. + +"Yes," said Goggins, "sometimes I throw off little things for the +newspapers. There's a friend of mine you see, a gentleman connected with +the press, who is often in defficulties, and I give him a hint to keep +out o' the way when he's in trouble, and he swears I've a genus for the +muses, and encourages me--" + +"Humph!" says Larry. + +"And puts my things in the paper, when he gets the editor's back turned, +for the editor is a consaited chap that likes no one's po'thry but his +own; but never mind--if I ever get a writ against that chap, _won't_ I +sarve it!" + +"And I dar say some day you will have it agen him, sir," said Larry. + +"Sure of it, a'most," said Goggins; "them litherary men is always in +defficulties." + +"I wondher you'd be like them, then, and write at all," said Larry. + +"Oh, as for me, it's only by way of amusement; attached as I am to the +legal profession, my time wouldn't permit; but I have been infected by +the company I kept. The living images that creeps over a man sometimes +is irresistible, and you have no pace till you get them out o' your +head." + +"Oh, indeed, they are very throublesome," says Larry, "and are the +litherary gintlemen, sir, as you call them, mostly that way?" + +"To be sure; it is _that_ which makes a litherary man: his head is +full--teems with creation, sir." + +"Dear, dear!" said Larry. + +"And when once the itch of litherature comes over a man, nothing can +cure it but the scratching of a pen." + +"But if you have not a pen, I suppose you must scratch any other way you +can." + +"To be sure," said Goggins, "I have seen a litherary gentleman in a +sponging-house do crack things on the wall with a bit of burnt stick, +rather than be idle--they must execute." + +"Ha!" says Larry. + +"Sometimes, in all their poverty and difficulty, I envy the 'fatal +fatality,' as the poet says, of such men in catching ideas." + +"That's the genteel name for it," says Larry. + +"Oh!" exclaimed Goggins, enthusiastically, "I know the satisfaction of +catching a man, but it's nothing at all compared to catching an idea. +For the man, you see, can give hail and get off, but the idea is your +own for ever. And then a rhyme--when it has puzzled you all day, the +pleasure you have in _nabbing_ it at last!" + +"Oh, it's po'thry you're spakin' about," said Larry. + +"To be sure," said Goggins; "do you think I'd throw away my time on +prose? You're burning that bacon, Tim," said he to his _sub_. + +"Poethry, agen the world!" continued he to Larry, "the Castilian +sthraime for me!--Hand us that whisky"--he put the bottle to his mouth +and took a swig--"That's good--you do a bit of private here, I suspect," +said he, with a wink, pointing to the bottle. + +Larry returned a significant grin, but said nothing. Oh, don't be afraid +o' me--I would n't'peach--" + +"Sure it's agen the law, and you're a gintleman o' the law," said Larry. + +"That's no rule," said Goggins: "the Lord Chief Justice always goes to +bed, they say, with six tumblers o' potteen under his belt; and dhrink +it myself." + +"Arrah, how do you get it?" said Larry. + +"From a gentleman, a friend o' mine, in the Custom-house." + +"A-dad, that's quare," said Larry, laughing. + +"Oh, we see queer things, I tell you," said Goggins, "we gentlemen of +the law." + +"To be sure you must," returned Larry; "and mighty improvin' it must be. +Did you ever catch a thief, sir?" + +"My good man, you mistake my profession," said Goggins, proudly; "we +never have anything to do in the _criminal_ line, that's much beneath +_us_." + +"I ax your pardon, sir." + +"No offence--no offence." + +"But it must be mighty improvin', I think, ketching of thieves, and +finding out their thricks and hidin'-places, and the like?" + +"Yes, yes," said Goggins, "good fun; though I don't do it, I know all +about it, and could tell queer things too." + +"Arrah, maybe you would, sir?" said Larry. + +"Maybe I will, after we nibble some rashers--will you take share?" + +"Musha, long life to you," said Larry, always willing to get whatever he +could. A repast was now made, more resembling a feast of savages round +their war-fire than any civilised meal; slices of bacon broiled in +the fire, and eggs roasted in the turf-ashes. The viands were not +objectionable; but the cooking! Oh!--there was neither gridiron nor +frying-pan, fork nor spoon; a couple of clasp-knives served the whole +party. Nevertheless, they satisfied their hunger and then sent the +bottle on its exhilarating round. Soon after that, many a story of +burglary, robbery, swindling, petty larceny, and every conceivable +crime, was related for the amusement of the circle; and the plots +and counterplots of thieves and thief-takers raised the wonder of the +peasants. Larry Hogan was especially delighted; more particularly when +some trick of either villany or cunning came out. + +"Now women are troublesome cattle to deal with mostly," said Goggins. +"They are remarkably 'cute first, and then they are spiteful after; +and for circumventin' _either_ way are sharp hands. You see they do it +quieter than men; a man will make a noise about it, but a woman does +it all on the sly. There was Bill Morgan--and a sharp fellow he was, +too--and he had set his heart on some silver spoons he used to see down +in a kitchen windy, but the servant-maid, somehow or other, suspected +there was designs about the place, and was on the watch. Well, one +night, when she was all alone, she heard a noise outside the windy, so +she kept as quiet as a mouse. By-and-by the sash was attempted to be +riz from the outside, so she laid hold of a kittle of boiling wather and +stood hid behind the shutter. The windy was now riz a little, and a hand +and arm thrust in to throw up the sash altogether, when the girl poured +the boiling wather down the sleeve of Bill's coat. Bill roared with +the pain, when the girl said to him, laughing, through the windy, 'I +_thought_ you came for something.'" + +"That was a 'cute girl," said Larry, chuckling. + +"Well, now, that's an instance of a woman's cleverness in preventing. +I'll teach you one of her determination to discover and prosecute to +conviction; and in this case, what makes it curious is, that Jack Tate +had done the bowldest thing, and run the greatest risks, 'the +eminent deadly,' as the poet says, when he was done up at last by a +feather-bed." + +"A feather-bed," repeated Larry, wondering how a feather-bed could +influence the fate of a bold burglar, while Goggins mistook his +exclamation of surprise to signify the paltriness of the prize, and +therefore chimed in with him. + +"Quite true--no wonder you wonder--quite below a man of his pluck; but +the fact was, a sweetheart of his was longing for a feather-bed, and +Jack determined to get it. Well, he marched into a house, the door of +which he found open, and went up-stairs, and took the best feather-bed +in the house, tied it up in the best quilt, crammed some caps and +ribbons he saw lying about into the bundle, and marched down-stairs +again; but you see, in carrying off even the small thing of a +feather-bed, Jack showed the skill of a high practitioner, for he +descendhered the stairs backwards." + +"Backwards!" said Larry, "what was that for?" + +"You'll see by-and-by," said Goggins; "he descendhered backwards when +suddenly he heard a door opening, and a faymale voice exclaim, 'Where +are you going with that bed?' + +"'I am going up-stairs with it, ma'am,' says Jack, whose backward +position favoured his lie, and he began to walk up again. + +"'Come down here,' said the lady, 'we want no beds here, man.' + +"'Mr. Sullivan, ma'am, sent me home with it himself,' said Jack, still +mounting the stairs. + +"'Come down, I tell you,' said the lady, in a great rage. 'There's +no Mr. Sullivan lives here--go out of this with your bed, you stupid +fellow.' + +"'I beg your pardon, ma'am,' says Jack, turning round, and marching off +with the bed fair and aisy. Well, there was a regular shilloo in the +house when the thing was found out, and cart-ropes wouldn't howld the +lady for the rage she was in at being diddled; so she offered rewards, +and the dickens knows all; and what do you think at last discovered our +poor Jack?" + +"The sweetheart, maybe," said Larry, grinning in ecstasy at the thought +of human perfidy. + +"No," said Goggins, "honour even among sweethearts, though they do the +trick sometimes, I confess; but no woman of any honour would betray a +great man like Jack. No--'t was one of the paltry ribbons that brought +conviction home to him; the woman never lost sight of hunting up +evidence about her feather-bed, and, in the end, a ribbon out of one of +her caps settled the hash of Jack Tate." + +From robbings they went on to tell of murders, and at last that +uncomfortable sensation which people experience after a feast of horrors +began to pervade the party; and whenever they looked round, _there_ was +the coffin in the background. + +"Throw some turf on the fire," said Goggins, "'t is burning low; +and change the subject; the tragic muse has reigned sufficiently +long--enough of the dagger and the bowl--sink the socks and put on the +buckskins. Leather away, Jim--sing us a song." + +"What is it to be?" asked Jim. + +"Oh--that last song of the Solicitor-General's," said Goggins, with an +air as if the Solicitor-General were his particular friend. + +"About the robbery?" inquired Jim. + +"To be sure," returned Goggins. + +"Dear me," said Larry, "and would so grate a man as the +Solicithor-General demane himself by writin' about robbers?" + +"Oh!" said Goggins, "those in the heavy profession of the law must have +their little private moments of rollickzation; and then high men, you +see, like to do a bit of low by way of variety. 'The Night before Larry +was stretched' was done by a bishop, they say; and 'Lord Altamont's +Bull' by the Lord Chief Justice; and the Solicitor-General is as up to +fun as any bishop of them all. Come, Jim, tip us the stave!" + +Jim cleared his throat and obeyed his chief. + +THE QUAKER'S MEETING + +I + + "A traveller wended the wilds among, + With a purse of gold and a silver tongue; + His hat it was broad, and all drab were his clothes, + For he hated high colours--except on his nose, + And he met with a lady, the story goes. + Heigho! _yea_ thee and _nay_ thee. + +II + + "The damsel she cast him a merry blink, + And the traveller nothing was loth, I think; + Her merry black eye beamed her bonnet beneath, + And the quaker, he grinned, for he'd very good teeth, + And he asked, 'Art thee [1] going to ride on the heath?' + Heigho! _yea_ thee and _nay_ thee. + +[1][Footnote: The inferior class of quakers make THEE serve not only its +own grammatical use, but also do the duty of THY and THINE.] + +III + + "'I hope you'll protect me, kind sir,' said the maid, + 'As to ride this heath over I'm sadly afraid; + For robbers, they say, here in numbers abound, + And I wouldn't "for anything" I should be found, + For, between you and me, I have five hundred pound.' + Heigho! _yea_ thee and _nay_ thee. + +IV + + "'If that is thee own, dear,' the quaker he said, + 'I ne'er saw a maiden I sooner would wed; + And I have another five hundred just now, + In the padding that's under my saddle-bow, + And I'll settle it all upon thee, I vow!' + Heigho! _yea_ thee and _nay_ thee. + +V + + "The maiden she smiled, and her rein she drew, + 'Your offer I'll take, though I'll not take you;' + A pistol she held at the quaker's head-- + 'Now give me your gold, or I'll give you my lead, + 'Tis under the saddle I think you said.' + Heigho! _yea_ thee and _nay_ thee. + +VI + + "The damsel she ripp'd up the saddle-bow, + And the quaker was never a quaker till now; + And he saw by the fair one he wish'd for a bride + His purse borne away with a swaggering stride, + And the eye that looked tender now only defied. + Heigho! _yea_ thee and _nay_ thee. + +VII + + "'The spirit doth move me, friend Broadbrim,' quoth she, + 'To take all this filthy temptation from thee; + For Mammon deceiveth, and beauty is fleeting: + Accept from thy _maai-d'n_ a right loving greeting, + For much doth she profit by this quaker's meeting. + Heigho! _yea_ thee and _nay_ thee. + +VIII + + "'And hark! jolly quaker, so rosy and sly, + Have righteousness more than a wench in thine eye, + Don't go again peeping girls' bonnets beneath, + Remember the one that you met on the heath, + _Her_ name's _Jimmy_ Barlow--I tell to your teeth!' + Heigho! _yea_ thee and _nay_ thee. + +IX + + "'_Friend_ James,' quoth the quaker, 'pray listen to me, + For thou canst confer a great favour, d' ye see; + The gold thou hast taken is not mine, my friend, + But my master's--and on thee I depend + To make it appear I my trust did defend. + Heigho! _yea_ thee and _nay_ thee. + +X + + "'So fire a few shots through my clothes, here and there, + To make it appear 't was a desp'rate affair.' + So Jim he popped first through the skirt of his coat, + And then through his collar quite close to his throat. + 'Now once through my broad-brim,' quoth Ephraim, 'I vote. + Heigho! _yea_ thee and _nay_ thee. + +XI + + "'I have but a brace,' said bold Jim, 'and they 're spent, + And I won't load again for a make-believe rent.' + 'Then,' said Ephraim--producing his pistols--'just give + My five hundred pounds back--or, as sure as you live, + I'll make of your body a riddle or sieve.' + Heigho! _yea_ thee and _nay_ thee. + +XII + + "Jim Barlow was diddled, and though he was game, + He saw Ephraim's pistol so deadly in aim, + That he gave up the gold, and he took to his scrapers; + And when the whole story got into the papers, + They said that '_the thieves were no match for the quakers_.' + Heigho! _yea_ thee and _nay_ thee." + +"Well, it's a quare thing you should be singin' a song here," said Larry +Hogan, "about Jim Barlow, and it's not over half a mile out of this very +place he was hanged." + +"Indeed!" exclaimed all the men at once, looking with great interest at +Larry. + +"It's truth I'm telling you. He made a very bowld robbery up by the long +hill there, on _two_ gintlemen, for he was mighty stout." + +"Pluck to the back-bone," said Goggins. + +"Well, he tuk the purses aff both o' them; and just as he was goin' on +afther doin' the same, what should appear on the road before him, but +two other travellers coming up forninst him. With that the men that was +robbed cried out, 'Stop thief!' and so Jim, seein' himself hemmed in +betune the four o' them, faced his horse to the ditch and took across +the counthry; but the thravellers was well mounted as well as himself, +and powdhered afther him like mad. Well, it was equal to a steeple chase +a'most; and Jim, seein' he could not shake them off, thought the best +thing he could do was to cut out some troublesome work for them; so he +led off where he knew there was the divil's own leap to take, and he +intended to 'pound [Footnote: Impound] them there, and be off in the +mane time; but as ill luck would have it, his own horse, that was as +bowld as himself, and would jump at the moon if he was faced to it, +missed his foot in takin' off, and fell short o' the leap and slipped +his shouldher, and Jim himself had a bad fall of it too, and, av coorse, +it was all over wid him--and up came the four gintlemen. Well, Jim had +his pistols yet, and he pulled them out, and swore he'd shoot the first +man that attempted to take him; but the gintlemen had pistols as well as +he, and were so hot on the chase they determined to have him, and closed +on him. Jim fired and killed one o' them; but he got a ball in the +shouldher himself, from another, and he was taken. Jim sthruv to shoot +himself with his second pistol, but it missed fire. 'The curse o' the +road is on me,' said Jim; 'my pistol missed fire, and my horse slipped +his shouldher, and now I'll be scragged,' says he, 'but it's not for +nothing--I've killed one o' ye,' says he." + +"He was all pluck," said Goggins. + +"Desperate bowld," said Larry. "Well, he was thried and condimned _av +coorse_, and was hanged, as I tell you, half a mile out o' this very +place, where we are sittin', and his appearance walks, they say, ever +since." + +"You don't say so!" said Goggins. + +"'Faith, it's thrue!" answered Larry. + +"You never saw it," said Goggins. + +"The Lord forbid!" returned Larry; "but it's thrue, for all that. For +you see the big house near this barn, that is all in ruin, was desarted +because Jim's ghost used to walk." + +"That was foolish," said Goggins; "stir up the fire, Jim, and hand me +the whisky." + +"Oh, if it was only walkin', they might have got over that; but at last +one night, as the story goes, when there was a thremendious storm o' +wind and rain--" + +"Whisht!" said one of the peasants, "what's that?" + +As they listened, they heard the beating of heavy rain against the door, +and the wind howled through its chinks. + +"Well," said Goggins, "what are you stopping for?" + +"Oh, I'm not stoppin'," said Larry; "I was sayin' that it was a bad wild +night, and Jimmy Barlow's appearance came into the house and asked them +for a glass o' sper'ts, and that he'd be obleeged to them if they'd +help him with his horse that slipped his shouldher; and, 'faith, afther +_that_, they'd stay in the place no longer; and signs on it, the house +is gone to rack and ruin, and it's only this barn that is kept up at +all, because it's convaynient for owld Skinflint on the farm." + +"That's all nonsense," said Goggins, who wished, nevertheless, that he +had not heard the "nonsense." + +"Come, sing another song, Jim." + +Jim said he did not remember one. + +"Then you sing, Ralph." + +Ralph said every one knew he never did more than join a chorus. + +"Then join me in a chorus," said Goggins, "for I'll sing, if Jim's +afraid." + +"I'm not afraid," said Jim. + +"Then why won't you sing?" + +"Because I don't like." + +"Ah!" exclaimed Goggins. + +"Well, maybe you're afraid yourself," said Jim, "if you towld thruth." +"Just to show you how little I'm afeard," said Goggins, with a +swaggering air, "I'll sing another song about Jimmy Barlow." + +"You'd better not," said Larry Hogan. "Let him rest in pace!" + +"Fudge!" said Goggins. "Will you join chorus, Jim?" + +"I will," said Jim, fiercely. + +"We'll all join," said the men (except Larry), who felt it would be a +sort of relief to bully away the supernatural terror which hung round +their hearts after the ghost story by the sound of their own voices. + +"Then here goes!" said Goggins, who started another long ballad about +Jimmy Barlow, in the opening of which all joined. It ran as follows:-- + + "My name it is Jimmy Barlow, + I was born in the town of Carlow, + And here I lie in the Maryborough jail, + All for the robbing of the Wicklow mail. + Fol de rol de rol de riddle-ido!" + +As it would be tiresome to follow this ballad through all its length, +breadth, and thickness, we shall leave the singers engaged in their +chorus, while we call the reader's attention to a more interesting +person than Mister Goggins or Jimmy Barlow. + + + + +CHAPTER XXXVII + + +When Edward O'Connor had hurried from the burial-place, he threw himself +into his saddle, and urged his horse to speed, anxious to fly the spot +where his feelings had been so harrowed; and as he swept along through +the cold night wind which began to rise in gusty fits, and howled past +him, there was in the violence of his rapid motion something congenial +to the fierce career of painful thoughts which chased each other through +his heated brain. He continued to travel at this rapid pace, so absorbed +in bitter reflection as to be quite insensible to external impressions, +and he knew not how far nor how fast he was going, though the heavy +breathing of his horse at any other time would have been signal +sufficient to draw the rein; but still he pressed onward, and still the +storm increased, and each acclivity was topped but to sweep down the +succeeding slope at the same desperate pace. Hitherto the road over +which he pursued his fleet career lay through an open country, and +though the shades of a stormy night hung above it, the horse could make +his way in safety through the gloom; but now they approached an old road +which skirted an ancient domain, whose venerable trees threw their arms +across the old causeway, and added their shadows to the darkness of the +night. + +Many and many a time had Edward ridden in the soft summer under the +green shade of these very trees, in company with Fanny Dawson, his +guiltless heart full of hope and love; perhaps it was this very thought +crossing his mind at the moment which made his present circumstances the +more oppressive. He was guiltless no longer--he rode not in happiness +with the woman he adored under the soft shade of summer trees, but heard +the wintry wind howl through their leafless boughs as he hurried in +maddened speed beneath them, and heard in the dismal sound but an +echo of the voice of remorse which was ringing through his heart. The +darkness was intense from the canopy of old oaks which overhung the +road, but still the horse was urged through the dark ravine at speed, +though one might not see an arm's length before. Fearlessly it was +performed, though ever and anon, as the trees swung about their heavy +branches in the storm, smaller portions of the boughs were snapped off +and flung in the faces of the horse and the rider, who still spurred +and plashed his headlong way through the heavy road beneath. Emerging +at length from the deep and overshadowed valley, a steep hill raised +its crest in advance, but still up the stony acclivity the feet of the +mettled steed rattled rapidly, and flashed fire from the flinty path. As +they approached the top of the hill, the force of the storm became more +apparent; and on reaching its crest, the fierce pelting of the mingled +rain and hail made the horse impatient of the storm of which his rider +was heedless--almost unconscious. The spent animal with short snortings +betokened his labour, and shook his head passionately as the fierce +hail-shower struck him in the eyes and nostrils. Still, however, was he +urged downward, but he was no longer safe. Quite blown, and pressed +over a rough descent, the generous creature, that would die rather than +refuse, made a false step, and came heavily to the ground. Edward was +stunned by the fall, though not seriously hurt; and, after the lapse of +a few seconds, recovered his feet, but found the horse still prostrate. +Taking the animal by the head, he assisted him to rise, which he was not +enabled to do till after several efforts; and when he regained his legs, +it was manifest he was seriously lamed; and as he limped along with +difficulty beside his master, who led him gently, it became evident that +it was beyond the animal's power to reach his own stable that night. +Edward for the first time was now aware of how much he had punished his +horse; he felt ashamed of using the noble brute with such severity, and +became conscious that he had been acting under something little short +of frenzy. The consciousness at once tended to restore him somewhat to +himself, and he began to look around on every side in search of some +house where he could find rest and shelter for his disabled horse. As +he proceeded thus, the care necessarily bestowed on his dumb companion +partially called off his thoughts from the painful theme with which they +had been exclusively occupied, and the effect was most beneficial. The +first violent burst of feeling was past, and a calmer train of thought +succeeded; he for the first time remembered the boy had forgiven him, +and that was a great consolation to him; he recalled, too, his own +words, pledging to Gustavus his friendship, and in this pleasing hope of +the future he saw much to redeem what he regretted of the past. Still, +however, the wild flare of the pine-torch over the lone grave of his +adversary, and the horrid answer of the grave-digger, that he was but +"finishing _his_ work," would recur to his memory and awake an internal +pang. + +From this painful reminiscence he sought to escape, by looking forward +to all he would do for Gustavus, and had become much calmer, when the +glimmer of a light not far ahead attracted him, and he soon was enabled +to perceive it proceeded from some buildings that lay on his right, +not far from the road. He turned up the rough path which formed the +approach, and the light escaped through the chinks of a large door which +indicated the place to be a coach-house, or some such office, belonging +to the general pile which seemed in a ruinous condition. + +As he approached, Edward heard rude sounds of merriment, amongst which +the joining of many voices in a "ree-raw" chorus indicated that a +carouse was going forward within. + +On reaching the door he could perceive through a wide chink a group +of men sitting round a turf fire piled at the far end of the building, +which had no fire-place, and the smoke, curling upwards to the roof, +wreathed the rafters in smoke; beneath this vapoury canopy the party +sat drinking and singing, and Edward, ere he knocked for admittance, +listened to the following strange refrain:-- + + _"For my name it is Jimmy Barlow, + I was born in the town of Carlow, + And here I lie in Maryborough jail, + All for the robbing of the Wicklow mail. + Fol de rol de riddle-iddle-ido!"_ + +Then the principal singer took up the song, which seemed to be one of +robbery, blood, and murder, for it ran thus:-- + + "Then he cocked his pistol gaily, + And stood before him bravely, + Smoke and fire is my desire, + So blaze away, my game-cock squire. + _For my name it is Jimmy Barlow, + I was born &c._" + +Edward O'Connor knocked at the door loudly; the words he had just heard +about "pistols," "blazing away," and, last of all, "_squire_" fell +gratingly on his ear at that moment, and seemed strangely to connect +themselves with the previous adventures of the night and his own sad +thoughts, and he beat against the door with violence. + +The chorus ceased; Edward repeated his knocking. Still there was no +answer; but he heard low and hurried muttering inside. Determined, +however, to gain admittance, Edward laid hold of an iron hasp outside +the door, which enabled him to shake the gate with violence, that there +might be no excuse on the part of the inmates that they did not hear; +but in thus making the old door rattle in its frame, it suddenly yielded +to his touch and creaked open on its rusty hinges; for when Larry Hogan +had entered, it had been forgotten to be barred. + +As Edward stood in the open doorway, the first object which met his eye +was the coffin--and it is impossible to say how much at that moment the +sight shocked him; he shuddered involuntarily, yet could not withdraw +his eyes from the revolting object; and the pallor with which his +previous mental anxiety had invested his cheek increased as he looked on +this last tenement of mortality. "Am I to see nothing but the evidences +of death's doing this night?" was the mental question which shot through +Edward's over-wrought brain, and he grew livid at the thought. He looked +more like one raised from the grave than a living being, and a wild +glare in his eyes rendered his appearance still more unearthly. He felt +that shame which men always experience in allowing their feelings to +overcome them; and by a great effort he mastered his emotion and spoke, +but the voice partook of the strong nervous excitement under which he +laboured, and was hollow and broken, and seemed more like that which one +might fancy to proceed from the jaws of a sepulchre than one of flesh +and blood. Beaten by the storm, too, his hair hung in wet flakes over +his face and added to his wild appearance, so that the men all started +up at the first glimpse they caught of him, and huddled themselves +together in the farthest corner of the building, from whence they eyed +him with evident alarm. + +Edward thought some whisky might check the feeling of faintness which +overcame him; and though he deemed it probable he had broken in upon the +nocturnal revel of desperate and lawless men, he nevertheless asked them +to give him some; but instead of displaying that alacrity so universal +in Ireland, of sharing the "creature" with a new-comer, the men only +pointed to the bottle which stood beside the fire, and drew closer +together. + +Edward's desire for the stimulant was so great, that he scarcely noticed +the singular want of courtesy on the part of the men; and seizing the +bottle (for there was no glass), he put it to his lips, and quaffed a +hearty dram of the spirit before he spoke. + +"I must ask for shelter and assistance here," said Edward. "My horse, I +fear, has slipped his shoulder--" + +Before he could utter another word, a simultaneous roar of terror burst +from the group; they fancied the ghost of Jimmy Barlow was before them, +and made a simultaneous rush from the barn; and when they saw the horse +at the door, another yell escaped them, as they fled with increased +speed and terror. Edward stood in amazement as the men rushed from his +presence; he followed to the gate to recall them; they were gone; he +could only hear their yells in the distance. The circumstance seemed +quite unaccountable; and as he stood lost in vain surmises as to the +cause of the strange occurrence, a low neigh of recognition from the +horse reminded him of the animal's wants, and he led him into the barn, +where, from the plenty of straw which lay around, he shook down a litter +where the maimed animal might rest. + +He then paced up and down the barn, lost in wonder at the conduct +of those whom he found there, and whom his presence had so suddenly +expelled; and ever as he walked towards the fire, the coffin caught his +eye. As a fitful blaze occasionally arose, it flashed upon the plate, +which brightly reflected the flame, and Edward was irresistibly drawn, +despite his original impression of horror at the object, to approach and +read the inscription. The shield bore the name of "O'Grady," and Edward +recoiled from the coffin with a shudder, and inwardly asked, was he in +his waking senses? He had but an hour ago seen his adversary laid in his +grave, yet here was his coffin again before him, as if to harrow up his +soul anew. Was it real, or a mockery? Was he the sport of a dream, or +was there some dreadful curse fallen upon him that he should be for ever +haunted by the victim of his arm, and the call of vengeance for blood +be ever upon his track? He breathed short and hard, and the smoky +atmosphere in which he was enveloped rendered respiration still more +difficult. As through this oppressive vapour, which seemed only fit +for the nether world, he saw the coffin-plate flash back the flame, his +imagination accumulated horror on horror; and when the blaze sank, and +but the bright red of the fire was reflected, it seemed to him to burn, +as it were, with a spot of blood, and he could support the scene no +longer, but rushed from the barn in a state of mind bordering on frenzy. + +It was about an hour afterwards, near midnight, that the old barn was in +flames; most likely some of the straw near the fire, in the confusion +of the breaking up of the party, had been scattered within range of +ignition, and caused the accident. The flames were seen for miles round +the country, and the shattered walls of the ruined mansion-house were +illuminated brightly by the glare of the consuming barn, which in the +morning added its own blackened and reeking ruin to the desolation, +and crowds of persons congregated to the spot for many days after. The +charred planks of the coffin were dragged from amongst the ruin; and +as the roof in falling in had dragged a large portion of the wall +along with it, the stones which had filled the coffin could not be +distinguished from those of the fallen building, therefore much wonder +arose that no vestige of the bones of the corpse it was supposed to +contain should be discovered. Wonder increased to horror as the strange +fact was promulgated, and in the ready credulity of a superstitious +people, the terrible belief became general, that his sable majesty had +made off with O'Grady and the party watching him; for as the Dublin +bailiffs never stopped till they got back to town, and were never seen +again in the country, it was most natural to suppose that the devil had +made a haul of _them_ at the same time. In a few days rumour added the +spectral appearance of Jim Barlow to the tale, which only deepened +its mysterious horror; and though, after some time, the true story was +promulgated by those who knew the real state of the case, yet the truth +never gained ground, and was considered but a clever sham, attempted by +the family to prevent so dreadful a story from attaching to their house; +and tradition perpetuates to this hour the belief that _the devil flew +away with O'Grady._ + +Lone and shunned as the hill was where the ruined house stood, it became +more lone and shunned than ever, and the boldest heart in the whole +country-side would quail to be in its vicinity, even in the day-time. To +such a pitch the panic rose, that an extensive farm which encircled +it, and belonged to the old usurer who made the seizure, fell into a +profitless state from the impossibility of men being found to work upon +it. It was useless even as pasture, for no one could be found to herd +cattle upon it; altogether it was a serious loss to the money-grubber; +and so far the incident of the burnt barn, and the tradition it gave +rise to, acted beneficially in making the inhuman act of warring with +the dead recoil upon the merciless old usurer. + + + + +CHAPTER XXXVIII + + +We left Andy in what may be called a delicate situation, and though +Andy's perceptions of the refined were not very acute, he himself began +to wonder how he should get out of the dilemma into which circumstances +had thrown him; and even to his dull comprehension various terminations +to his adventure suggested themselves, till he became quite confused in +the chaos which his own thoughts created. One good idea, however, Andy +contrived to lay hold of out of the bundle which perplexed him; he felt +that to gain time would be an advantage, and if evil must come of his +adventure, the longer he could keep it off the better; so he kept up his +affectation of timidity, and put in his sobs and lamentations, like so +many commas and colons, as it were, to prevent Bridget from arriving at +her climax of going to bed. + +Bridget insisted bed was the finest thing in the world for a young woman +in distress of mind. + +Andy protested he never could get a wink of sleep when his mind was +uneasy. Bridget promised the most sisterly tenderness. + +Andy answered by a lament for his mother. + +"Come to bed, I tell you," said Bridget. + +"Are the sheets aired?" sobbed Andy. + +"What!" exclaimed Bridget, in amazement. + +"If you are not sure of the sheets bein' aired," said Andy, "I'd be +afeard of catchin' cowld." + +"Sheets, indeed!" said Bridget; "'faith, it's a dainty lady you are, if +you can't sleep without sheets." + +"What!" returned Andy, "no sheets?" + +"Divil a sheet." + +"Oh, mother, mother!" exclaimed Andy, "what would you say to your +innocent child being tuk away to a place where there was no sheets?" + +"Well, I never heerd the like!" says Bridget. + +"Oh, the villains! to bring me where I wouldn't have a bit o' clane +linen to lie in!" + +"Sure, there's blankets, I tell you." + +"Oh, don't talk to me!" roared Andy; "sure, you know, sheets is only +dacent." + +"Bother, girl! Isn't a snug woolly blanket a fine thing?" + +"Oh, don't brake my heart that-a-way!" sobbed Andy; "sure, there's wool +on any dirty sheep's back, but linen is dacency! Oh, mother, mother, if +you thought your poor girl was without a sheet this night!" + +And so Andy went on, spinning his bit of "linen manufacture" as long as +he could, and raising Bridget's wonder that, instead of the lament which +abducted ladies generally raise about their "vartue," this young woman's +principal complaint arose on the scarcity of flax. Bridget appealed +to common sense if blankets were not good enough in these bad times; +insisting, moreover, that, as "love was warmer than friendship, so wool +was warmer than flax," the beauty of which parallel case nevertheless +failed to reconcile the disconsolate abducted. Now Andy had pushed his +plea of the want of linen as far as he thought it would go, and when +Bridget returned to the charge, and reiterated the oft-repeated "Come +to bed, I tell you!" Andy had recourse to twiddling about his toes, and +chattering his teeth, and exclaimed in a tremulous voice, "Oh, I've a +thrimblin' all over me!" + +"Loosen the sthrings o' you, then," said Bridget, about to suit +the action to the word. "Ow! ow!" cried Andy, "don't touch me--I'm +ticklish." + +"Then open the throat o' your gown yourself, dear," said Bridget. + +"I've a cowld on my chest, and darn't," said Andy; "but I think a dhrop +of hot punch would do me good if I had it." + +"And plenty of it," said Bridget, "if that'll plaze you." She rose as +she spoke, and set about getting "the materials" for making punch. + +Andy hoped, by means of this last idea, to drink Bridget into a state of +unconsciousness, and then make his escape; but he had no notion, until +he tried, what a capacity the gentle Bridget had for carrying tumblers +of punch steadily; he proceeded as cunningly as possible, and, on the +score of "the thrimblin' over him," repeated the doses of punch, which, +nevertheless, he protested he couldn't touch, unless Bridget kept him in +countenance, glass for glass; and Bridget--genial soul--was no way both; +for living in a still, and among smugglers, as she did, it was not +a trifle of stingo could bring her to a halt. Andy, even with the +advantage of the stronger organisation of a man, found this mountain +lass nearly a match for him, and before the potations operated as +he hoped upon her, his own senses began to feel the influence of the +liquor, and his caution became considerably undermined. + +Still, however, he resisted the repeated offers of the couch proposed to +him, declaring he would sleep in his clothes, and leave to Bridget the +full possession of her lair. + +The fire began to burn low, and Andy thought he might facilitate his +escape by counterfeiting sleep; so feigning slumber as well as he could, +he seemed to sink into insensibility, and Bridget unrobed herself and +retired behind a rough screen. + +It was by a great effort that Andy kept himself awake, for his +potations, added to his nocturnal excursion, tended towards somnolency; +but the desire of escape, and fear of a discovery and its consequences, +prevailed over the ordinary tendency of nature, and he remained awake, +watching every sound. The silence at last became painful--so still was +it, that he could hear the small crumbling sound of the dying embers +as they decomposed and shifted their position on the hearth, and yet he +could not be satisfied from the breathing of the woman that she slept. +After the lapse of half an hour, however, he ventured to make some +movement. He had well observed the quarter in which the outlet from the +cave lay, and there was still a faint glimmer from the fire to assist +him in crawling towards the trap. It was a relief when, after some +minutes of cautious creeping, he felt the fresh air breathing from +above, and a moment or two more brought him in contact with the ladder. +With the stealth of a cat he began to climb the rungs--he could hear the +men snoring on the outside of the cave: step by step as he arose he +felt his heart beat faster at the thought of escape, and became more +cautious. At length his head emerged from the cave, and he saw the men +lying about its mouth; they lay close around it--he must step over them +to escape--the chance is fearful, but he determines to attempt it--he +ascends still higher--his foot is on the last rung of the ladder--the +next step puts him on the heather--when he feels a hand lay hold of him +from below! + +His heart died within him at the touch, and he could not resist an +exclamation. + +"Who's that?" exclaimed one of the men outside. Andy crouched. + +"Come down," said the voice softly from below; "if Jack sees you, it +will be worse for you." + +It was the voice of Bridget, and Andy felt it was better to be with +her than exposed to the savagery of Shan More and his myrmidons; so he +descended quietly, and gave himself up to the tight hold of Bridget, +who, with many asseverations that "out of her arms she would not let the +prisoner go till morning," led him back to the cave. + + + + +CHAPTER XXXIX + + + "Great wit to madness nearly is allied, + And thin partitions do the bounds divide." + +So sings the poet; but whether the wit be great or little, the "thin +partition" separating madness from sanity is equally mysterious. It is +true that the excitability attendant upon genius approximates so closely +to madness, that it is sometimes difficult to distinguish between them; +but, without the attendant "genius" to hold up the train of madness, +and call for our special permission and respect in any of its fantastic +excursions, the most ordinary crack-brain sometimes chooses to sport in +the regions of sanity, and, without the license which genius is supposed +to dispense to her children, poach over the preserves of common sense. +This is a well-known fact, and would not be reiterated here, but that +the circumstances about to be recorded hereafter might seem unworthy +of belief; and as the veracity of our history we would not have for one +moment questioned, we have ventured to jog the memory of our readers as +to the close neighbourhood of madness and common sense, before we record +a curious instance of intermitting madness in the old dowager O'Grady. + +Her son's death had, by the violence of the shock, dragged her from the +region of fiction in which she habitually existed; but after the funeral +she relapsed into all her strange aberration, and her bird-clock and her +chimney-pot head-dress were once more in requisition. + +The old lady had her usual attendance from her granddaughter, and the +customary offering of flowers was rendered, but they were not so cared +for as before, and Charlotte was dismissed sooner than usual from her +morning's attendance, and a new favourite received in her place. And +"of all the birds in the air," who should this favourite be but Master +Ratty. Yes!--Ratty--the caricaturist of his grandmamma, was, "for the +nonce," her closeted companion. Many a guess was given as to "what in +the world" grandmamma _could_ want with Ratty; but the secret was kept +between them, for this reason, that the old lady kept _the reward she +promised_ Ratty for preserving it in her own hands, until the duty she +required on his part should be accomplished, and the shilling a day to +which Ratty looked forward kept him faithful. + +Now the duty Master Ratty had to perform was instructing his grandmamma +how to handle a pistol; the bringing up quick to the mark, and levelling +by "the sight," was explained; but a difficulty arose in the old lady's +shutting her left eye, which Ratty declared to be indispensable, and +for some time Ratty was obliged to stand on a chair and cover his +grandmamma's eye with his hand while she took aim; this was found +inconvenient, however, and the old lady substituted a black silk shade +to obfuscate her sinister luminary in her exercises, which now advanced +to snapping the lock, and knocking sparks from the flint, which made the +old lady wink with her right eye. When this second habit was overcome, +the "dry" practice, that is, without powder, was given up; and a +"flash in the pan" was ventured upon, but this made her shut both eyes +together, and it was some time before she could prevail on herself to +hold her eye fixed on her mark, and pull the trigger. This, however, at +last was accomplished, and when she had conquered the fear of seeing the +flash, she adopted the plan of standing before a handsome old-fashioned +looking-glass which reached from the ceiling to the floor, and levelling +the pistol at her own reflection within it, as if she were engaged in +mortal combat; and every time she snapped and burned priming she +would exclaim, "I hit him that time!--I know I can kill him--_tremble, +villain_!" + +As long as this pistol practice had the charm of novelty for Ratty, +it was all very well; but when, day by day, the strange mistakes and +nervousness of his grandmamma became less piquant from repetition, it +was not such good fun; and when the rantipole boy, after as much time +as he wished to devote to the old woman's caprice, endeavoured to +emancipate himself and was countermanded, an outburst of _"Oh, bother!"_ +would take place, till the grandmother called up the prospective +shillings to his view, and Ratty bowed before the altar of Mammon. But +even Mammon failed to keep Ratty loyal; for that heathen god, Momus, +claimed a superior allegiance; Ratty worshipped the "cap and bells" as +the true crown, and "the bauble" as the sovereign sceptre. Besides, the +secret became troublesome to him, and he determined to let the whole +house know what "gran" and he were about, in a way of his own. + +The young imp, in the next day's practice, worked up the grandmamma to a +state of great excitement, urging her to take a cool and determined aim +at the looking-glass. "Cover him well, gran," said Ratty. + +"I will," said the dowager, resolutely. + +"You ought to be able to hit him at six paces." + +"I stand at twelve paces." + +"No--you are only six from the looking-glass." + +"But the reflection, child, in the mirror, doubles the distance." + +"Bother!" said Ratty. "Here, take the pistol--mind your eye and don't +wink." + +"Ratty, you are singularly obtuse to the charms of science." + +"What's science?" said Ratty. + +"Science, child, is knowledge of a lofty and abstruse nature, developing +itself in wonderful inventions--gunpowder, for instance, is made by +science." + +"Indeed it is not," said Ratty; "I never saw his name on a canister. +Pigou, Andrew, and Wilks, or Mister Dartford Mills, are the men for +gunpowder. You know nothing about it, gran." + +"Ratty, you are disrespectful, and will not listen to instruction. I +knew Kirwan--the great Kirwan, the chemist, who always wore his hat--" + +"Then he knew chemistry better than manners." + +"Ratty, you are very troublesome. I desire you listen, sir. Kirwan, sir, +told me all about science, and the Dublin Society have his picture, with +a bottle in his hand--" + +"Then he was fond of drink," said Ratty. + +"Ratty, don't be pert. To come back to what I was originally saying--I +repeat, sir, I am at twelve paces from my object, six from the mirror, +which, doubled by reflection, makes twelve; such is the law of optics. I +suppose you know what optics are?" + +"To be sure I do." + +"Tell me, then." + +"Our eyes," said Ratty. + +"Eyes!" exclaimed the old lady, in amaze. + +"To be sure," answered Ratty, boldly. "Didn't I hear the old blind man +at the fair asking charity 'for the loss of his blessed optics'?" + +"Oh, what lamentable ignorance, my child!" exclaimed the old lady. "Your +tutor ought to be ashamed of himself." + +"So he is," said Ratty. "He hasn't had a pair of new breeches for the +last seven years, and he hides himself whenever he sees mamma or the +girls." + +"Oh, you ignorant child! Indeed, Ratty, my love, you must study. I will +give you the renowned Kirwan's book. Charlotte tore some of it for curl +papers; but there's enough left to enlighten you with the sun's rays, +and reflection and refraction--" + +"I know what _that_ is," said Ratty. + +"What?" + +"Refraction." + +"And what is it, dear?" + +"Bad behaviour," said Ratty. + +"Oh, Heavens!" exclaimed his grandmother. + +"Yes, it is," said Ratty, stoutly; "the tutor says I'm refractory when I +behave ill; and he knows Latin better than you." + +"Ratty, Ratty! you are hopeless!" exclaimed his grandmamma. + +"No, I am not," said Ratty. "I'm always _hoping_. And I hope Uncle +Robert will break his neck some day, and leave us his money." + +The old woman turned up her eyes, and exclaimed, "You wicked boy!" + +"Fudge!" said Ratty; "he's an old shaver, and we want it; and indeed, +gran, you ought to give me ten shillings for ten days' teaching, now; +and there's a fair next week, and I want to buy things." + +"Ratty, I told you when you made me perfect in the use of my weapon I +would pay you. My promise is sacred, and I will observe it with that +scrupulous honour which has ever been the characteristic of the family; +as soon as I hit something, and satisfy myself of my mastery over the +weapon, the money shall be yours, but not till then." + +"Oh, very well," said Ratty; "go on then. _Ready_--don't bring up your +arm that way, like the handle of a pump, but raise it nice from the +elbow--that's it. _Ready--fire!_ Ah! there you blink your eye, and drop +the point of your pistol--try another. _Ready--fire!_ That's better. Now +steady the next time." + +[Illustration: A Crack Shot] + +The young villain then put a charge of powder and ball into the pistol +he handed his grandmother, who took steady aim at her reflection in the +mirror, and at the words, _"Ready--fire!"_ bang went the pistol--the +magnificent glass was smashed--the unexpected recoil of the weapon made +it drop from the hand of the dowager, who screamed with astonishment at +the report and the shock, and did not see for a moment the mischief she +had done; but when the shattered mirror caught her eyes, she made a rush +at Ratty, who was screeching with laughter in the far corner of the room +where he ran to when he had achieved his trick, and he was so helpless +from the excess of his cachinnation, that the old lady cuffed him +without his being able to defend himself. At last he contrived to get +out of her clutches and jammed her against the wall with a table so +tightly, that she roared "Murder!" The report of the pistol ringing +through the house brought all its inmates to the spot; and there +the cries of murder from the old lady led them to suppose some awful +tragedy, instead of a comedy, was enacting inside; the door was locked, +too, which increased the alarm, and was forced in the moment of terror +from the outside. When the crowd rushed in, Master Ratty rushed out, and +left the astonished family to gather up the bits of the story, as well +as they could, from the broken looking-glass and the cracked dowager. + + + + +CHAPTER XL + + +Though it is clear the serious events in the O'Grady family had not +altered Master Ratty's propensities in the least, the case was far +different with Gustavus. In that one night of suffering which _he_ had +passed, the gulf was leaped that divides the boy from the man; and the +extra frivolity and carelessness which clung from boyhood up to the age +of fifteen was at once, by the sudden disrupture produced by events, +thrown off, and as singular a ripening into manhood commenced. + +Gustavus was of a generous nature; and even his faults belonged less +to his organisation than to the devil-may-care sort of education he +received, if education it might be called. Upon his generosity the +conduct of Edward O'Connor beside the grave of the boy's father had +worked strongly; and though Gustavus could not give his hand beside the +grave to the man with whom his father had engaged in deadly quarrel, yet +he quite exonerated Edward from any blame; and when, after a night more +sleepless than Gustavus had ever known, he rose early on the ensuing +morning, he determined to ride over to Edward O'Connor's house to +breakfast, and commence that friendship which Edward had so solemnly +promised to him, and with which the boy was pleased; for Gustavus was +quite aware in what estimation Edward was held; and though the relative +circumstances in which he and the late Squire stood prevented the boy +from "caring a fig" for him, as he often said himself, yet he was +not beyond the influence of that thing called "reputation," which so +powerfully attaches to and elevates the man who wins it; and the price +at which Edward was held in the country influenced opinion even in +Neck-or-Nothing Hall, albeit though "against the grain." Gustavus had +sometimes heard, from the lips of the idle and ignorant, Edward sneered +at for being "cruel wise," and "too much of a schoolmaster," and fit for +nothing but books or a boudoir, and called a "piano man," with all the +rest of the hackneyed dirt which jealous inferiority loves to fling at +the heights it cannot occupy; for though--as it has been said--Edward, +from his manly and sensible bearing, had escaped such sneers better than +most men, still some few there were to whom his merit was offensive. +Gustavus, however, though he sometimes heard such things, saw with his +own eyes that Edward could back a horse with any man in the country--was +always foremost in the chace--could bring down as many brace of birds as +most men in a day--had saved one or two persons from drowning; and if he +did all these things as well as other men, Gustavus (though hitherto too +idle to learn much himself) did not see why a man should be sneered +at for being an accomplished scholar as well. Therefore he had good +foundation for being pleased at the proffered friendship of such a man, +and remembering the poignancy of Edward's anguish on the foregoing eve, +Gustavus generously resolved to see him at once and offer him the +hand which a nice sense of feeling made him withhold the night before. +Mounting his pony, an hour's smart riding brought him to Mount Eskar, +for such was the name of Mr. O'Connor's residence. + +It was breakfast-time when Gustavus arrived, but Edward had not yet left +his room, and the servant went to call him. It need scarcely be said +that Edward had passed a wretched night; reaching home, as he did, weary +in mind and body, and with feelings and imagination both overwrought, it +was long before he could sleep; and even then his slumber was disturbed +by harassing visions and frightful images. Spectral shapes and things +unimaginable to the waking senses danced and crawled and hissed about +him. The torch flared above the grave, and that horrid coffin, with the +name of the dead O'Grady upon it, "murdered sleep." It was dawn before +anything like refreshing slumber touched his feverish eyelids, and he +had not enjoyed more than a couple of hours of what might be called +sleep, when the servant called him; and then, after the brief oblivion +he had obtained, one may fancy how he started when the first words he +heard on waking were, "Mister O'Grady is below, sir." + +Edward started up from his bed and stared wildly on the man, as he +exclaimed, with a look of alarm, "O'Grady! For God's sake, you don't say +O'Grady?" + +"'Tis Master Gustavus, sir," said the man, wondering at the wildness of +Edward's manner. + +"Oh, the boy!--ay, ay, the boy!" repeated Edward, drawing his hands +across his eyes and recovering his self-possession. "Say I will be down +presently." + +The man retired, and Edward lay down again for some minutes to calm the +heavy beating of his heart which the sudden mention of that name had +produced; that name so linked with the mental agony of the past night; +that name which had conjured up a waking horror of such might as to +shake the sway of reason for a time, and which afterwards pursued its +reign of terror through his sleep. After such a night, fancy poor Edward +doomed to hear the name of O'Grady again the first thing in the morning, +and we cannot wonder that he was startled. + +A few minutes, however, served to restore his self-possession; and he +arose, made his toilet in haste, and descended to the breakfast-parlour, +where he was met by Gustavus with an open hand, which Edward clasped +with fervour and held for some time as he looked on the handsome face +of the boy, and saw in its frank expression all that his heart could +desire. They spoke not a word, but they understood one another; and that +moment commenced an attachment which increased with increasing intimacy, +and became one of those steadfast friendships which are seldom met with. + +After breakfast Edward brought Gustavus to his "den," as he called a +room which was appropriated to his own particular use, occupied with +books and a small collection of national relics. Some long ranges of +that peculiar calf binding, with its red label, declared at once the +contents to be law and by the dry formal cut of the exterior gave little +invitation to reading. The very outside of a law library is repulsive; +the continuity of that eternal buff leather gives one a surfeit by +anticipation, and makes one mentally exclaim in despair, "Heavens! how +can any one hope to get all that into his head?" The only plain honest +thing about law is the outside of the books where it is laid down--there +all is simple; inside all is complex. The interlacing lines of the +binder's patterns find no place on the covers; but intricacies abound +inside, where any line is easier found than a straight one. Nor gold +leaf nor tool is employed without, but within how many fallacies are +enveloped in glozing words; the gold leaf has its representative in +"legal fiction;" and as for "_tooling_" there's plenty of that! + +Other books, also, bore external evidence of the nature of their +contents. Some old parchment covers indicated the lore of past ages; +amidst these the brightest names of Greece and Rome were to be found, +as well as those who have adorned our own literature, and implied +a cultivated taste on the part of the owner. But one portion of the +library was particularly well stored. The works bearing on Irish history +were numerous, and this might well account for the ardour of Edward's +feelings in the cause of his country; for it is as impossible that a +river should run backwards to its source, as that any Irishman of a +generous nature can become acquainted with the real history of his +country, and not feel that she has been an ill-used and neglected land, +and not struggle in the cause of her being righted. Much _has_ been done +in the cause since the days of which this story treats, and Edward was +amongst those who helped to achieve it; but much has still to be done, +and there is glorious work in store for present and future Edward +O'Connors. + +Along with the books which spoke the cause of Ireland, the mute +evidences, also, of her former glory and civilisation were scattered +through the room. Various ornaments of elegant form, and wrought in the +purest gold, were tastefully arranged over the mantel-piece; some, from +their form, indicating their use, and others only affording matter of +ingenious speculation to the antiquary, but all bearing evidence of +early civilisation. The frontlet of gold indicated noble estate, and +the long and tapering bodkin of the same metal, with its richly enchased +knob or pendent crescent, implied the robe it once fastened could have +been of no mean texture, and the wearer of no mean rank. Weapons were +there, too, of elegant form and exquisite workmanship, wrought in that +ancient bronze, of such wondrous temper that it carries effective edge +and point. The sword was of exact Phoenician mould; the double-eyed +spear-head, formed at once for strength and lightness, might have served +as the model for a sculptor in arming the hand of Minerva. Could these +be the work of an uncultivated people? Impossible! The harp, too, was +there, that unfailing mark of polish and social elegance. The bard and +barbarism could never be coeval. But a relic was there, exciting still +deeper interest--an ancient crosier, of curious workmanship, wrought +in the precious metals and partly studded with jewels; but few of the +latter remained, though the empty collets showed it had once been costly +in such ornaments. Could this be seen without remembering that the light +of Christianity first dawned over the western isles _in Ireland?_ that +_there_ the Gospel was first preached, _there_ the work of salvation +begun? + +There be cold hearts to which these touching recollections do not +pertain, and they heed them not; and some there are, who, with a +callousness which shocks sensibility, have the ignorant effrontery to +ask, "Of what use are such recollections?" With such frigid utilitarians +it would be vain to argue; but this question, at least, may be put in +return:--Why should the ancient glories of Greece and Rome form a large +portion of the academic studies of our youth?--why should the evidences +of _their_ arts and _their_ arms be held precious in museums, and +similar evidences of ancient cultivation be despised because they +pertain to another nation? Is it because they are Irish they are held +in contempt? Alas! in many cases it is so--ay, and even (shame to say) +within her own shores. But never may that day arrive when Ireland shall +be without enough of true and fond hearts to cherish the memory of +her ancient glories, to give to her future sons the evidences of her +earliest western civilisation, proving that their forefathers were not +(as those say who wronged and therefore would malign them) a rabble +of rude barbarians, but that brave kings, and proud princes, and wise +lawgivers, and just judges, and gallant chiefs, and chaste and lovely +women were among them, and that inspired bards were there to perpetuate +such memories! + +Gustavus had never before seen a crosier, and asked what it was. On +being informed of its name, he then said, "But what _is_ a crosier?" + +"A bishop's pastoral staff," said Edward. + +"And why have you a bishop's staff, and swords, and spears, hung up +together?" + +"That is not inappropriate," said Edward. "Unfortunately, the sword and +the crosier have been frequently but too intimate companions. Preaching +the word of peace has been too often the pretext for war. The Spaniards, +for instance, in the name of the gospel, committed the most fearful +atrocities." + +"Oh, I know," said Gustavus, "that was in the time of bloody Mary and +the Armada." + +Edward wondered at the boy's ignorance, and saw in an instant the source +of his false application of his allusion to the Spaniards. Gustavus had +been taught to vaguely couple the name of "bloody Mary" with everything +bad, and that of "good Queen Bess" with all that was glorious; and the +word "Spanish," in poor Gusty's head, had been hitherto connected with +two ideas, namely, "liquorice" and the "Armada." + +Edward, without wounding the sensitive shame of ignorant youth, gently +set him right, and made him aware he had alluded to the conduct of the +Spaniards in America under Cortes and Pizarro. + +For the first time in his life Gustavus was aware that Pizarro was a +real character. He had heard his grandmamma speak of a play of that +name, and how great Mr. Kemble was in Rollo, and how he saved a child; +but as to its belonging to history, it was a new light--the utmost Gusty +knew about America being that it was discovered by Columbus. + +"But the crosier," said Edward, "is amongst the most interesting of +Irish antiquities, and especially belongs to an Irish collection, when +you remember the earliest preaching of Christianity in the western isles +was in Ireland." + +"I did only know that," said the boy. + +"Then you don't know why the shamrock is our national emblem?" + +"No," said Gustavus, "though I take care to mount one in my hat every +Patrick's day." + +"Well," said Edward, anxious to give Gustavus credit for _any_ knowledge +he possessed, "you know at least it is connected with the memory of St. +Patrick, though you don't know why. I will tell you. When St. Patrick +first preached the Christian faith in Ireland, before a powerful chief +and his people, when he spoke of one God, and of the Trinity, the chief +asked how one could be in three. St. Patrick, instead of attempting a +theological definition of the faith, thought a simple image would best +serve to enlighten a simple people, and stooping to the earth he plucked +from the green sod a shamrock, and holding up the trefoil before them +he bade them there behold one in three. The chief, struck by the +illustration, asked at once to be baptised, and all his sept followed +his example." + +"I never heard that before," said Gusty. "'T is very beautiful." + +"I will tell you something else connected with it," said Edward. + +"After baptising the chief, St. Patrick made an eloquent exhortation +to the assembled multitude, and in the course of his address, while +enforcing his urgent appeal with appropriate gesture, as the hand which +held his crosier, after being raised towards heaven, descended again +towards the earth, the point of his staff, armed with metal, was +driven through the foot of the chief, who, fancying it was part of the +ceremony, and but a necessary testing of the firmness of his faith, +never winced." + +"He was a fine fellow," said Gusty. "And is that the crosier?" he added, +alluding to the one in Edward's collection, and manifestly excited by +what he had heard. + +"No," said Edward, "but one of early date, and belonging to some of the +first preachers of the gospel amongst us." + +"And have you other things here with such beautiful stories belonging to +them?" inquired Gusty, eager for more of that romantic lore which youth +loves so passionately. + +"Not that I know of," answered Edward "but if these objects here had +only tongues, if every sword, and belt, and spear-head, and golden +bodkin, and other trinket could speak, no doubt we should hear stirring +stories of gallant warriors and their ladye-loves." + +"Aye, that would be something to hear!" exclaimed Gusty. + +"Well," said Edward, "you may have many _such_ stories by reading the +history of your country; which if you have not read, I can lend you +books enough." + +"Oh, thank you," said Gusty; "I should like it so much." + +Edward approached the book-shelf and selected a volume he thought the +most likely to interest so little practised a reader; and when he turned +round he saw Gusty poising in his hand an antique Irish sword of bronze. + +"Do you know what that is?" inquired Edward. + +"I can't tell you the name of it," answered Gusty, "but I suppose it was +_something to stick a fellow_." + +Edward smiled at the characteristic reply, and told him it was an +antique Irish sword. + +"A sword?" he exclaimed. "Isn't it short for a sword?" + +"All the swords of that day were short." + +"When was that?" inquired the boy. + +"Somewhere about two thousand years ago." + +"Two thousand years," exclaimed Gusty, in surprise. "How is it possible +you can tell this is two thousand years old?" + +"Because it is made of the same metal and of the same shape as the +swords found at Cannae, where the Carthaginians fought the Romans." + +"I know the Roman history," said Gusty, eager to display his little bit +of knowledge; "I know the Roman history. Romulus and Remus were educated +by a wolf." Edward could not resist a smile, which he soon suppressed, +and continued:--"Such works as you now hold in your hand are found _in +quantities_ in Ireland, and seldom anywhere else in Europe, except in +Italy, particularly at Cannae, where some thousands of Carthaginians +fell; and when we find the sword of the same make and metal in places +so remote, it establishes a strong connecting link between the people of +Carthage and of Ireland, and at once shows their date." + +"How curious that is!" exclaimed Gusty; "and how odd I never heard it +before! Are there many such curious things you know?" + +"Many," said Edward. + +"I wonder how people can find out such odd things," said the boy. + +"My dear boy," said Edward, "after getting a certain amount of +knowledge, other knowledge comes very fast; it gathers like a +snowball--or perhaps it would be better to illustrate the fact by a +milldam. You know, when the water is low in the milldam, the miller +cannot drive his wheel; but the moment the water comes up to a certain +level it has force to work the mill. And so it is with knowledge; when +once you get it up to a certain level, you can 'work your mill,' with +this great advantage over the milldam, that the stream of knowledge, +once reaching the working level, never runs dry." + +"Oh, I wish I knew as much as you do," exclaimed Gusty. + +"And so you can if you wish it," said Edward. + +Gusty sighed heavily, and admitted he had been very idle. Edward told +him he had plenty of time before him to repair the damage. + +A conversation then ensued, perfectly frank on the part of the boy, +and kind on Edward's side to all his deficiencies, which he found to +be lamentable, as far as learning went. He had some small smattering of +Latin; but Gustavus vowed steady attention to his tutor and his studies +for the future. Edward, knowing what a miserable scholar the tutor +himself was, offered to put Gustavus through his Latin and Greek +himself. Gustavus accepted the offer with gratitude, and rode over +every day to Mount Eskar for his lesson; and, under the intelligent +explanations of Edward, the difficulties which had hitherto discouraged +him disappeared, and it was surprising what progress he made. At the +same time he devoured Irish history, and became rapidly tinctured with +that enthusiastic love of all that belonged to his country which he +found in his teacher; and Edward soon hailed, in the ardent neophyte, +a noble and intelligent spirit redeemed from ignorance and rendered +capable of higher enjoyments than those to be derived merely from +field sports. Edward, however, did not confine his instructions to +book-learning only; there is much to be learned by living with the +educated, whose current conversation alone is instructive; and Edward +had Gustavus with him as constantly as he could; and after some time, +when the frequency of Gusty's visits to Mount Eskar ceased to excite any +wonder at home, he sometimes spent several days together with Edward, to +whom he became continually more and more attached. Edward showed great +judgment in making his training attractive to his pupil: he did not +attend merely to his head; he thought of other things as well; joined +him in the sports and exercises he knew, and taught him those in which +he was uninstructed. Fencing, for instance, was one of these; Edward was +a tolerable master of his foil, and in a few months Gustavus, under his +tuition, could parry a thrust and make no bad attempt at a hit himself. +His improvement in every way was so remarkable, that it was noticed by +all, and its cause did not long remain secret; and when it _was_ known, +Edward O'Connor's character stood higher than ever, and the whole +country said it was a lucky day for Gusty O'Grady that he found such +a friend. As the limits of our story would not permit the intercourse +between Edward and Gustavus to be treated in detail, this general sketch +of it has been given; and in stating its consequences so far, a peep +into the future has been granted by the author, with a benevolence +seldom belonging to his ill-natured and crafty tribe, who endeavour to +hoodwink their docile followers as much as possible, and keep them in +a state of ignorance as to coming events. But now, having been so +indulgent, we must beg to lay hold of the skirts of our readers and pull +them back again down the ladder into the private still, where Bridget +pulled back Andy very much after the same fashion, and the results of +which we must treat of in our next chapter. + + + + +CHAPTER XLI + + +When Bridget dragged Andy back and insisted on his going to bed-- + +No--I will not be too good natured and tell my story in that way; +besides, it would be a very difficult matter to tell it; and why should +an author, merely to oblige people, get himself involved in a labyrinth +of difficulties, and rack his unfortunate brain to pick and choose words +properly to tell his story, yet at the same time to lead his readers +through the mazes of this very ticklish adventure, without a single +thorn scratching their delicate feelings, or as much as making the +smallest rent in the white muslin robe of propriety? So, not to run +unnecessary risks, the story must go on another way. + +When Shan More and the rest of the "big blackguards" began to wake, the +morning after the abduction, and gave a turn or two under their heather +coverlid, and rubbed their eyes as the sun peeped through the "curtains +of the east"--for these were the only bed-curtains Shan More and his +companions ever had--they stretched themselves and yawned, and felt +very thirsty, for they had all been blind drunk the night before, be it +remembered; and Shan More, to use his own expressive and poetic +imagery, swore that his tongue was "as rough as a rat's back," while +his companions went no further than saying theirs were as "dry as a +lime-burner's wig." We should not be so particular in those minute +details but for that desire of truth which has guided us all through +this veracious history and as in this scene, in particular, we feel +ourselves sure to be held seriously responsible for every word, we are +determined to be accurate to a nicety, and set down every syllable with +stenographic strictness. + +"Where's the girl?" cried Shan, not yet sober. + +"She's asleep with your sisther," was the answer. + +"Down-stairs?" inquired Shan. + +"Yes," said the other, who now knew that Big Jack was more drunk than he +at first thought him, by his using the words _stairs_; for Jack when he +was drunk was very grand, and called _down the ladder_ "down-_stairs_." + +"Get me a drink o' wather," said Jack, "for I'm thundherin' thirsty, and +can't deludher that girl with soft words till I wet my mouth." + +His attendant vagabond obeyed the order, and a large pitcher full of +water was handed to the master, who heaved it upwards to his head and +drank as audibly and nearly as much as a horse. Then holding his hands +to receive the remaining contents of the pitcher, which his followers +poured into his monstrous palms, he soused his face, which he afterwards +wiped in a wisp of grass--the only towel of Jack's which was not then at +the wash. + +Having thus made his toilet, Big Jack went downstairs, and as soon as +his great bull-head had disappeared beneath the trap, one of the men +above said, "We'll have a _shilloe_ soon, boys." + +And sure enough they did before long hear an extraordinary row. Jack +first roared for Bridget, and no answer was returned; the call was +repeated with as little effect, and at last a most tremendous roar was +heard above, but not from a female voice. Jack was heard below, swearing +like a trooper, and, in a minute or two, back he rushed "_up-stairs_" +and began cursing his myrmidons most awfully, and foaming at the mouth +with rage. + +"What's the matther?" cried the men. + +"Matther!" roared Jack; "oh, you 'tarnal villains! You're a purty set to +carry off a girl for a man--a purty job you've made of it!" + +"Arrah, didn't we bring her to you?" + +"_Her_, indeed--bring _her_--much good what you brought is to me!" + +"Tare an' ouns! what's the matther at all? We dunna what you mane!" +shouted the men, returning rage for rage. + +"Come down, and you'll see what's the matther," said Jack, descending +the ladder; and the men hastened after him. + +He led the way to the further end of the cabin, where a small glimmering +of light was permitted to enter from the top, and lifting a tattered +piece of canvas, which served as a screen to the bed, he exclaimed, with +a curse, "Look there, you blackguards!" + +The men gave a shout of surprise, for--what do you think they saw?--An +empty bed! + + + + +CHAPTER XLII + + +It may be remembered that, on Father Phil's recommendation, Andy was +to be removed out of the country to place him beyond the reach of Larry +Hogan's machinations, and that the proposed journey to London afforded a +good opportunity of taking him out of the way. Andy had been desired +by Squire Egan to repair to Merryvale; but as some days had elapsed and +Andy had not made his appearance, the alarms of the Squire that Andy +might be tampered with began to revive, and Dick Dawson was therefore +requested to call at the Widow Rooney's cabin as he was returning from +the town, where some business with Murphy, about the petition against +Scatterbrain's return, demanded his presence. + +Dick, as it happened, had no need to call at the widow's, for on his way +to the town who should he see approaching but the renowned Andy himself. +On coming up to him, Dick pulled up his horse, and Andy pulled off his +hat. + +"God save your honour," said Andy. + +"Why didn't you come to Merryvale, as you were bid?" said Dick. + +"I couldn't, sir, becase--" + +"Hold your tongue, you thief; you know you never can do what you're +bid--you are always wrong one way or other." + +"You're hard on me, Misther Dick." + +"Did you ever do anything right?--I ask yourself?" + +"Indeed, sir, this time it was a rale bit o' business I had to do." + +"And well you did it, no doubt. Did you marry any one lately?" said +Dick, with a waggish grin and a wink. + +"Faix, then, maybe I did," said Andy, with a knowing nod. + +"And I hope _Matty_ is well?" said Dick. + +"Ah, Misther Dick, you're always goin' on with your jokin', so you are. +So, you heerd o' that job, did you? Faix, a purty lady she is--oh, it's +not her at all I am married to, but another woman." + +"Another woman!" exclaimed Dick, in surprise. + +"Yis, sir, another woman--a kind craythur." + +"Another woman!" reiterated Dick, laughing; "married to two women in two +days! Why you're worse than a Turk!" + +"Ah, Misther Dick!" + +"You Tarquin!" + +"Sure, sir, what harm's in it?"' + +"You Heliogabalus!!" + +"Sure, it's no fault o' mine, sir." + +"Bigamy, by this and that, flat bigamy! You'll only be hanged, as sure +as your name's Andy." + +"Sure, let me tell you how it was, sir, and you'll see I am quit of all +harm, good or bad. 'T was a pack o' blackguards, you see, come to take +off Oonah, sir." + +"Oh, a case of abduction!" + +"Yis, sir; so the women dhressed me up as a girl, and the blackguards, +instead of the seduction of Oonah, only seduced me." + +"Capital!" cried Dick; "well done, Andy! And who seduced you?" + +"Shan _More_, 'faith--no less." + +"Ho, ho! a dangerous customer to play tricks on, Andy." + +"Sure enough, 'faith, and that's partly the rayson of what happened; +but, by good luck, Big Jack was blind dhrunk when I got there, and I +shammed screechin' so well that his sisther took pity on me, and said +she'd keep me safe from harm in her own bed that night." + +Dick gave a "view hallo" when he heard this, and shouted with laughter, +delighted at the thought of Shan More, instead of carrying off a girl +for himself, introducing a gallant to his own sister. + +"Oh, now I see how you are married," said Dick; "that was the biter bit +indeed." + +"Oh, the divil a bit I'd ha' bit her only for the cross luck with +me, for I wanted to schame off out o' the place, and escape; but she +wouldn't let me, and cotch me and brought me back." + +"I should think she would, indeed," said Dick, laughing. "What next?" + +"Why I drank a power o' punch, sir, and was off my guard, you see, and +couldn't keep the saycret so well afther that, and by dad she found it +out." + +"Just what I would expect of her," said Dick. + +"Well, do you know, sir, though the thrick was agen her own brother, +she laughed at it a power, and said I was a great divil, but that she +couldn't blame me. So then I'd sthruv to coax her to let me make my +escape, but she told me to wait a bit till the men above was faster +asleep; but while I was waitin' for them to go to sleep, faix, I went to +asleep myself, I was so tired; and when Bridget, the crathur, 'woke me +in the morning, she was cryin' like a spout afther a thunder-storm, and +said her characther would be ruined when the story got abroad over the +counthry, and sure she darn't face the world if I wouldn't make her an +honest woman." + +"The brazen baggage!" said Dick; "and what did you say?" + +"Why what could any man say, sir, afther that? Sure her karacther would +be gone if--" + +"Gone," said Dick, "'faith it might have gone further before it fared +worse." + +"Arrah! what do you mane, Misther Dick?" + +"Pooh, pooh! Andy--you don't mean to say you married that one?" + +"Faix, I did," said Andy. + +"Well, Andy," said Dick, grinning, "by the powers, you _have_ done it +this time! Good morning to you!" and Dick put spurs to his horse. + + + + +CHAPTER XLIII + + +Andy, "knocked all of a heap," stood in the middle of the road, looking +after Dick as he cantered down the slope. It was seldom poor Andy was +angry--but he felt a strong sense of indignation choking him as Dick's +parting words still rung in his ears. "What does he mane?" said Andy, +talking aloud; "what does he mane?" he repeated, anxious to doubt and +therefore question the obvious construction which Dick's words bore. +"Misther Dick is fond of a joke, and maybe this is one of his making; +but if it is, 't is not a fair one, 'pon my sowl: a poor man has his +feelin's as well as a rich man. How would you like your own wife to +be spoke of that way, Misther Dick, as proud as you ride your horse +there--humph?" + +Andy, in great indignation, pursued his way towards his mother's cabin +to ask her blessing upon his marriage. On his presenting himself there, +both the old woman and Oonah were in great delight at witnessing his +safe return; Oonah particularly, for she, feeling that it was for her +sake Andy placed himself in danger, had been in a state of great anxiety +for the result of the adventure, and, on seeing him, absolutely threw +herself into his arms, and embraced him tenderly, impressing many a +hearty kiss upon his lips, between whiles that she vowed she would never +forget his generosity and courage, and ending with saying there was +_nothing_ she would not do for him. + +Now Andy was flesh and blood like other people, and as the showers of +kisses from Oonah's ripe lips fell fast upon him he was not insensible +to the embrace of so very pretty a girl--a girl, moreover, he had always +had a "sneaking kindness" for, which Oonah's distance of manner alone +had hitherto made him keep to himself; but now, when he saw her eyes +beam gratitude, and her cheek flush, after her strong demonstration of +regard, and heard her last words, so _very_ like a hint to a shy man, +it must be owned a sudden pang shot through poor Andy's heart, and he +sickened at the thought of being married, which placed the tempting +prize before him hopelessly beyond his reach. + +He looked so blank, and seemed so unable to return Oonah's fond +greeting, that she felt the pique which every pretty woman experiences +who fancies her favours disregarded, and thought Andy the stupidest lout +she ever came across. Turning up her hair, which had fallen down in the +excess of her friendship, she walked out of the cottage, and, biting her +disdainful lip, fairly cried for spite. + +In the meantime, Andy popped down on his knees before the widow, and +said, "Give me your blessing, mother!" + +"For what, you omadhawn?" said his mother, fiercely; for her woman's +nature took part with Oonah's feelings, which she quite comprehended, +and she was vexed with what she thought Andy's disgusting insensibility. +"For what should I give you my blessing?" + +"Bekase I'm marri'd, ma'am." + +"What!" exclaimed the mother. "It's not marri'd again you are? You're +jokin' sure." + +"Faix, it's no joke," said Andy, sadly, "I'm marri'd sure enough; so +give us your blessin', anyhow," cried he, still kneeling. + +"And who did you _dar'_ for to marry, sir, if I make so bowld to ax, +without _my_ lave or license?" + +"There was no time for axin', mother--'t was done in a hurry, and I +can't help it, so give us your blessing at once." + +"Tell me who is she, before I give you my blessin'?" + +"_Shan More's_ sister, ma'am." + +"What!" exclaimed the widow, staggering back some paces--"Shan More's +sisther, did you say--Bridget _rhua_ [Footnote: Red-haired Bridget.] is +it?" + +"Yis, ma'am." + +"Oh, wirrasthru!--plillelew!--millia murther!" shouted the mother, +tearing her cap off her head,--"Oh blessed Vargin, holy St. Dominick, +Pether an' Paul the 'possel, what'll I do?--Oh, patther an' ave--you +dirty _bosthoon_--blessed angels and holy marthyrs!--kneelin' there in +the middle o' the flure as if nothing happened--look down on me this +day, a poor vartuous _dissolute_ woman!--Oh, you disgrace to me and all +belonging to you,--and is it the impidence to ask my blessin' you have, +when it's a whippin' at the cart's tail you ought to get, you shameless +scapegrace?" + +She then went wringing her hands, and throwing them upwards in appeals +to Heaven, while Andy still kept kneeling in the middle of the cabin, +lost in wonder. + +The widow ran to the door and called Oonah in. + +"Who do you think that blackguard is marri'd to?" said the widow. + +"Married!" exclaimed Oonah, growing pale. + +"Ay, marri'd, and who to, do you think?--Why to Bridget _rhua_." + +Oonah screamed and clasped her hands. + +Andy got up at last, and asked what they were making such a rout about; +he wasn't the first man who married without asking his mother's leave; +and wanted to know what they had to "say agen it." + +"Oh, you barefaced scandal o' the world!" cried the widow, "to ax sitch +a question--to marry a thrampin' sthreel like that--a great red-headed +jack--" + +"She can't help her hair," said Andy. + +"I wish I could cut it off, and her head along with it, the sthrap! Oh, +blessed Vargin! to have my daughter-in-law--" + +"What?" said Andy, getting rather alarmed. + +"That all the country knows is--" + +"What?" cried Andy. + +"Not a fair nor a market-town doesn't know her as well as--Oh, wirra! +wirra!" + +"Why you don't mane to say anything agen her charackther, do you?" said +Andy. + +"Charakther, indeed!" said his mother, with a sneer. + +"By this an' that," said Andy, "if she was the child unborn she couldn't +make a greater hullabaloo about her charakther than she did the mornin' +afther." + +"Afther what?" said his mother. + +"Afther I was tuk away up to the hill beyant, and found her there, +and--but I b'lieve I didn't tell you how it happened." + +"No," said Oonah, coming forward, deadly pale, and listening anxiously, +with a look of deep pity in her soft eyes. + +Andy then related his adventure as the reader already knows it; and +when it was ended, Oonah burst into tears and in passionate exclamations +blamed herself for all that had happened, saying it was in the endeavour +to save her that Andy had lost himself. + +"Oh, Oonah! Oonah!" said Andy, with more meaning in his voice than the +girl had ever heard before, "it isn't the loss of myself I mind, but +I've lost _you_ too. Oh, if you had ever given me a tendher word or look +before this day, 't would never have happened, and that desaiver in the +hills never could have _deludhered me_. And tell me, _lanna machree_, is +my suspicions right in what I hear--tell me the worst at oncet--is she +_non compos_?" + +"Oh, I never heerd her called by that name before," sobbed Oonah, "but +she has a great many others just as bad." + +"Ow! ow! ow!" exclaimed Andy. "Now I know what Misther Dick laughed at; +well, death before dishonour--I'll go 'list for a sojer, and never live +with her!" + + + + +CHAPTER XLIV + + +It has been necessary in an earlier chapter to notice the strange freaks +madness will sometimes play. It was then the object to show how strong +affections of the mind will recall an erring judgment to its true +balance; but, the action of the counterpoise growing weaker by time, +the disease returns, and reason again kicks the beam. Such was the old +dowager's case: the death of her son recalled her to herself; but a few +days produced relapse, and she was as foolish as ever. Nevertheless, as +Polonius remarks of Hamlet, + + "There is method in his madness;" + +so in the dowager's case there was method--not of a sane intention, +as the old courtier implies of the Danish Prince, but of _in_sane +birth--begot of a chivalrous feeling on an enfeebled mind. + +To make this clearly understood it is necessary to call attention to +one other peculiarity of madness,--that, while it makes those under +its influence liable to say and enact all sorts of nonsense on some +subjects, it never impairs their powers of observation on those which +chance to come within the reach of the un-diseased portion of the mind; +and moreover, they are quite as capable of arriving at just conclusions +upon what they _so_ see and hear, as the most reasonable person, and, +perhaps, in proportion as the reasoning power is limited within a +smaller compass, so the capability of observation becomes stronger by +being concentrated. + +Such was the case with the old dowager, who, while Furlong was "doing +devotion" to Augusta, and appeared the pink of faithful swains, saw very +clearly that Furlong did not like it a bit, and would gladly be off his +bargain. Yea, while the people in their sober senses on the same plane +with the parties were taken in, the old lunatic, even from the toppling +height of her own mad chimney-pot, could look down and see that Furlong +would not marry Augusta if he could help it. + +It _was_ even so. Furlong had acted under the influence of terror when +poor Augusta, shoved into his bedroom through the devilment of that +rascally imp, Ratty, and found there, through the evil destiny of Andy, +was flung into his arms by her enraged father, and accepted as his wife. +The immediate hurry of the election had delayed the marriage--the +duel and its consequences further interrupted "the happy event"--and +O'Grady's death caused a further postponement. It was delicately hinted +to Furlong, that when matters had gone so far as to the wedding-dresses +being ready, that the sooner the contracting parties under such +circumstances were married, the better. But Furlong, with that +affectation of propriety which belongs to his time-serving +tribe, pleaded the "regard to appearances"--"so soon after the +ever-to-be-deplored event,"--and other such specious excuses, which +were but covers to his own rascality, and used but to postpone the +"wedding-day." The truth was, the moment Furlong had no longer the +terrors of O'Grady's pistol before his eyes, he had resolved never to +take so bad a match as that with Augusta appeared to be--indeed was, as +far as regarded money; though Furlong should only have been too glad +to be permitted to mix his plebeian blood with the daughter of a man +of high family, whose crippled circumstances and consequent truckling +conduct had reduced him to the wretched necessity of making _such a cur_ +as Furlong the inmate of his house. But so it was. + +The family began at last to suspect the real state of the case, and all +were surprised except the old dowager; she had expected what was coming, +and had prepared herself for it. All her pistol practice was with a view +to call Furlong to the "last arbitrament" for this slight to her house. +Gusty was too young, she considered, for the duty; therefore she, in +her fantastic way of looking at the matter, looked upon _herself_ as the +head of the family, and, as such, determined to resent the affront put +upon it. + +But of her real design the family at Neck-or-Nothing Hall had not the +remotest notion. Of course, an old lady going about with a pistol, +powder-flask, and bullets, and practising on the trunks of the trees in +the park, could not pass without observation, and surmises there were +on the subject; then her occasional exclamation of "Tremble, villain!" +would escape her; and sometimes in the family circle, after sitting for +a while in a state of abstraction, she would lift her attenuated hand +armed with a knitting-needle or a ball of worsted, and assuming the +action of poising a pistol, execute a smart _click_ with her tongue, and +say, "I hit him that time." + +These exclamations, indicative of vengeance, were supposed at length +by the family to apply to Edward O'Connor, but excited pity rather than +alarm. When, however, one morning, the dowager was nowhere to be +found, and Ratty and the pistols had also disappeared, an inquiry was +instituted as to the old lady's whereabouts, and Mount Eskar was one +of the first places where she was sought, but without success; and all +other inquiries were equally unavailing. + +The old lady had contrived, with that cunning peculiar to insane people, +to get away from the house at an early hour in the morning, unknown to +all except Ratty, to whom she confided her intention, and he managed to +get her out of the domain unobserved, and thence together they proceeded +to Dublin in a post-chaise. It was the day after this secret expedition +was undertaken that Mr. Furlong was sitting in his private apartment +at the Castle, doing "the state some service" by reading the morning +papers, which heavy official duty he relieved occasionally by turning +to some scented notes which lay near a morocco writing-case, whence they +had been drawn by the lisping dandy to flatter his vanity. He had been +carrying on a correspondence with an anonymous fair one, in whose heart, +if her words might be believed, Furlong had made desperate havoc. + +It happened, however, that these notes were all fictitious, being the +work of Tom Loftus, who enjoyed playing on a puppy as much as playing on +the organ; and he had the satisfaction of seeing Furlong going through +his paces in certain squares he had appointed, wearing a flower of Tom's +choice and going through other antics which Tom had demanded under +the signature of "Phillis," written in a delicate hand on pink satin +note-paper with a lace border; one of the last notes suggested the +possibility of a visit from the lady, and, after assurances of "secrecy +and honour" had been returned by Furlong, he was anxiously expecting +"what would become of it;" and filled with pleasing reflections of what +"a devil of a fellow" he was among the ladies, he occasionally paced +the room before a handsome dressing-glass (with which his apartment +was always furnished), and ran his fingers through his curls with a +complacent smile. While thus occupied, and in such a frame of mind, the +hall messenger entered the apartment, and said a lady wished to see him. + +"A lady!" exclaimed Furlong, in delighted surprise. + +"She won't give her name, sir, but--" + +"Show her up! show her up!" exclaimed the Lothario, eagerly. + +All anxiety, he awaited the appearance of his donna; and quite a donna +she seemed, as a commanding figure, dressed in black, and enveloped in a +rich veil of the same, glided into the room. + +"How vewy Spanish!" exclaimed Furlong, as he advanced to meet his +incognita, who, as soon as she entered, locked the door, and withdrew +the key. + +"Quite pwactised in such secwet affairs," said Furlong slily. "Fai' +lady, allow me to touch you' fai' hand, and lead you to a seat." + +The mysterious stranger made no answer; but lifting her long veil, +turned round on the lisping dandy, who staggered back, when the dowager +O'Grady appeared before him, drawn up to her full height, and anything +but an agreeable expression in her eye. She stalked up towards him, +something in the style of a spectre in a romance, which she was not +very unlike; and as she advanced, he retreated, until he got the table +between him and this most unwelcome apparition. + +"I am come," said the dowager, with an ominous tone of voice. + +"Vewy happy of the hono', I am sure, Mistwess O'Gwady," faltered +Furlong. + +"The avenger has come." Furlong opened his eyes. "I have come to wash +the stain!" said she, tapping her fingers in a theatrical manner on the +table, and, as it happened, she pointed to a large blotch of ink on the +table-cover. Furlong opened his eyes wider than ever, and thought this +the queerest bit of madness he ever heard of; however, thinking it best +to humour her, he answered, "Yes, it was a little awkwa'dness of mine--I +upset the inkstand the othe' day." + +"Do you mock me, sir?" said she, with increasing bitterness. + +"La, no! Mistwess O'Gwady." + +"I have come, I say, to wash out in your blood the stain you have dared +to put on the name of O'Grady." + +Furlong gasped with mingled amazement and fear. + +"Tremble, villain!" she said; and she pointed toward him her long +attenuated finger with portentous solemnity. + +[Illustration: The Challenge] + +"I weally am quite at a loss, Mistwess O'Gwady, to compwehend--" + +Before he could finish his sentence, the dowager had drawn from the +depths of her side-pockets a brace of pistols, and presenting them to +Furlong, said, "Be at a loss no longer, except the loss of life which +may ensue: take your choice of weapons, sir." + +"Gwacious Heaven!" exclaimed Furlong, trembling from head to foot. + +"You won't choose, then?" said the dowager. "Well, there's one for you;" +and she laid a pistol before him with as courteous a manner as if she +were making him a birthday present. + +Furlong stared down upon it with a look of horror. + +"Now we must toss for choice of ground," said the dowager. "I have no +money about me, for I paid my last half-crown to the post-boy, but this +will do as well for a toss as anything else;" and she laid her hands +on the dressing-glass as she spoke. "Now the call shall be 'safe,' or +'smash;' whoever calls 'safe,' if the glass comes down unbroken, has the +choice, and _vice vers_. I call first--'_Smash_,'" said the dowager, as +she flung up the dressing-glass, which fell in shivers on the floor. "I +have won," said she; "oblige me, sir, by standing in that far corner. +I have the light in my back--and you will have something else in yours +before long; take your ground, sir." + +Furlong, finding himself thus cooped up with a mad woman, in an agony of +terror suddenly bethought himself of instances he had heard of escape, +under similar circumstances, by coinciding to a certain extent with the +views of the insane people, and suggested to the dowager that he hoped +she would not insist on a duel without their having a "friend" present. + +"I beg your pardon, sir," said the old lady: "I quite forgot that +form, in the excitement of the moment, though I have not overlooked the +necessity altogether, and have come provided with one." + +"Allow me to wing for him," said Furlong, rushing to the bell. + +"Stop!" exclaimed the dowager, levelling her pistol at the bell-pull; +"touch it, and you are a dead man!" + +Furlong stood riveted to the spot where his rush had been arrested. + +"No interruption, sir, till this little affair is settled. Here is my +friend," she added, putting her hand into her pocket and pulling out the +wooden cuckoo of her clock. "My little bird, sir, will see fair between +us;" and she perched the painted wooden thing, with a bit of feather +grotesquely sticking up out of its nether end, on the morocco +letter-case. + +"Oh, Lord!" said Furlong. + +"He's a gentleman of the nicest honour, sir!" said the dowager, pacing +back to the window. + +Furlong took advantage of the opportunity of her back being turned, and +rushed at the bell, which he pulled with great fury. + +The dowager wheeled round with haste. "So you have rung," said she, +"but it shall not avail you--the door is locked; take your weapon, +sir,--quick!--what!--a coward!" + +"Weally, Mistwess O'Gwady, I cannot think of deadly arbitrament with a +lady." + +"Less would you like it with a man, _poltroon_!" said she, with an +exaggerated expression of contempt in her manner. "However," she added, +"if you _are_ a coward, you shall have a coward's punishment." She went +to a corner where stood a great variety of handsome canes, and laying +hold of one, began soundly to thrash Furlong, who feared to make any +resistance or attempt to disarm her of the cane, for the pistol was yet +in her other hand. + +The bell was answered by the servant, who, on finding the door locked, +and hearing the row inside, began to knock and inquire loudly what was +the matter. The question was more loudly answered by Furlong, who roared +out, "Bweak the door! bweak the door!" interlarding his directions with +cries of "mu'der!" + +The door at length was forced, Furlong rescued, and the old lady +separated from him. She became perfectly calm the moment other persons +appeared, and was replacing the pistols in her pocket, when Furlong +requested the "dweadful weapons" might be seized. The old lady gave up +the pistols very quietly, but laid hold of her bird and put it back into +her pocket. + +"This is a dweadful violation!" said Furlong, "and my life is not safe +unless she is bound ove' to keep the peace." + +"Pooh! pooh!" said one of the gentlemen from the adjacent office, who +came to the scene on hearing the uproar, "binding over an old lady to +keep the peace--nonsense!" + +"I insist upon it," said Furlong, with that stubbornness for which fools +are so remarkable. + +"Oh--very well!" said the sensible gentleman, who left the room. + +A party, pursuant to Furlong's determination, proceeded to the head +police-office close by the Castle, and a large mob gathered as they went +down Cork-hill and followed them to Exchange-court, where they crowded +before them in front of the office, so that it was with difficulty the +principals could make their way through the dense mass. + +At length, however, they entered the office; and when Major Sir heard +any gentleman attached to the Government wanted his assistance, of +course he put any other case aside, and had the accuser and accused +called up before him. + +Furlong made his charge of assault and battery, with intent to murder, +&c., &c. "Some mad old rebel, I suppose," said Major Sir. "Do you +remember '98, ma'am?" said the major. + +"Indeed I do, sir--and I remember _you_ too: Major Sir I have the honour +to address, if I don't mistake." + +"Yes, ma'am. What then?" + +"I remember well in '98 when you were searching for rebels, you thought +a man was concealed in a dairy-yard in the neighbourhood of my mother's +house, major, in Stephen's Green; and you thought he was hid in a +hay-rick, and ordered your sergeant to ask for the loan of a spit from +my mother's kitchen to probe the haystack." + +"Oh! then, madam, your mother was _loyal_, I suppose." + +"Most loyal, sir." + +"Give the lady a chair," said the major. + +"Thank you, I don't want it--but, major, when you asked for the spit, +my mother thought you were going to practise one of your delightfully +ingenious bits of punishment, and asked the sergeant _who it was you +were going to roast_?" + +The major grew livid on the bench where he sat, at this awkward +reminiscence of one of his friends, and a dead silence reigned through +the crowded office. He recovered himself, however, and addressed Mrs. +O'Grady in a mumbling manner, telling her she must give security to keep +the peace, herself--and find friends as sureties. On asking her had she +any friends to appear for her, she declared she had. + +"A gentleman of the nicest honour, sir," said the dowager, pulling her +cuckoo from her pocket, and holding it up in view of the whole office. + +A shout of laughter, of course, followed. The affair became at once +understood in its true light; a mad old lady--a paltry coward--&c., &c. +Those who know the excitability and fun of an Irish mob will not +wonder that, when the story got circulated from the office to the crowd +without, which it did with lightning rapidity, the old lady, on being +placed in a hackney-coach which was sent for, was hailed with a chorus +of "Cuckoo!" by the multitude, one half of which ran after the coach +as long as they could keep pace with it, shouting forth the spring-time +call, and the other half followed Furlong to the Castle, with hisses and +other more articulate demonstrations of their contempt. + + + + +CHAPTER XLV + + +The fat and fair Widow Flanagan had, at length, given up +shilly-shallying, and yielding to the fervent entreaties of Tom Durfy, +had consented to name the happy day. She _would_ have some little +ways of her own about it, however, and instead of being married in the +country, insisted on the nuptial knot being tied in Dublin. Thither +the widow repaired with her swain to complete the stipulated time of +residence within some metropolitan parish before the wedding could +take place. In the meanwhile they enjoyed all the gaiety the capital +presented, the time glided swiftly by, and Tom was within a day of being +made a happy man, when, as he was hastening to the lodgings of the fair +widow, who was waiting with her bonnet and shawl on to be escorted to +the botanical gardens at Glasnevin, he was accosted by an odd-looking +person of somewhat sinister aspect. + +"I believe I have the honour of addressing Mister Durfy, sir?" Tom +answered in the affirmative. "_Thomas_ Durfy, Esquire, I think, sir?" + +"Yes." + +"This is for you, sir," he said, handing Tom a piece of dirty printed +paper, and at the same time laying his hand on Tom's shoulder and +executing a smirking sort of grin, which he meant to be the pattern +of politeness, added, "You'll excuse me, sir, but I arrest you under a +warrant from the High Sheriff of the city of Dublin; always sorry, sir, +for a gintleman in defficulties, but it's my duty." + +"You're a bailiff, then?" said Tom. + +"Sir," said the bum, + + "'Honour and shame from no condition rise; + Act well your part--there all the honour lies.'" + +"I meant no offence," said Tom. "I only meant--" + +"I understand, sir--I understand. These little defficulties startles +gintlemen at first--you've not been used to arrest, I see, sir?" + +"Never in my life did such a thing happen before," said Tom. "I live +generally, thank God, where a bailiff daren't show his face." + +"Ah, sir," said the bailiff with a grin, "them rustic habits betrays +the children o' nature often when they come to town; but we are _so +fisticated_ here in the metropolis, that we lay our hands on strangers +aisy. But you'd better not stand in the street, sir, or people will +understand it's an arrest, sir; and I suppose you wouldn't like the +exposure. I can simperise in a gintle-man's feelings, sir. If you +walk aisy on, sir, and don't attempt to escape or rescue, I'll keep a +gentlemanlike distance." + +Tom walked on in great perplexity for a few steps, not knowing what +to do. The hour of his rendezvous had struck; he knew how impatient of +neglect the widow always was; he at one moment thought of asking the +bailiff to allow him to proceed to her lodgings at once, there boldly +to avow what had taken place and ask her to discharge the debt; but +this his pride would not allow him to do. As he came to the corner of a +street, he got a tap on the elbow from the bailiff, who, with a jerking +motion of his thumb and a wink, said in a confidential tone to Tom, +"Down this street, sir--that's the way to the _pres'n_ (prison)." + +"Prison!" exclaimed Tom, halting involuntarily at the word. + +"Shove on, sir--shove on!" hastily repeated the sheriff's officer, +urging his orders by a nudge or two on Tom's elbow. + +"Don't shove me, sir!" said Tom, rather angrily, "or by G--" + +"Aisy, sir--aisy!" said the bailiff; "though I feel for the defficulties +of a gintleman, the caption must be made, sir. If you don't like the +pris'n, I have a nice little room o' my own, sir, where you can wait, +for a small consideration, until you get bail." + +"I'll go there, then," said Tom. "Go through as private streets as you +can." + +"Give me half-a-guinea for my trouble, sir, and I'll ambulate you +through lanes every _fut_ o' the way." + +"Very well," said Tom. + +They now struck into a shabby street, and thence wended through stable +lanes, filthy alleys, up greasy broken steps, through one close, and +down steps in another--threaded dark passages whose debouchures were +blocked up with posts to prevent vehicular conveyance, the accumulated +dirt of years sensible to the tread from its lumpy unevenness, and the +stagnant air rife with pestilence. Tom felt increasing disgust at every +step he proceeded, but anything to him appeared better than being seen +in the public streets in such company; for, until they got into these +labyrinths of nastiness, Tom thought he saw in the looks of every +passer-by, as plainly told as if the words were spoken, "There goes a +fellow under the care of the bailiff." In these by-ways, he had not any +objection to speak to his companion, and for the first time asked him +what he was arrested for. + +"At the suit of Mr. M'Kail, sir." + +"Oh! the tailor?" said Tom. + +"Yes, sir," said the bailiff. "And if you would not consider it trifling +with the feelings of a gintleman in defficulties, I would make the +playful observation, sir, that it's quite in character to be arrested at +the _suit_ of a tailor. He! he! he!" + +"You're a wag, I see," said Tom. + +"Oh no, sir, only a poetic turn: a small affection I have certainly for +Judy Mot, but my rale passion is the muses. We are not far now, sir, +from my little bower of repose--which is the name I give my humble +abode--small, but snug, sir. You'll see another gintleman there, sir, +before you. He is waitin' for bail these three or four days, sir--can't +pay as he ought for the 'commodation, but he's a friend o' mine, I may +almost say, sir--a litherary gintleman--them litherary gintlemen is +always in defficulties mostly. I suppose you're a litherary gintleman, +sir--though you're rather ginteely dhressed for one?" + +"No," said Tom, "I am not." + +"I thought you wor, sir, by being acquainted with this other gintleman." + +"An acquaintance of mine!" said Tom, with surprise. + +"Yes, sir. In short it was through him I found out where you wor, sir. +I have had the wret agen you for some time, but couldn't make you off, +till my friend says I must carry a note from him to you." + +"Where is the note?" inquired Tom. + +"Not ready yet, sir. It's po'thry he's writin'--something 'pithy' +he said, and 'lame' too. I dunna how a thing could be pithy and lame +together, but them potes has hard words at command." + +"Then you came away without the note?" + +"Yis, sir. As soon as I found out where you wor stopping I ran off +directly on Mr. M'Kail's little business. You'll excuse the liberty, +sir; but we must all mind our professions; though, indeed, sir, if you +b'lieve me, I'd rather nab a rhyme than a gintleman any day; and if I +could get on the press I'd quit the shoulder-tapping profession." + +Tom cast an eye of wonder on the bailiff, which the latter comprehended +at once; for with habitual nimbleness he could nab a man's thoughts as +fast as his person. "I know what you're thinkin', sir--could one of my +profession pursue the muses? Don't think, sir, I mane I could write the +'laders' or the pollitik'l articles, but the criminal cases, sir--the +robberies and offinces--with the watchhouse cases--together with a +little po'thry now and then. I think I could be useful, sir, and do +better than some of the chaps that pick up their ha'pence that way. But +here's my place, sir--my little bower of repose." + +He knocked at the door of a small tumble-down house in a filthy lane, +the one window it presented in front being barred with iron. Some bolts +were drawn inside, and though the man who opened the door was forbidding +in his aspect, he did not refuse to let Tom in. The portal was hastily +closed and bolted after they had entered. The smell of the house was +pestilential--the entry dead dark. + +"Give me your hand, sir," said the bailiff, leading Tom forward. They +ascended some creaking stairs, and the bailiff, fumbling for some time +with a key at a door, unlocked it and shoved it open, and then led in +his captive. Tom saw a shabby-genteel sort of person, whose back was +towards him, directing a letter. + +"Ah, Goggins!" said the writer, "you're come back in the nick of time. I +have finished now, and you may take the letter to Mister Durfy." + +"You may give it to him yourself, sir," replied Goggins, "for here he +is." + +"Indeed!" said the writer, turning round. + +"What!" exclaimed Tom Durfy, in surprise; "James Reddy!" + +"Even so," said James, with a sentimental air: + + "'The paths of glory lead but to the grave.' + +Literature is a bad trade, my dear Tom!--'tis an ungrateful world--men +of the highest aspirations may lie in gaol for all the world cares; +not that you come within the pale of the worthless ones; this is +good-natured of you to come and see a friend in trouble. You deserve, my +dear Tom, that you should have been uppermost in my thoughts; for here +is a note I have just written to you, enclosing a copy of verses to you +on your marriage--in short, it is an epithalamium." + +"That's what I told you, sir," said Goggins to Tom. + +"May the divil burn you and your epithalamium!" said Tom Durfy, stamping +round the little room. + +James Reddy stared in wonder, and Goggins roared, laughing. + +"A pretty compliment you've paid me, Mister Reddy, this fine morning," +said Tom; "you tell a bailiff where I live, that you may send your +infernal verses to me, and you get me arrested." + +"Oh, murder!" exclaimed James. "I'm very sorry, my dear Tom; but, at the +same time, 't is a capital incident! How it would work up in a farce!" + +"How funny it is!" said Tom in a rage, eyeing James as if he could have +eaten him. "Bad luck to all poetry and poetasters! By the 'tarnal war, +I wish every poet, from Homer down, was put into a mortar and pounded to +death!" + +James poured forth expressions of sorrow for the mischance; and +extremely ludicrous it was to see one man making apologies for trying +to pay his friend a compliment; his friend swearing at him for his +civility, and the bailiff grinning at them both. + +In this triangular dilemma we will leave them for the present. + + + + +CHAPTER XLVI + + +Edward O'Connor, on hearing from Gustavus of the old dowager's +disappearance from Neck-or-Nothing Hall, joined in the eager inquiries +which were made about her; and _his_ being directed with more method and +judgment than those of others, their result was more satisfactory. He +soon "took up the trail," to use an Indian phrase, and he and Gusty were +not many hours in posting after the old lady. They arrived in town early +in the morning, and lost no time in casting about for information. + +One of the first places Edward inquired at was the inn where the +postchaise generally drove to from the house where the old dowager had +obtained her carriage in the country; but there no trace was to be had. +Next, the principal hotels were referred to, but as yet without success; +when, as they turned into one of the leading streets in continuance of +their search, their attention was attracted by a crowd swaying to and +fro in that peculiar manner which indicates there is a fight inside +of it. Great excitement prevailed on the verge of the crowd, where +exclamations escaped from those who could get a peep at the fight. + +"The little chap has great heart!" cried one. + +"But the sweep is the biggest," said another. + +"Well done, _Horish_!" [Footnote: The name of a celebrated sweep in +Ireland, whose name is applied to the whole.] cried a blackguard, who +enjoyed the triumph of his fellow. "Bravo! little fellow," rejoined +a genteel person, who rejoiced in some successful hit of the other +combatant. There is an inherent love in men to see a fight, which Edward +O'Connor shared with inferior men; and if _he_ had not peeped into the +ring, most assuredly Gusty would. What was their astonishment, when they +got a glimpse of the pugilists, to perceive Ratty was one of them--his +antagonist being a sweep, taller by a head, and no bad hand at the +"noble science." + +Edward's first impulse was to separate them, but Gusty requested he +would not, saying that he saw by Ratty's eye he was able to "lick the +fellow." Ratty certainly showed great fight; what the sweep had in +superior size was equalized by the superior "game" of the gentleman-boy, +to whom the indomitable courage of a high-blooded race had descended, +and who would sooner have died than yield. Besides, Ratty was not +deficient in the use of his "bunch of fives," hit hard for his size, +and was very agile: the sweep sometimes made a rush, grappled, and got +a fall; but he never went in without getting something from Ratty to +"remember him," and was not always uppermost. At last, both were so far +punished, and the combat not being likely to be speedily ended (for the +sweep was no craven), that the bystanders interfered, declaring that +"they ought to be separated," and they were. + +While the crowd was dispersing, Edward called a coach; and before Ratty +could comprehend how the affair was managed, he was shoved into it and +driven from the scene of action. Ratty had a confused sense of hearing +loud shouts--of being lifted somewhere--of directions given--the rattle +of iron steps clinking sharply--two or three fierce bangs of a door that +wouldn't shut, and then an awful shaking, which roused him up from the +corner of the vehicle into which he had fallen in the first moment of +exhaustion. Ratty "shook his feathers," dragged his hair from out of his +eyes, which were getting very black indeed, and applied his handkerchief +to his nose, which was much in need of that delicate attention; and when +the sense of perfect vision was restored to him, which was not for some +time (all the colours of the rainbow dancing before Ratty's eyes for +many seconds after the fight), what was his surprise to see Edward +O'Connor and Gusty sitting on the opposite seat! + +It was some time before Ratty could quite comprehend his present +situation; but as soon as he was made sensible of it, and could answer, +the first questions asked of him were about his grandmother. Ratty +fortunately remembered the name of the hotel where she put up, though +he had left it as soon as the old lady proceeded to the Castle--had lost +his way--and got engaged in a quarrel with a sweep in the meantime. + +The coach was ordered to drive to the hotel named; and how the fight +occurred was the next question. + +"The sweep was passing by, and I called him 'snow-ball,'" said Ratty; +"and the blackguard returned an impudent answer, and I hit him." + +"You had no right to call him 'snow-ball,'" said Edward. + +"I always called the sweeps 'snow-ball' down at the Hall," said Ratty, +"and they never answered." + +"When you are on your own territory you may say what you please to your +dependents, Ratty, and they dare not answer; or to use a vulgar saying, +'A cock may crow on his own dunghill.'" + +"I'm no dunghill cock!" said Ratty, fiercely. + +"Indeed, you're not," said Edward, laying his hand kindly on the boy's +shoulder; "you have plenty of courage." + +"I'd have licked him," said Ratty, "if they'd have let me have two or +three rounds more." + +"My dear boy, other things are needful in this world besides courage. +Prudence, temper, and forbearance are required; and this may be a lesson +to you, to remember, that, when you get abroad in the world, you are +very little cared about, however great your consequence may be at home; +and I am sure you cannot be proud about your having got into a quarrel +_with a sweep_." + +Ratty made no answer--his blood began to cool--he became every moment +more sensible that he had received heavy blows. His eyes became more +swollen, he snuffled more in his speech, and his blackened condition +altogether, from gutter, soot, and thrashing, convinced him a fight with +a sweep was _not_ an enviable achievement. + +The coach drew up at the hotel. Edward left Gusty to see about the +dowager, and made an appointment for Gusty to meet him at their own +lodgings in an hour; while he in the interim should call on Dick Dawson, +who was in town on his way to London. + +Edward shook hands with Ratty and bade him kindly good bye. "You're +a stout fellow, Ratty," said he, "but remember this old saying, +'_Quarrelsome dogs get dirty coats_.'" + +Edward now proceeded to Dick's lodgings, and found him engaged in +reading a note from Tom Durfy, dated from the "Bower of Repose," and +requesting Dick's aid in his present difficulty. + +"Here's a pretty kettle of fish," said Dick: "Tom Durfy, who is engaged +to dine with me to-day to take leave of his bachelor life, as he is +going to be married to-morrow, is arrested, and now in _quod_, and wants +me to bail him." + +"The shortest way is to pay the money at once," said Edward; "is it +much?" + +"That I don't know; but I have not a great deal about me, and what I +have I want for my journey to London and my expenses there--not but what +I'd help Tom if I could." + +"He must not be allowed to remain _there_, however we manage to get him +out," said Edward; "perhaps I can help you in the affair." + +"You're always a good fellow, Ned," said Dick, shaking his hand warmly. + +Edward escaped from hearing any praise of himself by proposing they +should repair at once to the sponging-house, and see how matters stood. +Dick lamented he should be called away at such a moment, for he was just +going to get his wine ready for the party--particularly some champagne, +which he was desirous of seeing well iced; but as he could not wait to +do it himself, he called Andy, to give him directions about it, and set +off with Edward to the relief of Tom Durfy. + +Andy was once more in service in the Egan family; for the Squire, on +finding him still more closely linked by his marriage with the desperate +party whose influence over Andy was to be dreaded, took advantage of +Andy's disgust against the woman who had entrapped him, and offered to +take him off to London instead of enlisting; and as Andy believed he +would be there sufficiently out of the way of the false Bridget, he came +off at once to Dublin with Dick, who was the pioneer of the party to +London. + +Dick gave Andy the necessary directions for icing the champagne, which +he set apart and pointed out most particularly to our hero, lest he +should make a mistake and perchance ice the port instead. + +After Edward and Dick had gone, Andy commenced operations according to +orders. He brought a large tub up-stairs containing rough ice, which +excited Andy's wonder, for he never had known till now that ice was +preserved for and applied to such a use, for an ice-house did not happen +to be attached to any establishment in which he had served. + +"Well, this is the quarest thing I ever heerd of," said Andy. "Musha! +what outlandish inventions the quolity has among them! They're not +contint with wine, but they must have ice along with it--and in a tub, +too!--just like pigs!--throth it's a dirty thrick, I think. Well, here +goes!" said he; and Andy opened a bottle of champagne, and poured it +into the tub with the ice. "How it fizzes!" said Andy, "Faix, it's +almost as lively as the soda-wather that bothered me long ago. Well, I +know more about things now; sure it's wondherful how a man improves with +practice!"--and another bottle of champagne was emptied into the tub +as he spoke. Thus, with several other complacent comments upon his own +proficiency, Andy poured half-a-dozen of champagne into the tub of ice, +and remarked, when he had finished his work, that he thought it would be +"mighty cowld on their stomachs." + +Dick and Edward all this time were on their way to the relief of Tom +Durfy, who, though he had cooled down from the boiling-pitch to which +the misadventure of the morning had raised him, was still _simmering_, +with his elbows planted on the rickety table in Mr. Goggins' "bower," +and his chin resting on his clenched hands. It was the very state of +mind in which Tom was most dangerous. + +At the other side of the table sat James Reddy, intently employed in +writing; his pursed mouth and knitted brows bespoke a labouring state +of thought, and the various crossings, interlinings, and blottings gave +additional evidence of the same, while now and then a rush at a line +which was knocked off in a hurry, with slashing dashes of the pen, +and fierce after-crossings of _t's_, and determined dottings of _i's_, +declared some thought suddenly seized, and executed with bitter triumph. + +"You seem very _happy in yourself_ in what you are writing," said Tom. +"What is it? Is it another epithalamium?" + +"It is a caustic article against the successful men of the day," said +Reddy; "they have no merit, sir--none. 'T is nothing but luck has placed +them where they are, and they ought to be exposed." He then threw down +his pen as he spoke, and, after a silence of some minutes, suddenly put +this question to Tom: + +"What do you think of the world?" + +"'Faith, I think it so pleasant a place," said Tom, "that I'm +confoundedly vexed at being kept out of it by being locked up here; +and that cursed bailiff is so provokingly free-and-easy--coming in here +every ten minutes, and making himself at home." + +"Why, as for that matter, it is his home, you must remember." + +"But while a gentleman is here for a period," said Tom, "this room ought +to be considered his, and that fellow has no business here--and then his +bows and scrapes, and talking about the feelings of a gentleman, and all +that--'t is enough to make a dog beat his father. Curse him! I'd like to +choke him." + +"Oh! that's merely his manner," said James. + +"Want of manners, you mean," said Tom. "Hang me, if he comes up to me +with his rascally familiarity again, but I'll kick him down stairs." + +"My dear fellow, you are excited," said Reddy; "don't let these +sublunary trifles ruffle your temper--you see how I bear it; and to +recall you to yourself, I will remind you of the question we started +from, 'What do you think of the world?' There's a general question--a +broad question, upon which one may talk with temper and soar above +the petty grievances of life in the grand consideration of so ample a +subject. You see me here, a prisoner like yourself, but I can talk of +_the world_. Come, be a calm philosopher, like me! Answer, what do you +think of the world?" + +"I've told you already," said Tom; "it's a capital place, only for the +bailiffs." + +"I can't agree with you," said James. "I think it one vast pool of +stagnant wretchedness, where the _malaria_ of injustice holds her scales +suspended, to poison rising talent by giving an undue weight to existing +prejudices." + +To this lucid and good-tempered piece of philosophy, Tom could only +answer, "You know I am no poet, and I cannot argue with you but, 'pon my +soul, I _have_ known, and _do_ know, some uncommon good fellows in the +world." + +"You're wrong, you're wrong, my unsuspecting friend. 'T is a bad world, +and no place for susceptible minds. Jealousy pursues talent like its +shadow--superiority alone wins for you the hatred of inferior men. For +instance, why am _I_ here? The editor of _my_ paper will not allow _my_ +articles always to appear;--prevents their insertion, lest the effect +they would make would cause inquiry, and tend to _my_ distinction; and +the consequence is, that the paper _I_ came to _uphold_ in Dublin +is deprived of _my_ articles, and _I_ don't get paid; while _I_ see +_inferior_ men, without asking for it, loaded with favour; _they_ are +abroad in affluence, and _I_ in captivity and poverty. But one comfort +is, even in disgrace I can write, and they shall get a slashing." + +Thus spoke the calm philosopher, who gave Tom a lecture on patience. + +Tom was no great conjuror; but at that moment, like Audrey, "he thanked +the gods he was not poetical." If there be any one thing more than +another to make an "every-day man" content with his average lot, it is +the exhibition of ambitious inferiority, striving for distinction it can +never attain; just given sufficient perception to desire the glory of +success, without power to measure the strength that can achieve it; like +some poor fly, which beats its head against a pane of glass, seeing the +sunshine beyond, but incapable of perceiving the subtle medium which +intervenes--too delicate for its limited sense to comprehend, but too +strong for its limited power to pass. But though Tom felt satisfaction +at that moment, he had too good feeling to wound the self-love of the +vain creature before him; so, instead of speaking what he thought, viz., +"What business have you to attempt literature, you conceited fool?" he +tried to wean him civilly from his folly by saying, "Then come back to +the country, James; if you find jealous rivals _here_, you know you were +always admired _there_." + +"No, sir," said James; "even there my merit was unacknowledged." + +"No! no!" said Tom. + +"Well, underrated, at least. Even there, _that_ Edward O'Connor, somehow +or other, I never could tell why--I never saw his great talents--but +somehow or other, people got it into their heads that he was clever." + +"I tell you what it is," said Tom, earnestly, "Ned-of-the-Hill has +got into a better place than people's _heads_--he has got into their +_hearts_!" + +"There it is!" exclaimed James, indignantly. "You have caught up the +cuckoo-cry--the heart! Why, sir, what merit is there in writing about +feelings which any common labourer can comprehend? There's no poetry in +that; true poetry lies in a higher sphere, where you have difficulty +in following the flight of the poet, and possibly may not be fortunate +enough to understand him--that's poetry, sir." + +"I told you I am no poet," said Tom; "but all I know is, I have felt +my heart warm to some of Edward's songs, and, by jingo, I have seen the +women's eyes glisten, and their cheeks flush or grow pale, as they have +heard them--and that's poetry enough for me." + +"Well, let Mister O'Connor enjoy his popularity, sir, if popularity it +may be called, in a small country circle--let him enjoy it--I don't envy +him _his_, though I think he was rather jealous about mine." + +"Ned jealous!" exclaimed Tom, in surprise. + +"Yes, jealous; I never heard him say a kind word of any verses I ever +wrote in my life; and I am certain he has most unkind feelings towards +me." + +"I tell you what it is," said Tom, "getting up" a bit; "I told you I +don't understand poetry, but I _do_ understand what's an infinitely +better thing, and that's fine, generous, manly feeling; and if there's +a human being in the world incapable of wronging another in his mind or +heart, or readier to help his fellow-man, it is Edward O'Connor: so say +no more, James, if you please." + +Tom had scarcely uttered the last word, when the key was turned in the +door. + +"Here's that infernal bailiff again!" said Tom, whose irritability, +increased by Reddy's paltry egotism and injustice, was at its +boiling-pitch once more. He planted himself firmly in his chair, and +putting on his fiercest frown, was determined to confront Mister Goggins +with an aspect that should astonish him. + +The door opened, and Mister Goggins made his appearance, presenting to +the gentlemen in the room the hinder portion of his person, which made +several indications of courtesy performed by the other half of his body, +while he uttered the words, "Don't be astonished, gentlemen; you'll be +used to it by-and-by." And with these words he kept backing towards Tom, +making these nether demonstrations of civility, till Tom could plainly +see the seams in the back of Mr. Goggins's pantaloons. + +Tom thought this was some new touch of the "free-and-easy" on Mister +Goggins's part, and, losing all command of himself, he jumped from +his chair, and with a vigorous kick gave Mister Goggins such a lively +impression of his desire that he should leave the room, that Mister +Goggins went head foremost down the stairs, pitching his whole weight +upon Dick Dawson and Edward O'Connor, who were ascending the dark +stairs, and to whom all his bows had been addressed. Overwhelmed with +astonishment and twelve stone of bailiff, they were thrown back into the +hall, and an immense uproar in the passage ensued. + +Edward and Dick were near coming in for some hard usage from Goggins, +conceiving it might be a preconcerted attempt on the part of his +prisoners and their newly arrived friends to achieve a rescue; and +while he was rolling about on the ground, he roared to his evil-visaged +janitor to look to the door first, and keep him from being "murthered" +after. + +Fortunately no evil consequences ensued, until matters could be +explained in the hall, and Edward and Dick were introduced to the upper +room, from which Goggins had been so suddenly ejected. + +There the bailiff demanded in a very angry tone the cause of +Tom's conduct; and when it was found to be _only_ a mutual +misunderstanding--that Goggins wouldn't take a liberty with a gentleman +"in defficulties" for the world, and that Tom wouldn't hurt a fly, "only +under a mistake"--matters were cleared up to the satisfaction of all +parties, and the real business of the meeting commenced:--that was to +pay Tom's debt out of hand; and when the bailiff saw all demands, fees +included, cleared off, the clouds from his brow cleared off also, he +was the most amiable of sheriff's officers, and all his sentimentality +returned. + +Edward did not seem quite to sympathise with his amiability, so Goggins +returned to the charge, while Tom and Dick were exchanging a few words +with James Reddy. + +"You see, sir," said Goggins, "in the first place, it is quite beautiful +to see the mind in adversity bearing up against the little antediluvian +afflictions that will happen occasionally, and then how fine it is +to remark the spark of generosity that kindles in the noble heart and +rushes to the assistance of the destitute! I do assure you, sir, it is +a most beautiful sight to see the gentlemen in defficulties waitin' here +for their friends to come to their relief, like the last scene in Blue +Beard, where sister Ann waves her han'kerchief from the tower--the +tyrant is slain--and virtue rewarded! + +"Ah, sir!" said he to Edward O'Connor, whose look of disgust at the +wretched den caught the bailiff's attention, "don't entertain an +antifassy from first imprissions, which is often desaivin'. I do pledge +you my honour, sir, there is no place in the 'varsal world where +human nature is visible in more attractive colours than in this humble +retrait." + +Edward could not conceal a smile at the fellow's absurdity, though his +sense of the ridiculous could not overcome the disgust with which the +place inspired him. He gave an admonitory touch to the elbow of Dick +Dawson, who, with his friend Tom Durfy, followed Edward from the +room, the bailiff bringing up the rear, and relocking the door on the +unfortunate James Reddy, who was left "alone in his glory," to finish +his slashing article against the successful men of the day. Nothing more +than words of recognition had passed between Reddy and Edward. In +the first place, Edward's appearance at the very moment the other was +indulging in illiberal observations upon him rendered the ill-tempered +poetaster dumb; and Edward attributed this distance of manner to a +feeling of shyness which Reddy might entertain at being seen in such a +place, and therefore had too much good breeding to thrust his civility +on a man who seemed to shrink from it; but when he left the house he +expressed his regret to his companions at the poor fellow's unfortunate +situation. + +It touched Tom Durfy's heart to hear these expressions of compassion +coming from the lips of the man he had heard maligned a few minutes +before by the very person commiserated, and it raised his opinion higher +of Edward, whose hand he now shook with warm expressions of thankfulness +on his own account, for the prompt service rendered to him. Edward +made as light of his own kindness as he could, and begged Tom to think +nothing of such a trifle. + +"One word I will say to you, Durfy, and I'm sure you'll pardon me for +it." + +"Could you say a thing to offend me?" was the answer. + +"You are to be married soon, I understand?" + +"To-morrow," said Tom. + +"Well, my dear Durfy, if you owe any more money, take a real friend's +advice, and tell your pretty good-hearted widow the whole amount of your +debts before you marry her." + +"My dear O'Connor," said Tom, "the money you've lent me now is all I owe +in the world; 't was a tailor's bill, and I quite forgot it. You know, +no one ever thinks of a tailor's bill. Debts, indeed!" added Tom, with +surprise; "my dear fellow, I never could be much in debt, for the devil +a one would trust me." + +"An excellent reason for your unencumbered state," said Edward, "and I +hope you pardon me." + +"Pardon!" exclaimed Tom, "I esteem you for your kind and manly +frankness." + +In the course of their progress towards Dick's lodgings, Edward reverted +to James Reddy's wretched condition, and found it was but some petty +debt for which he was arrested. He lamented, in common with Dick and +Tom, the infatuation which made him desert a duty he could profitably +perform by assisting his father in his farming concerns, to pursue a +literary path, which could never be any other to him than one of thorns. + +As Edward had engaged to meet Gusty in an hour, he parted from his +companions and pursued his course alone. But, instead of proceeding +immediately homeward, he retraced his steps to the den of the bailiff +and gave a quiet tap at the door. Mister Goggins himself answered to the +knock, and began a loud and florid welcome to Edward, who stopped his +career of eloquence by laying a finger on his lip in token of silence. +A few words sufficed to explain the motive of his visit. He wished to +ascertain the sum for which the gentleman up-stairs was detained. The +bailiff informed him; and the money necessary to procure the captive's +liberty was placed in his hand. + +The bailiff cast one of his melodramatic glances at Edward, and said, +"Didn't I tell you, sir, this was the place for calling out the noblest +feelings of human nature?" + +"Can you oblige me with writing materials?" said Edward. + +"I can, sir," said Goggins, proudly, "and with other _materials_ too, +if you like--and 'pon my honour, I'll be proud to drink your health, for +you're a raal gintleman." [Footnote: The name given in Ireland to the +necessary materials for the compounding of whisky-punch.] + +Edward, in the civilest manner, declined the offer, and wrote, or +rather tried to write, the following note, with a pen like a skewer, ink +something thicker than mud, and on whity-brown paper:-- + +"DEAR SIR,--I hope you will pardon the liberty I have taken in your +temporary want of money. You can repay me at your convenience. Yours, + +"E. O'C." + +Edward left the den, and so did James Reddy soon after--a better man. +Though weak, his heart was not shut to the humanities of life--and +Edward's kindness, in opening his eyes to the wrong he had done _one_ +man, induced in his heart a kinder feeling towards all. He tore up his +slashing article against successful men. Would that every disappointed +man would do the same. + +The bailiff was right: even so low a den as his becomes ennobled by the +presence of active benevolence and prejudice reclaimed. + + + + +CHAPTER XLVII + + +Edward, on returning to his hotel, found Gusty there before him, in +great delight at having seen a "splendid" horse, as he said, which had +been brought for Edward's inspection, he having written a note on his +arrival in town to a dealer stating his want of a first-rate hunter. + +"He's in the stable now," said Gusty; "for I desired the man to wait, +knowing you would be here soon." + +"I cannot see him now, Gusty," said Edward: "will you have the kindness +to tell the groom I can look at the horse in his own stables when I wish +to purchase?" + +Gusty departed to do the message, somewhat in wonder, for Edward loved +a fine horse. But the truth was, Edward's disposable money, which he had +intended for the purchase of a hunter, had a serious inroad made upon +it by the debts he had discharged for other men, and he was forced +to forego the pleasure he had proposed to himself in the next hunting +season; and he did not like to consume any one's time, or raise false +expectations, by affecting to look at disposable property with the eye +of a purchaser, when he knew it was beyond his reach; and the flimsy +common-places of "I'll think of it," or "If I don't see something +better," or any other of the twenty hackneyed excuses which idle people +make, after consuming busy men's time, Edward held to be unworthy. He +could ride a hack and deny himself hunting for a whole season, but +he would not unnecessarily consume the useful time of any man for ten +minutes. + +This may be sneered at by the idle and thoughtless; nevertheless, it is +a part of the minor morality which is ever present in the conduct of a +true gentleman. + +Edward had promised to join Dick's dinner-party on an impromptu +invitation, and the clock striking the appointed hour warned Edward it +was time to be off; so, jumping up on a jaunting car, he rattled off to +Dick's lodgings, where a jolly party was assembled ripe for fun. + +Amongst the guests was a rather remarkable man, a Colonel Crammer, who +had seen a monstrous deal of service--one of Tom Durfy's friends whom he +had asked leave to bring with him to dinner. Of course, Dick's card +and a note of invitation for the gallant colonel were immediately +despatched; and he had but just arrived before Edward, who found a +bustling sensation in the room as the colonel was presented to those +already assembled, and Tom Durfy giving whispers, aside, to each +person touching his friend; such as--"Very remarkable man"--"Seen great +service"--"A little odd or so"--"A fund of most extraordinary anecdote," +&c., &c. + +Now this Colonel Crammer was no other than Tom Loftus, whose +acquaintance Dick wished to make, and who had been invited to the dinner +after a preliminary visit; but Tom sent an excuse in his own name, and +preferred being present under a fictitious one--this being one of the +odd ways in which his humour broke out, desirous of giving people a +"touch of his quality" before they knew him. He was in the habit of +assuming various characters; a methodist missionary--the patentee +of some unheard-of invention--the director of some new joint-stock +company--in short, anything which would give him an opportunity of +telling tremendous bouncers was equally good for Tom. His reason for +assuming a military guise on this occasion was to bother Moriarty, whom +he knew he should meet, and held a special reason for tormenting; and +he knew he could achieve this, by throwing all the stories Moriarty was +fond of telling about his own service into the shade, by extravagant +inventions of "hair-breadth 'scapes" and feats by "flood and +field." Indeed, the dinner would not be worth mentioning but for the +extraordinary capers Tom cut on the occasion, and the unheard-of lies he +squandered. + +Dinner was announced by Andy, and with good appetite soup and fish were +soon despatched; sherry followed as a matter of necessity. The second +course appeared, and was not long under discussion when Dick called for +the "champagne." + +Andy began to drag the tub towards the table, and Dick, impatient of +delay, again called "champagne." + +"I'm bringin' it to you, sir," said Andy, tugging at the tub. + +"Hand it round the table," said Dick. + +Andy tried to lift the tub, "to hand it round the table;" but, finding +he could not manage it, he whispered to Dick, "I can't get it up, sir." + +Dick, fancying Andy meant he had got a flask not in a sufficient state +of effervescence to expel its own cork, whispered in return, "Draw it, +then." + +"I was dhrawin' it to you, sir, when you stopped me." + +"Well, make haste with it," said Dick. + +"Mister Dawson, I'll trouble you for a small slice of the turkey," said +the colonel. + +"With pleasure, colonel; but first do me the honour to take champagne. +Andy--champagne!" + +"Here it is, sir!" said Andy, who had drawn the tub close to Dick's +chair. + +"Where's the wine, sir?" said Dick, looking first at the tub and then at +Andy. "There, sir," said Andy, pointing down to the ice. "I put the wine +into it, as you towld me." + +Dick looked again at the tub, and said, "There is not a single bottle +there--what do you mean, you stupid rascal?" + +"To be sure, there's no bottle there, sir. The bottles is all on the +sideboord, but every dhrop o' the wine is in the ice, as you towld me, +sir; if you put your hand down into it, you'll feel it, sir." + +The conversation between master and man growing louder as it proceeded +attracted the attention of the whole company, and those near the head +of the table became acquainted as soon as Dick with the mistake Andy had +made, and could not resist laughter; and as the cause of their merriment +was told from man to man, and passed round the board, a roar of laughter +uprose, not a little increased by Dick's look of vexation, which at +length was forced to yield to the infectious merriment around him, and +he laughed with the rest, and making a joke of the disappointment, which +is the very best way of passing one off, he said that he had the honour +of originating at his table a magnificent scale of hospitality; for +though he had heard of company being entertained with a whole hogshead +of claret, he was not aware of champagne being ever served in a tub +before. The company were too determined to be merry to have their +pleasantry put out of tune by so trifling a mishap, and it was generally +voted that the joke was worth twice as much as the wine. Nevertheless, +Dick could not help casting a reproachful look now and then at Andy, +who had to run the gauntlet of many a joke cut at his expense, while +he waited upon the wags at dinner, and caught a lowly muttered anathema +whenever he passed near Dick's chair. In short, master and man were +both glad when the cloth was drawn, and the party could be left to +themselves. + +Then, as a matter of course, Dick called on the gentlemen to charge +their glasses and fill high to a toast he had to propose--they would +anticipate to whom he referred--a gentleman who was going to change his +state of freedom for one of a happier bondage, &c., &c. Dick dashed off +his speech with several mirth-moving allusions to the change that was +coming over his friend Tom, and, having festooned his composition +with the proper quantity of "rosy wreaths," &c., &c., &c., naturally +belonging to such speeches, he wound up with some hearty words--free +from _badinage_, and meaning all they conveyed, and finished with the +rhyming benediction of a "long life and a good wife" to him. + +Tom having returned thanks in the same laughing style that Dick proposed +his health, and bade farewell to the lighter follies of bachelorship for +the more serious ones of wedlock, the road was now open for any one +who was vocally inclined. Dick asked one or two, who said they were not +within a bottle of their singing-point yet, but Tom Durfy was sure his +friend the colonel would favour them. + +"With pleasure," said the colonel; "and I'll sing something appropriate +to the blissful situation of philandering in which you have been +indulging of late, my friend. I wish I could give you any idea of the +song as I heard it warbled by the voice of an Indian princess, who +was attached to me once, and for whom I ran enormous risks--but no +matter--that's past and gone, but the soft tones of Zulima's voice will +ever haunt my heart! The song is a favourite where I heard it--on the +borders of Cashmere, and is supposed to be sung by a fond woman in the +valley of the nightingales--'tis so in the original, but as we have +no nightingales in Ireland, I have substituted the dove in the little +translation I have made, which, if you will allow me, I'll attempt." + +Loud cries of "Hear, hear!" and tapping of applauding hands on the table +followed, while the colonel gave a few preliminary hems; and after some +little pilot tones from his throat, to show the way, his voice ascended +in all the glory of song. + +THE DOVE-SONG + +I + + "_Coo! Coo! Coo! Coo!_ + Thus did I hear the turtle-dove, + _Coo! Coo! Coo!_ + Murmuring forth her love; + And as she flew from tree to tree, + How melting seemed the notes to me-- + _Coo! Coo! Coo!_ + So like the voice of lovers, + 'T was passing sweet to hear + The birds within the covers, + In the spring-time of the year. + +II + + "_Coo! Coo! Coo! Coo!_ + Thus the song's returned again-- + _Coo! Coo! Coo!_ + Through the shady glen; + But there I wandered lone and sad, + While every bird around was glad. + _Coo! Coo! Coo!_ + Thus so fondly murmured they, + _Coo! Coo! Coo!_ + While _my_ love was away. + And yet the song to lovers, + Though sad, is sweet to hear, + From birds within the covers, + In the spring-time of the year." + +The colonel's song, given with Tom Loftus' good voice, was received +with great applause, and the fellows all voted it catching, and began +"cooing" round the table like a parcel of pigeons. + +"A translation from an eastern poet, you say?" + +"Yes," said Tom. + +"'T is not very eastern in its character," said Moriarty. "I mean a +_free_ translation, of course," added the mock colonel. + +"Would you favour us with the song again, in the original?" added +Moriarty. + +Tom Loftus did not know one syllable of any other language than his own, +and it would not have been convenient to talk gibberish to Moriarty, who +had a smattering of some of the eastern tongues; so he declined giving +his Cashmerian song in its native purity, because, as he said, he never +could manage to speak their dialect, though he understood it reasonably +well. + +"But _there's_ a gentleman, I am sure, will sing some other song--and a +better one, I have no doubt," said Tom, with a very humble prostration +of his head on the table, and anxious by a fresh song to get out of the +dilemma in which Moriarty's question was near placing him. + +"Not a better, colonel," said the gentleman who was addressed, "but I +cannot refuse your call, and I will do my best; hand me the port wine, +pray; I always take a glass of port before I sing--I think 't is good +for the throat--what do you say, colonel?" + +"When I want to sing particularly well," said Tom, "I drink _canary_." + +The gentleman smiled at the whimsical answer, tossed off his glass of +port, and began. + +LADY MINE + + "Lady mine! lady mine! + Take the rosy wreath I twine, + All its sweets are less than thine, + Lady, lady mine! + The blush that on thy cheek is found + Bloometh fresh the _whole_ year round; + _Thy_ sweet _breath_ as sweet gives _sound_, + Lady, lady mine! + +II + + "Lady mine! lady mine! + How I love the graceful vine, + Whose tendrils mock thy ringlets' twine, + Lady, lady mine! + How I love that generous tree, + Whose ripe clusters promise me + Bumpers bright,--to pledge to _thee_, + Lady, lady mine! + +III + + "Lady mine! lady mine! + Like the stars that nightly shine, + Thy sweet eyes shed light divine, + Lady, lady mine! + And as sages wise, of old, + From the stars could fate unfold, + Thy bright eyes _my_ fortune told, + Lady, lady mine!" + +The song was just in the style to catch gentlemen after dinner--the +second verse particularly, and many a glass was emptied of a "bumper +bright," and pledged to the particular "_thee_," which each individual +had selected for his devotion. Edward, at that moment, certainly thought +of Fanny Dawson. + +Let teetotallers say what they please, there is a genial influence +inspired by wine and song--not in excess, but in that wholesome degree +which stirs the blood and warms the fancy; and as one raises the glass +to the lip, over which some sweet name is just breathed from the depth +of the heart, what libation so fit to pour to absent friends as wine? +What _is_ wine? It is the grape present in another form; its essence is +there, though the fruit which produced it grew thousands of miles away, +and perished years ago. So the object of many a tender thought may +be spiritually present, in defiance of space--and fond recollections +cherished in defiance of time. + +As the party became more convivial, the mirth began to assume a broader +form. Tom Durfy drew out Moriarty on the subject of his services, that +the mock colonel might throw every new achievement into the shade; +and this he did in the most barefaced manner, but mixing so much of +probability with his audacious fiction, that those who were not up to +the joke only supposed him to be _a very great romancer_; while those +friends who were in Loftus' confidence exhibited a most capacious +stomach for the marvellous, and backed up his lies with a ready +credence. If Moriarty told some fearful incident of a tiger hunt, the +colonel capped it with something more wonderful, of slaughtering lions +in a wholesale way, like rabbits. When Moriarty expatiated on the +intensity of tropical heat, the colonel would upset him with something +more appalling. + +"Now, sir," said Loftus, "let me ask you what is the greatest amount of +heat you have ever experienced--I say _experienced_, not _heard_ of--for +that goes for nothing. I always speak from experience." + +"Well, sir," said Moriarty, "I have known it to be so hot in India, that +I have had a hole dug in the ground under my tent, and sat in it, +and put a table standing over the hole, to try and guard me from the +intolerable fervour of the eastern sun, and even _then_ I was hot. What +do you say to that, colonel?" asked Moriarty, triumphantly. + +"Have you ever been in the West Indies?" inquired Loftus. + +"Never," said Moriarty, who, once entrapped into this admission, +was directly at the colonel's mercy,--and the colonel launched out +fearlessly. + +"Then, my good sir, you know nothing of heat. I have seen in the West +Indies an umbrella burned over a man's head." + +"Wonderful!" cried Loftus' backers. + +"'T is strange, sir," said Moriarty, "that we have never seen that +mentioned by any writer." + +"Easily accounted for, sir," said Loftus. "'T is so common a +circumstance, that it ceases to be worthy of observation. An author +writing of this country might as well remark that the apple-women are to +be seen sitting at the corners of the streets. That's nothing, sir; +but there are two things of which I have personal knowledge, _rather_ +remarkable. One day of intense heat (even for that climate) I was on +a visit at the plantation of a friend of mine, and it was so +out-o'-the-way scorching, that our lips were like cinders, and we +were obliged to have black slaves pouring sangaree down our throats by +gallons--I don't hesitate to say gallons--and we thought we could +not have survived through the day; but what could _we_ think of _our_ +sufferings, when we heard that several negroes, who had gone to sleep +under the shade of some cocoa-nut trees, had been scalded to death?" + +"Scalded?" said his friends; "burnt, you mean." + +"No, scalded; and _how_ do you think? The intensity of the heat had +cracked the cocoa-nuts, and the boiling milk inside dropped down and +produced the fatal result. The same day a remarkable accident occurred +at the battery; the French were hovering round the island at the time, +and the governor, being a timid man, ordered the guns to be always kept +loaded." + +"I never heard of such a thing in a battery in my life, sir," said +Moriarty. + +"Nor I either," said Loftus, "till then." + +"What was the governor's name, sir?" inquired Moriarty, pursuing his +train of doubt. + +"You must excuse me, captain, from naming him," said Loftus, with +readiness, "after _incautiously_ saying he was _timid_." + +"Hear, hear!" said all the friends. + +"But to pursue my story, sir:--the guns were loaded, and with the +intensity of the heat went off, one after another, and quite riddled one +of his Majesty's frigates that was lying in the harbour." + +"That's one of the most difficult riddles to comprehend I ever heard," +said Moriarty. + +"The frigate answered the riddle with her guns, sir, I promise you." + +"What!" exclaimed Moriarty, "fire on the fort of her own king?" + +"There is an honest principle exists among sailors, sir, to return fire +under all circumstances, wherever it comes from, friend or foe. Fire, of +which they know the value so well, they won't take from anybody." + +"And what was the consequence?" said Moriarty. + +"Sir, it was the most harmless broadside ever delivered from the ports +of a British frigate; not a single house or human being was injured--the +day was so hot that every sentinel had sunk on the ground in utter +exhaustion--the whole population were asleep; the only loss of +life which occurred was that of a blue macaw, which belonged to the +commandant's daughter." + +"Where was the macaw, may I beg to know?" said Moriarty, +cross-questioning the colonel in the spirit of a counsel for the defence +on a capital indictment. + +"In the drawing-room window, sir." + +"Then surely the ball must have done some damage in the house?" + +"Not the least, sir," said Loftus, sipping his wine. + +"Surely, colonel!" returned Moriarty, warming, "the ball could not have +killed the macaw without injuring the house?" + +"My dear sir," said Tom, "I did not say the _ball_ killed the macaw, I +said the macaw was killed; but _that_ was in consequence of a splinter +from an _epaulement_ of the south-east angle of the fort which the +shot struck and glanced off harmlessly--except for the casualty of the +macaw." + +Moriarty returned a kind of grunt, which implied that, though he could +not further _question_, he did not _believe_. Under such circumstances, +taking snuff is a great relief to a man; and, as it happened, Moriarty, +in taking snuff, could gratify his nose and his vanity at the same time, +for he sported a silver-gilt snuff-box which was presented to him in +some extraordinary way, and bore a grand inscription. + +On this "piece of plate" being produced, of course it went round the +table, and Moriarty could scarcely conceal the satisfaction he felt as +each person read the engraven testimonial of his worth. When it had gone +the circuit of the board, Tom Loftus put his hand into his pocket and +pulled out the butt-end of a rifle, which is always furnished with a +small box, cut out of the solid part of the wood and covered with a +plate of brass acting on a hinge. This box, intended to carry small +implements for the use of the rifleman, to keep his piece in order, was +filled with snuff, and Tom said, as he laid it down on the table, "This +is _my_ snuff-box, gentlemen; not as handsome as my gallant friend's at +the opposite side of the table, but extremely interesting to me. It was +previous to one of our dashing affairs in Spain that our riflemen were +thrown out in front and on the flanks. The rifles were supported by the +light companies of the regiments in advance, and it was in the latter +duty I was engaged. We had to feel our way through a wood, and had +cleared it of the enemy, when, as we debouched from the wood on the +opposite side, we were charged by an overwhelming force of Polish +lancers and cuirassiers. Retreat was impossible--resistance almost +hopeless. 'My lads,' said I, 'we must do something _novel_ here, or we +are lost--startle them by fresh practice--the bayonet will no longer +avail you--club your muskets, and hit the horses over the noses, and +they'll smell danger.' They took my advice; of course we first delivered +a withering volley, and then to it we went in flail-fashion, thrashing +away with the butt-ends of our muskets; and sure enough the French were +astonished and driven back in amazement. So tremendous, sir, was the +hitting on our side, that in many instances the butt-ends of the muskets +snapped off like tobacco-pipes, and the field was quite strewn with them +after the affair: I picked one of them up as a little memento of the +day, and have used it ever since as a snuff-box." + +Every one was amused by the outrageous romancing of the colonel but +Moriarty, who looked rather disgusted, because he could not edge in a +word of his own at all; he gave up the thing now in despair, for the +colonel had it all his own way, like the bull in a china-shop; the more +startling the bouncers he told, the more successful were his anecdotes, +and he kept pouring them out with the most astounding rapidity; and +though all voted him the greatest liar they ever met, none suspected he +was not a military man. + +Dick wanted Edward O'Connor, who sat beside him, to sing; but Edward +whispered, "For Heaven's sake don't stop the flow of the lava from that +mighty eruption of lies!--he's a perfect Vesuvius of mendacity. You'll +never meet his like again, so make the most of him while you have him. +Pray, sir," said Edward to the colonel, "have you ever been in any of +the cold climates? I am induced to ask you, from the very wonderful +anecdotes you have told of the hot ones." + +"Bless you, sir, I know every corner about the north pole." + +"In which of the expeditions, may I ask, were you engaged?" inquired +Moriarty. + +"In none of them, sir. We knocked up a _little amateur party_, I and a +few curious friends, and certainly we witnessed wonders. You talk here +of a sharp wind; but the wind is so sharp there that it cut off our +beard and whiskers. Boreas is a great barber, sir, with his north pole +for a sign. Then as for frost!--I could tell you such incredible things +of its intensity; our butter, for instance, was as hard as a rock; we +were obliged to knock it off with a chisel and hammer, like a mason at +a piece of granite, and it was necessary to be careful of your eyes at +breakfast, the splinters used to fly about so; indeed, one of the party +_did_ lose the use of his eye from a butter-splinter. But the oddest +thing of all was to watch two men talking to each other: you could +observe the words, as they came out of their mouths, suddenly frozen and +dropping down in little pellets of ice at their feet, so that, after a +long conversation, you might see a man standing up to his knees in his +own eloquence." + +They all roared with laughter at this last touch of the marvellous, but +Loftus preserved his gravity. + +"I don't wonder, gentlemen, at your not receiving that as truth--I told +you it was incredible--in short, that is the reason I have resisted +all temptations to publish. Murray, Longmans, Colburn, Bentley, ALL +the publishers have offered me unlimited terms, but I have always +refused--not that I am a rich man, which makes the temptation of the +thousands I might realise the harder to withstand; 't is not that the +gold is not precious to me, but there is something dearer to me +than gold--_it is my character for veracity!_ and therefore, as I am +convinced the public would not believe the wonders I have witnessed, +I confine the recital of my adventures to the social circle. But +what profession affords such scope for varied incident as that of the +soldier? Change of clime, danger, vicissitude, love, war, privation one +day, profusion the next, darkling dangers, and sparkling joys! Zounds! +there's nothing like the life of a soldier! and, by the powers! I'll +give you a song in its praise." + +The proposition was received with cheers, and Tom rattled away these +ringing rhymes-- + +THE BOWLD SOJER BOY + + "Oh there's not a trade that's going + Worth showing, + Or knowing, + Like that from glory growing, + For a bowld sojer boy; + Where right or left we go, + Sure you know, + Friend or foe + Will have the hand or toe + From a bowld sojer boy! + There's not a town we march thro', + But the ladies, looking arch thro' + The window-panes, will search thro' + The ranks to find their joy; + While up the street, + Each girl you meet, + Will look so sly, + Will cry + 'My eye! + Oh, isn't he a darling, the bowld sojer boy!' + +II + + "But when we get the route, + How they pout + And they shout + While to the right about + Goes the bowld sojer boy. + Oh, 'tis then that ladies fair + In despair + Tear their hair, + But 'the divil-a-one I care,' + Says the bowld sojer boy. + For the world is all before us, + Where the landladies adore us, + And ne'er refuse to score us, + But chalk us up with joy; + We taste her tap, + We tear her cap'-- + 'Oh, that's the chap + For me!' + Says she; + 'Oh, isn't he a darling, the bowld sojer boy.' + +III + + "'Then come along with me, + Gramachree, + And you'll see + How happy you will be + With your bowld sojer boy; + 'Faith! if you're up to fun, + With me run; + 'T will be done + In the snapping of a gun,' + Says the bowld sojer boy; + 'And 't is then that, without scandal, + Myself will proudly dandle + The little farthing candle + Of our mutual flame, my joy! + May his light shine + As bright as mine, + Till in the line + He'll blaze, + And raise + The glory of his corps, like a bowld sojer boy!'" + +Andy entered the room while the song was in progress, and handed a +letter to Dick, which, after the song was over, and he had asked pardon +of his guests, he opened. + +"By Jove! you sing right well, colonel," said one of the party. + +"I think the gallant colonel's songs nothing in comparison with his +_wonderful_ stories," said Moriarty. + +"Gentlemen," said Dick, "wonderful as the colonel's recitals have been, +this letter conveys a piece of information more surprising than anything +we have heard this day. That stupid fellow who spoiled our champagne has +come in for the inheritance of a large property." + +"What!--Handy Andy?" exclaimed those who knew his name. + +"Handy Andy," said Dick, "is now a man of fortune!" + + + + +CHAPTER XLVIII + + +It was a note from Squire Egan which conveyed the news to Dick that +caused so much surprise; the details of the case were not even hinted +at; the bare fact alone was mentioned, with a caution to preserve +it still a secret from Andy, and appointing an hour for dinner at +"Morrison's" next day, at which hotel the Squire expected to arrive from +the country, with his lady and Fanny Dawson, _en route_ for London. Till +dinner-time, then, the day following, Dick was obliged to lay by his +impatience as to the "why and wherefore" of Andy's sudden advancement; +but, as the morning was to be occupied with Tom Durfy's wedding, Dick +had enough to keep him engaged in the meantime. + +At the appointed hour a few of Tom's particular friends were in +attendance to witness the ceremony, or, to use their own phrase, "to see +him turned off," and among them was Tom Loftus. Dick was holding out his +hand to "the colonel," when Tom Durfy stepped between, and introduced +him under his real name. The masquerading trick of the night before was +laughed at, with an assurance from Dick that it only fulfilled all he +had ever heard of the Protean powers of a gentleman whom he so much +wished to know. A few minutes' conversation in the recess of a window +put Tom Loftus and Dick the Devil on perfectly good terms, and Loftus +proposed to Dick that they should execute the old-established trick on a +bridegroom, of snatching the first kiss from the bride. + +"You must get in Tom's way," said Loftus, "and I'll kiss her." + +"Why, the fact is," said Dick, "I had proposed that pleasure to myself; +and, if it's all the same to you, _you_ can jostle Tom, and _I'll_ do +the remainder in good style, I promise you." + +"That I can't agree to," said Loftus; "but as it appears we both have +set our heart on cheating the bridegroom, let us both start fair, and 't +is odd if between us Tom Durfy is not _done_" + +This was agreed upon, and many minutes did not elapse till the bride +made her appearance, and "hostilities were about to commence." The +mutual enemy of the "high contracting parties" first opened his book, +and then his mouth, and in such solemn tones, that it was enough to +frighten _even_ a widow, much less a bachelor. As the ceremony verged +to a conclusion, Tom Loftus and Dick the Devil edged up towards their +'vantage-ground on either side of the blooming widow, now nearly +finished into a wife, and stood like greyhounds in the slip, ready to +start after puss (only puss ought to be spelt here with a B). The widow, +having been married before, was less nervous than Durfy, and, suspecting +the intended game, determined to foil both the brigands, who intended to +rob the bridegroom of his right; so, when the last word of the ceremony +was spoken, and Loftus and Dick made a simultaneous dart upon her, she +very adroitly ducked, and allowed the two "ruggers and rievers" to rush +into each other's arms, and rub their noses together, while Tom Durfy +and his blooming bride sealed their contract very agreeably without +their noses getting in each other's way. + +Loftus and Dick had only a laugh at _their own_ expense, instead of +a kiss at _Tom's_, upon the failure of their plot; but Loftus, in a +whisper to Dick, vowed he would execute a trick upon the "pair of them" +before the day was over. + +There was a breakfast as usual, and chicken and tongue and wine, which, +taken in the morning, are provocative of eloquence; and, of course, the +proper quantity of healths and toasts were executed _selon la rglei,_ +it was time for the bride and bridegroom to bow and blush and curtsey +out of the room, and make themselves food for a paragraph in the morning +papers, under the title of the "happy pair," who set off in a handsome +chariot, &c., &c. + + * * * * * + +Tom Durfy had engaged a pretty cottage in the neighbourhood of Clontarf +to pass the honeymoon. Tom Loftus knew this, and knew, moreover, that +the sitting-room looked out on a small lawn which lay before the house, +screened by a hedge from the road, but with a circular sweep leading +up to the house, and a gate of ingress and egress at either end of the +hedge. In this sitting-room Tom, after lunch, was pressing his lady fair +to take a glass of champagne, when the entrance-gate was thrown open, +and a hackney jaunting-car with Tom Loftus and a friend or two upon +it, driven by a special ragamuffin blowing a tin horn, rolled up the +skimping avenue, and as it scoured past the windows of the sitting-room, +Tom Loftus and the other passengers kissed hands to the astonished bride +and bridegroom, and shouted, "Wish you joy!" + +The thing was so sudden that Durfy and the widow, not seeing Loftus, +could hardly comprehend what it meant, and both ran to the window; but +just as they reached it, up drove another car, freighted with two or +three more wild rascals who followed the lead which had been given them; +and as a long train of cars were seen in the distance all driving up +to the avenue, the widow, with a timid little scream, threw her +handkerchief over her face and ran into a corner. Tom did not know +whether to laugh or be angry, but, being a good-humoured fellow, he +satisfied himself with a few oaths against the incorrigible Loftus, and +when the _cortge_ had passed, endeavoured to restore the startled fair +one to her serenity. + + * * * * * + +Squire Egan and party arrived at the appointed hour at their hotel, +where Dick was waiting to receive them, and, of course, his inquiries +were immediately directed to the extraordinary circumstance of Andy's +elevation, the details of which he desired to know. These we shall not +give in the expanded form in which Dick heard them, but endeavour +to condense, as much as possible, within the limits to which we are +prescribed. + +The title of Scatterbrain had never been inherited directly from father +to son; it had descended in a zigzag fashion, most appropriate to +the name, nephews and cousins having come in for the coronet and the +property for some generations. The late lord had led a _rou_ bachelor +life up to the age of sixty, and then thought it not worth while to +marry, though many mammas and daughters spread their nets and arrayed +their charms to entrap the sexagenarian. + +The truth was, he had quaffed the cup of licentious pleasure all his +life, after which he thought matrimony would prove insipid. The mere +novelty induces some men, under similar circumstances, to try the holy +estate; but matrimony could not offer to Lord Scatterbrain the charms of +novelty, for _he had been_ once married, though no one but himself was +cognisant of the fact. + +The reader will certainly say, "Here's an Irish bull; how could a man be +married, without, at least, a woman and a priest being joint possessors +of the secret?" + +Listen, gentle reader, and you shall hear how none but Lord Scatterbrain +knew Lord Scatterbrain was married. + +There was nothing at which he ever stopped for the gratification of +his passions--no wealth he would not squander, no deceit he would +not practise, no disguise he would not assume. Therefore, gold, and +falsehood, and masquerading were extensively employed by this reckless +_rou_ in the service of Venus, in which service, combined with that of +Bacchus, his life was entirely passed. + +Often he assumed the guise of a man in humble life, to approximate some +object of his desire, whom fine clothes and bribery would have instantly +warned and in too many cases his artifices were successful. It was in +one of these adventures he cast his eyes upon the woman hitherto known +in this story under the name of the Widow Rooney; but all his practices +against her virtue were unavailing, and nothing but a marriage could +accomplish what he had set his fancy upon but even _this_ would not stop +him, _for he married her_. + +The Widow Rooney has appeared no very inviting personage through these +pages, and the reader may wonder that a man of rank could proceed to +such desperate lengths upon such slight temptation; but, gentle +reader, she was young and attractive when she was married--never to say +_handsome_, but good-looking decidedly, and with that sort of figure +which is comprehended in the phrase "a fine girl." + +And has that fine girl altered into the Widow Rooney? Ah! poverty and +hardship are sore trials to the body as well as to the mind. Too little +is it considered, while we gaze on aristocratic beauty, how much good +food, soft lying, warm wrapping, ease of mind, have to do with the +attractions which command our admiration. Many a hand moulded by +nature to give elegance of form to a kid glove, is "stinted of its fair +proportion" by grubbing toil. The foot which might have excited the +admiration of a ball-room, peeping under a flounce of lace in a satin +shoe, and treading the mazy dance, _will_ grow coarse and broad by +tramping in its native state over toilsome miles, bearing perchance to +a market town some few eggs, whose whole produce would not purchase the +sandal-tie of my lady's slipper; will grow red and rough by standing in +wet trenches, and feeling the winter's frost. The neck on which diamonds +might have worthily sparkled, will look less tempting when the biting +winter has hung icicles there for gems. Cheeks formed as fresh for +dimpling blushes, eyes as well to sparkle, and lips to smile, as those +which shed their brightness and their witchery in the tapestried saloon, +will grow pale with want, and forget their dimples, when smiles are +not there to wake them; lips become compressed and drawn with anxious +thought, and eyes the brightest are quenched of their fires by many +tears. + +Of all these trials poor Widow Rooney had enough. Her husband, after +living with her a month, in the character of a steward to some great man +in a distant part of the country, left her one day for the purpose +of transacting business at a fair, which, he said, would require his +absence for some time. At the end of a week, a letter was sent to her, +stating that the make-believe steward had robbed his master extensively, +and had fled to America, whence he promised to write to her, and send +her means to follow him, requesting, in the meantime, her silence, in +case any inquiry should be made about him. This villanous trick was +played off the more readily, from the fact that a steward had absconded +at the time, and the difference in the name the cruel profligate +accounted for by saying that, as he was hiding at the moment he married +her, he had assumed another name. + +The poor deserted girl, fully believing this trumped-up tale, obeyed +with unflinching fidelity the injunctions of her betrayer; and while +reports were flying abroad of the absconded steward, she never breathed +a word of, what had been confided to her, and accounted for the absence +of "Rooney" in various ways of her own; so that all trace of the +profligate was lost, by her remaining inactive in making the smallest +inquiry about him, and her very fidelity to her betrayer became the +means of her losing all power of procuring his discovery. For months she +trusted all was right; but when moon followed moon, and she gave birth +to a boy without hearing one word of his father, misgiving came upon +her, and the only consolation left her was, that, though she was +deserted, and a child left on her hands, still she was _an honest +woman_. That child was the hero of our tale. The neighbours passed some +ill-natured remarks about her, when it began to be suspected that her +husband would never let her know more about him; for she had been rather +a saucy lady, holding up her nose at poor men, and triumphing in her +catching of the "steward," a man well to do in the world; and it may be +remembered, that this same spirit existed in her when Andy's rumoured +marriage with Matty gave the prospect of her affairs being retrieved, +for she displayed her love of pre-eminence to the very first person who +gave her the good news. The ill-nature of her neighbours, however, after +the birth of her child and the desertion of her husband, inducing her +to leave the scene of her unmerited wrongs and annoyances, she suddenly +decamped, and, removing to another part of Ireland, the poor woman began +a life of hardship, to support herself and rear the offspring of her +unfortunate marriage. In this task she was worthily assisted by one of +her brothers, who pitied her condition, and joined her in her retreat. +He married in course of time, and his wife died in giving birth to +Oonah, who was soon deprived of her other parent by typhus fever, that +terrible scourge of the poor; so that the praiseworthy desire of the +brother to befriend his sister only involved her, as it happened, in the +deeper difficulty of supporting two children instead of one. This she +did heroically, and the orphan girl rewarded her, by proving a greater +comfort than her own child; for Andy had inherited in all its raciness +the blood of the Scatterbrains, and his deeds, as recorded in this +history, prove he was no unworthy representative of that illustrious +title. To return to his father--who had done the grievous wrong to the +poor peasant girl: he lived his life of profligacy through, and in +a foreign country died at last; but on his death-bed the scourge of +conscience rendered every helpless hour an age of woe. Bitterest of all +was the thought of the wife deceived, deserted, and unacknowledged. To +face his last account with such fearful crime upon his head he dared +not, and made all the reparation now in his power, by avowing his +marriage in his last will and testament, and giving all the information +in his power to trace his wife, if living, or his heir, if such existed. +He enjoined, by the most sacred injunctions upon him to whom the charge +was committed, that neither cost nor trouble should be spared in the +search, leaving a large sum in ready money besides, to establish the +right, in case his nephew disputed the will. By his own order, his death +was kept secret, and secretly his agent set to work to discover any +trace of the heir. This, in consequence of the woman changing her place +of abode, became more difficult and it was not until after very minute +inquiry that some trace was picked up, and a letter written to the +parish priest of the district to which she had removed, making certain +general inquiries. It was found, on comparing dates some time after, +that it was this very letter to Father Blake which Andy had purloined +from the post-office, and the Squire had thrown into the fire; so that +our hero was very near, by his blundering, destroying his own fortune. +Luckily for him, however, an untiring and intelligent agent was engaged +in his cause, and a subsequent inquiry, and finally a personal visit to +Father Blake, cleared the matter up satisfactorily, and the widow was +enabled to produce such proof of her identity, and that of her son, that +Handy Andy was indisputably Lord Scatterbrain; and the whole affair was +managed so secretly, that the death of the late lord, and the claim of +title and estates in the name of the rightful heir, were announced at +the same moment; and the "Honourable Sackville," instead of coming into +possession of the peerage and property, and fighting his adversary at +the great advantage of possession, could only commence a suit to drive +him out, if he sued at all. + +Our limits compel us to this brief sketch of the circumstances through +which Handy Andy was entitled to and became possessed of a property and +a title, and we must now say something of the effects produced by the +intelligence on the parties most concerned. + +The Honourable Sackville Scatterbrain, on the advice of high legal +authority, did not attempt to dispute a succession of which such +satisfactory proofs existed, and, fortunately for himself, had knocked +up a watering-place match, while he was yet in the bloom of +heirship _presumptive_ to a peerage, with the daughter of an English +_millionaire_. + +When the Widow Rooney heard the extraordinary turn affairs had taken, +her emotions, after the first few hours of pleasurable surprise, partook +of regret rather than satisfaction. She looked upon her past life of +suffering, and felt as if Fate had cheated her. She, a peeress, had +passed her life in poverty and suffering, with contempt from those over +whom she had superior rights; and the few years of the prosperous future +before her offered her poor compensation for the pinching past. But +after such selfish considerations, the maternal feeling came to her +relief, and she rejoiced that _her son_ was a lord. But then came the +terrible thought of his marriage to dash her joy and triumph. + +This was a source of grief to Oonah as well. "If he wasn't married," she +would say to herself, "I might be _Lady_ Scatterbrain;" and the tears +would burst through poor Oonah's fingers as she held them up to her eyes +and sobbed heavily, till the poor girl would try to gather consolation +from the thought that, maybe, Andy's altered circumstances would make +_her_ disregarded. "There would be plenty to have him now," thought she, +"and he wouldn't think of me, maybe--so 't is well as it is." + +When Andy heard that he was a lord--a real lord--and, after the first +shock of astonishment, could comprehend that wealth and power were in +his possession, he, though the most interested person, never thought, +as the two women had done, of the desperate strait in which his marriage +placed him, but broke out into short peals of laughter, and exclaimed +in the intervals, "that it was mighty quare;" and when, after much +questioning, any intelligible desire he had could be understood, the +first one he clearly expressed was _"to have a goold watch."_ + +He was made, however, to understand that other things than +"goold watches" were of more importance; and the Squire, with his +characteristic good nature, endeavoured to open Andy's comprehension +to the nature of his altered situation. This, it may be supposed, was +rather a complicated piece of work, and too difficult to be set down +in black and white; the most intelligible portions to Andy were his +immediate removal from servitude, and a ready-made suit of gentlemanly +apparel, which made Andy pay several visits to the looking-glass. +Good-natured as the Squire was, it would have been equally awkward to +him as to Andy for the newly fledged lord, though a lord, to have a seat +at his table, neither could he remain in an inferior position in his +house; so Dick, who loved fun, volunteered to take Andy under his +especial care to London, and let him share his lodgings, as a bachelor +may do many things which a man surrounded by his family cannot. Besides, +in a place distant from such extraordinary chances and changes as those +which befell our hero, the sudden and startling difference of position +of the parties not being known renders it possible for a gentleman to +do the good-natured thing which Dick undertook, without compromising +himself. In Dublin it would not have done for Dick Dawson to allow the +man who would have held his horse the day before, to share the same +board with him merely because Fortune had played one of her frolics and +made Andy a lord; but in London the case was different. + +To London therefore they proceeded. The incidents of the journey, +sea-sickness included, which so astonished the new traveller, we pass +over, as well as the numberless mistakes in the great metropolis, which +afforded Dick plentiful amusement, though, in truth, Dick had better +objects in view than laughing at Andy's embarrassments in his new +position. He really wished to help him in the difficult path into which +the new lord had been thrust, and did this in a merry sort of way more +successfully than by serious drilling. It was hard to break Andy of +the habit of saying "Misther Dick," when addressing him, but, at last, +"Misther Dawson" was established. Eating with his knife, drinking as +loudly as a horse, and other like accomplishments, were not so easily +got under, yet it was wonderful how much he improved, as his shyness +grew less, and his consciousness of being a lord grew stronger. + +But, if the good nature of Dick had not prompted him to take Andy into +training, the newly discovered nobleman would not have long been in +want of society. It was wonderful how many persons were eager to show +civility to his lordship, and some amongst them even went so far as to +discover relationship. Plenty were soon ready to take Lord Scatterbrain +here, and escort him there, accompany him to exhibitions and +other public places, and charmed all the time with his lordship's +remarks--"they were so original"--"quite delightful to meet something +so fresh"--"how remarkably clever the Irish were!" Such were among the +observations his ignorant blunders produced; and he who, as Handy Andy, +had been anathematised all his life as a "stupid rascal," "a +blundering thief," "a thick-headed brute," &c., under the title of +Lord Scatterbrain all of a sudden was voted "vastly amusing--a little +eccentric, perhaps, but _so_ droll--in fact, so witty!" This was all +very delightful for Andy--so delightful that he quite forgot Bridget +_rhua_. But that lady did not leave him long in his happy obliviousness. +One day, while Dick was absent, and Andy rocking on a chair before +the fire, twirling the massive gold chain of his gold watch round his +forefinger, and uncoiling it again, his repose was suddenly disturbed +by the appearance of Bridget herself, accompanied by _Shan More_ and a +shrimp of a man in rusty black, who turned out to be a shabby attorney +who advanced money to convey his lady client and her brother to London, +for the purpose of making a dash at the lord at once, and securing a +handsome sum by a _coup de main_. + +Andy, though taken by surprise, was resolute. Bitter words were +exchanged; and as they seemed likely to lead to blows, Andy prudently +laid hold of the poker, and, in language not quite suited to a noble +lord, swore he would see what the inside of _Shan More's_ head was made +of, if he attempted to advance upon him. Bridget screamed and +scolded, while the attorney endeavoured to keep the peace, and, beyond +everything, urged Lord Scatterbrain to enter at once into written +engagements for a handsome settlement upon his "lady." + +"Lady!" exclaimed Andy; "oh!--a pretty _lady_ she is!" + +"I'm as good a lady as you are a lord, anyhow," cried Bridget. + +"Altercation will do no good, my lord and my lady," said the attorney; +"let me suggest the propriety of your writing an engagement at once;" +and the little man pushed pen, ink, and paper towards Andy. + +"I can't, I tell you!" cried Andy. + +"You must!" roared _Shan More_. + +"Bad luck to you, how can I when I never larned?" + +"Your lordship can make your mark," said the attorney. + +"'Faith I can--with a poker," cried Andy; "and you'd better take care, +master parchment. Make my mark, indeed!--do you think I'd disgrace +the House o' Peers by lettin' on that a lord couldn't write?--Quit the +buildin', I tell you!" + +In the midst of the row, which now rose to a tremendous pitch, Dick +returned; and after a severe reprimand to the pettifogger for his +sinister attempt on Andy, referred him to Lord Scatterbrain's solicitor. +It was not such an easy matter to silence Bridget, who extended her +claws towards her lord and master in a very menacing manner, calling +down bitter imprecations on her own head if she wouldn't have her +rights. + +Every now and then between the bursts of the storm Andy would exclaim, +"Get out!" + +"My lord," said Dick, "remember your dignity." + +"Av coorse!" said Andy; "but still she must get out!" + +The house was at last cleared of the uproarious party; but though +Andy got rid of their presence, they left their sting behind. Lord +Scatterbrain felt, for the first time, that a lord can be very unhappy. + +Dick hurried him away at once to the chambers of the law agent, but he, +being closeted on some very important business with another client on +their arrival, returned an answer to their application for a conference, +which they forwarded through the double doors of this sanctum by a +hard-looking man with a pen behind his ear, that he could not have the +pleasure of seeing them till the next morning. Lord Scatterbrain passed +a more unhappy night than he had ever done in his life--even than that +when he was tied up to the old tree--croaked at by ravens, and the +despised of rats. + +Negotiations were opened the next day between the pettifogger on +Bridget's side and the law agent of the noble lord, and the arguments, +_pro and con.,_ lay thus: + +In the first place, the opening declaration was--Lord Scatterbrain never +would live with the aforesaid Bridget. + +Answered--that nevertheless, as she was his lawful wife, a provision +suitable to her rank must be made. + +They (the claimants) were asked to name a sum. + +The sum was considered exorbitant; it being argued that when her +husband had determined never to live with her, he was in a far +different condition, therefore it was unfair to seek so large a separate +maintenance now. + +The pettifogger threatened that Lady Scatterbrain would run in debt, +which Lord Scatterbrain must discharge. My Lord's agent suggested +that my Lady would be advertised in the public papers, and the public +cautioned against giving her credit. + +A sum could not be agreed upon, though a fair one was offered on Andy's +part; for the greediness of the pettifogger, who was to have a share of +the plunder, made him hold out for more, and negotiations were broken +off for some days. + +Poor Andy was in a wretched state of vexation. It was bad enough that +he was married to this abominable woman, without an additional plague of +being persecuted by her. To such an amount this rose at last, that she +and her big brother dodged him every time he left the house, so that +in self-defence he was obliged to become a close prisoner in his own +lodgings. All this at last became so intolerable to the captive, that +he urged a speedy settlement of the vexatious question, and a larger +separate maintenance was granted to the detestable woman than would +otherwise have been ceded, the only stipulation of a stringent nature +made being, that Lord Scatterbrain should be free from the persecutions +of his hateful wife for the future. + + + + +CHAPTER XLIX + + +Squire Egan, with his lady and Fanny Dawson, had now arrived in London; +Murtough Murphy, too, had joined them, his services being requisite in +working the petition against the return of the sitting member for the +county. This had so much promise of success about it, that the opposite +party, who had the sheriff for the county in their interest, bethought +of a novel expedient to frustrate the petition when a reference to the +poll was required. + +They declared the principal poll-book was lost. + +This seemed not very satisfactory to one side of the committee, and the +question was asked, "how could it be lost?" The answer was one which +Irish contrivance alone could have invented: _"It fell into a pot of +broth, and the dog ate it."_ [Footnote: If not this identical answer, +something like it was given on a disputed Irish election, before a +Committee of the House of Commons.] + +This protracted the contest for some time; but eventually, in spite of +the dog's devouring knowledge so greedily, the Squire was declared duly +elected and took the oaths and his seat for the county. + +It was hard on Sackville Scatterbrain to lose his seat in the house and +a peerage, nearly at once; but the latter loss threw the former so far +into the shade, that he scarcely felt it. Besides, he could +console himself with having buttered his crumbs pretty well in the +marriage-market; and, with a rich wife, retired from senatorial drudgery +to private repose, which was much more congenial to his easy temper. + +But while the Squire's happy family circle was rejoicing in his +triumph--while he was invited to the Speaker's dinners, and the ladies +were looking forward to tickets for "the lantern," their pleasure was +suddenly dashed by fatal news from Ireland. + +A serious accident had befallen Major Dawson--so serious, that his life +was despaired of; and an immediate return to Ireland by all who were +interested in his life was the consequence. + +Though the suddenness of this painful event shocked his family, the +act which caused it did not surprise them; for it was one against which +Major Dawson had been repeatedly cautioned, involving a danger he had +been affectionately requested not to tempt; but the habitual obstinacy +of his nature prevailed, and he persisted in doing that which his +son--and his daughters--and friends--prophesied _would_ kill him some +time or other, and _did_, at last. The Major had three little iron guns, +mounted on carriages, on a terrace in front of his house; and it was his +wont to fire a salute on certain festival days from these guns, which, +from age and exposure to the weather, became dangerous to use. It was in +vain that this danger was represented to him. He would reply, with his +accustomed "Pooh, pooh! I have been firing these guns for forty years, +and they won't do me any harm now." + +This was the prime fault of the Major's character. Time and +circumstances were never taken into account by him; what was done once, +might be done _always_--_ought_ to be done always. The bare thought of +change of any sort, to him, was unbearable; and whether it was a rotten +old law or a rotten old gun, he would charge both up to the muzzle and +fire away, regardless of consequences. The result was, that on a certain +festival his _favourite_ gun burst in discharging; and the last mortal +act of which the Major was conscious, was that of putting the port-fire +to the touchhole, for a heavy splinter of iron struck him on the head, +and though he lived for some days afterwards, he was insensible. Before +his children arrived he was no more; and the only duty left them to +perform was the melancholy one of ordering his funeral. + +The obsequies of the old Major were honoured by a large and +distinguished attendance from all parts of the country; and amongst +those who bore the pall was Edward O'Connor, who had the melancholy +gratification of testifying his respect beside the grave of Fanny's +father, though the severe old man had banished him from his presence +during his lifetime. + +But now all obstacle to the union of Edward and Fanny was removed; and +after the lapse of a few days had softened the bitter grief which this +sudden bereavement of her father had produced, Edward received a note +from Dick, inviting him to the manor-house, where _all_ would be glad to +see him. + +In a few minutes after the receipt of that note Edward was in his +saddle, and swiftly leaving the miles behind him till, from the top of +a rising ground, the roof of the manor-house appeared above the trees +in which it was embosomed. He had not till then slackened his speed; but +now drawing rein, he proceeded at a slower pace towards the house he had +not entered for some years, and the sight of which awakened such varied +emotions. + +To return after long years of painful absence to some place which has +been the scene of our former joys, and whence the force of circumstance, +and not choice, has driven us, is oppressive to the heart. There is a +mixed sense of regret and rejoicing, which struggle for predominance; +we rejoice that our term of exile has expired, but we regret the years +which that exile has deducted from the brief amount of human life, never +to be recalled, and therefore as so much _lost_ to us. We think of the +wrong or the caprice of which we have been the victims, and thoughts +will stray across the most confiding heart, if friends shall meet as +fondly as they parted; or if time, while impressing deeper marks upon +the _outward_ form, may have obliterated some impressions _within_. Who +has returned after years of absence, however assured of the unflinching +fidelity of the love he left behind, without saying to himself, in the +pardonable yearning of affection, "Shall I meet smiles as bright as +those that used to welcome me? Shall I be pressed as fondly within the +arms whose encompassment were to me the pale of all earthly enjoyment?" + +Such thoughts crowded on Edward as he approached the house. There was +not a lane, or tree, or hedge, by the way, that had not for him +its association. He reached the avenue gate; as he flung it open he +remembered the last time he passed it; Fanny had then leaned on his +arm. He felt himself so much excited, that, instead of riding up to the +house, he took the private path to the stables, and throwing down the +reins to a boy, he turned into a shrubbery and endeavoured to recover +his self-command before he should present himself. As he emerged from +the sheltered path and turned into a walk which led to the garden, a +small conservatory was opened to his view, awaking fresh sensations. +It was in that very place he had first ventured to declare his love to +Fanny. There she heard and frowned not; there, where nature's choicest +sweets were exhaling, he had first pressed her to his heart, and thought +the balmy sweetness of her lips beyond them all. He hurried forward in +the enthusiasm the recollection recalled, to enter that spot consecrated +in his memory; but on arriving at the door, he suddenly stopped, for he +saw Fanny within. She was plucking a geranium--the flower she had been +plucking some years before, when Edward said he loved her. She, all that +morning, had been under the influence of feelings similar to Edward's; +had felt the same yearnings--the same tender doubts--the same fond +solicitude that he should be the same Edward from whom she parted. +But she thought of _more_ than this; with the exquisitely delicate +contrivance belonging to woman's nature, she wished to give him a signal +of her fond recollection, and was plucking the flower she gathered +when he declared his love, to place on her bosom when they should meet. +Edward felt the meaning of her action, as the graceful hand broke the +flower from its stem. He would have rushed towards her at once, but that +the deep mourning in which she was arrayed seemed to command a gentler +approach; for grief commands respect. He advanced softly--she heard a +gentle step behind her--turned--uttered a faint exclamation of joy, and +sank into his arms! In a few moments she recovered her consciousness, +and opening her sweet eyes upon him, breathed softly, "dear +Edward!"--and the lips which, in two words, had expressed so much, +were impressed with a fervent kiss in the blessed consciousness of +possession, on that very spot where the first timid and doubting word of +love had been spoken. + +In that moment he was rewarded for all his years of absence and anxiety. +His heart was satisfied; he felt he was dear as ever to the woman he +idolised, and the short and hurried beating of _both_ their hearts told +more than words could express. Words!--what were words to them?--thought +was too swift for their use, and feeling too strong for their utterance; +but they drank from each other's eyes large draughts of delight, and, +in the silent pressure of each other's welcoming embrace, felt how truly +they loved each other. + +He led her gently from the conservatory, and they exchanged words of +affection "soft and low," as they sauntered through the wooded path +which surrounded the house. That live-long day they wandered up and down +together, repeating again and again the anxious yearnings which occupied +their years of separation, yet asking each other was not all more than +repaid by the gladness of the present-- + +"Yet _how_ painful has been the past!" exclaimed Edward. + +"But _now!_" said Fanny, with a gentle pressure of her tiny hand on +Edward's arm, and looking up to him with her bright eyes--"but _now!_" + +"True, darling!" he cried; "'tis ungrateful to think of the past while +enjoying such a present and with such a future before me. Bless that +cheerful heart, and those hope-inspiring glances! Oh, Fanny! in the +wilderness of life there are springs and palm-trees--you are both to +me! and heaven has set its own mark upon you in those laughing blue eyes +which might set despair at defiance." + +"Poetical as ever, Edward!" said Fanny, laughing. + +"Sit down, dearest, for a moment, on this old tree, beside me; 'tis not +the first time I have strung rhymes in your presence and your praise." +He took a small note-book from his pocket, and Fanny looked on smilingly +as Edward's pencil rapidly ran over the leaf and traced the lover's +tribute to his mistress. + +THE SUNSHINE IN YOU + +I + + "It is sweet when we look round the wide world's waste + To know that the desert bestows + The palms where the weary heart may rest, + The spring that in purity flows. + And where have I found + In this wilderness round + That spring and that shelter so true; + Unfailing in need, + And my own, indeed?-- + Oh! dearest, I've found it in you! + +II + + "And, oh when the cloud of some darkening hour + O'ershadows the soul with its gloom, + Then where is the light of the vestal pow'r, + The lamp of pale Hope to illume? + Oh! the light ever lies + In those bright fond eyes, + Where Heaven has impressed its own blue + As a seal from the skies + As my heart relies + On that gift of its sunshine in you!" + +Fanny liked the lines, of course. "Dearest," she said, "may I always +prove sunshine to you! Is it not a strange coincidence that these lines +exactly fit a little air which occurred to me some time ago?" + +"'Tis odd," said Edward; "sing it to me, darling." + +Fanny took the verses from his hand, and sung them to her own measure. +Oh, happy triumph of the poet!--to hear his verses wedded to sweet +sounds, and warbled by the woman he loves! Edward caught up the strain, +adding his voice to hers in harmony, and thus they sauntered homewards, +trolling their ready-made duet together. There were not two happier +hearts in the world that day than those of Fanny Dawson and Edward +O'Connor. + + + + +CHAPTER L + + +Respect for the memory of Major Dawson of course prevented the immediate +marriage of Edward and Fanny; but the winter months passed cheerfully +away in looking forward to the following autumn which should witness +the completion of their happiness. Though Edward was thus tempted by +the society of the one he loved best in the world, it did not make him +neglect the duties he had undertaken in behalf of Gustavus. Not only did +he prosecute his reading with him regularly, but he took no small pains +in looking after the involved affairs of the family, and strove to make +satisfactory arrangements with those whose claims were gnawing away the +estate to nothing. Though the years of Gusty's minority were but few, +still they would give the estate some breathing-time; and creditors, +seeing the minor backed by a man of character, and convinced a sincere +desire existed to relieve the estate of its encumbrances and pay all +just claims, presented a less threatening front than hitherto, and +listened readily to such terms of accommodation as were proposed +to them. Uncle Robert (for the breaking of whose neck Ratty's pious +aspirations had been raised) behaved very well on the occasion. A loan +from him, and a partial sale of some of the acres, stopped the mouths +of the greedy wolves who fatten on men's ruin, and time and economy were +looked forward to for the discharge of all other debts. Uncle Robert, +having so far acted the friend, was considered entitled to have a +partial voice in the ordering of things at the Hall; and having a notion +that an English accent was genteel, he desired that Gusty and Ratty +should pass a year under the roof of a clergyman in England, who +received a limited number of young gentlemen for the completion of +their education. Gustavus would much rather have remained near Edward +O'Connor, who had already done so much for him; but Edward, though +he regretted parting with Gustavus, recommended him to accede to +his uncle's wishes, though he did not see the necessity of an Irish +gentleman being ashamed of his accent. + +The visit to England, however, was postponed till the spring, and the +winter months were used by Gustavus in availing himself as much as he +could of Edward's assistance in putting him through his classics, +his pride prompting him to present himself creditably to the English +clergyman. + +It was in vain to plead _such_ pride to Ratty, who paid more attention +to shooting than his lessons. His mother strove to persuade--Ratty +was deaf. His "gran" strove to bribe--Ratty was incorruptible. Gusty +argued--Ratty answered after his own fashion. + +"Why won't you learn even a little?" + +"I'm to go to that 'English fellow' in spring, and I shall have no fun +then, so I'm making good use of my time now." + +"Do you call it 'good use' to be so dreadfully idle and shamefully +ignorant?" + +"Bother!--the less I know, the more the English fellow will have to +teach me, and Uncle Bob will have more worth for his money;" and then +Ratty would whistle a jig, fling a fowling-piece over his shoulder, +and shout "Ponto! Ponto! Ponto!" as he traversed the stable-yard; the +delighted pointer would come bounding at the call, and, after circling +round his young master with agile grace and yelps of glee at the sight +of the gun, dash forward to the well-known "bottoms" in eager expectancy +of ducks and snipe. How fared it all this time with the lord of +Scatterbrain? He became established, for the present, in a house that +had been a long time to let in the neighbourhood, and his mother was +placed at the head of it, and Oonah still remained under his protection, +though the daily sight of the girl added to Andy's grief at the +desperate plight in which his ill-starred marriage placed him, to say +nothing of the constant annoyance of his mother's growling at him for +his making "such a Judy of himself;" for the dowager Lady Scatterbrain +could not get rid of her vocabulary at once. Andy's only resource under +these circumstances was to mount his horse and fly. + +As for the dowager Lady Scatterbrain, she had a carriage with "a +picture" on it, as she called the coat of arms, and was fond of driving +past the houses of people who had been uncivil to her. Against Mrs. +Casey (the renowned Matty Dwyer) she entertained an especial spite, in +consideration of her treatment of her beautiful boy and her own pair +of black eyes; so she determined to "pay her off" in her own way, and +stopping one day at the hole in the hedge which served for entrance to +the estate of the "three-cornered field," she sent the footman in to say +the _dowjer_ Lady Scatter_breen_ wanted to speak with "Casey's wife." + +When the servant, according to instructions, delivered this message, he +was sent back with the answer, "that if any lady wanted to see Casey's +wife, 'Casey's wife,' was at home." + +"Oh, go back, and tell the poor woman I don't want to bring her to the +door of my carriage, if it's inconvaynient. I only wished to give her +a little help; and tell her if she sends up eggs to the big house, Lady +Scatterbreen will pay her for them." + +When the servant delivered this message, Matty grew outrageous at the +means "my lady" took of crowing over her, and rushing to the door, with +her face flushed with rage, roared out, "Tell the old baggage I want +none of her custom; let her lay eggs for herself." + +The servant staggered back in amaze; and Matty, feeling he would not +deliver her message, ran to the hole in the hedge and repeated her +answer to my lady herself, with a great deal more which need not be +recorded. Suffice it to say, my lady thought it necessary to pull up the +glass, against which Matty threw a handful of mud; the servant jumped up +on his perch behind the carriage, which was rapidly driven away by the +coachman, but not so fast that Matty could not, by dint of running, keep +it "within range" for some seconds, during which time she contrived to +pelt both coachman and footman with mud, and leave her mark on their +new livery. This was a salutary warning to the old woman, who was more +cautious in her demonstrations of grandeur for the future. If she was +stinted in the enjoyment of her new-born dignity abroad, she could +indulge it at home without let or hindrance, and to this end asked Andy +to let her have a hundred pounds, in one-pound notes, for a particular +purpose. What this purpose was no one was told or could guess, but for +a good while after she used to be closeted by herself for several hours +during the day. + +Andy had his hours of retirement also, for with praiseworthy industry he +strove hard, poor fellow, to lift himself above the state of ignorance, +and had daily attendance from the parish schoolmaster. The mysteries of +"pothooks and hangers" and ABC weighed heavily on the nobleman's mind, +which must have sunk under the burden of scholarship and penmanship, +but for the other "ship"--the horsemanship--which was Andy's daily +self-established reward for his perseverance in his lessons. Besides he +really _could_ ride; and as it was the only accomplishment of which he +was master, it was no wonder he enjoyed the display of it; and, to say +the truth, he did, and that on a first-rate horse too. Having appointed +Murtough Murphy his law-agent, he often rode over to the town to talk +with him, and as Murtough could have some fun and thirteen and fourpence +also per visit, he was always glad to see his "noble friend." The high +road did not suit Andy's notion of things; he preferred the variety, +shortness, and diversion of going across the country on these occasions; +and in one of these excursions, in the most secluded portion of his +ride, which unavoidably lay through some quarries and deep broken +ground, he met "Ragged Nance," who held up her finger as he approached +the gorge of this lonely dell, in token that she would speak with him. +Andy pulled up. + +"Long life to you, my lord," said Nance, dropping a deep curtsey, "and +sure I always liked you since the night you was so bowld for the sake +of the poor girl--the young lady, I mane, now, God bless her--and I just +wish to tell you, my lord, that I think you might as well not be going +these lonely ways, for I see _them_ hanging about here betimes, that +maybe it would not be good for your health to meet; and sure, my lord, +it would be a hard case if you were killed now, havin' the luck of the +sick calf that lived all the winther and died in the summer." + +"Is it that big blackguard, _Shan More_, you mane?" said Andy. + +"No less," said Nance--growing deadly pale as she cast a piercing +glance into the dell, and cried, in a low, hurried tone--"Talk of the +divil--and there he is--I see him peep out from behind a rock." + +"He's running this way," said Andy. + +"Then you run the other way," said Nance; "look there--I see him strive +to hide a blunderbuss under his coat--gallop off, for the love o' God! +or there'll be murther." + +"Maybe there will be that same," said Andy, "if I leave you here, and +he suspects you gave me the hard word." [Footnote: "Hard word" implies a +caution.] + +"Never mind me," said Nance, "save yourself--see, he's moving fast, +he'll be near enough to you soon to fire." + +"Get up behind me," said Andy; "I won't leave you here." + +"Run, I tell you." + +"I won't." + +"God bless you, then," said the woman, as Andy held out his hand and +gripped hers firmly. + +"Put your foot on mine," said Andy. + +The woman obeyed, and was soon seated behind our hero, gripping him fast +by the waist, while he pushed his horse to a fast canter. + +"Hold hard now," said Andy, "for there's a stiff jump here." As he +approached the ditch of which he spoke, two men sprang up from it, and +one fired, as Andy cleared the leap in good style, Nance holding on +gallantly. The horse was not many strokes on the opposite side, when +another shot was fired in their rear, followed by a scream from +the woman. To Andy's inquiry, if she was "kilt," she replied in the +negative, but said "they hurt her sore," and she was "bleeding a power;" +but that she could still hold on, however, and urged him to speed. The +clearance of one or two more leaps gave her grievous pain; but a large +common soon opened before them, which was skirted by a road leading +directly to a farm-house, where Andy left the wounded woman, and then +galloped off for medical aid; this soon arrived, and the wound was found +not to be dangerous, though painful. The bullet had struck and pierced +a tin vessel of a bottle form, in which Nance carried the liquid +gratuities of the charitable, and this not only deadened the force of +the ball, but glanced it also; and the escapement of the butter-milk, +which the vessel contained, Nance had mistaken for the effusion of her +own blood. It was a clear case, however, that if Nance had not been +sitting behind Andy, Lord Scatterbrain would have been a dead man, so +that his gratitude and gallantry towards the poor beggar woman proved +the means of preserving his own life. + + + + +CHAPTER LI + + +The news of the attack on Lord Scatterbrain ran over the country like +wildfire, and his conduct throughout the affair raised his character +wonderfully in the opinion of all classes. Many who had hitherto held +aloof from the mushroom lord, came forward to recognise the manly +fellow, and cards were left at "the big house," which were never seen +there before. The magistrates were active in the affair, and a reward +was immediately offered for the apprehension of the offenders; but +before any active steps could be taken by the authorities, Andy, +immediately after the attack, collected a few stout fellows himself, and +knowing where the den of Shan and his miscreants lay, he set off at the +head of his party to try if he could not secure them himself; but before +he did this, he despatched a vehicle to the farmhouse, where poor Nance +lay wounded, with orders that she should be removed to his own house, +the doctor having said that the transit would not be injurious. + +A short time served to bring Andy and his followers to the private +still, where a little looking about enabled them to discover the +entrance, which was covered by some large stones, and a bunch of furze +placed as a mask to the opening. It was clear that it was impossible for +any persons inside to have thus covered the entrance, and it suggested +the possibility that some of its usual inmates were then absent. +Nevertheless, having such desperate characters to deal with, it was a +service of danger to be leader in the descent to the cavern when the +opening was cleared; but Andy was the first to enter, which he did +boldly, only desiring his attendants to follow him quickly, and give him +support in case of resistance. A lantern had been provided, Andy knowing +the darkness of the den; and the party was thereby enabled to explore +with celerity and certainty the hidden haunt of the desperadoes. The +ashes of the fire were yet warm, but no one was to be seen, till Andy, +drawing the screen of the bed, discovered a man lying in a seemingly +helpless state, breathing with difficulty, and the straw about him +dabbled with blood. On attempting to lift him, the wretch groaned +heavily and muttered, "D--n you, let me alone--you've done for me--I'm +dying." + +The man was gently carried from the cave to the open air, which seemed +slightly to revive him. His eyes opened heavily, but closed again; yet +still he breathed. His wounds were staunched as well as the limited +means and knowledge of the parties present allowed; and the ladder, +drawn up from the cave and overlaid with tufts of heather, served to +bear the sufferer to the nearest house, whence Andy ordered a mounted +messenger to hurry for a doctor. The man seemed to hear what was going +forward, for he faintly muttered, "the priest--the priest." + +Andy, anxious to procure this most essential comfort to the dying man, +went himself in search of Father Blake, whom he found at home, and who +suggested that a magistrate might be also useful upon the occasion; and +as Merryvale lay not much out of the way, Andy made a detour to obtain +the presence of Squire Egan, while Father Blake pushed directly onward +upon his ghostly mission. + +Andy and the Squire arrived soon after the priest had administered +spiritual comfort to the sufferer, who still retained sufficient +strength to make his depositions before the Squire, the purport of which +turned out to be of the utmost importance to Andy. + +This man, it appeared, _was the husband of Bridget_, who had returned +from transportation, and sought his wife and her dear brother, and his +former lawless associates, on reaching Ireland. On finding Bridget +had married again, his anger at her infidelity was endeavoured to be +appeased by the representations made to him that it was a "good job," +inasmuch as "the lord" had been screwed out of a good sum of money by +way of separate maintenance, and that he would share the advantage of +that. When matters were more explained, however, and the convict found +this money was divided among so many, who all claimed right of share +in the plunder, his discontent returned. In the first place, the +pettifogger made a large haul for his services. Shan More swore it was +hard if a woman's own brother was not to be the better for her luck; and +Larry Hogan claimed hush-money, for he could prove Bridget's marriage, +and so upset their scheme of plunder. The convict maintained his claim +as husband was stronger than any; but this, all the others declared, was +an outlandish notion he brought back with him from foreign parts, and +did not prevail in their code of laws by any manner o' means, and even +went so far as to say they thought it hard, after they had "done the +job," that he was to come in and lessen their profit, which he would, as +they were willing to give an even share of the spoil; and after that, +he must be the most discontented villain in the world if he was not +pleased. + +The convict feigned contentment, but meditated at once revenge against +his wife and the gang, and separate profit for himself. He thought he +might stipulate for a good round sum from Lord Scatterbrain, as he could +prove him free of his supposed matrimonial engagement, and inwardly +resolved he would soon pay a visit to his lordship. But his intentions +were suspected by the gang, and a strict watch kept upon him; and though +his dissimulation and contrivance were of no inferior order, Larry Hogan +was his overmatch, and the convict was detected in having been so near +Lord Scatterbrain's dwelling, that they feared their secret, if not +already revealed, was no longer to be trusted to their new confederate's +keeping; and it was deemed advisable to knock him on the head, and shoot +my lord, which they thought would prevent all chance of the invalidity +of the marriage being discovered, and secure the future payment of the +maintenance. + +How promptly the murderous determination was acted upon, the preceding +events prove. Andy's courage in the first part of the affair saved his +life; his promptness in afterwards seeking to secure the offenders +led to the important discovery he had just made; and as the convict's +depositions could be satisfactorily backed by proofs which he showed the +means of obtaining, Andy was congratulated heartily by the Squire and +Father Blake, and rode home in almost delirious delight at the prospect +of making Oonah his wife. On reaching the stables, he threw himself from +his saddle, let the horse make his own way to his stall, dashed through +the back hall, and nearly broke his neck in tumbling up-stairs, burst +open the drawing-room door, and made a rush upon Oonah, whom he hugged +and kissed most outrageously, amidst exclamations of the wildest +affection. + +Oonah, half strangled and struggling for breath, at last freed herself +from his embraces, and asked him, angrily, what he was about--in which +inquiry she was backed by his mother. + +Andy answered by capering round the room, shouting, "Hurroo! I'm not +married at all--hurroo!" He turned over the chairs, upset the tables, +threw the mantelpiece ornaments into the fire, seized the poker and +tongs, and banged them together as he continued dancing and shouting. + +Oonah and his mother stood gazing at his antics in trembling amazement, +till at last the old woman exclaimed, "Holy Vargin! he's gone mad!" +whereupon she and her niece set up a violent screaming, which called +Andy back to his propriety, and, as well as his excitement would permit, +he told them the cause of his extravagant joy. His wonder and delight +were shared by his mother and the blushing Oonah, who did not struggle +so hard in Andy's embrace on his making a second vehement demonstration +of his love for her. + +"Let me send for Father Blake, my jewel," said Andy, "and I'll marry you +at once." + +His mother reminded him he must first have his present marriage proved +invalid. Andy uttered several pieces of _original_ eloquence on "the +law's delay." + +"Well, anyhow," said he, "I'll drink your health, my darling girl, this +day, as Lady Scatterbrain--for you must consider yourself as sitch." + +"Behave yourself, my lord," said Oonah, archly. + +"Bother!" cried Andy, snatching another kiss. + +"Hillo!" cried Dick Dawson, entering at the moment, and seeing the +romping-match. "You're losing no time, I see, Andy." + +Oonah was running from the room, laughing and blushing, when Dick +interposed, and cried, "Ah, don't go, 'my lady,' that _is to be_." + +Oonah slapped down the hand that barred her progress, exclaiming, +"You're just as bad as he is, Mister Dawson!" and ran away. + +Dick had ridden over, on hearing the news, to congratulate Andy, and +consented to remain and dine with him. Oonah had rather, after what +had taken place, he had not been there, for Dick backed Andy in his +tormenting the girl and joined heartily in drinking to Andy's toast, +which, according to promise, he gave to the health of the future Lady +Scatterbrain. + +It was impossible to repress Andy's wild delight; and in the excitement +of the hour he tossed off bumper after bumper to all sorts of +love-making toasts, till he was quite overcome by his potations, and +fit for no place but bed. To this last retreat of "the glorious" he was +requested to retire, and, after much coaxing, consented. He staggered +over to the window-curtain, which he mistook for that of the bed; in +vain they wanted to lead him elsewhere--he would sleep in no other bed +but _that_--and, backing out at the window-pane, he made a smash, of +which he seemed sensible, for he said it wasn't a fair trick to put +pins in the bed. "I know it was Oonah did that!--hip!--ha! ha! Lady +Scatterbrain!--never mind--hip!--I'll have my revenge on you yet!" + +They could not get him up-stairs, so his mother suggested he should +sleep in her room, which was on the same floor, for that night, and at +last he was got into the apartment. There he was assisted to disrobe, as +he stood swaying about at a dressing-table. Chancing to lay his hands on +a pill-box, he mistook it for his watch. + +"Stop--stop!" he stammered forth--"I must wind my watch;" and, suiting +the action to the word, he began twisting about the pill-box, the lid +of which came off and the pills fell about the floor. "Oh, murder!" +said Lord Scatterbrain, "the works of my watch are fallin' about the +flure--pick them up--pick them up--pick them up--" He could speak +no more, and becoming quite incapable of all voluntary action, was +undressed and put to bed, the last sound which escaped him being a faint +muttering--"pick them up." + + + + +CHAPTER THE LAST + + +The day following the eventful one just recorded, the miserable convict +breathed his last. A printed notice was posted in all the adjacent +villages, offering a reward for the apprehension of _Shan More_ and +"other persons unknown," for their murderous assault; and a small +reward was promised for such "private information as might lead to +the apprehension of the aforesaid," &c., &c. Larry Hogan at once came +forward and put the authorities on the scent, but still Shan and his +accomplices remained undiscovered. Larry's information on another +subject, however, was more effective. He gave his own testimony to the +previous marriage of Bridget, and pointed out the means of obtaining +more, so that, ere long, Lord Scatterbrain was a "free man." Though the +depositions of the murdered man did not directly implicate Larry in the +murderous attack, still it showed that he had participated in much +of their villany; but, as in difficult cases, we must put up with bad +instruments to reach the ends of justice, so this rascal was useful for +his evidence and private information, and got his reward. + +But he got his reward in more ways than one. He knew that he dare not +longer remain in the country after what had taken place, and set off +directly for Dublin by the mail, intending to proceed to England; but +England he never reached. As he was proceeding down the Custom-house +quay in the dusk of the evening, to get on ship-board, his arms were +suddenly seized and drawn behind him by a powerful grasp, while a woman +in front drew a handkerchief across his mouth, and stifled his attempted +cries. His bundle was dragged from him, and the woman ransacked his +pockets but they contained but a few shillings, Larry having hidden +the wages of his treachery to his confederates in the folds of his +neck-cloth. To pluck this from his throat, many a fierce wrench was made +by the woman, when her attempts on the pockets proved worthless; but the +handkerchief was knotted so tightly that she could not disengage it. +The approach of some passengers along the quay alarmed the assailants +of Larry, who, ere the iron grip released him, heard a deep curse in +his ear growled by a voice he well knew, and then he felt himself hurled +with gigantic force from the quay wall. Before the base, cheating, +faithless scoundrel could make one exclamation, he was plunged into +the Liffey--even before one mental aspiration for mercy, he was in +the throes of suffocation! The heavy splash in the water caught the +attention of those whose approach had alarmed the murderers, and seeing +a man and woman running, a pursuit commenced, which ended by Newgate +having two fresh tenants the next day. + +And so farewell to the entire of the abominable crew, whose evil doings +and merited fates have only been recorded when it became necessary +to our story. It is better to leave the debased and the profligate in +oblivion than drag their doings before the day; and it is with happy +consciousness an Irishman may assert, that there is plenty of subject +afforded by Irish character and Irish life honourable to the land, +pleasing to the narrator, and sufficiently attractive to the reader, +without the unwholesome exaggerations of crime which too often disfigure +the fictions which pass under the title of "Irish," alike offensive +to truth as to taste--alike injurious both for private and public +considerations. + + * * * * * + +It was in the following autumn that a particular chariot drove up to the +door of the Victoria Hotel, on the shore of Killarney lake. A young man +of elegant bearing handed a very charming young lady from the chariot; +aand that kindest and mos accommodating of hostesses, Mrs. F----, +welcomed the fresh arrival with her good-humoured and smiling face. + +Why, amidst the crowd of arrivals at the Victoria, one chariot should +be remarkable beyond another, arose from its quiet elegance, which might +strike even a casual observer; but the intelligent Mrs. F---- saw with +half an eye the owners must be high-bred people. To the apartments +already engaged for them they were shown; but few minutes were lost +within doors where such matchless natural beauty tempted them without. +A boat was immediately ordered, and then the newly arrived visitors were +soon on the lake. The boatmen had already worked hard that day, having +pulled one party completely round the lakes--no trifling task; but the +hardy fellows again bent to their oars, and made the sleeping waters +wake in golden flashes to the sunset, till told they need not pull so +hard. + +"Faith, then, we'll _plaze_ you, sir," said the stroke-oarsman, with a +grin, "for we have had quite enough of it to-day." + +"Do you not think, Fanny," said Edward O'Connor, for it was he who spoke +to his bride, "Do you not think 'tis more in unison with the tranquil +hour and the coming shadows, to glide softly over the lulled waters?" + +"Yes," she replied, "it seems almost sacrilege to disturb this heavenly +repose by the slightest dip of the oar--see how perfectly that lovely +island is reflected." + +"That is Innisfallin, my lady," said the boatman, hearing her allude +to the island, "where the hermitage is." As he spoke, a gleam of light +sparkled on the island, which was reflected on the water. + +"One might think the hermit was there too," said Fanny, "and had just +lighted a lamp for his vigils." + +"That's the light of the guide that shows the place to the quality, my +lady, and lives on the island always in a corner of the ould ruin. +And, indeed, if you'd like to see the island this evening, there's time +enough, and 'twould be so much saved out of to-morrow." + +The boatman's advice was acted upon, and as they glided towards the +island, Fanny and Edward gazed delightedly on the towering summits of +Magillicuddy's reeks, whose spiral pinnacles and graceful declivities +told out sharply against the golden sky behind them, which, being +perfectly reflected in the calm lake, gave a grand chain of mountain the +appearance of being suspended in glowing heather, for the lake was one +bright amber sheet of light below, and the mountains one massive barrier +of shade, till they cut against the light above. The boat touched the +shore of Innisfallin, and the delighted pair of visitants hurried to its +western point to catch the sunset, lighting with its glory the matchless +foliage of this enchanting spot, where every form of grace exhaustless +nature can display is lavished on the arborial richness of the scene, +which, in its unequalled luxuriance, gives to a fanciful beholder the +idea that the _trees themselves have a conscious pleasure in growing +there._ Oh! what a witching spot is Innisfallin! + +Edward had never seen anything so beautiful in his life; and with the +woman he adored resting on his arm, he quoted the lines which Moore has +applied to the Vale of Cashmere, as he asked Fanny would she not like to +live there. + +"Would you?" said Fanny. + +Edward answered-- + + "If woman can make the worst wilderness dear, + Think--think what a heaven she must make of Cashmere." + +They lingered on the island till the moon arose, and then re-embarked. +The silvery light exhibited the lake under another aspect, and the dimly +discovered forms of the lofty hills rose one above another, tier upon +tier, circling the waters in their shadowy frame, the beauty of the +scene reached a point of sublimity which might be called holy. As they +returned towards the shelving strand, a long row of peeled branches, +standing upright in the water, attracted Fanny's attention, and she +asked their use. + +"All the use in life, my lady," said the boatman, "for without the same +branches, maybe it's not home to-night you'd get." + +On Fanny inquiring further the meaning of the boatman's answer, she +learned that the sticks were placed there to indicate the only channel +which permitted a boat to approach the shore on that side of the lake, +where the water was shoal, while in other parts the depth had never been +fathomed. + +An early excursion on the water was planned for the morning, and Edward +and Fanny were wakened from their slumbers by the tones of the bugle; a +soft Irish melody being breathed by Spillan, followed by a more sportive +one from the other minstrel of the lake, Ganzy. + +The lake now appeared under another aspect--the morning sun and morning +breeze were upon it, and the sublimity with which the shades of evening +had invested the mountains was changed to that of the most varied +richness; for Autumn hung out its gaudy banner on the lofty hills, +crowned to their summits with all variety of wood, which, though tinged +by the declining year, had scarcely shed one leafy honour. The day was +glorious, and the favouring breeze enabled the boat to career across the +sparkling lake under canvas, till the overhanging hills of the opposite +side robbed them of their aerial wings, and the sail being struck, the +boatmen bent to their oars. As they passed under a promontory, clothed +from the water's edge to its topmost ridge with the most luxuriant +vegetation, it was pointed out to the lady as "the minister's back." + +"'T is a strange name," said Fanny. "Do you know why it is called so?" + +"Faix, I dunna, my lady--barrin' that it is the best covered back in +the country. But here we come to the _aichos_," said he, resting on his +oars. The example was followed by his fellows, and the bugler, lifting +his instrument to his lips, gave one long well-sustained blast. It rang +across the waters gallantly. It returned in a few seconds with such +unearthly sweetness, as though the spirit of the departed sound had +become heavenly, and revisited the place where it had expired. + +Fanny and Edward listened breathlessly. + +The bugle gave out its notes again in the well-known "call," and as +sweetly as before the notes were returned distinctly. + +And now a soft and slow and simple melody stole from the exquisitely +played bugle, and phrase after phrase was echoed from the responding +hills. How many an emotion stirred within Edward's breast, as the +melting music fell upon his ear! In the midst of matchless beauties he +heard the matchless strains of his native land, and the echoes of her +old hills responding to the triumphs of her old bards. The air, too, +bore with it historic associations;--it told a tale of wrong and of +suffering. The wrong has ceased, the suffering is past, but the air +which records them still lives. + +"Oh! triumph of the minstrel!" exclaimed Edward in delight. "The tyrant +crumbles in his coffin, while the song of the bard survives! The memory +of a sceptred ruffian is endlessly branded by a simple strain, while +many of the elaborate chronicles of his evil life have passed away and +are mouldering like himself." + +Scarcely had the echoes of this exquisite air died away, when the +entrancement it carried was rudely broken by one of the vulgarest tunes +being brayed from a bugle in a boat which was seen rounding the headland +of the wooded promontory. Edward and Fanny writhed, and put their hands +to their ears. "Give way, boys!" said Edward; "for pity's sake get away +from these barbarians. Give way!" + +Away sprang the boat. To the boatman's inquiry whether they should stop +at "Lady Kenmare's Cottage," Fanny said "no," when she found on inquiry +it was a particularly "show-place," being certain the vulgar party +following _would_ stop there, and therefore time might be gained in +getting away from such disagreeable followers. + +Dinas Island, fringed with its lovely woods, excited their admiration, +as they passed underneath its shadows, and turned into Turk Lake; here +the labyrinthine nature of the channels through which they had been +winding was changed for a circular expanse of water, over which the +lofty mountain, whence it takes its name, towers in all its wild beauty +of wood, and rock, and heath. + +At a certain part of the lake, the boatmen, without any visible cause, +rested on their oars. On Edward asking them why they did not pull, he +received this touching answer:-- + +"Sure, your honour would not have us disturb Ned Macarthy's grave!" + +"Then a boatman was drowned here, I suppose?" said Edward. + +"Yes, your honour." The boatman then told how the accident occurred "one +day when there was a stag-hunt on the lake;" but as the anecdote struck +Edward so forcibly that he afterwards recorded it in verse, we will give +the story after his fashion. + +MACARTHY'S GRAVE + +I + + The breeze was fresh, the morn was fair, + The stag had left his dewy lair; + To cheering horn and baying tongue, + Killarney's echoes sweetly rung. + With sweeping oar and bending mast, + The eager chase was following fast; + When one light skiff a maiden steer'd + Beneath the deep wave disappeared: + Wild shouts of terror wildly ring, + A boatman brave, with gallant spring + And dauntless arm, the lady bore; + But he who saved--was seen no more! + +II + + Where weeping birches wildly wave, + There boatmen show their brother's grave; + And while they tell the name he bore, + Suspended hangs the lifted oar; + The silent drops they idly shed + Seem like tears to gallant Ned; + And while gently gliding by, + The tale is told with moistened eye. + No ripple on the slumbering lake + Unhallow'd oar doth ever make; + All undisturb'd, the placid wave + Flows gently o'er Macarthy's grave. + +Winding backwards through the channels which lead the explorers of this +scene of nature's enchantment from the lower to the upper lake, the +surpassing beauty of the "Eagle's nest" burst on their view; and as +they hovered under its stupendous crags, clustering with all variety of +verdure, the bugle and the cannon awoke the almost endless reverberation +of sound which is engendered here. Passing onward, a sudden change is +wrought; the soft beauty melts gradually away, and the scene hardens +into frowning rocks and steep acclivities, making a befitting vestibule +to the bold and bleak precipices of "The Reeks," which form the western +barrier of this upper lake, whose savage grandeur is rendered more +striking by the scenes of fairy-like beauty left behind. But even here, +in the midst of the mightiest desolation, the vegetative vigour of the +numerous islands proves the wondrous productiveness of the soil in these +regions. + +On their return, a great commotion was observable as they approached the +rapids formed by the descending waters of the upper lake to the lower, +and they were hailed and warned by some of the peasants from the shore +that they must not attempt the rapids at present, as a boat, which had +just been upset, lay athwart the passage. On hearing this, Edward and +Fanny landed upon the falls, and walked towards the old bridge, where +all was bustle and confusion, as the dripping passengers were dragged +safely to shore from the capsized boat, which had been upset by the +principal gentleman of the party, whose vulgar trumpetings had so +disturbed the delight of Edward and Fanny, who soon recognised the +renowned Andy as the instigator of the bad music and the cause of the +accident. Yes, Lord Scatterbrain, true to his original practice, was +author of all. + +Nevertheless, he and his party, soused over head and ears as they +were, took the thing in good humour, which was unbroken even by the +irrepressible laughter which escaped from Edward and Fanny, as they +approached and kindly offered assistance. An immediate removal to the +neighbouring cottage on Dinas Island was recommended, particularly as +Lady Scatterbrain was in a delicate situation, as well, indeed, as Mrs. +Durfy, who, with her dear Tom, had joined Lord Scatterbrain's party of +pleasure. + +On reaching the cottage, sufficient change of clothes was obtained +to prevent evil consequences from the ducking. This, under ordinary +circumstances, might not have been easy for so many; but, fortunately, +Lord Scatterbrain had ordered a complete dinner from the hotel to be +served in the cottage, and some of the assistants from the Victoria, +who were necessarily present, helped to dress more than the dinner. What +between cookmaids and waiters, the care-taker of the cottage and the +boatmen, bodies, and skirts, jackets and other conveniences, enabled +the party to sit down to dinner in company, until fire could mend the +mistake of his lordship. Edward and Fanny courteously joined the party; +and the honour of their company was sensibly felt by Andy and Oonah, +who would have borne a ducking a day for the honour of having Fanny and +Edward as their guests. Oonah was by nature a nice creature, and adapted +herself to her elevated position with a modest ease that was surprising. +Even Andy was by this time able to conduct himself tolerably well at +table--only on that particular day he did make a mistake; for when +salmon (which is served at Killarney in all sorts of variety) made its +appearance for the first time in the novel form "_en papillote_," +Andy ate paper and all. He refused a second cutlet, however, saying he +"_thought the skin tough_." The party, however, passed off mirthfully, +the very accident helping the fun; for, instead of any one being called +by name, the "lady in the jacket," or the "gentleman in the bedgown," +were the terms of address; and, after a merrily spent evening, the beds +of the Victoria gave sleep and pleasing dreams to the sojourners of +Killarney. + +[Illustration: The Party at Killarney] + +Kind reader! the shortening space we have prescribed to our volume warns +us we must draw our story to an end. Nine months after this Killarney +excursion, Lord Scatterbrain met Dick Dawson near Mount Eskar, where +Lord Scatterbrain had ridden to make certain inquiries about Mrs. +O'Connor's health. Dick wore a smiling countenance, and to Andy's +inquiry answered, "All right, and doing as well as can be expected." + +Lord Scatterbrain, wishing to know whether it was a boy or a girl, made +the inquiry in the true spirit of Andyism--"Tell me, Misther Dawson, +_are you an uncle or an aunt?_" + +Andy's mother died soon after of the cold caught by her ducking. On her +death-bed she called Oonah to her, and said, "I leave you this quilt, +_alanna_--'t is worth more than it appears. The hundred-pound notes Andy +gave me I quilted into the lining, so that if I lived poor all my life +till lately, I died under a quilt of banknotes, anyhow." + +Uncle Bob was gathered to his fathers also, and left the bulk of his +property to Augusta, so that Furlong had to regret his contemptible +conduct in rejecting her hand. Augusta indulged in a spite to all +mankind for the future, enjoying her dogs and her independence, and +defying Hymen and hydrophobia for the rest of her life. + +Gusty went on profiting by the early care of Edward O'Connor, whose +friendship was ever his dearest possession; and Ratty, always wild, +expressed a desire for leading a life of enterprise. As they are both +"Irish heirs," as well as Lord Scatterbrain, and heirs under very +different circumstances, it is not improbable that in our future +"accounts" something may yet be heard of them, and the grateful author +once more meet his kind readers. + +THE END + + + + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's Handy Andy, Volume 2 (of 2), by Samuel Lover + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK HANDY ANDY, VOLUME 2 (OF 2) *** + +***** This file should be named 7180-8.txt or 7180-8.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/7/1/8/7180/ + +Produced by Charles Franks and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Handy Andy, Volume 2 (of 2) + A Tale of Irish Life + +Author: Samuel Lover + + +Release Date: December, 2004 [EBook #7180] +This file was first posted on March 22, 2003 +Last Updated: March 16, 2018 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: UTF-8 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK HANDY ANDY, VOLUME 2 (OF 2) *** + + + + +Text file produced by Charles Franks and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team + +HTML file produced by David Widger + + + +</pre> + + <div style="height: 8em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h1> + HANDY ANDY + </h1> + <h1> + A Tale of Irish Life + </h1> + <h2> + By Samuel Lover + </h2> + <h4> + In Two Volumes—Volume Two <br /> The Collected Writings Of Samuel + Lover (V. 4) + </h4> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0001" id="linkimage-0001"></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:80%"> + <img alt="frontispiece (176K)" src="images/frontispiece.jpg" width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <p> + <b>CONTENTS</b> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_LIST"> LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS VOLUME TWO </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0001"> CHAPTER XXII </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0002"> CHAPTER XXIII </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0003"> CHAPTER XXIV </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0004"> CHAPTER XXV </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0005"> CHAPTER XXVI </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0006"> CHAPTER XXVII </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0007"> CHAPTER XXVIII </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0008"> CHAPTER XXIX </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0009"> CHAPTER XXX </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0010"> CHAPTER XXXI </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0011"> CHAPTER XXXII </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0012"> CHAPTER XXXIII </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0013"> CHAPTER XXXIV </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0014"> CHAPTER XXXV </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0015"> CHAPTER XXXVI </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0016"> CHAPTER XXXVII </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0017"> CHAPTER XXXVIII </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0018"> CHAPTER XXXIX </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0019"> CHAPTER XL </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0020"> CHAPTER XLI </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0021"> CHAPTER XLII </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0022"> CHAPTER XLIII </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0023"> CHAPTER XLIV </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0024"> CHAPTER XLV </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0025"> CHAPTER XLVI </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0026"> CHAPTER XLVII </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0027"> CHAPTER XLVIII </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0028"> CHAPTER XLIX </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0029"> CHAPTER L </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0030"> CHAPTER LI </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0031"> CHAPTER THE LAST </a> + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_LIST" id="link2H_LIST"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <p> + <b>List of Illustrations</b> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0001"> Tom Organ Loftus' Coldairian System </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0003"> Andy's Cooking Extraordinary </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0005"> The Abduction </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0006"> A Crack Shot </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0007"> The Challenge </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0008"> The Party at Killarney </a> + </p> + <p> + <i>Etched by W. H. W. Bicknell from drawings by Samuel Lover</i> + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /><br /> <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0001" id="link2HCH0001"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXII + </h2> + <p> + The night was pitch dark, and on rounding the adjacent corner no vehicle + could be seen; but a peculiar whistle from Dick was answered by the sound + of approaching wheels and the rapid footfalls of a horse, mingled with the + light rattle of a smart gig. On the vehicle coming up, Dick took his + little mare, that was blacker than the night, by the head, the apron of + the gig was thrown down, and out jumped a smart servant-boy. + </p> + <p> + “You have the horse ready, too, Billy?” + </p> + <p> + “Yis, sir,” said Billy, touching his hat. + </p> + <p> + “Then follow, and keep up with me, remember.” + </p> + <p> + “Yis, sir.” + </p> + <p> + “Come to her head, here,” and he patted the little mare's neck as he spoke + with a caressing “whoa,” which was answered by a low neigh of + satisfaction, while the impatient pawing of her fore foot showed the + animal's desire to start. “What an impatient little devil she is,” said + Dick, as he mounted the gig; “I'll get in first, Murphy, as I'm going to + drive. Now up with you—hook on the apron—that's it—are + you all right?” + </p> + <p> + “Quite,” said Murphy. + </p> + <p> + “Then you be into your saddle and after us, Billy,” said Dick; “and now + let her go.” + </p> + <p> + Billy gave the little black mare her head, and away she went, at a + slapping pace, the fire from the road answering the rapid strokes of her + nimble feet. The servant then mounted a horse which was tied to a + neighbouring palisade, and had to gallop for it to come up with his + master, who was driving with a swiftness almost fearful, considering the + darkness of the night and the narrowness of the road he had to traverse, + for he was making the best of his course by cross-ways to an adjacent + roadside inn, where some non-resident electors were expected to arrive + that night by a coach from Dublin; for the county town had every nook and + cranny occupied, and this inn was the nearest point where they could get + any accommodation. + </p> + <p> + Now don't suppose that they were electors whom Murphy and Dick in their + zeal for their party were going over to greet with hearty welcomes and + bring up to the poll the next day. By no means. They were the friends of + the opposite party, and it was with the design of retarding their + movements that this night's excursion was undertaken. These electors were + a batch of plain citizens from Dublin, whom the Scatterbrain interest had + induced to leave the peace and quiet of the city to tempt the wilds of the + country at that wildest of times—during a contested election; and a + night coach was freighted inside and out with the worthy cits, whose + aggregate voices would be of immense importance the next day; for the + contest was close, the county nearly polled out, and but two days more for + the struggle. Now, to intercept these plain unsuspecting men was the + object of Murphy, whose well-supplied information had discovered to him + this plan of the enemy, which he set about countermining. As they rattled + over the rough by-roads, many a laugh did the merry attorney and the + untameable Dick the Devil exchange, as the probable success of their + scheme was canvassed, and fresh expedients devised to meet the possible + impediments which might interrupt them. As they topped a hill Murphy + pointed out to his companion a moving light in the plain beneath. + </p> + <p> + “That's the coach, Dick—there are the lamps, we're just in time—spin + down the hill, my boy—let me get in as they're at supper, and 'faith + they'll want it, after coming off a coach such a night as this, to say + nothing of some of them being aldermen in expectancy perhaps, and of + course obliged to play trencher-men as often as they can, as a requisite + rehearsal for the parts they must hereafter fill.” + </p> + <p> + In fifteen minutes more Dick pulled up before a small cabin within a + quarter of a mile of the inn, and the mounted servant tapped at the door, + which was immediately opened, and a peasant, advancing to the gig, + returned the civil salutation with which Dick greeted his approach. + </p> + <p> + “I wanted to be sure you were ready, Barny.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, do you think I'd fail you, Misther Dick, your honour?” + </p> + <p> + “I thought you might be asleep, Barny.” + </p> + <p> + “Not when you bid me wake, sir; and there's a nice fire ready for you, and + as fine a dhrop o' <i>potteen</i> as ever tickled your tongue, sir.” + </p> + <p> + “You're the lad, Barny!—good fellow—I'll be back with you + by-and-by;” and off whipped Dick again. + </p> + <p> + After going about a quarter of a mile further, he pulled up, alighted with + Murphy from the gig, unharnessed the little black mare, and then + overturned the gig into the ditch. + </p> + <p> + “That's as natural as life,” said Dick. + </p> + <p> + “What an escape of my neck I've had!” said Murphy. + </p> + <p> + “Are you much hurt?” said Dick. + </p> + <p> + “A trifle lame only,” said Murphy, laughing and limping. + </p> + <p> + “There was a great <i>boccagh</i> [Footnote: Lame beggar.] lost in you, + Murphy. Wait; let me rub a handful of mud on your face—there—you + have a very upset look, 'pon my soul,” said Dick, as he flashed the light + of his lantern on him for a moment, and laughed at Murphy scooping the mud + out of his eye, where Dick had purposely planted it. + </p> + <p> + “Devil take you,” said Murtough; “that's too natural.” + </p> + <p> + “There's nothing like looking your part,” said Dick. + </p> + <p> + “Well, I may as well complete my attire,” said Murtough, so he lay down in + the road and took a roll in the mud; “that will do,” said he; “and now, + Dick, go back to Barny and the mountain dew, while I storm the camp of the + Philistines. I think in a couple of hours you may be on the look-out for + me; I'll signal you from the window, so now good bye;” and Murphy, leading + the mare, proceeded to the inn, while Dick, with a parting “Luck to you, + my boy,” turned back to the cottage of Barny. + </p> + <p> + The coach had set down six inside and ten out passengers (all voters) + about ten minutes before Murphy marched up to the inn door, leading the + black mare, and calling “ostler” most lustily. His call being answered for + “the beast,” “the man” next demanded attention; and the landlord wondered + all the wonders he could cram into a short speech, at seeing Misther + Murphy, sure, at such a time; and the sonsy landlady, too, was all + lamentations for his illigant coat and his poor eye, sure, all ruined with + the mud:—and what was it at all? an upset, was it? oh, wirra! and + wasn't it lucky he wasn't killed, and they without a spare bed to lay him + out dacent if he was—sure, wouldn't it be horrid for his body to be + only on sthraw in the barn, instead of the best feather-bed in the house; + and, indeed, he'd be welcome to it, only the gintlemen from town had them + all engaged. + </p> + <p> + “Well, dead or alive, I must stay here to-night, Mrs. Kelly, at all + events.” + </p> + <p> + “And what will you do for a bed?” + </p> + <p> + “A shake down in the parlour, or a stretch on a sofa, will do; my gig is + stuck fast in a ditch—my mare tired—ten miles from home—cold + night, and my knee hurt.” Murphy limped as he spoke. + </p> + <p> + “Oh! your poor knee,” said Mrs. Kelly; “I'll put a dhrop o' whisky and + brown paper on it, sure—” + </p> + <p> + “And what gentlemen are these, Mrs. Kelly, who have so filled your house?” + </p> + <p> + “Gintlemen that came by the coach a while agone, and supping in the + parlour now, sure.” + </p> + <p> + “Would you give my compliments, and ask would they allow me, under the + present peculiar circumstances, to join them? and in the meantime, send + somebody down the road to take the cushions out of my gig; for there is no + use in attempting to get the gig out till morning.” + </p> + <p> + “Sartinly, Misther Murphy, we'll send for the cushions; but as for the + gentlemen, they are all on the other side.” + </p> + <p> + “What other side?” + </p> + <p> + “The Honourable's voters, sure.” + </p> + <p> + “Pooh! is that all?” said Murphy,—“I don't mind that, I've no + objection on that account; besides, <i>they</i> need not know who <i>I</i> + am,” and he gave the landlord a knowing wink, to which the landlord as + knowingly returned another. + </p> + <p> + The message to the gentlemen was delivered, and Murphy was immediately + requested to join their party; this was all he wanted, and he played off + his powers of diversion on the innocent citizens so successfully, that + before supper was half over they thought themselves in luck to have fallen + in with such a chance acquaintance. Murphy fired away jokes, repartees, + anecdotes, and country gossip, to their delight; and when the eatables + were disposed of, he started them on the punch-drinking tack afterwards so + cleverly, that he hoped to see three parts of them tipsy before they + retired to rest. + </p> + <p> + “Do you feel your knee better now, sir?” asked one of the party, of + Murphy. + </p> + <p> + “Considerably, thank you; whisky punch, sir, is about the best cure for + bruises or dislocations a man can take.” + </p> + <p> + “I doubt that, sir,” said a little matter-of-fact man, who had now + interposed his reasonable doubts for the twentieth time during Murphy's + various extravagant declarations, and the interruption only made Murphy + romance the more. + </p> + <p> + “<i>You</i> speak of your fiery <i>Dublin</i> stuff, sir; but our country + whisky is as mild as milk, and far more wholesome; then, sir, our fine air + alone would cure half the complaints without a grain of physic.” + </p> + <p> + “I doubt that, sir!” said the little man. + </p> + <p> + “I assure you, sir, a friend of my own from town came down here last + spring on crutches, and from merely following a light whisky diet and + sleeping with his window open, he was able to dance at the race ball in a + fortnight; as for this knee of mine, it's a trifle, though it was a bad + upset too.” + </p> + <p> + “How did it happen, sir? Was it your horse—or your harness—or + your gig—or—” + </p> + <p> + “None o' them, sir; it was a <i>Banshee</i>.” + </p> + <p> + “A Banshee!” said the little man; “what's that?” + </p> + <p> + “A peculiar sort of supernatural creature that is common here, sir. She + was squatted down on one side of the road, and my mare shied at her, and + being a spirited little thing, she attempted to jump the ditch and missed + it in the dark.” + </p> + <p> + “Jump a ditch, with a gig after her, sir?” said the little man. + </p> + <p> + “Oh, common enough to do that here, sir; she'd have done it easy in the + daylight, but she could not measure her distance in the dark, and bang she + went into the ditch: but it's a trifle, after all. I am generally run over + four or five times a year.” + </p> + <p> + “And you alive to tell it!” said the little man, incredulously. + </p> + <p> + “It's hard to kill us here, sir, we are used to accidents.” + </p> + <p> + “Well, the worst accident I ever heard of,” said one of the citizens, + “happened to a friend of mine, who went to visit a friend of his on a + Sunday, and all the family happened to be at church; so on driving into + the yard there was no one to take his horse, therefore he undertook the + office of ostler himself, but being unused to the duty, he most + incautiously took off the horse's bridle before unyoking him from his gig, + and the animal, making a furious plunge forward—my friend being + before him at the time—the shaft of the gig was driven through his + body, and into the coach-house gate behind him, and stuck so fast that the + horse could not drag it out after; and in this dreadful situation they + remained until the family returned from church, and saw the awful + occurrence. A servant was despatched for a doctor, and the shaft was + disengaged, and drawn out of the man's body—just at the pit of the + stomach; he was laid on a bed, and every one thought of course he must die + at once, but he didn't; and the doctor came next day, and he wasn't dead—did + what he could for him—and, to make a long story short, sir, the man + recovered.” + </p> + <p> + “Pooh! pooh!” said the diminutive doubter. + </p> + <p> + “It's true,” said the narrator. + </p> + <p> + “I make no doubt of it, sir,” said Murphy; “I know a more extraordinary + case of recovery myself.” + </p> + <p> + “I beg your pardon, sir,” said the cit; “I have not finished my story yet, + for the most extraordinary part of the story remains to be told; my + friend, sir, was a very sickly man before the accident happened—a <i>very</i> + sickly man, and after that accident he became a hale healthy man. What do + you think of that, sir?” + </p> + <p> + “It does not surprise me in the least, sir,” said Murphy; “I can account + for it readily.” + </p> + <p> + “Well, sir, I never heard It accounted for, though I know it to be true; I + should like to hear how you account for it?” + </p> + <p> + “Very simply, sir,” said Murphy; “don't you perceive the man discovered a + <i>mine</i> of health by a <i>shaft</i> being sunk in the <i>pit</i> of + his stomach?” + </p> + <p> + Murphy's punning solution of the cause of cure was merrily received by the + company, whose critical taste was not of that affected nature which + despises <i>jeu de mots</i>, and <i>will not</i> be satisfied under a <i>jeu + d'esprit</i>; the little doubting man alone refused to be pleased. + </p> + <p> + “I doubt the value of a pun always, sir. Dr. Johnson said, sir—” + </p> + <p> + “I know,” said Murphy; “that the man who would make a pun would pick a + pocket; that's old, sir,—but is dearly remembered by all those who + cannot make puns themselves.” + </p> + <p> + “Exactly,” said one of the party they called Wiggins. “It is the old story + of the fox and the grapes. Did you ever hear, sir, the story of the fox + and the grapes? The fox one day was—” + </p> + <p> + “Yes, yes,” said Murphy, who, fond of absurdity as he was, could <i>not</i> + stand the fox and the grapes by way of something new. + </p> + <p> + “They're sour, said the fox.” + </p> + <p> + “Yes,” said Murphy, “a capital story.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, them fables is so good!” said Wiggins. + </p> + <p> + “All nonsense!” said the diminutive contradictor. + </p> + <p> + “Nonsense, nothing but nonsense; the ridiculous stuff of birds and beasts + speaking! As if any one could believe such stuff.” + </p> + <p> + “I do—firmly—for one,” said Murphy. + </p> + <p> + “You do?” said the little man. + </p> + <p> + “I do—and do you know why?” + </p> + <p> + “I cannot indeed conceive,” said the little man, with a bitter grin. + </p> + <p> + “It is, sir, because I myself know a case that occurred in this very + country of a similar nature.” + </p> + <p> + “Do you want to make me believe you knew a fox that spoke, sir?” said the + mannikin, almost rising into anger. + </p> + <p> + “Many, sir,” said Murphy, “many.” + </p> + <p> + “Well! after that!” said the little man. + </p> + <p> + “But the case I immediately allude to is not of a fox, but a cat,” said + Murphy. + </p> + <p> + “A cat? Oh, yes—to be sure—a cat speak, indeed!” said the + little gentleman. + </p> + <p> + “It is a fact, sir,” said Murphy; “and if the company would not object to + my relating the story, I will state the particulars.” + </p> + <p> + The proposal was received with acclamation; and Murphy, in great enjoyment + of the little man's annoyance, cleared his throat, and made all the + preparatory demonstrations of a regular <i>raconteur</i>; but, before he + began, he recommended the gentlemen to mix fresh tumblers all round that + they might have nothing to do but listen and drink silently. “For of all + things in the world,” said Murtough, “I hate a song or a story to be + interrupted by the rattle of spoons.” + </p> + <p> + They obeyed; and while they are mixing their punch, we will just turn over + a fresh page, and devote a new Chapter to the following + </p> + <h3> + MARVELLOUS LEGEND + </h3> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0002" id="link2HCH0002"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXIII + </h2> + <h3> + MURTOUGH MURPHY'S STORY; BEING YE MARVELLOUS LEGEND OF TOM CONNOR'S CAT + </h3> + <p> + “There was a man in these parts, sir, you must know, called Tom Connor, + and he had a cat that was equal to any dozen of rat-traps, and he was + proud of the baste, and with rayson; for she was worth her weight in goold + to him in saving his sacks of meal from the thievery of the rats and mice; + for Tom was an extensive dealer in corn, and influenced the rise and fall + of that article in the market, to the extent of a full dozen of sacks at a + time, which he either kept or sold, as the spirit of free trade or + monopoly came over him. Indeed, at one time, Tom had serious thoughts of + applying to the government for a military force to protect his granary + when there was a threatened famine in the county.” + </p> + <p> + “Pooh! pooh! sir,” said the matter-of-fact little man: “as if a dozen + sacks could be of the smallest consequence in a whole county—pooh! + pooh!” + </p> + <p> + “Well, sir,” said Murphy, “I can't help if you don't believe; but it's + truth what I am telling you, and pray don't interrupt me, though you may + not believe; by the time the story's done you'll have heard more wonderful + things than <i>that</i>,—and besides, remember you're a stranger in + these parts, and have no notion of the extraordinary things, physical, + metaphysical, and magical, which constitute the idiosyncrasy of rural + destiny.” + </p> + <p> + The little man did not know the meaning of Murphy's last sentence—nor + Murphy either; but, having stopped the little man's throat with big words, + he proceeded— + </p> + <p> + “This cat, sir, you must know, was a great pet, and was so up to + everything, that Tom swore she was a'most like a Christian, only she + couldn't speak, and had so sensible a look in her eyes, that he was sartin + sure the cat knew every word that was said to her. Well, she used to sit + by him at breakfast every morning, and the eloquent cock of her tail, as + she used to rub against his leg, said, 'Give me some milk, Tom Connor,' as + plain as print, and the plenitude of her purr afterwards spoke a gratitude + beyond language. Well, one morning, Tom was going to the neighbouring town + to market, and he had promised the wife to bring home shoes to the + childre' out o' the price of the corn; and sure enough, before he sat down + to breakfast, there was Tom taking the measure of the children's feet, by + cutting notches on a bit of stick; and the wife gave him so many cautions + about getting a 'nate fit' for 'Billy's purty feet,' that Tom, in his + anxiety to nick the closest possible measure, cut off the child's toe. + That disturbed the harmony of the party, and Tom was obliged to breakfast + alone, while the mother was endeavouring to cure Billy; in short, trying + to make a <i>heal</i> of his <i>toe</i>. Well, sir, all the time Tom was + taking measure for the shoes, the cat was observing him with that luminous + peculiarity of eye for which her tribe is remarkable; and when Tom sat + down to breakfast the cat rubbed up against him more vigorously than + usual; but Tom, being bewildered between his expected gain in corn and the + positive loss of his child's toe, kept never minding her, until the cat, + with a sort of caterwauling growl, gave Tom a dab of her claws, that went + clean through his leathers, and a little further. 'Wow!' says Tom, with a + jump, clapping his hand on the part, and rubbing it, 'by this and that, + you drew the blood out o' me,' says Tom; 'you wicked divil—tish!—go + along!' says he, making a kick at her. With that the cat gave a + reproachful look at him, and her eyes glared just like a pair of + mail-coach lamps in a fog. With that, sir, the cat, with a mysterious <i>'mi-ow''</i> + fixed a most penetrating glance on Tom, and distinctly uttered his name. + </p> + <p> + “Tom felt every hair on his head as stiff as a pump-handle; and scarcely + crediting his ears, he returned a searching look at the cat, who very + quietly proceeded in a sort of nasal twang— + </p> + <p> + “'Tom Connor,' says she. + </p> + <p> + “'The Lord be good to me!' says Tom, 'if it isn't spakin' she is!' + </p> + <p> + “'Tom Connor,' says she again. + </p> + <p> + “'Yes, ma'am,' says Tom. + </p> + <p> + “'Come here,' says she; 'whisper—I want to talk to you, Tom,' says + she, 'the laste taste in private,' says she—rising on her hams, and + beckoning him with her paw out o' the door, with a wink and a toss o' the + head aiqual to a milliner. + </p> + <p> + “Well, as you may suppose, Tom didn't know whether he was on his head or + his heels, but he followed the cat, and off she went and squatted herself + under the edge of a little paddock at the back of Tom's house; and as he + came round the corner, she held up her paw again, and laid it on her + mouth, as much as to say, 'Be cautious, Tom.' Well, divil a word Tom could + say at all, with the fright, so up he goes to the cat, and says she— + </p> + <p> + “'Tom,' says she, 'I have a great respect for you, and there's something I + must tell you, becase you're losing character with your neighbours,' says + she, 'by your goin's on,' says she, 'and it's out o' the respect that I + have for you, that I must tell you,' says she. + </p> + <p> + “'Thank you, ma'am,' says Tom. + </p> + <p> + “'You're goin' off to the town,' says she, 'to buy shoes for the + childre',' says she, 'and never thought o' gettin' me a pair.' + </p> + <p> + “'You!' says Tom.” + </p> + <p> + “'Yis, me, Tom Connor,' says she; 'and the neighbours wondhers that a + respectable man like you allows your cat to go about the counthry + barefutted,' says she.” + </p> + <p> + “'Is it a cat to ware shoes?' says Tom.” + </p> + <p> + “'Why not?' says she; 'doesn't horses ware shoes?—and I have a + prettier foot than a horse, I hope,' says she, with a toss of her head.” + </p> + <p> + “'Faix, she spakes like a woman; so proud of her feet,' says Tom to + himself, astonished, as you may suppose, but pretending never to think it + remarkable all the time; and so he went on discoursin'; and says he, 'It's + thrue for you, ma'am,' says he, 'that horses wares shoes—but that + stands to rayson, ma'am, you see—seeing the hardship their feet has + to go through on the hard roads.'” + </p> + <p> + “'And how do you know what hardship my feet has to go through?' says the + cat, mighty sharp.” + </p> + <p> + “'But, ma'am,' says Tom, 'I don't well see how you could fasten a shoe on + you,' says he.” + </p> + <p> + “'Lave that to me,' says the cat.” + </p> + <p> + “'Did any one ever stick walnut shells on you, pussy?' says Tom, with a + grin.” + </p> + <p> + “'Don't be disrespectful, Tom Connor,' says the cat, with a frown.” + </p> + <p> + “'I ax your pard'n, ma'am,' says he, 'but as for the horses you wor + spakin' about wearin' shoes, you know their shoes is fastened on with + nails, and how would your shoes be fastened on?'” + </p> + <p> + “'Ah, you stupid thief!' says she, 'haven't I illigant nails o' my own?' + and with that she gave him a dab of her claw, that made him roar.” + </p> + <p> + “'Ow! murdher!' says he.” + </p> + <p> + “'Now, no more of your palaver, Misther Connor,' says the cat; 'just be + off and get me the shoes.'” + </p> + <p> + “'Tare an' ouns!' says Tom, 'what'll become o' me if I'm to get shoes for + my cats?' says he, 'for you increase your family four times a year, and + you have six or seven every time,' says he; 'and then you must all have + two pair a piece—wirra! wirra!—I'll be ruined in + shoe-leather,' says Tom. + </p> + <p> + “'No more o' your stuff,' says the cat; 'don't be stand in' here undher + the hedge talkin', or we'll lose our karacthers—for I've remarked + your wife is jealous, Tom.' + </p> + <p> + “'Pon my sowl, that's thrue,' says Tom, with a smirk. + </p> + <p> + “'More fool she,' says the cat, 'for, 'pon my conscience, Tom, you're as + ugly as if you wor bespoke.' + </p> + <p> + “Off ran the cat with these words, leaving Tom in amazement. He said + nothing to the family, for fear of fright'ning them, and off he went to + the <i>town</i> as he <i>pretended</i>—for he saw the cat watching + him through a hole in the hedge; but when he came to a turn at the end of + the road, the dickings a mind he minded the market, good or bad, but went + off to Squire Botherum's, the magisthrit, to sware examinations agen the + cat.” + </p> + <p> + “Pooh! pooh!—nonsense!!” broke in the little man, who had listened + thus far to Murtough with an expression of mingled wonder and contempt, + while the rest of the party willingly gave up the reins to nonsense, and + enjoyed Murtough's Legend and their companion's more absurd common sense. + </p> + <p> + “Don't interrupt him, Goggins,” said Mister Wiggins. + </p> + <p> + “How can you listen to such nonsense?” returned Goggins. “Swear + examinations against a cat, indeed! pooh! pooh!” + </p> + <p> + “My dear sir,” said Murtough, “remember this is a fair story, and that the + country all around here is full of enchantment. As I was telling you, Tom + went off to swear examinations.” + </p> + <p> + “Ay, ay!” shouted all but Goggins; “go on with the story.” + </p> + <p> + “And when Tom was asked to relate the events of the morning, which brought + him before Squire Botherum, his brain was so bewildered between his corn, + and his cat, and his child's toe, that he made a very confused account of + it. + </p> + <p> + “'Begin your story from the beginning,' said the magistrate to Tom. + </p> + <p> + “'Well, your honour,' says Tom, 'I was goin' to market this mornin', to + sell the child's corn—I beg your pard'n—my own toes, I mane, + sir.' + </p> + <p> + “'Sell your toes!' said the Squire. + </p> + <p> + “'No, sir, takin' the cat to market, I mane—' + </p> + <p> + “'Take a cat to market!' said the Squire. 'You're drunk, man.' + </p> + <p> + “'No, your honour, only confused a little; for when the toes began to + spake to me—the cat, I mane—I was bothered clane—' + </p> + <p> + “'The cat speak to you!' said the Squire. 'Phew! worse than before—you're + drunk, Tom.' + </p> + <p> + “'No, your honour; it's on the strength of the cat I come to spake to you—' + </p> + <p> + “'I think it's on the strength of a pint of whisky, Tom—' + </p> + <p> + “'By the vartue o' my oath, your honour, it's nothin' but the cat.' And so + Tom then told him all about the affair, and the Squire was regularly + astonished. Just then the bishop of the diocese and the priest of the + parish happened to call in, and heard the story; and the bishop and the + priest had a tough argument for two hours on the subject; the former + swearing she must be a witch; but the priest denying <i>that</i>, and + maintaining she was <i>only</i> enchanted; and that part of the argument + was afterwards referred to the primate, and subsequently to the conclave + at Rome; but the Pope declined interfering about cats, saying he had quite + enough to do minding his own bulls. + </p> + <p> + “'In the meantime, what are we to do with the cat?' says Botherum. + </p> + <p> + “'Burn her,' says the bishop, 'she's a witch.' + </p> + <p> + “<i>Only</i> enchanted,' said the priest—'and the ecclesiastical + court maintains that—' + </p> + <p> + “'Bother the ecclesiastical court!' said the magistrate; 'I can only + proceed on the statutes;' and with that he pulled down all the law-books + in his library, and hunted the laws from Queen Elizabeth down, and he + found that they made laws against everything in Ireland, <i>except a cat</i>. + The devil a thing escaped them but a cat, which did <i>not</i> come within + the meaning of any act of parliament:—<i>the cats only had escaped</i>. + </p> + <p> + “'There's the alien act, to be sure,' said the magistrate, 'and perhaps + she's a French spy, in disguise.' + </p> + <p> + “'She spakes like a French spy, sure enough,' says Tom; 'and she was + missin', I remember, all last Spy-Wednesday.' + </p> + <p> + “'That's suspicious,' says the squire—'but conviction might be + difficult; and I have a fresh idea,' says Botherum. + </p> + <p> + “''Faith, it won't keep fresh long, this hot weather,' says Tom; 'so your + honour had betther make use of it at wanst.' + </p> + <p> + “'Right,' says Botherum,—'we'll make her subject to the game laws; + we'll hunt her,' says he. + </p> + <p> + “'Ow!—elegant!' says Tom;—'we'll have a brave run out of her.' + </p> + <p> + “'Meet me at the cross roads,' says the Squire, 'in the morning, and I'll + have the hounds ready.' + </p> + <p> + “'Well, off Tom went home; and he was racking his brain what excuse he + could make to the cat for not bringing the shoes; and at last he hit one + off, just as he saw her cantering up to him, half-a-mile before he got + home. + </p> + <p> + “'Where's the shoes, Tom?' says she. + </p> + <p> + “'I have not got them to-day, ma'am,' says he. + </p> + <p> + “'Is that the way you keep your promise, Tom?' says she;—'I'll tell + you what it is, Tom—I'll tare the eyes out o' the childre' if you + don't get me shoes.' + </p> + <p> + “'Whisht! whisht!' says Tom, frightened out of his life for his children's + eyes. 'Don't be in a passion, pussy. The shoemaker said he had not a shoe + in his shop, nor a last that would make one to fit you; and he says, I + must bring you into the town for him to take your measure.' + </p> + <p> + “'And when am I to go?' says the cat, looking savage. + </p> + <p> + “'To-morrow,' says Tom. + </p> + <p> + “'It's well you said that, Tom,' said the cat, 'or the devil an eye I'd + leave in your family this night'—and off she hopped. + </p> + <p> + “Tom thrimbled at the wicked look she gave. + </p> + <p> + “'Remember!' says she, over the hedge, with a bitter caterwaul. + </p> + <p> + “'Never fear,' says Tom. Well, sure enough, the next mornin' there was the + cat at cock-crow, licking herself as nate as a new pin, to go into the + town, and out came Tom with a bag undher his arm, and the cat afther him. + </p> + <p> + “'Now git into this, and I'll carry you into the town,' says Tom, opening + the bag. + </p> + <p> + “'Sure I can walk with you,' says the cat. + </p> + <p> + “'Oh, that wouldn't do,' says Tom; 'the people in the town is curious and + slandherous people, and sure it would rise ugly remarks if I was seen with + a cat afther me:—a dog is a man's companion by nature, but cats does + not stand to rayson.' + </p> + <p> + “Well, the cat, seeing there was no use in argument, got into the bag, and + off Tom set to the cross roads with the bag over his shoulder, and he came + up, <i>quite innocent-like</i>, to the corner, where the Squire, and his + huntsman, and the hounds, and a pack o' people were waitin'. Out came the + Squire on a sudden, just as if it was all by accident. + </p> + <p> + “'God save you, Tom,' says he. + </p> + <p> + “'God save you kindly, sir,' says Tom. + </p> + <p> + “'What's that bag you have at your back?' says the Squire. + </p> + <p> + “'Oh, nothin' at all, sir,' says Tom—makin' a face all the time, as + much as to say, I have her safe. + </p> + <p> + “'Oh, there's something in that bag, I think,' says the Squire; 'and you + must let me see it.' + </p> + <p> + “'If you bethray me, Tom Connor,' says the cat in a low voice, 'by this + and that I'll never spake to you again!' + </p> + <p> + “'Pon my honour, sir,' said Tom, with a wink and a twitch of his thumb + towards the bag, 'I haven't anything in it.' + </p> + <p> + “'I have been missing my praties of late,' says the Squire; 'and I'd just + like to examine that bag,' says he. + </p> + <p> + “'Is it doubting my charackther you'd be, sir?' says Tom, pretending to be + in a passion. + </p> + <p> + “'Tom, your sowl!' says the voice in the sack, '<i>if you let the cat out + of the bag</i>, I'll murther you.' + </p> + <p> + “'An honest man would make no objection to be sarched,' said the Squire; + 'and I insist on it,' says he, laying hold o' the bag, and Tom purtending + to fight all the time; but, my jewel! before two minutes, they shook the + cat out o' the bag, sure enough, and off she went with her tail as big as + a sweeping brush, and the Squire, with a thundering view halloo after her, + clapt the dogs at her heels, and away they went for the bare life. Never + was there seen such running as that day—the cat made for a shaking + bog, the loneliest place in the whole country, and there the riders were + all thrown out, barrin' the huntsman, who had a web-footed horse on + purpose for soft places; and the priest, whose horse could go anywhere by + reason of the priest's blessing; and, sure enough, the huntsman and his + riverence stuck to the hunt like wax; and just as the cat got on the + border of the bog, they saw her give a twist as the foremost dog closed + with her, for he gave her a nip in the flank. Still she went on, however, + and headed them well, towards an old mud cabin in the middle of the bog, + and there they saw her jump in at the window, and up came the dogs the + next minit, and gathered round the house with the most horrid howling ever + was heard. The huntsman alighted, and went into the house to turn the cat + out again, when what should he see but an old hag lying in bed in the + corner? + </p> + <p> + “'Did you see a cat come in here?' says he. + </p> + <p> + “'Oh, no—o—o—o!' squealed the old hag, in a trembling + voice; 'there's no cat here,' says she. + </p> + <p> + “'Yelp, yelp, yelp!' went the dogs outside. + </p> + <p> + “'Oh, keep the dogs out o' this,' says the old hag—'oh—o—o—o!' + and the huntsman saw her eyes glare under the blanket, just like a cat's. + </p> + <p> + “'Hillo!' says the huntsman, pulling down the blanket—and what + should he see but the old hag's flank all in a gore of blood. + </p> + <p> + “'Ow, ow! you old divil—is it you? you ould cat!' says he, opening + the door. + </p> + <p> + “In rushed the dogs—up jumped the old hag, and changing into a cat + before their eyes, out she darted through the window again, and made + another run for it; but she couldn't escape, and the dogs gobbled her + while you could say 'Jack Robinson.' But the most remarkable part of this + extraordinary story, gentlemen, is, that the pack was ruined from that day + out; for after having eaten the enchanted cat, <i>the devil a thing they + would ever hunt afterwards but mice.</i>” + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0003" id="link2HCH0003"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXIV + </h2> + <p> + Murphy's story was received with acclamation by all but the little man. + </p> + <p> + “That is all a pack of nonsense,” said he. + </p> + <p> + “Well, you're welcome to it, sir,” said Murphy, “and if I had greater + nonsense you should have it; but seriously, sir, I again must beg you to + remember that the country all around here abounds in enchantment; scarcely + a night passes without some fairy frolic; but, however you may doubt the + wonderful fact of the cat speaking, I wonder you are not impressed with + the points of moral in which the story abounds—” + </p> + <p> + “Fiddlestick!” said the miniature snarler. + </p> + <p> + “First, the little touch about the corn monopoly —then maternal + vanity chastised by the loss of the child's toe—then Tom's + familiarity with his cat, showing the danger arising from a man making too + free with his female domestics—the historical point about the penal + laws—the fatal results of letting the cat out o' the bag, with the + curious final fact in natural history.” + </p> + <p> + [Footnote: Handy Andy was written when the “vexed question” of the “Corn + Laws” was the all-absorbing subject of discussion.] + </p> + <p> + “It's all nonsense,” said the little man, “and I am ashamed of myself for + being such a fool as to sit—alistening to such stuff instead of + going to bed, after the fatigue of my journey and the necessity of rising + early to-morrow, to be in good time at the polling.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh! then you're going to the election, sir?” said Murphy. + </p> + <p> + “Yes, sir—there's some sense in <i>that</i>—and <i>you</i>, + gentlemen, remember we must be <i>all</i> up early—and I recommend + you to follow my example.” + </p> + <p> + The little man rang the bell—the bootjack and slippers were called + for, and, after some delay, a very sleepy-looking <i>gossoon</i> entered + with a bootjack under his arm, but no slippers. + </p> + <p> + “Didn't I say slippers?” said the little man. + </p> + <p> + “You did, sir.” + </p> + <p> + “Where are they, sir?” + </p> + <p> + “The masther says there isn't any, if you plaze, sir.” + </p> + <p> + “No slippers! and you call this an inn? Oh!—well, 'what can't be + cured must be endured'—hold me the bootjack, sir.” + </p> + <p> + The gossoon obeyed—the little man inserted his heel in the cleft, + but, on attempting to pull his foot from the boot, he nearly went heels + over head backward. Murphy caught him and put him on his legs again. + “Heads up, soldiers,” exclaimed Murtough; “I thought you were drinking too + much.” + </p> + <p> + “Sir, I'm not intoxicated!” said the mannikin, snappishly. “It is the + fault of that vile bootjack—what sort of a thing is that you have + brought?” added he in a rage to the <i>gossoon</i>. + </p> + <p> + “It's the bootjack, sir; only one o' the horns is gone, you see,” and he + held up to view a rough piece of board with an angular slit in it, but one + of “the horns,” as he called it, had been broken off at the top, leaving + the article useless. + </p> + <p> + “How dare you bring such a thing as <i>that</i>?” said the little man, in + a great rage. + </p> + <p> + “Why, sir, you ax'd for a bootjack, sure, and I brought you the best I had—and + it's not my fault it's bruk, so it is, for it wasn't me bruk it, but Biddy + batin' the cock.” + </p> + <p> + “Beating the cock!” repeated the little man in surprise. “Bless me! beat a + cock with a bootjack!—what savages!” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, it's not the <i>hen</i> cock I mane, sir,” said the gossoon, “but the + beer cock—she was batin' the cock into the barrel, sir, wid the + bootjack, sir.” + </p> + <p> + “That was decidedly wrong,” said Murphy; “a bootjack is better suited to a + heel-tap than a full measure.” + </p> + <p> + “She was tapping the beer, you mean?” said the little man. + </p> + <p> + “Faix, she wasn't tapping it at all, sir, but hittin' it very hard, she + was, and that's the way she bruk it.” + </p> + <p> + “Barbarians!” exclaimed the little man; “using a bootjack instead of a + hammer!” + </p> + <p> + “Sure the hammer was gone to the priest, sir; bekase he wanted it for the + crucifixion.” + </p> + <p> + “The crucifixion!” exclaimed the little man, horrified; “is it possible + they crucify people?” + </p> + <p> + “Oh no, sir!” said the gossoon, grinning, “it's the picthure I main, sir—an + illigant picthure that is hung up in the chapel, and he wanted a hammer to + dhrive the nails—” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, a <i>picture</i> of the crucifixion,” said the little man. + </p> + <p> + “Yes, sure, sir—the alther-piece, that was althered for to fit to + the place, for it was too big when it came down from Dublin, so they cut + off the sides where the sojers was, bekase it stopt out the windows, and + wouldn't lave a bit o' light for his riverence to read mass; and sure the + sojers were no loss out o' the alther-piece, and was hung up afther in the + vesthery, and serve them right, the blackguards. But it was sore agen our + will to cut off the ladies at the bottom, that was cryin' and roarin'; but + great good luck, the head o' the Blessed Virgin was presarved in the + corner, and sure it's beautiful to see the tears runnin' down her face, + just over the hole in the wall for the holy wather—which is + remarkable.” + </p> + <p> + The gossoon was much offended by the laughter that followed his account of + the altar-piece, which he had no intention of making irreverential, and + suddenly became silent, with a muttered “More shame for yiz;” and as his + bootjack was impracticable, he was sent off with orders for the + chamber-maid to supply bed candles immediately. + </p> + <p> + The party soon separated for their various dormitories, the little man + leaving sundry charges to call them early in the morning, and to be sure + to have hot water ready for shaving, and, without fail, to have their + boots polished in time and left at their room doors;—to all which + injunctions he severally received the answer of—“Certainly, sir;” + and as the bed-room doors were slapped-to, one by one, the last sound of + the retiring party was the snappish voice of the indefatigable little man, + shouting, ere he shut his door,—“Early—early—don't + forget, Mistress Kelly—<i>early!</i>” + </p> + <p> + A shake-down for Murphy in the parlour was hastily prepared; and after + Mrs. Kelly was assured by Murtough that he was quite comfortable, and + perfectly content with his accommodation, for which she made scores of + apologies, with lamentations it was not better, &c., &c., the + whole household retired to rest, and in about a quarter of an hour the inn + was in perfect silence. + </p> + <p> + Then Murtough cautiously opened his door, and after listening for some + minutes, and being satisfied he was the only watcher under the roof, he + gently opened one of the parlour windows and gave the preconcerted signal + which he and Dick had agreed upon. Dick was under the window immediately, + and after exchanging a few words with Murtough, the latter withdrew, and + taking off his boots, and screening with his hand the light of a candle he + carried, he cautiously ascended the stairs, and proceeded stealthily along + the corridor of the dormitory, where, from the chambers on each side, a + concert of snoring began to be executed, and at all the doors stood the + boots and shoes of the inmates awaiting the aid of Day and Martin in the + morning. But, oh! innocent calf-skins—destined to a far different + fate—not Day and Martin, but Dick the Devil and Company are in wait + for you. Murphy collected as many as he could carry under his arms and + descended with them to the parlour window, where they were transferred to + Dick, who carried them directly to the horse-pond which lay behind the + inn, and there committed them to the deep. After a few journeys up and + down stairs, Murtough had left the electors without a morsel of sole or + upper leather, and was satisfied that a considerable delay, if not a + prevention of their appearance at the poll on the morrow, would be the + consequence. + </p> + <p> + “There, Dick,” said Murphy, “is the last of them,” as he handed the little + man's shoes out of the window,—“and now, to save appearances, you + must take mine too—for I must be without boots as well as the rest + in the morning. What fun I shall have when the uproar begins—don't + you envy me, Dick? There, be off now: but hark 'e, notwithstanding you + take away my boots, you need not throw them into the horse-pond.” + </p> + <p> + “'Faith, an' I will,” said Dick, dragging them out of his hands; “'t would + not be honourable, if I didn't—I'd give two pair of boots for the + fun you'll have.” + </p> + <p> + “Nonsense, Dick—Dick, I say—my boots!” + </p> + <p> + “Honour!” cried Dick, as he vanished round the corner. + </p> + <p> + “That devil will keep his word,” muttered Murphy, as he closed the window—“I + may bid good bye to that pair of boots—bad luck to him!” And yet the + merry attorney could not help laughing at Dick making him a sufferer by + his own trick. + </p> + <p> + Dick <i>did</i> keep his word; and after, with particular delight, sinking + Murphy's boots with the rest, he, as it was preconcerted, returned to the + cottage of Barny, and with his assistance drew the upset gig from the + ditch, and with a second set of harness, provided for the occasion, yoked + the servant's horse to the vehicle and drove home. + </p> + <p> + Murphy, meanwhile, was bent on more mischief at the inn; and lest the loss + of the boots and shoes might not be productive of sufficient impediment to + the movements of the enemy, he determined on venturing a step further. The + heavy sleeping of the weary and tipsy travellers enabled him to enter + their chambers unobserved, and over the garments they had taken off he + poured the contents of the water-jug and water-bottle he found in each + room, and then laying the empty bottle and a tumbler on a chair beside + each sleeper's bed, he made it appear as if the drunken men had been dry + in the night, and, in their endeavours to cool their thirst, had upset the + water over their own clothes. The clothes of the little man, in + particular, Murphy took especial delight in sousing more profusely than + his neighbour's, and not content with taking his shoes, burnt his + stockings, and left the ashes in the dish of the candlestick, with just as + much unconsumed as would show what they had been. He then retired to the + parlour, and with many an internal chuckle at the thought of the morning's + hubbub, threw off his clothes and flinging himself on the shake-down Mrs. + Kelly had provided for him, was soon wrapt in the profoundest slumber, + from which he never awoke until the morning uproar of the inn aroused him. + He jumped from his lair and rushed to the scene of action, to soar in the + storm of his own raising; and to make it more apparent that he had been as + great a sufferer as the rest, he only threw a quilt over his shoulders and + did not draw on his stockings. In this plight he scaled the stairs and + joined the storming party, where the little man was leading the forlorn + hope, with his candlestick in one hand and the remnant of his burnt + stocking between the finger and thumb of the other. + </p> + <p> + “Look at that, sir!” he cried, as he held it up to the landlord. + </p> + <p> + The landlord could only stare. + </p> + <p> + “Bless me!” cried Murphy, “how drunk you must have been to mistake your + stocking for an extinguisher!” + </p> + <p> + “Drunk, sir—I wasn't drunk!” + </p> + <p> + “It looks very like it,” said Murphy, who did not wait for an answer, but + bustled off to another party who was wringing out his inexpressibles at + the door of his bed-room, and swearing at the gossoon that he <i>must</i> + have his boots. + </p> + <p> + “I never seen them, sir,” said the boy. + </p> + <p> + “I left them at my door,” said the man. + </p> + <p> + “So did I leave mine,” said Murphy, “and here I am barefooted—it is + most extraordinary.” + </p> + <p> + “Has the house been robbed?” said the innocent elector. + </p> + <p> + “Not a one o' me knows, sir!” said the boy; “but how could it be robbed + and the doors all fast this mornin'?” + </p> + <p> + The landlady now appeared, and fired at the word “robbed!” + </p> + <p> + “Robbed, sir!” exclaimed Mrs. Kelly; “no, sir—no one was ever robbed + in my house—my house is respectable and responsible, sir—a + vartuous house—none o' your rantipole places, sir, I'd have you to + know, but decent and well behaved, and the house was as quiet as a lamb + all night.” + </p> + <p> + “Certainly, Mrs. Kelly,” said Murphy—“not a more respectable house + in Ireland—I'll vouch for that.” + </p> + <p> + “You're a gentleman, Misther Murphy,” said Mrs. Kelly, who turned down the + passage, uttering indignant ejaculations in a sort of snorting manner, + while her words of anger were returned by Murphy with expressions of + soothing and condolence as he followed her down-stairs. + </p> + <p> + The storm still continued above, and while there they shouted and swore + and complained, Murphy gave <i>his</i> notion of the catastrophe to the + landlady below, inferring that the men were drunk and poured the water + over their own clothes. To repeat this idea to themselves he re-ascended, + but the men were incredulous. The little man he found buttoning on a pair + of black gaiters, the only serviceable decency he had at his command, + which only rendered his denuded state more ludicrous. To him Murphy + asserted his belief that the whole affair was enchantment, and ventured to + hope the small individual would have more faith in fairy machinations for + the future; to which the little abortion only returned his usual “Pho! + pho! nonsense!” + </p> + <p> + Through all this scene of uproar, as Murphy passed to and fro, whenever he + encountered the landlord, that worthy individual threw him a knowing look; + and the exclamation of, “Oh, Misther Murphy—by dad!” given in a low + chuckling tone, insinuated that the landlord not only smoked but enjoyed + the joke. + </p> + <p> + “You must lend me a pair of boots, Kelly!” said Murtough. + </p> + <p> + “To be sure, sir—ha! ha! ha!—but you are the quare man, + Misther Murphy—” + </p> + <p> + “Send down the road and get my gig out of the ditch.” + </p> + <p> + “To be sure, sir. Poor devils! purty hands they got into,” and off went + the landlord, with a chuckle. + </p> + <p> + The messengers sent for the gig returned, declaring there was no gig to be + seen anywhere. + </p> + <p> + Murphy affected great surprise at the intelligence—again went among + the bamboozled electors, who were all obliged to go to bed for want of + clothes; and his bitter lamentations over the loss of his gig almost + reconciled them to their minor troubles. + </p> + <p> + To the fears they expressed that they should not be able to reach the town + in time for polling that day, Murphy told them to set their minds at rest, + for they would be in time on the next. + </p> + <p> + He then borrowed a saddle as well as the pair of boots from the landlord, + and the little black mare bore Murphy triumphantly back to the town, after + he had securely impounded Scatterbrain's voters, who were anxiously and + hourly expected by their friends. Still they came not. At last, Handy + Andy, who happened to be in town with Scatterbrain, was despatched to + hurry them, and his orders were not to come back without them. + </p> + <p> + Handy, on his arrival at the inn, found the electors in bed, and all the + fires in the house employed in drying their clothes. The little man, + wrapped in a blanket, was superintending the cooking of his own before the + kitchen grate; there hung his garments on some cross sticks suspended by a + string, after the fashion of a roasting-jack, which the small gentleman + turned before a blazing turf fire; and beside this contrivance of his + swung a goodly joint of meat, which a bouncing kitchen wench came over to + baste now and then. + </p> + <p> + Andy was answering some questions of the inquisitive little man, when the + kitchen maid, handing the basting-ladle to Andy, begged him to do a good + turn and just to baste the beef for her, for that her heart was broke with + all she had to do, cooking dinner for so many. + </p> + <p> + Andy, always ready to oblige, consented, and plied the ladle actively + between the troublesome queries of the little man; but at last, getting + confused with some very crabbed questions put to him, Andy became + completely bothered, and lifting a brimming ladle of dripping, poured it + over the little man's coat instead of the beef. + </p> + <p> + A roar from the proprietor of the clothes followed, and he implanted a + kick at such advantage upon Andy, that he upset him into the dripping-pan; + and Andy, in his fall, endeavouring to support himself, caught at the + suspended articles above him, and the clothes, and the beef, and Andy, all + swam in gravy. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0003" id="linkimage-0003"></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:80%"> + <img alt="Andy's Cooking Extraordinary" src="images/cooking.jpg" + width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0004" id="link2HCH0004"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXV + </h2> + <p> + While disaster and hubbub were rife below, the electors up-stairs were + holding a council whether it would not be better to send back the + “Honourable's” messenger to the town and request a supply of shoes, which + they had no other means of getting. The debate was of an odd sort; they + were all in their several beds at the time, and roared at each other + through their doors, which were purposely left open that they might enjoy + each other's conversation; number seven replied to number three, and + claimed respect to his arguments on the score of seniority; the blue room + was completely controverted by the yellow; and the double-bedded room + would, of course, have had superior weight in the argument, only that + everything it said was lost by the two honourable members speaking + together. The French king used to hold a council called a “bed of + justice,” in which neither justice nor a bed had anything to do, so that + this Irish conference better deserved the title than any council the + Bourbon ever assembled. The debate having concluded, and the question + being put and carried, the usher of the black counterpane was desired to + get out of bed, and, wrapped in the robe of office whence he derived his + title, to go down-stairs and call the “Honourable's” messenger to the “bar + of the house,” and there order him a pint of porter, for refreshment after + his ride; and forthwith to send him back again to the town for a supply of + shoes. + </p> + <p> + The house was unanimous in voting the supplies. The usher reached the + kitchen and found Andy in his shirt sleeves, scraping the dripping from + his livery with an old knife, whose hackled edge considerably assisted + Andy's own ingenuity in the tearing of his coat in many places, while the + little man made no effort towards the repair of his garment, but held it + up before him, and regarded it with a piteous look. + </p> + <p> + To the usher of the black counterpane's question, whether Andy was the + “Honourable's messenger,” Andy replied in the affirmative; but to the + desire expressed, that he would ride back to the town, Andy returned a + decided negative. + </p> + <p> + “My ordhers is not to go back without you,” said Andy. + </p> + <p> + “But we have no shoes,” said the usher; “and cannot go until we get some.” + </p> + <p> + “My ordher is not to go back without you.” + </p> + <p> + “But if we can't go?” + </p> + <p> + “Well, then, I can't go back, that's all,” said Andy. + </p> + <p> + The usher, the landlord, and the landlady all hammered away at Andy for a + long time, in vain trying to convince him he ought to return, as he was + desired; still Andy stuck to the letter of his orders, and said he often + got into trouble for not doing <i>exactly</i> what he was bid, and that he + was bid “not to go back without them, and he would not—so he + wouldn't—divil a fut.” + </p> + <p> + At last, however, Andy was made to understand the propriety of riding back + to the town; and was desired to go as fast as his horse could carry him, + to gallop every foot of the way; but Andy did no such thing; he had + received a good thrashing once for being caught galloping his master's + horse on the road, and he had no intention of running the risk a second + time, because “<i>the stranger</i>” told him to do so. “What does he know + about it?” said Andy to himself; “'faith, it's fair and aisy I'll go, and + not disthress the horse to plaze any one.” So he went back his ten miles + at a reasonable pace only; and when he appeared without the electors, a + storm burst on poor Andy. + </p> + <p> + “There! I knew how it would be,” said he, “and not my fault at all.” + </p> + <p> + “Weren't you told not to return without them?” + </p> + <p> + “But wait till I tell you how it was, sure;” and then Andy began an + account of the condition in which the voters lay at the inn but between + the impatience of those who heard, and the confused manner of Andy's + recital, it was some time before matters were explained; and then Andy was + desired to ride back to the inn again, to tell the electors shoes should + be forwarded after him in a post-chaise, and requesting their utmost + exertions in hastening over to the town, for that the election was going + against them. Andy returned to the inn; and this time, under orders from + head quarters, galloped in good earnest, and brought in his horse smoking + hot, and indicating lameness. The day was wearing apace, and it was so + late when the electors were enabled to start that the polling-booths were + closed before they could leave the town; and in many of these booths the + requisite number of electors had not been polled that day to keep them + open; so that the next day nearly all those outlying electors, about whom + there had been so much trouble and expense, would be of no avail. Thus, + Murphy's trick was quite successful, and the poor pickled electors were + driven back to their inn in dudgeon. + </p> + <p> + Andy, when he went to the stable to saddle his steed, for a return to + Neck-or-Nothing Hall, found him dead lame, so that to ride him better than + twelve miles home was impossible. Andy was obliged to leave him where he + was, and trudge it to the hall; for all the horses in Kelly's stables were + knocked up with their day's work. + </p> + <p> + As it was shorter by four miles across the country than by the road, Andy + pursued the former course; and as he knew the country well, the shades of + evening, which were now closing round, did not deter him in the least. + Andy was not very fresh for the journey to be sure, for he had ridden + upwards of thirty miles that day, so the merry whistle, which is so + constantly heard from the lively Irish pedestrian, did not while away the + tedium of his walk. It was night when Andy was breasting up a low ridge of + hills, which lay between him and the end of his journey; and when in + silence and darkness he topped the ascent, he threw himself on some + heather to rest and take breath. His attention was suddenly caught by a + small blue flame, which flickered now and then on the face of the hill, + not very far from him; and Andy's fears of fairies and goblins came + crowding upon him thick and fast. He wished to rise, but could not; his + eye continued to be strained with the fascination of fear in the direction + he saw the fire, and sought to pierce the gloom through which, at + intervals, the small point of flame flashed brightly and sunk again, + making the darkness seem deeper. Andy lay in perfect stillness, and in the + silence, which was unbroken even by his own breathing, he thought he heard + voices underground. He trembled from head to foot, for he was certain they + were the voices of the fairies, whom he firmly believed to inhabit the + hills. + </p> + <p> + “Oh! murdher, what'll I do?” thought Andy to himself: “sure I heerd often, + if once you were within the sound of their voices, you could never get out + o' their power. Oh! if I could only say a <i>pather</i> and <i>ave</i>, + but I forget my prayers with the fright. Hail, Mary! The king o' the + fairies lives in these hills, I know—and his house is undher me this + minit, and I on the roof of it—I'll never get down again—I'll + never get down again—they'll make me slater to the fairies; and sure + enough I remember me, the hill is all covered with flat stones they call + fairy slates. Oh! I am ruined—God be praised!” Here he blessed + himself, and laid his head close to the earth. “Guardian angels—I + hear their voices singin' a dhrinking song—Oh! if I had a dhrop o' + water myself, for my mouth is as dhry as a lime-burner's wig—and I + on the top o' their house—see—there's the little blaze again—I + wondher is their chimbley afire—Oh! murther, I'll die o' thirst—Oh! + if I had only one dhrop o' wather—I wish it would rain or hail—Hail, + Mary, full o' grace—whisht! what's that?” Andy crouched lower than + before, as he saw a figure rise from the earth, and attain a height which + Andy computed to be something about twenty feet; his heart shrank to the + size of a nut-shell, as he beheld the monster expand to his full + dimensions; and at the same moment, a second, equally large, emerged from + the ground. + </p> + <p> + Now, as fairies are notoriously little people, Andy changed his opinion of + the parties into whose power he had fallen, and saw clearly they were + giants, not fairies, of whom he was about to become the victim. He would + have ejaculated a prayer for mercy, had not terror rendered him + speechless, as the remembrance of all the giants he had ever heard of, + from the days of Jack and the Bean-stalk down, came into his head; but + though his sense of speaking was gone, that of hearing was painfully + acute, and he heard one of the giants say— + </p> + <p> + “That pot is not big enough.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh! it howlds as much as we want,” replied the other. + </p> + <p> + “O Lord,” thought Andy; “they've got their pot ready for cooking.” + </p> + <p> + “What keeps him?” said the first giant. + </p> + <p> + “Oh! he's not far off,” said the second. + </p> + <p> + A clammy shivering came over Andy. + </p> + <p> + “I'm hungry,” said the first, and he hiccupped as he spoke. + </p> + <p> + “It's only a false appetite you have,” said the second, “you're drunk.” + </p> + <p> + This was a new light to Andy, for he thought giants were too strong to get + drunk. “I could ate a young child, without parsley and butther,” said the + drunken giant. Andy gave a faint spasmodic kick. + </p> + <p> + “And it's as hot as —— down there,” said the giant. + </p> + <p> + Andy trembled at the horrid word he heard. + </p> + <p> + “No wonder,” said the second giant; “for I can see the flame popping out + at the top of the chimbley; that's bad: I hope no one will see it, or it + might give them warning. Bad luck to that young divil for making the fire + so sthrong.” + </p> + <p> + What a dreadful hearing this was for Andy: young devils to make their + fires; there was no doubt what place they were dwelling in. “Thunder and + turf!” said the drunken giant; “I wish I had a slice of—” + </p> + <p> + Andy did not hear what he wished a slice of, for the night wind swept + across the heath at the moment, and carried away the monster's disgusting + words on its pure breath. + </p> + <p> + “Well, I'd rather have—” said the other giant; and again Andy lost + what his atrocious desires were—“than all the other slices in the + world. What a lovely round shoulder she has, and the nice round ankle of + her—” + </p> + <p> + The word “ankle” showed at once it was a woman of whom he spoke, and Andy + shuddered. “The monsters! to eat a woman.” + </p> + <p> + “What a fool you are to be in love,” said the drunken giant with several + hiccups, showing the increase of his inebriation. + </p> + <p> + “Is that what the brutes call love,” thought Andy, “to ate a woman?” + </p> + <p> + “I wish she was bone of my bone and flesh of my flesh,” said the second + giant. Of this speech Andy heard only “bone” and “flesh,” and had great + difficulty in maintaining the serenity of his diaphragm. + </p> + <p> + The conversation of the giants was now more frequently interrupted by the + wind which was rising, and only broken sentences reached Andy, whose + senses became clearer the longer he remained in a state of safety; at last + he heard the name of Squire Egan distinctly pass between the giants. + </p> + <p> + “So they know Squire Egan,” thought Andy. + </p> + <p> + The first giant gave a drunken laugh at the mention of Squire Egan's name, + and exclaimed— + </p> + <p> + “Don't be afraid of him (<i>hiccup</i>); I have him undher my thumb (<i>hiccup</i>). + I can crush him when I plase.” + </p> + <p> + “O! my poor owld masther!” mentally ejaculated Andy. + </p> + <p> + Another break in their conversation occurred, and the next name Andy + overheard was “O'Grady.” + </p> + <p> + “The big bully!” said the second giant. + </p> + <p> + “They know the whole country,” thought Andy. + </p> + <p> + “But tell me, what was that you said to him at the election?” said the + drunken one. + </p> + <p> + The word “election” recalled Andy to the business of this earth back + again; and it struck upon his hitherto bewildered sensorium that giants + could have nothing to do with elections, and he knew he never saw them + there; and, as the thought struck him, it seemed as if the giants + diminished in size, and did not appear <i>quite</i> so big. + </p> + <p> + “Sure you know,” said the second. + </p> + <p> + “Well, I'd like to hear it again,” said the drunken one (<i>hiccup</i>). + </p> + <p> + “The big bully says to me, 'Have you a lease?' says he; 'No,' says I; 'but + I have an article!' 'What article?' says he; 'It's a fine brass + blunderbuss,' says I, 'and <i>I'd like to see the man would dispute the + title!</i>'” + </p> + <p> + The drunken listener chuckled, and the words broke the spell of + supernatural terror which had hung over Andy; he knew, by the words of the + speaker, it was the bully joker of the election was present, who browbeat + O'Grady and out-quibbled the agent about the oath of allegiance; and the + voice of the other he soon recognised for that of Larry Hogan. So now his + giants were diminished into mortal men—the pot, which had been + mentioned to the terror of his soul, was for the making of whisky instead + of human broth—and the “hell” he thought his giants inhabited was + but a private still. Andy felt as if a mountain had been lifted from his + heart when he found it was but mortals he had to deal with; for Andy was + not deficient in courage when it was but thews and sinews like his own he + had to encounter. He still lay concealed, however, for smugglers might not + wish their private haunt to be discovered, and it was possible Andy would + be voted one too many in the company should he announce himself; and with + such odds as two to one against him he thought he had better be quiet. + Besides, his curiosity became excited when he found them speaking of his + old master, Egan, and his present one, O'Grady; and as a woman had been + alluded to, and odd words caught up here and there, he became anxious to + hear more of their conversation. + </p> + <p> + “So you're in love,” said Larry, with a hiccup, to our friend of the + blunderbuss; “ha! ha! ha! you big fool.” + </p> + <p> + “Well, you old thief, don't you like a purty girl yourself?” + </p> + <p> + “I did, when I was young and foolish.” + </p> + <p> + “'Faith, then, you're young and foolish at that rate yet, for you're a + rogue with the girls, Larry,” said the other, giving him a slap on the + back. + </p> + <p> + “Not I! not I!” said Larry, in a manner expressive of his not being + displeased with the charge of gallantry; “he! he! he!—how do you + know, eh?” (<i>Hiccup</i>.) “Sure, I know myself; but as I wos telling + you, if I could only lay howld of—” here his voice became inaudible + to Andy, and the rest of the sentence was lost. + </p> + <p> + Andy's curiosity was great. “Who could the girl be?” + </p> + <p> + “And you'd carry her off?” said Larry. + </p> + <p> + “I would,” said the other; “I'm only afraid o' Squire Egan.” + </p> + <p> + At this announcement of the intention of “carrying her off,” coupled with + the fear of “Squire Egan,” Andy's anxiety to hear the name of the person + became so intense that he crawled cautiously a little nearer to the + speakers. + </p> + <p> + “I tell you again,” said Larry, “I can settle <i>him</i> aisy (<i>hiccup</i>)—he's + undher my thumb (<i>hiccup</i>).” + </p> + <p> + “Be aisy,” said the other, contemptuously, who thought this was a mere + drunken delusion of Larry's. + </p> + <p> + “I tell you I'm his masther!” said Larry, with a drunken flourish of his + arm; and he continued bragging of his power over the Squire in various + ejaculations, the exact meaning of which our friend of the blunderbuss + could not fathom, but Andy heard enough to show him that the discovery of + the post-office affair was what Larry alluded to. + </p> + <p> + That Larry, a close, cunning, circumventing rascal, should so far betray + the source of his power over Egan may seem strange; but be it remembered + Larry was drunk, a state of weakness which his caution generally guarded + him from falling into, but which being in, his foible was bragging of his + influence, and so running the risk of losing it. + </p> + <p> + The men continued to talk together for some time, and the tenour of the + conversation was, that Larry assured his companion he might carry off the + girl without fear of Egan, but her name Andy could not discover. His own + name he heard more than once, and voluptuous raptures poured forth about + lovely lips and hips and ankles from the herculean knight of the + blunderbuss, amidst the maudlin admiration and hiccups of Larry, who + continued to brag of his power, and profess his readiness to stand by his + friend in carrying off the girl. + </p> + <p> + “Then,” said the Hercules, with an oath, “I'll soon have you in my arms, + my lovely—” + </p> + <p> + The name was lost again. + </p> + <p> + Their colloquy was now interrupted by the approach of a man and woman, the + former being the person for whose appearance Larry made so many inquiries + when he first appeared to Andy as the hungry giant; the other was the + sister of the knight of the blunderbuss. Larry having hiccupped his anger + against the man for making them wait so long for the bacon, the woman said + he should not wait longer without his supper now, for that she would go + down and fry the rashers immediately. She then disappeared through the + ground, and the men all followed. + </p> + <p> + Andy drew his breath freely once more, and with caution raised himself + gradually from the ground with a careful circumspection, lest any of the + subterranean community might be watchers on the hill; and when he was + satisfied he was free from observation, he stole away from the spot with + stealthy steps for about twenty paces, and there, as well as the darkness + would permit, after taking such landmarks as would help him to retrace his + way to the still, if requisite, he dashed down the hill at the top of his + speed. This pace he did not moderate until he had placed nearly a mile + between him and the scene of his adventure; he then paced slowly to regain + his breath. His head was in a strange whirl; mischief was threatened + against some one of whose name he was ignorant; Squire Egan was declared + to be in the power of an old rascal; this grieved Andy most of all, for he + felt <i>he</i> was the cause of his old master's dilemma. + </p> + <p> + “Oh! to think I should bring him into trouble,” said Andy, “the kind and + good masther he was to me ever, and I live to tell it like a blackguard—throth + I'd rather be hanged any day than the masther would come to throuble—maybe + if I gave myself up and was hanged like a man at once, that would settle + it; 'faith, if I thought it would, I'd do it sooner than Squire Egan + should come to throuble!” and poor Andy spoke just what he felt. “Or would + it do to kill that blackguard Hogan? <i>sure they could do no more than + hang me afther</i>, and that would save the masther, and be all one to me, + for they often towld me I'd be hanged. But then there's my sowl,” said + Andy, and he paused at the thought—, “if they hanged me for the + letthers, it would be only for a mistake, and sure then I'd have a chance + o' glory; for sure I might go to glory through a mistake; but if I killed + a man on purpose, sure it would be slappin' the gates of Heaven in my own + face. Faix, I'll spake to Father Blake about it.” + </p> + <p> + [Footnote: How often has the sanguinary penal code of past years suggested + this reflection and provoked the guilt it was meant to awe! Happily, now + our laws are milder, and more protective from their mildness.] + </p> + <p> + [Footnote: In the foregoing passage, Andy stumbles on uttering a quaint + pleasantry, for it is partly true as well as droll—the notion of a + man gaining Paradise through a mistake. Our intentions too seldom lead us + there, but rather tend the other way, for a certain place is said to be + paved with “good” ones, and surely “bad” ones would not lead us upwards. + Then the phrase of a man “slapping the gates of Heaven in his own face,” + is one of those wild poetic figures of speech in which the Irish peasantry + often indulge. The phrase “slapping the door” is every-day and common; but + when applied to “the gates of Heaven,” and “in a man's own face,” the + common phrase becomes fine. But how often the commonest things become + poetry by the fitness of their application, though poetasters and people + of small minds think greatness of thought lies in big words.] + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0005" id="link2HCH0005"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXVI + </h2> + <p> + The following day was that eventful one which should witness the return of + either Edward Egan, Esq., or the Honourable Sackville Scatterbrain as + member for the county. There was no doubt in any reasonable man's mind as + to the real majority of Egan, but the numbers were sufficiently close to + give the sheriff an opportunity of doing a bit of business to oblige his + friends, and therefore he declared the Honourable Sackville Scatterbrain + duly elected. Great was the uproar; the people hissed, and hooted, and + groaned, for which the Honourable Sackville very good-naturedly returned + them his thanks. Murphy snapped his fingers in the sheriff's face, and + told them his honourable friend should not long remain member, for that he + must be unseated on petition, and that he would prove the return most + corrupt, with which words he again snapped his fingers in the sheriff's + face. + </p> + <p> + The sheriff threatened to read the riot act if such conduct was repeated. + </p> + <p> + Egan took off his hat, and thanked him for his <i>honourable, upright, and + impartial</i> conduct, whereupon all Egan's friends took off their hats + also, and made profound bows to the functionary, and then laughed most + uproariously. Counter laughs were returned from the opposite party, who + begged to remind the Eganites of the old saying, “that they might laugh + who win.” A cross-fire of sarcasms was kept up amidst the two parties as + they were crushing forward out of the courthouse; and at the door, before + entering his carriage, Scatterbrain very politely addressed Egan, and + trusted that, though they had met as rivals on the hustings, they + nevertheless parted friends, and expressing the highest respect for the + squire, offered his hand in amity. + </p> + <p> + Egan, equally good-hearted as his opponent, shook his hand cordially; + declaring he attributed to him none of the blame which attached to other + persons. “Besides, my dear sir,” said Egan, laughing, “I should be a very + ill-natured person to grudge you so small an indulgence as being member of + parliament <i>for a month or so</i>.” + </p> + <p> + Scatterbrain returned the laugh, good-humouredly, and replied that, “at + all events, he <i>had</i> the seat.” + </p> + <p> + “Yes, my dear sir,” said Egan, “and make the most of it <i>while</i> you + have it. In short, I shall owe you an obligation when I go over to St. + Stephen's, for you will have just <i>aired my seat</i> for me—good + bye.” + </p> + <p> + They parted with smiles, and drove to their respective homes; but as even + doubtful possession is preferable to expectation for the time being, it is + certain that Neck-or-Nothing Hall rang with more merriment that night on + the reality of the present, than Merryvale did on the hope of the future. + </p> + <p> + Even O'Grady, as he lay with his wounded arm on the sofa, found more + healing in the triumph of the hour than from all the medicaments of the + foregoing week, and insisted on going down-stairs and joining the party at + supper. + </p> + <p> + “Gusty, dear,” said his wife, “you know the doctor said—” + </p> + <p> + “Hang the doctor!” + </p> + <p> + “Your arm, my love.” + </p> + <p> + “I wish you'd leave off pitying my arm, and have some compassion on my + stomach.” + </p> + <p> + “The doctor said—” + </p> + <p> + “There are oysters in the house; I'll do myself more good by the use of an + oyster-knife than all the lancets in the College of Surgeons.” + </p> + <p> + “But your wound, dear?” + </p> + <p> + “Are they Carlingfords or Poldoodies?” + </p> + <p> + “So fresh, love.” + </p> + <p> + “So much the better.” + </p> + <p> + “Your wound I mean, dear?” + </p> + <p> + “Nicely opened.” + </p> + <p> + “Only dressed an hour ago?” + </p> + <p> + “With some mustard, pepper, and vinegar.” + </p> + <p> + “Indeed, Gusty, if you take my advice—” + </p> + <p> + “I'd rather have oysters any day.” + </p> + <p> + O'Grady sat up on the sofa as he spoke and requested his wife to say no + more about the matter, but put on his cravat. While she was getting it + from his wardrobe, his mind wandered from supper to the pension, which he + looked upon as secure now that Scatterbrain was returned; and oyster-banks + gave place to the Bank of Ireland, which rose in a pleasing image before + O'Grady's imagination. The wife now returned with the cravat, still + dreading the result of eating to her husband, and her mind occupied wholly + with the thought of supper, while O'Grady was wrapt in visions of a + pension. + </p> + <p> + “You won't take it, Gusty, dear,” said his wife with all the insinuation + of manner she could command. + </p> + <p> + “Won't I, 'faith?” said O'Grady. “Maybe you think I don't want it?” + </p> + <p> + “Indeed, I don't, dear.” + </p> + <p> + “Are you mad, woman? Is it taking leave of the few senses you ever had you + are?” + </p> + <p> + “'T won't agree with you.” + </p> + <p> + “Won't it? just wait till I'm tried.” + </p> + <p> + “Well, love, how much do you expect to be allowed?” + </p> + <p> + “Why I can't expect much just yet—we must begin gently—feel + the pulse first; but I should hope, by way of start, that six or seven + hundred—” + </p> + <p> + “Gracious Heaven!” exclaimed his wife, dropping the cravat from her hands. + “What the devil is the woman shouting at?” said O'Grady. + </p> + <p> + “Six or seven hundred!!!” exclaimed Mrs. O'Grady; “my dear, there's not as + much in the house.” + </p> + <p> + “No, nor has not been for many a long day; I know that as well as you,” + said O'Grady; “but I hope we shall get as much for all that.” + </p> + <p> + “My dear, where could you get them?” asked the wife, timidly, who began to + think his head was a little light. + </p> + <p> + “From the treasury, to be sure.” + </p> + <p> + “The treasury, my dear?” said the wife, still at fault; “how could you get + oysters from the treasury?” + </p> + <p> + “Oysters!” exclaimed O'Grady, whose turn it was now to wonder, “who talks + of oysters?” + </p> + <p> + “My dear, I thought you said you'd eat six or seven hundred of oysters!” + </p> + <p> + “Pooh! pooh! woman; it is of the pension I'm talking—six or seven + hundred pounds—pounds—cash—per annum; now I suppose + you'll put on my cravat. I think a man may be allowed to eat his supper + who expects six hundred a year.” + </p> + <p> + A great many people besides O'Grady order suppers, and dinners too, on the + expectation of less than six hundred a year. Perhaps there is no more + active agent for sending people into the Insolvent Court than the + aforesaid “<i>expectation</i>.” + </p> + <p> + O'Grady went down-stairs, and was heartily welcomed by Scatterbrain on his + re-appearance from his sick-room; but Mrs. O'Grady suggested that, for + fear any excess would send him back there for a longer time, a very + moderate indulgence at the table should suffice. She begged the honourable + member to back her argument, which he did; and O'Grady promised + temperance, but begged the immediate appearance of the oysters, for he + experienced that eager desire which delicate health so often prompts for + some particular food. + </p> + <p> + Andy was laying the table at the time, and was ordered to expedite matters + as much as possible. + </p> + <p> + “Yis, ma'am.” + </p> + <p> + “You're sure the oysters are all good, Andy?” + </p> + <p> + “Sartin, ma'am.” + </p> + <p> + “Because the last oysters you know—” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, yis, ma'am—were bad, ma'am—bekase they had their mouths + all open. I remember, ma'am; but when I'm towld a thing once, I never + forget it again; and you towld me when they opened their mouths once they + were no good. So you see, ma'am, I'll never bring up bad oysthers again, + ma'am.” + </p> + <p> + “Very good, Andy; and you have kept them in a cool place, I hope.” + </p> + <p> + “Faix, they're cowld enough where I put them, ma'am.” + </p> + <p> + “Very well; bring them up at once.” + </p> + <p> + Off went Andy, and returned with all the haste he could with a large dish + heaped up with oysters. + </p> + <p> + O'Grady rubbed his hands with the impatience of a true lover of the + crustaceous delicacy, and Scatterbrain, eager to help him, flourished his + oyster-knife; but before he had time to commence operations the olfactory + nerves of the company gave evidence that the oysters were rather + suspicious; every one began sniffing, and a universal “Oh dear!” ran round + the table. + </p> + <p> + “Don't you smell it, Furlong?” said Scatterbrain, who was so lost in + looking at Augusta's mustachios that he did not mind anything else. + </p> + <p> + “Isn't it horrid?” said O'Grady, with a look of disgust. + </p> + <p> + Furlong thought he alluded to the mustachio, and replied with an assurance + that he “liked it of all things.” + </p> + <p> + “Like it?” said O'Grady; “you've a queer taste. What do <i>you</i> think + of it, miss?” added he to Augusta, “it's just under your nose.” Furlong + thought this rather personal, even from a father. + </p> + <p> + “I'll try my knife on one,” said Scatterbrain, with a flourish of the + oyster-knife, which Furlong thought resembled the preliminary trial of a + barber's razor. + </p> + <p> + Furlong thought this worse than O'Grady; but he hesitated to reply to his + chief, and an <i>honourable</i> into the bargain. + </p> + <p> + In the meantime, Scatterbrain opened an oyster, which Furlong, in his + embarrassment and annoyance, did not perceive. + </p> + <p> + “Cut off the beard,” said O'Grady, “I don't like it.” + </p> + <p> + This nearly made Furlong speak, but, considering O'Grady's temper and + ill-health, he hesitated, till he saw Augusta rubbing her eye, in + consequence of a small splinter of the oyster-shell having struck it from + Scatterbrain's mismanagement of his knife; but Furlong thought she was + crying, and then he could be silent no longer; he went over to where she + sat, and with a very affectionate demonstration in his action, said, + “Never mind them, dear Gussy—never mind—don't cwy—I love + her dear little moustachios, I do.” He gave a gentle pat on the back of + the neck as he spoke, and it was returned by an uncommonly smart box on + the ear from the young lady, and the whole party looked thunderstruck. + “Dear Gussy” cried for spite, and stamped her way out of the room, + followed by Furlong. + </p> + <p> + “Let them go,” said O'Grady; “they'll make it up outside.” + </p> + <p> + “These oysters are all bad,” said Scatterbrain. + </p> + <p> + O'Grady began to swear at his disappointment—he had set his heart on + oysters. Mrs. O'Grady rang the bell—Andy appeared. + </p> + <p> + “How dare you bring up such oysters as these?” roared O'Grady. + </p> + <p> + “The misthris ordhered them, sir.” + </p> + <p> + “I told you never to bring up bad oysters,” said she. + </p> + <p> + “Them's not bad, ma'am,” said Andy, + </p> + <p> + “Have you a nose?” says O'Grady. + </p> + <p> + “Yes, sir.” + </p> + <p> + “And can't you smell them, then?” + </p> + <p> + “Faix, I smelt them for the last three days, sir.” + </p> + <p> + “And how could you say they were good, then?” asked his mistress. + </p> + <p> + “Sure you tould me, ma'am, that if they didn't open their mouths they were + good, and I'll be on my book oath them oysters never opened their mouths + since I had them, for I laid them on a coolflag in the kitchen and put the + jack-weight over them.” + </p> + <p> + Notwithstanding O'Grady's rage, Scatterbrain could not help roaring with + laughter at Andy's novel contrivance for keeping oysters fresh. Andy was + desired to take the “ancient and fish-like smell” out of the room, amidst + jeers and abuse; and, as he fumbled his way to the kitchen in the dark, + lamenting the hard fate of servants, who can never give satisfaction, + though they do everything they are bid, he went head over heels + down-stairs, which event was reported to the whole house as soon as it + happened, by the enormous clatter of the broken dish, the oysters, and + Andy, as they all rolled one over the other to the bottom. + </p> + <p> + O'Grady, having missed the cool supper he intended, and had longed for, + was put into a rage by the disappointment; and as hunger with O'Grady was + only to be appeased by broiled bones, accordingly, against all the + endeavours of everybody, the bells rang violently through the house, and + the ogre-like cry of “broiled bones!” resounded high and low. + </p> + <p> + The reader is sufficiently well acquainted with O'Grady by this time to + know, that of course, when once he had determined to have his broiled + bone, nothing on the face of the earth could prevent it but the want of + anything to broil, or the immediate want of his teeth; and as his + masticators were in order, and something in the house which could carry + mustard and pepper, the invalid primed and loaded himself with as much + combustible matter as exploded in a fever the next day. + </p> + <p> + The supper-party, however, in the hope of getting him to bed, separated + soon; and as Scatterbrain and Furlong were to start early in the morning + for Dublin, the necessity of their retiring to rest was pleaded. The + honourable member had not been long in his room when he heard a tap at his + door, and his order to “come in” was followed by the appearance of Handy + Andy. + </p> + <p> + “I found somethin' on the road nigh the town to-day, sir, and I thought it + might be yours, maybe,” said Andy, producing a small pocket-book. + </p> + <p> + The honourable member disavowed the ownership. + </p> + <p> + “Well, there's something else I want to speak to your honour about.” + </p> + <p> + “What is it, Handy?” + </p> + <p> + “I want your honour to see the account of the money your honour gave me + that I spint at the <i>shebeen</i> [Footnote: Low publick house.] upon the + 'lecthors that couldn't be accommodated at Mrs. Fay's.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh! never mind it, Andy; if there's anything over, keep it yourself.” + </p> + <p> + “Thank your honour, but I must make the account all the same, if you + plaze, for I'm going to Father Blake, to my duty, [Footnote: Confession.] + soon, and I must have my conscience as clear as I can, and I wouldn't like + to be keeping money back.” + </p> + <p> + “But if I give you the money, what matter?” + </p> + <p> + “I'd rather you'd just look over this little bit of a count, if you + plaze,” said Andy, producing a dirty piece of paper, with some nearly + inscrutable hieroglyphics upon it. Scatterbrain commenced an examination + of this literary phenomenon from sheer curiosity, asking Andy at the same + time if <i>he</i> wrote it. + </p> + <p> + “Yis, sir,” said Andy; “but you see the man couldn't keep the count of the + piper's dhrink at all, it was so confusin', and so I was obliged to pay + him for that every time the piper dhrunk, and keep it separate, and the + 'lecthors that got their dinner afther the bill was made out I put down + myself too, and that's it you see, sir, both ating and dhrinkin'.” + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + To Dhrinkin A blind piper everry day + wan and in Pens six dais 0 16 6 + To atein four Tin Illikthurs And Thare 1 8 8 + horses on Chewsdai 0 14 0 + ————- + Toe til 2 19 4 + Lan lord Bil For All Be four 7 17 8-1/2 + ————- + 10 18 12-1/2 +</pre> + <p> + “Then I owe you money, instead of your having a balance in hand, Andy,” + said the member. + </p> + <p> + “Oh, no matter, your honour; it's not for that I showed you the account.” + </p> + <p> + “It's very like it, though,” said Scatterbrain, laughing; “here, Andy, + here are a couple of pounds for you, take them, Andy—take it and be + off; your bill is worth the money,” and Scatterbrain closed the door on + the great accountant. + </p> + <p> + Andy next went to Furlong's room, to know if the pocket-book belonged to + him; it did not, but Furlong, though he disclaimed the ownership, had that + small curiosity which prompts little minds to pry into what does not + belong to them, and taking the pocket-book into his hands, he opened it, + and fumbled over its leaves; in the doing of which a small piece of folded + paper fell from one of the pockets unnoticed by the impertinent inquisitor + or Andy, to whom he returned the book when he had gratified his senseless + curiosity. Andy withdrew, Furlong retired to rest; and as it was in the + grey of an autumnal morning he dressed himself, the paper still remained + unobserved: so that the housemaid, on setting the room to rights, found + it, and fancying Miss Augusta was the proper person to confide Mr. + Furlong's stray papers to, she handed that young lady the manuscript which + bore the following copy of verses:— + </p> + <h3> + I CAN NE'ER FORGET THEE + </h3> + <h3> + I + </h3> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + It is the chime, the hour draws near + When you and I must sever; + Alas, it must be many a year, + And it <i>may</i> be for ever! + How long till we shall meet again! + How short since first I met thee! + How brief the bliss—how long the pain— + For I can ne'er forget thee. +</pre> + <h3> + II + </h3> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + You said my heart was cold and stern; + You doubted love when strongest: + In future days you'll live to learn + Proud hearts can love the longest. + Oh! sometimes think, when press'd to hear, + When flippant tongues beset thee, + That <i>all</i> must love thee, when thou'rt near, + But <i>one</i> will ne'er forget thee! +</pre> + <h3> + III + </h3> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + The changeful sand doth only know + The shallow tide and latest; + The rocks have mark'd its highest flow, + The deepest and the greatest; + And deeper still the flood-marks grow:— + So, since the hour I met thee, + The more the tide of time doth flow, + The less can I forget thee! +</pre> + <p> + When Augusta saw the lines, she was charmed. She discovered her Furlong to + be a poet! That the lines were his there was no doubt—they were <i>found + in his room,</i> and of course they <i>must</i> be his, just as partial + critics say certain Irish airs must be English, because they are to be + found in Queen Elizabeth's music-book. + </p> + <p> + Augusta was so charmed with the lines that she amused herself for a long + time in hiding them under the sofa-cushion and making her pet dog find and + fetch them. Her pleasure, however, was interrupted by her sister Charlotte + remarking, when the lines were shown to her in triumph, that the writing + was not Furlong's, but in a lady's hand. + </p> + <p> + Even as beer is suddenly soured by thunder, so the electric influence of + Charlotte's words converted all Augusta had been brewing to acidity; + jealousy stung her like a wasp, and she boxed her dog's ears as he was + barking for another run with the verses. + </p> + <p> + “A <i>lady's</i> hand?” said Augusta, snatching the paper from her sister; + “I declare if it ain't! the wretch—so he receives lines from + ladies.” + </p> + <p> + “I think I know the hand, too,” said Charlotte. + </p> + <p> + “You do?” exclaimed Augusta, with flashing eyes. + </p> + <p> + “Yes, I'm certain it is Fanny Dawson's writing.” + </p> + <p> + “So it is,” said Augusta, looking at the paper as if her eyes could have + burnt it; “to be sure—he was there before he came here.” + </p> + <p> + “Only for two days,” said Charlotte, trying to slake the flame she had + raised. + </p> + <p> + “But I've heard that girl always makes conquests at first sight,” returned + Augusta, half crying; “and what do I see here? some words in pencil.” + </p> + <p> + The words were so faint as to be scarcely perceptible, but Augusta + deciphered them; they were written on the margin, beside a circumflex + which embraced the last four lines of the second verse, so that it stood + thus:— + </p> + <p class="side"> + Dearest, I will. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + Oh! sometimes think, when press'd to hear, + When flippant tongues beset thee, + That <i>all</i> must love thee when thou'rt near, + But <i>one</i> will ne'er forget thee! +</pre> + <p> + “Will you, indeed?” said Augusta, crushing the paper in her hand, and + biting it; “but I must not destroy it—I must keep it to prove his + treachery to his face.” She threw herself on the sofa as she spoke, and + gave vent to an outpour of spiteful tears. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0006" id="link2HCH0006"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXVII + </h2> + <p> + How many chapters have been written about love verses—and how many + more might be written!—might, would, could, should, or ought to be + written!—I will venture to say, <i>will</i> be written! I have a + mind to fulfil my own prophecy and write one myself; but no—my story + must go on. However, I <i>will</i> say, that it is quite curious in how + many ways the same little bit of paper may influence different people: the + poem whose literary merit may be small becomes precious when some valued + hand has transcribed the lines; and the verses whose measure and meaning + viewed in type might win favour and yield pleasure, shoot poison from + their very sweetness, when read in some particular hand and under + particular circumstances. It was so with the copy of verses Augusta had + just read—they were Fanny Dawson's manuscript—that was certain—and + found in the room of Augusta's lover; therefore Augusta was wretched. But + these same lines had given exquisite pleasure to another person, who was + now nearly as miserable as Augusta in having lost them. It is possible the + reader guesses that person to be Edward O'Connor, for it was he who had + lost the pocket-book in which those (to him) precious lines were + contained; and if the little case had held all the bank-notes he ever + owned in his life, their loss would have been regarded less than that bit + of manuscript, which had often yielded <i>him</i> the most exquisite + pleasure, and was now inflicting on Augusta the bitterest anguish. To make + this intelligible to the reader, it is necessary to explain under what + circumstances the lines were written. At one time, Edward, doubting the + likelihood of making his way at home, was about to go to India and push + his fortunes there; and at that period, those lines, breathing of farewell—implying + the dread of rivals during absence—and imploring remembrance of his + eternal love, were written and given to Fanny; and she, with that delicacy + of contrivance so peculiarly a woman's, hit upon the expedient of copying + his own verses and sending them to him in her writing, as an indication + that the spirit of the lines was her own. + </p> + <p> + But Edward saw that his father, who was advanced in years, looked upon a + separation from his son as an eternal one, and the thought gave so much + pain, that Edward gave up the idea of expatriation. Shortly after, + however, the misunderstanding with Major Dawson took place, and Fanny and + Edward were as much severed as if dwelling in different zones. Under such + circumstances, those lines were peculiarly precious, and many a kiss had + Edward impressed upon them, though Augusta thought them fitter for the + exercise of her teeth than her lips. In fact, Edward did little else than + think of Fanny; and it is possible his passion might have degenerated into + mere love-sickness, and enfeebled him, had not his desire of proving + himself worthy of his mistress spurred him to exertion, in the hope of + future distinction. But still the tone of tender lament pervaded all his + poems, and the same pocket-book whence the verses which caused so much + commotion fell contained the following also, showing how entirely Fanny + possessed his heart and occupied his thoughts:— + </p> + <h3> + WHEN THE SUN SINKS TO REST + </h3> + <h3> + I + </h3> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + When the sun sinks to rest, + And the star of the west + Sheds its soft silver light o'er the sea; + What sweet thoughts arise, + As the dim twilight dies— + For then I am thinking of thee! + Oh! then crowding fast + Come the joys of the past, + Through the dimness of days long gone by, + Like the stars peeping out, + Through the darkness about, + From the soft silent depth of the sky. +</pre> + <h3> + II + </h3> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + And thus, as the night + Grows more lovely and bright + With the clust'ring of planet and star, + So this darkness of mine + Wins a radiance divine + From the light that still lingers afar. + Then welcome the night, + With its soft holy light! + In its silence my heart is more free + The rude world to forget, + Where no pleasure I've met + Since the hour that I parted from thee. +</pre> + <p> + But we must leave love verses, and ask pardon for the few remarks which + the subject tempted, and pursue our story. + </p> + <p> + The first prompting of Augusta's anger, when she had recovered her burst + of passion, was to write “<i>such a letter</i>” to Furlong—and she + spent half a day at the work; but she could not please herself—she + tore twenty at least, and determined, at last, not to write at all, but + just wait till he returned and overwhelm him with reproaches. But, though + she could not compose a letter, she composed herself by the endeavour, + which acted as a sort of safety-valve to let off the superabundant steam; + and it is wonderful how general is this result of sitting down to write + angry letters: people vent themselves of their spleen on the uncomplaining + paper, which silently receives words a listener would not. With a pen for + our second, desperate satisfaction is obtained with only an effusion of + ink, and when once the pent-up bitterness has oozed out in all the + blackness of that fluid—most appropriately made of the best galls—the + time so spent, and the “letting of words,” if I may use the phrase, has + cooled our judgment and our passions together; and the first letter is + torn: 't is <i>too</i> severe; we write a second; we blot and interline + till it is nearly illegible; we begin a third; till at last we are tired + out with our own angry feelings, and throw our scribbling by with a + “Pshaw! what's the use of it?” or, “It's not worth my notice;” or, still + better, arrive at the conclusion, that we preserve our own dignity best by + writing without temper, though we may be called upon to be severe. + </p> + <p> + Furlong at this time was on his road to Dublin in happy unconsciousness of + Augusta's rage against him, and planning what pretty little present he + should send her specially, for his head was naturally running on such + matters, as he had quantities of commissions to execute in the millinery + line for Mrs. O'Grady, who thought it high time to be getting up Augusta's + wedding-dresses, and Andy was to be despatched the following day to Dublin + to take charge of a cargo of bandboxes back from that city to + Neck-or-Nothing Hall. Furlong had received a thousand charges from the + ladies, “to be sure to lose no time” in doing his devoir in their behalf, + and he obeyed so strictly, and was so active in laying milliners and + mercers under contributions, that Andy was enabled to start the day after + his arrival, sorely against Andy's will, for he would gladly have remained + amidst the beauty and grandeur and wonders of Dublin, which struck him + dumb for the day he was amongst them, but gave him food for conversation + for many a day after. Furlong, after racking his invention about the + souvenir to his “dear Gussy,” at length fixed on a fan, as the most + suitable gift; for Gussy had been quizzed at home about “blushing,” and + all that sort of thing, and the puerile perceptions of the <i>attache</i> + saw something very smart in sending her wherewith “to hide her blushes.” + Then the fan was the very pink of fans; it had quivers and arrows upon it, + and bunches of hearts looped up in azure festoons, and doves perched upon + them; though Augusta's little sister, who was too young to know what + hearts and doves were, when she saw them for the first time, said they + were pretty little birds picking at apples. The fan was packed up in a + nice case, and then on scented note paper did the dear dandy indite a bit + of namby-pamby badinage to his fair one, which he thought excessively + clever:— + </p> + <p> + “DEAR DUCKY DARLING,—You know how naughty they are in quizzing you + about a little something, <i>I won't say what,</i> you will guess, I dare + say—but I send you a little toy, <i>I won't say what,</i> on which + Cupid might write this label after the doctor's fashion, 'To be used + occasionally, when the patient is much troubled with the symptoms.' + </p> + <p> + “Ever, ever, ever yours, + </p> + <p> + “P.S. Take care how you open it.” + </p> + <h3> + “J.F.” + </h3> + <p> + Such was the note that Handy Andy was given, with particular injunctions + to deliver it the first thing on his arrival at the Hall to Miss Augusta, + and to be sure to take most particular care of the little case; all which + Andy faithfully promised to do. But Andy's usual destiny prevailed, and an + unfortunate exchange of parcels quite upset all Furlong's sweet little + plan of his pretty present and his ingenious note: for as Andy was just + taking his departure, Furlong said he might as well leave something for + him at Reade's, the cutler, as he passed through College Green, and he + handed him a case of razors which wanted setting, which Andy popped into + his pocket, and as the fan case and that of the razors were much of a + size, and both folded up, Andy left the fan at the cutler's and took the + case of razors by way of present to Augusta. Fancy the rage of a young + lady with a very fine pair of <i>moustachios</i> getting such a souvenir + from her lover, with a note, too, every word of which applied to a beard + and a razor, as patly as to a blush and a fan—and this, too, when + her jealousy was aroused and his fidelity more than doubtful in her + estimation. + </p> + <p> + Great was the row in Neck-or-Nothing Hall; and when, after three days, + Furlong came down, the nature of his reception may be better imagined than + described. It was a difficult matter, through the storm which raged around + him, to explain all the circumstances satisfactorily, but, by dint of hard + work, the verses were at length disclaimed, the razors disavowed, and Andy + at last sent for to “clear matters up.” + </p> + <p> + Andy was a hopeful subject for such a purpose, and by his blundering + answers nearly set them all by the ears again; the upshot of the affair + was, that Andy, used as he was to good scoldings, never had such a torrent + of abuse poured on him in his life, and the affair ended in Andy being + dismissed from Neck-or-Nothing Hall on the instant; so he relinquished his + greasy livery for his own rags again, and trudged homewards to his + mother's cabin. + </p> + <p> + “She'll be as mad as a hatter with me,” said Andy; “bad luck to them for + razhirs, they cut me out o' my place: but I often heard cowld steel is + unlucky, and sure I know it now. Oh! but I'm always unfort'nate in having + cruked messages. Well, it can't be helped; and one good thing at all + events is, I'll have time enough now to go and spake to Father Blake;” and + with this sorry piece of satisfaction poor Andy contented himself. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0007" id="link2HCH0007"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXVIII + </h2> + <p> + The Father Blake, of whom Andy spoke, was more familiarly known by the + name of Father Phil, by which title Andy himself would have named him, had + he been telling how Father Phil cleared a fair, or equally “leathered” + both the belligerent parties in a faction-fight, or turned out the + contents (or malcontents) of a public-house at an improper hour; but when + he spoke of his Reverence respecting ghostly matters, the importance of + the subject begot higher consideration for the man, and the familiar + “Father Phil” was dropped for the more respectful title of Father Blake. + By either title, or in whatever capacity, the worthy Father had great + influence over his parish, and there was a free-and-easy way with him, + even in doing the most solemn duties, which agreed wonderfully with the + devil-may-care spirit of Paddy. Stiff and starched formality in any way is + repugnant to the very nature of Irishmen; and I believe one of the surest + ways of converting all Ireland from the Romish faith would be found, if we + could only manage to have her mass celebrated with the dry coldness of the + Reformation. This may seem ridiculous at first sight, and I grant it is a + grotesque way of viewing the subject, but yet there may be truth in it; + and to consider it for a moment seriously, look at the fact, that the + north of Ireland is the stronghold of Protestantism, and that the north is + the <i>least</i> Irish portion of the island. There is a strong admixture + of Scotch there, and all who know the country will admit that there is + nearly as much difference between men from the north and south of Ireland + as from different countries. The Northerns retain much of the cold + formality and unbending hardness of the stranger-settlers from whom they + are descended, while the Southerns exhibit that warm-hearted, lively, and + poetical temperament for which the country is celebrated. The prevailing + national characteristics of Ireland are not to be found in the north, + where Protestantism flourishes; they are to be found in the south and + west, where it has never taken root. And though it has never seemed to + strike theologians, that in their very natures some people are more + adapted to receive one faith than another, yet I believe it to be true, + and perhaps not quite unworthy of consideration. There are forms, it is + true, and many in the Romish church, but they are not <i>cold</i> forms, + but <i>attractive</i> rather, to a sensitive people; besides, I believe + those very forms, when observed the least formally, are the most + influential on the Irish; and perhaps the splendours of a High Mass in the + gorgeous temple of the Holy City would appeal less to the affections of an + Irish peasant than the service he witnesses in some half-thatched ruin by + a lone hillside, familiarly hurried through by a priest who has sharpened + his appetite by a mountain ride of some fifteen miles, and is saying mass + (for the third time most likely) before breakfast, which consummation of + his morning's exercise he is anxious to arrive at. + </p> + <p> + It was just in such a chapel, and under such circumstances, that Father + Blake was celebrating the mass at which Andy was present, and after which + he hoped to obtain a word of advice from the worthy Father, who was much + more sought after on such occasions than his more sedate superior who + presided over the spiritual welfare of the parish—and whose solemn + celebration of the mass was by no means so agreeable as the lighter + service of Father Phil. The Rev. Dominick Dowling was austere and + long-winded; <i>his</i> mass had an oppressive effect on his congregation, + and from the kneeling multitude might be seen eyes fearfully looking up + from under bent brows, and low breathings and subdued groans often rose + above the silence of his congregation, who felt like sinners, and whose + imaginations were filled with the thoughts of Heaven's anger; while the + good-humoured face of the light-hearted Father Phil produced a + corresponding brightness on the looks of his hearers, who turned up their + whole faces in trustfulness to the mercy of that Heaven whose propitiatory + offering their pastor was making for them in cheerful tones, which + associated well with thoughts of pardon and salvation. + </p> + <p> + Father Dominick poured forth his spiritual influence like a strong dark + stream that swept down the hearer—hopelessly struggling to keep his + head above the torrent, and dreading to be overwhelmed at the next word. + Father Phil's religion bubbled out like a mountain rill—bright, + musical, and refreshing. Father Dominick's people had decidedly need of + cork jackets; Father Phil's might drink and be refreshed. + </p> + <p> + But with all this intrinsic worth, he was, at the same time, a strange man + in exterior manners; for, with an abundance of real piety, he had an + abruptness of delivery and a strange way of mixing up an occasional remark + to his congregation in the midst of the celebration of the mass, which + might well startle a stranger; but this very want of formality made him + beloved by the people, and they would do ten times as much for Father Phil + as for Father Dominick. + </p> + <p> + On the Sunday in question, when Andy attended the chapel, Father Phil + intended delivering an address to his flock from the altar, urging them to + the necessity of bestirring themselves in the repairs of the chapel, which + was in a very dilapidated condition, and at one end let in the rain + through its worn-out thatch. A subscription was necessary; and to raise + this among a very impoverished people was no easy matter. The weather + happened to be unfavourable, which was most favourable to Father Phil's + purpose, for the rain dropped its arguments through the roof upon the + kneeling people below in the most convincing manner; and as they + endeavoured to get out of the wet, they pressed round the altar as much as + they could, for which they were reproved very smartly by his Reverence in + the very midst of the mass, and these interruptions occurred sometimes in + the most serious places, producing a ludicrous effect, of which the worthy + Father was quite unconscious in his great anxiety to make the people + repair the chapel. + </p> + <p> + A big woman was elbowing her way towards the rails of the altar, and + Father Phil, casting a sidelong glance at her, sent her to the + right-about, while he interrupted his appeal to Heaven to address her + thus:—<i>“Agnus Dei</i>—you'd better jump over the rails of + the althar, I think. Go along out o' that, there's plenty o' room in the + chapel below there.” + </p> + <p> + Then he would turn to the altar, and proceed with the service, till + turning again to the congregation he perceived some fresh offender. + </p> + <p> + <i>“Orate, fratres!</i>—will you mind what I say to you and go along + out of that? there's room below there. Thrue for you, Mrs. Finn—it's + a shame for him to be thramplin' on you. Go along, Darby Casy, down there, + and kneel in the rain; it's a pity you haven't a dacent woman's cloak + undher you indeed!—<i>Orate, fratres!</i>” + </p> + <p> + Then would the service proceed again, and while he prayed in silence at + the altar, the shuffling of feet edging out of the rain would disturb him, + and casting a backward glance, he would say— + </p> + <p> + “I hear you there—can't you be quiet and not be disturbin' the mass, + you haythens?” + </p> + <p> + Again he proceeded in silence, till the crying of a child interrupted him. + He looked round quickly. + </p> + <p> + “You'd better kill the child, I think, thramplin' on him, Lavery. Go out + o' that—your conduct is scandalous—<i>Dominus vobiscum!</i>” + Again he turned to pray, and after some time he made an interval in the + service to address his congregation on the subject of the repairs, and + produced a paper containing the names of subscribers to that pious work + who had already contributed, by way of example to those who had not. + </p> + <p> + “Here it is,” said Father Phil, “here it is, and no denying it—down + in black and white; but if they who give are down in black, how much + blacker are those who have not given at all!—but I hope they will be + ashamed of themselves when I howld up those to honour who have contributed + to the uphowlding of the house of God. And isn't it ashamed o' yourselves + you ought to be, to leave His house in such a condition—and doesn't + it rain a'most every Sunday, as if He wished to remind you of your duty? + aren't you wet to the skin a'most every Sunday? Oh, God is good to you! to + put you in mind of your duty, giving you such bitther cowlds that you are + coughing and sneezin' every Sunday to that degree that you can't hear the + blessed mass for a comfort and a benefit to you; and so you'll go on + sneezin' until you put a good thatch on the place, and prevent the + appearance of the evidence from Heaven against you every Sunday, which is + condemning you before your faces, and behind your backs too, for don't I + see this minit a strame o' wather that might turn a mill running down + Micky Mackavoy's back, between the collar of his coat and his shirt?” + </p> + <p> + Here a laugh ensued at the expense of Micky Mackavoy, who certainly <i>was</i> + under a very heavy drip from the imperfect roof. + </p> + <p> + “And is it laughing you are, you haythens?” said Father Phil, reproving + the merriment which he himself had purposely created, <i>that he might + reprove it</i>. “Laughing is it you are—at your backslidings and + insensibility to the honour of God—laughing, because when you come + here to be <i>saved</i> you are <i>lost</i> intirely with the wet; and + how, I ask you, are my words of comfort to enter your hearts, when the + rain is pouring down your backs at the same time? Sure I have no chance of + turning your hearts while you are undher rain that might turn a mill—but + once put a good roof on the house, and I will inundate you with piety! + Maybe it's Father Dominick you would like to have coming among you, who + would grind your hearts to powdher with his heavy words.” (Here a low + murmur of dissent ran through the throng.) “Ha! ha! so you wouldn't like + it, I see. Very well, very well—take care then, for if I find you + insensible to my moderate reproofs, you hard-hearted haythens—you + malefacthors and cruel persecuthors, that won't put your hands in your + pockets, because your mild and quiet poor fool of a pasthor has no tongue + in his head!—I say your mild, quiet, poor fool of a pasthor (for I + know my own faults, partly, God forgive me!), and I can't spake to you as + you deserve, you hard-living vagabones, that are as insensible to your + duties as you are to the weather. I wish it was sugar or salt you were + made of, and then the rain might melt you if I couldn't: but no—them + naked rafthers grin in your face to no purpose—you chate the house + of God; but take care, maybe you won't chate the divil so aisy”—(here + there was a sensation). “Ha! ha! that makes you open your ears, does it? + More shame for you; you ought to despise that dirty enemy of man, and + depend on something betther—but I see I must call you to a sense of + your situation with the bottomless pit undher you, and no roof over you. + Oh dear! dear! dear!—I'm ashamed of you—troth, if I had time + and sthraw enough, I'd rather thatch the place myself than lose my time + talking to you; sure the place is more like a stable than a chapel. Oh, + think of that!—the house of God to be like a stable!—for + though our Redeemer, in his humility, was born in a stable, that is no + reason why you are to keep his house always like one. + </p> + <p> + “And now I will read you the list of subscribers, and it will make you + ashamed when you hear the names of several good and worthy Protestants in + the parish, and out of it, too, who have given more than the Catholics.” + </p> + <p> + He then proceeded to read the following list, which he interlarded + copiously with observations of his own; making <i>vivâ voce</i> marginal + notes as it were upon the subscribers, which were not unfrequently + answered by the persons so noticed, from the body of the chapel, and + laughter was often the consequence of these rejoinders, which Father Phil + never permitted to pass without a retort. Nor must all this be considered + in the least irreverent. A certain period is allowed between two + particular portions of the mass, when the priest may address his + congregation on any public matter: an approaching pattern, or fair, or the + like; in which, exhortations to propriety of conduct, or warnings against + faction fights, &c., are his themes. Then they only listen in + reverence. But when a subscription for such an object as that already + mentioned is under discussion, the flock consider themselves entitled to + “put in a word” in case of necessity. + </p> + <p> + This preliminary hint is given to the reader, that he may better enter + into the spirit of Father Phil's + </p> + <p> + SUBSCRIPTION LIST FOR THE REPAIRS AND ENLARGEMENT OF BALLY-SLOUGHGUTPHERY + CHAPEL + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + £ s. d. PHILIP BLAKE, P.P. + Micky Hicky 0 7 6 “He might as well have made ten + shillings: but half a loaf is betther + than no bread.” + + “Plase your reverence,” says + Mick, from the body of the chapel, + “sure seven and six-pence is more + than the half of ten shillings.” + (<i>A laugh</i>.) + + “Oh! how witty you are. 'Faith, + if you knew your duty as well as + your arithmetic, it would be betther + for you, Micky.” + + Here the Father turned the laugh + against Mick. + + £ s. d. + Bill Riley 0 3 4 “Of course he means to subscribe + again. + + £ s. d. + John Dwyer 0 15 0 “That's something like! I'll + be bound he's only keeping back + the odd five shillings for a brush + full o' paint for the althar; it's as + black as a crow, instead o' being as + white as a dove.” + + He then hurried over rapidly some + small subscribers as follows:— + + Peter Heffernan 0 1 8 + James Murphy 0 2 6 + Mat Donovan 0 1 3 + Luke Dannely 0 3 0 + Jack Quigly 0 2 1 + Pat Finnegan 0 2 2 + Edward O'Connor, Esq. 2 0 0 “There's for you! Edward + O'Connor, Esq., <i>a Protestant in the + parish</i>—Two pounds!” + + “Long life to him,” cried a voice + in the chapel. + + “Amen,” said Father Phil; “I'm + not ashamed to be clerk to so good + a prayer. + + Nicholas Fagan 0 2 6 + Young Nicholas Fagan 0 5 0 “Young Nick is better than owld + Nick, you see.” + + The congregation honoured the + Father's demand on their risibility. + + £ s. d. + Tim Doyle 0 7 6 + Owny Doyl 1 0 0 “Well done, Owny na Coppal—you + deserve to prosper for you + make good use of your thrivings. + + £ s. d. + Simon Leary 0 2 6 + Bridget Murphy 0 10 0 “You ought to be ashamed o' + yourself, Simon: a lone widow + woman gives more than you.” + + Simon answered, “I have a large + family, sir, and she has no childhre.” + + “That's not her fault,” said the + priest—“and maybe she'll mend o' + that yet.” This excited much + merriment, for the widow was buxom, + and had recently buried an old + husband, and, by all accounts, was + cocking her cap at a handsome young + fellow in the parish. + + £ s. d. + Judy Moylan 0 5 0 Very good, Judy; the women are + behaving like gentlemen; they'll + have their reward in the next world. + + Pat Finnerty 0 3 4 “I'm not sure if it is 8s. 4d. or + 3s. 4d., for the figure is blotted— + but I believe it is 8s. 4d.” + + “It was three and four pince + I gave your reverence,” said Pat + from the crowd. + + “Well, Pat, as I said eight and + four pence you must not let me go + back o' my word, so bring me five + shillings next week.” + + “Sure you wouldn't have me pay + for a blot, sir?” + + “Yes, I would—that's the rule + of back-mannon, you know, Pat. + When I hit the blot, you pay + for it.” + + Here his reverence turned round, + as if looking for some one, and + called out, “Rafferty! Rafferty! + Rafferty! Where are you, Rafferty?” + + An old grey-headed man appeared, + bearing a large plate, and Father + Phil continued— + + “There now, be active—I'm + sending him among you, good people, + and such as cannot give as + much as you would like to be read + before your neighbours, give what + little you can towards the repairs, + and I will continue to read out the + names by way of encouragement to + you, and the next name I see is + that of Squire Egan. Long life to + him! + £ s. d. + Squire Egan 5 0 0 “Squire Egan—five pounds— + listen to that—five pounds—a + Protestant in the parish—five + pounds! 'Faith, the Protestants will + make you ashamed of yourselves, if + we don't take care. + £ s. d. + Mrs. Flanagan 2 0 0 “Not her own parish, either—a + kind lady. + + £ s. d. + James Milligan + of Roundtown 1 0 0 “And here I must remark that + the people of Roundtown have not + been backward in coming forward + on this occasion. I have a long list + from Roundtown—I will read it + separate.” He then proceeded at a + great pace, jumbling the town and + the pounds and the people in a most + extraordinary manner: “James + Milligan of Roundtown, one pound; + Darby Daly of Roundtown, one + pound; Sam Finnigan of Roundtown, + one pound; James Casey of + Roundpound, one town; Kit Dwyer + of Townpound, one round—pound + I mane; Pat Roundpound—Pounden, + I mane—Pat Pounden a pound + of Poundtown also—there's an + example for you!—but what are you + about, Rafferty? <i>I don't like the + sound of that plate of yours</i>;— + you are not a good gleaner—go up + first into the gallery there, where I + see so many good-looking bonnets—I + suppose they will give something to + keep their bonnets out of the rain, + for the wet will be into the gallery + next Sunday if they don't. I think + that is Kitty Crow I see, getting her + bit of silver ready; them ribbons of + yours cost a trifle, Kitty. Well, + good Christians, here is more of the + subscription for you. + £ s. d. + Matthew Lavery 0 2 6 “<i>He</i> doesn't belong to + Roundtown—Roundtown will be renowned + in future ages for the support + of the Church. Mark my + words—Roundtown will prosper + from this day out—Roundtown + will be a rising place. + + Mark Hennessy 0 2 6 + Luke Clancy 0 2 6 + John Doolin 0 2 6 “One would think they all agreed + only to give two and sixpence apiece. + And they comfortable men, too! + And look at their names—Matthew, + Mark, Luke, and John, the + names of the Blessed Evangelists, + and only ten shillings among them! + Oh, they are apostles not worthy of + the name—we'll call them the <i>Poor + Apostles</i> from this out” (here a + low laugh ran through the chapel)— + “Do you hear that, Matthew, Mark, + Luke, and John? 'Faith! I can tell + you that name will stick to you.'” + (Here the laugh was louder.) + + A voice, when the laugh subsided, + exclaimed, “I'll make it ten + shillin's, your reverence.” + + “Who's that?” said Father Phil. + + “Hennessy, your reverence.” + + “Very well, Mark. I suppose + Matthew, Luke, and John will follow + your example?” + + “We will, your reverence.” + + “Ah! I thought you made a mistake; + we'll call you now the <i>Faithful + Apostles</i>—and I think the change + in the name is better than seven + and sixpence apiece to you. + + “I see you in the gallery there, + Rafferty. What do you pass that + well-dressed woman for?—thry back + —ha!—see that—she had her money + ready if you only asked for it—don't + go by that other woman + there—oh, oh!—So you won't give + anything, ma'am. You ought to be + ashamed of yourself. There is a + woman with an elegant sthraw bonnet, + and she won't give a farthing. + Well now—afther that—remember—I + give it from the althar, that + <i>from this day out sthraw bonnets + pay fi'penny pieces.</i> + + £ s. d. + Thomas Durfy, Esq. 1 0 0 “It's not his parish and he's a + brave gentleman. + + £ s. d. + Miss Fanny Dawson 1 0 0 “<i>A Protestant out of the parish</i>, + and a sweet young lady, God bless + her! Oh, 'faith, the Protestants is + shaming you!!! + + £ s. d. + Dennis Fannin 0 7 6 “Very good, indeed, for a working + mason.” + + Jemmy Riley 0 5 0 “Not bad for a hedge-carpenther.” + </pre> + <p> + “I gave you ten, plaze, your reverence,” shouted Jemmy, “and by the same + token, you may remember it was on the Nativity of the Blessed Vargin, sir, + I gave you the second five shillin's.” + </p> + <p> + “So you did, Jemmy,” cried Father Phil—“I put a little cross before + it, to remind me of it; but I was in a hurry to make a sick call when you + gave it to me, and forgot it after: and indeed myself doesn't know what I + did with that same five shillings.” + </p> + <p> + Here a pallid woman, who was kneeling near the rails of the altar, uttered + an impassioned blessing, and exclaimed, “Oh, that was the very five + shillings, I'm sure, you gave to me that very day, to buy some little + comforts for my poor husband, who was dying in the fever!”—and the + poor woman burst into loud sobs as she spoke. + </p> + <p> + A deep thrill of emotion ran through the flock as this accidental proof of + their poor pastor's beneficence burst upon them; and as an affectionate + murmur began to rise above the silence which that emotion produced, the + burly Father Philip blushed like a girl at this publication of his + charity, and even at the foot of that altar where he stood, felt something + like shame in being discovered in the commission of that virtue so highly + commended by the Holy One to whose worship the altar was raised. He + uttered a hasty “Whisht—whisht!” and waved with his outstretched + hands his flock into silence. + </p> + <p> + In an instant one of those sudden changes common to an Irish assembly, and + scarcely credible to a stranger, took place. The multitude was hushed—the + grotesque of the subscription list had passed away and was forgotten, and + that same man and that same multitude stood in altered relations—<i>they</i> + were again a reverent flock, and <i>he</i> once more a solemn pastor; the + natural play of his nation's mirthful sarcasm was absorbed in a moment in + the sacredness of his office; and with a solemnity befitting the highest + occasion, he placed his hands together before his breast, and raising his + eyes to Heaven he poured forth his sweet voice, with a tone of the deepest + devotion, in that reverential call to prayer, “<i>Orate</i>, <i>fratres</i>.” + </p> + <p> + The sound of a multitude gently kneeling down followed, like the soft + breaking of a quiet sea on a sandy beach; and when Father Philip turned to + the altar to pray, his pent-up feelings found vent in tears; and while he + prayed, he wept. + </p> + <p> + I believe such scenes as this are not of unfrequent occurrence in Ireland; + that country so long-suffering, so much maligned, and so little + understood. + </p> + <p> + Suppose the foregoing scene to have been only described antecedent to the + woman in the outbreak of her gratitude revealing the priest's charity, + from which he recoiled,—suppose the mirthfulness of the incidents + arising from reading the subscription-list—a mirthfulness bordering + on the ludicrous—to have been recorded, and nothing more, a stranger + would be inclined to believe, and pardonable in the belief, that the Irish + and their priesthood were rather prone to be irreverent; but observe, + under this exterior, the deep sources of feeling that lie hidden and wait + but the wand of divination to be revealed. In a thousand similar ways are + the actions and the motives of the Irish understood by those who are + careless of them; or worse, misrepresented by those whose interest, and + too often <i>business</i>, it is to malign them. + </p> + <p> + Father Phil could proceed no further with the reading of the + subscription-list, but finished the office of the mass with unusual + solemnity. But if the incident just recorded abridged his address, and the + publication of donors' names by way of stimulus to the less active, it + produced a great effect on those who had but smaller donations to drop + into the plate; and the grey-headed collector, who could have numbered the + scanty coin before the bereaved widow had revealed the pastor's charity, + had to struggle his way afterwards through the eagerly outstretched hands + that showered their hard-earned pence upon the plate, which was borne back + to the altar heaped with contributions, heaped as it had not been seen for + many a day. The studied excitement of their pride and their shame—and + both are active agents in the Irish nature—was less successful than + the accidental appeal to their affections. + </p> + <p> + Oh! rulers of Ireland, why have you not sooner learned to <i>lead</i> that + people by love, whom all your severity has been unable to <i>drive</i>? + [Footnote: When this passage was written Ireland was disturbed (as she has + too often been) by special parliamentary provocation:—the vexatious + vigilance of legislative lynxes—the peevishness of paltry + persecutors.] + </p> + <p> + When the mass was over, Andy waited at the door of the chapel to catch + “his riverence” coming out, and obtain his advice about what he overheard + from Larry Hogan; and Father Phil was accordingly accosted by Andy just as + he was going to get into his saddle to ride over to breakfast with one of + the neighbouring farmers, who was holding the priest's stirrup at the + moment. The extreme urgency of Andy's manner, as he pressed up to the + pastor's side, made the latter pause and inquire what he wanted. “I want + to get some advice from your riverence,” said Andy. + </p> + <p> + “'Faith, then, the advice I give you is never to stop a hungry man when he + is going to refresh himself,” said Father Phil, who had quite recovered + his usual cheerfulness, and threw his leg over his little grey hack as he + spoke. “How could you be so unreasonable as to expect me to stop here + listening to your case, and giving you advice indeed, when I have said + three masses [Footnote: The office of the mass must be performed fasting.] + this morning, and rode three miles; how could you be so unreasonable, I + say?” + </p> + <p> + “I ax your riverence's pardon,” said Andy; “I wouldn't have taken the + liberty, only the thing is mighty particular intirely.” + </p> + <p> + “Well, I tell you again, never ask a hungry man advice; for he is likely + to cut his advice on the patthern of his stomach, and it's empty advice + you'll get. Did you never hear that a 'hungry stomach has no ears'?” + </p> + <p> + The farmer who was to have the honour of the priest's company to breakfast + exhibited rather more impatience than the good-humoured Father Phil, and + reproved Andy for his conduct. + </p> + <p> + “But it's so particular,” said Andy. + </p> + <p> + “I wondher you would dar' to stop his riverence, and he black fastin'. Go + 'long wid you!” + </p> + <p> + “Come over to my house in the course of the week, and speak to me,” said + Father Phil, riding away. + </p> + <p> + Andy still persevered, and taking advantage of the absence of the farmer, + who was mounting his own nag at the moment, said the matter of which he + wished to speak involved the interests of Squire Egan, or he would not + “make so bowld.” + </p> + <p> + This altered the matter; and Father Phil desired Andy to follow him to the + farm-house of John Dwyer, where he would speak to him after he had + breakfasted. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0008" id="link2HCH0008"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXIX + </h2> + <p> + John Dwyer's house was a scene of activity that day, for not only was the + priest to breakfast there—always an affair of honour—but a + grand dinner was also preparing on a large scale; for a wedding-feast was + to be held in the house, in honour of Matty Dwyer's nuptials, which were + to be celebrated that day with a neighbouring young farmer, rather well to + do in the world. The match had been on and off for some time, for John + Dwyer was what is commonly called a “close-fisted fellow,” and his + would-be son-in-law could not bring him to what he considered proper + terms, and though Matty liked young Casey, and he was fond of her, they + both agreed not to let old Jack Dwyer have the best of the bargain in + portioning off his daughter, who, having a spice of her father in her, was + just as fond of <i>number one</i> as old Jack himself. And here it is + worthy of remark, that, though the Irish are so prone in general to early + and improvident marriages, no people are closer in their nuptial barter, + when they are in a condition to make marriage a profitable contract. + Repeated meetings between the elders of families take place, and acute + arguments ensue, properly to equalise the worldly goods to be given on + both sides. Pots and pans are balanced against pails and churns, cows + against horses, a slip of bog against a gravel-pit, or a patch of meadow + against a bit of a quarry; a little lime-kiln sometimes burns stronger + than the flame of Cupid—the doves of Venus herself are but crows in + comparison with a good flock of geese—and a love-sick sigh less + touching than the healthy grunt of a good pig; indeed, the last-named + gentleman is a most useful agent in this traffic, for when matters are + nearly poised, the balance is often adjusted by a grunter or two thrown + into either scale. While matters are thus in a state of debate, quarrels + sometimes occur between the lovers the gentleman's caution sometimes takes + alarm, and more frequently the lady's pride is aroused at the too obvious + preference given to worldly gain over heavenly beauty; Cupid shies at + Mammon, and Hymen is upset and left in the mire. + </p> + <p> + I remember hearing of an instance of this nature, when the lady gave her + <i>ci-devant</i> lover an ingenious reproof, after they had been separated + some time, when a marriage-bargain was broken off, because the lover could + not obtain from the girl's father a certain brown filly as part of her + dowry. The damsel, after the lapse of some weeks, met her swain at a + neighbouring fair, and the flame of love still smouldering in his heart + was re-illumined by the sight of his charmer, who, on the contrary, had + become quite disgusted with <i>him</i> for his too obvious preference of + profit to true affection. He addressed her softly in a tent, and asked her + to dance, but was most astonished at her returning him a look of vacant + wonder, which tacitly implied, <i>“Who are you?”</i> as plain as looks + could speak. + </p> + <p> + “Arrah, Mary,” exclaimed the youth. + </p> + <p> + “Sir!!!”—answered Mary, with what heroines call “ineffable disdain.” + </p> + <p> + “Why one would think you didn't know me!” + </p> + <p> + “If I ever had the honour of your acquaintance, sir,” answered Mary, “I + forget you entirely.” + </p> + <p> + “Forget me, Mary?—arrah be aisy—is it forget the man that was + courtin' and in love with you?” + </p> + <p> + “You're under a mistake, young man,” said Mary, with a curl of her rosy + lip, which displayed the pearly teeth to whose beauty her woman's nature + rejoiced that the recreant lover was not yet insensible—“You're + under a mistake, young man,” and her heightened colour made her eye flash + more brightly as she spoke—“you're quite under a mistake—no + one was ever in love with <i>me</i>;” and she laid signal emphasis on the + word. “There was a dirty mane blackguard, indeed, once <i>in love with my + father's brown filly,</i> but I forget him intirely.” + </p> + <p> + Mary tossed her head proudly as she spoke, and her filly-fancying admirer, + reeling under the reproof she inflicted, sneaked from the tent, while Mary + stood up and danced with a more open-hearted lover, whose earnest eye + could see more charms in one lovely woman than all the horses of Arabia. + </p> + <p> + But no such result as this was likely to take place in Matty Dwyer's case; + she and her lover agreed with one another on the settlement to be made, + and old Jack was not to be allowed an inch over what was considered an + even bargain. At length all matters were agreed upon, the wedding-day + fixed, and the guests invited; yet still both parties were not satisfied, + but young Casey thought he should be put into absolute possession of a + certain little farm and cottage, and have the lease looked over to see all + was right (for Jack Dwyer was considered rather slippery), while old Jack + thought it time enough to give him possession and the lease and his + daughter altogether. + </p> + <p> + However, matters had gone so far that, as the reader has seen, the + wedding-feast was prepared, the guests invited, and Father Phil on the + spot to help James and Matty (in the facetious parlance of Paddy) to “tie + with their tongues what they could not undo with their teeth.” + </p> + <p> + When the priest had done breakfast, the arrival of Andy was announced to + him, and Andy was admitted to a private audience with Father Phil, the + particulars of which must not be disclosed; for in short, Andy made a + regular confession before the Father, and, we know, confessions must be + held sacred; but we may say that Andy confided the whole post-office + affair to the pastor—told him how Larry Hogan had contrived to worm + that affair out of him, and by his devilish artifice had, as Andy feared, + contrived to implicate Squire Egan in the transaction, and, by threatening + a disclosure, got the worthy Squire into his villanous power. Andy, under + the solemn queries of the priest, positively denied having said one word + to Hogan to criminate the Squire, and that Hogan could only infer the + Squire's guilt; upon which Father Phil, having perfectly satisfied + himself, told Andy to make his mind easy, for that he would secure the + Squire from any harm, and he moreover praised Andy for the fidelity he + displayed to the interests of his old master, and declared he was so + pleased with him, that he would desire Jack Dwyer to ask him to dinner. + “And that will be no blind nut, let me tell you,” said Father Phil—“a + wedding dinner, you lucky dog—'lashings [Footnote: Overflowing + abundance, and plenty left after.] and lavings,' and no end of dancing + afther!” + </p> + <p> + Andy was accordingly bidden to the bridal feast, to which the guests began + already to gather thick and fast. They strolled about the field before the + house, basked in groups in the sunshine, or lay in the shade under the + hedges, where hints of future marriages were given to many a pretty girl, + and to nudges and pinches were returned small screams suggestive of + additional assault—and inviting denials of “Indeed I won't,” and + that crowning provocative to riotous conduct, “Behave yourself.” + </p> + <p> + In the meantime, the barn was laid out with long planks, supported on + barrels or big stones, which planks, when covered with clean cloths, made + a goodly board, that soon began to be covered with ample wooden dishes of + corned beef, roasted geese, boiled chickens and bacon, and intermediate + stacks of cabbage and huge bowls of potatoes, all sending up their wreaths + of smoke to the rafters of the barn, soon to become hotter from the crowd + of guests, who, when the word was given, rushed to the onslaught with + right good will. + </p> + <p> + The dinner was later than the hour named, and the delay arose from the + absence of one who, of all others, ought to have been present, namely, the + bridegroom. But James Casey was missing, and Jack Dwyer had been closeted + from time to time with several long-headed greybeards, canvassing the + occurrence, and wondering at the default on the bridegroom's part. The + person who might have been supposed to bear this default the worst + supported it better than any one. Matty was all life and spirits, and + helped in making the feast ready, as if nothing wrong had happened; and + she backed Father Phil's argument to sit down to dinner at once;—“that + if James Casey was not there, that was no reason dinner should be spoiled, + he'd be there soon enough; besides, if he didn't arrive in time, it was + better he should have good meat cold, than everybody have hot meat + spoiled: the ducks would be done to cindhers, the beef boiled to rags, and + the chickens be all in jommethry.” + </p> + <p> + So down they sat to dinner: its heat, its mirth, its clatter, and its good + cheer we will not attempt to describe; suffice it to say, the viands were + good, the guests hungry, and the drink unexceptionable; and Father Phil, + no bad judge of such matters, declared he never pronounced grace over a + better spread. But still, in the midst of the good cheer, neighbours (the + women particularly) would suggest to each other the “wondher” where the + bridegroom could be; and even within ear-shot of the bride elect, the + low-voiced whisper ran, of “Where in the world is James Casey?” + </p> + <p> + Still the bride kept up her smiles, and cheerfully returned the healths + that were drunk to her; but old Jack was not unmoved; a cloud hung on his + brow, which grew darker and darker as the hour advanced, and the + bridegroom yet tarried. The board was cleared of the eatables, and the + copious jugs of punch going their round; but the usual toast of the united + healths of the happy pair could not be given, for one of them was absent. + Father Phil hardly knew what to do; for even his overflowing cheerfulness + began to forsake him, and a certain air of embarrassment began to pervade + the whole assembly, till Jack Dwyer could bear it no longer, and, standing + up, he thus addressed the company:— + </p> + <p> + “Friends and neighbours, you see the disgrace that's put on me and my + child.” + </p> + <p> + A murmur of “No, no!” ran round the board. + </p> + <p> + “I say, yis.” + </p> + <p> + “He'll come yet, sir,” said a voice. + </p> + <p> + “No, he won't,” said Jack, “I see he won't—I know he won't. He + wanted to have everything all his own way, and he thinks to disgrace me in + doing what he likes, but he shan't”; and he struck the table fiercely as + he spoke; for Jack, when once his blood was up, was a man of desperate + determination. “He's a greedy chap, the same James Casey, and he loves his + bargain betther than he loves you, Matty, so don't look glum about what + I'm saying: I say he's greedy: he's just the fellow that, if you gave him + the roof off your house, would ax you for the rails before your door; and + he goes back of his bargain now, bekase I would not let him have it all + his own way, and puts the disgrace on me, thinkin' I'll give in to him, + through that same; but I won't. And I tell you what it is, friends and + neighbours; here's the lease of the three-cornered field below there,” and + he held up a parchment as he spoke, “and a snug cottage on it, and it's + all ready for the girl to walk into with the man that will have her; and + if there's a man among you here that's willing, let him say the word now, + and I'll give her to him!” + </p> + <p> + The girl could not resist an exclamation of surprise, which her father + hushed by a word and look so peremptory, that she saw remonstrance was in + vain, and a silence of some moments ensued; for it was rather startling, + this immediate offer of a girl who had been so strangely slighted, and the + men were not quite prepared to make advances, until they knew something + more of the why and wherefore of her sweetheart's desertion. + </p> + <p> + “Are yiz all dumb?” exclaimed Jack, in surprise. “Faix, it's not every day + a snug little field and cottage and a good-looking girl falls in a man's + way. I say again, I'll give her and the lase to the man that will say the + word.” + </p> + <p> + Still no one spoke, and Andy began to think they were using Jack Dwyer and + his daughter very ill, but what business had <i>he</i> to think of + offering himself, “a poor devil like him”? But, the silence still + continuing, Andy took heart of grace; and as the profit and pleasure of a + snug match and a handsome wife flushed upon him, he got up and said, + “Would I do, sir?” + </p> + <p> + Every one was taken by surprise, even old Jack himself; and Matty could + not suppress a faint exclamation, which every one but Andy understood to + mean “she didn't like it at all,” but which Andy interpreted quite the + other way, and he grinned his loutish admiration of Matty, who turned away + her head from him in sheer distaste, which action Andy took for mere + coyness. + </p> + <p> + Jack was in a dilemma, for Andy was just the last man he would have chosen + as a husband for his daughter; but what could he do? he was taken at his + word, and even at the worst he was determined that some one should marry + the girl out of hand, and show Casey the “disgrace should not be put on + him”; but, anxious to have another chance, he stammered something about + the fairness of “letting the girl choose,” and that “some one else might + wish to spake”; but the end of all was, that no one rose to rival Andy, + and Father Phil bore witness to the satisfaction he had that day in + finding so much uprightness and fidelity in “the boy”; that he had raised + his character much in his estimation by his conduct that day; and if he + was a little giddy betimes, there was nothing like a wife to steady him; + and if he was rather poor, sure Jack Dwyer could mend that. + </p> + <p> + “Then come up here,” says Jack; and Andy left his place at the very end of + the board and marched up to the head, amidst clapping of hands and + thumping of the table, and laughing and shouting. + </p> + <p> + “Silence!” cried Father Phil, “this is no laughing matther, but a serious + engagement—and, John Dwyer, I tell you—and you Andy Rooney, + that girl must not be married against her own free-will; but if she has no + objection, well and good.” + </p> + <p> + “My will is her pleasure, I know,” said Jack, resolutely. + </p> + <p> + To the surprise of every one, Matty said, “Oh, I'll take the boy with all + my heart!” + </p> + <p> + Handy Andy threw his arms round her neck and gave her a most vigorous + salute which came smacking off, and thereupon arose a hilarious shout + which made the old rafters of the barn ring again. + </p> + <p> + “There's the lase for you,” said Jack, handing the parchment to Andy, who + was now installed in the place of honour beside the bride elect at the + head of the table, and the punch circulated rapidly in filling to the + double toast of health, happiness, and prosperity to the “happy pair”; and + after some few more circuits of the enlivening liquor had been performed, + the women retired to the dwelling-house, whose sanded parlour was put in + immediate readiness for the celebration of the nuptial knot between Matty + and the adventurous Andy. + </p> + <p> + In half an hour the ceremony was performed, and the rites and blessings of + the Church dispensed between two people, who, an hour before, had never + looked on each other with thoughts of matrimony. + </p> + <p> + Under such circumstances it was wonderful with what lightness of spirit + Matty went through the honours consequent on a peasant bridal in Ireland: + these, it is needless to detail; our limits would not permit; but suffice + it to say, that a rattling country-dance was led off by Andy and Matty in + the barn, intermediate jigs were indulged in by the “picked dancers” of + the parish, while the country dancers were resting and making love (if + making love can be called rest) in the corners, and that the pipers and + punch-makers had quite enough to do until the night was far spent, and it + was considered time for the bride and bridegroom to be escorted by a + chosen party of friends to the little cottage which was to be their future + home. The pipers stood at the threshold of Jack Dwyer, and his daughter + departed from under the “roof-tree” to the tune of “Joy be with you”; and + then the lilters, heading the body-guard of the bride, plied drone and + chanter right merrily until she had entered her new home, thanked her old + friends (who did all the established civilities, and cracked all the usual + jokes attendant on the occasion); and Andy bolted the door of the snug + cottage of which he had so suddenly become master, and placed a seat for + the bride beside the fire, requesting <i>“Miss Dwyer”</i> to sit down—for + Andy could not bring himself to call her “Matty” yet—and found + himself in an awkward position in being “lord and master” of a girl he + considered so far above him a few hours before; Matty sat quiet, and + looked at the fire. + </p> + <p> + “It's very quare, isn't it?” says Andy with a grin, looking at her + tenderly, and twiddling his thumbs. + </p> + <p> + “What's quare?” inquired Matty, very drily. + </p> + <p> + “The estate,” responded Andy. + </p> + <p> + “What estate?” asked Matty. + </p> + <p> + “Your estate and my estate,” said Andy. + </p> + <p> + “Sure you don't call the three-cornered field my father gave us an estate, + you fool?” answered Matty. + </p> + <p> + “Oh no,” said Andy. “I mane the blessed and holy estate of matrimony the + priest put us in possession of;” and Andy drew a stool near the heiress, + on the strength of the hit he thought he had made. + </p> + <p> + “Sit at the other side of the fire,” said Matty, very coldly. + </p> + <p> + “Yes, miss,” responded Andy, very respectfully; and in shoving his seat + backwards the legs of the stool caught in the earthen floor, and Andy + tumbled heels over head. + </p> + <p> + Matty laughed while Andy was picking himself up with increased confusion + at this mishap; for even amidst rustics there is nothing more humiliating + than a lover placing himself in a ridiculous position at the moment he is + doing his best to make himself agreeable. + </p> + <p> + “It is well your coat's not new,” said Matty, with a contemptuous look at + Handy's weather-beaten vestment. + </p> + <p> + “I hope I'll soon have a betther,” said Andy, a little piqued, with all + his reverence for the heiress, at this allusion to his poverty. “But sure + it wasn't the coat you married, but the man that's in it; and sure I'll + take off my clothes as soon as you please, Matty, my dear—Miss + Dwyer, I mane—I beg your pardon.” + </p> + <p> + “You had better wait till you get better,” answered Matty, very drily. + “You know the old saying, 'Don't throw out your dirty wather until you get + in fresh.'” + </p> + <p> + “Ah, darlin', don't be cruel to me!” said Andy, in a supplicating tone. “I + know I'm not desarvin' of you, but sure I did not make so bowld as to make + up to you until I seen that nobody else would have you.” + </p> + <p> + “Nobody else have me!” exclaimed Matty, as her eyes flashed with anger. + </p> + <p> + “I beg your pardon, miss,” said poor Andy, who in the extremity of his own + humility had committed such an offence against Matty's pride. “I only + meant that—” + </p> + <p> + “Say no more about it,” said Matty, who recovered her equanimity. “Didn't + my father give you the lase of the field and house?” + </p> + <p> + “Yis, miss.” + </p> + <p> + “You had better let me keep it then; 'twill be safer with me than you.” + </p> + <p> + “Sartainly,” said Andy, who drew the lease from his pocket and handed it + to her, and—as he was near to her—he attempted a little + familiarity, which Matty repelled very unequivocally. + </p> + <p> + “Arrah! is it jokes you are crackin'?” said Andy, with a grin, advancing + to renew his fondling. + </p> + <p> + “I tell you what it is,” said Matty, jumping up, “I'll crack your head if + you don't behave yourself!” and she seized the stool on which she had been + sitting, and brandished it in a very amazonian fashion. + </p> + <p> + “Oh, wirra! wirra!” said Andy, in amaze—“aren't you my wife?” + </p> + <p> + “<i>Your</i> wife!” retorted Matty, with a very devil in her eye—“<i>Your</i> + wife, indeed, you great <i>omadhaun</i>; why, then, had you the brass to + think I'd put up with <i>you</i>?” + </p> + <p> + “Arrah, then, why did you marry me?” said Andy, in a pitiful argumentative + whine. + </p> + <p> + “Why did I marry you?” retorted Matty—“Didn't I know betther than + refuse you, when my father said the word <i>when the divil was busy with + him</i>? Why did I marry you?—it's a pity I didn't refuse, and be + murthered that night, maybe, as soon as the people's backs was turned. Oh, + it's little you know of owld Jack Dwyer, or you wouldn't ask me that; but, + though I'm afraid of him, I'm not afraid of you—so stand off I tell + you.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, Blessed Virgin!” cried Andy; “and what will be the end of it?” + </p> + <p> + There was a tapping at the door as he spoke. + </p> + <p> + “You'll soon see what will be the end of it,” said Matty, as she walked + across the cabin and opened to the knock. + </p> + <p> + James Casey entered and clasped Matty in his arms; and half a dozen + athletic fellows and one old and debauched-looking man followed, and the + door was immediately closed after their entry. + </p> + <p> + Andy stood in amazement while Casey and Matty caressed each other; and the + old man said in a voice tremulous with intoxication, “A very pretty filly, + by jingo!” + </p> + <p> + “I lost no time the minute I got your message, Matty,” said Casey, “and + here's the Father ready to join us.” + </p> + <p> + “Ay, ay,” cackled the old reprobate—“hammer and tongs!—strike + while the iron's hot!—I'm the boy for a short job”; and he pulled a + greasy book from his pocket as he spoke. + </p> + <p> + This was a degraded clergyman, known in Ireland under the title of + “Couple-Beggar,” who is ready to perform irregular marriages on such + urgent occasions as the present; and Matty had contrived to inform James + Casey of the desperate turn affairs had taken at home, and recommended him + to adopt the present plan, and so defeat the violent measure of her father + by one still more so. + </p> + <p> + A scene of uproar now ensued, for Andy did not take matters quietly, but + made a pretty considerable row, which was speedily quelled, however, by + Casey's bodyguard, who tied Andy neck and heels, and in that helpless + state he witnessed the marriage ceremony performed by the “couple-beggar,” + between Casey and the girl he had looked upon as his own five minutes + before. + </p> + <p> + In vain did he raise his voice against the proceeding; the “couple-beggar” + smothered his objections in ribald jests. + </p> + <p> + “You can't take her from me, I tell you,” cried Andy. + </p> + <p> + “No; but we can take you from her,” said the “couple-beggar”; and, at the + words, Casey's friends dragged Andy from the cottage, bidding a rollicking + adieu to their triumphant companion, who bolted the door after them and + became possessor of the wife and property poor Andy thought he had + secured. + </p> + <p> + To guard against an immediate alarm being given, Andy was warned on pain + of death to be silent as his captors bore him along, and he took them to + be too much men of their word to doubt they would keep their promise. They + bore him through a lonely by-lane for some time, and on arriving at the + stump of an old tree, bound him securely to it, and left him to pass his + wedding-night in the tight embraces of hemp. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0009" id="link2HCH0009"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXX + </h2> + <p> + The news of Andy's wedding, so strange in itself, and being celebrated + before so many, spread over the country like wildfire, and made the talk + of half the barony for the next day, and the question, “<i>Arrah, did you + hear of the wondherful wedding?</i>” was asked in high-road and by-road,—and + scarcely a <i>boreen</i> whose hedges had not borne witness to this + startling matrimonial intelligence. The story, like all other stories, of + course got twisted into various strange shapes, and fanciful exaggerations + became grafted on the original stem, sufficiently grotesque in itself; and + one of the versions set forth how old Jack Dwyer, the more to vex Casey, + had given his daughter the greatest fortune that ever had been heard of in + the country. + </p> + <p> + Now one of the open-eared people who had caught hold of the story by this + end happened to meet Andy's mother, and, with a congratulatory grin, began + with “The top o' the mornin' to you, Mrs. Rooney, and sure I wish you + joy.” + </p> + <p> + “Och hone, and for why, dear?” answered Mrs. Rooney, “sure, it's nothin' + but trouble and care I have, poor and in want, like me.” + </p> + <p> + “But sure you'll never be in want any more.” + </p> + <p> + “Arrah, who towld you so, agra?” + </p> + <p> + “Sure the boy will take care of you now, won't he?” + </p> + <p> + “What boy?” + </p> + <p> + “Andy, sure!” + </p> + <p> + “Andy!” replied his mother, in amazement. “Andy, indeed!—out o' + place, and without a bawbee to bless himself with!—stayin' out all + night, the blackguard!” + </p> + <p> + “By this and that, I don't think you know a word about it,” cried the + friend, whose turn it was for wonder now. + </p> + <p> + “Don't I, indeed?” said Mrs. Rooney, huffed at having her word doubted, as + she thought. “I tell you he never <i>was</i> at home last night, and maybe + it's yourself was helping him, Micky Lavery, to keep his bad coorses—the + slingein' dirty blackguard that he is.” + </p> + <p> + Micky Lavery set up a shout of laughter, which increased the ire of Mrs. + Rooney, who would have passed on in dignified silence but that Micky held + her fast, and when he recovered breath enough to speak, he proceeded to + tell her about Andy's marriage, but in such a disjointed way, that it was + some time before Mrs. Rooney could comprehend him—for his + interjectional laughter at the capital joke it was, that she should be the + last to know it, and that he should have the luck to tell it, sometimes + broke the thread of his story—and then his collateral observations + so disfigured the tale, that its incomprehensibility became very much + increased, until at last Mrs. Rooney was driven to push him by direct + questions. + </p> + <p> + “For the tendher mercy, Micky Lavery, make me sinsible, and don't + disthract me—is the boy married?” + </p> + <p> + “Yis, I tell you.” + </p> + <p> + “To Jack Dwyer's daughter?” + </p> + <p> + “Yis.” + </p> + <p> + “And gev him a fort'n'?” + </p> + <p> + “Gev him half his property, I tell you, and he'll have all when the owld + man's dead.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, more power to you, Andy!” cried his mother in delight: “it's you that + <i>is</i> the boy, and the best child that ever was! Half his property, + you tell me, <i>Misther</i> Lavery?” added she, getting distant and polite + the moment she found herself mother to a rich man, and curtailing her + familiarity with a poor one like Lavery. + </p> + <p> + “Yes, <i>ma'am</i>,” said Lavery, touching his hat, “and the whole of it + when the owld man dies.” + </p> + <p> + “Then indeed I wish him a happy relase!” [Footnote: A “happy release” is + the Irish phrase for departing this life] said Mrs. Rooney, piously—“not + that I owe the man any spite—but sure he'd be no loss—and it's + a good wish to any one, sure, to wish them in heaven. Good mornin', + Misther Lavery,” said Mrs. Rooney, with a patronising smile, and “going + the road with a dignified air.” + </p> + <p> + Mick Lavery looked after her with mingled wonder and indignation. “Bad + luck to you, you owld sthrap!” he muttered between his teeth. “How + consaited you are, all of a sudden—by Jakers, I'm sorry I towld you—cock + you up, indeed—put a beggar on horseback to be sure—humph!—the + devil cut the tongue out o' me if ever I give any one good news again. + I've a mind to turn back and tell Tim Dooling his horse is in the pound.” + </p> + <p> + Mrs. Rooney continued her dignified pace as long as she was in sight of + Lavery, but the moment an angle of the road screened her from his + observation, off she set, running as hard as she could, to embrace her + darling Andy, and realise with her own eyes and ears all the good news she + had heard. She puffed out by the way many set phrases about the goodness + of Providence, and arranged at the same time sundry fine speeches to make + to the bride; so that the old lady's piety and flattery ran a strange + couple together along with herself; while mixed up with her prayers and + her blarney, were certain speculations about Jack Dwyer—as to how + long he could <i>live</i>—and how much he might <i>leave</i>. + </p> + <p> + It was in this frame of mind she reached the hill which commanded a view + of the three-cornered field and the snug cottage, and down she rushed to + embrace her darling Andy and his gentle bride. Puffing and blowing like a + porpoise, bang she went into the cottage, and Matty being the first person + she met, she flung herself upon her, and covered her with embraces and + blessings. + </p> + <p> + Matty, being taken by surprise, was some time before she could shake off + the old beldame's hateful caresses; but at last getting free and tucking + up her hair, which her imaginary mother-in-law had clawed about her ears, + she exclaimed in no very gentle tones— + </p> + <p> + “Arrah, good woman, who axed for <i>your</i> company—who are you at + all?” + </p> + <p> + “Your mother-in-law, jewel!” cried the Widow Rooney, making another + open-armed rush at her beloved daughter-in-law; but Matty received the + widow's protruding mouth on her clenched fist instead of her lips, and the + old woman's nose coming in for a share of Matty's knuckles, a ruby stream + spurted forth, while all the colours of the rainbow danced before Mrs. + Rooney's eyes as she reeled backward on the floor. + </p> + <p> + “Take that, you owld faggot!” cried Matty, as she shook Mrs. Rooney's + tributary claret from the knuckles which had so scientifically tapped it, + and wiped her hand in her apron. + </p> + <p> + The old woman roared “millia' murthur” on the floor, and snuffled out a + deprecatory question “if that was the proper way to be received in her + son's house.” + </p> + <p> + “<i>Your</i> son's house, indeed!” cried Matty. “Get out o' the place, you + stack o' rags.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, Andy! Andy!” cried the mother, gathering herself up. + </p> + <p> + “Oh—that's it, is it!” cried Matty; “so it's Andy you want?” + </p> + <p> + “To be sure: why wouldn't I want him, you hussy? My boy! my darlin'! my + beauty!” + </p> + <p> + “Well, go look for him!” cried Matty, giving her a shove towards the door. + “Well, now, do you think I'll be turned out of my son's house so quietly + as that, you unnatural baggage?” cried Mrs. Rooney, facing round, + fiercely. Upon which a bitter altercation ensued between the women; in the + course of which the widow soon learnt that Andy was not the possessor of + Matty's charms: whereupon the old woman, no longer having the fear of + damaging her daughter-in-law's beauty before her eyes, tackled to for a + fight in right earnest, in the course of which some reprisals were made by + the widow in revenge for her broken nose; but Matty's youth and activity, + joined to her Amazonian spirit, turned the tide in her favour, though, had + not the old lady been blown by her long run, the victory would not have + been so easy, for she was a tough customer, and <i>left</i> Matty certain + marks of her favour that did not rub out in a hurry—while she took + <i>away</i> (as a keepsake) a handful of Matty's hair, by which she had + long held on till a successful kick from the gentle bride finally ejected + Mrs. Rooney from the house. + </p> + <p> + Off she reeled, bleeding and roaring, and while on her approach she had + been blessing Heaven and inventing sweet speeches for Matty, on her + retreat she was cursing fate and heaping all sorts of hard names on the + Amazon she came to flatter. Alas, for the brevity of human exultation! + </p> + <p> + How fared it in the meantime with Andy? He, poor devil! had passed a cold + night, tied up to the old tree, and as the morning dawned, every object + appeared to him through the dim light in a distorted form; the gaping + hollow of the old trunk to which he was bound seemed like a huge mouth, + opening to swallow him, while the old knots looked like eyes, and the + gnarled branches like claws, staring at and ready to tear him in pieces. + </p> + <p> + A raven, perched above him on a lonely branch, croaked dismally, till Andy + fancied he could hear words of reproach in the sounds, while a little + tomtit chattered and twittered on a neighbouring bough, as if he enjoyed + and approved of all the severe things the raven uttered. The little tomtit + was the worst of the two, just as the solemn reproof of the wise can be + better borne than the impertinent remark of some chattering fool. To these + imaginary evils was added the reality of some enormous water-rats that + issued from an adjacent pool and began to eat Andy's hat and shoes, which + had fallen off in his struggle with his captors; and all Andy's warning + ejaculations could not make the vermin abstain from his shoes and his hat, + which, to judge from their eager eating, could not stay their stomachs + long, so that Andy, as he looked on at the rapid demolition, began to + dread that they might transfer their favours from his attire to himself, + until the tramp of approaching horses relieved his anxiety, and in a few + minutes two horsemen stood before him—they were Father Phil and + Squire Egan. + </p> + <p> + Great was the surprise of the Father to see the fellow he had married the + night before, and whom he supposed to be in the enjoyment of his + honeymoon, tied up to a tree and looking more dead than alive; and his + indignation knew no bounds when he heard that a “couple-beggar” had dared + to celebrate the marriage ceremony, which fact came out in the course of + the explanation Andy made of the desperate misadventure which had befallen + him; but all other grievances gave way in the eyes of Father Phil to the + “couple-beggar.” + </p> + <p> + “A 'couple-beggar'!—the audacious vagabones!” he cried, while he and + the Squire were engaged in loosing Andy's bonds. “A 'couple-beggar' in my + parish! How fast they have tied him up, Squire!” he added, as he + endeavoured to undo a knot. “A 'couple-beggar,' indeed! I'll undo the + marriage!—have you a knife about you, Squire?—the blessed and + holy tie of matrimony!—it's a black knot, bad luck to it, and must + be cut—take your leg out o' that now—and wait till I lay my + hands on them—a 'couple-beggar' indeed!” + </p> + <p> + “A desperate outrage this whole affair has been!” said the Squire. + </p> + <p> + “But a 'couple-beggar,' Squire.” + </p> + <p> + “His house broken into—” + </p> + <p> + “But a 'couple-beggar'—” + </p> + <p> + “His wife taken from him—” + </p> + <p> + “But a 'couple-beggar'—” + </p> + <p> + “The laws violated—” + </p> + <p> + “But <i>my dues</i>, Squire—think o' that!—what would become + o' <i>them</i>, if 'couple-beggars' is allowed to show their audacious + faces in the parish. Oh, wait till next Sunday, that's all—I'll have + them up before the althar, and I'll make them beg God's pardon, and my + pardon, and the congregation's pardon, the audacious pair!” [Footnote: A + man and woman who had been united by a “couple-beggar” were called up one + Sunday by the priest in the face of the congregation, and summoned, as + Father Phil threatens above, to beg God's pardon, and the priest's pardon, + and the congregation's pardon; but the woman stoutly refused the last + condition. “I'll beg God's pardon and your Reverence's pardon,” she said, + “but I won't beg the congregation's pardon.” “You won't?” says the priest. + “I won't,” says she. “Oh you conthrairy baggage,” cried his Reverence: + “take her home out o' that,” said he to her husband who HAD humbled + himself—“take her home, and leather her well—for she wants it; + and if you don't leather her, you'll be sorry—for if you don't make + her afraid of you, she'll master YOU, too—take her home and leather + her.”—FACT.] + </p> + <p> + “It's an assault on Andy,” said the Squire. + </p> + <p> + “It's a robbery on me,” said Father Phil. + </p> + <p> + “Could you identify the men?” said the Squire. + </p> + <p> + “Do you know the 'couple-beggar'?” said the priest. + </p> + <p> + “Did James Casey lay his hands on you?” said the Squire; “for he's a good + man to have a warrant against.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, Squire, Squire!” ejaculated Father Phil; “talking of laying hands on + <i>him</i> is it you are?—didn't that blackguard 'couple-beggar' lay + his dirty hands on a woman that my bran new benediction was upon! Sure, + they'd do anything after that!” By this time Andy was free, and having + received the Squire's directions to follow him to Merryvale, Father Phil + and the worthy Squire were once more in their saddles and proceeded + quietly to the same place, the Squire silently considering the audacity of + the <i>coup-de-main</i> which robbed Andy of his wife, and his reverence + puffing out his rosy cheeks and muttering sundry angry sentences, the only + intelligible words of which were “couple-beggar.” + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0010" id="link2HCH0010"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXXI + </h2> + <p> + Doubtless the reader has anticipated that the presence of Father Phil in + the company of the Squire at this immediate time was on account of the + communication made by Andy about the post-office affair. Father Phil had + determined to give the Squire freedom from the strategetic coil in which + Larry Hogan had ensnared him, and lost no time in setting about it; and it + was on his intended visit to Merryvale that he met its hospitable owner, + and telling him there was a matter of some private importance he wished to + communicate, suggested a quiet ride together; and this it was which led to + their traversing the lonely little lane where they discovered Andy, whose + name was so principal in the revelations of that day. + </p> + <p> + To the Squire those revelations were of the dearest importance; for they + relieved his mind from a weight which had been oppressing it for some + time, and set his heart at rest. Egan, it must be remarked, was an odd + mixture of courage and cowardice: undaunted by personal danger, but + strangely timorous where moral courage was required. A remarkable shyness, + too, made him hesitate constantly in the utterance of a word which might + explain away any difficulty in which he chanced to find himself; and this + helped to keep his tongue tied in the matter where Larry Hogan had + continued to make himself a bugbear. He had a horror, too, of being + thought capable of doing a dishonourable thing, and the shame he felt at + having peeped into a letter was so stinging, that the idea of asking any + one's advice in the dilemma in which he was placed made him recoil from + the thought of such aid. Now, Father Phil had relieved him from the + difficulties his own weakness imposed; the subject had been forced upon + him; and once forced to speak he made a full acknowledgment of all that + had taken place; and when he found Andy had not borne witness against him, + and that Larry Hogan only <i>inferred</i> his participation in the + transaction, he saw on Father Phil's showing that he was not really in + Larry Hogan's power; for though he admitted he had given Larry a trifle of + money from time to time when Larry asked for it, under the influence of + certain innuendoes, yet that was no proof against him; and Father Phil's + advice was to get Andy out of the way as soon as possible, and then to set + Larry quietly at defiance—that is to say, in Father Phil's own + words, “to keep never minding him.” + </p> + <p> + Now Andy not being encumbered with a wife (as fate had so ordained it) + made the matter easier, and the Squire and the Father, as they rode + towards Merryvale together to dinner, agreed to pack off Andy without + delay, and thus place him beyond Hogan's power; and as Dick Dawson was + going to London with Murphy, to push the petition against Scatterbrain's + return, it was looked upon as a lucky chance, and Andy was at once named + to bear them company. + </p> + <p> + “But you must not let Hogan know that Andy is sent away under your + patronage, Squire,” said the Father, “for that would be presumptive + evidence you had an interest in his absence; and Hogan is the very + blackguard would see it fast enough, for he is a knowing rascal.” + </p> + <p> + “He's the deepest scoundrel I ever met,” said the Squire. + </p> + <p> + “As knowing as a jailer,” said Father Phil. “A jailer, did I say—by + dad, he bates any jailer I ever heard of—for that fellow is so + 'cute, he <i>could keep Newgate with a book and eye.”</i> + </p> + <p> + “By-the-bye, there's one thing I forgot to tell you, respecting those + letters I threw into the fire; for remember, Father, I only peeped into <i>one</i> + and destroyed the others; but one of the letters, I must tell you, was + directed to yourself.” + </p> + <p> + “'Faith, then, I forgive you that, Squire,” said Father Phil, “for I hate + letters; but if you have any scruple of conscience on the subject, write + me one yourself, and that will do as well.” + </p> + <p> + The Squire could not help thinking the Father's mode of settling the + difficulty worthy of Handy Andy himself; but he did not tell the Father + so. + </p> + <p> + They had now reached Merryvale, where the good-humoured priest was + heartily welcomed, and where Doctor Growling, Dick Dawson, and Murphy were + also guests at dinner. Great was the delight of the party at the history + they heard, when the cloth was drawn, of Andy's wedding, so much in + keeping with his former life and adventures, and Father Phil had another + opportunity of venting his rage against the “couple-beggar.” + </p> + <p> + “That was but a slip-knot you tied, Father,” said the doctor. + </p> + <p> + “Aye, aye! joke away, doctor.” + </p> + <p> + “Do you think, Father Phil,” said Murphy, “that <i>that</i> marriage was + made in heaven, where we are told marriages <i>are</i> made?” + </p> + <p> + “I don't suppose it was, Mr. Murphy; for if it had it would have held upon + earth.” + </p> + <p> + “Very well answered, Father,” said the Squire. + </p> + <p> + “I don't know what other people think about matches being made in heaven,” + said Growling, “but I have my suspicions they are sometimes made in + another place.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, fie, doctor!” said Mrs. Egan. + </p> + <p> + “The doctor, ma'am, is an old bachelor,” said Father Phil, “or he wouldn't + say so.” + </p> + <p> + “Thank you, Father Phil, for so polite a speech.” + </p> + <p> + The doctor took his pencil from his pocket and began to write on a small + bit of paper, which the priest observing, asked him what he was about, “or + is it writing a prescription you are,” said he, “for compounding better + marriages than I can?” + </p> + <p> + “Something very naughty, I dare say, the doctor is doing,” said Fanny + Dawson. + </p> + <p> + “Judge for yourself, lady fair,” said the doctor, handing Fanny the slip + of paper. + </p> + <p> + Fanny looked at it for a moment and smiled, but declared it was very + wicked indeed. + </p> + <p> + “Then read it for the company, and condemn me out of your own pretty + mouth, Miss Dawson,” said the doctor. + </p> + <p> + “It is too wicked.” + </p> + <p> + “If it is ever so wicked,” said Father Phil, “the wickedness will be + neutralised by being read by an angel.” + </p> + <p> + “Well done, St. Omer's,” cried Murphy. + </p> + <p> + “Really, Father,” said Fanny, blushing, “you are desperately gallant + to-day, and just to shame you, and show how little of an angel I am, I <i>will</i> + read the doctor's epigram:— + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 'Though matches are all made in heaven, they say, + Yet Hymen, who mischief oft hatches, + Sometimes deals with the house <i>t'other side of the way</i>, + And <i>there</i> they make <i>Lucifer</i> matches.'” + </pre> + <p> + “Oh, doctor! I'm afraid you are a woman-hater,” said Mrs. Egan. “Come + away, Fanny, I am sure they want to get rid of us.” + </p> + <p> + “Yes,” said Fanny, rising and joining her sister, who was leaving the + room, “and now, after abusing poor Hymen, gentlemen, we leave you to your + favourite worship of Bacchus.” + </p> + <p> + The departure of the ladies changed the conversation, and after the + gentlemen had resumed their seats, the doctor asked Dick Dawson how soon + he intended going to London. + </p> + <p> + “I start immediately,” said Dick. “Don't forget to give me that letter of + introduction to your friend in Dublin, whom I long to know.” + </p> + <p> + “Who is he?” asked the Squire. + </p> + <p> + “One Tom Loftus—or, as his friends call him, 'Piping Tom,' from his + vocal powers; or, as some nickname him, '<i>Organ</i> Loftus,' from his + imitation of that instrument, which is an excessively comical piece of + caricature.” + </p> + + <div class="fig" style="width:80%"> + <img alt="organ_loftus (128K)" src="images/organ_loftus.jpg" width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + “Oh! I know him well,” said Father Phil. + </p> + <p> + “How did you manage to become acquainted with him?” inquired the doctor, + “for I did not think he lay much in your way.” + </p> + <p> + “It was <i>he</i> became acquainted with me,” said Father Phil, “and this + was the way of it—he was down on a visit betimes in the parish I was + in before this, and his behaviour was so wild that I was obliged to make + an allusion in the chapel to his indiscretions, and threaten to make his + conduct a subject of severe public censure if he did not mind his manners + a little better. Well, my dear, who should call on me on the Monday + morning after but Misther Tom, all smiles and graces, and protesting he + was sorry he fell under my displeasure, and hoping I would never have + cause to find fault with him again. Sure, I thought he was repenting of + his misdeeds, and I said I was glad to hear such good words from him. 'A' + then, Father,' says he, 'I hear you have got a great curiosity from Dublin—a + shower-bath, I hear?' So I said I had: and indeed, to be candid, I was as + proud as a peacock of the same bath, which tickled my fancy when I was + once in town, and so I bought it. 'Would you show it to me?' says he. 'To + be sure,' says I, and off I went, like a fool, and put the wather on the + top, and showed him how, when a string was pulled, down it came—and + he pretended not clearly to understand the thing, and at last he said, + 'Sure it's not into that sentry-box you get?' says he. 'Oh yes,' said I, + getting into it quite innocent; when, my dear, he slaps the door and + fastens it on me, and pulls the string and souses me with the water, and I + with my best suit of black on me. I roared and shouted inside while + Misther Tom Loftus was screechin' laughing outside, and dancing round the + room with delight. At last, when he could speak, he said, 'Now, Father, + we're even,' says he, 'for the abuse you gave me yesterday,' and off he + ran.” + </p> + <p> + “That's just like him,” said old Growling, chuckling; “he's a queer devil. + I remember on one occasion a poor dandy puppy, who was in the same office + with him—for Tom is in the Ordnance department, you must know—this + puppy, sir, wanted to go to the Ashbourne races and cut a figure in the + eyes of a rich grocer's daughter he was sweet upon.” + </p> + <p> + “Being sweet upon a grocer's daughter,” said Murphy, “is like bringing + coals to Newcastle.” + </p> + <p> + “'Faith! it was coals to Newcastle with a vengeance, in the present case, + for the girl would have nothing to say to him, and Tom had great delight + whenever he could annoy this poor fool in his love-making plots. So, when + he came to Tom to ask for the loan of his horse, Tom said he should have + him <i>if he could make the smallest use of him</i>—'but I don't + think you can,' said Tom. 'Leave that to me,' said the youth. 'I don't + think you could make him go,' said Tom. 'I'll buy a new pair of spurs,' + said the puppy. 'Let them be handsome ones,' said Tom. 'I was looking at a + very handsome pair at Lamprey's, yesterday,' said the young gentleman. + 'Then you can buy them on your way to my stables,' said Tom; and sure + enough, sir, the youth laid out his money on a very costly pair of + persuaders, and then proceeded homewards with Tom. 'Now, with all your + spurs,' said Tom, 'I don't think you'll be able to make him go.' 'Is he so + very vicious, then?' inquired the youth, who began to think of his neck. + 'On the contrary,' said Tom, 'he's perfectly quiet, but won't go for <i>you</i>, + I'll bet a pound.' 'Done!' said the youth. 'Well, try him,' said Tom, as + he threw open the stable door. 'He's lazy, I see,' said the youth; 'for + he's lying down.' 'Faith, he is,' said Tom, 'and hasn't got up these two + days!' 'Get up, you brute!' said the innocent youth, giving a smart cut of + his whip on the horse's flank; but the horse did not budge. '<i>Why, he's + dead!</i>' says he. 'Yes,' says Tom, 'since Monday last. So I don't think + you can make him go, and you've lost your bet!'” + </p> + <p> + “That was hardly a fair joke,” said the Squire. + </p> + <p> + “Tom never stops to think of that,” returned the doctor; “he's the oddest + fellow I ever knew. The last time I was in Dublin, I called on Tom and + found him one bitter cold and stormy morning standing at an open window, + nearly quite undressed. On asking him what he was about, he said he was <i>getting + up a bass voice</i>; that Mrs. Somebody, who gave good dinners and bad + concerts, was disappointed of her bass singer, 'and I think,' said Tom, + 'I'll be hoarse enough in the evening to take double B flat. Systems are + the fashion now,' said he; 'there is the Logierian system and other + systems, and mine is the Cold-air-ian system, and the best in the world + for getting up a bass voice.'” + </p> + <p> + “That was very original certainly,” said the Squire. + </p> + <p> + “But did you ever hear of his adventure with the Duke of Wellington?” said + the doctor. + </p> + <p> + “The Duke!” they all exclaimed. + </p> + <p> + “Yes—that is, when he was only Sir Arthur Wellesley. Well, I'll tell + you.” + </p> + <p> + “Stop,” said the Squire, “a fresh story requires a fresh bottle. Let me + ring for some claret.” + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0011" id="link2HCH0011"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXXII + </h2> + <p> + The servant who brought in the claret announced at the same time the + arrival of a fresh guest in the person of “Captain Moriarty,” who was + welcomed by most of the party by the name of Randal. The Squire regretted + he was too late for dinner, inquiring at the same time if he would like to + have something to eat at the side-table; but Randal declined the offer, + assuring the Squire he had got some refreshment during the day while he + had been out shooting; but as the sport led, him near Merryvale, and “he + had a great thirst upon him,” he did not know a better house in the + country wherein to have “that same” satisfied. + </p> + <p> + “Then you're just in time for some cool claret,” said the Squire; “so sit + down beside the doctor, for he must have the first glass and broach the + bottle, before he broaches the story he's going to tell us—that's + only fair.” + </p> + <p> + The doctor filled his glass, and tasted. “What a nice <i>'chateau,' + 'Margaux''</i> must be,” said he, as he laid down his glass. “I should like + to be a tenant-at-will there, at a small rent.” + </p> + <p> + “And no taxes,” said Dick. + </p> + <p> + “Except my duty to the claret,” replied the doctor. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 'My favourite chateau, + Is that of Margaux.' +</pre> + <p> + “By-the-bye, talking of <i>chateau</i>, there's the big brewer over at the + town, who is anxious to affect gentility, and he heard some one use the + word <i>chapeau</i>, and having found out it was the French for <i>hat</i>, + he determined to show off on the earliest possible occasion, and selected + a public meeting of some sort to display his accomplishment. Taking some + cause of objection to the proceedings, as an excuse for leaving the + meeting, he said, 'Gentlemen, the fact is I can't agree with you, so I may + as well take my <i>chateau</i> under my arm at once, and walk.'” + </p> + <p> + “Is not that an invention of your own, doctor?” said the Squire. + </p> + <p> + “I heard it for fact,” said Growling. + </p> + <p> + “And 't is true,” added Murphy, “for I was present when he said it. And at + an earlier part of the proceedings he suggested that the parish clerk + should read the resolutions, because he had a good '<i>laudable</i> + voice.'” + </p> + <p> + “A parish clerk ought to have,” said the doctor—“eh, Father Phil?—'<i>Laudamus!</i>'” + </p> + <p> + “Leave your Latin,” said Dick, “and tell us that story you promised about + the Duke and Tom Loftus.” + </p> + <p> + “Right, Misther Dick,” said Father Phil. + </p> + <p> + “The story, doctor,” said the Squire. + </p> + <p> + “Oh, don't make such bones about it,” said Growling; “'tis but a trifle + after all; only it shows you what a queer and reckless rascal Tom is. I + told you he was called '<i>Organ</i>' Loftus by his friends, in + consequence of the imitation he makes of that instrument; and it certainly + is worth hearing and seeing, for your eyes have as much to do with the + affair as your ears. Tom plants himself on a high office-stool, before one + of those lofty desks with long rows of drawers down each side and a hole + between to put your legs under. Well, sir, Tom pulls out the top drawers, + like the stops of an organ, and the lower ones by way of pedals: and then + he begins thrashing the desk like the finger-board of an organ with his + hands, while his feet kick away at the lower drawers as if he were the + greatest pedal performer out of Germany, and he emits a rapid succession + of grunts and squeaks, producing a ludicrous reminiscence of the + instrument, which I defy any one to hear without laughing. Several sows + and an indefinite number of sucking pigs could not make a greater noise, + and Tom himself declares he studied the instrument in a pigsty, which he + maintains gave the first notion of an organ. Well, sir, the youths in the + office assist in 'doing the service,' as they call it, that is, making an + imitation of the chanting and so forth in St. Patrick's Cathedral.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, the haythens!” said Father Phil. + </p> + <p> + “One does Spray, and another Weyman, and another Sir John Stevenson, and + so on; and they go on responsing and singing 'Amen' till the Ordnance + Office rings again.” + </p> + <p> + “Have they nothing better to do?” asked the Squire. + </p> + <p> + “Very little but reading the papers,” said the doctor. + </p> + <p> + “Well—Tom—you must know, sir—was transferred some time + ago, by the interest of many influential friends, to the London + department; and the fame of his musical powers had gone before him from + some of the English clerks in Ireland who had been advanced to the higher + posts in Dublin, and kept up correspondence with their old friends in + London; and it was not long until Tom was requested to go through an + anthem on the great office-desk. Tom was only too glad to be asked, and he + kept the whole office in a roar for an hour with all the varieties of the + instrument—from the diapason to the flute-stop—and the devil a + more business was done in the office <i>that</i> day, and Tom before long + made the sober English fellows as great idlers as the chaps in Dublin. + Well—it was not long until a sudden flush of business came upon the + department, in consequence of the urgent preparations making for supplies + to Spain, at the time the Duke was going there to take the command of the + army, and organ-playing was set aside for some days; but the fellows, + after a week's abstinence, began to yearn for it and Tom was requested to + 'do the service.' Tom, nothing loath, threw aside his official papers, set + up a big ledger before him, and commenced his legerdemain, as he called + it, pulled out his stops, and began to work away like a weaver, while + every now and then he swore at the bellows-blower for not giving him wind + enough, whereupon the choristers would kick the bellows-blower to + accelerate his flatulency. Well, sir, they were in the middle of the + service, and all the blackguards making the responses in due season, when, + just as Tom was quivering under a portentous grunt, which might have + shamed the principal diapason of Harlaem, and the subs were drawing out a + resplendent 'A-a-a-men,' the door opened, and in walked a smart-looking + gentleman, with rather a large nose and quick eye, which latter glanced + round the office, where a sudden endeavour was made by everybody to get + back to his place. The smart gentleman seemed rather surprised to see a + little fat man blowing at a desk instead of the fire, and long Tom + kicking, grunting, and squealing like mad. The bellows-blower was so taken + by surprise he couldn't stir, and Tom, having his back to them, did not + see what had taken place, and went on as if nothing had happened, till the + smart gentleman went up to him, and tapping on Tom's desk with a little + riding-whip, he said, 'I'm sorry to disturb you, sir, but I wish to know + what you're about.' 'We're doing the service, sir,' said Tom, no ways + abashed at the sight of the stranger, for he did not know it was Sir + Arthur Wellesley was talking to him. 'Not the <i>public</i> service, sir,' + said Sir Arthur. 'Yes, sir,' said Tom, 'the service as by law established + in the second year of the reign of King Edward the Sixth,' and he favoured + the future hero of Waterloo with a touch of the organ. 'Who is the head of + this office?' inquired Sir Arthur. Tom, with a very gracious bow, replied, + 'I am principal organist, sir, and allow me to introduce you to the + principal bellows-blower'—and he pointed to the poor little man who + let the bellows fall from his hand as Sir Arthur fixed his eyes on him. + Tom did not perceive till now that all the clerks were taken with a sudden + fit of industry, and were writing away for the bare life; and he cast a + look of surprise round the office while Sir Arthur was looking at the + bellows-blower. One of the clerks made a wry face at Tom, which showed him + all was not right. 'Is this the way His Majesty's service generally goes + on here?' said Sir Arthur, sharply. No one answered; but Tom saw, by the + long faces of the clerks and the short question of the visitor, that he + was <i>somebody</i>. + </p> + <p> + “'Some transports are waiting for ordnance stores, and I am referred to + this office,' said Sir Arthur; 'can any one give me a satisfactory + answer?' + </p> + <p> + “The senior clerk present (for the head of the office was absent) came + forward and said, 'I believe, sir——' + </p> + <p> + “'You <i>believe</i>, but you don't <i>know</i>,' said Sir Arthur; 'so I + must wait for stores while you are playing tomfoolery here. I'll report + this.' Then producing a little tablet and a pencil, he turned to Tom and + said, 'Favour me with your name, sir?' + </p> + <p> + “'I give you my honour, sir,' said Tom. + </p> + <p> + “'I'd rather you'd give me the stores, sir,—I'll trouble you for + your name?' + </p> + <p> + “'Upon my honour, sir,' said Tom, again. + </p> + <p> + “'You seem to have a great deal of that article on your hands, sir,' said + Sir Arthur: 'you're an Irishman, I suppose?' + </p> + <p> + “'Yes, sir,' said Tom. + </p> + <p> + “'I thought so. Your name?' + </p> + <p> + “'Loftus, sir.' + </p> + <p> + “'Ely family?' + </p> + <p> + “'No, sir.' + </p> + <p> + “'Glad of it.' + </p> + <p> + “He put up his tablet after writing the name. + </p> + <p> + “'May I beg the favour to know, sir,' said Tom, 'to whom I have the honour + of addressing myself?' “'Sir Arthur Wellesley, sir.' + </p> + <p> + “'Oh! J—-s!' cried Tom, 'I'm done!' + </p> + <p> + “Sir Arthur could not help laughing at the extraordinary change in Tom's + countenance; and Tom, taking advantage of this relaxation in his iron + manner, said in a most penitent tone, 'Oh, Sir Arthur Wellesley, only + forgive me this time, and 'pon my <i>sowl</i> says he—with the + richest brogue—'I'll play a <i>Te Deum</i> for the first licking you + give the French.' Sir Arthur smiled and left the office.” + </p> + <p> + “Did he report as he threatened?” asked the Squire. + </p> + <p> + “'Faith, he did.” + </p> + <p> + “And Tom?” inquired Dick. + </p> + <p> + “Was sent back to Ireland, sir.” + </p> + <p> + “That was hard, after the Duke smiled at him,” said Murphy. + </p> + <p> + “Well, he did not let him suffer in pocket; he was transferred at as a + good a salary to a less important department, but you know the Duke has + been celebrated all his life for never overlooking a breach of duty.” + </p> + <p> + “And who can blame him?” said Moriarty. + </p> + <p> + “One great advantage of the practice has been,” said the Squire, “that no + man has been better served. I remember hearing a striking instance of + what, perhaps, might be called severe justice, which he exercised on a + young and distinguished officer of artillery in Spain; and though one + cannot help pitying the case of the gallant young fellow who was the + sacrifice, yet the question of strict duty, <i>to the very word</i>, was + set at rest for ever under the Duke's command, and it saved much <i>after</i>-trouble + by making every officer satisfied, however fiery his courage or tender his + sense of being suspected of the white feather, that implicit obedience was + the course he <i>must</i> pursue. The case was this:—the army was + going into action——” “What action was it?” inquired Father + Phil, with that remarkable alacrity which men of peace evince in hearing + the fullest particulars about war, perhaps because it is forbidden to + their cloth; one of the many instances of things acquiring a fictitious + value by being interdicted—just as Father Phil himself might have + been a Protestant only for the penal laws. + </p> + <p> + “I don't know what action it was,” said the Squire, “nor the officer's + name—for I don't set up for a military chronicler; but it was, as I + have been telling you, going into action that the Duke posted an officer, + with his six guns, at a certain point, telling him to remain there until + he had orders from <i>him</i>. Away went the rest of the army, and the + officer was left doing nothing at all, which he didn't like; for he was + one of those high-blooded gentlemen who are never so happy as when they + are making other people miserable, and he was longing for the head of a + French column to be hammering away at. In half an hour or so he heard the + distant sound of action, and it approached nearer and nearer, until he + heard it close behind him; and he wondered rather that he was not invited + to take a share in it, when, pat to his thought, up came an <i>aide-de-camp</i> + at full speed, telling him that General Somebody ordered him to bring up + his guns. The officer asked did not the order come from Lord Wellington? + The <i>aide-de-camp</i> said no, but from the General, whoever he was. The + officer explained that he was placed there by Lord Wellington, under + command not to move, unless by <i>an order from himself</i>. The <i>aide-de-camp</i> + stated that the General's entire brigade was being driven in and must be + annihilated without the aid of the guns, and asked, 'would he let a whole + brigade be slaughtered?' in a tone which wounded the young soldier's + pride, savouring, as he thought it did, of an imputation on his courage. + He immediately ordered his guns to move and joined battle with the + General; but while he was away, an <i>aide-de-camp</i> from Lord + Wellington rode up to where the guns <i>had been posted,</i> and, of + course, no gun was to be had for the service which Lord Wellington + required. Well, the French were repulsed, as it happened; but the want of + those six guns seriously marred a preconcerted movement of the Duke's, and + the officer in command of them was immediately brought to a court-martial, + and would have lost his commission but for the universal interest made in + his favour by the general officers in consideration of his former + meritorious conduct and distinguished gallantry, and under the peculiar + circumstances of the case. They did not break him, but he was suspended, + and Lord Wellington sent him home to England. Almost every general officer + in the army endeavoured to get his sentence revoked, lamenting the fate of + a gallant fellow being sent away for a slight error in judgment while the + army was in hot action but Lord Wellington was inexorable saying he must + make an example to secure himself in the perfect obedience of officers to + their orders; and it had the effect.” + </p> + <p> + “Well, that's what I call hard!” said Dick. + </p> + <p> + “My dear Dick,” said the Squire, “war is altogether a hard thing, and a + man has no business to be a General who isn't as hard as his own round + shot.” + </p> + <p> + “And what became of the <i>dear</i> young man?” said Father Phil, who + seemed much touched by the readiness with which the <i>dear</i> young man + set off to mow down the French. + </p> + <p> + “I can tell you,” said Moriarty, “for I served with him afterwards in the + Peninsula. He was let back after a year or so, and became so thorough a + disciplinarian, that he swore, when once he was at his post 'They might + kill <i>his father</i> before his face and he wouldn't budge until he had + orders.'” + </p> + <p> + “A most Christian resolution,” said the doctor. + </p> + <p> + “Well, I can tell you,” said Moriarty, “of a Frenchman, who made a greater + breach of discipline, and it was treated more leniently. I heard the story + from the man's own lips, and if I could only give you his voice and + gesture and manner it would amuse you. What fellows those Frenchmen are, + to be sure, for telling a story! they make a shrug or a wink have twenty + different meanings, and their claws are most eloquent—one might say + they talk on their fingers—and their broken English, I think, helps + them.” + </p> + <p> + “Then give the story, Randal, in his manner,” said Dick. “I have heard you + imitate a Frenchman capitally.” + </p> + <p> + “Well, here goes,” said Moriarty “but let me wet my whistle with a glass + of claret before I begin—a French story should have French wine.” + Randal tossed off one glass, and filled a second by way of reserve, and + then began the French officer's story. + </p> + <p> + “You see, sare, it vos ven in <i>Espagne</i> de bivouac vos vairy ard + indeet 'pon us, vor we coot naut get into de town at all, nevair, becos + you dam Ingelish keep all de town to yoursefs—vor we fall back at + dat time becos we get not support—no <i>corps de reserve</i>, you + perceive—so ve mek <i>retrograde</i> movement—not <i>retreat</i>—no, + no—but <i>retrograde</i> movement. Vell—von night I was wit my + picket guart, and it was raining like de devil, and de vind vos vinding up + de valley, so cold as noting at all, and de dark vos vot you could not see—no—not + your nose bevore your face. Vell, I hear de tramp of horse, and I look + into de dark—for ve vere vairy moche on the <i>qui vive</i>, because + ve expec de Ingelish to attaque de next day—but I see noting; but de + tramp of horse come closer and closer, and at last I ask, 'Who is dere?' + and de tramp of de horse stop. I run forward, and den I see Ingelish + offisair of cavallerie. I address him, and tell him he is in our lines, + but I do not vant to mek him prisonair—for you must know dat he <i>vos</i> + prisonair, if I like, ven he vos vithin our line. He is very polite—he + says, '<i>Bien obligé—bon enfant</i>;' and we tek off our hat to + each ozer. 'I aff lost my roat,' he say; and I say, 'Yais'—bote I + vill put him into his roat, and so I ask for a moment pardon, and go back + to my <i>caporal</i>, and tell him to be on de <i>qui vive</i> till I come + back. De Ingelish offisair and me talk very plaisant vile we go togezer + down de leetel roat, and ven we come to de turn, I say, '<i>Bon soir</i>, + Monsieur le Capitaine—dat is your vay.' He den tank me, vera moche + like gentilman, and vish he coot mek me some return for my générosité, as + he please to say—and I say, '<i>Bah!</i> Ingelish gentilman vood do + de same to French offisair who lose his vay.' 'Den come here,' he say, '<i>bon + enfant</i>, can you leave your post for 'aff an hour?' 'Leave my post?' I + say. 'Yais,' said he, 'I know your army has not moche provision lately, + and maybe you are ongrie?' '<i>Ma foi</i>, yais,' said I; 'I aff naut + slips to my eyes, nor meat to my stomach, for more dan fife days.' 'Veil, + <i>bon enfant</i>,' he say, 'come vis me, and I vill gif you good supper, + goot vine, and goot velcome.' 'Coot I leave my post?' I say. He say, '<i>Bah! + Caporal</i> take care till you come back.' By gar, I coot naut resist—<i>he</i> + vos so <i>vairy</i> moche gentilman and <i>I</i> vos so ongrie—I go + vis him—not fife hunder yarts—<i>ah! bon Dieu</i>—how + nice! In de corner of a leetel ruin chapel dere is nice bit of fire, and + hang on a string before it de half of a kid—<i>oh ciel!</i> de smell + of de <i>ros-bif</i> was so nice—I rub my hands to de fire—I + sniff de <i>cuisine</i>—I see in anozer corner a couple bottles of + wine—<i>sacré</i>! it vos all watair in my mouts! Ve sit down to + suppair—I nevair did ate so moche in my life. Ve did finish de + bones, and vosh down all mid ver good wine—<i>excellent!</i> Ve + drink de toast—<i>à la gloire</i>—and we talk of de campaign. + Ve drink <i>à la Patrie</i>, and den <i>I</i> tink of <i>la belle France</i> + and <i>ma douce amie</i>—and <i>he</i> fissel, 'Got safe de king.' + Ve den drink <i>à l'amitié</i>, and shek hands over dat fire in good + frainship—dem two hands that might cross de swords in de morning. + Yais, sair, dat was fine—'t was <i>galliard</i>—'t was <i>la + vrai chivalrie</i>—two sojair ennemi to share de same kid, drink de + same wine, and talk like two friends. Vell, I got den so sleepy, dat my + eyes go blink, blink, and my goot friend says to me, 'Sleep, old fellow; I + know you aff got hard fare of late, and you are tired; sleep, all is quiet + for to-night, and I will call you before dawn.' Sair, I vos <i>so</i> + tired, I forgot my duty, and fall down fast asleep. Veil, sair, in de + night de pickets of de two armie get so close, and mix up, dat some shot + gets fired, and in one moment all in confusion. I am shake by de shoulder—I + wake like from dream—I heard sharp <i>fusillade</i>—my friend + cry, 'Fly to your post, it is attack!' We exchange one shek of de hand, + and I run off to my post. <i>Oh, ciel!</i>—it is driven in—I + see dem fly. <i>Oh, mon désespoir à ce moment-là !</i> I am ruin—<i>déshonoré</i>—I + rush to de front—I rally <i>mes braves</i>—ve stand!—ve + advance!!—ve regain de post!!!—I am safe!!!! De <i>fusillade</i> + cease—it is only an affair of outposts. I tink I am safe—I + tink I am very fine fellow—but Monsieur <i>l'Aide-Major</i> send for + me and speak, 'Vere vos you last night, sair?' 'I mount guard by de mill.' + 'Are you sure?' '<i>Oui, monsieur.</i>' 'Vere vos you when your post vos + attack?' I saw it vos no use to deny any longair, so I confess to him + everyting. 'Sair,' said he, 'you rally your men very good, <i>or you + should be shot!</i> Young man, remember,' said he—I will never + forget his vorts—'young man, <i>vine is goot—slip is goot—goat + is goot—but honners is betters!'”</i> + </p> + <p> + “A capital story, Randal,” cried Dick; “but how much of it did you + invent?” + </p> + <p> + “'Pon my life, it is as near the original as possible.” + </p> + <p> + “Besides, that is not a fair way of using a story,” said the doctor. “You + should take a story as you get it, and not play the dissector upon it, + mangling its poor body to discover the bit of embellishment; and as long + as a <i>raconteur</i> maintains <i>vraisemblance</i>, I contend you are + bound to receive the whole as true.” + </p> + <p> + “A most author-like creed, doctor,” said Dick; “you are a story-teller + yourself, and enter upon the defence of your craft with great spirit.” + </p> + <p> + “And justice, too,” said the Squire; “the doctor is quite right.” + </p> + <p> + “Don't suppose I can't see the little touches of the artist,” said the + doctor; “but so long as they are in keeping with the picture, I enjoy + them; for instance, my friend Randal's touch of the Englishman '<i>fissling + Got safe de King''</i> is very happy—quite in character.” + </p> + <p> + “Well, good or bad, the story in substance is true,” said Randal, “and + puts the Englishman in a fine point of view—a generous fellow, + sharing his supper with his enemy whose sword may be through his body in + the next morning's 'affair.'” + </p> + <p> + “But the Frenchman was generous to him first,” remarked the Squire. + </p> + <p> + “Certainly—I admit it,” said Randal. “In short, they were both fine + fellows.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, sir,” said Father Phil, “the French are not deficient in a chivalrous + spirit. I heard once a very pretty little bit of anecdote about the way + they behaved to one of our regiments on a retreat in Spain.” + </p> + <p> + “<i>Your</i> regiments!” said Moriarty, who was rather fond of hitting + hard at a priest when he could; “a regiment of friars is it?” + </p> + <p> + “No, captain, but of soldiers; and it's going through a river they were, + and the French, taking advantage of their helpless condition, were + peppering away at them hard and fast.” + </p> + <p> + “Very generous indeed!” said Moriarty, laughing. + </p> + <p> + “Let me finish my story, captain, before you quiz it. I say they were + peppering them sorely while they were crossing the river, until some women—the + followers of the camp—ran down (poor creatures) to the shore, and + the stream was so deep in the middle they could scarcely ford it; so some + dragoons who were galloping as hard as they could out of the fire pulled + up on seeing the condition of the women-kind, and each horseman took up a + woman behind him, though it diminished his own power of speeding from the + danger. The moment the French saw this act of manly courtesy, they ceased + firing, gave the dragoons a cheer, and as long as the women were within + gunshot, not a trigger was pulled in the French line, but volleys of + cheers instead of ball-cartridge was sent after the brigade till all the + women were over. Now wasn't that generous?” + </p> + <p> + “'T was a handsome thing!” was the universal remark. + </p> + <p> + “And 'faith I can tell you, Captain Moriarty, the army took advantage of + it; for there was a great struggle to have the pleasure of the ladies' + company over the river.” + </p> + <p> + “I dare say, Father Phil,” said the Squire, laughing. + </p> + <p> + “Throth, Squire,” said the <i>padre</i>, “fond of the girls as the + soldiers have the reputation of being, they never liked them better than + that same day.” + </p> + <p> + “Yes, yes,” said Moriarty, a little piqued, for he rather affected the + “dare-devil.” + </p> + <p> + “I see you mean to insinuate that we soldiers fear fire.” + </p> + <p> + “I did not say 'fear,' captain—but they'd like to get out of it, for + all that, and small blame to them—aren't they flesh and blood like + ourselves?” + </p> + <p> + “Not a bit like you,” said Moriarty. “You sleek and smooth gentlemen who + live in luxurious peace know little of a soldier's danger or feelings.” + </p> + <p> + “Captain, we all have our dangers to go through; and may be a priest has + as many as a soldier; and we only show a difference of taste, after all, + in the selection.” + </p> + <p> + “Well, Father Blake, all I know is, that a true soldier fears nothing!” + said Moriarty with energy. + </p> + <p> + “Maybe so,” answered Father Phil, quietly. “It is quite clear, however,” + said Murphy, “that war, with all its horrors, can call out occasionally + the finer feelings of our natures; but it is only such redeeming traits as + those we have heard which can reconcile us to it. I remember having heard + an incident of war, myself, which affected me much,” said Murphy, who + caught the infection of military anecdote which circled the table; and + indeed there is no more catching theme can be started among men, for it + may be remarked that whenever it is broached it flows on until it is + rather more than time to go to the ladies. + </p> + <p> + “It was in the earlier portion of the memorable day of Waterloo,” said + Murphy, “that a young officer of the Guards received a wound which brought + him to the ground. His companions rushed on to seize some point which + their desperate valour was called on to carry, and he was left, utterly + unable to rise, for the wound was in his foot. He lay for some hours with + the thunder of that terrible day ringing around him, and many a rush of + horse and foot had passed close beside him. Towards the close of the day + he saw one of the Black Brunswick dragoons approaching, who drew rein as + his eye caught the young Guardsman, pale and almost fainting, on the + ground. He alighted, and finding he was not mortally wounded, assisted him + to rise, lifted him into his saddle, and helped to support him there while + he walked beside him to the English rear. The Brunswicker was an old man; + his brow and moustache were grey; despair was in his sunken eye, and from + time to time he looked up with an expression of the deepest yearning into + the face of the young soldier, who saw big tears rolling down the + veteran's cheek while he gazed upon him. 'You seem in bitter sorrow, my + kind friend,' said the stripling. 'No wonder,' answered the old man, with + a hollow groan. 'I and my three boys were in the same regiment—they + were alive the morning of Ligny—I am childless to-day. But I have + revenged them!' he said fiercely, and as he spoke he held out his sword, + which was literally red with blood. 'But, oh! that will not bring me back + my boys!' he exclaimed, relapsing into his sorrow. 'My three gallant + boys!'—and again he wept bitterly, till clearing his eyes from the + tears, and looking up in the young soldier's handsome face, he said + tenderly, 'You are like my youngest one, and I could not let you lie on + the field.'” + </p> + <p> + Even the rollicking Murphy's eyes were moist as he recited this anecdote; + and as for Father Phil, he was quite melted, ejaculating in an under tone, + “Oh, my poor fellow! my poor fellow!” + </p> + <p> + “So there,” said Murphy, “is an example of a man, with revenge in his + heart, and his right arm tired with slaughter, suddenly melted into + gentleness by a resemblance to his child.” + </p> + <p> + “'T is very touching, but very sad,” said the Squire. + </p> + <p> + “My dear sir,” said the doctor, with his peculiar dryness, “sadness is the + principal fruit which warfare must ever produce. You may talk of glory as + long as you like, but you cannot have your laurel without your cypress, + and though you may select certain bits of sentiment out of a mass of + horrors, if you allow me, I will give you one little story which shan't + keep you long, and will serve as a commentary upon war and glory in + general. + </p> + <p> + “At the peace of 1803, I happened to be travelling through a town in + France where a certain count I knew resided. I waited upon him, and he + received me most cordially, and invited me to dinner. I made the excuse + that I was only <i>en route</i>, and supplied with but traveling costume, + and therefore not fit to present myself amongst the guests of such a house + as his. He assured me I should only meet his own family, and pledged + himself for Madame la Comtesse being willing to waive the ceremony of a <i>grande + toilette</i>. I went to the house at the appointed hour, and as I passed + through the hall I cast a glance at the dining-room and saw a very long + table laid. On arriving at the reception-room, I taxed the count with + having broken faith with me, and was about making my excuses to the + countess when she assured me the count had dealt honestly by me, for that + I was the only guest to join the family party. Well, we sat down to + dinner, three-and-twenty persons; myself, the count and countess, and + their <i>twenty children!</i> and a more lovely family I never saw; he a + man in the vigour of life, she a still attractive woman, and these their + offspring lining the table, where the happy eyes of father and mother + glanced with pride and affection from one side to the other on these + future staffs of their old age. Well, the peace of Amiens was of short + duration, and I saw no more of the count till Napoleon's abdication. Then + I visited France again, and saw my old friend. But it was a sad sight, + sir, in that same house, where, little more than ten years before, I had + seen the bloom and beauty of twenty children, to sit down with <i>three</i>—all + he had left him. His sons had fallen in battle—his daughters had + died widowed, leaving but orphans. And thus it was all over France. While + the public voice shouted 'Glory!' wailing was in her homes. Her temple of + victory was filled with trophies, but her hearths were made desolate.” + </p> + <p> + “Still, sir, a true soldier fears nothing,” repeated Moriarty. + </p> + <p> + “<i>Baithershin,</i>” said Father Phil. “'Faith I have been in places of + danger you'd be glad to get out of, I can tell you, as bould as you are, + captain.” + </p> + <p> + “You'll pardon me for doubting you, Father Blake,” said Moriarty, rather + huffed. + </p> + <p> + “'Faith then you wouldn't like to be where I was before I came here; that + is, in a mud cabin, where I was giving the last rites to six people dying + in the typhus fever.” + </p> + <p> + “Typhus!” exclaimed Moriarty, growing pale, and instinctively withdrawing + his chair as far as he could from the <i>padre</i> beside whom he sat. + </p> + <p> + “Ay, typhus, sir; most inveterate typhus.” + </p> + <p> + “Gracious Heaven!” said Moriarty, rising, “how can you do such a dreadful + thing as run the risk of bearing infection into society?” + </p> + <p> + “I thought soldiers were not afraid of anything,” said Father Phil, + laughing at him; and the rest of the party joined in the merriment. + </p> + <p> + “Fairly hit, Moriarty,” said Dick. + </p> + <p> + “Nonsense,” said Moriarty; “when I spoke of danger, I meant such open + danger as—in short, not such insidious lurking abomination as + infection; for I contend that—” + </p> + <p> + “Say no more, Randal,” said Growling, “you're done!—Father Phil has + floored you.” + </p> + <p> + “I deny it,” said Moriarty, warmly; but the more he denied it, the more + every one laughed at him. + </p> + <p> + “You're more frightened than hurt, Moriarty,” said the Squire; “for the + best of the joke is, Father Phil wasn't in contact with typhus at all, but + was riding with me—and 'tis but a joke.” + </p> + <p> + Here they all roared at Moriarty, who was excessively angry, but felt + himself in such a ridiculous position that he could not quarrel with + anybody. + </p> + <p> + “Pardon me, my dear captain,” said the Father; “I only wanted to show you + that a poor priest has to run the risk of his life just as much as the + boldest soldier of them all. But don't you think, Squire, 't is time to + join the ladies? I'm sure the tay will be tired waiting for us.” + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0012" id="link2HCH0012"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXXIII + </h2> + <p> + Mrs. Egan was engaged in some needlework, and Fanny turning over the + leaves of a music-book, and occasionally humming some bars of her + favourite songs, as the gentlemen came into the drawing-room. Fanny rose + from the pianoforte as they entered. + </p> + <p> + “Oh, Miss Dawson,” exclaimed Moriarty, “why tantalise us so much as to let + us see you seated in that place where you can render so much delight, only + to leave it as we enter?” + </p> + <p> + Fanny turned off the captain's flourishing speech with a few lively words + and a smile, and took her seat at the tea-table to do the honours. “The + captain,” said Father Phil to the doctor, “is equally great in love or + war.” + </p> + <p> + “And knows about as little of one as the other,” said the doctor. “His + attacks are too open.” + </p> + <p> + “And therefore easily foiled,” said Father Phil; “How that pretty + creature, with the turn of a word and a curl of her lip, upset him that + time! Oh! what a powerful thing a woman's smile is, doctor? I often + congratulate myself that my calling puts all such mundane follies and + attractions out of my way, when I see and know what fools wise men are + sometimes made by silly girls. Oh, it is fearful, doctor; though, of + course, part of the mysterious dispensation of an all-wise Providence.” + </p> + <p> + “That fools should have the mastery, is it?” inquired the doctor, drily, + with a mischievous query in his eye as well. “Tut, tut, tut, doctor,” + replied Father Phil, impatiently; “you know well enough what I mean, and I + won't allow you to engage me in one of your ingenious battles of words. I + speak of that wonderful influence of the weaker sex over the stronger, and + how the word of a rosy lip outweighs sometimes the resolves of a furrowed + brow; and how the—pooh! pooh! I'm making a fool of myself talking to + you—but to make a long story short, I would rather <i>wrastle</i> + out a logical dispute any day, or a tough argument of one of the fathers, + than refute some absurdity which fell from a pretty mouth with a smile on + it.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, I quite agree with you,” said the doctor, grinning, “that the fathers + are not half such dangerous customers as the daughters.” + </p> + <p> + “Ah, go along with you, doctor!” said Father Phil, with a good-humoured + laugh. “I see you are in one of your mischievous moods, and so I'll have + nothing more to say to you.” + </p> + <p> + The Father turned away to join the Squire, while the doctor took a seat + near Fanny Dawson and enjoyed a quiet little bit of conversation with her, + while Moriarty was turning over the leaves of her album; but the brow of + the captain, who affected a taste in poetry, became knit, and his lip + assumed a contemptuous curl, as he perused some lines, and asked Fanny + whose was the composition. + </p> + <p> + “I forget,” was Fanny's answer. + </p> + <p> + “I don't wonder,” said Moriarty; “the author is not worth remembering, for + they are very rough.” + </p> + <p> + Fanny did not seem pleased with the criticism, and said that, when sung to + the measure of the air written down on the opposite page, they were very + flowing. + </p> + <p> + “But the principal phrase, the <i>'refrain''</i> I may say, is so vulgar,” + added Moriarty, returning to the charge. “The gentleman says, 'What would + you do?' and the lady answers, 'That's what I'd do.' Do you call that + poetry?” + </p> + <p> + “I don't call <i>that</i> poetry,” said Fanny, with some emphasis on the + word; “but if you connect those two phrases with what is intermediately + written, and read all in the spirit of the entire of the verses, I think + there is poetry in them—but if not poetry, certainly feeling.” + </p> + <p> + “Can you tolerate '<i>That's what I'd do'?</i>—the pert answer of a + housemaid.” + </p> + <p> + “A phrase in itself homely,” answered Fanny, “may become elevated by the + use to which it is applied.” + </p> + <p> + “Quite true, Miss Dawson,” said the doctor, joining in the discussion. + “But what are these lines which excite Randal's ire?” + </p> + <p> + “Here they are,” said Moriarty. “I will read them, if you allow me, and + then judge between Miss Dawson and me. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 'What will you do, love, when I am going, + With white sail flowing, + The seas beyond? + What will you do, love, when—'” + </pre> + <p> + “Stop thief!—stop thief!” cried the doctor. “Why, you are robbing + the poet of his reputation as fast as you can. You don't attend to the + rhythm of those lines—you don't give the ringing of the verse.” + </p> + <p> + “That's just what I have said in other words,” said Fanny. “When sung to + the melody, they are smooth.” + </p> + <p> + “But a good reader, Miss Dawson,” said the doctor, “will read verse with + the proper accent, just as a musician would divide it into bars; but my + friend Randal there, although he can tell a good story and hit off prose + very well, has no more notion of rhythm or poetry than new beer has of a + holiday.” + </p> + <p> + “And why, pray, has not new beer a notion of a holiday?” + </p> + <p> + “Because, sir, it works of a Sunday.” + </p> + <p> + “Your <i>beer</i> may be new, doctor, but your <i>joke</i> is not—I + have seen it before in some old form.” + </p> + <p> + “Well, sir, if I found it in its old form, like a hare, and started it + fresh, it may do for folks to run after as well as anything else. But you + shan't escape your misdemeanour in mauling those verses as you have done, + by finding fault with my joke <i>redevivus.</i> You read those lines, sir, + like a bellman, without any attention to metre.” + </p> + <p> + “To be sure,” said Father Phil, who had been listening for some time; + “they have a ring in them—” + </p> + <p> + “Like a pig's nose,” said the doctor. + </p> + <p> + “Ah, be aisy,” said Father Phil. “I say they have a ring in them like an + owld Latin canticle— + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 'What <i>will</i> you <i>do,</i> love, when I am <i>go</i>-ing, + With white sail <i>flow</i>-ing, + The says be<i>yond?</i>' +</pre> + <p> + That's it!” + </p> + <p> + “To be sure,” said the doctor. “I vote for the Father's reading them out + on the spot.” + </p> + <p> + “Pray, do, Mister Blake,” said Fanny. + </p> + <p> + “Ah, Miss Dawson, what have I to do with reading love verses?” + </p> + <p> + “Take the book, sir,” said Growling, “and show me you have some faith in + your own sayings, by obeying a lady directly.” + </p> + <p> + “Pooh! pooh!” said the priest. + </p> + <p> + “You <i>won't</i> refuse me?” said Fanny, in a coaxing tone. + </p> + <p> + “My dear Miss Dawson,” said the <i>padre.</i> + </p> + <p> + “<i>Father Phil!</i>” said Fanny, with one of her rosy smiles. + </p> + <p> + “Oh, wow! wow! wow!” ejaculated the priest, in an amusing embarrassment, + “I see you will make me do whatever you like.” So Father Phil gave the + rare example of a man acting up to his own theory, and could not resist + the demand that came from a pretty mouth. He took the book and read the + lines with much feeling, but, with an observance of rhythm so grotesque, + that it must be given in his own manner. + </p> + <h3> + WHAT WILL YOU DO, LOVE? + </h3> + <h3> + I + </h3> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + “What <i>will</i> you <i>do</i>, love, when I am <i>go</i>-ing, + With white sail <i>flow</i>-ing, + The seas be-<i>yond?</i> + What <i>will</i> you <i>do</i>, love, when waves di-<i>vide</i> us, + And friends may chide us, + For being <i>fond</i>?” + + “Though waves di-<i>vide</i> us, and friends be <i>chi</i>-ding, + In faith a-<i>bi</i>-ding, + I'll still be true; + And I'll pray for <i>thee</i> on the stormy <i>o</i>-cean, + In deep de-<i>vo</i>-tion,— + That's <i>what</i> I'll do!” + </pre> + <h3> + II + </h3> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + “What <i>would</i> you <i>do</i>, love, if distant <i>ti</i>-dings + Thy fond con-<i>fi</i>-dings + Should under-<i>mine</i> + And I a-<i>bi</i>-ding 'neath sultry <i>skies</i>, + Should think other <i>eyes</i> + Were as bright as <i>thine</i>?” + + “Oh, name it <i>not</i>; though guilt and <i>shame</i> + Were on thy <i>name</i>, + I'd still be <i>true</i>; + But that heart of <i>thine</i>, should another <i>share</i> it, + I could not <i>bear it</i>;— + What <i>would</i> I do?” + </pre> + <h3> + III + </h3> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + “What <i>would</i> you do, when, home re-<i>turn</i>-ing, + With hopes high <i>burn</i>-ing, + With wealth for <i>you</i>,— + If my <i>bark</i>, that <i>bound</i>-ed o'er foreign <i>foam</i>, + Should be lost near <i>home</i>,— + Ah, what <i>would</i> you do?” + + “So them wert <i>spar</i>-d, I'd bless the <i>mor</i>-row, + In want and <i>sor</i>-row, + That left me <i>you</i>; + And I'd welcome <i>thee</i> from the wasting <i>bil</i>-low, + My heart thy <i>pil</i>-low!— + THAT'S <i>what</i> I'd do!” + </pre> + <p> + [Footnote: NOTE TO THE THIRD EDITION.—The foregoing dialogue and + Moriarty's captious remarks were meant, when, they appeared in the first + edition, as a hit at a certain small critic—a would-be song-writer—who + does ill-natured articles for the Reviews, and expressed himself very + contemptuously of my songs because of their simplicity; or, as he was + pleased to phrase it, “I had a knack of putting common things together.” + The song was written to illustrate my belief that the most common-place + expression, <i>appropriately applied</i>, may successfully serve the + purposes of the lyric; and here experience has proved me right, for this + very song of “What will you do?” (containing within it the other + common-place, “That's what I'd do”) has been received with special favour + by the public, whose long-continued goodwill towards my compositions + generally I gratefully acknowledge.] + </p> + <p> + “Well done, <i>padre!</i>” said the doctor; “with good emphasis and + discretion.” + </p> + <p> + “And now, my dear Miss Dawson,” said Father Phil, “since I've read the + lines at your high bidding, will you sing them for me at my humble + asking?” + </p> + <p> + “Very antithetically put, indeed,” said Fanny; “but you must excuse me.” + </p> + <p> + “You said there was a tune to it?” + </p> + <p> + “Yes; but I promised Captain Moriarty to sing him <i>this</i>,” said + Fanny, going over to the pianoforte, and laying her hand on an open + music-book. + </p> + <p> + “Thanks, Miss Dawson,” said Moriarty, following fast. + </p> + <p> + Now, it was not that Fanny Dawson liked the captain that she was going to + sing the song; but she thought he had been rather “<i>mobbed</i>” by the + doctor and the <i>padre</i> about the reading of the verses, and it was + her good breeding which made her pay this little attention to the worsted + party. She poured forth her sweet voice in a simple melody to the + following words:— + </p> + <h3> + SAY NOT MY HEART IS COLD + </h3> + <h3> + I + </h3> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + “Say not my heart is cold, + Because of a silent tongue! + The lute of faultless mould + In silence oft hath hung. + The fountain soonest spent + Doth babble down the steep; + But the stream that <i>ever</i> went + Is silent, strong, and deep. +</pre> + <h3> + II + </h3> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + “The charm of a secret life + Is given to choicest things:— + Of flowers, the fragrance rife + Is wafted on viewless wings; + We see not the charmed air + Bearing some witching sound; + And ocean deep is where + The pearl of price is found. +</pre> + <h3> + III + </h3> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + “Where are the stars by day? + They burn, though all unseen! + And love of purest ray + Is like the stars, I ween: + Unmark'd is the gentle light + When the sunshine of joy appears, + But ever, in sorrow's night, + 'T will glitter upon thy tears!” + </pre> + <p> + “Well, Randal, does that poem satisfy your critical taste?—of the + singing there can be but one opinion.” + </p> + <p> + “Yes, I think it pretty,” said Moriarty; “but there is one word in the + last verse I object to.” + </p> + <p> + “Which is that?” inquired Growling. + </p> + <p> + “<i>Ween</i>” said the other, “'the stars, I ween,' I object to.” + </p> + <p> + “Don't you see the meaning of that?” inquired the doctor. “I think it is a + very happy allusion.” + </p> + <p> + “I don't see any allusion whatever,” said the critic. + </p> + <p> + “Don't you see the poet alluded to the stars in the <i>milky</i> way, and + says, therefore, 'The stars I <i>wean</i>'?” + </p> + <p> + “Bah! bah! doctor,” exclaimed the critical captain; “you are in one of + your quizzing moods to-night, and it is in vain to expect a serious answer + from you.” He turned on his heel as he spoke, and went away. + </p> + <p> + “Moriarty, you know, Miss Dawson, is a man who affects a horror of puns, + and therefore I always punish him with as many as I can,” said the doctor, + who was left by Moriarty's sudden pique to the enjoyment of a pleasant + chat with Fanny, and he was sorry when the hour arrived which disturbed it + by the breaking up of the party and the departure of the guests. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0013" id="link2HCH0013"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXXIV + </h2> + <p> + When the Widow Rooney was forcibly ejected from the house of Mrs. James + Casey, and found that Andy was not the possessor of that lady's charms, + she posted off to Neck-or-Nothing Hall, to hear the full and true account + of the transaction from Andy himself. On arriving at the old iron gate, + and pulling the loud bell, she was spoken to through the bars by the + savage old janitor and told to “go out o' that.” Mrs. Rooney thought fate + was using her hard in decreeing she was to receive denial at every door, + and endeavoured to obtain a parley with the gate-keeper, to which he + seemed no way inclined. + </p> + <p> + “My name's Rooney, sir?” + </p> + <p> + “There's plenty bad o' the name,” was the civil rejoinder. + </p> + <p> + “And my son's in Squire O'Grady's sarvice, sir.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh—you're the mother of the beauty we call Handy, eh?” + </p> + <p> + “Yis, sir.” + </p> + <p> + “Well, he left the sarvice yistherday.” + </p> + <p> + “Is it lost the place?” + </p> + <p> + “Yis.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh dear! Ah, sir, let me up to the house and spake to his honour, and + maybe he'll take back the boy.” + </p> + <p> + “He doesn't want any more servants at all—for he's dead.” + </p> + <p> + “Is it Squire O'Grady dead?” + </p> + <p> + “Aye—did you never hear of a dead squire before?” + </p> + <p> + “What did he die of, sir?” + </p> + <p> + “Find out,” said the sulky brute, walking back into his den. + </p> + <p> + It was true—the renowned O'Grady was no more. The fever which had + set in from his “broiled bones,” which he <i>would</i> have in spite of + anybody, was found difficult of abatement; and the impossibility of + keeping him quiet, and his fits of passion, and consequent fresh supplies + of “broiled bones,” rendered the malady unmanageable; and the very day + after Andy had left the house the fever took a bad turn, and in + four-and-twenty hours the stormy O'Grady was at peace. + </p> + <p> + What a sudden change fell upon the house! All the wedding paraphernalia + which had been brought down lay neglected in the rooms where it had been + the object of the preceding day's admiration. The deep, absorbing, silent + grief of the wife,—the more audible sorrow of the girls,—the + subdued wildness of the reckless boys, as they trod silently past the + chamber where they no longer might dread reproof for their noise,—all + this was less touching than the effect the event had upon the old dowager + mother. While the senses of others were stunned by the blow, hers became + awakened by the shock; all her absurd aberration passed away, and she sat + in intellectual self-possession by the side of her son's death-bed, which + she never left until he was laid in his coffin. He was the first and last + of her sons. She had now none but grandchildren to look upon—the + intermediate generation had passed away, and the gap yawned fearfully + before her. It restored her, for the time, perfectly to her senses; and + she gave the necessary directions on the melancholy occasion, and + superintended all the sad ceremonials befitting the time, with a calm and + dignified resignation which impressed all around her with wonder and + respect. + </p> + <p> + Superadded to the dismay which the death of the head of a family produces + was the terrible fear which existed that O'Grady's body would be seized + for debt—a barbarous practice, which, shame to say, is still + permitted. This fear made great precaution necessary to prevent persons + approaching the house, and accounts for the extra gruffness of the gate + porter. The wild body-guard of the wild chief was on doubly active duty; + and after four-and-twenty hours had passed over the reckless boys, the + interest they took in sharing and directing this watch and ward seemed to + outweigh all sorrowful consideration for the death of their father. As for + Gustavus, the consciousness of being now the master of Neck-or-Nothing + Hall was apparent in a boy not yet fifteen; and not only in himself, but + in the grey-headed retainers about him, this might be seen: there was a + shade more of deference—the boy was merged in “<i>the young master</i>.” + But we must leave the house of mourning for the present, and follow the + Widow Rooney, who, as she tramped her way homeward, was increasing in + hideousness of visage every hour. Her nose was twice its usual dimensions, + and one eye was perfectly useless in showing her the road. At last, + however, as evening was closing, she reached her cabin, and there was + Andy, arrived before her, and telling Oonah, his cousin, all his + misadventures of the preceding day. + </p> + <p> + The history was stopped for a while by their mutual explanations and + condolences with Mrs. Rooney, on the “cruel way her poor face was used.” + </p> + <p> + “And who done it all?” said Oonah. + </p> + <p> + “Who but that born divil, Matty Dwyer—and sure they towld me <i>you</i> + were married to her,” said she to Andy. + </p> + <p> + “So I was,” said Andy, beginning the account of his misfortunes afresh to + his mother, who from time to time would break in with indiscriminate + maledictions on Andy, as well as his forsworn damsel; and when the account + was ended, she poured out a torrent of abuse upon her unfortunate forsaken + son, which riveted him to the floor in utter amazement. + </p> + <p> + “I thought I'd get pity here, at all events,” said poor Andy; “but instead + o' that it's the worst word and the hardest name in your jaw you have for + me.” + </p> + <p> + “And sarve you right, you dirty cur,” said his mother. “I ran off like a + fool when I heerd of your good fortune, and see the condition that baggage + left me in—my teeth knocked in and my eye knocked out, and all for + your foolery, because you couldn't keep what you got.” + </p> + <p> + “Sure, mother, I tell you—” + </p> + <p> + “Howld your tongue, you <i>omadhaun!</i> And then I go to Squire O'Grady's + to look for you, and there I hear you lost <i>that</i> place, too.” + </p> + <p> + “Faix, it's little loss,” said Andy. + </p> + <p> + “That's all you know about it, you goose; you lose the place just when the + man's dead and you'd have had a shuit o' mournin'. Oh, you are the most + misfortunate divil, Andy Rooney, this day in Ireland—why did I rear + you at all?” + </p> + <p> + “Squire O'Grady dead!” said Andy, in surprise and also with regret for his + late master. + </p> + <p> + “Yis—and you've lost the mournin'—augh!” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, the poor Squire!” said Andy. + </p> + <p> + “The iligant new clothes!” grumbled Mrs. Rooney. “And then luck tumbles + into your way such as man never had; without a place, or a rap to bless + yourself with, you get a rich man's daughter for your wife, and you let + her slip through your fingers.” + </p> + <p> + “How could I help it?” said Andy. + </p> + <p> + “Augh!—you bothered the job just the way you do everything,” said + his mother. + </p> + <p> + “Sure I was civil-spoken to her.” + </p> + <p> + “Augh!” said his mother. + </p> + <p> + “And took no liberty.” + </p> + <p> + “You goose!” + </p> + <p> + “And called her Miss.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, indeed you missed it altogether.” + </p> + <p> + “And said I wasn't desarvin' of her.” + </p> + <p> + “That was thrue—<i>but you should not have towld her so</i>. Make a + woman think you're betther than her, and she'll like you.” + </p> + <p> + “And sure, when I endayvoured to make myself agreeable to her——” + </p> + <p> + “<i>Endayvoured</i>!” repeated the old woman contemptuously. “<i>Endayvoured</i>, + indeed! Why didn't you <i>make</i> yourself agreeable at once, you poor + dirty goose?—no, but you went sneaking about it—I know as well + as if I was looking at you—you went sneakin' and snivelin' until the + girl took a disgust to you; for there's nothing a woman despises so much + as shilly-shallying.” + </p> + <p> + “Sure, you won't hear my defince,” said Andy. + </p> + <p> + “Oh, indeed you're betther at defince than attack,” said his mother. + </p> + <p> + “Sure, the first little civil'ty I wanted to pay to her, she took up the + three-legged stool to me.” + </p> + <p> + “The divil mend you! And what civil'ty did you offer her?” + </p> + <p> + “I made a grab at her cap, and I thought she'd have brained me.” + </p> + <p> + Oonah set up such a shout of laughter at Andy's notion of civility to a + girl, that the conversation was stopped for some time, and her aunt + remonstrated with her at her want of common sense; or, as she said, hadn't + she “more decency than to laugh at the poor fool's nonsense?” + </p> + <p> + “What could I do agen the three-legged stool?” said Andy. + </p> + <p> + “Where was your <i>own</i> legs, and your own arms, and your own eyes, and + your own tongue?—eh?” + </p> + <p> + “And sure I tell you it was all ready conthrived, and James Casey was sent + for, and came.” + </p> + <p> + “Yis,” said the mother, “but not for a long time, you towld me yourself; + and what were you doing all that time? Sure, supposing you <i>wor</i> only + a new acquaintance, any man worth a day's mate would have discoorsed her + over in the time and made her sinsible he was the best of husbands.” + </p> + <p> + “I tell you she wouldn't let me have her ear at all,” said Andy. “Nor her + cap either,” said Oonah, laughing. + </p> + <p> + “And then Jim Casey kem.” + </p> + <p> + “And why did you let him in?” + </p> + <p> + “It was <i>she</i> let him in, I tell you.” + </p> + <p> + “And why did you let her? He was on the wrong side of the door—that's + the <i>outside</i>; and you on the right—that's the <i>inside</i>; + and it was <i>your</i> house, and she was <i>your</i> wife, and you were + her masther, and you had the rights of the church, and the rights of the + law, and all the rights on your side; barrin' right rayson—that you + never had; and sure without <i>that</i>, what's the use of all the other + rights in the world?” + </p> + <p> + “Sure, hadn't he his friends, <i>sthrong</i>, outside?” + </p> + <p> + “No matther, if the door wasn't opened to them, for <i>then</i> YOU would + have had a stronger friend than any o' them present among them.” + </p> + <p> + “Who?” inquired Andy. + </p> + <p> + “The <i>hangman</i>” answered his mother; “for breaking doors is hanging + matther; and I say the presence of the hangman's always before people when + they have such a job to do, and makes them think twice sometimes before + they smash once; and so you had only to keep one woman's hands quiet.” + </p> + <p> + “Faix, some of them would smash a door as soon as not,” said Andy. + </p> + <p> + “Well, then, you'd have the satisfaction of hanging them,” said the + mother, “and that would be some consolation. But even as it is, I'll have + law for it—I will—for the property is yours, any how, though + the girl is gone—and indeed a brazen baggage she is, and is mighty + heavy in the hand. Oh, my poor eye!—it's like a coal of fire—but + sure it was worth the risk living with her for the sake of the purty + property. And sure I was thinkin' what a pleasure it would be living with + you, and tachin' your wife housekeepin', and bringing up the young turkeys + and the childhre—but, och hone, you'll never do a bit o' good, you + that got sitch careful bringin' up, Andy Rooney! Didn't I tache you + manners, you dirty hanginbone blackguard? Didn't I tache you your blessed + religion?—may the divil sweep you! Did I ever prevent you from + sharing the lavings of the pratees with the pig?—and didn't you + often clane out the pot with him? and you're no good afther all. I've + turned my honest penny by the pig, but I'll never make my money of <i>you</i>, + Andy Rooney!” + </p> + <p> + There was some minutes' silence after this eloquent outbreak of Andy's + mother, which was broken at last by Andy uttering a long sigh and an + ejaculation. + </p> + <p> + “Och? it's a fine thing to be a gintleman,” said Andy. + </p> + <p> + “Cock you up!” said his mother. “Maybe it's a gintleman you want to be; + what puts that in your head, you <i>omadhaun</i>?” + </p> + <p> + “Why, because a gintleman has no hardships, compared with one of uz. Sure, + if a gintleman was married, his wife wouldn't be tuk off from him the way + mine was.” + </p> + <p> + “Not so soon, maybe,” said the mother, drily. + </p> + <p> + “And if a gintleman brakes a horse's heart, he's only a '<i>bowld rider</i>,' + while a poor sarvant is a 'careless blackguard' for only taking a sweat + out of him. If a gintleman dhrinks till he can't see a hole in a laddher, + he's only '<i>feesh</i>—but '<i>dhrunk</i>' is the word for a poor + man. And if a gintleman kicks up a row, he's a 'fine sperited fellow,' + while a poor man is a 'disordherly vagabone' for the same; and the Justice + axes the one to dinner and sends th' other to jail. Oh, faix, the law is a + dainty lady; she takes people by the hand who can afford to wear gloves, + but people with brown fists must keep their distance.” + </p> + <p> + “I often remark,” said his mother, “that fools spake mighty sinsible + betimes; but their wisdom all goes with their gab. Why didn't you take a + betther grip of your luck when you had it? You're wishing you wor a + gintleman, and yet when you had the best part of a gintleman (the + property, I mane) put into your way, you let it slip through your fingers; + and afther lettin' a fellow take a rich wife from you and turn you out of + your own house, you sit down on a stool there, and begin to <i>wish</i> + indeed!—you sneakin' fool—wish, indeed! Och! if you wish with + one hand, and wash with th' other, which will be clane first—eh?” + </p> + <p> + “What could I do agen eight?” asked Andy. + </p> + <p> + “Why did you let them in, I say again?” said the mother, quickly. + </p> + <p> + “Sure the blame wasn't with me,” said Andy, “but with—” + </p> + <p> + “Whisht, whisht, you goose!” said his mother. “Av course you'll blame + every one and everything but yourself—'<i>The losing horse blames + the saddle</i>.'” + </p> + <p> + “Well, maybe it's all for the best,” said Andy, “afther all.” + </p> + <p> + “Augh, howld your tongue!” + </p> + <p> + “And if it <i>wasn't</i> to be, how could it be?” + </p> + <p> + “Listen to him!” + </p> + <p> + “And Providence is over us all.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh! yis!” said the mother. “When fools make mistakes they lay the blame + on Providence. How have you the impidence to talk o' Providence in that + manner? <i>I'll</i> tell you where the Providence was. Providence sent you + to Jack Dwyer's, and kep Jim Casey away, and put the anger into owld + Jack's heart—that's what the Providence did!—and made the + opening for you to spake up, and gave you a wife—a wife with <i>property!</i> + Ah, there's where the Providence was!—and you were the masther of a + snug house—that was Providence! And wouldn't myself have been the + one to be helping you in the farm—rearing the powlts, milkin' the + cow, makin' the iligant butther, with lavings of butthermilk for the pigs—the + sow thriving, and the cocks and hens cheering your heart with their + cacklin'—the hank o' yarn on the wheel, and a hank of ingins up the + chimbley—oh! there's where the Providence would have been—that + <i>would have been Providence indeed!</i>—but never tell me that + Providence turned you out of the house; <i>that</i> was your own <i>goostherumfoodle.</i>” + </p> + <p> + “Can't he take the law o' them, aunt?” inquired Oonah. + </p> + <p> + “To be sure he can—and shall, too,” said the mother. “I'll be off to + 'torney Murphy to-morrow; I'll pursue her for my eye, and Andy for the + property, and I'll put them all in Chancery, the villains!” + </p> + <p> + “It's Newgate they ought to be put in,” said Andy. + </p> + <p> + “Tut, you fool, Chancery is worse than Newgate: for people sometimes get + out of Newgate, but they never get out of Chancery, I hear.” + </p> + <p> + As Mrs. Rooney spoke, the latch of the door was raised, and a miserably + clad woman entered, closed the door immediately after her, and placed the + bar against it. The action attracted the attention of all the inmates of + the house, for the doors of the peasantry are universally “left on the + latch,” and never secured against intrusion until the family go to bed. + </p> + <p> + “God save all here!” said the woman, as she approached the fire. + </p> + <p> + “Oh, is that you, ragged Nance?” said Mrs. Rooney; for that was the + unenviable but descriptive title the new-comer was known by: and though + she knew it for her <i>soubriquet</i>, yet she also knew Mrs. Rooney would + not call her by it if she were not in an ill temper, so she began humbly + to explain the cause of her visit, when Mrs. Rooney broke in gruffly— + </p> + <p> + “Oh, you always make out a good rayson for coming; but we have nothing for + you to-night.” + </p> + <p> + “Throth, you do me wrong,” said the beggar, “if you think I came <i>shooling.</i> + [Footnote: Going on chance here and there, to pick up what one can.] It's + only to keep harm from the innocent girl here.” + </p> + <p> + “Arrah, what harm would happen her, woman?” returned the widow, savagely, + rendered more morose by the humble bearing of her against whom she + directed her severity; as if she got more angry the less the poor creature + would give her cause to justify her harshness. “Isn't she undher my roof + here?” + </p> + <p> + “But how long may she be left there?” asked the woman, significantly. + </p> + <p> + “What do you mane, woman?” + </p> + <p> + “I mane there's a plan to carry her off from you to-night.” + </p> + <p> + Oonah grew pale with true terror, and the widow screeched, after the more + approved manner of elderly ladies making believe they are very much + shocked, till Nance reminded her that crying would do no good, and that it + was requisite to make some preparation against the approaching danger. + Various plans were hastily suggested, and as hastily relinquished, till + Nance advised a measure which was deemed the best. It was to dress Andy in + female attire and let him be carried off in place of the girl. Andy roared + with laughter at the notion of being made a girl of, and said the trick + would instantly be seen through. + </p> + <p> + “Not if you act your part well; just keep down the giggle, jewel, and put + on a moderate <i>phillelew,</i> and do the thing nice and steady, and + you'll be the saving of your cousin here.” + </p> + <p> + “<i>You</i> may deceive them with the dhress; and <i>I</i> may do a bit of + a small <i>shilloo,</i> like a <i>colleen</i> in disthress, and that's all + very well,” said Andy, “as far as seeing and hearing goes; but when they + come to grip me, sure they'll find out in a minute.” + </p> + <p> + “We'll stuff you out well with rags and sthraw, and they'll never know the + differ—besides, remember, the fellow that wants a girl never comes + for her himself, [Footnote: This is mostly the case.] but sends his + friends for her, and they won't know the differ—besides, they're all + dhrunk.” + </p> + <p> + “How do you know?” + </p> + <p> + “Because they're always dhrunk—that same crew; and if they're not + dhrunk to-night, it's the first time in their lives they ever were sober. + So make haste, now, and put off your coat, till we make a purty young + colleen out o' you.” + </p> + <p> + It occurred now to the widow that it was a service of great danger Andy + was called on to perform; and with all her abuse of “<i>omadhaun</i>” she + did not like the notion of putting him in the way of losing his life, + perhaps. + </p> + <p> + “They'll murdher the boy, maybe, when they find out the chate,” said the + widow. + </p> + <p> + “Not a bit,” said Nance. + </p> + <p> + “And suppose they did,” said Andy, “I'd rather die, sure, than the + disgrace should fall upon Oonah, there.” + </p> + <p> + “God bless you, Andy dear!” said Oonah. “Sure, you have the kind heart, + anyhow; but I wouldn't for the world hurt or harm should come to you on my + account.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, don't be afeard!” said Andy, cheerily; “divil a hair I value all they + can do; so dhress me up at once.” + </p> + <p> + After some more objections on the part of his mother, which Andy + overruled, the women all joined in making up Andy into as tempting an + imitation of feminality as they could contrive; but to bestow the + roundness of outline on the angular form of Andy was no easy matter, and + required more rags than the house afforded, so some straw was + indispensable, which the pig's bed only could supply. In the midst of + their fears, the women could not help laughing as they effected some + likeness to their own forms, with their stuffing and padding; but to carry + off the width of Andy's shoulders required a very ample and voluptuous + outline indeed, and Andy could not help wishing the straw was a little + sweeter which they were packing under his nose. At last, however, after + soaping down his straggling hair on his forehead, and tying a bonnet upon + his head to shade his face as much as possible, the disguise was + completed, and the next move was to put Oonah in a place of safety. + </p> + <p> + “Get upon the hurdle in the corner, under the thatch,” said Nance. + </p> + <p> + “Oh, I'd be afeard o' my life to stay in the house at all.” + </p> + <p> + “You'd be safe enough, I tell you,” said Nance; “for once they see that + fine young woman there,” pointing to Andy, and laughing, “they'll be + satisfied with the lob we've made for them.” + </p> + <p> + Oonah still expressed her fear of remaining in the cabin. + </p> + <p> + “Then hide in the pratee-trench, behind the house.” + </p> + <p> + “That's better,” said Oonah. + </p> + <p> + “And now I must be going,” said Nance; “for they must not see me when they + come.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, don't leave me, Nance dear,” cried Oonah, “for I'm sure I'll faint + with the fright when I hear them coming, if some one is not with me.” + </p> + <p> + Nance yielded to Oonah's fears and entreaties, and with many a blessing + and boundless thanks for the beggar-woman's kindness, Oonah led the way to + the little potato garden at the back of the house, and there the women + squatted themselves in one of the trenches and awaited the impending + event. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0005" id="linkimage-0005"></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:80%"> + <img src="images/abduction.jpg" alt="The Abduction" width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + It was not long in arriving. The tramp of approaching horses at a sharp + pace rang through the stillness of the night, and the women, crouching + flat beneath the overspreading branches of the potato tops, lay breathless + in the bottom of the trench, as the riders came up to the widow's cottage + and entered. There they found the widow and her pseudo niece sitting at + the fire; and three drunken vagabonds, for the fourth was holding the + horses outside, cut some fantastic capers round the cabin, and making a + mock obeisance to the widow, the spokesman addressed her with— + </p> + <p> + “Your sarvant, ma'am!” + </p> + <p> + “Who are yiz at all, gintleman, that comes to my place at this time o' + night, and what's your business?” + </p> + <p> + “We want the loan o' that young woman there, ma'am,” said the ruffian. + </p> + <p> + Andy and his mother both uttered small squalls. + </p> + <p> + “And as for who we are, ma'am, we're the blessed society of Saint Joseph, + ma'am—our coat of arms is two heads upon one pillow, and our motty, + 'Who's afraid?—Hurroo!'” shouted the savage, and he twirled his + stick and cut another caper. Then coming up to Andy, he addressed him as + “young woman,” and said there was a fine strapping fellow whose heart was + breaking till he “rowled her in his arms.” + </p> + <p> + Andy and the mother both acted their parts very well. He rushed to the + arms of the old woman for protection, and screeched small, while the widow + shouted “<i>millia murther!</i>” at the top of her voice, and did not give + up her hold of the make-believe young woman until her cap was torn half + off, and her hair streamed about her face. She called on all the saints in + the calendar, as she knelt in the middle of the floor and rocked to and + fro, with her clasped hands raised to heaven, calling down curses on the + “villains and robbers” that were tearing her child from her, while they + threatened to stop her breath altogether if she did not make less noise, + and in the midst of the uproar dragged off Andy, whose struggles and + despair might have excited the suspicion of soberer men. They lifted him + up on a stout horse, in front of the most powerful man of the party, who + gripped Andy hard round the middle and pushed his horse to a hand gallop, + followed by the rest of the party. The proximity of Andy to his <i>cavaliero</i> + made the latter sensible to the bad odour of the pig's bed, which formed + Andy's luxurious bust and bustle; but he attributed the unsavoury scent to + a bad breath on the lady's part, and would sometimes address his charge + thus:— + </p> + <p> + “Young woman, if you plaze, would you turn your face th' other way;” then + in a side soliloquy, “By Jaker, I wondher at Jack's taste—she's a + fine lump of a girl, but her breath is murther intirely—phew—young + woman, turn away your face, or by this and that I'll fall off the horse. + I've heerd of a bad breath that might knock a man down, but I never met it + till now. Oh, murther! it's worse it's growin'—I suppose 't is the + bumpin' she's gettin' that shakes the breath out of her sthrong—oh, + there it is again—phew!” + </p> + <p> + It was as well, perhaps, for the prosecution of the deceit, that the + distaste the fellow conceived for his charge prevented any closer + approaches to Andy's visage, which might have dispelled the illusion under + which he still pushed forward to the hills and bumped poor Andy towards + the termination of his ride. Keeping a sharp look-out as he went along, + Andy soon was able to perceive they were making for that wild part of the + hills where he had discovered the private still on the night of his + temporary fright and imaginary rencontre with the giants, and the + conversation he partly overheard all recurred to him, and he saw at once + that Oonah was the person alluded to, whose name he could not catch, a + circumstance that cost him many a conjecture in the interim. This gave him + a clue to the persons into whose power he was about to fall, after having + so far defeated their scheme, and he saw he should have to deal with very + desperate and lawless parties. Remembering, moreover, the herculean frame + of the inamorato, he calculated on an awful thrashing as the smallest + penalty he should have to pay for deceiving him, but was, nevertheless, + determined to go through the adventure with a good heart, to make deceit + serve his turn as long as he might, and at the last, if necessary, to make + the best fight he could. + </p> + <p> + As it happened, luck favoured Andy in his adventure, for the hero of the + blunderbuss (and he, it will be remembered, was the love-sick gentleman) + drank profusely on the night in question, quaffing deep potations to the + health of his Oonah, wishing luck to his friends and speed to their + horses, and every now and then ascending the ladder from the cave, and + looking out for the approach of the party. On one of these occasions, from + the unsteadiness of the ladder, or himself, or perhaps both, his foot + slipped, and he came to the ground with a heavy fall, in which his head + received so severe a blow that he became insensible, and it was some time + before his sister, who was an inhabitant of this den, could restore him to + consciousness. This she did, however, and the savage recovered all the + senses the whisky had left him; but still the stunning effect of the fall + cooled his courage considerably, and, as it were, “bothered” him so, that + he felt much less of the “gallant gay Lothario” than he had done before + the accident. + </p> + <p> + The tramp of horses was heard overhead ere long, and <i>Shan More</i>, or + Big John, as the Hercules was called, told Bridget to go up to “the + darlin',” and help her down. + </p> + <p> + “For that's a blackguard laddher,” said he; “it turned undher me like an + eel, bad luck to it!—tell her I'd go up myself, only the ground is + slipping from undher me—and the laddher—” + </p> + <p> + Bridget went off, leaving Jack growling forth anathemas against the ground + and the ladder, and returned speedily with the mock-lady and her attendant + squires. + </p> + <p> + “Oh, my jewel!” roared Jack, as he caught sight of his prize. He scrambled + up on his legs, and made a rush at Andy, who imitated a woman's scream and + fright at the expected embrace; but it was with much greater difficulty he + suppressed his laughter at the headlong fall with which Big Jack plunged + his head into a heap of turf, [Footnote: Peat] and hugged a sack of malt + which lay beside it. + </p> + <p> + Andy endeavoured to overcome the provocation to merriment by screeching; + and as Bridget caught the sound of this tendency towards laughter between + the screams, she thought it was the commencement of a fit of hysterics, + and it accounted all the better for Andy's extravagant antics. + </p> + <p> + “Oh, the craythur is frightened out of her life!” said Bridget. “Leave her + to me,” said she to the men. “There, jewel machree!” she continued to + Andy, soothingly, “don't take on you that way—don't be afeerd, + you're among friends—Jack is only dhrunk dhrinking your health, + darlin', but he adores you.” Andy screeched. + </p> + <p> + “But don't be afeerd, you'll be thrated tender, and he'll marry you, + darlin', like an honest woman!” + </p> + <p> + Andy squalled. + </p> + <p> + “But not to-night, jewel—don't be frightened.” + </p> + <p> + Andy gave a heavy sob at the respite. + </p> + <p> + “Boys, will you lift Jack out o' the turf, and carry him up into the air? + 't will be good for him, and this dacent girl will sleep with me + to-night.” + </p> + <p> + Andy couldn't resist a laugh at this, and Bridget feared the girl was + going off into hysterics again. + </p> + <p> + “Aisy, dear—aisy—sure you'll be safe with me.” + </p> + <p> + “Ow! ow! ow!” shouted Andy. + </p> + <p> + “Oh, murther!” cried Bridget, “the sterricks will be the death of her! You + blackguards, you frightened her coming up here, I'm sure.” + </p> + <p> + The men swore they behaved in the genteelest manner. “Well, take away + Jack, and the girl shall have share of my bed for this night.” + </p> + <p> + Andy shook internally with laughter. + </p> + <p> + “Dear, dear, how she thrimbles!” cried Bridget, “Don't be so frightful, <i>lanna + machree</i>—there, now—they're taking Jack away, and you're + alone with myself and will have a nice sleep.” + </p> + <p> + The men all the time were removing <i>Shan More</i> to upper air; and the + last sounds they heard as they left the cave were the coaxing tones of + Bridget's voice, inviting Andy, in the softest words, to go to bed. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0014" id="link2HCH0014"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXXV + </h2> + <p> + The workshops of Neck-or-Nothing Hall rang with the sounds of occupation + for two days after the demise of its former master. The hoarse grating + sound of the saw, the whistling of the plane, and the stroke of the mallet + denoted the presence of the carpenter; and the sharper clink of a hammer + told of old Fogy, the family “milliner,” being at work; but it was not on + millinery Fogy was now employed, though neither was it legitimate tinker's + work. He was scrolling out with his shears, and beating into form, a plate + of tin, to serve for the shield on O'Grady's coffin, which was to record + his name, age, and day of departure; and this was the second plate on + which the old man worked, for one was already finished in the corner. Why + are there two coffin-plates? Enter the carpenter's shop, and you will see + the answer in two coffins the carpenter has nearly completed. But why two + coffins for one death? Listen, reader, to a bit of Irish strategy. + </p> + <p> + It has been stated that an apprehension was entertained of a seizure of + the inanimate body of O'Grady for the debts it had contracted in life, and + the harpy nature of the money-lender from whom this movement was dreaded + warranted the fear. Had O'Grady been popular, such a measure on the part + of a cruel creditor might have been defied, as the surrounding peasantry + would have risen <i>en masse</i> to prevent it; but the hostile position + in which he had placed himself towards the people alienated the natural + affection they are born with for their chiefs, and any partial defence the + few fierce retainers whom individual interest had attached to him could + have made might have been insufficient; therefore, to save his father's + remains from the pollution (as the son considered) of a bailiff's touch, + Gustavus determined to achieve by stratagem what he could not accomplish + by force, and had two coffins constructed, the one to be filled with + stones and straw, and sent out by the front entrance with all the + demonstration of a real funeral, and be given up to the attack it was + feared would be made upon it while the other, put to its legitimate use, + should be placed on a raft, and floated down the river to an ancient + burial-ground which lay some miles below on the opposite bank. A facility + for this was afforded by a branch of the river running up into the domain, + as it will be remembered; and the scene of the bearish freaks played upon + Furlong was to witness a trick of a more serious nature. + </p> + <p> + While all these preparations were going forward, the “waking” was kept up + in all the barbarous style of old times; eating and drinking in profusion + went on in the house, and the kitchen of the hall rang with joviality. The + feats of sports and arms of the man who had passed away were lauded, and + his comparative achievements with those of his progenitors gave rise to + many a stirring anecdote; and bursts of barbarous exultation, or more + barbarous merriment, rang in the house of death. There was no lack of + whisky to fire the brains of these revellers, for the standard of the + measurement of family grandeur was, too often, a liquid one in Ireland, + even so recently as the time we speak of; and the dozens of wine wasted + during the life it helped to shorten, and the posthumous gallons consumed + in toasting to the memory of the departed, were among the cherished + remembrances of hereditary honour. “There were two hogsheads of whisky + drank at my father's wake!” was but a moderate boast of a true Irish + squire, fifty years ago. + </p> + <p> + And now the last night of the wake approached, and the retainers thronged + to honour the obsequies of their departed chief with an increased + enthusiasm, which rose in proportion as the whisky got low; and songs in + praise of their present occupation—that is, getting drunk—rang + merrily round, and the sports of the field and the sorrows and joys of + love resounded; in short, the ruling passions of life figured in rhyme and + music in honour of this occasion of death—and as death is the maker + of widows, a very animated discussion on the subject of widowhood arose, + which afforded great scope for the rustic wits, and was crowned by the + song of “Widow Machree” being universally called for by the company; and a + fine-looking fellow with a merry eye and large white teeth, which he amply + displayed by a wide mouth, poured forth in cheery tones a pretty lively + air which suited well the humorous spirit of the words:— + </p> + <h3> + WIDOW MACHREE + </h3> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + “Widow <i>machree</i>, it's no wonder you frown, + Och hone! widow machree: + 'Faith, it ruins your looks, that same dirty black gown, + Och hone! widow machree. + How altered your hair, + With that close cap you wear— + 'Tis destroying your hair + Which should be flowing free: + Be no longer a churl + Of its black silken curl, + Och hone! widow machree. + + “Widow machree, now the summer is come, + Och hone! widow machree; + When everything smiles, should a beauty look glum! + Och hone! widow machree. + See the birds go in pairs, + And the rabbits and hares— + Why even the bears + Now in couples agree; + And the mute little fish, + Though they can't spake, they wish, + Och hone! widow machree. + + “Widow machree, and when winter comes in, + Och hone! widow machree, + To be poking the fire all alone is a sin, + Och hone! widow machree, + Sure the shovel and tongs + To each other belongs, + And the kittle sings songs + Full of family glee, + While alone with your cup, + Like a hermit <i>you</i> sup— + Och hone! widow machree. + + “And how do you know, with the comforts I've towld, + Och hone! widow machree, + But you're keeping some poor fellow out in the cowld, + Och hone! widow machree. + With such sins on your head, + Sure your peace would be fled, + Could you sleep in your bed, + Without thinking to see + Some ghost or some sprite, + That would wake you each night, + Crying, 'Och hone! widow machree.' + + “Then take my advice, darling widow machree, + Och hone! widow machree, + And with my advice, 'faith I wish you'd take me, + Och hone! widow machree. + You'd have me to desire + Then to sit by the fire; + And sure hope is no liar + In whispering to me + That the ghosts would depart, + When you'd me near your heart, + Och hone! widow machree.” + </pre> + <p> + The singer was honoured with a round of applause, and his challenge for + another lay was readily answered, and mirth and music filled the night and + ushered in the dawn of the day which was to witness the melancholy sight + of the master of an ample mansion being made the tenant of the “narrow + house.” + </p> + <p> + In the evening of that day, however, the wail rose loud and long; the + mirth which “the waking” permits had passed away, and the <i>ulican</i>, + or funeral cry, told that the lifeless chief was being borne from his + hall. That wild cry was heard even by the party who were waiting to make + their horrid seizure, and for <i>that</i> party the stone-laden coffin was + sent with a retinue of mourners through the old iron gate of the principal + entrance, while the mortal remains were borne by a smaller party to the + river inlet and placed on the raft. Half an hour had witnessed a sham + fight on the part of O'Grady's people with the bailiffs and their + followers, who made the seizure they intended, and locked up their prize + in an old barn to which it had been conveyed, until some engagement on the + part of the heir should liberate it; while the aforesaid heir, as soon as + the shadows of evening had shrouded the river in obscurity, conveyed the + remains, which the myrmidons of the law fancied they possessed, to its + quiet and lonely resting-place. The raft was taken in tow by a boat + carrying two of the boys, and pulled by four lusty retainers of the + departed chief, while Gustavus himself stood on the raft, astride over the + coffin, and with an eel-spear, which had afforded him many a day's sport, + performed the melancholy task of guiding it. It was a strangely painful + yet beautiful sight to behold the graceful figure of the fine boy engaged + in this last sad duty; with dexterous energy he plied his spear, now on + this side and now on that, directing the course of the raft, or clearing + it from the flaggers which interrupted its passage through the narrow + inlet. This duty he had to attend to for some time, even after leaving the + little inlet; for the river was much overgrown with flaggers at this + point, and the increasing darkness made the task more difficult. + </p> + <p> + In the midst of all this action not one word was spoken, even the sturdy + boatmen were mute, and the fall of the oar in the rowlock, the plash of + the water, and the crushing sound of the yielding rushes as the “watery + bier” made its way through them were the only sounds which broke the + silence. Still Gustavus betrayed no emotion; but by the time they reached + the open stream, and that his personal exertion was no longer required, a + change came over him. It was night,—the measured beat of the oars + sounded like a knell to him—there was darkness above him and death + below, and he sank down upon the coffin, and plunging his face + passionately between his hands, he wept bitterly. Sad were the thoughts + that oppressed the brain and wrung the heart of the high-spirited boy. He + felt that his dead father was <i>escaping</i>, as it were, to the grave,—that + even death did not terminate the consequences of an ill-spent life. He + felt like a thief in the night, even in the execution of his own + stratagem, and the bitter thoughts of that sad and solemn time wrought a + potent spell over after-years; that one hour of misery and disgrace + influenced the entire of a future life. + </p> + <p> + On a small hill overhanging the river was the ruin of an ancient early + temple of Christianity, and to its surrounding burial-ground a few of the + retainers had been despatched to prepare a grave. They were engaged in + this task by the light of a torch made of bog-pine, when the flicker of + the flame attracted the eye of a horseman who was riding slowly along the + neighbouring road. Wondering what could be the cause of light in such a + place, he leaped the adjoining fence and rode up to the grave-yard. + </p> + <p> + “What are you doing here?” he said to the labourers. They paused and + looked up, and the flash of the torch fell upon the features of Edward + O'Connor. “We're finishing your work,” said one of the men with malicious + earnestness. + </p> + <p> + “My work?” repeated Edward. + </p> + <p> + “Yes,” returned the man, more sternly than before—“this is the grave + of O'Grady.” + </p> + <p> + The words went like an ice-bolt through Edward's heart, and even by the + torchlight the tormentor could see his victim grew livid. + </p> + <p> + The fellow who wounded so deeply one so generally beloved as Edward + O'Connor was a thorough ruffian. His answer to Edward's query sprang not + from love of O'Grady, nor abhorrence of taking human life, but from the + opportunity of retort which the occasion offered upon one who had once + checked him in an act of brutality. + </p> + <p> + Yet Edward O'Connor could not reply—it was a home thrust. The death + of O'Grady had weighed heavily upon him; for though O'Grady's wound had + been given in honourable combat, provoked by his own fury, and not + producing immediate death; though that death had supervened upon the + subsequent intractability of the patient; yet the fact that O'Grady had + never been “up and doing” since the duel tended to give the impression + that his wound was the remote if not the immediate cause of his death, and + this circumstance weighed heavily on Edward's spirits. His friends told + him he felt over keenly upon the subject, and that no one but himself + could entertain a question of <i>his</i> total innocence of O'Grady's + death; but when from the lips of a common peasant he got the answer he + did, and <i>that</i> beside the grave of his adversary, it will not be + wondered at that he reeled in his saddle. A cold shivering sickness came + over him, and to avoid falling he alighted and leaned for support against + his horse, which stooped, when freed from the restraint of the rein, to + browse on the rank verdure; and for a moment Edward envied the + unconsciousness of the animal against which he leaned. He pressed his + forehead against the saddle, and from the depth of a bleeding heart came + up an agonised exclamation. + </p> + <p> + A gentle hand was laid on his shoulder as he spoke, and, turning round, he + beheld Mr. Bermingham. + </p> + <p> + “What brings you here?” said the clergyman. + </p> + <p> + “Accident,” answered Edward. “But why should I say accident?—it is + by a higher authority and a better—it is the will of Heaven. It is + meant as a bitter lesson to human pride: we make for ourselves laws of <i>honour</i>, + and forget the laws of God!” + </p> + <p> + “Be calm, my young friend,” said the worthy pastor; “I cannot wonder you + feel deeply—but command yourself.” He pressed Edward's hand as he + spoke and left him, for he knew that an agony so keen is not benefited by + companionship. + </p> + <p> + Mr. Bermingham was there by appointment to perform the burial service, and + he had not left Edward's side many minutes when a long wild whistle from + the waters announced the arrival of the boat and raft, and the retainers + ran down to the river, leaving the pine-torch stuck in the upturned earth, + waving its warm blaze over the cold grave. During the interval which + ensued between the departure of the men and their reappearance, bearing + the body to its last resting-place, Mr. Bermingham spoke with Edward + O'Connor, and soothed him into a more tranquil bearing. When the coffin + came within view he advanced to meet it, and began the sublime + burial-service, which he repeated most impressively. When it was over, the + men commenced filling up the grave. As the clods fell upon the coffin, + they smote the hearts of the dead man's children; yet the boys stood upon + the verge of the grave as long as a vestige of the tenement of their lost + father could be seen; but as soon as the coffin was hidden, they withdrew + from the brink, and the younger boys, each taking hold of the hand of the + eldest, seemed to imply the need of mutual dependence:—as if death + had drawn closer the bond of brotherhood. + </p> + <p> + There was no sincerer mourner at that place than Edward O'Connor, who + stood aloof, in respect for the feelings of the children of the departed + man, till the grave was quite filled up, and all were about to leave the + spot; but then his feelings overmastered him, and, impelled by a torrent + of contending emotions, he rushed forward, and throwing himself on his + knees before Gustavus, he held up his hands imploringly, and sobbed forth, + “Forgive me!” + </p> + <p> + The astonished boy drew back. + </p> + <p> + “Oh, forgive me!” repeated Edward—“I could not help it—it was + forced on me—it was—” + </p> + <p> + As he struggled for utterance, even the rough retainers were touched, and + one of them exclaimed, “Oh, Mr. O'Connor, it was a fair fight!” + </p> + <p> + “There!” exclaimed Edward—“you hear it! Oh, give me your hand in + forgiveness!” + </p> + <p> + “I forgive you,” said the boy, “but do not ask me to give you my hand + to-night.” + </p> + <p> + “You are right” said Edward, springing to his feet—“you are right—you + are a noble fellow; and now, remember my parting words, Gustavus:—Here, + by the side of your father's grave, I pledge you my soul that through life + and till death, in all extremity, Edward O'Connor is your sworn and trusty + friend.” + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0015" id="link2HCH0015"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXXVI + </h2> + <p> + While the foregoing scene of sadness took place in the lone churchyard, + unholy watch was kept over the second coffin by the myrmidons of the law. + The usurer who made the seizure had brought down from Dublin three of the + most determined bailiffs from amongst the tribe, and to their care was + committed the keeping of the supposed body in the old barn. Associated + with these worthies were a couple of ill-conditioned country blackguards, + who, for the sake of a bottle of whisky, would keep company with Old Nick + himself, and who expected, moreover, to hear “a power o' news” from the + “gentlemen” from Dublin, who, in their turn did not object to have their + guard strengthened, as their notions of a rescue in the country parts of + Ireland were anything but agreeable. The night was cold, so, clearing away + from one end of the barn the sheaves of corn with which it was stored, + they made a turf fire, stretched themselves on a good shake-down of straw + before the cheering blaze, and circulated among them the whisky, of which + they had a good store. A tap at the door announced a new-comer; but the + Dublin bailiffs, fearing a surprise, hesitated to open to the knock until + their country allies assured them it was a friend whose voice they + recognised. The door was opened, and in walked Larry Hogan, to pick up his + share of what was going, whatever it might be, saying— + </p> + <p> + “I thought you wor for keeping me out altogether.” + </p> + <p> + “The gintlemin from Dublin was afeard of what they call a riskya” + (rescue), said the peasant, “till I told them 't was a friend.” + </p> + <p> + “Divil a riskya will come near you to-night,” said Larry, “you may make + your minds aisy about that, for the people doesn't care enough about <i>his</i> + bones to get their own broke in savin' him, and no wondher. It's a + lantherumswash bully he always was, quiet as he is now. And there you are, + my bold squire,” said he, apostrophising the coffin which had been thrown + on a heap of sheaves. “Faix, it's a good kitchen you kep', anyhow, + whenever you had it to spind; and indeed when you <i>hadn't</i> you spint + it all the same, for the divil a much you cared how you got it; but death + has made you pay the reckoning at last—that thing that + filly-officers call the debt o' nature must be paid, whatever else you may + owe.” + </p> + <p> + “Why, it's as good as a sarmon to hear you,” said one of the bailiffs. “O + Larry, sir, discourses iligant,” said a peasant. + </p> + <p> + “Tut, tut, tut,” said Larry, with affected modesty: “it's not what <i>I</i> + say, but I can tell you a thing that Docthor Growlin' put out on him more + nor a year ago, which was mighty 'cute. Scholars calls it an 'epithet of + dissipation,' which means getting a man's tombstone ready for him before + he dies; and divil a more cutting thing was ever cut on a tombstone than + the doctor's rhyme; this is it— + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 'Here lies O'Grady, that cantankerous creature, + Who paid, as all must pay, the debt of nature; + But, keeping to his general maxim still, + Paid it—like other debts—against his will.'” + </pre> + <p> + [Footnote: These bitter lines on a “bad pay” were written by a Dublin + medical wit of high repute, of whom Dr. Growling is a prototype.] + </p> + <p> + “What do <i>you</i> think o' that, Goggins?” inquired one bailiff from the + other; “you're a judge o' po'thry.” + </p> + <p> + “It's <i>sevare,”</i> answered Goggins, authoritatively, “but <i>coorse,</i> + I wish you'd brile the rashers; I begin to feel the calls o' nature, as + the poet says.” + </p> + <p> + This Mister Goggins was a character in his way. He had the greatest + longing to be thought a poet, put execrable couplets together sometimes, + and always talked as fine as he could; and his mixture of sentimentality, + with a large stock of blackguardism, produced a strange jumble. + </p> + <p> + “The people here thought it nate, sir,” said Larry. + </p> + <p> + “Oh, very well for the country!” said Goggins; “but 't wouldn't do for + town.” + </p> + <p> + “Misther Coggings knows best,” said the bailiff who first spoke, “for he's + a pote himself, and writes in the newspapers.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, indeed!” said Larry. + </p> + <p> + “Yes,” said Goggins, “sometimes I throw off little things for the + newspapers. There's a friend of mine you see, a gentleman connected with + the press, who is often in defficulties, and I give him a hint to keep out + o' the way when he's in trouble, and he swears I've a genus for the muses, + and encourages me—” + </p> + <p> + “Humph!” says Larry. + </p> + <p> + “And puts my things in the paper, when he gets the editor's back turned, + for the editor is a consaited chap that likes no one's po'thry but his + own; but never mind—if I ever get a writ against that chap, <i>won't</i> + I sarve it!” + </p> + <p> + “And I dar say some day you will have it agen him, sir,” said Larry. + </p> + <p> + “Sure of it, a'most,” said Goggins; “them litherary men is always in + defficulties.” + </p> + <p> + “I wondher you'd be like them, then, and write at all,” said Larry. + </p> + <p> + “Oh, as for me, it's only by way of amusement; attached as I am to the + legal profession, my time wouldn't permit; but I have been infected by the + company I kept. The living images that creeps over a man sometimes is + irresistible, and you have no pace till you get them out o' your head.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, indeed, they are very throublesome,” says Larry, “and are the + litherary gintlemen, sir, as you call them, mostly that way?” + </p> + <p> + “To be sure; it is <i>that</i> which makes a litherary man: his head is + full—teems with creation, sir.” + </p> + <p> + “Dear, dear!” said Larry. + </p> + <p> + “And when once the itch of litherature comes over a man, nothing can cure + it but the scratching of a pen.” + </p> + <p> + “But if you have not a pen, I suppose you must scratch any other way you + can.” + </p> + <p> + “To be sure,” said Goggins, “I have seen a litherary gentleman in a + sponging-house do crack things on the wall with a bit of burnt stick, + rather than be idle—they must execute.” + </p> + <p> + “Ha!” says Larry. + </p> + <p> + “Sometimes, in all their poverty and difficulty, I envy the 'fatal + fatality,' as the poet says, of such men in catching ideas.” + </p> + <p> + “That's the genteel name for it,” says Larry. + </p> + <p> + “Oh!” exclaimed Goggins, enthusiastically, “I know the satisfaction of + catching a man, but it's nothing at all compared to catching an idea. For + the man, you see, can give hail and get off, but the idea is your own for + ever. And then a rhyme—when it has puzzled you all day, the pleasure + you have in <i>nabbing</i> it at last!” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, it's po'thry you're spakin' about,” said Larry. + </p> + <p> + “To be sure,” said Goggins; “do you think I'd throw away my time on prose? + You're burning that bacon, Tim,” said he to his <i>sub</i>. + </p> + <p> + “Poethry, agen the world!” continued he to Larry, “the Castilian sthraime + for me!—Hand us that whisky”—he put the bottle to his mouth + and took a swig—“That's good—you do a bit of private here, I + suspect,” said he, with a wink, pointing to the bottle. + </p> + <p> + Larry returned a significant grin, but said nothing. Oh, don't be afraid + o' me—I would n't'peach—” + </p> + <p> + “Sure it's agen the law, and you're a gintleman o' the law,” said Larry. + </p> + <p> + “That's no rule,” said Goggins: “the Lord Chief Justice always goes to + bed, they say, with six tumblers o' potteen under his belt; and dhrink it + myself.” + </p> + <p> + “Arrah, how do you get it?” said Larry. + </p> + <p> + “From a gentleman, a friend o' mine, in the Custom-house.” + </p> + <p> + “A-dad, that's quare,” said Larry, laughing. + </p> + <p> + “Oh, we see queer things, I tell you,” said Goggins, “we gentlemen of the + law.” + </p> + <p> + “To be sure you must,” returned Larry; “and mighty improvin' it must be. + Did you ever catch a thief, sir?” + </p> + <p> + “My good man, you mistake my profession,” said Goggins, proudly; “we never + have anything to do in the <i>criminal</i> line, that's much beneath <i>us</i>.” + </p> + <p> + “I ax your pardon, sir.” + </p> + <p> + “No offence—no offence.” + </p> + <p> + “But it must be mighty improvin', I think, ketching of thieves, and + finding out their thricks and hidin'-places, and the like?” + </p> + <p> + “Yes, yes,” said Goggins, “good fun; though I don't do it, I know all + about it, and could tell queer things too.” + </p> + <p> + “Arrah, maybe you would, sir?” said Larry. + </p> + <p> + “Maybe I will, after we nibble some rashers—will you take share?” + </p> + <p> + “Musha, long life to you,” said Larry, always willing to get whatever he + could. A repast was now made, more resembling a feast of savages round + their war-fire than any civilised meal; slices of bacon broiled in the + fire, and eggs roasted in the turf-ashes. The viands were not + objectionable; but the cooking! Oh!—there was neither gridiron nor + frying-pan, fork nor spoon; a couple of clasp-knives served the whole + party. Nevertheless, they satisfied their hunger and then sent the bottle + on its exhilarating round. Soon after that, many a story of burglary, + robbery, swindling, petty larceny, and every conceivable crime, was + related for the amusement of the circle; and the plots and counterplots of + thieves and thief-takers raised the wonder of the peasants. Larry Hogan + was especially delighted; more particularly when some trick of either + villany or cunning came out. + </p> + <p> + “Now women are troublesome cattle to deal with mostly,” said Goggins. + “They are remarkably 'cute first, and then they are spiteful after; and + for circumventin' <i>either</i> way are sharp hands. You see they do it + quieter than men; a man will make a noise about it, but a woman does it + all on the sly. There was Bill Morgan—and a sharp fellow he was, too—and + he had set his heart on some silver spoons he used to see down in a + kitchen windy, but the servant-maid, somehow or other, suspected there was + designs about the place, and was on the watch. Well, one night, when she + was all alone, she heard a noise outside the windy, so she kept as quiet + as a mouse. By-and-by the sash was attempted to be riz from the outside, + so she laid hold of a kittle of boiling wather and stood hid behind the + shutter. The windy was now riz a little, and a hand and arm thrust in to + throw up the sash altogether, when the girl poured the boiling wather down + the sleeve of Bill's coat. Bill roared with the pain, when the girl said + to him, laughing, through the windy, 'I <i>thought</i> you came for + something.'” + </p> + <p> + “That was a 'cute girl,” said Larry, chuckling. + </p> + <p> + “Well, now, that's an instance of a woman's cleverness in preventing. I'll + teach you one of her determination to discover and prosecute to + conviction; and in this case, what makes it curious is, that Jack Tate had + done the bowldest thing, and run the greatest risks, 'the eminent deadly,' + as the poet says, when he was done up at last by a feather-bed.” + </p> + <p> + “A feather-bed,” repeated Larry, wondering how a feather-bed could + influence the fate of a bold burglar, while Goggins mistook his + exclamation of surprise to signify the paltriness of the prize, and + therefore chimed in with him. + </p> + <p> + “Quite true—no wonder you wonder—quite below a man of his + pluck; but the fact was, a sweetheart of his was longing for a + feather-bed, and Jack determined to get it. Well, he marched into a house, + the door of which he found open, and went up-stairs, and took the best + feather-bed in the house, tied it up in the best quilt, crammed some caps + and ribbons he saw lying about into the bundle, and marched down-stairs + again; but you see, in carrying off even the small thing of a feather-bed, + Jack showed the skill of a high practitioner, for he descendhered the + stairs backwards.” + </p> + <p> + “Backwards!” said Larry, “what was that for?” + </p> + <p> + “You'll see by-and-by,” said Goggins; “he descendhered backwards when + suddenly he heard a door opening, and a faymale voice exclaim, 'Where are + you going with that bed?' + </p> + <p> + “'I am going up-stairs with it, ma'am,' says Jack, whose backward position + favoured his lie, and he began to walk up again. + </p> + <p> + “'Come down here,' said the lady, 'we want no beds here, man.' + </p> + <p> + “'Mr. Sullivan, ma'am, sent me home with it himself,' said Jack, still + mounting the stairs. + </p> + <p> + “'Come down, I tell you,' said the lady, in a great rage. 'There's no Mr. + Sullivan lives here—go out of this with your bed, you stupid + fellow.' + </p> + <p> + “'I beg your pardon, ma'am,' says Jack, turning round, and marching off + with the bed fair and aisy. Well, there was a regular shilloo in the house + when the thing was found out, and cart-ropes wouldn't howld the lady for + the rage she was in at being diddled; so she offered rewards, and the + dickens knows all; and what do you think at last discovered our poor + Jack?” + </p> + <p> + “The sweetheart, maybe,” said Larry, grinning in ecstasy at the thought of + human perfidy. + </p> + <p> + “No,” said Goggins, “honour even among sweethearts, though they do the + trick sometimes, I confess; but no woman of any honour would betray a + great man like Jack. No—'t was one of the paltry ribbons that + brought conviction home to him; the woman never lost sight of hunting up + evidence about her feather-bed, and, in the end, a ribbon out of one of + her caps settled the hash of Jack Tate.” + </p> + <p> + From robbings they went on to tell of murders, and at last that + uncomfortable sensation which people experience after a feast of horrors + began to pervade the party; and whenever they looked round, <i>there</i> + was the coffin in the background. + </p> + <p> + “Throw some turf on the fire,” said Goggins, “'t is burning low; and + change the subject; the tragic muse has reigned sufficiently long—enough + of the dagger and the bowl—sink the socks and put on the buckskins. + Leather away, Jim—sing us a song.” + </p> + <p> + “What is it to be?” asked Jim. + </p> + <p> + “Oh—that last song of the Solicitor-General's,” said Goggins, with + an air as if the Solicitor-General were his particular friend. + </p> + <p> + “About the robbery?” inquired Jim. + </p> + <p> + “To be sure,” returned Goggins. + </p> + <p> + “Dear me,” said Larry, “and would so grate a man as the Solicithor-General + demane himself by writin' about robbers?” + </p> + <p> + “Oh!” said Goggins, “those in the heavy profession of the law must have + their little private moments of rollickzation; and then high men, you see, + like to do a bit of low by way of variety. 'The Night before Larry was + stretched' was done by a bishop, they say; and 'Lord Altamont's Bull' by + the Lord Chief Justice; and the Solicitor-General is as up to fun as any + bishop of them all. Come, Jim, tip us the stave!” + </p> + <p> + Jim cleared his throat and obeyed his chief. + </p> + <h3> + THE QUAKER'S MEETING + </h3> + <h3> + I + </h3> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + “A traveller wended the wilds among, + With a purse of gold and a silver tongue; + His hat it was broad, and all drab were his clothes, + For he hated high colours—except on his nose, + And he met with a lady, the story goes. + Heigho! <i>yea</i> thee and <i>nay</i> thee. +</pre> + <h3> + II + </h3> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + “The damsel she cast him a merry blink, + And the traveller nothing was loth, I think; + Her merry black eye beamed her bonnet beneath, + And the quaker, he grinned, for he'd very good teeth, + And he asked, 'Art thee going to ride on the heath?' + Heigho! <i>yea</i> thee and <i>nay</i> thee. +</pre> + <p> + [Footnote: The inferior class of quakers make THEE serve not only its own + grammatical use, but also do the duty of THY and THINE.] + </p> + <h3> + III + </h3> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + “'I hope you'll protect me, kind sir,' said the maid, + 'As to ride this heath over I'm sadly afraid; + For robbers, they say, here in numbers abound, + And I wouldn't “for anything” I should be found, + For, between you and me, I have five hundred pound.' + Heigho! <i>yea</i> thee and <i>nay</i> thee. +</pre> + <h3> + IV + </h3> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + “'If that is thee own, dear,' the quaker he said, + 'I ne'er saw a maiden I sooner would wed; + And I have another five hundred just now, + In the padding that's under my saddle-bow, + And I'll settle it all upon thee, I vow!' + Heigho! <i>yea</i> thee and <i>nay</i> thee. +</pre> + <h3> + V + </h3> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + “The maiden she smiled, and her rein she drew, + 'Your offer I'll take, though I'll not take you;' + A pistol she held at the quaker's head— + 'Now give me your gold, or I'll give you my lead, + 'Tis under the saddle I think you said.' + Heigho! <i>yea</i> thee and <i>nay</i> thee. +</pre> + <h3> + VI + </h3> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + “The damsel she ripp'd up the saddle-bow, + And the quaker was never a quaker till now; + And he saw by the fair one he wish'd for a bride + His purse borne away with a swaggering stride, + And the eye that looked tender now only defied. + Heigho! <i>yea</i> thee and <i>nay</i> thee. +</pre> + <h3> + VII + </h3> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + “'The spirit doth move me, friend Broadbrim,' quoth she, + 'To take all this filthy temptation from thee; + For Mammon deceiveth, and beauty is fleeting: + Accept from thy <i>maai-d'n</i> a right loving greeting, + For much doth she profit by this quaker's meeting. + Heigho! <i>yea</i> thee and <i>nay</i> thee. +</pre> + <h3> + VIII + </h3> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + “'And hark! jolly quaker, so rosy and sly, + Have righteousness more than a wench in thine eye, + Don't go again peeping girls' bonnets beneath, + Remember the one that you met on the heath, + <i>Her</i> name's <i>Jimmy</i> Barlow—I tell to your teeth!' + Heigho! <i>yea</i> thee and <i>nay</i> thee. +</pre> + <h3> + IX + </h3> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + “'<i>Friend</i> James,' quoth the quaker, 'pray listen to me, + For thou canst confer a great favour, d' ye see; + The gold thou hast taken is not mine, my friend, + But my master's—and on thee I depend + To make it appear I my trust did defend. + Heigho! <i>yea</i> thee and <i>nay</i> thee. +</pre> + <h3> + X + </h3> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + “'So fire a few shots through my clothes, here and there, + To make it appear 't was a desp'rate affair.' + So Jim he popped first through the skirt of his coat, + And then through his collar quite close to his throat. + 'Now once through my broad-brim,' quoth Ephraim, 'I vote. + Heigho! <i>yea</i> thee and <i>nay</i> thee. +</pre> + <h3> + XI + </h3> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + “'I have but a brace,' said bold Jim, 'and they 're spent, + And I won't load again for a make-believe rent.' + 'Then,' said Ephraim—producing his pistols—'just give + My five hundred pounds back—or, as sure as you live, + I'll make of your body a riddle or sieve.' + Heigho! <i>yea</i> thee and <i>nay</i> thee. +</pre> + <h3> + XII + </h3> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + “Jim Barlow was diddled, and though he was game, + He saw Ephraim's pistol so deadly in aim, + That he gave up the gold, and he took to his scrapers; + And when the whole story got into the papers, + They said that '<i>the thieves were no match for the quakers</i>.' + Heigho! <i>yea</i> thee and <i>nay</i> thee.” + </pre> + <p> + “Well, it's a quare thing you should be singin' a song here,” said Larry + Hogan, “about Jim Barlow, and it's not over half a mile out of this very + place he was hanged.” + </p> + <p> + “Indeed!” exclaimed all the men at once, looking with great interest at + Larry. + </p> + <p> + “It's truth I'm telling you. He made a very bowld robbery up by the long + hill there, on <i>two</i> gintlemen, for he was mighty stout.” + </p> + <p> + “Pluck to the back-bone,” said Goggins. + </p> + <p> + “Well, he tuk the purses aff both o' them; and just as he was goin' on + afther doin' the same, what should appear on the road before him, but two + other travellers coming up forninst him. With that the men that was robbed + cried out, 'Stop thief!' and so Jim, seein' himself hemmed in betune the + four o' them, faced his horse to the ditch and took across the counthry; + but the thravellers was well mounted as well as himself, and powdhered + afther him like mad. Well, it was equal to a steeple chase a'most; and + Jim, seein' he could not shake them off, thought the best thing he could + do was to cut out some troublesome work for them; so he led off where he + knew there was the divil's own leap to take, and he intended to 'pound + [Footnote: Impound] them there, and be off in the mane time; but as ill + luck would have it, his own horse, that was as bowld as himself, and would + jump at the moon if he was faced to it, missed his foot in takin' off, and + fell short o' the leap and slipped his shouldher, and Jim himself had a + bad fall of it too, and, av coorse, it was all over wid him—and up + came the four gintlemen. Well, Jim had his pistols yet, and he pulled them + out, and swore he'd shoot the first man that attempted to take him; but + the gintlemen had pistols as well as he, and were so hot on the chase they + determined to have him, and closed on him. Jim fired and killed one o' + them; but he got a ball in the shouldher himself, from another, and he was + taken. Jim sthruv to shoot himself with his second pistol, but it missed + fire. 'The curse o' the road is on me,' said Jim; 'my pistol missed fire, + and my horse slipped his shouldher, and now I'll be scragged,' says he, + 'but it's not for nothing—I've killed one o' ye,' says he.” + </p> + <p> + “He was all pluck,” said Goggins. + </p> + <p> + “Desperate bowld,” said Larry. “Well, he was thried and condimned <i>av + coorse</i>, and was hanged, as I tell you, half a mile out o' this very + place, where we are sittin', and his appearance walks, they say, ever + since.” + </p> + <p> + “You don't say so!” said Goggins. + </p> + <p> + “'Faith, it's thrue!” answered Larry. + </p> + <p> + “You never saw it,” said Goggins. + </p> + <p> + “The Lord forbid!” returned Larry; “but it's thrue, for all that. For you + see the big house near this barn, that is all in ruin, was desarted + because Jim's ghost used to walk.” + </p> + <p> + “That was foolish,” said Goggins; “stir up the fire, Jim, and hand me the + whisky.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, if it was only walkin', they might have got over that; but at last + one night, as the story goes, when there was a thremendious storm o' wind + and rain—” + </p> + <p> + “Whisht!” said one of the peasants, “what's that?” + </p> + <p> + As they listened, they heard the beating of heavy rain against the door, + and the wind howled through its chinks. + </p> + <p> + “Well,” said Goggins, “what are you stopping for?” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, I'm not stoppin',” said Larry; “I was sayin' that it was a bad wild + night, and Jimmy Barlow's appearance came into the house and asked them + for a glass o' sper'ts, and that he'd be obleeged to them if they'd help + him with his horse that slipped his shouldher; and, 'faith, afther <i>that</i>, + they'd stay in the place no longer; and signs on it, the house is gone to + rack and ruin, and it's only this barn that is kept up at all, because + it's convaynient for owld Skinflint on the farm.” + </p> + <p> + “That's all nonsense,” said Goggins, who wished, nevertheless, that he had + not heard the “nonsense.” + </p> + <p> + “Come, sing another song, Jim.” + </p> + <p> + Jim said he did not remember one. + </p> + <p> + “Then you sing, Ralph.” + </p> + <p> + Ralph said every one knew he never did more than join a chorus. + </p> + <p> + “Then join me in a chorus,” said Goggins, “for I'll sing, if Jim's + afraid.” + </p> + <p> + “I'm not afraid,” said Jim. + </p> + <p> + “Then why won't you sing?” + </p> + <p> + “Because I don't like.” + </p> + <p> + “Ah!” exclaimed Goggins. + </p> + <p> + “Well, maybe you're afraid yourself,” said Jim, “if you towld thruth.” + “Just to show you how little I'm afeard,” said Goggins, with a swaggering + air, “I'll sing another song about Jimmy Barlow.” + </p> + <p> + “You'd better not,” said Larry Hogan. “Let him rest in pace!” + </p> + <p> + “Fudge!” said Goggins. “Will you join chorus, Jim?” + </p> + <p> + “I will,” said Jim, fiercely. + </p> + <p> + “We'll all join,” said the men (except Larry), who felt it would be a sort + of relief to bully away the supernatural terror which hung round their + hearts after the ghost story by the sound of their own voices. + </p> + <p> + “Then here goes!” said Goggins, who started another long ballad about + Jimmy Barlow, in the opening of which all joined. It ran as follows:— + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + “My name it is Jimmy Barlow, + I was born in the town of Carlow, + And here I lie in the Maryborough jail, + All for the robbing of the Wicklow mail. + Fol de rol de rol de riddle-ido!” + </pre> + <p> + As it would be tiresome to follow this ballad through all its length, + breadth, and thickness, we shall leave the singers engaged in their + chorus, while we call the reader's attention to a more interesting person + than Mister Goggins or Jimmy Barlow. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0016" id="link2HCH0016"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXXVII + </h2> + <p> + When Edward O'Connor had hurried from the burial-place, he threw himself + into his saddle, and urged his horse to speed, anxious to fly the spot + where his feelings had been so harrowed; and as he swept along through the + cold night wind which began to rise in gusty fits, and howled past him, + there was in the violence of his rapid motion something congenial to the + fierce career of painful thoughts which chased each other through his + heated brain. He continued to travel at this rapid pace, so absorbed in + bitter reflection as to be quite insensible to external impressions, and + he knew not how far nor how fast he was going, though the heavy breathing + of his horse at any other time would have been signal sufficient to draw + the rein; but still he pressed onward, and still the storm increased, and + each acclivity was topped but to sweep down the succeeding slope at the + same desperate pace. Hitherto the road over which he pursued his fleet + career lay through an open country, and though the shades of a stormy + night hung above it, the horse could make his way in safety through the + gloom; but now they approached an old road which skirted an ancient + domain, whose venerable trees threw their arms across the old causeway, + and added their shadows to the darkness of the night. + </p> + <p> + Many and many a time had Edward ridden in the soft summer under the green + shade of these very trees, in company with Fanny Dawson, his guiltless + heart full of hope and love; perhaps it was this very thought crossing his + mind at the moment which made his present circumstances the more + oppressive. He was guiltless no longer—he rode not in happiness with + the woman he adored under the soft shade of summer trees, but heard the + wintry wind howl through their leafless boughs as he hurried in maddened + speed beneath them, and heard in the dismal sound but an echo of the voice + of remorse which was ringing through his heart. The darkness was intense + from the canopy of old oaks which overhung the road, but still the horse + was urged through the dark ravine at speed, though one might not see an + arm's length before. Fearlessly it was performed, though ever and anon, as + the trees swung about their heavy branches in the storm, smaller portions + of the boughs were snapped off and flung in the faces of the horse and the + rider, who still spurred and plashed his headlong way through the heavy + road beneath. Emerging at length from the deep and overshadowed valley, a + steep hill raised its crest in advance, but still up the stony acclivity + the feet of the mettled steed rattled rapidly, and flashed fire from the + flinty path. As they approached the top of the hill, the force of the + storm became more apparent; and on reaching its crest, the fierce pelting + of the mingled rain and hail made the horse impatient of the storm of + which his rider was heedless—almost unconscious. The spent animal + with short snortings betokened his labour, and shook his head passionately + as the fierce hail-shower struck him in the eyes and nostrils. Still, + however, was he urged downward, but he was no longer safe. Quite blown, + and pressed over a rough descent, the generous creature, that would die + rather than refuse, made a false step, and came heavily to the ground. + Edward was stunned by the fall, though not seriously hurt; and, after the + lapse of a few seconds, recovered his feet, but found the horse still + prostrate. Taking the animal by the head, he assisted him to rise, which + he was not enabled to do till after several efforts; and when he regained + his legs, it was manifest he was seriously lamed; and as he limped along + with difficulty beside his master, who led him gently, it became evident + that it was beyond the animal's power to reach his own stable that night. + Edward for the first time was now aware of how much he had punished his + horse; he felt ashamed of using the noble brute with such severity, and + became conscious that he had been acting under something little short of + frenzy. The consciousness at once tended to restore him somewhat to + himself, and he began to look around on every side in search of some house + where he could find rest and shelter for his disabled horse. As he + proceeded thus, the care necessarily bestowed on his dumb companion + partially called off his thoughts from the painful theme with which they + had been exclusively occupied, and the effect was most beneficial. The + first violent burst of feeling was past, and a calmer train of thought + succeeded; he for the first time remembered the boy had forgiven him, and + that was a great consolation to him; he recalled, too, his own words, + pledging to Gustavus his friendship, and in this pleasing hope of the + future he saw much to redeem what he regretted of the past. Still, + however, the wild flare of the pine-torch over the lone grave of his + adversary, and the horrid answer of the grave-digger, that he was but + “finishing <i>his</i> work,” would recur to his memory and awake an + internal pang. + </p> + <p> + From this painful reminiscence he sought to escape, by looking forward to + all he would do for Gustavus, and had become much calmer, when the glimmer + of a light not far ahead attracted him, and he soon was enabled to + perceive it proceeded from some buildings that lay on his right, not far + from the road. He turned up the rough path which formed the approach, and + the light escaped through the chinks of a large door which indicated the + place to be a coach-house, or some such office, belonging to the general + pile which seemed in a ruinous condition. + </p> + <p> + As he approached, Edward heard rude sounds of merriment, amongst which the + joining of many voices in a “ree-raw” chorus indicated that a carouse was + going forward within. + </p> + <p> + On reaching the door he could perceive through a wide chink a group of men + sitting round a turf fire piled at the far end of the building, which had + no fire-place, and the smoke, curling upwards to the roof, wreathed the + rafters in smoke; beneath this vapoury canopy the party sat drinking and + singing, and Edward, ere he knocked for admittance, listened to the + following strange refrain:— + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + <i>“For my name it is Jimmy Barlow, + I was born in the town of Carlow, + And here I lie in Maryborough jail, + All for the robbing of the Wicklow mail. + Fol de rol de riddle-iddle-ido!”</i> +</pre> + <p> + Then the principal singer took up the song, which seemed to be one of + robbery, blood, and murder, for it ran thus:— + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + “Then he cocked his pistol gaily, + And stood before him bravely, + Smoke and fire is my desire, + So blaze away, my game-cock squire. + <i>For my name it is Jimmy Barlow, + I was born &c.</i>” + </pre> + <p> + Edward O'Connor knocked at the door loudly; the words he had just heard + about “pistols,” “blazing away,” and, last of all, “<i>squire</i>” fell + gratingly on his ear at that moment, and seemed strangely to connect + themselves with the previous adventures of the night and his own sad + thoughts, and he beat against the door with violence. + </p> + <p> + The chorus ceased; Edward repeated his knocking. Still there was no + answer; but he heard low and hurried muttering inside. Determined, + however, to gain admittance, Edward laid hold of an iron hasp outside the + door, which enabled him to shake the gate with violence, that there might + be no excuse on the part of the inmates that they did not hear; but in + thus making the old door rattle in its frame, it suddenly yielded to his + touch and creaked open on its rusty hinges; for when Larry Hogan had + entered, it had been forgotten to be barred. + </p> + <p> + As Edward stood in the open doorway, the first object which met his eye + was the coffin—and it is impossible to say how much at that moment + the sight shocked him; he shuddered involuntarily, yet could not withdraw + his eyes from the revolting object; and the pallor with which his previous + mental anxiety had invested his cheek increased as he looked on this last + tenement of mortality. “Am I to see nothing but the evidences of death's + doing this night?” was the mental question which shot through Edward's + over-wrought brain, and he grew livid at the thought. He looked more like + one raised from the grave than a living being, and a wild glare in his + eyes rendered his appearance still more unearthly. He felt that shame + which men always experience in allowing their feelings to overcome them; + and by a great effort he mastered his emotion and spoke, but the voice + partook of the strong nervous excitement under which he laboured, and was + hollow and broken, and seemed more like that which one might fancy to + proceed from the jaws of a sepulchre than one of flesh and blood. Beaten + by the storm, too, his hair hung in wet flakes over his face and added to + his wild appearance, so that the men all started up at the first glimpse + they caught of him, and huddled themselves together in the farthest corner + of the building, from whence they eyed him with evident alarm. + </p> + <p> + Edward thought some whisky might check the feeling of faintness which + overcame him; and though he deemed it probable he had broken in upon the + nocturnal revel of desperate and lawless men, he nevertheless asked them + to give him some; but instead of displaying that alacrity so universal in + Ireland, of sharing the “creature” with a new-comer, the men only pointed + to the bottle which stood beside the fire, and drew closer together. + </p> + <p> + Edward's desire for the stimulant was so great, that he scarcely noticed + the singular want of courtesy on the part of the men; and seizing the + bottle (for there was no glass), he put it to his lips, and quaffed a + hearty dram of the spirit before he spoke. + </p> + <p> + “I must ask for shelter and assistance here,” said Edward. “My horse, I + fear, has slipped his shoulder—” + </p> + <p> + Before he could utter another word, a simultaneous roar of terror burst + from the group; they fancied the ghost of Jimmy Barlow was before them, + and made a simultaneous rush from the barn; and when they saw the horse at + the door, another yell escaped them, as they fled with increased speed and + terror. Edward stood in amazement as the men rushed from his presence; he + followed to the gate to recall them; they were gone; he could only hear + their yells in the distance. The circumstance seemed quite unaccountable; + and as he stood lost in vain surmises as to the cause of the strange + occurrence, a low neigh of recognition from the horse reminded him of the + animal's wants, and he led him into the barn, where, from the plenty of + straw which lay around, he shook down a litter where the maimed animal + might rest. + </p> + <p> + He then paced up and down the barn, lost in wonder at the conduct of those + whom he found there, and whom his presence had so suddenly expelled; and + ever as he walked towards the fire, the coffin caught his eye. As a fitful + blaze occasionally arose, it flashed upon the plate, which brightly + reflected the flame, and Edward was irresistibly drawn, despite his + original impression of horror at the object, to approach and read the + inscription. The shield bore the name of “O'Grady,” and Edward recoiled + from the coffin with a shudder, and inwardly asked, was he in his waking + senses? He had but an hour ago seen his adversary laid in his grave, yet + here was his coffin again before him, as if to harrow up his soul anew. + Was it real, or a mockery? Was he the sport of a dream, or was there some + dreadful curse fallen upon him that he should be for ever haunted by the + victim of his arm, and the call of vengeance for blood be ever upon his + track? He breathed short and hard, and the smoky atmosphere in which he + was enveloped rendered respiration still more difficult. As through this + oppressive vapour, which seemed only fit for the nether world, he saw the + coffin-plate flash back the flame, his imagination accumulated horror on + horror; and when the blaze sank, and but the bright red of the fire was + reflected, it seemed to him to burn, as it were, with a spot of blood, and + he could support the scene no longer, but rushed from the barn in a state + of mind bordering on frenzy. + </p> + <p> + It was about an hour afterwards, near midnight, that the old barn was in + flames; most likely some of the straw near the fire, in the confusion of + the breaking up of the party, had been scattered within range of ignition, + and caused the accident. The flames were seen for miles round the country, + and the shattered walls of the ruined mansion-house were illuminated + brightly by the glare of the consuming barn, which in the morning added + its own blackened and reeking ruin to the desolation, and crowds of + persons congregated to the spot for many days after. The charred planks of + the coffin were dragged from amongst the ruin; and as the roof in falling + in had dragged a large portion of the wall along with it, the stones which + had filled the coffin could not be distinguished from those of the fallen + building, therefore much wonder arose that no vestige of the bones of the + corpse it was supposed to contain should be discovered. Wonder increased + to horror as the strange fact was promulgated, and in the ready credulity + of a superstitious people, the terrible belief became general, that his + sable majesty had made off with O'Grady and the party watching him; for as + the Dublin bailiffs never stopped till they got back to town, and were + never seen again in the country, it was most natural to suppose that the + devil had made a haul of <i>them</i> at the same time. In a few days + rumour added the spectral appearance of Jim Barlow to the tale, which only + deepened its mysterious horror; and though, after some time, the true + story was promulgated by those who knew the real state of the case, yet + the truth never gained ground, and was considered but a clever sham, + attempted by the family to prevent so dreadful a story from attaching to + their house; and tradition perpetuates to this hour the belief that <i>the + devil flew away with O'Grady.</i> + </p> + <p> + Lone and shunned as the hill was where the ruined house stood, it became + more lone and shunned than ever, and the boldest heart in the whole + country-side would quail to be in its vicinity, even in the day-time. To + such a pitch the panic rose, that an extensive farm which encircled it, + and belonged to the old usurer who made the seizure, fell into a + profitless state from the impossibility of men being found to work upon + it. It was useless even as pasture, for no one could be found to herd + cattle upon it; altogether it was a serious loss to the money-grubber; and + so far the incident of the burnt barn, and the tradition it gave rise to, + acted beneficially in making the inhuman act of warring with the dead + recoil upon the merciless old usurer. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0017" id="link2HCH0017"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXXVIII + </h2> + <p> + We left Andy in what may be called a delicate situation, and though Andy's + perceptions of the refined were not very acute, he himself began to wonder + how he should get out of the dilemma into which circumstances had thrown + him; and even to his dull comprehension various terminations to his + adventure suggested themselves, till he became quite confused in the chaos + which his own thoughts created. One good idea, however, Andy contrived to + lay hold of out of the bundle which perplexed him; he felt that to gain + time would be an advantage, and if evil must come of his adventure, the + longer he could keep it off the better; so he kept up his affectation of + timidity, and put in his sobs and lamentations, like so many commas and + colons, as it were, to prevent Bridget from arriving at her climax of + going to bed. + </p> + <p> + Bridget insisted bed was the finest thing in the world for a young woman + in distress of mind. + </p> + <p> + Andy protested he never could get a wink of sleep when his mind was + uneasy. Bridget promised the most sisterly tenderness. + </p> + <p> + Andy answered by a lament for his mother. + </p> + <p> + “Come to bed, I tell you,” said Bridget. + </p> + <p> + “Are the sheets aired?” sobbed Andy. + </p> + <p> + “What!” exclaimed Bridget, in amazement. + </p> + <p> + “If you are not sure of the sheets bein' aired,” said Andy, “I'd be afeard + of catchin' cowld.” + </p> + <p> + “Sheets, indeed!” said Bridget; “'faith, it's a dainty lady you are, if + you can't sleep without sheets.” + </p> + <p> + “What!” returned Andy, “no sheets?” + </p> + <p> + “Divil a sheet.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, mother, mother!” exclaimed Andy, “what would you say to your innocent + child being tuk away to a place where there was no sheets?” + </p> + <p> + “Well, I never heerd the like!” says Bridget. + </p> + <p> + “Oh, the villains! to bring me where I wouldn't have a bit o' clane linen + to lie in!” + </p> + <p> + “Sure, there's blankets, I tell you.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, don't talk to me!” roared Andy; “sure, you know, sheets is only + dacent.” + </p> + <p> + “Bother, girl! Isn't a snug woolly blanket a fine thing?” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, don't brake my heart that-a-way!” sobbed Andy; “sure, there's wool on + any dirty sheep's back, but linen is dacency! Oh, mother, mother, if you + thought your poor girl was without a sheet this night!” + </p> + <p> + And so Andy went on, spinning his bit of “linen manufacture” as long as he + could, and raising Bridget's wonder that, instead of the lament which + abducted ladies generally raise about their “vartue,” this young woman's + principal complaint arose on the scarcity of flax. Bridget appealed to + common sense if blankets were not good enough in these bad times; + insisting, moreover, that, as “love was warmer than friendship, so wool + was warmer than flax,” the beauty of which parallel case nevertheless + failed to reconcile the disconsolate abducted. Now Andy had pushed his + plea of the want of linen as far as he thought it would go, and when + Bridget returned to the charge, and reiterated the oft-repeated “Come to + bed, I tell you!” Andy had recourse to twiddling about his toes, and + chattering his teeth, and exclaimed in a tremulous voice, “Oh, I've a + thrimblin' all over me!” + </p> + <p> + “Loosen the sthrings o' you, then,” said Bridget, about to suit the action + to the word. “Ow! ow!” cried Andy, “don't touch me—I'm ticklish.” + </p> + <p> + “Then open the throat o' your gown yourself, dear,” said Bridget. + </p> + <p> + “I've a cowld on my chest, and darn't,” said Andy; “but I think a dhrop of + hot punch would do me good if I had it.” + </p> + <p> + “And plenty of it,” said Bridget, “if that'll plaze you.” She rose as she + spoke, and set about getting “the materials” for making punch. + </p> + <p> + Andy hoped, by means of this last idea, to drink Bridget into a state of + unconsciousness, and then make his escape; but he had no notion, until he + tried, what a capacity the gentle Bridget had for carrying tumblers of + punch steadily; he proceeded as cunningly as possible, and, on the score + of “the thrimblin' over him,” repeated the doses of punch, which, + nevertheless, he protested he couldn't touch, unless Bridget kept him in + countenance, glass for glass; and Bridget—genial soul—was no + way both; for living in a still, and among smugglers, as she did, it was + not a trifle of stingo could bring her to a halt. Andy, even with the + advantage of the stronger organisation of a man, found this mountain lass + nearly a match for him, and before the potations operated as he hoped upon + her, his own senses began to feel the influence of the liquor, and his + caution became considerably undermined. + </p> + <p> + Still, however, he resisted the repeated offers of the couch proposed to + him, declaring he would sleep in his clothes, and leave to Bridget the + full possession of her lair. + </p> + <p> + The fire began to burn low, and Andy thought he might facilitate his + escape by counterfeiting sleep; so feigning slumber as well as he could, + he seemed to sink into insensibility, and Bridget unrobed herself and + retired behind a rough screen. + </p> + <p> + It was by a great effort that Andy kept himself awake, for his potations, + added to his nocturnal excursion, tended towards somnolency; but the + desire of escape, and fear of a discovery and its consequences, prevailed + over the ordinary tendency of nature, and he remained awake, watching + every sound. The silence at last became painful—so still was it, + that he could hear the small crumbling sound of the dying embers as they + decomposed and shifted their position on the hearth, and yet he could not + be satisfied from the breathing of the woman that she slept. After the + lapse of half an hour, however, he ventured to make some movement. He had + well observed the quarter in which the outlet from the cave lay, and there + was still a faint glimmer from the fire to assist him in crawling towards + the trap. It was a relief when, after some minutes of cautious creeping, + he felt the fresh air breathing from above, and a moment or two more + brought him in contact with the ladder. With the stealth of a cat he began + to climb the rungs—he could hear the men snoring on the outside of + the cave: step by step as he arose he felt his heart beat faster at the + thought of escape, and became more cautious. At length his head emerged + from the cave, and he saw the men lying about its mouth; they lay close + around it—he must step over them to escape—the chance is + fearful, but he determines to attempt it—he ascends still higher—his + foot is on the last rung of the ladder—the next step puts him on the + heather—when he feels a hand lay hold of him from below! + </p> + <p> + His heart died within him at the touch, and he could not resist an + exclamation. + </p> + <p> + “Who's that?” exclaimed one of the men outside. Andy crouched. + </p> + <p> + “Come down,” said the voice softly from below; “if Jack sees you, it will + be worse for you.” + </p> + <p> + It was the voice of Bridget, and Andy felt it was better to be with her + than exposed to the savagery of Shan More and his myrmidons; so he + descended quietly, and gave himself up to the tight hold of Bridget, who, + with many asseverations that “out of her arms she would not let the + prisoner go till morning,” led him back to the cave. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0018" id="link2HCH0018"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXXIX + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + “Great wit to madness nearly is allied, + And thin partitions do the bounds divide.” + </pre> + <p> + So sings the poet; but whether the wit be great or little, the “thin + partition” separating madness from sanity is equally mysterious. It is + true that the excitability attendant upon genius approximates so closely + to madness, that it is sometimes difficult to distinguish between them; + but, without the attendant “genius” to hold up the train of madness, and + call for our special permission and respect in any of its fantastic + excursions, the most ordinary crack-brain sometimes chooses to sport in + the regions of sanity, and, without the license which genius is supposed + to dispense to her children, poach over the preserves of common sense. + This is a well-known fact, and would not be reiterated here, but that the + circumstances about to be recorded hereafter might seem unworthy of + belief; and as the veracity of our history we would not have for one + moment questioned, we have ventured to jog the memory of our readers as to + the close neighbourhood of madness and common sense, before we record a + curious instance of intermitting madness in the old dowager O'Grady. + </p> + <p> + Her son's death had, by the violence of the shock, dragged her from the + region of fiction in which she habitually existed; but after the funeral + she relapsed into all her strange aberration, and her bird-clock and her + chimney-pot head-dress were once more in requisition. + </p> + <p> + The old lady had her usual attendance from her granddaughter, and the + customary offering of flowers was rendered, but they were not so cared for + as before, and Charlotte was dismissed sooner than usual from her + morning's attendance, and a new favourite received in her place. And “of + all the birds in the air,” who should this favourite be but Master Ratty. + Yes!—Ratty—the caricaturist of his grandmamma, was, “for the + nonce,” her closeted companion. Many a guess was given as to “what in the + world” grandmamma <i>could</i> want with Ratty; but the secret was kept + between them, for this reason, that the old lady kept <i>the reward she + promised</i> Ratty for preserving it in her own hands, until the duty she + required on his part should be accomplished, and the shilling a day to + which Ratty looked forward kept him faithful. + </p> + <p> + Now the duty Master Ratty had to perform was instructing his grandmamma + how to handle a pistol; the bringing up quick to the mark, and levelling + by “the sight,” was explained; but a difficulty arose in the old lady's + shutting her left eye, which Ratty declared to be indispensable, and for + some time Ratty was obliged to stand on a chair and cover his grandmamma's + eye with his hand while she took aim; this was found inconvenient, + however, and the old lady substituted a black silk shade to obfuscate her + sinister luminary in her exercises, which now advanced to snapping the + lock, and knocking sparks from the flint, which made the old lady wink + with her right eye. When this second habit was overcome, the “dry” + practice, that is, without powder, was given up; and a “flash in the pan” + was ventured upon, but this made her shut both eyes together, and it was + some time before she could prevail on herself to hold her eye fixed on her + mark, and pull the trigger. This, however, at last was accomplished, and + when she had conquered the fear of seeing the flash, she adopted the plan + of standing before a handsome old-fashioned looking-glass which reached + from the ceiling to the floor, and levelling the pistol at her own + reflection within it, as if she were engaged in mortal combat; and every + time she snapped and burned priming she would exclaim, “I hit him that + time!—I know I can kill him—<i>tremble, villain</i>!” + </p> + <p> + As long as this pistol practice had the charm of novelty for Ratty, it was + all very well; but when, day by day, the strange mistakes and nervousness + of his grandmamma became less piquant from repetition, it was not such + good fun; and when the rantipole boy, after as much time as he wished to + devote to the old woman's caprice, endeavoured to emancipate himself and + was countermanded, an outburst of <i>“Oh, bother!”</i> would take place, + till the grandmother called up the prospective shillings to his view, and + Ratty bowed before the altar of Mammon. But even Mammon failed to keep + Ratty loyal; for that heathen god, Momus, claimed a superior allegiance; + Ratty worshipped the “cap and bells” as the true crown, and “the bauble” + as the sovereign sceptre. Besides, the secret became troublesome to him, + and he determined to let the whole house know what “gran” and he were + about, in a way of his own. + </p> + <p> + The young imp, in the next day's practice, worked up the grandmamma to a + state of great excitement, urging her to take a cool and determined aim at + the looking-glass. “Cover him well, gran,” said Ratty. + </p> + <p> + “I will,” said the dowager, resolutely. + </p> + <p> + “You ought to be able to hit him at six paces.” + </p> + <p> + “I stand at twelve paces.” + </p> + <p> + “No—you are only six from the looking-glass.” + </p> + <p> + “But the reflection, child, in the mirror, doubles the distance.” + </p> + <p> + “Bother!” said Ratty. “Here, take the pistol—mind your eye and don't + wink.” + </p> + <p> + “Ratty, you are singularly obtuse to the charms of science.” + </p> + <p> + “What's science?” said Ratty. + </p> + <p> + “Science, child, is knowledge of a lofty and abstruse nature, developing + itself in wonderful inventions—gunpowder, for instance, is made by + science.” + </p> + <p> + “Indeed it is not,” said Ratty; “I never saw his name on a canister. + Pigou, Andrew, and Wilks, or Mister Dartford Mills, are the men for + gunpowder. You know nothing about it, gran.” + </p> + <p> + “Ratty, you are disrespectful, and will not listen to instruction. I knew + Kirwan—the great Kirwan, the chemist, who always wore his hat—” + </p> + <p> + “Then he knew chemistry better than manners.” + </p> + <p> + “Ratty, you are very troublesome. I desire you listen, sir. Kirwan, sir, + told me all about science, and the Dublin Society have his picture, with a + bottle in his hand—” + </p> + <p> + “Then he was fond of drink,” said Ratty. + </p> + <p> + “Ratty, don't be pert. To come back to what I was originally saying—I + repeat, sir, I am at twelve paces from my object, six from the mirror, + which, doubled by reflection, makes twelve; such is the law of optics. I + suppose you know what optics are?” + </p> + <p> + “To be sure I do.” + </p> + <p> + “Tell me, then.” + </p> + <p> + “Our eyes,” said Ratty. + </p> + <p> + “Eyes!” exclaimed the old lady, in amaze. + </p> + <p> + “To be sure,” answered Ratty, boldly. “Didn't I hear the old blind man at + the fair asking charity 'for the loss of his blessed optics'?” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, what lamentable ignorance, my child!” exclaimed the old lady. “Your + tutor ought to be ashamed of himself.” + </p> + <p> + “So he is,” said Ratty. “He hasn't had a pair of new breeches for the last + seven years, and he hides himself whenever he sees mamma or the girls.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, you ignorant child! Indeed, Ratty, my love, you must study. I will + give you the renowned Kirwan's book. Charlotte tore some of it for curl + papers; but there's enough left to enlighten you with the sun's rays, and + reflection and refraction—” + </p> + <p> + “I know what <i>that</i> is,” said Ratty. + </p> + <p> + “What?” + </p> + <p> + “Refraction.” + </p> + <p> + “And what is it, dear?” + </p> + <p> + “Bad behaviour,” said Ratty. + </p> + <p> + “Oh, Heavens!” exclaimed his grandmother. + </p> + <p> + “Yes, it is,” said Ratty, stoutly; “the tutor says I'm refractory when I + behave ill; and he knows Latin better than you.” + </p> + <p> + “Ratty, Ratty! you are hopeless!” exclaimed his grandmamma. + </p> + <p> + “No, I am not,” said Ratty. “I'm always <i>hoping</i>. And I hope Uncle + Robert will break his neck some day, and leave us his money.” + </p> + <p> + The old woman turned up her eyes, and exclaimed, “You wicked boy!” + </p> + <p> + “Fudge!” said Ratty; “he's an old shaver, and we want it; and indeed, + gran, you ought to give me ten shillings for ten days' teaching, now; and + there's a fair next week, and I want to buy things.” + </p> + <p> + “Ratty, I told you when you made me perfect in the use of my weapon I + would pay you. My promise is sacred, and I will observe it with that + scrupulous honour which has ever been the characteristic of the family; as + soon as I hit something, and satisfy myself of my mastery over the weapon, + the money shall be yours, but not till then.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, very well,” said Ratty; “go on then. <i>Ready</i>—don't bring + up your arm that way, like the handle of a pump, but raise it nice from + the elbow—that's it. <i>Ready—fire!</i> Ah! there you blink + your eye, and drop the point of your pistol—try another. <i>Ready—fire!</i> + That's better. Now steady the next time.” + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0006" id="linkimage-0006"></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:80%"> + <img src="images/crack_shot.jpg" alt="A Crack Shot" width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + The young villain then put a charge of powder and ball into the pistol he + handed his grandmother, who took steady aim at her reflection in the + mirror, and at the words, <i>“Ready—fire!”</i> bang went the pistol—the + magnificent glass was smashed—the unexpected recoil of the weapon + made it drop from the hand of the dowager, who screamed with astonishment + at the report and the shock, and did not see for a moment the mischief she + had done; but when the shattered mirror caught her eyes, she made a rush + at Ratty, who was screeching with laughter in the far corner of the room + where he ran to when he had achieved his trick, and he was so helpless + from the excess of his cachinnation, that the old lady cuffed him without + his being able to defend himself. At last he contrived to get out of her + clutches and jammed her against the wall with a table so tightly, that she + roared “Murder!” The report of the pistol ringing through the house + brought all its inmates to the spot; and there the cries of murder from + the old lady led them to suppose some awful tragedy, instead of a comedy, + was enacting inside; the door was locked, too, which increased the alarm, + and was forced in the moment of terror from the outside. When the crowd + rushed in, Master Ratty rushed out, and left the astonished family to + gather up the bits of the story, as well as they could, from the broken + looking-glass and the cracked dowager. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0019" id="link2HCH0019"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XL + </h2> + <p> + Though it is clear the serious events in the O'Grady family had not + altered Master Ratty's propensities in the least, the case was far + different with Gustavus. In that one night of suffering which <i>he</i> + had passed, the gulf was leaped that divides the boy from the man; and the + extra frivolity and carelessness which clung from boyhood up to the age of + fifteen was at once, by the sudden disrupture produced by events, thrown + off, and as singular a ripening into manhood commenced. + </p> + <p> + Gustavus was of a generous nature; and even his faults belonged less to + his organisation than to the devil-may-care sort of education he received, + if education it might be called. Upon his generosity the conduct of Edward + O'Connor beside the grave of the boy's father had worked strongly; and + though Gustavus could not give his hand beside the grave to the man with + whom his father had engaged in deadly quarrel, yet he quite exonerated + Edward from any blame; and when, after a night more sleepless than + Gustavus had ever known, he rose early on the ensuing morning, he + determined to ride over to Edward O'Connor's house to breakfast, and + commence that friendship which Edward had so solemnly promised to him, and + with which the boy was pleased; for Gustavus was quite aware in what + estimation Edward was held; and though the relative circumstances in which + he and the late Squire stood prevented the boy from “caring a fig" for + him, as he often said himself, yet he was not beyond the influence of that + thing called “reputation,” which so powerfully attaches to and elevates + the man who wins it; and the price at which Edward was held in the country + influenced opinion even in Neck-or-Nothing Hall, albeit though “against + the grain.” Gustavus had sometimes heard, from the lips of the idle and + ignorant, Edward sneered at for being “cruel wise,” and “too much of a + schoolmaster,” and fit for nothing but books or a boudoir, and called a + “piano man,” with all the rest of the hackneyed dirt which jealous + inferiority loves to fling at the heights it cannot occupy; for though—as + it has been said—Edward, from his manly and sensible bearing, had + escaped such sneers better than most men, still some few there were to + whom his merit was offensive. Gustavus, however, though he sometimes heard + such things, saw with his own eyes that Edward could back a horse with any + man in the country—was always foremost in the chace—could + bring down as many brace of birds as most men in a day—had saved one + or two persons from drowning; and if he did all these things as well as + other men, Gustavus (though hitherto too idle to learn much himself) did + not see why a man should be sneered at for being an accomplished scholar + as well. Therefore he had good foundation for being pleased at the + proffered friendship of such a man, and remembering the poignancy of + Edward's anguish on the foregoing eve, Gustavus generously resolved to see + him at once and offer him the hand which a nice sense of feeling made him + withhold the night before. Mounting his pony, an hour's smart riding + brought him to Mount Eskar, for such was the name of Mr. O'Connor's + residence. + </p> + <p> + It was breakfast-time when Gustavus arrived, but Edward had not yet left + his room, and the servant went to call him. It need scarcely be said that + Edward had passed a wretched night; reaching home, as he did, weary in + mind and body, and with feelings and imagination both overwrought, it was + long before he could sleep; and even then his slumber was disturbed by + harassing visions and frightful images. Spectral shapes and things + unimaginable to the waking senses danced and crawled and hissed about him. + The torch flared above the grave, and that horrid coffin, with the name of + the dead O'Grady upon it, “murdered sleep.” It was dawn before anything + like refreshing slumber touched his feverish eyelids, and he had not + enjoyed more than a couple of hours of what might be called sleep, when + the servant called him; and then, after the brief oblivion he had + obtained, one may fancy how he started when the first words he heard on + waking were, “Mister O'Grady is below, sir.” + </p> + <p> + Edward started up from his bed and stared wildly on the man, as he + exclaimed, with a look of alarm, “O'Grady! For God's sake, you don't say + O'Grady?” + </p> + <p> + “'Tis Master Gustavus, sir,” said the man, wondering at the wildness of + Edward's manner. + </p> + <p> + “Oh, the boy!—ay, ay, the boy!” repeated Edward, drawing his hands + across his eyes and recovering his self-possession. “Say I will be down + presently.” + </p> + <p> + The man retired, and Edward lay down again for some minutes to calm the + heavy beating of his heart which the sudden mention of that name had + produced; that name so linked with the mental agony of the past night; + that name which had conjured up a waking horror of such might as to shake + the sway of reason for a time, and which afterwards pursued its reign of + terror through his sleep. After such a night, fancy poor Edward doomed to + hear the name of O'Grady again the first thing in the morning, and we + cannot wonder that he was startled. + </p> + <p> + A few minutes, however, served to restore his self-possession; and he + arose, made his toilet in haste, and descended to the breakfast-parlour, + where he was met by Gustavus with an open hand, which Edward clasped with + fervour and held for some time as he looked on the handsome face of the + boy, and saw in its frank expression all that his heart could desire. They + spoke not a word, but they understood one another; and that moment + commenced an attachment which increased with increasing intimacy, and + became one of those steadfast friendships which are seldom met with. + </p> + <p> + After breakfast Edward brought Gustavus to his “den,” as he called a room + which was appropriated to his own particular use, occupied with books and + a small collection of national relics. Some long ranges of that peculiar + calf binding, with its red label, declared at once the contents to be law + and by the dry formal cut of the exterior gave little invitation to + reading. The very outside of a law library is repulsive; the continuity of + that eternal buff leather gives one a surfeit by anticipation, and makes + one mentally exclaim in despair, “Heavens! how can any one hope to get all + that into his head?” The only plain honest thing about law is the outside + of the books where it is laid down—there all is simple; inside all + is complex. The interlacing lines of the binder's patterns find no place + on the covers; but intricacies abound inside, where any line is easier + found than a straight one. Nor gold leaf nor tool is employed without, but + within how many fallacies are enveloped in glozing words; the gold leaf + has its representative in “legal fiction;” and as for “<i>tooling</i>” + there's plenty of that! + </p> + <p> + Other books, also, bore external evidence of the nature of their contents. + Some old parchment covers indicated the lore of past ages; amidst these + the brightest names of Greece and Rome were to be found, as well as those + who have adorned our own literature, and implied a cultivated taste on the + part of the owner. But one portion of the library was particularly well + stored. The works bearing on Irish history were numerous, and this might + well account for the ardour of Edward's feelings in the cause of his + country; for it is as impossible that a river should run backwards to its + source, as that any Irishman of a generous nature can become acquainted + with the real history of his country, and not feel that she has been an + ill-used and neglected land, and not struggle in the cause of her being + righted. Much <i>has</i> been done in the cause since the days of which + this story treats, and Edward was amongst those who helped to achieve it; + but much has still to be done, and there is glorious work in store for + present and future Edward O'Connors. + </p> + <p> + Along with the books which spoke the cause of Ireland, the mute evidences, + also, of her former glory and civilisation were scattered through the + room. Various ornaments of elegant form, and wrought in the purest gold, + were tastefully arranged over the mantel-piece; some, from their form, + indicating their use, and others only affording matter of ingenious + speculation to the antiquary, but all bearing evidence of early + civilisation. The frontlet of gold indicated noble estate, and the long + and tapering bodkin of the same metal, with its richly enchased knob or + pendent crescent, implied the robe it once fastened could have been of no + mean texture, and the wearer of no mean rank. Weapons were there, too, of + elegant form and exquisite workmanship, wrought in that ancient bronze, of + such wondrous temper that it carries effective edge and point. The sword + was of exact Phoenician mould; the double-eyed spear-head, formed at once + for strength and lightness, might have served as the model for a sculptor + in arming the hand of Minerva. Could these be the work of an uncultivated + people? Impossible! The harp, too, was there, that unfailing mark of + polish and social elegance. The bard and barbarism could never be coeval. + But a relic was there, exciting still deeper interest—an ancient + crosier, of curious workmanship, wrought in the precious metals and partly + studded with jewels; but few of the latter remained, though the empty + collets showed it had once been costly in such ornaments. Could this be + seen without remembering that the light of Christianity first dawned over + the western isles <i>in Ireland?</i> that <i>there</i> the Gospel was + first preached, <i>there</i> the work of salvation begun? + </p> + <p> + There be cold hearts to which these touching recollections do not pertain, + and they heed them not; and some there are, who, with a callousness which + shocks sensibility, have the ignorant effrontery to ask, “Of what use are + such recollections?” With such frigid utilitarians it would be vain to + argue; but this question, at least, may be put in return:—Why should + the ancient glories of Greece and Rome form a large portion of the + academic studies of our youth?—why should the evidences of <i>their</i> + arts and <i>their</i> arms be held precious in museums, and similar + evidences of ancient cultivation be despised because they pertain to + another nation? Is it because they are Irish they are held in contempt? + Alas! in many cases it is so—ay, and even (shame to say) within her + own shores. But never may that day arrive when Ireland shall be without + enough of true and fond hearts to cherish the memory of her ancient + glories, to give to her future sons the evidences of her earliest western + civilisation, proving that their forefathers were not (as those say who + wronged and therefore would malign them) a rabble of rude barbarians, but + that brave kings, and proud princes, and wise lawgivers, and just judges, + and gallant chiefs, and chaste and lovely women were among them, and that + inspired bards were there to perpetuate such memories! + </p> + <p> + Gustavus had never before seen a crosier, and asked what it was. On being + informed of its name, he then said, “But what <i>is</i> a crosier?” + </p> + <p> + “A bishop's pastoral staff,” said Edward. + </p> + <p> + “And why have you a bishop's staff, and swords, and spears, hung up + together?” + </p> + <p> + “That is not inappropriate,” said Edward. “Unfortunately, the sword and + the crosier have been frequently but too intimate companions. Preaching + the word of peace has been too often the pretext for war. The Spaniards, + for instance, in the name of the gospel, committed the most fearful + atrocities.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, I know,” said Gustavus, “that was in the time of bloody Mary and the + Armada.” + </p> + <p> + Edward wondered at the boy's ignorance, and saw in an instant the source + of his false application of his allusion to the Spaniards. Gustavus had + been taught to vaguely couple the name of “bloody Mary” with everything + bad, and that of “good Queen Bess” with all that was glorious; and the + word “Spanish,” in poor Gusty's head, had been hitherto connected with two + ideas, namely, “liquorice” and the “Armada.” + </p> + <p> + Edward, without wounding the sensitive shame of ignorant youth, gently set + him right, and made him aware he had alluded to the conduct of the + Spaniards in America under Cortes and Pizarro. + </p> + <p> + For the first time in his life Gustavus was aware that Pizarro was a real + character. He had heard his grandmamma speak of a play of that name, and + how great Mr. Kemble was in Rollo, and how he saved a child; but as to its + belonging to history, it was a new light—the utmost Gusty knew about + America being that it was discovered by Columbus. + </p> + <p> + “But the crosier,” said Edward, “is amongst the most interesting of Irish + antiquities, and especially belongs to an Irish collection, when you + remember the earliest preaching of Christianity in the western isles was + in Ireland.” + </p> + <p> + “I did only know that,” said the boy. + </p> + <p> + “Then you don't know why the shamrock is our national emblem?” + </p> + <p> + “No,” said Gustavus, “though I take care to mount one in my hat every + Patrick's day.” + </p> + <p> + “Well,” said Edward, anxious to give Gustavus credit for <i>any</i> + knowledge he possessed, “you know at least it is connected with the memory + of St. Patrick, though you don't know why. I will tell you. When St. + Patrick first preached the Christian faith in Ireland, before a powerful + chief and his people, when he spoke of one God, and of the Trinity, the + chief asked how one could be in three. St. Patrick, instead of attempting + a theological definition of the faith, thought a simple image would best + serve to enlighten a simple people, and stooping to the earth he plucked + from the green sod a shamrock, and holding up the trefoil before them he + bade them there behold one in three. The chief, struck by the + illustration, asked at once to be baptised, and all his sept followed his + example.” + </p> + <p> + “I never heard that before,” said Gusty. “'T is very beautiful.” + </p> + <p> + “I will tell you something else connected with it,” said Edward. + </p> + <p> + “After baptising the chief, St. Patrick made an eloquent exhortation to + the assembled multitude, and in the course of his address, while enforcing + his urgent appeal with appropriate gesture, as the hand which held his + crosier, after being raised towards heaven, descended again towards the + earth, the point of his staff, armed with metal, was driven through the + foot of the chief, who, fancying it was part of the ceremony, and but a + necessary testing of the firmness of his faith, never winced.” + </p> + <p> + “He was a fine fellow,” said Gusty. “And is that the crosier?” he added, + alluding to the one in Edward's collection, and manifestly excited by what + he had heard. + </p> + <p> + “No,” said Edward, “but one of early date, and belonging to some of the + first preachers of the gospel amongst us.” + </p> + <p> + “And have you other things here with such beautiful stories belonging to + them?” inquired Gusty, eager for more of that romantic lore which youth + loves so passionately. + </p> + <p> + “Not that I know of,” answered Edward “but if these objects here had only + tongues, if every sword, and belt, and spear-head, and golden bodkin, and + other trinket could speak, no doubt we should hear stirring stories of + gallant warriors and their ladye-loves.” + </p> + <p> + “Aye, that would be something to hear!” exclaimed Gusty. + </p> + <p> + “Well,” said Edward, “you may have many <i>such</i> stories by reading the + history of your country; which if you have not read, I can lend you books + enough.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, thank you,” said Gusty; “I should like it so much.” + </p> + <p> + Edward approached the book-shelf and selected a volume he thought the most + likely to interest so little practised a reader; and when he turned round + he saw Gusty poising in his hand an antique Irish sword of bronze. + </p> + <p> + “Do you know what that is?” inquired Edward. + </p> + <p> + “I can't tell you the name of it,” answered Gusty, “but I suppose it was + <i>something to stick a fellow</i>.” + </p> + <p> + Edward smiled at the characteristic reply, and told him it was an antique + Irish sword. + </p> + <p> + “A sword?” he exclaimed. “Isn't it short for a sword?” + </p> + <p> + “All the swords of that day were short.” + </p> + <p> + “When was that?” inquired the boy. + </p> + <p> + “Somewhere about two thousand years ago.” + </p> + <p> + “Two thousand years,” exclaimed Gusty, in surprise. “How is it possible + you can tell this is two thousand years old?” + </p> + <p> + “Because it is made of the same metal and of the same shape as the swords + found at Cannae, where the Carthaginians fought the Romans.” + </p> + <p> + “I know the Roman history,” said Gusty, eager to display his little bit of + knowledge; “I know the Roman history. Romulus and Remus were educated by a + wolf.” Edward could not resist a smile, which he soon suppressed, and + continued:—“Such works as you now hold in your hand are found <i>in + quantities</i> in Ireland, and seldom anywhere else in Europe, except in + Italy, particularly at Cannae, where some thousands of Carthaginians fell; + and when we find the sword of the same make and metal in places so remote, + it establishes a strong connecting link between the people of Carthage and + of Ireland, and at once shows their date.” + </p> + <p> + “How curious that is!” exclaimed Gusty; “and how odd I never heard it + before! Are there many such curious things you know?” + </p> + <p> + “Many,” said Edward. + </p> + <p> + “I wonder how people can find out such odd things,” said the boy. + </p> + <p> + “My dear boy,” said Edward, “after getting a certain amount of knowledge, + other knowledge comes very fast; it gathers like a snowball—or + perhaps it would be better to illustrate the fact by a milldam. You know, + when the water is low in the milldam, the miller cannot drive his wheel; + but the moment the water comes up to a certain level it has force to work + the mill. And so it is with knowledge; when once you get it up to a + certain level, you can 'work your mill,' with this great advantage over + the milldam, that the stream of knowledge, once reaching the working + level, never runs dry.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, I wish I knew as much as you do,” exclaimed Gusty. + </p> + <p> + “And so you can if you wish it,” said Edward. + </p> + <p> + Gusty sighed heavily, and admitted he had been very idle. Edward told him + he had plenty of time before him to repair the damage. + </p> + <p> + A conversation then ensued, perfectly frank on the part of the boy, and + kind on Edward's side to all his deficiencies, which he found to be + lamentable, as far as learning went. He had some small smattering of + Latin; but Gustavus vowed steady attention to his tutor and his studies + for the future. Edward, knowing what a miserable scholar the tutor himself + was, offered to put Gustavus through his Latin and Greek himself. Gustavus + accepted the offer with gratitude, and rode over every day to Mount Eskar + for his lesson; and, under the intelligent explanations of Edward, the + difficulties which had hitherto discouraged him disappeared, and it was + surprising what progress he made. At the same time he devoured Irish + history, and became rapidly tinctured with that enthusiastic love of all + that belonged to his country which he found in his teacher; and Edward + soon hailed, in the ardent neophyte, a noble and intelligent spirit + redeemed from ignorance and rendered capable of higher enjoyments than + those to be derived merely from field sports. Edward, however, did not + confine his instructions to book-learning only; there is much to be + learned by living with the educated, whose current conversation alone is + instructive; and Edward had Gustavus with him as constantly as he could; + and after some time, when the frequency of Gusty's visits to Mount Eskar + ceased to excite any wonder at home, he sometimes spent several days + together with Edward, to whom he became continually more and more + attached. Edward showed great judgment in making his training attractive + to his pupil: he did not attend merely to his head; he thought of other + things as well; joined him in the sports and exercises he knew, and taught + him those in which he was uninstructed. Fencing, for instance, was one of + these; Edward was a tolerable master of his foil, and in a few months + Gustavus, under his tuition, could parry a thrust and make no bad attempt + at a hit himself. His improvement in every way was so remarkable, that it + was noticed by all, and its cause did not long remain secret; and when it + <i>was</i> known, Edward O'Connor's character stood higher than ever, and + the whole country said it was a lucky day for Gusty O'Grady that he found + such a friend. As the limits of our story would not permit the intercourse + between Edward and Gustavus to be treated in detail, this general sketch + of it has been given; and in stating its consequences so far, a peep into + the future has been granted by the author, with a benevolence seldom + belonging to his ill-natured and crafty tribe, who endeavour to hoodwink + their docile followers as much as possible, and keep them in a state of + ignorance as to coming events. But now, having been so indulgent, we must + beg to lay hold of the skirts of our readers and pull them back again down + the ladder into the private still, where Bridget pulled back Andy very + much after the same fashion, and the results of which we must treat of in + our next chapter. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0020" id="link2HCH0020"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XLI + </h2> + <p> + When Bridget dragged Andy back and insisted on his going to bed— + </p> + <p> + No—I will not be too good natured and tell my story in that way; + besides, it would be a very difficult matter to tell it; and why should an + author, merely to oblige people, get himself involved in a labyrinth of + difficulties, and rack his unfortunate brain to pick and choose words + properly to tell his story, yet at the same time to lead his readers + through the mazes of this very ticklish adventure, without a single thorn + scratching their delicate feelings, or as much as making the smallest rent + in the white muslin robe of propriety? So, not to run unnecessary risks, + the story must go on another way. + </p> + <p> + When Shan More and the rest of the “big blackguards” began to wake, the + morning after the abduction, and gave a turn or two under their heather + coverlid, and rubbed their eyes as the sun peeped through the “curtains of + the east”—for these were the only bed-curtains Shan More and his + companions ever had—they stretched themselves and yawned, and felt + very thirsty, for they had all been blind drunk the night before, be it + remembered; and Shan More, to use his own expressive and poetic imagery, + swore that his tongue was “as rough as a rat's back,” while his companions + went no further than saying theirs were as “dry as a lime-burner's wig.” + We should not be so particular in those minute details but for that desire + of truth which has guided us all through this veracious history and as in + this scene, in particular, we feel ourselves sure to be held seriously + responsible for every word, we are determined to be accurate to a nicety, + and set down every syllable with stenographic strictness. + </p> + <p> + “Where's the girl?” cried Shan, not yet sober. + </p> + <p> + “She's asleep with your sisther,” was the answer. + </p> + <p> + “Down-stairs?” inquired Shan. + </p> + <p> + “Yes,” said the other, who now knew that Big Jack was more drunk than he + at first thought him, by his using the words <i>stairs</i>; for Jack when + he was drunk was very grand, and called <i>down the ladder</i> “down-<i>stairs</i>.” + </p> + <p> + “Get me a drink o' wather,” said Jack, “for I'm thundherin' thirsty, and + can't deludher that girl with soft words till I wet my mouth.” + </p> + <p> + His attendant vagabond obeyed the order, and a large pitcher full of water + was handed to the master, who heaved it upwards to his head and drank as + audibly and nearly as much as a horse. Then holding his hands to receive + the remaining contents of the pitcher, which his followers poured into his + monstrous palms, he soused his face, which he afterwards wiped in a wisp + of grass—the only towel of Jack's which was not then at the wash. + </p> + <p> + Having thus made his toilet, Big Jack went downstairs, and as soon as his + great bull-head had disappeared beneath the trap, one of the men above + said, “We'll have a <i>shilloe</i> soon, boys.” + </p> + <p> + And sure enough they did before long hear an extraordinary row. Jack first + roared for Bridget, and no answer was returned; the call was repeated with + as little effect, and at last a most tremendous roar was heard above, but + not from a female voice. Jack was heard below, swearing like a trooper, + and, in a minute or two, back he rushed “<i>up-stairs</i>” and began + cursing his myrmidons most awfully, and foaming at the mouth with rage. + </p> + <p> + “What's the matther?” cried the men. + </p> + <p> + “Matther!” roared Jack; “oh, you 'tarnal villains! You're a purty set to + carry off a girl for a man—a purty job you've made of it!” + </p> + <p> + “Arrah, didn't we bring her to you?” + </p> + <p> + “<i>Her</i>, indeed—bring <i>her</i>—much good what you + brought is to me!” + </p> + <p> + “Tare an' ouns! what's the matther at all? We dunna what you mane!” + shouted the men, returning rage for rage. + </p> + <p> + “Come down, and you'll see what's the matther,” said Jack, descending the + ladder; and the men hastened after him. + </p> + <p> + He led the way to the further end of the cabin, where a small glimmering + of light was permitted to enter from the top, and lifting a tattered piece + of canvas, which served as a screen to the bed, he exclaimed, with a + curse, “Look there, you blackguards!” + </p> + <p> + The men gave a shout of surprise, for—what do you think they saw?—An + empty bed! + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0021" id="link2HCH0021"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XLII + </h2> + <p> + It may be remembered that, on Father Phil's recommendation, Andy was to be + removed out of the country to place him beyond the reach of Larry Hogan's + machinations, and that the proposed journey to London afforded a good + opportunity of taking him out of the way. Andy had been desired by Squire + Egan to repair to Merryvale; but as some days had elapsed and Andy had not + made his appearance, the alarms of the Squire that Andy might be tampered + with began to revive, and Dick Dawson was therefore requested to call at + the Widow Rooney's cabin as he was returning from the town, where some + business with Murphy, about the petition against Scatterbrain's return, + demanded his presence. + </p> + <p> + Dick, as it happened, had no need to call at the widow's, for on his way + to the town who should he see approaching but the renowned Andy himself. + On coming up to him, Dick pulled up his horse, and Andy pulled off his + hat. + </p> + <p> + “God save your honour,” said Andy. + </p> + <p> + “Why didn't you come to Merryvale, as you were bid?” said Dick. + </p> + <p> + “I couldn't, sir, becase—” + </p> + <p> + “Hold your tongue, you thief; you know you never can do what you're bid—you + are always wrong one way or other.” + </p> + <p> + “You're hard on me, Misther Dick.” + </p> + <p> + “Did you ever do anything right?—I ask yourself?” + </p> + <p> + “Indeed, sir, this time it was a rale bit o' business I had to do.” + </p> + <p> + “And well you did it, no doubt. Did you marry any one lately?” said Dick, + with a waggish grin and a wink. + </p> + <p> + “Faix, then, maybe I did,” said Andy, with a knowing nod. + </p> + <p> + “And I hope <i>Matty</i> is well?” said Dick. + </p> + <p> + “Ah, Misther Dick, you're always goin' on with your jokin', so you are. + So, you heerd o' that job, did you? Faix, a purty lady she is—oh, + it's not her at all I am married to, but another woman.” + </p> + <p> + “Another woman!” exclaimed Dick, in surprise. + </p> + <p> + “Yis, sir, another woman—a kind craythur.” + </p> + <p> + “Another woman!” reiterated Dick, laughing; “married to two women in two + days! Why you're worse than a Turk!” + </p> + <p> + “Ah, Misther Dick!” + </p> + <p> + “You Tarquin!” + </p> + <p> + “Sure, sir, what harm's in it?”' + </p> + <p> + “You Heliogabalus!!” + </p> + <p> + “Sure, it's no fault o' mine, sir.” + </p> + <p> + “Bigamy, by this and that, flat bigamy! You'll only be hanged, as sure as + your name's Andy.” + </p> + <p> + “Sure, let me tell you how it was, sir, and you'll see I am quit of all + harm, good or bad. 'T was a pack o' blackguards, you see, come to take off + Oonah, sir.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, a case of abduction!” + </p> + <p> + “Yis, sir; so the women dhressed me up as a girl, and the blackguards, + instead of the seduction of Oonah, only seduced me.” + </p> + <p> + “Capital!” cried Dick; “well done, Andy! And who seduced you?” + </p> + <p> + “Shan <i>More</i>, 'faith—no less.” + </p> + <p> + “Ho, ho! a dangerous customer to play tricks on, Andy.” + </p> + <p> + “Sure enough, 'faith, and that's partly the rayson of what happened; but, + by good luck, Big Jack was blind dhrunk when I got there, and I shammed + screechin' so well that his sisther took pity on me, and said she'd keep + me safe from harm in her own bed that night.” + </p> + <p> + Dick gave a “view hallo” when he heard this, and shouted with laughter, + delighted at the thought of Shan More, instead of carrying off a girl for + himself, introducing a gallant to his own sister. + </p> + <p> + “Oh, now I see how you are married,” said Dick; “that was the biter bit + indeed.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, the divil a bit I'd ha' bit her only for the cross luck with me, for + I wanted to schame off out o' the place, and escape; but she wouldn't let + me, and cotch me and brought me back.” + </p> + <p> + “I should think she would, indeed,” said Dick, laughing. “What next?” + </p> + <p> + “Why I drank a power o' punch, sir, and was off my guard, you see, and + couldn't keep the saycret so well afther that, and by dad she found it + out.” + </p> + <p> + “Just what I would expect of her,” said Dick. + </p> + <p> + “Well, do you know, sir, though the thrick was agen her own brother, she + laughed at it a power, and said I was a great divil, but that she couldn't + blame me. So then I'd sthruv to coax her to let me make my escape, but she + told me to wait a bit till the men above was faster asleep; but while I + was waitin' for them to go to sleep, faix, I went to asleep myself, I was + so tired; and when Bridget, the crathur, 'woke me in the morning, she was + cryin' like a spout afther a thunder-storm, and said her characther would + be ruined when the story got abroad over the counthry, and sure she darn't + face the world if I wouldn't make her an honest woman.” + </p> + <p> + “The brazen baggage!” said Dick; “and what did you say?” + </p> + <p> + “Why what could any man say, sir, afther that? Sure her karacther would be + gone if—” + </p> + <p> + “Gone,” said Dick, “'faith it might have gone further before it fared + worse.” + </p> + <p> + “Arrah! what do you mane, Misther Dick?” + </p> + <p> + “Pooh, pooh! Andy—you don't mean to say you married that one?” + </p> + <p> + “Faix, I did,” said Andy. + </p> + <p> + “Well, Andy,” said Dick, grinning, “by the powers, you <i>have</i> done it + this time! Good morning to you!” and Dick put spurs to his horse. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0022" id="link2HCH0022"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XLIII + </h2> + <p> + Andy, “knocked all of a heap,” stood in the middle of the road, looking + after Dick as he cantered down the slope. It was seldom poor Andy was + angry—but he felt a strong sense of indignation choking him as + Dick's parting words still rung in his ears. “What does he mane?” said + Andy, talking aloud; “what does he mane?” he repeated, anxious to doubt + and therefore question the obvious construction which Dick's words bore. + “Misther Dick is fond of a joke, and maybe this is one of his making; but + if it is, 't is not a fair one, 'pon my sowl: a poor man has his feelin's + as well as a rich man. How would you like your own wife to be spoke of + that way, Misther Dick, as proud as you ride your horse there—humph?” + </p> + <p> + Andy, in great indignation, pursued his way towards his mother's cabin to + ask her blessing upon his marriage. On his presenting himself there, both + the old woman and Oonah were in great delight at witnessing his safe + return; Oonah particularly, for she, feeling that it was for her sake Andy + placed himself in danger, had been in a state of great anxiety for the + result of the adventure, and, on seeing him, absolutely threw herself into + his arms, and embraced him tenderly, impressing many a hearty kiss upon + his lips, between whiles that she vowed she would never forget his + generosity and courage, and ending with saying there was <i>nothing</i> + she would not do for him. + </p> + <p> + Now Andy was flesh and blood like other people, and as the showers of + kisses from Oonah's ripe lips fell fast upon him he was not insensible to + the embrace of so very pretty a girl—a girl, moreover, he had always + had a “sneaking kindness” for, which Oonah's distance of manner alone had + hitherto made him keep to himself; but now, when he saw her eyes beam + gratitude, and her cheek flush, after her strong demonstration of regard, + and heard her last words, so <i>very</i> like a hint to a shy man, it must + be owned a sudden pang shot through poor Andy's heart, and he sickened at + the thought of being married, which placed the tempting prize before him + hopelessly beyond his reach. + </p> + <p> + He looked so blank, and seemed so unable to return Oonah's fond greeting, + that she felt the pique which every pretty woman experiences who fancies + her favours disregarded, and thought Andy the stupidest lout she ever came + across. Turning up her hair, which had fallen down in the excess of her + friendship, she walked out of the cottage, and, biting her disdainful lip, + fairly cried for spite. + </p> + <p> + In the meantime, Andy popped down on his knees before the widow, and said, + “Give me your blessing, mother!” + </p> + <p> + “For what, you omadhawn?” said his mother, fiercely; for her woman's + nature took part with Oonah's feelings, which she quite comprehended, and + she was vexed with what she thought Andy's disgusting insensibility. “For + what should I give you my blessing?” + </p> + <p> + “Bekase I'm marri'd, ma'am.” + </p> + <p> + “What!” exclaimed the mother. “It's not marri'd again you are? You're + jokin' sure.” + </p> + <p> + “Faix, it's no joke,” said Andy, sadly, “I'm marri'd sure enough; so give + us your blessin', anyhow,” cried he, still kneeling. + </p> + <p> + “And who did you <i>dar''</i> for to marry, sir, if I make so bowld to ax, + without <i>my</i> lave or license?” + </p> + <p> + “There was no time for axin', mother—'t was done in a hurry, and I + can't help it, so give us your blessing at once.” + </p> + <p> + “Tell me who is she, before I give you my blessin'?” + </p> + <p> + “<i>Shan More's</i> sister, ma'am.” + </p> + <p> + “What!” exclaimed the widow, staggering back some paces—“Shan More's + sisther, did you say—Bridget <i>rhua</i> [Footnote: Red-haired + Bridget.] is it?” + </p> + <p> + “Yis, ma'am.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, wirrasthru!—plillelew!—millia murther!” shouted the + mother, tearing her cap off her head,—“Oh blessed Vargin, holy St. + Dominick, Pether an' Paul the 'possel, what'll I do?—Oh, patther an' + ave—you dirty <i>bosthoon</i>—blessed angels and holy + marthyrs!—kneelin' there in the middle o' the flure as if nothing + happened—look down on me this day, a poor vartuous <i>dissolute</i> + woman!—Oh, you disgrace to me and all belonging to you,—and is + it the impidence to ask my blessin' you have, when it's a whippin' at the + cart's tail you ought to get, you shameless scapegrace?” + </p> + <p> + She then went wringing her hands, and throwing them upwards in appeals to + Heaven, while Andy still kept kneeling in the middle of the cabin, lost in + wonder. + </p> + <p> + The widow ran to the door and called Oonah in. + </p> + <p> + “Who do you think that blackguard is marri'd to?” said the widow. + </p> + <p> + “Married!” exclaimed Oonah, growing pale. + </p> + <p> + “Ay, marri'd, and who to, do you think?—Why to Bridget <i>rhua</i>.” + </p> + <p> + Oonah screamed and clasped her hands. + </p> + <p> + Andy got up at last, and asked what they were making such a rout about; he + wasn't the first man who married without asking his mother's leave; and + wanted to know what they had to “say agen it.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, you barefaced scandal o' the world!” cried the widow, “to ax sitch a + question—to marry a thrampin' sthreel like that—a great + red-headed jack—” + </p> + <p> + “She can't help her hair,” said Andy. + </p> + <p> + “I wish I could cut it off, and her head along with it, the sthrap! Oh, + blessed Vargin! to have my daughter-in-law—” + </p> + <p> + “What?” said Andy, getting rather alarmed. + </p> + <p> + “That all the country knows is—” + </p> + <p> + “What?” cried Andy. + </p> + <p> + “Not a fair nor a market-town doesn't know her as well as—Oh, wirra! + wirra!” + </p> + <p> + “Why you don't mane to say anything agen her charackther, do you?” said + Andy. + </p> + <p> + “Charakther, indeed!” said his mother, with a sneer. + </p> + <p> + “By this an' that,” said Andy, “if she was the child unborn she couldn't + make a greater hullabaloo about her charakther than she did the mornin' + afther.” + </p> + <p> + “Afther what?” said his mother. + </p> + <p> + “Afther I was tuk away up to the hill beyant, and found her there, and—but + I b'lieve I didn't tell you how it happened.” + </p> + <p> + “No,” said Oonah, coming forward, deadly pale, and listening anxiously, + with a look of deep pity in her soft eyes. + </p> + <p> + Andy then related his adventure as the reader already knows it; and when + it was ended, Oonah burst into tears and in passionate exclamations blamed + herself for all that had happened, saying it was in the endeavour to save + her that Andy had lost himself. + </p> + <p> + “Oh, Oonah! Oonah!” said Andy, with more meaning in his voice than the + girl had ever heard before, “it isn't the loss of myself I mind, but I've + lost <i>you</i> too. Oh, if you had ever given me a tendher word or look + before this day, 't would never have happened, and that desaiver in the + hills never could have <i>deludhered me</i>. And tell me, <i>lanna machree</i>, + is my suspicions right in what I hear—tell me the worst at oncet—is + she <i>non compos</i>?” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, I never heerd her called by that name before,” sobbed Oonah, “but she + has a great many others just as bad.” + </p> + <p> + “Ow! ow! ow!” exclaimed Andy. “Now I know what Misther Dick laughed at; + well, death before dishonour—I'll go 'list for a sojer, and never + live with her!” + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0023" id="link2HCH0023"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XLIV + </h2> + <p> + It has been necessary in an earlier chapter to notice the strange freaks + madness will sometimes play. It was then the object to show how strong + affections of the mind will recall an erring judgment to its true balance; + but, the action of the counterpoise growing weaker by time, the disease + returns, and reason again kicks the beam. Such was the old dowager's case: + the death of her son recalled her to herself; but a few days produced + relapse, and she was as foolish as ever. Nevertheless, as Polonius remarks + of Hamlet, + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + “There is method in his madness;” + </pre> + <p> + so in the dowager's case there was method—not of a sane intention, + as the old courtier implies of the Danish Prince, but of <i>in</i>sane + birth—begot of a chivalrous feeling on an enfeebled mind. + </p> + <p> + To make this clearly understood it is necessary to call attention to one + other peculiarity of madness,—that, while it makes those under its + influence liable to say and enact all sorts of nonsense on some subjects, + it never impairs their powers of observation on those which chance to come + within the reach of the un-diseased portion of the mind; and moreover, + they are quite as capable of arriving at just conclusions upon what they + <i>so</i> see and hear, as the most reasonable person, and, perhaps, in + proportion as the reasoning power is limited within a smaller compass, so + the capability of observation becomes stronger by being concentrated. + </p> + <p> + Such was the case with the old dowager, who, while Furlong was “doing + devotion” to Augusta, and appeared the pink of faithful swains, saw very + clearly that Furlong did not like it a bit, and would gladly be off his + bargain. Yea, while the people in their sober senses on the same plane + with the parties were taken in, the old lunatic, even from the toppling + height of her own mad chimney-pot, could look down and see that Furlong + would not marry Augusta if he could help it. + </p> + <p> + It <i>was</i> even so. Furlong had acted under the influence of terror + when poor Augusta, shoved into his bedroom through the devilment of that + rascally imp, Ratty, and found there, through the evil destiny of Andy, + was flung into his arms by her enraged father, and accepted as his wife. + The immediate hurry of the election had delayed the marriage—the + duel and its consequences further interrupted “the happy event”—and + O'Grady's death caused a further postponement. It was delicately hinted to + Furlong, that when matters had gone so far as to the wedding-dresses being + ready, that the sooner the contracting parties under such circumstances + were married, the better. But Furlong, with that affectation of propriety + which belongs to his time-serving tribe, pleaded the “regard to + appearances”—“so soon after the ever-to-be-deplored event,”—and + other such specious excuses, which were but covers to his own rascality, + and used but to postpone the “wedding-day.” The truth was, the moment + Furlong had no longer the terrors of O'Grady's pistol before his eyes, he + had resolved never to take so bad a match as that with Augusta appeared to + be—indeed was, as far as regarded money; though Furlong should only + have been too glad to be permitted to mix his plebeian blood with the + daughter of a man of high family, whose crippled circumstances and + consequent truckling conduct had reduced him to the wretched necessity of + making <i>such a cur</i> as Furlong the inmate of his house. But so it + was. + </p> + <p> + The family began at last to suspect the real state of the case, and all + were surprised except the old dowager; she had expected what was coming, + and had prepared herself for it. All her pistol practice was with a view + to call Furlong to the “last arbitrament” for this slight to her house. + Gusty was too young, she considered, for the duty; therefore she, in her + fantastic way of looking at the matter, looked upon <i>herself</i> as the + head of the family, and, as such, determined to resent the affront put + upon it. + </p> + <p> + But of her real design the family at Neck-or-Nothing Hall had not the + remotest notion. Of course, an old lady going about with a pistol, + powder-flask, and bullets, and practising on the trunks of the trees in + the park, could not pass without observation, and surmises there were on + the subject; then her occasional exclamation of “Tremble, villain!” would + escape her; and sometimes in the family circle, after sitting for a while + in a state of abstraction, she would lift her attenuated hand armed with a + knitting-needle or a ball of worsted, and assuming the action of poising a + pistol, execute a smart <i>click</i> with her tongue, and say, “I hit him + that time.” + </p> + <p> + These exclamations, indicative of vengeance, were supposed at length by + the family to apply to Edward O'Connor, but excited pity rather than + alarm. When, however, one morning, the dowager was nowhere to be found, + and Ratty and the pistols had also disappeared, an inquiry was instituted + as to the old lady's whereabouts, and Mount Eskar was one of the first + places where she was sought, but without success; and all other inquiries + were equally unavailing. + </p> + <p> + The old lady had contrived, with that cunning peculiar to insane people, + to get away from the house at an early hour in the morning, unknown to all + except Ratty, to whom she confided her intention, and he managed to get + her out of the domain unobserved, and thence together they proceeded to + Dublin in a post-chaise. It was the day after this secret expedition was + undertaken that Mr. Furlong was sitting in his private apartment at the + Castle, doing “the state some service” by reading the morning papers, + which heavy official duty he relieved occasionally by turning to some + scented notes which lay near a morocco writing-case, whence they had been + drawn by the lisping dandy to flatter his vanity. He had been carrying on + a correspondence with an anonymous fair one, in whose heart, if her words + might be believed, Furlong had made desperate havoc. + </p> + <p> + It happened, however, that these notes were all fictitious, being the work + of Tom Loftus, who enjoyed playing on a puppy as much as playing on the + organ; and he had the satisfaction of seeing Furlong going through his + paces in certain squares he had appointed, wearing a flower of Tom's + choice and going through other antics which Tom had demanded under the + signature of “Phillis,” written in a delicate hand on pink satin + note-paper with a lace border; one of the last notes suggested the + possibility of a visit from the lady, and, after assurances of “secrecy + and honour” had been returned by Furlong, he was anxiously expecting “what + would become of it;” and filled with pleasing reflections of what “a devil + of a fellow” he was among the ladies, he occasionally paced the room + before a handsome dressing-glass (with which his apartment was always + furnished), and ran his fingers through his curls with a complacent smile. + While thus occupied, and in such a frame of mind, the hall messenger + entered the apartment, and said a lady wished to see him. + </p> + <p> + “A lady!” exclaimed Furlong, in delighted surprise. + </p> + <p> + “She won't give her name, sir, but—” + </p> + <p> + “Show her up! show her up!” exclaimed the Lothario, eagerly. + </p> + <p> + All anxiety, he awaited the appearance of his donna; and quite a donna she + seemed, as a commanding figure, dressed in black, and enveloped in a rich + veil of the same, glided into the room. + </p> + <p> + “How vewy Spanish!” exclaimed Furlong, as he advanced to meet his + incognita, who, as soon as she entered, locked the door, and withdrew the + key. + </p> + <p> + “Quite pwactised in such secwet affairs,” said Furlong slily. “Fai' lady, + allow me to touch you' fai' hand, and lead you to a seat.” + </p> + <p> + The mysterious stranger made no answer; but lifting her long veil, turned + round on the lisping dandy, who staggered back, when the dowager O'Grady + appeared before him, drawn up to her full height, and anything but an + agreeable expression in her eye. She stalked up towards him, something in + the style of a spectre in a romance, which she was not very unlike; and as + she advanced, he retreated, until he got the table between him and this + most unwelcome apparition. + </p> + <p> + “I am come,” said the dowager, with an ominous tone of voice. + </p> + <p> + “Vewy happy of the hono', I am sure, Mistwess O'Gwady,” faltered Furlong. + </p> + <p> + “The avenger has come.” Furlong opened his eyes. “I have come to wash the + stain!” said she, tapping her fingers in a theatrical manner on the table, + and, as it happened, she pointed to a large blotch of ink on the + table-cover. Furlong opened his eyes wider than ever, and thought this the + queerest bit of madness he ever heard of; however, thinking it best to + humour her, he answered, “Yes, it was a little awkwa'dness of mine—I + upset the inkstand the othe' day.” + </p> + <p> + “Do you mock me, sir?” said she, with increasing bitterness. + </p> + <p> + “La, no! Mistwess O'Gwady.” + </p> + <p> + “I have come, I say, to wash out in your blood the stain you have dared to + put on the name of O'Grady.” + </p> + <p> + Furlong gasped with mingled amazement and fear. + </p> + <p> + “Tremble, villain!” she said; and she pointed toward him her long + attenuated finger with portentous solemnity. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0007" id="linkimage-0007"></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:80%"> + <img src="images/challenge.jpg" alt="The Challenge" width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + “I weally am quite at a loss, Mistwess O'Gwady, to compwehend—” + </p> + <p> + Before he could finish his sentence, the dowager had drawn from the depths + of her side-pockets a brace of pistols, and presenting them to Furlong, + said, “Be at a loss no longer, except the loss of life which may ensue: + take your choice of weapons, sir.” + </p> + <p> + “Gwacious Heaven!” exclaimed Furlong, trembling from head to foot. + </p> + <p> + “You won't choose, then?” said the dowager. “Well, there's one for you;” + and she laid a pistol before him with as courteous a manner as if she were + making him a birthday present. + </p> + <p> + Furlong stared down upon it with a look of horror. + </p> + <p> + “Now we must toss for choice of ground,” said the dowager. “I have no + money about me, for I paid my last half-crown to the post-boy, but this + will do as well for a toss as anything else;” and she laid her hands on + the dressing-glass as she spoke. “Now the call shall be 'safe,' or + 'smash;' whoever calls 'safe,' if the glass comes down unbroken, has the + choice, and <i>vice versâ</i>. I call first—'<i>Smash</i>,'” said + the dowager, as she flung up the dressing-glass, which fell in shivers on + the floor. “I have won,” said she; “oblige me, sir, by standing in that + far corner. I have the light in my back—and you will have something + else in yours before long; take your ground, sir.” + </p> + <p> + Furlong, finding himself thus cooped up with a mad woman, in an agony of + terror suddenly bethought himself of instances he had heard of escape, + under similar circumstances, by coinciding to a certain extent with the + views of the insane people, and suggested to the dowager that he hoped she + would not insist on a duel without their having a “friend” present. + </p> + <p> + “I beg your pardon, sir,” said the old lady: “I quite forgot that form, in + the excitement of the moment, though I have not overlooked the necessity + altogether, and have come provided with one.” + </p> + <p> + “Allow me to wing for him,” said Furlong, rushing to the bell. + </p> + <p> + “Stop!” exclaimed the dowager, levelling her pistol at the bell-pull; + “touch it, and you are a dead man!” + </p> + <p> + Furlong stood riveted to the spot where his rush had been arrested. + </p> + <p> + “No interruption, sir, till this little affair is settled. Here is my + friend,” she added, putting her hand into her pocket and pulling out the + wooden cuckoo of her clock. “My little bird, sir, will see fair between + us;” and she perched the painted wooden thing, with a bit of feather + grotesquely sticking up out of its nether end, on the morocco letter-case. + </p> + <p> + “Oh, Lord!” said Furlong. + </p> + <p> + “He's a gentleman of the nicest honour, sir!” said the dowager, pacing + back to the window. + </p> + <p> + Furlong took advantage of the opportunity of her back being turned, and + rushed at the bell, which he pulled with great fury. + </p> + <p> + The dowager wheeled round with haste. “So you have rung,” said she, “but + it shall not avail you—the door is locked; take your weapon, sir,—quick!—what!—a + coward!” + </p> + <p> + “Weally, Mistwess O'Gwady, I cannot think of deadly arbitrament with a + lady.” + </p> + <p> + “Less would you like it with a man, <i>poltroon</i>!” said she, with an + exaggerated expression of contempt in her manner. “However,” she added, + “if you <i>are</i> a coward, you shall have a coward's punishment.” She + went to a corner where stood a great variety of handsome canes, and laying + hold of one, began soundly to thrash Furlong, who feared to make any + resistance or attempt to disarm her of the cane, for the pistol was yet in + her other hand. + </p> + <p> + The bell was answered by the servant, who, on finding the door locked, and + hearing the row inside, began to knock and inquire loudly what was the + matter. The question was more loudly answered by Furlong, who roared out, + “Bweak the door! bweak the door!” interlarding his directions with cries + of “mu'der!” + </p> + <p> + The door at length was forced, Furlong rescued, and the old lady separated + from him. She became perfectly calm the moment other persons appeared, and + was replacing the pistols in her pocket, when Furlong requested the + “dweadful weapons” might be seized. The old lady gave up the pistols very + quietly, but laid hold of her bird and put it back into her pocket. + </p> + <p> + “This is a dweadful violation!” said Furlong, “and my life is not safe + unless she is bound ove' to keep the peace.” + </p> + <p> + “Pooh! pooh!” said one of the gentlemen from the adjacent office, who came + to the scene on hearing the uproar, “binding over an old lady to keep the + peace—nonsense!” + </p> + <p> + “I insist upon it,” said Furlong, with that stubbornness for which fools + are so remarkable. + </p> + <p> + “Oh—very well!” said the sensible gentleman, who left the room. + </p> + <p> + A party, pursuant to Furlong's determination, proceeded to the head + police-office close by the Castle, and a large mob gathered as they went + down Cork-hill and followed them to Exchange-court, where they crowded + before them in front of the office, so that it was with difficulty the + principals could make their way through the dense mass. + </p> + <p> + At length, however, they entered the office; and when Major Sir heard any + gentleman attached to the Government wanted his assistance, of course he + put any other case aside, and had the accuser and accused called up before + him. + </p> + <p> + Furlong made his charge of assault and battery, with intent to murder, + &c., &c. “Some mad old rebel, I suppose,” said Major Sir. “Do you + remember '98, ma'am?” said the major. + </p> + <p> + “Indeed I do, sir—and I remember <i>you</i> too: Major Sir I have + the honour to address, if I don't mistake.” + </p> + <p> + “Yes, ma'am. What then?” + </p> + <p> + “I remember well in '98 when you were searching for rebels, you thought a + man was concealed in a dairy-yard in the neighbourhood of my mother's + house, major, in Stephen's Green; and you thought he was hid in a + hay-rick, and ordered your sergeant to ask for the loan of a spit from my + mother's kitchen to probe the haystack.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh! then, madam, your mother was <i>loyal</i>, I suppose.” + </p> + <p> + “Most loyal, sir.” + </p> + <p> + “Give the lady a chair,” said the major. + </p> + <p> + “Thank you, I don't want it—but, major, when you asked for the spit, + my mother thought you were going to practise one of your delightfully + ingenious bits of punishment, and asked the sergeant <i>who it was you + were going to roast</i>?” + </p> + <p> + The major grew livid on the bench where he sat, at this awkward + reminiscence of one of his friends, and a dead silence reigned through the + crowded office. He recovered himself, however, and addressed Mrs. O'Grady + in a mumbling manner, telling her she must give security to keep the + peace, herself—and find friends as sureties. On asking her had she + any friends to appear for her, she declared she had. + </p> + <p> + “A gentleman of the nicest honour, sir,” said the dowager, pulling her + cuckoo from her pocket, and holding it up in view of the whole office. + </p> + <p> + A shout of laughter, of course, followed. The affair became at once + understood in its true light; a mad old lady—a paltry coward—&c., + &c. Those who know the excitability and fun of an Irish mob will not + wonder that, when the story got circulated from the office to the crowd + without, which it did with lightning rapidity, the old lady, on being + placed in a hackney-coach which was sent for, was hailed with a chorus of + “Cuckoo!” by the multitude, one half of which ran after the coach as long + as they could keep pace with it, shouting forth the spring-time call, and + the other half followed Furlong to the Castle, with hisses and other more + articulate demonstrations of their contempt. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0024" id="link2HCH0024"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XLV + </h2> + <p> + The fat and fair Widow Flanagan had, at length, given up shilly-shallying, + and yielding to the fervent entreaties of Tom Durfy, had consented to name + the happy day. She <i>would</i> have some little ways of her own about it, + however, and instead of being married in the country, insisted on the + nuptial knot being tied in Dublin. Thither the widow repaired with her + swain to complete the stipulated time of residence within some + metropolitan parish before the wedding could take place. In the meanwhile + they enjoyed all the gaiety the capital presented, the time glided swiftly + by, and Tom was within a day of being made a happy man, when, as he was + hastening to the lodgings of the fair widow, who was waiting with her + bonnet and shawl on to be escorted to the botanical gardens at Glasnevin, + he was accosted by an odd-looking person of somewhat sinister aspect. + </p> + <p> + “I believe I have the honour of addressing Mister Durfy, sir?” Tom + answered in the affirmative. “<i>Thomas</i> Durfy, Esquire, I think, sir?” + </p> + <p> + “Yes.” + </p> + <p> + “This is for you, sir,” he said, handing Tom a piece of dirty printed + paper, and at the same time laying his hand on Tom's shoulder and + executing a smirking sort of grin, which he meant to be the pattern of + politeness, added, “You'll excuse me, sir, but I arrest you under a + warrant from the High Sheriff of the city of Dublin; always sorry, sir, + for a gintleman in defficulties, but it's my duty.” + </p> + <p> + “You're a bailiff, then?” said Tom. + </p> + <p> + “Sir,” said the bum, + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + “'Honour and shame from no condition rise; + Act well your part—there all the honour lies.'” + </pre> + <p> + “I meant no offence,” said Tom. “I only meant—” + </p> + <p> + “I understand, sir—I understand. These little defficulties startles + gintlemen at first—you've not been used to arrest, I see, sir?” + </p> + <p> + “Never in my life did such a thing happen before,” said Tom. “I live + generally, thank God, where a bailiff daren't show his face.” + </p> + <p> + “Ah, sir,” said the bailiff with a grin, “them rustic habits betrays the + children o' nature often when they come to town; but we are <i>so + fisticated</i> here in the metropolis, that we lay our hands on strangers + aisy. But you'd better not stand in the street, sir, or people will + understand it's an arrest, sir; and I suppose you wouldn't like the + exposure. I can simperise in a gintle-man's feelings, sir. If you walk + aisy on, sir, and don't attempt to escape or rescue, I'll keep a + gentlemanlike distance.” + </p> + <p> + Tom walked on in great perplexity for a few steps, not knowing what to do. + The hour of his rendezvous had struck; he knew how impatient of neglect + the widow always was; he at one moment thought of asking the bailiff to + allow him to proceed to her lodgings at once, there boldly to avow what + had taken place and ask her to discharge the debt; but this his pride + would not allow him to do. As he came to the corner of a street, he got a + tap on the elbow from the bailiff, who, with a jerking motion of his thumb + and a wink, said in a confidential tone to Tom, “Down this street, sir—that's + the way to the <i>pres'n</i> (prison).” + </p> + <p> + “Prison!” exclaimed Tom, halting involuntarily at the word. + </p> + <p> + “Shove on, sir—shove on!” hastily repeated the sheriff's officer, + urging his orders by a nudge or two on Tom's elbow. + </p> + <p> + “Don't shove me, sir!” said Tom, rather angrily, “or by G—” + </p> + <p> + “Aisy, sir—aisy!” said the bailiff; “though I feel for the + defficulties of a gintleman, the caption must be made, sir. If you don't + like the pris'n, I have a nice little room o' my own, sir, where you can + wait, for a small consideration, until you get bail.” + </p> + <p> + “I'll go there, then,” said Tom. “Go through as private streets as you + can.” + </p> + <p> + “Give me half-a-guinea for my trouble, sir, and I'll ambulate you through + lanes every <i>fut</i> o' the way.” + </p> + <p> + “Very well,” said Tom. + </p> + <p> + They now struck into a shabby street, and thence wended through stable + lanes, filthy alleys, up greasy broken steps, through one close, and down + steps in another—threaded dark passages whose debouchures were + blocked up with posts to prevent vehicular conveyance, the accumulated + dirt of years sensible to the tread from its lumpy unevenness, and the + stagnant air rife with pestilence. Tom felt increasing disgust at every + step he proceeded, but anything to him appeared better than being seen in + the public streets in such company; for, until they got into these + labyrinths of nastiness, Tom thought he saw in the looks of every + passer-by, as plainly told as if the words were spoken, “There goes a + fellow under the care of the bailiff.” In these by-ways, he had not any + objection to speak to his companion, and for the first time asked him what + he was arrested for. + </p> + <p> + “At the suit of Mr. M'Kail, sir.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh! the tailor?” said Tom. + </p> + <p> + “Yes, sir,” said the bailiff. “And if you would not consider it trifling + with the feelings of a gintleman in defficulties, I would make the playful + observation, sir, that it's quite in character to be arrested at the <i>suit</i> + of a tailor. He! he! he!” + </p> + <p> + “You're a wag, I see,” said Tom. + </p> + <p> + “Oh no, sir, only a poetic turn: a small affection I have certainly for + Judy Mot, but my rale passion is the muses. We are not far now, sir, from + my little bower of repose—which is the name I give my humble abode—small, + but snug, sir. You'll see another gintleman there, sir, before you. He is + waitin' for bail these three or four days, sir—can't pay as he ought + for the 'commodation, but he's a friend o' mine, I may almost say, sir—a + litherary gintleman—them litherary gintlemen is always in + defficulties mostly. I suppose you're a litherary gintleman, sir—though + you're rather ginteely dhressed for one?” + </p> + <p> + “No,” said Tom, “I am not.” + </p> + <p> + “I thought you wor, sir, by being acquainted with this other gintleman.” + </p> + <p> + “An acquaintance of mine!” said Tom, with surprise. + </p> + <p> + “Yes, sir. In short it was through him I found out where you wor, sir. I + have had the wret agen you for some time, but couldn't make you off, till + my friend says I must carry a note from him to you.” + </p> + <p> + “Where is the note?” inquired Tom. + </p> + <p> + “Not ready yet, sir. It's po'thry he's writin'—something 'pithy' he + said, and 'lame' too. I dunna how a thing could be pithy and lame + together, but them potes has hard words at command.” + </p> + <p> + “Then you came away without the note?” + </p> + <p> + “Yis, sir. As soon as I found out where you wor stopping I ran off + directly on Mr. M'Kail's little business. You'll excuse the liberty, sir; + but we must all mind our professions; though, indeed, sir, if you b'lieve + me, I'd rather nab a rhyme than a gintleman any day; and if I could get on + the press I'd quit the shoulder-tapping profession.” + </p> + <p> + Tom cast an eye of wonder on the bailiff, which the latter comprehended at + once; for with habitual nimbleness he could nab a man's thoughts as fast + as his person. “I know what you're thinkin', sir—could one of my + profession pursue the muses? Don't think, sir, I mane I could write the + 'laders' or the pollitik'l articles, but the criminal cases, sir—the + robberies and offinces—with the watchhouse cases—together with + a little po'thry now and then. I think I could be useful, sir, and do + better than some of the chaps that pick up their ha'pence that way. But + here's my place, sir—my little bower of repose.” + </p> + <p> + He knocked at the door of a small tumble-down house in a filthy lane, the + one window it presented in front being barred with iron. Some bolts were + drawn inside, and though the man who opened the door was forbidding in his + aspect, he did not refuse to let Tom in. The portal was hastily closed and + bolted after they had entered. The smell of the house was pestilential—the + entry dead dark. + </p> + <p> + “Give me your hand, sir,” said the bailiff, leading Tom forward. They + ascended some creaking stairs, and the bailiff, fumbling for some time + with a key at a door, unlocked it and shoved it open, and then led in his + captive. Tom saw a shabby-genteel sort of person, whose back was towards + him, directing a letter. + </p> + <p> + “Ah, Goggins!” said the writer, “you're come back in the nick of time. I + have finished now, and you may take the letter to Mister Durfy.” + </p> + <p> + “You may give it to him yourself, sir,” replied Goggins, “for here he is.” + </p> + <p> + “Indeed!” said the writer, turning round. + </p> + <p> + “What!” exclaimed Tom Durfy, in surprise; “James Reddy!” + </p> + <p> + “Even so,” said James, with a sentimental air: + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + “'The paths of glory lead but to the grave.' +</pre> + <p> + Literature is a bad trade, my dear Tom!—'tis an ungrateful world—men + of the highest aspirations may lie in gaol for all the world cares; not + that you come within the pale of the worthless ones; this is good-natured + of you to come and see a friend in trouble. You deserve, my dear Tom, that + you should have been uppermost in my thoughts; for here is a note I have + just written to you, enclosing a copy of verses to you on your marriage—in + short, it is an epithalamium.” + </p> + <p> + “That's what I told you, sir,” said Goggins to Tom. + </p> + <p> + “May the divil burn you and your epithalamium!” said Tom Durfy, stamping + round the little room. + </p> + <p> + James Reddy stared in wonder, and Goggins roared, laughing. + </p> + <p> + “A pretty compliment you've paid me, Mister Reddy, this fine morning,” + said Tom; “you tell a bailiff where I live, that you may send your + infernal verses to me, and you get me arrested.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, murder!” exclaimed James. “I'm very sorry, my dear Tom; but, at the + same time, 't is a capital incident! How it would work up in a farce!” + </p> + <p> + “How funny it is!” said Tom in a rage, eyeing James as if he could have + eaten him. “Bad luck to all poetry and poetasters! By the 'tarnal war, I + wish every poet, from Homer down, was put into a mortar and pounded to + death!” + </p> + <p> + James poured forth expressions of sorrow for the mischance; and extremely + ludicrous it was to see one man making apologies for trying to pay his + friend a compliment; his friend swearing at him for his civility, and the + bailiff grinning at them both. + </p> + <p> + In this triangular dilemma we will leave them for the present. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0025" id="link2HCH0025"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XLVI + </h2> + <p> + Edward O'Connor, on hearing from Gustavus of the old dowager's + disappearance from Neck-or-Nothing Hall, joined in the eager inquiries + which were made about her; and <i>his</i> being directed with more method + and judgment than those of others, their result was more satisfactory. He + soon “took up the trail,” to use an Indian phrase, and he and Gusty were + not many hours in posting after the old lady. They arrived in town early + in the morning, and lost no time in casting about for information. + </p> + <p> + One of the first places Edward inquired at was the inn where the + postchaise generally drove to from the house where the old dowager had + obtained her carriage in the country; but there no trace was to be had. + Next, the principal hotels were referred to, but as yet without success; + when, as they turned into one of the leading streets in continuance of + their search, their attention was attracted by a crowd swaying to and fro + in that peculiar manner which indicates there is a fight inside of it. + Great excitement prevailed on the verge of the crowd, where exclamations + escaped from those who could get a peep at the fight. + </p> + <p> + “The little chap has great heart!” cried one. + </p> + <p> + “But the sweep is the biggest,” said another. + </p> + <p> + “Well done, <i>Horish</i>!” [Footnote: The name of a celebrated sweep in + Ireland, whose name is applied to the whole.] cried a blackguard, who + enjoyed the triumph of his fellow. “Bravo! little fellow,” rejoined a + genteel person, who rejoiced in some successful hit of the other + combatant. There is an inherent love in men to see a fight, which Edward + O'Connor shared with inferior men; and if <i>he</i> had not peeped into + the ring, most assuredly Gusty would. What was their astonishment, when + they got a glimpse of the pugilists, to perceive Ratty was one of them—his + antagonist being a sweep, taller by a head, and no bad hand at the “noble + science.” + </p> + <p> + Edward's first impulse was to separate them, but Gusty requested he would + not, saying that he saw by Ratty's eye he was able to “lick the fellow.” + Ratty certainly showed great fight; what the sweep had in superior size + was equalized by the superior “game” of the gentleman-boy, to whom the + indomitable courage of a high-blooded race had descended, and who would + sooner have died than yield. Besides, Ratty was not deficient in the use + of his “bunch of fives,” hit hard for his size, and was very agile: the + sweep sometimes made a rush, grappled, and got a fall; but he never went + in without getting something from Ratty to “remember him,” and was not + always uppermost. At last, both were so far punished, and the combat not + being likely to be speedily ended (for the sweep was no craven), that the + bystanders interfered, declaring that “they ought to be separated,” and + they were. + </p> + <p> + While the crowd was dispersing, Edward called a coach; and before Ratty + could comprehend how the affair was managed, he was shoved into it and + driven from the scene of action. Ratty had a confused sense of hearing + loud shouts—of being lifted somewhere—of directions given—the + rattle of iron steps clinking sharply—two or three fierce bangs of a + door that wouldn't shut, and then an awful shaking, which roused him up + from the corner of the vehicle into which he had fallen in the first + moment of exhaustion. Ratty “shook his feathers,” dragged his hair from + out of his eyes, which were getting very black indeed, and applied his + handkerchief to his nose, which was much in need of that delicate + attention; and when the sense of perfect vision was restored to him, which + was not for some time (all the colours of the rainbow dancing before + Ratty's eyes for many seconds after the fight), what was his surprise to + see Edward O'Connor and Gusty sitting on the opposite seat! + </p> + <p> + It was some time before Ratty could quite comprehend his present + situation; but as soon as he was made sensible of it, and could answer, + the first questions asked of him were about his grandmother. Ratty + fortunately remembered the name of the hotel where she put up, though he + had left it as soon as the old lady proceeded to the Castle—had lost + his way—and got engaged in a quarrel with a sweep in the meantime. + </p> + <p> + The coach was ordered to drive to the hotel named; and how the fight + occurred was the next question. + </p> + <p> + “The sweep was passing by, and I called him 'snow-ball,'” said Ratty; “and + the blackguard returned an impudent answer, and I hit him.” + </p> + <p> + “You had no right to call him 'snow-ball,'” said Edward. + </p> + <p> + “I always called the sweeps 'snow-ball' down at the Hall,” said Ratty, + “and they never answered.” + </p> + <p> + “When you are on your own territory you may say what you please to your + dependents, Ratty, and they dare not answer; or to use a vulgar saying, 'A + cock may crow on his own dunghill.'” + </p> + <p> + “I'm no dunghill cock!” said Ratty, fiercely. + </p> + <p> + “Indeed, you're not,” said Edward, laying his hand kindly on the boy's + shoulder; “you have plenty of courage.” + </p> + <p> + “I'd have licked him,” said Ratty, “if they'd have let me have two or + three rounds more.” + </p> + <p> + “My dear boy, other things are needful in this world besides courage. + Prudence, temper, and forbearance are required; and this may be a lesson + to you, to remember, that, when you get abroad in the world, you are very + little cared about, however great your consequence may be at home; and I + am sure you cannot be proud about your having got into a quarrel <i>with a + sweep</i>.” + </p> + <p> + Ratty made no answer—his blood began to cool—he became every + moment more sensible that he had received heavy blows. His eyes became + more swollen, he snuffled more in his speech, and his blackened condition + altogether, from gutter, soot, and thrashing, convinced him a fight with a + sweep was <i>not</i> an enviable achievement. + </p> + <p> + The coach drew up at the hotel. Edward left Gusty to see about the + dowager, and made an appointment for Gusty to meet him at their own + lodgings in an hour; while he in the interim should call on Dick Dawson, + who was in town on his way to London. + </p> + <p> + Edward shook hands with Ratty and bade him kindly good bye. “You're a + stout fellow, Ratty,” said he, “but remember this old saying, '<i>Quarrelsome + dogs get dirty coats</i>.'” + </p> + <p> + Edward now proceeded to Dick's lodgings, and found him engaged in reading + a note from Tom Durfy, dated from the “Bower of Repose,” and requesting + Dick's aid in his present difficulty. + </p> + <p> + “Here's a pretty kettle of fish,” said Dick: “Tom Durfy, who is engaged to + dine with me to-day to take leave of his bachelor life, as he is going to + be married to-morrow, is arrested, and now in <i>quod</i>, and wants me to + bail him.” + </p> + <p> + “The shortest way is to pay the money at once,” said Edward; “is it much?” + </p> + <p> + “That I don't know; but I have not a great deal about me, and what I have + I want for my journey to London and my expenses there—not but what + I'd help Tom if I could.” + </p> + <p> + “He must not be allowed to remain <i>there</i>, however we manage to get + him out,” said Edward; “perhaps I can help you in the affair.” + </p> + <p> + “You're always a good fellow, Ned,” said Dick, shaking his hand warmly. + </p> + <p> + Edward escaped from hearing any praise of himself by proposing they should + repair at once to the sponging-house, and see how matters stood. Dick + lamented he should be called away at such a moment, for he was just going + to get his wine ready for the party—particularly some champagne, + which he was desirous of seeing well iced; but as he could not wait to do + it himself, he called Andy, to give him directions about it, and set off + with Edward to the relief of Tom Durfy. + </p> + <p> + Andy was once more in service in the Egan family; for the Squire, on + finding him still more closely linked by his marriage with the desperate + party whose influence over Andy was to be dreaded, took advantage of + Andy's disgust against the woman who had entrapped him, and offered to + take him off to London instead of enlisting; and as Andy believed he would + be there sufficiently out of the way of the false Bridget, he came off at + once to Dublin with Dick, who was the pioneer of the party to London. + </p> + <p> + Dick gave Andy the necessary directions for icing the champagne, which he + set apart and pointed out most particularly to our hero, lest he should + make a mistake and perchance ice the port instead. + </p> + <p> + After Edward and Dick had gone, Andy commenced operations according to + orders. He brought a large tub up-stairs containing rough ice, which + excited Andy's wonder, for he never had known till now that ice was + preserved for and applied to such a use, for an ice-house did not happen + to be attached to any establishment in which he had served. + </p> + <p> + “Well, this is the quarest thing I ever heerd of,” said Andy. “Musha! what + outlandish inventions the quolity has among them! They're not contint with + wine, but they must have ice along with it—and in a tub, too!—just + like pigs!—throth it's a dirty thrick, I think. Well, here goes!” + said he; and Andy opened a bottle of champagne, and poured it into the tub + with the ice. “How it fizzes!” said Andy, “Faix, it's almost as lively as + the soda-wather that bothered me long ago. Well, I know more about things + now; sure it's wondherful how a man improves with practice!”—and + another bottle of champagne was emptied into the tub as he spoke. Thus, + with several other complacent comments upon his own proficiency, Andy + poured half-a-dozen of champagne into the tub of ice, and remarked, when + he had finished his work, that he thought it would be “mighty cowld on + their stomachs.” + </p> + <p> + Dick and Edward all this time were on their way to the relief of Tom + Durfy, who, though he had cooled down from the boiling-pitch to which the + misadventure of the morning had raised him, was still <i>simmering</i>, + with his elbows planted on the rickety table in Mr. Goggins' “bower,” and + his chin resting on his clenched hands. It was the very state of mind in + which Tom was most dangerous. + </p> + <p> + At the other side of the table sat James Reddy, intently employed in + writing; his pursed mouth and knitted brows bespoke a labouring state of + thought, and the various crossings, interlinings, and blottings gave + additional evidence of the same, while now and then a rush at a line which + was knocked off in a hurry, with slashing dashes of the pen, and fierce + after-crossings of <i>t's</i>, and determined dottings of <i>i's</i>, + declared some thought suddenly seized, and executed with bitter triumph. + </p> + <p> + “You seem very <i>happy in yourself</i> in what you are writing,” said + Tom. “What is it? Is it another epithalamium?” + </p> + <p> + “It is a caustic article against the successful men of the day,” said + Reddy; “they have no merit, sir—none. 'T is nothing but luck has + placed them where they are, and they ought to be exposed.” He then threw + down his pen as he spoke, and, after a silence of some minutes, suddenly + put this question to Tom: + </p> + <p> + “What do you think of the world?” + </p> + <p> + “'Faith, I think it so pleasant a place,” said Tom, “that I'm confoundedly + vexed at being kept out of it by being locked up here; and that cursed + bailiff is so provokingly free-and-easy—coming in here every ten + minutes, and making himself at home.” + </p> + <p> + “Why, as for that matter, it is his home, you must remember.” + </p> + <p> + “But while a gentleman is here for a period,” said Tom, “this room ought + to be considered his, and that fellow has no business here—and then + his bows and scrapes, and talking about the feelings of a gentleman, and + all that—'t is enough to make a dog beat his father. Curse him! I'd + like to choke him.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh! that's merely his manner,” said James. + </p> + <p> + “Want of manners, you mean,” said Tom. “Hang me, if he comes up to me with + his rascally familiarity again, but I'll kick him down stairs.” + </p> + <p> + “My dear fellow, you are excited,” said Reddy; “don't let these sublunary + trifles ruffle your temper—you see how I bear it; and to recall you + to yourself, I will remind you of the question we started from, 'What do + you think of the world?' There's a general question—a broad + question, upon which one may talk with temper and soar above the petty + grievances of life in the grand consideration of so ample a subject. You + see me here, a prisoner like yourself, but I can talk of <i>the world</i>. + Come, be a calm philosopher, like me! Answer, what do you think of the + world?” + </p> + <p> + “I've told you already,” said Tom; “it's a capital place, only for the + bailiffs.” + </p> + <p> + “I can't agree with you,” said James. “I think it one vast pool of + stagnant wretchedness, where the <i>malaria</i> of injustice holds her + scales suspended, to poison rising talent by giving an undue weight to + existing prejudices.” + </p> + <p> + To this lucid and good-tempered piece of philosophy, Tom could only + answer, “You know I am no poet, and I cannot argue with you but, 'pon my + soul, I <i>have</i> known, and <i>do</i> know, some uncommon good fellows + in the world.” + </p> + <p> + “You're wrong, you're wrong, my unsuspecting friend. 'T is a bad world, + and no place for susceptible minds. Jealousy pursues talent like its + shadow—superiority alone wins for you the hatred of inferior men. + For instance, why am <i>I</i> here? The editor of <i>my</i> paper will not + allow <i>my</i> articles always to appear;—prevents their insertion, + lest the effect they would make would cause inquiry, and tend to <i>my</i> + distinction; and the consequence is, that the paper <i>I</i> came to <i>uphold</i> + in Dublin is deprived of <i>my</i> articles, and <i>I</i> don't get paid; + while <i>I</i> see <i>inferior</i> men, without asking for it, loaded with + favour; <i>they</i> are abroad in affluence, and <i>I</i> in captivity and + poverty. But one comfort is, even in disgrace I can write, and they shall + get a slashing.” + </p> + <p> + Thus spoke the calm philosopher, who gave Tom a lecture on patience. + </p> + <p> + Tom was no great conjuror; but at that moment, like Audrey, “he thanked + the gods he was not poetical.” If there be any one thing more than another + to make an “every-day man” content with his average lot, it is the + exhibition of ambitious inferiority, striving for distinction it can never + attain; just given sufficient perception to desire the glory of success, + without power to measure the strength that can achieve it; like some poor + fly, which beats its head against a pane of glass, seeing the sunshine + beyond, but incapable of perceiving the subtle medium which intervenes—too + delicate for its limited sense to comprehend, but too strong for its + limited power to pass. But though Tom felt satisfaction at that moment, he + had too good feeling to wound the self-love of the vain creature before + him; so, instead of speaking what he thought, viz., “What business have + you to attempt literature, you conceited fool?” he tried to wean him + civilly from his folly by saying, “Then come back to the country, James; + if you find jealous rivals <i>here</i>, you know you were always admired + <i>there</i>.” + </p> + <p> + “No, sir,” said James; “even there my merit was unacknowledged.” + </p> + <p> + “No! no!” said Tom. + </p> + <p> + “Well, underrated, at least. Even there, <i>that</i> Edward O'Connor, + somehow or other, I never could tell why—I never saw his great + talents—but somehow or other, people got it into their heads that he + was clever.” + </p> + <p> + “I tell you what it is,” said Tom, earnestly, “Ned-of-the-Hill has got + into a better place than people's <i>heads</i>—he has got into their + <i>hearts</i>!” + </p> + <p> + “There it is!” exclaimed James, indignantly. “You have caught up the + cuckoo-cry—the heart! Why, sir, what merit is there in writing about + feelings which any common labourer can comprehend? There's no poetry in + that; true poetry lies in a higher sphere, where you have difficulty in + following the flight of the poet, and possibly may not be fortunate enough + to understand him—that's poetry, sir.” + </p> + <p> + “I told you I am no poet,” said Tom; “but all I know is, I have felt my + heart warm to some of Edward's songs, and, by jingo, I have seen the + women's eyes glisten, and their cheeks flush or grow pale, as they have + heard them—and that's poetry enough for me.” + </p> + <p> + “Well, let Mister O'Connor enjoy his popularity, sir, if popularity it may + be called, in a small country circle—let him enjoy it—I don't + envy him <i>his</i>, though I think he was rather jealous about mine.” + </p> + <p> + “Ned jealous!” exclaimed Tom, in surprise. + </p> + <p> + “Yes, jealous; I never heard him say a kind word of any verses I ever + wrote in my life; and I am certain he has most unkind feelings towards + me.” + </p> + <p> + “I tell you what it is,” said Tom, “getting up” a bit; “I told you I don't + understand poetry, but I <i>do</i> understand what's an infinitely better + thing, and that's fine, generous, manly feeling; and if there's a human + being in the world incapable of wronging another in his mind or heart, or + readier to help his fellow-man, it is Edward O'Connor: so say no more, + James, if you please.” + </p> + <p> + Tom had scarcely uttered the last word, when the key was turned in the + door. + </p> + <p> + “Here's that infernal bailiff again!” said Tom, whose irritability, + increased by Reddy's paltry egotism and injustice, was at its + boiling-pitch once more. He planted himself firmly in his chair, and + putting on his fiercest frown, was determined to confront Mister Goggins + with an aspect that should astonish him. + </p> + <p> + The door opened, and Mister Goggins made his appearance, presenting to the + gentlemen in the room the hinder portion of his person, which made several + indications of courtesy performed by the other half of his body, while he + uttered the words, “Don't be astonished, gentlemen; you'll be used to it + by-and-by.” And with these words he kept backing towards Tom, making these + nether demonstrations of civility, till Tom could plainly see the seams in + the back of Mr. Goggins's pantaloons. + </p> + <p> + Tom thought this was some new touch of the “free-and-easy” on Mister + Goggins's part, and, losing all command of himself, he jumped from his + chair, and with a vigorous kick gave Mister Goggins such a lively + impression of his desire that he should leave the room, that Mister + Goggins went head foremost down the stairs, pitching his whole weight upon + Dick Dawson and Edward O'Connor, who were ascending the dark stairs, and + to whom all his bows had been addressed. Overwhelmed with astonishment and + twelve stone of bailiff, they were thrown back into the hall, and an + immense uproar in the passage ensued. + </p> + <p> + Edward and Dick were near coming in for some hard usage from Goggins, + conceiving it might be a preconcerted attempt on the part of his prisoners + and their newly arrived friends to achieve a rescue; and while he was + rolling about on the ground, he roared to his evil-visaged janitor to look + to the door first, and keep him from being “murthered” after. + </p> + <p> + Fortunately no evil consequences ensued, until matters could be explained + in the hall, and Edward and Dick were introduced to the upper room, from + which Goggins had been so suddenly ejected. + </p> + <p> + There the bailiff demanded in a very angry tone the cause of Tom's + conduct; and when it was found to be <i>only</i> a mutual misunderstanding—that + Goggins wouldn't take a liberty with a gentleman “in defficulties” for the + world, and that Tom wouldn't hurt a fly, “only under a mistake”—matters + were cleared up to the satisfaction of all parties, and the real business + of the meeting commenced:—that was to pay Tom's debt out of hand; + and when the bailiff saw all demands, fees included, cleared off, the + clouds from his brow cleared off also, he was the most amiable of + sheriff's officers, and all his sentimentality returned. + </p> + <p> + Edward did not seem quite to sympathise with his amiability, so Goggins + returned to the charge, while Tom and Dick were exchanging a few words + with James Reddy. + </p> + <p> + “You see, sir,” said Goggins, “in the first place, it is quite beautiful + to see the mind in adversity bearing up against the little antediluvian + afflictions that will happen occasionally, and then how fine it is to + remark the spark of generosity that kindles in the noble heart and rushes + to the assistance of the destitute! I do assure you, sir, it is a most + beautiful sight to see the gentlemen in defficulties waitin' here for + their friends to come to their relief, like the last scene in Blue Beard, + where sister Ann waves her han'kerchief from the tower—the tyrant is + slain—and virtue rewarded! + </p> + <p> + “Ah, sir!” said he to Edward O'Connor, whose look of disgust at the + wretched den caught the bailiff's attention, “don't entertain an antifassy + from first imprissions, which is often desaivin'. I do pledge you my + honour, sir, there is no place in the 'varsal world where human nature is + visible in more attractive colours than in this humble retrait.” + </p> + <p> + Edward could not conceal a smile at the fellow's absurdity, though his + sense of the ridiculous could not overcome the disgust with which the + place inspired him. He gave an admonitory touch to the elbow of Dick + Dawson, who, with his friend Tom Durfy, followed Edward from the room, the + bailiff bringing up the rear, and relocking the door on the unfortunate + James Reddy, who was left “alone in his glory,” to finish his slashing + article against the successful men of the day. Nothing more than words of + recognition had passed between Reddy and Edward. In the first place, + Edward's appearance at the very moment the other was indulging in + illiberal observations upon him rendered the ill-tempered poetaster dumb; + and Edward attributed this distance of manner to a feeling of shyness + which Reddy might entertain at being seen in such a place, and therefore + had too much good breeding to thrust his civility on a man who seemed to + shrink from it; but when he left the house he expressed his regret to his + companions at the poor fellow's unfortunate situation. + </p> + <p> + It touched Tom Durfy's heart to hear these expressions of compassion + coming from the lips of the man he had heard maligned a few minutes before + by the very person commiserated, and it raised his opinion higher of + Edward, whose hand he now shook with warm expressions of thankfulness on + his own account, for the prompt service rendered to him. Edward made as + light of his own kindness as he could, and begged Tom to think nothing of + such a trifle. + </p> + <p> + “One word I will say to you, Durfy, and I'm sure you'll pardon me for it.” + </p> + <p> + “Could you say a thing to offend me?” was the answer. + </p> + <p> + “You are to be married soon, I understand?” + </p> + <p> + “To-morrow,” said Tom. + </p> + <p> + “Well, my dear Durfy, if you owe any more money, take a real friend's + advice, and tell your pretty good-hearted widow the whole amount of your + debts before you marry her.” + </p> + <p> + “My dear O'Connor,” said Tom, “the money you've lent me now is all I owe + in the world; 't was a tailor's bill, and I quite forgot it. You know, no + one ever thinks of a tailor's bill. Debts, indeed!” added Tom, with + surprise; “my dear fellow, I never could be much in debt, for the devil a + one would trust me.” + </p> + <p> + “An excellent reason for your unencumbered state,” said Edward, “and I + hope you pardon me.” + </p> + <p> + “Pardon!” exclaimed Tom, “I esteem you for your kind and manly frankness.” + </p> + <p> + In the course of their progress towards Dick's lodgings, Edward reverted + to James Reddy's wretched condition, and found it was but some petty debt + for which he was arrested. He lamented, in common with Dick and Tom, the + infatuation which made him desert a duty he could profitably perform by + assisting his father in his farming concerns, to pursue a literary path, + which could never be any other to him than one of thorns. + </p> + <p> + As Edward had engaged to meet Gusty in an hour, he parted from his + companions and pursued his course alone. But, instead of proceeding + immediately homeward, he retraced his steps to the den of the bailiff and + gave a quiet tap at the door. Mister Goggins himself answered to the + knock, and began a loud and florid welcome to Edward, who stopped his + career of eloquence by laying a finger on his lip in token of silence. A + few words sufficed to explain the motive of his visit. He wished to + ascertain the sum for which the gentleman up-stairs was detained. The + bailiff informed him; and the money necessary to procure the captive's + liberty was placed in his hand. + </p> + <p> + The bailiff cast one of his melodramatic glances at Edward, and said, + “Didn't I tell you, sir, this was the place for calling out the noblest + feelings of human nature?” + </p> + <p> + “Can you oblige me with writing materials?” said Edward. + </p> + <p> + “I can, sir,” said Goggins, proudly, “and with other <i>materials</i> too, + if you like—and 'pon my honour, I'll be proud to drink your health, + for you're a raal gintleman.” [Footnote: The name given in Ireland to the + necessary materials for the compounding of whisky-punch.] + </p> + <p> + Edward, in the civilest manner, declined the offer, and wrote, or rather + tried to write, the following note, with a pen like a skewer, ink + something thicker than mud, and on whity-brown paper:— + </p> + <p> + “DEAR SIR,—I hope you will pardon the liberty I have taken in your + temporary want of money. You can repay me at your convenience. Yours, + </p> + <h3> + “E. O'C.” + </h3> + <p> + Edward left the den, and so did James Reddy soon after—a better man. + Though weak, his heart was not shut to the humanities of life—and + Edward's kindness, in opening his eyes to the wrong he had done <i>one</i> + man, induced in his heart a kinder feeling towards all. He tore up his + slashing article against successful men. Would that every disappointed man + would do the same. + </p> + <p> + The bailiff was right: even so low a den as his becomes ennobled by the + presence of active benevolence and prejudice reclaimed. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0026" id="link2HCH0026"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XLVII + </h2> + <p> + Edward, on returning to his hotel, found Gusty there before him, in great + delight at having seen a “splendid” horse, as he said, which had been + brought for Edward's inspection, he having written a note on his arrival + in town to a dealer stating his want of a first-rate hunter. + </p> + <p> + “He's in the stable now,” said Gusty; “for I desired the man to wait, + knowing you would be here soon.” + </p> + <p> + “I cannot see him now, Gusty,” said Edward: “will you have the kindness to + tell the groom I can look at the horse in his own stables when I wish to + purchase?” + </p> + <p> + Gusty departed to do the message, somewhat in wonder, for Edward loved a + fine horse. But the truth was, Edward's disposable money, which he had + intended for the purchase of a hunter, had a serious inroad made upon it + by the debts he had discharged for other men, and he was forced to forego + the pleasure he had proposed to himself in the next hunting season; and he + did not like to consume any one's time, or raise false expectations, by + affecting to look at disposable property with the eye of a purchaser, when + he knew it was beyond his reach; and the flimsy common-places of “I'll + think of it,” or “If I don't see something better,” or any other of the + twenty hackneyed excuses which idle people make, after consuming busy + men's time, Edward held to be unworthy. He could ride a hack and deny + himself hunting for a whole season, but he would not unnecessarily consume + the useful time of any man for ten minutes. + </p> + <p> + This may be sneered at by the idle and thoughtless; nevertheless, it is a + part of the minor morality which is ever present in the conduct of a true + gentleman. + </p> + <p> + Edward had promised to join Dick's dinner-party on an impromptu + invitation, and the clock striking the appointed hour warned Edward it was + time to be off; so, jumping up on a jaunting car, he rattled off to Dick's + lodgings, where a jolly party was assembled ripe for fun. + </p> + <p> + Amongst the guests was a rather remarkable man, a Colonel Crammer, who had + seen a monstrous deal of service—one of Tom Durfy's friends whom he + had asked leave to bring with him to dinner. Of course, Dick's card and a + note of invitation for the gallant colonel were immediately despatched; + and he had but just arrived before Edward, who found a bustling sensation + in the room as the colonel was presented to those already assembled, and + Tom Durfy giving whispers, aside, to each person touching his friend; such + as—“Very remarkable man”—“Seen great service”—“A little + odd or so”—“A fund of most extraordinary anecdote,” &c., &c. + </p> + <p> + Now this Colonel Crammer was no other than Tom Loftus, whose acquaintance + Dick wished to make, and who had been invited to the dinner after a + preliminary visit; but Tom sent an excuse in his own name, and preferred + being present under a fictitious one—this being one of the odd ways + in which his humour broke out, desirous of giving people a “touch of his + quality” before they knew him. He was in the habit of assuming various + characters; a methodist missionary—the patentee of some unheard-of + invention—the director of some new joint-stock company—in + short, anything which would give him an opportunity of telling tremendous + bouncers was equally good for Tom. His reason for assuming a military + guise on this occasion was to bother Moriarty, whom he knew he should + meet, and held a special reason for tormenting; and he knew he could + achieve this, by throwing all the stories Moriarty was fond of telling + about his own service into the shade, by extravagant inventions of + “hair-breadth 'scapes” and feats by “flood and field.” Indeed, the dinner + would not be worth mentioning but for the extraordinary capers Tom cut on + the occasion, and the unheard-of lies he squandered. + </p> + <p> + Dinner was announced by Andy, and with good appetite soup and fish were + soon despatched; sherry followed as a matter of necessity. The second + course appeared, and was not long under discussion when Dick called for + the “champagne.” + </p> + <p> + Andy began to drag the tub towards the table, and Dick, impatient of + delay, again called “champagne.” + </p> + <p> + “I'm bringin' it to you, sir,” said Andy, tugging at the tub. + </p> + <p> + “Hand it round the table,” said Dick. + </p> + <p> + Andy tried to lift the tub, “to hand it round the table;” but, finding he + could not manage it, he whispered to Dick, “I can't get it up, sir.” + </p> + <p> + Dick, fancying Andy meant he had got a flask not in a sufficient state of + effervescence to expel its own cork, whispered in return, “Draw it, then.” + </p> + <p> + “I was dhrawin' it to you, sir, when you stopped me.” + </p> + <p> + “Well, make haste with it,” said Dick. + </p> + <p> + “Mister Dawson, I'll trouble you for a small slice of the turkey,” said + the colonel. + </p> + <p> + “With pleasure, colonel; but first do me the honour to take champagne. + Andy—champagne!” + </p> + <p> + “Here it is, sir!” said Andy, who had drawn the tub close to Dick's chair. + </p> + <p> + “Where's the wine, sir?” said Dick, looking first at the tub and then at + Andy. “There, sir,” said Andy, pointing down to the ice. “I put the wine + into it, as you towld me.” + </p> + <p> + Dick looked again at the tub, and said, “There is not a single bottle + there—what do you mean, you stupid rascal?” + </p> + <p> + “To be sure, there's no bottle there, sir. The bottles is all on the + sideboord, but every dhrop o' the wine is in the ice, as you towld me, + sir; if you put your hand down into it, you'll feel it, sir.” + </p> + <p> + The conversation between master and man growing louder as it proceeded + attracted the attention of the whole company, and those near the head of + the table became acquainted as soon as Dick with the mistake Andy had + made, and could not resist laughter; and as the cause of their merriment + was told from man to man, and passed round the board, a roar of laughter + uprose, not a little increased by Dick's look of vexation, which at length + was forced to yield to the infectious merriment around him, and he laughed + with the rest, and making a joke of the disappointment, which is the very + best way of passing one off, he said that he had the honour of originating + at his table a magnificent scale of hospitality; for though he had heard + of company being entertained with a whole hogshead of claret, he was not + aware of champagne being ever served in a tub before. The company were too + determined to be merry to have their pleasantry put out of tune by so + trifling a mishap, and it was generally voted that the joke was worth + twice as much as the wine. Nevertheless, Dick could not help casting a + reproachful look now and then at Andy, who had to run the gauntlet of many + a joke cut at his expense, while he waited upon the wags at dinner, and + caught a lowly muttered anathema whenever he passed near Dick's chair. In + short, master and man were both glad when the cloth was drawn, and the + party could be left to themselves. + </p> + <p> + Then, as a matter of course, Dick called on the gentlemen to charge their + glasses and fill high to a toast he had to propose—they would + anticipate to whom he referred—a gentleman who was going to change + his state of freedom for one of a happier bondage, &c., &c. Dick + dashed off his speech with several mirth-moving allusions to the change + that was coming over his friend Tom, and, having festooned his composition + with the proper quantity of “rosy wreaths,” &c., &c., &c., + naturally belonging to such speeches, he wound up with some hearty words—free + from <i>badinage</i>, and meaning all they conveyed, and finished with the + rhyming benediction of a “long life and a good wife” to him. + </p> + <p> + Tom having returned thanks in the same laughing style that Dick proposed + his health, and bade farewell to the lighter follies of bachelorship for + the more serious ones of wedlock, the road was now open for any one who + was vocally inclined. Dick asked one or two, who said they were not within + a bottle of their singing-point yet, but Tom Durfy was sure his friend the + colonel would favour them. + </p> + <p> + “With pleasure,” said the colonel; “and I'll sing something appropriate to + the blissful situation of philandering in which you have been indulging of + late, my friend. I wish I could give you any idea of the song as I heard + it warbled by the voice of an Indian princess, who was attached to me + once, and for whom I ran enormous risks—but no matter—that's + past and gone, but the soft tones of Zulima's voice will ever haunt my + heart! The song is a favourite where I heard it—on the borders of + Cashmere, and is supposed to be sung by a fond woman in the valley of the + nightingales—'tis so in the original, but as we have no nightingales + in Ireland, I have substituted the dove in the little translation I have + made, which, if you will allow me, I'll attempt.” + </p> + <p> + Loud cries of “Hear, hear!” and tapping of applauding hands on the table + followed, while the colonel gave a few preliminary hems; and after some + little pilot tones from his throat, to show the way, his voice ascended in + all the glory of song. + </p> + <h3> + THE DOVE-SONG + </h3> + <h3> + I + </h3> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + “<i>Coo! Coo! Coo! Coo!</i> + Thus did I hear the turtle-dove, + <i>Coo! Coo! Coo!</i> + Murmuring forth her love; + And as she flew from tree to tree, + How melting seemed the notes to me— + <i>Coo! Coo! Coo!</i> + So like the voice of lovers, + 'T was passing sweet to hear + The birds within the covers, + In the spring-time of the year. +</pre> + <h3> + II + </h3> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + “<i>Coo! Coo! Coo! Coo!</i> + Thus the song's returned again— + <i>Coo! Coo! Coo!</i> + Through the shady glen; + But there I wandered lone and sad, + While every bird around was glad. + <i>Coo! Coo! Coo!</i> + Thus so fondly murmured they, + <i>Coo! Coo! Coo!</i> + While <i>my</i> love was away. + And yet the song to lovers, + Though sad, is sweet to hear, + From birds within the covers, + In the spring-time of the year.” + </pre> + <p> + The colonel's song, given with Tom Loftus' good voice, was received with + great applause, and the fellows all voted it catching, and began “cooing” + round the table like a parcel of pigeons. + </p> + <p> + “A translation from an eastern poet, you say?” + </p> + <p> + “Yes,” said Tom. + </p> + <p> + “'T is not very eastern in its character,” said Moriarty. “I mean a <i>free</i> + translation, of course,” added the mock colonel. + </p> + <p> + “Would you favour us with the song again, in the original?” added + Moriarty. + </p> + <p> + Tom Loftus did not know one syllable of any other language than his own, + and it would not have been convenient to talk gibberish to Moriarty, who + had a smattering of some of the eastern tongues; so he declined giving his + Cashmerian song in its native purity, because, as he said, he never could + manage to speak their dialect, though he understood it reasonably well. + </p> + <p> + “But <i>there's</i> a gentleman, I am sure, will sing some other song—and + a better one, I have no doubt,” said Tom, with a very humble prostration + of his head on the table, and anxious by a fresh song to get out of the + dilemma in which Moriarty's question was near placing him. + </p> + <p> + “Not a better, colonel,” said the gentleman who was addressed, “but I + cannot refuse your call, and I will do my best; hand me the port wine, + pray; I always take a glass of port before I sing—I think 't is good + for the throat—what do you say, colonel?” + </p> + <p> + “When I want to sing particularly well,” said Tom, “I drink <i>canary</i>.” + </p> + <p> + The gentleman smiled at the whimsical answer, tossed off his glass of + port, and began. + </p> + <h3> + LADY MINE + </h3> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + “Lady mine! lady mine! + Take the rosy wreath I twine, + All its sweets are less than thine, + Lady, lady mine! + The blush that on thy cheek is found + Bloometh fresh the <i>whole</i> year round; + <i>Thy</i> sweet <i>breath</i> as sweet gives <i>sound</i>, + Lady, lady mine! +</pre> + <h3> + II + </h3> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + “Lady mine! lady mine! + How I love the graceful vine, + Whose tendrils mock thy ringlets' twine, + Lady, lady mine! + How I love that generous tree, + Whose ripe clusters promise me + Bumpers bright,—to pledge to <i>thee</i>, + Lady, lady mine! +</pre> + <h3> + III + </h3> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + “Lady mine! lady mine! + Like the stars that nightly shine, + Thy sweet eyes shed light divine, + Lady, lady mine! + And as sages wise, of old, + From the stars could fate unfold, + Thy bright eyes <i>my</i> fortune told, + Lady, lady mine!” + </pre> + <p> + The song was just in the style to catch gentlemen after dinner—the + second verse particularly, and many a glass was emptied of a “bumper + bright,” and pledged to the particular “<i>thee</i>,” which each + individual had selected for his devotion. Edward, at that moment, + certainly thought of Fanny Dawson. + </p> + <p> + Let teetotallers say what they please, there is a genial influence + inspired by wine and song—not in excess, but in that wholesome + degree which stirs the blood and warms the fancy; and as one raises the + glass to the lip, over which some sweet name is just breathed from the + depth of the heart, what libation so fit to pour to absent friends as + wine? What <i>is</i> wine? It is the grape present in another form; its + essence is there, though the fruit which produced it grew thousands of + miles away, and perished years ago. So the object of many a tender thought + may be spiritually present, in defiance of space—and fond + recollections cherished in defiance of time. + </p> + <p> + As the party became more convivial, the mirth began to assume a broader + form. Tom Durfy drew out Moriarty on the subject of his services, that the + mock colonel might throw every new achievement into the shade; and this he + did in the most barefaced manner, but mixing so much of probability with + his audacious fiction, that those who were not up to the joke only + supposed him to be <i>a very great romancer</i>; while those friends who + were in Loftus' confidence exhibited a most capacious stomach for the + marvellous, and backed up his lies with a ready credence. If Moriarty told + some fearful incident of a tiger hunt, the colonel capped it with + something more wonderful, of slaughtering lions in a wholesale way, like + rabbits. When Moriarty expatiated on the intensity of tropical heat, the + colonel would upset him with something more appalling. + </p> + <p> + “Now, sir,” said Loftus, “let me ask you what is the greatest amount of + heat you have ever experienced—I say <i>experienced</i>, not <i>heard</i> + of—for that goes for nothing. I always speak from experience.” + </p> + <p> + “Well, sir,” said Moriarty, “I have known it to be so hot in India, that I + have had a hole dug in the ground under my tent, and sat in it, and put a + table standing over the hole, to try and guard me from the intolerable + fervour of the eastern sun, and even <i>then</i> I was hot. What do you + say to that, colonel?” asked Moriarty, triumphantly. + </p> + <p> + “Have you ever been in the West Indies?” inquired Loftus. + </p> + <p> + “Never,” said Moriarty, who, once entrapped into this admission, was + directly at the colonel's mercy,—and the colonel launched out + fearlessly. + </p> + <p> + “Then, my good sir, you know nothing of heat. I have seen in the West + Indies an umbrella burned over a man's head.” + </p> + <p> + “Wonderful!” cried Loftus' backers. + </p> + <p> + “'T is strange, sir,” said Moriarty, “that we have never seen that + mentioned by any writer.” + </p> + <p> + “Easily accounted for, sir,” said Loftus. “'T is so common a circumstance, + that it ceases to be worthy of observation. An author writing of this + country might as well remark that the apple-women are to be seen sitting + at the corners of the streets. That's nothing, sir; but there are two + things of which I have personal knowledge, <i>rather</i> remarkable. One + day of intense heat (even for that climate) I was on a visit at the + plantation of a friend of mine, and it was so out-o'-the-way scorching, + that our lips were like cinders, and we were obliged to have black slaves + pouring sangaree down our throats by gallons—I don't hesitate to say + gallons—and we thought we could not have survived through the day; + but what could <i>we</i> think of <i>our</i> sufferings, when we heard + that several negroes, who had gone to sleep under the shade of some + cocoa-nut trees, had been scalded to death?” + </p> + <p> + “Scalded?” said his friends; “burnt, you mean.” + </p> + <p> + “No, scalded; and <i>how</i> do you think? The intensity of the heat had + cracked the cocoa-nuts, and the boiling milk inside dropped down and + produced the fatal result. The same day a remarkable accident occurred at + the battery; the French were hovering round the island at the time, and + the governor, being a timid man, ordered the guns to be always kept + loaded.” + </p> + <p> + “I never heard of such a thing in a battery in my life, sir,” said + Moriarty. + </p> + <p> + “Nor I either,” said Loftus, “till then.” + </p> + <p> + “What was the governor's name, sir?” inquired Moriarty, pursuing his train + of doubt. + </p> + <p> + “You must excuse me, captain, from naming him,” said Loftus, with + readiness, “after <i>incautiously</i> saying he was <i>timid</i>.” + </p> + <p> + “Hear, hear!” said all the friends. + </p> + <p> + “But to pursue my story, sir:—the guns were loaded, and with the + intensity of the heat went off, one after another, and quite riddled one + of his Majesty's frigates that was lying in the harbour.” + </p> + <p> + “That's one of the most difficult riddles to comprehend I ever heard,” + said Moriarty. + </p> + <p> + “The frigate answered the riddle with her guns, sir, I promise you.” + </p> + <p> + “What!” exclaimed Moriarty, “fire on the fort of her own king?” + </p> + <p> + “There is an honest principle exists among sailors, sir, to return fire + under all circumstances, wherever it comes from, friend or foe. Fire, of + which they know the value so well, they won't take from anybody.” + </p> + <p> + “And what was the consequence?” said Moriarty. + </p> + <p> + “Sir, it was the most harmless broadside ever delivered from the ports of + a British frigate; not a single house or human being was injured—the + day was so hot that every sentinel had sunk on the ground in utter + exhaustion—the whole population were asleep; the only loss of life + which occurred was that of a blue macaw, which belonged to the + commandant's daughter.” + </p> + <p> + “Where was the macaw, may I beg to know?” said Moriarty, cross-questioning + the colonel in the spirit of a counsel for the defence on a capital + indictment. + </p> + <p> + “In the drawing-room window, sir.” + </p> + <p> + “Then surely the ball must have done some damage in the house?” + </p> + <p> + “Not the least, sir,” said Loftus, sipping his wine. + </p> + <p> + “Surely, colonel!” returned Moriarty, warming, “the ball could not have + killed the macaw without injuring the house?” + </p> + <p> + “My dear sir,” said Tom, “I did not say the <i>ball</i> killed the macaw, + I said the macaw was killed; but <i>that</i> was in consequence of a + splinter from an <i>epaulement</i> of the south-east angle of the fort + which the shot struck and glanced off harmlessly—except for the + casualty of the macaw.” + </p> + <p> + Moriarty returned a kind of grunt, which implied that, though he could not + further <i>question</i>, he did not <i>believe</i>. Under such + circumstances, taking snuff is a great relief to a man; and, as it + happened, Moriarty, in taking snuff, could gratify his nose and his vanity + at the same time, for he sported a silver-gilt snuff-box which was + presented to him in some extraordinary way, and bore a grand inscription. + </p> + <p> + On this “piece of plate” being produced, of course it went round the + table, and Moriarty could scarcely conceal the satisfaction he felt as + each person read the engraven testimonial of his worth. When it had gone + the circuit of the board, Tom Loftus put his hand into his pocket and + pulled out the butt-end of a rifle, which is always furnished with a small + box, cut out of the solid part of the wood and covered with a plate of + brass acting on a hinge. This box, intended to carry small implements for + the use of the rifleman, to keep his piece in order, was filled with + snuff, and Tom said, as he laid it down on the table, “This is <i>my</i> + snuff-box, gentlemen; not as handsome as my gallant friend's at the + opposite side of the table, but extremely interesting to me. It was + previous to one of our dashing affairs in Spain that our riflemen were + thrown out in front and on the flanks. The rifles were supported by the + light companies of the regiments in advance, and it was in the latter duty + I was engaged. We had to feel our way through a wood, and had cleared it + of the enemy, when, as we debouched from the wood on the opposite side, we + were charged by an overwhelming force of Polish lancers and cuirassiers. + Retreat was impossible—resistance almost hopeless. 'My lads,' said + I, 'we must do something <i>novel</i> here, or we are lost—startle + them by fresh practice—the bayonet will no longer avail you—club + your muskets, and hit the horses over the noses, and they'll smell + danger.' They took my advice; of course we first delivered a withering + volley, and then to it we went in flail-fashion, thrashing away with the + butt-ends of our muskets; and sure enough the French were astonished and + driven back in amazement. So tremendous, sir, was the hitting on our side, + that in many instances the butt-ends of the muskets snapped off like + tobacco-pipes, and the field was quite strewn with them after the affair: + I picked one of them up as a little memento of the day, and have used it + ever since as a snuff-box.” + </p> + <p> + Every one was amused by the outrageous romancing of the colonel but + Moriarty, who looked rather disgusted, because he could not edge in a word + of his own at all; he gave up the thing now in despair, for the colonel + had it all his own way, like the bull in a china-shop; the more startling + the bouncers he told, the more successful were his anecdotes, and he kept + pouring them out with the most astounding rapidity; and though all voted + him the greatest liar they ever met, none suspected he was not a military + man. + </p> + <p> + Dick wanted Edward O'Connor, who sat beside him, to sing; but Edward + whispered, “For Heaven's sake don't stop the flow of the lava from that + mighty eruption of lies!—he's a perfect Vesuvius of mendacity. + You'll never meet his like again, so make the most of him while you have + him. Pray, sir,” said Edward to the colonel, “have you ever been in any of + the cold climates? I am induced to ask you, from the very wonderful + anecdotes you have told of the hot ones.” + </p> + <p> + “Bless you, sir, I know every corner about the north pole.” + </p> + <p> + “In which of the expeditions, may I ask, were you engaged?” inquired + Moriarty. + </p> + <p> + “In none of them, sir. We knocked up a <i>little amateur party</i>, I and + a few curious friends, and certainly we witnessed wonders. You talk here + of a sharp wind; but the wind is so sharp there that it cut off our beard + and whiskers. Boreas is a great barber, sir, with his north pole for a + sign. Then as for frost!—I could tell you such incredible things of + its intensity; our butter, for instance, was as hard as a rock; we were + obliged to knock it off with a chisel and hammer, like a mason at a piece + of granite, and it was necessary to be careful of your eyes at breakfast, + the splinters used to fly about so; indeed, one of the party <i>did</i> + lose the use of his eye from a butter-splinter. But the oddest thing of + all was to watch two men talking to each other: you could observe the + words, as they came out of their mouths, suddenly frozen and dropping down + in little pellets of ice at their feet, so that, after a long + conversation, you might see a man standing up to his knees in his own + eloquence.” + </p> + <p> + They all roared with laughter at this last touch of the marvellous, but + Loftus preserved his gravity. + </p> + <p> + “I don't wonder, gentlemen, at your not receiving that as truth—I + told you it was incredible—in short, that is the reason I have + resisted all temptations to publish. Murray, Longmans, Colburn, Bentley, + ALL the publishers have offered me unlimited terms, but I have always + refused—not that I am a rich man, which makes the temptation of the + thousands I might realise the harder to withstand; 't is not that the gold + is not precious to me, but there is something dearer to me than gold—<i>it + is my character for veracity!</i> and therefore, as I am convinced the + public would not believe the wonders I have witnessed, I confine the + recital of my adventures to the social circle. But what profession affords + such scope for varied incident as that of the soldier? Change of clime, + danger, vicissitude, love, war, privation one day, profusion the next, + darkling dangers, and sparkling joys! Zounds! there's nothing like the + life of a soldier! and, by the powers! I'll give you a song in its + praise.” + </p> + <p> + The proposition was received with cheers, and Tom rattled away these + ringing rhymes— + </p> + <h3> + THE BOWLD SOJER BOY + </h3> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + “Oh there's not a trade that's going + Worth showing, + Or knowing, + Like that from glory growing, + For a bowld sojer boy; + Where right or left we go, + Sure you know, + Friend or foe + Will have the hand or toe + From a bowld sojer boy! + There's not a town we march thro', + But the ladies, looking arch thro' + The window-panes, will search thro' + The ranks to find their joy; + While up the street, + Each girl you meet, + Will look so sly, + Will cry + 'My eye! + Oh, isn't he a darling, the bowld sojer boy!' +</pre> + <h3> + II + </h3> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + “But when we get the route, + How they pout + And they shout + While to the right about + Goes the bowld sojer boy. + Oh, 'tis then that ladies fair + In despair + Tear their hair, + But 'the divil-a-one I care,' + Says the bowld sojer boy. + For the world is all before us, + Where the landladies adore us, + And ne'er refuse to score us, + But chalk us up with joy; + We taste her tap, + We tear her cap'— + 'Oh, that's the chap + For me!' + Says she; + 'Oh, isn't he a darling, the bowld sojer boy.' +</pre> + <h3> + III + </h3> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + “'Then come along with me, + Gramachree, + And you'll see + How happy you will be + With your bowld sojer boy; + 'Faith! if you're up to fun, + With me run; + 'T will be done + In the snapping of a gun,' + Says the bowld sojer boy; + 'And 't is then that, without scandal, + Myself will proudly dandle + The little farthing candle + Of our mutual flame, my joy! + May his light shine + As bright as mine, + Till in the line + He'll blaze, + And raise + The glory of his corps, like a bowld sojer boy!'” + </pre> + <p> + Andy entered the room while the song was in progress, and handed a letter + to Dick, which, after the song was over, and he had asked pardon of his + guests, he opened. + </p> + <p> + “By Jove! you sing right well, colonel,” said one of the party. + </p> + <p> + “I think the gallant colonel's songs nothing in comparison with his <i>wonderful</i> + stories,” said Moriarty. + </p> + <p> + “Gentlemen,” said Dick, “wonderful as the colonel's recitals have been, + this letter conveys a piece of information more surprising than anything + we have heard this day. That stupid fellow who spoiled our champagne has + come in for the inheritance of a large property.” + </p> + <p> + “What!—Handy Andy?” exclaimed those who knew his name. + </p> + <p> + “Handy Andy,” said Dick, “is now a man of fortune!” + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0027" id="link2HCH0027"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XLVIII + </h2> + <p> + It was a note from Squire Egan which conveyed the news to Dick that caused + so much surprise; the details of the case were not even hinted at; the + bare fact alone was mentioned, with a caution to preserve it still a + secret from Andy, and appointing an hour for dinner at “Morrison's” next + day, at which hotel the Squire expected to arrive from the country, with + his lady and Fanny Dawson, <i>en route</i> for London. Till dinner-time, + then, the day following, Dick was obliged to lay by his impatience as to + the “why and wherefore” of Andy's sudden advancement; but, as the morning + was to be occupied with Tom Durfy's wedding, Dick had enough to keep him + engaged in the meantime. + </p> + <p> + At the appointed hour a few of Tom's particular friends were in attendance + to witness the ceremony, or, to use their own phrase, “to see him turned + off,” and among them was Tom Loftus. Dick was holding out his hand to “the + colonel,” when Tom Durfy stepped between, and introduced him under his + real name. The masquerading trick of the night before was laughed at, with + an assurance from Dick that it only fulfilled all he had ever heard of the + Protean powers of a gentleman whom he so much wished to know. A few + minutes' conversation in the recess of a window put Tom Loftus and Dick + the Devil on perfectly good terms, and Loftus proposed to Dick that they + should execute the old-established trick on a bridegroom, of snatching the + first kiss from the bride. + </p> + <p> + “You must get in Tom's way,” said Loftus, “and I'll kiss her.” + </p> + <p> + “Why, the fact is,” said Dick, “I had proposed that pleasure to myself; + and, if it's all the same to you, <i>you</i> can jostle Tom, and <i>I'll</i> + do the remainder in good style, I promise you.” + </p> + <p> + “That I can't agree to,” said Loftus; “but as it appears we both have set + our heart on cheating the bridegroom, let us both start fair, and 't is + odd if between us Tom Durfy is not <i>done</i>” + </p> + <p> + This was agreed upon, and many minutes did not elapse till the bride made + her appearance, and “hostilities were about to commence.” The mutual enemy + of the “high contracting parties” first opened his book, and then his + mouth, and in such solemn tones, that it was enough to frighten <i>even</i> + a widow, much less a bachelor. As the ceremony verged to a conclusion, Tom + Loftus and Dick the Devil edged up towards their 'vantage-ground on either + side of the blooming widow, now nearly finished into a wife, and stood + like greyhounds in the slip, ready to start after puss (only puss ought to + be spelt here with a B). The widow, having been married before, was less + nervous than Durfy, and, suspecting the intended game, determined to foil + both the brigands, who intended to rob the bridegroom of his right; so, + when the last word of the ceremony was spoken, and Loftus and Dick made a + simultaneous dart upon her, she very adroitly ducked, and allowed the two + “ruggers and rievers” to rush into each other's arms, and rub their noses + together, while Tom Durfy and his blooming bride sealed their contract + very agreeably without their noses getting in each other's way. + </p> + <p> + Loftus and Dick had only a laugh at <i>their own</i> expense, instead of a + kiss at <i>Tom's</i>, upon the failure of their plot; but Loftus, in a + whisper to Dick, vowed he would execute a trick upon the “pair of them” + before the day was over. + </p> + <p> + There was a breakfast as usual, and chicken and tongue and wine, which, + taken in the morning, are provocative of eloquence; and, of course, the + proper quantity of healths and toasts were executed <i>selon la règlei,</i> + it was time for the bride and bridegroom to bow and blush and curtsey out + of the room, and make themselves food for a paragraph in the morning + papers, under the title of the “happy pair,” who set off in a handsome + chariot, &c., &c. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <p> + Tom Durfy had engaged a pretty cottage in the neighbourhood of Clontarf to + pass the honeymoon. Tom Loftus knew this, and knew, moreover, that the + sitting-room looked out on a small lawn which lay before the house, + screened by a hedge from the road, but with a circular sweep leading up to + the house, and a gate of ingress and egress at either end of the hedge. In + this sitting-room Tom, after lunch, was pressing his lady fair to take a + glass of champagne, when the entrance-gate was thrown open, and a hackney + jaunting-car with Tom Loftus and a friend or two upon it, driven by a + special ragamuffin blowing a tin horn, rolled up the skimping avenue, and + as it scoured past the windows of the sitting-room, Tom Loftus and the + other passengers kissed hands to the astonished bride and bridegroom, and + shouted, “Wish you joy!” + </p> + <p> + The thing was so sudden that Durfy and the widow, not seeing Loftus, could + hardly comprehend what it meant, and both ran to the window; but just as + they reached it, up drove another car, freighted with two or three more + wild rascals who followed the lead which had been given them; and as a + long train of cars were seen in the distance all driving up to the avenue, + the widow, with a timid little scream, threw her handkerchief over her + face and ran into a corner. Tom did not know whether to laugh or be angry, + but, being a good-humoured fellow, he satisfied himself with a few oaths + against the incorrigible Loftus, and when the <i>cortège</i> had passed, + endeavoured to restore the startled fair one to her serenity. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <p> + Squire Egan and party arrived at the appointed hour at their hotel, where + Dick was waiting to receive them, and, of course, his inquiries were + immediately directed to the extraordinary circumstance of Andy's + elevation, the details of which he desired to know. These we shall not + give in the expanded form in which Dick heard them, but endeavour to + condense, as much as possible, within the limits to which we are + prescribed. + </p> + <p> + The title of Scatterbrain had never been inherited directly from father to + son; it had descended in a zigzag fashion, most appropriate to the name, + nephews and cousins having come in for the coronet and the property for + some generations. The late lord had led a <i>roué</i> bachelor life up to + the age of sixty, and then thought it not worth while to marry, though + many mammas and daughters spread their nets and arrayed their charms to + entrap the sexagenarian. + </p> + <p> + The truth was, he had quaffed the cup of licentious pleasure all his life, + after which he thought matrimony would prove insipid. The mere novelty + induces some men, under similar circumstances, to try the holy estate; but + matrimony could not offer to Lord Scatterbrain the charms of novelty, for + <i>he had been</i> once married, though no one but himself was cognisant + of the fact. + </p> + <p> + The reader will certainly say, “Here's an Irish bull; how could a man be + married, without, at least, a woman and a priest being joint possessors of + the secret?” + </p> + <p> + Listen, gentle reader, and you shall hear how none but Lord Scatterbrain + knew Lord Scatterbrain was married. + </p> + <p> + There was nothing at which he ever stopped for the gratification of his + passions—no wealth he would not squander, no deceit he would not + practise, no disguise he would not assume. Therefore, gold, and falsehood, + and masquerading were extensively employed by this reckless <i>roué</i> in + the service of Venus, in which service, combined with that of Bacchus, his + life was entirely passed. + </p> + <p> + Often he assumed the guise of a man in humble life, to approximate some + object of his desire, whom fine clothes and bribery would have instantly + warned and in too many cases his artifices were successful. It was in one + of these adventures he cast his eyes upon the woman hitherto known in this + story under the name of the Widow Rooney; but all his practices against + her virtue were unavailing, and nothing but a marriage could accomplish + what he had set his fancy upon but even <i>this</i> would not stop him, <i>for + he married her</i>. + </p> + <p> + The Widow Rooney has appeared no very inviting personage through these + pages, and the reader may wonder that a man of rank could proceed to such + desperate lengths upon such slight temptation; but, gentle reader, she was + young and attractive when she was married—never to say <i>handsome</i>, + but good-looking decidedly, and with that sort of figure which is + comprehended in the phrase “a fine girl.” + </p> + <p> + And has that fine girl altered into the Widow Rooney? Ah! poverty and + hardship are sore trials to the body as well as to the mind. Too little is + it considered, while we gaze on aristocratic beauty, how much good food, + soft lying, warm wrapping, ease of mind, have to do with the attractions + which command our admiration. Many a hand moulded by nature to give + elegance of form to a kid glove, is “stinted of its fair proportion” by + grubbing toil. The foot which might have excited the admiration of a + ball-room, peeping under a flounce of lace in a satin shoe, and treading + the mazy dance, <i>will</i> grow coarse and broad by tramping in its + native state over toilsome miles, bearing perchance to a market town some + few eggs, whose whole produce would not purchase the sandal-tie of my + lady's slipper; will grow red and rough by standing in wet trenches, and + feeling the winter's frost. The neck on which diamonds might have worthily + sparkled, will look less tempting when the biting winter has hung icicles + there for gems. Cheeks formed as fresh for dimpling blushes, eyes as well + to sparkle, and lips to smile, as those which shed their brightness and + their witchery in the tapestried saloon, will grow pale with want, and + forget their dimples, when smiles are not there to wake them; lips become + compressed and drawn with anxious thought, and eyes the brightest are + quenched of their fires by many tears. + </p> + <p> + Of all these trials poor Widow Rooney had enough. Her husband, after + living with her a month, in the character of a steward to some great man + in a distant part of the country, left her one day for the purpose of + transacting business at a fair, which, he said, would require his absence + for some time. At the end of a week, a letter was sent to her, stating + that the make-believe steward had robbed his master extensively, and had + fled to America, whence he promised to write to her, and send her means to + follow him, requesting, in the meantime, her silence, in case any inquiry + should be made about him. This villanous trick was played off the more + readily, from the fact that a steward had absconded at the time, and the + difference in the name the cruel profligate accounted for by saying that, + as he was hiding at the moment he married her, he had assumed another + name. + </p> + <p> + The poor deserted girl, fully believing this trumped-up tale, obeyed with + unflinching fidelity the injunctions of her betrayer; and while reports + were flying abroad of the absconded steward, she never breathed a word of, + what had been confided to her, and accounted for the absence of “Rooney” + in various ways of her own; so that all trace of the profligate was lost, + by her remaining inactive in making the smallest inquiry about him, and + her very fidelity to her betrayer became the means of her losing all power + of procuring his discovery. For months she trusted all was right; but when + moon followed moon, and she gave birth to a boy without hearing one word + of his father, misgiving came upon her, and the only consolation left her + was, that, though she was deserted, and a child left on her hands, still + she was <i>an honest woman</i>. That child was the hero of our tale. The + neighbours passed some ill-natured remarks about her, when it began to be + suspected that her husband would never let her know more about him; for + she had been rather a saucy lady, holding up her nose at poor men, and + triumphing in her catching of the “steward,” a man well to do in the + world; and it may be remembered, that this same spirit existed in her when + Andy's rumoured marriage with Matty gave the prospect of her affairs being + retrieved, for she displayed her love of pre-eminence to the very first + person who gave her the good news. The ill-nature of her neighbours, + however, after the birth of her child and the desertion of her husband, + inducing her to leave the scene of her unmerited wrongs and annoyances, + she suddenly decamped, and, removing to another part of Ireland, the poor + woman began a life of hardship, to support herself and rear the offspring + of her unfortunate marriage. In this task she was worthily assisted by one + of her brothers, who pitied her condition, and joined her in her retreat. + He married in course of time, and his wife died in giving birth to Oonah, + who was soon deprived of her other parent by typhus fever, that terrible + scourge of the poor; so that the praiseworthy desire of the brother to + befriend his sister only involved her, as it happened, in the deeper + difficulty of supporting two children instead of one. This she did + heroically, and the orphan girl rewarded her, by proving a greater comfort + than her own child; for Andy had inherited in all its raciness the blood + of the Scatterbrains, and his deeds, as recorded in this history, prove he + was no unworthy representative of that illustrious title. To return to his + father—who had done the grievous wrong to the poor peasant girl: he + lived his life of profligacy through, and in a foreign country died at + last; but on his death-bed the scourge of conscience rendered every + helpless hour an age of woe. Bitterest of all was the thought of the wife + deceived, deserted, and unacknowledged. To face his last account with such + fearful crime upon his head he dared not, and made all the reparation now + in his power, by avowing his marriage in his last will and testament, and + giving all the information in his power to trace his wife, if living, or + his heir, if such existed. He enjoined, by the most sacred injunctions + upon him to whom the charge was committed, that neither cost nor trouble + should be spared in the search, leaving a large sum in ready money + besides, to establish the right, in case his nephew disputed the will. By + his own order, his death was kept secret, and secretly his agent set to + work to discover any trace of the heir. This, in consequence of the woman + changing her place of abode, became more difficult and it was not until + after very minute inquiry that some trace was picked up, and a letter + written to the parish priest of the district to which she had removed, + making certain general inquiries. It was found, on comparing dates some + time after, that it was this very letter to Father Blake which Andy had + purloined from the post-office, and the Squire had thrown into the fire; + so that our hero was very near, by his blundering, destroying his own + fortune. Luckily for him, however, an untiring and intelligent agent was + engaged in his cause, and a subsequent inquiry, and finally a personal + visit to Father Blake, cleared the matter up satisfactorily, and the widow + was enabled to produce such proof of her identity, and that of her son, + that Handy Andy was indisputably Lord Scatterbrain; and the whole affair + was managed so secretly, that the death of the late lord, and the claim of + title and estates in the name of the rightful heir, were announced at the + same moment; and the “Honourable Sackville,” instead of coming into + possession of the peerage and property, and fighting his adversary at the + great advantage of possession, could only commence a suit to drive him + out, if he sued at all. + </p> + <p> + Our limits compel us to this brief sketch of the circumstances through + which Handy Andy was entitled to and became possessed of a property and a + title, and we must now say something of the effects produced by the + intelligence on the parties most concerned. + </p> + <p> + The Honourable Sackville Scatterbrain, on the advice of high legal + authority, did not attempt to dispute a succession of which such + satisfactory proofs existed, and, fortunately for himself, had knocked up + a watering-place match, while he was yet in the bloom of heirship <i>presumptive</i> + to a peerage, with the daughter of an English <i>millionaire</i>. + </p> + <p> + When the Widow Rooney heard the extraordinary turn affairs had taken, her + emotions, after the first few hours of pleasurable surprise, partook of + regret rather than satisfaction. She looked upon her past life of + suffering, and felt as if Fate had cheated her. She, a peeress, had passed + her life in poverty and suffering, with contempt from those over whom she + had superior rights; and the few years of the prosperous future before her + offered her poor compensation for the pinching past. But after such + selfish considerations, the maternal feeling came to her relief, and she + rejoiced that <i>her son</i> was a lord. But then came the terrible + thought of his marriage to dash her joy and triumph. + </p> + <p> + This was a source of grief to Oonah as well. “If he wasn't married,” she + would say to herself, “I might be <i>Lady</i> Scatterbrain;” and the tears + would burst through poor Oonah's fingers as she held them up to her eyes + and sobbed heavily, till the poor girl would try to gather consolation + from the thought that, maybe, Andy's altered circumstances would make <i>her</i> + disregarded. “There would be plenty to have him now,” thought she, “and he + wouldn't think of me, maybe—so 't is well as it is.” + </p> + <p> + When Andy heard that he was a lord—a real lord—and, after the + first shock of astonishment, could comprehend that wealth and power were + in his possession, he, though the most interested person, never thought, + as the two women had done, of the desperate strait in which his marriage + placed him, but broke out into short peals of laughter, and exclaimed in + the intervals, “that it was mighty quare;” and when, after much + questioning, any intelligible desire he had could be understood, the first + one he clearly expressed was <i>“to have a goold watch.”</i> + </p> + <p> + He was made, however, to understand that other things than “goold watches” + were of more importance; and the Squire, with his characteristic good + nature, endeavoured to open Andy's comprehension to the nature of his + altered situation. This, it may be supposed, was rather a complicated + piece of work, and too difficult to be set down in black and white; the + most intelligible portions to Andy were his immediate removal from + servitude, and a ready-made suit of gentlemanly apparel, which made Andy + pay several visits to the looking-glass. Good-natured as the Squire was, + it would have been equally awkward to him as to Andy for the newly fledged + lord, though a lord, to have a seat at his table, neither could he remain + in an inferior position in his house; so Dick, who loved fun, volunteered + to take Andy under his especial care to London, and let him share his + lodgings, as a bachelor may do many things which a man surrounded by his + family cannot. Besides, in a place distant from such extraordinary chances + and changes as those which befell our hero, the sudden and startling + difference of position of the parties not being known renders it possible + for a gentleman to do the good-natured thing which Dick undertook, without + compromising himself. In Dublin it would not have done for Dick Dawson to + allow the man who would have held his horse the day before, to share the + same board with him merely because Fortune had played one of her frolics + and made Andy a lord; but in London the case was different. + </p> + <p> + To London therefore they proceeded. The incidents of the journey, + sea-sickness included, which so astonished the new traveller, we pass + over, as well as the numberless mistakes in the great metropolis, which + afforded Dick plentiful amusement, though, in truth, Dick had better + objects in view than laughing at Andy's embarrassments in his new + position. He really wished to help him in the difficult path into which + the new lord had been thrust, and did this in a merry sort of way more + successfully than by serious drilling. It was hard to break Andy of the + habit of saying “Misther Dick,” when addressing him, but, at last, + “Misther Dawson” was established. Eating with his knife, drinking as + loudly as a horse, and other like accomplishments, were not so easily got + under, yet it was wonderful how much he improved, as his shyness grew + less, and his consciousness of being a lord grew stronger. + </p> + <p> + But, if the good nature of Dick had not prompted him to take Andy into + training, the newly discovered nobleman would not have long been in want + of society. It was wonderful how many persons were eager to show civility + to his lordship, and some amongst them even went so far as to discover + relationship. Plenty were soon ready to take Lord Scatterbrain here, and + escort him there, accompany him to exhibitions and other public places, + and charmed all the time with his lordship's remarks—“they were so + original”—“quite delightful to meet something so fresh”—“how + remarkably clever the Irish were!” Such were among the observations his + ignorant blunders produced; and he who, as Handy Andy, had been + anathematised all his life as a “stupid rascal,” “a blundering thief,” “a + thick-headed brute,” &c., under the title of Lord Scatterbrain all of + a sudden was voted “vastly amusing—a little eccentric, perhaps, but + <i>so</i> droll—in fact, so witty!” This was all very delightful for + Andy—so delightful that he quite forgot Bridget <i>rhua</i>. But + that lady did not leave him long in his happy obliviousness. One day, + while Dick was absent, and Andy rocking on a chair before the fire, + twirling the massive gold chain of his gold watch round his forefinger, + and uncoiling it again, his repose was suddenly disturbed by the + appearance of Bridget herself, accompanied by <i>Shan More</i> and a + shrimp of a man in rusty black, who turned out to be a shabby attorney who + advanced money to convey his lady client and her brother to London, for + the purpose of making a dash at the lord at once, and securing a handsome + sum by a <i>coup de main</i>. + </p> + <p> + Andy, though taken by surprise, was resolute. Bitter words were exchanged; + and as they seemed likely to lead to blows, Andy prudently laid hold of + the poker, and, in language not quite suited to a noble lord, swore he + would see what the inside of <i>Shan More's</i> head was made of, if he + attempted to advance upon him. Bridget screamed and scolded, while the + attorney endeavoured to keep the peace, and, beyond everything, urged Lord + Scatterbrain to enter at once into written engagements for a handsome + settlement upon his “lady.” + </p> + <p> + “Lady!” exclaimed Andy; “oh!—a pretty <i>lady</i> she is!” + </p> + <p> + “I'm as good a lady as you are a lord, anyhow,” cried Bridget. + </p> + <p> + “Altercation will do no good, my lord and my lady,” said the attorney; + “let me suggest the propriety of your writing an engagement at once;” and + the little man pushed pen, ink, and paper towards Andy. + </p> + <p> + “I can't, I tell you!” cried Andy. + </p> + <p> + “You must!” roared <i>Shan More</i>. + </p> + <p> + “Bad luck to you, how can I when I never larned?” + </p> + <p> + “Your lordship can make your mark,” said the attorney. + </p> + <p> + “'Faith I can—with a poker,” cried Andy; “and you'd better take + care, master parchment. Make my mark, indeed!—do you think I'd + disgrace the House o' Peers by lettin' on that a lord couldn't write?—Quit + the buildin', I tell you!” + </p> + <p> + In the midst of the row, which now rose to a tremendous pitch, Dick + returned; and after a severe reprimand to the pettifogger for his sinister + attempt on Andy, referred him to Lord Scatterbrain's solicitor. It was not + such an easy matter to silence Bridget, who extended her claws towards her + lord and master in a very menacing manner, calling down bitter + imprecations on her own head if she wouldn't have her rights. + </p> + <p> + Every now and then between the bursts of the storm Andy would exclaim, + “Get out!” + </p> + <p> + “My lord,” said Dick, “remember your dignity.” + </p> + <p> + “Av coorse!” said Andy; “but still she must get out!” + </p> + <p> + The house was at last cleared of the uproarious party; but though Andy got + rid of their presence, they left their sting behind. Lord Scatterbrain + felt, for the first time, that a lord can be very unhappy. + </p> + <p> + Dick hurried him away at once to the chambers of the law agent, but he, + being closeted on some very important business with another client on + their arrival, returned an answer to their application for a conference, + which they forwarded through the double doors of this sanctum by a + hard-looking man with a pen behind his ear, that he could not have the + pleasure of seeing them till the next morning. Lord Scatterbrain passed a + more unhappy night than he had ever done in his life—even than that + when he was tied up to the old tree—croaked at by ravens, and the + despised of rats. + </p> + <p> + Negotiations were opened the next day between the pettifogger on Bridget's + side and the law agent of the noble lord, and the arguments, <i>pro and + con.,</i> lay thus: + </p> + <p> + In the first place, the opening declaration was—Lord Scatterbrain + never would live with the aforesaid Bridget. + </p> + <p> + Answered—that nevertheless, as she was his lawful wife, a provision + suitable to her rank must be made. + </p> + <p> + They (the claimants) were asked to name a sum. + </p> + <p> + The sum was considered exorbitant; it being argued that when her husband + had determined never to live with her, he was in a far different + condition, therefore it was unfair to seek so large a separate maintenance + now. + </p> + <p> + The pettifogger threatened that Lady Scatterbrain would run in debt, which + Lord Scatterbrain must discharge. My Lord's agent suggested that my Lady + would be advertised in the public papers, and the public cautioned against + giving her credit. + </p> + <p> + A sum could not be agreed upon, though a fair one was offered on Andy's + part; for the greediness of the pettifogger, who was to have a share of + the plunder, made him hold out for more, and negotiations were broken off + for some days. + </p> + <p> + Poor Andy was in a wretched state of vexation. It was bad enough that he + was married to this abominable woman, without an additional plague of + being persecuted by her. To such an amount this rose at last, that she and + her big brother dodged him every time he left the house, so that in + self-defence he was obliged to become a close prisoner in his own + lodgings. All this at last became so intolerable to the captive, that he + urged a speedy settlement of the vexatious question, and a larger separate + maintenance was granted to the detestable woman than would otherwise have + been ceded, the only stipulation of a stringent nature made being, that + Lord Scatterbrain should be free from the persecutions of his hateful wife + for the future. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0028" id="link2HCH0028"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XLIX + </h2> + <p> + Squire Egan, with his lady and Fanny Dawson, had now arrived in London; + Murtough Murphy, too, had joined them, his services being requisite in + working the petition against the return of the sitting member for the + county. This had so much promise of success about it, that the opposite + party, who had the sheriff for the county in their interest, bethought of + a novel expedient to frustrate the petition when a reference to the poll + was required. + </p> + <p> + They declared the principal poll-book was lost. + </p> + <p> + This seemed not very satisfactory to one side of the committee, and the + question was asked, “how could it be lost?” The answer was one which Irish + contrivance alone could have invented: <i>“It fell into a pot of broth, + and the dog ate it.”</i> [Footnote: If not this identical answer, + something like it was given on a disputed Irish election, before a + Committee of the House of Commons.] + </p> + <p> + This protracted the contest for some time; but eventually, in spite of the + dog's devouring knowledge so greedily, the Squire was declared duly + elected and took the oaths and his seat for the county. + </p> + <p> + It was hard on Sackville Scatterbrain to lose his seat in the house and a + peerage, nearly at once; but the latter loss threw the former so far into + the shade, that he scarcely felt it. Besides, he could console himself + with having buttered his crumbs pretty well in the marriage-market; and, + with a rich wife, retired from senatorial drudgery to private repose, + which was much more congenial to his easy temper. + </p> + <p> + But while the Squire's happy family circle was rejoicing in his triumph—while + he was invited to the Speaker's dinners, and the ladies were looking + forward to tickets for “the lantern,” their pleasure was suddenly dashed + by fatal news from Ireland. + </p> + <p> + A serious accident had befallen Major Dawson—so serious, that his + life was despaired of; and an immediate return to Ireland by all who were + interested in his life was the consequence. + </p> + <p> + Though the suddenness of this painful event shocked his family, the act + which caused it did not surprise them; for it was one against which Major + Dawson had been repeatedly cautioned, involving a danger he had been + affectionately requested not to tempt; but the habitual obstinacy of his + nature prevailed, and he persisted in doing that which his son—and + his daughters—and friends—prophesied <i>would</i> kill him + some time or other, and <i>did</i>, at last. The Major had three little + iron guns, mounted on carriages, on a terrace in front of his house; and + it was his wont to fire a salute on certain festival days from these guns, + which, from age and exposure to the weather, became dangerous to use. It + was in vain that this danger was represented to him. He would reply, with + his accustomed “Pooh, pooh! I have been firing these guns for forty years, + and they won't do me any harm now.” + </p> + <p> + This was the prime fault of the Major's character. Time and circumstances + were never taken into account by him; what was done once, might be done <i>always</i>—<i>ought</i> + to be done always. The bare thought of change of any sort, to him, was + unbearable; and whether it was a rotten old law or a rotten old gun, he + would charge both up to the muzzle and fire away, regardless of + consequences. The result was, that on a certain festival his <i>favourite</i> + gun burst in discharging; and the last mortal act of which the Major was + conscious, was that of putting the port-fire to the touchhole, for a heavy + splinter of iron struck him on the head, and though he lived for some days + afterwards, he was insensible. Before his children arrived he was no more; + and the only duty left them to perform was the melancholy one of ordering + his funeral. + </p> + <p> + The obsequies of the old Major were honoured by a large and distinguished + attendance from all parts of the country; and amongst those who bore the + pall was Edward O'Connor, who had the melancholy gratification of + testifying his respect beside the grave of Fanny's father, though the + severe old man had banished him from his presence during his lifetime. + </p> + <p> + But now all obstacle to the union of Edward and Fanny was removed; and + after the lapse of a few days had softened the bitter grief which this + sudden bereavement of her father had produced, Edward received a note from + Dick, inviting him to the manor-house, where <i>all</i> would be glad to + see him. + </p> + <p> + In a few minutes after the receipt of that note Edward was in his saddle, + and swiftly leaving the miles behind him till, from the top of a rising + ground, the roof of the manor-house appeared above the trees in which it + was embosomed. He had not till then slackened his speed; but now drawing + rein, he proceeded at a slower pace towards the house he had not entered + for some years, and the sight of which awakened such varied emotions. + </p> + <p> + To return after long years of painful absence to some place which has been + the scene of our former joys, and whence the force of circumstance, and + not choice, has driven us, is oppressive to the heart. There is a mixed + sense of regret and rejoicing, which struggle for predominance; we rejoice + that our term of exile has expired, but we regret the years which that + exile has deducted from the brief amount of human life, never to be + recalled, and therefore as so much <i>lost</i> to us. We think of the + wrong or the caprice of which we have been the victims, and thoughts will + stray across the most confiding heart, if friends shall meet as fondly as + they parted; or if time, while impressing deeper marks upon the <i>outward</i> + form, may have obliterated some impressions <i>within</i>. Who has + returned after years of absence, however assured of the unflinching + fidelity of the love he left behind, without saying to himself, in the + pardonable yearning of affection, “Shall I meet smiles as bright as those + that used to welcome me? Shall I be pressed as fondly within the arms + whose encompassment were to me the pale of all earthly enjoyment?” + </p> + <p> + Such thoughts crowded on Edward as he approached the house. There was not + a lane, or tree, or hedge, by the way, that had not for him its + association. He reached the avenue gate; as he flung it open he remembered + the last time he passed it; Fanny had then leaned on his arm. He felt + himself so much excited, that, instead of riding up to the house, he took + the private path to the stables, and throwing down the reins to a boy, he + turned into a shrubbery and endeavoured to recover his self-command before + he should present himself. As he emerged from the sheltered path and + turned into a walk which led to the garden, a small conservatory was + opened to his view, awaking fresh sensations. It was in that very place he + had first ventured to declare his love to Fanny. There she heard and + frowned not; there, where nature's choicest sweets were exhaling, he had + first pressed her to his heart, and thought the balmy sweetness of her + lips beyond them all. He hurried forward in the enthusiasm the + recollection recalled, to enter that spot consecrated in his memory; but + on arriving at the door, he suddenly stopped, for he saw Fanny within. She + was plucking a geranium—the flower she had been plucking some years + before, when Edward said he loved her. She, all that morning, had been + under the influence of feelings similar to Edward's; had felt the same + yearnings—the same tender doubts—the same fond solicitude that + he should be the same Edward from whom she parted. But she thought of <i>more</i> + than this; with the exquisitely delicate contrivance belonging to woman's + nature, she wished to give him a signal of her fond recollection, and was + plucking the flower she gathered when he declared his love, to place on + her bosom when they should meet. Edward felt the meaning of her action, as + the graceful hand broke the flower from its stem. He would have rushed + towards her at once, but that the deep mourning in which she was arrayed + seemed to command a gentler approach; for grief commands respect. He + advanced softly—she heard a gentle step behind her—turned—uttered + a faint exclamation of joy, and sank into his arms! In a few moments she + recovered her consciousness, and opening her sweet eyes upon him, breathed + softly, “dear Edward!”—and the lips which, in two words, had + expressed so much, were impressed with a fervent kiss in the blessed + consciousness of possession, on that very spot where the first timid and + doubting word of love had been spoken. + </p> + <p> + In that moment he was rewarded for all his years of absence and anxiety. + His heart was satisfied; he felt he was dear as ever to the woman he + idolised, and the short and hurried beating of <i>both</i> their hearts + told more than words could express. Words!—what were words to them?—thought + was too swift for their use, and feeling too strong for their utterance; + but they drank from each other's eyes large draughts of delight, and, in + the silent pressure of each other's welcoming embrace, felt how truly they + loved each other. + </p> + <p> + He led her gently from the conservatory, and they exchanged words of + affection “soft and low,” as they sauntered through the wooded path which + surrounded the house. That live-long day they wandered up and down + together, repeating again and again the anxious yearnings which occupied + their years of separation, yet asking each other was not all more than + repaid by the gladness of the present— + </p> + <p> + “Yet <i>how</i> painful has been the past!” exclaimed Edward. + </p> + <p> + “But <i>now!</i>” said Fanny, with a gentle pressure of her tiny hand on + Edward's arm, and looking up to him with her bright eyes—“but <i>now!</i>” + </p> + <p> + “True, darling!” he cried; “'tis ungrateful to think of the past while + enjoying such a present and with such a future before me. Bless that + cheerful heart, and those hope-inspiring glances! Oh, Fanny! in the + wilderness of life there are springs and palm-trees—you are both to + me! and heaven has set its own mark upon you in those laughing blue eyes + which might set despair at defiance.” + </p> + <p> + “Poetical as ever, Edward!” said Fanny, laughing. + </p> + <p> + “Sit down, dearest, for a moment, on this old tree, beside me; 'tis not + the first time I have strung rhymes in your presence and your praise.” He + took a small note-book from his pocket, and Fanny looked on smilingly as + Edward's pencil rapidly ran over the leaf and traced the lover's tribute + to his mistress. + </p> + <h3> + THE SUNSHINE IN YOU + </h3> + <h3> + I + </h3> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + “It is sweet when we look round the wide world's waste + To know that the desert bestows + The palms where the weary heart may rest, + The spring that in purity flows. + And where have I found + In this wilderness round + That spring and that shelter so true; + Unfailing in need, + And my own, indeed?— + Oh! dearest, I've found it in you! +</pre> + <h3> + II + </h3> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + “And, oh when the cloud of some darkening hour + O'ershadows the soul with its gloom, + Then where is the light of the vestal pow'r, + The lamp of pale Hope to illume? + Oh! the light ever lies + In those bright fond eyes, + Where Heaven has impressed its own blue + As a seal from the skies + As my heart relies + On that gift of its sunshine in you!” + </pre> + <p> + Fanny liked the lines, of course. “Dearest,” she said, “may I always prove + sunshine to you! Is it not a strange coincidence that these lines exactly + fit a little air which occurred to me some time ago?” + </p> + <p> + “'Tis odd,” said Edward; “sing it to me, darling.” + </p> + <p> + Fanny took the verses from his hand, and sung them to her own measure. Oh, + happy triumph of the poet!—to hear his verses wedded to sweet + sounds, and warbled by the woman he loves! Edward caught up the strain, + adding his voice to hers in harmony, and thus they sauntered homewards, + trolling their ready-made duet together. There were not two happier hearts + in the world that day than those of Fanny Dawson and Edward O'Connor. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0029" id="link2HCH0029"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER L + </h2> + <p> + Respect for the memory of Major Dawson of course prevented the immediate + marriage of Edward and Fanny; but the winter months passed cheerfully away + in looking forward to the following autumn which should witness the + completion of their happiness. Though Edward was thus tempted by the + society of the one he loved best in the world, it did not make him neglect + the duties he had undertaken in behalf of Gustavus. Not only did he + prosecute his reading with him regularly, but he took no small pains in + looking after the involved affairs of the family, and strove to make + satisfactory arrangements with those whose claims were gnawing away the + estate to nothing. Though the years of Gusty's minority were but few, + still they would give the estate some breathing-time; and creditors, + seeing the minor backed by a man of character, and convinced a sincere + desire existed to relieve the estate of its encumbrances and pay all just + claims, presented a less threatening front than hitherto, and listened + readily to such terms of accommodation as were proposed to them. Uncle + Robert (for the breaking of whose neck Ratty's pious aspirations had been + raised) behaved very well on the occasion. A loan from him, and a partial + sale of some of the acres, stopped the mouths of the greedy wolves who + fatten on men's ruin, and time and economy were looked forward to for the + discharge of all other debts. Uncle Robert, having so far acted the + friend, was considered entitled to have a partial voice in the ordering of + things at the Hall; and having a notion that an English accent was + genteel, he desired that Gusty and Ratty should pass a year under the roof + of a clergyman in England, who received a limited number of young + gentlemen for the completion of their education. Gustavus would much + rather have remained near Edward O'Connor, who had already done so much + for him; but Edward, though he regretted parting with Gustavus, + recommended him to accede to his uncle's wishes, though he did not see the + necessity of an Irish gentleman being ashamed of his accent. + </p> + <p> + The visit to England, however, was postponed till the spring, and the + winter months were used by Gustavus in availing himself as much as he + could of Edward's assistance in putting him through his classics, his + pride prompting him to present himself creditably to the English + clergyman. + </p> + <p> + It was in vain to plead <i>such</i> pride to Ratty, who paid more + attention to shooting than his lessons. His mother strove to persuade—Ratty + was deaf. His “gran” strove to bribe—Ratty was incorruptible. Gusty + argued—Ratty answered after his own fashion. + </p> + <p> + “Why won't you learn even a little?” + </p> + <p> + “I'm to go to that 'English fellow' in spring, and I shall have no fun + then, so I'm making good use of my time now.” + </p> + <p> + “Do you call it 'good use' to be so dreadfully idle and shamefully + ignorant?” + </p> + <p> + “Bother!—the less I know, the more the English fellow will have to + teach me, and Uncle Bob will have more worth for his money;” and then + Ratty would whistle a jig, fling a fowling-piece over his shoulder, and + shout “Ponto! Ponto! Ponto!” as he traversed the stable-yard; the + delighted pointer would come bounding at the call, and, after circling + round his young master with agile grace and yelps of glee at the sight of + the gun, dash forward to the well-known “bottoms” in eager expectancy of + ducks and snipe. How fared it all this time with the lord of Scatterbrain? + He became established, for the present, in a house that had been a long + time to let in the neighbourhood, and his mother was placed at the head of + it, and Oonah still remained under his protection, though the daily sight + of the girl added to Andy's grief at the desperate plight in which his + ill-starred marriage placed him, to say nothing of the constant annoyance + of his mother's growling at him for his making “such a Judy of himself;” + for the dowager Lady Scatterbrain could not get rid of her vocabulary at + once. Andy's only resource under these circumstances was to mount his + horse and fly. + </p> + <p> + As for the dowager Lady Scatterbrain, she had a carriage with “a picture” + on it, as she called the coat of arms, and was fond of driving past the + houses of people who had been uncivil to her. Against Mrs. Casey (the + renowned Matty Dwyer) she entertained an especial spite, in consideration + of her treatment of her beautiful boy and her own pair of black eyes; so + she determined to “pay her off” in her own way, and stopping one day at + the hole in the hedge which served for entrance to the estate of the + “three-cornered field,” she sent the footman in to say the <i>dowjer</i> + Lady Scatter<i>breen</i> wanted to speak with “Casey's wife.” + </p> + <p> + When the servant, according to instructions, delivered this message, he + was sent back with the answer, “that if any lady wanted to see Casey's + wife, 'Casey's wife,' was at home.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, go back, and tell the poor woman I don't want to bring her to the + door of my carriage, if it's inconvaynient. I only wished to give her a + little help; and tell her if she sends up eggs to the big house, Lady + Scatterbreen will pay her for them.” + </p> + <p> + When the servant delivered this message, Matty grew outrageous at the + means “my lady” took of crowing over her, and rushing to the door, with + her face flushed with rage, roared out, “Tell the old baggage I want none + of her custom; let her lay eggs for herself.” + </p> + <p> + The servant staggered back in amaze; and Matty, feeling he would not + deliver her message, ran to the hole in the hedge and repeated her answer + to my lady herself, with a great deal more which need not be recorded. + Suffice it to say, my lady thought it necessary to pull up the glass, + against which Matty threw a handful of mud; the servant jumped up on his + perch behind the carriage, which was rapidly driven away by the coachman, + but not so fast that Matty could not, by dint of running, keep it “within + range” for some seconds, during which time she contrived to pelt both + coachman and footman with mud, and leave her mark on their new livery. + This was a salutary warning to the old woman, who was more cautious in her + demonstrations of grandeur for the future. If she was stinted in the + enjoyment of her new-born dignity abroad, she could indulge it at home + without let or hindrance, and to this end asked Andy to let her have a + hundred pounds, in one-pound notes, for a particular purpose. What this + purpose was no one was told or could guess, but for a good while after she + used to be closeted by herself for several hours during the day. + </p> + <p> + Andy had his hours of retirement also, for with praiseworthy industry he + strove hard, poor fellow, to lift himself above the state of ignorance, + and had daily attendance from the parish schoolmaster. The mysteries of + “pothooks and hangers” and ABC weighed heavily on the nobleman's mind, + which must have sunk under the burden of scholarship and penmanship, but + for the other “ship”—the horsemanship—which was Andy's daily + self-established reward for his perseverance in his lessons. Besides he + really <i>could</i> ride; and as it was the only accomplishment of which + he was master, it was no wonder he enjoyed the display of it; and, to say + the truth, he did, and that on a first-rate horse too. Having appointed + Murtough Murphy his law-agent, he often rode over to the town to talk with + him, and as Murtough could have some fun and thirteen and fourpence also + per visit, he was always glad to see his “noble friend.” The high road did + not suit Andy's notion of things; he preferred the variety, shortness, and + diversion of going across the country on these occasions; and in one of + these excursions, in the most secluded portion of his ride, which + unavoidably lay through some quarries and deep broken ground, he met + “Ragged Nance,” who held up her finger as he approached the gorge of this + lonely dell, in token that she would speak with him. Andy pulled up. + </p> + <p> + “Long life to you, my lord,” said Nance, dropping a deep curtsey, “and + sure I always liked you since the night you was so bowld for the sake of + the poor girl—the young lady, I mane, now, God bless her—and I + just wish to tell you, my lord, that I think you might as well not be + going these lonely ways, for I see <i>them</i> hanging about here betimes, + that maybe it would not be good for your health to meet; and sure, my + lord, it would be a hard case if you were killed now, havin' the luck of + the sick calf that lived all the winther and died in the summer.” + </p> + <p> + “Is it that big blackguard, <i>Shan More</i>, you mane?” said Andy. + </p> + <p> + “No less,” said Nance—growing deadly pale as she cast a piercing + glance into the dell, and cried, in a low, hurried tone—“Talk of the + divil—and there he is—I see him peep out from behind a rock.” + </p> + <p> + “He's running this way,” said Andy. + </p> + <p> + “Then you run the other way,” said Nance; “look there—I see him + strive to hide a blunderbuss under his coat—gallop off, for the love + o' God! or there'll be murther.” + </p> + <p> + “Maybe there will be that same,” said Andy, “if I leave you here, and he + suspects you gave me the hard word.” [Footnote: “Hard word” implies a + caution.] + </p> + <p> + “Never mind me,” said Nance, “save yourself—see, he's moving fast, + he'll be near enough to you soon to fire.” + </p> + <p> + “Get up behind me,” said Andy; “I won't leave you here.” + </p> + <p> + “Run, I tell you.” + </p> + <p> + “I won't.” + </p> + <p> + “God bless you, then,” said the woman, as Andy held out his hand and + gripped hers firmly. + </p> + <p> + “Put your foot on mine,” said Andy. + </p> + <p> + The woman obeyed, and was soon seated behind our hero, gripping him fast + by the waist, while he pushed his horse to a fast canter. + </p> + <p> + “Hold hard now,” said Andy, “for there's a stiff jump here.” As he + approached the ditch of which he spoke, two men sprang up from it, and one + fired, as Andy cleared the leap in good style, Nance holding on gallantly. + The horse was not many strokes on the opposite side, when another shot was + fired in their rear, followed by a scream from the woman. To Andy's + inquiry, if she was “kilt,” she replied in the negative, but said “they + hurt her sore,” and she was “bleeding a power;” but that she could still + hold on, however, and urged him to speed. The clearance of one or two more + leaps gave her grievous pain; but a large common soon opened before them, + which was skirted by a road leading directly to a farm-house, where Andy + left the wounded woman, and then galloped off for medical aid; this soon + arrived, and the wound was found not to be dangerous, though painful. The + bullet had struck and pierced a tin vessel of a bottle form, in which + Nance carried the liquid gratuities of the charitable, and this not only + deadened the force of the ball, but glanced it also; and the escapement of + the butter-milk, which the vessel contained, Nance had mistaken for the + effusion of her own blood. It was a clear case, however, that if Nance had + not been sitting behind Andy, Lord Scatterbrain would have been a dead + man, so that his gratitude and gallantry towards the poor beggar woman + proved the means of preserving his own life. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0030" id="link2HCH0030"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER LI + </h2> + <p> + The news of the attack on Lord Scatterbrain ran over the country like + wildfire, and his conduct throughout the affair raised his character + wonderfully in the opinion of all classes. Many who had hitherto held + aloof from the mushroom lord, came forward to recognise the manly fellow, + and cards were left at “the big house,” which were never seen there + before. The magistrates were active in the affair, and a reward was + immediately offered for the apprehension of the offenders; but before any + active steps could be taken by the authorities, Andy, immediately after + the attack, collected a few stout fellows himself, and knowing where the + den of Shan and his miscreants lay, he set off at the head of his party to + try if he could not secure them himself; but before he did this, he + despatched a vehicle to the farmhouse, where poor Nance lay wounded, with + orders that she should be removed to his own house, the doctor having said + that the transit would not be injurious. + </p> + <p> + A short time served to bring Andy and his followers to the private still, + where a little looking about enabled them to discover the entrance, which + was covered by some large stones, and a bunch of furze placed as a mask to + the opening. It was clear that it was impossible for any persons inside to + have thus covered the entrance, and it suggested the possibility that some + of its usual inmates were then absent. Nevertheless, having such desperate + characters to deal with, it was a service of danger to be leader in the + descent to the cavern when the opening was cleared; but Andy was the first + to enter, which he did boldly, only desiring his attendants to follow him + quickly, and give him support in case of resistance. A lantern had been + provided, Andy knowing the darkness of the den; and the party was thereby + enabled to explore with celerity and certainty the hidden haunt of the + desperadoes. The ashes of the fire were yet warm, but no one was to be + seen, till Andy, drawing the screen of the bed, discovered a man lying in + a seemingly helpless state, breathing with difficulty, and the straw about + him dabbled with blood. On attempting to lift him, the wretch groaned + heavily and muttered, “D—n you, let me alone—you've done for + me—I'm dying.” + </p> + <p> + The man was gently carried from the cave to the open air, which seemed + slightly to revive him. His eyes opened heavily, but closed again; yet + still he breathed. His wounds were staunched as well as the limited means + and knowledge of the parties present allowed; and the ladder, drawn up + from the cave and overlaid with tufts of heather, served to bear the + sufferer to the nearest house, whence Andy ordered a mounted messenger to + hurry for a doctor. The man seemed to hear what was going forward, for he + faintly muttered, “the priest—the priest.” + </p> + <p> + Andy, anxious to procure this most essential comfort to the dying man, + went himself in search of Father Blake, whom he found at home, and who + suggested that a magistrate might be also useful upon the occasion; and as + Merryvale lay not much out of the way, Andy made a detour to obtain the + presence of Squire Egan, while Father Blake pushed directly onward upon + his ghostly mission. + </p> + <p> + Andy and the Squire arrived soon after the priest had administered + spiritual comfort to the sufferer, who still retained sufficient strength + to make his depositions before the Squire, the purport of which turned out + to be of the utmost importance to Andy. + </p> + <p> + This man, it appeared, <i>was the husband of Bridget</i>, who had returned + from transportation, and sought his wife and her dear brother, and his + former lawless associates, on reaching Ireland. On finding Bridget had + married again, his anger at her infidelity was endeavoured to be appeased + by the representations made to him that it was a “good job,” inasmuch as + “the lord” had been screwed out of a good sum of money by way of separate + maintenance, and that he would share the advantage of that. When matters + were more explained, however, and the convict found this money was divided + among so many, who all claimed right of share in the plunder, his + discontent returned. In the first place, the pettifogger made a large haul + for his services. Shan More swore it was hard if a woman's own brother was + not to be the better for her luck; and Larry Hogan claimed hush-money, for + he could prove Bridget's marriage, and so upset their scheme of plunder. + The convict maintained his claim as husband was stronger than any; but + this, all the others declared, was an outlandish notion he brought back + with him from foreign parts, and did not prevail in their code of laws by + any manner o' means, and even went so far as to say they thought it hard, + after they had “done the job,” that he was to come in and lessen their + profit, which he would, as they were willing to give an even share of the + spoil; and after that, he must be the most discontented villain in the + world if he was not pleased. + </p> + <p> + The convict feigned contentment, but meditated at once revenge against his + wife and the gang, and separate profit for himself. He thought he might + stipulate for a good round sum from Lord Scatterbrain, as he could prove + him free of his supposed matrimonial engagement, and inwardly resolved he + would soon pay a visit to his lordship. But his intentions were suspected + by the gang, and a strict watch kept upon him; and though his + dissimulation and contrivance were of no inferior order, Larry Hogan was + his overmatch, and the convict was detected in having been so near Lord + Scatterbrain's dwelling, that they feared their secret, if not already + revealed, was no longer to be trusted to their new confederate's keeping; + and it was deemed advisable to knock him on the head, and shoot my lord, + which they thought would prevent all chance of the invalidity of the + marriage being discovered, and secure the future payment of the + maintenance. + </p> + <p> + How promptly the murderous determination was acted upon, the preceding + events prove. Andy's courage in the first part of the affair saved his + life; his promptness in afterwards seeking to secure the offenders led to + the important discovery he had just made; and as the convict's depositions + could be satisfactorily backed by proofs which he showed the means of + obtaining, Andy was congratulated heartily by the Squire and Father Blake, + and rode home in almost delirious delight at the prospect of making Oonah + his wife. On reaching the stables, he threw himself from his saddle, let + the horse make his own way to his stall, dashed through the back hall, and + nearly broke his neck in tumbling up-stairs, burst open the drawing-room + door, and made a rush upon Oonah, whom he hugged and kissed most + outrageously, amidst exclamations of the wildest affection. + </p> + <p> + Oonah, half strangled and struggling for breath, at last freed herself + from his embraces, and asked him, angrily, what he was about—in + which inquiry she was backed by his mother. + </p> + <p> + Andy answered by capering round the room, shouting, “Hurroo! I'm not + married at all—hurroo!” He turned over the chairs, upset the tables, + threw the mantelpiece ornaments into the fire, seized the poker and tongs, + and banged them together as he continued dancing and shouting. + </p> + <p> + Oonah and his mother stood gazing at his antics in trembling amazement, + till at last the old woman exclaimed, “Holy Vargin! he's gone mad!” + whereupon she and her niece set up a violent screaming, which called Andy + back to his propriety, and, as well as his excitement would permit, he + told them the cause of his extravagant joy. His wonder and delight were + shared by his mother and the blushing Oonah, who did not struggle so hard + in Andy's embrace on his making a second vehement demonstration of his + love for her. + </p> + <p> + “Let me send for Father Blake, my jewel,” said Andy, “and I'll marry you + at once.” + </p> + <p> + His mother reminded him he must first have his present marriage proved + invalid. Andy uttered several pieces of <i>original</i> eloquence on “the + law's delay.” + </p> + <p> + “Well, anyhow,” said he, “I'll drink your health, my darling girl, this + day, as Lady Scatterbrain—for you must consider yourself as sitch.” + </p> + <p> + “Behave yourself, my lord,” said Oonah, archly. + </p> + <p> + “Bother!” cried Andy, snatching another kiss. + </p> + <p> + “Hillo!” cried Dick Dawson, entering at the moment, and seeing the + romping-match. “You're losing no time, I see, Andy.” + </p> + <p> + Oonah was running from the room, laughing and blushing, when Dick + interposed, and cried, “Ah, don't go, 'my lady,' that <i>is to be</i>.” + </p> + <p> + Oonah slapped down the hand that barred her progress, exclaiming, “You're + just as bad as he is, Mister Dawson!” and ran away. + </p> + <p> + Dick had ridden over, on hearing the news, to congratulate Andy, and + consented to remain and dine with him. Oonah had rather, after what had + taken place, he had not been there, for Dick backed Andy in his tormenting + the girl and joined heartily in drinking to Andy's toast, which, according + to promise, he gave to the health of the future Lady Scatterbrain. + </p> + <p> + It was impossible to repress Andy's wild delight; and in the excitement of + the hour he tossed off bumper after bumper to all sorts of love-making + toasts, till he was quite overcome by his potations, and fit for no place + but bed. To this last retreat of “the glorious” he was requested to + retire, and, after much coaxing, consented. He staggered over to the + window-curtain, which he mistook for that of the bed; in vain they wanted + to lead him elsewhere—he would sleep in no other bed but <i>that</i>—and, + backing out at the window-pane, he made a smash, of which he seemed + sensible, for he said it wasn't a fair trick to put pins in the bed. “I + know it was Oonah did that!—hip!—ha! ha! Lady Scatterbrain!—never + mind—hip!—I'll have my revenge on you yet!” + </p> + <p> + They could not get him up-stairs, so his mother suggested he should sleep + in her room, which was on the same floor, for that night, and at last he + was got into the apartment. There he was assisted to disrobe, as he stood + swaying about at a dressing-table. Chancing to lay his hands on a + pill-box, he mistook it for his watch. + </p> + <p> + “Stop—stop!” he stammered forth—“I must wind my watch;” and, + suiting the action to the word, he began twisting about the pill-box, the + lid of which came off and the pills fell about the floor. “Oh, murder!” + said Lord Scatterbrain, “the works of my watch are fallin' about the flure—pick + them up—pick them up—pick them up—” He could speak no + more, and becoming quite incapable of all voluntary action, was undressed + and put to bed, the last sound which escaped him being a faint muttering—“pick + them up.” + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0031" id="link2HCH0031"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER THE LAST + </h2> + <p> + The day following the eventful one just recorded, the miserable convict + breathed his last. A printed notice was posted in all the adjacent + villages, offering a reward for the apprehension of <i>Shan More</i> and + “other persons unknown,” for their murderous assault; and a small reward + was promised for such “private information as might lead to the + apprehension of the aforesaid,” &c., &c. Larry Hogan at once came + forward and put the authorities on the scent, but still Shan and his + accomplices remained undiscovered. Larry's information on another subject, + however, was more effective. He gave his own testimony to the previous + marriage of Bridget, and pointed out the means of obtaining more, so that, + ere long, Lord Scatterbrain was a “free man.” Though the depositions of + the murdered man did not directly implicate Larry in the murderous attack, + still it showed that he had participated in much of their villany; but, as + in difficult cases, we must put up with bad instruments to reach the ends + of justice, so this rascal was useful for his evidence and private + information, and got his reward. + </p> + <p> + But he got his reward in more ways than one. He knew that he dare not + longer remain in the country after what had taken place, and set off + directly for Dublin by the mail, intending to proceed to England; but + England he never reached. As he was proceeding down the Custom-house quay + in the dusk of the evening, to get on ship-board, his arms were suddenly + seized and drawn behind him by a powerful grasp, while a woman in front + drew a handkerchief across his mouth, and stifled his attempted cries. His + bundle was dragged from him, and the woman ransacked his pockets but they + contained but a few shillings, Larry having hidden the wages of his + treachery to his confederates in the folds of his neck-cloth. To pluck + this from his throat, many a fierce wrench was made by the woman, when her + attempts on the pockets proved worthless; but the handkerchief was knotted + so tightly that she could not disengage it. The approach of some + passengers along the quay alarmed the assailants of Larry, who, ere the + iron grip released him, heard a deep curse in his ear growled by a voice + he well knew, and then he felt himself hurled with gigantic force from the + quay wall. Before the base, cheating, faithless scoundrel could make one + exclamation, he was plunged into the Liffey—even before one mental + aspiration for mercy, he was in the throes of suffocation! The heavy + splash in the water caught the attention of those whose approach had + alarmed the murderers, and seeing a man and woman running, a pursuit + commenced, which ended by Newgate having two fresh tenants the next day. + </p> + <p> + And so farewell to the entire of the abominable crew, whose evil doings + and merited fates have only been recorded when it became necessary to our + story. It is better to leave the debased and the profligate in oblivion + than drag their doings before the day; and it is with happy consciousness + an Irishman may assert, that there is plenty of subject afforded by Irish + character and Irish life honourable to the land, pleasing to the narrator, + and sufficiently attractive to the reader, without the unwholesome + exaggerations of crime which too often disfigure the fictions which pass + under the title of “Irish,” alike offensive to truth as to taste—alike + injurious both for private and public considerations. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <p> + It was in the following autumn that a particular chariot drove up to the + door of the Victoria Hotel, on the shore of Killarney lake. A young man of + elegant bearing handed a very charming young lady from the chariot; aand + that kindest and mos accommodating of hostesses, Mrs. F——, + welcomed the fresh arrival with her good-humoured and smiling face. + </p> + <p> + Why, amidst the crowd of arrivals at the Victoria, one chariot should be + remarkable beyond another, arose from its quiet elegance, which might + strike even a casual observer; but the intelligent Mrs. F—— + saw with half an eye the owners must be high-bred people. To the + apartments already engaged for them they were shown; but few minutes were + lost within doors where such matchless natural beauty tempted them + without. A boat was immediately ordered, and then the newly arrived + visitors were soon on the lake. The boatmen had already worked hard that + day, having pulled one party completely round the lakes—no trifling + task; but the hardy fellows again bent to their oars, and made the + sleeping waters wake in golden flashes to the sunset, till told they need + not pull so hard. + </p> + <p> + “Faith, then, we'll <i>plaze</i> you, sir,” said the stroke-oarsman, with + a grin, “for we have had quite enough of it to-day.” + </p> + <p> + “Do you not think, Fanny,” said Edward O'Connor, for it was he who spoke + to his bride, “Do you not think 'tis more in unison with the tranquil hour + and the coming shadows, to glide softly over the lulled waters?” + </p> + <p> + “Yes,” she replied, “it seems almost sacrilege to disturb this heavenly + repose by the slightest dip of the oar—see how perfectly that lovely + island is reflected.” + </p> + <p> + “That is Innisfallin, my lady,” said the boatman, hearing her allude to + the island, “where the hermitage is.” As he spoke, a gleam of light + sparkled on the island, which was reflected on the water. + </p> + <p> + “One might think the hermit was there too,” said Fanny, “and had just + lighted a lamp for his vigils.” + </p> + <p> + “That's the light of the guide that shows the place to the quality, my + lady, and lives on the island always in a corner of the ould ruin. And, + indeed, if you'd like to see the island this evening, there's time enough, + and 'twould be so much saved out of to-morrow.” + </p> + <p> + The boatman's advice was acted upon, and as they glided towards the + island, Fanny and Edward gazed delightedly on the towering summits of + Magillicuddy's reeks, whose spiral pinnacles and graceful declivities told + out sharply against the golden sky behind them, which, being perfectly + reflected in the calm lake, gave a grand chain of mountain the appearance + of being suspended in glowing heather, for the lake was one bright amber + sheet of light below, and the mountains one massive barrier of shade, till + they cut against the light above. The boat touched the shore of + Innisfallin, and the delighted pair of visitants hurried to its western + point to catch the sunset, lighting with its glory the matchless foliage + of this enchanting spot, where every form of grace exhaustless nature can + display is lavished on the arborial richness of the scene, which, in its + unequalled luxuriance, gives to a fanciful beholder the idea that the <i>trees + themselves have a conscious pleasure in growing there.</i> Oh! what a + witching spot is Innisfallin! + </p> + <p> + Edward had never seen anything so beautiful in his life; and with the + woman he adored resting on his arm, he quoted the lines which Moore has + applied to the Vale of Cashmere, as he asked Fanny would she not like to + live there. + </p> + <p> + “Would you?” said Fanny. + </p> + <p> + Edward answered— + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + “If woman can make the worst wilderness dear, + Think—think what a heaven she must make of Cashmere.” + </pre> + <p> + They lingered on the island till the moon arose, and then re-embarked. The + silvery light exhibited the lake under another aspect, and the dimly + discovered forms of the lofty hills rose one above another, tier upon + tier, circling the waters in their shadowy frame, the beauty of the scene + reached a point of sublimity which might be called holy. As they returned + towards the shelving strand, a long row of peeled branches, standing + upright in the water, attracted Fanny's attention, and she asked their + use. + </p> + <p> + “All the use in life, my lady,” said the boatman, “for without the same + branches, maybe it's not home to-night you'd get.” + </p> + <p> + On Fanny inquiring further the meaning of the boatman's answer, she + learned that the sticks were placed there to indicate the only channel + which permitted a boat to approach the shore on that side of the lake, + where the water was shoal, while in other parts the depth had never been + fathomed. + </p> + <p> + An early excursion on the water was planned for the morning, and Edward + and Fanny were wakened from their slumbers by the tones of the bugle; a + soft Irish melody being breathed by Spillan, followed by a more sportive + one from the other minstrel of the lake, Ganzy. + </p> + <p> + The lake now appeared under another aspect—the morning sun and + morning breeze were upon it, and the sublimity with which the shades of + evening had invested the mountains was changed to that of the most varied + richness; for Autumn hung out its gaudy banner on the lofty hills, crowned + to their summits with all variety of wood, which, though tinged by the + declining year, had scarcely shed one leafy honour. The day was glorious, + and the favouring breeze enabled the boat to career across the sparkling + lake under canvas, till the overhanging hills of the opposite side robbed + them of their aerial wings, and the sail being struck, the boatmen bent to + their oars. As they passed under a promontory, clothed from the water's + edge to its topmost ridge with the most luxuriant vegetation, it was + pointed out to the lady as “the minister's back.” + </p> + <p> + “'T is a strange name,” said Fanny. “Do you know why it is called so?” + </p> + <p> + “Faix, I dunna, my lady—barrin' that it is the best covered back in + the country. But here we come to the <i>aichos</i>,” said he, resting on + his oars. The example was followed by his fellows, and the bugler, lifting + his instrument to his lips, gave one long well-sustained blast. It rang + across the waters gallantly. It returned in a few seconds with such + unearthly sweetness, as though the spirit of the departed sound had become + heavenly, and revisited the place where it had expired. + </p> + <p> + Fanny and Edward listened breathlessly. + </p> + <p> + The bugle gave out its notes again in the well-known “call,” and as + sweetly as before the notes were returned distinctly. + </p> + <p> + And now a soft and slow and simple melody stole from the exquisitely + played bugle, and phrase after phrase was echoed from the responding + hills. How many an emotion stirred within Edward's breast, as the melting + music fell upon his ear! In the midst of matchless beauties he heard the + matchless strains of his native land, and the echoes of her old hills + responding to the triumphs of her old bards. The air, too, bore with it + historic associations;—it told a tale of wrong and of suffering. The + wrong has ceased, the suffering is past, but the air which records them + still lives. + </p> + <p> + “Oh! triumph of the minstrel!” exclaimed Edward in delight. “The tyrant + crumbles in his coffin, while the song of the bard survives! The memory of + a sceptred ruffian is endlessly branded by a simple strain, while many of + the elaborate chronicles of his evil life have passed away and are + mouldering like himself.” + </p> + <p> + Scarcely had the echoes of this exquisite air died away, when the + entrancement it carried was rudely broken by one of the vulgarest tunes + being brayed from a bugle in a boat which was seen rounding the headland + of the wooded promontory. Edward and Fanny writhed, and put their hands to + their ears. “Give way, boys!” said Edward; “for pity's sake get away from + these barbarians. Give way!” + </p> + <p> + Away sprang the boat. To the boatman's inquiry whether they should stop at + “Lady Kenmare's Cottage,” Fanny said “no,” when she found on inquiry it + was a particularly “show-place,” being certain the vulgar party following + <i>would</i> stop there, and therefore time might be gained in getting + away from such disagreeable followers. + </p> + <p> + Dinas Island, fringed with its lovely woods, excited their admiration, as + they passed underneath its shadows, and turned into Turk Lake; here the + labyrinthine nature of the channels through which they had been winding + was changed for a circular expanse of water, over which the lofty + mountain, whence it takes its name, towers in all its wild beauty of wood, + and rock, and heath. + </p> + <p> + At a certain part of the lake, the boatmen, without any visible cause, + rested on their oars. On Edward asking them why they did not pull, he + received this touching answer:— + </p> + <p> + “Sure, your honour would not have us disturb Ned Macarthy's grave!” + </p> + <p> + “Then a boatman was drowned here, I suppose?” said Edward. + </p> + <p> + “Yes, your honour.” The boatman then told how the accident occurred “one + day when there was a stag-hunt on the lake;” but as the anecdote struck + Edward so forcibly that he afterwards recorded it in verse, we will give + the story after his fashion. + </p> + <h3> + MACARTHY'S GRAVE + </h3> + <h3> + I + </h3> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + The breeze was fresh, the morn was fair, + The stag had left his dewy lair; + To cheering horn and baying tongue, + Killarney's echoes sweetly rung. + With sweeping oar and bending mast, + The eager chase was following fast; + When one light skiff a maiden steer'd + Beneath the deep wave disappeared: + Wild shouts of terror wildly ring, + A boatman brave, with gallant spring + And dauntless arm, the lady bore; + But he who saved—was seen no more! +</pre> + <h3> + II + </h3> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + Where weeping birches wildly wave, + There boatmen show their brother's grave; + And while they tell the name he bore, + Suspended hangs the lifted oar; + The silent drops they idly shed + Seem like tears to gallant Ned; + And while gently gliding by, + The tale is told with moistened eye. + No ripple on the slumbering lake + Unhallow'd oar doth ever make; + All undisturb'd, the placid wave + Flows gently o'er Macarthy's grave. +</pre> + <p> + Winding backwards through the channels which lead the explorers of this + scene of nature's enchantment from the lower to the upper lake, the + surpassing beauty of the “Eagle's nest” burst on their view; and as they + hovered under its stupendous crags, clustering with all variety of + verdure, the bugle and the cannon awoke the almost endless reverberation + of sound which is engendered here. Passing onward, a sudden change is + wrought; the soft beauty melts gradually away, and the scene hardens into + frowning rocks and steep acclivities, making a befitting vestibule to the + bold and bleak precipices of “The Reeks,” which form the western barrier + of this upper lake, whose savage grandeur is rendered more striking by the + scenes of fairy-like beauty left behind. But even here, in the midst of + the mightiest desolation, the vegetative vigour of the numerous islands + proves the wondrous productiveness of the soil in these regions. + </p> + <p> + On their return, a great commotion was observable as they approached the + rapids formed by the descending waters of the upper lake to the lower, and + they were hailed and warned by some of the peasants from the shore that + they must not attempt the rapids at present, as a boat, which had just + been upset, lay athwart the passage. On hearing this, Edward and Fanny + landed upon the falls, and walked towards the old bridge, where all was + bustle and confusion, as the dripping passengers were dragged safely to + shore from the capsized boat, which had been upset by the principal + gentleman of the party, whose vulgar trumpetings had so disturbed the + delight of Edward and Fanny, who soon recognised the renowned Andy as the + instigator of the bad music and the cause of the accident. Yes, Lord + Scatterbrain, true to his original practice, was author of all. + </p> + <p> + Nevertheless, he and his party, soused over head and ears as they were, + took the thing in good humour, which was unbroken even by the + irrepressible laughter which escaped from Edward and Fanny, as they + approached and kindly offered assistance. An immediate removal to the + neighbouring cottage on Dinas Island was recommended, particularly as Lady + Scatterbrain was in a delicate situation, as well, indeed, as Mrs. Durfy, + who, with her dear Tom, had joined Lord Scatterbrain's party of pleasure. + </p> + <p> + On reaching the cottage, sufficient change of clothes was obtained to + prevent evil consequences from the ducking. This, under ordinary + circumstances, might not have been easy for so many; but, fortunately, + Lord Scatterbrain had ordered a complete dinner from the hotel to be + served in the cottage, and some of the assistants from the Victoria, who + were necessarily present, helped to dress more than the dinner. What + between cookmaids and waiters, the care-taker of the cottage and the + boatmen, bodies, and skirts, jackets and other conveniences, enabled the + party to sit down to dinner in company, until fire could mend the mistake + of his lordship. Edward and Fanny courteously joined the party; and the + honour of their company was sensibly felt by Andy and Oonah, who would + have borne a ducking a day for the honour of having Fanny and Edward as + their guests. Oonah was by nature a nice creature, and adapted herself to + her elevated position with a modest ease that was surprising. Even Andy + was by this time able to conduct himself tolerably well at table—only + on that particular day he did make a mistake; for when salmon (which is + served at Killarney in all sorts of variety) made its appearance for the + first time in the novel form “<i>en papillote</i>,” Andy ate paper and + all. He refused a second cutlet, however, saying he “<i>thought the skin + tough</i>.” The party, however, passed off mirthfully, the very accident + helping the fun; for, instead of any one being called by name, the “lady + in the jacket,” or the “gentleman in the bedgown,” were the terms of + address; and, after a merrily spent evening, the beds of the Victoria gave + sleep and pleasing dreams to the sojourners of Killarney. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0008" id="linkimage-0008"></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:80%"> + <img src="images/party_killarney.jpg" alt="The Party at Killarney" width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + Kind reader! the shortening space we have prescribed to our volume warns + us we must draw our story to an end. Nine months after this Killarney + excursion, Lord Scatterbrain met Dick Dawson near Mount Eskar, where Lord + Scatterbrain had ridden to make certain inquiries about Mrs. O'Connor's + health. Dick wore a smiling countenance, and to Andy's inquiry answered, + “All right, and doing as well as can be expected.” + </p> + <p> + Lord Scatterbrain, wishing to know whether it was a boy or a girl, made + the inquiry in the true spirit of Andyism—“Tell me, Misther Dawson, + <i>are you an uncle or an aunt?</i>” + </p> + <p> + Andy's mother died soon after of the cold caught by her ducking. On her + death-bed she called Oonah to her, and said, “I leave you this quilt, <i>alanna</i>—'t + is worth more than it appears. The hundred-pound notes Andy gave me I + quilted into the lining, so that if I lived poor all my life till lately, + I died under a quilt of banknotes, anyhow.” + </p> + <p> + Uncle Bob was gathered to his fathers also, and left the bulk of his + property to Augusta, so that Furlong had to regret his contemptible + conduct in rejecting her hand. Augusta indulged in a spite to all mankind + for the future, enjoying her dogs and her independence, and defying Hymen + and hydrophobia for the rest of her life. + </p> + <p> + Gusty went on profiting by the early care of Edward O'Connor, whose + friendship was ever his dearest possession; and Ratty, always wild, + expressed a desire for leading a life of enterprise. As they are both + “Irish heirs,” as well as Lord Scatterbrain, and heirs under very + different circumstances, it is not improbable that in our future + “accounts” something may yet be heard of them, and the grateful author + once more meet his kind readers. + </p> + <h3> + THE END + </h3> + <div style="height: 6em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's Handy Andy, Volume 2 (of 2), by Samuel Lover + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK HANDY ANDY, VOLUME 2 (OF 2) *** + +***** This file should be named 7180-h.htm or 7180-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/7/1/8/7180/ + + +Text file produced by Charles Franks and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team + +HTML file produced by David Widger + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Handy Andy, Volume 2 (of 2) + A Tale of Irish Life + +Author: Samuel Lover + + +Release Date: December, 2004 [EBook #7180] +This file was first posted on March 22, 2003 +Last Updated: June 12, 2013 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK HANDY ANDY, VOLUME 2 (OF 2) *** + + + + +Produced by Charles Franks and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team + + + + + + + + +HANDY ANDY + +A Tale of Irish Life + +In Two Volumes--Volume Two + +The Collected Writings Of Samuel Lover (V. 4) + +[Illustration: Tom Organ Loftus' Coldairian System] + +[Illustration: Tom Connor's Cat] + + + + +LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS VOLUME TWO + + +Tom Organ Loftus' Coldairian System + +Tom Connor's Cat + +Andy's Cooking Extraordinary + +Tom Organ Loftus and the Duke + +The Abduction + +A Crack Shot + +The Challenge + +The Party at Killarney + +_Etched by W. H. W. Bicknell from drawings by Samuel Lover_ + + + + +CHAPTER XXII + + +The night was pitch dark, and on rounding the adjacent corner no vehicle +could be seen; but a peculiar whistle from Dick was answered by the +sound of approaching wheels and the rapid footfalls of a horse, mingled +with the light rattle of a smart gig. On the vehicle coming up, Dick +took his little mare, that was blacker than the night, by the head, the +apron of the gig was thrown down, and out jumped a smart servant-boy. + +"You have the horse ready, too, Billy?" + +"Yis, sir," said Billy, touching his hat. + +"Then follow, and keep up with me, remember." + +"Yis, sir." + +"Come to her head, here," and he patted the little mare's neck as he +spoke with a caressing "whoa," which was answered by a low neigh of +satisfaction, while the impatient pawing of her fore foot showed the +animal's desire to start. "What an impatient little devil she is," said +Dick, as he mounted the gig; "I'll get in first, Murphy, as I'm going +to drive. Now up with you--hook on the apron--that's it--are you all +right?" + +"Quite," said Murphy. + +"Then you be into your saddle and after us, Billy," said Dick; "and now +let her go." + +Billy gave the little black mare her head, and away she went, at a +slapping pace, the fire from the road answering the rapid strokes of +her nimble feet. The servant then mounted a horse which was tied to +a neighbouring palisade, and had to gallop for it to come up with his +master, who was driving with a swiftness almost fearful, considering the +darkness of the night and the narrowness of the road he had to traverse, +for he was making the best of his course by cross-ways to an adjacent +roadside inn, where some non-resident electors were expected to arrive +that night by a coach from Dublin; for the county town had every nook +and cranny occupied, and this inn was the nearest point where they could +get any accommodation. + +Now don't suppose that they were electors whom Murphy and Dick in their +zeal for their party were going over to greet with hearty welcomes and +bring up to the poll the next day. By no means. They were the friends +of the opposite party, and it was with the design of retarding their +movements that this night's excursion was undertaken. These electors +were a batch of plain citizens from Dublin, whom the Scatterbrain +interest had induced to leave the peace and quiet of the city to tempt +the wilds of the country at that wildest of times--during a contested +election; and a night coach was freighted inside and out with the worthy +cits, whose aggregate voices would be of immense importance the next +day; for the contest was close, the county nearly polled out, and +but two days more for the struggle. Now, to intercept these plain +unsuspecting men was the object of Murphy, whose well-supplied +information had discovered to him this plan of the enemy, which he set +about countermining. As they rattled over the rough by-roads, many a +laugh did the merry attorney and the untameable Dick the Devil exchange, +as the probable success of their scheme was canvassed, and fresh +expedients devised to meet the possible impediments which might +interrupt them. As they topped a hill Murphy pointed out to his +companion a moving light in the plain beneath. + +"That's the coach, Dick--there are the lamps, we're just in time--spin +down the hill, my boy--let me get in as they're at supper, and 'faith +they'll want it, after coming off a coach such a night as this, to say +nothing of some of them being aldermen in expectancy perhaps, and of +course obliged to play trencher-men as often as they can, as a requisite +rehearsal for the parts they must hereafter fill." + +In fifteen minutes more Dick pulled up before a small cabin within a +quarter of a mile of the inn, and the mounted servant tapped at the +door, which was immediately opened, and a peasant, advancing to the gig, +returned the civil salutation with which Dick greeted his approach. + +"I wanted to be sure you were ready, Barny." + +"Oh, do you think I'd fail you, Misther Dick, your honour?" + +"I thought you might be asleep, Barny." + +"Not when you bid me wake, sir; and there's a nice fire ready for you, +and as fine a dhrop o' _potteen_ as ever tickled your tongue, sir." + +"You're the lad, Barny!--good fellow--I'll be back with you by-and-by;" +and off whipped Dick again. + +After going about a quarter of a mile further, he pulled up, alighted +with Murphy from the gig, unharnessed the little black mare, and then +overturned the gig into the ditch. + +"That's as natural as life," said Dick. + +"What an escape of my neck I've had!" said Murphy. + +"Are you much hurt?" said Dick. + +"A trifle lame only," said Murphy, laughing and limping. + +"There was a great _boccagh_ [Footnote: Lame beggar.] lost in you, +Murphy. Wait; let me rub a handful of mud on your face--there--you have +a very upset look, 'pon my soul," said Dick, as he flashed the light of +his lantern on him for a moment, and laughed at Murphy scooping the mud +out of his eye, where Dick had purposely planted it. + +"Devil take you," said Murtough; "that's too natural." + +"There's nothing like looking your part," said Dick. + +"Well, I may as well complete my attire," said Murtough, so he lay down +in the road and took a roll in the mud; "that will do," said he; "and +now, Dick, go back to Barny and the mountain dew, while I storm the +camp of the Philistines. I think in a couple of hours you may be on the +look-out for me; I'll signal you from the window, so now good bye;" +and Murphy, leading the mare, proceeded to the inn, while Dick, with a +parting "Luck to you, my boy," turned back to the cottage of Barny. + +The coach had set down six inside and ten out passengers (all voters) +about ten minutes before Murphy marched up to the inn door, leading the +black mare, and calling "ostler" most lustily. His call being answered +for "the beast," "the man" next demanded attention; and the landlord +wondered all the wonders he could cram into a short speech, at seeing +Misther Murphy, sure, at such a time; and the sonsy landlady, too, +was all lamentations for his illigant coat and his poor eye, sure, all +ruined with the mud:--and what was it at all? an upset, was it? oh, +wirra! and wasn't it lucky he wasn't killed, and they without a spare +bed to lay him out dacent if he was--sure, wouldn't it be horrid for his +body to be only on sthraw in the barn, instead of the best feather-bed +in the house; and, indeed, he'd be welcome to it, only the gintlemen +from town had them all engaged. + +"Well, dead or alive, I must stay here to-night, Mrs. Kelly, at all +events." + +"And what will you do for a bed?" + +"A shake down in the parlour, or a stretch on a sofa, will do; my gig is +stuck fast in a ditch--my mare tired--ten miles from home--cold night, +and my knee hurt." Murphy limped as he spoke. + +"Oh! your poor knee," said Mrs. Kelly; "I'll put a dhrop o' whisky and +brown paper on it, sure--" + +"And what gentlemen are these, Mrs. Kelly, who have so filled your +house?" + +"Gintlemen that came by the coach a while agone, and supping in the +parlour now, sure." + +"Would you give my compliments, and ask would they allow me, under the +present peculiar circumstances, to join them? and in the meantime, send +somebody down the road to take the cushions out of my gig; for there is +no use in attempting to get the gig out till morning." + +"Sartinly, Misther Murphy, we'll send for the cushions; but as for the +gentlemen, they are all on the other side." + +"What other side?" + +"The Honourable's voters, sure." + +"Pooh! is that all?" said Murphy,--"I don't mind that, I've no objection +on that account; besides, _they_ need not know who _I_ am," and he gave +the landlord a knowing wink, to which the landlord as knowingly returned +another. + +The message to the gentlemen was delivered, and Murphy was immediately +requested to join their party; this was all he wanted, and he played off +his powers of diversion on the innocent citizens so successfully, that +before supper was half over they thought themselves in luck to have +fallen in with such a chance acquaintance. Murphy fired away jokes, +repartees, anecdotes, and country gossip, to their delight; and when the +eatables were disposed of, he started them on the punch-drinking tack +afterwards so cleverly, that he hoped to see three parts of them tipsy +before they retired to rest. + +"Do you feel your knee better now, sir?" asked one of the party, of +Murphy. + +"Considerably, thank you; whisky punch, sir, is about the best cure for +bruises or dislocations a man can take." + +"I doubt that, sir," said a little matter-of-fact man, who had now +interposed his reasonable doubts for the twentieth time during Murphy's +various extravagant declarations, and the interruption only made Murphy +romance the more. + +"_You_ speak of your fiery _Dublin_ stuff, sir; but our country whisky +is as mild as milk, and far more wholesome; then, sir, our fine air +alone would cure half the complaints without a grain of physic." + +"I doubt that, sir!" said the little man. + +"I assure you, sir, a friend of my own from town came down here last +spring on crutches, and from merely following a light whisky diet and +sleeping with his window open, he was able to dance at the race ball in +a fortnight; as for this knee of mine, it's a trifle, though it was a +bad upset too." + +"How did it happen, sir? Was it your horse--or your harness--or your +gig--or--" + +"None o' them, sir; it was a _Banshee_." + +"A Banshee!" said the little man; "what's that?" + +"A peculiar sort of supernatural creature that is common here, sir. She +was squatted down on one side of the road, and my mare shied at her, +and being a spirited little thing, she attempted to jump the ditch and +missed it in the dark." + +"Jump a ditch, with a gig after her, sir?" said the little man. + +"Oh, common enough to do that here, sir; she'd have done it easy in the +daylight, but she could not measure her distance in the dark, and bang +she went into the ditch: but it's a trifle, after all. I am generally +run over four or five times a year." + +"And you alive to tell it!" said the little man, incredulously. + +"It's hard to kill us here, sir, we are used to accidents." + +"Well, the worst accident I ever heard of," said one of the citizens, +"happened to a friend of mine, who went to visit a friend of his on a +Sunday, and all the family happened to be at church; so on driving into +the yard there was no one to take his horse, therefore he undertook +the office of ostler himself, but being unused to the duty, he most +incautiously took off the horse's bridle before unyoking him from his +gig, and the animal, making a furious plunge forward--my friend being +before him at the time--the shaft of the gig was driven through his +body, and into the coach-house gate behind him, and stuck so fast that +the horse could not drag it out after; and in this dreadful situation +they remained until the family returned from church, and saw the awful +occurrence. A servant was despatched for a doctor, and the shaft was +disengaged, and drawn out of the man's body--just at the pit of the +stomach; he was laid on a bed, and every one thought of course he must +die at once, but he didn't; and the doctor came next day, and he wasn't +dead--did what he could for him--and, to make a long story short, sir, +the man recovered." + +"Pooh! pooh!" said the diminutive doubter. + +"It's true," said the narrator. + +"I make no doubt of it, sir," said Murphy; "I know a more extraordinary +case of recovery myself." + +"I beg your pardon, sir," said the cit; "I have not finished my story +yet, for the most extraordinary part of the story remains to be told; +my friend, sir, was a very sickly man before the accident happened--a +_very_ sickly man, and after that accident he became a hale healthy man. +What do you think of that, sir?" + +"It does not surprise me in the least, sir," said Murphy; "I can account +for it readily." + +"Well, sir, I never heard It accounted for, though I know it to be true; +I should like to hear how you account for it?" + +"Very simply, sir," said Murphy; "don't you perceive the man discovered +a _mine_ of health by a _shaft_ being sunk in the _pit_ of his stomach?" + +Murphy's punning solution of the cause of cure was merrily received by +the company, whose critical taste was not of that affected nature +which despises _jeu de mots_, and _will not_ be satisfied under a _jeu +d'esprit_; the little doubting man alone refused to be pleased. + +"I doubt the value of a pun always, sir. Dr. Johnson said, sir--" + +"I know," said Murphy; "that the man who would make a pun would pick +a pocket; that's old, sir,--but is dearly remembered by all those who +cannot make puns themselves." + +"Exactly," said one of the party they called Wiggins. "It is the old +story of the fox and the grapes. Did you ever hear, sir, the story of +the fox and the grapes? The fox one day was--" + +"Yes, yes," said Murphy, who, fond of absurdity as he was, could _not_ +stand the fox and the grapes by way of something new. + +"They're sour, said the fox." + +"Yes," said Murphy, "a capital story." + +"Oh, them fables is so good!" said Wiggins. + +"All nonsense!" said the diminutive contradictor. + +"Nonsense, nothing but nonsense; the ridiculous stuff of birds and +beasts speaking! As if any one could believe such stuff." + +"I do--firmly--for one," said Murphy. + +"You do?" said the little man. + +"I do--and do you know why?" + +"I cannot indeed conceive," said the little man, with a bitter grin. + +"It is, sir, because I myself know a case that occurred in this very +country of a similar nature." + +"Do you want to make me believe you knew a fox that spoke, sir?" said +the mannikin, almost rising into anger. + +"Many, sir," said Murphy, "many." + +"Well! after that!" said the little man. + +"But the case I immediately allude to is not of a fox, but a cat," said +Murphy. + +"A cat? Oh, yes--to be sure--a cat speak, indeed!" said the little +gentleman. + +"It is a fact, sir," said Murphy; "and if the company would not object +to my relating the story, I will state the particulars." + +The proposal was received with acclamation; and Murphy, in great +enjoyment of the little man's annoyance, cleared his throat, and made +all the preparatory demonstrations of a regular _raconteur_; but, before +he began, he recommended the gentlemen to mix fresh tumblers all round +that they might have nothing to do but listen and drink silently. "For +of all things in the world," said Murtough, "I hate a song or a story to +be interrupted by the rattle of spoons." + +They obeyed; and while they are mixing their punch, we will just turn +over a fresh page, and devote a new Chapter to the following + +MARVELLOUS LEGEND + + + + +CHAPTER XXIII + +MURTOUGH MURPHY'S STORY; BEING YE MARVELLOUS LEGEND OF TOM CONNOR'S CAT + + +"There was a man in these parts, sir, you must know, called Tom Connor, +and he had a cat that was equal to any dozen of rat-traps, and he was +proud of the baste, and with rayson; for she was worth her weight in +goold to him in saving his sacks of meal from the thievery of the rats +and mice; for Tom was an extensive dealer in corn, and influenced the +rise and fall of that article in the market, to the extent of a full +dozen of sacks at a time, which he either kept or sold, as the spirit +of free trade or monopoly came over him. Indeed, at one time, Tom had +serious thoughts of applying to the government for a military force to +protect his granary when there was a threatened famine in the county." + +"Pooh! pooh! sir," said the matter-of-fact little man: "as if a dozen +sacks could be of the smallest consequence in a whole county--pooh! +pooh!" + +"Well, sir," said Murphy, "I can't help if you don't believe; but it's +truth what I am telling you, and pray don't interrupt me, though you +may not believe; by the time the story's done you'll have heard more +wonderful things than _that_,--and besides, remember you're a stranger +in these parts, and have no notion of the extraordinary things, +physical, metaphysical, and magical, which constitute the idiosyncrasy +of rural destiny." + +The little man did not know the meaning of Murphy's last sentence--nor +Murphy either; but, having stopped the little man's throat with big +words, he proceeded-- + +"This cat, sir, you must know, was a great pet, and was so up to +everything, that Tom swore she was a'most like a Christian, only she +couldn't speak, and had so sensible a look in her eyes, that he was +sartin sure the cat knew every word that was said to her. Well, she used +to sit by him at breakfast every morning, and the eloquent cock of her +tail, as she used to rub against his leg, said, 'Give me some milk, Tom +Connor,' as plain as print, and the plenitude of her purr afterwards +spoke a gratitude beyond language. Well, one morning, Tom was going to +the neighbouring town to market, and he had promised the wife to bring +home shoes to the childre' out o' the price of the corn; and sure +enough, before he sat down to breakfast, there was Tom taking the +measure of the children's feet, by cutting notches on a bit of stick; +and the wife gave him so many cautions about getting a 'nate fit' for +'Billy's purty feet,' that Tom, in his anxiety to nick the closest +possible measure, cut off the child's toe. That disturbed the harmony of +the party, and Tom was obliged to breakfast alone, while the mother was +endeavouring to cure Billy; in short, trying to make a _heal_ of his +_toe_. Well, sir, all the time Tom was taking measure for the shoes, the +cat was observing him with that luminous peculiarity of eye for which +her tribe is remarkable; and when Tom sat down to breakfast the cat +rubbed up against him more vigorously than usual; but Tom, being +bewildered between his expected gain in corn and the positive loss of +his child's toe, kept never minding her, until the cat, with a sort of +caterwauling growl, gave Tom a dab of her claws, that went clean through +his leathers, and a little further. 'Wow!' says Tom, with a jump, +clapping his hand on the part, and rubbing it, 'by this and that, +you drew the blood out o' me,' says Tom; 'you wicked divil--tish!--go +along!' says he, making a kick at her. With that the cat gave a +reproachful look at him, and her eyes glared just like a pair of +mail-coach lamps in a fog. With that, sir, the cat, with a mysterious +_'mi-ow'_ fixed a most penetrating glance on Tom, and distinctly uttered +his name. + +"Tom felt every hair on his head as stiff as a pump-handle; and scarcely +crediting his ears, he returned a searching look at the cat, who very +quietly proceeded in a sort of nasal twang-- + +"'Tom Connor,' says she. + +"'The Lord be good to me!' says Tom, 'if it isn't spakin' she is!' + +"'Tom Connor,' says she again. + +"'Yes, ma'am,' says Tom. + +"'Come here,' says she; 'whisper--I want to talk to you, Tom,' says +she, 'the laste taste in private,' says she--rising on her hams, and +beckoning him with her paw out o' the door, with a wink and a toss o' +the head aiqual to a milliner. + +"Well, as you may suppose, Tom didn't know whether he was on his head +or his heels, but he followed the cat, and off she went and squatted +herself under the edge of a little paddock at the back of Tom's house; +and as he came round the corner, she held up her paw again, and laid it +on her mouth, as much as to say, 'Be cautious, Tom.' Well, divil a word +Tom could say at all, with the fright, so up he goes to the cat, and +says she-- + +"'Tom,' says she, 'I have a great respect for you, and there's something +I must tell you, becase you're losing character with your neighbours,' +says she, 'by your goin's on,' says she, 'and it's out o' the respect +that I have for you, that I must tell you,' says she. + +"'Thank you, ma'am,' says Tom. + +"'You're goin' off to the town,' says she, 'to buy shoes for the +childre',' says she, 'and never thought o' gettin' me a pair.' + +"'You!' says Tom." + +"'Yis, me, Tom Connor,' says she; 'and the neighbours wondhers that +a respectable man like you allows your cat to go about the counthry +barefutted,' says she." + +"'Is it a cat to ware shoes?' says Tom." + +"'Why not?' says she; 'doesn't horses ware shoes?--and I have a prettier +foot than a horse, I hope,' says she, with a toss of her head." + +"'Faix, she spakes like a woman; so proud of her feet,' says Tom to +himself, astonished, as you may suppose, but pretending never to think +it remarkable all the time; and so he went on discoursin'; and says he, +'It's thrue for you, ma'am,' says he, 'that horses wares shoes--but that +stands to rayson, ma'am, you see--seeing the hardship their feet has to +go through on the hard roads.'" + +"'And how do you know what hardship my feet has to go through?' says the +cat, mighty sharp." + +"'But, ma'am,' says Tom, 'I don't well see how you could fasten a shoe +on you,' says he." + +"'Lave that to me,' says the cat." + +"'Did any one ever stick walnut shells on you, pussy?' says Tom, with a +grin." + +"'Don't be disrespectful, Tom Connor,' says the cat, with a frown." + +"'I ax your pard'n, ma'am,' says he, 'but as for the horses you wor +spakin' about wearin' shoes, you know their shoes is fastened on with +nails, and how would your shoes be fastened on?'" + +"'Ah, you stupid thief!' says she, 'haven't I illigant nails o' my own?' +and with that she gave him a dab of her claw, that made him roar." + +"'Ow! murdher!' says he." + +"'Now, no more of your palaver, Misther Connor,' says the cat; 'just be +off and get me the shoes.'" + +"'Tare an' ouns!' says Tom, 'what'll become o' me if I'm to get shoes +for my cats?' says he, 'for you increase your family four times a year, +and you have six or seven every time,' says he; 'and then you must all +have two pair a piece--wirra! wirra!--I'll be ruined in shoe-leather,' +says Tom. + +"'No more o' your stuff,' says the cat; 'don't be stand in' here undher +the hedge talkin', or we'll lose our karacthers--for I've remarked your +wife is jealous, Tom.' + +"'Pon my sowl, that's thrue,' says Tom, with a smirk. + +"'More fool she,' says the cat, 'for, 'pon my conscience, Tom, you're as +ugly as if you wor bespoke.' + +"Off ran the cat with these words, leaving Tom in amazement. He said +nothing to the family, for fear of fright'ning them, and off he went to +the _town_ as he _pretended_--for he saw the cat watching him through +a hole in the hedge; but when he came to a turn at the end of the road, +the dickings a mind he minded the market, good or bad, but went off to +Squire Botherum's, the magisthrit, to sware examinations agen the cat." + +"Pooh! pooh!--nonsense!!" broke in the little man, who had listened thus +far to Murtough with an expression of mingled wonder and contempt, +while the rest of the party willingly gave up the reins to nonsense, +and enjoyed Murtough's Legend and their companion's more absurd common +sense. + +"Don't interrupt him, Goggins," said Mister Wiggins. + +"How can you listen to such nonsense?" returned Goggins. "Swear +examinations against a cat, indeed! pooh! pooh!" + +"My dear sir," said Murtough, "remember this is a fair story, and that +the country all around here is full of enchantment. As I was telling +you, Tom went off to swear examinations." + +"Ay, ay!" shouted all but Goggins; "go on with the story." + +"And when Tom was asked to relate the events of the morning, which +brought him before Squire Botherum, his brain was so bewildered between +his corn, and his cat, and his child's toe, that he made a very confused +account of it. + +"'Begin your story from the beginning,' said the magistrate to Tom. + +"'Well, your honour,' says Tom, 'I was goin' to market this mornin', to +sell the child's corn--I beg your pard'n--my own toes, I mane, sir.' + +"'Sell your toes!' said the Squire. + +"'No, sir, takin' the cat to market, I mane--' + +"'Take a cat to market!' said the Squire. 'You're drunk, man.' + +"'No, your honour, only confused a little; for when the toes began to +spake to me--the cat, I mane--I was bothered clane--' + +"'The cat speak to you!' said the Squire. 'Phew! worse than +before--you're drunk, Tom.' + +"'No, your honour; it's on the strength of the cat I come to spake to +you--' + +"'I think it's on the strength of a pint of whisky, Tom--' + +"'By the vartue o' my oath, your honour, it's nothin' but the cat.' And +so Tom then told him all about the affair, and the Squire was regularly +astonished. Just then the bishop of the diocese and the priest of the +parish happened to call in, and heard the story; and the bishop and the +priest had a tough argument for two hours on the subject; the former +swearing she must be a witch; but the priest denying _that_, and +maintaining she was _only_ enchanted; and that part of the argument was +afterwards referred to the primate, and subsequently to the conclave at +Rome; but the Pope declined interfering about cats, saying he had quite +enough to do minding his own bulls. + +"'In the meantime, what are we to do with the cat?' says Botherum. + +"'Burn her,' says the bishop, 'she's a witch.' + +"_Only_ enchanted,' said the priest--'and the ecclesiastical court +maintains that--' + +"'Bother the ecclesiastical court!' said the magistrate; 'I can only +proceed on the statutes;' and with that he pulled down all the law-books +in his library, and hunted the laws from Queen Elizabeth down, and he +found that they made laws against everything in Ireland, _except a cat_. +The devil a thing escaped them but a cat, which did _not_ come within +the meaning of any act of parliament:--_the cats only had escaped_. + +"'There's the alien act, to be sure,' said the magistrate, 'and perhaps +she's a French spy, in disguise.' + +"'She spakes like a French spy, sure enough,' says Tom; 'and she was +missin', I remember, all last Spy-Wednesday.' + +"'That's suspicious,' says the squire--'but conviction might be +difficult; and I have a fresh idea,' says Botherum. + +"''Faith, it won't keep fresh long, this hot weather,' says Tom; 'so +your honour had betther make use of it at wanst.' + +"'Right,' says Botherum,--'we'll make her subject to the game laws; +we'll hunt her,' says he. + +"'Ow!--elegant!' says Tom;--'we'll have a brave run out of her.' + +"'Meet me at the cross roads,' says the Squire, 'in the morning, and +I'll have the hounds ready.' + +"'Well, off Tom went home; and he was racking his brain what excuse he +could make to the cat for not bringing the shoes; and at last he hit one +off, just as he saw her cantering up to him, half-a-mile before he got +home. + +"'Where's the shoes, Tom?' says she. + +"'I have not got them to-day, ma'am,' says he. + +"'Is that the way you keep your promise, Tom?' says she;--'I'll tell you +what it is, Tom--I'll tare the eyes out o' the childre' if you don't get +me shoes.' + +"'Whisht! whisht!' says Tom, frightened out of his life for his +children's eyes. 'Don't be in a passion, pussy. The shoemaker said he +had not a shoe in his shop, nor a last that would make one to fit +you; and he says, I must bring you into the town for him to take your +measure.' + +"'And when am I to go?' says the cat, looking savage. + +"'To-morrow,' says Tom. + +"'It's well you said that, Tom,' said the cat, 'or the devil an eye I'd +leave in your family this night'--and off she hopped. + +"Tom thrimbled at the wicked look she gave. + +"'Remember!' says she, over the hedge, with a bitter caterwaul. + +"'Never fear,' says Tom. Well, sure enough, the next mornin' there was +the cat at cock-crow, licking herself as nate as a new pin, to go into +the town, and out came Tom with a bag undher his arm, and the cat afther +him. + +"'Now git into this, and I'll carry you into the town,' says Tom, +opening the bag. + +"'Sure I can walk with you,' says the cat. + +"'Oh, that wouldn't do,' says Tom; 'the people in the town is curious +and slandherous people, and sure it would rise ugly remarks if I was +seen with a cat afther me:--a dog is a man's companion by nature, but +cats does not stand to rayson.' + +"Well, the cat, seeing there was no use in argument, got into the bag, +and off Tom set to the cross roads with the bag over his shoulder, and +he came up, _quite innocent-like_, to the corner, where the Squire, and +his huntsman, and the hounds, and a pack o' people were waitin'. Out +came the Squire on a sudden, just as if it was all by accident. + +"'God save you, Tom,' says he. + +"'God save you kindly, sir,' says Tom. + +"'What's that bag you have at your back?' says the Squire. + +"'Oh, nothin' at all, sir,' says Tom--makin' a face all the time, as +much as to say, I have her safe. + +"'Oh, there's something in that bag, I think,' says the Squire; 'and you +must let me see it.' + +"'If you bethray me, Tom Connor,' says the cat in a low voice, 'by this +and that I'll never spake to you again!' + +"'Pon my honour, sir,' said Tom, with a wink and a twitch of his thumb +towards the bag, 'I haven't anything in it.' + +"'I have been missing my praties of late,' says the Squire; 'and I'd +just like to examine that bag,' says he. + +"'Is it doubting my charackther you'd be, sir?' says Tom, pretending to +be in a passion. + +"'Tom, your sowl!' says the voice in the sack, '_if you let the cat out +of the bag_, I'll murther you.' + +"'An honest man would make no objection to be sarched,' said the +Squire; 'and I insist on it,' says he, laying hold o' the bag, and Tom +purtending to fight all the time; but, my jewel! before two minutes, +they shook the cat out o' the bag, sure enough, and off she went with +her tail as big as a sweeping brush, and the Squire, with a thundering +view halloo after her, clapt the dogs at her heels, and away they went +for the bare life. Never was there seen such running as that day--the +cat made for a shaking bog, the loneliest place in the whole country, +and there the riders were all thrown out, barrin' the huntsman, who had +a web-footed horse on purpose for soft places; and the priest, whose +horse could go anywhere by reason of the priest's blessing; and, sure +enough, the huntsman and his riverence stuck to the hunt like wax; and +just as the cat got on the border of the bog, they saw her give a twist +as the foremost dog closed with her, for he gave her a nip in the flank. +Still she went on, however, and headed them well, towards an old mud +cabin in the middle of the bog, and there they saw her jump in at the +window, and up came the dogs the next minit, and gathered round +the house with the most horrid howling ever was heard. The huntsman +alighted, and went into the house to turn the cat out again, when what +should he see but an old hag lying in bed in the corner? + +"'Did you see a cat come in here?' says he. + +"'Oh, no--o--o--o!' squealed the old hag, in a trembling voice; 'there's +no cat here,' says she. + +"'Yelp, yelp, yelp!' went the dogs outside. + +"'Oh, keep the dogs out o' this,' says the old hag--'oh--o--o--o!' and +the huntsman saw her eyes glare under the blanket, just like a cat's. + +"'Hillo!' says the huntsman, pulling down the blanket--and what should +he see but the old hag's flank all in a gore of blood. + +"'Ow, ow! you old divil--is it you? you ould cat!' says he, opening the +door. + +"In rushed the dogs--up jumped the old hag, and changing into a cat +before their eyes, out she darted through the window again, and made +another run for it; but she couldn't escape, and the dogs gobbled her +while you could say 'Jack Robinson.' But the most remarkable part of +this extraordinary story, gentlemen, is, that the pack was ruined from +that day out; for after having eaten the enchanted cat, _the devil a +thing they would ever hunt afterwards but mice._" + + + + +CHAPTER XXIV + + +Murphy's story was received with acclamation by all but the little man. + +"That is all a pack of nonsense," said he. + +"Well, you're welcome to it, sir," said Murphy, "and if I had greater +nonsense you should have it; but seriously, sir, I again must beg you +to remember that the country all around here abounds in enchantment; +scarcely a night passes without some fairy frolic; but, however you +may doubt the wonderful fact of the cat speaking, I wonder you are not +impressed with the points of moral in which the story abounds--" + +"Fiddlestick!" said the miniature snarler. + +"First, the little touch about the corn monopoly [1]--then maternal +vanity chastised by the loss of the child's toe--then Tom's familiarity +with his cat, showing the danger arising from a man making too free with +his female domestics--the historical point about the penal laws--the +fatal results of letting the cat out o' the bag, with the curious final +fact in natural history." + +[1][Footnote: Handy Andy was written when the "vexed question" of the +"Corn Laws" was the all-absorbing subject of discussion.] + +"It's all nonsense," said the little man, "and I am ashamed of myself +for being such a fool as to sit--alistening to such stuff instead of +going to bed, after the fatigue of my journey and the necessity of +rising early to-morrow, to be in good time at the polling." + +"Oh! then you're going to the election, sir?" said Murphy. + +"Yes, sir--there's some sense in _that_--and _you_, gentlemen, remember +we must be _all_ up early--and I recommend you to follow my example." + +The little man rang the bell--the bootjack and slippers were called for, +and, after some delay, a very sleepy-looking _gossoon_ entered with a +bootjack under his arm, but no slippers. + +"Didn't I say slippers?" said the little man. + +"You did, sir." + +"Where are they, sir?" + +"The masther says there isn't any, if you plaze, sir." + +"No slippers! and you call this an inn? Oh!--well, 'what can't be cured +must be endured'--hold me the bootjack, sir." + +The gossoon obeyed--the little man inserted his heel in the cleft, but, +on attempting to pull his foot from the boot, he nearly went heels over +head backward. Murphy caught him and put him on his legs again. "Heads +up, soldiers," exclaimed Murtough; "I thought you were drinking too +much." + +"Sir, I'm not intoxicated!" said the mannikin, snappishly. "It is the +fault of that vile bootjack--what sort of a thing is that you have +brought?" added he in a rage to the _gossoon_. + +"It's the bootjack, sir; only one o' the horns is gone, you see," and he +held up to view a rough piece of board with an angular slit in it, but +one of "the horns," as he called it, had been broken off at the top, +leaving the article useless. + +"How dare you bring such a thing as _that_?" said the little man, in a +great rage. + +"Why, sir, you ax'd for a bootjack, sure, and I brought you the best I +had--and it's not my fault it's bruk, so it is, for it wasn't me bruk +it, but Biddy batin' the cock." + +"Beating the cock!" repeated the little man in surprise. "Bless me! beat +a cock with a bootjack!--what savages!" + +"Oh, it's not the _hen_ cock I mane, sir," said the gossoon, "but +the beer cock--she was batin' the cock into the barrel, sir, wid the +bootjack, sir." + +"That was decidedly wrong," said Murphy; "a bootjack is better suited to +a heel-tap than a full measure." + +"She was tapping the beer, you mean?" said the little man. + +"Faix, she wasn't tapping it at all, sir, but hittin' it very hard, she +was, and that's the way she bruk it." + +"Barbarians!" exclaimed the little man; "using a bootjack instead of a +hammer!" + +"Sure the hammer was gone to the priest, sir; bekase he wanted it for +the crucifixion." + +"The crucifixion!" exclaimed the little man, horrified; "is it possible +they crucify people?" + +"Oh no, sir!" said the gossoon, grinning, "it's the picthure I main, +sir--an illigant picthure that is hung up in the chapel, and he wanted a +hammer to dhrive the nails--" + +"Oh, a _picture_ of the crucifixion," said the little man. + +"Yes, sure, sir--the alther-piece, that was althered for to fit to the +place, for it was too big when it came down from Dublin, so they cut +off the sides where the sojers was, bekase it stopt out the windows, and +wouldn't lave a bit o' light for his riverence to read mass; and sure +the sojers were no loss out o' the alther-piece, and was hung up afther +in the vesthery, and serve them right, the blackguards. But it was sore +agen our will to cut off the ladies at the bottom, that was cryin' +and roarin'; but great good luck, the head o' the Blessed Virgin was +presarved in the corner, and sure it's beautiful to see the tears +runnin' down her face, just over the hole in the wall for the holy +wather--which is remarkable." + +The gossoon was much offended by the laughter that followed his account +of the altar-piece, which he had no intention of making irreverential, +and suddenly became silent, with a muttered "More shame for yiz;" and +as his bootjack was impracticable, he was sent off with orders for the +chamber-maid to supply bed candles immediately. + +The party soon separated for their various dormitories, the little man +leaving sundry charges to call them early in the morning, and to be sure +to have hot water ready for shaving, and, without fail, to have their +boots polished in time and left at their room doors;--to all which +injunctions he severally received the answer of--"Certainly, sir;" and +as the bed-room doors were slapped-to, one by one, the last sound of the +retiring party was the snappish voice of the indefatigable little man, +shouting, ere he shut his door,--"Early--early--don't forget, Mistress +Kelly--_early!_" + +A shake-down for Murphy in the parlour was hastily prepared; and after +Mrs. Kelly was assured by Murtough that he was quite comfortable, and +perfectly content with his accommodation, for which she made scores +of apologies, with lamentations it was not better, &c., &c., the whole +household retired to rest, and in about a quarter of an hour the inn was +in perfect silence. + +Then Murtough cautiously opened his door, and after listening for some +minutes, and being satisfied he was the only watcher under the roof, +he gently opened one of the parlour windows and gave the preconcerted +signal which he and Dick had agreed upon. Dick was under the window +immediately, and after exchanging a few words with Murtough, the latter +withdrew, and taking off his boots, and screening with his hand the +light of a candle he carried, he cautiously ascended the stairs, and +proceeded stealthily along the corridor of the dormitory, where, from +the chambers on each side, a concert of snoring began to be executed, +and at all the doors stood the boots and shoes of the inmates +awaiting the aid of Day and Martin in the morning. But, oh! innocent +calf-skins--destined to a far different fate--not Day and Martin, but +Dick the Devil and Company are in wait for you. Murphy collected as many +as he could carry under his arms and descended with them to the parlour +window, where they were transferred to Dick, who carried them directly +to the horse-pond which lay behind the inn, and there committed them to +the deep. After a few journeys up and down stairs, Murtough had left the +electors without a morsel of sole or upper leather, and was satisfied +that a considerable delay, if not a prevention of their appearance at +the poll on the morrow, would be the consequence. + +"There, Dick," said Murphy, "is the last of them," as he handed the +little man's shoes out of the window,--"and now, to save appearances, +you must take mine too--for I must be without boots as well as the rest +in the morning. What fun I shall have when the uproar begins--don't you +envy me, Dick? There, be off now: but hark 'e, notwithstanding you take +away my boots, you need not throw them into the horse-pond." + +"'Faith, an' I will," said Dick, dragging them out of his hands; "'t +would not be honourable, if I didn't--I'd give two pair of boots for the +fun you'll have." + +"Nonsense, Dick--Dick, I say--my boots!" + +"Honour!" cried Dick, as he vanished round the corner. + +"That devil will keep his word," muttered Murphy, as he closed the +window--"I may bid good bye to that pair of boots--bad luck to him!" +And yet the merry attorney could not help laughing at Dick making him a +sufferer by his own trick. + +Dick _did_ keep his word; and after, with particular delight, sinking +Murphy's boots with the rest, he, as it was preconcerted, returned to +the cottage of Barny, and with his assistance drew the upset gig from +the ditch, and with a second set of harness, provided for the occasion, +yoked the servant's horse to the vehicle and drove home. + +Murphy, meanwhile, was bent on more mischief at the inn; and lest +the loss of the boots and shoes might not be productive of sufficient +impediment to the movements of the enemy, he determined on venturing +a step further. The heavy sleeping of the weary and tipsy travellers +enabled him to enter their chambers unobserved, and over the garments +they had taken off he poured the contents of the water-jug and +water-bottle he found in each room, and then laying the empty bottle and +a tumbler on a chair beside each sleeper's bed, he made it appear as if +the drunken men had been dry in the night, and, in their endeavours +to cool their thirst, had upset the water over their own clothes. The +clothes of the little man, in particular, Murphy took especial delight +in sousing more profusely than his neighbour's, and not content with +taking his shoes, burnt his stockings, and left the ashes in the dish +of the candlestick, with just as much unconsumed as would show what +they had been. He then retired to the parlour, and with many an internal +chuckle at the thought of the morning's hubbub, threw off his clothes +and flinging himself on the shake-down Mrs. Kelly had provided for him, +was soon wrapt in the profoundest slumber, from which he never awoke +until the morning uproar of the inn aroused him. He jumped from his +lair and rushed to the scene of action, to soar in the storm of his +own raising; and to make it more apparent that he had been as great a +sufferer as the rest, he only threw a quilt over his shoulders and +did not draw on his stockings. In this plight he scaled the stairs and +joined the storming party, where the little man was leading the forlorn +hope, with his candlestick in one hand and the remnant of his burnt +stocking between the finger and thumb of the other. + +"Look at that, sir!" he cried, as he held it up to the landlord. + +The landlord could only stare. + +"Bless me!" cried Murphy, "how drunk you must have been to mistake your +stocking for an extinguisher!" + +"Drunk, sir--I wasn't drunk!" + +"It looks very like it," said Murphy, who did not wait for an answer, +but bustled off to another party who was wringing out his inexpressibles +at the door of his bed-room, and swearing at the gossoon that he _must_ +have his boots. + +"I never seen them, sir," said the boy. + +"I left them at my door," said the man. + +"So did I leave mine," said Murphy, "and here I am barefooted--it is +most extraordinary." + +"Has the house been robbed?" said the innocent elector. + +"Not a one o' me knows, sir!" said the boy; "but how could it be robbed +and the doors all fast this mornin'?" + +The landlady now appeared, and fired at the word "robbed!" + +"Robbed, sir!" exclaimed Mrs. Kelly; "no, sir--no one was ever robbed +in my house--my house is respectable and responsible, sir--a vartuous +house--none o' your rantipole places, sir, I'd have you to know, but +decent and well behaved, and the house was as quiet as a lamb all +night." + +"Certainly, Mrs. Kelly," said Murphy--"not a more respectable house in +Ireland--I'll vouch for that." + +"You're a gentleman, Misther Murphy," said Mrs. Kelly, who turned down +the passage, uttering indignant ejaculations in a sort of snorting +manner, while her words of anger were returned by Murphy with +expressions of soothing and condolence as he followed her down-stairs. + +The storm still continued above, and while there they shouted and swore +and complained, Murphy gave _his_ notion of the catastrophe to the +landlady below, inferring that the men were drunk and poured the +water over their own clothes. To repeat this idea to themselves he +re-ascended, but the men were incredulous. The little man he found +buttoning on a pair of black gaiters, the only serviceable decency +he had at his command, which only rendered his denuded state more +ludicrous. To him Murphy asserted his belief that the whole affair was +enchantment, and ventured to hope the small individual would have more +faith in fairy machinations for the future; to which the little abortion +only returned his usual "Pho! pho! nonsense!" + +Through all this scene of uproar, as Murphy passed to and fro, whenever +he encountered the landlord, that worthy individual threw him a knowing +look; and the exclamation of, "Oh, Misther Murphy--by dad!" given in +a low chuckling tone, insinuated that the landlord not only smoked but +enjoyed the joke. + +"You must lend me a pair of boots, Kelly!" said Murtough. + +"To be sure, sir--ha! ha! ha!--but you are the quare man, Misther +Murphy--" + +"Send down the road and get my gig out of the ditch." + +"To be sure, sir. Poor devils! purty hands they got into," and off went +the landlord, with a chuckle. + +The messengers sent for the gig returned, declaring there was no gig to +be seen anywhere. + +Murphy affected great surprise at the intelligence--again went among +the bamboozled electors, who were all obliged to go to bed for want of +clothes; and his bitter lamentations over the loss of his gig almost +reconciled them to their minor troubles. + +To the fears they expressed that they should not be able to reach the +town in time for polling that day, Murphy told them to set their minds +at rest, for they would be in time on the next. + +He then borrowed a saddle as well as the pair of boots from the +landlord, and the little black mare bore Murphy triumphantly back to the +town, after he had securely impounded Scatterbrain's voters, who were +anxiously and hourly expected by their friends. Still they came not. +At last, Handy Andy, who happened to be in town with Scatterbrain, was +despatched to hurry them, and his orders were not to come back without +them. + +Handy, on his arrival at the inn, found the electors in bed, and all +the fires in the house employed in drying their clothes. The little man, +wrapped in a blanket, was superintending the cooking of his own +before the kitchen grate; there hung his garments on some cross sticks +suspended by a string, after the fashion of a roasting-jack, which +the small gentleman turned before a blazing turf fire; and beside +this contrivance of his swung a goodly joint of meat, which a bouncing +kitchen wench came over to baste now and then. + +Andy was answering some questions of the inquisitive little man, when +the kitchen maid, handing the basting-ladle to Andy, begged him to do +a good turn and just to baste the beef for her, for that her heart was +broke with all she had to do, cooking dinner for so many. + +Andy, always ready to oblige, consented, and plied the ladle actively +between the troublesome queries of the little man; but at last, getting +confused with some very crabbed questions put to him, Andy became +completely bothered, and lifting a brimming ladle of dripping, poured it +over the little man's coat instead of the beef. + +A roar from the proprietor of the clothes followed, and he implanted +a kick at such advantage upon Andy, that he upset him into the +dripping-pan; and Andy, in his fall, endeavouring to support himself, +caught at the suspended articles above him, and the clothes, and the +beef, and Andy, all swam in gravy. + +[Illustration: Andy's Cooking extraordinary] + + + + +CHAPTER XXV + + +While disaster and hubbub were rife below, the electors up-stairs +were holding a council whether it would not be better to send back the +"Honourable's" messenger to the town and request a supply of shoes, +which they had no other means of getting. The debate was of an odd sort; +they were all in their several beds at the time, and roared at each +other through their doors, which were purposely left open that they +might enjoy each other's conversation; number seven replied to number +three, and claimed respect to his arguments on the score of seniority; +the blue room was completely controverted by the yellow; and the +double-bedded room would, of course, have had superior weight in the +argument, only that everything it said was lost by the two honourable +members speaking together. The French king used to hold a council called +a "bed of justice," in which neither justice nor a bed had anything to +do, so that this Irish conference better deserved the title than any +council the Bourbon ever assembled. The debate having concluded, and the +question being put and carried, the usher of the black counterpane was +desired to get out of bed, and, wrapped in the robe of office whence +he derived his title, to go down-stairs and call the "Honourable's" +messenger to the "bar of the house," and there order him a pint of +porter, for refreshment after his ride; and forthwith to send him back +again to the town for a supply of shoes. + +The house was unanimous in voting the supplies. The usher reached the +kitchen and found Andy in his shirt sleeves, scraping the dripping from +his livery with an old knife, whose hackled edge considerably assisted +Andy's own ingenuity in the tearing of his coat in many places, while +the little man made no effort towards the repair of his garment, but +held it up before him, and regarded it with a piteous look. + +To the usher of the black counterpane's question, whether Andy was the +"Honourable's messenger," Andy replied in the affirmative; but to the +desire expressed, that he would ride back to the town, Andy returned a +decided negative. + +"My ordhers is not to go back without you," said Andy. + +"But we have no shoes," said the usher; "and cannot go until we get +some." + +"My ordher is not to go back without you." + +"But if we can't go?" + +"Well, then, I can't go back, that's all," said Andy. + +The usher, the landlord, and the landlady all hammered away at Andy for +a long time, in vain trying to convince him he ought to return, as he +was desired; still Andy stuck to the letter of his orders, and said he +often got into trouble for not doing _exactly_ what he was bid, and +that he was bid "not to go back without them, and he would not--so he +wouldn't--divil a fut." + +At last, however, Andy was made to understand the propriety of riding +back to the town; and was desired to go as fast as his horse could carry +him, to gallop every foot of the way; but Andy did no such thing; he had +received a good thrashing once for being caught galloping his master's +horse on the road, and he had no intention of running the risk a second +time, because "_the stranger_" told him to do so. "What does he know +about it?" said Andy to himself; "'faith, it's fair and aisy I'll go, +and not disthress the horse to plaze any one." So he went back his +ten miles at a reasonable pace only; and when he appeared without the +electors, a storm burst on poor Andy. + +"There! I knew how it would be," said he, "and not my fault at all." + +"Weren't you told not to return without them?" + +"But wait till I tell you how it was, sure;" and then Andy began an +account of the condition in which the voters lay at the inn but between +the impatience of those who heard, and the confused manner of Andy's +recital, it was some time before matters were explained; and then Andy +was desired to ride back to the inn again, to tell the electors shoes +should be forwarded after him in a post-chaise, and requesting their +utmost exertions in hastening over to the town, for that the election +was going against them. Andy returned to the inn; and this time, under +orders from head quarters, galloped in good earnest, and brought in his +horse smoking hot, and indicating lameness. The day was wearing apace, +and it was so late when the electors were enabled to start that the +polling-booths were closed before they could leave the town; and in many +of these booths the requisite number of electors had not been polled +that day to keep them open; so that the next day nearly all those +outlying electors, about whom there had been so much trouble and +expense, would be of no avail. Thus, Murphy's trick was quite +successful, and the poor pickled electors were driven back to their inn +in dudgeon. + +Andy, when he went to the stable to saddle his steed, for a return to +Neck-or-Nothing Hall, found him dead lame, so that to ride him better +than twelve miles home was impossible. Andy was obliged to leave him +where he was, and trudge it to the hall; for all the horses in Kelly's +stables were knocked up with their day's work. + +As it was shorter by four miles across the country than by the road, +Andy pursued the former course; and as he knew the country well, the +shades of evening, which were now closing round, did not deter him in +the least. Andy was not very fresh for the journey to be sure, for he +had ridden upwards of thirty miles that day, so the merry whistle, which +is so constantly heard from the lively Irish pedestrian, did not while +away the tedium of his walk. It was night when Andy was breasting up a +low ridge of hills, which lay between him and the end of his journey; +and when in silence and darkness he topped the ascent, he threw himself +on some heather to rest and take breath. His attention was suddenly +caught by a small blue flame, which flickered now and then on the face +of the hill, not very far from him; and Andy's fears of fairies and +goblins came crowding upon him thick and fast. He wished to rise, but +could not; his eye continued to be strained with the fascination of fear +in the direction he saw the fire, and sought to pierce the gloom through +which, at intervals, the small point of flame flashed brightly and sunk +again, making the darkness seem deeper. Andy lay in perfect stillness, +and in the silence, which was unbroken even by his own breathing, he +thought he heard voices underground. He trembled from head to foot, +for he was certain they were the voices of the fairies, whom he firmly +believed to inhabit the hills. + +"Oh! murdher, what'll I do?" thought Andy to himself: "sure I heerd +often, if once you were within the sound of their voices, you could +never get out o' their power. Oh! if I could only say a _pather_ and +_ave_, but I forget my prayers with the fright. Hail, Mary! The king +o' the fairies lives in these hills, I know--and his house is undher +me this minit, and I on the roof of it--I'll never get down again--I'll +never get down again--they'll make me slater to the fairies; and sure +enough I remember me, the hill is all covered with flat stones they call +fairy slates. Oh! I am ruined--God be praised!" Here he blessed himself, +and laid his head close to the earth. "Guardian angels--I hear their +voices singin' a dhrinking song--Oh! if I had a dhrop o' water myself, +for my mouth is as dhry as a lime-burner's wig--and I on the top o' +their house--see--there's the little blaze again--I wondher is their +chimbley afire--Oh! murther, I'll die o' thirst--Oh! if I had only +one dhrop o' wather--I wish it would rain or hail--Hail, Mary, full o' +grace--whisht! what's that?" Andy crouched lower than before, as he saw +a figure rise from the earth, and attain a height which Andy computed +to be something about twenty feet; his heart shrank to the size of a +nut-shell, as he beheld the monster expand to his full dimensions; and +at the same moment, a second, equally large, emerged from the ground. + +Now, as fairies are notoriously little people, Andy changed his opinion +of the parties into whose power he had fallen, and saw clearly they were +giants, not fairies, of whom he was about to become the victim. He +would have ejaculated a prayer for mercy, had not terror rendered him +speechless, as the remembrance of all the giants he had ever heard of, +from the days of Jack and the Bean-stalk down, came into his head; but +though his sense of speaking was gone, that of hearing was painfully +acute, and he heard one of the giants say-- + +"That pot is not big enough." + +"Oh! it howlds as much as we want," replied the other. + +"O Lord," thought Andy; "they've got their pot ready for cooking." + +"What keeps him?" said the first giant. + +"Oh! he's not far off," said the second. + +A clammy shivering came over Andy. + +"I'm hungry," said the first, and he hiccupped as he spoke. + +"It's only a false appetite you have," said the second, "you're drunk." + +This was a new light to Andy, for he thought giants were too strong to +get drunk. "I could ate a young child, without parsley and butther," +said the drunken giant. Andy gave a faint spasmodic kick. + +"And it's as hot as ---- down there," said the giant. + +Andy trembled at the horrid word he heard. + +"No wonder," said the second giant; "for I can see the flame popping out +at the top of the chimbley; that's bad: I hope no one will see it, or +it might give them warning. Bad luck to that young divil for making the +fire so sthrong." + +What a dreadful hearing this was for Andy: young devils to make their +fires; there was no doubt what place they were dwelling in. "Thunder and +turf!" said the drunken giant; "I wish I had a slice of--" + +Andy did not hear what he wished a slice of, for the night wind +swept across the heath at the moment, and carried away the monster's +disgusting words on its pure breath. + +"Well, I'd rather have--" said the other giant; and again Andy lost what +his atrocious desires were--"than all the other slices in the world. +What a lovely round shoulder she has, and the nice round ankle of her--" + +The word "ankle" showed at once it was a woman of whom he spoke, and +Andy shuddered. "The monsters! to eat a woman." + +"What a fool you are to be in love," said the drunken giant with several +hiccups, showing the increase of his inebriation. + +"Is that what the brutes call love," thought Andy, "to ate a woman?" + +"I wish she was bone of my bone and flesh of my flesh," said the second +giant. Of this speech Andy heard only "bone" and "flesh," and had great +difficulty in maintaining the serenity of his diaphragm. + +The conversation of the giants was now more frequently interrupted by +the wind which was rising, and only broken sentences reached Andy, whose +senses became clearer the longer he remained in a state of safety; +at last he heard the name of Squire Egan distinctly pass between the +giants. + +"So they know Squire Egan," thought Andy. + +The first giant gave a drunken laugh at the mention of Squire Egan's +name, and exclaimed-- + +"Don't be afraid of him (_hiccup_); I have him undher my thumb +(_hiccup_). I can crush him when I plase." + +"O! my poor owld masther!" mentally ejaculated Andy. + +Another break in their conversation occurred, and the next name Andy +overheard was "O'Grady." + +"The big bully!" said the second giant. + +"They know the whole country," thought Andy. + +"But tell me, what was that you said to him at the election?" said the +drunken one. + +The word "election" recalled Andy to the business of this earth back +again; and it struck upon his hitherto bewildered sensorium that giants +could have nothing to do with elections, and he knew he never saw +them there; and, as the thought struck him, it seemed as if the giants +diminished in size, and did not appear _quite_ so big. + +"Sure you know," said the second. + +"Well, I'd like to hear it again," said the drunken one (_hiccup_). + +"The big bully says to me, 'Have you a lease?' says he; 'No,' says I; +'but I have an article!' 'What article?' says he; 'It's a fine brass +blunderbuss,' says I, 'and _I'd like to see the man would dispute the +title!_'" + +The drunken listener chuckled, and the words broke the spell of +supernatural terror which had hung over Andy; he knew, by the words of +the speaker, it was the bully joker of the election was present, +who browbeat O'Grady and out-quibbled the agent about the oath of +allegiance; and the voice of the other he soon recognised for that of +Larry Hogan. So now his giants were diminished into mortal men--the pot, +which had been mentioned to the terror of his soul, was for the making +of whisky instead of human broth--and the "hell" he thought his giants +inhabited was but a private still. Andy felt as if a mountain had been +lifted from his heart when he found it was but mortals he had to deal +with; for Andy was not deficient in courage when it was but thews +and sinews like his own he had to encounter. He still lay concealed, +however, for smugglers might not wish their private haunt to be +discovered, and it was possible Andy would be voted one too many in the +company should he announce himself; and with such odds as two to one +against him he thought he had better be quiet. Besides, his curiosity +became excited when he found them speaking of his old master, Egan, and +his present one, O'Grady; and as a woman had been alluded to, and odd +words caught up here and there, he became anxious to hear more of their +conversation. + +"So you're in love," said Larry, with a hiccup, to our friend of the +blunderbuss; "ha! ha! ha! you big fool." + +"Well, you old thief, don't you like a purty girl yourself?" + +"I did, when I was young and foolish." + +"'Faith, then, you're young and foolish at that rate yet, for you're a +rogue with the girls, Larry," said the other, giving him a slap on the +back. + +"Not I! not I!" said Larry, in a manner expressive of his not being +displeased with the charge of gallantry; "he! he! he!--how do you know, +eh?" (_Hiccup_.) "Sure, I know myself; but as I wos telling you, if I +could only lay howld of--" here his voice became inaudible to Andy, and +the rest of the sentence was lost. + +Andy's curiosity was great. "Who could the girl be?" + +"And you'd carry her off?" said Larry. + +"I would," said the other; "I'm only afraid o' Squire Egan." + +At this announcement of the intention of "carrying her off," coupled +with the fear of "Squire Egan," Andy's anxiety to hear the name of the +person became so intense that he crawled cautiously a little nearer to +the speakers. + +"I tell you again," said Larry, "I can settle _him_ aisy +(_hiccup_)--he's undher my thumb (_hiccup_)." + +"Be aisy," said the other, contemptuously, who thought this was a mere +drunken delusion of Larry's. + +"I tell you I'm his masther!" said Larry, with a drunken flourish of his +arm; and he continued bragging of his power over the Squire in various +ejaculations, the exact meaning of which our friend of the blunderbuss +could not fathom, but Andy heard enough to show him that the discovery +of the post-office affair was what Larry alluded to. + +That Larry, a close, cunning, circumventing rascal, should so far betray +the source of his power over Egan may seem strange; but be it remembered +Larry was drunk, a state of weakness which his caution generally guarded +him from falling into, but which being in, his foible was bragging of +his influence, and so running the risk of losing it. + +The men continued to talk together for some time, and the tenour of the +conversation was, that Larry assured his companion he might carry off +the girl without fear of Egan, but her name Andy could not discover. His +own name he heard more than once, and voluptuous raptures poured forth +about lovely lips and hips and ankles from the herculean knight of the +blunderbuss, amidst the maudlin admiration and hiccups of Larry, who +continued to brag of his power, and profess his readiness to stand by +his friend in carrying off the girl. + +"Then," said the Hercules, with an oath, "I'll soon have you in my arms, +my lovely--" + +The name was lost again. + +Their colloquy was now interrupted by the approach of a man and woman, +the former being the person for whose appearance Larry made so many +inquiries when he first appeared to Andy as the hungry giant; the other +was the sister of the knight of the blunderbuss. Larry having hiccupped +his anger against the man for making them wait so long for the bacon, +the woman said he should not wait longer without his supper now, +for that she would go down and fry the rashers immediately. She then +disappeared through the ground, and the men all followed. + +Andy drew his breath freely once more, and with caution raised himself +gradually from the ground with a careful circumspection, lest any of the +subterranean community might be watchers on the hill; and when he was +satisfied he was free from observation, he stole away from the spot +with stealthy steps for about twenty paces, and there, as well as the +darkness would permit, after taking such landmarks as would help him to +retrace his way to the still, if requisite, he dashed down the hill at +the top of his speed. This pace he did not moderate until he had placed +nearly a mile between him and the scene of his adventure; he then paced +slowly to regain his breath. His head was in a strange whirl; mischief +was threatened against some one of whose name he was ignorant; Squire +Egan was declared to be in the power of an old rascal; this grieved Andy +most of all, for he felt _he_ was the cause of his old master's dilemma. + +"Oh! to think I should bring him into trouble," said Andy, "the kind +and good masther he was to me ever, and I live to tell it like a +blackguard--throth I'd rather be hanged any day than the masther would +come to throuble--maybe if I gave myself up and was hanged like a man +at once, that would settle it; 'faith, if I thought it would, I'd do it +sooner than Squire Egan should come to throuble!" and poor Andy spoke +just what he felt. "Or would it do to kill that blackguard Hogan? _sure +they could do no more than hang me afther_, and that would save the +masther, and be all one to me, for they often towld me I'd be hanged. +[1] But then there's my sowl," said Andy, and he paused at the +thought--, "if they hanged me for the letthers, it would be only for a +mistake, and sure then I'd have a chance o' glory; for sure I might go +to glory through a mistake; but if I killed a man on purpose, sure it +would be slappin' the gates of Heaven in my own face. Faix, I'll spake +to Father Blake about it." [2] + +[1][Footnote: How often has the sanguinary penal code of past years +suggested this reflection and provoked the guilt it was meant to +awe! Happily, now our laws are milder, and more protective from their +mildness.] + +[2][Footnote: In the foregoing passage, Andy stumbles on uttering a +quaint pleasantry, for it is partly true as well as droll--the notion of +a man gaining Paradise through a mistake. Our intentions too seldom lead +us there, but rather tend the other way, for a certain place is said +to be paved with "good" ones, and surely "bad" ones would not lead us +upwards. Then the phrase of a man "slapping the gates of Heaven in his +own face," is one of those wild poetic figures of speech in which +the Irish peasantry often indulge. The phrase "slapping the door" is +every-day and common; but when applied to "the gates of Heaven," and +"in a man's own face," the common phrase becomes fine. But how often +the commonest things become poetry by the fitness of their application, +though poetasters and people of small minds think greatness of thought +lies in big words.] + + + + +CHAPTER XXVI + + +The following day was that eventful one which should witness the return +of either Edward Egan, Esq., or the Honourable Sackville Scatterbrain as +member for the county. There was no doubt in any reasonable man's mind +as to the real majority of Egan, but the numbers were sufficiently close +to give the sheriff an opportunity of doing a bit of business to +oblige his friends, and therefore he declared the Honourable Sackville +Scatterbrain duly elected. Great was the uproar; the people hissed, +and hooted, and groaned, for which the Honourable Sackville very +good-naturedly returned them his thanks. Murphy snapped his fingers in +the sheriff's face, and told them his honourable friend should not long +remain member, for that he must be unseated on petition, and that he +would prove the return most corrupt, with which words he again snapped +his fingers in the sheriff's face. + +The sheriff threatened to read the riot act if such conduct was +repeated. + +Egan took off his hat, and thanked him for his _honourable, upright, +and impartial_ conduct, whereupon all Egan's friends took off their hats +also, and made profound bows to the functionary, and then laughed most +uproariously. Counter laughs were returned from the opposite party, who +begged to remind the Eganites of the old saying, "that they might laugh +who win." A cross-fire of sarcasms was kept up amidst the two parties +as they were crushing forward out of the courthouse; and at the door, +before entering his carriage, Scatterbrain very politely addressed Egan, +and trusted that, though they had met as rivals on the hustings, they +nevertheless parted friends, and expressing the highest respect for the +squire, offered his hand in amity. + +Egan, equally good-hearted as his opponent, shook his hand cordially; +declaring he attributed to him none of the blame which attached to other +persons. "Besides, my dear sir," said Egan, laughing, "I should be a +very ill-natured person to grudge you so small an indulgence as being +member of parliament _for a month or so_." + +Scatterbrain returned the laugh, good-humouredly, and replied that, "at +all events, he _had_ the seat." + +"Yes, my dear sir," said Egan, "and make the most of it _while_ you +have it. In short, I shall owe you an obligation when I go over to St. +Stephen's, for you will have just _aired my seat_ for me--good bye." + +They parted with smiles, and drove to their respective homes; but as +even doubtful possession is preferable to expectation for the time +being, it is certain that Neck-or-Nothing Hall rang with more merriment +that night on the reality of the present, than Merryvale did on the hope +of the future. + +Even O'Grady, as he lay with his wounded arm on the sofa, found more +healing in the triumph of the hour than from all the medicaments of the +foregoing week, and insisted on going down-stairs and joining the party +at supper. + +"Gusty, dear," said his wife, "you know the doctor said--" + +"Hang the doctor!" + +"Your arm, my love." + +"I wish you'd leave off pitying my arm, and have some compassion on my +stomach." + +"The doctor said--" + +"There are oysters in the house; I'll do myself more good by the use of +an oyster-knife than all the lancets in the College of Surgeons." + +"But your wound, dear?" + +"Are they Carlingfords or Poldoodies?" + +"So fresh, love." + +"So much the better." + +"Your wound I mean, dear?" + +"Nicely opened." + +"Only dressed an hour ago?" + +"With some mustard, pepper, and vinegar." + +"Indeed, Gusty, if you take my advice--" + +"I'd rather have oysters any day." + +O'Grady sat up on the sofa as he spoke and requested his wife to say no +more about the matter, but put on his cravat. While she was getting it +from his wardrobe, his mind wandered from supper to the pension, +which he looked upon as secure now that Scatterbrain was returned; and +oyster-banks gave place to the Bank of Ireland, which rose in a pleasing +image before O'Grady's imagination. The wife now returned with the +cravat, still dreading the result of eating to her husband, and her mind +occupied wholly with the thought of supper, while O'Grady was wrapt in +visions of a pension. + +"You won't take it, Gusty, dear," said his wife with all the insinuation +of manner she could command. + +"Won't I, 'faith?" said O'Grady. "Maybe you think I don't want it?" + +"Indeed, I don't, dear." + +"Are you mad, woman? Is it taking leave of the few senses you ever had +you are?" + +"'T won't agree with you." + +"Won't it? just wait till I'm tried." + +"Well, love, how much do you expect to be allowed?" + +"Why I can't expect much just yet--we must begin gently--feel the pulse +first; but I should hope, by way of start, that six or seven hundred--" + +"Gracious Heaven!" exclaimed his wife, dropping the cravat from her +hands. "What the devil is the woman shouting at?" said O'Grady. + +"Six or seven hundred!!!" exclaimed Mrs. O'Grady; "my dear, there's not +as much in the house." + +"No, nor has not been for many a long day; I know that as well as you," +said O'Grady; "but I hope we shall get as much for all that." + +"My dear, where could you get them?" asked the wife, timidly, who began +to think his head was a little light. + +"From the treasury, to be sure." + +"The treasury, my dear?" said the wife, still at fault; "how could you +get oysters from the treasury?" + +"Oysters!" exclaimed O'Grady, whose turn it was now to wonder, "who +talks of oysters?" + +"My dear, I thought you said you'd eat six or seven hundred of oysters!" + +"Pooh! pooh! woman; it is of the pension I'm talking--six or seven +hundred pounds--pounds--cash--per annum; now I suppose you'll put on my +cravat. I think a man may be allowed to eat his supper who expects six +hundred a year." + +A great many people besides O'Grady order suppers, and dinners too, on +the expectation of less than six hundred a year. Perhaps there is no +more active agent for sending people into the Insolvent Court than the +aforesaid "_expectation_." + +O'Grady went down-stairs, and was heartily welcomed by Scatterbrain on +his re-appearance from his sick-room; but Mrs. O'Grady suggested that, +for fear any excess would send him back there for a longer time, a +very moderate indulgence at the table should suffice. She begged the +honourable member to back her argument, which he did; and O'Grady +promised temperance, but begged the immediate appearance of the oysters, +for he experienced that eager desire which delicate health so often +prompts for some particular food. + +Andy was laying the table at the time, and was ordered to expedite +matters as much as possible. + +"Yis, ma'am." + +"You're sure the oysters are all good, Andy?" + +"Sartin, ma'am." + +"Because the last oysters you know--" + +"Oh, yis, ma'am--were bad, ma'am--bekase they had their mouths all open. +I remember, ma'am; but when I'm towld a thing once, I never forget it +again; and you towld me when they opened their mouths once they were no +good. So you see, ma'am, I'll never bring up bad oysthers again, ma'am." + +"Very good, Andy; and you have kept them in a cool place, I hope." + +"Faix, they're cowld enough where I put them, ma'am." + +"Very well; bring them up at once." + +Off went Andy, and returned with all the haste he could with a large +dish heaped up with oysters. + +O'Grady rubbed his hands with the impatience of a true lover of the +crustaceous delicacy, and Scatterbrain, eager to help him, flourished +his oyster-knife; but before he had time to commence operations the +olfactory nerves of the company gave evidence that the oysters were +rather suspicious; every one began sniffing, and a universal "Oh dear!" +ran round the table. + +"Don't you smell it, Furlong?" said Scatterbrain, who was so lost in +looking at Augusta's mustachios that he did not mind anything else. + +"Isn't it horrid?" said O'Grady, with a look of disgust. + +Furlong thought he alluded to the mustachio, and replied with an +assurance that he "liked it of all things." + +"Like it?" said O'Grady; "you've a queer taste. What do _you_ think of +it, miss?" added he to Augusta, "it's just under your nose." Furlong +thought this rather personal, even from a father. + +"I'll try my knife on one," said Scatterbrain, with a flourish of the +oyster-knife, which Furlong thought resembled the preliminary trial of a +barber's razor. + +Furlong thought this worse than O'Grady; but he hesitated to reply to +his chief, and an _honourable_ into the bargain. + +In the meantime, Scatterbrain opened an oyster, which Furlong, in his +embarrassment and annoyance, did not perceive. + +"Cut off the beard," said O'Grady, "I don't like it." + +This nearly made Furlong speak, but, considering O'Grady's temper +and ill-health, he hesitated, till he saw Augusta rubbing her eye, in +consequence of a small splinter of the oyster-shell having struck it +from Scatterbrain's mismanagement of his knife; but Furlong thought she +was crying, and then he could be silent no longer; he went over to where +she sat, and with a very affectionate demonstration in his action, said, +"Never mind them, dear Gussy--never mind--don't cwy--I love her dear +little moustachios, I do." He gave a gentle pat on the back of the neck +as he spoke, and it was returned by an uncommonly smart box on the ear +from the young lady, and the whole party looked thunderstruck. "Dear +Gussy" cried for spite, and stamped her way out of the room, followed by +Furlong. + +"Let them go," said O'Grady; "they'll make it up outside." + +"These oysters are all bad," said Scatterbrain. + +O'Grady began to swear at his disappointment--he had set his heart on +oysters. Mrs. O'Grady rang the bell--Andy appeared. + +"How dare you bring up such oysters as these?" roared O'Grady. + +"The misthris ordhered them, sir." + +"I told you never to bring up bad oysters," said she. + +"Them's not bad, ma'am," said Andy, + +"Have you a nose?" says O'Grady. + +"Yes, sir." + +"And can't you smell them, then?" + +"Faix, I smelt them for the last three days, sir." + +"And how could you say they were good, then?" asked his mistress. + +"Sure you tould me, ma'am, that if they didn't open their mouths they +were good, and I'll be on my book oath them oysters never opened their +mouths since I had them, for I laid them on a coolflag in the kitchen +and put the jack-weight over them." + +Notwithstanding O'Grady's rage, Scatterbrain could not help roaring with +laughter at Andy's novel contrivance for keeping oysters fresh. Andy +was desired to take the "ancient and fish-like smell" out of the room, +amidst jeers and abuse; and, as he fumbled his way to the kitchen in +the dark, lamenting the hard fate of servants, who can never give +satisfaction, though they do everything they are bid, he went head over +heels down-stairs, which event was reported to the whole house as soon +as it happened, by the enormous clatter of the broken dish, the oysters, +and Andy, as they all rolled one over the other to the bottom. + +O'Grady, having missed the cool supper he intended, and had longed for, +was put into a rage by the disappointment; and as hunger with O'Grady +was only to be appeased by broiled bones, accordingly, against all the +endeavours of everybody, the bells rang violently through the house, and +the ogre-like cry of "broiled bones!" resounded high and low. + +The reader is sufficiently well acquainted with O'Grady by this time to +know, that of course, when once he had determined to have his broiled +bone, nothing on the face of the earth could prevent it but the want +of anything to broil, or the immediate want of his teeth; and as his +masticators were in order, and something in the house which could carry +mustard and pepper, the invalid primed and loaded himself with as much +combustible matter as exploded in a fever the next day. + +The supper-party, however, in the hope of getting him to bed, separated +soon; and as Scatterbrain and Furlong were to start early in the morning +for Dublin, the necessity of their retiring to rest was pleaded. The +honourable member had not been long in his room when he heard a tap at +his door, and his order to "come in" was followed by the appearance of +Handy Andy. + +"I found somethin' on the road nigh the town to-day, sir, and I thought +it might be yours, maybe," said Andy, producing a small pocket-book. + +The honourable member disavowed the ownership. + +"Well, there's something else I want to speak to your honour about." + +"What is it, Handy?" + +"I want your honour to see the account of the money your honour gave me +that I spint at the _shebeen_ [Footnote: Low publick house.] upon the +'lecthors that couldn't be accommodated at Mrs. Fay's." + +"Oh! never mind it, Andy; if there's anything over, keep it yourself." + +"Thank your honour, but I must make the account all the same, if +you plaze, for I'm going to Father Blake, to my duty, [Footnote: +Confession.] soon, and I must have my conscience as clear as I can, and +I wouldn't like to be keeping money back." + +"But if I give you the money, what matter?" + +"I'd rather you'd just look over this little bit of a count, if you +plaze," said Andy, producing a dirty piece of paper, with some nearly +inscrutable hieroglyphics upon it. Scatterbrain commenced an examination +of this literary phenomenon from sheer curiosity, asking Andy at the +same time if _he_ wrote it. + +"Yis, sir," said Andy; "but you see the man couldn't keep the count of +the piper's dhrink at all, it was so confusin', and so I was obliged to +pay him for that every time the piper dhrunk, and keep it separate, and +the 'lecthors that got their dinner afther the bill was made out I put +down myself too, and that's it you see, sir, both ating and dhrinkin'." + + To Dhrinkin A blind piper everry day + wan and in Pens six dais 0 16 6 + To atein four Tin Illikthurs And Thare 1 8 8 + horses on Chewsdai 0 14 0 + --------- + Toe til 2 19 4 + Lan lord Bil For All Be four 7 17 8-1/2 + --------- + 10 18 12-1/2 + +"Then I owe you money, instead of your having a balance in hand, Andy," +said the member. + +"Oh, no matter, your honour; it's not for that I showed you the +account." + +"It's very like it, though," said Scatterbrain, laughing; "here, Andy, +here are a couple of pounds for you, take them, Andy--take it and be +off; your bill is worth the money," and Scatterbrain closed the door on +the great accountant. + +Andy next went to Furlong's room, to know if the pocket-book belonged +to him; it did not, but Furlong, though he disclaimed the ownership, had +that small curiosity which prompts little minds to pry into what does +not belong to them, and taking the pocket-book into his hands, he opened +it, and fumbled over its leaves; in the doing of which a small piece of +folded paper fell from one of the pockets unnoticed by the impertinent +inquisitor or Andy, to whom he returned the book when he had gratified +his senseless curiosity. Andy withdrew, Furlong retired to rest; and as +it was in the grey of an autumnal morning he dressed himself, the paper +still remained unobserved: so that the housemaid, on setting the room +to rights, found it, and fancying Miss Augusta was the proper person to +confide Mr. Furlong's stray papers to, she handed that young lady the +manuscript which bore the following copy of verses:-- + +I CAN NE'ER FORGET THEE + +I + + It is the chime, the hour draws near + When you and I must sever; + Alas, it must be many a year, + And it _may_ be for ever! + How long till we shall meet again! + How short since first I met thee! + How brief the bliss--how long the pain-- + For I can ne'er forget thee. + +II + + You said my heart was cold and stern; + You doubted love when strongest: + In future days you'll live to learn + Proud hearts can love the longest. + Oh! sometimes think, when press'd to hear, + When flippant tongues beset thee, + That _all_ must love thee, when thou'rt near, + But _one_ will ne'er forget thee! + +III + + The changeful sand doth only know + The shallow tide and latest; + The rocks have mark'd its highest flow, + The deepest and the greatest; + And deeper still the flood-marks grow:-- + So, since the hour I met thee, + The more the tide of time doth flow, + The less can I forget thee! + +When Augusta saw the lines, she was charmed. She discovered her Furlong +to be a poet! That the lines were his there was no doubt--they were +_found in his room,_ and of course they _must_ be his, just as partial +critics say certain Irish airs must be English, because they are to be +found in Queen Elizabeth's music-book. + +Augusta was so charmed with the lines that she amused herself for a long +time in hiding them under the sofa-cushion and making her pet dog find +and fetch them. Her pleasure, however, was interrupted by her sister +Charlotte remarking, when the lines were shown to her in triumph, that +the writing was not Furlong's, but in a lady's hand. + +Even as beer is suddenly soured by thunder, so the electric influence +of Charlotte's words converted all Augusta had been brewing to acidity; +jealousy stung her like a wasp, and she boxed her dog's ears as he was +barking for another run with the verses. + +"A _lady's_ hand?" said Augusta, snatching the paper from her sister; "I +declare if it ain't! the wretch--so he receives lines from ladies." + +"I think I know the hand, too," said Charlotte. + +"You do?" exclaimed Augusta, with flashing eyes. + +"Yes, I'm certain it is Fanny Dawson's writing." + +"So it is," said Augusta, looking at the paper as if her eyes could have +burnt it; "to be sure--he was there before he came here." + +"Only for two days," said Charlotte, trying to slake the flame she had +raised. + +"But I've heard that girl always makes conquests at first sight," +returned Augusta, half crying; "and what do I see here? some words in +pencil." + +The words were so faint as to be scarcely perceptible, but Augusta +deciphered them; they were written on the margin, beside a circumflex +which embraced the last four lines of the second verse, so that it stood +thus:-- + +[Sidenote: Dearest, I will.] + + Oh! sometimes think, when press'd to hear, + When flippant tongues beset thee, + That _all_ must love thee when thou'rt near, + But _one_ will ne'er forget thee! + +"Will you, indeed?" said Augusta, crushing the paper in her hand, and +biting it; "but I must not destroy it--I must keep it to prove his +treachery to his face." She threw herself on the sofa as she spoke, and +gave vent to an outpour of spiteful tears. + + + + +CHAPTER XXVII + + +How many chapters have been written about love verses--and how many +more might be written!--might, would, could, should, or ought to be +written!--I will venture to say, _will_ be written! I have a mind to +fulfil my own prophecy and write one myself; but no--my story must go +on. However, I _will_ say, that it is quite curious in how many ways the +same little bit of paper may influence different people: the poem whose +literary merit may be small becomes precious when some valued hand has +transcribed the lines; and the verses whose measure and meaning viewed +in type might win favour and yield pleasure, shoot poison from their +very sweetness, when read in some particular hand and under particular +circumstances. It was so with the copy of verses Augusta had just +read--they were Fanny Dawson's manuscript--that was certain--and found +in the room of Augusta's lover; therefore Augusta was wretched. But +these same lines had given exquisite pleasure to another person, who was +now nearly as miserable as Augusta in having lost them. It is possible +the reader guesses that person to be Edward O'Connor, for it was he who +had lost the pocket-book in which those (to him) precious lines were +contained; and if the little case had held all the bank-notes he ever +owned in his life, their loss would have been regarded less than that +bit of manuscript, which had often yielded _him_ the most exquisite +pleasure, and was now inflicting on Augusta the bitterest anguish. To +make this intelligible to the reader, it is necessary to explain under +what circumstances the lines were written. At one time, Edward, doubting +the likelihood of making his way at home, was about to go to India and +push his fortunes there; and at that period, those lines, breathing of +farewell--implying the dread of rivals during absence--and imploring +remembrance of his eternal love, were written and given to Fanny; and +she, with that delicacy of contrivance so peculiarly a woman's, hit upon +the expedient of copying his own verses and sending them to him in her +writing, as an indication that the spirit of the lines was her own. + +But Edward saw that his father, who was advanced in years, looked upon a +separation from his son as an eternal one, and the thought gave so +much pain, that Edward gave up the idea of expatriation. Shortly after, +however, the misunderstanding with Major Dawson took place, and Fanny +and Edward were as much severed as if dwelling in different zones. Under +such circumstances, those lines were peculiarly precious, and many a +kiss had Edward impressed upon them, though Augusta thought them fitter +for the exercise of her teeth than her lips. In fact, Edward did little +else than think of Fanny; and it is possible his passion might have +degenerated into mere love-sickness, and enfeebled him, had not +his desire of proving himself worthy of his mistress spurred him to +exertion, in the hope of future distinction. But still the tone of +tender lament pervaded all his poems, and the same pocket-book whence +the verses which caused so much commotion fell contained the following +also, showing how entirely Fanny possessed his heart and occupied his +thoughts:-- + +WHEN THE SUN SINKS TO REST + +I + + When the sun sinks to rest, + And the star of the west + Sheds its soft silver light o'er the sea; + What sweet thoughts arise, + As the dim twilight dies-- + For then I am thinking of thee! + Oh! then crowding fast + Come the joys of the past, + Through the dimness of days long gone by, + Like the stars peeping out, + Through the darkness about, + From the soft silent depth of the sky. + +II + + And thus, as the night + Grows more lovely and bright + With the clust'ring of planet and star, + So this darkness of mine + Wins a radiance divine + From the light that still lingers afar. + Then welcome the night, + With its soft holy light! + In its silence my heart is more free + The rude world to forget, + Where no pleasure I've met + Since the hour that I parted from thee. + +But we must leave love verses, and ask pardon for the few remarks which +the subject tempted, and pursue our story. + +The first prompting of Augusta's anger, when she had recovered her burst +of passion, was to write "_such a letter_" to Furlong--and she spent +half a day at the work; but she could not please herself--she tore +twenty at least, and determined, at last, not to write at all, but just +wait till he returned and overwhelm him with reproaches. But, though she +could not compose a letter, she composed herself by the endeavour, which +acted as a sort of safety-valve to let off the superabundant steam; +and it is wonderful how general is this result of sitting down to +write angry letters: people vent themselves of their spleen on the +uncomplaining paper, which silently receives words a listener would not. +With a pen for our second, desperate satisfaction is obtained with only +an effusion of ink, and when once the pent-up bitterness has oozed out +in all the blackness of that fluid--most appropriately made of the best +galls--the time so spent, and the "letting of words," if I may use the +phrase, has cooled our judgment and our passions together; and the +first letter is torn: 't is _too_ severe; we write a second; we blot and +interline till it is nearly illegible; we begin a third; till at last we +are tired out with our own angry feelings, and throw our scribbling by +with a "Pshaw! what's the use of it?" or, "It's not worth my notice;" +or, still better, arrive at the conclusion, that we preserve our own +dignity best by writing without temper, though we may be called upon to +be severe. + +Furlong at this time was on his road to Dublin in happy unconsciousness +of Augusta's rage against him, and planning what pretty little present +he should send her specially, for his head was naturally running on such +matters, as he had quantities of commissions to execute in the millinery +line for Mrs. O'Grady, who thought it high time to be getting up +Augusta's wedding-dresses, and Andy was to be despatched the following +day to Dublin to take charge of a cargo of bandboxes back from that city +to Neck-or-Nothing Hall. Furlong had received a thousand charges from +the ladies, "to be sure to lose no time" in doing his devoir in their +behalf, and he obeyed so strictly, and was so active in laying milliners +and mercers under contributions, that Andy was enabled to start the day +after his arrival, sorely against Andy's will, for he would gladly have +remained amidst the beauty and grandeur and wonders of Dublin, which +struck him dumb for the day he was amongst them, but gave him food for +conversation for many a day after. Furlong, after racking his invention +about the souvenir to his "dear Gussy," at length fixed on a fan, as the +most suitable gift; for Gussy had been quizzed at home about "blushing," +and all that sort of thing, and the puerile perceptions of the _attache_ +saw something very smart in sending her wherewith "to hide her blushes." +Then the fan was the very pink of fans; it had quivers and arrows upon +it, and bunches of hearts looped up in azure festoons, and doves perched +upon them; though Augusta's little sister, who was too young to know +what hearts and doves were, when she saw them for the first time, said +they were pretty little birds picking at apples. The fan was packed up +in a nice case, and then on scented note paper did the dear dandy +indite a bit of namby-pamby badinage to his fair one, which he thought +excessively clever:-- + +"DEAR DUCKY DARLING,--You know how naughty they are in quizzing you +about a little something, _I won't say what,_ you will guess, I dare +say--but I send you a little toy, _I won't say what,_ on which +Cupid might write this label after the doctor's fashion, 'To be used +occasionally, when the patient is much troubled with the symptoms.' + +"Ever, ever, ever yours, + +"P.S. Take care how you open it." + +"J.F." + +Such was the note that Handy Andy was given, with particular injunctions +to deliver it the first thing on his arrival at the Hall to Miss +Augusta, and to be sure to take most particular care of the little +case; all which Andy faithfully promised to do. But Andy's usual destiny +prevailed, and an unfortunate exchange of parcels quite upset all +Furlong's sweet little plan of his pretty present and his ingenious +note: for as Andy was just taking his departure, Furlong said he might +as well leave something for him at Reade's, the cutler, as he passed +through College Green, and he handed him a case of razors which wanted +setting, which Andy popped into his pocket, and as the fan case and that +of the razors were much of a size, and both folded up, Andy left the +fan at the cutler's and took the case of razors by way of present +to Augusta. Fancy the rage of a young lady with a very fine pair of +_moustachios_ getting such a souvenir from her lover, with a note, too, +every word of which applied to a beard and a razor, as patly as to a +blush and a fan--and this, too, when her jealousy was aroused and his +fidelity more than doubtful in her estimation. + +Great was the row in Neck-or-Nothing Hall; and when, after three days, +Furlong came down, the nature of his reception may be better imagined +than described. It was a difficult matter, through the storm which raged +around him, to explain all the circumstances satisfactorily, but, by +dint of hard work, the verses were at length disclaimed, the razors +disavowed, and Andy at last sent for to "clear matters up." + +Andy was a hopeful subject for such a purpose, and by his blundering +answers nearly set them all by the ears again; the upshot of the affair +was, that Andy, used as he was to good scoldings, never had such a +torrent of abuse poured on him in his life, and the affair ended in +Andy being dismissed from Neck-or-Nothing Hall on the instant; so he +relinquished his greasy livery for his own rags again, and trudged +homewards to his mother's cabin. + +"She'll be as mad as a hatter with me," said Andy; "bad luck to them for +razhirs, they cut me out o' my place: but I often heard cowld steel +is unlucky, and sure I know it now. Oh! but I'm always unfort'nate in +having cruked messages. Well, it can't be helped; and one good thing +at all events is, I'll have time enough now to go and spake to Father +Blake;" and with this sorry piece of satisfaction poor Andy contented +himself. + + + + +CHAPTER XXVIII + + +The Father Blake, of whom Andy spoke, was more familiarly known by the +name of Father Phil, by which title Andy himself would have named +him, had he been telling how Father Phil cleared a fair, or equally +"leathered" both the belligerent parties in a faction-fight, or turned +out the contents (or malcontents) of a public-house at an improper +hour; but when he spoke of his Reverence respecting ghostly matters, the +importance of the subject begot higher consideration for the man, and +the familiar "Father Phil" was dropped for the more respectful title +of Father Blake. By either title, or in whatever capacity, the +worthy Father had great influence over his parish, and there was a +free-and-easy way with him, even in doing the most solemn duties, which +agreed wonderfully with the devil-may-care spirit of Paddy. Stiff +and starched formality in any way is repugnant to the very nature of +Irishmen; and I believe one of the surest ways of converting all Ireland +from the Romish faith would be found, if we could only manage to have +her mass celebrated with the dry coldness of the Reformation. This may +seem ridiculous at first sight, and I grant it is a grotesque way of +viewing the subject, but yet there may be truth in it; and to consider +it for a moment seriously, look at the fact, that the north of Ireland +is the stronghold of Protestantism, and that the north is the _least_ +Irish portion of the island. There is a strong admixture of Scotch +there, and all who know the country will admit that there is nearly as +much difference between men from the north and south of Ireland as from +different countries. The Northerns retain much of the cold formality +and unbending hardness of the stranger-settlers from whom they are +descended, while the Southerns exhibit that warm-hearted, lively, and +poetical temperament for which the country is celebrated. The prevailing +national characteristics of Ireland are not to be found in the north, +where Protestantism flourishes; they are to be found in the south and +west, where it has never taken root. And though it has never seemed +to strike theologians, that in their very natures some people are more +adapted to receive one faith than another, yet I believe it to be true, +and perhaps not quite unworthy of consideration. There are forms, it is +true, and many in the Romish church, but they are not _cold_ forms, but +_attractive_ rather, to a sensitive people; besides, I believe those +very forms, when observed the least formally, are the most influential +on the Irish; and perhaps the splendours of a High Mass in the gorgeous +temple of the Holy City would appeal less to the affections of an Irish +peasant than the service he witnesses in some half-thatched ruin by a +lone hillside, familiarly hurried through by a priest who has sharpened +his appetite by a mountain ride of some fifteen miles, and is +saying mass (for the third time most likely) before breakfast, which +consummation of his morning's exercise he is anxious to arrive at. + +It was just in such a chapel, and under such circumstances, that Father +Blake was celebrating the mass at which Andy was present, and after +which he hoped to obtain a word of advice from the worthy Father, +who was much more sought after on such occasions than his more sedate +superior who presided over the spiritual welfare of the parish--and +whose solemn celebration of the mass was by no means so agreeable as the +lighter service of Father Phil. The Rev. Dominick Dowling was +austere and long-winded; _his_ mass had an oppressive effect on his +congregation, and from the kneeling multitude might be seen eyes +fearfully looking up from under bent brows, and low breathings and +subdued groans often rose above the silence of his congregation, who +felt like sinners, and whose imaginations were filled with the thoughts +of Heaven's anger; while the good-humoured face of the light-hearted +Father Phil produced a corresponding brightness on the looks of his +hearers, who turned up their whole faces in trustfulness to the mercy of +that Heaven whose propitiatory offering their pastor was making for them +in cheerful tones, which associated well with thoughts of pardon and +salvation. + +Father Dominick poured forth his spiritual influence like a strong dark +stream that swept down the hearer--hopelessly struggling to keep his +head above the torrent, and dreading to be overwhelmed at the next +word. Father Phil's religion bubbled out like a mountain rill--bright, +musical, and refreshing. Father Dominick's people had decidedly need of +cork jackets; Father Phil's might drink and be refreshed. + +But with all this intrinsic worth, he was, at the same time, a strange +man in exterior manners; for, with an abundance of real piety, he had +an abruptness of delivery and a strange way of mixing up an occasional +remark to his congregation in the midst of the celebration of the mass, +which might well startle a stranger; but this very want of formality +made him beloved by the people, and they would do ten times as much for +Father Phil as for Father Dominick. + +On the Sunday in question, when Andy attended the chapel, Father Phil +intended delivering an address to his flock from the altar, urging them +to the necessity of bestirring themselves in the repairs of the chapel, +which was in a very dilapidated condition, and at one end let in the +rain through its worn-out thatch. A subscription was necessary; and +to raise this among a very impoverished people was no easy matter. The +weather happened to be unfavourable, which was most favourable to Father +Phil's purpose, for the rain dropped its arguments through the roof upon +the kneeling people below in the most convincing manner; and as they +endeavoured to get out of the wet, they pressed round the altar as +much as they could, for which they were reproved very smartly by +his Reverence in the very midst of the mass, and these interruptions +occurred sometimes in the most serious places, producing a ludicrous +effect, of which the worthy Father was quite unconscious in his great +anxiety to make the people repair the chapel. + +A big woman was elbowing her way towards the rails of the altar, +and Father Phil, casting a sidelong glance at her, sent her to the +right-about, while he interrupted his appeal to Heaven to address her +thus:--_"Agnus Dei_--you'd better jump over the rails of the althar, I +think. Go along out o' that, there's plenty o' room in the chapel below +there." + +Then he would turn to the altar, and proceed with the service, till +turning again to the congregation he perceived some fresh offender. + +_"Orate, fratres!_--will you mind what I say to you and go along out of +that? there's room below there. Thrue for you, Mrs. Finn--it's a shame +for him to be thramplin' on you. Go along, Darby Casy, down there, and +kneel in the rain; it's a pity you haven't a dacent woman's cloak undher +you indeed!--_Orate, fratres!_" + +Then would the service proceed again, and while he prayed in silence at +the altar, the shuffling of feet edging out of the rain would disturb +him, and casting a backward glance, he would say-- + +"I hear you there--can't you be quiet and not be disturbin' the mass, +you haythens?" + +Again he proceeded in silence, till the crying of a child interrupted +him. He looked round quickly. + +"You'd better kill the child, I think, thramplin' on him, Lavery. Go +out o' that--your conduct is scandalous--_Dominus vobiscum!_" Again he +turned to pray, and after some time he made an interval in the service +to address his congregation on the subject of the repairs, and produced +a paper containing the names of subscribers to that pious work who had +already contributed, by way of example to those who had not. + +"Here it is," said Father Phil, "here it is, and no denying it--down +in black and white; but if they who give are down in black, how much +blacker are those who have not given at all!--but I hope they will +be ashamed of themselves when I howld up those to honour who have +contributed to the uphowlding of the house of God. And isn't it +ashamed o' yourselves you ought to be, to leave His house in such a +condition--and doesn't it rain a'most every Sunday, as if He wished to +remind you of your duty? aren't you wet to the skin a'most every Sunday? +Oh, God is good to you! to put you in mind of your duty, giving you such +bitther cowlds that you are coughing and sneezin' every Sunday to that +degree that you can't hear the blessed mass for a comfort and a benefit +to you; and so you'll go on sneezin' until you put a good thatch on the +place, and prevent the appearance of the evidence from Heaven against +you every Sunday, which is condemning you before your faces, and behind +your backs too, for don't I see this minit a strame o' wather that might +turn a mill running down Micky Mackavoy's back, between the collar of +his coat and his shirt?" + +Here a laugh ensued at the expense of Micky Mackavoy, who certainly +_was_ under a very heavy drip from the imperfect roof. + +"And is it laughing you are, you haythens?" said Father Phil, reproving +the merriment which he himself had purposely created, _that he +might reprove it_. "Laughing is it you are--at your backslidings and +insensibility to the honour of God--laughing, because when you come here +to be _saved_ you are _lost_ intirely with the wet; and how, I ask you, +are my words of comfort to enter your hearts, when the rain is pouring +down your backs at the same time? Sure I have no chance of turning your +hearts while you are undher rain that might turn a mill--but once put a +good roof on the house, and I will inundate you with piety! Maybe it's +Father Dominick you would like to have coming among you, who would grind +your hearts to powdher with his heavy words." (Here a low murmur of +dissent ran through the throng.) "Ha! ha! so you wouldn't like it, I +see. Very well, very well--take care then, for if I find you insensible +to my moderate reproofs, you hard-hearted haythens--you malefacthors and +cruel persecuthors, that won't put your hands in your pockets, because +your mild and quiet poor fool of a pasthor has no tongue in his head!--I +say your mild, quiet, poor fool of a pasthor (for I know my own faults, +partly, God forgive me!), and I can't spake to you as you deserve, you +hard-living vagabones, that are as insensible to your duties as you are +to the weather. I wish it was sugar or salt you were made of, and then +the rain might melt you if I couldn't: but no--them naked rafthers grin +in your face to no purpose--you chate the house of God; but take care, +maybe you won't chate the divil so aisy"--(here there was a sensation). +"Ha! ha! that makes you open your ears, does it? More shame for you; +you ought to despise that dirty enemy of man, and depend on something +betther--but I see I must call you to a sense of your situation with +the bottomless pit undher you, and no roof over you. Oh dear! dear! +dear!--I'm ashamed of you--troth, if I had time and sthraw enough, I'd +rather thatch the place myself than lose my time talking to you; sure +the place is more like a stable than a chapel. Oh, think of that!--the +house of God to be like a stable!--for though our Redeemer, in his +humility, was born in a stable, that is no reason why you are to keep +his house always like one. + +"And now I will read you the list of subscribers, and it will make you +ashamed when you hear the names of several good and worthy Protestants +in the parish, and out of it, too, who have given more than the +Catholics." + +He then proceeded to read the following list, which he interlarded +copiously with observations of his own; making _viva voce_ marginal +notes as it were upon the subscribers, which were not unfrequently +answered by the persons so noticed, from the body of the chapel, and +laughter was often the consequence of these rejoinders, which Father +Phil never permitted to pass without a retort. Nor must all this be +considered in the least irreverent. A certain period is allowed between +two particular portions of the mass, when the priest may address his +congregation on any public matter: an approaching pattern, or fair, or +the like; in which, exhortations to propriety of conduct, or warnings +against faction fights, &c., are his themes. Then they only listen in +reverence. But when a subscription for such an object as that already +mentioned is under discussion, the flock consider themselves entitled to +"put in a word" in case of necessity. + +This preliminary hint is given to the reader, that he may better enter +into the spirit of Father Phil's + +SUBSCRIPTION LIST FOR THE REPAIRS AND ENLARGEMENT OF +BALLY-SLOUGHGUTPHERY CHAPEL + + L s. d. PHILIP BLAKE, P.P. + Micky Hicky 0 7 6 "He might as well have made ten + shillings: but half a loaf is betther + than no bread." + + "Plase your reverence," says + Mick, from the body of the chapel, + "sure seven and six-pence is more + than the half of ten shillings." + (_A laugh_.) + + "Oh! how witty you are. 'Faith, + if you knew your duty as well as + your arithmetic, it would be betther + for you, Micky." + + Here the Father turned the laugh + against Mick. + + L s. d. + Bill Riley 0 3 4 "Of course he means to subscribe + again. + + L s. d. + John Dwyer 0 15 0 "That's something like! I'll + be bound he's only keeping back + the odd five shillings for a brush + full o' paint for the althar; it's as + black as a crow, instead o' being as + white as a dove." + + He then hurried over rapidly some + small subscribers as follows:-- + + Peter Heffernan 0 1 8 + James Murphy 0 2 6 + Mat Donovan 0 1 3 + Luke Dannely 0 3 0 + Jack Quigly 0 2 1 + Pat Finnegan 0 2 2 + Edward O'Connor, Esq. 2 0 0 "There's for you! Edward + O'Connor, Esq., _a Protestant in the + parish_--Two pounds!" + + "Long life to him," cried a voice + in the chapel. + + "Amen," said Father Phil; "I'm + not ashamed to be clerk to so good + a prayer. + + Nicholas Fagan 0 2 6 + Young Nicholas Fagan 0 5 0 "Young Nick is better than owld + Nick, you see." + + The congregation honoured the + Father's demand on their risibility. + + L s. d. + Tim Doyle 0 7 6 + Owny Doyl 1 0 0 "Well done, Owny na Coppal--you + deserve to prosper for you + make good use of your thrivings. + + L s. d. + Simon Leary 0 2 6 + Bridget Murphy 0 10 0 "You ought to be ashamed o' + yourself, Simon: a lone widow + woman gives more than you." + + Simon answered, "I have a large + family, sir, and she has no childhre." + + "That's not her fault," said the + priest--"and maybe she'll mend o' + that yet." This excited much + merriment, for the widow was buxom, + and had recently buried an old + husband, and, by all accounts, was + cocking her cap at a handsome young + fellow in the parish. + + L s. d. + Judy Moylan 0 5 0 Very good, Judy; the women are + behaving like gentlemen; they'll + have their reward in the next world. + + Pat Finnerty 0 3 4 "I'm not sure if it is 8s. 4d. or + 3s. 4d., for the figure is blotted-- + but I believe it is 8s. 4d." + + "It was three and four pince + I gave your reverence," said Pat + from the crowd. + + "Well, Pat, as I said eight and + four pence you must not let me go + back o' my word, so bring me five + shillings next week." + + "Sure you wouldn't have me pay + for a blot, sir?" + + "Yes, I would--that's the rule + of back-mannon, you know, Pat. + When I hit the blot, you pay + for it." + + Here his reverence turned round, + as if looking for some one, and + called out, "Rafferty! Rafferty! + Rafferty! Where are you, Rafferty?" + + An old grey-headed man appeared, + bearing a large plate, and Father + Phil continued-- + + "There now, be active--I'm + sending him among you, good people, + and such as cannot give as + much as you would like to be read + before your neighbours, give what + little you can towards the repairs, + and I will continue to read out the + names by way of encouragement to + you, and the next name I see is + that of Squire Egan. Long life to + him! + L s. d. + Squire Egan 5 0 0 "Squire Egan--five pounds-- + listen to that--five pounds--a + Protestant in the parish--five + pounds! 'Faith, the Protestants will + make you ashamed of yourselves, if + we don't take care. + L s. d. + Mrs. Flanagan 2 0 0 "Not her own parish, either--a + kind lady. + + L s. d. + James Milligan + of Roundtown 1 0 0 "And here I must remark that + the people of Roundtown have not + been backward in coming forward + on this occasion. I have a long list + from Roundtown--I will read it + separate." He then proceeded at a + great pace, jumbling the town and + the pounds and the people in a most + extraordinary manner: "James + Milligan of Roundtown, one pound; + Darby Daly of Roundtown, one + pound; Sam Finnigan of Roundtown, + one pound; James Casey of + Roundpound, one town; Kit Dwyer + of Townpound, one round--pound + I mane; Pat Roundpound--Pounden, + I mane--Pat Pounden a pound + of Poundtown also--there's an + example for you!--but what are you + about, Rafferty? _I don't like the + sound of that plate of yours_;-- + you are not a good gleaner--go up + first into the gallery there, where I + see so many good-looking bonnets--I + suppose they will give something to + keep their bonnets out of the rain, + for the wet will be into the gallery + next Sunday if they don't. I think + that is Kitty Crow I see, getting her + bit of silver ready; them ribbons of + yours cost a trifle, Kitty. Well, + good Christians, here is more of the + subscription for you. + L s. d. + Matthew Lavery 0 2 6 "_He_ doesn't belong to + Roundtown--Roundtown will be renowned + in future ages for the support + of the Church. Mark my + words--Roundtown will prosper + from this day out--Roundtown + will be a rising place. + + Mark Hennessy 0 2 6 + Luke Clancy 0 2 6 + John Doolin 0 2 6 "One would think they all agreed + only to give two and sixpence apiece. + And they comfortable men, too! + And look at their names--Matthew, + Mark, Luke, and John, the + names of the Blessed Evangelists, + and only ten shillings among them! + Oh, they are apostles not worthy of + the name--we'll call them the _Poor + Apostles_ from this out" (here a + low laugh ran through the chapel)-- + "Do you hear that, Matthew, Mark, + Luke, and John? 'Faith! I can tell + you that name will stick to you.'" + (Here the laugh was louder.) + + A voice, when the laugh subsided, + exclaimed, "I'll make it ten + shillin's, your reverence." + + "Who's that?" said Father Phil. + + "Hennessy, your reverence." + + "Very well, Mark. I suppose + Matthew, Luke, and John will follow + your example?" + + "We will, your reverence." + + "Ah! I thought you made a mistake; + we'll call you now the _Faithful + Apostles_--and I think the change + in the name is better than seven + and sixpence apiece to you. + + "I see you in the gallery there, + Rafferty. What do you pass that + well-dressed woman for?--thry back + --ha!--see that--she had her money + ready if you only asked for it--don't + go by that other woman + there--oh, oh!--So you won't give + anything, ma'am. You ought to be + ashamed of yourself. There is a + woman with an elegant sthraw bonnet, + and she won't give a farthing. + Well now--afther that--remember--I + give it from the althar, that + _from this day out sthraw bonnets + pay fi'penny pieces._ + + L s. d. + Thomas Durfy, Esq. 1 0 0 "It's not his parish and he's a + brave gentleman. + + L s. d. + Miss Fanny Dawson 1 0 0 "_A Protestant out of the parish_, + and a sweet young lady, God bless + her! Oh, 'faith, the Protestants is + shaming you!!! + + L s. d. + Dennis Fannin 0 7 6 "Very good, indeed, for a working + mason." + + Jemmy Riley 0 5 0 "Not bad for a hedge-carpenther." + + +"I gave you ten, plaze, your reverence," shouted Jemmy, "and by the same +token, you may remember it was on the Nativity of the Blessed Vargin, +sir, I gave you the second five shillin's." + +"So you did, Jemmy," cried Father Phil--"I put a little cross before it, +to remind me of it; but I was in a hurry to make a sick call when you +gave it to me, and forgot it after: and indeed myself doesn't know what +I did with that same five shillings." + +Here a pallid woman, who was kneeling near the rails of the altar, +uttered an impassioned blessing, and exclaimed, "Oh, that was the very +five shillings, I'm sure, you gave to me that very day, to buy some +little comforts for my poor husband, who was dying in the fever!"--and +the poor woman burst into loud sobs as she spoke. + +A deep thrill of emotion ran through the flock as this accidental +proof of their poor pastor's beneficence burst upon them; and as an +affectionate murmur began to rise above the silence which that +emotion produced, the burly Father Philip blushed like a girl at this +publication of his charity, and even at the foot of that altar where he +stood, felt something like shame in being discovered in the commission +of that virtue so highly commended by the Holy One to whose worship the +altar was raised. He uttered a hasty "Whisht--whisht!" and waved with +his outstretched hands his flock into silence. + +In an instant one of those sudden changes common to an Irish assembly, +and scarcely credible to a stranger, took place. The multitude was +hushed--the grotesque of the subscription list had passed away and was +forgotten, and that same man and that same multitude stood in altered +relations--_they_ were again a reverent flock, and _he_ once more a +solemn pastor; the natural play of his nation's mirthful sarcasm +was absorbed in a moment in the sacredness of his office; and with a +solemnity befitting the highest occasion, he placed his hands together +before his breast, and raising his eyes to Heaven he poured forth his +sweet voice, with a tone of the deepest devotion, in that reverential +call to prayer, "_Orate_, _fratres_." + +The sound of a multitude gently kneeling down followed, like the soft +breaking of a quiet sea on a sandy beach; and when Father Philip turned +to the altar to pray, his pent-up feelings found vent in tears; and +while he prayed, he wept. + +I believe such scenes as this are not of unfrequent occurrence in +Ireland; that country so long-suffering, so much maligned, and so little +understood. + +Suppose the foregoing scene to have been only described antecedent +to the woman in the outbreak of her gratitude revealing the priest's +charity, from which he recoiled,--suppose the mirthfulness of the +incidents arising from reading the subscription-list--a mirthfulness +bordering on the ludicrous--to have been recorded, and nothing more, +a stranger would be inclined to believe, and pardonable in the belief, +that the Irish and their priesthood were rather prone to be irreverent; +but observe, under this exterior, the deep sources of feeling that lie +hidden and wait but the wand of divination to be revealed. In a thousand +similar ways are the actions and the motives of the Irish understood by +those who are careless of them; or worse, misrepresented by those whose +interest, and too often _business_, it is to malign them. + +Father Phil could proceed no further with the reading of the +subscription-list, but finished the office of the mass with unusual +solemnity. But if the incident just recorded abridged his address, and +the publication of donors' names by way of stimulus to the less active, +it produced a great effect on those who had but smaller donations to +drop into the plate; and the grey-headed collector, who could have +numbered the scanty coin before the bereaved widow had revealed the +pastor's charity, had to struggle his way afterwards through the eagerly +outstretched hands that showered their hard-earned pence upon the plate, +which was borne back to the altar heaped with contributions, heaped as +it had not been seen for many a day. The studied excitement of +their pride and their shame--and both are active agents in the Irish +nature--was less successful than the accidental appeal to their +affections. + +Oh! rulers of Ireland, why have you not sooner learned to _lead_ that +people by love, whom all your severity has been unable to _drive_? +[Footnote: When this passage was written Ireland was disturbed (as she +has too often been) by special parliamentary provocation:--the vexatious +vigilance of legislative lynxes--the peevishness of paltry persecutors.] + +When the mass was over, Andy waited at the door of the chapel to +catch "his riverence" coming out, and obtain his advice about what he +overheard from Larry Hogan; and Father Phil was accordingly accosted +by Andy just as he was going to get into his saddle to ride over to +breakfast with one of the neighbouring farmers, who was holding the +priest's stirrup at the moment. The extreme urgency of Andy's manner, +as he pressed up to the pastor's side, made the latter pause and inquire +what he wanted. "I want to get some advice from your riverence," said +Andy. + +"'Faith, then, the advice I give you is never to stop a hungry man +when he is going to refresh himself," said Father Phil, who had quite +recovered his usual cheerfulness, and threw his leg over his little grey +hack as he spoke. "How could you be so unreasonable as to expect me to +stop here listening to your case, and giving you advice indeed, when +I have said three masses [Footnote: The office of the mass must be +performed fasting.] this morning, and rode three miles; how could you be +so unreasonable, I say?" + +"I ax your riverence's pardon," said Andy; "I wouldn't have taken the +liberty, only the thing is mighty particular intirely." + +"Well, I tell you again, never ask a hungry man advice; for he is likely +to cut his advice on the patthern of his stomach, and it's empty advice +you'll get. Did you never hear that a 'hungry stomach has no ears'?" + +The farmer who was to have the honour of the priest's company to +breakfast exhibited rather more impatience than the good-humoured Father +Phil, and reproved Andy for his conduct. + +"But it's so particular," said Andy. + +"I wondher you would dar' to stop his riverence, and he black fastin'. +Go 'long wid you!" + +"Come over to my house in the course of the week, and speak to me," said +Father Phil, riding away. + +Andy still persevered, and taking advantage of the absence of the +farmer, who was mounting his own nag at the moment, said the matter of +which he wished to speak involved the interests of Squire Egan, or he +would not "make so bowld." + +This altered the matter; and Father Phil desired Andy to follow him to +the farm-house of John Dwyer, where he would speak to him after he had +breakfasted. + + + + +CHAPTER XXIX + + +John Dwyer's house was a scene of activity that day, for not only was +the priest to breakfast there--always an affair of honour--but a grand +dinner was also preparing on a large scale; for a wedding-feast was to +be held in the house, in honour of Matty Dwyer's nuptials, which were to +be celebrated that day with a neighbouring young farmer, rather well to +do in the world. The match had been on and off for some time, for John +Dwyer was what is commonly called a "close-fisted fellow," and his +would-be son-in-law could not bring him to what he considered proper +terms, and though Matty liked young Casey, and he was fond of her, they +both agreed not to let old Jack Dwyer have the best of the bargain in +portioning off his daughter, who, having a spice of her father in her, +was just as fond of _number one_ as old Jack himself. And here it is +worthy of remark, that, though the Irish are so prone in general to +early and improvident marriages, no people are closer in their nuptial +barter, when they are in a condition to make marriage a profitable +contract. Repeated meetings between the elders of families take place, +and acute arguments ensue, properly to equalise the worldly goods to +be given on both sides. Pots and pans are balanced against pails and +churns, cows against horses, a slip of bog against a gravel-pit, or a +patch of meadow against a bit of a quarry; a little lime-kiln sometimes +burns stronger than the flame of Cupid--the doves of Venus herself are +but crows in comparison with a good flock of geese--and a love-sick +sigh less touching than the healthy grunt of a good pig; indeed, the +last-named gentleman is a most useful agent in this traffic, for when +matters are nearly poised, the balance is often adjusted by a grunter +or two thrown into either scale. While matters are thus in a state of +debate, quarrels sometimes occur between the lovers the gentleman's +caution sometimes takes alarm, and more frequently the lady's pride +is aroused at the too obvious preference given to worldly gain over +heavenly beauty; Cupid shies at Mammon, and Hymen is upset and left in +the mire. + +I remember hearing of an instance of this nature, when the lady gave her +_ci-devant_ lover an ingenious reproof, after they had been separated +some time, when a marriage-bargain was broken off, because the lover +could not obtain from the girl's father a certain brown filly as part of +her dowry. The damsel, after the lapse of some weeks, met her swain at a +neighbouring fair, and the flame of love still smouldering in his heart +was re-illumined by the sight of his charmer, who, on the contrary, +had become quite disgusted with _him_ for his too obvious preference of +profit to true affection. He addressed her softly in a tent, and asked +her to dance, but was most astonished at her returning him a look of +vacant wonder, which tacitly implied, _"Who are you?"_ as plain as looks +could speak. + +"Arrah, Mary," exclaimed the youth. + +"Sir!!!"--answered Mary, with what heroines call "ineffable disdain." + +"Why one would think you didn't know me!" + +"If I ever had the honour of your acquaintance, sir," answered Mary, "I +forget you entirely." + +"Forget me, Mary?--arrah be aisy--is it forget the man that was courtin' +and in love with you?" + +"You're under a mistake, young man," said Mary, with a curl of her rosy +lip, which displayed the pearly teeth to whose beauty her woman's nature +rejoiced that the recreant lover was not yet insensible--"You're under +a mistake, young man," and her heightened colour made her eye flash more +brightly as she spoke--"you're quite under a mistake--no one was ever in +love with _me_;" and she laid signal emphasis on the word. "There was +a dirty mane blackguard, indeed, once _in love with my father's brown +filly,_ but I forget him intirely." + +Mary tossed her head proudly as she spoke, and her filly-fancying +admirer, reeling under the reproof she inflicted, sneaked from the tent, +while Mary stood up and danced with a more open-hearted lover, whose +earnest eye could see more charms in one lovely woman than all the +horses of Arabia. + +But no such result as this was likely to take place in Matty Dwyer's +case; she and her lover agreed with one another on the settlement to +be made, and old Jack was not to be allowed an inch over what was +considered an even bargain. At length all matters were agreed upon, the +wedding-day fixed, and the guests invited; yet still both parties were +not satisfied, but young Casey thought he should be put into absolute +possession of a certain little farm and cottage, and have the lease +looked over to see all was right (for Jack Dwyer was considered rather +slippery), while old Jack thought it time enough to give him possession +and the lease and his daughter altogether. + +However, matters had gone so far that, as the reader has seen, the +wedding-feast was prepared, the guests invited, and Father Phil on the +spot to help James and Matty (in the facetious parlance of Paddy) to +"tie with their tongues what they could not undo with their teeth." + +When the priest had done breakfast, the arrival of Andy was announced to +him, and Andy was admitted to a private audience with Father Phil, the +particulars of which must not be disclosed; for in short, Andy made a +regular confession before the Father, and, we know, confessions must +be held sacred; but we may say that Andy confided the whole post-office +affair to the pastor--told him how Larry Hogan had contrived to worm +that affair out of him, and by his devilish artifice had, as Andy +feared, contrived to implicate Squire Egan in the transaction, and, +by threatening a disclosure, got the worthy Squire into his villanous +power. Andy, under the solemn queries of the priest, positively denied +having said one word to Hogan to criminate the Squire, and that Hogan +could only infer the Squire's guilt; upon which Father Phil, having +perfectly satisfied himself, told Andy to make his mind easy, for that +he would secure the Squire from any harm, and he moreover praised Andy +for the fidelity he displayed to the interests of his old master, and +declared he was so pleased with him, that he would desire Jack Dwyer +to ask him to dinner. "And that will be no blind nut, let me tell you," +said Father Phil--"a wedding dinner, you lucky dog--'lashings [Footnote: +Overflowing abundance, and plenty left after.] and lavings,' and no end +of dancing afther!" + +Andy was accordingly bidden to the bridal feast, to which the guests +began already to gather thick and fast. They strolled about the field +before the house, basked in groups in the sunshine, or lay in the shade +under the hedges, where hints of future marriages were given to many +a pretty girl, and to nudges and pinches were returned small screams +suggestive of additional assault--and inviting denials of "Indeed +I won't," and that crowning provocative to riotous conduct, "Behave +yourself." + +In the meantime, the barn was laid out with long planks, supported on +barrels or big stones, which planks, when covered with clean cloths, +made a goodly board, that soon began to be covered with ample wooden +dishes of corned beef, roasted geese, boiled chickens and bacon, and +intermediate stacks of cabbage and huge bowls of potatoes, all sending +up their wreaths of smoke to the rafters of the barn, soon to become +hotter from the crowd of guests, who, when the word was given, rushed to +the onslaught with right good will. + +The dinner was later than the hour named, and the delay arose from the +absence of one who, of all others, ought to have been present, namely, +the bridegroom. But James Casey was missing, and Jack Dwyer had +been closeted from time to time with several long-headed greybeards, +canvassing the occurrence, and wondering at the default on the +bridegroom's part. The person who might have been supposed to bear this +default the worst supported it better than any one. Matty was all life +and spirits, and helped in making the feast ready, as if nothing wrong +had happened; and she backed Father Phil's argument to sit down to +dinner at once;--"that if James Casey was not there, that was no reason +dinner should be spoiled, he'd be there soon enough; besides, if he +didn't arrive in time, it was better he should have good meat cold, than +everybody have hot meat spoiled: the ducks would be done to cindhers, +the beef boiled to rags, and the chickens be all in jommethry." + +So down they sat to dinner: its heat, its mirth, its clatter, and its +good cheer we will not attempt to describe; suffice it to say, the +viands were good, the guests hungry, and the drink unexceptionable; and +Father Phil, no bad judge of such matters, declared he never pronounced +grace over a better spread. But still, in the midst of the good cheer, +neighbours (the women particularly) would suggest to each other the +"wondher" where the bridegroom could be; and even within ear-shot of the +bride elect, the low-voiced whisper ran, of "Where in the world is James +Casey?" + +Still the bride kept up her smiles, and cheerfully returned the healths +that were drunk to her; but old Jack was not unmoved; a cloud hung on +his brow, which grew darker and darker as the hour advanced, and the +bridegroom yet tarried. The board was cleared of the eatables, and the +copious jugs of punch going their round; but the usual toast of the +united healths of the happy pair could not be given, for one of them +was absent. Father Phil hardly knew what to do; for even his overflowing +cheerfulness began to forsake him, and a certain air of embarrassment +began to pervade the whole assembly, till Jack Dwyer could bear it no +longer, and, standing up, he thus addressed the company:-- + +"Friends and neighbours, you see the disgrace that's put on me and my +child." + +A murmur of "No, no!" ran round the board. + +"I say, yis." + +"He'll come yet, sir," said a voice. + +"No, he won't," said Jack, "I see he won't--I know he won't. He wanted +to have everything all his own way, and he thinks to disgrace me in +doing what he likes, but he shan't"; and he struck the table fiercely as +he spoke; for Jack, when once his blood was up, was a man of desperate +determination. "He's a greedy chap, the same James Casey, and he loves +his bargain betther than he loves you, Matty, so don't look glum about +what I'm saying: I say he's greedy: he's just the fellow that, if you +gave him the roof off your house, would ax you for the rails before your +door; and he goes back of his bargain now, bekase I would not let him +have it all his own way, and puts the disgrace on me, thinkin' I'll give +in to him, through that same; but I won't. And I tell you what it is, +friends and neighbours; here's the lease of the three-cornered field +below there," and he held up a parchment as he spoke, "and a snug +cottage on it, and it's all ready for the girl to walk into with the man +that will have her; and if there's a man among you here that's willing, +let him say the word now, and I'll give her to him!" + +The girl could not resist an exclamation of surprise, which her father +hushed by a word and look so peremptory, that she saw remonstrance +was in vain, and a silence of some moments ensued; for it was rather +startling, this immediate offer of a girl who had been so strangely +slighted, and the men were not quite prepared to make advances, until +they knew something more of the why and wherefore of her sweetheart's +desertion. + +"Are yiz all dumb?" exclaimed Jack, in surprise. "Faix, it's not every +day a snug little field and cottage and a good-looking girl falls in a +man's way. I say again, I'll give her and the lase to the man that will +say the word." + +Still no one spoke, and Andy began to think they were using Jack Dwyer +and his daughter very ill, but what business had _he_ to think of +offering himself, "a poor devil like him"? But, the silence still +continuing, Andy took heart of grace; and as the profit and pleasure of +a snug match and a handsome wife flushed upon him, he got up and said, +"Would I do, sir?" + +Every one was taken by surprise, even old Jack himself; and Matty could +not suppress a faint exclamation, which every one but Andy understood to +mean "she didn't like it at all," but which Andy interpreted quite the +other way, and he grinned his loutish admiration of Matty, who turned +away her head from him in sheer distaste, which action Andy took for +mere coyness. + +Jack was in a dilemma, for Andy was just the last man he would have +chosen as a husband for his daughter; but what could he do? he was +taken at his word, and even at the worst he was determined that some one +should marry the girl out of hand, and show Casey the "disgrace should +not be put on him"; but, anxious to have another chance, he stammered +something about the fairness of "letting the girl choose," and that +"some one else might wish to spake"; but the end of all was, that no one +rose to rival Andy, and Father Phil bore witness to the satisfaction he +had that day in finding so much uprightness and fidelity in "the boy"; +that he had raised his character much in his estimation by his conduct +that day; and if he was a little giddy betimes, there was nothing like +a wife to steady him; and if he was rather poor, sure Jack Dwyer could +mend that. + +"Then come up here," says Jack; and Andy left his place at the very end +of the board and marched up to the head, amidst clapping of hands and +thumping of the table, and laughing and shouting. + +"Silence!" cried Father Phil, "this is no laughing matther, but a +serious engagement--and, John Dwyer, I tell you--and you Andy Rooney, +that girl must not be married against her own free-will; but if she has +no objection, well and good." + +"My will is her pleasure, I know," said Jack, resolutely. + +To the surprise of every one, Matty said, "Oh, I'll take the boy with +all my heart!" + +Handy Andy threw his arms round her neck and gave her a most vigorous +salute which came smacking off, and thereupon arose a hilarious shout +which made the old rafters of the barn ring again. + +"There's the lase for you," said Jack, handing the parchment to Andy, +who was now installed in the place of honour beside the bride elect at +the head of the table, and the punch circulated rapidly in filling to +the double toast of health, happiness, and prosperity to the "happy +pair"; and after some few more circuits of the enlivening liquor had +been performed, the women retired to the dwelling-house, whose sanded +parlour was put in immediate readiness for the celebration of the +nuptial knot between Matty and the adventurous Andy. + +In half an hour the ceremony was performed, and the rites and blessings +of the Church dispensed between two people, who, an hour before, had +never looked on each other with thoughts of matrimony. + +Under such circumstances it was wonderful with what lightness of +spirit Matty went through the honours consequent on a peasant bridal in +Ireland: these, it is needless to detail; our limits would not permit; +but suffice it to say, that a rattling country-dance was led off by Andy +and Matty in the barn, intermediate jigs were indulged in by the "picked +dancers" of the parish, while the country dancers were resting and +making love (if making love can be called rest) in the corners, and that +the pipers and punch-makers had quite enough to do until the night was +far spent, and it was considered time for the bride and bridegroom to be +escorted by a chosen party of friends to the little cottage which was to +be their future home. The pipers stood at the threshold of Jack Dwyer, +and his daughter departed from under the "roof-tree" to the tune of "Joy +be with you"; and then the lilters, heading the body-guard of the bride, +plied drone and chanter right merrily until she had entered her new +home, thanked her old friends (who did all the established civilities, +and cracked all the usual jokes attendant on the occasion); and Andy +bolted the door of the snug cottage of which he had so suddenly become +master, and placed a seat for the bride beside the fire, requesting +_"Miss Dwyer"_ to sit down--for Andy could not bring himself to call her +"Matty" yet--and found himself in an awkward position in being "lord +and master" of a girl he considered so far above him a few hours before; +Matty sat quiet, and looked at the fire. + +"It's very quare, isn't it?" says Andy with a grin, looking at her +tenderly, and twiddling his thumbs. + +"What's quare?" inquired Matty, very drily. + +"The estate," responded Andy. + +"What estate?" asked Matty. + +"Your estate and my estate," said Andy. + +"Sure you don't call the three-cornered field my father gave us an +estate, you fool?" answered Matty. + +"Oh no," said Andy. "I mane the blessed and holy estate of matrimony the +priest put us in possession of;" and Andy drew a stool near the heiress, +on the strength of the hit he thought he had made. + +"Sit at the other side of the fire," said Matty, very coldly. + +"Yes, miss," responded Andy, very respectfully; and in shoving his seat +backwards the legs of the stool caught in the earthen floor, and Andy +tumbled heels over head. + +Matty laughed while Andy was picking himself up with increased +confusion at this mishap; for even amidst rustics there is nothing more +humiliating than a lover placing himself in a ridiculous position at the +moment he is doing his best to make himself agreeable. + +"It is well your coat's not new," said Matty, with a contemptuous look +at Handy's weather-beaten vestment. + +"I hope I'll soon have a betther," said Andy, a little piqued, with all +his reverence for the heiress, at this allusion to his poverty. "But +sure it wasn't the coat you married, but the man that's in it; and sure +I'll take off my clothes as soon as you please, Matty, my dear--Miss +Dwyer, I mane--I beg your pardon." + +"You had better wait till you get better," answered Matty, very drily. +"You know the old saying, 'Don't throw out your dirty wather until you +get in fresh.'" + +"Ah, darlin', don't be cruel to me!" said Andy, in a supplicating tone. +"I know I'm not desarvin' of you, but sure I did not make so bowld as to +make up to you until I seen that nobody else would have you." + +"Nobody else have me!" exclaimed Matty, as her eyes flashed with anger. + +"I beg your pardon, miss," said poor Andy, who in the extremity of his +own humility had committed such an offence against Matty's pride. "I +only meant that--" + +"Say no more about it," said Matty, who recovered her equanimity. +"Didn't my father give you the lase of the field and house?" + +"Yis, miss." + +"You had better let me keep it then; 'twill be safer with me than you." + +"Sartainly," said Andy, who drew the lease from his pocket and handed it +to her, and--as he was near to her--he attempted a little familiarity, +which Matty repelled very unequivocally. + +"Arrah! is it jokes you are crackin'?" said Andy, with a grin, advancing +to renew his fondling. + +"I tell you what it is," said Matty, jumping up, "I'll crack your head +if you don't behave yourself!" and she seized the stool on which she had +been sitting, and brandished it in a very amazonian fashion. + +"Oh, wirra! wirra!" said Andy, in amaze--"aren't you my wife?" + +"_Your_ wife!" retorted Matty, with a very devil in her eye--"_Your_ +wife, indeed, you great _omadhaun_; why, then, had you the brass to +think I'd put up with _you_?" + +"Arrah, then, why did you marry me?" said Andy, in a pitiful +argumentative whine. + +"Why did I marry you?" retorted Matty--"Didn't I know betther than +refuse you, when my father said the word _when the divil was busy +with him_? Why did I marry you?--it's a pity I didn't refuse, and be +murthered that night, maybe, as soon as the people's backs was turned. +Oh, it's little you know of owld Jack Dwyer, or you wouldn't ask me +that; but, though I'm afraid of him, I'm not afraid of you--so stand off +I tell you." + +"Oh, Blessed Virgin!" cried Andy; "and what will be the end of it?" + +There was a tapping at the door as he spoke. + +"You'll soon see what will be the end of it," said Matty, as she walked +across the cabin and opened to the knock. + +James Casey entered and clasped Matty in his arms; and half a dozen +athletic fellows and one old and debauched-looking man followed, and the +door was immediately closed after their entry. + +Andy stood in amazement while Casey and Matty caressed each other; and +the old man said in a voice tremulous with intoxication, "A very pretty +filly, by jingo!" + +"I lost no time the minute I got your message, Matty," said Casey, "and +here's the Father ready to join us." + +"Ay, ay," cackled the old reprobate--"hammer and tongs!--strike while +the iron's hot!--I'm the boy for a short job"; and he pulled a greasy +book from his pocket as he spoke. + +This was a degraded clergyman, known in Ireland under the title of +"Couple-Beggar," who is ready to perform irregular marriages on such +urgent occasions as the present; and Matty had contrived to inform James +Casey of the desperate turn affairs had taken at home, and recommended +him to adopt the present plan, and so defeat the violent measure of her +father by one still more so. + +A scene of uproar now ensued, for Andy did not take matters quietly, but +made a pretty considerable row, which was speedily quelled, however, by +Casey's bodyguard, who tied Andy neck and heels, and in that +helpless state he witnessed the marriage ceremony performed by the +"couple-beggar," between Casey and the girl he had looked upon as his +own five minutes before. + +In vain did he raise his voice against the proceeding; the +"couple-beggar" smothered his objections in ribald jests. + +"You can't take her from me, I tell you," cried Andy. + +"No; but we can take you from her," said the "couple-beggar"; and, at +the words, Casey's friends dragged Andy from the cottage, bidding a +rollicking adieu to their triumphant companion, who bolted the door +after them and became possessor of the wife and property poor Andy +thought he had secured. + +To guard against an immediate alarm being given, Andy was warned on pain +of death to be silent as his captors bore him along, and he took them +to be too much men of their word to doubt they would keep their promise. +They bore him through a lonely by-lane for some time, and on arriving at +the stump of an old tree, bound him securely to it, and left him to pass +his wedding-night in the tight embraces of hemp. + + + + +CHAPTER XXX + + +The news of Andy's wedding, so strange in itself, and being celebrated +before so many, spread over the country like wildfire, and made the talk +of half the barony for the next day, and the question, "_Arrah, did +you hear of the wondherful wedding?_" was asked in high-road and +by-road,--and scarcely a _boreen_ whose hedges had not borne witness +to this startling matrimonial intelligence. The story, like all other +stories, of course got twisted into various strange shapes, and +fanciful exaggerations became grafted on the original stem, sufficiently +grotesque in itself; and one of the versions set forth how old Jack +Dwyer, the more to vex Casey, had given his daughter the greatest +fortune that ever had been heard of in the country. + +Now one of the open-eared people who had caught hold of the story by +this end happened to meet Andy's mother, and, with a congratulatory +grin, began with "The top o' the mornin' to you, Mrs. Rooney, and sure I +wish you joy." + +"Och hone, and for why, dear?" answered Mrs. Rooney, "sure, it's nothin' +but trouble and care I have, poor and in want, like me." + +"But sure you'll never be in want any more." + +"Arrah, who towld you so, agra?" + +"Sure the boy will take care of you now, won't he?" + +"What boy?" + +"Andy, sure!" + +"Andy!" replied his mother, in amazement. "Andy, indeed!--out o' place, +and without a bawbee to bless himself with!--stayin' out all night, the +blackguard!" + +"By this and that, I don't think you know a word about it," cried the +friend, whose turn it was for wonder now. + +"Don't I, indeed?" said Mrs. Rooney, huffed at having her word doubted, +as she thought. "I tell you he never _was_ at home last night, and +maybe it's yourself was helping him, Micky Lavery, to keep his bad +coorses--the slingein' dirty blackguard that he is." + +Micky Lavery set up a shout of laughter, which increased the ire of Mrs. +Rooney, who would have passed on in dignified silence but that Micky +held her fast, and when he recovered breath enough to speak, he +proceeded to tell her about Andy's marriage, but in such a disjointed +way, that it was some time before Mrs. Rooney could comprehend him--for +his interjectional laughter at the capital joke it was, that she should +be the last to know it, and that he should have the luck to tell +it, sometimes broke the thread of his story--and then his collateral +observations so disfigured the tale, that its incomprehensibility became +very much increased, until at last Mrs. Rooney was driven to push him by +direct questions. + +"For the tendher mercy, Micky Lavery, make me sinsible, and don't +disthract me--is the boy married?" + +"Yis, I tell you." + +"To Jack Dwyer's daughter?" + +"Yis." + +"And gev him a fort'n'?" + +"Gev him half his property, I tell you, and he'll have all when the owld +man's dead." + +"Oh, more power to you, Andy!" cried his mother in delight: "it's you +that _is_ the boy, and the best child that ever was! Half his property, +you tell me, _Misther_ Lavery?" added she, getting distant and polite +the moment she found herself mother to a rich man, and curtailing her +familiarity with a poor one like Lavery. + +"Yes, _ma'am_," said Lavery, touching his hat, "and the whole of it when +the owld man dies." + +"Then indeed I wish him a happy relase!" [Footnote: A "happy release" +is the Irish phrase for departing this life] said Mrs. Rooney, +piously--"not that I owe the man any spite--but sure he'd be no +loss--and it's a good wish to any one, sure, to wish them in heaven. +Good mornin', Misther Lavery," said Mrs. Rooney, with a patronising +smile, and "going the road with a dignified air." + +Mick Lavery looked after her with mingled wonder and indignation. "Bad +luck to you, you owld sthrap!" he muttered between his teeth. "How +consaited you are, all of a sudden--by Jakers, I'm sorry I +towld you--cock you up, indeed--put a beggar on horseback to be +sure--humph!--the devil cut the tongue out o' me if ever I give any one +good news again. I've a mind to turn back and tell Tim Dooling his horse +is in the pound." + +Mrs. Rooney continued her dignified pace as long as she was in sight +of Lavery, but the moment an angle of the road screened her from his +observation, off she set, running as hard as she could, to embrace her +darling Andy, and realise with her own eyes and ears all the good news +she had heard. She puffed out by the way many set phrases about the +goodness of Providence, and arranged at the same time sundry fine +speeches to make to the bride; so that the old lady's piety and flattery +ran a strange couple together along with herself; while mixed up with +her prayers and her blarney, were certain speculations about Jack +Dwyer--as to how long he could _live_--and how much he might _leave_. + +It was in this frame of mind she reached the hill which commanded a view +of the three-cornered field and the snug cottage, and down she rushed to +embrace her darling Andy and his gentle bride. Puffing and blowing like +a porpoise, bang she went into the cottage, and Matty being the first +person she met, she flung herself upon her, and covered her with +embraces and blessings. + +Matty, being taken by surprise, was some time before she could shake off +the old beldame's hateful caresses; but at last getting free and tucking +up her hair, which her imaginary mother-in-law had clawed about her +ears, she exclaimed in no very gentle tones-- + +"Arrah, good woman, who axed for _your_ company--who are you at all?" + +"Your mother-in-law, jewel!" cried the Widow Rooney, making another +open-armed rush at her beloved daughter-in-law; but Matty received the +widow's protruding mouth on her clenched fist instead of her lips, and +the old woman's nose coming in for a share of Matty's knuckles, a ruby +stream spurted forth, while all the colours of the rainbow danced before +Mrs. Rooney's eyes as she reeled backward on the floor. + +"Take that, you owld faggot!" cried Matty, as she shook Mrs. Rooney's +tributary claret from the knuckles which had so scientifically tapped +it, and wiped her hand in her apron. + +The old woman roared "millia' murthur" on the floor, and snuffled out a +deprecatory question "if that was the proper way to be received in her +son's house." + +"_Your_ son's house, indeed!" cried Matty. "Get out o' the place, you +stack o' rags." + +"Oh, Andy! Andy!" cried the mother, gathering herself up. + +"Oh--that's it, is it!" cried Matty; "so it's Andy you want?" + +"To be sure: why wouldn't I want him, you hussy? My boy! my darlin'! my +beauty!" + +"Well, go look for him!" cried Matty, giving her a shove towards the +door. "Well, now, do you think I'll be turned out of my son's house +so quietly as that, you unnatural baggage?" cried Mrs. Rooney, facing +round, fiercely. Upon which a bitter altercation ensued between the +women; in the course of which the widow soon learnt that Andy was not +the possessor of Matty's charms: whereupon the old woman, no longer +having the fear of damaging her daughter-in-law's beauty before her +eyes, tackled to for a fight in right earnest, in the course of which +some reprisals were made by the widow in revenge for her broken nose; +but Matty's youth and activity, joined to her Amazonian spirit, turned +the tide in her favour, though, had not the old lady been blown by her +long run, the victory would not have been so easy, for she was a tough +customer, and _left_ Matty certain marks of her favour that did not +rub out in a hurry--while she took _away_ (as a keepsake) a handful of +Matty's hair, by which she had long held on till a successful kick from +the gentle bride finally ejected Mrs. Rooney from the house. + +Off she reeled, bleeding and roaring, and while on her approach she +had been blessing Heaven and inventing sweet speeches for Matty, on her +retreat she was cursing fate and heaping all sorts of hard names on the +Amazon she came to flatter. Alas, for the brevity of human exultation! + +How fared it in the meantime with Andy? He, poor devil! had passed a +cold night, tied up to the old tree, and as the morning dawned, every +object appeared to him through the dim light in a distorted form; the +gaping hollow of the old trunk to which he was bound seemed like a huge +mouth, opening to swallow him, while the old knots looked like eyes, +and the gnarled branches like claws, staring at and ready to tear him in +pieces. + +A raven, perched above him on a lonely branch, croaked dismally, till +Andy fancied he could hear words of reproach in the sounds, while a +little tomtit chattered and twittered on a neighbouring bough, as if +he enjoyed and approved of all the severe things the raven uttered. The +little tomtit was the worst of the two, just as the solemn reproof +of the wise can be better borne than the impertinent remark of some +chattering fool. To these imaginary evils was added the reality of some +enormous water-rats that issued from an adjacent pool and began to eat +Andy's hat and shoes, which had fallen off in his struggle with his +captors; and all Andy's warning ejaculations could not make the vermin +abstain from his shoes and his hat, which, to judge from their eager +eating, could not stay their stomachs long, so that Andy, as he looked +on at the rapid demolition, began to dread that they might transfer +their favours from his attire to himself, until the tramp of approaching +horses relieved his anxiety, and in a few minutes two horsemen stood +before him--they were Father Phil and Squire Egan. + +Great was the surprise of the Father to see the fellow he had married +the night before, and whom he supposed to be in the enjoyment of his +honeymoon, tied up to a tree and looking more dead than alive; and his +indignation knew no bounds when he heard that a "couple-beggar" had +dared to celebrate the marriage ceremony, which fact came out in the +course of the explanation Andy made of the desperate misadventure which +had befallen him; but all other grievances gave way in the eyes of +Father Phil to the "couple-beggar." + +"A 'couple-beggar'!--the audacious vagabones!" he cried, while he and +the Squire were engaged in loosing Andy's bonds. "A 'couple-beggar' +in my parish! How fast they have tied him up, Squire!" he added, as he +endeavoured to undo a knot. "A 'couple-beggar,' indeed! I'll undo the +marriage!--have you a knife about you, Squire?--the blessed and holy tie +of matrimony!--it's a black knot, bad luck to it, and must be cut--take +your leg out o' that now--and wait till I lay my hands on them--a +'couple-beggar' indeed!" + +"A desperate outrage this whole affair has been!" said the Squire. + +"But a 'couple-beggar,' Squire." + +"His house broken into--" + +"But a 'couple-beggar'--" + +"His wife taken from him--" + +"But a 'couple-beggar'--" + +"The laws violated--" + +"But _my dues_, Squire--think o' that!--what would become o' _them_, if +'couple-beggars' is allowed to show their audacious faces in the parish. +Oh, wait till next Sunday, that's all--I'll have them up before the +althar, and I'll make them beg God's pardon, and my pardon, and the +congregation's pardon, the audacious pair!" [Footnote: A man and woman +who had been united by a "couple-beggar" were called up one Sunday by +the priest in the face of the congregation, and summoned, as Father Phil +threatens above, to beg God's pardon, and the priest's pardon, and the +congregation's pardon; but the woman stoutly refused the last condition. +"I'll beg God's pardon and your Reverence's pardon," she said, "but I +won't beg the congregation's pardon." "You won't?" says the priest. +"I won't," says she. "Oh you conthrairy baggage," cried his Reverence: +"take her home out o' that," said he to her husband who HAD humbled +himself--"take her home, and leather her well--for she wants it; and if +you don't leather her, you'll be sorry--for if you don't make her afraid +of you, she'll master YOU, too--take her home and leather her."--FACT.] + +"It's an assault on Andy," said the Squire. + +"It's a robbery on me," said Father Phil. + +"Could you identify the men?" said the Squire. + +"Do you know the 'couple-beggar'?" said the priest. + +"Did James Casey lay his hands on you?" said the Squire; "for he's a +good man to have a warrant against." + +"Oh, Squire, Squire!" ejaculated Father Phil; "talking of laying hands +on _him_ is it you are?--didn't that blackguard 'couple-beggar' lay +his dirty hands on a woman that my bran new benediction was upon! Sure, +they'd do anything after that!" By this time Andy was free, and having +received the Squire's directions to follow him to Merryvale, Father +Phil and the worthy Squire were once more in their saddles and proceeded +quietly to the same place, the Squire silently considering the audacity +of the _coup-de-main_ which robbed Andy of his wife, and his reverence +puffing out his rosy cheeks and muttering sundry angry sentences, the +only intelligible words of which were "couple-beggar." + + + + +CHAPTER XXXI + + +Doubtless the reader has anticipated that the presence of Father Phil in +the company of the Squire at this immediate time was on account of the +communication made by Andy about the post-office affair. Father Phil had +determined to give the Squire freedom from the strategetic coil in which +Larry Hogan had ensnared him, and lost no time in setting about it; and +it was on his intended visit to Merryvale that he met its hospitable +owner, and telling him there was a matter of some private importance he +wished to communicate, suggested a quiet ride together; and this it +was which led to their traversing the lonely little lane where they +discovered Andy, whose name was so principal in the revelations of that +day. + +To the Squire those revelations were of the dearest importance; for they +relieved his mind from a weight which had been oppressing it for some +time, and set his heart at rest. Egan, it must be remarked, was an odd +mixture of courage and cowardice: undaunted by personal danger, but +strangely timorous where moral courage was required. A remarkable +shyness, too, made him hesitate constantly in the utterance of a word +which might explain away any difficulty in which he chanced to find +himself; and this helped to keep his tongue tied in the matter where +Larry Hogan had continued to make himself a bugbear. He had a horror, +too, of being thought capable of doing a dishonourable thing, and the +shame he felt at having peeped into a letter was so stinging, that the +idea of asking any one's advice in the dilemma in which he was placed +made him recoil from the thought of such aid. Now, Father Phil had +relieved him from the difficulties his own weakness imposed; the subject +had been forced upon him; and once forced to speak he made a full +acknowledgment of all that had taken place; and when he found Andy had +not borne witness against him, and that Larry Hogan only _inferred_ his +participation in the transaction, he saw on Father Phil's showing that +he was not really in Larry Hogan's power; for though he admitted he had +given Larry a trifle of money from time to time when Larry asked for it, +under the influence of certain innuendoes, yet that was no proof against +him; and Father Phil's advice was to get Andy out of the way as soon as +possible, and then to set Larry quietly at defiance--that is to say, in +Father Phil's own words, "to keep never minding him." + +Now Andy not being encumbered with a wife (as fate had so ordained it) +made the matter easier, and the Squire and the Father, as they rode +towards Merryvale together to dinner, agreed to pack off Andy without +delay, and thus place him beyond Hogan's power; and as Dick Dawson was +going to London with Murphy, to push the petition against Scatterbrain's +return, it was looked upon as a lucky chance, and Andy was at once named +to bear them company. + +"But you must not let Hogan know that Andy is sent away under your +patronage, Squire," said the Father, "for that would be presumptive +evidence you had an interest in his absence; and Hogan is the very +blackguard would see it fast enough, for he is a knowing rascal." + +"He's the deepest scoundrel I ever met," said the Squire. + +"As knowing as a jailer," said Father Phil. "A jailer, did I say--by +dad, he bates any jailer I ever heard of--for that fellow is so 'cute, +he _could keep Newgate with a book and eye."_ + +"By-the-bye, there's one thing I forgot to tell you, respecting those +letters I threw into the fire; for remember, Father, I only peeped into +_one_ and destroyed the others; but one of the letters, I must tell you, +was directed to yourself." + +"'Faith, then, I forgive you that, Squire," said Father Phil, "for I +hate letters; but if you have any scruple of conscience on the subject, +write me one yourself, and that will do as well." + +The Squire could not help thinking the Father's mode of settling the +difficulty worthy of Handy Andy himself; but he did not tell the Father +so. + +They had now reached Merryvale, where the good-humoured priest was +heartily welcomed, and where Doctor Growling, Dick Dawson, and Murphy +were also guests at dinner. Great was the delight of the party at the +history they heard, when the cloth was drawn, of Andy's wedding, so +much in keeping with his former life and adventures, and Father Phil had +another opportunity of venting his rage against the "couple-beggar." + +"That was but a slip-knot you tied, Father," said the doctor. + +"Aye, aye! joke away, doctor." + +"Do you think, Father Phil," said Murphy, "that _that_ marriage was made +in heaven, where we are told marriages _are_ made?" + +"I don't suppose it was, Mr. Murphy; for if it had it would have held +upon earth." + +"Very well answered, Father," said the Squire. + +"I don't know what other people think about matches being made in +heaven," said Growling, "but I have my suspicions they are sometimes +made in another place." + +"Oh, fie, doctor!" said Mrs. Egan. + +"The doctor, ma'am, is an old bachelor," said Father Phil, "or he +wouldn't say so." + +"Thank you, Father Phil, for so polite a speech." + +The doctor took his pencil from his pocket and began to write on a small +bit of paper, which the priest observing, asked him what he was about, +"or is it writing a prescription you are," said he, "for compounding +better marriages than I can?" + +"Something very naughty, I dare say, the doctor is doing," said Fanny +Dawson. + +"Judge for yourself, lady fair," said the doctor, handing Fanny the slip +of paper. + +Fanny looked at it for a moment and smiled, but declared it was very +wicked indeed. + +"Then read it for the company, and condemn me out of your own pretty +mouth, Miss Dawson," said the doctor. + +"It is too wicked." + +"If it is ever so wicked," said Father Phil, "the wickedness will be +neutralised by being read by an angel." + +"Well done, St. Omer's," cried Murphy. + +"Really, Father," said Fanny, blushing, "you are desperately gallant +to-day, and just to shame you, and show how little of an angel I am, I +_will_ read the doctor's epigram:-- + + 'Though matches are all made in heaven, they say, + Yet Hymen, who mischief oft hatches, + Sometimes deals with the house _t'other side of the way_, + And _there_ they make _Lucifer_ matches.'" + +"Oh, doctor! I'm afraid you are a woman-hater," said Mrs. Egan. "Come +away, Fanny, I am sure they want to get rid of us." + +"Yes," said Fanny, rising and joining her sister, who was leaving the +room, "and now, after abusing poor Hymen, gentlemen, we leave you to +your favourite worship of Bacchus." + +The departure of the ladies changed the conversation, and after the +gentlemen had resumed their seats, the doctor asked Dick Dawson how soon +he intended going to London. + +"I start immediately," said Dick. "Don't forget to give me that letter +of introduction to your friend in Dublin, whom I long to know." + +"Who is he?" asked the Squire. + +"One Tom Loftus--or, as his friends call him, 'Piping Tom,' from his +vocal powers; or, as some nickname him, '_Organ_ Loftus,' from his +imitation of that instrument, which is an excessively comical piece of +caricature." + +"Oh! I know him well," said Father Phil. + +"How did you manage to become acquainted with him?" inquired the doctor, +"for I did not think he lay much in your way." + +"It was _he_ became acquainted with me," said Father Phil, "and this +was the way of it--he was down on a visit betimes in the parish I was in +before this, and his behaviour was so wild that I was obliged to make +an allusion in the chapel to his indiscretions, and threaten to make +his conduct a subject of severe public censure if he did not mind his +manners a little better. Well, my dear, who should call on me on +the Monday morning after but Misther Tom, all smiles and graces, and +protesting he was sorry he fell under my displeasure, and hoping I would +never have cause to find fault with him again. Sure, I thought he was +repenting of his misdeeds, and I said I was glad to hear such good +words from him. 'A' then, Father,' says he, 'I hear you have got a great +curiosity from Dublin--a shower-bath, I hear?' So I said I had: and +indeed, to be candid, I was as proud as a peacock of the same bath, +which tickled my fancy when I was once in town, and so I bought it. +'Would you show it to me?' says he. 'To be sure,' says I, and off I +went, like a fool, and put the wather on the top, and showed him how, +when a string was pulled, down it came--and he pretended not clearly +to understand the thing, and at last he said, 'Sure it's not into that +sentry-box you get?' says he. 'Oh yes,' said I, getting into it quite +innocent; when, my dear, he slaps the door and fastens it on me, and +pulls the string and souses me with the water, and I with my best suit +of black on me. I roared and shouted inside while Misther Tom Loftus was +screechin' laughing outside, and dancing round the room with delight. At +last, when he could speak, he said, 'Now, Father, we're even,' says he, +'for the abuse you gave me yesterday,' and off he ran." + +"That's just like him," said old Growling, chuckling; "he's a queer +devil. I remember on one occasion a poor dandy puppy, who was in the +same office with him--for Tom is in the Ordnance department, you must +know--this puppy, sir, wanted to go to the Ashbourne races and cut a +figure in the eyes of a rich grocer's daughter he was sweet upon." + +"Being sweet upon a grocer's daughter," said Murphy, "is like bringing +coals to Newcastle." + +"'Faith! it was coals to Newcastle with a vengeance, in the present +case, for the girl would have nothing to say to him, and Tom had great +delight whenever he could annoy this poor fool in his love-making plots. +So, when he came to Tom to ask for the loan of his horse, Tom said he +should have him _if he could make the smallest use of him_--'but I don't +think you can,' said Tom. 'Leave that to me,' said the youth. 'I don't +think you could make him go,' said Tom. 'I'll buy a new pair of spurs,' +said the puppy. 'Let them be handsome ones,' said Tom. 'I was looking at +a very handsome pair at Lamprey's, yesterday,' said the young gentleman. +'Then you can buy them on your way to my stables,' said Tom; and sure +enough, sir, the youth laid out his money on a very costly pair of +persuaders, and then proceeded homewards with Tom. 'Now, with all your +spurs,' said Tom, 'I don't think you'll be able to make him go.' 'Is he +so very vicious, then?' inquired the youth, who began to think of his +neck. 'On the contrary,' said Tom, 'he's perfectly quiet, but won't go +for _you_, I'll bet a pound.' 'Done!' said the youth. 'Well, try him,' +said Tom, as he threw open the stable door. 'He's lazy, I see,' said the +youth; 'for he's lying down.' 'Faith, he is,' said Tom, 'and hasn't got +up these two days!' 'Get up, you brute!' said the innocent youth, giving +a smart cut of his whip on the horse's flank; but the horse did not +budge. '_Why, he's dead!_' says he. 'Yes,' says Tom, 'since Monday last. +So I don't think you can make him go, and you've lost your bet!'" + +"That was hardly a fair joke," said the Squire. + +"Tom never stops to think of that," returned the doctor; "he's the +oddest fellow I ever knew. The last time I was in Dublin, I called on +Tom and found him one bitter cold and stormy morning standing at an open +window, nearly quite undressed. On asking him what he was about, he +said he was _getting up a bass voice_; that Mrs. Somebody, who gave good +dinners and bad concerts, was disappointed of her bass singer, 'and I +think,' said Tom, 'I'll be hoarse enough in the evening to take double +B flat. Systems are the fashion now,' said he; 'there is the Logierian +system and other systems, and mine is the Cold-air-ian system, and the +best in the world for getting up a bass voice.'" + +"That was very original certainly," said the Squire. + +"But did you ever hear of his adventure with the Duke of Wellington?" +said the doctor. + +"The Duke!" they all exclaimed. + +"Yes--that is, when he was only Sir Arthur Wellesley. Well, I'll tell +you." + +"Stop," said the Squire, "a fresh story requires a fresh bottle. Let me +ring for some claret." + + + + +CHAPTER XXXII + + +The servant who brought in the claret announced at the same time the +arrival of a fresh guest in the person of "Captain Moriarty," who +was welcomed by most of the party by the name of Randal. The Squire +regretted he was too late for dinner, inquiring at the same time if +he would like to have something to eat at the side-table; but Randal +declined the offer, assuring the Squire he had got some refreshment +during the day while he had been out shooting; but as the sport led, him +near Merryvale, and "he had a great thirst upon him," he did not know a +better house in the country wherein to have "that same" satisfied. + +"Then you're just in time for some cool claret," said the Squire; "so +sit down beside the doctor, for he must have the first glass and broach +the bottle, before he broaches the story he's going to tell us--that's +only fair." + +The doctor filled his glass, and tasted. "What a nice _'chateau,' +'Margaux'_ must be," said he, as he laid down his glass. "I should like +to be a tenant-at-will there, at a small rent." + +"And no taxes," said Dick. + +"Except my duty to the claret," replied the doctor. + + 'My favourite chateau, + Is that of Margaux.' + +"By-the-bye, talking of _chateau_, there's the big brewer over at the +town, who is anxious to affect gentility, and he heard some one use the +word _chapeau_, and having found out it was the French for _hat_, he +determined to show off on the earliest possible occasion, and selected +a public meeting of some sort to display his accomplishment. Taking +some cause of objection to the proceedings, as an excuse for leaving the +meeting, he said, 'Gentlemen, the fact is I can't agree with you, so I +may as well take my _chateau_ under my arm at once, and walk.'" + +[Illustration: Tom Organ Loftus and the Duke] + +"Is not that an invention of your own, doctor?" said the Squire. + +"I heard it for fact," said Growling. + +"And 't is true," added Murphy, "for I was present when he said it. And +at an earlier part of the proceedings he suggested that the parish clerk +should read the resolutions, because he had a good '_laudable_ voice.'" + +"A parish clerk ought to have," said the doctor--"eh, Father +Phil?--'_Laudamus!_'" + +"Leave your Latin," said Dick, "and tell us that story you promised +about the Duke and Tom Loftus." + +"Right, Misther Dick," said Father Phil. + +"The story, doctor," said the Squire. + +"Oh, don't make such bones about it," said Growling; "'tis but a trifle +after all; only it shows you what a queer and reckless rascal Tom is. I +told you he was called '_Organ_' Loftus by his friends, in consequence +of the imitation he makes of that instrument; and it certainly is worth +hearing and seeing, for your eyes have as much to do with the affair +as your ears. Tom plants himself on a high office-stool, before one of +those lofty desks with long rows of drawers down each side and a +hole between to put your legs under. Well, sir, Tom pulls out the +top drawers, like the stops of an organ, and the lower ones by way of +pedals: and then he begins thrashing the desk like the finger-board of +an organ with his hands, while his feet kick away at the lower drawers +as if he were the greatest pedal performer out of Germany, and he +emits a rapid succession of grunts and squeaks, producing a ludicrous +reminiscence of the instrument, which I defy any one to hear without +laughing. Several sows and an indefinite number of sucking pigs could +not make a greater noise, and Tom himself declares he studied the +instrument in a pigsty, which he maintains gave the first notion of +an organ. Well, sir, the youths in the office assist in 'doing the +service,' as they call it, that is, making an imitation of the chanting +and so forth in St. Patrick's Cathedral." + +"Oh, the haythens!" said Father Phil. + +"One does Spray, and another Weyman, and another Sir John Stevenson, and +so on; and they go on responsing and singing 'Amen' till the Ordnance +Office rings again." + +"Have they nothing better to do?" asked the Squire. + +"Very little but reading the papers," said the doctor. + +"Well--Tom--you must know, sir--was transferred some time ago, by the +interest of many influential friends, to the London department; and the +fame of his musical powers had gone before him from some of the English +clerks in Ireland who had been advanced to the higher posts in Dublin, +and kept up correspondence with their old friends in London; and it was +not long until Tom was requested to go through an anthem on the great +office-desk. Tom was only too glad to be asked, and he kept the +whole office in a roar for an hour with all the varieties of the +instrument--from the diapason to the flute-stop--and the devil a more +business was done in the office _that_ day, and Tom before long made the +sober English fellows as great idlers as the chaps in Dublin. Well--it +was not long until a sudden flush of business came upon the department, +in consequence of the urgent preparations making for supplies to Spain, +at the time the Duke was going there to take the command of the army, +and organ-playing was set aside for some days; but the fellows, after +a week's abstinence, began to yearn for it and Tom was requested to 'do +the service.' Tom, nothing loath, threw aside his official papers, set +up a big ledger before him, and commenced his legerdemain, as he called +it, pulled out his stops, and began to work away like a weaver, while +every now and then he swore at the bellows-blower for not giving him +wind enough, whereupon the choristers would kick the bellows-blower to +accelerate his flatulency. Well, sir, they were in the middle of the +service, and all the blackguards making the responses in due season, +when, just as Tom was quivering under a portentous grunt, which might +have shamed the principal diapason of Harlaem, and the subs were +drawing out a resplendent 'A-a-a-men,' the door opened, and in walked a +smart-looking gentleman, with rather a large nose and quick eye, which +latter glanced round the office, where a sudden endeavour was made by +everybody to get back to his place. The smart gentleman seemed rather +surprised to see a little fat man blowing at a desk instead of the +fire, and long Tom kicking, grunting, and squealing like mad. The +bellows-blower was so taken by surprise he couldn't stir, and Tom, +having his back to them, did not see what had taken place, and went on +as if nothing had happened, till the smart gentleman went up to him, and +tapping on Tom's desk with a little riding-whip, he said, 'I'm sorry to +disturb you, sir, but I wish to know what you're about.' 'We're doing +the service, sir,' said Tom, no ways abashed at the sight of the +stranger, for he did not know it was Sir Arthur Wellesley was talking to +him. 'Not the _public_ service, sir,' said Sir Arthur. 'Yes, sir,' said +Tom, 'the service as by law established in the second year of the reign +of King Edward the Sixth,' and he favoured the future hero of Waterloo +with a touch of the organ. 'Who is the head of this office?' inquired +Sir Arthur. Tom, with a very gracious bow, replied, 'I am principal +organist, sir, and allow me to introduce you to the principal +bellows-blower'--and he pointed to the poor little man who let the +bellows fall from his hand as Sir Arthur fixed his eyes on him. Tom did +not perceive till now that all the clerks were taken with a sudden fit +of industry, and were writing away for the bare life; and he cast a +look of surprise round the office while Sir Arthur was looking at the +bellows-blower. One of the clerks made a wry face at Tom, which showed +him all was not right. 'Is this the way His Majesty's service generally +goes on here?' said Sir Arthur, sharply. No one answered; but Tom saw, +by the long faces of the clerks and the short question of the visitor, +that he was _somebody_. + +"'Some transports are waiting for ordnance stores, and I am referred +to this office,' said Sir Arthur; 'can any one give me a satisfactory +answer?' + +"The senior clerk present (for the head of the office was absent) came +forward and said, 'I believe, sir----' + +"'You _believe_, but you don't _know_,' said Sir Arthur; 'so I must wait +for stores while you are playing tomfoolery here. I'll report this.' +Then producing a little tablet and a pencil, he turned to Tom and said, +'Favour me with your name, sir?' + +"'I give you my honour, sir,' said Tom. + +"'I'd rather you'd give me the stores, sir,--I'll trouble you for your +name?' + +"'Upon my honour, sir,' said Tom, again. + +"'You seem to have a great deal of that article on your hands, sir,' +said Sir Arthur: 'you're an Irishman, I suppose?' + +"'Yes, sir,' said Tom. + +"'I thought so. Your name?' + +"'Loftus, sir.' + +"'Ely family?' + +"'No, sir.' + +"'Glad of it.' + +"He put up his tablet after writing the name. + +"'May I beg the favour to know, sir,' said Tom, 'to whom I have the +honour of addressing myself?' "'Sir Arthur Wellesley, sir.' + +"'Oh! J---s!' cried Tom, 'I'm done!' + +"Sir Arthur could not help laughing at the extraordinary change in Tom's +countenance; and Tom, taking advantage of this relaxation in his iron +manner, said in a most penitent tone, 'Oh, Sir Arthur Wellesley, only +forgive me this time, and 'pon my _sowl_ says he--with the richest +brogue--'I'll play a _Te Deum_ for the first licking you give the +French.' Sir Arthur smiled and left the office." + +"Did he report as he threatened?" asked the Squire. + +"'Faith, he did." + +"And Tom?" inquired Dick. + +"Was sent back to Ireland, sir." + +"That was hard, after the Duke smiled at him," said Murphy. + +"Well, he did not let him suffer in pocket; he was transferred at as a +good a salary to a less important department, but you know the Duke has +been celebrated all his life for never overlooking a breach of duty." + +"And who can blame him?" said Moriarty. + +"One great advantage of the practice has been," said the Squire, "that +no man has been better served. I remember hearing a striking instance of +what, perhaps, might be called severe justice, which he exercised on a +young and distinguished officer of artillery in Spain; and though one +cannot help pitying the case of the gallant young fellow who was the +sacrifice, yet the question of strict duty, _to the very word_, was +set at rest for ever under the Duke's command, and it saved much +_after_-trouble by making every officer satisfied, however fiery his +courage or tender his sense of being suspected of the white feather, +that implicit obedience was the course he _must_ pursue. The case +was this:--the army was going into action----" "What action was it?" +inquired Father Phil, with that remarkable alacrity which men of peace +evince in hearing the fullest particulars about war, perhaps because +it is forbidden to their cloth; one of the many instances of things +acquiring a fictitious value by being interdicted--just as Father Phil +himself might have been a Protestant only for the penal laws. + +"I don't know what action it was," said the Squire, "nor the officer's +name--for I don't set up for a military chronicler; but it was, as +I have been telling you, going into action that the Duke posted an +officer, with his six guns, at a certain point, telling him to remain +there until he had orders from _him_. Away went the rest of the army, +and the officer was left doing nothing at all, which he didn't like; +for he was one of those high-blooded gentlemen who are never so happy as +when they are making other people miserable, and he was longing for the +head of a French column to be hammering away at. In half an hour or +so he heard the distant sound of action, and it approached nearer and +nearer, until he heard it close behind him; and he wondered rather that +he was not invited to take a share in it, when, pat to his thought, up +came an _aide-de-camp_ at full speed, telling him that General Somebody +ordered him to bring up his guns. The officer asked did not the order +come from Lord Wellington? The _aide-de-camp_ said no, but from the +General, whoever he was. The officer explained that he was placed there +by Lord Wellington, under command not to move, unless by _an order from +himself_. The _aide-de-camp_ stated that the General's entire brigade +was being driven in and must be annihilated without the aid of the guns, +and asked, 'would he let a whole brigade be slaughtered?' in a tone +which wounded the young soldier's pride, savouring, as he thought it +did, of an imputation on his courage. He immediately ordered his guns +to move and joined battle with the General; but while he was away, an +_aide-de-camp_ from Lord Wellington rode up to where the guns _had been +posted,_ and, of course, no gun was to be had for the service which Lord +Wellington required. Well, the French were repulsed, as it happened; but +the want of those six guns seriously marred a preconcerted movement of +the Duke's, and the officer in command of them was immediately brought +to a court-martial, and would have lost his commission but for the +universal interest made in his favour by the general officers in +consideration of his former meritorious conduct and distinguished +gallantry, and under the peculiar circumstances of the case. They did +not break him, but he was suspended, and Lord Wellington sent him home +to England. Almost every general officer in the army endeavoured to get +his sentence revoked, lamenting the fate of a gallant fellow being sent +away for a slight error in judgment while the army was in hot action but +Lord Wellington was inexorable saying he must make an example to secure +himself in the perfect obedience of officers to their orders; and it had +the effect." + +"Well, that's what I call hard!" said Dick. + +"My dear Dick," said the Squire, "war is altogether a hard thing, and a +man has no business to be a General who isn't as hard as his own round +shot." + +"And what became of the _dear_ young man?" said Father Phil, who seemed +much touched by the readiness with which the _dear_ young man set off to +mow down the French. + +"I can tell you," said Moriarty, "for I served with him afterwards +in the Peninsula. He was let back after a year or so, and became so +thorough a disciplinarian, that he swore, when once he was at his post +'They might kill _his father_ before his face and he wouldn't budge +until he had orders.'" + +"A most Christian resolution," said the doctor. + +"Well, I can tell you," said Moriarty, "of a Frenchman, who made a +greater breach of discipline, and it was treated more leniently. I heard +the story from the man's own lips, and if I could only give you his +voice and gesture and manner it would amuse you. What fellows those +Frenchmen are, to be sure, for telling a story! they make a shrug or +a wink have twenty different meanings, and their claws are most +eloquent--one might say they talk on their fingers--and their broken +English, I think, helps them." + +"Then give the story, Randal, in his manner," said Dick. "I have heard +you imitate a Frenchman capitally." + +"Well, here goes," said Moriarty "but let me wet my whistle with a +glass of claret before I begin--a French story should have French wine." +Randal tossed off one glass, and filled a second by way of reserve, and +then began the French officer's story. + +"You see, sare, it vos ven in _Espagne_ de bivouac vos vairy ard indeet +'pon us, vor we coot naut get into de town at all, nevair, becos you +dam Ingelish keep all de town to yoursefs--vor we fall back at dat time +becos we get not support--no _corps de reserve_, you perceive--so ve mek +_retrograde_ movement--not _retreat_--no, no--but _retrograde_ movement. +Vell--von night I was wit my picket guart, and it was raining like de +devil, and de vind vos vinding up de valley, so cold as noting at all, +and de dark vos vot you could not see--no--not your nose bevore your +face. Vell, I hear de tramp of horse, and I look into de dark--for ve +vere vairy moche on the _qui vive_, because ve expec de Ingelish to +attaque de next day--but I see noting; but de tramp of horse come closer +and closer, and at last I ask, 'Who is dere?' and de tramp of de horse +stop. I run forward, and den I see Ingelish offisair of cavallerie. I +address him, and tell him he is in our lines, but I do not vant to mek +him prisonair--for you must know dat he _vos_ prisonair, if I like, ven +he vos vithin our line. He is very polite--he says, '_Bien oblige--bon +enfant_;' and we tek off our hat to each ozer. 'I aff lost my roat,' he +say; and I say, 'Yais'--bote I vill put him into his roat, and so I ask +for a moment pardon, and go back to my _caporal_, and tell him to be on +de _qui vive_ till I come back. De Ingelish offisair and me talk very +plaisant vile we go togezer down de leetel roat, and ven we come to de +turn, I say, '_Bon soir_, Monsieur le Capitaine--dat is your vay.' He +den tank me, vera moche like gentilman, and vish he coot mek me some +return for my generosite, as he please to say--and I say, '_Bah!_ +Ingelish gentilman vood do de same to French offisair who lose his vay.' +'Den come here,' he say, '_bon enfant_, can you leave your post for 'aff +an hour?' 'Leave my post?' I say. 'Yais,' said he, 'I know your army has +not moche provision lately, and maybe you are ongrie?' '_Ma foi_, yais,' +said I; 'I aff naut slips to my eyes, nor meat to my stomach, for more +dan fife days.' 'Veil, _bon enfant_,' he say, 'come vis me, and I vill +gif you good supper, goot vine, and goot velcome.' 'Coot I leave my +post?' I say. He say, '_Bah! Caporal_ take care till you come back.' By +gar, I coot naut resist--_he_ vos so _vairy_ moche gentilman and _I_ +vos so ongrie--I go vis him--not fife hunder yarts--_ah! bon Dieu_--how +nice! In de corner of a leetel ruin chapel dere is nice bit of fire, and +hang on a string before it de half of a kid--_oh ciel!_ de smell of +de _ros-bif_ was so nice--I rub my hands to de fire--I sniff de +_cuisine_--I see in anozer corner a couple bottles of wine--_sacre_! it +vos all watair in my mouts! Ve sit down to suppair--I nevair did ate so +moche in my life. Ve did finish de bones, and vosh down all mid ver good +wine--_excellent!_ Ve drink de toast--_a la gloire_--and we talk of de +campaign. Ve drink _a la Patrie_, and den _I_ tink of _la belle France_ +and _ma douce amie_--and _he_ fissel, 'Got safe de king.' Ve den drink +_a l'amitie_, and shek hands over dat fire in good frainship--dem two +hands that might cross de swords in de morning. Yais, sair, dat was +fine--'t was _galliard_--'t was _la vrai chivalrie_--two sojair ennemi +to share de same kid, drink de same wine, and talk like two friends. +Vell, I got den so sleepy, dat my eyes go blink, blink, and my goot +friend says to me, 'Sleep, old fellow; I know you aff got hard fare of +late, and you are tired; sleep, all is quiet for to-night, and I will +call you before dawn.' Sair, I vos _so_ tired, I forgot my duty, and +fall down fast asleep. Veil, sair, in de night de pickets of de two +armie get so close, and mix up, dat some shot gets fired, and in one +moment all in confusion. I am shake by de shoulder--I wake like from +dream--I heard sharp _fusillade_--my friend cry, 'Fly to your post, it +is attack!' We exchange one shek of de hand, and I run off to my post. +_Oh, ciel!_--it is driven in--I see dem fly. _Oh, mon desespoir a ce +moment-la!_ I am ruin--_deshonore_--I rush to de front--I rally _mes +braves_--ve stand!--ve advance!!--ve regain de post!!!--I am safe!!!! De +_fusillade_ cease--it is only an affair of outposts. I tink I am safe--I +tink I am very fine fellow--but Monsieur _l'Aide-Major_ send for me and +speak, 'Vere vos you last night, sair?' 'I mount guard by de mill.' 'Are +you sure?' '_Oui, monsieur._' 'Vere vos you when your post vos attack?' +I saw it vos no use to deny any longair, so I confess to him everyting. +'Sair,' said he, 'you rally your men very good, _or you should be shot!_ +Young man, remember,' said he--I will never forget his vorts--'young +man, _vine is goot--slip is goot--goat is goot--but honners is +betters!'"_ + +"A capital story, Randal," cried Dick; "but how much of it did you +invent?" + +"'Pon my life, it is as near the original as possible." + +"Besides, that is not a fair way of using a story," said the doctor. +"You should take a story as you get it, and not play the dissector upon +it, mangling its poor body to discover the bit of embellishment; and as +long as a _raconteur_ maintains _vraisemblance_, I contend you are bound +to receive the whole as true." + +"A most author-like creed, doctor," said Dick; "you are a story-teller +yourself, and enter upon the defence of your craft with great spirit." + +"And justice, too," said the Squire; "the doctor is quite right." + +"Don't suppose I can't see the little touches of the artist," said the +doctor; "but so long as they are in keeping with the picture, I +enjoy them; for instance, my friend Randal's touch of the Englishman +'_fissling Got safe de King'_ is very happy--quite in character." + +"Well, good or bad, the story in substance is true," said Randal, "and +puts the Englishman in a fine point of view--a generous fellow, sharing +his supper with his enemy whose sword may be through his body in the +next morning's 'affair.'" + +"But the Frenchman was generous to him first," remarked the Squire. + +"Certainly--I admit it," said Randal. "In short, they were both fine +fellows." + +"Oh, sir," said Father Phil, "the French are not deficient in a +chivalrous spirit. I heard once a very pretty little bit of anecdote +about the way they behaved to one of our regiments on a retreat in +Spain." + +"_Your_ regiments!" said Moriarty, who was rather fond of hitting hard +at a priest when he could; "a regiment of friars is it?" + +"No, captain, but of soldiers; and it's going through a river they +were, and the French, taking advantage of their helpless condition, were +peppering away at them hard and fast." + +"Very generous indeed!" said Moriarty, laughing. + +"Let me finish my story, captain, before you quiz it. I say they were +peppering them sorely while they were crossing the river, until some +women--the followers of the camp--ran down (poor creatures) to the +shore, and the stream was so deep in the middle they could scarcely ford +it; so some dragoons who were galloping as hard as they could out of +the fire pulled up on seeing the condition of the women-kind, and each +horseman took up a woman behind him, though it diminished his own power +of speeding from the danger. The moment the French saw this act of manly +courtesy, they ceased firing, gave the dragoons a cheer, and as long as +the women were within gunshot, not a trigger was pulled in the French +line, but volleys of cheers instead of ball-cartridge was sent after the +brigade till all the women were over. Now wasn't that generous?" + +"'T was a handsome thing!" was the universal remark. + +"And 'faith I can tell you, Captain Moriarty, the army took advantage of +it; for there was a great struggle to have the pleasure of the ladies' +company over the river." + +"I dare say, Father Phil," said the Squire, laughing. + +"Throth, Squire," said the _padre_, "fond of the girls as the soldiers +have the reputation of being, they never liked them better than that +same day." + +"Yes, yes," said Moriarty, a little piqued, for he rather affected the +"dare-devil." + +"I see you mean to insinuate that we soldiers fear fire." + +"I did not say 'fear,' captain--but they'd like to get out of it, for +all that, and small blame to them--aren't they flesh and blood like +ourselves?" + +"Not a bit like you," said Moriarty. "You sleek and smooth gentlemen who +live in luxurious peace know little of a soldier's danger or feelings." + +"Captain, we all have our dangers to go through; and may be a priest has +as many as a soldier; and we only show a difference of taste, after all, +in the selection." + +"Well, Father Blake, all I know is, that a true soldier fears nothing!" +said Moriarty with energy. + +"Maybe so," answered Father Phil, quietly. "It is quite clear, however," +said Murphy, "that war, with all its horrors, can call out occasionally +the finer feelings of our natures; but it is only such redeeming traits +as those we have heard which can reconcile us to it. I remember having +heard an incident of war, myself, which affected me much," said Murphy, +who caught the infection of military anecdote which circled the table; +and indeed there is no more catching theme can be started among men, for +it may be remarked that whenever it is broached it flows on until it is +rather more than time to go to the ladies. + +"It was in the earlier portion of the memorable day of Waterloo," said +Murphy, "that a young officer of the Guards received a wound which +brought him to the ground. His companions rushed on to seize some point +which their desperate valour was called on to carry, and he was left, +utterly unable to rise, for the wound was in his foot. He lay for some +hours with the thunder of that terrible day ringing around him, and many +a rush of horse and foot had passed close beside him. Towards the close +of the day he saw one of the Black Brunswick dragoons approaching, +who drew rein as his eye caught the young Guardsman, pale and almost +fainting, on the ground. He alighted, and finding he was not mortally +wounded, assisted him to rise, lifted him into his saddle, and helped +to support him there while he walked beside him to the English rear. The +Brunswicker was an old man; his brow and moustache were grey; despair +was in his sunken eye, and from time to time he looked up with an +expression of the deepest yearning into the face of the young soldier, +who saw big tears rolling down the veteran's cheek while he gazed upon +him. 'You seem in bitter sorrow, my kind friend,' said the stripling. +'No wonder,' answered the old man, with a hollow groan. 'I and my three +boys were in the same regiment--they were alive the morning of Ligny--I +am childless to-day. But I have revenged them!' he said fiercely, and +as he spoke he held out his sword, which was literally red with blood. +'But, oh! that will not bring me back my boys!' he exclaimed, relapsing +into his sorrow. 'My three gallant boys!'--and again he wept bitterly, +till clearing his eyes from the tears, and looking up in the young +soldier's handsome face, he said tenderly, 'You are like my youngest +one, and I could not let you lie on the field.'" + +Even the rollicking Murphy's eyes were moist as he recited this +anecdote; and as for Father Phil, he was quite melted, ejaculating in an +under tone, "Oh, my poor fellow! my poor fellow!" + +"So there," said Murphy, "is an example of a man, with revenge in his +heart, and his right arm tired with slaughter, suddenly melted into +gentleness by a resemblance to his child." + +"'T is very touching, but very sad," said the Squire. + +"My dear sir," said the doctor, with his peculiar dryness, "sadness is +the principal fruit which warfare must ever produce. You may talk of +glory as long as you like, but you cannot have your laurel without your +cypress, and though you may select certain bits of sentiment out of a +mass of horrors, if you allow me, I will give you one little story which +shan't keep you long, and will serve as a commentary upon war and glory +in general. + +"At the peace of 1803, I happened to be travelling through a town in +France where a certain count I knew resided. I waited upon him, and he +received me most cordially, and invited me to dinner. I made the excuse +that I was only _en route_, and supplied with but traveling costume, and +therefore not fit to present myself amongst the guests of such a house +as his. He assured me I should only meet his own family, and pledged +himself for Madame la Comtesse being willing to waive the ceremony of a +_grande toilette_. I went to the house at the appointed hour, and as +I passed through the hall I cast a glance at the dining-room and saw +a very long table laid. On arriving at the reception-room, I taxed the +count with having broken faith with me, and was about making my excuses +to the countess when she assured me the count had dealt honestly by me, +for that I was the only guest to join the family party. Well, we +sat down to dinner, three-and-twenty persons; myself, the count and +countess, and their _twenty children!_ and a more lovely family I never +saw; he a man in the vigour of life, she a still attractive woman, and +these their offspring lining the table, where the happy eyes of father +and mother glanced with pride and affection from one side to the other +on these future staffs of their old age. Well, the peace of Amiens +was of short duration, and I saw no more of the count till Napoleon's +abdication. Then I visited France again, and saw my old friend. But it +was a sad sight, sir, in that same house, where, little more than ten +years before, I had seen the bloom and beauty of twenty children, to +sit down with _three_--all he had left him. His sons had fallen in +battle--his daughters had died widowed, leaving but orphans. And thus it +was all over France. While the public voice shouted 'Glory!' wailing was +in her homes. Her temple of victory was filled with trophies, but her +hearths were made desolate." + +"Still, sir, a true soldier fears nothing," repeated Moriarty. + +"_Baithershin,_" said Father Phil. "'Faith I have been in places of +danger you'd be glad to get out of, I can tell you, as bould as you are, +captain." + +"You'll pardon me for doubting you, Father Blake," said Moriarty, rather +huffed. + +"'Faith then you wouldn't like to be where I was before I came here; +that is, in a mud cabin, where I was giving the last rites to six people +dying in the typhus fever." + +"Typhus!" exclaimed Moriarty, growing pale, and instinctively +withdrawing his chair as far as he could from the _padre_ beside whom he +sat. + +"Ay, typhus, sir; most inveterate typhus." + +"Gracious Heaven!" said Moriarty, rising, "how can you do such a +dreadful thing as run the risk of bearing infection into society?" + +"I thought soldiers were not afraid of anything," said Father Phil, +laughing at him; and the rest of the party joined in the merriment. + +"Fairly hit, Moriarty," said Dick. + +"Nonsense," said Moriarty; "when I spoke of danger, I meant such +open danger as--in short, not such insidious lurking abomination as +infection; for I contend that--" + +"Say no more, Randal," said Growling, "you're done!--Father Phil has +floored you." + +"I deny it," said Moriarty, warmly; but the more he denied it, the more +every one laughed at him. + +"You're more frightened than hurt, Moriarty," said the Squire; "for the +best of the joke is, Father Phil wasn't in contact with typhus at all, +but was riding with me--and 'tis but a joke." + +Here they all roared at Moriarty, who was excessively angry, but felt +himself in such a ridiculous position that he could not quarrel with +anybody. + +"Pardon me, my dear captain," said the Father; "I only wanted to show +you that a poor priest has to run the risk of his life just as much as +the boldest soldier of them all. But don't you think, Squire, 't is time +to join the ladies? I'm sure the tay will be tired waiting for us." + + + + +CHAPTER XXXIII + + +Mrs. Egan was engaged in some needlework, and Fanny turning over the +leaves of a music-book, and occasionally humming some bars of her +favourite songs, as the gentlemen came into the drawing-room. Fanny rose +from the pianoforte as they entered. + +"Oh, Miss Dawson," exclaimed Moriarty, "why tantalise us so much as +to let us see you seated in that place where you can render so much +delight, only to leave it as we enter?" + +Fanny turned off the captain's flourishing speech with a few lively +words and a smile, and took her seat at the tea-table to do the honours. +"The captain," said Father Phil to the doctor, "is equally great in love +or war." + +"And knows about as little of one as the other," said the doctor. "His +attacks are too open." + +"And therefore easily foiled," said Father Phil; "How that pretty +creature, with the turn of a word and a curl of her lip, upset him that +time! Oh! what a powerful thing a woman's smile is, doctor? I often +congratulate myself that my calling puts all such mundane follies and +attractions out of my way, when I see and know what fools wise men are +sometimes made by silly girls. Oh, it is fearful, doctor; though, of +course, part of the mysterious dispensation of an all-wise Providence." + +"That fools should have the mastery, is it?" inquired the doctor, drily, +with a mischievous query in his eye as well. "Tut, tut, tut, doctor," +replied Father Phil, impatiently; "you know well enough what I mean, +and I won't allow you to engage me in one of your ingenious battles of +words. I speak of that wonderful influence of the weaker sex over +the stronger, and how the word of a rosy lip outweighs sometimes the +resolves of a furrowed brow; and how the--pooh! pooh! I'm making a fool +of myself talking to you--but to make a long story short, I would rather +_wrastle_ out a logical dispute any day, or a tough argument of one of +the fathers, than refute some absurdity which fell from a pretty mouth +with a smile on it." + +"Oh, I quite agree with you," said the doctor, grinning, "that the +fathers are not half such dangerous customers as the daughters." + +"Ah, go along with you, doctor!" said Father Phil, with a good-humoured +laugh. "I see you are in one of your mischievous moods, and so I'll have +nothing more to say to you." + +The Father turned away to join the Squire, while the doctor took a seat +near Fanny Dawson and enjoyed a quiet little bit of conversation with +her, while Moriarty was turning over the leaves of her album; but the +brow of the captain, who affected a taste in poetry, became knit, and +his lip assumed a contemptuous curl, as he perused some lines, and asked +Fanny whose was the composition. + +"I forget," was Fanny's answer. + +"I don't wonder," said Moriarty; "the author is not worth remembering, +for they are very rough." + +Fanny did not seem pleased with the criticism, and said that, when sung +to the measure of the air written down on the opposite page, they were +very flowing. + +"But the principal phrase, the _'refrain'_ I may say, is so vulgar," +added Moriarty, returning to the charge. "The gentleman says, 'What +would you do?' and the lady answers, 'That's what I'd do.' Do you call +that poetry?" + +"I don't call _that_ poetry," said Fanny, with some emphasis on the +word; "but if you connect those two phrases with what is intermediately +written, and read all in the spirit of the entire of the verses, I think +there is poetry in them--but if not poetry, certainly feeling." + +"Can you tolerate '_That's what I'd do'?_--the pert answer of a +housemaid." + +"A phrase in itself homely," answered Fanny, "may become elevated by the +use to which it is applied." + +"Quite true, Miss Dawson," said the doctor, joining in the discussion. +"But what are these lines which excite Randal's ire?" + +"Here they are," said Moriarty. "I will read them, if you allow me, and +then judge between Miss Dawson and me. + + 'What will you do, love, when I am going, + With white sail flowing, + The seas beyond? + What will you do, love, when--'" + +"Stop thief!--stop thief!" cried the doctor. "Why, you are robbing +the poet of his reputation as fast as you can. You don't attend to the +rhythm of those lines--you don't give the ringing of the verse." + +"That's just what I have said in other words," said Fanny. "When sung to +the melody, they are smooth." + +"But a good reader, Miss Dawson," said the doctor, "will read verse with +the proper accent, just as a musician would divide it into bars; but my +friend Randal there, although he can tell a good story and hit off prose +very well, has no more notion of rhythm or poetry than new beer has of a +holiday." + +"And why, pray, has not new beer a notion of a holiday?" + +"Because, sir, it works of a Sunday." + +"Your _beer_ may be new, doctor, but your _joke_ is not--I have seen it +before in some old form." + +"Well, sir, if I found it in its old form, like a hare, and started it +fresh, it may do for folks to run after as well as anything else. But +you shan't escape your misdemeanour in mauling those verses as you have +done, by finding fault with my joke _redevivus._ You read those lines, +sir, like a bellman, without any attention to metre." + +"To be sure," said Father Phil, who had been listening for some time; +"they have a ring in them--" + +"Like a pig's nose," said the doctor. + +"Ah, be aisy," said Father Phil. "I say they have a ring in them like an +owld Latin canticle-- + + 'What _will_ you _do,_ love, when I am _go_-ing, + With white sail _flow_-ing, + The says be_yond?_' + +That's it!" + +"To be sure," said the doctor. "I vote for the Father's reading them out +on the spot." + +"Pray, do, Mister Blake," said Fanny. + +"Ah, Miss Dawson, what have I to do with reading love verses?" + +"Take the book, sir," said Growling, "and show me you have some faith in +your own sayings, by obeying a lady directly." + +"Pooh! pooh!" said the priest. + +"You _won't_ refuse me?" said Fanny, in a coaxing tone. + +"My dear Miss Dawson," said the _padre._ + +"_Father Phil!_" said Fanny, with one of her rosy smiles. + +"Oh, wow! wow! wow!" ejaculated the priest, in an amusing embarrassment, +"I see you will make me do whatever you like." So Father Phil gave the +rare example of a man acting up to his own theory, and could not resist +the demand that came from a pretty mouth. He took the book and read the +lines with much feeling, but, with an observance of rhythm so grotesque, +that it must be given in his own manner. + +WHAT WILL YOU DO, LOVE? + +I + + "What _will_ you _do_, love, when I am _go_-ing, + With white sail _flow_-ing, + The seas be-_yond?_ + What _will_ you _do_, love, when waves di-_vide_ us, + And friends may chide us, + For being _fond_?" + + "Though waves di-_vide_ us, and friends be _chi_-ding, + In faith a-_bi_-ding, + I'll still be true; + And I'll pray for _thee_ on the stormy _o_-cean, + In deep de-_vo_-tion,-- + That's _what_ I'll do!" + +II + + "What _would_ you _do_, love, if distant _ti_-dings + Thy fond con-_fi_-dings + Should under-_mine_ + And I a-_bi_-ding 'neath sultry _skies_, + Should think other _eyes_ + Were as bright as _thine_?" + + "Oh, name it _not_; though guilt and _shame_ + Were on thy _name_, + I'd still be _true_; + But that heart of _thine_, should another _share_ it, + I could not _bear it_;-- + What _would_ I do?" + +III + + "What _would_ you do, when, home re-_turn_-ing, + With hopes high _burn_-ing, + With wealth for _you_,-- + If my _bark_, that _bound_-ed o'er foreign _foam_, + Should be lost near _home_,-- + Ah, what _would_ you do?" + + "So them wert _spar_-d, I'd bless the _mor_-row, + In want and _sor_-row, + That left me _you_; + And I'd welcome _thee_ from the wasting _bil_-low, + My heart thy _pil_-low!-- + THAT'S _what_ I'd do!" + +[Footnote: NOTE TO THE THIRD EDITION.--The foregoing dialogue and +Moriarty's captious remarks were meant, when, they appeared in the first +edition, as a hit at a certain small critic--a would-be song-writer--who +does ill-natured articles for the Reviews, and expressed himself very +contemptuously of my songs because of their simplicity; or, as he was +pleased to phrase it, "I had a knack of putting common things together." +The song was written to illustrate my belief that the most common-place +expression, _appropriately applied_, may successfully serve the purposes +of the lyric; and here experience has proved me right, for this +very song of "What will you do?" (containing within it the other +common-place, "That's what I'd do") has been received with special +favour by the public, whose long-continued goodwill towards my +compositions generally I gratefully acknowledge.] + +"Well done, _padre!_" said the doctor; "with good emphasis and +discretion." + +"And now, my dear Miss Dawson," said Father Phil, "since I've read +the lines at your high bidding, will you sing them for me at my humble +asking?" + +"Very antithetically put, indeed," said Fanny; "but you must excuse me." + +"You said there was a tune to it?" + +"Yes; but I promised Captain Moriarty to sing him _this_," said Fanny, +going over to the pianoforte, and laying her hand on an open music-book. + +"Thanks, Miss Dawson," said Moriarty, following fast. + +Now, it was not that Fanny Dawson liked the captain that she was going +to sing the song; but she thought he had been rather "_mobbed_" by the +doctor and the _padre_ about the reading of the verses, and it was her +good breeding which made her pay this little attention to the worsted +party. She poured forth her sweet voice in a simple melody to the +following words:-- + +SAY NOT MY HEART IS COLD + +I + + "Say not my heart is cold, + Because of a silent tongue! + The lute of faultless mould + In silence oft hath hung. + The fountain soonest spent + Doth babble down the steep; + But the stream that _ever_ went + Is silent, strong, and deep. + +II + + "The charm of a secret life + Is given to choicest things:-- + Of flowers, the fragrance rife + Is wafted on viewless wings; + We see not the charmed air + Bearing some witching sound; + And ocean deep is where + The pearl of price is found. + +III + + "Where are the stars by day? + They burn, though all unseen! + And love of purest ray + Is like the stars, I ween: + Unmark'd is the gentle light + When the sunshine of joy appears, + But ever, in sorrow's night, + 'T will glitter upon thy tears!" + +"Well, Randal, does that poem satisfy your critical taste?--of the +singing there can be but one opinion." + +"Yes, I think it pretty," said Moriarty; "but there is one word in the +last verse I object to." + +"Which is that?" inquired Growling. + +"_Ween_" said the other, "'the stars, I ween,' I object to." + +"Don't you see the meaning of that?" inquired the doctor. "I think it is +a very happy allusion." + +"I don't see any allusion whatever," said the critic. + +"Don't you see the poet alluded to the stars in the _milky_ way, and +says, therefore, 'The stars I _wean_'?" + +"Bah! bah! doctor," exclaimed the critical captain; "you are in one +of your quizzing moods to-night, and it is in vain to expect a serious +answer from you." He turned on his heel as he spoke, and went away. + +"Moriarty, you know, Miss Dawson, is a man who affects a horror of +puns, and therefore I always punish him with as many as I can," said the +doctor, who was left by Moriarty's sudden pique to the enjoyment of a +pleasant chat with Fanny, and he was sorry when the hour arrived which +disturbed it by the breaking up of the party and the departure of the +guests. + + + + +CHAPTER XXXIV + + +When the Widow Rooney was forcibly ejected from the house of Mrs. James +Casey, and found that Andy was not the possessor of that lady's charms, +she posted off to Neck-or-Nothing Hall, to hear the full and true +account of the transaction from Andy himself. On arriving at the old +iron gate, and pulling the loud bell, she was spoken to through the +bars by the savage old janitor and told to "go out o' that." Mrs. Rooney +thought fate was using her hard in decreeing she was to receive denial +at every door, and endeavoured to obtain a parley with the gate-keeper, +to which he seemed no way inclined. + +"My name's Rooney, sir?" + +"There's plenty bad o' the name," was the civil rejoinder. + +"And my son's in Squire O'Grady's sarvice, sir." + +"Oh--you're the mother of the beauty we call Handy, eh?" + +"Yis, sir." + +"Well, he left the sarvice yistherday." + +"Is it lost the place?" + +"Yis." + +"Oh dear! Ah, sir, let me up to the house and spake to his honour, and +maybe he'll take back the boy." + +"He doesn't want any more servants at all--for he's dead." + +"Is it Squire O'Grady dead?" + +"Aye--did you never hear of a dead squire before?" + +"What did he die of, sir?" + +"Find out," said the sulky brute, walking back into his den. + +It was true--the renowned O'Grady was no more. The fever which had set +in from his "broiled bones," which he _would_ have in spite of anybody, +was found difficult of abatement; and the impossibility of keeping +him quiet, and his fits of passion, and consequent fresh supplies of +"broiled bones," rendered the malady unmanageable; and the very +day after Andy had left the house the fever took a bad turn, and in +four-and-twenty hours the stormy O'Grady was at peace. + +What a sudden change fell upon the house! All the wedding paraphernalia +which had been brought down lay neglected in the rooms where it had +been the object of the preceding day's admiration. The deep, absorbing, +silent grief of the wife,--the more audible sorrow of the girls,--the +subdued wildness of the reckless boys, as they trod silently past the +chamber where they no longer might dread reproof for their noise,--all +this was less touching than the effect the event had upon the old +dowager mother. While the senses of others were stunned by the blow, +hers became awakened by the shock; all her absurd aberration passed +away, and she sat in intellectual self-possession by the side of her +son's death-bed, which she never left until he was laid in his +coffin. He was the first and last of her sons. She had now none but +grandchildren to look upon--the intermediate generation had passed away, +and the gap yawned fearfully before her. It restored her, for the time, +perfectly to her senses; and she gave the necessary directions on the +melancholy occasion, and superintended all the sad ceremonials befitting +the time, with a calm and dignified resignation which impressed all +around her with wonder and respect. + +Superadded to the dismay which the death of the head of a family +produces was the terrible fear which existed that O'Grady's body would +be seized for debt--a barbarous practice, which, shame to say, is still +permitted. This fear made great precaution necessary to prevent persons +approaching the house, and accounts for the extra gruffness of the gate +porter. The wild body-guard of the wild chief was on doubly active duty; +and after four-and-twenty hours had passed over the reckless boys, the +interest they took in sharing and directing this watch and ward seemed +to outweigh all sorrowful consideration for the death of their +father. As for Gustavus, the consciousness of being now the master of +Neck-or-Nothing Hall was apparent in a boy not yet fifteen; and not only +in himself, but in the grey-headed retainers about him, this might be +seen: there was a shade more of deference--the boy was merged in "_the +young master_." But we must leave the house of mourning for the present, +and follow the Widow Rooney, who, as she tramped her way homeward, was +increasing in hideousness of visage every hour. Her nose was twice its +usual dimensions, and one eye was perfectly useless in showing her the +road. At last, however, as evening was closing, she reached her cabin, +and there was Andy, arrived before her, and telling Oonah, his cousin, +all his misadventures of the preceding day. + +The history was stopped for a while by their mutual explanations and +condolences with Mrs. Rooney, on the "cruel way her poor face was used." + +"And who done it all?" said Oonah. + +"Who but that born divil, Matty Dwyer--and sure they towld me _you_ were +married to her," said she to Andy. + +"So I was," said Andy, beginning the account of his misfortunes afresh +to his mother, who from time to time would break in with indiscriminate +maledictions on Andy, as well as his forsworn damsel; and when +the account was ended, she poured out a torrent of abuse upon her +unfortunate forsaken son, which riveted him to the floor in utter +amazement. + +"I thought I'd get pity here, at all events," said poor Andy; "but +instead o' that it's the worst word and the hardest name in your jaw you +have for me." + +"And sarve you right, you dirty cur," said his mother. "I ran off like +a fool when I heerd of your good fortune, and see the condition that +baggage left me in--my teeth knocked in and my eye knocked out, and all +for your foolery, because you couldn't keep what you got." + +"Sure, mother, I tell you--" + +"Howld your tongue, you _omadhaun!_ And then I go to Squire O'Grady's to +look for you, and there I hear you lost _that_ place, too." + +"Faix, it's little loss," said Andy. + +"That's all you know about it, you goose; you lose the place just when +the man's dead and you'd have had a shuit o' mournin'. Oh, you are the +most misfortunate divil, Andy Rooney, this day in Ireland--why did I +rear you at all?" + +"Squire O'Grady dead!" said Andy, in surprise and also with regret for +his late master. + +"Yis--and you've lost the mournin'--augh!" + +"Oh, the poor Squire!" said Andy. + +"The iligant new clothes!" grumbled Mrs. Rooney. "And then luck tumbles +into your way such as man never had; without a place, or a rap to bless +yourself with, you get a rich man's daughter for your wife, and you let +her slip through your fingers." + +"How could I help it?" said Andy. + +"Augh!--you bothered the job just the way you do everything," said his +mother. + +"Sure I was civil-spoken to her." + +"Augh!" said his mother. + +"And took no liberty." + +"You goose!" + +"And called her Miss." + +"Oh, indeed you missed it altogether." + +"And said I wasn't desarvin' of her." + +"That was thrue--_but you should not have towld her so_. Make a woman +think you're betther than her, and she'll like you." + +"And sure, when I endayvoured to make myself agreeable to her----" + +"_Endayvoured_!" repeated the old woman contemptuously. "_Endayvoured_, +indeed! Why didn't you _make_ yourself agreeable at once, you poor dirty +goose?--no, but you went sneaking about it--I know as well as if I was +looking at you--you went sneakin' and snivelin' until the girl took +a disgust to you; for there's nothing a woman despises so much as +shilly-shallying." + +"Sure, you won't hear my defince," said Andy. + +"Oh, indeed you're betther at defince than attack," said his mother. + +"Sure, the first little civil'ty I wanted to pay to her, she took up the +three-legged stool to me." + +"The divil mend you! And what civil'ty did you offer her?" + +"I made a grab at her cap, and I thought she'd have brained me." + +Oonah set up such a shout of laughter at Andy's notion of civility to +a girl, that the conversation was stopped for some time, and her aunt +remonstrated with her at her want of common sense; or, as she said, +hadn't she "more decency than to laugh at the poor fool's nonsense?" + +"What could I do agen the three-legged stool?" said Andy. + +"Where was your _own_ legs, and your own arms, and your own eyes, and +your own tongue?--eh?" + +"And sure I tell you it was all ready conthrived, and James Casey was +sent for, and came." + +"Yis," said the mother, "but not for a long time, you towld me yourself; +and what were you doing all that time? Sure, supposing you _wor_ only a +new acquaintance, any man worth a day's mate would have discoorsed her +over in the time and made her sinsible he was the best of husbands." + +"I tell you she wouldn't let me have her ear at all," said Andy. "Nor +her cap either," said Oonah, laughing. + +"And then Jim Casey kem." + +"And why did you let him in?" + +"It was _she_ let him in, I tell you." + +"And why did you let her? He was on the wrong side of the door--that's +the _outside_; and you on the right--that's the _inside_; and it was +_your_ house, and she was _your_ wife, and you were her masther, and +you had the rights of the church, and the rights of the law, and all the +rights on your side; barrin' right rayson--that you never had; and sure +without _that_, what's the use of all the other rights in the world?" + +"Sure, hadn't he his friends, _sthrong_, outside?" + +"No matther, if the door wasn't opened to them, for _then_ YOU would +have had a stronger friend than any o' them present among them." + +"Who?" inquired Andy. + +"The _hangman_" answered his mother; "for breaking doors is hanging +matther; and I say the presence of the hangman's always before people +when they have such a job to do, and makes them think twice sometimes +before they smash once; and so you had only to keep one woman's hands +quiet." + +"Faix, some of them would smash a door as soon as not," said Andy. + +"Well, then, you'd have the satisfaction of hanging them," said the +mother, "and that would be some consolation. But even as it is, I'll +have law for it--I will--for the property is yours, any how, though the +girl is gone--and indeed a brazen baggage she is, and is mighty heavy +in the hand. Oh, my poor eye!--it's like a coal of fire--but sure it was +worth the risk living with her for the sake of the purty property. And +sure I was thinkin' what a pleasure it would be living with you, and +tachin' your wife housekeepin', and bringing up the young turkeys and +the childhre--but, och hone, you'll never do a bit o' good, you that got +sitch careful bringin' up, Andy Rooney! Didn't I tache you manners, +you dirty hanginbone blackguard? Didn't I tache you your blessed +religion?--may the divil sweep you! Did I ever prevent you from sharing +the lavings of the pratees with the pig?--and didn't you often clane out +the pot with him? and you're no good afther all. I've turned my honest +penny by the pig, but I'll never make my money of _you_, Andy Rooney!" + +There was some minutes' silence after this eloquent outbreak of Andy's +mother, which was broken at last by Andy uttering a long sigh and an +ejaculation. + +"Och? it's a fine thing to be a gintleman," said Andy. + +"Cock you up!" said his mother. "Maybe it's a gintleman you want to be; +what puts that in your head, you _omadhaun_?" + +"Why, because a gintleman has no hardships, compared with one of uz. +Sure, if a gintleman was married, his wife wouldn't be tuk off from him +the way mine was." + +"Not so soon, maybe," said the mother, drily. + +"And if a gintleman brakes a horse's heart, he's only a '_bowld rider_,' +while a poor sarvant is a 'careless blackguard' for only taking a +sweat out of him. If a gintleman dhrinks till he can't see a hole in a +laddher, he's only '_feesh_--but '_dhrunk_' is the word for a poor man. +And if a gintleman kicks up a row, he's a 'fine sperited fellow,' while +a poor man is a 'disordherly vagabone' for the same; and the Justice +axes the one to dinner and sends th' other to jail. Oh, faix, the law +is a dainty lady; she takes people by the hand who can afford to wear +gloves, but people with brown fists must keep their distance." + +"I often remark," said his mother, "that fools spake mighty sinsible +betimes; but their wisdom all goes with their gab. Why didn't you take +a betther grip of your luck when you had it? You're wishing you wor +a gintleman, and yet when you had the best part of a gintleman (the +property, I mane) put into your way, you let it slip through your +fingers; and afther lettin' a fellow take a rich wife from you and turn +you out of your own house, you sit down on a stool there, and begin to +_wish_ indeed!--you sneakin' fool--wish, indeed! Och! if you wish with +one hand, and wash with th' other, which will be clane first--eh?" + +"What could I do agen eight?" asked Andy. + +"Why did you let them in, I say again?" said the mother, quickly. + +"Sure the blame wasn't with me," said Andy, "but with--" + +"Whisht, whisht, you goose!" said his mother. "Av course you'll blame +every one and everything but yourself--'_The losing horse blames the +saddle_.'" + +"Well, maybe it's all for the best," said Andy, "afther all." + +"Augh, howld your tongue!" + +"And if it _wasn't_ to be, how could it be?" + +"Listen to him!" + +"And Providence is over us all." + +"Oh! yis!" said the mother. "When fools make mistakes they lay the blame +on Providence. How have you the impidence to talk o' Providence in that +manner? _I'll_ tell you where the Providence was. Providence sent you to +Jack Dwyer's, and kep Jim Casey away, and put the anger into owld Jack's +heart--that's what the Providence did!--and made the opening for you to +spake up, and gave you a wife--a wife with _property!_ Ah, there's where +the Providence was!--and you were the masther of a snug house--that was +Providence! And wouldn't myself have been the one to be helping you +in the farm--rearing the powlts, milkin' the cow, makin' the iligant +butther, with lavings of butthermilk for the pigs--the sow thriving, and +the cocks and hens cheering your heart with their cacklin'--the hank +o' yarn on the wheel, and a hank of ingins up the chimbley--oh! there's +where the Providence would have been--that _would have been Providence +indeed!_--but never tell me that Providence turned you out of the house; +_that_ was your own _goostherumfoodle._" + +"Can't he take the law o' them, aunt?" inquired Oonah. + +"To be sure he can--and shall, too," said the mother. "I'll be off to +'torney Murphy to-morrow; I'll pursue her for my eye, and Andy for the +property, and I'll put them all in Chancery, the villains!" + +"It's Newgate they ought to be put in," said Andy. + +"Tut, you fool, Chancery is worse than Newgate: for people sometimes get +out of Newgate, but they never get out of Chancery, I hear." + +As Mrs. Rooney spoke, the latch of the door was raised, and a miserably +clad woman entered, closed the door immediately after her, and placed +the bar against it. The action attracted the attention of all the +inmates of the house, for the doors of the peasantry are universally +"left on the latch," and never secured against intrusion until the +family go to bed. + +"God save all here!" said the woman, as she approached the fire. + +"Oh, is that you, ragged Nance?" said Mrs. Rooney; for that was the +unenviable but descriptive title the new-comer was known by: and though +she knew it for her _soubriquet_, yet she also knew Mrs. Rooney would +not call her by it if she were not in an ill temper, so she began humbly +to explain the cause of her visit, when Mrs. Rooney broke in gruffly-- + +"Oh, you always make out a good rayson for coming; but we have nothing +for you to-night." + +"Throth, you do me wrong," said the beggar, "if you think I came +_shooling._ [Footnote: Going on chance here and there, to pick up what +one can.] It's only to keep harm from the innocent girl here." + +"Arrah, what harm would happen her, woman?" returned the widow, +savagely, rendered more morose by the humble bearing of her against whom +she directed her severity; as if she got more angry the less the poor +creature would give her cause to justify her harshness. "Isn't she +undher my roof here?" + +"But how long may she be left there?" asked the woman, significantly. + +"What do you mane, woman?" + +"I mane there's a plan to carry her off from you to-night." + +Oonah grew pale with true terror, and the widow screeched, after the +more approved manner of elderly ladies making believe they are very much +shocked, till Nance reminded her that crying would do no good, and +that it was requisite to make some preparation against the approaching +danger. Various plans were hastily suggested, and as hastily +relinquished, till Nance advised a measure which was deemed the best. It +was to dress Andy in female attire and let him be carried off in place +of the girl. Andy roared with laughter at the notion of being made a +girl of, and said the trick would instantly be seen through. + +"Not if you act your part well; just keep down the giggle, jewel, and +put on a moderate _phillelew,_ and do the thing nice and steady, and +you'll be the saving of your cousin here." + +"_You_ may deceive them with the dhress; and _I_ may do a bit of a small +_shilloo,_ like a _colleen_ in disthress, and that's all very well," +said Andy, "as far as seeing and hearing goes; but when they come to +grip me, sure they'll find out in a minute." + +"We'll stuff you out well with rags and sthraw, and they'll never know +the differ--besides, remember, the fellow that wants a girl never comes +for her himself, [Footnote: This is mostly the case.] but sends his +friends for her, and they won't know the differ--besides, they're all +dhrunk." + +"How do you know?" + +"Because they're always dhrunk--that same crew; and if they're not +dhrunk to-night, it's the first time in their lives they ever were +sober. So make haste, now, and put off your coat, till we make a purty +young colleen out o' you." + +It occurred now to the widow that it was a service of great danger Andy +was called on to perform; and with all her abuse of "_omadhaun_" she +did not like the notion of putting him in the way of losing his life, +perhaps. + +"They'll murdher the boy, maybe, when they find out the chate," said the +widow. + +"Not a bit," said Nance. + +"And suppose they did," said Andy, "I'd rather die, sure, than the +disgrace should fall upon Oonah, there." + +"God bless you, Andy dear!" said Oonah. "Sure, you have the kind heart, +anyhow; but I wouldn't for the world hurt or harm should come to you on +my account." + +"Oh, don't be afeard!" said Andy, cheerily; "divil a hair I value all +they can do; so dhress me up at once." + +After some more objections on the part of his mother, which Andy +overruled, the women all joined in making up Andy into as tempting +an imitation of feminality as they could contrive; but to bestow the +roundness of outline on the angular form of Andy was no easy matter, +and required more rags than the house afforded, so some straw was +indispensable, which the pig's bed only could supply. In the midst of +their fears, the women could not help laughing as they effected some +likeness to their own forms, with their stuffing and padding; but +to carry off the width of Andy's shoulders required a very ample and +voluptuous outline indeed, and Andy could not help wishing the straw +was a little sweeter which they were packing under his nose. At last, +however, after soaping down his straggling hair on his forehead, and +tying a bonnet upon his head to shade his face as much as possible, the +disguise was completed, and the next move was to put Oonah in a place of +safety. + +"Get upon the hurdle in the corner, under the thatch," said Nance. + +"Oh, I'd be afeard o' my life to stay in the house at all." + +"You'd be safe enough, I tell you," said Nance; "for once they see that +fine young woman there," pointing to Andy, and laughing, "they'll be +satisfied with the lob we've made for them." + +Oonah still expressed her fear of remaining in the cabin. + +"Then hide in the pratee-trench, behind the house." + +"That's better," said Oonah. + +"And now I must be going," said Nance; "for they must not see me when +they come." + +"Oh, don't leave me, Nance dear," cried Oonah, "for I'm sure I'll faint +with the fright when I hear them coming, if some one is not with me." + +Nance yielded to Oonah's fears and entreaties, and with many a blessing +and boundless thanks for the beggar-woman's kindness, Oonah led the +way to the little potato garden at the back of the house, and there +the women squatted themselves in one of the trenches and awaited the +impending event. + +[Illustration: The Abduction] + +It was not long in arriving. The tramp of approaching horses at a sharp +pace rang through the stillness of the night, and the women, crouching +flat beneath the overspreading branches of the potato tops, lay +breathless in the bottom of the trench, as the riders came up to the +widow's cottage and entered. There they found the widow and her pseudo +niece sitting at the fire; and three drunken vagabonds, for the fourth +was holding the horses outside, cut some fantastic capers round the +cabin, and making a mock obeisance to the widow, the spokesman addressed +her with-- + +"Your sarvant, ma'am!" + +"Who are yiz at all, gintleman, that comes to my place at this time o' +night, and what's your business?" + +"We want the loan o' that young woman there, ma'am," said the ruffian. + +Andy and his mother both uttered small squalls. + +"And as for who we are, ma'am, we're the blessed society of Saint +Joseph, ma'am--our coat of arms is two heads upon one pillow, and our +motty, 'Who's afraid?--Hurroo!'" shouted the savage, and he twirled his +stick and cut another caper. Then coming up to Andy, he addressed him +as "young woman," and said there was a fine strapping fellow whose heart +was breaking till he "rowled her in his arms." + +Andy and the mother both acted their parts very well. He rushed to the +arms of the old woman for protection, and screeched small, while the +widow shouted "_millia murther!_" at the top of her voice, and did not +give up her hold of the make-believe young woman until her cap was torn +half off, and her hair streamed about her face. She called on all the +saints in the calendar, as she knelt in the middle of the floor and +rocked to and fro, with her clasped hands raised to heaven, calling down +curses on the "villains and robbers" that were tearing her child from +her, while they threatened to stop her breath altogether if she did not +make less noise, and in the midst of the uproar dragged off Andy, whose +struggles and despair might have excited the suspicion of soberer men. +They lifted him up on a stout horse, in front of the most powerful man +of the party, who gripped Andy hard round the middle and pushed his +horse to a hand gallop, followed by the rest of the party. The proximity +of Andy to his _cavaliero_ made the latter sensible to the bad odour +of the pig's bed, which formed Andy's luxurious bust and bustle; but he +attributed the unsavoury scent to a bad breath on the lady's part, and +would sometimes address his charge thus:-- + +"Young woman, if you plaze, would you turn your face th' other way;" +then in a side soliloquy, "By Jaker, I wondher at Jack's taste--she's +a fine lump of a girl, but her breath is murther intirely--phew--young +woman, turn away your face, or by this and that I'll fall off the horse. +I've heerd of a bad breath that might knock a man down, but I never met +it till now. Oh, murther! it's worse it's growin'--I suppose 't is the +bumpin' she's gettin' that shakes the breath out of her sthrong--oh, +there it is again--phew!" + +It was as well, perhaps, for the prosecution of the deceit, that the +distaste the fellow conceived for his charge prevented any closer +approaches to Andy's visage, which might have dispelled the illusion +under which he still pushed forward to the hills and bumped poor Andy +towards the termination of his ride. Keeping a sharp look-out as he went +along, Andy soon was able to perceive they were making for that wild +part of the hills where he had discovered the private still on the night +of his temporary fright and imaginary rencontre with the giants, and the +conversation he partly overheard all recurred to him, and he saw at once +that Oonah was the person alluded to, whose name he could not catch, a +circumstance that cost him many a conjecture in the interim. This gave +him a clue to the persons into whose power he was about to fall, after +having so far defeated their scheme, and he saw he should have to deal +with very desperate and lawless parties. Remembering, moreover, the +herculean frame of the inamorato, he calculated on an awful thrashing as +the smallest penalty he should have to pay for deceiving him, but was, +nevertheless, determined to go through the adventure with a good heart, +to make deceit serve his turn as long as he might, and at the last, if +necessary, to make the best fight he could. + +As it happened, luck favoured Andy in his adventure, for the hero of the +blunderbuss (and he, it will be remembered, was the love-sick gentleman) +drank profusely on the night in question, quaffing deep potations to +the health of his Oonah, wishing luck to his friends and speed to their +horses, and every now and then ascending the ladder from the cave, and +looking out for the approach of the party. On one of these occasions, +from the unsteadiness of the ladder, or himself, or perhaps both, his +foot slipped, and he came to the ground with a heavy fall, in which his +head received so severe a blow that he became insensible, and it was +some time before his sister, who was an inhabitant of this den, could +restore him to consciousness. This she did, however, and the savage +recovered all the senses the whisky had left him; but still the stunning +effect of the fall cooled his courage considerably, and, as it were, +"bothered" him so, that he felt much less of the "gallant gay Lothario" +than he had done before the accident. + +The tramp of horses was heard overhead ere long, and _Shan More_, or +Big John, as the Hercules was called, told Bridget to go up to "the +darlin'," and help her down. + +"For that's a blackguard laddher," said he; "it turned undher me like +an eel, bad luck to it!--tell her I'd go up myself, only the ground is +slipping from undher me--and the laddher--" + +Bridget went off, leaving Jack growling forth anathemas against the +ground and the ladder, and returned speedily with the mock-lady and her +attendant squires. + +"Oh, my jewel!" roared Jack, as he caught sight of his prize. He +scrambled up on his legs, and made a rush at Andy, who imitated a +woman's scream and fright at the expected embrace; but it was with much +greater difficulty he suppressed his laughter at the headlong fall with +which Big Jack plunged his head into a heap of turf, [Footnote: Peat] +and hugged a sack of malt which lay beside it. + +Andy endeavoured to overcome the provocation to merriment by screeching; +and as Bridget caught the sound of this tendency towards laughter +between the screams, she thought it was the commencement of a fit +of hysterics, and it accounted all the better for Andy's extravagant +antics. + +"Oh, the craythur is frightened out of her life!" said Bridget. "Leave +her to me," said she to the men. "There, jewel machree!" she continued +to Andy, soothingly, "don't take on you that way--don't be afeerd, +you're among friends--Jack is only dhrunk dhrinking your health, +darlin', but he adores you." Andy screeched. + +"But don't be afeerd, you'll be thrated tender, and he'll marry you, +darlin', like an honest woman!" + +Andy squalled. + +"But not to-night, jewel--don't be frightened." + +Andy gave a heavy sob at the respite. + +"Boys, will you lift Jack out o' the turf, and carry him up into the +air? 't will be good for him, and this dacent girl will sleep with me +to-night." + +Andy couldn't resist a laugh at this, and Bridget feared the girl was +going off into hysterics again. + +"Aisy, dear--aisy--sure you'll be safe with me." + +"Ow! ow! ow!" shouted Andy. + +"Oh, murther!" cried Bridget, "the sterricks will be the death of her! +You blackguards, you frightened her coming up here, I'm sure." + +The men swore they behaved in the genteelest manner. "Well, take away +Jack, and the girl shall have share of my bed for this night." + +Andy shook internally with laughter. + +"Dear, dear, how she thrimbles!" cried Bridget, "Don't be so frightful, +_lanna machree_--there, now--they're taking Jack away, and you're alone +with myself and will have a nice sleep." + +The men all the time were removing _Shan More_ to upper air; and the +last sounds they heard as they left the cave were the coaxing tones of +Bridget's voice, inviting Andy, in the softest words, to go to bed. + + + + +CHAPTER XXXV + + +The workshops of Neck-or-Nothing Hall rang with the sounds of occupation +for two days after the demise of its former master. The hoarse grating +sound of the saw, the whistling of the plane, and the stroke of the +mallet denoted the presence of the carpenter; and the sharper clink of +a hammer told of old Fogy, the family "milliner," being at work; but +it was not on millinery Fogy was now employed, though neither was it +legitimate tinker's work. He was scrolling out with his shears, and +beating into form, a plate of tin, to serve for the shield on O'Grady's +coffin, which was to record his name, age, and day of departure; and +this was the second plate on which the old man worked, for one was +already finished in the corner. Why are there two coffin-plates? Enter +the carpenter's shop, and you will see the answer in two coffins the +carpenter has nearly completed. But why two coffins for one death? +Listen, reader, to a bit of Irish strategy. + +It has been stated that an apprehension was entertained of a seizure of +the inanimate body of O'Grady for the debts it had contracted in life, +and the harpy nature of the money-lender from whom this movement was +dreaded warranted the fear. Had O'Grady been popular, such a measure on +the part of a cruel creditor might have been defied, as the surrounding +peasantry would have risen _en masse_ to prevent it; but the hostile +position in which he had placed himself towards the people alienated the +natural affection they are born with for their chiefs, and any partial +defence the few fierce retainers whom individual interest had attached +to him could have made might have been insufficient; therefore, to save +his father's remains from the pollution (as the son considered) of a +bailiff's touch, Gustavus determined to achieve by stratagem what he +could not accomplish by force, and had two coffins constructed, the one +to be filled with stones and straw, and sent out by the front entrance +with all the demonstration of a real funeral, and be given up to the +attack it was feared would be made upon it while the other, put to its +legitimate use, should be placed on a raft, and floated down the river +to an ancient burial-ground which lay some miles below on the opposite +bank. A facility for this was afforded by a branch of the river running +up into the domain, as it will be remembered; and the scene of the +bearish freaks played upon Furlong was to witness a trick of a more +serious nature. + +While all these preparations were going forward, the "waking" was kept +up in all the barbarous style of old times; eating and drinking in +profusion went on in the house, and the kitchen of the hall rang with +joviality. The feats of sports and arms of the man who had passed +away were lauded, and his comparative achievements with those of +his progenitors gave rise to many a stirring anecdote; and bursts of +barbarous exultation, or more barbarous merriment, rang in the house +of death. There was no lack of whisky to fire the brains of these +revellers, for the standard of the measurement of family grandeur was, +too often, a liquid one in Ireland, even so recently as the time we +speak of; and the dozens of wine wasted during the life it helped to +shorten, and the posthumous gallons consumed in toasting to the memory +of the departed, were among the cherished remembrances of hereditary +honour. "There were two hogsheads of whisky drank at my father's wake!" +was but a moderate boast of a true Irish squire, fifty years ago. + +And now the last night of the wake approached, and the retainers +thronged to honour the obsequies of their departed chief with an +increased enthusiasm, which rose in proportion as the whisky got low; +and songs in praise of their present occupation--that is, getting +drunk--rang merrily round, and the sports of the field and the sorrows +and joys of love resounded; in short, the ruling passions of life +figured in rhyme and music in honour of this occasion of death--and as +death is the maker of widows, a very animated discussion on the subject +of widowhood arose, which afforded great scope for the rustic wits, and +was crowned by the song of "Widow Machree" being universally called for +by the company; and a fine-looking fellow with a merry eye and large +white teeth, which he amply displayed by a wide mouth, poured forth in +cheery tones a pretty lively air which suited well the humorous spirit +of the words:-- + +WIDOW MACHREE + + "Widow _machree_, it's no wonder you frown, + Och hone! widow machree: + 'Faith, it ruins your looks, that same dirty black gown, + Och hone! widow machree. + How altered your hair, + With that close cap you wear-- + 'Tis destroying your hair + Which should be flowing free: + Be no longer a churl + Of its black silken curl, + Och hone! widow machree. + + "Widow machree, now the summer is come, + Och hone! widow machree; + When everything smiles, should a beauty look glum! + Och hone! widow machree. + See the birds go in pairs, + And the rabbits and hares-- + Why even the bears + Now in couples agree; + And the mute little fish, + Though they can't spake, they wish, + Och hone! widow machree. + + "Widow machree, and when winter comes in, + Och hone! widow machree, + To be poking the fire all alone is a sin, + Och hone! widow machree, + Sure the shovel and tongs + To each other belongs, + And the kittle sings songs + Full of family glee, + While alone with your cup, + Like a hermit _you_ sup-- + Och hone! widow machree. + + "And how do you know, with the comforts I've towld, + Och hone! widow machree, + But you're keeping some poor fellow out in the cowld, + Och hone! widow machree. + With such sins on your head, + Sure your peace would be fled, + Could you sleep in your bed, + Without thinking to see + Some ghost or some sprite, + That would wake you each night, + Crying, 'Och hone! widow machree.' + + "Then take my advice, darling widow machree, + Och hone! widow machree, + And with my advice, 'faith I wish you'd take me, + Och hone! widow machree. + You'd have me to desire + Then to sit by the fire; + And sure hope is no liar + In whispering to me + That the ghosts would depart, + When you'd me near your heart, + Och hone! widow machree." + +The singer was honoured with a round of applause, and his challenge for +another lay was readily answered, and mirth and music filled the night +and ushered in the dawn of the day which was to witness the melancholy +sight of the master of an ample mansion being made the tenant of the +"narrow house." + +In the evening of that day, however, the wail rose loud and long; the +mirth which "the waking" permits had passed away, and the _ulican_, or +funeral cry, told that the lifeless chief was being borne from his hall. +That wild cry was heard even by the party who were waiting to make their +horrid seizure, and for _that_ party the stone-laden coffin was sent +with a retinue of mourners through the old iron gate of the principal +entrance, while the mortal remains were borne by a smaller party to the +river inlet and placed on the raft. Half an hour had witnessed a sham +fight on the part of O'Grady's people with the bailiffs and their +followers, who made the seizure they intended, and locked up their prize +in an old barn to which it had been conveyed, until some engagement on +the part of the heir should liberate it; while the aforesaid heir, as +soon as the shadows of evening had shrouded the river in obscurity, +conveyed the remains, which the myrmidons of the law fancied they +possessed, to its quiet and lonely resting-place. The raft was taken +in tow by a boat carrying two of the boys, and pulled by four lusty +retainers of the departed chief, while Gustavus himself stood on the +raft, astride over the coffin, and with an eel-spear, which had afforded +him many a day's sport, performed the melancholy task of guiding it. +It was a strangely painful yet beautiful sight to behold the graceful +figure of the fine boy engaged in this last sad duty; with dexterous +energy he plied his spear, now on this side and now on that, directing +the course of the raft, or clearing it from the flaggers which +interrupted its passage through the narrow inlet. This duty he had to +attend to for some time, even after leaving the little inlet; for the +river was much overgrown with flaggers at this point, and the increasing +darkness made the task more difficult. + +In the midst of all this action not one word was spoken, even the sturdy +boatmen were mute, and the fall of the oar in the rowlock, the plash of +the water, and the crushing sound of the yielding rushes as the "watery +bier" made its way through them were the only sounds which broke the +silence. Still Gustavus betrayed no emotion; but by the time they +reached the open stream, and that his personal exertion was no longer +required, a change came over him. It was night,--the measured beat of +the oars sounded like a knell to him--there was darkness above him and +death below, and he sank down upon the coffin, and plunging his face +passionately between his hands, he wept bitterly. Sad were the thoughts +that oppressed the brain and wrung the heart of the high-spirited +boy. He felt that his dead father was _escaping_, as it were, to +the grave,--that even death did not terminate the consequences of an +ill-spent life. He felt like a thief in the night, even in the execution +of his own stratagem, and the bitter thoughts of that sad and solemn +time wrought a potent spell over after-years; that one hour of misery +and disgrace influenced the entire of a future life. + +On a small hill overhanging the river was the ruin of an ancient early +temple of Christianity, and to its surrounding burial-ground a few of +the retainers had been despatched to prepare a grave. They were engaged +in this task by the light of a torch made of bog-pine, when the flicker +of the flame attracted the eye of a horseman who was riding slowly along +the neighbouring road. Wondering what could be the cause of light +in such a place, he leaped the adjoining fence and rode up to the +grave-yard. + +"What are you doing here?" he said to the labourers. They paused and +looked up, and the flash of the torch fell upon the features of +Edward O'Connor. "We're finishing your work," said one of the men with +malicious earnestness. + +"My work?" repeated Edward. + +"Yes," returned the man, more sternly than before--"this is the grave of +O'Grady." + +The words went like an ice-bolt through Edward's heart, and even by the +torchlight the tormentor could see his victim grew livid. + +The fellow who wounded so deeply one so generally beloved as Edward +O'Connor was a thorough ruffian. His answer to Edward's query sprang not +from love of O'Grady, nor abhorrence of taking human life, but from the +opportunity of retort which the occasion offered upon one who had once +checked him in an act of brutality. + +Yet Edward O'Connor could not reply--it was a home thrust. The death +of O'Grady had weighed heavily upon him; for though O'Grady's wound +had been given in honourable combat, provoked by his own fury, and not +producing immediate death; though that death had supervened upon the +subsequent intractability of the patient; yet the fact that O'Grady had +never been "up and doing" since the duel tended to give the impression +that his wound was the remote if not the immediate cause of his death, +and this circumstance weighed heavily on Edward's spirits. His friends +told him he felt over keenly upon the subject, and that no one but +himself could entertain a question of _his_ total innocence of O'Grady's +death; but when from the lips of a common peasant he got the answer +he did, and _that_ beside the grave of his adversary, it will not be +wondered at that he reeled in his saddle. A cold shivering sickness +came over him, and to avoid falling he alighted and leaned for support +against his horse, which stooped, when freed from the restraint of the +rein, to browse on the rank verdure; and for a moment Edward envied the +unconsciousness of the animal against which he leaned. He pressed his +forehead against the saddle, and from the depth of a bleeding heart came +up an agonised exclamation. + +A gentle hand was laid on his shoulder as he spoke, and, turning round, +he beheld Mr. Bermingham. + +"What brings you here?" said the clergyman. + +"Accident," answered Edward. "But why should I say accident?--it is by a +higher authority and a better--it is the will of Heaven. It is meant as +a bitter lesson to human pride: we make for ourselves laws of _honour_, +and forget the laws of God!" + +"Be calm, my young friend," said the worthy pastor; "I cannot wonder you +feel deeply--but command yourself." He pressed Edward's hand as he spoke +and left him, for he knew that an agony so keen is not benefited by +companionship. + +Mr. Bermingham was there by appointment to perform the burial service, +and he had not left Edward's side many minutes when a long wild whistle +from the waters announced the arrival of the boat and raft, and the +retainers ran down to the river, leaving the pine-torch stuck in the +upturned earth, waving its warm blaze over the cold grave. During +the interval which ensued between the departure of the men and their +reappearance, bearing the body to its last resting-place, Mr. Bermingham +spoke with Edward O'Connor, and soothed him into a more tranquil +bearing. When the coffin came within view he advanced to meet it, and +began the sublime burial-service, which he repeated most impressively. +When it was over, the men commenced filling up the grave. As the clods +fell upon the coffin, they smote the hearts of the dead man's children; +yet the boys stood upon the verge of the grave as long as a vestige +of the tenement of their lost father could be seen; but as soon as the +coffin was hidden, they withdrew from the brink, and the younger boys, +each taking hold of the hand of the eldest, seemed to imply the need +of mutual dependence:--as if death had drawn closer the bond of +brotherhood. + +There was no sincerer mourner at that place than Edward O'Connor, who +stood aloof, in respect for the feelings of the children of the departed +man, till the grave was quite filled up, and all were about to leave the +spot; but then his feelings overmastered him, and, impelled by a torrent +of contending emotions, he rushed forward, and throwing himself on his +knees before Gustavus, he held up his hands imploringly, and sobbed +forth, "Forgive me!" + +The astonished boy drew back. + +"Oh, forgive me!" repeated Edward--"I could not help it--it was forced +on me--it was--" + +As he struggled for utterance, even the rough retainers were touched, +and one of them exclaimed, "Oh, Mr. O'Connor, it was a fair fight!" + +"There!" exclaimed Edward--"you hear it! Oh, give me your hand in +forgiveness!" + +"I forgive you," said the boy, "but do not ask me to give you my hand +to-night." + +"You are right" said Edward, springing to his feet--"you are right--you +are a noble fellow; and now, remember my parting words, Gustavus:--Here, +by the side of your father's grave, I pledge you my soul that through +life and till death, in all extremity, Edward O'Connor is your sworn and +trusty friend." + + + + +CHAPTER XXXVI + + +While the foregoing scene of sadness took place in the lone churchyard, +unholy watch was kept over the second coffin by the myrmidons of the +law. The usurer who made the seizure had brought down from Dublin three +of the most determined bailiffs from amongst the tribe, and to their +care was committed the keeping of the supposed body in the old barn. +Associated with these worthies were a couple of ill-conditioned country +blackguards, who, for the sake of a bottle of whisky, would keep company +with Old Nick himself, and who expected, moreover, to hear "a power +o' news" from the "gentlemen" from Dublin, who, in their turn did not +object to have their guard strengthened, as their notions of a rescue in +the country parts of Ireland were anything but agreeable. The night was +cold, so, clearing away from one end of the barn the sheaves of corn +with which it was stored, they made a turf fire, stretched themselves +on a good shake-down of straw before the cheering blaze, and circulated +among them the whisky, of which they had a good store. A tap at the +door announced a new-comer; but the Dublin bailiffs, fearing a surprise, +hesitated to open to the knock until their country allies assured them +it was a friend whose voice they recognised. The door was opened, and in +walked Larry Hogan, to pick up his share of what was going, whatever it +might be, saying-- + +"I thought you wor for keeping me out altogether." + +"The gintlemin from Dublin was afeard of what they call a riskya" +(rescue), said the peasant, "till I told them 't was a friend." + +"Divil a riskya will come near you to-night," said Larry, "you may make +your minds aisy about that, for the people doesn't care enough about +_his_ bones to get their own broke in savin' him, and no wondher. It's +a lantherumswash bully he always was, quiet as he is now. And there you +are, my bold squire," said he, apostrophising the coffin which had +been thrown on a heap of sheaves. "Faix, it's a good kitchen you kep', +anyhow, whenever you had it to spind; and indeed when you _hadn't_ you +spint it all the same, for the divil a much you cared how you got +it; but death has made you pay the reckoning at last--that thing that +filly-officers call the debt o' nature must be paid, whatever else you +may owe." + +"Why, it's as good as a sarmon to hear you," said one of the bailiffs. +"O Larry, sir, discourses iligant," said a peasant. + +"Tut, tut, tut," said Larry, with affected modesty: "it's not what _I_ +say, but I can tell you a thing that Docthor Growlin' put out on him +more nor a year ago, which was mighty 'cute. Scholars calls it an +'epithet of dissipation,' which means getting a man's tombstone ready +for him before he dies; and divil a more cutting thing was ever cut on a +tombstone than the doctor's rhyme; this is it-- + + 'Here lies O'Grady, that cantankerous creature, + Who paid, as all must pay, the debt of nature; + But, keeping to his general maxim still, + Paid it--like other debts--against his will.'" + +[Footnote: These bitter lines on a "bad pay" were written by a Dublin +medical wit of high repute, of whom Dr. Growling is a prototype.] + +"What do _you_ think o' that, Goggins?" inquired one bailiff from the +other; "you're a judge o' po'thry." + +"It's _sevare,"_ answered Goggins, authoritatively, "but _coorse,_ I +wish you'd brile the rashers; I begin to feel the calls o' nature, as +the poet says." + +This Mister Goggins was a character in his way. He had the greatest +longing to be thought a poet, put execrable couplets together +sometimes, and always talked as fine as he could; and his mixture of +sentimentality, with a large stock of blackguardism, produced a strange +jumble. + +"The people here thought it nate, sir," said Larry. + +"Oh, very well for the country!" said Goggins; "but 't wouldn't do for +town." + +"Misther Coggings knows best," said the bailiff who first spoke, "for +he's a pote himself, and writes in the newspapers." + +"Oh, indeed!" said Larry. + +"Yes," said Goggins, "sometimes I throw off little things for the +newspapers. There's a friend of mine you see, a gentleman connected with +the press, who is often in defficulties, and I give him a hint to keep +out o' the way when he's in trouble, and he swears I've a genus for the +muses, and encourages me--" + +"Humph!" says Larry. + +"And puts my things in the paper, when he gets the editor's back turned, +for the editor is a consaited chap that likes no one's po'thry but his +own; but never mind--if I ever get a writ against that chap, _won't_ I +sarve it!" + +"And I dar say some day you will have it agen him, sir," said Larry. + +"Sure of it, a'most," said Goggins; "them litherary men is always in +defficulties." + +"I wondher you'd be like them, then, and write at all," said Larry. + +"Oh, as for me, it's only by way of amusement; attached as I am to the +legal profession, my time wouldn't permit; but I have been infected by +the company I kept. The living images that creeps over a man sometimes +is irresistible, and you have no pace till you get them out o' your +head." + +"Oh, indeed, they are very throublesome," says Larry, "and are the +litherary gintlemen, sir, as you call them, mostly that way?" + +"To be sure; it is _that_ which makes a litherary man: his head is +full--teems with creation, sir." + +"Dear, dear!" said Larry. + +"And when once the itch of litherature comes over a man, nothing can +cure it but the scratching of a pen." + +"But if you have not a pen, I suppose you must scratch any other way you +can." + +"To be sure," said Goggins, "I have seen a litherary gentleman in a +sponging-house do crack things on the wall with a bit of burnt stick, +rather than be idle--they must execute." + +"Ha!" says Larry. + +"Sometimes, in all their poverty and difficulty, I envy the 'fatal +fatality,' as the poet says, of such men in catching ideas." + +"That's the genteel name for it," says Larry. + +"Oh!" exclaimed Goggins, enthusiastically, "I know the satisfaction of +catching a man, but it's nothing at all compared to catching an idea. +For the man, you see, can give hail and get off, but the idea is your +own for ever. And then a rhyme--when it has puzzled you all day, the +pleasure you have in _nabbing_ it at last!" + +"Oh, it's po'thry you're spakin' about," said Larry. + +"To be sure," said Goggins; "do you think I'd throw away my time on +prose? You're burning that bacon, Tim," said he to his _sub_. + +"Poethry, agen the world!" continued he to Larry, "the Castilian +sthraime for me!--Hand us that whisky"--he put the bottle to his mouth +and took a swig--"That's good--you do a bit of private here, I suspect," +said he, with a wink, pointing to the bottle. + +Larry returned a significant grin, but said nothing. Oh, don't be afraid +o' me--I would n't'peach--" + +"Sure it's agen the law, and you're a gintleman o' the law," said Larry. + +"That's no rule," said Goggins: "the Lord Chief Justice always goes to +bed, they say, with six tumblers o' potteen under his belt; and dhrink +it myself." + +"Arrah, how do you get it?" said Larry. + +"From a gentleman, a friend o' mine, in the Custom-house." + +"A-dad, that's quare," said Larry, laughing. + +"Oh, we see queer things, I tell you," said Goggins, "we gentlemen of +the law." + +"To be sure you must," returned Larry; "and mighty improvin' it must be. +Did you ever catch a thief, sir?" + +"My good man, you mistake my profession," said Goggins, proudly; "we +never have anything to do in the _criminal_ line, that's much beneath +_us_." + +"I ax your pardon, sir." + +"No offence--no offence." + +"But it must be mighty improvin', I think, ketching of thieves, and +finding out their thricks and hidin'-places, and the like?" + +"Yes, yes," said Goggins, "good fun; though I don't do it, I know all +about it, and could tell queer things too." + +"Arrah, maybe you would, sir?" said Larry. + +"Maybe I will, after we nibble some rashers--will you take share?" + +"Musha, long life to you," said Larry, always willing to get whatever he +could. A repast was now made, more resembling a feast of savages round +their war-fire than any civilised meal; slices of bacon broiled in +the fire, and eggs roasted in the turf-ashes. The viands were not +objectionable; but the cooking! Oh!--there was neither gridiron nor +frying-pan, fork nor spoon; a couple of clasp-knives served the whole +party. Nevertheless, they satisfied their hunger and then sent the +bottle on its exhilarating round. Soon after that, many a story of +burglary, robbery, swindling, petty larceny, and every conceivable +crime, was related for the amusement of the circle; and the plots +and counterplots of thieves and thief-takers raised the wonder of the +peasants. Larry Hogan was especially delighted; more particularly when +some trick of either villany or cunning came out. + +"Now women are troublesome cattle to deal with mostly," said Goggins. +"They are remarkably 'cute first, and then they are spiteful after; +and for circumventin' _either_ way are sharp hands. You see they do it +quieter than men; a man will make a noise about it, but a woman does +it all on the sly. There was Bill Morgan--and a sharp fellow he was, +too--and he had set his heart on some silver spoons he used to see down +in a kitchen windy, but the servant-maid, somehow or other, suspected +there was designs about the place, and was on the watch. Well, one +night, when she was all alone, she heard a noise outside the windy, so +she kept as quiet as a mouse. By-and-by the sash was attempted to be +riz from the outside, so she laid hold of a kittle of boiling wather and +stood hid behind the shutter. The windy was now riz a little, and a hand +and arm thrust in to throw up the sash altogether, when the girl poured +the boiling wather down the sleeve of Bill's coat. Bill roared with +the pain, when the girl said to him, laughing, through the windy, 'I +_thought_ you came for something.'" + +"That was a 'cute girl," said Larry, chuckling. + +"Well, now, that's an instance of a woman's cleverness in preventing. +I'll teach you one of her determination to discover and prosecute to +conviction; and in this case, what makes it curious is, that Jack Tate +had done the bowldest thing, and run the greatest risks, 'the +eminent deadly,' as the poet says, when he was done up at last by a +feather-bed." + +"A feather-bed," repeated Larry, wondering how a feather-bed could +influence the fate of a bold burglar, while Goggins mistook his +exclamation of surprise to signify the paltriness of the prize, and +therefore chimed in with him. + +"Quite true--no wonder you wonder--quite below a man of his pluck; but +the fact was, a sweetheart of his was longing for a feather-bed, and +Jack determined to get it. Well, he marched into a house, the door of +which he found open, and went up-stairs, and took the best feather-bed +in the house, tied it up in the best quilt, crammed some caps and +ribbons he saw lying about into the bundle, and marched down-stairs +again; but you see, in carrying off even the small thing of a +feather-bed, Jack showed the skill of a high practitioner, for he +descendhered the stairs backwards." + +"Backwards!" said Larry, "what was that for?" + +"You'll see by-and-by," said Goggins; "he descendhered backwards when +suddenly he heard a door opening, and a faymale voice exclaim, 'Where +are you going with that bed?' + +"'I am going up-stairs with it, ma'am,' says Jack, whose backward +position favoured his lie, and he began to walk up again. + +"'Come down here,' said the lady, 'we want no beds here, man.' + +"'Mr. Sullivan, ma'am, sent me home with it himself,' said Jack, still +mounting the stairs. + +"'Come down, I tell you,' said the lady, in a great rage. 'There's +no Mr. Sullivan lives here--go out of this with your bed, you stupid +fellow.' + +"'I beg your pardon, ma'am,' says Jack, turning round, and marching off +with the bed fair and aisy. Well, there was a regular shilloo in the +house when the thing was found out, and cart-ropes wouldn't howld the +lady for the rage she was in at being diddled; so she offered rewards, +and the dickens knows all; and what do you think at last discovered our +poor Jack?" + +"The sweetheart, maybe," said Larry, grinning in ecstasy at the thought +of human perfidy. + +"No," said Goggins, "honour even among sweethearts, though they do the +trick sometimes, I confess; but no woman of any honour would betray a +great man like Jack. No--'t was one of the paltry ribbons that brought +conviction home to him; the woman never lost sight of hunting up +evidence about her feather-bed, and, in the end, a ribbon out of one of +her caps settled the hash of Jack Tate." + +From robbings they went on to tell of murders, and at last that +uncomfortable sensation which people experience after a feast of horrors +began to pervade the party; and whenever they looked round, _there_ was +the coffin in the background. + +"Throw some turf on the fire," said Goggins, "'t is burning low; +and change the subject; the tragic muse has reigned sufficiently +long--enough of the dagger and the bowl--sink the socks and put on the +buckskins. Leather away, Jim--sing us a song." + +"What is it to be?" asked Jim. + +"Oh--that last song of the Solicitor-General's," said Goggins, with an +air as if the Solicitor-General were his particular friend. + +"About the robbery?" inquired Jim. + +"To be sure," returned Goggins. + +"Dear me," said Larry, "and would so grate a man as the +Solicithor-General demane himself by writin' about robbers?" + +"Oh!" said Goggins, "those in the heavy profession of the law must have +their little private moments of rollickzation; and then high men, you +see, like to do a bit of low by way of variety. 'The Night before Larry +was stretched' was done by a bishop, they say; and 'Lord Altamont's +Bull' by the Lord Chief Justice; and the Solicitor-General is as up to +fun as any bishop of them all. Come, Jim, tip us the stave!" + +Jim cleared his throat and obeyed his chief. + +THE QUAKER'S MEETING + +I + + "A traveller wended the wilds among, + With a purse of gold and a silver tongue; + His hat it was broad, and all drab were his clothes, + For he hated high colours--except on his nose, + And he met with a lady, the story goes. + Heigho! _yea_ thee and _nay_ thee. + +II + + "The damsel she cast him a merry blink, + And the traveller nothing was loth, I think; + Her merry black eye beamed her bonnet beneath, + And the quaker, he grinned, for he'd very good teeth, + And he asked, 'Art thee [1] going to ride on the heath?' + Heigho! _yea_ thee and _nay_ thee. + +[1][Footnote: The inferior class of quakers make THEE serve not only its +own grammatical use, but also do the duty of THY and THINE.] + +III + + "'I hope you'll protect me, kind sir,' said the maid, + 'As to ride this heath over I'm sadly afraid; + For robbers, they say, here in numbers abound, + And I wouldn't "for anything" I should be found, + For, between you and me, I have five hundred pound.' + Heigho! _yea_ thee and _nay_ thee. + +IV + + "'If that is thee own, dear,' the quaker he said, + 'I ne'er saw a maiden I sooner would wed; + And I have another five hundred just now, + In the padding that's under my saddle-bow, + And I'll settle it all upon thee, I vow!' + Heigho! _yea_ thee and _nay_ thee. + +V + + "The maiden she smiled, and her rein she drew, + 'Your offer I'll take, though I'll not take you;' + A pistol she held at the quaker's head-- + 'Now give me your gold, or I'll give you my lead, + 'Tis under the saddle I think you said.' + Heigho! _yea_ thee and _nay_ thee. + +VI + + "The damsel she ripp'd up the saddle-bow, + And the quaker was never a quaker till now; + And he saw by the fair one he wish'd for a bride + His purse borne away with a swaggering stride, + And the eye that looked tender now only defied. + Heigho! _yea_ thee and _nay_ thee. + +VII + + "'The spirit doth move me, friend Broadbrim,' quoth she, + 'To take all this filthy temptation from thee; + For Mammon deceiveth, and beauty is fleeting: + Accept from thy _maai-d'n_ a right loving greeting, + For much doth she profit by this quaker's meeting. + Heigho! _yea_ thee and _nay_ thee. + +VIII + + "'And hark! jolly quaker, so rosy and sly, + Have righteousness more than a wench in thine eye, + Don't go again peeping girls' bonnets beneath, + Remember the one that you met on the heath, + _Her_ name's _Jimmy_ Barlow--I tell to your teeth!' + Heigho! _yea_ thee and _nay_ thee. + +IX + + "'_Friend_ James,' quoth the quaker, 'pray listen to me, + For thou canst confer a great favour, d' ye see; + The gold thou hast taken is not mine, my friend, + But my master's--and on thee I depend + To make it appear I my trust did defend. + Heigho! _yea_ thee and _nay_ thee. + +X + + "'So fire a few shots through my clothes, here and there, + To make it appear 't was a desp'rate affair.' + So Jim he popped first through the skirt of his coat, + And then through his collar quite close to his throat. + 'Now once through my broad-brim,' quoth Ephraim, 'I vote. + Heigho! _yea_ thee and _nay_ thee. + +XI + + "'I have but a brace,' said bold Jim, 'and they 're spent, + And I won't load again for a make-believe rent.' + 'Then,' said Ephraim--producing his pistols--'just give + My five hundred pounds back--or, as sure as you live, + I'll make of your body a riddle or sieve.' + Heigho! _yea_ thee and _nay_ thee. + +XII + + "Jim Barlow was diddled, and though he was game, + He saw Ephraim's pistol so deadly in aim, + That he gave up the gold, and he took to his scrapers; + And when the whole story got into the papers, + They said that '_the thieves were no match for the quakers_.' + Heigho! _yea_ thee and _nay_ thee." + +"Well, it's a quare thing you should be singin' a song here," said Larry +Hogan, "about Jim Barlow, and it's not over half a mile out of this very +place he was hanged." + +"Indeed!" exclaimed all the men at once, looking with great interest at +Larry. + +"It's truth I'm telling you. He made a very bowld robbery up by the long +hill there, on _two_ gintlemen, for he was mighty stout." + +"Pluck to the back-bone," said Goggins. + +"Well, he tuk the purses aff both o' them; and just as he was goin' on +afther doin' the same, what should appear on the road before him, but +two other travellers coming up forninst him. With that the men that was +robbed cried out, 'Stop thief!' and so Jim, seein' himself hemmed in +betune the four o' them, faced his horse to the ditch and took across +the counthry; but the thravellers was well mounted as well as himself, +and powdhered afther him like mad. Well, it was equal to a steeple chase +a'most; and Jim, seein' he could not shake them off, thought the best +thing he could do was to cut out some troublesome work for them; so he +led off where he knew there was the divil's own leap to take, and he +intended to 'pound [Footnote: Impound] them there, and be off in the +mane time; but as ill luck would have it, his own horse, that was as +bowld as himself, and would jump at the moon if he was faced to it, +missed his foot in takin' off, and fell short o' the leap and slipped +his shouldher, and Jim himself had a bad fall of it too, and, av coorse, +it was all over wid him--and up came the four gintlemen. Well, Jim had +his pistols yet, and he pulled them out, and swore he'd shoot the first +man that attempted to take him; but the gintlemen had pistols as well as +he, and were so hot on the chase they determined to have him, and closed +on him. Jim fired and killed one o' them; but he got a ball in the +shouldher himself, from another, and he was taken. Jim sthruv to shoot +himself with his second pistol, but it missed fire. 'The curse o' the +road is on me,' said Jim; 'my pistol missed fire, and my horse slipped +his shouldher, and now I'll be scragged,' says he, 'but it's not for +nothing--I've killed one o' ye,' says he." + +"He was all pluck," said Goggins. + +"Desperate bowld," said Larry. "Well, he was thried and condimned _av +coorse_, and was hanged, as I tell you, half a mile out o' this very +place, where we are sittin', and his appearance walks, they say, ever +since." + +"You don't say so!" said Goggins. + +"'Faith, it's thrue!" answered Larry. + +"You never saw it," said Goggins. + +"The Lord forbid!" returned Larry; "but it's thrue, for all that. For +you see the big house near this barn, that is all in ruin, was desarted +because Jim's ghost used to walk." + +"That was foolish," said Goggins; "stir up the fire, Jim, and hand me +the whisky." + +"Oh, if it was only walkin', they might have got over that; but at last +one night, as the story goes, when there was a thremendious storm o' +wind and rain--" + +"Whisht!" said one of the peasants, "what's that?" + +As they listened, they heard the beating of heavy rain against the door, +and the wind howled through its chinks. + +"Well," said Goggins, "what are you stopping for?" + +"Oh, I'm not stoppin'," said Larry; "I was sayin' that it was a bad wild +night, and Jimmy Barlow's appearance came into the house and asked them +for a glass o' sper'ts, and that he'd be obleeged to them if they'd +help him with his horse that slipped his shouldher; and, 'faith, afther +_that_, they'd stay in the place no longer; and signs on it, the house +is gone to rack and ruin, and it's only this barn that is kept up at +all, because it's convaynient for owld Skinflint on the farm." + +"That's all nonsense," said Goggins, who wished, nevertheless, that he +had not heard the "nonsense." + +"Come, sing another song, Jim." + +Jim said he did not remember one. + +"Then you sing, Ralph." + +Ralph said every one knew he never did more than join a chorus. + +"Then join me in a chorus," said Goggins, "for I'll sing, if Jim's +afraid." + +"I'm not afraid," said Jim. + +"Then why won't you sing?" + +"Because I don't like." + +"Ah!" exclaimed Goggins. + +"Well, maybe you're afraid yourself," said Jim, "if you towld thruth." +"Just to show you how little I'm afeard," said Goggins, with a +swaggering air, "I'll sing another song about Jimmy Barlow." + +"You'd better not," said Larry Hogan. "Let him rest in pace!" + +"Fudge!" said Goggins. "Will you join chorus, Jim?" + +"I will," said Jim, fiercely. + +"We'll all join," said the men (except Larry), who felt it would be a +sort of relief to bully away the supernatural terror which hung round +their hearts after the ghost story by the sound of their own voices. + +"Then here goes!" said Goggins, who started another long ballad about +Jimmy Barlow, in the opening of which all joined. It ran as follows:-- + + "My name it is Jimmy Barlow, + I was born in the town of Carlow, + And here I lie in the Maryborough jail, + All for the robbing of the Wicklow mail. + Fol de rol de rol de riddle-ido!" + +As it would be tiresome to follow this ballad through all its length, +breadth, and thickness, we shall leave the singers engaged in their +chorus, while we call the reader's attention to a more interesting +person than Mister Goggins or Jimmy Barlow. + + + + +CHAPTER XXXVII + + +When Edward O'Connor had hurried from the burial-place, he threw himself +into his saddle, and urged his horse to speed, anxious to fly the spot +where his feelings had been so harrowed; and as he swept along through +the cold night wind which began to rise in gusty fits, and howled past +him, there was in the violence of his rapid motion something congenial +to the fierce career of painful thoughts which chased each other through +his heated brain. He continued to travel at this rapid pace, so absorbed +in bitter reflection as to be quite insensible to external impressions, +and he knew not how far nor how fast he was going, though the heavy +breathing of his horse at any other time would have been signal +sufficient to draw the rein; but still he pressed onward, and still the +storm increased, and each acclivity was topped but to sweep down the +succeeding slope at the same desperate pace. Hitherto the road over +which he pursued his fleet career lay through an open country, and +though the shades of a stormy night hung above it, the horse could make +his way in safety through the gloom; but now they approached an old road +which skirted an ancient domain, whose venerable trees threw their arms +across the old causeway, and added their shadows to the darkness of the +night. + +Many and many a time had Edward ridden in the soft summer under the +green shade of these very trees, in company with Fanny Dawson, his +guiltless heart full of hope and love; perhaps it was this very thought +crossing his mind at the moment which made his present circumstances the +more oppressive. He was guiltless no longer--he rode not in happiness +with the woman he adored under the soft shade of summer trees, but heard +the wintry wind howl through their leafless boughs as he hurried in +maddened speed beneath them, and heard in the dismal sound but an +echo of the voice of remorse which was ringing through his heart. The +darkness was intense from the canopy of old oaks which overhung the +road, but still the horse was urged through the dark ravine at speed, +though one might not see an arm's length before. Fearlessly it was +performed, though ever and anon, as the trees swung about their heavy +branches in the storm, smaller portions of the boughs were snapped off +and flung in the faces of the horse and the rider, who still spurred +and plashed his headlong way through the heavy road beneath. Emerging +at length from the deep and overshadowed valley, a steep hill raised +its crest in advance, but still up the stony acclivity the feet of the +mettled steed rattled rapidly, and flashed fire from the flinty path. As +they approached the top of the hill, the force of the storm became more +apparent; and on reaching its crest, the fierce pelting of the mingled +rain and hail made the horse impatient of the storm of which his rider +was heedless--almost unconscious. The spent animal with short snortings +betokened his labour, and shook his head passionately as the fierce +hail-shower struck him in the eyes and nostrils. Still, however, was he +urged downward, but he was no longer safe. Quite blown, and pressed +over a rough descent, the generous creature, that would die rather than +refuse, made a false step, and came heavily to the ground. Edward was +stunned by the fall, though not seriously hurt; and, after the lapse of +a few seconds, recovered his feet, but found the horse still prostrate. +Taking the animal by the head, he assisted him to rise, which he was not +enabled to do till after several efforts; and when he regained his legs, +it was manifest he was seriously lamed; and as he limped along with +difficulty beside his master, who led him gently, it became evident that +it was beyond the animal's power to reach his own stable that night. +Edward for the first time was now aware of how much he had punished his +horse; he felt ashamed of using the noble brute with such severity, and +became conscious that he had been acting under something little short +of frenzy. The consciousness at once tended to restore him somewhat to +himself, and he began to look around on every side in search of some +house where he could find rest and shelter for his disabled horse. As +he proceeded thus, the care necessarily bestowed on his dumb companion +partially called off his thoughts from the painful theme with which they +had been exclusively occupied, and the effect was most beneficial. The +first violent burst of feeling was past, and a calmer train of thought +succeeded; he for the first time remembered the boy had forgiven him, +and that was a great consolation to him; he recalled, too, his own +words, pledging to Gustavus his friendship, and in this pleasing hope of +the future he saw much to redeem what he regretted of the past. Still, +however, the wild flare of the pine-torch over the lone grave of his +adversary, and the horrid answer of the grave-digger, that he was but +"finishing _his_ work," would recur to his memory and awake an internal +pang. + +From this painful reminiscence he sought to escape, by looking forward +to all he would do for Gustavus, and had become much calmer, when the +glimmer of a light not far ahead attracted him, and he soon was enabled +to perceive it proceeded from some buildings that lay on his right, +not far from the road. He turned up the rough path which formed the +approach, and the light escaped through the chinks of a large door which +indicated the place to be a coach-house, or some such office, belonging +to the general pile which seemed in a ruinous condition. + +As he approached, Edward heard rude sounds of merriment, amongst which +the joining of many voices in a "ree-raw" chorus indicated that a +carouse was going forward within. + +On reaching the door he could perceive through a wide chink a group +of men sitting round a turf fire piled at the far end of the building, +which had no fire-place, and the smoke, curling upwards to the roof, +wreathed the rafters in smoke; beneath this vapoury canopy the party +sat drinking and singing, and Edward, ere he knocked for admittance, +listened to the following strange refrain:-- + + _"For my name it is Jimmy Barlow, + I was born in the town of Carlow, + And here I lie in Maryborough jail, + All for the robbing of the Wicklow mail. + Fol de rol de riddle-iddle-ido!"_ + +Then the principal singer took up the song, which seemed to be one of +robbery, blood, and murder, for it ran thus:-- + + "Then he cocked his pistol gaily, + And stood before him bravely, + Smoke and fire is my desire, + So blaze away, my game-cock squire. + _For my name it is Jimmy Barlow, + I was born &c._" + +Edward O'Connor knocked at the door loudly; the words he had just heard +about "pistols," "blazing away," and, last of all, "_squire_" fell +gratingly on his ear at that moment, and seemed strangely to connect +themselves with the previous adventures of the night and his own sad +thoughts, and he beat against the door with violence. + +The chorus ceased; Edward repeated his knocking. Still there was no +answer; but he heard low and hurried muttering inside. Determined, +however, to gain admittance, Edward laid hold of an iron hasp outside +the door, which enabled him to shake the gate with violence, that there +might be no excuse on the part of the inmates that they did not hear; +but in thus making the old door rattle in its frame, it suddenly yielded +to his touch and creaked open on its rusty hinges; for when Larry Hogan +had entered, it had been forgotten to be barred. + +As Edward stood in the open doorway, the first object which met his eye +was the coffin--and it is impossible to say how much at that moment the +sight shocked him; he shuddered involuntarily, yet could not withdraw +his eyes from the revolting object; and the pallor with which his +previous mental anxiety had invested his cheek increased as he looked on +this last tenement of mortality. "Am I to see nothing but the evidences +of death's doing this night?" was the mental question which shot through +Edward's over-wrought brain, and he grew livid at the thought. He looked +more like one raised from the grave than a living being, and a wild +glare in his eyes rendered his appearance still more unearthly. He felt +that shame which men always experience in allowing their feelings to +overcome them; and by a great effort he mastered his emotion and spoke, +but the voice partook of the strong nervous excitement under which he +laboured, and was hollow and broken, and seemed more like that which one +might fancy to proceed from the jaws of a sepulchre than one of flesh +and blood. Beaten by the storm, too, his hair hung in wet flakes over +his face and added to his wild appearance, so that the men all started +up at the first glimpse they caught of him, and huddled themselves +together in the farthest corner of the building, from whence they eyed +him with evident alarm. + +Edward thought some whisky might check the feeling of faintness which +overcame him; and though he deemed it probable he had broken in upon the +nocturnal revel of desperate and lawless men, he nevertheless asked them +to give him some; but instead of displaying that alacrity so universal +in Ireland, of sharing the "creature" with a new-comer, the men only +pointed to the bottle which stood beside the fire, and drew closer +together. + +Edward's desire for the stimulant was so great, that he scarcely noticed +the singular want of courtesy on the part of the men; and seizing the +bottle (for there was no glass), he put it to his lips, and quaffed a +hearty dram of the spirit before he spoke. + +"I must ask for shelter and assistance here," said Edward. "My horse, I +fear, has slipped his shoulder--" + +Before he could utter another word, a simultaneous roar of terror burst +from the group; they fancied the ghost of Jimmy Barlow was before them, +and made a simultaneous rush from the barn; and when they saw the horse +at the door, another yell escaped them, as they fled with increased +speed and terror. Edward stood in amazement as the men rushed from his +presence; he followed to the gate to recall them; they were gone; he +could only hear their yells in the distance. The circumstance seemed +quite unaccountable; and as he stood lost in vain surmises as to the +cause of the strange occurrence, a low neigh of recognition from the +horse reminded him of the animal's wants, and he led him into the barn, +where, from the plenty of straw which lay around, he shook down a litter +where the maimed animal might rest. + +He then paced up and down the barn, lost in wonder at the conduct +of those whom he found there, and whom his presence had so suddenly +expelled; and ever as he walked towards the fire, the coffin caught his +eye. As a fitful blaze occasionally arose, it flashed upon the plate, +which brightly reflected the flame, and Edward was irresistibly drawn, +despite his original impression of horror at the object, to approach and +read the inscription. The shield bore the name of "O'Grady," and Edward +recoiled from the coffin with a shudder, and inwardly asked, was he in +his waking senses? He had but an hour ago seen his adversary laid in his +grave, yet here was his coffin again before him, as if to harrow up his +soul anew. Was it real, or a mockery? Was he the sport of a dream, or +was there some dreadful curse fallen upon him that he should be for ever +haunted by the victim of his arm, and the call of vengeance for blood +be ever upon his track? He breathed short and hard, and the smoky +atmosphere in which he was enveloped rendered respiration still more +difficult. As through this oppressive vapour, which seemed only fit +for the nether world, he saw the coffin-plate flash back the flame, his +imagination accumulated horror on horror; and when the blaze sank, and +but the bright red of the fire was reflected, it seemed to him to burn, +as it were, with a spot of blood, and he could support the scene no +longer, but rushed from the barn in a state of mind bordering on frenzy. + +It was about an hour afterwards, near midnight, that the old barn was in +flames; most likely some of the straw near the fire, in the confusion +of the breaking up of the party, had been scattered within range of +ignition, and caused the accident. The flames were seen for miles round +the country, and the shattered walls of the ruined mansion-house were +illuminated brightly by the glare of the consuming barn, which in the +morning added its own blackened and reeking ruin to the desolation, +and crowds of persons congregated to the spot for many days after. The +charred planks of the coffin were dragged from amongst the ruin; and +as the roof in falling in had dragged a large portion of the wall +along with it, the stones which had filled the coffin could not be +distinguished from those of the fallen building, therefore much wonder +arose that no vestige of the bones of the corpse it was supposed to +contain should be discovered. Wonder increased to horror as the strange +fact was promulgated, and in the ready credulity of a superstitious +people, the terrible belief became general, that his sable majesty had +made off with O'Grady and the party watching him; for as the Dublin +bailiffs never stopped till they got back to town, and were never seen +again in the country, it was most natural to suppose that the devil had +made a haul of _them_ at the same time. In a few days rumour added the +spectral appearance of Jim Barlow to the tale, which only deepened +its mysterious horror; and though, after some time, the true story was +promulgated by those who knew the real state of the case, yet the truth +never gained ground, and was considered but a clever sham, attempted by +the family to prevent so dreadful a story from attaching to their house; +and tradition perpetuates to this hour the belief that _the devil flew +away with O'Grady._ + +Lone and shunned as the hill was where the ruined house stood, it became +more lone and shunned than ever, and the boldest heart in the whole +country-side would quail to be in its vicinity, even in the day-time. To +such a pitch the panic rose, that an extensive farm which encircled +it, and belonged to the old usurer who made the seizure, fell into a +profitless state from the impossibility of men being found to work upon +it. It was useless even as pasture, for no one could be found to herd +cattle upon it; altogether it was a serious loss to the money-grubber; +and so far the incident of the burnt barn, and the tradition it gave +rise to, acted beneficially in making the inhuman act of warring with +the dead recoil upon the merciless old usurer. + + + + +CHAPTER XXXVIII + + +We left Andy in what may be called a delicate situation, and though +Andy's perceptions of the refined were not very acute, he himself began +to wonder how he should get out of the dilemma into which circumstances +had thrown him; and even to his dull comprehension various terminations +to his adventure suggested themselves, till he became quite confused in +the chaos which his own thoughts created. One good idea, however, Andy +contrived to lay hold of out of the bundle which perplexed him; he felt +that to gain time would be an advantage, and if evil must come of his +adventure, the longer he could keep it off the better; so he kept up his +affectation of timidity, and put in his sobs and lamentations, like so +many commas and colons, as it were, to prevent Bridget from arriving at +her climax of going to bed. + +Bridget insisted bed was the finest thing in the world for a young woman +in distress of mind. + +Andy protested he never could get a wink of sleep when his mind was +uneasy. Bridget promised the most sisterly tenderness. + +Andy answered by a lament for his mother. + +"Come to bed, I tell you," said Bridget. + +"Are the sheets aired?" sobbed Andy. + +"What!" exclaimed Bridget, in amazement. + +"If you are not sure of the sheets bein' aired," said Andy, "I'd be +afeard of catchin' cowld." + +"Sheets, indeed!" said Bridget; "'faith, it's a dainty lady you are, if +you can't sleep without sheets." + +"What!" returned Andy, "no sheets?" + +"Divil a sheet." + +"Oh, mother, mother!" exclaimed Andy, "what would you say to your +innocent child being tuk away to a place where there was no sheets?" + +"Well, I never heerd the like!" says Bridget. + +"Oh, the villains! to bring me where I wouldn't have a bit o' clane +linen to lie in!" + +"Sure, there's blankets, I tell you." + +"Oh, don't talk to me!" roared Andy; "sure, you know, sheets is only +dacent." + +"Bother, girl! Isn't a snug woolly blanket a fine thing?" + +"Oh, don't brake my heart that-a-way!" sobbed Andy; "sure, there's wool +on any dirty sheep's back, but linen is dacency! Oh, mother, mother, if +you thought your poor girl was without a sheet this night!" + +And so Andy went on, spinning his bit of "linen manufacture" as long as +he could, and raising Bridget's wonder that, instead of the lament which +abducted ladies generally raise about their "vartue," this young woman's +principal complaint arose on the scarcity of flax. Bridget appealed +to common sense if blankets were not good enough in these bad times; +insisting, moreover, that, as "love was warmer than friendship, so wool +was warmer than flax," the beauty of which parallel case nevertheless +failed to reconcile the disconsolate abducted. Now Andy had pushed his +plea of the want of linen as far as he thought it would go, and when +Bridget returned to the charge, and reiterated the oft-repeated "Come +to bed, I tell you!" Andy had recourse to twiddling about his toes, and +chattering his teeth, and exclaimed in a tremulous voice, "Oh, I've a +thrimblin' all over me!" + +"Loosen the sthrings o' you, then," said Bridget, about to suit +the action to the word. "Ow! ow!" cried Andy, "don't touch me--I'm +ticklish." + +"Then open the throat o' your gown yourself, dear," said Bridget. + +"I've a cowld on my chest, and darn't," said Andy; "but I think a dhrop +of hot punch would do me good if I had it." + +"And plenty of it," said Bridget, "if that'll plaze you." She rose as +she spoke, and set about getting "the materials" for making punch. + +Andy hoped, by means of this last idea, to drink Bridget into a state of +unconsciousness, and then make his escape; but he had no notion, until +he tried, what a capacity the gentle Bridget had for carrying tumblers +of punch steadily; he proceeded as cunningly as possible, and, on the +score of "the thrimblin' over him," repeated the doses of punch, which, +nevertheless, he protested he couldn't touch, unless Bridget kept him in +countenance, glass for glass; and Bridget--genial soul--was no way both; +for living in a still, and among smugglers, as she did, it was not +a trifle of stingo could bring her to a halt. Andy, even with the +advantage of the stronger organisation of a man, found this mountain +lass nearly a match for him, and before the potations operated as +he hoped upon her, his own senses began to feel the influence of the +liquor, and his caution became considerably undermined. + +Still, however, he resisted the repeated offers of the couch proposed to +him, declaring he would sleep in his clothes, and leave to Bridget the +full possession of her lair. + +The fire began to burn low, and Andy thought he might facilitate his +escape by counterfeiting sleep; so feigning slumber as well as he could, +he seemed to sink into insensibility, and Bridget unrobed herself and +retired behind a rough screen. + +It was by a great effort that Andy kept himself awake, for his +potations, added to his nocturnal excursion, tended towards somnolency; +but the desire of escape, and fear of a discovery and its consequences, +prevailed over the ordinary tendency of nature, and he remained awake, +watching every sound. The silence at last became painful--so still was +it, that he could hear the small crumbling sound of the dying embers +as they decomposed and shifted their position on the hearth, and yet he +could not be satisfied from the breathing of the woman that she slept. +After the lapse of half an hour, however, he ventured to make some +movement. He had well observed the quarter in which the outlet from the +cave lay, and there was still a faint glimmer from the fire to assist +him in crawling towards the trap. It was a relief when, after some +minutes of cautious creeping, he felt the fresh air breathing from +above, and a moment or two more brought him in contact with the ladder. +With the stealth of a cat he began to climb the rungs--he could hear the +men snoring on the outside of the cave: step by step as he arose he +felt his heart beat faster at the thought of escape, and became more +cautious. At length his head emerged from the cave, and he saw the men +lying about its mouth; they lay close around it--he must step over them +to escape--the chance is fearful, but he determines to attempt it--he +ascends still higher--his foot is on the last rung of the ladder--the +next step puts him on the heather--when he feels a hand lay hold of him +from below! + +His heart died within him at the touch, and he could not resist an +exclamation. + +"Who's that?" exclaimed one of the men outside. Andy crouched. + +"Come down," said the voice softly from below; "if Jack sees you, it +will be worse for you." + +It was the voice of Bridget, and Andy felt it was better to be with +her than exposed to the savagery of Shan More and his myrmidons; so he +descended quietly, and gave himself up to the tight hold of Bridget, +who, with many asseverations that "out of her arms she would not let the +prisoner go till morning," led him back to the cave. + + + + +CHAPTER XXXIX + + + "Great wit to madness nearly is allied, + And thin partitions do the bounds divide." + +So sings the poet; but whether the wit be great or little, the "thin +partition" separating madness from sanity is equally mysterious. It is +true that the excitability attendant upon genius approximates so closely +to madness, that it is sometimes difficult to distinguish between them; +but, without the attendant "genius" to hold up the train of madness, +and call for our special permission and respect in any of its fantastic +excursions, the most ordinary crack-brain sometimes chooses to sport in +the regions of sanity, and, without the license which genius is supposed +to dispense to her children, poach over the preserves of common sense. +This is a well-known fact, and would not be reiterated here, but that +the circumstances about to be recorded hereafter might seem unworthy +of belief; and as the veracity of our history we would not have for one +moment questioned, we have ventured to jog the memory of our readers as +to the close neighbourhood of madness and common sense, before we record +a curious instance of intermitting madness in the old dowager O'Grady. + +Her son's death had, by the violence of the shock, dragged her from the +region of fiction in which she habitually existed; but after the funeral +she relapsed into all her strange aberration, and her bird-clock and her +chimney-pot head-dress were once more in requisition. + +The old lady had her usual attendance from her granddaughter, and the +customary offering of flowers was rendered, but they were not so cared +for as before, and Charlotte was dismissed sooner than usual from her +morning's attendance, and a new favourite received in her place. And +"of all the birds in the air," who should this favourite be but Master +Ratty. Yes!--Ratty--the caricaturist of his grandmamma, was, "for the +nonce," her closeted companion. Many a guess was given as to "what in +the world" grandmamma _could_ want with Ratty; but the secret was kept +between them, for this reason, that the old lady kept _the reward she +promised_ Ratty for preserving it in her own hands, until the duty she +required on his part should be accomplished, and the shilling a day to +which Ratty looked forward kept him faithful. + +Now the duty Master Ratty had to perform was instructing his grandmamma +how to handle a pistol; the bringing up quick to the mark, and levelling +by "the sight," was explained; but a difficulty arose in the old lady's +shutting her left eye, which Ratty declared to be indispensable, and +for some time Ratty was obliged to stand on a chair and cover his +grandmamma's eye with his hand while she took aim; this was found +inconvenient, however, and the old lady substituted a black silk shade +to obfuscate her sinister luminary in her exercises, which now advanced +to snapping the lock, and knocking sparks from the flint, which made the +old lady wink with her right eye. When this second habit was overcome, +the "dry" practice, that is, without powder, was given up; and a +"flash in the pan" was ventured upon, but this made her shut both eyes +together, and it was some time before she could prevail on herself to +hold her eye fixed on her mark, and pull the trigger. This, however, at +last was accomplished, and when she had conquered the fear of seeing the +flash, she adopted the plan of standing before a handsome old-fashioned +looking-glass which reached from the ceiling to the floor, and levelling +the pistol at her own reflection within it, as if she were engaged in +mortal combat; and every time she snapped and burned priming she +would exclaim, "I hit him that time!--I know I can kill him--_tremble, +villain_!" + +As long as this pistol practice had the charm of novelty for Ratty, +it was all very well; but when, day by day, the strange mistakes and +nervousness of his grandmamma became less piquant from repetition, it +was not such good fun; and when the rantipole boy, after as much time +as he wished to devote to the old woman's caprice, endeavoured to +emancipate himself and was countermanded, an outburst of _"Oh, bother!"_ +would take place, till the grandmother called up the prospective +shillings to his view, and Ratty bowed before the altar of Mammon. But +even Mammon failed to keep Ratty loyal; for that heathen god, Momus, +claimed a superior allegiance; Ratty worshipped the "cap and bells" as +the true crown, and "the bauble" as the sovereign sceptre. Besides, the +secret became troublesome to him, and he determined to let the whole +house know what "gran" and he were about, in a way of his own. + +The young imp, in the next day's practice, worked up the grandmamma to a +state of great excitement, urging her to take a cool and determined aim +at the looking-glass. "Cover him well, gran," said Ratty. + +"I will," said the dowager, resolutely. + +"You ought to be able to hit him at six paces." + +"I stand at twelve paces." + +"No--you are only six from the looking-glass." + +"But the reflection, child, in the mirror, doubles the distance." + +"Bother!" said Ratty. "Here, take the pistol--mind your eye and don't +wink." + +"Ratty, you are singularly obtuse to the charms of science." + +"What's science?" said Ratty. + +"Science, child, is knowledge of a lofty and abstruse nature, developing +itself in wonderful inventions--gunpowder, for instance, is made by +science." + +"Indeed it is not," said Ratty; "I never saw his name on a canister. +Pigou, Andrew, and Wilks, or Mister Dartford Mills, are the men for +gunpowder. You know nothing about it, gran." + +"Ratty, you are disrespectful, and will not listen to instruction. I +knew Kirwan--the great Kirwan, the chemist, who always wore his hat--" + +"Then he knew chemistry better than manners." + +"Ratty, you are very troublesome. I desire you listen, sir. Kirwan, sir, +told me all about science, and the Dublin Society have his picture, with +a bottle in his hand--" + +"Then he was fond of drink," said Ratty. + +"Ratty, don't be pert. To come back to what I was originally saying--I +repeat, sir, I am at twelve paces from my object, six from the mirror, +which, doubled by reflection, makes twelve; such is the law of optics. I +suppose you know what optics are?" + +"To be sure I do." + +"Tell me, then." + +"Our eyes," said Ratty. + +"Eyes!" exclaimed the old lady, in amaze. + +"To be sure," answered Ratty, boldly. "Didn't I hear the old blind man +at the fair asking charity 'for the loss of his blessed optics'?" + +"Oh, what lamentable ignorance, my child!" exclaimed the old lady. "Your +tutor ought to be ashamed of himself." + +"So he is," said Ratty. "He hasn't had a pair of new breeches for the +last seven years, and he hides himself whenever he sees mamma or the +girls." + +"Oh, you ignorant child! Indeed, Ratty, my love, you must study. I will +give you the renowned Kirwan's book. Charlotte tore some of it for curl +papers; but there's enough left to enlighten you with the sun's rays, +and reflection and refraction--" + +"I know what _that_ is," said Ratty. + +"What?" + +"Refraction." + +"And what is it, dear?" + +"Bad behaviour," said Ratty. + +"Oh, Heavens!" exclaimed his grandmother. + +"Yes, it is," said Ratty, stoutly; "the tutor says I'm refractory when I +behave ill; and he knows Latin better than you." + +"Ratty, Ratty! you are hopeless!" exclaimed his grandmamma. + +"No, I am not," said Ratty. "I'm always _hoping_. And I hope Uncle +Robert will break his neck some day, and leave us his money." + +The old woman turned up her eyes, and exclaimed, "You wicked boy!" + +"Fudge!" said Ratty; "he's an old shaver, and we want it; and indeed, +gran, you ought to give me ten shillings for ten days' teaching, now; +and there's a fair next week, and I want to buy things." + +"Ratty, I told you when you made me perfect in the use of my weapon I +would pay you. My promise is sacred, and I will observe it with that +scrupulous honour which has ever been the characteristic of the family; +as soon as I hit something, and satisfy myself of my mastery over the +weapon, the money shall be yours, but not till then." + +"Oh, very well," said Ratty; "go on then. _Ready_--don't bring up your +arm that way, like the handle of a pump, but raise it nice from the +elbow--that's it. _Ready--fire!_ Ah! there you blink your eye, and drop +the point of your pistol--try another. _Ready--fire!_ That's better. Now +steady the next time." + +[Illustration: A Crack Shot] + +The young villain then put a charge of powder and ball into the pistol +he handed his grandmother, who took steady aim at her reflection in the +mirror, and at the words, _"Ready--fire!"_ bang went the pistol--the +magnificent glass was smashed--the unexpected recoil of the weapon made +it drop from the hand of the dowager, who screamed with astonishment at +the report and the shock, and did not see for a moment the mischief she +had done; but when the shattered mirror caught her eyes, she made a rush +at Ratty, who was screeching with laughter in the far corner of the room +where he ran to when he had achieved his trick, and he was so helpless +from the excess of his cachinnation, that the old lady cuffed him +without his being able to defend himself. At last he contrived to get +out of her clutches and jammed her against the wall with a table so +tightly, that she roared "Murder!" The report of the pistol ringing +through the house brought all its inmates to the spot; and there +the cries of murder from the old lady led them to suppose some awful +tragedy, instead of a comedy, was enacting inside; the door was locked, +too, which increased the alarm, and was forced in the moment of terror +from the outside. When the crowd rushed in, Master Ratty rushed out, and +left the astonished family to gather up the bits of the story, as well +as they could, from the broken looking-glass and the cracked dowager. + + + + +CHAPTER XL + + +Though it is clear the serious events in the O'Grady family had not +altered Master Ratty's propensities in the least, the case was far +different with Gustavus. In that one night of suffering which _he_ had +passed, the gulf was leaped that divides the boy from the man; and the +extra frivolity and carelessness which clung from boyhood up to the age +of fifteen was at once, by the sudden disrupture produced by events, +thrown off, and as singular a ripening into manhood commenced. + +Gustavus was of a generous nature; and even his faults belonged less +to his organisation than to the devil-may-care sort of education he +received, if education it might be called. Upon his generosity the +conduct of Edward O'Connor beside the grave of the boy's father had +worked strongly; and though Gustavus could not give his hand beside the +grave to the man with whom his father had engaged in deadly quarrel, yet +he quite exonerated Edward from any blame; and when, after a night more +sleepless than Gustavus had ever known, he rose early on the ensuing +morning, he determined to ride over to Edward O'Connor's house to +breakfast, and commence that friendship which Edward had so solemnly +promised to him, and with which the boy was pleased; for Gustavus was +quite aware in what estimation Edward was held; and though the relative +circumstances in which he and the late Squire stood prevented the boy +from "caring a fig" for him, as he often said himself, yet he was +not beyond the influence of that thing called "reputation," which so +powerfully attaches to and elevates the man who wins it; and the price +at which Edward was held in the country influenced opinion even in +Neck-or-Nothing Hall, albeit though "against the grain." Gustavus had +sometimes heard, from the lips of the idle and ignorant, Edward sneered +at for being "cruel wise," and "too much of a schoolmaster," and fit for +nothing but books or a boudoir, and called a "piano man," with all the +rest of the hackneyed dirt which jealous inferiority loves to fling at +the heights it cannot occupy; for though--as it has been said--Edward, +from his manly and sensible bearing, had escaped such sneers better than +most men, still some few there were to whom his merit was offensive. +Gustavus, however, though he sometimes heard such things, saw with his +own eyes that Edward could back a horse with any man in the country--was +always foremost in the chace--could bring down as many brace of birds as +most men in a day--had saved one or two persons from drowning; and if he +did all these things as well as other men, Gustavus (though hitherto too +idle to learn much himself) did not see why a man should be sneered +at for being an accomplished scholar as well. Therefore he had good +foundation for being pleased at the proffered friendship of such a man, +and remembering the poignancy of Edward's anguish on the foregoing eve, +Gustavus generously resolved to see him at once and offer him the +hand which a nice sense of feeling made him withhold the night before. +Mounting his pony, an hour's smart riding brought him to Mount Eskar, +for such was the name of Mr. O'Connor's residence. + +It was breakfast-time when Gustavus arrived, but Edward had not yet left +his room, and the servant went to call him. It need scarcely be said +that Edward had passed a wretched night; reaching home, as he did, weary +in mind and body, and with feelings and imagination both overwrought, it +was long before he could sleep; and even then his slumber was disturbed +by harassing visions and frightful images. Spectral shapes and things +unimaginable to the waking senses danced and crawled and hissed about +him. The torch flared above the grave, and that horrid coffin, with the +name of the dead O'Grady upon it, "murdered sleep." It was dawn before +anything like refreshing slumber touched his feverish eyelids, and he +had not enjoyed more than a couple of hours of what might be called +sleep, when the servant called him; and then, after the brief oblivion +he had obtained, one may fancy how he started when the first words he +heard on waking were, "Mister O'Grady is below, sir." + +Edward started up from his bed and stared wildly on the man, as he +exclaimed, with a look of alarm, "O'Grady! For God's sake, you don't say +O'Grady?" + +"'Tis Master Gustavus, sir," said the man, wondering at the wildness of +Edward's manner. + +"Oh, the boy!--ay, ay, the boy!" repeated Edward, drawing his hands +across his eyes and recovering his self-possession. "Say I will be down +presently." + +The man retired, and Edward lay down again for some minutes to calm the +heavy beating of his heart which the sudden mention of that name had +produced; that name so linked with the mental agony of the past night; +that name which had conjured up a waking horror of such might as to +shake the sway of reason for a time, and which afterwards pursued its +reign of terror through his sleep. After such a night, fancy poor Edward +doomed to hear the name of O'Grady again the first thing in the morning, +and we cannot wonder that he was startled. + +A few minutes, however, served to restore his self-possession; and he +arose, made his toilet in haste, and descended to the breakfast-parlour, +where he was met by Gustavus with an open hand, which Edward clasped +with fervour and held for some time as he looked on the handsome face +of the boy, and saw in its frank expression all that his heart could +desire. They spoke not a word, but they understood one another; and that +moment commenced an attachment which increased with increasing intimacy, +and became one of those steadfast friendships which are seldom met with. + +After breakfast Edward brought Gustavus to his "den," as he called a +room which was appropriated to his own particular use, occupied with +books and a small collection of national relics. Some long ranges of +that peculiar calf binding, with its red label, declared at once the +contents to be law and by the dry formal cut of the exterior gave little +invitation to reading. The very outside of a law library is repulsive; +the continuity of that eternal buff leather gives one a surfeit by +anticipation, and makes one mentally exclaim in despair, "Heavens! how +can any one hope to get all that into his head?" The only plain honest +thing about law is the outside of the books where it is laid down--there +all is simple; inside all is complex. The interlacing lines of the +binder's patterns find no place on the covers; but intricacies abound +inside, where any line is easier found than a straight one. Nor gold +leaf nor tool is employed without, but within how many fallacies are +enveloped in glozing words; the gold leaf has its representative in +"legal fiction;" and as for "_tooling_" there's plenty of that! + +Other books, also, bore external evidence of the nature of their +contents. Some old parchment covers indicated the lore of past ages; +amidst these the brightest names of Greece and Rome were to be found, +as well as those who have adorned our own literature, and implied +a cultivated taste on the part of the owner. But one portion of the +library was particularly well stored. The works bearing on Irish history +were numerous, and this might well account for the ardour of Edward's +feelings in the cause of his country; for it is as impossible that a +river should run backwards to its source, as that any Irishman of a +generous nature can become acquainted with the real history of his +country, and not feel that she has been an ill-used and neglected land, +and not struggle in the cause of her being righted. Much _has_ been done +in the cause since the days of which this story treats, and Edward was +amongst those who helped to achieve it; but much has still to be done, +and there is glorious work in store for present and future Edward +O'Connors. + +Along with the books which spoke the cause of Ireland, the mute +evidences, also, of her former glory and civilisation were scattered +through the room. Various ornaments of elegant form, and wrought in the +purest gold, were tastefully arranged over the mantel-piece; some, from +their form, indicating their use, and others only affording matter of +ingenious speculation to the antiquary, but all bearing evidence of +early civilisation. The frontlet of gold indicated noble estate, and +the long and tapering bodkin of the same metal, with its richly enchased +knob or pendent crescent, implied the robe it once fastened could have +been of no mean texture, and the wearer of no mean rank. Weapons were +there, too, of elegant form and exquisite workmanship, wrought in that +ancient bronze, of such wondrous temper that it carries effective edge +and point. The sword was of exact Phoenician mould; the double-eyed +spear-head, formed at once for strength and lightness, might have served +as the model for a sculptor in arming the hand of Minerva. Could these +be the work of an uncultivated people? Impossible! The harp, too, was +there, that unfailing mark of polish and social elegance. The bard and +barbarism could never be coeval. But a relic was there, exciting still +deeper interest--an ancient crosier, of curious workmanship, wrought +in the precious metals and partly studded with jewels; but few of the +latter remained, though the empty collets showed it had once been costly +in such ornaments. Could this be seen without remembering that the light +of Christianity first dawned over the western isles _in Ireland?_ that +_there_ the Gospel was first preached, _there_ the work of salvation +begun? + +There be cold hearts to which these touching recollections do not +pertain, and they heed them not; and some there are, who, with a +callousness which shocks sensibility, have the ignorant effrontery to +ask, "Of what use are such recollections?" With such frigid utilitarians +it would be vain to argue; but this question, at least, may be put in +return:--Why should the ancient glories of Greece and Rome form a large +portion of the academic studies of our youth?--why should the evidences +of _their_ arts and _their_ arms be held precious in museums, and +similar evidences of ancient cultivation be despised because they +pertain to another nation? Is it because they are Irish they are held +in contempt? Alas! in many cases it is so--ay, and even (shame to say) +within her own shores. But never may that day arrive when Ireland shall +be without enough of true and fond hearts to cherish the memory of +her ancient glories, to give to her future sons the evidences of her +earliest western civilisation, proving that their forefathers were not +(as those say who wronged and therefore would malign them) a rabble +of rude barbarians, but that brave kings, and proud princes, and wise +lawgivers, and just judges, and gallant chiefs, and chaste and lovely +women were among them, and that inspired bards were there to perpetuate +such memories! + +Gustavus had never before seen a crosier, and asked what it was. On +being informed of its name, he then said, "But what _is_ a crosier?" + +"A bishop's pastoral staff," said Edward. + +"And why have you a bishop's staff, and swords, and spears, hung up +together?" + +"That is not inappropriate," said Edward. "Unfortunately, the sword and +the crosier have been frequently but too intimate companions. Preaching +the word of peace has been too often the pretext for war. The Spaniards, +for instance, in the name of the gospel, committed the most fearful +atrocities." + +"Oh, I know," said Gustavus, "that was in the time of bloody Mary and +the Armada." + +Edward wondered at the boy's ignorance, and saw in an instant the source +of his false application of his allusion to the Spaniards. Gustavus had +been taught to vaguely couple the name of "bloody Mary" with everything +bad, and that of "good Queen Bess" with all that was glorious; and the +word "Spanish," in poor Gusty's head, had been hitherto connected with +two ideas, namely, "liquorice" and the "Armada." + +Edward, without wounding the sensitive shame of ignorant youth, gently +set him right, and made him aware he had alluded to the conduct of the +Spaniards in America under Cortes and Pizarro. + +For the first time in his life Gustavus was aware that Pizarro was a +real character. He had heard his grandmamma speak of a play of that +name, and how great Mr. Kemble was in Rollo, and how he saved a child; +but as to its belonging to history, it was a new light--the utmost Gusty +knew about America being that it was discovered by Columbus. + +"But the crosier," said Edward, "is amongst the most interesting of +Irish antiquities, and especially belongs to an Irish collection, when +you remember the earliest preaching of Christianity in the western isles +was in Ireland." + +"I did only know that," said the boy. + +"Then you don't know why the shamrock is our national emblem?" + +"No," said Gustavus, "though I take care to mount one in my hat every +Patrick's day." + +"Well," said Edward, anxious to give Gustavus credit for _any_ knowledge +he possessed, "you know at least it is connected with the memory of St. +Patrick, though you don't know why. I will tell you. When St. Patrick +first preached the Christian faith in Ireland, before a powerful chief +and his people, when he spoke of one God, and of the Trinity, the chief +asked how one could be in three. St. Patrick, instead of attempting a +theological definition of the faith, thought a simple image would best +serve to enlighten a simple people, and stooping to the earth he plucked +from the green sod a shamrock, and holding up the trefoil before them +he bade them there behold one in three. The chief, struck by the +illustration, asked at once to be baptised, and all his sept followed +his example." + +"I never heard that before," said Gusty. "'T is very beautiful." + +"I will tell you something else connected with it," said Edward. + +"After baptising the chief, St. Patrick made an eloquent exhortation +to the assembled multitude, and in the course of his address, while +enforcing his urgent appeal with appropriate gesture, as the hand which +held his crosier, after being raised towards heaven, descended again +towards the earth, the point of his staff, armed with metal, was +driven through the foot of the chief, who, fancying it was part of the +ceremony, and but a necessary testing of the firmness of his faith, +never winced." + +"He was a fine fellow," said Gusty. "And is that the crosier?" he added, +alluding to the one in Edward's collection, and manifestly excited by +what he had heard. + +"No," said Edward, "but one of early date, and belonging to some of the +first preachers of the gospel amongst us." + +"And have you other things here with such beautiful stories belonging to +them?" inquired Gusty, eager for more of that romantic lore which youth +loves so passionately. + +"Not that I know of," answered Edward "but if these objects here had +only tongues, if every sword, and belt, and spear-head, and golden +bodkin, and other trinket could speak, no doubt we should hear stirring +stories of gallant warriors and their ladye-loves." + +"Aye, that would be something to hear!" exclaimed Gusty. + +"Well," said Edward, "you may have many _such_ stories by reading the +history of your country; which if you have not read, I can lend you +books enough." + +"Oh, thank you," said Gusty; "I should like it so much." + +Edward approached the book-shelf and selected a volume he thought the +most likely to interest so little practised a reader; and when he turned +round he saw Gusty poising in his hand an antique Irish sword of bronze. + +"Do you know what that is?" inquired Edward. + +"I can't tell you the name of it," answered Gusty, "but I suppose it was +_something to stick a fellow_." + +Edward smiled at the characteristic reply, and told him it was an +antique Irish sword. + +"A sword?" he exclaimed. "Isn't it short for a sword?" + +"All the swords of that day were short." + +"When was that?" inquired the boy. + +"Somewhere about two thousand years ago." + +"Two thousand years," exclaimed Gusty, in surprise. "How is it possible +you can tell this is two thousand years old?" + +"Because it is made of the same metal and of the same shape as the +swords found at Cannae, where the Carthaginians fought the Romans." + +"I know the Roman history," said Gusty, eager to display his little bit +of knowledge; "I know the Roman history. Romulus and Remus were educated +by a wolf." Edward could not resist a smile, which he soon suppressed, +and continued:--"Such works as you now hold in your hand are found _in +quantities_ in Ireland, and seldom anywhere else in Europe, except in +Italy, particularly at Cannae, where some thousands of Carthaginians +fell; and when we find the sword of the same make and metal in places +so remote, it establishes a strong connecting link between the people of +Carthage and of Ireland, and at once shows their date." + +"How curious that is!" exclaimed Gusty; "and how odd I never heard it +before! Are there many such curious things you know?" + +"Many," said Edward. + +"I wonder how people can find out such odd things," said the boy. + +"My dear boy," said Edward, "after getting a certain amount of +knowledge, other knowledge comes very fast; it gathers like a +snowball--or perhaps it would be better to illustrate the fact by a +milldam. You know, when the water is low in the milldam, the miller +cannot drive his wheel; but the moment the water comes up to a certain +level it has force to work the mill. And so it is with knowledge; when +once you get it up to a certain level, you can 'work your mill,' with +this great advantage over the milldam, that the stream of knowledge, +once reaching the working level, never runs dry." + +"Oh, I wish I knew as much as you do," exclaimed Gusty. + +"And so you can if you wish it," said Edward. + +Gusty sighed heavily, and admitted he had been very idle. Edward told +him he had plenty of time before him to repair the damage. + +A conversation then ensued, perfectly frank on the part of the boy, +and kind on Edward's side to all his deficiencies, which he found to +be lamentable, as far as learning went. He had some small smattering of +Latin; but Gustavus vowed steady attention to his tutor and his studies +for the future. Edward, knowing what a miserable scholar the tutor +himself was, offered to put Gustavus through his Latin and Greek +himself. Gustavus accepted the offer with gratitude, and rode over +every day to Mount Eskar for his lesson; and, under the intelligent +explanations of Edward, the difficulties which had hitherto discouraged +him disappeared, and it was surprising what progress he made. At the +same time he devoured Irish history, and became rapidly tinctured with +that enthusiastic love of all that belonged to his country which he +found in his teacher; and Edward soon hailed, in the ardent neophyte, +a noble and intelligent spirit redeemed from ignorance and rendered +capable of higher enjoyments than those to be derived merely from +field sports. Edward, however, did not confine his instructions to +book-learning only; there is much to be learned by living with the +educated, whose current conversation alone is instructive; and Edward +had Gustavus with him as constantly as he could; and after some time, +when the frequency of Gusty's visits to Mount Eskar ceased to excite any +wonder at home, he sometimes spent several days together with Edward, to +whom he became continually more and more attached. Edward showed great +judgment in making his training attractive to his pupil: he did not +attend merely to his head; he thought of other things as well; joined +him in the sports and exercises he knew, and taught him those in which +he was uninstructed. Fencing, for instance, was one of these; Edward was +a tolerable master of his foil, and in a few months Gustavus, under his +tuition, could parry a thrust and make no bad attempt at a hit himself. +His improvement in every way was so remarkable, that it was noticed by +all, and its cause did not long remain secret; and when it _was_ known, +Edward O'Connor's character stood higher than ever, and the whole +country said it was a lucky day for Gusty O'Grady that he found such +a friend. As the limits of our story would not permit the intercourse +between Edward and Gustavus to be treated in detail, this general sketch +of it has been given; and in stating its consequences so far, a peep +into the future has been granted by the author, with a benevolence +seldom belonging to his ill-natured and crafty tribe, who endeavour to +hoodwink their docile followers as much as possible, and keep them in +a state of ignorance as to coming events. But now, having been so +indulgent, we must beg to lay hold of the skirts of our readers and pull +them back again down the ladder into the private still, where Bridget +pulled back Andy very much after the same fashion, and the results of +which we must treat of in our next chapter. + + + + +CHAPTER XLI + + +When Bridget dragged Andy back and insisted on his going to bed-- + +No--I will not be too good natured and tell my story in that way; +besides, it would be a very difficult matter to tell it; and why should +an author, merely to oblige people, get himself involved in a labyrinth +of difficulties, and rack his unfortunate brain to pick and choose words +properly to tell his story, yet at the same time to lead his readers +through the mazes of this very ticklish adventure, without a single +thorn scratching their delicate feelings, or as much as making the +smallest rent in the white muslin robe of propriety? So, not to run +unnecessary risks, the story must go on another way. + +When Shan More and the rest of the "big blackguards" began to wake, the +morning after the abduction, and gave a turn or two under their heather +coverlid, and rubbed their eyes as the sun peeped through the "curtains +of the east"--for these were the only bed-curtains Shan More and his +companions ever had--they stretched themselves and yawned, and felt +very thirsty, for they had all been blind drunk the night before, be it +remembered; and Shan More, to use his own expressive and poetic +imagery, swore that his tongue was "as rough as a rat's back," while +his companions went no further than saying theirs were as "dry as a +lime-burner's wig." We should not be so particular in those minute +details but for that desire of truth which has guided us all through +this veracious history and as in this scene, in particular, we feel +ourselves sure to be held seriously responsible for every word, we are +determined to be accurate to a nicety, and set down every syllable with +stenographic strictness. + +"Where's the girl?" cried Shan, not yet sober. + +"She's asleep with your sisther," was the answer. + +"Down-stairs?" inquired Shan. + +"Yes," said the other, who now knew that Big Jack was more drunk than he +at first thought him, by his using the words _stairs_; for Jack when he +was drunk was very grand, and called _down the ladder_ "down-_stairs_." + +"Get me a drink o' wather," said Jack, "for I'm thundherin' thirsty, and +can't deludher that girl with soft words till I wet my mouth." + +His attendant vagabond obeyed the order, and a large pitcher full of +water was handed to the master, who heaved it upwards to his head and +drank as audibly and nearly as much as a horse. Then holding his hands +to receive the remaining contents of the pitcher, which his followers +poured into his monstrous palms, he soused his face, which he afterwards +wiped in a wisp of grass--the only towel of Jack's which was not then at +the wash. + +Having thus made his toilet, Big Jack went downstairs, and as soon as +his great bull-head had disappeared beneath the trap, one of the men +above said, "We'll have a _shilloe_ soon, boys." + +And sure enough they did before long hear an extraordinary row. Jack +first roared for Bridget, and no answer was returned; the call was +repeated with as little effect, and at last a most tremendous roar was +heard above, but not from a female voice. Jack was heard below, swearing +like a trooper, and, in a minute or two, back he rushed "_up-stairs_" +and began cursing his myrmidons most awfully, and foaming at the mouth +with rage. + +"What's the matther?" cried the men. + +"Matther!" roared Jack; "oh, you 'tarnal villains! You're a purty set to +carry off a girl for a man--a purty job you've made of it!" + +"Arrah, didn't we bring her to you?" + +"_Her_, indeed--bring _her_--much good what you brought is to me!" + +"Tare an' ouns! what's the matther at all? We dunna what you mane!" +shouted the men, returning rage for rage. + +"Come down, and you'll see what's the matther," said Jack, descending +the ladder; and the men hastened after him. + +He led the way to the further end of the cabin, where a small glimmering +of light was permitted to enter from the top, and lifting a tattered +piece of canvas, which served as a screen to the bed, he exclaimed, with +a curse, "Look there, you blackguards!" + +The men gave a shout of surprise, for--what do you think they saw?--An +empty bed! + + + + +CHAPTER XLII + + +It may be remembered that, on Father Phil's recommendation, Andy was +to be removed out of the country to place him beyond the reach of Larry +Hogan's machinations, and that the proposed journey to London afforded a +good opportunity of taking him out of the way. Andy had been desired +by Squire Egan to repair to Merryvale; but as some days had elapsed and +Andy had not made his appearance, the alarms of the Squire that Andy +might be tampered with began to revive, and Dick Dawson was therefore +requested to call at the Widow Rooney's cabin as he was returning from +the town, where some business with Murphy, about the petition against +Scatterbrain's return, demanded his presence. + +Dick, as it happened, had no need to call at the widow's, for on his way +to the town who should he see approaching but the renowned Andy himself. +On coming up to him, Dick pulled up his horse, and Andy pulled off his +hat. + +"God save your honour," said Andy. + +"Why didn't you come to Merryvale, as you were bid?" said Dick. + +"I couldn't, sir, becase--" + +"Hold your tongue, you thief; you know you never can do what you're +bid--you are always wrong one way or other." + +"You're hard on me, Misther Dick." + +"Did you ever do anything right?--I ask yourself?" + +"Indeed, sir, this time it was a rale bit o' business I had to do." + +"And well you did it, no doubt. Did you marry any one lately?" said +Dick, with a waggish grin and a wink. + +"Faix, then, maybe I did," said Andy, with a knowing nod. + +"And I hope _Matty_ is well?" said Dick. + +"Ah, Misther Dick, you're always goin' on with your jokin', so you are. +So, you heerd o' that job, did you? Faix, a purty lady she is--oh, it's +not her at all I am married to, but another woman." + +"Another woman!" exclaimed Dick, in surprise. + +"Yis, sir, another woman--a kind craythur." + +"Another woman!" reiterated Dick, laughing; "married to two women in two +days! Why you're worse than a Turk!" + +"Ah, Misther Dick!" + +"You Tarquin!" + +"Sure, sir, what harm's in it?"' + +"You Heliogabalus!!" + +"Sure, it's no fault o' mine, sir." + +"Bigamy, by this and that, flat bigamy! You'll only be hanged, as sure +as your name's Andy." + +"Sure, let me tell you how it was, sir, and you'll see I am quit of all +harm, good or bad. 'T was a pack o' blackguards, you see, come to take +off Oonah, sir." + +"Oh, a case of abduction!" + +"Yis, sir; so the women dhressed me up as a girl, and the blackguards, +instead of the seduction of Oonah, only seduced me." + +"Capital!" cried Dick; "well done, Andy! And who seduced you?" + +"Shan _More_, 'faith--no less." + +"Ho, ho! a dangerous customer to play tricks on, Andy." + +"Sure enough, 'faith, and that's partly the rayson of what happened; +but, by good luck, Big Jack was blind dhrunk when I got there, and I +shammed screechin' so well that his sisther took pity on me, and said +she'd keep me safe from harm in her own bed that night." + +Dick gave a "view hallo" when he heard this, and shouted with laughter, +delighted at the thought of Shan More, instead of carrying off a girl +for himself, introducing a gallant to his own sister. + +"Oh, now I see how you are married," said Dick; "that was the biter bit +indeed." + +"Oh, the divil a bit I'd ha' bit her only for the cross luck with +me, for I wanted to schame off out o' the place, and escape; but she +wouldn't let me, and cotch me and brought me back." + +"I should think she would, indeed," said Dick, laughing. "What next?" + +"Why I drank a power o' punch, sir, and was off my guard, you see, and +couldn't keep the saycret so well afther that, and by dad she found it +out." + +"Just what I would expect of her," said Dick. + +"Well, do you know, sir, though the thrick was agen her own brother, +she laughed at it a power, and said I was a great divil, but that she +couldn't blame me. So then I'd sthruv to coax her to let me make my +escape, but she told me to wait a bit till the men above was faster +asleep; but while I was waitin' for them to go to sleep, faix, I went to +asleep myself, I was so tired; and when Bridget, the crathur, 'woke me +in the morning, she was cryin' like a spout afther a thunder-storm, and +said her characther would be ruined when the story got abroad over the +counthry, and sure she darn't face the world if I wouldn't make her an +honest woman." + +"The brazen baggage!" said Dick; "and what did you say?" + +"Why what could any man say, sir, afther that? Sure her karacther would +be gone if--" + +"Gone," said Dick, "'faith it might have gone further before it fared +worse." + +"Arrah! what do you mane, Misther Dick?" + +"Pooh, pooh! Andy--you don't mean to say you married that one?" + +"Faix, I did," said Andy. + +"Well, Andy," said Dick, grinning, "by the powers, you _have_ done it +this time! Good morning to you!" and Dick put spurs to his horse. + + + + +CHAPTER XLIII + + +Andy, "knocked all of a heap," stood in the middle of the road, looking +after Dick as he cantered down the slope. It was seldom poor Andy was +angry--but he felt a strong sense of indignation choking him as Dick's +parting words still rung in his ears. "What does he mane?" said Andy, +talking aloud; "what does he mane?" he repeated, anxious to doubt and +therefore question the obvious construction which Dick's words bore. +"Misther Dick is fond of a joke, and maybe this is one of his making; +but if it is, 't is not a fair one, 'pon my sowl: a poor man has his +feelin's as well as a rich man. How would you like your own wife to +be spoke of that way, Misther Dick, as proud as you ride your horse +there--humph?" + +Andy, in great indignation, pursued his way towards his mother's cabin +to ask her blessing upon his marriage. On his presenting himself there, +both the old woman and Oonah were in great delight at witnessing his +safe return; Oonah particularly, for she, feeling that it was for her +sake Andy placed himself in danger, had been in a state of great anxiety +for the result of the adventure, and, on seeing him, absolutely threw +herself into his arms, and embraced him tenderly, impressing many a +hearty kiss upon his lips, between whiles that she vowed she would never +forget his generosity and courage, and ending with saying there was +_nothing_ she would not do for him. + +Now Andy was flesh and blood like other people, and as the showers of +kisses from Oonah's ripe lips fell fast upon him he was not insensible +to the embrace of so very pretty a girl--a girl, moreover, he had always +had a "sneaking kindness" for, which Oonah's distance of manner alone +had hitherto made him keep to himself; but now, when he saw her eyes +beam gratitude, and her cheek flush, after her strong demonstration of +regard, and heard her last words, so _very_ like a hint to a shy man, +it must be owned a sudden pang shot through poor Andy's heart, and he +sickened at the thought of being married, which placed the tempting +prize before him hopelessly beyond his reach. + +He looked so blank, and seemed so unable to return Oonah's fond +greeting, that she felt the pique which every pretty woman experiences +who fancies her favours disregarded, and thought Andy the stupidest lout +she ever came across. Turning up her hair, which had fallen down in the +excess of her friendship, she walked out of the cottage, and, biting her +disdainful lip, fairly cried for spite. + +In the meantime, Andy popped down on his knees before the widow, and +said, "Give me your blessing, mother!" + +"For what, you omadhawn?" said his mother, fiercely; for her woman's +nature took part with Oonah's feelings, which she quite comprehended, +and she was vexed with what she thought Andy's disgusting insensibility. +"For what should I give you my blessing?" + +"Bekase I'm marri'd, ma'am." + +"What!" exclaimed the mother. "It's not marri'd again you are? You're +jokin' sure." + +"Faix, it's no joke," said Andy, sadly, "I'm marri'd sure enough; so +give us your blessin', anyhow," cried he, still kneeling. + +"And who did you _dar'_ for to marry, sir, if I make so bowld to ax, +without _my_ lave or license?" + +"There was no time for axin', mother--'t was done in a hurry, and I +can't help it, so give us your blessing at once." + +"Tell me who is she, before I give you my blessin'?" + +"_Shan More's_ sister, ma'am." + +"What!" exclaimed the widow, staggering back some paces--"Shan More's +sisther, did you say--Bridget _rhua_ [Footnote: Red-haired Bridget.] is +it?" + +"Yis, ma'am." + +"Oh, wirrasthru!--plillelew!--millia murther!" shouted the mother, +tearing her cap off her head,--"Oh blessed Vargin, holy St. Dominick, +Pether an' Paul the 'possel, what'll I do?--Oh, patther an' ave--you +dirty _bosthoon_--blessed angels and holy marthyrs!--kneelin' there in +the middle o' the flure as if nothing happened--look down on me this +day, a poor vartuous _dissolute_ woman!--Oh, you disgrace to me and all +belonging to you,--and is it the impidence to ask my blessin' you have, +when it's a whippin' at the cart's tail you ought to get, you shameless +scapegrace?" + +She then went wringing her hands, and throwing them upwards in appeals +to Heaven, while Andy still kept kneeling in the middle of the cabin, +lost in wonder. + +The widow ran to the door and called Oonah in. + +"Who do you think that blackguard is marri'd to?" said the widow. + +"Married!" exclaimed Oonah, growing pale. + +"Ay, marri'd, and who to, do you think?--Why to Bridget _rhua_." + +Oonah screamed and clasped her hands. + +Andy got up at last, and asked what they were making such a rout about; +he wasn't the first man who married without asking his mother's leave; +and wanted to know what they had to "say agen it." + +"Oh, you barefaced scandal o' the world!" cried the widow, "to ax sitch +a question--to marry a thrampin' sthreel like that--a great red-headed +jack--" + +"She can't help her hair," said Andy. + +"I wish I could cut it off, and her head along with it, the sthrap! Oh, +blessed Vargin! to have my daughter-in-law--" + +"What?" said Andy, getting rather alarmed. + +"That all the country knows is--" + +"What?" cried Andy. + +"Not a fair nor a market-town doesn't know her as well as--Oh, wirra! +wirra!" + +"Why you don't mane to say anything agen her charackther, do you?" said +Andy. + +"Charakther, indeed!" said his mother, with a sneer. + +"By this an' that," said Andy, "if she was the child unborn she couldn't +make a greater hullabaloo about her charakther than she did the mornin' +afther." + +"Afther what?" said his mother. + +"Afther I was tuk away up to the hill beyant, and found her there, +and--but I b'lieve I didn't tell you how it happened." + +"No," said Oonah, coming forward, deadly pale, and listening anxiously, +with a look of deep pity in her soft eyes. + +Andy then related his adventure as the reader already knows it; and +when it was ended, Oonah burst into tears and in passionate exclamations +blamed herself for all that had happened, saying it was in the endeavour +to save her that Andy had lost himself. + +"Oh, Oonah! Oonah!" said Andy, with more meaning in his voice than the +girl had ever heard before, "it isn't the loss of myself I mind, but +I've lost _you_ too. Oh, if you had ever given me a tendher word or look +before this day, 't would never have happened, and that desaiver in the +hills never could have _deludhered me_. And tell me, _lanna machree_, is +my suspicions right in what I hear--tell me the worst at oncet--is she +_non compos_?" + +"Oh, I never heerd her called by that name before," sobbed Oonah, "but +she has a great many others just as bad." + +"Ow! ow! ow!" exclaimed Andy. "Now I know what Misther Dick laughed at; +well, death before dishonour--I'll go 'list for a sojer, and never live +with her!" + + + + +CHAPTER XLIV + + +It has been necessary in an earlier chapter to notice the strange freaks +madness will sometimes play. It was then the object to show how strong +affections of the mind will recall an erring judgment to its true +balance; but, the action of the counterpoise growing weaker by time, +the disease returns, and reason again kicks the beam. Such was the old +dowager's case: the death of her son recalled her to herself; but a few +days produced relapse, and she was as foolish as ever. Nevertheless, as +Polonius remarks of Hamlet, + + "There is method in his madness;" + +so in the dowager's case there was method--not of a sane intention, +as the old courtier implies of the Danish Prince, but of _in_sane +birth--begot of a chivalrous feeling on an enfeebled mind. + +To make this clearly understood it is necessary to call attention to +one other peculiarity of madness,--that, while it makes those under +its influence liable to say and enact all sorts of nonsense on some +subjects, it never impairs their powers of observation on those which +chance to come within the reach of the un-diseased portion of the mind; +and moreover, they are quite as capable of arriving at just conclusions +upon what they _so_ see and hear, as the most reasonable person, and, +perhaps, in proportion as the reasoning power is limited within a +smaller compass, so the capability of observation becomes stronger by +being concentrated. + +Such was the case with the old dowager, who, while Furlong was "doing +devotion" to Augusta, and appeared the pink of faithful swains, saw very +clearly that Furlong did not like it a bit, and would gladly be off his +bargain. Yea, while the people in their sober senses on the same plane +with the parties were taken in, the old lunatic, even from the toppling +height of her own mad chimney-pot, could look down and see that Furlong +would not marry Augusta if he could help it. + +It _was_ even so. Furlong had acted under the influence of terror when +poor Augusta, shoved into his bedroom through the devilment of that +rascally imp, Ratty, and found there, through the evil destiny of Andy, +was flung into his arms by her enraged father, and accepted as his wife. +The immediate hurry of the election had delayed the marriage--the +duel and its consequences further interrupted "the happy event"--and +O'Grady's death caused a further postponement. It was delicately hinted +to Furlong, that when matters had gone so far as to the wedding-dresses +being ready, that the sooner the contracting parties under such +circumstances were married, the better. But Furlong, with that +affectation of propriety which belongs to his time-serving +tribe, pleaded the "regard to appearances"--"so soon after the +ever-to-be-deplored event,"--and other such specious excuses, which +were but covers to his own rascality, and used but to postpone the +"wedding-day." The truth was, the moment Furlong had no longer the +terrors of O'Grady's pistol before his eyes, he had resolved never to +take so bad a match as that with Augusta appeared to be--indeed was, as +far as regarded money; though Furlong should only have been too glad +to be permitted to mix his plebeian blood with the daughter of a man +of high family, whose crippled circumstances and consequent truckling +conduct had reduced him to the wretched necessity of making _such a cur_ +as Furlong the inmate of his house. But so it was. + +The family began at last to suspect the real state of the case, and all +were surprised except the old dowager; she had expected what was coming, +and had prepared herself for it. All her pistol practice was with a view +to call Furlong to the "last arbitrament" for this slight to her house. +Gusty was too young, she considered, for the duty; therefore she, in +her fantastic way of looking at the matter, looked upon _herself_ as the +head of the family, and, as such, determined to resent the affront put +upon it. + +But of her real design the family at Neck-or-Nothing Hall had not the +remotest notion. Of course, an old lady going about with a pistol, +powder-flask, and bullets, and practising on the trunks of the trees in +the park, could not pass without observation, and surmises there were +on the subject; then her occasional exclamation of "Tremble, villain!" +would escape her; and sometimes in the family circle, after sitting for +a while in a state of abstraction, she would lift her attenuated hand +armed with a knitting-needle or a ball of worsted, and assuming the +action of poising a pistol, execute a smart _click_ with her tongue, and +say, "I hit him that time." + +These exclamations, indicative of vengeance, were supposed at length +by the family to apply to Edward O'Connor, but excited pity rather than +alarm. When, however, one morning, the dowager was nowhere to be +found, and Ratty and the pistols had also disappeared, an inquiry was +instituted as to the old lady's whereabouts, and Mount Eskar was one +of the first places where she was sought, but without success; and all +other inquiries were equally unavailing. + +The old lady had contrived, with that cunning peculiar to insane people, +to get away from the house at an early hour in the morning, unknown to +all except Ratty, to whom she confided her intention, and he managed to +get her out of the domain unobserved, and thence together they proceeded +to Dublin in a post-chaise. It was the day after this secret expedition +was undertaken that Mr. Furlong was sitting in his private apartment +at the Castle, doing "the state some service" by reading the morning +papers, which heavy official duty he relieved occasionally by turning +to some scented notes which lay near a morocco writing-case, whence they +had been drawn by the lisping dandy to flatter his vanity. He had been +carrying on a correspondence with an anonymous fair one, in whose heart, +if her words might be believed, Furlong had made desperate havoc. + +It happened, however, that these notes were all fictitious, being the +work of Tom Loftus, who enjoyed playing on a puppy as much as playing on +the organ; and he had the satisfaction of seeing Furlong going through +his paces in certain squares he had appointed, wearing a flower of Tom's +choice and going through other antics which Tom had demanded under +the signature of "Phillis," written in a delicate hand on pink satin +note-paper with a lace border; one of the last notes suggested the +possibility of a visit from the lady, and, after assurances of "secrecy +and honour" had been returned by Furlong, he was anxiously expecting +"what would become of it;" and filled with pleasing reflections of what +"a devil of a fellow" he was among the ladies, he occasionally paced +the room before a handsome dressing-glass (with which his apartment +was always furnished), and ran his fingers through his curls with a +complacent smile. While thus occupied, and in such a frame of mind, the +hall messenger entered the apartment, and said a lady wished to see him. + +"A lady!" exclaimed Furlong, in delighted surprise. + +"She won't give her name, sir, but--" + +"Show her up! show her up!" exclaimed the Lothario, eagerly. + +All anxiety, he awaited the appearance of his donna; and quite a donna +she seemed, as a commanding figure, dressed in black, and enveloped in a +rich veil of the same, glided into the room. + +"How vewy Spanish!" exclaimed Furlong, as he advanced to meet his +incognita, who, as soon as she entered, locked the door, and withdrew +the key. + +"Quite pwactised in such secwet affairs," said Furlong slily. "Fai' +lady, allow me to touch you' fai' hand, and lead you to a seat." + +The mysterious stranger made no answer; but lifting her long veil, +turned round on the lisping dandy, who staggered back, when the dowager +O'Grady appeared before him, drawn up to her full height, and anything +but an agreeable expression in her eye. She stalked up towards him, +something in the style of a spectre in a romance, which she was not +very unlike; and as she advanced, he retreated, until he got the table +between him and this most unwelcome apparition. + +"I am come," said the dowager, with an ominous tone of voice. + +"Vewy happy of the hono', I am sure, Mistwess O'Gwady," faltered +Furlong. + +"The avenger has come." Furlong opened his eyes. "I have come to wash +the stain!" said she, tapping her fingers in a theatrical manner on the +table, and, as it happened, she pointed to a large blotch of ink on the +table-cover. Furlong opened his eyes wider than ever, and thought this +the queerest bit of madness he ever heard of; however, thinking it best +to humour her, he answered, "Yes, it was a little awkwa'dness of mine--I +upset the inkstand the othe' day." + +"Do you mock me, sir?" said she, with increasing bitterness. + +"La, no! Mistwess O'Gwady." + +"I have come, I say, to wash out in your blood the stain you have dared +to put on the name of O'Grady." + +Furlong gasped with mingled amazement and fear. + +"Tremble, villain!" she said; and she pointed toward him her long +attenuated finger with portentous solemnity. + +[Illustration: The Challenge] + +"I weally am quite at a loss, Mistwess O'Gwady, to compwehend--" + +Before he could finish his sentence, the dowager had drawn from the +depths of her side-pockets a brace of pistols, and presenting them to +Furlong, said, "Be at a loss no longer, except the loss of life which +may ensue: take your choice of weapons, sir." + +"Gwacious Heaven!" exclaimed Furlong, trembling from head to foot. + +"You won't choose, then?" said the dowager. "Well, there's one for you;" +and she laid a pistol before him with as courteous a manner as if she +were making him a birthday present. + +Furlong stared down upon it with a look of horror. + +"Now we must toss for choice of ground," said the dowager. "I have no +money about me, for I paid my last half-crown to the post-boy, but this +will do as well for a toss as anything else;" and she laid her hands +on the dressing-glass as she spoke. "Now the call shall be 'safe,' or +'smash;' whoever calls 'safe,' if the glass comes down unbroken, has the +choice, and _vice versa_. I call first--'_Smash_,'" said the dowager, as +she flung up the dressing-glass, which fell in shivers on the floor. "I +have won," said she; "oblige me, sir, by standing in that far corner. +I have the light in my back--and you will have something else in yours +before long; take your ground, sir." + +Furlong, finding himself thus cooped up with a mad woman, in an agony of +terror suddenly bethought himself of instances he had heard of escape, +under similar circumstances, by coinciding to a certain extent with the +views of the insane people, and suggested to the dowager that he hoped +she would not insist on a duel without their having a "friend" present. + +"I beg your pardon, sir," said the old lady: "I quite forgot that +form, in the excitement of the moment, though I have not overlooked the +necessity altogether, and have come provided with one." + +"Allow me to wing for him," said Furlong, rushing to the bell. + +"Stop!" exclaimed the dowager, levelling her pistol at the bell-pull; +"touch it, and you are a dead man!" + +Furlong stood riveted to the spot where his rush had been arrested. + +"No interruption, sir, till this little affair is settled. Here is my +friend," she added, putting her hand into her pocket and pulling out the +wooden cuckoo of her clock. "My little bird, sir, will see fair between +us;" and she perched the painted wooden thing, with a bit of feather +grotesquely sticking up out of its nether end, on the morocco +letter-case. + +"Oh, Lord!" said Furlong. + +"He's a gentleman of the nicest honour, sir!" said the dowager, pacing +back to the window. + +Furlong took advantage of the opportunity of her back being turned, and +rushed at the bell, which he pulled with great fury. + +The dowager wheeled round with haste. "So you have rung," said she, +"but it shall not avail you--the door is locked; take your weapon, +sir,--quick!--what!--a coward!" + +"Weally, Mistwess O'Gwady, I cannot think of deadly arbitrament with a +lady." + +"Less would you like it with a man, _poltroon_!" said she, with an +exaggerated expression of contempt in her manner. "However," she added, +"if you _are_ a coward, you shall have a coward's punishment." She went +to a corner where stood a great variety of handsome canes, and laying +hold of one, began soundly to thrash Furlong, who feared to make any +resistance or attempt to disarm her of the cane, for the pistol was yet +in her other hand. + +The bell was answered by the servant, who, on finding the door locked, +and hearing the row inside, began to knock and inquire loudly what was +the matter. The question was more loudly answered by Furlong, who roared +out, "Bweak the door! bweak the door!" interlarding his directions with +cries of "mu'der!" + +The door at length was forced, Furlong rescued, and the old lady +separated from him. She became perfectly calm the moment other persons +appeared, and was replacing the pistols in her pocket, when Furlong +requested the "dweadful weapons" might be seized. The old lady gave up +the pistols very quietly, but laid hold of her bird and put it back into +her pocket. + +"This is a dweadful violation!" said Furlong, "and my life is not safe +unless she is bound ove' to keep the peace." + +"Pooh! pooh!" said one of the gentlemen from the adjacent office, who +came to the scene on hearing the uproar, "binding over an old lady to +keep the peace--nonsense!" + +"I insist upon it," said Furlong, with that stubbornness for which fools +are so remarkable. + +"Oh--very well!" said the sensible gentleman, who left the room. + +A party, pursuant to Furlong's determination, proceeded to the head +police-office close by the Castle, and a large mob gathered as they went +down Cork-hill and followed them to Exchange-court, where they crowded +before them in front of the office, so that it was with difficulty the +principals could make their way through the dense mass. + +At length, however, they entered the office; and when Major Sir heard +any gentleman attached to the Government wanted his assistance, of +course he put any other case aside, and had the accuser and accused +called up before him. + +Furlong made his charge of assault and battery, with intent to murder, +&c., &c. "Some mad old rebel, I suppose," said Major Sir. "Do you +remember '98, ma'am?" said the major. + +"Indeed I do, sir--and I remember _you_ too: Major Sir I have the honour +to address, if I don't mistake." + +"Yes, ma'am. What then?" + +"I remember well in '98 when you were searching for rebels, you thought +a man was concealed in a dairy-yard in the neighbourhood of my mother's +house, major, in Stephen's Green; and you thought he was hid in a +hay-rick, and ordered your sergeant to ask for the loan of a spit from +my mother's kitchen to probe the haystack." + +"Oh! then, madam, your mother was _loyal_, I suppose." + +"Most loyal, sir." + +"Give the lady a chair," said the major. + +"Thank you, I don't want it--but, major, when you asked for the spit, +my mother thought you were going to practise one of your delightfully +ingenious bits of punishment, and asked the sergeant _who it was you +were going to roast_?" + +The major grew livid on the bench where he sat, at this awkward +reminiscence of one of his friends, and a dead silence reigned through +the crowded office. He recovered himself, however, and addressed Mrs. +O'Grady in a mumbling manner, telling her she must give security to keep +the peace, herself--and find friends as sureties. On asking her had she +any friends to appear for her, she declared she had. + +"A gentleman of the nicest honour, sir," said the dowager, pulling her +cuckoo from her pocket, and holding it up in view of the whole office. + +A shout of laughter, of course, followed. The affair became at once +understood in its true light; a mad old lady--a paltry coward--&c., &c. +Those who know the excitability and fun of an Irish mob will not +wonder that, when the story got circulated from the office to the crowd +without, which it did with lightning rapidity, the old lady, on being +placed in a hackney-coach which was sent for, was hailed with a chorus +of "Cuckoo!" by the multitude, one half of which ran after the coach +as long as they could keep pace with it, shouting forth the spring-time +call, and the other half followed Furlong to the Castle, with hisses and +other more articulate demonstrations of their contempt. + + + + +CHAPTER XLV + + +The fat and fair Widow Flanagan had, at length, given up +shilly-shallying, and yielding to the fervent entreaties of Tom Durfy, +had consented to name the happy day. She _would_ have some little +ways of her own about it, however, and instead of being married in the +country, insisted on the nuptial knot being tied in Dublin. Thither +the widow repaired with her swain to complete the stipulated time of +residence within some metropolitan parish before the wedding could +take place. In the meanwhile they enjoyed all the gaiety the capital +presented, the time glided swiftly by, and Tom was within a day of being +made a happy man, when, as he was hastening to the lodgings of the fair +widow, who was waiting with her bonnet and shawl on to be escorted to +the botanical gardens at Glasnevin, he was accosted by an odd-looking +person of somewhat sinister aspect. + +"I believe I have the honour of addressing Mister Durfy, sir?" Tom +answered in the affirmative. "_Thomas_ Durfy, Esquire, I think, sir?" + +"Yes." + +"This is for you, sir," he said, handing Tom a piece of dirty printed +paper, and at the same time laying his hand on Tom's shoulder and +executing a smirking sort of grin, which he meant to be the pattern +of politeness, added, "You'll excuse me, sir, but I arrest you under a +warrant from the High Sheriff of the city of Dublin; always sorry, sir, +for a gintleman in defficulties, but it's my duty." + +"You're a bailiff, then?" said Tom. + +"Sir," said the bum, + + "'Honour and shame from no condition rise; + Act well your part--there all the honour lies.'" + +"I meant no offence," said Tom. "I only meant--" + +"I understand, sir--I understand. These little defficulties startles +gintlemen at first--you've not been used to arrest, I see, sir?" + +"Never in my life did such a thing happen before," said Tom. "I live +generally, thank God, where a bailiff daren't show his face." + +"Ah, sir," said the bailiff with a grin, "them rustic habits betrays +the children o' nature often when they come to town; but we are _so +fisticated_ here in the metropolis, that we lay our hands on strangers +aisy. But you'd better not stand in the street, sir, or people will +understand it's an arrest, sir; and I suppose you wouldn't like the +exposure. I can simperise in a gintle-man's feelings, sir. If you +walk aisy on, sir, and don't attempt to escape or rescue, I'll keep a +gentlemanlike distance." + +Tom walked on in great perplexity for a few steps, not knowing what +to do. The hour of his rendezvous had struck; he knew how impatient of +neglect the widow always was; he at one moment thought of asking the +bailiff to allow him to proceed to her lodgings at once, there boldly +to avow what had taken place and ask her to discharge the debt; but +this his pride would not allow him to do. As he came to the corner of a +street, he got a tap on the elbow from the bailiff, who, with a jerking +motion of his thumb and a wink, said in a confidential tone to Tom, +"Down this street, sir--that's the way to the _pres'n_ (prison)." + +"Prison!" exclaimed Tom, halting involuntarily at the word. + +"Shove on, sir--shove on!" hastily repeated the sheriff's officer, +urging his orders by a nudge or two on Tom's elbow. + +"Don't shove me, sir!" said Tom, rather angrily, "or by G--" + +"Aisy, sir--aisy!" said the bailiff; "though I feel for the defficulties +of a gintleman, the caption must be made, sir. If you don't like the +pris'n, I have a nice little room o' my own, sir, where you can wait, +for a small consideration, until you get bail." + +"I'll go there, then," said Tom. "Go through as private streets as you +can." + +"Give me half-a-guinea for my trouble, sir, and I'll ambulate you +through lanes every _fut_ o' the way." + +"Very well," said Tom. + +They now struck into a shabby street, and thence wended through stable +lanes, filthy alleys, up greasy broken steps, through one close, and +down steps in another--threaded dark passages whose debouchures were +blocked up with posts to prevent vehicular conveyance, the accumulated +dirt of years sensible to the tread from its lumpy unevenness, and the +stagnant air rife with pestilence. Tom felt increasing disgust at every +step he proceeded, but anything to him appeared better than being seen +in the public streets in such company; for, until they got into these +labyrinths of nastiness, Tom thought he saw in the looks of every +passer-by, as plainly told as if the words were spoken, "There goes a +fellow under the care of the bailiff." In these by-ways, he had not any +objection to speak to his companion, and for the first time asked him +what he was arrested for. + +"At the suit of Mr. M'Kail, sir." + +"Oh! the tailor?" said Tom. + +"Yes, sir," said the bailiff. "And if you would not consider it trifling +with the feelings of a gintleman in defficulties, I would make the +playful observation, sir, that it's quite in character to be arrested at +the _suit_ of a tailor. He! he! he!" + +"You're a wag, I see," said Tom. + +"Oh no, sir, only a poetic turn: a small affection I have certainly for +Judy Mot, but my rale passion is the muses. We are not far now, sir, +from my little bower of repose--which is the name I give my humble +abode--small, but snug, sir. You'll see another gintleman there, sir, +before you. He is waitin' for bail these three or four days, sir--can't +pay as he ought for the 'commodation, but he's a friend o' mine, I may +almost say, sir--a litherary gintleman--them litherary gintlemen is +always in defficulties mostly. I suppose you're a litherary gintleman, +sir--though you're rather ginteely dhressed for one?" + +"No," said Tom, "I am not." + +"I thought you wor, sir, by being acquainted with this other gintleman." + +"An acquaintance of mine!" said Tom, with surprise. + +"Yes, sir. In short it was through him I found out where you wor, sir. +I have had the wret agen you for some time, but couldn't make you off, +till my friend says I must carry a note from him to you." + +"Where is the note?" inquired Tom. + +"Not ready yet, sir. It's po'thry he's writin'--something 'pithy' +he said, and 'lame' too. I dunna how a thing could be pithy and lame +together, but them potes has hard words at command." + +"Then you came away without the note?" + +"Yis, sir. As soon as I found out where you wor stopping I ran off +directly on Mr. M'Kail's little business. You'll excuse the liberty, +sir; but we must all mind our professions; though, indeed, sir, if you +b'lieve me, I'd rather nab a rhyme than a gintleman any day; and if I +could get on the press I'd quit the shoulder-tapping profession." + +Tom cast an eye of wonder on the bailiff, which the latter comprehended +at once; for with habitual nimbleness he could nab a man's thoughts as +fast as his person. "I know what you're thinkin', sir--could one of my +profession pursue the muses? Don't think, sir, I mane I could write the +'laders' or the pollitik'l articles, but the criminal cases, sir--the +robberies and offinces--with the watchhouse cases--together with a +little po'thry now and then. I think I could be useful, sir, and do +better than some of the chaps that pick up their ha'pence that way. But +here's my place, sir--my little bower of repose." + +He knocked at the door of a small tumble-down house in a filthy lane, +the one window it presented in front being barred with iron. Some bolts +were drawn inside, and though the man who opened the door was forbidding +in his aspect, he did not refuse to let Tom in. The portal was hastily +closed and bolted after they had entered. The smell of the house was +pestilential--the entry dead dark. + +"Give me your hand, sir," said the bailiff, leading Tom forward. They +ascended some creaking stairs, and the bailiff, fumbling for some time +with a key at a door, unlocked it and shoved it open, and then led in +his captive. Tom saw a shabby-genteel sort of person, whose back was +towards him, directing a letter. + +"Ah, Goggins!" said the writer, "you're come back in the nick of time. I +have finished now, and you may take the letter to Mister Durfy." + +"You may give it to him yourself, sir," replied Goggins, "for here he +is." + +"Indeed!" said the writer, turning round. + +"What!" exclaimed Tom Durfy, in surprise; "James Reddy!" + +"Even so," said James, with a sentimental air: + + "'The paths of glory lead but to the grave.' + +Literature is a bad trade, my dear Tom!--'tis an ungrateful world--men +of the highest aspirations may lie in gaol for all the world cares; +not that you come within the pale of the worthless ones; this is +good-natured of you to come and see a friend in trouble. You deserve, my +dear Tom, that you should have been uppermost in my thoughts; for here +is a note I have just written to you, enclosing a copy of verses to you +on your marriage--in short, it is an epithalamium." + +"That's what I told you, sir," said Goggins to Tom. + +"May the divil burn you and your epithalamium!" said Tom Durfy, stamping +round the little room. + +James Reddy stared in wonder, and Goggins roared, laughing. + +"A pretty compliment you've paid me, Mister Reddy, this fine morning," +said Tom; "you tell a bailiff where I live, that you may send your +infernal verses to me, and you get me arrested." + +"Oh, murder!" exclaimed James. "I'm very sorry, my dear Tom; but, at the +same time, 't is a capital incident! How it would work up in a farce!" + +"How funny it is!" said Tom in a rage, eyeing James as if he could have +eaten him. "Bad luck to all poetry and poetasters! By the 'tarnal war, +I wish every poet, from Homer down, was put into a mortar and pounded to +death!" + +James poured forth expressions of sorrow for the mischance; and +extremely ludicrous it was to see one man making apologies for trying +to pay his friend a compliment; his friend swearing at him for his +civility, and the bailiff grinning at them both. + +In this triangular dilemma we will leave them for the present. + + + + +CHAPTER XLVI + + +Edward O'Connor, on hearing from Gustavus of the old dowager's +disappearance from Neck-or-Nothing Hall, joined in the eager inquiries +which were made about her; and _his_ being directed with more method and +judgment than those of others, their result was more satisfactory. He +soon "took up the trail," to use an Indian phrase, and he and Gusty were +not many hours in posting after the old lady. They arrived in town early +in the morning, and lost no time in casting about for information. + +One of the first places Edward inquired at was the inn where the +postchaise generally drove to from the house where the old dowager had +obtained her carriage in the country; but there no trace was to be had. +Next, the principal hotels were referred to, but as yet without success; +when, as they turned into one of the leading streets in continuance of +their search, their attention was attracted by a crowd swaying to and +fro in that peculiar manner which indicates there is a fight inside +of it. Great excitement prevailed on the verge of the crowd, where +exclamations escaped from those who could get a peep at the fight. + +"The little chap has great heart!" cried one. + +"But the sweep is the biggest," said another. + +"Well done, _Horish_!" [Footnote: The name of a celebrated sweep in +Ireland, whose name is applied to the whole.] cried a blackguard, who +enjoyed the triumph of his fellow. "Bravo! little fellow," rejoined +a genteel person, who rejoiced in some successful hit of the other +combatant. There is an inherent love in men to see a fight, which Edward +O'Connor shared with inferior men; and if _he_ had not peeped into the +ring, most assuredly Gusty would. What was their astonishment, when they +got a glimpse of the pugilists, to perceive Ratty was one of them--his +antagonist being a sweep, taller by a head, and no bad hand at the +"noble science." + +Edward's first impulse was to separate them, but Gusty requested he +would not, saying that he saw by Ratty's eye he was able to "lick the +fellow." Ratty certainly showed great fight; what the sweep had in +superior size was equalized by the superior "game" of the gentleman-boy, +to whom the indomitable courage of a high-blooded race had descended, +and who would sooner have died than yield. Besides, Ratty was not +deficient in the use of his "bunch of fives," hit hard for his size, +and was very agile: the sweep sometimes made a rush, grappled, and got +a fall; but he never went in without getting something from Ratty to +"remember him," and was not always uppermost. At last, both were so far +punished, and the combat not being likely to be speedily ended (for the +sweep was no craven), that the bystanders interfered, declaring that +"they ought to be separated," and they were. + +While the crowd was dispersing, Edward called a coach; and before Ratty +could comprehend how the affair was managed, he was shoved into it and +driven from the scene of action. Ratty had a confused sense of hearing +loud shouts--of being lifted somewhere--of directions given--the rattle +of iron steps clinking sharply--two or three fierce bangs of a door that +wouldn't shut, and then an awful shaking, which roused him up from the +corner of the vehicle into which he had fallen in the first moment of +exhaustion. Ratty "shook his feathers," dragged his hair from out of his +eyes, which were getting very black indeed, and applied his handkerchief +to his nose, which was much in need of that delicate attention; and when +the sense of perfect vision was restored to him, which was not for some +time (all the colours of the rainbow dancing before Ratty's eyes for +many seconds after the fight), what was his surprise to see Edward +O'Connor and Gusty sitting on the opposite seat! + +It was some time before Ratty could quite comprehend his present +situation; but as soon as he was made sensible of it, and could answer, +the first questions asked of him were about his grandmother. Ratty +fortunately remembered the name of the hotel where she put up, though +he had left it as soon as the old lady proceeded to the Castle--had lost +his way--and got engaged in a quarrel with a sweep in the meantime. + +The coach was ordered to drive to the hotel named; and how the fight +occurred was the next question. + +"The sweep was passing by, and I called him 'snow-ball,'" said Ratty; +"and the blackguard returned an impudent answer, and I hit him." + +"You had no right to call him 'snow-ball,'" said Edward. + +"I always called the sweeps 'snow-ball' down at the Hall," said Ratty, +"and they never answered." + +"When you are on your own territory you may say what you please to your +dependents, Ratty, and they dare not answer; or to use a vulgar saying, +'A cock may crow on his own dunghill.'" + +"I'm no dunghill cock!" said Ratty, fiercely. + +"Indeed, you're not," said Edward, laying his hand kindly on the boy's +shoulder; "you have plenty of courage." + +"I'd have licked him," said Ratty, "if they'd have let me have two or +three rounds more." + +"My dear boy, other things are needful in this world besides courage. +Prudence, temper, and forbearance are required; and this may be a lesson +to you, to remember, that, when you get abroad in the world, you are +very little cared about, however great your consequence may be at home; +and I am sure you cannot be proud about your having got into a quarrel +_with a sweep_." + +Ratty made no answer--his blood began to cool--he became every moment +more sensible that he had received heavy blows. His eyes became more +swollen, he snuffled more in his speech, and his blackened condition +altogether, from gutter, soot, and thrashing, convinced him a fight with +a sweep was _not_ an enviable achievement. + +The coach drew up at the hotel. Edward left Gusty to see about the +dowager, and made an appointment for Gusty to meet him at their own +lodgings in an hour; while he in the interim should call on Dick Dawson, +who was in town on his way to London. + +Edward shook hands with Ratty and bade him kindly good bye. "You're +a stout fellow, Ratty," said he, "but remember this old saying, +'_Quarrelsome dogs get dirty coats_.'" + +Edward now proceeded to Dick's lodgings, and found him engaged in +reading a note from Tom Durfy, dated from the "Bower of Repose," and +requesting Dick's aid in his present difficulty. + +"Here's a pretty kettle of fish," said Dick: "Tom Durfy, who is engaged +to dine with me to-day to take leave of his bachelor life, as he is +going to be married to-morrow, is arrested, and now in _quod_, and wants +me to bail him." + +"The shortest way is to pay the money at once," said Edward; "is it +much?" + +"That I don't know; but I have not a great deal about me, and what I +have I want for my journey to London and my expenses there--not but what +I'd help Tom if I could." + +"He must not be allowed to remain _there_, however we manage to get him +out," said Edward; "perhaps I can help you in the affair." + +"You're always a good fellow, Ned," said Dick, shaking his hand warmly. + +Edward escaped from hearing any praise of himself by proposing they +should repair at once to the sponging-house, and see how matters stood. +Dick lamented he should be called away at such a moment, for he was just +going to get his wine ready for the party--particularly some champagne, +which he was desirous of seeing well iced; but as he could not wait to +do it himself, he called Andy, to give him directions about it, and set +off with Edward to the relief of Tom Durfy. + +Andy was once more in service in the Egan family; for the Squire, on +finding him still more closely linked by his marriage with the desperate +party whose influence over Andy was to be dreaded, took advantage of +Andy's disgust against the woman who had entrapped him, and offered to +take him off to London instead of enlisting; and as Andy believed he +would be there sufficiently out of the way of the false Bridget, he came +off at once to Dublin with Dick, who was the pioneer of the party to +London. + +Dick gave Andy the necessary directions for icing the champagne, which +he set apart and pointed out most particularly to our hero, lest he +should make a mistake and perchance ice the port instead. + +After Edward and Dick had gone, Andy commenced operations according to +orders. He brought a large tub up-stairs containing rough ice, which +excited Andy's wonder, for he never had known till now that ice was +preserved for and applied to such a use, for an ice-house did not happen +to be attached to any establishment in which he had served. + +"Well, this is the quarest thing I ever heerd of," said Andy. "Musha! +what outlandish inventions the quolity has among them! They're not +contint with wine, but they must have ice along with it--and in a tub, +too!--just like pigs!--throth it's a dirty thrick, I think. Well, here +goes!" said he; and Andy opened a bottle of champagne, and poured it +into the tub with the ice. "How it fizzes!" said Andy, "Faix, it's +almost as lively as the soda-wather that bothered me long ago. Well, I +know more about things now; sure it's wondherful how a man improves with +practice!"--and another bottle of champagne was emptied into the tub +as he spoke. Thus, with several other complacent comments upon his own +proficiency, Andy poured half-a-dozen of champagne into the tub of ice, +and remarked, when he had finished his work, that he thought it would be +"mighty cowld on their stomachs." + +Dick and Edward all this time were on their way to the relief of Tom +Durfy, who, though he had cooled down from the boiling-pitch to which +the misadventure of the morning had raised him, was still _simmering_, +with his elbows planted on the rickety table in Mr. Goggins' "bower," +and his chin resting on his clenched hands. It was the very state of +mind in which Tom was most dangerous. + +At the other side of the table sat James Reddy, intently employed in +writing; his pursed mouth and knitted brows bespoke a labouring state +of thought, and the various crossings, interlinings, and blottings gave +additional evidence of the same, while now and then a rush at a line +which was knocked off in a hurry, with slashing dashes of the pen, +and fierce after-crossings of _t's_, and determined dottings of _i's_, +declared some thought suddenly seized, and executed with bitter triumph. + +"You seem very _happy in yourself_ in what you are writing," said Tom. +"What is it? Is it another epithalamium?" + +"It is a caustic article against the successful men of the day," said +Reddy; "they have no merit, sir--none. 'T is nothing but luck has placed +them where they are, and they ought to be exposed." He then threw down +his pen as he spoke, and, after a silence of some minutes, suddenly put +this question to Tom: + +"What do you think of the world?" + +"'Faith, I think it so pleasant a place," said Tom, "that I'm +confoundedly vexed at being kept out of it by being locked up here; +and that cursed bailiff is so provokingly free-and-easy--coming in here +every ten minutes, and making himself at home." + +"Why, as for that matter, it is his home, you must remember." + +"But while a gentleman is here for a period," said Tom, "this room ought +to be considered his, and that fellow has no business here--and then his +bows and scrapes, and talking about the feelings of a gentleman, and all +that--'t is enough to make a dog beat his father. Curse him! I'd like to +choke him." + +"Oh! that's merely his manner," said James. + +"Want of manners, you mean," said Tom. "Hang me, if he comes up to me +with his rascally familiarity again, but I'll kick him down stairs." + +"My dear fellow, you are excited," said Reddy; "don't let these +sublunary trifles ruffle your temper--you see how I bear it; and to +recall you to yourself, I will remind you of the question we started +from, 'What do you think of the world?' There's a general question--a +broad question, upon which one may talk with temper and soar above +the petty grievances of life in the grand consideration of so ample a +subject. You see me here, a prisoner like yourself, but I can talk of +_the world_. Come, be a calm philosopher, like me! Answer, what do you +think of the world?" + +"I've told you already," said Tom; "it's a capital place, only for the +bailiffs." + +"I can't agree with you," said James. "I think it one vast pool of +stagnant wretchedness, where the _malaria_ of injustice holds her scales +suspended, to poison rising talent by giving an undue weight to existing +prejudices." + +To this lucid and good-tempered piece of philosophy, Tom could only +answer, "You know I am no poet, and I cannot argue with you but, 'pon my +soul, I _have_ known, and _do_ know, some uncommon good fellows in the +world." + +"You're wrong, you're wrong, my unsuspecting friend. 'T is a bad world, +and no place for susceptible minds. Jealousy pursues talent like its +shadow--superiority alone wins for you the hatred of inferior men. For +instance, why am _I_ here? The editor of _my_ paper will not allow _my_ +articles always to appear;--prevents their insertion, lest the effect +they would make would cause inquiry, and tend to _my_ distinction; and +the consequence is, that the paper _I_ came to _uphold_ in Dublin +is deprived of _my_ articles, and _I_ don't get paid; while _I_ see +_inferior_ men, without asking for it, loaded with favour; _they_ are +abroad in affluence, and _I_ in captivity and poverty. But one comfort +is, even in disgrace I can write, and they shall get a slashing." + +Thus spoke the calm philosopher, who gave Tom a lecture on patience. + +Tom was no great conjuror; but at that moment, like Audrey, "he thanked +the gods he was not poetical." If there be any one thing more than +another to make an "every-day man" content with his average lot, it is +the exhibition of ambitious inferiority, striving for distinction it can +never attain; just given sufficient perception to desire the glory of +success, without power to measure the strength that can achieve it; like +some poor fly, which beats its head against a pane of glass, seeing the +sunshine beyond, but incapable of perceiving the subtle medium which +intervenes--too delicate for its limited sense to comprehend, but too +strong for its limited power to pass. But though Tom felt satisfaction +at that moment, he had too good feeling to wound the self-love of the +vain creature before him; so, instead of speaking what he thought, viz., +"What business have you to attempt literature, you conceited fool?" he +tried to wean him civilly from his folly by saying, "Then come back to +the country, James; if you find jealous rivals _here_, you know you were +always admired _there_." + +"No, sir," said James; "even there my merit was unacknowledged." + +"No! no!" said Tom. + +"Well, underrated, at least. Even there, _that_ Edward O'Connor, somehow +or other, I never could tell why--I never saw his great talents--but +somehow or other, people got it into their heads that he was clever." + +"I tell you what it is," said Tom, earnestly, "Ned-of-the-Hill has +got into a better place than people's _heads_--he has got into their +_hearts_!" + +"There it is!" exclaimed James, indignantly. "You have caught up the +cuckoo-cry--the heart! Why, sir, what merit is there in writing about +feelings which any common labourer can comprehend? There's no poetry in +that; true poetry lies in a higher sphere, where you have difficulty +in following the flight of the poet, and possibly may not be fortunate +enough to understand him--that's poetry, sir." + +"I told you I am no poet," said Tom; "but all I know is, I have felt +my heart warm to some of Edward's songs, and, by jingo, I have seen the +women's eyes glisten, and their cheeks flush or grow pale, as they have +heard them--and that's poetry enough for me." + +"Well, let Mister O'Connor enjoy his popularity, sir, if popularity it +may be called, in a small country circle--let him enjoy it--I don't envy +him _his_, though I think he was rather jealous about mine." + +"Ned jealous!" exclaimed Tom, in surprise. + +"Yes, jealous; I never heard him say a kind word of any verses I ever +wrote in my life; and I am certain he has most unkind feelings towards +me." + +"I tell you what it is," said Tom, "getting up" a bit; "I told you I +don't understand poetry, but I _do_ understand what's an infinitely +better thing, and that's fine, generous, manly feeling; and if there's +a human being in the world incapable of wronging another in his mind or +heart, or readier to help his fellow-man, it is Edward O'Connor: so say +no more, James, if you please." + +Tom had scarcely uttered the last word, when the key was turned in the +door. + +"Here's that infernal bailiff again!" said Tom, whose irritability, +increased by Reddy's paltry egotism and injustice, was at its +boiling-pitch once more. He planted himself firmly in his chair, and +putting on his fiercest frown, was determined to confront Mister Goggins +with an aspect that should astonish him. + +The door opened, and Mister Goggins made his appearance, presenting to +the gentlemen in the room the hinder portion of his person, which made +several indications of courtesy performed by the other half of his body, +while he uttered the words, "Don't be astonished, gentlemen; you'll be +used to it by-and-by." And with these words he kept backing towards Tom, +making these nether demonstrations of civility, till Tom could plainly +see the seams in the back of Mr. Goggins's pantaloons. + +Tom thought this was some new touch of the "free-and-easy" on Mister +Goggins's part, and, losing all command of himself, he jumped from +his chair, and with a vigorous kick gave Mister Goggins such a lively +impression of his desire that he should leave the room, that Mister +Goggins went head foremost down the stairs, pitching his whole weight +upon Dick Dawson and Edward O'Connor, who were ascending the dark +stairs, and to whom all his bows had been addressed. Overwhelmed with +astonishment and twelve stone of bailiff, they were thrown back into the +hall, and an immense uproar in the passage ensued. + +Edward and Dick were near coming in for some hard usage from Goggins, +conceiving it might be a preconcerted attempt on the part of his +prisoners and their newly arrived friends to achieve a rescue; and +while he was rolling about on the ground, he roared to his evil-visaged +janitor to look to the door first, and keep him from being "murthered" +after. + +Fortunately no evil consequences ensued, until matters could be +explained in the hall, and Edward and Dick were introduced to the upper +room, from which Goggins had been so suddenly ejected. + +There the bailiff demanded in a very angry tone the cause of +Tom's conduct; and when it was found to be _only_ a mutual +misunderstanding--that Goggins wouldn't take a liberty with a gentleman +"in defficulties" for the world, and that Tom wouldn't hurt a fly, "only +under a mistake"--matters were cleared up to the satisfaction of all +parties, and the real business of the meeting commenced:--that was to +pay Tom's debt out of hand; and when the bailiff saw all demands, fees +included, cleared off, the clouds from his brow cleared off also, he +was the most amiable of sheriff's officers, and all his sentimentality +returned. + +Edward did not seem quite to sympathise with his amiability, so Goggins +returned to the charge, while Tom and Dick were exchanging a few words +with James Reddy. + +"You see, sir," said Goggins, "in the first place, it is quite beautiful +to see the mind in adversity bearing up against the little antediluvian +afflictions that will happen occasionally, and then how fine it is +to remark the spark of generosity that kindles in the noble heart and +rushes to the assistance of the destitute! I do assure you, sir, it is +a most beautiful sight to see the gentlemen in defficulties waitin' here +for their friends to come to their relief, like the last scene in Blue +Beard, where sister Ann waves her han'kerchief from the tower--the +tyrant is slain--and virtue rewarded! + +"Ah, sir!" said he to Edward O'Connor, whose look of disgust at the +wretched den caught the bailiff's attention, "don't entertain an +antifassy from first imprissions, which is often desaivin'. I do pledge +you my honour, sir, there is no place in the 'varsal world where +human nature is visible in more attractive colours than in this humble +retrait." + +Edward could not conceal a smile at the fellow's absurdity, though his +sense of the ridiculous could not overcome the disgust with which the +place inspired him. He gave an admonitory touch to the elbow of Dick +Dawson, who, with his friend Tom Durfy, followed Edward from the +room, the bailiff bringing up the rear, and relocking the door on the +unfortunate James Reddy, who was left "alone in his glory," to finish +his slashing article against the successful men of the day. Nothing more +than words of recognition had passed between Reddy and Edward. In +the first place, Edward's appearance at the very moment the other was +indulging in illiberal observations upon him rendered the ill-tempered +poetaster dumb; and Edward attributed this distance of manner to a +feeling of shyness which Reddy might entertain at being seen in such a +place, and therefore had too much good breeding to thrust his civility +on a man who seemed to shrink from it; but when he left the house he +expressed his regret to his companions at the poor fellow's unfortunate +situation. + +It touched Tom Durfy's heart to hear these expressions of compassion +coming from the lips of the man he had heard maligned a few minutes +before by the very person commiserated, and it raised his opinion higher +of Edward, whose hand he now shook with warm expressions of thankfulness +on his own account, for the prompt service rendered to him. Edward +made as light of his own kindness as he could, and begged Tom to think +nothing of such a trifle. + +"One word I will say to you, Durfy, and I'm sure you'll pardon me for +it." + +"Could you say a thing to offend me?" was the answer. + +"You are to be married soon, I understand?" + +"To-morrow," said Tom. + +"Well, my dear Durfy, if you owe any more money, take a real friend's +advice, and tell your pretty good-hearted widow the whole amount of your +debts before you marry her." + +"My dear O'Connor," said Tom, "the money you've lent me now is all I owe +in the world; 't was a tailor's bill, and I quite forgot it. You know, +no one ever thinks of a tailor's bill. Debts, indeed!" added Tom, with +surprise; "my dear fellow, I never could be much in debt, for the devil +a one would trust me." + +"An excellent reason for your unencumbered state," said Edward, "and I +hope you pardon me." + +"Pardon!" exclaimed Tom, "I esteem you for your kind and manly +frankness." + +In the course of their progress towards Dick's lodgings, Edward reverted +to James Reddy's wretched condition, and found it was but some petty +debt for which he was arrested. He lamented, in common with Dick and +Tom, the infatuation which made him desert a duty he could profitably +perform by assisting his father in his farming concerns, to pursue a +literary path, which could never be any other to him than one of thorns. + +As Edward had engaged to meet Gusty in an hour, he parted from his +companions and pursued his course alone. But, instead of proceeding +immediately homeward, he retraced his steps to the den of the bailiff +and gave a quiet tap at the door. Mister Goggins himself answered to the +knock, and began a loud and florid welcome to Edward, who stopped his +career of eloquence by laying a finger on his lip in token of silence. +A few words sufficed to explain the motive of his visit. He wished to +ascertain the sum for which the gentleman up-stairs was detained. The +bailiff informed him; and the money necessary to procure the captive's +liberty was placed in his hand. + +The bailiff cast one of his melodramatic glances at Edward, and said, +"Didn't I tell you, sir, this was the place for calling out the noblest +feelings of human nature?" + +"Can you oblige me with writing materials?" said Edward. + +"I can, sir," said Goggins, proudly, "and with other _materials_ too, +if you like--and 'pon my honour, I'll be proud to drink your health, for +you're a raal gintleman." [Footnote: The name given in Ireland to the +necessary materials for the compounding of whisky-punch.] + +Edward, in the civilest manner, declined the offer, and wrote, or +rather tried to write, the following note, with a pen like a skewer, ink +something thicker than mud, and on whity-brown paper:-- + +"DEAR SIR,--I hope you will pardon the liberty I have taken in your +temporary want of money. You can repay me at your convenience. Yours, + +"E. O'C." + +Edward left the den, and so did James Reddy soon after--a better man. +Though weak, his heart was not shut to the humanities of life--and +Edward's kindness, in opening his eyes to the wrong he had done _one_ +man, induced in his heart a kinder feeling towards all. He tore up his +slashing article against successful men. Would that every disappointed +man would do the same. + +The bailiff was right: even so low a den as his becomes ennobled by the +presence of active benevolence and prejudice reclaimed. + + + + +CHAPTER XLVII + + +Edward, on returning to his hotel, found Gusty there before him, in +great delight at having seen a "splendid" horse, as he said, which had +been brought for Edward's inspection, he having written a note on his +arrival in town to a dealer stating his want of a first-rate hunter. + +"He's in the stable now," said Gusty; "for I desired the man to wait, +knowing you would be here soon." + +"I cannot see him now, Gusty," said Edward: "will you have the kindness +to tell the groom I can look at the horse in his own stables when I wish +to purchase?" + +Gusty departed to do the message, somewhat in wonder, for Edward loved +a fine horse. But the truth was, Edward's disposable money, which he had +intended for the purchase of a hunter, had a serious inroad made upon +it by the debts he had discharged for other men, and he was forced +to forego the pleasure he had proposed to himself in the next hunting +season; and he did not like to consume any one's time, or raise false +expectations, by affecting to look at disposable property with the eye +of a purchaser, when he knew it was beyond his reach; and the flimsy +common-places of "I'll think of it," or "If I don't see something +better," or any other of the twenty hackneyed excuses which idle people +make, after consuming busy men's time, Edward held to be unworthy. He +could ride a hack and deny himself hunting for a whole season, but +he would not unnecessarily consume the useful time of any man for ten +minutes. + +This may be sneered at by the idle and thoughtless; nevertheless, it is +a part of the minor morality which is ever present in the conduct of a +true gentleman. + +Edward had promised to join Dick's dinner-party on an impromptu +invitation, and the clock striking the appointed hour warned Edward it +was time to be off; so, jumping up on a jaunting car, he rattled off to +Dick's lodgings, where a jolly party was assembled ripe for fun. + +Amongst the guests was a rather remarkable man, a Colonel Crammer, who +had seen a monstrous deal of service--one of Tom Durfy's friends whom he +had asked leave to bring with him to dinner. Of course, Dick's card +and a note of invitation for the gallant colonel were immediately +despatched; and he had but just arrived before Edward, who found a +bustling sensation in the room as the colonel was presented to those +already assembled, and Tom Durfy giving whispers, aside, to each +person touching his friend; such as--"Very remarkable man"--"Seen great +service"--"A little odd or so"--"A fund of most extraordinary anecdote," +&c., &c. + +Now this Colonel Crammer was no other than Tom Loftus, whose +acquaintance Dick wished to make, and who had been invited to the dinner +after a preliminary visit; but Tom sent an excuse in his own name, and +preferred being present under a fictitious one--this being one of the +odd ways in which his humour broke out, desirous of giving people a +"touch of his quality" before they knew him. He was in the habit of +assuming various characters; a methodist missionary--the patentee +of some unheard-of invention--the director of some new joint-stock +company--in short, anything which would give him an opportunity of +telling tremendous bouncers was equally good for Tom. His reason for +assuming a military guise on this occasion was to bother Moriarty, whom +he knew he should meet, and held a special reason for tormenting; and +he knew he could achieve this, by throwing all the stories Moriarty was +fond of telling about his own service into the shade, by extravagant +inventions of "hair-breadth 'scapes" and feats by "flood and +field." Indeed, the dinner would not be worth mentioning but for the +extraordinary capers Tom cut on the occasion, and the unheard-of lies he +squandered. + +Dinner was announced by Andy, and with good appetite soup and fish were +soon despatched; sherry followed as a matter of necessity. The second +course appeared, and was not long under discussion when Dick called for +the "champagne." + +Andy began to drag the tub towards the table, and Dick, impatient of +delay, again called "champagne." + +"I'm bringin' it to you, sir," said Andy, tugging at the tub. + +"Hand it round the table," said Dick. + +Andy tried to lift the tub, "to hand it round the table;" but, finding +he could not manage it, he whispered to Dick, "I can't get it up, sir." + +Dick, fancying Andy meant he had got a flask not in a sufficient state +of effervescence to expel its own cork, whispered in return, "Draw it, +then." + +"I was dhrawin' it to you, sir, when you stopped me." + +"Well, make haste with it," said Dick. + +"Mister Dawson, I'll trouble you for a small slice of the turkey," said +the colonel. + +"With pleasure, colonel; but first do me the honour to take champagne. +Andy--champagne!" + +"Here it is, sir!" said Andy, who had drawn the tub close to Dick's +chair. + +"Where's the wine, sir?" said Dick, looking first at the tub and then at +Andy. "There, sir," said Andy, pointing down to the ice. "I put the wine +into it, as you towld me." + +Dick looked again at the tub, and said, "There is not a single bottle +there--what do you mean, you stupid rascal?" + +"To be sure, there's no bottle there, sir. The bottles is all on the +sideboord, but every dhrop o' the wine is in the ice, as you towld me, +sir; if you put your hand down into it, you'll feel it, sir." + +The conversation between master and man growing louder as it proceeded +attracted the attention of the whole company, and those near the head +of the table became acquainted as soon as Dick with the mistake Andy had +made, and could not resist laughter; and as the cause of their merriment +was told from man to man, and passed round the board, a roar of laughter +uprose, not a little increased by Dick's look of vexation, which at +length was forced to yield to the infectious merriment around him, and +he laughed with the rest, and making a joke of the disappointment, which +is the very best way of passing one off, he said that he had the honour +of originating at his table a magnificent scale of hospitality; for +though he had heard of company being entertained with a whole hogshead +of claret, he was not aware of champagne being ever served in a tub +before. The company were too determined to be merry to have their +pleasantry put out of tune by so trifling a mishap, and it was generally +voted that the joke was worth twice as much as the wine. Nevertheless, +Dick could not help casting a reproachful look now and then at Andy, +who had to run the gauntlet of many a joke cut at his expense, while +he waited upon the wags at dinner, and caught a lowly muttered anathema +whenever he passed near Dick's chair. In short, master and man were +both glad when the cloth was drawn, and the party could be left to +themselves. + +Then, as a matter of course, Dick called on the gentlemen to charge +their glasses and fill high to a toast he had to propose--they would +anticipate to whom he referred--a gentleman who was going to change his +state of freedom for one of a happier bondage, &c., &c. Dick dashed off +his speech with several mirth-moving allusions to the change that was +coming over his friend Tom, and, having festooned his composition +with the proper quantity of "rosy wreaths," &c., &c., &c., naturally +belonging to such speeches, he wound up with some hearty words--free +from _badinage_, and meaning all they conveyed, and finished with the +rhyming benediction of a "long life and a good wife" to him. + +Tom having returned thanks in the same laughing style that Dick proposed +his health, and bade farewell to the lighter follies of bachelorship for +the more serious ones of wedlock, the road was now open for any one +who was vocally inclined. Dick asked one or two, who said they were not +within a bottle of their singing-point yet, but Tom Durfy was sure his +friend the colonel would favour them. + +"With pleasure," said the colonel; "and I'll sing something appropriate +to the blissful situation of philandering in which you have been +indulging of late, my friend. I wish I could give you any idea of the +song as I heard it warbled by the voice of an Indian princess, who +was attached to me once, and for whom I ran enormous risks--but no +matter--that's past and gone, but the soft tones of Zulima's voice will +ever haunt my heart! The song is a favourite where I heard it--on the +borders of Cashmere, and is supposed to be sung by a fond woman in the +valley of the nightingales--'tis so in the original, but as we have +no nightingales in Ireland, I have substituted the dove in the little +translation I have made, which, if you will allow me, I'll attempt." + +Loud cries of "Hear, hear!" and tapping of applauding hands on the table +followed, while the colonel gave a few preliminary hems; and after some +little pilot tones from his throat, to show the way, his voice ascended +in all the glory of song. + +THE DOVE-SONG + +I + + "_Coo! Coo! Coo! Coo!_ + Thus did I hear the turtle-dove, + _Coo! Coo! Coo!_ + Murmuring forth her love; + And as she flew from tree to tree, + How melting seemed the notes to me-- + _Coo! Coo! Coo!_ + So like the voice of lovers, + 'T was passing sweet to hear + The birds within the covers, + In the spring-time of the year. + +II + + "_Coo! Coo! Coo! Coo!_ + Thus the song's returned again-- + _Coo! Coo! Coo!_ + Through the shady glen; + But there I wandered lone and sad, + While every bird around was glad. + _Coo! Coo! Coo!_ + Thus so fondly murmured they, + _Coo! Coo! Coo!_ + While _my_ love was away. + And yet the song to lovers, + Though sad, is sweet to hear, + From birds within the covers, + In the spring-time of the year." + +The colonel's song, given with Tom Loftus' good voice, was received +with great applause, and the fellows all voted it catching, and began +"cooing" round the table like a parcel of pigeons. + +"A translation from an eastern poet, you say?" + +"Yes," said Tom. + +"'T is not very eastern in its character," said Moriarty. "I mean a +_free_ translation, of course," added the mock colonel. + +"Would you favour us with the song again, in the original?" added +Moriarty. + +Tom Loftus did not know one syllable of any other language than his own, +and it would not have been convenient to talk gibberish to Moriarty, who +had a smattering of some of the eastern tongues; so he declined giving +his Cashmerian song in its native purity, because, as he said, he never +could manage to speak their dialect, though he understood it reasonably +well. + +"But _there's_ a gentleman, I am sure, will sing some other song--and a +better one, I have no doubt," said Tom, with a very humble prostration +of his head on the table, and anxious by a fresh song to get out of the +dilemma in which Moriarty's question was near placing him. + +"Not a better, colonel," said the gentleman who was addressed, "but I +cannot refuse your call, and I will do my best; hand me the port wine, +pray; I always take a glass of port before I sing--I think 't is good +for the throat--what do you say, colonel?" + +"When I want to sing particularly well," said Tom, "I drink _canary_." + +The gentleman smiled at the whimsical answer, tossed off his glass of +port, and began. + +LADY MINE + + "Lady mine! lady mine! + Take the rosy wreath I twine, + All its sweets are less than thine, + Lady, lady mine! + The blush that on thy cheek is found + Bloometh fresh the _whole_ year round; + _Thy_ sweet _breath_ as sweet gives _sound_, + Lady, lady mine! + +II + + "Lady mine! lady mine! + How I love the graceful vine, + Whose tendrils mock thy ringlets' twine, + Lady, lady mine! + How I love that generous tree, + Whose ripe clusters promise me + Bumpers bright,--to pledge to _thee_, + Lady, lady mine! + +III + + "Lady mine! lady mine! + Like the stars that nightly shine, + Thy sweet eyes shed light divine, + Lady, lady mine! + And as sages wise, of old, + From the stars could fate unfold, + Thy bright eyes _my_ fortune told, + Lady, lady mine!" + +The song was just in the style to catch gentlemen after dinner--the +second verse particularly, and many a glass was emptied of a "bumper +bright," and pledged to the particular "_thee_," which each individual +had selected for his devotion. Edward, at that moment, certainly thought +of Fanny Dawson. + +Let teetotallers say what they please, there is a genial influence +inspired by wine and song--not in excess, but in that wholesome degree +which stirs the blood and warms the fancy; and as one raises the glass +to the lip, over which some sweet name is just breathed from the depth +of the heart, what libation so fit to pour to absent friends as wine? +What _is_ wine? It is the grape present in another form; its essence is +there, though the fruit which produced it grew thousands of miles away, +and perished years ago. So the object of many a tender thought may +be spiritually present, in defiance of space--and fond recollections +cherished in defiance of time. + +As the party became more convivial, the mirth began to assume a broader +form. Tom Durfy drew out Moriarty on the subject of his services, that +the mock colonel might throw every new achievement into the shade; +and this he did in the most barefaced manner, but mixing so much of +probability with his audacious fiction, that those who were not up to +the joke only supposed him to be _a very great romancer_; while those +friends who were in Loftus' confidence exhibited a most capacious +stomach for the marvellous, and backed up his lies with a ready +credence. If Moriarty told some fearful incident of a tiger hunt, the +colonel capped it with something more wonderful, of slaughtering lions +in a wholesale way, like rabbits. When Moriarty expatiated on the +intensity of tropical heat, the colonel would upset him with something +more appalling. + +"Now, sir," said Loftus, "let me ask you what is the greatest amount of +heat you have ever experienced--I say _experienced_, not _heard_ of--for +that goes for nothing. I always speak from experience." + +"Well, sir," said Moriarty, "I have known it to be so hot in India, that +I have had a hole dug in the ground under my tent, and sat in it, +and put a table standing over the hole, to try and guard me from the +intolerable fervour of the eastern sun, and even _then_ I was hot. What +do you say to that, colonel?" asked Moriarty, triumphantly. + +"Have you ever been in the West Indies?" inquired Loftus. + +"Never," said Moriarty, who, once entrapped into this admission, +was directly at the colonel's mercy,--and the colonel launched out +fearlessly. + +"Then, my good sir, you know nothing of heat. I have seen in the West +Indies an umbrella burned over a man's head." + +"Wonderful!" cried Loftus' backers. + +"'T is strange, sir," said Moriarty, "that we have never seen that +mentioned by any writer." + +"Easily accounted for, sir," said Loftus. "'T is so common a +circumstance, that it ceases to be worthy of observation. An author +writing of this country might as well remark that the apple-women are to +be seen sitting at the corners of the streets. That's nothing, sir; +but there are two things of which I have personal knowledge, _rather_ +remarkable. One day of intense heat (even for that climate) I was on +a visit at the plantation of a friend of mine, and it was so +out-o'-the-way scorching, that our lips were like cinders, and we +were obliged to have black slaves pouring sangaree down our throats by +gallons--I don't hesitate to say gallons--and we thought we could +not have survived through the day; but what could _we_ think of _our_ +sufferings, when we heard that several negroes, who had gone to sleep +under the shade of some cocoa-nut trees, had been scalded to death?" + +"Scalded?" said his friends; "burnt, you mean." + +"No, scalded; and _how_ do you think? The intensity of the heat had +cracked the cocoa-nuts, and the boiling milk inside dropped down and +produced the fatal result. The same day a remarkable accident occurred +at the battery; the French were hovering round the island at the time, +and the governor, being a timid man, ordered the guns to be always kept +loaded." + +"I never heard of such a thing in a battery in my life, sir," said +Moriarty. + +"Nor I either," said Loftus, "till then." + +"What was the governor's name, sir?" inquired Moriarty, pursuing his +train of doubt. + +"You must excuse me, captain, from naming him," said Loftus, with +readiness, "after _incautiously_ saying he was _timid_." + +"Hear, hear!" said all the friends. + +"But to pursue my story, sir:--the guns were loaded, and with the +intensity of the heat went off, one after another, and quite riddled one +of his Majesty's frigates that was lying in the harbour." + +"That's one of the most difficult riddles to comprehend I ever heard," +said Moriarty. + +"The frigate answered the riddle with her guns, sir, I promise you." + +"What!" exclaimed Moriarty, "fire on the fort of her own king?" + +"There is an honest principle exists among sailors, sir, to return fire +under all circumstances, wherever it comes from, friend or foe. Fire, of +which they know the value so well, they won't take from anybody." + +"And what was the consequence?" said Moriarty. + +"Sir, it was the most harmless broadside ever delivered from the ports +of a British frigate; not a single house or human being was injured--the +day was so hot that every sentinel had sunk on the ground in utter +exhaustion--the whole population were asleep; the only loss of +life which occurred was that of a blue macaw, which belonged to the +commandant's daughter." + +"Where was the macaw, may I beg to know?" said Moriarty, +cross-questioning the colonel in the spirit of a counsel for the defence +on a capital indictment. + +"In the drawing-room window, sir." + +"Then surely the ball must have done some damage in the house?" + +"Not the least, sir," said Loftus, sipping his wine. + +"Surely, colonel!" returned Moriarty, warming, "the ball could not have +killed the macaw without injuring the house?" + +"My dear sir," said Tom, "I did not say the _ball_ killed the macaw, I +said the macaw was killed; but _that_ was in consequence of a splinter +from an _epaulement_ of the south-east angle of the fort which the +shot struck and glanced off harmlessly--except for the casualty of the +macaw." + +Moriarty returned a kind of grunt, which implied that, though he could +not further _question_, he did not _believe_. Under such circumstances, +taking snuff is a great relief to a man; and, as it happened, Moriarty, +in taking snuff, could gratify his nose and his vanity at the same time, +for he sported a silver-gilt snuff-box which was presented to him in +some extraordinary way, and bore a grand inscription. + +On this "piece of plate" being produced, of course it went round the +table, and Moriarty could scarcely conceal the satisfaction he felt as +each person read the engraven testimonial of his worth. When it had gone +the circuit of the board, Tom Loftus put his hand into his pocket and +pulled out the butt-end of a rifle, which is always furnished with a +small box, cut out of the solid part of the wood and covered with a +plate of brass acting on a hinge. This box, intended to carry small +implements for the use of the rifleman, to keep his piece in order, was +filled with snuff, and Tom said, as he laid it down on the table, "This +is _my_ snuff-box, gentlemen; not as handsome as my gallant friend's at +the opposite side of the table, but extremely interesting to me. It was +previous to one of our dashing affairs in Spain that our riflemen were +thrown out in front and on the flanks. The rifles were supported by the +light companies of the regiments in advance, and it was in the latter +duty I was engaged. We had to feel our way through a wood, and had +cleared it of the enemy, when, as we debouched from the wood on the +opposite side, we were charged by an overwhelming force of Polish +lancers and cuirassiers. Retreat was impossible--resistance almost +hopeless. 'My lads,' said I, 'we must do something _novel_ here, or we +are lost--startle them by fresh practice--the bayonet will no longer +avail you--club your muskets, and hit the horses over the noses, and +they'll smell danger.' They took my advice; of course we first delivered +a withering volley, and then to it we went in flail-fashion, thrashing +away with the butt-ends of our muskets; and sure enough the French were +astonished and driven back in amazement. So tremendous, sir, was the +hitting on our side, that in many instances the butt-ends of the muskets +snapped off like tobacco-pipes, and the field was quite strewn with them +after the affair: I picked one of them up as a little memento of the +day, and have used it ever since as a snuff-box." + +Every one was amused by the outrageous romancing of the colonel but +Moriarty, who looked rather disgusted, because he could not edge in a +word of his own at all; he gave up the thing now in despair, for the +colonel had it all his own way, like the bull in a china-shop; the more +startling the bouncers he told, the more successful were his anecdotes, +and he kept pouring them out with the most astounding rapidity; and +though all voted him the greatest liar they ever met, none suspected he +was not a military man. + +Dick wanted Edward O'Connor, who sat beside him, to sing; but Edward +whispered, "For Heaven's sake don't stop the flow of the lava from that +mighty eruption of lies!--he's a perfect Vesuvius of mendacity. You'll +never meet his like again, so make the most of him while you have him. +Pray, sir," said Edward to the colonel, "have you ever been in any of +the cold climates? I am induced to ask you, from the very wonderful +anecdotes you have told of the hot ones." + +"Bless you, sir, I know every corner about the north pole." + +"In which of the expeditions, may I ask, were you engaged?" inquired +Moriarty. + +"In none of them, sir. We knocked up a _little amateur party_, I and a +few curious friends, and certainly we witnessed wonders. You talk here +of a sharp wind; but the wind is so sharp there that it cut off our +beard and whiskers. Boreas is a great barber, sir, with his north pole +for a sign. Then as for frost!--I could tell you such incredible things +of its intensity; our butter, for instance, was as hard as a rock; we +were obliged to knock it off with a chisel and hammer, like a mason at +a piece of granite, and it was necessary to be careful of your eyes at +breakfast, the splinters used to fly about so; indeed, one of the party +_did_ lose the use of his eye from a butter-splinter. But the oddest +thing of all was to watch two men talking to each other: you could +observe the words, as they came out of their mouths, suddenly frozen and +dropping down in little pellets of ice at their feet, so that, after a +long conversation, you might see a man standing up to his knees in his +own eloquence." + +They all roared with laughter at this last touch of the marvellous, but +Loftus preserved his gravity. + +"I don't wonder, gentlemen, at your not receiving that as truth--I told +you it was incredible--in short, that is the reason I have resisted +all temptations to publish. Murray, Longmans, Colburn, Bentley, ALL +the publishers have offered me unlimited terms, but I have always +refused--not that I am a rich man, which makes the temptation of the +thousands I might realise the harder to withstand; 't is not that the +gold is not precious to me, but there is something dearer to me +than gold--_it is my character for veracity!_ and therefore, as I am +convinced the public would not believe the wonders I have witnessed, +I confine the recital of my adventures to the social circle. But +what profession affords such scope for varied incident as that of the +soldier? Change of clime, danger, vicissitude, love, war, privation one +day, profusion the next, darkling dangers, and sparkling joys! Zounds! +there's nothing like the life of a soldier! and, by the powers! I'll +give you a song in its praise." + +The proposition was received with cheers, and Tom rattled away these +ringing rhymes-- + +THE BOWLD SOJER BOY + + "Oh there's not a trade that's going + Worth showing, + Or knowing, + Like that from glory growing, + For a bowld sojer boy; + Where right or left we go, + Sure you know, + Friend or foe + Will have the hand or toe + From a bowld sojer boy! + There's not a town we march thro', + But the ladies, looking arch thro' + The window-panes, will search thro' + The ranks to find their joy; + While up the street, + Each girl you meet, + Will look so sly, + Will cry + 'My eye! + Oh, isn't he a darling, the bowld sojer boy!' + +II + + "But when we get the route, + How they pout + And they shout + While to the right about + Goes the bowld sojer boy. + Oh, 'tis then that ladies fair + In despair + Tear their hair, + But 'the divil-a-one I care,' + Says the bowld sojer boy. + For the world is all before us, + Where the landladies adore us, + And ne'er refuse to score us, + But chalk us up with joy; + We taste her tap, + We tear her cap'-- + 'Oh, that's the chap + For me!' + Says she; + 'Oh, isn't he a darling, the bowld sojer boy.' + +III + + "'Then come along with me, + Gramachree, + And you'll see + How happy you will be + With your bowld sojer boy; + 'Faith! if you're up to fun, + With me run; + 'T will be done + In the snapping of a gun,' + Says the bowld sojer boy; + 'And 't is then that, without scandal, + Myself will proudly dandle + The little farthing candle + Of our mutual flame, my joy! + May his light shine + As bright as mine, + Till in the line + He'll blaze, + And raise + The glory of his corps, like a bowld sojer boy!'" + +Andy entered the room while the song was in progress, and handed a +letter to Dick, which, after the song was over, and he had asked pardon +of his guests, he opened. + +"By Jove! you sing right well, colonel," said one of the party. + +"I think the gallant colonel's songs nothing in comparison with his +_wonderful_ stories," said Moriarty. + +"Gentlemen," said Dick, "wonderful as the colonel's recitals have been, +this letter conveys a piece of information more surprising than anything +we have heard this day. That stupid fellow who spoiled our champagne has +come in for the inheritance of a large property." + +"What!--Handy Andy?" exclaimed those who knew his name. + +"Handy Andy," said Dick, "is now a man of fortune!" + + + + +CHAPTER XLVIII + + +It was a note from Squire Egan which conveyed the news to Dick that +caused so much surprise; the details of the case were not even hinted +at; the bare fact alone was mentioned, with a caution to preserve +it still a secret from Andy, and appointing an hour for dinner at +"Morrison's" next day, at which hotel the Squire expected to arrive from +the country, with his lady and Fanny Dawson, _en route_ for London. Till +dinner-time, then, the day following, Dick was obliged to lay by his +impatience as to the "why and wherefore" of Andy's sudden advancement; +but, as the morning was to be occupied with Tom Durfy's wedding, Dick +had enough to keep him engaged in the meantime. + +At the appointed hour a few of Tom's particular friends were in +attendance to witness the ceremony, or, to use their own phrase, "to see +him turned off," and among them was Tom Loftus. Dick was holding out his +hand to "the colonel," when Tom Durfy stepped between, and introduced +him under his real name. The masquerading trick of the night before was +laughed at, with an assurance from Dick that it only fulfilled all he +had ever heard of the Protean powers of a gentleman whom he so much +wished to know. A few minutes' conversation in the recess of a window +put Tom Loftus and Dick the Devil on perfectly good terms, and Loftus +proposed to Dick that they should execute the old-established trick on a +bridegroom, of snatching the first kiss from the bride. + +"You must get in Tom's way," said Loftus, "and I'll kiss her." + +"Why, the fact is," said Dick, "I had proposed that pleasure to myself; +and, if it's all the same to you, _you_ can jostle Tom, and _I'll_ do +the remainder in good style, I promise you." + +"That I can't agree to," said Loftus; "but as it appears we both have +set our heart on cheating the bridegroom, let us both start fair, and 't +is odd if between us Tom Durfy is not _done_" + +This was agreed upon, and many minutes did not elapse till the bride +made her appearance, and "hostilities were about to commence." The +mutual enemy of the "high contracting parties" first opened his book, +and then his mouth, and in such solemn tones, that it was enough to +frighten _even_ a widow, much less a bachelor. As the ceremony verged +to a conclusion, Tom Loftus and Dick the Devil edged up towards their +'vantage-ground on either side of the blooming widow, now nearly +finished into a wife, and stood like greyhounds in the slip, ready to +start after puss (only puss ought to be spelt here with a B). The widow, +having been married before, was less nervous than Durfy, and, suspecting +the intended game, determined to foil both the brigands, who intended to +rob the bridegroom of his right; so, when the last word of the ceremony +was spoken, and Loftus and Dick made a simultaneous dart upon her, she +very adroitly ducked, and allowed the two "ruggers and rievers" to rush +into each other's arms, and rub their noses together, while Tom Durfy +and his blooming bride sealed their contract very agreeably without +their noses getting in each other's way. + +Loftus and Dick had only a laugh at _their own_ expense, instead of +a kiss at _Tom's_, upon the failure of their plot; but Loftus, in a +whisper to Dick, vowed he would execute a trick upon the "pair of them" +before the day was over. + +There was a breakfast as usual, and chicken and tongue and wine, which, +taken in the morning, are provocative of eloquence; and, of course, the +proper quantity of healths and toasts were executed _selon la reglei,_ +it was time for the bride and bridegroom to bow and blush and curtsey +out of the room, and make themselves food for a paragraph in the morning +papers, under the title of the "happy pair," who set off in a handsome +chariot, &c., &c. + + * * * * * + +Tom Durfy had engaged a pretty cottage in the neighbourhood of Clontarf +to pass the honeymoon. Tom Loftus knew this, and knew, moreover, that +the sitting-room looked out on a small lawn which lay before the house, +screened by a hedge from the road, but with a circular sweep leading +up to the house, and a gate of ingress and egress at either end of the +hedge. In this sitting-room Tom, after lunch, was pressing his lady fair +to take a glass of champagne, when the entrance-gate was thrown open, +and a hackney jaunting-car with Tom Loftus and a friend or two upon +it, driven by a special ragamuffin blowing a tin horn, rolled up the +skimping avenue, and as it scoured past the windows of the sitting-room, +Tom Loftus and the other passengers kissed hands to the astonished bride +and bridegroom, and shouted, "Wish you joy!" + +The thing was so sudden that Durfy and the widow, not seeing Loftus, +could hardly comprehend what it meant, and both ran to the window; but +just as they reached it, up drove another car, freighted with two or +three more wild rascals who followed the lead which had been given them; +and as a long train of cars were seen in the distance all driving up +to the avenue, the widow, with a timid little scream, threw her +handkerchief over her face and ran into a corner. Tom did not know +whether to laugh or be angry, but, being a good-humoured fellow, he +satisfied himself with a few oaths against the incorrigible Loftus, and +when the _cortege_ had passed, endeavoured to restore the startled fair +one to her serenity. + + * * * * * + +Squire Egan and party arrived at the appointed hour at their hotel, +where Dick was waiting to receive them, and, of course, his inquiries +were immediately directed to the extraordinary circumstance of Andy's +elevation, the details of which he desired to know. These we shall not +give in the expanded form in which Dick heard them, but endeavour +to condense, as much as possible, within the limits to which we are +prescribed. + +The title of Scatterbrain had never been inherited directly from father +to son; it had descended in a zigzag fashion, most appropriate to +the name, nephews and cousins having come in for the coronet and the +property for some generations. The late lord had led a _roue_ bachelor +life up to the age of sixty, and then thought it not worth while to +marry, though many mammas and daughters spread their nets and arrayed +their charms to entrap the sexagenarian. + +The truth was, he had quaffed the cup of licentious pleasure all his +life, after which he thought matrimony would prove insipid. The mere +novelty induces some men, under similar circumstances, to try the holy +estate; but matrimony could not offer to Lord Scatterbrain the charms of +novelty, for _he had been_ once married, though no one but himself was +cognisant of the fact. + +The reader will certainly say, "Here's an Irish bull; how could a man be +married, without, at least, a woman and a priest being joint possessors +of the secret?" + +Listen, gentle reader, and you shall hear how none but Lord Scatterbrain +knew Lord Scatterbrain was married. + +There was nothing at which he ever stopped for the gratification of +his passions--no wealth he would not squander, no deceit he would +not practise, no disguise he would not assume. Therefore, gold, and +falsehood, and masquerading were extensively employed by this reckless +_roue_ in the service of Venus, in which service, combined with that of +Bacchus, his life was entirely passed. + +Often he assumed the guise of a man in humble life, to approximate some +object of his desire, whom fine clothes and bribery would have instantly +warned and in too many cases his artifices were successful. It was in +one of these adventures he cast his eyes upon the woman hitherto known +in this story under the name of the Widow Rooney; but all his practices +against her virtue were unavailing, and nothing but a marriage could +accomplish what he had set his fancy upon but even _this_ would not stop +him, _for he married her_. + +The Widow Rooney has appeared no very inviting personage through these +pages, and the reader may wonder that a man of rank could proceed to +such desperate lengths upon such slight temptation; but, gentle +reader, she was young and attractive when she was married--never to say +_handsome_, but good-looking decidedly, and with that sort of figure +which is comprehended in the phrase "a fine girl." + +And has that fine girl altered into the Widow Rooney? Ah! poverty and +hardship are sore trials to the body as well as to the mind. Too little +is it considered, while we gaze on aristocratic beauty, how much good +food, soft lying, warm wrapping, ease of mind, have to do with the +attractions which command our admiration. Many a hand moulded by +nature to give elegance of form to a kid glove, is "stinted of its fair +proportion" by grubbing toil. The foot which might have excited the +admiration of a ball-room, peeping under a flounce of lace in a satin +shoe, and treading the mazy dance, _will_ grow coarse and broad by +tramping in its native state over toilsome miles, bearing perchance to +a market town some few eggs, whose whole produce would not purchase the +sandal-tie of my lady's slipper; will grow red and rough by standing in +wet trenches, and feeling the winter's frost. The neck on which diamonds +might have worthily sparkled, will look less tempting when the biting +winter has hung icicles there for gems. Cheeks formed as fresh for +dimpling blushes, eyes as well to sparkle, and lips to smile, as those +which shed their brightness and their witchery in the tapestried saloon, +will grow pale with want, and forget their dimples, when smiles are +not there to wake them; lips become compressed and drawn with anxious +thought, and eyes the brightest are quenched of their fires by many +tears. + +Of all these trials poor Widow Rooney had enough. Her husband, after +living with her a month, in the character of a steward to some great man +in a distant part of the country, left her one day for the purpose +of transacting business at a fair, which, he said, would require his +absence for some time. At the end of a week, a letter was sent to her, +stating that the make-believe steward had robbed his master extensively, +and had fled to America, whence he promised to write to her, and send +her means to follow him, requesting, in the meantime, her silence, in +case any inquiry should be made about him. This villanous trick was +played off the more readily, from the fact that a steward had absconded +at the time, and the difference in the name the cruel profligate +accounted for by saying that, as he was hiding at the moment he married +her, he had assumed another name. + +The poor deserted girl, fully believing this trumped-up tale, obeyed +with unflinching fidelity the injunctions of her betrayer; and while +reports were flying abroad of the absconded steward, she never breathed +a word of, what had been confided to her, and accounted for the absence +of "Rooney" in various ways of her own; so that all trace of the +profligate was lost, by her remaining inactive in making the smallest +inquiry about him, and her very fidelity to her betrayer became the +means of her losing all power of procuring his discovery. For months she +trusted all was right; but when moon followed moon, and she gave birth +to a boy without hearing one word of his father, misgiving came upon +her, and the only consolation left her was, that, though she was +deserted, and a child left on her hands, still she was _an honest +woman_. That child was the hero of our tale. The neighbours passed some +ill-natured remarks about her, when it began to be suspected that her +husband would never let her know more about him; for she had been rather +a saucy lady, holding up her nose at poor men, and triumphing in her +catching of the "steward," a man well to do in the world; and it may be +remembered, that this same spirit existed in her when Andy's rumoured +marriage with Matty gave the prospect of her affairs being retrieved, +for she displayed her love of pre-eminence to the very first person who +gave her the good news. The ill-nature of her neighbours, however, after +the birth of her child and the desertion of her husband, inducing her +to leave the scene of her unmerited wrongs and annoyances, she suddenly +decamped, and, removing to another part of Ireland, the poor woman began +a life of hardship, to support herself and rear the offspring of her +unfortunate marriage. In this task she was worthily assisted by one of +her brothers, who pitied her condition, and joined her in her retreat. +He married in course of time, and his wife died in giving birth to +Oonah, who was soon deprived of her other parent by typhus fever, that +terrible scourge of the poor; so that the praiseworthy desire of the +brother to befriend his sister only involved her, as it happened, in the +deeper difficulty of supporting two children instead of one. This she +did heroically, and the orphan girl rewarded her, by proving a greater +comfort than her own child; for Andy had inherited in all its raciness +the blood of the Scatterbrains, and his deeds, as recorded in this +history, prove he was no unworthy representative of that illustrious +title. To return to his father--who had done the grievous wrong to the +poor peasant girl: he lived his life of profligacy through, and in +a foreign country died at last; but on his death-bed the scourge of +conscience rendered every helpless hour an age of woe. Bitterest of all +was the thought of the wife deceived, deserted, and unacknowledged. To +face his last account with such fearful crime upon his head he dared +not, and made all the reparation now in his power, by avowing his +marriage in his last will and testament, and giving all the information +in his power to trace his wife, if living, or his heir, if such existed. +He enjoined, by the most sacred injunctions upon him to whom the charge +was committed, that neither cost nor trouble should be spared in the +search, leaving a large sum in ready money besides, to establish the +right, in case his nephew disputed the will. By his own order, his death +was kept secret, and secretly his agent set to work to discover any +trace of the heir. This, in consequence of the woman changing her place +of abode, became more difficult and it was not until after very minute +inquiry that some trace was picked up, and a letter written to the +parish priest of the district to which she had removed, making certain +general inquiries. It was found, on comparing dates some time after, +that it was this very letter to Father Blake which Andy had purloined +from the post-office, and the Squire had thrown into the fire; so that +our hero was very near, by his blundering, destroying his own fortune. +Luckily for him, however, an untiring and intelligent agent was engaged +in his cause, and a subsequent inquiry, and finally a personal visit to +Father Blake, cleared the matter up satisfactorily, and the widow was +enabled to produce such proof of her identity, and that of her son, that +Handy Andy was indisputably Lord Scatterbrain; and the whole affair was +managed so secretly, that the death of the late lord, and the claim of +title and estates in the name of the rightful heir, were announced at +the same moment; and the "Honourable Sackville," instead of coming into +possession of the peerage and property, and fighting his adversary at +the great advantage of possession, could only commence a suit to drive +him out, if he sued at all. + +Our limits compel us to this brief sketch of the circumstances through +which Handy Andy was entitled to and became possessed of a property and +a title, and we must now say something of the effects produced by the +intelligence on the parties most concerned. + +The Honourable Sackville Scatterbrain, on the advice of high legal +authority, did not attempt to dispute a succession of which such +satisfactory proofs existed, and, fortunately for himself, had knocked +up a watering-place match, while he was yet in the bloom of +heirship _presumptive_ to a peerage, with the daughter of an English +_millionaire_. + +When the Widow Rooney heard the extraordinary turn affairs had taken, +her emotions, after the first few hours of pleasurable surprise, partook +of regret rather than satisfaction. She looked upon her past life of +suffering, and felt as if Fate had cheated her. She, a peeress, had +passed her life in poverty and suffering, with contempt from those over +whom she had superior rights; and the few years of the prosperous future +before her offered her poor compensation for the pinching past. But +after such selfish considerations, the maternal feeling came to her +relief, and she rejoiced that _her son_ was a lord. But then came the +terrible thought of his marriage to dash her joy and triumph. + +This was a source of grief to Oonah as well. "If he wasn't married," she +would say to herself, "I might be _Lady_ Scatterbrain;" and the tears +would burst through poor Oonah's fingers as she held them up to her eyes +and sobbed heavily, till the poor girl would try to gather consolation +from the thought that, maybe, Andy's altered circumstances would make +_her_ disregarded. "There would be plenty to have him now," thought she, +"and he wouldn't think of me, maybe--so 't is well as it is." + +When Andy heard that he was a lord--a real lord--and, after the first +shock of astonishment, could comprehend that wealth and power were in +his possession, he, though the most interested person, never thought, +as the two women had done, of the desperate strait in which his marriage +placed him, but broke out into short peals of laughter, and exclaimed +in the intervals, "that it was mighty quare;" and when, after much +questioning, any intelligible desire he had could be understood, the +first one he clearly expressed was _"to have a goold watch."_ + +He was made, however, to understand that other things than +"goold watches" were of more importance; and the Squire, with his +characteristic good nature, endeavoured to open Andy's comprehension +to the nature of his altered situation. This, it may be supposed, was +rather a complicated piece of work, and too difficult to be set down +in black and white; the most intelligible portions to Andy were his +immediate removal from servitude, and a ready-made suit of gentlemanly +apparel, which made Andy pay several visits to the looking-glass. +Good-natured as the Squire was, it would have been equally awkward to +him as to Andy for the newly fledged lord, though a lord, to have a seat +at his table, neither could he remain in an inferior position in his +house; so Dick, who loved fun, volunteered to take Andy under his +especial care to London, and let him share his lodgings, as a bachelor +may do many things which a man surrounded by his family cannot. Besides, +in a place distant from such extraordinary chances and changes as those +which befell our hero, the sudden and startling difference of position +of the parties not being known renders it possible for a gentleman to +do the good-natured thing which Dick undertook, without compromising +himself. In Dublin it would not have done for Dick Dawson to allow the +man who would have held his horse the day before, to share the same +board with him merely because Fortune had played one of her frolics and +made Andy a lord; but in London the case was different. + +To London therefore they proceeded. The incidents of the journey, +sea-sickness included, which so astonished the new traveller, we pass +over, as well as the numberless mistakes in the great metropolis, which +afforded Dick plentiful amusement, though, in truth, Dick had better +objects in view than laughing at Andy's embarrassments in his new +position. He really wished to help him in the difficult path into which +the new lord had been thrust, and did this in a merry sort of way more +successfully than by serious drilling. It was hard to break Andy of +the habit of saying "Misther Dick," when addressing him, but, at last, +"Misther Dawson" was established. Eating with his knife, drinking as +loudly as a horse, and other like accomplishments, were not so easily +got under, yet it was wonderful how much he improved, as his shyness +grew less, and his consciousness of being a lord grew stronger. + +But, if the good nature of Dick had not prompted him to take Andy into +training, the newly discovered nobleman would not have long been in +want of society. It was wonderful how many persons were eager to show +civility to his lordship, and some amongst them even went so far as to +discover relationship. Plenty were soon ready to take Lord Scatterbrain +here, and escort him there, accompany him to exhibitions and +other public places, and charmed all the time with his lordship's +remarks--"they were so original"--"quite delightful to meet something +so fresh"--"how remarkably clever the Irish were!" Such were among the +observations his ignorant blunders produced; and he who, as Handy Andy, +had been anathematised all his life as a "stupid rascal," "a +blundering thief," "a thick-headed brute," &c., under the title of +Lord Scatterbrain all of a sudden was voted "vastly amusing--a little +eccentric, perhaps, but _so_ droll--in fact, so witty!" This was all +very delightful for Andy--so delightful that he quite forgot Bridget +_rhua_. But that lady did not leave him long in his happy obliviousness. +One day, while Dick was absent, and Andy rocking on a chair before +the fire, twirling the massive gold chain of his gold watch round his +forefinger, and uncoiling it again, his repose was suddenly disturbed +by the appearance of Bridget herself, accompanied by _Shan More_ and a +shrimp of a man in rusty black, who turned out to be a shabby attorney +who advanced money to convey his lady client and her brother to London, +for the purpose of making a dash at the lord at once, and securing a +handsome sum by a _coup de main_. + +Andy, though taken by surprise, was resolute. Bitter words were +exchanged; and as they seemed likely to lead to blows, Andy prudently +laid hold of the poker, and, in language not quite suited to a noble +lord, swore he would see what the inside of _Shan More's_ head was made +of, if he attempted to advance upon him. Bridget screamed and +scolded, while the attorney endeavoured to keep the peace, and, beyond +everything, urged Lord Scatterbrain to enter at once into written +engagements for a handsome settlement upon his "lady." + +"Lady!" exclaimed Andy; "oh!--a pretty _lady_ she is!" + +"I'm as good a lady as you are a lord, anyhow," cried Bridget. + +"Altercation will do no good, my lord and my lady," said the attorney; +"let me suggest the propriety of your writing an engagement at once;" +and the little man pushed pen, ink, and paper towards Andy. + +"I can't, I tell you!" cried Andy. + +"You must!" roared _Shan More_. + +"Bad luck to you, how can I when I never larned?" + +"Your lordship can make your mark," said the attorney. + +"'Faith I can--with a poker," cried Andy; "and you'd better take care, +master parchment. Make my mark, indeed!--do you think I'd disgrace +the House o' Peers by lettin' on that a lord couldn't write?--Quit the +buildin', I tell you!" + +In the midst of the row, which now rose to a tremendous pitch, Dick +returned; and after a severe reprimand to the pettifogger for his +sinister attempt on Andy, referred him to Lord Scatterbrain's solicitor. +It was not such an easy matter to silence Bridget, who extended her +claws towards her lord and master in a very menacing manner, calling +down bitter imprecations on her own head if she wouldn't have her +rights. + +Every now and then between the bursts of the storm Andy would exclaim, +"Get out!" + +"My lord," said Dick, "remember your dignity." + +"Av coorse!" said Andy; "but still she must get out!" + +The house was at last cleared of the uproarious party; but though +Andy got rid of their presence, they left their sting behind. Lord +Scatterbrain felt, for the first time, that a lord can be very unhappy. + +Dick hurried him away at once to the chambers of the law agent, but he, +being closeted on some very important business with another client on +their arrival, returned an answer to their application for a conference, +which they forwarded through the double doors of this sanctum by a +hard-looking man with a pen behind his ear, that he could not have the +pleasure of seeing them till the next morning. Lord Scatterbrain passed +a more unhappy night than he had ever done in his life--even than that +when he was tied up to the old tree--croaked at by ravens, and the +despised of rats. + +Negotiations were opened the next day between the pettifogger on +Bridget's side and the law agent of the noble lord, and the arguments, +_pro and con.,_ lay thus: + +In the first place, the opening declaration was--Lord Scatterbrain never +would live with the aforesaid Bridget. + +Answered--that nevertheless, as she was his lawful wife, a provision +suitable to her rank must be made. + +They (the claimants) were asked to name a sum. + +The sum was considered exorbitant; it being argued that when her +husband had determined never to live with her, he was in a far +different condition, therefore it was unfair to seek so large a separate +maintenance now. + +The pettifogger threatened that Lady Scatterbrain would run in debt, +which Lord Scatterbrain must discharge. My Lord's agent suggested +that my Lady would be advertised in the public papers, and the public +cautioned against giving her credit. + +A sum could not be agreed upon, though a fair one was offered on Andy's +part; for the greediness of the pettifogger, who was to have a share of +the plunder, made him hold out for more, and negotiations were broken +off for some days. + +Poor Andy was in a wretched state of vexation. It was bad enough that +he was married to this abominable woman, without an additional plague of +being persecuted by her. To such an amount this rose at last, that she +and her big brother dodged him every time he left the house, so that +in self-defence he was obliged to become a close prisoner in his own +lodgings. All this at last became so intolerable to the captive, that +he urged a speedy settlement of the vexatious question, and a larger +separate maintenance was granted to the detestable woman than would +otherwise have been ceded, the only stipulation of a stringent nature +made being, that Lord Scatterbrain should be free from the persecutions +of his hateful wife for the future. + + + + +CHAPTER XLIX + + +Squire Egan, with his lady and Fanny Dawson, had now arrived in London; +Murtough Murphy, too, had joined them, his services being requisite in +working the petition against the return of the sitting member for the +county. This had so much promise of success about it, that the opposite +party, who had the sheriff for the county in their interest, bethought +of a novel expedient to frustrate the petition when a reference to the +poll was required. + +They declared the principal poll-book was lost. + +This seemed not very satisfactory to one side of the committee, and the +question was asked, "how could it be lost?" The answer was one which +Irish contrivance alone could have invented: _"It fell into a pot of +broth, and the dog ate it."_ [Footnote: If not this identical answer, +something like it was given on a disputed Irish election, before a +Committee of the House of Commons.] + +This protracted the contest for some time; but eventually, in spite of +the dog's devouring knowledge so greedily, the Squire was declared duly +elected and took the oaths and his seat for the county. + +It was hard on Sackville Scatterbrain to lose his seat in the house and +a peerage, nearly at once; but the latter loss threw the former so far +into the shade, that he scarcely felt it. Besides, he could +console himself with having buttered his crumbs pretty well in the +marriage-market; and, with a rich wife, retired from senatorial drudgery +to private repose, which was much more congenial to his easy temper. + +But while the Squire's happy family circle was rejoicing in his +triumph--while he was invited to the Speaker's dinners, and the ladies +were looking forward to tickets for "the lantern," their pleasure was +suddenly dashed by fatal news from Ireland. + +A serious accident had befallen Major Dawson--so serious, that his life +was despaired of; and an immediate return to Ireland by all who were +interested in his life was the consequence. + +Though the suddenness of this painful event shocked his family, the +act which caused it did not surprise them; for it was one against which +Major Dawson had been repeatedly cautioned, involving a danger he had +been affectionately requested not to tempt; but the habitual obstinacy +of his nature prevailed, and he persisted in doing that which his +son--and his daughters--and friends--prophesied _would_ kill him some +time or other, and _did_, at last. The Major had three little iron guns, +mounted on carriages, on a terrace in front of his house; and it was his +wont to fire a salute on certain festival days from these guns, which, +from age and exposure to the weather, became dangerous to use. It was in +vain that this danger was represented to him. He would reply, with his +accustomed "Pooh, pooh! I have been firing these guns for forty years, +and they won't do me any harm now." + +This was the prime fault of the Major's character. Time and +circumstances were never taken into account by him; what was done once, +might be done _always_--_ought_ to be done always. The bare thought of +change of any sort, to him, was unbearable; and whether it was a rotten +old law or a rotten old gun, he would charge both up to the muzzle and +fire away, regardless of consequences. The result was, that on a certain +festival his _favourite_ gun burst in discharging; and the last mortal +act of which the Major was conscious, was that of putting the port-fire +to the touchhole, for a heavy splinter of iron struck him on the head, +and though he lived for some days afterwards, he was insensible. Before +his children arrived he was no more; and the only duty left them to +perform was the melancholy one of ordering his funeral. + +The obsequies of the old Major were honoured by a large and +distinguished attendance from all parts of the country; and amongst +those who bore the pall was Edward O'Connor, who had the melancholy +gratification of testifying his respect beside the grave of Fanny's +father, though the severe old man had banished him from his presence +during his lifetime. + +But now all obstacle to the union of Edward and Fanny was removed; and +after the lapse of a few days had softened the bitter grief which this +sudden bereavement of her father had produced, Edward received a note +from Dick, inviting him to the manor-house, where _all_ would be glad to +see him. + +In a few minutes after the receipt of that note Edward was in his +saddle, and swiftly leaving the miles behind him till, from the top of +a rising ground, the roof of the manor-house appeared above the trees +in which it was embosomed. He had not till then slackened his speed; but +now drawing rein, he proceeded at a slower pace towards the house he had +not entered for some years, and the sight of which awakened such varied +emotions. + +To return after long years of painful absence to some place which has +been the scene of our former joys, and whence the force of circumstance, +and not choice, has driven us, is oppressive to the heart. There is a +mixed sense of regret and rejoicing, which struggle for predominance; +we rejoice that our term of exile has expired, but we regret the years +which that exile has deducted from the brief amount of human life, never +to be recalled, and therefore as so much _lost_ to us. We think of the +wrong or the caprice of which we have been the victims, and thoughts +will stray across the most confiding heart, if friends shall meet as +fondly as they parted; or if time, while impressing deeper marks upon +the _outward_ form, may have obliterated some impressions _within_. Who +has returned after years of absence, however assured of the unflinching +fidelity of the love he left behind, without saying to himself, in the +pardonable yearning of affection, "Shall I meet smiles as bright as +those that used to welcome me? Shall I be pressed as fondly within the +arms whose encompassment were to me the pale of all earthly enjoyment?" + +Such thoughts crowded on Edward as he approached the house. There was +not a lane, or tree, or hedge, by the way, that had not for him +its association. He reached the avenue gate; as he flung it open he +remembered the last time he passed it; Fanny had then leaned on his +arm. He felt himself so much excited, that, instead of riding up to the +house, he took the private path to the stables, and throwing down the +reins to a boy, he turned into a shrubbery and endeavoured to recover +his self-command before he should present himself. As he emerged from +the sheltered path and turned into a walk which led to the garden, a +small conservatory was opened to his view, awaking fresh sensations. +It was in that very place he had first ventured to declare his love to +Fanny. There she heard and frowned not; there, where nature's choicest +sweets were exhaling, he had first pressed her to his heart, and thought +the balmy sweetness of her lips beyond them all. He hurried forward in +the enthusiasm the recollection recalled, to enter that spot consecrated +in his memory; but on arriving at the door, he suddenly stopped, for he +saw Fanny within. She was plucking a geranium--the flower she had been +plucking some years before, when Edward said he loved her. She, all that +morning, had been under the influence of feelings similar to Edward's; +had felt the same yearnings--the same tender doubts--the same fond +solicitude that he should be the same Edward from whom she parted. +But she thought of _more_ than this; with the exquisitely delicate +contrivance belonging to woman's nature, she wished to give him a signal +of her fond recollection, and was plucking the flower she gathered +when he declared his love, to place on her bosom when they should meet. +Edward felt the meaning of her action, as the graceful hand broke the +flower from its stem. He would have rushed towards her at once, but that +the deep mourning in which she was arrayed seemed to command a gentler +approach; for grief commands respect. He advanced softly--she heard a +gentle step behind her--turned--uttered a faint exclamation of joy, and +sank into his arms! In a few moments she recovered her consciousness, +and opening her sweet eyes upon him, breathed softly, "dear +Edward!"--and the lips which, in two words, had expressed so much, +were impressed with a fervent kiss in the blessed consciousness of +possession, on that very spot where the first timid and doubting word of +love had been spoken. + +In that moment he was rewarded for all his years of absence and anxiety. +His heart was satisfied; he felt he was dear as ever to the woman he +idolised, and the short and hurried beating of _both_ their hearts told +more than words could express. Words!--what were words to them?--thought +was too swift for their use, and feeling too strong for their utterance; +but they drank from each other's eyes large draughts of delight, and, +in the silent pressure of each other's welcoming embrace, felt how truly +they loved each other. + +He led her gently from the conservatory, and they exchanged words of +affection "soft and low," as they sauntered through the wooded path +which surrounded the house. That live-long day they wandered up and down +together, repeating again and again the anxious yearnings which occupied +their years of separation, yet asking each other was not all more than +repaid by the gladness of the present-- + +"Yet _how_ painful has been the past!" exclaimed Edward. + +"But _now!_" said Fanny, with a gentle pressure of her tiny hand on +Edward's arm, and looking up to him with her bright eyes--"but _now!_" + +"True, darling!" he cried; "'tis ungrateful to think of the past while +enjoying such a present and with such a future before me. Bless that +cheerful heart, and those hope-inspiring glances! Oh, Fanny! in the +wilderness of life there are springs and palm-trees--you are both to +me! and heaven has set its own mark upon you in those laughing blue eyes +which might set despair at defiance." + +"Poetical as ever, Edward!" said Fanny, laughing. + +"Sit down, dearest, for a moment, on this old tree, beside me; 'tis not +the first time I have strung rhymes in your presence and your praise." +He took a small note-book from his pocket, and Fanny looked on smilingly +as Edward's pencil rapidly ran over the leaf and traced the lover's +tribute to his mistress. + +THE SUNSHINE IN YOU + +I + + "It is sweet when we look round the wide world's waste + To know that the desert bestows + The palms where the weary heart may rest, + The spring that in purity flows. + And where have I found + In this wilderness round + That spring and that shelter so true; + Unfailing in need, + And my own, indeed?-- + Oh! dearest, I've found it in you! + +II + + "And, oh when the cloud of some darkening hour + O'ershadows the soul with its gloom, + Then where is the light of the vestal pow'r, + The lamp of pale Hope to illume? + Oh! the light ever lies + In those bright fond eyes, + Where Heaven has impressed its own blue + As a seal from the skies + As my heart relies + On that gift of its sunshine in you!" + +Fanny liked the lines, of course. "Dearest," she said, "may I always +prove sunshine to you! Is it not a strange coincidence that these lines +exactly fit a little air which occurred to me some time ago?" + +"'Tis odd," said Edward; "sing it to me, darling." + +Fanny took the verses from his hand, and sung them to her own measure. +Oh, happy triumph of the poet!--to hear his verses wedded to sweet +sounds, and warbled by the woman he loves! Edward caught up the strain, +adding his voice to hers in harmony, and thus they sauntered homewards, +trolling their ready-made duet together. There were not two happier +hearts in the world that day than those of Fanny Dawson and Edward +O'Connor. + + + + +CHAPTER L + + +Respect for the memory of Major Dawson of course prevented the immediate +marriage of Edward and Fanny; but the winter months passed cheerfully +away in looking forward to the following autumn which should witness +the completion of their happiness. Though Edward was thus tempted by +the society of the one he loved best in the world, it did not make him +neglect the duties he had undertaken in behalf of Gustavus. Not only did +he prosecute his reading with him regularly, but he took no small pains +in looking after the involved affairs of the family, and strove to make +satisfactory arrangements with those whose claims were gnawing away the +estate to nothing. Though the years of Gusty's minority were but few, +still they would give the estate some breathing-time; and creditors, +seeing the minor backed by a man of character, and convinced a sincere +desire existed to relieve the estate of its encumbrances and pay all +just claims, presented a less threatening front than hitherto, and +listened readily to such terms of accommodation as were proposed +to them. Uncle Robert (for the breaking of whose neck Ratty's pious +aspirations had been raised) behaved very well on the occasion. A loan +from him, and a partial sale of some of the acres, stopped the mouths +of the greedy wolves who fatten on men's ruin, and time and economy were +looked forward to for the discharge of all other debts. Uncle Robert, +having so far acted the friend, was considered entitled to have a +partial voice in the ordering of things at the Hall; and having a notion +that an English accent was genteel, he desired that Gusty and Ratty +should pass a year under the roof of a clergyman in England, who +received a limited number of young gentlemen for the completion of +their education. Gustavus would much rather have remained near Edward +O'Connor, who had already done so much for him; but Edward, though +he regretted parting with Gustavus, recommended him to accede to +his uncle's wishes, though he did not see the necessity of an Irish +gentleman being ashamed of his accent. + +The visit to England, however, was postponed till the spring, and the +winter months were used by Gustavus in availing himself as much as he +could of Edward's assistance in putting him through his classics, +his pride prompting him to present himself creditably to the English +clergyman. + +It was in vain to plead _such_ pride to Ratty, who paid more attention +to shooting than his lessons. His mother strove to persuade--Ratty +was deaf. His "gran" strove to bribe--Ratty was incorruptible. Gusty +argued--Ratty answered after his own fashion. + +"Why won't you learn even a little?" + +"I'm to go to that 'English fellow' in spring, and I shall have no fun +then, so I'm making good use of my time now." + +"Do you call it 'good use' to be so dreadfully idle and shamefully +ignorant?" + +"Bother!--the less I know, the more the English fellow will have to +teach me, and Uncle Bob will have more worth for his money;" and then +Ratty would whistle a jig, fling a fowling-piece over his shoulder, +and shout "Ponto! Ponto! Ponto!" as he traversed the stable-yard; the +delighted pointer would come bounding at the call, and, after circling +round his young master with agile grace and yelps of glee at the sight +of the gun, dash forward to the well-known "bottoms" in eager expectancy +of ducks and snipe. How fared it all this time with the lord of +Scatterbrain? He became established, for the present, in a house that +had been a long time to let in the neighbourhood, and his mother was +placed at the head of it, and Oonah still remained under his protection, +though the daily sight of the girl added to Andy's grief at the +desperate plight in which his ill-starred marriage placed him, to say +nothing of the constant annoyance of his mother's growling at him for +his making "such a Judy of himself;" for the dowager Lady Scatterbrain +could not get rid of her vocabulary at once. Andy's only resource under +these circumstances was to mount his horse and fly. + +As for the dowager Lady Scatterbrain, she had a carriage with "a +picture" on it, as she called the coat of arms, and was fond of driving +past the houses of people who had been uncivil to her. Against Mrs. +Casey (the renowned Matty Dwyer) she entertained an especial spite, in +consideration of her treatment of her beautiful boy and her own pair +of black eyes; so she determined to "pay her off" in her own way, and +stopping one day at the hole in the hedge which served for entrance to +the estate of the "three-cornered field," she sent the footman in to say +the _dowjer_ Lady Scatter_breen_ wanted to speak with "Casey's wife." + +When the servant, according to instructions, delivered this message, he +was sent back with the answer, "that if any lady wanted to see Casey's +wife, 'Casey's wife,' was at home." + +"Oh, go back, and tell the poor woman I don't want to bring her to the +door of my carriage, if it's inconvaynient. I only wished to give her +a little help; and tell her if she sends up eggs to the big house, Lady +Scatterbreen will pay her for them." + +When the servant delivered this message, Matty grew outrageous at the +means "my lady" took of crowing over her, and rushing to the door, with +her face flushed with rage, roared out, "Tell the old baggage I want +none of her custom; let her lay eggs for herself." + +The servant staggered back in amaze; and Matty, feeling he would not +deliver her message, ran to the hole in the hedge and repeated her +answer to my lady herself, with a great deal more which need not be +recorded. Suffice it to say, my lady thought it necessary to pull up the +glass, against which Matty threw a handful of mud; the servant jumped up +on his perch behind the carriage, which was rapidly driven away by the +coachman, but not so fast that Matty could not, by dint of running, keep +it "within range" for some seconds, during which time she contrived to +pelt both coachman and footman with mud, and leave her mark on their +new livery. This was a salutary warning to the old woman, who was more +cautious in her demonstrations of grandeur for the future. If she was +stinted in the enjoyment of her new-born dignity abroad, she could +indulge it at home without let or hindrance, and to this end asked Andy +to let her have a hundred pounds, in one-pound notes, for a particular +purpose. What this purpose was no one was told or could guess, but for +a good while after she used to be closeted by herself for several hours +during the day. + +Andy had his hours of retirement also, for with praiseworthy industry he +strove hard, poor fellow, to lift himself above the state of ignorance, +and had daily attendance from the parish schoolmaster. The mysteries of +"pothooks and hangers" and ABC weighed heavily on the nobleman's mind, +which must have sunk under the burden of scholarship and penmanship, +but for the other "ship"--the horsemanship--which was Andy's daily +self-established reward for his perseverance in his lessons. Besides he +really _could_ ride; and as it was the only accomplishment of which he +was master, it was no wonder he enjoyed the display of it; and, to say +the truth, he did, and that on a first-rate horse too. Having appointed +Murtough Murphy his law-agent, he often rode over to the town to talk +with him, and as Murtough could have some fun and thirteen and fourpence +also per visit, he was always glad to see his "noble friend." The high +road did not suit Andy's notion of things; he preferred the variety, +shortness, and diversion of going across the country on these occasions; +and in one of these excursions, in the most secluded portion of his +ride, which unavoidably lay through some quarries and deep broken +ground, he met "Ragged Nance," who held up her finger as he approached +the gorge of this lonely dell, in token that she would speak with him. +Andy pulled up. + +"Long life to you, my lord," said Nance, dropping a deep curtsey, "and +sure I always liked you since the night you was so bowld for the sake +of the poor girl--the young lady, I mane, now, God bless her--and I just +wish to tell you, my lord, that I think you might as well not be going +these lonely ways, for I see _them_ hanging about here betimes, that +maybe it would not be good for your health to meet; and sure, my lord, +it would be a hard case if you were killed now, havin' the luck of the +sick calf that lived all the winther and died in the summer." + +"Is it that big blackguard, _Shan More_, you mane?" said Andy. + +"No less," said Nance--growing deadly pale as she cast a piercing +glance into the dell, and cried, in a low, hurried tone--"Talk of the +divil--and there he is--I see him peep out from behind a rock." + +"He's running this way," said Andy. + +"Then you run the other way," said Nance; "look there--I see him strive +to hide a blunderbuss under his coat--gallop off, for the love o' God! +or there'll be murther." + +"Maybe there will be that same," said Andy, "if I leave you here, and +he suspects you gave me the hard word." [Footnote: "Hard word" implies a +caution.] + +"Never mind me," said Nance, "save yourself--see, he's moving fast, +he'll be near enough to you soon to fire." + +"Get up behind me," said Andy; "I won't leave you here." + +"Run, I tell you." + +"I won't." + +"God bless you, then," said the woman, as Andy held out his hand and +gripped hers firmly. + +"Put your foot on mine," said Andy. + +The woman obeyed, and was soon seated behind our hero, gripping him fast +by the waist, while he pushed his horse to a fast canter. + +"Hold hard now," said Andy, "for there's a stiff jump here." As he +approached the ditch of which he spoke, two men sprang up from it, and +one fired, as Andy cleared the leap in good style, Nance holding on +gallantly. The horse was not many strokes on the opposite side, when +another shot was fired in their rear, followed by a scream from +the woman. To Andy's inquiry, if she was "kilt," she replied in the +negative, but said "they hurt her sore," and she was "bleeding a power;" +but that she could still hold on, however, and urged him to speed. The +clearance of one or two more leaps gave her grievous pain; but a large +common soon opened before them, which was skirted by a road leading +directly to a farm-house, where Andy left the wounded woman, and then +galloped off for medical aid; this soon arrived, and the wound was found +not to be dangerous, though painful. The bullet had struck and pierced +a tin vessel of a bottle form, in which Nance carried the liquid +gratuities of the charitable, and this not only deadened the force of +the ball, but glanced it also; and the escapement of the butter-milk, +which the vessel contained, Nance had mistaken for the effusion of her +own blood. It was a clear case, however, that if Nance had not been +sitting behind Andy, Lord Scatterbrain would have been a dead man, so +that his gratitude and gallantry towards the poor beggar woman proved +the means of preserving his own life. + + + + +CHAPTER LI + + +The news of the attack on Lord Scatterbrain ran over the country like +wildfire, and his conduct throughout the affair raised his character +wonderfully in the opinion of all classes. Many who had hitherto held +aloof from the mushroom lord, came forward to recognise the manly +fellow, and cards were left at "the big house," which were never seen +there before. The magistrates were active in the affair, and a reward +was immediately offered for the apprehension of the offenders; but +before any active steps could be taken by the authorities, Andy, +immediately after the attack, collected a few stout fellows himself, and +knowing where the den of Shan and his miscreants lay, he set off at the +head of his party to try if he could not secure them himself; but before +he did this, he despatched a vehicle to the farmhouse, where poor Nance +lay wounded, with orders that she should be removed to his own house, +the doctor having said that the transit would not be injurious. + +A short time served to bring Andy and his followers to the private +still, where a little looking about enabled them to discover the +entrance, which was covered by some large stones, and a bunch of furze +placed as a mask to the opening. It was clear that it was impossible for +any persons inside to have thus covered the entrance, and it suggested +the possibility that some of its usual inmates were then absent. +Nevertheless, having such desperate characters to deal with, it was a +service of danger to be leader in the descent to the cavern when the +opening was cleared; but Andy was the first to enter, which he did +boldly, only desiring his attendants to follow him quickly, and give him +support in case of resistance. A lantern had been provided, Andy knowing +the darkness of the den; and the party was thereby enabled to explore +with celerity and certainty the hidden haunt of the desperadoes. The +ashes of the fire were yet warm, but no one was to be seen, till Andy, +drawing the screen of the bed, discovered a man lying in a seemingly +helpless state, breathing with difficulty, and the straw about him +dabbled with blood. On attempting to lift him, the wretch groaned +heavily and muttered, "D--n you, let me alone--you've done for me--I'm +dying." + +The man was gently carried from the cave to the open air, which seemed +slightly to revive him. His eyes opened heavily, but closed again; yet +still he breathed. His wounds were staunched as well as the limited +means and knowledge of the parties present allowed; and the ladder, +drawn up from the cave and overlaid with tufts of heather, served to +bear the sufferer to the nearest house, whence Andy ordered a mounted +messenger to hurry for a doctor. The man seemed to hear what was going +forward, for he faintly muttered, "the priest--the priest." + +Andy, anxious to procure this most essential comfort to the dying man, +went himself in search of Father Blake, whom he found at home, and who +suggested that a magistrate might be also useful upon the occasion; and +as Merryvale lay not much out of the way, Andy made a detour to obtain +the presence of Squire Egan, while Father Blake pushed directly onward +upon his ghostly mission. + +Andy and the Squire arrived soon after the priest had administered +spiritual comfort to the sufferer, who still retained sufficient +strength to make his depositions before the Squire, the purport of which +turned out to be of the utmost importance to Andy. + +This man, it appeared, _was the husband of Bridget_, who had returned +from transportation, and sought his wife and her dear brother, and his +former lawless associates, on reaching Ireland. On finding Bridget +had married again, his anger at her infidelity was endeavoured to be +appeased by the representations made to him that it was a "good job," +inasmuch as "the lord" had been screwed out of a good sum of money by +way of separate maintenance, and that he would share the advantage of +that. When matters were more explained, however, and the convict found +this money was divided among so many, who all claimed right of share +in the plunder, his discontent returned. In the first place, the +pettifogger made a large haul for his services. Shan More swore it was +hard if a woman's own brother was not to be the better for her luck; and +Larry Hogan claimed hush-money, for he could prove Bridget's marriage, +and so upset their scheme of plunder. The convict maintained his claim +as husband was stronger than any; but this, all the others declared, was +an outlandish notion he brought back with him from foreign parts, and +did not prevail in their code of laws by any manner o' means, and even +went so far as to say they thought it hard, after they had "done the +job," that he was to come in and lessen their profit, which he would, as +they were willing to give an even share of the spoil; and after that, +he must be the most discontented villain in the world if he was not +pleased. + +The convict feigned contentment, but meditated at once revenge against +his wife and the gang, and separate profit for himself. He thought he +might stipulate for a good round sum from Lord Scatterbrain, as he could +prove him free of his supposed matrimonial engagement, and inwardly +resolved he would soon pay a visit to his lordship. But his intentions +were suspected by the gang, and a strict watch kept upon him; and though +his dissimulation and contrivance were of no inferior order, Larry Hogan +was his overmatch, and the convict was detected in having been so near +Lord Scatterbrain's dwelling, that they feared their secret, if not +already revealed, was no longer to be trusted to their new confederate's +keeping; and it was deemed advisable to knock him on the head, and shoot +my lord, which they thought would prevent all chance of the invalidity +of the marriage being discovered, and secure the future payment of the +maintenance. + +How promptly the murderous determination was acted upon, the preceding +events prove. Andy's courage in the first part of the affair saved his +life; his promptness in afterwards seeking to secure the offenders +led to the important discovery he had just made; and as the convict's +depositions could be satisfactorily backed by proofs which he showed the +means of obtaining, Andy was congratulated heartily by the Squire and +Father Blake, and rode home in almost delirious delight at the prospect +of making Oonah his wife. On reaching the stables, he threw himself from +his saddle, let the horse make his own way to his stall, dashed through +the back hall, and nearly broke his neck in tumbling up-stairs, burst +open the drawing-room door, and made a rush upon Oonah, whom he hugged +and kissed most outrageously, amidst exclamations of the wildest +affection. + +Oonah, half strangled and struggling for breath, at last freed herself +from his embraces, and asked him, angrily, what he was about--in which +inquiry she was backed by his mother. + +Andy answered by capering round the room, shouting, "Hurroo! I'm not +married at all--hurroo!" He turned over the chairs, upset the tables, +threw the mantelpiece ornaments into the fire, seized the poker and +tongs, and banged them together as he continued dancing and shouting. + +Oonah and his mother stood gazing at his antics in trembling amazement, +till at last the old woman exclaimed, "Holy Vargin! he's gone mad!" +whereupon she and her niece set up a violent screaming, which called +Andy back to his propriety, and, as well as his excitement would permit, +he told them the cause of his extravagant joy. His wonder and delight +were shared by his mother and the blushing Oonah, who did not struggle +so hard in Andy's embrace on his making a second vehement demonstration +of his love for her. + +"Let me send for Father Blake, my jewel," said Andy, "and I'll marry you +at once." + +His mother reminded him he must first have his present marriage proved +invalid. Andy uttered several pieces of _original_ eloquence on "the +law's delay." + +"Well, anyhow," said he, "I'll drink your health, my darling girl, this +day, as Lady Scatterbrain--for you must consider yourself as sitch." + +"Behave yourself, my lord," said Oonah, archly. + +"Bother!" cried Andy, snatching another kiss. + +"Hillo!" cried Dick Dawson, entering at the moment, and seeing the +romping-match. "You're losing no time, I see, Andy." + +Oonah was running from the room, laughing and blushing, when Dick +interposed, and cried, "Ah, don't go, 'my lady,' that _is to be_." + +Oonah slapped down the hand that barred her progress, exclaiming, +"You're just as bad as he is, Mister Dawson!" and ran away. + +Dick had ridden over, on hearing the news, to congratulate Andy, and +consented to remain and dine with him. Oonah had rather, after what +had taken place, he had not been there, for Dick backed Andy in his +tormenting the girl and joined heartily in drinking to Andy's toast, +which, according to promise, he gave to the health of the future Lady +Scatterbrain. + +It was impossible to repress Andy's wild delight; and in the excitement +of the hour he tossed off bumper after bumper to all sorts of +love-making toasts, till he was quite overcome by his potations, and +fit for no place but bed. To this last retreat of "the glorious" he was +requested to retire, and, after much coaxing, consented. He staggered +over to the window-curtain, which he mistook for that of the bed; in +vain they wanted to lead him elsewhere--he would sleep in no other bed +but _that_--and, backing out at the window-pane, he made a smash, of +which he seemed sensible, for he said it wasn't a fair trick to put +pins in the bed. "I know it was Oonah did that!--hip!--ha! ha! Lady +Scatterbrain!--never mind--hip!--I'll have my revenge on you yet!" + +They could not get him up-stairs, so his mother suggested he should +sleep in her room, which was on the same floor, for that night, and at +last he was got into the apartment. There he was assisted to disrobe, as +he stood swaying about at a dressing-table. Chancing to lay his hands on +a pill-box, he mistook it for his watch. + +"Stop--stop!" he stammered forth--"I must wind my watch;" and, suiting +the action to the word, he began twisting about the pill-box, the lid +of which came off and the pills fell about the floor. "Oh, murder!" +said Lord Scatterbrain, "the works of my watch are fallin' about the +flure--pick them up--pick them up--pick them up--" He could speak +no more, and becoming quite incapable of all voluntary action, was +undressed and put to bed, the last sound which escaped him being a faint +muttering--"pick them up." + + + + +CHAPTER THE LAST + + +The day following the eventful one just recorded, the miserable convict +breathed his last. A printed notice was posted in all the adjacent +villages, offering a reward for the apprehension of _Shan More_ and +"other persons unknown," for their murderous assault; and a small +reward was promised for such "private information as might lead to +the apprehension of the aforesaid," &c., &c. Larry Hogan at once came +forward and put the authorities on the scent, but still Shan and his +accomplices remained undiscovered. Larry's information on another +subject, however, was more effective. He gave his own testimony to the +previous marriage of Bridget, and pointed out the means of obtaining +more, so that, ere long, Lord Scatterbrain was a "free man." Though the +depositions of the murdered man did not directly implicate Larry in the +murderous attack, still it showed that he had participated in much +of their villany; but, as in difficult cases, we must put up with bad +instruments to reach the ends of justice, so this rascal was useful for +his evidence and private information, and got his reward. + +But he got his reward in more ways than one. He knew that he dare not +longer remain in the country after what had taken place, and set off +directly for Dublin by the mail, intending to proceed to England; but +England he never reached. As he was proceeding down the Custom-house +quay in the dusk of the evening, to get on ship-board, his arms were +suddenly seized and drawn behind him by a powerful grasp, while a woman +in front drew a handkerchief across his mouth, and stifled his attempted +cries. His bundle was dragged from him, and the woman ransacked his +pockets but they contained but a few shillings, Larry having hidden +the wages of his treachery to his confederates in the folds of his +neck-cloth. To pluck this from his throat, many a fierce wrench was made +by the woman, when her attempts on the pockets proved worthless; but the +handkerchief was knotted so tightly that she could not disengage it. +The approach of some passengers along the quay alarmed the assailants +of Larry, who, ere the iron grip released him, heard a deep curse in +his ear growled by a voice he well knew, and then he felt himself hurled +with gigantic force from the quay wall. Before the base, cheating, +faithless scoundrel could make one exclamation, he was plunged into +the Liffey--even before one mental aspiration for mercy, he was in +the throes of suffocation! The heavy splash in the water caught the +attention of those whose approach had alarmed the murderers, and seeing +a man and woman running, a pursuit commenced, which ended by Newgate +having two fresh tenants the next day. + +And so farewell to the entire of the abominable crew, whose evil doings +and merited fates have only been recorded when it became necessary +to our story. It is better to leave the debased and the profligate in +oblivion than drag their doings before the day; and it is with happy +consciousness an Irishman may assert, that there is plenty of subject +afforded by Irish character and Irish life honourable to the land, +pleasing to the narrator, and sufficiently attractive to the reader, +without the unwholesome exaggerations of crime which too often disfigure +the fictions which pass under the title of "Irish," alike offensive +to truth as to taste--alike injurious both for private and public +considerations. + + * * * * * + +It was in the following autumn that a particular chariot drove up to the +door of the Victoria Hotel, on the shore of Killarney lake. A young man +of elegant bearing handed a very charming young lady from the chariot; +aand that kindest and mos accommodating of hostesses, Mrs. F----, +welcomed the fresh arrival with her good-humoured and smiling face. + +Why, amidst the crowd of arrivals at the Victoria, one chariot should +be remarkable beyond another, arose from its quiet elegance, which might +strike even a casual observer; but the intelligent Mrs. F---- saw with +half an eye the owners must be high-bred people. To the apartments +already engaged for them they were shown; but few minutes were lost +within doors where such matchless natural beauty tempted them without. +A boat was immediately ordered, and then the newly arrived visitors were +soon on the lake. The boatmen had already worked hard that day, having +pulled one party completely round the lakes--no trifling task; but the +hardy fellows again bent to their oars, and made the sleeping waters +wake in golden flashes to the sunset, till told they need not pull so +hard. + +"Faith, then, we'll _plaze_ you, sir," said the stroke-oarsman, with a +grin, "for we have had quite enough of it to-day." + +"Do you not think, Fanny," said Edward O'Connor, for it was he who spoke +to his bride, "Do you not think 'tis more in unison with the tranquil +hour and the coming shadows, to glide softly over the lulled waters?" + +"Yes," she replied, "it seems almost sacrilege to disturb this heavenly +repose by the slightest dip of the oar--see how perfectly that lovely +island is reflected." + +"That is Innisfallin, my lady," said the boatman, hearing her allude +to the island, "where the hermitage is." As he spoke, a gleam of light +sparkled on the island, which was reflected on the water. + +"One might think the hermit was there too," said Fanny, "and had just +lighted a lamp for his vigils." + +"That's the light of the guide that shows the place to the quality, my +lady, and lives on the island always in a corner of the ould ruin. +And, indeed, if you'd like to see the island this evening, there's time +enough, and 'twould be so much saved out of to-morrow." + +The boatman's advice was acted upon, and as they glided towards the +island, Fanny and Edward gazed delightedly on the towering summits of +Magillicuddy's reeks, whose spiral pinnacles and graceful declivities +told out sharply against the golden sky behind them, which, being +perfectly reflected in the calm lake, gave a grand chain of mountain the +appearance of being suspended in glowing heather, for the lake was one +bright amber sheet of light below, and the mountains one massive barrier +of shade, till they cut against the light above. The boat touched the +shore of Innisfallin, and the delighted pair of visitants hurried to its +western point to catch the sunset, lighting with its glory the matchless +foliage of this enchanting spot, where every form of grace exhaustless +nature can display is lavished on the arborial richness of the scene, +which, in its unequalled luxuriance, gives to a fanciful beholder the +idea that the _trees themselves have a conscious pleasure in growing +there._ Oh! what a witching spot is Innisfallin! + +Edward had never seen anything so beautiful in his life; and with the +woman he adored resting on his arm, he quoted the lines which Moore has +applied to the Vale of Cashmere, as he asked Fanny would she not like to +live there. + +"Would you?" said Fanny. + +Edward answered-- + + "If woman can make the worst wilderness dear, + Think--think what a heaven she must make of Cashmere." + +They lingered on the island till the moon arose, and then re-embarked. +The silvery light exhibited the lake under another aspect, and the dimly +discovered forms of the lofty hills rose one above another, tier upon +tier, circling the waters in their shadowy frame, the beauty of the +scene reached a point of sublimity which might be called holy. As they +returned towards the shelving strand, a long row of peeled branches, +standing upright in the water, attracted Fanny's attention, and she +asked their use. + +"All the use in life, my lady," said the boatman, "for without the same +branches, maybe it's not home to-night you'd get." + +On Fanny inquiring further the meaning of the boatman's answer, she +learned that the sticks were placed there to indicate the only channel +which permitted a boat to approach the shore on that side of the lake, +where the water was shoal, while in other parts the depth had never been +fathomed. + +An early excursion on the water was planned for the morning, and Edward +and Fanny were wakened from their slumbers by the tones of the bugle; a +soft Irish melody being breathed by Spillan, followed by a more sportive +one from the other minstrel of the lake, Ganzy. + +The lake now appeared under another aspect--the morning sun and morning +breeze were upon it, and the sublimity with which the shades of evening +had invested the mountains was changed to that of the most varied +richness; for Autumn hung out its gaudy banner on the lofty hills, +crowned to their summits with all variety of wood, which, though tinged +by the declining year, had scarcely shed one leafy honour. The day was +glorious, and the favouring breeze enabled the boat to career across the +sparkling lake under canvas, till the overhanging hills of the opposite +side robbed them of their aerial wings, and the sail being struck, the +boatmen bent to their oars. As they passed under a promontory, clothed +from the water's edge to its topmost ridge with the most luxuriant +vegetation, it was pointed out to the lady as "the minister's back." + +"'T is a strange name," said Fanny. "Do you know why it is called so?" + +"Faix, I dunna, my lady--barrin' that it is the best covered back in +the country. But here we come to the _aichos_," said he, resting on his +oars. The example was followed by his fellows, and the bugler, lifting +his instrument to his lips, gave one long well-sustained blast. It rang +across the waters gallantly. It returned in a few seconds with such +unearthly sweetness, as though the spirit of the departed sound had +become heavenly, and revisited the place where it had expired. + +Fanny and Edward listened breathlessly. + +The bugle gave out its notes again in the well-known "call," and as +sweetly as before the notes were returned distinctly. + +And now a soft and slow and simple melody stole from the exquisitely +played bugle, and phrase after phrase was echoed from the responding +hills. How many an emotion stirred within Edward's breast, as the +melting music fell upon his ear! In the midst of matchless beauties he +heard the matchless strains of his native land, and the echoes of her +old hills responding to the triumphs of her old bards. The air, too, +bore with it historic associations;--it told a tale of wrong and of +suffering. The wrong has ceased, the suffering is past, but the air +which records them still lives. + +"Oh! triumph of the minstrel!" exclaimed Edward in delight. "The tyrant +crumbles in his coffin, while the song of the bard survives! The memory +of a sceptred ruffian is endlessly branded by a simple strain, while +many of the elaborate chronicles of his evil life have passed away and +are mouldering like himself." + +Scarcely had the echoes of this exquisite air died away, when the +entrancement it carried was rudely broken by one of the vulgarest tunes +being brayed from a bugle in a boat which was seen rounding the headland +of the wooded promontory. Edward and Fanny writhed, and put their hands +to their ears. "Give way, boys!" said Edward; "for pity's sake get away +from these barbarians. Give way!" + +Away sprang the boat. To the boatman's inquiry whether they should stop +at "Lady Kenmare's Cottage," Fanny said "no," when she found on inquiry +it was a particularly "show-place," being certain the vulgar party +following _would_ stop there, and therefore time might be gained in +getting away from such disagreeable followers. + +Dinas Island, fringed with its lovely woods, excited their admiration, +as they passed underneath its shadows, and turned into Turk Lake; here +the labyrinthine nature of the channels through which they had been +winding was changed for a circular expanse of water, over which the +lofty mountain, whence it takes its name, towers in all its wild beauty +of wood, and rock, and heath. + +At a certain part of the lake, the boatmen, without any visible cause, +rested on their oars. On Edward asking them why they did not pull, he +received this touching answer:-- + +"Sure, your honour would not have us disturb Ned Macarthy's grave!" + +"Then a boatman was drowned here, I suppose?" said Edward. + +"Yes, your honour." The boatman then told how the accident occurred "one +day when there was a stag-hunt on the lake;" but as the anecdote struck +Edward so forcibly that he afterwards recorded it in verse, we will give +the story after his fashion. + +MACARTHY'S GRAVE + +I + + The breeze was fresh, the morn was fair, + The stag had left his dewy lair; + To cheering horn and baying tongue, + Killarney's echoes sweetly rung. + With sweeping oar and bending mast, + The eager chase was following fast; + When one light skiff a maiden steer'd + Beneath the deep wave disappeared: + Wild shouts of terror wildly ring, + A boatman brave, with gallant spring + And dauntless arm, the lady bore; + But he who saved--was seen no more! + +II + + Where weeping birches wildly wave, + There boatmen show their brother's grave; + And while they tell the name he bore, + Suspended hangs the lifted oar; + The silent drops they idly shed + Seem like tears to gallant Ned; + And while gently gliding by, + The tale is told with moistened eye. + No ripple on the slumbering lake + Unhallow'd oar doth ever make; + All undisturb'd, the placid wave + Flows gently o'er Macarthy's grave. + +Winding backwards through the channels which lead the explorers of this +scene of nature's enchantment from the lower to the upper lake, the +surpassing beauty of the "Eagle's nest" burst on their view; and as +they hovered under its stupendous crags, clustering with all variety of +verdure, the bugle and the cannon awoke the almost endless reverberation +of sound which is engendered here. Passing onward, a sudden change is +wrought; the soft beauty melts gradually away, and the scene hardens +into frowning rocks and steep acclivities, making a befitting vestibule +to the bold and bleak precipices of "The Reeks," which form the western +barrier of this upper lake, whose savage grandeur is rendered more +striking by the scenes of fairy-like beauty left behind. But even here, +in the midst of the mightiest desolation, the vegetative vigour of the +numerous islands proves the wondrous productiveness of the soil in these +regions. + +On their return, a great commotion was observable as they approached the +rapids formed by the descending waters of the upper lake to the lower, +and they were hailed and warned by some of the peasants from the shore +that they must not attempt the rapids at present, as a boat, which had +just been upset, lay athwart the passage. On hearing this, Edward and +Fanny landed upon the falls, and walked towards the old bridge, where +all was bustle and confusion, as the dripping passengers were dragged +safely to shore from the capsized boat, which had been upset by the +principal gentleman of the party, whose vulgar trumpetings had so +disturbed the delight of Edward and Fanny, who soon recognised the +renowned Andy as the instigator of the bad music and the cause of the +accident. Yes, Lord Scatterbrain, true to his original practice, was +author of all. + +Nevertheless, he and his party, soused over head and ears as they +were, took the thing in good humour, which was unbroken even by the +irrepressible laughter which escaped from Edward and Fanny, as they +approached and kindly offered assistance. An immediate removal to the +neighbouring cottage on Dinas Island was recommended, particularly as +Lady Scatterbrain was in a delicate situation, as well, indeed, as Mrs. +Durfy, who, with her dear Tom, had joined Lord Scatterbrain's party of +pleasure. + +On reaching the cottage, sufficient change of clothes was obtained +to prevent evil consequences from the ducking. This, under ordinary +circumstances, might not have been easy for so many; but, fortunately, +Lord Scatterbrain had ordered a complete dinner from the hotel to be +served in the cottage, and some of the assistants from the Victoria, +who were necessarily present, helped to dress more than the dinner. What +between cookmaids and waiters, the care-taker of the cottage and the +boatmen, bodies, and skirts, jackets and other conveniences, enabled +the party to sit down to dinner in company, until fire could mend the +mistake of his lordship. Edward and Fanny courteously joined the party; +and the honour of their company was sensibly felt by Andy and Oonah, +who would have borne a ducking a day for the honour of having Fanny and +Edward as their guests. Oonah was by nature a nice creature, and adapted +herself to her elevated position with a modest ease that was surprising. +Even Andy was by this time able to conduct himself tolerably well at +table--only on that particular day he did make a mistake; for when +salmon (which is served at Killarney in all sorts of variety) made its +appearance for the first time in the novel form "_en papillote_," +Andy ate paper and all. He refused a second cutlet, however, saying he +"_thought the skin tough_." The party, however, passed off mirthfully, +the very accident helping the fun; for, instead of any one being called +by name, the "lady in the jacket," or the "gentleman in the bedgown," +were the terms of address; and, after a merrily spent evening, the beds +of the Victoria gave sleep and pleasing dreams to the sojourners of +Killarney. + +[Illustration: The Party at Killarney] + +Kind reader! the shortening space we have prescribed to our volume warns +us we must draw our story to an end. Nine months after this Killarney +excursion, Lord Scatterbrain met Dick Dawson near Mount Eskar, where +Lord Scatterbrain had ridden to make certain inquiries about Mrs. +O'Connor's health. Dick wore a smiling countenance, and to Andy's +inquiry answered, "All right, and doing as well as can be expected." + +Lord Scatterbrain, wishing to know whether it was a boy or a girl, made +the inquiry in the true spirit of Andyism--"Tell me, Misther Dawson, +_are you an uncle or an aunt?_" + +Andy's mother died soon after of the cold caught by her ducking. On her +death-bed she called Oonah to her, and said, "I leave you this quilt, +_alanna_--'t is worth more than it appears. The hundred-pound notes Andy +gave me I quilted into the lining, so that if I lived poor all my life +till lately, I died under a quilt of banknotes, anyhow." + +Uncle Bob was gathered to his fathers also, and left the bulk of his +property to Augusta, so that Furlong had to regret his contemptible +conduct in rejecting her hand. Augusta indulged in a spite to all +mankind for the future, enjoying her dogs and her independence, and +defying Hymen and hydrophobia for the rest of her life. + +Gusty went on profiting by the early care of Edward O'Connor, whose +friendship was ever his dearest possession; and Ratty, always wild, +expressed a desire for leading a life of enterprise. As they are both +"Irish heirs," as well as Lord Scatterbrain, and heirs under very +different circumstances, it is not improbable that in our future +"accounts" something may yet be heard of them, and the grateful author +once more meet his kind readers. + +THE END + + + + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's Handy Andy, Volume 2 (of 2), by Samuel Lover + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK HANDY ANDY, VOLUME 2 (OF 2) *** + +***** This file should be named 7180.txt or 7180.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/7/1/8/7180/ + +Produced by Charles Franks and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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Anyone seeking to utilize +this eBook outside of the United States should confirm copyright +status under the laws that apply to them. diff --git a/README.md b/README.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..a1e39bb --- /dev/null +++ b/README.md @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for +eBook #7180 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/7180) diff --git a/old/7180-h.htm.2021-01-26 b/old/7180-h.htm.2021-01-26 new file mode 100644 index 0000000..8668fe2 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/7180-h.htm.2021-01-26 @@ -0,0 +1,13089 @@ +<?xml version="1.0" encoding="utf-8"?> + +<!DOCTYPE html + PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Strict//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-strict.dtd" > + +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml" lang="en"> + <head> + <title> + Handy Andy, by Samuel Lover + </title> + <style type="text/css" xml:space="preserve"> + + body { margin:5%; text-align:justify} + P { text-indent: 1em; margin-top: .25em; margin-bottom: .25em; } + H1,H2,H3,H4,H5,H6 { text-align: center; margin-left: 15%; margin-right: 15%; } + hr { width: 50%; text-align: center;} + .foot { margin-left: 20%; margin-right: 20%; text-align: justify; text-indent: -3em; font-size: 90%; } + blockquote {font-size: 97%; font-style: italic; margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + .mynote {background-color: #DDE; color: #000; padding: .5em; margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-family: sans-serif; font-size: 95%;} + .toc { margin-left: 10%; margin-bottom: .75em;} + .toc2 { margin-left: 20%;} + div.fig { display:block; margin:0 auto; text-align:center; } + div.middle { margin-left: 20%; margin-right: 20%; text-align: justify; } + .figleft {float: left; margin-left: 0%; margin-right: 1%;} + .figright {float: right; margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 1%;} + .pagenum {display:inline; font-size: 70%; font-style:normal; + margin: 0; padding: 0; position: absolute; right: 1%; + text-align: right;} + .side { float: right; font-size: 75%; width: 25%; padding-left: 0.8em; + border-left: dashed thin; margin-left: 0.8em; text-align: left; + text-indent: 0; font-weight: bold; font-style: italic; + font-weight: bold; color: black; background: #eeeeee; border: solid 1px;} + pre { font-style: italic; font-size: 90%; margin-left: 10%;} + +</style> + </head> + <body> + + +<pre> + +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Handy Andy, Volume 2 (of 2), by Samuel Lover + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Handy Andy, Volume 2 (of 2) + A Tale of Irish Life + +Author: Samuel Lover + + +Release Date: December, 2004 [EBook #7180] +This file was first posted on March 22, 2003 +Last Updated: March 16, 2018 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: UTF-8 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK HANDY ANDY, VOLUME 2 (OF 2) *** + + + + +Text file produced by Charles Franks and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team + +HTML file produced by David Widger + + + +</pre> + + <div style="height: 8em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h1> + HANDY ANDY + </h1> + <h1> + A Tale of Irish Life + </h1> + <h2> + By Samuel Lover + </h2> + <h4> + In Two Volumes—Volume Two <br /> The Collected Writings Of Samuel + Lover (V. 4) + </h4> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0001" id="linkimage-0001"></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:80%"> + <img alt="frontispiece (176K)" src="images/frontispiece.jpg" width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <p> + <b>CONTENTS</b> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_LIST"> LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS VOLUME TWO </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0001"> CHAPTER XXII </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0002"> CHAPTER XXIII </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0003"> CHAPTER XXIV </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0004"> CHAPTER XXV </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0005"> CHAPTER XXVI </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0006"> CHAPTER XXVII </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0007"> CHAPTER XXVIII </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0008"> CHAPTER XXIX </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0009"> CHAPTER XXX </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0010"> CHAPTER XXXI </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0011"> CHAPTER XXXII </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0012"> CHAPTER XXXIII </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0013"> CHAPTER XXXIV </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0014"> CHAPTER XXXV </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0015"> CHAPTER XXXVI </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0016"> CHAPTER XXXVII </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0017"> CHAPTER XXXVIII </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0018"> CHAPTER XXXIX </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0019"> CHAPTER XL </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0020"> CHAPTER XLI </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0021"> CHAPTER XLII </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0022"> CHAPTER XLIII </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0023"> CHAPTER XLIV </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0024"> CHAPTER XLV </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0025"> CHAPTER XLVI </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0026"> CHAPTER XLVII </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0027"> CHAPTER XLVIII </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0028"> CHAPTER XLIX </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0029"> CHAPTER L </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0030"> CHAPTER LI </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0031"> CHAPTER THE LAST </a> + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_LIST" id="link2H_LIST"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <p> + <b>List of Illustrations</b> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0001"> Tom Organ Loftus' Coldairian System </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0003"> Andy's Cooking Extraordinary </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0005"> The Abduction </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0006"> A Crack Shot </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0007"> The Challenge </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0008"> The Party at Killarney </a> + </p> + <p> + <i>Etched by W. H. W. Bicknell from drawings by Samuel Lover</i> + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /><br /> <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0001" id="link2HCH0001"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXII + </h2> + <p> + The night was pitch dark, and on rounding the adjacent corner no vehicle + could be seen; but a peculiar whistle from Dick was answered by the sound + of approaching wheels and the rapid footfalls of a horse, mingled with the + light rattle of a smart gig. On the vehicle coming up, Dick took his + little mare, that was blacker than the night, by the head, the apron of + the gig was thrown down, and out jumped a smart servant-boy. + </p> + <p> + “You have the horse ready, too, Billy?” + </p> + <p> + “Yis, sir,” said Billy, touching his hat. + </p> + <p> + “Then follow, and keep up with me, remember.” + </p> + <p> + “Yis, sir.” + </p> + <p> + “Come to her head, here,” and he patted the little mare's neck as he spoke + with a caressing “whoa,” which was answered by a low neigh of + satisfaction, while the impatient pawing of her fore foot showed the + animal's desire to start. “What an impatient little devil she is,” said + Dick, as he mounted the gig; “I'll get in first, Murphy, as I'm going to + drive. Now up with you—hook on the apron—that's it—are + you all right?” + </p> + <p> + “Quite,” said Murphy. + </p> + <p> + “Then you be into your saddle and after us, Billy,” said Dick; “and now + let her go.” + </p> + <p> + Billy gave the little black mare her head, and away she went, at a + slapping pace, the fire from the road answering the rapid strokes of her + nimble feet. The servant then mounted a horse which was tied to a + neighbouring palisade, and had to gallop for it to come up with his + master, who was driving with a swiftness almost fearful, considering the + darkness of the night and the narrowness of the road he had to traverse, + for he was making the best of his course by cross-ways to an adjacent + roadside inn, where some non-resident electors were expected to arrive + that night by a coach from Dublin; for the county town had every nook and + cranny occupied, and this inn was the nearest point where they could get + any accommodation. + </p> + <p> + Now don't suppose that they were electors whom Murphy and Dick in their + zeal for their party were going over to greet with hearty welcomes and + bring up to the poll the next day. By no means. They were the friends of + the opposite party, and it was with the design of retarding their + movements that this night's excursion was undertaken. These electors were + a batch of plain citizens from Dublin, whom the Scatterbrain interest had + induced to leave the peace and quiet of the city to tempt the wilds of the + country at that wildest of times—during a contested election; and a + night coach was freighted inside and out with the worthy cits, whose + aggregate voices would be of immense importance the next day; for the + contest was close, the county nearly polled out, and but two days more for + the struggle. Now, to intercept these plain unsuspecting men was the + object of Murphy, whose well-supplied information had discovered to him + this plan of the enemy, which he set about countermining. As they rattled + over the rough by-roads, many a laugh did the merry attorney and the + untameable Dick the Devil exchange, as the probable success of their + scheme was canvassed, and fresh expedients devised to meet the possible + impediments which might interrupt them. As they topped a hill Murphy + pointed out to his companion a moving light in the plain beneath. + </p> + <p> + “That's the coach, Dick—there are the lamps, we're just in time—spin + down the hill, my boy—let me get in as they're at supper, and 'faith + they'll want it, after coming off a coach such a night as this, to say + nothing of some of them being aldermen in expectancy perhaps, and of + course obliged to play trencher-men as often as they can, as a requisite + rehearsal for the parts they must hereafter fill.” + </p> + <p> + In fifteen minutes more Dick pulled up before a small cabin within a + quarter of a mile of the inn, and the mounted servant tapped at the door, + which was immediately opened, and a peasant, advancing to the gig, + returned the civil salutation with which Dick greeted his approach. + </p> + <p> + “I wanted to be sure you were ready, Barny.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, do you think I'd fail you, Misther Dick, your honour?” + </p> + <p> + “I thought you might be asleep, Barny.” + </p> + <p> + “Not when you bid me wake, sir; and there's a nice fire ready for you, and + as fine a dhrop o' <i>potteen</i> as ever tickled your tongue, sir.” + </p> + <p> + “You're the lad, Barny!—good fellow—I'll be back with you + by-and-by;” and off whipped Dick again. + </p> + <p> + After going about a quarter of a mile further, he pulled up, alighted with + Murphy from the gig, unharnessed the little black mare, and then + overturned the gig into the ditch. + </p> + <p> + “That's as natural as life,” said Dick. + </p> + <p> + “What an escape of my neck I've had!” said Murphy. + </p> + <p> + “Are you much hurt?” said Dick. + </p> + <p> + “A trifle lame only,” said Murphy, laughing and limping. + </p> + <p> + “There was a great <i>boccagh</i> [Footnote: Lame beggar.] lost in you, + Murphy. Wait; let me rub a handful of mud on your face—there—you + have a very upset look, 'pon my soul,” said Dick, as he flashed the light + of his lantern on him for a moment, and laughed at Murphy scooping the mud + out of his eye, where Dick had purposely planted it. + </p> + <p> + “Devil take you,” said Murtough; “that's too natural.” + </p> + <p> + “There's nothing like looking your part,” said Dick. + </p> + <p> + “Well, I may as well complete my attire,” said Murtough, so he lay down in + the road and took a roll in the mud; “that will do,” said he; “and now, + Dick, go back to Barny and the mountain dew, while I storm the camp of the + Philistines. I think in a couple of hours you may be on the look-out for + me; I'll signal you from the window, so now good bye;” and Murphy, leading + the mare, proceeded to the inn, while Dick, with a parting “Luck to you, + my boy,” turned back to the cottage of Barny. + </p> + <p> + The coach had set down six inside and ten out passengers (all voters) + about ten minutes before Murphy marched up to the inn door, leading the + black mare, and calling “ostler” most lustily. His call being answered for + “the beast,” “the man” next demanded attention; and the landlord wondered + all the wonders he could cram into a short speech, at seeing Misther + Murphy, sure, at such a time; and the sonsy landlady, too, was all + lamentations for his illigant coat and his poor eye, sure, all ruined with + the mud:—and what was it at all? an upset, was it? oh, wirra! and + wasn't it lucky he wasn't killed, and they without a spare bed to lay him + out dacent if he was—sure, wouldn't it be horrid for his body to be + only on sthraw in the barn, instead of the best feather-bed in the house; + and, indeed, he'd be welcome to it, only the gintlemen from town had them + all engaged. + </p> + <p> + “Well, dead or alive, I must stay here to-night, Mrs. Kelly, at all + events.” + </p> + <p> + “And what will you do for a bed?” + </p> + <p> + “A shake down in the parlour, or a stretch on a sofa, will do; my gig is + stuck fast in a ditch—my mare tired—ten miles from home—cold + night, and my knee hurt.” Murphy limped as he spoke. + </p> + <p> + “Oh! your poor knee,” said Mrs. Kelly; “I'll put a dhrop o' whisky and + brown paper on it, sure—” + </p> + <p> + “And what gentlemen are these, Mrs. Kelly, who have so filled your house?” + </p> + <p> + “Gintlemen that came by the coach a while agone, and supping in the + parlour now, sure.” + </p> + <p> + “Would you give my compliments, and ask would they allow me, under the + present peculiar circumstances, to join them? and in the meantime, send + somebody down the road to take the cushions out of my gig; for there is no + use in attempting to get the gig out till morning.” + </p> + <p> + “Sartinly, Misther Murphy, we'll send for the cushions; but as for the + gentlemen, they are all on the other side.” + </p> + <p> + “What other side?” + </p> + <p> + “The Honourable's voters, sure.” + </p> + <p> + “Pooh! is that all?” said Murphy,—“I don't mind that, I've no + objection on that account; besides, <i>they</i> need not know who <i>I</i> + am,” and he gave the landlord a knowing wink, to which the landlord as + knowingly returned another. + </p> + <p> + The message to the gentlemen was delivered, and Murphy was immediately + requested to join their party; this was all he wanted, and he played off + his powers of diversion on the innocent citizens so successfully, that + before supper was half over they thought themselves in luck to have fallen + in with such a chance acquaintance. Murphy fired away jokes, repartees, + anecdotes, and country gossip, to their delight; and when the eatables + were disposed of, he started them on the punch-drinking tack afterwards so + cleverly, that he hoped to see three parts of them tipsy before they + retired to rest. + </p> + <p> + “Do you feel your knee better now, sir?” asked one of the party, of + Murphy. + </p> + <p> + “Considerably, thank you; whisky punch, sir, is about the best cure for + bruises or dislocations a man can take.” + </p> + <p> + “I doubt that, sir,” said a little matter-of-fact man, who had now + interposed his reasonable doubts for the twentieth time during Murphy's + various extravagant declarations, and the interruption only made Murphy + romance the more. + </p> + <p> + “<i>You</i> speak of your fiery <i>Dublin</i> stuff, sir; but our country + whisky is as mild as milk, and far more wholesome; then, sir, our fine air + alone would cure half the complaints without a grain of physic.” + </p> + <p> + “I doubt that, sir!” said the little man. + </p> + <p> + “I assure you, sir, a friend of my own from town came down here last + spring on crutches, and from merely following a light whisky diet and + sleeping with his window open, he was able to dance at the race ball in a + fortnight; as for this knee of mine, it's a trifle, though it was a bad + upset too.” + </p> + <p> + “How did it happen, sir? Was it your horse—or your harness—or + your gig—or—” + </p> + <p> + “None o' them, sir; it was a <i>Banshee</i>.” + </p> + <p> + “A Banshee!” said the little man; “what's that?” + </p> + <p> + “A peculiar sort of supernatural creature that is common here, sir. She + was squatted down on one side of the road, and my mare shied at her, and + being a spirited little thing, she attempted to jump the ditch and missed + it in the dark.” + </p> + <p> + “Jump a ditch, with a gig after her, sir?” said the little man. + </p> + <p> + “Oh, common enough to do that here, sir; she'd have done it easy in the + daylight, but she could not measure her distance in the dark, and bang she + went into the ditch: but it's a trifle, after all. I am generally run over + four or five times a year.” + </p> + <p> + “And you alive to tell it!” said the little man, incredulously. + </p> + <p> + “It's hard to kill us here, sir, we are used to accidents.” + </p> + <p> + “Well, the worst accident I ever heard of,” said one of the citizens, + “happened to a friend of mine, who went to visit a friend of his on a + Sunday, and all the family happened to be at church; so on driving into + the yard there was no one to take his horse, therefore he undertook the + office of ostler himself, but being unused to the duty, he most + incautiously took off the horse's bridle before unyoking him from his gig, + and the animal, making a furious plunge forward—my friend being + before him at the time—the shaft of the gig was driven through his + body, and into the coach-house gate behind him, and stuck so fast that the + horse could not drag it out after; and in this dreadful situation they + remained until the family returned from church, and saw the awful + occurrence. A servant was despatched for a doctor, and the shaft was + disengaged, and drawn out of the man's body—just at the pit of the + stomach; he was laid on a bed, and every one thought of course he must die + at once, but he didn't; and the doctor came next day, and he wasn't dead—did + what he could for him—and, to make a long story short, sir, the man + recovered.” + </p> + <p> + “Pooh! pooh!” said the diminutive doubter. + </p> + <p> + “It's true,” said the narrator. + </p> + <p> + “I make no doubt of it, sir,” said Murphy; “I know a more extraordinary + case of recovery myself.” + </p> + <p> + “I beg your pardon, sir,” said the cit; “I have not finished my story yet, + for the most extraordinary part of the story remains to be told; my + friend, sir, was a very sickly man before the accident happened—a <i>very</i> + sickly man, and after that accident he became a hale healthy man. What do + you think of that, sir?” + </p> + <p> + “It does not surprise me in the least, sir,” said Murphy; “I can account + for it readily.” + </p> + <p> + “Well, sir, I never heard It accounted for, though I know it to be true; I + should like to hear how you account for it?” + </p> + <p> + “Very simply, sir,” said Murphy; “don't you perceive the man discovered a + <i>mine</i> of health by a <i>shaft</i> being sunk in the <i>pit</i> of + his stomach?” + </p> + <p> + Murphy's punning solution of the cause of cure was merrily received by the + company, whose critical taste was not of that affected nature which + despises <i>jeu de mots</i>, and <i>will not</i> be satisfied under a <i>jeu + d'esprit</i>; the little doubting man alone refused to be pleased. + </p> + <p> + “I doubt the value of a pun always, sir. Dr. Johnson said, sir—” + </p> + <p> + “I know,” said Murphy; “that the man who would make a pun would pick a + pocket; that's old, sir,—but is dearly remembered by all those who + cannot make puns themselves.” + </p> + <p> + “Exactly,” said one of the party they called Wiggins. “It is the old story + of the fox and the grapes. Did you ever hear, sir, the story of the fox + and the grapes? The fox one day was—” + </p> + <p> + “Yes, yes,” said Murphy, who, fond of absurdity as he was, could <i>not</i> + stand the fox and the grapes by way of something new. + </p> + <p> + “They're sour, said the fox.” + </p> + <p> + “Yes,” said Murphy, “a capital story.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, them fables is so good!” said Wiggins. + </p> + <p> + “All nonsense!” said the diminutive contradictor. + </p> + <p> + “Nonsense, nothing but nonsense; the ridiculous stuff of birds and beasts + speaking! As if any one could believe such stuff.” + </p> + <p> + “I do—firmly—for one,” said Murphy. + </p> + <p> + “You do?” said the little man. + </p> + <p> + “I do—and do you know why?” + </p> + <p> + “I cannot indeed conceive,” said the little man, with a bitter grin. + </p> + <p> + “It is, sir, because I myself know a case that occurred in this very + country of a similar nature.” + </p> + <p> + “Do you want to make me believe you knew a fox that spoke, sir?” said the + mannikin, almost rising into anger. + </p> + <p> + “Many, sir,” said Murphy, “many.” + </p> + <p> + “Well! after that!” said the little man. + </p> + <p> + “But the case I immediately allude to is not of a fox, but a cat,” said + Murphy. + </p> + <p> + “A cat? Oh, yes—to be sure—a cat speak, indeed!” said the + little gentleman. + </p> + <p> + “It is a fact, sir,” said Murphy; “and if the company would not object to + my relating the story, I will state the particulars.” + </p> + <p> + The proposal was received with acclamation; and Murphy, in great enjoyment + of the little man's annoyance, cleared his throat, and made all the + preparatory demonstrations of a regular <i>raconteur</i>; but, before he + began, he recommended the gentlemen to mix fresh tumblers all round that + they might have nothing to do but listen and drink silently. “For of all + things in the world,” said Murtough, “I hate a song or a story to be + interrupted by the rattle of spoons.” + </p> + <p> + They obeyed; and while they are mixing their punch, we will just turn over + a fresh page, and devote a new Chapter to the following + </p> + <h3> + MARVELLOUS LEGEND + </h3> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0002" id="link2HCH0002"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXIII + </h2> + <h3> + MURTOUGH MURPHY'S STORY; BEING YE MARVELLOUS LEGEND OF TOM CONNOR'S CAT + </h3> + <p> + “There was a man in these parts, sir, you must know, called Tom Connor, + and he had a cat that was equal to any dozen of rat-traps, and he was + proud of the baste, and with rayson; for she was worth her weight in goold + to him in saving his sacks of meal from the thievery of the rats and mice; + for Tom was an extensive dealer in corn, and influenced the rise and fall + of that article in the market, to the extent of a full dozen of sacks at a + time, which he either kept or sold, as the spirit of free trade or + monopoly came over him. Indeed, at one time, Tom had serious thoughts of + applying to the government for a military force to protect his granary + when there was a threatened famine in the county.” + </p> + <p> + “Pooh! pooh! sir,” said the matter-of-fact little man: “as if a dozen + sacks could be of the smallest consequence in a whole county—pooh! + pooh!” + </p> + <p> + “Well, sir,” said Murphy, “I can't help if you don't believe; but it's + truth what I am telling you, and pray don't interrupt me, though you may + not believe; by the time the story's done you'll have heard more wonderful + things than <i>that</i>,—and besides, remember you're a stranger in + these parts, and have no notion of the extraordinary things, physical, + metaphysical, and magical, which constitute the idiosyncrasy of rural + destiny.” + </p> + <p> + The little man did not know the meaning of Murphy's last sentence—nor + Murphy either; but, having stopped the little man's throat with big words, + he proceeded— + </p> + <p> + “This cat, sir, you must know, was a great pet, and was so up to + everything, that Tom swore she was a'most like a Christian, only she + couldn't speak, and had so sensible a look in her eyes, that he was sartin + sure the cat knew every word that was said to her. Well, she used to sit + by him at breakfast every morning, and the eloquent cock of her tail, as + she used to rub against his leg, said, 'Give me some milk, Tom Connor,' as + plain as print, and the plenitude of her purr afterwards spoke a gratitude + beyond language. Well, one morning, Tom was going to the neighbouring town + to market, and he had promised the wife to bring home shoes to the + childre' out o' the price of the corn; and sure enough, before he sat down + to breakfast, there was Tom taking the measure of the children's feet, by + cutting notches on a bit of stick; and the wife gave him so many cautions + about getting a 'nate fit' for 'Billy's purty feet,' that Tom, in his + anxiety to nick the closest possible measure, cut off the child's toe. + That disturbed the harmony of the party, and Tom was obliged to breakfast + alone, while the mother was endeavouring to cure Billy; in short, trying + to make a <i>heal</i> of his <i>toe</i>. Well, sir, all the time Tom was + taking measure for the shoes, the cat was observing him with that luminous + peculiarity of eye for which her tribe is remarkable; and when Tom sat + down to breakfast the cat rubbed up against him more vigorously than + usual; but Tom, being bewildered between his expected gain in corn and the + positive loss of his child's toe, kept never minding her, until the cat, + with a sort of caterwauling growl, gave Tom a dab of her claws, that went + clean through his leathers, and a little further. 'Wow!' says Tom, with a + jump, clapping his hand on the part, and rubbing it, 'by this and that, + you drew the blood out o' me,' says Tom; 'you wicked divil—tish!—go + along!' says he, making a kick at her. With that the cat gave a + reproachful look at him, and her eyes glared just like a pair of + mail-coach lamps in a fog. With that, sir, the cat, with a mysterious <i>'mi-ow''</i> + fixed a most penetrating glance on Tom, and distinctly uttered his name. + </p> + <p> + “Tom felt every hair on his head as stiff as a pump-handle; and scarcely + crediting his ears, he returned a searching look at the cat, who very + quietly proceeded in a sort of nasal twang— + </p> + <p> + “'Tom Connor,' says she. + </p> + <p> + “'The Lord be good to me!' says Tom, 'if it isn't spakin' she is!' + </p> + <p> + “'Tom Connor,' says she again. + </p> + <p> + “'Yes, ma'am,' says Tom. + </p> + <p> + “'Come here,' says she; 'whisper—I want to talk to you, Tom,' says + she, 'the laste taste in private,' says she—rising on her hams, and + beckoning him with her paw out o' the door, with a wink and a toss o' the + head aiqual to a milliner. + </p> + <p> + “Well, as you may suppose, Tom didn't know whether he was on his head or + his heels, but he followed the cat, and off she went and squatted herself + under the edge of a little paddock at the back of Tom's house; and as he + came round the corner, she held up her paw again, and laid it on her + mouth, as much as to say, 'Be cautious, Tom.' Well, divil a word Tom could + say at all, with the fright, so up he goes to the cat, and says she— + </p> + <p> + “'Tom,' says she, 'I have a great respect for you, and there's something I + must tell you, becase you're losing character with your neighbours,' says + she, 'by your goin's on,' says she, 'and it's out o' the respect that I + have for you, that I must tell you,' says she. + </p> + <p> + “'Thank you, ma'am,' says Tom. + </p> + <p> + “'You're goin' off to the town,' says she, 'to buy shoes for the + childre',' says she, 'and never thought o' gettin' me a pair.' + </p> + <p> + “'You!' says Tom.” + </p> + <p> + “'Yis, me, Tom Connor,' says she; 'and the neighbours wondhers that a + respectable man like you allows your cat to go about the counthry + barefutted,' says she.” + </p> + <p> + “'Is it a cat to ware shoes?' says Tom.” + </p> + <p> + “'Why not?' says she; 'doesn't horses ware shoes?—and I have a + prettier foot than a horse, I hope,' says she, with a toss of her head.” + </p> + <p> + “'Faix, she spakes like a woman; so proud of her feet,' says Tom to + himself, astonished, as you may suppose, but pretending never to think it + remarkable all the time; and so he went on discoursin'; and says he, 'It's + thrue for you, ma'am,' says he, 'that horses wares shoes—but that + stands to rayson, ma'am, you see—seeing the hardship their feet has + to go through on the hard roads.'” + </p> + <p> + “'And how do you know what hardship my feet has to go through?' says the + cat, mighty sharp.” + </p> + <p> + “'But, ma'am,' says Tom, 'I don't well see how you could fasten a shoe on + you,' says he.” + </p> + <p> + “'Lave that to me,' says the cat.” + </p> + <p> + “'Did any one ever stick walnut shells on you, pussy?' says Tom, with a + grin.” + </p> + <p> + “'Don't be disrespectful, Tom Connor,' says the cat, with a frown.” + </p> + <p> + “'I ax your pard'n, ma'am,' says he, 'but as for the horses you wor + spakin' about wearin' shoes, you know their shoes is fastened on with + nails, and how would your shoes be fastened on?'” + </p> + <p> + “'Ah, you stupid thief!' says she, 'haven't I illigant nails o' my own?' + and with that she gave him a dab of her claw, that made him roar.” + </p> + <p> + “'Ow! murdher!' says he.” + </p> + <p> + “'Now, no more of your palaver, Misther Connor,' says the cat; 'just be + off and get me the shoes.'” + </p> + <p> + “'Tare an' ouns!' says Tom, 'what'll become o' me if I'm to get shoes for + my cats?' says he, 'for you increase your family four times a year, and + you have six or seven every time,' says he; 'and then you must all have + two pair a piece—wirra! wirra!—I'll be ruined in + shoe-leather,' says Tom. + </p> + <p> + “'No more o' your stuff,' says the cat; 'don't be stand in' here undher + the hedge talkin', or we'll lose our karacthers—for I've remarked + your wife is jealous, Tom.' + </p> + <p> + “'Pon my sowl, that's thrue,' says Tom, with a smirk. + </p> + <p> + “'More fool she,' says the cat, 'for, 'pon my conscience, Tom, you're as + ugly as if you wor bespoke.' + </p> + <p> + “Off ran the cat with these words, leaving Tom in amazement. He said + nothing to the family, for fear of fright'ning them, and off he went to + the <i>town</i> as he <i>pretended</i>—for he saw the cat watching + him through a hole in the hedge; but when he came to a turn at the end of + the road, the dickings a mind he minded the market, good or bad, but went + off to Squire Botherum's, the magisthrit, to sware examinations agen the + cat.” + </p> + <p> + “Pooh! pooh!—nonsense!!” broke in the little man, who had listened + thus far to Murtough with an expression of mingled wonder and contempt, + while the rest of the party willingly gave up the reins to nonsense, and + enjoyed Murtough's Legend and their companion's more absurd common sense. + </p> + <p> + “Don't interrupt him, Goggins,” said Mister Wiggins. + </p> + <p> + “How can you listen to such nonsense?” returned Goggins. “Swear + examinations against a cat, indeed! pooh! pooh!” + </p> + <p> + “My dear sir,” said Murtough, “remember this is a fair story, and that the + country all around here is full of enchantment. As I was telling you, Tom + went off to swear examinations.” + </p> + <p> + “Ay, ay!” shouted all but Goggins; “go on with the story.” + </p> + <p> + “And when Tom was asked to relate the events of the morning, which brought + him before Squire Botherum, his brain was so bewildered between his corn, + and his cat, and his child's toe, that he made a very confused account of + it. + </p> + <p> + “'Begin your story from the beginning,' said the magistrate to Tom. + </p> + <p> + “'Well, your honour,' says Tom, 'I was goin' to market this mornin', to + sell the child's corn—I beg your pard'n—my own toes, I mane, + sir.' + </p> + <p> + “'Sell your toes!' said the Squire. + </p> + <p> + “'No, sir, takin' the cat to market, I mane—' + </p> + <p> + “'Take a cat to market!' said the Squire. 'You're drunk, man.' + </p> + <p> + “'No, your honour, only confused a little; for when the toes began to + spake to me—the cat, I mane—I was bothered clane—' + </p> + <p> + “'The cat speak to you!' said the Squire. 'Phew! worse than before—you're + drunk, Tom.' + </p> + <p> + “'No, your honour; it's on the strength of the cat I come to spake to you—' + </p> + <p> + “'I think it's on the strength of a pint of whisky, Tom—' + </p> + <p> + “'By the vartue o' my oath, your honour, it's nothin' but the cat.' And so + Tom then told him all about the affair, and the Squire was regularly + astonished. Just then the bishop of the diocese and the priest of the + parish happened to call in, and heard the story; and the bishop and the + priest had a tough argument for two hours on the subject; the former + swearing she must be a witch; but the priest denying <i>that</i>, and + maintaining she was <i>only</i> enchanted; and that part of the argument + was afterwards referred to the primate, and subsequently to the conclave + at Rome; but the Pope declined interfering about cats, saying he had quite + enough to do minding his own bulls. + </p> + <p> + “'In the meantime, what are we to do with the cat?' says Botherum. + </p> + <p> + “'Burn her,' says the bishop, 'she's a witch.' + </p> + <p> + “<i>Only</i> enchanted,' said the priest—'and the ecclesiastical + court maintains that—' + </p> + <p> + “'Bother the ecclesiastical court!' said the magistrate; 'I can only + proceed on the statutes;' and with that he pulled down all the law-books + in his library, and hunted the laws from Queen Elizabeth down, and he + found that they made laws against everything in Ireland, <i>except a cat</i>. + The devil a thing escaped them but a cat, which did <i>not</i> come within + the meaning of any act of parliament:—<i>the cats only had escaped</i>. + </p> + <p> + “'There's the alien act, to be sure,' said the magistrate, 'and perhaps + she's a French spy, in disguise.' + </p> + <p> + “'She spakes like a French spy, sure enough,' says Tom; 'and she was + missin', I remember, all last Spy-Wednesday.' + </p> + <p> + “'That's suspicious,' says the squire—'but conviction might be + difficult; and I have a fresh idea,' says Botherum. + </p> + <p> + “''Faith, it won't keep fresh long, this hot weather,' says Tom; 'so your + honour had betther make use of it at wanst.' + </p> + <p> + “'Right,' says Botherum,—'we'll make her subject to the game laws; + we'll hunt her,' says he. + </p> + <p> + “'Ow!—elegant!' says Tom;—'we'll have a brave run out of her.' + </p> + <p> + “'Meet me at the cross roads,' says the Squire, 'in the morning, and I'll + have the hounds ready.' + </p> + <p> + “'Well, off Tom went home; and he was racking his brain what excuse he + could make to the cat for not bringing the shoes; and at last he hit one + off, just as he saw her cantering up to him, half-a-mile before he got + home. + </p> + <p> + “'Where's the shoes, Tom?' says she. + </p> + <p> + “'I have not got them to-day, ma'am,' says he. + </p> + <p> + “'Is that the way you keep your promise, Tom?' says she;—'I'll tell + you what it is, Tom—I'll tare the eyes out o' the childre' if you + don't get me shoes.' + </p> + <p> + “'Whisht! whisht!' says Tom, frightened out of his life for his children's + eyes. 'Don't be in a passion, pussy. The shoemaker said he had not a shoe + in his shop, nor a last that would make one to fit you; and he says, I + must bring you into the town for him to take your measure.' + </p> + <p> + “'And when am I to go?' says the cat, looking savage. + </p> + <p> + “'To-morrow,' says Tom. + </p> + <p> + “'It's well you said that, Tom,' said the cat, 'or the devil an eye I'd + leave in your family this night'—and off she hopped. + </p> + <p> + “Tom thrimbled at the wicked look she gave. + </p> + <p> + “'Remember!' says she, over the hedge, with a bitter caterwaul. + </p> + <p> + “'Never fear,' says Tom. Well, sure enough, the next mornin' there was the + cat at cock-crow, licking herself as nate as a new pin, to go into the + town, and out came Tom with a bag undher his arm, and the cat afther him. + </p> + <p> + “'Now git into this, and I'll carry you into the town,' says Tom, opening + the bag. + </p> + <p> + “'Sure I can walk with you,' says the cat. + </p> + <p> + “'Oh, that wouldn't do,' says Tom; 'the people in the town is curious and + slandherous people, and sure it would rise ugly remarks if I was seen with + a cat afther me:—a dog is a man's companion by nature, but cats does + not stand to rayson.' + </p> + <p> + “Well, the cat, seeing there was no use in argument, got into the bag, and + off Tom set to the cross roads with the bag over his shoulder, and he came + up, <i>quite innocent-like</i>, to the corner, where the Squire, and his + huntsman, and the hounds, and a pack o' people were waitin'. Out came the + Squire on a sudden, just as if it was all by accident. + </p> + <p> + “'God save you, Tom,' says he. + </p> + <p> + “'God save you kindly, sir,' says Tom. + </p> + <p> + “'What's that bag you have at your back?' says the Squire. + </p> + <p> + “'Oh, nothin' at all, sir,' says Tom—makin' a face all the time, as + much as to say, I have her safe. + </p> + <p> + “'Oh, there's something in that bag, I think,' says the Squire; 'and you + must let me see it.' + </p> + <p> + “'If you bethray me, Tom Connor,' says the cat in a low voice, 'by this + and that I'll never spake to you again!' + </p> + <p> + “'Pon my honour, sir,' said Tom, with a wink and a twitch of his thumb + towards the bag, 'I haven't anything in it.' + </p> + <p> + “'I have been missing my praties of late,' says the Squire; 'and I'd just + like to examine that bag,' says he. + </p> + <p> + “'Is it doubting my charackther you'd be, sir?' says Tom, pretending to be + in a passion. + </p> + <p> + “'Tom, your sowl!' says the voice in the sack, '<i>if you let the cat out + of the bag</i>, I'll murther you.' + </p> + <p> + “'An honest man would make no objection to be sarched,' said the Squire; + 'and I insist on it,' says he, laying hold o' the bag, and Tom purtending + to fight all the time; but, my jewel! before two minutes, they shook the + cat out o' the bag, sure enough, and off she went with her tail as big as + a sweeping brush, and the Squire, with a thundering view halloo after her, + clapt the dogs at her heels, and away they went for the bare life. Never + was there seen such running as that day—the cat made for a shaking + bog, the loneliest place in the whole country, and there the riders were + all thrown out, barrin' the huntsman, who had a web-footed horse on + purpose for soft places; and the priest, whose horse could go anywhere by + reason of the priest's blessing; and, sure enough, the huntsman and his + riverence stuck to the hunt like wax; and just as the cat got on the + border of the bog, they saw her give a twist as the foremost dog closed + with her, for he gave her a nip in the flank. Still she went on, however, + and headed them well, towards an old mud cabin in the middle of the bog, + and there they saw her jump in at the window, and up came the dogs the + next minit, and gathered round the house with the most horrid howling ever + was heard. The huntsman alighted, and went into the house to turn the cat + out again, when what should he see but an old hag lying in bed in the + corner? + </p> + <p> + “'Did you see a cat come in here?' says he. + </p> + <p> + “'Oh, no—o—o—o!' squealed the old hag, in a trembling + voice; 'there's no cat here,' says she. + </p> + <p> + “'Yelp, yelp, yelp!' went the dogs outside. + </p> + <p> + “'Oh, keep the dogs out o' this,' says the old hag—'oh—o—o—o!' + and the huntsman saw her eyes glare under the blanket, just like a cat's. + </p> + <p> + “'Hillo!' says the huntsman, pulling down the blanket—and what + should he see but the old hag's flank all in a gore of blood. + </p> + <p> + “'Ow, ow! you old divil—is it you? you ould cat!' says he, opening + the door. + </p> + <p> + “In rushed the dogs—up jumped the old hag, and changing into a cat + before their eyes, out she darted through the window again, and made + another run for it; but she couldn't escape, and the dogs gobbled her + while you could say 'Jack Robinson.' But the most remarkable part of this + extraordinary story, gentlemen, is, that the pack was ruined from that day + out; for after having eaten the enchanted cat, <i>the devil a thing they + would ever hunt afterwards but mice.</i>” + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0003" id="link2HCH0003"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXIV + </h2> + <p> + Murphy's story was received with acclamation by all but the little man. + </p> + <p> + “That is all a pack of nonsense,” said he. + </p> + <p> + “Well, you're welcome to it, sir,” said Murphy, “and if I had greater + nonsense you should have it; but seriously, sir, I again must beg you to + remember that the country all around here abounds in enchantment; scarcely + a night passes without some fairy frolic; but, however you may doubt the + wonderful fact of the cat speaking, I wonder you are not impressed with + the points of moral in which the story abounds—” + </p> + <p> + “Fiddlestick!” said the miniature snarler. + </p> + <p> + “First, the little touch about the corn monopoly —then maternal + vanity chastised by the loss of the child's toe—then Tom's + familiarity with his cat, showing the danger arising from a man making too + free with his female domestics—the historical point about the penal + laws—the fatal results of letting the cat out o' the bag, with the + curious final fact in natural history.” + </p> + <p> + [Footnote: Handy Andy was written when the “vexed question” of the “Corn + Laws” was the all-absorbing subject of discussion.] + </p> + <p> + “It's all nonsense,” said the little man, “and I am ashamed of myself for + being such a fool as to sit—alistening to such stuff instead of + going to bed, after the fatigue of my journey and the necessity of rising + early to-morrow, to be in good time at the polling.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh! then you're going to the election, sir?” said Murphy. + </p> + <p> + “Yes, sir—there's some sense in <i>that</i>—and <i>you</i>, + gentlemen, remember we must be <i>all</i> up early—and I recommend + you to follow my example.” + </p> + <p> + The little man rang the bell—the bootjack and slippers were called + for, and, after some delay, a very sleepy-looking <i>gossoon</i> entered + with a bootjack under his arm, but no slippers. + </p> + <p> + “Didn't I say slippers?” said the little man. + </p> + <p> + “You did, sir.” + </p> + <p> + “Where are they, sir?” + </p> + <p> + “The masther says there isn't any, if you plaze, sir.” + </p> + <p> + “No slippers! and you call this an inn? Oh!—well, 'what can't be + cured must be endured'—hold me the bootjack, sir.” + </p> + <p> + The gossoon obeyed—the little man inserted his heel in the cleft, + but, on attempting to pull his foot from the boot, he nearly went heels + over head backward. Murphy caught him and put him on his legs again. + “Heads up, soldiers,” exclaimed Murtough; “I thought you were drinking too + much.” + </p> + <p> + “Sir, I'm not intoxicated!” said the mannikin, snappishly. “It is the + fault of that vile bootjack—what sort of a thing is that you have + brought?” added he in a rage to the <i>gossoon</i>. + </p> + <p> + “It's the bootjack, sir; only one o' the horns is gone, you see,” and he + held up to view a rough piece of board with an angular slit in it, but one + of “the horns,” as he called it, had been broken off at the top, leaving + the article useless. + </p> + <p> + “How dare you bring such a thing as <i>that</i>?” said the little man, in + a great rage. + </p> + <p> + “Why, sir, you ax'd for a bootjack, sure, and I brought you the best I had—and + it's not my fault it's bruk, so it is, for it wasn't me bruk it, but Biddy + batin' the cock.” + </p> + <p> + “Beating the cock!” repeated the little man in surprise. “Bless me! beat a + cock with a bootjack!—what savages!” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, it's not the <i>hen</i> cock I mane, sir,” said the gossoon, “but the + beer cock—she was batin' the cock into the barrel, sir, wid the + bootjack, sir.” + </p> + <p> + “That was decidedly wrong,” said Murphy; “a bootjack is better suited to a + heel-tap than a full measure.” + </p> + <p> + “She was tapping the beer, you mean?” said the little man. + </p> + <p> + “Faix, she wasn't tapping it at all, sir, but hittin' it very hard, she + was, and that's the way she bruk it.” + </p> + <p> + “Barbarians!” exclaimed the little man; “using a bootjack instead of a + hammer!” + </p> + <p> + “Sure the hammer was gone to the priest, sir; bekase he wanted it for the + crucifixion.” + </p> + <p> + “The crucifixion!” exclaimed the little man, horrified; “is it possible + they crucify people?” + </p> + <p> + “Oh no, sir!” said the gossoon, grinning, “it's the picthure I main, sir—an + illigant picthure that is hung up in the chapel, and he wanted a hammer to + dhrive the nails—” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, a <i>picture</i> of the crucifixion,” said the little man. + </p> + <p> + “Yes, sure, sir—the alther-piece, that was althered for to fit to + the place, for it was too big when it came down from Dublin, so they cut + off the sides where the sojers was, bekase it stopt out the windows, and + wouldn't lave a bit o' light for his riverence to read mass; and sure the + sojers were no loss out o' the alther-piece, and was hung up afther in the + vesthery, and serve them right, the blackguards. But it was sore agen our + will to cut off the ladies at the bottom, that was cryin' and roarin'; but + great good luck, the head o' the Blessed Virgin was presarved in the + corner, and sure it's beautiful to see the tears runnin' down her face, + just over the hole in the wall for the holy wather—which is + remarkable.” + </p> + <p> + The gossoon was much offended by the laughter that followed his account of + the altar-piece, which he had no intention of making irreverential, and + suddenly became silent, with a muttered “More shame for yiz;” and as his + bootjack was impracticable, he was sent off with orders for the + chamber-maid to supply bed candles immediately. + </p> + <p> + The party soon separated for their various dormitories, the little man + leaving sundry charges to call them early in the morning, and to be sure + to have hot water ready for shaving, and, without fail, to have their + boots polished in time and left at their room doors;—to all which + injunctions he severally received the answer of—“Certainly, sir;” + and as the bed-room doors were slapped-to, one by one, the last sound of + the retiring party was the snappish voice of the indefatigable little man, + shouting, ere he shut his door,—“Early—early—don't + forget, Mistress Kelly—<i>early!</i>” + </p> + <p> + A shake-down for Murphy in the parlour was hastily prepared; and after + Mrs. Kelly was assured by Murtough that he was quite comfortable, and + perfectly content with his accommodation, for which she made scores of + apologies, with lamentations it was not better, &c., &c., the + whole household retired to rest, and in about a quarter of an hour the inn + was in perfect silence. + </p> + <p> + Then Murtough cautiously opened his door, and after listening for some + minutes, and being satisfied he was the only watcher under the roof, he + gently opened one of the parlour windows and gave the preconcerted signal + which he and Dick had agreed upon. Dick was under the window immediately, + and after exchanging a few words with Murtough, the latter withdrew, and + taking off his boots, and screening with his hand the light of a candle he + carried, he cautiously ascended the stairs, and proceeded stealthily along + the corridor of the dormitory, where, from the chambers on each side, a + concert of snoring began to be executed, and at all the doors stood the + boots and shoes of the inmates awaiting the aid of Day and Martin in the + morning. But, oh! innocent calf-skins—destined to a far different + fate—not Day and Martin, but Dick the Devil and Company are in wait + for you. Murphy collected as many as he could carry under his arms and + descended with them to the parlour window, where they were transferred to + Dick, who carried them directly to the horse-pond which lay behind the + inn, and there committed them to the deep. After a few journeys up and + down stairs, Murtough had left the electors without a morsel of sole or + upper leather, and was satisfied that a considerable delay, if not a + prevention of their appearance at the poll on the morrow, would be the + consequence. + </p> + <p> + “There, Dick,” said Murphy, “is the last of them,” as he handed the little + man's shoes out of the window,—“and now, to save appearances, you + must take mine too—for I must be without boots as well as the rest + in the morning. What fun I shall have when the uproar begins—don't + you envy me, Dick? There, be off now: but hark 'e, notwithstanding you + take away my boots, you need not throw them into the horse-pond.” + </p> + <p> + “'Faith, an' I will,” said Dick, dragging them out of his hands; “'t would + not be honourable, if I didn't—I'd give two pair of boots for the + fun you'll have.” + </p> + <p> + “Nonsense, Dick—Dick, I say—my boots!” + </p> + <p> + “Honour!” cried Dick, as he vanished round the corner. + </p> + <p> + “That devil will keep his word,” muttered Murphy, as he closed the window—“I + may bid good bye to that pair of boots—bad luck to him!” And yet the + merry attorney could not help laughing at Dick making him a sufferer by + his own trick. + </p> + <p> + Dick <i>did</i> keep his word; and after, with particular delight, sinking + Murphy's boots with the rest, he, as it was preconcerted, returned to the + cottage of Barny, and with his assistance drew the upset gig from the + ditch, and with a second set of harness, provided for the occasion, yoked + the servant's horse to the vehicle and drove home. + </p> + <p> + Murphy, meanwhile, was bent on more mischief at the inn; and lest the loss + of the boots and shoes might not be productive of sufficient impediment to + the movements of the enemy, he determined on venturing a step further. The + heavy sleeping of the weary and tipsy travellers enabled him to enter + their chambers unobserved, and over the garments they had taken off he + poured the contents of the water-jug and water-bottle he found in each + room, and then laying the empty bottle and a tumbler on a chair beside + each sleeper's bed, he made it appear as if the drunken men had been dry + in the night, and, in their endeavours to cool their thirst, had upset the + water over their own clothes. The clothes of the little man, in + particular, Murphy took especial delight in sousing more profusely than + his neighbour's, and not content with taking his shoes, burnt his + stockings, and left the ashes in the dish of the candlestick, with just as + much unconsumed as would show what they had been. He then retired to the + parlour, and with many an internal chuckle at the thought of the morning's + hubbub, threw off his clothes and flinging himself on the shake-down Mrs. + Kelly had provided for him, was soon wrapt in the profoundest slumber, + from which he never awoke until the morning uproar of the inn aroused him. + He jumped from his lair and rushed to the scene of action, to soar in the + storm of his own raising; and to make it more apparent that he had been as + great a sufferer as the rest, he only threw a quilt over his shoulders and + did not draw on his stockings. In this plight he scaled the stairs and + joined the storming party, where the little man was leading the forlorn + hope, with his candlestick in one hand and the remnant of his burnt + stocking between the finger and thumb of the other. + </p> + <p> + “Look at that, sir!” he cried, as he held it up to the landlord. + </p> + <p> + The landlord could only stare. + </p> + <p> + “Bless me!” cried Murphy, “how drunk you must have been to mistake your + stocking for an extinguisher!” + </p> + <p> + “Drunk, sir—I wasn't drunk!” + </p> + <p> + “It looks very like it,” said Murphy, who did not wait for an answer, but + bustled off to another party who was wringing out his inexpressibles at + the door of his bed-room, and swearing at the gossoon that he <i>must</i> + have his boots. + </p> + <p> + “I never seen them, sir,” said the boy. + </p> + <p> + “I left them at my door,” said the man. + </p> + <p> + “So did I leave mine,” said Murphy, “and here I am barefooted—it is + most extraordinary.” + </p> + <p> + “Has the house been robbed?” said the innocent elector. + </p> + <p> + “Not a one o' me knows, sir!” said the boy; “but how could it be robbed + and the doors all fast this mornin'?” + </p> + <p> + The landlady now appeared, and fired at the word “robbed!” + </p> + <p> + “Robbed, sir!” exclaimed Mrs. Kelly; “no, sir—no one was ever robbed + in my house—my house is respectable and responsible, sir—a + vartuous house—none o' your rantipole places, sir, I'd have you to + know, but decent and well behaved, and the house was as quiet as a lamb + all night.” + </p> + <p> + “Certainly, Mrs. Kelly,” said Murphy—“not a more respectable house + in Ireland—I'll vouch for that.” + </p> + <p> + “You're a gentleman, Misther Murphy,” said Mrs. Kelly, who turned down the + passage, uttering indignant ejaculations in a sort of snorting manner, + while her words of anger were returned by Murphy with expressions of + soothing and condolence as he followed her down-stairs. + </p> + <p> + The storm still continued above, and while there they shouted and swore + and complained, Murphy gave <i>his</i> notion of the catastrophe to the + landlady below, inferring that the men were drunk and poured the water + over their own clothes. To repeat this idea to themselves he re-ascended, + but the men were incredulous. The little man he found buttoning on a pair + of black gaiters, the only serviceable decency he had at his command, + which only rendered his denuded state more ludicrous. To him Murphy + asserted his belief that the whole affair was enchantment, and ventured to + hope the small individual would have more faith in fairy machinations for + the future; to which the little abortion only returned his usual “Pho! + pho! nonsense!” + </p> + <p> + Through all this scene of uproar, as Murphy passed to and fro, whenever he + encountered the landlord, that worthy individual threw him a knowing look; + and the exclamation of, “Oh, Misther Murphy—by dad!” given in a low + chuckling tone, insinuated that the landlord not only smoked but enjoyed + the joke. + </p> + <p> + “You must lend me a pair of boots, Kelly!” said Murtough. + </p> + <p> + “To be sure, sir—ha! ha! ha!—but you are the quare man, + Misther Murphy—” + </p> + <p> + “Send down the road and get my gig out of the ditch.” + </p> + <p> + “To be sure, sir. Poor devils! purty hands they got into,” and off went + the landlord, with a chuckle. + </p> + <p> + The messengers sent for the gig returned, declaring there was no gig to be + seen anywhere. + </p> + <p> + Murphy affected great surprise at the intelligence—again went among + the bamboozled electors, who were all obliged to go to bed for want of + clothes; and his bitter lamentations over the loss of his gig almost + reconciled them to their minor troubles. + </p> + <p> + To the fears they expressed that they should not be able to reach the town + in time for polling that day, Murphy told them to set their minds at rest, + for they would be in time on the next. + </p> + <p> + He then borrowed a saddle as well as the pair of boots from the landlord, + and the little black mare bore Murphy triumphantly back to the town, after + he had securely impounded Scatterbrain's voters, who were anxiously and + hourly expected by their friends. Still they came not. At last, Handy + Andy, who happened to be in town with Scatterbrain, was despatched to + hurry them, and his orders were not to come back without them. + </p> + <p> + Handy, on his arrival at the inn, found the electors in bed, and all the + fires in the house employed in drying their clothes. The little man, + wrapped in a blanket, was superintending the cooking of his own before the + kitchen grate; there hung his garments on some cross sticks suspended by a + string, after the fashion of a roasting-jack, which the small gentleman + turned before a blazing turf fire; and beside this contrivance of his + swung a goodly joint of meat, which a bouncing kitchen wench came over to + baste now and then. + </p> + <p> + Andy was answering some questions of the inquisitive little man, when the + kitchen maid, handing the basting-ladle to Andy, begged him to do a good + turn and just to baste the beef for her, for that her heart was broke with + all she had to do, cooking dinner for so many. + </p> + <p> + Andy, always ready to oblige, consented, and plied the ladle actively + between the troublesome queries of the little man; but at last, getting + confused with some very crabbed questions put to him, Andy became + completely bothered, and lifting a brimming ladle of dripping, poured it + over the little man's coat instead of the beef. + </p> + <p> + A roar from the proprietor of the clothes followed, and he implanted a + kick at such advantage upon Andy, that he upset him into the dripping-pan; + and Andy, in his fall, endeavouring to support himself, caught at the + suspended articles above him, and the clothes, and the beef, and Andy, all + swam in gravy. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0003" id="linkimage-0003"></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:80%"> + <img alt="Andy's Cooking Extraordinary" src="images/cooking.jpg" + width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0004" id="link2HCH0004"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXV + </h2> + <p> + While disaster and hubbub were rife below, the electors up-stairs were + holding a council whether it would not be better to send back the + “Honourable's” messenger to the town and request a supply of shoes, which + they had no other means of getting. The debate was of an odd sort; they + were all in their several beds at the time, and roared at each other + through their doors, which were purposely left open that they might enjoy + each other's conversation; number seven replied to number three, and + claimed respect to his arguments on the score of seniority; the blue room + was completely controverted by the yellow; and the double-bedded room + would, of course, have had superior weight in the argument, only that + everything it said was lost by the two honourable members speaking + together. The French king used to hold a council called a “bed of + justice,” in which neither justice nor a bed had anything to do, so that + this Irish conference better deserved the title than any council the + Bourbon ever assembled. The debate having concluded, and the question + being put and carried, the usher of the black counterpane was desired to + get out of bed, and, wrapped in the robe of office whence he derived his + title, to go down-stairs and call the “Honourable's” messenger to the “bar + of the house,” and there order him a pint of porter, for refreshment after + his ride; and forthwith to send him back again to the town for a supply of + shoes. + </p> + <p> + The house was unanimous in voting the supplies. The usher reached the + kitchen and found Andy in his shirt sleeves, scraping the dripping from + his livery with an old knife, whose hackled edge considerably assisted + Andy's own ingenuity in the tearing of his coat in many places, while the + little man made no effort towards the repair of his garment, but held it + up before him, and regarded it with a piteous look. + </p> + <p> + To the usher of the black counterpane's question, whether Andy was the + “Honourable's messenger,” Andy replied in the affirmative; but to the + desire expressed, that he would ride back to the town, Andy returned a + decided negative. + </p> + <p> + “My ordhers is not to go back without you,” said Andy. + </p> + <p> + “But we have no shoes,” said the usher; “and cannot go until we get some.” + </p> + <p> + “My ordher is not to go back without you.” + </p> + <p> + “But if we can't go?” + </p> + <p> + “Well, then, I can't go back, that's all,” said Andy. + </p> + <p> + The usher, the landlord, and the landlady all hammered away at Andy for a + long time, in vain trying to convince him he ought to return, as he was + desired; still Andy stuck to the letter of his orders, and said he often + got into trouble for not doing <i>exactly</i> what he was bid, and that he + was bid “not to go back without them, and he would not—so he + wouldn't—divil a fut.” + </p> + <p> + At last, however, Andy was made to understand the propriety of riding back + to the town; and was desired to go as fast as his horse could carry him, + to gallop every foot of the way; but Andy did no such thing; he had + received a good thrashing once for being caught galloping his master's + horse on the road, and he had no intention of running the risk a second + time, because “<i>the stranger</i>” told him to do so. “What does he know + about it?” said Andy to himself; “'faith, it's fair and aisy I'll go, and + not disthress the horse to plaze any one.” So he went back his ten miles + at a reasonable pace only; and when he appeared without the electors, a + storm burst on poor Andy. + </p> + <p> + “There! I knew how it would be,” said he, “and not my fault at all.” + </p> + <p> + “Weren't you told not to return without them?” + </p> + <p> + “But wait till I tell you how it was, sure;” and then Andy began an + account of the condition in which the voters lay at the inn but between + the impatience of those who heard, and the confused manner of Andy's + recital, it was some time before matters were explained; and then Andy was + desired to ride back to the inn again, to tell the electors shoes should + be forwarded after him in a post-chaise, and requesting their utmost + exertions in hastening over to the town, for that the election was going + against them. Andy returned to the inn; and this time, under orders from + head quarters, galloped in good earnest, and brought in his horse smoking + hot, and indicating lameness. The day was wearing apace, and it was so + late when the electors were enabled to start that the polling-booths were + closed before they could leave the town; and in many of these booths the + requisite number of electors had not been polled that day to keep them + open; so that the next day nearly all those outlying electors, about whom + there had been so much trouble and expense, would be of no avail. Thus, + Murphy's trick was quite successful, and the poor pickled electors were + driven back to their inn in dudgeon. + </p> + <p> + Andy, when he went to the stable to saddle his steed, for a return to + Neck-or-Nothing Hall, found him dead lame, so that to ride him better than + twelve miles home was impossible. Andy was obliged to leave him where he + was, and trudge it to the hall; for all the horses in Kelly's stables were + knocked up with their day's work. + </p> + <p> + As it was shorter by four miles across the country than by the road, Andy + pursued the former course; and as he knew the country well, the shades of + evening, which were now closing round, did not deter him in the least. + Andy was not very fresh for the journey to be sure, for he had ridden + upwards of thirty miles that day, so the merry whistle, which is so + constantly heard from the lively Irish pedestrian, did not while away the + tedium of his walk. It was night when Andy was breasting up a low ridge of + hills, which lay between him and the end of his journey; and when in + silence and darkness he topped the ascent, he threw himself on some + heather to rest and take breath. His attention was suddenly caught by a + small blue flame, which flickered now and then on the face of the hill, + not very far from him; and Andy's fears of fairies and goblins came + crowding upon him thick and fast. He wished to rise, but could not; his + eye continued to be strained with the fascination of fear in the direction + he saw the fire, and sought to pierce the gloom through which, at + intervals, the small point of flame flashed brightly and sunk again, + making the darkness seem deeper. Andy lay in perfect stillness, and in the + silence, which was unbroken even by his own breathing, he thought he heard + voices underground. He trembled from head to foot, for he was certain they + were the voices of the fairies, whom he firmly believed to inhabit the + hills. + </p> + <p> + “Oh! murdher, what'll I do?” thought Andy to himself: “sure I heerd often, + if once you were within the sound of their voices, you could never get out + o' their power. Oh! if I could only say a <i>pather</i> and <i>ave</i>, + but I forget my prayers with the fright. Hail, Mary! The king o' the + fairies lives in these hills, I know—and his house is undher me this + minit, and I on the roof of it—I'll never get down again—I'll + never get down again—they'll make me slater to the fairies; and sure + enough I remember me, the hill is all covered with flat stones they call + fairy slates. Oh! I am ruined—God be praised!” Here he blessed + himself, and laid his head close to the earth. “Guardian angels—I + hear their voices singin' a dhrinking song—Oh! if I had a dhrop o' + water myself, for my mouth is as dhry as a lime-burner's wig—and I + on the top o' their house—see—there's the little blaze again—I + wondher is their chimbley afire—Oh! murther, I'll die o' thirst—Oh! + if I had only one dhrop o' wather—I wish it would rain or hail—Hail, + Mary, full o' grace—whisht! what's that?” Andy crouched lower than + before, as he saw a figure rise from the earth, and attain a height which + Andy computed to be something about twenty feet; his heart shrank to the + size of a nut-shell, as he beheld the monster expand to his full + dimensions; and at the same moment, a second, equally large, emerged from + the ground. + </p> + <p> + Now, as fairies are notoriously little people, Andy changed his opinion of + the parties into whose power he had fallen, and saw clearly they were + giants, not fairies, of whom he was about to become the victim. He would + have ejaculated a prayer for mercy, had not terror rendered him + speechless, as the remembrance of all the giants he had ever heard of, + from the days of Jack and the Bean-stalk down, came into his head; but + though his sense of speaking was gone, that of hearing was painfully + acute, and he heard one of the giants say— + </p> + <p> + “That pot is not big enough.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh! it howlds as much as we want,” replied the other. + </p> + <p> + “O Lord,” thought Andy; “they've got their pot ready for cooking.” + </p> + <p> + “What keeps him?” said the first giant. + </p> + <p> + “Oh! he's not far off,” said the second. + </p> + <p> + A clammy shivering came over Andy. + </p> + <p> + “I'm hungry,” said the first, and he hiccupped as he spoke. + </p> + <p> + “It's only a false appetite you have,” said the second, “you're drunk.” + </p> + <p> + This was a new light to Andy, for he thought giants were too strong to get + drunk. “I could ate a young child, without parsley and butther,” said the + drunken giant. Andy gave a faint spasmodic kick. + </p> + <p> + “And it's as hot as —— down there,” said the giant. + </p> + <p> + Andy trembled at the horrid word he heard. + </p> + <p> + “No wonder,” said the second giant; “for I can see the flame popping out + at the top of the chimbley; that's bad: I hope no one will see it, or it + might give them warning. Bad luck to that young divil for making the fire + so sthrong.” + </p> + <p> + What a dreadful hearing this was for Andy: young devils to make their + fires; there was no doubt what place they were dwelling in. “Thunder and + turf!” said the drunken giant; “I wish I had a slice of—” + </p> + <p> + Andy did not hear what he wished a slice of, for the night wind swept + across the heath at the moment, and carried away the monster's disgusting + words on its pure breath. + </p> + <p> + “Well, I'd rather have—” said the other giant; and again Andy lost + what his atrocious desires were—“than all the other slices in the + world. What a lovely round shoulder she has, and the nice round ankle of + her—” + </p> + <p> + The word “ankle” showed at once it was a woman of whom he spoke, and Andy + shuddered. “The monsters! to eat a woman.” + </p> + <p> + “What a fool you are to be in love,” said the drunken giant with several + hiccups, showing the increase of his inebriation. + </p> + <p> + “Is that what the brutes call love,” thought Andy, “to ate a woman?” + </p> + <p> + “I wish she was bone of my bone and flesh of my flesh,” said the second + giant. Of this speech Andy heard only “bone” and “flesh,” and had great + difficulty in maintaining the serenity of his diaphragm. + </p> + <p> + The conversation of the giants was now more frequently interrupted by the + wind which was rising, and only broken sentences reached Andy, whose + senses became clearer the longer he remained in a state of safety; at last + he heard the name of Squire Egan distinctly pass between the giants. + </p> + <p> + “So they know Squire Egan,” thought Andy. + </p> + <p> + The first giant gave a drunken laugh at the mention of Squire Egan's name, + and exclaimed— + </p> + <p> + “Don't be afraid of him (<i>hiccup</i>); I have him undher my thumb (<i>hiccup</i>). + I can crush him when I plase.” + </p> + <p> + “O! my poor owld masther!” mentally ejaculated Andy. + </p> + <p> + Another break in their conversation occurred, and the next name Andy + overheard was “O'Grady.” + </p> + <p> + “The big bully!” said the second giant. + </p> + <p> + “They know the whole country,” thought Andy. + </p> + <p> + “But tell me, what was that you said to him at the election?” said the + drunken one. + </p> + <p> + The word “election” recalled Andy to the business of this earth back + again; and it struck upon his hitherto bewildered sensorium that giants + could have nothing to do with elections, and he knew he never saw them + there; and, as the thought struck him, it seemed as if the giants + diminished in size, and did not appear <i>quite</i> so big. + </p> + <p> + “Sure you know,” said the second. + </p> + <p> + “Well, I'd like to hear it again,” said the drunken one (<i>hiccup</i>). + </p> + <p> + “The big bully says to me, 'Have you a lease?' says he; 'No,' says I; 'but + I have an article!' 'What article?' says he; 'It's a fine brass + blunderbuss,' says I, 'and <i>I'd like to see the man would dispute the + title!</i>'” + </p> + <p> + The drunken listener chuckled, and the words broke the spell of + supernatural terror which had hung over Andy; he knew, by the words of the + speaker, it was the bully joker of the election was present, who browbeat + O'Grady and out-quibbled the agent about the oath of allegiance; and the + voice of the other he soon recognised for that of Larry Hogan. So now his + giants were diminished into mortal men—the pot, which had been + mentioned to the terror of his soul, was for the making of whisky instead + of human broth—and the “hell” he thought his giants inhabited was + but a private still. Andy felt as if a mountain had been lifted from his + heart when he found it was but mortals he had to deal with; for Andy was + not deficient in courage when it was but thews and sinews like his own he + had to encounter. He still lay concealed, however, for smugglers might not + wish their private haunt to be discovered, and it was possible Andy would + be voted one too many in the company should he announce himself; and with + such odds as two to one against him he thought he had better be quiet. + Besides, his curiosity became excited when he found them speaking of his + old master, Egan, and his present one, O'Grady; and as a woman had been + alluded to, and odd words caught up here and there, he became anxious to + hear more of their conversation. + </p> + <p> + “So you're in love,” said Larry, with a hiccup, to our friend of the + blunderbuss; “ha! ha! ha! you big fool.” + </p> + <p> + “Well, you old thief, don't you like a purty girl yourself?” + </p> + <p> + “I did, when I was young and foolish.” + </p> + <p> + “'Faith, then, you're young and foolish at that rate yet, for you're a + rogue with the girls, Larry,” said the other, giving him a slap on the + back. + </p> + <p> + “Not I! not I!” said Larry, in a manner expressive of his not being + displeased with the charge of gallantry; “he! he! he!—how do you + know, eh?” (<i>Hiccup</i>.) “Sure, I know myself; but as I wos telling + you, if I could only lay howld of—” here his voice became inaudible + to Andy, and the rest of the sentence was lost. + </p> + <p> + Andy's curiosity was great. “Who could the girl be?” + </p> + <p> + “And you'd carry her off?” said Larry. + </p> + <p> + “I would,” said the other; “I'm only afraid o' Squire Egan.” + </p> + <p> + At this announcement of the intention of “carrying her off,” coupled with + the fear of “Squire Egan,” Andy's anxiety to hear the name of the person + became so intense that he crawled cautiously a little nearer to the + speakers. + </p> + <p> + “I tell you again,” said Larry, “I can settle <i>him</i> aisy (<i>hiccup</i>)—he's + undher my thumb (<i>hiccup</i>).” + </p> + <p> + “Be aisy,” said the other, contemptuously, who thought this was a mere + drunken delusion of Larry's. + </p> + <p> + “I tell you I'm his masther!” said Larry, with a drunken flourish of his + arm; and he continued bragging of his power over the Squire in various + ejaculations, the exact meaning of which our friend of the blunderbuss + could not fathom, but Andy heard enough to show him that the discovery of + the post-office affair was what Larry alluded to. + </p> + <p> + That Larry, a close, cunning, circumventing rascal, should so far betray + the source of his power over Egan may seem strange; but be it remembered + Larry was drunk, a state of weakness which his caution generally guarded + him from falling into, but which being in, his foible was bragging of his + influence, and so running the risk of losing it. + </p> + <p> + The men continued to talk together for some time, and the tenour of the + conversation was, that Larry assured his companion he might carry off the + girl without fear of Egan, but her name Andy could not discover. His own + name he heard more than once, and voluptuous raptures poured forth about + lovely lips and hips and ankles from the herculean knight of the + blunderbuss, amidst the maudlin admiration and hiccups of Larry, who + continued to brag of his power, and profess his readiness to stand by his + friend in carrying off the girl. + </p> + <p> + “Then,” said the Hercules, with an oath, “I'll soon have you in my arms, + my lovely—” + </p> + <p> + The name was lost again. + </p> + <p> + Their colloquy was now interrupted by the approach of a man and woman, the + former being the person for whose appearance Larry made so many inquiries + when he first appeared to Andy as the hungry giant; the other was the + sister of the knight of the blunderbuss. Larry having hiccupped his anger + against the man for making them wait so long for the bacon, the woman said + he should not wait longer without his supper now, for that she would go + down and fry the rashers immediately. She then disappeared through the + ground, and the men all followed. + </p> + <p> + Andy drew his breath freely once more, and with caution raised himself + gradually from the ground with a careful circumspection, lest any of the + subterranean community might be watchers on the hill; and when he was + satisfied he was free from observation, he stole away from the spot with + stealthy steps for about twenty paces, and there, as well as the darkness + would permit, after taking such landmarks as would help him to retrace his + way to the still, if requisite, he dashed down the hill at the top of his + speed. This pace he did not moderate until he had placed nearly a mile + between him and the scene of his adventure; he then paced slowly to regain + his breath. His head was in a strange whirl; mischief was threatened + against some one of whose name he was ignorant; Squire Egan was declared + to be in the power of an old rascal; this grieved Andy most of all, for he + felt <i>he</i> was the cause of his old master's dilemma. + </p> + <p> + “Oh! to think I should bring him into trouble,” said Andy, “the kind and + good masther he was to me ever, and I live to tell it like a blackguard—throth + I'd rather be hanged any day than the masther would come to throuble—maybe + if I gave myself up and was hanged like a man at once, that would settle + it; 'faith, if I thought it would, I'd do it sooner than Squire Egan + should come to throuble!” and poor Andy spoke just what he felt. “Or would + it do to kill that blackguard Hogan? <i>sure they could do no more than + hang me afther</i>, and that would save the masther, and be all one to me, + for they often towld me I'd be hanged. But then there's my sowl,” said + Andy, and he paused at the thought—, “if they hanged me for the + letthers, it would be only for a mistake, and sure then I'd have a chance + o' glory; for sure I might go to glory through a mistake; but if I killed + a man on purpose, sure it would be slappin' the gates of Heaven in my own + face. Faix, I'll spake to Father Blake about it.” + </p> + <p> + [Footnote: How often has the sanguinary penal code of past years suggested + this reflection and provoked the guilt it was meant to awe! Happily, now + our laws are milder, and more protective from their mildness.] + </p> + <p> + [Footnote: In the foregoing passage, Andy stumbles on uttering a quaint + pleasantry, for it is partly true as well as droll—the notion of a + man gaining Paradise through a mistake. Our intentions too seldom lead us + there, but rather tend the other way, for a certain place is said to be + paved with “good” ones, and surely “bad” ones would not lead us upwards. + Then the phrase of a man “slapping the gates of Heaven in his own face,” + is one of those wild poetic figures of speech in which the Irish peasantry + often indulge. The phrase “slapping the door” is every-day and common; but + when applied to “the gates of Heaven,” and “in a man's own face,” the + common phrase becomes fine. But how often the commonest things become + poetry by the fitness of their application, though poetasters and people + of small minds think greatness of thought lies in big words.] + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0005" id="link2HCH0005"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXVI + </h2> + <p> + The following day was that eventful one which should witness the return of + either Edward Egan, Esq., or the Honourable Sackville Scatterbrain as + member for the county. There was no doubt in any reasonable man's mind as + to the real majority of Egan, but the numbers were sufficiently close to + give the sheriff an opportunity of doing a bit of business to oblige his + friends, and therefore he declared the Honourable Sackville Scatterbrain + duly elected. Great was the uproar; the people hissed, and hooted, and + groaned, for which the Honourable Sackville very good-naturedly returned + them his thanks. Murphy snapped his fingers in the sheriff's face, and + told them his honourable friend should not long remain member, for that he + must be unseated on petition, and that he would prove the return most + corrupt, with which words he again snapped his fingers in the sheriff's + face. + </p> + <p> + The sheriff threatened to read the riot act if such conduct was repeated. + </p> + <p> + Egan took off his hat, and thanked him for his <i>honourable, upright, and + impartial</i> conduct, whereupon all Egan's friends took off their hats + also, and made profound bows to the functionary, and then laughed most + uproariously. Counter laughs were returned from the opposite party, who + begged to remind the Eganites of the old saying, “that they might laugh + who win.” A cross-fire of sarcasms was kept up amidst the two parties as + they were crushing forward out of the courthouse; and at the door, before + entering his carriage, Scatterbrain very politely addressed Egan, and + trusted that, though they had met as rivals on the hustings, they + nevertheless parted friends, and expressing the highest respect for the + squire, offered his hand in amity. + </p> + <p> + Egan, equally good-hearted as his opponent, shook his hand cordially; + declaring he attributed to him none of the blame which attached to other + persons. “Besides, my dear sir,” said Egan, laughing, “I should be a very + ill-natured person to grudge you so small an indulgence as being member of + parliament <i>for a month or so</i>.” + </p> + <p> + Scatterbrain returned the laugh, good-humouredly, and replied that, “at + all events, he <i>had</i> the seat.” + </p> + <p> + “Yes, my dear sir,” said Egan, “and make the most of it <i>while</i> you + have it. In short, I shall owe you an obligation when I go over to St. + Stephen's, for you will have just <i>aired my seat</i> for me—good + bye.” + </p> + <p> + They parted with smiles, and drove to their respective homes; but as even + doubtful possession is preferable to expectation for the time being, it is + certain that Neck-or-Nothing Hall rang with more merriment that night on + the reality of the present, than Merryvale did on the hope of the future. + </p> + <p> + Even O'Grady, as he lay with his wounded arm on the sofa, found more + healing in the triumph of the hour than from all the medicaments of the + foregoing week, and insisted on going down-stairs and joining the party at + supper. + </p> + <p> + “Gusty, dear,” said his wife, “you know the doctor said—” + </p> + <p> + “Hang the doctor!” + </p> + <p> + “Your arm, my love.” + </p> + <p> + “I wish you'd leave off pitying my arm, and have some compassion on my + stomach.” + </p> + <p> + “The doctor said—” + </p> + <p> + “There are oysters in the house; I'll do myself more good by the use of an + oyster-knife than all the lancets in the College of Surgeons.” + </p> + <p> + “But your wound, dear?” + </p> + <p> + “Are they Carlingfords or Poldoodies?” + </p> + <p> + “So fresh, love.” + </p> + <p> + “So much the better.” + </p> + <p> + “Your wound I mean, dear?” + </p> + <p> + “Nicely opened.” + </p> + <p> + “Only dressed an hour ago?” + </p> + <p> + “With some mustard, pepper, and vinegar.” + </p> + <p> + “Indeed, Gusty, if you take my advice—” + </p> + <p> + “I'd rather have oysters any day.” + </p> + <p> + O'Grady sat up on the sofa as he spoke and requested his wife to say no + more about the matter, but put on his cravat. While she was getting it + from his wardrobe, his mind wandered from supper to the pension, which he + looked upon as secure now that Scatterbrain was returned; and oyster-banks + gave place to the Bank of Ireland, which rose in a pleasing image before + O'Grady's imagination. The wife now returned with the cravat, still + dreading the result of eating to her husband, and her mind occupied wholly + with the thought of supper, while O'Grady was wrapt in visions of a + pension. + </p> + <p> + “You won't take it, Gusty, dear,” said his wife with all the insinuation + of manner she could command. + </p> + <p> + “Won't I, 'faith?” said O'Grady. “Maybe you think I don't want it?” + </p> + <p> + “Indeed, I don't, dear.” + </p> + <p> + “Are you mad, woman? Is it taking leave of the few senses you ever had you + are?” + </p> + <p> + “'T won't agree with you.” + </p> + <p> + “Won't it? just wait till I'm tried.” + </p> + <p> + “Well, love, how much do you expect to be allowed?” + </p> + <p> + “Why I can't expect much just yet—we must begin gently—feel + the pulse first; but I should hope, by way of start, that six or seven + hundred—” + </p> + <p> + “Gracious Heaven!” exclaimed his wife, dropping the cravat from her hands. + “What the devil is the woman shouting at?” said O'Grady. + </p> + <p> + “Six or seven hundred!!!” exclaimed Mrs. O'Grady; “my dear, there's not as + much in the house.” + </p> + <p> + “No, nor has not been for many a long day; I know that as well as you,” + said O'Grady; “but I hope we shall get as much for all that.” + </p> + <p> + “My dear, where could you get them?” asked the wife, timidly, who began to + think his head was a little light. + </p> + <p> + “From the treasury, to be sure.” + </p> + <p> + “The treasury, my dear?” said the wife, still at fault; “how could you get + oysters from the treasury?” + </p> + <p> + “Oysters!” exclaimed O'Grady, whose turn it was now to wonder, “who talks + of oysters?” + </p> + <p> + “My dear, I thought you said you'd eat six or seven hundred of oysters!” + </p> + <p> + “Pooh! pooh! woman; it is of the pension I'm talking—six or seven + hundred pounds—pounds—cash—per annum; now I suppose + you'll put on my cravat. I think a man may be allowed to eat his supper + who expects six hundred a year.” + </p> + <p> + A great many people besides O'Grady order suppers, and dinners too, on the + expectation of less than six hundred a year. Perhaps there is no more + active agent for sending people into the Insolvent Court than the + aforesaid “<i>expectation</i>.” + </p> + <p> + O'Grady went down-stairs, and was heartily welcomed by Scatterbrain on his + re-appearance from his sick-room; but Mrs. O'Grady suggested that, for + fear any excess would send him back there for a longer time, a very + moderate indulgence at the table should suffice. She begged the honourable + member to back her argument, which he did; and O'Grady promised + temperance, but begged the immediate appearance of the oysters, for he + experienced that eager desire which delicate health so often prompts for + some particular food. + </p> + <p> + Andy was laying the table at the time, and was ordered to expedite matters + as much as possible. + </p> + <p> + “Yis, ma'am.” + </p> + <p> + “You're sure the oysters are all good, Andy?” + </p> + <p> + “Sartin, ma'am.” + </p> + <p> + “Because the last oysters you know—” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, yis, ma'am—were bad, ma'am—bekase they had their mouths + all open. I remember, ma'am; but when I'm towld a thing once, I never + forget it again; and you towld me when they opened their mouths once they + were no good. So you see, ma'am, I'll never bring up bad oysthers again, + ma'am.” + </p> + <p> + “Very good, Andy; and you have kept them in a cool place, I hope.” + </p> + <p> + “Faix, they're cowld enough where I put them, ma'am.” + </p> + <p> + “Very well; bring them up at once.” + </p> + <p> + Off went Andy, and returned with all the haste he could with a large dish + heaped up with oysters. + </p> + <p> + O'Grady rubbed his hands with the impatience of a true lover of the + crustaceous delicacy, and Scatterbrain, eager to help him, flourished his + oyster-knife; but before he had time to commence operations the olfactory + nerves of the company gave evidence that the oysters were rather + suspicious; every one began sniffing, and a universal “Oh dear!” ran round + the table. + </p> + <p> + “Don't you smell it, Furlong?” said Scatterbrain, who was so lost in + looking at Augusta's mustachios that he did not mind anything else. + </p> + <p> + “Isn't it horrid?” said O'Grady, with a look of disgust. + </p> + <p> + Furlong thought he alluded to the mustachio, and replied with an assurance + that he “liked it of all things.” + </p> + <p> + “Like it?” said O'Grady; “you've a queer taste. What do <i>you</i> think + of it, miss?” added he to Augusta, “it's just under your nose.” Furlong + thought this rather personal, even from a father. + </p> + <p> + “I'll try my knife on one,” said Scatterbrain, with a flourish of the + oyster-knife, which Furlong thought resembled the preliminary trial of a + barber's razor. + </p> + <p> + Furlong thought this worse than O'Grady; but he hesitated to reply to his + chief, and an <i>honourable</i> into the bargain. + </p> + <p> + In the meantime, Scatterbrain opened an oyster, which Furlong, in his + embarrassment and annoyance, did not perceive. + </p> + <p> + “Cut off the beard,” said O'Grady, “I don't like it.” + </p> + <p> + This nearly made Furlong speak, but, considering O'Grady's temper and + ill-health, he hesitated, till he saw Augusta rubbing her eye, in + consequence of a small splinter of the oyster-shell having struck it from + Scatterbrain's mismanagement of his knife; but Furlong thought she was + crying, and then he could be silent no longer; he went over to where she + sat, and with a very affectionate demonstration in his action, said, + “Never mind them, dear Gussy—never mind—don't cwy—I love + her dear little moustachios, I do.” He gave a gentle pat on the back of + the neck as he spoke, and it was returned by an uncommonly smart box on + the ear from the young lady, and the whole party looked thunderstruck. + “Dear Gussy” cried for spite, and stamped her way out of the room, + followed by Furlong. + </p> + <p> + “Let them go,” said O'Grady; “they'll make it up outside.” + </p> + <p> + “These oysters are all bad,” said Scatterbrain. + </p> + <p> + O'Grady began to swear at his disappointment—he had set his heart on + oysters. Mrs. O'Grady rang the bell—Andy appeared. + </p> + <p> + “How dare you bring up such oysters as these?” roared O'Grady. + </p> + <p> + “The misthris ordhered them, sir.” + </p> + <p> + “I told you never to bring up bad oysters,” said she. + </p> + <p> + “Them's not bad, ma'am,” said Andy, + </p> + <p> + “Have you a nose?” says O'Grady. + </p> + <p> + “Yes, sir.” + </p> + <p> + “And can't you smell them, then?” + </p> + <p> + “Faix, I smelt them for the last three days, sir.” + </p> + <p> + “And how could you say they were good, then?” asked his mistress. + </p> + <p> + “Sure you tould me, ma'am, that if they didn't open their mouths they were + good, and I'll be on my book oath them oysters never opened their mouths + since I had them, for I laid them on a coolflag in the kitchen and put the + jack-weight over them.” + </p> + <p> + Notwithstanding O'Grady's rage, Scatterbrain could not help roaring with + laughter at Andy's novel contrivance for keeping oysters fresh. Andy was + desired to take the “ancient and fish-like smell” out of the room, amidst + jeers and abuse; and, as he fumbled his way to the kitchen in the dark, + lamenting the hard fate of servants, who can never give satisfaction, + though they do everything they are bid, he went head over heels + down-stairs, which event was reported to the whole house as soon as it + happened, by the enormous clatter of the broken dish, the oysters, and + Andy, as they all rolled one over the other to the bottom. + </p> + <p> + O'Grady, having missed the cool supper he intended, and had longed for, + was put into a rage by the disappointment; and as hunger with O'Grady was + only to be appeased by broiled bones, accordingly, against all the + endeavours of everybody, the bells rang violently through the house, and + the ogre-like cry of “broiled bones!” resounded high and low. + </p> + <p> + The reader is sufficiently well acquainted with O'Grady by this time to + know, that of course, when once he had determined to have his broiled + bone, nothing on the face of the earth could prevent it but the want of + anything to broil, or the immediate want of his teeth; and as his + masticators were in order, and something in the house which could carry + mustard and pepper, the invalid primed and loaded himself with as much + combustible matter as exploded in a fever the next day. + </p> + <p> + The supper-party, however, in the hope of getting him to bed, separated + soon; and as Scatterbrain and Furlong were to start early in the morning + for Dublin, the necessity of their retiring to rest was pleaded. The + honourable member had not been long in his room when he heard a tap at his + door, and his order to “come in” was followed by the appearance of Handy + Andy. + </p> + <p> + “I found somethin' on the road nigh the town to-day, sir, and I thought it + might be yours, maybe,” said Andy, producing a small pocket-book. + </p> + <p> + The honourable member disavowed the ownership. + </p> + <p> + “Well, there's something else I want to speak to your honour about.” + </p> + <p> + “What is it, Handy?” + </p> + <p> + “I want your honour to see the account of the money your honour gave me + that I spint at the <i>shebeen</i> [Footnote: Low publick house.] upon the + 'lecthors that couldn't be accommodated at Mrs. Fay's.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh! never mind it, Andy; if there's anything over, keep it yourself.” + </p> + <p> + “Thank your honour, but I must make the account all the same, if you + plaze, for I'm going to Father Blake, to my duty, [Footnote: Confession.] + soon, and I must have my conscience as clear as I can, and I wouldn't like + to be keeping money back.” + </p> + <p> + “But if I give you the money, what matter?” + </p> + <p> + “I'd rather you'd just look over this little bit of a count, if you + plaze,” said Andy, producing a dirty piece of paper, with some nearly + inscrutable hieroglyphics upon it. Scatterbrain commenced an examination + of this literary phenomenon from sheer curiosity, asking Andy at the same + time if <i>he</i> wrote it. + </p> + <p> + “Yis, sir,” said Andy; “but you see the man couldn't keep the count of the + piper's dhrink at all, it was so confusin', and so I was obliged to pay + him for that every time the piper dhrunk, and keep it separate, and the + 'lecthors that got their dinner afther the bill was made out I put down + myself too, and that's it you see, sir, both ating and dhrinkin'.” + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + To Dhrinkin A blind piper everry day + wan and in Pens six dais 0 16 6 + To atein four Tin Illikthurs And Thare 1 8 8 + horses on Chewsdai 0 14 0 + ————- + Toe til 2 19 4 + Lan lord Bil For All Be four 7 17 8-1/2 + ————- + 10 18 12-1/2 +</pre> + <p> + “Then I owe you money, instead of your having a balance in hand, Andy,” + said the member. + </p> + <p> + “Oh, no matter, your honour; it's not for that I showed you the account.” + </p> + <p> + “It's very like it, though,” said Scatterbrain, laughing; “here, Andy, + here are a couple of pounds for you, take them, Andy—take it and be + off; your bill is worth the money,” and Scatterbrain closed the door on + the great accountant. + </p> + <p> + Andy next went to Furlong's room, to know if the pocket-book belonged to + him; it did not, but Furlong, though he disclaimed the ownership, had that + small curiosity which prompts little minds to pry into what does not + belong to them, and taking the pocket-book into his hands, he opened it, + and fumbled over its leaves; in the doing of which a small piece of folded + paper fell from one of the pockets unnoticed by the impertinent inquisitor + or Andy, to whom he returned the book when he had gratified his senseless + curiosity. Andy withdrew, Furlong retired to rest; and as it was in the + grey of an autumnal morning he dressed himself, the paper still remained + unobserved: so that the housemaid, on setting the room to rights, found + it, and fancying Miss Augusta was the proper person to confide Mr. + Furlong's stray papers to, she handed that young lady the manuscript which + bore the following copy of verses:— + </p> + <h3> + I CAN NE'ER FORGET THEE + </h3> + <h3> + I + </h3> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + It is the chime, the hour draws near + When you and I must sever; + Alas, it must be many a year, + And it <i>may</i> be for ever! + How long till we shall meet again! + How short since first I met thee! + How brief the bliss—how long the pain— + For I can ne'er forget thee. +</pre> + <h3> + II + </h3> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + You said my heart was cold and stern; + You doubted love when strongest: + In future days you'll live to learn + Proud hearts can love the longest. + Oh! sometimes think, when press'd to hear, + When flippant tongues beset thee, + That <i>all</i> must love thee, when thou'rt near, + But <i>one</i> will ne'er forget thee! +</pre> + <h3> + III + </h3> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + The changeful sand doth only know + The shallow tide and latest; + The rocks have mark'd its highest flow, + The deepest and the greatest; + And deeper still the flood-marks grow:— + So, since the hour I met thee, + The more the tide of time doth flow, + The less can I forget thee! +</pre> + <p> + When Augusta saw the lines, she was charmed. She discovered her Furlong to + be a poet! That the lines were his there was no doubt—they were <i>found + in his room,</i> and of course they <i>must</i> be his, just as partial + critics say certain Irish airs must be English, because they are to be + found in Queen Elizabeth's music-book. + </p> + <p> + Augusta was so charmed with the lines that she amused herself for a long + time in hiding them under the sofa-cushion and making her pet dog find and + fetch them. Her pleasure, however, was interrupted by her sister Charlotte + remarking, when the lines were shown to her in triumph, that the writing + was not Furlong's, but in a lady's hand. + </p> + <p> + Even as beer is suddenly soured by thunder, so the electric influence of + Charlotte's words converted all Augusta had been brewing to acidity; + jealousy stung her like a wasp, and she boxed her dog's ears as he was + barking for another run with the verses. + </p> + <p> + “A <i>lady's</i> hand?” said Augusta, snatching the paper from her sister; + “I declare if it ain't! the wretch—so he receives lines from + ladies.” + </p> + <p> + “I think I know the hand, too,” said Charlotte. + </p> + <p> + “You do?” exclaimed Augusta, with flashing eyes. + </p> + <p> + “Yes, I'm certain it is Fanny Dawson's writing.” + </p> + <p> + “So it is,” said Augusta, looking at the paper as if her eyes could have + burnt it; “to be sure—he was there before he came here.” + </p> + <p> + “Only for two days,” said Charlotte, trying to slake the flame she had + raised. + </p> + <p> + “But I've heard that girl always makes conquests at first sight,” returned + Augusta, half crying; “and what do I see here? some words in pencil.” + </p> + <p> + The words were so faint as to be scarcely perceptible, but Augusta + deciphered them; they were written on the margin, beside a circumflex + which embraced the last four lines of the second verse, so that it stood + thus:— + </p> + <p class="side"> + Dearest, I will. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + Oh! sometimes think, when press'd to hear, + When flippant tongues beset thee, + That <i>all</i> must love thee when thou'rt near, + But <i>one</i> will ne'er forget thee! +</pre> + <p> + “Will you, indeed?” said Augusta, crushing the paper in her hand, and + biting it; “but I must not destroy it—I must keep it to prove his + treachery to his face.” She threw herself on the sofa as she spoke, and + gave vent to an outpour of spiteful tears. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0006" id="link2HCH0006"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXVII + </h2> + <p> + How many chapters have been written about love verses—and how many + more might be written!—might, would, could, should, or ought to be + written!—I will venture to say, <i>will</i> be written! I have a + mind to fulfil my own prophecy and write one myself; but no—my story + must go on. However, I <i>will</i> say, that it is quite curious in how + many ways the same little bit of paper may influence different people: the + poem whose literary merit may be small becomes precious when some valued + hand has transcribed the lines; and the verses whose measure and meaning + viewed in type might win favour and yield pleasure, shoot poison from + their very sweetness, when read in some particular hand and under + particular circumstances. It was so with the copy of verses Augusta had + just read—they were Fanny Dawson's manuscript—that was certain—and + found in the room of Augusta's lover; therefore Augusta was wretched. But + these same lines had given exquisite pleasure to another person, who was + now nearly as miserable as Augusta in having lost them. It is possible the + reader guesses that person to be Edward O'Connor, for it was he who had + lost the pocket-book in which those (to him) precious lines were + contained; and if the little case had held all the bank-notes he ever + owned in his life, their loss would have been regarded less than that bit + of manuscript, which had often yielded <i>him</i> the most exquisite + pleasure, and was now inflicting on Augusta the bitterest anguish. To make + this intelligible to the reader, it is necessary to explain under what + circumstances the lines were written. At one time, Edward, doubting the + likelihood of making his way at home, was about to go to India and push + his fortunes there; and at that period, those lines, breathing of farewell—implying + the dread of rivals during absence—and imploring remembrance of his + eternal love, were written and given to Fanny; and she, with that delicacy + of contrivance so peculiarly a woman's, hit upon the expedient of copying + his own verses and sending them to him in her writing, as an indication + that the spirit of the lines was her own. + </p> + <p> + But Edward saw that his father, who was advanced in years, looked upon a + separation from his son as an eternal one, and the thought gave so much + pain, that Edward gave up the idea of expatriation. Shortly after, + however, the misunderstanding with Major Dawson took place, and Fanny and + Edward were as much severed as if dwelling in different zones. Under such + circumstances, those lines were peculiarly precious, and many a kiss had + Edward impressed upon them, though Augusta thought them fitter for the + exercise of her teeth than her lips. In fact, Edward did little else than + think of Fanny; and it is possible his passion might have degenerated into + mere love-sickness, and enfeebled him, had not his desire of proving + himself worthy of his mistress spurred him to exertion, in the hope of + future distinction. But still the tone of tender lament pervaded all his + poems, and the same pocket-book whence the verses which caused so much + commotion fell contained the following also, showing how entirely Fanny + possessed his heart and occupied his thoughts:— + </p> + <h3> + WHEN THE SUN SINKS TO REST + </h3> + <h3> + I + </h3> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + When the sun sinks to rest, + And the star of the west + Sheds its soft silver light o'er the sea; + What sweet thoughts arise, + As the dim twilight dies— + For then I am thinking of thee! + Oh! then crowding fast + Come the joys of the past, + Through the dimness of days long gone by, + Like the stars peeping out, + Through the darkness about, + From the soft silent depth of the sky. +</pre> + <h3> + II + </h3> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + And thus, as the night + Grows more lovely and bright + With the clust'ring of planet and star, + So this darkness of mine + Wins a radiance divine + From the light that still lingers afar. + Then welcome the night, + With its soft holy light! + In its silence my heart is more free + The rude world to forget, + Where no pleasure I've met + Since the hour that I parted from thee. +</pre> + <p> + But we must leave love verses, and ask pardon for the few remarks which + the subject tempted, and pursue our story. + </p> + <p> + The first prompting of Augusta's anger, when she had recovered her burst + of passion, was to write “<i>such a letter</i>” to Furlong—and she + spent half a day at the work; but she could not please herself—she + tore twenty at least, and determined, at last, not to write at all, but + just wait till he returned and overwhelm him with reproaches. But, though + she could not compose a letter, she composed herself by the endeavour, + which acted as a sort of safety-valve to let off the superabundant steam; + and it is wonderful how general is this result of sitting down to write + angry letters: people vent themselves of their spleen on the uncomplaining + paper, which silently receives words a listener would not. With a pen for + our second, desperate satisfaction is obtained with only an effusion of + ink, and when once the pent-up bitterness has oozed out in all the + blackness of that fluid—most appropriately made of the best galls—the + time so spent, and the “letting of words,” if I may use the phrase, has + cooled our judgment and our passions together; and the first letter is + torn: 't is <i>too</i> severe; we write a second; we blot and interline + till it is nearly illegible; we begin a third; till at last we are tired + out with our own angry feelings, and throw our scribbling by with a + “Pshaw! what's the use of it?” or, “It's not worth my notice;” or, still + better, arrive at the conclusion, that we preserve our own dignity best by + writing without temper, though we may be called upon to be severe. + </p> + <p> + Furlong at this time was on his road to Dublin in happy unconsciousness of + Augusta's rage against him, and planning what pretty little present he + should send her specially, for his head was naturally running on such + matters, as he had quantities of commissions to execute in the millinery + line for Mrs. O'Grady, who thought it high time to be getting up Augusta's + wedding-dresses, and Andy was to be despatched the following day to Dublin + to take charge of a cargo of bandboxes back from that city to + Neck-or-Nothing Hall. Furlong had received a thousand charges from the + ladies, “to be sure to lose no time” in doing his devoir in their behalf, + and he obeyed so strictly, and was so active in laying milliners and + mercers under contributions, that Andy was enabled to start the day after + his arrival, sorely against Andy's will, for he would gladly have remained + amidst the beauty and grandeur and wonders of Dublin, which struck him + dumb for the day he was amongst them, but gave him food for conversation + for many a day after. Furlong, after racking his invention about the + souvenir to his “dear Gussy,” at length fixed on a fan, as the most + suitable gift; for Gussy had been quizzed at home about “blushing,” and + all that sort of thing, and the puerile perceptions of the <i>attache</i> + saw something very smart in sending her wherewith “to hide her blushes.” + Then the fan was the very pink of fans; it had quivers and arrows upon it, + and bunches of hearts looped up in azure festoons, and doves perched upon + them; though Augusta's little sister, who was too young to know what + hearts and doves were, when she saw them for the first time, said they + were pretty little birds picking at apples. The fan was packed up in a + nice case, and then on scented note paper did the dear dandy indite a bit + of namby-pamby badinage to his fair one, which he thought excessively + clever:— + </p> + <p> + “DEAR DUCKY DARLING,—You know how naughty they are in quizzing you + about a little something, <i>I won't say what,</i> you will guess, I dare + say—but I send you a little toy, <i>I won't say what,</i> on which + Cupid might write this label after the doctor's fashion, 'To be used + occasionally, when the patient is much troubled with the symptoms.' + </p> + <p> + “Ever, ever, ever yours, + </p> + <p> + “P.S. Take care how you open it.” + </p> + <h3> + “J.F.” + </h3> + <p> + Such was the note that Handy Andy was given, with particular injunctions + to deliver it the first thing on his arrival at the Hall to Miss Augusta, + and to be sure to take most particular care of the little case; all which + Andy faithfully promised to do. But Andy's usual destiny prevailed, and an + unfortunate exchange of parcels quite upset all Furlong's sweet little + plan of his pretty present and his ingenious note: for as Andy was just + taking his departure, Furlong said he might as well leave something for + him at Reade's, the cutler, as he passed through College Green, and he + handed him a case of razors which wanted setting, which Andy popped into + his pocket, and as the fan case and that of the razors were much of a + size, and both folded up, Andy left the fan at the cutler's and took the + case of razors by way of present to Augusta. Fancy the rage of a young + lady with a very fine pair of <i>moustachios</i> getting such a souvenir + from her lover, with a note, too, every word of which applied to a beard + and a razor, as patly as to a blush and a fan—and this, too, when + her jealousy was aroused and his fidelity more than doubtful in her + estimation. + </p> + <p> + Great was the row in Neck-or-Nothing Hall; and when, after three days, + Furlong came down, the nature of his reception may be better imagined than + described. It was a difficult matter, through the storm which raged around + him, to explain all the circumstances satisfactorily, but, by dint of hard + work, the verses were at length disclaimed, the razors disavowed, and Andy + at last sent for to “clear matters up.” + </p> + <p> + Andy was a hopeful subject for such a purpose, and by his blundering + answers nearly set them all by the ears again; the upshot of the affair + was, that Andy, used as he was to good scoldings, never had such a torrent + of abuse poured on him in his life, and the affair ended in Andy being + dismissed from Neck-or-Nothing Hall on the instant; so he relinquished his + greasy livery for his own rags again, and trudged homewards to his + mother's cabin. + </p> + <p> + “She'll be as mad as a hatter with me,” said Andy; “bad luck to them for + razhirs, they cut me out o' my place: but I often heard cowld steel is + unlucky, and sure I know it now. Oh! but I'm always unfort'nate in having + cruked messages. Well, it can't be helped; and one good thing at all + events is, I'll have time enough now to go and spake to Father Blake;” and + with this sorry piece of satisfaction poor Andy contented himself. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0007" id="link2HCH0007"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXVIII + </h2> + <p> + The Father Blake, of whom Andy spoke, was more familiarly known by the + name of Father Phil, by which title Andy himself would have named him, had + he been telling how Father Phil cleared a fair, or equally “leathered” + both the belligerent parties in a faction-fight, or turned out the + contents (or malcontents) of a public-house at an improper hour; but when + he spoke of his Reverence respecting ghostly matters, the importance of + the subject begot higher consideration for the man, and the familiar + “Father Phil” was dropped for the more respectful title of Father Blake. + By either title, or in whatever capacity, the worthy Father had great + influence over his parish, and there was a free-and-easy way with him, + even in doing the most solemn duties, which agreed wonderfully with the + devil-may-care spirit of Paddy. Stiff and starched formality in any way is + repugnant to the very nature of Irishmen; and I believe one of the surest + ways of converting all Ireland from the Romish faith would be found, if we + could only manage to have her mass celebrated with the dry coldness of the + Reformation. This may seem ridiculous at first sight, and I grant it is a + grotesque way of viewing the subject, but yet there may be truth in it; + and to consider it for a moment seriously, look at the fact, that the + north of Ireland is the stronghold of Protestantism, and that the north is + the <i>least</i> Irish portion of the island. There is a strong admixture + of Scotch there, and all who know the country will admit that there is + nearly as much difference between men from the north and south of Ireland + as from different countries. The Northerns retain much of the cold + formality and unbending hardness of the stranger-settlers from whom they + are descended, while the Southerns exhibit that warm-hearted, lively, and + poetical temperament for which the country is celebrated. The prevailing + national characteristics of Ireland are not to be found in the north, + where Protestantism flourishes; they are to be found in the south and + west, where it has never taken root. And though it has never seemed to + strike theologians, that in their very natures some people are more + adapted to receive one faith than another, yet I believe it to be true, + and perhaps not quite unworthy of consideration. There are forms, it is + true, and many in the Romish church, but they are not <i>cold</i> forms, + but <i>attractive</i> rather, to a sensitive people; besides, I believe + those very forms, when observed the least formally, are the most + influential on the Irish; and perhaps the splendours of a High Mass in the + gorgeous temple of the Holy City would appeal less to the affections of an + Irish peasant than the service he witnesses in some half-thatched ruin by + a lone hillside, familiarly hurried through by a priest who has sharpened + his appetite by a mountain ride of some fifteen miles, and is saying mass + (for the third time most likely) before breakfast, which consummation of + his morning's exercise he is anxious to arrive at. + </p> + <p> + It was just in such a chapel, and under such circumstances, that Father + Blake was celebrating the mass at which Andy was present, and after which + he hoped to obtain a word of advice from the worthy Father, who was much + more sought after on such occasions than his more sedate superior who + presided over the spiritual welfare of the parish—and whose solemn + celebration of the mass was by no means so agreeable as the lighter + service of Father Phil. The Rev. Dominick Dowling was austere and + long-winded; <i>his</i> mass had an oppressive effect on his congregation, + and from the kneeling multitude might be seen eyes fearfully looking up + from under bent brows, and low breathings and subdued groans often rose + above the silence of his congregation, who felt like sinners, and whose + imaginations were filled with the thoughts of Heaven's anger; while the + good-humoured face of the light-hearted Father Phil produced a + corresponding brightness on the looks of his hearers, who turned up their + whole faces in trustfulness to the mercy of that Heaven whose propitiatory + offering their pastor was making for them in cheerful tones, which + associated well with thoughts of pardon and salvation. + </p> + <p> + Father Dominick poured forth his spiritual influence like a strong dark + stream that swept down the hearer—hopelessly struggling to keep his + head above the torrent, and dreading to be overwhelmed at the next word. + Father Phil's religion bubbled out like a mountain rill—bright, + musical, and refreshing. Father Dominick's people had decidedly need of + cork jackets; Father Phil's might drink and be refreshed. + </p> + <p> + But with all this intrinsic worth, he was, at the same time, a strange man + in exterior manners; for, with an abundance of real piety, he had an + abruptness of delivery and a strange way of mixing up an occasional remark + to his congregation in the midst of the celebration of the mass, which + might well startle a stranger; but this very want of formality made him + beloved by the people, and they would do ten times as much for Father Phil + as for Father Dominick. + </p> + <p> + On the Sunday in question, when Andy attended the chapel, Father Phil + intended delivering an address to his flock from the altar, urging them to + the necessity of bestirring themselves in the repairs of the chapel, which + was in a very dilapidated condition, and at one end let in the rain + through its worn-out thatch. A subscription was necessary; and to raise + this among a very impoverished people was no easy matter. The weather + happened to be unfavourable, which was most favourable to Father Phil's + purpose, for the rain dropped its arguments through the roof upon the + kneeling people below in the most convincing manner; and as they + endeavoured to get out of the wet, they pressed round the altar as much as + they could, for which they were reproved very smartly by his Reverence in + the very midst of the mass, and these interruptions occurred sometimes in + the most serious places, producing a ludicrous effect, of which the worthy + Father was quite unconscious in his great anxiety to make the people + repair the chapel. + </p> + <p> + A big woman was elbowing her way towards the rails of the altar, and + Father Phil, casting a sidelong glance at her, sent her to the + right-about, while he interrupted his appeal to Heaven to address her + thus:—<i>“Agnus Dei</i>—you'd better jump over the rails of + the althar, I think. Go along out o' that, there's plenty o' room in the + chapel below there.” + </p> + <p> + Then he would turn to the altar, and proceed with the service, till + turning again to the congregation he perceived some fresh offender. + </p> + <p> + <i>“Orate, fratres!</i>—will you mind what I say to you and go along + out of that? there's room below there. Thrue for you, Mrs. Finn—it's + a shame for him to be thramplin' on you. Go along, Darby Casy, down there, + and kneel in the rain; it's a pity you haven't a dacent woman's cloak + undher you indeed!—<i>Orate, fratres!</i>” + </p> + <p> + Then would the service proceed again, and while he prayed in silence at + the altar, the shuffling of feet edging out of the rain would disturb him, + and casting a backward glance, he would say— + </p> + <p> + “I hear you there—can't you be quiet and not be disturbin' the mass, + you haythens?” + </p> + <p> + Again he proceeded in silence, till the crying of a child interrupted him. + He looked round quickly. + </p> + <p> + “You'd better kill the child, I think, thramplin' on him, Lavery. Go out + o' that—your conduct is scandalous—<i>Dominus vobiscum!</i>” + Again he turned to pray, and after some time he made an interval in the + service to address his congregation on the subject of the repairs, and + produced a paper containing the names of subscribers to that pious work + who had already contributed, by way of example to those who had not. + </p> + <p> + “Here it is,” said Father Phil, “here it is, and no denying it—down + in black and white; but if they who give are down in black, how much + blacker are those who have not given at all!—but I hope they will be + ashamed of themselves when I howld up those to honour who have contributed + to the uphowlding of the house of God. And isn't it ashamed o' yourselves + you ought to be, to leave His house in such a condition—and doesn't + it rain a'most every Sunday, as if He wished to remind you of your duty? + aren't you wet to the skin a'most every Sunday? Oh, God is good to you! to + put you in mind of your duty, giving you such bitther cowlds that you are + coughing and sneezin' every Sunday to that degree that you can't hear the + blessed mass for a comfort and a benefit to you; and so you'll go on + sneezin' until you put a good thatch on the place, and prevent the + appearance of the evidence from Heaven against you every Sunday, which is + condemning you before your faces, and behind your backs too, for don't I + see this minit a strame o' wather that might turn a mill running down + Micky Mackavoy's back, between the collar of his coat and his shirt?” + </p> + <p> + Here a laugh ensued at the expense of Micky Mackavoy, who certainly <i>was</i> + under a very heavy drip from the imperfect roof. + </p> + <p> + “And is it laughing you are, you haythens?” said Father Phil, reproving + the merriment which he himself had purposely created, <i>that he might + reprove it</i>. “Laughing is it you are—at your backslidings and + insensibility to the honour of God—laughing, because when you come + here to be <i>saved</i> you are <i>lost</i> intirely with the wet; and + how, I ask you, are my words of comfort to enter your hearts, when the + rain is pouring down your backs at the same time? Sure I have no chance of + turning your hearts while you are undher rain that might turn a mill—but + once put a good roof on the house, and I will inundate you with piety! + Maybe it's Father Dominick you would like to have coming among you, who + would grind your hearts to powdher with his heavy words.” (Here a low + murmur of dissent ran through the throng.) “Ha! ha! so you wouldn't like + it, I see. Very well, very well—take care then, for if I find you + insensible to my moderate reproofs, you hard-hearted haythens—you + malefacthors and cruel persecuthors, that won't put your hands in your + pockets, because your mild and quiet poor fool of a pasthor has no tongue + in his head!—I say your mild, quiet, poor fool of a pasthor (for I + know my own faults, partly, God forgive me!), and I can't spake to you as + you deserve, you hard-living vagabones, that are as insensible to your + duties as you are to the weather. I wish it was sugar or salt you were + made of, and then the rain might melt you if I couldn't: but no—them + naked rafthers grin in your face to no purpose—you chate the house + of God; but take care, maybe you won't chate the divil so aisy”—(here + there was a sensation). “Ha! ha! that makes you open your ears, does it? + More shame for you; you ought to despise that dirty enemy of man, and + depend on something betther—but I see I must call you to a sense of + your situation with the bottomless pit undher you, and no roof over you. + Oh dear! dear! dear!—I'm ashamed of you—troth, if I had time + and sthraw enough, I'd rather thatch the place myself than lose my time + talking to you; sure the place is more like a stable than a chapel. Oh, + think of that!—the house of God to be like a stable!—for + though our Redeemer, in his humility, was born in a stable, that is no + reason why you are to keep his house always like one. + </p> + <p> + “And now I will read you the list of subscribers, and it will make you + ashamed when you hear the names of several good and worthy Protestants in + the parish, and out of it, too, who have given more than the Catholics.” + </p> + <p> + He then proceeded to read the following list, which he interlarded + copiously with observations of his own; making <i>vivâ voce</i> marginal + notes as it were upon the subscribers, which were not unfrequently + answered by the persons so noticed, from the body of the chapel, and + laughter was often the consequence of these rejoinders, which Father Phil + never permitted to pass without a retort. Nor must all this be considered + in the least irreverent. A certain period is allowed between two + particular portions of the mass, when the priest may address his + congregation on any public matter: an approaching pattern, or fair, or the + like; in which, exhortations to propriety of conduct, or warnings against + faction fights, &c., are his themes. Then they only listen in + reverence. But when a subscription for such an object as that already + mentioned is under discussion, the flock consider themselves entitled to + “put in a word” in case of necessity. + </p> + <p> + This preliminary hint is given to the reader, that he may better enter + into the spirit of Father Phil's + </p> + <p> + SUBSCRIPTION LIST FOR THE REPAIRS AND ENLARGEMENT OF BALLY-SLOUGHGUTPHERY + CHAPEL + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + £ s. d. PHILIP BLAKE, P.P. + Micky Hicky 0 7 6 “He might as well have made ten + shillings: but half a loaf is betther + than no bread.” + + “Plase your reverence,” says + Mick, from the body of the chapel, + “sure seven and six-pence is more + than the half of ten shillings.” + (<i>A laugh</i>.) + + “Oh! how witty you are. 'Faith, + if you knew your duty as well as + your arithmetic, it would be betther + for you, Micky.” + + Here the Father turned the laugh + against Mick. + + £ s. d. + Bill Riley 0 3 4 “Of course he means to subscribe + again. + + £ s. d. + John Dwyer 0 15 0 “That's something like! I'll + be bound he's only keeping back + the odd five shillings for a brush + full o' paint for the althar; it's as + black as a crow, instead o' being as + white as a dove.” + + He then hurried over rapidly some + small subscribers as follows:— + + Peter Heffernan 0 1 8 + James Murphy 0 2 6 + Mat Donovan 0 1 3 + Luke Dannely 0 3 0 + Jack Quigly 0 2 1 + Pat Finnegan 0 2 2 + Edward O'Connor, Esq. 2 0 0 “There's for you! Edward + O'Connor, Esq., <i>a Protestant in the + parish</i>—Two pounds!” + + “Long life to him,” cried a voice + in the chapel. + + “Amen,” said Father Phil; “I'm + not ashamed to be clerk to so good + a prayer. + + Nicholas Fagan 0 2 6 + Young Nicholas Fagan 0 5 0 “Young Nick is better than owld + Nick, you see.” + + The congregation honoured the + Father's demand on their risibility. + + £ s. d. + Tim Doyle 0 7 6 + Owny Doyl 1 0 0 “Well done, Owny na Coppal—you + deserve to prosper for you + make good use of your thrivings. + + £ s. d. + Simon Leary 0 2 6 + Bridget Murphy 0 10 0 “You ought to be ashamed o' + yourself, Simon: a lone widow + woman gives more than you.” + + Simon answered, “I have a large + family, sir, and she has no childhre.” + + “That's not her fault,” said the + priest—“and maybe she'll mend o' + that yet.” This excited much + merriment, for the widow was buxom, + and had recently buried an old + husband, and, by all accounts, was + cocking her cap at a handsome young + fellow in the parish. + + £ s. d. + Judy Moylan 0 5 0 Very good, Judy; the women are + behaving like gentlemen; they'll + have their reward in the next world. + + Pat Finnerty 0 3 4 “I'm not sure if it is 8s. 4d. or + 3s. 4d., for the figure is blotted— + but I believe it is 8s. 4d.” + + “It was three and four pince + I gave your reverence,” said Pat + from the crowd. + + “Well, Pat, as I said eight and + four pence you must not let me go + back o' my word, so bring me five + shillings next week.” + + “Sure you wouldn't have me pay + for a blot, sir?” + + “Yes, I would—that's the rule + of back-mannon, you know, Pat. + When I hit the blot, you pay + for it.” + + Here his reverence turned round, + as if looking for some one, and + called out, “Rafferty! Rafferty! + Rafferty! Where are you, Rafferty?” + + An old grey-headed man appeared, + bearing a large plate, and Father + Phil continued— + + “There now, be active—I'm + sending him among you, good people, + and such as cannot give as + much as you would like to be read + before your neighbours, give what + little you can towards the repairs, + and I will continue to read out the + names by way of encouragement to + you, and the next name I see is + that of Squire Egan. Long life to + him! + £ s. d. + Squire Egan 5 0 0 “Squire Egan—five pounds— + listen to that—five pounds—a + Protestant in the parish—five + pounds! 'Faith, the Protestants will + make you ashamed of yourselves, if + we don't take care. + £ s. d. + Mrs. Flanagan 2 0 0 “Not her own parish, either—a + kind lady. + + £ s. d. + James Milligan + of Roundtown 1 0 0 “And here I must remark that + the people of Roundtown have not + been backward in coming forward + on this occasion. I have a long list + from Roundtown—I will read it + separate.” He then proceeded at a + great pace, jumbling the town and + the pounds and the people in a most + extraordinary manner: “James + Milligan of Roundtown, one pound; + Darby Daly of Roundtown, one + pound; Sam Finnigan of Roundtown, + one pound; James Casey of + Roundpound, one town; Kit Dwyer + of Townpound, one round—pound + I mane; Pat Roundpound—Pounden, + I mane—Pat Pounden a pound + of Poundtown also—there's an + example for you!—but what are you + about, Rafferty? <i>I don't like the + sound of that plate of yours</i>;— + you are not a good gleaner—go up + first into the gallery there, where I + see so many good-looking bonnets—I + suppose they will give something to + keep their bonnets out of the rain, + for the wet will be into the gallery + next Sunday if they don't. I think + that is Kitty Crow I see, getting her + bit of silver ready; them ribbons of + yours cost a trifle, Kitty. Well, + good Christians, here is more of the + subscription for you. + £ s. d. + Matthew Lavery 0 2 6 “<i>He</i> doesn't belong to + Roundtown—Roundtown will be renowned + in future ages for the support + of the Church. Mark my + words—Roundtown will prosper + from this day out—Roundtown + will be a rising place. + + Mark Hennessy 0 2 6 + Luke Clancy 0 2 6 + John Doolin 0 2 6 “One would think they all agreed + only to give two and sixpence apiece. + And they comfortable men, too! + And look at their names—Matthew, + Mark, Luke, and John, the + names of the Blessed Evangelists, + and only ten shillings among them! + Oh, they are apostles not worthy of + the name—we'll call them the <i>Poor + Apostles</i> from this out” (here a + low laugh ran through the chapel)— + “Do you hear that, Matthew, Mark, + Luke, and John? 'Faith! I can tell + you that name will stick to you.'” + (Here the laugh was louder.) + + A voice, when the laugh subsided, + exclaimed, “I'll make it ten + shillin's, your reverence.” + + “Who's that?” said Father Phil. + + “Hennessy, your reverence.” + + “Very well, Mark. I suppose + Matthew, Luke, and John will follow + your example?” + + “We will, your reverence.” + + “Ah! I thought you made a mistake; + we'll call you now the <i>Faithful + Apostles</i>—and I think the change + in the name is better than seven + and sixpence apiece to you. + + “I see you in the gallery there, + Rafferty. What do you pass that + well-dressed woman for?—thry back + —ha!—see that—she had her money + ready if you only asked for it—don't + go by that other woman + there—oh, oh!—So you won't give + anything, ma'am. You ought to be + ashamed of yourself. There is a + woman with an elegant sthraw bonnet, + and she won't give a farthing. + Well now—afther that—remember—I + give it from the althar, that + <i>from this day out sthraw bonnets + pay fi'penny pieces.</i> + + £ s. d. + Thomas Durfy, Esq. 1 0 0 “It's not his parish and he's a + brave gentleman. + + £ s. d. + Miss Fanny Dawson 1 0 0 “<i>A Protestant out of the parish</i>, + and a sweet young lady, God bless + her! Oh, 'faith, the Protestants is + shaming you!!! + + £ s. d. + Dennis Fannin 0 7 6 “Very good, indeed, for a working + mason.” + + Jemmy Riley 0 5 0 “Not bad for a hedge-carpenther.” + </pre> + <p> + “I gave you ten, plaze, your reverence,” shouted Jemmy, “and by the same + token, you may remember it was on the Nativity of the Blessed Vargin, sir, + I gave you the second five shillin's.” + </p> + <p> + “So you did, Jemmy,” cried Father Phil—“I put a little cross before + it, to remind me of it; but I was in a hurry to make a sick call when you + gave it to me, and forgot it after: and indeed myself doesn't know what I + did with that same five shillings.” + </p> + <p> + Here a pallid woman, who was kneeling near the rails of the altar, uttered + an impassioned blessing, and exclaimed, “Oh, that was the very five + shillings, I'm sure, you gave to me that very day, to buy some little + comforts for my poor husband, who was dying in the fever!”—and the + poor woman burst into loud sobs as she spoke. + </p> + <p> + A deep thrill of emotion ran through the flock as this accidental proof of + their poor pastor's beneficence burst upon them; and as an affectionate + murmur began to rise above the silence which that emotion produced, the + burly Father Philip blushed like a girl at this publication of his + charity, and even at the foot of that altar where he stood, felt something + like shame in being discovered in the commission of that virtue so highly + commended by the Holy One to whose worship the altar was raised. He + uttered a hasty “Whisht—whisht!” and waved with his outstretched + hands his flock into silence. + </p> + <p> + In an instant one of those sudden changes common to an Irish assembly, and + scarcely credible to a stranger, took place. The multitude was hushed—the + grotesque of the subscription list had passed away and was forgotten, and + that same man and that same multitude stood in altered relations—<i>they</i> + were again a reverent flock, and <i>he</i> once more a solemn pastor; the + natural play of his nation's mirthful sarcasm was absorbed in a moment in + the sacredness of his office; and with a solemnity befitting the highest + occasion, he placed his hands together before his breast, and raising his + eyes to Heaven he poured forth his sweet voice, with a tone of the deepest + devotion, in that reverential call to prayer, “<i>Orate</i>, <i>fratres</i>.” + </p> + <p> + The sound of a multitude gently kneeling down followed, like the soft + breaking of a quiet sea on a sandy beach; and when Father Philip turned to + the altar to pray, his pent-up feelings found vent in tears; and while he + prayed, he wept. + </p> + <p> + I believe such scenes as this are not of unfrequent occurrence in Ireland; + that country so long-suffering, so much maligned, and so little + understood. + </p> + <p> + Suppose the foregoing scene to have been only described antecedent to the + woman in the outbreak of her gratitude revealing the priest's charity, + from which he recoiled,—suppose the mirthfulness of the incidents + arising from reading the subscription-list—a mirthfulness bordering + on the ludicrous—to have been recorded, and nothing more, a stranger + would be inclined to believe, and pardonable in the belief, that the Irish + and their priesthood were rather prone to be irreverent; but observe, + under this exterior, the deep sources of feeling that lie hidden and wait + but the wand of divination to be revealed. In a thousand similar ways are + the actions and the motives of the Irish understood by those who are + careless of them; or worse, misrepresented by those whose interest, and + too often <i>business</i>, it is to malign them. + </p> + <p> + Father Phil could proceed no further with the reading of the + subscription-list, but finished the office of the mass with unusual + solemnity. But if the incident just recorded abridged his address, and the + publication of donors' names by way of stimulus to the less active, it + produced a great effect on those who had but smaller donations to drop + into the plate; and the grey-headed collector, who could have numbered the + scanty coin before the bereaved widow had revealed the pastor's charity, + had to struggle his way afterwards through the eagerly outstretched hands + that showered their hard-earned pence upon the plate, which was borne back + to the altar heaped with contributions, heaped as it had not been seen for + many a day. The studied excitement of their pride and their shame—and + both are active agents in the Irish nature—was less successful than + the accidental appeal to their affections. + </p> + <p> + Oh! rulers of Ireland, why have you not sooner learned to <i>lead</i> that + people by love, whom all your severity has been unable to <i>drive</i>? + [Footnote: When this passage was written Ireland was disturbed (as she has + too often been) by special parliamentary provocation:—the vexatious + vigilance of legislative lynxes—the peevishness of paltry + persecutors.] + </p> + <p> + When the mass was over, Andy waited at the door of the chapel to catch + “his riverence” coming out, and obtain his advice about what he overheard + from Larry Hogan; and Father Phil was accordingly accosted by Andy just as + he was going to get into his saddle to ride over to breakfast with one of + the neighbouring farmers, who was holding the priest's stirrup at the + moment. The extreme urgency of Andy's manner, as he pressed up to the + pastor's side, made the latter pause and inquire what he wanted. “I want + to get some advice from your riverence,” said Andy. + </p> + <p> + “'Faith, then, the advice I give you is never to stop a hungry man when he + is going to refresh himself,” said Father Phil, who had quite recovered + his usual cheerfulness, and threw his leg over his little grey hack as he + spoke. “How could you be so unreasonable as to expect me to stop here + listening to your case, and giving you advice indeed, when I have said + three masses [Footnote: The office of the mass must be performed fasting.] + this morning, and rode three miles; how could you be so unreasonable, I + say?” + </p> + <p> + “I ax your riverence's pardon,” said Andy; “I wouldn't have taken the + liberty, only the thing is mighty particular intirely.” + </p> + <p> + “Well, I tell you again, never ask a hungry man advice; for he is likely + to cut his advice on the patthern of his stomach, and it's empty advice + you'll get. Did you never hear that a 'hungry stomach has no ears'?” + </p> + <p> + The farmer who was to have the honour of the priest's company to breakfast + exhibited rather more impatience than the good-humoured Father Phil, and + reproved Andy for his conduct. + </p> + <p> + “But it's so particular,” said Andy. + </p> + <p> + “I wondher you would dar' to stop his riverence, and he black fastin'. Go + 'long wid you!” + </p> + <p> + “Come over to my house in the course of the week, and speak to me,” said + Father Phil, riding away. + </p> + <p> + Andy still persevered, and taking advantage of the absence of the farmer, + who was mounting his own nag at the moment, said the matter of which he + wished to speak involved the interests of Squire Egan, or he would not + “make so bowld.” + </p> + <p> + This altered the matter; and Father Phil desired Andy to follow him to the + farm-house of John Dwyer, where he would speak to him after he had + breakfasted. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0008" id="link2HCH0008"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXIX + </h2> + <p> + John Dwyer's house was a scene of activity that day, for not only was the + priest to breakfast there—always an affair of honour—but a + grand dinner was also preparing on a large scale; for a wedding-feast was + to be held in the house, in honour of Matty Dwyer's nuptials, which were + to be celebrated that day with a neighbouring young farmer, rather well to + do in the world. The match had been on and off for some time, for John + Dwyer was what is commonly called a “close-fisted fellow,” and his + would-be son-in-law could not bring him to what he considered proper + terms, and though Matty liked young Casey, and he was fond of her, they + both agreed not to let old Jack Dwyer have the best of the bargain in + portioning off his daughter, who, having a spice of her father in her, was + just as fond of <i>number one</i> as old Jack himself. And here it is + worthy of remark, that, though the Irish are so prone in general to early + and improvident marriages, no people are closer in their nuptial barter, + when they are in a condition to make marriage a profitable contract. + Repeated meetings between the elders of families take place, and acute + arguments ensue, properly to equalise the worldly goods to be given on + both sides. Pots and pans are balanced against pails and churns, cows + against horses, a slip of bog against a gravel-pit, or a patch of meadow + against a bit of a quarry; a little lime-kiln sometimes burns stronger + than the flame of Cupid—the doves of Venus herself are but crows in + comparison with a good flock of geese—and a love-sick sigh less + touching than the healthy grunt of a good pig; indeed, the last-named + gentleman is a most useful agent in this traffic, for when matters are + nearly poised, the balance is often adjusted by a grunter or two thrown + into either scale. While matters are thus in a state of debate, quarrels + sometimes occur between the lovers the gentleman's caution sometimes takes + alarm, and more frequently the lady's pride is aroused at the too obvious + preference given to worldly gain over heavenly beauty; Cupid shies at + Mammon, and Hymen is upset and left in the mire. + </p> + <p> + I remember hearing of an instance of this nature, when the lady gave her + <i>ci-devant</i> lover an ingenious reproof, after they had been separated + some time, when a marriage-bargain was broken off, because the lover could + not obtain from the girl's father a certain brown filly as part of her + dowry. The damsel, after the lapse of some weeks, met her swain at a + neighbouring fair, and the flame of love still smouldering in his heart + was re-illumined by the sight of his charmer, who, on the contrary, had + become quite disgusted with <i>him</i> for his too obvious preference of + profit to true affection. He addressed her softly in a tent, and asked her + to dance, but was most astonished at her returning him a look of vacant + wonder, which tacitly implied, <i>“Who are you?”</i> as plain as looks + could speak. + </p> + <p> + “Arrah, Mary,” exclaimed the youth. + </p> + <p> + “Sir!!!”—answered Mary, with what heroines call “ineffable disdain.” + </p> + <p> + “Why one would think you didn't know me!” + </p> + <p> + “If I ever had the honour of your acquaintance, sir,” answered Mary, “I + forget you entirely.” + </p> + <p> + “Forget me, Mary?—arrah be aisy—is it forget the man that was + courtin' and in love with you?” + </p> + <p> + “You're under a mistake, young man,” said Mary, with a curl of her rosy + lip, which displayed the pearly teeth to whose beauty her woman's nature + rejoiced that the recreant lover was not yet insensible—“You're + under a mistake, young man,” and her heightened colour made her eye flash + more brightly as she spoke—“you're quite under a mistake—no + one was ever in love with <i>me</i>;” and she laid signal emphasis on the + word. “There was a dirty mane blackguard, indeed, once <i>in love with my + father's brown filly,</i> but I forget him intirely.” + </p> + <p> + Mary tossed her head proudly as she spoke, and her filly-fancying admirer, + reeling under the reproof she inflicted, sneaked from the tent, while Mary + stood up and danced with a more open-hearted lover, whose earnest eye + could see more charms in one lovely woman than all the horses of Arabia. + </p> + <p> + But no such result as this was likely to take place in Matty Dwyer's case; + she and her lover agreed with one another on the settlement to be made, + and old Jack was not to be allowed an inch over what was considered an + even bargain. At length all matters were agreed upon, the wedding-day + fixed, and the guests invited; yet still both parties were not satisfied, + but young Casey thought he should be put into absolute possession of a + certain little farm and cottage, and have the lease looked over to see all + was right (for Jack Dwyer was considered rather slippery), while old Jack + thought it time enough to give him possession and the lease and his + daughter altogether. + </p> + <p> + However, matters had gone so far that, as the reader has seen, the + wedding-feast was prepared, the guests invited, and Father Phil on the + spot to help James and Matty (in the facetious parlance of Paddy) to “tie + with their tongues what they could not undo with their teeth.” + </p> + <p> + When the priest had done breakfast, the arrival of Andy was announced to + him, and Andy was admitted to a private audience with Father Phil, the + particulars of which must not be disclosed; for in short, Andy made a + regular confession before the Father, and, we know, confessions must be + held sacred; but we may say that Andy confided the whole post-office + affair to the pastor—told him how Larry Hogan had contrived to worm + that affair out of him, and by his devilish artifice had, as Andy feared, + contrived to implicate Squire Egan in the transaction, and, by threatening + a disclosure, got the worthy Squire into his villanous power. Andy, under + the solemn queries of the priest, positively denied having said one word + to Hogan to criminate the Squire, and that Hogan could only infer the + Squire's guilt; upon which Father Phil, having perfectly satisfied + himself, told Andy to make his mind easy, for that he would secure the + Squire from any harm, and he moreover praised Andy for the fidelity he + displayed to the interests of his old master, and declared he was so + pleased with him, that he would desire Jack Dwyer to ask him to dinner. + “And that will be no blind nut, let me tell you,” said Father Phil—“a + wedding dinner, you lucky dog—'lashings [Footnote: Overflowing + abundance, and plenty left after.] and lavings,' and no end of dancing + afther!” + </p> + <p> + Andy was accordingly bidden to the bridal feast, to which the guests began + already to gather thick and fast. They strolled about the field before the + house, basked in groups in the sunshine, or lay in the shade under the + hedges, where hints of future marriages were given to many a pretty girl, + and to nudges and pinches were returned small screams suggestive of + additional assault—and inviting denials of “Indeed I won't,” and + that crowning provocative to riotous conduct, “Behave yourself.” + </p> + <p> + In the meantime, the barn was laid out with long planks, supported on + barrels or big stones, which planks, when covered with clean cloths, made + a goodly board, that soon began to be covered with ample wooden dishes of + corned beef, roasted geese, boiled chickens and bacon, and intermediate + stacks of cabbage and huge bowls of potatoes, all sending up their wreaths + of smoke to the rafters of the barn, soon to become hotter from the crowd + of guests, who, when the word was given, rushed to the onslaught with + right good will. + </p> + <p> + The dinner was later than the hour named, and the delay arose from the + absence of one who, of all others, ought to have been present, namely, the + bridegroom. But James Casey was missing, and Jack Dwyer had been closeted + from time to time with several long-headed greybeards, canvassing the + occurrence, and wondering at the default on the bridegroom's part. The + person who might have been supposed to bear this default the worst + supported it better than any one. Matty was all life and spirits, and + helped in making the feast ready, as if nothing wrong had happened; and + she backed Father Phil's argument to sit down to dinner at once;—“that + if James Casey was not there, that was no reason dinner should be spoiled, + he'd be there soon enough; besides, if he didn't arrive in time, it was + better he should have good meat cold, than everybody have hot meat + spoiled: the ducks would be done to cindhers, the beef boiled to rags, and + the chickens be all in jommethry.” + </p> + <p> + So down they sat to dinner: its heat, its mirth, its clatter, and its good + cheer we will not attempt to describe; suffice it to say, the viands were + good, the guests hungry, and the drink unexceptionable; and Father Phil, + no bad judge of such matters, declared he never pronounced grace over a + better spread. But still, in the midst of the good cheer, neighbours (the + women particularly) would suggest to each other the “wondher” where the + bridegroom could be; and even within ear-shot of the bride elect, the + low-voiced whisper ran, of “Where in the world is James Casey?” + </p> + <p> + Still the bride kept up her smiles, and cheerfully returned the healths + that were drunk to her; but old Jack was not unmoved; a cloud hung on his + brow, which grew darker and darker as the hour advanced, and the + bridegroom yet tarried. The board was cleared of the eatables, and the + copious jugs of punch going their round; but the usual toast of the united + healths of the happy pair could not be given, for one of them was absent. + Father Phil hardly knew what to do; for even his overflowing cheerfulness + began to forsake him, and a certain air of embarrassment began to pervade + the whole assembly, till Jack Dwyer could bear it no longer, and, standing + up, he thus addressed the company:— + </p> + <p> + “Friends and neighbours, you see the disgrace that's put on me and my + child.” + </p> + <p> + A murmur of “No, no!” ran round the board. + </p> + <p> + “I say, yis.” + </p> + <p> + “He'll come yet, sir,” said a voice. + </p> + <p> + “No, he won't,” said Jack, “I see he won't—I know he won't. He + wanted to have everything all his own way, and he thinks to disgrace me in + doing what he likes, but he shan't”; and he struck the table fiercely as + he spoke; for Jack, when once his blood was up, was a man of desperate + determination. “He's a greedy chap, the same James Casey, and he loves his + bargain betther than he loves you, Matty, so don't look glum about what + I'm saying: I say he's greedy: he's just the fellow that, if you gave him + the roof off your house, would ax you for the rails before your door; and + he goes back of his bargain now, bekase I would not let him have it all + his own way, and puts the disgrace on me, thinkin' I'll give in to him, + through that same; but I won't. And I tell you what it is, friends and + neighbours; here's the lease of the three-cornered field below there,” and + he held up a parchment as he spoke, “and a snug cottage on it, and it's + all ready for the girl to walk into with the man that will have her; and + if there's a man among you here that's willing, let him say the word now, + and I'll give her to him!” + </p> + <p> + The girl could not resist an exclamation of surprise, which her father + hushed by a word and look so peremptory, that she saw remonstrance was in + vain, and a silence of some moments ensued; for it was rather startling, + this immediate offer of a girl who had been so strangely slighted, and the + men were not quite prepared to make advances, until they knew something + more of the why and wherefore of her sweetheart's desertion. + </p> + <p> + “Are yiz all dumb?” exclaimed Jack, in surprise. “Faix, it's not every day + a snug little field and cottage and a good-looking girl falls in a man's + way. I say again, I'll give her and the lase to the man that will say the + word.” + </p> + <p> + Still no one spoke, and Andy began to think they were using Jack Dwyer and + his daughter very ill, but what business had <i>he</i> to think of + offering himself, “a poor devil like him”? But, the silence still + continuing, Andy took heart of grace; and as the profit and pleasure of a + snug match and a handsome wife flushed upon him, he got up and said, + “Would I do, sir?” + </p> + <p> + Every one was taken by surprise, even old Jack himself; and Matty could + not suppress a faint exclamation, which every one but Andy understood to + mean “she didn't like it at all,” but which Andy interpreted quite the + other way, and he grinned his loutish admiration of Matty, who turned away + her head from him in sheer distaste, which action Andy took for mere + coyness. + </p> + <p> + Jack was in a dilemma, for Andy was just the last man he would have chosen + as a husband for his daughter; but what could he do? he was taken at his + word, and even at the worst he was determined that some one should marry + the girl out of hand, and show Casey the “disgrace should not be put on + him”; but, anxious to have another chance, he stammered something about + the fairness of “letting the girl choose,” and that “some one else might + wish to spake”; but the end of all was, that no one rose to rival Andy, + and Father Phil bore witness to the satisfaction he had that day in + finding so much uprightness and fidelity in “the boy”; that he had raised + his character much in his estimation by his conduct that day; and if he + was a little giddy betimes, there was nothing like a wife to steady him; + and if he was rather poor, sure Jack Dwyer could mend that. + </p> + <p> + “Then come up here,” says Jack; and Andy left his place at the very end of + the board and marched up to the head, amidst clapping of hands and + thumping of the table, and laughing and shouting. + </p> + <p> + “Silence!” cried Father Phil, “this is no laughing matther, but a serious + engagement—and, John Dwyer, I tell you—and you Andy Rooney, + that girl must not be married against her own free-will; but if she has no + objection, well and good.” + </p> + <p> + “My will is her pleasure, I know,” said Jack, resolutely. + </p> + <p> + To the surprise of every one, Matty said, “Oh, I'll take the boy with all + my heart!” + </p> + <p> + Handy Andy threw his arms round her neck and gave her a most vigorous + salute which came smacking off, and thereupon arose a hilarious shout + which made the old rafters of the barn ring again. + </p> + <p> + “There's the lase for you,” said Jack, handing the parchment to Andy, who + was now installed in the place of honour beside the bride elect at the + head of the table, and the punch circulated rapidly in filling to the + double toast of health, happiness, and prosperity to the “happy pair”; and + after some few more circuits of the enlivening liquor had been performed, + the women retired to the dwelling-house, whose sanded parlour was put in + immediate readiness for the celebration of the nuptial knot between Matty + and the adventurous Andy. + </p> + <p> + In half an hour the ceremony was performed, and the rites and blessings of + the Church dispensed between two people, who, an hour before, had never + looked on each other with thoughts of matrimony. + </p> + <p> + Under such circumstances it was wonderful with what lightness of spirit + Matty went through the honours consequent on a peasant bridal in Ireland: + these, it is needless to detail; our limits would not permit; but suffice + it to say, that a rattling country-dance was led off by Andy and Matty in + the barn, intermediate jigs were indulged in by the “picked dancers” of + the parish, while the country dancers were resting and making love (if + making love can be called rest) in the corners, and that the pipers and + punch-makers had quite enough to do until the night was far spent, and it + was considered time for the bride and bridegroom to be escorted by a + chosen party of friends to the little cottage which was to be their future + home. The pipers stood at the threshold of Jack Dwyer, and his daughter + departed from under the “roof-tree” to the tune of “Joy be with you”; and + then the lilters, heading the body-guard of the bride, plied drone and + chanter right merrily until she had entered her new home, thanked her old + friends (who did all the established civilities, and cracked all the usual + jokes attendant on the occasion); and Andy bolted the door of the snug + cottage of which he had so suddenly become master, and placed a seat for + the bride beside the fire, requesting <i>“Miss Dwyer”</i> to sit down—for + Andy could not bring himself to call her “Matty” yet—and found + himself in an awkward position in being “lord and master” of a girl he + considered so far above him a few hours before; Matty sat quiet, and + looked at the fire. + </p> + <p> + “It's very quare, isn't it?” says Andy with a grin, looking at her + tenderly, and twiddling his thumbs. + </p> + <p> + “What's quare?” inquired Matty, very drily. + </p> + <p> + “The estate,” responded Andy. + </p> + <p> + “What estate?” asked Matty. + </p> + <p> + “Your estate and my estate,” said Andy. + </p> + <p> + “Sure you don't call the three-cornered field my father gave us an estate, + you fool?” answered Matty. + </p> + <p> + “Oh no,” said Andy. “I mane the blessed and holy estate of matrimony the + priest put us in possession of;” and Andy drew a stool near the heiress, + on the strength of the hit he thought he had made. + </p> + <p> + “Sit at the other side of the fire,” said Matty, very coldly. + </p> + <p> + “Yes, miss,” responded Andy, very respectfully; and in shoving his seat + backwards the legs of the stool caught in the earthen floor, and Andy + tumbled heels over head. + </p> + <p> + Matty laughed while Andy was picking himself up with increased confusion + at this mishap; for even amidst rustics there is nothing more humiliating + than a lover placing himself in a ridiculous position at the moment he is + doing his best to make himself agreeable. + </p> + <p> + “It is well your coat's not new,” said Matty, with a contemptuous look at + Handy's weather-beaten vestment. + </p> + <p> + “I hope I'll soon have a betther,” said Andy, a little piqued, with all + his reverence for the heiress, at this allusion to his poverty. “But sure + it wasn't the coat you married, but the man that's in it; and sure I'll + take off my clothes as soon as you please, Matty, my dear—Miss + Dwyer, I mane—I beg your pardon.” + </p> + <p> + “You had better wait till you get better,” answered Matty, very drily. + “You know the old saying, 'Don't throw out your dirty wather until you get + in fresh.'” + </p> + <p> + “Ah, darlin', don't be cruel to me!” said Andy, in a supplicating tone. “I + know I'm not desarvin' of you, but sure I did not make so bowld as to make + up to you until I seen that nobody else would have you.” + </p> + <p> + “Nobody else have me!” exclaimed Matty, as her eyes flashed with anger. + </p> + <p> + “I beg your pardon, miss,” said poor Andy, who in the extremity of his own + humility had committed such an offence against Matty's pride. “I only + meant that—” + </p> + <p> + “Say no more about it,” said Matty, who recovered her equanimity. “Didn't + my father give you the lase of the field and house?” + </p> + <p> + “Yis, miss.” + </p> + <p> + “You had better let me keep it then; 'twill be safer with me than you.” + </p> + <p> + “Sartainly,” said Andy, who drew the lease from his pocket and handed it + to her, and—as he was near to her—he attempted a little + familiarity, which Matty repelled very unequivocally. + </p> + <p> + “Arrah! is it jokes you are crackin'?” said Andy, with a grin, advancing + to renew his fondling. + </p> + <p> + “I tell you what it is,” said Matty, jumping up, “I'll crack your head if + you don't behave yourself!” and she seized the stool on which she had been + sitting, and brandished it in a very amazonian fashion. + </p> + <p> + “Oh, wirra! wirra!” said Andy, in amaze—“aren't you my wife?” + </p> + <p> + “<i>Your</i> wife!” retorted Matty, with a very devil in her eye—“<i>Your</i> + wife, indeed, you great <i>omadhaun</i>; why, then, had you the brass to + think I'd put up with <i>you</i>?” + </p> + <p> + “Arrah, then, why did you marry me?” said Andy, in a pitiful argumentative + whine. + </p> + <p> + “Why did I marry you?” retorted Matty—“Didn't I know betther than + refuse you, when my father said the word <i>when the divil was busy with + him</i>? Why did I marry you?—it's a pity I didn't refuse, and be + murthered that night, maybe, as soon as the people's backs was turned. Oh, + it's little you know of owld Jack Dwyer, or you wouldn't ask me that; but, + though I'm afraid of him, I'm not afraid of you—so stand off I tell + you.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, Blessed Virgin!” cried Andy; “and what will be the end of it?” + </p> + <p> + There was a tapping at the door as he spoke. + </p> + <p> + “You'll soon see what will be the end of it,” said Matty, as she walked + across the cabin and opened to the knock. + </p> + <p> + James Casey entered and clasped Matty in his arms; and half a dozen + athletic fellows and one old and debauched-looking man followed, and the + door was immediately closed after their entry. + </p> + <p> + Andy stood in amazement while Casey and Matty caressed each other; and the + old man said in a voice tremulous with intoxication, “A very pretty filly, + by jingo!” + </p> + <p> + “I lost no time the minute I got your message, Matty,” said Casey, “and + here's the Father ready to join us.” + </p> + <p> + “Ay, ay,” cackled the old reprobate—“hammer and tongs!—strike + while the iron's hot!—I'm the boy for a short job”; and he pulled a + greasy book from his pocket as he spoke. + </p> + <p> + This was a degraded clergyman, known in Ireland under the title of + “Couple-Beggar,” who is ready to perform irregular marriages on such + urgent occasions as the present; and Matty had contrived to inform James + Casey of the desperate turn affairs had taken at home, and recommended him + to adopt the present plan, and so defeat the violent measure of her father + by one still more so. + </p> + <p> + A scene of uproar now ensued, for Andy did not take matters quietly, but + made a pretty considerable row, which was speedily quelled, however, by + Casey's bodyguard, who tied Andy neck and heels, and in that helpless + state he witnessed the marriage ceremony performed by the “couple-beggar,” + between Casey and the girl he had looked upon as his own five minutes + before. + </p> + <p> + In vain did he raise his voice against the proceeding; the “couple-beggar” + smothered his objections in ribald jests. + </p> + <p> + “You can't take her from me, I tell you,” cried Andy. + </p> + <p> + “No; but we can take you from her,” said the “couple-beggar”; and, at the + words, Casey's friends dragged Andy from the cottage, bidding a rollicking + adieu to their triumphant companion, who bolted the door after them and + became possessor of the wife and property poor Andy thought he had + secured. + </p> + <p> + To guard against an immediate alarm being given, Andy was warned on pain + of death to be silent as his captors bore him along, and he took them to + be too much men of their word to doubt they would keep their promise. They + bore him through a lonely by-lane for some time, and on arriving at the + stump of an old tree, bound him securely to it, and left him to pass his + wedding-night in the tight embraces of hemp. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0009" id="link2HCH0009"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXX + </h2> + <p> + The news of Andy's wedding, so strange in itself, and being celebrated + before so many, spread over the country like wildfire, and made the talk + of half the barony for the next day, and the question, “<i>Arrah, did you + hear of the wondherful wedding?</i>” was asked in high-road and by-road,—and + scarcely a <i>boreen</i> whose hedges had not borne witness to this + startling matrimonial intelligence. The story, like all other stories, of + course got twisted into various strange shapes, and fanciful exaggerations + became grafted on the original stem, sufficiently grotesque in itself; and + one of the versions set forth how old Jack Dwyer, the more to vex Casey, + had given his daughter the greatest fortune that ever had been heard of in + the country. + </p> + <p> + Now one of the open-eared people who had caught hold of the story by this + end happened to meet Andy's mother, and, with a congratulatory grin, began + with “The top o' the mornin' to you, Mrs. Rooney, and sure I wish you + joy.” + </p> + <p> + “Och hone, and for why, dear?” answered Mrs. Rooney, “sure, it's nothin' + but trouble and care I have, poor and in want, like me.” + </p> + <p> + “But sure you'll never be in want any more.” + </p> + <p> + “Arrah, who towld you so, agra?” + </p> + <p> + “Sure the boy will take care of you now, won't he?” + </p> + <p> + “What boy?” + </p> + <p> + “Andy, sure!” + </p> + <p> + “Andy!” replied his mother, in amazement. “Andy, indeed!—out o' + place, and without a bawbee to bless himself with!—stayin' out all + night, the blackguard!” + </p> + <p> + “By this and that, I don't think you know a word about it,” cried the + friend, whose turn it was for wonder now. + </p> + <p> + “Don't I, indeed?” said Mrs. Rooney, huffed at having her word doubted, as + she thought. “I tell you he never <i>was</i> at home last night, and maybe + it's yourself was helping him, Micky Lavery, to keep his bad coorses—the + slingein' dirty blackguard that he is.” + </p> + <p> + Micky Lavery set up a shout of laughter, which increased the ire of Mrs. + Rooney, who would have passed on in dignified silence but that Micky held + her fast, and when he recovered breath enough to speak, he proceeded to + tell her about Andy's marriage, but in such a disjointed way, that it was + some time before Mrs. Rooney could comprehend him—for his + interjectional laughter at the capital joke it was, that she should be the + last to know it, and that he should have the luck to tell it, sometimes + broke the thread of his story—and then his collateral observations + so disfigured the tale, that its incomprehensibility became very much + increased, until at last Mrs. Rooney was driven to push him by direct + questions. + </p> + <p> + “For the tendher mercy, Micky Lavery, make me sinsible, and don't + disthract me—is the boy married?” + </p> + <p> + “Yis, I tell you.” + </p> + <p> + “To Jack Dwyer's daughter?” + </p> + <p> + “Yis.” + </p> + <p> + “And gev him a fort'n'?” + </p> + <p> + “Gev him half his property, I tell you, and he'll have all when the owld + man's dead.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, more power to you, Andy!” cried his mother in delight: “it's you that + <i>is</i> the boy, and the best child that ever was! Half his property, + you tell me, <i>Misther</i> Lavery?” added she, getting distant and polite + the moment she found herself mother to a rich man, and curtailing her + familiarity with a poor one like Lavery. + </p> + <p> + “Yes, <i>ma'am</i>,” said Lavery, touching his hat, “and the whole of it + when the owld man dies.” + </p> + <p> + “Then indeed I wish him a happy relase!” [Footnote: A “happy release” is + the Irish phrase for departing this life] said Mrs. Rooney, piously—“not + that I owe the man any spite—but sure he'd be no loss—and it's + a good wish to any one, sure, to wish them in heaven. Good mornin', + Misther Lavery,” said Mrs. Rooney, with a patronising smile, and “going + the road with a dignified air.” + </p> + <p> + Mick Lavery looked after her with mingled wonder and indignation. “Bad + luck to you, you owld sthrap!” he muttered between his teeth. “How + consaited you are, all of a sudden—by Jakers, I'm sorry I towld you—cock + you up, indeed—put a beggar on horseback to be sure—humph!—the + devil cut the tongue out o' me if ever I give any one good news again. + I've a mind to turn back and tell Tim Dooling his horse is in the pound.” + </p> + <p> + Mrs. Rooney continued her dignified pace as long as she was in sight of + Lavery, but the moment an angle of the road screened her from his + observation, off she set, running as hard as she could, to embrace her + darling Andy, and realise with her own eyes and ears all the good news she + had heard. She puffed out by the way many set phrases about the goodness + of Providence, and arranged at the same time sundry fine speeches to make + to the bride; so that the old lady's piety and flattery ran a strange + couple together along with herself; while mixed up with her prayers and + her blarney, were certain speculations about Jack Dwyer—as to how + long he could <i>live</i>—and how much he might <i>leave</i>. + </p> + <p> + It was in this frame of mind she reached the hill which commanded a view + of the three-cornered field and the snug cottage, and down she rushed to + embrace her darling Andy and his gentle bride. Puffing and blowing like a + porpoise, bang she went into the cottage, and Matty being the first person + she met, she flung herself upon her, and covered her with embraces and + blessings. + </p> + <p> + Matty, being taken by surprise, was some time before she could shake off + the old beldame's hateful caresses; but at last getting free and tucking + up her hair, which her imaginary mother-in-law had clawed about her ears, + she exclaimed in no very gentle tones— + </p> + <p> + “Arrah, good woman, who axed for <i>your</i> company—who are you at + all?” + </p> + <p> + “Your mother-in-law, jewel!” cried the Widow Rooney, making another + open-armed rush at her beloved daughter-in-law; but Matty received the + widow's protruding mouth on her clenched fist instead of her lips, and the + old woman's nose coming in for a share of Matty's knuckles, a ruby stream + spurted forth, while all the colours of the rainbow danced before Mrs. + Rooney's eyes as she reeled backward on the floor. + </p> + <p> + “Take that, you owld faggot!” cried Matty, as she shook Mrs. Rooney's + tributary claret from the knuckles which had so scientifically tapped it, + and wiped her hand in her apron. + </p> + <p> + The old woman roared “millia' murthur” on the floor, and snuffled out a + deprecatory question “if that was the proper way to be received in her + son's house.” + </p> + <p> + “<i>Your</i> son's house, indeed!” cried Matty. “Get out o' the place, you + stack o' rags.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, Andy! Andy!” cried the mother, gathering herself up. + </p> + <p> + “Oh—that's it, is it!” cried Matty; “so it's Andy you want?” + </p> + <p> + “To be sure: why wouldn't I want him, you hussy? My boy! my darlin'! my + beauty!” + </p> + <p> + “Well, go look for him!” cried Matty, giving her a shove towards the door. + “Well, now, do you think I'll be turned out of my son's house so quietly + as that, you unnatural baggage?” cried Mrs. Rooney, facing round, + fiercely. Upon which a bitter altercation ensued between the women; in the + course of which the widow soon learnt that Andy was not the possessor of + Matty's charms: whereupon the old woman, no longer having the fear of + damaging her daughter-in-law's beauty before her eyes, tackled to for a + fight in right earnest, in the course of which some reprisals were made by + the widow in revenge for her broken nose; but Matty's youth and activity, + joined to her Amazonian spirit, turned the tide in her favour, though, had + not the old lady been blown by her long run, the victory would not have + been so easy, for she was a tough customer, and <i>left</i> Matty certain + marks of her favour that did not rub out in a hurry—while she took + <i>away</i> (as a keepsake) a handful of Matty's hair, by which she had + long held on till a successful kick from the gentle bride finally ejected + Mrs. Rooney from the house. + </p> + <p> + Off she reeled, bleeding and roaring, and while on her approach she had + been blessing Heaven and inventing sweet speeches for Matty, on her + retreat she was cursing fate and heaping all sorts of hard names on the + Amazon she came to flatter. Alas, for the brevity of human exultation! + </p> + <p> + How fared it in the meantime with Andy? He, poor devil! had passed a cold + night, tied up to the old tree, and as the morning dawned, every object + appeared to him through the dim light in a distorted form; the gaping + hollow of the old trunk to which he was bound seemed like a huge mouth, + opening to swallow him, while the old knots looked like eyes, and the + gnarled branches like claws, staring at and ready to tear him in pieces. + </p> + <p> + A raven, perched above him on a lonely branch, croaked dismally, till Andy + fancied he could hear words of reproach in the sounds, while a little + tomtit chattered and twittered on a neighbouring bough, as if he enjoyed + and approved of all the severe things the raven uttered. The little tomtit + was the worst of the two, just as the solemn reproof of the wise can be + better borne than the impertinent remark of some chattering fool. To these + imaginary evils was added the reality of some enormous water-rats that + issued from an adjacent pool and began to eat Andy's hat and shoes, which + had fallen off in his struggle with his captors; and all Andy's warning + ejaculations could not make the vermin abstain from his shoes and his hat, + which, to judge from their eager eating, could not stay their stomachs + long, so that Andy, as he looked on at the rapid demolition, began to + dread that they might transfer their favours from his attire to himself, + until the tramp of approaching horses relieved his anxiety, and in a few + minutes two horsemen stood before him—they were Father Phil and + Squire Egan. + </p> + <p> + Great was the surprise of the Father to see the fellow he had married the + night before, and whom he supposed to be in the enjoyment of his + honeymoon, tied up to a tree and looking more dead than alive; and his + indignation knew no bounds when he heard that a “couple-beggar” had dared + to celebrate the marriage ceremony, which fact came out in the course of + the explanation Andy made of the desperate misadventure which had befallen + him; but all other grievances gave way in the eyes of Father Phil to the + “couple-beggar.” + </p> + <p> + “A 'couple-beggar'!—the audacious vagabones!” he cried, while he and + the Squire were engaged in loosing Andy's bonds. “A 'couple-beggar' in my + parish! How fast they have tied him up, Squire!” he added, as he + endeavoured to undo a knot. “A 'couple-beggar,' indeed! I'll undo the + marriage!—have you a knife about you, Squire?—the blessed and + holy tie of matrimony!—it's a black knot, bad luck to it, and must + be cut—take your leg out o' that now—and wait till I lay my + hands on them—a 'couple-beggar' indeed!” + </p> + <p> + “A desperate outrage this whole affair has been!” said the Squire. + </p> + <p> + “But a 'couple-beggar,' Squire.” + </p> + <p> + “His house broken into—” + </p> + <p> + “But a 'couple-beggar'—” + </p> + <p> + “His wife taken from him—” + </p> + <p> + “But a 'couple-beggar'—” + </p> + <p> + “The laws violated—” + </p> + <p> + “But <i>my dues</i>, Squire—think o' that!—what would become + o' <i>them</i>, if 'couple-beggars' is allowed to show their audacious + faces in the parish. Oh, wait till next Sunday, that's all—I'll have + them up before the althar, and I'll make them beg God's pardon, and my + pardon, and the congregation's pardon, the audacious pair!” [Footnote: A + man and woman who had been united by a “couple-beggar” were called up one + Sunday by the priest in the face of the congregation, and summoned, as + Father Phil threatens above, to beg God's pardon, and the priest's pardon, + and the congregation's pardon; but the woman stoutly refused the last + condition. “I'll beg God's pardon and your Reverence's pardon,” she said, + “but I won't beg the congregation's pardon.” “You won't?” says the priest. + “I won't,” says she. “Oh you conthrairy baggage,” cried his Reverence: + “take her home out o' that,” said he to her husband who HAD humbled + himself—“take her home, and leather her well—for she wants it; + and if you don't leather her, you'll be sorry—for if you don't make + her afraid of you, she'll master YOU, too—take her home and leather + her.”—FACT.] + </p> + <p> + “It's an assault on Andy,” said the Squire. + </p> + <p> + “It's a robbery on me,” said Father Phil. + </p> + <p> + “Could you identify the men?” said the Squire. + </p> + <p> + “Do you know the 'couple-beggar'?” said the priest. + </p> + <p> + “Did James Casey lay his hands on you?” said the Squire; “for he's a good + man to have a warrant against.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, Squire, Squire!” ejaculated Father Phil; “talking of laying hands on + <i>him</i> is it you are?—didn't that blackguard 'couple-beggar' lay + his dirty hands on a woman that my bran new benediction was upon! Sure, + they'd do anything after that!” By this time Andy was free, and having + received the Squire's directions to follow him to Merryvale, Father Phil + and the worthy Squire were once more in their saddles and proceeded + quietly to the same place, the Squire silently considering the audacity of + the <i>coup-de-main</i> which robbed Andy of his wife, and his reverence + puffing out his rosy cheeks and muttering sundry angry sentences, the only + intelligible words of which were “couple-beggar.” + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0010" id="link2HCH0010"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXXI + </h2> + <p> + Doubtless the reader has anticipated that the presence of Father Phil in + the company of the Squire at this immediate time was on account of the + communication made by Andy about the post-office affair. Father Phil had + determined to give the Squire freedom from the strategetic coil in which + Larry Hogan had ensnared him, and lost no time in setting about it; and it + was on his intended visit to Merryvale that he met its hospitable owner, + and telling him there was a matter of some private importance he wished to + communicate, suggested a quiet ride together; and this it was which led to + their traversing the lonely little lane where they discovered Andy, whose + name was so principal in the revelations of that day. + </p> + <p> + To the Squire those revelations were of the dearest importance; for they + relieved his mind from a weight which had been oppressing it for some + time, and set his heart at rest. Egan, it must be remarked, was an odd + mixture of courage and cowardice: undaunted by personal danger, but + strangely timorous where moral courage was required. A remarkable shyness, + too, made him hesitate constantly in the utterance of a word which might + explain away any difficulty in which he chanced to find himself; and this + helped to keep his tongue tied in the matter where Larry Hogan had + continued to make himself a bugbear. He had a horror, too, of being + thought capable of doing a dishonourable thing, and the shame he felt at + having peeped into a letter was so stinging, that the idea of asking any + one's advice in the dilemma in which he was placed made him recoil from + the thought of such aid. Now, Father Phil had relieved him from the + difficulties his own weakness imposed; the subject had been forced upon + him; and once forced to speak he made a full acknowledgment of all that + had taken place; and when he found Andy had not borne witness against him, + and that Larry Hogan only <i>inferred</i> his participation in the + transaction, he saw on Father Phil's showing that he was not really in + Larry Hogan's power; for though he admitted he had given Larry a trifle of + money from time to time when Larry asked for it, under the influence of + certain innuendoes, yet that was no proof against him; and Father Phil's + advice was to get Andy out of the way as soon as possible, and then to set + Larry quietly at defiance—that is to say, in Father Phil's own + words, “to keep never minding him.” + </p> + <p> + Now Andy not being encumbered with a wife (as fate had so ordained it) + made the matter easier, and the Squire and the Father, as they rode + towards Merryvale together to dinner, agreed to pack off Andy without + delay, and thus place him beyond Hogan's power; and as Dick Dawson was + going to London with Murphy, to push the petition against Scatterbrain's + return, it was looked upon as a lucky chance, and Andy was at once named + to bear them company. + </p> + <p> + “But you must not let Hogan know that Andy is sent away under your + patronage, Squire,” said the Father, “for that would be presumptive + evidence you had an interest in his absence; and Hogan is the very + blackguard would see it fast enough, for he is a knowing rascal.” + </p> + <p> + “He's the deepest scoundrel I ever met,” said the Squire. + </p> + <p> + “As knowing as a jailer,” said Father Phil. “A jailer, did I say—by + dad, he bates any jailer I ever heard of—for that fellow is so + 'cute, he <i>could keep Newgate with a book and eye.”</i> + </p> + <p> + “By-the-bye, there's one thing I forgot to tell you, respecting those + letters I threw into the fire; for remember, Father, I only peeped into <i>one</i> + and destroyed the others; but one of the letters, I must tell you, was + directed to yourself.” + </p> + <p> + “'Faith, then, I forgive you that, Squire,” said Father Phil, “for I hate + letters; but if you have any scruple of conscience on the subject, write + me one yourself, and that will do as well.” + </p> + <p> + The Squire could not help thinking the Father's mode of settling the + difficulty worthy of Handy Andy himself; but he did not tell the Father + so. + </p> + <p> + They had now reached Merryvale, where the good-humoured priest was + heartily welcomed, and where Doctor Growling, Dick Dawson, and Murphy were + also guests at dinner. Great was the delight of the party at the history + they heard, when the cloth was drawn, of Andy's wedding, so much in + keeping with his former life and adventures, and Father Phil had another + opportunity of venting his rage against the “couple-beggar.” + </p> + <p> + “That was but a slip-knot you tied, Father,” said the doctor. + </p> + <p> + “Aye, aye! joke away, doctor.” + </p> + <p> + “Do you think, Father Phil,” said Murphy, “that <i>that</i> marriage was + made in heaven, where we are told marriages <i>are</i> made?” + </p> + <p> + “I don't suppose it was, Mr. Murphy; for if it had it would have held upon + earth.” + </p> + <p> + “Very well answered, Father,” said the Squire. + </p> + <p> + “I don't know what other people think about matches being made in heaven,” + said Growling, “but I have my suspicions they are sometimes made in + another place.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, fie, doctor!” said Mrs. Egan. + </p> + <p> + “The doctor, ma'am, is an old bachelor,” said Father Phil, “or he wouldn't + say so.” + </p> + <p> + “Thank you, Father Phil, for so polite a speech.” + </p> + <p> + The doctor took his pencil from his pocket and began to write on a small + bit of paper, which the priest observing, asked him what he was about, “or + is it writing a prescription you are,” said he, “for compounding better + marriages than I can?” + </p> + <p> + “Something very naughty, I dare say, the doctor is doing,” said Fanny + Dawson. + </p> + <p> + “Judge for yourself, lady fair,” said the doctor, handing Fanny the slip + of paper. + </p> + <p> + Fanny looked at it for a moment and smiled, but declared it was very + wicked indeed. + </p> + <p> + “Then read it for the company, and condemn me out of your own pretty + mouth, Miss Dawson,” said the doctor. + </p> + <p> + “It is too wicked.” + </p> + <p> + “If it is ever so wicked,” said Father Phil, “the wickedness will be + neutralised by being read by an angel.” + </p> + <p> + “Well done, St. Omer's,” cried Murphy. + </p> + <p> + “Really, Father,” said Fanny, blushing, “you are desperately gallant + to-day, and just to shame you, and show how little of an angel I am, I <i>will</i> + read the doctor's epigram:— + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 'Though matches are all made in heaven, they say, + Yet Hymen, who mischief oft hatches, + Sometimes deals with the house <i>t'other side of the way</i>, + And <i>there</i> they make <i>Lucifer</i> matches.'” + </pre> + <p> + “Oh, doctor! I'm afraid you are a woman-hater,” said Mrs. Egan. “Come + away, Fanny, I am sure they want to get rid of us.” + </p> + <p> + “Yes,” said Fanny, rising and joining her sister, who was leaving the + room, “and now, after abusing poor Hymen, gentlemen, we leave you to your + favourite worship of Bacchus.” + </p> + <p> + The departure of the ladies changed the conversation, and after the + gentlemen had resumed their seats, the doctor asked Dick Dawson how soon + he intended going to London. + </p> + <p> + “I start immediately,” said Dick. “Don't forget to give me that letter of + introduction to your friend in Dublin, whom I long to know.” + </p> + <p> + “Who is he?” asked the Squire. + </p> + <p> + “One Tom Loftus—or, as his friends call him, 'Piping Tom,' from his + vocal powers; or, as some nickname him, '<i>Organ</i> Loftus,' from his + imitation of that instrument, which is an excessively comical piece of + caricature.” + </p> + + <div class="fig" style="width:80%"> + <img alt="organ_loftus (128K)" src="images/organ_loftus.jpg" width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + “Oh! I know him well,” said Father Phil. + </p> + <p> + “How did you manage to become acquainted with him?” inquired the doctor, + “for I did not think he lay much in your way.” + </p> + <p> + “It was <i>he</i> became acquainted with me,” said Father Phil, “and this + was the way of it—he was down on a visit betimes in the parish I was + in before this, and his behaviour was so wild that I was obliged to make + an allusion in the chapel to his indiscretions, and threaten to make his + conduct a subject of severe public censure if he did not mind his manners + a little better. Well, my dear, who should call on me on the Monday + morning after but Misther Tom, all smiles and graces, and protesting he + was sorry he fell under my displeasure, and hoping I would never have + cause to find fault with him again. Sure, I thought he was repenting of + his misdeeds, and I said I was glad to hear such good words from him. 'A' + then, Father,' says he, 'I hear you have got a great curiosity from Dublin—a + shower-bath, I hear?' So I said I had: and indeed, to be candid, I was as + proud as a peacock of the same bath, which tickled my fancy when I was + once in town, and so I bought it. 'Would you show it to me?' says he. 'To + be sure,' says I, and off I went, like a fool, and put the wather on the + top, and showed him how, when a string was pulled, down it came—and + he pretended not clearly to understand the thing, and at last he said, + 'Sure it's not into that sentry-box you get?' says he. 'Oh yes,' said I, + getting into it quite innocent; when, my dear, he slaps the door and + fastens it on me, and pulls the string and souses me with the water, and I + with my best suit of black on me. I roared and shouted inside while + Misther Tom Loftus was screechin' laughing outside, and dancing round the + room with delight. At last, when he could speak, he said, 'Now, Father, + we're even,' says he, 'for the abuse you gave me yesterday,' and off he + ran.” + </p> + <p> + “That's just like him,” said old Growling, chuckling; “he's a queer devil. + I remember on one occasion a poor dandy puppy, who was in the same office + with him—for Tom is in the Ordnance department, you must know—this + puppy, sir, wanted to go to the Ashbourne races and cut a figure in the + eyes of a rich grocer's daughter he was sweet upon.” + </p> + <p> + “Being sweet upon a grocer's daughter,” said Murphy, “is like bringing + coals to Newcastle.” + </p> + <p> + “'Faith! it was coals to Newcastle with a vengeance, in the present case, + for the girl would have nothing to say to him, and Tom had great delight + whenever he could annoy this poor fool in his love-making plots. So, when + he came to Tom to ask for the loan of his horse, Tom said he should have + him <i>if he could make the smallest use of him</i>—'but I don't + think you can,' said Tom. 'Leave that to me,' said the youth. 'I don't + think you could make him go,' said Tom. 'I'll buy a new pair of spurs,' + said the puppy. 'Let them be handsome ones,' said Tom. 'I was looking at a + very handsome pair at Lamprey's, yesterday,' said the young gentleman. + 'Then you can buy them on your way to my stables,' said Tom; and sure + enough, sir, the youth laid out his money on a very costly pair of + persuaders, and then proceeded homewards with Tom. 'Now, with all your + spurs,' said Tom, 'I don't think you'll be able to make him go.' 'Is he so + very vicious, then?' inquired the youth, who began to think of his neck. + 'On the contrary,' said Tom, 'he's perfectly quiet, but won't go for <i>you</i>, + I'll bet a pound.' 'Done!' said the youth. 'Well, try him,' said Tom, as + he threw open the stable door. 'He's lazy, I see,' said the youth; 'for + he's lying down.' 'Faith, he is,' said Tom, 'and hasn't got up these two + days!' 'Get up, you brute!' said the innocent youth, giving a smart cut of + his whip on the horse's flank; but the horse did not budge. '<i>Why, he's + dead!</i>' says he. 'Yes,' says Tom, 'since Monday last. So I don't think + you can make him go, and you've lost your bet!'” + </p> + <p> + “That was hardly a fair joke,” said the Squire. + </p> + <p> + “Tom never stops to think of that,” returned the doctor; “he's the oddest + fellow I ever knew. The last time I was in Dublin, I called on Tom and + found him one bitter cold and stormy morning standing at an open window, + nearly quite undressed. On asking him what he was about, he said he was <i>getting + up a bass voice</i>; that Mrs. Somebody, who gave good dinners and bad + concerts, was disappointed of her bass singer, 'and I think,' said Tom, + 'I'll be hoarse enough in the evening to take double B flat. Systems are + the fashion now,' said he; 'there is the Logierian system and other + systems, and mine is the Cold-air-ian system, and the best in the world + for getting up a bass voice.'” + </p> + <p> + “That was very original certainly,” said the Squire. + </p> + <p> + “But did you ever hear of his adventure with the Duke of Wellington?” said + the doctor. + </p> + <p> + “The Duke!” they all exclaimed. + </p> + <p> + “Yes—that is, when he was only Sir Arthur Wellesley. Well, I'll tell + you.” + </p> + <p> + “Stop,” said the Squire, “a fresh story requires a fresh bottle. Let me + ring for some claret.” + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0011" id="link2HCH0011"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXXII + </h2> + <p> + The servant who brought in the claret announced at the same time the + arrival of a fresh guest in the person of “Captain Moriarty,” who was + welcomed by most of the party by the name of Randal. The Squire regretted + he was too late for dinner, inquiring at the same time if he would like to + have something to eat at the side-table; but Randal declined the offer, + assuring the Squire he had got some refreshment during the day while he + had been out shooting; but as the sport led, him near Merryvale, and “he + had a great thirst upon him,” he did not know a better house in the + country wherein to have “that same” satisfied. + </p> + <p> + “Then you're just in time for some cool claret,” said the Squire; “so sit + down beside the doctor, for he must have the first glass and broach the + bottle, before he broaches the story he's going to tell us—that's + only fair.” + </p> + <p> + The doctor filled his glass, and tasted. “What a nice <i>'chateau,' + 'Margaux''</i> must be,” said he, as he laid down his glass. “I should like + to be a tenant-at-will there, at a small rent.” + </p> + <p> + “And no taxes,” said Dick. + </p> + <p> + “Except my duty to the claret,” replied the doctor. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 'My favourite chateau, + Is that of Margaux.' +</pre> + <p> + “By-the-bye, talking of <i>chateau</i>, there's the big brewer over at the + town, who is anxious to affect gentility, and he heard some one use the + word <i>chapeau</i>, and having found out it was the French for <i>hat</i>, + he determined to show off on the earliest possible occasion, and selected + a public meeting of some sort to display his accomplishment. Taking some + cause of objection to the proceedings, as an excuse for leaving the + meeting, he said, 'Gentlemen, the fact is I can't agree with you, so I may + as well take my <i>chateau</i> under my arm at once, and walk.'” + </p> + <p> + “Is not that an invention of your own, doctor?” said the Squire. + </p> + <p> + “I heard it for fact,” said Growling. + </p> + <p> + “And 't is true,” added Murphy, “for I was present when he said it. And at + an earlier part of the proceedings he suggested that the parish clerk + should read the resolutions, because he had a good '<i>laudable</i> + voice.'” + </p> + <p> + “A parish clerk ought to have,” said the doctor—“eh, Father Phil?—'<i>Laudamus!</i>'” + </p> + <p> + “Leave your Latin,” said Dick, “and tell us that story you promised about + the Duke and Tom Loftus.” + </p> + <p> + “Right, Misther Dick,” said Father Phil. + </p> + <p> + “The story, doctor,” said the Squire. + </p> + <p> + “Oh, don't make such bones about it,” said Growling; “'tis but a trifle + after all; only it shows you what a queer and reckless rascal Tom is. I + told you he was called '<i>Organ</i>' Loftus by his friends, in + consequence of the imitation he makes of that instrument; and it certainly + is worth hearing and seeing, for your eyes have as much to do with the + affair as your ears. Tom plants himself on a high office-stool, before one + of those lofty desks with long rows of drawers down each side and a hole + between to put your legs under. Well, sir, Tom pulls out the top drawers, + like the stops of an organ, and the lower ones by way of pedals: and then + he begins thrashing the desk like the finger-board of an organ with his + hands, while his feet kick away at the lower drawers as if he were the + greatest pedal performer out of Germany, and he emits a rapid succession + of grunts and squeaks, producing a ludicrous reminiscence of the + instrument, which I defy any one to hear without laughing. Several sows + and an indefinite number of sucking pigs could not make a greater noise, + and Tom himself declares he studied the instrument in a pigsty, which he + maintains gave the first notion of an organ. Well, sir, the youths in the + office assist in 'doing the service,' as they call it, that is, making an + imitation of the chanting and so forth in St. Patrick's Cathedral.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, the haythens!” said Father Phil. + </p> + <p> + “One does Spray, and another Weyman, and another Sir John Stevenson, and + so on; and they go on responsing and singing 'Amen' till the Ordnance + Office rings again.” + </p> + <p> + “Have they nothing better to do?” asked the Squire. + </p> + <p> + “Very little but reading the papers,” said the doctor. + </p> + <p> + “Well—Tom—you must know, sir—was transferred some time + ago, by the interest of many influential friends, to the London + department; and the fame of his musical powers had gone before him from + some of the English clerks in Ireland who had been advanced to the higher + posts in Dublin, and kept up correspondence with their old friends in + London; and it was not long until Tom was requested to go through an + anthem on the great office-desk. Tom was only too glad to be asked, and he + kept the whole office in a roar for an hour with all the varieties of the + instrument—from the diapason to the flute-stop—and the devil a + more business was done in the office <i>that</i> day, and Tom before long + made the sober English fellows as great idlers as the chaps in Dublin. + Well—it was not long until a sudden flush of business came upon the + department, in consequence of the urgent preparations making for supplies + to Spain, at the time the Duke was going there to take the command of the + army, and organ-playing was set aside for some days; but the fellows, + after a week's abstinence, began to yearn for it and Tom was requested to + 'do the service.' Tom, nothing loath, threw aside his official papers, set + up a big ledger before him, and commenced his legerdemain, as he called + it, pulled out his stops, and began to work away like a weaver, while + every now and then he swore at the bellows-blower for not giving him wind + enough, whereupon the choristers would kick the bellows-blower to + accelerate his flatulency. Well, sir, they were in the middle of the + service, and all the blackguards making the responses in due season, when, + just as Tom was quivering under a portentous grunt, which might have + shamed the principal diapason of Harlaem, and the subs were drawing out a + resplendent 'A-a-a-men,' the door opened, and in walked a smart-looking + gentleman, with rather a large nose and quick eye, which latter glanced + round the office, where a sudden endeavour was made by everybody to get + back to his place. The smart gentleman seemed rather surprised to see a + little fat man blowing at a desk instead of the fire, and long Tom + kicking, grunting, and squealing like mad. The bellows-blower was so taken + by surprise he couldn't stir, and Tom, having his back to them, did not + see what had taken place, and went on as if nothing had happened, till the + smart gentleman went up to him, and tapping on Tom's desk with a little + riding-whip, he said, 'I'm sorry to disturb you, sir, but I wish to know + what you're about.' 'We're doing the service, sir,' said Tom, no ways + abashed at the sight of the stranger, for he did not know it was Sir + Arthur Wellesley was talking to him. 'Not the <i>public</i> service, sir,' + said Sir Arthur. 'Yes, sir,' said Tom, 'the service as by law established + in the second year of the reign of King Edward the Sixth,' and he favoured + the future hero of Waterloo with a touch of the organ. 'Who is the head of + this office?' inquired Sir Arthur. Tom, with a very gracious bow, replied, + 'I am principal organist, sir, and allow me to introduce you to the + principal bellows-blower'—and he pointed to the poor little man who + let the bellows fall from his hand as Sir Arthur fixed his eyes on him. + Tom did not perceive till now that all the clerks were taken with a sudden + fit of industry, and were writing away for the bare life; and he cast a + look of surprise round the office while Sir Arthur was looking at the + bellows-blower. One of the clerks made a wry face at Tom, which showed him + all was not right. 'Is this the way His Majesty's service generally goes + on here?' said Sir Arthur, sharply. No one answered; but Tom saw, by the + long faces of the clerks and the short question of the visitor, that he + was <i>somebody</i>. + </p> + <p> + “'Some transports are waiting for ordnance stores, and I am referred to + this office,' said Sir Arthur; 'can any one give me a satisfactory + answer?' + </p> + <p> + “The senior clerk present (for the head of the office was absent) came + forward and said, 'I believe, sir——' + </p> + <p> + “'You <i>believe</i>, but you don't <i>know</i>,' said Sir Arthur; 'so I + must wait for stores while you are playing tomfoolery here. I'll report + this.' Then producing a little tablet and a pencil, he turned to Tom and + said, 'Favour me with your name, sir?' + </p> + <p> + “'I give you my honour, sir,' said Tom. + </p> + <p> + “'I'd rather you'd give me the stores, sir,—I'll trouble you for + your name?' + </p> + <p> + “'Upon my honour, sir,' said Tom, again. + </p> + <p> + “'You seem to have a great deal of that article on your hands, sir,' said + Sir Arthur: 'you're an Irishman, I suppose?' + </p> + <p> + “'Yes, sir,' said Tom. + </p> + <p> + “'I thought so. Your name?' + </p> + <p> + “'Loftus, sir.' + </p> + <p> + “'Ely family?' + </p> + <p> + “'No, sir.' + </p> + <p> + “'Glad of it.' + </p> + <p> + “He put up his tablet after writing the name. + </p> + <p> + “'May I beg the favour to know, sir,' said Tom, 'to whom I have the honour + of addressing myself?' “'Sir Arthur Wellesley, sir.' + </p> + <p> + “'Oh! J—-s!' cried Tom, 'I'm done!' + </p> + <p> + “Sir Arthur could not help laughing at the extraordinary change in Tom's + countenance; and Tom, taking advantage of this relaxation in his iron + manner, said in a most penitent tone, 'Oh, Sir Arthur Wellesley, only + forgive me this time, and 'pon my <i>sowl</i> says he—with the + richest brogue—'I'll play a <i>Te Deum</i> for the first licking you + give the French.' Sir Arthur smiled and left the office.” + </p> + <p> + “Did he report as he threatened?” asked the Squire. + </p> + <p> + “'Faith, he did.” + </p> + <p> + “And Tom?” inquired Dick. + </p> + <p> + “Was sent back to Ireland, sir.” + </p> + <p> + “That was hard, after the Duke smiled at him,” said Murphy. + </p> + <p> + “Well, he did not let him suffer in pocket; he was transferred at as a + good a salary to a less important department, but you know the Duke has + been celebrated all his life for never overlooking a breach of duty.” + </p> + <p> + “And who can blame him?” said Moriarty. + </p> + <p> + “One great advantage of the practice has been,” said the Squire, “that no + man has been better served. I remember hearing a striking instance of + what, perhaps, might be called severe justice, which he exercised on a + young and distinguished officer of artillery in Spain; and though one + cannot help pitying the case of the gallant young fellow who was the + sacrifice, yet the question of strict duty, <i>to the very word</i>, was + set at rest for ever under the Duke's command, and it saved much <i>after</i>-trouble + by making every officer satisfied, however fiery his courage or tender his + sense of being suspected of the white feather, that implicit obedience was + the course he <i>must</i> pursue. The case was this:—the army was + going into action——” “What action was it?” inquired Father + Phil, with that remarkable alacrity which men of peace evince in hearing + the fullest particulars about war, perhaps because it is forbidden to + their cloth; one of the many instances of things acquiring a fictitious + value by being interdicted—just as Father Phil himself might have + been a Protestant only for the penal laws. + </p> + <p> + “I don't know what action it was,” said the Squire, “nor the officer's + name—for I don't set up for a military chronicler; but it was, as I + have been telling you, going into action that the Duke posted an officer, + with his six guns, at a certain point, telling him to remain there until + he had orders from <i>him</i>. Away went the rest of the army, and the + officer was left doing nothing at all, which he didn't like; for he was + one of those high-blooded gentlemen who are never so happy as when they + are making other people miserable, and he was longing for the head of a + French column to be hammering away at. In half an hour or so he heard the + distant sound of action, and it approached nearer and nearer, until he + heard it close behind him; and he wondered rather that he was not invited + to take a share in it, when, pat to his thought, up came an <i>aide-de-camp</i> + at full speed, telling him that General Somebody ordered him to bring up + his guns. The officer asked did not the order come from Lord Wellington? + The <i>aide-de-camp</i> said no, but from the General, whoever he was. The + officer explained that he was placed there by Lord Wellington, under + command not to move, unless by <i>an order from himself</i>. The <i>aide-de-camp</i> + stated that the General's entire brigade was being driven in and must be + annihilated without the aid of the guns, and asked, 'would he let a whole + brigade be slaughtered?' in a tone which wounded the young soldier's + pride, savouring, as he thought it did, of an imputation on his courage. + He immediately ordered his guns to move and joined battle with the + General; but while he was away, an <i>aide-de-camp</i> from Lord + Wellington rode up to where the guns <i>had been posted,</i> and, of + course, no gun was to be had for the service which Lord Wellington + required. Well, the French were repulsed, as it happened; but the want of + those six guns seriously marred a preconcerted movement of the Duke's, and + the officer in command of them was immediately brought to a court-martial, + and would have lost his commission but for the universal interest made in + his favour by the general officers in consideration of his former + meritorious conduct and distinguished gallantry, and under the peculiar + circumstances of the case. They did not break him, but he was suspended, + and Lord Wellington sent him home to England. Almost every general officer + in the army endeavoured to get his sentence revoked, lamenting the fate of + a gallant fellow being sent away for a slight error in judgment while the + army was in hot action but Lord Wellington was inexorable saying he must + make an example to secure himself in the perfect obedience of officers to + their orders; and it had the effect.” + </p> + <p> + “Well, that's what I call hard!” said Dick. + </p> + <p> + “My dear Dick,” said the Squire, “war is altogether a hard thing, and a + man has no business to be a General who isn't as hard as his own round + shot.” + </p> + <p> + “And what became of the <i>dear</i> young man?” said Father Phil, who + seemed much touched by the readiness with which the <i>dear</i> young man + set off to mow down the French. + </p> + <p> + “I can tell you,” said Moriarty, “for I served with him afterwards in the + Peninsula. He was let back after a year or so, and became so thorough a + disciplinarian, that he swore, when once he was at his post 'They might + kill <i>his father</i> before his face and he wouldn't budge until he had + orders.'” + </p> + <p> + “A most Christian resolution,” said the doctor. + </p> + <p> + “Well, I can tell you,” said Moriarty, “of a Frenchman, who made a greater + breach of discipline, and it was treated more leniently. I heard the story + from the man's own lips, and if I could only give you his voice and + gesture and manner it would amuse you. What fellows those Frenchmen are, + to be sure, for telling a story! they make a shrug or a wink have twenty + different meanings, and their claws are most eloquent—one might say + they talk on their fingers—and their broken English, I think, helps + them.” + </p> + <p> + “Then give the story, Randal, in his manner,” said Dick. “I have heard you + imitate a Frenchman capitally.” + </p> + <p> + “Well, here goes,” said Moriarty “but let me wet my whistle with a glass + of claret before I begin—a French story should have French wine.” + Randal tossed off one glass, and filled a second by way of reserve, and + then began the French officer's story. + </p> + <p> + “You see, sare, it vos ven in <i>Espagne</i> de bivouac vos vairy ard + indeet 'pon us, vor we coot naut get into de town at all, nevair, becos + you dam Ingelish keep all de town to yoursefs—vor we fall back at + dat time becos we get not support—no <i>corps de reserve</i>, you + perceive—so ve mek <i>retrograde</i> movement—not <i>retreat</i>—no, + no—but <i>retrograde</i> movement. Vell—von night I was wit my + picket guart, and it was raining like de devil, and de vind vos vinding up + de valley, so cold as noting at all, and de dark vos vot you could not see—no—not + your nose bevore your face. Vell, I hear de tramp of horse, and I look + into de dark—for ve vere vairy moche on the <i>qui vive</i>, because + ve expec de Ingelish to attaque de next day—but I see noting; but de + tramp of horse come closer and closer, and at last I ask, 'Who is dere?' + and de tramp of de horse stop. I run forward, and den I see Ingelish + offisair of cavallerie. I address him, and tell him he is in our lines, + but I do not vant to mek him prisonair—for you must know dat he <i>vos</i> + prisonair, if I like, ven he vos vithin our line. He is very polite—he + says, '<i>Bien obligé—bon enfant</i>;' and we tek off our hat to + each ozer. 'I aff lost my roat,' he say; and I say, 'Yais'—bote I + vill put him into his roat, and so I ask for a moment pardon, and go back + to my <i>caporal</i>, and tell him to be on de <i>qui vive</i> till I come + back. De Ingelish offisair and me talk very plaisant vile we go togezer + down de leetel roat, and ven we come to de turn, I say, '<i>Bon soir</i>, + Monsieur le Capitaine—dat is your vay.' He den tank me, vera moche + like gentilman, and vish he coot mek me some return for my générosité, as + he please to say—and I say, '<i>Bah!</i> Ingelish gentilman vood do + de same to French offisair who lose his vay.' 'Den come here,' he say, '<i>bon + enfant</i>, can you leave your post for 'aff an hour?' 'Leave my post?' I + say. 'Yais,' said he, 'I know your army has not moche provision lately, + and maybe you are ongrie?' '<i>Ma foi</i>, yais,' said I; 'I aff naut + slips to my eyes, nor meat to my stomach, for more dan fife days.' 'Veil, + <i>bon enfant</i>,' he say, 'come vis me, and I vill gif you good supper, + goot vine, and goot velcome.' 'Coot I leave my post?' I say. He say, '<i>Bah! + Caporal</i> take care till you come back.' By gar, I coot naut resist—<i>he</i> + vos so <i>vairy</i> moche gentilman and <i>I</i> vos so ongrie—I go + vis him—not fife hunder yarts—<i>ah! bon Dieu</i>—how + nice! In de corner of a leetel ruin chapel dere is nice bit of fire, and + hang on a string before it de half of a kid—<i>oh ciel!</i> de smell + of de <i>ros-bif</i> was so nice—I rub my hands to de fire—I + sniff de <i>cuisine</i>—I see in anozer corner a couple bottles of + wine—<i>sacré</i>! it vos all watair in my mouts! Ve sit down to + suppair—I nevair did ate so moche in my life. Ve did finish de + bones, and vosh down all mid ver good wine—<i>excellent!</i> Ve + drink de toast—<i>à la gloire</i>—and we talk of de campaign. + Ve drink <i>à la Patrie</i>, and den <i>I</i> tink of <i>la belle France</i> + and <i>ma douce amie</i>—and <i>he</i> fissel, 'Got safe de king.' + Ve den drink <i>à l'amitié</i>, and shek hands over dat fire in good + frainship—dem two hands that might cross de swords in de morning. + Yais, sair, dat was fine—'t was <i>galliard</i>—'t was <i>la + vrai chivalrie</i>—two sojair ennemi to share de same kid, drink de + same wine, and talk like two friends. Vell, I got den so sleepy, dat my + eyes go blink, blink, and my goot friend says to me, 'Sleep, old fellow; I + know you aff got hard fare of late, and you are tired; sleep, all is quiet + for to-night, and I will call you before dawn.' Sair, I vos <i>so</i> + tired, I forgot my duty, and fall down fast asleep. Veil, sair, in de + night de pickets of de two armie get so close, and mix up, dat some shot + gets fired, and in one moment all in confusion. I am shake by de shoulder—I + wake like from dream—I heard sharp <i>fusillade</i>—my friend + cry, 'Fly to your post, it is attack!' We exchange one shek of de hand, + and I run off to my post. <i>Oh, ciel!</i>—it is driven in—I + see dem fly. <i>Oh, mon désespoir à ce moment-là !</i> I am ruin—<i>déshonoré</i>—I + rush to de front—I rally <i>mes braves</i>—ve stand!—ve + advance!!—ve regain de post!!!—I am safe!!!! De <i>fusillade</i> + cease—it is only an affair of outposts. I tink I am safe—I + tink I am very fine fellow—but Monsieur <i>l'Aide-Major</i> send for + me and speak, 'Vere vos you last night, sair?' 'I mount guard by de mill.' + 'Are you sure?' '<i>Oui, monsieur.</i>' 'Vere vos you when your post vos + attack?' I saw it vos no use to deny any longair, so I confess to him + everyting. 'Sair,' said he, 'you rally your men very good, <i>or you + should be shot!</i> Young man, remember,' said he—I will never + forget his vorts—'young man, <i>vine is goot—slip is goot—goat + is goot—but honners is betters!'”</i> + </p> + <p> + “A capital story, Randal,” cried Dick; “but how much of it did you + invent?” + </p> + <p> + “'Pon my life, it is as near the original as possible.” + </p> + <p> + “Besides, that is not a fair way of using a story,” said the doctor. “You + should take a story as you get it, and not play the dissector upon it, + mangling its poor body to discover the bit of embellishment; and as long + as a <i>raconteur</i> maintains <i>vraisemblance</i>, I contend you are + bound to receive the whole as true.” + </p> + <p> + “A most author-like creed, doctor,” said Dick; “you are a story-teller + yourself, and enter upon the defence of your craft with great spirit.” + </p> + <p> + “And justice, too,” said the Squire; “the doctor is quite right.” + </p> + <p> + “Don't suppose I can't see the little touches of the artist,” said the + doctor; “but so long as they are in keeping with the picture, I enjoy + them; for instance, my friend Randal's touch of the Englishman '<i>fissling + Got safe de King''</i> is very happy—quite in character.” + </p> + <p> + “Well, good or bad, the story in substance is true,” said Randal, “and + puts the Englishman in a fine point of view—a generous fellow, + sharing his supper with his enemy whose sword may be through his body in + the next morning's 'affair.'” + </p> + <p> + “But the Frenchman was generous to him first,” remarked the Squire. + </p> + <p> + “Certainly—I admit it,” said Randal. “In short, they were both fine + fellows.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, sir,” said Father Phil, “the French are not deficient in a chivalrous + spirit. I heard once a very pretty little bit of anecdote about the way + they behaved to one of our regiments on a retreat in Spain.” + </p> + <p> + “<i>Your</i> regiments!” said Moriarty, who was rather fond of hitting + hard at a priest when he could; “a regiment of friars is it?” + </p> + <p> + “No, captain, but of soldiers; and it's going through a river they were, + and the French, taking advantage of their helpless condition, were + peppering away at them hard and fast.” + </p> + <p> + “Very generous indeed!” said Moriarty, laughing. + </p> + <p> + “Let me finish my story, captain, before you quiz it. I say they were + peppering them sorely while they were crossing the river, until some women—the + followers of the camp—ran down (poor creatures) to the shore, and + the stream was so deep in the middle they could scarcely ford it; so some + dragoons who were galloping as hard as they could out of the fire pulled + up on seeing the condition of the women-kind, and each horseman took up a + woman behind him, though it diminished his own power of speeding from the + danger. The moment the French saw this act of manly courtesy, they ceased + firing, gave the dragoons a cheer, and as long as the women were within + gunshot, not a trigger was pulled in the French line, but volleys of + cheers instead of ball-cartridge was sent after the brigade till all the + women were over. Now wasn't that generous?” + </p> + <p> + “'T was a handsome thing!” was the universal remark. + </p> + <p> + “And 'faith I can tell you, Captain Moriarty, the army took advantage of + it; for there was a great struggle to have the pleasure of the ladies' + company over the river.” + </p> + <p> + “I dare say, Father Phil,” said the Squire, laughing. + </p> + <p> + “Throth, Squire,” said the <i>padre</i>, “fond of the girls as the + soldiers have the reputation of being, they never liked them better than + that same day.” + </p> + <p> + “Yes, yes,” said Moriarty, a little piqued, for he rather affected the + “dare-devil.” + </p> + <p> + “I see you mean to insinuate that we soldiers fear fire.” + </p> + <p> + “I did not say 'fear,' captain—but they'd like to get out of it, for + all that, and small blame to them—aren't they flesh and blood like + ourselves?” + </p> + <p> + “Not a bit like you,” said Moriarty. “You sleek and smooth gentlemen who + live in luxurious peace know little of a soldier's danger or feelings.” + </p> + <p> + “Captain, we all have our dangers to go through; and may be a priest has + as many as a soldier; and we only show a difference of taste, after all, + in the selection.” + </p> + <p> + “Well, Father Blake, all I know is, that a true soldier fears nothing!” + said Moriarty with energy. + </p> + <p> + “Maybe so,” answered Father Phil, quietly. “It is quite clear, however,” + said Murphy, “that war, with all its horrors, can call out occasionally + the finer feelings of our natures; but it is only such redeeming traits as + those we have heard which can reconcile us to it. I remember having heard + an incident of war, myself, which affected me much,” said Murphy, who + caught the infection of military anecdote which circled the table; and + indeed there is no more catching theme can be started among men, for it + may be remarked that whenever it is broached it flows on until it is + rather more than time to go to the ladies. + </p> + <p> + “It was in the earlier portion of the memorable day of Waterloo,” said + Murphy, “that a young officer of the Guards received a wound which brought + him to the ground. His companions rushed on to seize some point which + their desperate valour was called on to carry, and he was left, utterly + unable to rise, for the wound was in his foot. He lay for some hours with + the thunder of that terrible day ringing around him, and many a rush of + horse and foot had passed close beside him. Towards the close of the day + he saw one of the Black Brunswick dragoons approaching, who drew rein as + his eye caught the young Guardsman, pale and almost fainting, on the + ground. He alighted, and finding he was not mortally wounded, assisted him + to rise, lifted him into his saddle, and helped to support him there while + he walked beside him to the English rear. The Brunswicker was an old man; + his brow and moustache were grey; despair was in his sunken eye, and from + time to time he looked up with an expression of the deepest yearning into + the face of the young soldier, who saw big tears rolling down the + veteran's cheek while he gazed upon him. 'You seem in bitter sorrow, my + kind friend,' said the stripling. 'No wonder,' answered the old man, with + a hollow groan. 'I and my three boys were in the same regiment—they + were alive the morning of Ligny—I am childless to-day. But I have + revenged them!' he said fiercely, and as he spoke he held out his sword, + which was literally red with blood. 'But, oh! that will not bring me back + my boys!' he exclaimed, relapsing into his sorrow. 'My three gallant + boys!'—and again he wept bitterly, till clearing his eyes from the + tears, and looking up in the young soldier's handsome face, he said + tenderly, 'You are like my youngest one, and I could not let you lie on + the field.'” + </p> + <p> + Even the rollicking Murphy's eyes were moist as he recited this anecdote; + and as for Father Phil, he was quite melted, ejaculating in an under tone, + “Oh, my poor fellow! my poor fellow!” + </p> + <p> + “So there,” said Murphy, “is an example of a man, with revenge in his + heart, and his right arm tired with slaughter, suddenly melted into + gentleness by a resemblance to his child.” + </p> + <p> + “'T is very touching, but very sad,” said the Squire. + </p> + <p> + “My dear sir,” said the doctor, with his peculiar dryness, “sadness is the + principal fruit which warfare must ever produce. You may talk of glory as + long as you like, but you cannot have your laurel without your cypress, + and though you may select certain bits of sentiment out of a mass of + horrors, if you allow me, I will give you one little story which shan't + keep you long, and will serve as a commentary upon war and glory in + general. + </p> + <p> + “At the peace of 1803, I happened to be travelling through a town in + France where a certain count I knew resided. I waited upon him, and he + received me most cordially, and invited me to dinner. I made the excuse + that I was only <i>en route</i>, and supplied with but traveling costume, + and therefore not fit to present myself amongst the guests of such a house + as his. He assured me I should only meet his own family, and pledged + himself for Madame la Comtesse being willing to waive the ceremony of a <i>grande + toilette</i>. I went to the house at the appointed hour, and as I passed + through the hall I cast a glance at the dining-room and saw a very long + table laid. On arriving at the reception-room, I taxed the count with + having broken faith with me, and was about making my excuses to the + countess when she assured me the count had dealt honestly by me, for that + I was the only guest to join the family party. Well, we sat down to + dinner, three-and-twenty persons; myself, the count and countess, and + their <i>twenty children!</i> and a more lovely family I never saw; he a + man in the vigour of life, she a still attractive woman, and these their + offspring lining the table, where the happy eyes of father and mother + glanced with pride and affection from one side to the other on these + future staffs of their old age. Well, the peace of Amiens was of short + duration, and I saw no more of the count till Napoleon's abdication. Then + I visited France again, and saw my old friend. But it was a sad sight, + sir, in that same house, where, little more than ten years before, I had + seen the bloom and beauty of twenty children, to sit down with <i>three</i>—all + he had left him. His sons had fallen in battle—his daughters had + died widowed, leaving but orphans. And thus it was all over France. While + the public voice shouted 'Glory!' wailing was in her homes. Her temple of + victory was filled with trophies, but her hearths were made desolate.” + </p> + <p> + “Still, sir, a true soldier fears nothing,” repeated Moriarty. + </p> + <p> + “<i>Baithershin,</i>” said Father Phil. “'Faith I have been in places of + danger you'd be glad to get out of, I can tell you, as bould as you are, + captain.” + </p> + <p> + “You'll pardon me for doubting you, Father Blake,” said Moriarty, rather + huffed. + </p> + <p> + “'Faith then you wouldn't like to be where I was before I came here; that + is, in a mud cabin, where I was giving the last rites to six people dying + in the typhus fever.” + </p> + <p> + “Typhus!” exclaimed Moriarty, growing pale, and instinctively withdrawing + his chair as far as he could from the <i>padre</i> beside whom he sat. + </p> + <p> + “Ay, typhus, sir; most inveterate typhus.” + </p> + <p> + “Gracious Heaven!” said Moriarty, rising, “how can you do such a dreadful + thing as run the risk of bearing infection into society?” + </p> + <p> + “I thought soldiers were not afraid of anything,” said Father Phil, + laughing at him; and the rest of the party joined in the merriment. + </p> + <p> + “Fairly hit, Moriarty,” said Dick. + </p> + <p> + “Nonsense,” said Moriarty; “when I spoke of danger, I meant such open + danger as—in short, not such insidious lurking abomination as + infection; for I contend that—” + </p> + <p> + “Say no more, Randal,” said Growling, “you're done!—Father Phil has + floored you.” + </p> + <p> + “I deny it,” said Moriarty, warmly; but the more he denied it, the more + every one laughed at him. + </p> + <p> + “You're more frightened than hurt, Moriarty,” said the Squire; “for the + best of the joke is, Father Phil wasn't in contact with typhus at all, but + was riding with me—and 'tis but a joke.” + </p> + <p> + Here they all roared at Moriarty, who was excessively angry, but felt + himself in such a ridiculous position that he could not quarrel with + anybody. + </p> + <p> + “Pardon me, my dear captain,” said the Father; “I only wanted to show you + that a poor priest has to run the risk of his life just as much as the + boldest soldier of them all. But don't you think, Squire, 't is time to + join the ladies? I'm sure the tay will be tired waiting for us.” + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0012" id="link2HCH0012"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXXIII + </h2> + <p> + Mrs. Egan was engaged in some needlework, and Fanny turning over the + leaves of a music-book, and occasionally humming some bars of her + favourite songs, as the gentlemen came into the drawing-room. Fanny rose + from the pianoforte as they entered. + </p> + <p> + “Oh, Miss Dawson,” exclaimed Moriarty, “why tantalise us so much as to let + us see you seated in that place where you can render so much delight, only + to leave it as we enter?” + </p> + <p> + Fanny turned off the captain's flourishing speech with a few lively words + and a smile, and took her seat at the tea-table to do the honours. “The + captain,” said Father Phil to the doctor, “is equally great in love or + war.” + </p> + <p> + “And knows about as little of one as the other,” said the doctor. “His + attacks are too open.” + </p> + <p> + “And therefore easily foiled,” said Father Phil; “How that pretty + creature, with the turn of a word and a curl of her lip, upset him that + time! Oh! what a powerful thing a woman's smile is, doctor? I often + congratulate myself that my calling puts all such mundane follies and + attractions out of my way, when I see and know what fools wise men are + sometimes made by silly girls. Oh, it is fearful, doctor; though, of + course, part of the mysterious dispensation of an all-wise Providence.” + </p> + <p> + “That fools should have the mastery, is it?” inquired the doctor, drily, + with a mischievous query in his eye as well. “Tut, tut, tut, doctor,” + replied Father Phil, impatiently; “you know well enough what I mean, and I + won't allow you to engage me in one of your ingenious battles of words. I + speak of that wonderful influence of the weaker sex over the stronger, and + how the word of a rosy lip outweighs sometimes the resolves of a furrowed + brow; and how the—pooh! pooh! I'm making a fool of myself talking to + you—but to make a long story short, I would rather <i>wrastle</i> + out a logical dispute any day, or a tough argument of one of the fathers, + than refute some absurdity which fell from a pretty mouth with a smile on + it.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, I quite agree with you,” said the doctor, grinning, “that the fathers + are not half such dangerous customers as the daughters.” + </p> + <p> + “Ah, go along with you, doctor!” said Father Phil, with a good-humoured + laugh. “I see you are in one of your mischievous moods, and so I'll have + nothing more to say to you.” + </p> + <p> + The Father turned away to join the Squire, while the doctor took a seat + near Fanny Dawson and enjoyed a quiet little bit of conversation with her, + while Moriarty was turning over the leaves of her album; but the brow of + the captain, who affected a taste in poetry, became knit, and his lip + assumed a contemptuous curl, as he perused some lines, and asked Fanny + whose was the composition. + </p> + <p> + “I forget,” was Fanny's answer. + </p> + <p> + “I don't wonder,” said Moriarty; “the author is not worth remembering, for + they are very rough.” + </p> + <p> + Fanny did not seem pleased with the criticism, and said that, when sung to + the measure of the air written down on the opposite page, they were very + flowing. + </p> + <p> + “But the principal phrase, the <i>'refrain''</i> I may say, is so vulgar,” + added Moriarty, returning to the charge. “The gentleman says, 'What would + you do?' and the lady answers, 'That's what I'd do.' Do you call that + poetry?” + </p> + <p> + “I don't call <i>that</i> poetry,” said Fanny, with some emphasis on the + word; “but if you connect those two phrases with what is intermediately + written, and read all in the spirit of the entire of the verses, I think + there is poetry in them—but if not poetry, certainly feeling.” + </p> + <p> + “Can you tolerate '<i>That's what I'd do'?</i>—the pert answer of a + housemaid.” + </p> + <p> + “A phrase in itself homely,” answered Fanny, “may become elevated by the + use to which it is applied.” + </p> + <p> + “Quite true, Miss Dawson,” said the doctor, joining in the discussion. + “But what are these lines which excite Randal's ire?” + </p> + <p> + “Here they are,” said Moriarty. “I will read them, if you allow me, and + then judge between Miss Dawson and me. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 'What will you do, love, when I am going, + With white sail flowing, + The seas beyond? + What will you do, love, when—'” + </pre> + <p> + “Stop thief!—stop thief!” cried the doctor. “Why, you are robbing + the poet of his reputation as fast as you can. You don't attend to the + rhythm of those lines—you don't give the ringing of the verse.” + </p> + <p> + “That's just what I have said in other words,” said Fanny. “When sung to + the melody, they are smooth.” + </p> + <p> + “But a good reader, Miss Dawson,” said the doctor, “will read verse with + the proper accent, just as a musician would divide it into bars; but my + friend Randal there, although he can tell a good story and hit off prose + very well, has no more notion of rhythm or poetry than new beer has of a + holiday.” + </p> + <p> + “And why, pray, has not new beer a notion of a holiday?” + </p> + <p> + “Because, sir, it works of a Sunday.” + </p> + <p> + “Your <i>beer</i> may be new, doctor, but your <i>joke</i> is not—I + have seen it before in some old form.” + </p> + <p> + “Well, sir, if I found it in its old form, like a hare, and started it + fresh, it may do for folks to run after as well as anything else. But you + shan't escape your misdemeanour in mauling those verses as you have done, + by finding fault with my joke <i>redevivus.</i> You read those lines, sir, + like a bellman, without any attention to metre.” + </p> + <p> + “To be sure,” said Father Phil, who had been listening for some time; + “they have a ring in them—” + </p> + <p> + “Like a pig's nose,” said the doctor. + </p> + <p> + “Ah, be aisy,” said Father Phil. “I say they have a ring in them like an + owld Latin canticle— + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 'What <i>will</i> you <i>do,</i> love, when I am <i>go</i>-ing, + With white sail <i>flow</i>-ing, + The says be<i>yond?</i>' +</pre> + <p> + That's it!” + </p> + <p> + “To be sure,” said the doctor. “I vote for the Father's reading them out + on the spot.” + </p> + <p> + “Pray, do, Mister Blake,” said Fanny. + </p> + <p> + “Ah, Miss Dawson, what have I to do with reading love verses?” + </p> + <p> + “Take the book, sir,” said Growling, “and show me you have some faith in + your own sayings, by obeying a lady directly.” + </p> + <p> + “Pooh! pooh!” said the priest. + </p> + <p> + “You <i>won't</i> refuse me?” said Fanny, in a coaxing tone. + </p> + <p> + “My dear Miss Dawson,” said the <i>padre.</i> + </p> + <p> + “<i>Father Phil!</i>” said Fanny, with one of her rosy smiles. + </p> + <p> + “Oh, wow! wow! wow!” ejaculated the priest, in an amusing embarrassment, + “I see you will make me do whatever you like.” So Father Phil gave the + rare example of a man acting up to his own theory, and could not resist + the demand that came from a pretty mouth. He took the book and read the + lines with much feeling, but, with an observance of rhythm so grotesque, + that it must be given in his own manner. + </p> + <h3> + WHAT WILL YOU DO, LOVE? + </h3> + <h3> + I + </h3> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + “What <i>will</i> you <i>do</i>, love, when I am <i>go</i>-ing, + With white sail <i>flow</i>-ing, + The seas be-<i>yond?</i> + What <i>will</i> you <i>do</i>, love, when waves di-<i>vide</i> us, + And friends may chide us, + For being <i>fond</i>?” + + “Though waves di-<i>vide</i> us, and friends be <i>chi</i>-ding, + In faith a-<i>bi</i>-ding, + I'll still be true; + And I'll pray for <i>thee</i> on the stormy <i>o</i>-cean, + In deep de-<i>vo</i>-tion,— + That's <i>what</i> I'll do!” + </pre> + <h3> + II + </h3> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + “What <i>would</i> you <i>do</i>, love, if distant <i>ti</i>-dings + Thy fond con-<i>fi</i>-dings + Should under-<i>mine</i> + And I a-<i>bi</i>-ding 'neath sultry <i>skies</i>, + Should think other <i>eyes</i> + Were as bright as <i>thine</i>?” + + “Oh, name it <i>not</i>; though guilt and <i>shame</i> + Were on thy <i>name</i>, + I'd still be <i>true</i>; + But that heart of <i>thine</i>, should another <i>share</i> it, + I could not <i>bear it</i>;— + What <i>would</i> I do?” + </pre> + <h3> + III + </h3> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + “What <i>would</i> you do, when, home re-<i>turn</i>-ing, + With hopes high <i>burn</i>-ing, + With wealth for <i>you</i>,— + If my <i>bark</i>, that <i>bound</i>-ed o'er foreign <i>foam</i>, + Should be lost near <i>home</i>,— + Ah, what <i>would</i> you do?” + + “So them wert <i>spar</i>-d, I'd bless the <i>mor</i>-row, + In want and <i>sor</i>-row, + That left me <i>you</i>; + And I'd welcome <i>thee</i> from the wasting <i>bil</i>-low, + My heart thy <i>pil</i>-low!— + THAT'S <i>what</i> I'd do!” + </pre> + <p> + [Footnote: NOTE TO THE THIRD EDITION.—The foregoing dialogue and + Moriarty's captious remarks were meant, when, they appeared in the first + edition, as a hit at a certain small critic—a would-be song-writer—who + does ill-natured articles for the Reviews, and expressed himself very + contemptuously of my songs because of their simplicity; or, as he was + pleased to phrase it, “I had a knack of putting common things together.” + The song was written to illustrate my belief that the most common-place + expression, <i>appropriately applied</i>, may successfully serve the + purposes of the lyric; and here experience has proved me right, for this + very song of “What will you do?” (containing within it the other + common-place, “That's what I'd do”) has been received with special favour + by the public, whose long-continued goodwill towards my compositions + generally I gratefully acknowledge.] + </p> + <p> + “Well done, <i>padre!</i>” said the doctor; “with good emphasis and + discretion.” + </p> + <p> + “And now, my dear Miss Dawson,” said Father Phil, “since I've read the + lines at your high bidding, will you sing them for me at my humble + asking?” + </p> + <p> + “Very antithetically put, indeed,” said Fanny; “but you must excuse me.” + </p> + <p> + “You said there was a tune to it?” + </p> + <p> + “Yes; but I promised Captain Moriarty to sing him <i>this</i>,” said + Fanny, going over to the pianoforte, and laying her hand on an open + music-book. + </p> + <p> + “Thanks, Miss Dawson,” said Moriarty, following fast. + </p> + <p> + Now, it was not that Fanny Dawson liked the captain that she was going to + sing the song; but she thought he had been rather “<i>mobbed</i>” by the + doctor and the <i>padre</i> about the reading of the verses, and it was + her good breeding which made her pay this little attention to the worsted + party. She poured forth her sweet voice in a simple melody to the + following words:— + </p> + <h3> + SAY NOT MY HEART IS COLD + </h3> + <h3> + I + </h3> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + “Say not my heart is cold, + Because of a silent tongue! + The lute of faultless mould + In silence oft hath hung. + The fountain soonest spent + Doth babble down the steep; + But the stream that <i>ever</i> went + Is silent, strong, and deep. +</pre> + <h3> + II + </h3> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + “The charm of a secret life + Is given to choicest things:— + Of flowers, the fragrance rife + Is wafted on viewless wings; + We see not the charmed air + Bearing some witching sound; + And ocean deep is where + The pearl of price is found. +</pre> + <h3> + III + </h3> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + “Where are the stars by day? + They burn, though all unseen! + And love of purest ray + Is like the stars, I ween: + Unmark'd is the gentle light + When the sunshine of joy appears, + But ever, in sorrow's night, + 'T will glitter upon thy tears!” + </pre> + <p> + “Well, Randal, does that poem satisfy your critical taste?—of the + singing there can be but one opinion.” + </p> + <p> + “Yes, I think it pretty,” said Moriarty; “but there is one word in the + last verse I object to.” + </p> + <p> + “Which is that?” inquired Growling. + </p> + <p> + “<i>Ween</i>” said the other, “'the stars, I ween,' I object to.” + </p> + <p> + “Don't you see the meaning of that?” inquired the doctor. “I think it is a + very happy allusion.” + </p> + <p> + “I don't see any allusion whatever,” said the critic. + </p> + <p> + “Don't you see the poet alluded to the stars in the <i>milky</i> way, and + says, therefore, 'The stars I <i>wean</i>'?” + </p> + <p> + “Bah! bah! doctor,” exclaimed the critical captain; “you are in one of + your quizzing moods to-night, and it is in vain to expect a serious answer + from you.” He turned on his heel as he spoke, and went away. + </p> + <p> + “Moriarty, you know, Miss Dawson, is a man who affects a horror of puns, + and therefore I always punish him with as many as I can,” said the doctor, + who was left by Moriarty's sudden pique to the enjoyment of a pleasant + chat with Fanny, and he was sorry when the hour arrived which disturbed it + by the breaking up of the party and the departure of the guests. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0013" id="link2HCH0013"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXXIV + </h2> + <p> + When the Widow Rooney was forcibly ejected from the house of Mrs. James + Casey, and found that Andy was not the possessor of that lady's charms, + she posted off to Neck-or-Nothing Hall, to hear the full and true account + of the transaction from Andy himself. On arriving at the old iron gate, + and pulling the loud bell, she was spoken to through the bars by the + savage old janitor and told to “go out o' that.” Mrs. Rooney thought fate + was using her hard in decreeing she was to receive denial at every door, + and endeavoured to obtain a parley with the gate-keeper, to which he + seemed no way inclined. + </p> + <p> + “My name's Rooney, sir?” + </p> + <p> + “There's plenty bad o' the name,” was the civil rejoinder. + </p> + <p> + “And my son's in Squire O'Grady's sarvice, sir.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh—you're the mother of the beauty we call Handy, eh?” + </p> + <p> + “Yis, sir.” + </p> + <p> + “Well, he left the sarvice yistherday.” + </p> + <p> + “Is it lost the place?” + </p> + <p> + “Yis.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh dear! Ah, sir, let me up to the house and spake to his honour, and + maybe he'll take back the boy.” + </p> + <p> + “He doesn't want any more servants at all—for he's dead.” + </p> + <p> + “Is it Squire O'Grady dead?” + </p> + <p> + “Aye—did you never hear of a dead squire before?” + </p> + <p> + “What did he die of, sir?” + </p> + <p> + “Find out,” said the sulky brute, walking back into his den. + </p> + <p> + It was true—the renowned O'Grady was no more. The fever which had + set in from his “broiled bones,” which he <i>would</i> have in spite of + anybody, was found difficult of abatement; and the impossibility of + keeping him quiet, and his fits of passion, and consequent fresh supplies + of “broiled bones,” rendered the malady unmanageable; and the very day + after Andy had left the house the fever took a bad turn, and in + four-and-twenty hours the stormy O'Grady was at peace. + </p> + <p> + What a sudden change fell upon the house! All the wedding paraphernalia + which had been brought down lay neglected in the rooms where it had been + the object of the preceding day's admiration. The deep, absorbing, silent + grief of the wife,—the more audible sorrow of the girls,—the + subdued wildness of the reckless boys, as they trod silently past the + chamber where they no longer might dread reproof for their noise,—all + this was less touching than the effect the event had upon the old dowager + mother. While the senses of others were stunned by the blow, hers became + awakened by the shock; all her absurd aberration passed away, and she sat + in intellectual self-possession by the side of her son's death-bed, which + she never left until he was laid in his coffin. He was the first and last + of her sons. She had now none but grandchildren to look upon—the + intermediate generation had passed away, and the gap yawned fearfully + before her. It restored her, for the time, perfectly to her senses; and + she gave the necessary directions on the melancholy occasion, and + superintended all the sad ceremonials befitting the time, with a calm and + dignified resignation which impressed all around her with wonder and + respect. + </p> + <p> + Superadded to the dismay which the death of the head of a family produces + was the terrible fear which existed that O'Grady's body would be seized + for debt—a barbarous practice, which, shame to say, is still + permitted. This fear made great precaution necessary to prevent persons + approaching the house, and accounts for the extra gruffness of the gate + porter. The wild body-guard of the wild chief was on doubly active duty; + and after four-and-twenty hours had passed over the reckless boys, the + interest they took in sharing and directing this watch and ward seemed to + outweigh all sorrowful consideration for the death of their father. As for + Gustavus, the consciousness of being now the master of Neck-or-Nothing + Hall was apparent in a boy not yet fifteen; and not only in himself, but + in the grey-headed retainers about him, this might be seen: there was a + shade more of deference—the boy was merged in “<i>the young master</i>.” + But we must leave the house of mourning for the present, and follow the + Widow Rooney, who, as she tramped her way homeward, was increasing in + hideousness of visage every hour. Her nose was twice its usual dimensions, + and one eye was perfectly useless in showing her the road. At last, + however, as evening was closing, she reached her cabin, and there was + Andy, arrived before her, and telling Oonah, his cousin, all his + misadventures of the preceding day. + </p> + <p> + The history was stopped for a while by their mutual explanations and + condolences with Mrs. Rooney, on the “cruel way her poor face was used.” + </p> + <p> + “And who done it all?” said Oonah. + </p> + <p> + “Who but that born divil, Matty Dwyer—and sure they towld me <i>you</i> + were married to her,” said she to Andy. + </p> + <p> + “So I was,” said Andy, beginning the account of his misfortunes afresh to + his mother, who from time to time would break in with indiscriminate + maledictions on Andy, as well as his forsworn damsel; and when the account + was ended, she poured out a torrent of abuse upon her unfortunate forsaken + son, which riveted him to the floor in utter amazement. + </p> + <p> + “I thought I'd get pity here, at all events,” said poor Andy; “but instead + o' that it's the worst word and the hardest name in your jaw you have for + me.” + </p> + <p> + “And sarve you right, you dirty cur,” said his mother. “I ran off like a + fool when I heerd of your good fortune, and see the condition that baggage + left me in—my teeth knocked in and my eye knocked out, and all for + your foolery, because you couldn't keep what you got.” + </p> + <p> + “Sure, mother, I tell you—” + </p> + <p> + “Howld your tongue, you <i>omadhaun!</i> And then I go to Squire O'Grady's + to look for you, and there I hear you lost <i>that</i> place, too.” + </p> + <p> + “Faix, it's little loss,” said Andy. + </p> + <p> + “That's all you know about it, you goose; you lose the place just when the + man's dead and you'd have had a shuit o' mournin'. Oh, you are the most + misfortunate divil, Andy Rooney, this day in Ireland—why did I rear + you at all?” + </p> + <p> + “Squire O'Grady dead!” said Andy, in surprise and also with regret for his + late master. + </p> + <p> + “Yis—and you've lost the mournin'—augh!” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, the poor Squire!” said Andy. + </p> + <p> + “The iligant new clothes!” grumbled Mrs. Rooney. “And then luck tumbles + into your way such as man never had; without a place, or a rap to bless + yourself with, you get a rich man's daughter for your wife, and you let + her slip through your fingers.” + </p> + <p> + “How could I help it?” said Andy. + </p> + <p> + “Augh!—you bothered the job just the way you do everything,” said + his mother. + </p> + <p> + “Sure I was civil-spoken to her.” + </p> + <p> + “Augh!” said his mother. + </p> + <p> + “And took no liberty.” + </p> + <p> + “You goose!” + </p> + <p> + “And called her Miss.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, indeed you missed it altogether.” + </p> + <p> + “And said I wasn't desarvin' of her.” + </p> + <p> + “That was thrue—<i>but you should not have towld her so</i>. Make a + woman think you're betther than her, and she'll like you.” + </p> + <p> + “And sure, when I endayvoured to make myself agreeable to her——” + </p> + <p> + “<i>Endayvoured</i>!” repeated the old woman contemptuously. “<i>Endayvoured</i>, + indeed! Why didn't you <i>make</i> yourself agreeable at once, you poor + dirty goose?—no, but you went sneaking about it—I know as well + as if I was looking at you—you went sneakin' and snivelin' until the + girl took a disgust to you; for there's nothing a woman despises so much + as shilly-shallying.” + </p> + <p> + “Sure, you won't hear my defince,” said Andy. + </p> + <p> + “Oh, indeed you're betther at defince than attack,” said his mother. + </p> + <p> + “Sure, the first little civil'ty I wanted to pay to her, she took up the + three-legged stool to me.” + </p> + <p> + “The divil mend you! And what civil'ty did you offer her?” + </p> + <p> + “I made a grab at her cap, and I thought she'd have brained me.” + </p> + <p> + Oonah set up such a shout of laughter at Andy's notion of civility to a + girl, that the conversation was stopped for some time, and her aunt + remonstrated with her at her want of common sense; or, as she said, hadn't + she “more decency than to laugh at the poor fool's nonsense?” + </p> + <p> + “What could I do agen the three-legged stool?” said Andy. + </p> + <p> + “Where was your <i>own</i> legs, and your own arms, and your own eyes, and + your own tongue?—eh?” + </p> + <p> + “And sure I tell you it was all ready conthrived, and James Casey was sent + for, and came.” + </p> + <p> + “Yis,” said the mother, “but not for a long time, you towld me yourself; + and what were you doing all that time? Sure, supposing you <i>wor</i> only + a new acquaintance, any man worth a day's mate would have discoorsed her + over in the time and made her sinsible he was the best of husbands.” + </p> + <p> + “I tell you she wouldn't let me have her ear at all,” said Andy. “Nor her + cap either,” said Oonah, laughing. + </p> + <p> + “And then Jim Casey kem.” + </p> + <p> + “And why did you let him in?” + </p> + <p> + “It was <i>she</i> let him in, I tell you.” + </p> + <p> + “And why did you let her? He was on the wrong side of the door—that's + the <i>outside</i>; and you on the right—that's the <i>inside</i>; + and it was <i>your</i> house, and she was <i>your</i> wife, and you were + her masther, and you had the rights of the church, and the rights of the + law, and all the rights on your side; barrin' right rayson—that you + never had; and sure without <i>that</i>, what's the use of all the other + rights in the world?” + </p> + <p> + “Sure, hadn't he his friends, <i>sthrong</i>, outside?” + </p> + <p> + “No matther, if the door wasn't opened to them, for <i>then</i> YOU would + have had a stronger friend than any o' them present among them.” + </p> + <p> + “Who?” inquired Andy. + </p> + <p> + “The <i>hangman</i>” answered his mother; “for breaking doors is hanging + matther; and I say the presence of the hangman's always before people when + they have such a job to do, and makes them think twice sometimes before + they smash once; and so you had only to keep one woman's hands quiet.” + </p> + <p> + “Faix, some of them would smash a door as soon as not,” said Andy. + </p> + <p> + “Well, then, you'd have the satisfaction of hanging them,” said the + mother, “and that would be some consolation. But even as it is, I'll have + law for it—I will—for the property is yours, any how, though + the girl is gone—and indeed a brazen baggage she is, and is mighty + heavy in the hand. Oh, my poor eye!—it's like a coal of fire—but + sure it was worth the risk living with her for the sake of the purty + property. And sure I was thinkin' what a pleasure it would be living with + you, and tachin' your wife housekeepin', and bringing up the young turkeys + and the childhre—but, och hone, you'll never do a bit o' good, you + that got sitch careful bringin' up, Andy Rooney! Didn't I tache you + manners, you dirty hanginbone blackguard? Didn't I tache you your blessed + religion?—may the divil sweep you! Did I ever prevent you from + sharing the lavings of the pratees with the pig?—and didn't you + often clane out the pot with him? and you're no good afther all. I've + turned my honest penny by the pig, but I'll never make my money of <i>you</i>, + Andy Rooney!” + </p> + <p> + There was some minutes' silence after this eloquent outbreak of Andy's + mother, which was broken at last by Andy uttering a long sigh and an + ejaculation. + </p> + <p> + “Och? it's a fine thing to be a gintleman,” said Andy. + </p> + <p> + “Cock you up!” said his mother. “Maybe it's a gintleman you want to be; + what puts that in your head, you <i>omadhaun</i>?” + </p> + <p> + “Why, because a gintleman has no hardships, compared with one of uz. Sure, + if a gintleman was married, his wife wouldn't be tuk off from him the way + mine was.” + </p> + <p> + “Not so soon, maybe,” said the mother, drily. + </p> + <p> + “And if a gintleman brakes a horse's heart, he's only a '<i>bowld rider</i>,' + while a poor sarvant is a 'careless blackguard' for only taking a sweat + out of him. If a gintleman dhrinks till he can't see a hole in a laddher, + he's only '<i>feesh</i>—but '<i>dhrunk</i>' is the word for a poor + man. And if a gintleman kicks up a row, he's a 'fine sperited fellow,' + while a poor man is a 'disordherly vagabone' for the same; and the Justice + axes the one to dinner and sends th' other to jail. Oh, faix, the law is a + dainty lady; she takes people by the hand who can afford to wear gloves, + but people with brown fists must keep their distance.” + </p> + <p> + “I often remark,” said his mother, “that fools spake mighty sinsible + betimes; but their wisdom all goes with their gab. Why didn't you take a + betther grip of your luck when you had it? You're wishing you wor a + gintleman, and yet when you had the best part of a gintleman (the + property, I mane) put into your way, you let it slip through your fingers; + and afther lettin' a fellow take a rich wife from you and turn you out of + your own house, you sit down on a stool there, and begin to <i>wish</i> + indeed!—you sneakin' fool—wish, indeed! Och! if you wish with + one hand, and wash with th' other, which will be clane first—eh?” + </p> + <p> + “What could I do agen eight?” asked Andy. + </p> + <p> + “Why did you let them in, I say again?” said the mother, quickly. + </p> + <p> + “Sure the blame wasn't with me,” said Andy, “but with—” + </p> + <p> + “Whisht, whisht, you goose!” said his mother. “Av course you'll blame + every one and everything but yourself—'<i>The losing horse blames + the saddle</i>.'” + </p> + <p> + “Well, maybe it's all for the best,” said Andy, “afther all.” + </p> + <p> + “Augh, howld your tongue!” + </p> + <p> + “And if it <i>wasn't</i> to be, how could it be?” + </p> + <p> + “Listen to him!” + </p> + <p> + “And Providence is over us all.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh! yis!” said the mother. “When fools make mistakes they lay the blame + on Providence. How have you the impidence to talk o' Providence in that + manner? <i>I'll</i> tell you where the Providence was. Providence sent you + to Jack Dwyer's, and kep Jim Casey away, and put the anger into owld + Jack's heart—that's what the Providence did!—and made the + opening for you to spake up, and gave you a wife—a wife with <i>property!</i> + Ah, there's where the Providence was!—and you were the masther of a + snug house—that was Providence! And wouldn't myself have been the + one to be helping you in the farm—rearing the powlts, milkin' the + cow, makin' the iligant butther, with lavings of butthermilk for the pigs—the + sow thriving, and the cocks and hens cheering your heart with their + cacklin'—the hank o' yarn on the wheel, and a hank of ingins up the + chimbley—oh! there's where the Providence would have been—that + <i>would have been Providence indeed!</i>—but never tell me that + Providence turned you out of the house; <i>that</i> was your own <i>goostherumfoodle.</i>” + </p> + <p> + “Can't he take the law o' them, aunt?” inquired Oonah. + </p> + <p> + “To be sure he can—and shall, too,” said the mother. “I'll be off to + 'torney Murphy to-morrow; I'll pursue her for my eye, and Andy for the + property, and I'll put them all in Chancery, the villains!” + </p> + <p> + “It's Newgate they ought to be put in,” said Andy. + </p> + <p> + “Tut, you fool, Chancery is worse than Newgate: for people sometimes get + out of Newgate, but they never get out of Chancery, I hear.” + </p> + <p> + As Mrs. Rooney spoke, the latch of the door was raised, and a miserably + clad woman entered, closed the door immediately after her, and placed the + bar against it. The action attracted the attention of all the inmates of + the house, for the doors of the peasantry are universally “left on the + latch,” and never secured against intrusion until the family go to bed. + </p> + <p> + “God save all here!” said the woman, as she approached the fire. + </p> + <p> + “Oh, is that you, ragged Nance?” said Mrs. Rooney; for that was the + unenviable but descriptive title the new-comer was known by: and though + she knew it for her <i>soubriquet</i>, yet she also knew Mrs. Rooney would + not call her by it if she were not in an ill temper, so she began humbly + to explain the cause of her visit, when Mrs. Rooney broke in gruffly— + </p> + <p> + “Oh, you always make out a good rayson for coming; but we have nothing for + you to-night.” + </p> + <p> + “Throth, you do me wrong,” said the beggar, “if you think I came <i>shooling.</i> + [Footnote: Going on chance here and there, to pick up what one can.] It's + only to keep harm from the innocent girl here.” + </p> + <p> + “Arrah, what harm would happen her, woman?” returned the widow, savagely, + rendered more morose by the humble bearing of her against whom she + directed her severity; as if she got more angry the less the poor creature + would give her cause to justify her harshness. “Isn't she undher my roof + here?” + </p> + <p> + “But how long may she be left there?” asked the woman, significantly. + </p> + <p> + “What do you mane, woman?” + </p> + <p> + “I mane there's a plan to carry her off from you to-night.” + </p> + <p> + Oonah grew pale with true terror, and the widow screeched, after the more + approved manner of elderly ladies making believe they are very much + shocked, till Nance reminded her that crying would do no good, and that it + was requisite to make some preparation against the approaching danger. + Various plans were hastily suggested, and as hastily relinquished, till + Nance advised a measure which was deemed the best. It was to dress Andy in + female attire and let him be carried off in place of the girl. Andy roared + with laughter at the notion of being made a girl of, and said the trick + would instantly be seen through. + </p> + <p> + “Not if you act your part well; just keep down the giggle, jewel, and put + on a moderate <i>phillelew,</i> and do the thing nice and steady, and + you'll be the saving of your cousin here.” + </p> + <p> + “<i>You</i> may deceive them with the dhress; and <i>I</i> may do a bit of + a small <i>shilloo,</i> like a <i>colleen</i> in disthress, and that's all + very well,” said Andy, “as far as seeing and hearing goes; but when they + come to grip me, sure they'll find out in a minute.” + </p> + <p> + “We'll stuff you out well with rags and sthraw, and they'll never know the + differ—besides, remember, the fellow that wants a girl never comes + for her himself, [Footnote: This is mostly the case.] but sends his + friends for her, and they won't know the differ—besides, they're all + dhrunk.” + </p> + <p> + “How do you know?” + </p> + <p> + “Because they're always dhrunk—that same crew; and if they're not + dhrunk to-night, it's the first time in their lives they ever were sober. + So make haste, now, and put off your coat, till we make a purty young + colleen out o' you.” + </p> + <p> + It occurred now to the widow that it was a service of great danger Andy + was called on to perform; and with all her abuse of “<i>omadhaun</i>” she + did not like the notion of putting him in the way of losing his life, + perhaps. + </p> + <p> + “They'll murdher the boy, maybe, when they find out the chate,” said the + widow. + </p> + <p> + “Not a bit,” said Nance. + </p> + <p> + “And suppose they did,” said Andy, “I'd rather die, sure, than the + disgrace should fall upon Oonah, there.” + </p> + <p> + “God bless you, Andy dear!” said Oonah. “Sure, you have the kind heart, + anyhow; but I wouldn't for the world hurt or harm should come to you on my + account.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, don't be afeard!” said Andy, cheerily; “divil a hair I value all they + can do; so dhress me up at once.” + </p> + <p> + After some more objections on the part of his mother, which Andy + overruled, the women all joined in making up Andy into as tempting an + imitation of feminality as they could contrive; but to bestow the + roundness of outline on the angular form of Andy was no easy matter, and + required more rags than the house afforded, so some straw was + indispensable, which the pig's bed only could supply. In the midst of + their fears, the women could not help laughing as they effected some + likeness to their own forms, with their stuffing and padding; but to carry + off the width of Andy's shoulders required a very ample and voluptuous + outline indeed, and Andy could not help wishing the straw was a little + sweeter which they were packing under his nose. At last, however, after + soaping down his straggling hair on his forehead, and tying a bonnet upon + his head to shade his face as much as possible, the disguise was + completed, and the next move was to put Oonah in a place of safety. + </p> + <p> + “Get upon the hurdle in the corner, under the thatch,” said Nance. + </p> + <p> + “Oh, I'd be afeard o' my life to stay in the house at all.” + </p> + <p> + “You'd be safe enough, I tell you,” said Nance; “for once they see that + fine young woman there,” pointing to Andy, and laughing, “they'll be + satisfied with the lob we've made for them.” + </p> + <p> + Oonah still expressed her fear of remaining in the cabin. + </p> + <p> + “Then hide in the pratee-trench, behind the house.” + </p> + <p> + “That's better,” said Oonah. + </p> + <p> + “And now I must be going,” said Nance; “for they must not see me when they + come.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, don't leave me, Nance dear,” cried Oonah, “for I'm sure I'll faint + with the fright when I hear them coming, if some one is not with me.” + </p> + <p> + Nance yielded to Oonah's fears and entreaties, and with many a blessing + and boundless thanks for the beggar-woman's kindness, Oonah led the way to + the little potato garden at the back of the house, and there the women + squatted themselves in one of the trenches and awaited the impending + event. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0005" id="linkimage-0005"></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:80%"> + <img src="images/abduction.jpg" alt="The Abduction" width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + It was not long in arriving. The tramp of approaching horses at a sharp + pace rang through the stillness of the night, and the women, crouching + flat beneath the overspreading branches of the potato tops, lay breathless + in the bottom of the trench, as the riders came up to the widow's cottage + and entered. There they found the widow and her pseudo niece sitting at + the fire; and three drunken vagabonds, for the fourth was holding the + horses outside, cut some fantastic capers round the cabin, and making a + mock obeisance to the widow, the spokesman addressed her with— + </p> + <p> + “Your sarvant, ma'am!” + </p> + <p> + “Who are yiz at all, gintleman, that comes to my place at this time o' + night, and what's your business?” + </p> + <p> + “We want the loan o' that young woman there, ma'am,” said the ruffian. + </p> + <p> + Andy and his mother both uttered small squalls. + </p> + <p> + “And as for who we are, ma'am, we're the blessed society of Saint Joseph, + ma'am—our coat of arms is two heads upon one pillow, and our motty, + 'Who's afraid?—Hurroo!'” shouted the savage, and he twirled his + stick and cut another caper. Then coming up to Andy, he addressed him as + “young woman,” and said there was a fine strapping fellow whose heart was + breaking till he “rowled her in his arms.” + </p> + <p> + Andy and the mother both acted their parts very well. He rushed to the + arms of the old woman for protection, and screeched small, while the widow + shouted “<i>millia murther!</i>” at the top of her voice, and did not give + up her hold of the make-believe young woman until her cap was torn half + off, and her hair streamed about her face. She called on all the saints in + the calendar, as she knelt in the middle of the floor and rocked to and + fro, with her clasped hands raised to heaven, calling down curses on the + “villains and robbers” that were tearing her child from her, while they + threatened to stop her breath altogether if she did not make less noise, + and in the midst of the uproar dragged off Andy, whose struggles and + despair might have excited the suspicion of soberer men. They lifted him + up on a stout horse, in front of the most powerful man of the party, who + gripped Andy hard round the middle and pushed his horse to a hand gallop, + followed by the rest of the party. The proximity of Andy to his <i>cavaliero</i> + made the latter sensible to the bad odour of the pig's bed, which formed + Andy's luxurious bust and bustle; but he attributed the unsavoury scent to + a bad breath on the lady's part, and would sometimes address his charge + thus:— + </p> + <p> + “Young woman, if you plaze, would you turn your face th' other way;” then + in a side soliloquy, “By Jaker, I wondher at Jack's taste—she's a + fine lump of a girl, but her breath is murther intirely—phew—young + woman, turn away your face, or by this and that I'll fall off the horse. + I've heerd of a bad breath that might knock a man down, but I never met it + till now. Oh, murther! it's worse it's growin'—I suppose 't is the + bumpin' she's gettin' that shakes the breath out of her sthrong—oh, + there it is again—phew!” + </p> + <p> + It was as well, perhaps, for the prosecution of the deceit, that the + distaste the fellow conceived for his charge prevented any closer + approaches to Andy's visage, which might have dispelled the illusion under + which he still pushed forward to the hills and bumped poor Andy towards + the termination of his ride. Keeping a sharp look-out as he went along, + Andy soon was able to perceive they were making for that wild part of the + hills where he had discovered the private still on the night of his + temporary fright and imaginary rencontre with the giants, and the + conversation he partly overheard all recurred to him, and he saw at once + that Oonah was the person alluded to, whose name he could not catch, a + circumstance that cost him many a conjecture in the interim. This gave him + a clue to the persons into whose power he was about to fall, after having + so far defeated their scheme, and he saw he should have to deal with very + desperate and lawless parties. Remembering, moreover, the herculean frame + of the inamorato, he calculated on an awful thrashing as the smallest + penalty he should have to pay for deceiving him, but was, nevertheless, + determined to go through the adventure with a good heart, to make deceit + serve his turn as long as he might, and at the last, if necessary, to make + the best fight he could. + </p> + <p> + As it happened, luck favoured Andy in his adventure, for the hero of the + blunderbuss (and he, it will be remembered, was the love-sick gentleman) + drank profusely on the night in question, quaffing deep potations to the + health of his Oonah, wishing luck to his friends and speed to their + horses, and every now and then ascending the ladder from the cave, and + looking out for the approach of the party. On one of these occasions, from + the unsteadiness of the ladder, or himself, or perhaps both, his foot + slipped, and he came to the ground with a heavy fall, in which his head + received so severe a blow that he became insensible, and it was some time + before his sister, who was an inhabitant of this den, could restore him to + consciousness. This she did, however, and the savage recovered all the + senses the whisky had left him; but still the stunning effect of the fall + cooled his courage considerably, and, as it were, “bothered” him so, that + he felt much less of the “gallant gay Lothario” than he had done before + the accident. + </p> + <p> + The tramp of horses was heard overhead ere long, and <i>Shan More</i>, or + Big John, as the Hercules was called, told Bridget to go up to “the + darlin',” and help her down. + </p> + <p> + “For that's a blackguard laddher,” said he; “it turned undher me like an + eel, bad luck to it!—tell her I'd go up myself, only the ground is + slipping from undher me—and the laddher—” + </p> + <p> + Bridget went off, leaving Jack growling forth anathemas against the ground + and the ladder, and returned speedily with the mock-lady and her attendant + squires. + </p> + <p> + “Oh, my jewel!” roared Jack, as he caught sight of his prize. He scrambled + up on his legs, and made a rush at Andy, who imitated a woman's scream and + fright at the expected embrace; but it was with much greater difficulty he + suppressed his laughter at the headlong fall with which Big Jack plunged + his head into a heap of turf, [Footnote: Peat] and hugged a sack of malt + which lay beside it. + </p> + <p> + Andy endeavoured to overcome the provocation to merriment by screeching; + and as Bridget caught the sound of this tendency towards laughter between + the screams, she thought it was the commencement of a fit of hysterics, + and it accounted all the better for Andy's extravagant antics. + </p> + <p> + “Oh, the craythur is frightened out of her life!” said Bridget. “Leave her + to me,” said she to the men. “There, jewel machree!” she continued to + Andy, soothingly, “don't take on you that way—don't be afeerd, + you're among friends—Jack is only dhrunk dhrinking your health, + darlin', but he adores you.” Andy screeched. + </p> + <p> + “But don't be afeerd, you'll be thrated tender, and he'll marry you, + darlin', like an honest woman!” + </p> + <p> + Andy squalled. + </p> + <p> + “But not to-night, jewel—don't be frightened.” + </p> + <p> + Andy gave a heavy sob at the respite. + </p> + <p> + “Boys, will you lift Jack out o' the turf, and carry him up into the air? + 't will be good for him, and this dacent girl will sleep with me + to-night.” + </p> + <p> + Andy couldn't resist a laugh at this, and Bridget feared the girl was + going off into hysterics again. + </p> + <p> + “Aisy, dear—aisy—sure you'll be safe with me.” + </p> + <p> + “Ow! ow! ow!” shouted Andy. + </p> + <p> + “Oh, murther!” cried Bridget, “the sterricks will be the death of her! You + blackguards, you frightened her coming up here, I'm sure.” + </p> + <p> + The men swore they behaved in the genteelest manner. “Well, take away + Jack, and the girl shall have share of my bed for this night.” + </p> + <p> + Andy shook internally with laughter. + </p> + <p> + “Dear, dear, how she thrimbles!” cried Bridget, “Don't be so frightful, <i>lanna + machree</i>—there, now—they're taking Jack away, and you're + alone with myself and will have a nice sleep.” + </p> + <p> + The men all the time were removing <i>Shan More</i> to upper air; and the + last sounds they heard as they left the cave were the coaxing tones of + Bridget's voice, inviting Andy, in the softest words, to go to bed. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0014" id="link2HCH0014"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXXV + </h2> + <p> + The workshops of Neck-or-Nothing Hall rang with the sounds of occupation + for two days after the demise of its former master. The hoarse grating + sound of the saw, the whistling of the plane, and the stroke of the mallet + denoted the presence of the carpenter; and the sharper clink of a hammer + told of old Fogy, the family “milliner,” being at work; but it was not on + millinery Fogy was now employed, though neither was it legitimate tinker's + work. He was scrolling out with his shears, and beating into form, a plate + of tin, to serve for the shield on O'Grady's coffin, which was to record + his name, age, and day of departure; and this was the second plate on + which the old man worked, for one was already finished in the corner. Why + are there two coffin-plates? Enter the carpenter's shop, and you will see + the answer in two coffins the carpenter has nearly completed. But why two + coffins for one death? Listen, reader, to a bit of Irish strategy. + </p> + <p> + It has been stated that an apprehension was entertained of a seizure of + the inanimate body of O'Grady for the debts it had contracted in life, and + the harpy nature of the money-lender from whom this movement was dreaded + warranted the fear. Had O'Grady been popular, such a measure on the part + of a cruel creditor might have been defied, as the surrounding peasantry + would have risen <i>en masse</i> to prevent it; but the hostile position + in which he had placed himself towards the people alienated the natural + affection they are born with for their chiefs, and any partial defence the + few fierce retainers whom individual interest had attached to him could + have made might have been insufficient; therefore, to save his father's + remains from the pollution (as the son considered) of a bailiff's touch, + Gustavus determined to achieve by stratagem what he could not accomplish + by force, and had two coffins constructed, the one to be filled with + stones and straw, and sent out by the front entrance with all the + demonstration of a real funeral, and be given up to the attack it was + feared would be made upon it while the other, put to its legitimate use, + should be placed on a raft, and floated down the river to an ancient + burial-ground which lay some miles below on the opposite bank. A facility + for this was afforded by a branch of the river running up into the domain, + as it will be remembered; and the scene of the bearish freaks played upon + Furlong was to witness a trick of a more serious nature. + </p> + <p> + While all these preparations were going forward, the “waking” was kept up + in all the barbarous style of old times; eating and drinking in profusion + went on in the house, and the kitchen of the hall rang with joviality. The + feats of sports and arms of the man who had passed away were lauded, and + his comparative achievements with those of his progenitors gave rise to + many a stirring anecdote; and bursts of barbarous exultation, or more + barbarous merriment, rang in the house of death. There was no lack of + whisky to fire the brains of these revellers, for the standard of the + measurement of family grandeur was, too often, a liquid one in Ireland, + even so recently as the time we speak of; and the dozens of wine wasted + during the life it helped to shorten, and the posthumous gallons consumed + in toasting to the memory of the departed, were among the cherished + remembrances of hereditary honour. “There were two hogsheads of whisky + drank at my father's wake!” was but a moderate boast of a true Irish + squire, fifty years ago. + </p> + <p> + And now the last night of the wake approached, and the retainers thronged + to honour the obsequies of their departed chief with an increased + enthusiasm, which rose in proportion as the whisky got low; and songs in + praise of their present occupation—that is, getting drunk—rang + merrily round, and the sports of the field and the sorrows and joys of + love resounded; in short, the ruling passions of life figured in rhyme and + music in honour of this occasion of death—and as death is the maker + of widows, a very animated discussion on the subject of widowhood arose, + which afforded great scope for the rustic wits, and was crowned by the + song of “Widow Machree” being universally called for by the company; and a + fine-looking fellow with a merry eye and large white teeth, which he amply + displayed by a wide mouth, poured forth in cheery tones a pretty lively + air which suited well the humorous spirit of the words:— + </p> + <h3> + WIDOW MACHREE + </h3> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + “Widow <i>machree</i>, it's no wonder you frown, + Och hone! widow machree: + 'Faith, it ruins your looks, that same dirty black gown, + Och hone! widow machree. + How altered your hair, + With that close cap you wear— + 'Tis destroying your hair + Which should be flowing free: + Be no longer a churl + Of its black silken curl, + Och hone! widow machree. + + “Widow machree, now the summer is come, + Och hone! widow machree; + When everything smiles, should a beauty look glum! + Och hone! widow machree. + See the birds go in pairs, + And the rabbits and hares— + Why even the bears + Now in couples agree; + And the mute little fish, + Though they can't spake, they wish, + Och hone! widow machree. + + “Widow machree, and when winter comes in, + Och hone! widow machree, + To be poking the fire all alone is a sin, + Och hone! widow machree, + Sure the shovel and tongs + To each other belongs, + And the kittle sings songs + Full of family glee, + While alone with your cup, + Like a hermit <i>you</i> sup— + Och hone! widow machree. + + “And how do you know, with the comforts I've towld, + Och hone! widow machree, + But you're keeping some poor fellow out in the cowld, + Och hone! widow machree. + With such sins on your head, + Sure your peace would be fled, + Could you sleep in your bed, + Without thinking to see + Some ghost or some sprite, + That would wake you each night, + Crying, 'Och hone! widow machree.' + + “Then take my advice, darling widow machree, + Och hone! widow machree, + And with my advice, 'faith I wish you'd take me, + Och hone! widow machree. + You'd have me to desire + Then to sit by the fire; + And sure hope is no liar + In whispering to me + That the ghosts would depart, + When you'd me near your heart, + Och hone! widow machree.” + </pre> + <p> + The singer was honoured with a round of applause, and his challenge for + another lay was readily answered, and mirth and music filled the night and + ushered in the dawn of the day which was to witness the melancholy sight + of the master of an ample mansion being made the tenant of the “narrow + house.” + </p> + <p> + In the evening of that day, however, the wail rose loud and long; the + mirth which “the waking” permits had passed away, and the <i>ulican</i>, + or funeral cry, told that the lifeless chief was being borne from his + hall. That wild cry was heard even by the party who were waiting to make + their horrid seizure, and for <i>that</i> party the stone-laden coffin was + sent with a retinue of mourners through the old iron gate of the principal + entrance, while the mortal remains were borne by a smaller party to the + river inlet and placed on the raft. Half an hour had witnessed a sham + fight on the part of O'Grady's people with the bailiffs and their + followers, who made the seizure they intended, and locked up their prize + in an old barn to which it had been conveyed, until some engagement on the + part of the heir should liberate it; while the aforesaid heir, as soon as + the shadows of evening had shrouded the river in obscurity, conveyed the + remains, which the myrmidons of the law fancied they possessed, to its + quiet and lonely resting-place. The raft was taken in tow by a boat + carrying two of the boys, and pulled by four lusty retainers of the + departed chief, while Gustavus himself stood on the raft, astride over the + coffin, and with an eel-spear, which had afforded him many a day's sport, + performed the melancholy task of guiding it. It was a strangely painful + yet beautiful sight to behold the graceful figure of the fine boy engaged + in this last sad duty; with dexterous energy he plied his spear, now on + this side and now on that, directing the course of the raft, or clearing + it from the flaggers which interrupted its passage through the narrow + inlet. This duty he had to attend to for some time, even after leaving the + little inlet; for the river was much overgrown with flaggers at this + point, and the increasing darkness made the task more difficult. + </p> + <p> + In the midst of all this action not one word was spoken, even the sturdy + boatmen were mute, and the fall of the oar in the rowlock, the plash of + the water, and the crushing sound of the yielding rushes as the “watery + bier” made its way through them were the only sounds which broke the + silence. Still Gustavus betrayed no emotion; but by the time they reached + the open stream, and that his personal exertion was no longer required, a + change came over him. It was night,—the measured beat of the oars + sounded like a knell to him—there was darkness above him and death + below, and he sank down upon the coffin, and plunging his face + passionately between his hands, he wept bitterly. Sad were the thoughts + that oppressed the brain and wrung the heart of the high-spirited boy. He + felt that his dead father was <i>escaping</i>, as it were, to the grave,—that + even death did not terminate the consequences of an ill-spent life. He + felt like a thief in the night, even in the execution of his own + stratagem, and the bitter thoughts of that sad and solemn time wrought a + potent spell over after-years; that one hour of misery and disgrace + influenced the entire of a future life. + </p> + <p> + On a small hill overhanging the river was the ruin of an ancient early + temple of Christianity, and to its surrounding burial-ground a few of the + retainers had been despatched to prepare a grave. They were engaged in + this task by the light of a torch made of bog-pine, when the flicker of + the flame attracted the eye of a horseman who was riding slowly along the + neighbouring road. Wondering what could be the cause of light in such a + place, he leaped the adjoining fence and rode up to the grave-yard. + </p> + <p> + “What are you doing here?” he said to the labourers. They paused and + looked up, and the flash of the torch fell upon the features of Edward + O'Connor. “We're finishing your work,” said one of the men with malicious + earnestness. + </p> + <p> + “My work?” repeated Edward. + </p> + <p> + “Yes,” returned the man, more sternly than before—“this is the grave + of O'Grady.” + </p> + <p> + The words went like an ice-bolt through Edward's heart, and even by the + torchlight the tormentor could see his victim grew livid. + </p> + <p> + The fellow who wounded so deeply one so generally beloved as Edward + O'Connor was a thorough ruffian. His answer to Edward's query sprang not + from love of O'Grady, nor abhorrence of taking human life, but from the + opportunity of retort which the occasion offered upon one who had once + checked him in an act of brutality. + </p> + <p> + Yet Edward O'Connor could not reply—it was a home thrust. The death + of O'Grady had weighed heavily upon him; for though O'Grady's wound had + been given in honourable combat, provoked by his own fury, and not + producing immediate death; though that death had supervened upon the + subsequent intractability of the patient; yet the fact that O'Grady had + never been “up and doing” since the duel tended to give the impression + that his wound was the remote if not the immediate cause of his death, and + this circumstance weighed heavily on Edward's spirits. His friends told + him he felt over keenly upon the subject, and that no one but himself + could entertain a question of <i>his</i> total innocence of O'Grady's + death; but when from the lips of a common peasant he got the answer he + did, and <i>that</i> beside the grave of his adversary, it will not be + wondered at that he reeled in his saddle. A cold shivering sickness came + over him, and to avoid falling he alighted and leaned for support against + his horse, which stooped, when freed from the restraint of the rein, to + browse on the rank verdure; and for a moment Edward envied the + unconsciousness of the animal against which he leaned. He pressed his + forehead against the saddle, and from the depth of a bleeding heart came + up an agonised exclamation. + </p> + <p> + A gentle hand was laid on his shoulder as he spoke, and, turning round, he + beheld Mr. Bermingham. + </p> + <p> + “What brings you here?” said the clergyman. + </p> + <p> + “Accident,” answered Edward. “But why should I say accident?—it is + by a higher authority and a better—it is the will of Heaven. It is + meant as a bitter lesson to human pride: we make for ourselves laws of <i>honour</i>, + and forget the laws of God!” + </p> + <p> + “Be calm, my young friend,” said the worthy pastor; “I cannot wonder you + feel deeply—but command yourself.” He pressed Edward's hand as he + spoke and left him, for he knew that an agony so keen is not benefited by + companionship. + </p> + <p> + Mr. Bermingham was there by appointment to perform the burial service, and + he had not left Edward's side many minutes when a long wild whistle from + the waters announced the arrival of the boat and raft, and the retainers + ran down to the river, leaving the pine-torch stuck in the upturned earth, + waving its warm blaze over the cold grave. During the interval which + ensued between the departure of the men and their reappearance, bearing + the body to its last resting-place, Mr. Bermingham spoke with Edward + O'Connor, and soothed him into a more tranquil bearing. When the coffin + came within view he advanced to meet it, and began the sublime + burial-service, which he repeated most impressively. When it was over, the + men commenced filling up the grave. As the clods fell upon the coffin, + they smote the hearts of the dead man's children; yet the boys stood upon + the verge of the grave as long as a vestige of the tenement of their lost + father could be seen; but as soon as the coffin was hidden, they withdrew + from the brink, and the younger boys, each taking hold of the hand of the + eldest, seemed to imply the need of mutual dependence:—as if death + had drawn closer the bond of brotherhood. + </p> + <p> + There was no sincerer mourner at that place than Edward O'Connor, who + stood aloof, in respect for the feelings of the children of the departed + man, till the grave was quite filled up, and all were about to leave the + spot; but then his feelings overmastered him, and, impelled by a torrent + of contending emotions, he rushed forward, and throwing himself on his + knees before Gustavus, he held up his hands imploringly, and sobbed forth, + “Forgive me!” + </p> + <p> + The astonished boy drew back. + </p> + <p> + “Oh, forgive me!” repeated Edward—“I could not help it—it was + forced on me—it was—” + </p> + <p> + As he struggled for utterance, even the rough retainers were touched, and + one of them exclaimed, “Oh, Mr. O'Connor, it was a fair fight!” + </p> + <p> + “There!” exclaimed Edward—“you hear it! Oh, give me your hand in + forgiveness!” + </p> + <p> + “I forgive you,” said the boy, “but do not ask me to give you my hand + to-night.” + </p> + <p> + “You are right” said Edward, springing to his feet—“you are right—you + are a noble fellow; and now, remember my parting words, Gustavus:—Here, + by the side of your father's grave, I pledge you my soul that through life + and till death, in all extremity, Edward O'Connor is your sworn and trusty + friend.” + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0015" id="link2HCH0015"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXXVI + </h2> + <p> + While the foregoing scene of sadness took place in the lone churchyard, + unholy watch was kept over the second coffin by the myrmidons of the law. + The usurer who made the seizure had brought down from Dublin three of the + most determined bailiffs from amongst the tribe, and to their care was + committed the keeping of the supposed body in the old barn. Associated + with these worthies were a couple of ill-conditioned country blackguards, + who, for the sake of a bottle of whisky, would keep company with Old Nick + himself, and who expected, moreover, to hear “a power o' news” from the + “gentlemen” from Dublin, who, in their turn did not object to have their + guard strengthened, as their notions of a rescue in the country parts of + Ireland were anything but agreeable. The night was cold, so, clearing away + from one end of the barn the sheaves of corn with which it was stored, + they made a turf fire, stretched themselves on a good shake-down of straw + before the cheering blaze, and circulated among them the whisky, of which + they had a good store. A tap at the door announced a new-comer; but the + Dublin bailiffs, fearing a surprise, hesitated to open to the knock until + their country allies assured them it was a friend whose voice they + recognised. The door was opened, and in walked Larry Hogan, to pick up his + share of what was going, whatever it might be, saying— + </p> + <p> + “I thought you wor for keeping me out altogether.” + </p> + <p> + “The gintlemin from Dublin was afeard of what they call a riskya” + (rescue), said the peasant, “till I told them 't was a friend.” + </p> + <p> + “Divil a riskya will come near you to-night,” said Larry, “you may make + your minds aisy about that, for the people doesn't care enough about <i>his</i> + bones to get their own broke in savin' him, and no wondher. It's a + lantherumswash bully he always was, quiet as he is now. And there you are, + my bold squire,” said he, apostrophising the coffin which had been thrown + on a heap of sheaves. “Faix, it's a good kitchen you kep', anyhow, + whenever you had it to spind; and indeed when you <i>hadn't</i> you spint + it all the same, for the divil a much you cared how you got it; but death + has made you pay the reckoning at last—that thing that + filly-officers call the debt o' nature must be paid, whatever else you may + owe.” + </p> + <p> + “Why, it's as good as a sarmon to hear you,” said one of the bailiffs. “O + Larry, sir, discourses iligant,” said a peasant. + </p> + <p> + “Tut, tut, tut,” said Larry, with affected modesty: “it's not what <i>I</i> + say, but I can tell you a thing that Docthor Growlin' put out on him more + nor a year ago, which was mighty 'cute. Scholars calls it an 'epithet of + dissipation,' which means getting a man's tombstone ready for him before + he dies; and divil a more cutting thing was ever cut on a tombstone than + the doctor's rhyme; this is it— + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 'Here lies O'Grady, that cantankerous creature, + Who paid, as all must pay, the debt of nature; + But, keeping to his general maxim still, + Paid it—like other debts—against his will.'” + </pre> + <p> + [Footnote: These bitter lines on a “bad pay” were written by a Dublin + medical wit of high repute, of whom Dr. Growling is a prototype.] + </p> + <p> + “What do <i>you</i> think o' that, Goggins?” inquired one bailiff from the + other; “you're a judge o' po'thry.” + </p> + <p> + “It's <i>sevare,”</i> answered Goggins, authoritatively, “but <i>coorse,</i> + I wish you'd brile the rashers; I begin to feel the calls o' nature, as + the poet says.” + </p> + <p> + This Mister Goggins was a character in his way. He had the greatest + longing to be thought a poet, put execrable couplets together sometimes, + and always talked as fine as he could; and his mixture of sentimentality, + with a large stock of blackguardism, produced a strange jumble. + </p> + <p> + “The people here thought it nate, sir,” said Larry. + </p> + <p> + “Oh, very well for the country!” said Goggins; “but 't wouldn't do for + town.” + </p> + <p> + “Misther Coggings knows best,” said the bailiff who first spoke, “for he's + a pote himself, and writes in the newspapers.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, indeed!” said Larry. + </p> + <p> + “Yes,” said Goggins, “sometimes I throw off little things for the + newspapers. There's a friend of mine you see, a gentleman connected with + the press, who is often in defficulties, and I give him a hint to keep out + o' the way when he's in trouble, and he swears I've a genus for the muses, + and encourages me—” + </p> + <p> + “Humph!” says Larry. + </p> + <p> + “And puts my things in the paper, when he gets the editor's back turned, + for the editor is a consaited chap that likes no one's po'thry but his + own; but never mind—if I ever get a writ against that chap, <i>won't</i> + I sarve it!” + </p> + <p> + “And I dar say some day you will have it agen him, sir,” said Larry. + </p> + <p> + “Sure of it, a'most,” said Goggins; “them litherary men is always in + defficulties.” + </p> + <p> + “I wondher you'd be like them, then, and write at all,” said Larry. + </p> + <p> + “Oh, as for me, it's only by way of amusement; attached as I am to the + legal profession, my time wouldn't permit; but I have been infected by the + company I kept. The living images that creeps over a man sometimes is + irresistible, and you have no pace till you get them out o' your head.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, indeed, they are very throublesome,” says Larry, “and are the + litherary gintlemen, sir, as you call them, mostly that way?” + </p> + <p> + “To be sure; it is <i>that</i> which makes a litherary man: his head is + full—teems with creation, sir.” + </p> + <p> + “Dear, dear!” said Larry. + </p> + <p> + “And when once the itch of litherature comes over a man, nothing can cure + it but the scratching of a pen.” + </p> + <p> + “But if you have not a pen, I suppose you must scratch any other way you + can.” + </p> + <p> + “To be sure,” said Goggins, “I have seen a litherary gentleman in a + sponging-house do crack things on the wall with a bit of burnt stick, + rather than be idle—they must execute.” + </p> + <p> + “Ha!” says Larry. + </p> + <p> + “Sometimes, in all their poverty and difficulty, I envy the 'fatal + fatality,' as the poet says, of such men in catching ideas.” + </p> + <p> + “That's the genteel name for it,” says Larry. + </p> + <p> + “Oh!” exclaimed Goggins, enthusiastically, “I know the satisfaction of + catching a man, but it's nothing at all compared to catching an idea. For + the man, you see, can give hail and get off, but the idea is your own for + ever. And then a rhyme—when it has puzzled you all day, the pleasure + you have in <i>nabbing</i> it at last!” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, it's po'thry you're spakin' about,” said Larry. + </p> + <p> + “To be sure,” said Goggins; “do you think I'd throw away my time on prose? + You're burning that bacon, Tim,” said he to his <i>sub</i>. + </p> + <p> + “Poethry, agen the world!” continued he to Larry, “the Castilian sthraime + for me!—Hand us that whisky”—he put the bottle to his mouth + and took a swig—“That's good—you do a bit of private here, I + suspect,” said he, with a wink, pointing to the bottle. + </p> + <p> + Larry returned a significant grin, but said nothing. Oh, don't be afraid + o' me—I would n't'peach—” + </p> + <p> + “Sure it's agen the law, and you're a gintleman o' the law,” said Larry. + </p> + <p> + “That's no rule,” said Goggins: “the Lord Chief Justice always goes to + bed, they say, with six tumblers o' potteen under his belt; and dhrink it + myself.” + </p> + <p> + “Arrah, how do you get it?” said Larry. + </p> + <p> + “From a gentleman, a friend o' mine, in the Custom-house.” + </p> + <p> + “A-dad, that's quare,” said Larry, laughing. + </p> + <p> + “Oh, we see queer things, I tell you,” said Goggins, “we gentlemen of the + law.” + </p> + <p> + “To be sure you must,” returned Larry; “and mighty improvin' it must be. + Did you ever catch a thief, sir?” + </p> + <p> + “My good man, you mistake my profession,” said Goggins, proudly; “we never + have anything to do in the <i>criminal</i> line, that's much beneath <i>us</i>.” + </p> + <p> + “I ax your pardon, sir.” + </p> + <p> + “No offence—no offence.” + </p> + <p> + “But it must be mighty improvin', I think, ketching of thieves, and + finding out their thricks and hidin'-places, and the like?” + </p> + <p> + “Yes, yes,” said Goggins, “good fun; though I don't do it, I know all + about it, and could tell queer things too.” + </p> + <p> + “Arrah, maybe you would, sir?” said Larry. + </p> + <p> + “Maybe I will, after we nibble some rashers—will you take share?” + </p> + <p> + “Musha, long life to you,” said Larry, always willing to get whatever he + could. A repast was now made, more resembling a feast of savages round + their war-fire than any civilised meal; slices of bacon broiled in the + fire, and eggs roasted in the turf-ashes. The viands were not + objectionable; but the cooking! Oh!—there was neither gridiron nor + frying-pan, fork nor spoon; a couple of clasp-knives served the whole + party. Nevertheless, they satisfied their hunger and then sent the bottle + on its exhilarating round. Soon after that, many a story of burglary, + robbery, swindling, petty larceny, and every conceivable crime, was + related for the amusement of the circle; and the plots and counterplots of + thieves and thief-takers raised the wonder of the peasants. Larry Hogan + was especially delighted; more particularly when some trick of either + villany or cunning came out. + </p> + <p> + “Now women are troublesome cattle to deal with mostly,” said Goggins. + “They are remarkably 'cute first, and then they are spiteful after; and + for circumventin' <i>either</i> way are sharp hands. You see they do it + quieter than men; a man will make a noise about it, but a woman does it + all on the sly. There was Bill Morgan—and a sharp fellow he was, too—and + he had set his heart on some silver spoons he used to see down in a + kitchen windy, but the servant-maid, somehow or other, suspected there was + designs about the place, and was on the watch. Well, one night, when she + was all alone, she heard a noise outside the windy, so she kept as quiet + as a mouse. By-and-by the sash was attempted to be riz from the outside, + so she laid hold of a kittle of boiling wather and stood hid behind the + shutter. The windy was now riz a little, and a hand and arm thrust in to + throw up the sash altogether, when the girl poured the boiling wather down + the sleeve of Bill's coat. Bill roared with the pain, when the girl said + to him, laughing, through the windy, 'I <i>thought</i> you came for + something.'” + </p> + <p> + “That was a 'cute girl,” said Larry, chuckling. + </p> + <p> + “Well, now, that's an instance of a woman's cleverness in preventing. I'll + teach you one of her determination to discover and prosecute to + conviction; and in this case, what makes it curious is, that Jack Tate had + done the bowldest thing, and run the greatest risks, 'the eminent deadly,' + as the poet says, when he was done up at last by a feather-bed.” + </p> + <p> + “A feather-bed,” repeated Larry, wondering how a feather-bed could + influence the fate of a bold burglar, while Goggins mistook his + exclamation of surprise to signify the paltriness of the prize, and + therefore chimed in with him. + </p> + <p> + “Quite true—no wonder you wonder—quite below a man of his + pluck; but the fact was, a sweetheart of his was longing for a + feather-bed, and Jack determined to get it. Well, he marched into a house, + the door of which he found open, and went up-stairs, and took the best + feather-bed in the house, tied it up in the best quilt, crammed some caps + and ribbons he saw lying about into the bundle, and marched down-stairs + again; but you see, in carrying off even the small thing of a feather-bed, + Jack showed the skill of a high practitioner, for he descendhered the + stairs backwards.” + </p> + <p> + “Backwards!” said Larry, “what was that for?” + </p> + <p> + “You'll see by-and-by,” said Goggins; “he descendhered backwards when + suddenly he heard a door opening, and a faymale voice exclaim, 'Where are + you going with that bed?' + </p> + <p> + “'I am going up-stairs with it, ma'am,' says Jack, whose backward position + favoured his lie, and he began to walk up again. + </p> + <p> + “'Come down here,' said the lady, 'we want no beds here, man.' + </p> + <p> + “'Mr. Sullivan, ma'am, sent me home with it himself,' said Jack, still + mounting the stairs. + </p> + <p> + “'Come down, I tell you,' said the lady, in a great rage. 'There's no Mr. + Sullivan lives here—go out of this with your bed, you stupid + fellow.' + </p> + <p> + “'I beg your pardon, ma'am,' says Jack, turning round, and marching off + with the bed fair and aisy. Well, there was a regular shilloo in the house + when the thing was found out, and cart-ropes wouldn't howld the lady for + the rage she was in at being diddled; so she offered rewards, and the + dickens knows all; and what do you think at last discovered our poor + Jack?” + </p> + <p> + “The sweetheart, maybe,” said Larry, grinning in ecstasy at the thought of + human perfidy. + </p> + <p> + “No,” said Goggins, “honour even among sweethearts, though they do the + trick sometimes, I confess; but no woman of any honour would betray a + great man like Jack. No—'t was one of the paltry ribbons that + brought conviction home to him; the woman never lost sight of hunting up + evidence about her feather-bed, and, in the end, a ribbon out of one of + her caps settled the hash of Jack Tate.” + </p> + <p> + From robbings they went on to tell of murders, and at last that + uncomfortable sensation which people experience after a feast of horrors + began to pervade the party; and whenever they looked round, <i>there</i> + was the coffin in the background. + </p> + <p> + “Throw some turf on the fire,” said Goggins, “'t is burning low; and + change the subject; the tragic muse has reigned sufficiently long—enough + of the dagger and the bowl—sink the socks and put on the buckskins. + Leather away, Jim—sing us a song.” + </p> + <p> + “What is it to be?” asked Jim. + </p> + <p> + “Oh—that last song of the Solicitor-General's,” said Goggins, with + an air as if the Solicitor-General were his particular friend. + </p> + <p> + “About the robbery?” inquired Jim. + </p> + <p> + “To be sure,” returned Goggins. + </p> + <p> + “Dear me,” said Larry, “and would so grate a man as the Solicithor-General + demane himself by writin' about robbers?” + </p> + <p> + “Oh!” said Goggins, “those in the heavy profession of the law must have + their little private moments of rollickzation; and then high men, you see, + like to do a bit of low by way of variety. 'The Night before Larry was + stretched' was done by a bishop, they say; and 'Lord Altamont's Bull' by + the Lord Chief Justice; and the Solicitor-General is as up to fun as any + bishop of them all. Come, Jim, tip us the stave!” + </p> + <p> + Jim cleared his throat and obeyed his chief. + </p> + <h3> + THE QUAKER'S MEETING + </h3> + <h3> + I + </h3> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + “A traveller wended the wilds among, + With a purse of gold and a silver tongue; + His hat it was broad, and all drab were his clothes, + For he hated high colours—except on his nose, + And he met with a lady, the story goes. + Heigho! <i>yea</i> thee and <i>nay</i> thee. +</pre> + <h3> + II + </h3> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + “The damsel she cast him a merry blink, + And the traveller nothing was loth, I think; + Her merry black eye beamed her bonnet beneath, + And the quaker, he grinned, for he'd very good teeth, + And he asked, 'Art thee going to ride on the heath?' + Heigho! <i>yea</i> thee and <i>nay</i> thee. +</pre> + <p> + [Footnote: The inferior class of quakers make THEE serve not only its own + grammatical use, but also do the duty of THY and THINE.] + </p> + <h3> + III + </h3> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + “'I hope you'll protect me, kind sir,' said the maid, + 'As to ride this heath over I'm sadly afraid; + For robbers, they say, here in numbers abound, + And I wouldn't “for anything” I should be found, + For, between you and me, I have five hundred pound.' + Heigho! <i>yea</i> thee and <i>nay</i> thee. +</pre> + <h3> + IV + </h3> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + “'If that is thee own, dear,' the quaker he said, + 'I ne'er saw a maiden I sooner would wed; + And I have another five hundred just now, + In the padding that's under my saddle-bow, + And I'll settle it all upon thee, I vow!' + Heigho! <i>yea</i> thee and <i>nay</i> thee. +</pre> + <h3> + V + </h3> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + “The maiden she smiled, and her rein she drew, + 'Your offer I'll take, though I'll not take you;' + A pistol she held at the quaker's head— + 'Now give me your gold, or I'll give you my lead, + 'Tis under the saddle I think you said.' + Heigho! <i>yea</i> thee and <i>nay</i> thee. +</pre> + <h3> + VI + </h3> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + “The damsel she ripp'd up the saddle-bow, + And the quaker was never a quaker till now; + And he saw by the fair one he wish'd for a bride + His purse borne away with a swaggering stride, + And the eye that looked tender now only defied. + Heigho! <i>yea</i> thee and <i>nay</i> thee. +</pre> + <h3> + VII + </h3> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + “'The spirit doth move me, friend Broadbrim,' quoth she, + 'To take all this filthy temptation from thee; + For Mammon deceiveth, and beauty is fleeting: + Accept from thy <i>maai-d'n</i> a right loving greeting, + For much doth she profit by this quaker's meeting. + Heigho! <i>yea</i> thee and <i>nay</i> thee. +</pre> + <h3> + VIII + </h3> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + “'And hark! jolly quaker, so rosy and sly, + Have righteousness more than a wench in thine eye, + Don't go again peeping girls' bonnets beneath, + Remember the one that you met on the heath, + <i>Her</i> name's <i>Jimmy</i> Barlow—I tell to your teeth!' + Heigho! <i>yea</i> thee and <i>nay</i> thee. +</pre> + <h3> + IX + </h3> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + “'<i>Friend</i> James,' quoth the quaker, 'pray listen to me, + For thou canst confer a great favour, d' ye see; + The gold thou hast taken is not mine, my friend, + But my master's—and on thee I depend + To make it appear I my trust did defend. + Heigho! <i>yea</i> thee and <i>nay</i> thee. +</pre> + <h3> + X + </h3> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + “'So fire a few shots through my clothes, here and there, + To make it appear 't was a desp'rate affair.' + So Jim he popped first through the skirt of his coat, + And then through his collar quite close to his throat. + 'Now once through my broad-brim,' quoth Ephraim, 'I vote. + Heigho! <i>yea</i> thee and <i>nay</i> thee. +</pre> + <h3> + XI + </h3> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + “'I have but a brace,' said bold Jim, 'and they 're spent, + And I won't load again for a make-believe rent.' + 'Then,' said Ephraim—producing his pistols—'just give + My five hundred pounds back—or, as sure as you live, + I'll make of your body a riddle or sieve.' + Heigho! <i>yea</i> thee and <i>nay</i> thee. +</pre> + <h3> + XII + </h3> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + “Jim Barlow was diddled, and though he was game, + He saw Ephraim's pistol so deadly in aim, + That he gave up the gold, and he took to his scrapers; + And when the whole story got into the papers, + They said that '<i>the thieves were no match for the quakers</i>.' + Heigho! <i>yea</i> thee and <i>nay</i> thee.” + </pre> + <p> + “Well, it's a quare thing you should be singin' a song here,” said Larry + Hogan, “about Jim Barlow, and it's not over half a mile out of this very + place he was hanged.” + </p> + <p> + “Indeed!” exclaimed all the men at once, looking with great interest at + Larry. + </p> + <p> + “It's truth I'm telling you. He made a very bowld robbery up by the long + hill there, on <i>two</i> gintlemen, for he was mighty stout.” + </p> + <p> + “Pluck to the back-bone,” said Goggins. + </p> + <p> + “Well, he tuk the purses aff both o' them; and just as he was goin' on + afther doin' the same, what should appear on the road before him, but two + other travellers coming up forninst him. With that the men that was robbed + cried out, 'Stop thief!' and so Jim, seein' himself hemmed in betune the + four o' them, faced his horse to the ditch and took across the counthry; + but the thravellers was well mounted as well as himself, and powdhered + afther him like mad. Well, it was equal to a steeple chase a'most; and + Jim, seein' he could not shake them off, thought the best thing he could + do was to cut out some troublesome work for them; so he led off where he + knew there was the divil's own leap to take, and he intended to 'pound + [Footnote: Impound] them there, and be off in the mane time; but as ill + luck would have it, his own horse, that was as bowld as himself, and would + jump at the moon if he was faced to it, missed his foot in takin' off, and + fell short o' the leap and slipped his shouldher, and Jim himself had a + bad fall of it too, and, av coorse, it was all over wid him—and up + came the four gintlemen. Well, Jim had his pistols yet, and he pulled them + out, and swore he'd shoot the first man that attempted to take him; but + the gintlemen had pistols as well as he, and were so hot on the chase they + determined to have him, and closed on him. Jim fired and killed one o' + them; but he got a ball in the shouldher himself, from another, and he was + taken. Jim sthruv to shoot himself with his second pistol, but it missed + fire. 'The curse o' the road is on me,' said Jim; 'my pistol missed fire, + and my horse slipped his shouldher, and now I'll be scragged,' says he, + 'but it's not for nothing—I've killed one o' ye,' says he.” + </p> + <p> + “He was all pluck,” said Goggins. + </p> + <p> + “Desperate bowld,” said Larry. “Well, he was thried and condimned <i>av + coorse</i>, and was hanged, as I tell you, half a mile out o' this very + place, where we are sittin', and his appearance walks, they say, ever + since.” + </p> + <p> + “You don't say so!” said Goggins. + </p> + <p> + “'Faith, it's thrue!” answered Larry. + </p> + <p> + “You never saw it,” said Goggins. + </p> + <p> + “The Lord forbid!” returned Larry; “but it's thrue, for all that. For you + see the big house near this barn, that is all in ruin, was desarted + because Jim's ghost used to walk.” + </p> + <p> + “That was foolish,” said Goggins; “stir up the fire, Jim, and hand me the + whisky.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, if it was only walkin', they might have got over that; but at last + one night, as the story goes, when there was a thremendious storm o' wind + and rain—” + </p> + <p> + “Whisht!” said one of the peasants, “what's that?” + </p> + <p> + As they listened, they heard the beating of heavy rain against the door, + and the wind howled through its chinks. + </p> + <p> + “Well,” said Goggins, “what are you stopping for?” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, I'm not stoppin',” said Larry; “I was sayin' that it was a bad wild + night, and Jimmy Barlow's appearance came into the house and asked them + for a glass o' sper'ts, and that he'd be obleeged to them if they'd help + him with his horse that slipped his shouldher; and, 'faith, afther <i>that</i>, + they'd stay in the place no longer; and signs on it, the house is gone to + rack and ruin, and it's only this barn that is kept up at all, because + it's convaynient for owld Skinflint on the farm.” + </p> + <p> + “That's all nonsense,” said Goggins, who wished, nevertheless, that he had + not heard the “nonsense.” + </p> + <p> + “Come, sing another song, Jim.” + </p> + <p> + Jim said he did not remember one. + </p> + <p> + “Then you sing, Ralph.” + </p> + <p> + Ralph said every one knew he never did more than join a chorus. + </p> + <p> + “Then join me in a chorus,” said Goggins, “for I'll sing, if Jim's + afraid.” + </p> + <p> + “I'm not afraid,” said Jim. + </p> + <p> + “Then why won't you sing?” + </p> + <p> + “Because I don't like.” + </p> + <p> + “Ah!” exclaimed Goggins. + </p> + <p> + “Well, maybe you're afraid yourself,” said Jim, “if you towld thruth.” + “Just to show you how little I'm afeard,” said Goggins, with a swaggering + air, “I'll sing another song about Jimmy Barlow.” + </p> + <p> + “You'd better not,” said Larry Hogan. “Let him rest in pace!” + </p> + <p> + “Fudge!” said Goggins. “Will you join chorus, Jim?” + </p> + <p> + “I will,” said Jim, fiercely. + </p> + <p> + “We'll all join,” said the men (except Larry), who felt it would be a sort + of relief to bully away the supernatural terror which hung round their + hearts after the ghost story by the sound of their own voices. + </p> + <p> + “Then here goes!” said Goggins, who started another long ballad about + Jimmy Barlow, in the opening of which all joined. It ran as follows:— + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + “My name it is Jimmy Barlow, + I was born in the town of Carlow, + And here I lie in the Maryborough jail, + All for the robbing of the Wicklow mail. + Fol de rol de rol de riddle-ido!” + </pre> + <p> + As it would be tiresome to follow this ballad through all its length, + breadth, and thickness, we shall leave the singers engaged in their + chorus, while we call the reader's attention to a more interesting person + than Mister Goggins or Jimmy Barlow. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0016" id="link2HCH0016"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXXVII + </h2> + <p> + When Edward O'Connor had hurried from the burial-place, he threw himself + into his saddle, and urged his horse to speed, anxious to fly the spot + where his feelings had been so harrowed; and as he swept along through the + cold night wind which began to rise in gusty fits, and howled past him, + there was in the violence of his rapid motion something congenial to the + fierce career of painful thoughts which chased each other through his + heated brain. He continued to travel at this rapid pace, so absorbed in + bitter reflection as to be quite insensible to external impressions, and + he knew not how far nor how fast he was going, though the heavy breathing + of his horse at any other time would have been signal sufficient to draw + the rein; but still he pressed onward, and still the storm increased, and + each acclivity was topped but to sweep down the succeeding slope at the + same desperate pace. Hitherto the road over which he pursued his fleet + career lay through an open country, and though the shades of a stormy + night hung above it, the horse could make his way in safety through the + gloom; but now they approached an old road which skirted an ancient + domain, whose venerable trees threw their arms across the old causeway, + and added their shadows to the darkness of the night. + </p> + <p> + Many and many a time had Edward ridden in the soft summer under the green + shade of these very trees, in company with Fanny Dawson, his guiltless + heart full of hope and love; perhaps it was this very thought crossing his + mind at the moment which made his present circumstances the more + oppressive. He was guiltless no longer—he rode not in happiness with + the woman he adored under the soft shade of summer trees, but heard the + wintry wind howl through their leafless boughs as he hurried in maddened + speed beneath them, and heard in the dismal sound but an echo of the voice + of remorse which was ringing through his heart. The darkness was intense + from the canopy of old oaks which overhung the road, but still the horse + was urged through the dark ravine at speed, though one might not see an + arm's length before. Fearlessly it was performed, though ever and anon, as + the trees swung about their heavy branches in the storm, smaller portions + of the boughs were snapped off and flung in the faces of the horse and the + rider, who still spurred and plashed his headlong way through the heavy + road beneath. Emerging at length from the deep and overshadowed valley, a + steep hill raised its crest in advance, but still up the stony acclivity + the feet of the mettled steed rattled rapidly, and flashed fire from the + flinty path. As they approached the top of the hill, the force of the + storm became more apparent; and on reaching its crest, the fierce pelting + of the mingled rain and hail made the horse impatient of the storm of + which his rider was heedless—almost unconscious. The spent animal + with short snortings betokened his labour, and shook his head passionately + as the fierce hail-shower struck him in the eyes and nostrils. Still, + however, was he urged downward, but he was no longer safe. Quite blown, + and pressed over a rough descent, the generous creature, that would die + rather than refuse, made a false step, and came heavily to the ground. + Edward was stunned by the fall, though not seriously hurt; and, after the + lapse of a few seconds, recovered his feet, but found the horse still + prostrate. Taking the animal by the head, he assisted him to rise, which + he was not enabled to do till after several efforts; and when he regained + his legs, it was manifest he was seriously lamed; and as he limped along + with difficulty beside his master, who led him gently, it became evident + that it was beyond the animal's power to reach his own stable that night. + Edward for the first time was now aware of how much he had punished his + horse; he felt ashamed of using the noble brute with such severity, and + became conscious that he had been acting under something little short of + frenzy. The consciousness at once tended to restore him somewhat to + himself, and he began to look around on every side in search of some house + where he could find rest and shelter for his disabled horse. As he + proceeded thus, the care necessarily bestowed on his dumb companion + partially called off his thoughts from the painful theme with which they + had been exclusively occupied, and the effect was most beneficial. The + first violent burst of feeling was past, and a calmer train of thought + succeeded; he for the first time remembered the boy had forgiven him, and + that was a great consolation to him; he recalled, too, his own words, + pledging to Gustavus his friendship, and in this pleasing hope of the + future he saw much to redeem what he regretted of the past. Still, + however, the wild flare of the pine-torch over the lone grave of his + adversary, and the horrid answer of the grave-digger, that he was but + “finishing <i>his</i> work,” would recur to his memory and awake an + internal pang. + </p> + <p> + From this painful reminiscence he sought to escape, by looking forward to + all he would do for Gustavus, and had become much calmer, when the glimmer + of a light not far ahead attracted him, and he soon was enabled to + perceive it proceeded from some buildings that lay on his right, not far + from the road. He turned up the rough path which formed the approach, and + the light escaped through the chinks of a large door which indicated the + place to be a coach-house, or some such office, belonging to the general + pile which seemed in a ruinous condition. + </p> + <p> + As he approached, Edward heard rude sounds of merriment, amongst which the + joining of many voices in a “ree-raw” chorus indicated that a carouse was + going forward within. + </p> + <p> + On reaching the door he could perceive through a wide chink a group of men + sitting round a turf fire piled at the far end of the building, which had + no fire-place, and the smoke, curling upwards to the roof, wreathed the + rafters in smoke; beneath this vapoury canopy the party sat drinking and + singing, and Edward, ere he knocked for admittance, listened to the + following strange refrain:— + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + <i>“For my name it is Jimmy Barlow, + I was born in the town of Carlow, + And here I lie in Maryborough jail, + All for the robbing of the Wicklow mail. + Fol de rol de riddle-iddle-ido!”</i> +</pre> + <p> + Then the principal singer took up the song, which seemed to be one of + robbery, blood, and murder, for it ran thus:— + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + “Then he cocked his pistol gaily, + And stood before him bravely, + Smoke and fire is my desire, + So blaze away, my game-cock squire. + <i>For my name it is Jimmy Barlow, + I was born &c.</i>” + </pre> + <p> + Edward O'Connor knocked at the door loudly; the words he had just heard + about “pistols,” “blazing away,” and, last of all, “<i>squire</i>” fell + gratingly on his ear at that moment, and seemed strangely to connect + themselves with the previous adventures of the night and his own sad + thoughts, and he beat against the door with violence. + </p> + <p> + The chorus ceased; Edward repeated his knocking. Still there was no + answer; but he heard low and hurried muttering inside. Determined, + however, to gain admittance, Edward laid hold of an iron hasp outside the + door, which enabled him to shake the gate with violence, that there might + be no excuse on the part of the inmates that they did not hear; but in + thus making the old door rattle in its frame, it suddenly yielded to his + touch and creaked open on its rusty hinges; for when Larry Hogan had + entered, it had been forgotten to be barred. + </p> + <p> + As Edward stood in the open doorway, the first object which met his eye + was the coffin—and it is impossible to say how much at that moment + the sight shocked him; he shuddered involuntarily, yet could not withdraw + his eyes from the revolting object; and the pallor with which his previous + mental anxiety had invested his cheek increased as he looked on this last + tenement of mortality. “Am I to see nothing but the evidences of death's + doing this night?” was the mental question which shot through Edward's + over-wrought brain, and he grew livid at the thought. He looked more like + one raised from the grave than a living being, and a wild glare in his + eyes rendered his appearance still more unearthly. He felt that shame + which men always experience in allowing their feelings to overcome them; + and by a great effort he mastered his emotion and spoke, but the voice + partook of the strong nervous excitement under which he laboured, and was + hollow and broken, and seemed more like that which one might fancy to + proceed from the jaws of a sepulchre than one of flesh and blood. Beaten + by the storm, too, his hair hung in wet flakes over his face and added to + his wild appearance, so that the men all started up at the first glimpse + they caught of him, and huddled themselves together in the farthest corner + of the building, from whence they eyed him with evident alarm. + </p> + <p> + Edward thought some whisky might check the feeling of faintness which + overcame him; and though he deemed it probable he had broken in upon the + nocturnal revel of desperate and lawless men, he nevertheless asked them + to give him some; but instead of displaying that alacrity so universal in + Ireland, of sharing the “creature” with a new-comer, the men only pointed + to the bottle which stood beside the fire, and drew closer together. + </p> + <p> + Edward's desire for the stimulant was so great, that he scarcely noticed + the singular want of courtesy on the part of the men; and seizing the + bottle (for there was no glass), he put it to his lips, and quaffed a + hearty dram of the spirit before he spoke. + </p> + <p> + “I must ask for shelter and assistance here,” said Edward. “My horse, I + fear, has slipped his shoulder—” + </p> + <p> + Before he could utter another word, a simultaneous roar of terror burst + from the group; they fancied the ghost of Jimmy Barlow was before them, + and made a simultaneous rush from the barn; and when they saw the horse at + the door, another yell escaped them, as they fled with increased speed and + terror. Edward stood in amazement as the men rushed from his presence; he + followed to the gate to recall them; they were gone; he could only hear + their yells in the distance. The circumstance seemed quite unaccountable; + and as he stood lost in vain surmises as to the cause of the strange + occurrence, a low neigh of recognition from the horse reminded him of the + animal's wants, and he led him into the barn, where, from the plenty of + straw which lay around, he shook down a litter where the maimed animal + might rest. + </p> + <p> + He then paced up and down the barn, lost in wonder at the conduct of those + whom he found there, and whom his presence had so suddenly expelled; and + ever as he walked towards the fire, the coffin caught his eye. As a fitful + blaze occasionally arose, it flashed upon the plate, which brightly + reflected the flame, and Edward was irresistibly drawn, despite his + original impression of horror at the object, to approach and read the + inscription. The shield bore the name of “O'Grady,” and Edward recoiled + from the coffin with a shudder, and inwardly asked, was he in his waking + senses? He had but an hour ago seen his adversary laid in his grave, yet + here was his coffin again before him, as if to harrow up his soul anew. + Was it real, or a mockery? Was he the sport of a dream, or was there some + dreadful curse fallen upon him that he should be for ever haunted by the + victim of his arm, and the call of vengeance for blood be ever upon his + track? He breathed short and hard, and the smoky atmosphere in which he + was enveloped rendered respiration still more difficult. As through this + oppressive vapour, which seemed only fit for the nether world, he saw the + coffin-plate flash back the flame, his imagination accumulated horror on + horror; and when the blaze sank, and but the bright red of the fire was + reflected, it seemed to him to burn, as it were, with a spot of blood, and + he could support the scene no longer, but rushed from the barn in a state + of mind bordering on frenzy. + </p> + <p> + It was about an hour afterwards, near midnight, that the old barn was in + flames; most likely some of the straw near the fire, in the confusion of + the breaking up of the party, had been scattered within range of ignition, + and caused the accident. The flames were seen for miles round the country, + and the shattered walls of the ruined mansion-house were illuminated + brightly by the glare of the consuming barn, which in the morning added + its own blackened and reeking ruin to the desolation, and crowds of + persons congregated to the spot for many days after. The charred planks of + the coffin were dragged from amongst the ruin; and as the roof in falling + in had dragged a large portion of the wall along with it, the stones which + had filled the coffin could not be distinguished from those of the fallen + building, therefore much wonder arose that no vestige of the bones of the + corpse it was supposed to contain should be discovered. Wonder increased + to horror as the strange fact was promulgated, and in the ready credulity + of a superstitious people, the terrible belief became general, that his + sable majesty had made off with O'Grady and the party watching him; for as + the Dublin bailiffs never stopped till they got back to town, and were + never seen again in the country, it was most natural to suppose that the + devil had made a haul of <i>them</i> at the same time. In a few days + rumour added the spectral appearance of Jim Barlow to the tale, which only + deepened its mysterious horror; and though, after some time, the true + story was promulgated by those who knew the real state of the case, yet + the truth never gained ground, and was considered but a clever sham, + attempted by the family to prevent so dreadful a story from attaching to + their house; and tradition perpetuates to this hour the belief that <i>the + devil flew away with O'Grady.</i> + </p> + <p> + Lone and shunned as the hill was where the ruined house stood, it became + more lone and shunned than ever, and the boldest heart in the whole + country-side would quail to be in its vicinity, even in the day-time. To + such a pitch the panic rose, that an extensive farm which encircled it, + and belonged to the old usurer who made the seizure, fell into a + profitless state from the impossibility of men being found to work upon + it. It was useless even as pasture, for no one could be found to herd + cattle upon it; altogether it was a serious loss to the money-grubber; and + so far the incident of the burnt barn, and the tradition it gave rise to, + acted beneficially in making the inhuman act of warring with the dead + recoil upon the merciless old usurer. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0017" id="link2HCH0017"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXXVIII + </h2> + <p> + We left Andy in what may be called a delicate situation, and though Andy's + perceptions of the refined were not very acute, he himself began to wonder + how he should get out of the dilemma into which circumstances had thrown + him; and even to his dull comprehension various terminations to his + adventure suggested themselves, till he became quite confused in the chaos + which his own thoughts created. One good idea, however, Andy contrived to + lay hold of out of the bundle which perplexed him; he felt that to gain + time would be an advantage, and if evil must come of his adventure, the + longer he could keep it off the better; so he kept up his affectation of + timidity, and put in his sobs and lamentations, like so many commas and + colons, as it were, to prevent Bridget from arriving at her climax of + going to bed. + </p> + <p> + Bridget insisted bed was the finest thing in the world for a young woman + in distress of mind. + </p> + <p> + Andy protested he never could get a wink of sleep when his mind was + uneasy. Bridget promised the most sisterly tenderness. + </p> + <p> + Andy answered by a lament for his mother. + </p> + <p> + “Come to bed, I tell you,” said Bridget. + </p> + <p> + “Are the sheets aired?” sobbed Andy. + </p> + <p> + “What!” exclaimed Bridget, in amazement. + </p> + <p> + “If you are not sure of the sheets bein' aired,” said Andy, “I'd be afeard + of catchin' cowld.” + </p> + <p> + “Sheets, indeed!” said Bridget; “'faith, it's a dainty lady you are, if + you can't sleep without sheets.” + </p> + <p> + “What!” returned Andy, “no sheets?” + </p> + <p> + “Divil a sheet.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, mother, mother!” exclaimed Andy, “what would you say to your innocent + child being tuk away to a place where there was no sheets?” + </p> + <p> + “Well, I never heerd the like!” says Bridget. + </p> + <p> + “Oh, the villains! to bring me where I wouldn't have a bit o' clane linen + to lie in!” + </p> + <p> + “Sure, there's blankets, I tell you.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, don't talk to me!” roared Andy; “sure, you know, sheets is only + dacent.” + </p> + <p> + “Bother, girl! Isn't a snug woolly blanket a fine thing?” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, don't brake my heart that-a-way!” sobbed Andy; “sure, there's wool on + any dirty sheep's back, but linen is dacency! Oh, mother, mother, if you + thought your poor girl was without a sheet this night!” + </p> + <p> + And so Andy went on, spinning his bit of “linen manufacture” as long as he + could, and raising Bridget's wonder that, instead of the lament which + abducted ladies generally raise about their “vartue,” this young woman's + principal complaint arose on the scarcity of flax. Bridget appealed to + common sense if blankets were not good enough in these bad times; + insisting, moreover, that, as “love was warmer than friendship, so wool + was warmer than flax,” the beauty of which parallel case nevertheless + failed to reconcile the disconsolate abducted. Now Andy had pushed his + plea of the want of linen as far as he thought it would go, and when + Bridget returned to the charge, and reiterated the oft-repeated “Come to + bed, I tell you!” Andy had recourse to twiddling about his toes, and + chattering his teeth, and exclaimed in a tremulous voice, “Oh, I've a + thrimblin' all over me!” + </p> + <p> + “Loosen the sthrings o' you, then,” said Bridget, about to suit the action + to the word. “Ow! ow!” cried Andy, “don't touch me—I'm ticklish.” + </p> + <p> + “Then open the throat o' your gown yourself, dear,” said Bridget. + </p> + <p> + “I've a cowld on my chest, and darn't,” said Andy; “but I think a dhrop of + hot punch would do me good if I had it.” + </p> + <p> + “And plenty of it,” said Bridget, “if that'll plaze you.” She rose as she + spoke, and set about getting “the materials” for making punch. + </p> + <p> + Andy hoped, by means of this last idea, to drink Bridget into a state of + unconsciousness, and then make his escape; but he had no notion, until he + tried, what a capacity the gentle Bridget had for carrying tumblers of + punch steadily; he proceeded as cunningly as possible, and, on the score + of “the thrimblin' over him,” repeated the doses of punch, which, + nevertheless, he protested he couldn't touch, unless Bridget kept him in + countenance, glass for glass; and Bridget—genial soul—was no + way both; for living in a still, and among smugglers, as she did, it was + not a trifle of stingo could bring her to a halt. Andy, even with the + advantage of the stronger organisation of a man, found this mountain lass + nearly a match for him, and before the potations operated as he hoped upon + her, his own senses began to feel the influence of the liquor, and his + caution became considerably undermined. + </p> + <p> + Still, however, he resisted the repeated offers of the couch proposed to + him, declaring he would sleep in his clothes, and leave to Bridget the + full possession of her lair. + </p> + <p> + The fire began to burn low, and Andy thought he might facilitate his + escape by counterfeiting sleep; so feigning slumber as well as he could, + he seemed to sink into insensibility, and Bridget unrobed herself and + retired behind a rough screen. + </p> + <p> + It was by a great effort that Andy kept himself awake, for his potations, + added to his nocturnal excursion, tended towards somnolency; but the + desire of escape, and fear of a discovery and its consequences, prevailed + over the ordinary tendency of nature, and he remained awake, watching + every sound. The silence at last became painful—so still was it, + that he could hear the small crumbling sound of the dying embers as they + decomposed and shifted their position on the hearth, and yet he could not + be satisfied from the breathing of the woman that she slept. After the + lapse of half an hour, however, he ventured to make some movement. He had + well observed the quarter in which the outlet from the cave lay, and there + was still a faint glimmer from the fire to assist him in crawling towards + the trap. It was a relief when, after some minutes of cautious creeping, + he felt the fresh air breathing from above, and a moment or two more + brought him in contact with the ladder. With the stealth of a cat he began + to climb the rungs—he could hear the men snoring on the outside of + the cave: step by step as he arose he felt his heart beat faster at the + thought of escape, and became more cautious. At length his head emerged + from the cave, and he saw the men lying about its mouth; they lay close + around it—he must step over them to escape—the chance is + fearful, but he determines to attempt it—he ascends still higher—his + foot is on the last rung of the ladder—the next step puts him on the + heather—when he feels a hand lay hold of him from below! + </p> + <p> + His heart died within him at the touch, and he could not resist an + exclamation. + </p> + <p> + “Who's that?” exclaimed one of the men outside. Andy crouched. + </p> + <p> + “Come down,” said the voice softly from below; “if Jack sees you, it will + be worse for you.” + </p> + <p> + It was the voice of Bridget, and Andy felt it was better to be with her + than exposed to the savagery of Shan More and his myrmidons; so he + descended quietly, and gave himself up to the tight hold of Bridget, who, + with many asseverations that “out of her arms she would not let the + prisoner go till morning,” led him back to the cave. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0018" id="link2HCH0018"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXXIX + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + “Great wit to madness nearly is allied, + And thin partitions do the bounds divide.” + </pre> + <p> + So sings the poet; but whether the wit be great or little, the “thin + partition” separating madness from sanity is equally mysterious. It is + true that the excitability attendant upon genius approximates so closely + to madness, that it is sometimes difficult to distinguish between them; + but, without the attendant “genius” to hold up the train of madness, and + call for our special permission and respect in any of its fantastic + excursions, the most ordinary crack-brain sometimes chooses to sport in + the regions of sanity, and, without the license which genius is supposed + to dispense to her children, poach over the preserves of common sense. + This is a well-known fact, and would not be reiterated here, but that the + circumstances about to be recorded hereafter might seem unworthy of + belief; and as the veracity of our history we would not have for one + moment questioned, we have ventured to jog the memory of our readers as to + the close neighbourhood of madness and common sense, before we record a + curious instance of intermitting madness in the old dowager O'Grady. + </p> + <p> + Her son's death had, by the violence of the shock, dragged her from the + region of fiction in which she habitually existed; but after the funeral + she relapsed into all her strange aberration, and her bird-clock and her + chimney-pot head-dress were once more in requisition. + </p> + <p> + The old lady had her usual attendance from her granddaughter, and the + customary offering of flowers was rendered, but they were not so cared for + as before, and Charlotte was dismissed sooner than usual from her + morning's attendance, and a new favourite received in her place. And “of + all the birds in the air,” who should this favourite be but Master Ratty. + Yes!—Ratty—the caricaturist of his grandmamma, was, “for the + nonce,” her closeted companion. Many a guess was given as to “what in the + world” grandmamma <i>could</i> want with Ratty; but the secret was kept + between them, for this reason, that the old lady kept <i>the reward she + promised</i> Ratty for preserving it in her own hands, until the duty she + required on his part should be accomplished, and the shilling a day to + which Ratty looked forward kept him faithful. + </p> + <p> + Now the duty Master Ratty had to perform was instructing his grandmamma + how to handle a pistol; the bringing up quick to the mark, and levelling + by “the sight,” was explained; but a difficulty arose in the old lady's + shutting her left eye, which Ratty declared to be indispensable, and for + some time Ratty was obliged to stand on a chair and cover his grandmamma's + eye with his hand while she took aim; this was found inconvenient, + however, and the old lady substituted a black silk shade to obfuscate her + sinister luminary in her exercises, which now advanced to snapping the + lock, and knocking sparks from the flint, which made the old lady wink + with her right eye. When this second habit was overcome, the “dry” + practice, that is, without powder, was given up; and a “flash in the pan” + was ventured upon, but this made her shut both eyes together, and it was + some time before she could prevail on herself to hold her eye fixed on her + mark, and pull the trigger. This, however, at last was accomplished, and + when she had conquered the fear of seeing the flash, she adopted the plan + of standing before a handsome old-fashioned looking-glass which reached + from the ceiling to the floor, and levelling the pistol at her own + reflection within it, as if she were engaged in mortal combat; and every + time she snapped and burned priming she would exclaim, “I hit him that + time!—I know I can kill him—<i>tremble, villain</i>!” + </p> + <p> + As long as this pistol practice had the charm of novelty for Ratty, it was + all very well; but when, day by day, the strange mistakes and nervousness + of his grandmamma became less piquant from repetition, it was not such + good fun; and when the rantipole boy, after as much time as he wished to + devote to the old woman's caprice, endeavoured to emancipate himself and + was countermanded, an outburst of <i>“Oh, bother!”</i> would take place, + till the grandmother called up the prospective shillings to his view, and + Ratty bowed before the altar of Mammon. But even Mammon failed to keep + Ratty loyal; for that heathen god, Momus, claimed a superior allegiance; + Ratty worshipped the “cap and bells” as the true crown, and “the bauble” + as the sovereign sceptre. Besides, the secret became troublesome to him, + and he determined to let the whole house know what “gran” and he were + about, in a way of his own. + </p> + <p> + The young imp, in the next day's practice, worked up the grandmamma to a + state of great excitement, urging her to take a cool and determined aim at + the looking-glass. “Cover him well, gran,” said Ratty. + </p> + <p> + “I will,” said the dowager, resolutely. + </p> + <p> + “You ought to be able to hit him at six paces.” + </p> + <p> + “I stand at twelve paces.” + </p> + <p> + “No—you are only six from the looking-glass.” + </p> + <p> + “But the reflection, child, in the mirror, doubles the distance.” + </p> + <p> + “Bother!” said Ratty. “Here, take the pistol—mind your eye and don't + wink.” + </p> + <p> + “Ratty, you are singularly obtuse to the charms of science.” + </p> + <p> + “What's science?” said Ratty. + </p> + <p> + “Science, child, is knowledge of a lofty and abstruse nature, developing + itself in wonderful inventions—gunpowder, for instance, is made by + science.” + </p> + <p> + “Indeed it is not,” said Ratty; “I never saw his name on a canister. + Pigou, Andrew, and Wilks, or Mister Dartford Mills, are the men for + gunpowder. You know nothing about it, gran.” + </p> + <p> + “Ratty, you are disrespectful, and will not listen to instruction. I knew + Kirwan—the great Kirwan, the chemist, who always wore his hat—” + </p> + <p> + “Then he knew chemistry better than manners.” + </p> + <p> + “Ratty, you are very troublesome. I desire you listen, sir. Kirwan, sir, + told me all about science, and the Dublin Society have his picture, with a + bottle in his hand—” + </p> + <p> + “Then he was fond of drink,” said Ratty. + </p> + <p> + “Ratty, don't be pert. To come back to what I was originally saying—I + repeat, sir, I am at twelve paces from my object, six from the mirror, + which, doubled by reflection, makes twelve; such is the law of optics. I + suppose you know what optics are?” + </p> + <p> + “To be sure I do.” + </p> + <p> + “Tell me, then.” + </p> + <p> + “Our eyes,” said Ratty. + </p> + <p> + “Eyes!” exclaimed the old lady, in amaze. + </p> + <p> + “To be sure,” answered Ratty, boldly. “Didn't I hear the old blind man at + the fair asking charity 'for the loss of his blessed optics'?” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, what lamentable ignorance, my child!” exclaimed the old lady. “Your + tutor ought to be ashamed of himself.” + </p> + <p> + “So he is,” said Ratty. “He hasn't had a pair of new breeches for the last + seven years, and he hides himself whenever he sees mamma or the girls.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, you ignorant child! Indeed, Ratty, my love, you must study. I will + give you the renowned Kirwan's book. Charlotte tore some of it for curl + papers; but there's enough left to enlighten you with the sun's rays, and + reflection and refraction—” + </p> + <p> + “I know what <i>that</i> is,” said Ratty. + </p> + <p> + “What?” + </p> + <p> + “Refraction.” + </p> + <p> + “And what is it, dear?” + </p> + <p> + “Bad behaviour,” said Ratty. + </p> + <p> + “Oh, Heavens!” exclaimed his grandmother. + </p> + <p> + “Yes, it is,” said Ratty, stoutly; “the tutor says I'm refractory when I + behave ill; and he knows Latin better than you.” + </p> + <p> + “Ratty, Ratty! you are hopeless!” exclaimed his grandmamma. + </p> + <p> + “No, I am not,” said Ratty. “I'm always <i>hoping</i>. And I hope Uncle + Robert will break his neck some day, and leave us his money.” + </p> + <p> + The old woman turned up her eyes, and exclaimed, “You wicked boy!” + </p> + <p> + “Fudge!” said Ratty; “he's an old shaver, and we want it; and indeed, + gran, you ought to give me ten shillings for ten days' teaching, now; and + there's a fair next week, and I want to buy things.” + </p> + <p> + “Ratty, I told you when you made me perfect in the use of my weapon I + would pay you. My promise is sacred, and I will observe it with that + scrupulous honour which has ever been the characteristic of the family; as + soon as I hit something, and satisfy myself of my mastery over the weapon, + the money shall be yours, but not till then.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, very well,” said Ratty; “go on then. <i>Ready</i>—don't bring + up your arm that way, like the handle of a pump, but raise it nice from + the elbow—that's it. <i>Ready—fire!</i> Ah! there you blink + your eye, and drop the point of your pistol—try another. <i>Ready—fire!</i> + That's better. Now steady the next time.” + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0006" id="linkimage-0006"></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:80%"> + <img src="images/crack_shot.jpg" alt="A Crack Shot" width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + The young villain then put a charge of powder and ball into the pistol he + handed his grandmother, who took steady aim at her reflection in the + mirror, and at the words, <i>“Ready—fire!”</i> bang went the pistol—the + magnificent glass was smashed—the unexpected recoil of the weapon + made it drop from the hand of the dowager, who screamed with astonishment + at the report and the shock, and did not see for a moment the mischief she + had done; but when the shattered mirror caught her eyes, she made a rush + at Ratty, who was screeching with laughter in the far corner of the room + where he ran to when he had achieved his trick, and he was so helpless + from the excess of his cachinnation, that the old lady cuffed him without + his being able to defend himself. At last he contrived to get out of her + clutches and jammed her against the wall with a table so tightly, that she + roared “Murder!” The report of the pistol ringing through the house + brought all its inmates to the spot; and there the cries of murder from + the old lady led them to suppose some awful tragedy, instead of a comedy, + was enacting inside; the door was locked, too, which increased the alarm, + and was forced in the moment of terror from the outside. When the crowd + rushed in, Master Ratty rushed out, and left the astonished family to + gather up the bits of the story, as well as they could, from the broken + looking-glass and the cracked dowager. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0019" id="link2HCH0019"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XL + </h2> + <p> + Though it is clear the serious events in the O'Grady family had not + altered Master Ratty's propensities in the least, the case was far + different with Gustavus. In that one night of suffering which <i>he</i> + had passed, the gulf was leaped that divides the boy from the man; and the + extra frivolity and carelessness which clung from boyhood up to the age of + fifteen was at once, by the sudden disrupture produced by events, thrown + off, and as singular a ripening into manhood commenced. + </p> + <p> + Gustavus was of a generous nature; and even his faults belonged less to + his organisation than to the devil-may-care sort of education he received, + if education it might be called. Upon his generosity the conduct of Edward + O'Connor beside the grave of the boy's father had worked strongly; and + though Gustavus could not give his hand beside the grave to the man with + whom his father had engaged in deadly quarrel, yet he quite exonerated + Edward from any blame; and when, after a night more sleepless than + Gustavus had ever known, he rose early on the ensuing morning, he + determined to ride over to Edward O'Connor's house to breakfast, and + commence that friendship which Edward had so solemnly promised to him, and + with which the boy was pleased; for Gustavus was quite aware in what + estimation Edward was held; and though the relative circumstances in which + he and the late Squire stood prevented the boy from “caring a fig" for + him, as he often said himself, yet he was not beyond the influence of that + thing called “reputation,” which so powerfully attaches to and elevates + the man who wins it; and the price at which Edward was held in the country + influenced opinion even in Neck-or-Nothing Hall, albeit though “against + the grain.” Gustavus had sometimes heard, from the lips of the idle and + ignorant, Edward sneered at for being “cruel wise,” and “too much of a + schoolmaster,” and fit for nothing but books or a boudoir, and called a + “piano man,” with all the rest of the hackneyed dirt which jealous + inferiority loves to fling at the heights it cannot occupy; for though—as + it has been said—Edward, from his manly and sensible bearing, had + escaped such sneers better than most men, still some few there were to + whom his merit was offensive. Gustavus, however, though he sometimes heard + such things, saw with his own eyes that Edward could back a horse with any + man in the country—was always foremost in the chace—could + bring down as many brace of birds as most men in a day—had saved one + or two persons from drowning; and if he did all these things as well as + other men, Gustavus (though hitherto too idle to learn much himself) did + not see why a man should be sneered at for being an accomplished scholar + as well. Therefore he had good foundation for being pleased at the + proffered friendship of such a man, and remembering the poignancy of + Edward's anguish on the foregoing eve, Gustavus generously resolved to see + him at once and offer him the hand which a nice sense of feeling made him + withhold the night before. Mounting his pony, an hour's smart riding + brought him to Mount Eskar, for such was the name of Mr. O'Connor's + residence. + </p> + <p> + It was breakfast-time when Gustavus arrived, but Edward had not yet left + his room, and the servant went to call him. It need scarcely be said that + Edward had passed a wretched night; reaching home, as he did, weary in + mind and body, and with feelings and imagination both overwrought, it was + long before he could sleep; and even then his slumber was disturbed by + harassing visions and frightful images. Spectral shapes and things + unimaginable to the waking senses danced and crawled and hissed about him. + The torch flared above the grave, and that horrid coffin, with the name of + the dead O'Grady upon it, “murdered sleep.” It was dawn before anything + like refreshing slumber touched his feverish eyelids, and he had not + enjoyed more than a couple of hours of what might be called sleep, when + the servant called him; and then, after the brief oblivion he had + obtained, one may fancy how he started when the first words he heard on + waking were, “Mister O'Grady is below, sir.” + </p> + <p> + Edward started up from his bed and stared wildly on the man, as he + exclaimed, with a look of alarm, “O'Grady! For God's sake, you don't say + O'Grady?” + </p> + <p> + “'Tis Master Gustavus, sir,” said the man, wondering at the wildness of + Edward's manner. + </p> + <p> + “Oh, the boy!—ay, ay, the boy!” repeated Edward, drawing his hands + across his eyes and recovering his self-possession. “Say I will be down + presently.” + </p> + <p> + The man retired, and Edward lay down again for some minutes to calm the + heavy beating of his heart which the sudden mention of that name had + produced; that name so linked with the mental agony of the past night; + that name which had conjured up a waking horror of such might as to shake + the sway of reason for a time, and which afterwards pursued its reign of + terror through his sleep. After such a night, fancy poor Edward doomed to + hear the name of O'Grady again the first thing in the morning, and we + cannot wonder that he was startled. + </p> + <p> + A few minutes, however, served to restore his self-possession; and he + arose, made his toilet in haste, and descended to the breakfast-parlour, + where he was met by Gustavus with an open hand, which Edward clasped with + fervour and held for some time as he looked on the handsome face of the + boy, and saw in its frank expression all that his heart could desire. They + spoke not a word, but they understood one another; and that moment + commenced an attachment which increased with increasing intimacy, and + became one of those steadfast friendships which are seldom met with. + </p> + <p> + After breakfast Edward brought Gustavus to his “den,” as he called a room + which was appropriated to his own particular use, occupied with books and + a small collection of national relics. Some long ranges of that peculiar + calf binding, with its red label, declared at once the contents to be law + and by the dry formal cut of the exterior gave little invitation to + reading. The very outside of a law library is repulsive; the continuity of + that eternal buff leather gives one a surfeit by anticipation, and makes + one mentally exclaim in despair, “Heavens! how can any one hope to get all + that into his head?” The only plain honest thing about law is the outside + of the books where it is laid down—there all is simple; inside all + is complex. The interlacing lines of the binder's patterns find no place + on the covers; but intricacies abound inside, where any line is easier + found than a straight one. Nor gold leaf nor tool is employed without, but + within how many fallacies are enveloped in glozing words; the gold leaf + has its representative in “legal fiction;” and as for “<i>tooling</i>” + there's plenty of that! + </p> + <p> + Other books, also, bore external evidence of the nature of their contents. + Some old parchment covers indicated the lore of past ages; amidst these + the brightest names of Greece and Rome were to be found, as well as those + who have adorned our own literature, and implied a cultivated taste on the + part of the owner. But one portion of the library was particularly well + stored. The works bearing on Irish history were numerous, and this might + well account for the ardour of Edward's feelings in the cause of his + country; for it is as impossible that a river should run backwards to its + source, as that any Irishman of a generous nature can become acquainted + with the real history of his country, and not feel that she has been an + ill-used and neglected land, and not struggle in the cause of her being + righted. Much <i>has</i> been done in the cause since the days of which + this story treats, and Edward was amongst those who helped to achieve it; + but much has still to be done, and there is glorious work in store for + present and future Edward O'Connors. + </p> + <p> + Along with the books which spoke the cause of Ireland, the mute evidences, + also, of her former glory and civilisation were scattered through the + room. Various ornaments of elegant form, and wrought in the purest gold, + were tastefully arranged over the mantel-piece; some, from their form, + indicating their use, and others only affording matter of ingenious + speculation to the antiquary, but all bearing evidence of early + civilisation. The frontlet of gold indicated noble estate, and the long + and tapering bodkin of the same metal, with its richly enchased knob or + pendent crescent, implied the robe it once fastened could have been of no + mean texture, and the wearer of no mean rank. Weapons were there, too, of + elegant form and exquisite workmanship, wrought in that ancient bronze, of + such wondrous temper that it carries effective edge and point. The sword + was of exact Phoenician mould; the double-eyed spear-head, formed at once + for strength and lightness, might have served as the model for a sculptor + in arming the hand of Minerva. Could these be the work of an uncultivated + people? Impossible! The harp, too, was there, that unfailing mark of + polish and social elegance. The bard and barbarism could never be coeval. + But a relic was there, exciting still deeper interest—an ancient + crosier, of curious workmanship, wrought in the precious metals and partly + studded with jewels; but few of the latter remained, though the empty + collets showed it had once been costly in such ornaments. Could this be + seen without remembering that the light of Christianity first dawned over + the western isles <i>in Ireland?</i> that <i>there</i> the Gospel was + first preached, <i>there</i> the work of salvation begun? + </p> + <p> + There be cold hearts to which these touching recollections do not pertain, + and they heed them not; and some there are, who, with a callousness which + shocks sensibility, have the ignorant effrontery to ask, “Of what use are + such recollections?” With such frigid utilitarians it would be vain to + argue; but this question, at least, may be put in return:—Why should + the ancient glories of Greece and Rome form a large portion of the + academic studies of our youth?—why should the evidences of <i>their</i> + arts and <i>their</i> arms be held precious in museums, and similar + evidences of ancient cultivation be despised because they pertain to + another nation? Is it because they are Irish they are held in contempt? + Alas! in many cases it is so—ay, and even (shame to say) within her + own shores. But never may that day arrive when Ireland shall be without + enough of true and fond hearts to cherish the memory of her ancient + glories, to give to her future sons the evidences of her earliest western + civilisation, proving that their forefathers were not (as those say who + wronged and therefore would malign them) a rabble of rude barbarians, but + that brave kings, and proud princes, and wise lawgivers, and just judges, + and gallant chiefs, and chaste and lovely women were among them, and that + inspired bards were there to perpetuate such memories! + </p> + <p> + Gustavus had never before seen a crosier, and asked what it was. On being + informed of its name, he then said, “But what <i>is</i> a crosier?” + </p> + <p> + “A bishop's pastoral staff,” said Edward. + </p> + <p> + “And why have you a bishop's staff, and swords, and spears, hung up + together?” + </p> + <p> + “That is not inappropriate,” said Edward. “Unfortunately, the sword and + the crosier have been frequently but too intimate companions. Preaching + the word of peace has been too often the pretext for war. The Spaniards, + for instance, in the name of the gospel, committed the most fearful + atrocities.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, I know,” said Gustavus, “that was in the time of bloody Mary and the + Armada.” + </p> + <p> + Edward wondered at the boy's ignorance, and saw in an instant the source + of his false application of his allusion to the Spaniards. Gustavus had + been taught to vaguely couple the name of “bloody Mary” with everything + bad, and that of “good Queen Bess” with all that was glorious; and the + word “Spanish,” in poor Gusty's head, had been hitherto connected with two + ideas, namely, “liquorice” and the “Armada.” + </p> + <p> + Edward, without wounding the sensitive shame of ignorant youth, gently set + him right, and made him aware he had alluded to the conduct of the + Spaniards in America under Cortes and Pizarro. + </p> + <p> + For the first time in his life Gustavus was aware that Pizarro was a real + character. He had heard his grandmamma speak of a play of that name, and + how great Mr. Kemble was in Rollo, and how he saved a child; but as to its + belonging to history, it was a new light—the utmost Gusty knew about + America being that it was discovered by Columbus. + </p> + <p> + “But the crosier,” said Edward, “is amongst the most interesting of Irish + antiquities, and especially belongs to an Irish collection, when you + remember the earliest preaching of Christianity in the western isles was + in Ireland.” + </p> + <p> + “I did only know that,” said the boy. + </p> + <p> + “Then you don't know why the shamrock is our national emblem?” + </p> + <p> + “No,” said Gustavus, “though I take care to mount one in my hat every + Patrick's day.” + </p> + <p> + “Well,” said Edward, anxious to give Gustavus credit for <i>any</i> + knowledge he possessed, “you know at least it is connected with the memory + of St. Patrick, though you don't know why. I will tell you. When St. + Patrick first preached the Christian faith in Ireland, before a powerful + chief and his people, when he spoke of one God, and of the Trinity, the + chief asked how one could be in three. St. Patrick, instead of attempting + a theological definition of the faith, thought a simple image would best + serve to enlighten a simple people, and stooping to the earth he plucked + from the green sod a shamrock, and holding up the trefoil before them he + bade them there behold one in three. The chief, struck by the + illustration, asked at once to be baptised, and all his sept followed his + example.” + </p> + <p> + “I never heard that before,” said Gusty. “'T is very beautiful.” + </p> + <p> + “I will tell you something else connected with it,” said Edward. + </p> + <p> + “After baptising the chief, St. Patrick made an eloquent exhortation to + the assembled multitude, and in the course of his address, while enforcing + his urgent appeal with appropriate gesture, as the hand which held his + crosier, after being raised towards heaven, descended again towards the + earth, the point of his staff, armed with metal, was driven through the + foot of the chief, who, fancying it was part of the ceremony, and but a + necessary testing of the firmness of his faith, never winced.” + </p> + <p> + “He was a fine fellow,” said Gusty. “And is that the crosier?” he added, + alluding to the one in Edward's collection, and manifestly excited by what + he had heard. + </p> + <p> + “No,” said Edward, “but one of early date, and belonging to some of the + first preachers of the gospel amongst us.” + </p> + <p> + “And have you other things here with such beautiful stories belonging to + them?” inquired Gusty, eager for more of that romantic lore which youth + loves so passionately. + </p> + <p> + “Not that I know of,” answered Edward “but if these objects here had only + tongues, if every sword, and belt, and spear-head, and golden bodkin, and + other trinket could speak, no doubt we should hear stirring stories of + gallant warriors and their ladye-loves.” + </p> + <p> + “Aye, that would be something to hear!” exclaimed Gusty. + </p> + <p> + “Well,” said Edward, “you may have many <i>such</i> stories by reading the + history of your country; which if you have not read, I can lend you books + enough.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, thank you,” said Gusty; “I should like it so much.” + </p> + <p> + Edward approached the book-shelf and selected a volume he thought the most + likely to interest so little practised a reader; and when he turned round + he saw Gusty poising in his hand an antique Irish sword of bronze. + </p> + <p> + “Do you know what that is?” inquired Edward. + </p> + <p> + “I can't tell you the name of it,” answered Gusty, “but I suppose it was + <i>something to stick a fellow</i>.” + </p> + <p> + Edward smiled at the characteristic reply, and told him it was an antique + Irish sword. + </p> + <p> + “A sword?” he exclaimed. “Isn't it short for a sword?” + </p> + <p> + “All the swords of that day were short.” + </p> + <p> + “When was that?” inquired the boy. + </p> + <p> + “Somewhere about two thousand years ago.” + </p> + <p> + “Two thousand years,” exclaimed Gusty, in surprise. “How is it possible + you can tell this is two thousand years old?” + </p> + <p> + “Because it is made of the same metal and of the same shape as the swords + found at Cannae, where the Carthaginians fought the Romans.” + </p> + <p> + “I know the Roman history,” said Gusty, eager to display his little bit of + knowledge; “I know the Roman history. Romulus and Remus were educated by a + wolf.” Edward could not resist a smile, which he soon suppressed, and + continued:—“Such works as you now hold in your hand are found <i>in + quantities</i> in Ireland, and seldom anywhere else in Europe, except in + Italy, particularly at Cannae, where some thousands of Carthaginians fell; + and when we find the sword of the same make and metal in places so remote, + it establishes a strong connecting link between the people of Carthage and + of Ireland, and at once shows their date.” + </p> + <p> + “How curious that is!” exclaimed Gusty; “and how odd I never heard it + before! Are there many such curious things you know?” + </p> + <p> + “Many,” said Edward. + </p> + <p> + “I wonder how people can find out such odd things,” said the boy. + </p> + <p> + “My dear boy,” said Edward, “after getting a certain amount of knowledge, + other knowledge comes very fast; it gathers like a snowball—or + perhaps it would be better to illustrate the fact by a milldam. You know, + when the water is low in the milldam, the miller cannot drive his wheel; + but the moment the water comes up to a certain level it has force to work + the mill. And so it is with knowledge; when once you get it up to a + certain level, you can 'work your mill,' with this great advantage over + the milldam, that the stream of knowledge, once reaching the working + level, never runs dry.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, I wish I knew as much as you do,” exclaimed Gusty. + </p> + <p> + “And so you can if you wish it,” said Edward. + </p> + <p> + Gusty sighed heavily, and admitted he had been very idle. Edward told him + he had plenty of time before him to repair the damage. + </p> + <p> + A conversation then ensued, perfectly frank on the part of the boy, and + kind on Edward's side to all his deficiencies, which he found to be + lamentable, as far as learning went. He had some small smattering of + Latin; but Gustavus vowed steady attention to his tutor and his studies + for the future. Edward, knowing what a miserable scholar the tutor himself + was, offered to put Gustavus through his Latin and Greek himself. Gustavus + accepted the offer with gratitude, and rode over every day to Mount Eskar + for his lesson; and, under the intelligent explanations of Edward, the + difficulties which had hitherto discouraged him disappeared, and it was + surprising what progress he made. At the same time he devoured Irish + history, and became rapidly tinctured with that enthusiastic love of all + that belonged to his country which he found in his teacher; and Edward + soon hailed, in the ardent neophyte, a noble and intelligent spirit + redeemed from ignorance and rendered capable of higher enjoyments than + those to be derived merely from field sports. Edward, however, did not + confine his instructions to book-learning only; there is much to be + learned by living with the educated, whose current conversation alone is + instructive; and Edward had Gustavus with him as constantly as he could; + and after some time, when the frequency of Gusty's visits to Mount Eskar + ceased to excite any wonder at home, he sometimes spent several days + together with Edward, to whom he became continually more and more + attached. Edward showed great judgment in making his training attractive + to his pupil: he did not attend merely to his head; he thought of other + things as well; joined him in the sports and exercises he knew, and taught + him those in which he was uninstructed. Fencing, for instance, was one of + these; Edward was a tolerable master of his foil, and in a few months + Gustavus, under his tuition, could parry a thrust and make no bad attempt + at a hit himself. His improvement in every way was so remarkable, that it + was noticed by all, and its cause did not long remain secret; and when it + <i>was</i> known, Edward O'Connor's character stood higher than ever, and + the whole country said it was a lucky day for Gusty O'Grady that he found + such a friend. As the limits of our story would not permit the intercourse + between Edward and Gustavus to be treated in detail, this general sketch + of it has been given; and in stating its consequences so far, a peep into + the future has been granted by the author, with a benevolence seldom + belonging to his ill-natured and crafty tribe, who endeavour to hoodwink + their docile followers as much as possible, and keep them in a state of + ignorance as to coming events. But now, having been so indulgent, we must + beg to lay hold of the skirts of our readers and pull them back again down + the ladder into the private still, where Bridget pulled back Andy very + much after the same fashion, and the results of which we must treat of in + our next chapter. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0020" id="link2HCH0020"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XLI + </h2> + <p> + When Bridget dragged Andy back and insisted on his going to bed— + </p> + <p> + No—I will not be too good natured and tell my story in that way; + besides, it would be a very difficult matter to tell it; and why should an + author, merely to oblige people, get himself involved in a labyrinth of + difficulties, and rack his unfortunate brain to pick and choose words + properly to tell his story, yet at the same time to lead his readers + through the mazes of this very ticklish adventure, without a single thorn + scratching their delicate feelings, or as much as making the smallest rent + in the white muslin robe of propriety? So, not to run unnecessary risks, + the story must go on another way. + </p> + <p> + When Shan More and the rest of the “big blackguards” began to wake, the + morning after the abduction, and gave a turn or two under their heather + coverlid, and rubbed their eyes as the sun peeped through the “curtains of + the east”—for these were the only bed-curtains Shan More and his + companions ever had—they stretched themselves and yawned, and felt + very thirsty, for they had all been blind drunk the night before, be it + remembered; and Shan More, to use his own expressive and poetic imagery, + swore that his tongue was “as rough as a rat's back,” while his companions + went no further than saying theirs were as “dry as a lime-burner's wig.” + We should not be so particular in those minute details but for that desire + of truth which has guided us all through this veracious history and as in + this scene, in particular, we feel ourselves sure to be held seriously + responsible for every word, we are determined to be accurate to a nicety, + and set down every syllable with stenographic strictness. + </p> + <p> + “Where's the girl?” cried Shan, not yet sober. + </p> + <p> + “She's asleep with your sisther,” was the answer. + </p> + <p> + “Down-stairs?” inquired Shan. + </p> + <p> + “Yes,” said the other, who now knew that Big Jack was more drunk than he + at first thought him, by his using the words <i>stairs</i>; for Jack when + he was drunk was very grand, and called <i>down the ladder</i> “down-<i>stairs</i>.” + </p> + <p> + “Get me a drink o' wather,” said Jack, “for I'm thundherin' thirsty, and + can't deludher that girl with soft words till I wet my mouth.” + </p> + <p> + His attendant vagabond obeyed the order, and a large pitcher full of water + was handed to the master, who heaved it upwards to his head and drank as + audibly and nearly as much as a horse. Then holding his hands to receive + the remaining contents of the pitcher, which his followers poured into his + monstrous palms, he soused his face, which he afterwards wiped in a wisp + of grass—the only towel of Jack's which was not then at the wash. + </p> + <p> + Having thus made his toilet, Big Jack went downstairs, and as soon as his + great bull-head had disappeared beneath the trap, one of the men above + said, “We'll have a <i>shilloe</i> soon, boys.” + </p> + <p> + And sure enough they did before long hear an extraordinary row. Jack first + roared for Bridget, and no answer was returned; the call was repeated with + as little effect, and at last a most tremendous roar was heard above, but + not from a female voice. Jack was heard below, swearing like a trooper, + and, in a minute or two, back he rushed “<i>up-stairs</i>” and began + cursing his myrmidons most awfully, and foaming at the mouth with rage. + </p> + <p> + “What's the matther?” cried the men. + </p> + <p> + “Matther!” roared Jack; “oh, you 'tarnal villains! You're a purty set to + carry off a girl for a man—a purty job you've made of it!” + </p> + <p> + “Arrah, didn't we bring her to you?” + </p> + <p> + “<i>Her</i>, indeed—bring <i>her</i>—much good what you + brought is to me!” + </p> + <p> + “Tare an' ouns! what's the matther at all? We dunna what you mane!” + shouted the men, returning rage for rage. + </p> + <p> + “Come down, and you'll see what's the matther,” said Jack, descending the + ladder; and the men hastened after him. + </p> + <p> + He led the way to the further end of the cabin, where a small glimmering + of light was permitted to enter from the top, and lifting a tattered piece + of canvas, which served as a screen to the bed, he exclaimed, with a + curse, “Look there, you blackguards!” + </p> + <p> + The men gave a shout of surprise, for—what do you think they saw?—An + empty bed! + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0021" id="link2HCH0021"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XLII + </h2> + <p> + It may be remembered that, on Father Phil's recommendation, Andy was to be + removed out of the country to place him beyond the reach of Larry Hogan's + machinations, and that the proposed journey to London afforded a good + opportunity of taking him out of the way. Andy had been desired by Squire + Egan to repair to Merryvale; but as some days had elapsed and Andy had not + made his appearance, the alarms of the Squire that Andy might be tampered + with began to revive, and Dick Dawson was therefore requested to call at + the Widow Rooney's cabin as he was returning from the town, where some + business with Murphy, about the petition against Scatterbrain's return, + demanded his presence. + </p> + <p> + Dick, as it happened, had no need to call at the widow's, for on his way + to the town who should he see approaching but the renowned Andy himself. + On coming up to him, Dick pulled up his horse, and Andy pulled off his + hat. + </p> + <p> + “God save your honour,” said Andy. + </p> + <p> + “Why didn't you come to Merryvale, as you were bid?” said Dick. + </p> + <p> + “I couldn't, sir, becase—” + </p> + <p> + “Hold your tongue, you thief; you know you never can do what you're bid—you + are always wrong one way or other.” + </p> + <p> + “You're hard on me, Misther Dick.” + </p> + <p> + “Did you ever do anything right?—I ask yourself?” + </p> + <p> + “Indeed, sir, this time it was a rale bit o' business I had to do.” + </p> + <p> + “And well you did it, no doubt. Did you marry any one lately?” said Dick, + with a waggish grin and a wink. + </p> + <p> + “Faix, then, maybe I did,” said Andy, with a knowing nod. + </p> + <p> + “And I hope <i>Matty</i> is well?” said Dick. + </p> + <p> + “Ah, Misther Dick, you're always goin' on with your jokin', so you are. + So, you heerd o' that job, did you? Faix, a purty lady she is—oh, + it's not her at all I am married to, but another woman.” + </p> + <p> + “Another woman!” exclaimed Dick, in surprise. + </p> + <p> + “Yis, sir, another woman—a kind craythur.” + </p> + <p> + “Another woman!” reiterated Dick, laughing; “married to two women in two + days! Why you're worse than a Turk!” + </p> + <p> + “Ah, Misther Dick!” + </p> + <p> + “You Tarquin!” + </p> + <p> + “Sure, sir, what harm's in it?”' + </p> + <p> + “You Heliogabalus!!” + </p> + <p> + “Sure, it's no fault o' mine, sir.” + </p> + <p> + “Bigamy, by this and that, flat bigamy! You'll only be hanged, as sure as + your name's Andy.” + </p> + <p> + “Sure, let me tell you how it was, sir, and you'll see I am quit of all + harm, good or bad. 'T was a pack o' blackguards, you see, come to take off + Oonah, sir.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, a case of abduction!” + </p> + <p> + “Yis, sir; so the women dhressed me up as a girl, and the blackguards, + instead of the seduction of Oonah, only seduced me.” + </p> + <p> + “Capital!” cried Dick; “well done, Andy! And who seduced you?” + </p> + <p> + “Shan <i>More</i>, 'faith—no less.” + </p> + <p> + “Ho, ho! a dangerous customer to play tricks on, Andy.” + </p> + <p> + “Sure enough, 'faith, and that's partly the rayson of what happened; but, + by good luck, Big Jack was blind dhrunk when I got there, and I shammed + screechin' so well that his sisther took pity on me, and said she'd keep + me safe from harm in her own bed that night.” + </p> + <p> + Dick gave a “view hallo” when he heard this, and shouted with laughter, + delighted at the thought of Shan More, instead of carrying off a girl for + himself, introducing a gallant to his own sister. + </p> + <p> + “Oh, now I see how you are married,” said Dick; “that was the biter bit + indeed.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, the divil a bit I'd ha' bit her only for the cross luck with me, for + I wanted to schame off out o' the place, and escape; but she wouldn't let + me, and cotch me and brought me back.” + </p> + <p> + “I should think she would, indeed,” said Dick, laughing. “What next?” + </p> + <p> + “Why I drank a power o' punch, sir, and was off my guard, you see, and + couldn't keep the saycret so well afther that, and by dad she found it + out.” + </p> + <p> + “Just what I would expect of her,” said Dick. + </p> + <p> + “Well, do you know, sir, though the thrick was agen her own brother, she + laughed at it a power, and said I was a great divil, but that she couldn't + blame me. So then I'd sthruv to coax her to let me make my escape, but she + told me to wait a bit till the men above was faster asleep; but while I + was waitin' for them to go to sleep, faix, I went to asleep myself, I was + so tired; and when Bridget, the crathur, 'woke me in the morning, she was + cryin' like a spout afther a thunder-storm, and said her characther would + be ruined when the story got abroad over the counthry, and sure she darn't + face the world if I wouldn't make her an honest woman.” + </p> + <p> + “The brazen baggage!” said Dick; “and what did you say?” + </p> + <p> + “Why what could any man say, sir, afther that? Sure her karacther would be + gone if—” + </p> + <p> + “Gone,” said Dick, “'faith it might have gone further before it fared + worse.” + </p> + <p> + “Arrah! what do you mane, Misther Dick?” + </p> + <p> + “Pooh, pooh! Andy—you don't mean to say you married that one?” + </p> + <p> + “Faix, I did,” said Andy. + </p> + <p> + “Well, Andy,” said Dick, grinning, “by the powers, you <i>have</i> done it + this time! Good morning to you!” and Dick put spurs to his horse. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0022" id="link2HCH0022"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XLIII + </h2> + <p> + Andy, “knocked all of a heap,” stood in the middle of the road, looking + after Dick as he cantered down the slope. It was seldom poor Andy was + angry—but he felt a strong sense of indignation choking him as + Dick's parting words still rung in his ears. “What does he mane?” said + Andy, talking aloud; “what does he mane?” he repeated, anxious to doubt + and therefore question the obvious construction which Dick's words bore. + “Misther Dick is fond of a joke, and maybe this is one of his making; but + if it is, 't is not a fair one, 'pon my sowl: a poor man has his feelin's + as well as a rich man. How would you like your own wife to be spoke of + that way, Misther Dick, as proud as you ride your horse there—humph?” + </p> + <p> + Andy, in great indignation, pursued his way towards his mother's cabin to + ask her blessing upon his marriage. On his presenting himself there, both + the old woman and Oonah were in great delight at witnessing his safe + return; Oonah particularly, for she, feeling that it was for her sake Andy + placed himself in danger, had been in a state of great anxiety for the + result of the adventure, and, on seeing him, absolutely threw herself into + his arms, and embraced him tenderly, impressing many a hearty kiss upon + his lips, between whiles that she vowed she would never forget his + generosity and courage, and ending with saying there was <i>nothing</i> + she would not do for him. + </p> + <p> + Now Andy was flesh and blood like other people, and as the showers of + kisses from Oonah's ripe lips fell fast upon him he was not insensible to + the embrace of so very pretty a girl—a girl, moreover, he had always + had a “sneaking kindness” for, which Oonah's distance of manner alone had + hitherto made him keep to himself; but now, when he saw her eyes beam + gratitude, and her cheek flush, after her strong demonstration of regard, + and heard her last words, so <i>very</i> like a hint to a shy man, it must + be owned a sudden pang shot through poor Andy's heart, and he sickened at + the thought of being married, which placed the tempting prize before him + hopelessly beyond his reach. + </p> + <p> + He looked so blank, and seemed so unable to return Oonah's fond greeting, + that she felt the pique which every pretty woman experiences who fancies + her favours disregarded, and thought Andy the stupidest lout she ever came + across. Turning up her hair, which had fallen down in the excess of her + friendship, she walked out of the cottage, and, biting her disdainful lip, + fairly cried for spite. + </p> + <p> + In the meantime, Andy popped down on his knees before the widow, and said, + “Give me your blessing, mother!” + </p> + <p> + “For what, you omadhawn?” said his mother, fiercely; for her woman's + nature took part with Oonah's feelings, which she quite comprehended, and + she was vexed with what she thought Andy's disgusting insensibility. “For + what should I give you my blessing?” + </p> + <p> + “Bekase I'm marri'd, ma'am.” + </p> + <p> + “What!” exclaimed the mother. “It's not marri'd again you are? You're + jokin' sure.” + </p> + <p> + “Faix, it's no joke,” said Andy, sadly, “I'm marri'd sure enough; so give + us your blessin', anyhow,” cried he, still kneeling. + </p> + <p> + “And who did you <i>dar''</i> for to marry, sir, if I make so bowld to ax, + without <i>my</i> lave or license?” + </p> + <p> + “There was no time for axin', mother—'t was done in a hurry, and I + can't help it, so give us your blessing at once.” + </p> + <p> + “Tell me who is she, before I give you my blessin'?” + </p> + <p> + “<i>Shan More's</i> sister, ma'am.” + </p> + <p> + “What!” exclaimed the widow, staggering back some paces—“Shan More's + sisther, did you say—Bridget <i>rhua</i> [Footnote: Red-haired + Bridget.] is it?” + </p> + <p> + “Yis, ma'am.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, wirrasthru!—plillelew!—millia murther!” shouted the + mother, tearing her cap off her head,—“Oh blessed Vargin, holy St. + Dominick, Pether an' Paul the 'possel, what'll I do?—Oh, patther an' + ave—you dirty <i>bosthoon</i>—blessed angels and holy + marthyrs!—kneelin' there in the middle o' the flure as if nothing + happened—look down on me this day, a poor vartuous <i>dissolute</i> + woman!—Oh, you disgrace to me and all belonging to you,—and is + it the impidence to ask my blessin' you have, when it's a whippin' at the + cart's tail you ought to get, you shameless scapegrace?” + </p> + <p> + She then went wringing her hands, and throwing them upwards in appeals to + Heaven, while Andy still kept kneeling in the middle of the cabin, lost in + wonder. + </p> + <p> + The widow ran to the door and called Oonah in. + </p> + <p> + “Who do you think that blackguard is marri'd to?” said the widow. + </p> + <p> + “Married!” exclaimed Oonah, growing pale. + </p> + <p> + “Ay, marri'd, and who to, do you think?—Why to Bridget <i>rhua</i>.” + </p> + <p> + Oonah screamed and clasped her hands. + </p> + <p> + Andy got up at last, and asked what they were making such a rout about; he + wasn't the first man who married without asking his mother's leave; and + wanted to know what they had to “say agen it.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, you barefaced scandal o' the world!” cried the widow, “to ax sitch a + question—to marry a thrampin' sthreel like that—a great + red-headed jack—” + </p> + <p> + “She can't help her hair,” said Andy. + </p> + <p> + “I wish I could cut it off, and her head along with it, the sthrap! Oh, + blessed Vargin! to have my daughter-in-law—” + </p> + <p> + “What?” said Andy, getting rather alarmed. + </p> + <p> + “That all the country knows is—” + </p> + <p> + “What?” cried Andy. + </p> + <p> + “Not a fair nor a market-town doesn't know her as well as—Oh, wirra! + wirra!” + </p> + <p> + “Why you don't mane to say anything agen her charackther, do you?” said + Andy. + </p> + <p> + “Charakther, indeed!” said his mother, with a sneer. + </p> + <p> + “By this an' that,” said Andy, “if she was the child unborn she couldn't + make a greater hullabaloo about her charakther than she did the mornin' + afther.” + </p> + <p> + “Afther what?” said his mother. + </p> + <p> + “Afther I was tuk away up to the hill beyant, and found her there, and—but + I b'lieve I didn't tell you how it happened.” + </p> + <p> + “No,” said Oonah, coming forward, deadly pale, and listening anxiously, + with a look of deep pity in her soft eyes. + </p> + <p> + Andy then related his adventure as the reader already knows it; and when + it was ended, Oonah burst into tears and in passionate exclamations blamed + herself for all that had happened, saying it was in the endeavour to save + her that Andy had lost himself. + </p> + <p> + “Oh, Oonah! Oonah!” said Andy, with more meaning in his voice than the + girl had ever heard before, “it isn't the loss of myself I mind, but I've + lost <i>you</i> too. Oh, if you had ever given me a tendher word or look + before this day, 't would never have happened, and that desaiver in the + hills never could have <i>deludhered me</i>. And tell me, <i>lanna machree</i>, + is my suspicions right in what I hear—tell me the worst at oncet—is + she <i>non compos</i>?” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, I never heerd her called by that name before,” sobbed Oonah, “but she + has a great many others just as bad.” + </p> + <p> + “Ow! ow! ow!” exclaimed Andy. “Now I know what Misther Dick laughed at; + well, death before dishonour—I'll go 'list for a sojer, and never + live with her!” + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0023" id="link2HCH0023"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XLIV + </h2> + <p> + It has been necessary in an earlier chapter to notice the strange freaks + madness will sometimes play. It was then the object to show how strong + affections of the mind will recall an erring judgment to its true balance; + but, the action of the counterpoise growing weaker by time, the disease + returns, and reason again kicks the beam. Such was the old dowager's case: + the death of her son recalled her to herself; but a few days produced + relapse, and she was as foolish as ever. Nevertheless, as Polonius remarks + of Hamlet, + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + “There is method in his madness;” + </pre> + <p> + so in the dowager's case there was method—not of a sane intention, + as the old courtier implies of the Danish Prince, but of <i>in</i>sane + birth—begot of a chivalrous feeling on an enfeebled mind. + </p> + <p> + To make this clearly understood it is necessary to call attention to one + other peculiarity of madness,—that, while it makes those under its + influence liable to say and enact all sorts of nonsense on some subjects, + it never impairs their powers of observation on those which chance to come + within the reach of the un-diseased portion of the mind; and moreover, + they are quite as capable of arriving at just conclusions upon what they + <i>so</i> see and hear, as the most reasonable person, and, perhaps, in + proportion as the reasoning power is limited within a smaller compass, so + the capability of observation becomes stronger by being concentrated. + </p> + <p> + Such was the case with the old dowager, who, while Furlong was “doing + devotion” to Augusta, and appeared the pink of faithful swains, saw very + clearly that Furlong did not like it a bit, and would gladly be off his + bargain. Yea, while the people in their sober senses on the same plane + with the parties were taken in, the old lunatic, even from the toppling + height of her own mad chimney-pot, could look down and see that Furlong + would not marry Augusta if he could help it. + </p> + <p> + It <i>was</i> even so. Furlong had acted under the influence of terror + when poor Augusta, shoved into his bedroom through the devilment of that + rascally imp, Ratty, and found there, through the evil destiny of Andy, + was flung into his arms by her enraged father, and accepted as his wife. + The immediate hurry of the election had delayed the marriage—the + duel and its consequences further interrupted “the happy event”—and + O'Grady's death caused a further postponement. It was delicately hinted to + Furlong, that when matters had gone so far as to the wedding-dresses being + ready, that the sooner the contracting parties under such circumstances + were married, the better. But Furlong, with that affectation of propriety + which belongs to his time-serving tribe, pleaded the “regard to + appearances”—“so soon after the ever-to-be-deplored event,”—and + other such specious excuses, which were but covers to his own rascality, + and used but to postpone the “wedding-day.” The truth was, the moment + Furlong had no longer the terrors of O'Grady's pistol before his eyes, he + had resolved never to take so bad a match as that with Augusta appeared to + be—indeed was, as far as regarded money; though Furlong should only + have been too glad to be permitted to mix his plebeian blood with the + daughter of a man of high family, whose crippled circumstances and + consequent truckling conduct had reduced him to the wretched necessity of + making <i>such a cur</i> as Furlong the inmate of his house. But so it + was. + </p> + <p> + The family began at last to suspect the real state of the case, and all + were surprised except the old dowager; she had expected what was coming, + and had prepared herself for it. All her pistol practice was with a view + to call Furlong to the “last arbitrament” for this slight to her house. + Gusty was too young, she considered, for the duty; therefore she, in her + fantastic way of looking at the matter, looked upon <i>herself</i> as the + head of the family, and, as such, determined to resent the affront put + upon it. + </p> + <p> + But of her real design the family at Neck-or-Nothing Hall had not the + remotest notion. Of course, an old lady going about with a pistol, + powder-flask, and bullets, and practising on the trunks of the trees in + the park, could not pass without observation, and surmises there were on + the subject; then her occasional exclamation of “Tremble, villain!” would + escape her; and sometimes in the family circle, after sitting for a while + in a state of abstraction, she would lift her attenuated hand armed with a + knitting-needle or a ball of worsted, and assuming the action of poising a + pistol, execute a smart <i>click</i> with her tongue, and say, “I hit him + that time.” + </p> + <p> + These exclamations, indicative of vengeance, were supposed at length by + the family to apply to Edward O'Connor, but excited pity rather than + alarm. When, however, one morning, the dowager was nowhere to be found, + and Ratty and the pistols had also disappeared, an inquiry was instituted + as to the old lady's whereabouts, and Mount Eskar was one of the first + places where she was sought, but without success; and all other inquiries + were equally unavailing. + </p> + <p> + The old lady had contrived, with that cunning peculiar to insane people, + to get away from the house at an early hour in the morning, unknown to all + except Ratty, to whom she confided her intention, and he managed to get + her out of the domain unobserved, and thence together they proceeded to + Dublin in a post-chaise. It was the day after this secret expedition was + undertaken that Mr. Furlong was sitting in his private apartment at the + Castle, doing “the state some service” by reading the morning papers, + which heavy official duty he relieved occasionally by turning to some + scented notes which lay near a morocco writing-case, whence they had been + drawn by the lisping dandy to flatter his vanity. He had been carrying on + a correspondence with an anonymous fair one, in whose heart, if her words + might be believed, Furlong had made desperate havoc. + </p> + <p> + It happened, however, that these notes were all fictitious, being the work + of Tom Loftus, who enjoyed playing on a puppy as much as playing on the + organ; and he had the satisfaction of seeing Furlong going through his + paces in certain squares he had appointed, wearing a flower of Tom's + choice and going through other antics which Tom had demanded under the + signature of “Phillis,” written in a delicate hand on pink satin + note-paper with a lace border; one of the last notes suggested the + possibility of a visit from the lady, and, after assurances of “secrecy + and honour” had been returned by Furlong, he was anxiously expecting “what + would become of it;” and filled with pleasing reflections of what “a devil + of a fellow” he was among the ladies, he occasionally paced the room + before a handsome dressing-glass (with which his apartment was always + furnished), and ran his fingers through his curls with a complacent smile. + While thus occupied, and in such a frame of mind, the hall messenger + entered the apartment, and said a lady wished to see him. + </p> + <p> + “A lady!” exclaimed Furlong, in delighted surprise. + </p> + <p> + “She won't give her name, sir, but—” + </p> + <p> + “Show her up! show her up!” exclaimed the Lothario, eagerly. + </p> + <p> + All anxiety, he awaited the appearance of his donna; and quite a donna she + seemed, as a commanding figure, dressed in black, and enveloped in a rich + veil of the same, glided into the room. + </p> + <p> + “How vewy Spanish!” exclaimed Furlong, as he advanced to meet his + incognita, who, as soon as she entered, locked the door, and withdrew the + key. + </p> + <p> + “Quite pwactised in such secwet affairs,” said Furlong slily. “Fai' lady, + allow me to touch you' fai' hand, and lead you to a seat.” + </p> + <p> + The mysterious stranger made no answer; but lifting her long veil, turned + round on the lisping dandy, who staggered back, when the dowager O'Grady + appeared before him, drawn up to her full height, and anything but an + agreeable expression in her eye. She stalked up towards him, something in + the style of a spectre in a romance, which she was not very unlike; and as + she advanced, he retreated, until he got the table between him and this + most unwelcome apparition. + </p> + <p> + “I am come,” said the dowager, with an ominous tone of voice. + </p> + <p> + “Vewy happy of the hono', I am sure, Mistwess O'Gwady,” faltered Furlong. + </p> + <p> + “The avenger has come.” Furlong opened his eyes. “I have come to wash the + stain!” said she, tapping her fingers in a theatrical manner on the table, + and, as it happened, she pointed to a large blotch of ink on the + table-cover. Furlong opened his eyes wider than ever, and thought this the + queerest bit of madness he ever heard of; however, thinking it best to + humour her, he answered, “Yes, it was a little awkwa'dness of mine—I + upset the inkstand the othe' day.” + </p> + <p> + “Do you mock me, sir?” said she, with increasing bitterness. + </p> + <p> + “La, no! Mistwess O'Gwady.” + </p> + <p> + “I have come, I say, to wash out in your blood the stain you have dared to + put on the name of O'Grady.” + </p> + <p> + Furlong gasped with mingled amazement and fear. + </p> + <p> + “Tremble, villain!” she said; and she pointed toward him her long + attenuated finger with portentous solemnity. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0007" id="linkimage-0007"></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:80%"> + <img src="images/challenge.jpg" alt="The Challenge" width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + “I weally am quite at a loss, Mistwess O'Gwady, to compwehend—” + </p> + <p> + Before he could finish his sentence, the dowager had drawn from the depths + of her side-pockets a brace of pistols, and presenting them to Furlong, + said, “Be at a loss no longer, except the loss of life which may ensue: + take your choice of weapons, sir.” + </p> + <p> + “Gwacious Heaven!” exclaimed Furlong, trembling from head to foot. + </p> + <p> + “You won't choose, then?” said the dowager. “Well, there's one for you;” + and she laid a pistol before him with as courteous a manner as if she were + making him a birthday present. + </p> + <p> + Furlong stared down upon it with a look of horror. + </p> + <p> + “Now we must toss for choice of ground,” said the dowager. “I have no + money about me, for I paid my last half-crown to the post-boy, but this + will do as well for a toss as anything else;” and she laid her hands on + the dressing-glass as she spoke. “Now the call shall be 'safe,' or + 'smash;' whoever calls 'safe,' if the glass comes down unbroken, has the + choice, and <i>vice versâ</i>. I call first—'<i>Smash</i>,'” said + the dowager, as she flung up the dressing-glass, which fell in shivers on + the floor. “I have won,” said she; “oblige me, sir, by standing in that + far corner. I have the light in my back—and you will have something + else in yours before long; take your ground, sir.” + </p> + <p> + Furlong, finding himself thus cooped up with a mad woman, in an agony of + terror suddenly bethought himself of instances he had heard of escape, + under similar circumstances, by coinciding to a certain extent with the + views of the insane people, and suggested to the dowager that he hoped she + would not insist on a duel without their having a “friend” present. + </p> + <p> + “I beg your pardon, sir,” said the old lady: “I quite forgot that form, in + the excitement of the moment, though I have not overlooked the necessity + altogether, and have come provided with one.” + </p> + <p> + “Allow me to wing for him,” said Furlong, rushing to the bell. + </p> + <p> + “Stop!” exclaimed the dowager, levelling her pistol at the bell-pull; + “touch it, and you are a dead man!” + </p> + <p> + Furlong stood riveted to the spot where his rush had been arrested. + </p> + <p> + “No interruption, sir, till this little affair is settled. Here is my + friend,” she added, putting her hand into her pocket and pulling out the + wooden cuckoo of her clock. “My little bird, sir, will see fair between + us;” and she perched the painted wooden thing, with a bit of feather + grotesquely sticking up out of its nether end, on the morocco letter-case. + </p> + <p> + “Oh, Lord!” said Furlong. + </p> + <p> + “He's a gentleman of the nicest honour, sir!” said the dowager, pacing + back to the window. + </p> + <p> + Furlong took advantage of the opportunity of her back being turned, and + rushed at the bell, which he pulled with great fury. + </p> + <p> + The dowager wheeled round with haste. “So you have rung,” said she, “but + it shall not avail you—the door is locked; take your weapon, sir,—quick!—what!—a + coward!” + </p> + <p> + “Weally, Mistwess O'Gwady, I cannot think of deadly arbitrament with a + lady.” + </p> + <p> + “Less would you like it with a man, <i>poltroon</i>!” said she, with an + exaggerated expression of contempt in her manner. “However,” she added, + “if you <i>are</i> a coward, you shall have a coward's punishment.” She + went to a corner where stood a great variety of handsome canes, and laying + hold of one, began soundly to thrash Furlong, who feared to make any + resistance or attempt to disarm her of the cane, for the pistol was yet in + her other hand. + </p> + <p> + The bell was answered by the servant, who, on finding the door locked, and + hearing the row inside, began to knock and inquire loudly what was the + matter. The question was more loudly answered by Furlong, who roared out, + “Bweak the door! bweak the door!” interlarding his directions with cries + of “mu'der!” + </p> + <p> + The door at length was forced, Furlong rescued, and the old lady separated + from him. She became perfectly calm the moment other persons appeared, and + was replacing the pistols in her pocket, when Furlong requested the + “dweadful weapons” might be seized. The old lady gave up the pistols very + quietly, but laid hold of her bird and put it back into her pocket. + </p> + <p> + “This is a dweadful violation!” said Furlong, “and my life is not safe + unless she is bound ove' to keep the peace.” + </p> + <p> + “Pooh! pooh!” said one of the gentlemen from the adjacent office, who came + to the scene on hearing the uproar, “binding over an old lady to keep the + peace—nonsense!” + </p> + <p> + “I insist upon it,” said Furlong, with that stubbornness for which fools + are so remarkable. + </p> + <p> + “Oh—very well!” said the sensible gentleman, who left the room. + </p> + <p> + A party, pursuant to Furlong's determination, proceeded to the head + police-office close by the Castle, and a large mob gathered as they went + down Cork-hill and followed them to Exchange-court, where they crowded + before them in front of the office, so that it was with difficulty the + principals could make their way through the dense mass. + </p> + <p> + At length, however, they entered the office; and when Major Sir heard any + gentleman attached to the Government wanted his assistance, of course he + put any other case aside, and had the accuser and accused called up before + him. + </p> + <p> + Furlong made his charge of assault and battery, with intent to murder, + &c., &c. “Some mad old rebel, I suppose,” said Major Sir. “Do you + remember '98, ma'am?” said the major. + </p> + <p> + “Indeed I do, sir—and I remember <i>you</i> too: Major Sir I have + the honour to address, if I don't mistake.” + </p> + <p> + “Yes, ma'am. What then?” + </p> + <p> + “I remember well in '98 when you were searching for rebels, you thought a + man was concealed in a dairy-yard in the neighbourhood of my mother's + house, major, in Stephen's Green; and you thought he was hid in a + hay-rick, and ordered your sergeant to ask for the loan of a spit from my + mother's kitchen to probe the haystack.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh! then, madam, your mother was <i>loyal</i>, I suppose.” + </p> + <p> + “Most loyal, sir.” + </p> + <p> + “Give the lady a chair,” said the major. + </p> + <p> + “Thank you, I don't want it—but, major, when you asked for the spit, + my mother thought you were going to practise one of your delightfully + ingenious bits of punishment, and asked the sergeant <i>who it was you + were going to roast</i>?” + </p> + <p> + The major grew livid on the bench where he sat, at this awkward + reminiscence of one of his friends, and a dead silence reigned through the + crowded office. He recovered himself, however, and addressed Mrs. O'Grady + in a mumbling manner, telling her she must give security to keep the + peace, herself—and find friends as sureties. On asking her had she + any friends to appear for her, she declared she had. + </p> + <p> + “A gentleman of the nicest honour, sir,” said the dowager, pulling her + cuckoo from her pocket, and holding it up in view of the whole office. + </p> + <p> + A shout of laughter, of course, followed. The affair became at once + understood in its true light; a mad old lady—a paltry coward—&c., + &c. Those who know the excitability and fun of an Irish mob will not + wonder that, when the story got circulated from the office to the crowd + without, which it did with lightning rapidity, the old lady, on being + placed in a hackney-coach which was sent for, was hailed with a chorus of + “Cuckoo!” by the multitude, one half of which ran after the coach as long + as they could keep pace with it, shouting forth the spring-time call, and + the other half followed Furlong to the Castle, with hisses and other more + articulate demonstrations of their contempt. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0024" id="link2HCH0024"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XLV + </h2> + <p> + The fat and fair Widow Flanagan had, at length, given up shilly-shallying, + and yielding to the fervent entreaties of Tom Durfy, had consented to name + the happy day. She <i>would</i> have some little ways of her own about it, + however, and instead of being married in the country, insisted on the + nuptial knot being tied in Dublin. Thither the widow repaired with her + swain to complete the stipulated time of residence within some + metropolitan parish before the wedding could take place. In the meanwhile + they enjoyed all the gaiety the capital presented, the time glided swiftly + by, and Tom was within a day of being made a happy man, when, as he was + hastening to the lodgings of the fair widow, who was waiting with her + bonnet and shawl on to be escorted to the botanical gardens at Glasnevin, + he was accosted by an odd-looking person of somewhat sinister aspect. + </p> + <p> + “I believe I have the honour of addressing Mister Durfy, sir?” Tom + answered in the affirmative. “<i>Thomas</i> Durfy, Esquire, I think, sir?” + </p> + <p> + “Yes.” + </p> + <p> + “This is for you, sir,” he said, handing Tom a piece of dirty printed + paper, and at the same time laying his hand on Tom's shoulder and + executing a smirking sort of grin, which he meant to be the pattern of + politeness, added, “You'll excuse me, sir, but I arrest you under a + warrant from the High Sheriff of the city of Dublin; always sorry, sir, + for a gintleman in defficulties, but it's my duty.” + </p> + <p> + “You're a bailiff, then?” said Tom. + </p> + <p> + “Sir,” said the bum, + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + “'Honour and shame from no condition rise; + Act well your part—there all the honour lies.'” + </pre> + <p> + “I meant no offence,” said Tom. “I only meant—” + </p> + <p> + “I understand, sir—I understand. These little defficulties startles + gintlemen at first—you've not been used to arrest, I see, sir?” + </p> + <p> + “Never in my life did such a thing happen before,” said Tom. “I live + generally, thank God, where a bailiff daren't show his face.” + </p> + <p> + “Ah, sir,” said the bailiff with a grin, “them rustic habits betrays the + children o' nature often when they come to town; but we are <i>so + fisticated</i> here in the metropolis, that we lay our hands on strangers + aisy. But you'd better not stand in the street, sir, or people will + understand it's an arrest, sir; and I suppose you wouldn't like the + exposure. I can simperise in a gintle-man's feelings, sir. If you walk + aisy on, sir, and don't attempt to escape or rescue, I'll keep a + gentlemanlike distance.” + </p> + <p> + Tom walked on in great perplexity for a few steps, not knowing what to do. + The hour of his rendezvous had struck; he knew how impatient of neglect + the widow always was; he at one moment thought of asking the bailiff to + allow him to proceed to her lodgings at once, there boldly to avow what + had taken place and ask her to discharge the debt; but this his pride + would not allow him to do. As he came to the corner of a street, he got a + tap on the elbow from the bailiff, who, with a jerking motion of his thumb + and a wink, said in a confidential tone to Tom, “Down this street, sir—that's + the way to the <i>pres'n</i> (prison).” + </p> + <p> + “Prison!” exclaimed Tom, halting involuntarily at the word. + </p> + <p> + “Shove on, sir—shove on!” hastily repeated the sheriff's officer, + urging his orders by a nudge or two on Tom's elbow. + </p> + <p> + “Don't shove me, sir!” said Tom, rather angrily, “or by G—” + </p> + <p> + “Aisy, sir—aisy!” said the bailiff; “though I feel for the + defficulties of a gintleman, the caption must be made, sir. If you don't + like the pris'n, I have a nice little room o' my own, sir, where you can + wait, for a small consideration, until you get bail.” + </p> + <p> + “I'll go there, then,” said Tom. “Go through as private streets as you + can.” + </p> + <p> + “Give me half-a-guinea for my trouble, sir, and I'll ambulate you through + lanes every <i>fut</i> o' the way.” + </p> + <p> + “Very well,” said Tom. + </p> + <p> + They now struck into a shabby street, and thence wended through stable + lanes, filthy alleys, up greasy broken steps, through one close, and down + steps in another—threaded dark passages whose debouchures were + blocked up with posts to prevent vehicular conveyance, the accumulated + dirt of years sensible to the tread from its lumpy unevenness, and the + stagnant air rife with pestilence. Tom felt increasing disgust at every + step he proceeded, but anything to him appeared better than being seen in + the public streets in such company; for, until they got into these + labyrinths of nastiness, Tom thought he saw in the looks of every + passer-by, as plainly told as if the words were spoken, “There goes a + fellow under the care of the bailiff.” In these by-ways, he had not any + objection to speak to his companion, and for the first time asked him what + he was arrested for. + </p> + <p> + “At the suit of Mr. M'Kail, sir.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh! the tailor?” said Tom. + </p> + <p> + “Yes, sir,” said the bailiff. “And if you would not consider it trifling + with the feelings of a gintleman in defficulties, I would make the playful + observation, sir, that it's quite in character to be arrested at the <i>suit</i> + of a tailor. He! he! he!” + </p> + <p> + “You're a wag, I see,” said Tom. + </p> + <p> + “Oh no, sir, only a poetic turn: a small affection I have certainly for + Judy Mot, but my rale passion is the muses. We are not far now, sir, from + my little bower of repose—which is the name I give my humble abode—small, + but snug, sir. You'll see another gintleman there, sir, before you. He is + waitin' for bail these three or four days, sir—can't pay as he ought + for the 'commodation, but he's a friend o' mine, I may almost say, sir—a + litherary gintleman—them litherary gintlemen is always in + defficulties mostly. I suppose you're a litherary gintleman, sir—though + you're rather ginteely dhressed for one?” + </p> + <p> + “No,” said Tom, “I am not.” + </p> + <p> + “I thought you wor, sir, by being acquainted with this other gintleman.” + </p> + <p> + “An acquaintance of mine!” said Tom, with surprise. + </p> + <p> + “Yes, sir. In short it was through him I found out where you wor, sir. I + have had the wret agen you for some time, but couldn't make you off, till + my friend says I must carry a note from him to you.” + </p> + <p> + “Where is the note?” inquired Tom. + </p> + <p> + “Not ready yet, sir. It's po'thry he's writin'—something 'pithy' he + said, and 'lame' too. I dunna how a thing could be pithy and lame + together, but them potes has hard words at command.” + </p> + <p> + “Then you came away without the note?” + </p> + <p> + “Yis, sir. As soon as I found out where you wor stopping I ran off + directly on Mr. M'Kail's little business. You'll excuse the liberty, sir; + but we must all mind our professions; though, indeed, sir, if you b'lieve + me, I'd rather nab a rhyme than a gintleman any day; and if I could get on + the press I'd quit the shoulder-tapping profession.” + </p> + <p> + Tom cast an eye of wonder on the bailiff, which the latter comprehended at + once; for with habitual nimbleness he could nab a man's thoughts as fast + as his person. “I know what you're thinkin', sir—could one of my + profession pursue the muses? Don't think, sir, I mane I could write the + 'laders' or the pollitik'l articles, but the criminal cases, sir—the + robberies and offinces—with the watchhouse cases—together with + a little po'thry now and then. I think I could be useful, sir, and do + better than some of the chaps that pick up their ha'pence that way. But + here's my place, sir—my little bower of repose.” + </p> + <p> + He knocked at the door of a small tumble-down house in a filthy lane, the + one window it presented in front being barred with iron. Some bolts were + drawn inside, and though the man who opened the door was forbidding in his + aspect, he did not refuse to let Tom in. The portal was hastily closed and + bolted after they had entered. The smell of the house was pestilential—the + entry dead dark. + </p> + <p> + “Give me your hand, sir,” said the bailiff, leading Tom forward. They + ascended some creaking stairs, and the bailiff, fumbling for some time + with a key at a door, unlocked it and shoved it open, and then led in his + captive. Tom saw a shabby-genteel sort of person, whose back was towards + him, directing a letter. + </p> + <p> + “Ah, Goggins!” said the writer, “you're come back in the nick of time. I + have finished now, and you may take the letter to Mister Durfy.” + </p> + <p> + “You may give it to him yourself, sir,” replied Goggins, “for here he is.” + </p> + <p> + “Indeed!” said the writer, turning round. + </p> + <p> + “What!” exclaimed Tom Durfy, in surprise; “James Reddy!” + </p> + <p> + “Even so,” said James, with a sentimental air: + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + “'The paths of glory lead but to the grave.' +</pre> + <p> + Literature is a bad trade, my dear Tom!—'tis an ungrateful world—men + of the highest aspirations may lie in gaol for all the world cares; not + that you come within the pale of the worthless ones; this is good-natured + of you to come and see a friend in trouble. You deserve, my dear Tom, that + you should have been uppermost in my thoughts; for here is a note I have + just written to you, enclosing a copy of verses to you on your marriage—in + short, it is an epithalamium.” + </p> + <p> + “That's what I told you, sir,” said Goggins to Tom. + </p> + <p> + “May the divil burn you and your epithalamium!” said Tom Durfy, stamping + round the little room. + </p> + <p> + James Reddy stared in wonder, and Goggins roared, laughing. + </p> + <p> + “A pretty compliment you've paid me, Mister Reddy, this fine morning,” + said Tom; “you tell a bailiff where I live, that you may send your + infernal verses to me, and you get me arrested.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, murder!” exclaimed James. “I'm very sorry, my dear Tom; but, at the + same time, 't is a capital incident! How it would work up in a farce!” + </p> + <p> + “How funny it is!” said Tom in a rage, eyeing James as if he could have + eaten him. “Bad luck to all poetry and poetasters! By the 'tarnal war, I + wish every poet, from Homer down, was put into a mortar and pounded to + death!” + </p> + <p> + James poured forth expressions of sorrow for the mischance; and extremely + ludicrous it was to see one man making apologies for trying to pay his + friend a compliment; his friend swearing at him for his civility, and the + bailiff grinning at them both. + </p> + <p> + In this triangular dilemma we will leave them for the present. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0025" id="link2HCH0025"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XLVI + </h2> + <p> + Edward O'Connor, on hearing from Gustavus of the old dowager's + disappearance from Neck-or-Nothing Hall, joined in the eager inquiries + which were made about her; and <i>his</i> being directed with more method + and judgment than those of others, their result was more satisfactory. He + soon “took up the trail,” to use an Indian phrase, and he and Gusty were + not many hours in posting after the old lady. They arrived in town early + in the morning, and lost no time in casting about for information. + </p> + <p> + One of the first places Edward inquired at was the inn where the + postchaise generally drove to from the house where the old dowager had + obtained her carriage in the country; but there no trace was to be had. + Next, the principal hotels were referred to, but as yet without success; + when, as they turned into one of the leading streets in continuance of + their search, their attention was attracted by a crowd swaying to and fro + in that peculiar manner which indicates there is a fight inside of it. + Great excitement prevailed on the verge of the crowd, where exclamations + escaped from those who could get a peep at the fight. + </p> + <p> + “The little chap has great heart!” cried one. + </p> + <p> + “But the sweep is the biggest,” said another. + </p> + <p> + “Well done, <i>Horish</i>!” [Footnote: The name of a celebrated sweep in + Ireland, whose name is applied to the whole.] cried a blackguard, who + enjoyed the triumph of his fellow. “Bravo! little fellow,” rejoined a + genteel person, who rejoiced in some successful hit of the other + combatant. There is an inherent love in men to see a fight, which Edward + O'Connor shared with inferior men; and if <i>he</i> had not peeped into + the ring, most assuredly Gusty would. What was their astonishment, when + they got a glimpse of the pugilists, to perceive Ratty was one of them—his + antagonist being a sweep, taller by a head, and no bad hand at the “noble + science.” + </p> + <p> + Edward's first impulse was to separate them, but Gusty requested he would + not, saying that he saw by Ratty's eye he was able to “lick the fellow.” + Ratty certainly showed great fight; what the sweep had in superior size + was equalized by the superior “game” of the gentleman-boy, to whom the + indomitable courage of a high-blooded race had descended, and who would + sooner have died than yield. Besides, Ratty was not deficient in the use + of his “bunch of fives,” hit hard for his size, and was very agile: the + sweep sometimes made a rush, grappled, and got a fall; but he never went + in without getting something from Ratty to “remember him,” and was not + always uppermost. At last, both were so far punished, and the combat not + being likely to be speedily ended (for the sweep was no craven), that the + bystanders interfered, declaring that “they ought to be separated,” and + they were. + </p> + <p> + While the crowd was dispersing, Edward called a coach; and before Ratty + could comprehend how the affair was managed, he was shoved into it and + driven from the scene of action. Ratty had a confused sense of hearing + loud shouts—of being lifted somewhere—of directions given—the + rattle of iron steps clinking sharply—two or three fierce bangs of a + door that wouldn't shut, and then an awful shaking, which roused him up + from the corner of the vehicle into which he had fallen in the first + moment of exhaustion. Ratty “shook his feathers,” dragged his hair from + out of his eyes, which were getting very black indeed, and applied his + handkerchief to his nose, which was much in need of that delicate + attention; and when the sense of perfect vision was restored to him, which + was not for some time (all the colours of the rainbow dancing before + Ratty's eyes for many seconds after the fight), what was his surprise to + see Edward O'Connor and Gusty sitting on the opposite seat! + </p> + <p> + It was some time before Ratty could quite comprehend his present + situation; but as soon as he was made sensible of it, and could answer, + the first questions asked of him were about his grandmother. Ratty + fortunately remembered the name of the hotel where she put up, though he + had left it as soon as the old lady proceeded to the Castle—had lost + his way—and got engaged in a quarrel with a sweep in the meantime. + </p> + <p> + The coach was ordered to drive to the hotel named; and how the fight + occurred was the next question. + </p> + <p> + “The sweep was passing by, and I called him 'snow-ball,'” said Ratty; “and + the blackguard returned an impudent answer, and I hit him.” + </p> + <p> + “You had no right to call him 'snow-ball,'” said Edward. + </p> + <p> + “I always called the sweeps 'snow-ball' down at the Hall,” said Ratty, + “and they never answered.” + </p> + <p> + “When you are on your own territory you may say what you please to your + dependents, Ratty, and they dare not answer; or to use a vulgar saying, 'A + cock may crow on his own dunghill.'” + </p> + <p> + “I'm no dunghill cock!” said Ratty, fiercely. + </p> + <p> + “Indeed, you're not,” said Edward, laying his hand kindly on the boy's + shoulder; “you have plenty of courage.” + </p> + <p> + “I'd have licked him,” said Ratty, “if they'd have let me have two or + three rounds more.” + </p> + <p> + “My dear boy, other things are needful in this world besides courage. + Prudence, temper, and forbearance are required; and this may be a lesson + to you, to remember, that, when you get abroad in the world, you are very + little cared about, however great your consequence may be at home; and I + am sure you cannot be proud about your having got into a quarrel <i>with a + sweep</i>.” + </p> + <p> + Ratty made no answer—his blood began to cool—he became every + moment more sensible that he had received heavy blows. His eyes became + more swollen, he snuffled more in his speech, and his blackened condition + altogether, from gutter, soot, and thrashing, convinced him a fight with a + sweep was <i>not</i> an enviable achievement. + </p> + <p> + The coach drew up at the hotel. Edward left Gusty to see about the + dowager, and made an appointment for Gusty to meet him at their own + lodgings in an hour; while he in the interim should call on Dick Dawson, + who was in town on his way to London. + </p> + <p> + Edward shook hands with Ratty and bade him kindly good bye. “You're a + stout fellow, Ratty,” said he, “but remember this old saying, '<i>Quarrelsome + dogs get dirty coats</i>.'” + </p> + <p> + Edward now proceeded to Dick's lodgings, and found him engaged in reading + a note from Tom Durfy, dated from the “Bower of Repose,” and requesting + Dick's aid in his present difficulty. + </p> + <p> + “Here's a pretty kettle of fish,” said Dick: “Tom Durfy, who is engaged to + dine with me to-day to take leave of his bachelor life, as he is going to + be married to-morrow, is arrested, and now in <i>quod</i>, and wants me to + bail him.” + </p> + <p> + “The shortest way is to pay the money at once,” said Edward; “is it much?” + </p> + <p> + “That I don't know; but I have not a great deal about me, and what I have + I want for my journey to London and my expenses there—not but what + I'd help Tom if I could.” + </p> + <p> + “He must not be allowed to remain <i>there</i>, however we manage to get + him out,” said Edward; “perhaps I can help you in the affair.” + </p> + <p> + “You're always a good fellow, Ned,” said Dick, shaking his hand warmly. + </p> + <p> + Edward escaped from hearing any praise of himself by proposing they should + repair at once to the sponging-house, and see how matters stood. Dick + lamented he should be called away at such a moment, for he was just going + to get his wine ready for the party—particularly some champagne, + which he was desirous of seeing well iced; but as he could not wait to do + it himself, he called Andy, to give him directions about it, and set off + with Edward to the relief of Tom Durfy. + </p> + <p> + Andy was once more in service in the Egan family; for the Squire, on + finding him still more closely linked by his marriage with the desperate + party whose influence over Andy was to be dreaded, took advantage of + Andy's disgust against the woman who had entrapped him, and offered to + take him off to London instead of enlisting; and as Andy believed he would + be there sufficiently out of the way of the false Bridget, he came off at + once to Dublin with Dick, who was the pioneer of the party to London. + </p> + <p> + Dick gave Andy the necessary directions for icing the champagne, which he + set apart and pointed out most particularly to our hero, lest he should + make a mistake and perchance ice the port instead. + </p> + <p> + After Edward and Dick had gone, Andy commenced operations according to + orders. He brought a large tub up-stairs containing rough ice, which + excited Andy's wonder, for he never had known till now that ice was + preserved for and applied to such a use, for an ice-house did not happen + to be attached to any establishment in which he had served. + </p> + <p> + “Well, this is the quarest thing I ever heerd of,” said Andy. “Musha! what + outlandish inventions the quolity has among them! They're not contint with + wine, but they must have ice along with it—and in a tub, too!—just + like pigs!—throth it's a dirty thrick, I think. Well, here goes!” + said he; and Andy opened a bottle of champagne, and poured it into the tub + with the ice. “How it fizzes!” said Andy, “Faix, it's almost as lively as + the soda-wather that bothered me long ago. Well, I know more about things + now; sure it's wondherful how a man improves with practice!”—and + another bottle of champagne was emptied into the tub as he spoke. Thus, + with several other complacent comments upon his own proficiency, Andy + poured half-a-dozen of champagne into the tub of ice, and remarked, when + he had finished his work, that he thought it would be “mighty cowld on + their stomachs.” + </p> + <p> + Dick and Edward all this time were on their way to the relief of Tom + Durfy, who, though he had cooled down from the boiling-pitch to which the + misadventure of the morning had raised him, was still <i>simmering</i>, + with his elbows planted on the rickety table in Mr. Goggins' “bower,” and + his chin resting on his clenched hands. It was the very state of mind in + which Tom was most dangerous. + </p> + <p> + At the other side of the table sat James Reddy, intently employed in + writing; his pursed mouth and knitted brows bespoke a labouring state of + thought, and the various crossings, interlinings, and blottings gave + additional evidence of the same, while now and then a rush at a line which + was knocked off in a hurry, with slashing dashes of the pen, and fierce + after-crossings of <i>t's</i>, and determined dottings of <i>i's</i>, + declared some thought suddenly seized, and executed with bitter triumph. + </p> + <p> + “You seem very <i>happy in yourself</i> in what you are writing,” said + Tom. “What is it? Is it another epithalamium?” + </p> + <p> + “It is a caustic article against the successful men of the day,” said + Reddy; “they have no merit, sir—none. 'T is nothing but luck has + placed them where they are, and they ought to be exposed.” He then threw + down his pen as he spoke, and, after a silence of some minutes, suddenly + put this question to Tom: + </p> + <p> + “What do you think of the world?” + </p> + <p> + “'Faith, I think it so pleasant a place,” said Tom, “that I'm confoundedly + vexed at being kept out of it by being locked up here; and that cursed + bailiff is so provokingly free-and-easy—coming in here every ten + minutes, and making himself at home.” + </p> + <p> + “Why, as for that matter, it is his home, you must remember.” + </p> + <p> + “But while a gentleman is here for a period,” said Tom, “this room ought + to be considered his, and that fellow has no business here—and then + his bows and scrapes, and talking about the feelings of a gentleman, and + all that—'t is enough to make a dog beat his father. Curse him! I'd + like to choke him.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh! that's merely his manner,” said James. + </p> + <p> + “Want of manners, you mean,” said Tom. “Hang me, if he comes up to me with + his rascally familiarity again, but I'll kick him down stairs.” + </p> + <p> + “My dear fellow, you are excited,” said Reddy; “don't let these sublunary + trifles ruffle your temper—you see how I bear it; and to recall you + to yourself, I will remind you of the question we started from, 'What do + you think of the world?' There's a general question—a broad + question, upon which one may talk with temper and soar above the petty + grievances of life in the grand consideration of so ample a subject. You + see me here, a prisoner like yourself, but I can talk of <i>the world</i>. + Come, be a calm philosopher, like me! Answer, what do you think of the + world?” + </p> + <p> + “I've told you already,” said Tom; “it's a capital place, only for the + bailiffs.” + </p> + <p> + “I can't agree with you,” said James. “I think it one vast pool of + stagnant wretchedness, where the <i>malaria</i> of injustice holds her + scales suspended, to poison rising talent by giving an undue weight to + existing prejudices.” + </p> + <p> + To this lucid and good-tempered piece of philosophy, Tom could only + answer, “You know I am no poet, and I cannot argue with you but, 'pon my + soul, I <i>have</i> known, and <i>do</i> know, some uncommon good fellows + in the world.” + </p> + <p> + “You're wrong, you're wrong, my unsuspecting friend. 'T is a bad world, + and no place for susceptible minds. Jealousy pursues talent like its + shadow—superiority alone wins for you the hatred of inferior men. + For instance, why am <i>I</i> here? The editor of <i>my</i> paper will not + allow <i>my</i> articles always to appear;—prevents their insertion, + lest the effect they would make would cause inquiry, and tend to <i>my</i> + distinction; and the consequence is, that the paper <i>I</i> came to <i>uphold</i> + in Dublin is deprived of <i>my</i> articles, and <i>I</i> don't get paid; + while <i>I</i> see <i>inferior</i> men, without asking for it, loaded with + favour; <i>they</i> are abroad in affluence, and <i>I</i> in captivity and + poverty. But one comfort is, even in disgrace I can write, and they shall + get a slashing.” + </p> + <p> + Thus spoke the calm philosopher, who gave Tom a lecture on patience. + </p> + <p> + Tom was no great conjuror; but at that moment, like Audrey, “he thanked + the gods he was not poetical.” If there be any one thing more than another + to make an “every-day man” content with his average lot, it is the + exhibition of ambitious inferiority, striving for distinction it can never + attain; just given sufficient perception to desire the glory of success, + without power to measure the strength that can achieve it; like some poor + fly, which beats its head against a pane of glass, seeing the sunshine + beyond, but incapable of perceiving the subtle medium which intervenes—too + delicate for its limited sense to comprehend, but too strong for its + limited power to pass. But though Tom felt satisfaction at that moment, he + had too good feeling to wound the self-love of the vain creature before + him; so, instead of speaking what he thought, viz., “What business have + you to attempt literature, you conceited fool?” he tried to wean him + civilly from his folly by saying, “Then come back to the country, James; + if you find jealous rivals <i>here</i>, you know you were always admired + <i>there</i>.” + </p> + <p> + “No, sir,” said James; “even there my merit was unacknowledged.” + </p> + <p> + “No! no!” said Tom. + </p> + <p> + “Well, underrated, at least. Even there, <i>that</i> Edward O'Connor, + somehow or other, I never could tell why—I never saw his great + talents—but somehow or other, people got it into their heads that he + was clever.” + </p> + <p> + “I tell you what it is,” said Tom, earnestly, “Ned-of-the-Hill has got + into a better place than people's <i>heads</i>—he has got into their + <i>hearts</i>!” + </p> + <p> + “There it is!” exclaimed James, indignantly. “You have caught up the + cuckoo-cry—the heart! Why, sir, what merit is there in writing about + feelings which any common labourer can comprehend? There's no poetry in + that; true poetry lies in a higher sphere, where you have difficulty in + following the flight of the poet, and possibly may not be fortunate enough + to understand him—that's poetry, sir.” + </p> + <p> + “I told you I am no poet,” said Tom; “but all I know is, I have felt my + heart warm to some of Edward's songs, and, by jingo, I have seen the + women's eyes glisten, and their cheeks flush or grow pale, as they have + heard them—and that's poetry enough for me.” + </p> + <p> + “Well, let Mister O'Connor enjoy his popularity, sir, if popularity it may + be called, in a small country circle—let him enjoy it—I don't + envy him <i>his</i>, though I think he was rather jealous about mine.” + </p> + <p> + “Ned jealous!” exclaimed Tom, in surprise. + </p> + <p> + “Yes, jealous; I never heard him say a kind word of any verses I ever + wrote in my life; and I am certain he has most unkind feelings towards + me.” + </p> + <p> + “I tell you what it is,” said Tom, “getting up” a bit; “I told you I don't + understand poetry, but I <i>do</i> understand what's an infinitely better + thing, and that's fine, generous, manly feeling; and if there's a human + being in the world incapable of wronging another in his mind or heart, or + readier to help his fellow-man, it is Edward O'Connor: so say no more, + James, if you please.” + </p> + <p> + Tom had scarcely uttered the last word, when the key was turned in the + door. + </p> + <p> + “Here's that infernal bailiff again!” said Tom, whose irritability, + increased by Reddy's paltry egotism and injustice, was at its + boiling-pitch once more. He planted himself firmly in his chair, and + putting on his fiercest frown, was determined to confront Mister Goggins + with an aspect that should astonish him. + </p> + <p> + The door opened, and Mister Goggins made his appearance, presenting to the + gentlemen in the room the hinder portion of his person, which made several + indications of courtesy performed by the other half of his body, while he + uttered the words, “Don't be astonished, gentlemen; you'll be used to it + by-and-by.” And with these words he kept backing towards Tom, making these + nether demonstrations of civility, till Tom could plainly see the seams in + the back of Mr. Goggins's pantaloons. + </p> + <p> + Tom thought this was some new touch of the “free-and-easy” on Mister + Goggins's part, and, losing all command of himself, he jumped from his + chair, and with a vigorous kick gave Mister Goggins such a lively + impression of his desire that he should leave the room, that Mister + Goggins went head foremost down the stairs, pitching his whole weight upon + Dick Dawson and Edward O'Connor, who were ascending the dark stairs, and + to whom all his bows had been addressed. Overwhelmed with astonishment and + twelve stone of bailiff, they were thrown back into the hall, and an + immense uproar in the passage ensued. + </p> + <p> + Edward and Dick were near coming in for some hard usage from Goggins, + conceiving it might be a preconcerted attempt on the part of his prisoners + and their newly arrived friends to achieve a rescue; and while he was + rolling about on the ground, he roared to his evil-visaged janitor to look + to the door first, and keep him from being “murthered” after. + </p> + <p> + Fortunately no evil consequences ensued, until matters could be explained + in the hall, and Edward and Dick were introduced to the upper room, from + which Goggins had been so suddenly ejected. + </p> + <p> + There the bailiff demanded in a very angry tone the cause of Tom's + conduct; and when it was found to be <i>only</i> a mutual misunderstanding—that + Goggins wouldn't take a liberty with a gentleman “in defficulties” for the + world, and that Tom wouldn't hurt a fly, “only under a mistake”—matters + were cleared up to the satisfaction of all parties, and the real business + of the meeting commenced:—that was to pay Tom's debt out of hand; + and when the bailiff saw all demands, fees included, cleared off, the + clouds from his brow cleared off also, he was the most amiable of + sheriff's officers, and all his sentimentality returned. + </p> + <p> + Edward did not seem quite to sympathise with his amiability, so Goggins + returned to the charge, while Tom and Dick were exchanging a few words + with James Reddy. + </p> + <p> + “You see, sir,” said Goggins, “in the first place, it is quite beautiful + to see the mind in adversity bearing up against the little antediluvian + afflictions that will happen occasionally, and then how fine it is to + remark the spark of generosity that kindles in the noble heart and rushes + to the assistance of the destitute! I do assure you, sir, it is a most + beautiful sight to see the gentlemen in defficulties waitin' here for + their friends to come to their relief, like the last scene in Blue Beard, + where sister Ann waves her han'kerchief from the tower—the tyrant is + slain—and virtue rewarded! + </p> + <p> + “Ah, sir!” said he to Edward O'Connor, whose look of disgust at the + wretched den caught the bailiff's attention, “don't entertain an antifassy + from first imprissions, which is often desaivin'. I do pledge you my + honour, sir, there is no place in the 'varsal world where human nature is + visible in more attractive colours than in this humble retrait.” + </p> + <p> + Edward could not conceal a smile at the fellow's absurdity, though his + sense of the ridiculous could not overcome the disgust with which the + place inspired him. He gave an admonitory touch to the elbow of Dick + Dawson, who, with his friend Tom Durfy, followed Edward from the room, the + bailiff bringing up the rear, and relocking the door on the unfortunate + James Reddy, who was left “alone in his glory,” to finish his slashing + article against the successful men of the day. Nothing more than words of + recognition had passed between Reddy and Edward. In the first place, + Edward's appearance at the very moment the other was indulging in + illiberal observations upon him rendered the ill-tempered poetaster dumb; + and Edward attributed this distance of manner to a feeling of shyness + which Reddy might entertain at being seen in such a place, and therefore + had too much good breeding to thrust his civility on a man who seemed to + shrink from it; but when he left the house he expressed his regret to his + companions at the poor fellow's unfortunate situation. + </p> + <p> + It touched Tom Durfy's heart to hear these expressions of compassion + coming from the lips of the man he had heard maligned a few minutes before + by the very person commiserated, and it raised his opinion higher of + Edward, whose hand he now shook with warm expressions of thankfulness on + his own account, for the prompt service rendered to him. Edward made as + light of his own kindness as he could, and begged Tom to think nothing of + such a trifle. + </p> + <p> + “One word I will say to you, Durfy, and I'm sure you'll pardon me for it.” + </p> + <p> + “Could you say a thing to offend me?” was the answer. + </p> + <p> + “You are to be married soon, I understand?” + </p> + <p> + “To-morrow,” said Tom. + </p> + <p> + “Well, my dear Durfy, if you owe any more money, take a real friend's + advice, and tell your pretty good-hearted widow the whole amount of your + debts before you marry her.” + </p> + <p> + “My dear O'Connor,” said Tom, “the money you've lent me now is all I owe + in the world; 't was a tailor's bill, and I quite forgot it. You know, no + one ever thinks of a tailor's bill. Debts, indeed!” added Tom, with + surprise; “my dear fellow, I never could be much in debt, for the devil a + one would trust me.” + </p> + <p> + “An excellent reason for your unencumbered state,” said Edward, “and I + hope you pardon me.” + </p> + <p> + “Pardon!” exclaimed Tom, “I esteem you for your kind and manly frankness.” + </p> + <p> + In the course of their progress towards Dick's lodgings, Edward reverted + to James Reddy's wretched condition, and found it was but some petty debt + for which he was arrested. He lamented, in common with Dick and Tom, the + infatuation which made him desert a duty he could profitably perform by + assisting his father in his farming concerns, to pursue a literary path, + which could never be any other to him than one of thorns. + </p> + <p> + As Edward had engaged to meet Gusty in an hour, he parted from his + companions and pursued his course alone. But, instead of proceeding + immediately homeward, he retraced his steps to the den of the bailiff and + gave a quiet tap at the door. Mister Goggins himself answered to the + knock, and began a loud and florid welcome to Edward, who stopped his + career of eloquence by laying a finger on his lip in token of silence. A + few words sufficed to explain the motive of his visit. He wished to + ascertain the sum for which the gentleman up-stairs was detained. The + bailiff informed him; and the money necessary to procure the captive's + liberty was placed in his hand. + </p> + <p> + The bailiff cast one of his melodramatic glances at Edward, and said, + “Didn't I tell you, sir, this was the place for calling out the noblest + feelings of human nature?” + </p> + <p> + “Can you oblige me with writing materials?” said Edward. + </p> + <p> + “I can, sir,” said Goggins, proudly, “and with other <i>materials</i> too, + if you like—and 'pon my honour, I'll be proud to drink your health, + for you're a raal gintleman.” [Footnote: The name given in Ireland to the + necessary materials for the compounding of whisky-punch.] + </p> + <p> + Edward, in the civilest manner, declined the offer, and wrote, or rather + tried to write, the following note, with a pen like a skewer, ink + something thicker than mud, and on whity-brown paper:— + </p> + <p> + “DEAR SIR,—I hope you will pardon the liberty I have taken in your + temporary want of money. You can repay me at your convenience. Yours, + </p> + <h3> + “E. O'C.” + </h3> + <p> + Edward left the den, and so did James Reddy soon after—a better man. + Though weak, his heart was not shut to the humanities of life—and + Edward's kindness, in opening his eyes to the wrong he had done <i>one</i> + man, induced in his heart a kinder feeling towards all. He tore up his + slashing article against successful men. Would that every disappointed man + would do the same. + </p> + <p> + The bailiff was right: even so low a den as his becomes ennobled by the + presence of active benevolence and prejudice reclaimed. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0026" id="link2HCH0026"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XLVII + </h2> + <p> + Edward, on returning to his hotel, found Gusty there before him, in great + delight at having seen a “splendid” horse, as he said, which had been + brought for Edward's inspection, he having written a note on his arrival + in town to a dealer stating his want of a first-rate hunter. + </p> + <p> + “He's in the stable now,” said Gusty; “for I desired the man to wait, + knowing you would be here soon.” + </p> + <p> + “I cannot see him now, Gusty,” said Edward: “will you have the kindness to + tell the groom I can look at the horse in his own stables when I wish to + purchase?” + </p> + <p> + Gusty departed to do the message, somewhat in wonder, for Edward loved a + fine horse. But the truth was, Edward's disposable money, which he had + intended for the purchase of a hunter, had a serious inroad made upon it + by the debts he had discharged for other men, and he was forced to forego + the pleasure he had proposed to himself in the next hunting season; and he + did not like to consume any one's time, or raise false expectations, by + affecting to look at disposable property with the eye of a purchaser, when + he knew it was beyond his reach; and the flimsy common-places of “I'll + think of it,” or “If I don't see something better,” or any other of the + twenty hackneyed excuses which idle people make, after consuming busy + men's time, Edward held to be unworthy. He could ride a hack and deny + himself hunting for a whole season, but he would not unnecessarily consume + the useful time of any man for ten minutes. + </p> + <p> + This may be sneered at by the idle and thoughtless; nevertheless, it is a + part of the minor morality which is ever present in the conduct of a true + gentleman. + </p> + <p> + Edward had promised to join Dick's dinner-party on an impromptu + invitation, and the clock striking the appointed hour warned Edward it was + time to be off; so, jumping up on a jaunting car, he rattled off to Dick's + lodgings, where a jolly party was assembled ripe for fun. + </p> + <p> + Amongst the guests was a rather remarkable man, a Colonel Crammer, who had + seen a monstrous deal of service—one of Tom Durfy's friends whom he + had asked leave to bring with him to dinner. Of course, Dick's card and a + note of invitation for the gallant colonel were immediately despatched; + and he had but just arrived before Edward, who found a bustling sensation + in the room as the colonel was presented to those already assembled, and + Tom Durfy giving whispers, aside, to each person touching his friend; such + as—“Very remarkable man”—“Seen great service”—“A little + odd or so”—“A fund of most extraordinary anecdote,” &c., &c. + </p> + <p> + Now this Colonel Crammer was no other than Tom Loftus, whose acquaintance + Dick wished to make, and who had been invited to the dinner after a + preliminary visit; but Tom sent an excuse in his own name, and preferred + being present under a fictitious one—this being one of the odd ways + in which his humour broke out, desirous of giving people a “touch of his + quality” before they knew him. He was in the habit of assuming various + characters; a methodist missionary—the patentee of some unheard-of + invention—the director of some new joint-stock company—in + short, anything which would give him an opportunity of telling tremendous + bouncers was equally good for Tom. His reason for assuming a military + guise on this occasion was to bother Moriarty, whom he knew he should + meet, and held a special reason for tormenting; and he knew he could + achieve this, by throwing all the stories Moriarty was fond of telling + about his own service into the shade, by extravagant inventions of + “hair-breadth 'scapes” and feats by “flood and field.” Indeed, the dinner + would not be worth mentioning but for the extraordinary capers Tom cut on + the occasion, and the unheard-of lies he squandered. + </p> + <p> + Dinner was announced by Andy, and with good appetite soup and fish were + soon despatched; sherry followed as a matter of necessity. The second + course appeared, and was not long under discussion when Dick called for + the “champagne.” + </p> + <p> + Andy began to drag the tub towards the table, and Dick, impatient of + delay, again called “champagne.” + </p> + <p> + “I'm bringin' it to you, sir,” said Andy, tugging at the tub. + </p> + <p> + “Hand it round the table,” said Dick. + </p> + <p> + Andy tried to lift the tub, “to hand it round the table;” but, finding he + could not manage it, he whispered to Dick, “I can't get it up, sir.” + </p> + <p> + Dick, fancying Andy meant he had got a flask not in a sufficient state of + effervescence to expel its own cork, whispered in return, “Draw it, then.” + </p> + <p> + “I was dhrawin' it to you, sir, when you stopped me.” + </p> + <p> + “Well, make haste with it,” said Dick. + </p> + <p> + “Mister Dawson, I'll trouble you for a small slice of the turkey,” said + the colonel. + </p> + <p> + “With pleasure, colonel; but first do me the honour to take champagne. + Andy—champagne!” + </p> + <p> + “Here it is, sir!” said Andy, who had drawn the tub close to Dick's chair. + </p> + <p> + “Where's the wine, sir?” said Dick, looking first at the tub and then at + Andy. “There, sir,” said Andy, pointing down to the ice. “I put the wine + into it, as you towld me.” + </p> + <p> + Dick looked again at the tub, and said, “There is not a single bottle + there—what do you mean, you stupid rascal?” + </p> + <p> + “To be sure, there's no bottle there, sir. The bottles is all on the + sideboord, but every dhrop o' the wine is in the ice, as you towld me, + sir; if you put your hand down into it, you'll feel it, sir.” + </p> + <p> + The conversation between master and man growing louder as it proceeded + attracted the attention of the whole company, and those near the head of + the table became acquainted as soon as Dick with the mistake Andy had + made, and could not resist laughter; and as the cause of their merriment + was told from man to man, and passed round the board, a roar of laughter + uprose, not a little increased by Dick's look of vexation, which at length + was forced to yield to the infectious merriment around him, and he laughed + with the rest, and making a joke of the disappointment, which is the very + best way of passing one off, he said that he had the honour of originating + at his table a magnificent scale of hospitality; for though he had heard + of company being entertained with a whole hogshead of claret, he was not + aware of champagne being ever served in a tub before. The company were too + determined to be merry to have their pleasantry put out of tune by so + trifling a mishap, and it was generally voted that the joke was worth + twice as much as the wine. Nevertheless, Dick could not help casting a + reproachful look now and then at Andy, who had to run the gauntlet of many + a joke cut at his expense, while he waited upon the wags at dinner, and + caught a lowly muttered anathema whenever he passed near Dick's chair. In + short, master and man were both glad when the cloth was drawn, and the + party could be left to themselves. + </p> + <p> + Then, as a matter of course, Dick called on the gentlemen to charge their + glasses and fill high to a toast he had to propose—they would + anticipate to whom he referred—a gentleman who was going to change + his state of freedom for one of a happier bondage, &c., &c. Dick + dashed off his speech with several mirth-moving allusions to the change + that was coming over his friend Tom, and, having festooned his composition + with the proper quantity of “rosy wreaths,” &c., &c., &c., + naturally belonging to such speeches, he wound up with some hearty words—free + from <i>badinage</i>, and meaning all they conveyed, and finished with the + rhyming benediction of a “long life and a good wife” to him. + </p> + <p> + Tom having returned thanks in the same laughing style that Dick proposed + his health, and bade farewell to the lighter follies of bachelorship for + the more serious ones of wedlock, the road was now open for any one who + was vocally inclined. Dick asked one or two, who said they were not within + a bottle of their singing-point yet, but Tom Durfy was sure his friend the + colonel would favour them. + </p> + <p> + “With pleasure,” said the colonel; “and I'll sing something appropriate to + the blissful situation of philandering in which you have been indulging of + late, my friend. I wish I could give you any idea of the song as I heard + it warbled by the voice of an Indian princess, who was attached to me + once, and for whom I ran enormous risks—but no matter—that's + past and gone, but the soft tones of Zulima's voice will ever haunt my + heart! The song is a favourite where I heard it—on the borders of + Cashmere, and is supposed to be sung by a fond woman in the valley of the + nightingales—'tis so in the original, but as we have no nightingales + in Ireland, I have substituted the dove in the little translation I have + made, which, if you will allow me, I'll attempt.” + </p> + <p> + Loud cries of “Hear, hear!” and tapping of applauding hands on the table + followed, while the colonel gave a few preliminary hems; and after some + little pilot tones from his throat, to show the way, his voice ascended in + all the glory of song. + </p> + <h3> + THE DOVE-SONG + </h3> + <h3> + I + </h3> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + “<i>Coo! Coo! Coo! Coo!</i> + Thus did I hear the turtle-dove, + <i>Coo! Coo! Coo!</i> + Murmuring forth her love; + And as she flew from tree to tree, + How melting seemed the notes to me— + <i>Coo! Coo! Coo!</i> + So like the voice of lovers, + 'T was passing sweet to hear + The birds within the covers, + In the spring-time of the year. +</pre> + <h3> + II + </h3> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + “<i>Coo! Coo! Coo! Coo!</i> + Thus the song's returned again— + <i>Coo! Coo! Coo!</i> + Through the shady glen; + But there I wandered lone and sad, + While every bird around was glad. + <i>Coo! Coo! Coo!</i> + Thus so fondly murmured they, + <i>Coo! Coo! Coo!</i> + While <i>my</i> love was away. + And yet the song to lovers, + Though sad, is sweet to hear, + From birds within the covers, + In the spring-time of the year.” + </pre> + <p> + The colonel's song, given with Tom Loftus' good voice, was received with + great applause, and the fellows all voted it catching, and began “cooing” + round the table like a parcel of pigeons. + </p> + <p> + “A translation from an eastern poet, you say?” + </p> + <p> + “Yes,” said Tom. + </p> + <p> + “'T is not very eastern in its character,” said Moriarty. “I mean a <i>free</i> + translation, of course,” added the mock colonel. + </p> + <p> + “Would you favour us with the song again, in the original?” added + Moriarty. + </p> + <p> + Tom Loftus did not know one syllable of any other language than his own, + and it would not have been convenient to talk gibberish to Moriarty, who + had a smattering of some of the eastern tongues; so he declined giving his + Cashmerian song in its native purity, because, as he said, he never could + manage to speak their dialect, though he understood it reasonably well. + </p> + <p> + “But <i>there's</i> a gentleman, I am sure, will sing some other song—and + a better one, I have no doubt,” said Tom, with a very humble prostration + of his head on the table, and anxious by a fresh song to get out of the + dilemma in which Moriarty's question was near placing him. + </p> + <p> + “Not a better, colonel,” said the gentleman who was addressed, “but I + cannot refuse your call, and I will do my best; hand me the port wine, + pray; I always take a glass of port before I sing—I think 't is good + for the throat—what do you say, colonel?” + </p> + <p> + “When I want to sing particularly well,” said Tom, “I drink <i>canary</i>.” + </p> + <p> + The gentleman smiled at the whimsical answer, tossed off his glass of + port, and began. + </p> + <h3> + LADY MINE + </h3> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + “Lady mine! lady mine! + Take the rosy wreath I twine, + All its sweets are less than thine, + Lady, lady mine! + The blush that on thy cheek is found + Bloometh fresh the <i>whole</i> year round; + <i>Thy</i> sweet <i>breath</i> as sweet gives <i>sound</i>, + Lady, lady mine! +</pre> + <h3> + II + </h3> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + “Lady mine! lady mine! + How I love the graceful vine, + Whose tendrils mock thy ringlets' twine, + Lady, lady mine! + How I love that generous tree, + Whose ripe clusters promise me + Bumpers bright,—to pledge to <i>thee</i>, + Lady, lady mine! +</pre> + <h3> + III + </h3> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + “Lady mine! lady mine! + Like the stars that nightly shine, + Thy sweet eyes shed light divine, + Lady, lady mine! + And as sages wise, of old, + From the stars could fate unfold, + Thy bright eyes <i>my</i> fortune told, + Lady, lady mine!” + </pre> + <p> + The song was just in the style to catch gentlemen after dinner—the + second verse particularly, and many a glass was emptied of a “bumper + bright,” and pledged to the particular “<i>thee</i>,” which each + individual had selected for his devotion. Edward, at that moment, + certainly thought of Fanny Dawson. + </p> + <p> + Let teetotallers say what they please, there is a genial influence + inspired by wine and song—not in excess, but in that wholesome + degree which stirs the blood and warms the fancy; and as one raises the + glass to the lip, over which some sweet name is just breathed from the + depth of the heart, what libation so fit to pour to absent friends as + wine? What <i>is</i> wine? It is the grape present in another form; its + essence is there, though the fruit which produced it grew thousands of + miles away, and perished years ago. So the object of many a tender thought + may be spiritually present, in defiance of space—and fond + recollections cherished in defiance of time. + </p> + <p> + As the party became more convivial, the mirth began to assume a broader + form. Tom Durfy drew out Moriarty on the subject of his services, that the + mock colonel might throw every new achievement into the shade; and this he + did in the most barefaced manner, but mixing so much of probability with + his audacious fiction, that those who were not up to the joke only + supposed him to be <i>a very great romancer</i>; while those friends who + were in Loftus' confidence exhibited a most capacious stomach for the + marvellous, and backed up his lies with a ready credence. If Moriarty told + some fearful incident of a tiger hunt, the colonel capped it with + something more wonderful, of slaughtering lions in a wholesale way, like + rabbits. When Moriarty expatiated on the intensity of tropical heat, the + colonel would upset him with something more appalling. + </p> + <p> + “Now, sir,” said Loftus, “let me ask you what is the greatest amount of + heat you have ever experienced—I say <i>experienced</i>, not <i>heard</i> + of—for that goes for nothing. I always speak from experience.” + </p> + <p> + “Well, sir,” said Moriarty, “I have known it to be so hot in India, that I + have had a hole dug in the ground under my tent, and sat in it, and put a + table standing over the hole, to try and guard me from the intolerable + fervour of the eastern sun, and even <i>then</i> I was hot. What do you + say to that, colonel?” asked Moriarty, triumphantly. + </p> + <p> + “Have you ever been in the West Indies?” inquired Loftus. + </p> + <p> + “Never,” said Moriarty, who, once entrapped into this admission, was + directly at the colonel's mercy,—and the colonel launched out + fearlessly. + </p> + <p> + “Then, my good sir, you know nothing of heat. I have seen in the West + Indies an umbrella burned over a man's head.” + </p> + <p> + “Wonderful!” cried Loftus' backers. + </p> + <p> + “'T is strange, sir,” said Moriarty, “that we have never seen that + mentioned by any writer.” + </p> + <p> + “Easily accounted for, sir,” said Loftus. “'T is so common a circumstance, + that it ceases to be worthy of observation. An author writing of this + country might as well remark that the apple-women are to be seen sitting + at the corners of the streets. That's nothing, sir; but there are two + things of which I have personal knowledge, <i>rather</i> remarkable. One + day of intense heat (even for that climate) I was on a visit at the + plantation of a friend of mine, and it was so out-o'-the-way scorching, + that our lips were like cinders, and we were obliged to have black slaves + pouring sangaree down our throats by gallons—I don't hesitate to say + gallons—and we thought we could not have survived through the day; + but what could <i>we</i> think of <i>our</i> sufferings, when we heard + that several negroes, who had gone to sleep under the shade of some + cocoa-nut trees, had been scalded to death?” + </p> + <p> + “Scalded?” said his friends; “burnt, you mean.” + </p> + <p> + “No, scalded; and <i>how</i> do you think? The intensity of the heat had + cracked the cocoa-nuts, and the boiling milk inside dropped down and + produced the fatal result. The same day a remarkable accident occurred at + the battery; the French were hovering round the island at the time, and + the governor, being a timid man, ordered the guns to be always kept + loaded.” + </p> + <p> + “I never heard of such a thing in a battery in my life, sir,” said + Moriarty. + </p> + <p> + “Nor I either,” said Loftus, “till then.” + </p> + <p> + “What was the governor's name, sir?” inquired Moriarty, pursuing his train + of doubt. + </p> + <p> + “You must excuse me, captain, from naming him,” said Loftus, with + readiness, “after <i>incautiously</i> saying he was <i>timid</i>.” + </p> + <p> + “Hear, hear!” said all the friends. + </p> + <p> + “But to pursue my story, sir:—the guns were loaded, and with the + intensity of the heat went off, one after another, and quite riddled one + of his Majesty's frigates that was lying in the harbour.” + </p> + <p> + “That's one of the most difficult riddles to comprehend I ever heard,” + said Moriarty. + </p> + <p> + “The frigate answered the riddle with her guns, sir, I promise you.” + </p> + <p> + “What!” exclaimed Moriarty, “fire on the fort of her own king?” + </p> + <p> + “There is an honest principle exists among sailors, sir, to return fire + under all circumstances, wherever it comes from, friend or foe. Fire, of + which they know the value so well, they won't take from anybody.” + </p> + <p> + “And what was the consequence?” said Moriarty. + </p> + <p> + “Sir, it was the most harmless broadside ever delivered from the ports of + a British frigate; not a single house or human being was injured—the + day was so hot that every sentinel had sunk on the ground in utter + exhaustion—the whole population were asleep; the only loss of life + which occurred was that of a blue macaw, which belonged to the + commandant's daughter.” + </p> + <p> + “Where was the macaw, may I beg to know?” said Moriarty, cross-questioning + the colonel in the spirit of a counsel for the defence on a capital + indictment. + </p> + <p> + “In the drawing-room window, sir.” + </p> + <p> + “Then surely the ball must have done some damage in the house?” + </p> + <p> + “Not the least, sir,” said Loftus, sipping his wine. + </p> + <p> + “Surely, colonel!” returned Moriarty, warming, “the ball could not have + killed the macaw without injuring the house?” + </p> + <p> + “My dear sir,” said Tom, “I did not say the <i>ball</i> killed the macaw, + I said the macaw was killed; but <i>that</i> was in consequence of a + splinter from an <i>epaulement</i> of the south-east angle of the fort + which the shot struck and glanced off harmlessly—except for the + casualty of the macaw.” + </p> + <p> + Moriarty returned a kind of grunt, which implied that, though he could not + further <i>question</i>, he did not <i>believe</i>. Under such + circumstances, taking snuff is a great relief to a man; and, as it + happened, Moriarty, in taking snuff, could gratify his nose and his vanity + at the same time, for he sported a silver-gilt snuff-box which was + presented to him in some extraordinary way, and bore a grand inscription. + </p> + <p> + On this “piece of plate” being produced, of course it went round the + table, and Moriarty could scarcely conceal the satisfaction he felt as + each person read the engraven testimonial of his worth. When it had gone + the circuit of the board, Tom Loftus put his hand into his pocket and + pulled out the butt-end of a rifle, which is always furnished with a small + box, cut out of the solid part of the wood and covered with a plate of + brass acting on a hinge. This box, intended to carry small implements for + the use of the rifleman, to keep his piece in order, was filled with + snuff, and Tom said, as he laid it down on the table, “This is <i>my</i> + snuff-box, gentlemen; not as handsome as my gallant friend's at the + opposite side of the table, but extremely interesting to me. It was + previous to one of our dashing affairs in Spain that our riflemen were + thrown out in front and on the flanks. The rifles were supported by the + light companies of the regiments in advance, and it was in the latter duty + I was engaged. We had to feel our way through a wood, and had cleared it + of the enemy, when, as we debouched from the wood on the opposite side, we + were charged by an overwhelming force of Polish lancers and cuirassiers. + Retreat was impossible—resistance almost hopeless. 'My lads,' said + I, 'we must do something <i>novel</i> here, or we are lost—startle + them by fresh practice—the bayonet will no longer avail you—club + your muskets, and hit the horses over the noses, and they'll smell + danger.' They took my advice; of course we first delivered a withering + volley, and then to it we went in flail-fashion, thrashing away with the + butt-ends of our muskets; and sure enough the French were astonished and + driven back in amazement. So tremendous, sir, was the hitting on our side, + that in many instances the butt-ends of the muskets snapped off like + tobacco-pipes, and the field was quite strewn with them after the affair: + I picked one of them up as a little memento of the day, and have used it + ever since as a snuff-box.” + </p> + <p> + Every one was amused by the outrageous romancing of the colonel but + Moriarty, who looked rather disgusted, because he could not edge in a word + of his own at all; he gave up the thing now in despair, for the colonel + had it all his own way, like the bull in a china-shop; the more startling + the bouncers he told, the more successful were his anecdotes, and he kept + pouring them out with the most astounding rapidity; and though all voted + him the greatest liar they ever met, none suspected he was not a military + man. + </p> + <p> + Dick wanted Edward O'Connor, who sat beside him, to sing; but Edward + whispered, “For Heaven's sake don't stop the flow of the lava from that + mighty eruption of lies!—he's a perfect Vesuvius of mendacity. + You'll never meet his like again, so make the most of him while you have + him. Pray, sir,” said Edward to the colonel, “have you ever been in any of + the cold climates? I am induced to ask you, from the very wonderful + anecdotes you have told of the hot ones.” + </p> + <p> + “Bless you, sir, I know every corner about the north pole.” + </p> + <p> + “In which of the expeditions, may I ask, were you engaged?” inquired + Moriarty. + </p> + <p> + “In none of them, sir. We knocked up a <i>little amateur party</i>, I and + a few curious friends, and certainly we witnessed wonders. You talk here + of a sharp wind; but the wind is so sharp there that it cut off our beard + and whiskers. Boreas is a great barber, sir, with his north pole for a + sign. Then as for frost!—I could tell you such incredible things of + its intensity; our butter, for instance, was as hard as a rock; we were + obliged to knock it off with a chisel and hammer, like a mason at a piece + of granite, and it was necessary to be careful of your eyes at breakfast, + the splinters used to fly about so; indeed, one of the party <i>did</i> + lose the use of his eye from a butter-splinter. But the oddest thing of + all was to watch two men talking to each other: you could observe the + words, as they came out of their mouths, suddenly frozen and dropping down + in little pellets of ice at their feet, so that, after a long + conversation, you might see a man standing up to his knees in his own + eloquence.” + </p> + <p> + They all roared with laughter at this last touch of the marvellous, but + Loftus preserved his gravity. + </p> + <p> + “I don't wonder, gentlemen, at your not receiving that as truth—I + told you it was incredible—in short, that is the reason I have + resisted all temptations to publish. Murray, Longmans, Colburn, Bentley, + ALL the publishers have offered me unlimited terms, but I have always + refused—not that I am a rich man, which makes the temptation of the + thousands I might realise the harder to withstand; 't is not that the gold + is not precious to me, but there is something dearer to me than gold—<i>it + is my character for veracity!</i> and therefore, as I am convinced the + public would not believe the wonders I have witnessed, I confine the + recital of my adventures to the social circle. But what profession affords + such scope for varied incident as that of the soldier? Change of clime, + danger, vicissitude, love, war, privation one day, profusion the next, + darkling dangers, and sparkling joys! Zounds! there's nothing like the + life of a soldier! and, by the powers! I'll give you a song in its + praise.” + </p> + <p> + The proposition was received with cheers, and Tom rattled away these + ringing rhymes— + </p> + <h3> + THE BOWLD SOJER BOY + </h3> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + “Oh there's not a trade that's going + Worth showing, + Or knowing, + Like that from glory growing, + For a bowld sojer boy; + Where right or left we go, + Sure you know, + Friend or foe + Will have the hand or toe + From a bowld sojer boy! + There's not a town we march thro', + But the ladies, looking arch thro' + The window-panes, will search thro' + The ranks to find their joy; + While up the street, + Each girl you meet, + Will look so sly, + Will cry + 'My eye! + Oh, isn't he a darling, the bowld sojer boy!' +</pre> + <h3> + II + </h3> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + “But when we get the route, + How they pout + And they shout + While to the right about + Goes the bowld sojer boy. + Oh, 'tis then that ladies fair + In despair + Tear their hair, + But 'the divil-a-one I care,' + Says the bowld sojer boy. + For the world is all before us, + Where the landladies adore us, + And ne'er refuse to score us, + But chalk us up with joy; + We taste her tap, + We tear her cap'— + 'Oh, that's the chap + For me!' + Says she; + 'Oh, isn't he a darling, the bowld sojer boy.' +</pre> + <h3> + III + </h3> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + “'Then come along with me, + Gramachree, + And you'll see + How happy you will be + With your bowld sojer boy; + 'Faith! if you're up to fun, + With me run; + 'T will be done + In the snapping of a gun,' + Says the bowld sojer boy; + 'And 't is then that, without scandal, + Myself will proudly dandle + The little farthing candle + Of our mutual flame, my joy! + May his light shine + As bright as mine, + Till in the line + He'll blaze, + And raise + The glory of his corps, like a bowld sojer boy!'” + </pre> + <p> + Andy entered the room while the song was in progress, and handed a letter + to Dick, which, after the song was over, and he had asked pardon of his + guests, he opened. + </p> + <p> + “By Jove! you sing right well, colonel,” said one of the party. + </p> + <p> + “I think the gallant colonel's songs nothing in comparison with his <i>wonderful</i> + stories,” said Moriarty. + </p> + <p> + “Gentlemen,” said Dick, “wonderful as the colonel's recitals have been, + this letter conveys a piece of information more surprising than anything + we have heard this day. That stupid fellow who spoiled our champagne has + come in for the inheritance of a large property.” + </p> + <p> + “What!—Handy Andy?” exclaimed those who knew his name. + </p> + <p> + “Handy Andy,” said Dick, “is now a man of fortune!” + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0027" id="link2HCH0027"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XLVIII + </h2> + <p> + It was a note from Squire Egan which conveyed the news to Dick that caused + so much surprise; the details of the case were not even hinted at; the + bare fact alone was mentioned, with a caution to preserve it still a + secret from Andy, and appointing an hour for dinner at “Morrison's” next + day, at which hotel the Squire expected to arrive from the country, with + his lady and Fanny Dawson, <i>en route</i> for London. Till dinner-time, + then, the day following, Dick was obliged to lay by his impatience as to + the “why and wherefore” of Andy's sudden advancement; but, as the morning + was to be occupied with Tom Durfy's wedding, Dick had enough to keep him + engaged in the meantime. + </p> + <p> + At the appointed hour a few of Tom's particular friends were in attendance + to witness the ceremony, or, to use their own phrase, “to see him turned + off,” and among them was Tom Loftus. Dick was holding out his hand to “the + colonel,” when Tom Durfy stepped between, and introduced him under his + real name. The masquerading trick of the night before was laughed at, with + an assurance from Dick that it only fulfilled all he had ever heard of the + Protean powers of a gentleman whom he so much wished to know. A few + minutes' conversation in the recess of a window put Tom Loftus and Dick + the Devil on perfectly good terms, and Loftus proposed to Dick that they + should execute the old-established trick on a bridegroom, of snatching the + first kiss from the bride. + </p> + <p> + “You must get in Tom's way,” said Loftus, “and I'll kiss her.” + </p> + <p> + “Why, the fact is,” said Dick, “I had proposed that pleasure to myself; + and, if it's all the same to you, <i>you</i> can jostle Tom, and <i>I'll</i> + do the remainder in good style, I promise you.” + </p> + <p> + “That I can't agree to,” said Loftus; “but as it appears we both have set + our heart on cheating the bridegroom, let us both start fair, and 't is + odd if between us Tom Durfy is not <i>done</i>” + </p> + <p> + This was agreed upon, and many minutes did not elapse till the bride made + her appearance, and “hostilities were about to commence.” The mutual enemy + of the “high contracting parties” first opened his book, and then his + mouth, and in such solemn tones, that it was enough to frighten <i>even</i> + a widow, much less a bachelor. As the ceremony verged to a conclusion, Tom + Loftus and Dick the Devil edged up towards their 'vantage-ground on either + side of the blooming widow, now nearly finished into a wife, and stood + like greyhounds in the slip, ready to start after puss (only puss ought to + be spelt here with a B). The widow, having been married before, was less + nervous than Durfy, and, suspecting the intended game, determined to foil + both the brigands, who intended to rob the bridegroom of his right; so, + when the last word of the ceremony was spoken, and Loftus and Dick made a + simultaneous dart upon her, she very adroitly ducked, and allowed the two + “ruggers and rievers” to rush into each other's arms, and rub their noses + together, while Tom Durfy and his blooming bride sealed their contract + very agreeably without their noses getting in each other's way. + </p> + <p> + Loftus and Dick had only a laugh at <i>their own</i> expense, instead of a + kiss at <i>Tom's</i>, upon the failure of their plot; but Loftus, in a + whisper to Dick, vowed he would execute a trick upon the “pair of them” + before the day was over. + </p> + <p> + There was a breakfast as usual, and chicken and tongue and wine, which, + taken in the morning, are provocative of eloquence; and, of course, the + proper quantity of healths and toasts were executed <i>selon la règlei,</i> + it was time for the bride and bridegroom to bow and blush and curtsey out + of the room, and make themselves food for a paragraph in the morning + papers, under the title of the “happy pair,” who set off in a handsome + chariot, &c., &c. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <p> + Tom Durfy had engaged a pretty cottage in the neighbourhood of Clontarf to + pass the honeymoon. Tom Loftus knew this, and knew, moreover, that the + sitting-room looked out on a small lawn which lay before the house, + screened by a hedge from the road, but with a circular sweep leading up to + the house, and a gate of ingress and egress at either end of the hedge. In + this sitting-room Tom, after lunch, was pressing his lady fair to take a + glass of champagne, when the entrance-gate was thrown open, and a hackney + jaunting-car with Tom Loftus and a friend or two upon it, driven by a + special ragamuffin blowing a tin horn, rolled up the skimping avenue, and + as it scoured past the windows of the sitting-room, Tom Loftus and the + other passengers kissed hands to the astonished bride and bridegroom, and + shouted, “Wish you joy!” + </p> + <p> + The thing was so sudden that Durfy and the widow, not seeing Loftus, could + hardly comprehend what it meant, and both ran to the window; but just as + they reached it, up drove another car, freighted with two or three more + wild rascals who followed the lead which had been given them; and as a + long train of cars were seen in the distance all driving up to the avenue, + the widow, with a timid little scream, threw her handkerchief over her + face and ran into a corner. Tom did not know whether to laugh or be angry, + but, being a good-humoured fellow, he satisfied himself with a few oaths + against the incorrigible Loftus, and when the <i>cortège</i> had passed, + endeavoured to restore the startled fair one to her serenity. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <p> + Squire Egan and party arrived at the appointed hour at their hotel, where + Dick was waiting to receive them, and, of course, his inquiries were + immediately directed to the extraordinary circumstance of Andy's + elevation, the details of which he desired to know. These we shall not + give in the expanded form in which Dick heard them, but endeavour to + condense, as much as possible, within the limits to which we are + prescribed. + </p> + <p> + The title of Scatterbrain had never been inherited directly from father to + son; it had descended in a zigzag fashion, most appropriate to the name, + nephews and cousins having come in for the coronet and the property for + some generations. The late lord had led a <i>roué</i> bachelor life up to + the age of sixty, and then thought it not worth while to marry, though + many mammas and daughters spread their nets and arrayed their charms to + entrap the sexagenarian. + </p> + <p> + The truth was, he had quaffed the cup of licentious pleasure all his life, + after which he thought matrimony would prove insipid. The mere novelty + induces some men, under similar circumstances, to try the holy estate; but + matrimony could not offer to Lord Scatterbrain the charms of novelty, for + <i>he had been</i> once married, though no one but himself was cognisant + of the fact. + </p> + <p> + The reader will certainly say, “Here's an Irish bull; how could a man be + married, without, at least, a woman and a priest being joint possessors of + the secret?” + </p> + <p> + Listen, gentle reader, and you shall hear how none but Lord Scatterbrain + knew Lord Scatterbrain was married. + </p> + <p> + There was nothing at which he ever stopped for the gratification of his + passions—no wealth he would not squander, no deceit he would not + practise, no disguise he would not assume. Therefore, gold, and falsehood, + and masquerading were extensively employed by this reckless <i>roué</i> in + the service of Venus, in which service, combined with that of Bacchus, his + life was entirely passed. + </p> + <p> + Often he assumed the guise of a man in humble life, to approximate some + object of his desire, whom fine clothes and bribery would have instantly + warned and in too many cases his artifices were successful. It was in one + of these adventures he cast his eyes upon the woman hitherto known in this + story under the name of the Widow Rooney; but all his practices against + her virtue were unavailing, and nothing but a marriage could accomplish + what he had set his fancy upon but even <i>this</i> would not stop him, <i>for + he married her</i>. + </p> + <p> + The Widow Rooney has appeared no very inviting personage through these + pages, and the reader may wonder that a man of rank could proceed to such + desperate lengths upon such slight temptation; but, gentle reader, she was + young and attractive when she was married—never to say <i>handsome</i>, + but good-looking decidedly, and with that sort of figure which is + comprehended in the phrase “a fine girl.” + </p> + <p> + And has that fine girl altered into the Widow Rooney? Ah! poverty and + hardship are sore trials to the body as well as to the mind. Too little is + it considered, while we gaze on aristocratic beauty, how much good food, + soft lying, warm wrapping, ease of mind, have to do with the attractions + which command our admiration. Many a hand moulded by nature to give + elegance of form to a kid glove, is “stinted of its fair proportion” by + grubbing toil. The foot which might have excited the admiration of a + ball-room, peeping under a flounce of lace in a satin shoe, and treading + the mazy dance, <i>will</i> grow coarse and broad by tramping in its + native state over toilsome miles, bearing perchance to a market town some + few eggs, whose whole produce would not purchase the sandal-tie of my + lady's slipper; will grow red and rough by standing in wet trenches, and + feeling the winter's frost. The neck on which diamonds might have worthily + sparkled, will look less tempting when the biting winter has hung icicles + there for gems. Cheeks formed as fresh for dimpling blushes, eyes as well + to sparkle, and lips to smile, as those which shed their brightness and + their witchery in the tapestried saloon, will grow pale with want, and + forget their dimples, when smiles are not there to wake them; lips become + compressed and drawn with anxious thought, and eyes the brightest are + quenched of their fires by many tears. + </p> + <p> + Of all these trials poor Widow Rooney had enough. Her husband, after + living with her a month, in the character of a steward to some great man + in a distant part of the country, left her one day for the purpose of + transacting business at a fair, which, he said, would require his absence + for some time. At the end of a week, a letter was sent to her, stating + that the make-believe steward had robbed his master extensively, and had + fled to America, whence he promised to write to her, and send her means to + follow him, requesting, in the meantime, her silence, in case any inquiry + should be made about him. This villanous trick was played off the more + readily, from the fact that a steward had absconded at the time, and the + difference in the name the cruel profligate accounted for by saying that, + as he was hiding at the moment he married her, he had assumed another + name. + </p> + <p> + The poor deserted girl, fully believing this trumped-up tale, obeyed with + unflinching fidelity the injunctions of her betrayer; and while reports + were flying abroad of the absconded steward, she never breathed a word of, + what had been confided to her, and accounted for the absence of “Rooney” + in various ways of her own; so that all trace of the profligate was lost, + by her remaining inactive in making the smallest inquiry about him, and + her very fidelity to her betrayer became the means of her losing all power + of procuring his discovery. For months she trusted all was right; but when + moon followed moon, and she gave birth to a boy without hearing one word + of his father, misgiving came upon her, and the only consolation left her + was, that, though she was deserted, and a child left on her hands, still + she was <i>an honest woman</i>. That child was the hero of our tale. The + neighbours passed some ill-natured remarks about her, when it began to be + suspected that her husband would never let her know more about him; for + she had been rather a saucy lady, holding up her nose at poor men, and + triumphing in her catching of the “steward,” a man well to do in the + world; and it may be remembered, that this same spirit existed in her when + Andy's rumoured marriage with Matty gave the prospect of her affairs being + retrieved, for she displayed her love of pre-eminence to the very first + person who gave her the good news. The ill-nature of her neighbours, + however, after the birth of her child and the desertion of her husband, + inducing her to leave the scene of her unmerited wrongs and annoyances, + she suddenly decamped, and, removing to another part of Ireland, the poor + woman began a life of hardship, to support herself and rear the offspring + of her unfortunate marriage. In this task she was worthily assisted by one + of her brothers, who pitied her condition, and joined her in her retreat. + He married in course of time, and his wife died in giving birth to Oonah, + who was soon deprived of her other parent by typhus fever, that terrible + scourge of the poor; so that the praiseworthy desire of the brother to + befriend his sister only involved her, as it happened, in the deeper + difficulty of supporting two children instead of one. This she did + heroically, and the orphan girl rewarded her, by proving a greater comfort + than her own child; for Andy had inherited in all its raciness the blood + of the Scatterbrains, and his deeds, as recorded in this history, prove he + was no unworthy representative of that illustrious title. To return to his + father—who had done the grievous wrong to the poor peasant girl: he + lived his life of profligacy through, and in a foreign country died at + last; but on his death-bed the scourge of conscience rendered every + helpless hour an age of woe. Bitterest of all was the thought of the wife + deceived, deserted, and unacknowledged. To face his last account with such + fearful crime upon his head he dared not, and made all the reparation now + in his power, by avowing his marriage in his last will and testament, and + giving all the information in his power to trace his wife, if living, or + his heir, if such existed. He enjoined, by the most sacred injunctions + upon him to whom the charge was committed, that neither cost nor trouble + should be spared in the search, leaving a large sum in ready money + besides, to establish the right, in case his nephew disputed the will. By + his own order, his death was kept secret, and secretly his agent set to + work to discover any trace of the heir. This, in consequence of the woman + changing her place of abode, became more difficult and it was not until + after very minute inquiry that some trace was picked up, and a letter + written to the parish priest of the district to which she had removed, + making certain general inquiries. It was found, on comparing dates some + time after, that it was this very letter to Father Blake which Andy had + purloined from the post-office, and the Squire had thrown into the fire; + so that our hero was very near, by his blundering, destroying his own + fortune. Luckily for him, however, an untiring and intelligent agent was + engaged in his cause, and a subsequent inquiry, and finally a personal + visit to Father Blake, cleared the matter up satisfactorily, and the widow + was enabled to produce such proof of her identity, and that of her son, + that Handy Andy was indisputably Lord Scatterbrain; and the whole affair + was managed so secretly, that the death of the late lord, and the claim of + title and estates in the name of the rightful heir, were announced at the + same moment; and the “Honourable Sackville,” instead of coming into + possession of the peerage and property, and fighting his adversary at the + great advantage of possession, could only commence a suit to drive him + out, if he sued at all. + </p> + <p> + Our limits compel us to this brief sketch of the circumstances through + which Handy Andy was entitled to and became possessed of a property and a + title, and we must now say something of the effects produced by the + intelligence on the parties most concerned. + </p> + <p> + The Honourable Sackville Scatterbrain, on the advice of high legal + authority, did not attempt to dispute a succession of which such + satisfactory proofs existed, and, fortunately for himself, had knocked up + a watering-place match, while he was yet in the bloom of heirship <i>presumptive</i> + to a peerage, with the daughter of an English <i>millionaire</i>. + </p> + <p> + When the Widow Rooney heard the extraordinary turn affairs had taken, her + emotions, after the first few hours of pleasurable surprise, partook of + regret rather than satisfaction. She looked upon her past life of + suffering, and felt as if Fate had cheated her. She, a peeress, had passed + her life in poverty and suffering, with contempt from those over whom she + had superior rights; and the few years of the prosperous future before her + offered her poor compensation for the pinching past. But after such + selfish considerations, the maternal feeling came to her relief, and she + rejoiced that <i>her son</i> was a lord. But then came the terrible + thought of his marriage to dash her joy and triumph. + </p> + <p> + This was a source of grief to Oonah as well. “If he wasn't married,” she + would say to herself, “I might be <i>Lady</i> Scatterbrain;” and the tears + would burst through poor Oonah's fingers as she held them up to her eyes + and sobbed heavily, till the poor girl would try to gather consolation + from the thought that, maybe, Andy's altered circumstances would make <i>her</i> + disregarded. “There would be plenty to have him now,” thought she, “and he + wouldn't think of me, maybe—so 't is well as it is.” + </p> + <p> + When Andy heard that he was a lord—a real lord—and, after the + first shock of astonishment, could comprehend that wealth and power were + in his possession, he, though the most interested person, never thought, + as the two women had done, of the desperate strait in which his marriage + placed him, but broke out into short peals of laughter, and exclaimed in + the intervals, “that it was mighty quare;” and when, after much + questioning, any intelligible desire he had could be understood, the first + one he clearly expressed was <i>“to have a goold watch.”</i> + </p> + <p> + He was made, however, to understand that other things than “goold watches” + were of more importance; and the Squire, with his characteristic good + nature, endeavoured to open Andy's comprehension to the nature of his + altered situation. This, it may be supposed, was rather a complicated + piece of work, and too difficult to be set down in black and white; the + most intelligible portions to Andy were his immediate removal from + servitude, and a ready-made suit of gentlemanly apparel, which made Andy + pay several visits to the looking-glass. Good-natured as the Squire was, + it would have been equally awkward to him as to Andy for the newly fledged + lord, though a lord, to have a seat at his table, neither could he remain + in an inferior position in his house; so Dick, who loved fun, volunteered + to take Andy under his especial care to London, and let him share his + lodgings, as a bachelor may do many things which a man surrounded by his + family cannot. Besides, in a place distant from such extraordinary chances + and changes as those which befell our hero, the sudden and startling + difference of position of the parties not being known renders it possible + for a gentleman to do the good-natured thing which Dick undertook, without + compromising himself. In Dublin it would not have done for Dick Dawson to + allow the man who would have held his horse the day before, to share the + same board with him merely because Fortune had played one of her frolics + and made Andy a lord; but in London the case was different. + </p> + <p> + To London therefore they proceeded. The incidents of the journey, + sea-sickness included, which so astonished the new traveller, we pass + over, as well as the numberless mistakes in the great metropolis, which + afforded Dick plentiful amusement, though, in truth, Dick had better + objects in view than laughing at Andy's embarrassments in his new + position. He really wished to help him in the difficult path into which + the new lord had been thrust, and did this in a merry sort of way more + successfully than by serious drilling. It was hard to break Andy of the + habit of saying “Misther Dick,” when addressing him, but, at last, + “Misther Dawson” was established. Eating with his knife, drinking as + loudly as a horse, and other like accomplishments, were not so easily got + under, yet it was wonderful how much he improved, as his shyness grew + less, and his consciousness of being a lord grew stronger. + </p> + <p> + But, if the good nature of Dick had not prompted him to take Andy into + training, the newly discovered nobleman would not have long been in want + of society. It was wonderful how many persons were eager to show civility + to his lordship, and some amongst them even went so far as to discover + relationship. Plenty were soon ready to take Lord Scatterbrain here, and + escort him there, accompany him to exhibitions and other public places, + and charmed all the time with his lordship's remarks—“they were so + original”—“quite delightful to meet something so fresh”—“how + remarkably clever the Irish were!” Such were among the observations his + ignorant blunders produced; and he who, as Handy Andy, had been + anathematised all his life as a “stupid rascal,” “a blundering thief,” “a + thick-headed brute,” &c., under the title of Lord Scatterbrain all of + a sudden was voted “vastly amusing—a little eccentric, perhaps, but + <i>so</i> droll—in fact, so witty!” This was all very delightful for + Andy—so delightful that he quite forgot Bridget <i>rhua</i>. But + that lady did not leave him long in his happy obliviousness. One day, + while Dick was absent, and Andy rocking on a chair before the fire, + twirling the massive gold chain of his gold watch round his forefinger, + and uncoiling it again, his repose was suddenly disturbed by the + appearance of Bridget herself, accompanied by <i>Shan More</i> and a + shrimp of a man in rusty black, who turned out to be a shabby attorney who + advanced money to convey his lady client and her brother to London, for + the purpose of making a dash at the lord at once, and securing a handsome + sum by a <i>coup de main</i>. + </p> + <p> + Andy, though taken by surprise, was resolute. Bitter words were exchanged; + and as they seemed likely to lead to blows, Andy prudently laid hold of + the poker, and, in language not quite suited to a noble lord, swore he + would see what the inside of <i>Shan More's</i> head was made of, if he + attempted to advance upon him. Bridget screamed and scolded, while the + attorney endeavoured to keep the peace, and, beyond everything, urged Lord + Scatterbrain to enter at once into written engagements for a handsome + settlement upon his “lady.” + </p> + <p> + “Lady!” exclaimed Andy; “oh!—a pretty <i>lady</i> she is!” + </p> + <p> + “I'm as good a lady as you are a lord, anyhow,” cried Bridget. + </p> + <p> + “Altercation will do no good, my lord and my lady,” said the attorney; + “let me suggest the propriety of your writing an engagement at once;” and + the little man pushed pen, ink, and paper towards Andy. + </p> + <p> + “I can't, I tell you!” cried Andy. + </p> + <p> + “You must!” roared <i>Shan More</i>. + </p> + <p> + “Bad luck to you, how can I when I never larned?” + </p> + <p> + “Your lordship can make your mark,” said the attorney. + </p> + <p> + “'Faith I can—with a poker,” cried Andy; “and you'd better take + care, master parchment. Make my mark, indeed!—do you think I'd + disgrace the House o' Peers by lettin' on that a lord couldn't write?—Quit + the buildin', I tell you!” + </p> + <p> + In the midst of the row, which now rose to a tremendous pitch, Dick + returned; and after a severe reprimand to the pettifogger for his sinister + attempt on Andy, referred him to Lord Scatterbrain's solicitor. It was not + such an easy matter to silence Bridget, who extended her claws towards her + lord and master in a very menacing manner, calling down bitter + imprecations on her own head if she wouldn't have her rights. + </p> + <p> + Every now and then between the bursts of the storm Andy would exclaim, + “Get out!” + </p> + <p> + “My lord,” said Dick, “remember your dignity.” + </p> + <p> + “Av coorse!” said Andy; “but still she must get out!” + </p> + <p> + The house was at last cleared of the uproarious party; but though Andy got + rid of their presence, they left their sting behind. Lord Scatterbrain + felt, for the first time, that a lord can be very unhappy. + </p> + <p> + Dick hurried him away at once to the chambers of the law agent, but he, + being closeted on some very important business with another client on + their arrival, returned an answer to their application for a conference, + which they forwarded through the double doors of this sanctum by a + hard-looking man with a pen behind his ear, that he could not have the + pleasure of seeing them till the next morning. Lord Scatterbrain passed a + more unhappy night than he had ever done in his life—even than that + when he was tied up to the old tree—croaked at by ravens, and the + despised of rats. + </p> + <p> + Negotiations were opened the next day between the pettifogger on Bridget's + side and the law agent of the noble lord, and the arguments, <i>pro and + con.,</i> lay thus: + </p> + <p> + In the first place, the opening declaration was—Lord Scatterbrain + never would live with the aforesaid Bridget. + </p> + <p> + Answered—that nevertheless, as she was his lawful wife, a provision + suitable to her rank must be made. + </p> + <p> + They (the claimants) were asked to name a sum. + </p> + <p> + The sum was considered exorbitant; it being argued that when her husband + had determined never to live with her, he was in a far different + condition, therefore it was unfair to seek so large a separate maintenance + now. + </p> + <p> + The pettifogger threatened that Lady Scatterbrain would run in debt, which + Lord Scatterbrain must discharge. My Lord's agent suggested that my Lady + would be advertised in the public papers, and the public cautioned against + giving her credit. + </p> + <p> + A sum could not be agreed upon, though a fair one was offered on Andy's + part; for the greediness of the pettifogger, who was to have a share of + the plunder, made him hold out for more, and negotiations were broken off + for some days. + </p> + <p> + Poor Andy was in a wretched state of vexation. It was bad enough that he + was married to this abominable woman, without an additional plague of + being persecuted by her. To such an amount this rose at last, that she and + her big brother dodged him every time he left the house, so that in + self-defence he was obliged to become a close prisoner in his own + lodgings. All this at last became so intolerable to the captive, that he + urged a speedy settlement of the vexatious question, and a larger separate + maintenance was granted to the detestable woman than would otherwise have + been ceded, the only stipulation of a stringent nature made being, that + Lord Scatterbrain should be free from the persecutions of his hateful wife + for the future. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0028" id="link2HCH0028"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XLIX + </h2> + <p> + Squire Egan, with his lady and Fanny Dawson, had now arrived in London; + Murtough Murphy, too, had joined them, his services being requisite in + working the petition against the return of the sitting member for the + county. This had so much promise of success about it, that the opposite + party, who had the sheriff for the county in their interest, bethought of + a novel expedient to frustrate the petition when a reference to the poll + was required. + </p> + <p> + They declared the principal poll-book was lost. + </p> + <p> + This seemed not very satisfactory to one side of the committee, and the + question was asked, “how could it be lost?” The answer was one which Irish + contrivance alone could have invented: <i>“It fell into a pot of broth, + and the dog ate it.”</i> [Footnote: If not this identical answer, + something like it was given on a disputed Irish election, before a + Committee of the House of Commons.] + </p> + <p> + This protracted the contest for some time; but eventually, in spite of the + dog's devouring knowledge so greedily, the Squire was declared duly + elected and took the oaths and his seat for the county. + </p> + <p> + It was hard on Sackville Scatterbrain to lose his seat in the house and a + peerage, nearly at once; but the latter loss threw the former so far into + the shade, that he scarcely felt it. Besides, he could console himself + with having buttered his crumbs pretty well in the marriage-market; and, + with a rich wife, retired from senatorial drudgery to private repose, + which was much more congenial to his easy temper. + </p> + <p> + But while the Squire's happy family circle was rejoicing in his triumph—while + he was invited to the Speaker's dinners, and the ladies were looking + forward to tickets for “the lantern,” their pleasure was suddenly dashed + by fatal news from Ireland. + </p> + <p> + A serious accident had befallen Major Dawson—so serious, that his + life was despaired of; and an immediate return to Ireland by all who were + interested in his life was the consequence. + </p> + <p> + Though the suddenness of this painful event shocked his family, the act + which caused it did not surprise them; for it was one against which Major + Dawson had been repeatedly cautioned, involving a danger he had been + affectionately requested not to tempt; but the habitual obstinacy of his + nature prevailed, and he persisted in doing that which his son—and + his daughters—and friends—prophesied <i>would</i> kill him + some time or other, and <i>did</i>, at last. The Major had three little + iron guns, mounted on carriages, on a terrace in front of his house; and + it was his wont to fire a salute on certain festival days from these guns, + which, from age and exposure to the weather, became dangerous to use. It + was in vain that this danger was represented to him. He would reply, with + his accustomed “Pooh, pooh! I have been firing these guns for forty years, + and they won't do me any harm now.” + </p> + <p> + This was the prime fault of the Major's character. Time and circumstances + were never taken into account by him; what was done once, might be done <i>always</i>—<i>ought</i> + to be done always. The bare thought of change of any sort, to him, was + unbearable; and whether it was a rotten old law or a rotten old gun, he + would charge both up to the muzzle and fire away, regardless of + consequences. The result was, that on a certain festival his <i>favourite</i> + gun burst in discharging; and the last mortal act of which the Major was + conscious, was that of putting the port-fire to the touchhole, for a heavy + splinter of iron struck him on the head, and though he lived for some days + afterwards, he was insensible. Before his children arrived he was no more; + and the only duty left them to perform was the melancholy one of ordering + his funeral. + </p> + <p> + The obsequies of the old Major were honoured by a large and distinguished + attendance from all parts of the country; and amongst those who bore the + pall was Edward O'Connor, who had the melancholy gratification of + testifying his respect beside the grave of Fanny's father, though the + severe old man had banished him from his presence during his lifetime. + </p> + <p> + But now all obstacle to the union of Edward and Fanny was removed; and + after the lapse of a few days had softened the bitter grief which this + sudden bereavement of her father had produced, Edward received a note from + Dick, inviting him to the manor-house, where <i>all</i> would be glad to + see him. + </p> + <p> + In a few minutes after the receipt of that note Edward was in his saddle, + and swiftly leaving the miles behind him till, from the top of a rising + ground, the roof of the manor-house appeared above the trees in which it + was embosomed. He had not till then slackened his speed; but now drawing + rein, he proceeded at a slower pace towards the house he had not entered + for some years, and the sight of which awakened such varied emotions. + </p> + <p> + To return after long years of painful absence to some place which has been + the scene of our former joys, and whence the force of circumstance, and + not choice, has driven us, is oppressive to the heart. There is a mixed + sense of regret and rejoicing, which struggle for predominance; we rejoice + that our term of exile has expired, but we regret the years which that + exile has deducted from the brief amount of human life, never to be + recalled, and therefore as so much <i>lost</i> to us. We think of the + wrong or the caprice of which we have been the victims, and thoughts will + stray across the most confiding heart, if friends shall meet as fondly as + they parted; or if time, while impressing deeper marks upon the <i>outward</i> + form, may have obliterated some impressions <i>within</i>. Who has + returned after years of absence, however assured of the unflinching + fidelity of the love he left behind, without saying to himself, in the + pardonable yearning of affection, “Shall I meet smiles as bright as those + that used to welcome me? Shall I be pressed as fondly within the arms + whose encompassment were to me the pale of all earthly enjoyment?” + </p> + <p> + Such thoughts crowded on Edward as he approached the house. There was not + a lane, or tree, or hedge, by the way, that had not for him its + association. He reached the avenue gate; as he flung it open he remembered + the last time he passed it; Fanny had then leaned on his arm. He felt + himself so much excited, that, instead of riding up to the house, he took + the private path to the stables, and throwing down the reins to a boy, he + turned into a shrubbery and endeavoured to recover his self-command before + he should present himself. As he emerged from the sheltered path and + turned into a walk which led to the garden, a small conservatory was + opened to his view, awaking fresh sensations. It was in that very place he + had first ventured to declare his love to Fanny. There she heard and + frowned not; there, where nature's choicest sweets were exhaling, he had + first pressed her to his heart, and thought the balmy sweetness of her + lips beyond them all. He hurried forward in the enthusiasm the + recollection recalled, to enter that spot consecrated in his memory; but + on arriving at the door, he suddenly stopped, for he saw Fanny within. She + was plucking a geranium—the flower she had been plucking some years + before, when Edward said he loved her. She, all that morning, had been + under the influence of feelings similar to Edward's; had felt the same + yearnings—the same tender doubts—the same fond solicitude that + he should be the same Edward from whom she parted. But she thought of <i>more</i> + than this; with the exquisitely delicate contrivance belonging to woman's + nature, she wished to give him a signal of her fond recollection, and was + plucking the flower she gathered when he declared his love, to place on + her bosom when they should meet. Edward felt the meaning of her action, as + the graceful hand broke the flower from its stem. He would have rushed + towards her at once, but that the deep mourning in which she was arrayed + seemed to command a gentler approach; for grief commands respect. He + advanced softly—she heard a gentle step behind her—turned—uttered + a faint exclamation of joy, and sank into his arms! In a few moments she + recovered her consciousness, and opening her sweet eyes upon him, breathed + softly, “dear Edward!”—and the lips which, in two words, had + expressed so much, were impressed with a fervent kiss in the blessed + consciousness of possession, on that very spot where the first timid and + doubting word of love had been spoken. + </p> + <p> + In that moment he was rewarded for all his years of absence and anxiety. + His heart was satisfied; he felt he was dear as ever to the woman he + idolised, and the short and hurried beating of <i>both</i> their hearts + told more than words could express. Words!—what were words to them?—thought + was too swift for their use, and feeling too strong for their utterance; + but they drank from each other's eyes large draughts of delight, and, in + the silent pressure of each other's welcoming embrace, felt how truly they + loved each other. + </p> + <p> + He led her gently from the conservatory, and they exchanged words of + affection “soft and low,” as they sauntered through the wooded path which + surrounded the house. That live-long day they wandered up and down + together, repeating again and again the anxious yearnings which occupied + their years of separation, yet asking each other was not all more than + repaid by the gladness of the present— + </p> + <p> + “Yet <i>how</i> painful has been the past!” exclaimed Edward. + </p> + <p> + “But <i>now!</i>” said Fanny, with a gentle pressure of her tiny hand on + Edward's arm, and looking up to him with her bright eyes—“but <i>now!</i>” + </p> + <p> + “True, darling!” he cried; “'tis ungrateful to think of the past while + enjoying such a present and with such a future before me. Bless that + cheerful heart, and those hope-inspiring glances! Oh, Fanny! in the + wilderness of life there are springs and palm-trees—you are both to + me! and heaven has set its own mark upon you in those laughing blue eyes + which might set despair at defiance.” + </p> + <p> + “Poetical as ever, Edward!” said Fanny, laughing. + </p> + <p> + “Sit down, dearest, for a moment, on this old tree, beside me; 'tis not + the first time I have strung rhymes in your presence and your praise.” He + took a small note-book from his pocket, and Fanny looked on smilingly as + Edward's pencil rapidly ran over the leaf and traced the lover's tribute + to his mistress. + </p> + <h3> + THE SUNSHINE IN YOU + </h3> + <h3> + I + </h3> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + “It is sweet when we look round the wide world's waste + To know that the desert bestows + The palms where the weary heart may rest, + The spring that in purity flows. + And where have I found + In this wilderness round + That spring and that shelter so true; + Unfailing in need, + And my own, indeed?— + Oh! dearest, I've found it in you! +</pre> + <h3> + II + </h3> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + “And, oh when the cloud of some darkening hour + O'ershadows the soul with its gloom, + Then where is the light of the vestal pow'r, + The lamp of pale Hope to illume? + Oh! the light ever lies + In those bright fond eyes, + Where Heaven has impressed its own blue + As a seal from the skies + As my heart relies + On that gift of its sunshine in you!” + </pre> + <p> + Fanny liked the lines, of course. “Dearest,” she said, “may I always prove + sunshine to you! Is it not a strange coincidence that these lines exactly + fit a little air which occurred to me some time ago?” + </p> + <p> + “'Tis odd,” said Edward; “sing it to me, darling.” + </p> + <p> + Fanny took the verses from his hand, and sung them to her own measure. Oh, + happy triumph of the poet!—to hear his verses wedded to sweet + sounds, and warbled by the woman he loves! Edward caught up the strain, + adding his voice to hers in harmony, and thus they sauntered homewards, + trolling their ready-made duet together. There were not two happier hearts + in the world that day than those of Fanny Dawson and Edward O'Connor. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0029" id="link2HCH0029"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER L + </h2> + <p> + Respect for the memory of Major Dawson of course prevented the immediate + marriage of Edward and Fanny; but the winter months passed cheerfully away + in looking forward to the following autumn which should witness the + completion of their happiness. Though Edward was thus tempted by the + society of the one he loved best in the world, it did not make him neglect + the duties he had undertaken in behalf of Gustavus. Not only did he + prosecute his reading with him regularly, but he took no small pains in + looking after the involved affairs of the family, and strove to make + satisfactory arrangements with those whose claims were gnawing away the + estate to nothing. Though the years of Gusty's minority were but few, + still they would give the estate some breathing-time; and creditors, + seeing the minor backed by a man of character, and convinced a sincere + desire existed to relieve the estate of its encumbrances and pay all just + claims, presented a less threatening front than hitherto, and listened + readily to such terms of accommodation as were proposed to them. Uncle + Robert (for the breaking of whose neck Ratty's pious aspirations had been + raised) behaved very well on the occasion. A loan from him, and a partial + sale of some of the acres, stopped the mouths of the greedy wolves who + fatten on men's ruin, and time and economy were looked forward to for the + discharge of all other debts. Uncle Robert, having so far acted the + friend, was considered entitled to have a partial voice in the ordering of + things at the Hall; and having a notion that an English accent was + genteel, he desired that Gusty and Ratty should pass a year under the roof + of a clergyman in England, who received a limited number of young + gentlemen for the completion of their education. Gustavus would much + rather have remained near Edward O'Connor, who had already done so much + for him; but Edward, though he regretted parting with Gustavus, + recommended him to accede to his uncle's wishes, though he did not see the + necessity of an Irish gentleman being ashamed of his accent. + </p> + <p> + The visit to England, however, was postponed till the spring, and the + winter months were used by Gustavus in availing himself as much as he + could of Edward's assistance in putting him through his classics, his + pride prompting him to present himself creditably to the English + clergyman. + </p> + <p> + It was in vain to plead <i>such</i> pride to Ratty, who paid more + attention to shooting than his lessons. His mother strove to persuade—Ratty + was deaf. His “gran” strove to bribe—Ratty was incorruptible. Gusty + argued—Ratty answered after his own fashion. + </p> + <p> + “Why won't you learn even a little?” + </p> + <p> + “I'm to go to that 'English fellow' in spring, and I shall have no fun + then, so I'm making good use of my time now.” + </p> + <p> + “Do you call it 'good use' to be so dreadfully idle and shamefully + ignorant?” + </p> + <p> + “Bother!—the less I know, the more the English fellow will have to + teach me, and Uncle Bob will have more worth for his money;” and then + Ratty would whistle a jig, fling a fowling-piece over his shoulder, and + shout “Ponto! Ponto! Ponto!” as he traversed the stable-yard; the + delighted pointer would come bounding at the call, and, after circling + round his young master with agile grace and yelps of glee at the sight of + the gun, dash forward to the well-known “bottoms” in eager expectancy of + ducks and snipe. How fared it all this time with the lord of Scatterbrain? + He became established, for the present, in a house that had been a long + time to let in the neighbourhood, and his mother was placed at the head of + it, and Oonah still remained under his protection, though the daily sight + of the girl added to Andy's grief at the desperate plight in which his + ill-starred marriage placed him, to say nothing of the constant annoyance + of his mother's growling at him for his making “such a Judy of himself;” + for the dowager Lady Scatterbrain could not get rid of her vocabulary at + once. Andy's only resource under these circumstances was to mount his + horse and fly. + </p> + <p> + As for the dowager Lady Scatterbrain, she had a carriage with “a picture” + on it, as she called the coat of arms, and was fond of driving past the + houses of people who had been uncivil to her. Against Mrs. Casey (the + renowned Matty Dwyer) she entertained an especial spite, in consideration + of her treatment of her beautiful boy and her own pair of black eyes; so + she determined to “pay her off” in her own way, and stopping one day at + the hole in the hedge which served for entrance to the estate of the + “three-cornered field,” she sent the footman in to say the <i>dowjer</i> + Lady Scatter<i>breen</i> wanted to speak with “Casey's wife.” + </p> + <p> + When the servant, according to instructions, delivered this message, he + was sent back with the answer, “that if any lady wanted to see Casey's + wife, 'Casey's wife,' was at home.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, go back, and tell the poor woman I don't want to bring her to the + door of my carriage, if it's inconvaynient. I only wished to give her a + little help; and tell her if she sends up eggs to the big house, Lady + Scatterbreen will pay her for them.” + </p> + <p> + When the servant delivered this message, Matty grew outrageous at the + means “my lady” took of crowing over her, and rushing to the door, with + her face flushed with rage, roared out, “Tell the old baggage I want none + of her custom; let her lay eggs for herself.” + </p> + <p> + The servant staggered back in amaze; and Matty, feeling he would not + deliver her message, ran to the hole in the hedge and repeated her answer + to my lady herself, with a great deal more which need not be recorded. + Suffice it to say, my lady thought it necessary to pull up the glass, + against which Matty threw a handful of mud; the servant jumped up on his + perch behind the carriage, which was rapidly driven away by the coachman, + but not so fast that Matty could not, by dint of running, keep it “within + range” for some seconds, during which time she contrived to pelt both + coachman and footman with mud, and leave her mark on their new livery. + This was a salutary warning to the old woman, who was more cautious in her + demonstrations of grandeur for the future. If she was stinted in the + enjoyment of her new-born dignity abroad, she could indulge it at home + without let or hindrance, and to this end asked Andy to let her have a + hundred pounds, in one-pound notes, for a particular purpose. What this + purpose was no one was told or could guess, but for a good while after she + used to be closeted by herself for several hours during the day. + </p> + <p> + Andy had his hours of retirement also, for with praiseworthy industry he + strove hard, poor fellow, to lift himself above the state of ignorance, + and had daily attendance from the parish schoolmaster. The mysteries of + “pothooks and hangers” and ABC weighed heavily on the nobleman's mind, + which must have sunk under the burden of scholarship and penmanship, but + for the other “ship”—the horsemanship—which was Andy's daily + self-established reward for his perseverance in his lessons. Besides he + really <i>could</i> ride; and as it was the only accomplishment of which + he was master, it was no wonder he enjoyed the display of it; and, to say + the truth, he did, and that on a first-rate horse too. Having appointed + Murtough Murphy his law-agent, he often rode over to the town to talk with + him, and as Murtough could have some fun and thirteen and fourpence also + per visit, he was always glad to see his “noble friend.” The high road did + not suit Andy's notion of things; he preferred the variety, shortness, and + diversion of going across the country on these occasions; and in one of + these excursions, in the most secluded portion of his ride, which + unavoidably lay through some quarries and deep broken ground, he met + “Ragged Nance,” who held up her finger as he approached the gorge of this + lonely dell, in token that she would speak with him. Andy pulled up. + </p> + <p> + “Long life to you, my lord,” said Nance, dropping a deep curtsey, “and + sure I always liked you since the night you was so bowld for the sake of + the poor girl—the young lady, I mane, now, God bless her—and I + just wish to tell you, my lord, that I think you might as well not be + going these lonely ways, for I see <i>them</i> hanging about here betimes, + that maybe it would not be good for your health to meet; and sure, my + lord, it would be a hard case if you were killed now, havin' the luck of + the sick calf that lived all the winther and died in the summer.” + </p> + <p> + “Is it that big blackguard, <i>Shan More</i>, you mane?” said Andy. + </p> + <p> + “No less,” said Nance—growing deadly pale as she cast a piercing + glance into the dell, and cried, in a low, hurried tone—“Talk of the + divil—and there he is—I see him peep out from behind a rock.” + </p> + <p> + “He's running this way,” said Andy. + </p> + <p> + “Then you run the other way,” said Nance; “look there—I see him + strive to hide a blunderbuss under his coat—gallop off, for the love + o' God! or there'll be murther.” + </p> + <p> + “Maybe there will be that same,” said Andy, “if I leave you here, and he + suspects you gave me the hard word.” [Footnote: “Hard word” implies a + caution.] + </p> + <p> + “Never mind me,” said Nance, “save yourself—see, he's moving fast, + he'll be near enough to you soon to fire.” + </p> + <p> + “Get up behind me,” said Andy; “I won't leave you here.” + </p> + <p> + “Run, I tell you.” + </p> + <p> + “I won't.” + </p> + <p> + “God bless you, then,” said the woman, as Andy held out his hand and + gripped hers firmly. + </p> + <p> + “Put your foot on mine,” said Andy. + </p> + <p> + The woman obeyed, and was soon seated behind our hero, gripping him fast + by the waist, while he pushed his horse to a fast canter. + </p> + <p> + “Hold hard now,” said Andy, “for there's a stiff jump here.” As he + approached the ditch of which he spoke, two men sprang up from it, and one + fired, as Andy cleared the leap in good style, Nance holding on gallantly. + The horse was not many strokes on the opposite side, when another shot was + fired in their rear, followed by a scream from the woman. To Andy's + inquiry, if she was “kilt,” she replied in the negative, but said “they + hurt her sore,” and she was “bleeding a power;” but that she could still + hold on, however, and urged him to speed. The clearance of one or two more + leaps gave her grievous pain; but a large common soon opened before them, + which was skirted by a road leading directly to a farm-house, where Andy + left the wounded woman, and then galloped off for medical aid; this soon + arrived, and the wound was found not to be dangerous, though painful. The + bullet had struck and pierced a tin vessel of a bottle form, in which + Nance carried the liquid gratuities of the charitable, and this not only + deadened the force of the ball, but glanced it also; and the escapement of + the butter-milk, which the vessel contained, Nance had mistaken for the + effusion of her own blood. It was a clear case, however, that if Nance had + not been sitting behind Andy, Lord Scatterbrain would have been a dead + man, so that his gratitude and gallantry towards the poor beggar woman + proved the means of preserving his own life. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0030" id="link2HCH0030"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER LI + </h2> + <p> + The news of the attack on Lord Scatterbrain ran over the country like + wildfire, and his conduct throughout the affair raised his character + wonderfully in the opinion of all classes. Many who had hitherto held + aloof from the mushroom lord, came forward to recognise the manly fellow, + and cards were left at “the big house,” which were never seen there + before. The magistrates were active in the affair, and a reward was + immediately offered for the apprehension of the offenders; but before any + active steps could be taken by the authorities, Andy, immediately after + the attack, collected a few stout fellows himself, and knowing where the + den of Shan and his miscreants lay, he set off at the head of his party to + try if he could not secure them himself; but before he did this, he + despatched a vehicle to the farmhouse, where poor Nance lay wounded, with + orders that she should be removed to his own house, the doctor having said + that the transit would not be injurious. + </p> + <p> + A short time served to bring Andy and his followers to the private still, + where a little looking about enabled them to discover the entrance, which + was covered by some large stones, and a bunch of furze placed as a mask to + the opening. It was clear that it was impossible for any persons inside to + have thus covered the entrance, and it suggested the possibility that some + of its usual inmates were then absent. Nevertheless, having such desperate + characters to deal with, it was a service of danger to be leader in the + descent to the cavern when the opening was cleared; but Andy was the first + to enter, which he did boldly, only desiring his attendants to follow him + quickly, and give him support in case of resistance. A lantern had been + provided, Andy knowing the darkness of the den; and the party was thereby + enabled to explore with celerity and certainty the hidden haunt of the + desperadoes. The ashes of the fire were yet warm, but no one was to be + seen, till Andy, drawing the screen of the bed, discovered a man lying in + a seemingly helpless state, breathing with difficulty, and the straw about + him dabbled with blood. On attempting to lift him, the wretch groaned + heavily and muttered, “D—n you, let me alone—you've done for + me—I'm dying.” + </p> + <p> + The man was gently carried from the cave to the open air, which seemed + slightly to revive him. His eyes opened heavily, but closed again; yet + still he breathed. His wounds were staunched as well as the limited means + and knowledge of the parties present allowed; and the ladder, drawn up + from the cave and overlaid with tufts of heather, served to bear the + sufferer to the nearest house, whence Andy ordered a mounted messenger to + hurry for a doctor. The man seemed to hear what was going forward, for he + faintly muttered, “the priest—the priest.” + </p> + <p> + Andy, anxious to procure this most essential comfort to the dying man, + went himself in search of Father Blake, whom he found at home, and who + suggested that a magistrate might be also useful upon the occasion; and as + Merryvale lay not much out of the way, Andy made a detour to obtain the + presence of Squire Egan, while Father Blake pushed directly onward upon + his ghostly mission. + </p> + <p> + Andy and the Squire arrived soon after the priest had administered + spiritual comfort to the sufferer, who still retained sufficient strength + to make his depositions before the Squire, the purport of which turned out + to be of the utmost importance to Andy. + </p> + <p> + This man, it appeared, <i>was the husband of Bridget</i>, who had returned + from transportation, and sought his wife and her dear brother, and his + former lawless associates, on reaching Ireland. On finding Bridget had + married again, his anger at her infidelity was endeavoured to be appeased + by the representations made to him that it was a “good job,” inasmuch as + “the lord” had been screwed out of a good sum of money by way of separate + maintenance, and that he would share the advantage of that. When matters + were more explained, however, and the convict found this money was divided + among so many, who all claimed right of share in the plunder, his + discontent returned. In the first place, the pettifogger made a large haul + for his services. Shan More swore it was hard if a woman's own brother was + not to be the better for her luck; and Larry Hogan claimed hush-money, for + he could prove Bridget's marriage, and so upset their scheme of plunder. + The convict maintained his claim as husband was stronger than any; but + this, all the others declared, was an outlandish notion he brought back + with him from foreign parts, and did not prevail in their code of laws by + any manner o' means, and even went so far as to say they thought it hard, + after they had “done the job,” that he was to come in and lessen their + profit, which he would, as they were willing to give an even share of the + spoil; and after that, he must be the most discontented villain in the + world if he was not pleased. + </p> + <p> + The convict feigned contentment, but meditated at once revenge against his + wife and the gang, and separate profit for himself. He thought he might + stipulate for a good round sum from Lord Scatterbrain, as he could prove + him free of his supposed matrimonial engagement, and inwardly resolved he + would soon pay a visit to his lordship. But his intentions were suspected + by the gang, and a strict watch kept upon him; and though his + dissimulation and contrivance were of no inferior order, Larry Hogan was + his overmatch, and the convict was detected in having been so near Lord + Scatterbrain's dwelling, that they feared their secret, if not already + revealed, was no longer to be trusted to their new confederate's keeping; + and it was deemed advisable to knock him on the head, and shoot my lord, + which they thought would prevent all chance of the invalidity of the + marriage being discovered, and secure the future payment of the + maintenance. + </p> + <p> + How promptly the murderous determination was acted upon, the preceding + events prove. Andy's courage in the first part of the affair saved his + life; his promptness in afterwards seeking to secure the offenders led to + the important discovery he had just made; and as the convict's depositions + could be satisfactorily backed by proofs which he showed the means of + obtaining, Andy was congratulated heartily by the Squire and Father Blake, + and rode home in almost delirious delight at the prospect of making Oonah + his wife. On reaching the stables, he threw himself from his saddle, let + the horse make his own way to his stall, dashed through the back hall, and + nearly broke his neck in tumbling up-stairs, burst open the drawing-room + door, and made a rush upon Oonah, whom he hugged and kissed most + outrageously, amidst exclamations of the wildest affection. + </p> + <p> + Oonah, half strangled and struggling for breath, at last freed herself + from his embraces, and asked him, angrily, what he was about—in + which inquiry she was backed by his mother. + </p> + <p> + Andy answered by capering round the room, shouting, “Hurroo! I'm not + married at all—hurroo!” He turned over the chairs, upset the tables, + threw the mantelpiece ornaments into the fire, seized the poker and tongs, + and banged them together as he continued dancing and shouting. + </p> + <p> + Oonah and his mother stood gazing at his antics in trembling amazement, + till at last the old woman exclaimed, “Holy Vargin! he's gone mad!” + whereupon she and her niece set up a violent screaming, which called Andy + back to his propriety, and, as well as his excitement would permit, he + told them the cause of his extravagant joy. His wonder and delight were + shared by his mother and the blushing Oonah, who did not struggle so hard + in Andy's embrace on his making a second vehement demonstration of his + love for her. + </p> + <p> + “Let me send for Father Blake, my jewel,” said Andy, “and I'll marry you + at once.” + </p> + <p> + His mother reminded him he must first have his present marriage proved + invalid. Andy uttered several pieces of <i>original</i> eloquence on “the + law's delay.” + </p> + <p> + “Well, anyhow,” said he, “I'll drink your health, my darling girl, this + day, as Lady Scatterbrain—for you must consider yourself as sitch.” + </p> + <p> + “Behave yourself, my lord,” said Oonah, archly. + </p> + <p> + “Bother!” cried Andy, snatching another kiss. + </p> + <p> + “Hillo!” cried Dick Dawson, entering at the moment, and seeing the + romping-match. “You're losing no time, I see, Andy.” + </p> + <p> + Oonah was running from the room, laughing and blushing, when Dick + interposed, and cried, “Ah, don't go, 'my lady,' that <i>is to be</i>.” + </p> + <p> + Oonah slapped down the hand that barred her progress, exclaiming, “You're + just as bad as he is, Mister Dawson!” and ran away. + </p> + <p> + Dick had ridden over, on hearing the news, to congratulate Andy, and + consented to remain and dine with him. Oonah had rather, after what had + taken place, he had not been there, for Dick backed Andy in his tormenting + the girl and joined heartily in drinking to Andy's toast, which, according + to promise, he gave to the health of the future Lady Scatterbrain. + </p> + <p> + It was impossible to repress Andy's wild delight; and in the excitement of + the hour he tossed off bumper after bumper to all sorts of love-making + toasts, till he was quite overcome by his potations, and fit for no place + but bed. To this last retreat of “the glorious” he was requested to + retire, and, after much coaxing, consented. He staggered over to the + window-curtain, which he mistook for that of the bed; in vain they wanted + to lead him elsewhere—he would sleep in no other bed but <i>that</i>—and, + backing out at the window-pane, he made a smash, of which he seemed + sensible, for he said it wasn't a fair trick to put pins in the bed. “I + know it was Oonah did that!—hip!—ha! ha! Lady Scatterbrain!—never + mind—hip!—I'll have my revenge on you yet!” + </p> + <p> + They could not get him up-stairs, so his mother suggested he should sleep + in her room, which was on the same floor, for that night, and at last he + was got into the apartment. There he was assisted to disrobe, as he stood + swaying about at a dressing-table. Chancing to lay his hands on a + pill-box, he mistook it for his watch. + </p> + <p> + “Stop—stop!” he stammered forth—“I must wind my watch;” and, + suiting the action to the word, he began twisting about the pill-box, the + lid of which came off and the pills fell about the floor. “Oh, murder!” + said Lord Scatterbrain, “the works of my watch are fallin' about the flure—pick + them up—pick them up—pick them up—” He could speak no + more, and becoming quite incapable of all voluntary action, was undressed + and put to bed, the last sound which escaped him being a faint muttering—“pick + them up.” + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0031" id="link2HCH0031"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER THE LAST + </h2> + <p> + The day following the eventful one just recorded, the miserable convict + breathed his last. A printed notice was posted in all the adjacent + villages, offering a reward for the apprehension of <i>Shan More</i> and + “other persons unknown,” for their murderous assault; and a small reward + was promised for such “private information as might lead to the + apprehension of the aforesaid,” &c., &c. Larry Hogan at once came + forward and put the authorities on the scent, but still Shan and his + accomplices remained undiscovered. Larry's information on another subject, + however, was more effective. He gave his own testimony to the previous + marriage of Bridget, and pointed out the means of obtaining more, so that, + ere long, Lord Scatterbrain was a “free man.” Though the depositions of + the murdered man did not directly implicate Larry in the murderous attack, + still it showed that he had participated in much of their villany; but, as + in difficult cases, we must put up with bad instruments to reach the ends + of justice, so this rascal was useful for his evidence and private + information, and got his reward. + </p> + <p> + But he got his reward in more ways than one. He knew that he dare not + longer remain in the country after what had taken place, and set off + directly for Dublin by the mail, intending to proceed to England; but + England he never reached. As he was proceeding down the Custom-house quay + in the dusk of the evening, to get on ship-board, his arms were suddenly + seized and drawn behind him by a powerful grasp, while a woman in front + drew a handkerchief across his mouth, and stifled his attempted cries. His + bundle was dragged from him, and the woman ransacked his pockets but they + contained but a few shillings, Larry having hidden the wages of his + treachery to his confederates in the folds of his neck-cloth. To pluck + this from his throat, many a fierce wrench was made by the woman, when her + attempts on the pockets proved worthless; but the handkerchief was knotted + so tightly that she could not disengage it. The approach of some + passengers along the quay alarmed the assailants of Larry, who, ere the + iron grip released him, heard a deep curse in his ear growled by a voice + he well knew, and then he felt himself hurled with gigantic force from the + quay wall. Before the base, cheating, faithless scoundrel could make one + exclamation, he was plunged into the Liffey—even before one mental + aspiration for mercy, he was in the throes of suffocation! The heavy + splash in the water caught the attention of those whose approach had + alarmed the murderers, and seeing a man and woman running, a pursuit + commenced, which ended by Newgate having two fresh tenants the next day. + </p> + <p> + And so farewell to the entire of the abominable crew, whose evil doings + and merited fates have only been recorded when it became necessary to our + story. It is better to leave the debased and the profligate in oblivion + than drag their doings before the day; and it is with happy consciousness + an Irishman may assert, that there is plenty of subject afforded by Irish + character and Irish life honourable to the land, pleasing to the narrator, + and sufficiently attractive to the reader, without the unwholesome + exaggerations of crime which too often disfigure the fictions which pass + under the title of “Irish,” alike offensive to truth as to taste—alike + injurious both for private and public considerations. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <p> + It was in the following autumn that a particular chariot drove up to the + door of the Victoria Hotel, on the shore of Killarney lake. A young man of + elegant bearing handed a very charming young lady from the chariot; aand + that kindest and mos accommodating of hostesses, Mrs. F——, + welcomed the fresh arrival with her good-humoured and smiling face. + </p> + <p> + Why, amidst the crowd of arrivals at the Victoria, one chariot should be + remarkable beyond another, arose from its quiet elegance, which might + strike even a casual observer; but the intelligent Mrs. F—— + saw with half an eye the owners must be high-bred people. To the + apartments already engaged for them they were shown; but few minutes were + lost within doors where such matchless natural beauty tempted them + without. A boat was immediately ordered, and then the newly arrived + visitors were soon on the lake. The boatmen had already worked hard that + day, having pulled one party completely round the lakes—no trifling + task; but the hardy fellows again bent to their oars, and made the + sleeping waters wake in golden flashes to the sunset, till told they need + not pull so hard. + </p> + <p> + “Faith, then, we'll <i>plaze</i> you, sir,” said the stroke-oarsman, with + a grin, “for we have had quite enough of it to-day.” + </p> + <p> + “Do you not think, Fanny,” said Edward O'Connor, for it was he who spoke + to his bride, “Do you not think 'tis more in unison with the tranquil hour + and the coming shadows, to glide softly over the lulled waters?” + </p> + <p> + “Yes,” she replied, “it seems almost sacrilege to disturb this heavenly + repose by the slightest dip of the oar—see how perfectly that lovely + island is reflected.” + </p> + <p> + “That is Innisfallin, my lady,” said the boatman, hearing her allude to + the island, “where the hermitage is.” As he spoke, a gleam of light + sparkled on the island, which was reflected on the water. + </p> + <p> + “One might think the hermit was there too,” said Fanny, “and had just + lighted a lamp for his vigils.” + </p> + <p> + “That's the light of the guide that shows the place to the quality, my + lady, and lives on the island always in a corner of the ould ruin. And, + indeed, if you'd like to see the island this evening, there's time enough, + and 'twould be so much saved out of to-morrow.” + </p> + <p> + The boatman's advice was acted upon, and as they glided towards the + island, Fanny and Edward gazed delightedly on the towering summits of + Magillicuddy's reeks, whose spiral pinnacles and graceful declivities told + out sharply against the golden sky behind them, which, being perfectly + reflected in the calm lake, gave a grand chain of mountain the appearance + of being suspended in glowing heather, for the lake was one bright amber + sheet of light below, and the mountains one massive barrier of shade, till + they cut against the light above. The boat touched the shore of + Innisfallin, and the delighted pair of visitants hurried to its western + point to catch the sunset, lighting with its glory the matchless foliage + of this enchanting spot, where every form of grace exhaustless nature can + display is lavished on the arborial richness of the scene, which, in its + unequalled luxuriance, gives to a fanciful beholder the idea that the <i>trees + themselves have a conscious pleasure in growing there.</i> Oh! what a + witching spot is Innisfallin! + </p> + <p> + Edward had never seen anything so beautiful in his life; and with the + woman he adored resting on his arm, he quoted the lines which Moore has + applied to the Vale of Cashmere, as he asked Fanny would she not like to + live there. + </p> + <p> + “Would you?” said Fanny. + </p> + <p> + Edward answered— + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + “If woman can make the worst wilderness dear, + Think—think what a heaven she must make of Cashmere.” + </pre> + <p> + They lingered on the island till the moon arose, and then re-embarked. The + silvery light exhibited the lake under another aspect, and the dimly + discovered forms of the lofty hills rose one above another, tier upon + tier, circling the waters in their shadowy frame, the beauty of the scene + reached a point of sublimity which might be called holy. As they returned + towards the shelving strand, a long row of peeled branches, standing + upright in the water, attracted Fanny's attention, and she asked their + use. + </p> + <p> + “All the use in life, my lady,” said the boatman, “for without the same + branches, maybe it's not home to-night you'd get.” + </p> + <p> + On Fanny inquiring further the meaning of the boatman's answer, she + learned that the sticks were placed there to indicate the only channel + which permitted a boat to approach the shore on that side of the lake, + where the water was shoal, while in other parts the depth had never been + fathomed. + </p> + <p> + An early excursion on the water was planned for the morning, and Edward + and Fanny were wakened from their slumbers by the tones of the bugle; a + soft Irish melody being breathed by Spillan, followed by a more sportive + one from the other minstrel of the lake, Ganzy. + </p> + <p> + The lake now appeared under another aspect—the morning sun and + morning breeze were upon it, and the sublimity with which the shades of + evening had invested the mountains was changed to that of the most varied + richness; for Autumn hung out its gaudy banner on the lofty hills, crowned + to their summits with all variety of wood, which, though tinged by the + declining year, had scarcely shed one leafy honour. The day was glorious, + and the favouring breeze enabled the boat to career across the sparkling + lake under canvas, till the overhanging hills of the opposite side robbed + them of their aerial wings, and the sail being struck, the boatmen bent to + their oars. As they passed under a promontory, clothed from the water's + edge to its topmost ridge with the most luxuriant vegetation, it was + pointed out to the lady as “the minister's back.” + </p> + <p> + “'T is a strange name,” said Fanny. “Do you know why it is called so?” + </p> + <p> + “Faix, I dunna, my lady—barrin' that it is the best covered back in + the country. But here we come to the <i>aichos</i>,” said he, resting on + his oars. The example was followed by his fellows, and the bugler, lifting + his instrument to his lips, gave one long well-sustained blast. It rang + across the waters gallantly. It returned in a few seconds with such + unearthly sweetness, as though the spirit of the departed sound had become + heavenly, and revisited the place where it had expired. + </p> + <p> + Fanny and Edward listened breathlessly. + </p> + <p> + The bugle gave out its notes again in the well-known “call,” and as + sweetly as before the notes were returned distinctly. + </p> + <p> + And now a soft and slow and simple melody stole from the exquisitely + played bugle, and phrase after phrase was echoed from the responding + hills. How many an emotion stirred within Edward's breast, as the melting + music fell upon his ear! In the midst of matchless beauties he heard the + matchless strains of his native land, and the echoes of her old hills + responding to the triumphs of her old bards. The air, too, bore with it + historic associations;—it told a tale of wrong and of suffering. The + wrong has ceased, the suffering is past, but the air which records them + still lives. + </p> + <p> + “Oh! triumph of the minstrel!” exclaimed Edward in delight. “The tyrant + crumbles in his coffin, while the song of the bard survives! The memory of + a sceptred ruffian is endlessly branded by a simple strain, while many of + the elaborate chronicles of his evil life have passed away and are + mouldering like himself.” + </p> + <p> + Scarcely had the echoes of this exquisite air died away, when the + entrancement it carried was rudely broken by one of the vulgarest tunes + being brayed from a bugle in a boat which was seen rounding the headland + of the wooded promontory. Edward and Fanny writhed, and put their hands to + their ears. “Give way, boys!” said Edward; “for pity's sake get away from + these barbarians. Give way!” + </p> + <p> + Away sprang the boat. To the boatman's inquiry whether they should stop at + “Lady Kenmare's Cottage,” Fanny said “no,” when she found on inquiry it + was a particularly “show-place,” being certain the vulgar party following + <i>would</i> stop there, and therefore time might be gained in getting + away from such disagreeable followers. + </p> + <p> + Dinas Island, fringed with its lovely woods, excited their admiration, as + they passed underneath its shadows, and turned into Turk Lake; here the + labyrinthine nature of the channels through which they had been winding + was changed for a circular expanse of water, over which the lofty + mountain, whence it takes its name, towers in all its wild beauty of wood, + and rock, and heath. + </p> + <p> + At a certain part of the lake, the boatmen, without any visible cause, + rested on their oars. On Edward asking them why they did not pull, he + received this touching answer:— + </p> + <p> + “Sure, your honour would not have us disturb Ned Macarthy's grave!” + </p> + <p> + “Then a boatman was drowned here, I suppose?” said Edward. + </p> + <p> + “Yes, your honour.” The boatman then told how the accident occurred “one + day when there was a stag-hunt on the lake;” but as the anecdote struck + Edward so forcibly that he afterwards recorded it in verse, we will give + the story after his fashion. + </p> + <h3> + MACARTHY'S GRAVE + </h3> + <h3> + I + </h3> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + The breeze was fresh, the morn was fair, + The stag had left his dewy lair; + To cheering horn and baying tongue, + Killarney's echoes sweetly rung. + With sweeping oar and bending mast, + The eager chase was following fast; + When one light skiff a maiden steer'd + Beneath the deep wave disappeared: + Wild shouts of terror wildly ring, + A boatman brave, with gallant spring + And dauntless arm, the lady bore; + But he who saved—was seen no more! +</pre> + <h3> + II + </h3> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + Where weeping birches wildly wave, + There boatmen show their brother's grave; + And while they tell the name he bore, + Suspended hangs the lifted oar; + The silent drops they idly shed + Seem like tears to gallant Ned; + And while gently gliding by, + The tale is told with moistened eye. + No ripple on the slumbering lake + Unhallow'd oar doth ever make; + All undisturb'd, the placid wave + Flows gently o'er Macarthy's grave. +</pre> + <p> + Winding backwards through the channels which lead the explorers of this + scene of nature's enchantment from the lower to the upper lake, the + surpassing beauty of the “Eagle's nest” burst on their view; and as they + hovered under its stupendous crags, clustering with all variety of + verdure, the bugle and the cannon awoke the almost endless reverberation + of sound which is engendered here. Passing onward, a sudden change is + wrought; the soft beauty melts gradually away, and the scene hardens into + frowning rocks and steep acclivities, making a befitting vestibule to the + bold and bleak precipices of “The Reeks,” which form the western barrier + of this upper lake, whose savage grandeur is rendered more striking by the + scenes of fairy-like beauty left behind. But even here, in the midst of + the mightiest desolation, the vegetative vigour of the numerous islands + proves the wondrous productiveness of the soil in these regions. + </p> + <p> + On their return, a great commotion was observable as they approached the + rapids formed by the descending waters of the upper lake to the lower, and + they were hailed and warned by some of the peasants from the shore that + they must not attempt the rapids at present, as a boat, which had just + been upset, lay athwart the passage. On hearing this, Edward and Fanny + landed upon the falls, and walked towards the old bridge, where all was + bustle and confusion, as the dripping passengers were dragged safely to + shore from the capsized boat, which had been upset by the principal + gentleman of the party, whose vulgar trumpetings had so disturbed the + delight of Edward and Fanny, who soon recognised the renowned Andy as the + instigator of the bad music and the cause of the accident. Yes, Lord + Scatterbrain, true to his original practice, was author of all. + </p> + <p> + Nevertheless, he and his party, soused over head and ears as they were, + took the thing in good humour, which was unbroken even by the + irrepressible laughter which escaped from Edward and Fanny, as they + approached and kindly offered assistance. An immediate removal to the + neighbouring cottage on Dinas Island was recommended, particularly as Lady + Scatterbrain was in a delicate situation, as well, indeed, as Mrs. Durfy, + who, with her dear Tom, had joined Lord Scatterbrain's party of pleasure. + </p> + <p> + On reaching the cottage, sufficient change of clothes was obtained to + prevent evil consequences from the ducking. This, under ordinary + circumstances, might not have been easy for so many; but, fortunately, + Lord Scatterbrain had ordered a complete dinner from the hotel to be + served in the cottage, and some of the assistants from the Victoria, who + were necessarily present, helped to dress more than the dinner. What + between cookmaids and waiters, the care-taker of the cottage and the + boatmen, bodies, and skirts, jackets and other conveniences, enabled the + party to sit down to dinner in company, until fire could mend the mistake + of his lordship. Edward and Fanny courteously joined the party; and the + honour of their company was sensibly felt by Andy and Oonah, who would + have borne a ducking a day for the honour of having Fanny and Edward as + their guests. Oonah was by nature a nice creature, and adapted herself to + her elevated position with a modest ease that was surprising. Even Andy + was by this time able to conduct himself tolerably well at table—only + on that particular day he did make a mistake; for when salmon (which is + served at Killarney in all sorts of variety) made its appearance for the + first time in the novel form “<i>en papillote</i>,” Andy ate paper and + all. He refused a second cutlet, however, saying he “<i>thought the skin + tough</i>.” The party, however, passed off mirthfully, the very accident + helping the fun; for, instead of any one being called by name, the “lady + in the jacket,” or the “gentleman in the bedgown,” were the terms of + address; and, after a merrily spent evening, the beds of the Victoria gave + sleep and pleasing dreams to the sojourners of Killarney. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0008" id="linkimage-0008"></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:80%"> + <img src="images/party_killarney.jpg" alt="The Party at Killarney" width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + Kind reader! the shortening space we have prescribed to our volume warns + us we must draw our story to an end. Nine months after this Killarney + excursion, Lord Scatterbrain met Dick Dawson near Mount Eskar, where Lord + Scatterbrain had ridden to make certain inquiries about Mrs. O'Connor's + health. Dick wore a smiling countenance, and to Andy's inquiry answered, + “All right, and doing as well as can be expected.” + </p> + <p> + Lord Scatterbrain, wishing to know whether it was a boy or a girl, made + the inquiry in the true spirit of Andyism—“Tell me, Misther Dawson, + <i>are you an uncle or an aunt?</i>” + </p> + <p> + Andy's mother died soon after of the cold caught by her ducking. On her + death-bed she called Oonah to her, and said, “I leave you this quilt, <i>alanna</i>—'t + is worth more than it appears. The hundred-pound notes Andy gave me I + quilted into the lining, so that if I lived poor all my life till lately, + I died under a quilt of banknotes, anyhow.” + </p> + <p> + Uncle Bob was gathered to his fathers also, and left the bulk of his + property to Augusta, so that Furlong had to regret his contemptible + conduct in rejecting her hand. Augusta indulged in a spite to all mankind + for the future, enjoying her dogs and her independence, and defying Hymen + and hydrophobia for the rest of her life. + </p> + <p> + Gusty went on profiting by the early care of Edward O'Connor, whose + friendship was ever his dearest possession; and Ratty, always wild, + expressed a desire for leading a life of enterprise. As they are both + “Irish heirs,” as well as Lord Scatterbrain, and heirs under very + different circumstances, it is not improbable that in our future + “accounts” something may yet be heard of them, and the grateful author + once more meet his kind readers. + </p> + <h3> + THE END + </h3> + <div style="height: 6em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's Handy Andy, Volume 2 (of 2), by Samuel Lover + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK HANDY ANDY, VOLUME 2 (OF 2) *** + +***** This file should be named 7180-h.htm or 7180-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/7/1/8/7180/ + + +Text file produced by Charles Franks and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team + +HTML file produced by David Widger + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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