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diff --git a/old/tonob10.txt b/old/tonob10.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..9a19cfe --- /dev/null +++ b/old/tonob10.txt @@ -0,0 +1,16426 @@ +**The Project Gutenberg Etext of Tono Bungay, by H. G. Wells** +#6 in our series by Herbert George Wells + + +Copyright laws are changing all over the world, be sure to check +the copyright laws for your country before posting these files!! + +Please take a look at the important information in this header. +We encourage you to keep this file on your own disk, keeping an +electronic path open for the next readers. Do not remove this. + + +**Welcome To The World of Free Plain Vanilla Electronic Texts** + +**Etexts Readable By Both Humans and By Computers, Since 1971** + +*These Etexts Prepared By Hundreds of Volunteers and Donations* + +Information on contacting Project Gutenberg to get Etexts, and +further information is included below. We need your donations. + + +Tono Bungay + +by H. G. 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FOR PUBLIC DOMAIN ETEXTS*Ver.04.29.93*END* + + + + + +John Bean did this. +Proofed against hardcopy, Dianne Bean +Not related. + + + + + +TONO-BUNGAY + +by H.G Wells + + + + +BOOK THE FIRST + +THE DAYS BEFORE TONO-BUNGAY WAS INVENTED + + + + +CHAPTER THE FIRST + +OF BLADESOVER HOUSE, AND MY MOTHER; AND THE CONSTITUTION OF SOCIETY + + +I + +Most people in this world seem to live "in character"; they have +a beginning, a middle and an end, and the three are congruous one +with another and true to the rules of their type. You can speak +of them as being of this sort of people or that. They are, as +theatrical people say, no more (and no less) than "character +actors." They have a class, they have a place, they know what is +becoming in them and what is due to them, and their proper size +of tombstone tells at last how properly they have played the +part. But there is also another kind of life that is not so much +living as a miscellaneous tasting of life. One gets hit by some +unusual transverse force, one is jerked out of one's stratum and +lives crosswise for the rest of the time, and, as it were, in a +succession of samples. That has been my lot, and that is what +has set me at last writing something in the nature of a novel. I +have got an unusual series of impressions that I want very +urgently to tell. I have seen life at very different levels, and +at all these levels I have seen it with a sort of intimacy and in +good faith. I have been a native in many social countries. I +have been the unwelcome guest of a working baker, my cousin, who +has since died in the Chatham infirmary; I have eaten illegal +snacks--the unjustifiable gifts of footmen--in pantries, and been +despised for my want of style (and subsequently married and +divorced) by the daughter of a gasworks clerk; and--to go to my +other extreme--I was once--oh, glittering days!--an item in the +house-party of a countess. She was, I admit, a countess with a +financial aspect, but still, you know, a countess. I've seen +these people at various angles. At the dinner-table I've met not +simply the titled but the great. On one occasion--it is my +brightest memory--I upset my champagne over the trousers of the +greatest statesman in the empire--Heaven forbid I should be so +invidious as to name him!--in the warmth of our mutual +admiration. + +And once (though it is the most incidental thing in my life) I +murdered a man.... + +Yes, I've seen a curious variety of people and ways of living +altogether. Odd people they all are great and small, very much +alike at bottom and curiously different on their surfaces. I +wish I had ranged just a little further both up and down, seeing +I have ranged so far. Royalty must be worth knowing and very +great fun. But my contacts with princes have been limited to +quite public occasions, nor at the other end of the scale have I +had what I should call an inside acquaintance with that dusty but +attractive class of people who go about on the high-roads drunk +but enfamille (so redeeming the minor lapse), in the summertime, +with a perambulator, lavender to sell, sun-brown children, a +smell, and ambiguous bundles that fire the imagination. Navvies, +farm-labourers, sailormen and stokers, all such as sit in 1834 +beer-houses, are beyond me also, and I suppose must remain so now +for ever. My intercourse with the ducal rank too has been +negligible; I once went shooting with a duke, and in an outburst +of what was no doubt snobbishness, did my best to get him in the +legs. But that failed. + +I'm sorry I haven't done the whole lot though.... + +You will ask by what merit I achieved this remarkable social +range, this extensive cross-section of the British social +organism. It was the Accident of Birth. It always is in +England. + +Indeed, if I may make the remark so cosmic, everything is. But +that is by the way. I was my uncle's nephew, and my uncle was no +less a person than Edward Ponderevo, whose comet-like transit of +the financial heavens happened--it is now ten years ago! Do you +remember the days of Ponderevo, the great days, I mean, of +Ponderevo? Perhaps you had a trifle in some world-shaking +enterprise! Then you know him only too well. Astraddle on +Tono-Bungay, he flashed athwart the empty heavens--like a +comet--rather, like a stupendous rocket!--and overawed investors +spoke of his star. At his zenith he burst into a cloud of the +most magnificent promotions. What a time that was! The Napoleon +of domestic conveniences! + +I was his nephew, his peculiar and intimate nephew. I was hanging +on to his coat-tails all the way through. I made pills with him +in the chemist's shop at Wimblehurst before he began. I was, +you might say, the stick of his rocket; and after our tremendous +soar, after he had played with millions, a golden rain in the +sky, after my bird's-eye view of the modern world, I fell again, +a little scarred and blistered perhaps, two and twenty years +older, with my youth gone, my manhood eaten in upon, but greatly +edified, into this Thames-side yard, into these white heats and +hammerings, amidst the fine realites of steel--to think it all +over in my leisure and jot down the notes and inconsecutive +observations that make this book. It was more, you know, than a +figurative soar. The zenith of that career was surely our flight +across the channel in the Lord Roberts B.... + +I warn you this book is going to be something of an +agglomeration. I want to trace my social trajectory (and my +uncle's) as the main line of my story, but as this is my first +novel and almost certainly my last, I want to get in, too, all +sorts of things that struck me, things that amused me and +impressions I got--even although they don't minister directly to +my narrative at all. I want to set out my own queer love +experiences too, such as they are, for they troubled and +distressed and swayed me hugely, and they still seem to me to +contain all sorts of irrational and debatable elements that I +shall be the clearer-headed for getting on paper. And possibly I +may even flow into descriptions of people who are really no more +than people seen in transit, just because it amuses me to recall +what they said and did to us, and more particularly how they +behaved in the brief but splendid glare of Tono-Bungay and its +still more glaring offspring. It lit some of them up, I can +assure you! Indeed, I want to get in all sorts of things. My +ideas of a novel all through are comprehensive rather than +austere.... + +Tono-Bungay still figures on the hoardings, it stands in rows in +every chemist's storeroom, it still assuages the coughs of age +and brightens the elderly eye and loosens the elderly tongue; but +its social glory, its financial illumination, have faded from the +world for ever. And I, sole scorched survivor from the blaze, +sit writing of it here in an air that is never still for the +clang and thunder of machines, on a table littered with working +drawings, and amid fragments of models and notes about velocities +and air and water pressures and trajectories--of an altogether +different sort from that of Tono-Bungay. + +II + +I write that much and look at it, and wonder whether, after all, +this is any fair statement of what I am attempting in this book. +I've given, I see, an impression that I want to make simply a +hotch-potch of anecdotes and experiences with my uncle swimming +in the middle as the largest lump of victual. I'll own that +here, with the pen already started, I realise what a fermenting +mass of things learnt and emotions experienced and theories +formed I've got to deal with, and how, in a sense, hopeless my +book must be from the very outset. I suppose what I'm really +trying to render is nothing more nor less than Life--as one man +has found it. I want to tell--MYSELF, and my impressions of the +thing as a whole, to say things I have come to feel intensely of +the laws, traditions, usages, and ideas we call society, and how +we poor individuals get driven and lured and stranded among these +windy, perplexing shoals and channels. I've got, I suppose, to a +time of life when things begin to take on shapes that have an air +of reality, and become no longer material for dreaming, but +interesting in themselves. I've reached the criticising, +novel-writing age, and here I am writing mine--my one +novel--without having any of the discipline to refrain and omit +that I suppose the regular novel-writer acquires. + +I've read an average share of novels and made some starts before +this beginning, and I've found the restraints and rules of the +art (as I made them out) impossible for me. I like to write, I +am keenly interested in writing, but it is not my technique. +I'm an engineer with a patent or two and a set of ideas; most of +whatever artist there is in me has been given to turbine machines +and boat building and the problem of flying, and do what I will I +fail to see how I can be other than a lax, undisciplined +story-teller. I must sprawl and flounder, comment and theorise, +if I am to get the thing out I have in mind. And it isn't a +constructed tale I have to tell, but unmanageable realities. My +love-story--and if only I can keep up the spirit of truth-telling +all through as strongly as I have now, you shall have it +all--falls into no sort of neat scheme of telling. It involves +three separate feminine persons. It's all mixed up with the +other things.... + +But I've said enough, I hope, to excuse myself for the method or +want of method in what follows, and I think I had better tell +without further delay of my boyhood and my early impressions in +the shadow of Bladesover House. + +III + +There came a time when I realised that Bladesover House was not +all it seemed, but when I was a little boy I took the place with +the entirest faith as a complete authentic microcosm. I +believed that the Bladesover system was a little +working-model--and not so very little either--of the whole world. + +Let me try and give you the effect of it. + +Bladesover lies up on the Kentish Downs, eight miles perhaps from +Ashborough; and its old pavilion, a little wooden parody of the +temple of Vesta at Tibur, upon the hill crest behind the house, +commands in theory at least a view of either sea, of the Channel +southward and the Thames to the northeast. The park is the +second largest in Kent, finely wooded with well-placed beeches, +many elms and some sweet chestnuts, abounding in little valleys +and hollows of bracken, with springs and a stream and three fine +ponds and multitudes of fallow deer. The house was built in the +eighteenth century, it is of pale red brick in the style of a +French chateau, and save for one pass among the crests which +opens to blue distances, to minute, remote, oast-set farm-houses +and copses and wheat fields and the occasional gleam of water, +its hundred and seventeen windows look on nothing but its own +wide and handsome territories. A semi-circular screen of great +beeches masks the church and village, which cluster picturesquely +about the high road along the skirts of the great park. +Northward, at the remotest corner of that enclosure, is a second +dependent village, Ropedean, less fortunate in its greater +distance and also on account of a rector. This divine was indeed +rich, but he was vindictively economical because of some +shrinkage of his tithes; and by reason of his use of the word +Eucharist for the Lord's Supper he had become altogether +estranged from the great ladies of Bladesover. So that Ropedean +was in the shadows through all that youthful time. + +Now the unavoidable suggestion of that wide park and that fair +large house, dominating church, village and the country side, was +that they represented the thing that mattered supremely in the +world, and that all other things had significance only in +relation to them. They represented the Gentry, the Quality, by +and through and for whom the rest of the world, the farming folk +and the labouring folk, the trades-people of Ashborough, and the +upper servants and the lower servants and the servants of the +estate, breathed and lived and were permitted. And the Quality +did it so quietly and thoroughly, the great house mingled so +solidly and effectually earth and sky, the contrast of its +spacious hall and saloon and galleries, its airy housekeeper's +room and warren of offices with the meagre dignities of the +vicar, and the pinched and stuffy rooms of even the post-office +people and the grocer, so enforced these suggestions, that it was +only when I was a boy of thirteen or fourteen and some queer +inherited strain of scepticism had set me doubting whether Mr. +Bartlett, the vicar, did really know with certainty all about +God, that as a further and deeper step in doubting I began to +question the final rightness of the gentlefolks, their primary +necessity in the scheme of things. But once that scepticism had +awakened it took me fast and far. By fourteen I had achieved +terrible blasphemies and sacrilege; I had resolved to marry a +viscount's daughter, and I had blacked the left eye--I think it +was the left--of her half-brother, in open and declared +rebellion. + +But of that in its place. + +The great house, the church, the village, and the labourers and +the servants in their stations and degrees, seemed to me, I say, +to be a closed and complete social system. About us were other +villages and great estates, and from house to house, interlacing, +correlated, the Gentry, the fine Olympians, came and went. The +country towns seemed mere collections of ships, marketing places +for the tenantry, centres for such education as they needed, as +entirely dependent on the gentry as the village and scarcely less +directly so. I thought this was the order of the whole world. I +thought London was only a greater country town where the +gentle-folk kept town-houses and did their greater shopping under +the magnificent shadow of the greatest of all fine gentlewomen, +the Queen. It seemed to be in the divine order. That all this +fine appearance was already sapped, that there were forces at +work that might presently carry all this elaborate social system +in which my mother instructed me so carefully that I might +understand my "place," to Limbo, had scarcely dawned upon me even +by the time that Tono-Bungay was fairly launched upon the world. + +There are many people in England to-day upon whom it has not yet +dawned. There are times when I doubt whether any but a very +inconsiderable minority of English people realise how extensively +this ostensible order has even now passed away. The great houses +stand in the parks still, the cottages cluster respectfully on +their borders, touching their eaves with their creepers, the +English countryside--you can range through Kent from Bladesover +northward and see persists obstinately in looking what it was. +It is like an early day in a fine October. The hand of change +rests on it all, unfelt, unseen; resting for awhile, as it were +half reluctantly, before it grips and ends the thing for ever. +One frost and the whole face of things will be bare, links snap, +patience end, our fine foliage of pretences lie glowing in the +mire. + +For that we have still to wait a little while. The new order may +have gone far towards shaping itself, but just as in that sort of +lantern show that used to be known in the village as the +"Dissolving Views," the scene that is going remains upon the +mind, traceable and evident, and the newer picture is yet +enigmatical long after the lines that are to replace those former +ones have grown bright and strong, so that the new England of our +children's children is still a riddle to me. The ideas of +democracy, of equality, and above all of promiscuous fraternity +have certainly never really entered into the English mind. But +what IS coming into it? All this book, I hope, will bear a +little on that. Our people never formulates; it keeps words for +jests and ironies. In the meanwhile the old shapes, the old +attitudes remain, subtly changed and changing still, sheltering +strange tenants. Bladesover House is now let furnished to Sir +Reuben Lichtenstein, and has been since old Lady Drew died; it +was my odd experience to visit there, in the house of which my +mother had been housekeeper, when my uncle was at the climax of +Tono-Bungay. It was curious to notice then the little +differences that had come to things with this substitution. To +borrow an image from my mineralogical days, these Jews were not +so much a new British gentry as "pseudomorphous" after the +gentry. They are a very clever people, the Jews, but not clever +enough to suppress their cleverness. I wished I could have gone +downstairs to savour the tone of the pantry. It would have been +very different I know. Hawksnest, over beyond, I noted, had its +pseudomorph too; a newspaper proprietor of the type that hustles +along with stolen ideas from one loud sink-or-swim enterprise to +another, had bought the place outright; Redgrave was in the hands +of brewers. + +But the people in the villages, so far as I could detect, saw no +difference in their world. Two little girls bobbed and an old +labourer touched his hat convulsively as I walked through the +village. He still thought he knew his place--and mine. I did +not know him, but I would have liked dearly to have asked him if +he remembered my mother, if either my uncle or old Lichtenstein +had been man enough to stand being given away like that. + +In that English countryside of my boyhood every human being had a +"place." It belonged to you from your birth like the colour of +your eyes, it was inextricably your destiny. Above you were +your betters, below you were your inferiors, and there were even +an unstable questionable few, cases so disputable that you might +for the rough purposes of every day at least, regard them as your +equals. Head and centre of our system was Lady Drew, her +"leddyship," shrivelled, garrulous, with a wonderful memory for +genealogies and very, very old, and beside her and nearly as old, +Miss Somerville, her cousin and companion. These two old souls +lived like dried-up kernels in the great shell of Bladesover +House, the shell that had once been gaily full of fops, of fine +ladies in powder and patches and courtly gentlemen with swords; +and when there was no company they spent whole days in the corner +parlour just over the housekeeper's room, between reading and +slumber and caressing their two pet dogs. When I was a boy I +used always to think of these two poor old creatures as superior +beings living, like God, somewhere through the ceiling. +Occasionally they bumped about a bit and one even heard them +overhead, which gave them a greater effect of reality without +mitigating their vertical predominance. Sometimes too I saw +them. Of course if I came upon them in the park or in the +shrubbery (where I was a trespasser) I hid or fled in pious +horror, but I was upon due occasion taken into the Presence by +request. I remember her "leddyship" then as a thing of black +silks and a golden chain, a quavering injunction to me to be a +good boy, a very shrunken loose-skinned face and neck, and a ropy +hand that trembled a halfcrown into mine. Miss Somerville +hovered behind, a paler thing of broken lavender and white and +black, with screwed up, sandy-lashed eyes. Her hair was yellow +and her colour bright, and when we sat in the housekeeper's room +of a winter's night warming our toes and sipping elder wine, her +maid would tell us the simple secrets of that belated flush.... +After my fight with young Garvell I was of course banished, and I +never saw those poor old painted goddesses again. + +Then there came and went on these floors over our respectful +heads, the Company; people I rarely saw, but whose tricks and +manners were imitated and discussed by their maids and valets in +the housekeeper's room and the steward's room--so that I had them +through a medium at second hand. I gathered that none of the +company were really Lady Drew's equals, they were greater and +lesser after the manner of all things in our world. Once I +remember there was a Prince, with a real live gentleman in +attendance, and that was a little above our customary levels and +excited us all, and perhaps raised our expectations unduly. +Afterwards, Rabbits, the butler, came into my mother's room +downstairs, red with indignation and with tears in his eyes. +"Look at that!" gasped Rabbits. My mother was speechless with +horror. That was a sovereign, a mere sovereign, such as you +might get from any commoner! + +After Company, I remember, came anxious days, for the poor old +women upstairs were left tired and cross and vindictive, and in a +state of physical and emotional indigestion after their social +efforts.... + +On the lowest fringe of these real Olympians hung the vicarage +people, and next to them came those ambiguous beings who are +neither quality nor subjects. The vicarage people certainly hold +a place by themselves in the typical English scheme; nothing is +more remarkable than the progress the Church has +made--socially--in the last two hundred years. In the early +eighteenth century the vicar was rather under than over the +house-steward, and was deemed a fitting match for the housekeeper +or any not too morally discredited discard. The eighteenth +century literature is full of his complaints that he might not +remain at table to share the pie. He rose above these +indignities because of the abundance of younger sons. When I +meet the large assumptions of the contemporary cleric, I am apt +to think of these things. It is curious to note that to-day that +down-trodden, organ-playing creature, the Church of England +village Schoolmaster, holds much the same position as the +seventeenth century parson. The doctor in Bladesover ranked +below the vicar but above the "vet," artists and summer visitors +squeezed in above or below this point according to their +appearance and expenditure, and then in a carefully arranged +scale came the tenantry, the butler and housekeeper, the village +shopkeeper, the head keeper, the cook, the publican, the second +keeper, the blacksmith (whose status was complicated by his +daughter keeping the post-office--and a fine hash she used to +make of telegrams too!) the village shopkeeper's eldest son, the +first footman, younger sons of the village shopkeeper, his first +assistant, and so forth. + +All these conceptions and applications of a universal precedence +and much else I drank in at Bladesover, as I listened to the talk +of valets, ladies'-maids, Rabbits the butler and my mother in the +much-cupboarded, white-painted, chintz-brightened housekeeper's +room where the upper servants assembled, or of footmen and +Rabbits and estate men of all sorts among the green baize and +Windsor chairs of the pantry--where Rabbits, being above the law, +sold beer without a license or any compunction--or of housemaids +and still-room maids in the bleak, matting-carpeted still-room or +of the cook and her kitchen maids and casual friends among the +bright copper and hot glow of the kitchens. + +Of course their own ranks and places came by implication to +these people, and it was with the ranks and places of the +Olympians that the talk mainly concerned itself. There was an +old peerage and a Crockford together with the books of recipes, +the Whitaker's Almanack, the Old Moore's Almanack, and the +eighteenth century dictionary, on the little dresser that broke +the cupboards on one side of my mother's room; there was another +peerage, with the covers off, in the pantry; there was a new +peerage in the billiard-room, and I seem to remember another in +the anomalous apartment that held the upper servants' bagatelle +board and in which, after the Hall dinner, they partook of the +luxury of sweets. And if you had asked any of those upper +servants how such and such a Prince of Battenberg was related +to, let us say, Mr. Cunninghame Graham or the Duke of Argyle, you +would have been told upon the nail. As a boy, I heard a great +deal of that sort of thing, and if to this day I am still a +little vague about courtesy titles and the exact application of +honorifics, it is, I can assure you, because I hardened my heart, +and not from any lack of adequate opportunity of mastering these +succulent particulars. + +Dominating all these memories is the figure of my mother--my +mother who did not love me because I grew liker my father every +day--and who knew with inflexible decision her place and the +place of every one in the world--except the place that concealed +my father--and in some details mine. Subtle points were put to +her. I can see and hear her saying now, "No, Miss Fison, peers +of England go in before peers of the United Kingdom, and he is +merely a peer of the United Kingdom." She had much exercise in +placing people's servants about her tea-table, where the +etiquette was very strict. I wonder sometimes if the etiquette +of housekeepers' rooms is as strict to-day, and what my mother +would have made of a chauffeur.... + +On the whole I am glad that I saw so much as I did of +Bladesover--if for no other reason than because seeing it when I +did, quite naively, believing in it thoroughly, and then coming +to analyse it, has enabled me to understand much that would be +absolutely incomprehensible in the structure of English society. +Bladesover is, I am convinced, the clue to almost all that is +distinctively British and perplexing to the foreign inquirer in +England and the English-speaking peoples. Grasp firmly that +England was all Bladesover two hundred years ago; that it has had +Reform Acts indeed, and such--like changes of formula, but no +essential revolution since then; that all that is modern and +different has come in as a thing intruded or as a gloss upon +this predominant formula, either impertinently or apologetically; +and you will perceive at once the reasonableness, the necessity, +of that snobbishness which is the distinctive quality of English +thought. Everybody who is not actually in the shadow of a +Bladesover is as it were perpetually seeking after lost +orientations. We have never broken with our tradition, never +even symbolically hewed it to pieces, as the French did in +quivering fact in the Terror. But all the organizing ideas have +slackened, the old habitual bonds have relaxed or altogether +come undone. And America too, is, as it were, a detached, +outlying part of that estate which has expanded in queer ways. +George Washington, Esquire, was of the gentlefolk, and he came +near being a King. It was Plutarch, you know, and nothing +intrinsically American that prevented George Washington being a +King.... + +IV + +I hated teatime in the housekeeper's room more than anything else +at Bladesover. And more particularly I hated it when Mrs. +Mackridge and Mrs. Booch and Mrs. Latude-Fernay were staying in +the house. They were, all three of them, pensioned-off servants. + +Old friends of Lady Drew's had rewarded them posthumously for a +prolonged devotion to their minor comforts, and Mrs. Booch was +also trustee for a favourite Skye terrier. Every year Lady Drew +gave them an invitation--a reward and encouragement of virtue +with especial reference to my mother and Miss Fison, the maid. +They sat about in black and shiny and flouncey clothing adorned +with gimp and beads, eating great quantities of cake, drinking +much tea in a stately manner and reverberating remarks. + +I remember these women as immense. No doubt they were of +negotiable size, but I was only a very little chap and they have +assumed nightmare proportions in my mind. They loomed, they +bulged, they impended. Mrs. Mackridge was large and dark; there +was a marvel about her head, inasmuch as she was bald. She wore +a dignified cap, and in front of that upon her brow, hair was +PAINTED. I have never seen the like since. She had been maid to +the widow of Sir Roderick Blenderhasset Impey, some sort of +governor or such-like portent in the East Indies, and from her +remains--in Mrs. Mackridge--I judge Lady Impey was a very +stupendous and crushing creature indeed. Lady Impey had been of +the Juno type, haughty, unapproachable, given to irony and a +caustic wit. Mrs. Mackridge had no wit, but she had acquired the +caustic voice and gestures along with the old satins and +trimmings of the great lady. When she told you it was a fine +morning, she seemed also to be telling you you were a fool and +a low fool to boot; when she was spoken to, she had a way of +acknowledging your poor tinkle of utterance with a voluminous, +scornful "Haw!" that made you want to burn her alive. She also +had a way of saying "Indade!" with a droop of the eyelids. + +Mrs. Booch was a smaller woman, brown haired, with queer little +curls on either side of her face, large blue eyes and a small set +of stereotyped remarks that constituted her entire mental range. +Mrs. Latude-Fernay has left, oddly enough, no memory at all +except her name and the effect of a green-grey silk dress, all +set with gold and blue buttons. I fancy she was a large blonde. +Then there was Miss Fison, the maid who served both Lady Drew and +Miss Somerville, and at the end of the table opposite my mother, +sat Rabbits the butler. Rabbits, for a butler, was an unassuming +man, and at tea he was not as you know butlers, but in a morning +coat and a black tie with blue spots. Still, he was large, with +side whiskers, even if his clean-shaven mouth was weak and +little. I sat among these people on a high, hard, early +Gregorian chair, trying to exist, like a feeble seedling amidst +great rocks, and my mother sat with an eye upon me, resolute to +suppress the slightest manifestation of vitality. It was hard on +me, but perhaps it was also hard upon these rather over-fed, +ageing, pretending people, that my youthful restlessness and +rebellious unbelieving eyes should be thrust in among their +dignities. + +Tea lasted for nearly three-quarters of an hour, and I sat it out +perforce; and day after day the talk was exactly the same. + +"Sugar, Mrs. Mackridge?" my mother used to ask. + +"Sugar, Mrs. Latude-Fernay?" + +The word sugar would stir the mind of Mrs. Mackridge. "They +say," she would begin, issuing her proclamation--at least half +her sentences began "they say"--"sugar is fatt-an-ing, nowadays. +Many of the best people do not take it at all." + +"Not with their tea, ma'am," said Rabbits intelligently. + +"Not with anything," said Mrs. Mackridge, with an air of crushing +repartee, and drank. + +"What won't they say next?" said Miss Fison. + +"They do say such things!" said Mrs. Booch. + +"They say," said Mrs. Mackridge, inflexibly, "the doctors are not +recomm-an-ding it now." + +My Mother: "No, ma'am?" + +Mrs. Mackridge: "No, ma'am." + +Then, to the table at large: "Poor Sir Roderick, before he died, +consumed great quan-ta-ties of sugar. I have sometimes fancied +it may have hastened his end." + +This ended the first skirmish. A certain gloom of manner and a +pause was considered due to the sacred memory of Sir Roderick. + +"George," said my mother, "don't kick the chair!" + +Then, perhaps, Mrs. Booch would produce a favourite piece from +her repertoire. "The evenings are drawing out nicely," she would +say, or if the season was decadent, "How the evenings draw in!" +It was an invaluable remark to her; I do not know how she would +have got along without it. + +My mother, who sat with her back to the window, would always +consider it due to Mrs. Booch to turn about and regard the +evening in the act of elongation or contraction, whichever phase +it might be. + +A brisk discussion of how long we were to the longest or shortest +day would ensue, and die away at last exhausted. + +Mrs. Mackridge, perhaps, would reopen. She had many intelligent +habits; among others she read the paper--The Morning Post. The +other ladies would at times tackle that sheet, but only to read +the births, marriages, and deaths on the front page. It was, of +course, the old Morning Post that cost threepence, not the brisk +coruscating young thing of to-day. "They say," she would open, +"that Lord Tweedums is to go to Canada." + +"Ah!" said Mr. Rabbits; "dew they?" + +"Isn't he," said my mother, "the Earl of Slumgold's cousin?" She +knew he was; it was an entirely irrelevant and unnecessary +remark, but still, something to say. + +"The same, ma'am," said Mrs. Mackridge. "They say he was +extremelay popular in New South Wales. They looked up to him +greatlay. I knew him, ma'am, as a young man. A very nice +pleasant young fella." + +Interlude of respect. + +"'Is predecessor," said Rabbits, who had acquired from some +clerical model a precise emphatic articulation without acquiring +at the same time the aspirates that would have graced it, "got +into trouble at Sydney." + +"Haw!" said Mrs. Mackridge, scornfully, "so am tawled." + +"'E came to Templemorton after 'e came back, and I remember them +talking 'im over after 'e'd gone again." + +"Haw?" said Mrs. Mackridge, interrogatively. + +"'Is fuss was quotin' poetry, ma'am. 'E said--what was it 'e +said--'They lef' their country for their country's good,'--which +in some way was took to remind them of their being originally +convic's, though now reformed. Every one I 'eard speak, agreed +it was takless of 'im." + +"Sir Roderick used to say," said Mrs. Mackridge, "that the First +Thing,"--here Mrs. Mackridge paused and looked dreadfully at +me--"and the Second Thing"--here she fixed me again--"and the +Third Thing"--now I was released--"needed in a colonial governor +is Tact." She became aware of my doubts again, and added +predominantly, "It has always struck me that that was a +Singularly True Remark." + +I resolved that if ever I found this polypus of Tact growing up +in my soul, I would tear it out by the roots, throw it forth and +stamp on it. + +"They're queer people--colonials," said Rabbits, "very queer. +When I was at Templemorton I see something of 'em. Queer +fellows, some of 'em. Very respectful of course, free with their +money in a spasammy sort of way, but-- Some of 'em, I must +confess, make me nervous. They have an eye on you. They watch +you--as you wait. They let themselves appear to be lookin' at +you..." + +My mother said nothing in that discussion. The word colonies +always upset her. She was afraid, I think, that if she turned +her mind in that direction my errant father might suddenly and +shockingly be discovered, no doubt conspicuously bigamic and +altogether offensive and revolutionary. She did not want to +rediscover my father at all. + +It is curious that when I was a little listening boy I had such +an idea of our colonies that I jeered in my heart at Mrs. +Mackridge's colonial ascendancy. These brave emancipated +sunburnt English of the open, I thought, suffer these +aristocratic invaders as a quaint anachronism, but as for being +gratified--! + +I don't jeer now. I'm not so sure. + +V + +It is a little difficult to explain why I did not come to do what +was the natural thing for any one in my circumstances to do, and +take my world for granted. A certain innate scepticism, I think, +explains it and a certain inaptitude for sympathetic +assimilation. My father, I believe, was a sceptic; my mother was +certainly a hard woman. + +I was an only child, and to this day I do not know whether my +father is living or dead. He fled my mother's virtues before my +distincter memories began. He left no traces in his flight, and +she, in her indignation, destroyed every vestige that she could +of him. Never a photograph nor a scrap of his handwriting have I +seen; and it was, I know, only the accepted code of virtue and +discretion that prevented her destroying her marriage +certificate and me, and so making a clean sweep of her +matrimonial humiliation. I suppose I must inherit something of +the moral stupidity that would enable her to make a holocaust of +every little personal thing she had of him. There must have been +presents made by him as a lover, for example--books with kindly +inscriptions, letters perhaps, a flattened flower, a ring, or +such-like gage. She kept her wedding-ring, of course, but all +the others she destroyed. She never told me his christian name +or indeed spoke a word to me of him; though at times I came near +daring to ask her: add what I have of him--it isn't much--I got +from his brother, my hero, my uncle Ponderevo. She wore her +ring; her marriage certificate she kept in a sealed envelope in +the very bottom of her largest trunk, and me she sustained at a +private school among the Kentish hills. You must not think I was +always at Bladesover--even in my holidays. If at the time these +came round, Lady Drew was vexed by recent Company, or for any +other reason wished to take it out of my mother, then she used to +ignore the customary reminder my mother gave her, and I "stayed +on" at the school. + +But such occasions were rare, and I suppose that between ten and +fourteen I averaged fifty days a year at Bladesover. + +Don't imagine I deny that was a fine thing for me. Bladesover, in +absorbing the whole countryside, had not altogether missed +greatness. The Bladesover system has at least done one good +thing for England, it has abolished the peasant habit of mind. +If many of us still live and breathe pantry and housekeeper's +room, we are quit of the dream of living by economising +parasitically on hens and pigs.... About that park there were +some elements of a liberal education; there was a great space of +greensward not given over to manure and food grubbing; there was +mystery, there was matter for the imagination. It was still a +park of deer. I saw something of the life of these dappled +creatures, heard the belling of stags, came upon young fawns +among the bracken, found bones, skulls, and antlers in lonely +places. There were corners that gave a gleam of meaning to the +word forest, glimpses of unstudied natural splendour. There was +a slope of bluebells in the broken sunlight under the newly green +beeches in the west wood that is now precious sapphire in my +memory; it was the first time that I knowingly met Beauty. + +And in the house there were books. The rubbish old Lady Drew +read I never saw; stuff of the Maria Monk type, I have since +gathered, had a fascination for her; but back in the past there +had been a Drew of intellectual enterprise, Sir Cuthbert, the son +of Sir Matthew who built the house; and thrust away, neglected +and despised, in an old room upstairs, were books and treasures +of his that my mother let me rout among during a spell of wintry +wet. Sitting under a dormer window on a shelf above great stores +of tea and spices, I became familiar with much of Hogarth in a +big portfolio, with Raphael, there was a great book of +engravings from the stanzas of Raphael in the Vatican--and with +most of the capitals of Europe as they had looked about 1780, by +means of several pig iron-moulded books of views. There was also +a broad eighteenth century atlas with huge wandering maps that +instructed me mightily. It had splendid adornments about each +map title; Holland showed a fisherman and his boat; Russia a +Cossack; Japan, remarkable people attired in pagodas--I say it +deliberately, "pagodas." There were Terrae Incognitae in every +continent then, Poland, Sarmatia, lands since lost; and many a +voyage I made with a blunted pin about that large, incorrect and +dignified world. The books in that little old closet had been +banished, I suppose, from the saloon during the Victorian revival +of good taste and emasculated orthodoxy, but my mother had no +suspicion of their character. So I read and understood the good +sound rhetoric of Tom Paine's "Rights of Man," and his "Common +Sense," excellent books, once praised by bishops and since +sedulously lied about. Gulliver was there unexpurgated, strong +meat for a boy perhaps but not too strong I hold--I have never +regretted that I escaped niceness in these affairs. The satire +of Traldragdubh made my blood boil as it was meant to do, but I +hated Swift for the Houyhnhnms and never quite liked a horse +afterwards. Then I remember also a translation of Voltaire's +"Candide," and "Rasselas;" and, vast book though it was, I really +believe I read, in a muzzy sort of way of course, from end to +end, and even with some reference now and then to the Atlas, +Gibbon--in twelve volumes. + +These readings whetted my taste for more, and surreptitiously I +raided the bookcases in the big saloon. I got through quite a +number of books before my sacrilegious temerity was discovered by +Ann, the old head-housemaid. I remember that among others I +tried a translation of Plato's "Republic" then, and found +extraordinarily little interest in it; I was much too young for +that; but "Vathek"--"Vathek" was glorious stuff. That kicking +affair! When everybody HAD to kick! + +The thought of "Vathek" always brings back with it my boyish +memory of the big saloon at Bladesover. + +It was a huge long room with many windows opening upon the park, +and each window--there were a dozen or more reaching from the +floor up--had its elaborate silk or satin curtains, heavily +fringed, a canopy (is it?) above, its completely white shutters +folding into the deep thickness of the wall. At either end of +that great still place was an immense marble chimney-piece; the +end by the bookcase showed the wolf and Romulus and Remus, with +Homer and Virgil for supporters; the design of the other end I +have forgotten. Frederick, Prince of Wales, swaggered flatly +over the one, twice life-size, but mellowed by the surface gleam +of oil; and over the other was an equally colossal group of +departed Drews as sylvan deities, scantily clad, against a +storm-rent sky. Down the centre of the elaborate ceiling were +three chandeliers, each bearing some hundreds of dangling glass +lustres, and over the interminable carpet--it impressed me as +about as big as Sarmatia in the store-room Atlas--were islands +and archipelagoes of chintz-covered chairs and couches, tables, +great Sevres vases on pedestals, a bronze man and horse. +Somewhere in this wilderness one came, I remember, upon--a big +harp beside a lyre-shaped music stand, and a grand piano.... + +The book-borrowing raid was one of extraordinary dash and danger. + +One came down the main service stairs--that was legal, and +illegality began in a little landing when, very cautiously, one +went through a red baize door. A little passage led to the hall, +and here one reconnoitered for Ann, the old head-housemaid--the +younger housemaids were friendly and did not count. Ann located, +came a dash across the open space at the foot of that great +staircase that has never been properly descended since powder +went out of fashion, and so to the saloon door. A beast of an +oscillating Chinaman in china, as large as life, grimaced and +quivered to one's lightest steps. That door was the perilous +place; it was double with the thickness of the wall between, so +that one could not listen beforehand for the whisk of the +feather-brush on the other side. Oddly rat-like, is it not, this +darting into enormous places in pursuit of the abandoned crumbs +of thought? + +And I found Langhorne's "Plutarch" too, I remember, on those +shelves. It seems queer to me now to think that I acquired pride +and self-respect, the idea of a state and the germ of public +spirit, in such a furtive fashion; queer, too, that it should +rest with an old Greek, dead these eighteen hundred years to +teach that. + +VI + +The school I went to was the sort of school the Bladesover system +permitted. The public schools that add comic into existence in +the brief glow of the Renascence had been taken possession of by +the ruling class; the lower classes were not supposed to stand in +need of schools, and our middle stratum got the schools it +deserved, private schools, schools any unqualified pretender was +free to establish. Mine was kept by a man who had had the energy +to get himself a College of Preceptors diploma, and considering +how cheap his charges were, I will readily admit the place might +have been worse. The building was a dingy yellow-brick residence +outside the village, with the schoolroom as an outbuilding of +lath and plaster. + +I do not remember that my school-days were unhappy--indeed I +recall a good lot of fine mixed fun in them--but I cannot without +grave risk of misinterpretation declare that we were at all nice +and refined. We fought much, not sound formal fighting, but +"scrapping" of a sincere and murderous kind, into which one might +bring one's boots--it made us tough at any rate--and several of +us were the sons of London publicans, who distinguished "scraps" +where one meant to hurt from ordered pugilism, practising both +arts, and having, moreover, precocious linguistic gifts. Our +cricket-field was bald about the wickets, and we played without +style and disputed with the umpire; and the teaching was chiefly +in the hands of a lout of nineteen, who wore ready-made clothes +and taught despicably. The head-master and proprietor taught us +arithmetic, algebra, and Euclid, and to the older boys even +trigonometry, himself; he had a strong mathematical bias, and I +think now that by the standard of a British public school he did +rather well by us. + +We had one inestimable privilege at that school, and that was +spiritual neglect. We dealt with one another with the forcible +simplicity of natural boys, we "cheeked," and "punched" and +"clouted"; we thought ourselves Red Indians and cowboys and +such-like honourable things, and not young English gentlemen; we +never felt the strain of "Onward Christian soldiers," nor were +swayed by any premature piety in the cold oak pew of our Sunday +devotions. All that was good. We spent our rare pennies in the +uncensored reading matter of the village dame's shop, on the Boys +of England, and honest penny dreadfuls--ripping stuff, stuff +that anticipated Haggard and Stevenson, badly printed and queerly +illustrated, and very very good for us. On our half-holidays we +were allowed the unusual freedom of rambling in twos and threes +wide and far about the land, talking experimentally, dreaming +wildly. There was much in those walks! To this day the +landscape of the Kentish world, with its low broad distances, its +hop gardens and golden stretches of wheat, its oasts and square +church towers, its background of downland and hangers, has for me +a faint sense of adventure added to the pleasure of its beauty. +We smoked on occasion, but nobody put us up to the proper +"boyish" things to do; we never "robbed an orchard" for example, +though there were orchards all about us, we thought stealing was +sinful, we stole incidental apples and turnips and strawberries +from the fields indeed, but in a criminal inglorious fashion, and +afterwards we were ashamed. We had our days of adventure, but +they were natural accidents, our own adventures. There was one +hot day when several of us, walking out towards Maidstone, were +incited by the devil to despise ginger beer, and we fuddled +ourselves dreadfully with ale; and a time when our young minds +were infected to the pitch of buying pistols, by the legend of +the Wild West. Young Roots from Highbury came back with a +revolver and cartridges, and we went off six strong to live a +free wild life one holiday afternoon. We fired our first shot +deep in the old flint mine at Chiselstead, and nearly burst our +ear drums; then we fired in a primrose studded wood by Pickthorn +Green, and I gave a false alarm of "keeper," and we fled in +disorder for a mile. After which Roots suddenly shot at a +pheasant in the high road by Chiselstead, and then young Barker +told lies about the severity of the game laws and made Roots sore +afraid, and we hid the pistol in a dry ditch outside the school +field. A day or so after we got in again, and ignoring a certain +fouling and rusting of the barrel, tried for a rabbit at three +hundred yards. Young Roots blew a molehill at twenty paces into +a dust cloud, burnt his fingers, and scorched his face; and the +weapon having once displayed this strange disposition to flame +back upon the shooter, was not subsequently fired. + +One main source of excitement for us was "cheeking" people in +vans and carts upon the Goudhurst road; and getting myself into a +monstrous white mess in the chalk pits beyond the village, and +catching yellow jaundice as a sequel to bathing stark naked with +three other Adamites, old Ewart leading that function, in the +rivulet across Hickson's meadows, are among my memorabilia. +Those free imaginative afternoons! how much they were for us! how +much they did for us! All streams came from the then +undiscovered "sources of the Nile" in those days, all thickets +were Indian jungles, and our best game, I say it with pride, I +invented. I got it out of the Bladesover saloon. We found a +wood where "Trespassing" was forbidden, and did the "Retreat of +the Ten Thousand" through it from end to end, cutting our way +bravely through a host of nettle beds that barred our path, and +not forgetting to weep and kneel when at last we emerged within +sight of the High Road Sea. So we have burst at times, weeping +and rejoicing, upon startled wayfarers. Usually I took the part +of that distinguished general Xenophen--and please note the +quantity of the o. I have all my classical names like +that,--Socrates rhymes with Bates for me, and except when the +bleak eye of some scholar warns me of his standards of judgment, +I use those dear old mispronunciations still. The little splash +into Latin made during my days as a chemist washed off nothing of +the habit. Well,--if I met those great gentlemen of the past +with their accents carelessly adjusted I did at least meet them +alive, as an equal, and in a living tongue. Altogether my school +might easily have been worse for me, and among other good things +it gave me a friend who has lasted my life out. + +This was Ewart, who is now a monumental artist at Woking, after +many vicissitudes. Dear chap, how he did stick out of his +clothes to be sure! He was a longlimbed lout, ridiculously tall +beside my more youth full compactness, and, except that there was +no black moustache under his nose blob, he had the same round +knobby face as he has to-day, the same bright and active hazel +brown eyes, the stare, the meditative moment, the insinuating +reply. Surely no boy ever played the fool as Bob Ewart used to +play it, no boy had a readier knack of mantling the world with +wonder. Commonness vanished before Ewart, at his expository +touch all things became memorable and rare. From him I first +heard tell of love, but only after its barbs were already +sticking in my heart. He was, I know now the bastard of that +great improvident artist, Rickmann Ewart; he brought the light of +a lax world that at least had not turned its back upon beauty, +into the growing fermentation of my mind. + +I won his heart by a version of Vathek, and after that we were +inseparable yarning friends. We merged our intellectual stock so +completely that I wonder sometimes how much I did not become +Ewart, how much Ewart is not vicariously and derivatively me. + +VII + +And then when I had newly passed my fourteenth birthday, came my +tragic disgrace. + +It was in my midsummer holidays that the thing happened, and it +was through the Honourable Beatrice Normandy. She had "come into +my life," as they say, before I was twelve. + +She descended unexpectedly into a peaceful interlude that +followed the annual going of those Three Great Women. She came +into the old nursery upstairs, and every day she had tea with us +in the housekeeper's room. She was eight, and she came with a +nurse called Nannie; and to begin with, I did not like her at +all. + +Nobody liked this irruption into the downstairs rooms; the two +"gave trouble,"--a dire offence; Nannie's sense of duty to her +charge led to requests and demands that took my mother's breath +away. Eggs at unusual times, the reboiling of milk, the +rejection of an excellent milk pudding--not negotiated +respectfully but dictated as of right. Nannie was a dark, +longfeatured, taciturn woman in a grey dress; she had a furtive +inflexibility of manner that finally dismayed and crushed and +overcame. She conveyed she was "under orders"--like a Greek +tragedy. She was that strange product of the old time, a +devoted, trusted servant; she had, as it were, banked all her +pride and will with the greater, more powerful people who +employed her, in return for a life-long security of +servitude--the bargain was nonetheless binding for being +implicit. Finally they were to pension her, and she would die +the hated treasure of a boarding-house. She had built up in +herself an enormous habit of reference to these upstairs people, +she had curbed down all discordant murmurings of her soul, her +very instincts were perverted or surrendered. She was sexless, +her personal pride was all transferred, she mothered another +woman's child with a hard, joyless devotion that was at least +entirely compatible with a stoical separation. She treated us +all as things that counted for nothing save to fetch and carry +for her charge. But the Honourable Beatrice could condescend. + +The queer chances of later years come between me and a distinctly +separated memory of that childish face. When I think of Beatrice, +I think of her as I came to know her at a later time, when at +last I came to know her so well that indeed now I could draw her, +and show a hundred little delicate things you would miss in +looking at her. But even then I remember how I noted the +infinite delicacy of her childish skin and the fine eyebrow, +finer than the finest feather that ever one felt on the breast of +a bird. She was one of those elfin, rather precocious little +girls, quick coloured, with dark hair, naturally curling dusky +hair that was sometimes astray over her eyes, and eyes that were +sometimes impishly dark, and sometimes a clear brown yellow. And +from the very outset, after a most cursory attention to Rabbits, +she decided that the only really interesting thing at the +tea-table was myself. + +The elders talked in their formal dull way--telling Nannie the +trite old things about the park and the village that they told +every one, and Beatrice watched me across the table with a +pitiless little curiosity that made me uncomfortable. + +"Nannie," she said, pointing, and Nannie left a question of my +mother's disregarded to attend to her; "is he a servant boy? " + +"S-s-sh," said Nannie. "He's Master Ponderevo." + +"Is he a servant boy?" repeated Beatrice. + +"He's a schoolboy," said my mother. + +"Then may I talk to him, Nannie?" + +Nannie surveyed me with brutal inhumanity. "You mustn't talk too +much," she said to her charge, and cut cake into fingers for her. + +"No," she added decisively, as Beatrice made to speak. + +Beatrice became malignant. Her eyes explored me with +unjustifiable hostility. "He's got dirty hands," she said, +stabbing at the forbidden fruit. "And there's a fray to his +collar." + +Then she gave herself up to cake with an appearance of entire +forgetfulness of me that filled me with hate and a passionate +desire to compel her to admire me.... And the next day before +tea, I did for the first time in my life, freely, without command +or any compulsion, wash my hands. + +So our acquaintance began, and presently was deepened by a whim +of hers. She had a cold and was kept indoors, and confronted +Nannie suddenly with the alternative of being hopelessly naughty, +which in her case involved a generous amount of screaming +unsuitable for the ears of an elderly, shaky, rich aunt, or +having me up to the nursery to play with her all the afternoon. +Nannie came downstairs and borrowed me in a careworn manner; and +I was handed over to the little creature as if I was some large +variety of kitten. I had never had anything to do with a little +girl before, I thought she was more beautiful and wonderful and +bright than anything else could possibly be in life, and she +found me the gentlest of slaves--though at the same time, as I +made evident, fairly strong. And Nannie was amazed to find the +afternoon slip cheerfully and rapidly away. She praised my +manners to Lady Drew and to my mother, who said she was glad to +hear well of me, and after that I played with Beatrice several +times. The toys she had remain in my memory still as great +splendid things, gigantic to all my previous experience of toys, +and we even went to the great doll's house on the nursery landing +to play discreetly with that, the great doll's house that the +Prince Regent had given Sir Harry Drew's first-born (who died at +five, that was a not ineffectual model of Bladesover itself, and +contained eighty-five dolls and had cost hundreds of pounds. I +played under imperious direction with that toy of glory. + +I went back to school when that holiday was over, dreaming of +beautiful things, and got Ewart to talk to me of love; and I made +a great story out of the doll's house, a story that, taken over +into Ewart's hands, speedily grew to an island doll's city all +our own. + +One of the dolls, I privately decided, was like Beatrice. + +One other holiday there was when I saw something of her--oddly +enough my memory of that second holiday in which she played a +part is vague--and then came a gap of a year, and then my +disgrace. + +VIII + +Now I sit down to write my story and tell over again things in +their order, I find for the first time how inconsecutive and +irrational a thing the memory can be. One recalls acts and cannot +recall motives; one recalls quite vividly moments that stand out +inexplicably-- things adrift, joining on to nothing, leading +nowhere. I think I must have seen Beatrice and her half-brother +quite a number of times in my last holiday at Bladesover, but I +really cannot recall more than a little of the quality of the +circumstances. That great crisis of my boyhood stands out very +vividly as an effect, as a sort of cardinal thing for me, but +when I look for details, particularly details that led up to the +crisis--I cannot find them in any developing order at all. This +halfbrother, Archie Garvell, was a new factor in the affair. I +remember him clearly as a fair-haired, supercilious looking, +weedily-lank boy, much taller than I, but I should imagine very +little heavier, and that we hated each other by a sort of +instinct from the beginning; and yet I cannot remember my first +meeting with him at all. + +Looking back into these past things--it is like rummaging in a +neglected attic that has experienced the attentions of some +whimsical robber--I cannot even account for the presence of +these children at Bladesover. They were, I know, among the +innumerable cousins of Lady Drew, and according to the theories +of downstairs candidates for the ultimate possession of +Bladesover. If they were, their candidature was unsuccessful. +But that great place, with all its faded splendour, its fine +furniture, its large traditions, was entirely at the old lady's +disposition; and I am inclined to think it is true that she used +this fact to torment and dominate a number of eligible people. +Lord Osprey was among the number of these, and she showed these +hospitalities to his motherless child and step-child, partly, no +doubt, because he was poor, but quite as much, I nowadays +imagine, in the dim hope of finding some affectionate or +imaginative outcome of contact with them. Nannie had dropped out +of the world this second time, and Beatrice was in the charge of +an extremely amiable and ineffectual poor army-class young woman +whose name I never knew. They were, I think, two remarkably +illmanaged and enterprising children. I seem to remember too, +that it was understood that I was not a fit companion for them, +and that our meetings had to be as unostentatious as possible. +It was Beatrice who insisted upon our meeting. + +I am certain I knew quite a lot about love at fourteen and that I +was quite as much in love with Beatrice then as any impassioned +adult could be, and that Beatrice was, in her way, in love with +me. It is part of the decent and useful pretences of our world +that children of the age at which we were, think nothing, feel +nothing, know nothing of love. It is wonderful what people the +English are for keeping up pretences. But indeed I cannot avoid +telling that Beatrice and I talked of love and kissed and +embraced one another. + +I recall something of one talk under the overhanging bushes of +the shrubbery--I on the park side of the stone wall, and the lady +of my worship a little inelegantly astride thereon. Inelegantly +do I say? you should have seen the sweet imp as I remember her. +Just her poise on the wall comes suddenly clear before me, and +behind her the light various branches of the bushes of the +shrubbery that my feet might not profane, and far away and high +behind her, dim and stately, the cornice of the great facade of +Bladesover rose against the dappled sky. Our talk must have been +serious and business-like, for we were discussing my social +position. + +"I don't love Archie," she had said, apropos of nothing; and then +in a whisper, leaning forward with the hair about her face, "I +love YOU!" + +But she had been a little pressing to have it clear that I was +not and could not be a servant. + +"You'll never be a servant--ever!" + +I swore that very readily, and it is a vow I have kept by nature. + +"What will you be?" said she. + +I ran my mind hastily over the professions. + +"Will you be a soldier?" she asked. + +"And be bawled at by duffers? No fear!" said I. "Leave that to +the plough-boys." + +"But an officer? " + +"I don't know," I said, evading a shameful difficulty. + +"I'd rather go into the navy." + +"Wouldn't you like to fight?" + +"I'd like to fight," I said. "But a common soldier it's no +honour to have to be told to fight and to be looked down upon +while you do it, and how could I be an officer?" + +"Couldn't you be?" she said, and looked at me doubtfully; and the +spaces of the social system opened between us. + +Then, as became a male of spirit, I took upon myself to brag and +lie my way through this trouble. I said I was a poor man, and +poor men went into the navy; that I "knew" mathematics, which no +army officer did; and I claimed Nelson for an exemplar, and spoke +very highly of my outlook upon blue water. "He loved Lady +Hamilton," I said, "although she was a lady--and I will love +you." + +We were somewhere near that when the egregious governess became +audible, calling "Beeee-atrice! Beeee-e-atrice!" + +"Snifty beast!" said my lady, and tried to get on with the +conversation; but that governess made things impossible. + +"Come here!" said my lady suddenly, holding out a grubby hand; +and I went very close to her, and she put her little head down +upon the wall until her black fog of hair tickled my cheek. + +"You are my humble, faithful lover," she demanded in a whisper, +her warm flushed face near touching mine, and her eyes very dark +and lustrous. + +"I am your humble, faithful lover," I whispered back. + +And she put her arm about my head and put out her lips and we +kissed, and boy though I was, I was all atremble. So we two +kissed for the first time. + +"Beeee-e-e-a-trice!" fearfully close. + +My lady had vanished, with one wild kick of her black-stocking +leg. A moment after, I heard her sustaining the reproaches of +her governess, and explaining her failure to answer with an +admirable lucidity and disingenuousness. + +I felt it was unnecessary for me to be seen just then, and I +vanished guiltily round the corner into the West Wood, and so to +love-dreams and single-handed play, wandering along one of those +meandering bracken valleys that varied Bladesover park. And +that day and for many days that kiss upon my lips was a seal, and +by night the seed of dreams. + +Then I remember an expedition we made--she, I, and her +half-brother--into those West Woods--they two were supposed to be +playing in the shrubbery--and how we were Indians there, and made +a wigwam out of a pile of beech logs, and how we stalked deer, +crept near and watched rabbits feeding in a glade, and almost got +a squirrel. It was play seasoned with plentiful disputing +between me and young Garvell, for each firmly insisted upon the +leading roles, and only my wider reading--I had read ten stories +to his one--gave me the ascendency over him. Also I scored over +him by knowing how to find the eagle in a bracken stem. And +somehow--I don't remember what led to it at all--I and Beatrice, +two hot and ruffled creatures, crept in among the tall bracken +and hid from him. The great fronds rose above us, five feet or +more, and as I had learnt how to wriggle through that undergrowth +with the minimum of betrayal by tossing greenery above, I led the +way. The ground under bracken is beautifully clear and faintly +scented in warm weather; the stems come up black and then green; +if you crawl flat, it is a tropical forest in miniature. I led +the way and Beatrice crawled behind, and then as the green of the +further glade opened before us, stopped. She crawled up to me, +her hot little face came close to mine; once more she looked and +breathed close to me, and suddenly she flung her arm about my +neck and dragged me to earth beside her, and kissed me and kissed +me again. We kissed, we embraced and kissed again, all without a +word; we desisted, we stared and hesitated--then in a suddenly +damped mood and a little perplexed at ourselves, crawled out, to +be presently run down and caught in the tamest way by Archie. + +That comes back very clearly to me, and other vague memories--I +know old Hall and his gun, out shooting at jackdaws, came into +our common experiences, but I don't remember how; and then at +last, abruptly, our fight in the Warren stands out. The Warren, +like most places in England that have that name, was not +particularly a warren, it was a long slope of thorns and beeches +through which a path ran, and made an alternative route to the +downhill carriage road between Bladesover and Ropedean. I don't +know how we three got there, but I have an uncertain fancy it was +connected with a visit paid by the governess to the Ropedean +vicarage people. But suddenly Archie and I, in discussing a +game, fell into a dispute for Beatrice. I had made him the +fairest offer: I was to be a Spanish nobleman, she was to be my +wife, and he was to be a tribe of Indians trying to carry her +off. It seems to me a fairly attractive offer to a boy to be a +whole tribe of Indians with a chance of such a booty. But Archie +suddenly took offence. + +"No," he said; "we can't have that!" + +"Can't have what?" + +"You can't be a gentleman, because you aren't. And you can't +play Beatrice is your wife. It's--it's impertinent." + +"But" I said, and looked at her. + +Some earlier grudge in the day's affairs must have been in +Archie's mind. "We let you play with us," said Archie; "but we +can't have things like that." + +"What rot!" said Beatrice. "He can if he likes." + +But he carried his point. I let him carry it, and only began to +grow angry three or four minutes later. Then we were still +discussing play and disputing about another game. Nothing seemed +right for all of us. + +"We don't want you to play with us at all," said Archie. + +"Yes, we do," said Beatrice. + +"He drops his aitches like anything." + +"No, 'e doesn't," said I, in the heat of the moment. + +"There you go!" he cried. "E, he says. E! E! E!" + +He pointed a finger at me. He had struck to the heart of my +shame. I made the only possible reply by a rush at him. +"Hello!" he cried, at my blackavised attack. He dropped back +into an attitude that had some style in it, parried my blow, got +back at my cheek, and laughed with surprise and relief at his own +success. Whereupon I became a thing of murderous rage. He could +box as well or better than I--he had yet to realise I knew +anything of that at all--but I had fought once or twice to a +finish with bare fists. I was used to inflicting and enduring +savage hurting, and I doubt if he had ever fought. I hadn't +fought ten seconds before I felt this softness in him, realised +all that quality of modern upper-class England that never goes to +the quick, that hedges about rules and those petty points of +honour that are the ultimate comminution of honour, that claims +credit for things demonstrably half done. He seemed to think +that first hit of his and one or two others were going to matter, +that I ought to give in when presently my lip bled and dripped +blood upon my clothes. So before we had been at it a minute he +had ceased to be aggressive except in momentary spurts, and I was +knocking him about almost as I wanted to do; and demanding +breathlessly and fiercely, after our school manner, whether he +had had enough, not knowing that by his high code and his soft +training it was equally impossible for him to either buck-up and +beat me, or give in. + +I have a very distinct impression of Beatrice dancing about us +during the affair in a state of unladylike appreciation, but I +was too preoccupied to hear much of what she was saying. But she +certainly backed us both, and I am inclined to think now--it may +be the disillusionment of my ripened years--whichever she +thought was winning. + +Then young Garvell, giving way before my slogging, stumbled and +fell over a big flint, and I, still following the tradition of my +class and school, promptly flung myself on him to finish him. We +were busy with each other on the ground when we became aware of a +dreadful interruption. + +"Shut up, you FOOL!" said Archie. + +"Oh, Lady Drew!" I heard Beatrice cry. "They're fighting! +They're fighting something awful!" + +I looked over my shoulder. Archie's wish to get up became +irresistible, and my resolve to go on with him vanished +altogether. + +I became aware of the two old ladies, presences of black and +purple silk and fur and shining dark things; they had walked up +through the Warren, while the horses took the hill easily, and so +had come upon us. Beatrice had gone to them at once with an air +of taking refuge, and stood beside and a little behind them. We +both rose dejectedly. The two old ladies were evidently quite +dreadfully shocked, and peering at us with their poor old eyes; +and never had I seen such a tremblement in Lady Drew's +lorgnettes. + +"You've never been fighting? " said Lady Drew. + +"You have been fighting." + +"It wasn't proper fighting," snapped Archie, with accusing eyes +on me. + +"It's Mrs. Ponderevo's George!" said Miss Somerville, so adding +a conviction for ingratitude to my evident sacrilege. + +"How could he DARE?" cried Lady Drew, becoming very awful. + +"He broke the rules" said Archie, sobbing for breath. "I +slipped, and--he hit me while I was down. He knelt on me." + +"How could you DARE?" said Lady Drew. + +I produced an experienced handkerchief rolled up into a tight +ball, and wiped the blood from my chin, but I offered no +explanation of my daring. Among other things that prevented +that, I was too short of breath. + +"He didn't fight fair," sobbed Archie. + +Beatrice, from behind the old ladies, regarded me intently and +without hostility. I am inclined to think the modification of my +face through the damage to my lip interested her. It became +dimly apparent to my confused intelligence that I must not say +these two had been playing with me. That would not be after the +rules of their game. I resolved in this difficult situation upon +a sulky silence, and to take whatever consequences might follow. + +IX + +The powers of justice in Bladesover made an extraordinary mess +of my case. + +I have regretfully to admit that the Honourable Beatrice Normandy +did, at the age of ten, betray me, abandon me, and lie most +abominably about me. She was, as a matter of fact, +panic-stricken about me, conscience stricken too; she bolted from +the very thought of my being her affianced lover and so forth, +from the faintest memory of kissing; she was indeed altogether +disgraceful and human in her betrayal. She and her half-brother +lied in perfect concord, and I was presented as a wanton +assailant of my social betters. They were waiting about in the +Warren, when I came up and spoke to them, etc. + +On the whole, I now perceive Lady Drew's decisions were, in the +light of the evidence, reasonable and merciful. + +They were conveyed to me by my mother, who was, I really believe, +even more shocked by the grossness of my social insubordination +than Lady Drew. She dilated on her ladyship's kindnesses to me, +on the effrontery and wickedness of my procedure, and so came at +last to the terms of my penance. "You must go up to young Mr. +Garvell, and beg his pardon." + +"I won't beg his pardon," I said, speaking for the first time. + +My mother paused, incredulous. + +I folded my arms on her table-cloth, and delivered my wicked +little ultimatum. "I won't beg his pardon nohow," I said. +"See?" + +"Then you will have to go off to your uncle Frapp at Chatham." + +"I don't care where I have to go or what I have to do, I won't +beg his pardon," I said. + +And I didn't. + +After that I was one against the world. Perhaps in my mother's +heart there lurked some pity for me, but she did not show it. +She took the side of the young gentleman; she tried hard, she +tried very hard, to make me say I was sorry I had struck him. +Sorry! + +I couldn't explain. + +So I went into exile in the dog-cart to Redwood station, with +Jukes the coachman, coldly silent, driving me, and all my +personal belongings in a small American cloth portmanteau behind. + +I felt I had much to embitter me; the game had and the beginnings +of fairness by any standards I knew.... But the thing that +embittered me most was that the Honourable Beatrice Normandy +should have repudiated and fled from me as though I was some +sort of leper, and not even have taken a chance or so, to give me +a good-bye. She might have done that anyhow! Supposing I had +told on her! But the son of a servant counts as a servant. She +had forgotten and now remembered. + +I solaced myself with some extraordinary dream of coming back to +Bladesover, stern, powerful, after the fashion of Coriolanus. I +do not recall the details, but I have no doubt I displayed great +magnanimity... + +Well, anyhow I never said I was sorry for pounding young Garvell, +and I am not sorry to this day. + + +CHAPTER THE SECOND + +OF MY LAUNCH INTO THE WORLD AND THE LAST I SAW OF BLADESOVER + +I + +When I was thus banished from Bladesover House, as it was then +thought for good and all, I was sent by my mother in a vindictive +spirit, first to her cousin Nicodemus Frapp, and then, as a +fully indentured apprentice, to my uncle Ponderevo. + +I ran away from the care of my cousin Nicodemus back to +Bladesover House. + +My cousin Nicodemus Frapp was a baker in a back street--a slum +rather--just off that miserable narrow mean high road that +threads those exquisite beads, Rochester and Chatham. He was, I +must admit, a shock to me, much dominated by a young, plump, +prolific, malingering wife; a bent, slow-moving, unwilling dark +man with flour in his hair and eyelashes, in the lines of his +face and the seams of his coat. I've never had a chance to +correct my early impression of him, and he still remains an +almost dreadful memory, a sort of caricature of incompetent +simplicity. As I remember him, indeed, he presented the servile +tradition perfected. He had no pride in his person; fine clothes +and dressing up wasn't "for the likes of" him, so that he got his +wife, who was no artist at it, to cut his black hair at irregular +intervals, and let his nails become disagreeable to the +fastidious eye; he had no pride in his business nor any +initiative; his only virtues were not doing certain things and +hard work. "Your uncle," said my mother--all grown-up cousins +were uncles by courtesy among the Victorian middle-class-- "isn't +much to look at or talk to, but he's a Good Hard-Working Man." +There was a sort of base honourableness about toil, however +needless, in that system of inversion. Another point of honour +was to rise at or before dawn, and then laboriously muddle about. + +It was very distinctly impressed on my mind that the Good +Hard-Working Man would have thought it "fal-lallish" to own a +pocket handkerchief. Poor old Frapp--dirty and crushed by, +product of, Bladesover's magnificence! He made no fight against +the world at all, he was floundering in small debts that were not +so small but that finally they overwhelmed him, whenever there +was occasion for any exertion his wife fell back upon pains and +her "condition," and God sent them many children, most of whom +died, and so, by their coming and going, gave a double exercise +in the virtues of submission. + +Resignation to God's will was the common device of these people +in the face of every duty and every emergency. There were no +books in the house; I doubt if either of them had retained the +capacity for reading consecutively for more than a minute or so, +and it was with amazement that day after day, over and above +stale bread, one beheld food and again more food amidst the +litter that held permanent session on the living-room table. + +One might have doubted if either of them felt discomfort in this +dusty darkness of existence, if it was not that they did visibly +seek consolation. They sought this and found it of a Sunday, not +in strong drink and raving, but in imaginary draughts of blood. +They met with twenty or thirty other darkened and unclean people, +all dressed in dingy colours that would not show the dirt, in a +little brick-built chapel equipped with a spavined roarer of a +harmonium, and there solaced their minds on the thought that all +that was fair and free in life, all that struggled, all that +planned and made, all pride and beauty and honour, all fine and +enjoyable things, were irrevocably damned to everlasting +torments. They were the self-appointed confidants of God's +mockery of his own creation. So at any rate they stick in my +mind. Vaguer, and yet hardly less agreeable than this cosmic +jest, this coming "Yah, clever!" and general serving out and +"showing up" of the lucky, the bold, and the cheerful, was their +own predestination to Glory. + + "There is a Fountain, filled with Blood + Drawn from Emmanuel's Veins," + +so they sang. I hear the drone and wheeze of that hymn now. I +hated them with the bitter uncharitable condemnation of boyhood, +and a twinge of that hate comes back to me. As I write the +words, the sounds and then the scene return, these obscure, +undignified people, a fat woman with asthma, an old Welsh +milk-seller with a tumour on his bald head, who was the +intellectual leader of the sect, a huge-voiced haberdasher with a +big black beard, a white-faced, extraordinarily pregnant woman, +his wife, a spectacled rate collector with a bent back.... I +hear the talk about souls, the strange battered old phrases that +were coined ages ago in the seaports of the sun-dry Levant, of +balm of Gilead and manna in the desert, of gourds that give shade +and water in a thirsty land; I recall again the way in which at +the conclusion of the service the talk remained pious in form but +became medical in substance, and how the women got together for +obstetric whisperings. I, as a boy, did not matter, and might +overhear. + +If Bladesover is my key for the explanation of England, I think +my invincible persuasion that I understand Russia was engendered +by the circle of Uncle Frapp. + +I slept in a dingy sheeted bed with the two elder survivors of +Frapp fecundity, and spent my week days in helping in the +laborious disorder of the shop and bakehouse, in incidental +deliveries of bread and so forth, and in parrying the probings of +my uncle into my relations with the Blood, and his confidential +explanations that ten shillings a week--which was what my mother +paid him--was not enough to cover my accommodation. He was very +anxious to keep that, but also he wanted more. There were +neither books nor any seat nor corner in that house where reading +was possible, no newspaper ever brought the clash of worldly +things into its heavenward seclusion; horror of it all grew in me +daily, and whenever I could I escaped into the streets and +tramped about Chatham. The news shops appealed to me +particularly. One saw there smudgy illustrated sheets, the +Police News in particular, in which vilely drawn pictures brought +home to the dullest intelligence an interminable succession of +squalid crimes, women murdered and put into boxes, buried under +floors, old men bludgeoned at midnight by robbers, people thrust +suddenly out of trains, happy lovers shot, vitrioled and so forth +by rivals. I got my first glimpse of the life of pleasure in +foully drawn pictures of "police raids" on this and that. +Interspersed with these sheets were others in which Sloper, the +urban John Bull, had his fling with gin bottle and obese +umbrella, or the kindly empty faces of the Royal Family appeared +and reappeared, visiting this, opening that, getting married, +getting offspring, lying in state, doing everything but anything, +a wonderful, good-meaning, impenetrable race apart. + +I have never revisited Chatham; the impression it has left on my +mind is one of squalid compression, unlit by any gleam of a +maturer charity. All its effects arranged themselves as +antithetical to the Bladesover effects. They confirmed and +intensified all that Bladesover suggested. Bladesover declared +itself to be the land, to be essentially England; I have already +told how its airy spaciousness, its wide dignity, seemed to +thrust village, church, and vicarage into corners, into a +secondary and conditional significance. Here one gathered the +corollary of that. Since the whole wide country of Kent was +made up of contiguous Bladesovers and for the gentlefolk, the +surplus of population, all who were not good tenants nor good +labourers, Church of England, submissive and respectful, were +necessarily thrust together, jostled out of sight, to fester as +they might in this place that had the colours and even the smells +of a well-packed dustbin. They should be grateful even for +that; that, one felt, was the theory of it all. + +And I loafed about this wilderness of crowded dinginess, with +young, receptive, wide-open eyes, and through the blessing (or +curse) of some fairy godmother of mine, asking and asking again: +"But after all, WHY--" + +I wandered up through Rochester once, and had a glimpse of the +Stour valley above the town, all horrible with cement works and +foully smoking chimneys and rows of workmen's cottages, minute, +ugly, uncomfortable, and grimy. So I had my first intimation of +how industrialism must live in a landlord's land. I spent some +hours, too, in the streets that give upon the river, drawn by the +spell of the sea. But I saw barges and ships stripped of magic +and mostly devoted to cement, ice, timber, and coal. The sailors +looked to me gross and slovenly men, and the shipping struck me +as clumsy, ugly, old, and dirty. I discovered that most sails +don't fit the ships that hoist them, and that there may be as +pitiful and squalid a display of poverty with a vessel as with a +man. When I saw colliers unloading, watched the workers in the +hold filling up silly little sacks and the succession of +blackened, half-naked men that ran to and fro with these along a +plank over a thirty-foot drop into filth and mud, I was first +seized with admiration of their courage and toughness and then, +"But after all, WHY--?" and the stupid ugliness of all this waste +of muscle and endurance came home to me. Among other things it +obviously wasted and deteriorated the coal.... And I had +imagined great things of the sea! + +Well, anyhow, for a time that vocation was stilled. + +But such impressions came into my leisure, and of that I had no +excess. Most of my time was spent doing things for Uncle Frapp, +and my evenings and nights perforce in the company of the two +eldest of my cousins. He was errand boy at an oil shop and +fervently pious, and of him I saw nothing until the evening +except at meals; the other was enjoying the midsummer holidays +without any great elation; a singularly thin and abject, stunted +creature he was, whose chief liveliness was to pretend to be a +monkey, and who I am now convinced had some secret disease that +drained his vitality away. If I met him now I should think him a +pitiful little creature and be extremely sorry for him. Then I +felt only a wondering aversion. He sniffed horribly, he was +tired out by a couple of miles of loafing, he never started any +conversation, and he seemed to prefer his own company to mine. +His mother, poor woman, said he was the "thoughtful one." + +Serious trouble came suddenly out of a conversation we held in +bed one night. Some particularly pious phrase of my elder +cousin's irritated me extremely, and I avowed outright my entire +disbelief in the whole scheme of revealed religion. I had never +said a word about my doubts to any one before, except to Ewart +who had first evolved them. I had never settled my doubts until +at this moment when I spoke. But it came to me then that the +whole scheme of salvation of the Frappes was not simply doubtful, +but impossible. I fired this discovery out into the darkness +with the greatest promptitude. + +My abrupt denials certainly scared my cousin amazingly. + +At first they could not understand what I was saying, and when +they did I fully believe they expected an instant answer in +thunderbolts and flames. They gave me more room in the bed +forthwith, and then the elder sat up and expressed his sense of +my awfulness. I was already a little frightened at my temerity, +but when he asked me categorically to unsay what I had said, what +could I do but confirm my repudiation? + +"There's no hell," I said, "and no eternal punishment. No God +would be such a fool as that." + +My elder cousin cried aloud in horror, and the younger lay +scared, but listening. "Then you mean," said my elder cousin, +when at last he could bring himself to argue, "you might do just +as you liked?" + +"If you were cad enough," said I. + +Our little voices went on interminably, and at one stage my +cousin got out of bed and made his brother do likewise, and knelt +in the night dimness and prayed at me. That I found trying, but +I held out valiantly. "Forgive him, "said my cousin, "he knows +not what he sayeth." + +"You can pray if you like," I said, "but if you're going to cheek +me in your prayers I draw the line." + +The last I remember of that great discussion was my cousin +deploring the fact that he "should ever sleep in the same bed +with an Infidel!" + +The next day he astonished me by telling the whole business to +his father. This was quite outside all my codes. Uncle +Nicodemus sprang it upon me at the midday meal. + +"You been sayin' queer things, George," he said abruptly. "You +better mind what you're saying." + +"What did he say, father?" said Mrs. Frapp. + +"Things I couldn't' repeat," said he. + +"What things?" I asked hotly. + +"Ask 'IM," said my uncle, pointing with his knife to his +informant, and making me realise the nature of my offence. My +aunt looked at the witness. "Not--?" she framed a question. + +"Wuss," said my uncle. "Blarsphemy." + +My aunt couldn't touch another mouthful. I was already a little +troubled in my conscience by my daring, and now I began to feel +the black enormity of the course upon which I had embarked. + +"I was only talking sense," I said. + +I had a still more dreadful moment when presently I met my cousin +in the brick alley behind the yard, that led back to his grocer's +shop. + +"You sneak!" I said, and smacked his face hard forthwith. "Now +then," said I. + +He started back, astonished and alarmed. His eyes met mine, and +I saw a sudden gleam of resolution. He turned his other cheek to +me. + +"'It 'it," he said."'It 'it. I'LL forgive you." + +I felt I had never encountered a more detestable way of evading a +licking. I shoved him against the wall and left him there, +forgiving me, and went back into the house. + +"You better not speak to your cousins, George," said my aunt, +"till you're in a better state of mind." + +I became an outcast forthwith. At supper that night a gloomy +silence was broken by my cousin saying + +"'E 'it me for telling you, and I turned the other cheek, +muvver." + +"'E's got the evil one be'ind 'im now, a ridin' on 'is back," +said my aunt, to the grave discomfort of the eldest girl, who sat +beside me. + +After supper my uncle, in a few ill-chosen words, prayed me to +repent before I slept. + +"Suppose you was took in your sleep, George," he said; "where'd +you be then? You jest think of that me boy." By this time I was +thoroughly miserable and frightened, and this suggestion unnerved +me dreadfully but I kept up an impenitent front. "To wake in +'ell," said Uncle Nicodemus, in gentle tones. "You don't want to +wake in 'ell, George, burnin' and screamin' for ever, do you? +You wouldn't like that?" + +He tried very hard to get me to "jest 'ave a look at the +bake'ouse fire" before I retired. "It might move you," he said. + +I was awake longest that night. My cousins slept, the sleep of +faith on either side of me. I decided I would whisper my +prayers, and stopped midway because I was ashamed, and perhaps +also because I had an idea one didn't square God like that. + +"No," I said, with a sudden confidence, "damn me if you're coward +enough.... But you're not. No! You couldn't be!" + +I woke my cousins up with emphatic digs, and told them as much, +triumphantly, and went very peacefully to sleep with my act of +faith accomplished. + +I slept not only through that night, but for all my nights since +then. So far as any fear of Divine injustice goes, I sleep +soundly, and shall, I know, to the end of things. That +declaration was an epoch in my spiritual life. + +II + +But I didn't expect to have the whole meeting on Sunday turned on +to me. + +It was. It all comes back to me, that convergence of attention, +even the faint leathery smell of its atmosphere returns, and the +coarse feel of my aunt's black dress beside me in contact with my +hand. I see again the old Welsh milkman "wrestling" with me, +they all wrestled with me, by prayer or exhortation. And I was +holding out stoutly, though convinced now by the contagion of +their universal conviction that by doing so I was certainly and +hopelessly damned. I felt that they were right, that God was +probably like them, and that on the whole it didn't matter. And +to simplify the business thoroughly I had declared I didn't +believe anything at all. They confuted me by texts from +Scripture which I now perceive was an illegitimate method of +reply. When I got home, still impenitent and eternally lost and +secretly very lonely and miserable and alarmed, Uncle Nicodemus +docked my Sunday pudding. + +One person only spoke to me like a human being on that day of +wrath, and that was the younger Frapp. He came up to me in the +afternoon while I was confined upstairs with a Bible and my own +thoughts. + +"'Ello," he said, and fretted about. + +"D'you mean to say there isn't--no one," he said, funking the +word. + +"No one?" + +"No one watching yer--always." + +"Why should there be?" I asked. + +"You can't 'elp thoughts," said my cousin, "anyhow. You mean--" +He stopped hovering. "I s'pose I oughtn't to be talking to you." + +He hesitated and flitted away with a guilty back glance over his +shoulder.... + +The following week made life quite intolerable for me; these +people forced me at last into an Atheism that terrified me. When +I learnt that next Sunday the wrestling was to be resumed, my +courage failed me altogether. + +I happened upon a map of Kent in a stationer's window on +Saturday, and that set me thinking of one form of release. I +studied it intently for half an hour perhaps, on Saturday night, +got a route list of villages well fixed in my memory, and got up +and started for Bladesover about five on Sunday morning while my +two bed mates were still fast asleep. + +III + +I remember something, but not so much of it as I should like to +recall, of my long tramp to Bladesover House. The distance from +Chatham is almost exactly seventeen miles, and it took me until +nearly one. It was very interesting and I do not think I was +very fatigued, though I got rather pinched by one boot. + +The morning must have been very clear, because I remember that +near Itchinstow Hall I looked back and saw the estuary of the +Thames, that river that has since played so large a part in my +life. But at the time I did not know it was the Thames, I +thought this great expanse of mud flats and water was the sea, +which I had never yet seen nearly. And out upon it stood ships, +sailing ships and a steamer or so, going up to London or down out +into the great seas of the world. I stood for a long time +watching these and thinking whether after all I should not have +done better to have run away to sea. + +The nearer I drew to Bladesover, the more doubtful I grew of the +duality of my reception, and the more I regretted that +alternative. I suppose it was the dirty clumsiness of the +shipping I had seen nearly, that put me out of mind of that. I +took a short cut through the Warren across the corner of the main +park to intercept the people from the church. I wanted to avoid +meeting any one before I met my mother, and so I went to a place +where the path passed between banks, and without exactly hiding, +stood up among the bushes. This place among other advantages +eliminated any chance of seeing Lady Drew, who would drive round +by the carriage road. + +Standing up to waylay in this fashion I had a queer feeling of +brigandage, as though I was some intrusive sort of bandit among +these orderly things. It is the first time I remember having +that outlaw feeling distinctly, a feeling that has played a +large part in my subsequent life. I felt there existed no place +for me that I had to drive myself in. + +Presently, down the hill, the servants appeared, straggling by +twos and threes, first some of the garden people and the butler's +wife with them, then the two laundry maids, odd inseparable old +creatures, then the first footman talking to the butler's little +girl, and at last, walking grave and breathless beside old Ann +and Miss Fison, the black figure of my mother. + +My boyish mind suggested the adoption of a playful form of +appearance. "Coo-ee, mother" said I, coming out against the +sky,"Coo-ee!" + +My mother looked up, went very white, and put her hand to her +bosom. + +I suppose there was a fearful fuss about me. And of course I was +quite unable to explain my reappearance. But I held out +stoutly, "I won't go back to Chatham; I'll drown myself first." +The next day my mother carried me off to Wimblehurst, took me +fiercely and aggressively to an uncle I had never heard of +before, near though the place was to us. She gave me no word +as to what was to happen, and I was too subdued by her manifest +wrath and humiliation at my last misdemeanour to demand +information. I don't for one moment think Lady Drew was "nice" +about me. The finality of my banishment was endorsed and +underlined and stamped home. I wished very much now that I had +run away to sea, in spite of the coal dust and squalour Rochester +had revealed to me. Perhaps over seas one came to different +lands. + + +IV + +I do not remember much of my journey to Wimblehurst with my +mother except the image of her as sitting bolt upright, as rather +disdaining the third-class carriage in which we traveled, and +how she looked away from me out of the window when she spoke of +my uncle. "I have not seen your uncle," she said, "since he was +a boy...." She added grudgingly, "Then he was supposed to be +clever." + +She took little interest in such qualities as cleverness. + +"He married about three years ago, and set up for himself in +Wimblehurst.... So I suppose she had some money." + +She mused on scenes she had long dismissed from her mind. +"Teddy," she said at last in the tone of one who has been feeling +in the dark and finds. "He was called Teddy... about your +age.... Now he must be twenty-six or seven." + +I thought of my uncle as Teddy directly I saw him; there was +something in his personal appearance that in the light of that +memory phrased itself at once as Teddiness--a certain Teddidity. +To describe it in and other terms is more difficult. It is +nimbleness without grace, and alertness without intelligence. He +whisked out of his shop upon the pavement, a short figure in grey +and wearing grey carpet slippers; one had a sense of a young +fattish face behind gilt glasses, wiry hair that stuck up and +forward over the forehead, an irregular nose that had its +aquiline moments, and that the body betrayed an equatorial +laxity, an incipient "bow window" as the image goes. He jerked +out of the shop, came to a stand on the pavement outside, +regarded something in the window with infinite appreciation, +stroked his chin, and, as abruptly, shot sideways into the door +again, charging through it as it were behind an extended hand. + +"That must be him," said my mother, catching at her breath. + +We came past the window whose contents I was presently to know by +heart, a very ordinary chemist's window except that there was a +frictional electrical machine, an air pump and two or three +tripods and retorts replacing the customary blue, yellow, and red +bottles above. There was a plaster of Paris horse to indicate +veterinary medicines among these breakables, and below were scent +packets and diffusers and sponges and soda-water syphons and +such-like things. Only in the middle there was a rubricated +card, very neatly painted by hand, with these words-- + + Buy Ponderevo's Cough Linctus NOW. + NOW! + WHY? + Twopence Cheaper than in Winter. + You Store apples! why not the Medicine + You are Bound to Need? + +in which appeal I was to recognise presently my uncle's +distinctive note. + +My uncle's face appeared above a card of infant's comforters in +the glass pane of the door. I perceived his eyes were brown, and +that his glasses creased his nose. It was manifest he did not +know us from Adam. A stare of scrutiny allowed an expression of +commercial deference to appear in front of it, and my uncle flung +open the door. + +"You don't know me?" panted my mother. + +My uncle would not own he did not, but his curiosity was +manifest. My mother sat down on one of the little chairs before +the soap and patent medicine-piled counter, and her lips opened +and closed. + +"A glass of water, madam," said my uncle, waved his hand in a +sort of curve and shot away. + +My mother drank the water and spoke. "That boy," she said, +"takes after his father. He grows more like him every day.... +And so I have brought him to you." + +"His father, madam?" + +"George." + +For a moment the chemist was still at a loss. He stood behind +the counter with the glass my mother had returned to him in his +hand. Then comprehension grew. + +"By Gosh!" he said. "Lord!" he cried. His glasses fell off. He +disappeared replacing them, behind a pile of boxed-up bottles of +blood mixture. "Eleven thousand virgins!" I heard him cry. The +glass was banged down. "O-ri-ental Gums!" + +He shot away out of the shop through some masked door. One heard +his voice. "Susan! Susan!" + +Then he reappeared with an extended hand. "Well, how are you?" +he said. "I was never so surprised in my life. Fancy!... You!" + +He shook my mother's impassive hand and then mine very warmly +holding his glasses on with his left forefinger. + +"Come right in!" he cried--"come right in! Better late than +never!" and led the way into the parlour behind the shop. + +After Bladesover that apartment struck me as stuffy and petty, +but it was very comfortable in comparison with the Frapp +living-room. It had a faint, disintegrating smell of meals +about it, and my most immediate impression was of the remarkable +fact that something was hung about or wrapped round or draped +over everything. There was bright-patterned muslin round the +gas-bracket in the middle of the room, round the mirror over the +mantel, stuff with ball-fringe along the mantel and casing in the +fireplace,--I first saw ball-fringe here--and even the lamp on +the little bureau wore a shade like a large muslin hat. The +table-cloth had ball-fringe and so had the window curtains, and +the carpet was a bed of roses. There were little cupboards on +either side of the fireplace, and in the recesses, ill-made +shelves packed with books, and enriched with pinked American +cloth. There was a dictionary lying face downward on the table, +and the open bureau was littered with foolscap paper and the +evidences of recently abandoned toil. My eye caught "The +Ponderevo Patent Flat, a Machine you can Live in," written in +large firm letters. My uncle opened a little door like a +cupboard door in the corner of this room, and revealed the +narrowest twist of staircase I had ever set eyes upon. "Susan!" +he bawled again. "Wantje. Some one to see you. Surprisin'." + +There came an inaudible reply, and a sudden loud bump over our +heads as of some article of domestic utility pettishly flung +aside, then the cautious steps of someone descending the twist, +and then my aunt appeared in the doorway with her hand upon the +jamb. + +"It's Aunt Ponderevo," cried my uncle. "George's wife--and she's +brought over her son!" His eye roamed about the room. He darted +to the bureau with a sudden impulse, and turned the sheet about +the patent flat face down. Then he waved his glasses at us, "You +know, Susan, my elder brother George. I told you about 'im lots +of times." + +He fretted across to the hearthrug and took up a position there, +replaced his glasses and coughed. + +My aunt Susan seemed to be taking it in. She was then rather a +pretty slender woman of twenty-three or four, I suppose, and I +remember being struck by the blueness of her eyes and the clear +freshness of her complexion. She had little features, a button +nose, a pretty chin and a long graceful neck that stuck out of +her pale blue cotton morning dress. There was a look of +half-assumed perplexity on her face, a little quizzical wrinkle +of the brow that suggested a faintly amused attempt to follow my +uncle's mental operations, a vain attempt and a certain +hopelessness that had in succession become habitual. She seemed +to be saying, "Oh Lord! What's he giving me THIS time?" And as +came to know her better I detected, as a complication of her +effort of apprehension, a subsidiary riddle to "What's he giving +me?" and that was--to borrow a phrase from my schoolboy language +"Is it keeps?" She looked at my mother and me, and back to her +husband again. + +"You know," he said. "George." + +"Well," she said to my mother, descending the last three steps of +the staircase and holding out her hand! "you're welcome. Though +it's a surprise.... I can't ask you to HAVE anything, I'm +afraid, for there isn't anything in the house." She smiled, and +looked at her husband banteringly. "Unless he makes up something +with his old chemicals, which he's quite equal to doing." + +My mother shook hands stiffly, and told me to kiss my aunt.... + +"Well, let's all sit down," said my uncle, suddenly whistling +through his clenched teeth, and briskly rubbing his hands +together. He put up a chair for my mother, raised the blind of +the little window, lowered it again, and returned to his +hearthrug. "I'm sure," he said, as one who decides, "I'm very +glad to see you." + +V + +As they talked I gave my attention pretty exclusively to my +uncle. + +I noted him in great detail. I remember now his partially +unbuttoned waistcoat, as though something had occurred to +distract him as he did it up, and a little cut upon his chin. I +liked a certain humour in his eyes. I watched, too, with the +fascination that things have for an observant boy, the play of +his lips--they were a little oblique, and there was something +"slipshod," if one may strain a word so far, about his mouth, so +that he lisped and sibilated ever and again and the coming and +going of a curious expression, triumphant in quality it was, upon +his face as he talked. He fingered his glasses, which did not +seem to fit his nose, fretted with things in his waistcoat +pockets or put his hands behind him, looked over our heads, and +ever and again rose to his toes and dropped back on his heels. +He had a way of drawing air in at times through his teeth that +gave a whispering zest to his speech It's a sound I can only +represent as a soft Zzzz. + +He did most of the talking. My mother repeated what she had +already said in the shop, "I have brought George over to you," +and then desisted for a time from the real business in hand. +"You find this a comfortable house?" she asked; and this being +affirmed: "It looks--very convenient.... Not too big to be a +trouble--no. You like Wimblehurst, I suppose?" + +My uncle retorted with some inquiries about the great people of +Bladesover, and my mother answered in the character of a personal +friend of Lady Drew's. The talk hung for a time, and then my +uncle embarked upon a dissertation upon Wimblehurst. + +"This place," he began, "isn't of course quite the place I ought +to be in." + +My mother nodded as though she had expected that. + +"It gives me no Scope," he went on. "It's dead-and-alive. +Nothing happens." + +"He's always wanting something to happen," said my aunt Susan. +"Some day he'll get a shower of things and they'll be too much +for him." + +"Not they," said my uncle, buoyantly. + +"Do you find business--slack?" asked my mother. + +"Oh! one rubs along. But there's no Development--no growth. +They just come along here and buy pills when they want 'em--and a +horseball or such. They've got to be ill before there's a +prescription. That sort they are. You can't get 'em to launch +out, you can't get 'em to take up anything new. For instance, +I've been trying lately--induce them to buy their medicines in +advance, and in larger quantities. But they won't look for it! +Then I tried to float a little notion of mine, sort of an +insurance scheme for colds; you pay so much a week, and when +you've got a cold you get a bottle of Cough Linctus so long as +you can produce a substantial sniff. See? But Lord! they've no +capacity for ideas, they don't catch on; no Jump about the place, +no Life. Live!--they trickle, and what one has to do here is to +trickle too-- Zzzz." + +"Ah!" said my mother. + +"It doesn't suit me," said my uncle. "I'm the cascading sort." + +"George was that," said my mother after a pondering moment. + +My aunt Susan took up the parable with an affectionate glance at +her husband. + +"He's always trying to make his old business jump," she said. +"Always putting fresh cards in the window, or getting up to +something. You'd hardly believe. It makes ME jump sometimes." + +"But it does no good," said my uncle. + +"It does no good," said his wife. "It's not his miloo..." + +Presently they came upon a wide pause. + +From the beginning of their conversation there had been the +promise of this pause, and I pricked my ears. I knew perfectly +what was bound to come; they were going to talk of my father. I +was enormously strengthened in my persuasion when I found my +mother's eyes resting thoughtfully upon me in the silence, and +than my uncle looked at me and then my aunt. I struggled +unavailingly to produce an expression of meek stupidity. + +"I think," said my uncle, "that George will find it more amusing +to have a turn in the market-place than to sit here talking with +us. There's a pair of stocks there, George--very interesting. +Old-fashioned stocks." + +"I don't mind sitting here," I said. + +My uncle rose and in the most friendly way led me through the +shop. He stood on his doorstep and jerked amiable directions to +me. + +"Ain't it sleepy, George, eh? There's the butcher's dog over +there, asleep in the road-half an hour from midday! If the last +Trump sounded I don't believe it would wake. Nobody would wake! +The chaps up there in the churchyard--they'd just turn over and +say: 'Naar--you don't catch us, you don't! See?'.... Well, +you'll find the stocks just round that corner." + +He watched me out of sight. + +So I never heard what they said about my father after all. + +VI + +When I returned, my uncle had in some remarkable way become +larger and central. "Tha'chu, George?" he cried, when the +shop-door bell sounded. "Come right through"; and I found him, +as it were, in the chairman's place before the draped grate. + +The three of them regarded me. + +"We have been talking of making you a chemist, George," said my +uncle. + +My mother looked at me. "I had hoped," she said, "that Lady Drew +would have done something for him--" She stopped. + +"In what way?" said my uncle. + +"She might have spoken to some one, got him into something +perhaps...." She had the servant's invincible persuasion that +all good things are done by patronage. + +"He is not the sort of boy for whom things are done," she added, +dismissing these dreams. "He doesn't accommodate himself. When +he thinks Lady Drew wishes a thing, he seems not to wish it. +Towards Mr. Redgrave, too, he has been--disrespectful--he is like +his father." + +"Who's Mr. Redgrave?" + +"The Vicar." + +"A bit independent?" said my uncle, briskly. + +"Disobedient," said my mother. "He has no idea of his place. He +seems to think he can get on by slighting people and flouting +them. He'll learn perhaps before it is too late." + +My uncle stroked his cut chin and me. "Have you learnt any +Latin?" he asked abruptly. + +I said I had not. + +"He'll have to learn a little Latin," he explained to my mother, +"to qualify. H'm. He could go down to the chap at the grammar +school here--it's just been routed into existence again by the +Charity Commissioners and have lessons." + +"What, me learn Latin!" I cried, with emotion. + +"A little," he said. + +"I've always wanted" I said and; "LATIN!" + +I had long been obsessed by the idea that having no Latin was a +disadvantage in the world, and Archie Garvell had driven the +point of this pretty earnestly home. The literature I had read +at Bladesover had all tended that way. Latin had had a quality +of emancipation for me that I find it difficult to convey. And +suddenly, when I had supposed all learning was at an end for me, +I heard this! + +"It's no good to you, of course," said my uncle, "except to pass +exams with, but there you are!" + +"You'll have to learn Latin because you have to learn Latin," +said my mother, "not because you want to. And afterwards you +will have to learn all sorts of other things...." + +The idea that I was to go on learning, that to read and master +the contents of books was still to be justifiable as a duty, +overwhelmed all other facts. I had had it rather clear in my +mind for some weeks that all that kind of opportunity might close +to me for ever. I began to take a lively interest in this new +project. + +"Then shall I live here?" I asked, "with you, and study... as +well as work in the shop?" + +"That's the way of it," said my uncle. + +I parted from my mother that day in a dream, so sudden and +important was this new aspect of things to me. I was to learn +Latin! Now that the humiliation of my failure at Bladesover was +past for her, now that she had a little got over her first +intense repugnance at this resort to my uncle and contrived +something that seemed like a possible provision for my future, +the tenderness natural to a parting far more significant than any +of our previous partings crept into her manner. + +She sat in the train to return, I remember, and I stood at the +open door of her compartment, and neither of us knew how soon we +should cease for ever to be a trouble to one another. + +"You must be a good boy, George," she said. "You must learn.... +And you mustn't set yourself up against those who are above you +and better than you.... Or envy them." + +"No, mother," I said. + +I promised carelessly. Her eyes were fixed upon me. I was +wondering whether I could by any means begin Latin that night. + +Something touched her heart then, some thought, some memory; +perhaps some premonition.... The solitary porter began slamming +carriage doors. + +"George" she said hastily, almost shamefully, "kiss me!" + +I stepped up into her compartment as she bent downward. + +She caught me in her arms quite eagerly, she pressed me to her--a +strange thing for her to do. I perceived her eyes were +extraordinarily bright, and then this brightness burst along the +lower lids and rolled down her cheeks. + +For the first and last time in my life I saw my mother's tears. +Then she had gone, leaving me discomforted and perplexed, +forgetting for a time even that I was to learn Latin, thinking of +my mother as of something new and strange. + +The thing recurred though I sought to dismiss it, it stuck itself +into my memory against the day of fuller understanding. Poor, +proud, habitual, sternly narrow soul! poor difficult and +misunderstanding son! it was the first time that ever it dawned +upon me that my mother also might perhaps feel. + +VII + +My mother died suddenly and, it was thought by Lady Drew, +inconsiderately, the following spring. Her ladyship instantly +fled to Folkestone with Miss Somerville and Fison, until the +funeral should be over and my mother's successor installed. + +My uncle took me over to the funeral. I remember there was a +sort of prolonged crisis in the days preceding this because, +directly he heard of my loss, he had sent a pair of check +trousers to the Judkins people in London to be dyed black, and +they did not come back in time. He became very excited on the +third day, and sent a number of increasingly fiery telegrams +without any result whatever, and succumbed next morning with a +very ill grace to my aunt Susan's insistence upon the resources +of his dress-suit. In my memory those black legs of his, in a +particularly thin and shiny black cloth--for evidently his +dress-suit dated from adolescent and slenderer days--straddle +like the Colossus of Rhodes over my approach to my mother's +funeral. Moreover, I was inconvenienced and distracted by a silk +hat he had bought me, my first silk hat, much ennobled, as his +was also, by a deep mourning band. + +I remember, but rather indistinctly, my mother's white paneled +housekeeper's room and the touch of oddness about it that she was +not there, and the various familiar faces made strange by black, +and I seem to recall the exaggerated self-consciousness that +arose out of their focussed attention. No doubt the sense of the +new silk hat came and went and came again in my emotional chaos. +Then something comes out clear and sorrowful, rises out clear and +sheer from among all these rather base and inconsequent things, +and once again I walk before all the other mourners close behind +her coffin as it is carried along the churchyard path to her +grave, with the old vicar's slow voice saying regretfully and +unconvincingly above me, triumphant solemn things. + +"I am the resurrection and the life, saith the Lord; he that +believeth in me, though he were dead, yet shall he live: and +whosoever liveth and believeth in me shall never die." + +Never die! The day was a high and glorious morning in spring, +and all the trees were budding and bursting into green. +Everywhere there were blossoms and flowers; the pear trees and +cherry trees in the sexton's garden were sunlit snow, there were +nodding daffodils and early tulips in the graveyard beds, great +multitudes of daisies, and everywhere the birds seemed singing. +And in the middle was the brown coffin end, tilting on men's +shoulders and half occluded by the vicar's Oxford hood. + +And so we came to my mother's waiting grave. + +For a time I was very observant, watching the coffin lowered, +hearing the words of the ritual. It seemed a very curious +business altogether. + +Suddenly as the service drew to its end, I felt something had +still to be said which had not been said, realised that she had +withdrawn in silence, neither forgiving me nor hearing from +me--those now lost assurances. Suddenly I knew I had not +understood. Suddenly I saw her tenderly; remembered not so much +tender or kindly things of her as her crossed wishes and the ways +in which I had thwarted her. Surprisingly I realised that +behind all her hardness and severity she had loved me, that I was +the only thing she had ever loved and that until this moment I +had never loved her. And now she was there and deaf and blind to +me, pitifully defeated in her designs for me, covered from me so +that she could not know.... + +I dug my nails into the palms of my hands, I set my teeth, but +tears blinded me, sobs would have choked me had speech been +required of me. The old vicar read on, there came a mumbled +response--and so on to the end. I wept as it were internally, +and only when we had come out of the churchyard could I think and +speak calmly again. + +Stamped across this memory are the little black figures of my +uncle and Rabbits, telling Avebury, the sexton and undertaker, +that "it had all passed off very well--very well indeed." + +VIII + +That is the last I shall tell of Bladesover. The dropscene +falls on that, and it comes no more as an actual presence into +this novel. I did indeed go back there once again, but under +circumstances quite immaterial to my story. But in a sense +Bladesover has never left me; it is, as I said at the outset, one +of those dominant explanatory impressions that make the framework +of my mind. Bladesover illuminates England; it has become all +that is spacious, dignified pretentious, and truly conservative +in English life. It is my social datum. That is why I have +drawn it here on so large a scale. + +When I came back at last to the real Bladesover on an +inconsequent visit, everything was far smaller than I could have +supposed possible. It was as though everything had shivered and +shrivelled a little at the Lichtenstein touch. The harp was +still in the saloon, but there was a different grand piano with a +painted lid and a metrostyle pianola, and an extraordinary +quantity of artistic litter and bric-a-brac scattered about. +There was the trail of the Bond Street showroom over it all. The +furniture was still under chintz, but it wasn't the same sort of +chintz although it pretended to be, and the lustre-dangling +chandeliers had passed away. Lady Lichtenstein's books replaced +the brown volumes I had browsed among--they were mostly +presentation copies of contemporary novels and the National +Review and the Empire Review, and the Nineteenth Century and +after jostled current books on the tables--English new books in +gaudy catchpenny "artistic" covers, French and Italian novels in +yellow, German art handbooks of almost incredible ugliness. +There were abundant evidences that her ladyship was playing with +the Keltic renascence, and a great number of ugly cats made of +china--she "collected" china and stoneware cats--stood about +everywhere--in all colours, in all kinds of deliberately comic, +highly glazed distortion. + +It is nonsense to pretend that finance makes any better +aristocrats than rent. Nothing can make an aristocrat but pride, +knowledge, training, and the sword. These people were no +improvement on the Drews, none whatever. There was no effect of +a beneficial replacement of passive unintelligent people by +active intelligent ones. One felt that a smaller but more +enterprising and intensely undignified variety of stupidity had +replaced the large dullness of the old gentry, and that was all. +Bladesover, I thought, had undergone just the same change between +the seventies and the new century that had overtaken the dear old +Times, and heaven knows how much more of the decorous British +fabric. These Lichtensteins and their like seem to have no +promise in them at all of any fresh vitality for the kingdom. I +do not believe in their intelligence or their power--they have +nothing new about them at all, nothing creative nor +rejuvenescent, no more than a disorderly instinct of acquisition; +and the prevalence of them and their kind is but a phase in the +broad slow decay of the great social organism of England. They +could not have made Bladesover they cannot replace it; they just +happen to break out over it--saprophytically. + +Well--that was my last impression of Bladesover. + + +CHAPTER THE THIRD + +THE WIMBLEHURST APPRENTICESHIP + +I + +So far as I can remember now, except for that one emotional phase +by the graveside, I passed through all these experiences rather +callously. I had already, with the facility of youth, changed my +world, ceased to think at all of the old school routine and put +Bladesover aside for digestion at a latter stage. I took up my +new world in Wimblehurst with the chemist's shop as its hub, set +to work at Latin and materia medica, and concentrated upon the +present with all my heart. Wimblehurst is an exceptionally +quiet and grey Sussex town rare among south of England towns in +being largely built of stone. I found something very agreeable +and picturesque in its clean cobbled streets, its odd turnings +and abrupt corners; and in the pleasant park that crowds up one +side of the town. The whole place is under the Eastry dominion +and it was the Eastry influence and dignity that kept its +railway station a mile and three-quarters away. Eastry House is +so close that it dominates the whole; one goes across the +marketplace (with its old lock-up and stocks), past the great +pre-reformation church, a fine grey shell, like some empty skull +from which the life has fled, and there at once are the huge +wrought-iron gates, and one peeps through them to see the facade +of this place, very white and large and fine, down a long avenue +of yews. Eastry was far greater than Bladesover and an +altogether completer example of the eighteenth century system. +It ruled not two villages, but a borough, that had sent its sons +and cousins to parliament almost as a matter of right so long as +its franchise endured. Every one was in the system, every +one--except my uncle. He stood out and complained. + +My uncle was the first real breach I found in the great front of +Bladesover the world had presented me, for Chatham was not so +much a breach as a confirmation. But my uncle had no respect +for Bladesover and Eastry--none whatever. He did not believe in +them. He was blind even to what they were. He propounded +strange phrases about them, he exfoliated and wagged about novel +and incredible ideas. + +"This place," said my uncle, surveying it from his open doorway +in the dignified stillness of a summer afternoon, "wants Waking +Up!" + +I was sorting up patent medicines in the corner. + +"I'd like to let a dozen young Americans loose into it," said my +uncle. "Then we'd see." + +I made a tick against Mother Shipton's Sleeping Syrup. We had +cleared our forward stock. + +"Things must be happening SOMEWHERE, George," he broke out in a +querulously rising note as he came back into the little shop. He +fiddled with the piled dummy boxes of fancy soap and scent and so +forth that adorned the end of the counter, then turned about +petulantly, stuck his hands deeply into his pockets and withdrew +one to scratch his head. "I must do SOMETHING," he said. "I +can't stand it. + +"I must invent something. And shove it.... I could. + +"Or a play. There's a deal of money in a play, George. What +would you think of me writing a play eh?... There's all sorts of +things to be done. + +"Or the stog-igschange." + +He fell into that meditative whistling of his. + +"Sac-ramental wine!" he swore, "this isn't the world--it's Cold +Mutton Fat! That's what Wimblehurst is! Cold Mutton Fat!--dead +and stiff! And I'm buried in it up to the arm pits. Nothing +ever happens, nobody wants things to happen 'scept me! Up in +London, George, things happen. America! I wish to Heaven, +George, I'd been born American--where things hum. + +"What can one do here? How can one grow? While we're sleepin' +here with our Capital oozing away into Lord Eastry's pockets for +rent-men are up there...." He indicated London as remotely over +the top of the dispensing counter, and then as a scene of great +activity by a whirl of the hand and a wink and a meaning smile at +me. + +"What sort of things do they do?" I asked. + +"Rush about," he said. "Do things! Somethin' glorious. There's +cover gambling. Ever heard of that, George?" He drew the air in +through his teeth. "You put down a hundred say, and buy ten +thousand pounds worth. See? That's a cover of one per cent. +Things go up one, you sell, realise cent per cent; down, whiff, +it's gone! Try again! Cent per cent, George, every day. Men are +made or done for in an hour. And the shoutin'! Zzzz.... Well, +that's one way, George. Then another way--there's Corners!" + +"They're rather big things, aren't they?" I ventured. + +"Oh, if you go in for wheat or steel--yes. But suppose you +tackled a little thing, George. Just some little thing that only +needed a few thousands. Drugs for example. Shoved all you had +into it--staked your liver on it, so to speak. Take a drug--take +ipecac, for example. Take a lot of ipecac. Take all there is! +See? There you are! There aren't unlimited supplies of +ipecacuanha--can't be!--and it's a thing people must have. Then +quinine again! You watch your chance, wait for a tropical war +breaking out, let's say, and collar all the quinine. Where ARE +they? Must have quinine, you know. Eh? Zzzz. + +"Lord! there's no end of things--no end of little things. +Dill-water--all the suffering babes yowling for it. Eucalyptus +again--cascara--witch hazel--menthol--all the toothache things. +Then there's antiseptics, and curare, cocaine...." + +"Rather a nuisance to the doctors," I reflected. + +"They got to look out for themselves. By Jove, yes. They'll do +you if they can, and you do them. Like brigands. That makes it +romantic. That's the Romance of Commerce, George. You're in the +mountains there! Think of having all the quinine in the world, +and some millionaire's pampered wife gone ill with malaria, eh? +That's a squeeze, George, eh? Eh? Millionaire on his motor car +outside, offering you any price you liked. That 'ud wake up +Wimblehurst.... Lord! You haven't an Idea down here. Not an +idea. Zzzz." + +He passed into a rapt dream, from which escaped such fragments +as: "Fifty per cent. advance sir; security--to-morrow. Zzzz." + +The idea of cornering a drug struck upon my mind then as a sort +of irresponsible monkey trick that no one would ever be +permitted to do in reality. It was the sort of nonsense one +would talk to make Ewart laugh and set him going on to still +odder possibilities. I thought it was part of my uncle's way of +talking. But I've learnt differently since. The whole trend of +modern money-making is to foresee something that will presently +be needed and put it out of reach, and then to haggle yourself +wealthy. You buy up land upon which people will presently want +to build houses, you secure rights that will bar vitally +important developments, and so on, and so on. Of course the +naive intelligence of a boy does not grasp the subtler +developments of human inadequacy. He begins life with a +disposition to believe in the wisdom of grown-up people, he does +not realise how casual and disingenuous has been the development +of law and custom, and he thinks that somewhere in the state +there is a power as irresistible as a head master's to check +mischievous and foolish enterprises of every sort. I will +confess that when my uncle talked of cornering quinine, I had a +clear impression that any one who contrived to do that would +pretty certainly go to jail. Now I know that any one who could +really bring it off would be much more likely to go to the House +of Lords! + +My uncle ranged over the gilt labels of his bottles and drawers +for a while, dreaming of corners in this and that. But at last +he reverted to Wimblehurst again. + +"You got to be in London when these things are in hand. Down +here--! + +"Jee-rusalem!" he cried. "Why did I plant myself here? +Everything's done. The game's over. Here's Lord Eastry, and +he's got everything, except what his lawyers get, and before you +get any more change this way you'll have to dynamite him--and +them. HE doesn't want anything more to happen. Why should he? +Any chance 'ud be a loss to him. He wants everything to burble +along and burble along and go on as it's going for the next ten +thousand years, Eastry after Eastry, one parson down another +come, one grocer dead, get another! Any one with any ideas +better go away. They HAVE gone away! Look at all these blessed +people in this place! Look at 'em! All fast asleep, doing their +business out of habit--in a sort of dream, Stuffed men would do +just as well--just. They've all shook down into their places. +THEY don't want anything to happen either. They're all broken +in. There you are! Only what are they all alive for?... + +"Why can't they get a clockwork chemist?" + +He concluded as he often concluded these talks. "I must invent +something,--that's about what I must do. Zzzz. Some convenience. + +Something people want.... Strike out.... You can't think, George, +of anything everybody wants and hasn't got? I mean something you +could turn out retail under a shilling, say? Well, YOU think, +whenever you haven't got anything better to do. See?" + +II + +So I remember my uncle in that first phase, young, but already a +little fat, restless, fretful, garrulous, putting in my +fermenting head all sorts of discrepant ideas. Certainly he was +educational.... + +For me the years at Wimblehurst were years of pretty active +growth. Most of my leisure and much of my time in the shop I +spent in study. I speedily mastered the modicum of Latin +necessary for my qualifying examinations, and--a little assisted +by the Government Science and Art Department classes that were +held in the Grammar School--went on with my mathematics. There +were classes in physics, in chemistry, in mathematics and machine +drawing, and I took up these subjects with considerable +avidity. Exercise I got chiefly in the form of walks. There was +some cricket in the summer and football in the winter sustained +by young men's clubs that levied a parasitic blackmail of the big +people and the sitting member, but I was never very keen at these +games. I didn't find any very close companions among the youths +of Wimblehurst. They struck me, after my cockney schoolmates, as +loutish and slow, servile and furtive, spiteful and mean. WE +used to swagger, but these countrymen dragged their feet and +hated an equal who didn't; we talked loud, but you only got the +real thoughts of Wimblehurst in a knowing undertone behind its +hand. And even then they weren't much in the way of thoughts. + +No, I didn't like those young countrymen, and I'm no believer in +the English countryside under the Bladesover system as a +breeding ground for honourable men. One hears a frightful lot of +nonsense about the Rural Exodus and the degeneration wrought by +town life upon our population. To my mind, the English townsman, +even in the slums, is infinitely better spiritually, more +courageous, more imaginative and cleaner, than his agricultural +cousin. I've seen them both when they didn't think they were +being observed, and I know. There was something about my +Wimblehurst companions that disgusted me. It's hard to define. +Heaven knows that at that cockney boarding-school at Goudhurst we +were coarse enough; the Wimblehurst youngsters had neither words +nor courage for the sort of thing we used to do--for our bad +language, for example; but, on the other hand, they displayed a +sort of sluggish, real lewdness, lewdness is the word--a baseness +of attitude. Whatever we exiled urbans did at Goudhurst was +touched with something, however coarse, of romantic imagination. +We had read the Boys of England, and told each other stories. In +the English countryside there are no books at all, no songs, no +drama, no valiant sin even; all these things have never come or +they were taken away and hidden generations ago, and the +imagination aborts and bestialises. That, I think, is where the +real difference against the English rural man lies. It is +because I know this that I do not share in the common repinings +because our countryside is being depopulated, because our +population is passing through the furnace of the towns. They +starve, they suffer, no doubt, but they come out of it hardened, +they come out of it with souls. + +Of an evening the Wimblehurst blade, shiny-faced from a wash and +with some loud finery, a coloured waistcoat or a vivid tie, would +betake himself to the Eastry Arms billiard-room, or to the bar +parlour of some minor pub where nap could be played. One soon +sickened of his slow knowingness, the cunning observation of his +deadened eyes, his idea of a "good story," always, always told in +undertones, poor dirty worm! his shrewd, elaborate maneuvers for +some petty advantage, a drink to the good or such-like deal. +There rises before my eyes as I write, young Hopley Dodd, the son +of the Wimblehurst auctioneer, the pride of Wimblehurst, its +finest flower, with his fur waistcoat and his bulldog pipe, his +riding breeches--he had no horse--and his gaiters, as he used to +sit, leaning forward and watching the billiard-table from under +the brim of his artfully tilted hat. A half-dozen phrases +constituted his conversation: "hard lines!" he used to say, and +"Good baazness," in a bass bleat. Moreover, he had a long slow +whistle that was esteemed the very cream of humorous comment. +Night after night he was there. + +Also you knew he would not understand that _I_ could play +billiards, and regarded every stroke I made as a fluke. For a +beginner I didn't play so badly, I thought. I'm not so sure now; +that was my opinion at the time. But young Dodd's scepticism and +the "good baazness" finally cured me of my disposition to +frequent the Eastry Arms, and so these noises had their value in +my world. + +I made no friends among the young men of the place at all, and +though I was entering upon adolescence I have no love-affair to +tell of here. Not that I was not waking up to that aspect of +life in my middle teens I did, indeed, in various slightly +informal ways scrape acquaintance with casual Wimblehurst girls; +with a little dressmaker's apprentice I got upon shyly speaking +terms, and a pupil teacher in the National School went further +and was "talked about" in connection with me but I was not by any +means touched by any reality of passion for either of these young +people; love--love as yet came to me only in my dreams. I only +kissed these girls once or twice. They rather disconcerted than +developed those dreams. They were so clearly not "it." I shall +have much to say of love in this story, but I may break it to the +reader now that it is my role to be a rather ineffectual lover. +Desire I knew well enough--indeed, too well; but love I have been +shy of. In all my early enterprises in the war of the sexes, I +was torn between the urgency of the body and a habit of romantic +fantasy that wanted every phase of the adventure to be generous +and beautiful. And I had a curiously haunting memory of +Beatrice, of her kisses in the bracken and her kiss upon the +wall, that somehow pitched the standard too high for +Wimblehurst's opportunities. I will not deny I did in a boyish +way attempt a shy, rude adventure or so in love-making at +Wimblehurst; but through these various influences, I didn't +bring things off to any extent at all. I left behind me no +devastating memories, no splendid reputation. I came away at +last, still inexperienced and a little thwarted, with only a +natural growth of interest and desire in sexual things. + +If I fell in love with any one in Wimblehurst it was with my +aunt. She treated me with a kindliness that was only half +maternal--she petted my books, she knew about my certificates, +she made fun of me in a way that stirred my heart to her. Quite +unconsciously I grew fond of her.... + +My adolescent years at Wimblehurst were on the whole laborious, +uneventful years that began in short jackets and left me in many +ways nearly a man, years so uneventful that the Calculus of +Variations is associated with one winter, and an examination in +Physics for Science and Art department Honours marks an epoch. +Many divergent impulses stirred within me, but the master impulse +was a grave young disposition to work and learn and thereby in +some not very clearly defined way get out of the Wimblehurst +world into which I had fallen. I wrote with some frequency to +Ewart, self-conscious, but, as I remember them, not intelligent +letters, dated in Latin and with lapses into Latin quotation that +roused Ewart to parody. There was something about me in those +days more than a little priggish. But it was, to do myself +justice, something more than the petty pride of learning. I had +a very grave sense of discipline and preparation that I am not +ashamed at all to remember. I was serious. More serious than I +am at the present time. More serious, indeed, than any adult +seems to be. I was capable then of efforts--of nobilities.... +They are beyond me now. I don't see why, at forty, I shouldn't +confess I respect my own youth. I had dropped being a boy quite +abruptly. I thought I was presently to go out into a larger and +quite important world and do significant things there. I thought +I was destined to do something definite to a world that had a +definite purpose. I did not understand then, as I do now, that +life was to consist largely in the world's doing things to me. +Young people never do seem to understand that aspect of things. +And, as I say, among my educational influences my uncle, all +unsuspected, played a leading part, and perhaps among other +things gave my discontent with Wimblehurst, my desire to get away +from that clean and picturesque emptiness, a form and expression +that helped to emphasise it. In a way that definition made me +patient. "Presently I shall get to London," I said, echoing him. + +I remember him now as talking, always talking, in those days. He +talked to me of theology, he talked of politics, of the wonders +of science and the marvels of art, of the passions and the +affections, of the immortality of the soul and the peculiar +actions of drugs; but predominantly and constantly he talked of +getting on, of enterprises, of inventions and great fortunes, of +Rothschilds, silver kings, Vanderbilts, Goulds, flotations, +realisations and the marvelous ways of Chance with men--in all +localities, that is to say, that are not absolutely sunken to the +level of Cold Mutton Fat. + +When I think of those early talks, I figure him always in one of +three positions. Either we were in the dispensing lair behind a +high barrier, he pounding up things in a mortar perhaps, and I +rolling pill-stuff into long rolls and cutting it up with a sort +of broad, fluted knife, or he stood looking out of the shop door +against the case of sponges and spray-diffusers, while I surveyed +him from behind the counter, or he leant against the little +drawers behind the counter, and I hovered dusting in front. The +thought of those early days brings back to my nostrils the faint +smell of scent that was always in the air, marbled now with +streaks of this drug and now of that, and to my eyes the rows of +jejune glass bottles with gold labels, mirror-reflected, that +stood behind him. My aunt, I remember, used sometimes to come +into the shop in a state of aggressive sprightliness, a sort of +connubial ragging expedition, and get much fun over the +abbreviated Latinity of those gilt inscriptions. "Ol Amjig, +George," she would read derisively, "and he pretends it's almond +oil! Snap!--and that's mustard. Did you ever, George? + +"Look at him, George, looking dignified. I'd like to put an old +label on to him round the middle like his bottles are, with Ol +Pondo on it. That's Latin for Impostor, George MUST be. He'd +look lovely with a stopper." + +"YOU want a stopper," said my uncle, projecting his face.... + +My aunt, dear soul, was in those days quite thin and slender, +with a delicate rosebud completion and a disposition to connubial +badinage, to a sort of gentle skylarking. There was a silvery +ghost of lisping in her speech. She was a great humourist, and +as the constraint of my presence at meals wore off, I became more +and more aware of a filmy but extensive net of nonsense she had +woven about her domestic relations until it had become the +reality of her life. She affected a derisive attitude to the +world at large and applied the epithet "old" to more things than +I have ever heard linked to it before or since. "Here's the old +news-paper," she used to say--to my uncle. "Now don't go and get +it in the butter, you silly old Sardine!" + +"What's the day of the week, Susan?" my uncle would ask. + +"Old Monday, Sossidge," she would say, and add, "I got all my Old +Washing to do. Don't I KNOW it!"... + +She had evidently been the wit and joy of a large circle of +schoolfellows, and this style had become a second nature with +her. It made her very delightful to me in that quiet place. Her +customary walk even had a sort of hello! in it. Her chief +preoccupation in life was, I believe, to make my uncle laugh, and +when by some new nickname, some new quaintness or absurdity, she +achieved that end, she was, behind a mask of sober amazement, the +happiest woman on earth. My uncle's laugh when it did come, I +must admit was, as Baedeker says, "rewarding." It began with +gusty blowings and snortings, and opened into a clear "Ha ha!" +but in fullest development it included, in those youthful +days, falling about anyhow and doubling up tightly, and whackings +of the stomach, and tears and cries of anguish. I never in my +life heard my uncle laugh to his maximum except at her; he was +commonly too much in earnest for that, and he didn't laugh much +at all, to my knowledge, after those early years. Also she threw +things at him to an enormous extent in her resolve to keep things +lively in spite of Wimblehurst; sponges out of stock she threw, +cushions, balls of paper, clean washing, bread; and once up the +yard when they thought that I and the errand boy and the +diminutive maid of all work were safely out of the way, she +smashed a boxful of eight-ounce bottles I had left to drain, +assaulting my uncle with a new soft broom. Sometimes she would +shy things at me--but not often. There seemed always laughter +round and about her--all three of us would share hysterics at +times--and on one occasion the two of them came home from church +shockingly ashamed of themselves, because of a storm of mirth +during the sermon. The vicar, it seems, had tried to blow his +nose with a black glove as well as the customary +pocket-handkerchief. And afterwards she had picked up her own +glove by the finger, and looking innocently but intently +sideways, had suddenly by this simple expedient exploded my uncle +altogether. We had it all over again at dinner. + +"But it shows you," cried my uncle, suddenly becoming grave, +"what Wimblehurst is, to have us all laughing at a little thing +like that! We weren't the only ones that giggled. Not by any +means! And, Lord! it was funny!" + +Socially, my uncle and aunt were almost completely isolated. In +places like Wimblehurst the tradesmen's lives always are isolated +socially, all of them, unless they have a sister or a bosom +friend among the other wives, but the husbands met in various +bar-parlours or in the billiard-room of the Eastry Arms. But my +uncle, for the most part, spent his evenings at home. When first +he arrived in Wimblehurst I think he had spread his effect of +abounding ideas and enterprise rather too aggressively; and +Wimblehurst, after a temporary subjugation, had rebelled and +done its best to make a butt of him. His appearance in a +public-house led to a pause in any conversation that was going +on. + +"Come to tell us about everything, Mr. Pond'revo?" some one would +say politely. + +"You wait," my uncle used to answer, disconcerted, and sulk for +the rest of his visit. + +Or some one with an immense air of innocence would remark to the +world generally, "They're talkin' of rebuildin' Wimblehurst all +over again, I'm told. Anybody heard anything of it? Going to +make it a reg'lar smartgoin', enterprisin' place--kind of +Crystal Pallas." + +"Earthquake and a pestilence before you get that," my uncle would +mutter, to the infinite delight of every one, and add something +inaudible about "Cold Mutton Fat."... + +III + +We were torn apart by a financial accident to my uncle of which I +did not at first grasp the full bearings. He had developed what +I regarded as an innocent intellectual recreation which he called +stock-market meteorology. I think he got the idea from one use +of curves in the graphic presentation of associated variations +that he saw me plotting. He secured some of my squared paper +and, having cast about for a time, decided to trace the rise and +fall of certain lines and railways. "There's something in this, +George," he said, and I little dreamt that among other things +that were in it, was the whole of his spare money and most of +what my mother had left to him in trust for me. + +"It's as plain as can be," he said. "See, here's one system of +waves and here's another! These are prices for Union +Pacifics--extending over a month. Now next week, mark my words, +they'll be down one whole point. We're getting near the steep +part of the curve again. See? It's absolutely scientific. It's +verifiable. Well, and apply it! You buy in the hollow and sell +on the crest, and there you are!" + +I was so convinced of the triviality of this amusement that to +find at last that he had taken it in the most disastrous earnest +overwhelmed me. + +He took me for a long walk to break it to me, over the hills +towards Yare and across the great gorse commons by Hazelbrow. + +"There are ups and downs in life, George," he said--halfway +across that great open space, and paused against the sky...."I +left out one factor in the Union Pacific analysis." + +"DID you?" I said, struck by the sudden chance in his voice. +"But you don't mean?" + +I stopped and turned on him in the narrow sandy rut of pathway +and he stopped likewise. + +"I do, George. I DO mean. It's bust me! I'm a bankrupt here +and now." + +"Then--?" + +"The shop's bust too. I shall have to get out of that." + +"And me?" + +"Oh, you!--YOU'RE all right. You can transfer your +apprenticeship, and--er--well, I'm not the sort of man to be +careless with trust funds, you can be sure. I kept that aspect +in mind. There's some of it left George--trust me!--quite a +decent little sum." + +"But you and aunt?" + +"It isn't QUITE the way we meant to leave Wimblehurst, George; +but we shall have to go. Sale; all the things shoved about and +ticketed--lot a hundred and one. Ugh!... It's been a larky +little house in some ways. The first we had. Furnishing--a +spree in its way.... Very happy..." His face winced at some +memory. "Let's go on, George," he said shortly, near choking, I +could see. + +I turned my back on him, and did not look round again for a +little while. + +"That's how it is, you see, George." I heard him after a time. + +When we were back in the high road again he came alongside, and +for a time we walked in silence. + +"Don't say anything home yet," he said presently. "Fortunes of +War. I got to pick the proper time with Susan--else she'll get +depressed. Not that she isn't a first-rate brick whatever comes +along." + +"All right," I said, "I'll be careful"; and it seemed to me for +the time altogether too selfish to bother him with any further +inquiries about his responsibility as my trustee. He gave a +little sigh of relief at my note of assent, and was presently +talking quite cheerfully of his plans.... But he had, I +remember, one lapse into moodiness that came and went suddenly. +"Those others!" he said, as though the thought had stung him for +the first time. + +"What others?" I asked. + +"Damn them!" said he. + +"But what others?" + +"All those damned stick-in-the-mud-and-die-slowly tradespeople: +Ruck, the butcher, Marbel, the grocer. Snape! Gord! George, +HOW they'll grin!" + +I thought him over in the next few weeks, and I remember now in +great detail the last talk we had together before he handed over +the shop and me to his successor. For he had the good luck to +sell his business, "lock, stock, and barrel"--in which expression +I found myself and my indentures included. The horrors of a sale +by auction of the furniture even were avoided. + +I remember that either coming or going on that occasion, Ruck, +the butcher, stood in his doorway and regarded us with a grin +that showed his long teeth. + +"You half-witted hog!" said my uncle. "You grinning hyaena"; and +then, "Pleasant day, Mr. Ruck." + +"Goin' to make your fortun' in London, then?" said Mr. Ruck, with +slow enjoyment. + +That last excursion took us along the causeway to Beeching, and +so up the downs and round almost as far as Steadhurst, home. My +moods, as we went, made a mingled web. By this time I had really +grasped the fact that my uncle had, in plain English, robbed me; +the little accumulations of my mother, six hundred pounds and +more, that would have educated me and started me in business, had +been eaten into and was mostly gone into the unexpected hollow +that ought to have been a crest of the Union Pacific curve, and +of the remainder he still gave no account. I was too young and +inexperienced to insist on this or know how to get it, but the +thought of it all made streaks of decidedly black anger in that +scheme of interwoven feelings. And you know, I was also acutely +sorry for him--almost as sorry as I was for my aunt Susan. Even +then I had quite found him out. I knew him to be weaker than +myself; his incurable, irresponsible childishness was as clear +to me then as it was on his deathbed, his redeeming and excusing +imaginative silliness. Through some odd mental twist perhaps I +was disposed to exonerate him even at the cost of blaming my poor +old mother who had left things in his untrustworthy hands. + +I should have forgiven him altogether, I believe, if he had been +in any manner apologetic to me; but he wasn't that. He kept +reassuring me in a way I found irritating. Mostly, however, his +solicitude was for Aunt Susan and himself. + +"It's these Crises, George," he said, "try Character. Your aunt's +come out well, my boy." + +He made meditative noises for a space. + +"Had her cry of course,"--the thing had been only too painfully +evident to me in her eyes and swollen face--"who wouldn't? But +now--buoyant again!... She's a Corker. + +"We'll be sorry to leave the little house of course. It's a bit +like Adam and Eve, you know. Lord! what a chap old Milton was! + + "'The world was all before them, where to choose + Their place of rest, and Providence their guide.' + +It sounds, George.... Providence their guide!... Well--thank +goodness there's no imeedgit prospect of either Cain or Abel! + +"After all, it won't be so bad up there. Not the scenery, +perhaps, or the air we get here, but--LIFE! We've got very +comfortable little rooms, very comfortable considering, and I +shall rise. We're not done yet, we're not beaten; don't think +that, George. I shall pay twenty shillings in the pound before +I've done--you mark my words, George,--twenty--five to you.... I +got this situation within twenty-four hours--others offered. +It's an important firm--one of the best in London. I looked to +that. I might have got four or five shillings a week +more--elsewhere. Quarters I could name. But I said to them +plainly, wages to go on with, but opportunity's my +game--development. We understood each other." + +He threw out his chest, and the little round eyes behind his +glasses rested valiantly on imaginary employers. + +We would go on in silence for a space while he revised and +restated that encounter. Then he would break out abruptly with +some banal phrase. + +"The Battle of Life, George, my boy," he would cry, or "Ups and +Downs!" + +He ignored or waived the poor little attempts I made to ascertain +my own position. "That's all right," he would say; or, "Leave +all that to me. I'LL look after them." And he would drift away +towards the philosophy and moral of the situation. What was I to +do? + +"Never put all your resources into one chance, George; that's the +lesson I draw from this. Have forces in reserve. It was a +hundred to one, George, that I was right--a hundred to one. I +worked it out afterwards. And here we are spiked on the +off-chance. If I'd have only kept back a little, I'd have had it +on U.P. next day, like a shot, and come out on the rise. There +you are!" + +His thoughts took a graver turn. + +"It's where you'll bump up against Chance like this, George, that +you feel the need of religion. Your hard-and-fast scientific +men--your Spencers and Huxleys--they don't understand that. I +do. I've thought of it a lot lately--in bed and about. I was +thinking of it this morning while I shaved. It's not irreverent +for me to say it, I hope--but God comes in on the off-chance, +George. See? Don't you be too cocksure of anything, good or +bad. That's what I make out of it. I could have sworn. Well, +do you think I--particular as I am--would have touched those +Union Pacifics with trust money at all, if I hadn't thought it a +thoroughly good thing--good without spot or blemish?... And it +was bad! + +"It's a lesson to me. You start in to get a hundred percent. +and you come out with that. It means, in a way, a reproof for +Pride. I've thought of that, George--in the Night Watches. I +was thinking this morning when I was shaving, that that's where +the good of it all comes in. At the bottom I'm a mystic in these +affairs. You calculate you're going to do this or that, but at +bottom who knows at all WHAT he's doing? When you most think +you're doing things, they're being done right over your head. +YOU'RE being done--in a sense. Take a hundred-to one chance, or +one to a hundred--what does it matter? You're being Led." + +It's odd that I heard this at the time with unutterable contempt, +and now that I recall it--well, I ask myself, what have I got +better? + +"I wish," said I, becoming for a moment outrageous, "YOU were +being Led to give me some account of my money, uncle." + +"Not without a bit of paper to figure on, George, I can't. But +you trust me about that never fear. You trust me." + +And in the end I had to. + +I think the bankruptcy hit my aunt pretty hard. There was, so +far as I can remember now, a complete cessation of all those +cheerful outbreaks of elasticity, no more skylarking in the shop +nor scampering about the house. But there was no fuss that I +saw, and only little signs in her complexion of the fits of +weeping that must have taken her. She didn't cry at the end, +though to me her face with its strain of self-possession was more +pathetic than any weeping. "Well" she said to me as she came +through the shop to the cab, "Here's old orf, George! Orf to +Mome number two! Good-bye!" And she took me in her arms and +kissed me and pressed me to her. Then she dived straight for the +cab before I could answer her. + +My uncle followed, and he seemed to me a trifle too valiant and +confident in his bearing for reality. He was unusually white in +the face. He spoke to his successor at the counter. "Here we +go!" he said. "One down, the other up. You'll find it a quiet +little business so long as you run it on quiet lines--a nice +quiet little business. There's nothing more? No? Well, if you +want to know anything write to me. I'll always explain fully. +Anything--business, place or people. You'll find Pil Antibil. a +little overstocked by-the-by, I found it soothed my mind the day +before yesterday making 'em, and I made 'em all day. Thousands! +And where's George? Ah! there you are! I'll write to you, +George, FULLY, about all that affair. Fully!" + +It became clear to me as if for the first time, that I was really +parting from my aunt Susan. I went out on to the pavement and +saw her head craned forward, her wide-open blue eyes and her +little face intent on the shop that had combined for her all the +charms of a big doll's house and a little home of her very own. +"Good-bye!" she said to it and to me. Our eyes met for a +moment--perplexed. My uncle bustled out and gave a few totally +unnecessary directions to the cabman and got in beside her. "All +right?" asked the driver. "Right," said I; and he woke up the +horse with a flick of his whip. My aunt's eyes surveyed me +again. "Stick to your old science and things, George, and write +and tell me when they make you a Professor," she said cheerfully. + +She stared at me for a second longer with eyes growing wider and +brighter and a smile that had become fixed, glanced again at the +bright little shop still saying "Ponderevo" with all the emphasis +of its fascia, and then flopped back hastily out of sight of me +into the recesses of the cab. Then it had gone from before me +and I beheld Mr. Snape, the hairdresser, inside his store +regarding its departure with a quiet satisfaction and exchanging +smiles and significant headshakes with Mr. Marbel. + +IV + +I was left, I say, as part of the lock, stock, and barrel, at +Wimblehurst with my new master, a Mr. Mantell; who plays no part +in the progress of this story except in so far as he effaced my +uncle's traces. So soon as the freshness of this new personality +faded, I began to find Wimblehurst not only a dull but a lonely +place, and to miss my aunt Susan immensely. The advertisements +of the summer terms for Cough Linctus were removed; the bottles +of coloured water--red, green, and yellow--restored to their +places; the horse announcing veterinary medicine, which my uncle, +sizzling all the while, had coloured in careful portraiture of a +Goodwood favourite, rewhitened; and I turned myself even more +resolutely than before to Latin (until the passing of my +preliminary examination enabled me to drop that), and then to +mathematics and science. + +There were classes in Electricity and Magnetism at the Grammar +School. I took a little "elementary" prize in that in my first +year and a medal in my third; and in Chemistry and Human +Physiology and Sound, Light and Heat, I did well. There was also +a lighter, more discursive subject called Physiography, in which +one ranged among the sciences and encountered Geology as a +process of evolution from Eozoon to Eastry House, and Astronomy +as a record of celestial movements of the most austere and +invariable integrity. I learnt out of badly-written, condensed +little text-books, and with the minimum of experiment, but still +I learnt. Only thirty years ago it was, and I remember I learnt +of the electric light as an expensive, impracticable toy, the +telephone as a curiosity, electric traction as a practical +absurdity. There was no argon, no radium, no phagocytes--at +least to my knowledge, and aluminium was a dear, infrequent +metal. The fastest ships in the world went then at nineteen +knots, and no one but a lunatic here and there ever thought it +possible that men might fly. + +Many things have happened since then, but the last glance I had +of Wimblehurst two years ago remarked no change whatever in its +pleasant tranquillity. They had not even built any fresh +houses--at least not actually in the town, though about the +station there had been some building. But it was a good place to +do work in, for all its quiescence. I was soon beyond the small +requirements of the Pharmaceutical Society's examination, and as +they do not permit candidates to sit for that until one and +twenty, I was presently filling up my time and preventing my +studies becoming too desultory by making an attack upon the +London University degree of Bachelor of Science, which impressed +me then as a very splendid but almost impossible achievement. +The degree in mathematics and chemistry appealed to me as +particularly congenial--albeit giddily inaccessible. I set to +work. I had presently to arrange a holiday and go to London to +matriculate, and so it was I came upon my aunt and uncle again. +In many ways that visit marked an epoch. It was my first +impression of London at all. I was then nineteen, and by a +conspiracy of chances my nearest approach to that human +wilderness had been my brief visit to Chatham. Chatham too had +been my largest town. So that I got London at last with an +exceptional freshness of effect, as the sudden revelation of a +whole unsuspected other side to life. + +I came to it on a dull and smoky day by the South Eastern +Railway, and our train was half an hour late, stopping and going +on and stopping again. I marked beyond Chiselhurst the growing +multitude of villas, and so came stage by stage through +multiplying houses and diminishing interspaces of market garden +and dingy grass to regions of interlacing railway lines, big +factories, gasometers and wide reeking swamps of dingy little +homes, more of them and more and more. The number of these and +their dinginess and poverty increased, and here rose a great +public house and here a Board School and there a gaunt factory; +and away to the east there loomed for a time a queer, incongruous +forest of masts and spars. The congestion of houses intensified +and piled up presently into tenements; I marveled more and more +at this boundless world of dingy people; whiffs of industrial +smell, of leather, of brewing, drifted into the carriage; the sky +darkened, I rumbled thunderously over bridges, van-crowded +streets, peered down on and crossed the Thames with an abrupt +eclat of sound. I got an effect of tall warehouses, of grey +water, barge crowded, of broad banks of indescribable mud, and +then I was in Cannon Street Station--a monstrous dirty cavern +with trains packed across its vast floor and more porters +standing along the platform than I had ever been in my life +before. I alighted with my portmanteau and struggled along, +realising for the first time just how small and weak I could +still upon occasion feel. In this world, I felt, an Honours medal +in Electricity and magnetism counted for nothing at all. + +Afterwards I drove in a cab down a canon of rushing street +between high warehouses, and peeped up astonished at the +blackened greys of Saint Paul's. The traffic of Cheapside--it +was mostly in horse omnibuses in those days--seemed stupendous, +its roar was stupendous; I wondered where the money came from to +employ so many cabs, what industry could support the endless +jostling stream of silk-hatted, frock-coated, hurrying men. Down +a turning I found the Temperance Hotel Mr. Mantell had +recommended to me. The porter in a green uniform who took over +my portmanteau, seemed, I thought, to despise me a good deal. + +V + +Matriculation kept me for four full days and then came an +afternoon to spare, and I sought out Tottenham Court Road +through a perplexing network of various and crowded streets. But +this London was vast! it was endless! it seemed the whole world +had changed into packed frontages and hoardings and street +spaces. I got there at last and made inquiries, and I found my +uncle behind the counter of the pharmacy he managed, an +establishment that did not impress me as doing a particularly +high-class trade. "Lord!" he said at the sight of me, "I was +wanting something to happen!" + +He greeted me warmly. I had grown taller, and he, I thought, had +grown shorter and smaller and rounder but otherwise he was +unchanged. He struck me as being rather shabby, and the silk hat +he produced and put on, when, after mysterious negotiations in +the back premises he achieved his freedom to accompany me, was +past its first youth; but he was as buoyant and confident as +ever. + +"Come to ask me about all THAT," he cried. "I've never written +yet." + +"Oh, among other things," said I, with a sudden regrettable +politeness, and waived the topic of his trusteeship to ask after +my aunt Susan. + +"We'll have her out of it," he said suddenly; "we'll go +somewhere. We don't get you in London every day." + +"It's my first visit," I said, "I've never seen London before"; +and that made him ask me what I thought of it, and the rest of +the talk was London, London, to the exclusion of all smaller +topics. He took me up the Hampstead Road almost to the Cobden +statue, plunged into some back streets to the left, and came at +last to a blistered front door that responded to his latch-key, +one of a long series of blistered front doors with fanlights and +apartment cards above. We found ourselves in a drab-coloured +passage that was not only narrow and dirty but desolatingly +empty, and then he opened a door and revealed my aunt sitting at +the window with a little sewing-machine on a bamboo occasional +table before her, and "work"--a plum-coloured walking dress I +judged at its most analytical stage--scattered over the rest of +the apartment. + +At the first glance I judged my aunt was plumper than she had +been, but her complexion was just as fresh and her China blue eye +as bright as in the old days. + +"London," she said, didn't "get blacks" on her. + +She still "cheeked" my uncle, I was pleased to find. "What are +you old Poking in for at THIS time--Gubbitt?," she said when he +appeared, and she still looked with a practised eye for the +facetious side of things. When she saw me behind him, she gave a +little cry and stood up radiant. Then she became grave. + +I was surprised at my own emotion in seeing her. She held me at +arm's length for a moment, a hand on each shoulder, and looked at +me with a sort of glad scrutiny. She seemed to hesitate, and +then pecked little kiss off my cheek. + +"You're a man, George," she said, as she released me, and +continued to look at me for a while. + +Their menage was one of a very common type in London. They +occupied what is called the dining-room floor of a small house, +and they had the use of a little inconvenient kitchen in the +basement that had once been scullery. The two rooms, bedroom +behind and living room in front, were separated by folding-doors +that were never now thrown back, and indeed, in the presence of a +visitor, not used at all. There was of course no bathroom or +anything of that sort available, and there was no water supply +except to the kitchen below. My aunt did all the domestic work, +though she could have afforded to pay for help if the build of +the place had not rendered that inconvenient to the pitch of +impossibility. There was no sort of help available except that +of indoor servants, for whom she had no accommodation. The +furniture was their own; it was partly secondhand, but on the +whole it seemed cheerful to my eye, and my aunt's bias for cheap, +gay-figured muslin had found ample score. In many ways I should +think it must have been an extremely inconvenient and cramped +sort of home, but at the time I took it, as I was taking +everything, as being there and in the nature of things. I did +not see the oddness of solvent decent people living in a +habitation so clearly neither designed nor adapted for their +needs, so wasteful of labour and so devoid of beauty as this was, +and it is only now as I describe this that I find myself thinking +of the essential absurdity of an intelligent community living in +such makeshift homes. It strikes me now as the next thing to +wearing second-hand clothes. + +You see it was a natural growth, part of that system to which +Bladesover, I hold, is the key. There are wide regions of +London, miles of streets of houses, that appear to have been +originally designed for prosperous-middle-class homes of the +early Victorian type. There must have been a perfect fury of +such building in the thirties, forties, and fifties. Street +after street must have been rushed into being, Campden Town way, +Pentonville way, Brompton way, West Kensington way in the +Victoria region and all over the minor suburbs of the south side. + +I am doubtful if many of these houses had any long use as the +residences of single families if from the very first almost their +tenants did not makeshift and take lodgers and sublet. They were +built with basements, in which their servants worked and +lived--servants of a more submissive and troglodytic generation +who did not mind stairs. The dining-room (with folding doors) +was a little above the ground level, and in that the wholesome +boiled and roast with damp boiled potatoes and then pie to +follow, was consumed and the numerous family read and worked in +the evening, and above was the drawing-room (also with folding +doors), where the infrequent callers were received. That was +the vision at which those industrious builders aimed. Even while +these houses were being run up, the threads upon the loom of fate +were shaping to abolish altogether the type of household that +would have fitted them. Means of transit were developing to +carry the moderately prosperous middle-class families out of +London, education and factory employment were whittling away at +the supply of rough, hardworking, obedient girls who would stand +the subterranean drudgery of these places, new classes of +hard-up middle-class people such as my uncle, employees of +various types, were coming into existence, for whom no homes were +provided. None of these classes have ideas of what they ought to +be, or fit in any legitimate way into the Bladesover theory that +dominates our minds. It was nobody's concern to see them housed +under civilised conditions, and the beautiful laws of supply and +demand had free play. They had to squeeze in. The landlords +came out financially intact from their blundering enterprise. +More and more these houses fell into the hands of married +artisans, or struggling widows or old servants with savings, who +became responsible for the quarterly rent and tried to sweat a +living by sub-letting furnished or unfurnished apartments. + +I remember now that a poor grey-haired old woman who had an air +of having been roused from a nap in the dust bin, came out into +the area and looked up at us as we three went out from the front +door to "see London" under my uncle's direction. She was the +sub-letting occupier; she squeezed out a precarious living by +taking the house whole and sub-letting it in detail and she made +her food and got the shelter of an attic above and a basement +below by the transaction. And if she didn't chance to "let" +steadily, out she went to pauperdom and some other poor, sordid +old adventurer tried in her place.... + +It is a foolish community that can house whole classes, useful +and helpful, honest and loyal classes, in such squalidly +unsuitable dwellings. It is by no means the social economy it +seems, to use up old women, savings and inexperience in order to +meet the landlord's demands. But any one who doubts this thing +is going on right up to to-day need only spend an afternoon in +hunting for lodgings in any of the regions of London I have +named. + +But where has my story got to? My uncle, I say, decided I must +be shown London, and out we three went as soon as my aunt had got +her hat on, to catch all that was left of the day. + +VI + +It pleased my uncle extremely to find I had never seen London +before. He took possession of the metropolis forthwith. +"London, George," he said, "takes a lot of understanding. It's a +great place. Immense. The richest town in the world, the biggest +port, the greatest manufacturing town, the Imperial city--the +centre of civilisation, the heart of the world! See those +sandwich men down there! That third one's hat! Fair treat! You +don't see poverty like that in Wimblehurst George! And many of +them high Oxford honour men too. Brought down by drink! It's a +wonderful place, George--a whirlpool, a maelstrom! whirls you up +and whirls you down." + +I have a very confused memory of that afternoon's inspection of +London. My uncle took us to and fro showing us over his London, +talking erratically, following a route of his own. Sometimes we +were walking, sometimes we were on the tops of great staggering +horse omnibuses in a heaving jumble of traffic, and at one point +we had tea in an Aerated Bread Shop. But I remember very +distinctly how we passed down Park Lane under an overcast sky, +and how my uncle pointed out the house of this child of good +fortune and that with succulent appreciation. + +I remember, too, that as he talked I would find my aunt watching +my face as if to check the soundness of his talk by my +expression. + +"Been in love yet, George?" she asked suddenly, over a bun in the +tea-shop. + +"Too busy, aunt," I told her. + +She bit her bun extensively, and gesticulated with the remnant to +indicate that she had more to say. + +"How are YOU going to make your fortune?" she said so soon as +she could speak again. "You haven't told us that." + +"'Lectricity," said my uncle, taking breath after a deep draught +of tea. + +"If I make it at all," I said. "For my part I think shall be +satisfied with something less than a fortune." + +"We're going to make ours--suddenly," she said. + +"So HE old says." She jerked her head at my uncle. + +"He won't tell me when--so I can't get anything ready. But it's +coming. Going to ride in our carriage and have a garden. +Garden--like a bishop's." + +She finished her bun and twiddled crumbs from her fingers. "I +shall be glad of the garden," she said. "It's going to be a real +big one with rosaries and things. Fountains in it. Pampas +grass. Hothouses." + +"You'll get it all right," said my uncle, who had reddened a +little. + +"Grey horses in the carriage, George," she said. "It's nice to +think about when one's dull. And dinners in restaurants often +and often. And theatres--in the stalls. And money and money and +money." + +"You may joke," said my uncle, and hummed for a moment. + +"Just as though an old Porpoise like him would ever make money," +she said, turning her eyes upon his profile with a sudden lapse +to affection. "He'll just porpoise about." + +"I'll do something," said my uncle, "you bet! Zzzz!" and rapped +with a shilling on the marble table. + +"When you do you'll have to buy me a new pair of gloves," she +said, "anyhow. That finger's past mending. Look! you +Cabbage--you." And she held the split under his nose, and pulled +a face of comical fierceness. + +My uncle smiled at these sallies at the time, but afterwards, +when I went back with him to the Pharmacy--the low-class business +grew brisker in the evening and they kept open late--he reverted +to it in a low expository tone. "Your aunt's a bit impatient, +George. She gets at me. It's only natural.... A woman doesn't +understand how long it takes to build up a position. No.... In +certain directions now--I am--quietly--building up a position. +Now here.... I get this room. I have my three assistants. Zzzz. +It's a position that, judged by the criterion of imeedjit +income, isn't perhaps so good as I deserve, but +strategically--yes. It's what I want. I make my plans. I rally +my attack." + +"What plans," I said, "are you making?" + +"Well, George, there's one thing you can rely upon, I'm doing +nothing in a hurry. I turn over this one and that, and I don't +talk--indiscreetly. There's-- No! I don't think I can tell you +that. And yet, why NOT?" + +He got up and closed the door into the shop. "I've told no one," +he remarked, as he sat down again. "I owe you something." + +His face flushed slightly, he leant forward over the little table +towards me. + +"Listen!" he said. + +I listened. + +"Tono-Bungay," said my uncle very slowly and distinctly. + +I thought he was asking me to hear some remote, strange noise. +"I don't hear anything," I said reluctantly to his expectant +face. He smiled undefeated. "Try again," he said, and +repeated, "Tono-Bungay." + +"Oh, THAT!" I said. + +"Eh?" said he. + +"But what is it?" + +"Ah!" said my uncle, rejoicing and expanding. "What IS it? +That's what you got to ask? What won't it be?" He dug me +violently in what he supposed to be my ribs. "George," he +cried--"George, watch this place! There's more to follow." + +And that was all I could get from him. + +That, I believe, was the very first time that the words +Tono-Bungay ever heard on earth--unless my uncle indulged in +monologues in his chamber--a highly probable thing. Its +utterance certainly did not seem to me at the time to mark any +sort of epoch, and had I been told this word was the Open Sesame +to whatever pride and pleasure the grimy front of London hid from +us that evening, I should have laughed aloud. + +"Coming now to business," I said after a pause, and with a chill +sense of effort; and I opened the question of his trust. + +My uncle sighed, and leant back in his chair. "I wish I could +make all this business as clear to you as it is to me," he said. +"However--Go on! Say what you have to say." + +VII + +After I left my uncle that evening I gave way to a feeling of +profound depression. My uncle and aunt seemed to me to be +leading--I have already used the word too often, but I must use +it again--DINGY lives. They seemed to be adrift in a limitless +crowd of dingy people, wearing shabby clothes, living +uncomfortably in shabby second-hand houses, going to and fro on +pavements that had always a thin veneer of greasy, slippery mud, +under grey skies that showed no gleam of hope of anything for +them but dinginess until they died. It seemed absolutely clear +to me that my mother's little savings had been swallowed up and +that my own prospect was all too certainly to drop into and be +swallowed up myself sooner or later by this dingy London ocean. +The London that was to be an adventurous escape from the slumber +of Wimblehurst, had vanished from my dreams. I saw my uncle +pointing to the houses in Park Lane and showing a frayed +shirt-cuff as he did so. I heard my aunt: "I'm to ride in my +carriage then. So he old says." + +My feelings towards my uncle were extraordinarily mixed. I was +intensely sorry not only for my aunt Susan but for him--for it +seemed indisputable that as they were living then so they must go +on--and at the same time I was angry with the garrulous vanity +and illness that had elipped all my chance of independent study, +and imprisoned her in those grey apartments. When I got back to +Wimblehurst I allowed myself to write him a boyishly sarcastic +and sincerely bitter letter. He never replied. Then, believing +it to be the only way of escape for me, I set myself far more +grimly and resolutely to my studies than I had ever done before. +After a time I wrote to him in more moderate terms, and he +answered me evasively. And then I tried to dismiss him from my +mind and went on working. + +Yes, that first raid upon London under the moist and chilly +depression of January had an immense effect upon me. It was for +me an epoch-making disappointment. I had thought of London as a +large, free, welcoming, adventurous place, and I saw it slovenly +and harsh and irresponsive. + +I did not realise at all what human things might be found behind +those grey frontages, what weakness that whole forbidding facade +might presently confess. It is the constant error of youth to +over-estimate the Will in things. I did not see that the dirt, +the discouragement, the discomfort of London could be due simply +to the fact that London was a witless old giantess of a town, too +slack and stupid to keep herself clean and maintain a brave face +to the word. No! I suffered from the sort of illusion that burnt +witches in the seventeenth century. I endued her grubby disorder +with a sinister and magnificent quality of intention. + +And my uncle's gestures and promises filled me with doubt and a +sort of fear for him. He seemed to me a lost little creature, +too silly to be silent, in a vast implacable condemnation. I was +full of pity and a sort of tenderness for my aunt Susan, who was +doomed to follow his erratic fortunes mocked by his grandiloquent +promises. + +I was to learn better. But I worked with the terror of the grim +underside of London in my soul during all my last year at +Wimblehurst. + + + +BOOK THE SECOND + +THE RISE OF TONO-BUNGAY + +CHAPTER THE FIRST + +HOW I BECAME A LONDON STUDENT AND WENT ASTRAY + +I came to live in London, as I shall tell you, when I was nearly +twenty-two. Wimblehurst dwindles in perspective, is now in this +book a little place far off, Bladesover no more than a small +pinkish speck of frontage among the distant Kentish hills; the +scene broadens out, becomes multitudinous and limitless, full of +the sense of vast irrelevant movement. I do not remember my +second coming to London as I do my first, for my early +impressions, save that an October memory of softened amber +sunshine stands out, amber sunshine falling on grey house fronts +I know not where. That, and a sense of a large tranquillity. + +I could fill a book, I think, with a more or less imaginary +account of how I came to apprehend London, how first in one +aspect and then in another it grew in my mind. Each day my +accumulating impressions were added to and qualified and brought +into relationship with new ones; they fused inseparably with +others that were purely personal and accidental. I find myself +with a certain comprehensive perception of London, complete +indeed, incurably indistinct in places and yet in some way a +whole that began with my first visit and is still being mellowed +and enriched. + +London! + +At first, no doubt, it was a chaos of streets and people and +buildings and reasonless going to and fro. I do not remember +that I ever struggled very steadily to understand it, or explored +it with any but a personal and adventurous intention. Yet in +time there has grown up in me a kind of theory of London; I do +think I see lines of an ordered structure out of which it has +grown, detected a process that is something more than a confusion +of casual accidents though indeed it may be no more than a +process of disease. + +I said at the outset of my first book that I find in Bladesover +the clue to all England. Well, I certainly imagine it is the +clue to the structure of London. There have been no revolutions +no deliberate restatements or abandonments of opinion in England +since the days of the fine gentry, since 1688 or thereabouts, the +days when Bladesover was built; there have been changes, +dissolving forest replacing forest, if you will; but then it was +that the broad lines of the English system set firmly. And as I +have gone to and fro in London in certain regions constantly the +thought has recurred this is Bladesover House, this answers to +Bladesover House. The fine gentry may have gone; they have +indeed largely gone, I think; rich merchants may have replaced +them, financial adventurers or what not. That does not matter; +the shape is still Bladesover. + +I am most reminded of Bladesover and Eastry by all those regions +round about the West End parks; for example, estate parks, each +more or less in relation to a palace or group of great houses. +The roads and back ways of Mayfair and all about St. James's +again, albeit perhaps of a later growth in point of time, were of +the very spirit and architectural texture of the Bladesover +passages and yards; they had the same smells, the space, the +large cleanest and always going to and fro where one met +unmistakable Olympians and even more unmistakable valets, +butlers, footmen in mufti. There were moments when I seemed to +glimpse down areas the white panelling, the very chintz of my +mother's room again. + +I could trace out now on a map what I would call the Great-House +region; passing south-westward into Belgravia, becoming diffused +and sporadic westward, finding its last systematic outbreak round +and about Regent's Park. The Duke of Devonshire's place in +Piccadilly, in all its insolent ugliness, pleases me +particularly; it is the quintessence of the thing; Apsley House +is all in the manner of my theory, Park Lane has its quite +typical mansions, and they run along the border of the Green Park +and St. James's. And I struck out a truth one day in Cromwell +Road quite suddenly, as I looked over the Natural History Museum +"By Jove," said I "but this is the little assemblage of cases of +stuffed birds and animals upon the Bladesover staircase grown +enormous, and yonder as the corresponding thing to the +Bladesover curios and porcelain is the Art Museume and there in +the little observatories in Exhibition Road is old Sir Cuthbert's +Gregorian telescope that I hunted out in the storeroom and put +together." And diving into the Art Museum under this +inspiration, I came to a little reading-room and found as I had +inferred, old brown books! + +It was really a good piece of social comparative anatomy I did +that day; all these museums and libraries that are dotted over +London between Piccadilly and West Kensington, and indeed the +museum and library movement throughout the world, sprang from the +elegant leisure of the gentlemen of taste. Theirs were the. +first libraries, the first houses of culture; by my rat-like +raids into the Bladesover saloon I became, as it were, the last +dwindled representative of such a man of letters as Swift. But +now these things have escaped out of the Great House altogether, +and taken on a strange independent life of their own. + +It is this idea of escaping parts from the seventeenth century +system of Bladesover, of proliferating and overgrowing elements +from the Estates, that to this day seems to me the best +explanation, not simply of London, but of all England. England +is a country of great Renascence landed gentlefolk who have been +unconsciously outgrown and overgrown. The proper shops for +Bladesover custom were still to be found in Regent Street and +Bond Street in my early London days in those days they had been +but lightly touched by the American's profaning hand--and in +Piccadilly. I found the doctor's house of the country village or +country town up and down Harley Street, multiplied but not +otherwise different, and the family solicitor (by the hundred) +further eastward in the abandoned houses of a previous generation +of gentlepeople, and down in Westminster, behind Palladian +fronts, the public offices sheltered in large Bladesoverish rooms +and looked out on St. James's Park. The Parliament Houses of +lords and gentlemen, the parliament house that was horrified when +merchants and brewers came thrusting into it a hundred years ago, +stood out upon its terrace gathering the whole system together +into a head. + +And the more I have paralleled these things with my +Bladesover-Eastry model, the more evident it has become to me +that the balance is not the same, and the more evident is the +presence of great new forces, blind forces of invasion, of +growth. The railway termini on the north side of London have +been kept as remote as Eastry had kept the railway-station from +Wimblehurst, they stop on the very outskirts of the estates, but +from the south, the South Eastern railway had butted its great +stupid rusty iron head of Charing Cross station, that great head +that came smashing down in 1905--clean across the river, between +Somerset House and Whitehall. The south side had no protecting +estate. Factory chimneys smoke right over against Westminster +with an air of carelessly not having permission, and the whole +effect of industrial London and of all London east of Temple Bar +and of the huge dingy immensity of London port is to me of +something disproportionately large, something morbidly expanded, +without plan or intention, dark and sinister toward the clean +clear social assurance of the West End. And south of this +central London, south-east, south-west, far west, north-west, all +round the northern hills, are similar disproportionate growths, +endless streets of undistinguished houses, undistinguished +industries, shabby families, second-rate shops, inexplicable +people who in a once fashionable phrase do not "exist." All +these aspects have suggested to my mind at times, do suggest to +this day, the unorganised, abundant substance of some tumorous +growth-process, a process which indeed bursts all the outlines of +the affected carcass and protrudes such masses as ignoble +comfortable Croydon, as tragic impoverished West Ham. To this +day I ask myself will those masses ever become structural, will +they indeed shape into anything new whatever, or is that +cancerous image their true and ultimate diagnosis?... + +Moreover, together with this hypertrophy there is an immigration +of elements that have never understood and never will understand +the great tradition, wedges of foreign settlement embedded in the +heart of this yeasty English expansion. One day I remember +wandering eastward out of pure curiosity--it must have been in +my early student days--and discovering a shabbily bright foreign +quarter, shops displaying Hebrew placards and weird, unfamiliar +commodities and a concourse of bright-eyed, eagle-nosed people +talking some incomprehensible gibberish between the shops and +the barrows. And soon I became quite familiar with the devious. +vicious, dirtily-pleasant eroticism of Soho. I found those +crowded streets a vast relief from the dull grey exterior of +Brompton where I lodged and lived my daily life. In Soho, +indeed, I got my first inkling of the factor of replacement that +is so important in both the English and the American process. + +Even in the West End, in Mayfair and the square, about Pall Mall, +Ewart was presently to remind me the face of the old aristocratic +dignity was fairer than its substance; here were actors and +actresses, here money lenders and Jews, here bold financial +adventurers, and I thought of my uncle's frayed cuff as he +pointed out this house in Park Lane and that. That was so and +so's who made a corner in borax, and that palace belonged to that +hero among modern adventurers, Barmentrude, who used to be an +I.D.B.,--an illicit diamond buyer that is to say. A city of +Bladesovers, the capital of a kingdom of Bladesovers, all much +shaken and many altogether in decay, parasitically occupied, +insidiously replaced by alien, unsympathetic and irresponsible +elements; and with a ruling an adventitious and miscellaneous +empire of a quarter of this daedal earth complex laws, +intricate social necessities, disturbing insatiable suggestions, +followed from this. Such was the world into which I had come, +into which I had in some way to thrust myself and fit my problem, +my temptations, my efforts, my patriotic instinct, all my moral +instincts, my physical appetites, my dreams and my sanity. + +London! I came up to it, young and without advisers, rather +priggish, rather dangerously open-minded and very open-eyed, and +with something--it is, I think, the common gift of imaginative +youth, and I claim it unblushingly--fine in me, finer than the +world and seeking fine responses. I did not want simply to live +or simply to live happily or well; I wanted to serve and do and +make--with some nobility. It was in me. It is in half the youth +of the world. + +II + +I had come to London as a scholar. I had taken the Vincent +Bradley scholarship of the Pharmaceutical Society, but I threw +this up when I found that my work of the Science and Art +Department in mathematics, physics and chemistry had given me one +of the minor Technical Board Scholarships at the Consolidated +Technical Schools at South Kensington. This latter was in +mechanics and metallurgy; and I hesitated between the two. The +Vincent Bradley gave me L70 a year and quite the best start-off a +pharmaceutical chemist could have; the South Kensington thing was +worth about twenty-two shillings a week, and the prospects it +opened were vague. But it meant far more scientific work than +the former, and I was still under the impulse of that great +intellectual appetite that is part of the adolescence of men of +my type. Moreover it seemed to lead towards engineering, in +which I imagined--I imagine to this day--my particular use is to +be found. I took its greater uncertainty as a fair risk. I came +up very keen, not doubting that the really hard and steady +industry that had carried me through Wimblehurst would go on +still in the new surroundings. + +Only from the very first it didn't.... + +When I look back now at my Wimblehurst days, I still find myself +surprised at the amount of steady grinding study, of strenuous +self-discipline that I maintained throughout my apprenticeship. +In many ways I think that time was the most honourable period in +my life. I wish I could say with a certain mind that my motives +in working so well were large and honourable too. To a certain +extent they were so; there was a fine sincere curiosity, a desire +for the strength and power of scientific knowledge and a passion +for intellectual exercise; but I do not think those forces alone +would have kept me at it so grimly and closely if Wimblehurst +had not been so dull, so limited and so observant. Directly I +came into the London atmosphere, tasting freedom, tasting +irresponsibility and the pull of new forces altogether, my +discipline fell from me like a garment. Wimblehurst to a +youngster in my position offered no temptations worth counting, +no interests to conflict with study, no vices--such vices as it +offered were coarsely stripped of any imaginative glamourfull +drunkenness, clumsy leering shameful lust, no social intercourse +even to waste one's time, and on the other hand it would minister +greatly to the self-esteem of a conspicuously industrious +student. One was marked as "clever," one played up to the part, +and one's little accomplishment stood out finely in one's private +reckoning against the sunlit small ignorance of that agreeable +place. One went with an intent rush across the market square, +one took one's exercise with as dramatic a sense of an ordered +day as an Oxford don, one burnt the midnight oil quite +consciously at the rare respectful, benighted passer-by. And +one stood out finely in the local paper with one's unapproachable +yearly harvest of certificates. Thus I was not only a genuinely +keen student, but also a little of a prig and poseur in those +days--and the latter kept the former at it, as London made clear. + +Moreover Wimblehurst had given me no outlet in any other +direction. + +But I did not realise all this when I came to London, did not +perceive how the change of atmosphere began at once to warp and +distribute my energies. In the first place I became invisible. +If I idled for a day, no one except my fellow-students (who +evidently had no awe for me) remarked it. No one saw my midnight +taper; no one pointed me out as I crossed the street as an +astonishing intellectual phenomenon. In the next place I became +inconsiderable. In Wimblehurst I felt I stood for Science; +nobody there seemed to have so much as I and to have it so fully +and completely. In London I walked ignorant in an immensity, and +it was clear that among my fellow-students from the midlands and +the north I was ill-equipped and under-trained. With the utmost +exertion I should only take a secondary position among them. And +finally, in the third place, I was distracted by voluminous new +interests; London took hold of me, and Science, which had been +the universe, shrank back to the dimensions of tiresome little +formulae compacted in a book. I came to London in late +September, and it was a very different London from that great +greyly-overcast, smoke-stained house-wilderness of my first +impressions. I reached it by Victoria and not by Cannon Street, +and its centre was now in Exhibition Road. It shone, pale amber, +blue-grey and tenderly spacious and fine under clear autumnal +skies. a London of hugely handsome buildings and vistas and +distances, a London of gardens and labyrinthine tall museums, of +old trees and remote palaces and artificial waters. I lodged +near by in West Brompton at a house in a little square. + +So London faced me the second time, making me forget altogether +for a while the grey, drizzling city visage that had first looked +upon me. I settled down and went to and fro to my lectures and +laboratory; in the beginning I worked hard, and only slowly did +the curiosity that presently possessed me to know more of this +huge urban province arise, the desire to find something beyond +mechanism that I could serve, some use other than learning. With +this was a growing sense of loneliness, a desire for adventure +and intercourse. I found myself in the evenings poring over a +map of London I had bought, instead of copying out lecture +notes--and on Sundays I made explorations, taking omnibus rides +east and west and north and south, and to enlarging and +broadening the sense of great swarming hinterlands of humanity +with whom I had no dealings, of whom I knew nothing.... + +The whole illimitable place teemed with suggestions of indefinite +and sometimes outrageous possibility, of hidden but magnificent +meanings. + +It wasn't simply that I received a vast impression of space and +multitude and opportunity; intimate things also were suddenly +dragged from neglected, veiled and darkened corners into an acute +vividness of perception. Close at hand in the big art museum I +came for the first time upon the beauty of nudity, which I had +hitherto held to be a shameful secret, flaunted and gloried in; I +was made aware of beauty as not only permissible, but desirable +and frequent and of a thousand hitherto unsuspected rich aspects +of life. One night in a real rapture, I walked round the upper +gallery of the Albert Hall and listened for the first time to +great music; I believe now that it was a rendering of Beethoven's +Ninth Symphony.... + +My apprehension of spaces and places was reinforced by a +quickened apprehension of persons. A constant stream of people +passed by me, eyes met and challenged mine and passed--more and +more I wanted then to stay--if I went eastward towards +Piccadilly, women who seemed then to my boyish inexperience +softly splendid and alluring, murmured to me as they passed. +Extraordinarily life unveiled. The very hoardings clamoured +strangely at one's senses and curiosities. One bought pamphlets +and papers full of strange and daring ideas transcending one's +boldest; in the parks one heard men discussing the very existence +of God, denying the rights of property, debating a hundred things +that one dared not think about in Wimblehurst. And after the +ordinary overcast day, after dull mornings, came twilight, and +London lit up and became a thing of white and yellow and red +jewels of light and wonderful floods of golden illumination and +stupendous and unfathomable shadows--and there were no longer +any mean or shabby people--but a great mysterious movement of +unaccountable beings.... + +Always I was coming on the queerest new aspects. Late one +Saturday night I found myself one of a great slow-moving crowd +between the blazing shops and the flaring barrows in the Harrow +Road; I got into conversation with two bold-eyed girls, bought +them boxes of chocolate, made the acquaintance of father and +mother and various younger brothers and sisters, sat in a +public-house hilariously with them all, standing and being stood +drinks, and left them in the small hours at the door of "home," +never to see them again. And once I was accosted on the +outskirts of a Salvation Army meeting in one of the parks by a +silk-hatted young man of eager and serious discourse, who argued +against scepticism with me, invited me home to tea into a clean +and cheerful family of brothers and sisters and friends, and +there I spent the evening singing hymns to the harmonium (which +reminded me of half-forgotten Chatham), and wishing all the +sisters were not so obviously engaged.... + +Then on the remote hill of this boundless city-world I found +Ewart. + +III + +How well I remember the first morning, a bright Sunday morning in +early October, when I raided in upon Ewart! I found my old +schoolfellow in bed in a room over an oil-shop in a back street +at the foot of Highgate Hill. His landlady, a pleasant, dirty +young woman with soft-brown eyes, brought down his message for me +to come up; and up I went. The room presented itself as ample +and interesting in detail and shabby with a quite commendable +shabbiness. I had an impression of brown walls--they were +papered with brown paper-- of a long shelf along one side of the +room, with dusty plaster casts and a small cheap lay figure of a +horse, of a table and something of grey wax partially covered +with a cloth, and of scattered drawings. There was a gas stove +in one corner, and some enameled ware that had been used for +overnight cooking. The oilcloth on the floor was streaked with a +peculiar white dust. Ewart himself was not in the first instance +visible, but only a fourfold canvas screen at the end of the room +from which shouts proceeded of "Come on!" then his wiry black +hair, very much rumpled, and a staring red-brown eye and his +stump of a nose came round the edge of this at a height of about +three feet from the ground "It's old Ponderevo!" he said, "the +Early bird! And he's caught the worm! By Jove, but it's cold this +morning! Come round here and sit on the bed!" + +I walked round, wrung his hand, and we surveyed one another. + +He was lying on a small wooden fold-up bed, the scanty covering +of which was supplemented by an overcoat and an elderly but still +cheerful pair of check trousers, and he was wearing pajamas of a +virulent pink and green. His neck seemed longer and more stringy +than it had been even in our schooldays, and his upper lip had a +wiry black moustache. The rest of his ruddy, knobby countenance, +his erratic hair and his general hairy leanness had not even--to +my perceptions grown. + +"By Jove!" he said, "you've got quite decent-looking, Ponderevo! +What do you think of me?" + +"You're all right. What are you doing here?" + +"Art, my son--sculpture! And incidentally--" He hesitated. "I +ply a trade. Will you hand me that pipe and those smoking +things? So! You can't make coffee, eh? Well, try your hand. +Cast down this screen--no--fold it up and so we'll go into the +other room. I'll keep in bed all the same. The fire's a gas +stove. Yes. Don't make it bang too loud as you light it--I +can't stand it this morning. You won't smoke ?... Well, it does +me good to see you again, Ponderevo. Tell me what you're doing, +and how you're getting on." + +He directed me in the service of his simple hospitality, and +presently I came back to his bed and sat down and smiled at him +there, smoking comfortably, with his hands under his head, +surveying me. + +"How's Life's Morning, Ponderevo? By Jove, it must be nearly six +years since we met! They've got moustaches. We've fleshed +ourselves a bit, eh? And you?" + +I felt a pipe was becoming after all, and that lit, I gave him a +favourable sketch of my career. + +"Science! And you've worked like that! While I've been potting +round doing odd jobs for stone-masons and people, and trying to +get to sculpture. I've a sort of feeling that the chisel--I +began with painting, Ponderevo, and found I was colour-blind, +colour-blind enough to stop it. I've drawn about and thought +about--thought more particularly. I give myself three days a +week as an art student, and the rest of the time I've a sort of +trade that keeps me. And we're still in the beginning of things, +young men starting. Do you remember the old times at Goudhurst, +our doll's-house island, the Retreat of the Ten Thousand Young +Holmes and the rabbits, eh? It's surprising, if you think of it, +to find we are still young. And we used to talk of what we would +be, and we used to talk of love! I suppose you know all about +that now, Ponderevo?" + +I finished and hesitated on some vague foolish lie, "No," I said, +a little ashamed of the truth. "Do you? I've been too busy." + +"I'm just beginning--just as we were then. Things happen." + +He sucked at his pipe for a space and stared at the plaster cast +of a flayed hand that hung on the wall. + +"The fact is, Ponderevo, I'm beginning to find life a most +extraordinary queer set-out; the things that pull one, the things +that don't. The wants--This business of sex. It's a net. No +end to it, no way out of it, no sense in it. There are times +when women take possession of me, when my mind is like a painted +ceiling at Hampton Court with the pride of the flesh sprawling +all over it. WHY?... And then again sometimes when I have to +encounter a woman, I am overwhelmed by a terror of tantalising +boredom--I fly, I hide, I do anything. You've got your +scientific explanations perhaps; what's Nature and the universe +up to in that matter?" + +"It's her way, I gather, of securing the continuity of the +species." + +"But it doesn't," said Ewart. "That's just it! No. I have +succumbed to--dissipation--down the hill there. Euston Road way. + +And it was damned ugly and mean, and I hate having done it. And +the continuity of the species--Lord!... And why does Nature make +a man so infernally ready for drinks? There's no sense in that +anyhow." He sat up in bed, to put this question with the greater +earnestness. "And why has she given me a most violent desire +towards sculpture and an equally violent desire to leave off work +directly I begin it, eh?... Let's have some more coffee. I put +it to you, these things puzzle me, Ponderevo. They dishearten +me. They keep me in bed." + +He had an air of having saved up these difficulties for me for +some time. He sat with his chin almost touching his knees, +sucking at his pipe. + +"That's what I mean," he went on, "when I say life is getting on +to me as extraordinarily queer, I don't see my game, nor why I +was invited. And I don't make anything of the world outside +either. What do you make of it?" + +"London," I began. "It's--so enormous!" + +"Isn't it! And it's all up to nothing. You find chaps keeping +grocers' shops--why the DEVIL, Ponderevo, do they keep grocers' +shops? They all do it very carefully, very steadily, very +meanly. You find people running about and doing the most +remarkable things being policemen, for example, and burglars. +They go about these businesses quite gravely and earnestly. I +somehow--can't go about mine. Is there any sense in it at +all--anywhere?" + +"There must be sense in it," I said. "We're young." + +"We're young--yes. But one must inquire. The grocer's a grocer +because, I suppose, he sees he comes in there. Feels that on the +whole it amounts to a call.... But the bother is I don't see +where I come in at all. Do you?" + +"Where you come in?" + +"No, where you come in." + +"Not exactly, yet," I said. "I want to do some good in the +world--something--something effectual, before I die. I have a +sort of idea my scientific work-- I don't know." + +"Yes," he mused." And I've got a sort of idea my sculpture,--but +now it is to come in and WHY,--I've no idea at all." He hugged +his knees for a space. "That's what puzzles me, Ponderevo, no +end." + +He became animated. "If you will look in that cupboard," he +said, "you will find an old respectable looking roll on a plate +and a knife somewhere and a gallipot containing butter. You give +them me and I'll make my breakfast, and then if you don't mind +watching me paddle about at my simple toilet I'll get up. Then +we'll go for a walk and talk about this affair of life further. +And about Art and Literature and anything else that crops up on +the way.... Yes, that's the gallipot. Cockroach got in it? +Chuck him out--damned interloper...." + +So in the first five minutes of our talk, as I seem to remember +it now, old Ewart struck the note that ran through all that +morning's intercourse.... + +To me it was a most memorable talk because it opened out quite +new horizons of thought. I'd been working rather close and out +of touch with Ewart's free gesticulating way. He was +pessimistic that day and sceptical to the very root of things. +He made me feel clearly, what I had not felt at all before, the +general adventurousness of life, particularly of life at the +stage we had reached, and also the absence of definite objects, +of any concerted purpose in the lives that were going on all +round us. He made me feel, too, how ready I was to take up +commonplace assumptions. Just as I had always imagined that +somewhere in social arrangements there was certainly a +Head-Master who would intervene if one went too far, so I had +always had a sort of implicit belief that in our England there +were somewhere people who understood what we were all, as a +nation, about. That crumpled into his pit of doubt and vanished. + +He brought out, sharply cut and certain, the immense effect of +purposelessness in London that I was already indistinctly +feeling. We found ourselves at last returning through Highgate +Cemetery and Waterlow Park--and Ewart was talking. + +"Look at it there," he said, stopping and pointing to the great +vale of London spreading wide and far. "It's like a sea--and we +swim in it. And at last down we go, and then up we come--washed +up here." He swung his arms to the long slopes about us, tombs +and headstones in long perspectives, in limitless rows. + +"We're young, Ponderevo, but sooner or later our whitened +memories will wash up on one of these beaches, on some such beach +as this. George Ponderevo, F.R.S., Sidney Ewart, R.I.P. Look at +the rows of 'em!" + +He paused. "Do you see that hand? The hand, I mean, pointing +upward, on the top of a blunted obelisk. Yes. Well, that's what +I do for a living--when I'm not thinking, or drinking, or +prowling, or making love, or pretending I'm trying to be a +sculptor without either the money or the morals for a model. +See? And I do those hearts afire and those pensive angel +guardians with the palm of peace. Damned well I do 'em and +damned cheap! I'm a sweated victim, Ponderevo..." + +That was the way of it, anyhow. I drank deep of talk that day; +we went into theology, into philosophy; I had my first glimpse of +socialism. I felt as though I had been silent in a silence since +I and he had parted. At the thought of socialism Ewart's moods +changed for a time to a sort of energy. "After all, all this +confounded vagueness might be altered. If you could get men to +work together..." + +It was a good talk that rambled through all the universe. I +thought I was giving my mind refreshment, but indeed it was +dissipation. All sorts of ideas, even now, carry me back as it +were to a fountain-head, to Waterlow Park and my resuscitated +Ewart. There stretches away south of us long garden slopes and +white gravestones and the wide expanse of London, and somewhere +in the picture is a red old wall, sun-warmed, and a great blaze +of Michaelmas daisies set off with late golden sunflowers and a +drift of mottled, blood-red, fallen leaves. It was with me that +day as though I had lifted my head suddenly out of dull and +immediate things and looked at life altogether.... But it played +the very devil with the copying up of my arrears of notes to +which I had vowed the latter half of that day. + +After that reunion Ewart and I met much and talked much, and in +our subsequent encounters his monologue was interrupted and I +took my share. He had exercised me so greatly that I lay awake +at nights thinking him over, and discoursed and answered him in +my head as I went in the morning to the College. I am by nature +a doer and only by the way a critic; his philosophical assertion +of the incalculable vagueness of life which fitted his natural +indolence roused my more irritable and energetic nature to +active protests. "It's all so pointless," I said, "because +people are slack and because it's in the ebb of an age. But +you're a socialist. Well, let's bring that about! And there's a +purpose. There you are!" + +Ewart gave me all my first conceptions of socialism; in a little +while I was an enthusiastic socialist and he was a passive +resister to the practical exposition of the theories he had +taught me. "We must join some organisation," I said. "We ought +to do things.... We ought to go and speak at street corners. +People don't know." + +You must figure me a rather ill-dressed young man in a state of +great earnestness, standing up in that shabby studio of his and +saying these things, perhaps with some gesticulations, and Ewart +with a clay-smudged face, dressed perhaps in a flannel shirt and +trousers, with a pipe in his mouth, squatting philosophically at +a table, working at some chunk of clay that never got beyond +suggestion. + +"I wonder why one doesn't want to," he said. + +It was only very slowly I came to gauge Ewart's real position in +the scheme of things, to understand how deliberate and complete +was this detachment of his from the moral condemnation and +responsibilities that played so fine a part in his talk. His was +essentially the nature of an artistic appreciator; he could find +interest and beauty in endless aspects of things that I marked as +evil, or at least as not negotiable; and the impulse I had +towards self-deception, to sustained and consistent +self-devotion, disturbed and detached and pointless as it was at +that time, he had indeed a sort of admiration for but no +sympathy. Like many fantastic and ample talkers he was at bottom +secretive, and he gave me a series of little shocks of discovery +throughout our intercourse. + +The first of these came in the realisation that he quite +seriously meant to do nothing in the world at all towards +reforming the evils he laid bare in so easy and dexterous a +manner. The next came in the sudden appearance of a person +called "Milly"--I've forgotten her surname--whom I found in his +room one evening, simply attired in a blue wrap--the rest of her +costume behind the screen--smoking cigarettes and sharing a +flagon of an amazingly cheap and self-assertive grocer's wine +Ewart affected, called "Canary Sack." "Hullo!" said Ewart, as I +came in. "This is Milly, you know. She's been being a +model--she IS a model really.... (keep calm, Ponderevo!) Have +some sack?" + +Milly was a woman of thirty, perhaps, with a broad, rather pretty +face, a placid disposition, a bad accent and delightful blond +hair that waved off her head with an irrepressible variety of +charm; and whenever Ewart spoke she beamed at him. Ewart was +always sketching this hair of hers and embarking upon clay +statuettes of her that were never finished. She was, I know now, +a woman of the streets, whom Ewart had picked up in the most +casual manner, and who had fallen in love with him, but my +inexperience in those days was too great for me to place her +then, and Ewart offered no elucidations. She came to him, he +went to her, they took holidays together in the country when +certainly she sustained her fair share of their expenditure. I +suspect him now even of taking money from her. Odd old Ewart! +It was a relationship so alien to my orderly conceptions of +honour, to what I could imagine any friend of mine doing, that I +really hardly saw it with it there under my nose. But I see it +and I think I understand it now.... + +Before I fully grasped the discursive manner in which Ewart was +committed to his particular way in life, I did, I say, as the +broad constructive ideas of socialism took hold of me, try to get +him to work with me in some definite fashion as a socialist. + +"We ought to join on to other socialists," I said. + +"They've got something." + +"Let's go and look at some first." + +After some pains we discovered the office of the Fabian Society, +lurking in a cellar in Clement's Inn; and we went and interviewed +a rather discouraging secretary who stood astraddle in front of a +fire and questioned us severely and seemed to doubt the integrity +of our intentions profoundly. He advised us to attend the next +open meeting in Clifford's Inn and gave us the necessary data. +We both contrived to get to the affair, and heard a discursive +gritty paper on Trusts and one of the most inconclusive +discussions you can imagine. Three-quarters of the speakers +seemed under some jocular obsession which took the form of +pretending to be conceited. It was a sort of family joke, and as +strangers to the family we did not like it.... As we came out +through the narrow passage from Clifford's Inn to the Strand, +Ewart suddenly pitched upon a wizened, spectacled little man in a +vast felt hat and a large orange tie. + +"How many members are there in this Fabian Society of yours?" he +asked. + +The little man became at once defensive in his manner. + +"About seven hundred," he said; "perhaps eight." + +"Like--like the ones here?" + +The little man gave a nervous self-satisfied laugh. "I suppose +they're up to sample," he said. + +The little man dropped out of existence and we emerged upon the +Strand. Ewart twisted his arm into a queerly eloquent gesture +that gathered up all the tall facades of the banks, the business +places, the projecting clock and towers of the Law Courts, the +advertisements, the luminous signs, into one social immensity, +into a capitalistic system gigantic and invincible. + +"These socialists have no sense of proportion," he said. "What +can you expect of them?" + +IV + +Ewart, as the embodiment of talk, was certainly a leading factor +in my conspicuous failure to go on studying. Social theory in +its first crude form of Democratic Socialism gripped my +intelligence more and more powerfully. I argued in the +laboratory with the man who shared my bench until we quarreled +and did not speak and also I fell in love. + +The ferment of sex had been creeping into my being like a slowly +advancing tide through all my Wimblehurst days, the stimulus of +London was like the rising of a wind out of the sea that brings +the waves in fast and high. Ewart had his share in that. More +and more acutely and unmistakably did my perception of beauty, +form and sound, my desire for adventure, my desire for +intercourse, converge on this central and commanding business of +the individual life. I had to get me a mate. + +I began to fall in love faintly with girls I passed in the +street, with women who sat before me in trains, with girl +fellow-students, with ladies in passing carriages, with +loiterers at the corners, with neat-handed waitresses in shops +and tea-rooms, with pictures even of girls and women. On my rare +visits to the theatre I always became exalted, and found the +actresses and even the spectators about me mysterious, +attractive, creatures of deep interest and desire. I had a +stronger and stronger sense that among these glancing, passing +multitudes there was somewhere one who was for me. And in spite +of every antagonistic force in the world, there was something in +my very marrow that insisted: "Stop! Look at this one! Think of +her! Won't she do ? This signifies--this before all things +signifies! Stop! Why are you hurrying by? This may be the +predestined person--before all others." + +It is odd that I can't remember when first I saw Marion, who +became my wife--whom I was to make wretched, who was to make me +wretched, who was to pluck that fine generalised possibility of +love out of my early manhood and make it a personal conflict. I +became aware of her as one of a number of interesting attractive +figures that moved about in my world, that glanced back at my +eyes, that flitted by with a kind of averted watchfulness. I +would meet her coming through the Art Museum, which was my short +cut to the Brompton Road, or see her sitting, reading as I +thought, in one of the bays of the Education Library. But +really, as I found out afterwards, she never read. She used to +come there to eat a bun in quiet. She was a very +gracefully-moving figure of a girl then, very plainly dressed, +with dark brown hair I remember, in a knot low on her neck behind +that confessed the pretty roundness of her head and harmonised +with the admirable lines of ears and cheek, the grave serenity of +mouth and brow. + +She stood out among the other girls very distinctly because they +dressed more than she did, struck emphatic notes of colour, +startled one by novelties in hats and bows and things. I've +always hated the rustle, the disconcerting colour boundaries, the +smart unnatural angles of women's clothes. Her plain black dress +gave her a starkness.... + +I do remember, though, how one afternoon I discovered the +peculiar appeal of her form for me. I had been restless with my +work and had finally slipped out of the Laboratory and come over +to the Art Museum to lounge among the pictures. I came upon her +in an odd corner of the Sheepshanks gallery, intently copying +something from a picture that hung high. I had just been in the +gallery of casts from the antique, my mind was all alive with my +newly awakened sense of line, and there she stood with face +upturned, her body drooping forward from the hips just a +little--memorably graceful--feminine. + +After that I know I sought to see her, felt a distinctive +emotion at her presence, began to imagine things about her. I no +longer thought of generalised womanhood or of this casual person +or that. I thought of her. + +An accident brought us together. I found myself one Monday +morning in an omnibus staggering westward from Victoria--I was +returning from a Sunday I'd spent at Wimblehurst in response to a +unique freak of hospitality on the part of Mr. Mantell. She was +the sole other inside passenger. And when the time came to pay +her fare, she became an extremely scared, disconcerted and +fumbling young woman; she had left her purse at home. + +Luckily I had some money. + +She looked at me with startled, troubled brown eyes; she +permitted my proffered payment to the conductor with a certain +ungraciousness that seemed a part of her shyness, and then as she +rose to go, she thanked me with an obvious affectation of ease. + +"Thank you so much," she said in a pleasant soft voice; and then +less gracefully, "Awfully kind of you, you know." + +I fancy I made polite noises. But just then I wasn't disposed to +be critical. I was full of the sense of her presence; her arm +was stretched out over me as she moved past me, the gracious +slenderness of her body was near me. The words we used didn't +seem very greatly to matter. I had vague ideas of getting out +with her--and I didn't. + +That encounter, I have no doubt, exercised me enormously. I lay +awake at night rehearsing it, and wondering about the next phase +of our relationship. That took the form of the return of my +twopence. I was in the Science Library, digging something out of +the Encyclopedia Britannica, when she appeared beside me and +placed on the open page an evidently premeditated thin envelope, +bulgingly confessing the coins within. + +"It was so very kind of you," she said, "the other day. I don't +know what I should have done, Mr.--" + +I supplied my name. "I knew," I said, "you were a student here." + +"Not exactly a student. I--" + +"Well, anyhow, I knew you were here frequently. And I'm a +student myself at the Consolidated Technical Schools." + +I plunged into autobiography and questionings, and so entangled +her in a conversation that got a quality of intimacy through the +fact that, out of deference to our fellow-readers, we were +obliged to speak in undertones. And I have no doubt that in +substance it was singularly banal. Indeed I have an impression +that all our early conversations were incredibly banal. We met +several times in a manner half-accidental, half furtive and +wholly awkward. Mentally I didn't take hold of her. I never did +take hold of her mentally. Her talk, I now know all too clearly, +was shallow, pretentious, evasive. Only--even to this day--I +don't remember it as in any way vulgar. She was, I could see +quite clearly, anxious to overstate or conceal her real social +status, a little desirous to be taken for a student in the art +school and a little ashamed that she wasn't. She came to the +museum to "copy things," and this, I gathered, had something to +do with some way of partially earning her living that I wasn't to +inquire into. I told her things about myself, vain things that I +felt might appeal to her, but that I learnt long afterwards made +her think me "conceited." We talked of books, but there she was +very much on her guard and secretive, and rather more freely of +pictures. She "liked" pictures. I think from the outset I +appreciated and did not for a moment resent that hers was a +commonplace mind, that she was the unconscious custodian of +something that had gripped my most intimate instinct, that she +embodied the hope of a possibility, was the careless proprietor +of a physical quality that had turned my head like strong wine. +I felt I had to stick to our acquaintance, flat as it was. +Presently we should get through these irrelevant exterior things, +and come to the reality of love beneath. + +I saw her in dreams released, as it were, from herself, +beautiful, worshipful, glowing. And sometimes when we were +together, we would come on silences through sheer lack of matter, +and then my eyes would feast on her, and the silence seemed like +the drawing back of a curtain--her superficial self. Odd, I +confess. Odd, particularly, the enormous hold of certain things +about her upon me, a certain slight rounded duskiness of skin, a +certain perfection of modelling in her lips, her brow, a certain +fine flow about the shoulders. She wasn't indeed beautiful to +many people--these things are beyond explaining. She had +manifest defects of form and feature, and they didn't matter at +all. Her complexion was bad, but I don't think it would have +mattered if it had been positively unwholesome. I had +extraordinarily limited, extraordinarily painful, desires. I +longed intolerably to kiss her lips. + +V + +The affair was immensely serious and commanding to me. I don't +remember that in these earlier phases I had any thought of +turning back at all. It was clear to me that she regarded me +with an eye entirely more critical than I had for her, that she +didn't like my scholarly untidiness, my want of even the most +commonplace style. "Why do you wear collars like that?" she +said, and sent me in pursuit of gentlemanly neckwear. I remember +when she invited me a little abruptly one day to come to tea at +her home on the following Sunday and meet her father and mother +and aunt, that I immediately doubted whether my hitherto +unsuspected best clothes would create the impression she desired +me to make on her belongings. I put off the encounter until the +Sunday after, to get myself in order. I had a morning coat made +and I bought a silk hat, and had my reward in the first glance of +admiration she ever gave me. I wonder how many of my sex are as +preposterous. I was, you see, abandoning all my beliefs, my +conventions unasked. I was forgetting myself immensely. And +there was a conscious shame in it all. Never a word--did I +breathe to Ewart--to any living soul of what was going on. + +Her father and mother and aunt struck me as the dismalest of +people, and her home in Walham Green was chiefly notable for its +black and amber tapestry carpets and curtains and table-cloths, +and the age and irrelevance of its books, mostly books with faded +gilt on the covers. The windows were fortified against the +intrusive eye by cheap lace curtains and an "art pot" upon an +unstable octagonal table. Several framed Art School drawings of +Marion's, bearing official South Kensington marks of approval, +adorned the room, and there was a black and gilt piano with a +hymn-book on the top of it. There were draped mirrors over all +the mantels, and above the sideboard in the dining-room in which +we sat at tea was a portrait of her father, villainously truthful +after the manner of such works. I couldn't see a trace of the +beauty I found in her in either parent, yet she somehow contrived +to be like them both. + +These people pretended in a way that reminded me of the Three +Great Women in my mother's room, but they had not nearly so much +social knowledge and did not do it nearly so well. Also, I +remarked, they did it with an eye on Marion. They had wanted to +thank me, they said, for the kindness to their daughter in the +matter of the 'bus fare, and so accounted for anything unusual in +their invitation. They posed as simple gentlefolk, a little +hostile to the rush and gadding-about of London, preferring a +secluded and unpretentious quiet. + +When Marion got out the white table-cloth from the +sideboard-drawer for tea, a card bearing the word "APARTMENTS" +fell to the floor. I picked it up and gave it to her before I +realised from her quickened colour that I should not have seen +it; that probably had been removed from the window in honour of +my coming. + +Her father spoke once in a large remote way of he claims of +business engagements, and it was only long afterwards I realised +that he was a supernumerary clerk in the Walham Green Gas Works +and otherwise a useful man at home. He was a large, loose, +fattish man with unintelligent brown eyes magnified by +spectacles; he wore an ill-fitting frock-coat and a paper collar, +and he showed me, as his great treasure and interest, a large +Bible which he had grangerised with photographs of pictures. +Also he cultivated the little garden-yard behind the house, and +he had a small greenhouse with tomatoes. "I wish I 'ad 'eat," he +said. "One can do such a lot with 'eat. But I suppose you can't +'ave everything you want in this world." + +Both he and Marion's mother treated her with a deference that +struck me as the most natural thing in the world. Her own manner +changed, became more authoritative and watchful, her shyness +disappeared. She had taken a line of her own I gathered, draped +the mirror, got the second-hand piano, and broken her parents in. + +Her mother must once have been a pretty woman; she had regular +features and Marion's hair without its lustre, but she was thin +and careworn. The aunt, Miss Ramboat, was a large, abnormally +shy person very like her brother, and I don't recall anything she +said on this occasion. + +To begin with there was a good deal of tension, Marion was +frightfully nervous and every one was under the necessity of +behaving in a mysteriously unreal fashion until I plunged, became +talkative and made a certain ease and interest. I told them of +the schools, of my lodgings, of Wimblehurst and my apprenticeship +days. "There's a lot of this Science about nowadays," Mr. +Ramboat reflected; "but I sometimes wonder a bit what good it +is?" + +I was young enough to be led into what he called "a bit of a +discussion," which Marion truncated before our voices became +unduly raised. "I dare say, "she said, "there's much to be said +on both sides." + +I remember Marion's mother asked me what church I attended, and +that I replied evasively. After tea there was music and we sang +hymns. I doubted if I had a voice when this was proposed, but +that was held to be a trivial objection, and I found sitting +close beside the sweep of hair from Marion's brow had many +compensations. I discovered her mother sitting in the horsehair +armchair and regarding us sentimentally. I went for a walk with +Marion towards Putney Bridge, and then there was more singing and +a supper of cold bacon and pie, after which Mr. Ramboat and I +smoked. During that walk, I remember, she told me the import of +her sketchings and copyings in the museum. A cousin of a friend +of hers whom she spoke of as Smithie, had developed an original +business in a sort of tea-gown garment which she called a Persian +Robe, a plain sort of wrap with a gaily embroidered yoke, and +Marion went there and worked in the busy times. In the times +that weren't busy she designed novelties in yokes by an assiduous +use of eyes and note-book in the museum, and went home and traced +out the captured forms on the foundation material. "I don't get +much," said Marion, "but it's interesting, and in the busy times +we work all day. Of course the workgirls are dreadfully common, +but we don't say much to them. And Smithie talks enough for +ten." + +I quite understood the workgirls were dreadfully common. + +I don't remember that the Walham Green menage and the quality +of these people, nor the light they threw on Marion, detracted in +the slightest degree at that time from the intent resolve that +held me to make her mine. I didn't like them. But I took them +as part of the affair. Indeed, on the whole, I think they threw +her up by an effect of contrast; she was so obviously controlling +them, so consciously superior to them. + +More and more of my time did I give to this passion that +possessed me. I began to think chiefly of ways of pleasing +Marion, of acts of devotion, of treats, of sumptuous presents for +her, of appeals she would understand. If at times she was +manifestly unintelligent, in her ignorance became indisputable, I +told myself her simple instincts were worth all the education and +intelligence in the world. And to this day I think I wasn't +really wrong about her. There was something extraordinarily +fine about her, something simple and high, that flickered in and +out of her ignorance and commonness and limitations like the +tongue from the mouth of a snake.... + +One night I was privileged to meet her and bring her home from an +entertainment at the Birkbeck Institute. We came back on the +underground railway and we travelled first-class--that being the +highest class available. We were alone in the carriage, and for +the first time I ventured to put my arm about her. + +"You mustn't," she said feebly. + +"I love you," I whispered suddenly with my heart beating wildly, +drew her to me, drew all her beauty to me and kissed her cool and +unresisting lips. + +"Love me?" she said, struggling away from me, "Don't!" and then, +as the train ran into a station, "You must tell no one.... I +don't know.... You shouldn't have done that...." + +Then two other people got in with us and terminated my wooing for +a time. + +When we found ourselves alone together, walking towards +Battersea, she had decided to be offended. I parted from her +unforgiven and terribly distressed. + +When we met again, she told me I must never say "that" again. + +I had dreamt that to kiss her lips was ultimate satisfaction. +But it was indeed only the beginning of desires. I told her my +one ambition was to marry her. + +"But," she said, "you're not in a position-- What's the good of +talking like that?" + +I stared at her. "I mean to," I said. + +"You can't," she answered. "It will be years" + +"But I love you," I insisted. + +I stood not a yard from the sweet lips I had kissed; I stood +within arm's length of the inanimate beauty I desired to quicken, +and I saw opening between us a gulf of years, toil, waiting, +disappointments and an immense uncertainty. + +"I love you," I said. "Don't you love me?" + +She looked me in the face with grave irresponsive eyes. + +"I don't know," she said. "I LIKE you, of course.... One has to +be sensibl..." + +I can remember now my sense of frustration by her unresilient +reply. I should have perceived then that for her my ardour had +no quickening fire. But how was I to know? I had let myself +come to want her, my imagination endowed her with infinite +possibilities. I wanted her and wanted her, stupidly and +instinctively.... + +"But," I said "Love--!" + +"One has to be sensible," she replied. "I like going about with +you. Can't we keep as we are?'" + +VI + +Well, you begin to understand my breakdown now, I have been +copious enough with these apologia. My work got more and more +spiritless, my behaviour degenerated, my punctuality declined; I +was more and more outclassed in the steady grind by my +fellow-students. Such supplies of moral energy as I still had at +command shaped now in the direction of serving Marion rather than +science. + +I fell away dreadfully, more and more I shirked and skulked; the +humped men from the north, the pale men with thin, clenched +minds, the intent, hard-breathing students I found against me, +fell at last from keen rivalry to moral contempt. Even a girl +got above me upon one of the lists. Then indeed I made it a +point of honour to show by my public disregard of every rule that +I really did not even pretend to try. + +So one day I found myself sitting in a mood of considerable +astonishment in Kensington Gardens, reacting on a recent heated +interview with the school Registrar in which I had displayed more +spirit than sense. I was astonished chiefly at my stupendous +falling away from all the militant ideals of unflinching study I +had brought up from Wimblehurst. I had displayed myself, as the +Registrar put it, "an unmitigated rotter." My failure to get +marks in the written examination had only been equalled by the +insufficiency of my practical work. + +"I ask you," the Registrar had said, "what will become of you +when your scholarship runs out?" + +It certainly was an interesting question. What was going to +become of me? + +It was clear there would be nothing for me in the schools as I +had once dared to hope; there seemed, indeed, scarcely anything +in the world except an illpaid assistantship in some provincial +organized Science School or grammar school. I knew that for that +sort of work, without a degree or any qualification, one earned +hardly a bare living and had little leisure to struggle up to +anything better. If only I had even as little as fifty pounds I +might hold out in London and take my B.Sc. degree, and quadruple +my chances! My bitterness against my uncle returned at the +thought. After all, he had some of my money still, or ought to +have. Why shouldn't I act within my rights, threaten to 'take +proceedings'? I meditated for a space on the idea, and then +returned to the Science Library and wrote him a very considerable +and occasionally pungent letter. + +That letter to my uncle was the nadir of my failure. Its +remarkable consequences, which ended my student days altogether, +I will tell in the next chapter. + +I say "my failure." Yet there are times when I can even doubt +whether that period was a failure at all, when I become +defensively critical of those exacting courses I did not follow, +the encyclopaedic process of scientific exhaustion from which I +was distracted. My mind was not inactive, even if it fed on +forbidden food. I did not learn what my professors and +demonstrators had resolved I should learn, but I learnt many +things. My mind learnt to swing wide and to swing by itself. + +After all, those other fellows who took high places in the +College examinations and were the professor's model boys haven't +done so amazingly. Some are professors themselves, some +technical experts; not one can show things done such as I, +following my own interest, have achieved. For I have built boats +that smack across the water like whiplashes; no one ever dreamt +of such boats until I built them; and I have surprised three +secrets that are more than technical discoveries, in the +unexpected hiding-places of Nature. I have come nearer flying +than any man has done. Could I have done as much if I had had a +turn for obeying those rather mediocre professors at the college +who proposed to train my mind? If I had been trained in +research--that ridiculous contradiction in terms--should I have +done more than produce additions to the existing store of little +papers with blunted conclusions, of which there are already too +many? I see no sense in mock modesty upon this matter. Even by +the standards of worldly success I am, by the side of my +fellow-students, no failure. I had my F.R.S. by the time I was +thirty-seven, and if I am not very wealthy poverty is as far from +me as the Spanish Inquisition. Suppose I had stamped down on the +head of my wandering curiosity, locked my imagination in a box +just when it wanted to grow out to things, worked by so-and-so's +excellent method and so-and-so's indications, where should I be +now? + +I may be all wrong in this. It may be I should be a far more +efficient man than I am if I had cut off all those divergent +expenditures of energy, plugged up my curiosity about society +with more currently acceptable rubbish or other, abandoned +Ewart, evaded Marion instead of pursuing her, concentrated. But +I don't believe it! + +However, I certainly believed it completely and was filled with +remorse on that afternoon when I sat dejectedly in Kensington +Gardens and reviewed, in the light of the Registrar's pertinent +questions my first two years in London. + + +CHAPTER THE SECOND + +THE DAWN COMES, AND MY UNCLE APPEARS IN A NEW SILK HAT + +I + +Throughout my student days I had not seen my uncle. I refrained +from going to him in spite of an occasional regret that in this +way I estranged myself from my aunt Susan, and I maintained a +sulky attitude of mind towards him. And I don't think that once +in all that time I gave a thought to that mystic word of his that +was to alter all the world for us. Yet I had not altogether +forgotten it. It was with a touch of memory, dim transient +perplexity if no more--why did this thing seem in some way +personal?--that I read a new inscription upon the hoardings: + + THE SECRET OF VIGOUR, + TONO-BUNGAY. + +That was all. It was simple and yet in some way arresting. I +found myself repeating the word after I had passed; it roused +one's attention like the sound of distant guns. "Tono"--what's +that? and deep, rich, unhurrying;--"BUN--gay!" + +Then came my uncle's amazing telegram, his answer to my hostile +note: "Come to me at once you are wanted three hundred a year +certain tono-bungay." + +"By Jove!" I cried, "of course! + +"It's something--. A patent-medicine! I wonder what he wants +with me." + +In his Napoleonic way my uncle had omitted to give an address. +His telegram had been handed in at Farringdon Road, and after +complex meditations I replied to Ponderevo, Farringdon Road, +trusting to the rarity of our surname to reach him. + +"Where are you?" I asked. + +His reply came promptly: + +"192A, Raggett Street, E.C." + +The next day I took an unsanctioned holiday after the morning's +lecture. I discovered my uncle in a wonderfully new silk +hat--oh, a splendid hat! with a rolling brim that went beyond +the common fashion. It was decidedly too big for him--that was +its only fault. It was stuck on the back of his head, and he was +in a white waistcoat and shirt sleeves. He welcomed me with a +forgetfulness of my bitter satire and my hostile abstinence that +was almost divine. His glasses fell off at the sight of me. His +round inexpressive eyes shone brightly. He held out his plump +short hand. + +"Here we are, George! What did I tell you? Needn't whisper it +now, my boy. Shout it--LOUD! spread it about! Tell every one! +Tono--TONO--, TONO-BUNGAY!" + +Raggett Street, you must understand, was a thoroughfare over +which some one had distributed large quantities of cabbage +stumps and leaves. It opened out of the upper end of Farringdon +Street, and 192A was a shop with the plate-glass front coloured +chocolate, on which several of the same bills I had read upon the +hoardings had been stuck. The floor was covered by street mud +that had been brought in on dirty boots, and three energetic +young men of the hooligan type, in neck-wraps and caps, were +packing wooden cases with papered-up bottles, amidst much straw +and confusion. The counter was littered with these same swathed +bottles, of a pattern then novel but now amazingly familiar in +the world, the blue paper with the coruscating figure of a +genially nude giant, and the printed directions of how under +practically all circumstances to take Tono-Bungay. Beyond the +counter on one side opened a staircase down which I seem to +remember a girl descending with a further consignment of +bottles, and the rest of the background was a high partition, +also chocolate, with "Temporary Laboratory" inscribed upon it in +white letters, and over a door that pierced it, "Office." Here +I rapped, inaudible amid much hammering, and then entered +unanswered to find my uncle, dressed as I have described, one +hand gripping a sheath of letters, and the other scratching his +head as he dictated to one of three toiling typewriter girls. +Behind him was a further partition and a door inscribed +"ABSOLUTELY PRIVATE--NO ADMISSION," thereon. This partition was +of wood painted the universal chocolate, up to about eight feet +from the ground, and then of glass. Through the glass I saw dimly +a crowded suggestion of crucibles and glass retorts, and--by +Jove!--yes!--the dear old Wimblehurst air-pump still! It gave me +quite a little thrill--that air-pump! And beside it was the +electrical machine--but something--some serious trouble--had +happened to that. All these were evidently placed on a shelf +just at the level to show. + +"Come right into the sanctum," said my uncle, after he had +finished something about "esteemed consideration," and whisked +me through the door into a room that quite amazingly failed to +verify the promise of that apparatus. It was papered with dingy +wall-paper that had peeled in places; it contained a fireplace, +an easy-chair with a cushion, a table on which stood two or three +big bottles, a number of cigar-boxes on the mantel, whisky +Tantalus and a row of soda syphons. He shut the door after me +carefully. + +"Well, here we are!" he said. "Going strong! Have a whisky, +George? No!--Wise man! Neither will I! You see me at it! At +it--hard!" + +"Hard at what?" + +"Read it," and he thrust into my hand a label--that label that +has now become one of the most familiar objects of the chemist's +shop, the greenish-blue rather old-fashioned bordering, the +legend, the name in good black type, very clear, and the strong +man all set about with lightning flashes above the double column +of skilful lies in red--the label of Tono-Bungay. "It's +afloat," he said, as I stood puzzling at this. "It's afloat. +I'm afloat!" And suddenly he burst out singing in that throaty +tenor of his-- + + "I'm afloat, I'm afloat on the fierce flowing tide, + The ocean's my home and my bark is my bride! + +"Ripping song that is, George. Not so much a bark as a solution, +but still--it does! Here we are at it! By-the-by! Half a mo'! +I've thought of a thing." He whisked out, leaving me to examine +this nuclear spot at leisure while his voice became dictatorial +without. The den struck me as in its large grey dirty way quite +unprecedented and extraordinary. The bottles were all labelled +simply A, B, C, and so forth, and that dear old apparatus above, +seen from this side, was even more patiently "on the shelf" than +when it had been used to impress Wimblehurst. I saw nothing for +it but to sit down in the chair and await my uncle's +explanations. I remarked a frock-coat with satin lapels behind +the door; there was a dignified umbrella in the corner and a +clothes-brush and a hat-brush stood on a side-table. My uncle +returned in five minutes looking at his watch--a gold watch-- +"Gettin' lunch-time, George," he said. "You'd better come and +have lunch with me!" + +"How's Aunt Susan?" I asked. + +"Exuberant. Never saw her so larky. This has bucked her up +something wonderful--all this." + +"All what?" + +"Tono-Bungay." + +"What is Tono-Bungay?" I asked. + +My uncle hesitated. "Tell you after lunch, George," he said. +"Come along!" and having locked up the sanctum after himself, led +the way along a narrow dirty pavement, lined with barrows and +swept at times by avalanche-like porters bearing burthens to +vans, to Farringdon Street. He hailed a passing cab superbly, +and the cabman was infinitely respectful. "Schafer's," he said, +and off we went side by side--and with me more and more amazed at +all these things--to Schafer's Hotel, the second of the two big +places with huge lace curtain-covered windows, near the corner of +Blackfriars Bridge. + +I will confess I felt a magic charm in our relative proportions +as the two colossal, pale-blue-and-red liveried porters of +Schafers' held open the inner doors for us with a respectful +salutation that in some manner they seemed to confine wholly to +my uncle. Instead of being about four inches taller, I felt at +least the same size as he, and very much slenderer. Still more +respectful--waiters relieved him of the new hat and the dignified +umbrella, and took his orders for our lunch. He gave them with a +fine assurance. + +He nodded to several of the waiters. + +"They know me, George, already," he said. "Point me out. Live +place! Eye for coming men!" + +The detailed business of the lunch engaged our attention for a +while, and then I leant across my plate. "And NOW?" said I. + +"It's the secret of vigour. Didn't you read that label?" + +"Yes, but--" + +"It's selling like hot cakes." + +"And what is it?" I pressed. + +"Well," said my uncle, and then leant forward and spoke softly +under cover of his hand, "It's nothing more or less than..." + +(But here an unfortunate scruple intervenes. After all, +Tono-Bungay is still a marketable commodity and in the hands of +purchasers, who bought it from--among other vendors--me. No! I +am afraid I cannot give it away--) + +"You see," said my uncle in a slow confidential whisper, with +eyes very wide and a creased forehead, "it's nice because of the" +(here he mentioned a flavouring matter and an aromatic spirit), +"it's stimulating because of" (here he mentioned two very vivid +tonics, one with a marked action on the kidney.) "And the" (here +he mentioned two other ingredients) "makes it pretty +intoxicating. Cocks their tails. Then there's" (but I touch on +the essential secret.) "And there you are. I got it out of an +old book of recipes--all except the" (here he mentioned the more +virulent substance, the one that assails the kidneys), "which is +my idea! Modern touch! There you are!" + +He reverted to the direction of our lunch. + +Presently he was leading the way to the lounge--sumptuous piece +in red morocco and yellow glazed crockery, with incredible vistas +of settees and sofas and things, and there I found myself grouped +with him in two excessively upholstered chairs with an +earthenware Moorish table between us bearing coffee and +Benedictine, and I was tasting the delights of a tenpenny cigar. +My uncle smoked a similar cigar in an habituated manner, and he +looked energetic and knowing and luxurious and most unexpectedly +a little bounder, round the end of it. It was just a trivial +flaw upon our swagger, perhaps that we both were clear our cigars +had to be "mild." He got obliquely across the spaces of his +great armchair so as to incline confidentially to my ear, he +curled up his little legs, and I, in my longer way, adopted a +corresponding receptive obliquity. I felt that we should strike +an unbiased observer as a couple of very deep and wily and +developing and repulsive persons. + +"I want to let you into this"--puff--"George," said my uncle +round the end of his cigar. "For many reasons." + +His voice grew lower and more cunning. He made explanations that +to my inexperience did not completely explain. I retain an +impression of a long credit and a share with a firm of wholesale +chemists, of a credit and a prospective share with some pirate +printers, of a third share for a leading magazine and newspaper +proprietor. + +"I played 'em off one against the other," said my uncle. I took +his point in an instant. He had gone to each of them in turn and +said the others had come in. + +"I put up four hundred pounds," said my uncle, "myself and my +all. And you know--" + +He assumed a brisk confidence. "I hadn't five hundred pence. At +least--" + +For a moment he really was just a little embarrassed. "I DID" he +said, "produce capital. You see, there was that trust affair of +yours--I ought, I suppose--in strict legality--to have put that +straight first. Zzzz.... + +"It was a bold thing to do," said my uncle, shifting the venue +from the region of honour to the region of courage. And then +with a characteristic outburst of piety, "Thank God it's all come +right! + +"And now, I suppose, you ask where do YOU come in? Well, fact +is I've always believed in you, George. You've got--it's a sort +of dismal grit. Bark your shins, rouse you, and you'll go! +You'd rush any position you had a mind to rush. I know a bit +about character, George--trust me. You've got--" He clenched +his hands and thrust them out suddenly, and at the same time +said, with explosive violence, "Wooosh! Yes. You have! The way +you put away that Latin at Wimblehurst; I've never forgotten it. + +Wo-oo-oo-osh! Your science and all that! Wo-oo-oo-osh! I know +my limitations. There's things I can do, and" (he spoke in a +whisper, as though this was the first hint of his life's secret) +"there's things I can't. Well, I can create this business, but I +can't make it go. I'm too voluminous--I'm a boiler-over, not a +simmering stick-at-it. You keep on HOTTING UP AND HOTTING UP. +Papin's digester. That's you, steady and long and piling +up,--then, wo-oo-oo-oo-osh. Come in and stiffen these niggers. +Teach them that wo-oo-oo-oo-osh. There you are! That's what I'm +after. You! Nobody else believes you're more than a boy. Come +right in with me and be a man. Eh, George? Think of the fun of +it--a thing on the go--a Real Live Thing! Wooshing it up! +Making it buzz and spin! Whoo-oo-oo." --He made alluring +expanding circles in the air with his hand. "Eh?" + +His proposal, sinking to confidential undertones again, took more +definite shape. I was to give all my time and energy to +developing and organising. "You shan't write a single +advertisement, or give a single assurance" he declared. "I can +do all that." And the telegram vas no flourish; I was to have +three hundred a year. Three hundred a year. ("That's nothing," +said my uncle, "the thing to freeze on to, when the time comes, +is your tenth of the vendor's share.") + +Three hundred a year certain, anyhow! It was an enormous income +to me. For a moment I was altogether staggered. Could there be +that much money in the whole concern? I looked about me at the +sumptuous furniture of Schafer's Hotel. No doubt there were many +such incomes. + +My head was spinning with unwonted Benedictine and Burgundy. + +"Let me go back and look at the game again," I said. "Let me see +upstairs and round about." + +I did. + +"What do you think of it all?" my uncle asked at last. + +"Well, for one thing," I said, "why don't you have those girls +working in a decently ventilated room? Apart from any other +consideration, they'd work twice as briskly. And they ought to +cover the corks before labelling round the bottle" + +"Why?" said my uncle. + +"Because--they sometimes make a mucker of the cork job, and then +the label's wasted." + +"Come and change it, George," said my uncle, with sudden fervour +"Come here and make a machine of it. You can. Make it all +slick, and then make it woosh. I know you can. Oh! I know you +can." + +II + +I seem to remember very quick changes of mind after that lunch. +The muzzy exaltation of the unaccustomed stimulants gave way very +rapidly to a model of pellucid and impartial clairvoyance which +is one of my habitual mental states. It is intermittent; it +leaves me for weeks together, I know, but back it comes at last +like justice on circuit, and calls up all my impression, all my +illusions, all my willful and passionate proceedings. We came +downstairs again into that inner room which pretended to be a +scientific laboratory through its high glass lights, and indeed +was a lurking place. My uncle pressed a cigarette on me, and I +took it and stood before the empty fireplace while he propped his +umbrella in the corner, deposited the new silk hat that was a +little too big for him on the table, blew copiously and produced +a second cigar. + +It came into my head that he had shrunken very much in size since +the Wimblehurst days, that the cannon ball he had swallowed was +rather more evident and shameless than it had been, his skin less +fresh and the nose between his glasses, which still didn't quite +fit, much redder. And just then he seemed much laxer in his +muscles and not quite as alertly quick in his movements. But he +evidently wasn't aware of the degenerative nature of his changes +as he sat there, looking suddenly quite little under my eyes. + +"Well, George!" he said, quite happily unconscious of my silent +criticism, "what do you think of it all?" + +"Well," I said, "in the first place--it's a damned swindle!" + +"Tut! tut!" said my uncle. "It's as straight as-- It's fair +trading!" + +"So much the worse for trading," I said. + +"It's the sort of thing everybody does. After all, there's no +harm in the stuff--and it may do good. It might do a lot of +good--giving people confidence, f'rinstance, against an epidemic. + +See? Why not? don't see where your swindle comes in." + +"H'm," I said. "It's a thing you either see or don't see." + +"I'd like to know what sort of trading isn't a swindle in its +way. Everybody who does a large advertised trade is selling +something common on the strength of saying it's uncommon. Look +at Chickson--they made him a baronet. Look at Lord Radmore, who +did it on lying about the alkali in soap! Rippin' ads those were +of his too!" + +"You don't mean to say you think doing this stuff up in bottles +and swearing it's the quintessence of strength and making poor +devils buy it at that, is straight?" + +"Why not, George? How do we know it mayn't be the quintessence +to them so far as they're concerned?" + +"Oh!" I said, and shrugged my shoulders. + +"There's Faith. You put Faith in 'em.... I grant our labels are +a bit emphatic. Christian Science, really. No good setting +people against the medicine. Tell me a solitary trade nowadays +that hasn't to be--emphatic. It's the modern way! Everybody +understands it--everybody allows for it." + +"But the world would be no worse and rather better, if all this +stuff of yours was run down a conduit into the Thames." + +"Don't see that, George, at all. 'Mong other things, all our +people would be out of work. Unemployed! I grant you +Tono-Bungay MAY be--not QUITE so good a find for the world as +Peruvian bark, but the point is, George--it MAKES TRADE! And the +world lives on trade. Commerce! A romantic exchange of +commodities and property. Romance. 'Magination. See? You must +look at these things in a broad light. Look at the wood--and +forget the trees! And hang it, George! we got to do these +things! There's no way unless you do. What do YOU mean to +do--anyhow?" + +"There's ways of living," I said, "Without either fraud or +lying." + +"You're a bit stiff, George. There's no fraud in this affair, +I'll bet my hat. But what do you propose to do? Go as chemist +to some one who IS running a business, and draw a salary without +a share like I offer you. Much sense in that! It comes out of +the swindle as you call it--just the same." + +"Some businesses are straight and quiet, anyhow; supply a sound +article that is really needed, don't shout advertisements." + +"No, George. There you're behind the times. The last of that +sort was sold up 'bout five years ago." + +"Well, there's scientific research." + +"And who pays for that? Who put up that big City and Guilds +place at South Kensington? Enterprising business men! They +fancy they'll have a bit of science going on, they want a handy +Expert ever and again, and there you are! And what do you get +for research when you've done it? Just a bare living and no +outlook. They just keep you to make discoveries, and if they +fancy they'll use 'em they do." + +"One can teach." + +"How much a year, George? How much a year? I suppose you must +respect Carlyle! Well, you take Carlyle's test--solvency. +(Lord! what a book that French Revolution of his is!) See what +the world pays teachers and discoverers and what it pays business +men! That shows the ones it really wants. There's a justice in +these big things, George, over and above the apparent injustice. +I tell you it wants trade. It's Trade that makes the world go +round! Argosies! Venice! Empire!" + +My uncle suddenly rose to his feet. + +"You think it over, George. You think it over! And come up on +Sunday to the new place--we got rooms in Gower Street now--and +see your aunt. She's often asked for you, George often and +often, and thrown it up at me about that bit of property--though +I've always said and always will, that twenty-five shillings in +the pound is what I'll pay you and interest up to the nail. And +think it over. It isn't me I ask you to help. It's yourself. +It's your aunt Susan. It's the whole concern. It's the commerce +of your country. And we want you badly. I tell you straight, I +know my limitations. You could take this place, you could make +it go! I can see you at it--looking rather sour. Woosh is the +word, George." + +And he smiled endearingly. + +"I got to dictate a letter," he said, ending the smile, and +vanished into the outer room. + +III + +I didn't succumb without a struggle to my uncle's allurements. +Indeed, I held out for a week while I contemplated life and my +prospects. It was a crowded and muddled contemplation. It +invaded even my sleep. + +My interview with the Registrar, my talk with my uncle, my abrupt +discovery of the hopeless futility of my passion for Marion, had +combined to bring me to sense of crisis. What was I going to do +with life? + +I remember certain phases of my indecisions very well. + +I remember going home from our talk. I went down Farringdon +Street to the Embankment because I thought to go home by Holborn +and Oxford Street would be too crowded for thinking.... That +piece of Embankment from Blackfriars to Westminster still +reminds me of that momentous hesitation. + +You know, from first to last, I saw the business with my eyes +open, I saw its ethical and moral values quite clearly. Never +for a moment do I remember myself faltering from my persuasion +that the sale of Tono-Bungay was a thoroughly dishonest +proceeding. The stuff was, I perceived, a mischievous trash, +slightly stimulating, aromatic and attractive, likely to become a +bad habit and train people in the habitual use of stronger tonics +and insidiously dangerous to people with defective kidneys. It +would cost about sevenpence the large bottle to make, including +bottling, and we were to sell it at half a crown plus the cost of +the patent medicine stamp. A thing that I will confess deterred +me from the outset far more than the sense of dishonesty in this +affair, was the supreme silliness of the whole concern. I still +clung to the idea that the world of men was or should be a sane +and just organisation, and the idea that I should set myself +gravely, just at the fine springtime of my life, to developing a +monstrous bottling and packing warehouse, bottling rubbish for +the consumption of foolish, credulous and depressed people, had +in it a touch of insanity. My early beliefs still clung to me. +I felt assured that somewhere there must be a hitch in the fine +prospect of ease and wealth under such conditions; that +somewhere, a little overgrown, perhaps, but still traceable, lay +a neglected, wasted path of use and honour for me. + +My inclination to refuse the whole thing increased rather than +diminished at first as I went along the Embankment. In my +uncle's presence there had been a sort of glamour that had +prevented an outright refusal. It was a revival of affection +for him I felt in his presence, I think, in part, and in part an +instinctive feeling that I must consider him as my host. But +much more was it a curious persuasion he had the knack of +inspiring--a persuasion not so much of his integrity and capacity +as of the reciprocal and yielding foolishness of the world. One +felt that he was silly and wild, but in some way silly and wild +after the fashion of the universe. After all, one must live +somehow. I astonished him and myself by temporising. + +"No," said I, "I'll think it over!" + +And as I went along the embankment the first effect was all +against my uncle. He shrank--for a little while he continued to +shrink--in perspective until he was only a very small shabby +little man in a dirty back street, sending off a few hundred +bottles of rubbish to foolish buyers. The great buildings on +the right of us, the Inns and the School Board place--as it was +then--Somerset House, the big hotels, the great bridges, +Westminster's outlines ahead, had an effect of grey largeness +that reduced him to the proportions of a busy black beetle in a +crack in the floor. + +And then my eye caught the advertisements on the south side of +"Sorber's Food," of "Cracknell's Ferric Wine," very bright and +prosperous signs, illuminated at night, and I realised how +astonishingly they looked at home there, how evidently part they +were in the whole thing. + +I saw a man come charging out of Palace Yard--the policeman +touched his helmet to him--with a hat and a bearing astonishingly +like my uncle's. After all,--didn't Cracknell himself sit in the +House? + +Tono-Bungay shouted at me from a hoarding near Adelphi Terrace; I +saw it afar off near Carfax Street; it cried out again upon me in +Kensington High Street, and burst into a perfect clamour; six or +seven times I saw it as I drew near my diggings. It certainly +had an air of being something more than a dream. + +Yes, I thought it over--thoroughly enough.... Trade rules the +world. Wealth rather than trade! The thing was true, and true +too was my uncle's proposition that the quickest way to get +wealth is to sell the cheapest thing possible in the dearest +bottle. He was frightfully right after all. Pecunnia non +olet,--a Roman emperor said that. Perhaps my great heroes in +Plutarch were no more than such men, fine now only because they +are distant; perhaps after all this Socialism to which I had been +drawn was only a foolish dream, only the more foolish because all +its promises were conditionally true. Morris and these others +played with it wittingly; it gave a zest, a touch of substance, +to their aesthetic pleasures. Never would there be good faith +enough to bring such things about. They knew it; every one, +except a few young fools, knew it. As I crossed the corner of +St. James's Park wrapped in thought, I dodged back just in time +to escape a prancing pair of greys. A stout, common-looking +woman, very magnificently dressed, regarded me from the carriage +with a scornful eye. "No doubt," thought I, "a pill-vendor's +wife...." + +Running through all my thoughts, surging out like a refrain, was +my uncle's master-stroke, his admirable touch of praise: "Make it +all slick--and then make it go Woosh. I know you can! Oh! I +KNOW you can!" + +IV + +Ewart as a moral influence was unsatisfactory. I had made up my +mind to put the whole thing before him, partly to see how he took +it, and partly to hear how it sounded when it was said. I asked +him to come and eat with me in an Italian place near Panton +Street where one could get a curious, interesting, glutting sort +of dinner for eighteen-pence. He came with a disconcerting +black-eye that he wouldn't explain. "Not so much a black-eye," +he said, "as the aftermath of a purple patch.... What's your +difficulty?" + +"I'll tell you with the salad," I said. + +But as a matter of fact I didn't tell him. I threw out that I +was doubtful whether I ought to go into trade, or stick to +teaching in view of my deepening socialist proclivities; and he, +warming with the unaccustomed generosity of a sixteen-penny +Chianti, ran on from that without any further inquiry as to my +trouble. + +His utterances roved wide and loose. + +"The reality of life, my dear Ponderevo," I remember him saying +very impressively and punctuating with the nut-crackers as he +spoke, "is Chromatic Conflict ... and Form. Get hold of that and +let all these other questions go. The Socialist will tell you +one sort of colour and shape is right, the Individualist another. +What does it all amount to? What DOES it all amount to? +NOTHING! I have no advice to give anyone,--except to avoid +regrets. Be yourself, seek after such beautiful things as your +own sense determines to be beautiful. And don't mind the +headache in the morning.... For what, after all, is a morning, +Ponderevo? It isn't like the upper part of a day!" + +He paused impressively. + +"What Rot!" I cried, after a confused attempt to apprehend him. + +"Isn't it! And it's my bedrock wisdom in the matter! Take it or +leave it, my dear George; take it or leave it."... He put down +the nut-crackers out of my reach and lugged a greasy-looking +note-book from his pocket. "I'm going to steal this mustard +pot," he said. + +I made noises of remonstrance. + +"Only as a matter of design. I've got to do an old beast's tomb. + +Wholesale grocer. I'll put it on his corners,--four mustard +pots. I dare say he'd be glad of a mustard plaster now to cool +him, poor devil, where he is. But anyhow,--here goes!" + +V + +It came to me in the small hours that the real moral touchstone +for this great doubting of mind was Marion. I lay composing +statements of my problem and imagined myself delivering them to +her--and she, goddess-like and beautiful; giving her fine, +simply-worded judgment. + +"You see, it's just to give one's self over to the Capitalistic +System," I imagined myself saying in good Socialist jargon; "it's +surrendering all one's beliefs. We MAY succeed, we MAY grow +rich, but where would the satisfaction be?" + +Then she would say, "No! That wouldn't be right." + +"But the alternative is to wait!" + +Then suddenly she would become a goddess. She would turn upon me +frankly and nobly, with shining eyes, with arms held out. "No," +she would say, "we love one another. Nothing ignoble shall ever +touch us. We love one another. Why wait to tell each other +that, dear? What does it matter that we are poor and may keep +poor?" + +But indeed the conversation didn't go at all in that direction. +At the sight of her my nocturnal eloquence became preposterous +and all the moral values altered altogether. I had waited for +her outside the door of the Parsian-robe establishment in +Kensington High Street and walked home with her thence. I +remember how she emerged into the warm evening light and that she +wore a brown straw hat that made her, for once not only beautiful +but pretty. + +"I like that hat," I said by way of opening; and she smiled her +rare delightful smile at me. + +"I love you," I said in an undertone, as we jostled closer on the +pavement. + +She shook her head forbiddingly, but she still smiled. Then-- +"Be sensible!" + +The High Street pavement is too narrow and crowded for +conversation and we were some way westward before we spoke +again. + +"Look here," I said; "I want you, Marion. Don't you understand? +I want you." + +"Now!" she cried warningly. + +I do not know if the reader will understand how a passionate +lover, an immense admiration and desire, can be shot with a gleam +of positive hatred. Such a gleam there was in me at the serene +self-complacency of that "NOW!" It vanished almost before I +felt it. I found no warning in it of the antagonisms latent +between us. + +"Marion," I said, "this isn't a trifling matter to me. I love +you; I would die to get you.... Don't you care?" + +"But what is the good?" + +"You don't care," I cried. "You don't care a rap!" + +"You know I care," she answered. "If I didn't-- If I didn't like +you very much, should I let you come and meet me-- go about with +you?" + +"Well then," I said, "promise to marry me!" + +"If I do, what difference will it make?" + +We were separated by two men carrying a ladder who drove between +us unawares. + +"Marion," I asked when we got together again, "I tell you I want +you to marry me." + +"We can't." + +"Why not?" + +"We can't marry--in the street." + +"We could take our chance!" + +"I wish you wouldn't go on talking like this. What is the good?" + +She suddenly gave way to gloom. "It's no good marrying" she +said. "One's only miserable. I've seen other girls. When one's +alone one has a little pocket-money anyhow, one can go about a +little. But think of being married and no money, and perhaps +children--you can't be sure...." + +She poured out this concentrated philosophy of her class and type +in jerky uncompleted sentences, with knitted brows, with +discontented eyes towards the westward glow--forgetful, it +seemed, for a moment even of me. + +"Look here, Marion," I said abruptly, "what would you marry on?" + +"What IS the good?" she began. + +"Would you marry on three hundred a year?" + +She looked at me for a moment. "That's six pounds a week," she +said. "One could manage on that, easily. Smithie's brother--No, +he only gets two hundred and fifty. He married a typewriting +girl." + +"Will you marry me if I get three hundred a year?" + +She looked at me again, with a curious gleam of hope. + +"IF!" she said. + +I held out my hand and looked her in the eyes. "It's a bargain," +I said. + +She hesitated and touched my hand for an instant. "It's silly," +she remarked as she did so. "It means really we're--" She +paused. + +"Yes?" said I. + +"Engaged. You'll have to wait years. What good can it do you?" + +"Not so many years." I answered. + +For a moment she brooded. + +Then she glanced at me with a smile, half-sweet, half-wistful, +that has stuck in my memory for ever. + +"I like you!" she said. "I shall like to be engaged to you." + +And, faint on the threshold of hearing, I caught her ventured +"dear!" It's odd that in writing this down my memory passed over +all that intervened and I feel it all again, and once again I'm +Marion's boyish lover taking great joy in such rare and little +things. + +VI + +At last I went to the address my uncle had given me in Gower +Street, and found my aunt Susan waiting tea for him. + +Directly I came into the room I appreciated the change in outlook +that the achievement of Tono-Bungay had made almost as vividly as +when I saw my uncle's new hat. The furniture of the room struck +upon my eye as almost stately. The chairs and sofa were covered +with chintz which gave it a dim, remote flavour of Bladesover; +the mantel, the cornice, the gas pendant were larger and finer +than the sort of thing I had grown accustomed to in London. And +I was shown in by a real housemaid with real tails to her cap, +and great quantities of reddish hair. There was my aunt too +looking bright and pretty, in a blue-patterned tea-wrap with bows +that seemed to me the quintessence of fashion. She was sitting +in a chair by the open window with quite a pile of +yellow-labelled books on the occasional table beside her. Before +the large, paper-decorated fireplace stood a three-tiered +cake-stand displaying assorted cakes, and a tray with all the +tea equipage except the teapot, was on the large centre-table. +The carpet was thick, and a spice of adventure was given it by a +number of dyed sheep-skin mats. + +"Hello!" said my aunt as I appeared. "It's George!" + +"Shall I serve the tea now, Mem?" said the real housemaid, +surveying our greeting coldly. + +"Not till Mr. Ponderevo comes, Meggie," said my aunt, and +grimaced with extraordinary swiftness and virulence as the +housemaid turned her back. + +"Meggie she calls herself," said my aunt as the door closed, and +left me to infer a certain want of sympathy. + +"You're looking very jolly, aunt," said I. + +"What do you think of all this old Business he's got?" asked my +aunt. + +"Seems a promising thing," I said. + +"I suppose there is a business somewhere?" + +"Haven't you seen it ?" + +"'Fraid I'd say something AT it George, if I did. So he won't +let me. It came on quite suddenly. Brooding he was and writing +letters and sizzling something awful--like a chestnut going to +pop. Then he came home one day saying Tono-Bungay till I thought +he was clean off his onion, and singing--what was it?" + +"'I'm afloat, I'm afloat,'" I guessed. + +"The very thing. You've heard him. And saying our fortunes were +made. Took me out to the Ho'burm Restaurant, George,--dinner, +and we had champagne, stuff that blows up the back of your nose +and makes you go SO, and he said at last he'd got things worthy +of me--and we moved here next day. It's a swell house, George. +Three pounds a week for the rooms. And he says the Business'll +stand it." + +She looked at me doubtfully. + +"Either do that or smash," I said profoundly. + +We discussed the question for a moment mutely with our eyes. My +aunt slapped the pile of books from Mudie's. + +"I've been having such a Go of reading, George. You never did!" + +"What do you think of the business?" I asked. + +"Well, they've let him have money," she said, and thought and +raised her eyebrows. + +"It's been a time," she went on. "The flapping about! Me +sitting doing nothing and him on the go like a rocket. He's done +wonders. But he wants you, George--he wants you. Sometimes he's +full of hope--talks of when we're going to have a carriage and be +in society--makes it seem so natural and topsy-turvy, I hardly +know whether my old heels aren't up here listening to him, and +my old head on the floor.... Then he gets depressed. Says he +wants restraint. Says he can make a splash but can't keep on. +Says if you don't come in everything will smash--But you are +coming in?" + +She paused and looked at me. + +"Well--" + +"You don't say you won't come in!" + +"But look here, aunt," I said, "do you understand quite?... It's +a quack medicine. It's trash." + +"There's no law against selling quack medicine that I know of," +said my aunt. She thought for a minute and became unusually +grave. "It's our only chance, George," she said. "If it doesn't +go..." + +There came the slamming of a door, and a loud bellowing from the +next apartment through the folding doors. "Here-er Shee Rulk +lies Poo Tom Bo--oling." + +"Silly old Concertina! Hark at him, George!" She raised her +voice. "Don't sing that, you old Walrus, you! Sing 'I'm +afloat!'" + +One leaf of the folding doors opened and my uncle appeared. + +"Hullo, George! Come along at last? Gossome tea-cake, Susan?" + +"Thought it over George?" he said abruptly. + +"Yes," said I. + +"Coming in?" + +I paused for a last moment and nodded yes. + +"Ah!" he cried. "Why couldn't you say that a week ago?" + +"I've had false ideas about the world," I said. "Oh! they don't +matter now! Yes, I'll come, I'll take my chance with you, I +won't hesitate again." + +And I didn't. I stuck to that resolution for seven long years. + + +CHAPTER THE THIRD + +HOW WE MADE TONO-BUNGAY HUM + +I + +So I made my peace with my uncle, and we set out upon this bright +enterprise of selling slightly injurious rubbish at +one-and-three-halfpence and two-and-nine a bottle, including the +Government stamp. We made Tono-Bungay hum! It brought us +wealth, influence, respect, the confidence of endless people. +All that my uncle promised me proved truth and understatement; +Tono-Bungay carried me to freedoms and powers that no life of +scientific research, no passionate service of humanity could ever +have given me.... + +It was my uncle's genius that did it. No doubt he needed me,--I +was, I will admit, his indispensable right hand; but his was the +brain to conceive. He wrote every advertisement; some of them +even he sketched. You must remember that his were the days before +the Time took to enterprise and the vociferous hawking of that +antiquated Encyclopedia. That alluring, button-holing, let-me +-just-tell-you-quite-soberly-something-you-ought-to-know style of +newspaper advertisement, with every now and then a convulsive +jump of some attractive phrase into capitals, was then almost a +novelty. "Many people who are MODERATELY well think they are +QUITE well," was one of his early efforts. The jerks in capitals +were, "DO NOT NEED DRUGS OR MEDICINE," and "SIMPLY A PROPER +REGIMEN TO GET YOU IN TONE." One was warned against the chemist +or druggist who pushed "much-advertised nostrums" on one's +attention. That trash did more harm than good. The thing needed +was regimen--and Tono-Bungay! + +Very early, too, was that bright little quarter column, at least +it was usually a quarter column in the evening papers: +"HILARITY--Tono-Bungay. Like Mountain Air in the Veins." The +penetrating trio of questions: "Are you bored with your Business? +Are you bored with your Dinner. Are you bored with your Wife?" +--that, too, was in our Gower Street days. Both these we had in +our first campaign when we worked London south central, and west; +and then, too, we had our first poster--the HEALTH, BEAUTY, AND +STRENGTH one. That was his design; I happen still to have got by +me the first sketch he made for it. I have reproduced it here +with one or two others to enable the reader to understand the +mental quality that initiated these familiar ornaments of London. + +(The second one is about eighteen months later, the germ of the +well-known "Fog" poster; the third was designed for an influenza +epidemic, but never issued.) + +These things were only incidental in my department. + +I had to polish them up for the artist and arrange the business +of printing and distribution, and after my uncle had had a +violent and needless quarrel with the advertising manager of the +Daily Regulator about the amount of display given to one of +his happy thoughts, I also took up the negotiations of +advertisements for the press. + +We discussed and worked out distribution together first in the +drawing-room floor in Gower Street with my aunt sometimes helping +very shrewdly, and then, with a steadily improving type of cigar +and older and older whisky, in his smuggery at their first house, +the one in Beckenham. Often we worked far into the night +sometimes until dawn. + +We really worked infernally hard, and, I recall, we worked with a +very decided enthusiasm, not simply on my uncle's part but mine, +It was a game, an absurd but absurdly interesting game, and the +points were scored in cases of bottles. People think a happy +notion is enough to make a man rich, that fortunes can be made +without toil. It's a dream, as every millionaire (except one or +two lucky gamblers) can testify; I doubt if J.D. Rockefeller in +the early days of Standard Oil, worked harder than we did. We +worked far into the night--and we also worked all day. We made a +rule to be always dropping in at the factory unannounced to keep +things right--for at first we could afford no properly +responsible underlings--and we traveled London, pretending to be +our own representatives and making all sorts of special +arrangements. + +But none of this was my special work, and as soon as we could get +other men in, I dropped the traveling, though my uncle found it +particularly interesting and kept it up for years. "Does me +good, George, to see the chaps behind their counters like I was +once," he explained. My special and distinctive duty was to +give Tono-Bungay substance and an outward and visible bottle, to +translate my uncle's great imaginings into the creation of case +after case of labelled bottles of nonsense, and the punctual +discharge of them by railway, road and steamer towards their +ultimate goal in the Great Stomach of the People. By all modern +standards the business was, as my uncle would say, "absolutely +bona fide." We sold our stuff and got the money, and spent the +money honestly in lies and clamour to sell more stuff. Section +by section we spread it over the whole of the British Isles; +first working the middle-class London suburbs, then the outer +suburbs, then the home counties, then going (with new bills and a +more pious style of "ad") into Wales, a great field always for a +new patent-medicine, and then into Lancashire. + +My uncle had in his inner office a big map of England, and as we +took up fresh sections of the local press and our consignments +invaded new areas, flags for advertisements and pink underlines +for orders showed our progress. + +"The romance of modern commerce, George!" my uncle would say, +rubbing his hands together and drawing in air through his +teeth. "The romance of modern commerce, eh? Conquest. Province +by province. Like sogers." + +We subjugated England and Wales; we rolled over the Cheviots with +a special adaptation containing eleven per cent. of absolute +alcohol; "Tono-Bungay: Thistle Brand." We also had the Fog +poster adapted to a kilted Briton in a misty Highland scene. + +Under the shadow of our great leading line we were presently +taking subsidiary specialties into action; "Tono-Bungay Hair +Stimulant" was our first supplement. Then came "Concentrated +Tono-Bungay" for the eyes. That didn't go, but we had a +considerable success with the Hair Stimulant. We broached the +subject, I remember, in a little catechism beginning: "Why does +the hair fall out? Because the follicles are fagged. What are +the follicles?..." So it went on to the climax that the Hair +Stimulant contained all "The essential principles of that most +reviving tonic, Tono-Bungay, together with an emollient and +nutritious oil derived from crude Neat's Foot Oil by a process of +refinement, separation and deodorization.... It will be manifest +to any one of scientific attainments that in Neat's Foot Oil +derived from the hoofs and horns of beasts, we must necessarily +have a natural skin and hair lubricant." + +And we also did admirable things with our next subsidiaries, +"Tono-Bungay Lozenges," and "Tono-Bungay Chocolate." These we +urged upon the public for their extraordinary nutritive and +recuperative value in cases of fatigue and strain. We gave them +posters and illustrated advertisements showing climbers hanging +from marvelously vertical cliffs, cyclist champions upon the +track, mounted messengers engaged in Aix-to-Ghent rides, soldiers +lying out in action under a hot sun. "You can GO for twenty-four +hours," we declared, "on Tono-Bungay Chocolate." We didn't say +whether you could return on the same commodity. We also showed a +dreadfully barristerish barrister, wig, side-whiskers, teeth, a +horribly life-like portrait of all existing barristers, talking +at a table, and beneath, this legend: "A Four Hours' Speech on +Tono-Bungay Lozenges, and as fresh as when he began." Then +brought in regiments of school-teachers, revivalist ministers, +politicians and the like. I really do believe there was an +element of "kick" in the strychnine in these lozenges, especially +in those made according to our earlier formula. For we altered +all our formulae--invariably weakening them enormously as sales +got ahead. + +In a little while--so it seems to me now--we were employing +travelers and opening up Great Britain at the rate of a hundred +square miles a day. All the organisation throughout was sketched +in a crude, entangled, half-inspired fashion by my uncle, and +all of it had to be worked out into a practicable scheme of +quantities and expenditure by me. We had a lot of trouble +finding our travelers; in the end at least half of them were +Irish-Americans, a wonderful breed for selling medicine. We had +still more trouble over our factory manager, because of the +secrets of the inner room, and in the end we got a very capable +woman, Mrs. Hampton Diggs, who had formerly managed a large +millinery workroom, whom we could trust to keep everything in +good working order without finding out anything that wasn't put +exactly under her loyal and energetic nose. She conceived a high +opinion of Tono-Bungay and took it in all forms and large +quantities so long as I knew her. It didn't seem to do her any +harm. And she kept the girls going quite wonderfully. + +My uncle's last addition to the Tono-Bungay group was the +Tono-Bungay Mouthwash. The reader has probably read a hundred +times that inspiring inquiry of his, "You are Young Yet, but are +you Sure Nothing has Aged your Gums?" + +And after that we took over the agency for three or four good +American lines that worked in with our own, and could be handled +with it; Texan Embrocation, and "23--to clear the system" were +the chief.... + +I set down these bare facts. To me they are all linked with the +figure of my uncle. In some of the old seventeenth and early +eighteenth century prayerbooks at Bladesover there used to be +illustrations with long scrolls coming out of the mouths of the +wood-cut figures. I wish I could write all this last chapter on +a scroll coming out of the head of my uncle, show it all the time +as unfolding and pouring out from a short, fattening, +small-legged man with stiff cropped hair, disobedient glasses on +a perky little nose, and a round stare behind them. I wish I +could show you him breathing hard and a little through his nose +as his pen scrabbled out some absurd inspiration for a poster or +a picture page, and make you hear his voice, charged with solemn +import like the voice of a squeaky prophet, saying, "George! +list'n! I got an ideer. I got a notion! George!" + +I should put myself into the same picture. Best setting for us, +I think, would be the Beckenham snuggery, because there we +worked hardest. It would be the lamplit room of the early +nineties, and the clock upon the mantel would indicate midnight +or later. We would be sitting on either side of the fire, I with +a pipe, my uncle with a cigar or cigarette. There would be +glasses standing inside the brass fender. Our expressions would +be very grave. My uncle used to sit right back in his armchair; +his toes always turned in when he was sitting down and his legs +had a way of looking curved, as though they hadn't bones or +joints but were stuffed with sawdust. + +"George, whad'yer think of T.B. for sea-sickness?" he would +say. + +"No good that I can imagine." + +"Oom! No harm TRYING, George. We can but try." + +I would suck my pipe. "Hard to get at. Unless we sold our stuff +specially at the docks. Might do a special at Cook's office, or +in the Continental Bradshaw." + +"It 'ud give 'em confidence, George." + +He would Zzzz, with his glasses reflecting the red of the glowing +coals. + +"No good hiding our light under a Bushel," he would remark. + +I never really determined whether my uncle regarded Tono-Bungay +as a fraud, or whether he didn't come to believe in it in a kind +of way by the mere reiteration of his own assertions. I think +that his average attitude was one of kindly, almost parental, +toleration. I remember saying on one occasion, "But you don't +suppose this stuff ever did a human being the slightest good +all?" and how his face assumed a look of protest, as of one +reproving harshness and dogmatism. + +"You've a hard nature, George," he said. "You're too ready to +run things down. How can one TELL? How can one venture to +TELL!..." + +I suppose any creative and developing game would have interested +me in those years. At any rate, I know I put as much zeal into +this Tono-Bungay as any young lieutenant could have done who +suddenly found himself in command of a ship. It was +extraordinarily interesting to me to figure out the advantage +accruing from this shortening of the process or that, and to +weigh it against the capital cost of the alteration. I made a +sort of machine for sticking on the labels, that I patented; to +this day there is a little trickle of royalties to me from that. +I also contrived to have our mixture made concentrated, got the +bottles, which all came sliding down a guarded slant-way, nearly +filled with distilled water at one tap, and dripped our magic +ingredients in at the next. This was an immense economy of space +for the inner sanctum. For the bottling we needed special taps, +and these, too, I invented and patented. + +We had a sort of endless band of bottles sliding along an +inclined glass trough made slippery with running water. At one +end a girl held them up to the light, put aside any that were +imperfect and placed the others in the trough; the filling was +automatic; at the other end a girl slipped in the cork and drove +it home with a little mallet. Each tank, the little one for the +vivifying ingredients and the big one for distilled water, had a +level indicator, and inside I had a float arrangement that +stopped the slide whenever either had sunk too low. Another girl +stood ready with my machine to label the corked bottles and hand +them to the three packers, who slipped them into their outer +papers and put them, with a pad of corrugated paper between each +pair, into a little groove from which they could be made to slide +neatly into position in our standard packing-case. It sounds +wild, I know, but I believe I was the first man in the city of +London to pack patent medicines through the side of the +packing-case, to discover there was a better way in than by the +lid. Our cases packed themselves, practically; had only to be +put into position on a little wheeled tray and when full pulled +to the lift that dropped them to the men downstairs, who padded +up the free space and nailed on top and side. Our girls, +moreover, packed with corrugated paper and matchbook-wood box +partitions when everybody else was using expensive young men to +pack through the top of the box with straw, many breakages and +much waste and confusion. + +II + +As I look back at them now, those energetic years seem all +compacted to a year or so; from the days of our first hazardous +beginning in Farringdon Street with barely a thousand pounds' +worth of stuff or credit all told--and that got by something +perilously like snatching--to the days when my uncle went to the +public on behalf of himself and me (one-tenth share) and our +silent partners, the drug wholesalers and the printing people and +the owner of that group of magazines and newspapers, to ask with +honest confidence for L150,000. Those silent partners were +remarkably sorry, I know, that they had not taken larger shares +and given us longer credit when the subscriptions came pouring +in. My uncle had a clear half to play with (including the +one-tenth understood to be mine). + +L150,000--think of it!--for the goodwill in a string of lies and +a trade in bottles of mitigated water! Do you realise the +madness of the world that sanctions such a thing? Perhaps you +don't. At times use and wont certainly blinded me. If it had +not been for Ewart, I don't think I should have had an inkling of +the wonderfulness of this development of my fortunes; I should +have grown accustomed to it, fallen in with all its delusions as +completely as my uncle presently did. He was immensely proud of +the flotation. "They've never been given such value," he said, +"for a dozen years." But Ewart, with his gesticulating hairy +hands and bony wrists, his single-handed chorus to all this as it +played itself over again in my memory, and he kept my fundamental +absurdity illuminated for me during all this astonishing time. + +"It's just on all fours with the rest of things," he remarked; +"only more so. You needn't think you're anything out of the +way." + +I remember one disquisition very distinctly. It was just after +Ewart had been to Paris on a mysterious expedition to "rough in" +some work for a rising American sculptor. This young man had +a commission for an allegorical figure of Truth (draped, of +course) for his State Capitol, and he needed help. Ewart had +returned with his hair cut en brosse and with his costume +completely translated into French. He wore, I remember, a +bicycling suit of purplish-brown, baggy beyond ageing--the only +creditable thing about it was that it had evidently not been made +for him--a voluminous black tie, a decadent soft felt hat and +several French expletives of a sinister description. "Silly +clothes, aren't they?" he said at the sight of my startled eye. +"I don't know why I got'm. They seemed all right over there." + +He had come down to our Raggett Street place to discuss a +benevolent project of mine for a poster by him, and he scattered +remarkable discourse over the heads (I hope it was over the +heads) of our bottlers. + +"What I like about it all, Ponderevo, is its poetry.... That's +where we get the pull of the animals. No animal would ever run a +factory like this. Think!... One remembers the Beaver, of +course. He might very possibly bottle things, but would he stick +a label round 'em and sell 'em? The Beaver is a dreamy fool, +I'll admit, him and his dams, but after all there's a sort of +protection about 'em, a kind of muddy practicality! They prevent +things getting at him. And it's not your poetry only. It's the +poetry of the customer too. Poet answering to poet--soul to +soul. Health, Strength and Beauty--in a bottle--the magic +philtre! Like a fairy tale.... + +"Think of the people to whom your bottles of footle go! (I'm +calling it footle, Ponderevo, out of praise," he said in +parenthesis.) + +"Think of the little clerks and jaded women and overworked +people. People overstrained with wanting to do, people +overstrained with wanting to be.... People, in fact, +overstrained.... The real trouble of life, Ponderevo, isn't that +we exist--that's a vulgar error; the real trouble is that we +DON'T really exist and we want to. That's what this--in the +highest sense--just stands for! The hunger to be--for +once--really alive--to the finger tips!... + +"Nobody wants to do and be the things people are--nobody. YOU +don't want to preside over this--this bottling; I don't want to +wear these beastly clothes and be led about by you; nobody wants +to keep on sticking labels on silly bottles at so many farthings +a gross. That isn't existing! That's--sus--substratum. None of +us want to be what we are, or to do what we do. Except as a sort +of basis. What do we want? You know. I know. Nobody +confesses. What we all want to be is something perpetually young +and beautiful--young Joves--young Joves, Ponderevo" --his voice +became loud, harsh and declamatory--"pursuing coy half-willing +nymphs through everlasting forests."... + +There was a just-perceptible listening hang in the work about us. + +"Come downstairs," I interrupted, "we can talk better there." + +"I can talk better here," he answered. + +He was just going on, but fortunately the implacable face of Mrs. +Hampton Diggs appeared down the aisle of bottling machines. + +"All right," he said, "I'll come." + +In the little sanctum below, my uncle was taking a digestive +pause after his lunch and by no means alert. His presence sent +Ewart back to the theme of modern commerce, over the excellent +cigar my uncle gave him. He behaved with the elaborate deference +due to a business magnate from an unknown man. + +"What I was pointing out to your nephew, sir," said Ewart, +putting both elbows on the table, "was the poetry of commerce. +He doesn't, you know, seem to see it at all." + +My uncle nodded brightly. "Whad I tell 'im," he said round his +cigar. + +"We are artists. You and I, sir, can talk, if you will permit +me, as one artist to another. It's advertisement has--done it. +Advertisement has revolutionised trade and industry; it is going +to revolutionise the world. The old merchant used to tote about +commodities; the new one creates values. Doesn't need to tote. +He takes something that isn't worth anything--or something that +isn't particularly worth anything--and he makes it worth +something. He takes mustard that is just like anybody else's +mustard, and he goes about saying, shouting, singing, chalking on +walls, writing inside people's books, putting it everywhere, +'Smith's Mustard is the Best.' And behold it is the best!" + +"True," said my uncle, chubbily and with a dreamy sense of +mysticism; "true!" + +"It's just like an artist; he takes a lump of white marble on the +verge of a lime-kiln, he chips it about, he makes--he makes a +monument to himself--and others--a monument the world will not +willingly let die. Talking of mustard, sir, I was at Clapham +Junction the other day, and all the banks are overgrown with +horse radish that's got loose from a garden somewhere. You know +what horseradish is--grows like wildfire--spreads --spreads. I +stood at the end of the platform looking at the stuff and +thinking about it. 'Like fame,' I thought, 'rank and wild where +it isn't wanted. Why don't the really good things in life grow +like horseradish?' I thought. My mind went off in a peculiar way +it does from that to the idea that mustard costs a penny a tin--I +bought some the other day for a ham I had. It came into my head +that it would be ripping good business to use horseradish to +adulterate mustard. I had a sort of idea that I could plunge +into business on that, get rich and come back to my own proper +monumental art again. And then I said, 'But why adulterate? I +don't like the idea of adulteration.'" + +"Shabby," said my uncle, nodding his head. "Bound to get found +out!" + +"And totally unnecessary, too! Why not do up a +mixture--three-quarters pounded horseradish and a quarter +mustard--give it a fancy name--and sell it at twice the mustard +price. See? I very nearly started the business straight away, +only something happened. My train came along." + +"Jolly good ideer," said my uncle. He looked at me. "That really +is an ideer, George," he said. + +"Take shavin's, again! You know that poem of Longfellow's, sir, +that sounds exactly like the first declension. What is +it?--'Marr's a maker, men say!'" + +My uncle nodded and gurgled some quotation that died away. + +'Jolly good poem, George," he said in an aside to me. + +"Well, it's about a carpenter and a poetic Victorian child, you +know, and some shavin's. The child made no end out of the +shavin's. So might you. Powder 'em. They might be anything. +Soak 'em in jipper,--Xylo-tobacco! Powder'em and get a little +tar and turpentinous smell in,--wood-packing for hot baths--a +Certain Cure for the scourge of Influenza! There's all these +patent grain foods,--what Americans call cereals. I believe I'm +right, sir, in saying they're sawdust." + +"No!" said my uncle, removing his cigar; "as far as I can find +out it's really grain,--spoilt grain.... I've been going into +that." + +"Well, there you are!" said Ewart. "Say it's spoilt grain. It +carried out my case just as well. Your modern commerce is no +more buying and selling than sculpture. It's mercy--it's +salvation. It's rescue work! It takes all sorts of fallen +commodities by the hand and raises them. Cana isn't in it. You +turn water--into Tono-Bungay." + +"Tono-Bungay's all right," said my uncle, suddenly grave. "We +aren't talking of Tono-Bungay." + +"Your nephew, sir, is hard; he wants everything to go to a sort +of predestinated end; he's a Calvinist of Commerce. Offer him a +dustbin full of stuff; he calls it refuse--passes by on the other +side. Now YOU, sir you'd make cinders respect themselves." + +My uncle regarded him dubiously for a moment. But there was a +touch of appreciation in his eye. + +"Might make 'em into a sort of sanitary brick," he reflected over +his cigar end. + +"Or a friable biscuit. Why NOT? You might advertise: 'Why are +Birds so Bright? Because they digest their food perfectly! Why +do they digest their food so perfectly? Because they have a +gizzard! Why hasn't man a gizzard? Because he can buy +Ponderevo's Asphalt Triturating, Friable Biscuit--Which is +Better.'" + +He delivered the last words in a shout, with his hairy hand +flourished in the air.... + +"Damn clever fellow," said my uncle, after he had one. "I know a +man when I see one. He'd do. But drunk, I should say. But that +only makes some chap brighter . If he WANTS to do that poster, +he can. Zzzz. That ideer of his about the horseradish. There's +something in that, George. I'm going to think over that...." + +I may say at once that my poster project came to nothing in the +end, though Ewart devoted an interesting week to the matter. He +let his unfortunate disposition to irony run away with him. He +produced a picture of two beavers with a subtle likeness, he +said, to myself and my uncle--the likeness to my uncle certainly +wasn't half bad--and they were bottling rows and rows of +Tono-Bungay, with the legend "Modern commerce." It certainly +wouldn't have sold a case, though he urged it on me one cheerful +evening on the ground that it would "arouse curiosity." In +addition he produced a quite shocking study of my uncle, +excessively and needlessly nude, but, so far as I was able to +judge, an admirable likeness, engaged in feats of strength of a +Gargantuan type before an audience of deboshed and shattered +ladies. The legend, "Health, Beauty, Strength," below, gave a +needed point to his parody. This he hung up in the studio over +the oil shop, with a flap of brown paper; by way of a curtain +over it to accentuate its libellous offence. + + +CHAPTER THE FOURTH + +MARION I + +As I look back on those days in which we built up the great +Tono-Bungay property out of human hope and credit for bottles and +rent and printing, I see my life as it were arranged in two +parallel columns of unequal width, a wider, more diffused, +eventful and various one which continually broadens out, the +business side of my life, and a narrow, darker and darkling one +shot ever and again with a gleam of happiness, my home-life with +Marion. For, of course, I married Marion. + +I didn't, as a matter of fact, marry her until a year after +Tono-Bungay was thoroughly afloat, and then only after conflicts +and discussions of a quite strenuous sort. By that time I was +twenty-four. It seems the next thing to childhood now. We were +both in certain directions unusually ignorant and simple; we +were temperamentally antagonistic, and we hadn't--I don't think +we were capable of--an idea in common. She was young and +extraordinarily conventional--she seemed never to have an idea of +her own but always the idea of her class--and I was young and +sceptical, enterprising and passionate; the two links that held +us together were the intense appeal her physical beauty had for +me, and her appreciation of her importance in my thoughts. +There can be no doubt of my passion for her. In her I had +discovered woman desired. The nights I have lain awake on +account of her, writhing, biting my wrists in a fever of longing! +... + +I have told how I got myself a silk hat and black coat to please +her on Sunday--to the derision of some of my fellow-students who +charged to meet me, and how we became engaged. But that was only +the beginning of our difference. To her that meant the beginning +of a not unpleasant little secrecy, an occasional use of verbal +endearments, perhaps even kisses. It was something to go on +indefinitely, interfering in no way with her gossiping spells of +work at Smithie's. To me it was a pledge to come together into +the utmost intimacy of soul and body so soon as we could contrive +it.... + +I don't know if it will strike the reader that I am setting out +to discuss the queer, unwise love relationship and my bungle of a +marriage with excessive solemnity. But to me it seems to reach +out to vastly wider issues than our little personal affair. I've +thought over my life. In these last few years I've tried to get +at least a little wisdom out of it. And in particular I've +thought over this part of my life. I'm enormously impressed by +the ignorant, unguided way in which we two entangled ourselves +with each other. It seems to me the queerest thing in all this +network of misunderstandings and misstatements and faulty and +ramshackle conventions which makes up our social order as the +individual meets it, that we should have come together so +accidentally and so blindly. Because we were no more than +samples of the common fate. Love is not only the cardinal fact +in the individual life, but the most important concern of the +community; after all, the way in which the young people of this +generation pair off determines the fate of the nation; all the +other affairs of the State are subsidiary to that. And we leave +it to flushed and blundering youth to stumble on its own +significance, with nothing to guide in but shocked looks and +sentimental twaddle and base whisperings and cant-smeared +examples. + +I have tried to indicate something of my own sexual development +in the preceding chapter. Nobody was ever frank and decent with +me in this relation; nobody, no book, ever came and said to me +thus and thus is the world made, and so and so is necessary. +Everything came obscurely, indefinitely, perplexingly; and all I +knew of law or convention in the matter had the form of +threatenings and prohibitions. Except through the furtive, +shameful talk of my coevals at Goudhurst and Wimblehurst, I was +not even warned against quite horrible dangers. My ideas were +made partly of instinct, partly of a romantic imagination, partly +woven out of a medley of scraps of suggestion that came to me +haphazard. I had read widely and confusedly "Vathek," Shelley, +Tom Paine, Plutarch, Carlyle, Haeckel, William Morris, the Bible, +the Freethinker, the Clarion, "The Woman Who Did,"--I +mention the ingredients that come first to mind. All sorts of +ideas were jumbled up in me and never a lucid explanation. But +it was evident to me that the world regarded Shelley, for +example, as a very heroic as well as beautiful person; and that +to defy convention and succumb magnificently to passion was the +proper thing to do to gain the respect and affection of all +decent people. + +And the make-up of Marion's mind in the matter was an equally +irrational affair. Her training had been one, not simply of +silences, but suppressions. An enormous force of suggestion had +so shaped her that the intense natural fastidiousness of girlhood +had developed into an absolute perversion of instinct. For all +that is cardinal in this essential business of life she had one +inseparable epithet--"horrid." Without any such training she +would have been a shy lover, but now she was an impossible one. +For the rest she had derived, I suppose, partly from the sort of +fiction she got from the Public Library, and partly from the +workroom talk at Smithie's. So far as the former origin went, +she had an idea of love as a state of worship and service on the +part of the man and of condescension on the part of the woman. +There was nothing "horrid" about it in any fiction she had read. +The man gave presents, did services, sought to be in every way +delightful. The woman "went out" with him, smiled at him, was +kissed by him in decorous secrecy, and if he chanced to offend, +denied her countenance and presence. Usually she did something +"for his good" to him, made him go to church, made him give up +smoking or gambling, smartened him up. Quite at the end of the +story came a marriage, and after that the interest ceased. + +That was the tenor of Marion's fiction; but I think the +work-table conversation at Smithie's did something to modify +that. At Smithie's it was recognised, I think, that a "fellow" +was a possession to be desired; that it was better to be engaged +to a fellow than not; that fellows had to be kept--they might be +mislaid, they might even be stolen. There was a case of stealing +at Smithie's, and many tears. + +Smithie I met before we were married, and afterwards she became a +frequent visitor to our house at Ealing. She was a thin, +bright-eyed, hawk-nosed girl of thirtyodd, with prominent +teeth, a high-pitched, eager voice and a disposition to be +urgently smart in her dress. Her hats were startling and +various, but invariably disconcerting, and she talked in a +rapid, nervous flow that was hilarious rather than witty, and +broken by little screams of "Oh, my dear!" and "you never did!" +She was the first woman I ever met who used scent. Poor old +Smithie! What a harmless, kindly soul she really was, and how +heartily I detested her! Out of the profits on the Persian robes +she supported a sister's family of three children, she "helped" a +worthless brother, and overflowed in help even to her workgirls, +but that didn't weigh with me in those youthfully-narrow times. +It was one of the intense minor irritations of my married life +that Smithie's whirlwind chatter seemed to me to have far more +influence with Marion than anything I had to say. Before all +things I coveted her grip upon Marion's inaccessible mind. + +In the workroom at Smithie's, I gathered, they always spoke of me +demurely as "A Certain Person." I was rumoured to be dreadfully +"clever," and there were doubts--not altogether without +justification--of the sweetness of my temper. + +II + +Well, these general explanations will enable the reader to +understand the distressful times we two had together when +presently I began to feel on a footing with Marion and to fumble +conversationally for the mind and the wonderful passion I felt, +obstinately and stupidity, must be in her. I think she thought +me the maddest of sane men; "clever," in fact, which at Smithie's +was, I suppose, the next thing to insanity, a word intimating +incomprehensible and incalculable motives.... She could be +shocked at anything, she misunderstood everything, and her weapon +was a sulky silence that knitted her brows, spoilt her mouth and +robbed her face of beauty. "Well, if we can't agree, I don't see +why you should go on talking," she used to say. That would +always enrage me beyond measure. Or, "I'm afraid I'm not clever +enough to understand that." + +Silly little people! I see it all now, but then I was no older +than she and I couldn't see anything but that Marion, for some +inexplicable reason, wouldn't come alive. + +We would contrive semi-surreptitious walks on Sunday, and part +speechless with the anger of indefinable offences. Poor Marion! +The things I tried to put before her, my fermenting ideas about +theology, about Socialism, about aesthetics--the very words +appalled her, gave her the faint chill of approaching +impropriety, the terror of a very present intellectual +impossibility. Then by an enormous effort I would suppress +myself for a time and continue a talk that made her happy, about +Smithie's brother, about the new girl who had come to the +workroom, about the house we would presently live in. But +there we differed a little. I wanted to be accessible to St. +Paul's or Cannon Street Station, and she had set her mind quite +resolutely upon Eating.... It wasn't by any means quarreling all +the time, you understand. She liked me to play the lover +"nicely"; she liked the effect of going about--we had lunches, we +went to Earl's Court, to Kew, to theatres and concerts, but not +often to concerts, because, though Marion "liked" music, she +didn't like "too much of it," to picture shows--and there was a +nonsensical sort of babytalk I picked up--I forget where +now--that became a mighty peacemaker. + +Her worst offence for me was an occasional excursion into the +Smithie style of dressing, debased West Kensington. For she had +no sense at all of her own beauty. She had no comprehension +whatever of beauty of the body, and she could slash her beautiful +lines to rags with hat-brims and trimmings. Thank Heaven! a +natural refinement, a natural timidity, and her extremely +slender purse kept her from the real Smithie efflorescence! +Poor, simple, beautiful, kindly limited Marion! Now that I am +forty-five, I can look back at her with all my old admiration +and none of my old bitterness with a new affection and not a +scrap of passion, and take her part against the equally stupid, +drivingly-energetic, sensuous, intellectual sprawl I used to be. +I was a young beast for her to have married--a hound beast. With +her it was my business to understand and control--and I exacted +fellowship, passion.... + +We became engaged, as I have told; we broke it off and joined +again. We went through a succession of such phases. We had no +sort of idea what was wrong with us. Presently we were formally +engaged. I had a wonderful interview with her father, in which +he was stupendously grave and H--less, wanted to know about my +origins and was tolerant (exasperatingly tolerant) because my +mother was a servant, and afterwards her mother took to kissing +me, and I bought a ring. But the speechless aunt, I gathered, +didn't approve--having doubts of my religiosity. Whenever we +were estranged we could keep apart for days; and to begin with, +every such separation was a relief. And then I would want her; a +restless longing would come upon me. I would think of the flow +of her arms, of the soft, gracious bend of her body. I would lie +awake or dream of a transfigured Marion of light and fire. It +was indeed Dame Nature driving me on to womankind in her stupid, +inexorable way; but I thought it was the need of Marion that +troubled me. So I always went back to Marion at last and made it +up and more or less conceded or ignored whatever thing had parted +us, and more and more I urged her to marry me.... + +In the long run that became a fixed idea. It entangled my will +and my pride; I told myself I was not going to be beaten. I +hardened to the business. I think, as a matter of fact, my real +passion for Marion had waned enormously long before we were +married, that she had lived it down by sheer irresponsiveness. +When I felt sure of my three hundred a year she stipulated for +delay, twelve months' delay, "to see how things would turn out." +There were times when she seemed simply an antagonist holding out +irritatingly against something I had to settle. Moreover, I +began to be greatly distracted by the interest and excitement of +Tono-Bungay's success, by the change and movement in things, the +going to and fro. I would forget her for days together, and then +desire her with an irritating intensity at last, one Saturday +afternoon, after a brooding morning, I determined almost savagely +that these delays must end. + +I went off to the little home at Walham Green, and made Marion +come with me to Putney Common. Marion wasn't at home when I got +there and I had to fret for a time and talk to her father, who +was just back from his office, he explained, and enjoying himself +in his own way in the greenhouse. + +"I'm going to ask your daughter to marry me!" I said. "I think +we've been waiting long enough." + +"I don't approve of long engagements either," said her father. +"But Marion will have her own way about it, anyhow. Seen this +new powdered fertiliser?" + +I went in to talk to Mrs. Ramboat. "She'll want time to get her +things," said Mrs. Ramboat.... + +I and Marion sat down together on a little seat under some trees +at the top of Putney Hill, and I came to my point abruptly. + +"Look here, Marion," I said, "are you going to marry me or are +you not?" + +She smiled at me. "Well," she said, "we're engaged--aren't we?" + +"That can't go on for ever. Will you marry me next week?" + +She looked me in the face. "We can't," she said. + +"You promised to marry me when I had three hundred a year." + +She was silent for a space. "Can't we go on for a time as we +are? We COULD marry on three hundred a year. But it means a +very little house. There's Smithie's brother. They manage on +two hundred and fifty, but that's very little. She says they +have a semi-detached house almost on the road, and hardly a bit +of garden. And the wall to next-door is so thin they hear +everything. When her baby cries--they rap. And people stand +against the railings and talk.... Can't we wait? You're doing so +well." + +An extraordinary bitterness possessed me at this invasion of the +stupendous beautiful business of love by sordid necessity. I +answered her with immense restraint. + +"If," I said, "we could have a double-fronted, detached +house--at Ealing, say--with a square patch of lawn in front and a +garden behind--and--and a tiled bathroom" + +"That would be sixty pounds a year at least." + +"Which means five hundred a year.... Yes, well, you see, I told +my uncle I wanted that, and I've got it." + +"Got what?" + +"Five hundred pounds a year." + +"Five hundred pounds!" + +I burst into laughter that had more than a taste of bitterness. + +"Yes," I said, "really! and NOW what do you think?" + +"Yes," she said, a little flushed; "but be sensible! Do you +really mean you've got a Rise, all at once, of two hundred a +year?" + +"To marry on--yes." + +She scrutinised me a moment. "You've done this as a surprise!" +she said, and laughed at my laughter. She had become radiant, +and that made me radiant, too. + +"Yes," I said, "yes," and laughed no longer bitterly. + +She clasped her hands and looked me in the eyes. + +She was so pleased that I forgot absolutely my disgust of a +moment before. I forgot that she had raised her price two +hundred pounds a year and that I had bought her at that. + +"Come!" I said, standing up; "let's go towards the sunset, dear, +and talk about it all. Do you know--this is a most beautiful +world, an amazingly beautiful world, and when the sunset falls +upon you it makes you into shining gold. No, not gold--into +golden glass.... Into something better that either glass or +gold."... + +And for all that evening I wooed her and kept her glad. She made +me repeat my assurances over again and still doubted a little. + +We furnished that double-fronted house from attic--it ran to an +attic--to cellar, and created a garden. + +"Do you know Pampas Grass?" said Marion. "I love Pampas Grass... +if there is room." + +"You shall have Pampas Grass," I declared. And there were +moments as we went in imagination about that house together, when +my whole being cried out to take her in my arms--now. But I +refrained. On that aspect of life I touched very lightly in that +talk, very lightly because I had had my lessons. She promised to +marry me within two months' time. Shyly, reluctantly, she named +a day, and next afternoon, in heat and wrath, we "broke it off" +again for the last time. We split upon procedure. I refused +flatly to have a normal wedding with wedding cake, in white +favours, carriages and the rest of it. It dawned upon me +suddenly in conversation with her and her mother, that this was +implied. I blurted out my objection forthwith, and this time it +wasn't any ordinary difference of opinion; it was a "row." I +don't remember a quarter of the things we flung out in that +dispute. I remember her mother reiterating in tones of gentle +remonstrance: "But, George dear, you must have a cake--to send +home." I think we all reiterated things. I seem to remember a +refrain of my own: "A marriage is too sacred a thing, too private +a thing, for this display. Her father came in and stood behind +me against the wall, and her aunt appeared beside the sideboard +and stood with arms, looking from speaker to speaker, a sternly +gratified prophetess. It didn't occur to me then! How painful +it was to Marion for these people to witness my rebellion. + +"But, George," said her father, "what sort of marriage do you +want? You don't want to go to one of those there registry +offices?" + +"That's exactly what I'd like to do. Marriage is too private a +thing--" + +"I shouldn't feel married," said Mrs. Ramboat. + +"Look here, Marion," I said; "we are going to be married at a +registry office. I don't believe in all these fripperies and +superstitions, and I won't submit to them. I've agreed to all +sorts of things to please you." + +"What's he agreed to?" said her father--unheeded. + +"I can't marry at a registry office," said Marion, sallow-white. + +"Very well," I said. "I'll marry nowhere else." + +"I can't marry at a registry office." + +"Very well," I said, standing up, white and tense and it amazed +me, but I was also exultant; "then we won't marry at all." + +She leant forward over the table, staring blankly. But presently +her half-averted face began to haunt me as she had sat at the +table, and her arm and the long droop of her shoulder. + +III + +The next day I did an unexampled thing. I sent a telegram to my +uncle, "Bad temper not coming to business," and set off for +Highgate and Ewart. He was actually at work--on a bust of +Millie, and seemed very glad for any interruption. + +"Ewart, you old Fool," I said, "knock off and come for a day's +gossip. I'm rotten. There's a sympathetic sort of lunacy about +you. Let's go to Staines and paddle up to Windsor." + +"Girl?" said Ewart, putting down a chisel. + +"Yes." + +That was all I told him of my affair. + +"I've got no money," he remarked, to clear up ambiguity in my +invitation. + +We got a jar of shandy-gaff, some food, and, on Ewart's +suggestion, two Japanese sunshades in Staines; we demanded extra +cushions at the boathouse and we spent an enormously soothing day +in discourse and meditation, our boat moored in a shady place +this side of Windsor. I seem to remember Ewart with a cushion +forward, only his heels and sunshade and some black ends of hair +showing, a voice and no more, against the shining, +smoothly-streaming mirror of the trees and bushes. + +"It's not worth it," was the burthen of the voice. "You'd better +get yourself a Millie, Ponderevo, and then you wouldn't feel so +upset." + +"No," I said decidedly, "that's not my way." + +A thread of smoke ascended from Ewart for a while, like smoke +from an altar. + +"Everything's a muddle, and you think it isn't. Nobody knows +where we are--because, as a matter of fact we aren't anywhere. +Are women property--or are they fellow-creatures? Or a sort of +proprietary goddesses? They're so obviously fellow-creatures. +You believe in the goddess?" + +"No," I said, "that's not my idea." + +"What is your idea?" + +"Well" + +"H'm," said Ewart, in my pause. + +"My idea," I said, "is to meet one person who will belong to +me--to whom I shall belong--body and soul. No half-gods! Wait +till she comes. If she comes at all.... We must come to each +other young and pure." + +"There's no such thing as a pure person or an impure person.... +Mixed to begin with." + +This was so manifestly true that it silenced me altogether. + +"And if you belong to her and she to you, Ponderevo--which end's +the head?" + +I made no answer except an impatient "oh!" + +For a time we smoked in silence.... + +"Did I tell you, Ponderevo, of a wonderful discovery I've made?" +Ewart began presently. + +"No," I said, "what is it?" + +"There's no Mrs. Grundy." + +"No?" + +"No! Practically not. I've just thought all that business out. +She's merely an instrument, Ponderevo. She's borne the blame. +Grundy's a man. Grundy unmasked. Rather lean and out of sorts. +Early middle age. With bunchy black whiskers and a worried eye. +Been good so far, and it's fretting him! Moods! There's Grundy +in a state of sexual panic, for example,--'For God's sake cover +it up! They get together--they get together! It's too exciting! +The most dreadful things are happening!' Rushing about--long +arms going like a windmill. 'They must be kept apart!' Starts +out for an absolute obliteration of everything absolute +separations. One side of the road for men, and the other for +women, and a hoarding--without posters between them. Every boy +and girl to be sewed up in a sack and sealed, just the head and +hands and feet out until twenty-one. Music abolished, calico +garments for the lower animals! Sparrows to be +suppressed--ab-so-lutely." + +I laughed abruptly. + +"Well, that's Mr. Grundy in one mood--and it puts Mrs. +Grundy--She's a much-maligned person, Ponderevo--a rake at +heart--and it puts her in a most painful state of fluster--most +painful! She's an amenable creature. When Grundy tells her +things are shocking, she's shocked--pink and breathless. She +goes about trying to conceal her profound sense of guilt behind a +haughty expression.... + +"Grundy, meanwhile, is in a state of complete whirlabout. Long +lean knuckly hands pointing and gesticulating! 'They're still +thinking of things--thinking of things! It's dreadful. They get +it out of books. I can't imagine where they get it! I must +watch! There're people over there whispering! Nobody ought to +whisper!--There's something suggestive in the mere act! Then, +pictures! In the museum--things too dreadful for words. Why +can't we have pure art--with the anatomy all wrong and pure and +nice--and pure fiction pure poetry, instead of all this stuff +with allusions--allusions?... Excuse me! There's something up +behind that locked door! The keyhole! In the interests of +public morality--yes, Sir, as a pure good man--I insist--I'LL +look--it won't hurt me--I insist on looking my duty--M'm'm--the +keyhole!'" + +He kicked his legs about extravagantly, and I laughed again. + +"That's Grundy in one mood, Ponderevo. It isn't Mrs. Grundy. +That's one of the lies we tell about women. They're too simple. +Simple! Woman ARE simple! They take on just what men tell 'em." + +Ewart meditated for a space. "Just exactly as it's put to them," +he said, and resumed the moods of Mr. Grundy. + +"Then you get old Grundy in another mood. Ever caught him +nosing, Ponderevo? Mad with the idea of mysterious, unknown, +wicked, delicious things. Things that aren't respectable. Wow! +Things he mustn't do!... Any one who knows about these things, +knows there's just as much mystery and deliciousness about +Grundy's forbidden things as there is about eating ham. Jolly +nice if it's a bright morning and you're well and hungry and +having breakfast in the open air. Jolly unattractive if you're +off colour. But Grundy's covered it all up and hidden it and put +mucky shades and covers over it until he's forgotten it. Begins +to fester round it in his mind. Has dreadful struggles--with +himself about impure thoughts.... Then you set Grundy with hot +ears,--curious in undertones. Grundy on the loose, Grundy in a +hoarse whisper and with furtive eyes and convulsive +movements--making things indecent. Evolving--in dense +vapours--indecency! + +"Grundy sins. Oh, yes, he's a hypocrite. Sneaks round a corner +and sins ugly. It's Grundy and his dark corners that make vice, +vice! We artists--we have no vices. + +"And then he's frantic with repentance. And wants to be cruel to +fallen women and decent harmless sculptors of the simple +nude--like me--and so back to his panic again." + +"Mrs. Grundy, I suppose, doesn't know he sins," I remarked. + +"No? I'm not so sure.... But, bless her heart she's a woman.... +She's a woman. Then again you get Grundy with a large greasy +smile--like an accident to a butter tub--all over his face, being +Liberal Minded--Grundy in his Anti-Puritan moments, 'trying not +to see Harm in it'--Grundy the friend of innocent pleasure. He +makes you sick with the Harm he's trying not to see in it... + +"And that's why everything's wrong, Ponderevo. Grundy, damn him! +stands in the light, and we young people can't see. His moods +affect us. We catch his gusts of panic, his disease of nosing, +his greasiness. We don't know what we may think, what we may +say, he does his silly utmost to prevent our reading and seeing +the one thing, the one sort of discussion we find--quite +naturally and properly--supremely interesting. So we don't +adolescence; we blunder up to sex. Dare--dare to look--and he +may dirt you for ever! The girls are terror-stricken to silence +by his significant whiskers, by the bleary something in his +eyes." + +Suddenly Ewart, with an almost Jack-in-the-box effect, sat up. + +"He's about us everywhere, Ponderevo," he said, very solemnly. +"Sometimes--sometimes I think he is--in our blood. In MINE." + +He regarded me for my opinion very earnestly, with his pipe in +the corner of his mouth. + +"You're the remotest cousin he ever had," I said. + +I reflected. "Look here, Ewart," I asked, "how would you have +things different?" + +He wrinkled up his queer face, regarded the wait and made his +pipe gurgle for a space, thinking deeply. + +"There are complications, I admit. We've grown up under the +terror of Grundy and that innocent but docile +and--yes--formidable lady, his wife. I don't know how far the +complications aren't a disease, a sort of bleaching under the +Grundy shadow.... It is possible there are things I have still +to learn about women.... Man has eaten of the Tree of Knowledge. +His innocence is gone. You can't have your cake and eat it. +We're in for knowledge; let's have it plain and straight. I +should begin, I think, by abolishing the ideas of decency and +indecency...." + +"Grundy would have fits!" I injected. + +"Grundy, Ponderevo, would have cold douches--publicly--if the +sight was not too painful--three times a day.... But I don't +think, mind you, that I should let the sexes run about together. +No. The fact behind the sexes--is sex. It's no good humbugging. +It trails about--even in the best mixed company. Tugs at your +ankle. The men get showing off and quarrelling--and the women. +Or they're bored. I suppose the ancestral males have competed +for the ancestral females ever since they were both some sort of +grubby little reptile. You aren't going to alter that in a +thousand years or so.... Never should you have a mixed company, +never--except with only one man or only one woman. How would +that be?... + +"Or duets only?... + +"How to manage it? Some rule of etiquette, perhaps."... He +became portentously grave. + +Then his long hand went out in weird gestures. + +"I seem to see--I seem to see--a sort of City of Women, +Ponderevo. Yes.... A walled enclosure--good stone-mason's +work--a city wall, high as the walls of Rome, going about a +garden. Dozens of square miles of garden--trees--fountains-- +arbours--lakes. Lawns on which the women play, avenues in which +they gossip, boats.... Women like that sort of thing. Any woman +who's been to a good eventful girls' school lives on the memory +of it for the rest of her life. It's one of the pathetic things +about women--the superiority of school and college--to anything +they get afterwards. And this city-garden of women will have +beautiful places for music, places for beautiful dresses, places +for beautiful work. Everything a woman can want. Nurseries. +Kindergartens. Schools. And no man--except to do rough work, +perhaps--ever comes in. The men live in a world where they can +hunt and engineer, invent and mine and manufacture, sail ships, +drink deep and practice the arts, and fight--" + +"Yes," I said, "but--" + +He stilled me with a gesture. + +"I'm coming to that. The homes of the women, Ponderevo, will be +set in the wall of their city; each woman will have her own +particular house and home, furnished after her own heart in her +own manner--with a little balcony on the outside wall. Built +into the wall--and a little balcony. And there she will go and +look out, when the mood takes her, and all round the city there +will be a broad road and seats and great shady trees. And men +will stroll up and down there when they feel the need of feminine +company; when, for instance, they want to talk about their souls +or their characters or any of the things that only women will +stand.... The women will lean over and look at the men and smile +and talk to them as they fancy. And each woman will have this; +she will have a little silken ladder she can let down if she +chooses--if she "wants to talk closer..." + +"The men would still be competing." + +"There perhaps--yes. But they'd have to abide by the women's +decisions." + +I raised one or two difficulties, and for a while we played with +this idea. + +"Ewart," I said, "this is like Doll's Island. + +"Suppose," I reflected, "an unsuccessful man laid siege to a +balcony and wouldn't let his rival come near it?" + +"Move him on," said Ewart, "by a special regulation. As one does +organ-grinders. No difficulty about that. And you could forbid +it--make it against the etiquette. No life is decent without +etiquette.... And people obey etiquette sooner than laws..." + +"H'm," I said, and was struck by an idea that is remote in the +world of a young man. "How about children?" I asked; "in the +City? Girls are all very well. But boys, for example--grow up." + +"Ah!" said Ewart. "Yes. I forgot. They mustn't grow up +inside.... They'd turn out the boys when they were seven. The +father must come with a little pony and a little gun and manly +wear, and take the boy away. Then one could come afterwards to +one's mother's balcony.... It must be fine to have a mother. +The father and the son..." + +"This is all very pretty in its way," I said at last, "but it's a +dream. Let's come back to reality. What I want to know is, what +are you going to do in Brompton, let us say, or Walham Green +NOW?" + +"Oh! damn it!" he remarked, "Walham Green! What a chap you are, +Ponderevo!" and he made an abrupt end to his discourse. He +wouldn't even reply to my tentatives for a time. + +"While I was talking just now," he remarked presently, + +"I had a quite different idea." + +"What?" + +"For a masterpiece. A series. Like the busts of the Caesars. +Only not heads, you know. We don't see the people who do things +to us nowadays..." + +"How will you do it, then?" + +"Hands--a series of hands! The hands of the Twentieth Century. +I'll do it. Some day some one will discover it--go there--see +what I have done, and what is meant by it." + +"See it where?" + +"On the tombs. Why not? The Unknown Master of the Highgate +Slope! All the little, soft feminine hands, the nervous ugly +males, the hands of the flops, and the hands of the snatchers! +And Grundy's loose, lean, knuckly affair--Grundy the terror!--the +little wrinkles and the thumb! Only it ought to hold all the +others together--in a slightly disturbing squeeze....Like +Rodin's great Hand--you know the thing!" + +IV + +I forget how many days intervened between that last breaking off +of our engagement and Marion's surrender. But I recall now the +sharpness of my emotion, the concentrated spirit of tears and +laughter in my throat as I read the words of her unexpected +letter--"I have thought over everything, and I was selfish...." +I rushed off to Walham Green that evening to give back all she +had given me, to beat her altogether at giving. She was +extraordinarily gentle and generous that time, I remember, and +when at last I left her, she kissed me very sweetly. + +So we were married. + +We were married with all the customary incongruity. I +gave--perhaps after a while not altogether ungrudgingly--and +what I gave, Marion took, with a manifest satisfaction. After +all, I was being sensible. So that we had three livery carriages +to the church (one of the pairs of horses matched) and +coachmen--with improvised flavour and very shabby silk +hats--bearing white favours on their whips, and my uncle +intervened with splendour and insisted upon having a wedding +breakfast sent in from a caterer's in Hammersmith. The table had +a great display of chrysanthemums, and there was orange blossom +in the significant place and a wonderful cake. We also +circulated upwards of a score of wedges of that accompanied by +silver-printed cards in which Marion's name of Ramboat was +stricken out by an arrow in favour of Ponderevo. We had a little +rally of Marion's relations, and several friends and friends' +friends from Smithie's appeared in the church and drifted +vestry-ward. I produced my aunt and uncle a select group of +two. The effect in that shabby little house was one of +exhilarating congestion. The side-board, in which lived the +table-cloth and the "Apartments" card, was used for a display of +the presents, eked out by the unused balance of the +silver-printed cards. + +Marion wore the white raiment of a bride, white silk and satin, +that did not suit her, that made her seem large and strange to +me; she obtruded bows and unfamiliar contours. She went through +all this strange ritual of an English wedding with a sacramental +gravity that I was altogether too young and egotistical to +comprehend. It was all extraordinarily central and important to +her; it was no more than an offensive, complicated, and +disconcerting intrusion of a world I was already beginning to +criticise very bitterly, to me. What was all this fuss for? The +mere indecent advertisement that I had been passionately in love +with Marion! I think, however, that Marion was only very +remotely aware of my smouldering exasperation at having in the +end behaved "nicely." I had played--up to the extent of dressing +my part; I had an admirably cut frock--coat, a new silk hat, +trousers as light as I could endure them--lighter, in fact--a +white waistcoat, night tie, light gloves. Marion, seeing me +despondent had the unusual enterprise to whisper to me that I +looked lovely; I knew too well I didn't look myself. I looked +like a special coloured supplement to Men's Wear, or The Tailor +and Cutter, Full Dress For Ceremonial Occasions. I had even the +disconcerting sensations of an unfamiliar collar. I felt +lost--in a strange body, and when I glanced down myself for +reassurance, the straight white abdomen, the alien legs confirmed +that impression. + +My uncle was my best man, and looked like a banker--a little +banker--in flower. He wore a white rose in his buttonhole. He +wasn't, I think, particularly talkative. At least I recall very +little from him. + +"George" he said once or twice, "this is a great occasion for +you--a very great occasion." He spoke a little doubtfully. + +You see I had told him nothing about Marion until about a week +before the wedding; both he and my aunt had been taken altogether +by surprise. They couldn't, as people say, "make it out." My +aunt was intensely interested, much more than my uncle; it was +then, I think, for the first time that I really saw that she +cared for me. She got me alone, I remember, after I had made my +announcement. "Now, George," she said, "tell me everything about +her. Why didn't you tell--ME at least--before?" + +I was surprised to find how difficult it was to tell her about +Marion. I perplexed her. + +"Then is she beautiful?" she asked at last. + +"I don't know what you'll think of her," I parried. "I think--" + +"Yes?" + +"I think she might be the most beautiful person in the world." + +"And isn't she? To you?" + +"Of course," I said, nodding my head. "Yes. She IS..." + +And while I don't remember anything my uncle said or did at the +wedding, I do remember very distinctly certain little things, +scrutiny, solicitude, a curious rare flash of intimacy in my +aunt's eyes. It dawned on me that I wasn't hiding anything from +her at all. She was dressed very smartly, wearing a big-plumed +hat that made her neck seem longer and slenderer than ever, and +when she walked up the aisle with that rolling stride of hers and +her eye all on Marion, perplexed into self-forgetfulness, it +wasn't somehow funny. She was, I do believe, giving my marriage +more thought than I had done, she was concerned beyond measure at +my black rage and Marion's blindness, she was looking with eyes +that knew what loving is--for love. + +In the vestry she turned away as we signed, and I verily believe +she was crying, though to this day I can't say why she should +have cried, and she was near crying too when she squeezed my hand +at parting--and she never said a word or looked at me, but just +squeezed my hand.... + +If I had not been so grim in spirit, I think I should have found +much of my wedding amusing. I remember a lot of ridiculous +detail that still declines to be funny in my memory. The +officiating clergyman had a cold, and turned his "n's" to "d's," +and he made the most mechanical compliment conceivable about the +bride's age when the register was signed. Every bride he had +ever married had had it, one knew. And two middle-aged +spinsters, cousins of Marion's and dressmakers at Barking, stand +out. They wore marvellously bright and gay blouses and dim old +skirts, and had an immense respect for Mr. Ramboat. They threw +rice; they brought a whole bag with them and gave handfuls away +to unknown little boys at the church door and so created a +Lilliputian riot; and one had meant to throw a slipper. It was a +very warm old silk slipper, I know, because she dropped it out of +a pocket in the aisle--there was a sort of jumble in the +aisle--and I picked it up for her. I don't think she actually +threw it, for as we drove away from the church I saw her in a +dreadful, and, it seemed to me, hopeless, struggle with her +pocket; and afterwards my eye caught the missile of good fortune +lying, it or its fellow, most obviously mislaid, behind the +umbrella-stand in the hall.... + +The whole business was much more absurd, more incoherent, more +human than I had anticipated, but I was far too young and serious +to let the latter quality atone for its shortcomings. I am so +remote from this phase of my youth that I can look back at it all +as dispassionately as one looks at a picture--at some wonderful, +perfect sort of picture that is inexhaustible; but at the time +these things filled me with unspeakable resentment. Now I go +round it all, look into its details, generalise about its +aspects. I'm interested, for example, to square it with my +Bladesover theory of the British social scheme. Under stress of +tradition we were all of us trying in the fermenting chaos of +London to carry out the marriage ceremonies of a Bladesover +tenant or one of the chubby middling sort of people in some +dependent country town. There a marriage is a public function +with a public significance. There the church is to a large +extent the gathering-place of the community, and your going to +be married a thing of importance to every one you pass on the +road. It is a change of status that quite legitimately interests +the whole neighbourhood. But in London there are no neighbours, +nobody knows, nobody cares. An absolute stranger in an office +took my notice, and our banns were proclaimed to ears that had +never previously heard our names. The clergyman, even, who +married us had never seen us before, and didn't in any degree +intimate that he wanted to see us again. + +Neighbours in London! The Ramboats did not know the names of the +people on either side of them. As I waited for Marion before we +started off upon our honeymoon flight, Mr. Ramboat, I remember, +came and stood beside me and stared out of the window. + +"There was a funeral over there yesterday," he said, by way of +making conversation, and moved his head at the house opposite. +"Quite a smart affair it was with a glass 'earse...." + +And our little procession of three carriages with +white-favour-adorned horses and drivers, went through all the +huge, noisy, indifferent traffic like a lost china image in the +coal-chute of an ironclad. Nobody made way for us, nobody cared +for us; the driver of an omnibus jeered; for a long time we +crawled behind an unamiable dust-cart. The irrelevant clatter +and tumult gave a queer flavour of indecency to this public +coming together of lovers. We seemed to have obtruded ourselves + +shamelessly. The crowd that gathered outside the church would +have gathered in the same spirit and with greater alacrity for a +street accident.... + +At Charing Cross--we were going to Hastings--the experienced eye +of the guard detected the significance of our unusual costume +and he secured us a compartment. + +"Well," said I, as the train moved out of the station, "That's +all over!" And I turned to Marion--a little unfamiliar still, in +her unfamiliar clothes--and smiled. + +She regarded me gravely, timidly. + +"You're not cross?" she asked. + +"Cross! Why?" + +"At having it all proper." + +"My dear Marion!" said I, and by way of answer took and kissed +her white-gloved, leather-scented hand.... + +I don't remember much else about the journey, an hour or so it +was of undistinguished time--for we were both confused and a +little fatigued and Marion had a slight headache and did not want +caresses. I fell into a reverie about my aunt, and realised as +if it were a new discovery, that I cared for her very greatly. I +was acutely sorry I had not told her earlier of my marriage. + +But you will not want to hear the history of my honeymoon. I +have told all that was needed to serve my present purpose. Thus +and thus it was the Will in things had its way with me. Driven +by forces I did not understand, diverted altogether from the +science, the curiosities and work to which I had once given +myself, I fought my way through a tangle of traditions, customs, +obstacles and absurdities, enraged myself, limited myself, gave +myself to occupations I saw with the clearest vision were +dishonourable and vain, and at last achieved the end of purblind +Nature, the relentless immediacy of her desire, and held, far +short of happiness, Marion weeping and reluctant in my arms. + +V + +Who can tell the story of the slow estrangement of two married +people, the weakening of first this bond and then that of that +complex contact? Least of all can one of the two participants. +Even now, with an interval of fifteen years to clear it up for +me, I still find a mass of impressions of Marion as confused, as +discordant, as unsystematic and self-contradictory as life. I +think of this thing and love her, of that and hate her--of a +hundred aspects in which I can now see her with an unimpassioned +sympathy. As I sit here trying to render some vision of this +infinitely confused process, I recall moments of hard and fierce +estrangement, moments of clouded intimacy, the passage of +transition all forgotten. We talked a little language together +whence were "friends," and I was "Mutney" and she was "Ming," and +we kept up such an outward show that till the very end Smithie +thought our household the most amiable in the world. + +I cannot tell to the full how Marion thwarted me and failed in +that life of intimate emotions which is the kernel of love. That +life of intimate emotions is made up of little things. A +beautiful face differs from an ugly one by a difference of +surfaces and proportions that are sometimes almost +infinitesimally small. I find myself setting down little things +and little things; none of them do more than demonstrate those +essential temperamental discords I have already sought to make +clear. Some readers will understand--to others I shall seem no +more than an unfeeling brute who couldn't make allowances.... +It's easy to make allowances now; but to be young and ardent and +to make allowances, to see one's married life open before one, +the life that seemed in its dawn a glory, a garden of roses, a +place of deep sweet mysteries and heart throbs and wonderful +silences, and to see it a vista of tolerations and baby-talk; a +compromise, the least effectual thing in all one's life. + +Every love romance I read seemed to mock our dull intercourse, +every poem, every beautiful picture reflected upon the uneventful +succession of grey hours we had together. I think our real +difference was one of aesthetic sensibility. + +I do still recall as the worst and most disastrous aspect of all +that time, her absolute disregard of her own beauty. It's the +pettiest thing to record, I know, but she could wear curl-papers +in my presence. It was her idea, too, to "wear out" her old +clothes and her failures at home when "no one was likely to see +her"--"no one" being myself. She allowed me to accumulate +a store of ungracious and slovenly memories.... + +All our conceptions of life differed. I remember how we differed +about furniture. We spent three or four days in Tottenham Court +Road, and she chose the things she fancied with an inexorable +resolution,--sweeping aside my suggestions with--"Oh, YOU want +such queer things." She pursued some limited, clearly seen and +experienced ideal--that excluded all other possibilities. Over +every mantel was a mirror that was draped, our sideboard was +wonderfully good and splendid with beveled glass, we had lamps on +long metal stalks and cozy corners and plants in grog-tubs. +Smithie approved it all. There wasn't a place where one could +sit and read in the whole house. My books went upon shelves in +the dining-room recess. And we had a piano though Marion's +playing was at an elementary level. + +You know, it was the cruelest luck for Marion that I, with my +restlessness, my scepticism, my constantly developing ideas, had +insisted on marriage with her. She had no faculty of growth or +change; she had taken her mould, she had set in the limited ideas +of her peculiar class. She preserved her conception of what was +right in drawing-room chairs and in marriage ceremonial and in +every relation of life with a simple and luminous honesty and +conviction, with an immense unimaginative inflexibility--as a +tailor-bird builds its nest or a beaver makes its dam. + +Let me hasten over this history of disappointments and +separation. I might tell of waxings and waning of love between +us, but the whole was waning. Sometimes she would do things for +me, make me a tie or a pair of slippers, and fill me with none +the less gratitude because the things were absurd. She ran our +home and our one servant with a hard, bright efficiency. She was +inordinately proud of house and garden. Always, by her lights, +she did her duty by me. + +Presently the rapid development of Tono-Bungay began to take me +into the provinces, and I would be away sometimes for a week +together. This she did not like; it left her "dull," she said, +but after a time she began to go to Smithie's again and to +develop an independence of me. At Smithie's she was now a woman +with a position; she had money to spend. She would take Smithie +to theatres and out to lunch and talk interminably of the +business, and Smithie became a sort of permanent weekender with +us. Also Marion got a spaniel and began to dabble with the minor +arts, with poker-work and a Kodak and hyacinths in glasses. She +called once on a neighbour. Her parents left Walham Green--her +father severed his connection with the gas-works--and came to +live in a small house I took for them near us, and they were much +with us. + +Odd the littleness of the things that exasperate when the +fountains of life are embittered! My father-in-law was +perpetually catching me in moody moments and urging me to take to +gardening. He irritated me beyond measure. + +"You think too much," he would say. "If you was to let in a bit +with a spade, you might soon 'ave that garden of yours a Vision +of Flowers. That's better than thinking, George." + +Or in a torrent of exasperation, "I CARN'T think, George, why you +don't get a bit of glass 'ere. This sunny corner you c'd do +wonders with a bit of glass." + +And in the summer time he never came in without performing a sort +of conjuring trick in the hall, and taking cucumbers and tomatoes +from unexpected points of his person. "All out o' MY little +bit," he'd say in exemplary tones. He left a trail of vegetable +produce in the most unusual places, on mantel boards, sideboards, +the tops of pictures. Heavens! how the sudden unexpected tomato +could annoy me!... + +It did much to widen our estrangement that Marion and my aunt +failed to make friends, became, by a sort of instinct, +antagonistic. + +My aunt, to begin with, called rather frequently, for she was +really anxious to know Marion. At first she would arrive like a +whirlwind and pervade the house with an atmosphere of hello! She +dressed already with that cheerfully extravagant abandon that +signalised her accession to fortune, and dressed her best for +these visits. + +She wanted to play the mother to me, I fancy, to tell Marion +occult secrets about the way I wore out my boots and how I never +could think to put on thicker things in cold weather. But Marion +received her with that defensive suspiciousness of the shy +person, thinking only of the possible criticism of herself; and +my aunt, perceiving this, became nervous and slangy... + +"She says such queer things," said Marion once, discussing her. +"But I suppose it's witty." + +"Yes," I said; "it IS witty." + +"If I said things like she does--" + +The queer things my aunt said were nothing to the queer things +she didn't say. I remember her in our drawing-room one day, and +how she cocked her eye--it's the only expression--at the +India-rubber plant in a Doulton-ware pot which Marion had +placed on the corner of the piano. + +She was on the very verge of speech. Then suddenly she caught my +expression, and shrank up like a cat that has been discovered +looking at the milk. + +Then a wicked impulse took her. + +"Didn't say an old word, George," she insisted, looking me full +in the eye. + +I smiled. "You're a dear," I said, "not to," as Marion came +lowering into the room to welcome her. But I felt extraordinarily +like a traitor--to the India-rubber plant, I suppose--for all +that nothing had been said... + +"Your aunt makes Game of people," was Marion's verdict, and, +open-mindedly: "I suppose it's all right... for her." + +Several times we went to the house in Beckenham for lunch, and +once or twice to dinner. My aunt did her peculiar best to be +friends, but Marion was implacable. She was also, I know, +intensely uncomfortable, and she adopted as her social method, an +exhausting silence, replying compactly and without giving +openings to anything that was said to her. + +The gaps between my aunt's visits grew wider and wider. + +My married existence became at last like a narrow deep groove in +the broad expanse of interests in which I was living. I went +about the world; I met a great number of varied personalities; I +read endless books in trains as I went to and fro. I developed +social relationships at my uncle's house that Marion did not +share. The seeds of new ideas poured in upon me and grew in me. +Those early and middle years of one's third decade are, I +suppose, for a man the years of greatest mental growth. They are +restless years and full of vague enterprise. + +Each time I returned to Ealing, life there seemed more alien, +narrow, and unattractive--and Marion less beautiful and more +limited and difficult--until at last she was robbed of every +particle of her magic. She gave me always a cooler welcome, I +think, until she seemed entirely apathetic. I never asked myself +then what heartaches she might hide or what her discontents might +be. + +I would come home hoping nothing, expecting nothing. + +This was my fated life, and I had chosen it. I became more +sensitive to the defects I had once disregarded altogether; I +began to associate her sallow complexion with her temperamental +insufficiency, and the heavier lines of her mouth and nostril +with her moods of discontent. We drifted apart; wider and wider +the gap opened. I tired of baby-talk and stereotyped little +fondlings; I tired of the latest intelligence from those +wonderful workrooms, and showed it all too plainly; we hardly +spoke when we were alone together. The mere unreciprocated +physical residue of my passion remained--an exasperation between +us. + +No children came to save us. Marion had acquired at Smithie's a +disgust and dread of maternity. All that was the fruition and +quintessence of the "horrid" elements in life, a disgusting +thing, a last indignity that overtook unwary women. I doubt +indeed a little if children would have saved us; we should have +differed so fatally about their upbringing. + +Altogether, I remember my life with Marion as a long distress, +now hard, now tender. It was in those days that I first became +critical of my life and burdened with a sense of error and +maladjustment. I would lie awake in the night, asking myself the +purpose of things, reviewing my unsatisfying, ungainly home-life, +my days spent in rascal enterprise and rubbish-selling, +contrasting all I was being and doing with my adolescent +ambitions, my Wimblehurst dreams. My circumstances had an air +of finality, and I asked myself in vain why I had forced myself +into them. + +VI + +The end of our intolerable situation came suddenly and +unexpectedly, but in a way that I suppose was almost inevitable. + +My alienated affections wandered, and I was unfaithful to Marion. + +I won't pretend to extenuate the quality of my conduct. I was a +young and fairly vigorous male; all my appetite for love had been +roused and whetted and none of it had been satisfied by my love +affair and my marriage. I had pursued an elusive gleam of beauty +to the disregard of all else, and it had failed me. It had faded +when I had hoped it would grow brighter. I despaired of life and +was embittered. And things happened as I am telling. I don't +draw any moral at all in the matter, and as for social remedies, +I leave them to the social reformer. I've got to a time of life +when the only theories that interest me are generalisations about +realities. + +To go to our inner office in Raggett Street I had to walk through +a room in which the typists worked. They were the correspondence +typists; our books and invoicing had long since overflowed into +the premises we had had the luck to secure on either side of us. +I was, I must confess, always in a faintly cloudily-emotional +way aware of that collection of for the most part +round-shouldered femininity, but presently one of the girls +detached herself from the others and got a real hold upon my +attention. I appreciated her at first as a straight little back, +a neater back than any of the others; as a softly rounded neck +with a smiling necklace of sham pearls; as chestnut hair very +neatly done--and as a side-long glance; presently as a quickly +turned face that looked for me. + +My eye would seek her as I went through on business things--I +dictated some letters to her and so discovered she had pretty, +soft-looking hands with pink nails. Once or twice, meeting +casually, we looked one another for the flash of a second in the +eyes. + +That was all. But it was enough in the mysterious free-masonry +of sex to say essential things. We had a secret between us. + +One day I came into Raggett Street at lunch time and she was +alone, sitting at her desk. She glanced up as I entered, and +then became very still, with a downcast face and her hands +clenched on the table. I walked right by her to the door of the +inner office, stopped, came back and stood over her. + +We neither of us spoke for quite a perceptible time. I was +trembling violently. + +"Is that one of the new typewriters?" I asked at last for the +sake of speaking. + +She looked up at me without a word, with her face flushed and her +eyes alight, and I bent down and kissed her lips. She leant back +to put an arm about me, drew my face to her and kissed me +again and again. I lifted her and held her in my arms. She gave +a little smothered cry to feel herself so held. + +Never before had I known the quality of passionate kisses. + +Somebody became audible in the shop outside. + +We started back from one another with flushed faces and bright +and burning eyes. + +"We can't talk here," I whispered with a confident intimacy. +"Where do you go at five?" + +"Along the Embankment to Charing Cross," she answered as +intimately. "None of the others go that way..." + +"About half-past five?" + +"Yes, half-past five..." + +The door from the shop opened, and she sat down very quickly. + +"I'm glad," I said in a commonplace voice, "that these new +typewriters are all right." + +I went into the inner office and routed out the paysheet in +order to find her name--Effie Rink. And did no work at all that +afternoon. I fretted about that dingy little den like a beast in +a cage. + +When presently I went out, Effie was working with an +extraordinary appearance of calm--and there was no look for me at +all.... + +We met and had our talk that evening, a talk in whispers when +there was none to overhear; we came to an understanding. It was +strangely unlike any dream of romance I had ever entertained. + +VII + +I came back after a week's absence to my home again--a changed +man. I had lived out my first rush of passion for Effie, had +come to a contemplation of my position. I had gauged Effie's +place in the scheme of things, and parted from her for a time. +She was back in her place at Raggett Street after a temporary +indisposition. I did not feel in any way penitent or ashamed, I +know, as I opened the little cast-iron gate that kept Marion's +front grader and Pampas Grass from the wandering dog. Indeed, if +anything, I felt as if I had vindicated some right that had been +in question. I came back to Marion with no sense of wrong-doing +at all with, indeed, a new friendliness towards her. I don't +know how it may be proper to feel on such occasions; that is how +I felt. + +I followed her in our drawing-room, standing beside the tall +lamp-stand that half filled the bay as though she had just +turned from watching for me at the window. There was something +in her pale face that arrested me. She looked as if she had not +been sleeping. She did not come forward to greet me. + +"You've come home," she said. + +"As I wrote to you." + +She stood very still, a dusky figure against the bright window. + +"Where have you been?" she asked. + +"East Coast," I said easily. + +She paused for a moment. "I KNOW," she said. + +I stared at her. It was the most amazing moment in any life.... + +"By Jove!" I said at last, "I believe you do!" + +"And then you come home to me!" + +I walked to the hearthrug and stood quite still there regarding +this new situation. + +"I didn't dream," she began. "How could you do such a thing?" + +It seemed a long interval before either of us spoke another word. + +"Who knows about it?" I asked at last. + +"Smithie's brother. They were at Cromer." + +"Confound Cromer! Yes!" + +"How could you bring yourself" + +I felt a spasm of petulant annoyance at this unexpected +catastrophe. + +"I should like to wring Smithie's brother's neck," I said.... + +Marion spoke in dry, broken fragments of sentences. "You... I'd +always thought that anyhow you couldn't deceive me... I suppose +all men are horrid--about this." + +"It doesn't strike me as horrid. It seems to me the most +necessary consequence--and natural thing in the world." + +I became aware of some one moving about in the passage, and went +and shut the door of the room, then I walked back to the +hearthrug and turned. + +"It's rough on you," I said. "But I didn't mean you to know. +You've never cared for me. I've had the devil of a time. Why +should you mind?" + +She sat down in a draped armchair. "I HAVE cared for you," she +said. + +I shrugged my shoulders. + +"I suppose," she said, "SHE cares for you?" + +I had no answer. + +"Where is she now?" + +"Oh! does it matter to you?... Look here, Marion! This--this I +didn't anticipate. I didn't mean this thing to smash down on you +like this. But, you know, something had to happen. I'm +sorry--sorry to the bottom of my heart that things have come to +this between us. But indeed, I'm taken by surprise. I don't +know where I am--I don't know how we got here. Things took me by +surprise. I found myself alone with her one day. I kissed her. +I went on. It seemed stupid to go back. And besides--why should +I have gone back? Why should I? From first to last, I've hardly +thought of it as touching you.... Damn!" + +She scrutinised my face, and pulled at the ball-fringe of the +little table beside her. + +"To think of it," she said. "I don't believe I can ever touch +you again." + +We kept a long silence. I was only beginning to realise in the +most superficial way the immense catastrophe that had happened +between us. Enormous issues had rushed upon us. I felt +unprepared and altogether inadequate. I was unreasonably angry. +There came a rush of stupid expressions to my mind that my rising +sense of the supreme importance of the moment saved me from +saying. The gap of silence widened until it threatened to become +the vast memorable margin of some one among a thousand trivial +possibilities of speech that would vex our relations for ever. + +Our little general servant tapped at the door--Marion always +liked the servant to tap--and appeared. + +"Tea, M'm," she said--and vanished, leaving the door open. + +"I will go upstairs," said I, and stopped. "I will go upstairs" +I repeated, "and put my bag in the spare room." + +We remained motionless and silent for a few seconds. + +"Mother is having tea with us to-day," Marion remarked at last, +and dropped the worried end of ball-fringe and stood up +slowly.... + +And so, with this immense discussion of our changed relations +hanging over us, we presently had tea with the unsuspecting Mrs. +Ramboat and the spaniel. Mrs. Ramboat was too well trained in +her position to remark upon our somber preoccupation. She kept a +thin trickle of talk going, and told us, I remember, that Mr. +Ramboat was "troubled" about his cannas. + +"They don't come up and they won't come up. He's been round and +had an explanation with the man who sold him the bulbs--and he's +very heated and upset." + +The spaniel was a great bore, begging and doing small tricks +first at one and then at the other of us. Neither of us used his +name. You see we had called him Miggles, and made a sort of trio +in the baby-talk of Mutney and Miggles and Ming. + +VIII + + +Then presently we resumed our monstrous, momentous dialogue. I +can't now make out how long that dialogue went on. It spread +itself, I know, in heavy fragments over either three days or +four. I remember myself grouped with Marion, talking sitting on +our bed in her room, talking standing in our dining-room, saving +this thing or that. Twice we went for long walks. And we had a +long evening alone together, with jaded nerves and hearts that +fluctuated between a hard and dreary recognition of facts and, on +my part at least, a strange unwonted tenderness; because in some +extraordinary way this crisis had destroyed our mutual apathy and +made us feel one another again. + +It was a dialogue that had discrepant parts that fell into lumps +of talk that failed to join on to their predecessors, that began +again at a different level, higher or lower, that assumed new +aspects in the intervals and assimilated new considerations. We +discussed the fact that we two were no longer lovers; never +before had we faced that. It seems a strange thing to write, but +as I look back, I see clearly that those several days were the +time when Marion and I were closest together, looked for the +first and last time faithfully and steadfastly into each other's +soul. For those days only, there were no pretences, I made no +concessions to her nor she to me; we concealed nothing, +exaggerated nothing. We had done with pretending. We had it out +plainly and soberly with each other. Mood followed mood and got +its stark expression. + +Of course there was quarreling between us, bitter quarreling, and +we said things to one another--long pent-up things that bruised +and crushed and cut. But over it all in my memory now is an +effect of deliberate confrontation, and the figure of Marion +stands up, pale, melancholy, tear-stained, injured, implacable +and dignified. + +"You love her?" she asked once, and jerked that doubt into my +mind. + +I struggled with tangled ideas and emotions. "I don't know what +love is. It's all sorts of things--it's made of a dozen strands +twisted in a thousand ways." + +"But you want her? You want her now--when you think of her?" + +"Yes," I reflected. "I want her--right enough." + +"And me? Where do I come in?" + +"I suppose you come in here." + +"Well, but what are you going to do?" + +"Do!" I said with the exasperation of the situation growing upon +me. "What do you want me to do?" + +As I look back upon all that time--across a gulf of fifteen +active years--I find I see it with an understanding judgment. I +see it as if it were the business of some one else--indeed of two +other people--intimately known yet judged without passion. I see +now that this shock, this sudden immense disillusionment, did in +real fact bring out a mind and soul in Marion; that for the first +time she emerged from habits, timidities, imitations, phrases and +a certain narrow will-impulse, and became a personality. + +Her ruling motive at first was, I think, an indignant and +outraged pride. This situation must end. She asked me +categorically to give up Effie, and I, full of fresh and glowing +memories, absolutely refused. + +"It's too late, Marion," I said. "It can't be done like that." + +"Then we can't very well go on living together," she said. "Can +we?" + +"Very well," I deliberated "if you must have it so." + +"Well, can we?" + +"Can you stay in this house? I mean--if I go away?" + +"I don't know.... I don't think I could." + +"Then--what do you want?" + +Slowly we worked our way from point to point, until at last the +word "divorce" was before us. + +"If we can't live together we ought to be free," said Marion. + +"I don't know anything of divorce," I said--"if you mean that. +I don't know how it is done. I shall have to ask somebody--or +look it up.... Perhaps, after all, it is the thing to do. We +may as well face it." + +We began to talk ourselves into a realisation of what our +divergent futures might be. I came back on the evening of that +day with my questions answered by a solicitor. + +"We can't as a matter of fact," I said, "get divorced as things +are. Apparently, so far as the law goes you've got to stand this +sort of thing. It's silly but that is the law. However, it's +easy to arrange a divorce. In addition to adultery there must be +desertion or cruelty. To establish cruelty I should have to +strike you, or something of that sort, before witnesses. That's +impossible--but it's simple to desert you legally. I have to go +away from you; that's all. I can go on sending you money--and +you bring a suit, what is it?--for Restitution of Conjugal +Rights. The Court orders me to return. I disobey. Then you can +go on to divorce me. You get a Decree Nisi, and once more the +Court tries to make me come back. If we don't make it up within +six months and if you don't behave scandalously the Decree is +made absolute. That's the end of the fuss. That's how one gets +unmarried. It's easier, you see, to marry than unmarry." + +"And then--how do I live? What becomes of me?" + +"You'll have an income. They call it alimony. From a third to a +half of my present income--more if you like--I don't mind--three +hundred a year, say. You've got your old people to keep and +you'll need all that." + +"And then--then you'll be free?" + +"Both of us." + +"And all this life you've hated" + +I looked up at her wrung and bitter face. "I haven't hated it," +I lied, my voice near breaking with the pain of it all. "Have +you?" + +IX + +The perplexing thing about life is the irresolvable complexity of +reality, of things and relations alike. Nothing is simple. +Every wrong done has a certain justice in it, and every good deed +has dregs of evil. As for us, young still, and still without +self-knowledge, resounded a hundred discordant notes in the +harsh angle of that shock. We were furiously angry with each +other, tender with each other, callously selfish, generously +self-sacrificing. + +I remember Marion saying innumerable detached things that didn't +hang together one with another, that contradicted one another, +that were, nevertheless, all in their places profoundly true and +sincere. I see them now as so many vain experiments in her +effort to apprehend the crumpled confusions of our complex moral +landslide. Some I found irritating beyond measure. I answered +her--sometimes quite abominably. + +"Of course," she would say again and again, "my life has been a +failure." + +"I've besieged you for three years," I would retort "asking it +not to be. You've done as you pleased. If I've turned away at +last--" + +Or again she would revive all the stresses before our marriage. + +"How you must hate me! I made you wait. Well now--I suppose you +have your revenge." + +"REVENGE!" I echoed. + +Then she would try over the aspects of our new separated lives. + +"I ought to earn my own living," she would insist. + +"I want to be quite independent. I've always hated London. +Perhaps I shall try a poultry farm and bees. You won't mind at +first my being a burden. Afterwards--" + +"We've settled all that," I said. + +"I suppose you will hate me anyhow..." + +There were times when she seemed to regard our separation with +absolute complacency, when she would plan all sorts of freedoms +and characteristic interests. + +"I shall go out a lot with Smithie," she said. + +And once she said an ugly thing that I did indeed hate her for. +that I cannot even now quite forgive her. + +"Your aunt will rejoice at all this. She never cared for me..." + +Into my memory of these pains and stresses comes the figure of +Smithie, full-charged with emotion, so breathless in the +presence of the horrid villain of the piece that she could make +no articulate sounds. She had long tearful confidences with +Marion, I know, sympathetic close clingings. There were moments +when only absolute speechlessness prevented her giving me a +stupendous "talking-to"--I could see it in her eye. The wrong +things she would have said! And I recall, too, Mrs. Ramboat's +slow awakening to something in, the air, the growing expression +of solicitude in her eye, only her well-trained fear of Marion +keeping her from speech. + +And at last through all this welter, like a thing fated and +altogether beyond our control, parting came to Marion and me. + +I hardened my heart, or I could not have gone. For at the last +it came to Marion that she was parting from me for ever. That +overbore all other things, had turned our last hour to anguish. +She forgot for a time the prospect of moving into a new house, +she forgot the outrage on her proprietorship and pride. For +the first time in her life she really showed strong emotions in +regard to me, for the first time, perhaps, they really came to +her. She began to weep slow, reluctant tears. I came into her +room, and found her asprawl on the bed, weeping. + +"I didn't know," she cried. "Oh! I didn't understand!" + +"I've been a fool. All my life is a wreck! + +"I shall be alone!...MUTNEY! Mutney, don't leave me! Oh! +Mutney! I didn't understand." + +I had to harden my heart indeed, for it seemed to me at moments +in those last hours together that at last, too late, the +longed-for thing had happened and Marion had come alive. A +new-born hunger for me lit her eyes. + +"Don't leave me!" she said, "don't leave me!" She clung to me; +she kissed me with tear-salt lips. + +I was promised now and pledged, and I hardened my heart against +this impossible dawn. Yet it seems to me that there were moments +when it needed but a cry, but one word to have united us again +for all our lives. Could we have united again? Would that +passage have enlightened us for ever or should we have fallen +back in a week or so into the old estrangement, the old +temperamental opposition? + +Of that there is now no telling. Our own resolve carried us on +our predestined way. We behaved more and more like separating +lovers, parting inexorably, but all the preparations we had set +going worked on like a machine, and we made no attempt to stop +them. My trunks and boxes went to the station. I packed my bag +with Marion standing before me. We were like children who had +hurt each other horribly in sheer stupidity, who didn't know now +how to remedy it. We belonged to each other +immensely--immensely. The cab came to the little iron gate. + +"Good-bye!" I said. + +"Good-bye." + +For a moment we held one another in each other's arms and +kissed--incredibly without malice. We heard our little servant +in the passage going to open the door. For the last time we +pressed ourselves to one another. We were not lovers nor +enemies, but two human souls in a frank community of pain. I +tore myself from her. + +"Go away," I said to the servant, seeing that Marion had followed +me down. + +I felt her standing behind me as I spoke to the cab man. + +I got into the cab, resolutely not looking back, and then as it +started jumped up, craned out and looked at the door. + +It was wide open, but she had disappeared.... + +I wonder--I suppose she ran upstairs. + +X + +So I parted from Marion at an extremity of perturbation and +regret, and went, as I had promised and arranged, to Effie, who +was waiting for me in apartments near Orpington. I remember her +upon the station platform, a bright, flitting figure looking +along the train for me, and our walk over the fields in the +twilight. I had expected an immense sense of relief where at +last the stresses of separation were over, but now I found I was +beyond measure wretched and perplexed, full of the profoundest +persuasion of irreparable error. The dusk and somber Marion were +so alike, her sorrow seemed to be all about me. I had to hold +myself to my own plans, to remember that I must keep faith with +Effie, with Effie who had made no terms, exacted no guarantees, +but flung herself into my hands. + +We went across the evening fields in silence, towards a sky of +deepening gold and purple, and Effie was close beside me always, +very close, glancing up ever and again at my face. + +Certainly she knew I grieved for Marion, that ours was now no +joyful reunion. But she showed no resentment and no jealousy. +Extraordinarily, she did not compete against Marion. Never once +in all our time together did she say an adverse word of +Marion.... + +She set herself presently to dispel the shadow that brooded over +me with the same instinctive skill that some women will show with +the trouble of a child. She made herself my glad and pretty +slave and handmaid; she forced me at last to rejoice in her. Yet +at the back of it all Marion remained, stupid and tearful and +infinitely distressful, so that I was almost intolerably unhappy +for her--for her and the dead body of my married love. + +It is all, as I tell it now, unaccountable to me. I go back into +these remote parts, these rarely visited uplands and lonely tares +of memory, and it seems to me still a strange country. I had +thought I might be going to some sensuous paradise with Effie, +but desire which fills the universe before its satisfaction, +vanishes utterly like the going of daylight--with achievement. +All the facts and forms of life remain darkling and cold. It was +an upland of melancholy questionings, a region from which I saw +all the world at new angles and in new aspects; I had outflanked +passion and romance. + +I had come into a condition of vast perplexities. For the first +time in my life, at least so it seems to me now in this +retrospect, I looked at my existence as a whole. + +Since this was nothing, what was I doing? What was I for? + +I was going to and fro about Tono-Bungay--the business I had +taken up to secure Marion and which held me now in spite of our +intimate separation--and snatching odd week-ends and nights for +Orpington, and all the while I struggled with these obstinate +interrogations. I used to fall into musing in the trains, I +became even a little inaccurate and forgetful about business +things. I have the clearest memory of myself sitting thoughtful +in the evening sunlight on a grassy hillside that looked toward +Seven Oaks and commanded a wide sweep of country, and that I was +thinking out my destiny. I could almost write my thought down +now, I believe, as they came to me that afternoon. Effie, +restless little cockney that she was, rustled and struggled in a +hedgerow below, gathering flowers, discovering flowers she had +never seen before. I had. I remember, a letter from Marion in +my pocket. I had even made some tentatives for return, for a +reconciliation; Heaven knows now how I had put it! but her cold, +ill-written letter repelled me. I perceived I could never face +that old inconclusive dullness of life again, that stagnant +disappointment. That, anyhow, wasn't possible. But what was +possible? I could see no way of honour or fine living before me +at all. + +"What am I to do with life?" that was the question that besieged +me. + +I wondered if all the world was even as I, urged to this by one +motive and to that by another, creatures of chance and impulse +and unmeaning traditions. Had I indeed to abide by what I had +said and done and chosen? Was there nothing for me in honour but +to provide for Effie, go back penitent to Marion and keep to my +trade in rubbish--or find some fresh one--and so work out the +residue of my days? I didn't accept that for a moment. But what +else was I to do? I wondered if my case was the case of many +men, whether in former ages, too, men had been so guideless, so +uncharted, so haphazard in their journey into life. In the +Middle Ages, in the old Catholic days, one went to a priest, and +he said with all the finality of natural law, this you are and +this you must do. I wondered whether even in the Middle Ages I +should have accepted that ruling without question. + +I remember too very distinctly how Effie came and sat beside me +on a little box: that was before the casement window of our room. + +"Gloomkins," said she. + +I smiled and remained head on hand, looking out of the window +forgetful of her. + +"Did you love your wife so well?" she whispered softly. + +"Oh!" I cried, recalled again; "I don't know. I don't understand +these things. Life is a thing that hurts, my dear! It hurts +without logic or reason. I've blundered! I didn't understand. +Anyhow--there is no need to go hurting you, is there?" + +And I turned about and drew her to me, and kissed her ear.... + +Yes, I had a very bad time--I still recall. I suffered, I +suppose, from a sort of ennui of the imagination. I found +myself without an object to hold my will together. I sought. I +read restlessly and discursively. I tried Ewart and got no help +from him. As I regard it all now in this retrospect, it seems to +me as if in those days of disgust and abandoned aims I discovered +myself for the first time. Before that I had seen only the world +and things in it, had sought them self-forgetful of all but my +impulse. Now I found myself GROUPED with a system of +appetites and satisfactions, with much work to do--and no desire, +it seemed, left in me. + +There were moments when I thought of suicide. At times my life +appeared before me in bleak, relentless light, a series of +ignorances, crude blunderings, degradation and cruelty. I had +what the old theologians call a "conviction of sin." I sought +salvation--not perhaps in the formula a Methodist preacher would +recognise but salvation nevertheless. + +Men find their salvation nowadays in many ways. Names and forms +don't, I think, matter very much; the real need is something that +we can hold and that holds one. I have known a man find that +determining factor in a dry-plate factory, and another in +writing a history of the Manor. So long as it holds one, it does +not matter. Many men and women nowadays take up some concrete +aspect of Socialism or social reform. But Socialism for me has +always been a little bit too human, too set about with +personalities and foolishness. It isn't my line. I don't like +things so human. I don't think I'm blind to the fun, the +surprises, the jolly little coarsenesses and insufficiency of +life, to the "humour of it," as people say, and to adventure, but +that isn't the root of the matter with me. There's no humour in +my blood. I'm in earnest in warp and woof. I stumble and +flounder, but I know that over all these merry immediate things, +there are other things that are great and serene, very high, +beautiful things--the reality. I haven't got it, but it's there +nevertheless. I'm a spiritual guttersnipe in love with +unimaginable goddesses. I've never seen the goddesses nor ever +shall--but it takes all the fun out of the mud--and at times I +fear it takes all the kindliness, too. + +But I'm talking of things I can't expect the reader to +understand, because I don't half understand them myself. There is +something links things for me, a sunset or so, a mood or so, the +high air, something there was in Marion's form and colour, +something I find and lose in Mantegna's pictures, something in +the lines of these boats I make. (You should see X2, my last and +best!) + +I can't explain myself, I perceive. Perhaps it all comes to +this, that I am a hard and morally limited cad with a mind beyond +my merits. Naturally I resist that as a complete solution. +Anyhow, I had a sense of inexorable need, of distress and +insufficiency that was unendurable, and for a time this +aeronautical engineering allayed it.... + +In the end of this particular crisis of which I tell so badly, I +idealised Science. I decided that in power and knowledge lay the +salvation of my life, the secret that would fill my need; that to +these things I would give myself. + +I emerged at last like a man who has been diving in darkness, +clutching at a new resolve for which he had groped desperately +and long. + +I came into the inner office suddenly one day--it must have been +just before the time of Marion's suit for restitution--and sat +down before my uncle. + +"Look here," I said, "I'm sick of this." + +"HulLO!" he answered, and put some papers aside. + +"What's up, George?" + +"Things are wrong." + +"As how?" + +"My life," I said, "it's a mess, an infinite mess." + +"She's been a stupid girl, George," he said; "I partly +understand. But you're quit of her now, practically, and there's +just as good fish in the sea--" + +"Oh! it's not that!" I cried. "That's only the part that shows. +I'm sick--I'm sick of all this damned rascality." + +"Eh? Eh?" said my uncle. "WHAT--rascality?" + +"Oh, YOU know. I want some STUFF, man. I want something to +hold on to. I shall go amok if I don't get it. I'm a different +sort of beast from you. You float in all this bunkum. _I_ feel +like a man floundering in a universe of soapsuds, up and downs, +east and west. I can't stand it. I must get my foot on +something solid or--I don't know what." + +I laughed at the consternation in his face. + +"I mean it," I said. "I've been thinking it over. I've made up +my mind. It's no good arguing. I shall go in for work--real +work. No! this isn't work; it's only laborious cheating. But +I've got an idea! It's an old idea--I thought of years ago, but +it came back to me. Look here! Why should I fence about with +you? I believe the time has come for flying to be possible. +Real flying!" + +"Flying!" + +I stuck to that, and it helped me through the worst time in my +life. My uncle, after some half-hearted resistance and a talk +with my aunt, behaved like the father of a spoilt son. He fixed +up an arrangement that gave me capital to play with, released me +from too constant a solicitude for the newer business +developments--this was in what I may call the later Moggs period +of our enterprises--and I went to work at once with grim +intensity. + +But I will tell of my soaring and flying machines in the proper +place. I've been leaving the story of my uncle altogether too +long. I wanted merely to tell how it was I took to this work. I +took to these experiments after I had sought something that +Marion in some indefinable way had seemed to promise. I toiled +and forgot myself for a time, and did many things. Science too +has been something of an irresponsive mistress since, though I've +served her better than I served Marion. But at the time Science, +with her order, her inhuman distance, yet steely certainties, +saved me from despair. + +Well, I have still to fly; but incidentally I have invented the +lightest engines in the world. + +I am trying to tell of all the things that happened to me. It's +hard enough simply to get it put down in the remotest degree +right. But this is a novel, not a treatise. Don't imagine that I +am coming presently to any sort of solution of my difficulties. +Here among my drawings and hammerings NOW, I still question +unanswering problems. All my life has been at bottom, SEEKING, +disbelieving always, dissatisfied always with the thing seen and +the thing believed, seeking something in toil, in force, in +danger, something whose name and nature I do not clearly +understand, something beautiful, worshipful, enduring, mine +profoundly and fundamentally, and the utter redemption of myself; +I don't know--all I can tell is that it is something I have ever +failed to find. + +XI + +But before I finish this chapter and book altogether and go on +with the great adventure of my uncle's career. I may perhaps tell +what else remains to tell of Marion and Effie, and then for a +time set my private life behind me. + +For a time Marion and I corresponded with some regularity, +writing friendly but rather uninforming letters about small +business things. The clumsy process of divorce completed itself. + +She left the house at Ealing and went into the country with her +aunt and parents, taking a small farm near Lewes in Sussex. She +put up glass, she put in heat for her father, happy man! and +spoke of figs and peaches. The thing seemed to promise well +throughout a spring and summer, but the Sussex winter after +London was too much for the Ramboats. They got very muddy and +dull; Mr. Ramboat killed a cow by improper feeding, and that +disheartened them all. A twelvemonth saw the enterprise in +difficulties. I had to help her out of this, and then they +returned to London and she went into partnership with Smithie at +Streatham, and ran a business that was intimated on the firm's +stationery as "Robes." The parents and aunt were stowed away in +a cottage somewhere. After that the letters became infrequent. +But in one I remember a postscript that had a little stab of our +old intimacy: "Poor old Miggles is dead." + +Nearly eight years slipped by. I grew up. I grew in experience, +in capacity, until I was fully a man, but with many new +interests, living on a larger scale in a wider world than I could +have dreamt of in my Marion days. Her letters become rare and +insignificant. At last came a gap of silence that made me +curious. For eighteen months or more I had nothing from Marion +save her quarterly receipts through the bank. Then I damned at +Smithie, and wrote a card to Marion. + +"Dear Marion," I said, "how goes it?" + +She astonished me tremendously by telling me she had married +again--"a Mr. Wachorn, a leading agent in the paper-pattern +trade." But she still wrote on the Ponderevo and Smith (Robes) +notepaper, from the Ponderevo and Smith address. + +And that, except for a little difference of opinion about the +continuance of alimony which gave me some passages of anger, and +the use of my name by the firm, which also annoyed me, is the end +of Marion's history for me, and she vanishes out of this story. +I do not know where she is or what she is doing. I do not know +whether she is alive or dead. It seems to me utterly grotesque +that two people who have stood so close to one another as she and +I should be so separated, but so it is between us. + +Effie, too, I have parted from, though I still see her at times. +Between us there was never any intention of marriage nor intimacy +of soul. She had a sudden, fierce, hot-blooded passion for me +and I for her, but I was not her first lover nor her last. She +was in another world from Marion. She had a queer, delightful +nature; I've no memory of ever seeing her sullen or malicious. +She was--indeed she was magnificently--eupeptic. That, I think, +was the central secret of her agreeableness, and, moreover, that +she was infinitely kind-hearted. I helped her at last into an +opening she coveted, and she amazed me by a sudden display of +business capacity. She has now a typewriting bureau in Riffle's +Inn, and she runs it with a brisk vigour and considerable +success, albeit a certain plumpness has overtaken her. And she +still loves her kind. She married a year or so ago a boy half +her age--a wretch of a poet, a wretched poet, and given to drugs, +a thing with lank fair hair always getting into his blue eyes, +and limp legs. She did it, she said, because he needed +nursing.... + +But enough of this disaster of my marriage and of my early love +affairs; I have told all that is needed for my picture to explain +how I came to take up aeroplane experiments and engineering +science; let me get back to my essential story, to Tono-Bungay +and my uncle's promotions and to the vision of the world these +things have given me. + + +BOOK THE THIRD + +THE GREAT DAYS OF TONO-BUNGAY + +CHAPTER THE FIRST + +THE HARDINGHAM HOTEL, AND HOW WE BECAME BIG PEOPLE + +I + +But now that I resume the main line of my story it may be well to +describe the personal appearance of my uncle as I remember him +during those magnificent years that followed his passage from +trade to finance. The little man plumped up very considerably +during the creation of the Tono-Bungay property, but with the +increasing excitements that followed that first flotation came +dyspepsia and a certain flabbiness and falling away. His +abdomen--if the reader will pardon my taking his features in the +order of their value--had at first a nice full roundness, but +afterwards it lost tone without, however, losing size. He always +went as though he was proud of it and would make as much of it as +possible. To the last his movements remained quick and sudden, +his short firm legs, as he walked, seemed to twinkle rather than +display the scissors-stride of common humanity, and he never +seemed to have knees, but instead, a dispersed flexibility of +limb. + +There was, I seem to remember, a secular intensification of his +features; his nose developed character, became aggressive, stuck +out at the world more and more; the obliquity of his mouth, I +think, increased. From the face that returns to my memory +projects a long cigar that is sometimes cocked jauntily up from +the higher corner, that sometimes droops from the lower;--it was +as eloquent as a dog's tail, and he removed it only for the more +emphatic modes of speech. He assumed a broad black ribbon for +his glasses, and wore them more and more askew as time went on. +His hair seemed to stiffen with success, but towards the climax +it thinned greatly over the crown, and he brushed it hard back +over his ears where, however, it stuck out fiercely. It always +stuck out fiercely over his forehead, up and forward. + +He adopted an urban style of dressing with the onset of +Tono-Bungay and rarely abandoned it. He preferred silk hats with +ample rich brims, often a trifle large for him by modern ideas, +and he wore them at various angles to his axis; his taste in +trouserings was towards fairly emphatic stripes and his trouser +cut was neat; he liked his frock-coat long and full, although +that seemed to shorten him. He displayed a number of valuable +rings, and I remember one upon his left little finger with a +large red stone bearing Gnostic symbols. "Clever chaps, those +Gnostics, George," he told me. "Means a lot. Lucky!" He never +had any but a black mohair watch-chair. In the country he +affected grey and a large grey cloth top-hat, except when +motoring; then he would have a brown deer-stalker cap and a fur +suit of esquimaux cut with a sort of boot-end to the trousers. +Of an evening he would wear white waistcoats and plain gold +studs. He hated diamonds. "Flashy," he said they were. "Might +as well wear--an income tax-receipt. All very well for Park +Lane. Unsold stock. Not my style. Sober financier, George." + +So much for his visible presence. For a time it was very +familiar to the world, for at the crest of the boom he allowed +quite a number of photographs and at least one pencil sketch to +be published in the sixpenny papers. + +His voice declined during those years from his early tenor to a +flat rich quality of sound that my knowledge of music is +inadequate to describe. His Zzz-ing inrush of air became less +frequent as he ripened, but returned in moments of excitement. +Throughout his career, in spite of his increasing and at last +astounding opulence, his more intimate habits remained as simple +as they had been at Wimblehurst. He would never avail himself of +the services of a valet; at the very climax of his greatness his +trousers were folded by a housemaid and his shoulders brushed as +he left his house or hotel. He became wary about breakfast as +life advanced, and at one time talked much of Dr. Haig and uric +acid. But for other meals he remained reasonably omnivorous. He +was something of a gastronome, and would eat anything he +particularly liked in an audible manner, and perspire upon his +forehead. He was a studiously moderate drinker--except when the +spirit of some public banquet or some great occasion caught him +and bore him beyond his wariness--there he would, as it were, +drink inadvertently and become flushed and talkative--about +everything but his business projects. + +To make the portrait complete one wants to convey an effect of +sudden, quick bursts of movement like the jumps of a +Chinese-cracker to indicate that his pose whatever it is, has +been preceded and will be followed by a rush. If I were painting +him, I should certainly give him for a background that +distressed, uneasy sky that was popular in the eighteenth +century, and at a convenient distance a throbbing motor-car, +very big and contemporary, a secretary hurrying with papers, and +an alert chauffeur. + +Such was the figure that created and directed the great property +of Tono-Bungay, and from the successful reconstruction of that +company passed on to a slow crescendo of magnificent creations +and promotions until the whole world of investors marveled. I +have already I think, mentioned how, long before we offered Tono +Bungay to the public, we took over the English agency of certain +American specialties. To this was presently added our +exploitation of Moggs' Domestic Soap, and so he took up the +Domestic Convenience Campaign that, coupled with his equatorial +rotundity and a certain resolute convexity in his bearings won my +uncle his Napoleonic title. + +II + +It illustrates the romantic element in modern commerce that my +uncle met young Moggs at a city dinner--I think it was the +Bottle-makers' Company--when both were some way advanced beyond +the initial sobriety of the occasion. This was the grandson of +the original Moggs, and a very typical instance of an educated, +cultivated, degenerate plutocrat. His people had taken him about +in his youth as the Ruskins took their John and fostered a +passion for history in him, and the actual management of the +Moggs' industry had devolved upon a cousin and a junior partner. + +Mr. Moggs, being of a studious and refined disposition, had just +decided--after a careful search for a congenial subject in which +he would not be constant]y reminded of soap--to devote himself +to the History of the Thebaid, when this cousin died suddenly and +precipitated responsibilities upon him. In the frankness of +conviviality, Moggs bewailed the uncongenial task thus thrust +into his hands, and my uncle offered to lighten his burden by a +partnership then and there. They even got to terms--extremely +muzzy terms, but terms nevertheless. + +Each gentleman wrote the name and address of the other on his +cuff, and they separated in a mood of brotherly carelessness, and +next morning neither seems to have thought to rescue his shirt +from the wash until it was too late. My uncle made a painful +struggle--it was one of my business mornings--to recall name and +particulars. + +"He was an aquarium-faced, long, blond sort of chap, George, with +glasses and a genteel accent," he said. + +I was puzzled. "Aquarium-faced?" + +"You know how they look at you. His stuff was soap, I'm pretty +nearly certain. And he had a name--And the thing was the +straightest Bit-of-All-right you ever. I was clear enough to +spot that..." + +We went out at last with knitted brows, and wandered up into +Finsbury seeking a good, well-stocked looking grocer. We called +first on a chemist for a pick-me-up for my uncle, and then we +found the shop we needed. + +"I want," said my uncle, "half a pound of every sort of soap you +got. Yes, I want to take them now. Wait a moment, George.... +Now what sort of soap d'you call THAT?" + +At the third repetition of that question the young man said, +"Moggs' Domestic." + +"Right," said my uncle. "You needn't guess again. Come along, +George, let's go to a telephone and get on to Moggs. Oh--the +order? Certainly. I confirm it. Send it all--send it all to +the Bishop of London; he'll have some good use for +it--(First-rate man, George, he is--charities and all that)--and +put it down to me, here's a card--Ponderevo--Tono-Bungay." + +Then we went on to Moggs and found him in a camel-hair +dressing-jacket in a luxurious bed, drinking China tea, and got +the shape of everything but the figures fixed by lunch time. + +Young Moggs enlarged my mind considerably; he was a sort of thing +I hadn't met before; he seemed quite clean and well-informed and +he assured me to never read newspapers nor used soap in any form +at all, "Delicate skin," he said. + +"No objection to our advertising you wide and free?" said my +uncle. + +"I draw the line at railway stations," said Moggs, "south-coast +cliffs, theatre programmes, books by me and poetry +generally--scenery--oh!--and the Mercure de France." + +"We'll get along," said my uncle. + +"So long as you don't annoy me," said Moggs, lighting a +cigarette, "you can make me as rich as you like." + +We certainly made him no poorer. His was the first firm that was +advertised by a circumstantial history; we even got to +illustrated magazine articles telling of the quaint past of +Moggs. We concocted Moggsiana. Trusting to our partner's +preoccupation with the uncommercial aspects of life, we gave +graceful history--of Moggs the First, Moggs the Second, Moggs +the Third, and Moggs the Fourth. You must, unless you are very +young, remember some of them and our admirable block of a +Georgian shop window. My uncle brought early nineteenth-century +memoirs, soaked himself in the style, and devised stories about +old Moggs the First and the Duke of Wellington, George the Third +and the soap dealer ("almost certainly old Moggs"). Very soon we +had added to the original Moggs' Primrose several varieties of +scented and superfatted, a "special nurseries used in the +household of the Duke of Kent and for the old Queen in Infancy," +a plate powder, "the Paragon," and a knife powder. We roped in +a good little second-rate black-lead firm, and carried their +origins back into the mists of antiquity. It was my uncle's own +unaided idea that we should associate that commodity with the +Black Prince. He became industriously curious about the past of +black-lead. I remember his button-holing the president of the +Pepys Society. + +"I say, is there any black-lead in Pepys? You know +--black-lead--for grates! OR DOES HE PASS IT OVER AS A MATTER +OF COURSE?" + +He became in those days the terror of eminent historians. +"Don't want your drum and trumpet history--no fear," he used to +say. "Don't want to know who was who's mistress, and why +so-and-so devastated such a province; that's bound to be all +lies and upsy-down anyhow. Not my affair. Nobody's affair now. +Chaps who did it didn't clearly know.... What I want to know is, +in the Middle Ages, did they do anything for Housemaid's Knee? +What did they put in their hot baths after jousting, and was the +Black Prince--you know the Black Prince--was he enameled or +painted, or what? I think myself, black-leaded--very +likely--like pipe-clay--but DID they use blacking so early?" + +So it came about that in designing and writing those Moggs' Soap +Advertisements, that wrought a revolution in that department of +literature, my uncle was brought to realise not only the lost +history, but also the enormous field for invention and enterprise +that lurked among the little articles, the dustpans and mincers, +the mousetraps and carpet-sweepers that fringe the shops of the +oilman and domestic ironmonger. He was recalled to one of the +dreams of his youth, to his conception of the Ponderevo Patent +Flat that had been in his mind so early as the days before I went +to serve him at Wimblehurst. "The Home, George," he said, +"wants straightening up. Silly muddle! Things that get in the +way. Got to organise it." + +For a time he displayed something like the zeal of a genuine +social reformer in relation to these matters. + +"We've got to bring the Home Up to Date? That's my idee, George. +We got to make a civilised domestic machine out of these relics +of barbarism. I'm going to hunt up inventors, make a corner in +d'mestic ideas. Everything. Balls of string that won't dissolve +into a tangle, and gum that won't dry into horn. See? Then +after conveniences--beauty. Beauty, George! All these few +things ought to be made fit to look at; it's your aunt's idea, +that. Beautiful jam-pots! Get one of those new art chaps to +design all the things they make ugly now. Patent carpet-sweepers +by these greenwood chaps, housemaid's boxes it'll be a pleasure +to fall over--rich coloured house-flannels. Zzzz. Pails, +f'rinstance. Hang 'em up on the walls like warming-pans. All +the polishes and things in such tins--you'll want to cuddle 'em, +George! See the notion? 'Sted of all the silly ugly things we +got."... + +We had some magnificent visions; they so affected me that when I +passed ironmongers and oil-shops they seemed to me as full of +promise as trees in late winter, flushed with the effort to burst +into leaf and flower.... And really we did do much towards that +very brightness these shops display. They were dingy things in +the eighties compared to what our efforts have made them now, +grey quiet displays. + +Well, I don't intend to write down here the tortuous financial +history of Moggs' Limited, which was our first development of +Moggs and Sons; nor will I tell very much of how from that we +spread ourselves with a larger and larger conception throughout +the chandlery and minor ironmongery, how we became agents for +this little commodity, partners in that, got a tentacle round the +neck of a specialised manufacturer or so, secured a pull upon +this or that supply of raw material, and so prepared the way for +our second flotation, Domestic Utilities; "Do it," they reordered +it in the city. And then came the reconstruction of Tono-Bungay, +and then "Household services" and the Boom! + +That sort of development is not to he told in detail in a novel. +I have, indeed, told much of it elsewhere. It is to be found set +out at length, painfully at length, in my uncle's examination and +mine in the bankruptcy proceedings, and in my own various +statements after his death. Some people know everything in that +story, some know it all too well, most do not want the details. +it is the story of a man of imagination among figures, and unless +you are prepared to collate columns of pounds, shillings and +pence, compare dates and check additions, you will find it very +unmeaning and perplexing. And after all, you wouldn't find the +early figures so much wrong as STRAINED. In the matter of +Moggs and Do Ut, as in the first Tono-Bungay promotion and in its +reconstruction, we left the court by city standards without a +stain on our characters. The great amalgamation of Household +Services was my uncle's first really big-scale enterprise and +his first display of bolder methods: for this we bought back Do +Ut, Moggs (going strong with a seven per cent. dividend) and +acquired Skinnerton's polishes, the Riffleshaw properties and the +Runcorn's mincer and coffee-mill business. To that Amalgamation +I was really not a party; I left it to my uncle because I was +then beginning to get keen upon the soaring experiments I had +taken on from the results then to hand of Lilienthal, Pilcher and +the Wright brothers. I was developing a glider into a flyer. I +meant to apply power to this glider as soon as I could work out +one or two residual problems affecting the longitudinal +stability. I knew that I had a sufficiently light motor in my +own modification of Bridger's light turbine, but I knew too that +until I had cured my aeroplane of a tendency demanding constant +alertness from me, a tendency to jerk up its nose at unexpected +moments and slide back upon me, the application of an engine +would be little short of suicide. + +But that I will tell about later. The point I was coming to was +that I did not realise until after the crash how recklessly my +uncle had kept his promise of paying a dividend of over eight per +cent. on the ordinary shares of that hugely over-capitalised +enterprise, Household Services. + +I drifted out of business affairs into my research much more than +either I or my uncle had contemplated. Finance was much less to +my taste than the organisation of the Tono-Bungay factory. In +the new field of enterprise there was a great deal of bluffing +and gambling, of taking chances and concealing material +facts--and these are hateful things to the scientific type of +mind. It wasn't fear I felt so much as an uneasy inaccuracy. I +didn't realise dangers, I simply disliked the sloppy, relaxing +quality of this new sort of work. I was at last constantly +making excuses not to come up to him in London. The latter part +of his business career recedes therefore beyond the circle of any +particular life. I lived more or less with him; I talked, I +advised, I helped him at times to fight his Sunday crowd at Crest +Hill, but I did not follow nor guide him. From the Do Ut time +onward he rushed up the financial world like a bubble in water +and left me like some busy water-thing down below in the deeps. + +Anyhow, he was an immense success. The public was, I think, +particularly attracted by the homely familiarity of his field of +work--you never lost sight of your investment they felt, with +the name on the house-flannel and shaving-strop--and its +allegiance was secured by the Egyptian solidity of his apparent +results. Tono-Bungay, after its reconstruction, paid thirteen, +Moggs seven, Domestic Utilities had been a safe-looking nine; +here was Household Services with eight; on such a showing he had +merely to buy and sell Roeburn's Antiseptic fluid, Razor soaks +and Bath crystals in three weeks to clear twenty thousand pounds. + +I do think that as a matter of fact Roeburn's was good value at +the price at which he gave it to the public, at least until it +was strained by ill-conserved advertisement. It was a period of +expansion and confidence; much money was seeking investment and +"Industrials" were the fashion. Prices were rising all round. +There remained little more for my uncle to do therefore, in his +climb to the high unstable crest of Financial Greatness but, as +he said, to "grasp the cosmic oyster, George, while it gaped," +which, being translated, meant for him to buy respectable +businesses confidently and courageously at the vendor's +estimate, add thirty or forty thousand to the price and sell them +again. His sole difficulty indeed was the tactful management of +the load of shares that each of these transactions left upon his +hands. But I thought so little of these later things that I +never fully appreciated the peculiar inconveniences of that until +it was too late to help him. + +III + +When I think of my uncle near the days of his Great Boom and in +connection with the actualities of his enterprises, I think of +him as I used to see him in the suite of rooms he occupied in the +Hardingham Hotel, seated at a great old oak writing-table, +smoking, drinking, and incoherently busy; that was his typical +financial aspect--our evenings, our mornings, our holidays, our +motor-car expeditions, Lady Grove and Crest Hill belong to an +altogether different set of memories. + +These rooms in the Hardingham were a string of apartments along +one handsome thick-carpeted corridor. All the doors upon the +corridor were locked except the first; and my uncle's bedroom, +breakfast-room and private sanctum were the least accessible +and served by an entrance from the adjacent passage, which he +also used at times as a means of escape from importunate callers. +The most eternal room was a general waiting-room and very +business-like in quality; it had one or two uneasy sofas, a +number of chairs, a green baize table, and a collection of the +very best Moggs and Tone posters: and the plush carpets normal to +the Hardingham had been replaced by a grey-green cork linoleum; +Here I would always find a remarkable miscellany of people +presided over by a peculiarly faithful and ferocious looking +commissioner, Ropper, who guarded the door that led a step nearer +my uncle. Usually there would be a parson or so, and one or two +widows; hairy, eyeglassy, middle-aged gentlemen, some of them +looking singularly like Edward Ponderevos who hadn't come off, a +variety of young and youngish men more or less attractively +dressed, some with papers protruding from their pockets, others +with their papers decently concealed. And wonderful, incidental, +frowsy people. + +All these persons maintained a practically hopeless +siege--sometimes for weeks together; they had better have stayed +at home. Next came a room full of people who had some sort of +appointment, and here one would find smart-looking people, +brilliantly dressed, nervous women hiding behind magazines, +nonconformist divines, clergy in gaiters, real business men, +these latter for the most part gentlemen in admirable morning +dress who stood up and scrutinised my uncle's taste in water +colours manfully and sometimes by the hour together. Young men +again were here of various social origins, young Americans, +treasonable clerks from other concerns, university young men, +keen-looking, most of them, resolute, reserved, but on a sort of +hair trigger, ready at any moment to be most voluble, most +persuasive. + +This room had a window, too, looking out into the hotel courtyard +with its fern-set fountains and mosaic pavement, and the young +men would stand against this and sometimes even mutter. One day +I heard one repeating in all urgent whisper as I passed "But you +don't quite see, Mr. Ponderevo, the full advantages, the FULL +advantages--" I met his eye and he was embarrassed. + +Then came a room with a couple of secretaries--no typewriters, +because my uncle hated the clatter--and a casual person or two +sitting about, projectors whose projects were being entertained. +Here and in a further room nearer the private apartments, my +uncle's correspondence underwent an exhaustive process of pruning +and digestion before it reached him. Then the two little rooms +in which my uncle talked; my magic uncle who had got the +investing public--to whom all things were possible. As one came +in we would find him squatting with his cigar up and an +expression of dubious beatitude upon his face, while some one +urged him to grow still richer by this or that. + +"That'ju, George?" he used to say. "Come in. Here's a thing. +Tell him--Mister--over again. Have a drink, George? No! Wise +man! Liss'n." + +I was always ready to listen. All sorts of financial marvels +came out of the Hardingham, more particularly during my uncle's +last great flurry, but they were nothing to the projects that +passed in. It was the little brown and gold room he sat in +usually. He had had it redecorated by Bordingly and half a dozen +Sussex pictures by Webster hung about it. Latterly he wore a +velveteen jacket of a golden-brown colour in this apartment that +I think over-emphasised its esthetic intention, and he also +added some gross Chinese bronzes. + +He was, on the whole, a very happy man throughout all that wildly +enterprising time. He made and, as I shall tell in its place, +spent great sums of money. He was constantly in violent motion, +constantly stimulated mentally and physically and rarely tired. +About him was an atmosphere of immense deference much of his +waking life was triumphal and all his dreams. I doubt if he had +any dissatisfaction with himself at all until the crash bore him +down. Things must have gone very rapidly with him.... I think +he must have been very happy. + +As I sit here writing about all these things, jerking down notes +and throwing them aside in my attempt to give some literary form +to the tale of our promotions, the marvel of it all comes to me +as if it came for the first time the supreme unreason of it. At +the climax of his Boom, my uncle at the most sparing estimate +must have possessed in substance and credit about two million +pounds'-worth of property to set off against his vague colossal +liabilities, and from first to last he must have had a +controlling influence in the direction of nearly thirty millions. + +This irrational muddle of a community in which we live gave him +that, paid him at that rate for sitting in a room and scheming +and telling it lies. For he created nothing, he invented +nothing, he economised nothing. I cannot claim that a single one +of the great businesses we organised added any real value to +human life at all. Several like Tono-Bungay were unmitigated +frauds by any honest standard, the giving of nothing coated in +advertisements for money. And the things the Hardingham gave +out, I repeat, were nothing to the things that came in. I think +of the long procession of people who sat down before us and +propounded this and that. Now it was a device for selling bread +under a fancy name and so escaping the laws as to weight--this +was afterwards floated as the Decorticated Health-Bread Company +and bumped against the law--now it was a new scheme for still +more strident advertisement, now it was a story of unsuspected +deposits of minerals, now a cheap and nasty substitute for this +or that common necessity, now the treachery of a too +well-informed employee, anxious to become our partner. It was +all put to us tentatively, persuasively. Sometimes one had a +large pink blusterous person trying to carry us off our feet by +his pseudo-boyish frankness, now some dyspeptically yellow +whisperer, now some earnest, specially dressed youth with an +eye-glass and a buttonhole, now some homely-speaking, shrewd +Manchester man or some Scotchman eager to be very clear and full. + +Many came in couples or trios, often in tow of an explanatory +solicitor. Some were white and earnest, some flustered beyond +measure at their opportunity. Some of them begged and prayed to +be taken up. My uncle chose what he wanted and left the rest. +He became very autocratic to these applicants. + +He felt he could make them, and they felt so too. He had but to +say "No!" and they faded out of existence.... He had become a +sort of vortex to which wealth flowed of its own accord. His +possessions increased by heaps; his shares, his leaseholds and +mortgages and debentures. + +Behind his first-line things he found it necessary at last, and +sanctioned by all the precincts, to set up three general trading +companies, the London and African Investment Company, the British +Traders' Loan Company, and Business Organisations Limited. This +was in the culminating time when I had least to do with affairs. +I don't say that with any desire to exculpate myself; I admit I +was a director of all three, and I will confess I was willfully +incurious in that capacity. Each of these companies ended its +financial year solvent by selling great holdings of shares to one +or other of its sisters, and paying a dividend out of the +proceeds. I sat at the table and agreed. That was our method of +equilibrium at the iridescent climax of the bubble. + +You perceive now, however, the nature of the services for which +this fantastic community have him unmanageable wealth and power +and real respect. It was all a monstrous payment for courageous +fiction, a gratuity in return for the one reality of human +life--illusion. We gave them a feeling of hope and profit; we +sent a tidal wave of water and confidence into their stranded +affairs. "We mint Faith, George," said my uncle one day. +"That's what we do. And by Jove we got to keep minting! We been +making human confidence ever since I drove the first cork of +Tono-Bungay." + +"Coining" would have been a better word than minting! And yet, +you know, in a sense he was right. Civilisation is possible only +through confidence, so that we can bank our money and go unarmed +about the streets. The bank reserve or a policeman keeping order +in a jostling multitude of people, are only slightly less +impudent bluffs than my uncle's prospectuses. They couldn't for +a moment "make good" if the quarter of what they guarantee was +demanded of them. The whole of this modern mercantile investing +civilisation is indeed such stuff as dreams are made of. A +mass of people swelters and toils, great railway systems grow, +cities arise to the skies and spread wide and far, mines are +opened, factories hum, foundries roar, ships plough the seas, +countries are settled; about this busy striving world the rich +owners go, controlling all, enjoying all, confident and creating +the confidence that draws us all together into a reluctant, +nearly unconscious brotherhood. I wonder and plan my engines. +The flags flutter, the crowds cheer, the legislatures meet. Yet +it seems to me indeed at times that all this present commercial +civilisation is no more than my poor uncle's career writ large, a +swelling, thinning bubble of assurances; that its arithmetic is +just as unsound, its dividends as ill-advised, its ultimate aim +as vague and forgotten; that it all drifts on perhaps to some +tremendous parallel to his individual disaster... + +Well, so it was we Boomed, and for four years and a half we lived +a life of mingled substance and moonshine. Until our particular +unsoundness overtook us we went about in the most magnificent of +motor-cars upon tangible high roads, made ourselves conspicuous +and stately in splendid houses, ate sumptuously and had a +perpetual stream of notes and money trickling into our pockets; +hundreds of thousands of men and women respected us, saluted us +and gave us toil and honour; I asked, and my worksheets rose, my +aeroplanes swooped out of nothingness to scare the downland +pe-wits; my uncle waved his hand and Lady Grove and all its +associations of chivalry and ancient peace were his; waved +again, and architects were busy planning the great palace he +never finished at Crest Hill and an army of folkmen gathered to +do his bidding, blue marble came from Canada, and timber from New +Zealand; and beneath it all, you know, there was nothing but +fictitious values as evanescent as rainbow gold. + +IV + +I pass the Hardingham ever and again and glance aside through the +great archway at the fountain and the ferns, and think of those +receding days when I was so near the centre of our eddy of greed +and enterprise. I see again my uncle's face, white and intent, +and hear him discourse, hear him make consciously Napoleonic +decisions, "grip" his nettles, put his "finger on the spot," +"bluff," say "snap." He became particularly addicted to the last +idiom. Towards the end every conceivable act took the form of +saying "snap!" + +The odd fish that came to us! And among others came +Gordon-Nasmyth, that queer blend of romance and illegality who +was destined to drag me into the most irrelevant adventure in my +life the Mordet Island affair; and leave me, as they say, with +blood upon my hands. It is remarkable how little it troubles my +conscience and how much it stirs my imagination, that particular +memory of the life I took. The story of Mordet Island has been +told in a government report and told all wrong; there are still +excellent reasons for leaving it wrong in places, but the +liveliest appeals of discretion forbid my leaving it out +altogether. + +I've still the vividest memory of Gordon-Nasmyth's appearance in +the inner sanctum, a lank, sunburnt person in tweeds with a +yellow-brown hatchet face and one faded blue eye--the other was +a closed and sunken lid--and how he told us with a stiff +affectation of ease his incredible story of this great heap of +quap that lay abandoned or undiscovered on the beach behind +Mordet's Island among white dead mangroves and the black ooze of +brackish water. + +"What's quap?" said my uncle on the fourth repetition of the +word. + +"They call it quap, or quab, or quabb," said Gordon-Nasmyth; "but +our relations weren't friendly enough to get the accent right.... + +But there the stuff is for the taking. They don't know about it. + +Nobody knows about it. I got down to the damned place in a canoe +alone. The boys wouldn't come. I pretended to be botanising." +... + +To begin with, Gordon-Nasmyth was inclined to be dramatic. + +"Look here," he said when he first came in, shutting the door +rather carefully behind him as he spoke, "do you two men--yes +or no--want to put up six thousand--for--a clear good chance of +fifteen hundred per cent. on your money in a year?" + +"We're always getting chances like that," said my uncle, cocking +his cigar offensively, wiping his glasses and tilting his chair +back. "We stick to a safe twenty." + +Gordon-Nasmyth's quick temper showed in a slight stiffening of +his attitude. + +"Don't you believe him," said I, getting up before he could +reply. "You're different, and I know your books. We're very +glad you've come to us. Confound it, uncle! Its Gordon-Nasmyth! +Sit down. What is it? Minerals?" + +"Quap," said Gordon-Nasmyth, fixing his eye on me, "in heaps." + +"In heaps," said my uncle softly, with his glasses very oblique. + +"You're only fit for the grocery," said Gordon-Nasmyth +scornfully, sitting down and helping himself to one of my uncle's +cigars. "I'm sorry I came. But, still, now I'm here.... And +first as to quap; quap, sir, is the most radio-active stuff in +the world. That's quap! It's a festering mass of earths and +heavy metals, polonium, radium, ythorium, thorium, carium, and +new things, too. There's a stuff called Xk--provisionally. +There they are, mucked up together in a sort of rotting sand. +What it is, how it got made, I don't know. It's like as if some +young creator had been playing about there. There it lies in two +heaps, one small, one great, and the world for miles about it is +blasted and scorched and dead. You can have it for the getting. +You've got to take it--that's all!" + +"That sounds all right," said I. "Have you samples?" + +"Well--should I? You can have anything--up to two ounces." + +"Where is it?"... + +His blue eye smiled at me and scrutinised me. He smoked and was +fragmentary for a time, fending off my questions; then his story +began to piece itself together. He conjured up a vision of this +strange forgotten kink in the world's littoral, of the long +meandering channels that spread and divaricate and spend their +burden of mud and silt within the thunderbelt of Atlantic surf, +of the dense tangled vegetation that creeps into the shimmering +water with root and sucker. He gave a sense of heat and a +perpetual reek of vegetable decay, and told how at last comes a +break among these things, an arena fringed with bone-white dead +trees, a sight of the hard-blue sea line beyond the dazzling +surf and a wide desolation of dirty shingle and mud, bleached and +scarred.... A little way off among charred dead weeds stands the +abandoned station,--abandoned because every man who stayed two +months at that station stayed to die, eaten up mysteriously like +a leper with its dismantled sheds and its decaying pier of +wormrotten and oblique piles and planks, still insecurely +possible. + +And in the midst, two clumsy heaps shaped like the backs of hogs, +one small, one great, sticking out under a rib of rock that cuts +the space across,--quap! + +"There it is," said Gordon-Nasmyth, "worth three pounds an +ounce, if it's worth a penny; two great heaps of it, rotten stuff +and soft, ready to shovel and wheel, and you may get it by the +ton!" + +"How did it get there?" + +"God knows! ... There it is--for the taking! In a country where +you mustn't trade. In a country where the company waits for good +kind men to find it riches and then take 'em away from 'em. +There you have it--derelict." + +"Can't you do any sort of deal?" + +"They're too damned stupid. You've got to go and take it. +That's all." + +"They might catch you." + +"They might, of course. But they're not great at catching." + +We went into the particulars of that difficulty. "They wouldn't +catch me, because I'd sink first. Give me a yacht," said +Gordon-Nasmyth; "that's all I need." + +"But if you get caught," said my uncle. + +I am inclined to think Gordon-Nasmyth imagined we would give him +a cheque for six thousand pounds on the strength of his talk. It +was very good talk, but we didn't do that. I stipulated for +samples of his stuff for analysis, and he consented--reluctantly. + +I think, on the whole, he would rather I didn't examine samples. +He made a motion pocketwards, that gave us an invincible +persuasion that he had a sample upon him, and that at the last +instant he decided not to produce it prematurely. + +There was evidently a curious strain of secretiveness in him. He +didn't like to give us samples, and he wouldn't indicate within +three hundred miles the position of this Mordet Island of his. +He had it clear in his mind that he had a secret of immense +value, and he had no idea at all of just how far he ought to go +with business people. And so presently, to gain time for these +hesitations of his, he began to talk of other things. He talked +very well. He talked of the Dutch East Indies and of the Congo, +of Portuguese East Africa and Paraguay, of Malays and rich +Chinese merchants, Dyaks and negroes and the spread of the +Mahometan world in Africa to-day. And all this time he was +trying to judge if we were good enough to trust with his +adventure. Our cosy inner office became a little place, and all +our business cold and lifeless exploits beside his glimpses of +strange minglings of men, of slayings unavenged and curious +customs, of trade where no writs run, and the dark treacheries of +eastern ports and uncharted channels. + +We had neither of us gone abroad except for a few vulgar raids on +Paris; our world was England, are the places of origin of half +the raw material of the goods we sold had seemed to us as remote +as fairyland or the forest of Arden. But Gordon-Nasmyth made it +so real and intimate for us that afternoon--for me, at any +rate--that it seemed like something seen and forgotten and now +again remembered. + +And in the end he produced his sample, a little lump of muddy +clay speckled with brownish grains, in a glass bottle wrapped +about with lead and flannel--red flannel it was, I remember--a +hue which is, I know, popularly supposed to double all the +mystical efficacies of flannel. + +"Don't carry it about on you," said Gordon-Nasmyth. "It makes +a sore." + +I took the stuff to Thorold, and Thorold had the exquisite agony +of discovering two new elements in what was then a confidential +analysis. He has christened them and published since, but at the +time Gordon-Nasmyth wouldn't hear for a moment of our publication +of any facts at all; indeed, he flew into a violent passion and +abused me mercilessly even for showing the stuff to Thorold. "I +thought you were going to analyse it yourself," he said with the +touching persuasion of the layman that a scientific man knows and +practises at the sciences. + +I made some commercial inquiries, and there seemed even then much +truth in Gordon-Nasmyth's estimate of the value of the stuff. +It was before the days of Capern's discovery of the value of +canadium and his use of it in the Capern filament, but the cerium +and thorium alone were worth the money he extracted for the +gas-mantles then in vogue. There were, however, doubts. Indeed, +there were numerous doubts. What were the limits of the +gas-mantle trade? How much thorium, not to speak of cerium, +could they take at a maximum. Suppose that quantity was high +enough to justify our shipload, came doubts in another quarter. +Were the heaps up to sample? Were they as big as he said? Was +Gordon-Nasmyth--imaginative? And if these values held, could we +after all get the stuff? It wasn't ours. It was on forbidden +ground. You see, there were doubts of every grade and class in +the way of this adventure. + +We went some way, nevertheless, in the discussion of his project, +though I think we tried his patience. Then suddenly he vanished +from London, and I saw no more of him for a year and a half. + +My uncle said that was what he had expected, and when at last +Gordon-Nasmyth reappeared and mentioned in an incidental way +that he had been to Paraguay on private (and we guessed +passionate) affairs, the business of the "quap" expedition had to +be begun again at the beginning. My uncle was disposed to be +altogether sceptical, but I wasn't so decided. I think I was +drawn by its picturesque aspects. But we neither of us dreamt of +touching it seriously until Capern's discovery. + +Nasmyth's story had laid hold of my imagination like one small, +intense picture of tropical sunshine hung on a wall of grey +business affairs. I kept it going during Gordon-Nasmyth's +intermittent appearances in England. Every now and then he and I +would meet and reinforce its effect. We would lunch in London, +or he would cone to see my gliders at Crest Hill, and make new +projects for getting at those heaps again now with me, now alone. + +At times they became a sort of fairy-story with us, an +imaginative exercise. And there came Capern's discovery of what +he called the ideal filament and with it an altogether less +problematical quality about the business side of quap. For the +ideal filament needed five per cent. of canadium, and canadium +was known to the world only as a newly separated constituent of a +variety of the rare mineral rutile. But to Thorold it was better +known as an element in a mysterious sample brought to him by me, +and to me it was known as one of the elements in quap. I told my +uncle, and we jumped on to the process at once. We found that +Gordon-Nasmyth, still unaware of the altered value of the stuff, +and still thinking of the experimental prices of radium and the +rarity value of cerium, had got hold of a cousin named Pollack, +made some extraordinary transaction about his life insurance +policy, and was buying a brig. We put in, put down three +thousand pounds, and forthwith the life insurance transaction and +the Pollack side of this finance vanished into thin air, leaving +Pollack, I regret to say, in the brig and in the secret--except +so far as canadium and the filament went--as residuum. We +discussed earnestly whether we should charter a steamer or go on +with the brig, but we decided on the brig as a less conspicuous +instrument for an enterprise that was after all, to put it +plainly, stealing. + +But that was one of our last enterprises before our great crisis, +and I will tell of it in its place. + +So it was quap came into our affairs, came in as a fairy-tale +and became real. More and more real it grew until at last it was +real, until at last I saw with my eyes the heaps my imagination +had seen for so long, and felt between my fingers again that +half-gritty, half soft texture of quap, like sanded moist-sugar +mixed with clay in which there stirs something-- + +One must feel it to understand. + +V + +All sorts of things came to the Hardingham and offered themselves +to my uncle. Gordon-Nasmyth stands but only because he played a +part at last in the crisis of our fortunes. So much came to us +that it seemed to me at times as though the whole world of human +affairs was ready to prostitute itself to our real and imaginary +millions. As I look back, I am still dazzled and incredulous to +think of the quality of our opportunities. + +We did the most extraordinary things; things that it seems absurd +to me to leave to any casual man of wealth and enterprise who +cares to do them. I had some amazing perceptions of just how +modern thought and the supply of fact to the general mind may be +controlled by money. Among other things that my uncle offered +for, he tried very hard to buy the British Medical Journal and +the Lancet, and run them on what he called modern lines, and +when they resisted him he talked very vigorously for a time of +organising a rival enterprise. That was a very magnificent idea +indeed in its way; it would have given a tremendous advantage in +the handling of innumerable specialties and indeed I scarcely +know how far it would not have put the medical profession in our +grip. It still amazes me--I shall die amazed--that such a thing +can be possible in the modern state. If my uncle failed to bring +the thing off, some one else may succeed. But I doubt, even if +he had got both these weeklies, whether his peculiar style would +have suited them. The change of purpose would have shown. He +would have found it difficult to keep up their dignity. + +He certainly did not keep up the dignity of the Sacred Grove, +an important critical organ which he acquired one day--by saying +"snap"--for eight hundred pounds. He got it "lock, stock and +barrel"--under one or other of which three aspects the editor was +included. Even at that price it didn't pay. If you are a +literary person you will remember the bright new cover he gave +that representative organ of British intellectual culture, and +how his sound business instincts jarred with the exalted +pretensions of a vanishing age. One old wrapper I discovered the +other day runs:-- + + "THE SACRED GROVE." + +Weekly Magazine of Art, Philosophy, Science and + Belles Lettres. +---------------------------------------------- + + HAVE YOU A NASTY TASTE IN YOUR MOUTH? + IT IS LIVER. + + YOU NEED ONE TWENTY-THREE PILL. + + (JUST ONE.) + + NOT A DRUG BUT A LIVE AMERICAN REMEDY. +----------------------------------------------- + + CONTENTS. + +A Hitherto Unpublished Letter from Walter Pater. +Charlotte Bronte's Maternal Great Aunt. +A New Catholic History of England. +The Genius of Shakespeare. +Correspondence:--The Mendelian Hypothesis; The Split Infinitive; + + "Commence," or "Begin;" Claverhouse; Socialism and the + + Individual; The Dignity of Letters. +Folk-lore Gossip. +The Stage; the Paradox of Acting. +Travel Biography, Verse, Fiction, etc. +---------------------------------------------------- + THE BEST PILL IN THE WORLD FOR AN IRREGULAR LIVER + + +I suppose it is some lingering traces of the Bladesover tradition +to me that makes this combination of letters and pills seem so +incongruous, just as I suppose it is a lingering trace of +Plutarch and my ineradicable boyish imagination that at bottom +our State should be wise, sane and dignified, that makes me think +a country which leaves its medical and literary criticism, or +indeed any such vitally important criticism, entirely to private +enterprise and open to the advances of any purchaser must be in a +frankly hopeless condition. These are ideal conceptions of mine. + +As a matter of fact, nothing would be more entirely natural and +representative of the relations of learning, thought and the +economic situation in the world at the present time than this +cover of the Sacred Grove--the quiet conservatism of the one +element embedded in the aggressive brilliance of the other; the +contrasted notes of bold physiological experiment and extreme +mental immobility. + +VI + +There comes back, too, among these Hardingham memories, an +impression of a drizzling November day, and how we looked out of +the windows upon a procession of the London unemployed. + +It was like looking down a well into some momentarily revealed +nether world. Some thousands of needy ineffectual men had been +raked together to trail their spiritless misery through the West +Eire with an appeal that was also in its way a weak and +insubstantial threat: "It is Work we need, not Charity." + +There they were, half-phantom through the fog, a silent, +foot-dragging, interminable, grey procession. They carried wet, +dirty banners, they rattled boxes for pence; these men who had +not said "snap" in the right place, the men who had "snapped" too +eagerly, the men who had never said "snap," the men who had never +had a chance of saying "snap." A shambling, shameful stream they +made, oozing along the street, the gutter waste of competitive +civilisation. And we stood high out of it all, as high as if we +looked godlike from another world, standing in a room beautifully +lit and furnished, skillfully warmed, filled with costly things. + +"There," thought I, "but for the grace of God, go George and +Edward Ponderevo." + +But my uncle's thoughts ran in a different channel, and he made +that vision the test of a spirited but inconclusive harangue upon +Tariff Reform. + + +CHAPTER THE SECOND + +OUR PROGRESS FROM CAMDEN TOWN TO CREST HILL + +I + +So far my history of my aunt and uncle has dealt chiefly with his +industrial and financial exploits. But side by side with that +history of inflation from the infinitesimal to the immense is +another development, the change year by year from the shabby +impecuniosity of the Camden Town lodging to the lavish +munificence of the Crest Hill marble staircase and my aunt's +golden bed, the bed that was facsimiled from Fontainebleau. And +the odd thing is that as I come to this nearer part of my story I +find it much more difficult to tell than the clear little +perspective memories of the earlier days. Impressions crowd upon +one another and overlap one another; I was presently to fall in +love again, to be seized by a passion to which I still faintly +respond, a passion that still clouds my mind. I came and went +between Ealing and my aunt and uncle, and presently between Effie +and clubland, and then between business and a life of research +that became far more continuous, infinitely more consecutive and +memorable than any of these other sets of experiences. I didn't +witness a regular social progress therefore; my aunt and uncle +went up in the world, so far as I was concerned, as if they were +displayed by an early cinematograph, with little jumps and +flickers. + +As I recall this side of our life, the figure of my round-eyes, +button-nosed, pink-and-white Aunt Susan tends always to the +central position. We drove the car and sustained the car, she +sat in it with a magnificent variety of headgear poised upon her +delicate neck, and always with that faint ghost of a lisp no +misspelling can render--commented on and illuminated the new +aspects. + +I've already sketched the little home behind the Wimblehurst +chemist's shop, the lodging near the Cobden statue, and the +apartments in Gower Street. Thence my aunt and uncle went into a +flat in Redgauntlet Mansions. There they lived when I married. +It was a compact flat, with very little for a woman to do in it +In those days my aunt, I think, used to find the time heavy upon +her hands, and so she took to books and reading, and after a time +even to going to lectures in the afternoon. I began to find +unexpected books upon her table: sociological books, travels, +Shaw's plays. "Hullo!" I said, at the sight of some volume of +the latter. + +"I'm keeping a mind, George," she explained. + +"Eh?" + +"Keeping a mind. Dogs I never cared for. It's been a toss-up +between setting up a mind and setting up a soul. It's jolly +lucky for Him and you it's a mind. I've joined the London +Library, and I'm going in for the Royal Institution and every +blessed lecture that comes along next winter. You'd better look +out."... + +And I remember her coming in late one evening with a note-book +in her hand. + +"Where ya been, Susan?" said my uncle. + +"Birkbeck--Physiology. I'm getting on." She sat down and took +off her gloves. "You're just glass to me," she sighed, and then +in a note of grave reproach: "You old PACKAGE! I had no idea! +The Things you've kept from me!" + +Presently they were setting; up the house at Beckengham, and my +aunt intermitted her intellectual activities. The house at +Beckengham was something of an enterprise for them at that time, +a reasonably large place by the standards of the early years of +Tono-Bungay. It was a big, rather gaunt villa, with a +conservatory and a shrubbery, a tennis-lawn, a quite +considerable vegetable garden, and a small disused coach-house. +I had some glimpses of the excitements of its inauguration, but +not many because of the estrangement between my aunt and Marion. + +My aunt went into that house with considerable zest, and my uncle +distinguished himself by the thoroughness with which he did the +repainting and replumbing. He had all the drains up and most of +the garden with them, and stood administrative on +heaps--administrating whisky to the workmen. I found him there +one day, most Napoleonic, on a little Elba of dirt, in an +atmosphere that defies print. He also, I remember, chose what he +considered cheerful contrasts of colours for the painting of the +woodwork. This exasperated my aunt extremely--she called him a +"Pestilential old Splosher" with an unusual note of +earnestness--and he also enraged her into novelties of abuse by +giving each bedroom the name of some favourite hero--Cliff, +Napoleon, Caesar, and so forth--and having it painted on the +door in gilt letters on a black label. "Martin Luther" was kept +for me. Only her respect for domestic discipline, she said, +prevented her retaliating with "Old Pondo" on the housemaid's +cupboard. + +Also he went and ordered one of the completest sets of garden +requisites I have ever seen--and had them all painted a hard +clear blue. My aunt got herself large tins of a kindlier hued +enamel and had everything secretly recoated, and this done, she +found great joy in the garden and became an ardent rose grower +and herbaceous borderer, leaving her Mind, indeed, to damp +evenings and the winter months. When I think of her at +Beckenham, I always think first of her as dressed in that blue +cotton stuff she affected, with her arms in huge gauntleted +gardening gloves, a trowel in one hand and a small but no doubt +hardy and promising annual, limp and very young-looking and +sheepish, in the other. + +Beckenham, in the persons of a vicar, a doctor's wife, and a +large proud lady called Hogberry, "called" on my uncle and aunt +almost at once, so soon in fact as the lawn was down again, and +afterwards my aunt made friends with a quiet gentlewoman next +door, a propos of an overhanging cherry tree and the need of +repairing the party fence. So she resumed her place in society +from which she had fallen with the disaster of Wimblehurst. She +made a partially facetious study of the etiquette of her +position, had cards engraved and retaliated calls. And then she +received a card for one of Mrs. Hogberry's At Homes, gave an old +garden party herself, participated in a bazaar and sale of work, +and was really becoming quite cheerfully entangled in Beckenham +society when she was suddenly taken up by the roots again by my +uncle and transplanted to Chiselhurst. + +"Old Trek, George," she said compactly, "Onward and Up," when I +found her superintending the loading of two big furniture vans. +"Go up and say good-bye to 'Martin Luther,' and then I'll see +what you can do to help me." + +II + +I look into the jumbled stores of the middle distance of memory, +and Beckenham seems to me a quite transitory phase. But really +they were there several years; through nearly all my married +life, in fact, and far longer than the year and odd months we +lived together at Wimblehurst. But the Wimblehurst time with +them is fuller in my memory by far then the Beckenham period. +There comes back to me with a quite considerable amount of +detail the effect of that garden party of my aunt's and of a +little social misbehaviour of which I was guilty on that +occasion. It's like a scrap from another life. It's all set in +what is for me a kind of cutaneous feeling, the feeling of rather +ill-cut city clothes, frock coat and grey trousers, and of a +high collar and tie worn in sunshine among flowers. I have still +a quite vivid memory of the little trapezoidal lawn, of the +gathering, and particularly of the hats and feathers of the +gathering, of the parlour-maid and the blue tea-cups, and of +the magnificent presence of Mrs. Hogberry and of her clear, +resonant voice. It was a voice that would have gone with a +garden party on a larger scale; it went into adjacent premises; +it included the gardener who was far up the vegetable patch and +technically out of play. The only other men were my aunt's +doctor, two of the clergy, amiable contrasted men, and Mrs. +Hogberry's imperfectly grown-up son, a youth just bursting into +collar. The rest were women, except for a young girl or so in a +state of speechless good behaviour. Marion also was there. + +Marion and I had arrived a little estranged, and I remember her +as a silent presence, a shadow across all that sunlit emptiness +of intercourse. We had embittered each other with one of those +miserable little disputes that seemed so unavoidable between us. +She had, with the help of Smithie, dressed rather elaborately for +the occasion, and when she saw me prepared to accompany her in, I +think it was a grey suit, she protested that silk hat and frock +coat were imperative. I was recalcitrant, she quoted an +illustrated paper showing a garden party with the King present, +and finally I capitulated--but after my evil habit, +resentfully.... Eh, dear! those old quarrels, how pitiful they +were, how trivial! And how sorrowful they are to recall! I +think they grow more sorrowful as I grow older, and all the small +passionate reasons for our mutual anger fade and fade out of +memory. + +The impression that Beckenham company has left on my mind is one +of a modest unreality; they were all maintaining a front of +unspecified social pretension, and evading the display of the +economic facts of the case. Most of the husbands were "in +business" off stage, it would have been outrageous to ask what +the business was--and the wives were giving their energies to +produce, with the assistance of novels and the illustrated +magazines, a moralised version of the afternoon life of the +aristocratic class. They hadn't the intellectual or moral +enterprise of the upper-class woman, they had no political +interests, they had no views about anything, and consequently +they were, I remember, extremely difficult to talk to. They all +sat about in the summer-house and in garden-chairs, and were +very hatty and ruffley and sunshady. Three ladies and the curate +played croquet with a general immense gravity, broken by +occasional loud cries of feigned distress from the curate. "Oh! +Whacking me about again! Augh!" + +The dominant social fact that afternoon was Mrs. Hogberry; she +took up a certain position commanding the croquet and went on, as +my aunt said to me in an incidental aside, "like an old +Roundabout." She talked of the way in which Beckenham society +was getting mixed, and turned on to a touching letter she had +recently received from her former nurse at Little Gossdean. +Followed a loud account of Little Gossdean and how much she and +her eight sisters had been looked up to there. "My poor mother +was quite a little Queen there, "she said. "And such NICE +Common people! People say the country labourers are getting +disrespectful nowadays. It isn't so--not if they're properly +treated. Here of course in Beckenham it's different. I won't +call the people we get here a Poor--they're certainly not a +proper Poor. They're Masses. I always tell Mr. Bugshoot they're +Masses, and ought to be treated as such."... + +Dim memories of Mrs. Mackridge floated through my mind as I +listened to her.... + +I was whirled on this roundabout for a bit, and then had the +fortune to fall off into a tete-a-tete with a lady whom my +aunt introduced as Mrs. Mumble--but then she introduced everybody +to me as Mumble that afternoon, either by way of humour or +necessity. + +That must have been one of my earliest essays in the art of +polite conversation, and I remember that I began by criticising +the local railway service, and that at the third sentence or +thereabouts Mrs. Mumble said in a distinctly bright and +encouraging way that she feared I was a very "frivolous" person. + +I wonder now what it was I said that was "frivolous." + +I don't know what happened to end that conversation, or if it had +an end. I remember talking to one of the clergy for a time +rather awkwardly, and being given a sort of topographical history +of Beckenham, which he assured me time after time was "Quite an +old place. Quite an old place." As though I had treated it as +new and he meant to be very patient but very convincing. Then +we hung up in a distinct pause, and my aunt rescued me. +"George," she said in a confidential undertone, "keep the pot +a-boiling." And then audibly, "I say, will you both old trot +about with tea a bit?" + +"Only too delighted to TROT for you, Mrs. Ponderevo," said the +clergyman, becoming fearfully expert and in his elements; "only +too delighted." + +I found we were near a rustic table, and that the housemaid was +behind us in a suitable position to catch us on the rebound with +the tea things. + +"Trot!" repeated the clergyman to me, much amused; "excellent +expression!" And I just saved him from the tray as he turned +about. + +We handed tea for a while.... + +"Give 'em cakes," said my aunt, flushed, but well in hand. +"Helps 'em to talk, George. Always talk best after a little +nourishment. Like throwing a bit of turf down an old geyser." + +She surveyed the gathering with a predominant blue eye and helped +herself to tea. + +"They keep on going stiff," she said in an undertone.... "I've +done my best." + +"It's been a huge success," I said encouragingly. + +"That boy has had his legs crossed in that position and hasn't +spoken for ten minutes. Stiffer and stiffer. Brittle. He's +beginning a dry cough--always a bad sign, George.... Walk 'em +about, shall I?--rub their noses with snow?" + +Happily she didn't. I got myself involved with the gentlewoman +from next door, a pensive, languid-looking little woman with a +low voice, and fell talking; our topic, Cats and Dogs, and which +it was we liked best. + +"I always feel," said the pensive little woman, "that there's +something about a dog-- A cat hasn't got it." + +"Yes," I found myself admitting with great enthusiasm, "there is +something. And yet again--" + +"Oh! I know there's something about a cat, too. But it isn't the +same." + +"Not quite the same," I admitted; "but still it's something." + +"Ah! But such a different something!" + +"More sinuous." + +"Much more." + +"Ever so much more." + +"It makes all the difference, don't you think?" + +"Yes," I said, "ALL." + +She glanced at me gravely and sighed a long, deeply felt "Yes." +A long pause. + +The thing seemed to me to amount to a stale-mate. Fear came into +my heart and much perplexity. + +"The--er--Roses," I said. I felt like a drowning man. "Those +roses--don't you think they are--very beautiful flowers?" + +"Aren't they!" she agreed gently. "There seems to be something +in roses--something--I don't know how to express it." + +"Something," I said helpfully. + +"Yes," she said, "something. Isn't there?" + +"So few people see it," I said; "more's the pity!" + +She sighed and said again very softly, "Yes."... + +There was another long pause. I looked at her and she was +thinking dreamily. The drowning sensation returned, the fear and +enfeeblement. I perceived by a sort of inspiration that her +tea-cup was empty. + +"Let me take your cup," I said abruptly, and, that secured, made +for the table by the summer-house. I had no intention then of +deserting my aunt. But close at hand the big French window of +the drawing-room yawned inviting and suggestive. I can feel all +that temptation now, and particularly the provocation of my +collar. In an instant I was lost. I would--Just for a moment! + +I dashed in, put down the cup on the keys of the grand piano and +fled upstairs, softly, swiftly, three steps at a time, to the +sanctuary of my uncle's study, his snuggery. I arrived there +breathless, convinced there was no return for me. I was very +glad and ashamed of myself, and desperate. By means of a +penknife I contrived to break open his cabinet of cigars, drew a +chair to the window, took off my coat, collar and tie, and +remained smoking guiltily and rebelliously, and peeping through +the blind at the assembly on the lawn until it was altogether +gone.... + +The clergymen, I thought, were wonderful. + +III + +A few such pictures of those early days at Beckenham stand out, +and then I find myself among the Chiselhurst memories. The +Chiselhurst mansion had "grounds" rather than a mere garden, and +there was a gardener's cottage and a little lodge at the gate. +The ascendant movement was always far more in evidence there than +at Beckenham. The velocity was increasing + +One night picks itself out as typical, as, in its way, marking an +epoch. I was there, I think, about some advertisement stuff, on +some sort of business anyhow, and my uncle and aunt had come back +in a fly from a dinner at the Runcorns. (Even there he was +nibbling at Runcorn with the idea of our great Amalgamation +budding in his mind.) I got down there, I suppose, about eleven. +I found the two of them sitting in the study, my aunt on a +chair-arm with a whimsical pensiveness on her face, regarding +my uncle, and he, much extended and very rotund, in the low +arm-chair drawn up to the fender. + +"Look here, George," said my uncle, after my first greetings. "I +just been saying: We aren't Oh Fay!" + +"Eh?" + +"Not Oh Fay! Socially!" + +"Old FLY, he means, George--French!" + +"Oh! Didn't think of French. One never knows where to have him. +What's gone wrong to-night?" + +"I been thinking. It isn't any particular thing. I ate too much +of that fishy stuff at first, like salt frog spawn, and was a bit +confused by olives; and--well, I didn't know which wine was +which. Had to say THAT each time. It puts your talk all +wrong. And she wasn't in evening dress, not like the others. We +can't go on in that style, George--not a proper ad." + +"I'm not sure you were right," I said, "in having a fly." + +"We got to do it all better," said my uncle, "we got to do it in +Style. Smart business, smart men. She tries to pass it off as +humorous"--my aunt pulled a grimace-- "it isn't humorous! See! +We're on the up-grade now, fair and square. We're going to be +big. We aren't going to be laughed at as Poovenoos, see!" + +"Nobody laughed at you," said my aunt. "Old Bladder!" + +"Nobody isn't going to laugh at me," said my uncle, glancing at +his contours and suddenly sitting up. + +My aunt raised her eyebrows slightly, swung her foot, and said +nothing. + +"We aren't keeping pace with our own progress, George. We got +to. We're bumping against new people, and they set up to be +gentlefolks--etiquette dinners and all the rest of it. They give +themselves airs and expect us to be fish-out-of-water. We +aren't going to be. They think we've no Style. Well, we give +them Style for our advertisements, and we're going to give 'em +Style all through.... You needn't be born to it to dance well on +the wires of the Bond Street tradesmen. See?" + +I handed him the cigar-box. + +"Runcorn hadn't cigars like these," he said, truncating one +lovingly. "We beat him at cigars. We'll beat him all round." + +My aunt and I regarded him, full of apprehensions. + +"I got idees," he said darkly to the cigar, deepening our dread. + +He pocketed his cigar-cutter and spoke again. + +"We got to learn all the rotten little game first. See, +F'rinstance, we got to get samples of all the blessed wines there +are--and learn 'em up. Stern, Smoor, Burgundy, all of 'em! She +took Stern to-night--and when she tasted it first--you pulled a +face, Susan, you did. I saw you. It surprised you. You bunched +your nose. We got to get used to wine and not do that. We got +to get used to wearing evening dress--YOU, Susan, too." + +"Always have had a tendency to stick out of my clothes," said my +aunt. "However--Who cares?" She shrugged her shoulders. + +I had never seen my uncle so immensely serious. + +"Got to get the hang of etiquette," he went on to the fire. +"Horses even. Practise everything. Dine every night in evening +dress.... Get a brougham or something. Learn up golf and tennis +and things. Country gentleman. Oh Fay. It isn't only freedom +from Goochery." + +"Eh?" I said. + +"Oh!--Gawshery, if you like!" + +"French, George," said my aunt. "But I'M not ol' Gooch. I made +that face for fun." + +"It isn't only freedom from Gawshery. We got to have Style. +See! Style! Just all right and one better. That's what I call +Style. We can do it, and we will." + +He mumbled his cigar and smoked for a space, leaning forward and +looking into the fire. + +"What is it," he asked, "after all? What is it? Tips about +eating; tips about drinking. Clothes. How to hold yourself, and +not say jes' the few little things they know for certain are +wrong--jes' the shibboleth things." + +He was silent again, and the cigar crept up from the horizontal +towards the zenith as the confidence of his mouth increased. + +"Learn the whole bag of tricks in six months." he said, +becoming more cheerful. "Ah, Susan? Beat it out! George, you +in particular ought to get hold of it. Ought to get into a good +club, and all that." + +"Always ready to learn!" I said. "Ever since you gave me the +chance of Latin. So far we don't seem to have hit upon any +Latin-speaking stratum in the population." + +"We've come to French," said my aunt, "anyhow." + +"It's a very useful language," said my uncle. "Put a point on +things. Zzzz. As for accent, no Englishman has an accent. No +Englishman pronounces French properly. Don't you tell ME. +It's a Bluff.--It's all a Bluff. Life's a Bluff--practically. +That's why it's so important, Susan, for us to attend to Style. +Le Steel Say Lum. The Style it's the man. Whad you laughing at, +Susan? George, you're not smoking. These cigars are good for +the mind.... What do YOU think of it all? We got to adapt +ourselves. We have--so far.... Not going to be beat by these +silly things." + +IV + +"What do you think of it, George?" he insisted. + +What I said I thought of it I don't now recall. Only I have very +distinctly the impression of meeting for a moment my aunt's +impenetrable eye. And anyhow he started in with his accustomed +energy to rape the mysteries of the Costly Life, and become the +calmest of its lords. On the whole, I think he did +it--thoroughly. I have crowded memories, a little difficult to +disentangle, of his experimental stages, his experimental +proceedings. It's hard at times to say which memory comes in +front of which. I recall him as presenting on the whole a series +of small surprises, as being again and again, unexpectedly, a +little more self-confident, a little more polished, a little +richer and finer, a little more aware of the positions and values +of things and men. + +There was a time--it must have been very early--when I saw him +deeply impressed by the splendours of the dining-room of the +National Liberal Club. Heaven knows who our host was or what +that particular little "feed" was about now!--all that sticks is +the impression of our straggling entry, a string of six or seven +guests, and my uncle looking about him at the numerous bright +red-shaded tables, at the exotics in great Majolica jars, at the +shining ceramic columns and pilasters, at the impressive +portraits of Liberal statesmen and heroes, and all that +contributes to the ensemble of that palatial spectacle. He was +betrayed into a whisper to me, "This is all Right, George!" he +said. That artless comment seems almost incredible as I set it +down; there came a time so speedily when not even the clubs of +New York could have overawed my uncle, and when he could walk +through the bowing magnificence of the Royal Grand Hotel to his +chosen table in that aggressively exquisite gallery upon the +river, with all the easy calm of one of earth's legitimate kings. + +The two of them learnt the new game rapidly and well; they +experimented abroad, they experimented at home. At Chiselhurst, +with the aid of a new, very costly, but highly instructive cook, +they tried over everything they heard of that roused their +curiosity and had any reputation for difficulty, from asparagus +to plover's eggs. They afterwards got a gardener who could wait +at table--and he brought the soil home to one. Then there came a +butler. + +I remember my aunt's first dinner-gown very brightly, and how +she stood before the fire in the drawing-room confessing once +unsuspected pretty arms with all the courage she possessed, and +looking over her shoulder at herself in a mirror. + +"A ham," she remarked reflectively, "must feel like this. Just a +necklace."... + +I attempted, I think, some commonplace compliment. + +My uncle appeared at the door in a white waistcoat and with his +hands in his trouser pockets; he halted and surveyed her +critically. + +"Couldn't tell you from a duchess, Susan," he remarked. "I'd +like to have you painted, standin' at the fire like that. +Sargent! You look--spirited, somehow. Lord!--I wish some of +those damned tradesmen at Wimblehurst could see you."... + +They did a lot of week-ending at hotels, and sometimes I went +down with them. We seemed to fall into a vast drifting +crowd of social learners. I don't know whether it is due simply +to my changed circumstances, but it seems to me there have been +immensely disproportionate developments of the hotel-frequenting +and restaurant-using population during the last twenty years. +It is not only, I think, that there are crowds of people who, +like we were, are in the economically ascendant phase, but whole +masses of the prosperous section of the population must be +altering its habits, giving up high-tea for dinner and taking to +evening dress, using the week-end hotels as a practise-ground +for these new social arts. A swift and systematic conversion to +gentility has been going on, I am convinced, throughout the whole +commercial upper-middle class since I was twenty-one. Curiously +mixed was the personal quality of the people one saw in these +raids. There were conscientiously refined and low-voiced people +reeking with proud bashfulness; there were aggressively smart +people using pet diminutives for each other loudly and seeking +fresh occasions for brilliant rudeness; there were awkward +husbands and wives quarrelling furtively about their manners and +ill at ease under the eye of the winter; cheerfully amiable and +often discrepant couples with a disposition to inconspicuous +corners, and the jolly sort, affecting an unaffected ease; plump +happy ladies who laughed too loud, and gentlemen in evening +dress who subsequently "got their pipes." And nobody, you knew, +was anybody, however expensively they dressed and whatever rooms +they took. + +I look back now with a curious remoteness of spirit to those +crowded dining-rooms with their dispersed tables and their +inevitable red-shaded lights and the unsympathetic, unskillful +waiters, and the choice of "Thig or Glear, Sir?" I've not dined +in that way, in that sort of place, now for five years--it must +be quite five years, so specialised and narrow is my life +becoming. + +My uncle's earlier motor-car phases work in with these +associations, and there stands out a little bright vignette of +the hall of the Magnificent, Bexhill-on-Sea, and people dressed +for dinner and sitting about amidst the scarlet furniture--satin +and white-enameled woodwork until the gong should gather them; +and my aunt is there, very marvelously wrapped about in a dust +cloak and a cage-like veil, and there are hotel porters and +under-porters very alert, and an obsequious manager; and the +tall young lady in black from the office is surprised into +admiration, and in the middle of the picture is my uncle, making +his first appearance in that Esquimaux costume I have already +mentioned, a short figure, compactly immense, hugely goggled, +wearing a sort of brown rubber proboscis, and surmounted by a +table-land of motoring cap. + +V + +So it was we recognised our new needs as fresh invaders of the +upper levels of the social system, and set ourselves quite +consciously to the acquisition of Style and Savoir Faire. We +became part of what is nowadays quite an important element in the +confusion of our world, that multitude of economically ascendant +people who are learning how to spend money. It is made up of +financial people, the owners of the businesses that are eating up +their competitors, inventors of new sources of wealth, such as +ourselves; it includes nearly all America as one sees it on the +European stage. It is a various multitude having only this in +common: they are all moving, and particularly their womankind are +moving, from conditions in which means were insistently finite, +things were few, and customs simple, towards a limitless +expenditure and the sphere of attraction of Bond Street, Fifth +Avenue, and Paris. Their general effect is one of progressive +revolution, of limitless rope. + +They discover suddenly indulgences their moral code never foresaw +and has no provision for, elaborations, ornaments, possessions +beyond their wildest dreams. With an immense astonished zest +they begin shopping begin a systematic adaptation to a new life +crowded and brilliant with things shopped, with jewels, maids, +butlers, coachmen, electric broughams, hired town and country +houses. They plunge into it as one plunges into a career; as a +class, they talk, think, and dream possessions. Their +literature, their Press, turns all on that; immense illustrated +weeklies of unsurpassed magnificence guide them in domestic +architecture, in the art of owning a garden, in the achievement +of the sumptuous in motor-cars, in an elaborate sporting +equipment, in the purchase and control of their estates, in +travel and stupendous hotels. Once they begin to move they go +far and fast. Acquisition becomes the substance of their lives. +They find a world organised to gratify that passion. In a brief +year or so they are connoisseurs. They join in the plunder of +the eighteenth century, buy rare old books, fine old pictures, +good old furniture. Their first crude conception of dazzling +suites of the newly perfect is replaced almost from the outset by +a jackdaw dream of accumulating costly discrepant old things. + +I seem to remember my uncle taking to shopping quite suddenly. +In the Beckenham days and in the early Chiselhurst days he was +chiefly interested in getting money, and except for his onslaught +on the Beckenham house, bothered very little about his personal +surroundings and possessions. I forget now when the change came +and he began to spend. Some accident must have revealed to him +this new source of power, or some subtle shifting occurred in the +tissues of his brain. He began to spend and "shop." So soon as +he began to shop, he began to shop violently. He began buying +pictures, and then, oddly enough, old clocks. For the +Chiselhurst house he bought nearly a dozen grandfather clocks and +three copper warming pans. After that he bought much furniture. +Then he plunged into art patronage, and began to commission +pictures and to make presents to churches and institutions. His +buying increased with a regular acceleration. Its development +was a part of the mental changes that came to him in the wild +excitements of the last four years of his ascent. Towards the +climax he was a furious spender; he shopped with large unexpected +purchases, he shopped like a mind seeking expression, he shopped +to astonish and dismay; shopped crescendo, shopped fortissimo, +con molto espressione until the magnificent smash of Crest Hill +eroded his shopping for ever. Always it was he who shopped. My +aunt did not shine as a purchaser. It is a curious thing, due to +I know not what fine strain in her composition, that my aunt +never set any great store upon possessions. She plunged through +that crowded bazaar of Vanity Fair during those feverish years, +spending no doubt freely and largely, but spending with +detachment and a touch of humorous contempt for the things, even +the "old" things, that money can buy. It came to me suddenly one +afternoon just how detached she was, as I saw her going towards +the Hardingham, sitting up, as she always did, rather stiffly in +her electric brougham, regarding the glittering world with +interested and ironically innocent blue eyes from under the brim +of a hat that defied comment. "No one," I thought, "would sit so +apart if she hadn't dreams--and what are her dreams?" + +I'd never thought. + +And I remember, too, an outburst of scornful description after +she had lunched with a party of women at the Imperial Cosmic +Club. She came round to my rooms on the chance of finding me +there, and I gave her tea. She professed herself tired and +cross, and flung herself into my chair.... + +"George," she cried, " the Things women are! Do _I_ stink of +money?" + +"Lunching?" I asked. + +She nodded. + +"Plutocratic ladies?" + +"Yes." + +"Oriental type?" + +"Oh! Like a burst hareem!... Bragging of possessions.... They +feel you. They feel your clothes, George, to see if they are +good!" + +I soothed her as well as I could. "They ARE Good aren't they?" +I said. + +"It's the old pawnshop in their blood," she said, drinking tea; +and then in infinite disgust, "They run their hands over your +clothes--they paw you." + +I had a moment of doubt whether perhaps she had not been +discovered in possession of unsuspected forgeries. I don't +know. After that my eyes were quickened, and I began to see for +myself women running their hands over other women's furs, +scrutinising their lace, even demanding to handle jewelry, +appraising, envying, testing. They have a kind of etiquette. +The woman who feels says, "What beautiful sables?" "What lovely +lace?" The woman felt admits proudly: "It's Real, you know," or +disavows pretension modestly and hastily, "It's Rot Good." In +each other's houses they peer at the pictures, handle the selvage +of hangings, look at the bottoms of china.... + +I wonder if it IS the old pawnshop in the blood. + +I doubt if Lady Drew and the Olympians did that sort of thing, +but here I may be only clinging to another of my former +illusions about aristocracy and the State. Perhaps always +possessions have been Booty, and never anywhere has there been +such a thing as house and furnishings native and natural to the +women and men who made use of them.... + +VI + +For me, at least, it marked an epoch in my uncle's career when I +learnt one day that he had "shopped" Lady Grove. I realised a +fresh, wide, unpreluded step. He took me by surprise with the +sudden change of scale from such portable possessions as jewels +and motor-cars to a stretch of countryside. The transaction was +Napoleonic; he was told of the place; he said "snap"; there were +no preliminary desirings or searchings. Then he came home and +said what he had done. Even my aunt was for a day or so +measurably awestricken by this exploit in purchase, and we both +went down with him to see the house in a mood near consternation. +It struck us then as a very lordly place indeed. I remember the +three of us standing on the terrace that looked westward, +surveying the sky-reflecting windows of the house, and a feeling +of unwarrantable intrusion comes back to me. + +Lady Grove, you know, is a very beautiful house indeed, a still +and gracious place, whose age-long seclusion was only +effectively broken with the toot of the coming of the motor-car. +An old Catholic family had died out in it, century by century, +and was now altogether dead. Portions of the fabric are +thirteenth century, and its last architectural revision was +Tudor; within, it is for the most part dark and chilly, save for +two or three favoured rooms and its tall-windowed, oak-galleried +hall. Its terrace is its noblest feature; a very wide, broad +lawn it is, bordered by a low stone battlement, and there is a +great cedar in one corner under whose level branches one looks +out across the blue distances of the Weald, blue distances that +are made extraordinarily Italian in quality by virtue of the +dark masses of that single tree. It is a very high terrace; +southward one looks down upon the tops of wayfaring trees and +spruces, and westward on a steep slope of beechwood, through +which the road comes. One turns back to the still old house, and +sees a grey and lichenous facade with a very finely arched +entrance. It was warmed by the afternoon light and touched with +the colour of a few neglected roses and a pyracanthus. It seemed +to me that the most modern owner conceivable in this serene fine +place was some bearded scholarly man in a black cassock, +gentle-voiced and white-handed, or some very soft-robed, grey +gentlewoman. And there was my uncle holding his goggles in a +sealskin glove, wiping the glass with a pocket-handkerchief, and +asking my aunt if Lady Grove wasn't a "Bit of all Right." + +My aunt made him no answer. + +"The man who built this," I speculated, "wore armour and carried +a sword." + +"There's some of it inside still," said my uncle. + +We went inside. An old woman with very white hair was in charge +of the place and cringed rather obviously to the new master. She +evidently found him a very strange and frightful apparition +indeed, and was dreadfully afraid of him. But if the surviving +present bowed down to us, the past did not. We stood up to the +dark, long portraits of the extinguished race--one was a +Holbein--and looked them in their sidelong eyes. They looked +back at us. We all, I know, felt the enigmatical quality in +them. Even my uncle was momentarily embarrassed, I think, by +that invincibly self-complacent expression. It was just as +though, after all, he had not bought them up and replaced them +altogether; as though that, secretly, they knew better and could +smile at him. + +The spirit of the place was akin to Bladesover, but touched with +something older and remoter. That armour that stood about had +once served in tilt-yards, if indeed it had not served in +battle, and this family had sent its blood and treasure, time +after time, upon the most romantic quest in history, to +Palestine. Dreams, loyalties, place and honour, how utterly had +it all evaporated, leaving, at last, the final expression of its +spirit, these quaint painted smiles, these smiles of triumphant +completion! It had evaporated, indeed, long before the ultimate +Durgan had died, and in his old age he had cumbered the place +with Early Victorian cushions and carpets and tapestry +table-cloths and invalid appliances of a type even more extinct, +it seemed to us, than the crusades.... Yes, it was different +from Bladesover. + +"Bit stuffy, George," said my uncle. "They hadn't much idea of +ventilation when this was built." + +One of the panelled rooms was half-filled with presses and a +four-poster bed. "Might be the ghost room," said my uncle; but +it did not seem to me that so retiring a family as the Durgans, +so old and completely exhausted a family as the Durgans, was +likely to haunt anybody. What living thing now had any concern +with their honour and judgments and good and evil deeds? Ghosts +and witchcraft were a later innovation--that fashion came from +Scotland with the Stuarts. + +Afterwards, prying for epitaphs, we found a marble crusader with +a broken nose, under a battered canopy of fretted stone, outside +the restricted limits of the present Duffield church, and half +buried in nettles. "Ichabod," said my uncle. "Eh? We shall be +like that, Susan, some day.... I'm going to clean him up a bit +and put a railing to keep off the children." + +"Old saved at the eleventh hour," said my aunt, quoting one of +the less successful advertisements of Tono-Bungay. + +But I don't think my uncle heard her. + +It was by our captured crusader that the vicar found us. He came +round the corner at us briskly, a little out of breath. He had +an air of having been running after us since the first toot of +our horn had warned the village of our presence. He was an +Oxford man, clean-shaven, with a cadaverous complexion and a +guardedly respectful manner, a cultivated intonation, and a +general air of accommodation to the new order of things. These +Oxford men are the Greeks of our plutocratic empire. He was a +Tory in spirit, and what one may call an adapted Tory by stress +of circumstances; that is to say, he was no longer a legitimist; +he was prepared for the substitution of new lords for old. We +were pill vendors he knew, and no doubt horribly vulgar in soul; +but then it might have been some polygamous Indian rajah, a +great strain on a good man's tact, or some Jew with an inherited +expression of contempt. Anyhow, we were English, and neither +Dissenters nor Socialists, and he was cheerfully prepared to do +what he could to make gentlemen of both of us. He might have +preferred Americans for some reasons; they are not so obviously +taken from one part of the social system and dumped down in +another, and they are more teachable; but in this world we cannot +always be choosers. So he was very bright and pleasant with us, +showed us the church, gossiped informingly about our neighbours +on the countryside--Tux, the banker; Lord Boom, the magazine and +newspaper proprietor; Lord Carnaby, that great sportsman, and old +Lady Osprey. And finally he took us by way of a village +lane--three children bobbed convulsively with eyes of terror for +my uncle--through a meticulous garden to a big, slovenly Vicarage +with faded Victorian furniture and a faded Victorian wife, who +gave us tea and introduced us to a confusing family dispersed +among a lot of disintegrating basket chairs upon the edge of a +well-used tennis lawn. + +These people interested me. They were a common type, no doubt, +but they were new to me. There were two lank sons who had been +playing singles at tennis, red-eared youths growing black +moustaches, and dressed in conscientiously untidy tweeds and +unbuttoned and ungirt Norfolk jackets. There were a number of +ill-nourished-looking daughters, sensible and economical in their +costume, the younger still with long, brown-stockinged legs, and +the eldest present--there were, we discovered, one or two hidden +away--displaying a large gold cross and other aggressive +ecclesiastical symbols; there were two or three fox-terriers, a +retrieverish mongrel, and an old, bloody-eyed and very +evil-smelling St. Bernard. There was a jackdaw. There was, +moreover, an ambiguous, silent lady that my aunt subsequently +decided must be a very deaf paying guest. Two or three other +people had concealed themselves at our coming and left unfinished +teas behind them. Rugs and cushions lay among the chairs, and +two of the latter were, I noted, covered with Union Jacks. + +The vicar introduced us sketchily, and the faded Victorian wife +regarded my aunt with a mixture of conventional scorn and abject +respect, and talked to her in a languid, persistent voice about +people in the neighbourhood whom my aunt could not possibly know. + +My aunt received these personalia cheerfully, with her blue eyes +flitting from point to point, and coming back again and again to +the pinched faces of the daughters and the cross upon the +eldest's breast. Encouraged by my aunt's manner, the vicar's +wife grew patronising and kindly, and made it evident that she +could do much to bridge the social gulf between ourselves and the +people of family about us. + +I had just snatches of that conversation. "Mrs. Merridew brought +him quite a lot of money. Her father, I believe, had been in the +Spanish wine trade--quite a lady though. And after that he fell +off his horse and cracked his brain pan and took to fishing and +farming. I'm sure you'll like to know them. He's most +amusing.... The daughter had a disappointment and went to China +as a missionary and got mixed up in a massacre."... + +"The most beautiful silks and things she brought back, you'd +hardly believe!" + +"Yes, they gave them to propitiate her. You see, they didn't +understand the difference, and they thought that as they'd been +massacring people, THEY'D be massacred. They didn't understand +the difference Christianity makes."... + +"Seven bishops they've had in the family!" + +"Married a Papist and was quite lost to them."... + +"He failed some dreadful examination and had to go into the +militia."... + +"So she bit his leg as hard as ever she could and he let go."... + +"Had four of his ribs amputated."... + +"Caught meningitis and was carried off in a week." + +"Had to have a large piece of silver tube let into his throat, +and if he wants to talk he puts his finger on it. It makes him +so interesting, I think. You feel he's sincere somehow. A most +charming man in every way." + +"Preserved them both in spirits very luckily, and there they are +in his study, though of course he doesn't show them to +everybody." + +The silent lady, unperturbed by these apparently exciting +topics, scrutinised my aunt's costume with a singular intensity, +and was visibly moved when she unbuttoned her dust cloak and +flung it wide. Meanwhile we men conversed, one of the more +spirited daughters listened brightly, and the youths lay on the +grass at our feet. My uncle offered them cigars, but they both +declined,--out of bashfulness, it seemed to me, whereas the +vicar, I think, accepted out of tact. When we were not looking +at them directly, these young men would kick each other +furtively. + +Under the influence of my uncle's cigar, the vicar's mind had +soared beyond the limits of the district. "This Socialism," he +said, "seems making great headway." + +My uncle shook his head. "We're too individualistic in this +country for that sort of nonsense," he said "Everybody's business +is nobody's business. That's where they go wrong." + +"They have some intelligent people in their ranks, I am told," +said the vicar, "writers and so forth. Quite a distinguished +playwright, my eldest daughter was telling me--I forget his name. + +Milly, dear! Oh! she's not here. Painters, too, they have. +This Socialist, it seems to me, is part of the Unrest of the +Age.... But, as you say, the spirit of the people is against it. +In the country, at any rate. The people down here are too +sturdily independent in their small way--and too sensible +altogether."... + +"It's a great thing for Duffield to have Lady Grove occupied +again," he was saying when my wandering attention came back from +some attractive casualty in his wife's discourse. "People have +always looked up to the house and considering all things, old Mr. +Durgan really was extraordinarily good--extraordinarily good. +You intend to give us a good deal of your time here, I hope." + +"I mean to do my duty by the Parish," said my uncle. + +"I'm sincerely glad to hear it--sincerely. We've missed--the +house influence. An English village isn't complete--People get +out of hand. Life grows dull. The young people drift away to +London." + +He enjoyed his cigar gingerly for a moment. + +"We shall look to you to liven things up," he said, poor man! + +My uncle cocked his cigar and removed it from his mouth. + +"What you think the place wants?" he asked. + +He did not wait for an answer. "I been thinking while you been +talking--things one might do. Cricket--a good English +game--sports. Build the chaps a pavilion perhaps. Then every +village ought to have a miniature rifle range." + +"Ye-ees," said the vicar. "Provided, of course, there isn't a +constant popping."... + +"Manage that all right," said my uncle. "Thing'd be a sort of +long shed. Paint it red. British colour. Then there's a Union +Jack for the church and the village school. Paint the school +red, too, p'raps. Not enough colour about now. Too grey. Then +a maypole." + +"How far our people would take up that sort of thing--" began the +vicar. + +"I'm all for getting that good old English spirit back again," +said my uncle. "Merrymakings. Lads and lasses dancing on the +village green. Harvest home. Fairings. Yule Log--all the rest +of it." + +"How would old Sally Glue do for a May Queen?" asked one of the +sons in the slight pause that followed. + +"Or Annie Glassbound?" said the other, with the huge virile +guffaw of a young man whose voice has only recently broken. + +"Sally Glue is eighty-five," explained the vicar, "and Annie +Glassbound is well--a young lady of extremely generous +proportions. And not quite right, you know. Not quite +right--here." He tapped his brow. + +"Generous proportions!" said the eldest son, and the guffaws were +renewed. + +"You see," said the vicar, "all the brisker girls go into service +in or near London. The life of excitement attracts them. And no +doubt the higher wages have something to do with it. And the +liberty to wear finery. And generally--freedom from restraint. +So that there might be a little diffculty perhaps to find a May +Queen here just at present who was really young and er-- +pretty.... Of course I couldn't think of any of my girls--or +anything of that sort." + +"We got to attract 'em back," said my uncle. "That's what I feel +about it. We got to Buck-Up the country. The English country is +a going concern still; just as the Established Church--if you'll +excuse me saying it, is a going concern. Just as Oxford is--or +Cambridge. Or any of those old, fine old things. Only it wants +fresh capital, fresh idees and fresh methods. Light railways, +f'rinstance--scientific use of drainage. Wire fencing +machinery--all that." + +The vicar's face for one moment betrayed dismay. Perhaps he was +thinking of his country walks amids the hawthorns and +honeysuckle. + +"There's great things," said my uncle, "to be done on Mod'un +lines with Village Jam and Pickles--boiled in the country." + +It was the reverberation of this last sentence in my mind, I +think, that sharpened my sentimental sympathy as we went through +the straggling village street and across the trim green on our +way back to London. It seemed that afternoon the most tranquil +and idyllic collection of creeper-sheltered homes you can +imagine; thatch still lingered on a whitewashed cottage or two, +pyracanthus, wall-flowers, and daffodils abounded, and an +unsystematic orchard or so was white with blossom above and gay +with bulbs below. I noted a row of straw beehives, +beehive-shaped, beehives of the type long since condemned as +inefficient by all progressive minds, and in the doctor's acre of +grass a flock of two whole sheep was grazing,--no doubt he'd +taken them on account. Two men and one old woman made gestures +of abject vassalage, and my uncle replied with a lordly gesture +of his great motoring glove.... + +"England's full of Bits like this," said my uncle, leaning over +the front seat and looking back with great satisfaction. The +black glare of his goggles rested for a time on the receding +turrets of Lady Grove just peeping over the trees. + +"I shall have a flagstaff, I think," he considered. "Then one +could show when one is in residence. The villagers will like to +know."... + +I reflected. "They will" I said. "They're used to liking to +know."... + +My aunt had been unusually silent. Suddenly she spoke. "He says +Snap," she remarked; "he buys that place. And a nice old job of +Housekeeping he gives me! He sails through the village swelling +like an old turkey. And who'll have to scoot the butler? Me! +Who's got to forget all she ever knew and start again? Me! +Who's got to trek from Chiselhurst and be a great lady? Me! ... +You old Bother! Just when I was settling down and beginning to +feel at home." + +My uncle turned his goggles to her. "Ah! THIS time it is home, +Susan.... We got there." + +VII + +It seems to me now but a step from the buying of Lady Grove to +the beginning of Crest Hill, from the days when the former was a +stupendous achievement to the days when it was too small and dark +and inconvenient altogether for a great financier's use. For me +that was a period of increasing detachment from our business and +the great world of London; I saw it more and more in broken +glimpses, and sometimes I was working in my little pavilion above +Lady Grove for a fortnight together; even when I came up it was +often solely for a meeting of the aeronautical society or for one +of the learned societies or to consult literature or employ +searchers or some such special business. For my uncle it was a +period of stupendous inflation. Each time I met him I found him +more confident, more comprehensive, more consciously a factor in +great affairs. Soon he was no longer an associate of merely +business men; he was big enough for the attentions of greater +powers. + +I grew used to discovering some item of personal news about him +in my evening paper, or to the sight of a full-page portrait of +him in a sixpenny magazine. Usually the news was of some +munificent act, some romantic piece of buying or giving or some +fresh rumour of reconstruction. He saved, you will remember, the +Parbury Reynolds for the country. Or at times, it would be an +interview or my uncle's contribution to some symposium on the +"Secret of Success," or such-like topic. Or wonderful tales of +his power of work, of his wonderful organisation to get things +done, of his instant decisions and remarkable power of judging +his fellow-men. They repeated his great mot: "Eight hour +working day--I want eighty hours!" + +He became modestly but resolutely "public." They cartooned him +in Vanity Fair. One year my aunt, looking indeed a very +gracious, slender lady, faced the portrait of the King in the +great room at Burlington House, and the next year saw a medallion +of my uncle by Ewart, looking out upon the world, proud and +imperial, but on the whole a trifle too prominently convex, from +the walls of the New Gallery. + +I shared only intermittently in his social experiences. People +knew of me, it is true, and many of them sought to make through +me a sort of flank attack upon him, and there was a legend, +owing, very unreasonably, partly to my growing scientific +reputation and partly to an element of reserve in my manner, that +I played a much larger share in planning his operations than was +actually the case. This led to one or two very intimate private +dinners, to my inclusion in one or two house parties and various +odd offers of introductions and services that I didn't for the +most part accept. Among other people who sought me in this way +was Archie Garvell, now a smart, impecunious soldier of no +particular distinction, who would, I think, have been quite +prepared to develop any sporting instincts I possessed, and who +was beautifully unaware of our former contact. He was always +offering me winners; no doubt in a spirit of anticipatory +exchange for some really good thing in our more scientific and +certain method of getting something for nothing.... + +In spite of my preoccupation with my experiments, work, I did, I +find now that I come to ransack my impressions, see a great deal +of the great world during those eventful years; I had a near view +of the machinery by which an astounding Empire is run, rubbed +shoulders and exchanged experiences with bishops and statesmen, +political women and women who were not political, physicians and +soldiers, artists and authors, the directors of great journals, +philanthropists and all sorts of eminent, significant people. I +saw the statesmen without their orders and the bishops with but a +little purple silk left over from their canonicals, inhaling, not +incensen but cigar smoke. I could look at them all the better +because, for the most part, they were not looking at me but at my +uncle, and calculating consciously or unconsciously how they +might use him and assimilate him to their system, the most +unpremeditated, subtle, successful and aimless plutocracy that +ever encumbered the destinies of mankind. Not one of them, so +far as I could see, until disaster overtook him, resented his +lies, his almost naked dishonesty of method, the disorderly +disturbance of this trade and that, caused by his spasmodic +operations. I can see them now about him, see them polite, +watchful, various; his stiff compact little figure always a +centre of attention, his wiry hair, his brief nose, his +under-lip, electric with self-confidence. Wandering marginally +through distinguished gatherings, I would catch the +whispers: "That's Mr. Ponderevo!" + +"The little man?" + +"Yes, the little bounder with the glasses." + +"They say he's made--"... + +Or I would see him on some parterre of a platform beside my +aunt's hurraying hat, amidst titles and costumes, "holding his +end up," as he would say, subscribing heavily to obvious +charities, even at times making brief convulsive speeches in some +good cause before the most exalted audiences. "Mr. Chairman, +your Royal Highness, my Lords, Ladies and Gentlemen,"`he would +begin amidst subsiding applause and adjust those obstinate +glasses and thrust back the wings of his frock-coat and rest his +hands upon his hips and speak his fragment with ever and again an +incidental Zzzz. His hands would fret about him as he spoke, +fiddle his glasses, feel in his waistcoat pockets; ever and again +he would rise slowly to his toes as a sentence unwound jerkily +like a clockwork snake, and drop back on his heels at the end. +They were the very gestures of our first encounter when he had +stood before the empty fireplace in his minute draped parlour and +talked of my future to my mother. + +In those measurelessly long hot afternoons in the little shop at +Wimblehurst he had talked and dreamt of the Romance of Modern +Commerce. Here, surely, was his romance come true. + +VIII + +People say that my uncle lost his head at the crest of his +fortunes, but if one may tell so much truth of a man one has in a +manner loved, he never had very much head to lose. He was always +imaginative, erratic, inconsistent, recklessly inexact, and his +inundation of wealth merely gave him scope for these qualities. +It is true, indeed, that towards the climax he became intensely +irritable at times and impatient of contradiction, but that, I +think, was rather the gnawing uneasiness of sanity than any +mental disturbance. But I find it hard either to judge him or +convey the full development of him to the reader. I saw too much +of him; my memory is choked with disarranged moods and aspects. +Now he is distended with megalomania, now he is deflated, now he +is quarrelsome, now impenetrably self-satisfied, but always he +is sudden, jerky, fragmentary, energetic, and--in some subtle +fundamental way that I find difficult to define--absurd. + +There stands out--because of the tranquil beauty of its setting +perhaps--a talk we had in the veranda of the little pavilion near +my worksheds behind Crest Hill in which my aeroplanes and +navigable balloons were housed. It was one of many similar +conversations, and I do not know why it in particular should +survive its fellows. It happens so. He had come up to me after +his coffee to consult me about a certain chalice which in a +moment of splendour and under the importunity of a countess he +had determined to give to a deserving church in the east-end. +I, in a moment of even rasher generosity, had suggested Ewart as +a possible artist. Ewart had produced at once an admirable sketch +for the sacred vessel surrounded by a sort of wreath of Millies +with open arms and wings and had drawn fifty pounds on the +strength of it. After that came a series of vexatious delays. +The chalice became less and less of a commercial man's chalice, +acquired more and more the elusive quality of the Holy Grail, and +at last even the drawing receded. + +My uncle grew restive...."You see, George, they'll begin to want +the blasted thing!" + +"What blasted thing?" + +"That chalice, damn it! They're beginning to ask questions. It +isn't Business, George." + +"It's art," I protested, "and religion." + +"That's all very well. But it's not a good ad for us, George, to +make a promise and not deliver the goods.... I'll have to write +off your friend Ewart as a bad debt, that's what it comes to, and +go to a decent firm."... + +We sat outside on deck chairs in the veranda of the pavilion, +smoked, drank whisky, and, the chalice disposed of, meditated. +His temporary annoyance passed. It was an altogether splendid +summer night, following a blazing, indolent day. Full moonlight +brought out dimly the lines of the receding hills, one wave +beyond another; far beyond were the pin-point lights of +Leatherhead, and in the foreground the little stage from which I +used to start upon my gliders gleamed like wet steel. The season +must have been high June, for down in the woods that hid the +lights of the Lady Grove windows, I remember the nightingales +thrilled and gurgled.... + +"We got here, George," said my uncle, ending a long pause. +"Didn't I say?" + +"Say!--when?" I asked. + +"In that hole in the To'nem Court Road, eh? It's been a Straight +Square Fight, and here we are!" + +I nodded. + +"'Member me telling you--Tono-Bungay?.... Well.... I'd just that +afternoon thought of it!" + +"I've fancied at times;" I admitted. + +"It's a great world, George, nowadays, with a fair chance for +every one who lays hold of things. The career ouvert to the +Talons--eh? Tono-Bungay. Think of it! It's a great world and a +growing world, and I'm glad we're in it--and getting a pull. +We're getting big people, George. Things come to us. Eh? This +Palestine thing."... + +He meditated for a time and Zzzzed softly. Then he became still. + +His theme was taken up by a cricket in the grass until he himself +was ready to resume it. The cricket too seemed to fancy that in +some scheme of its own it had got there. "Chirrrrrrup" it said; +"chirrrrrrup." + +"Lord, what a place that was at Wimblehurst!" he broke out. "If +ever I get a day off we'll motor there, George, and run over that +dog that sleeps in the High Street. Always was a dog asleep +there--always. Always... I'd like to see the old shop again. I +daresay old Ruck still stands between the sheep at his door, +grinning with all his teeth, and Marbel, silly beggar! comes out +with his white apron on and a pencil stuck behind his ear, +trying to look awake... Wonder if they know it's me? I'd like +'em somehow to know it's me." + +"They'll have had the International Tea Company and all sorts of +people cutting them up," I said. "And that dog's been on the +pavement this six years--can't sleep even there, poor dear, +because of the motor-horns and its shattered nerves." + +"Movin' everywhere," said my uncle. "I expect you're right.... +It's a big time we're in, George. It's a big Progressive +On-coming Imperial Time. This Palestine business--the daring of +it.... It's, it's a Process, George. And we got our hands on +it. Here we sit--with our hands on it, George. Entrusted. + +"It seems quiet to--night. But if we could see and hear." He +waved his cigar towards Leatherhead and London. + +"There they are, millions, George. Jes' think of what they've +been up to to-day--those ten millions--each one doing his own +particular job. You can't grasp it. It's like old Whitman +says--what is it he says? Well, anyway it's like old Whitman. +Fine chap, Whitman! Fine old chap! Queer, you can't quote him. +... And these millions aren't anything. There's the millions +over seas, hundreds of millions, Chinese, M'rocco, Africa +generally, 'Merica.... Well, here we are, with power, with +leisure, picked out--because we've been energetic, because we've +seized opportunities, because we've made things hum when other +people have waited for them to hum. See? Here we are--with our +hands on it. Big people. Big growing people. In a sort of +way,--Forces." + +He paused. "It's wonderful, George," he said. + +"Anglo-Saxon energy," I said softly to the night. + +"That's it, George--energy. It's put things in our +grip--threads, wires, stretching out and out, George, from that +little office of ours, out to West Africa, out to Egypt, out to +Inja, out east, west, north and south. Running the world +practically. Running it faster and faster. Creative. There's +that Palestine canal affair. Marvellous idee! Suppose we take +that up, suppose we let ourselves in for it, us and the others, +and run that water sluice from the Mediterranean into the Dead +Sea Valley--think of the difference it will make! All the desert +blooming like a rose, Jericho lost for ever, all the Holy Places +under water.... Very likely destroy Christianity."... + +He mused for a space. "Cuttin' canals," murmured my uncle. +"Making tunnels.... New countries.... New centres.... Zzzz.... +Finance.... Not only Palestine. + +"I wonder where we shall get before we done, George? We got a +lot of big things going. We got the investing public sound and +sure. I don't see why in the end we shouldn't be very big. +There's diffculties but I'm equal to them. We're still a bit +soft in our bones, but they'll harden all right.... I suppose, +after all, I'm worth something like a million, George, cleared up +and settled. If I got out of things now. It's a great time, +George, a wonderful time!"... + +I glanced through the twilight at his convexity and I must +confess it struck me that on the whole he wasn't particularly +good value. + +"We got our hands on things, George, us big people. We got to +hang together, George run the show. Join up with the old order +like that mill-wheel of Kipling's. (Finest thing he ever wrote, +George; I jes' been reading it again. Made me buy Lady Grove.) +Well, we got to run the country, George. It's ours. Make it a +Scientific Organised Business Enterprise. Put idees into it. +'Lectrify it. Run the Press. Run all sorts of developments. +All sorts of developments. I been talking to Lord Boom. I been +talking to all sorts of people. Great things. Progress. The +world on business lines. Only jes' beginning."... + +He fell into a deep meditation. + +He Zzzzed for a time and ceased. + +"YES," he said at last in the tone of a man who has at last +emerged with ultimate solutions to the profoundest problems. + +"What?" I said after a seemly pause. + +My uncle hung fire for a moment and it seemed to me the fate of +nations trembled in the balance. Then he spoke as one who speaks +from the very bottom of his heart--and I think it was the very +bottom of his heart. + +"I'd jes' like to drop into the Eastry Arms, jes' when all those +beggars in the parlour are sittin' down to whist, Ruck and Marbel +and all, and give 'em ten minutes of my mind, George. Straight +from the shoulder. Jes' exactly what I think of them. It's a +little thing, but I'd like to do it jes' once before I die."... + +He rested on that for some time Zzzz-ing. + +Then he broke out at a new place in a tone of detached criticism. + +"There's Boom," he reflected. + +"It's a wonderful system this old British system, George. It's +staid and stable and yet it has a place for new men. We come up +and take our places. It's almost expected. We take a hand. +That's where our Democracy differs from America. Over there a +man succeeds; all he gets is money. Here there's a system open +to every one--practically.... Chaps like Boom--come from +nowhere." + +His voice ceased. I reflected upon the spirit of his words. +Suddenly I kicked my feet in the air, rolled on my side and sat +up suddenly on my deck chair with my legs down. + +"You don't mean it!" I said. + +"Mean what, George?" + +"Subscription to the party funds. Reciprocal advantage. Have +we got to that?" + +"Whad you driving at, George?" + +"You know. They'd never do it, man!" + +"Do what?" he said feebly; and, "Why shouldn't they?" + +"They'd not even go to a baronetcy. NO!.... And yet, of course, +there's Boom! And Collingshead and Gorver. They've done beer, +they've done snippets! After all Tono-Bungay--it's not like a +turf commission agent or anything like that!... There have of +course been some very gentlemanly commission agents. It isn't +like a fool of a scientific man who can't make money!" + +My uncle grunted; we'd differed on that issue before. + +A malignant humour took possession of me. "What would they call +you?" I speculated. "The vicar would like Duffield. Too much +like Duffer! Difficult thing, a title." I ran my mind over +various possibilities. "Why not take a leaf from a socialist +tract I came upon yesterday. Chap says we're all getting +delocalised. Beautiful word--delocalised! Why not be the first +delocalised peer? That gives you--Tono-Bungay! There is a Bungay, +you know. Lord Tono of Bungay--in bottles everywhere. Eh?" + +My uncle astonished me by losing his temper. + +"Damn it. George, you don't seem to see I'm serious! You're +always sneering at Tono-Bungay! As though it was some sort of +swindle. It was perfec'ly legitimate trade, perfec'ly +legitimate. Good value and a good article.... When I come up +here and tell you plans and exchange idees--you sneer at me. You +do. You don't see--it's a big thing. It's a big thing. You got +to get used to new circumstances. You got to face what lies +before us. You got to drop that tone." + +IX + +My uncle was not altogether swallowed up in business and +ambition. He kept in touch with modern thought. For example, he +was, I know, greatly swayed by what he called "This Overman idee, +Nietzsche--all that stuff." + +He mingled those comforting suggestions of a potent and +exceptional human being emancipated from the pettier limitations +of integrity with the Napoleonic legend. It gave his imagination +a considerable outlet. That Napoleonic legend! The real +mischief of Napoleon's immensely disastrous and accidental career +began only when he was dead and the romantic type of mind was +free to elaborate his character. I do believe that my uncle +would have made a far less egregious smash if there had been no +Napoleonic legend to misguide him. He was in many ways better +and infinitely kinder than his career. But when in doubt between +decent conduct and a base advantage, that cult came in more and +more influentially: "think of Napoleon; think what the +inflexibly-wilful Napoleon would have done with such scruples as +yours;" that was the rule, and the end was invariably a new step +in dishonour. + +My uncle was in an unsystematic way a collector of Napoleonic +relics; the bigger the book about his hero the more readily he +bought it; he purchased letters and tinsel and weapons that bore +however remotely upon the Man of Destiny, and he even secured in +Geneva, though he never brought home, an old coach in which +Buonaparte might have ridden; he crowded the quiet walls of Lady +Grove with engravings and figures of him, preferring, my aunt +remarked, the more convex portraits with the white vest and those +statuettes with the hands behind the back which threw forward the +figure. The Durgans watched him through it all, sardonically. + +And he would stand after breakfast at times in the light of the +window at Lady Grove, a little apart, with two fingers of one +hand stuck between his waistcoat-buttons and his chin sunken, +thinking,--the most preposterous little fat man in the world. +It made my aunt feel, she said, "like an old Field +Marshal--knocks me into a cocked hat, George!" + +Perhaps this Napoleonic bias made him a little less frequent with +his cigars than he would otherwise have been, but of that I +cannot be sure, and it certainly caused my aunt a considerable +amount of vexation after he had read Napoleon and the Fair Sex, +because for a time that roused him to a sense of a side of life +he had in his commercial preoccupations very largely forgotten. +Suggestion plays so great a part in this field. My uncle took +the next opportunity and had an "affair"! + +It was not a very impassioned affair, and the exact particulars +never of course reached me. It is quite by chance I know +anything of it at all. One evening I was surprised to come upon +my uncle in a mixture of Bohemia and smart people at an At Home +in the flat of Robbert, the R.A. who painted my aunt, and he was +standing a little apart in a recess, talking or rather being +talked to in undertones by a plump, blond little woman in pale +blue, a Helen Scrymgeour who wrote novels and was organising a +weekly magazine. I elbowed a large lady who was saying +something about them, but I didn't need to hear the thing she +said to perceive the relationship of the two. It hit me like a +placard on a hoarding. I was amazed the whole gathering did not +see it. Perhaps they did. She was wearing a remarkably fine +diamond necklace, much too fine for journalism, and regarding him +with that quality of questionable proprietorship, of leashed but +straining intimacy, that seems inseparable from this sort of +affair. It is so much more palpable than matrimony. If anything +was wanted to complete my conviction it was my uncles's eyes when +presently he became aware of mine, a certain embarrassment and a +certain pride and defiance. And the next day he made an +opportunity to praise the lady's intelligence to me concisely, +lest I should miss the point of it all. + +After that I heard some gossip--from a friend of the lady's. I +was much too curious to do anything but listen. I had never in +all my life imagined my uncle in an amorous attitude. It would +appear that she called him her "God in the Car"--after the hero +in a novel of Anthony Hope's. It was essential to the +convention of their relations that he should go relentlessly +whenever business called, and it was generally arranged that it +did call. To him women were an incident, it was understood +between them; Ambition was the master-passion. A great world +called him and the noble hunger for Power. I have never been +able to discover just how honest Mrs. Scrymgeour was in all this, +but it is quite possible the immense glamour of his financial +largeness prevailed with her and that she did bring a really +romantic feeling to their encounters. There must have been some +extraordinary moments.... + +I was a good deal exercised and distressed about my aunt when I +realised what was afoot. I thought it would prove a terrible +humiliation to her. I suspected her of keeping up a brave front +with the loss of my uncle's affections fretting at her heart, but +there I simply underestimated her. She didn't hear for some time +and when she did hear she was extremely angry and energetic. The +sentimental situation didn't trouble her for a moment. She +decided that my uncle "wanted smacking." She accentuated herself +with an unexpected new hat, went and gave him an inconceivable +talking-to at the Hardingham, and then came round to "blow-up" +me for not telling her what was going on before.... + +I tried to bring her to a proper sense of the accepted values in +this affair, but my aunt's originality of outlook was never so +invincible. "Men don't tell on one another in affairs of +passion," I protested, and such-like worldly excuses. + +"Women!" she said in high indignation, "and men! It isn't women +and men--it's him and me, George! Why don't you talk sense? + +"Old passion's all very well, George, in its way, and I'm the +last person to be jealous. But this is old nonsense.... I'm not +going to let him show off what a silly old lobster he is to other +women.... I'll mark every scrap of his underclothes with red +letters, 'Ponderevo-Private'--every scrap. + +"Going about making love indeed,--in abdominal belts!--at his +time of life!" + +I cannot imagine what passed between her and my uncle. But I +have no doubt that for once her customary badinage was laid +aside. How they talked then I do not know, for I who knew them +so well had never heard that much of intimacy between them. At +any rate it was a concerned and preoccupied "God in the Car" I +had to deal with in the next few days, unusually Zzzz-y and given +to slight impatient gestures that had nothing to do with the +current conversation. And it was evident that in all directions +he was finding things unusually difficult to explain. + +All the intimate moments in this affair were hidden from me, but +in the end my aunt triumphed. He did not so much throw as jerk +over Mrs. Scrymgeour, and she did not so much make a novel of it +as upset a huge pailful of attenuated and adulterated female soul +upon this occasion. My aunt did not appear in that, even +remotely. So that it is doubtful if the lady knew the real +causes of her abandonment. The Napoleonic hero was practically +unmarried, and he threw over his lady as Napoleon threw over +Josephine for a great alliance. + +It was a triumph for my aunt, but it had its price. For some +time it was evident things were strained between them. He gave +up the lady, but he resented having to do so, deeply. She had +meant more to his imagination than one could have supposed. He +wouldn't for a long time "come round." He became touchy and +impatient and secretive towards my aunt, and she, I noted, after +an amazing check or so, stopped that stream of kindly abuse that +had flowed for so long and had been so great a refreshment in +their lives. They were both the poorer for its cessation, both +less happy. She devoted herself more and more to Lady Grove and +the humours and complications of its management. The servants +took to her--as they say--she god-mothered three Susans during +her rule, the coachman's, the gardener's, and the Up Hill +gamekeeper's. She got together a library of old household books +that were in the vein of the place. She revived the still-room, +and became a great artist in jellies and elder and cowslip wine. + +X + +And while I neglected the development of my uncle's finances--and +my own, in my scientific work and my absorbing conflict with the +difficulties of flying,--his schemes grew more and more expansive +and hazardous, and his spending wilder and laxer. I believe that +a haunting sense of the intensifying unsoundness of his position +accounts largely for his increasing irritability and his +increasing secretiveness with my aunt and myself during these +crowning years. He dreaded, I think, having to explain, he +feared our jests might pierce unwittingly to the truth. Even in +the privacy of his mind he would not face the truth. He was +accumulating unrealisable securities in his safes until they hung +a potential avalanche over the economic world. But his buying +became a fever, and his restless desire to keep it up with +himself that he was making a triumphant progress to limitless +wealth gnawed deeper and deeper. A curious feature of this time +with him was his buying over and over again of similar things. +His ideas seemed to run in series. Within a twelve-month he +bought five new motor-cars, each more swift and powerful than its +predecessor, and only the repeated prompt resignation of his +chief chauffeur at each moment of danger, prevented his driving +them himself. He used them more and more. He developed a +passion for locomotion for its own sake. + +Then he began to chafe at Lady Grove, fretted by a chance jest he +had overheard at a dinner. "This house, George," he said. "It's +a misfit. There's no elbow-room in it; it's choked with old +memories. And I can't stand all these damned Durgans! + +"That chap in the corner, George. No! the other corner! The man +in a cherry-coloured coat. He watched you! He'd look silly if I +stuck a poker through his Gizzard!" + +"He'd look," I reflected, "much as he does now. As though he was +amused." + +He replaced his glasses, which had fallen at his emotion, and +glared at his antagonists. "What are they? What are they all, +the lot of 'em? Dead as Mutton! They just stuck in the mud. +They didn't even rise to the Reformation. The old out-of-date +Reformation! Move with the times!--they moved against the times. + +Just a Family of Failure,--they never even tried! + +"They're jes', George, exactly what I'm not. Exactly. It isn't +suitable.... All this living in the Past. + +"And I want a bigger place too, George. I want air and sunlight +and room to move about and more service. A house where you can +get a Move on things! Zzzz. Why! it's like a discord--it +jars--even to have the telephone.... There's nothing, nothing +except the terrace, that's worth a Rap. It's all dark and old +and dried up and full of old-fashioned things--musty old +idees--fitter for a silver-fish than a modern man.... I don't +know how I got here." + +He broke out into a new grievance. "That damned vicar," he +complained, "thinks I ought to think myself lucky to get this +place! Every time I meet him I can see him think it.... One of +these days, George I'll show him what a Mod'un house is like!" + +And he did. + +I remember the day when he declared, as Americans say, for Crest +Hill. He had come up to see my new gas plant, for I was then +only just beginning to experiment with auxiliary collapsible +balloons, and all the time the shine of his glasses was wandering +away to the open down beyond. "Let's go back to Lady Grove over +the hill," he said. "Something I want to show you. Something +fine!" + +It was an empty sunlit place that summer evening, sky and earth +warm with sundown, and a pe-wit or so just accentuating the +pleasant stillness that ends a long clear day. A beautiful +peace, it was, to wreck for ever. And there was my uncle, the +modern man of power, in his grey top-hat and his grey suit and +his black-ribboned glasses, short, thin-legged, large-stomached, +pointing and gesticulating, threatening this calm. + +He began with a wave of his arm. "That's the place, George," he +said. "See?" + +"Eh!" I cried--for I had been thinking of remote things. + +"I got it." + +"Got what?" + +"For a house!--a Twentieth Century house! That's the place for +it!" + +One of his characteristic phrases was begotten in him. + +"Four-square to the winds of heaven, George!" he said. "Eh? +Four-square to the winds of heaven!" + +"You'll get the winds up here," I said. + +"A mammoth house it ought to be, George--to suit these hills." + +"Quite," I said. + +"Great galleries and things--running out there and there--See? I +been thinking of it, George! Looking out all this way--across +the +Weald. With its back to Lady Grove." + +"And the morning sun in its eye." + +"Like an eagle, George,--like an eagle!" + +So he broached to me what speedily became the leading occupation +of his culminating years, Crest Hill. But all the world has +heard of that extravagant place which grew and changed its plans +as it grew, and bubbled like a salted snail, and burgeoned and +bulged and evermore grew. I know not what delirium of pinnacles +and terraces and arcades and corridors glittered at last upon the +uplands of his mind; the place, for all that its expansion was +terminated abruptly by our collapse, is wonderful enough as it +stands,--that empty instinctive building of a childless man. His +chief architect was a young man named Westminster, whose work he +had picked out in the architecture room of the Royal Academy on +account of a certain grandiose courage in it, but with him he +associated from time to time a number of fellow professionals, +stonemasons, sanitary engineers, painters, sculptors, scribes, +metal workers, wood carvers, furniture designers, ceramic +specialists, landscape gardeners, and the man who designs the +arrangement and ventilation of the various new houses in the +London Zoological Gardens. In addition he had his own ideas. +The thing occupied his mind at all times, but it held it +completely from Friday night to Monday morning. He would come +down to Lady Grove on Friday night in a crowded motor-car that +almost dripped architects. He didn't, however, confine himself +to architects; every one was liable to an invitation to week-end +and view Crest Hill, and many an eager promoter, unaware of how +Napoleonically and completely my uncle had departmentalised his +mind, tried to creep up to him by way of tiles and ventilators +and new electric fittings. Always on Sunday mornings, unless the +weather was vile, he would, so soon as breakfast and his +secretaries were disposed of, visit the site with a considerable +retinue, and alter and develop plans, making modifications, +Zzzz-ing, giving immense new orders verbally--an unsatisfactory +way, as Westminster and the contractors ultimately found. + +There he stands in my memory, the symbol of this age for me, the +man of luck and advertisement, the current master of the world. +There he stands upon the great outward sweep of the terrace +before the huge main entrance, a little figure, ridiculously +disproportionate to that forty-foot arch, with the granite ball +behind him--the astronomical ball, brass coopered, that +represented the world, with a little adjustable tube of lenses on +a gun-metal arm that focussed the sun upon just that point of +the earth on which it chanced to be shining vertically. There he +stands, Napoleonically grouped with his retinue men in tweeds and +golfing-suits, a little solicitor, whose name I forget, in grey +trousers and a black jacket, and Westminster in Jaeger +underclothing, a floriferous tie, and peculiar brown cloth of his +own. + +The downland breeze flutters my uncle's coat-tails, disarranges +his stiff hair, and insists on the evidence of undisciplined +appetites in face and form, as he points out this or that feature +in the prospect to his attentive collaborator. + +Below are hundreds of feet of wheeling-planks, ditches, +excavations, heaps of earth, piles of garden stone from the +Wealden ridges. On either hand the walls of his irrelevant +unmeaning palace rise at one time he had working in that +place--disturbing the economic balance of the whole countryside +by their presence--upwards of three thousand men.... + +So he poses for my picture amidst the raw beginnings that were +never to be completed. He did the strangest things about that +place, things more and more detached from any conception of +financial scale, things more and more apart from sober humanity. +He seemed to think himself, at last, released from any such +limitations. He moved a quite considerable hill, and nearly +sixty mature trees were moved with it to open his prospect +eastward, moved it about two hundred feet to the south. At +another time he caught a suggestion from some city restaurant and +made a billiard-room roofed with plate glass beneath the waters +of his ornamental lake. He furnished one wing while its roof +still awaited completion. He had a swimming bath thirty feet +square next to his bedroom upstairs, and to crown it all he +commenced a great wall to hold all his dominions together, free +from the invasion of common men. It was a ten-foot wall, glass +surmounted, and had it been completed as he intended it, it +would have had a total length of nearly eleven miles. Some of it +towards the last was so dishonestly built that it collapsed +within a year upon its foundations, but some miles of it still +stand. I never think of it now but what I think of the hundreds +of eager little investors who followed his "star," whose hopes +and lives, whose wives' security and children's prospects are all +mixed up beyond redemption with that flaking mortar.... + +It is curious how many of these modern financiers of chance and +bluff have ended their careers by building. It was not merely my +uncle. Sooner or later they all seem to bring their luck to the +test of realisation, try to make their fluid opulence coagulate +out as bricks and mortar, bring moonshine into relations with a +weekly wages-sheet. Then the whole fabric of confidence and +imagination totters--and down they come.... + +When I think of that despoiled hillside, that colossal litter of +bricks and mortar, and crude roads and paths, the scaffolding and +sheds, the general quality of unforeseeing outrage upon the +peace of nature, I am reminded of a chat I had with the vicar one +bleak day after he had witnessed a glide. He talked to me of +aeronautics as I stood in jersey and shorts beside my machine, +fresh from alighting, and his cadaverous face failed to conceal +a peculiar desolation that possessed him. + +"Almost you convince me," he said, coming up to me, "against my +will.... A marvellous invention! But it will take you a long +time, sir, before you can emulate that perfect mechanism--the +wing of a bird." + +He looked at my sheds. + +"You've changed the look of this valley, too," he said. + +"Temporary defilements," I remarked, guessing what was in his +mind. + +"Of course. Things come and go. Things come and go. But--H'm. +I've just been up over the hill to look at Mr. Edward +Ponderevo's new house. That--that is something more permanent. +A magnificent place!--in many ways. Imposing. I've never +somehow brought myself to go that way before. Things are greatly +advanced.... We find--the great number of strangers introduced +into the villages about here by these operations, working-men +chiefly, a little embarrassing. It put us out. They bring a +new spirit into the place; betting--ideas--all sorts of queer +notions. Our publicans like it, of course. And they come and +sleep in one's outhouses--and make the place a little unsafe at +nights. The other morning I couldn't sleep--a slight +dyspepsia--and I looked out of the window. I was amazed to see +people going by on bicycles. A silent procession. I counted +ninety-seven--in the dawn. All going up to the new road for +Crest Hill. Remarkable I thought it. And so I've been up to see +what they were doing." + +"They would have been more than remarkable thirty years ago," I +said. + +"Yes, indeed. Things change. We think nothing of it now at +all--comparatively. And that big house--" + +He raised his eyebrows. "Really stupendous! Stupendous. + +"All the hillside--the old turf--cut to ribbons!" + +His eye searched my face. "We've grown so accustomed to look up +to Lady Grove," he said, and smiled in search of sympathy. "It +shifts our centre of gravity." + +"Things will readjust themselves," I lied. + +He snatched at the phrase. "Of course," he said. + +"They'll readjust themselves--settle down again. Must. In the +old way. It's bound to come right again--a comforting thought. +Yes. After all, Lady Grove itself had to be built once upon a +time--was--to begin with--artificial." + +His eye returned to my aeroplane. He sought to dismiss his +graver preoccupations. "I should think twice," he remarked, +"before I trusted myself to that concern.... But I suppose one +grows accustomed to the motion." + +He bade me good morning and went his way, bowed and +thoughtful.... + +He had kept the truth from his mind a long time, but that morning +it had forced its way to him with an aspect that brooked no +denial that this time it was not just changes that were coming in +his world, but that all his world lay open and defenceless, +conquered and surrendered, doomed so far as he could see, root +and branch, scale and form alike, to change. + + +CHAPTER THE THIRD + +SOARING + +I + +For nearly all the time that my uncle was incubating and hatching +Crest Hill I was busy in a little transverse valley between that +great beginning and Lady Grove with more and more costly and +ambitious experiments in aerial navigation. This work was indeed +the main substance of my life through all the great time of the +Tono-Bungay symphony. + +I have told already how I came to devote myself to this system of +inquiries, how in a sort of disgust with the common adventure of +life I took up the dropped ends of my college studies, taking +them up again with a man's resolution instead of a boy's +ambition. From the first I did well at this work. It--was, I +think, largely a case of special aptitude, of a peculiar +irrelevant vein of faculty running through my mind. It is one of +those things men seem to have by chance, that has little or +nothing to do with their general merit, and which it is +ridiculous to be either conceited or modest about. I did get +through a very big mass of work in those years, working for a +time with a concentrated fierceness that left little of such +energy or capacity as I possess unused. I worked out a series +of problems connected with the stability of bodies pitching in +the air and the internal movements of the wind, and I also +revolutionised one leading part at last of the theory of +explosive engines. These things are to be found in the +Philosophical Transactions, the Mathematical Journal, and +less frequently in one or two other such publications, and they +needn't detain us here. Indeed, I doubt if I could write about +them here. One acquires a sort of shorthand for one's notes and +mind in relation to such special work. I have never taught; nor +lectured, that is to say, I have never had to express my thoughts +about mechanical things in ordinary everyday language, and I +doubt very much if I could do so now without extreme tedium. + +My work was, to begin with, very largely theoretical. I was able +to attack such early necessities of verification as arose with +quite little models, using a turntable to get the motion through +the air, and cane, whalebone and silk as building material. But +a time came when incalculable factors crept in, factors of human +capacity and factors of insufficient experimental knowledge, when +one must needs guess and try. Then I had to enlarge the scale of +my operations, and soon I had enlarged them very greatly. I set +to work almost concurrently on the balance and stability of +gliders and upon the steering of inflated bags, the latter a +particularly expensive branch of work. I was no doubt moved by +something of the same spirit of lavish expenditure that was +running away with my uncle in these developments. Presently +my establishment above Lady Grove had grown to a painted wood +chalet big enough to accommodate six men, and in which I would +sometimes live for three weeks together; to a gasometer, to a +motor-house, to three big corrugated-roofed sheds and lock-up +houses, to a stage from which to start gliders, to a workshop and +so forth. A rough road was made. We brought up gas from +Cheaping and electricity from Woking, which place I found also +afforded a friendly workshop for larger operations than I could +manage. I had the luck also to find a man who seemed my +heaven-sent second-in-command--Cothope his name was. He was a +self-educated-man; he had formerly been a sapper and he was +one of the best and handiest working engineers alive. Without +him I do not think I could have achieved half what I have done. +At times he has been not so much my assistant as my collaborator, +and has followed my fortunes to this day. Other men came and +went as I needed them. + +I do not know how far it is possible to convey to any one who has +not experienced it, the peculiar interest, the peculiar +satisfaction that lies in a sustained research when one is not +hampered by want of money. It is a different thing from any +other sort of human effort. You are free from the exasperating +conflict with your fellow-creatures altogether--at least so far +as the essential work goes; that for me is its peculiar merit. +Scientific truth is the remotest of mistresses; she hides in +strange places, she is attained by tortuous and laborious roads, +but SHE IS ALWAYS THERE! Win to her and she will not fail you; +she is yours and mankind's for ever. She is reality, the one +reality I have found in this strange disorder of existence. She +will not sulk with you nor misunderstand you nor cheat you of +your reward upon some petty doubt. You cannot change her by +advertisement or clamour, nor stifle her in vulgarities. Things +grow under your hands when you serve her, things that are +permanent as nothing else is permanent in the whole life of man. +That, I think, is the peculiar satisfaction of science and its +enduring reward.... + +The taking up of experimental work produced a great change in +my personal habits. I have told how already once in my life at +Wimblehurst I had a period of discipline and continuous effort, +and how, when I came to South Kensington, I became demoralised by +the immense effect of London, by its innumerable imperative +demands upon my attention and curiosity. And I parted with much +of my personal pride when I gave up science for the development +of Tono-Bungay. But my poverty kept me abstinent and my youthful +romanticism kept me chaste until my married life was well under +way. Then in all directions I relaxed. I did a large amount of +work, but I never troubled to think whether it was my maximum nor +whether the moods and indolences that came to me at times were +avoidable things. With the coming of plenty I ate abundantly and +foolishly, drank freely and followed my impulses more and more +carelessly. I felt no reason why I should do anything else. +Never at any point did I use myself to the edge of my capacity. +The emotional crisis of my divorce did not produce any immediate +change in these matters of personal discipline. I found some +difficulty at first in concentrating my mind upon scientific +work, it was so much more exacting than business, but I got over +that difficulty by smoking. I became an inordinate cigar smoker; +it gave me moods of profound depression, but I treated these +usually by the homeopathic method,--by lighting another cigar. I +didn't realise at all how loose my moral and nervous fibre had +become until I reached the practical side of my investigations +and was face to face with the necessity of finding out just how +it felt to use a glider and just what a man could do with one. + +I got into this relaxed habit of living in spite of very real +tendencies in my nature towards discipline. I've never been in +love with self-indulgence. That philosophy of the loose lip and +the lax paunch is one for which I've always had an instinctive +distrust. I like bare things, stripped things, plain, austere +and continent things, fine lines and cold colours. But in these +plethoric times when there is too much coarse stuff for everybody +and the struggle for life takes the form of competitive +advertisement and the effort to fill your neighbour's eye, when +there is no urgent demand either for personal courage, sound +nerves or stark beauty, we find ourselves by accident. Always +before these times the bulk of the people did not over-eat +themselves, because they couldn't, whether they wanted to do so +or not, and all but a very few were kept "fit" by unavoidable +exercise and personal danger. Now, if only he pitch his standard +low enough and keep free from pride, almost any one can achieve a +sort of excess. You can go through contemporary life fudging and +evading, indulging and slacking, never really hungry nor +frightened nor passionately stirred, your highest moment a mere +sentimental orgasm, and your first real contact with primary and +elemental necessities, the sweat of your death-bed. So I think +it was with my uncle; so, very nearly, it was with me. + +But the glider brought me up smartly. I had to find out how +these things went down the air, and the only way to find out is +to go down with one. And for a time I wouldn't face it. + +There is something impersonal about a book, I suppose. At any +rate I find myself able to write down here just the confession +I've never been able to make to any one face to face, the +frightful trouble it was to me to bring myself to do what I +suppose every other coloured boy in the West Indies could do +without turning a hair, and that is to fling myself off for my +first soar down the wind. The first trial was bound to be the +worst; it was an experiment I made with life, and the chance of +death or injury was, I supposed, about equal to the chance of +success. I believed that with a dawn-like lucidity. I had +begun with a glider that I imagined was on the lines of the +Wright brothers' aeroplane, but I could not be sure. It might +turn over. I might upset it. It might burrow its nose at the +end and smash itself and me. The conditions of the flight +necessitated alert attention; it wasn't a thing to be done by +jumping off and shutting one's eyes or getting angry or drunk to +do it. One had to use one's weight to balance. And when at last +I did it it was horrible--for ten seconds. For ten seconds or so, +as I swept down the air flattened on my infernal framework and +with the wind in my eyes, the rush of the ground beneath me +filled me with sick and helpless terror; I felt as though some +violent oscillatory current was throbbing in brain and back bone, +and I groaned aloud. I set my teeth and groaned. It was a groan +wrung out of me in spite of myself. My sensations of terror +swooped to a climax. And then, you know, they ended! + +Suddenly my terror was over and done with. I was soaring through +the air right way up, steadily, and no mischance had happened. I +felt intensely alive and my nerves were strung like a bow. I +shifted a limb, swerved and shouted between fear and triumph as I +recovered from the swerve and heeled the other way and steadied +myself. + +I thought I was going to hit a rook that was flying athwart +me,--it was queer with what projectile silence that jumped upon +me out of nothingness, and I yelled helplessly, "Get out of the +way!" The bird doubled itself up like a partly inverted V, +flapped, went up to the right abruptly and vanished from my +circle of interest. Then I saw the shadow of my aeroplane +keeping a fixed distance before me and very steady, and the turf +as it seemed streaming out behind it. The turf!--it wasn't after +all streaming so impossibly fast. + +When I came gliding down to the safe spread of level green I had +chosen, I was as cool and ready as a city clerk who drops off an +omnibus in motion, and I had learnt much more than soaring. I +tilted up her nose at the right moment, levelled again and +grounded like a snowflake on a windless day. I lay flat for an +instant and then knelt up and got on my feet atremble, but very +satisfied with myself. Cothope was running down the hill to me. +... + +But from that day I went into training, and I kept myself in +training for many months. I had delayed my experiments for very +nearly six weeks on various excuses because of my dread of this +first flight, because of the slackness of body and spirit that +had come to me with the business life. The shame of that +cowardice spurred me none the less because it was probably +altogether my own secret. I felt that Cothope at any rate might +suspect. Well,--he shouldn't suspect again. + +It is curious that I remember that shame and self accusation and +its consequences far more distinctly than I recall the weeks of +vacillation before I soared. For a time I went altogether +without alcohol, I stopped smoking altogether and ate very +sparingly, and every day I did something that called a little +upon my nerves and muscles. I soared as frequently as I could. +I substituted a motor-bicycle for the London train and took my +chances in the southward traffic, and I even tried what thrills +were to be got upon a horse. But they put me on made horses, and +I conceived a perhaps unworthy contempt for the certitudes of +equestrian exercise in comparison with the adventures of +mechanism. Also I walked along the high wall at the back of Lady +Grove garden, and at last brought myself to stride the gap where +the gate comes. If I didn't altogether get rid of a certain +giddy instinct by such exercises, at least I trained my will +until it didn't matter. And soon I no longer dreaded flight, but +was eager to go higher into the air, and I came to esteem soaring +upon a glider, that even over the deepest dip in the ground had +barely forty feet of fall beneath it, a mere mockery of what +flight might be. I began to dream of the keener freshness in the +air high above the beechwoods, and it was rather to satisfy that +desire than as any legitimate development of my proper work that +presently I turned a part of my energies and the bulk of my +private income to the problem of the navigable balloon. + +II + +I had gone far beyond that initial stage; I had had two smashes +and a broken rib which my aunt nursed with great energy, and was +getting some reputation in the aeronautic world when, suddenly, +as though she had never really left it, the Honourable Beatrice +Normandy, dark-eyed, and with the old disorderly wave of the +hair from her brow, came back into my life. She came riding down +a grass path in the thickets below Lady Grove, perched up on a +huge black horse, and the old Earl of Carnaby and Archie Garvell, +her half-brother, were with her. My uncle had been bothering me +about the Crest Hill hot-water pipes, and we were returning by a +path transverse to theirs and came out upon them suddenly. Old +Carnaby was trespassing on our ground, and so he hailed us in a +friendly fashion and pulled up to talk to us. + +I didn't note Beatrice at all at first. I was interested in Lord +Carnaby, that remarkable vestige of his own brilliant youth. I +had heard of him, but never seen him. For a man of sixty-five +who had sinned all the sins, so they said, and laid waste the +most magnificent political debut of any man of his generation, he +seemed to me to be looking remarkably fit and fresh. He was a +lean little man with grey-blue eyes in his brown face, and his +cracked voice was the worst thing in his effect. + +"Hope you don't mind us coming this way, Ponderevo," he cried; +and my uncle, who was sometimes a little too general and generous +with titles, answered, "Not at all, my lord, not at all! Glad +you make use of it!" + +"You're building a great place over the hill," said Carnaby. + +"Thought I'd make a show for once," said my uncle. "It looks big +because it's spread out for the sun." + +"Air and sunlight," said the earl. "You can't have too much of +them. But before our time they used to build for shelter and +water and the high road." + +Then I discovered that the silent figure behind the earl was +Beatrice. + +I'd forgotten her sufficiently to think for a moment that she +hadn't changed at all since she had watched me from behind the +skirts of Lady Drew. She was looking at me, and her dainty brow +under her broad brimmed hat--she was wearing a grey hat and loose +unbuttoned coat--was knit with perplexity, trying, I suppose, to +remember where she had seen me before. Her shaded eyes met mine +with that mute question.... + +It seemed incredible to me she didn't remember. + +"Well," said the earl and touched his horse. + +Garvell was patting the neck of his horse, which was inclined to +fidget, and disregarding me. He nodded over his shoulder and +followed. His movement seemed to release a train of memories in +her. She glanced suddenly at him and then back at me with a +flash of recognition that warmed instantly to a faint smile. +She hesitated as if to speak to me, smiled broadly and +understandingly and turned to follow the others. All three broke +into a canter and she did not look back. I stood for a second or +so at the crossing of the lanes, watching her recede, and then +became aware that my uncle was already some paces off and talking +over his shoulder in the belief that I was close behind. I +turned about and strode to overtake him. My mind was full of +Beatrice and this surprise. I remembered her simply as a +Normandy. I'd clean forgotten that Garvell was the son and she +the step-daughter of our neighbour, Lady Osprey. Indeed, I'd +probably forgotten at that time that we had Lady Osprey as a +neighbour. There was no reason at all for remembering it. It +was amazing to find her in this Surrey countryside, when I'd +never thought of her as living anywhere in the world but at +Bladesover Park, near forty miles and twenty years away. She was +so alive--so unchanged! The same quick warm blood was in her +cheeks. It seemed only yesterday that we had kissed among the +bracken stems.... + +"Eh?" I said. + +"I say he's good stuff," said my uncle. "You can say what you +like against the aristocracy, George; Lord Carnaby's rattling +good stuff. There's a sort of Savoir Faire, something--it's an +old-fashioned phrase, George, but a good one there's a +Bong-Tong.... It's like the Oxford turf, George, you can't grow +it in a year. I wonder how they do it. It's living always on a +Scale, George. It's being there from the beginning."... + +"She might," I said to myself, "be a picture by Romney come +alive!" + +"They tell all these stories about him," said my uncle, "but what +do they all amount to?" + +"Gods!" I said to myself; "but why have I forgotten for so long? +Those queer little brows of hers, the touch of mischief in her +eyes--the way she breaks into a smile!" + +"I don't blame him," said my uncle. "Mostly it's imagination. +That and leisure, George. When I was a young man I was kept +pretty busy. So were you. Even then--!" + +What puzzled me more particularly was the queer trick of my +memory that had never recalled anything vital of Beatrice +whatever when I met Garvell again that had, indeed, recalled +nothing except a boyish antagonism and our fight. Now when my +senses were full of her, it seemed incredible that I could ever +have forgotten.... + +III + +"Oh, Crikey!" said my aunt, reading a letter behind her +coffee-machine. "HERE'S a young woman, George!" + +We were breakfasting together in the big window bay at Lady Grove +that looks upon the iris beds; my uncle was in London. + +I sounded an interrogative note and decapitated an egg. + +"Who's Beatrice Normandy?" asked my aunt. "I've not heard of her +before." + +"She the young woman?" + +"Yes. Says she knows you. I'm no hand at old etiquette, George, +but her line is a bit unusual. Practically she says she's going +to make her mother--" + +"Eh? Step-mother, isn't it?" + +"You seem to know a lot about her. She says 'mother'--Lady +Osprey. They're to call on me, anyhow, next Wednesday week at +four, and there's got to be you for tea." + +"Eh?" + +"You--for tea. + +"H'm. She had rather--force of character. When I knew her +before." + +I became aware of my aunt's head sticking out obliquely from +behind the coffee-machine and regarding me with wide blue +curiosity. I met her gaze for a moment, flinched, coloured, and +laughed. + +"I've known her longer than I've known you," I said, and +explained at length. + +My aunt kept her eye on me over and round the coffee-machine as +I did so. She was greatly interested, and asked several +elucidatory questions. + +"Why didn't you tell me the day you saw her? You've had her on +your mind for a week," she said. + +"It IS odd I didn't tell you," I admitted. + +"You thought I'd get a Down on her," said my aunt conclusively. +"That's what you thought" and opened the rest of her letters. + +The two ladies came in a pony-carriage with conspicuous +punctuality, and I had the unusual experience of seeing my aunt +entertaining callers. We had tea upon the terrace under the +cedar, but old Lady Osprey, being an embittered Protestant, had +never before seen the inside of the house, and we made a sort of +tour of inspection that reminded me of my first visit to the +place. In spite of my preoccupation with Beatrice, I stored a +queer little memory of the contrast between the two other women; +my aunt, tall, slender and awkward, in a simple blue homekeeping +dress, an omnivorous reader and a very authentic wit, and the +lady of pedigree, short and plump, dressed with Victorian +fussiness, living at the intellectual level of palmistry and +genteel fiction, pink in the face and generally flustered by a +sense of my aunt's social strangeness and disposed under the +circumstances to behave rather like an imitation of the more +queenly moments of her own cook. The one seemed made of +whalebone, the other of dough. My aunt was nervous, partly +through the intrinsic difficulty of handling the lady and partly +because of her passionate desire to watch Beatrice and me, and +her nervousness took a common form with her, a wider clumsiness +of gesture and an exacerbation of her habitual oddity of phrase +which did much to deepen the pink perplexity of the lady of +title. For instance, I heard my aunt admit that one of the +Stuart Durgan ladies did look a bit "balmy on the crumpet"; she +described the knights of the age of chivalry as "korvorting about +on the off-chance of a dragon"; she explained she was "always +old mucking about the garden," and instead of offering me a +Garibaldi biscuit, she asked me with that faint lisp of hers, to +"have some squashed flies, George." I felt convinced Lady Osprey +would describe her as "a most eccentric person" on the very first +opportunity;-- "a most eccentric person." One could see her, as +people say, "shaping" for that. + +Beatrice was dressed very quietly in brown, with a simple but +courageous broad-brimmed hat, and an unexpected quality of being +grown-up and responsible. She guided her step-mother through +the first encounter, scrutinised my aunt, and got us all well in +movement through the house, and then she turned her attention to +me with a quick and half-confident smile. + +"We haven't met," she said, "since--" + +"It was in the Warren." + +"Of course," she said, "the Warren! I remembered it all except +just the name.... I was eight." + +Her smiling eyes insisted on my memories being thorough. I +looked up and met them squarely, a little at a loss for what I +should say. + +"I gave you away pretty completely," she said, meditating upon my +face. "And afterwards I gave way Archie." + +She turned her face away from the others, and her voice fell ever +so little. + +"They gave him a licking for telling lies!" she said, as though +that was a pleasant memory. "And when it was all over I went to +our wigwam. You remember the wigwam?" + +"Out in the West Wood?" + +"Yes--and cried--for all the evil I had done you, I suppose.... +I've often thought of it since."... + +Lady Osprey stopped for us to overtake her. "My dear!" she said +to Beatrice. "Such a beautiful gallery!" Then she stared very +hard at me, puzzled in the most naked fashion to understand who I +might be. + +"People say the oak staircase is rather good," said my aunt, and +led the way. + +Lady Osprey, with her skirts gathered for the ascent to the +gallery and her hand on the newel, turned and addressed a look +full of meaning overflowing indeed with meanings--at her charge. +The chief meaning no doubt was caution about myself, but much of +it was just meaning at large. I chanced to catch the response in +a mirror and detected Beatrice with her nose wrinkled into a +swift and entirely diabolical grimace. Lady Osprey became a +deeper shade of pink and speechless with indignation--it was +evident she disavowed all further responsibility, as she +followed my aunt upstairs. + +"It's dark, but there's a sort of dignity," said Beatrice very +distinctly, regarding the hall with serene tranquillity, and +allowing the unwilling feet on the stairs to widen their distance +from us. She stood a step up, so that she looked down a little +upon me and over me at the old hall. + +She turned upon me abruptly when she thought her step-mother was +beyond ear-shot. + +"But how did you get here?" she asked. + +"Here?" + +"All this." She indicated space and leisure by a wave of the +hand at hall and tall windows and sunlit terrace. "Weren't you +the housekeeper's son?" + +"I've adventured. My uncle has become--a great financier. He +used to be a little chemist about twenty miles from Bladesover. +We're promoters now, amalgamators, big people on the new model." + +"I understand." She regarded me with interested eyes, visibly +thinking me out. + +"And you recognised me?" I asked. + +"After a second or so. I saw you recognised me. I couldn't +place you, but I knew I knew you. Then Archie being there helped +me to remember." + +"I'm glad to meet again," I ventured. "I'd never forgotten you." + +"One doesn't forget those childish things." + +We regarded one another for a moment with a curiously easy and +confident satisfaction in coming together again. I can't explain +our ready zest in one another. The thing was so. We pleased each +other, we had no doubt in our minds that we pleased each other. +From the first we were at our ease with one another. "So +picturesque, so very picturesque," came a voice from above, and +then: "Bee-atrice!" + +"I've a hundred things I want to know about you," she said with +an easy intimacy, as we went up the winding steps.... + +As the four of us sat at tea together under the cedar on the +terrace she asked questions about my aeronautics. My aunt helped +with a word or so about my broken ribs. Lady Osprey evidently +regarded flying as a most indesirable and improper topic--a +blasphemous intrusion upon the angels. "It isn't flying," I +explained. "We don't fly yet." + +"You never will," she said compactly. "You never will." + +"Well," I said, "we do what we can." + +The little lady lifted a small gloved hand and indicated a +height of about four feet from the ground. "Thus far," she said, +"thus far--AND NO FARTHER! No!" + +She became emphatically pink. "NO," she said again quite +conclusively, and coughed shortly. "Thank you," she said to her +ninth or tenth cake. Beatrice burst into cheerful laughter with +her eye on me. I was lying on the turf, and this perhaps caused +a slight confusion about the primordial curse in Lady Osprey's +mind. + +"Upon his belly shall he go," she said with quiet distinctness, +"all the days of his life." + +After which we talked no more of aeronautics. + +Beatrice sat bunched together in a chair and regarded me with +exactly the same scrutiny, I thought, the same adventurous +aggression, that I had faced long ago at the tea-table in my +mother's room. She was amazingly like that little Princess of my +Bladesover memories, the wilful misbehaviours of her hair seemed +the same--her voice; things one would have expected to be changed +altogether. She formed her plans in the same quick way, and +acted with the same irresponsible decision. + +She stood up abruptly. + +"What is there beyond the terrace?" she said, and found me +promptly beside her. + +I invented a view for her. + +At the further corner from the cedar she perched herself up upon +the parapet and achieved an air of comfort among the lichenous +stones. "Now tell me," she said, "all about yourself. Tell me +about yourself; I know such duffers of men! They all do the same +things. How did you get--here? All my men WERE here. They +couldn't have got here if they hadn't been here always. They +wouldn't have thought it right. You've climbed." + +"If it's climbing," I said. + +She went off at a tangent. "It's--I don't know if you'll +understand--interesting to meet you again. I've remembered you. +I don't know why, but I have. I've used you as a sort of lay +figure--when I've told myself stories. But you've always been +rather stiff and difficult in my stories--in ready-made +clothes--a Labour Member or a Bradlaugh, or something like that. +You're not like that a bit. And yet you ARE!" + +She looked at me. "Was it much of a fight? They make out it is. + +I don't know why." + +"I was shot up here by an accident," I said. "There was no fight +at all. Except to keep honest, perhaps and I made no great +figure in that. I and my uncle mixed a medicine and it blew us +up. No merit in that! But you've been here all the time. Tell +me what you have done first." + +"One thing we didn't do." She meditated for a moment. + +"What?" said I. + +"Produce a little half-brother for Bladesover. So it went to +the Phillbrick gang. And they let it! And I and my +step-mother--we let, too. And live in a little house." + +She nodded her head vaguely over her shoulder and turned to me +again. "Well, suppose it was an accident. Here you are! Now +you're here, what are you going to do? You're young. Is it to +be Parliament? heard some men the other day talking about you. +Before I knew you were you. They said that was what you ought to +do."... + +She put me through my intentions with a close and vital +curiosity. It was just as she had tried to imagine me a soldier +and place me years ago. She made me feel more planless and +incidental than ever. "You want to make a flying-machine," she +pursued, "and when you fly? What then? Would it be for +fighting? + +I told her something of my experimental work. She had never +heard of the soaring aeroplane, and was excited by the thought, +and keen to hear about it. She had thought all the work so far +had been a mere projecting of impossible machines. For her +Pilcher and Lilienthal had died in vain. She did not know such +men had lived in the world. + +"But that's dangerous!" she said, with a note of discovery. + +"Oh!--it's dangerous." + +"Bee-atrice!" Lady Osprey called. + +Beatrice dropped from the wall to her feet. + +"Where do you do this soaring?" + +"Beyond the high Barrows. East of Crest Hill and the wood." + +"Do you mind people coming to see?" + +"Whenever you please. Only let me know" + +"I'll take my chance some day. Some day soon." She looked at +me thoughtfully, smiled, and our talk was at an end. + +IV + +All my later work in aeronautics is associated in my memory with +the quality of Beatrice, with her incidenta] presence, with +things she said and did and things I thought of that had +reference to her. + +In the spring of that year I had got to a flying machine that +lacked nothing but longitudinal stability. My model flew like a +bird for fifty or a hundred yards or so, and then either dived +and broke its nose or, what was commoner, reared up, slid back +and smashed its propeller. The rhythm of the pitching puzzled +me. I felt it must obey some laws not yet quite clearly stated. +I became therefore a student of theory and literature for a time; +I hit upon the string of considerations that led me to what is +called Ponderevo's Principle and my F.R.S., and I worked this out +in three long papers. Meanwhile I made a lot of turn-table and +glider models and started in upon an idea of combining gas-bags +and gliders. Balloon work was new to me. I had made one or two +ascents in the balloons of the Aero Club before I started my +gasometer and the balloon shed and gave Cothope a couple of +months with Sir Peter Rumchase. My uncle found part of the +money for these developments; he was growing interested and +competitive in this business because of Lord Boom's prize and +the amount of reclame involved, and it was at his request that +I named my first navigable balloon Lord Roberts Alpha. + +Lord Roberts A very nearly terminated all my investigations. My +idea both in this and its more successful and famous younger +brother, Lord Roberts B, was to utilise the idea of a contractile +balloon with a rigid flat base, a balloon shaped rather like an +inverted boat that should almost support the apparatus, but not +quite. The gas-bag was of the chambered sort used for these long +forms, and not with an internal balloonette. The trouble was to +make the thing contractile. This I sought to do by fixing a +long, fine-meshed silk net over it that was fastened to be +rolled up on two longitudinal rods. Practically I contracted my +sausage gas-bag by netting it down. The ends were too complex +for me to describe here, but I thought them out elaborately and +they were very carefully planned. Lord Roberts A was furnished +with a single big screw forward, and there was a rudder aft. The +engine was the first one to be, so to speak, right in the plane +of the gas-bag. I lay immediately under the balloon on a sort +of glider framework, far away from either engine or rudder, +controlling them by wire-pulls constructed on the principle of +the well-known Bowden brake of the cyclist. + +But Lord Roberts A has been pretty exhaustively figured and +described in various aeronautical publications. The unforeseen +defect was the badness of the work in the silk netting. It tore +aft as soon as I began to contract the balloon, and the last two +segments immediately bulged through the hole, exactly as an +inner tube will bulge through the ruptured outer cover of a +pneumatic tire, and then the sharp edge of the torn net cut the +oiled-silk of the distended last segment along a weak seam and +burst it with a loud report. + +Up to that point the whole thing had been going on extremely +well. As a navigable balloon and before I contracted it, the +Lord Roberts A was an unqualified success. It had run out of the +shed admirably at nine or ten miles an hour or more, and although +there was a gentle southwester blowing, it had gone up and turned +and faced it as well as any craft of the sort I have ever seen. + +I lay in my customary glider position, horizontal and face +downward, and the invisibility of all the machinery gave an +extraordinary effect of independent levitation. Only by looking +up, as it were, and turning my head back could I see the flat +aeroplane bottom of the balloon and the rapid successive +passages, swish, swish, swish of the vans of the propeller. I +made a wide circle over Lady Grove and Duffield and out towards +Effingham and came back quite successfully to the starting-point. + +Down below in the October sunlight were my sheds and the little +group that had been summoned to witness the start, their faces +craned upward and most of them scrutinising my expression through +field-glasses. I could see Carnaby and Beatrice on horseback, +and two girls I did not know with them; Cothope and three or four +workmen I employed; my aunt and Mrs. Levinstein, who was staying +with her, on foot, and Dimmock, the veterinary surgeon, and one +or two others. My shadow moved a little to the north of them +like the shadow of a fish. At Lady Grove the servants were out +on the lawn, and the Duffield school playground swarmed with +children too indifferent to aeronautics to cease their playing. +But in the Crest Hill direction--the place looked extraordinarily +squat and ugly from above--there were knots and strings of +staring workmen everywhere--not one of them working, but all +agape. (But now I write it, it occurs to me that perhaps it was +their dinner hour; it was certainly near twelve.) I hung for a +moment or so enjoying the soar, then turned about to face a clear +stretch of open down, let the engine out to full speed and set my +rollers at work rolling in the net, and so tightening the +gas-bags. Instantly the pace quickened with the diminished +resistance... + +In that moment before the bang I think I must have been really +flying. Before the net ripped, just in the instant when my +balloon was at its systole, the whole apparatus was, I am +convinced, heavier than air. That, however, is a claim that has +been disputed, and in any case this sort of priority is a very +trivial thing. + +Then came a sudden retardation, instantly followed by an +inexpressibly disconcerting tilt downward of the machine. That I +still recall with horror. I couldn't see what was happening at +all and I couldn't imagine. It was a mysterious, inexplicable +dive. The thing, it seemed, without rhyme or reason, was kicking +up its heels in the air. The bang followed immediately, and I +perceived I was falling rapidly. + +I was too much taken by surprise to think of the proper cause of +the report. I don't even know what I made of it. I was +obsessed, I suppose, by that perpetual dread of the modern +aeronaut, a flash between engine and balloon. Yet obviously I +wasn't wrapped in flames. I ought to have realised instantly it +wasn't that. I did, at any rate, whatever other impressions +there were, release the winding of the outer net and let the +balloon expand again, and that no doubt did something to break my +fall. I don't remember doing that. Indeed, all I do remember is +the giddy effect upon the landscape of falling swiftly upon it +down a flat spiral, the hurried rush of fields and trees and +cottages on my left shoulder and the overhung feeling as if the +whole apparatus was pressing down the top of my head. I didn't +stop or attempt to stop the screw. That was going on, swish, +swish, swish all the time. + +Cothope really knows more about the fall than I do. He describes +the easterly start, the tilt, and the appearance and bursting of +a sort of bladder aft. Then down I swooped, very swiftly, but +not nearly so steeply as I imagined I was doing. "Fifteen or +twenty degrees," said Cothope, "to be exact." From him it was +that I learnt that I let the nets loose again, and so arrested my +fall. He thinks I was more in control of myself than I remember. + +But I do not see why I should have forgotten so excellent a +resolution. His impression is that I was really steering and +trying to drop into the Farthing Down beeches. "You hit the +trees," he said, "and the whole affair stood on its nose among +them, and then very slowly crumpled up. I saw you'd been jerked +out, as I thought, and I didn't stay for more. I rushed for my +bicycle." + +As a matter of fact, it was purely accidental that I came down in +the woods. I am reasonably certain that I had no more control +then than a thing in a parcel. I remember I felt a sort of +wincing, "Now it comes!" as the trees rushed up to me. If I +remember that, I should remember steering. Then the propeller +smashed, everything stopped with a jerk, and I was falling into a +mass of yellowing leaves, and Lord Roberts A, so it seemed to me, +was going back into the sky. + +I felt twigs and things hit me in the face, but I didn't feel +injured at the time; I clutched at things that broke, tumbled +through a froth of green and yellow into a shadowy world of great +bark-covered arms, and there, snatching wildly, got a grip on a +fair round branch, and hung. + +I became intensely alert and clear-headed. I held by that +branch for a moment and then looked about me, and caught at +another, and then found myself holding to a practicable fork. I +swung forward to that and got a leg around it below its junction, +and so was able presently to clamber down, climbing very coolly +and deliberately. I dropped ten feet or so from the lowest branch +and fell on my feet. "That's all right," I said, and stared up +through the tree to see what I could of the deflated and crumpled +remains that had once been Lord Roberts A festooned on the +branches it had broken. "Gods!" I said, "what a tumble!" + +I wiped something that trickled from my face and was shocked to +see my hand covered with blood. I looked at myself and saw what +seemed to me an astonishing quantity of blood running down my arm +and shoulder. I perceived my mouth was full of blood. It's a +queer moment when one realises one is hurt, and perhaps badly +hurt, and has still to discover just how far one is hurt. I +explored my face carefully and found unfamiliar contours on the +left side. The broken end of a branch had driven right through +my cheek, damaging my cheek and teeth and gums, and left a +splinter of itself stuck, like an explorer's fartherest-point +flag, in the upper maxillary. That and a sprained wrist were all +my damage. But I bled as though I had been chopped to pieces, +and it seemed to me that my face had been driven in. I can't +describe just the horrible disgust I felt at that. + +"This blood must be stopped, anyhow," I said, thickheadedly. + +"I wonder where there's a spider's web"--an odd twist for my +mind to take. But it was the only treatment that occurred to me. + +I must have conceived some idea of going home unaided, because I +was thirty yards from the tree before I dropped. + +Then a kind of black disc appeared in the middle of the world and +rushed out to the edge of things and blotted them out. I don't +remember falling down. I fainted from excitement, disgust at my +injury and loss of blood, and lay there until Cothope found me. + +He was the first to find me, scorching as he did over the +downland turf, and making a wide course to get the Carnaby +plantations at their narrowest. Then presently, while he was +trying to apply the methodical teachings of the St. John's +Ambulance classes to a rather abnormal case, Beatrice came +galloping through the trees full-tilt, with Lord Carnaby hard +behind her, and she was hatless, muddy from a fall, and white as +death. "And cool as a cucumber, too," said Cothope, turning it +over in his mind as he told me. + +("They never seem quite to have their heads, and never seem quite +to lose 'em," said Cothope, generalising about the sex.) + +Also he witnessed she acted with remarkable decision. The +question was whether I should be taken to the house her +step-mother occupied at Bedley Corner, the Carnaby dower house, +or down to Carnaby's place at Easting. Beatrice had no doubt in +the matter, for she meant to nurse me. Carnaby didn't seem to +want that to happen. "She WOULD have it wasn't half so far," +said Cothope. "She faced us out.... + +"I hate to be faced out of my opinion, so I've taken a pedometer +over it since. It's exactly forty-three yards further. + +"Lord Carnaby looked at her pretty straight," said Cothope, +finishing the picture; "and then he give in." + +V + +But my story has made a jump from June to October, and during +that time my relations with Beatrice and the countryside that was +her setting had developed in many directions. She came and went, +moving in an orbit for which I had no data, going to London and +Paris, into Wales and Northampton, while her stepmother, on some +independent system of her own, also vanished and recurred +intermittently. At home they obeyed the rule of an inflexible +old maid, Charlotte, and Beatrice exercised all the rights of +proprietorship in Carnaby's extensive stables. Her interest in +me was from the first undisguised. She found her way to my +worksheds and developed rapidly, in spite of the sincere +discouragement of Cothope, into a keen amateur of aeronautics. +She would come sometimes in the morning, sometimes in the +afternoon, sometimes afoot with an Irish terrier, sometimes +riding. She would come for three or four days every day, vanish +for a fortnight or three weeks, return. + +It was not long before I came to look for her. From the first I +found her immensely interesting. To me she was a new feminine +type altogether--I have made it plain, I think, how limited was +my knowledge of women. But she made me not simply interested in +her, but in myself. She became for me something that greatly +changes a man's world. How shall I put it? She became an +audience. Since I've emerged from the emotional developments of +the affair I have thought it out in a hundred aspects, and it +does seem to me that this way in which men and women make +audiences for one another is a curiously influential force in +their lives. For some it seems an audience is a vital necessity, +they seek audiences as creatures seek food; others again, my +uncle among them, can play to an imaginary audience. I, I think, +have lived and can live without one. In my adolescence I was my +own audience and my own court of honour. And to have an audience +in one's mind is to play a part, to become self-conscious and +dramatic. For many years I had been self-forgetful and +scientific. I had lived for work and impersonal interests until +I found scrutiny, applause and expectation in Beatrice's eyes. +Then I began to live for the effect I imagined I made upon her, +to make that very soon the principal value in my life. I played +to her. I did things for the look of them. I began to dream +more and more of beautiful situations and fine poses and +groupings with her and for her. + +I put these things down because they puzzle me. I think I was in +love with Beatrice, as being in love is usually understood; but +it was quite a different state altogether from my passionate +hunger for Marion, or my keen, sensuous desire for and pleasure +in Effie. These were selfish, sincere things, fundamental and +instinctive, as sincere as the leap of a tiger. But until +matters drew to a crisis with Beatrice, there was an immense +imaginative insurgence of a quite different quality. I am +setting down here very gravely, and perhaps absurdly, what are no +doubt elementary commonplaces for innumerable people. This love +that grew up between Beatrice and myself was, I think--I put it +quite tentatively and rather curiously--romantic love. That +unfortunate and truncated affair of my uncle and the Scrymgeour +lady was really of the same stuff, if a little different in +quality. I have to admit that. The factor of audience was of +primary importance in either else. + +Its effect upon me was to make me in many respects adolescent +again. It made me keener upon the point of honour, and anxious +and eager to do high and splendid things, and in particular, +brave things. So far it ennobled and upheld me. But it did also +push me towards vulgar and showy things. At bottom it was +disingenuous; it gave my life the quality of stage scenery, with +one side to the audience, another side that wasn't meant to show, +and an economy of substance. It certainly robbed my work of high +patience and quality. I cut down the toil of research in my +eagerness and her eagerness for fine flourishes in the air, +flights that would tell. I shirked the longer road. + +And it robbed me, too, of any fine perception of absurdity. + +Yet that was not everything in our relationship. The elemental +thing was there also. It came in very suddenly. + +It was one day in the summer, though I do not now recall without +reference to my experimental memoranda whether it was in July or +August. I was working with a new and more bird-like aeroplane +with wing curvatures studied from Lilienthal, Pilcher and +Phillips, that I thought would give a different rhythm for the +pitching oscillations than anything I'd had before. I was +soaring my long course from the framework on the old barrow by my +sheds down to Tinker's Corner. It is a clear stretch of +downland, except for two or three thickets of box and thorn to +the right of my course; one transverse trough, in which there is +bush and a small rabbit warren, comes in from the east. I had +started, and was very intent on the peculiar long swoop with +which any new arrangement flew. Then, without any sort of +notice, right ahead of me appeared Beatrice, riding towards +Tinker's Corner to waylay and talk to me. She looked round over +her shoulder, saw me coming, touched her horse to a gallop, and +then the brute bolted right into the path of my machine. + +There was a queer moment of doubt whether we shouldn't all smash +together. I had to make up my mind very quickly whether I would +pitch-up and drop backward at once and take my chance of falling +undamaged--a poor chance it would have been--in order to avoid +any risk to her, or whether I would lift against the wind and +soar right over her. This latter I did. She had already got her +horse in hand when I came up to her. Her woman's body lay along +his neck, and she glanced up as I, with wings aspread, and every +nerve in a state of tension, swept over her. + +Then I had landed, and was going back to where her horse stood +still and trembling. + +We exchanged no greetings. She slid from her saddle into my +arms, and for one instant I held her. + +"Those great wings," she said, and that was all. + +She lay in my arms, and I thought for a moment she had fainted. + +"Very near a nasty accident," said Cothope, coming up and +regarding our grouping with disfavour. He took her horse by the +bridle. "Very dangerous thing coming across us like that." + +Beatrice disengaged herself from me, stood for a moment +trembling, and then sat down on the turf "I'll just sit down for +a moment," she said. + +"Oh!" she said. + +She covered her face with her hands, while Cothope looked at her +with an expression between suspicion and impatience. + +For some moments nobody moved. Then Cothope remarked that +perhaps he'd better get her water. + +As for me, I was filled with a new outrageous idea, begotten I +scarcely know how from this incident, with its instant contacts +and swift emotions, and that was that I must make love to and +possess Beatrice. I see no particular reason why that thought +should have come to me in that moment, but it did. I do not +believe that before then I had thought of our relations in such +terms at all. Suddenly, as I remember it, the factor of passion +came. She crouched there, and I stood over her, and neither of +us said a word. But it was just as though something had been +shouted from the sky. + +Cothope had gone twenty paces perhaps when she uncovered her +face. "I shan't want any water," she said. "Call him back." + +VI + +After that the spirit of our relations changed. The old ease had +gone. She came to me less frequently, and when she came she +would have some one with her, usually old Carnaby, and he would +do the bulk of the talking. All through September she was away. +When we were alone together there was a curious constraint. We +became clouds of inexpressible feeling towards one another; we +could think of nothing that was not too momentous for words. + +Then came the smash of Lord Roberts A, and I found myself with a +bandaged face in a bedroom in the Bedley Corner dower-house +with Beatrice presiding over an inefficient nurse, Lady Osprey +very pink and shocked in the background, and my aunt jealously +intervening. + +My injuries were much more showy than serious, and I could have +been taken to Lady Grove next day, but Beatrice would not permit +that, and kept me at Bedley Corner three clear days. In the +afternoon of the second day she became extremely solicitous for +the proper aeration of the nurse, packed her off for an hour in a +brisk rain, and sat by me alone. + +I asked her to marry me. + +All the whole I must admit it was not a situation that lent +itself to eloquence. I lay on my back and talked through +bandages, and with some little difficulty, for my tongue and +mouth had swollen. But I was feverish and in pain, and the +emotional suspense I had been in so long with regard to her +became now an unendurable impatience. + +"Comfortable?" she asked. + +"Yes." + +"Shall I read to you?" + +"No. I want to talk." + +"You can't. I'd better talk to you." + +"No," I said, "I want to talk to you." + +She came and stood by my bedside and looked me in the eyes. "I +don't--I don't want you to talk to me," she said. "I thought you +couldn't talk." + +"I get few chances--of you." + +"You'd better not talk. Don't talk now. Let me chatter instead. + +You ought not to talk." + +"It isn't much" I said. + +"I'd rather you didn't." + +"I'm not going to be disfigured," I said. "Only a scar." + +"Oh!" she said, as if she had expected something quite +different. "Did you think you'd become a sort of gargoyle?" + +"L'Homme qui Rit!--I didn't know. But that's all right. Jolly +flowers those are!" + +"Michaelmas daisies," she said. "I'm glad you'r not disfigured, +and those are perennial sunflowers. Do you know no flowers at +all? When I saw you on the ground I certainly thought you were +dead. You ought to have been, by all the rules of the game." + +She said some other things, but I was thinking of my next move. + +"Are we social equals?" I said abruptly. + +She stared at me. "Queer question," she said. + +"But are we?" + +"H'm. Difficult to say. But why do you ask? Is the daughter of +a courtesy Baron who died--of general disreputableness, I +believe--before his father--? I give it up. Does it matter?" + +"No. My mind is confused. I want to know if you will marry me." + +She whitened and said nothing. I suddenly felt I must plead with +her. "Damn these bandages!" I said, breaking into ineffectual +febrile rage. + +She roused herself to her duties as nurse. "What are you doing? +Why are you trying to sit up? Sit down! Don't touch your +bandages. I told you not to talk." + +She stood helpless for a moment, then took me firmly by the +shoulders and pushed me back upon the pillow. She gripped the +wrist of the hand I had raised to my face. + +"I told you not to talk," she whispered close to my face. "I +asked you not to talk. Why couldn't you do as I asked you?" + +"You've been avoiding me for a month," I said. + +"I know. You might have known. Put your hand back--down by your +side." + +I obeyed. She sat on the edge of the bed. A flush had come to +her cheeks, and her eyes were very bright. "I asked you," she +repeated, "not to talk." + +My eyes questioned her mutely. + +She put her hand on my chest. Her eyes were tormented. + +"How can I answer you now?" she said. + +"How can I say anything now?" + +"What do you mean?" I asked. + +She made no answer. + +"Do you mean it must be 'No'?" + +She nodded. + +"But" I said, and my whole soul was full of accusations. + +"I know," she said. "I can't explain. I can't. But it has to +be 'No!' It can't be. It's utterly, finally, for ever +impossible.... Keep your hands still!" + +"But," I said, "when we met again--" + +"I can't marry. I can't and won't." + +She stood up. "Why did you talk?" she cried, "couldn't you SEE?" + +She seemed to have something it was impossible to say. + +She came to the table beside my bed and pulled the Michaelmas +daisies awry. "Why did you talk like that?" she said in a tone +of infinite bitterness. "To begin like that!" + +"But what is it?" I said. "Is it some circumstance--my social +position?" + +"Oh, DAMN your social position!" she cried. + +She went and stood at the further window, staring out at the +rain. For a long time we were absolutely still. The wind and +rain came in little gusts upon the pane. She turned to me +abruptly. + +"You didn't ask me if I loved you," she said. + +"Oh, if it's THAT!" said I. + +"It's not that," she said. "But if you want to know--" She +paused. + +"I do," she said. + +We stared at one another. + +"I do--with all my heart, if you want to know." + +"Then, why the devil--?" I asked. + +She made no answer. She walked across the room to the piano and +began to play, rather noisily and rapidly, with odd gusts of +emphasis, the shepherd's pipe music from the last act in "Tristan +and Isolde." Presently she missed a note, failed again, ran her +finger heavily up the scale, struck the piano passionately with +her fist, making a feeble jar in the treble, jumped up, and went +out of the room.... + +The nurse found me still wearing my helmet of bandages, partially +dressed, and pottering round the room to find the rest of my +clothes. I was in a state of exasperated hunger for Beatrice, +and I was too inflamed and weakened to conceal the state of my +mind. I was feebly angry because of the irritation of dressing, +and particularly of the struggle to put on my trousers without +being able to see my legs. I was staggering about, and once I +had fallen over a chair and I had upset the jar of Michaelmas +daisies. + +I must have been a detestable spectacle. "I'll go back to bed," +said I, "if I may have a word with Miss Beatrice. I've got +something to say to her. That's why I'm dressing." + +My point was conceded, but there were long delays. Whether the +household had my ultimatum or whether she told Beatrice directly +I do not know, and what Lady Osprey can have made of it in the +former case I don't imagine. + +At last Beatrice came and stood by my bedside. "Well?" she said. + +"All I want to say," I said with the querulous note of a +misunderstood child, "is that I can't take this as final. I want +to see you and talk when I'm better, and write. I can't do +anything now. I can't argue." + +I was overtaken with self-pity and began to snivel, "I can't +rest. You see? I can't do anything." + +She sat down beside me again and spoke softly. "I promise I will +talk it all over with you again. When you are well. I promise I +will meet you somewhere so that we can talk. You can't talk now. + +I asked you not to talk now. All you want to know you shall +know... Will that do?" + +"I'd like to know" + +She looked round to see the door was closed, stood up and went to +it. + +Then she crouched beside me and began whispering very softly and +rapidly with her face close to me. + +"Dear," she said, "I love you. If it will make you happy to +marry me, I will marry you. I was in a mood just now--a stupid, +inconsiderate mood. Of course I will marry you. You are my +prince, my king. Women are such things of mood--or I would have +behaved differently. We say 'No' when we mean 'Yes'--and fly +into crises. So now, Yes--yes--yes. I will. I can't even kiss +you. Give me your hand to kiss that. Understand, I am yours. +Do you understand? I am yours just as if we had been married +fifty years. Your wife--Beatrice. Is that enough? Now--now +will you rest?" + +"Yes," I said, "but why?" + +"There are complications. There are difficulties. When you are +better you will be able to--understand them. But now they don't +matter. Only you know this must be secret--for a time. +Absolutely secret between us. Will you promise that?" + +"Yes," I said, "I understand. I wish I could kiss you." + +She laid her head down beside mine for a moment and then she +kissed my hand. + +"I don't care what difficulties there are," I said, and I shut my +eyes. + +VII + +But I was only beginning to gauge the unaccountable elements in +Beatrice. For a week after my return to Lady Grove I had no sign +of her, and then she called with Lady Osprey and brought a huge +bunch of perennial sunflowers and Michaelmas daisies, "just the +old flowers there were in your room," said my aunt, with a +relentless eye on me. I didn't get any talk alone with Beatrice +then, and she took occasion to tell us she was going to London +for some indefinite number of weeks. I couldn't even pledge her +to write to me, and when she did it was a brief, enigmatical, +friendly letter with not a word of the reality between us. + +I wrote back a love letter--my first love letter--and she made no +reply for eight days. Then came a scrawl: "I can't write +letters. Wait till we can talk. Are you better?" + +I think the reader would be amused if he could see the papers on +my desk as I write all this, the mangled and disfigured pages, +the experimental arrangements of notes, the sheets of suggestions +balanced in constellations, the blottesque intellectual +battlegrounds over which I have been fighting. I find this +account of my relations to Beatrice quite the most difficult part +of my story to write. I happen to be a very objective-minded +person, I forget my moods, and this was so much an affair of +moods. And even such moods and emotions as I recall are very +difficult to convey. To me it is about as difficult as +describing a taste or a scent. + +Then the objective story is made up of little things that are +difficult to set in a proper order. And love in an hysterical +passion, now high, now low, now exalted, and now intensely +physical. No one has ever yet dared to tell a love story +completely, its alternations, its comings and goings, its +debased moments, its hate. The love stories we tell, tell only +the net consequence, the ruling effect.... + +How can I rescue from the past now the mystical quality of +Beatrice; my intense longing for her; the overwhelming, +irrational, formless desire? How can I explain how intimately +that worship mingled with a high, impatient resolve to make her +mine, to take her by strength and courage, to do my loving in a +violent heroic manner? And then the doubts, the puzzled arrest +at the fact of her fluctuations, at her refusal to marry me, at +the fact that even when at last she returned to Bedley Corner she +seemed to evade me? + +That exasperated me and perplexed me beyond measure. + +I felt that it was treachery. I thought of every conceivable +explanation, and the most exalted and romantic confidence in her +did not simply alternate, but mingled with the basest misgivings. + +And into the tangle of memories comes the figure of Carnaby, +coming out slowly from the background to a position of +significance, as an influence, as a predominant strand in the +nets that kept us apart, as a rival. What were the forces that +pulled her away from me when it was so clearly manifest she loved +me? Did she think of marrying him? Had I invaded some +long-planned scheme? It was evident he did not like me, that in +some way I spoilt the world for him. She returned to Bedley +Corner, and for some weeks she was flitting about me, and never +once could I have talk with her alone. When she came to my sheds +Carnaby was always with her, jealously observant. (Why the devil +couldn't she send him about his business?) The days slipped by +and my anger gathered. + +All this mingles with the making of Lord Roberts B. I had +resolved upon that one night as I lay awake at Bedley Corner; I +got it planned out before the bandages were off my face. I +conceived this second navigable balloon in a grandiose manner. +It was to be a second Lord Roberts A, only more so; it was to be +three times as big, large enough to carry three men, and it was +to be an altogether triumphant vindication of my claims upon the +air. The framework was to be hollow like a bird's bones, +airtight, and the air pumped in or out, and the weight of fuel I +carried changed. I talked much and boasted to Cothope--whom I +suspected of scepticisms about this new type--of what it would +do, and it progressed--slowly. It progressed slowly because I +was restless and uncertain. At times I would go away to London +to snatch some chance of seeing Beatrice there, at times nothing +but a day of gliding and hard and dangerous exercise would +satisfy me. And now in the newspapers, in conversation, in +everything about me, arose a new invader of my mental states. +Something was happening to the great schemes of my uncle's +affairs; people were beginning to doubt, to question. It was the +first quiver of his tremendous insecurity, the first wobble of +that gigantic credit top he had kept spinning so long. + +There were comings and goings, November and December slipped by. +I had two unsatisfactory meetings with Beatrice, meetings that +had no privacy--in which we said things of the sort that need +atmosphere, baldly and furtively. I wrote to her several times +and she wrote back notes that I would sometimes respond to +altogether, sometimes condemn as insincere evasions. "You don't +understand. I can't just now explain. Be patient with me. +Leave things a little while to me." She wrote. + +I would talk aloud to these notes and wrangle over them in my +workroom--while the plans of Lord Roberts B waited. + +"You don't give me a chance!" I would say. "Why don't you let me +know the secret? That's what I'm for--to settle difficulties! +to tell difficulties to!" + +And at last I could hold out no longer against these accumulating +pressures. + +I took an arrogant, outrageous line that left her no loopholes; I +behaved as though we were living in a melodrama. + +"You must come and talk to me," I wrote, "or I will come and take +you. I want you--and the time runs away." + +We met in a ride in the upper plantations. It must have been +early in January, for there was snow on the ground and on the +branches of the trees. We walked to and fro for an hour or more, +and from the first I pitched the key high in romance and made +understandings impossible. It was our worst time together. I +boasted like an actor, and she, I know not why, was tired and +spiritless. + +Now I think over that talk in the light of all that has happened +since, I can imagine how she came to me full of a human appeal I +was too foolish to let her make. I don't know. I confess I have +never completely understood Beatrice. I confess I am still +perplexed at many things she said and did. That afternoon, +anyhow, I was impossible. I posed and scolded. I was--I said +it--for "taking the Universe by the throat!" + +"If it was only that," she said, but though I heard, I did not +heed her. + +At last she gave way to me and talked no more. Instead she +looked at me--as a thing beyond her controlling, but none the +less interesting--much as she had looked at me from behind the +skirts of Lady Drew in the Warren when we were children together. + +Once even I thought she smiled faintly. + +"What are the difficulties" I cried. "there's no difficulty I +will not overcome for you! Do your people think I'm no equal for +you? Who says it? My dear, tell me to win a title! I'll do it +in five years!... + +"Here am I just grown a man at the sight of you. I have wanted +something to fight for. Let me fight for you!... + +"I'm rich without intending it. Let me mean it, give me an +honourable excuse for it, and I'll put all this rotten old Warren +of England at your feet!" + +I said such things as that. I write them down here in all their +resounding base pride. I said these empty and foolish things, +and they are part of me. Why should I still cling to pride and +be ashamed? I shouted her down. + +I passed from such megalomania to petty accusations. + +"You think Carnaby is a better man than I?" I said. + +"No!" she cried, stung to speech. "No!" + +"You think we're unsubstantial. You've listened to all these +rumours Boom has started because we talked of a newspaper of our +own. When you are with me you know I'm a man; when you get away +from me you think I'm a cheat and a cad.... There's not a word +of truth in the things they say about us. I've been slack. I've +left things. But we have only to exert ourselves. You do not +know how wide and far we have spread our nets. Even now we have +a coup--an expedition--in hand. It will put us on a footing."... + +Her eyes asked mutely and asked in vain that I would cease to +boast of the very qualities she admired in me. + +In the night I could not sleep for thinking of that talk and the +vulgar things I had said in it. I could not understand the drift +my mind had taken. I was acutely disgusted. And my unwonted +doubts about myself spread from a merely personal discontent to +our financial position. It was all very well to talk as I had +done of wealth and power and peerages, but what did I know +nowadays of my uncle's position? Suppose in the midst of such +boasting and confidence there came some turn I did not suspect, +some rottenness he had concealed from me? I resolved I had been +playing with aeronautics long enough; that next morning I would +go to him and have things clear between us. + +I caught an early train and went up to the Hardingham. + +I went up to the Hardingham through a dense London fog to see how +things really stood. Before I had talked to my uncle for ten +minutes I felt like a man who has just awakened in a bleak, +inhospitable room out of a grandiose dream. + + +CHAPTER THE FOURTH + +HOW I STOLE THE HEAPS OF QUAP FROM MORDET ISLAND + +I + +"We got to make a fight for it," said my uncle. "We got to face +the music!" + +I remember that even at the sight of him I had a sense of +impending calamity. He sat under the electric light with the +shadow of his hair making bars down his face. He looked +shrunken, and as though his skin had suddenly got loose and +yellow. The decorations of the room seemed to have lost +freshness, and outside the blinds were up--there was not so much +fog as a dun darkness. One saw the dingy outlines of the +chimneys opposite quite distinctly, and then a sky of such brown +as only London can display. + +"I saw a placard," I said: "'More Ponderevity.'" + +"That's Boom," he said. "Boom and his damned newspapers. He's +trying to fight me down. Ever since I offered to buy the Daily +Decorator he's been at me. And he thinks consolidating Do Ut cut +down the ads. He wants everything, damn him! He's got no sense +of dealing. I'd like to bash his face!" + +"Well," I said, "what's to be done?" + +"Keep going," said my uncle. + +"I'll smash Boom yet," he said, with sudden savagery. + +"Nothing else?" I asked. + +"We got to keep going. There's a scare on. Did you notice the +rooms? Half the people out there this morning are reporters. +And if I talk they touch it up!... They didn't used to touch +things up! Now they put in character touches--insulting you. +Don't know what journalism's coming to. It's all Boom's doing." + +He cursed Lord Boom with considerable imaginative vigour. + +"Well," said I, "what can he do?" + +"Shove us up against time, George; make money tight for us. We +been handling a lot of money--and he tightens us up." + +"We're sound?" + +"Oh, we're sound, George. Trust me for that! But all the same-- +There's such a lot of imagination in these things.... We're +sound enough. That's not it." + +He blew. "Damn Boom!" he said, and his eyes over his glasses met +mine defiantly. + +"We can't, I suppose, run close hauled for a bitstop +expenditure?" + +"Where?" + +"Well,--Crest Hill" + +"What!" he shouted. "Me stop Crest Hill for Boom!" He waved a +fist as if to hit his inkpot, and controlled himself with +difficulty. He spoke at last in a reasonable voice. "If I did," +he said, "he'd kick up a fuss. It's no good, even if I wanted +to. Everybody's watching the place. If I was to stop building +we'd be down in a week." + +He had an idea. "I wish I could do something to start a strike +or something. No such luck. Treat those workmen a sight too +well. No, sink or swim, Crest Hill goes on until we're under +water." + +I began to ask questions and irritated him instantly. + +"Oh, dash these explanations, George!" he cried; "You only make +things look rottener than they are. It's your way. It isn't a +case of figures. We're all right--there's only one thing we got +to do." + +"Yes?" + +"Show value, George. That's where this quap comes in; that's why +I fell in so readily with what you brought to me week before +last. Here we are, we got our option on the perfect filament, +and all we want's canadium. Nobody knows there's more canadium +in the world than will go on the edge of a sixpence except me and +you. Nobody has an idee the perfect filament's more than just a +bit of theorising. Fifty tons of quap and we'd turn that bit of +theorising into something. We'd make the lamp trade sit on its +tail and howl. We'd put Ediswan and all of 'em into a parcel +withour last year's trousers and a hat, and swap 'em off for a +pot ofgeraniums. See? We'd do it through Business +Organisations, and there you are! See? Capern's Patent Filament! + +The Ideal and the Real! George, we'll do it! We'll bring it +off! And then we'll give such a facer to Boom, he'll think for +fifty years. He's laying up for our London and African meeting. +Let him. He can turn the whole paper on to us. He says the +Business Organisations shares aren't worth fifty-two and we quote +'em at eighty-four. Well, here we are gettin' ready for +him--loading our gun." + +His pose was triumphant. + +"Yes," I said, "that's all right. But I can't help thinking +where should we be if we hadn't just by accident got Capern's +Perfect Filament. Because, you know it was an accident--my +buying up that." + +He crumpled up his nose into an expression of impatient distaste +at my unreasonableness. + +"And after all, the meeting's in June, and you haven't begun to +get the quap! After all, we've still got to load our gun." + +"They start on Toosday." + +"Have they got the brig?" + +"They've got a brig." + +"Gordon-Nasmyth!" I doubted. + +"Safe as a bank," he said. "More I see of that man the more I +like him. All I wish is we'd got a steamer instead of a sailing +ship" + +"And," I went on, "you seem to overlook what used to weigh with +us a bit. This canadium side of the business and the Capern +chance has rushed you off your legs. After all--it's stealing, +and in its way an international outrage. They've got two +gunboats on the coast." + +I jumped up and went and stared out at the fog. + +"And, by Jove, it's about our only chance! I didn't dream." + +I turned on him. "I've been up in the air," I said. + +"Heaven knows where I haven't been. And here's our only +chance--and you give it to that adventurous lunatic to play in +his own way--in a brig!" + +"Well, you had a voice--" + +"I wish I'd been in this before. We ought to have run out a +steamer to Lagos or one of those West Coast places and done it +from there. Fancy a brig in the channel at this time of year, if +it blows southwest!" + +"I dessay you'd have shoved it, George. Still you know, +George.... I believe in him." + +"Yes," I said. "Yes, I believe in him, too. In a way. Still--" + +We took up a telegram that was lying on his desk and opened it. +His face became a livid yellow. He put the flimsy paper down +with a slow, reluctant movement and took off his glasses. + +"George," he said, "the luck's against us." + +"What?" + +He grimaced with his mouth--in the queerest way at the telegram. + +"That." + +I took it up and read: + +"Motor smash compound fracture of the leg gordon nasmyth what +price mordet now" + +For a moment neither of us spoke. + +"That's all right," I said at last. + +"Eh?" said my uncle. + +"I'M going. I'll get that quap or bust." + +II + +I had a ridiculous persuasion that I was "saving the situation." + +"I'm going," I said quite consciously and dramatically. I saw +the whole affair--how shall I put it?--in American colours. + +I sat down beside him. "Give me all the data you've got," I +said, "and I'll pull this thing off." + +"But nobody knows exactly where--" + +"Nasmyth does, and he'll tell me." + +"He's been very close," said my uncle, and regarded me. + +"He'll tell me all right, now he's smashed." + +He thought. "I believe he will." + +"George," he said, "if you pull this thing off--Once or twice +before you've stepped in--with that sort of Woosh of yours--" + +He left the sentence unfinished. + +"Give me that note-book," I said, "and tell me all you know. +Where's the ship? Where's Pollack? And where's that telegram +from? If that quap's to be got, I'll get it or bust. If you'll +hold on here until I get back with it."... + +And so it was I jumped into the wildest adventure of my life. + +I requisitioned my uncle's best car forthwith. I went down that +night to the place of despatch named on Nasmyth's telegram, +Bampton S.O. Oxon, routed him out with a little trouble from +that centre, made things right with him and got his explicit +directions; and I was inspecting the Maud Mary with young +Pollack, his cousin and aide, the following afternoon. She was +rather a shock to me and not at all in my style, a beast of a +brig inured to the potato trade, and she reeked from end to end +with the faint, subtle smell of raw potatoes so that it prevailed +even over the temporary smell of new paint. She was a beast of a +brig, all hold and dirty framework, and they had ballasted her +with old iron and old rails and iron sleepers, and got a +miscellaneous lot of spades and iron wheelbarrows against the +loading of the quap. I thought her over with Pollack, one of +those tall blond young men who smoke pipes and don't help much, +and then by myself, and as a result I did my best to sweep +Gravesend clean of wheeling planks, and got in as much cord and +small rope as I could for lashing. I had an idea we might need +to run up a jetty. In addition to much ballast she held, +remotely hidden in a sort of inadvertent way a certain number of +ambiguous cases which I didn't examine, but which I gathered were +a provision against the need of a trade. + +The captain was a most extraordinary creature, under the +impression we were after copper ore; he was a Roumanian Jew, +with twitching, excitable features, who had made his way to a +certificate after some preliminary naval experiences in the Black +Sea. The mate was an Essex man of impenetrable reserve. The +crew were astoundingly ill-clad and destitute and dirty; most of +them youths, unwashed, out of colliers. One, the cook was a +mulatto; and one, the best-built fellow of them all, was a +Breton. There was some subterfuge about our position on board--I +forget the particulars now--I was called the supercargo and +Pollack was the steward. This added to the piratical flavour +that insufficient funds and Gordon-Nasmyth's original genius had +already given the enterprise. + +Those two days of bustle at Gravesend, under dingy skies, in +narrow, dirty streets, were a new experience for me. It is like +nothing else in my life. I realised that I was a modern and a +civilised man. I found the food filthy and the coffee horrible; +the whole town stank in my nostrils, the landlord of the Good +Intent on the quay had a stand-up quarrel with us before I could +get even a hot bath, and the bedroom I slept in was infested by a +quantity of exotic but voracious flat parasites called locally +"bugs," in the walls, in the woodwork, everywhere. I fought +them with insect powder, and found them comatose in the morning. +I was dipping down into the dingy underworld of the contemporary +state, and I liked it no better than I did my first dip into it +when I stayed with my Uncle Nicodemus Frapp at the bakery at +Chatham--where, by-the-by, we had to deal with cockroaches of a +smaller, darker variety, and also with bugs of sorts. + +Let me confess that through all this time before we started I was +immensely self-conscious, and that Beatrice played the part of +audience in my imagination throughout. I was, as I say, "saving +the situation," and I was acutely aware of that. The evening +before we sailed, instead of revising our medicine-chest as I +had intended, I took the car and ran across country to Lady Grove +to tell my aunt of the journey I was making, dress, and astonish +Lady Osprey by an after dinner call. + +The two ladies were at home and alone beside a big fire that +seemed wonderfully cheerful after the winter night. I remember +the effect of the little parlour in which they sat as very bright +and domestic. Lady Osprey, in a costume of mauve and lace, sat +on a chintz sofa and played an elaborately spread-out patience +by the light of a tall shaded lamp; Beatrice, in a whiteness +that showed her throat, smoked a cigarette in an armchair and +read with a lamp at her elbow. The room was white-panelled and +chintz-curtained. About those two bright centres of light were +warm dark shadow, in which a circular mirror shone like a pool of +brown water. I carried off my raid by behaving like a slave of +etiquette. There were moments when I think I really made Lady +Osprey believe that my call was an unavoidable necessity, that +it would have been negligent of me not to call just how and when +I did. But at the best those were transitory moments. + +They received me with disciplined amazement. Lady Osprey was +interested in my face and scrutinised the scar. Beatrice stood +behind her solicitude. Our eyes met, and in hers I could see +startled interrogations. + +"I'm going," I said, "to the west coast of Africa." + +They asked questions, but it suited my mood to be vague. + +"We've interests there. It is urgent I should go. I don't know +when I may return." + +After that I perceived Beatrice surveyed me steadily. + +The conversation was rather difficult. I embarked upon lengthy +thanks for their kindness to me after my accident. I tried to +understand Lady Osprey's game of patience, but it didn't appear +that Lady Osprey was anxious for me to understand her patience. +I came to the verge of taking my leave + +"You needn't go yet," said Beatrice, abruptly. + +She walked across to the piano, took a pile of music from the +cabinet near, surveyed Lady Osprey's back, and with a gesture to +me dropped it all deliberately on to the floor. + +"Must talk," she said, kneeling close to me as I helped her to +pick it up. "Turn my pages. At the piano." + +"I can't read music." + +"Turn my pages." + +Presently we were at the piano, and Beatrice was playing with +noisy inaccuracy. She glanced over her shoulder and Lady Osprey +had resumed her patience. The old lady was very pink, and +appeared to be absorbed in some attempt to cheat herself without +our observing it. + +"Isn't West Africa a vile climate?" "Are you going to live +there?" "Why are you going?" + +Beatrice asked these questions in a low voice and gave me no +chance to answer. Then taking a rhythm from the music before +her, she said-- + +"At the back of the house is a garden--a door in the wall--on the +lane. Understand?" + +I turned over the pages without any effect on her playing. + +"When?" I asked. + +She dealt in chords. "I wish I COULD play this!" she said. +"Midnight." + +She gave her attention to the music for a time. + +"You may have to wait." + +"I'll wait." + +She brought her playing to an end by--as school boys +say--"stashing it up." + +"I can't play to-night," she said, standing up and meeting my +eyes. "I wanted to give you a parting voluntary." + +"Was that Wagner, Beatrice?" asked Lady Osprey looking up from +her cards. "It sounded very confused." + +I took my leave. I had a curious twinge of conscience as I +parted from Lady Osprey. Either a first intimation of +middle-age or my inexperience in romantic affairs was to blame, +but I felt a very distinct objection to the prospect of invading +this good lady's premises from the garden door. I motored up to +the pavilion, found Cothope reading in bed, told him for the +first time of West Africa, spent an hour with him in settling all +the outstanding details of Lord Roberts B, and left that in his +hands to finish against my return. I sent the motor back to Lady +Grove, and still wearing my fur coat--for the January night was +damp and bitterly cold--walked to Bedley Corner. I found the +lane to the back of the Dower House without any difficulty, and +was at the door in the wall with ten minutes to spare. I lit a +cigar and fell to walking up and down. This queer flavour of +intrigue, this nocturnal garden-door business, had taken me by +surprise and changed my mental altitudes. I was startled out of +my egotistical pose and thinking intently of Beatrice, of that +elfin quality in her that always pleased me, that always took me +by surprise, that had made her for example so instantly conceive +this meeting. + +She came within a minute of midnight; the door opened softly and +she appeared, a short, grey figure in a motor-coat of sheepskin, +bareheaded to the cold drizzle. She flitted up to me, and her +eyes were shadows in her dusky face. + +"Why are you going to West Africa?" she asked at once. + +"Business crisis. I have to go." + +"You're not going--? You're coming back?" + +"Three or four months," I said, "at most." + +"Then, it's nothing to do with me?" + +"Nothing," I said. "Why should it have?" + +"Oh, that's all right. One never knows what people think or what +people fancy." She took me by the arm, "Let's go for a walk," +she said. + +I looked about me at darkness and rain. + +"That's all right," she laughed. "We can go along the lane and +into the Old Woking Road. Do you mind? Of course you don't. My +head. It doesn't matter. One never meets anybody." + +"How do you know?" + +"I've wandered like this before.... Of course. Did you +think"--she nodded her head back at her home--"that's all?" + +"No, by Jove!" I cried; "it's manifest it isn't." + +She took my arm and turned me down the lane. "Night's my time," +she said by my side. "There's a touch of the werewolf in my +blood. One never knows in these old families.... I've wondered +often.... Here we are, anyhow, alone in the world. Just +darkness and cold and a sky of clouds and wet. And we--together. + +I like the wet on my face and hair, don't you? When do you +sail?" + +I told her to-morrow. + +"Oh, well, there's no to-morrow now. You and I!" She stopped +and confronted me. + +"You don't say a word except to answer!" + +"No," I said. + +"Last time you did all the talking." + +"Like a fool. Now--" + +We looked at each other's two dim faces. "You're glad to be +here?" + +"I'm glad--I'm beginning to be--it's more than glad." + +She put her hands on my shoulders and drew me down to kiss her. + +"Ah!" she said, and for a moment or so we just clung to one +another. + +"That's all," she said, releasing herself. "What bundles of +clothes we are to-night. I felt we should kiss some day again. +Always. The last time was ages ago." + +"Among the fern stalks." + +"Among the bracken. You remember. And your lips were cold. +Were mine? The same lips--after so long--after so much!... And +now let's trudge through this blotted-out world together for a +time. Yes, let me take your arm. Just trudge. See? Hold tight +to me because I know the way--and don't talk--don't talk. Unless +you want to talk.... Let me tell you things! You see, dear, the +whole world is blotted out--it's dead and gone, and we're in this +place. This dark wild place.... We're dead. Or all the world +is dead. No! We're dead. No one can see us. We're shadows. +We've got out of our positions, out of our bodies--and together. +That's the good thing of it--together. But that's why the world +can't see us and why we hardly see the world. Sssh! Is it all +right?" + +"It's all right," I said. + +We stumbled along for a time in a close silence. We passed a +dim-lit, rain-veiled window. + +"The silly world," she said, "the silly world! It eats and +sleeps. If the wet didn't patter so from the trees we'd hear it +snoring. It's dreaming such stupid things--stupid judgments. It +doesn't know we are passing, we two--free of it--clear of it. +You and I!" + +We pressed against each other reassuringly. + +"I'm glad we're dead," she whispered. "I'm glad we're dead. I +was tired of it, dear. I was so tired of it, dear, and so +entangled." + +She stopped abruptly. + +We splashed through a string of puddles. I began to remember +things I had meant to say. + +"Look here!" I cried. "I want to help you beyond measure. You +are entangled. What is the trouble? I asked you to marry me. +You said you would. But there's something." + +My thoughts sounded clumsy as I said them. + +"Is it something about my position?... Or is it +something--perhaps--about some other man?" + +There was an immense assenting silence. + +"You've puzzled me so. At first--I mean quite early--I thought +you meant to make me marry you." + +"I did." + +"And then?" + +"To-night," she said after a long pause, "I can't explain. No! +I can't explain. I love you! But--explanations! To-night my +dear, here we are in the world alone--and the world doesn't +matter. Nothing matters. Here I am in the cold with you and my +bed away there deserted. I'd tell you--I will tell you when +things enable me to tell you, and soon enough they will. But +to-night--I won't--I won't." + +She left my side and went in front of me. + +She turned upon me. "Look here," she said, "I insist upon your +being dead. Do you understand? I'm not joking. To-night you +and I are out of life. It's our time together. There may be +other times, but this we won't spoil. We're--in Hades if you +like. Where there's nothing to hide and nothing to tell. No +bodies even. No bothers. We loved each other--down there--and +were kept apart, but now it doesn't matter. It's over.... If +you won't agree to that--I will go home." + +"I wanted," I began. + +"I know. Oh! my dear, if you'd only understand I understand. If +you'd only not care--and love me to-night." + +"I do love you," I said. + +"Then LOVE me," she answered, "and leave all the things that +bother you. Love me! Here I am!" + +"But!--" + +"No!" she said. + +"Well, have your way." + +So she carried her point, and we wandered into the night together +and Beatrice talked to me of love.... + +I'd never heard a woman before in all my life who could talk of +love, who could lay bare and develop and touch with imagination +all that mass of fine emotion every woman, it may be, hides. She +had read of love, she had thought of love, a thousand sweet +lyrics had sounded through her brain and left fine fragments in +her memory; she poured it out, all of it, shamelessly, skilfully, +for me. I cannot give any sense of that talk, I cannot even tell +how much of the delight of it was the magic of her voice, the +glow of her near presence. And always we walked swathed warmly +through a chilly air, along dim, interminable greasy roads--with +never a soul abroad it seemed to us, never a beast in the fields. + +"Why do people love each other?" I said. + +"Why not?" + +"But why do I love you? Why is your voice better than any voice, +your face sweeter than any face?" + +"And why do I love you?" she asked; "not only what is fine in +you, but what isn't? Why do I love your dullness, your +arrogance? For I do. To--night I love the very raindrops on the +fur of your coat!"... + +So we talked; and at last very wet, still glowing but a little +tired, we parted at the garden door. We had been wandering for +two hours in our strange irrational community of happiness, and +all the world about us, and particularly Lady Osprey and her +household, had been asleep--and dreaming of anything rather than +Beatrice in the night and rain. + +She stood in the doorway, a muffled figure with eyes that glowed. + +"Come back," she whispered. "I shall wait for you." + +She hesitated. + +She touched the lapel of my coat. "I love you NOW," she said, +and lifted her face to mine. + +I held her to me and was atremble from top to toe. "O God!" I +cried. "And I must go!" + +She slipped from my arms and paused, regarding me. For an +instant the world seemed full of fantastic possibilities. + +"Yes, GO!" she said, and vanished and slammed the door upon me, +leaving me alone like a man new fallen from fairyland in the +black darkness of the night. + +III + +That expedition to Mordet Island stands apart from all the rest +of my life, detached, a piece by itself with an atmosphere of +its own. It would, I suppose, make a book by itself--it has made +a fairly voluminous official report--but so far as this novel of +mine goes it is merely an episode, a contributory experience, and +I mean to keep it at that. + +Vile weather, an impatient fretting against unbearable slowness +and delay, sea--sickness, general discomfort and humiliating +self--revelation are the master values of these memories. + +I was sick all through the journey out. I don't know why. It +was the only time I was ever sea-sick, and I have seen some +pretty bad weather since I became a boat-builder. But that +phantom smell of potatoes was peculiarly vile to me. Coming back +on the brig we were all ill, every one of us, so soon as we got +to sea, poisoned, I firmly believe, by quap. On the way out +most of the others recovered in a few days, but the stuffiness +below, the coarse food, the cramped dirty accommodation kept me, +if not actually sea-sick, in a state of acute physical +wretchedness the whole time. The ship abounded in cockroaches +and more intimate vermin. I was cold all the time until after we +passed Cape Verde, then I became steamily hot; I had been too +preoccupied with Beatrice and my keen desire to get the Maud Mary +under way at once, to consider a proper wardrobe for myself, and +in particular I lacked a coat. Heavens! how I lacked that coat! +And, moreover, I was cooped up with two of the worst bores in +Christendom, Pollack and the captain. Pollack, after conducting +his illness in a style better adapted to the capacity of an opera +house than a small compartment, suddenly got insupportably well +and breezy, and produced a manly pipe in which he smoked a +tobacco as blond as himself, and divided his time almost equally +between smoking it and trying to clean it. "There's only three +things you can clean a pipe with," he used to remark with a twist +of paper in hand. "The best's a feather, the second's a straw, +and the third's a girl's hairpin. I never see such a ship. You +can't find any of 'em. Last time I came this way I did find +hairpins anyway, and found 'em on the floor of the captain's +cabin. Regular deposit. Eh?... Feelin' better?" + +At which I usually swore. + +"Oh, you'll be all right soon. Don't mind my puffin' a bit? +Eh?" + +He never tired of asking me to "have a hand at Nap. Good game. +Makes you forget it, and that's half the battle." + +He would sit swaying with the rolling of the ship and suck at his +pipe of blond tobacco and look with an inexpressibly sage but +somnolent blue eye at the captain by the hour together. +"Captain's a Card," he would say over and over again as the +outcome of these meditations. "He'd like to know what we're up +to. He'd like to know--no end." + +That did seem to be the captain's ruling idea. But he also +wanted to impress me with the notion that he was a gentleman of +good family and to air a number of views adverse to the English, +to English literature, to the English constitution, and the like. + +He had learnt the sea in the Roumanian navy, and English out of a +book; he would still at times pronounce the e's at the end of +"there" and "here"; he was a naturalised Englishman, and he drove +me into a reluctant and uncongenial patriotism by his everlasting +carping at things English. Pollack would set himself to "draw +him out." Heaven alone can tell how near I came to murder. + +Fifty-three days I had outward, cooped up with these two and a +shy and profoundly depressed mate who read the Bible on Sundays +and spent the rest of his leisure in lethargy, three and fifty +days of life cooped up in a perpetual smell, in a persistent sick +hunger that turned from the sight of food, in darkness, cold and +wet, in a lightly ballasted ship that rolled and pitched and +swayed. And all the time the sands in the hour-glass of my +uncle's fortunes were streaming out. Misery! Amidst it all I +remember only one thing brightly, one morning of sunshine in the +Bay of Biscay and a vision of frothing waves, sapphire green, a +bird following our wake and our masts rolling about the sky. +Then wind and rain close in on us again. + +You must not imagine they were ordinary days, days, I mean, of an +average length; they were not so much days as long damp slabs of +time that stretched each one to the horizon, and much of that +length was night. One paraded the staggering deck in a borrowed +sou'-wester hour after hour in the chilly, windy, splashing and +spitting darkness, or sat in the cabin, bored and ill, and +looked at the faces of those inseparable companions by the help +of a lamp that gave smell rather than light. Then one would see +going up, up, up, and then sinking down, down, down, Pollack, +extinct pipe in mouth, humorously observant, bringing his mind +slowly to the seventy-seventh decision that the captain was a +Card, while the words flowed from the latter in a nimble +incessant good. "Dis England eet is not a country aristocratic, +no! Eet is a glorified bourgeoisie! Eet is plutocratic. In +England dere is no aristocracy since de Wars of Roses. In the +rest of Europe east of the Latins, yes; in England, no. + +"Eet is all middle-class, youra England. Everything you look +at, middle-class. Respectable! Everything good--eet is, you +say, shocking. Madame Grundy! Eet is all limited and computing +and self-seeking. Dat is why your art is so limited, youra +fiction, your philosophin, why you are all so inartistic. You +want nothing but profit! What will pay! What would you?"... + +He had all those violent adjuncts to speech we Western Europeans +have abandoned, shruggings of the shoulders, waving of the arms, +thrusting out of the face, wonderful grimaces and twiddlings of +the hands under your nose until you wanted to hit them away. Day +after day it went on, and I had to keep any anger to myself, to +reserve myself for the time ahead when it would be necessary to +see the quap was got aboard and stowed--knee deep in this man's +astonishment. I knew he would make a thousand objections to all +we had before us. He talked like a drugged man. It ran glibly +over his tongue. And all the time one could see his seamanship +fretting him, he was gnawed by responsibility, perpetually +uneasy about the ship's position, perpetually imagining dangers. +If a sea hit us exceptionally hard he'd be out of the cabin in an +instant making an outcry of inquiries, and he was pursued by a +dread of the hold, of ballast shifting, of insidious wicked +leaks. As we drew near the African coast his fear of rocks and +shoals became infectious. + +"I do not know dis coast," he used to say. "I cama hera because +Gordon-Nasmyth was coming too. Den he does not come!" + +"Fortunes of war," I said, and tried to think in vain if any +motive but sheer haphazard could have guided Gordon-Nasmyth in +the choice of these two men. I think perhaps Gordon-Nasmyth had +the artistic temperament and wanted contrasts, and also that the +captain helped him to express his own malignant Anti-Britishism. + +He was indeed an exceptionally inefficient captain. On the whole +I was glad I had come even at the eleventh hour to see to things. + +(The captain, by-the-by, did at last, out of sheer nervousness, +get aground at the end of Mordet's Island, but we got off in an +hour or so with a swell and a little hard work in the boat.) + +I suspected the mate of his opinion of the captain long before he +expressed it. He was, I say, a taciturn man, but one day speech +broke through him. He had been sitting at the table with his +arms folded on it, musing drearily, pipe in mouth, and the voice +of the captain drifted down from above. + +The mate lifted his heavy eyes to me and regarded me for a +moment. Then he began to heave with the beginnings of speech. +He disembarrassed himself of his pipe. I cowered with +expectation. Speech was coming at last. Before he spoke he +nodded reassuringly once or twice. + +"E--" + +He moved his head strangely and mysteriously, but a child might +have known he spoke of the captain. + +"E's a foreigner." + +He regarded me doubtfully for a time, and at last decided for the +sake of lucidity to clench the matter. + +"That's what E is--a DAGO!" + +He nodded like a man who gives a last tap to a nail, and I could +see he considered his remark well and truly laid. His face, +though still resolute, became as tranquil and uneventful as a +huge hall after a public meeting has dispersed out of it, and +finally he closed and locked it with his pipe. + +"Roumanian Jew, isn't he?" I said. + +He nodded darkly and almost forbiddingly. + +More would have been too much. The thing was said. But from +that time forth I knew I could depend upon him and that he and I +were friends. It happens I never did have to depend upon him, +but that does not affect our relationship. + +Forward the crew lived lives very much after the fashion of ours, +more crowded, more cramped and dirty, wetter, steamier, more +verminous. The coarse food they had was still not so coarse but +that they did not think they were living "like fighting cocks." +So far as I could make out they were all nearly destitute men; +hardly any of them had a proper sea outfit, and what small +possessions they had were a source of mutual distrust. And as +we pitched and floundered southward they gambled and fought, were +brutal to one another, argued and wrangled loudly, until we +protested at the uproar. + +There's no romance about the sea in a small sailing ship as I saw +it. The romance is in the mind of the landsman dreamer. These +brigs and schooners and brigantines that still stand out from +every little port are relics from an age of petty trade, as +rotten and obsolescent as a Georgian house that has sunken into a +slum. They are indeed just floating fragments of slum, much as +icebergs are floating fragments of glacier. The civilised man who +has learnt to wash, who has developed a sense of physical +honour, of cleanly temperate feeding, of time, can endure them no +more. They pass, and the clanking coal-wasting steamers will +follow them, giving place to cleaner, finer things.... + +But so it was I made my voyage to Africa, and came at last into a +world of steamy fogs and a hot smell of vegetable decay, and into +sound and sight of surf and distant intermittent glimpses of the +coast. I lived a strange concentrated life through all that +time, such a life as a creature must do that has fallen in a +well. All my former ways ceased, all my old vistas became +memories. + +The situation I was saving was very small and distant now; I felt +its urgency no more. Beatrice and Lady Grove, my uncle and the +Hardingham, my soaring in the air and my habitual wide vision of +swift effectual things, became as remote as if they were in some +world I had left for ever.... + +IV + +All these African memories stand by themselves. It was for me an +expedition into the realms of undisciplined nature out of the +world that is ruled by men, my first bout with that hot side of +our mother that gives you the jungle--that cold side that gives +you the air-eddy I was beginning to know passing well. They are +memories woven upon a fabric of sunshine and heat and a constant +warm smell of decay. They end in rain--such rain as I had never +seen before, a vehement, a frantic downpouring of water, but our +first slow passage through the channels behind Mordet's Island +was in incandescent sunshine. + +There we go in my memory still, a blistered dirty ship with +patched sails and a battered mermaid to present Maud Mary, +sounding and taking thought between high ranks of forest whose +trees come out knee-deep at last in the water. There we go +with a little breeze on our quarter, Mordet Island rounded and +the quap, it might be within a day of us. + +Here and there strange blossoms woke the dank intensities of +green with a trumpet call of colour. Things crept among the +jungle and peeped and dashed back rustling into stillness. +Always in the sluggishly drifting, opaque water were eddyings +and stirrings; little rushes of bubbles came chuckling up +light-heartedly from this or that submerged conflict and +tragedy; now and again were crocodiles like a stranded fleet of +logs basking in the sun. Still it was by day, a dreary stillness +broken only by insect sounds and the creaking and flapping of our +progress, by the calling of the soundings and the captain's +confused shouts; but in the night as we lay moored to a clump of +trees the darkness brought a thousand swampy things to life and +out of the forest came screaming and howlings, screaming and +yells that made us glad to be afloat. And once we saw between +the tree stems long blazing fires. We passed two or three +villages landward, and brown-black women and children came and +stared at us and gesticulated, and once a man came out in a boat +from a creek and hailed us in an unknown tongue; and so at last +we came to a great open place, a broad lake rimmed with a +desolation of mud and bleached refuse and dead trees, free from +crocodiles or water birds or sight or sound of any living thing, +and saw far off, even as Nasmyth had described, the ruins of the +deserted station, and hard by two little heaps of buff-hued +rubbish under a great rib of rock, the quap! The forest receded. +The land to the right of us fell away and became barren, and far +on across notch in its backbone was surf and the sea. + +We took the ship in towards those heaps and the ruined jetty +slowly and carefully. The captain came and talked. + +"This is eet?" he said. + +"Yes," said I. + +"Is eet for trade we have come?" + +This was ironical. + +"No," said I. + +"Gordon-Nasmyth would haf told me long ago what it ees for we +haf come." + +"I'll tell you now," I said. "We are going to lay in as close as +we can to those two heaps of stuff--you see them?--under the +rock. Then we are going to chuck all our ballast overboard and +take those in. Then we're going home." + +"May I presume to ask--is eet gold?" + +"No," I said incivilly, "it isn't." + +"Then what is it?" + +"It's stuff--of some commercial value." + +"We can't do eet," he said. + +"We can," I answered reassuringly. + +"We can't," he said as confidently. "I don't mean what you mean. + +You know so liddle--But--dis is forbidden country." + +I turned on him suddenly angry and met bright excited eyes. For +a minute we scrutinised one another. Then I said, "That's our +risk. Trade is forbidden. But this isn't trade.... This thing's +got to be done." + +His eyes glittered and he shook his head.... + +The brig stood in slowly through the twilight toward this strange +scorched and blistered stretch of beach, and the man at the wheel +strained his ears to listening the low-voiced angry argument +that began between myself and the captain, that was presently +joined by Pollack. We moored at last within a hundred yards of +our goal, and all through our dinner and far into the night we +argued intermittently and fiercely with the captain about our +right to load just what we pleased. "I will haf nothing to do +with eet," he persisted. "I wash my hands." It seemed that +night as though we argued in vain. "If it is not trade," he +said, "it is prospecting and mining. That is worse. Any one who +knows anything--outside England--knows that is worse." + +We argued and I lost my temper and swore at him. Pollack kept +cooler and chewed his pipe watchfully with that blue eye of his +upon the captain's gestures. Finally I went on deck to cool. +The sky was overcast I discovered all the men were in a knot +forward, staring at the faint quivering luminosity that had +spread over the heaps of quap, a phosphorescence such as one sees +at times on rotting wood. And about the beach east and west +there were patches and streaks of something like diluted +moonshine.... + +In the small hours I was still awake and turning over scheme +after scheme in my mind whereby I might circumvent the captain's +opposition. I meant to get that quap aboard if I had to kill +some one to do it. Never in my life had I been so thwarted! +After this intolerable voyage! There came a rap at my cabin door +and then it opened and I made out a bearded face. "Come in," I +said, and a black voluble figure I could just see obscurely came +in to talk in my private ear and fill my cabin with its +whisperings and gestures. It was the captain. He, too, had been +awake and thinking things over. He had come to +explain--enormously. I lay there hating him and wondering if I +and Pollack could lock him in his cabin and run the ship without +him. "I do not want to spoil dis expedition," emerged from a +cloud of protestations, and then I was able to disentangle "a +commission--shush a small commission--for special risks!" +"Special risks" became frequent. I let him explain himself out. +It appeared he was also demanding an apology for something I had +said. No doubt I had insulted him generously. At last came +definite offers. I broke my silence and bargained. + +"Pollack!" I cried and hammered the partition. + +"What's up?" asked Pollack. + +I stated the case concisely. + +There came a silence. + +"He's a Card," said Pollack. "Let's give him his commission. I +don't mind." + +"Eh?" I cried. + +"I said he was a Card, that's all," said Pollack. "I'm coming." + +He appeared in my doorway a faint white figure joined our +vehement whisperings. + +We had to buy the captain off; we had to promise him ten per +cent. of our problematical profits. We were to give him ten per +cent. on what we sold the cargo for over and above his +legitimate pay, and I found in my out-bargained and disordered +state small consolation in the thought that I, as the +Gordon-Nasmyth expedition, was to sell the stuff to myself as +Business Organisations. And he further exasperated me by +insisting on having our bargain in writing. "In the form of a +letter," he insisted. + +"All right," I acquiesced, "in the form of a letter. Here goes! +Get a light!" + +"And the apology," he said, folding up the letter. + +"All right," I said; "Apology." + +My hand shook with anger as I wrote, and afterwards I could not +sleep for hate of him. At last I got up. I suffered, I found, +from an unusual clumsiness. I struck my toe against my cabin +door, and cut myself as I shaved. I found myself at last pacing +the deck under the dawn in a mood of extreme exasperation. The +sun rose abruptly and splashed light blindingly into my eyes and +I swore at the sun. I found myself imagining fresh obstacles +with the men and talking aloud in anticipatory rehearsal of the +consequent row. + +The malaria of the quap was already in my blood. + +V + +Sooner or later the ridiculous embargo that now lies upon all the +coast eastward of Mordet Island will be lifted and the reality of +the deposits of quap ascertained. I am sure that we were merely +taking the outcrop of a stratum of nodulated deposits that dip +steeply seaward. Those heaps were merely the crumbled out +contents of two irregular cavities in the rock; they are as +natural as any talus or heap of that kind, and the mud along the +edge of the water for miles is mixed with quap, and is +radio-active and lifeless and faintly phosphorescent at night. +But the reader will find the full particulars of my impression of +all this in the Geological Magazine for October, l905, and to +that I must refer him. There, too, he will find my unconfirmed +theories of its nature. If I am right it is something far more +significant from the scientific point of view than those +incidental constituents of various rare metals, pitchblende, +rutile, and the like, upon which the revolutionary discoveries of +the last decade are based. Those are just little molecular +centres of disintegration, of that mysterious decay and rotting +of those elements, elements once regarded as the most stable +things in nature. But there is something--the only word that +comes near it is CANCEROUS--and that is not very near, about +the whole of quap, something that creeps and lives as a disease +lives by destroying; an elemental stirring and disarrangement, +incalculably maleficent and strange. + +This is no imaginative comparison of mine. To my mind +radio-activity is a real disease of matter. Moreover, it is a +contagious disease. It spreads. You bring those debased and +crumbling atoms near others and those too presently catch the +trick of swinging themselves out of coherent existence. It is +in matter exactly what the decay of our old culture is in +society, a loss of traditions and distinctions and assured +reactions. When I think of these inexplicable dissolvent centres +that have come into being in our globe--these quap heaps are +surely by far the largest that have yet been found in the world; +the rest as yet mere specks in grains and crystals--I am haunted +by a grotesque fancy of the ultimate eating away and dry-rotting +and dispersal of all our world. So that while man still +struggles and dreams his very substance will change and crumble +from beneath him. I mention this here as a queer persistent +fancy. Suppose, indeed, that is to be the end of our planet; no +splendid climax and finale, no towering accumulation of +achievements, but just--atomic decay! I add that to the ideas of +the suffocating comet, the dark body out of space, the burning +out of the sun, the distorted orbit, as a new and far more +possible end--as Science can see ends--to this strange by-play +of matter that we call human life. I do not believe this can be +the end; no human soul can believe in such an end and go on +living, but to it science points as a possible thing, science and +reason alike. If single human beings--if one single ricketty +infant--can be born as it were by accident and die futile, why +not the whole race? These are questions I have never answered, +that now I never attempt to answer, but the thought of quap and +its mysteries brings them back to me. + +I can witness that the beach and mud for two miles or more either +way was a lifeless beach--lifeless as I could have imagined no +tropical mud could ever be, and all the dead branches and leaves +and rotting dead fish and so forth that drifted ashore became +presently shrivelled and white. Sometimes crocodiles would come +up out of the water and bask, and now and then water birds would +explore the mud and rocky ribs that rose out of it, in a mood of +transitory speculation. That was its utmost admiration. And +the air felt at once hot and austere, dry and blistering, and +altogether different the warm moist embrace that had met us at +our first African landfall and to which we had grown accustomed. + +I believe that the primary influence of the quap upon us was to +increase the conductivity of our nerves, but that is a mere +unjustifiable speculation on my part. At any rate it gave a sort +of east wind effect to life. We all became irritable, clumsy, +languid and disposed to be impatient with our languor. We moored +the brig to the rocks with difficulty, and got aground on mud and +decided to stick there and tow off when we had done--the bottom +was as greasy as butter. Our efforts to fix up planks and +sleepers in order to wheel the quap aboard were as ill-conceived +as that sort of work can be--and that sort of work can at times +be very ill-conceived. The captain had a superstitious fear of +his hold: he became wildly gesticulatory and expository and +incompetent at the bare thought of it. His shouts still echo in +my memory, becoming as each crisis approached less and less like +any known tongue. + +But I cannot now write the history of those days of blundering +and toil: of how Milton, one of the boys, fell from a plank to +the beach, thirty feet perhaps, with his barrow and broke his arm +and I believe a rib, of how I and Pollack set the limb and nursed +him through the fever that followed, of how one man after another +succumbed to a feverish malaria, and how I--by virtue of my +scientific reputation--was obliged to play the part of doctor and +dose them with quinine, and then finding that worse than nothing, +with rum and small doses of Easton's Syrup, of which there +chanced to be a case of bottles aboard--Heaven and +Gordon-Nasmyth know why. For three long days we lay in misery +and never shipped a barrow-load. Then, when they resumed, the +men's hands broke out into sores. There were no gloves +available; and I tried to get them, while they shovelled and +wheeled, to cover their hands with stockings or greased rags. +They would not do this on account of the heat and discomfort. +This attempt of mine did, however, direct their attention to the +quap as the source of their illness and precipitated what in the +end finished our lading, an informal strike. "We've had enough +of this," they said, and they meant it. They came aft to say as +much. They cowed the captain. + +Through all these days the weather was variously vile, first a +furnace heat under a sky of a scowling intensity of blue, then a +hot fog that stuck in one's throat like wool and turned the men +on the planks into colourless figures of giants, then a wild +burst of thunderstorms, mad elemental uproar and rain. Through +it all, against illness, heat, confusion of mind, one master +impetus prevailed with me, to keep the shipping going, to +maintain one motif at least, whatever else arose or ceased, the +chuff of the spades, the squeaking and shriek of the barrows, the +pluppa, pluppa, pluppa, as the men came trotting along the +swinging high planks, and then at last, the dollop, dollop, as +the stuff shot into the hold. "Another barrow-load, thank God! +Another fifteen hundred, or it may be two thousand pounds, for +the saving of Ponderevo!...!" + +I found out many things about myself and humanity in those weeks +of effort behind Mordet Island. I understand now the heart of +the sweater, of the harsh employer, of the nigger-driver. I had +brought these men into a danger they didn't understand, I was +fiercely resolved to overcome their opposition and bend and use +them for my purpose, and I hated the men. But I hated all +humanity during the time that the quap was near me. + +And my mind was pervaded, too, by a sense of urgency and by the +fear that we should be discovered and our proceedings stopped. I +wanted to get out to sea again--to be beating up northward with +our plunder. I was afraid our masts showed to seaward and might +betray us to some curious passer on the high sea. And one +evening near the end I saw a canoe with three natives far off +down the lake; I got field-glasses from the captain and +scrutinised them, and I could see them staring at us. One man +might have been a half-breed and was dressed in white. They +watched us for some time very quietly and then paddled off into +some channel in the forest shadows. + +And for three nights running, so that it took a painful grip +upon my inflamed imagination, I dreamt of my uncle's face, only +that it was ghastly white like a clown's, and the throat was cut +from ear to ear--a long ochreous cut. "Too late," he said; "Too +late!..." + +VI + +A day or so after we had got to work upon the quap I found myself +so sleepless and miserable that the ship became unendurable. +Just before the rush of sunrise I borrowed Pollack's gun, walked +down the planks, clambered over the quap heaps and prowled along +the beach. I went perhaps a mile and a half that day and some +distance beyond the ruins of the old station. I became +interested in the desolation about me, and found when I returned +that I was able to sleep for nearly an hour. It was delightful +to have been alone for so long,--no captain, no Pollack, no one. +Accordingly I repeated this expedition the next morning and the +next until it became a custom with me. There was little for me +to do once the digging and wheeling was organised, and so these +prowlings of mine grew longer and longer, and presently I began +to take food with me. + +I pushed these walks far beyond the area desolated by the quap. +On the edges of that was first a zone of stunted vegetation, then +a sort of swampy jungle that was difficult to penetrate, and then +the beginnings of the forest, a scene of huge tree stems and +tangled creeper ropes and roots mingled with oozy mud. Here I +used to loaf in a state between botanising and reverie--always +very anxious to know what was up above in the sunlight--and here +it was I murdered a man. + +It was the most unmeaning and purposeless murder imaginable. +Even as I write down its well-remembered particulars there comes +again the sense of its strangeness, its pointlessness, its +incompatibility with any of the neat and definite theories people +hold about life and the meaning of the world. I did this thing +and I want to tell of my doing it, but why I did it and +particularly why I should be held responsible for it I cannot +explain. + +That morning I had come upon a track in the forest, and it had +occurred to me as a disagreeable idea that this was a human +pathway. I didn't want to come upon any human beings. The less +our expedition saw of the African population the better for its +prospects. Thus far we had been singularly free from native +pestering. So I turned back and was making my way over mud and +roots and dead fronds and petals scattered from the green world +above when abruptly I saw my victim. + +I became aware of him perhaps forty feet off standing quite +still and regarding me. + +He wasn't by any means a pretty figure. He was very black and +naked except for a dirty loin-cloth, his legs were ill-shaped +and his toes spread wide and the upper edge of his cloth and a +girdle of string cut his clumsy abdomen into folds. His forehead +was low, his nose very flat and his lower lip swollen and +purplish-red. His hair was short and fuzzy, and about his neck +was a string and a little purse of skin. He carried a musket, +and a powder-flask was stuck in his girdle. It was a curious +confrontation. There opposed to him stood I, a little soiled, +perhaps, but still a rather elaborately civilised human being, +born, bred and trained in a vague tradition. In my hand was an +unaccustomed gun. And each of us was essentially a teeming, +vivid brain, tensely excited by the encounter, quite unaware of +the other's mental content or what to do with him. + +He stepped back a pace or so, stumbled and turned to run. + +"Stop," I cried; "stop, you fool!" and started to run after him, +shouting such things in English. But I was no match for him over +the roots and mud. + +I had a preposterous idea. "He mustn't get away and tell them!" + +And with that instantly I brought both feet together, raised my +gun, aimed quite coolly, drew the trigger carefully and shot him +neatly in the back. + +I saw, and saw with a leap of pure exaltation, the smash of my +bullet between his shoulder blades. "Got him," said I, dropping +my gun and down he flopped and died without a groan. "By Jove!" +I cried with note of surprise, "I've killed him!" I looked about +me and then went forward cautiously, in a mood between curiosity +and astonishment, to look at this man whose soul I had flung so +unceremoniously out of our common world. I went to him, not as +one goes to something one has made or done, but as one approaches +something found. + +He was frightfully smashed out in front; he must have died in the +instant. I stooped and raised him by his shoulder and realised +that. I dropped him, and stood about and peered about me through +the trees. "My word!" I said. He was the second dead human +being--apart, I mean, from surgical properties and mummies and +common shows of that sort--that I have ever seen. I stood over +him wondering, wondering beyond measure. + +A practical idea came into that confusion. Had any one heard the +gun? + +I reloaded. + +After a time I felt securer, and gave my mind again to the dead I +had killed. What must I do? + +It occurred to me that perhaps I ought to bury him. At any rate, +I ought to hide him. I reflected coolly, and then put my gun +within easy reach and dragged him by the arm towards a place +where the mud seemed soft, and thrust him in. His powder-flask +slipped from his loin-cloth, and I went back to get it. Then I +pressed him down with the butt of my rifle. + +Afterwards this all seemed to me most horrible, but at the time +it was entirely a matter-of-fact transaction. I looked round +for any other visible evidence of his fate, looked round as one +does when one packs one's portmanteau in an hotel bedroom. + +When I got my bearings, and carefully returned towards the ship. +I had the mood of grave concentration of a boy who has lapsed +into poaching. And the business only began to assume proper +proportions for me as I got near the ship, to seem any other kind +of thing than the killing of a bird or rabbit. + +In the night, however, it took on enormous and portentous +forms. "By God!" I cried suddenly, starting wide awake; "but it +was murder!" + +I lay after that wide awake, staring at my memories. In some odd +way these visions mixed up with my dream of in my uncle in his +despair. The black body which saw now damaged and partly buried, +but which, nevertheless, I no longer felt was dead but acutely +alive and perceiving, I mixed up with the ochreous slash under my +uncle's face. I tried to dismiss this horrible obsession from my +mind, but it prevailed over all my efforts. + +The next day was utterly black with my sense of that ugly +creature's body. I am the least superstitious of men, but it +drew me. It drew me back into those thickets to the very place +where I had hidden him. + +Some evil and detestable beast had been at him, and he lay +disinterred. + +Methodically I buried his swollen and mangled carcass again, and +returned to the ship for another night of dreams. Next day for +all the morning I resisted the impulse to go to him, and played +nap with Pollack with my secret gnawing at me, and in the evening +started to go and was near benighted. I never told a soul of +them of this thing I had done. + +Next day I went early, and he had gone, and there were human +footmarks and ugly stains round the muddy hole from which he had +been dragged. + +I returned to the ship, disconcerted and perplexed. That day it +was the men came aft, with blistered hands and faces, and sullen +eyes. When they proclaimed, through Edwards, their spokesman, +"We've had enough of this, and we mean it," I answered very +readily, "So have I. Let's go." + +VII + +We were none too soon. People had been reconnoitring us, the +telegraph had been at work, and we were not four hours at sea +before we ran against the gunboat that had been sent down the +coast to look for us and that would have caught us behind the +island like a beast in a trap. It was a night of driving cloud +that gave intermittent gleams of moonlight; the wind and sea were +strong and we were rolling along through a drift of rails and +mist. Suddenly the world was white with moonshine. The gunboat +came out as a long dark shape wallowing on the water to the east. + +She sighted the Maud Mary at once, and fired some sort of popgun +to arrest us. + +The mate turned to me. + +"Shall I tell the captain?" + +"The captain be damned" said I, and we let him sleep through two +hours of chase till a rainstorm swallowed us up. Then we +changed our course and sailed right across them, and by morning +only her smoke was showing. + +We were clear of Africa--and with the booty aboard I did not see +what stood between us and home. + +For the first time since I had fallen sick in the Thames my +spirits rose. I was sea-sick and physically disgusted, of +course, but I felt kindly in spite of my qualms. So far as I +could calculate then the situation was saved. I saw myself +returning triumphantly into the Thames, and nothing on earth to +prevent old Capern's Perfect Filament going on the market in +fortnight. I had the monopoly of electric lamps beneath my +feet. + +I was released from the spell of that bloodstained black body all +mixed up with grey-black mud. I was going back to baths and +decent food and aeronautics and Beatrice. I was going back to +Beatrice and my real life again--out of this well into which I +had fallen. It would have needed something more than +sea-sickness and quap fever to prevent my spirits rising. + +I told the captain that I agreed with him that the British were +the scum of Europe, the westward drift of all the people, a +disgusting rabble, and I lost three pounds by attenuated retail +to Pollack at ha'penny nap and euchre. + +And then you know, as we got out into the Atlantic this side of +Cape Verde, the ship began to go to pieces. I don't pretend for +one moment to understand what happened. But I think +Greiffenhagen's recent work on the effects of radium upon +ligneous tissue does rather carry out my idea that emanations +from quap have rapid rotting effect upon woody fibre. + +From the first there had been a different feel about the ship, +and as the big winds and waves began to strain her she commenced +leaking. Soon she was leaking--not at any particular point, but +everywhere. She did not spring a leak, I mean, but water came in +first of all near the decaying edges of her planks, and then +through them. + +I firmly believe the water came through the wood. First it began +to ooze, then to trickle. It was like trying to carry moist +sugar in a thin paper bag. Soon we were taking in water as +though we had opened a door in her bottom. + +Once it began, the thing went ahead beyond all fighting. For a +day or so we did our best, and I can still remember in my +limbs and back the pumping--the fatigue in my arms and the +memory of a clear little dribble of water that jerked as one +pumped, and of knocking off and the being awakened to go on +again, and of fatigue piling up upon fatigue. At last we ceased +to think of anything but pumping; one became a thing of torment +enchanted, doomed to pump for ever. I still remember it as pure +relief when at last Pollack came to me pipe in mouth. + +"The captain says the damned thing's going down right now;' he +remarked, chewing his mouthpiece. "Eh?" + +"Good idea!" I said. "One can't go on pumping for ever." + +And without hurry or alacrity, sullenly and wearily we got into +the boats and pulled away from the Maud Mary until we were +clear of her, and then we stayed resting on our oars, motionless +upon a glassy sea, waiting for her to sink. We were all silent, +even the captain was silent until she went down. And then he +spoke quite mildly in an undertone. + +"Dat is the first ship I haf ever lost.... And it was not a fair +game! It wass not a cargo any man should take. No!" + +I stared at the slow eddies that circled above the departed +Maud Mary, and the last chance of Business Organisations. I +felt weary beyond emotion. I thought of my heroics to Beatrice +and my uncle, of my prompt "I'LL go," and of all the ineffectual +months I had spent after this headlong decision. I was moved to +laughter at myself and fate. + +But the captain and the men did not laugh. The men scowled at me +and rubbed their sore and blistered hands, and set themselves to +row.... + +As all the world knows we were picked up by the Union Castle +liner, Portland Castle. + +The hairdresser aboard was a wonderful man, and he even +improvised me a dress suit, and produced a clean shirt and warm +underclothing. I had a hot bath, and dressed and dined and drank +a bottle of Burgundy. + +"Now," I said, "are there any newspapers? I want to know what's +been happening in the world." + +My steward gave me what he had, but I landed at Plymouth still +largely ignorant of the course of events. I shook off Pollack, +and left the captain and mate in an hotel, and the men in a +Sailor's Home until I could send to pay them off, and I made my +way to the station. + +The newspapers I bought, the placards I saw, all England indeed +resounded to my uncle's bankruptcy. + + +BOOK THE FOURTH + +THE AFTERMATH OF TONO-BUNGAY + +CHAPTER THE FIRST + +THE STICK OF THE ROCKET + +I + +That evening I talked with my uncle in the Hardingham for the +last time. The atmosphere of the place had altered quite +shockingly. Instead of the crowd of importunate courtiers there +were just half a dozen uninviting men, journalists waiting for +an interview. Ropper the big commissionaire was still there, but +now indeed he was defending my uncle from something more than +time-wasting intrusions. I found the little man alone in the +inner office pretending to work, but really brooding. He was +looking yellow and deflated. + +"Lord!" he said at the sight of me. "You're lean, George. It +makes that scar of yours show up." + +We regarded each other gravely for a time. + +"Quap," I said, "is at the bottom of the Atlantic. There's some +bills--We've got to pay the men." + +"Seen the papers?" + +"Read 'em all in the train." + +"At bay," he said. "I been at bay for a week.... Yelping round +me.... And me facing the music. I'm feelin' a bit tired." + +He blew and wiped his glasses. + +"My stomack isn't what it was," he explained. "One finds +it--these times. How did it all happen, George? Your +Marconigram--it took me in the wind a bit." + +I told him concisely. He nodded to the paragraphs of my +narrative and at the end he poured something from a medicine +bottle into a sticky little wineglass and drank it. I became +aware of the presence of drugs, of three or four small bottles +before him among his disorder of papers, of a faint elusively +familiar odour in the room. + +"Yes," he said, wiping his lips and recorking the bottle. +"You've done your best, George. The luck's been against us." + +He reflected, bottle in hand. "Sometimes the luck goes with you +and sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes it doesn't. And then where +are you? Grass in the oven! Fight or no fight." + +He asked a few questions and then his thoughts came back to his +own urgent affairs. I tried to get some comprehensive account of +the situation from him, but he would not give it. + +"Oh, I wish I'd had you. I wish I'd had you, George. I've had a +lot on my hands. You're clear headed at times." + +"What has happened?" + +"Oh! Boom!--infernal things." + +"Yes, but--how? I'm just off the sea, remember." + +"It'd worry me too much to tell you now. It's tied up in a +skein." + +He muttered something to himself and mused darkly, and roused +himself to say-- + +"Besides--you'd better keep out of it. It's getting tight. Get +'em talking. Go down to Crest Hill and fly. That's YOUR +affair." + +For a time his manner set free queer anxieties in my brain again. + +I will confess that that Mordet Island nightmare of mine +returned, and as I looked at him his hand went out for the drug +again. "Stomach, George," he said. + +"I been fightin' on that. Every man fights on some thing--gives +way somewheres--head, heart, liver--something. Zzzz. Gives way +somewhere. Napoleon did at last. All through the Waterloo +campaign, his stomach--it wasn't a stomach! Worse than mine, no +end." + +The mood of depression passed as the drug worked within him. His +eyes brightened. He began to talk big. He began to dress up the +situation for my eyes, to recover what he had admitted to me. +He put it as a retreat from Russia. There were still the chances +of Leipzig. + +"It's a battle, George--a big fight. We're fighting for +millions. I've still chances. There's still a card or so. I +can't tell all my plans--like speaking on the stroke." + +"You might," I began. + +"I can't, George. It's like asking to look at some embryo. You +got to wait. I know. In a sort of way, I know. But to tell +it-- No! You been away so long. And everything's got +complicated." + +My perception of disastrous entanglements deepened with the rise +of his spirits. It was evident that I could only help to tie him +up in whatever net was weaving round his mind by forcing +questions and explanations upon him. My thoughts flew off at +another angle. "How's Aunt Susan?" said I. + +I had to repeat the question. His busy whispering lips stopped +for a moment, and he answered in the note of one who repeats a +formula. + +"She'd like to be in the battle with me. She'd like to be here +in London. But there's corners I got to turn alone." His eye +rested for a moment on the little bottle beside him. "And things +have happened. + +"You might go down now and talk to her," he said, in a directer +voice. "I shall be down to-morrow night, I think." + +He looked up as though he hoped that would end our talk. + +"For the week-end?" I asked. + +"For the week-end. Thank God for week-ends, George!" + +II + +My return home to Lady Grove was a very different thing from what +I had anticipated when I had got out to sea with my load of quap +and fancied the Perfect-Filament was safe within my grasp. As I +walked through the evening light along the downs, the summer +stillness seemed like the stillness of something newly dead. +There were no lurking workmen any more, no cyclists on the high +road. + +Cessation was manifest everywhere. There had been, I learnt from +my aunt, a touching and quite voluntary demonstration when the +Crest Hill work had come to an end and the men had drawn their +last pay; they had cheered my uncle and hooted the contractors +and Lord Boom. + +I cannot now recall the manner in which my aunt and I greeted one +another. I must have been very tired there, but whatever +impression was made has gone out of my memory. But I recall very +clearly how we sat at the little round table near the big window +that gave on the terrace, and dined and talked. I remember her +talking of my uncle. + +She asked after him, and whether he seemed well. "I wish I could +help," she said. "But I've never helped him much, never. His +way of doing things was never mine. And since--since--. Since +he began to get so rich, he's kept things from me. In the old +days--it was different.... + +"There he is--I don't know what he's doing. He won't have me +near him.... + +"More's kept from me than anyone. The very servants won't let +me know. They try and stop the worst of the papers--Boom's +things--from coming upstairs.... I suppose they've got him in a +corner, George. Poor old Teddy! Poor old Adam and Eve we are! +Ficial Receivers with flaming swords to drive us out of our +garden! I'd hoped we'd never have another Trek. Well--anyway, +it won't be Crest Hill.... But it's hard on Teddy. He must be in +such a mess up there. Poor old chap. I suppose we can't help +him. I suppose we'd only worry him. Have some more soup +George--while there is some?..." + +The next day was one of those days of strong perception that +stand out clear in one's memory when the common course of days is +blurred. I can recall now the awakening in the large familiar +room that was always kept for me, and how I lay staring at its +chintz-covered chairs, its spaced fine furniture, its glimpse +of the cedars without, and thought that all this had to end. + +I have never been greedy for money, I have never wanted to be +rich, but I felt now an immense sense of impending deprivation. +I read the newspapers after breakfast--I and my aunt +together--and then I walked up to see what Cothope had done in +the matter of Lord Roberts B. Never before had I appreciated so +acutely the ample brightness of the Lady Grove gardens, the +dignity and wide peace of all about me. It was one of those warm +mornings in late May that have won all the glory of summer +without losing the gay delicacy of spring. The shrubbery was +bright with laburnum and lilac, the beds swarmed with daffodils +and narcissi and with lilies of the valley in the shade. + +I went along the well-kept paths among the rhododendra and +through the private gate into the woods where the bluebells and +common orchid were in profusion. Never before had I tasted so +completely the fine sense of privilege and ownership. And all +this has to end, I told myself, all this has to end. + +Neither my uncle nor I had made any provision for disaster; all +we had was in the game, and I had little doubt now of the +completeness of our ruin. For the first time in my life since he +had sent me that wonderful telegram of his I had to consider that +common anxiety of mankind,--Employment. I had to come off my +magic carpet and walk once more in the world. + +And suddenly I found myself at the cross drives where I had seen +Beatrice for the first time after so many years. It is strange, +but so far as I can recollect I had not thought of her once since +I had landed at Plymouth. No doubt she had filled the background +of my mind, but I do not remember one definite, clear thought. I +had been intent on my uncle and the financial collapse. + +It came like a blow in the face now; all that, too, had to end! + +Suddenly I was filled with the thought of her and a great longing +for her. What would she do when she realised our immense +disaster? What would she do? How would she take it? It filled +me with astonishment to realise how little I could tell.... + +Should I perhaps presently happen upon her? + +I went on through the plantations and out upon the downs, and +thence I saw Cothope with a new glider of his own design soaring +down wind to my old familiar "grounding" place. To judge by its +long rhythm it was a very good glider. "Like Cothope's cheek," +thought I, "to go on with the research. I wonder if he's keeping +notes.... But all this will have to stop." + +He was sincerely glad to see me. "It's been a rum go," he said. + +He had been there without wages for a month, a man forgotten in +the rush of events. + +"I just stuck on and did what I could with the stuff. I got a bit +of money of my own--and I said to myself, 'Well, here you are +with the gear and no one to look after you. You won't get such a +chance again, my boy, not in all your born days. Why not make +what you can with it? '" + +"How's Lord Roberts B?" + +Cothope lifted his eyebrows. "I've had to refrain," he said. +"But he's looking very handsome." + +"Gods!" I said, "I'd like to get him up just once before we +smash. You read the papers? You know we're going to smash?" + +"Oh! I read the papers. It's scandalous, sir, such work as ours +should depend on things like that. You and I ought to be under +the State, sir, if you'll excuse me" + +"Nothing to excuse," I said. "I've always been a Socialist--of a +sort--in theory. Let's go and have a look at him. How is he? +Deflated?" + +"Just about quarter full. That last oil glaze of yours holds the +gas something beautiful. He's not lost a cubic metre a week."... + +Cothope returned to Socialism as we went toward the sheds. + +"Glad to think you're a Socialist, sir," he said, "it's the only +civilised state. I been a Socialist some years--off the +Clarion. It's a rotten scramble, this world. It takes the +things we make and invent and it plays the silly fool with 'em. +We scientific people, we'll have to take things over and stop all +this financing and advertisement and that. It's too silly. +It's a noosance. Look at us!" + +Lord Roberts B, even in his partially deflated condition in his +shed, was a fine thing to stare up at. I stood side by side with +Cothope regarding him, and it was borne in upon me more acutely +than ever that all this had to end. I had a feeling just like +the feeling of a boy who wants to do wrong, that I would use up +the stuff while I had it before the creditors descended. I had a +queer fancy, too, I remember, that if I could get into the air it +would advertise my return to Beatrice. + +"We'll fill her," I said concisely. + +"It's all ready," said Cothope, and added as an afterthought, +"unless they cut off the gas."... + +I worked and interested myself with Cothope all the morning and +for a time forgot my other troubles. But the thought of Beatrice +flooded me slowly and steadily. It became an unintelligent sick +longing to see her. I felt that I could not wait for the filling +of Lord Roberts B, that I must hunt her up and see her soon. I +got everything forward and lunched with Cothope, and then with +the feeblest excuses left him in order to prowl down through the +woods towards Bedley Corner. I became a prey to wretched +hesitations and diffidence. Ought I to go near her now? I asked +myself, reviewing all the social abasements of my early years. +At last, about five, I called at the Dower House. I was greeted +by their Charlotte--with a forbidding eye and a cold +astonishment. + +Both Beatrice and Lady Osprey were out. + +There came into my head some prowling dream of meeting her. I +went along the lane towards Woking, the lane down which we had +walked five months ago in the wind and rain. + +I mooned for a time in our former footsteps, then swore and +turned back across the fields, and then conceived a distaste for +Cothope and went Downward. At last I found myself looking down on +the huge abandoned masses of the Crest Hill house. + +That gave my mind a twist into a new channel. My uncle came +uppermost again. What a strange, melancholy emptiness of +intention that stricken enterprise seemed in the even evening +sunlight, what vulgar magnificence and crudity and utter +absurdity! It was as idiotic as the pyramids. I sat down on the +stile, staring at it as though I had never seen that forest of +scaffold poles, that waste of walls and bricks and plaster and +shaped stones, that wilderness of broken soil and wheeling +tracks and dumps before. It struck me suddenly as the compactest +image and sample of all that passes for Progress, of all the +advertisement-inflated spending, the aimless building up and +pulling down, the enterprise and promise of my age. This was +our fruit, this was what he had done, I and my uncle, in the +fashion of our time. We were its leaders and exponents, we were +the thing it most flourishingly produced. For this futility in +its end, for an epoch of such futility, the solemn scroll of +history had unfolded.... + +"Great God!" I cried, "but is this Life?" + +For this the armies drilled, for this the Law was administered +and the prisons did their duty, for this the millions toiled and +perished in suffering, in order that a few of us should build +palaces we never finished, make billiard-rooms under ponds, run +imbecile walls round irrational estates, scorch about the world +in motor-cars, devise flying-machines, play golf and a dozen +such foolish games of ball, crowd into chattering dinner parties, +gamble and make our lives one vast, dismal spectacle of witless +waste! So it struck me then, and for a time I could think of no +other interpretation. This was Life! It came to me like a +revelation, a revelation at once incredible and indisputable of +the abysmal folly of our being. + +III + +I was roused from such thoughts by the sound of footsteps behind +me. + +I turned half hopeful--so foolish is a lover's imagination, and +stopped amazed. It was my uncle. His face was white--white as I +had seen it in my dream. + +"Hullo!" I said, and stared. "Why aren't you in London?" + +"It's all up," he said.... + +"Adjudicated?" + +"No!" + +I stared at him for a moment, and then got off the stile. + +We stood swaying and then came forward with a weak motion of his +arms like a man who cannot see distinctly, and caught at and +leant upon the stile. For a moment we were absolutely still. He +made a clumsy gesture towards the great futility below and +choked. I discovered that his face was wet with tears, that his +wet glasses blinded him. He put up his little fat hand and +clawed them off clumsily, felt inefficiently for his +pocket-handkerchief, and then, to my horror, as he clung to me, +he began to weep aloud, this little, old worldworn swindler. It +wasn't just sobbing or shedding tears, it was crying as a child +cries. It was oh! terrible! + +"It's cruel," he blubbered at last. "They asked me questions. +They KEP' asking me questions, George." + +He sought for utterance, and spluttered. + +"The Bloody bullies!" he shouted. "The Bloody Bullies." + +He ceased to weep. He became suddenly rapid and explanatory. + +"It's not a fair game, George. They tire you out. And I'm not +well. My stomach's all wrong. And I been and got a cold. I +always been li'ble to cold, and this one's on my chest. And then +they tell you to speak up. They bait you--and bait you, and bait +you. It's torture. The strain of it. You can't remember what +you said. You're bound to contradict yourself. It's like +Russia, George.... It isn't fair play.... Prominent man. I've +been next at dinners with that chap, Neal; I've told him +stories--and he's bitter! Sets out to ruin me. Don't ask a +civil question--bellows." He broke down again. "I've been +bellowed at, I been bullied, I been treated like a dog. Dirty +cads they are! Dirty cads! I'd rather be a Three-Card Sharper +than a barrister; I'd rather sell cat's-meat in the streets. + +"They sprung things on me this morning, things I didn't expect. +They rushed me! I'd got it all in my hands and then I was +jumped. By Neal! Neal I've given city tips to! Neal! I've helped +Neal.... + +"I couldn't swallow a mouthful--not in the lunch hour. I +couldn't face it. It's true, George--I couldn't face it. I said +I'd get a bit of air and slipped out and down to the Embankment, +and there I took a boat to Richmond. Some idee. I took a rowing +boat when I got there and I rowed about on the river for a bit. +A lot of chaps and girls there was on the bank laughed at my +shirt-sleeves and top hat. Dessay they thought it was a +pleasure trip. Fat lot of pleasure! I rowed round for a bit and +came in. Then I came on here. Windsor way. And there they are +in London doing what they like with me.... I don't care!" + +"But" I said, looking down at him, perplexed. + +"It's abscondin'. They'll have a warrant." + +"I don't understand," I said. + +"It's all up, George--all up and over. + +"And I thought I'd live in that place, George and die a lord! +It's a great place, reely, an imperial--if anyone has the sense +to buy it and finish it. That terrace--" + +I stood thinking him over. + +"Look here!" I said. "What's that about--a warrant? Are you +sure they'll get a warrant? I'm sorry uncle; but what have you +done?" + +"Haven't I told you?" + +"Yes, but they won't do very much to you for that. They'll only +bring you up for the rest of your examination." + +He remained silent for a time. At last he spoke--speaking with +difficulty. + +"It's worse than that. I've done something. They're bound to +get it out. Practically they HAVE got it out." + +"What?" + +"Writin' things down--I done something." + +For the first time in his life, I believe, he felt and looked +ashamed. It filled me with remorse to see him suffer so. + +"We've all done things," I said. "It's part of the game the +world makes us play. If they want to arrest you--and you've got +no cards in your hand--! They mustn't arrest you." + +"No. That's partly why I went to Richmond. But I never +thought--" + +His little bloodshot eyes stared at Crest Hill. + +"That chap Wittaker Wright," he said, "he had his stuff ready. I +haven't. Now you got it, George. That's the sort of hole I'm +in." + +IV + +That memory of my uncle at the gate is very clear and full. I am +able to recall even the undertow of my thoughts while he was +speaking. I remember my pity and affection for him in his misery +growing and stirring within me, my realisation that at any risk I +must help him. But then comes indistinctness again. I was +beginning to act. I know I persuaded him to put himself in my +hands, and began at once to plan and do. I think that when we +act most we remember least, that just in the measure that the +impulse of our impressions translates itself into schemes and +movements, it ceases to record itself in memories. I know I +resolved to get him away at once, and to use the Lord Roberts B +in effecting that. It was clear he was soon to be a hunted man, +and it seemed to me already unsafe for him to try the ordinary +Continental routes in his flight. I had to evolve some scheme, +and evolve it rapidly, how we might drop most inconspicuously +into the world across the water. My resolve to have one flight +at least in my airship fitted with this like hand to glove. It +seemed to me we might be able to cross over the water in the +night, set our airship adrift, and turn up as pedestrian tourists +in Normandy or Brittany, and so get away. That, at any rate, was +my ruling idea. + +I sent off Cothope with a dummy note to Woking, because I did +not want to implicate him, and took my uncle to the pavilion. I +went down to my aunt, and made a clean breast of the situation. +She became admirably competent. We went into his dressing-room +and ruthlessly broke his locks. I got a pair of brown boots, a +tweed suit and a cap of his, and indeed a plausible walking +outfit, and a little game bag for his pedestrian gear; and, in +addition, a big motoring overcoat and a supply of rugs to add to +those I had at the pavilion. I also got a flask of brandy, and +she made sandwiches. I don't remember any servants appearing, +and I forget where she got those sandwiches. Meanwhile we +talked. Afterwards I thought with what a sure confidence we +talked to each other + +"What's he done?" she said. + +"D'you mind knowing?" + +"No conscience left, thank God!" + +"I think--forgery!" + +There was just a little pause. "Can you carry this bundle?" she +asked. + +I lifted it. + +"No woman ever has respected the law--ever," she said. "It's too +silly.... The things it lets you do! And then pulls you up--like +a mad nurse minding a child." + +She carried some rugs for me through the shrubbery in the +darkling. + +"They'll think we're going mooning," she said, jerking her head +at the household. "I wonder what they make of us--criminals." +... An immense droning note came as if in answer to that. It +startled us both for a moment. "The dears!" she said. "It's the +gong for dinner!... But I wish I could help little Teddy, +George. It's awful to think of him there with hot eyes, red and +dry. And I know--the sight of me makes him feel sore. Things I +said, George. If I could have seen, I'd have let him have an +omnibusful of Scrymgeours. I cut him up. He'd never thought I +meant it before.... I'll help all I can, anyhow." + +I turned at something in her voice, and got a moon light gleam of +tears upon her face. + +"Could SHE have helped?" she asked abruptly. + +"SHE?" + +"That woman." + +"My God!" I cried, "HELPED! Those--things don't help!" + +"Tell me again what I ought to do," she said after a silence. + +I went over the plans I had made for communicating, and the +things I thought she might do. I had given her the address of a +solicitor she might put some trust in. + +"But you must act for yourself," I insisted. + +"Roughly," I said, "it's a scramble. You must get what you can +for us, and follow as you can." + +She nodded. + +She came right up to the pavilion and hovered for a time shyly, +and then went away. + +I found my uncle in my sitting-room in an arm-chair, with his +feet upon the fender of the gas stove, which he had lit, and now +he was feebly drunken with my whisky, and very weary in body and +spirit, and inclined to be cowardly. + +"I lef' my drops," he said. + +He changed his clothes slowly and unwillingly. I had to bully +him, I had almost to shove him to the airship and tuck him up +upon its wicker flat. Single-handed I made but a clumsy start; +we scraped along the roof of the shed and bent a van of the +propeller, and for a time I hung underneath without his offering +a hand to help me to clamber up. If it hadn't been for a sort of +anchoring trolley device of Cothope's, a sort of slip anchor +running on a rail, we should never have got clear at all. + +V + +The incidents of our flight in Lord Roberts B do not arrange +themselves in any consecutive order. To think of that adventure +is like dipping haphazard into an album of views. One is +reminded first of this and then of that. We were both lying down +on a horizontal plate of basketwork; for Lord Roberts B had none +of the elegant accommodation of a balloon. I lay forward, and my +uncle behind me in such a position that he could see hardly +anything of our flight. We were protected from rolling over +simply by netting between the steel stays. It was impossible for +us to stand up at all; we had either to lie or crawl on all fours +over the basket work. Amidships were lockers made of Watson's +Aulite material,--and between these it was that I had put my +uncle, wrapped in rugs. I wore sealskin motoring boots and +gloves, and a motoring fur coat over my tweeds, and I controlled +the engine by Bowden wires and levers forward. + +The early part of that night's experience was made up of warmth, +of moonlit Surrey and Sussex landscape, and of a rapid and +successful flight, ascending and swooping, and then ascending +again southward. I could not watch the clouds because the +airship overhung me; I could not see the stars nor gauge the +meteorological happening, but it was fairly clear to me that a +wind shifting between north and northeast was gathering strength, +and after I had satisfied myself by a series of entirely +successful expansions and contractions of the real air-worthiness +of Lord Roberts B, I stopped the engine to save my petrol, and +let the monster drift, checking its progress by the dim landscape +below. My uncle lay quite still behind me, saying little and +staring in front of him, and I was left to my own thoughts and +sensations. + +My thoughts, whatever they were, have long since faded out of +memory, and my sensations have merged into one continuous memory +of an countryside lying, as it seemed, under snow, with square +patches of dimness, white phantoms of roads, rents and pools of +velvety blackness, and lamp-jewelled houses. I remember a train +boring its way like a hastening caterpillar of fire across the +landscape, and how distinctly I heard its clatter. Every town +and street was buttoned with street lamps. I came quite close to +the South Downs near Lewes, and all the lights were out in the +houses, and the people gone to bed. We left the land a little to +the east of Brighton, and by that time Brighton was well abed. +and the brightly lit sea-front deserted. Then I let out the gas +chamber to its fullest extent and rose. I like to be high above +water. + +I do not clearly know what happened in the night. I think I must +have dozed, and probably my uncle slept. I remember that once or +twice I heard him talking in an eager, muffled voice to himself, +or to an imaginary court. But there can be no doubt the wind +changed right round into the east, and that we were carried far +down the Channel without any suspicion of the immense leeway we +were making. I remember the kind of stupid perplexity with which +I saw the dawn breaking over a grey waste of water, below, and +realised that something was wrong. I was so stupid that it was +only after the sunrise I really noticed the trend of the foam +caps below, and perceived we were in a severe easterly gale. Even +then, instead of heading southeasterly, I set the engine going, +headed south, and so continued a course that must needs have +either just hit Ushant, or carry us over the Bay of Biscay. I +thought I was east of Cherbourg, when I was far to the west and +stopped my engine in that belief, and then set it going again. I +did actually sight the coast of Brittany to the southeast in the +late afternoon, and that it was woke me up to the gravity of our +position. I discovered it by accident in the southeast, when I +was looking for it in the southwest. I turned about east and +faced the wind for some time, and finding I had no chance in its +teeth, went high, where it seemed less violent, and tried to make +a course southeast. It was only then that I realised what a gale +I was in. I had been going westward, and perhaps even in gusts +north of west, at a pace of fifty or sixty miles an hour. + +Then I began what I suppose would be called a Fight against the +east wind. One calls it a Fight, but it was really almost as +unlike a fight as plain sewing. The wind tried to drive me +westwardly, and I tried to get as much as I could eastwardly, +with the wind beating and rocking us irregularly, but by no +means unbearably, for about twelve hours. My hope lay in the +wind abating, and our keeping in the air and eastward of +Finisterre until it did, and the chief danger was the exhaustion +of our petrol. It was a long and anxious and almost meditative +time; we were fairly warm, and only slowly getting hungry, and +except that my uncle grumbled a little and produced some +philosophical reflections, and began to fuss about having a +temperature, we talked very little. I was tired and sulky, and +chiefly worried about the engine. I had to resist a tendency to +crawl back and look at it. I did not care to risk contracting +our gas chamber for fear of losing gas. Nothing was less like a +fight. I know that in popular magazines, and so forth, all such +occasions as this are depicted in terms of hysteria. Captains +save their ships engineers complete their bridges, generals +conduct their battles, in a state of dancing excitement, foaming +recondite technicalities at the lips. I suppose that sort of +thing works up the reader, but so far as it professes to +represent reality, I am convinced it is all childish nonsense. +schoolboys of fifteen, girls of eighteen, and literary men all +their lives, may have these squealing fits, but my own experience +is that most exciting scenes are not exciting, and most of the +urgent moments in life are met by steady-headed men. + +Neither I nor my uncle spent the night in ejaculations, nor in +humorous allusions, nor any of these things. We remained lumpish. + +My uncle stuck in his place and grumbled about his stomach, and +occasionally rambled off into expositions of his financial +position and denunciations of Neal--he certainly struck out one +or two good phrases for Neal--and I crawled about at rare +intervals in a vague sort of way and grunted, and our basketwork +creaked continually, and the wind on our quarter made a sort of +ruffled flapping in the wall of the gas chamber. For all our +wraps we got frightfully cold as the night wore on. + +I must have dozed, and it was still dark when I realised with a +start that we were nearly due south of, and a long way from, a +regularly-flashing lighthouse, standing out before the glow of +some great town, and then that the thing that had awakened me was +the cessation of our engine, and that we were driving back to the +west. + +Then, indeed, for a time I felt the grim thrill of life. I +crawled forward to the cords of the release valves, made my uncle +crawl forward too, and let out the gas until we were falling down +through the air like a clumsy glider towards the vague greyness +that was land. + +Something must have intervened here that I have forgotten. + +I saw the lights of Bordeaux when it was quite dark, a nebulous +haze against black; of that I am reasonably sure. But certainly +our fall took place in the cold, uncertain light of early dawn. +I am, at least, equally sure of that. And Mimizan, near where we +dropped, is fifty miles from Bordeaux, whose harbour lights I +must have seen. + +I remember coming down at last with a curious indifference, and +actually rousing myself to steer. But the actual coming to earth +was exciting enough. I remember our prolonged dragging landfall, +and the difficulty I had to get clear, and how a gust of wind +caught Lord Roberts B as my uncle stumbled away from the ropes +and litter, and dropped me heavily, and threw me on to my knees. +Then came the realisation that the monster was almost consciously +disentangling itself for escape, and then the light leap of its +rebound. The rope slipped out of reach of my hand. I remember +running knee-deep in a salt pool in hopeless pursuit of the +airship. + +As it dragged and rose seaward, and how only after it had escaped +my uttermost effort to recapture it, did I realise that this was +quite the best thing that could have happened. It drove swiftly +over the sandy dunes, lifting and falling, and was hidden by a +clump of windbitten trees. Then it reappeared much further off, +and still receding. It soared for a time, and sank slowly, and +after that I saw it no more. I suppose it fell into the sea and +got wetted with salt water and heavy, and so became deflated and +sank. + +It was never found, and there was never a report of anyone seeing +it after it escaped from me. + +VI + +But if I find it hard to tell the story of our long flight +through the air overseas, at least that dawn in France stands +cold and clear and full. I see again almost as if I saw once +more with my bodily eyes the ridges of sand rising behind ridges +of sand, grey and cold and black-browed, with an insufficient +grass. I feel again the clear, cold chill of dawn, and hear the +distant barking of a dog. I find myself asking again, "What +shall we do now?" and trying to scheme with brain tired beyond +measure. + +At first my uncle occupied my attention. He was shivering a good +deal, and it was all I could do to resist my desire to get him +into a comfortable bed at once. But I wanted to appear plausibly +in this part of the world. I felt it would not do to turn up +anywhere at dawn and rest, it would be altogether too +conspicuous; we must rest until the day was well advanced, and +then appear as road-stained pedestrians seeking a meal. I gave +him most of what was left of the biscuits, emptied our flasks, +and advised him to sleep, but at first it was too cold, albeit I +wrapped the big fur rug around him. + +I was struck now by the flushed weariness of his face, and the +look of age the grey stubble on his unshaved chin gave him. He +sat crumpled up, shivering and coughing, munching reluctantly, +but drinking eagerly, and whimpering a little, a dreadfully +pitiful figure to me. But we had to go through with it; there +was no way out for us. + +Presently the sun rose over the pines, and the sand grew rapidly +warm. My uncle had done eating, and sat with his wrists resting +on his knees, the most hopeless looking of lost souls. + +"I'm ill," he said, "I'm damnably ill! I can feel it in my skin!" + +Then--it was horrible to me--he cried, "I ought to be in bed; I +ought to be in bed... instead of flying about," and suddenly he +burst into tears. + +I stood up. "Go to sleep, man!" I said, and took the rug from +him, and spread it out and rolled him up in it. + +"It's all very well," he protested; "I'm not young enough--" + +"Lift up your head," I interrupted, and put his knapsack under +it. + +"They'll catch us here, just as much as in an inn," he grumbled +and then lay still. + +Presently, after a long time, I perceived he was asleep. His +breath came with peculiar wheezings, and every now and again he +would cough. I was very stiff and tired myself, and perhaps I +dozed. I don't remember. I remember only sitting, as it +seemed, nigh interminably, beside him, too weary even to think in +that sandy desolation. + +No one came near us; no creature, not even a dog. I roused myself +at last, feeling that it was vain to seek to seem other than +abnormal, and with an effort that was like lifting a sky of lead, +we made our way through the wearisome sand to a farmhouse. There +I feigned even a more insufficient French than I possess +naturally, and let it appear that we were pedestrians from +Biarritz who had lost our way along the shore and got benighted. + +This explained us pretty well, I thought, and we got most +heartening coffee and a cart to a little roadside station. My +uncle grew more and more manifestly ill with every stage of our +journey. I got him to Bayonne, where he refused at first to eat, +and was afterwards very sick, and then took him shivering and +collapsed up a little branch line to a frontier place called +Luzon Gare. + +We found one homely inn with two small bedrooms, kept by a kindly +Basque woman. I got him to bed, and that night shared his room, +and after an hour or so of sleep he woke up in a raging fever and +with a wandering mind, cursing Neal and repeating long, +inaccurate lists of figures. He was manifestly a case for a +doctor, and in the morning we got one in. He was a young man +from Montpelier, just beginning to practise, and very mysterious +and technical and modern and unhelpful. He spoke of cold and +exposure, and la grippe and pneumonia. He gave many explicit +and difficult directions.... I perceived it devolved upon me to +organise nursing and a sick-room. I installed a religieuse +in the second bedroom of the inn, and took a room for myself in +the inn of Port de Luzon, a quarter of a mile away. + +VII + +And now my story converges on what, in that queer corner of +refuge out of the world, was destined to be my uncle's deathbed. +There is a background of the Pyrenees, of blue hills and sunlit +houses, of the old castle of Luzon and a noisy cascading river, +and for a foreground the dim, stuffy room whose windows both the +religieuse and hostess conspired to shut, with its waxed floor, +its four-poster bed, its characteristically French chairs and +fireplace, its champagne bottles and dirty basins and used towels +and packets of Somatose on the table. And in the sickly air of +the confined space in behind the curtains of the bed lay my +little uncle, with an effect of being enthroned and secluded, or +sat up, or writhed and tossed in his last dealings of life. One +went and drew back the edge of the curtains if one wanted to +speak to him or look at him. + +Usually he was propped up against pillows, because so he breathed +more easily. He slept hardly at all. + +I have a confused memory of vigils and mornings and afternoons +spent by that bedside, and how the religieuse hovered about me, +and how meek and good and inefficient she was, and how horribly +black were her nails. Other figures come and go, and +particularly the doctor, a young man plumply rococo, in bicycling +dress, with fine waxen features, a little pointed beard, and the +long black frizzy hair and huge tie of a minor poet. Bright and +clear-cut and irrelevant are memories of the Basque hostess of +my uncle's inn and of the family of Spanish people who +entertained me and prepared the most amazingly elaborate meals +for me, with soup and salad and chicken and remarkable sweets. +They were all very kind and sympathetic people, systematically +so. And constantly, without attracting attention, I was trying +to get newspapers from home. + +My uncle is central to all these impressions. + +I have tried to make you picture him, time after time, as the +young man of the Wimblehurst chemist's shop, as the shabby +assistant in Tottenham Court Road, as the adventurer of the early +days of Tono-Bungay, as the confident, preposterous plutocrat. +And now I have to tell of him strangely changed under the shadow +of oncoming death, with his skin lax and yellow and glistening +with sweat, his eyes large and glassy, his countenance +unfamiliar through the growth of a beard, his nose pinched and +thin. Never had he looked so small as now. And he talked to me +in a whispering, strained voice of great issues, of why his life +had been, and whither he was going. Poor little man! that last +phase is, as it were, disconnected from all the other phases. It +was as if he crawled out from the ruins of his career, and looked +about him before he died. For he had quite clear-minded states +in the intervals of his delirium. + +He knew he was almost certainly dying. In a way that took the +burthen of his cares off his mind. There was no more Neal to +face, no more flights or evasions, no punishments. + +"It has been a great career, George," he said, "but I shall be +glad to rest. Glad to rest!... Glad to rest." + +His mind ran rather upon his career, and usually, I am glad to +recall, with a note of satisfaction and approval. In his +delirious phases he would most often exaggerate this +self-satisfaction, and talk of his splendours. He would pluck +at the sheet and stare before him, and whisper half-audible +fragments of sentences. + +"What is this great place, these cloud-capped towers, these any +pinnacles?... Ilion. Sky-pointing.... Ilion House, the +residence of one of our great merchant princes.... Terrace above +terrace. Reaching to the heavens.... Kingdoms Caesar never +knew.... A great poet, George. Zzzz. Kingdoms Caesar never +knew.... Under entirely new management. + +"Greatness....Millions... Universities.... He stands on the +terrace--on the upper terrace--directing--directing--by the +globe--directing--the trade." + +It was hard at times to tell when his sane talk ceased and his +delirium began. The secret springs of his life, the vain +imaginations were revealed. I sometimes think that all the life +of man sprawls abed, careless and unkempt, until it must needs +clothe and wash itself and come forth seemly in act and speech +for the encounter with one's fellow-men. I suspect that all +things unspoken in our souls partake somewhat of the laxity of +delirium and dementia. Certainly from those slimy, tormented +lips above the bristling grey beard came nothing but dreams and +disconnected fancies.... + +Sometimes he raved about Neal, threatened Neal. "What has he got +invested?" he said. "Does he think he can escape me?... If I +followed him up.... Ruin. Ruin.... One would think _I_ had taken +his money." + +And sometimes he reverted to our airship flight. "It's too long, +George, too long and too cold. I'm too old a man--too old--for +this sort of thing.... You know you're not saving--you're killing +me." + +Towards the end it became evident our identity was discovered. I +found the press, and especially Boom's section of it, had made a +sort of hue and cry for us, sent special commissioners to hunt +for us, and though none of these emissaries reached us until my +uncle was dead, one felt the forewash of that storm of energy. +The thing got into the popular French press. People became +curious in their manner towards us, and a number of fresh faces +appeared about the weak little struggle that went on in the +closeness behind the curtains of the bed. The young doctor +insisted on consultations, and a motor-car came up from Biarritz, +and suddenly odd people with questioning eyes began to poke in +with inquiries and help. Though nothing was said, I could feel +that we were no longer regarded as simple middle-class tourists; +about me, as I went, I perceived almost as though it trailed +visibly, the prestige of Finance and a criminal notoriety. Local +personages of a plump and prosperous quality appeared in the inn +making inquiries, the Luzon priest became helpful, people watched +our window, and stared at me as I went to and fro; and then we +had a raid from a little English clergyman and his amiable, +capable wife in severely Anglican blacks, who swooped down upon +us like virtuous but resolute vultures from the adjacent village +of Saint Jean de Pollack. + +The clergyman was one of those odd types that oscillate between +remote country towns in England and the conduct of English Church +services on mutual terms in enterprising hotels abroad, a +tremulous, obstinate little being with sporadic hairs upon his +face, spectacles, a red button nose, and aged black raiment. He +was evidently enormously impressed by my uncle's monetary +greatness, and by his own inkling of our identity, and he shone +and brimmed over with tact and fussy helpfulness. He was eager +to share the watching of the bedside with me, he proffered +services with both hands, and as I was now getting into touch +with affairs in London again, and trying to disentangle the +gigantic details of the smash from the papers I had succeeded in +getting from Biarritz, I accepted his offers pretty generously, +and began the studies in modern finance that lay before me. I +had got so out of touch with the old traditions of religion that +I overlooked the manifest possibility of his attacking my poor, +sinking vestiges of an uncle with theological solicitudes. My +attention was called to that, however, very speedily by a polite +but urgent quarrel between himself and the Basque landlady as to +the necessity of her hanging a cheap crucifix in the shadow over +the bed, where it might catch my uncle's eye, where, indeed, I +found it had caught his eye. + +"Good Lord!" I cried; "is THAT still going on!" + +That night the little clergyman watched, and in the small hours +he raised a false alarm that my uncle was dying, and made an +extraordinary fuss. He raised the house. I shall never forget +that scene, I think, which began with a tapping at my bedroom +door just after I had fallen asleep, and his voice-- + +"If you want to see your uncle before he goes, you must come +now." + +The stuffy little room was crowded when I reached it, and lit by +three flickering candles. I felt I was back in the eighteenth +century. There lay my poor uncle amidst indescribably tumbled +bedclothes, weary of life beyond measure, weary and rambling, and +the little clergyman trying to hold his hand and his attention, +and repeating over and over again: + +"Mr. Ponderevo, Mr. Ponderevo, it is all right. It is all right. + +Only Believe! 'Believe on me, and ye shall be saved'!" + +Close at hand was the doctor with one of those cruel and idiotic +injection needles modern science puts in the hands of these +half-educated young men, keeping my uncle flickeringly alive for +no reason whatever. The religieuse hovered sleepily in the +background with an overdue and neglected dose. In addition, the +landlady had not only got up herself, but roused an aged crone of +a mother and a partially imbecile husband, and there was also a +fattish, stolid man in grey alpaca, with an air of +importance--who he was and how he got there, I don't know. I +rather fancy the doctor explained him to me in French I did not +understand. And they were all there, wearily nocturnal, hastily +and carelessly dressed, intent upon the life that flickered and +sank, making a public and curious show of its going, queer shapes +of human beings lit by three uncertain candles, and every soul of +them keenly and avidly resolved to be in at the death. The +doctor stood, the others were all sitting on chairs the landlady +had brought in and arranged for them. + +And my uncle spoilt the climax, and did not die. + +I replaced the little clergyman on the chair by the bedside, and +he hovered about the room. + +"I think," he whispered to me mysteriously, as he gave place to +me, "I believe--it is well with him." + +I heard him trying to render the stock phrases of Low Church +piety into French for the benefit of the stolid man in grey +alpaca. Then he knocked a glass off the table, and scrabbled for +the fragments. From the first I doubted the theory of an +immediate death. I consulted the doctor in urgent whispers. I +turned round to get champagne, and nearly fell over the +clergyman's legs. He was on his knees at the additional chair +the Basque landlady had got on my arrival, and he was praying +aloud, "Oh, Heavenly Father, have mercy on this thy Child...." I +hustled him up and out of the way, and in another minute he was +down at another chair praying again, and barring the path of the +religieuse, who had found me the corkscrew. Something put into +my head that tremendous blasphemy of Carlyle's about "the last +mew of a drowning kitten." He found a third chair vacant +presently; it was as if he was playing a game. + +"Good Heavens!" I said, "we must clear these people out," and +with a certain urgency I did. + +I had a temporary lapse of memory, and forgot all my French. I +drove them out mainly by gesture, and opened the window, to the +universal horror. I intimated the death scene was postponed, +and, as a matter of fact, my uncle did not die until the next +night. + +I did not let the little clergyman come near him again, and I was +watchful for any sign that his mind had been troubled. But he +made none. He talked once about "that parson chap." + +"Didn't bother you?" I asked. + +"Wanted something," he said. + +I kept silence, listening keenly to his mutterings. I +understood him to say, "They wanted too much." His face puckered +like a child's going to cry. "You can't get a safe six +per cent.," he said. I had for a moment a wild suspicion that +those urgent talks had not been altogether spiritual, but that, I +think, was a quite unworthy and unjust suspicion. The little +clergyman was as simple and honest as the day. My uncle was +simply generalising about his class. + +But it may have been these talks that set loose some long dormant +string of ideas in my uncle's brain, ideas the things of this +world had long suppressed and hidden altogether. Near the end he +suddenly became clearminded and lucid, albeit very weak, and his +voice was little, but clear. + +"George," he said. + +"I'm here," I said, "close beside you." + +"George. You have always been responsible for the science. +George. You know better than I do. Is--Is it proved?" + +"What proved?" + +"Either way?" + +"I don't understand." + +"Death ends all. After so much--Such splendid beginnin's. +Somewhere. Something." + +I stared at him amazed. His sunken eyes were very grave. + +"What do you expect?" I said in wonder. + +He would not answer. "Aspirations," he whispered. He fell into +a broken monologue, regardless of me. "Trailing clouds of glory," +he said, and "first-rate poet, first-rate....George was always +hard. Always." + +For a long time there was silence. + +Then he made a gesture that he wished to speak. + +"Seems to me, George" + +I bent my head down, and he tried to lift his hand to my +shoulder. I raised him a little on his pillows, and listened. + +"It seems to me, George, always--there must be something in +me--that won't die." + +He looked at me as though the decision rested with me. + +"I think," he said; "--something." + +Then, for a moment, his mind wandered. "Just a little link," he +whispered almost pleadingly, and lay quite still, but presently +he was uneasy again. + +"Some other world" + +"Perhaps," I said. "Who knows?" + +"Some other world." + +"Not the same scope for enterprise," I said. + +"No." + +He became silent. I sat leaning down to him, and following out +my own thoughts, and presently the religieuse resumed her +periodic conflict with the window fastening. For a time he +struggled for breath.... It seemed such nonsense that he should +have to suffer so--poor silly little man! + +"George," he whispered, and his weak little hand came out. +"PERHAPS--" + +He said no more, but I perceived from the expression of his eyes +that he thought the question had been put. + +"Yes, I think so;" I said stoutly. + +"Aren't you sure?" + +"Oh--practically sure," said I, and I think he tried to squeeze +my hand. And there I sat, holding his hand tight, and trying to +think what seeds of immortality could be found in all his being, +what sort of ghost there was in him to wander out into the bleak +immensities. Queer fancies came to me.... He lay still for a +long time, save for a brief struggle or so for breath and ever +and again I wiped his mouth and lips. + +I fell into a pit of thought. I did not remark at first the +change that was creeping over his face. He lay back on his +pillow, made a faint zzzing sound that ceased, and presently and +quite quietly he died--greatly comforted by my assurance. I do +not know when he died. His hand relaxed insensibly. Suddenly, +with a start, with a shock, I found that his mouth had fallen +open, and that he was dead.... + +VIII + +It was dark night when I left his deathbed and went back to my +own inn down the straggling street of Luzon. + +That return to my inn sticks in my memory also as a thing apart, +as an experience apart. Within was a subdued bustle of women, a +flitting of lights, and the doing of petty offices to that queer, +exhausted thing that had once been my active and urgent little +uncle. For me those offices were irksome and impertinent. I +slammed the door, and went out into the warm, foggy drizzle of +the village street lit by blurred specks of light in great voids +of darkness, and never a soul abroad. That warm veil of fog +produced an effect of vast seclusion. The very houses by the +roadside peered through it as if from another world. The +stillness of the night was marked by an occasional remote baying +of dogs; all these people kept dogs because of the near +neighbourhood of the frontier. + +Death! + +It was one of those rare seasons of relief, when for a little +time one walks a little outside of and beside life. I felt as I +sometimes feel after the end of a play. I saw the whole business +of my uncle's life as something familiar and completed. It was +done, like a play one leaves, like a book one closes. I thought +of the push and the promotions, the noise of London, the crowded, +various company of people through which our lives had gone, the +public meetings, the excitements, the dinners and disputations, +and suddenly it appeared to me that none of these things existed. + +It came to me like a discovery that none of these things existed. + +Before and after I have thought and called life a phantasmagoria, +but never have I felt its truth as I did that night.... We had +parted; we two who had kept company so long had parted. But +there was, I knew, no end to him or me. He had died a dream +death, and ended a dream; his pain dream was over. It seemed to +me almost as though I had died, too. What did it matter, since +it was unreality, all of it, the pain and desire, the beginning +and the end? There was no reality except this solitary road, +this quite solitary road, along which one went rather puzzled, +rather tired.... + +Part of the fog became a big mastiff that came towards me and +stopped and slunk round me, growling, barked gruffly, and shortly +and presently became fog again. + +My mind swayed back to the ancient beliefs and fears of our race. + +My doubts and disbeliefs slipped from me like a loosely fitting +garment. I wondered quite simply what dogs bayed about the path +of that other walker in the darkness, what shapes, what lights, +it might be, loomed about him as he went his way from our last +encounter on earth--along the paths that are real, and the way +that endures for ever? + +IX + +Last belated figure in that grouping round my uncle's deathbed +is my aunt. When it was beyond all hope that my uncle could live +I threw aside whatever concealment remained to us and telegraphed +directly to her. But she came too late to see him living. She +saw him calm and still, strangely unlike his habitual garrulous +animation, an unfamiliar inflexibility. + +"It isn't like him," she whispered, awed by this alien dignity. + +I remember her chiefly as she talked and wept upon the bridge +below the old castle. We had got rid of some amateurish +reporters from Biarritz, and had walked together in the hot +morning sunshine down through Port Luzon. There, for a time, we +stood leaning on the parapet of the bridge and surveying the +distant peeks, the rich blue masses of the Pyrenees. For a long +time we said nothing, and then she began talking. + +"Life's a rum Go, George!" she began. "Who would have thought, +when I used to darn your stockings at old Wimblehurst, that this +would be the end of the story? It seems far away now--that +little shop, his and my first home. The glow of the bottles, the +big coloured bottles! Do you remember how the light shone on the +mahogany drawers? The little gilt letters! Ol Amjig, and +Snap! I can remember it all--bright and shining--like a Dutch +picture. Real! And yesterday. And here we are in a dream. You +a man--and me an old woman, George. And poor little Teddy, who +used to rush about and talk--making that noise he did--Oh!" + +She choked, and the tears flowed unrestrained. She wept, and I +was glad to see her weeping. + +She stood leaning over the bridge; her tear-wet handkerchief +gripped in her clenched hand. + +"Just an hour in the old shop again--and him talking. Before +things got done. Before they got hold of him. And fooled him. + +"Men oughtn't to be so tempted with business and things.... + +"They didn't hurt him, George?" she asked suddenly. + +For a moment I was puzzled. + +"Here, I mean," she said. + +"No," I lied stoutly, suppressing the memory of that foolish +injection needle I had caught the young doctor using. + +"I wonder, George, if they'll let him talk in Heaven...." + +She faced me. "Oh! George, dear, my heart aches, and I don't +know what I say and do. Give me your arm to lean on--it's good +to have you, dear, and lean upon you.... Yes, I know you care +for me. That's why I'm talking. We've always loved one another, +and never said anything about it, and you understand, and I +understand. But my heart's torn to pieces by this, torn to rags, +and things drop out I've kept in it. It's true he wasn't a +husband much for me at the last. But he was my child, George, he +was my child and all my children, my silly child, and life has +knocked him about for me, and I've never had a say in the matter; +never a say; it's puffed him up and smashed him--like an old +bag--under my eyes. I was clever enough to see it, and not +clever enough to prevent it, and all I could do was to jeer. +I've had to make what I could of it. Like most people. Like +most of us.... But it wasn't fair, George. It wasn't fair. Life +and Death--great serious things--why couldn't they leave him +alone, and his lies and ways? If WE could see the lightness of +it-- + +"Why couldn't they leave him alone?" she repeated in a whisper as +we went towards the inn. + + +CHAPTER THE SECOND + +LOVE AMONG THE WRECKAGE + +I + +When I came back I found that my share in the escape and death of +my uncle had made me for a time a notorious and even popular +character. For two weeks I was kept in London "facing the +music," as he would have said, and making things easy for my +aunt, and I still marvel at the consideration with which the +world treated me. For now it was open and manifest that I and my +uncle were no more than specimens of a modern species of brigand, +wasting the savings of the public out of the sheer wantonness of +enterprise. I think that in a way, his death produced a reaction +in my favour and my flight, of which some particulars now +appeared stuck in the popular imagination. It seemed a more +daring and difficult feat than it was, and I couldn't very well +write to the papers to sustain my private estimate. There can be +little doubt that men infinitely prefer the appearance of dash +and enterprise to simple honesty. No one believed I was not an +arch plotter in his financing. Yet they favoured me. I even +got permission from the trustee to occupy my chalet for a +fortnight while I cleared up the mass of papers, calculations, +notes of work, drawings and the like, that I left in disorder +when I started on that impulsive raid upon the Mordet quap heaps. + +I was there alone. I got work for Cothope with the Ilchesters, +for whom I now build these destroyers. They wanted him at once, +and he was short of money, so I let him go and managed very +philosophically by myself. + +But I found it hard to fix my attention on aeronautics, I had +been away from the work for a full half-year and more, a +half-year crowded with intense disconcerting things. For a time +my brain refused these fine problems of balance and adjustment +altogether; it wanted to think about my uncle's dropping jaw, my +aunt's reluctant tears, about dead negroes and pestilential +swamps, about the evident realities of cruelty and pain, about +life and death. Moreover, it was weary with the frightful pile +of figures and documents at the Hardingham, a task to which this +raid to Lady Grove was simply an interlude. And there was +Beatrice. + +On the second morning, as I sat out upon the veranda recalling +memories and striving in vain to attend to some too succinct +pencil notes of Cothope's, Beatrice rode up suddenly from behind +the pavilion, and pulled rein and became still; Beatrice, a +little flushed from riding and sitting on a big black horse. + +I did not instantly rise. I stared at her. "YOU!" I said. + +She looked at me steadily. "Me," she said + +I did not trouble about any civilities. I stood up and asked +point blank a question that came into my head. + +"Whose horse is that?" I said. + +She looked me in the eyes. "Carnaby's," she answered. + +"How did you get here--this way?" + +"The wall's down." + +"Down? Already?" + +"A great bit of it between the plantations." + +"And you rode through, and got here by chance?" + +"I saw you yesterday. And I rode over to see you." I had now +come close to her, and stood looking up into her face. + +"I'm a mere vestige," I said. + +She made no answer, but remained regarding me steadfastly with a +curious air of proprietorship. + +"You know I'm the living survivor now of the great smash. I'm +rolling and dropping down through all the scaffolding of the +social system.... It's all a chance whether I roll out free at +the bottom, or go down a crack into the darkness out of sight for +a year or two." + +"The sun," she remarked irrelevantly,"has burnt you.... I'm +getting down." + +She swung herself down into my arms, and stood beside me face to +face. + +"Where's Cothope?" she asked. + +"Gone." + +Her eyes flitted to the pavilion and back to me. We stood close +together, extraordinarily intimate, and extraordinarily apart. + +"I've never seen this cottage of yours," she said, "and I want +to." + +She flung the bridle of her horse round the veranda post, and I +helped her tie it. + +"Did you get what you went for to Africa?" she asked. + +"No," I said, "I lost my ship." + +"And that lost everything?" + +"Everything." + +She walked before me into the living-room of the chalet, and I +saw that she gripped her riding-whip very tightly in her hand. +She looked about her for a moment,--and then at me. + +"It's comfortable," she remarked. + +Our eyes met in a conversation very different from the one upon +our lips. A sombre glow surrounded us, drew us together; an +unwonted shyness kept us apart. She roused herself, after an +instant's pause, to examine my furniture. + +"You have chintz curtains. I thought men were too feckless to +have curtains without a woman. But, of course, your aunt did +that! And a couch and a brass fender, and--is that a pianola? +That is your desk. I thought men's desks were always untidy, and +covered with dust and tobacco ash." + +She flitted to my colour prints and my little case of books. +Then she went to the pianola. I watched her intently. + +"Does this thing play?" she said. + +"What?" I asked. + +"Does this thing play?" + +I roused myself from my preoccupation. + +"Like a musical gorilla with fingers all of one length. And a +sort of soul.... It's all the world of music to me." + +"What do you play?" + +"Beethoven, when I want to clear up my head while I'm working. +He is--how one would always like to work. Sometimes Chopin and +those others, but Beethoven. Beethoven mainly. Yes." + +Silence again between us. She spoke with an effort. + +"Play me something." She turned from me and explored the rack +of music rolls, became interested and took a piece, the first +part of the Kreutzer Sonata, hesitated. "No," she said, "that!" + +She gave me Brahms' Second Concerto, Op. 58, and curled up on the +sofa watching me as I set myself slowly to play.... + +"I say," he said when I had done, "that's fine. I didn't know +those things could play like that. I'm all astir..." + +She came and stood over me, looking at me. "I'm going to have a +concert," she said abruptly, and laughed uneasily and hovered at +the pigeon-holes. "Now--now what shall I have?" She chose more +of Brahms. Then we came to the Kreutzer Sonata. It is queer how +Tolstoy has loaded that with suggestions, debauched it, made it a +scandalous and intimate symbol. When I had played the first part +of that, she came up to the pianola and hesitated over me. I sat +stiffly--waiting. + +Suddenly she seized my downcast head and kissed my hair. She +caught at my face between her hands and kissed my lips. I put my +arms about her and we kissed together. I sprang to my feet and +clasped her. + +"Beatrice!" I said. "Beatrice!" + +"My dear," she whispered, nearly breathless, with her arms about +me. "Oh! my dear!" + +II + +Love, like everything else in this immense process of social +disorganisation in which we live, is a thing adrift, a fruitless +thing broken away from its connexions. I tell of this love +affair here because of its irrelevance, because it is so +remarkable that it should mean nothing, and be nothing except +itself. It glows in my memory like some bright casual flower +starting up amidst the debris of a catastrophe. For nearly a +fortnight we two met and made love together. Once more this +mighty passion, that our aimless civilisation has fettered and +maimed and sterilised and debased, gripped me and filled me with +passionate delights and solemn joys--that were all, you know, +futile and purposeless. Once more I had the persuasion "This +matters. Nothing else matters so much as this." We were both +infinitely grave in such happiness as we had. I do not remember +any laughter at all between us. + +Twelve days it lasted from that encounter in my chalet until our +parting. + +Except at the end, they were days of supreme summer, and there +was a waxing moon. We met recklessly day by day. We were so +intent upon each other at first so intent upon expressing +ourselves to each other, and getting at each other, that we +troubled very little about the appearance of our relationship. +We met almost openly.... We talked of ten thousand things, and of +ourselves. We loved. We made love. There is no prose of mine +that can tell of hours transfigured. The facts are nothing. +Everything we touched, the meanest things, became glorious. How +can I render bare tenderness and delight and mutual possession? +I sit here at my desk thinking of untellable things. + +I have come to know so much of love that I know now what love +might be. We loved, scarred and stained; we parted--basely and +inevitably, but at least I met love. + +I remember as we sat in a Canadian canoe, in a reedy, bush-masked +shallow we had discovered operating out of that pine-shaded +Woking canal, how she fell talking of the things that happened +to her before she met me again.... + +She told me things, and they so joined and welded together other +things that lay disconnected in my memory, that it seemed to me +I had always known what she told me. And yet indeed I had not +known nor suspected it, save perhaps for a luminous, transitory +suspicion ever and again. + +She made me see how life had shaped her. She told me of her +girlhood after I had known her. "We were poor and pretending and +managing. We hacked about on visits and things. I ought to have +married. The chances I had weren't particularly good chances. I +didn't like 'em." + +She paused. "Then Carnaby came along." + +I remained quite still. She spoke now with downcast eyes, and +one finger just touching the water. + +"One gets bored, bored beyond redemption. One does about to +these huge expensive houses I suppose--the scale's immense. One +makes one's self useful to the other women, and agreeable to the +men. One has to dress.... One has food and exercise and leisure, +It's the leisure, and the space, and the blank opportunity it +seems a sin not to fill. Carnaby isn't like the other men. He's +bigger.... They go about making love. Everybody's making love. +I did.... And I don't do things by halves." + +She stopped. + +"You knew?"--she asked, looking up, quite steadily. I nodded. + +"Since when?" + +"Those last days.... It hasn't seemed to matter really. I was a +little surprised" + +She looked at me quietly. "Cothope knew," she said. "By +instinct. I could feel it." + +"I suppose," I began, "once, this would have mattered immensely. +Now--" + +"Nothing matters," she said, completing me. "I felt I had to +tell you. I wanted you to understand why I didn't marry +you--with both hands. I have loved you"--she paused--"have loved +you ever since the day I kissed you in the bracken. Only--I +forgot." + +And suddenly she dropped her face upon her hands, and sobbed +passionately-- + +"I forgot--I forgot," she cried, and became still.... + +I dabbled my paddle in the water. "Look here!" I said; "forget +again! Here am I--a ruined man. Marry me." + +She shook her head without looking up. + +We were still for a long time. "Marry me!" I whispered. + +She looked up, twined back a whisp of hair, and answered +dispassionately-- + +"I wish I could. Anyhow, we have had this time. It has been a +fine time--has it been--for you also? I haven't nudged you all I +had to give. It's a poor gift--except for what it means and +might have been. But we are near the end of it now." + +"Why?" I asked. "Marry me! Why should we two--" + +"You think," she said, "I could take courage and come to you and +be your everyday wife--while you work and are poor?" + +"Why not?" said I. + +She looked at me gravely, with extended finger. "Do you really +think that--of me? Haven't you seen me--all?" + +I hesitated. + +"Never once have I really meant marrying you," she insisted. +"Never once. I fell in love with you from the first. But when +you seemed a successful man, I told myself I wouldn't. I was +love-sick for you, and you were so stupid, I came near it then. +But I knew I wasn't good enough. What could I have been to you? +A woman with bad habits and bad associations, a woman smirched. +And what could I do for you or be to you? If I wasn't good +enough to be a rich man's wife, I'm certainly not good enough to +be a poor one's. Forgive me for talking sense to you now, but I +wanted to tell you this somehow." + +She stopped at my gesture. I sat up, and the canoe rocked with +my movement. + +"I don't care," I said. "I want to marry you and make you my +wife!" + +"No," she said, "don't spoil things. That is impossible!" + +"Impossible!" + +"Think! I can't do my own hair! Do you mean you will get me a +maid?" + +"Good God!" I cried, disconcerted beyond measure, "won't you +learn to do your own hair for me? Do you mean to say you can +love a man--" + +She flung out her hands at me. "Don't spoil it," she cried. "I +have given you all I have, I have given you all I can. If I +could do it, if I was good enough to do it, I would. But I am a +woman spoilt and ruined, dear, and you are a ruined man. When we +are making love we're lovers--but think of the gulf between us in +habits and ways of thought, in will and training, when we are not +making love. Think of it--and don't think of it! Don't think of +it yet. We have snatched some hours. We still may have some +hours!" + +She suddenly knelt forward toward me, with a glowing darkness in +her eyes. "Who cares if it upsets?" she cried. "If you say +another word I will kiss you. And go to the bottom clutching you. + +I'm not afraid of that. I'm not a bit afraid of that. I'll die +with you. Choose a death, and I'll die with you--readily. Do +listen to me! I love you. I shall always love you. It's +because I love you that I won't go down to become a dirty +familiar thing with you amidst the grime. I've given all I can. +I've had all I can.... Tell me," and she crept nearer, "have I +been like the dusk to you, like the warm dusk? Is there magic +still? Listen to the ripple of water from your paddle. Look at +the warm evening light in the sky. Who cares if the canoe +upsets? Come nearer to me. Oh, my love! come near! So." + +She drew me to her and our lips met. + +III + +I asked her to marry me once again. + +It was our last morning together, and we had met very early, +about sunrise, knowing that we were to part. No sun shone that +day. The sky was overcast, the morning chilly and lit by a +clear, cold, spiritless light. A heavy dampness in the air +verged close on rain. When I think of that morning, it has +always the quality of greying ashes wet with rain. + +Beatrice too had changed. The spring had gone out of her +movement; it came to me, for the first time, that some day she +might grow old. She had become one flesh with the rest of common +humanity; the softness had gone from her voice and manner, the +dusky magic of her presence had gone. I saw these things with +perfect clearness, and they made me sorry for them and for her. +But they altered my love not a whit, abated it nothing. And when +we had talked awkwardly for half a dozen sentences, I came dully +to my point. + +"And now," I cried, "will you marry me?" + +"No," she said, "I shall keep to my life here." + +I asked her to marry me in a year's time. She shook her head. + +"This world is a soft world," I said, "in spite of my present +disasters. I know now how to do things. If I had you to work +for--in a year I could be a prosperous man" + +"No," she said, "I will put it brutally, I shall go back to +Carnaby." + +"But--!" I did not feel angry. I had no sort of jealousy, no +wounded pride, no sense of injury. I had only a sense of grey +desolation, of hopeless cross-purposes. + +"Look here," she said. "I have been awake all night and every +night. I have been thinking of this--every moment when we have +not been together. I'm not answering you on an impulse. I love +you. I love you. I'll say that over ten thousand times. But +here we are--" + +"The rest of life together," I said. + +"It wouldn't be together. Now we are together. Now we have been +together. We are full of memories I do not feel I can ever +forget a single one." + +"Nor I." + +"And I want to close it and leave it at that. You see, dear, +what else is there to do?" + +She turned her white face to me. "All I know of love, all I have +ever dreamt or learnt of love I have packed into these days for +you. You think we might live together and go on loving. No! +For you I will have no vain repetitions. You have had the best +and all of me. Would you have us, after this, meet again in +London or Paris or somewhere, scuffle to some wretched +dressmaker's, meet in a cabinet particulier?" + +"No," I said. "I want you to marry me. I want you to play the +game of life with me as an honest woman should. Come and live +with me. Be my wife and squaw. Bear me children." + +I looked at her white, drawn face, and it seemed to me I might +carry her yet. I spluttered for words. + +"My God! Beatrice!" I cried; "but this is cowardice and folly! +Are you afraid of life? You of all people! What does it matter +what has been or what we were? Here we are with the world before +us! Start clean and new with me. We'll fight it through! I'm +not such a simple lover that I'll not tell you plainly when you +go wrong, and fight our difference out with you. It's the one +thing I want, the one thing I need--to have you, and more of you +and more! This love-making--it's love-making. It's just a part +of us, an incident--" + +She shook her head and stopped me abruptly. "It's all," she +said. + +"All!" I protested. + +"I'm wiser than you. Wiser beyond words." She turned her eyes +to me and they shone with tears. + +"I wouldn't have you say anything--but what you're saying," she +said. "But it's nonsense, dear. You know it's nonsense as you +say it." + +I tried to keep up the heroic note, but she would not listen to +it. + +"It's no good," she cried almost petulantly. "This little world +has made us what we are. Don't you see--don't you see what +I am? I can make love. I can make love and be loved, prettily. +Dear, don't blame me. I have given you all I have. If I had +anything more--. I have gone through it all over and over +again--thought it out. This morning my head aches, my eyes ache. + +The light has gone out of me and I am a sick and tired woman. +But I'm talking wisdom--bitter wisdom. I couldn't be any sort of +helper to you, any sort of wife, any sort of mother. I'm spoilt. + +I'm spoilt by this rich idle way of living, until every habit is +wrong, every taste wrong. The world is wrong. People can be +ruined by wealth just as much as by poverty. Do you think I +wouldn't face life with you if I could, if I wasn't absolutely +certain I should be down and dragging in the first half-mile of +the journey? Here I am--damned! Damned! But I won't damn you. +You know what I am! You know. You are too clear and simple not +to know the truth. You try to romance and hector, but you know +the truth. I am a little cad--sold and done. I'm--. My dear, +you think I've been misbehaving, but all these days I've been on +my best behaviour.... You don't understand, because you're a man. + +A woman, when she's spoilt, is SPOILT. She's dirty in grain. +She's done." + +She walked on weeping. + +"You're a fool to want me," she said. "You're a fool to want +me--for my sake just as much as yours. We've done all we can. +It's just romancing--" + +She dashed the tears from her eyes and turned upon me. "Don't +you understand?" she challenged. "Don't you know?" + +We faced one another in silence for a moment. + +"Yes," I said, "I know." + +For a long time we spoke never a word, but walked on together, +slowly and sorrowfully, reluctant to turn about towards our +parting. When at last we did, she broke silence again. + +"I've had you," she said. + +"Heaven and hell," I said, "can't alter that." + +"I've wanted--" she went on. "I've talked to you in the nights +and made up speeches. Now when I want to make them I'm +tongue-tied. But to me it's just as if the moments we have had +lasted for ever. Moods and states come and go. To-day my light +is out..." + +To this day I cannot determine whether she said or whether I +imagined she said "chloral." Perhaps a half-conscious diagnosis +flashed it on my brain. Perhaps I am the victim of some perverse +imaginative freak of memory, some hinted possibility that +scratched and seared. There the word stands in my memory, as if +it were written in fire. + +We came to the door of Lady Osprey's garden at last, and it was +beginning to drizzle. + +She held out her hands and I took them. + +"Yours," she said, in a weary unimpassioned voice; "all that I +had--such as it was. Will you forget?" + +"Never," I answered. + +"Never a touch or a word of it?" + +"No." + +"You will," she said. + +We looked at one another in silence, and her face full of fatigue +and misery. + +What could I do? What was there to do? + +"I wish--" I said, and stopped. + +"Good-bye." + +IV + +That should have been the last I saw of her, but, indeed, I was +destined to see her once again. Two days after I was at Lady +Grove, I forget altogether upon what errand, and as I walked back +to the station believing her to be gone away she came upon me, +and she was riding with Carnaby, just as I had seen them first. +The encounter jumped upon us unprepared. She rode by, her eyes +dark in her white face, and scarcely noticed me. She winced and +grew stiff at the sight of me and bowed her head. But Carnaby, +because he thought I was a broken and discomfited man, saluted me +with an easy friendliness, and shouted some genial commonplace to +me. + +They passed out of sight and left me by the roadside.... + +And then, indeed, I tasted the ultimate bitterness of life. For +the first time I felt utter futility, and was wrung by emotion +that begot no action, by shame and pity beyond words. I had +parted from her dully and I had seen my uncle break and die with +dry eyes and a steady mind, but this chance sight of my lost +Beatrice brought me to tears. My face was wrung, and tears came +pouring down my cheeks. All the magic she had for me had changed +to wild sorrow. "Oh God!" I cried, "this is too much," and +turned my face after her and made appealing gestures to the beech +trees and cursed at fate. I wanted to do preposterous things, to +pursue her, to save her, to turn life back so that she might +begin again. I wonder what would have happened had I overtaken +them in pursuit, breathless with running, uttering incoherent +words, weeping, expostulatory. I came near to doing that. + +There was nothing in earth or heaven to respect my curses or +weeping. In the midst of it a man who had been trimming the +opposite hedge appeared and stared at me. + +Abruptly, ridiculously, I dissembled before him and went on and +caught my train.... + +But the pain I felt then I have felt a hundred times; it is with +me as I write. It haunts this book, I see, that is what haunts +this book, from end to end. + + +CHAPTER THE THIRD + +NIGHT AND THE OPEN SEA + +I + +I have tried throughout all this story to tell things as they +happened to me. In the beginning--the sheets are still here on +the table, grimy and dogs-eared and old-looking--I said I wanted +to tell MYSELF and the world in which I found myself, and I have +done my best. But whether I have succeeded I cannot imagine. All +this writing is grey now and dead and trite and unmeaning to me; +some of it I know by heart. I am the last person to judge it. + +As I turn over the big pile of manuscript before me certain +things become clearer to me, and particularly the immense +inconsequences of my experiences. It is, I see now that I have +it all before me, a story of activity and urgency and sterility. +I have called it Tono-Bungay, but I had far better have called it +Waste. I have told of childless Marion, of my childless aunt, of +Beatrice wasted and wasteful and futile. What hope is there for +a people whose women become fruitless? I think of all the energy +I have given to vain things. I think of my industrious scheming +with my uncle, of Crest Hill's vast cessation, of his resonant +strenuous career. Ten thousand men have envied him and wished to +live as he lived. It is all one spectacle of forces running to +waste, of people who use and do not replace, the story of a +country hectic with a wasting aimless fever of trade and +money-making and pleasure-seeking. And now I build destroyers! + +Other people may see this country in other terms; this is how I +have seen it. In some early chapter in this heap I compared all +our present colour and abundance to October foliage before the +frosts nip down the leaves. That I still feel was a good image. +Perhaps I see wrongly. It may be I see decay all about me +because I am, in a sense, decay. To others it may be a scene of +achievement and construction radiant with hope. I, too, have a +sort of hope, but it is a remote hope, a hope that finds no +promise in this Empire or in any of the great things of our time. + +How they will look in history I do not know, how time and chance +will prove them I cannot guess; that is how they have mirrored +themselves on one contemporary mind. + +II + +Concurrently with writing the last chapter of this book I have +been much engaged by the affairs of a new destroyer we have +completed. It has been an oddly complementary alternation of +occupations. Three weeks or so ago this novel had to be put +aside in order that I might give all my time day and night to the +fitting and finishing of the engines. Last Thursday X 2, for so +we call her, was done and I took her down the Thames and went out +nearly to Texel for a trial of speed. + +It is curious how at times one's impressions will all fuse and +run together into a sort of unity and become continuous with +things that have hitherto been utterly alien and remote. That +rush down the river became mysteriously connected with this book. + +As I passed down the Thames I seemed in a new and parallel manner +to be passing all England in review. I saw it then as I had +wanted my readers to see it. The thought came to me slowly as I +picked my way through the Pool; it stood out clear as I went +dreaming into the night out upon the wide North Sea. + +It wasn't so much thinking at the time as a sort of photographic +thought that came and grew clear. X2 went ripping through the +dirty oily water as scissors rip through canvas, and the front of +my mind was all intent with getting her through under the bridges +and in and out among the steam-boats and barges and rowing-boats +and piers. I lived with my hands and eyes hard ahead. I thought +nothing then of any appearances but obstacles, but for all that +the back of my mind took the photographic memory of it complete +and vivid.... + +"This," it came to me, "is England. That is what I wanted to +give in my book. This!" + +We started in the late afternoon. We throbbed out of our yard +above Hammersmith Bridge, fussed about for a moment, and headed +down stream. We came at an easy rush down Craven Reach, past +Fulham and Hurlingham, past the long stretches of muddy meadow +And muddy suburb to Battersea and Chelsea, round the cape of tidy +frontage that is Grosvenor Road and under Vauxhall Bridge, and +Westminster opened before us. We cleared a string of coal barges +and there on the left in the October sunshine stood the +Parliament houses, and the flag was flying and Parliament was +sitting. + +I saw it at the time unseeingly; afterwards it came into my mind +as the centre of the whole broad panoramic effect of that +afternoon. The stiff square lace of Victorian Gothic with its +Dutch clock of a tower came upon me suddenly and stared and +whirled past in a slow half pirouette and became still, I know, +behind me as if watching me recede. "Aren't you going to respect +me, then?" it seemed to say. + +Not I! There in that great pile of Victorian architecture the +landlords and the lawyers, the bishops, the railway men and the +magnates of commerce go to and fro--in their incurable tradition +of commercialised Bladesovery, of meretricious gentry and +nobility sold for riches. I have been near enough to know. The +Irish and the Labour-men run about among their feet, making a +fuss, effecting little, they've got no better plans that I can +see. Respect it indeed! There's a certain paraphernalia of +dignity, but whom does it deceive? The King comes down in a gilt +coach to open the show and wears long robes and a crown; and +there's a display of stout and slender legs in white stockings +and stout and slender legs in black stockings and artful old +gentlemen in ermine. I was reminded of one congested afternoon I +had spent with my aunt amidst a cluster of agitated women's hats +in the Royal Gallery of the House of Lords and how I saw the King +going to open Parliament, and the Duke of Devonshire looking like +a gorgeous pedlar and terribly bored with the cap of maintenance +on a tray before him hung by slings from his shoulder. A +wonderful spectacle! + +It is quaint, no doubt, this England--it is even dignified in +places--and full of mellow associations. That does not alter the +quality of the realities these robes conceal. The realities are +greedy trade, base profit-- seeking, bold advertisement; and +kingship and chivalry, spite of this wearing of treasured robes, +are as dead among it all as that crusader my uncle championed +against the nettles outside the Duffield church. + +I have thought much of that bright afternoon's panorama. + +To run down the Thames so is to run one's hand over the pages in +the book of England from end to end. One begins in Craven Reach +and it is as if one were in the heart of old England. Behind us +are Kew and Hampton Court with their memories of Kings and +Cardinals, and one runs at first between Fulham's episcopal +garden parties and Hurlingham's playground for the sporting +instinct of our race. The whole effect is English. There is +space, there are old trees and all the best qualities of the +home-land in that upper reach. Putney, too, looks Anglican on a +dwindling scale. And then for a stretch the newer developments +slop over, one misses Bladesover and there come first squalid +stretches of mean homes right and left and then the dingy +industrialism of the south side, and on the north bank the polite +long front of nice houses, artistic, literary, administrative +people's residences, that stretches from Cheyne Walk nearly to +Westminster and hides a wilderness of slums. What a long slow +crescendo that is, mile after mile, with the houses crowding +closelier, the multiplying succession of church towers, the +architectural moments, the successive bridges, until you come +out into the second movement of the piece with Lambeth's old +palace under your quarter and the houses of Parliament on your +bow! Westminster Bridge is ahead of you then, and through it you +flash, and in a moment the round-faced clock tower cranes up to +peer at you again and New Scotland Yard squares at you, a fat +beef-eater of a policeman disguised miraculously as a Bastille. + +For a stretch you have the essential London; you have Charing +Cross railway station, heart of the world, and the Embankment on +the north side with its new hotels overshadowing its Georgian and +Victorian architecture, and mud and great warehouses and +factories, chimneys, shot towers, advertisements on the south. +The northward skyline grows more intricate and pleasing, and more +and more does one thank God for Wren. Somerset House is as +picturesque as the civil war, one is reminded again of the +original England, one feels in the fretted sky the quality of +Restoration Lace. + +And then comes Astor's strong box and the lawyers' Inns. + +(I had a passing memory of myself there, how once I had trudged +along the Embankment westward, weighing my uncle's offer of +three hundred pounds a year....) + +Through that central essential London reach I drove, and X2 +bored her nose under the foam regardless of it all like a black +hound going through reeds--on what trail even I who made her +cannot tell. + +And in this reach, too, one first meets the seagulls and is +reminded of the sea. Blackfriars one takes--just under these two +bridges and just between them is the finest bridge moment in the +world--and behold, soaring up, hanging in the sky over a rude +tumult of warehouses, over a jostling competition of traders, +irrelevantly beautiful and altogether remote, Saint Paul's! "Of +course!" one says, "Saint Paul's!" It is the very figure of +whatever fineness the old Anglican culture achieved, detached, a +more dignified and chastened Saint Peter's, colder, greyer, but +still ornate; it has never been over thrown, never disavowed, +only the tall warehouses and all the roar of traffic have +forgotten it, every one has forgotten it; the steamships, the +barges, go heedlessly by regardless of it, intricacies of +telephone wires and poles cut blackly into its thin mysteries, +and presently, when in a moment the traffic permits you and you +look round for it, it has dissolved like a cloud into the grey +blues of the London sky. + +And then the traditional and ostensible England falls from you +altogether. The third movement begins, the last great movement +in the London symphony, in which the trim scheme of the old order +is altogether dwarfed and swallowed up. Comes London Bridge, and +the great warehouses tower up about you, waving stupendous +cranes, the gulls circle and scream in your ears, large ships lie +among their lighters, and one is in the port of the world. Again +and again in this book I have written of England as a feudal +scheme overtaken by fatty degeneration and stupendous accidents +of hypertrophy. + +For the last time I must strike that note as the memory of the +dear neat little sunlit ancient Tower of London lying away in a +gap among the warehouses comes back to me, that little +accumulation of buildings so provincially pleasant and +dignified, overshadowed by the vulgarest, most typical exploit +of modern England, the sham Gothic casings to the ironwork of the +Tower Bridge. That Tower Bridge is the very balance and +confirmation of Westminster's dull pinnacles and tower. That +sham Gothic bridge; in the very gates of our mother of change, +the Sea ! + +But after that one is in a world of accident and nature. For the +third part of the panorama of London is beyond all law, order, +and precedence; it is the seaport and the sea. One goes down the +widening reaches through a monstrous variety of shipping, great +steamers, great sailing-ships, trailing the flags of all the +world, a monstrous confusion of lighters, witches' conferences +of brown-sailed barges, wallowing tugs, a tumultuous crowding +and jostling of cranes and spars, and wharves and stores, and +assertive inscriptions. Huge vistas of dock open right and left +of one, and here and there beyond and amidst it all are church +towers, little patches of indescribably old-fashioned and +worn-out houses, riverside pubs and the like, vestiges of +townships that were long since torn to fragments and submerged in +these new growths. And amidst it all no plan appears, no +intention, no comprehensive desire. That is the very key of it +all. Each day one feels that the pressure of commerce and +traffic grew, grew insensibly monstrous, and first this man made +a wharf and that erected a crane, and then this company set to +work and then that, and so they jostled together to make this +unassimilable enormity of traffic. Through it we dodged and +drove eager for the high seas. + +I remember how I laughed aloud at the glimpse of the name of a +London County Council steamboat that ran across me. Caxton it +was called, and another was Pepys, and another was Shakespeare. +They seemed so wildly out of place, splashing about in that +confusion. One wanted to take them out and wipe them and put +them back in some English gentleman's library. Everything was +alive about them, flash ing, splashing, and passing, ships +moving, tugs panting, hawsers taut, barges going down with men +toiling at the sweeps, the water all a-swirl with the wash of +shipping, scaling into millions of little wavelets, curling and +frothing under the whip of the unceasing wind. Past it all we +drove. And at Greenwich to the south, you know, there stands a +fine stone frontage where all the victories are recorded in a +Painted Hall, and beside it is the "Ship" where once upon a time +those gentlemen of Westminster used to have an annual +dinner--before the port of London got too much for them +altogether. The old facade of the Hospital was just warming to +the sunset as we went by, and after that, right and left, the +river opened, the sense of the sea increased and prevailed, reach +after reach from Northfleet to the Nore. + +And out you come at last with the sun behind you into the eastern +sea. You speed up and tear the oily water louder and faster, +siroo, siroo-swish-siroo, and the hills of Kent--over which I +once fled from the Christian teachings of Nicodemus Frapp--fall +away on the right hand and Essex on the left. They fall away and +vanish into blue haze, and the tall slow ships behind the tugs, +scarce moving ships and wallowing sturdy tugs, are all wrought of +wet gold as one goes frothing by. They stand out, bound on +strange missions of life and death, to the killing of men in +unfamiliar lands. And now behind us is blue mystery and the +phantom flash of unseen lights, and presently even these are +gone, and I and my destroyer tear out to the unknown across a +great grey space. We tear into the great spaces of the future +and the turbines fall to talking in unfamiliar tongues. Out to +the open we go, to windy freedom and trackless ways. Light after +light goes down. England and the Kingdom, Britain and the +Empire, the old prides and the old devotions, glide abeam, +astern, sink down upon the horizon, pass--pass. The river +passes--London passes, England passes... + +III + +This is the note I have tried to emphasise, the note that sounds +clear in my mind when I think of anything beyond the purely +personal aspects of my story. + +It is a note of crumbling and confusion, of change and seemingly +aimless swelling, of a bubbling up and medley of futile loves and +sorrows. But through the confusion sounds another note. Through +the confusion something drives, something that is at once human +achievement and the most inhuman of all existing things. +Something comes out of it.... How can I express the values of a +thing at once so essential and so immaterial. It is something +that calls upon such men as I with an irresistible appeal. + +I have figured it in my last section by the symbol of my +destroyer, stark and swift, irrelevant to most human interests. +Sometimes I call this reality Science, sometimes I call it +Truth. But it is something we draw by pain and effort ont of the +heart of life, that we disentangle and make clear. Other men +serve it, I know, in art, in literature, in social invention, and +see it in a thousand different figures, under a hundred names. I +see it always as austerity, as beauty. This thing we make clear +is the heart of life. It is the one enduring thing. Men and +nations, epochs and civilisation pass each making its +contribution I do not know what it is, this something, except +that it is supreme. It is, a something, a quality, an element, +one may find now in colours, now in norms, now in sounds, now in +thoughts. It emerges from life with each year one lives and +feels, and generation by generation and age by age, but the how +and why of it are all beyond the compass of my mind.... + +Yet the full sense of it was with me all that night as I drove, +lonely above the rush and murmur of my engines, out upon the +weltering circle of the sea. + +Far out to the northeast there came the flicker of a squadron of +warships waving white swords of light about the sky. I kept them +hull-down, and presently they were mere summer lightning over +the watery edge of the globe.... I fell into thought that was +nearly formless, into doubts and dreams that have no words, and +it seemed good to me to drive ahead and on and or through the +windy starlight, over the long black waves. + +IV + +It was morning and day before I returned with the four sick and +starving journalists who had got permission to come with me, up +the shining river, and past the old grey Tower.... + +I recall the back views of those journalists very distinctly, +going with a certain damp weariness of movement, along a side +street away from the river. They were good men and bore me no +malice, and they served me up to the public in turgid degenerate +Kiplingese, as a modest button on the complacent stomach of the +Empire. Though as a matter of fact, X2 isn't intended for the +empire, or indeed for the hands of any European power. We +offered it to our own people first, but they would have nothing +to do with me, and I have long since ceased to trouble much about +such questions. I have come to see myself from the outside, my +country from the outside--without illusions. We make and pass. + +We are all things that make and pass striving upon a hidden +mission, out to the open sea. + + + + + +End of The Project Gutenberg Etext of Tono Bungay, by H. G. Wells |