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diff --git a/old/8swnn10.txt b/old/8swnn10.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..000ef37 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/8swnn10.txt @@ -0,0 +1,17033 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Swann's Way, by Marcel Proust +#5 in our series by Marcel Proust + +Copyright laws are changing all over the world. Be sure to check the +copyright laws for your country before downloading or redistributing +this or any other Project Gutenberg eBook. + +This header should be the first thing seen when viewing this Project +Gutenberg file. Please do not remove it. Do not change or edit the +header without written permission. + +Please read the "legal small print," and other information about the +eBook and Project Gutenberg at the bottom of this file. Included is +important information about your specific rights and restrictions in +how the file may be used. You can also find out about how to make a +donation to Project Gutenberg, and how to get involved. + + +**Welcome To The World of Free Plain Vanilla Electronic Texts** + +**eBooks Readable By Both Humans and By Computers, Since 1971** + +*****These eBooks Were Prepared By Thousands of Volunteers!***** + + +Title: Swann's Way + (vol. 1 of Remembrance of Things Past) + +Author: Marcel Proust + +Release Date: December, 2004 [EBook #7178] +[Yes, we are more than one year ahead of schedule] +[This file was first posted on March 22, 2003] +[Date last updated: April 21, 2003] + +Edition: 10 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK SWANN'S WAY *** + + + + +This eBook was produced by Eric Eldred + + + + + +SWANN'S WAY + +by + +MARCEL PROUST + +[Vol. 1 of REMEMBRANCE OF THINGS PAST] + +Translated from the French by +C. K. SCOTT MONCRIEFF + +NEW YORK +HENRY HOLT AND COMPANY +1922 + +CONTENTS + +OVERTURE +COMBRAY +SWANN IN LOVE +PLACE-NAMES: THE NAME + + + + +OVERTURE + + +For a long time I used to go to bed early. Sometimes, when I had put out +my candle, my eyes would close so quickly that I had not even time to say +"I'm going to sleep." And half an hour later the thought that it was time +to go to sleep would awaken me; I would try to put away the book which, I +imagined, was still in my hands, and to blow out the light; I had been +thinking all the time, while I was asleep, of what I had just been +reading, but my thoughts had run into a channel of their own, until I +myself seemed actually to have become the subject of my book: a church, a +quartet, the rivalry between François I and Charles V. This impression +would persist for some moments after I was awake; it did not disturb my +mind, but it lay like scales upon my eyes and prevented them from +registering the fact that the candle was no longer burning. Then it would +begin to seem unintelligible, as the thoughts of a former existence must +be to a reincarnate spirit; the subject of my book would separate itself +from me, leaving me free to choose whether I would form part of it or no; +and at the same time my sight would return and I would be astonished to +find myself in a state of darkness, pleasant and restful enough for the +eyes, and even more, perhaps, for my mind, to which it appeared +incomprehensible, without a cause, a matter dark indeed. + +I would ask myself what o'clock it could be; I could hear the whistling of +trains, which, now nearer and now farther off, punctuating the distance +like the note of a bird in a forest, shewed me in perspective the deserted +countryside through which a traveller would be hurrying towards the +nearest station: the path that he followed being fixed for ever in his +memory by the general excitement due to being in a strange place, to doing +unusual things, to the last words of conversation, to farewells exchanged +beneath an unfamiliar lamp which echoed still in his ears amid the silence +of the night; and to the delightful prospect of being once again at home. + +I would lay my cheeks gently against the comfortable cheeks of my pillow, +as plump and blooming as the cheeks of babyhood. Or I would strike a match +to look at my watch. Nearly midnight. The hour when an invalid, who has +been obliged to start on a journey and to sleep in a strange hotel, +awakens in a moment of illness and sees with glad relief a streak of +daylight shewing under his bedroom door. Oh, joy of joys! it is morning. +The servants will be about in a minute: he can ring, and some one will +come to look after him. The thought of being made comfortable gives him +strength to endure his pain. He is certain he heard footsteps: they come +nearer, and then die away. The ray of light beneath his door is +extinguished. It is midnight; some one has turned out the gas; the last +servant has gone to bed, and he must lie all night in agony with no one to +bring him any help. + +I would fall asleep, and often I would be awake again for short snatches +only, just long enough to hear the regular creaking of the wainscot, or to +open my eyes to settle the shifting kaleidoscope of the darkness, to +savour, in an instantaneous flash of perception, the sleep which lay heavy +upon the furniture, the room, the whole surroundings of which I formed but +an insignificant part and whose unconsciousness I should very soon return +to share. Or, perhaps, while I was asleep I had returned without the least +effort to an earlier stage in my life, now for ever outgrown; and had come +under the thrall of one of my childish terrors, such as that old terror of +my great-uncle's pulling my curls, which was effectually dispelled on the +day--the dawn of a new era to me--on which they were finally cropped from +my head. I had forgotten that event during my sleep; I remembered it again +immediately I had succeeded in making myself wake up to escape my +great-uncle's fingers; still, as a measure of precaution, I would bury the +whole of my head in the pillow before returning to the world of dreams. + +Sometimes, too, just as Eve was created from a rib of Adam, so a woman +would come into existence while I was sleeping, conceived from some strain +in the position of my limbs. Formed by the appetite that I was on the +point of gratifying, she it was, I imagined, who offered me that +gratification. My body, conscious that its own warmth was permeating hers, +would strive to become one with her, and I would awake. The rest of +humanity seemed very remote in comparison with this woman whose company I +had left but a moment ago: my cheek was still warm with her kiss, my body +bent beneath the weight of hers. If, as would sometimes happen, she had +the appearance of some woman whom I had known in waking hours, I would +abandon myself altogether to the sole quest of her, like people who set +out on a journey to see with their own eyes some city that they have +always longed to visit, and imagine that they can taste in reality what +has charmed their fancy. And then, gradually, the memory of her would +dissolve and vanish, until I had forgotten the maiden of my dream. + +When a man is asleep, he has in a circle round him the chain of the hours, +the sequence of the years, the order of the heavenly host. Instinctively, +when he awakes, he looks to these, and in an instant reads off his own +position on the earth's surface and the amount of time that has elapsed +during his slumbers; but this ordered procession is apt to grow confused, +and to break its ranks. Suppose that, towards morning, after a night of +insomnia, sleep descends upon him while he is reading, in quite a +different position from that in which he normally goes to sleep, he has +only to lift his arm to arrest the sun and turn it back in its course, +and, at the moment of waking, he will have no idea of the time, but will +conclude that he has just gone to bed. Or suppose that he gets drowsy in +some even more abnormal position; sitting in an armchair, say, after +dinner: then the world will fall topsy-turvy from its orbit, the magic +chair will carry him at full speed through time and space, and when he +opens his eyes again he will imagine that he went to sleep months earlier +and in some far distant country. But for me it was enough if, in my own +bed, my sleep was so heavy as completely to relax my consciousness; for +then I lost all sense of the place in which I had gone to sleep, and when +I awoke at midnight, not knowing where I was, I could not be sure at first +who I was; I had only the most rudimentary sense of existence, such as may +lurk and flicker in the depths of an animal's consciousness; I was more +destitute of human qualities than the cave-dweller; but then the memory, +not yet of the place in which I was, but of various other places where I +had lived, and might now very possibly be, would come like a rope let down +from heaven to draw me up out of the abyss of not-being, from which I +could never have escaped by myself: in a flash I would traverse and +surmount centuries of civilisation, and out of a half-visualised +succession of oil-lamps, followed by shirts with turned-down collars, +would put together by degrees the component parts of my ego. + +Perhaps the immobility of the things that surround us is forced upon them +by our conviction that they are themselves, and not anything else, and by +the immobility of our conceptions of them. For it always happened that +when I awoke like this, and my mind struggled in an unsuccessful attempt +to discover where I was, everything would be moving round me through the +darkness: things, places, years. My body, still too heavy with sleep to +move, would make an effort to construe the form which its tiredness took +as an orientation of its various members, so as to induce from that where +the wall lay and the furniture stood, to piece together and to give a name +to the house in which it must be living. Its memory, the composite memory +of its ribs, knees, and shoulder-blades offered it a whole series of rooms +in which it had at one time or another slept; while the unseen walls kept +changing, adapting themselves to the shape of each successive room that it +remembered, whirling madly through the darkness. And even before my brain, +lingering in consideration of when things had happened and of what they +had looked like, had collected sufficient impressions to enable it to +identify the room, it, my body, would recall from each room in succession +what the bed was like, where the doors were, how daylight came in at the +windows, whether there was a passage outside, what I had had in my mind +when I went to sleep, and had found there when I awoke. The stiffened side +underneath my body would, for instance, in trying to fix its position, +imagine itself to be lying, face to the wall, in a big bed with a canopy; +and at once I would say to myself, "Why, I must have gone to sleep after +all, and Mamma never came to say good night!" for I was in the country +with my grandfather, who died years ago; and my body, the side upon which +I was lying, loyally preserving from the past an impression which my mind +should never have forgotten, brought back before my eyes the glimmering +flame of the night-light in its bowl of Bohemian glass, shaped like an urn +and hung by chains from the ceiling, and the chimney-piece of Siena marble +in my bedroom at Combray, in my great-aunt's house, in those far distant +days which, at the moment of waking, seemed present without being clearly +denned, but would become plainer in a little while when I was properly +awake. + +Then would come up the memory of a fresh position; the wall slid away in +another direction; I was in my room in Mme. de Saint-Loup's house in the +country; good heavens, it must be ten o'clock, they will have finished +dinner! I must have overslept myself, in the little nap which I always +take when I come in from my walk with Mme. de Saint-Loup, before dressing +for the evening. For many years have now elapsed since the Combray days, +when, coming in from the longest and latest walks, I would still be in +time to see the reflection of the sunset glowing in the panes of my +bedroom window. It is a very different kind of existence at Tansonville +now with Mme. de Saint-Loup, and a different kind of pleasure that I now +derive from taking walks only in the evenings, from visiting by moonlight +the roads on which I used to play, as a child, in the sunshine; while the +bedroom, in which I shall presently fall asleep instead of dressing for +dinner, from afar off I can see it, as we return from our walk, with its +lamp shining through the window, a solitary beacon in the night. + +These shifting and confused gusts of memory never lasted for more than a +few seconds; it often happened that, in my spell of uncertainty as to +where I was, I did not distinguish the successive theories of which that +uncertainty was composed any more than, when we watch a horse running, we +isolate the successive positions of its body as they appear upon a +bioscope. But I had seen first one and then another of the rooms in which +I had slept during my life, and in the end I would revisit them all in the +long course of my waking dream: rooms in winter, where on going to bed I +would at once bury my head in a nest, built up out of the most diverse +materials, the corner of my pillow, the top of my blankets, a piece of a +shawl, the edge of my bed, and a copy of an evening paper, all of which +things I would contrive, with the infinite patience of birds building +their nests, to cement into one whole; rooms where, in a keen frost, I +would feel the satisfaction of being shut in from the outer world (like +the sea-swallow which builds at the end of a dark tunnel and is kept warm +by the surrounding earth), and where, the fire keeping in all night, I +would sleep wrapped up, as it were, in a great cloak of snug and savoury +air, shot with the glow of the logs which would break out again in flame: +in a sort of alcove without walls, a cave of warmth dug out of the heart +of the room itself, a zone of heat whose boundaries were constantly +shifting and altering in temperature as gusts of air ran across them to +strike freshly upon my face, from the corners of the room, or from parts +near the window or far from the fireplace which had therefore remained +cold--or rooms in summer, where I would delight to feel myself a part of +the warm evening, where the moonlight striking upon the half-opened +shutters would throw down to the foot of my bed its enchanted ladder; +where I would fall asleep, as it might be in the open air, like a titmouse +which the breeze keeps poised in the focus of a sunbeam--or sometimes the +Louis XVI room, so cheerful that I could never feel really unhappy, even +on my first night in it: that room where the slender columns which lightly +supported its ceiling would part, ever so gracefully, to indicate where +the bed was and to keep it separate; sometimes again that little room with +the high ceiling, hollowed in the form of a pyramid out of two separate +storeys, and partly walled with mahogany, in which from the first moment +my mind was drugged by the unfamiliar scent of flowering grasses, +convinced of the hostility of the violet curtains and of the insolent +indifference of a clock that chattered on at the top of its voice as +though I were not there; while a strange and pitiless mirror with square +feet, which stood across one corner of the room, cleared for itself a site +I had not looked to find tenanted in the quiet surroundings of my normal +field of vision: that room in which my mind, forcing itself for hours on +end to leave its moorings, to elongate itself upwards so as to take on the +exact shape of the room, and to reach to the summit of that monstrous +funnel, had passed so many anxious nights while my body lay stretched out +in bed, my eyes staring upwards, my ears straining, my nostrils sniffing +uneasily, and my heart beating; until custom had changed the colour of the +curtains, made the clock keep quiet, brought an expression of pity to the +cruel, slanting face of the glass, disguised or even completely dispelled +the scent of flowering grasses, and distinctly reduced the apparent +loftiness of the ceiling. Custom! that skilful but unhurrying manager who +begins by torturing the mind for weeks on end with her provisional +arrangements; whom the mind, for all that, is fortunate in discovering, +for without the help of custom it would never contrive, by its own +efforts, to make any room seem habitable. + +Certainly I was now well awake; my body had turned about for the last time +and the good angel of certainty had made all the surrounding objects stand +still, had set me down under my bedclothes, in my bedroom, and had fixed, +approximately in their right places in the uncertain light, my chest of +drawers, my writing-table, my fireplace, the window overlooking the +street, and both the doors. But it was no good my knowing that I was not +in any of those houses of which, in the stupid moment of waking, if I had +not caught sight exactly, I could still believe in their possible +presence; for memory was now set in motion; as a rule I did not attempt to +go to sleep again at once, but used to spend the greater part of the night +recalling our life in the old days at Combray with my great-aunt, at +Balbec, Paris, Doncières, Venice, and the rest; remembering again all the +places and people that I had known, what I had actually seen of them, and +what others had told me. + +At Combray, as every afternoon ended, long before the time when I should +have to go up to bed, and to lie there, unsleeping, far from my mother and +grandmother, my bedroom became the fixed point on which my melancholy and +anxious thoughts were centred. Some one had had the happy idea of giving +me, to distract me on evenings when I seemed abnormally wretched, a magic +lantern, which used to be set on top of my lamp while we waited for +dinner-time to come: in the manner of the master-builders and +glass-painters of gothic days it substituted for the opaqueness of my +walls an impalpable iridescence, supernatural phenomena of many colours, +in which legends were depicted, as on a shifting and transitory window. +But my sorrows were only increased, because this change of lighting +destroyed, as nothing else could have done, the customary impression I had +formed of my room, thanks to which the room itself, but for the torture of +having to go to bed in it, had become quite endurable. For now I no longer +recognised it, and I became uneasy, as though I were in a room in some +hotel or furnished lodging, in a place where I had just arrived, by train, +for the first time. + +Riding at a jerky trot, Golo, his mind filled with an infamous design, +issued from the little three-cornered forest which dyed dark-green the +slope of a convenient hill, and advanced by leaps and bounds towards the +castle of poor Geneviève de Brabant. This castle was cut off short by a +curved line which was in fact the circumference of one of the transparent +ovals in the slides which were pushed into position through a slot in the +lantern. It was only the wing of a castle, and in front of it stretched a +moor on which Geneviève stood, lost in contemplation, wearing a blue +girdle. The castle and the moor were yellow, but I could tell their colour +without waiting to see them, for before the slides made their appearance +the old-gold sonorous name of Brabant had given me an unmistakable clue. +Golo stopped for a moment and listened sadly to the little speech read +aloud by my great-aunt, which he seemed perfectly to understand, for he +modified his attitude with a docility not devoid of a degree of majesty, +so as to conform to the indications given in the text; then he rode away +at the same jerky trot. And nothing could arrest his slow progress. If the +lantern were moved I could still distinguish Golo's horse advancing across +the window-curtains, swelling out with their curves and diving into their +folds. The body of Golo himself, being of the same supernatural substance +as his steed's, overcame all material obstacles--everything that seemed to +bar his way--by taking each as it might be a skeleton and embodying it in +himself: the door-handle, for instance, over which, adapting itself at +once, would float invincibly his red cloak or his pale face, never losing +its nobility or its melancholy, never shewing any sign of trouble at such +a transubstantiation. + +And, indeed, I found plenty of charm in these bright projections, which +seemed to have come straight out of a Merovingian past, and to shed around +me the reflections of such ancient history. But I cannot express the +discomfort I felt at such an intrusion of mystery and beauty into a room +which I had succeeded in filling with my own personality until I thought +no more of the room than of myself. The anaesthetic effect of custom being +destroyed, I would begin to think and to feel very melancholy things. The +door-handle of my room, which was different to me from all the other +doorhandles in the world, inasmuch as it seemed to open of its own accord +and without my having to turn it, so unconscious had its manipulation +become; lo and behold, it was now an astral body for Golo. And as soon as +the dinner-bell rang I would run down to the dining-room, where the big +hanging lamp, ignorant of Golo and Bluebeard but well acquainted with my +family and the dish of stewed beef, shed the same light as on every other +evening; and I would fall into the arms of my mother, whom the misfortunes +of Geneviève de Brabant had made all the dearer to me, just as the crimes +of Golo had driven me to a more than ordinarily scrupulous examination of +my own conscience. + +But after dinner, alas, I was soon obliged to leave Mamma, who stayed +talking with the others, in the garden if it was fine, or in the little +parlour where everyone took shelter when it was wet. Everyone except my +grandmother, who held that "It is a pity to shut oneself indoors in the +country," and used to carry on endless discussions with my father on the +very wettest days, because he would send me up to my room with a book +instead of letting me stay out of doors. "That is not the way to make him +strong and active," she would say sadly, "especially this little man, who +needs all the strength and character that he can get." My father would +shrug his shoulders and study the barometer, for he took an interest in +meteorology, while my mother, keeping very quiet so as not to disturb him, +looked at him with tender respect, but not too hard, not wishing to +penetrate the mysteries of his superior mind. But my grandmother, in all +weathers, even when the rain was coming down in torrents and Françoise had +rushed indoors with the precious wicker armchairs, so that they should not +get soaked--you would see my grandmother pacing the deserted garden, +lashed by the storm, pushing back her grey hair in disorder so that her +brows might be more free to imbibe the life-giving draughts of wind and +rain. She would say, "At last one can breathe!" and would run up and down +the soaking paths--too straight and symmetrical for her liking, owing to +the want of any feeling for nature in the new gardener, whom my father had +been asking all morning if the weather were going to improve--with her +keen, jerky little step regulated by the various effects wrought upon her +soul by the intoxication of the storm, the force of hygiene, the stupidity +of my education and of symmetry in gardens, rather than by any anxiety +(for that was quite unknown to her) to save her plum-coloured skirt from +the spots of mud under which it would gradually disappear to a depth which +always provided her maid with a fresh problem and filled her with fresh +despair. + +When these walks of my grandmother's took place after dinner there was one +thing which never failed to bring her back to the house: that was if (at +one of those points when the revolutions of her course brought her, +moth-like, in sight of the lamp in the little parlour where the liqueurs +were set out on the card-table) my great-aunt called out to her: +"Bathilde! Come in and stop your husband from drinking brandy!" For, +simply to tease her (she had brought so foreign a type of mind into my +father's family that everyone made a joke of it), my great-aunt used to +make my grandfather, who was forbidden liqueurs, take just a few drops. My +poor grandmother would come in and beg and implore her husband not to +taste the brandy; and he would become annoyed and swallow his few drops +all the same, and she would go out again sad and discouraged, but still +smiling, for she was so humble and so sweet that her gentleness towards +others, and her continual subordination of herself and of her own +troubles, appeared on her face blended in a smile which, unlike those seen +on the majority of human faces, had no trace in it of irony, save for +herself, while for all of us kisses seemed to spring from her eyes, which +could not look upon those she loved without yearning to bestow upon them +passionate caresses. The torments inflicted on her by my great-aunt, the +sight of my grandmother's vain entreaties, of her in her weakness +conquered before she began, but still making the futile endeavour to wean +my grandfather from his liqueur-glass--all these were things of the sort +to which, in later years, one can grow so well accustomed as to smile at +them, to take the tormentor's side with a. happy determination which +deludes one into the belief that it is not, really, tormenting; but in +those days they filled me with such horror that I longed to strike my +great-aunt. And yet, as soon as I heard her "Bathilde! Come in and stop +your husband from drinking brandy!" in my cowardice I became at once a +man, and did what all we grown men do when face to face with suffering and +injustice; I preferred not to see them; I ran up to the top of the house +to cry by myself in a little room beside the schoolroom and beneath the +roof, which smelt of orris-root, and was scented also by a wild +currant-bush which had climbed up between the stones of the outer wall and +thrust a flowering branch in through the half-opened window. Intended for +a more special and a baser use, this room, from which, in the daytime, I +could see as far as the keep of Roussainville-le-Pin, was for a long time +my place of refuge, doubtless because it was the only room whose door Ï +was allowed to lock, whenever my occupation was such as required an +inviolable solitude; reading or dreaming, secret tears or paroxysms of +desire. Alas! I little knew that my own lack of will-power, my delicate +health, and the consequent uncertainty as to my future weighed far more +heavily on my grandmother's mind than any little breach of the rules by +her husband, during those endless perambulations, afternoon and evening, +in which we used to see passing up and down, obliquely raised towards the +heavens, her handsome face with its brown and wrinkled cheeks, which with +age had acquired almost the purple hue of tilled fields in autumn, +covered, if she were walking abroad, by a half-lifted veil, while upon +them either the cold or some sad reflection invariably left the drying +traces of an involuntary tear. + +My sole consolation when I went upstairs for the night was that Mamma +would come in and kiss me after I was in bed. But this good night lasted +for so short a time: she went down again so soon that the moment in which +I heard her climb the stairs, and then caught the sound of her garden +dress of blue muslin, from which hung little tassels of plaited straw, +rustling along the double-doored corridor, was for me a moment of the +keenest sorrow. So much did I love that good night that I reached the +stage of hoping that it would come as late as possible, so as to prolong +the time of respite during which Mamma would not yet have appeared. +Sometimes when, after kissing me, she opened the door to go, I longed to +call her back, to say to her "Kiss me just once again," but I knew that +then she would at once look displeased, for the concession which she made +to my wretchedness and agitation in coming up to me with this kiss of +peace always annoyed my father, who thought such ceremonies absurd, and +she would have liked to try to induce me to outgrow the need, the custom +of having her there at all, which was a very different thing from letting +the custom grow up of my asking her for an additional kiss when she was +already crossing the threshold. And to see her look displeased destroyed +all the sense of tranquillity she had brought me a moment before, when she +bent her loving face down over my bed, and held it out to me like a Host, +for an act of Communion in which my lips might drink deeply the sense of +her real presence, and with it the power to sleep. But those evenings on +which Mamma stayed so short a time in my room were sweet indeed compared +to those on which we had guests to dinner, and therefore she did not come +at all. Our 'guests' were practically limited to M. Swann, who, apart from +a few passing strangers, was almost the only person who ever came to the +house at Combray, sometimes to a neighbourly dinner (but less frequently +since his unfortunate marriage, as my family did not care to receive his +wife) and sometimes after dinner, uninvited. On those evenings when, as we +sat in front of the house beneath the big chestnut-tree and round the iron +table, we heard, from the far end of the garden, not the large and noisy +rattle which heralded and deafened as he approached with its ferruginous, +interminable, frozen sound any member of the household who had put it out +of action by coming in 'without ringing,' but the double peal--timid, +oval, gilded--of the visitors' bell, everyone would at once exclaim "A +visitor! Who in the world can it be?" but they knew quite well that it +could only be M. Swann. My great-aunt, speaking in a loud voice, to set an +example, in a tone which she endeavoured to make sound natural, would tell +the others not to whisper so; that nothing could be more unpleasant for a +stranger coming in, who would be led to think that people were saying +things about him which he was not meant to hear; and then my grandmother +would be sent out as a scout, always happy to find an excuse for an +additional turn in the garden, which she would utilise to remove +surreptitiously, as she passed, the stakes of a rose-tree or two, so as to +make the roses look a little more natural, as a mother might run her hand +through her boy's hair, after the barber had smoothed it down, to make it +stick out properly round his head. + +And there we would all stay, hanging on the words which would fall from my +grandmother's lips when she brought us back her report of the enemy, as +though there had been some uncertainty among a vast number of possible +invaders, and then, soon after, my grandfather would say: "I can hear +Swann's voice." And, indeed, one could tell him only by his voice, for it +was difficult to make out his face with its arched nose and green eyes, +under a high forehead fringed with fair, almost red hair, dressed in the +Bressant style, because in the garden we used as little light as possible, +so as not to attract mosquitoes: and I would slip away as though not going +for anything in particular, to tell them to bring out the syrups; for my +grandmother made a great point, thinking it 'nicer/ of their not being +allowed to seem anything out of the ordinary, which we kept for visitors +only. Although a far younger man, M. Swann was very much attached to my +grandfather, who had been an intimate friend, in his time, of Swann's +father, an excellent but an eccentric man in whom the least little thing +would, it seemed, often check the flow of his spirits and divert the +current of his thoughts. Several times in the course of a year I would +hear my grandfather tell at table the story, which never varied, of the +behaviour of M. Swann the elder upon the death of his wife, by whose +bedside he had watched day and night. My grandfather, who had not seen him +for a long time, hastened to join him at the Swanns' family property on +the outskirts of Combray, and managed to entice him for a moment, weeping +profusely, out of the death-chamber, so that he should not be present when +the body was laid in its coffin. They took a turn or two in the park, +where there was a little sunshine. Suddenly M. Swann seized my grandfather +by the arm and cried, "Oh, my dear old friend, how fortunate we are to be +walking here together on such a charming day! Don't you see how pretty +they are, all these trees--my hawthorns, and my new pond, on which you +have never congratulated me? You look as glum as a night-cap. Don't you +feel this little breeze? Ah! whatever you may say, it's good to be alive +all the same, my dear Amédée!" And then, abruptly, the memory of his dead +wife returned to him, and probably thinking it too complicated to inquire +into how, at such a time, he could have allowed himself to be carried away +by an impulse of happiness, he confined himself to a gesture which he +habitually employed whenever any perplexing question came into his mind: +that is, he passed his hand across his forehead, dried his eyes, and wiped +his glasses. And he could never be consoled for the loss of his wife, but +used to say to my grandfather, during the two years for which he survived +her, "It's a funny thing, now; I very often think of my poor wife, but I +cannot think of her very much at any one time." "Often, but a little at a +time, like poor old Swann," became one of my grandfather's favourite +phrases, which he would apply to all kinds of things. And I should have +assumed that this father of Swann's had been a monster if my grandfather, +whom I regarded as a better judge than myself, and whose word was my law +and often led me in the long run to pardon offences which I should have +been inclined to condemn, had not gone on to exclaim, "But, after all, he +had a heart of gold." + +For many years, albeit--and especially before his marriage--M. Swann the +younger came often to see them at Combray, my great-aunt and grandparents +never suspected that he had entirely ceased to live in the kind of society +which his family had frequented, or that, under the sort of incognito +which the name of Swann gave him among us, they were harbouring--with the +complete innocence of a family of honest innkeepers who have in their +midst some distinguished highwayman and never know it--one of the smartest +members of the Jockey Club, a particular friend of the Comte de Paris and +of the Prince of Wales, and one of the men most sought after in the +aristocratic world of the Faubourg Saint-Germain. + +Our utter ignorance of the brilliant part which Swann was playing in the +world of fashion was, of course, due in part to his own reserve and +discretion, but also to the fact that middle-class people in those days +took what was almost a Hindu view of society, which they held to consist +of sharply defined castes, so that everyone at his birth found himself +called to that station in life which his parents already occupied, and +nothing, except the chance of a brilliant career or of a 'good' marriage, +could extract you from that station or admit you to a superior caste. M. +Swann, the father, had been a stockbroker; and so 'young Swann' found +himself immured for life in a caste where one's fortune, as in a list of +taxpayers, varied between such and such limits of income. We knew the +people with whom his father had associated, and so we knew his own +associates, the people with whom he was 'in a position to mix.' If he knew +other people besides, those were youthful acquaintances on whom the old +friends of the family, like my relatives, shut their eyes all the more +good-naturedly that Swann himself, after he was left an orphan, still came +most faithfully to see us; but we would have been ready to wager that the +people outside our acquaintance whom Swann knew were of the sort to whom +he would not have dared to raise his hat, had he met them while he was +walking with ourselves. Had there been such a thing as a determination to +apply to Swann a social coefficient peculiar to himself, as distinct from +all the other sons of other stockbrokers in his father's position, his +coefficient would have been rather lower than theirs, because, leading a +very simple life, and having always had a craze for 'antiques' and +pictures, he now lived and piled up his collections in an old house which +my grandmother longed to visit, but which stood on the Quai d'Orléans, a +neighbourhood in which my great-aunt thought it most degrading to be +quartered. "Are you really a connoisseur, now?" she would say to him; "I +ask for your own sake, as you are likely to have 'fakes' palmed off on you +by the dealers," for she did not, in fact, endow him with any critical +faculty, and had no great opinion of the intelligence of a man who, in +conversation, would avoid serious topics and shewed a very dull +preciseness, not only when he gave us kitchen recipes, going into the most +minute details, but even when my grandmother's sisters were talking to him +about art. When challenged by them to give an opinion, or to express his +admiration for some picture, he would remain almost impolitely silent, and +would then make amends by furnishing (if he could) some fact or other +about the gallery in which the picture was hung, or the date at which it +had been painted. But as a rule he would content himself with trying to +amuse us by telling us the story of his latest adventure--and he would +have a fresh story for us on every occasion--with some one whom we +ourselves knew, such as the Combray chemist, or our cook, or our coachman. +These stories certainly used to make my great-aunt laugh, but she could +never tell whether that was on account of the absurd parts which Swann +invariably made himself play in the adventures, or of the wit that he +shewed in telling us of them. "It is easy to see that you are a regular +'character,' M. Swann!" + +As she was the only member of our family who could be described as a +trifle 'common,' she would always take care to remark to strangers, when +Swann was mentioned, that he could easily, if he had wished to, have lived +in the Boulevard Haussmann or the Avenue de l'Opéra, and that he was the +son of old M. Swann who must have left four or five million francs, but +that it was a fad of his. A fad which, moreover, she thought was bound to +amuse other people so much that in Paris, when M. Swann called on New +Year's Day bringing her a little packet of _marrons glacés_, she never +failed, if there were strangers in the room, to say to him: "Well, M. +Swann, and do you still live next door to the Bonded Vaults, so as to be +sure of not missing your train when you go to Lyons?" and she would peep +out of the corner of her eye, over her glasses, at the other visitors. + +But if anyone had suggested to my aunt that this Swann, who, in his +capacity as the son of old M. Swann, was 'fully qualified' to be received +by any of the 'upper middle class,' the most respected barristers and +solicitors of Paris (though he was perhaps a trifle inclined to let this +hereditary privilege go into abeyance), had another almost secret +existence of a wholly different kind: that when he left our house in +Paris, saying that he must go home to bed, he would no sooner have turned +the corner than he would stop, retrace his steps, and be off to some +drawing-room on whose like no stockbroker or associate of stockbrokers had +ever set eyes--that would have seemed to my aunt as extraordinary as, to a +woman of wider reading, the thought of being herself on terms of intimacy +with Aristaeus, of knowing that he would, when he had finished his +conversation with her, plunge deep into the realms of Thetis, into an +empire veiled from mortal eyes, in which Virgil depicts him as being +received with open arms; or--to be content with an image more likely to +have occurred to her, for she had seen it painted on the plates we used +for biscuits at Combray--as the thought of having had to dinner Ali Baba, +who, as soon as he found himself alone and unobserved, would make his way +into the cave, resplendent with its unsuspected treasures. + +One day when he had come to see us after dinner in Paris, and had begged +pardon for being in evening clothes, Françoise, when he had gone, told us +that she had got it from his coachman that he had been dining "with a +princess." "A pretty sort of princess," drawled my aunt; "I know them," +and she shrugged her shoulders without raising her eyes from her knitting, +serenely ironical. + +Altogether, my aunt used to treat him with scant ceremony. Since she was +of the opinion that he ought to feel flattered by our invitations, she +thought it only right and proper that he should never come to see us in +summer without a basket of peaches or raspberries from his garden, and +that from each of his visits to Italy he should bring back some +photographs of old masters for me. + +It seemed quite natural, therefore, to send to him whenever we wanted a +recipe for some special sauce or for a pineapple salad for one of our big +dinner-parties, to which he himself would not be invited, not seeming of +sufficient importance to be served up to new friends who might be in our +house for the first time. If the conversation turned upon the Princes of +the House of France, "Gentlemen, you and I will never know, will we, and +don't want to, do we?" my great-aunt would say tartly to Swann, who had, +perhaps, a letter from Twickenham in his pocket; she would make him play +accompaniments and turn over music on evenings when my grandmother's +sister sang; manipulating this creature, so rare and refined at other +times and in other places, with the rough simplicity of a child who will +play with some curio from the cabinet no more carefully than if it were a +penny toy. Certainly the Swann who was a familiar figure in all the clubs +of those days differed hugely from, the Swann created in my great-aunt's +mind when, of an evening, in our little garden at Combray, after the two +shy peals had sounded from the gate, she would vitalise, by injecting into +it everything she had ever heard about the Swann family, the vague and +unrecognisable shape which began to appear, with my grandmother in its +wake, against a background of shadows, and could at last be identified by +the sound of its voice. But then, even in the most insignificant details +of our daily life, none of us can be said to constitute a material whole, +which is identical for everyone, and need only be turned up like a page in +an account-book or the record of a will; our social personality is created +by the thoughts of other people. Even the simple act which we describe as +"seeing some one we know" is, to some extent, an intellectual process. We +pack the physical outline of the creature we see with all the ideas we +have already formed about him, and in the complete picture of him which we +compose in our minds those ideas have certainly the principal place. In +the end they come to fill out so completely the curve of his cheeks, to +follow so exactly the line of his nose, they blend so harmoniously in the +sound of his voice that these seem to be no more than a transparent +envelope, so that each time we see the face or hear the voice it is our +own ideas of him which we recognise and to which we listen. And so, no +doubt, from the Swann they had built up for their own purposes my family +had left out, in their ignorance, a whole crowd of the details of his +daily life in the world of fashion, details by means of which other +people, when they met him, saw all the Graces enthroned in his face and +stopping at the line of his arched nose as at a natural frontier; but they +contrived also to put into a face from which its distinction had been +evicted, a face vacant and roomy as an untenanted house, to plant in the +depths of its unvalued eyes a lingering sense, uncertain but not +unpleasing, half-memory and half-oblivion, of idle hours spent together +after our weekly dinners, round the card-table or in the garden, during +our companionable country life. Our friend's bodily frame had been so well +lined with this sense, and with various earlier memories of his family, +that their own special Swann had become to my people a complete and living +creature; so that even now I have the feeling of leaving some one I know +for another quite different person when, going back in memory, I pass from +the Swann whom I knew later and more intimately to this early Swann--this +early Swann in whom I can distinguish the charming mistakes of my +childhood, and who, incidentally, is less like his successor than he is +like the other people I knew at that time, as though one's life were a +series of galleries in which all the portraits of any one period had a +marked family likeness, the same (so to speak) tonality--this early Swann +abounding in leisure, fragrant with the scent of the great chestnut-tree, +of baskets of raspberries and of a sprig of tarragon. + +And yet one day, when my grandmother had gone to ask some favour of a lady +whom she had known at the Sacré Coeur (and with whom, because of our caste +theory, she had not cared to keep up any degree of intimacy in spite of +several common interests), the Marquise de Villeparisis, of the famous +house of Bouillon, this lady had said to her: + +"I think you know M. Swann very well; he is a great friend of my nephews, +the des Laumes." + +My grandmother had returned from the call full of praise for the house, +which overlooked some gardens, and in which Mme. de Villeparisis had +advised her to rent a flat; and also for a repairing tailor and his +daughter, who kept a little shop in the courtyard, into which she had gone +to ask them to put a stitch in her skirt, which she had torn on the +staircase. My grandmother had found these people perfectly charming: the +girl, she said, was a jewel, and the tailor a most distinguished man, the +finest she had ever seen. For in her eyes distinction was a thing wholly +independent of social position. She was in ecstasies over some answer the +tailor had made, saying to Mamma: + +"Sévigné would not have said it better!" and, by way of contrast, of a +nephew of Mme. de Villeparisis whom she had met at the house: + +"My dear, he is so common!" + +Now, the effect of that remark about Swann had been, not to raise him in +my great-aunt's estimation, but to lower Mme. de Villeparisis. It appeared +that the deference which, on my grandmother's authority, we owed to Mme. +de Villeparisis imposed on her the reciprocal obligation to do nothing +that would render her less worthy of our regard, and that she had failed +in her duty in becoming aware of Swann's existence and in allowing members +of her family to associate with him. "How should she know Swann? A lady +who, you always made out, was related to Marshal MacMahon!" This view of +Swann's social atmosphere which prevailed in my family seemed to be +confirmed later on by his marriage with a woman of the worst class, you +might almost say a 'fast' woman, whom, to do him justice, he never +attempted to introduce to us, for he continued to come to us alone, though +he came more and more seldom; but from whom they thought they could +establish, on the assumption that he had found her there, the circle, +unknown to them, in which he ordinarily moved. + +But on one occasion my grandfather read in a newspaper that M. Swann was +one of the most faithful attendants at the Sunday luncheons given by the +Duc de X----, whose father and uncle had been among our most prominent +statesmen in the reign of Louis Philippe. Now my grandfather was curious +to learn all the little details which might help him to take a mental +share in the private lives of men like Mole, the Due Pasquier, or the Duc +de Broglie. He was delighted to find that Swann associated with people who +had known them. My great-aunt, however, interpreted this piece of news in +a sense discreditable to Swann; for anyone who chose his associates +outside the caste in which he had been born and bred, outside his 'proper +station,' was condemned to utter degradation in her eyes. It seemed to her +that such a one abdicated all claim to enjoy the fruits of those friendly +relations with people of good position which prudent parents cultivate and +store up for their children's benefit, for my great-aunt had actually +ceased to 'see' the son of a lawyer we had known because he had married a +'Highness' and had thereby stepped down--in her eyes--from the respectable +position of a lawyer's son to that of those adventurers, upstart footmen +or stable-boys mostly, to whom we read that queens have sometimes shewn +their favours. She objected, therefore, to my grandfather's plan of +questioning Swann, when next he came to dine with us, about these people +whose friendship with him we had discovered. On the other hand, my +grandmother's two sisters, elderly spinsters who shared her nobility of +character but lacked her intelligence, declared that they could not +conceive what pleasure their brother-in-law could find in talking about +such trifles. They were ladies of lofty ambition, who for that reason were +incapable of taking the least interest in what might be called the +'pinchbeck' things of life, even when they had an historic value, or, +generally speaking, in anything that was not directly associated with some +object aesthetically precious. So complete was their negation of interest +in anything which seemed directly or indirectly a part of our everyday +life that their sense of hearing--which had gradually come to understand +its own futility when the tone of the conversation, at the dinner-table, +became frivolous or merely mundane, without the two old ladies' being able +to guide it back to the topic dear to themselves--would leave its +receptive channels unemployed, so effectively that they were actually +becoming atrophied. So that if my grandfather wished to attract the +attention of the two sisters, he would have to make use of some such alarm +signals as mad-doctors adopt in dealing with their distracted patients; as +by beating several times on a glass with the blade of a knife, fixing them +at the same time with a sharp word and a compelling glance, violent +methods which the said doctors are apt to bring with them into their +everyday life among the sane, either from force of professional habit or +because they think the whole world a trifle mad. + +Their interest grew, however, when, the day before Swann was to dine with +us, and when he had made them a special present of a case of Asti, my +great-aunt, who had in her hand a copy of the _Figaro_ in which to the +name of a picture then on view in a Corot exhibition were added the words, +"from the collection of M. Charles Swann," asked: "Did you see that Swann +is 'mentioned' in the _Figaro_?" + +"But I have always told you," said my grandmother, "that he had plenty of +taste." + +"You would, of course," retorted my great-aunt, "say anything just to seem +different from _us_." For, knowing that my grandmother never agreed with +her, and not being quite confident that it was her own opinion which the +rest of us invariably endorsed, she wished to extort from us a wholesale +condemnation of my grandmother's views, against which she hoped to force +us into solidarity with her own. + +But we sat silent. My grandmother's sisters having expressed a desire to +mention to Swann this reference to him in the _Figaro_, my great-aunt +dissuaded them. Whenever she saw in others an advantage, however trivial, +which she herself lacked, she would persuade herself that it was no +advantage at all, but a drawback, and would pity so as not to have to envy +them. + +"I don't think that would please him at all; I know very well, I should +hate to see my name printed like that, as large as life, in the paper, and +I shouldn't feel at all flattered if anyone spoke to me about it." + +She did not, however, put any very great pressure upon my grandmother's +sisters, for they, in their horror of vulgarity, had brought to such a +fine art the concealment of a personal allusion in a wealth of ingenious +circumlocution, that it would often pass unnoticed even by the person to +whom it was addressed. As for my mother, her only thought was of managing +to induce my father to consent to speak to Swann, not of his wife, but of +his daughter, whom he worshipped, and for whose sake it was understood +that he had ultimately made his unfortunate marriage. + +"You need only say a word; just ask him how she is. It must be so very +hard for him." + +My father, however, was annoyed: "No, no; you have the most absurd ideas. +It would be utterly ridiculous." + +But the only one of us in whom the prospect of Swann's arrival gave rise +to an unhappy foreboding was myself. And that was because on the evenings +when there were visitors, or just M. Swann in the house, Mamma did not +come up to my room. I did not, at that time, have dinner with the family: +I came out to the garden after dinner, and at nine I said good night and +went to bed. But on these evenings I used to dine earlier than the others, +and to come in afterwards and sit at table until eight o'clock, when it +was understood that I must go upstairs; that frail and precious kiss which +Mamma used always to leave upon my lips when I was in bed and just going +to sleep I had to take with me from the dining-room to my own, and to keep +inviolate all the time that it took me to undress, without letting its +sweet charm be broken, without letting its volatile essence diffuse itself +and evaporate; and just on those very evenings when I must needs take most +pains to receive it with due formality, I had to snatch it, to seize it +instantly and in public, without even having the time or being properly +free to apply to what I was doing the punctiliousness which madmen use who +compel themselves to exclude all other thoughts from their minds while +they are shutting a door, so that when the sickness of uncertainty sweeps +over them again they can triumphantly face and overcome it with the +recollection of the precise moment in which the door was shut. + +We were all in the garden when the double peal of the gate-bell sounded +shyly. Everyone knew that it must be Swann, and yet they looked at one +another inquiringly and sent my grandmother scouting. + +"See that you thank him intelligibly for the wine," my grandfather warned +his two sisters-in-law; "you know how good it is, and it is a huge case." + +"Now, don't start whispering!" said my great-aunt. "How would you like to +come into a house and find everyone muttering to themselves?" + +"Ah! There's M. Swann," cried my father. "Let's ask him if he thinks it +will be fine to-morrow." + +My mother fancied that a word from her would wipe out all the +unpleasantness which my family had contrived to make Swann feel since his +marriage. She found an opportunity to draw him aside for a moment. But I +followed her: I could not bring myself to let her go out of reach of me +while I felt that in a few minutes I should have to leave her in the +dining-room and go up to my bed without the consoling thought, as on +ordinary evenings, that she would come up, later, to kiss me. + +"Now, M. Swann," she said, "do tell me about your daughter; I am sure she +shews a taste already for nice things, like her papa." + +"Come along and sit down here with us all on the verandah," said my +grandfather, coming up to him. My mother had to abandon the quest, but +managed to extract from the restriction itself a further refinement of +thought, as great poets do when the tyranny of rhyme forces them into the +discovery of their finest lines. + +"We can talk about her again when we are by ourselves," she said, or +rather whispered to Swann. "It is only a mother who can understand. I am +sure that hers would agree with me." + +And so we all sat down round the iron table. I should have liked not to +think of the hours of anguish which I should have to spend, that +evening, alone in my room, without the possibility of going to sleep: I +tried to convince myself that they were of no importance, really, since +I should have forgotten them next morning, and to fix my mind on +thoughts of the future which would carry me, as on a bridge, across the +terrifying abyss that yawned at my feet. But my mind, strained by this +foreboding, distended like the look which I shot at my mother, would not +allow any other impression to enter. Thoughts did, indeed, enter it, but +only on the condition that they left behind them every element of +beauty, or even of quaintness, by which I might have been distracted or +beguiled. As a surgical patient, by means of a local anaesthetic, can +look on with a clear consciousness while an operation is being performed +upon him and yet feel nothing, I could repeat to myself some favourite +lines, or watch my grandfather attempting to talk to Swann about the Duc +d'Audriffet-Pasquier, without being able to kindle any emotion from one +or amusement from the other. Hardly had my grandfather begun to question +Swann about that orator when one of my grandmother's sisters, in whose +ears the question echoed like a solemn but untimely silence which her +natural politeness bade her interrupt, addressed the other with: + +"Just fancy, Flora, I met a young Swedish governess to-day who told me +some most interesting things about the co-operative movement in +Scandinavia. We really must have her to dine here one evening." + +"To be sure!" said her sister Flora, "but I haven't wasted my time either. +I met such a clever old gentleman at M. Vinteuil's who knows Maubant quite +well, and Maubant has told him every little thing about how he gets up his +parts. It is the most interesting thing I ever heard. He is a neighbour of +M. Vinteuil's, and I never knew; and he is so nice besides." + +"M. Vinteuil is not the only one who has nice neighbours," cried my aunt +Céline in a voice which seemed loud because she was so timid, and seemed +forced because she had been planning the little speech for so long; +darting, as she spoke, what she called a 'significant glance' at Swann. +And my aunt Flora, who realised that this veiled utterance was Céline's +way of thanking Swann intelligibly for the Asti, looked at him with a +blend of congratulation and irony, either just, because she wished to +underline her sister's little epigram, or because she envied Swann his +having inspired it, or merely because she imagined that he was +embarrassed, and could not help having a little fun at his expense. + +"I think it would be worth while," Flora went on, "to have this old +gentleman to dinner. When you get him upon Maubant or Mme. Materna he will +talk for hours on end." + +"That must be delightful," sighed my grandfather, in whose mind nature had +unfortunately forgotten to include any capacity whatsoever for becoming +passionately interested in the co-operative movement among the ladies of +Sweden or in the methods employed by Maubant to get up his parts, just as +it had forgotten to endow my grandmother's two sisters with a grain of +that precious salt which one has oneself to 'add to taste' in order to +extract any savour from a narrative of the private life of Mole or of the +Comte de Paris. + +"I say!" exclaimed Swann to my grandfather, "what I was going to tell you +has more to do than you might think with what you were asking me just now, +for in some respects there has been very little change. I came across a +passage in Saint-Simon this morning which would have amused you. It is in +the volume which covers his mission to Spain; not one of the best, little +more in fact than a journal, but at least it is a journal wonderfully well +written, which fairly distinguishes it from the devastating journalism +that we feel bound to read in these days, morning, noon and night." + +"I do not agree with you: there are some days when I find reading the +papers very pleasant indeed!" my aunt Flora broke in, to show Swann that +she had read the note about his Corot in the _Figaro_. + +"Yes," aunt Céline went one better. "When they write about things or +people in whom we are interested." + +"I don't deny it," answered Swann in some bewilderment. "The fault I +find with our journalism is that it forces us to take an interest in some +fresh triviality or other every day, whereas only three or four books in a +lifetime give us anything that is of real importance. Suppose that, every +morning, when we tore the wrapper off our paper with fevered hands, a +transmutation were to take place, and we were to find inside it--oh! I +don't know; shall we say Pascal's _Pensées_?" He articulated the title with +an ironic emphasis so as not to appear pedantic. "And then, in the gilt and +tooled volumes which we open once in ten years," he went on, shewing that +contempt for the things of this world which some men of the world like to +affect, "we should read that the Queen of the Hellenes had arrived at +Cannes, or that the Princesse de Léon had given a fancy dress ball. In +that way we should arrive at the right proportion between 'information' +and 'publicity.'" But at once regretting that he had allowed himself to +speak, even in jest, of serious matters, he added ironically: "We are +having a most entertaining conversation; I cannot think why we climb to +these lofty summits," and then, turning to my grandfather: "Well, +Saint-Simon tells how Maulevrier had had the audacity to offer his hand to +his sons. You remember how he says of Maulevrier, 'Never did I find in +that coarse bottle anything but ill-humour, boorishness, and folly.'" + +"Coarse or not, I know bottles in which there is something very +different!" said Flora briskly, feeling bound to thank Swann as well as +her sister, since the present of Asti had been addressed to them both. +Céline began to laugh. + +Swann was puzzled, but went on: "'I cannot say whether it was his +ignorance or a trap,' writes Saint-Simon; 'he wished to give his hand to +my children. I noticed it in time to prevent him.'" + +My grandfather was already in ecstasies over "ignorance or a trap," but +Miss Céline--the name of Saint-Simon, a 'man of letters,' having arrested +the complete paralysis of her sense of hearing--had grown angry. + +"What! You admire that, do you? Well, it is clever enough! But what is the +point of it? Does he mean that one man isn't as good as another? What +difference can it make whether he is a duke or a groom so long as he is +intelligent and good? He had a fine way of bringing up his children, your +Saint-Simon, if he didn't teach them to shake hands with all honest men. +Really and truly, it's abominable. And you dare to quote it!" + +And my grandfather, utterly depressed, realising how futile it would be +for him, against this opposition, to attempt to get Swann to tell him the +stories which would have amused him, murmured to my mother: "Just tell me +again that line of yours which always comforts me so much on these +occasions. Oh, yes: + + What virtues, Lord, Thou makest us abhor! + +Good, that is, very good." + +I never took my eyes off my mother. I knew that when they were at table I +should not be permitted to stay there for the whole of dinner-time, and +that Mamma, for fear of annoying my father, would not allow me to give her +in public the series of kisses that she would have had in my room. And so +I promised myself that in the dining-room, as they began to eat and drink +and as I felt the hour approach, I would put beforehand into this kiss, +which was bound to be so brief and stealthy in execution, everything that +my own efforts could put into it: would look out very carefully first the +exact spot on her cheek where I would imprint it, and would so prepare my +thoughts that I might be able, thanks to these mental preliminaries, to +consecrate the whole of the minute Mamma would allow me to the sensation +of her cheek against my lips, as a painter who can have his subject for +short sittings only prepares his palette, and from what he remembers and +from rough notes does in advance everything which he possibly can do in +the sitter's absence. But to-night, before the dinner-bell had sounded, my +grandfather said with unconscious cruelty: "The little man looks tired; +he'd better go up to bed. Besides, we are dining late to-night." + +And my father, who was less scrupulous than my grandmother or mother in +observing the letter of a treaty, went on: "Yes, run along; to bed with +you." + +I would have kissed Mamma then and there, but at that moment the +dinner-bell rang. + +"No, no, leave your mother alone. You've said good night quite enough. +These exhibitions are absurd. Go on upstairs." + +And so I must set forth without viaticum; must climb each step of the +staircase 'against my heart,' as the saying is, climbing in opposition to +my heart's desire, which was to return to my mother, since she had not, by +her kiss, given my heart leave to accompany me forth. That hateful +staircase, up which I always passed with such dismay, gave out a smell of +varnish which had to some extent absorbed, made definite and fixed the +special quality of sorrow that I felt each evening, and made it perhaps +even more cruel to my sensibility because, when it assumed this olfactory +guise, my intellect was powerless to resist it. When we have gone to sleep +with a maddening toothache and are conscious of it only as a little girl +whom we attempt, time after time, to pull out of the water, or as a line +of Molière which we repeat incessantly to ourselves, it is a great relief +to wake up, so that our intelligence can disentangle the idea of toothache +from any artificial semblance of heroism or rhythmic cadence. It was the +precise converse of this relief which I felt when my anguish at having to +go up to my room invaded my consciousness in a manner infinitely more +rapid, instantaneous almost, a manner at once insidious and brutal as I +breathed in--a far more poisonous thing than any moral penetration--the +peculiar smell of the varnish upon that staircase. + +Once in my room I had to stop every loophole, to close the shutters, to +dig my own grave as I turned down the bed-clothes, to wrap myself in the +shroud of my nightshirt. But before burying myself in the iron bed which +had been placed there because, on summer nights, I was too hot among the +rep curtains of the four-poster, I was stirred to revolt, and attempted +the desperate stratagem of a condemned prisoner. I wrote to my mother +begging her to come upstairs for an important reason which I could not put +in writing. My fear was that Françoise, my aunt's cook who used to be put +in charge of me when I was at Combray, might refuse to take my note. I had +a suspicion that, in her eyes, to carry a message to my mother when there +was a stranger in the room would appear flatly inconceivable, just as it +would be for the door-keeper of a theatre to hand a letter to an actor +upon the stage. For things which might or might not be done she possessed +a code at once imperious, abundant, subtle, and uncompromising on points +themselves imperceptible or irrelevant, which gave it a resemblance to +those ancient laws which combine such cruel ordinances as the massacre of +infants at the breast with prohibitions, of exaggerated refinement, +against "seething the kid in his mother's milk," or "eating of the sinew +which is upon the hollow of the thigh." This code, if one could judge it +by the sudden obstinacy which she would put into her refusal to carry out +certain of our instructions, seemed to have foreseen such social +complications and refinements of fashion as nothing in Françoise's +surroundings or in her career as a servant in a village household could +have put into her head; and we were obliged to assume that there was +latent in her some past existence in the ancient history of France, noble +and little understood, just as there is in those manufacturing towns where +old mansions still testify to their former courtly days, and chemical +workers toil among delicately sculptured scenes of the Miracle of +Theophilus or the Quatre Fils Aymon. + +In this particular instance, the article of her code which made it highly +improbable that--barring an outbreak of fire--Françoise would go down and +disturb Mamma when M. Swann was there for so unimportant a person as +myself was one embodying the respect she shewed not only for the family +(as for the dead, for the clergy, or for royalty), but also for the +stranger within our gates; a respect which I should perhaps have found +touching in a book, but which never failed to irritate me on her lips, +because of the solemn and gentle tones in which she would utter it, and +which irritated me more than usual this evening when the sacred character +in which she invested the dinner-party might have the effect of making her +decline to disturb its ceremonial. But to give myself one chance of +success I lied without hesitation, telling her that it was not in the +least myself who had wanted to write to Mamma, but Mamma who, on saying +good night to me, had begged me not to forget to send her an answer about +something she had asked me to find, and that she would certainly be very +angry if this note were not taken to her. I think that Françoise +disbelieved me, for, like those primitive men whose senses were so much +keener than our own, she could immediately detect, by signs imperceptible +by the rest of us, the truth or falsehood of anything that we might wish +to conceal from her. She studied the envelope for five minutes as though +an examination of the paper itself and the look of my handwriting could +enlighten her as to the nature of the contents, or tell her to which +article of her code she ought to refer the matter. Then she went out with +an air of resignation which seemed to imply: "What a dreadful thing for +parents to have a child like this!" + +A moment later she returned to say that they were still at the ice stage +and that it was impossible for the butler to deliver the note at once, in +front of everybody; but that when the finger-bowls were put round he would +find a way of slipping it into Mamma's hand. At once my anxiety subsided; +it was now no longer (as it had been a moment ago) until to-morrow that I +had lost my mother, for my little line was going--to annoy her, no doubt, +and doubly so because this contrivance would make me ridiculous in Swann's +eyes--but was going all the same to admit me, invisibly and by stealth, +into the same room as herself, was going to whisper from me into her ear; +for that forbidden and unfriendly dining-room, where but a moment ago the +ice itself--with burned nuts in it--and the finger-bowls seemed to me to +be concealing pleasures that were mischievous and of a mortal sadness +because Mamma was tasting of them and I was far away, had opened its doors +to me and, like a ripe fruit which bursts through its skin, was going to +pour out into my intoxicated heart the gushing sweetness of Mamma's +attention while she was reading what I had written. Now I was no longer +separated from her; the barriers were down; an exquisite thread was +binding us. Besides, that was not all, for surely Mamma would come. + +As for the agony through which I had just passed, I imagined that Swann +would have laughed heartily at it if he had read my letter and had guessed +its purpose; whereas, on the contrary, as I was to learn in due course, a +similar anguish had been the bane of his life for many years, and no one +perhaps could have understood my feelings at that moment so well as +himself; to him, that anguish which lies in knowing that the creature one +adores is in some place of enjoyment where oneself is not and cannot +follow--to him that anguish came through Love, to which it is in a sense +predestined, by which it must be equipped and adapted; but when, as had +befallen me, such an anguish possesses one's soul before Love has yet +entered into one's life, then it must drift, awaiting Love's coming, vague +and free, without precise attachment, at the disposal of one sentiment +to-day, of another to-morrow, of filial piety or affection for a comrade. +And the joy with which I first bound myself apprentice, when Françoise +returned to tell me that my letter would be delivered; Swann, too, had +known well that false joy which a friend can give us, or some relative of +the woman we love, when on his arrival at the house or theatre where she +is to be found, for some ball or party or 'first-night' at which he is to +meet her, he sees us wandering outside, desperately awaiting some +opportunity of communicating with her. He recognises us, greets us +familiarly, and asks what we are doing there. And when we invent a story +of having some urgent message to give to his relative or friend, he +assures us that nothing could be more simple, takes us in at the door, and +promises to send her down to us in five minutes. How much we love him--as +at that moment I loved Françoise--the good-natured intermediary who by a +single word has made supportable, human, almost propitious the +inconceivable, infernal scene of gaiety in the thick of which we had been +imagining swarms of enemies, perverse and seductive, beguiling away from +us, even making laugh at us, the woman whom we love. If we are to judge of +them by him, this relative who has accosted us and who is himself an +initiate in those cruel mysteries, then the other guests cannot be so very +demoniacal. Those inaccessible and torturing hours into which she had gone +to taste of unknown pleasures--behold, a breach in the wall, and we are +through it. Behold, one of the moments whose series will go to make up +their sum, a moment as genuine as the rest, if not actually more important +to ourself because our mistress is more intensely a part of it; we picture +it to ourselves, we possess it, we intervene upon it, almost we have +created it: namely, the moment in which he goes to tell her that we are +waiting there below. And very probably the other moments of the party will +not be essentially different, will contain nothing else so exquisite or so +well able to make us suffer, since this kind friend has assured us that +"Of course, she will be delighted to come down! It will be far more +amusing for her to talk to you than to be bored up there." Alas! Swann had +learned by experience that the good intentions of a third party are +powerless to control a woman who is annoyed to find herself pursued even +into a ball-room by a man whom she does not love. Too often, the kind +friend comes down again alone. + +My mother did not appear, but with no attempt to safeguard my self-respect +(which depended upon her keeping up the fiction that she had asked me to +let her know the result of my search for something or other) made +Françoise tell me, in so many words "There is no answer"--words I have so +often, since then, heard the hall-porters in 'mansions' and the flunkeys +in gambling-clubs and the like, repeat to some poor girl, who replies in +bewilderment: "What! he's said nothing? It's not possible. You did give +him my letter, didn't you? Very well, I shall wait a little longer." And +just as she invariably protests that she does not need the extra gas which +the porter offers to light for her, and sits on there, hearing nothing +further, except an occasional remark on the weather which the porter +exchanges with a messenger whom he will send off suddenly, when he notices +the time, to put some customer's wine on the ice; so, having declined +Françoise's offer to make me some tea or to stay beside me, I let her go +off again to the servants' hall, and lay down and shut my eyes, and tried +not to hear the voices of my family who were drinking their coffee in the +garden. + +But after a few seconds I realised that, by writing that line to Mamma, by +approaching--at the risk of making her angry--so near to her that I felt I +could reach out and grasp the moment in which I should see her again, I +had cut myself off from the possibility of going to sleep until I actually +had seen her, and my heart began to beat more and more painfully as I +increased my agitation by ordering myself to keep calm and to acquiesce in +my ill-fortune. Then, suddenly, my anxiety subsided, a feeling of intense +happiness coursed through me, as when a strong medicine begins to take +effect and one's pain vanishes: I had formed a resolution to abandon all +attempts to go to sleep without seeing Mamma, and had decided to kiss her +at all costs, even with the certainty of being in disgrace with her for +long afterwards, when she herself came up to bed. The tranquillity which +followed my anguish made me extremely alert, no less than my sense of +expectation, my thirst for and my fear of danger. + +Noiselessly I opened the window and sat down on the foot of my bed; hardly +daring to move in case they should hear me from below. Things outside +seemed also fixed in mute expectation, so as not to disturb the moonlight +which, duplicating each of them and throwing it back by the extension, +forwards, of a shadow denser and more concrete than its substance, had +made the whole landscape seem at once thinner and longer, like a map +which, after being folded up, is spread out upon the ground. What had to +move--a leaf of the chestnut-tree, for instance--moved. But its minute +shuddering, complete, finished to the least detail and with utmost +delicacy of gesture, made no discord with the rest of the scene, and yet +was not merged in it, remaining clearly outlined. Exposed upon this +surface of silence, which absorbed nothing from them, the most distant +sounds, those which must have come from gardens at the far end of the +town, could be distinguished with such exact 'finish' that the impression +they gave of coming from a distance seemed due only to their 'pianissimo' +execution, like those movements on muted strings so well performed by the +orchestra of the Conservatoire that, although one does not lose a single +note, one thinks all the same that they are being played somewhere +outside, a long way from the concert hall, so that all the old +subscribers, and my grandmother's sisters too, when Swann had given them +his seats, used to strain their ears as if they had caught the distant +approach of an army on the march, which had not yet rounded the corner of +the Rue de Trévise. + +I was well aware that I had placed myself in a position than which none +could be counted upon to involve me in graver consequences at my parents' +hands; consequences far graver, indeed, than a stranger would have +imagined, and such as (he would have thought) could follow only some +really shameful fault. But in the system of education which they had given +me faults were not classified in the same order as in that of other +children, and I had been taught to place at the head of the list +(doubtless because there was no other class of faults from which I needed +to be more carefully protected) those in which I can now distinguish the +common feature that one succumbs to them by yielding to a nervous impulse. +But such words as these last had never been uttered in my hearing; no one +had yet accounted for my temptations in a way which might have led me to +believe that there was some excuse for my giving in to them, or that I was +actually incapable of holding out against them. Yet I could easily +recognise this class of transgressions by the anguish of mind which +preceded, as well as by the rigour of the punishment which followed them; +and I knew that what I had just done was in the same category as certain +other sins for which I had been severely chastised, though infinitely more +serious than they. When I went out to meet my mother as she herself came +up to bed, and when she saw that I had remained up so as to say good night +to her again in the passage, I should not be allowed to stay in the house +a day longer, I should be packed off to school next morning; so much was +certain. Very good: had I been obliged, the next moment, to hurl myself +out of the window, I should still have preferred such a fate. For what I +wanted now was Mamma, and to say good night to her. I had gone too far +along the road which led to the realisation of this desire to be able to +retrace my steps. + +I could hear my parents' footsteps as they went with Swann; and, when the +rattle of the gate assured me that he had really gone, I crept to the +window. Mamma was asking my father if he had thought the lobster good, and +whether M. Swann had had some of the coffee-and-pistachio ice. "I thought +it rather so-so," she was saying; "next time we shall have to try another +flavour." + +"I can't tell you," said my great-aunt, "what a change I find in Swann. +He is quite antiquated!" She had grown so accustomed to seeing Swann +always in the same stage of adolescence that it was a shock to her to find +him suddenly less young than the age she still attributed to him. And the +others too were beginning to remark in Swann that abnormal, excessive, +scandalous senescence, meet only in a celibate, in one of that class for +whom it seems that the great day which knows no morrow must be longer than +for other men, since for such a one it is void of promise, and from its +dawn the moments steadily accumulate without any subsequent partition +among his offspring. + +"I fancy he has a lot of trouble with that wretched wife of his, who +'lives' with a certain Monsieur de Charlus, as all Combray knows. It's the +talk of the town." + +My mother observed that, in spite of this, he had looked much less unhappy +of late. "And he doesn't nearly so often do that trick of his, so like his +father, of wiping his eyes and passing his hand across his forehead. I +think myself that in his heart of hearts he doesn't love his wife any +more." + +"Why, of course he doesn't," answered my grandfather. "He wrote me a +letter about it, ages ago, to which I took care to pay no attention, but +it left no doubt as to his feelings, let alone his love for his wife. +Hullo! you two; you never thanked him for the Asti!" he went on, turning +to his sisters-in-law. + +"What! we never thanked him? I think, between you and me, that I put it to +him quite neatly," replied my aunt Flora. + +"Yes, you managed it very well; I admired you for it," said my aunt +Céline. + +"But you did it very prettily, too." + +"Yes; I liked my expression about 'nice neighbours.'" + +"What! Do you call that thanking him?" shouted my grandfather. "I heard +that all right, but devil take me if I guessed it was meant for Swann. +You may be quite sure he never noticed it." + +"Come, come; Swann is not a fool. I am positive he appreciated the +compliment. You didn't expect me to tell him the number of bottles, or to +guess what he paid for them." + +My father and mother were left alone and sat down for a moment; then my +father said: "Well, shall we go up to bed?" + +"As you wish, dear, though I don't feel in the least like sleeping. I +don't know why; it can't be the coffee-ice--it wasn't strong enough to +keep me awake like this. But I see a light in the servants' hall: poor +Françoise has been sitting up for me, so I will get her to unhook me while +you go and undress." + +My mother opened the latticed door which led from the hall to the +staircase. Presently I heard her coming upstairs to close her window. I +went quietly into the passage; my heart was beating so violently that I +could hardly move, but at least it was throbbing no longer with anxiety, +but with terror and with joy. I saw in the well of the stair a light +coming upwards, from Mamma's candle. Then I saw Mamma herself: I threw +myself upon her. For an instant she looked at me in astonishment, not +realising what could have happened. Then her face assumed an expression of +anger. She said not a single word to me; and, for that matter, I used to +go for days on end without being spoken to, for far less offences than +this. A single word from Mamma would have been an admission that further +intercourse with me was within the bounds of possibility, and that might +perhaps have appeared to me more terrible still, as indicating that, with +such a punishment as was in store for me, mere silence, and even anger, +were relatively puerile. + +A word from her then would have implied the false calm in which one +converses with a servant to whom one has just decided to give notice; the +kiss one bestows on a son who is being packed off to enlist, which would +have been denied him if it had merely been a matter of being angry with +him for a few days. But she heard my father coming from the dressing-room, +where he had gone to take off his clothes, and, to avoid the 'scene' which +he would make if he saw me, she said, in a voice half-stifled by her +anger: "Run away at once. Don't let your father see you standing there +like a crazy jane!" + +But I begged her again to "Come and say good night to me!" terrified as I +saw the light from my father's candle already creeping up the wall, but +also making use of his approach as a means of blackmail, in the hope that +my mother, not wishing him to find me there, as find me he must if she +continued to hold out, would give in to me, and say: "Go back to your +room. I will come." + +Too late: my father was upon us. Instinctively I murmured, though no one +heard me, "I am done for!" + +I was not, however. My father used constantly to refuse to let me do +things which were quite clearly allowed by the more liberal charters +granted me by my mother and grandmother, because he paid no heed to +'Principles,' and because in his sight there were no such things as +'Rights of Man.' For some quite irrelevant reason, or for no reason at +all, he would at the last moment prevent me from taking some particular +walk, one so regular and so consecrated to my use that to deprive me of it +was a clear breach of faith; or again, as he had done this evening, long +before the appointed hour he would snap out: "Run along up to bed now; no +excuses!" But then again, simply because he was devoid of principles (in +my grandmother's sense), so he could not, properly speaking, be called +inexorable. He looked at me for a moment with an air of annoyance and +surprise, and then when Mamma had told him, not without some +embarrassment, what had happened, said to her: "Go along with him, then; +you said just now that you didn't feel like sleep, so stay in his room for +a little. I don't need anything." + +"But dear," my mother answered timidly, "whether or not I feel like sleep +is not the point; we must not make the child accustomed..." + +"There's no question of making him accustomed," said my father, with a +shrug of the shoulders; "you can see quite well that the child is unhappy. +After all, we aren't gaolers. You'll end by making him ill, and a lot of +good that will do. There are two beds in his room; tell Françoise to make +up the big one for you, and stay beside him for the rest of the night. I'm +off to bed, anyhow; I'm not nervous like you. Good night." + +It was impossible for me to thank my father; what he called my +sentimentality would have exasperated him. I stood there, not daring to +move; he was still confronting us, an immense figure in his white +nightshirt, crowned with the pink and violet scarf of Indian cashmere in +which, since he had begun to suffer from neuralgia, he used to tie up his +head, standing like Abraham in the engraving after Benozzo Gozzoli which +M. Swann had given me, telling Sarah that she must tear herself away from +Isaac. Many years have passed since that night. The wall of the staircase, +up which I had watched the light of his candle gradually climb, was long +ago demolished. And in myself, too, many things have perished which, I +imagined, would last for ever, and new structures have arisen, giving +birth to new sorrows and new joys which in those days I could not have +foreseen, just as now the old are difficult of comprehension. It is a long +time, too, since my father has been able to tell Mamma to "Go with the +child." Never again will such hours be possible for me. But of late I have +been increasingly able to catch, if I listen attentively, the sound of the +sobs which I had the strength to control in my father's presence, and +which broke out only when I found myself alone with Mamma. Actually, their +echo has never ceased: it is only because life is now growing more and +more quiet round about me that I hear them afresh, like those convent +bells which are so effectively drowned during the day by the noises of the +streets that one would suppose them to have been stopped for ever, until +they sound out again through the silent evening air. + +Mamma spent that night in my room: when I had just committed a sin so +deadly that I was waiting to be banished from the household, my parents +gave me a far greater concession than I should ever have won as the reward +of a good action. Even at the moment when it manifested itself in this +crowning mercy, my father's conduct towards me was still somewhat +arbitrary, and regardless of my deserts, as was characteristic of him and +due to the fact that his actions were generally dictated by chance +expediencies rather than based on any formal plan. And perhaps even what I +called his strictness, when he sent me off to bed, deserved that title +less, really, than my mother's or grandmother's attitude, for his nature, +which in some respects differed more than theirs from my own, had probably +prevented him from guessing, until then, how wretched I was every evening, +a thing which my mother and grandmother knew well; but they loved me +enough to be unwilling to spare me that suffering, which they hoped to +teach me to overcome, so as to reduce my nervous sensibility and to +strengthen my will. As for my father, whose affection for me was of +another kind, I doubt if he would have shewn so much courage, for as soon +as he had grasped the fact that I was unhappy he had said to my mother: +"Go and comfort him." Mamma stayed all night in my room, and it seemed +that she did not wish to mar by recrimination those hours, so different +from anything that I had had a right to expect; for when Françoise (who +guessed that something extraordinary must have happened when she saw Mamma +sitting by my side, holding my hand and letting me cry unchecked) said to +her: "But, Madame, what is little Master crying for?" she replied: "Why, +Françoise, he doesn't know himself: it is his nerves. Make up the big bed +for me quickly and then go off to your own." And thus for the first time +my unhappiness was regarded no longer as a fault for which I must be +punished, but as an involuntary evil which had been officially recognised +a nervous condition for which I was in no way responsible: I had the +consolation that I need no longer mingle apprehensive scruples with the +bitterness of my tears; I could weep henceforward without sin. I felt no +small degree of pride, either, in Franchise's presence at this return to +humane conditions which, not an hour after Mamma had refused to come up to +my room and had sent the snubbing message that I was to go to sleep, +raised me to the dignity of a grown-up person, brought me of a sudden to a +sort of puberty of sorrow, to emancipation from tears. I ought then to +have been happy; I was not. It struck me that my mother had just made a +first concession which must have been painful to her, that it was a first +step down from the ideal she had formed for me, and that for the first +time she, with all her courage, had to confess herself beaten. It struck +me that if I had just scored a victory it was over her; that I had +succeeded, as sickness or sorrow or age might have succeeded, in relaxing +her will, in altering her judgment; that this evening opened a new era, +must remain a black date in the calendar. And if I had dared now, I +should have said to Mamma: "No, I don't want you; you mustn't sleep here." +But I was conscious of the practical wisdom, of what would be called +nowadays the realism with which she tempered the ardent idealism of my +grandmother's nature, and I knew that now the mischief was done she would +prefer to let me enjoy the soothing pleasure of her company, and not to +disturb my father again. Certainly my mother's beautiful features seemed +to shine again with youth that evening, as she sat gently holding my hands +and trying to check my tears; but, just for that reason, it seemed to me +that this should not have happened; her anger would have been less +difficult to endure than this new kindness which my childhood had not +known; I felt that I had with an impious and secret finger traced a first +wrinkle upon her soul and made the first white hair shew upon her head. +This thought redoubled my sobs, and then I saw that Mamma, who had never +allowed herself to go to any length of tenderness with me, was suddenly +overcome by my tears and had to struggle to keep back her own. Then, as +she saw that I had noticed this, she said to me, with a smile: "Why, my +little buttercup, my little canary-boy, he's going to make Mamma as silly +as himself if this goes on. Look, since you can't sleep, and Mamma can't +either, we mustn't go on in this stupid way; we must do something; I'll +get one of your books." But I had none there. "Would you like me to get +out the books now that your grandmother is going to give you for your +birthday? Just think it over first, and don't be disappointed if there is +nothing new for you then." + +I was only too delighted, and Mamma went to find a parcel of books in +which I could not distinguish, through the paper in which it was wrapped, +any more than its squareness and size, but which, even at this first +glimpse, brief and obscure as it was, bade fair to eclipse already the +paint-box of last New Year's Day and the silkworms of the year before. It +contained _La Mare au Diable_, _François le Champi_, _La Petite Fadette_, +and _Les Maîtres Sonneurs_. My grandmother, as I learned afterwards, had +at first chosen Mussel's poems, a volume of Rousseau, and _Indiana_; for +while she considered light reading as unwholesome as sweets and cakes, she +did not reflect that the strong breath of genius must have upon the very +soul of a child an influence at once more dangerous and less quickening +than those of fresh air and country breezes upon his body. But when my +father had seemed almost to regard her as insane on learning the names of +the books she proposed to give me, she had journeyed back by herself to +Jouy-le-Vicomte to the bookseller's, so that there should be no fear of my +not having my present in time (it was a burning hot day, and she had come +home so unwell that the doctor had warned my mother not to allow her again +to tire herself in that way), and had there fallen back upon the four +pastoral novels of George Sand. + +"My dear," she had said to Mamma, "I could not allow myself to give the +child anything that was not well written." + +The truth was that she could never make up her mind to purchase anything +from which no intellectual profit was to be derived, and, above all, that +profit which good things bestowed on us by teaching us to seek our +pleasures elsewhere than in the barren satisfaction of worldly wealth. +Even when she had to make some one a present of the kind called 'useful,' +when she had to give an armchair or some table-silver or a walking-stick, +she would choose 'antiques,' as though their long desuetude had effaced +from them any semblance of utility and fitted them rather to instruct us +in the lives of the men of other days than to serve the common +requirements of our own. She would have liked me to have in my room +photographs of ancient buildings or of beautiful places. But at the moment +of buying them, and for all that the subject of the picture had an +aesthetic value of its own, she would find that vulgarity and utility had +too prominent a part in them, through the mechanical nature of their +reproduction by photography. She attempted by a subterfuge, if not to +eliminate altogether their commercial banality, at least to minimise it, +to substitute for the bulk of it what was art still, to introduce, as it +might be, several 'thicknesses' of art; instead of photographs of Chartres +Cathedral, of the Fountains of Saint-Cloud, or of Vesuvius she would +inquire of Swann whether some great painter had not made pictures of them, +and preferred to give me photographs of 'Chartres Cathedral' after Corot, +of the 'Fountains of Saint-Cloud' after Hubert Robert, and of 'Vesuvius' +after Turner, which were a stage higher in the scale of art. But although +the photographer had been prevented from reproducing directly the +masterpieces or the beauties of nature, and had there been replaced by a +great artist, he resumed his odious position when it came to reproducing +the artist's interpretation. Accordingly, having to reckon again with +vulgarity, my grandmother would endeavour to postpone the moment of +contact still further. She would ask Swann if the picture had not been +engraved, preferring, when possible, old engravings with some interest of +association apart from themselves, such, for example, as shew us a +masterpiece in a state in which we can no longer see it to-day, as +Morghen's print of the 'Cenacolo' of Leonardo before it was spoiled by +restoration. It must be admitted that the results of this method of +interpreting the art of making presents were not always happy. The idea +which I formed of Venice, from a drawing by Titian which is supposed to +have the lagoon in the background, was certainly far less accurate than +what I have since derived from ordinary photographs. We could no longer +keep count in the family (when my great-aunt tried to frame an indictment +of my grandmother) of all the armchairs she had presented to married +couples, young and old, which on a first attempt to sit down upon them had +at once collapsed beneath the weight of their recipient. But my +grandmother would have thought it sordid to concern herself too closely +with the solidity of any piece of furniture in which could still be +discerned a flourish, a smile, a brave conceit of the past. And even what +in such pieces supplied a material need, since it did so in a manner to +which we are no longer accustomed, was as charming to her as one of those +old forms of speech in which we can still see traces of a metaphor whose +fine point has been worn away by the rough usage of our modern tongue. In +precisely the same way the pastoral novels of George Sand, which she was +giving me for my birthday, were regular lumber-rooms of antique furniture, +full of expressions that have fallen out of use and returned as imagery, +such as one finds now only in country dialects. And my grandmother had +bought them in preference to other books, just as she would have preferred +to take a house that had a gothic dovecot, or some other such piece of +antiquity as would have a pleasant effect on the mind, filling it with a +nostalgic longing for impossible journeys through the realms of time. + +Mamma sat down by my bed; she had chosen _François le Champi_, whose +reddish cover and incomprehensible title gave it a distinct personality in +my eyes and a mysterious attraction. I had not then read any real novels. +I had heard it said that George Sand was a typical novelist. That prepared +me in advance to imagine that _François le Champi_ contained something +inexpressibly delicious. The course of the narrative, where it tended to +arouse curiosity or melt to pity, certain modes of expression which +disturb or sadden the reader, and which, with a little experience, he may +recognise as 'common form' in novels, seemed to me then distinctive--for +to me a new book was not one of a number of similar objects, but was like +an individual man, unmatched, and with no cause of existence beyond +himself--an intoxicating whiff of the peculiar essence of _François le +Champi_. Beneath the everyday incidents, the commonplace thoughts and +hackneyed words, I could hear, or overhear, an intonation, a rhythmic +utterance fine and strange. The 'action' began: to me it seemed all the +more obscure because in those days, when I read to myself, I used often, +while I turned the pages, to dream of something quite different. And to +the gaps which this habit made in my knowledge of the story more were +added by the fact that when it was Mamma who was reading to me aloud she +left all the love-scenes out. And so all the odd changes which take place +in the relations between the miller's wife and the boy, changes which only +the birth and growth of love can explain, seemed to me plunged and steeped +in a mystery, the key to which (as I could readily believe) lay in that +strange and pleasant-sounding name of _Champi_, which draped the boy who +bore it, I knew not why, in its own bright colour, purpurate and charming. +If my mother was not a faithful reader, she was, none the less, admirable +when reading a work in which she found the note of true feeling by the +respectful simplicity of her interpretation and by the sound of her sweet +and gentle voice. It was the same in her daily life, when it was not works +of art but men and women whom she was moved to pity or admire: it was +touching to observe with what deference she would banish from her voice, +her gestures, from her whole conversation, now the note of joy which might +have distressed some mother who had long ago lost a child, now the +recollection of an event or anniversary which might have reminded some old +gentleman of the burden of his years, now the household topic which might +have bored some young man of letters. And so, when she read aloud the +prose of George Sand, prose which is everywhere redolent of that +generosity and moral distinction which Mamma had learned from my +grandmother to place above all other qualities in life, and which I was +not to teach her until much later to refrain from placing, in the same +way, above all other qualities in literature; taking pains to banish from +her voice any weakness or affectation which might have blocked its channel +for that powerful stream of language, she supplied all the natural +tenderness, all the lavish sweetness which they demanded to phrases which +seemed to have been composed for her voice, and which were all, so to +speak, within her compass. She came to them with the tone that they +required, with the cordial accent which existed before they were, which +dictated them, but which is not to be found in the words themselves, and +by these means she smoothed away, as she read on, any harshness there +might be or discordance in the tenses of verbs, endowing the imperfect and +the preterite with all the sweetness which there is in generosity, all the +melancholy which there is in love; guided the sentence that was drawing to +an end towards that which was waiting to begin, now hastening, now +slackening the pace of the syllables so as to bring them, despite their +difference of quantity, into a uniform rhythm, and breathed into this +quite ordinary prose a kind of life, continuous and full of feeling. + +My agony was soothed; I let myself be borne upon the current of this +gentle night on which I had my mother by my side. I knew that such a night +could not be repeated; that the strongest desire I had in the world, +namely, to keep my mother in my room through the sad hours of darkness, +ran too much counter to general requirements and to the wishes of others +for such a concession as had been granted me this evening to be anything +but a rare and casual exception. To-morrow night I should again be the +victim of anguish and Mamma would not stay by my side. But when these +storms of anguish grew calm I could no longer realise their existence; +besides, tomorrow evening was still a long way off; I reminded myself that +I should still have time to think about things, albeit that remission of +time could bring me no access of power, albeit the coming event was in no +way dependent upon the exercise of my will, and seemed not quite +inevitable only because it was still separated from me by this short +interval. + + + +* * * + + + +And so it was that, for a long time afterwards, when I lay awake at night +and revived old memories of Combray, I saw no more of it than this sort of +luminous panel, sharply defined against a vague and shadowy background, +like the panels which a Bengal fire or some electric sign will illuminate +and dissect from the front of a building the other parts of which remain +plunged in darkness: broad enough at its base, the little parlour, the +dining-room, the alluring shadows of the path along which would come M. +Swann, the unconscious author of my sufferings, the hall through which I +would journey to the first step of that staircase, so hard to climb, which +constituted, all by itself, the tapering 'elevation' of an irregular +pyramid; and, at the summit, my bedroom, with the little passage through +whose glazed door Mamma would enter; in a word, seen always at the same +evening hour, isolated from all its possible surroundings, detached and +solitary against its shadowy background, the bare minimum of scenery +necessary (like the setting one sees printed at the head of an old play, +for its performance in the provinces) to the drama of my undressing, as +though all Combray had consisted of but two floors joined by a slender +staircase, and as though there had been no time there but seven o'clock at +night. I must own that I could have assured any questioner that Combray +did include other scenes and did exist at other hours than these. But +since the facts which I should then have recalled would have been prompted +only by an exercise of the will, by my intellectual memory, and since the +pictures which that kind of memory shews us of the past preserve nothing +of the past itself, I should never have had any wish to ponder over this +residue of Combray. To me it was in reality all dead. + +Permanently dead? Very possibly. + +There is a large element of hazard in these matters, and a second hazard, +that of our own death, often prevents us from awaiting for any length of +time the favours of the first. + +I feel that there is much to be said for the Celtic belief that the souls +of those whom we have lost are held captive in some inferior being, in an +animal, in a plant, in some inanimate object, and so effectively lost to +us until the day (which to many never comes) when we happen to pass by the +tree or to obtain possession of the object which forms their prison. Then +they start and tremble, they call us by our name, and as soon as we have +recognised their voice the spell is broken. We have delivered them: they +have overcome death and return to share our life. + +And so it is with our own past. It is a labour in vain to attempt to +recapture it: all the efforts of our intellect must prove futile. The past +is hidden somewhere outside the realm, beyond the reach of intellect, in +some material object (in the sensation which that material object will +give us) which we do not suspect. And as for that object, it depends on +chance whether we come upon it or not before we ourselves must die. + +Many years had elapsed during which nothing of Combray, save what was +comprised in the theatre and the drama of my going to bed there, had any +existence for me, when one day in winter, as I came home, my mother, +seeing that I was cold, offered me some tea, a thing I did not ordinarily +take. I declined at first, and then, for no particular reason, changed my +mind. She sent out for one of those short, plump little cakes called +'petites madeleines,' which look as though they had been moulded in the +fluted scallop of a pilgrim's shell. And soon, mechanically, weary after a +dull day with the prospect of a depressing morrow, I raised to my lips a +spoonful of the tea in which I had soaked a morsel of the cake. No sooner +had the warm liquid, and the crumbs with it, touched my palate than a +shudder ran through my whole body, and I stopped, intent upon the +extraordinary changes that were taking place. An exquisite pleasure had +invaded my senses, but individual, detached, with no suggestion of its +origin. And at once the vicissitudes of life had become indifferent to me, +its disasters innocuous, its brevity illusory--this new sensation having +had on me the effect which love has of filling me with a precious essence; +or rather this essence was not in me, it was myself. I had ceased now to +feel mediocre, accidental, mortal. Whence could it have come to me, this +all-powerful joy? I was conscious that it was connected with the taste of +tea and cake, but that it infinitely transcended those savours, could not, +indeed, be of the same nature as theirs. Whence did it come? What did it +signify? How could I seize upon and define it? + +I drink a second mouthful, in which I find nothing more than in the first, +a third, which gives me rather less than the second. It is time to stop; +the potion is losing its magic. It is plain that the object of my quest, +the truth, lies not in the cup but in myself. The tea has called up in me, +but does not itself understand, and can only repeat indefinitely with a +gradual loss of strength, the same testimony; which I, too, cannot +interpret, though I hope at least to be able to call upon the tea for it +again and to find it there presently, intact and at my disposal, for my +final enlightenment. I put down my cup and examine my own mind. It is for +it to discover the truth. But how? What an abyss of uncertainty whenever +the mind feels that some part of it has strayed beyond its own borders; +when it, the seeker, is at once the dark region through which it must go +seeking, where all its equipment will avail it nothing. Seek? More than +that: create. It is face to face with something which does not so far +exist, to which it alone can give reality and substance, which it alone +can bring into the light of day. + +And I begin again to ask myself what it could have been, this +unremembered state which brought with it no logical proof of its +existence, but only the sense that it was a happy, that it was a real +state in whose presence other states of consciousness melted and vanished. +I decide to attempt to make it reappear. I retrace my thoughts to the +moment at which I drank the first spoonful of tea. I find again the same +state, illumined by no fresh light. I compel my mind to make one further +effort, to follow and recapture once again the fleeting sensation. And +that nothing may interrupt it in its course I shut out every obstacle, +every extraneous idea, I stop my ears and inhibit all attention to the +sounds which come from the next room. And then, feeling that my mind is +growing fatigued without having any success to report, I compel it for a +change to enjoy that distraction which I have just denied it, to think of +other things, to rest and refresh itself before the supreme attempt. And +then for the second time I clear an empty space in front of it. I place in +position before my mind's eye the still recent taste of that first +mouthful, and I feel something start within me, something that leaves its +resting-place and attempts to rise, something that has been embedded like +an anchor at a great depth; I do not know yet what it is, but I can feel +it mounting slowly; I can measure the resistance, I can hear the echo of +great spaces traversed. + +Undoubtedly what is thus palpitating in the depths of my being must be the +image, the visual memory which, being linked to that taste, has tried to +follow it into my conscious mind. But its struggles are too far off, too +much confused; scarcely can I perceive the colourless reflection in which +are blended the uncapturable whirling medley of radiant hues, and I cannot +distinguish its form, cannot invite it, as the one possible interpreter, +to translate to me the evidence of its contemporary, its inseparable +paramour, the taste of cake soaked in tea; cannot ask it to inform me what +special circumstance is in question, of what period in my past life. + +Will it ultimately reach the clear surface of my consciousness, this +memory, this old, dead moment which the magnetism of an identical moment +has travelled so far to importune, to disturb, to raise up out of the very +depths of my being? I cannot tell. Now that I feel nothing, it has +stopped, has perhaps gone down again into its darkness, from which who can +say whether it will ever rise? Ten times over I must essay the task, must +lean down over the abyss. And each time the natural laziness which deters +us from every difficult enterprise, every work of importance, has urged me +to leave the thing alone, to drink my tea and to think merely of the +worries of to-day and of my hopes for to-morrow, which let themselves be +pondered over without effort or distress of mind. + +And suddenly the memory returns. The taste was that of the little crumb of +madeleine which on Sunday mornings at Combray (because on those mornings I +did not go out before church-time), when I went to say good day to her in +her bedroom, my aunt Léonie used to give me, dipping it first in her own +cup of real or of lime-flower tea. The sight of the little madeleine had +recalled nothing to my mind before I tasted it; perhaps because I had so +often seen such things in the interval, without tasting them, on the trays +in pastry-cooks' windows, that their image had dissociated itself from +those Combray days to take its place among others more recent; perhaps +because of those memories, so long abandoned and put out of mind, nothing +now survived, everything was scattered; the forms of things, including +that of the little scallop-shell of pastry, so richly sensual under its +severe, religious folds, were either obliterated or had been so long +dormant as to have lost the power of expansion which would have allowed +them to resume their place in my consciousness. But when from a +long-distant past nothing subsists, after the people are dead, after the +things are broken and scattered, still, alone, more fragile, but with more +vitality, more unsubstantial, more persistent, more faithful, the smell +and taste of things remain poised a long time, like souls, ready to remind +us, waiting and hoping for their moment, amid the ruins of all the rest; +and bear unfaltering, in the tiny and almost impalpable drop of their +essence, the vast structure of recollection. + +And once I had recognized the taste of the crumb of madeleine soaked in +her decoction of lime-flowers which my aunt used to give me (although I +did not yet know and must long postpone the discovery of why this memory +made me so happy) immediately the old grey house upon the street, where +her room was, rose up like the scenery of a theatre to attach itself to +the little pavilion, opening on to the garden, which had been built out +behind it for my parents (the isolated panel which until that moment had +been all that I could see); and with the house the town, from morning to +night and in all weathers, the Square where I was sent before luncheon, +the streets along which I used to run errands, the country roads we took +when it was fine. And just as the Japanese amuse themselves by filling a +porcelain bowl with water and steeping in it little crumbs of paper which +until then are without character or form, but, the moment they become wet, +stretch themselves and bend, take on colour and distinctive shape, become +flowers or houses or people, permanent and recognisable, so in that moment +all the flowers in our garden and in M. Swann's park, and the water-lilies +on the Vivonne and the good folk of the village and their little dwellings +and the parish church and the whole of Combray and of its surroundings, +taking their proper shapes and growing solid, sprang into being, town and +gardens alike, from my cup of tea. + + + + +COMBRAY + + +Combray at a distance, from a twenty-mile radius, as we used to see it +from the railway when we arrived there every year in Holy Week, was no +more than a church epitomising the town, representing it, speaking of it +and for it to the horizon, and as one drew near, gathering close about its +long, dark cloak, sheltering from the wind, on the open plain, as a +shepherd gathers his sheep, the woolly grey backs of its flocking houses, +which a fragment of its mediaeval ramparts enclosed, here and there, in an +outline as scrupulously circular as that of a little town in a primitive +painting. To live in, Combray was a trifle depressing, like its streets, +whose houses, built of the blackened stone of the country, fronted with +outside steps, capped with gables which projected long shadows downwards, +were so dark that one had, as soon as the sun began to go down, to draw +back the curtains in the sitting-room windows; streets with the solemn +names of Saints, not a few of whom figured in the history of the early +lords of Combray, such as the Rue Saint-Hilaire, the Rue Saint-Jacques, in +which my aunt's house stood, the Rue Sainte-Hildegarde, which ran past her +railings, and the Rue du Saint-Esprit, on to which the little garden gate +opened; and these Combray streets exist in so remote a quarter of my +memory, painted in colours so different from those in which the world is +decked for me to-day, that in fact one and all of them, and the church +which towered above them in the Square, seem to me now more unsubstantial +than the projections of my magic-lantern; while at times I feel that to be +able to cross the Rue Saint-Hilaire again, to engage a room in the Rue de +l'Oiseau, in the old hostelry of the Oiseau Flesché, from whose windows in +the pavement used to rise a smell of cooking which rises still in my mind, +now and then, in the same warm gusts of comfort, would be to secure a +contact with the unseen world more marvellously supernatural than it would +be to make Golo's acquaintance and to chat with Geneviève de Brabant. + +My grandfather's cousin--by courtesy my great-aunt--with whom we used to +stay, was the mother of that aunt Léonie who, since her husband's (my +uncle Octave's) death, had gradually declined to leave, first Combray, +then her house in Combray, then her bedroom, and finally her bed; and who +now never 'came down,' but lay perpetually in an indefinite condition of +grief, physical exhaustion, illness, obsessions, and religious +observances. Her own room looked out over the Rue Saint-Jacques, which +ran a long way further to end in the Grand-Pré (as distinct from the +Petit-Pré, a green space in the centre of the town where three streets +met) and which, monotonous and grey, with the three high steps of stone +before almost every one of its doors, seemed like a deep furrow cut by +some sculptor of gothic images in the very block of stone out of which he +had fashioned a Calvary or a Crib. My aunt's life was now practically +confined to two adjoining rooms, in one of which she would rest in the +afternoon while they, aired the other. They were rooms of that country +order which (just as in certain climes whole tracts of air or ocean are +illuminated or scented by myriads of protozoa which we cannot see) +fascinate our sense of smell with the countless odours springing from +their own special virtues, wisdom, habits, a whole secret system of life, +invisible, superabundant and profoundly moral, which their atmosphere +holds in solution; smells natural enough indeed, and coloured by +circumstances as are those of the neighbouring countryside, but already +humanised, domesticated, confined, an exquisite, skilful, limpid jelly, +blending all the fruits of the season which have left the orchard for the +store-room, smells changing with the year, but plenishing, domestic +smells, which compensate for the sharpness of hoar frost with the sweet +savour of warm bread, smells lazy and punctual as a village clock, roving +smells, pious smells; rejoicing in a peace which brings only an increase +of anxiety, and in a prosiness which serves as a deep source of poetry to +the stranger who passes through their midst without having lived amongst +them. The air of those rooms was saturated with the fine bouquet of a +silence so nourishing, so succulent that I could not enter them without a +sort of greedy enjoyment, particularly on those first mornings, chilly +still, of the Easter holidays, when I could taste it more fully, because I +had just arrived then at Combray: before I went in to wish my aunt good +day I would be kept waiting a little time in the outer room, where the +sun, a wintry sun still, had crept in to warm itself before the fire, +lighted already between its two brick sides and plastering all the room +and everything in it with a smell of soot, making the room like one of +those great open hearths which one finds in the country, or one of the +canopied mantelpieces in old castles under which one sits hoping that in +the world outside it is raining or snowing, hoping almost for a +catastrophic deluge to add the romance of shelter and security to the +comfort of a snug retreat; I would turn to and fro between the prayer-desk +and the stamped velvet armchairs, each one always draped in its crocheted +antimacassar, while the fire, baking like a pie the appetising smells with +which the air of the room, was thickly clotted, which the dewy and sunny +freshness of the morning had already 'raised' and started to 'set,' puffed +them and glazed them and fluted them and swelled them into an invisible +though not impalpable country cake, an immense puff-pastry, in which, +barely waiting to savour the crustier, more delicate, more respectable, +but also drier smells of the cupboard, the chest-of-drawers, and the +patterned wall-paper I always returned with an unconfessed gluttony to +bury myself in the nondescript, resinous, dull, indigestible, and fruity +smell of the flowered quilt. + +In the next room I could hear my aunt talking quietly to herself. She +never spoke save in low tones, because she believed that there was +something broken in her head and floating loose there, which she might +displace by talking too loud; but she never remained for long, even when +alone, without saying something, because she believed that it was good for +her throat, and that by keeping the blood there in circulation it would +make less frequent the chokings and other pains to which she was liable; +besides, in the life of complete inertia which she led she attached to the +least of her sensations an extraordinary importance, endowed them with a +Protean ubiquity which made it difficult for her to keep them secret, and, +failing a confidant to whom she might communicate them, she used to +promulgate them to herself in an unceasing monologue which was her sole +form of activity. Unfortunately, having formed the habit of thinking +aloud, she did not always take care to see that there was no one in the +adjoining room, and I would often hear her saying to herself: "I must not +forget that I never slept a wink"--for "never sleeping a wink" was her +great claim to distinction, and one admitted and respected in our +household vocabulary; in the morning Françoise would not 'call' her, but +would simply 'come to' her; during the day, when my aunt wished to take a +nap, we used to say just that she wished to 'be quiet' or to 'rest'; and +when in conversation she so far forgot herself as to say "what made me +wake up," or "I dreamed that," she would flush and at once correct +herself. + +After waiting a minute, I would go in and kiss her; Françoise would be +making her tea; or, if my aunt were feeling 'upset,' she would ask instead +for her 'tisane,' and it would be my duty to shake out of the chemist's +little package on to a plate the amount of lime-blossom required for +infusion in boiling water. The drying of the stems had twisted them into a +fantastic trellis, in whose intervals the pale flowers opened, as though a +painter had arranged them there, grouping them in the most decorative +poses. The leaves, which had lost or altered their own appearance, assumed +those instead of the most incongruous things imaginable, as though the +transparent wings of flies or the blank sides of labels or the petals of +roses had been collected and pounded, or interwoven as birds weave the +material for their nests. A thousand trifling little details--the charming +prodigality of the chemist--details which would have been eliminated from +an artificial preparation, gave me, like a book in which one is astonished +to read the name of a person whom one knows, the pleasure of finding that +these were indeed real lime-blossoms, like those I had seen, when coming +from the train, in the Avenue de la Gare, altered, but only because they +were not imitations but the very same blossoms, which had grown old. And +as each new character is merely a metamorphosis from something older, in +these little grey balls I recognised green buds plucked before their time; +but beyond all else the rosy, moony, tender glow which lit up the blossoms +among the frail forest of stems from which they hung like little golden +roses--marking, as the radiance upon an old wall still marks the place of +a vanished fresco, the difference between those parts of the tree which +had and those which had not been 'in bloom'--shewed me that these were +petals which, before their flowering-time, the chemist's package had +embalmed on warm evenings of spring. That rosy candlelight was still their +colour, but half-extinguished and deadened in the diminished life which +was now theirs, and which may be called the twilight of a flower. +Presently my aunt was able to dip in the boiling infusion, in which she +would relish the savour of dead or faded blossom, a little madeleine, of +which she would hold out a piece to me when it was sufficiently soft. + +At one side of her bed stood a big yellow chest-of-drawers of lemon-wood, +and a table which served at once as pharmacy and as high altar, on which, +beneath a statue of Our Lady and a bottle of Vichy-Célestins, might be +found her service-books and her medical prescriptions, everything that she +needed for the performance, in bed, of her duties to soul and body, to +keep the proper times for pepsin and for vespers. On the other side her +bed was bounded by the window: she had the street beneath her eyes, and +would read in it from morning to night to divert the tedium of her life, +like a Persian prince, the daily but immemorial chronicles of Combray, +which she would discuss in detail afterwards with Françoise. + +I would not have been five minutes with my aunt before she would send me +away in case I made her tired. She would hold out for me to kiss her sad +brow, pale and lifeless, on which at this early hour she would not yet +have arranged the false hair and through which the bones shone like the +points of a crown of thorns--or the beads of a rosary, and she would say to +me: "Now, my poor child, you must go away; go and get ready for mass; and +if you see Françoise downstairs, tell her not to stay too long amusing +herself with you; she must come up soon to see if I want anything." + +Françoise, who had been for many years in my aunt's service and did not at +that time suspect that she would one day be transferred entirely to ours, +was a little inclined to desert my aunt during the months which we spent +in her house. There had been in my infancy, before we first went to +Combray, and when my aunt Léonie used still to spend the winter in Paris +with her mother, a time when I knew Françoise so little that on New Year's +Day, before going into my great-aunt's house, my mother put a five-franc +piece in my hand and said: "Now, be careful. Don't make any mistake. Wait +until you hear me say 'Good morning, Françoise,' and I touch your arm +before you give it to her." No sooner had we arrived in my aunt's dark +hall than we saw in the gloom, beneath the frills of a snowy cap as stiff +and fragile as if it had been made of spun sugar, the concentric waves of +a smile of anticipatory gratitude. It was Françoise, motionless and erect, +framed in the small doorway of the corridor like the statue of a saint in +its niche. When we had grown more accustomed to this religious darkness we +could discern in her features a disinterested love of all humanity, +blended with a tender respect for the 'upper classes' which raised to the +most honourable quarter of her heart the hope of receiving her due reward. +Mamma pinched my arm sharply and said in a loud voice: "Good morning, +Françoise." At this signal my fingers parted and I let fall the coin, +which found a receptacle in a confused but outstretched hand. But since we +had begun to go to Combray there was no one I knew better than Françoise. +We were her favourites, and in the first years at least, while she shewed +the same consideration for us as for my aunt, she enjoyed us with a keener +relish, because we had, in addition to our dignity as part of 'the family' +(for she had for those invisible bonds by which community of blood unites +the members of a family as much respect as any Greek tragedian), the fresh +charm of not being her customary employers. And so with what joy would +she welcome us, with what sorrow complain that the weather was still so +bad for us, on the day of our arrival, just before Easter, when there was +often an icy wind; while Mamma inquired after her daughter and her +nephews, and if her grandson was good-looking, and what they were going to +make of him, and whether he took after his granny. + +Later, when no one else was in the room, Mamma, who knew that Françoise +was still mourning for her parents, who had been dead for years, would +speak of them kindly, asking her endless little questions about them and +their lives. + +She had guessed that Françoise was not over-fond of her son-in-law, and +that he spoiled the pleasure she found in visiting her daughter, as the +two could not talk so freely when he was there. And so one day, when +Françoise was going to their house, some miles from Combray, Mamma said to +her, with a smile: "Tell me, Françoise, if Julien has had to go away, and +you have Marguerite to yourself all day, you will be very sorry, but will +make the best of it, won't you?" + +And Françoise answered, laughing: "Madame knows everything; Madame is +worse than the X-rays" (she pronounced 'x' with an affectation of +difficulty and with a smile in deprecation of her, an unlettered woman's, +daring to employ a scientific term) "they brought here for Mme. Octave, +which see what is in your heart"--and she went off, disturbed that anyone +should be caring about her, perhaps anxious that we should not see her in +tears: Mamma was the first person who had given her the pleasure of +feeling that her peasant existence, with its simple joys and sorrows, +might offer some interest, might be a source of grief or pleasure to some +one other than herself. + +My aunt resigned herself to doing without Françoise to some extent during +our visits, knowing how much my mother appreciated the services of so +active and intelligent a maid, one who looked as smart at five o'clock in +the morning in her kitchen, under a cap whose stiff and dazzling frills +seemed to be made of porcelain, as when dressed for churchgoing; who did +everything in the right way, who toiled like a horse, whether she was well +or ill, but without noise, without the appearance of doing anything; the +only one of my aunt's maids who when Mamma asked for hot water or black +coffee would bring them actually boiling; she was one of those servants +who in a household seem least satisfactory, at first, to a stranger, +doubtless because they take no pains to make a conquest of him and shew +him no special attention, knowing very well that they have no real need of +him, that he will cease to be invited to the house sooner than they will +be dismissed from it; who, on the other hand, cling with most fidelity to +those masters and mistresses who have tested and proved their real +capacity, and do not look for that superficial responsiveness, that +slavish affability, which may impress a stranger favourably, but often +conceals an utter barrenness of spirit in which no amount of training can +produce the least trace of individuality. + +When Françoise, having seen that my parents had everything they required, +first went upstairs again to give my aunt her pepsin and to find out from +her what she would take for luncheon, very few mornings pased but she was +called upon to give an opinion, or to furnish an explanation, in regard to +some important event. + +"Just fancy, Françoise, Mme. Goupil went by more than a quarter of an hour +late to fetch her sister: if she loses any more time on the way I should +not be at all surprised if she got in after the Elevation." + +"Well, there'd be nothing wonderful in that," would be the answer. Or: + +"Françoise, if you had come in five minutes ago, you would have seen Mme. +Imbert go past with some asparagus twice the size of what mother Callot +has: do try to find out from her cook where she got them. You know you've +been putting asparagus in all your sauces this spring; you might be able +to get some like these for our visitors." + +"I shouldn't be surprised if they came from the Curé's," Françoise would +say, and: + +"I'm sure you wouldn't, my poor Françoise," my aunt would reply, raising +her shoulders. "From the Curé's, indeed! You know quite well that he can +never grow anything but wretched little twigs of asparagus, not asparagus +at all. I tell you these ones were as thick as my arm. Not your arm, of +course, but my-poor arm, which has grown so much thinner again this year." +Or: + +"Françoise, didn't you hear that bell just now! It split my head." + +"No, Mme. Octave." + +"Ah, poor girl, your skull must be very thick; you may thank God for that. +It was Maguelone come to fetch Dr. Piperaud. He came out with her at once +and they went off along the Rue de l'Oiseau. There must be some child +ill." + +"Oh dear, dear; the poor little creature!" would come with a sigh from +Françoise, who could not hear of any calamity befalling a person unknown +to her, even in some distant part of the world, without beginning to +lament. Or: + +"Françoise, for whom did they toll the passing-bell just now? Oh dear, of +course, it would be for Mme. Rousseau. And to think that I had forgotten +that she passed away the other night. Indeed, it is time the Lord called +me home too; I don't know what has become of my head since I lost my poor +Octave. But I am wasting your time, my good girl." + +"Indeed no, Mme. Octave, my time is not so precious; whoever made our time +didn't sell it to us. I am just going to see that my fire hasn't gone +out." + +In this way Françoise and my aunt made a critical valuation between them, +in the course of these morning sessions, of the earliest happenings of the +day. But sometimes these happenings assumed so mysterious or so alarming +an air that my aunt felt she could not wait until it was time for +Françoise to come upstairs, and then a formidable and quadruple peal would +resound through the house. + +"But, Mme. Octave, it is not time for your pepsin," Françoise would begin. +"Are you feeling faint?" + +"No, thank you, Françoise," my aunt would reply, "that is to say, yes; for +you know well that there is very seldom a time when I don't feel faint; +one day I shall pass away like Mme. Rousseau, before I know where I am; +but that is not why I rang. Would you believe that I have just seen, as +plainly as I see you, Mme. Goupil with a little girl I didn't know at all. +Run and get a pennyworth of salt from Camus. It's not often that Théodore +can't tell you who a person is." + +"But that must be M. Pupin's daughter," Françoise would say, preferring to +stick to an immediate explanation, since she had been perhaps twice +already into Camus's shop that morning. + +"M. Pupin's daughter! Oh, that's a likely story, my poor Françoise. Do +you think I should not have recognised M. Pupin's daughter!" + +"But I don't mean the big one, Mme. Octave; I mean the little girl, he one +who goes to school at Jouy. I seem to have seen her once already his +morning." + +"Oh, if that's what it is!" my aunt would say, "she must have come over +for the holidays. Yes, that is it. No need to ask, she will have come over +for the holidays. But then we shall soon see Mme. Sazerat come along and +ring her sister's door-bell, for her luncheon. That will be it! I saw the +boy from Galopin's go by with a tart. You will see that the tart was for +Mme. Goupil." + +"Once Mme. Goupil has anyone in the house, Mme. Octave, you won't be long +in seeing all her folk going in to their luncheon there, for it's not so +early as it was," would be the answer, for Françoise, who was anxious to +retire downstairs to look after our own meal, was not sorry to leave my +aunt with the prospect of such a distraction. + +"Oh! not before midday!" my aunt would reply in a tone of resignation, +darting an uneasy glance at the clock, but stealthily, so as not to let it +be seen that she, who had renounced all earthly joys, yet found a keen +satisfaction in learning that Mme. Goupil was expecting company to +luncheon, though, alas, she must wait a little more than an hour still +before enjoying the spectacle. "And it will come in the middle of my +luncheon!" she would murmur to herself. Her luncheon was such a +distraction in itself that she did not like any other to come at the same +time. "At least, you will not forget to give me my creamed eggs on one of +the flat plates?" These were the only plates which had pictures on them +and my aunt used to amuse herself at every meal by reading the description +on whichever might have been sent up to her. She would put on her +spectacles and spell out: "Ali Baba and the Forty Thieves," "Aladdin, or +the Wonderful Lamp," and smile, and say "Very good indeed." + +"I may as well go across to Camus..." Françoise would hazard, seeing that +my aunt had no longer any intention of sending her there. + +"No, no; it's not worth while now; it's certain to be the Pupin girl. My +poor Françoise, I am sorry to have made you come upstairs for nothing." + +But it was not for nothing, as my aunt well knew, that she had rung for +Françoise, since at Combray a person whom one 'didn't know at all' was as +incredible a being as any mythological deity, and it was apt to be +forgotten that after each occasion on which there had appeared in the Rue +du Saint-Esprit or in the Square one of these bewildering phenomena, +careful and exhaustive researches had invariably reduced the fabulous +monster to the proportions of a person whom one 'did know,' either +personally or in the abstract, in his or her civil status as being more or +less closely related to some family in Combray. It would turn out to be +Mme. Sauton's son discharged from the army, or the Abbé Perdreau's niece +come home from her convent, or the Curé's brother, a tax-collector at +Châteaudun, who had just retired on a pension or had come over to Combray +for the holidays. On first noticing them you have been impressed by the +thought that there might be in Combray people whom you 'didn't know at +all,' simply because, you had failed to recognise or identify them at +once. And yet long beforehand Mme. Sauton and the Curé had given warning +that they expected their 'strangers.' In the evening, when I came in and +went upstairs to tell my aunt the incidents of our walk, if I was rash +enough to say to her that we had passed, near the Pont-Vieux, a man whom +my grandfather didn't know: + +"A man grandfather didn't know at all!" she would exclaim. "That's a +likely story." None the less, she would be a little disturbed by the news, +she would wish to have the details correctly, and so my grandfather would +be summoned. "Who can it have been that you passed near the Pont-Vieux, +uncle? A man you didn't know at all?" + +"Why, of course I did," my grandfather would answer; "it was Prosper, Mme. +Bouilleboeuf's gardener's brother." + +"Ah, well!" my aunt would say, calm again but slightly flushed still; "and +the boy told me that you had passed a man you didn't know at all!" After +which I would be warned to be more careful of what I said, and not to +upset my aunt so by thoughtless remarks. Everyone was so well known in +Combray, animals as well as people, that if my aunt had happened to see a +dog go by which she 'didn't know at all' she would think about it +incessantly, devoting to the solution of the incomprehensible problem all +her inductive talent and her leisure hours. + +"That will be Mme. Sazerat's dog," Françoise would suggest, without any +real conviction, but in the hope of peace, and so that my aunt should not +'split her head.' + +"As if I didn't know Mme. Sazerat's dog!"--for my aunt's critical mind +would not so easily admit any fresh fact. + +"Ah, but that will be the new dog M. Galopin has brought her from +Lisieux." + +"Oh, if that's what it is!" + +"It seems, it's a most engaging animal," Françoise would go on, having got +the story from Théodore, "as clever as a Christian, always in a good +temper, always friendly, always everything that's nice. It's not often you +see an animal so well-behaved at that age. Mme. Octave, it's high time I +left you; I can't afford to stay here amusing myself; look, it's nearly +ten o'clock and my fire not lighted yet, and I've still to dress the +asparagus." + +"What, Françoise, more asparagus! It's a regular disease of asparagus you +have got this year: you will make our Parisians sick of it." + +"No, no, Madame Octave, they like it well enough. They'll be coming back +from church soon as hungry as hunters, and they won't eat it out of the +back of their spoons, you'll see." + +"Church! why, they must be there now; you'd better not lose any time. Go +and look after your luncheon." + +While my aunt gossiped on in this way with Françoise I would have +accompanied my parents to mass. How I loved it: how clearly I can see it +still, our church at Combray! The old porch by which we went in, black, +and full of holes as a cullender, was worn out of shape and deeply +furrowed at the sides (as also was the holy water stoup to which it led +us) just as if the gentle grazing touch of the cloaks of peasant-women +going into the church, and of their fingers dipping into the water, had +managed by agelong repetition to acquire a destructive force, to impress +itself on the stone, to carve ruts in it like those made by cart-wheels +upon stone gate-posts against which they are driven every day. Its +memorial stones, beneath which the noble dust of the Abbots of Combray, +who were buried there, furnished the choir with a sort of spiritual +pavement, were themselves no longer hard and lifeless matter, for time had +softened and sweetened them, and had made them melt like honey and flow +beyond their proper margins, either surging out in a milky, frothing wave, +washing from its place a florid gothic capital, drowning the white violets +of the marble floor; or else reabsorbed into their limits, contracting +still further a crabbed Latin inscription, bringing a fresh touch of +fantasy into the arrangement of its curtailed characters, closing together +two letters of some word of which the rest were disproportionately +scattered. Its windows were never so brilliant as on days when the sun +scarcely shone, so that if it was dull outside you might be certain of +fine weather in church. One of them was filled from top to bottom by a +solitary figure, like the king on a playing-card, who lived up there +beneath his canopy of stone, between earth and heaven; and in the blue +light of its slanting shadow, on weekdays sometimes, at noon, when there +was no service (at one of those rare moments when the airy, empty church, +more human somehow and more luxurious with the sun shewing off all its +rich furnishings, seemed to have almost a habitable air, like the +hall--all sculptured stone and painted glass--of some mediaeval mansion), +you might see Mme. Sazerat kneel for an instant, laying down on the chair +beside her own a neatly corded parcel of little cakes which she had just +bought at the baker's and was taking home for her luncheon. In another, a +mountain of rosy snow, at whose foot a battle was being fought, seemed to +have frozen the window also, which it swelled and distorted with its +cloudy sleet, like a pane to which snowflakes have drifted and clung, but +flakes illumined by a sunrise--the same, doubtless, which purpled the +reredos of the altar with tints so fresh that they seemed rather to be +thrown on it for a moment by a light shining from outside and shortly to +be extinguished than painted and permanently fastened on the stone. And +all of them were so old that you could see, here and there, their silvery +antiquity sparkling with the dust of centuries and shewing in its +threadbare brilliance the very cords of their lovely tapestry of glass. +There was one among them which was a tall panel composed of a hundred +little rectangular windows, of blue principally, like a great game of +patience of the kind planned to beguile King Charles VI; but, either +because a ray of sunlight had gleamed through it or because my own +shifting vision had drawn across the window, whose colours died away and +were rekindled by turns, a rare and transient fire--the next instant it +had taken on all the iridescence of a peacock's tail, then shook and +wavered in a flaming and fantastic shower, distilled and dropping from the +groin of the dark and rocky vault down the moist walls, as though it were +along the bed of some rainbow grotto of sinuous stalactites that I was +following my parents, who marched before me, their prayer-books clasped in +their hands; a moment later the little lozenge windows had put on the deep +transparence, the unbreakable hardness of sapphires clustered on some +enormous breastplate; but beyond which could be distinguished, dearer than +all such treasures, a fleeting smile from the sun, which could be seen and +felt as well here, in the blue and gentle flood in which it washed the +masonry, as on the pavement of the Square or the straw of the +market-place; and even on our first Sundays, when we came down before +Easter, it would console me for the blackness and bareness of the earth +outside by making burst into blossom, as in some springtime in old history +among the heirs of Saint Louis, this dazzling and gilded carpet of +forget-me-nots in glass. + +Two tapestries of high warp represented the coronation of Esther (in which +tradition would have it that the weaver had given to Ahasuerus the +features of one of the kings of France and to Esther those of a lady of +Guermantes whose lover he had been); their colours had melted into one +another, so as to add expression, relief, light to the pictures. A touch +of red over the lips of Esther had strayed beyond their outline; the +yellow on her dress was spread with such unctuous plumpness as to have +acquired a kind of solidity, and stood boldly out from the receding +atmosphere; while the green of the trees, which was still bright in Silk +and wool among the lower parts of the panel, but had quite 'gone' at the +top, separated in a paler scheme, above the dark trunks, the yellowing +upper branches, tanned and half-obliterated by the sharp though sidelong +rays of an invisible sun. All these things and, still more than these, the +treasures which had come to the church from personages who to me were +almost legendary figures (such as the golden cross wrought, it was said, +by Saint Eloi and presented by Dagobert, and the tomb of the sons of Louis +the Germanic in porphyry and enamelled copper), because of which I used to +go forward into the church when we were making our way to our chairs as +into a fairy-haunted valley, where the rustic sees with amazement on a +rock, a tree, a marsh, the tangible proofs of the little people's +supernatural passage--all these things made of the church for me something +entirely different from the rest of the town; a building which occupied, +so to speak, four dimensions of space--the name of the fourth being +Time--which had sailed the centuries with that old nave, where bay after +bay, chapel after chapel, seemed to stretch across and hold down and +conquer not merely a few yards of soil, but each successive epoch from +which the whole building had emerged triumphant, hiding the rugged +barbarities of the eleventh century in the thickness of its walls, through +which nothing could be seen of the heavy arches, long stopped and blinded +with coarse blocks of ashlar, except where, near the porch, a deep groove +was furrowed into one wall by the tower-stair; and even there the +barbarity was veiled by the graceful gothic arcade which pressed +coquettishly upon it, like a row of grown-up sisters who, to hide him from +the eyes of strangers, arrange themselves smilingly in front of a +countrified, unmannerly and ill-dressed younger brother; rearing into the +sky above the Square a tower which had looked down upon Saint Louis, and +seemed to behold him still; and thrusting down with its crypt into the +blackness of a Merovingian night, through which, guiding us with groping +finger-tips beneath the shadowy vault, ribbed strongly as an immense bat's +wing of stone, Théodore or his sister would light up for us with a candle +the tomb of Sigebert's little daughter, in which a deep hole, like the bed +of a fossil, had been bored, or so it was said, "by a crystal lamp which, +on the night when the Frankish princess was murdered, had left, of its own +accord, the golden chains by which it was suspended where the apse is +to-day and with neither the crystal broken nor the light extinguished had +buried itself in the stone, through which it had gently forced its way." + +And then the apse of Combray: what am I to say of that? It was so coarse, +so devoid of artistic beauty, even of the religious spirit. From outside, +since the street crossing which it commanded was on a lower level, its +great wall was thrust upwards from a basement of unfaced ashlar, jagged +with flints, in all of which there was nothing particularly +ecclesiastical; the windows seemed to have been pierced at an abnormal +height, and its whole appearance was that of a prison wall rather than of +a church. And certainly in later years, were I to recall all the glorious +apses that I had seen, it would never enter my mind to compare with any +one of them the apse of Combray. Only, one day, turning out of a little +street in some country town, I came upon three alley-ways that converged, +and facing them an old wall, rubbed, worn, crumbling, and unusually high; +with windows pierced in it far overhead and the same asymmetrical +appearance as the apse of Combray. And at that moment I did not say to +myself, as at Chartres I might have done or at Rheims, with what strength +the religious feeling had been expressed in its construction, but +instinctively I exclaimed "The Church!" + +The church! A dear, familiar friend; close pressed in the Rue +Saint-Hilaire, upon which its north door opened, by its two neighbours, +Mme. Loiseau's house and the pharmacy of M. Rapin, against which its +walls rested without interspace; a simple citizen of Combray, who might +have had her number in the street had the streets of Combray borne +numbers, and at whose door one felt that the postman ought to stop on his +morning rounds, before going into Mme. Loiseau's and after leaving M. +Rapin's, there existed, for all that, between the church and everything in +Combray that was not the church a clear line of demarcation which I have +never succeeded in eliminating from my mind. In vain might Mme. Loiseau +deck her window-sills with fuchsias, which developed the bad habit of +letting their branches trail at all times and in all directions, head +downwards, and whose flowers had no more important business, when they +were big enough to taste the joys of life, than to go and cool their +purple, congested cheeks against the dark front of the church; to me such +conduct sanctified the fuchsias not at all; between the flowers and the +blackened stones towards which they leaned, if my eyes could discern no +interval, my mind preserved the impression of an abyss. + +From a long way off one could distinguish and identify the steeple of +Saint-Hilaire inscribing its unforgettable form upon a horizon beneath +which Combray had not yet appeared; when from the train which brought us +down from Paris at Easter-time my father caught sight of it, as it slipped +into every fold of the sky in turn, its little iron cock veering +continually in all directions, he would say: "Come, get your wraps +together, we are there." And on one of the longest walks we ever took from +Combray there was a spot where the narrow road emerged suddenly on to an +immense plain, closed at the horizon by strips of forest over which rose +and stood alone the fine point of Saint-Hilaire's steeple, but so +sharpened and so pink that it seemed to be no more than sketched on the +sky by the finger-nail of a painter anxious to give to such a landscape, +to so pure a piece of 'nature,' this little sign of art, this single +indication of human existence. As one drew near it and could make out the +remains of the square tower, half in ruins, which still stood by its side, +though without rivalling it in height, one was struck, first of all, by +the tone, reddish and sombre, of its stones; and on a misty morning in +autumn one would have called it, to see it rising above the violet +thunder-cloud of the vineyards, a ruin of purple, almost the colour of the +wild vine. + +Often in the Square, as we came home, my grandmother would make me stop to +look up at it. From the tower windows, placed two and two, one pair above +another, with that right and original proportion in their spacing to which +not only human faces owe their beauty and dignity, it released, it let +fall at regular intervals flights of jackdaws which for a little while +would wheel and caw, as though the ancient stones which allowed them to +sport thus and never seemed to see them, becoming of a sudden +uninhabitable and discharging some infinitely disturbing element, had +struck them and driven them forth. Then after patterning everywhere the +violet velvet of the evening air, abruptly soothed, they would return and +be absorbed in the tower, deadly no longer but benignant, some perching +here and there (not seeming to move, but snapping, perhaps, and swallowing +some passing insect) on the points of turrets, as a seagull perches, with +an angler's immobility, on the crest of a wave. Without quite knowing why, +my grandmother found in the steeple of Saint-Hilaire that absence of +vulgarity, pretension, and meanness which made her love--and deem rich in +beneficent influences--nature itself, when the hand of man had not, as did +my great-aunt's gardener, trimmed it, and the works of genius. And +certainly every part one saw of the church served to distinguish the whole +from any other building by a kind of general feeling which pervaded it, +but it was in the steeple that the church seemed to display a +consciousness of itself, to affirm its individual and responsible +existence. It was the steeple which spoke for the church. I think, too, +that in a confused way my grandmother found in the steeple of Combray what +she prized above anything else in the world, namely, a natural air and an +air of distinction. Ignorant of architecture, she would say: + +"My dears, laugh at me if you like; it is not conventionally beautiful, +but there is something in its quaint old face which pleases me. If it +could play the piano, I am sure it would really _play_." And when she +gazed on it, when her eyes followed the gentle tension, the fervent +inclination of its stony slopes which drew together as they rose, like +hands joined in prayer, she would absorb herself so utterly in the +outpouring of the spire that her gaze seemed to leap upwards with it; her +lips at the same time curving in a friendly smile for the worn old stones +of which the setting sun now illumined no more than the topmost pinnacles, +which, at the point where they entered that zone of sunlight and were +softened and sweetened by it, seemed to have mounted suddenly far higher, +to have become truly remote, like a song whose singer breaks into +falsetto, an octave above the accompanying air. + +It was the steeple of Saint-Hilaire which shaped and crowned and +consecrated every occupation, every hour of the day, every point of view +in the town. From my bedroom window I could discern no more than its base, +which had been freshly covered with slates; but when on Sundays I saw +these, in the hot light of a summer morning, blaze like a black sun I +would say to myself: "Good heavens! nine o'clock! I must get ready for +mass at once if I am to have time to go in and kiss aunt Léonie first," +and I would know exactly what was the colour of the sunlight upon the +Square, I could feel the heat and dust of the market, the shade behind the +blinds of the shop into which Mamma would perhaps go on her way to mass, +penetrating its odour of unbleached calico, to purchase a handkerchief or +something, of which the draper himself would let her see what he had, +bowing from the waist: who, having made everything ready for shutting up, +had just gone into the back shop to put on his Sunday coat and to wash his +hands, which it was his habit, every few minutes and even on the saddest +occasions, to rub one against the other with an air of enterprise, +cunning, and success. + +And again, after mass, when we looked in to tell Théodore to bring a +larger loaf than usual because our cousins had taken advantage of the fine +weather to come over from Thiberzy for luncheon, we had in front of us the +steeple, which, baked and brown itself like a larger loaf still of 'holy +bread,' with flakes and sticky drops on it of sunlight, pricked its sharp +point into the blue sky. And in the evening, as I came in from my walk and +thought of the approaching moment when I must say good night to my mother +and see her no more, the steeple was by contrast so kindly, there at the +close of day, that I would imagine it as being laid, like a brown velvet +cushion, against--as being thrust into the pallid sky which had yielded +beneath its pressure, had sunk slightly so as to make room for it, and had +correspondingly risen on either side; while the cries of the birds +wheeling to and fro about it seemed to intensify its silence, to elongate +its spire still further, and to invest it with some quality beyond the +power of words. + +Even when our errands lay in places behind the church, from which it could +not be seen, the view seemed always to have been composed with reference +to the steeple, which would stand up, now here, now there, among the +houses, and was perhaps even more affecting when it appeared thus without +the church. And, indeed, there are many others which look best when seen +in this way, and I can call to mind vignettes of housetops with +surmounting steeples in quite another category of art than those formed by +the dreary streets of Combray. I shall never forget, in a quaint Norman +town not far from Balbec, two charming eighteenth-century houses, dear to +me and venerable for many reasons, between which, when one looks up at +them from a fine garden which descends in terraces to the river, the +gothic spire of a church (itself hidden by the houses) soars into the sky +with the effect of crowning and completing their fronts, but in a material +so different, so precious, so beringed, so rosy, so polished, that it is +at once seen to be no more a part of them than would be a part of two +pretty pebbles lying side by side, between which it had been washed on the +beach, the purple, crinkled spire of some sea-shell spun out into a turret +and gay with glossy colour. Even in Paris, in one of the ugliest parts of +the town, I know a window from which one can see across a first, a second, +and even a third layer of jumbled roofs, street beyond street, a violet +bell, sometimes ruddy, sometimes too, in the finest 'prints' which the +atmosphere makes of it, of an ashy solution of black; which is, in fact, +nothing else than the dome of Saint-Augustin, and which imparts to this +view of Paris the character of some of the Piranesi views of Rome. But +since into none of these little etchings, whatever the taste my memory may +have been able to bring to their execution, was it able to contribute an +element I have long lost, the feeling which makes us not merely regard a +thing as a spectacle, but believe in it as in a creature without parallel, +so none of them keeps in dependence on it a whole section of my inmost +life as does the memory of those aspects of the steeple of Combray from +the streets behind the church. Whether one saw it at five o'clock when +going to call for letters at the post-office, some doors away from one, on +the left, raising abruptly with its isolated peak the ridge of housetops; +or again, when one had to go in and ask for news of Mme. Sazerat, one's +eyes followed the line where it ran low again beyond the farther, +descending slope, and one knew that it would be the second turning after +the steeple; or yet again, if pressing further afield one went to the +station, one saw it obliquely, shewing in profile fresh angles and +surfaces, like a solid body surprised at some unknown point in its +revolution; or, from the banks of the Vivonne, the apse, drawn muscularly +together and heightened in perspective, seemed to spring upwards with the +effort which the steeple made to hurl its spire-point into the heart of +heaven: it was always to the steeple that one must return, always it which +dominated everything else, summing up the houses with an unexpected +pinnacle, raised before me like the Finger of God, Whose Body might have +been concealed below among the crowd of human bodies without fear of my +confounding It, for that reason, with them. And so even to-day in any +large provincial town, or in a quarter of Paris which I do not know well, +if a passer-by who is 'putting me on the right road' shews me from afar, +as a point to aim at, some belfry of a hospital, or a convent steeple +lifting the peak of its ecclesiastical cap at the corner of the street +which I am to take, my memory need only find in it some dim resemblance to +that dear and vanished outline, and the passer-by, should he turn round to +make sure that I have not gone astray, would see me, to his astonishment, +oblivious of the walk that I had planned to take or the place where I was +obliged to call, standing still on the spot, before that steeple, for +hours on end, motionless, trying to remember, feeling deep within myself a +tract of soil reclaimed from the waters of Lethe slowly drying until the +buildings rise on it again; and then no doubt, and then more uneasily than +when, just now, I asked him for a direction, I will seek my way again, I +will turn a corner... but... the goal is in my heart... + +On our way home from mass we would often meet M. Legrandin, who, detained +in Paris by his professional duties as an engineer, could only (except in +the regular holiday seasons) visit his home at Combray between Saturday +evenings and Monday mornings. He was one of that class of men who, apart +from a scientific career in which they may well have proved brilliantly +successful, have acquired an entirely different kind of culture, literary +or artistic, of which they make no use in the specialised work of their +profession, but by which their conversation profits. More 'literary' than +many 'men of letters' (we were not aware at this period that M. Legrandin +had a distinct reputation as a writer, and so were greatly astonished to +find that a well-known composer had set some verses of his to music), +endowed with a greater ease in execution than many painters, they imagine +that the life they are obliged to lead is not that for which they are +really fitted, and they bring to their regular occupations either a +fantastic indifference or a sustained and lofty application, scornful, +bitter, and conscientious. Tall, with a good figure, a fine, thoughtful +face, drooping fair moustaches, a look of disillusionment in his blue +eyes, an almost exaggerated refinement of courtesy; a talker such as we +had never heard; he was in the sight of my family, who never ceased to +quote him as an example, the very pattern of a gentleman, who took life in +the noblest and most delicate manner. My grandmother alone found fault +with him for speaking a little too well, a little too much like a book, +for not using a vocabulary as natural as his loosely knotted Lavallière +neckties, his short, straight, almost schoolboyish coat. She was +astonished, too, at the furious invective which he was always launching at +the aristocracy, at fashionable life, and 'snobbishness'--"undoubtedly," +he would say, "the sin of which Saint Paul is thinking when he speaks of +the sin for which there is no forgiveness." + +Worldly ambition was a thing which my grandmother was so little capable of +feeling, or indeed of understanding, that it seemed to her futile to apply +so much heat to its condemnation. Besides, she thought it in not very good +taste that M. Legrandin, whose sister was married to a country gentleman +of Lower Normandy near Balbec, should deliver himself of such violent +attacks upon the nobles, going so far as to blame the Revolution for not +having guillotined them all. + +"Well met, my friends!" he would say as he came towards us. "You are lucky +to spend so much time here; to-morrow I have to go back to Paris, to +squeeze back into my niche. + +"Oh, I admit," he went on, with his own peculiar smile, gently ironical, +disillusioned and vague, "I have every useless thing in the world in my +house there. The only thing wanting is the necessary thing, a great patch +of open sky like this. Always try to keep a patch of sky above your life, +little boy," he added, turning to me. "You have a soul in you of rare +quality, an artist's nature; never let it starve for lack of what it +needs." + +When, on our reaching the house, my aunt would send to ask us whether Mme. +Goupil had indeed arrived late for mass, not one of us could inform her. +Instead, we increased her anxiety by telling her that there was a painter +at work in the church copying the window of Gilbert the Bad. Françoise +was at once dispatched to the grocer's, but returned empty-handed owing to +the absence of Théodore, whose dual profession of choirman, with a part in +the maintenance of the fabric, and of grocer's assistant gave him not only +relations with all sections of society, but an encyclopaedic knowledge of +their affairs. + +"Ah!" my aunt would sigh, "I wish it were time for Eulalie to come. She +is really the only person who will be able to tell me." + +Eulalie was a limping, energetic, deaf spinster who had 'retired' after +the death of Mme. de la Bretonnerie, with whom she had been in service +from her childhood, and had then taken a room beside the church, from +which she would incessantly emerge, either to attend some service, or, +when there was no service, to say a prayer by herself or to give Théodore +a hand; the rest of her time she spent in visiting sick persons like my +aunt Léonie, to whom she would relate everything that had occurred at mass +or vespers. She was not above adding occasional pocket-money to the little +income which was found for her by the family of her old employers by going +from time to time to look after the Curé's linen, or that of some other +person of note in the clerical world of Combray. Above a mantle of black +cloth she wore a little white coif that seemed almost to attach her to +some Order, and an infirmity of the skin had stained part of her cheeks +and her crooked nose the bright red colour of balsam. Her visits were the +one great distraction in the life of my aunt Léonie, who now saw hardly +anyone else, except the reverend Curé. My aunt had by degrees erased every +other visitor's name from her list, because they all committed the fatal +error, in her eyes, of falling into one or other of the two categories of +people she most detested. One group, the worse of the two, and the one of +which she rid herself first, consisted of those who advised her not to +take so much care of herself, and preached (even if only negatively and +with no outward signs beyond an occasional disapproving silence or +doubting smile) the subversive doctrine that a sharp walk in the sun and a +good red beefsteak would do her more good (her, who had had two dreadful +sips of Vichy water on her stomach for fourteen hours!) than all her +medicine bottles and her bed. The other category was composed of people +who appeared to believe that she was more seriously ill than she thought, +in fact that she was as seriously ill as she said. And so none of those +whom she had allowed upstairs to her room, after considerable +hesitation and at Franchise's urgent request, and who in the course of +their visit had shewn how unworthy they were of the honour which had been +done them by venturing a timid: "Don't you think that if you were just to +stir out a little on really fine days...?" or who, on the other hand, when +she said to them: "I am very low, very low; nearing the end, dear +friends!" had replied: "Ah, yes, when one has no strength left! Still, you +may last a while yet"; each party alike might be certain that her doors +would never open to them again. And if Françoise was amused by the look of +consternation on my aunt's face whenever she saw, from her bed, any of +these people in the Rue du Saint-Esprit, who looked as if they were coming +to see her, or heard her own door-bell ring, she would laugh far more +heartily, as at a clever trick, at my aunt's devices (which never failed) +for having them sent away, and at their look of discomfiture when they had +to turn back without having seen her; and would be filled with secret +admiration for her mistress, whom she felt to be superior to all these +other people, inasmuch as she could and did contrive not to see them. In +short, my aunt stipulated, at one and the same time, that whoever came to +see her must approve of her way of life, commiserate with her in her +sufferings, and assure her of an ultimate recovery. + +In all this Eulalie excelled. My aunt might say to her twenty times in a +minute: "The end is come at last, my poor Eulalie!", twenty times Eulalie +would retort with: "Knowing your illness as you do, Mme. Octave, you will +live to be a hundred, as Mme. Sazerin said to me only yesterday." For one +of Eulalie's most rooted beliefs, and one that the formidable list of +corrections which her experience must have compiled was powerless to +eradicate, was that Mme. Sazerat's name was really Mme. Sazerin. + +"I do not ask to live to a hundred," my aunt would say, for she preferred +to have no definite limit fixed to the number of her days. + +And since, besides this, Eulalie knew, as no one else knew, how to +distract my aunt without tiring her, her visits, which took place +regularly every Sunday, unless something unforeseen occurred to prevent +them, were for my aunt a pleasure the prospect of which kept her on those +days in a state of expectation, appetising enough to begin with, but at +once changing to the agony of a hunger too long unsatisfied if Eulalie +were a minute late in coming. For, if unduly prolonged, the rapture of +waiting for Eulalie became a torture, and my aunt would never cease from +looking at the time, and yawning, and complaining of each of her symptoms +in turn. Eulalie's ring, if it sounded from the front door at the very end +of the day, when she was no longer expecting it, would almost make her +ill. For the fact was that on Sundays she thought of nothing else than +this visit, and the moment that our luncheon was ended Françoise would +become impatient for us to leave the dining-room so that she might go +upstairs to 'occupy' my aunt. But--and this more than ever from the day on +which fine weather definitely set in at Combray--the proud hour °f noon, +descending from the steeple of Saint-Hilaire which it blazoned for a +moment with the twelve points of its sonorous crown, would long have +echoed about our table, beside the 'holy bread,' which too had come in, +after church, in its familiar way; and we would still be found seated in +front of our Arabian Nights plates, weighed down by the heat of the day, +and even more by our heavy meal. For upon the permanent foundation of +eggs, cutlets, potatoes, preserves, and biscuits, whose appearance on the +table she no longer announced to us, Françoise would add--as the labour of +fields and orchards, the harvest of the tides, the luck of the markets, +the kindness of neighbours, and her own genius might provide; and so +effectively that our bill of fare, like the quatrefoils that were carved +on the porches of cathedrals in the thirteenth century, reflected to some +extent the march of the seasons and the incidents of human life--a brill, +because the fish-woman had guaranteed its freshness; a turkey, because she +had seen a beauty in the market at Roussainville-le-Pin; cardoons with +marrow, because she had never done them for us in that way before; a roast +leg of mutton, because the fresh air made one hungry and there would be +plenty of time for it to 'settle down' in the seven hours before dinner; +spinach, by way of a change; apricots, because they were still hard to +get; gooseberries, because in another fortnight there would be none left; +raspberries, which M. Swann had brought specially; cherries, the first to +come from the cherry-tree, which had yielded none for the last two years; +a cream cheese, of which in those days I was extremely fond; an almond +cake, because she had ordered one the evening before; a fancy loaf, +because it was our turn to 'offer' the holy bread. And when all these had +been eaten, a work composed expressly for ourselves, but dedicated more +particularly to my father, who had a fondness for such things, a cream of +chocolate, inspired in the mind, created by the hand of Françoise, would +be laid before us, light and fleeting as an 'occasional piece' of music, +into which she had poured the whole of her talent. Anyone who refused to +partake of it, saying: "No, thank you, I have finished; I am not hungry," +would at once have been lowered to the level of the Philistines who, when +an artist makes them a present of one of his works, examine its weight and +material, whereas what is of value is the creator's intention and his +signature. To have left even the tiniest morsel in the dish would have +shewn as much discourtesy as to rise and leave a concert hall while the +'piece' was still being played, and under the composer's-very eyes. + +At length my mother would say to me: "Now, don't stay here all day; you +can go up to your room if you are too hot outside, but get a little fresh +air first; don't start reading immediately after your food." + +And I would go and sit down beside the pump and its trough, ornamented +here and there, like a gothic font, with a salamander, which modelled upon +a background of crumbling stone the quick relief of its slender, +allegorical body; on the bench without a back, in the shade of a +lilac-tree, in that little corner of the garden which communicated, by a +service door, with the Rue du Saint-Esprit, and from whose neglected soil +rose, in two stages, an outcrop from the house itself and apparently a +separate building, my aunt's back-kitchen. One could see its red-tiled +floor gleaming like porphyry. It seemed not so much the cave of +Françoise as a little temple of Venus. It would be overflowing with the +offerings of the milkman, the fruiterer, the greengrocer, come sometimes +from distant villages to dedicate here the first-fruits of their fields. +And its roof was always surmounted by the cooing of a dove. + +In earlier days I would not have lingered in the sacred grove which +surrounded this temple, for, before going upstairs to read, I would steal +into the little sitting-room which my uncle Adolphe, a brother of my +grandfather and an old soldier who had retired from the service as a +major, used to occupy on the ground floor, a room which, even when its +opened windows let in the heat, if not actually the rays of the sun which +seldom penetrated so far, would never fail to emit that vague and yet +fresh odour, suggesting at once an open-air and an old-fashioned kind of +existence, which sets and keeps the nostrils dreaming when one goes into a +disused gun-room. But for some years now I had not gone into my uncle +Adolphe's room, since he no longer came to Combray on account of a quarrel +which had arisen between him and my family, by my fault, and in the +following circumstances: Once or twice every month, in Paris, I used to be +sent to pay him a. visit, as he was finishing his luncheon, wearing a +plain alpaca coat, and waited upon by his servant in a working-jacket of +striped linen, purple and white. He would complain that I had not been to +see him for a long time; that he was being neglected; he would offer me a +marchpane or a tangerine, and we would cross a room in which no one ever +sat, whose fire was never lighted, whose walls were picked out with gilded +mouldings, its ceiling painted blue in imitation of the sky, and its +furniture upholstered in satin, as at my grandparents', only yellow; then +we would enter what he called his 'study,' a room whose walls were hung +with prints which shewed, against a dark background, a plump and rosy +goddess driving a car, or standing upon a globe, or wearing a star on her +brow; pictures which were popular under the Second Empire because there +was thought to be something about them that suggested Pompeii, which were +then generally despised, and which now people are beginning to collect +again for one single and consistent reason (despite any others which they +may advance), namely, that they suggest the Second Empire. And there I +would stay with my uncle until his man came, with a message from the +coachman, to ask him at what time he would like the carriage. My uncle +would then be lost in meditation, while his astonished servant stood +there, not daring to disturb him by the least movement, wondering and +waiting for his answer, which never varied. For in the end, after a +supreme crisis of hesitation, my uncle would utter, infallibly, the words: +"A quarter past two," which the servant would echo with amazement, but +without disputing them: "A quarter past two! Very good, sir... I will go +and tell him...." + +At this date I was a lover of the theatre: a Platonic lover, of necessity, +since my parents had not yet allowed me to enter one, and so incorrect was +the picture I drew for myself of the pleasures to be enjoyed there that I +almost believed that each of the spectators looked, as into a stereoscope, +upon a stage and scenery which existed for himself alone, though closely +resembling the thousand other spectacles presented to the rest of the +audience individually. + +Every morning I would hasten to the Moriss column to see what new plays it +announced. Nothing could be more disinterested or happier than the dreams +with which these announcements filled my mind, dreams which took their +form from the inevitable associations of the words forming the title of +the play, and also from the colour of the bills, still damp and wrinkled +with paste, on which those words stood out. Nothing, unless it were such +strange titles as the _Testament de César Girodot, or Oedipe-Roi_, +inscribed not on the green bills of the Opéra-Comique, but on the +wine-coloured bills of the Comédie-Française, nothing seemed to me to +differ more profoundly from the sparkling white plume of the _Diamants de +la Couronne_ than the sleek, mysterious satin of the _Domino Noir_; and +since my parents had told me that, for my first visit to the theatre, I +should have to choose between these two pieces, I would study exhaustively +and in turn the title of one and the title of the other (for those were +all that I knew of either), attempting to snatch from each a foretaste of +the pleasure which it offered me, and to compare this pleasure with that +latent in the other title, until in the end I had shewn myself such vivid, +such compelling pictures of, on the one hand, a play of dazzling +arrogance, and on the other a gentle, velvety play, that I was as little +capable of deciding which play I should prefer to see as if, at the +dinner-table, they had obliged me to choose between _rice à l'Impératrice_ +and the famous cream of chocolate. + +All my conversations with my playfellows bore upon actors, whose art, +although as yet I had no experience of it, was the first of all its +numberless forms in which Art itself allowed me to anticipate its +enjoyment. Between one actor's tricks of intonation and inflection and +another's, the most trifling differences would strike me as being of an +incalculable importance. And from what I had been told of them I would +arrange them in the order of their talent in lists which I used to murmur +to myself all day long: lists which in the end became petrified in my +brain and were a source of annoyance to it, being irremovable. + +And later, in my schooldays, whenever I ventured in class, when the +master's head was turned, to communicate with some new friend, I would +always begin by asking him whether he had begun yet to go to theatres, and +if he agreed that our greatest actor was undoubtedly Got, our second +Delaunay, and so on. And if, in his judgment, Febvre came below Thiron, or +Delaunay below Coquelin, the sudden volatility which the name of Coquelin, +forsaking its stony rigidity, would engender in my mind, in which it moved +upwards to the second place, the rich vitality with which the name of +Delaunay would suddenly be furnished, to enable it to slip down to fourth, +would stimulate and fertilise my brain with a sense of bradding and +blossoming life. + +But if the thought of actors weighed so upon me, if the sight of Maubant, +coming out one afternoon from the Théâtre-Français, had plunged me in the +throes and sufferings of hopeless love, how much more did the name of a +'star,' blazing outside the doors of a theatre, how much more, seen +through the window of a brougham which passed me in the street, the hair +over her forehead abloom with roses, did the face of a woman who, I would +think, was perhaps an actress, leave with me a lasting disturbance, a +futile and painful effort to form a picture of her private life. + +I classified, in order of talent, the most distinguished: Sarah Bernhardt, +Berma, Bartet, Madeleine Brohan, Jeanne Samary; but I was interested in +them all. Now my uncle knew many of them personally, and also ladies of +another class, not clearly distinguished from actresses in my mind. He +used to entertain them at his house. And if we went to see him on certain +days only, that was because on the other days ladies might come whom his +family could not very well have met. So we at least thought; as for my +uncle, his fatal readiness to pay pretty widows (who had perhaps never +been married) and countesses (whose high-sounding titles were probably no +more than _noms de guerre_) the compliment of presenting them to my +grandmother or even of presenting to them some of our family jewels, had +already embroiled him more than once with my grandfather. Often, if the +name of some actress were mentioned in conversation, I would hear my +father say, with a smile, to my mother: "One of your uncle's friends," and +I would think of the weary novitiate through which, perhaps for years on +end, a grown man, even a man of real importance, might have to pass, +waiting on the doorstep of some such lady, while she refused to answer his +letters and made her hall-porter drive him away; and imagine that my uncle +was able to dispense a little jackanapes like myself from all these +sufferings by introducing me in his own home to the actress, +unapproachable by all the world, but for him an intimate friend. + +And so--on the pretext that some lesson, the hour of which had been +altered, now came at such an awkward time that it had already more than +once prevented me, and would continue to prevent me, from seeing my +uncle--one day, not one of the days which he set apart for our visits, I +took advantage of the fact that my parents had had luncheon earlier than +usual; I slipped out and, instead of going to read the playbills on their +column, for which purpose I was allowed to go out unaccompanied, I ran all +the way to his house. I noticed before his door a carriage and pair, with +red carnations on the horses' blinkers and in the coachman's buttonhole. +As I climbed the staircase I could hear laughter and a woman's voice, and, +as soon as I had rung, silence and the sound of shutting doors. The +man-servant who let me in appeared embarrassed, and said that my uncle was +extremely busy and probably could not see me; he went in, however, to +announce my arrival, and the same voice I had heard before said: "Oh, yes! +Do let him come in; just for a moment; it will be so amusing. Is that his +photograph there, on your desk? And his mother (your niece, isn't she?) +beside it? The image of her, isn't he? I should so like to see the little +chap, just for a second." + +I could hear my uncle grumbling and growing angry; finally the manservant +told me to come in. + +On the table was the same plate of marchpanes that was always there; my +uncle wore the same alpaca coat as on other days; but opposite to him, in +a pink silk dress with a great necklace of pearls about her throat, sat a +young woman who was just finishing a tangerine. My uncertainty whether I +ought to address her as Madame or Mademoiselle made me blush, and not +daring to look too much in her direction, in case I should be obliged to +speak to her, I hurried across to kiss my uncle. She looked at me and +smiled; my uncle said "My nephew!" without telling her my name or telling +me hers, doubtless because, since his difficulties with my grandfather, he +had endeavoured as far as possible to avoid any association of his family +with this other class of acquaintance. + +"How like his mother he is," said the lady. + +"But you have never seen my niece, except in photographs," my uncle broke +in quickly, with a note of anger. + +"I beg your pardon, dear friend, I passed her on the staircase last year +when you were so ill. It is true I only saw her for a moment, and your +staircase is rather dark; but I saw well enough to see how lovely she was. +This young gentleman has her beautiful eyes, and also this," she went on, +tracing a line with one finger across the lower part of her forehead. +"Tell me," she asked my uncle, "is your niece Mme.----; is her name the +same as yours?" + +"He takes most after his father," muttered my uncle, who was no more +anxious to effect an introduction by proxy, in repeating Mamma's name +aloud, than to bring the two together in the flesh. "He's his father all +over, and also like my poor mother." + +"I have not met his father, dear," said the lady in pink, bowing her head +slightly, "and I never saw your poor mother. You will remember it was just +after your great sorrow that we got to know one another." + +I felt somewhat disillusioned, for this young lady was in no way different +from other pretty women whom I had seen from time to time at home, +especially the daughter of one of our cousins, to whose house I went every +New Year's Day. Only better dressed; otherwise my uncle's friend had the +same quick and kindly glance, the same frank and friendly manner. I could +find no trace in her of the theatrical appearance which I admired in +photographs of actresses, nothing of the diabolical expression which would +have been in keeping with the life she must lead. I had difficulty in +believing that this was one of 'those women,' and certainly I should never +have believed her one of the 'smart ones' had I not seen the carriage and +pair, the pink dress, the pearly necklace, had I not been aware, too, that +my uncle knew only the very best of them. But I asked myself how the +millionaire who gave her her carriage and her flat and her jewels could +find any pleasure in flinging his money away upon a woman who had so +simple and respectable an appearance. And yet, when I thought of what her +life must be like, its immorality disturbed me more, perhaps, than if it +had stood before me in some concrete and recognisable form, by its secrecy +and invisibility, like the plot of a novel, the hidden truth of a scandal +which had driven out of the home of her middle-class parents and dedicated +to the service of all mankind which had brought to the flowering-point of +her beauty, had raised to fame or notoriety this woman, the play of whose +features, the intonations of whose voice, like so many others I already +knew, made me regard her, in spite of myself, as a young lady of good +family, her who was no longer of a family at all. + +We had gone by this time into the 'study,' and my uncle, who seemed a +trifle embarrassed by my presence, offered her a cigarette. + +"No, thank you, dear friend," she said. "You know I only smoke the ones +the Grand Duke sends me. I tell him that they make you jealous." And she +drew from a case cigarettes covered with inscriptions in gold, in a +foreign language. "Why, yes," she began again suddenly. "Of course I have +met this young man's father with you. Isn't he your nephew? How on earth +could I have forgotten? He was so nice, so charming to me," she went on, +modestly and with feeling. But when I thought to myself what must actually +have been the rude greeting (which, she made out, had been so charming), +I, who knew my father's coldness and reserve, was shocked, as though at +some indelicacy on his part, at the contrast between the excessive +recognition bestowed on it and his never adequate geniality. It has since +struck me as one of the most touching aspects of the part played in life +by these idle, painstaking women that they devote all their generosity, +all their talent, their transferable dreams of sentimental beauty (for, +like all artists, they never seek to realise the value of those dreams, or +to enclose them in the four-square frame of everyday life), and their +gold, which counts for little, to the fashioning of a fine and precious +setting for the rubbed and scratched and ill-polished lives of men. And +just as this one filled the smoking-room, where my uncle was entertaining +her in his alpaca coat, with her charming person, her dress of pink silk, +her pearls, and the refinement suggested by intimacy with a Grand Duke, +so, in the same way, she had taken some casual remark by my father, had +worked it up delicately, given it a 'turn,' a precious title, set in it +the gem of a glance from her own eyes, a gem of the first water, blended +of humility and gratitude; and so had given it back transformed into a +jewel, a work of art, into something altogether charming. + +"Look here, my boy, it is time you went away," said my uncle. + +I rose; I could scarcely resist a desire to kiss the hand of the lady in +pink, but I felt that to do so would require as much audacity as a +forcible abduction of her. My heart beat loud while I counted out to +myself "Shall I do it, shall I not?" and then I ceased to ask myself what +I ought to do so as at least to do something. Blindly, hotly, madly, +flinging aside all the reasons I had just found to support such action, I +seized and raised to my lips the hand she held out to me. + +"Isn't he delicious! Quite a ladies' man already; he takes after his +uncle. He'll be a perfect 'gentleman,'" she went on, setting her teeth so +as to give the word a kind of English accentuation. "Couldn't he come to +me some day for 'a cup of tea,' as our friends across the channel say; he +need only send me a 'blue' in the morning?" + +I had not the least idea of what a 'blue' might be. I did not understand +half the words which the lady used, but my fear lest there should be +concealed in them some question which it would be impolite in me not to +answer kept me from withdrawing my close attention from them, and I was +beginning to feel extremely tired. + +"No, no; it is impossible," said my uncle, shrugging his shoulders. "He is +kept busy at home all day; he has plenty of work to do. He brings back all +the prizes from his school," he added in a lower tone, so that I should +not hear this falsehood and interrupt with a contradiction. "You can't +tell; he may turn out a little Victor Hugo, a kind of Vaulabelle, don't +you know." + +"Oh, I love artistic people," replied the lady in pink; "there is no one +like them for understanding women. Them, and really nice men like +yourself. But please forgive my ignorance. Who, what is Vaulabelle? Is it +those gilt books in the little glass case in your drawing-room? You know +you promised to lend them to me; I will take great care of them." + +My uncle, who hated lending people books, said nothing, and ushered me out +into the hall. Madly in love with the lady in pink, I covered my old +uncle's tobacco-stained cheeks with passionate kisses, and while he, +awkwardly enough, gave me to understand (without actually saying) that he +would rather I did not tell my parents about this visit, I assured him, +with tears in my eyes, that his kindness had made so strong an impression +upon me that some day I would most certainly find a way of expressing my +gratitude. So strong an impression had it made upon me that two hours +later, after a string of mysterious utterances which did not strike me as +giving my parents a sufficiently clear idea of the new importance with +which I had been invested, I found it simpler to let them have a full +account, omitting no detail, of the visit I had paid that afternoon. In +doing this I had no thought of causing my uncle any unpleasantness. How +could I have thought such a thing, since I did not wish it? And I could +not suppose that my parents would see any harm in a visit in which I +myself saw none. Every day of our lives does not some friend or other ask +us to make his apologies, without fail, to some woman to whom he has been +prevented from writing; and do not we forget to do so, feeling that this +woman cannot attach much importance to a silence which has none for +ourselves? I imagined, like everyone else, that the brains of other people +were lifeless and submissive receptacles with no power of specific +reaction to any stimulus which might be applied to them; and I had not the +least doubt that when I deposited in the minds of my parents the news of +the acquaintance I had made at my uncle's I should at the same time +transmit to them the kindly judgment I myself had based on the +introduction. Unfortunately my parents had recourse to principles entirely +different from those which I suggested they should adopt when they came to +form their estimate of my uncle's conduct. My father and grandfather had +'words' with him of a violent order; as I learned indirectly. A few days +later, passing my uncle in the street as he drove by in an open carriage, +Î felt at once all the grief, the gratitude, the remorse which I should +have liked to convey to him. Beside the immensity of these emotions I +considered that merely to raise my hat to him would be incongruous and +petty, and might make him think that I regarded myself as bound to shew +him no more than the commonest form of courtesy. I decided to abstain from +so inadequate a gesture, and turned my head away. My uncle thought that, +in doing so I was obeying my parents' orders; he never forgave them; and +though he did not die until many years later, not one of us ever set eyes +on him again. + +And so I no longer used to go into the little sitting-room (now kept shut) +of my uncle Adolphe; instead, after hanging about on the outskirts of the +back-kitchen until Françoise appeared on its threshold and announced: "I +am going to let the kitchen-maid serve the coffee and take up the hot +water; it is time I went off to Mme. Octave," I would then decide to go +indoors, and would go straight upstairs to my room to read. The +kitchen-maid was an abstract personality, a permanent institution to which +an invariable set of attributes assured a sort of fixity and continuity +and identity throughout the long series of transitory human shapes in +which that personality was incarnate; for we never found the same girl +there two years running. In the year in which we ate such quantities of +asparagus, the kitchen-maid whose duty it was to dress them was a poor +sickly creature, some way 'gone' in pregnancy when we arrived at Combray +for Easter, and it was indeed surprising that Françoise allowed her to run +so many errands in the town and to do so much work in the house, for she +was beginning to find a difficulty in bearing before her the mysterious +casket, fuller and larger every day, whose splendid outline could be +detected through the folds of her ample smocks. These last recalled the +cloaks in which Giotto shrouds some of the allegorical figures in his +paintings, of which M. Swann had given me photographs. He it was who +pointed out the resemblance, and when he inquired after the kitchen-maid +he would say: "Well, how goes it with Giotto's Charity?" And indeed the +poor girl, whose pregnancy had swelled and stoutened every part of her, +even to her face, and the vertical, squared outlines of her cheeks, did +distinctly suggest those virgins, so strong and mannish as to seem matrons +rather, in whom the Virtues are personified in the Arena Chapel. And I can +see now that those Virtues and Vices of Padua resembled her in another +respect as well. For just as the figure of this girl had been enlarged by +the additional symbol which she carried in her body, without appearing to +understand what it meant, without any rendering in her facial expression +of all its beauty and spiritual significance, but carried as if it were an +ordinary and rather heavy burden, so it is without any apparent suspicion +of what she is about that the powerfully built housewife who is portrayed +in the Arena beneath the label 'Caritas,' and a reproduction of whose +portrait hung upon the wall of my schoolroom at Combray, incarnates that +virtue, for it seems impossible, that any thought of charity can ever have +found expression in her vulgar and energetic face. By a fine stroke of the +painter's invention she is tumbling all the treasures of the earth at her +feet, but exactly as if she were treading grapes in a wine-press to +extract their juice, or, still more, as if she had climbed on a heap of +sacks to raise herself higher; and she is holding out her flaming heart to +God, or shall we say 'handing' it to Him, exactly as a cook might hand up +a corkscrew through the skylight of her underground kitchen to some one +who had called down to ask her for it from the ground-level above. The +'Invidia,' again, should have had some look on her face of envy. But in +this fresco, too, the symbol occupies so large a place and is represented +with such realism; the serpent hissing between the lips of Envy is so +huge, and so completely fills her wide-opened mouth that the muscles of +her face are strained and contorted, like a child's who is filling a +balloon with his breath, and that Envy, and we ourselves for that matter, +when we look at her, since all her attention and ours are concentrated on +the action of her lips, have no time, almost, to spare for envious +thoughts. + +Despite all the admiration that M. Swann might profess for these figures +of Giotto, it was a long time before I could find any pleasure in seeing +in our schoolroom (where the copies he had brought me were hung) that +Charity devoid of charity, that Envy who looked like nothing so much as a +plate in some medical book, illustrating the compression of the glottis or +uvula by a tumour in the tongue, or by the introduction of the operator's +instrument, a Justice whose greyish and meanly regular features were the +very same as those which adorned the faces of certain good and pious and +slightly withered ladies of Combray whom I used to see at mass, many of +whom had long been enrolled in the reserve forces of Injustice. But in +later years I understood that the arresting strangeness, the special +beauty of these frescoes lay in the great part played in each of them by +its symbols, while the fact that these were depicted, not as symbols (for +the thought symbolised was nowhere expressed), but as real things, +actually felt or materially handled, added something more precise and more +literal to their meaning, something more concrete and more striking to the +lesson they imparted. And even in the case of the poor kitchen-maid, was +not our attention incessantly drawn to her belly by the load which filled +it; and in the same way, again, are not the thoughts of men and women in +the agony of death often turned towards the practical, painful, obscure, +internal, intestinal aspect, towards that 'seamy side' of death which is, +as it happens, the side that death actually presents to them and forces +them to feel, a side which far more closely resembles a crushing burden, a +difficulty in breathing, a destroying thirst, than the abstract idea to +which we are accustomed to give the name of Death? + +There must have been a strong element of reality in those Virtues and +Vices of Padua, since they appeared to me to be as much alive as the +pregnant servant-girl, while she herself appeared scarcely less +allegorical than they. And, quite possibly, this lack (or seeming lack) of +participation by a person's soul in the significant marks of its own +special virtue has, apart from its aesthetic meaning, a reality which, if +not strictly psychological, may at least be called physiognomical. Later +on, when, in the course of my life, I have had occasion to meet with, in +convents for instance, literally saintly examples of practical charity, +they have generally had the brisk, decided, undisturbed, and slightly +brutal air of a busy surgeon, the face in which one can discern no +commiseration, no tenderness at the sight of suffering humanity, and no +fear of hurting it, the face devoid of gentleness or sympathy, the sublime +face of true goodness. + +Then while the kitchen-maid--who, all unawares, made the superior +qualities of Françoise shine with added lustre, just as Error, by force of +contrast, enhances the triumph of Truth--took in coffee which (according +to Mamma) was nothing more than hot water, and then carried up to our +rooms hot water which was barely tepid, I would be lying stretched out on +my bed, a book in my hand, in my room which trembled with the effort to +defend its frail, transparent coolness against the afternoon sun, behind +its almost closed shutters through which, however, a reflection of the +sunlight had contrived to slip in on its golden wings, remaining +motionless, between glass and woodwork, in a corner, like a butterfly +poised upon a flower. It was hardly light enough for me to read, and my +feeling of the day's brightness and splendour was derived solely from the +blows struck down below, in the Rue de la Curé, by Camus (whom Françoise +had assured that my aunt was not 'resting' and that he might therefore +make a noise), upon some old packing-cases from which nothing would really +be sent flying but the dust, though the din of them, in the resonant +atmosphere that accompanies hot weather, seemed to scatter broadcast a +rain of blood-red stars; and from the flies who performed for my benefit, +in their small concert, as it might be the chamber music of summer; +evoking heat and light quite differently from an air of human music which, +if you happen to have heard it during a fine summer, will always bring +that summer back to your mind, the flies' music is bound to the season by +a closer, a more vital tie--born of sunny days, and not to be reborn but +with them, containing something of their essential nature, it not merely +calls up their image in our memory, but gives us a guarantee that they do +really exist, that they are close around us, immediately accessible. + +This dim freshness of my room was to the broad daylight of the street what +the shadow is to the sunbeam, that is to say, equally luminous, and +presented to my imagination the entire panorama of summer, which my +senses, if I had been out walking, could have tasted and enjoyed in +fragments only; and so was quite in harmony with my state of repose, which +(thanks to the adventures related in my books, which had just excited it) +bore, like a hand reposing motionless in a stream of running water, the +shock and animation of a torrent of activity and life. + +But my grandmother, even if the weather, after growing too hot, had +broken, and a storm, or just a shower, had burst over us, would come up +and beg me to go outside. And as I did not wish to leave off my book, I +would go on with it in the garden, under the chestnut-tree, in a little +sentry-box of canvas and matting, in the farthest recesses of which I used +to sit and feel that I was hidden from the eyes of anyone who might be +coming to call upon the family. + +And then my thoughts, did not they form a similar sort of hiding-hole, in +the depths of which I felt that I could bury myself and remain invisible +even when I was looking at what went on outside? When I saw any external +object, my consciousness that I was seeing it would remain between me and +it, enclosing it in a slender, incorporeal outline which prevented me from +ever coming directly in contact with the material form; for it would +volatilise itself in some way before I could touch it, just as an +incandescent body which is moved towards something wet never actually +touches moisture, since it is always preceded, itself, by a zone of +evaporation. Upon the sort of screen, patterned with different states and +impressions, which my consciousness would quietly unfold while I was +reading, and which ranged from the most deeply hidden aspirations of my +heart to the wholly external view of the horizon spread out before my eyes +at the foot of the garden, what was from the first the most permanent and +the most intimate part of me, the lever whose incessant movements +controlled all the rest, was my belief in the philosophic richness and +beauty of the book I was reading, and my desire to appropriate these to +myself, whatever the book might be. For even if I had purchased it at +Combray, having seen it outside Borange's, whose grocery lay too far from +our house for Françoise to be able to deal there, as she did with Camus, +but who enjoyed better custom as a stationer and bookseller; even if I had +seen it, tied with string to keep it in its place in the mosaic of monthly +parts and pamphlets which adorned either side of his doorway, a doorway +more mysterious, more teeming with suggestion than that of a cathedral, I +should have noticed and bought it there simply because I had recognised it +as a book which had been well spoken of, in my hearing, by the +school-master or the school-friend who, at that particular time, seemed to +me to be entrusted with the secret of Truth and Beauty, things half-felt +by me, half-incomprehensible, the full understanding of which was the +vague but permanent object of my thoughts. + +Next to this central belief, which, while I was reading, would be +constantly a motion from my inner self to the outer world, towards the +discovery of Truth, came the emotions aroused in me by the action in which +I would be taking part, for these afternoons were crammed with more +dramatic and sensational events than occur, often, in a whole lifetime. +These were the events which took place in the book I was reading. It is +true that the people concerned in them were not what Françoise would have +called 'real people.' But none of the feelings which the joys or +misfortunes of a 'real' person awaken in us can be awakened except through +a mental picture of those joys or misfortunes; and the ingenuity of the +first novelist lay in his understanding that, as the picture was the one +essential element in the complicated structure of our emotions, so that +simplification of it which consisted in the suppression, pure and simple, +of 'real' people would be a decided improvement. A 'real' person, +profoundly as we may sympathise with him, is in a great measure +perceptible only through our senses, that is to say, he remains opaque, +offers a dead weight which our sensibilities have not the strength to +lift. If some misfortune comes to him, it is only in one small section of +the complete idea we have of him that we are capable of feeling any +emotion; indeed it is only in one small section of the complete idea he +has of himself that he is capable of feeling any emotion either. The +novelist's happy discovery was to think of substituting for those opaque +sections, impenetrable by the human spirit, their equivalent in immaterial +sections, things, that is, which the spirit can assimilate to itself. +After which it matters not that the actions, the feelings of this new +order of creatures appear to us in the guise of truth, since we have made +them our own, since it is in ourselves that they are happening, that they +are holding in thrall, while we turn over, feverishly, the pages of the +book, our quickened breath and staring eyes. And once the novelist has +brought us to that state, in which, as in all purely mental states, every +emotion is multiplied ten-fold, into which his book comes to disturb us as +might a dream, but a dream more lucid, and of a more lasting impression +than those which come to us in sleep; why, then, for the space of an hour +he sets free within us all the joys and sorrows in the world, a few of +which, only, we should have to spend years of our actual life in getting +to know, and the keenest, the most intense of which would never have been +revealed to us because the slow course of their development stops our +perception of them. It is the same in life; the heart changes, and that is +our worst misfortune; but we learn of it only from reading or by +imagination; for in reality its alteration, like that of certain natural +phenomena, is so gradual that, even if we are able to distinguish, +successively, each of its different states, we are still spared the actual +sensation of change. + +Next to, but distinctly less intimate a part of myself than this human +element, would come the view, more or less projected before my eyes, of +the country in which the action of the story was taking place, which made +a far stronger impression on my mind than the other, the actual landscape +which would meet my eyes when I raised them from my book. In this way, for +two consecutive summers I used to sit in the heat of our Combray garden, +sick with a longing inspired by the book I was then reading for a land of +mountains and rivers, where I could see an endless vista of sawmills, +where beneath the limpid currents fragments of wood lay mouldering in beds +of watercress; and nearby, rambling and clustering along low walls, purple +flowers and red. And since there was always lurking in my mind the dream +of a woman who would enrich me with her love, that dream in those two +summers used to be quickened with the freshness and coolness of running +water; and whoever she might be, the woman whose image I called to mind, +purple flowers and red would at once spring up on either side of her like +complementary colours. + +This was not only because an image of which we dream remains for ever +distinguished, is adorned and enriched by the association of colours not +its own which may happen to surround it in our mental picture; for the +scenes in the books I read were to me not merely scenery more vividly +portrayed by my imagination than any which Combray could spread before my +eyes but otherwise of the same kind. Because of the selection that the +author had made of them, because of the spirit of faith in which my mind +would exceed and anticipate his printed word, as it might be interpreting +a revelation, these scenes used to give me the impression--one which I +hardly ever derived from any place in which I might happen to be, and +never from our garden, that undistinguished product of the strictly +conventional fantasy of the gardener whom my grandmother so despised--of +their being actually part of Nature herself, and worthy to be studied and +explored. + +Had my parents allowed me, when I read a book, to pay a visit to the +country it described, I should have felt that I was making an enormous +advance towards the ultimate conquest of truth. For even if we have the +sensation of being always enveloped in, surrounded by our own soul, still +it does not seem a fixed and immovable prison; rather do we seem to be +borne away with it, and perpetually struggling to pass beyond it, to break +out into the world, with a perpetual discouragement as we hear endlessly, +all around us, that unvarying sound which is no echo from without, but the +resonance of a vibration from within. We try to discover in things, +endeared to us on that account, the spiritual glamour which we ourselves +have cast upon them; we are disillusioned, and learn that they are in +themselves barren and devoid of the charm which they owed, in our minds, +to the association of certain ideas; sometimes we mobilise all our +spiritual forces in a glittering array so as to influence and subjugate +other human beings who, as we very well know, are situated outside +ourselves, where we can never reach them. And so, if I always imagined the +woman I loved as in a setting of whatever places I most longed, at the +time, to visit; if in my secret longings it was she who attracted me to +them, who opened to me the gate of an unknown world, that was not by the +mere hazard of a simple association of thoughts; no, it was because my +dreams of travel and of love were only moments--which I isolate +artificially to-day as though I were cutting sections, at different +heights, in a jet of water, rainbow-flashing but seemingly without flow or +motion--were only drops in a single, undeviating, irresistible outrush of +all the forces of my life. + +And then, as I continue to trace the outward course of these impressions +from their close-packed intimate source in my consciousness, and before I +come to the horizon of reality which envelops them, I discover pleasures +of another kind, those of being comfortably seated, of tasting the good +scent on the air, of not being disturbed by any visitor; and, when an hour +chimed from the steeple of Saint-Hilaire, of watching what was already +spent of the afternoon fall drop by drop until I heard the last stroke +which enabled me to add up the total sum, after which the silence that +followed seemed to herald the beginning, in the blue sky above me, of that +long part of the day still allowed me for reading, until the good dinner +which Françoise was even now preparing should come to strengthen and +refresh me after the strenuous pursuit of its hero through the pages of my +book. And, as each hour struck, it would seem to me that a few seconds +only had passed since the hour before; the latest would inscribe itself, +close to its predecessor, on the sky's surface, and I would be unable to +believe that sixty minutes could be squeezed into the tiny arc of blue +which was comprised between their two golden figures. Sometimes it would +even happen that this precocious hour would sound two strokes more than +the last; there must then have been an hour which I had not heard strike; +something which had taken place had not taken place for me; the +fascination of my book, a magic as potent as the deepest slumber, had +stopped my enchanted ears and had obliterated the sound of that golden +bell from the azure surface of the enveloping silence. Sweet Sunday +afternoons beneath the chestnut-tree in our Combray garden, from which I +was careful to eliminate every commonplace incident of my actual life, +replacing them by a career of strange adventures and ambitions in a land +watered by living streams, you still recall those adventures and ambitions +to my mind when I think of you, and you embody and preserve them by virtue +of having little by little drawn round and enclosed them (while I went on +with my book and the heat of the day declined) in the gradual +crystallisation, slowly altering in form and dappled with a pattern of +chestnut-leaves, of your silent, sonorous, fragrant, limpid hours. + +Sometimes I would be torn from my book, in the middle of the afternoon, by +the gardener's daughter, who came running like a mad thing, overturning an +orange-tree in its tub, cutting a finger, breaking a tooth, and screaming +out "They're coming, they're coming!" so that Françoise and I should run +too and not miss anything of the show. That was on days when the cavalry +stationed in Combray went out for some military exercise, going as a rule +by the Rue Sainte-Hildegarde. While our servants, sitting in a row on +their chairs outside the garden railings, stared at the people of Combray +taking their Sunday walks and were stared at in return, the gardener's +daughter, through the gap which there was between two houses far away in +the Avenue de la Gare, would have spied the glitter of helmets. The +servants then hurried in with their chairs, for when the troopers filed +through the Rue Sainte-Hildegarde they filled it from side to side, and +their jostling horses scraped against the walls of the houses, covering +and drowning the pavements like banks which present too narrow a channel +to a river in flood. + +"Poor children," Françoise would exclaim, in tears almost before she had +reached the railings; "poor boys, to be mown down like grass in a meadow. +It's just shocking to think of," she would go on, laying a hand over her +heart, where presumably she had felt the shock. + +"A fine sight, isn't it, Mme. Françoise, all these young fellows not +caring two straws for their lives?" the gardener would ask, just to 'draw' +her. And he would not have spoken in vain. + +"Not caring for their lives, is it? Why, what in the world is there that +we should care for if it's not our lives, the only gift the Lord never +offers us a second time? Oh dear, oh dear; you're right all the same; it's +quite true, they don't care! I can remember them in '70; in those wretched +wars they've no fear of death left in them; they're nothing more nor less +than madmen; and then they aren't worth the price of a rope to hang them +with; they're not men any more, they're lions." For by her way of +thinking, to compare a man with a lion, which she used to pronounce +'lie-on,' was not at all complimentary to the man. + +The Rue Sainte-Hildegarde turned too sharply for us to be able to see +people approaching at any distance, and it was only through the gap +between those two houses in the Avenue de la Gare that we could still make +out fresh helmets racing along towards us, and flashing in the sunlight. +The gardener wanted to know whether there were still many to come, and he +was thirsty besides, with the sun beating down upon his head. So then, +suddenly, his daughter would leap out, as though from a beleaguered city, +would make a sortie, turn the street corner, and, having risked her life a +hundred times over, reappear and bring us, with a jug of liquorice-water, +the news that there were still at least a thousand of them, pouring along +without a break from the direction of Thiberzy and Méséglise. Françoise +and the gardener, having 'made up' their difference, would discuss the +line to be followed in case of war. + +"Don't you see, Françoise," he would say. "Revolution would be better, +because then no one would need to join in unless he liked." + +"Oh, yes, I can see that, certainly; it's more straightforward." + +The gardener believed that, as soon as war was declared, they would stop +all the railways. + +"Yes, to be sure; so that we sha'n't get away," said Françoise. + +And the gardener would assent, with "Ay, they're the cunning ones," for he +would not allow that war was anything but a kind of trick which the state +attempted to play on the people, or that there was a man in the world who +would not run away from it if he had the chance to do so. + +But Françoise would hasten back to my aunt, and I would return to my book, +and the servants would take their places again outside the gate to watch +the dust settle on the pavement, and the excitement caused by the passage +of the soldiers subside. Long after order had been restored, an abnormal +tide of humanity would continue to darken the streets of Corn-bray. And +in front of every house, even of those where it was not, as a rule, +'done,' the servants, and sometimes even the masters would sit and stare, +festooning their doorsteps with a dark, irregular fringe, like the border +of shells and sea-weed which a stronger tide than usual leaves on the +beach, as though trimming it with embroidered crape, when the sea itself +has retreated. + +Except on such days as these, however, I would as a rule be left to read +in peace. But the interruption which a visit from Swann once made, and the +commentary which he then supplied to the course of my reading, which had +brought me to the work of an author quite new to me, called Bergotte, had +this definite result that for a long time afterwards it was not against a +wall gay with spikes of purple blossom, but on a wholly different +background, the porch of a gothic cathedral, that I would see outlined the +figure of one of the women of whom I dreamed. + +I had heard Bergotte spoken of, for the first time, by a friend older than +myself, for whom I had a strong admiration, a precious youth of the name +of Bloch. Hearing me confess my love of the _Nuit d'Octobre_, he had burst +out in a bray of laughter, like a bugle-call, and told me, by way of +warning: "You must conquer your vile taste for A. de Musset, Esquire. He +is a bad egg, one of the very worst, a pretty detestable specimen. I am +bound to admit, natheless," he added graciously, "that he, and even the +man Racine, did, each of them, once in his life, compose a line which is +not only fairly rhythmical, but has also what is in my eyes the supreme +merit of meaning absolutely nothing. One is + + _La blanche Oloossone et la blanche Camire_, + +and the other + + _La fille de Minos et de Pasiphaë_." + +They were submitted to my judgment, as evidence for the defence of the two +runagates, in an article by my very dear master Father Lecomte, who is +found pleasing in the sight of the immortal gods. By which token, here is +a book which I have not the time, just now, to read, a book recommended, +it would seem, by that colossal fellow. He regards, or so they tell me, +its author, one Bergotte, Esquire, as a subtle scribe, more subtle, +indeed, than any beast of the field; and, albeit he exhibits on occasion a +critical pacifism, a tenderness in suffering fools, for which it is +impossible to account, and hard to make allowance, still his word has +weight with me as it were the Delphic Oracle. Read you then this lyrical +prose, and, if the Titanic master-builder of rhythm who composed +_Bhagavat_ and the _Lévrier de Magnus_ speaks not falsely, then, by +Apollo, you may taste, even you, my master, the ambrosial joys of +Olympus." It was in an ostensible vein of sarcasm that he had asked me to +call him, and that he himself called me, "my master." But, as a matter of +fact, we each derived a certain amount of satisfaction from the mannerism, +being still at the age in which one believes that one gives a thing real +existence by giving it a name. + +Unfortunately I was not able to set at rest, by further talks with Bloch, +in which I might have insisted upon an explanation, the doubts he had +engendered in me when he told me that fine lines of poetry (from which I, +if you please, expected nothing less than the revelation of truth itself) +were all the finer if they meant absolutely nothing. For, as it happened, +Bloch was not invited to the house again. At first, he had been well +received there. It is true that my grandfather made out that, whenever I +formed a strong attachment to any one of my friends and brought him home +with me, that friend was invariably a Jew; to which he would not have +objected on principle--indeed his own friend Swann was of Jewish +extraction--had he not found that the Jews whom I chose as friends were +not usually of the best type. And so I was hardly ever able to bring a new +friend home without my grandfather's humming the "O, God of our fathers" +from _La Juive_, or else "Israel, break thy chain," singing the tune +alone, of course, to an "um-ti-tum-ti-tum, tra-la"; but I used to be +afraid of my friend's recognising the sound, and so being able to +reconstruct the words. + +Before seeing them, merely on hearing their names, about which, as often +as not, there was nothing particularly Hebraic, he would divine not only +the Jewish origin of such of my friends as might indeed be of the chosen +people, but even some dark secret which was hidden in their family. + +"And what do they call your friend who is coming this evening?" + +"Dumont, grandpapa." + +"Dumont! Oh, I'm frightened of Dumont." + +And he would sing: + + Archers, be on your guard! + Watch without rest, without sound, + +and then, after a few adroit questions on points of detail, he would call +out "On guard! on guard," or, if it were the victim himself who had +already arrived, and had been obliged, unconsciously, by my grandfather's +subtle examination, to admit his origin, then my grandfather, to shew us +that he had no longer any doubts, would merely look at us, humming almost +inaudibly the air of + + What! do you hither guide the feet + Of this timid Israelite? + +or of + + Sweet vale of Hebron, dear paternal fields, + +or, perhaps, of + + Yes, I am of the chosen race. + +These little eccentricities on my grandfather's part implied no ill-will +whatsoever towards my friends. But Bloch had displeased my family for +other reasons. He had begun by annoying my father, who, seeing him come in +with wet clothes, had asked him with keen interest: + +"Why, M. Bloch, is there a change in the weather; has it been raining? I +can't understand it; the barometer has been 'set fair.'" + +Which drew from Bloch nothing more instructive than "Sir, I am absolutely +incapable of telling you whether it has rained. I live so resolutely apart +from physical contingencies that my senses no longer trouble to inform me +of them." + +"My poor boy," said my father after Bloch had gone, "your friend is out of +his mind. Why, he couldn't even tell me what the weather was like. As if +there could be anything more interesting! He is an imbecile." + +Next, Bloch had displeased my grandmother because, after luncheon, when +she complained of not feeling very well, he had stifled a sob and wiped +the tears from his eyes. + +"You cannot imagine that he is sincere," she observed to me. "Why he +doesn't know me. Unless he's mad, of course." + +And finally he had upset the whole household when he arrived an hour and a +half late for luncheon and covered with mud from head to foot, and made +not the least apology, saying merely: "I never allow myself to be +influenced in the smallest degree either by atmospheric disturbances or by +the arbitrary divisions of what is known as Time. I would willingly +reintroduce to society the opium pipe of China or the Malayan kriss, but I +am wholly and entirely without instruction in those infinitely more +pernicious (besides being quite bleakly bourgeois) implements, the +umbrella and the watch." + +In spite of all this he would still have been received at Combray. He was, +of course, hardly the friend my parents would have chosen for me; they +had, in the end, decided that the tears which he had shed on hearing of my +grandmother's illness were genuine enough; but they knew, either +instinctively or from their own experience, that our early impulsive +emotions have but little influence over our later actions and the conduct +of our lives; and that regard for moral obligations, loyalty to our +friends, patience in finishing our work, obedience to a rule of life, have +a surer foundation in habits solidly formed and blindly followed than in +these momentary transports, ardent but sterile. They would have preferred +to Bloch, as companions for myself, boys who would have given me no more +than it is proper, by all the laws of middle-class morality, for boys to +give one another, who would not unexpectedly send me a basket of fruit +because they happened, that morning, to have thought of me with affection, +but who, since they were incapable of inclining in my favour, by any +single impulse of their imagination and emotions, the exact balance of the +duties and claims of friendship, were as incapable of loading the scales +to my prejudice. Even the injuries we do them will not easily divert from +the path of their duty towards us those conventional natures of which my +great-aunt furnished a type: who, after quarrelling for years with a +niece, to whom she never spoke again, yet made no change in the will in +which she had left that niece the whole of her fortune, because she was +her next-of-kin, and it was the 'proper thing' to do. + +But I was fond of Bloch; my parents wished me to be happy; and the +insoluble problems which I set myself on such texts as the 'absolutely +meaningless' beauty of _La fille de Minos et de Pasiphaë_ tired me more +and made me more unwell than I should have been after further talks with +him, unwholesome as those talks might seem to my mother's mind. And he +would still have been received at Combray but for one thing. That same +night, after dinner, having informed me (a piece of news which had a great +influence on my later life, making it happier at one time and then more +unhappy) that no woman ever thought of anything but love, and that there +was not one of them whose resistance a man could not overcome, he had gone +on to assure me that he had heard it said on unimpeachable authority that +my great-aunt herself had led a 'gay' life in her younger days, and had +been notoriously 'kept.' I could not refrain from passing on so important +a piece of information to my parents; the next time Bloch called he was +not admitted, and afterwards, when I met him in the street, he greeted me +with extreme coldness. + +But in the matter of Bergotte he had spoken truly. + +For the first few days, like a tune which will be running in one's head +and maddening one soon enough, but of which one has not for the moment +'got hold,' the things I was to love so passionately in Bergotte's style +had not yet caught my eye. I could not, it is true, lay down the novel of +his which I was reading, but I fancied that I was interested in the story +alone, as in the first dawn of love, when we go every day to meet a woman +at some party or entertainment by the charm of which we imagine it is that +we are attracted. Then I observed the rare, almost archaic phrases which +he liked to employ at certain points, where a hidden flow of harmony, a +prelude contained and concealed in the work itself would animate and +elevate his style; and it was at such points as these, too, that he would +begin to speak of the "vain dream of life," of the "inexhaustible torrent +of fair forms," of the "sterile, splendid torture of understanding and +loving," of the "moving effigies which ennoble for all time the charming +and venerable fronts of our cathedrals"; that he would express a whole +system of philosophy, new to me, by the use of marvellous imagery, to the +inspiration of which I would naturally have ascribed that sound of harping +which began to chime and echo in my ears, an accompaniment to which that +imagery added something ethereal and sublime. One of these passages of +Bergotte, the third or fourth which I had detached from the rest, filled +me with a joy to which the meagre joy I had tasted in the first passage +bore no comparison, a joy which I felt myself to have experienced in some +innermost chamber of my soul, deep, undivided, vast, from which all +obstructions and partitions seemed to have been swept away. For what +had happened was that, while I recognised in this passage the same taste +for uncommon phrases, the same bursts of music, the same idealist +philosophy which had been present in the earlier passages without my +having taken them into account as the source of my pleasure, I now no +longer had the impression of being confronted by a particular passage in +one of Bergotte's works, which traced a purely bi-dimensional figure in +outline upon the surface of my mind, but rather of the 'ideal passage' of +Bergotte, common to every one of his books, and to which all the earlier, +similar passages, now becoming merged in it, had added a kind of density +and volume, by which my own understanding seemed to be enlarged. + +I was by no means Bergotte's sole admirer; he was the favourite writer +also of a friend of my mother's, a highly literary lady; while Dr. du, +Boulbon had kept all his patients waiting until he finished Bergotte's +latest volume; and it was from his consulting room, and from a house in a +park near Combray that some of the first seeds were scattered of that +taste for Bergotte, a rare-growth in those days, but now so universally +acclimatised that one finds it flowering everywhere throughout Europe and +America, and even in the tiniest villages, rare still in its refinement, +but in that alone. What my mother's friend, and, it would seem, what Dr. +du Boulbon liked above all in the writings of Bergotte was just what I +liked, the same flow of melody, the same old-fashioned phrases, and +certain others, quite simple and familiar, but so placed by him, in such +prominence, as to hint at a particular quality of taste on his part; and +also, in the sad parts of his books, a sort of roughness, a tone that was +almost harsh. And he himself, no doubt, realised that these were his +principal attractions. For in his later books, if he had hit upon some +great truth, or upon the name of an historic cathedral, he would break off +his narrative, and in an invocation, an apostrophe, a lengthy prayer, +would give a free outlet to that effluence which, in the earlier volumes, +remained buried beneath the form of his prose, discernible only in a +rippling of its surface, and perhaps even more delightful, more harmonious +when it was thus veiled from the eye, when the reader could give no +precise indication of where the murmur of the current began, or of where +it died away. These passages in which he delighted were our favourites +also. For my own part I knew all of them by heart. I felt even +disappointed when he resumed the thread of his narrative. Whenever he +spoke of something whose beauty had until then remained hidden from me, of +pine-forests or of hailstorms, of _Notre-Dame de Paris_, of _Athalie_, or +of _Phèdre_, by some piece of imagery he would make their beauty explode +and drench me with its essence. And so, dimly realising that the universe +contained innumerable elements which my feeble senses would be powerless +to discern, did he not bring them within my reach, I wished that I might +have his opinion, some metaphor of his, upon everything in the world, and +especially upon such things as I might have an opportunity, some day, of +seeing for myself; and among such things, more particularly still upon +some of the historic buildings of France, upon certain views of the sea, +because the emphasis with which, in his books, he referred to these shewed +that he regarded them as rich in significance and beauty. But, alas, upon +almost everything in the world his opinion was unknown to me. I had no +doubt that it would differ entirely from my own, since his came down from +an unknown sphere towards which I was striving to raise myself; convinced +that my thoughts would have seemed pure foolishness to that perfected +spirit, I had so completely obliterated them all that, if I happened to +find in one of his books something which had already occurred to my own +mind, my heart would swell with gratitude and pride as though some deity +had, in his infinite bounty, restored it to me, had pronounced it to be +beautiful and right. It happened now and then that a page of Bergotte +would express precisely those ideas which I used often at night, when I +was unable to sleep, to write to my grandmother and mother, and so +concisely and well that his page had the appearance of a collection of +mottoes for me to set at the head of my letters. And so too, in later +years, when I began to compose a book of my own, and the quality of some +of my sentences seemed so inadequate that I could not make up my mind to +go on with the undertaking, I would find the equivalent of my sentences in +Bergotte's. But it was only then, when I read them in his pages, that I +could enjoy them; when it was I myself who composed them, in my anxiety +that they should exactly reproduce what I seemed to have detected in my +mind, and in my fear of their not turning out 'true to life,' I had no +time to ask myself whether what I was writing would be pleasant to read! +But indeed there was no kind of language, no kind of ideas which I really +liked, except these. My feverish and unsatisfactory attempts were +themselves a token of my love, a love which brought me no pleasure, but +was, for all that, intense and deep. And so, when I came suddenly upon +similar phrases in the writings of another, that is to say stripped of +their familiar accompaniment of scruples and repressions and +self-tormentings, I was free to indulge to the full my own appetite for +such things, just as a cook who, once in a while, has no dinner to prepare +for other people, can then find time to gormandise himself. And so, when I +had found, one day, in a book by Bergotte, some joke about an old family +servant, to which his solemn and magnificent style added a great deal of +irony, but which was in principle what I had often said to my grandmother +about Françoise, and when, another time, I had discovered that he thought +not unworthy of reflection in one of those mirrors of absolute Truth which +were his writings, a remark similar to one which I had had occasion to +make on our friend M. Legrandin (and, moreover, my remarks on Françoise +and M. Legrandin were among those which I would most resolutely have +sacrificed for Bergotte's sake, in the belief that he would find them +quite without interest); then it was suddenly revealed to me that my own +humble existence and the Realms of Truth were less widely separated than I +had supposed, that at certain points they were actually in contact; and in +my new-found confidence and joy I wept upon his printed page, as in the +arms of a long-lost father. + +From his books I had formed an impression of Bergotte as a frail and +disappointed old man, who had lost his children, and had never found any +consolation. And so I would read, or rather sing his sentences in my +brain, with rather more _dolce_, rather more _lento_ than he himself had, +perhaps, intended, and his simplest phrase would strike my ears with +something peculiarly gentle and loving in its intonation. More than +anything else in the world I cherished his philosophy, and had pledged +myself to it in lifelong devotion. It made me impatient to reach the age +when I should be eligible to attend the class at school called +'Philosophy.' I did not wish to learn or do anything else there, but +simply to exist and be guided entirely by the mind of Bergotte, and, if I +had been told then that the metaphysicians whom I was actually to follow +there resembled him in nothing, I should have been struck down by the +despair a young lover feels who has sworn lifelong fidelity, when a friend +speaks to him of the other mistresses he will have in time to come. + +One Sunday, while I was reading in the garden, I was interrupted by Swann, +who had come to call upon my parents. + +"What are you reading? May I look? Why, it's Bergotte! Who has been +telling you about him?" + +I replied that Bloch was responsible. + +"Oh, yes, that boy I saw here once, who looks so like the Bellini portrait +of Mahomet II. It's an astonishing likeness; he has the same arched +eyebrows and hooked nose and prominent cheekbones. When his beard comes +he'll be Mahomet himself. Anyhow he has good taste, for Bergotte is a +charming creature." And seeing how much I seemed to admire Bergotte, +Swann, who never spoke at all about the people he knew, made an exception +in my favour and said: "I know him well; if you would like him to write a +few words on the title-page of your book I could ask him for you." + +I dared not accept such an offer, but bombarded Swann with questions about +his friend. "Can you tell me, please, who is his favourite actor?" + +"Actor? No, I can't say. But I do know this: there's not a man on the +stage whom he thinks equal to Berma; he puts her above everyone. Have you +seen her?" + +"No, sir, my parents do not allow me to go to the theatre." + +"That is a pity. You should insist. Berma in _Phèdre_, in the _Cid_; well, +she's only an actress, if you like, but you know that I don't believe very +much in the 'hierarchy' of the arts." As he spoke I noticed, what had +often struck me before in his conversations with my grandmother's sisters, +that whenever he spoke of serious matters, whenever he used an expression +which seemed to imply a definite opinion upon some important subject, he +would take care to isolate, to sterilise it by using a special intonation, +mechanical and ironic, as though he had put the phrase or word between +inverted commas, and was anxious to disclaim any personal responsibility +for it; as who should say "the 'hierarchy,' don't you know, as silly +people call it." But then, if it was so absurd, why did he say the +'hierarchy'? A moment later he went on: "Her acting will give you as noble +an inspiration as any masterpiece of art in the world, as--oh, I don't +know--" and he began to laugh, "shall we say the Queens of Chartres?" +Until then I had supposed that his horror of having to give a serious +opinion was something Parisian and refined, in contrast to the provincial +dogmatism of my grandmother's sisters; and I had imagined also that it was +characteristic of the mental attitude towards life of the circle in which +Swann moved, where, by a natural reaction from the 'lyrical' enthusiasms +of earlier generations, an excessive importance was given to small and +precise facts, formerly regarded as vulgar, and anything in the nature of +'phrase-making' was banned. But now I found myself slightly shocked by +this attitude which Swann invariably adopted when face to face with +generalities. He appeared unwilling to risk even having an opinion, and to +be at his ease only when he could furnish, with meticulous accuracy, some +precise but unimportant detail. But in so doing he did not take into +account that even here he was giving an opinion, holding a brief (as they +say) for something, that the accuracy of his details had an importance of +its own. I thought again of the dinner that night, when I had been so +unhappy because Mamma would not be coming up to my room, and when he had +dismissed the balls given by the Princesse de Léon as being of no +importance. And yet it was to just that sort of amusement that he was +devoting his life. For what other kind of existence did he reserve the +duties of saying in all seriousness what he thought about things, of +formulating judgments which he would not put between inverted commas; and +when would he cease to give himself up to occupations of which at the +same, time he made out that they were absurd? I noticed, too, in the +manner in which Swann spoke to me of Bergotte, something which, to do him +justice, was not peculiar to himself, but was shared by all that writer's +admirers at that time, at least by my mother's friend and by Dr. du +Boulbon. Like Swann, they would say of Bergotte: "He has a charming mind, +so individual, he has a way of his own of saying things, which is a little +far-fetched, but so pleasant. You never need to look for his name on the +title-page, you can tell his work at once." But none of them had yet gone +so far as to say "He is a great writer, he has great talent." They did not +even credit him with talent at all. They did not speak, because they were +not aware of it. We are very slow in recognising in the peculiar +physiognomy of a new writer the type which is labelled 'great talent' in +our museum of general ideas. Simply because that physiognomy is new and +strange, we can find in it no resemblance to what we are accustomed to +call talent. We say rather originality, charm, delicacy, strength; and +then one day we add up the sum of these, and find that it amounts simply +to talent. + +"Are there any books in which Bergotte has written about Berma?" I asked +M. Swann. + +"I think he has, in that little essay on Racine, but it must be out of +print. Still, there has perhaps been a second impression. I will find out. +Anyhow, I can ask Bergotte himself all that you want to know next time he +comes to dine with us. He never misses a week, from one year's end to +another. He is my daughter's greatest friend. They go about together, and +look at old towns and cathedrals and castles." + +As I was still completely ignorant of the different grades in the social +hierarchy, the fact that my father found it impossible for us to see +anything of Swann's wife and daughter had, for a long time, had the +contrary effect of making me imagine them as separated from us by an +enormous gulf, which greatly enhanced their dignity and importance in my +eyes. I was sorry that my mother did not dye her hair and redden her lips, +as I had heard our neighbour, Mme. Sazerat, say that Mme. Swann did, to +gratify not her husband but M. de Charlus; and I felt that, to her, we +must be an object of scorn, which distressed me particularly on account of +the daughter, such a pretty little girl, as I had heard, and one of whom I +used often to dream, always imagining her with the same features and +appearance, which I bestowed upon her quite arbitrarily, but with a +charming effect. But from this afternoon, when I had learned that Mile. +Swann was a creature living in such rare and fortunate circumstances, +bathed, as in her natural element, in such a sea of privilege that, if she +should ask her parents whether anyone were coming to dinner, she would be +answered in those two syllables, radiant with celestial light, would hear +the name of that golden guest who was to her no more than an old friend of +her family, Bergotte; that for her the intimate conversation at table, +corresponding to what my great-aunt's conversation was for me, would be +the words of Bergotte upon all those subjects which he had not been able +to take up in his writings, and on which I would fain have heard him utter +oracles; and that, above all, when she went to visit other towns, he would +be walking by her side, unrecognised and glorious, like the gods who came +down, of old, from heaven to dwell among mortal men: then I realised both +the rare worth of a creature such as Mile. Swann, and, at the same time, +how coarse and ignorant I should appear to her; and I felt so keenly how +pleasant and yet how impossible it would be for me to become her friend +that I was filled at once with longing and with despair. And usually, from +this time forth, when I thought of her, I would see her standing before +the porch of a cathedral, explaining to me what each of the statues meant, +and, with a smile which was my highest commendation, presenting me, as her +friend, to Bergotte. And invariably the charm of all the fancies which +the thought of cathedrals used to inspire in me, the charm of the hills +and valleys of the He de France and of the plains of Normandy, would +radiate brightness and beauty over the picture I had formed in my mind of +Mile. Swann; nothing more remained but to know and to love her. Once we +believe that a fellow-creature has a share in some unknown existence to +which that creature's love for ourselves can win us admission, that is, of +all the preliminary conditions which Love exacts, the one to which he +attaches most importance, the one which makes him generous or indifferent +as to the rest. Even those women who pretend that they judge a man by his +exterior only, see in that exterior an emanation from some special way of +life. And that is why they fall in love with a soldier or a fireman, whose +uniform makes them less particular about his face; they kiss and believe +that beneath the crushing breastplate there beats a heart different from +the rest, more gallant, more adventurous, more tender; and so it is that a +young king or a crown prince may travel in foreign countries and make the +most gratifying conquests, and yet lack entirely that regular and classic +profile which would be indispensable, I dare say, in an outside-broker. + +While I was reading in the garden, a thing my great-aunt would never have +understood my doing save on a Sunday, that being the day on which it was +unlawful to indulge in any serious occupation, and on which she herself +would lay aside her sewing (on a week-day she would have said, "How you +can go on amusing yourself with a book; it isn't Sunday, you know!" +putting into the word 'amusing' an implication of childishness and waste +of time), my aunt Léonie would be gossiping with Françoise until it was +time for Eulalie to arrive. She would tell her that she had just seen Mme. +Goupil go by "without an umbrella, in the silk dress she had made for her +the other day at Châteaudun. If she has far to go before vespers, she may +get it properly soaked." + +"Very likely" (which meant also "very likely not") was the answer, for +Françoise did not wish definitely to exclude the possibility of a happier +alternative. + +"There, now," went on my aunt, beating her brow, "that reminds me that I +never heard if she got to church this morning before the Elevation. I +must remember to ask Eulalie... Françoise, just look at that black cloud +behind the steeple, and how poor the light is on the slates, you may be +certain it will rain before the day is out. It couldn't possibly keep on +like this, it's been too hot. And the sooner the better, for until the +storm breaks my Vichy water won't 'go down,'" she concluded, since, in her +mind, the desire to accelerate the digestion of her Vichy water was of +infinitely greater importance than her fear of seeing Mme. Goupil's new +dress ruined. + +"Very likely." + +"And you know that when it rains in the Square there's none too much +shelter." Suddenly my aunt turned pale. "What, three o'clock!" she +exclaimed. "But vespers will have begun already, and I've forgotten my +pepsin! Now I know why that Vichy water has been lying on my stomach." +And falling precipitately upon a prayer-book bound in purple velvet, with +gilt clasps, out of which in her haste she let fall a shower of the little +pictures, each in a lace fringe of yellowish paper, which she used to mark +the places of the greater feasts of the church, my aunt, while she +swallowed her drops, began at full speed to mutter the words of the sacred +text, its meaning being slightly clouded in her brain by the uncertainty +whether the pepsin, when taken so long after the Vichy, would still be +able to overtake it and to 'send it down.' "Three o'clock! It's +unbelievable how time flies." + +A little tap at the window, as though some missile had struck it, followed +by a plentiful, falling sound, as light, though, as if a shower of sand +were being sprinkled from a window overhead; then the fall spread, took on +an order, a rhythm, became liquid, loud, drumming, musical, innumerable, +universal. It was the rain. + +"There, Françoise, what did I tell you? How it's coming down! But I think +I heard the bell at the garden gate: go along and see who can be outside +in this weather." + +Françoise went and returned. "It's Mme. Amédée" (my grandmother). "She +said she was going for a walk. It's raining hard, all the same." + +"I'm not at all surprised," said my aunt, looking up towards the sky. +"I've always said that she was not in the least like other people. Well, +I'm glad it's she and not myself who's outside in all this." + +"Mme. Amédée is always the exact opposite of the rest," said Françoise, +not unkindly, refraining until she should be alone with the other servants +from stating her belief that my grandmother was 'a bit off her head.' + +"There's Benediction over! Eulalie will never come now," sighed my aunt. +"It will be the weather that's frightened her away." + +"But it's not five o'clock yet, Mme. Octave, it's only half-past four." + +"Only half-past four! And here am I, obliged to draw back the small +curtains, just to get a tiny streak of daylight. At half-past four! Only a +week before the Rogation-days. Ah, my poor Françoise, the dear Lord must +be sorely vexed with us. The world is going too far in these days. As my +poor Octave used to say, we have forgotten God too often, and He is taking +vengeance upon us." + +A bright flush animated my aunt's cheeks; it was Eulalie. As ill luck +would have it, scarcely had she been admitted to the presence when +Françoise reappeared and, with a smile which was meant to indicate her +full participation in the pleasure which, she had no doubt, her tidings +would give my aunt, articulating each syllable so as to shew that, in +spite of her having to translate them into indirect speech, she was +repeating, as a good servant should, the very words which the new visitor +had condescended to use, said: "His reverence the Curé would be delighted, +enchanted, if Mme. Octave is not resting just now, and could see him. His +reverence does not wish to disturb Mme. Octave. His reverence is +downstairs; I told him to go into the parlour." + +Had the truth been known, the Curé's visits gave my aunt no such ecstatic +pleasure as Françoise supposed, and the air of jubilation with which she +felt bound to illuminate her face whenever she had to announce his +arrival, did not altogether correspond to what was felt by her invalid. +The Curé (an excellent man, with whom I am sorry now that I did not +converse more often, for, even if he cared nothing for the arts, he knew a +great many etymologies), being in the habit of shewing distinguished +visitors over his church (he had even planned to compile a history of the +Parish of Com-bray), used to weary her with his endless explanations, +which, incidentally, never varied in the least degree. But when his visit +synchronized exactly with Eulalie's it became frankly distasteful to my +aunt. She would have preferred to make the most of Eulalie, and not to +have had the whole of her circle about her at one time. But she dared not +send the Curé away, and had to content herself with making a sign to +Eulalie not to leave when he did, so that she might have her to herself +for a little after he had gone. + +"What is this I have been hearing, Father, that a painter has set up his +easel in your church, and is copying one of the windows? Old as I am, I +can safely say that I have never even heard of such a thing in all my +life! What is the world coming to next, I wonder! And the ugliest thing +in the whole church, too." + +"I will not go so far as to say that it is quite the ugliest, for, +although there are certain things in Saint-Hilaire which are well worth a +visit, there are others that are very old now, in my poor basilica, the +only one in all the diocese that has never even been restored. The Lord +knows, our porch is dirty and out of date; still, it is of a majestic +character; take, for instance, the Esther tapestries, though personally I +would not give a brass farthing for the pair of them, but experts put them +next after the ones at Sens. I can quite see, too, that apart from certain +details which are--well, a trifle realistic, they shew features which +testify to a genuine power of observation. But don't talk to me about the +windows. Is it common sense, I ask you, to leave up windows which shut out +all the daylight, and even confuse the eyes by throwing patches of colour, +to which I should be hard put to it to give a name, on a floor in which +there are not two slabs on the same level? And yet they refuse to renew +the floor for me because, if you please, those are the tombstones of the +Abbots of Combray and the Lords of Guermantes, the old Counts, you know, +of Brabant, direct ancestors of the present Duc de Guermantes, and of his +Duchesse also, since she was a lady of the Guermantes family, and married +her cousin." (My grandmother, whose steady refusal to take any interest in +'persons' had ended in her confusing all their names and titles, whenever +anyone mentioned the Duchesse de Guermantes used to make out that she must +be related to Mme. de Villeparisis. The whole family would then burst out +laughing; and she would attempt to justify herself by harking back to some +invitation to a christening or funeral: "I feel sure that there was a +Guermantes in it somewhere." And for once I would side with the others, +and against her, refusing to admit that there could be any connection +between her school-friend and the descendant of Geneviève de Brabant.) + +"Look at Roussainville," the Curé went on. "It is nothing more nowadays +than a parish of farmers, though in olden times the place must have had a +considerable importance from its trade in felt hats and clocks. (I am not +certain, by the way, of the etymology of Roussainville. I should dearly +like to think that the name was originally Rouville, from _Radulfi villa_, +analogous, don't you see, to Châteauroux, _Castrum Radulfi_, but we will +talk about that some other time.) Very well; the church there has superb +windows, almost all quite modern, including that most imposing 'Entry of +Louis-Philippe into Combray' which would be more in keeping, surely, at +Combray itself, and which is every bit as good, I understand, as the +famous^windows at Chartres. Only yesterday I met Dr. Percepied's brother, +who goes in for these things, and he told me that he looked upon it as a +most beautiful piece of work. But, as I said to this artist, who, by the +way, seems to be a most civil fellow, and is a regular virtuoso, it +appears, with his brush; what on earth, I said to him, do you find so +extraordinary in this window, which is, if anything, a little dingier than +the rest?" + +"I am sure that if you were to ask his Lordship," said my aunt in a +resigned tone, for she had begun to feel that she was going to be 'tired,' +"he would never refuse you a new window." + +"You may depend upon it, Mme. Octave," replied the Curé. "Why, it was just +his Lordship himself who started the outcry about the window, by proving +that it represented Gilbert the Bad, a Lord of Guermantes and a direct +descendant of Geneviève de Brabant, who was a daughter of the House of +Guermantes, receiving absolution from Saint Hilaire." + +"But I don't see where Saint Hilaire comes in." + +"Why yes, have you never noticed, in the corner of the window, a lady in a +yellow robe? Very well, that is Saint Hilaire, who is also known, you will +remember, in certain parts of the country as Saint Illiers, Saint Hèlier, +and even, in the Jura, Saint Ylie. But these various corruptions of +_Sanctus Hilarius_ are by no means the most curious that have occurred in +the names of the blessed Saints. Take, for example, my good Eulalie, the +case of your own patron, _Sancta Eulalia_; do you know what she has become +in Burgundy? Saint Eloi, nothing more nor less! The lady has become a +gentleman. Do you hear that, Eulalie, after you are dead they will make a +man of you!" + +"Father will always have his joke." + +"Gilbert's brother, Charles the Stammerer, was a pious prince, but, having +early in life lost his father, Pepin the Mad, who died as a result of his +mental infirmity, he wielded the supreme power with all the arrogance of a +man who has not been subjected to discipline in his youth, so much so +that, whenever he saw a man in a town whose face he did not remember, he +would massacre the whole place, to the last inhabitant. Gilbert, wishing +to be avenged on Charles, caused the church at Combray to be burned down, +the original church, that was, which Théodebert, when he and his court +left the country residence he had near here, at Thiberzy (which is, of +course, _Theodeberiacus_), to go out and fight the Burgundians, had +promised to build over the tomb of Saint Hilaire if the Saint brought him; +victory. Nothing remains of it now but the crypt, into which Théodore has +probably taken you, for Gilbert burned all the rest. Finally, he defeated +the unlucky Charles with the aid of William" which the Curé pronounced +"Will'am" "the Conqueror, which is why so many English still come to visit +the place. But he does not appear to have managed to win the affection of +the people of Combray, for they fell upon him as he was coming out from +mass, and cut off his head. Théodore has a little book, that he lends +people, which tells you the whole story. + +"But what is unquestionably the most remarkable thing about our church is +the view from the belfry, which is full of grandeur. Certainly in your +case, since you are not very strong, I should never recommend you: to +climb our seven and ninety steps, just half the number they have in the +famous cathedral at Milan. It is quite tiring enough for the most active +person, especially as you have to go on your hands and knees, if you don't +wish to crack your skull, and you collect all the cobwebs off the +staircase upon your clothes. In any case you should be well wrapped up," +he went on, without noticing my aunt's fury at the mere suggestion that +she could ever, possibly, be capable of climbing into his belfry, "for +there's a strong breeze there, once you get to the top. Some people even +assure me that they have felt the chill of death up there. No matter, on +Sundays there are always clubs and societies, who come, some of them, long +distances to admire our beautiful panorama, and they always go home +charmed. Wait now, next Sunday, if the weather holds, you will be sure to +find a lot of people there, for Rogation-tide. You must admit, certainly, +that the view from up there is like a fairy-tale, with what you might call +vistas along the plain, which have quite a special charm of their own. On +a clear day you can see as far as Verneuil. And then another thing; you +can see at the same time places which you are in the habit of seeing one +without the other, as, for instance, the course of the Vivonne and the +ditches at Saint-Assise-lès-Combray, which are separated, really, by a +screen of tall trees; or, to take another example, there are all the +canals at Jouy-le-Vicomte, which is _Gaudiacus vicecomitis_, as of course +you know. Each time that I have been to Jouy I have seen a bit of a canal +in one place, and then I have turned a corner and seen another, but when I +saw the second I could no longer see the first. I tried in vain to imagine +how they lay by one another; it was no good. But, from the top of +Saint-Hilaire, it's quite another matter; the whole countryside is spread +out before you like a map. Only, you cannot make out the water; you would +say that there were great rifts in the town, slicing it up so neatly that +it looks like a loaf of bread which still holds together after it has been +cut up. To get it all quite perfect you would have to be in both places at +once; up here on the top of Saint-Hilaire and down there at +Jouy-le-Vicomte." + +The Curé had so much exhausted my aunt that no sooner had he gone than she +was obliged to send away Eulalie also. + +"Here, my poor Eulalie," she said in a feeble voice, drawing a coin from a +small purse which lay ready to her hand. "This is just something so that +you shall not forget me in your prayers." + +"Oh, but, Mme. Octave, I don't think I ought to; you know very well that I +don't come here for that!" So Eulalie would answer, with the same +hesitation and the same embarrassment, every Sunday, as though each +temptation were the first, and with a look of displeasure which enlivened +my aunt and never offended her, for if it so happened that Eulalie, when +she took the money, looked a little less sulky than usual, my aunt would +remark afterwards, "I cannot think what has come over Eulalie; I gave her +just the trifle I always give, and she did not look at all pleased." + +"I don't think she has very much to complain of, all the same," Françoise +would sigh grimly, for she had a tendency to regard as petty cash all that +my aunt might give her for herself or her children, and as treasure +riotously squandered on a pampered and ungrateful darling the little coins +slipped, Sunday by Sunday, into Eulalie's hand, but so discreetly passed +that Françoise never managed to see them. It was not that she wanted to +have for herself the money my aunt bestowed on Eulalie. She already +enjoyed a sufficiency of all that my aunt possessed, in the knowledge that +the wealth of the mistress automatically ennobled and glorified the maid +in the eyes of the world; and that she herself was conspicuous and worthy +to be praised throughout Combray, Jouy-le-Vicomte, and other cities of +men, on account of my aunt's many farms, her frequent and prolonged visits +from the Curé, and the astonishing number of bottles of Vichy water which +she consumed. Françoise was avaricious only for my aunt; had she had +control over my aunt's fortune (which would have more than satisfied her +highest ambition) she would have guarded it from the assaults of strangers +with a maternal ferocity. She would, however, have seen no great harm in +what my aunt, whom she knew to be incurably generous, allowed herself to +give away, had she given only to those who were already rich. Perhaps she +felt that such persons, not being actually in need of my aunt's presents, +could not be suspected of simulating affection for her on that account. +Besides, presents offered to persons of great wealth and position, such as +Mme. Sazerat, M. Swann, M. Legrandin and Mme. Goupil, to persons of the +'same class' as my aunt, and who would naturally 'mix with her,' seemed to +Françoise to be included among the ornamental customs of that strange and +brilliant life led by rich people, who hunted and shot, gave balls and +paid visits, a life which she would contemplate with an admiring smile. +But it was by no means the same thing if, for this princely exchange of +courtesies, my aunt substituted mere charity, if her beneficiaries were of +the class which Françoise would label "people like myself," or "people no +better than myself," people whom she despised even more if they did not +address her always as "Mme. Françoise," just to shew that they considered +themselves to be 'not as good.' And when she saw that, despite all her +warnings, my aunt continued to do exactly as she pleased, and to fling +money away with both hands (or so, at least, Françoise believed) on +undeserving objects, she began to find that the presents she herself +received from my aunt were very tiny compared to the imaginary riches +squandered upon Eulalie, There was not, in the neighbourhood of Combray, a +farm of such prosperity and importance that Françoise doubted Eulalie's +ability to buy it, without thinking twice, out of the capital which her +visits to my aunt had 'brought in.' It must be added that Eulalie had +formed an exactly similar estimate of the vast and secret hoards of +Françoise. So, every Sunday, after Eulalie had gone, Françoise would +mercilessly prophesy her coming downfall. She hated Eulalie, but was at +the same time afraid of her, and so felt bound, when Eulalie was there, to +'look pleasant.' But she would make up for that after the other's +departure; never, it is true, alluding to her by name, but hinting at her +in Sibylline oracles, or in utterances of a comprehensive character, like +those of Ecclesiastes, the Preacher, but so worded that their special +application could not escape my aunt. After peering out at the side of the +curtain to see whether Eulalie had shut the front-door behind her; +"Flatterers know how to make themselves welcome, and to gather up the +crumbs; but have patience, have patience; our God is a jealous God, and +one fine day He will be avenged upon them!" she would declaim, with the +sidelong, insinuating glance of Joash, thinking of Athaliah alone when he +says that the + + prosperity + Of wicked men runs like a torrent past, + And soon is spent. + +But on this memorable afternoon, when the Curé had come as well, and by +his interminable visit had drained my aunt's strength, Françoise followed +Eulalie from the room, saying: "Mme. Octave, I will leave you to rest; you +look utterly tired out." + +And my aunt answered her not a word, breathing a sigh so faint that it +seemed it must prove her last, and lying there with closed eyes, as though +already dead. But hardly had Françoise arrived downstairs, when four peals +of a bell, pulled with the utmost violence, reverberated through the +house, and my aunt, sitting erect upon her bed, called out: "Has Eulalie +gone yet? Would you believe it; I forgot to ask her whether Mme. Goupil +arrived in church before the Elevation. Run after her, quick!" + +But Françoise returned alone, having failed to overtake Eulalie. "It is +most provoking," said my aunt, shaking her head. "The one important thing +that I had to ask her." + +In this way life went by for my aunt Léonie, always the same, in the +gentle uniformity of what she called, with a pretence of deprecation but +with a deep tenderness, her 'little jog-trot.' Respected by all and +sundry, not merely in her own house, where every one of us, having learned +the futility of recommending any healthier mode of life, had become +gradually resigned to its observance, but in the village as well, where, +three streets away, a tradesman who had to hammer nails into a +packing-case would send first to Françoise to make sure that my aunt was +not 'resting'--her 'little jog-trot' was, none the less, brutally +disturbed on one occasion in this same year. Like a fruit hidden among its +leaves, which has grown and ripened unobserved by man, until it falls of +its own accord, there came upon us one night the kitchen-maid's +confinement. Her pains were unbearable, and, as there was no midwife in +Combray, Françoise had to set off before dawn to fetch one from Thiberzy. +My aunt was unable to 'rest,' owing to the cries of the girl, and as +Françoise, though the distance was nothing, was very late in returning, +her services were greatly missed. And so, in the course of the morning, +my mother said to me: "Run upstairs, and see if your aunt wants anything." + +I went into the first of her two rooms, and through the open door of the +other saw my aunt lying on her side, asleep. I could hear her breathing, +in what was almost distinguishable as a snore. I was just going to slip +away when something, probably the sound of my entry, interrupted her +sleep, and made it 'change speed,' as they say of motorcars nowadays, for +the music of her snore broke off for a second and began again on a lower +note; then she awoke, and half turned her face, which I could see for the +first time; a kind of horror was imprinted on it; plainly she had just +escaped from some terrifying dream. She could not see me from where she +was lying, and I stood there not knowing whether I ought to go forward or +to retire; but all at once she seemed to return to a sense of reality, and +to grasp the falsehood of the visions that had terrified her; a smile of +joy, a pious act of thanksgiving to God, Who is pleased to grant that life +shall be less cruel than our dreams, feebly illumined her face, and, with +the habit she had formed of speaking to herself, half-aloud, when she +thought herself alone, she murmured: "The Lord be praised! We have nothing +to disturb us here but the kitchen-maid's baby. And I've been dreaming +that my poor Octave had come back to life, and was trying to make me take +a walk every day!" She stretched out a hand towards her rosary, which was +lying on the small table, but sleep was once again getting the mastery, +and did not leave her the strength to reach it; she fell asleep, calm and +contented, and I crept out of the room on tiptoe, without either her or +anyone's else ever knowing, from that day to this, what I had seen and +heard. + +When I say that, apart from such rare happenings as this confinement, my +aunt's 'little jog-trot' never underwent any variation, I do not include +those variations which, repeated at regular intervals and in identical +form, did no more, really, than print a sort of uniform pattern upon the +greater uniformity of her life. So, for instance, every Saturday, as +Françoise had to go in the afternoon to market at Roussainville-le-Pin, +the whole household would have to have luncheon an hour earlier. And my +aunt had so thoroughly acquired the habit of this weekly exception to her +general habits, that she clung to it as much as to the rest. She was so +well 'routined' to it, as Françoise would say, that if, on a Saturday, she +had had to wait for her luncheon until the regular hour, it would have +'upset' her as much as if she had had, on an ordinary day, to put her +luncheon forward to its Saturday time. Incidentally this acceleration of +luncheon gave Saturday, for all of us, an individual character, kindly and +rather attractive. At the moment when, ordinarily, there was still an hour +to be lived through before meal-time sounded, we would all know that in a +few seconds we should see the endives make their precocious appearance, +followed by the special favour of an omelette, an unmerited steak. The +return of this asymmetrical Saturday was one of those petty occurrences, +intra-mural, localised, almost civic, which, in uneventful lives and +stable orders of society, create a kind of national unity, and become the +favourite theme for conversation, for pleasantries, for anecdotes which +can be embroidered as the narrator pleases; it would have provided a +nucleus, ready-made, for a legendary cycle, if any of us had had the epic +mind. At daybreak, before we were dressed, without rhyme or reason, save +for the pleasure of proving the strength of our solidarity, we would call +to one another good-humoredly, cordially, patriotically, "Hurry up; +there's no time to be lost; don't forget, it's Saturday!" while my aunt, +gossiping with Françoise, and reflecting that the day would be even longer +than usual, would say, "You might cook them a nice bit of veal, seeing +that it's Saturday." If, at half-past ten, some one absent-mindedly pulled +out a watch and said, "I say, an hour-and-a-half still before luncheon," +everyone else would be in ecstasies over being able to retort at once: +"Why, what are you thinking about? Have you for-gotten that it's +Saturday?" And a quarter of an hour later we would still be laughing, and +reminding ourselves to go up and tell aunt Léonie about this absurd +mistake, to amuse her. The very face of the sky appeared to undergo a +change. After luncheon the sun, conscious that it was Saturday, would +blaze an hour longer in the zenith, and when some one, thinking that we +were late in starting for our walk, said, "What, only two o'clock!" +feeling the heavy throb go by him of the twin strokes from the steeple of +Saint-Hilaire (which as a rule passed no one at that hour upon the +highways, deserted for the midday meal or for the nap which follows it, or +on the banks of the bright and ever-flowing stream, which even the angler +had abandoned, and so slipped unaccompanied into the vacant sky, where +only a few loitering clouds remained to greet them) the whole family would +respond in chorus: "Why, you're forgetting; we had luncheon an hour +earlier; you know very well it's Saturday." + +The surprise of a 'barbarian' (for so we termed everyone who was not +acquainted with Saturday's special customs) who had called at eleven +o'clock to speak to my father, and had found us at table, was an event +which used to cause Françoise as much merriment as, perhaps, anything that +had ever happened in her life. And if she found it amusing that the +nonplussed visitor should not have known, beforehand, that we had our +luncheon an hour earlier on Saturday, it was still more irresistibly funny +that my father himself (fully as she sympathised, from the bottom of her +heart, with the rigid chauvinism which prompted him) should never have +dreamed that the barbarian could fail to be aware of so simple a matter, +and so had replied, with no further enlightenment of the other's surprise +at seeing us already in the dining-room: "You see, it's Saturday." On +reaching this point in the story, Françoise would pause to wipe the tears +of merriment from her eyes, and then, to add to her own enjoyment, would +prolong the dialogue, inventing a further reply for the visitor to whom +the word 'Saturday' had conveyed nothing. And so far from our objecting to +these interpolations, we would feel that the story was not yet long +enough, and would rally her with: "Oh, but surely he said something else +as well. There was more than that, the first time you told it." + +My great-aunt herself would lay aside her work, and raise her head and +look on at us over her glasses. + +The day had yet another characteristic feature, namely, that during May we +used to go out on Saturday evenings after dinner to the 'Month of Mary' +devotions. + +As we were liable, there, to meet M. Vinteuil, who held very strict views +on "the deplorable untidiness of young people, which seems to be +encouraged in these days," my mother would first see that there was +nothing out of order in my appearance, and then we would set out for the +church. It was in these 'Month of Mary' services that I can remember +having first fallen in love with hawthorn-blossom. The hawthorn was not +merely in the church, for there, holy ground as it was, we had all of us a +right of entry; but, arranged upon the altar itself, inseparable from the +mysteries in whose celebration it was playing a part, it thrust in among +the tapers and the sacred vessels its rows of branches, tied to one +another horizontally in a stiff, festal scheme of decoration; and they +were made more lovely still by the scalloped outline of the dark leaves, +over which were scattered in profusion, as over a bridal train, little +clusters of buds of a dazzling whiteness. Though I dared not look at them +save through my fingers, I could feel that the formal scheme was composed +of living things, and that it was Nature herself who, by trimming the +shape of the foliage, and by adding the crowning ornament of those snowy +buds, had made the decorations worthy of what was at once a public +rejoicing and a solemn mystery. Higher up on the altar, a flower had +opened here and there with a careless grace, holding so unconcernedly, +like a final, almost vaporous bedizening, its bunch of stamens, slender as +gossamer, which clouded the flower itself in a white mist, that in +following these with my eyes, in trying to imitate, somewhere inside +myself, the action of their blossoming, I imagined it as a swift and +thoughtless movement of the head with an enticing glance from her +contracted pupils, by a young girl in white, careless and alive. + +M. Vinteuil had come in with his daughter and had sat down beside us. He +belonged to a good family, and had once been music-master to my +grandmother's sisters; so that when, after losing his wife and inheriting +some property, he had retired to the neighbourhood of Combray, we used +often to invite him to our house. But with his intense prudishness he had +given up coming, so as not to be obliged to meet Swann, who had made what +he called "a most unsuitable marriage, as seems to be the fashion in these +days." My mother, on hearing that he 'composed,' told him by way of a +compliment that, when she came to see him, he must play her something of +his own. M. Vinteuil would have liked nothing better, but he carried +politeness and consideration for others to so fine a point, always putting +himself in their place, that he was afraid of boring them, or of appearing +egotistical, if he carried out, or even allowed them to suspect what were +his own desires. On the day when my parents had gone to pay him a visit, I +had accompanied them, but they had allowed me to remain outside, and as M. +Vinteuil's house, Montjouvain, stood on a site actually hollowed out from +a steep hill covered with shrubs, among which I took cover, I had found +myself on a level with his drawing-room, upstairs, and only a few feet +away from its window. When a servant came in to tell him that my parents +had arrived, I had seen M. Vinteuil run to the piano and lay out a sheet +of music so as to catch the eye. But as soon as they entered the room he +had snatched it away and hidden it in a corner. He was afraid, no doubt, +of letting them suppose that he was glad to see them only because it gave +him a chance of playing them some of his compositions. And every time that +my mother, in the course of her visit, had returned to the subject of his +playing, he had hurriedly protested: "I cannot think who put that on the +piano; it is not the proper place for it at all," and had turned the +conversation aside to other topics, simply because those were of less +interest to himself. + +His one and only passion was for his daughter, and she, with her somewhat +boyish appearance, looked so robust that it was hard to restrain a smile +when one saw the precautions her father used to take for her health, with +spare shawls always in readiness to wrap around her shoulders. My +grandmother had drawn our attention to the gentle, delicate, almost timid +expression which might often be caught flitting across the face, dusted +all over with freckles, of this otherwise stolid child. When she had +spoken, she would at once take her own words in the sense in which her +audience must have heard them, she would be alarmed at the possibility of +a misunderstanding, and one would see, in clear outline, as though in a +transparency, beneath the mannish face of the 'good sort' that she was, +the finer features of a young woman in tears. + +When, before turning to leave the church, I made a genuflection before the +altar, I felt suddenly, as I rose again, a bitter-sweet fragrance of +almonds steal towards me from the hawthorn-blossom, and I then noticed +that on the flowers themselves were little spots of a creamier colour, in +which I imagined that this fragrance must lie concealed, as the taste of +an almond cake lay in the burned parts, or the sweetness of Mile. +Vinteuil's cheeks beneath their freckles. Despite the heavy, motionless +silence of the hawthorns, these gusts of fragrance came to me like the +murmuring of an intense vitality, with which the whole altar was quivering +like a roadside hedge explored by living antennae, of which I was reminded +by seeing some stamens, almost red in colour, which seemed to have kept +the springtime virulence, the irritant power of stinging insects now +transmuted into flowers. + +Outside the church we would stand talking for a moment with M. Vinteuil, +in the porch. Boys would be chevying one another in the Square, and he +would interfere, taking the side of the little ones and lecturing the big. +If his daughter said, in her thick, comfortable voice, how glad she had +been to see us, immediately it would seem as though some elder and more +sensitive sister, latent in her, had blushed at this thoughtless, +schoolboyish utterance, which had, perhaps, made us think that she was +angling for an invitation to the house. Her father would then arrange a +cloak over her shoulders, they would clamber into a little dog-cart which +she herself drove, and home they would both go to Montjouvain. As for +ourselves, the next day being Sunday, with no need to be up and stirring +before high mass, if it was a moonlight night and warm, then, instead of +taking us home at once, my father, in his thirst for personal distinction, +would lead us on a long walk round by the Calvary, which my mother's utter +incapacity for taking her bearings, or even for knowing which road she +might be on, made her regard as a triumph of his strategic genius. +Sometimes we would go as far as the viaduct, which began to stride on its +long legs of stone at the railway station, and to me typified all the +wretchedness of exile beyond the last outposts of civilisation, because +every year, as we came down from Paris, we would be warned to take special +care, when we got to Combray, not to miss the station, to be ready before +the train stopped, since it would start again in two minutes and proceed +across the viaduct, out of the lands of Christendom, of which Combray, to +me, represented the farthest limit. We would return by the Boulevard de la +Gare, which contained the most attractive villas in the town. In each of +their gardens the moonlight, copying the art of Hubert Robert, had +scattered its broken staircases of white marble, its fountains of water +and gates temptingly ajar. Its beams had swept away the telegraph office. +All that was left of it was a column, half shattered, but preserving the +beauty of a ruin which endures for all time. I would by now be dragging my +weary limbs, and ready to drop with sleep; the balmy scent of the +lime-trees seemed a consolation which I could obtain only at the price of +great suffering and exhaustion, and not worthy of the effort. From gates +far apart the watchdogs, awakened by our steps in the silence, would set +up an antiphonal barking, as I still hear them bark, at times, in the +evenings, and it is in their custody (when the public gardens of Combray +were constructed on its site) that the Boulevard de la Gare must have +taken refuge, for wherever I may be, as soon as they begin their alternate +challenge and acceptance, I can see it again with all its lime-trees, and +its pavement glistening beneath the moon. + +Suddenly my father would bring us to a standstill and ask my +mother--"Where are we?" Utterly worn out by the walk but still proud of +her husband, she would lovingly confess that she had not the least idea. +He would shrug his shoulders and laugh. And then, as though it had +slipped, with his latchkey, from his waistcoat pocket, he would point out +to us, when it stood before our eyes, the back-gate of our own garden, +which had come hand-in-hand with the familiar corner of the Rue du +Saint-Esprit, to await us, to greet us at the end of our wanderings over +paths unknown. My mother would murmur admiringly "You really are +wonderful!" And from that instant I had not to take another step; the +ground moved forward under my feet in that garden where, for so long, my +actions had ceased to require any control, or even attention, from my +will. Custom came to take me in her arms, carried me all the way up to my +bed, and laid me down there like a little child. + +Although Saturday, by beginning an hour earlier, and by depriving her of +the services of Françoise, passed more slowly than other days for my aunt, +yet, the moment it was past, and a new week begun, she would look forward +with impatience to its return, as something that embodied all the novelty +and distraction which her frail and disordered body was still able to +endure. This was not to say, however, that she did not long, at times, for +some even greater variation, that she did not pass through those abnormal +hours in which one thirsts for something different from what one has, when +those people who, through lack of energy or imagination, are unable to +generate any motive power in themselves, cry out, as the clock strikes or +the postman knocks, in their eagerness for news (even if it be bad news), +for some emotion (even that of grief); when the heartstrings, which +prosperity has silenced, like a harp laid by, yearn to be plucked and +sounded again by some hand, even a brutal hand, even if it shall break +them; when the will, which has with such difficulty brought itself to +subdue its impulse, to renounce its right to abandon itself to its own +uncontrolled desires, and consequent sufferings, would fain cast its +guiding reins into the hands of circumstances, coercive and, it may be, +cruel. Of course, since my aunt's strength, which was completely drained +by the slightest exertion, returned but drop by drop into the pool of her +repose, the reservoir was very slow in filling, and months would go by +before she reached that surplus which other people use up in their daily +activities, but which she had no idea--and could never decide how to +employ. And I have no doubt that then--just as a desire to have her +potatoes served with béchamel sauce, for a change, would be formed, +ultimately, from the pleasure she found in the daily reappearance of those +mashed potatoes of which she was never 'tired'--she would extract from the +accumulation of those monotonous days (on which she so much depended) a +keen expectation of some domestic cataclysm, instantaneous in its +happening, but violent enough to compel her to put into effect, once for +all, one of those changes which she knew would be beneficial to her +health, but to which she could never make up her mind without some such +stimulus. She was genuinely fond of us; she would have enjoyed the long +luxury of weeping for our untimely decease; coming at a moment when she +felt 'well' and was not in a perspiration, the news that the house was +being destroyed by a fire, in which all the rest of us had already +perished, a fire which, in a little while, would not leave one stone +standing upon another, but from which she herself would still have plenty +of time to escape without undue haste, provided that she rose at once from +her bed, must often have haunted her dreams, as a prospect which combined +with the two minor advantages of letting her taste the full savour of her +affection for us in long years of mourning, and of causing universal +stupefaction in the village when she should sally forth to conduct our +obsequies, crushed but courageous, moribund but erect, the paramount and +priceless boon of forcing her at the right moment, with no time to be +lost, no room for weakening hesitations, to go off and spend the summer at +her charming farm of Mirougrain, where there was a waterfall. Inasmuch as +nothing of this sort had ever occurred, though indeed she must often have +pondered the success of such a manoeuvre as she lay alone absorbed in her +interminable games of patience (and though it must have plunged her in +despair from the first moment of its realisation, from the first of those +little unforeseen facts, the first word of calamitous news, whose accents +can never afterwards be expunged from the memory, everything that bears +upon it the imprint of actual, physical death, so terribly different from +the logical abstraction of its possibility) she would fall back from time +to time, to add an interest to her life, upon imagining other, minor +catastrophes, which she would follow up with passion. She would beguile +herself with a sudden suspicion that Françoise had been robbing her, that +she had set a trap to make certain, and had caught her betrayer +red-handed; and being in the habit, when she made up a game of cards by +herself, of playing her own and her adversary's hands at once, she would +first stammer out Françoise's awkward apologies, and then reply to them +with such a fiery indignation that any of us who happened to intrude upon +her at one of these moments would find her bathed in perspiration, her +eyes blazing, her false hair pushed awry and exposing the baldness of her +brows. Françoise must often, from the next room, have heard these mordant +sarcasms levelled at herself, the mere framing of which in words would not +have relieved my aunt's feelings sufficiently, had they been allowed to +remain in a purely immaterial form, without the degree of substance and +reality which she added to them by murmuring them half-aloud. Sometimes, +however, even these counterpane dramas would not satisfy my aunt; she must +see her work staged. And so, on a Sunday, with all the doors mysteriously +closed, she would confide in Eulalie her doubts of Françoise's integrity +and her determination to be rid of her, and on another day she would +confide in Françoise her suspicions of the disloyalty of Eulalie, to whom +the front-door would very soon be closed for good. A few days more, and, +disgusted with her latest confidant, she would again be 'as thick as +thieves' with the traitor, while, before the next performance, the two +would once more have changed their parts. But the suspicions which Eulalie +might occasionally breed in her were no more than a fire of straw, which +must soon subside for lack of fuel, since Eulalie was not living with her +in the house. It was a very different matter when the suspect was +Françoise, of whose presence under the same roof as herself my aunt was +perpetually conscious, while for fear of catching cold, were she to leave +her bed, she would never dare go downstairs to the kitchen to see for +herself whether there was, indeed, any foundation for her suspicions. And +so on by degrees, until her mind had no other occupation than to attempt, +at every hour of the day, to discover what was being done, what was being +concealed from her by Françoise. She would detect the most furtive +movement of Françoise's features, something contradictory in what she was +saying, some desire which she appeared to be screening. And she would +shew her that she was unmasked, by, a single word, which made Françoise +turn pale, and which my aunt seemed to find a cruel satisfaction in +driving into her unhappy servant's heart. And the very next Sunday a +disclosure by Eulalie--like one of those discoveries which suddenly open +up an unsuspected field for exploration to some new science which has +hitherto followed only the beaten paths--proved to my aunt that her own +worst suspicions fell a long way short of the appalling truth. "But +Françoise ought to know that," said Eulalie, "now that you have given her +a carriage." + +"Now that I have given her a carriage!" gasped my aunt. + +"Oh, but I didn't know; I only thought so; I saw her go by yesterday in +her open coach, as proud as Artaban, on her way to Roussainville market. I +supposed that it must be Mme. Octave who had given it to her." + +So on by degrees, until Françoise and my aunt, the quarry and the hunter, +could never cease from trying to forestall each other's devices. My +mother was afraid lest Françoise should develop a genuine hatred of my +aunt, who was doing everything in her power to annoy her. However that +might be, Françoise had come, more and more, to pay an infinitely +scrupulous attention to my aunt's least word and gesture. When she had to +ask her for anything she would hesitate, first, for a long time, making up +her mind how best to begin. And when she had uttered her request, she +would watch my aunt covertly, trying to guess from the expression on her +face what she thought of it, and how she would reply. And in this +way--whereas an artist who had been reading memoirs of the seventeenth +century, and wished to bring himself nearer to the great Louis, would +consider that he was making progress in that direction when he constructed +a pedigree that traced his own descent from some historic family, or when +he engaged in correspondence with one of the reigning Sovereigns of +Europe, and so would shut his eyes to the mistake he was making in seeking +to establish a similarity by an exact and therefore lifeless copy of mere +outward forms--a middle-aged lady in a small country town, by doing no +more than yield whole-hearted obedience to her own irresistible +eccentricities, and to a spirit of mischief engendered by the utter +idleness of her existence, could see, without ever having given a thought +to Louis XIV, the most trivial occupations of her daily life, her morning +toilet, her luncheon, her afternoon nap, assume, by virtue of their +despotic singularity, something of the interest that was to be found in +what Saint-Simon used to call the 'machinery' of life at Versailles; and +was able, too, to persuade herself that her silence, a shade of good +humour or of arrogance on her features, would provide Françoise with +matter for a mental commentary as tense with passion and terror, as did +the silence, the good humour or the arrogance of the King when a courtier, +or even his greatest nobles, had presented a petition to him, at the +turning of an avenue, at Versailles. + +One Sunday, when my aunt had received simultaneous visits from the Curé +and from Eulalie, and had been left alone, afterwards, to rest, the whole +family went upstairs to bid her good night, and Mamma ventured to condole +with her on the unlucky coincidence that always brought both visitors to +her door at the same time. + +"I hear that things went wrong again to-day, Léonie," she said kindly, +"you have had all your friends here at once." + +And my great-aunt interrupted with: "Too many good things..." +for, since her daughter's illness, she felt herself in duty bound to +revive her as far as possible by always drawing her attention to the +brighter side of things. But my father had begun to speak. + +"I should like to take advantage," he said, "of the whole family's being +here together, to tell you a story, so as not to have to begin all over +again to each of you separately. I am afraid we are in M. Legrandin's bad +books; he would hardly say 'How d'ye do' to me this morning." + +I did not wait to hear the end of my father's story, for I had been with +him myself after mass when we had passed M. Legrandin; instead, I went +downstairs to the kitchen to ask for the bill of fare for our dinner, +which was of fresh interest to me daily, like the news in a paper, and +excited me as might the programme of a coming festivity. + +As M. Legrandin had passed close by us on our way from church, walking by +the side of a lady, the owner of a country house in the neighbourhood, +whom we knew only by sight, my father had saluted him in a manner at once +friendly and reserved, without stopping in his walk; M. Legrandin had +barely acknowledged the courtesy, and then with an air of surprise, as +though he had not recognised us, and with that distant look characteristic +of people who do not wish to be agreeable, and who from the suddenly +receding depths of their eyes seem to have caught sight of you at the far +end of an interminably straight road, and at so great a distance that they +content themselves with directing towards you an almost imperceptible +movement of the head, in proportion to your doll-like dimensions. + +Now, the lady who was walking with Legrandin was a model of virtue, known +and highly respected; there could be no question of his being out for +amorous adventure, and annoyed at being detected; and my father asked +himself how he could possibly have displeased our friend. + +"I should be all the more sorry to feel that he was angry with us," he +said, "because among all those people in their Sunday clothes there is +something about him, with his little cut-away coat and his soft neckties, +so little 'dressed-up,' so genuinely simple; an air of innocence, almost, +which is really attractive." + +But the vote of the family council was unanimous, that my father had +imagined the whole thing, or that Legrandin, at the moment in question, +had been preoccupied in thinking about something else. Anyhow, my father's +fears were dissipated no later than the following evening. As we returned +from a long walk we saw, near the Pont-Vieux, Legrandin himself, who, on +account of the holidays, was spending a few days more in Combray. He came +up to us with outstretched hand: "Do you know, master book-lover," he +asked me, "this line of Paul Desjardins? + + Now are the woods all black, but still the sky is blue. + +Is not that a fine rendering of a moment like this? Perhaps you have never +read Paul Desjardins. Read him, my boy, read him; in these days he is +converted, they tell me, into a preaching friar, but he used to have the +most charming water-colour touch-- + + Now are the woods all black, but still the sky is blue. + +May you always see a blue sky overhead, my young friend; and then, even +when the time comes, which is coming now for me, when the woods are all +black, when night is fast falling, you will be able to console yourself, +as I am doing, by looking up to the sky." He took a cigarette from his +pocket and stood for a long time, his eyes fixed on the horizon. "Goodbye, +friends!" he suddenly exclaimed, and left us. + +At the hour when I usually went downstairs to find out what there was for +dinner, its preparation would already have begun, and Françoise, a colonel +with all the forces of nature for her subalterns, as in the fairy-tales +where giants hire themselves out as scullions, would be stirring the +coals, putting the potatoes to steam, and, at the right moment, finishing +over the fire those culinary masterpieces which had been first got ready +in some of the great array of vessels, triumphs of the potter's craft, +which ranged from tubs and boilers and cauldrons and fish kettles down to +jars for game, moulds for pastry, and tiny pannikins for cream, and +included an entire collection of pots and pans of every shape and size. I +would stop by the table, where the kitchen-maid had shelled them, to +inspect the platoons of peas, drawn up in ranks and numbered, like little +green marbles, ready for a game; but what fascinated me would be the +asparagus, tinged with ultramarine and rosy pink which ran from their +heads, finely stippled in mauve and azure, through a series of +imperceptible changes to their white feet, still stained a little by the +soil of their garden-bed: a rainbow-loveliness that was not of this world. +I felt that these celestial hues indicated the presence of exquisite +creatures who had been pleased to assume vegetable form, who, through the +disguise which covered their firm and edible flesh, allowed me to discern +in this radiance of earliest dawn, these hinted rainbows, these blue +evening shades, that precious quality which I should recognise again when, +all night long after a dinner at which I had partaken of them, they played +(lyrical and coarse in their jesting as the fairies in Shakespeare's +_Dream_) at transforming my humble chamber into a bower of aromatic +perfume. + +Poor Giotto's Charity, as Swann had named her, charged by Françoise with +the task of preparing them for the table, would have them lying beside her +in a basket; sitting with a mournful air, as though all the sorrows of the +world were heaped upon her; and the light crowns of azure which capped the +asparagus shoots above their pink jackets would be finely and separately +outlined, star by star, as in Giotto's fresco are the flowers banded about +the brows, or patterning the basket of his Virtue at Padua. And, +meanwhile, Françoise would be turning on the spit one of those chickens, +such as she alone knew how to roast, chickens which had wafted far abroad +from Combray the sweet savour of her merits, and which, while she was +serving them to us at table, would make the quality of kindness +predominate for the moment in my private conception of her character; the +aroma of that cooked flesh, which she knew how to make so unctuous and so +tender, seeming to me no more than the proper perfume of one of her many +virtues. + +But the day on which, while my father took counsel with his family upon +our strange meeting with Legrandin, I went down to the kitchen, was one of +those days when Giotto's Charity, still very weak and ill after her recent +confinement, had been unable to rise from her bed; Françoise, being +without assistance, had fallen into arrears. When I went in, I saw her in +the back-kitchen which opened on to the courtyard, in process of killing a +chicken; by its desperate and quite natural resistance, which Françoise, +beside herself with rage as she attempted to slit its throat beneath the +ear, accompanied with shrill cries of "Filthy creature! Filthy creature!" +it made the saintly kindness and unction of our servant rather less +prominent than it would do, next day at dinner, when it made its +appearance in a skin gold-embroidered like a chasuble, and its precious +juice was poured out drop by drop as from a pyx. When it was dead +Françoise mopped up its streaming blood, in which, however, she did not +let her rancour drown, for she gave vent to another burst of rage, and, +gazing down at the carcass of her enemy, uttered a final "Filthy +creature!" + +I crept out of the kitchen and upstairs, trembling all over; I could have +prayed, then, for the instant dismissal of Françoise. But who would have +baked me such hot rolls, boiled me such fragrant coffee, and even--roasted +me such chickens? And, as it happened, everyone else had already had to +make the same cowardly reckoning. For my aunt Léonie knew (though I was +still in ignorance of this) that Françoise, who, for her own daughter or +for her nephews, would have given her life without a murmur, shewed a +singular implacability in her dealings with the rest of the world. In +spite of which my aunt still retained her, for, while conscious of her +cruelty, she could appreciate her services. I began gradually to realise +that Françoise's kindness, her compunction, the sum total of her virtues +concealed many of these back-kitchen tragedies, just as history reveals to +us that the reigns of the kings and queens who are portrayed as kneeling +with clasped hands in the windows of churches, were stained by oppression +and bloodshed. I had taken note of the fact that, apart from her own +kinsfolk, the sufferings of humanity inspired in her a pity which +increased in direct ratio to the distance separating the sufferers from +herself. The tears which flowed from her in torrents when she read of the +misfortunes of persons unknown to her, in a newspaper, were quickly +stemmed once she had been able to form a more accurate mental picture of +the victims. One night, shortly after her confinement, the kitchen-maid +was seized with the most appalling pains; Mamma heard her groans, and rose +and awakened Françoise, who, quite unmoved, declared that all the outcry +was mere malingering, that the girl wanted to 'play the mistress' in the +house. The doctor, who had been afraid of some such attack, had left a +marker in a medical dictionary which we had, at the page on which the +symptoms were described, and had told us to turn up this passage, where we +would find the measures of 'first aid' to be adopted. My mother sent +Françoise to fetch the book, warning her not to let the marker drop out. +An hour elapsed, and Françoise had not returned; my mother, supposing that +she had gone back to bed, grew vexed, and told me to go myself to the +bookcase and fetch the volume. I did so, and there found Françoise who, in +her curiosity to know what the marker indicated, had begun to read the +clinical account of these after-pains, and was violently sobbing, now that +it was a question of a type of illness with which she was not familiar. At +each painful symptom mentioned by the writer she would exclaim: "Oh, oh, +Holy Virgin, is it possible that God wishes any wretched human creature to +suffer so? Oh, the poor girl!" + +But when I had called her, and she had returned to the bedside of Giotto's +Charity, her tears at once ceased to flow; she could find no stimulus for +that pleasant sensation of tenderness and pity which she very well knew, +having been moved to it often enough by the perusal of newspapers; nor any +other pleasure of the same kind in her sense of weariness and irritation +at being pulled out of bed in the middle of the night for the +kitchen-maid; so that at the sight of those very sufferings, the printed +account of which had moved her to tears, she had nothing to offer but +ill-tempered mutterings, mingled with bitter sarcasm, saying, when she +thought that we had gone out of earshot: "Well, she need never have done +what she must have done to bring all this about! She found that pleasant +enough, I dare say! She had better not put on any airs now. All the same, +he must have been a god-forsaken young man to go after _that_. Dear, dear, +it's just as they used to say in my poor mother's country: + + Snaps and snails and puppy-dogs' tails, + And dirty sluts in plenty, + Smell sweeter than roses in young men's noses + When the heart is one-and-twenty." + +Although, when her grandson had a slight cold in his head, she would Bet +off at night, even if she were ill also, instead of going to bed, to see +whether he had everything that he wanted, covering ten miles on foot +before daybreak so as to be in time to begin her work, this same love for +her own people, and her desire to establish the future greatness of her +house on a solid foundation reacted, in her policy with regard to the +other servants, in one unvarying maxim, which was never to let any of them +set foot in my aunt's room; indeed she shewed a sort of pride in not +allowing anyone else to come near my aunt, preferring, when she herself +was ill, to get out of bed and to administer the Vichy water in person, +rather than to concede to the kitchen-maid the right of entry into her +mistress's presence. There is a species of hymenoptera, observed by +Fabre, the burrowing wasp, which in order to provide a supply of fresh +meat for her offspring after her own decease, calls in the science of +anatomy to amplify the resources of her instinctive cruelty, and, having +made a collection of weevils and spiders, proceeds with marvellous +knowledge and skill to pierce the nerve-centre on which their power of +locomotion (but none of their other vital functions) depends, so that the +paralysed insect, beside which her egg is laid, will furnish the larva, +when it is hatched, with a tamed and inoffensive quarry, incapable either +of flight or of resistance, but perfectly fresh for the larder: in the +same way Françoise had adopted, to minister to her permanent and +unfaltering resolution to render the house uninhabitable to any other +servant, a series of crafty and pitiless stratagems. Many years later we +discovered that, if we had been fed on asparagus day after day throughout +that whole season, it was because the smell of the plants gave the poor +kitchen-maid, who had to prepare them, such violent attacks of asthma that +she was finally obliged to leave my aunt's service. + +Alas! we had definitely to alter our opinion of M. Legrandin. On one-of +the Sundays following our meeting with him on the Pont-Vieux, after which +my father had been forced to confess himself mistaken, as mass drew to an +end, and, with the sunshine and the noise of the outer world, something +else invaded the church, an atmosphere so far from sacred that Mme. +Goupil, Mme. Percepied (all those, in fact, who a moment ago, when I +arrived a little late, had been sitting motionless, their eyes fixed on +their prayer-books; who, I might even have thought, had not seen me come +in, had not their feet moved slightly to push away the little +kneeling-desk which was preventing me from getting to my chair) began in +loud voices to discuss with us all manner of utterly mundane topics, as +though we were already outside in the Square, we saw, standing on the +sun-baked steps of the porch, dominating the many-coloured tumult of the +market, Legrandin himself, whom the husband of the lady we had seen with +him, on the previous occasion, was just going to introduce to the wife of +another large landed proprietor of the district. Legrandin's face shewed +an extraordinary zeal and animation; he made a profound bow, with a +subsidiary backward movement which brought his spine sharply up into a +position behind its starting-point, a gesture in which he must have been +trained by the husband of his sister, Mme. de Cambremer. This rapid +recovery caused a sort of tense muscular wave to ripple over Legrandin's +hips, which I had not supposed to be so fleshy; I cannot say why, but this +undulation of pure matter, this wholly carnal fluency, with not the least +hint in it of spiritual significance, this wave lashed to a fury by the +wind of an assiduity, an obsequiousness of the basest sort, awoke my mind +suddenly to the possibility of a Legrandin altogether different from the +one whom we knew. The lady gave him some message for her coachman, and +while he was stepping down to her carriage the impression of joy, timid +and devout, which the introduction had stamped there, still lingered on +his face. Carried away in a sort of dream, he smiled, then he began to +hurry back towards the lady; he was walking faster than usual, and his +shoulders swayed backwards and forwards, right and left, in the most +absurd fashion; altogether he looked, so utterly had he abandoned himself +to it, ignoring all other considerations, as though he were the lifeless +and wire-pulled puppet of his own happiness. Meanwhile we were coming out +through the porch; we were passing close beside him; he was too well bred +to turn his head away; but he fixed his eyes, which had suddenly changed +to those of a seer, lost in the profundity of his vision, on so distant a +point of the horizon that he could not see us, and so had not to +acknowledge our presence. His face emerged, still with an air of +innocence, from his straight and pliant coat, which looked as though +conscious of having been led astray, in spite of itself, and plunged into +surroundings of a detested splendour. And a spotted necktie, stirred by +the breezes of the Square, continued to float in front of Legrandin, like +the standard of his proud isolation, of his noble independence. Just as we +reached the house my mother discovered that we had forgotten the +'Saint-Honoré,' and asked my father to go back with me and tell them to +send it up at once. Near the church we met Legrandin, coming towards us +with the same lady, whom he was escorting to her carriage. He brushed past +us, and did not interrupt what he was saying to her, but gave us, out of +the corner of his blue eye, a little sign, which began and ended, so to +speak, inside his eyelids, and as it did not involve the least movement of +his facial muscles, managed to pass quite unperceived by the lady; but, +striving to compensate by the intensity of his feelings for the somewhat +restricted field in which they had to find expression, he made that blue +chink, which was set apart for us, sparkle with all the animation of +cordiality, which went far beyond mere playfulness, and almost touched the +border-line of roguery; he subtilised the refinements of good-fellowship +into a wink of connivance, a hint, a hidden meaning, a secret +understanding, all the mysteries of complicity in a plot, and finally +exalted his assurances of friendship to the level of protestations of +affection, even of a declaration of love, lighting up for us, and for us +alone, with a secret and languid flame invisible by the great lady upon +his other side, an enamoured pupil in a countenance of ice. + +Only the day before he had asked my parents to send me to dine with him on +this same Sunday evening. "Come and bear your aged friend company," he had +said to me. "Like the nosegay which a traveller sends us from some land to +which we shall never go again, come and let me breathe from the far +country of your adolescence the scent of those flowers of spring among +which I also used to wander, many years ago. Come with the primrose, with +the canon's beard, with the gold-cup; come with the stone-crop, whereof +are posies made, pledges of love, in the Balzacian flora, come with that +flower of the Resurrection morning, the Easter daisy, come with the +snowballs of the guelder-rose, which begin to embalm with their fragrance +the alleys of your great-aunt's garden ere the last snows of Lent are +melted from its soil. Come with the glorious silken raiment of the lily, +apparel fit for Solomon, and with the many-coloured enamel of the pansies, +but come, above all, with the spring breeze, still cooled by the last +frosts of wirier, wafting apart, for the two butterflies' sake, that have +waited outside all morning, the closed portals of the first Jerusalem +rose." + +The question was raised at home whether, all things considered, I ought +still to be sent to dine with M. Legrandin. But my grandmother refused to +believe that he could have been impolite. + +"You admit yourself that he appears at church there, quite simply dressed, +and all that; he hardly looks like a man of fashion." She added that; in +any event, even if, at the worst, he had been intentionally rude, it was +far better for us to pretend that we had noticed nothing. And indeed my +father himself, though more annoyed than any of us by the attitude which +Legrandin had adopted, may still have held in reserve a final uncertainty +as to its true meaning. It was like every attitude or action which reveals +a man's deep and hidden character; they bear no relation to what he has +previously said, and we cannot confirm our suspicions by the culprit's +evidence, for he will admit nothing; we are reduced to the evidence of our +own senses, and we ask ourselves, in the face of this detached and +incoherent fragment of recollection, whether indeed our senses have not +been the victims of a hallucination; with the result that such attitudes, +and these alone are of importance in indicating character, are the most +apt to leave us in perplexity. + +I dined with Legrandin on the terrace of his house, by moonlight. "There +is a charming quality, is there not," he said to me, "in this silence; for +hearts that are wounded, as mine is, a novelist, whom you will read in +time to come, claims that there is no remedy but silence and shadow. And +see you this, my boy, there comes in all lives a time, towards which you +still have far to go, when the weary eyes can endure but one kind of +light, the light which a fine evening like this prepares for us in the +stillroom of darkness, when the ears can listen to no music save what the +moonlight breathes through the flute of silence." + +I could hear what M. Legrandin was saying; like everything that he said, +it sounded attractive; but I was disturbed by the memory of a lady whom I +had seen recently for the first time; and thinking, now that I knew that +Legrandin was on friendly terms with several of the local aristocracy, +that perhaps she also was among his acquaintance, I summoned up all my +courage and said to him: "Tell me, sir, do you, by any chance, know the +lady--the ladies of Guermantes?" and I felt glad because, in pronouncing +the name, I had secured a sort of power over it, by the mere act of +drawing it up out of my dreams and giving it an objective existence in the +world of spoken things. + +But, at the sound of the word Guermantes, I saw in the middle of each of +our friend's blue eyes a little brown dimple appear, as though they had +been stabbed by some invisible pin-point, while the rest of his pupils, +reacting from the shock, received and secreted the azure overflow. His +fringed eyelids darkened, and drooped. His mouth, which had been stiffened +and seared with bitter lines, was the first to recover, and smiled, while +his eyes still seemed full of pain, like the eyes of a good-looking martyr +whose body bristles with arrows. + +"No, I do not know them," he said, but instead of uttering so simple a +piece of information, a reply in which there was so little that could +astonish me, in the natural and conversational tone which would have +befitted it, he recited it with a separate stress upon each word, leaning +forward, bowing his head, with at once the vehemence which a man gives, so +as to be believed, to a highly improbable statement (as though the fact +that he did not know the Guermantes could be due only to some strange +accident of fortune) and with the emphasis of a man who, finding himself +unable to keep silence about what is to him a painful situation, chooses +to proclaim it aloud, so as to convince his hearers that the confession he +is making is one that causes him no embarrassment, but is easy, agreeable, +spontaneous, that the situation in question, in this case the absence of +relations with the Guermantes family, might very well have been not forced +upon, but actually designed by Legrandin himself, might arise from some +family tradition, some moral principle or mystical vow which expressly +forbade his seeking their society. + +"No," he resumed, explaining by his words the tone in which they were +uttered. "No, I do not know them; I have never wished to know them; I have +always made a point of preserving complete independence; at heart, as you +know, I am a bit of a Radical. People are always coming to me about it, +telling me I am mistaken in not going to Guermantes, that I make myself +seem ill-bred, uncivilised, an old bear. But that's not the sort of +reputation that can frighten me; it's too true! In my heart of hearts I +care for nothing in the world now but a few churches, books--two or three, +pictures--rather more, perhaps, and the light of the moon when the fresh +breeze of youth (such as yours) wafts to my nostrils the scent of gardens +whose flowers my old eyes are not sharp enough, now, to distinguish." + +I did not understand very clearly why, in order to refrain from going to +the houses of people whom one did not know, it should be necessary to +cling to one's independence, nor how that could give one the appearance of +a savage or a bear. But what I did understand was this, that Legrandin was +not altogether truthful when he said that he cared only for churches, +moonlight, and youth; he cared also, he cared a very great deal, for +people who lived in country houses, and would be so much afraid, when in +their company, of incurring their displeasure that he would never dare to +let them see that he numbered, as well, among his friends middle-class +people, the families of solicitors and stockbrokers, preferring, if the +truth must be known, that it should be revealed in his absence, when he +was out of earshot, that judgment should go against him (if so it must) by +default: in a word, he was a snob. Of course he would never have admitted +all or any of this in the poetical language which my family and I so much +admired. And if I asked him, "Do you know the Guermantes family?" +Legrandin the talker would reply, "No, I have never cared to know them." +But unfortunately the talker was now subordinated to another Legrandin, +whom he kept carefully hidden in his breast, whom he would never +consciously exhibit, because this other could tell stories about our own +Legrandin and about his snobbishness which would have ruined his +reputation for ever; and this other Legrandin had replied to me already in +that wounded look, that stiffened smile, the undue gravity of his tone in +uttering those few words, in the thousand arrows by which our own +Legrandin had instantaneously been stabbed and sickened, like a Saint +Sebastian of snobbery: + +"Oh, how you hurt me! No, I do not know the Guermantes family. Do not +remind me of the great sorrow of my life." And since this other, this +irrepressible, dominant, despotic Legrandin, if he lacked our Legrandin's +charming vocabulary, shewed an infinitely greater promptness in expressing +himself, by means of what are called 'reflexes,' it followed that, when +Legrandin the talker attempted to silence him, he would already have +spoken, and it would be useless for our friend to deplore the bad +impression which the revelations of his _alter ego_ must have caused, +since he could do no more now than endeavour to mitigate them. + +This was not to say that M. Legrandin was anything but sincere when he +inveighed against snobs. He could not (from his own knowledge, at least) +be aware that he was one also, since it is only with the passions of +others that we are ever really familiar, and what we come to find out +about our own can be no more than what other people have shewn us. Upon +ourselves they react but indirectly, through our imagination, which +substitutes for our actual, primary motives other, secondary motives, less +stark and therefore more decent. Never had Legrandin's snobbishness +impelled him to make a habit of visiting a duchess as such. Instead, it +would set his imagination to make that duchess appear, in Legrandin's +eyes, endowed with all the graces. He would be drawn towards the duchess, +assuring himself the while that he was yielding to the attractions of her +mind, and her other virtues, which the vile race of snobs could never +understand. Only his fellow-snobs knew that he was of their number, for, +owing to their inability to appreciate the intervening efforts of his +imagination, they saw in close juxtaposition the social activities of +Legrandin and their primary cause. + +At home, meanwhile, we had no longer any illusions as to M. Legrandin, and +our relations with him had become much more distant. Mamma would be +greatly delighted whenever she caught him red-handed in the sin, which he +continued to call the unpardonable sin, of snobbery. As for my father, he +found it difficult to take Legrandin's airs in so light, in so detached a +spirit; and when there was some talk, one year, of sending me to spend the +long summer holidays at Balbec with my grandmother, he said: "I must, most +certainly, tell Legrandin that you are going to Balbec, to see whether he +will offer you an introduction to his sister. He probably doesn't remember +telling us that she lived within a mile of the place." + +My grandmother, who held that, when one went to the seaside, one ought to +be on the beach from morning to night, to taste the salt breezes, and that +one should not know anyone in the place, because calls and parties and +excursions were so much time stolen from what belonged, by rights, to the +sea-air, begged him on no account to speak to Legrandin of our plans; for +already, in her mind's eye, she could see his sister, Mme. de Cambremer, +alighting from her carriage at the door of our hotel just as we were on +the point of going out fishing, and obliging us to remain indoors all +afternoon to entertain her. But Mamma laughed her fears to scorn, for she +herself felt that the danger was not so threatening, and that Legrandin +would shew no undue anxiety to make us acquainted with his sister. And, as +it happened, there was no need for any of us to introduce the subject of +Balbec, for it was Legrandin himself who, without the least suspicion that +we had ever had any intention of visiting those parts, walked into the +trap uninvited one evening, when we met him strolling on the banks of the +Vivonne. + +"There are tints in the clouds this evening, violets and blues, which are +very beautiful, are they not, my friend?" he said to my father. +"Especially a blue which is far more floral than atmospheric, a cineraria +blue, which it is surprising to see in the sky. And that little pink cloud +there, has it not just the tint of some flower, a carnation or hydrangea? +Nowhere, perhaps, except on the shores of the English Channel, where +Normandy merges into Brittany, have I been able to find such copious +examples of what you might call a vegetable kingdom in the clouds. Down +there, close to Balbec, among all those places which are still so +uncivilised, there is a little bay, charmingly quiet, where the sunsets of +the Auge Valley, those red-and-gold sunsets (which, all the same, I am +very far from despising) seem commonplace and insignificant; for in that +moist and gentle atmosphere these heavenly flower-beds will break into +blossom, in a few moments, in the evenings, incomparably lovely, and often +lasting for hours before they fade. Others shed their leaves at once, and +then it is more beautiful still to see the sky strewn with the scattering +of their innumerable petals, sulphurous yellow and rosy red. In that bay, +which they call the Opal Bay, the golden sands appear more charming still +from being fastened, like fair Andromeda, to those terrible rocks of the +surrounding coast, to that funereal shore, famed for the number of its +wrecks, where every winter many a brave vessel falls a victim to the +perils of the sea. Balbec! the oldest bone in the geological skeleton that +underlies our soil, the true Armor, the sea, the land's end, the accursed +region which Anatole France--an enchanter whose works our young friend +ought to read--has so well depicted, beneath its eternal fogs, as though +it were indeed the land of the Cimmerians in the Odyssey. Balbec; yes, +they are building hotels there now, superimposing them upon its ancient +and charming soil, which they are powerless to alter; how delightful it +is, down there, to be able to step out at once into regions so primitive +and so entrancing." + +"Indeed! And do you know anyone at Balbec?" inquired my father. "This +young man is just going to spend a couple of months there with his +grandmother, and my wife too, perhaps." + +Legrandin, taken unawares by the question at a moment when he was looking +directly at my father, was unable to turn aside his gaze, and so +concentrated it with steadily increasing intensity--smiling mournfully the +while--upon the eyes of his questioner, with an air of friendliness and +frankness and of not being afraid to look him in the face, until he seemed +to have penetrated my father's skull, as it had been a ball of glass, and +to be seeing, at the moment, a long way beyond and behind it, a brightly +coloured cloud, which provided him with a mental alibi, and would enable +him to establish the theory that, just when he was being asked whether he +knew anyone at Balbec, he had been thinking of something else, and so had +not heard the question. As a rule these tactics make the questioner +proceed to ask, "Why, what are you thinking about?" But my father, +inquisitive, annoyed, and cruel, repeated: "Have you friends, then, in +that neighbourhood, that you know Balbec so well?" + +In a final and desperate effort the smiling gaze of Legrandin struggled to +the extreme limits of its tenderness, vagueness, candour, and distraction; +then feeling, no doubt, that there was nothing left for it now but to +answer, he said to us: "I have friends all the world over, wherever there +are companies of trees, stricken but not defeated, which have come +together to offer a common supplication, with pathetic obstinacy, to an +inclement sky which has no mercy upon them." + +"That is not quite what I meant," interrupted my father, obstinate as a +tree and merciless as the sky. "I asked you, in case anything should +happen to my mother-in-law and she wanted to feel that she was not all +alone down there, at the ends of the earth, whether you knew any of the +people." + +"There as elsewhere, I know everyone and I know no one," replied +Legrandin, who was by no means ready yet to surrender; "places I know +well, people very slightly. But, down there, the places themselves seem to +me just like people, rare and wonderful people, of a delicate quality +which would have been corrupted and ruined by the gift of life. Perhaps it +is a castle which you encounter upon the cliff's edge; standing there by +the roadside, where it has halted to contemplate its sorrows before an +evening sky, still rosy, through which a golden moon is climbing; while +the fishing-boats, homeward bound, creasing the watered silk of the +Channel, hoist its pennant at their mastheads and carry its colours. Or +perhaps it is a simple dwelling-house that stands alone, ugly, if +anything, timid-seeming but full of romance, hiding from every eye some +imperishable secret of happiness and disenchantment. That land which knows +not truth," he continued with Machiavellian subtlety, "that land of +infinite fiction makes bad reading for any boy; and is certainly not what +I should choose or recommend for my young friend here, who is already so +much inclined to melancholy, for a heart already predisposed to receive +its impressions. Climates that breathe amorous secrets and futile regrets +may agree with an old and disillusioned man like myself; but they must +always prove fatal to a temperament which is still unformed. Believe me," +he went on with emphasis, "the waters of that bay--more Breton than +Norman--may exert a sedative influence, though even that is of +questionable value, upon a heart which, like mine, is no longer unbroken, +a heart for whose wounds there is no longer anything to compensate. But at +your age, my boy, those waters are contra-indicated.... Good night to you, +neighbours," he added, moving away from us with that evasive abruptness to +which we were accustomed; and then, turning towards us, with a +physicianly finger raised in warning, he resumed the consultation: "No +Balbec before you are fifty!" he called out to me, "and even then it must +depend on the state of the heart." + +My father spoke to him of it again, as often as we met him, and tortured +him with questions, but it was labour in vain: like that scholarly +swindler who devoted to the fabrication of forged palimpsests a wealth of +skill and knowledge and industry the hundredth part of which would have +sufficed to establish him in a more lucrative--but an honourable +occupation, M. Legrandin, had we insisted further, would in the end have +constructed a whole system of ethics, and a celestial geography of Lower +Normandy, sooner than admit to us that, within a mile of Balbec, his own +sister was living in her own house; sooner than find himself obliged to +offer us a letter of introduction, the prospect of which would never have +inspired him with such terror had he been absolutely certain--as, from his +knowledge of my grandmother's character, he really ought to have been +certain--that in no circumstances whatsoever would we have dreamed of +making use of it. + + + +* * * + + + +We used always to return from our walks in good time to pay aunt Léonie a +visit before dinner. In the first weeks of our Combray holidays, when the +days ended early, we would still be able to see, as we turned into the Rue +du Saint-Esprit, a reflection of the western sky from the windows of the +house and a band of purple at the foot of the Calvary, which was mirrored +further on in the pond; a fiery glow which, accompanied often by a cold +that burned and stung, would associate itself in my mind with the glow of +the fire over which, at that very moment, was roasting the chicken that +was to furnish me, in place of the poetic pleasure I had found in my walk, +with the sensual pleasures of good feeding, warmth and rest. But in +summer, when we came back to the house, the sun would not have set; and +while we were upstairs paying our visit to aunt Léonie its rays, sinking +until they touched and lay along her window-sill, would there be caught +and held by the large inner curtains and the bands which tied them back to +the wall, and split and scattered and filtered; and then, at last, would +fall upon and inlay with tiny flakes of gold the lemonwood of her +chest-of-drawers, illuminating the room in their passage with the same +delicate, slanting, shadowed beams that fall among the boles of forest +trees. But on some days, though very rarely, the chest-of-drawers would +long since have shed its momentary adornments, there would no longer, as +we turned into the Rue du Saint-Esprit, be any reflection from the western +sky burning along the line of window-panes; the pond beneath the Calvary +would have lost its fiery glow, sometimes indeed had changed already to an +opalescent pallor, while a long ribbon of moonlight, bent and broken and +broadened by every ripple upon the water's surface, would be lying across +it, from end to end. Then, as we drew near the house, we would make out a +figure standing upon the doorstep, and Mamma would say to me: "Good +heavens! There is Françoise looking out for us; your aunt must be anxious; +that means we are late." + +And without wasting time by stopping to take off our 'things' we would fly +upstairs to my aunt Léonie's room to reassure her, to prove to her by our +bodily presence that all her gloomy imaginings were false, that, on the +contrary, nothing had happened to us, but that we had gone the 'Guermantes +way,' and, good lord, when one took that walk, my aunt knew well +enough that one could never say at what time one would be home. + +"There, Françoise," my aunt would say, "didn't I tell you that they must +have gone the Guermantes way? Good gracious! They must be hungry! And your +nice leg of mutton will be quite dried up now, after all the hours it's +been waiting. What a time to come in! Well, and so you went the Guermantes +way?" + +"But, Leonie, I supposed you knew," Mamma would answer. "I thought that +Françoise had seen us go out by the little gate, through the +kitchen-garden." + +For there were, in the environs of Combray, two 'ways' which we used to +take for our walks, and so diametrically opposed that we would actually +leave the house by a different door, according to the way we had chosen: +the way towards Méséglise-la-Vineuse, which we called also 'Swann's way,' +because, to get there, one had to pass along the boundary of M. Swann's +estate, and the 'Guermantes way.' Of Méséglise-la-Vineuse, to tell the +truth, I never knew anything more than the way there, and the strange +people who would come over on Sundays to take the air in Combray, people +whom, this time, neither my aunt nor any of us would 'know at all,' and +whom we would therefore assume to be 'people who must have come over from +Méséglise.' As for Guermantes, I was to know it well enough one day, but +that day had still to come; and, during the whole of my boyhood, if +Méséglise was to me something as inaccessible as the horizon, which +remained hidden from sight, however far one went, by the folds of a +country which no longer bore the least resemblance to the country round +Combray; Guermantes, on the other hand, meant no more than the ultimate +goal, ideal rather than real, of the 'Guermantes way,' a sort of abstract +geographical term like the North Pole or the Equator. And so to 'take the +Guermantes way' in order to get to Méséglise, or vice versa, would have +seemed to me as nonsensical a proceeding as to turn to the east in order +to reach the west. Since my father used always to speak of the 'Méséglise +way' as comprising the finest view of a plain that he knew anywhere, and +of the 'Guermantes way' as typical of river scenery, I had invested each +of them, by conceiving them in this way as two distinct entities, with +that cohesion, that unity which belongs only to the figments of the mind; +the smallest detail of either of them appeared to me as a precious thing, +which exhibited the special excellence of the whole, while, immediately +beside them, in the first stages of our walk, before we had reached the +sacred soil of one or the other, the purely material roads, at definite +points on which they were set down as the ideal view over a plain and the +ideal scenery of a river, were no more worth the trouble of looking at +them than, to a keen playgoer and lover of dramatic art, are the little +streets which may happen to run past the walls of a theatre. But, above +all, I set between them, far more distinctly than the mere distance in +miles and yards and inches which separated one from the other, the +distance that there was between the two parts of my brain in which I used +to think of them, one of those distances of the mind which time serves +only to lengthen, which separate things irremediably from one another, +keeping them for ever upon different planes. And this distinction was +rendered still more absolute because the habit we had of never going both +ways on the same day, or in the course of the same walk, but the +'Méséglise way' one time and the 'Guermantes way' another, shut them up, +so to speak, far apart and unaware of each other's existence, in the +sealed vessels--between which there could be no communication--of separate +afternoons. + +When we had decided to go the 'Méséglise way' we would start (without +undue haste, and even if the sky were clouded over, since the walk was not +very long, and did not take us too far from home), as though we were not +going anywhere in particular, by the front-door of my aunt's house, which +opened on to the Rue du Saint-Esprit. We would be greeted by the gunsmith, +we would drop our letters into the box, we would tell Théodore, from +Françoise, as we passed, that she had run out of oil or coffee, and we +would leave the town by the road which ran along the white fence of M. +Swann's park. Before reaching it we would be met on our way by the scent +of his lilac-trees, come out to welcome strangers. Out of the fresh little +green hearts of their foliage the lilacs raised inquisitively over the +fence of the park their plumes of white or purple blossom, which glowed, +even in the shade, with the sunlight in which they had been bathed. Some +of them, half-concealed by the little tiled house, called the Archers' +Lodge, in which Swann's keeper lived, overtopped its gothic gable with +their rosy minaret. The nymphs of spring would have seemed coarse and +vulgar in comparison with these young houris, who retained, in this French +garden, the pure and vivid colouring of a Persian miniature. Despite my +desire to throw my arms about their pliant forms and to draw down towards +me the starry locks that crowned their fragrant heads, we would pass them +by without stopping, for my parents had ceased to visit Tansonville since +Swann's marriage, and, so as not to appear to be looking into his park, we +would, instead of taking the road which ran beside its boundary and then +climbed straight up to the open fields, choose another way, which led in +the same direction, but circuitously, and brought us out rather too far +from home. + +One day my grandfather said to my 'father: "Don't you remember Swann's +telling us yesterday that his wife and daughter had gone off to Rheims and +that he was taking the opportunity of spending a day or two in Paris? We +might go along by the park, since the ladies are not at home; that will +make it a little shorter." + +We stopped for a moment by the fence. Lilac-time was nearly over; some of +the trees still thrust aloft, in tall purple chandeliers, their tiny balls +of blossom, but in many places among their foliage where, only a week +before, they had still been breaking in waves of fragrant foam, these were +now spent and shrivelled and discoloured, a hollow scum, dry and +scentless. My grandfather pointed out to my father in what respects the +appearance of the place was still the same, and how far it had altered +since the walk that he had taken with old M. Swann, on the day of his +wife's death; and he seized the opportunity to tell us, once again, the +story of that walk. + +In front of us a path bordered with nasturtiums rose in the full glare of +the sun towards the house. But to our right the park stretched away into +the distance, on level ground. Overshadowed by the tall trees which stood +close around it, an 'ornamental water' had been constructed by Swann's +parents but, even in his most artificial creations, nature is the material +upon which man has to work; certain spots will persist in remaining +surrounded by the vassals of their own especial sovereignty, and will +raise their immemorial standards among all the 'laid-out' scenery of a +park, just as they would have done far from any human interference, in a +solitude which must everywhere return to engulf them, springing up out of +the necessities of their exposed position, and superimposing itself upon +the work of man's hands. And so it was that, at the foot of the path which +led down to this artificial lake, there might be seen, in its two tiers +woven of trailing forget-me-nots below and of periwinkle flowers above, +the natural, delicate, blue garland which binds the luminous, shadowed +brows of water-nymphs; while the iris, its swords sweeping every way in +regal profusion, stretched out over agrimony and water-growing king-cups +the lilied sceptres, tattered glories of yellow and purple, of the kingdom +of the lake. + +The absence of Mlle. Swann, which--since it preserved me from the terrible +risk of seeing her appear on one of the paths, and of being identified and +scorned by this so privileged little girl who had Bergotte for a friend +and used to go with him to visit cathedrals--made the exploration of +Tansonville, now for the first time permitted me, a matter of +indifference to myself, seemed however to invest the property, in my +grandfather's and father's eyes, with a fresh and transient charm, and +(like an entirely cloudless sky when one is going mountaineering) to make +the day extraordinarily propitious for a walk in this direction; I should +have liked to see their reckoning proved false, to see, by a miracle, +Mlle. Swann appear, with her father, so close to us that we should not +have time to escape, and should therefore be obliged to make her +acquaintance. And so, when I suddenly noticed a straw basket lying +forgotten on the grass by the side of a line whose float was bobbing in +the water, I made a great effort to keep my father and grandfather looking +in another direction, away from this sign that she might, after all, be in +residence. Still, as Swann had told us that he ought not, really, to go +away just then, as he had some people staying in the house, the line might +equally belong to one of these guests. Not a footstep was to be heard on +any of the paths. Somewhere in one of the tall trees, making a stage in +its height, an invisible bird, desperately attempting to make the day seem +shorter, was exploring with a long, continuous note the solitude that +pressed it on every side, but it received at once so unanimous an answer, +so powerful a repercussion of silence and of immobility that, one would +have said, it had arrested for all eternity the moment which it had been +trying to make pass more quickly. The sunlight fell so implacably from a +fixed sky that one was naturally inclined to slip away out of the reach of +its attentions, and even the slumbering water, whose repose was +perpetually being invaded by the insects that swarmed above its surface, +while it dreamed, no doubt, of some imaginary maelstrom, intensified the +uneasiness which the sight of that floating cork had wrought in me, by +appearing to draw it at full speed across the silent reaches of a mirrored +firmament; now almost vertical, it seemed on the point of plunging down +out of sight, and I had begun to ask myself whether, setting aside the +longing and the terror that I had of making her acquaintance, it was not +actually my duty to warn Mlle. Swann that the fish was biting--when I was +obliged to run after my father and grandfather, who were calling me, and +were surprised that I had not followed them along the little path, +climbing up hill towards the open fields, into which they had already +turned. I found the whole path throbbing with the fragrance of +hawthorn-blossom. The hedge resembled a series of chapels, whose walls +were no longer visible under the mountains of flowers that were heaped +upon their altars; while underneath, the sun cast a square of light upon +the ground, as though it had shone in upon them through a window; the +scent that swept out over me from them was as rich, and as circumscribed +in its range, as though I had been standing before the Lady-altar, and the +flowers, themselves adorned also, held out each its little bunch of +glittering stamens with an air of inattention, fine, radiating 'nerves' in +the flamboyant style of architecture, like those which, in church, framed +the stair to the rood-loft or closed the perpendicular tracery of the +windows, but here spread out into pools of fleshy white, like +strawberry-beds in spring. How simple and rustic, in comparison with +these, would seem the dog-roses which, in a few weeks' time, would be +climbing the same hillside path in the heat of the sun, dressed in the +smooth silk of their blushing pink bodices, which would be undone and +scattered by the first breath of wind. + +But it was in vain that I lingered before the hawthorns, to breathe in, to +marshal! before my mind (which knew not what to make of it), to lose in +order to rediscover their invisible and unchanging odour, to absorb myself +in the rhythm which disposed their flowers here and there with the +light-heartedness of youth, and at intervals as unexpected as certain +intervals of music; they offered me an indefinite continuation of the same +charm, in an inexhaustible profusion, but without letting me delve into it +any more deeply, like those melodies which one can play over a hundred +times in succession without coming any nearer to their secret. I turned +away from them for a moment so as to be able to return to them with +renewed strength. My eyes followed up the slope which, outside the hedge, +rose steeply to the fields, a poppy that had strayed and been lost by its +fellows, or a few cornflowers that had fallen lazily behind, and decorated +the ground here and there with their flowers like the border of a +tapestry, in which may be seen at intervals hints of the rustic theme +which appears triumphant in the panel itself; infrequent still, spaced +apart as the scattered houses which warn us that we are approaching a +village, they betokened to me the vast expanse of waving corn beneath the +fleecy clouds, and the sight of a single poppy hoisting upon its slender +rigging and holding against the breeze its scarlet ensign, over the buoy +of rich black earth from which it sprang, made my heart beat as does a +wayfarer's when he perceives, upon some low-lying ground, an old and +broken boat which is being caulked and made seaworthy, and cries out, +although he has not yet caught sight of it, "The Sea!" + +And then I returned to my hawthorns, and stood before them as one stands +before those masterpieces of painting which, one imagines, one will be +better able to 'take in' when one has looked away, for a moment, at +something else; but in vain did I shape my fingers into a frame, so as to +have nothing but the hawthorns before my eyes; the sentiment which they +aroused in me remained obscure and vague, struggling and failing to free +itself, to float across and become one with the flowers. They themselves +offered me no enlightenment, and I could not call upon any other flowers +to satisfy this mysterious longing. And then, inspiring me with that +rapture which we feel on seeing a work by our favourite painter quite +different from any of those that we already know, or, better still, when +some one has taken us and set us down in front of a picture of which we +have hitherto seen no more than a pencilled sketch, or when a piece of +music which we have heard played over on the piano bursts out again in our +ears with all the splendour and fullness of an orchestra, my grandfather +called me to him, and, pointing to the hedge of Tansonville, said: "You +are fond of hawthorns; just look at this pink one; isn't it pretty?" + +And it was indeed a hawthorn, but one whose flowers were pink, and +lovelier even than the white. It, too, was in holiday attire, for one of +those days which are the only true holidays, the holy days of religion, +because they are not appointed by any capricious accident, as secular +holidays are appointed, upon days which are not specially ordained for +such observances, which have nothing about them that is essentially +festal--but it was attired even more richly than the rest, for the flowers +which clung to its branches, one above another, so thickly as to leave no +part of the tree undecorated, like the tassels wreathed about the crook of +a rococo shepherdess, were every one of them 'in colour,' and consequently +of a superior quality, by the aesthetic standards of Combray, to the +'plain,' if one was to judge by the scale of prices at the 'stores' in the +Square, or at Camus's, where the most expensive biscuits were those whose +sugar was pink. And for my own part I set a higher value on cream cheese +when it was pink, when I had been allowed to tinge it with crushed +strawberries. And these flowers had chosen precisely the colour of some +edible and delicious thing, or of some exquisite addition to one's costume +for a great festival, which colours, inasmuch as they make plain the +reason for their superiority, are those whose beauty is most evident to +the eyes of children, and for that reason must always seem more vivid and +more natural than any other tints, even after the child's mind has +realised that they offer no gratification to the appetite, and have not +been selected by the dressmaker. And, indeed, I had felt at once, as I had +felt before the white blossom, but now still more marvelling, that it was +in no artificial manner, by no device of human construction, that the +festal intention of these flowers was revealed, but that it was Nature +herself who had spontaneously expressed it (with the simplicity of a woman +from a village shop, labouring at the decoration of a street altar for +some procession) by burying the bush in these little rosettes, almost too +ravishing in colour, this rustic 'pompadour.' High up on the branches, +like so many of those tiny rose-trees, their pots concealed in jackets of +paper lace, whose slender stems rise in a forest from the altar on the +greater festivals, a thousand buds were swelling and opening, paler in +colour, but each disclosing as it burst, as at the bottom of a cup of pink +marble, its blood-red stain, and suggesting even more strongly than the +full-blown flowers the special, irresistible quality of the hawthorn-tree, +which, wherever it budded, wherever it was about to blossom, could bud and +blossom in pink flowers alone. Taking its place in the hedge, but as +different from the rest as a young girl in holiday attire among a crowd of +dowdy women in everyday clothes, who are staying at home, equipped and +ready for the 'Month of Mary,' of which it seemed already to form a part, +it shone and smiled in its cool, rosy garments, a Catholic bush indeed, +and altogether delightful. + +The hedge allowed us a glimpse, inside the park, of an alley bordered with +jasmine, pansies, and verbenas, among which the stocks held open their +fresh plump purses, of a pink as fragrant and as faded as old Spanish +leather, while on the gravel-path a long watering-pipe, painted green, +coiling across the ground, poured, where its holes were, over the flowers +whose perfume those holes inhaled, a vertical and prismatic fan of +infinitesimal, rainbow-coloured drops. Suddenly I stood still, unable to +move, as happens when something appears that requires not only our eyes to +take it in, but involves a deeper kind of perception and takes possession +of the whole of our being. A little girl, with fair, reddish hair, who +appeared to be returning from a walk, and held a trowel in her hand, was +looking at us, raising towards us a face powdered with pinkish freckles. +Her black eyes gleamed, and as I did not at that time know, and indeed +have never since learned how to reduce to its objective elements any +strong impression, since I had not, as they say, enough 'power of +observation' to isolate the sense of their colour, for a long time +afterwards, whenever I thought of her, the memory of those bright eyes +would at once present itself to me as a vivid azure, since her complexion +was fair; so much so that, perhaps, if her eyes had not been quite so +black--which was what struck one most forcibly on first meeting her--I +should not have been, as I was, especially enamoured of their imagined +blue. + +I gazed at her, at first with that gaze which is not merely a messenger +from the eyes, but in whose window all the senses assemble and lean out, +petrified and anxious, that gaze which would fain reach, touch, capture, +bear off in triumph the body at which it is aimed, and the soul with the +body; then (so frightened was I lest at any moment my grandfather and +father, catching sight of the girl, might tear me away from her, by making +me run on in front of them) with another, an unconsciously appealing look, +whose object was to force her to pay attention to me, to see, to know me. +She cast a glance forwards and sideways, so as to take stock of my +grandfather and father, and doubtless the impression she formed of them +was that we were all absurd people, for she turned away with an +indifferent and contemptuous air, withdrew herself so as to spare her face +the indignity of remaining within their field of vision; and while they, +continuing to walk on without noticing her, had overtaken and passed me, +she allowed her eyes to wander, over the space that lay between us, in my +direction, without any particular expression, without appearing to have +seen me, but with an intensity, a half-hidden smile which I was unable to +interpret, according to the instruction I had received in the ways of good +breeding, save as a mark of infinite disgust; and her hand, at the same +time, sketched in the air an indelicate gesture, for which, when it was +addressed in public to a person whom one did not know, the little +dictionary of manners which I carried in my mind supplied only one +meaning, namely, a deliberate insult. + +"Gilberte, come along; what are you doing?" called out in a piercing tone +of authority a lady in white, whom I had not seen until that moment, +while, a little way beyond her, a gentleman in a suit of linen 'ducks,' +whom I did not know either, stared at me with eyes which seemed to be +starting from his head; the little girl's smile abruptly faded, and, +seizing her trowel, she made off without turning to look again in my +direction, with an air of obedience, inscrutable and sly. + +And so was wafted to my ears the name of Gilberte, bestowed on me like a +talisman which might, perhaps, enable me some day to rediscover her whom +its syllables had just endowed with a definite personality, whereas, a +moment earlier, she had been only something vaguely seen. So it came to +me, uttered across the heads of the stocks and jasmines, pungent and cool +as the drops which fell from the green watering-pipe; impregnating and +irradiating the zone of pure air through which it had passed, which it set +apart and isolated from all other air, with the mystery of the life of her +whom its syllables designated to the happy creatures that lived and walked +and travelled in her company; unfolding through the arch of the pink +hawthorn, which opened at the height of my shoulder, the quintessence of +their familiarity--so exquisitely painful to myself--with her, and with +all that unknown world of her existence, into which I should never +penetrate. + +For a moment (while we moved away, and my grandfather murmured: "Poor +Swann, what a life they are leading him; fancy sending him away so that +she can be left alone with her Charlus--for that was Charlus: I recognised +him at once! And the child, too; at her age, to be mixed up in all that!") +the impression left on me by the despotic tone in which Gilberte's mother +had spoken to her, without her replying, by exhibiting her to me as being +obliged to yield obedience to some one else, as not being indeed superior +to the whole world, calmed my sufferings somewhat, revived some hope in +me, and cooled the ardour of my love. But very soon that love surged up +again in me like a reaction by which my humiliated heart was endeavouring +to rise to Gilberte's level, or to draw her down to its own. I loved her; +I was sorry not to have had the time and the inspiration to insult her, to +do her some injury, to force her to keep some memory of me. I knew her to +be so beautiful that I should have liked to be able to retrace my steps so +as to shake my fist at her and shout, "I think you are hideous, grotesque; +you are utterly disgusting!" However, I walked away, carrying with me, +then and for ever afterwards, as the first illustration of a type of +happiness rendered inaccessible to a little boy of my kind by certain laws +of nature which it was impossible to transgress, the picture of a little +girl with reddish hair, and a skin freckled with tiny pink marks, who held +a trowel in her hand, and smiled as she directed towards me a long and +subtle and inexpressive stare. And already the charm with which her name, +like a cloud of incense, had filled that archway in the pink hawthorn +through which she and I had, together, heard its sound, was beginning to +conquer, to cover, to embalm, to beautify everything with which it had any +association: her grandparents, whom my own had been so unspeakably +fortunate as to know, the glorious profession of a stockholder, even the +melancholy neighbourhood of the Champs-Elysées, where she lived in Paris. + +"Léonie," said my grandfather on our return, "I wish we had had you with +us this afternoon. You would never have known Tansonville. If I had had +the courage I would have cut you a branch of that pink hawthorn you used +to like so much." And so my grandfather told her the story of our walk, +either just to amuse her, or perhaps because there was still some hope +that she might be stimulated to rise from her bed and to go out of doors. +For in earlier days she had been very fond of Tansonville, and, moreover, +Swann's visits had been the last that she had continued to receive, at a +time when she had already closed her doors to all the world. And just as, +when he called, in these later days, to inquire for her (and she was still +the only person in our household whom he would ask to see), she would send +down to say that she was tired at the moment and resting, but that she +would be happy to see him another time, so, this evening, she said to my +grandfather, "Yes, some day when the weather is fine I shall go for a +drive as far as the gate of the park." And in saying this she was quite +sincere. She would have liked to see Swann and Tansonville again; but the +mere wish to do so sufficed for all that remained of her strength, which +its fulfilment would have more than exhausted. Sometimes a spell of fine +weather made her a little more energetic, she would rise and put on her +clothes; but before she had reached the outer room she would be 'tired' +again, and would insist on returning to her bed. The process which had +begun in her--and in her a little earlier only than it must come to all of +us--was the great and general renunciation which old age makes in +preparation for death, the chrysalis stage of life, which may be observed +wherever life has been unduly prolonged; even in old lovers who have lived +for one another with the utmost intensity of passion, and in old friends +bound by the closest ties of mental sympathy, who, after a certain year, +cease to make, the necessary journey, or even to cross the street to see +one another, cease to correspond, and know well that they will communicate +no more in this world. My aunt must have been perfectly well aware that +she would not see Swann again, that she would never leave her own house +any more, but this ultimate seclusion seemed to be accepted by her with +all the more readiness for the very reason which, to our minds, ought to +have made it more unbearable; namely, that such a seclusion was forced +upon her by the gradual and steady diminution in her strength which she +was able to measure daily, which, by making every action, every movement +'tiring' to her if not actually painful, gave to inaction, isolation and +silence the blessed, strengthening and refreshing charm of repose. + +My aunt did not go to see the pink hawthorn in the hedge, but at all hours +of the day I would ask the rest of my family whether she was not going to +go, whether she used not, at one time, to go often to Tansonville, trying +to make them speak of Mile. Swann's parents and grandparents, who appeared +to me to be as great and glorious as gods. The name, which had for me +become almost mythological, of Swann--when I talked with my family I would +grow sick with longing to hear them utter it; I dared not pronounce it +myself, but I would draw them into a discussion of matters which led +naturally to Gilberte and her family, in which she was involved, in +speaking of which I would feel myself not too remotely banished from her +company; and I would suddenly force my father (by pretending, for +instance, to believe that my grandfather's business had been in our family +before his day, or that the hedge with the pink hawthorn which my aunt +Léonie wished to visit was on common ground) to correct my statements, to +say, as though in opposition to me and of his own accord: "No, no, the +business belonged to _Swann's_ father, that hedge is part of _Swann's_ +park." And then I would be obliged to pause for breath; so stifling was +the pressure, upon that part of me where it was for ever inscribed, of +that name which, at the moment when I heard it, seemed to me fuller, more +portentous than any other name, because it was burdened with the weight of +all the occasions on which I had secretly uttered it in my mind. It caused +me a pleasure which I was ashamed to have dared to demand from my parents, +for so great was it that to have procured it for me must have involved +them in an immensity of effort, and with no recompense, since for them +there was no pleasure in the sound. And so I would prudently turn the +conversation. And by a scruple of conscience, also. All the singular +seductions which I had stored up in the sound of that word Swann, I found +again as soon as it was uttered. And then it occurred to me suddenly that +my parents could not fail to experience the same emotions, that they must +find themselves sharing my point of view, that they perceived in their +turn, that they condoned, that they even embraced my visionary longings, +and I was as wretched as though I had ravished and corrupted the innocence +of their hearts. + +That year my family fixed the day of their return to Paris rather earlier +than usual. On the morning of our departure I had had my hair curled, to +be ready to face the photographer, had had a new hat carefully set upon my +head, and had been buttoned into a velvet jacket; a little later my +mother, after searching everywhere for me, found me standing in tears on +that steep little hillside close to Tansonville, bidding a long farewell +to my hawthorns, clasping their sharp branches to my bosom, and (like a +princess in a tragedy, oppressed by the weight of all her senseless +jewellery) with no gratitude towards the officious hand which had, in +curling those ringlets, been at pains to collect all my hair upon my +forehead; trampling underfoot the curl-papers which I had torn from my +head, and my new hat with them. My mother was not at all moved by my +tears, but she could not suppress a cry at the sight of my battered +headgear and my ruined jacket. I did not, however, hear her. "Oh, my poor +little hawthorns," I was assuring them through my sobs, "it is not you +that want to make me unhappy, to force me to leave you. You, you have +never done me any harm. So I shall always love you." And, drying my eyes, +I promised them that, when I grew up, I would never copy the foolish +example of other men, but that even in Paris, on fine spring days, instead +of paying calls and listening to silly talk, I would make excursions into +the country to see the first hawthorn-trees in bloom. + +Once in the fields we never left them again during the rest of our +Méséglise walk. They were perpetually crossed, as though by invisible +streams of traffic, by the wind, which was to me the tutelary genius of +Combray. Every year, on the day of our arrival, in order to feel that I +really was at Combray, I would climb the hill to find it running again +through my clothing, and setting me running in its wake. One always had +the wind for companion when one went the 'Méséglise way,' on that swelling +plain which stretched, mile beyond mile, without any disturbance of its +gentle contour. I knew that Mlle. Swann used often to go and spend a few +days at Laon, and, for all that it was many miles away, the distance was +obviated by the absence of any intervening obstacle; when, on hot +afternoons, I would see a breath of wind emerge from the farthest horizon, +bowing the heads of the corn in distant fields, pouring like a flood over +all that vast expanse, and finally settling down, warm and rustling, among +the clover and sainfoin at my feet, that plain which was common to us both +seemed then to draw us together, to unite us; I would imagine that the +same breath had passed by her also, that there was some message from her +in what it was whispering to me, without my being able to understand it, +and I would catch and kiss it as it passed. On my left was a village +called Champieu (_Campus Pagani_, according to the Curé). On my right I +could see across the cornfields the two crocketed, rustic spires of +Saint-André-des-Champs, themselves as tapering, scaly, plated, +honeycombed, yellowed, and roughened as two ears of wheat. + +At regular intervals, among the inimitable ornamentation of their leaves, +which can be mistaken for those of no other fruit-tree, the apple-trees +were exposing their broad petals of white satin, or hanging in shy bunches +their unopened, blushing buds. It was while going the 'Méséglise way' that +I first noticed the circular shadow which apple-trees cast upon the sunlit +ground, and also those impalpable threads of golden silk which the setting +sun weaves slantingly downwards from beneath their leaves, and which I +would see my father slash through with his stick without ever making them +swerve from their straight path. + +Sometimes in the afternoon sky a white moon would creep up like a little +cloud, furtive, without display, suggesting an actress who does not have +to 'come on' for a while, and so goes 'in front' in her ordinary clothes +to watch the rest of the company for a moment, but keeps in the +background, not wishing to attract attention to herself. I was glad to +find her image reproduced in books and paintings, though these works of +art were very different--at least in my earlier years, before Bloch had +attuned my eyes and mind to more subtle harmonies--from those in which the +moon seems fair to me to-day, but in which I should not have recognised +her then. It might be, for instance, some novel by Saintine, some +landscape by Gleyre, in which she is cut out sharply against the sky, in +the form of a silver sickle, some work as unsophisticated and as +incomplete as were, at that date, my own impressions, and which it enraged +my grandmother's sisters to see me admire. They held that one ought to set +before children, and that children shewed their own innate good taste in +admiring, only such books and pictures as they would continue to admire +when their minds were developed and mature. No doubt they regarded +aesthetic values as material objects which an unclouded vision could not +fail to discern, without needing to have their equivalent in experience of +life stored up and slowly ripening in one's heart. + +It was along the 'Méséglise way,' at Montjouvain, a house built on the +edge of a large pond, and overlooked by a steep, shrub-grown hill, that M. +Vinteuil lived. And so we used often to meet his daughter driving her +dogcart at full speed along the road. After a certain year we never saw +her alone, but always accompanied by a friend, a girl older than herself, +with an evil reputation in the neighbourhood, who in the end installed +herself permanently, one day, at Montjouvain. People said: "That poor M. +Vinteuil must be blinded by love not to see what everyone is talking +about, and to let his daughter--a man who is horrified if you use a word +in the wrong sense--bring a woman like that to live under his roof. He +says that she is a most superior woman, with a heart of gold, and that she +would have shewn extraordinary musical talent if she had only been +trained. He may be sure it is not music that she is teaching his +daughter." But M. Vinteuil assured them that it was, and indeed it is +remarkable that people never fail to arouse admiration of their normal +qualities in the relatives of anyone with whom they are in physical +intercourse. Bodily passion, which has been so unjustly decried, compels +its victims to display every vestige that is in them of unselfishness and +generosity, and so effectively that they shine resplendent in the eyes of +all beholders. Dr. Percepied, whose loud voice and bushy eyebrows enabled +him to play to his heart's content the part of 'double-dealer,' a part to +which he was not, otherwise, adapted, without in the least degree +compromising his unassailable and quite unmerited reputation of being a +kind-hearted old curmudgeon, could make the Curé and everyone else laugh +until they cried by saying in a harsh voice: "What d'ye say to this, now? +It seems that she plays music with her friend, Mile. Vinteuil. That +surprises you, does it? Oh, I know nothing, nothing at all. It was Papa +Vinteuil who told me all about it yesterday. After all, she has every +right to be fond of music, that girl. I should never dream of thwarting +the artistic vocation of a child; nor Vinteuil either, it seems. And then +he plays music too, with his daughter's friend. Why, gracious heavens, it +must be a regular musical box, that house out there! What are you laughing +at? I say they've been playing too much music, those people. I met Papa +Vinteuil the other day, by the cemetery. It was all he could do to keep on +his feet." + +Anyone who, like ourselves, had seen M. Vinteuil, about this time, +avoiding people whom he knew, and turning away as soon as he caught sight +of them, changed in a few months into an old man, engulfed in a sea of +sorrows, incapable of any effort not directly aimed at promoting his +daughter's happiness, spending whole days beside his wife's grave, could +hardly have failed to realise that he was gradually dying of a broken +heart, could hardly have supposed that he paid no attention to the rumours +which were going about. He knew, perhaps he even believed, what his +neighbours were saying. There is probably no one, however rigid his +virtue, who is not liable to find himself, by the complexity of +circumstances, living at close quarters with the very vice which he +himself has been most outspoken in condemning, without at first +recognising it beneath the disguise which it assumes on entering his +presence, so as to wound him and to make him suffer; the odd words, the +unaccountable attitude, one evening, of a person whom he has a thousand +reasons for loving. But for a man of M. Vinteuil's sensibility it must +have been far more painful than for a hardened man of the world to have to +resign himself to one of those situations which are wrongly supposed to +occur in Bohemian circles only; for they are produced whenever there needs +to establish itself in the security necessary to its development a vice +which Nature herself has planted in the soul of a child, perhaps by no +more than blending the virtues of its father and mother, as she might +blend the colours of their eyes. And yet however much M. Vinteuil may have +known of his daughter's conduct it did not follow that his adoration of +her grew any less. The facts of life do not penetrate to the sphere in +which our beliefs are cherished; as it was not they that engendered those +beliefs, so they are powerless to destroy them; they can aim at them +continual blows of contradiction and disproof without weakening them; and +an avalanche of miseries and maladies coming, one after another, without +interruption into the bosom of a family, will not make it lose faith in +either the clemency of its God or the capacity of its physician. But when +M. Vinteuil regarded his daughter and himself from the point of view of +the world, and of their reputation, when he attempted to place himself by +her side in the rank which they occupied in the general estimation of +their neighbours, then he was bound to give judgment, to utter his own and +her social condemnation in precisely the terms which the inhabitant of +Combray most hostile to him and his daughter would have employed; he saw +himself and her in 'low,' in the very 'lowest water,' inextricably +stranded; and his manners had of late been tinged with that humility, that +respect for persons who ranked above him and to whom he must now look up +(however far beneath him they might hitherto have been), that tendency to +search for some means of rising again to their level, which is an almost +mechanical result of any human misfortune. + +One day, when we were walking with Swann in one of the streets of Combray, +M. Vinteuil, turning out of another street, found himself so suddenly face +to face with us all that he had not time to escape; and Swann, with that +almost arrogant charity of a man of the world who, amid the dissolution of +all his own moral prejudices, finds in another's shame merely a reason for +treating him with a friendly benevolence, the outward signs of which serve +to enhance and gratify the self-esteem of the bestower because he feels +that they are all the more precious to him upon whom they are bestowed, +conversed at great length with M. Vinteuil, with whom for a long time he +had been barely on speaking terms, and invited him, before leaving us, to +send his daughter over, one day, to play at Tansonville. It was an +invitation which, two years earlier, would have enraged M. Vinteuil, but +which now filled him with so much gratitude that he felt himself obliged +to refrain from the indiscretion of accepting. Swann's friendly regard for +his daughter seemed to him to be in itself so honourable, so precious a +support for his cause that he felt it would perhaps be better to make no +use of it, so as to have the wholly Platonic satisfaction of keeping it in +reserve. + +"What a charming man!" he said to us, after Swann had gone, with the same +enthusiasm and veneration which make clever and pretty women of the middle +classes fall victims to the physical and intellectual charms of a duchess, +even though she be ugly and a fool. "What a charming man! What a pity +that he should have made such a deplorable marriage!" + +And then, so strong an element of hypocrisy is there in even the most +sincere of men, who cast off, while they are talking to anyone, the +opinion they actually hold of him and will express when he is no longer +there, my family joined with M. Vinteuil in deploring Swann's marriage, +invoking principles and conventions which (all the more because they +invoked them in common with him, as though we were all thorough good +fellows of the same sort) they appeared to suggest were in no way +infringed at Montjouvain. M. Vinteuil did not send his daughter to visit +Swann, an omission which Swann was the first to regret. For constantly, +after meeting M. Vinteuil, he would remember that he had been meaning for +a long time to ask him about some one of the same name as himself, one of +his relatives, Swann supposed. And on this occasion he determined that he +would not forget what he had to say to him when M. Vinteuil should appear +with his daughter at Tansonville. + +Since the 'Méséglise way' was the shorter of the two that we used to take +for our walks round Combray, and for that reason was reserved for days of +uncertain weather, it followed that the climate of Méséglise shewed an +unduly high rainfall, and we would never lose sight of the fringe of +Roussainville wood, so that we could, at any moment, run for shelter +beneath its dense thatch of leaves. + +Often the sun would disappear behind a cloud, which impinged on its +roundness, but whose edge the sun gilded in return. The brightness, though +not the light of day, would then be shut off from a landscape in which all +life appeared to be suspended, while the little village of Roussainville +carved in relief upon the sky the white mass of its gables, with a +startling precision of detail. A gust of wind blew from its perch a rook, +which floated away and settled in the distance, while beneath a paling sky +the woods on the horizon assumed a deeper tone of blue, as though they +were painted in one of those cameos which you still find decorating the +walls of old houses. + +But on other days would begin to fall the rain, of which we had had due +warning from the little barometer-figure which the spectacle-maker hung +out in his doorway. Its drops, like migrating birds which fly off in a +body at a given moment, would come down out of the sky in close marching +order. They would never drift apart, would make no movement at random in +their rapid course, but each one, keeping in its place, would draw after +it the drop which was following, and the sky would be as greatly darkened +as by the swallows flying south. We would take refuge among the trees. And +when it seemed that their flight was accomplished, a few last drops, +feebler and slower than the rest, would still come down. But we would +emerge from our shelter, for the rain was playing a game, now, among the +branches, and, even when it was almost dry again underfoot, a stray drop +or two, lingering in the hollow of a leaf, would run down and hang +glistening from the point of it until suddenly it splashed plump upon our +upturned faces from the whole height of the tree. + +Often, too, we would hurry for shelter, tumbling in among all its stony +saints and patriarchs, into the porch of Saint-André-des-Champs, How +typically French that church was! Over its door the saints, the kings of +chivalry with lilies in their hands, the wedding scenes and funerals were +carved as they might have been in the mind of Françoise. The sculptor had +also recorded certain anecdotes of Aristotle and Virgil, precisely as +Françoise in her kitchen would break into speech about Saint Louis as +though she herself had known him, generally in order to depreciate, by +contrast with him, my grandparents, whom she considered less 'righteous.' +One could see that the ideas which the mediaeval artist and the mediaeval +peasant (who had survived to cook for us in the nineteenth century) had of +classical and of early Christian history, ideas whose inaccuracy was +atoned for by their honest simplicity, were derived not from books, but +from a tradition at once ancient and direct, unbroken, oral, degraded, +unrecognisable, and alive. Another Combray person whom I could discern +also, potential and typified, in the gothic sculptures of +Saint-André-des-Champs was young Théodore, the assistant in Camus's shop. +And, indeed, Françoise herself was well aware that she had in him a +countryman and contemporary, for when my aunt was too ill for Françoise to +be able, unaided, to lift her in her bed or to carry her to her chair, +rather than let the kitchen-maid come upstairs and, perhaps, 'make an +impression' on my aunt, she would send out for Théodore. And this lad, who +was regarded, and quite rightly, in the town as a 'bad character,' was so +abounding in that spirit which had served to decorate the porch of +Saint-André-des-Champs, and particularly in the feelings of respect due, +in Franchise's eyes, to all 'poor invalids,' and, above all, to her own +'poor mistress,' that he had, when he bent down to raise my aunt's head +from her pillow, the same air of préraphaélite simplicity and zeal which +the little angels in the has-reliefs wear, who throng, with tapers in +their hands, about the deathbed of Our Lady, as though those carved faces +of stone, naked and grey like trees in winter, were, like them, asleep +only, storing up life and waiting to flower again in countless plebeian +faces, reverend and cunning as the face of Théodore, and glowing with the +ruddy brilliance of ripe apples. + +There, too, not fastened to the wall like the little angels, but detached +from the porch, of more than human stature, erect upon her pedestal as +upon a footstool, which had been placed there to save her feet from +contact with the wet ground, stood a saint with the full cheeks, the firm +breasts which swelled out inside her draperies like a cluster of ripe +grapes inside a bag, the narrow forehead, short and stubborn nose, +deep-set eyes, and strong, thick-skinned, courageous expression of the +country-women of those parts. This similarity, which imparted to the +statue itself a kindliness that I had not looked to find in it, was +corroborated often by the arrival of some girl from the fields, come, like +ourselves, for shelter beneath the porch, whose presence there--as when +the leaves of a climbing plant have grown up beside leaves carved in +stone--seemed intended by fate to allow us, by confronting it with its +type in nature, to form a critical estimate of the truth of the work of +art. Before our eyes, in the distance, a promised or an accursed land, +Roussainville, within whose walls I had never penetrated, Roussainville +was now, when the rain had ceased for us, still being chastised, like a +village in the Old Testament, by all the innumerable spears and arrows of +the storm, which beat down obliquely upon the dwellings of its +inhabitants, or else had already received the forgiveness of the Almighty, +Who had restored to it the light of His sun, which fell upon it in rays of +uneven length, like the rays of a monstrance upon an altar. + +Sometimes, when the weather had completely broken, we were obliged to go +home and to remain shut up indoors. Here and there, in the distance, in a +landscape which, what with the failing light and saturated atmosphere, +resembled a seascape rather, a few solitary houses clinging to the lower +slopes of a hill whose heights were buried in a cloudy darkness shone out +like little boats which had folded their sails and would ride at anchor, +all night, upon the sea. But what mattered rain or storm? In summer, bad +weather is no more than a passing fit of superficial ill-temper expressed +by the permanent, underlying fine weather; a very different thing from the +fluid and unstable 'fine weather' of winter, its very opposite, in fact; +for has it not (firmly established in the soil, on which it has taken +solid form in dense masses of foliage over which the rain may pour in +torrents without weakening the resistance offered by their real and +lasting happiness) hoisted, to keep them flying throughout the season, in +the village streets, on the walls of the houses and in their gardens, its +silken banners, violet and white. Sitting in the little parlour, where I +would pass the time until dinner with a book, I might hear the water +dripping from our chestnut-trees, but I would know that the shower would +only glaze and brighten the greenness of their thick, crumpled leaves, and +that they themselves had undertaken to remain there, like pledges of +summer, all through the rainy night, to assure me of the fine weather's +continuing; it might rain as it pleased, but to-morrow, over the white +fence of Tansonville, there would surge and flow, numerous as ever, a sea +of little heart-shaped leaves; and without the least anxiety I could watch +the poplar in the Rue des Perchamps praying for mercy, bowing in +desperation before the storm; without the least anxiety I could hear, at +the far end of the garden, the last peals of thunder growling among our +lilac-trees. + +If the weather was bad all morning, my family would abandon the idea of a +walk, and I would remain at home. But, later on, I formed the habit of +going out by myself on such days, and walking towards +Méséglise-la-Vineuse, during that autumn when we had to come to Combray to +settle the division of my aunt Léonie's estate; for she had died at last, +leaving both parties among her neighbours triumphant in the fact of her +demise--those who had insisted that her mode of life was enfeebling and +must ultimately kill her, and, equally, those who had always maintained +that she suffered from some disease not imaginary, but organic, by the +visible proof of which the most sceptical would be obliged to own +themselves convinced, once she had succumbed to it; causing no intense +grief to any save one of her survivors, but to that one a grief savage in +its violence. During the long fortnight of my aunt's last illness +Françoise never went out of her room for an instant, never took off her +clothes, allowed no one else to do anything for my aunt, and did not leave +her body until it was actually in its grave. Then, at last, we understood +that the sort of terror in which Françoise had lived of my aunt's harsh +words, her suspicions and her anger, had developed in her a sentiment +which we had mistaken for hatred, and which was really veneration and +love. Her true mistress, whose decisions it had been impossible to +foresee, from whose stratagems it had been so hard to escape, of whose +good nature it had been so easy to take advantage, her sovereign, her +mysterious and omnipotent monarch was no more. Compared with such a +mistress we counted for very little. The time had long passed when, on our +first coming to spend our holidays at Combray, we had been of equal +importance, in Franchise's eyes, with my aunt. + +During that autumn my parents, finding the days so fully occupied with the +legal formalities that had to be gone through, and discussions with +solicitors and farmers, that they had little time for walks which, as it +happened, the weather made precarious, began to let me go, without them, +along the 'Méséglise way,' wrapped up in a huge Highland plaid which +protected me from the rain, and which I was all the more ready to throw +over my shoulders because I felt that the stripes of its gaudy tartan +scandalised Françoise, whom it was impossible to convince that the colour +of one's clothes had nothing whatever to do with one's mourning for the +dead, and to whom the grief which we had shewn on my aunt's death was +wholly unsatisfactory, since we had not entertained the neighbours to a +great funeral banquet, and did not adopt a special tone when we spoke of +her, while I at times might be heard humming a tune. I am sure that in a +book--and to that extent my feelings were closely akin to those of +Françoise--such a conception of mourning, in the manner of the _Chanson de +Roland_ and of the porch of Saint-André-des-Champs, would have seemed most +attractive. But the moment that Françoise herself approached, some evil +spirit would urge me to attempt to make her angry, and I would avail +myself of the slightest pretext to say to her that I regretted my aunt's +death because she had been a good woman in spite of her absurdities, but +not in the least because she was my aunt; that she might easily have been +my aunt and yet have been so odious that her death would not have caused +me a moment's sorrow; statements which, in a book, would have struck me as +merely fatuous. + +And if Françoise then, inspired like a poet with a flood of confused +reflections upon bereavement, grief, and family memories, were to plead +her inability to rebut my theories, saying: "I don't know how to _espress_ +myself"--I would triumph over her with an ironical and brutal common sense +worthy of Dr. Percepied; and if she went on: "All the same she was a +_geological_ relation; there is always the respect due to your _geology_," +I would shrug my shoulders and say: "It is really very good of me to +discuss the matter with an illiterate old woman who cannot speak her own +language," adopting, to deliver judgment on Françoise, the mean and narrow +outlook of the pedant, whom those who are most contemptuous of him in the +impartiality of their own minds are only too prone to copy when they are +obliged to play a part upon the vulgar stage of life. + +My walks, that autumn, were all the more delightful because I used to take +them after long hours spent over a book. When I was tired of reading, +after a whole morning in the house, I would throw my plaid across my +shoulders and set out; my body, which in a long spell of enforced +immobility had stored up an accumulation of vital energy, was now obliged, +like a spinning-top wound and let go, to spend this in every direction. +The walls of houses, the Tansonville hedge, the trees of Roussainville +wood, the bushes against which Montjouvain leaned its back, all must bear +the blows of my walking-stick or umbrella, must hear my shouts of +happiness, blows and shouts being indeed no more than expressions of the +confused ideas which exhilarated me, and which, not being developed to the +point at which they might rest exposed to the light of day, rather than +submit to a slow and difficult course of elucidation, found it easier and +more pleasant to drift into an immediate outlet. And so it is that the +bulk of what appear to be the emotional renderings of our inmost +sensations do no more than relieve us of the burden of those sensations by +allowing them to escape from us in an indistinct form which does not teach +us how it should be interpreted. When I attempt to reckon up all that I +owe to the 'Méséglise way,' all the humble discoveries of which it was +either the accidental setting or the direct inspiration and cause, I am +reminded that it was in that same autumn, on one of those walks, near the +bushy precipice which guarded Montjouvain from the rear, that I was struck +for the first time by this lack of harmony between our impressions and +their normal forms of expression. After an hour of rain and wind, against +which I had put up a brisk fight, as I came to the edge of the Montjouvain +pond, and reached a little hut, roofed with tiles, in which M. Vinteuil's +gardener kept his tools, the sun shone out again, and its golden rays, +washed clean by the shower, blazed once more in the sky, on the trees, on +the wall of the hut, and on the still wet tiles of the roof, which had a +chicken perching upon its ridge. The wind pulled out sideways the wild +grass that grew in the wall, and the chicken's downy feathers, both of +which things let themselves float upon the wind's breath to their full +extent, with the unresisting submissiveness of light and lifeless matter. +The tiled roof cast upon the pond, whose reflections were now clear again +in the sunlight, a square of pink marble, the like of which I had never +observed before. And, seeing upon the water, where it reflected the wall, +a pallid smile responding to the smiling sky, I cried aloud in my +enthusiasm, brandishing my furled umbrella: "Damn, damn, damn, damn!" But +at the same time I felt that I was in duty bound not to content myself +with these unilluminating words, but to endeavour to see more clearly into +the sources of my enjoyment. + +And it was at that moment, too--thanks to a peasant who went past, +apparently in a bad enough humour already, but more so when he nearly +received my umbrella in his face, and who replied without any cordiality +to my "Fine day, what! good to be out walking!"--that I learned that +identical emotions do not spring up in the hearts of all men +simultaneously, by a pre-established order. Later on I discovered that, +whenever I had read for too long and was in a mood for conversation, the +friend to whom I would be burning to say something would at that moment +have finished indulging himself in the delights of conversation, and +wanted nothing now but to be left to read undisturbed. And if I had been +thinking with affection of my parents, and forming the most sensible and +proper plans for giving them pleasure, they would have been using the same +interval of time to discover some misdeed that I had already forgotten, +and would begin to scold me severely, just as I flung myself upon them +with a kiss. + +Sometimes to the exhilaration which I derived from being alone would be +added an alternative feeling, so that I could not be clear in my mind to +which I should give the casting vote; a feeling stimulated by the desire +to see rise up before my eyes a peasant-girl whom I might clasp in my +arms. Coming abruptly, and without giving me time to trace it accurately +to its source among so many ideas of a very different kind, the pleasure +which accompanied this desire seemed only a degree superior to what was +given me by my other thoughts. I found an additional merit in everything +that was in my mind at the moment, in the pink reflection of the tiled +roof, the wild grass in the wall, the village of Roussainville into which +I had long desired to penetrate, the trees of its wood and the steeple of +its church, created in them by this fresh emotion which made them appear +more desirable only because I thought it was they that had provoked it, +and which seemed only to wish to bear me more swiftly towards them when it +filled my sails with a potent, unknown, and propitious breeze. But if this +desire that a woman should appear added for me something more exalting +than the charms of nature, they in their turn enlarged what I might, in +the woman's charm, have found too much restricted. It seemed to me that +the beauty of the trees was hers also, and that, as for the spirit of +those horizons, of the village of Roussainville, of the books which I was +reading that year, it was her kiss which would make me master of them all; +and, my imagination drawing strength from contact with my sensuality, my +sensuality expanding through all the realms of my imagination, my desire +had no longer any bounds. Moreover--just as in moments of musing +contemplation of nature, the normal actions of the mind being suspended, +and our abstract ideas of things set on one side, we believe with the +profoundest faith in the originality, in the individual existence of the +place in which we may happen to be--the passing figure which my desire +evoked seemed to be not any one example of the general type of 'woman,' +but a necessary and natural product of the soil. For at that time +everything which was not myself, the earth and the creatures upon it, +seemed to me more precious, more important, endowed with a more real +existence than they appear to full-grown men. And between the earth and +its creatures I made no distinction. I had a desire for a peasant-girl +from Méséglise or Roussainville, for a fisher-girl from Balbec, just as I +had a desire for Balbec and Méséglise. The pleasure which those girls were +empowered to give me would have seemed less genuine, I should have had no +faith in it any longer, if I had been at liberty to modify its conditions +as I chose. To meet in Paris a fisher-girl from Balbec or a peasant-girl +from Méséglise would have been like receiving the present of a shell which +I had never seen upon the beach, or of a fern which I had never found +among the woods, would have stripped from the pleasure which she was about +to give me all those other pleasures in the thick of which my imagination +had enwrapped her. But to wander thus among the woods of Roussainville +without a peasant-girl to embrace was to see those woods and yet know +nothing of their secret treasure, their deep-hidden beauty. That girl +whom I never saw save dappled with the shadows of their leaves, was to me +herself a plant of local growth, only taller than the rest, and one whose +structure would enable me to approach more closely than in them to the +intimate savour of the land from which she had sprung. I could believe +this all the more readily (and also that the caresses by which she would +bring that savour to my senses were themselves of a particular kind, +yielding a pleasure which I could never derive from any but herself) since +I was still, and must for long remain, in that period of life when one has +not yet separated the fact of this sensual pleasure from the various women +in whose company one has tasted it, when one has not reduced it to a +general idea which makes one regard them thenceforward as the variable +instruments of a pleasure that is always the same. Indeed, that pleasure +does not exist, isolated and formulated in the consciousness, as the +ultimate object with which one seeks a woman's company, or as the cause of +the uneasiness which, in anticipation, one then feels. Hardly even does +one think of oneself, but only how to escape from oneself. Obscurely +awaited, immanent and concealed, it rouses to such a paroxysm, at the +moment when at last it makes itself felt, those other pleasures which we +find in the tender glance, in the kiss of her who is by our side, that it +seems to us, more than anything else, a sort of transport of gratitude for +the kindness of heart of our companion and for her touching predilection +of ourselves, which we measure by the benefits, by the happiness that she +showers upon us. + +Alas, it was in vain that I implored the dungeon-keep of Roussainville, +that I begged it to send out to meet me some daughter of its village, +appealing to it as to the sole confidant to whom I had disclosed my +earliest desire when, from the top floor of our house at Combray, from the +little room that smelt of orris-root, I had peered out and seen nothing +but its tower, framed in the square of the half-opened window, while, with +the heroic scruples of a traveller setting forth for unknown climes, or of +a desperate wretch hesitating on the verge of self-destruction, faint with +emotion, I explored, across the bounds of my own experience, an untrodden +path which, I believed, might lead me to my death, even--until passion +spent itself and left me shuddering among the sprays of flowering currant +which, creeping in through the window, tumbled all about my body. In vain +I called upon it now. In vain I compressed the whole landscape into my +field of vision, draining it with an exhaustive gaze which sought to +extract from it a female creature. I might go alone as far as the porch of +Saint-André-des-Champs: never did I find there the girl whom I should +inevitably have met, had I been with my grandfather, and so unable to +engage her in conversation. I would fix my eyes, without limit of time, +upon the trunk of a distant tree, from behind which she must appear and +spring towards me; my closest scrutiny left the horizon barren as before; +night was falling; without any hope now would I concentrate my attention, +as though to force up out of it the creatures which it must conceal, upon +that sterile soil, that stale and outworn land; and it was no longer in +lightness of heart, but with sullen anger that I aimed blows at the trees +of Roussainville wood, from among which no more living creatures made +their appearance than if they had been trees painted on the stretched +canvas background of a panorama, when, unable to resign myself to having +to return home without having held in my arms the woman I so greatly +desired, I was yet obliged to retrace my steps towards Combray, and to +admit to myself that the chance of her appearing in my path grew smaller +every moment. And if she had appeared, would I have dared to speak to her? +I felt that she would have regarded me as mad, for I no longer thought of +those desires which came to me on my walks, but were never realized, as +being shared by others, or as having any existence apart from myself. They +seemed nothing more now than the purely subjective, impotent, illusory +creatures of my temperament. They were in no way connected now with +nature, with the world of real things, which from now onwards lost all its +charm and significance, and meant no more to my life than a purely +conventional framework, just as the action of a novel is framed in the +railway carriage, on a seat of which a traveller is reading it to pass the +time. + +And it is perhaps from another impression which I received at +Mont-jouvain, some years later, an impression which at that time was +without meaning, that there arose, long afterwards, my idea of that cruel +side of human passion called 'sadism.' We shall see, in due course, that +for quite another reason the memory of this impression was to play an +important part in my life. It was during a spell of very hot weather; my +parents, who had been obliged to go away for the whole day, had told me +that I might stay out as late as I pleased; and having gone as far as the +Montjouvain pond, where I enjoyed seeing again the reflection of the tiled +roof of the hut, I had lain down in the shade and gone to sleep among the +bushes on the steep slope that rose up behind the house, just where I had +waited for my parents, years before, one day when they had gone to call on +M. Vinteuil. It was almost dark when I awoke, and I wished to rise and go +away, but I saw Mile. Vinteuil (or thought, at least, that I recognised +her, for I had not seen her often at Combray, and then only when she was +still a child, whereas she was now growing into a young woman), who +probably had just come in, standing in front of me, and only a few feet +away from me, in that room in which her father had entertained mine, and +which she had now made into a little sitting-room for herself. The window +was partly open; the lamp was lighted; I could watch her every movement +without her being able to see me; but, had I gone away, I must have made a +rustling sound among the bushes, she would have heard me, and might have +thought that I had been hiding there in order to spy upon her. + +She was in deep mourning, for her father had but lately died. We had not +gone to see her; my mother had not cared to go, on account of that virtue +which alone in her fixed any bounds to her benevolence--namely, modesty; +but she pitied the girl from the depths of her heart. My mother had not +forgotten the sad end of M. Vinteuil's life, his complete absorption, +first in having to play both mother and nursery-maid to his daughter, and, +later, in the suffering which she had caused him; she could see the +tortured expression which was never absent from the old man's face in +those terrible last years; she knew that he had definitely abandoned the +task of transcribing in fair copies the whole of his later work, the poor +little pieces, we imagined, of an old music-master, a retired village +organist, which, we assumed, were of little or no value in themselves, +though we did not despise them, because they were of such great value to +him and had been the chief motive of his life before he sacrificed them to +his daughter; pieces which, being mostly not even written down, but +recorded only in his memory, while the rest were scribbled on loose sheets +of paper, and quite illegible, must now remain unknown for ever; my mother +thought, also, of that other and still more cruel renunciation to which M. +Vinteuil had been driven, that of seeing the girl happily settled, with an +honest and respectable future; when she called to mind all this utter and +crushing misery that had come upon my aunts' old music-master, she was +moved to very real grief, and shuddered to think of that other grief, so +different in its bitterness, which Mlle. Vinteuil must now be feeling, +tinged with remorse at having virtually killed her father. "Poor M. +Vinteuil," my mother would say, "he lived for his daughter, and now he has +died for her, without getting his reward. Will he get it now, I wonder, +and in what form? It can only come to him from her." + +At the far end of Mlle. Vinteuil's sitting-room, on the mantelpiece, stood +a small photograph of her father which she went briskly to fetch, just as +the sound of carriage wheels was heard from the road outside, then flung +herself down on a sofa and drew close beside her a little table on which +she placed the photograph, just as, long ago, M. Vinteuil had 'placed' +beside him the piece of music which he would have liked to play over to my +parents. And then her friend came in. Mlle. Vinteuil greeted her without +rising, clasping her hands behind her head, and drew her body to one side +of the sofa, as though to 'make room.' But no sooner had she done this +than she appeared to feel that she was perhaps suggesting a particular +position to her friend, with an emphasis which might well be regarded as +importunate. She thought that her friend would prefer, no doubt, to sit +down at some distance from her, upon a chair; she felt that she had been +indiscreet; her sensitive heart took fright; stretching herself out again +over the whole of the sofa, she closed her eyes and began to yawn, so as +to indicate that it was a desire to sleep, and that alone, which had made +her lie down there. Despite the rude and hectoring familiarity with which +she treated her companion I could recognise in her the obsequious and +reticent advances, the abrupt scruples and restraints which had +characterised her father. Presently she rose and came to the window, where +she pretended to be trying to close the shutters and not succeeding. + +"Leave them open," said her friend. "I am hot." + +"But it's too dreadful! People will see us," Mlle. Vinteuil answered. And +then she guessed, probably, that her friend would think that she had +uttered these words simply in order to provoke a reply in certain other +words, which she seemed, indeed, to wish to hear spoken, but, from +prudence, would let her friend be the first to speak. And so, although I +could not see her face clearly enough, I am sure that the expression must +have appeared on it which my grandmother had once found so delightful, +when she hastily went on: "When I say 'see us' I mean, of course, see us +reading. It's so dreadful to think that in every trivial little thing you +do some one may be overlooking you." + +With the instinctive generosity of her nature, a courtesy beyond her +control, she refrained from uttering the studied words which, she had +felt, were indispensable for the full realisation of her desire. And +perpetually, in the depths of her being, a shy and suppliant maiden would +kneel before that other element, the old campaigner, battered but +triumphant, would intercede with him and oblige him to retire. + +"Oh, yes, it is so extremely likely that people are looking at us at this +time of night in this densely populated district!" said her friend, with +bitter irony. "And what if they are?" she went on, feeling bound to +annotate with a malicious yet affectionate wink these words which she was +repeating, out of good nature, like a lesson prepared beforehand which, +she knew, it would please Mlle. Vinteuil to hear. "And what if they are? +All the better that they should see us." + +Mlle. Vinteuil shuddered and rose to her feet. In her sensitive and +scrupulous heart she was ignorant what words ought to flow, spontaneously, +from her lips, so as to produce the scene for which her eager senses +clamoured. She reached out as far as she could across the limitations of +her true character to find the language appropriate to a vicious young +woman such as she longed to be thought, but the words which, she imagined, +such a young woman might have uttered with sincerity sounded unreal in her +own mouth. And what little she allowed herself to say was said in a +strained tone, in which her ingrained timidity paralysed her tendency to +freedom and audacity of speech; while she kept on interrupting herself +with: "You're sure you aren't cold? You aren't too hot? You don't want to +sit and read by yourself?... + +"Your ladyship's thoughts seem to be rather 'warm' this evening," she +concluded, doubtless repeating a phrase which she had heard used, on some +earlier occasion, by her friend. + +In the V-shaped opening of her crape bodice Mlle. Vinteuil felt the sting +of her friend's sudden kiss; she gave a little scream and ran away; and +then they began to chase one another about the room, scrambling over the +furniture, their wide sleeves fluttering like wings, clucking and crowing +like a pair of amorous fowls. At last Mlle. Vinteuil fell down exhausted +upon the sofa, where she was screened from me by the stooping body of her +friend. But the latter now had her back turned to the little table on +which the old music-master's portrait had been arranged. Mlle. Vinteuil +realised that her friend would not see it unless her attention were drawn +to it, and so exclaimed, as if she herself had just noticed it for the +first time: "Oh! there's my father's picture looking at us; I can't think +who can have put it there; I'm sure I've told them twenty times, that is +not the proper place for it." + +I remembered the words that M. Vinteuil had used to my parents in +apologising for an obtrusive sheet of music. This photograph was, of +course, in common use in their ritual observances, was subjected to daily +profanation, for the friend replied in words which were evidently a +liturgical response: "Let him stay there. He can't trouble us any longer. +D'you think he'd start whining, d'you think he'd pack you out of the house +if he could see you now, with the window open, the ugly old monkey?" + +To which Mlle. Vinteuil replied, "Oh, please!"--a gentle reproach which +testified to the genuine goodness of her nature, not that it was prompted +by any resentment at hearing her father spoken of in this fashion (for +that was evidently a feeling which she had trained herself, by a long +course of sophistries, to keep in close subjection at such moments), but +rather because it was the bridle which, so as to avoid all appearance of +egotism, she herself used to curb the gratification which her friend was +attempting to procure for her. It may well have been, too, that the +smiling moderation with which she faced and answered these blasphemies, +that this tender and hypocritical rebuke appeared to her frank and +generous nature as a particularly shameful and seductive form of that +criminal attitude towards life which she was endeavouring to adopt. But +she could not resist the attraction of being treated with affection by a +woman who had just shewn herself so implacable towards the defenceless +dead; she sprang on to the knees of her friend and held out a chaste brow +to be kissed; precisely as a daughter would have done to her mother, +feeling with exquisite joy that they would thus, between them, inflict the +last turn of the screw of cruelty, in robbing M. Vinteuil, as though they +were actually rifling his tomb, of the sacred rights of fatherhood. Her +friend took the girl's head in her hands and placed a kiss on her brow +with a docility prompted by the real affection she had for Mlle. Vinteuil, +as well as by the desire to bring what distraction she could into the dull +and melancholy life of an orphan. + +"Do you know what I should like to do to that old horror?" she said, +taking up the photograph. She murmured in Mlle. Vinteuil's ear something +that I could not distinguish. + +"Oh! You would never dare." + +"Not dare to spit on it? On that?" shouted the friend with deliberate +brutality. + +I heard no more, for Mlle. Vinteuil, who now seemed weary, awkward, +preoccupied, sincere, and rather sad, came back to the window and drew the +shutters close; but I knew now what was the reward that M. Vinteuil, in +return for all the suffering that he had endured in his lifetime, on +account of his daughter, had received from her after his death. + +And yet I have since reflected that if M. Vinteuil had been able to be +present at this scene, he might still, and in spite of everything, have +continued to believe in his daughter's soundness of heart, and that he +might even, in so doing, have been not altogether wrong. It was true that +in all Mlle. Vinteuil's actions the appearance of evil was so strong and +so consistent that it would have been hard to find it exhibited in such +completeness save in what is nowadays called a 'sadist'; it is behind the +footlights of a Paris theatre, and not under the homely lamp of an actual +country house, that one expects to see a girl leading her friend on to +spit upon the portrait of a father who has lived and died for nothing and +no one but herself; and when we find in real life a desire for +melodramatic effect, it is generally the 'sadic' instinct that is +responsible for it. It is possible that, without being in the least +inclined towards 'sadism,' a girl might have shewn the same outrageous +cruelty as Mlle. Vinteuil in desecrating the memory and defying the wishes +of her dead father, but she would not have given them deliberate +expression in an act so crude in its symbolism, so lacking in subtlety; +the criminal element in her behaviour would have been less evident to +other people, and even to herself, since she would not have admitted to +herself that she was doing wrong. But, appearances apart, in Mlle. +Vinteuil's soul, at least in the earlier stages, the evil element was +probably not unmixed. A 'sadist' of her kind is an artist in evil, which a +wholly wicked person could not be, for in that case the evil would not +have been external, it would have seemed quite natural to her, and would +not even have been distinguishable from herself; and as for virtue, +respect for the dead, filial obedience, since she would never have +practised the cult of these things, she would take no impious delight in +their profanation. 'Sadists' of Mlle. Vinteuil's sort are creatures so +purely sentimental, so virtuous by nature, that even sensual pleasure +appears to them as something bad, a privilege reserved for the wicked. And +when they allow themselves for a moment to enjoy it they endeavour to +impersonate, to assume all the outward appearance of wicked people, for +themselves and their partners in guilt, so as to gain the momentary +illusion of having escaped beyond the control of their own gentle and +scrupulous natures into the inhuman world of pleasure. And I could +understand how she must have longed for such an escape when I realised +that it was impossible for her to effect it. At the moment when she wished +to be thought the very antithesis of her father, what she at once +suggested to me were the mannerisms, in thought and speech, of the poor +old music-master. Indeed, his photograph was nothing; what she really +desecrated, what she corrupted into ministering to her pleasures, but what +remained between them and her and prevented her from any direct enjoyment +of them, was the likeness between her face and his, his mother's blue eyes +which he had handed down to her, like some trinket to be kept in the +family, those little friendly movements and inclinations which set up +between the viciousness of Mlle. Vinteuil and herself a phraseology, a +mentality not designed for vice, which made her regard it as not in any +way different from the numberless little social duties and courtesies to +which she must devote herself every day. It was not evil that gave her the +idea of pleasure, that seemed to her attractive; it was pleasure, rather, +that seemed evil. And as, every time that she indulged in it, pleasure +came to her attended by evil thoughts such as, ordinarily, had no place in +her virtuous mind, she came at length to see in pleasure itself something +diabolical, to identify it with Evil. Perhaps Mlle. Vinteuil felt that at +heart her friend was not altogether bad, not really sincere when she gave +vent to those blasphemous utterances. At any rate, she had the pleasure +of receiving those kisses on her brow, those smiles, those glances; all +feigned, perhaps, but akin in their base and vicious mode of expression to +those which would have been discernible on the face of a creature formed +not out of kindness and long-suffering, but out of self-indulgence and +cruelty. She was able to delude herself for a moment into believing that +she was indeed amusing herself in the way in which, with so unnatural an +accomplice, a girl might amuse herself who really did experience that +savage antipathy towards her father's memory. Perhaps she would not have +thought of wickedness as a state so rare, so abnormal, so exotic, one +which it was so refreshing to visit, had she been able to distinguish in +herself, as in all her fellow-men and women, that indifference to the +sufferings which they cause which, whatever names else be given it, is the +one true, terrible and lasting form of cruelty. + + - - - + +If the 'Méséglise way' was so easy, it was a very different matter when we +took the 'Guermantes way,' for that meant a long walk, and we must make +sure, first, of the weather. When we seemed to have entered upon a spell +of fine days, when Françoise, in desperation that not a drop was falling +upon the 'poor crops,' gazing up at the sky and seeing there only a little +white cloud floating here and there upon its calm, azure surface, groaned +aloud and exclaimed: "You would say they were nothing more nor less than a +lot of dogfish swimming about and sticking up their snouts! Ah, they never +think of making it rain a little for the poor labourers! And then when the +corn is all ripe, down it will come, rattling all over the place, and +think no more of where it is falling than if it was on the sea!"--when my +father's appeals to the gardener had met with the same encouraging answer +several times in succession, then some one would say, at dinner: +"To-morrow, if the weather holds, we might go the Guermantes way." And off +we would set, immediately after luncheon, through the little garden gate +which dropped us into the Rue des Perchamps, narrow and bent at a sharp +angle, dotted with grass-plots over which two or three wasps would spend +the day botanising, a street as quaint as its name, from which its odd +characteristics and its personality were, I felt, derived; a street for +which one might search in vain through the Combray of to-day, for the +public school now rises upon its site. But in my dreams of Combray (like +those architects, pupils of Viollet-le-Duc, who, fancying that they can +detect, beneath a Renaissance rood-loft and an eighteenth-century altar, +traces of a Norman choir, restore the whole church to the state in which +it probably was in the twelfth century) I leave not a stone of the modern +edifice standing, I pierce through it and 'restore' the Rue des Perchamps. +And for such reconstruction memory furnishes me with more detailed +guidance than is generally at the disposal of restorers; the pictures +which it has preserved--perhaps the last surviving in the world to-day, +and soon to follow the rest into oblivion--of what Combray looked like in +my childhood's days; pictures which, simply because it was the old Combray +that traced their outlines upon my mind before it vanished, are as +moving--if I may compare a humble landscape with those glorious works, +reproductions of which my grandmother was so fond of bestowing on me--as +those old engravings of the 'Cenacolo,' or that painting by Gentile +Bellini, in which one sees, in a state in which they no longer exist, the +masterpiece of Leonardo and the portico of Saint Mark's. + +We would pass, in the Rue de l'Oiseau, before the old hostelry of the +Oiseau Flesché, into whose great courtyard, once upon a time, would rumble +the coaches of the Duchesses de Montpensier, de Guermantes, and de +Montmorency, when they had to come down to Combray for some litigation +with their farmers, or to receive homage from them. We would come at +length to the Mall, among whose treetops I could distinguish the steeple +of Saint-Hilaire. And I should have liked to be able to sit down and spend +the whole day there, reading and listening to the bells, for it was so +charming there and so quiet that, when an hour struck, you would have said +not that it broke in upon the calm of the day, but that it relieved the +day of its superfluity, and that the steeple, with the indolent, +painstaking exactitude of a person who has nothing else to do, had simply, +in order to squeeze out and let fall the few golden drops which had slowly +and naturally accumulated in the hot sunlight, pressed, at a given moment, +the distended surface of the silence. + +The great charm of the 'Guermantes' way was that we had beside us, almost +all the time, the course of the Vivonne. We crossed it first, ten minutes +after leaving the house, by a foot-bridge called the Pont-Vieux. And +every year, when we arrived at Combray, on Easter morning, after the +sermon, if the weather was fine, I would run there to see (amid all the +disorder that prevails on the morning of a great festival, the gorgeous +preparations for which make the everyday household utensils that they have +not contrived to banish seem more sordid than ever) the river flowing +past, sky-blue already between banks still black and bare, its only +companions a clump of daffodils, come out before their time, a few +primroses, the first in flower, while here and there burned the blue flame +of a violet, its stem bent beneath the weight of the drop of perfume +stored in its tiny horn. The Pont-Vieux led to a tow-path which, at this +point, would be overhung in summer by the bluish foliage of a hazel, under +which a fisherman in a straw hat seemed to have taken root. At Combray, +where I knew everyone, and could always detect the blacksmith or grocer's +boy through his disguise of a beadle's uniform or chorister's surplice, +this fisherman was the only person whom I was never able to identify. He +must have known my family, for he used to raise his hat when we passed; +and then I would always be just on the point of asking his name, when some +one would make a sign to me to be quiet, or I would frighten the fish. We +would follow the tow-path which ran along the top of a steep bank, several +feet above the stream. The ground on the other side was lower, and +stretched in a series of broad meadows as far as the village and even to +the distant railway-station. Over these were strewn the remains, +half-buried in the long grass, of the castle of the old Counts of Combray, +who, during the Middle Ages, had had on this side the course of the +Vivonne as a barrier and defence against attack from the Lords of +Guermantes and Abbots of Martinville. Nothing was left now but a few +stumps of towers, hummocks upon the broad surface of the fields, hardly +visible, broken battlements over which, in their day, the bowmen had +hurled down stones, the watchmen had gazed out over Novepont, +Clairefontaine, Martinville-le-Sec, Bailleau-l'Exempt, fiefs all of them +of Guermantes, a ring in which Combray was locked; but fallen among the +grass now, levelled with the ground, climbed and commanded by boys from +the Christian Brothers' school, who came there in their playtime, or with +lesson-books to be conned; emblems of a past that had sunk down and +well-nigh vanished under the earth, that lay by the water's edge now, like +an idler taking the air, yet giving me strong food for thought, making the +name of Combray connote to me not the little town of to-day only, but an +historic city vastly different, seizing and holding my imagination by the +remote, incomprehensible features which it half-concealed beneath a +spangled veil of buttercups. For the buttercups grew past numbering on +this spot which they had chosen for their games among the grass, standing +singly, in couples, in whole companies, yellow as the yolk of eggs, and +glowing with an added lustre, I felt, because, being powerless to +consummate with my palate the pleasure which the sight of them never +failed to give me, I would let it accumulate as my eyes ranged over their +gilded expanse, until it had acquired the strength to create in my mind a +fresh example of absolute, unproductive beauty; and so it had been from my +earliest childhood, when from the tow-path I had stretched out my arms +towards them, before even I could pronounce their charming name--a name +fit for the Prince in some French fairy-tale; colonists, perhaps, in some +far distant century from Asia, but naturalised now for ever in the +village, well satisfied with their modest horizon, rejoicing in the +sunshine and the water's edge, faithful to their little glimpse of the +railway-station; yet keeping, none the less, as do some of our old +paintings, in their plebeian simplicity, a poetic scintillation from the +golden East. + +I would amuse myself by watching the glass jars which the boys used to +lower into the Vivonne, to catch minnows, and which, filled by the current +of the stream, in which they themselves also were enclosed, at once +'containers' whose transparent sides were like solidified water and +'contents' plunged into a still larger container of liquid, flowing +crystal, suggested an image of coolness more delicious and more provoking +than the same water in the same jars would have done, standing upon a +table laid for dinner, by shewing it as perpetually in flight between the +impalpable water, in which my hands could not arrest it, and the insoluble +glass, in which my palate could not enjoy it. I decided that I would come +there again with a line and catch fish; I begged for and obtained a morsel +of bread from our luncheon basket; and threw into the Vivonne pellets +which had the power, it seemed, to bring about a chemical precipitation, +for the water at once grew solid round about them in oval clusters of +emaciated tadpoles, which until then it had, no doubt, been holding in +solution, invisible, but ready and alert to enter the stage of +crystallisation. + +Presently the course of the Vivonne became choked with water-plants. At +first they appeared singly, a lily, for instance, which the current, +across whose path it had unfortunately grown, would never leave at rest +for a moment, so that, like a ferry-boat mechanically propelled, it would +drift over to one bank only to return to the other, eternally repeating +its double journey. Thrust towards the bank, its stalk would be +straightened out, lengthened, strained almost to breaking-point until the +current again caught it, its green moorings swung back over their +anchorage and brought the unhappy plant to what might fitly be called its +starting-point, since it was fated not to rest there a moment before +moving off once again. I would still find it there, on one walk after +another, always in the same helpless state, suggesting certain victims of +neurasthenia, among whom my grandfather would have included my aunt +Léonie, who present without modification, year after year, the spectacle +of their odd and unaccountable habits, which they always imagine +themselves to be on the point of shaking off, but which they always retain +to the end; caught in the treadmill of their own maladies and +eccentricities, their futile endeavours to escape serve only to actuate +its mechanism, to keep in motion the clockwork of their strange, +ineluctable, fatal daily round. Such as these was the water-lily, and also +like one of those wretches whose peculiar torments, repeated indefinitely +throughout eternity, aroused the curiosity of Dante, who would have +inquired of them at greater length and in fuller detail from the victims +themselves, had not Virgil, striding on ahead, obliged him to hasten after +him at full speed, as I must hasten after my parents. + +But farther on the current slackened, where the stream ran through a +property thrown open to the public by its owner, who had made a hobby of +aquatic gardening, so that the little ponds into which the Vivonne was +here diverted were aflower with water-lilies. As the banks at this point +were thickly wooded, the heavy shade of the trees gave the water a +background which was ordinarily dark green, although sometimes, when we +were coming home on a calm evening after a stormy afternoon, I have seen +in its depths a clear, crude blue that was almost violet, suggesting a +floor of Japanese cloisonné. Here and there, on the surface, floated, +blushing like a strawberry, the scarlet heart of a lily set in a ring of +white petals. + +Beyond these the flowers were more frequent, but paler, less glossy, more +thickly seeded, more tightly folded, and disposed, by accident, in +festoons so graceful that I would fancy I saw floating upon the stream, as +though after the dreary stripping of the decorations used in some Watteau +festival, moss-roses in loosened garlands. Elsewhere a corner seemed to be +reserved for the commoner kinds of lily; of a neat pink or white like +rocket-flowers, washed clean like porcelain, with housewifely care; while, +a little farther again, were others, pressed close together in a floating +garden-bed, as though pansies had flown out of a garden like butterflies +and were hovering with blue and burnished wings over the transparent +shadowiness of this watery border; this skiey border also, for it set +beneath the flowers a soil of a colour more precious, more moving than +their own; and both in the afternoon, when it sparkled beneath the lilies +in the kaleidoscope of a happiness silent, restless, and alert, and +towards evening, when it was filled like a distant heaven with the roseate +dreams of the setting sun, incessantly changing and ever remaining in +harmony, about the more permanent colour of the flowers themselves, with +the utmost profundity, evanescence, and mystery--with a quiet suggestion +of infinity; afternoon or evening, it seemed to have set them flowering in +the heart of the sky. + +After leaving this park the Vivonne began to flow again more swiftly. How +often have I watched, and longed to imitate, when I should be free to live +as I chose, a rower who had shipped his oars and lay stretched out on his +back, his head down, in the bottom of his boat, letting it drift with the +current, seeing nothing but the sky which slipped quietly above him, +shewing upon his features a foretaste of happiness and peace. + +We would sit down among the irises at the water's edge. In the holiday sky +a lazy cloud streamed out to its full length. Now and then, crushed by the +burden of idleness, a carp would heave up out of the water, with an +anxious gasp. It was time for us to feed. Before starting homewards we +would sit for a long time there, eating fruit and bread and chocolate, on +the grass, over which came to our ears, horizontal, faint, but solid still +and metallic, the sound of the bells of Saint-Hilaire, which had melted +not at all in the atmosphere it was so well accustomed to traverse, but, +broken piecemeal by the successive palpitation of all their sonorous +strokes, throbbed as it brushed the flowers at our feet. + +Sometimes, at the water's edge and embedded in trees, we would come upon a +house of the kind called 'pleasure houses,' isolated and lost, seeing +nothing of the world, save the river which bathed its feet. A young woman, +whose pensive face and fashionable veils did not suggest a local origin, +and who had doubtless come there, in the popular phrase, 'to bury herself,' +to taste the bitter sweetness of feeling that her name, and still more the +name of him whose heart she had once held, but had been unable to keep, +were unknown there, stood framed in a window from which she had no outlook +beyond the boat that was moored beside her door. She raised her eyes with +an air of distraction when she heard, through the trees that lined the +bank, the voices of passers-by of whom, before they came in sight, she +might be certain that never had they known, nor would they know, the +faithless lover, that nothing in their past lives bore his imprint, which +nothing in their future would have occasion to receive. One felt that in +her renunciation of life she had willingly abandoned those places in which +she would at least have been able to see him whom she loved, for others +where he had never trod. And I watched her, as she returned from some walk +along a road where she had known that he would not appear, drawing from +her submissive fingers long gloves of a precious, useless charm. + +Never, in the course of our walks along the 'Guermantes way,' might we +penetrate as far as the source of the Vivonne, of which I had often +thought, which had in my mind so abstract, so ideal an existence, that I +had been as much surprised when some one told me that it was actually to +be found in the same department, and at a given number of miles from +Combray, as I had been on the day when I had learned that there was +another fixed point somewhere on the earth's surface, where, according to +the ancients, opened the jaws of Hell. Nor could we ever reach that other +goal, to which I longed so much to attain, Guermantes itself. I knew that +it was the residence of its proprietors, the Duc and Duchesse de +Guermantes, I knew that they were real personages who did actually exist, +but whenever I thought about them I pictured them to myself either in +tapestry, as was the 'Coronation of Esther' which hung in our church, or +else in changing, rainbow colours, as was Gilbert the Bad in his window, +where he passed from cabbage green, when I was dipping my fingers in the +holy water stoup, to plum blue when I had reached our row of chairs, or +again altogether impalpable, like the image of Geneviève de Brabant, +ancestress of the Guermantes family, which the magic lantern sent +wandering over the curtains of my room or flung aloft upon the ceiling--in +short, always wrapped in the mystery of the Merovingian age, and bathed, +as in a sunset, in the orange light which glowed from the resounding +syllable 'antes.' And if, in spite of that, they were for me, in their +capacity as a duke and a duchess, real people, though of an unfamiliar +kind, this ducal personality was in its turn enormously distended, +immaterialised, so as to encircle and contain that Guermantes of which +they were duke and duchess, all that sunlit 'Guermantes way' of our walks, +the course of the Vivonne, its water-lilies and its overshadowing trees, +and an endless series of hot summer afternoons. And I knew that they bore +not only the titles of Duc and Duchesse de Guermantes, but that since the +fourteenth century, when, after vain attempts to conquer its earlier lords +in battle, they had allied themselves by marriage, and so became Counts of +Combray, the first citizens, consequently, of the place, and yet the only +ones among its citizens who did not reside in it--Comtes de Combray, +possessing Combray, threading it on their string of names and titles, +absorbing it in their personalities, and illustrating, no doubt, in +themselves that strange and pious melancholy which was peculiar to +Combray; proprietors of the town, though not of any particular house +there; dwelling, presumably, out of doors, in the street, between heaven +and earth, like that Gilbert de Guermantes, of whom I could see, in the +stained glass of the apse of Saint-Hilaire, only the 'other side' in dull +black lacquer, if I raised my eyes to look for him, when I was going to +Camus's for a packet of salt. + +And then it happened that, going the 'Guermantes way,' I passed +occasionally by a row of well-watered little gardens, over whose hedges +rose clusters of dark blossom. I would stop before them, hoping to gain +some precious addition to my experience, for I seemed to have before my +eyes a fragment of that riverside country which I had longed so much to +see and know since coming upon a description of it by one of my favourite +authors. And it was with that story-book land, with its imagined soil +intersected by a hundred bubbling watercourses, that Guermantes, changing +its form in my mind, became identified, after I heard Dr. Percepied speak +of the flowers and the charming rivulets and fountains that were to be +seen there in the ducal park. I used to dream that Mme. de Guermantes, +taking a sudden capricious fancy for myself, invited me there, that all +day long she stood fishing for trout by my side. And when evening came, +holding my hand in her own, as we passed by the little gardens of her +vassals, she would point out to me the flowers that leaned their red and +purple spikes along the tops of the low walls, and would teach me all +their names. She would make me tell her, too, all about the poems that I +meant to compose. And these dreams reminded me that, since I wished, some +day, to become a writer, it was high time to decide what sort of books I +was going to write. But as soon as I asked myself the question, and tried +to discover some subjects to which I could impart a philosophical +significance of infinite value, my mind would stop like a clock, I would +see before me vacuity, nothing, would feel either that I was wholly devoid +of talent, or that, perhaps, a malady of the brain was hindering its +development. Sometimes I would depend upon my father's arranging +everything for me. He was so powerful, in such favour with the people who +'really counted,' that he made it possible for us to transgress laws which +Françoise had taught me to regard as more ineluctable than the laws of +life and death, as when we were allowed to postpone for a year the +compulsory repainting of the walls of our house, alone among all the +houses in that part of Paris, or when he obtained permission from the +Minister for Mme. Sazerat's son, who had been ordered to some +watering-place, to take his degree two months before the proper time, +among the candidates whose surnames began with 'A,' instead of having to +wait his turn as an 'S.' If I had fallen seriously ill, if I had been +captured by brigands, convinced that my father's understanding with the +supreme powers was too complete, that his letters of introduction to the +Almighty were too irresistible for my illness or captivity to turn out +anything but vain illusions, in which there was no danger actually +threatening me, I should have awaited with perfect composure the +inevitable hour of my return to comfortable realities, of my deliverance +from bondage or restoration to health. Perhaps this want of talent, this +black cavity which gaped in my mind when I ransacked it for the theme of +my future writings, was itself no more, either, than an unsubstantial +illusion, and would be brought to an end by the intervention of my father, +who would arrange with the Government and with Providence that I should be +the first writer of my day. But at other times, while my parents were +growing impatient at seeing me loiter behind instead of following them, my +actual life, instead of seeming an artificial creation by my father, and +one which he could modify as he chose, appeared, on the contrary, to be +comprised in a larger reality which had not been created for my benefit, +from whose judgments there was no appeal, in the heart of which I was +bound, helpless, without friend or ally, and beyond which no further +possibilities lay concealed. It was evident to me then that I existed in +the same manner as all other men, that I must grow old, that I must die +like them, and that among them I was to be distinguished merely as one of +those who have no aptitude for writing. And so, utterly despondent, I +renounced literature for ever, despite the encouragements that had been +given me by Bloch. This intimate, spontaneous feeling, this sense of the +nullity of my intellect, prevailed against all the flattering speeches +that might be lavished upon me, as a wicked man, when everyone is loud in +the praise of his good deeds, is gnawed by the secret remorse of +conscience. + +One day my mother said: "You are always talking about Mme. de Guermantes. +Well, Dr. Percepied did a great deal for her when she was ill, four years +ago, and so she is coming to Combray for his daughter's wedding. You will +be able to see her in church." It was from Dr. Percepied, as it happened, +that I had heard most about Mme. de Guermantes, and he had even shewn us +the number of an illustrated paper in which she was depicted in the +costume which she had worn at a fancy dress ball given by the Princesse de +Léon. + +Suddenly, during the nuptial mass, the beadle, by moving to one side, +enabled me to see, sitting in a chapel, a lady with fair hair and a large +nose, piercing blue eyes, a billowy scarf of mauve silk, glossy and new +and brilliant, and a little spot at the corner of her nose. And because on +the surface of her face, which was red, as though she had been very warm, +I could make out, diluted and barely perceptible, details which resembled +the portrait that had been shewn to me; because, more especially, the +particular features which I remarked in this lady, if I attempted to +catalogue them, formulated themselves in precisely the same terms:--_a +large nose, blue eyes_, as Dr. Percepied had used when describing in my +presence the Duchesse de Guermantes, I said to myself: "This lady is like +the Duchesse de Guermantes." Now the chapel from which she was following +the service was that of Gilbert the Bad; beneath its flat tombstones, +yellowed and bulging like cells of honey in a comb, rested the bones of +the old Counts of Brabant; and I remembered having heard it said that this +chapel was reserved for the Guermantes family, whenever any of its members +came to attend a ceremony at Combray; there was, indeed, but one woman +resembling the portrait of Mme. de Guermantes who on that day, the very +day on which she was expected to come there, could be sitting in that +chapel: it was she! My disappointment was immense. It arose from my not +having borne in mind, when I thought of Mme. de Guermantes, that I was +picturing her to myself in the colours of a tapestry or a painted window, +as living in another century, as being of another substance than the rest +of the human race. Never had I taken into account that she might have a +red face, a mauve scarf like Mme. Sazerat; and the oval curve of her +cheeks reminded me so strongly of people whom I had seen at home that the +suspicion brushed against my mind (though it was immediately banished) +that this lady in her creative principle, in the molecules of her physical +composition, was perhaps not substantially the Duchesse de Guermantes, but +that her body, in ignorance of the name that people had given it, belonged +to a certain type of femininity which included, also, the wives of doctors +and tradesmen. "It is, it must be Mme. de Guermantes, and no one else!" +were the words underlying the attentive and astonished expression with +which I was gazing upon this image, which, naturally enough, bore no +resemblance to those that had so often, under the same title of 'Mme. de +Guermantes,' appeared to me in dreams, since this one had not been, like +the others, formed arbitrarily by myself, but had sprung into sight for +the first time, only a moment ago, here in church; an image which was not +of the same nature, was not colourable at will, like those others that +allowed themselves to imbibe the orange tint of a sonorous syllable, but +which was so real that everything, even to the fiery little spot at the +corner of her nose, gave an assurance of her subjection to the laws of +life, as in a transformation scene on the stage a crease in the dress of a +fairy, a quivering of her tiny finger, indicate the material presence of a +living actress before our eyes, whereas we were uncertain, till then, +whether we were not looking merely at a projection of limelight from a +lantern. + +Meanwhile I was endeavouring to apply to this image, which the prominent +nose, the piercing eyes pinned down and fixed in my field of vision +(perhaps because it was they that had first struck it, that had made the +first impression on its surface, before I had had time to wonder whether +the woman who thus appeared before me might possibly be Mme. de +Guermantes), to this fresh and unchanging image the idea: "It is Mme. de +Guermantes"; but I succeeded only in making the idea pass between me and +the image, as though they were two discs moving in separate planes, with a +space between. But this Mme. de Guermantes of whom I had so often dreamed, +now that I could see that she had a real existence independent of myself, +acquired a fresh increase of power over my imagination, which, paralysed +for a moment by contact with a reality so different from anything that it +had expected, began to react and to say within me: "Great and glorious +before the days of Charlemagne, the Guermantes had the right of life and +death over their vassals; the Duchesse de Guermantes descends from +Geneviève de Brabant. She does not know, nor would she consent to know, +any of the people who are here to-day." + +And then--oh, marvellous independence of the human gaze, tied to the human +face by a cord so loose, so long, so elastic that it can stray, alone, as +far as it may choose--while Mme. de Guermantes sat in the chapel above the +tombs of her dead ancestors, her gaze lingered here and wandered there, +rose to the capitals of the pillars, and even rested upon myself, like a +ray of sunlight straying down the nave, but a ray of sunlight which, at +the moment when I received its caress, appeared conscious of where it +fell. As for Mme. de Guermantes herself, since she remained there +motionless, sitting like a mother who affects not to notice the rude or +awkward conduct of her children who, in the course of their play, are +speaking to people whom she does not know, it was impossible for me to +determine whether she approved or condemned the vagrancy of her eyes in +the careless detachment of her heart. + +I felt it to be important that she should not leave the church before I +had been able to look long enough upon her, reminding myself that for +years past I had regarded the sight of her as a thing eminently to be +desired, and I kept my eyes fixed on her, as though by gazing at her I +should be able to carry away and incorporate, to store up, for later +reference, in myself the memory of that prominent nose, those red cheeks, +of all those details which struck me as so much precious, authentic, +unparalleled information with regard to her face. And now that, whenever I +brought my mind to bear upon that face--and especially, perhaps, in my +determination, that form of the instinct of self-preservation with which +we guard everything that is best in ourselves, not to admit that I had +been in any way deceived--I found only beauty there; setting her once +again (since they were one and the same person, this lady who sat before +me and that Duchesse de Guermantes whom, until then, I had been used to +conjure into an imagined shape) apart from and above that common run of +humanity with which the sight, pure and simple, of her in the flesh had +made me for a moment confound her, I grew indignant when I heard people +saying, in the congregation round me: "She is better looking than Mme. +Sazerat" or "than Mlle. Vinteuil," as though she had been in any way +comparable with them. And my gaze resting upon her fair hair, her blue +eyes, the lines of her neck, and overlooking the features which might have +reminded me of the faces of other women, I cried out within myself, as I +admired this deliberately unfinished sketch: "How lovely she is! What +true nobility! it is indeed a proud Guermantes, the descendant of +Geneviève de Brabant, that I have before me!" And the care which I took to +focus all my attention upon her face succeeded in isolating it so +completely that to-day, when I call that marriage ceremony to mind, I find +it impossible to visualise any single person who was present except her, +and the beadle who answered me in the affirmative when I inquired whether +the lady was, indeed, Mme. de Guermantes. But her, I can see her still +quite clearly, especially at the moment when the procession filed into the +sacristy, lighted by the intermittent, hot sunshine of a windy and rainy +day, where Mme. de Guermantes found herself in the midst of all those +Combray people whose names, even, she did not know, but whose inferiority +proclaimed her own supremacy so loud that she must, in return, feel for +them a genuine, pitying sympathy, and whom she might count on impressing +even more forcibly by virtue of her simplicity and natural charm. And +then, too, since she could not bring into play the deliberate glances, +charged with a definite meaning, which one directs, in a crowd, towards +people whom one knows, but must allow her vague thoughts to escape +continually from her eyes in a flood of blue light which she was powerless +to control, she was anxious not to distress in any way, not to seem to be +despising those humbler mortals over whom that current flowed, by whom it +was everywhere arrested. I can see again to-day, above her mauve scarf, +silky and buoyant, the gentle astonishment in her eyes, to which she had +added, without daring to address it to anyone in particular, but so that +everyone might enjoy his share of it, the almost timid smile of a +sovereign lady who seems to be making an apology for her presence among +the vassals whom she loves. This smile rested upon myself, who had never +ceased to follow her with my eyes. And I, remembering the glance which she +had let fall upon me during the service, blue as a ray of sunlight that +had penetrated the window of Gilbert the Bad, said to myself, "Of course, +she is thinking about me." I fancied that I had found favour in her sight, +that she would continue to think of me after she had left the church, and +would, perhaps, grow pensive again, that evening, at Guermantes, on my +account. And at once I fell in love with her, for if it is sometimes +enough to make us love a woman that she looks on us with contempt, as I +supposed Mlle. Swann to have done, while we imagine that she cannot ever +be ours, it is enough, also, sometimes that she looks on us kindly, as +Mme. de Guermantes did then, while we think of her as almost ours already. +Her eyes waxed blue as a periwinkle flower, wholly beyond my reach, yet +dedicated by her to me; and the sun, bursting out again from behind a +threatening cloud and darting the full force of its rays on to the Square +and into the sacristy, shed a geranium glow over the red carpet laid down +for the wedding, along which Mme. de Guermantes smilingly advanced, and +covered its woollen texture with a nap of rosy velvet, a bloom of light, +giving it that sort of tenderness, of solemn sweetness in the pomp of a +joyful celebration, which characterises certain pages of _Lohengrin_, +certain paintings by Carpaccio, and makes us understand how Baudelaire was +able to apply to the sound of the trumpet the epithet 'delicious.' + +How often, after that day, in the course of my walks along the +'Guermantes way,' and with what an intensified melancholy did I reflect +on my lack of qualification for a literary career, and that I must abandon +all hope of ever becoming a famous author. The regret that I felt for +this, while I lingered alone to dream for a little by myself, made me +suffer so acutely that, in order not to feel it, my mind of its own +accord, by a sort of inhibition in the instant of pain, ceased entirely to +think of verse-making, of fiction, of the poetic future on which my want +of talent precluded me from counting. Then, quite apart from all those +literary preoccupations, and without definite attachment to anything, +suddenly a roof, a gleam of sunlight reflected from a stone, the smell of +a road would make me stop still, to enjoy the special pleasure that each +of them gave me, and also because they appeared to be concealing, beneath +what my eyes could see, something which they invited me to approach and +seize from them, but which, despite all my efforts, I never managed to +discover. As I felt that the mysterious object was to be found in them, I +would stand there in front of them, motionless, gazing, breathing, +endeavouring to penetrate with my mind beyond the thing seen or smelt. And +if I had then to hasten after my grandfather, to proceed on my way, I +would still seek to recover my sense of them by closing my eyes; I would +concentrate upon recalling exactly the line of the roof, the colour of the +stone, which, without my being able to understand why, had seemed to me to +be teeming, ready to open, to yield up to me the secret treasure of which +they were themselves no more than the outer coverings. It was certainly +not any impression of this kind that could or would restore the hope I had +lost of succeeding one day in becoming an author and poet, for each of +them was associated with some material object devoid of any intellectual +value, and suggesting no abstract truth. But at least they gave me an +unreasoning pleasure, the illusion of a sort of fecundity of mind; and in +that way distracted me from the tedium, from the sense of my own impotence +which I had felt whenever I had sought a philosophic theme for some great +literary work. So urgent was the task imposed on my conscience by these +impressions of form or perfume or colour--to strive for a perception of +what lay hidden beneath them, that I was never long in seeking an excuse +which would allow me to relax so strenuous an effort and to spare myself +the fatigue that it involved. As good luck would have it, my parents +called me; I felt that I had not, for the moment, the calm environment +necessary for a successful pursuit of my researches, and that it would be +better to think no more of the matter until I reached home, and not to +exhaust myself in the meantime to no purpose. And so I concerned myself no +longer with the mystery that lay hidden in a form or a perfume, quite at +ease in my mind, since I was taking it home with me, protected by its +visible and tangible covering, beneath which I should find it still alive, +like the fish which, on days when I had been allowed to go out fishing, I +used to carry back in my basket, buried in a couch of grass which kept +them cool and fresh. Once in the house again I would begin to think of +something else, and so my mind would become littered (as my room was with +the flowers that I had gathered on my walks, or the odds and ends that +people had given me) with a stone from the surface of which the sunlight +was reflected, a roof, the sound of a bell, the smell of fallen leaves, a +confused mass of different images, under which must have perished long ago +the reality of which I used to have some foreboding, but which I never had +the energy to discover and bring to light. Once, however, when we had +prolonged our walk far beyond its ordinary limits, and so had been very +glad to encounter, half way home, as afternoon darkened into evening, Dr. +Percepied, who drove past us at full speed in his carriage, saw and +recognised us, stopped, and made us jump in beside him, I received an +impression of this sort which I did not abandon without having first +subjected it to an examination a little more thorough. I had been set on +the box beside the coachman, we were going like the wind because the +Doctor had still, before returning to Combray, to call at +Martinville-le-Sec, at the house of a patient, at whose door he asked us +to wait for him. At a bend in the road I experienced, suddenly, that +special pleasure, which bore no resemblance to any other, when I caught +sight of the twin steeples of Martinville, on which the setting sun was +playing, while the movement of the carriage and the windings of the road +seemed to keep them continually changing their position; and then of a +third steeple, that of Vieuxvicq, which, although separated from them by a +hill and a valley, and rising from rather higher ground in the distance, +appeared none the less to be standing by their side. + +In ascertaining and noting the shape of their spires, the changes of +aspect, the sunny warmth of their surfaces, I felt that I was not +penetrating to the full depth of my impression, that something more lay +behind that mobility, that luminosity, something which they seemed at once +to contain and to conceal. + +The steeples appeared so distant, and we ourselves seemed to come so +little nearer them, that I was astonished when, a few minutes later, we +drew up outside the church of Martinville. I did not know the reason for +the pleasure which I had found in seeing them upon the horizon, and the +business of trying to find out what that reason was seemed to me irksome; +I wished only to keep in reserve in my brain those converging lines, +moving in the sunshine, and, for the time being, to think of them no more. +And it is probable that, had I done so, those two steeples would have +vanished for ever, in a great medley of trees and roofs and scents and +sounds which I had noticed and set apart on account of the obscure sense +of pleasure which they gave me, but without ever exploring them more +fully. I got down from the box to talk to my parents while we were waiting +for the Doctor to reappear. Then it was time to start; I climbed up again +to my place, turning my head to look back, once more, at my steeples, of +which, a little later, I caught a farewell glimpse at a turn in the road. +The coachman, who seemed little inclined for conversation, having barely +acknowledged my remarks, I was obliged, in default of other society, to +fall back on my own, and to attempt to recapture the vision of my +steeples. And presently their outlines and their sunlit surface, as though +they had been a sort of rind, were stripped apart; a little of what they +had concealed from me became apparent; an idea came into my mind which had +not existed for me a moment earlier, framed itself in words in my head; +and the pleasure with which the first sight of them, just now, had filled +me was so much enhanced that, overpowered by a sort of intoxication, I +could no longer think of anything but them. At this point, although we had +now travelled a long way from Martinville, I turned my head and caught +sight of them again, quite black this time, for the sun had meanwhile set. +Every few minutes a turn in the road would sweep them out of sight; then +they shewed themselves for the last time, and so I saw them no more. + +Without admitting to myself that what lay buried within the steeples of +Martinville must be something analogous to a charming phrase, since it was +in the form of words which gave me pleasure that it had appeared to me, I +borrowed a pencil and some paper from the Doctor, and composed, in spite +of the jolting of the carriage, to appease my conscience and to satisfy my +enthusiasm, the following little fragment, which I have since discovered, +and now reproduce, with only a slight revision here and there. + + - - - + +Alone, rising from the level of the plain, and seemingly lost in that +expanse of open country, climbed to the sky the twin steeples of +Martinville. Presently we saw three: springing into position confronting +them by a daring volt, a third, a dilatory steeple, that of Vieuxvicq, was +come to join them. The minutes passed, we were moving rapidly, and yet the +three steeples were always a long way ahead of us, like three birds +perched upon the plain, motionless and conspicuous in the sunlight. Then +the steeple of Vieuxvicq withdrew, took its proper distance, and the +steeples of Martinville remained alone, gilded by the light of the setting +sun, which, even at that distance, I could see playing and smiling upon +their sloped sides. We had been so long in approaching them that I was +thinking of the time that must still elapse before we could reach them +when, of a sudden, the carriage, having turned a corner, set us down at +their feet; and they had flung themselves so abruptly in our path that we +had barely time to stop before being dashed against the porch of the +church. + +We resumed our course; we had left Martinville some little time, and the +village, after accompanying us for a few seconds, had already disappeared, +when, lingering alone on the horizon to watch our flight, its steeples and +that of Vieuxvicq waved once again, in token of farewell, their sun-bathed +pinnacles. Sometimes one would withdraw, so that the other two might +watch us for a moment still; then the road changed direction, they veered +in the light like three golden pivots, and vanished from my gaze. But, a +little later, when we were already close to Combray, the sun having set +meanwhile, I caught sight of them for the last time, far away, and seeming +no more now than three flowers painted upon the sky above the low line of +fields. They made me think, too, of three maidens in a legend, abandoned +in a solitary place over which night had begun to fall; and while we drew +away from them at a gallop, I could see them timidly seeking their way, +and, after some awkward, stumbling movements of their noble silhouettes, +drawing close to one another, slipping one behind another, shewing nothing +more, now, against the still rosy sky than a single dusky form, charming +and resigned, and so vanishing in the night. + + - - - + +I never thought again of this page, but at the moment when, on my corner +of the box-seat, where the Doctor's coachman was in the habit of placing, +in a hamper, the fowls which he had bought at Martinville market, I had +finished writing it, I found such a sense of happiness, felt that it had +so entirely relieved my mind of the obsession of the steeples, and of the +mystery which they concealed, that, as though I myself were a hen and had +just laid an egg, I began to sing at the top of my voice. + +All day long, during these walks, I had been able to muse upon the +pleasure that there would be in the friendship of the Duchesse de +Guermantes, in fishing for trout, in drifting by myself in a boat on the +Vivonne; and, greedy for happiness, I asked nothing more from life, in +such moments, than that it should consist always of a series of joyous +afternoons. But when, on our way home, I had caught sight of a farm, on +the left of the road, at some distance from two other farms which were +themselves close together, and from which, to return to Combray, we need +only turn down an avenue of oaks, bordered on one side by a series of +orchard-closes, each one planted at regular intervals with apple-trees +which cast upon the ground, when they were lighted by the setting sun, the +Japanese stencil of their shadows; then, sharply, my heart would begin to +beat, I would know that in half an hour we should be at home, and that +there, as was the rule on days when we had taken the 'Guermantes way' and +dinner was, in consequence, served later than usual, I should be sent to +bed as soon as I had swallowed my soup, so that my mother, kept at table, +just as though there had been company to dinner, would not come upstairs +to say good night to me in bed. The zone of melancholy which I then +entered was totally distinct from that other zone, in which I had been +bounding for joy a moment earlier, just as sometimes in the sky a band of +pink is separated, as though by a line invisibly ruled, from a band of +green or black. You may see a bird flying across the pink; it draws near +the border-line, touches it, enters and is lost upon the black. The +longings by which I had just now been absorbed, to go to Guermantes, to +travel, to live a life of happiness--I was now so remote from them that +their fulfilment would have afforded me no pleasure. How readily would I +have sacrificed them all, just to be able to cry, all night long, in the +arms of Mamma! Shuddering with emotion, I could not take my agonised eyes +from my mother's face, which was not to appear that evening in the bedroom +where I could see myself already lying, in imagination; and wished only +that I were lying dead. And this state would persist until the morrow, +when, the rays of morning leaning their bars of light, as the gardener +might lean his ladder, against the wall overgrown with nasturtiums, which +clambered up it as far as my window-sill, I would leap out of bed to run +down at once into the garden, with no thought of the fact that evening +must return, and with it the hour when I must leave my mother. And so it +was from the 'Guermantes way' that I learned to distinguish between these +states which reigned alternately in my mind, during certain periods, going +so far as to divide every day between them, each one returning to +dispossess the other with the regularity of a fever and ague: contiguous, +and yet so foreign to one another, so devoid of means of communication, +that I could no longer understand, or even picture to myself, in one state +what I had desired or dreaded or even done in the other. + +So the 'Méséglise way' and the 'Guermantes way' remain for me linked with +many of the little incidents of that one of all the divers lives along +whose parallel lines we are moved, which is the most abundant in sudden +reverses of fortune, the richest in episodes; I mean the life of the mind. +Doubtless it makes in us an imperceptible progress, and the truths which +have changed for us its meaning and its aspect, which have opened new +paths before our feet, we had for long been preparing for their discovery; +but that preparation was unconscious; and for us those truths date only +from the day, from the minute when they became apparent. The flowers which +played then among the grass, the water which rippled past in the sunshine, +the whole landscape which served as environment to their apparition +lingers around the memory of them still with its unconscious or unheeding +air; and, certainly, when they were slowly scrutinised by this humble +passer-by, by this dreaming child--as the face of a king is scrutinised by +a petitioner lost in the crowd--that scrap of nature, that corner of a +garden could never suppose that it would be thanks to him that they would +be elected to survive in all their most ephemeral details; and yet the +scent of hawthorn which strays plundering along the hedge from which, in a +little while, the dog-roses will have banished it, a sound of footsteps +followed by no echo, upon a gravel path, a bubble formed at the side of a +waterplant by the current, and formed only to burst--my exaltation of mind +has borne them with it, and has succeeded in making them traverse all +these successive years, while all around them the one-trodden ways have +vanished, while those who thronged those ways, and even the memory of +those who thronged those trodden ways, are dead. Sometimes the fragment of +landscape thus transported into the present will detach itself in such +isolation from all associations that it floats uncertainly upon my mind, +like a flowering isle of Delos, and I am unable to say from what place, +from what time--perhaps, quite simply, from which of my dreams--it comes. +But it is pre-eminently as the deepest layer of my mental soil, as firm +sites on which I still may build, that I regard the Méséglise and +Guermantes 'ways.' It is because I used to think of certain things, of +certain people, while I was roaming along them, that the things, the +people which they taught me to know, and these alone, I still take +seriously, still give me joy. Whether it be that the faith which creates +has ceased to exist in me, or that reality will take shape in the memory +alone, the flowers that people shew me nowadays for the first time never +seem to me to be true flowers. The 'Méséglise way' with its lilacs, its +hawthorns, its cornflowers, its poppies, its apple-trees, the 'Guermantes +way' with its river full of tadpoles, its water-lilies, and its buttercups +have constituted for me for all time the picture of the land in which I +fain would pass my life, in which my only requirements are that I may go +out fishing, drift idly in a boat, see the ruins of a gothic fortress in +the grass, and find hidden among the cornfields--as Saint-André-des-Champs +lay hidden--an old church, monumental, rustic, and yellow like a +mill-stone; and the cornflowers, the hawthorns, the apple-trees which I +may happen, when I go walking, to encounter in the fields, because they +are situated at the same depth, on the level of my past life, at once +establish contact with my heart. And yet, because there is an element of +individuality in places, when I am seized with a desire to see again the +'Guermantes way,' it would not be satisfied were I led to the banks of a +river in which were lilies as fair, or even fairer than those in the +Vivonne, any more than on my return home in the evening, at the hour when +there awakened in me that anguish which, later on in life, transfers +itself to the passion of love, and may even become its inseparable +companion, I should have wished for any strange mother to come in and say +good night to me, though she were far more beautiful and more intelligent +than my own. No: just as the one thing necessary to send me to sleep +contented (in that untroubled peace which no mistress, in later years, has +ever been able to give me, since one has doubts of them at the moment when +one believes in them, and never can possess their hearts as I used to +receive, in her kiss, the heart of my mother, complete, without scruple or +reservation, unburdened by any liability save to myself) was that it +should be my mother who came, that she should incline towards me that face +on which there was, beneath her eye, something that was, it appears, a +blemish, and which I loved as much as all the rest--so what I want to see +again is the 'Guermantes way' as I knew it, with the farm that stood a +little apart from the two neighbouring farms, pressed so close together, +at the entrance to the oak avenue; those meadows upon whose surface, when +it is polished by the sun to the mirroring radiance of a lake, are +outlined the leaves of the apple-trees; that whole landscape whose +individuality sometimes, at night, in my dreams, binds me with a power +that is almost fantastic, of which I can discover no trace when I awake. + +No doubt, by virtue of having permanently and indissolubly combined in me +groups of different impressions, for no reason save that they had made me +feel several separate things at the same time, the Méséglise and +Guermantes 'ways' left me exposed, in later life, to much disillusionment, +and even to many mistakes. For often I have wished to see a person again +without realising that it was simply because that person recalled to me a +hedge of hawthorns in blossom; and I have been led to believe, and to make +some one else believe in an aftermath of affection, by what was no more +than an inclination to travel. But by the same qualities, and by their +persistence in those of my impressions, to-day, to which they can find an +attachment, the two 'ways' give to those impressions a foundation, depth, +a dimension lacking from the rest. They invest them, too, with a charm, a +significance which is for me alone. When, on a summer evening, the +resounding sky growls like a tawny lion, and everyone is complaining of +the storm, it is along the 'Méséglise way' that my fancy strays alone in +ecstasy, inhaling, through the noise of falling rain, the odour of +invisible and persistent lilac-trees. + +And so I would often lie until morning, dreaming of the old days at +Combray, of my melancholy and wakeful evenings there; of other days +besides, the memory of which had been more lately restored to me by the +taste--by what would have been called at Combray the 'perfume'---of a cup +of tea; and, by an association of memories, of a story which, many years +after I had left the little place, had been told me of a love affair in +which Swann had been involved before I was born; with that accuracy of +detail which it is easier, often, to obtain when we are studying the lives +of people who have been dead for centuries than when we are trying to +chronicle those of our own most intimate friends, an accuracy which it +seems as impossible to attain as it seemed impossible to speak from one +town to another, before we learned of the contrivance by which that +impossibility has been overcome. All these memories, following one after +another, were condensed into a single substance, but had not so far +coalesced that I could not discern between the three strata, between my +oldest, my instinctive memories, those others, inspired more recently by a +taste or 'perfume,' and those which were actually the memories of another, +from whom I had acquired them at second hand--no fissures, indeed, no +geological faults, but at least those veins, those streaks of colour which +in certain rocks, in certain marbles, point to differences of origin, age, +and formation. + +It is true that, when morning drew near, I would long have settled the +brief uncertainty of my waking dream, I would know in what room I was +actually lying, would have reconstructed it round about me in the +darkness, and--fixing my orientation by memory alone, or with the +assistance of a feeble glimmer of light at the foot of which I placed the +curtains and the window--would have reconstructed it complete and with its +furniture, as an architect and an upholsterer might do, working upon an +original, discarded plan of the doors and windows; would have replaced the +mirrors and set the chest-of-drawers on its accustomed site. 'But scarcely +had daylight itself--and no longer the gleam from a last, dying ember on a +brass curtain-rod, which I had mistaken for daylight--traced across the +darkness, as with a stroke of chalk across a blackboard, its first white +correcting ray, when the window, with its curtains, would leave the frame +of the doorway, in which I had erroneously placed it, while, to make room +for it, the writing-table, which my memory had clumsily fixed where the +window ought to be, would hurry off at full speed, thrusting before it the +mantelpiece, and sweeping aside the wall of the passage; the well of the +courtyard would be enthroned on the spot where, a moment earlier, my +dressing-room had lain, and the dwelling-place which I had built up for +myself in the darkness would have gone to join all those other dwellings +of which I had caught glimpses from the whirlpool of awakening; put to +flight by that pale sign traced above my window-curtains by the uplifted +forefinger of day. + + + +SWANN IN LOVE + + +To admit you to the 'little nucleus,' the 'little group,' the 'little +clan' at the Verdurins', one condition sufficed, but that one was +indispensable; you must give tacit adherence to a Creed one of whose +articles was that the young pianist, whom Mme. Verdurin had taken under +her patronage that year, and of whom she said "Really, it oughtn't to be +allowed, to play Wagner as well as that!" left both Planté and Rubinstein +'sitting'; while Dr. Cottard was a more brilliant diagnostician than +Potain. Each 'new recruit' whom the Verdurins failed to persuade that the +evenings spent by other people, in other houses than theirs, were as dull +as ditch-water, saw himself banished forthwith. Women being in this +respect more rebellious than men, more reluctant to lay aside all worldly +curiosity and the desire to find out for themselves whether other +drawing-rooms might not sometimes be as entertaining, and the Verdurins +feeling, moreover, that this critical spirit and this demon of frivolity +might, by their contagion, prove fatal to the orthodoxy of the little +church, they had been obliged to expel, one after another, all those of +the 'faithful' who were of the female sex. + +Apart from the doctor's young wife, they were reduced almost exclusively +that season (for all that Mme. Verdurin herself was a thoroughly 'good' +woman, and came of a respectable middle-class family, excessively rich and +wholly undistinguished, with which she had gradually and of her own accord +severed all connection) to a young woman almost of a 'certain class,' a +Mme. de Crécy, whom Mme. Verdurin called by her Christian name, Odette, +and pronounced a 'love,' and to the pianist's aunt, who looked as though +she had, at one period, 'answered the bell': ladies quite ignorant of the +world, who in their social simplicity were so easily led to believe that +the Princesse de Sagan and the Duchesse de Guermantes were obliged to pay +large sums of money to other poor wretches, in order to have anyone at +their dinner-parties, that if somebody had offered to procure them an +invitation to the house of either of those great dames, the old doorkeeper +and the woman of 'easy virtue' would have contemptuously declined. + +The Verdurins never invited you to dinner; you had your 'place laid' +there. There was never any programme for the evening's entertainment. The +young pianist would play, but only if he felt inclined, for no one was +forced to do anything, and, as M. Verdurin used to say: "We're all friends +here. Liberty Hall, you know!" + +If the pianist suggested playing the Ride of the Valkyries, or the Prelude +to Tristan, Mme. Verdurin would protest, not that the music was +displeasing to her, but, on the contrary, that it made too violent an +impression. "Then you want me to have one of my headaches? You know quite +well, it's the same every time he plays that. I know what I'm in for. +Tomorrow, when I want to get up--nothing doing!" If he was not going to +play they talked, and one of the friends--usually the painter who was in +favour there that year--would "spin," as M. Verdurin put it, "a damned +funny yarn that made 'em all split with laughter," and especially Mme. +Verdurin, for whom--so strong was her habit of taking literally the +figurative accounts of her emotions--Dr. Cottard, who was then just +starting in general practice, would "really have to come one day and set +her jaw, which she had dislocated with laughing too much." + +Evening dress was barred, because you were all 'good pals,' and didn't +want to look like the 'boring people' who were to be avoided like the +plague, and only asked to the big evenings, which were given as seldom as +possible, and then only if it would amuse the painter or make the musician +better known. The rest of the time you were quite happy playing charades +and having supper in fancy dress, and there was no need to mingle any +strange element with the little 'clan.' + +But just as the 'good pals' came to take a more and more prominent place +in Mme. Verdurin's life, so the 'bores,' the 'nuisances' grew to include +everybody and everything that kept her friends away from her, that made +them sometimes plead 'previous engagements,' the mother of one, the +professional duties of another, the 'little place in the country' of a +third. If Dr. Cottard felt bound to say good night as soon as they rose +from table, so as to go back to some patient who was seriously ill; "I +don't know," Mme. Verdurin would say, "I'm sure it will do him far more +good if you don't go disturbing him again this evening; he will have a +good night without you; to-morrow morning you can go round early and you +will find him cured." From the beginning of December it would make her +quite ill to think that the 'faithful' might fail her on Christmas and New +Year's Days. The pianist's aunt insisted that he must accompany her, on +the latter, to a family dinner at her mother's. + +"You don't suppose she'll die, your mother," exclaimed Mme. Verdurin +bitterly, "if you don't have dinner with her on New Year's Day, like +people in the _provinces_!" + +Her uneasiness was kindled again in Holy Week: "Now you, Doctor, you're a +sensible, broad-minded man; you'll come, of course, on Good Friday, just +like any other day?" she said to Cottard in the first year of the little +'nucleus,' in a loud and confident voice, as though there could be no +doubt of his answer. But she trembled as she waited for it, for if he did +not come she might find herself condemned to dine alone. + +"I shall come on Good Friday--to say good-bye to you, for we are going to +spend the holidays in Auvergne." + +"In Auvergne? To be eaten by fleas and all sorts of creatures! A fine lot +of good that will do you!" And after a solemn pause: "If you had only told +us, we would have tried to get up a party, and all gone there together, +comfortably." + +And so, too, if one of the 'faithful' had a friend, or one of the ladies a +young man, who was liable, now and then, to make them miss an evening, the +Verdurins, who were not in the least afraid of a woman's having a lover, +provided that she had him in their company, loved him in their company and +did not prefer him to their company, would say: "Very well, then, bring +your friend along." And he would be put to the test, to see whether he was +willing to have no secrets from Mme. Verdurin, whether he was susceptible +of being enrolled in the 'little clan.' If he failed to pass, the faithful +one who had introduced him would be taken on one side, and would be +tactfully assisted to quarrel with the friend or mistress. But if the test +proved satisfactory, the newcomer would in turn be numbered among the +'faithful.' And so when, in the course of this same year, the courtesan +told M. Verdurin that she had made the acquaintance of such a charming +gentleman, M. Swann, and hinted that he would very much like to be allowed +to come, M. Verdurin carried the request at once to his wife. He never +formed an opinion on any subject until she had formed hers, his special +duty being to carry out her wishes and those of the 'faithful' generally, +which he did with boundless ingenuity. + +"My dear, Mme. de Crécy has something to say to you. She would like to +bring one of her friends here, a M. Swann. What do you say?" + +"Why, as if anybody could refuse anything to a little piece of perfection +like that. Be quiet; no one asked your opinion. I tell you that you are a +piece of perfection." + +"Just as you like," replied Odette, in an affected tone, and then went on: +"You know I'm not fishing for compliments." + +"Very well; bring your friend, if he's nice." + +Now there was no connection whatsoever between the 'little nucleus' and +the society which Swann frequented, and a purely worldly man would have +thought it hardly worth his while, when occupying so exceptional a +position in the world, to seek an introduction to the Verdurins. But Swann +was so ardent a lover that, once he had got to know almost all the women +of the aristocracy, once they had taught him all that there was to learn, +he had ceased to regard those naturalisation papers, almost a patent of +nobility, which the Faubourg Saint-Germain had bestowed upon him, save as +a sort of negotiable bond, a letter of credit with no intrinsic value, +which allowed him to improvise a status for himself in some little hole in +the country, or in some obscure quarter of Paris, where the good-looking +daughter of a local squire or solicitor had taken his fancy. For at such +times desire, or love itself, would revive in him a feeling of vanity from +which he was now quite free in his everyday life, although it was, no +doubt, the same feeling which had originally prompted him towards that +career as a man of fashion in which he had squandered his intellectual +gifts upon frivolous amusements, and had made use of his erudition in +matters of art only to advise society ladies what pictures to buy and how +to decorate their houses; and this vanity it was which made him eager to +shine, in the sight of any fair unknown who had captivated him for the +moment, with a brilliance which the name of Swann by itself did not emit. +And he was most eager when the fair unknown was in humble circumstances. +Just as it is not by other men of intelligence that an intelligent man is +afraid of being thought a fool, so it is not by the great gentleman but by +boors and 'bounders' that a man of fashion is afraid of finding his social +value underrated. Three-fourths of the mental ingenuity displayed, of the +social falsehoods scattered broadcast ever since the world began by people +whose importance they have served only to diminish, have been aimed at +inferiors. And Swann, who behaved quite simply and was at his ease when +with a duchess, would tremble^ for fear of being despised, and would +instantly begin to pose, were he to meet her grace's maid. + +Unlike so many people, who, either from lack of energy or else from a +resigned sense of the obligation laid upon them by their social grandeur +to remain moored like houseboats to a certain point on the bank of the +stream of life, abstain from the pleasures which are offered to them above +and below that point, that degree in life in which they will remain fixed +until the day of their death, and are content, in the end, to describe as +pleasures, for want of any better, those mediocre distractions, that just +not intolerable tedium which is enclosed there with them; Swann would +endeavour not to find charm and beauty in the women with whom he must pass +time, but to pass his time among women whom he had already found to be +beautiful and charming. And these were, as often as not, women whose +beauty was of a distinctly 'common' type, for the physical qualities which +attracted him instinctively, and without reason, were the direct opposite +of those that he admired in the women painted or sculptured by his +favourite masters. Depth of character, or a melancholy expression on a +woman's face would freeze his senses, which would, however, immediately +melt at the sight of healthy, abundant, rosy human flesh. + +If on his travels he met a family whom it would have been more correct for +him to make no attempt to know, but among whom a woman caught his eye, +adorned with a special charm that was new to him, to remain on his 'high +horse' and to cheat the desire that she had kindled in him, to substitute +a pleasure different from that which he might have tasted in her company +by writing to invite one of his former mistresses to come and join him, +would have seemed to him as cowardly an abdication in the face of life, as +stupid a renunciation of a new form of happiness as if, instead of +visiting the country where he was, he had shut himself up in his own rooms +and looked at 'views' of Paris. He did not immure himself in the solid +structure of his social relations, but had made of them, so as to be able +to set it up afresh upon new foundations wherever a woman might take his +fancy, one of those collapsible tents which explorers carry about with +them. Any part of it which was not portable or could not be adapted to +some fresh pleasure he would discard as valueless, however enviable it +might appear to others. How often had his credit with a duchess, built up +of the yearly accumulation of her desire to do him some favour for which +she had never found an opportunity, been squandered in a moment by his +calling upon her, in an indiscreetly worded message, for a recommendation +by telegraph which would put him in touch at once with one of her agents +whose daughter he had noticed in the country, just as a starving man might +barter a diamond for a crust of bread. Indeed, when it was too late, he +would laugh at himself for it, for there was in his nature, redeemed by +many rare refinements, an element of clownishness. Then he belonged to +that class of intelligent men who have led a life of idleness, and who +seek consolation and, perhaps, an excuse in the idea, which their idleness +offers to their intelligence, of objects as worthy of their interest as +any that could be attained by art or learning, the idea that 'Life' +contains situations more interesting and more romantic than all the +romances ever written. So, at least, he would assure and had no difficulty +in persuading the more subtle among his friends in the fashionable world, +notably the Baron de Charlus, whom he liked to amuse with stories of the +startling adventures that had befallen him, such as when he had met a +woman in the train, and had taken her home with him, before discovering +that she was the sister of a reigning monarch, in whose hands were +gathered, at that moment, all the threads of European politics, of which +he found himself kept informed in the most delightful fashion, or when, in +the complexity of circumstances, it depended upon the choice which the +Conclave was about to make whether he might or might not become the lover +of somebody's cook. + +It was not only the brilliant phalanx of virtuous dowagers, generals and +academicians, to whom he was bound by such close ties, that Swann +compelled with so much cynicism to serve him as panders. All his friends +were accustomed to receive, from time to time, letters which called on +them for a word of recommendation or introduction, with a diplomatic +adroitness which, persisting throughout all his successive 'affairs' and +using different pretexts, revealed more glaringly than the clumsiest +indiscretion, a permanent trait in his character and an unvarying quest. I +used often to recall to myself when, many years later, I began to take an +interest in his character because of the similarities which, in wholly +different respects, it offered to my own, how, when he used to write to my +grandfather (though not at the time we are now considering, for it was +about the date of my own birth that Swann's great 'affair' began, and made +a long interruption in his amatory practices) the latter, recognising his +friend's handwriting on the envelope, would exclaim: "Here is Swann asking +for something; on guard!" And, either from distrust or from the +unconscious spirit of devilry which urges us to offer a thing only to +those who do not want it, my grandparents would meet with an obstinate +refusal the most easily satisfied of his prayers, as when he begged them +for an introduction to a girl who dined with us every Sunday, and whom +they were obliged, whenever Swann mentioned her, to pretend that they no +longer saw, although they would be wondering, all through the week, whom +they could invite to meet her, and often failed, in the end, to find +anyone, sooner than make a sign to him who would so gladly have accepted. + +Occasionally a couple of my grandparents' acquaintance, who had been +complaining for some time that they never saw Swann now, would announce +with satisfaction, and perhaps with a slight inclination to make my +grandparents envious of them, that he had suddenly become as charming as +he could possibly be, and was never out of their house. My grandfather +would not care to shatter their pleasant illusion, but would look at my +grandmother, as he hummed the air of: + + What is this mystery? + I cannot understand it; + +or of: + + Vision fugitive...; + In matters such as this + 'Tis best to close one's eyes. + +A few months later, if my grandfather asked Swann's new friend "What about +Swann? Do you still see as much of him as ever?" the other's face would +lengthen: "Never mention his name to me again!" + +"But I thought that you were such friends..." + +He had been intimate in this way for several months with some cousins of +my grandmother, dining almost every evening at their house. Suddenly, and +without any warning, he ceased to appear. They supposed him to be ill, and +the lady of the house was going to send to inquire for him when, in her +kitchen, she found a letter in his hand, which her cook had left by +accident in the housekeeping book. In this he announced that he was +leaving Paris and would not be able to come to the house again. The cook +had been his mistress, and at the moment of breaking off relations she was +the only one of the household whom he had thought it necessary to inform. + +But when his mistress for the time being was a woman in society, or at +least one whose birth was not so lowly, nor her position so irregular that +he was unable to arrange for her reception in 'society,' then for her sake +he would return to it, but only to the particular orbit in which she moved +or into which he had drawn her. "No good depending on Swann for this +evening," people would say; "don't you remember, it's his American's night +at the Opera?" He would secure invitations for her to the most exclusive +drawing-rooms, to those houses where he himself went regularly, for weekly +dinners or for poker; every evening, after a slight 'wave' imparted to his +stiffly brushed red locks had tempered with a certain softness the ardour +of his bold green eyes, he would select a flower for his buttonhole and +set out to meet his mistress at the house of one or other of the women of +his circle; and then, thinking of the affection and admiration which the +fashionable folk, whom he always treated exactly as he pleased, would, +when he met them there, lavish upon him in the presence of the woman whom +he loved, he would find a fresh charm in that worldly existence of which +he had grown weary, but whose substance, pervaded and warmly coloured by +the flickering light which he had slipped into its midst, seemed to him +beautiful and rare, now that he had incorporated in it a fresh love. + +But while each of these attachments, each of these flirtations had been +the realisation, more or less complete, of a dream born of the sight of a +face or a form which Swann had spontaneously, and without effort on his +part, found charming, it was quite another matter when, one day at the +theatre, he was introduced to Odette de Crécy by an old friend of his own, +who had spoken of her to him as a ravishing creature with whom he might +very possibly come to an understanding; but had made her out to be harder +of conquest than she actually was, so as to appear to be conferring a +special favour by the introduction. She had struck Swann not, certainly, +as being devoid of beauty, but as endowed with a style of beauty which +left him indifferent, which aroused in him no desire, which gave him, +indeed, a sort of physical repulsion; as one of those women of whom every +man can name some, and each will name different examples, who are the +converse of the type which our senses demand. To give him any pleasure her +profile was too sharp, her skin too delicate, her cheek-bones too +prominent, her features too tightly drawn. Her eyes were fine, but so +large that they seemed to be bending beneath their own weight, strained +the rest of her face and always made her appear unwell or in an ill +humour. Some time after this introduction at the theatre she had written +to ask Swann whether she might see his collections, which would interest +her so much, she, "an ignorant woman with a taste for beautiful things," +saying that she would know him better when once she had seen him in his +'home,' where she imagined him to be "so comfortable with his tea and his +books"; although she had not concealed her surprise at his being in that +part of the town, which must be so depressing, and was "not nearly smart +enough for such a very smart man." And when he allowed her to come she had +said to him as she left how sorry she was to have stayed so short a time +in a house into which she was so glad to have found her way at last, +speaking of him as though he had meant something more to her than the rest +of the people she knew, and appearing to unite their two selves with a +kind of romantic bond which had made him smile. But at the time of life, +tinged already with disenchantment, which Swann was approaching, when a +man can content himself with being in love for the pleasure of loving +without expecting too much in return, this linking of hearts, if it is no +longer, as in early youth, the goal towards which love, of necessity, +tends, still is bound to love by so strong an association of ideas that it +may well become the cause of love if it presents itself first. In his +younger days a man dreams of possessing the heart of the woman whom he +loves; later, the feeling that he possesses the heart of a woman may be +enough to make him fall in love with her. And 50, at an age when it would +appear--since one seeks in love before everything else a subjective +pleasure--that the taste for feminine beauty must play the larger part in +its procreation, love may come into being, love of the most physical +order, without any foundation in desire. At this time of life a man has +already been wounded more than once by the darts of love; it no longer +evolves by itself, obeying its own incomprehensible and fatal laws, before +his passive and astonished heart. We come to its aid; we falsify it by +memory and by suggestion; recognising one of its symptoms we recall and +recreate the rest. Since we possess its hymn, engraved on our hearts in +its entirety, there is no need of any woman to repeat the opening lines, +potent with the admiration which her beauty inspires, for us to remember +all that follows. And if she begin in the middle, where it sings of our +existing, henceforward, for one another only, we are well enough attuned +to that music to be able to take it up and follow our partner, without +hesitation, at the first pause in her voice. + +Odette de Crécy came again to see Swann; her visits grew more frequent, +and doubtless each visit revived the sense of disappointment which he felt +at the sight of a face whose details he had somewhat forgotten in the +interval, not remembering it as either so expressive or, in spite of her +youth, so faded; he used to regret, while she was talking to him, that her +really considerable beauty was not of the kind which he spontaneously +admired. It must be remarked that Odette's face appeared thinner and more +prominent than it actually was, because her forehead and the upper part of +her cheeks, a single and almost plane surface, were covered by the masses +of hair which women wore at that period, drawn forward in a fringe, raised +in crimped waves and falling in stray locks over her ears; while as for +her figure, and she was admirably built, it was impossible to make out its +continuity (on account of the fashion then prevailing, and in spite of her +being one of the best-dressed women in Paris) for the corset, jetting +forwards in an arch, as though over an imaginary stomach, and ending in a +sharp point, beneath which bulged out the balloon of her double skirts, +gave a woman, that year, the appearance of being composed of different +sections badly fitted together; to such an extent did the frills, the +flounces, the inner bodice follow, in complete independence, controlled +only by the fancy of their designer or the rigidity of their material, the +line which led them to the knots of ribbon, falls of lace, fringes of +vertically hanging jet, or carried them along the bust, but nowhere +attached themselves to the living creature, who, according as the +architecture of their fripperies drew them towards or away from her own, +found herself either strait-laced to suffocation or else completely +buried. + +But, after Odette had left him, Swann would think with a smile of her +telling him how the time would drag until he allowed her to come again; he +remembered the anxious, timid way in which she had once begged him that it +might not be very long, and the way in which she had looked at him then, +fixing upon him her fearful and imploring gaze, which gave her a touching +air beneath the bunches of artificial pansies fastened in the front of her +round bonnet of white straw, tied with strings of black velvet. "And won't +you," she had ventured, "come just once and take tea with me?" He had +pleaded pressure of work, an essay--which, in reality, he had abandoned +years ago--on Vermeer of Delft. "I know that I am quite useless," she had +replied, "a little wild thing like me beside a learned great man like you. +I should be like the frog in the fable! And yet I should so much like to +learn, to know things, to be initiated. What fun it would be to become a +regular bookworm, to bury my nose in a lot of old papers!" she had gone +on, with that self-satisfied air which a smart woman adopts when she +insists that her one desire is to give herself up, without fear of soiling +her fingers, to some unclean task, such as cooking the dinner, with her +"hands right in the dish itself." "You will only laugh at me, but this +painter who stops you from seeing me," she meant Vermeer, "I have never +even heard of him; is he alive still? Can I see any of his things in +Paris, so as to have some idea of what is going on behind that great brow +which works so hard, that head which I feel sure is always puzzling away +about things; just to be able to say 'There, that's what he's thinking +about!' What a dream it would be to be able to help you with your work." + +He had sought an excuse in his fear of forming new friendships, which he +gallantly described as his fear of a hopeless passion. "You are afraid of +falling in love? How funny that is, when I go about seeking nothing else, +and would give my soul just to find a little love somewhere!" she had said, +so naturally and with such an air of conviction that he had been genuinely +touched. "Some woman must have made you suffer. And you think that the rest +are all like her. She can't have understood you: you are so utterly +different from ordinary men. That's what I liked about you when I first +saw you; I felt at once that you weren't like everybody else." + +"And then, besides, there's yourself----" he had continued, "I know what +women are; you must have a whole heap of things to do, and never any time +to spare." + +"I? Why, I have never anything to do. I am always free, and I always will +be free if you want me. At whatever hour of the day or night it may suit +you to see me, just send for me, and I shall be only too delighted to +come. Will you do that? Do you know what I should really like--to +introduce you to Mme. Verdurin, where I go every evening. Just fancy my +finding you there, and thinking that it was a little for my sake that you +had gone." + +No doubt, in thus remembering their conversations, in thinking about her +thus when he was alone, he did no more than call her image into being +among those of countless other women in his romantic dreams; but if, +thanks to some accidental circumstance (or even perhaps without that +assistance, for the circumstance which presents itself at the moment when +a mental state, hitherto latent, makes itself felt, may well have had no +influence whatsoever upon that state), the image of Odette de Crécy came +to absorb the whole of his dreams, if from those dreams the memory of her +could no longer be eliminated, then her bodily imperfections would no +longer be of the least importance, nor would the conformity of her body, +more or less than any other, to the requirements of Swann's taste; since, +having become the body of her whom he loved, it must henceforth be the +only one capable of causing him joy or anguish. + +It so happened that my grandfather had known--which was more than could be +said of any other actual acquaintance--the family of these Verdurins. +But he had entirely severed his connection with what he called "young +Verdurin," taking a general view of him as one who had fallen--though +without losing hold of his millions--among the riff-raff of Bohemia. One +day he received a letter from Swann asking whether my grandfather could +put him in touch with the Verdurins. "On guard! on guard!" he exclaimed as +he read it, "I am not at all surprised; Swann was bound to finish up like +this. A nice lot of people! I cannot do what he asks, because, in the +first place, I no longer know the gentleman in question. Besides, there +must be a woman in it somewhere, and I don't mix myself up in such +matters. Ah, well, we shall see some fun if Swann begins running after +the little Verdurins." + +And on my grandfather's refusal to act as sponsor, it was Odette herself +who had taken Swann to the house. + +The Verdurins had had dining with them, on the day when Swann made his +first appearance, Dr. and Mme. Cottard, the young pianist and his aunt, +and the painter then in favour, while these were joined, in the course of +the evening, by several more of the 'faithful.' + +Dr. Cottard was never quite certain of the tone in which he ought to reply +to any observation, or whether the speaker was jesting or in earnest. And +so in any event he would embellish all his facial expressions with the +offer of a conditional, a provisional smile whose expectant subtlety would +exonerate him from the charge of being a simpleton, if the remark +addressed to him should turn out to have been facetious. But as he must +also be prepared to face the alternative, he never dared to allow this +smile a definite expression on his features, and you would see there a +perpetually flickering uncertainty, in which you might decipher the +question that he never dared to ask: "Do you really mean that?" He was no +more confident of the manner in which he ought to conduct himself in the +street, or indeed in life generally, than he was in a drawing-room; and he +might be seen greeting passers-by, carriages, and anything that occurred +with a malicious smile which absolved his subsequent behaviour of all +impropriety, since it proved, if it should turn out unsuited to the +occasion, that he was well aware of that, and that if he had assumed a +smile, the jest was a secret of his own. + +On all those points, however, where a plain question appeared to him to be +permissible, the Doctor was unsparing in his endeavours to cultivate the +wilderness of his ignorance and uncertainty and so to complete his +education. + +So it was that, following the advice given him by a wise mother on his +first coming up to the capital from his provincial home, he would never +let pass either a figure of speech or a proper name that was new to him +without an effort to secure the fullest information upon it. + +As regards figures of speech, he was insatiable in his thirst for +knowledge, for often imagining them to have a more definite meaning than +was actually the case, he would want to know what, exactly, was intended +by those which he most frequently heard used: 'devilish pretty,' 'blue +blood,' 'a cat and dog life,' 'a day of reckoning,' 'a queen of +fashion, 'to give a free hand,' 'to be at a deadlock,' and so forth; and +in what particular circumstances he himself might make use of them in +conversation. Failing these, he would adorn it with puns and other 'plays +upon words' which he had learned by rote. As for the names of strangers +which were uttered in his hearing, he used merely to repeat them to +himself in a questioning tone, which, he thought, would suffice to furnish +him with explanations for which he would not ostensibly seek. + +As the critical faculty, on the universal application of which he prided +himself, was, in reality, completely lacking, that refinement of good +breeding which consists in assuring some one whom you are obliging in any +way, without expecting to be believed, that it is really yourself that is +obliged to him, was wasted on Cottard, who took everything that he heard +in its literal sense. However blind she may have been to his faults, Mme. +Verdurin was genuinely annoyed, though she still continued to regard him +as brilliantly clever, when, after she had invited him to see and hear +Sarah Bernhardt from a stage box, and had said politely: "It is very good +of you to have come, Doctor, especially as I'm sure you must often have +heard Sarah Bernhardt; and besides, I'm afraid we're rather too near the +stage," the Doctor, who had come into the box with a smile which waited +before settling upon or vanishing from his face until some one in +authority should enlighten him as to the merits of the spectacle, replied: +"To be sure, we are far too near the stage, and one is getting sick of +Sarah Bernhardt. But you expressed a wish that I should come. For me, your +wish is a command. I am only too glad to be able to do you this little +service. What would one not do to please you, you are so good." And he +went on, "Sarah Bernhardt; that's what they call the Voice of God, ain't +it? You see, often, too, that she 'sets the boards on fire.' That's an odd +expression, ain't it?" in the hope of an enlightening commentary, which, +however, was not forthcoming. + +"D'you know," Mme. Verdurin had said to her husband, "I believe we are +going the wrong way to work when we depreciate anything we offer the +Doctor. He is a scientist who lives quite apart from our everyday +existence; he knows nothing himself of what things are worth, and he +accepts everything that we say as gospel." + +"I never dared to mention it," M. Verdurin had answered, "but I've noticed +the same thing myself." And on the following New Year's Day, instead of +sending Dr. Cottard a ruby that cost three thousand francs, and pretending +that it was a mere trifle, M. Verdurin bought an artificial stone for +three hundred, and let it be understood that it was something almost +impossible to match. + +When Mme. Verdurin had announced that they were to see M. Swann that +evening; "Swann!" the Doctor had exclaimed in a tone rendered brutal by +his astonishment, for the smallest piece of news would always take utterly +unawares this man who imagined himself to be perpetually in readiness for +anything. And seeing that no one answered him, "Swann! Who on earth is +Swann?" he shouted, in a frenzy of anxiety which subsided as soon as Mme. +Verdurin had explained, "Why, Odette's friend, whom she told us about." + +"Ah, good, good; that's all right, then," answered the Doctor, at once +mollified. As for the painter, he was overjoyed at the prospect of Swann's +appearing at the Verdurins', because he supposed him to be in love with +Odette, and was always ready to assist at lovers' meetings. "Nothing +amuses me more than match-making," he confided to Cottard; "I have been +tremendously successful, even with women!" + +In telling the Verdurins that Swann was extremely 'smart,' Odette had +alarmed them with the prospect of another 'bore.' When he arrived, +however, he made an excellent impression, an indirect cause of which, +though they did not know it, was his familiarity with the best society. He +had, indeed, one of those advantages which men who have lived and moved in +the world enjoy over others, even men of intelligence and refinement, who +have never gone into society, namely that they no longer see it +transfigured by the longing or repulsion with which it fills the +imagination, but regard it as quite unimportant. Their good nature, freed +from all taint of snobbishness and from the fear of seeming too friendly, +grown independent, in fact, has the ease, the grace of movement of a +trained gymnast each of whose supple limbs will carry out precisely the +movement that is required without any clumsy participation by the rest of +his body. The simple and elementary gestures used by a man of the world +when he courteously holds out his hand to the unknown youth who is being +introduced to him, and when he bows discreetly before the Ambassador to +whom he is being introduced, had gradually pervaded, without his being +conscious of it, the whole of Swann's social deportment, so that in the +company of people of a lower grade than his own, such as the Verdurins and +their friends, he instinctively shewed an assiduity, and made overtures +with which, by their account, any of their 'bores' would have dispensed. +He chilled, though for a moment only, on meeting Dr. Cottard; for seeing +him close one eye with an ambiguous smile, before they had yet spoken to +one another (a grimace which Cottard styled "letting 'em all come"), Swann +supposed that the Doctor recognised him from having met him already +somewhere, probably in some house of 'ill-fame,' though these he himself +very rarely visited, never having made a habit of indulging in the +mercenary sort of love. Regarding such an allusion as in bad taste, +especially before Odette, whose opinion of himself it might easily alter +for the worse, Swann assumed his most icy manner. But when he learned that +the lady next to the Doctor was Mme. Cottard, he decided that so young a +husband would not deliberately, in his wife's hearing, have made any +allusion to amusements of that order, and so ceased to interpret the +Doctor's expression in the sense which he had at first suspected. The +painter at once invited Swann to visit his studio with Odette, and Swann +found him very pleasant. "Perhaps you will be more highly favoured than I +have been," Mme. Verdurin broke in, with mock resentment of the favour, +"perhaps you will be allowed to see Cottard's portrait" (for which she had +given the painter a commission). "Take care, Master Biche," she reminded +the painter, whom it was a time-honoured pleasantry to address as +'Master,' "to catch that nice look in his eyes, that witty little twinkle. +You know, what I want to have most of all is his smile; that's what I've +asked you to paint--the portrait of his smile." And since the phrase +struck her as noteworthy, she repeated it very loud, so as to make sure +that as many as possible of her guests should hear it, and even made use +of some indefinite pretext to draw the circle closer before she uttered it +again. Swann begged to be introduced to everyone, even to an old friend of +the Verdurins, called Saniette, whose shyness, simplicity and good-nature +had deprived him of all the consideration due to his skill in +palaeography, his large fortune, and the distinguished family to which he +belonged. When he spoke, his words came with a confusion which was +delightful to hear because one felt that it indicated not so much a defect +in his speech as a quality of his soul, as it were a survival from the age +of innocence which he had never wholly outgrown. All the cop-sonants which +he did not manage to pronounce seemed like harsh utterances of which his +gentle lips were incapable. By asking to be made known to M. Saniette, +Swann made M. Verdurin reverse the usual form of introduction (saying, in +fact, with emphasis on the distinction: "M. Swann, pray let me present to +you our friend Saniette") but he aroused in Saniette himself a warmth of +gratitude, which, however, the Verdurins never disclosed to Swann, since +Saniette rather annoyed them, and they did not feel bound to provide him +with friends. On the other hand the Verdurins were extremely touched by +Swann's next request, for he felt that he must ask to be introduced to the +pianist's aunt. She wore a black dress, as was her invariable custom, for +she believed that a woman always looked well in black, and that nothing +could be more distinguished; but her face was exceedingly red, as it +always was for some time after a meal. She bowed to Swann with deference, +but drew herself up again with great dignity. As she was entirely +uneducated, and was afraid of making mistakes in grammar and +pronunciation, she used purposely to speak in an indistinct and garbling +manner, thinking that if she should make a slip it would be so buried in +the surrounding confusion that no one could be certain whether she had +actually made it or not; with the result that her talk was a sort of +continuous, blurred expectoration, out of which would emerge, at rare +intervals, those sounds and syllables of which she felt positive. Swann +supposed himself entitled to poke a little mild fun at her in conversation +with M. Verdurin, who, however, was not at all amused. + +"She is such an excellent woman!" he rejoined. "I grant you that she is +not exactly brilliant; but I assure you that she can talk most charmingly +when you are alone with her." + +"I am sure she can," Swann hastened to conciliate him. "All I meant was +that she hardly struck me as 'distinguished,'" he went on, isolating the +epithet in the inverted commas of his tone, "and, after all, that is +something of a compliment." + +"Wait a moment," said M. Verdurin, "now, this will surprise you; she +writes quite delightfully. You have never heard her nephew play? It is +admirable; eh, Doctor? Would you like me to ask him to play something, M. +Swann?" + +"I should count myself most fortunate..." Swann was beginning, a trifle +pompously, when the Doctor broke in derisively. Having once heard it said, +and never having forgotten that in general conversation emphasis and the +use of formal expressions were out of date, whenever he heard a solemn +word used seriously, as the word 'fortunate' had been used just now by +Swann, he at once assumed that the speaker was being deliberately +pedantic. And if, moreover, the same word happened to occur, also, in what +he called an old 'tag' or 'saw,' however common it might still be in +current usage, the Doctor jumped to the conclusion that the whole thing +was a joke, and interrupted with the remaining words of the quotation, +which he seemed to charge the speaker with having intended to introduce at +that point, although in reality it had never entered his mind. + +"Most fortunate for France!" he recited wickedly, shooting up both arms +with great vigour. M. Verdurin could not help laughing. + +"What are all those good people laughing at over there? There's no sign of +brooding melancholy down in your corner," shouted Mme. Verdurin. "You +don't suppose I find it very amusing to be stuck up here by myself on the +stool of repentance," she went on peevishly, like a spoiled child. + +Mme. Verdurin was sitting upon a high Swedish chair of waxed pine-wood, +which a violinist from that country had given her, and which she kept in +her drawing-room, although in appearance it suggested a school 'form,' and +'swore,' as the saying is, at the really good antique furniture which she +had besides; but she made a point of keeping on view the presents which +her 'faithful' were in the habit of making her from time to time, so that +the donors might have the pleasure of seeing them there when they came to +the house. She tried to persuade them to confine their tributes to flowers +and sweets, which had at least the merit of mortality; but she was never +successful, and the house was gradually filled with a collection of +foot-warmers, cushions, clocks, screens, barometers and vases, a constant +repetition and a boundless incongruity of useless but indestructible +objects. + +From this lofty perch she would take her spirited part in the conversation +of the 'faithful,' and would revel in all their fun; but, since the +accident to her jaw, she had abandoned the effort involved in real +hilarity, and had substituted a kind of symbolical dumb-show which +signified, without endangering or even fatiguing her in any way, that she +was 'laughing until she cried.' At the least witticism aimed by any of the +circle against a 'bore,' or against a former member of the circle who was +now relegated to the limbo of 'bores'--and to the utter despair of M. +Verdurin, who had always made out that he was just as easily amused as his +wife, but who, since his laughter was the 'real thing,' was out of breath +in a moment, and so was overtaken and vanquished by her device of a +feigned but continuous hilarity--she would utter a shrill cry, shut tight +her little bird-like eyes, which were beginning to be clouded over by a +cataract, and quickly, as though she had only just time to avoid some +indecent sight or to parry a mortal blow, burying her face in her hands, +which completely engulfed it, and prevented her from seeing anything at +all, she would appear to be struggling to suppress, to eradicate a laugh +which, were she to give way to it, must inevitably leave her inanimate. +So, stupefied with the gaiety of the 'faithful,' drunken with comradeship, +scandal and asseveration, Mme. Verdurin, perched on her high seat like a +cage-bird whose biscuit has been steeped in mulled wine, would sit aloft +and sob with fellow-feeling. + +Meanwhile M. Verdurin, after first asking Swann's permission to light his +pipe ("No ceremony here, you understand; we're all pals!"), went and +begged the young musician to sit down at the piano. + +"Leave him alone; don't bother him; he hasn't come here to be tormented," +cried Mme. Verdurin. "I won't have him tormented." + +"But why on earth should it bother him?" rejoined M. Verdurin. "I'm sure +M. Swann has never heard the sonata in F sharp which we discovered; he is +going to play us the pianoforte arrangement." + +"No, no, no, not my sonata!" she screamed, "I don't want to be made to cry +until I get a cold in the head, and neuralgia all down my face, like last +time; thanks very much, I don't intend to repeat that performance; you are +all very kind and considerate; it is easy to see that none of you will +have to stay in bed, for a week." + +This little scene, which was re-enacted as often as the young pianist sat +down to play, never failed to delight the audience, as though each of them +were witnessing it for the first time, as a proof of the seductive +originality of the 'Mistress' as she was styled, and of the acute +sensitiveness of her musical 'ear.' Those nearest to her would attract the +attention of the rest, who were smoking or playing cards at the other end +of the room, by their cries of 'Hear, hear!' which, as in Parliamentary +debates, shewed that something worth listening to was being said. And next +day they would commiserate with those who had been prevented from coming +that evening, and would assure them that the 'little scene' had never been +so amusingly done. + +"Well, all right, then," said M. Verdurin, "he can play just the andante." + +"Just the _andante_! How you do go on," cried his wife. "As if it weren't +'just the _andante_' that breaks every bone in my body. The 'Master' is +really too priceless! Just as though, 'in the Ninth,' he said 'we need +only have the _finale_,' or 'just the overture' of the _Meistersinger_." + +The Doctor, however, urged Mme. Verdurin to let the pianist play, not +because he supposed her to be malingering when she spoke of the +distressing effects that music always had upon her, for he recognised the +existence of certain neurasthenic states--but from his habit, common to +many doctors, of at once relaxing the strict letter of a prescription as +soon as it appeared to jeopardise, what seemed to him far more important, +the success of some social gathering at which he was present, and of which +the patient whom he had urged for once to forget her dyspepsia or headache +formed an essential factor. + +"You won't be ill this time, you'll find," he told her, seeking at the +same time to subdue her mind by the magnetism of his gaze. "And, if you +are ill, we will cure you." + +"Will you, really?" Mme. Verdurin spoke as though, with so great a favour +in store for her, there was nothing for it but to capitulate. Perhaps, +too, by dint of saying that she was going to be ill, she had worked +herself into a state in which she forgot, occasionally, that it was all +only a 'little scene,' and regarded things, quite sincerely, from an +invalid's point of view. For it may often be remarked that invalids grow +weary of having the frequency of their attacks depend always on their own +prudence in avoiding them, and like to let themselves think that they are +free to do everything that they most enjoy doing, although they are always +ill after doing it, provided only that they place themselves in the hands +of a higher authority which, without putting them to the least +inconvenience, can and will, by uttering a word or by administering a +tabloid, set them once again upon their feet. + +Odette had gone to sit on a tapestry-covered sofa near the piano, saying +to Mme. Verdurin, "I have my own little corner, haven't I?" + +And Mme. Verdurin, seeing Swann by himself upon a chair, made him get up. +"You're not at all comfortable there; go along and sit by Odette; you can +make room for M. Swann there, can't you, Odette?" + +"What charming Beauvais!" said Swann, stopping to admire the sofa before +he sat down on it, and wishing to be polite. + +"I am glad you appreciate my sofa," replied Mme. Verdurin, "and I warn you +that if you expect ever to see another like it you may as well abandon the +idea at once. They never made any more like it. And these little chairs, +too, are perfect marvels. You can look at them in a moment. The emblems +in each of the bronze mouldings correspond to the subject of the tapestry +on the chair; you know, you combine amusement with instruction when you +look at them;--I can promise you a delightful time, I assure you. Just +look at the little border around the edges; here, look, the little vine on +a red background in this one, the Bear and the Grapes. Isn't it well +drawn? What do you say? I think they knew a thing or two about design! +Doesn't it make your mouth water, this vine? My husband makes out that I +am not fond of fruit, because I eat less than he does. But not a bit of +it, I am greedier than any of you, but I have no need to fill my mouth +with them when I can feed on them with my eyes. What are you all laughing +at now, pray? Ask the Doctor; he will tell you that those grapes act on me +like a regular purge. Some people go to Fontainebleau for cures; I take my +own little Beauvais cure here. But, M. Swann, you mustn't run away without +feeling the little bronze mouldings on the backs. Isn't it an exquisite +surface? No, no, not with your whole hand like that; feel them property!" + +"If Mme. Verdurin is going to start playing about with her bronzes," said +the painter, "we shan't get any music to-night." + +"Be quiet, you wretch! And yet we poor women," she went on, "are forbidden +pleasures far less voluptuous than this. There is no flesh in the world as +soft as these. None. When M. Verdurin did me the honour of being madly +jealous... come, you might at least be polite. Don't say that you never +have been jealous!" + +"But, my dear, I have said absolutely nothing. Look here, Doctor, I call +you as a witness; did I utter a word?" + +Swann had begun, out of politeness, to finger the bronzes, and did not +like to stop. + +"Come along; you can caress them later; now it is you that are going to be +caressed, caressed in the ear; you'll like that, I think. Here's the young +gentleman who will take charge of that." + +After the pianist had played, Swann felt and shewed more interest in him +than in any of the other guests, for the following reason: + +The year before, at an evening party, he had heard a piece of music played +on the piano and violin. At first he had appreciated only the material +quality of the sounds which those instruments secreted. And it had been a +source of keen pleasure when, below the narrow ribbon of the violin-part, +delicate, unyielding, substantial and governing the whole, he had suddenly +perceived, where it was trying to surge upwards in a flowing tide of +sound, the mass of the piano-part, multiform, coherent, level, and +breaking everywhere in melody like the deep blue tumult of the sea, +silvered and charmed into a minor key by the moonlight. But at a given +moment, without being able to distinguish any clear outline, or to give a +name to what was pleasing him, suddenly enraptured, he had tried to +collect, to treasure in his memory the phrase or harmony--he knew not +which--that had just been played, and had opened and expanded his soul, +just as the fragrance of certain roses, wafted upon the moist air of +evening, has the power of dilating our nostrils. Perhaps it was owing to +his own ignorance of music that he had been able to receive so confused an +impression, one of those that are, notwithstanding, our only purely +musical impressions, limited in their extent, entirely original, and +irreducible into any other kind. An impression of this order, vanishing in +an instant, is, so to speak, an impression _sine materia_. Presumably the +notes which we hear at such moments tend to spread out before our eyes, +over surfaces greater or smaller according to their pitch and volume; to +trace arabesque designs, to give us the sensation of breath or tenuity, +stability or caprice. But the notes themselves have vanished before these +sensations have developed sufficiently to escape submersion under those +which the following, or even simultaneous notes have already begun to +awaken in us. And this indefinite perception would continue to smother in +its molten liquidity the _motifs_ which now and then emerge, barely +discernible, to plunge again and disappear and drown; recognised only by +the particular kind of pleasure which they instil, impossible to describe, +to recollect, to name; ineffable;--if our memory, like a labourer who +toils at the laying down of firm foundations beneath the tumult of the +waves, did not, by fashioning for us facsimiles of those fugitive phrases, +enable us to compare and to contrast them with those that follow. And so, +hardly had the delicious sensation, which Swann had experienced, died +away, before his memory had furnished him with an immediate transcript, +summary, it is true, and provisional, but one on which he had kept his +eyes fixed while the playing continued, so effectively that, when the same +impression suddenly returned, it was no longer uncapturable. He was able +to picture to himself its extent, its symmetrical arrangement, its +notation, the strength of its expression; he had before him that definite +object which was no longer pure music, but rather design, architecture, +thought, and which allowed the actual music to be recalled. This time he +had distinguished, quite clearly, a phrase which emerged for a few moments +from the waves of sound. It had at once held out to him an invitation to +partake of intimate pleasures, of whose existence, before hearing it, he +had never dreamed, into which he felt that nothing but this phrase could +initiate him; and he had been filled with love for it, as with a new and +strange desire. + +With a slow and rhythmical movement it led him here, there, everywhere, +towards a state of happiness noble, unintelligible, yet clearly indicated. +And then, suddenly having reached a certain point from which he was +prepared to follow it, after pausing for a moment, abruptly it changed its +direction, and in a fresh movement, more rapid, multiform, melancholy, +incessant, sweet, it bore him off with it towards a vista of joys +unknown. Then it vanished. He hoped, with a passionate longing, that he +might find it again, a third time. And reappear it did, though without +speaking to him more clearly, bringing him, indeed, a pleasure less +profound. But when he was once more at home he needed it, he was like a +man into whose life a woman, whom he has seen for a moment passing by, has +brought a new form of beauty, which strengthens and enlarges his own power +of perception, without his knowing even whether he is ever to see her +again whom he loves already, although he knows nothing of her, not even +her name. + +Indeed this passion for a phrase of music seemed, in the first few months, +to be bringing into Swann's life the possibility of a sort of rejuvenation. +He had so long since ceased to direct his course towards any +ideal goal, and had confined himself to the pursuit of ephemeral +satisfactions, that he had come to believe, though without ever formally +stating his belief even to himself, that he would remain all his life in +that condition, which death alone could alter. More than this, since his +mind no longer entertained any lofty ideals, he had ceased to believe in +(although he could not have expressly denied) their reality. He had grown +also into the habit of taking refuge in trivial considerations, which +allowed him to set on one side matters of fundamental importance. Just as +he had never stopped to ask himself whether he would not have done better +by not going into society, knowing very well that if he had accepted an +invitation he must put in an appearance, and that afterwards, if he did +not actually call, he must at least leave cards upon his hostess; so in +his conversation he took care never to express with any warmth a personal +opinion about a thing, but instead would supply facts and details which +had a value of a sort in themselves, and excused him from shewing how much +he really knew. He would be extremely precise about the recipe for a dish, +the dates of a painter's birth and death, and the titles of his works. +Sometimes, in spite of himself, he would let himself go so far as to utter +a criticism of a work of art, or of some one's interpretation of life, but +then he would cloak his words in a tone of irony, as though he did not +altogether associate himself with what he was saying. But now, like a +confirmed invalid whom, all of a sudden, a change of air and surroundings, +or a new course of treatment, or, as sometimes happens, an organic change +in himself, spontaneous and unaccountable, seems to have so far recovered +from his malady that he begins to envisage the possibility, hitherto +beyond all hope, of starting to lead--and better late than never--a wholly +different life, Swann found in himself, in the memory of the phrase that +he had heard, in certain other sonatas which he had made people play over +to him, to see whether he might not, perhaps, discover his phrase among +them, the presence of one of those invisible realities in which he had +ceased to believe, but to which, as though the music had had upon the +moral barrenness from which he was suffering a sort of recreative +influence, he was conscious once again of a desire, almost, indeed, of the +power to consecrate his life. But, never having managed to find out whose +work it was that he had heard played that evening, he had been unable to +procure a copy, and finally had forgotten the quest. He had indeed, in the +course of the next few days, encountered several of the people who had +been at the party with him, and had questioned them; but most of them had +either arrived after or left before the piece was played; some had indeed +been in the house, but had gone into another room to talk, and those who +had stayed to listen had no clearer impression than the rest. As for his +hosts, they knew that it was a recently published work which the musicians +whom they had engaged for the evening had asked to be allowed to play; +but, as these last were now on tour somewhere, Swann could learn nothing +further. He had, of course, a number of musical friends, but, vividly as +he could recall the exquisite and inexpressible pleasure which the little +phrase had given him, and could see, still, before his eyes the forms that +it had traced in outline, he was quite incapable of humming over to them +the air. And so, at last, he ceased to think of it. + +But to-night, at Mme. Verdurin's, scarcely had the little pianist begun to +play when, suddenly, after a high note held on through two whole bars, +Swann saw it approaching, stealing forth from underneath that resonance, +which was prolonged and stretched out over it, like a curtain of sound, to +veil the mystery of its birth--and recognised, secret, whispering, +articulate, the airy and fragrant phrase that he had loved. And it was so +peculiarly itself, it had so personal a charm, which nothing else could +have replaced, that Swann felt as though he had met, in a friend's +drawing-room, a woman whom he had seen and admired, once, in the street, +and had despaired of ever seeing her again. Finally the phrase withdrew +and vanished, pointing, directing, diligent among the wandering currents +of its fragrance, leaving upon Swann's features a reflection of its smile. +But now, at last, he could ask the name of his fair unknown (and was told +that it was the _andante_ movement of Vinteuil's sonata for the piano and +violin), he held it safe, could have it again to himself, at home, as +often as he would, could study its language and acquire its secret. + +And so, when the pianist had finished, Swann crossed the room and thanked +him with a vivacity which delighted Mme. Verdurin. + +"Isn't he charming?" she asked Swann, "doesn't he just understand it, his +sonata, the little wretch? You never dreamed, did you, that a piano could +be made to express all that? Upon my word, there's everything in it except +the piano! I'm caught out every time I hear it; I think I'm listening to +an orchestra. Though it's better, really, than an orchestra, more +complete." + +The young pianist bent over her as he answered, smiling and underlining +each of his words as though he were making an epigram: "You are most +generous to me." + +And while Mme. Verdurin was saying to her husband, "Run and fetch him a +glass of orangeade; it's well earned!" Swann began to tell Odette how he +had fallen in love with that little phrase. When their hostess, who was a +little way off, called out, "Well! It looks to me as though some one was +saying nice things to you, Odette!" she replied, "Yes, very nice," and he +found her simplicity delightful. Then he asked for some information about +this Vinteuil; what else he had done, and at what period in his life he +had composed the sonata;--what meaning the little phrase could have had +for him, that was what Swann wanted most to know. + +But none of these people who professed to admire this musician (when Swann +had said that the sonata was really charming Mme. Verdurin had exclaimed, +"I quite believe it! Charming, indeed! But you don't dare to confess that +you don't know Vinteuil's sonata; you have no right not to know it!"--and +the painter had gone on with, "Ah, yes, it's a very fine bit of work, +isn't it? Not, of course, if you want something 'obvious,' something +'popular,' but, I mean to say, it makes a very great impression on us +artists."), none of them seemed ever to have asked himself these +questions, for none of them was able to reply. + +Even to one or two particular remarks made by Swann on his favourite +phrase, "D'you know, that's a funny thing; I had never noticed it; I may +as well tell you that I don't much care about peering at things through a +microscope, and pricking myself on pin-points of difference; no; we don't +waste time splitting hairs in this house; why not? well, it's not a habit +of ours, that's all," Mme. Verdurin replied, while Dr. Cottard gazed at +her with open-mouthed admiration, and yearned to be able to follow her as +she skipped lightly from one stepping-stone to another of her stock of +ready-made phrases. Both he, however, and Mme. Cottard, with a kind of +common sense which is shared by many people of humble origin, would always +take care not to express an opinion, or to pretend to admire a piece of +music which they would confess to each other, once they were safely at +home, that they no more understood than they could understand the art of +'Master' Biche. Inasmuch as the public cannot recognise the charm, the +beauty, even the outlines of nature save in the stereotyped impressions of +an art which they have gradually assimilated, while an original artist +starts by rejecting those impressions, so M. and Mme. Cottard, typical, +in this respect, of the public, were incapable of finding, either in +Vinteuil's sonata or in Biche's portraits, what constituted harmony, for +them, in music or beauty in painting. It appeared to them, when the +pianist played his sonata, as though he were striking haphazard from the +piano a medley of notes which bore no relation to the musical forms to +which they themselves were accustomed, and that the painter simply flung +the colours haphazard upon his canvas. When, on one of these, they were +able to distinguish a human form, they always found it coarsened and +vulgarised (that is to say lacking all the elegance of the school of +painting through whose spectacles they themselves were in the habit of +seeing the people--real, living people, who passed them in the streets) +and devoid of truth, as though M. Biche had not known how the human +shoulder was constructed, or that a woman's hair was not, ordinarily, +purple. + +And yet, when the 'faithful' were scattered out of earshot, the Doctor +felt that the opportunity was too good to be missed, and so (while Mme. +Verdurin was adding a final word of commendation of Vinteuil's sonata) +like a would-be swimmer who jumps into the water, so as to learn, but +chooses a moment when there are not too many people looking on: "Yes, +indeed; he's what they call a musician _di primo cartello_!" he exclaimed, +with a sudden determination. + +Swann discovered no more than that the recent publication of Vinteuil's +sonata had caused a great stir among the most advanced school of +musicians, but that it was still unknown to the general public. + +"I know some one, quite well, called Vinteuil," said Swann, thinking of +the old music-master at Combray who had taught my grandmother's sisters. + +"Perhaps that's the man!" cried Mme. Verdurin. + +"Oh, no!" Swann burst out laughing. "If you had ever seen him for a moment +you wouldn't put the question." + +"Then to put the question is to solve the problem?" the Doctor suggested. + +"But it may well be some relative," Swann went on. "That would be bad +enough; but, after all, there is no reason why a genius shouldn't have a +cousin who is a silly old fool. And if that should be so, I swear there's +no known or unknown form of torture I wouldn't undergo to get the old fool +to introduce me to the man who composed the sonata; starting with the +torture of the old fool's company, which would be ghastly." + +The painter understood that Vinteuil was seriously ill at the moment, and +that Dr. Potain despaired of his life. + +"What!" cried Mme. Verdurin, "Do people still call in Potain?" + +"Ah! Mme. Verdurin," Cottard simpered, "you forget that you are speaking +of one of my colleagues--I should say, one of my masters." + +The painter had heard, somewhere, that Vinteuil was threatened with +the loss of his reason. And he insisted that signs of this could be +detected in certain passages in the sonata. This remark did not strike +Swann as ridiculous; rather, it puzzled him. For, since a purely musical +work contains none of those logical sequences, the interruption or +confusion of which, in spoken or written language, is a proof of insanity, +so insanity diagnosed in a sonata seemed to him as mysterious a thing as +the insanity of a dog or a horse, although instances may be observed of +these. + +"Don't speak to me about 'your masters'; you know ten times as much as he +does!" Mme. Verdurin answered Dr. Cottard, in the tone of a woman who has +the courage of her convictions, and is quite ready to stand up to anyone +who disagrees with her. "Anyhow, you don't kill your patients!" + +"But, Madame, he is in the Academy." The Doctor smiled with bitter irony. +"If a sick person prefers to die at the hands of one of the Princes of +Science... It is far more smart to be able to say, 'Yes, I have Potain.'" + +"Oh, indeed! More smart, is it?" said Mme. Verdurin. "So there are +fashions, nowadays, in illness, are there? I didn't know that.... Oh, you +do make me laugh!" she screamed, suddenly, burying her face in her hands. +"And here was I, poor thing, talking quite seriously, and never seeing +that you were pulling my leg." + +As for M. Verdurin, finding it rather a strain to start laughing again +over so small a matter, he was content with puffing out a cloud of smoke +from his pipe, while he reflected sadly that he could never again hope to +keep pace with his wife in her Atalanta-flights across the field of mirth. + +"D'you know; we like your friend so very much," said Mme. Verdurin, later, +when Odette was bidding her good night. "He is so unaffected, quite +charming. If they're all like that, the friends you want to bring here, by +all means bring them." + +M. Verdurin remarked that Swann had failed, all the same, to appreciate +the pianist's aunt. + +"I dare say he felt a little strange, poor man," suggested Mme. Verdurin. +"You can't expect him to catch the tone of the house the first time he +comes; like Cottard, who has been one of our little 'clan' now for years. +The first time doesn't count; it's just for looking round and finding out +things. Odette, he understands all right, he's to join us to-morrow at the +Châtelet. Perhaps you might call for him and bring him." "No, he doesn't +want that." + +"Oh, very well; just as you like. Provided he doesn't fail us at the last +moment." + +Greatly to Mme. Verdurin's surprise, he never failed them. He would go to +meet them, no matter where, at restaurants outside Paris (not that they +went there much at first, for the season had not yet begun), and more +frequently at the play, in which Mme. Verdurin delighted. One evening, +when they were dining at home, he heard her complain that she had not one +of those permits which would save her the trouble of waiting at doors and +standing in crowds, and say how useful it would be to them at +first-nights, and gala performances at the Opera, and what a nuisance it +had been, not having one, on the day of Gambetta's funeral. Swann never +spoke of his distinguished friends, but only of such as might be regarded +as detrimental, whom, therefore, he thought it snobbish, and in not very +good taste to conceal; while he frequented the Faubourg Saint-Germain he +had come to include, in the latter class, all his friends in the official +world of the Third Republic, and so broke in, without thinking: "I'll see +to that, all right. You shall have it in time for the _Danicheff_ revival. +I shall be lunching with the Prefect of Police to-morrow, as it happens, +at the Elysée." + +"What's that? The Elysée?" Dr. Cottard roared in a voice of thunder. + +"Yes, at M. Grévy's," replied Swann, feeling a little awkward at the +effect which his announcement had produced. + +"Are you often taken like that?" the painter asked Cottard, with +mock-seriousness. + +As a rule, once an explanation had been given, Cottard would say: "Ah, +good, good; that's all right, then," after which he would shew not the +least trace of emotion. But this time Swann's last words, instead of the +usual calming effect, had that of heating, instantly, to boiling-point his +astonishment at the discovery that a man with whom he himself was actually +sitting at table, a man who had no official position, no honours or +distinction of any sort, was on visiting terms with the Head of the State. + +"What's that you say? M. Grévy? Do you know M. Grévy?" he demanded of +Swann, in the stupid and incredulous tone of a constable on duty at the +palace, when a stranger has come up and asked to see the President of the +Republic; until, guessing from his words and manner what, as the +newspapers say, 'it is a case of,' he assures the poor lunatic that he +will be admitted at once, and points the way to the reception ward of the +police infirmary. + +"I know him slightly; we have some friends in common" (Swann dared not add +that one of these friends was the Prince of Wales). "Anyhow, he is very +free with his invitations, and, I assure you, his luncheon-parties are not +the least bit amusing; they're very simple affairs, too, you know; never +more than eight at table," he went on, trying desperately to cut out +everything that seemed to shew off his relations with the President in a +light too dazzling for the Doctor's eyes. + +Whereupon Cottard, at once conforming in his mind to the literal +interpretation of what Swann was saying, decided that invitations from M. +Grévy were very little sought after, were sent out, in fact, into the +highways and hedge-rows. And from that moment he never seemed at all +surprised to hear that Swann, or anyone else, was 'always at the Elysée'; +he even felt a little sorry for a man who had to go to luncheon-parties +which, he himself admitted, were a bore. + +"Ah, good, good; that's quite all right then," he said, in the tone of a +customs official who has been suspicious up to now, but, after hearing +your explanations, stamps your passport and lets you proceed on your +journey without troubling to examine your luggage. + +"I can well believe you don't find them amusing, those parties; indeed, +it's very good of you to go to them!" said Mme. Verdurin, who regarded the +President of the Republic only as a 'bore' to be especially dreaded, since +he had at his disposal means of seduction, and even of compulsion, which, +if employed to captivate her 'faithful,' might easily make them 'fail.' +"It seems, he's as deaf as a post; and eats with his fingers." + +"Upon my word! Then it can't be much fun for you, going there." A note of +pity sounded in the Doctor's voice; and then struck by the number--only +eight at table--"Are these luncheons what you would describe as +'intimate'?" he inquired briskly, not so much out of idle curiosity as in +his linguistic zeal. + +But so great and glorious a figure was the President of the French +Republic in the eyes of Dr. Cottard that neither the modesty of Swann nor +the spite of Mme. Verdurin could ever wholly efface that first impression, +and he never sat down to dinner with the Verdurins without asking +anxiously, "D'you think we shall see M. Swann here this evening? He is a +personal friend of M. Grévy's. I suppose that means he's what you'd call a +'gentleman'?" He even went to the length of offering Swann a card of +invitation to the Dental Exhibition. + +"This will let you in, and anyone you take with you," he explained, "but +dogs are not admitted. I'm just warning you, you understand, because some +friends of mine went there once, who hadn't been told, and there was the +devil to pay." + +As for M. Verdurin, he did not fail to observe the distressing effect upon +his wife of the discovery that Swann had influential friends of whom he +had never spoken. + +If no arrangement had been made to 'go anywhere,' it was at the Verdurins' +that Swann would find the 'little nucleus' assembled, but he never +appeared there except in the evenings, and would hardly ever accept their +invitations to dinner, in spite of Odette's entreaties. + +"I could dine with you alone somewhere, if you'd rather," she suggested. + +"But what about Mme. Verdurin?" + +"Oh, that's quite simple. I need only say that my dress wasn't ready, or +that my cab came late. There is always some excuse." + +"How charming of you." + +But Swann said to himself that, if he could make Odette feel (by +consenting to meet her only after dinner) that there were other pleasures +which he preferred to that of her company, then the desire that she felt +for his would be all the longer in reaching the point of satiety. Besides, +as he infinitely preferred to Odette's style of beauty that of a little +working girl, as fresh and plump as a rose, with whom he happened to be +simultaneously in love, he preferred to spend the first part of the +evening with her, knowing that he was sure to see Odette later on. For the +same reason, he would never allow Odette to call for him at his house, to +take him on to the Verdurins'. The little girl used to wait, not far from +his door, at a street corner; Rémi, his coachman, knew where to stop; she +would jump in beside him, and hold him in her arms until the carriage drew +up at the Verdurins'. He would enter the drawing-room; and there, while +Mme. Verdurin, pointing to the roses which he had sent her that morning, +said: "I am furious with you!" and sent him to the place kept for him, by +the side of Odette, the pianist would play to them--for their two selves, +and for no one else--that little phrase by Vinteuil which was, so to +speak, the national anthem of their love. He began, always, with a +sustained tremolo from the violin part, which, for several bars, was +unaccompanied, and filled all the foreground; until suddenly it seemed to +be drawn aside, and--just as in those interiors by Pieter de Hooch, where +the subject is set back a long way through the narrow framework of a +half-opened door--infinitely remote, in colour quite different, velvety +with the radiance of some intervening light, the little phrase appeared, +dancing, pastoral, interpolated, episodic, belonging to another world. It +passed, with simple and immortal movements, scattering on every side the +bounties of its grace, smiling ineffably still; but Swann thought that he +could now discern in it some disenchantment. It seemed to be aware how +vain, how hollow was the happiness to which it shewed the way. In its airy +grace there was, indeed, something definitely achieved, and complete in +itself, like the mood of philosophic detachment which follows an outburst +of vain regret. But little did that matter to him; he looked upon the +sonata less in its own light--as what it might express, had, in fact, +expressed to a certain musician, ignorant that any Swann or Odette, +anywhere in the world, existed, when he composed it, and would express to +all those who should hear it played in centuries to come--than as a +pledge, a token of his love, which made even the Verdurins and their +little pianist think of Odette and, at the same time, of himself--which +bound her to him by a lasting tie; and at that point he had (whimsically +entreated by Odette) abandoned the idea of getting some 'professional' to +play over to him the whole sonata, of which he still knew no more than +this one passage. "Why do you want the rest?" she had asked him. "Our +little bit; that's all we need." He went farther; agonised by the +reflection, at the moment when it passed by him, so near and yet so +infinitely remote, that, while it was addressed to their ears, it knew +them not, he would regret, almost, that it had a meaning of its own, an +intrinsic and unalterable beauty, foreign to themselves, just as in the +jewels given to us, or even in the letters written to us by a woman with +whom we are in love, we find fault with the 'water' of a stone, or with +the words of a sentence because they are not fashioned exclusively from +the spirit of a fleeting intimacy and of a 'lass unparalleled.' + +It would happen, as often as not, that he had stayed so long outside, with +his little girl, before going to the Verdurins' that, as soon as the +little phrase had been rendered by the pianist, Swann would discover that +it was almost time for Odette to go home. He used to take her back as far +as the door of her little house in the Rue La Pérouse, behind the Arc de +Triomphe. And it was perhaps on this account, and so as not to demand the +monopoly of her favours, that he sacrificed the pleasure (not so essential +to his well-being) of seeing her earlier in the evening, of arriving with +her at the Verdurins', to the exercise of this other privilege, for which +she was grateful, of their leaving together; a privilege which he valued +all the more because, thanks to it, he had the feeling that no one else +would see her, no one would thrust himself between them, no one could +prevent him from remaining with her in spirit, after he had left her for +the night. + +And so, night after night, she would be taken home in Swann's carriage; +and one night, after she had got down, and while he stood at the gate and +murmured "Till to-morrow, then!" she turned impulsively from him, plucked +a last lingering chrysanthemum in the tiny garden which flanked the +pathway from the street to her house, and as he went back to his carriage +thrust it into his hand. He held it pressed to his lips during the drive +home, and when, in due course, the flower withered, locked it away, like +something very precious, in a secret drawer of his desk. + +He would escort her to her gate, but no farther. Twice only had he gone +inside to take part in the ceremony--of such vital importance in her life +--of 'afternoon tea.' The loneliness and emptiness of those short streets +(consisting, almost entirely, of low-roofed houses, self-contained but not +detached, their monotony interrupted here and there by the dark intrusion +of some sinister little shop, at once an historical document and a sordid +survival from the days when the district was still one of ill repute), the +snow which had lain on the garden-beds or clung to the branches of the +trees, the careless disarray of the season, the assertion, in this +man-made city, of a state of nature, had all combined to add an element of +mystery to the warmth, the flowers, the luxury which he had found inside. + +Passing by (on his left-hand side, and on what, although raised some way +above the street, was the ground floor of the house) Odette's bedroom, +which looked out to the back over another little street running parallel +with her own, he had climbed a staircase that went straight up between +dark painted walls, from which hung Oriental draperies, strings of Turkish +beads, and a huge Japanese lantern, suspended by a silken cord from the +ceiling (which last, however, so that her visitors should not have to +complain of the want of any of the latest comforts of Western +civilisation, was lighted by a gas-jet inside), to the two drawing-rooms, +large and small. These were entered through a narrow lobby, the wall of +which, chequered with the lozenges of a wooden trellis such as you see on +garden walls, only gilded, was lined from end to end by a long rectangular +box in which bloomed, as though in a hothouse, a row of large +chrysanthemums, at that time still uncommon, though by no means so large +as the mammoth blossoms which horticulturists have since succeeded in +making grow. Swann was irritated, as a rule, by the sight of these +flowers, which had then been 'the rage' in Paris for about a year, but it +had pleased him, on this occasion, to see the gloom of the little lobby +shot with rays of pink and gold and white by the fragrant petals of these +ephemeral stars, which kindle their cold fires in the murky atmosphere of +winter afternoons. Odette had received him in a tea-gown of pink silk, +which left her neck and arms bare. She had made him sit down beside her in +one of the many mysterious little retreats which had been contrived in the +various recesses of the room, sheltered by enormous palmtrees growing out +of pots of Chinese porcelain, or by screens upon which were fastened +photographs and fans and bows of ribbon. She had said at once, "You're not +comfortable there; wait a minute, I'll arrange things for you," and with a +titter of laughter, the complacency of which implied that some little +invention of her own was being brought into play, she had installed behind +his head and beneath his feet great cushions of Japanese silk, which she +pummelled and buffeted as though determined to lavish on him all her +riches, and regardless of their value. But when her footman began to come +into the room, bringing, one after another, the innumerable lamps which +(contained, mostly, in porcelain vases) burned singly or in pairs upon the +different pieces of furniture as upon so many altars, rekindling in the +twilight, already almost nocturnal, of this winter afternoon, the glow of +a sunset more lasting, more roseate, more human--filling, perhaps, with +romantic wonder the thoughts of some solitary lover, wandering in the +street below and brought to a standstill before the mystery of the human +presence which those lighted windows at once revealed and screened from +sight--she had kept an eye sharply fixed on the servant, to see whether he +set each of the lamps down in the place appointed it. She felt that, if +he were to put even one of them where it ought not to be, the general +effect of her drawing-room would be destroyed, and that her portrait, +which rested upon a sloping easel draped with plush, would not catch the +light. And so, with feverish impatience, she followed the man's clumsy +movements, scolding him severely when he passed too close to a pair of +beaupots, which she made a point of always tidying herself, in case the +plants should be knocked over--and went across to them now to make sure +that he had not broken off any of the flowers. She found something +'quaint' in the shape of each of her Chinese ornaments, and also in her +orchids, the cattleyas especially (these being, with chrysanthemums, her +favourite flowers), because they had the supreme merit of not looking in +the least like other flowers, but of being made, apparently, out of scraps +of silk or satin. "It looks just as though it had been cut out of the +lining of my cloak," she said to Swann, pointing to an orchid, with a +shade of respect in her voice for so 'smart' a flower, for this +distinguished, unexpected sister whom nature had suddenly bestowed upon +her, so far removed from her in the scale of existence, and yet so +delicate, so refined, so much more worthy than many real women of +admission to her drawing-room. As she drew his attention, now to the +fiery-tongued dragons painted upon a bowl or stitched upon a fire-screen, +now to a fleshy cluster of orchids, now to a dromedary of inlaid +silver-work with ruby eyes, which kept company, upon her mantelpiece, with +a toad carved in jade, she would pretend now to be shrinking from the +ferocity of the monsters or laughing at their absurdity, now blushing at +the indecency of the flowers, now carried away by an irresistible desire +to run across and kiss the toad and dromedary, calling them 'darlings.' +And these affectations were in sharp contrast to the sincerity of some of +her attitudes, notably her devotion to Our Lady of the Laghetto who had +once, when Odette was living at Nice, cured her of a mortal illness, and +whose medal, in gold, she always carried on her person, attributing to it +unlimited powers. She poured out Swann's tea, inquired "Lemon or cream?" +and, on his answering "Cream, please," went on, smiling, "A cloud!" And as +he pronounced it excellent, "You see, I know just how you like it." This +tea had indeed seemed to Swann, just as it seemed to her, something +precious, and love is so far obliged to find some justification for +itself, some guarantee of its duration in pleasures which, on the +contrary, would have no existence apart from love and must cease with its +passing, that when he left her, at seven o'clock, to go and dress for the +evening, all the way home, sitting bolt upright in his brougham, unable to +repress the happiness with which the afternoon's adventure had filled him, +he kept on repeating to himself: "What fun it would be to have a little +woman like that in a place where one could always be certain of finding, +what one never can be certain of finding, a really good cup of tea." An +hour or so later he received a note from Odette, and at once recognised +that florid handwriting, in which an affectation of British stiffness +imposed an apparent discipline upon its shapeless characters, significant, +perhaps, to less intimate eyes than his, of an untidiness of mind, a +fragmentary education, a want of sincerity and decision. Swann had left +his cigarette-case at her house. "Why," she wrote, "did you not forget +your heart also? I should never have let you have that back." + +More important, perhaps, was a second visit which he paid her, a little +later. On his way to the house, as always when he knew that they were to +meet, he formed a picture of her in his mind; and the necessity, if he was +to find any beauty in her face, of fixing his eyes on the fresh and rosy +protuberance of her cheekbones, and of shutting out all the rest of those +cheeks which were so often languorous and sallow, except when they were +punctuated with little fiery spots, plunged him in acute depression, as +proving that one's ideal is always unattainable, and one's actual +happiness mediocre. He was taking her an engraving which she had asked to +see. She was not very well; she received him, wearing a wrapper of mauve +_crêpe de Chine_, which draped her bosom, like a mantle, with a richly +embroidered web. As she stood there beside him, brushing his cheek with +the loosened tresses of her hair, bending one knee in what was almost a +dancer's pose, so that she could lean without tiring herself over the +picture, at which she was gazing, with bended head, out of those great +eyes, which seemed so weary and so sullen when there was nothing to +animate her, Swann was struck by her resemblance to the figure of +Zipporah, Jethro's Daughter, which is to be seen in one of the Sixtine +frescoes. He had always found a peculiar fascination in tracing in the +paintings of the Old Masters, not merely the general characteristics of +the people whom he encountered in his daily life, but rather what seems +least susceptible of generalisation, the individual features of men and +women whom he knew, as, for instance, in a bust of the Doge Loredan by +Antonio Rizzo, the prominent cheekbones, the slanting eyebrows, in short, +a speaking likeness to his own coachman Rémi; in the colouring of a +Ghirlandaio, the nose of M. de Palancy; in a portrait by Tintoretto, the +invasion of the plumpness of the cheek by an outcrop of whisker, the +broken nose, the penetrating stare, the swollen eyelids of Dr. du Boulbon. +Perhaps because he had always regretted, in his heart, that he had +confined his attention to the social side of life, had talked, always, +rather than acted, he felt that he might find a sort of indulgence +bestowed upon him by those great artists, in his perception of the fact +that they also had regarded with pleasure and had admitted into the canon +of their works such types of physiognomy as give those works the strongest +possible certificate of reality and trueness to life; a modern, almost a +topical savour; perhaps, also, he had so far succumbed to the prevailing +frivolity of the world of fashion that he felt the necessity of finding in +an old masterpiece some such obvious and refreshing allusion to a person +about whom jokes could be made and repeated and enjoyed to-day. Perhaps, +on the other hand, he had retained enough of the artistic temperament to +be able to find a genuine satisfaction in watching these individual +features take on a more general significance when he saw them, uprooted +and disembodied, in the abstract idea of similarity between an historic +portrait and a modern original, whom it was not intended to represent. +However that might be, and perhaps because the abundance of impressions +which he, for some time past, had been receiving--though, indeed, they had +come to him rather through the channel of his appreciation of music--had +enriched his appetite for painting as well, it was with an unusual +intensity of pleasure, a pleasure destined to have a lasting effect upon +his character and conduct, that Swann remarked Odette's resemblance to the +Zipporah of that Alessandro de Mariano, to whom one shrinks from giving +his more popular surname, now that 'Botticelli' suggests not so much the +actual work of the Master as that false and banal conception of it which +has of late obtained common currency. He no longer based his estimate of +the merit of Odette's face on the more or less good quality of her cheeks, +and the softness and sweetness--as of carnation-petals--which, he +supposed, would greet his lips there, should he ever hazard an embrace, +but regarded it rather as a skein of subtle and lovely silken threads, +which his gazing eyes collected and wound together, following the curving +line from the skein to the ball, where he mingled the cadence of her neck +with the spring of her hair and the droop of her eyelids, as though from a +portrait of herself, in which her type was made clearly intelligible. + +He stood gazing at her; traces of the old fresco were apparent in her face +and limbs, and these he tried incessantly, afterwards, to recapture, both +when he was with Odette, and when he was only thinking of her in her +absence; and, albeit his admiration for the Florentine masterpiece was +probably based upon his discovery that it had been reproduced in her, the +similarity enhanced her beauty also, and rendered her more precious in his +sight. Swann reproached himself with his failure, hitherto, to estimate at +her true worth a creature whom the great Sandro would have adored, and +counted himself fortunate that his pleasure in the contemplation of Odette +found a justification in his own system of aesthetic. He told himself +that, in choosing the thought of Odette as the inspiration of his dreams +of ideal happiness, he was not, as he had until then supposed, falling +back, merely, upon an expedient of doubtful and certainly inadequate +value, since she contained in herself what satisfied the utmost refinement +of his taste in art. He failed to observe that this quality would not +naturally avail to bring Odette into the category of women whom he found +desirable, simply because his desires had always run counter to his +aesthetic taste. The words 'Florentine painting' were invaluable to Swann. +They enabled him (gave him, as it were, a legal title) to introduce the +image of Odette into a world of dreams and fancies which, until then, she +had been debarred from entering, and where she assumed a new and nobler +form. And whereas the mere sight of her in the flesh, by perpetually +reviving his misgivings as to the quality of her face, her figure, the +whole of her beauty, used to cool the ardour of his love, those misgivings +were swept away and that love confirmed now that he could re-erect his +estimate of her on the sure foundations of his aesthetic principles; while +the kiss, the bodily surrender which would have seemed natural and but +moderately attractive, had they been granted him by a creature of somewhat +withered flesh and sluggish blood, coming, as now they came, to crown his +adoration of a masterpiece in a gallery, must, it seemed, prove as +exquisite as they would be supernatural. + +And when he was tempted to regret that, for months past, he had done +nothing but visit Odette, he would assure himself that he was not +unreasonable in giving up much of his time to the study of an inestimably +precious work of art, cast for once in a new, a different, an especially +charming metal, in an unmatched exemplar which he would contemplate at one +moment with the humble, spiritual, disinterested mind of an artist, at +another with the pride, the selfishness, the sensual thrill of a +collector. + +On his study table, at which he worked, he had placed, as it were a +photograph of Odette, a reproduction of Jethro's Daughter. He would gaze +in admiration at the large eyes, the delicate features in which the +imperfection of her skin might be surmised, the marvellous locks of hair +that fell along her tired cheeks; and, adapting what he had already felt +to be beautiful, on aesthetic grounds, to the idea of a living woman, he +converted it into a series of physical merits which he congratulated +himself on finding assembled in the person of one whom he might, +ultimately, possess. The vague feeling of sympathy which attracts a +spectator to a work of art, now that he knew the type, in warm flesh and +blood, of Jethro's Daughter, became a desire which more than compensated, +thenceforward, for that with which Odette's physical charms had at first +failed to inspire him. When he had sat for a long time gazing at the +Botticelli, he would think of his own living Botticelli, who seemed all +the lovelier in contrast, and as he drew towards him the photograph of +Zipporah he would imagine that he was holding Odette against his heart. + +It was not only Odette's indifference, however, that he must take pains to +circumvent; it was also, not infrequently, his own; feeling that, since +Odette had had every facility for seeing him, she seemed no longer to have +very much to say to him when they did meet, he was afraid lest the +manner--at once trivial, monotonous, and seemingly unalterable--which she +now adopted when they were together should ultimately destroy in him that +romantic hope, that a day might come when she would make avowal of her +passion, by which hope alone he had become and would remain her lover. And +so to alter, to give a fresh moral aspect to that Odette, of whose +unchanging mood he was afraid of growing weary, he wrote, suddenly, a +letter full of hinted discoveries and feigned indignation, which he sent +off so that it should reach her before dinner-time. He knew that she would +be frightened, and that she would reply, and he hoped that, when the fear +of losing him clutched at her heart, it would force from her words such as +he had never yet heard her utter: and he was right--by repeating this +device he had won from her the most affectionate letters that she had, so +far, written him, one of them (which she had sent to him at midday by a +special messenger from the Maison Dorée--it was the day of the +Paris-Murcie Fête given for the victims of the recent floods in Murcia) +beginning "My dear, my hand trembles so that I can scarcely write----"; +and these letters he had kept in the same drawer as the withered +chrysanthemum. Or else, if she had not had time to write, when he arrived +at the Verdurins' she would come running up to him with an "I've something +to say to you!" and he would gaze curiously at the revelation in her face +and speech of what she had hitherto kept concealed from him of her heart. + +Even as he drew near to the Verdurins' door, and caught sight of the great +lamp-lit spaces of the drawing-room windows, whose shutters were never +closed, he would begin to melt at the thought of the charming creature +whom he would see, as he entered the room, basking in that golden light. +Here and there the figures of the guests stood out, sharp and black, +between lamp and window, shutting off the light, like those little +pictures which one sees sometimes pasted here and there upon a glass +screen, whose other panes are mere transparencies. He would try to make +out Odette. And then, when he was once inside, without thinking, his eyes +sparkled suddenly with such radiant happiness that M. Verdurin said to the +painter: "H'm. Seems to be getting warm." Indeed, her presence gave the +house what none other of the houses that he visited seemed to possess: a +sort of tactual sense, a nervous system which ramified into each of its +rooms and sent a constant stimulus to his heart. + +And so the simple and regular manifestations of a social organism, namely +the 'little clan,' were transformed for Swann into a series of daily +encounters with Odette, and enabled him to feign indifference to the +prospect of seeing her, or even a desire not to see her; in doing which he +incurred no very great risk since, even although he had written to her +during the day, he would of necessity see her in the evening and accompany +her home. + +But one evening, when, irritated by the thought of that inevitable dark +drive together, he had taken his other 'little girl' all the way to the +Bois, so as to delay as long as possible the moment of his appearance at +the Verdurins', he was so late in reaching them that Odette, supposing +that he did not intend to come, had already left. Seeing the room bare of +her, Swann felt his heart wrung by sudden anguish; he shook with the sense +that he was being deprived of a pleasure whose intensity he began then for +the first time to estimate, having always, hitherto, had that certainty of +finding it whenever he would, which (as in the case of all our pleasures) +reduced, if it did not altogether blind him to its dimensions. + +"Did you notice the face he pulled when he saw that she wasn't here?" M. +Verdurin asked his wife. "I think we may say that he's hooked." + +"The face he pulled?" exploded Dr. Cottard who, having left the house for +a moment to visit a patient, had just returned to fetch his wife and did +not know whom they were discussing. + +"D'you mean to say you didn't meet him on the doorstep--the loveliest of +Swanns?" + +"No. M. Swann has been here?" + +"Just for a moment. We had a glimpse of a Swann tremendously agitated. In +a state of nerves. You see, Odette had left." + +"You mean to say that she has gone the 'whole hog' with him; that she has +'burned her boats'?" inquired the Doctor cautiously, testing the meaning +of his phrases. + +"Why, of course not; there's absolutely nothing in it; in fact, between +you and me, I think she's making a great mistake, and behaving like a +silly little fool, which she is, incidentally." + +"Come, come, come!" said M. Verdurin, "How on earth do you know that +there's 'nothing in it'? We haven't been there to see, have we now?" + +"She would have told me," answered Mme. Verdurin with dignity. "I may say +that she tells me everything. As she has no one else at present, I told +her that she ought to live with him. She makes out that she can't; she +admits, she was immensely attracted by him, at first; but he's always shy +with her, and that makes her shy with him. Besides, she doesn't care for +him in that way, she says; it's an ideal love, 'Platonic,' you know; she's +afraid of rubbing the bloom off--oh, I don't know half the things she +says, how should I? And yet he's exactly the sort of man she wants." + +"I beg to differ from you," M. Verdurin courteously interrupted. "I am +only half satisfied with the gentleman. I feel that he 'poses.'" + +Mme. Verdurin's whole body stiffened, her eyes stared blankly as though +she had suddenly been turned into a statue; a device by means of which she +might be supposed not to have caught the sound of that unutterable word +which seemed to imply that it was possible for people to 'pose' in her +house, and, therefore, that there were people in the world who 'mattered +more' than herself. + +"Anyhow, if there is nothing in it, I don't suppose it's because our +friend believes in her virtue. And yet, you never know; he seems to +believe in her intelligence. I don't know whether you heard the way he +lectured her the other evening about Vinteuil's sonata. I am devoted to +Odette, but really--to expound theories of aesthetic to her--the man must +be a prize idiot." + +"Look here, I won't have you saying nasty things about Odette," broke in +Mme. Verdurin in her 'spoiled child' manner. "She is charming." + +"There's no reason why she shouldn't be charming; we are not saying +anything nasty about her, only that she is not the embodiment of either +virtue or intellect. After all," he turned to the painter, "does it matter +so very much whether she is virtuous or not? You can't tell; she might be +a great deal less charming if she were." + +On the landing Swann had run into the Verdurins' butler, who had been +somewhere else a moment earlier, when he arrived, and who had been asked +by Odette to tell Swann (but that was at least an hour ago) that she would +probably stop to drink a cup of chocolate at Prévost's on her way home. +Swann set off at once for Prévost's, but every few yards his carriage was +held up by others, or by people crossing the street, loathsome obstacles +each of which he would gladly have crushed beneath his wheels, were it not +that a policeman fumbling with a note-book would delay him even longer +than the actual passage of the pedestrian. He counted the minutes +feverishly, adding a few seconds to each so as to be quite certain that he +had not given himself short measure, and so, possibly, exaggerated +whatever chance there might actually be of his arriving at Prévost's in +time, and of finding her still there. And then, in a moment of +illumination, like a man in a fever who awakes from sleep and is conscious +of the absurdity of the dream-shapes among which his mind has been +wandering without any clear distinction between himself and them, Swann +suddenly perceived how foreign to his nature were the thoughts which he +had been revolving in his mind ever since he had heard at the Verdurins' +that Odette had left, how novel the heartache from which he was suffering, +but of which he was only now conscious, as though he had just woken up. +What! all this disturbance simply because he would not see Odette, now, +till to-morrow, exactly what he had been hoping, not an hour before, as he +drove toward Mme. Verdurin's. He was obliged to admit also that now, as he +sat in the same carriage and drove to Prévost's, he was no longer the same +man, was no longer alone even--but that a new personality was there beside +him, adhering to him, amalgamated with him, a creature from whom he might, +perhaps, be unable to liberate himself, towards whom he might have to +adopt some such stratagem as one uses to outwit a master or a malady. And +yet, during this last moment in which he had felt that another, a fresh +personality was thus conjoined with his own, life had seemed, somehow, +more interesting. + +It was in vain that he assured himself that this possible meeting at +Prévost's (the tension of waiting for which so ravished, stripped so bare +the intervening moments that he could find nothing, not one idea, not one +memory in his mind beneath which his troubled spirit might take shelter +and repose) would probably, after all, should it take place, be much the +same as all their meetings, of no great importance. As on every other +evening, once he was in Odette's company, once he had begun to cast +furtive glances at her changing countenance, and instantly to withdraw his +eyes lest she should read in them the first symbols of desire and believe +no more in his indifference, he would cease to be able even to think of +her, so busy would he be in the search for pretexts which would enable him +not to leave her immediately, and to assure himself, without betraying his +concern, that he would find her again, next evening, at the Verdurins'; +pretexts, that is to say, which would enable him to prolong for the time +being, and to renew for one day more the disappointment, the torturing +deception that must always come to him with the vain presence of this +woman, whom he might approach, yet never dared embrace. + +She was not at Prevost's; he must search for her, then, in every +restaurant upon the boulevards. To save time, while he went in one +direction, he sent in the other his coachman Rémi (Rizzo's Doge Loredan) +for whom he presently--after a fruitless search--found himself waiting at +the spot where the carriage was to meet him. It did not appear, and Swann +tantalised himself with alternate pictures of the approaching moment, as +one in which Rémi would say to him: "Sir, the lady is there," or as one in +which Rémi would say to him: "Sir, the lady was not in any of the cafés." +And so he saw himself faced by the close of his evening--a thing uniform, +and yet bifurcated by the intervening accident which would either put an +end to his agony by discovering Odette, or would oblige him to abandon any +hope of finding her that night, to accept the necessity of returning home +without having seen her. + +The coachman returned; but, as he drew up opposite him, Swann asked, not +"Did you find the lady?" but "Remind me, to-morrow, to order in some more +firewood. I am sure we must be running short." Perhaps he had persuaded +himself that, if Rémi had at last found Odette in some café, where she was +waiting for him still, then his night of misery was already obliterated by +the realisation, begun already in his mind, of a night of joy, and that +there was no need for him to hasten towards the attainment of a happiness +already captured and held in a safe place, which would not escape his +grasp again. But it was also by the force of inertia; there was in his +soul that want of adaptability which can be seen in the bodies of certain +people who, when the moment comes to avoid a collision, to snatch their +clothes out of reach of a flame, or to perform any other such necessary +movement, take their time (as the saying is), begin by remaining for a +moment in their original position, as though seeking to find in it a +starting-point, a source of strength and motion. And probably, if the +coachman had interrupted him with, "I have found the lady," he would have +answered, "Oh, yes, of course; that's what I told you to do. I had quite +forgotten," and would have continued to discuss his supply of firewood, so +as to hide from his servant the emotion that he had felt, and to give +himself time to break away from the thraldom of his anxieties and abandon +himself to pleasure. + +The coachman came back, however, with the report that he could not find +her anywhere, and added the advice, as an old and privileged servant, "I +think, sir, that all we can do now is to go home." + +But the air of indifference which Swann could so lightly assume when Rémi +uttered his final, unalterable response, fell from him like a cast-off +cloak when he saw Rémi attempt to make him abandon hope and retire from +the quest. + +"Certainly not!" he exclaimed. "We must find the lady. It is most +important. She would be extremely put out--it's a business matter--and +vexed with me if she didn't see me." + +"But I do not see how the lady can be vexed, sir," answered Rémi, "since +it was she that went away without waiting for you, sir, and said she was +going to Prévost's, and then wasn't there." + +Meanwhile the restaurants were closing, and their lights began to go out. +Under the trees of the boulevards there were still a few people strolling +to and fro, barely distinguishable in the gathering darkness. Now and then +the ghost of a woman glided up to Swann, murmured a few words in his ear, +asked him to take her home, and left him shuddering. Anxiously he explored +every one of these vaguely seen shapes, as though among the phantoms of +the dead, in the realms of darkness, he had been searching for a lost +Eurydice. + +Among all the methods by which love is brought into being, among all the +agents which disseminate that blessed bane, there are few so efficacious +as the great gust of agitation which, now and then, sweeps over the human +spirit. For then the creature in whose company we are seeking amusement at +the moment, her lot is cast, her fate and ours decided, that is the +creature whom we shall henceforward love. It is not necessary that she +should have pleased us, up till then, any more, or even as much as others. +All that is necessary is that our taste for her should become exclusive. +And that condition is fulfilled so soon as--in the moment when she has +failed to meet us--for the pleasure which we were on the point of enjoying +in her charming company is abruptly substituted an anxious torturing +desire, whose object is the creature herself, an irrational, absurd +desire, which the laws of civilised society make it impossible to satisfy +and difficult to assuage--the insensate, agonising desire to possess her. + +Swann made Rémi drive him to such restaurants as were still open; it was +the sole hypothesis, now, of that happiness which he had contemplated so +calmly; he no longer concealed his agitation, the price he set upon their +meeting, and promised, in case of success, to reward his coachman, as +though, by inspiring in him a will to triumph which would reinforce his +own, he could bring it to pass, by a miracle, that Odette--assuming that +she had long since gone home to bed,--might yet be found seated in some +restaurant on the boulevards. He pursued the quest as far as the Maison +Dorée, burst twice into Tortoni's and, still without catching sight of +her, was emerging from the Café Anglais, striding with haggard gaze +towards his carriage, which was waiting for him at the corner of the +Boulevard des Italiens, when he collided with a person coming in the +opposite direction; it was Odette; she explained, later, that there had +been no room at Prévost's, that she had gone, instead, to sup at the +Maison Dorée, and had been sitting there in an alcove where he must have +overlooked her, and that she was now looking for her carriage. + +She had so little expected to see him that she started back in alarm. As +for him, he had ransacked the streets of Paris, not that he supposed it +possible that he should find her, but because he would have suffered even +more cruelly by abandoning the attempt. But now the joy (which, his reason +had never ceased to assure him, was not, that evening at least, to be +realised) was suddenly apparent, and more real than ever before; for he +himself had contributed nothing to it by anticipating probabilities,--it +remained integral and external to himself; there was no need for him to +draw on his own resources to endow it with truth--'twas from itself that +there emanated, 'twas itself that projected towards him that truth whose +glorious rays melted and scattered like the cloud of a dream the sense of +loneliness which had lowered over him, that truth upon which he had +supported, nay founded, albeit unconsciously, his vision of bliss. So will +a traveller, who has come down, on a day of glorious weather, to the +Mediterranean shore, and is doubtful whether they still exist, those lands +which he has left, let his eyes be dazzled, rather than cast a backward +glance, by the radiance streaming towards him from the luminous and +unfading azure at his feet. + +He climbed after her into the carriage which she had kept waiting, and +ordered his own to follow. + +She had in her hand a bunch of cattleyas, and Swann could see, beneath the +film of lace that covered her head, more of the same flowers fastened to a +swansdown plume. She was wearing, under her cloak, a flowing gown of black +velvet, caught up on one side so as to reveal a large triangular patch of +her white silk skirt, with an 'insertion,' also of white silk, in the +cleft of her low-necked bodice, in which were fastened a few more +cattleyas. She had scarcely recovered from the shock which the sight of +Swann had given her, when some obstacle made the horse start to one side. +They were thrown forward from their seats; she uttered a cry, and fell +back quivering and breathless. + +"It's all right," he assured her, "don't be frightened." And he slipped +his arm round her shoulder, supporting her body against his own; then went +on: "Whatever you do, don't utter a word; just make a sign, yes or no, or +you'll be out of breath again. You won't mind if I put the flowers +straight on your bodice; the jolt has loosened them. I'm afraid of their +dropping out; I'm just going to fasten them a little more securely." + +She was not used to being treated with so much formality by men, and +smiled as she answered: "No, not at all; I don't mind in the least." + +But he, chilled a little by her answer, perhaps, also, to bear out the +pretence that he had been sincere in adopting the stratagem, or even +because he was already beginning to believe that he had been, exclaimed: +"No, no; you mustn't speak. You will be out of breath again. You can +easily answer in signs; I shall understand. Really and truly now, you +don't mind my doing this? Look, there is a little--I think it must be +pollen, spilt over your dress,--may I brush it off with my hand? That's +not too hard; I'm not hurting you, am I? I'm tickling you, perhaps, a +little; but I don't want to touch the velvet in case I rub it the wrong +way. But, don't you see, I really had to fasten the flowers; they would +have fallen out if I hadn't. Like that, now; if I just push them a little +farther down.... Seriously, I'm not annoying you, am I? And if I just +sniff them to see whether they've really lost all their scent? I don't +believe I ever smelt any before; may I? Tell the truth, now." + +Still smiling, she shrugged her shoulders ever so slightly, as who should +say, "You're quite mad; you know very well that I like it." + +He slipped his other hand upwards along Odette's cheek; she fixed her eyes +on him with that languishing and solemn air which marks the women of the +old Florentine's paintings, in whose faces he had found the type of hers; +swimming at the brink of her fringed lids, her brilliant eyes, large and +finely drawn as theirs, seemed on the verge of breaking from her face and +rolling down her cheeks like two great tears. She bent her neck, as all +their necks may be seen to bend, in the pagan scenes as well as in the +scriptural. And although her attitude was, doubtless, habitual and +instinctive, one which she knew to be appropriate to such moments, and was +careful not to forget to assume, she seemed to need all her strength to +hold her face back, as though some invisible force were drawing it down +towards Swann's. And Swann it was who, before she allowed her face, as +though despite her efforts, to fall upon his lips, held it back for a +moment longer, at a little distance between his hands. He had intended to +leave time for her mind to overtake her body's movements, to recognise the +dream which she had so long cherished and to assist at its realisation, +like a mother invited as a spectator when a prize is given to the child +whom she has reared and loves. Perhaps, moreover, Swann himself was fixing +upon these features of an Odette not yet possessed, not even kissed by +him, on whom he was looking now for the last time, that comprehensive gaze +with which, on the day of his departure, a traveller strives to bear away +with him in memory the view of a country to which he may never return. + +But he was so shy in approaching her that, after this evening which had +begun by his arranging her cattleyas and had ended in her complete +surrender, whether from fear of chilling her, or from reluctance to +appear, even retrospectively, to have lied, or perhaps because he lacked +the audacity to formulate a more urgent requirement than this (which could +always be repeated, since it had not annoyed her on the first occasion), +he resorted to the same pretext on the following days. If she had any +cattleyas pinned to her bodice, he would say: "It is most unfortunate; the +cattleyas don't need tucking in this evening; they've not been disturbed +as they were the other night; I think, though, that this one isn't quite +straight. May I see if they have more scent than the others?" Or else, if +she had none: "Oh! no cattleyas this evening; then there's nothing for me +to arrange." So that for some time there was no change from the procedure +which he had followed on that first evening, when he had started by +touching her throat, with his fingers first and then with his lips, but +their caresses began invariably with this modest exploration. And long +afterwards, when the arrangement (or, rather, the ritual pretence of an +arrangement) of her cattleyas had quite fallen into desuetude, the +metaphor "Do a cattleya," transmuted into a simple verb which they would +employ without a thought of its original meaning when they wished to refer +to the act of physical possession (in which, paradoxically, the possessor +possesses nothing), survived to commemorate in their vocabulary the long +forgotten custom from which it sprang. And yet possibly this particular +manner of saying "to make love" had not the precise significance of its +synonyms. However disillusioned we may be about women, however we may +regard the possession of even the most divergent types as an invariable +and monotonous experience, every detail of which is known and can be +described in advance, it still becomes a fresh and stimulating pleasure if +the women concerned be--or be thought to be--so difficult as to oblige us +to base our attack upon some unrehearsed incident in our relations with +them, as was originally for Swann the arrangement of the cattleyas. He +trembled as he hoped, that evening, (but Odette, he told himself, if she +were deceived by his stratagem, could not guess his intention) that it was +the possession of this woman that would emerge for him from their large +and richly coloured petals; and the pleasure which he already felt, and +which Odette tolerated, he thought, perhaps only because she was not yet +aware of it herself, seemed to him for that reason--as it might have +seemed to the first man when he enjoyed it amid the flowers of the earthly +paradise--a pleasure which had never before existed, which he was striving +now to create, a pleasure--and the special name which he was to give to it +preserved its identity--entirely individual and new. + +The ice once broken, every evening, when he had taken her home, he must +follow her into the house; and often she would come out again in her +dressing-gown, and escort him to his carriage, and would kiss him before +the eyes of his coachman, saying: "What on earth does it matter what +people see?" And on evenings when he did not go to the Verdurins' (which +happened occasionally, now that he had opportunities of meeting Odette +elsewhere), when--more and more rarely--he went into society, she would +beg him to come to her on his way home, however late he might be. The +season was spring, the nights clear and frosty. He would come away from an +evening party, jump into his victoria, spread a rug over his knees, tell +the friends who were leaving at the same time, and who insisted on his +going home with them, that he could not, that he was not going in their +direction; then the coachman would start off at a fast trot without +further orders, knowing quite well where he had to go. His friends would +be left marvelling, and, as a matter of fact, Swann was no longer the same +man. No one ever received a letter from him now demanding an introduction +to a woman. He had ceased to pay any attention to women, and kept away +from the places in which they were ordinarily to be met. In a restaurant, +or in the country, his manner was deliberately and directly the opposite +of that by which, only a few days earlier, his friends would have +recognised him, that manner which had seemed permanently and unalterably +his own. To such an extent does passion manifest itself in us as a +temporary and distinct character, which not only takes the place of our +normal character but actually obliterates the signs by which that +character has hitherto been discernible. On the other hand, there was one +thing that was, now, invariable, namely that wherever Swann might be +spending the evening, he never failed to go on afterwards to Odette. The +interval of space separating her from him was one which he must as +inevitably traverse as he must descend, by an irresistible gravitation, +the steep slope of life itself. To be frank, as often as not, when he had +stayed late at a party, he would have preferred to return home at once, +without going so far out of his way, and to postpone their meeting until +the morrow; but the very fact of his putting himself to such inconvenience +at an abnormal hour in order to visit her, while he guessed that his +friends, as he left them, were saying to one another: "He is tied hand and +foot; there must certainly be a woman somewhere who insists on his going +to her at all hours," made him feel that he was leading the life of the +class of men whose existence is coloured by a love-affair, and in whom the +perpetual sacrifice which they are making of their comfort and of their +practical interests has engendered a spiritual charm. Then, though he may +not consciously have taken this into consideration, the certainty that she +was waiting for him, that she was not anywhere or with anyone else, that +he would see her before he went home, drew the sting from that anguish, +forgotten, it is true, but latent and ever ready to be reawakened, which +he had felt on the evening when Odette had left the Verdurins' before his +arrival, an anguish the actual cessation of which was so agreeable that it +might even be called a state of happiness. Perhaps it was to that hour of +anguish that there must be attributed the importance which Odette had +since assumed in his life. Other people are, as a rule, so immaterial to +us that, when we have entrusted to any one of them the power to cause so +much suffering or happiness to ourselves, that person seems at once to +belong to a different universe, is surrounded with poetry, makes of our +lives a vast expanse, quick with sensation, on which that person and +ourselves are ever more or less in contact. Swann could not without +anxiety ask himself what Odette would mean to him in the years that were +to come. Sometimes, as he looked up from his victoria on those fine and +frosty nights of early spring, and saw the dazzling moonbeams fall between +his eyes and the deserted streets, he would think of that other face, +gleaming and faintly roseate like the moon's, which had, one day, risen on +the horizon of his mind and since then had shed upon the world that +mysterious light in which he saw it bathed. If he arrived after the hour +at which Odette sent her servants to bed, before ringing the bell at the +gate of her little garden, he would go round first into the other street, +over which, at the ground-level, among the windows (all exactly alike, but +darkened) of the adjoining houses, shone the solitary lighted window of +her room. He would rap upon the pane, and she would hear the signal, and +answer, before running to meet him at the gate. He would find, lying open +on the piano, some of her favourite music, the _Valse des Roses_, the +_Pauvre Fou_ of Tagliafico (which, according to the instructions embodied +in her will, was to be played at her funeral); but he would ask her, +instead, to give him the little phrase from Vinteuil's sonata. It was true +that Odette played vilely, but often the fairest impression that remains +in our minds of a favourite air is one which has arisen out of a jumble of +wrong notes struck by unskilful fingers upon a tuneless piano. The little +phrase was associated still, in Swann's mind, with his love for Odette. He +felt clearly that this love was something to which there were no +corresponding external signs, whose meaning could not be proved by any but +himself; he realised, too, that Odette's qualities were not such as to +justify his setting so high a value on the hours he spent in her company. +And often, when the cold government of reason stood unchallenged, he would +readily have ceased to sacrifice so many of his intellectual and social +interests to this imaginary pleasure. But the little phrase, as soon as it +struck his ear, had the power to liberate in him the room that was needed +to contain it; the proportions of Swann's soul were altered; a margin was +left for a form of enjoyment which corresponded no more than his love for +Odette to any external object, and yet was not, like his enjoyment of that +love, purely individual, but assumed for him an objective reality superior +to that of other concrete things. This thirst for an untasted charm, the +little phrase would stimulate it anew in him, but without bringing him +any definite gratification to assuage it. With the result that those parts +of Swann's soul in which the little phrase had obliterated all care for +material interests, those human considerations which affect all men alike, +were left bare by it, blank pages on which he was at liberty to inscribe +the name of Odette. Moreover, where Odette's affection might seem ever so +little abrupt and disappointing, the little phrase would come to +supplement it, to amalgamate with it its own mysterious essence. Watching +Swann's face while he listened to the phrase, one would have said that he +was inhaling an anaesthetic which allowed him to breathe more deeply. And +the pleasure which the music gave him, which was shortly to create in him +a real longing, was in fact closely akin, at such moments, to the pleasure +which he would have derived from experimenting with perfumes, from +entering into contract with a world for which we men were not created, +which appears to lack form because our eyes cannot perceive it, to lack +significance because it escapes our intelligence, to which we may attain +by way of one sense only. Deep repose, mysterious refreshment for +Swann,--for him whose eyes, although delicate interpreters of painting, +whose mind, although an acute observer of manners, must bear for ever the +indelible imprint of the barrenness of his life,--to feel himself +transformed into a creature foreign to humanity, blinded, deprived of his +logical faculty, almost a fantastic unicorn, a chimaera-like creature +conscious of the world through his two ears alone. And as, +notwithstanding, he sought in the little phrase for a meaning to which his +intelligence could not descend, with what a strange frenzy of intoxication +must he strip bare his innermost soul of the whole armour of reason, and +make it pass, unattended, through the straining vessel, down into the dark +filter of sound. He began to reckon up how much that was painful, perhaps +even how much secret and unappeased sorrow underlay the sweetness of the +phrase; and yet to him it brought no suffering. What matter though the +phrase repeated that love is frail and fleeting, when his love was so +strong! He played with the melancholy which the phrase diffused, he felt +it stealing over him, but like a caress which only deepened and sweetened +his sense of his own happiness. He would make Odette play him the phrase +again, ten, twenty times on end, insisting that, while she played, she +must never cease to kiss him. Every kiss provokes another. Ah, in those +earliest days of love how naturally the kisses spring into life. How +closely, in their abundance, are they pressed one against another; until +lovers would find it as hard to count the kisses exchanged in an hour, as +to count the flowers in a meadow in May. Then she would pretend to stop, +saying: "How do you expect me to play when you keep on holding me? I can't +do everything at once. Make up your mind what you want; am I to play the +phrase or do you want to play with me?" Then he would become annoyed, and +she would burst out with a laugh which, was transformed, as it left her +lips, and descended upon him in a shower of kisses. Or else she would look +at him sulkily, and he would see once again a face worthy to figure in +Botticelli's 'Life of Moses,' he would place it there, giving to Odette's +neck the necessary inclination; and when he had finished her portrait in +distemper, in the fifteenth century, on the wall of the Sixtine, the idea +that she was, none the less, in the room with him still, by the piano, at +that very moment, ready to be kissed and won, the idea of her material +existence, of her being alive, would sweep over him with so violent an +intoxication that, with eyes starting from his head and jaws that parted +as though to devour her, he would fling himself upon this Botticelli +maiden and kiss and bite her cheeks. And then, as soon as he had left the +house, not without returning to kiss her once again, because he had +forgotten to take away with him, in memory, some detail of her fragrance +or of her features, while he drove home in his victoria, blessing the name +of Odette who allowed him to pay her these daily visits, which, although +they could not, he felt, bring any great happiness to her, still, by +keeping him immune from the fever of jealousy--by removing from him every +possibility of a fresh outbreak of the heart-sickness which had manifested +itself in him that evening, when he had failed to find her at the +Verdurins'--might help him to arrive, without any recurrence of those +crises, of which the first had been so distressing that it must also be +the last, at the termination of this strange series of hours in his life, +hours almost enchanted, in the same manner as these other, following +hours, in which he drove through a deserted Paris by the light of the +moon: noticing as he drove home that the satellite had now changed its +position, relatively to his own, and was almost touching the horizon; +feeling that his love, also, was obedient to these immutable laws of +nature, he asked himself whether this period, upon which he had entered, +was to last much longer, whether presently his mind's eye would cease to +behold that dear countenance, save as occupying a distant and diminished +position, and on the verge of ceasing to shed on him the radiance of its +charm. For Swann was finding in things once more, since he had fallen in +love, the charm that he had found when, in his adolescence, he had fancied +himself an artist; with this difference, that what charm lay in them now +was conferred by Odette alone. He could feel reawakening in himself the +inspirations of his boyhood, which had been dissipated among the +frivolities of his later life, but they all bore, now, the reflection, the +stamp of a particular being; and during the long hours which he now found +a subtle pleasure in spending at home, alone with his convalescent spirit, +he became gradually himself again, but himself in thraldom to another. + +He went to her only in the evenings, and knew nothing of how she spent her +time during the day, any more than he knew of her past; so little, indeed, +that he had not even the tiny, initial clue which, by allowing us to +imagine what we do not know, stimulates a desire foreknowledge. And so he +never asked himself what she might be doing, or what her life had been. +Only he smiled sometimes at the thought of how, some years earlier, when +he still did not know her, some one had spoken to him of a woman who, if +he remembered rightly, must certainly have been Odette, as of a 'tart,' a +'kept' woman, one of those women to whom he still attributed (having lived +but little in their company) the entire set of characteristics, +fundamentally perverse, with which they had been, for many years, endowed +by the imagination of certain novelists. He would say to himself that one +has, as often as not, only to take the exact counterpart of the reputation +created by the world in order to judge a person fairly, when with such a +character he contrasted that of Odette, so good, so simple, so +enthusiastic in the pursuit of ideals, so nearly incapable of not telling +the truth that, when he had once begged her, so that they might dine +together alone, to write to Mme. Verdurin, saying that she was unwell, the +next day he had seen her, face to face with Mme. Verdurin, who asked +whether she had recovered, blushing, stammering, and, in spite of herself, +revealing in every feature how painful, what a torture it was to her to +act a lie; and, while in her answer she multiplied the fictitious details +of an imaginary illness, seeming to ask pardon, by her suppliant look and +her stricken accents, for the obvious falsehood of her words. + +On certain days, however, though these came seldom, she would call upon +him in the afternoon, to interrupt his musings or the essay on Ver-meer to +which he had latterly returned. His servant would come in to say that Mme. +de Crécy was in the small drawing-room. He would go in search of her, and, +when he opened the door, on Odette's blushing countenance, as soon as she +caught sight of Swann, would appear--changing the curve of her lips, the +look in her eyes, the moulding of her cheeks--an all-absorbing smile. Once +he was left alone he would see again that smile, and her smile of the day +before, another with which she had greeted him sometime else, the smile +which had been her answer, in the carriage that night, when he had asked +her whether she objected to his rearranging her cattleyas; and the life of +Odette at all other times, since he knew nothing of it, appeared to him +upon a neutral and colourless background, like those sheets of sketches by +Watteau upon which one sees, here and there, in every corner and in all +directions, traced in three colours upon the buff paper, innumerable +smiles. But, once in a while, illuminating a chink of that existence which +Swann still saw as a complete blank, even if his mind assured him that it +was not so, because he was unable to imagine anything that might occupy +it, some friend who knew them both, and suspecting that they were in love, +had not dared to tell him anything about her that was of the least +importance, would describe Odette's figure, as he had seen her, that very +morning, going on foot up the Rue Abbattucci, in a cape trimmed with +skunks, wearing a Rembrandt hat, and a bunch of violets in her bosom. This +simple outline reduced Swann to utter confusion by enabling him suddenly +to perceive that Odette had an existence which was not wholly subordinated +to his own; he burned to know whom she had been seeking to fascinate by +this costume in which he had never seen her; he registered a vow to insist +upon her telling him where she had been going at that intercepted moment, +as though, in all the colourless life--a life almost nonexistent, since +she was then invisible to him--of his mistress, there had been but a +single incident apart from all those smiles directed towards himself; +namely, her walking abroad beneath a Rembrandt hat, with a bunch of +violets in her bosom. + +Except when he asked her for Vinteuil's little phrase instead of the +_Valse des Roses_, Swann made no effort to induce her to play the things +that he himself preferred, nor, in literature any more than in music, to +correct the manifold errors of her taste. He fully realised that she was +not intelligent. When she said how much she would like him to tell her +about the great poets, she had imagined that she would suddenly get to +know whole pages of romantic and heroic verse, in the style of the Vicomte +de Borelli, only even more moving. As for Vermeer of Delft, she asked +whether he had been made to suffer by a woman, if it was a woman that had +inspired him, and once Swann had told her that no one knew, she had lost +all interest in that painter. She would often say: "I'm sure, poetry; +well, of course, there'd be nothing like it if it was all true, if the +poets really believed the things they said. But as often as not you'll +find there's no one so mean and calculating as those fellows. I know +something about poetry. I had a friend, once, who was in love with a poet +of sorts. In his verses he never spoke of anything but love, and heaven, +and the stars. Oh! she was properly taken in! He had more than three +hundred thousand francs out of her before he'd finished." If, then, Swann +tried to shew her in what artistic beauty consisted, how one ought to +appreciate poetry or painting, after a minute or two she would cease to +listen, saying: "Yes... I never thought it would be like that." And he +felt that her disappointment was so great that he preferred to lie to her, +assuring her that what he had said was nothing, that he had only touched +the surface, that he had not time to go into it all properly, that there +was more in it than that. Then she would interrupt with a brisk, "More in +it? What?... Do tell me!", but he did not tell her, for he realised how +petty it would appear to her, and how different from what she had +expected, less sensational and less touching; he was afraid, too, lest, +disillusioned in the matter of art, she might at the same time be +disillusioned in the greater matter of love. + +With the result that she found Swann inferior, intellectually, to what she +had supposed. "You're always so reserved; I can't make you out." She +marvelled increasingly at his indifference to money, at his courtesy to +everyone alike, at the delicacy of his mind. And indeed it happens, often +enough, to a greater man than Swann ever was, to a scientist or artist, +when he is not wholly misunderstood by the people among whom he lives, +that the feeling in them which proves that they have been convinced of the +superiority of his intellect is created not by any admiration for his +ideas--for those are entirely beyond them--but by their respect for what +they term his good qualities. There was also the respect with which Odette +was inspired by the thought of Swann's social position, although she had +no desire that he should attempt to secure invitations for herself. +Perhaps she felt that such attempts would be bound to fail; perhaps, +indeed, she feared lest, merely by speaking of her to his friends, he +should provoke disclosures of an unwelcome kind. The fact remains that she +had consistently held him to his promise never to mention her name. Her +reason for not wishing to go into society was, she had told him, a quarrel +which she had had, long ago, with another girl, who had avenged herself by +saying nasty things about her. "But," Swann objected, "surely, people +don't all know your friend." "Yes, don't you see, it's like a spot of oil; +people are so horrid." Swann was unable, frankly, to appreciate this +point; on the other hand, he knew that such generalisations as "People are +so horrid," and "A word of scandal spreads like a spot of oil," were +generally accepted as true; there must, therefore, be cases to which they +were literally applicable. Could Odette's case be one of these? He teased +himself with the question, though not for long, for he too was subject to +that mental oppression which had so weighed upon his father, whenever he +was faced by a difficult problem. In any event, that world of society +which concealed such terrors for Odette inspired her, probably, with no +very great longing to enter it, since it was too far removed from the +world which she already knew for her to be able to form any clear +conception of it. At the same time, while in certain respects she had +retained a genuine simplicity (she had, for instance, kept up a friendship +with a little dressmaker, now retired from business, up whose steep and +dark and fetid staircase she clambered almost every day), she still +thirsted to be in the fashion, though her idea of it was not altogether +that held by fashionable people. For the latter, fashion is a thing that +emanates from a comparatively small number of leaders, who project it to a +considerable distance--with more or less strength according as one is +nearer to or farther from their intimate centre--over the widening circle +of their friends and the friends of their friends, whose names form a sort +of tabulated index. People 'in society' know this index by heart, they are +gifted in such matters with an erudition from which they have extracted a +sort of taste, of tact, so automatic in its operation that Swann, for +example, without needing to draw upon his knowledge of the world, if he +read in a newspaper the names of the people who had been guests at a +dinner, could tell at once how fashionable the dinner had been, just as a +man of letters, merely by reading a phrase, can estimate exactly the +literary merit of its author. But Odette was one of those persons (an +extremely numerous class, whatever the fashionable world may think, and to +be found in every section of society) who do not share this knowledge, but +imagine fashion to be something of quite another kind, which assumes +different aspects according to the circle to which they themselves belong, +but has the special characteristic--common alike to the fashion of which +Odette used to dream and to that before which Mme. Cottard bowed--of being +directly accessible to all. The other kind, the fashion of 'fashionable +people,' is, it must be admitted, accessible also; but there are +inevitable delays. Odette would say of some one: "He never goes to any +place that isn't really smart." + +And if Swann were to ask her what she meant by that, she would answer, +with a touch of contempt, "Smart places! Why, good heavens, just fancy, at +your age, having to be told what the smart places are in Paris! What do +you expect me to say? Well, on Sunday mornings there's the Avenue de +l'Impératrice, and round the lake at five o'clock, and on Thursdays the +Eden-Théâtre, and the Hippodrome on Fridays; then there are the balls..." + +"What balls?" + +"Why, silly, the balls people give in Paris; the smart ones, I mean. Wait +now, Herbinger, you know who I mean, the fellow who's in one of the +jobbers' offices; yes, of course, you must know him, he's one of the +best-known men in Paris, that great big fair-haired boy who wears such +swagger clothes; he always has a flower in his buttonhole and a +light-coloured overcoat with a fold down the back; he goes about with that +old image, takes her to all the first-nights. Very well! He gave a ball +the other night, and all the smart people in Paris were there. I should +have loved to go! but you had to shew your invitation at the door, and I +couldn't get one anywhere. After all, I'm just as glad, now, that I didn't +go; I should have been killed in the crush, and seen nothing. Still, just +to be able to say one had been to Herbinger's ball. You know how vain I +am! However, you may be quite certain that half the people who tell you +they were there are telling stories.... But I am surprised that you +weren't there, a regular 'tip-topper' like you." + +Swann made no attempt, however, to modify this conception of fashion; +feeling that his own came no nearer to the truth, was just as fatuous, +devoid of all importance, he saw no advantage to be gained by imparting it +to his mistress, with the result that, after a few months, she ceased to +take any interest in the people to whose houses he went, except when they +were the means of his obtaining tickets for the paddock at race-meetings +or first-nights at the theatre. She hoped that he would continue to +cultivate such profitable acquaintances, but she had come to regard them +as less smart since the day when she had passed the Marquise de +Villeparisis in the street, wearing a black serge dress and a bonnet with +strings. + +"But she looks like a pew-opener, like an old charwoman, darling! That a +marquise! Goodness knows I'm not a marquise, but you'd have to pay me a +lot of money before you'd get me to go about Paris rigged out like that!" + +Nor could she understand Swann's continuing to live in his house on the +Quai d'Orléans, which, though she dared not tell him so, she considered +unworthy of him. + +It was true that she claimed to be fond of 'antiques,' and used to assume +a rapturous and knowing air when she confessed how she loved to spend the +whole day 'rummaging' in second-hand shops, hunting for 'bric-à-brac,' and +things of the 'right date.' Although it was a point of honour, to which +she obstinately clung, as though obeying some old family custom, that she +should never answer any questions, never give any account of what she did +during the daytime, she spoke to Swann once about a friend to whose house +she had been invited, and had found that everything in it was 'of the +period.' Swann could not get her to tell him what 'period' it was. Only +after thinking the matter over she replied that it was 'mediaeval'; by +which she meant that the walls were panelled. Some time later she spoke to +him again of her friend, and added, in the hesitating but confident tone +in which one refers to a person whom one has met somewhere, at dinner, the +night before, of whom one had never heard until then, but whom one's hosts +seemed to regard as some one so celebrated and important that one hopes +that one's listener will know quite well who is meant, and will be duly +impressed: "Her dining-room... is... eighteenth century!" Incidentally, +she had thought it hideous, all bare, as though the house were still +unfinished; women looked frightful in it, and it would never become the +fashion. She mentioned it again, a third time, when she shewed Swann a +card with the name and address of the man who had designed the +dining-room, and whom she wanted to send for, when she had enough money, +to see whether he could not do one for her too; not one like that, of +course, but one of the sort she used to dream of, one which, +unfortunately, her little house would not be large enough to contain, with +tall sideboards, Renaissance furniture and fireplaces like the Château at +Blois. It was on this occasion that she let out to Swann what she really +thought of his abode on the Quai d'Orléans; he having ventured the +criticism that her friend had indulged, not in the Louis XVI style, for, +he went on, although that was not, of course, done, still it might be made +charming, but in the 'Sham-Antique.' + +"You wouldn't have her live, like you, among a lot of broken-down chairs +and threadbare carpets!" she exclaimed, the innate respectability of the +middle-class housewife rising impulsively to the surface through the +acquired dilettantism of the 'light woman.' + +People who enjoyed 'picking-up' things, who admired poetry, despised +sordid calculations of profit and loss, and nourished ideals of honour and +love, she placed in a class by themselves, superior to the rest of +humanity. There was no need actually to have those tastes, provided one +talked enough about them; when a man had told her at dinner that he loved +to wander about and get his hands all covered with dust in the old +furniture shops, that he would never be really appreciated in this +commercial age, since he was not concerned about the things that +interested it, and that he belonged to another generation altogether, she +would come home saying: "Why, he's an adorable creature; so sensitive! I +had no idea," and she would conceive for him a strong and sudden +friendship. But, on the other hand, men who, like Swann, had these tastes +but did not speak of them, left her cold. She was obliged, of course, to +admit that Swann was most generous with his money, but she would add, +pouting: "It's not the same thing, you see, with him," and, as a matter of +fact, what appealed to her imagination was not the practice of +disinterestedness, but its vocabulary. + +Feeling that, often, he could not give her in reality the pleasures of +which she dreamed, he tried at least to ensure that she should be happy in +his company, tried not to contradict those vulgar ideas, that bad taste +which she displayed on every possible occasion, which all the same he +loved, as he could not help loving everything that came from her, which +even fascinated him, for were they not so many more of those +characteristic features, by virtue of which the essential qualities of the +woman emerged, and were made visible? And so, when she was in a happy mood +because she was going to see the _Reine Topaze_, or when her eyes grew +serious, troubled, petulant, if she was afraid of missing the flower-show, +or merely of not being in time for tea, with muffins and toast, at the Rue +Royale tea-rooms, where she believed that regular attendance was +indispensable, and set the seal upon a woman's certificate of 'smartness,' +Swann, enraptured, as all of us are, at times, by the natural behaviour of +a child, or by the likeness of a portrait, which appears to be on the +point of speaking, would feel so distinctly the soul of his mistress +rising to fill the outlines of her face that he could not refrain from +going across and welcoming it with his lips. "Oh, then, so little Odette +wants us to take her to the flower-show, does she? she wants to be +admired, does she? very well, we will take her there, we can but obey her +wishes." As Swann's sight was beginning to fail, he had to resign himself +to a pair of spectacles, which he wore at home, when working, while to +face the world he adopted a single eyeglass, as being less disfiguring. +The first time that she saw it in his eye, she could not contain herself +for joy: "I really do think--for a man, that is to say--it is tremendously +smart! How nice you look with it! Every inch a gentleman. All you want +now is a title!" she concluded, with a tinge of regret in her voice. He +liked Odette to say these things, just as, if he had been in love with a +Breton girl, he would have enjoyed seeing her in her coif and hearing her +say that she believed in ghosts. Always until then, as is common among men +whose taste for the fine arts develops independently of their sensuality, +a grotesque disparity had existed between the satisfactions which he would +accord to either taste simultaneously; yielding to the seduction of works +of art which grew more and more subtle as the women in whose company he +enjoyed them grew more illiterate and common, he would take a little +servant-girl to a screened box in a theatre where there was some decadent +piece which he had wished to see performed, or to an exhibition of +impressionist painting, with the conviction, moreover, that an +educated, 'society' woman would have understood them no better, but would +not have managed to keep quiet about them so prettily. But, now that he +was in love with Odette, all this was changed; to share her sympathies, to +strive to be one with her in spirit was a task so attractive that he tried +to find satisfaction in the things that she liked, and did find a +pleasure, not only in copying her habits but in adopting her opinions, +which was all the deeper because, as those habits and opinions sprang from +no roots in her intelligence, they suggested to him nothing except that +love, for the sake of which he had preferred them to his own. If he went +again to _Serge Panine_, if he looked out for opportunities of going to +watch Olivier Métra conducting, it was for the pleasure of being initiated +into every one of the ideas in Odette's mind, of feeling that he had an +equal share in all her tastes. This charm of drawing him closer to her, +which her favourite plays and pictures and places possessed, struck him as +being more mysterious than the intrinsic charm of more beautiful things +and places, which appealed to him by their beauty, but without recalling +her. Besides, having allowed the intellectual beliefs of his youth to +grow faint, until his scepticism, as a finished 'man of the world,' had +gradually penetrated them unawares, he held (or at least he had held for +so long that he had fallen into the habit of saying) that the objects +which we admire have no absolute value in themselves, that the whole thing +is a matter of dates and castes, and consists in a series of fashions, the +most vulgar of which are worth just as much as those which are regarded as +the most refined. And as he had decided that the importance which Odette +attached to receiving cards tot a private view was not in itself any more +ridiculous than the pleasure which he himself had at one time felt in +going to luncheon with the Prince of Wales, so he did not think that the +admiration which she professed for Monte-Carlo or for the Righi was any +more unreasonable than his own liking for Holland (which she imagined as +ugly) and for Versailles (which bored her to tears). And so he denied +himself the pleasure of visiting those places, consoling himself with the +reflection that it was for her sake that he wished to feel, to like +nothing that was not equally felt and liked by her. + +Like everything else that formed part of Odette's environment, and was no +more, in a sense, than the means whereby he might see and talk to her more +often, he enjoyed the society of the Verdurins. With them, since, at the +heart of all their entertainments, dinners, musical evenings, games, +suppers in fancy dress, excursions to the country, theatre parties, even +the infrequent 'big evenings' when they entertained 'bores,' there were +the presence of Odette, the sight of Odette, conversation with Odette, an +inestimable boon which the Verdurins, by inviting him to their house, +bestowed on Swann, he was happier in the little 'nucleus' than anywhere +else, and tried to find some genuine merit in each of its members, +imagining that his tastes would lead him to frequent their society for the +rest of his life. Never daring to whisper to himself, lest he should doubt +the truth of the suggestion, that he would always be in love with Odette, +at least when he tried to suppose that he would always go to the +Verdurins' (a proposition which, a priori, raised fewer fundamental +objections on the part of his intelligence), he saw himself for the future +continuing to meet Odette every evening; that did not, perhaps, come quite +to the same thing as his being permanently in love with her, but for the +moment while he was in love with her, to feel that he would not, one day, +cease to see her was all that he could ask. "What a charming atmosphere!" +he said to himself. "How entirely genuine life is to these people! They +are far more intelligent, far more artistic, surely, than the people one +knows. Mme. Verdurin, in spite of a few trifling exaggerations which are +rather absurd, has a sincere love of painting and music! What a passion +for works of art, what anxiety to give pleasure to artists! Her ideas +about some of the people one knows are not quite right, but then their +ideas about artistic circles are altogether wrong! Possibly I make no +great intellectual demands upon conversation, but I am perfectly happy +talking to Cottard, although he does trot out those idiotic puns. And as +for the painter, if he is rather unpleasantly affected when he tries to be +paradoxical, still he has one of the finest brains that I have ever come +across. Besides, what is most important, one feels quite free there, one +does what one likes without constraint or fuss. What a flow of humour +there is every day in that drawing-room! Certainly, with a few rare +exceptions, I never want to go anywhere else again. It will become more +and more of a habit, and I shall spend the rest of my life among them." + +And as the qualities which he supposed to be an intrinsic part of the +Verdurin character were no more, really, than their superficial reflection +of the pleasure which had been enjoyed in their society by his love for +Odette, those qualities became more serious, more profound, more vital, as +that pleasure increased. Since Mme. Verdurin gave Swann, now and then, +what alone could constitute his happiness; since, on an evening when he +felt anxious because Odette had talked rather more to one of the party +than to another, and, in a spasm of irritation, would not take the +initiative by asking her whether she was coming home, Mme. Verdurin +brought peace and joy to his troubled spirit by the spontaneous +exclamation: "Odette! You'll see M. Swann home, won't you?"; since, when +the summer holidays came, and after he had asked himself uneasily whether +Odette might not leave Paris without him, whether he would still be able +to see her every day, Mme. Verdurin was going to invite them both to spend +the summer with her in the country; Swann, unconsciously allowing +gratitude and self-interest to filter into his intelligence and to +influence his ideas, went so far as to proclaim that Mme. Verdurin was "a +great and noble soul." Should any of his old fellow-pupils in the Louvre +school of painting speak to him of some rare or eminent artist, "I'd a +hundred times rather," he would reply, "have the Verdurins." And, with a +solemnity of diction which was new in him: "They are magnanimous +creatures, and magnanimity is, after all, the one thing that matters, the +one thing that gives us distinction here on earth. Look you, there are +only two classes of men, the magnanimous, and the rest; and I have reached +an age when one has to take sides, to decide once and for all whom one is +going to like and dislike, to stick to the people one likes, and, to make +up for the time one has wasted with the others, never to leave them again +as long as one lives. Very well!" he went on, with the slight emotion +which a man feels when, even without being fully aware of what he is +doing, he says something, not because it is true but because he enjoys +saying it, and listens to his own voice uttering the words as though they +came from some one else, "The die is now cast; I have elected to love none +but magnanimous souls, and to live only in an atmosphere of magnanimity. +You ask me whether Mme. Verdurin is really intelligent. I can assure you +that she has given me proofs of a nobility of heart, of a loftiness of +soul, to which no one could possibly attain--how could they?--without a +corresponding loftiness of mind. Without question, she has a profound +understanding of art. But it is not, perhaps, in that that she is most +admirable; every little action, ingeniously, exquisitely kind, which she +has performed for my sake, every friendly attention, simple little things, +quite domestic and yet quite sublime, reveal a more profound comprehension +of existence than all your textbooks of philosophy." + + + +* * * + + + +He might have reminded himself, all the same, that there were various old +friends of his family who were just as simple as the Verdurins, companions +of his early days who were just as fond of art, that he knew other +'great-hearted creatures,' and that, nevertheless, since he had cast his +vote in favour of simplicity, the arts, and magnanimity, he had entirely +ceased to see them. But these people did not know Odette, and, if they had +known her, would never have thought of introducing her to him. + +And so there was probably not, in the whole of the Verdurin circle, a +single one of the 'faithful' who loved them, or believed that he loved +them, as dearly as did Swann. And yet, when M. Verdurin said that he was +not satisfied with Swann, he had not only expressed his own sentiments, he +had unwittingly discovered his wife's. Doubtless Swann had too particular +an affection for Odette, as to which he had failed to take Mme. Verdurin +daily into his confidence; doubtless the very discretion with which he +availed himself of the Verdurins' hospitality, refraining, often, from +coming to dine with them for a reason which they never suspected, and in +place of which they saw only an anxiety on his part not to have to decline +an invitation to the house of some 'bore' or other; doubtless, also, and +despite all the precautions which he had taken to keep it from them, the +gradual discovery which they were making of his brilliant position in +society--doubtless all these things contributed to their general annoyance +with Swann. But the real, the fundamental reason was quite different. +What had happened was that they had at once discovered in him a locked +door, a reserved, impenetrable chamber in which he still professed +silently to himself that the Princesse de Sagan was not grotesque, and +that Cottard's jokes were not amusing; in a word (and for all that he +never once abandoned his friendly attitude towards them all, or revolted +from their dogmas), they had discovered an impossibility of imposing those +dogmas upon him, of entirely converting him to their faith, the like of +which they had never come across in anyone before. They would have +forgiven his going to the houses of 'bores' (to whom, as it happened, in +his heart of hearts he infinitely preferred the Verdurins and all their +little 'nucleus') had he consented to set a good example by openly +renouncing those 'bores' in the presence of the 'faithful.' But that was +an abjuration which, as they well knew, they were powerless to extort. + +What a difference was there in a 'newcomer' whom Odette had asked them to +invite, although she herself had met him only a few times, and on whom +they were building great hopes--the Comte de Forcheville! (It turned out +that he was nothing more nor less than the brother-in-law of Saniette, a +discovery which filled all the 'faithful' with amazement: the manners of +the old palaeographer were so humble that they had always supposed him to +be of a class inferior, socially, to their own, and had never expected to +learn that he came of a rich and relatively aristocratic family.) Of +course, Forcheville was enormously the 'swell,' which Swann was not or had +quite ceased to be; of course, he would never dream of placing, as Swann +now placed, the Verdurin circle above any other. But he lacked that +natural refinement which prevented Swann from associating himself with the +criticisms (too obviously false to be worth his notice) that Mme. Verdurin +levelled at people whom he knew. As for the vulgar and affected tirades in +which the painter sometimes indulged, the bag-man's pleasantries which +Cottard used to hazard,--whereas Swann, who liked both men sincerely, +could easily find excuses for these without having either the courage or +the hypocrisy to applaud them, Forcheville, on the other hand, was on an +intellectual level which permitted him to be stupified, amazed by the +invective (without in the least understanding what it all was about), and +to be frankly delighted by the wit. And the very first dinner at the +Verdurins' at which Forcheville was present threw a glaring light upon all +the differences between them, made his qualities start into prominence and +precipitated the disgrace of Swann. + +There was, at this dinner, besides the usual party, a professor from the +Sorbonne, one Brichot, who had met M. and Mme. Verdurin at a +watering-place somewhere, and, if his duties at the university and his +other works of scholarship had not left him with very little time to +spare, would gladly have come to them more often. For he had that +curiosity, that superstitious outlook on life, which, combined with a +certain amount of scepticism with regard to the object of their studies, +earn for men of intelligence, whatever their profession, for doctors who +do not believe in medicine, for schoolmasters who do not believe in Latin +exercises, the reputation of having broad, brilliant, and indeed superior +minds. He affected, when at Mme. Verdurin's, to choose his illustrations +from among the most topical subjects of the day, when he spoke of +philosophy or history, principally because he regarded those sciences as +no more, really, than a preparation for life itself, and imagined that he +was seeing put into practice by the 'little clan' what hitherto he had +known only from books; and also, perhaps, because, having had drilled into +him as a boy, and having unconsciously preserved, a feeling of reverence +for certain subjects, he thought that he was casting aside the scholar's +gown when he ventured to treat those subjects with a conversational +licence, which seemed so to him only because the folds of the gown still +clung. + +Early in the course of the dinner, when M. de Forcheville, seated on the +right of Mme. Verdurin, who, in the 'newcomer's' honour, had taken great +pains with her toilet, observed to her: "Quite original, that white +dress," the Doctor, who had never taken his eyes off him, so curious was +he to learn the nature and attributes of what he called a "de," and was on +the look-out for an opportunity of attracting his attention, so as to come +into closer contact with him, caught in its flight the adjective +'_blanche_' and, his eyes still glued to his plate, snapped out, +"_Blanche_? Blanche of Castile?" then, without moving his head, shot a +furtive glance to right and left of him, doubtful, but happy on the whole. +While Swann, by the painful and futile effort which he made to smile, +testified that he thought the pun absurd, Forcheville had shewn at once +that he could appreciate its subtlety, and that he was a man of the world, +by keeping within its proper limits a mirth the spontaneity of which had +charmed Mme. Verdurin. + +"What are you to say of a scientist like that?" she asked Forcheville. +"You can't talk seriously to him for two minutes on end. Is that the sort +of thing you tell them at your hospital?" she went on, turning to the +Doctor. "They must have some pretty lively times there, if that's the +case. I can see that I shall have to get taken in as a patient!" + +"I think I heard the Doctor speak of that wicked old humbug, Blanche of +Castile, if I may so express myself. Am I not right, Madame?" Brichot +appealed to Mme. Verdurin, who, swooning with merriment, her eyes tightly +closed, had buried her face in her two hands, from between which, now and +then, escaped a muffled scream. + +"Good gracious, Madame, I would not dream of shocking the reverent-minded, +if there are any such around this table, _sub rosa_... I recognise, +moreover, that our ineffable and Athenian--oh, how infinitely +Athenian--Republic is capable of honouring, in the person of that +obscurantist old she-Capet, the first of our chiefs of police. Yes, +indeed, my dear host, yes, indeed!" he repeated in his ringing voice, +which sounded a separate note for each syllable, in reply to a protest by +M. Verdurin. "The Chronicle of Saint Denis, and the authenticity of its +information is beyond question, leaves us no room for doubt on that point. +No one could be more fitly chosen as Patron by a secularising proletariat +than that mother of a Saint, who let him see some pretty fishy saints +besides, as Suger says, and other great St. Bernards of the sort; for with +her it was a case of taking just what you pleased." + +"Who is that gentleman?" Forcheville asked Mme. Verdurin. "He seems to +speak with great authority." + +"What! Do you mean to say you don't know the famous Brichot? Why, he's +celebrated all over Europe." + +"Oh, that's Bréchot, is it?" exclaimed Forcheville, who had not quite +caught the name. "You must tell me all about him"; he went on, fastening a +pair of goggle eyes on the celebrity. "It's always interesting to meet +well-known people at dinner. But, I say, you ask us to very select parties +here. No dull evenings in this house, I'm sure." + +"Well, you know what it is really," said Mme. Verdurin modestly. "They +feel safe here. They can talk about whatever they like, and the +conversation goes off like fireworks. Now Brichot, this evening, is +nothing. I've seen him, don't you know, when he's been with me, simply +dazzling; you'd want to go on your knees to him. Well, with anyone else +he's not the same man, he's not in the least witty, you have to drag the +words out of him, he's even boring." + +"That's strange," remarked Forcheville with fitting astonishment. + +A sort of wit like Brichot's would have been regarded as out-and-out +stupidity by the people among whom Swann had spent his early life, for all +that it is quite compatible with real intelligence. And the intelligence +of the Professor's vigorous and well-nourished brain might easily have +been envied by many of the people in society who seemed witty enough to +Swann. But these last had so thoroughly inculcated into him their likes +and dislikes, at least in everything that pertained to their ordinary +social existence, including that annex to social existence which belongs, +strictly speaking, to the domain of intelligence, namely, conversation, +that Swann could not see anything in Brichot's pleasantries; to him they +were merely pedantic, vulgar, and disgustingly coarse. He was shocked, +too, being accustomed to good manners, by the rude, almost barrack-room +tone which this student-in-arms adopted, no matter to whom he was +speaking. Finally, perhaps, he had lost all patience that evening as he +watched Mme. Verdurin welcoming, with such unnecessary warmth, this +Forcheville fellow, whom it had been Odette's unaccountable idea to bring +to the house. Feeling a little awkward, with Swann there also, she had +asked him on her arrival: "What do you think of my guest?" + +And he, suddenly realising for the first time that Forcheville, whom he +had known for years, could actually attract a woman, and was quite a good +specimen of a man, had retorted: "Beastly!" He had, certainly, no idea of +being jealous of Odette, but did not feel quite so happy as usual, and +when Brichot, having begun to tell them the story of Blanche of Castile's +mother, who, according to him, "had been with Henry Plantagenet for years +before they were married," tried to prompt Swann to beg him to continue +the story, by interjecting "Isn't that so, M. Swann?" in the martial +accents which one uses in order to get down to the level of an +unintelligent rustic or to put the 'fear of God' into a trooper, Swann cut +his story short, to the intense fury of their hostess, by begging to be +excused for taking so little interest in Blanche of Castile, as he had +something that he wished to ask the painter. He, it appeared, had been +that afternoon to an exhibition of the work of another artist, also a +friend of Mme. Verdurin, who had recently died, and Swann wished to find +out from him (for he valued his discrimination) whether there had really +been anything more in this later work than the virtuosity which had struck +people so forcibly in his earlier exhibitions. + +"From that point of view it was extraordinary, but it did not seem to me +to be a form of art which you could call 'elevated,'" said Swann with a +smile. + +"Elevated... to the height of an Institute!" interrupted Cottard, raising +his arms with mock solemnity. The whole table burst out laughing. + +"What did I tell you?" said Mme. Verdurin to Forcheville. "It's simply +impossible to be serious with him. When you least expect it, out he comes +with a joke." + +But she observed that Swann, and Swann alone, had not unbent. For one +thing he was none too well pleased with Cottard for having secured a laugh +at his expense in front of Forcheville. But the painter, instead of +replying in a way that might have interested Swann, as he would probably +have done had they been alone together, preferred to win the easy +admiration of the rest by exercising his wit upon the talent of their dead +friend. + +"I went up to one of them," he began, "just to see how it was done; I +stuck my nose into it. Yes, I don't think! Impossible to say whether it +was done with glue, with soap, with sealing-wax, with sunshine, with +leaven, with excrem..." + +"And one make twelve!" shouted the Doctor, wittily, but just too late, for +no one saw the point of his interruption. + +"It looks as though it were done with nothing at all," resumed the +painter. "No more chance of discovering the trick than there is in the +'Night Watch,' or the 'Regents,' and it's even bigger work than either +Rembrandt or Hals ever did. It's all there,--and yet, no, I'll take my +oath it isn't." + +Then, just as singers who have reached the highest note in their compass, +proceed to hum the rest of the air in falsetto, he had to be satisfied +with murmuring, smiling the while, as if, after all, there had been +something irresistibly amusing in the sheer beauty of the painting: "It +smells all right; it makes your head go round; it catches your breath; you +feel ticklish all over--and not the faintest clue to how it's done. The +man's a sorcerer; the thing's a conjuring-trick, it's a miracle," bursting +outright into laughter, "it's dishonest!" Then stopping, solemnly raising +his head, pitching his voice on a double-bass note which he struggled to +bring into harmony, he concluded, "And it's so loyal!" + +Except at the moment when he had called it "bigger than the 'Night +Watch,'" a blasphemy which had called forth an instant protest from Mme. +Verdurin, who regarded the 'Night Watch' as the supreme masterpiece of the +universe (conjointly with the 'Ninth' and the 'Samothrace'), and at the +word "excrement," which had made Forcheville throw a sweeping glance round +the table to see whether it was 'all right,' before he allowed his lips to +curve in a prudish and conciliatory smile, all the party (save Swann) had +kept their fascinated and adoring eyes fixed upon the painter. + +"I do so love him when he goes up in the air like that!" cried Mme. +Verdurin, the moment that he had finished, enraptured that the table-talk +should have proved so entertaining on the very night that Forcheville was +dining with them for the first time. "Hallo, you!" she turned to her +husband, "what's the matter with you, sitting there gaping like a great +animal? You know, though, don't you," she apologised for him to the +painter, "that he can talk quite well when he chooses; anybody would think +it was the first time he had ever listened to you. If you had only seen +him while you were speaking; he was just drinking it all in. And to-morrow +he will tell us everything you said, without missing a word." + +"No, really, I'm not joking!" protested the painter, enchanted by the +success of his speech. "You all look as if you thought I was pulling your +legs, that it was just a trick. I'll take you to see the show, and then +you can say whether I've been exaggerating; I'll bet you anything you +like, you'll come away more 'up in the air' than I am!" + +"But we don't suppose for a moment that you're exaggerating; we only want +you to go on with your dinner, and my husband too. Give M. Biche some more +sole, can't you see his has got cold? We're not in any hurry; you're +dashing round as if the house was on fire. Wait a little; don't serve the +salad just yet." + +Mme. Cottard, who was a shy woman and spoke but seldom, was not lacking, +for all that, in self-assurance when a happy inspiration put the right +word in her mouth. She felt that it would be well received; the thought +gave her confidence, and what she was doing was done with the object not +so much of shining herself, as of helping her husband on in his career. +And so she did not allow the word 'salad,' which Mme. Verdurin had just +uttered, to pass unchallenged. + +"It's not a Japanese salad, is it?" she whispered, turning towards Odette. + +And then, in her joy and confusion at the combination of neatness and +daring which there had been in making so discreet and yet so unmistakable +an allusion to the new and brilliantly successful play by Dumas, she broke +down in a charming, girlish laugh, not very loud, but so irresistible that +it was some time before she could control it. + +"Who is that lady? She seems devilish clever," said Forcheville. + +"No, it is not. But we will have one for you if you will all come to +dinner on Friday." + +"You will think me dreadfully provincial, sir," said Mme. Cottard to +Swann, "but, do you know, I haven't been yet to this famous _Francillon_ +that everybody's talking about. The Doctor has been (I remember now, he +told me what a very great pleasure it had been to him to spend the evening +with you there) and I must confess, I don't see much sense in spending +money on seats for him to take me, when he's seen the play already. Of +course an evening at the Théâtre-Français is never wasted, really; the +acting's so good there always; but we have some very nice friends," (Mme. +Cottard would hardly ever utter a proper name, but restricted herself to +"some friends of ours" or "one of my friends," as being more +'distinguished,' speaking in an affected tone and with all the importance +of a person who need give names only when she chooses) "who often have a +box, and are kind enough to take us to all the new pieces that are worth +going to, and so I'm certain to see this _Francillon_ sooner or later, and +then I shall know what to think. But I do feel such a fool about it, I +must confess, for, whenever I pay a call anywhere, I find everybody +talking--it's only natural--about that wretched Japanese salad. Really and +truly, one's beginning to get just a little tired of hearing about it," +she went on, seeing that Swann seemed less interested than she had hoped +in so burning a topic. "I must admit, though, that it's sometimes quite +amusing, the way they joke about it: I've got a friend, now, who is most +original, though she's really a beautiful woman, most popular in society, +goes everywhere, and she tells me that she got her cook to make one of +these Japanese salads, putting in everything that young M. Dumas says +you're to put in, in the play. Then she asked just a few friends to come +and taste it. I was not among the favoured few, I'm sorry to say. But she +told us all about it on her next 'day'; it seems it was quite horrible, +she made us all laugh till we cried. I don't know; perhaps it was the way +she told it," Mme. Cottard added doubtfully, seeing that Swann still +looked grave. + +And, imagining that it was, perhaps, because he had not been amused by +_Francillon_: "Well, I daresay I shall be disappointed with it, after all. +I don't suppose it's as good as the piece Mme. de Crécy worships, _Serge +Panine_. There's a play, if you like; so deep, makes you think! But just +fancy giving a receipt for a salad on the stage of the Théâtre-Français! +Now, _Serge Panine_--! But then, it's like everything that comes from the +pen of M. Georges Ohnet, it's so well written. I wonder if you know the +_Maître des Forges_, which I like even better than _Serge Panine_." + +"Pardon me," said Swann with polite irony, "but I can assure you that my +want of admiration is almost equally divided between those masterpieces." + +"Really, now; that's very interesting. And what don't you like about them? +Won't you ever change your mind? Perhaps you think he's a little too sad. +Well, well, what I always say is, one should never argue about plays or +novels. Everyone has his own way of looking at things, and what may be +horrible to you is, perhaps, just what I like best." + +She was interrupted by Forcheville's addressing Swann. What had happened +was that, while Mme. Cottard was discussing _Francillon_, Forcheville had +been expressing to Mme. Verdurin his admiration for what he called the +"little speech" of the painter. "Your friend has such a flow of language, +such a memory!" he had said to her when the painter had come to a +standstill, "I've seldom seen anything like it. He'd make a first-rate +preacher. By Jove, I wish I was like that. What with him and M. Bréchot +you've drawn two lucky numbers to-night; though I'm not so sure that, +simply as a speaker, this one doesn't knock spots off the Professor. It +comes more naturally with him, less like reading from a book. Of course, +the way he goes on, he does use some words that are a bit realistic, and +all that; but that's quite the thing nowadays; anyhow, it's not often I've +seen a man hold the floor as cleverly as that, 'hold the spittoon,' as we +used to say in the regiment, where, by the way, we had a man he rather +reminds me of. You could take anything you liked--I don't know what--this +glass, say; and he'd talk away about it for hours; no, not this glass; +that's a silly thing to say, I'm sorry; but something a little bigger, +like the battle of Waterloo, or anything of that sort, he'd tell you +things you simply wouldn't believe. Why, Swann was in the regiment then; +he must have known him." + +"Do you see much of M. Swann?" asked Mme. Verdurin. + +"Oh dear, no!" he answered, and then, thinking that if he made himself +pleasant to Swann he might find favour with Odette, he decided to take +this opportunity of flattering him by speaking of his fashionable friends, +but speaking as a man of the world himself, in a tone of good-natured +criticism, and not as though he were congratulating Swann upon some +undeserved good fortune: "Isn't that so, Swann? I never see anything of +you, do I?--But then, where on earth is one to see him? The creature +spends all his time shut up with the La Trémoïlles, with the Laumes and +all that lot!" The imputation would have been false at any time, and was +all the more so, now that for at least a year Swann had given up going to +almost any house but the Verdurins'. But the mere names of families whom +the Verdurins did not know were received by them in a reproachful silence. +M. Verdurin, dreading the painful impression which the mention of these +'bores,' especially when flung at her in this tactless fashion, and in +front of all the 'faithful,' was bound to make on his wife, cast a covert +glance at her, instinct with anxious solicitude. He saw then that in her +fixed resolution to take no notice, to have escaped contact, altogether, +with the news which had just been addressed to her, not merely to remain +dumb but to have been deaf as well, as we pretend to be when a friend who +has been in the wrong attempts to slip into his conversation some excuse +which we should appear to be accepting, should we appear to have heard it +without protesting, or when some one utters the name of an enemy, the very +mention of whom in our presence is forbidden; Mme. Verdurin, so that her +silence should have the appearance, not of consent but of the unconscious +silence which inanimate objects preserve, had suddenly emptied her face of +all life, of all mobility; her rounded forehead was nothing, now, but an +exquisite study in high relief, which the name of those La Trémoïlles, +with whom Swann was always 'shut up,' had failed to penetrate; her nose, +just perceptibly wrinkled in a frown, exposed to view two dark cavities +that were, surely, modelled from life. You would have said that her +half-opened lips were just about to speak. It was all no more, however, +than a wax cast, a mask in plaster, the sculptor's design for a monument, +a bust to be exhibited in the Palace of Industry, where the public would +most certainly gather in front of it and marvel to see how the sculptor, +in expressing the unchallengeable dignity of the Verdurins, as opposed to +that of the La Trémoïlles or Laumes, whose equals (if not, indeed, their +betters) they were, and the equals and betters of all other 'bores' upon +the face of the earth, had managed to invest with a majesty that was +almost Papal the whiteness and rigidity of his stone. But the marble at +last grew animated and let it be understood that it didn't do to be at all +squeamish if one went to that house, since the woman was always tipsy and +the husband so uneducated that he called a corridor a 'collidor'! + +"You'd need to pay me a lot of money before I'd let any of that lot set +foot inside my house," Mme. Verdurin concluded, gazing imperially down on +Swann. + +She could scarcely have expected him to capitulate so completely as to +echo the holy simplicity of the pianist's aunt, who at once exclaimed: "To +think of that, now! What surprises me is that they can get anybody to go +near them; I'm sure I should be afraid; one can't be too careful. How can +people be so common as to go running after them?" + +But he might, at least, have replied, like Forcheville: "Gad, she's a +duchess; there are still plenty of people who are impressed by that sort +of thing," which would at least have permitted Mme. Verdurin the final +retort, "And a lot of good may it do them!" Instead of which, Swann merely +smiled, in a manner which shewed, quite clearly, that he could not, of +course, take such an absurd suggestion seriously. M. Verdurin, who was +still casting furtive and intermittent glances at his wife, could see with +regret, and could understand only too well that she was now inflamed with +the passion of a Grand Inquisitor who cannot succeed in stamping out a +heresy; and so, in the hope of bringing Swann round to a retractation (for +the courage of one's opinions is always a form of calculating cowardice in +the eyes of the 'other side'), he broke in: + +"Tell us frankly, now, what you think of them yourself. We shan't repeat +it to them, you may be sure." + +To which Swann answered: "Why, I'm not in the least afraid of the Duchess +(if it is of the La Trémoïlles that you're speaking). I can assure you +that everyone likes going to see her. I don't go so far as to say that +she's at all 'deep'--" he pronounced the word as if it meant something +ridiculous, for his speech kept the traces of certain mental habits which +the recent change in his life, a rejuvenation illustrated by his passion +for music, had inclined him temporarily to discard, so that at times he +would actually state his views with considerable warmth--"but I am quite +sincere when I say that she is intelligent, while her husband is +positively a bookworm. They are charming people." + +His explanation was terribly effective; Mme. Verdurin now realised that +this one state of unbelief would prevent her 'little nucleus' from ever +attaining to complete unanimity, and was unable to restrain herself, in +her fury at the obstinacy of this wretch who could not see what anguish +his words were causing her, but cried aloud, from the depths of her +tortured heart, "You may think so if you wish, but at least you need not +say so to us." + +"It all depends upon what you call intelligence." Forcheville felt that it +was his turn to be brilliant. "Come now, Swann, tell us what you mean by +intelligence." + +"There," cried Odette, "that's one of the big things I beg him to tell me +about, and he never will." + +"Oh, but..." protested Swann. + +"Oh, but nonsense!" said Odette. + +"A water-butt?" asked the Doctor. + +"To you," pursued Forcheville, "does intelligence mean what they call +clever talk; you know, the sort of people who worm their way into +society?" + +"Finish your sweet, so that they can take your plate away!" said Mme. +Verdurin sourly to Saniette, who was lost in thought and had stopped +eating. And then, perhaps a little ashamed of her rudeness, "It doesn't +matter; take your time about it; there's no hurry; I only reminded you +because of the others, you know; it keeps the servants back." + +"There is," began Brichot, with a resonant smack upon every syllable, "a +rather curious definition of intelligence by that pleasing old anarchist +Fénelon..." + +"Just listen to this!" Mme. Verdurin rallied Forcheville and the Doctor. +"He's going to give us Fénelon's definition of intelligence. That's +interesting. It's not often you get a chance of hearing that!" + +But Brichot was keeping Fénelon's definition until Swann should have given +his own. Swann remained silent, and, by this fresh act of recreancy, +spoiled the brilliant tournament of dialectic which Mme. Verdurin was +rejoicing at being able to offer to Forcheville. + +"You see, it's just the same as with me!" Odette was peevish. "I'm not at +all sorry to see that I'm not the only one he doesn't find quite up to his +level." + +"These de La Trémouailles whom Mme. Verdurin has exhibited to us as so +little to be desired," inquired Brichot, articulating vigorously, "are +they, by any chance, descended from the couple whom that worthy old snob, +Sévigné, said she was delighted to know, because it was so good for her +peasants? True, the Marquise had another reason, which in her case +probably came first, for she was a thorough journalist at heart, and +always on the look-out for 'copy.' And, in the journal which she used to +send regularly to her daughter, it was Mme. de La Trémouaille, kept +well-informed through all her grand connections, who supplied the foreign +politics." + +"Oh dear, no. I'm quite sure they aren't the same family," said Mme. +Verdurin desperately. + +Saniette who, ever since he had surrendered his untouched plate to the +butler, had been plunged once more in silent meditation, emerged finally +to tell them, with a nervous laugh, a story of how he had once dined with +the Duc de La Trémoïlle, the point of which was that the Duke did not know +that George Sand was the pseudonym of a woman. Swann, who really liked +Saniette, felt bound to supply him with a few facts illustrative of the +Duke's culture, which would prove that such ignorance on his part was +literally impossible; but suddenly he stopped short; he had realised, as +he was speaking, that Saniette needed no proof, but knew already that the +story was untrue for the simple reason that he had at that moment invented +it. The worthy man suffered acutely from the Verdurins' always finding him +so dull; and as he was conscious of having been more than ordinarily +morose this evening, he had made up his mind that he would succeed in +being amusing, at least once, before the end of dinner. He surrendered so +quickly, looked so wretched at the sight of his castle in ruins, and +replied in so craven a tone to Swann, appealing to him not to persist in a +refutation which was already superfluous, "All right; all right; anyhow, +even if I have made a mistake that's not a crime, I hope," that Swann +longed to be able to console him by insisting that the story was +indubitably true and exquisitely funny. The Doctor, who had been +listening, had an idea that it was the right moment to interject "_Se non +è vero_," but he was not quite certain of the words, and was afraid of +being caught out. + +After dinner, Forcheville went up to the Doctor. "She can't have been at +all bad looking, Mme. Verdurin; anyhow, she's a woman you can really talk +to; that's all I want. Of course she's getting a bit broad in the beam. +But Mme. de Crécy! There's a little woman who knows what's what, all +right. Upon my word and soul, you can see at a glance she's got the +American eye, that girl has. We are speaking of Mme. de Crécy," he +explained, as M. Verdurin joined them, his pipe in his mouth. "I should +say that, as a specimen of the female form--" + +"I'd rather have it in my bed than a clap of thunder!" the words came +tumbling from Cottard, who had for some time been waiting in vain until +Forcheville should pause for breath, so that he might get in his hoary old +joke, a chance for which might not, he feared, come again, if the +conversation should take a different turn; and he produced it now with +that excessive spontaneity and confidence which may often be noticed +attempting to cover up the coldness, and the slight flutter of emotion, +inseparable from a prepared recitation. Forcheville knew and saw the joke, +and was thoroughly amused. As for M. Verdurin, he was unsparing of his +merriment, having recently discovered a way of expressing it by a symbol, +different from his wife's, but equally simple and obvious. Scarcely had he +begun the movement of head and shoulders of a man who was 'shaking with +laughter' than he would begin also to cough, as though, in laughing too +violently, he had swallowed a mouthful of smoke from his pipe. And by +keeping the pipe firmly in his mouth he could prolong indefinitely the +dumb-show of suffocation and hilarity. So he and Mme. Verdurin (who, at +the other side of the room, where the painter was telling her a story, was +shutting her eyes preparatory to flinging her face into her hands) +resembled two masks in a theatre, each representing Comedy, but in a +different way. + +M. Verdurin had been wiser than he knew in not taking his pipe out of his +mouth, for Cottard, having occasion to leave the room for a moment, +murmured a witty euphemism which he had recently acquired and repeated now +whenever he had to go to the place in question: "I must just go and see +the Duc d'Aumale for a minute," so drolly, that M. Verdurin's cough began +all over again. + +"Now, then, take your pipe out of your mouth; can't you see, you'll choke +if you try to bottle up your laughter like that," counselled Mme. +Verdurin, as she came round with a tray of liqueurs. + +"What a delightful man your husband is; he has the wit of a dozen!" +declared Forcheville to Mme. Cottard. "Thank you, thank you, an old +soldier like me can never say 'No' to a drink." + +"M. de Forcheville thinks Odette charming," M. Verdurin told his wife. + +"Why, do you know, she wants so much to meet you again some day at +luncheon. We must arrange it, but don't on any account let Swann hear +about it. He spoils everything, don't you know. I don't mean to say that +you're not to come to dinner too, of course; we hope to see you very +often. Now that the warm weather's coming, we're going to have dinner out +of doors whenever we can. That won't bore you, will it, a quiet little +dinner, now and then, in the Bois? Splendid, splendid, that will be quite +delightful. ... + +"Aren't you going to do any work this evening, I say?" she screamed +suddenly to the little pianist, seeing an opportunity for displaying, +before a 'newcomer' of Forcheville's importance, at once her unfailing wit +and her despotic power over the 'faithful.' + +"M. de Forcheville was just going to say something dreadful about you," +Mme. Cottard warned her husband as he reappeared in the room. And he, +still following up the idea of Forcheville's noble birth, which had +obsessed him all through dinner, began again with: "I am treating a +Baroness just now, Baroness Putbus; weren't there some Putbuses in the +Crusades? Anyhow they've got a lake in Pomerania that's ten times the size +of the Place de la Concorde. I am treating her for dry arthritis; she's a +charming woman. Mme. Verdurin knows her too, I believe." + +Which enabled Forcheville, a moment later, finding himself alone with Mme. +Cottard, to complete his favourable verdict on her husband with: "He's an +interesting man, too; you can see that he knows some good people. Gad! but +they get to know a lot of things, those doctors." + +"D'you want me to play the phrase from the sonata for M. Swann?" asked the +pianist. + +"What the devil's that? Not the sonata-snake, I hope!" shouted M. de +Forcheville, hoping to create an effect. But Dr. Cottard, who had never +heard this pun, missed the point of it, and imagined that M. de +Forcheville had made a mistake. He dashed in boldly to correct it: "No, +no. The word isn't _serpent-à-sonates_, it's _serpent-à-sonnettes_!" he +explained in a tone at once zealous, impatient, and triumphant. + +Forcheville explained the joke to him. The Doctor blushed. + +"You'll admit it's not bad, eh, Doctor?" + +"Oh! I've known it for ages." + +Then they were silenced; heralded by the waving tremolo of the +violin-part, which formed a bristling bodyguard of sound two octaves above +it--and as in a mountainous country, against the seeming immobility of a +vertically falling torrent, one may distinguish, two hundred feet below, +the tiny form of a woman walking in the valley--the little phrase had just +appeared, distant but graceful, protected by the long, gradual unfurling +of its transparent, incessant and sonorous curtain. And Swann, in his +heart of hearts, turned to it, spoke to it as to a confidant in the secret +of his love, as to a friend of Odette who would assure him that he need +pay no attention to this Forcheville. + +"Ah! you've come too late!" Mme. Verdurin greeted one of the 'faithful,' +whose invitation had been only 'to look in after dinner,' "we've been +having a simply incomparable Brichot! You never heard such eloquence! But +he's gone. Isn't that so, M. Swann? I believe it's the first time you've +met him," she went on, to emphasize the fact that it was to her that Swann +owed the introduction. "Isn't that so; wasn't he delicious, our Brichot?" + +Swann bowed politely. + +"No? You weren't interested?" she asked dryly. + +"Oh, but I assure you, I was quite enthralled. He is perhaps a little too +peremptory, a little too jovial for my taste. I should like to see him a +little less confident at times, a little more tolerant, but one feels that +he knows a great deal, and on the whole he seems a very sound fellow." + +The party broke up very late. Cottard's first words to his wife were: "I +have rarely seen Mme. Verdurin in such form as she was to-night." + +"What exactly is your Mme. Verdurin? A bit of a bad hat, eh?" said +Forcheville to the painter, to whom he had offered a 'lift.' Odette +watched his departure with regret; she dared not refuse to let Swann take +her home, but she was moody and irritable in the carriage, and, when he +asked whether he might come in, replied, "I suppose so," with an impatient +shrug of her shoulders. When they had all gone, Mme. Verdurin said to her +husband: "Did you notice the way Swann laughed, such an idiotic laugh, +when we spoke about Mme. La Trémoïlle?" + +She had remarked, more than once, how Swann and Forcheville suppressed the +particle 'de' before that lady's name. Never doubting that it was done on +purpose, to shew that they were not afraid of a title, she had made up her +mind to imitate their arrogance, but had not quite grasped what +grammatical form it ought to take. Moreover, the natural corruptness of +her speech overcoming her implacable republicanism, she still said +instinctively "the de La Trémoïlles," or, rather (by an abbreviation +sanctified by the usage of music-hall singers and the writers of the +'captions' beneath caricatures, who elide the 'de'), "the d'La +Trémoïlles," but she corrected herself at once to "Madame La +Trémoïlle.--The _Duchess_, as Swann calls her," she added ironically, with +a smile which proved that she was merely quoting, and would not, herself, +accept the least responsibility for a classification so puerile and +absurd. + +"I don't mind saying that I thought him extremely stupid." + +M. Verdurin took it up. "He's not sincere. He's a crafty customer, always +hovering between one side and the other. He's always trying to run with +the hare and hunt with the hounds. What a difference between him and +Forcheville. There, at least, you have a man who tells you straight out +what he thinks. Either you agree with him or you don't. Not like the other +fellow, who's never definitely fish or fowl. Did you notice, by the way, +that Odette seemed all out for Forcheville, and I don't blame her, either. +And then, after all, if Swann tries to come the man of fashion over us, +the champion of distressed Duchesses, at any rate the other man has got a +title; he's always Comte de Forcheville!" he let the words slip delicately +from his lips, as though, familiar with every page of the history of that +dignity, he were making a scrupulously exact estimate of its value, in +relation to others of the sort. + +"I don't mind saying," Mme. Verdurin went on, "that he saw fit to utter +some most venomous, and quite absurd insinuations against Brichot. +Naturally, once he saw that Brichot was popular in this house, it was a +way of hitting back at us, of spoiling our party. I know his sort, the +dear, good friend of the family, who pulls you all to pieces on the stairs +as he's going away." + +"Didn't I say so?" retorted her husband. "He's simply a failure; a poor +little wretch who goes through life mad with jealousy of anything that's +at all big." + +Had the truth been known, there was not one of the 'faithful' who was not +infinitely more malicious than Swann; but the others would all take the +precaution of tempering their malice with obvious pleasantries, with +little sparks of emotion and cordiality; while the least indication of +reserve on Swann's part, undraped in any such conventional formula as "Of +course, I don't want to say anything--" to which he would have scorned to +descend, appeared to them a deliberate act of treachery. There are certain +original and distinguished authors in whom the least 'freedom of speech' +is thought revolting because they have not begun by flattering the public +taste, and serving up to it the commonplace expressions to which it is +used; it was by the same process that Swann infuriated M. Verdurin. In +his case as in theirs it was the novelty of his language which led his +audience to suspect the blackness of his designs. + +Swann was still unconscious of the disgrace that threatened him at the +Verdurins', and continued to regard all their absurdities in the most rosy +light, through the admiring eyes of love. + +As a rule he made no appointments with Odette except for the evenings; he +was afraid of her growing tired of him if he visited her during the day as +well; at the same time he was reluctant to forfeit, even for an hour, the +place that he held in her thoughts, and so was constantly looking out for +an opportunity of claiming her attention, in any way that would not be +displeasing to her. If, in a florist's or a jeweller's window, a plant or +an ornament caught his eye, he would at once think of sending them to +Odette, imagining that the pleasure which the casual sight of them had +given him would instinctively be felt, also, by her, and would increase +her affection for himself; and he would order them to be taken at once to +the Rue La pérouse, so as to accelerate the moment in which, as she +received an offering from him, he might feel himself, in a sense, +transported into her presence. He was particularly anxious, always, that +she should receive these presents before she went out for the evening, so +that her sense of gratitude towards him might give additional tenderness +to her welcome when he arrived at the Verdurins', might even--for all he +knew--if the shopkeeper made haste, bring him a letter from her before +dinner, or herself, in person, upon his doorstep, come on a little +extraordinary visit of thanks. As in an earlier phase, when he had +experimented with the reflex action of anger and contempt upon her +character, he sought now by that of gratification to elicit from her fresh +particles of her intimate feelings, which she had never yet revealed. + +Often she was embarrassed by lack of money, and under pressure from a +creditor would come to him for assistance. He enjoyed this, as he enjoyed +everything which could impress Odette with his love for herself, or merely +with his influence, with the extent of the use that she might make of him. +Probably if anyone had said to him, at the beginning, "It's your position +that attracts her," or at this stage, "It's your money that she's really +in love with," he would not have believed the suggestion, nor would he +have been greatly distressed by the thought that people supposed her to be +attached to him, that people felt them, to be united by any ties so +binding as those of snobbishness or wealth. But even if he had accepted +the possibility, it might not have caused him any suffering to discover +that Odette's love for him was based on a foundation more lasting than +mere affection, or any attractive qualities which she might have found in +him; on a sound, commercial interest; an interest which would postpone for +ever the fatal day on which she might be tempted to bring their relations +to an end. For the moment, while he lavished presents upon her, and +performed all manner of services, he could rely on advantages not +contained in his person, or in his intellect, could forego the endless, +killing effort to make himself attractive. And this delight in being a +lover, in living by love alone, of the reality of which he was inclined to +be doubtful, the price which, in the long run, he must pay for it, as a +dilettante in immaterial sensations, enhanced its value in his eyes--as +one sees people who are doubtful whether the sight of the sea and the +sound of its waves are really enjoyable, become convinced that they +are, as also of the rare quality and absolute detachment of their own +taste, when they have agreed to pay several pounds a day for a room in an +hotel, from which that sight and that sound may be enjoyed. + +One day, when reflections of this order had brought him once again to the +memory of the time when some one had spoken to him of Odette as of a +'kept' woman, and when, once again, he had amused himself with contrasting +that strange personification, the 'kept' woman--an iridescent mixture of +unknown and demoniacal qualities, embroidered, as in some fantasy of +Gustave Moreau, with poison-dripping flowers, interwoven with precious +jewels--with that Odette upon whose face he had watched the passage of the +same expressions of pity for a sufferer, resentment of an act of +injustice, gratitude for an act of kindness, which he had seen, in earlier +days, on his own mother's face, and on the faces of friends; that Odette, +whose conversation had so frequently turned on the things that he himself +knew better than anyone, his collections, his room, his old servant, his +banker, who kept all his title-deeds and bonds;--the thought of the banker +reminded him that he must call on him shortly, to draw some money. And +indeed, if, during the current month, he were to come less liberally to +the aid of Odette in her financial difficulties than in the month before, +when he had given her five thousand francs, if he refrained from offering +her a diamond necklace for which she longed, he would be allowing her +admiration for his generosity to decline, that gratitude which had made +him so happy, and would even be running the risk of her imagining that his +love for her (as she saw its visible manifestations grow fewer) had itself +diminished. And then, suddenly, he asked himself whether that was not +precisely what was implied by 'keeping' a woman (as if, in fact, that idea +of 'keeping' could be derived from elements not at all mysterious nor +perverse, but belonging to the intimate routine of his daily life, such as +that thousand-franc note, a familiar and domestic object, torn in places +and mended with gummed paper, which his valet, after paying the household +accounts and the rent, had locked up hi a drawer in the old writing-desk +whence he had extracted it to send it, with four others, to Odette) and +whether it was not possible to apply to Odette, since he had known her +(for he never imagined for a moment that she could ever have taken a penny +from anyone else, before), that title, which he had believed so wholly +inapplicable to her, of 'kept' woman. He could not explore the idea +further, for a sudden access of that mental lethargy which was, with him, +congenital, intermittent and providential, happened, at that moment, to +extinguish every particle of light in his brain, as instantaneously as, at +a later period, when electric lighting had been everywhere installed, it +became possible, merely by fingering a switch, to cut off all the supply +of light from a house. His mind fumbled, for a moment, in the darkness, +he took off his spectacles, wiped the glasses, passed his hands over his +eyes, but saw no light until he found himself face to face with a wholly +different idea, the realisation that he must endeavour, in the coming +month, to send Odette six or seven thousand-franc notes instead of five, +simply as a surprise for her and to give her pleasure. + +In the evening, when he did not stay at home until it was time to meet +Odette at the Verdurins', or rather at one of the open-air restaurants +which they liked to frequent in the Bois and especially at Saint-Cloud, he +would go to dine in one of those fashionable houses in which, at one time, +he had been a constant guest. He did not wish to lose touch with people +who, for all that he knew, might be of use, some day, to Odette, and +thanks to whom he was often, in the meantime, able to procure for her some +privilege or pleasure. Besides, he had been used for so long to the +refinement and comfort of good society that, side by side with his +contempt, there had grown up also a desperate need for it, with the result +that, when he had reached the point after which the humblest lodgings +appeared to him as precisely on a par with the most princely mansions, his +senses were so thoroughly accustomed to the latter that he could not enter +the former without a feeling of acute discomfort. He had the same +regard--to a degree of identity which they would never have suspected--for +the little families with small incomes who asked him to dances in their +flats ("straight upstairs to the fifth floor, and the door on the left") +as for the Princesse de Parme, who gave the most splendid parties in +Paris; but he had not the feeling of being actually 'at the ball' when he +found himself herded with the fathers of families in the bedroom of the +lady of the house, while the spectacle of wash-hand-stands covered over +with towels, and of beds converted into cloak-rooms, with a mass of hats +and great-coats sprawling over their counterpanes, gave him the same +stifling sensation that, nowadays, people who have been used for half a +lifetime to electric light derive from a smoking lamp or a candle that +needs to be snuffed. If he were dining out, he would order his carriage +for half-past seven; while he changed his clothes, he would be wondering, +all the time, about Odette, and in this way was never alone, for the +constant thought of Odette gave to the moments in which he was separated +from her the same peculiar charm as to those in which she was at his side. +He would get into his carriage and drive off, but he knew that this +thought had jumped in after him and had settled down upon his knee, like a +pet animal which he might take everywhere, and would keep with him at the +dinner-table, unobserved by his fellow-guests. He would stroke and fondle +it, warm himself with it, and, as a feeling of languor swept over him, +would give way to a slight shuddering movement which contracted his throat +and nostrils--a new experience, this,--as he fastened the bunch of +columbines in his buttonhole. He had for some time been feeling neither +well nor happy, especially since Odette had brought Forcheville to the +Verdurins', and he would have liked to go away for a while to rest in the +country. But he could never summon up courage to leave Paris, even for a +day, while Odette was there. The weather was warm; it was the finest part +of the spring. And for all that he was driving through a city of stone to +immure himself in a house without grass or garden, what was incessantly +before his eyes was a park which he owned, near Combray, where, at four in +the afternoon, before coming to the asparagus-bed, thanks to the breeze +that was wafted across the fields from Méséglise, he could enjoy the +fragrant coolness of the air as well beneath an arbour of hornbeams in the +garden as by the bank of the pond, fringed with forget-me-not and iris; +and where, when he sat down to dinner, trained and twined by the +gardener's skilful hand, there ran all about his table currant-bush and +rose. + +After dinner, if he had an early appointment in the Bois or at +Saint-Cloud, he would rise from table and leave the house so +abruptly--especially if it threatened to rain, and so to scatter the +'faithful' before their normal time--that on one occasion the Princesse +des Laumes (at whose house dinner had been so late that Swann had left +before the coffee came in, to join the Verdurins on the Island in the +Bois) observed: + +"Really, if Swann were thirty years older, and had diabetes, there might +be some excuse for his running away like that. He seems to look upon us +all as a joke." + +He persuaded himself that the spring-time charm, which he could not go +down to Combray to enjoy, he would find at least on the He des Cygnes or +at Saint-Cloud. But as he could think only of Odette, he would return home +not knowing even if he had tasted the fragrance of the young leaves, or if +the moon had been shining. He would be welcomed by the little phrase from +the sonata, played in the garden on the restaurant piano. If there was +none in the garden, the Verdurins would have taken immense pains to have a +piano brought out either from a private room or from the restaurant +itself; not because Swann was now restored to favour; far from it. But the +idea of arranging an ingenious form of entertainment for some one, even +for some one whom they disliked, would stimulate them, during the time +spent in its preparation, to a momentary sense of cordiality and +affection. Now and then he would remind himself that another fine spring +evening was drawing to a close, and would force himself to notice the +trees and the sky. But the state of excitement into which Odette's +presence never failed to throw him, added to a feverish ailment which, for +some time now, had scarcely left him, robbed him of that sense of quiet +and comfort which is an indispensable background to the impressions that +we derive from nature. + +One evening, when Swann had consented to dine with the Verdurins, and had +mentioned during dinner that he had to attend, next day, the annual +banquet of an old comrades' association, Odette had at once exclaimed +across the table, in front of everyone, in front of Forcheville, who was +now one of the 'faithful,' in front of the painter, in front of Cottard: + +"Yes, I know, you have your banquet to-morrow; I sha'n't see you, then, +till I get home; don't be too late." + +And although Swann had never yet taken offence, at all seriously, at +Odette's demonstrations of friendship for one or other of the 'faithful,' +he felt an exquisite pleasure on hearing her thus avow, before them all, +with that calm immodesty, the fact that they saw each other regularly +every evening, his privileged position in her house, and her own +preference for him which it implied. It was true that Swann had often +reflected that Odette was in no way a remarkable woman; and in the +supremacy which he wielded over a creature so distinctly inferior to +himself there was nothing that especially flattered him when he heard it +proclaimed to all the 'faithful'; but since he had observed that, to +several other men than himself, Odette seemed a fascinating and desirable +woman, the attraction which her body held for him had aroused a painful +longing to secure the absolute mastery of even the tiniest particles of +her heart. And he had begun to attach an incalculable value to those +moments passed in her house in the evenings, when he held her upon his +knee, made her tell him what she thought about this or that, and counted +over that treasure to which, alone of all his earthly possessions, he +still clung. And so, after this dinner, drawing her aside, he took care to +thank her effusively, seeking to indicate to her by the extent of his +gratitude the corresponding intensity of the pleasures which it was in her +power to bestow on him, the supreme pleasure being to guarantee him +immunity, for as long as his love should last and he remain vulnerable, +from the assaults of jealousy. + +When he came away from his banquet, the next evening, it was pouring rain, +and he had nothing but his victoria. A friend offered to take him home in +a closed carriage, and as Odette, by the fact of her having invited him to +come, had given him an assurance that she was expecting no one else, he +could, with a quiet mind and an untroubled heart, rather than set off thus +in the rain, have gone home and to bed. But perhaps, if she saw that he +seemed not to adhere to his resolution to end every evening, without +exception, in her company, she might grow careless, and fail to keep free +for him just the one evening on which he particularly desired it. + +It was after eleven when he reached her door, and as he made his apology +for having been unable to come away earlier, she complained that it was +indeed very late; the storm had made her unwell, her head ached, and she +warned him that she would not let him stay longer than half an hour, that +at midnight she would send him away; a little while later she felt tired +and wished to sleep. + +"No cattleya, then, to-night?" he asked, "and I've been looking forward so +to a nice little cattleya." + +But she was irresponsive; saying nervously: "No, dear, no cattleya +tonight. Can't you see, I'm not well?" + +"It might have done you good, but I won't bother you." + +She begged him to put out the light before he went; he drew the curtains +close round her bed and left her. But, when he was in his own house again, +the idea suddenly struck him that, perhaps, Odette was expecting some one +else that evening, that she had merely pretended to be tired, that she had +asked him to put the light out only so that he should suppose that she was +going to sleep, that the moment he had left the house she had lighted it +again, and had reopened her door to the stranger who was to be her guest +for the night. He looked at his watch. It was about an hour and a half +since he had left her; he went out, took a cab, and stopped it close to +her house, in a little street running at right angles to that other +street, which lay at the back of her house, and along which he used to go, +sometimes, to tap upon her bedroom window, for her to let him in. He left +his cab; the streets were all deserted and dark; he walked a few yards and +came out almost opposite her house. Amid the glimmering blackness of all +the row of windows, the lights in which had long since been put out, he +saw one, and only one, from which overflowed, between the slats of its +shutters, dosed like a wine-press over its mysterious golden juice, the +light that filled the room within, a light which on so many evenings, as +soon as he saw it, far off, as he turned into the street, had rejoiced his +heart with its message: "She is there--expecting you," and now tortured +him with: "She is there with the man she was expecting." He must know who; +he tiptoed along by the wall until he reached the window, but between the +slanting bars of the shutters he could see nothing; he could hear, only, +in the silence of the night, the murmur of conversation. What agony he +suffered as he watched that light, in whose golden atmosphere were moving, +behind the closed sash, the unseen and detested pair, as he listened to +that murmur which revealed the presence of the man who had crept in after +his own departure, the perfidy of Odette, and the pleasures which she was +at that moment tasting with the stranger. + +And yet he was not sorry that he had come; the torment which had forced +him to leave his own house had lost its sharpness when it lost its +uncertainty, now that Odette's other life, of which he had had, at that +first moment, a sudden helpless suspicion, was definitely there, almost +within his grasp, before his eyes, in the full glare of the lamp-light, +caught and kept there, an unwitting prisoner, in that room into which, +when he would, he might force his way to surprise and seize it; or rather +he would tap upon the shutters, as he had often done when he had come +there very late, and by that signal Odette would at least learn that he +knew, that he had seen the light and had heard the voices; while he +himself, who a moment ago had been picturing her as laughing at him, as +sharing with that other the knowledge of how effectively he had been +tricked, now it was he that saw them, confident and persistent in their +error, tricked and trapped by none other than himself, whom they believed +to be a mile away, but who was there, in person, there with a plan, there +with the knowledge that he was going, in another minute, to tap upon the +shutter. And, perhaps, what he felt (almost an agreeable feeling) at that +moment was something more than relief at the solution of a doubt, at the +soothing of a pain; was an intellectual pleasure. If, since he had fallen +in love, things had recovered a little of the delicate attraction that +they had had for him long ago--though only when a light was shed upon them +by a thought, a memory of Odette--now it was another of the faculties, +prominent in the studious days of his youth, that Odette had quickened +with new life, the passion for truth, but for a truth which, too, was +interposed between himself and his mistress, receiving its light from her +alone, a private and personal truth the sole object of which (an +infinitely precious object, and one almost impersonal in its absolute +beauty) was Odette--Odette in her activities, her environment, her +projects, and her past. At every other period in his life, the little +everyday words and actions of another person had always seemed wholly +valueless to Swann; if gossip about such things were repeated to him, he +would dismiss it as insignificant, and while he listened it was only the +lowest, the most commonplace part of his mind that was interested; at such +moments he felt utterly dull and uninspired. But in this strange phase of +love the personality of another person becomes so enlarged, so deepened, +that the curiosity which he could now feel aroused in himself, to know the +least details of a woman's daily occupation, was the same thirst for +knowledge with which he had once studied history. And all manner of +actions, from which, until now, he would have recoiled in shame, such as +spying, to-night, outside a window, to-morrow, for all he knew, putting +adroitly provocative questions to casual witnesses, bribing servants, +listening at doors, seemed to him, now, to be precisely on a level with +the deciphering of manuscripts, the weighing of evidence, the +interpretation of old monuments, that was to say, so many different +methods of scientific investigation, each one having a definite +intellectual value and being legitimately employable in the search for +truth. + +As his hand stole out towards the shutters he felt a pang of shame at the +thought that Odette would now know that he had suspected her, that he had +returned, that he had posted himself outside her window. She had often +told him what a horror she had of jealous men, of lovers who spied. What +he was going to do would be extremely awkward, and she would detest him +for ever after, whereas now, for the moment, for so long as he refrained +from knocking, perhaps even in the act of infidelity, she loved him still. +How often is not the prospect of future happiness thus sacrificed to one's +impatient insistence upon an immediate gratification. But his desire to +know the truth was stronger, and seemed to him nobler than his desire for +her. He knew that the true story of certain events, which he would have +given his life to be able to reconstruct accurately and in full, was to be +read within that window, streaked with bars of light, as within the +illuminated, golden boards of one of those precious manuscripts, by whose +wealth of artistic treasures the scholar who consults them cannot remain +unmoved. He yearned for the satisfaction of knowing the truth which so +impassioned him in that brief, fleeting, precious transcript, on that +translucent page, so warm, so beautiful. And besides, the advantage which +he felt--which he so desperately wanted to feel--that he had over them, +lay perhaps not so much in knowing as in being able to shew them that he +knew. He drew himself up on tiptoe. He knocked. They had not heard; he +knocked again; louder; their conversation ceased. A man's voice--he +strained his ears to distinguish whose, among such of Odette's friends as +he knew, the voice could be--asked: + +"Who's that?" + +He could not be certain of the voice. He knocked once again. The window +first, then the shutters were thrown open. It was too late, now, to +retire, and since she must know all, so as not to seem too contemptible, +too jealous and inquisitive, he called out in a careless, hearty, +welcoming tone: + +"Please don't bother; I just happened to be passing, and saw the light. I +wanted to know if you were feeling better." + +He looked up. Two old gentlemen stood facing him, in the window, one of +them with a lamp in his hand; and beyond them he could see into the room, +a room that he had never seen before. Having fallen into the habit, When +he came late to Odette, of identifying her window by the fact that it was +the only one still lighted in a row of windows otherwise all alike, he had +been misled, this time, by the light, and had knocked at the window beyond +hers, in the adjoining house. He made what apology he could and hurried +home, overjoyed that the satisfaction of his curiosity had preserved their +love intact, and that, having feigned for so long, when in Odette's +company, a sort of indifference, he had not now, by a demonstration of +jealousy, given her that proof of the excess of his own passion which, in +a pair of lovers, fully and finally dispenses the recipient from the +obligation to love the other enough. He never spoke to her of this +misadventure, he ceased even to think of it himself. But now and then his +thoughts in their wandering course would come upon this memory where it +lay unobserved, would startle it into life, thrust it more deeply down +into his consciousness, and leave him aching with a sharp, far-rooted +pain. As though this had been a bodily pain, Swann's mind was powerless to +alleviate it; in the case of bodily pain, however, since it is independent +of the mind, the mind can dwell upon it, can note that it has diminished, +that it has momentarily ceased. But with this mental pain, the mind, +merely by recalling it, created it afresh. To determine not to think of it +was but to think of it still, to suffer from it still. And when, in +conversation with his friends, he forgot his sufferings, suddenly a word +casually uttered would make him change countenance as a wounded man does +when a clumsy hand has touched his aching limb. When he came away from +Odette, he was happy, he felt calm, he recalled the smile with which, in +gentle mockery, she had spoken to him of this man or of that, a smile +which was all tenderness for himself; he recalled the gravity of her head +which she seemed to have lifted from its axis to let it droop and fall, as +though against her will, upon his lips, as she had done on that first +evening in the carriage; her languishing gaze at him while she lay +nestling in his arms, her bended head seeming to recede between her +shoulders, as though shrinking from the cold. + +But then, at once, his jealousy, as it had been the shadow of his love, +presented him with the complement, with the converse of that new smile +with which she had greeted him that very evening,--with which, now, +perversely, she was mocking Swann while she tendered her love to another +--of that lowering of her head, but lowered now to fall on other lips, and +(but bestowed upon a stranger) of all the marks of affection that she had +shewn to him. And all these voluptuous memories which he bore away from +her house were, as one might say, but so many sketches, rough plans, like +the schemes of decoration which a designer submits to one in outline, +enabling Swann to form an idea of the various attitudes, aflame or faint +with passion, which she was capable of adopting for others. With the +result that he came to regret every pleasure that he tasted in her +company, every new caress that he invented (and had been so imprudent as +to point out to her how delightful it was), every fresh charm that he +found in her, for he knew that, a moment later, they would go to enrich +the collection of instruments in his secret torture-chamber. + +A fresh turn was given to the screw when Swann recalled a sudden +expression which he had intercepted, a few days earlier, and for the first +time, in Odette's eyes. It was after dinner at the Verdurins'. Whether it +was because Forcheville, aware that Saniette, his brother-in-law, was not +in favour with them, had decided to make a butt of him, and to shine at +his expense, or because he had been annoyed by some awkward remark which +Saniette had made to him, although it had passed unnoticed by the rest of +the party who knew nothing of whatever tactless allusion it might conceal, +or possibly because he had been for some time looking out for an +opportunity of securing the expulsion from the house of a fellow-guest who +knew rather too much about him, and whom he knew to be so nice-minded that +he himself could not help feeling embarrassed at times merely by his +presence in the room, Forcheville replied to Saniette's tactless utterance +with such a volley of abuse, going out of his way to insult him, +emboldened, the louder he shouted, by the fear, the pain, the entreaties +of his victim, that the poor creature, after asking Mme. Verdurin whether +he should stay and receiving no answer, had left the house in stammering +confusion and with tears in his eyes. Odette had looked on, impassive, at +this scene; but when the door had closed behind Saniette, she had forced +the normal expression of her face down, as the saying is, by several pegs, +so as to bring herself on to the same level of vulgarity as Forcheville; +her eyes had sparkled with a malicious smile of congratulation upon his +audacity, of ironical pity for the poor wretch who had been its victim; +she had darted at him a look of complicity in the crime, which so clearly +implied: "That's finished him off, or I'm very much mistaken. Did you see +what a fool he looked? He was actually crying," that Forcheville, when his +eyes met hers, sobered in a moment from the anger, or pretended anger with +which he was still flushed, smiled as he explained: "He need only have +made himself pleasant and he'd have been here still; a good scolding does +a man no harm, at any time." + +One day when Swann had gone out early in the afternoon to pay a call, and +had failed to find the person at home whom he wished to see, it occurred +to him to go, instead, to Odette, at an hour when, although he never went +to her house then as a rule, he knew that she was always at home, resting +or writing letters until tea-time, and would enjoy seeing her for a +moment, if it did not disturb her. The porter told him that he believed +Odette to be in; Swann rang the bell, thought that he heard a sound, that +he heard footsteps, but no one came to the door. Anxious and annoyed, he +went round to the other little street, at the back of her house, and stood +beneath her bedroom window; the curtains were drawn and he could see +nothing; he knocked loudly upon the pane, he shouted; still no one came. +He could see that the neighbours were staring at him. He turned away, +thinking that, after all, he had perhaps been mistaken in believing that +he heard footsteps; but he remained so preoccupied with the suspicion that +he could turn his mind to nothing else. After waiting for an hour, he +returned. He found her at home; she told him that she had been in the +house when he rang, but had been asleep; the bell had awakened her; she +had guessed that it must be Swann, and had run out to meet him, but he had +already gone. She had, of course, heard him knocking at the window. Swann +could at once detect in this story one of those fragments of literal truth +which liars, when taken by surprise, console themselves by introducing +into the composition of the falsehood which they have to invent, thinking +that it can be safely incorporated, and will lend the whole story an air +of verisimilitude. It was true that, when Odette had just done something +which she did not wish to disclose, she would take pains to conceal it in +a secret place in her heart. But as soon as she found herself face to face +with the man to whom she was obliged to lie, she became uneasy, all her +ideas melted like wax before a flame, her inventive and her reasoning +faculties were paralysed, she might ransack her brain but would find only +a void; still, she must say something, and there lay within her reach +precisely the fact which she had wished to conceal, which, being the +truth, was the one thing that had remained. She broke off from it a tiny +fragment, of no importance in itself, assuring herself that, after all, it +was the best thing to do, since it was a detail of the truth, and less +dangerous, therefore, than a falsehood. "At any rate, this is true," she +said to herself; "that's always something to the good; he may make +inquiries; he will see that this is true; it won't be this, anyhow, that +will give me away." But she was wrong; it was what gave her away; she had +not taken into account that this fragmentary detail of the truth had sharp +edges which could not: be made to fit in, except to those contiguous +fragments of the truth from which she had arbitrarily detached it, edges +which, whatever the fictitious details in which she might embed it, would +continue to shew, by their overlapping angles and by the gaps which she +had forgotten to fill, that its proper place was elsewhere. + +"She admits that she heard me ring, and then knock, that she knew it was +myself, that she wanted to see me," Swann thought to himself. "But that +doesn't correspond with the fact that she did not let me in." + +He did not, however, draw her attention to this inconsistency, for he +thought that, if left to herself, Odette might perhaps produce some +falsehood which would give him a faint indication of the truth; she spoke; +he did not interrupt her, he gathered up, with an eager and sorrowful +piety, the words that fell from her lips, feeling (and rightly feeling, +since she was hiding the truth behind them as she spoke) that, like the +veil of a sanctuary, they kept a vague imprint, traced a faint outline of +that infinitely precious and, alas, undiscoverable truth;--what she had +been doing, that afternoon, at three o'clock, when he had called,--a truth +of which he would never possess any more than these falsifications, +illegible and divine traces, a truth which would exist henceforward only +in the secretive memory of this creature, who would contemplate it in +utter ignorance of its value, but would never yield it up to him. It was +true that he had, now and then, a strong suspicion that Odette's daily +activities were not hi themselves passionately interesting, and that such +relations as she might have with other men did not exhale, naturally, in a +universal sense, or for every rational being, a spirit of morbid gloom +capable of infecting with fever or of inciting to suicide. He realised, at +such moments, that that interest, that gloom, existed in him only as a +malady might exist, and that, once he was cured of the malady, the actions +of Odette, the kisses that she might have bestowed, would become once +again as innocuous as those of countless other women. But the +consciousness that the painful curiosity with which Swann now studied them +had its origin only in himself was not enough to make him decide that it +was unreasonable to regard that curiosity as important, and to take every +possible step to satisfy it. Swann had, in fact, reached an age the +philosophy of which--supported, in his case, by the current philosophy of +the day, as well as by that of the circle in which he had spent most of +his life, the group that surrounded the Princesse des Laumes, in which +one's intelligence was understood to increase with the strength of one's +disbelief in everything, and nothing real and incontestable was to be +discovered, except the individual tastes of each of its members--is no +longer that of youth, but a positive, almost a medical philosophy, the +philosophy of men who, instead of fixing their aspirations upon external +objects, endeavour to separate from the accumulation of the years already +spent a definite residue of habits and passions which they can regard as +characteristic and permanent, and with which they will deliberately +arrange, before anything else, that the kind of existence which they +choose to adopt shall not prove inharmonious. Swann deemed it wise to +make allowance in his life for the suffering which he derived from not +knowing what Odette had done, just as he made allowance for the impetus +which a damp climate always gave to his eczema; to anticipate in his +budget the expenditure of a considerable sum on procuring, with regard to +the daily occupations of Odette, information the lack of which would make +him unhappy, just as he reserved a margin for the gratification of other +tastes from which he knew that pleasure was to be expected (at least, +before he had fallen in love) such as his taste for collecting things, or +for good cooking. + +When he proposed to take leave of Odette, and to return home, she begged +him to stay a little longer, and even detained him forcibly, seizing him +by the arm as he was opening the door to go. But he gave no thought to +that, for, among the crowd of gestures and speeches and other little +incidents which go to make up a conversation, it is inevitable that we +should pass (without noticing anything that arouses our interest) by those +that hide a truth for which our suspicions are blindly searching, whereas +we stop to examine others beneath which nothing lies concealed. She kept +on saying: "What a dreadful pity; you never by any chance come in the +afternoon, and the one time you do come then I miss you." He knew very +well that she was not sufficiently in love with him to be so keenly +distressed merely at having missed his visit, but as she was a +good-natured woman, anxious to give him pleasure, and often sorry when she +had done anything that annoyed him, he found it quite natural that she +should be sorry, on this occasion, that she had deprived him of that +pleasure of spending an hour in her company, which was so very great a +pleasure, if not to herself, at any rate to him. All the same, it was a +matter of so little importance that her air of unrelieved sorrow began at +length to bewilder him. She reminded him, even more than was usual, of the +faces of some of the women created by the painter of the Primavera.' She +had, at that moment, their downcast, heartbroken expression, which seems +ready to succumb beneath the burden of a grief too heavy to be borne, when +they are merely allowing the Infant Jesus to play with a pomegranate, or +watching Moses pour water into a trough. He had seen the same sorrow once +before on her face, but when, he could no longer say. Then, suddenly, he +remembered it; it was when Odette had lied, in apologising to Mme. +Verdurin on the evening after the dinner from which she had stayed away on +a pretext of illness, but really so that she might be alone with Swann. +Surely, even had she been the most scrupulous of women, she could hardly +have felt remorse for so innocent a lie. But the lies which Odette +ordinarily told were less innocent, and served to prevent discoveries +which might have involved her in the most terrible difficulties with one +or another of her friends. And so, when she lied, smitten with fear, +feeling herself to be but feebly armed for her defence, unconfident of +success, she was inclined to weep from sheer exhaustion, as children weep +sometimes when they have not slept. She knew, also, that her lie, as a +rule, was doing a serious injury to the man to whom she was telling it, +and that she might find herself at his mercy if she told it badly. +Therefore she felt at once humble and culpable in his presence. And when +she had to tell an insignificant, social lie its hazardous associations, +and the memories which it recalled, would leave her weak with a sense of +exhaustion and penitent with a consciousness of wrongdoing. + +What depressing lie was she now concocting for Swann's benefit, to give +her that pained expression, that plaintive voice, which seemed to falter +beneath the effort that she was forcing herself to make, and to plead for +pardon? He had an idea that it was not merely the truth about what had +occurred that afternoon that she was endeavouring to hide from him, but +something more immediate, something, possibly, which had not yet happened, +but might happen now at any time, and, when it did, would throw a light +upon that earlier event. At that moment, he heard the front-door bell +ring. Odette never stopped speaking, but her words dwindled into an +inarticulate moan. Her regret at not having seen Swann that afternoon, at +not having opened the door to him, had melted into a universal despair. + +He could hear the gate being closed, and the sound of a carriage, as +though some one were going away--probably the person whom Swann must on no +account meet--after being told that Odette was not at home. And then, +when he reflected that, merely by coming at an hour when he was not in the +habit of coming, he had managed to disturb so many arrangements of which +she did not wish him to know, he had a feeling of discouragement that +amounted, almost, to distress. But since he was in love with Odette, since +he was in the habit of turning all his thoughts towards her, the pity with +which he might have been inspired for himself he felt for her only, and +murmured: "Poor darling!" When finally he left her, she took up several +letters which were lying on the table, and asked him if he would be so +good as to post them for her. He walked along to the post-office, took the +letters from his pocket, and, before dropping each of them into the box, +scanned its address. They were all to tradesmen, except the last, which +was to Forcheville. He kept it in his hand. "If I saw what was in this," +he argued, "I should know what she calls him, what she says to him, +whether there really is anything between them. Perhaps, if I don't look +inside, I shall be lacking in delicacy towards Odette, since in this way +alone I can rid myself of a suspicion which is, perhaps, a calumny on her, +which must, in any case, cause her suffering, and which can never possibly +be set at rest, once the letter is posted." + +He left the post-office and went home, but he had kept the last letter in +his pocket. He lighted a candle, and held up close to its flame the +envelope which he had not dared to open. At first he could distinguish +nothing, but the envelope was thin, and by pressing it down on to the +stiff card which it enclosed he was able, through the transparent paper, +to read the concluding words. They were a coldly formal signature. If, +instead of its being himself who was looking at a letter addressed to +Forcheville, it had been Forcheville who had read a letter addressed to +Swann, he might have found words in it of another, a far more tender kind! +He took a firm hold of the card, which was sliding to and fro, the +envelope being too large for it and then, by moving it with his finger and +thumb, brought one line after another beneath the part of the envelope +where the paper was not doubled, through which alone it was possible to +read. + +In spite of all these manoeuvres he could not make it out clearly. Not +that it mattered, for he had seen enough to assure himself that the letter +was about some trifling incident of no importance, and had nothing at all +to do with love; it was something to do with Odette's uncle. Swann had +read quite plainly at the beginning of the line "I was right," but did not +understand what Odette had been right in doing, until suddenly a word +which he had not been able, at first, to decipher, came to light and made +the whole sentence intelligible: "I was right to open the door; it was my +uncle." To open the door! Then Forcheville had been there when Swann rang +the bell, and she had sent him away; hence the sound that Swann had heard. + +After that he read the whole letter; at the end she apologised for having +treated Forcheville with so little ceremony, and reminded him that he had +left his cigarette-case at her house, precisely what she had written to +Swann after one of his first visits. But to Swann she had added: "Why did +you not forget your heart also? I should never have let you have that +back." To Forcheville nothing of that sort; no allusion that could suggest +any intrigue between them. And, really, he was obliged to admit that in +all this business Forcheville had been worse treated than himself, since +Odette was writing to him to make him believe that her visitor had been an +uncle. From which it followed that he, Swann, was the man to whom she +attached importance, and for whose sake she had sent the other away. And +yet, if there had been nothing between Odette and Forcheville, why not +have opened the door at once, why have said, "I was right to open the +door; it was my uncle." Right? if she was doing nothing wrong at that +moment how could Forcheville possibly have accounted for her not opening +the door? For a time Swann stood still there, heartbroken, bewildered, and +yet happy; gazing at this envelope which Odette had handed to him without +a scruple, so absolute was her trust in his honour; through its +transparent window there had been disclosed to him, with the secret +history of an incident which he had despaired of ever being able to learn, +a fragment of the life of Odette, seen as through a narrow, luminous +incision, cut into its surface without her knowledge. Then his jealousy +rejoiced at the discovery, as though that jealousy had had an independent +existence, fiercely egotistical, gluttonous of every thing that would feed +its vitality, even at the expense of Swann himself. Now it had food in +store, and Swann could begin to grow uneasy afresh every evening, over the +visits that Odette had received about five o'clock, and could seek to +discover where Forcheville had been at that hour. For Swann's affection +for Odette still preserved the form which had been imposed on it, from the +beginning, by his ignorance of the occupations in which she passed her +days, as well as by the mental lethargy which prevented him from +supplementing that ignorance by imagination. He was not jealous, at first, +of the whole of Odette's life, but of those moments only in which an +incident, which he had perhaps misinterpreted, had led him to suppose that +Odette might have played him false. His jealousy, like an octopus which +throws out a first, then a second, and finally a third tentacle, fastened +itself irremovably first to that moment, five o'clock in the afternoon, +then to another, then to another again. But Swann was incapable of +inventing his sufferings. They were only the memory, the perpetuation of a +suffering that had come to him from without. + +From without, however, everything brought him fresh suffering. He decided +to separate Odette from Forcheville, by taking her away for a few days to +the south. But he imagined that she was coveted by every male person in +the hotel, and that she coveted them in return. And so he, who, in old +days, when he travelled, used always to seek out new people and crowded +places, might now be seen fleeing savagely from human society as if it had +cruelly injured him. And how could he not have turned misanthrope, when in +every man he saw a potential lover for Odette? Thus his jealousy did even +more than the happy, passionate desire which he had originally felt for +Odette had done to alter Swann's character, completely changing, in the +eyes of the world, even the outward signs by which that character had been +intelligible. + +A month after the evening on which he had intercepted and read Odette's +letter to Forcheville, Swann went to a dinner which the Verdurins were +giving in the Bois. As the party was breaking up he noticed a series of +whispered discussions between Mme. Verdurin and several of her guests, and +thought that he heard the pianist being reminded to come next day to a +party at Chatou; now he, Swann, had not been invited to any party. + +The Verdurins had spoken only in whispers, and in vague terms, but the +painter, perhaps without thinking, shouted out: "There must be no lights +of any sort, and he must play the Moonlight Sonata in the dark, for us to +see by." + +Mme. Verdurin, seeing that Swann was within earshot, assumed that +expression in which the two-fold desire to make the speaker be quiet and +to preserve, oneself, an appearance of guilelessness in the eyes of the +listener, is neutralised in an intense vacuity; in which the unflinching +signs of intelligent complicity are overlaid by the smiles of innocence, +an expression invariably adopted by anyone who has noticed a blunder, the +enormity of which is thereby at once revealed if not to those who have +made it, at any rate to him in whose hearing it ought not to have been +made. Odette seemed suddenly to be in despair, as though she had decided +not to struggle any longer against the crushing difficulties of life, and +Swann was anxiously counting the minutes that still separated him from the +point at which, after leaving the restaurant, while he drove her home, he +would be able to ask for an explanation, to make her promise, either that +she would not go to Chatou next day, or that she would procure an +invitation for him also, and to lull to rest in her arms the anguish that +still tormented him. At last the carriages were ordered. Mme. Verdurin +said to Swann: + +"Good-bye, then. We shall see you soon, I hope," trying, by the +friendliness of her manner and the constraint of her smile, to prevent him +from noticing that she Was not saying, as she would always have until +then: + +"To-morrow, then, at Chatou, and at my house the day after." M. and Mme. +Verdurin made Forcheville get into their carriage; Swann's was drawn up +behind it, and he waited for theirs to start before helping Odette into +his own. + +"Odette, we'll take you," said Mme. Verdurin, "we've kept a little corner +specially for you, beside M. de Forcheville." + +"Yes, Mme. Verdurin," said Odette meekly. + +"What! I thought I was to take you home," cried Swann, flinging discretion +to the winds, for the carriage-door hung open, time was precious, and he +could not, in his present state, go home without her. + +"But Mme. Verdurin has asked me..." + +"That's all right, you can quite well go home alone; we've left you like +this dozens of times," said Mme. Verdurin. + +"But I had something important to tell Mme. de Crécy." + +"Very well, you can write it to her instead." + +"Good-bye," said Odette, holding out her hand. + +He tried hard to smile, but could only succeed in looking utterly +dejected. + +"What do you think of the airs that Swann is pleased to put on with us?" +Mme. Verdurin asked her husband when they had reached home. "I was afraid +he was going to eat me, simply because we offered to take Odette back. It +really is too bad, that sort of thing. Why doesn't he say, straight out, +that we keep a disorderly house? I can't conceive how Odette can stand +such manners. He positively seems to be saying, all the time, 'You belong +to me!' I shall tell Odette exactly what I think about it all, and I hope +she will have the sense to understand me." A moment later she added, +inarticulate with rage: "No, but, don't you see, the filthy creature ..." +using unconsciously, and perhaps in satisfaction of the same obscure need +to justify herself--like Françoise at Combray when the chicken refused to +die--the very words which the last convulsions of an inoffensive animal in +its death agony wring from the peasant who is engaged in taking its life. +And when Mme. Verdurin's carriage had moved on, and Swann's took its +place, his coachman, catching sight of his face, asked whether he was +unwell, or had heard bad news. + +Swann sent him away; he preferred to walk, and it was on foot, through the +Bois, that he came home. He talked to himself, aloud, and in the same +slightly affected tone which he had been used to adopt when describing the +charms of the 'little nucleus' and extolling the magnanimity of the +Verdurins. But just as the conversation, the smiles, the kisses of Odette +became as odious to him as he had once found them charming, if they were +diverted to others than himself, so the Verdurins' drawing-room, which, +not an hour before, had still seemed to him amusing, inspired with a +genuine feeling for art and even with a sort of moral aristocracy, now +that it was another than himself whom Odette was going to meet there, to +love there without restraint, laid bare to him all its absurdities, its +stupidity, its shame. + +He drew a fanciful picture, at which he shuddered in disgust, of the party +next evening at Chatou. "Imagine going to Chatou, of all places! Like a +lot of drapers after closing time! Upon my word, these people are sublime +in their smugness; they can't really exist; they must all have come out of +one of Labiche's plays!" + +The Cottards would be there; possibly Brichot. "Could anything be more +grotesque than the lives of these little creatures, hanging on to one +another like that. They'd imagine they were utterly lost, upon my soul +they would, if they didn't all meet again to-morrow at _Chatou_!" Alas! +there would be the painter there also, the painter who enjoyed +match-making, who would invite Forcheville to come with Odette to his +studio. He could see Odette, in a dress far too smart for the country, +"for she is so vulgar in that way, and, poor little thing, she is such a +fool!" + +He could hear the jokes that Mme. Verdurin would make after dinner, jokes +which, whoever the 'bore' might be at whom they were aimed, had always +amused him because he could watch Odette laughing at them, laughing with +him, her laughter almost a part of his. Now he felt that it was possibly +at him that they would make Odette laugh. "What a fetid form of humour!" +he exclaimed, twisting his mouth into an expression of disgust so violent +that he could feel the muscles of his throat stiffen against his collar. +"How, in God's name, can a creature made in His image find anything to +laugh at in those nauseating witticisms? The least sensitive nose must be +driven away in horror from such stale exhalations. It is really impossible +to believe that any human being is incapable of understanding that, in +allowing herself merely to smile at the expense of a fellow-creature who +has loyally held out his hand to her, she is casting herself into a mire +from which it will be impossible, with the best will in the world, ever to +rescue her. I dwell so many miles above the puddles in which these filthy +little vermin sprawl and crawl and bawl their cheap obscenities, that I +cannot possibly be spattered by the witticisms of a Verdurin!" he cried, +tossing up his head and arrogantly straightening his body. "God knows that +I have honestly attempted to pull Odette out of that sewer, and to teach +her to breathe a nobler and a purer air. But human patience has its +limits, and mine is at an end," he concluded, as though this sacred +mission to tear Odette away from an atmosphere of sarcasms dated from +longer than a few minutes ago, as though he had not undertaken it only +since it had occurred to him that those sarcasms might, perchance, be +directed at himself, and might have the effect of detaching Odette from +him. + +He could see the pianist sitting down to play the Moonlight Sonata, and +the grimaces of Mme. Verdurin, in terrified anticipation of the wrecking +of her nerves by Beethoven's music. "Idiot, liar!" he shouted, "and a +creature like that imagines that she's fond of _Art_!" She would say to +Odette, after deftly insinuating a few words of praise for Forcheville, as +she had so often done for himself: "You can make room for M. de +Forcheville there, can't you, Odette?"... '"In the dark!' Codfish! +Pander!" ... 'Pander' was the name he applied also to the music which +would invite them to sit in silence, to dream together, to gaze in each +other's eyes, to feel for each other's hands. He felt that there was much +to be said, after all, for a sternly censorous attitude towards the arts, +such as Plato adopted, and Bossuet, and the old school of education in +France. + +In a word, the life which they led at the Verdurins', which he had so +often described as 'genuine,' seemed to him now the worst possible form of +life, and their 'little nucleus' the most degraded class of society. "It +really is," he repeated, "beneath the lowest rung of the social ladder, +the nethermost circle of Dante. Beyond a doubt, the august words of the +Florentine refer to the Verdurins! When one comes to think of it, surely +people 'in society' (and, though one may find fault with them now and +then, still, after all they are a very different matter from that gang of +blackmailers) shew a profound sagacity in refusing to know them, or even +to dirty the tips of their fingers with them. What a sound intuition there +is in that '_Noli me tangere_' motto of the Faubourg Saint-Germain." + +He had long since emerged from the paths and avenues of the Bois, he had +almost reached his own house, and still, for he had not yet thrown off the +intoxication of grief, or his whim of insincerity, but was ever more and +more exhilarated by the false intonation, the artificial sonority of his +own voice, he continued to perorate aloud in the silence of the night: +"People 'in society' have their failings, as no one knows better than I; +but, after all, they are people to whom some things, at least, are +impossible. So-and-so" (a fashionable woman whom he had known) "was far +from being perfect, but, after all, one did find in her a fundamental +delicacy, a loyalty in her conduct which made her, whatever happened, +incapable of a felony, which fixes a vast gulf between her and an old hag +like Verdurin. Verdurin! What a name! Oh, there's something complete about +them, something almost fine in their trueness to type; they're the most +perfect specimens of their disgusting class! Thank God, it was high time +that I stopped condescending to promiscuous intercourse with such infamy, +such dung." + +But, just as the virtues which he had still attributed, an hour or so +earlier, to the Verdurins, would not have sufficed, even although the +Verdurins had actually possessed them, if they had not also favoured and +protected his love, to excite Swann to that state of intoxication in which +he waxed tender over their magnanimity, an intoxication which, even when +disseminated through the medium of other persons, could have come to him +from Odette alone;--so the immorality (had it really existed) which he now +found in the Verdurins would have been powerless, if they had not invited +Odette with Forcheville and without him, to unstop the vials of his wrath +and to make him scarify their 'infamy.' Doubtless Swann's voice shewed a +finer perspicacity than his own when it refused to utter those words full +of disgust at the Verdurins and their circle, and of joy at his having +shaken himself free of it, save in an artificial and rhetorical tone, and +as though his words had been chosen rather to appease his anger than to +express his thoughts. The latter, in fact, while he abandoned himself to +invective, were probably, though he did not know it, occupied with a +wholly different matter, for once he had reached his house, no sooner had +he closed the front-door behind him than he suddenly struck his forehead, +and, making his servant open the door again, dashed out into the street +shouting, in a voice which, this time, was quite natural; "I believe I +have found a way of getting invited to the dinner at Chatou to-morrow!" +But it must have been a bad way, for M. Swann was not invited; Dr. +Cottard, who, having been summoned to attend a serious case in the +country, had not seen the Verdurins for some days, and had been prevented +from appearing at Chatou, said, on the evening after this dinner, as he +sat down to table at their house: + +"Why, aren't we going to see M. Swann this evening? He is quite what you +might call a personal friend..." "I sincerely trust that we sha'n't!" +cried Mme. Verdurin. "Heaven preserve us from him; he's too deadly for +words, a stupid, ill-bred boor." + +On hearing these words Cottard exhibited an intense astonishment blended +with entire submission, as though in the face of a scientific truth which +contradicted everything that he had previously believed, but was supported +by an irresistible weight of evidence; with timorous emotion he bowed his +head over his plate, and merely replied: "Oh--oh--oh--oh--oh!" traversing, +in an orderly retirement of his forces, into the depths of his being, +along a descending scale, the whole compass of his voice. After which +there was no more talk of Swann at the Verdurins'. + + - - - + +And so that drawing-room which had brought Swann and Odette together +became an obstacle in the way of their meeting. She no longer said to him, +as she had said in the early days of their love: "We shall meet, anyhow, +to-morrow evening; there's a supper-party at the Verdurins'," but "We +sha'n't be able to meet to-morrow evening; there's a supper-party at the +Verdurins'." Or else the Verdurins were taking her to the Opéra-Comique, +to see _Une Nuit de Cléopâtre_, and Swann could read in her eyes that +terror lest he should ask her not to go, which, but a little time before, +he could not have refrained from greeting with a kiss as it flitted across +the face of his mistress, but which now exasperated him. "Yet I'm not +really angry," he assured himself, "when I see how she longs to run away +and scratch from maggots in that dunghill of cacophony. I'm disappointed; +not for myself, but for her; disappointed to find that, after living for +more than six months in daily contact with myself, she has not been +capable of improving her mind even to the point of spontaneously +eradicating from it a taste for Victor Massé! More than that, to find that +she has not arrived at the stage of understanding that there are evenings +on which anyone with the least shade of refinement of feeling should be +willing to forego an amusement when she is asked to do so. She ought to +have the sense to say: 'I shall not go,' if it were only from policy, +since it is by what she answers now that the quality of her soul will be +determined once and for all." And having persuaded himself that it was +solely, after all, in order that he might arrive at a favourable estimate +of Odette's spiritual worth that he wished her to stay at home with him +that evening instead of going to the Opéra-Comique, he adopted the same +line of reasoning with her, with the same degree of insincerity as he had +used with himself, or even with a degree more, for in her case he was +yielding also to the desire to capture her by her own self-esteem. + +"I swear to you," he told her, shortly before she was to leave for the +theatre, "that, in asking you not to go, I should hope, were I a selfish +man, for nothing so much as that you should refuse, for I have a thousand +other things to do this evening, and I shall feel that I have been tricked +and trapped myself, and shall be thoroughly annoyed, if, after all, you +tell me that you are not going. But my occupations, my pleasures are not +everything; I must think of you also. A day may come when, seeing me +irrevocably sundered from you, you will be entitled to reproach me with +not having warned you at the decisive hour in which I felt that I was +going to pass judgment on you, one of those stern judgments which love +cannot long resist. You see, your _Nuit de Cléopâtre_ (what a title!) has +no bearing on the point. What I must know is whether you are indeed one of +those creatures in the lowest grade of mentality and even of charm, one of +those contemptible creatures who are incapable of foregoing a pleasure. +For if you are such, how could anyone love you, for you are not even a +person, a definite, imperfect, but at least perceptible entity. You are a +formless water that will trickle down any slope that it may come upon, a +fish devoid of memory, incapable of thought, which all its life long in +its aquarium will continue to dash itself, a hundred times a day, against +a wall of glass, always mistaking it for water. Do you realise that your +answer will have the effect--I do not say of making me cease from that +moment to love you, that goes without saying, but of making you less +attractive to my eyes when I realise that you are not a person, that you +are beneath everything in the world and have not the intelligence to raise +yourself one inch higher? Obviously, I should have preferred to ask you, +as though it had been a matter of little or no importance, to give up your +_Nuit de Cléopâtre_ (since you compel me to sully my lips with so abject a +name), in the hope that you would go to it none the less. But, since I had +resolved to weigh you in the balance, to make so grave an issue depend +upon your answer, I considered it more honourable to give you due +warning." + +Meanwhile, Odette had shewn signs of increasing emotion and uncertainty. +Although the meaning of his tirade was beyond her, she grasped that it was +to be included among the scenes of reproach or supplication, scenes which +her familiarity with the ways of men enabled her, without paying any heed +to the words that were uttered, to conclude that men would not make unless +they were in love; that, from the moment when they were in love, it was +superfluous to obey them, since they would only be more in love later on. +And so, she would have heard Swann out with the utmost tranquillity had +she not noticed that it was growing late, and that if he went on speaking +for any length of time she would "never" as she told him with a fond +smile, obstinate but slightly abashed, "get there in time for the +Overture." + +On other occasions he had assured himself that the one thing which, more +than anything else, would make him cease to love her, would be her refusal +to abandon the habit of lying. "Even from the point of view of coquetry, +pure and simple," he had told her, "can't you see how much of your +attraction you throw away when you stoop to lying? By a frank +admission--how many faults you might redeem! Really, you are far less +intelligent than I supposed!" In vain, however, did Swann expound to her +thus all the reasons that she had for not lying; they might have succeeded +in overthrowing any universal system of mendacity, but Odette had no such +system; she contented herself, merely, whenever she wished Swann to remain +in ignorance of anything that she had done, with not telling him of it. So +that a lie was, to her, something to be used only as a special expedient; +and the one thing that could make her decide whether she should avail +herself of a lie or not was a reason which, too, was of a special and +contingent order, namely the risk of Swann's discovering that she had not +told him the truth. + +Physically, she was passing through an unfortunate phase; she was growing +stouter, and the expressive, sorrowful charm, the surprised, wistful +expressions which she had formerly had, seemed to have vanished with her +first youth, with the result that she became most precious to Swann at the +very moment when he found her distinctly less good-looking. He would gaze +at her for hours on end, trying to recapture the charm which he had once +seen in her and could not find again. And yet the knowledge that, within +this new and strange chrysalis, it was still Odette that lurked, still the +same volatile temperament, artful and evasive, was enough to keep Swann +seeking, with as much passion as ever, to captivate her. Then he would +look at photographs of her, taken two years before, and would remember how +exquisite she had been. And that would console him, a little, for all the +sufferings that he voluntarily endured on her account. + +When the Verdurins took her off to Saint-Germain, or to Chatou, or to +Meulan, as often as not, if the weather was fine, they would propose to +remain there for the night, and not go home until next day. Mme. Verdurin +would endeavour to set at rest the scruples of the pianist, whose aunt had +remained in Paris: "She will be only too glad to be rid of you for a day. +How on earth could she be anxious, when she knows you're with us? Anyhow, +I'll take you all under my wing; she can put the blame on me." + +If this attempt failed, M. Verdurin would set off across country until he +came to a telegraph office or some other kind of messenger, after first +finding out which of the 'faithful' had anyone whom they must warn. But +Odette would thank him, and assure him that she had no message for anyone, +for she had told Swann, once and for all, that she could not possibly send +messages to him, before all those people, without compromising herself. +Sometimes she would be absent for several days on end, when the Verdurins +took her to see the tombs at Dreux, or to Compiègne, on the painter's +advice, to watch the sun setting through the forest--after which they went +on to the Château of Pierrefonds. + +"To think that she could visit really historic buildings with me, who have +spent ten years in the study of architecture, who am constantly bombarded, +by people who really count, to take them over Beauvais or +Saint-Loup-de-Naud, and refuse to take anyone but her; and instead of that +she trundles off with the lowest, the most brutally degraded of creatures, +to go into ecstasies over the petrified excretions of Louis-Philippe and +Viollet-le-Duc! One hardly needs much knowledge of art, I should say, to +do that; though, surely, even without any particularly refined sense of +smell, one would not deliberately choose to spend a holiday in the +latrines, so as to be within range of their fragrant exhalations." + +But when she had set off for Dreux or Pierrefonds--alas, without allowing +him to appear there, as though by accident, at her side, for, as she said, +that would "create a dreadful impression,"--he would plunge into the most +intoxicating romance in the lover's library, the railway timetable, from +which he learned the ways of joining her there in the afternoon, in the +evening, even in the morning. The ways? More than that, the authority, the +right to join her. For, after all, the time-table, and the trains +themselves, were not meant for dogs. If the public were carefully +informed, by means of printed advertisements, that at eight o'clock in the +morning a train started for Pierrefonds which arrived there at ten, that +could only be because going to Pierrefonds was a lawful act, for which +permission from Odette would be superfluous; an act, moreover, which might +be performed from a motive altogether different from the desire to see +Odette, since persons who had never even heard of her performed it daily, +and in such numbers as justified the labour and expense of stoking the +engines. + +So it came to this; that she could not prevent him from going to +Pierrefonds if he chose to do so. Now that was precisely what he found +that he did choose to do, and would at that moment be doing were he, like +the travelling public, not acquainted with Odette. For a long time past he +had wanted to form a more definite impression of Viollet-le-Duc's work as +a restorer. And the weather being what it was, he felt an overwhelming +desire to spend the day roaming in the forest of Compiègne. + +It was, indeed, a piece of bad luck that she had forbidden him access to +the one spot that tempted him to-day. To-day! Why, if he went down there, +in defiance of her prohibition, he would be able to see her that very day! +But then, whereas, if she had met, at Pierrefonds, some one who did not +matter, she would have hailed him with obvious pleasure: "What, you here?" +and would have invited him to come and see her at the hotel where she was +staying with the Verdurins, if, on the other hand, it was himself, Swann, +that she encountered there, she would be annoyed, would complain that she +was being followed, would love him less in consequence, might even turn +away in anger when she caught sight of him. "So, then, I am not to be +allowed to go away for a day anywhere!" she would reproach him on her +return, whereas in fact it was he himself who was not allowed to go. + +He had had the sudden idea, so as to contrive to visit Compiègne and +Pierrefonds without letting it be supposed that his object was to meet +Odette, of securing an invitation from one of his friends, the Marquis de +Forestelle, who had a country house in that neighbourhood. This friend, to +whom Swann suggested the plan without disclosing its ulterior purpose, was +beside himself with joy; he did not conceal his astonishment at Swann's +consenting at last, after fifteen years, to come down and visit his +property, and since he did not (he told him) wish to stay there, promised +to spend some days, at least, in taking him for walks and excursions in +the district. Swann imagined himself down there already with M. de +Forestelle. Even before he saw Odette, even if he did not succeed in +seeing her there, what a joy it would be to set foot on that soil where, +not knowing the exact spot in which, at any moment, she was to be found, +he would feel all around him the thrilling possibility of her suddenly +appearing: in the courtyard of the Château, now beautiful in his eyes +since it was on her account that he had gone to visit it; in all the +streets of the town, which struck him as romantic; down every ride of the +forest, roseate with the deep and tender glow of sunset;--innumerable and +alternative hiding-places, to which would fly simultaneously for refuge, +in the uncertain ubiquity of his hopes, his happy, vagabond and divided +heart. "We mustn't, on any account," he would warn M. de Forestelle, "run +across Odette and the Verdurins. I have just heard that they are at +Pierrefonds, of all places, to-day. One has plenty of time to see them in +Paris; it would hardly be worth while coming down here if one couldn't go +a yard without meeting them." And his host would fail to understand why, +once they had reached the place, Swann would change his plans twenty times +in an hour, inspect the dining-rooms of all the hotels in Compiègne +without being able to make up his mind to settle down in any of them, +although he had found no trace anywhere of the Verdurins, seeming to be in +search of what he had claimed to be most anxious to avoid, and would in +fact avoid, the moment he found it, for if he had come upon the little +'group,' he would have hastened away at once with studied indifference, +satisfied that he had seen Odette and she him, especially that she had +seen him when he was not, apparently, thinking about her. But no; she +would guess at once that it was for her sake that he had come there. And +when M. de Forestelle came to fetch him, and it was time to start, he +excused himself: "No, I'm afraid not; I can't go to Pierrefonds to-day. +You see, Odette is there." And Swann was happy in spite of everything in +feeling that if he, alone among mortals, had not the right to go to +Pierrefonds that day, it was because he was in fact, for Odette, some one +who differed from all other mortals, her lover; and because that +restriction which for him alone was set upon the universal right to travel +freely where one would, was but one of the many forms of that slavery, +that love which was so dear to him. Decidedly, it was better not to risk a +quarrel with her, to be patient, to wait for her return. He spent his days +in poring over a map of the forest of Compiègne, as though it had been +that of the 'Pays du Tendre'; he surrounded himself with photographs of +the Château of Pierrefonds. When the day dawned on which it was possible +that she might return, he opened the time-table again, calculated what +train she must have taken, and, should she have postponed her departure, +what trains were still left for her to take. He did not leave the house, +for fear of missing a telegram, he did not go to bed, in case, having +come by the last train, she decided to surprise him with a midnight visit. +Yes! The front-door bell rang. There seemed some delay in opening the +door, he wanted to awaken the porter, he leaned out of the window to shout +to Odette, if it was Odette, for in spite of the orders which he had gone +downstairs a dozen times to deliver in person, they were quite capable of +telling her that he was not at home. It was only a servant coming in. He +noticed the incessant rumble of passing carriages, to which he had never +before paid any attention. He could hear them, one after another, a long +way off, coming nearer, passing his door without stopping, and bearing +away into the distance a message which was not for him. He waited all +night, to no purpose, for the Verdurins had returned unexpectedly, and +Odette had been in Paris since midday; it had not occurred to her to tell +him; not knowing what to do with herself she had spent the evening alone +at a theatre, had long since gone home to bed, and was peacefully asleep. + +As a matter of fact, she had never given him a thought. And such moments +as these, in which she forgot Swann's very existence, were of more value +to Odette, did more to attach him to her, than all her infidelities. For +in this way Swann was kept in that state of painful agitation which had +once before been effective in making his interest blossom into love, on +the night when he had failed to find Odette at the Verdurins' and had +hunted for her all evening. And he did not have (as I had, afterwards, at +Combray in my childhood) happy days in which to forget the sufferings that +would return with the night. For his days, Swann must pass them without +Odette; and as he told himself, now and then, to allow so pretty a woman +to go out by herself in Paris was just as rash as to leave a case filled +with jewels in the middle of the street. In this mood he would scowl +furiously at the passers-by, as though they were so many pickpockets. But +their faces--a collective and formless mass--escaped the grasp of his +imagination, and so failed to feed the flame of his jealousy. The effort +exhausted Swann's brain, until, passing his hand over his eyes, he cried +out: "Heaven help me!" as people, after lashing themselves into an +intellectual frenzy in their endeavours to master the problem of the +reality of the external world, or that of the immortality of the soul, +afford relief to their weary brains by an unreasoning act of faith. But +the thought of his absent mistress was incessantly, indissolubly blended +with all the simplest actions of Swann's daily life--when he took his +meals, opened his letters, went for a walk or to bed--by the fact of his +regret at having to perform those actions without her; like those initials +of Philibert the Fair which, in the church of Brou, because of her grief, +her longing for him, Margaret of Austria intertwined everywhere with her +own. On some days, instead of staying at home, he would go for luncheon to +a restaurant not far off, to which he had been attracted, some time +before, by the excellence of its cookery, but to which he now went only +for one of those reasons, at once mystical and absurd, which people call +'romantic'; because this restaurant (which, by the way, still exists) bore +the same name as the street in which Odette lived: the Lapérouse. +Sometimes, when she had been away on a short visit somewhere, several days +would elapse before she thought of letting him know that she had returned +to Paris. And then she would say quite simply, without taking (as she +would once have taken) the precaution of covering herself, at all costs, +with a little fragment borrowed from the truth, that she had just, at that +very moment, arrived by the morning train. What she said was a falsehood; +at least for Odette it was a falsehood, inconsistent, lacking (what it +would have had, if true) the support of her memory of her actual arrival +at the station; she was even prevented from forming a mental picture of +what she was saying, while she said it, by the contradictory picture, in +her mind, of whatever quite different thing she had indeed been doing at +the moment when she pretended to have been alighting from the train. In +Swann's mind, however, these words, meeting no opposition, settled and +hardened until they assumed the indestructibility of a truth so +indubitable that, if some friend happened to tell him that he had come by +the same train and had not seen Odette, Swann would have been convinced +that it was his friend who had made a mistake as to the day or hour, since +his version did not agree with the words uttered by Odette. These words +had never appeared to him false except when, before hearing them, he had +suspected that they were going to be. For him to believe that she was +lying, an anticipatory suspicion was indispensable. It was also, however, +sufficient. Given that, everything that Odette might say appeared to him +suspect. Did she mention a name: it was obviously that of one of her +lovers; once this supposition had taken shape, he would spend weeks in +tormenting himself; on one occasion he even approached a firm of 'inquiry +agents' to find out the address and the occupation of the unknown rival +who would give him no peace until he could be proved to have gone abroad, +and who (he ultimately learned) was an uncle of Odette, and had been dead +for twenty years. + +Although she would not allow him, as a rule, to meet her at public +gatherings, saying that people would talk, it happened occasionally that, +at an evening party to which he and she had each been invited--at +Forcheville's, at the painter's, or at a charity ball given in one of the +Ministries--he found himself in the same room with her. He could see her, +but dared not remain for fear of annoying her by seeming to be spying upon +the pleasures which she tasted in other company, pleasures which--while he +drove home in utter loneliness, and went to bed, as anxiously as I myself +was to go to bed, some years later, on the evenings when he came to dine +with us at Combray--seemed illimitable to him since he had not been able +to see their end. And, once or twice, he derived from such evenings that +kind of happiness which one would be inclined (did it not originate in so +violent a reaction from an anxiety abruptly terminated) to call peaceful, +since it consists in a pacifying of the mind: he had looked in for a +moment at a revel in the painter's studio, and was getting ready to go +home; he was leaving behind him Odette, transformed into a brilliant +stranger, surrounded by men to whom her glances and her gaiety, which were +not for him, seemed to hint at some voluptuous pleasure to be enjoyed +there or elsewhere (possibly at the Bal des Incohérents, to which he +trembled to think that she might be going on afterwards) which made Swann +more jealous than the thought of their actual physical union, since it was +more difficult to imagine; he was opening the door to go, when he heard +himself called back in these words (which, by cutting off from the party +that possible ending which had so appalled him, made the party itself seem +innocent in retrospect, made Odette's return home a thing no longer +inconceivable and terrible, but tender and familiar, a thing that kept +close to his side, like a part of his own daily life, in his carriage; a +thing that stripped Odette herself of the excess of brilliance and gaiety +in her appearance, shewed that it was only a disguise which she had +assumed for a moment, for his sake and not in view of any mysterious +pleasures, a disguise of which she had already wearied)--in these words, +which Odette flung out after him as he was crossing the threshold: "Can't +you wait a minute for me? I'm just going; we'll drive back together and +you can drop me." It was true that on one occasion Forcheville had asked +to be driven home at the same time, but when, on reaching Odette's gate, +he had begged to be allowed to come in too, she had replied, with a finger +pointed at Swann: "Ah! That depends on this gentleman. You must ask him. +Very well, you may come in, just for a minute, if you insist, but you +mustn't stay long, for, I warn you, he likes to sit and talk quietly with +me, and he's not at all pleased if I have visitors when he's here. Oh, if +you only knew the creature as I know him; isn't that so, my love, there's +no one that really knows you, is there, except me?" + +And Swann was, perhaps, even more touched by the spectacle of her +addressing him thus, in front of Forcheville, not only in these tender +words of predilection, but also with certain criticisms, such as: "I feel +sure you haven't written yet to your friends, about dining with them on +Sunday. You needn't go if you don't want to, but you might at least be +polite," or "Now, have you left your essay on Vermeer here, so that you +can do a little more to it to-morrow? What a lazy-bones! I'm going to make +you work, I can tell you," which proved that Odette kept herself in touch +with his social engagements and his literary work, that they had indeed a +life in common. And as she spoke she bestowed on him a smile which he +interpreted as meaning that she was entirely his. + +And then, while she was making them some orangeade, suddenly, just as when +the reflector of a lamp that is badly fitted begins by casting all round +an object, on the wall beyond it, huge and fantastic shadows which, in +time, contract and are lost in the shadow of the object itself, all the +terrible and disturbing ideas which he had formed of Odette melted away +and vanished in the charming creature who stood there before his eyes. He +had the sudden suspicion that this hour spent in Odette's house, in the +lamp-light, was, perhaps, after all, not an artificial hour, invented for +his special use (with the object of concealing that frightening and +delicious thing which was incessantly in his thoughts without his ever +being able to form a satisfactory impression of it, an hour of Odette's +real life, of her life when he was not there, looking on) with theatrical +properties and pasteboard fruits, but was perhaps a genuine hour of +Odette's life; that, if he himself had not been there, she would have +pulled forward the same armchair for Forcheville, would have poured out +for him, not any unknown brew, but precisely that orangeade which she was +now offering to them both; that the world inhabited by Odette was not that +other world, fearful and supernatural, in which he spent his time in +placing her--and which existed, perhaps, only in his imagination, but the +real universe, exhaling no special atmosphere of gloom, comprising that +table at which he might sit down, presently, and write, and this drink +which he was being permitted, now, to taste; all the objects which he +contemplated with as much curiosity and admiration as gratitude, for if, +in absorbing his dreams, they had delivered him from an obsession, they +themselves were, in turn, enriched by the absorption; they shewed him the +palpable realisation of his fancies, and they interested his mind; they +took shape and grew solid before-his eyes, and at the same time they +soothed his troubled heart. Ah! had fate but allowed him to share a +single dwelling with Odette, so that in her house he should be in his own; +if, when asking his servant what there would be for luncheon, it had been +Odette's bill of fare that he had learned from the reply; if, when Odette +wished to go for a walk, in the morning, along the Avenue du +Bois-de-Boulogne, his duty as a good husband had obliged him, though he +had no desire to go out, to accompany her, carrying her cloak when she was +too warm; and in the evening, after dinner, if she wished to stay at home, +and not to dress, if he had been forced to stay beside her, to do what she +asked; then how completely would all the trivial details of Swann's life, +which seemed to him now so gloomy, simply because they would, at the same +time, have formed part of the life of Odette, have taken on--like that +lamp, that orangeade, that armchair, which had absorbed so much of his +dreams, which materialised so much of his longing,--a sort of +superabundant sweetness and a mysterious solidity. + +And yet he was inclined to suspect that the state for which he so much +longed was a calm, a peace, which would not have created an atmosphere +favourable to his love. When Odette ceased to be for him a creature always +absent, regretted, imagined; when the feeling that he had for her was no +longer the same mysterious disturbance that was wrought in him by the +phrase from the sonata, but constant affection and gratitude, when those +normal relations were established between them which would put an end to +his melancholy madness; then, no doubt, the actions of Odette's daily life +would appear to him as being of but little intrinsic interest--as he had +several times, already, felt that they might be, on the day, for instance, +when he had read, through its envelope, her letter to Forcheville. +Examining his complaint with as much scientific detachment as if he had +inoculated himself with it in order to study its effects, he told himself +that, when he was cured of it, what Odette might or might not do would be +indifferent to him. But in his morbid state, to tell the truth, he feared +death itself no more than such a recovery, which would, in fact, amount to +the death of all that he then was. + +After these quiet evenings, Swann's suspicions would be temporarily +lulled; he would bless the name of Odette, and next day, in the morning, +would order the most attractive jewels to be sent to her, because her +kindnesses to him overnight had excited either his gratitude, or the +desire to see them repeated, or a paroxysm of love for her which had need +of some such outlet. + +But at other times, grief would again take hold of him; he would imagine +that Odette was Forcheville's mistress, and that, when they had both sat +watching him from the depths of the Verdurins' landau, in the Bois, on the +evening before the party at Chatou to which he had not been invited, while +he implored her in vain, with that look of despair on his face which even +his coachman had noticed, to come home with him, and then turned away, +solitary, crushed,--she must have employed, to draw Forcheville's +attention to him, while she murmured: "Do look at him, storming!" the same +glance, brilliant, malicious, sidelong, cunning, as on the evening when +Forcheville had driven Saniette from the Verdurins'. + +At such times Swann detested her. "But I've been a fool, too," he would +argue. "I'm paying for other men's pleasures with my money. All the same, +she'd better take care, and not pull the string too often, for I might +very well stop giving her anything at all. At any rate, we'd better knock +off supplementary favours for the time being. To think that, only +yesterday, when she said she would like to go to Bayreuth for the season, +I was such an ass as to offer to take one of those jolly little places the +King of Bavaria has there, for the two of us. However she didn't seem +particularly keen; she hasn't said yes or no yet. Let's hope that she'll +refuse. Good God! Think of listening to Wagner for a fortnight on end +with her, who takes about as much interest in music as a fish does in +little apples; it will be fun!" And his hatred, like his love, needing to +manifest itself in action, he amused himself with urging his evil +imaginings further and further, because, thanks to the perfidies with +which he charged Odette, he detested her still more, and would be able, if +it turned out--as he tried to convince himself--that she was indeed guilty +of them, to take the opportunity of punishing her, emptying upon her the +overflowing vials of his wrath. In this way, he went so far as to suppose +that he was going to receive a letter from her, in which she would ask him +for money to take the house at Bayreuth, but with the warning that he was +not to come there himself, as she had promised Forcheville and the +Verdurins to invite them. Oh, how he would have loved it, had it been +conceivable that she would have that audacity. What joy he would have in +refusing, in drawing up that vindictive reply, the terms of which he +amused himself by selecting and declaiming aloud, as though he had +actually received her letter. + +The very next day, her letter came. She wrote that the Verdurins and their +friends had expressed a desire to be present at these performances of +Wagner, and that, if he would be so good as to send her the money, she +would be able at last, after going so often to their house, to have the +pleasure of entertaining the Verdurins in hers. Of him she said not a +word; it was to be taken for granted that their presence at Bayreuth would +be a bar to his. + +Then that annihilating answer, every word of which he had carefully +rehearsed overnight, without venturing to hope that it could ever be used, +he had the satisfaction of having it conveyed to her. Alas! he felt only +too certain that with the money which she had, or could easily procure, +she would be able, all the same, to take a house at Bayreuth, since she +wished to do so, she who was incapable of distinguishing between Bach and +Clapisson. Let her take it, then; she would have to live in it more +frugally, that was all. No means (as there would have been if he had +replied by sending her several thousand-franc notes) of organising, each +evening, in her hired castle, those exquisite little suppers, after which +she might perhaps be seized by the whim (which, it was possible, had +never yet seized her) of falling into the arms of Forcheville. At any +rate, this loathsome expedition, it would not be Swann who had to pay for +it. Ah! if he could only manage to prevent it, if she could sprain her +ankle before starting, if the driver of the carriage which was to take her +to the station would consent (no matter how great the bribe) to smuggle +her to some place where she could be kept for a time in seclusion, that +perfidious woman, her eyes tinselled with a smile of complicity for +Forcheville, which was what Odette had become for Swann in the last +forty-eight hours. + +But she was never that for very long; after a few days the shining, crafty +eyes lost their brightness and their duplicity, that picture of an +execrable Odette saying to Forcheville: "Look at him storming!" began to +grow pale and to dissolve. Then gradually reappeared and rose before him, +softly radiant, the face of the other Odette, of that Odette who al^o +turned with a smile to Forcheville, but with a smile in which there was +nothing but affection for Swann, when she said: "You mustn't stay long, +for this gentleman doesn't much like my having visitors when he's here. +Oh! if you only knew the creature as I know him!" that same smile with +which she used to thank Swann for some instance of his courtesy which she +prized so highly, for some advice for which she had asked him in one of +those grave crises in her life, when she could turn to him alone. + +Then, to this other Odette, he would ask himself what could have induced +him to write that outrageous letter, of which, probably, until then, she +had never supposed him capable, a letter which must have lowered him from +the high, from the supreme place which, by his generosity, by his loyalty, +he had won for himself in her esteem. He would become less dear to her, +since it was for those qualities, which she found neither in Forcheville +nor in any other, that she loved him. It was for them that Odette so often +shewed him a reciprocal kindness, which counted for less than nothing in +his moments of jealousy, because it was not a sign of reciprocal desire, +was indeed a proof rather of affection than of love, but the importance of +which he began once more to feel in proportion as the spontaneous +relaxation of his suspicions, often accelerated by the distraction brought +to him by reading about art or by the conversation of a friend, rendered +his passion less exacting of reciprocities. + +Now that, after this swing of the pendulum, Odette had naturally returned +to the place from which Swann's jealousy had for the moment driven her, in +the angle in which he found her charming, he pictured her to himself as +full of tenderness, with a look of consent in her eyes, and so beautiful +that he could not refrain from moving his lips towards her, as though she +had actually been in the room for him to kiss; and he preserved a sense of +gratitude to her for that bewitching, kindly glance, as strong as though +she had really looked thus at him, and it had not been merely his +imagination that had portrayed it in order to satisfy his desire. + +What distress he must have caused her! Certainly he found adequate reasons +for his resentment, but they would not have been sufficient to make him +feel that resentment, if he had not so passionately loved her. Had he not +nourished grievances, just as serious, against other women, to whom he +would, none the less, render willing service to-day, feeling no anger +towards them because he no longer loved them? If the day ever came when he +would find himself in the same state of indifference with regard to +Odette, he would then understand that it was his jealousy alone which had +led him to find something atrocious, unpardonable, in this desire (after +all, so natural a desire, springing from a childlike ingenuousness and +also from a certain delicacy in her nature) to be able, in her turn, when +an occasion offered, to repay the Verdurins for their hospitality, and to +play the hostess in a house of her own. + +He returned to the other point of view--opposite to that of his love and +of his jealousy, to which he resorted at times by a sort of mental equity, +and in order to make allowance for different eventualities--from which he +tried to form a fresh judgment of Odette, based on the supposition that he +had never been in love with her, that she was to him just a woman like +other women, that her life had not been (whenever he himself was not +present) different, a texture woven in secret apart from him, and warped +against him. + +Wherefore believe that she would enjoy down there with Forcheville or with +other men intoxicating pleasures which she had never known with him, and +which his jealousy alone had fabricated in all their elements? At +Bayreuth, as in Paris, if it should happen that Forcheville thought of him +at all, it would only be as of some one who counted for a great deal in +the life of Odette, some one for whom he was obliged to make way, when +they met in her house. If Forcheville and she scored a triumph by being +down there together in spite of him, it was he who had engineered that +triumph by striving in vain to prevent her from going there, whereas if he +had approved of her plan, which for that matter was quite defensible, she +would have had the appearance of being there by his counsel, she would +have felt herself sent there, housed there by him, and for the pleasure +which she derived from entertaining those people who had so often +entertained her, it was to him that she would have had to acknowledge her +indebtedness. + +And if--instead of letting her go off thus, at cross-purposes with him, +without having seen him again--he were to send her this money, if he were +to encourage her to take this journey, and to go out of his way to make it +comfortable and pleasant for her, she would come running to him, happy, +grateful, and he would have the joy--the sight of her face--which he had +not known for nearly a week, a joy which none other could replace. For +the moment that Swann was able to form a picture of her without revulsion, +that he could see once again the friendliness in her smile, and that the +desire to tear her away from every rival was no longer imposed by his +jealousy upon his love, that love once again became, more than anything, a +taste for the sensations which Odette's person gave him, for the pleasure +which he found in admiring, as one might a spectacle, or in questioning, +as one might a phenomenon, the birth of one of her glances, the formation +of one of her smiles, the utterance of an intonation of her voice. And +this pleasure, different from every other, had in the end created in him a +need of her, which she alone, by her presence or by her letters, could +assuage, almost as disinterested, almost as artistic, as perverse as +another need which characterised this new period in Swann's life, when the +sereness, the depression of the preceding years had been followed by a +sort of spiritual superabundance, without his knowing to what he owed this +unlooked-for enrichment of his life, any more than a person in delicate +health who from a certain moment grows stronger, puts on flesh, and seems +for a time to be on the road to a complete recovery:--this other need, +which, too, developed in him independently of the visible, material world, +was the need to listen to music and to learn to know it. + +And so, by the chemical process of his malady, after he had created +jealousy out of his love, he began again to generate tenderness, pity for +Odette. She had become once more the old Odette, charming and kind. He was +full of remorse for having treated her harshly. He wished her to come to +him, and, before she came, he wished to have already procured for her some +pleasure, so as to watch her gratitude taking shape in her face and +moulding her smile. + +So, too, Odette, certain of seeing him come to her in a few days, as +tender and submissive as before, and plead with her for a reconciliation, +became inured, was no longer afraid of displeasing him, or even of making +him angry, and refused him, whenever it suited her, the favours by which +he set most store. + +Perhaps she did not realise how sincere he had been with her during their +quarrel, when he had told her that he would not send her any money, but +would do what he could to hurt her. Perhaps she did not realise, either, +how sincere he still was, if not with her, at any rate with himself, on +other occasions when, for the sake of their future relations, to shew +Odette that he was capable of doing without her, that a rupture was still +possible between them, he decided to wait some time before going to see +her again. + +Sometimes several days had elapsed, during which she had caused him no +fresh anxiety; and as, from the next few visits which he would pay her, he +knew that he was likely to derive not any great pleasure, but, more +probably, some annoyance which would put an end to the state of calm in +which he found himself, he wrote to her that he was very busy, and would +not be able to see her on any of the days that he had suggested. +Meanwhile, a letter from her, crossing his, asked him to postpone one of +those very meetings. He asked himself, why; his suspicions, his grief, +again took hold of him. He could no longer abide, in the new state of +agitation into which he found himself plunged, by the arrangements which +he had made in his preceding state of comparative calm; he would run to +find her, and would insist upon seeing her on each of the following days. +And even if she had not written first, if she merely acknowledged his +letter, it was enough to make him unable to rest without seeing her. For, +upsetting all Swann's calculations, Odette's acceptance had entirely +changed his attitude. Like everyone who possesses something precious, so +as to know what would happen if he ceased for a moment to possess it, he +had detached the precious object from his mind, leaving, as he thought, +everything else in the same state as when it was there. But the absence of +one part from a whole is not only that, it is not simply a partial +omission, it is a disturbance of all the other parts, a new state which it +was impossible to foresee from the old. + +But at other times--when Odette was on the point of going away for a +holiday--it was after some trifling quarrel for which he had chosen the +pretext, that he decided not to write to her and not to see her until her +return, giving the appearance (and expecting the reward) of a serious +rupture, which she would perhaps regard as final, to a separation, the +greater part of which was inevitable, since she was going away, which, in +fact, he was merely allowing to start a little sooner than it must. At +once he could imagine Odette, puzzled, anxious, distressed at having +received neither visit nor letter from him and this picture of her, by +calming his jealousy, made it easy for him to break himself of the habit +of seeing her. At odd moments, no doubt, in the furthest recesses of his +brain, where his determination had thrust it away, and thanks to the +length of the interval, the three weeks' separation to which he had +agreed, it was with pleasure that he would consider the idea that he would +see Odette again on her return; but it was also with so little impatience +that he began to ask himself whether he would not readily consent to the +doubling of the period of so easy an abstinence. It had lasted, so far, +but three days, a much shorter time than he had often, before, passed +without seeing Odette, and without having, as on this occasion he had, +premeditated a separation. And yet, there and then, some tiny trace of +contrariety in his mind, or of weakness in his body,--by inciting him to +regard the present as an exceptional moment, one not to be governed by the +rules, one in which prudence itself would allow him to take advantage of +the soothing effects of a pleasure and to give his will (until the time +should come when its efforts might serve any purpose) a holiday--suspended +the action of his will, which ceased to exert its inhibitive control; or, +without that even, the thought of some information for which he had +forgotten to ask Odette, such as if she had decided in what colour she +would have her carriage repainted, or, with regard to some investment, +whether they were 'ordinary' or 'preference' shares that she wished him to +buy (for it was all very well to shew her that he could live without +seeing her, but if, after that, the carriage had to be painted over again, +if the shares produced no dividend, a fine lot of good he would have +done),--and suddenly, like a stretched piece of elastic which is let go, +or the air in a pneumatic machine which is ripped open, the idea of seeing +her again, from the remote point in time to which it had been attached, +sprang back into the field of the present and of immediate possibilities. + +It sprang back thus without meeting any further resistance, so +irresistible, in fact, that Swann had been far less unhappy in watching +the end gradually approaching, day by day, of the fortnight which he must +spend apart from Odette, than he was when kept waiting ten minutes while +his coachman brought round the carriage which was to take him to her, +minutes which he passed in transports of impatience and joy, in which he +recaptured a thousand times over, to lavish on it all the wealth of his +affection, that idea of his meeting with Odette, which, by so abrupt a +repercussion, at a moment when he supposed it so remote, was once more +present and on the very surface of his consciousness. The fact was that +this idea no longer found, as an obstacle in its course, the desire to +contrive without further delay to resist its coming, which had ceased to +have any place in Swann's mind since, having proved to himself--or so, at +least, he believed--that he was so easily capable of resisting it, he no +longer saw any inconvenience in postponing a plan of separation which he +was now certain of being able to put into operation whenever he would. +Furthermore, this idea of seeing her again came back to him adorned with a +novelty, a seductiveness, armed with a virulence, all of which long habit +had enfeebled, but which had acquired new vigour during this privation, +not of three days but of a fortnight (for a period of abstinence may be +calculated, by anticipation, as having lasted already until the final date +assigned to it), and had converted what had been, until then, a pleasure +in store, which could easily be sacrificed, into an unlooked-for happiness +which he was powerless to resist. Finally, the idea returned to him with +its beauty enhanced by his own ignorance of what Odette might have +thought, might, perhaps, have done on finding that he shewed no sign of +life, with the result that he was going now to meet with the entrancing +revelation of an Odette almost unknown. + +But she, just as she had supposed that his refusal to send her money was +only a feint, saw nothing but a pretext in the question which he came, +now, to ask her, about the repainting of her carriage, or the purchase of +stock. For she could not reconstruct the several phases of these crises +through which he passed, and in the general idea which she formed of them +she made no attempt to understand their mechanism, looking only to what +she knew beforehand, their necessary, never-failing and always identical +termination. An imperfect idea (though possibly all the more profound in +consequence), if one were to judge it from the point of view of Swann, who +would doubtless have considered that Odette failed to understand him, just +as a morphinomaniac or a consumptive, each persuaded that he has been +thrown back, one by some outside event, at the moment when he was just +going to shake himself free from his inveterate habit, the other by an +accidental indisposition at the moment when he was just going to be +finally cured, feels himself to be misunderstood by the doctor who does +not attach the same importance to these pretended contingencies, mere +disguises, according to him, assumed, so as to be perceptible by his +patients, by the vice of one and the morbid state of the other, which in +reality have never ceased to weigh heavily and incurably upon them while +they were nursing their dreams of normality and health. And, as a matter +of fact, Swann's love had reached that stage at which the physician and +(in the case of certain affections) the boldest of surgeons ask themselves +whether to deprive a patient of his vice or to rid him of his malady is +still reasonable, or indeed possible. + +Certainly, of the extent of this love Swann had no direct knowledge. When +he sought to measure it, it happened sometimes that he found it +diminished, shrunken almost to nothing; for instance, the very moderate +liking, amounting almost to dislike, which, in the days before he was in +love with Odette, he had felt for her expressive features, her faded +complexion, returned on certain days. "Really, I am making distinct +headway," he would tell himself on the morrow, "when I come to think it +over carefully, I find out that I got hardly any pleasure, last night, out +of being in bed with her; it's an odd thing, but I actually thought her +ugly." And certainly he was sincere, but his love extended a long way +beyond the province of physical desire. Odette's person, indeed, no longer +held any great place in it. When his eyes fell upon the photograph of +Odette on his table, or when she came to see him, he had difficulty in +identifying her face, either in the flesh or on the pasteboard, with the +painful and continuous anxiety which dwelt in his mind. He would say to +himself, almost with astonishment, "It is she!" as when suddenly some one +shews us in a detached, externalised form one of our own maladies, and we +find in it no resemblance to what we are suffering. "She?"--he tried to +ask himself what that meant; for it is something like love, like death +(rather than like those vague conceptions of maladies), a thing which one +repeatedly calls in question, in order to make oneself probe further into +it, in the fear that the question will find no answer, that the substance +will escape our grasp--the mystery of personality. And this malady, which +was Swann's love, had so far multiplied, was so closely interwoven with +all his habits, with all his actions, with his thoughts, his health, his +sleep, his life, even with what he hoped for after his death, was so +entirely one with him that it would have been impossible to wrest it away +without almost entirely destroying him; as surgeons say, his case was past +operation. + +By this love Swann had been so far detached from all other interests that +when by chance he reappeared in the world of fashion, reminding himself +that his social relations, like a beautifully wrought setting (although +she would not have been able to form any very exact estimate of its +worth), might, still, add a little to his own value in Odette's eyes (as +indeed they might have done had they not been cheapened by his love +itself, which for Odette depreciated everything that it touched by seeming +to denounce such things as less precious than itself), he would feel +there, simultaneously with his distress at being in places and among +people that she did not know, the same detached sense of pleasure as he +would have derived from a novel or a painting in which were depicted the +amusements of a leisured class; just as, at home, he used to enjoy the +thought of the smooth efficiency of his household, the smartness of his +own wardrobe and of his servants' liveries, the soundness of his +investments, with the same relish as when he read in Saint-Simon, who was +one of his favourite authors, of the machinery of daily life at +Versailles, what Mme. de Maintenon ate and drank, or the shrewd avarice +and great pomp of Lulli. And in the small extent to which this detachment +was not absolute, the reason for this new pleasure which Swann was tasting +was that he could emigrate for a moment into those few and distant parts +of himself which had remained almost foreign to his love and to his pain. +In this respect the personality, with which my great-aunt endowed him, of +'young Swann,' as distinct from the more individual personality of Charles +Swann, was that in which he now most delighted. Once when, because it was +the birthday of the Princesse de Parme (and because she could often be of +use, indirectly, to Odette, by letting her have seats for galas and +jubilees and all that sort of thing), he had decided to send her a basket +of fruit, and was not quite sure where or how to order it, he had +entrusted the task to a cousin of his mother who, delighted to be doing a +commission for him, had written to him, laying stress on the fact that she +had not chosen all the fruit at the same place, but the grapes from +Crapote, whose speciality they were, the straw berries from Jauret, the +pears from Chevet, who always had the best, am soon, "every fruit visited +and examined, one by one, by myself." And ii the sequel, by the cordiality +with which the Princess thanked him, hi had been able to judge of the +flavour of the strawberries and of the ripe ness of the pears. But, most +of all, that "every fruit visited and examinee one by one, by myself" had +brought balm to his sufferings by carrying hi mind off to a region which +he rarely visited, although it was his by right, as the heir of a rich and +respectable middle-class family in which had been handed down from +generation to generation the knowledge of the 'right places' and the art +of ordering things from shops. + +Of a truth, he had too long forgotten that he was 'young Swann' not to +feel, when he assumed that part again for a moment, a keener pleasure than +he was capable of feeling at other times--when, indeed, he was grown sick +of pleasure; and if the friendliness of the middle-class people, for whom +he had never been anything else than 'young Swann,' was less animated than +that of the aristocrats (though more flattering, for all that, since in +the middle-class mind friendship is inseparable from respect), no letter +from a Royal Personage, offering him some princely entertainment, could +ever be so attractive to Swann as the letter which asked him to be a +witness, or merely to be present at a wedding in the family of some old +friends of his parents; some of whom had 'kept up' with him, like my +grandfather, who, the year before these events, had invited him to my +mother's wedding, while others barely knew him by sight, but were, they +thought, in duty bound to shew civility to the son, to the worthy +successor of the late M. Swann. + +But, by virtue of his intimacy, already time-honoured, with so many of +them, the people of fashion, in a certain sense, were also a part of his +house, his service, and his family. He felt, when his mind dwelt upon his +brilliant connections, the same external support, the same solid comfort +as when he looked at the fine estate, the fine silver, the fine +table-linen which had come down to him from his forebears. And the thought +that, if he were seized by a sudden illness and confined to the house, the +people whom his valet would instinctively run to find would be the Duc de +Chartres, the Prince de Reuss, the Duc de Luxembourg and the Baron de +Charlus, brought him the same consolation as our old Françoise derived +from the knowledge that she would, one day, be buried in her own fine +clothes, marked with her name, not darned at all (or so exquisitely darned +that it merely enhanced one's idea of the skill and patience of the +seamstress), a shroud from the constant image of which in her mind's eye +she drew a certain satisfactory sense, if not actually of wealth and +prosperity, at any rate of self-esteem. But most of all,--since in every +one of his actions and thoughts which had reference to Odette, Swann was +constantly subdued and swayed by the unconfessed feeling that he was, +perhaps not less dear, but at least less welcome to her than anyone, even +the most wearisome of the Verdurins' 'faithful,'--when he betook himself +to a world in which he was the paramount example of taste, a man whom no +pains were spared to attract, whom people were genuinely sorry not to see, +he began once again to believe in the existence of a happier life, +almost to feel an appetite for it, as an invalid may feel who has been in +bed for months and on a strict diet, when he picks up a newspaper and +reads the account of an official banquet or the advertisement of a cruise +round Sicily. + +If he was obliged to make excuses to his fashionable friends for not +paying them visits, it was precisely for the visits that he did pay her +that he sought to excuse himself to Odette. He still paid them (asking +himself at the end of each month whether, seeing that he had perhaps +exhausted her patience, and had certainly gone rather often to see her, it +would be enough if he sent her four thousand francs), and for each visit +he found a pretext, a present that he had to bring her, some information +which she required, M. de Charlus, whom he had met actually going to her +house, and who had insisted upon Swann's accompanying him. And, failing +any excuse, he would beg M. de Charlus to go to her at once, and to tell +her, as though spontaneously, in the course of conversation, that he had +just remembered something that he had to say to Swann, and would she +please send a message to Swann's house asking him to come to her then and +there; but as a rule Swann waited at home in vain, and M. de Charlus +informed him, later in the evening, that his device had not proved +successful. With the result that, if she was now frequently away from +Paris, even when she was there he scarcely saw her; that she who, when she +was in love with him, used to say, "I am always free" and "What can it +matter to me, what other people think?" now, whenever he wanted to see +her, appealed to the proprieties or pleaded some engagement. When he spoke +of going to a charity entertainment, or a private view, or a first-night +at which she was to be present, she would expostulate that he wished to +advertise their relations in public, that he was treating her like a woman +off the streets. Things came to such a pitch that, in an effort to save +himself from being altogether forbidden to meet her anywhere, Swann, +remembering that she knew and was deeply attached to my great-uncle +Adolphe, whose friend he himself also had been, went one day to see him in +his little flat in the Rue de Bellechasse, to ask him to use his influence +with Odette. As it happened, she invariably adopted, when she spoke to +Swann about my uncle, a poetical tone, saying: "Ah, he! He is not in the +least like you; it is an exquisite thing, a great, a beautiful thing, his +friendship for me. He's not the sort of man who would have so little +consideration for me as to let himself be seen with me everywhere in +public." This was embarrassing for Swann, who did not know quite to what +rhetorical pitch he should screw himself up in speaking of Odette to my +uncle. He began by alluding to her excellence, _a priori_, the axiom of +her seraphic super-humanity, the revelation of her inexpressible virtues, +no conception of which could possibly be formed. "I should like to speak +to you about her," he went on, "you, who know what a woman supreme above +all women, what an adorable being, what an angel Odette is. But you know, +also, what life is in Paris. Everyone doesn't see Odette in the light in +which you and I have been Privileged to see her. And so there are people +who think that I am behaving rather foolishly; she won't even allow me to +meet her out of doors, at the theatre. Now you, in whom she has such +enormous confidence, couldn't you say a few words for me to her, just to +assure her that she exaggerate the harm which my bowing to her in the +street might do her?" + +My uncle advised Swann not to see Odette for some days, after which she +would love him all the more; he advised Odette to let Swann meet he; +everywhere, and as often as he pleased. A few days later Odette told Swann +that she had just had a rude awakening; she had discovered that my uncle +was the same as other men; he had tried to take her by assault. She calmed +Swann, who, at first, was for rushing out to challenge my uncle to a duel, +but he refused to shake hands with him when they met again. He regretted +this rupture all the more because he had hoped, if he had met my uncle +Adolphe again sometimes and had contrived to talk things over with him in +strict confidence, to be able to get him to throw a light on certain +rumours with regard to the life that Odette had led, in the old days, at +Nice. For my uncle Adolphe used to spend the winter there, and Swann +thought that it might indeed have been there, perhaps, that he had first +known Odette. The few words which some one had let fall, in his hearing, +about a man who, it appeared, had been Odette's lover, had left Swann dumb +foundered. But the very things which he would, before knowing them, have +regarded as the most terrible to learn and the most impossible to believe, +were, once he knew them, incorporated for all time in the general mass of +his sorrow; he admitted them, he could no longer have understood their not +existing. Only, each one of them in its passage traced an indelible line, +altering the picture that he had formed of his mistress. At one time +indeed he felt that he could understand that this moral 'lightness,' of +which he would never have suspected Odette, was perfectly well known, and +that at Baden or Nice, when she had gone, in the past, to spend several +months in one or the other place, she had enjoyed a sort of amorous +notoriety. He attempted, in order to question them, to get into touch +again with certain men of that stamp; but these were aware that he knew +Odette, and, besides, he was afraid of putting the thought of her into +their heads, of setting them once more upon her track. But he, to whom, up +till then, nothing could have seemed so tedious as was all that pertained +to the cosmopolitan life of Baden or of Nice, now that he learned that +Odette had, perhaps, led a 'gay' life once in those pleasure-cities, +although he could never find out whether it had been solely to satisfy a +want of money which, thanks to himself, she no longer felt, or from some +capricious instinct which might, at any moment, revive in her, he would +lean, in impotent anguish, blinded and dizzy, over the bottomless abyss +into which had passed, in which had been engulfed those years of his own, +early in MacMahon's _Septennat_, in which one spent the winter on the +Promenade des Anglais, the summer beneath the limes of Baden, and would +find in those years a sad but splendid profundity, such as a poet might +have lent to them; and he would have devoted to the reconstruction of all +the insignificant details that made up the daily round on the Côte d'Azur +in those days, if it could have helped him to understand something that +still baffled him in the smile or in the eyes of Odette, more enthusiasm +than does the aesthete who ransacks the extant documents of +fifteenth-century Florence, so as to try to penetrate further into the +soul of the Primavera, the fair Vanna or the Venus of Botticelli. He would +sit, often, without saying a word to her, only gazing at her and dreaming; +and she would comment: "You do look sad!" It was not very long since, from +the idea that she was an excellent creature, comparable to the best women +that he had known, he had passed to that of her being 'kept'; and yet +already, by an inverse process, he had returned from the Odette de Crécy, +perhaps too well known to the holiday-makers, to the 'ladies' men' of Nice +and Baden, to this face, the expression on which was so often gentle, to +this nature so eminently human. He would ask himself: "What does it mean, +after all, to say that everyone at Nice knows who Odette de Crécy is? +Reputations of that sort, even when they're true, are always based upon +other people's ideas"; he would reflect that this legend--even if it were +authentic--was something external to Odette, was not inherent in her like +a mischievous and ineradicable personality; that the creature who might +have been led astray was a woman with frank eyes, a heart full of pity for +the sufferings of others, a docile body which he had pressed tightly in +his arms and explored with his fingers, a woman of whom he might one day +come into absolute possession if he succeeded in making himself +indispensable to her. There she was, often tired, her face left blank for +the nonce by that eager, feverish preoccupation with the unknown things +which made Swann suffer; she would push back her hair with both hands; her +forehead, her whole face would seem to grow larger; then, suddenly, some +ordinary human thought, some worthy sentiment such as is to be found in +all creatures when, in a moment of rest or meditation, they are free to +express themselves, would flash out from her eyes like a ray of gold. And +immediately the whole of her face would light up like a grey landscape, +swathed in clouds which, suddenly, are swept away and the dull scene +transfigured, at the moment of the sun's setting. The life which occupied +Odette at such times, even the future which she seemed to be dreamily +regarding, Swann could have shared with her. No evil disturbance seemed to +have left any effect on them. Rare as they became, those moments did not +occur in vain. By the process of memory, Swann joined the fragments +together, abolished the intervals between them, cast, as in molten gold, +the image of an Odette compact of kindness and tranquillity, for whom he +was to make, later on (as we shall see in the second part of this story) +sacrifices which the other Odette would never have won from him. But how +rare those moments were, and how seldom he now saw her! Even in regard to +their evening meetings, she would never tell him until the last minute +whether she would be able to see him, for, reckoning on his being always +free, she wished first to be certain that no one else would offer to come +to her. She would plead that she was obliged to wait for an answer which +was of the very greatest importance, and if, even after she had made Swann +come to her house, any of her friends asked her, half-way through the +evening, to join them at some theatre, or at supper afterwards, she would +jump for joy and dress herself with all speed. As her toilet progressed, +every movement that she made brought Swann nearer to the moment when he +would have to part from her, when she would fly off with irresistible +force; and when at length she was ready, and, Plunging into her mirror a +last glance strained and brightened by her anxiety to look well, smeared a +little salve on her lips, fixed a stray loci of hair over her brow, and +called for her cloak of sky-blue silk with golden tassels, Swann would be +looking so wretched that she would be unable to restrain a gesture of +impatience as she flung at him: "So that is how you thank me for keeping +you here till the last minute! And I thought I was being so nice to you. +Well, I shall know better another time!" Sometime ... at the risk of +annoying her, he made up his mind that he would find out where she had +gone, and even dreamed of a defensive alliance with Forcheville, who might +perhaps have been able to tell him. But anyhow, when he knew with whom she +was spending the evening, it was very seldom that he could not discover, +among all his innumerable acquaintance, some one who knew--if only +indirectly--the man with whom she had gone out, and could easily obtain +this or that piece of information about him. And while he was writing to +one of his friends, asking him to try to get a little light thrown upon +some point or other, he would feel a sense of relief on ceasing to vex +himself with questions to which there was no answer and transferring to +some one else the strain of interrogation. It is true that Swann was +little the wiser for such information as he did receive. To know a thing +does not enable us, always, to prevent its happening, but after all the +things that we know we do hold, if not in our hands, at any rate in our +minds, where we can dispose of them as we choose, which gives us the +illusion of a sort of power to control them. He was quite happy whenever +M. de Charlus was with Odette. He knew that between M. de Charlus and her +nothing untoward could ever happen, that when M. de Charlus went anywhere +with her, it was out of friendship for himself, and that he would make no +difficulty about telling him everything that she had done. Sometimes she +had declared so emphatically to Swann that it was impossible for him to +see her on a particular evening, she seemed to be looking forward so +keenly to some outing, that Swann attached a very real importance to the +fact that M. de Charlus was free to accompany her. Next day, without +daring to put many questions to M. de Charlus, he would force him, by +appearing not quite to understand his first answers, to give him more, +after each of which he would feel himself increasingly relieved, for he +very soon learned that Odette had spent her evening in the most innocent +of dissipations. + +"But what do you mean, my dear Mémé, I don't quite understand.... You +didn't go straight from her house to the Musée Grévin? Surely you went +somewhere else first? No? That is very odd! You don't know how amusing you +are, my dear Mémé. But what an odd idea of hers to go on to the Chat Noir +afterwards; it was her idea, I suppose? No? Yours? That's strange. After +all, it wasn't a bad idea; she must have known dozens of people there? No? +She never spoke to a soul? How extraordinary! Then you sat there like +that, just you and she, all by yourselves? I can picture you, sitting +there! You are a worthy fellow, my dear Mémé; I'm exceedingly fond of +you." + +Swann was now quite at ease. To him, who had so often happened, when +talking to friends who knew nothing of his love, friends to whom he hardly +listened, to hear certain detached sentences (as, for instance, "I saw +Mme. de Crécy yesterday; she was with a man I didn't know."), sentences +which dropped into his heart and passed at once into a solid state, grew +hard as stalagmites, and seared and tore him as they lay there +irremovable,--how charming, by way of contrast, were the words: "She didn't +know a soul; she never spoke to a soul." How freely they coursed through +him, how fluid they were, how vaporous, how easy to breathe! And yet, a +moment later, he was telling himself that Odette must find him very dull +if those were the pleasures that she preferred to his company. And their +very insignificance, though it reassured him, pained him as if her +enjoyment of them had been an act of treachery. + +Even when he could not discover where she had gone, it would have sufficed +to alleviate the anguish that he then felt, for which Odette's presence, +the charm of her company, was the sole specific (a specific which in the +long run served, like many other remedies, to aggravate the disease, but +at least brought temporary relief to his sufferings), it would have +sufficed, had Odette only permitted him to remain in her house while she +was out, to wait there until that hour of her return, into whose stillness +and peace would flow, to be mingled and lost there, all memory of those +intervening hours which some sorcery, some cursed spell had made him +imagine as, somehow, different from the rest. But she would not; he must +return home; he forced himself, on the way, to form various plans, ceased +to think of Odette; he even reached the stage, while he undressed, of +turning over all sorts of happy ideas in his mind: it was with a light +heart, buoyed with the anticipation of going to see some favourite work of +art on the morrow, that he jumped into bed and turned out the light; but +no sooner had he made himself ready to sleep, relaxing a self-control of +which he was not even conscious, so habitual had it become, than an icy +shudder convulsed his body and he burst into sobs. He did not wish to know +why, but dried his eyes, saying with a smile: "This is delightful; I'm +becoming neurasthenic." After which he could not save himself from utter +exhaustion at the thought that, next day, he must begin afresh his attempt +to find out what Odette had been doing, must use all his influence to +contrive to see her. This compulsion to an activity without respite, +without variety, without result, was so cruel a scourge that one day, +noticing a swelling over his stomach, he felt an actual joy in the idea +that he had, perhaps, a tumour which would prove fatal, that he need not +concern himself with anything further, that it was his malady which was +going to govern his life, to make a plaything of him, until the +not-distant end. If indeed, at this period, it often happened that, though +without admitting it even to himself, he longed for death, it was in order +to escape not so much from the keenness of his sufferings as from the +monotony of his struggle. + +And yet he would have wished to live until the time came when he no longer +loved her, when she would have no reason for lying to him, when at length +he might learn from her whether, on the day when he had gone to see her in +the afternoon, she had or had not been in the arms of Forcheville. Often +for several days on end the suspicion that she was in love with some one +else would distract his mind from the question of Forcheville, making it +almost immaterial to him, like those new developments of a continuous +state of ill-health which seem for a little time to have delivered us from +their predecessors. There were even days when he was not tormented by any +suspicion. He fancied that he was cured. But next morning, when he awoke, +he felt in the same place the same pain, a sensation which, the day +before, he had, as it were, diluted in the torrent of different +impressions. But it had not stirred from its place. Indeed, it was the +sharpness of this pain that had awakened him. + +Since Odette never gave him any information as to those vastly important +matters which took up so much of her time every day (albeit he had lived +long enough in the world to know that such matters are never anything else +than pleasures) he could not sustain for any length of time the effort to +imagine them; his brain would become a void; then he would pass a finger +over his tired eyelids, in the same way as he might have wiped his +eyeglass, and would cease altogether to think. There emerged, however, +from this unexplored tract, certain occupations which reappeared from time +to time, vaguely connected by Odette with some obligation towards distant +relatives or old friends who, inasmuch as they were the only people whom +she was in the habit of mentioning as preventing her from seeing him, +seemed to Swann to compose the necessary, unalterable setting of her life. +Because of the tone in which she referred, from time to time, to "the day +when I go with my friend to the Hippodrome," if, when he felt unwell and +had thought, "Perhaps Odette would be kind and come to see me," he +remembered, suddenly, that it was one of those very days, he would correct +himself with an "Oh, no! It's not worth while asking her to come; I should +have thought of it before, this is the day when she goes with her friend +to the Hippodrome. We must confine ourselves to what is possible; no use +wasting our time in proposing things that can't be accepted and are +declined in advance." And this duty that was incumbent upon Odette, of +going to the Hippodrome, to which Swann thus gave way, seemed to him to be +not merely ineluctable in itself; but the mark of necessity which stamped +it seemed to make plausible and legitimate everything that was even +remotely connected with it. If, when Odette, in the street, had +acknowledged the salute of a passer-by, which had aroused Swann's +jealousy, she replied to his questions by associating the stranger with +any of the two or three paramount duties of which she had often spoken to +him; if, for instance, she said: "That's a gentleman who was in my +friend's box the other day; the one I go to the Hippodrome with," that +explanation would set Swann's suspicions at rest; it was, after all, +inevitable that this friend should have other guests than Odette in her +box at the Hippodrome, but he had never sought to form or succeeded in +forming any coherent impression of them. Oh! how he would have loved to +know her, that friend who went to the Hippodrome, how he would have loved +her to invite him there with Odette. How readily he would have sacrificed +all his acquaintance for no matter what person who was in the habit of +seeing Odette, were she but a manicurist or a girl out of a shop. He would +have taken more trouble, incurred more expense for them than for queens. +Would they not have supplied him, out of what was contained in their +knowledge of the life of Odette, with the one potent anodyne for his pain? +With what joy would he have hastened to spend his days with one or other +of those humble folk with whom Odette kept up friendly relations, either +with some ulterior motive or from genuine simplicity of nature. How +willingly would he have fixed his abode for ever in the attics of some +sordid but enviable house, where Odette went but never took him, and +where, if he had lived with the little retired dressmaker, whose lover he +would readily have pretended to be, he would have been visited by. Odette +almost daily. In those regions, that were almost slums, what a modest +existence, abject, if you please, but delightful, nourished by +tranquillity and happiness, he would have consented to lead indefinitely. + +It sometimes happened, again, that, when, after meeting Swann, she saw +some man approaching whom he did not know, he could distinguish upon +Odette's face that look of sorrow which she had worn on the day when he +had come to her while Forcheville was there. But this was rare; for, on +the days when, in spite of all that she had to do, and of her dread of +what people would think, she did actually manage to see Swann, the +predominant quality in her attitude, now, was self-assurance; a striking +contrast, perhaps an unconscious revenge for, perhaps a natural reaction +from the timorous emotion which, in the early days of their friendship, +she had felt in his presence, and even in his absence, when she began a +letter to him with the words: "My dear, my hand trembles so that I can +scarcely write." (So, at least, she pretended, and a little of that +emotion must have been sincere, or she would not have been anxious to +enlarge and emphasise it.) So Swann had been pleasing to her then. Our +hands do not tremble except for ourselves, or for those whom we love. When +they have ceased to control our happiness how peaceful, how easy, how bold +do we become in their presence! In speaking to him, in writing to him now, +she no longer employed those words by which she had sought to give herself +the illusion that he belonged to her, creating opportunities for saying +"my" and "mine" when she referred to him: "You are all that I have in the +world; it is the perfume of our friendship, I shall keep it," nor spoke to +him of the future, of death itself, as of a single adventure which they +would have to share. In those early days, whatever he might say to her, +she would answer admiringly: "You know, you will never be like other +people!"--she would gaze at his long, slightly bald head, of which people +who know only of his successes used to think: "He's not regularly +good-looking, if you like, but he is smart; that tuft, that eyeglass, that +smile!" and, with more curiosity perhaps to know him as he really was than +desire to become his mistress, she would sigh: + +"I do wish I could find out what there is in that head of yours!" + +But, now, whatever he might say, she would answer, in a tone sometimes of +irritation, sometimes indulgent: "Ah! so you never will be like other +people!" + +She would gaze at his head, which was hardly aged at all by his recent +anxieties (though people now thought of it, by the same mental process +which enables one to discover the meaning of a piece of symphonic music of +which one has read the programme, or the 'likenesses' in a child whose +family one has known: "He's not positively ugly, if you like, but he is +really rather absurd; that eyeglass, that tuft, that smile!" realising in +their imagination, fed by suggestion, the invisible boundary which +divides, at a few months' interval, the head of an ardent lover from a +cuckold's), and would say: + +"Oh, I do wish I could change you; put some sense into that head of +yours." + +Always ready to believe in the truth of what he hoped, if it was only +Odette's way of behaving to him that left room for doubt, he would fling +himself greedily upon her words: "You can if you like," he would tell her. + +And he tried to explain to her that to comfort him, to control him, to +make him work would be a noble task, to which numbers of other women asked +for nothing better than to be allowed to devote themselves, though it is +only fair to add that in those other women's hands the noble task would +have seemed to Swann nothing more than an indiscreet and intolerable +usurpation of his freedom of action. "If she didn't love me, just a +little," he told himself, "she would not wish to have me altered. To alter +me, she will have to see me more often." And so he was able to trace, in +these faults which she found in him, a proof at least of her interest, +perhaps even of her love; and, in fact, she gave him so little, now, of +the last, that he was obliged to regard as proofs of her interest in him +the various things which, every now and then, she forbade him to do. One +day she announced that she did not care for his coachman, who, she +thought, was perhaps setting Swann against her, and, anyhow, did not shew +that promptness and deference to Swann's orders which she would have liked +to see. She felt that he wanted to hear her say: "Don't have him again +when you come to me," just as he might have wanted her to kiss him. So, +being in a good temper, she said it; and he was deeply moved. That +evening, when talking to M. de Charlus, with whom he had the satisfaction +of being able to speak of her openly (for the most trivial remarks that he +uttered now, even to people who had never heard of her, had always some +sort of reference to Odette), he said to him: + +"I believe, all the same, that she loves me; she is so nice to me now, and +she certainly takes an interest in what I do." + +And if, when he was starting off for her house, getting into his carriage +with a friend whom he was to drop somewhere on the way, his friend said: +"Hullo! that isn't Loredan on the box?" with what melancholy joy would +Swann answer him: + +"Oh! Good heavens, no! I can tell you, I daren't take Loredan when I go to +the Rue La Pérouse; Odette doesn't like me to have Loredan, she thinks he +doesn't suit me. What on earth is one to do? Women, you know, women. My +dear fellow, she would be furious. Oh, lord, yes; I've only to take Rémi +there; I should never hear the last of it!" + +These new manners, indifferent, listless, irritable, which Odette now +adopted with Swann, undoubtedly made him suffer; but he did not realise +how much he suffered; since it had been with a regular progression, day +after day, that Odette had chilled towards him, it was only by directly +contrasting what she was to-day with what she had been at first that he +could have measured the extent of the change that had taken place. Now +this change was his deep, his secret wound, which pained him day and +night, and whenever he felt that his thoughts were straying too near it, +he would quickly turn them into another channel for fear of being made to +suffer too keenly. He might say to himself in a vague way: "There was a +time when Odette loved me more," but he never formed any definite picture +of that time. Just as he had in his study a cupboard at which he contrived +never to look, which he turned aside to avoid passing whenever he entered +or left the room, because in one of its drawers he had locked away the +chrysanthemum which she had given him on one of those first evenings when +he had taken her home in his carriage, and the letters in which she said: +"Why did you not forget your heart also? I should never have let you have +that back," and "At whatever hour of the day or night you may need me, +just send me a word, and dispose of me as you please," so there was a +place in his heart to which he would never allow his thoughts to trespass +too near, forcing them, if need be, to evade it by a long course of +reasoning so that they should not have to pass within reach of it; the +place in which lingered his memories of happy days. + +But his so meticulous prudence was defeated one evening when he had gone +out to a party. + +It was at the Marquise de Saint-Euverte's, on the last, for that season, +of the evenings on which she invited people to listen to the musicians who +would serve, later on, for her charity concerts. Swann, who had intended +to go to each of the previous evenings in turn, but had never been able to +make up his mind, received, while he was dressing for this party, a visit +from the Baron de Charlus, who came with an offer to go with him to the +Marquise's, if his company could be of any use in helping Swann not to +feel quite so bored when he got there, to be a little less unhappy. But +Swann had thanked him with: + +"You can't conceive how glad I should be of your company. But the greatest +pleasure that you can give me will be if you will go instead to see +Odette. You know what a splendid influence you have over her. I don't +suppose she'll be going anywhere this evening, unless she goes to see her +old dressmaker, and I'm sure she would be delighted if you went with her +there. In any case, you'll find her at home before then. Try to keep her +amused, and also to give her a little sound advice. If you could arrange +something for to-morrow which would please her, something that we could +all three do together. Try to put out a feeler, too, for the summer; see +if there's anything she wants to do, a cruise that we might all three +take; anything you can think of. I don't count upon seeing her to-night, +myself; still if she would like me to come, or if you find a loophole, +you've only to send me a line at Mme. de Saint-Euverte's up till midnight; +after that I shall be here. Ever so many thanks for all you are doing for +me--you know what I feel about you!" + +His friend promised to go and do as Swann wished as soon as he had +deposited him at the door of the Saint-Euverte house, where he arrived +soothed by the thought that M. de Charlus would be spending the evening in +the Rue La Pérouse, but in a state of melancholy indifference to +everything that did not involve Odette, and in particular to the details +of fashionable life, a state which invested them with the charm that is to +be found in anything which, being no longer an object of our desire, +appears to us in its own guise. On alighting from his carriage, in the +foreground of that fictitious summary of their domestic existence which +hostesses are pleased to offer to their guests on ceremonial occasions, +and in which they shew a great regard for accuracy of costume and setting, +Swann was amused to discover the heirs and successors of Balzac's +'tigers'--now 'grooms'--. who normally followed their mistress when she +walked abroad, but now, hatted and booted, were posted out of doors, in +front of the house on the gravelled drive, or outside the stables, as +gardeners might be drawn up for inspection at the ends of their several +flower-beds. The peculiar tendency which he had always had to look for +analogies between living people and the portraits in galleries reasserted +itself here, but in a more positive and more general form; it was society +as a whole, now that he was detached from it, which presented itself to +him in a series of pictures. In the cloak-room, into which, in the old +days, when he was still a man of fashion, he would have gone in his +overcoat, to emerge from it in evening dress, but without any impression +of what had occurred there, his mind having been, during the minute or two +that he had spent in it, either still at the party which he had just left, +or already at the party into which he was just about to be ushered, he now +noticed, for the first time, roused by the unexpected arrival of so +belated a guest, the scattered pack of splendid effortless animals, the +enormous footmen who were drowsing here and there upon benches and chests, +until, pointing their noble greyhound profiles, they towered upon their +feet and gathered in a circle round about him. + +One of them, of a particularly ferocious aspect, and not unlike the +headsman in certain Renaissance pictures which represent executions, +tortures, and the like, advanced upon him with an implacable air to take +his 'things.' But the harshness of his steely glare was compensated by the +softness of his cotton gloves, so effectively that, as he approached +Swann, he seemed to be exhibiting at once an utter contempt for his person +and the most tender regard for his hat. He took it with a care to which +the precision of his movements imparted something that was almost +over-fastidious, and with a delicacy that was rendered almost touching by +the evidence of his splendid strength. Then he passed it to one of his +satellites, a novice and timid, who was expressing the panic that +overpowered him by casting furious glances in every direction, and +displayed all the dumb agitation of a wild animal in the first hours of +its captivity. + +A few feet away, a strapping great lad in livery stood musing, motionless, +statuesque, useless, like that purely decorative warrior whom one sees in +the most tumultuous of Mantegna's paintings, lost in dreams, leaning upon +his shield, while all around him are fighting and bloodshed and death; +detached from the group of his companions who were thronging about Swann, +he seemed as determined to remain unconcerned in the scene, which he +followed vaguely with his cruel, greenish eyes, as if it had been the +Massacre of the Innocents or the Martyrdom of Saint James. He seemed +precisely to have sprung from that vanished race--if, indeed, it ever +existed, save in the reredos of San Zeno and the frescoes of the +Eremitani, where Swann had come in contact with it, and where it still +dreams--fruit of the impregnation of a classical statue by some one of the +Master's Paduan models, or of Albert Duerer's Saxons. And the locks of his +reddish hair, crinkled by nature, but glued to his head by brilliantine, +were treated broadly as they are in that Greek sculpture which the +Mantuan painter never ceased to study, and which, if in its creator's +purpose it represents but man, manages at least to extract from man's +simple outlines such a variety of richness, borrowed, as it were, from the +whole of animated nature, that a head of hair, by the glossy undulation +and beak-like points of its curls, or in the overlaying of the florid +triple diadem of its brushed tresses, can suggest at once a bunch of +seaweed, a brood of fledgling doves, a bed of hyacinths and a serpent's +writhing back. Others again, no less colossal, were disposed upon the +steps of a monumental staircase which, by their decorative presence and +marmorean immobility, was made worthy to be named, like that god-crowned +ascent in the Palace of the Doges, the 'Staircase of the Giants,' and on +which Swann now set foot, saddened by the thought that Odette had never +climbed it. Ah, with what joy would he, on the other hand, have raced up +the dark, evil-smelling, breakneck flights to the little dressmaker's, in +whose attic he would so gladly have paid the price of a weekly stage-box +at the Opera for the right to spend the evening there when Odette came, +and other days too, for the privilege of talking about her, of living +among people whom she was in the habit of seeing when he was not there, +and who, on that account, seemed to keep secret among themselves some part +of the life of his mistress more real, more inaccessible and more +mysterious than anything that he knew. Whereas upon that pestilential, +enviable staircase to the old dressmaker's, since there was no other, no +service stair in the building, one saw in the evening outside every door +an empty, unwashed milk-can set out, in readiness for the morning round, +upon the door-mat; on the despicable, enormous staircase which Swann was +at that moment climbing, on either side of him, at different levels, +before each anfractuosity made in its walls by the window of the porter's +lodge or the entrance to a set of rooms, representing the departments of +indoor service which they controlled, and doing homage for them to the +guests, a gate-keeper, a major-domo, a steward (worthy men who spent the +rest of the week in semi-independence in their own domains, dined there by +themselves like small shopkeepers, and might to-morrow lapse to the +plebeian service of some successful doctor or industrial magnate), +scrupulous in carrying out to the letter all the instructions that had +been heaped upon them before they were allowed to don the brilliant livery +which they wore only at long intervals, and in which they did not feel +altogether at their ease, stood each in the arcade of his doorway, their +splendid pomp tempered by a democratic good-fellowship, like saints in +their niches, and a gigantic usher, dressed Swiss Guard fashion, like the +beadle in a church, struck the pavement with his staff as each fresh +arrival passed him. Coming to the top of the staircase, up which he had +been followed by a servant with a pallid countenance and a small pigtail +clubbed at the back of his head, like one of Goya's sacristans or a +tabellion in an old play, Swann passed by an office in which the lackeys, +seated like notaries before their massive registers, rose solemnly to +their feet and inscribed his name. He next crossed a little hall +which--just as certain rooms are arranged by their owners to serve as the +setting for a single work of art (from which they take their name), and, +in their studied bareness, contain nothing else besides--displayed to him +as he entered it, like some priceless effigy by Benvenuto Cellini of an +armed watchman, a young footman, his body slightly bent forward, rearing +above his crimson gorget an even more crimson face, from which seemed to +burst forth torrents of fire, timidity and zeal, who, as he pierced the +Aubusson tapestries that screened the door of the room in which the music +was being given with his impetuous, vigilant, desperate gaze, appeared, +with a soldierly impassibility or a supernatural faith--an allegory of +alarums, incarnation of alertness, commemoration of a riot--to be looking +out, angel or sentinel, from the tower of dungeon or cathedral, for the +approach of the enemy or for the hour of Judgment. Swann had now only to +enter the concert-room, the doors of which were thrown open to him by an +usher loaded with chains, who bowed low before him as though tendering to +him the keys of a conquered city. But he thought of the house in which at +that very moment he might have been, if Odette had but permitted, and the +remembered glimpse of an empty milk-can upon a door-mat wrung his heart. + +He speedily recovered his sense of the general ugliness of the human male +when, on the other side of the tapestry curtain, the spectacle of the +servants gave place to that of the guests. But even this ugliness of +faces, which of course were mostly familiar to him, seemed something new +and uncanny, now that their features,--instead of being to him symbols of +practical utility in the identification of this or that man, who until +then had represented merely so many pleasures to be sought after, boredoms +to be avoided, or courtesies to be acknowledged--were at rest, measurable +by aesthetic co-ordinates alone, in the autonomy of their curves and +angles. And in these men, in the thick of whom Swann now found himself +packed, there was nothing (even to the monocle which many of them wore, +and which, previously, would, at the most, have enabled Swann to say that +so-and-so wore a monocle) which, no longer restricted to the general +connotation of a habit, the same in all of them, did not now strike him +with a sense of individuality in each. Perhaps because he did not regard +General de Froberville and the Marquis de Bréaute, who were talking +together just inside the door, as anything more than two figures in a +picture, whereas they were the old and useful friends who had put him up +for the Jockey Club and had supported him in duels, the General's monocle, +stuck like a shell-splinter in his common, scarred, victorious, +overbearing face, in the middle of a forehead which it left half-blinded, +like the single-eyed flashing front of the Cyclops, appeared to Swann as a +monstrous wound which it might have been glorious to receive but which it +was certainly not decent to expose, while that which M. de Bréaute wore, +as a festive badge, with his pearl-grey gloves, his crush hat and white +tie, substituting it for the familiar pair of glasses (as Swann himself +did) when he went out to places, bore, glued to its other side, like a +specimen prepared on a slide for the microscope, an infinitesimal gaze +that swarmed with friendly feeling and never ceased to twinkle at the +loftiness of ceilings, the delightfulness of parties, the interestingness +of programmes and the excellence of refreshments. + +"Hallo! you here! why, it's ages since I've seen you," the General greeted +Swann and, noticing the look of strain on his face and concluding that it +was perhaps a serious illness that had kept him away, went on, "You're +looking well, old man!" while M. de Bréauté turned with, "My dear fellow, +what on earth are you doing here?" to a 'society novelist' who had just +fitted into the angle of eyebrow and cheek his own monocle, the sole +instrument that he used in his psychological investigations and +remorseless analyses of character, and who now replied, with an air of +mystery and importance, rolling the 'r':--"I am observing!" + +The Marquis de Forestelle's monocle was minute and rimless, and, by +enforcing an incessant and painful contraction of the eye over which it +was incrusted like a superfluous cartilage, the presence of which there +was inexplicable and its substance unimaginable, it gave to his face a +melancholy refinement, and led women to suppose him capable of suffering +terribly when in love. But that of M. de Saint-Candé, girdled, like +Saturn, with an enormous ring, was the centre of gravity of a face which +composed itself afresh every moment in relation to the glass, while his +thrusting red nose and swollen sarcastic lips endeavoured by their +grimaces to rise to the level of the steady flame of wit that sparkled in +the polished disk, and saw itself preferred to the most ravishing eyes in +the world by the smart, depraved young women whom it set dreaming of +artificial charms and a refinement of sensual bliss; and then, behind him, +M. de Palancy, who with his huge carp's head and goggling eyes moved +slowly up and down the stream of festive gatherings, unlocking his great +mandibles at every moment as though in search of his orientation, had the +air of carrying about upon his person only an accidental and perhaps +purely symbolical fragment of the glass wall of his aquarium, a part +intended to suggest the whole which recalled to Swann, a fervent admirer +of Giotto's Vices and Virtues at Padua, that Injustice by whose side a +leafy bough evokes the idea of the forests that enshroud his secret lair. + +Swann had gone forward into the room, under pressure from Mme. de +Saint-Euverte and in order to listen to an aria from _Orfeo_ which was +being rendered on the flute, and had taken up a position in a corner from +which, unfortunately, his horizon was bounded by two ladies of 'uncertain' +age, seated side by side, the Marquise de Cambremer and the Vicomtesse de +Franquetot, who, because they were cousins, used to spend their time at +parties in wandering through the rooms, each clutching her bag and +followed by her daughter, hunting for one another like people at a railway +station, and could never be at rest until they had reserved, by marking +them with their fans or handkerchiefs, two adjacent chairs; Mme. de +Cambremer, since she knew scarcely anyone, being all the more glad of a +companion, while Mme. de Franquetot, who, on the contrary, was extremely +popular, thought it effective and original to shew all her fine friends +that she preferred to their company that of an obscure country cousin with +whom she had childish memories in common. Filled with ironical melancholy, +Swann watched them as they listened to the pianoforte inter, mezzo +(Liszt's 'Saint Francis preaching to the birds') which came after the +flute, and followed the virtuoso in his dizzy flight; Mme. de Franquetot +anxiously, her eyes starting from her head, as though the keys over which +his fingers skipped with such agility were a series of trapezes, from any +one of which he might come crashing, a hundred feet, to the ground, +stealing now and then a glance of astonishment and unbelief at her +companion, as who should say: "It isn't possible, I would never have +believed that a human being could do all that!"; Mme. de Cambremer, as a +woman who had received a sound musical education, beating time with her +head--transformed for the nonce into the pendulum of a metronome, the +sweep and rapidity of whose movements from one shoulder to the other +(performed with that look of wild abandonment in her eye which a sufferer +shews who is no longer able to analyse his pain, nor anxious to master it, +and says merely "I can't help it") so increased that at every moment her +diamond earrings caught in the trimming of her bodice, and she was obliged +to put straight the bunch of black grapes which she had in her hair, +though without any interruption of her constantly accelerated motion. On +the other side (and a little way in front) of Mme. de Franquetot, was the +Marquise de Gallardon, absorbed in her favourite meditation, namely upon +her own kinship with the Guermantes family, from which she derived both +publicly and in private a good deal of glory no unmingled with shame, the +most brilliant ornaments of that house remaining somewhat aloof from her, +perhaps because she was just a tiresome old woman, or because she was a +scandalous old woman, or because she came of an inferior branch of the +family, or very possibly for no reason at all. When she found herself +seated next to some one whom she did not know, as she was at this moment +next to Mme. de Franquetot, she suffered acutely from the feeling that her +own consciousness of her Guermantes connection could not be made +externally manifest in visible character like those which, in the +mosaics in Byzantine churches, placed one beneath another, inscribe in a +vertical column by the side of some Sacred Personage the words which he is +supposed to be uttering. At this moment she was pondering the fact that +she had never received an invitation, or even call, from her young cousin +the Princesse des Laumes, during the six years that had already elapsed +since the latter's marriage. The thought filled her with anger--and with +pride; for, by virtue of having told everyone who expressed surprise at +never seeing her at Mme. des Laumes's, that it was because of the risk of +meeting the Princesse Mathilde there--a degradation which her own family, +the truest and bluest of Legitimists, would never have forgiven her, she +had come gradually to believe that this actually was the reason for her +not visiting her young cousin. She remembered, it is true, that she had +several times inquired of Mme. des Laumes how they might contrive to meet, +but she remembered it only in a confused way, and besides did more than +neutralise this slightly humiliating reminiscence by murmuring, "After +all, it isn't for me to take the first step; I am at least twenty years +older than she is." And fortified by these unspoken words she flung her +shoulders proudly back until they seemed to part company with her bust, +while her head, which lay almost horizontally upon them, made one think of +the 'stuck-on' head of a pheasant which is brought to the table regally +adorned with its feathers. Not that she in the least degree resembled a +pheasant, having been endowed by nature with a short and squat and +masculine figure; but successive mortifications had given her a backward +tilt, such as one may observe in trees which have taken root on the very +edge of a precipice and are forced to grow backwards to preserve their +balance. Since she was obliged, in order to console herself for not being +quite on a level with the rest of the Guermantes, to repeat to herself +incessantly that it was owing to the uncompromising rigidity of her +principles and pride that she saw so little of them, the constant +iteration had gradually remoulded her body, and had given her a sort of +'bearing' which was accepted by the plebeian as a sign of breeding, and +even kindled, at times, a momentary spark in the jaded eyes of old +gentlemen in clubs. Had anyone subjected Mme. de Gallardon's conversation +to that form of analysis which by noting the relative frequency of its +several terms would furnish him with the key to a ciphered message, he +would at once have remarked that no expression, not even the commonest +forms of speech, occurred in it nearly so often as "at my cousins the +Guermantes's," "at my aunt Guermantes's," "Elzéar de Guermantes's health," +"my cousin Guermantes's box." If anyone spoke to her of a distinguished +personage, she would reply that, although she was not personally +acquainted with him, she had seen him hundreds of times at her aunt +Guermantes's, but she would utter this reply in so icy a tone, with such a +hollow sound, that it was at once quite clear that if she did not know the +celebrity personally that was because of all the obstinate, ineradicable +principles against which her arching shoulders were stretched back to +rest, as on one of those ladders on which gymnastic instructors make us +'extend' so as to develop the expansion of our chests. + +At this moment the Princesse des Laumes, who had not been expected to +appear at Mme. de Saint-Euverte's that evening, did in fact arrive. To +shew that she did not wish any special attention, in a house to which she +had come by an act of condescension, to be paid to her superior rank, she +had entered the room with her arms pressed close to her sides, even when +there was no crowd to be squeezed through, no one attempting to get past +her; staying purposely at the back, with the air of being in her proper +place, like a king who stands in the waiting procession at the doors of a +theatre where the management have not been warned of his coming; and +strictly limiting her field of vision--so as not to seem to be advertising +her presence and claiming the consideration that was her due--to the study +of a pattern in the carpet or of her own skirt, she stood there on the +spot which had struck her as the most modest (and from which, as she very +well knew, a cry of rapture from Mme. de Saint-Euverte would extricate her +as soon as her presence there was noticed), next to Mme. de Cambremer, +whom, however, she did not know. She observed the dumb-show by which her +neighbour was expressing her passion for music, but she refrained from +copying it. This was not to say that, for once that she had consented to +spend a few minutes in Mme. de Saint-Euverte's house, the Princesse des +Laumes would not have wished (so that the act of politeness to her hostess +which she had performed by coming might, so to speak, 'count double') to +shew herself as friendly and obliging as possible. But she had a natural +horror of what she called 'exaggerating,' and always made a point of +letting people see that she 'simply must not' indulge in any display of +emotion that was not in keeping with the tone of the circle in which she +moved, although such displays never failed to make an impression upon her, +by virtue of that spirit of imitation, akin to timidity, which is +developed in the most self-confident persons, by contact with an +unfamiliar environment, even though it be inferior to their own. She began +to ask herself whether these gesticulations might not, perhaps, be a +necessary concomitant of the piece of music that was being played, a piece +which, it might be, was in a different category from all the music that +she had ever heard before; and whether to abstain from them was not a sign +of her own inability to understand the music, and of discourtesy towards +the lady of the house; with the result that, in order to express by a +compromise both of her contradictory inclinations in turn, at one moment +she would merely straighten her shoulder-straps or feel in her golden hair +for the little balls of coral or of pink enamel, frosted with tiny +diamonds, which formed its simple but effective ornament, studying, with a +cold interest, her impassioned neighbour, while at another she would beat +time for a few bars with her fan, but, so as not to forfeit her +independence, she would beat a different time from the pianist's. When he +had finished the Liszt Intermezzo and had begun a Prelude by Chopin, Mme. +de Cambremer turned to Mme. de Franquetot with a tender smile, full of +intimate reminiscence, as well as of satisfaction (that of a competent +judge) with the performance. She had been taught in her girlhood to fondle +and cherish those long-necked, sinuous creatures, the phrases of Chopin, +so free, so flexible, so tactile, which begin by seeking their ultimate +resting-place somewhere beyond and far wide of the direction in which they +started, the point which one might have expected them to reach, phrases +which divert themselves in those fantastic bypaths only to return more +deliberately--with a more premeditated reaction, with more precision, as +on a crystal bowl which, if you strike it, will ring and throb until you +cry aloud in anguish--to clutch at one's heart. + +Brought up in a provincial household with few friends or visitors, hardly +ever invited to a ball, she had fuddled her mind, in the solitude of her +old manor-house, over setting the pace, now crawling-slow, now passionate, +whirling, breathless, for all those imaginary waltzing couples, gathering +them like flowers, leaving the ball-room for a moment to listen, where the +wind sighed among the pine-trees, on the shore of the lake, and seeing of +a sudden advancing towards her, more different from anything one had ever +dreamed of than earthly lovers are, a slender young man, whose voice was +resonant and strange and false, in white gloves. But nowadays the +old-fashioned beauty of this music seemed to have become a trifle stale. +Having forfeited, some years back, the esteem of 'really musical' people, +it had lost its distinction and its charm, and even those whose taste was +frankly bad had ceased to find in it more than a moderate pleasure to +which they hardly liked to confess. Mme. de Cambremer cast a furtive +glance behind her. She knew that her young daughter-in-law (full of +respect for her new and noble family, except in such matters as related to +the intellect, upon which, having 'got as far' as Harmony and the Greek +alphabet, she was specially enlightened) despised Chopin, and fell quite +ill when she heard him played. But finding herself free from the scrutiny +of this Wagnerian, who was sitting, at some distance, in a group of her +own contemporaries, Mme. de Cambremer let herself drift upon a stream of +exquisite memories and sensations. The Princesse des Laumes was touched +also. Though without any natural gift for music, she had received, some +fifteen years earlier, the instruction which a music-mistress of the +Faubourg Saint-Germain, a woman of genius who had been, towards the end of +her life, reduced to penury, had started, at seventy, to give to the +daughters and granddaughters of her old pupils. This lady was now dead. +But her method, an echo of her charming touch, came to life now and then +in the fingers of her pupils, even of those who had been in other respects +quite mediocre, had given up music, and hardly ever opened a piano. And so +Mme. des Laumes could let her head sway to and fro, fully aware of the +cause, with a perfect appreciation of the manner in which the pianist was +rendering this Prelude, since she knew it by heart. The closing notes of +the phrase that he had begun sounded already on her lips. And she +murmured "How charming it is!" with a stress on the opening consonants of +the adjective, a token of her refinement by which she felt her lips so +romantically compressed, like the petals of a beautiful, budding flower, +that she instinctively brought her eyes into harmony, illuminating them +for a moment with a vague and sentimental gaze. Meanwhile Mme. de +Gallardon had arrived at the point of saying to herself how annoying it +was that she had so few opportunities of meeting the Princesse des Laumes, +for she meant to teach her a lesson by not acknowledging her bow. She did +not know that her cousin was in the room. A movement of Mme. Franquetot's +head disclosed the Princess. At once Mme. de Gallardon dashed towards her, +upsetting all her neighbours; although determined to preserve a distant +and glacial manner which should remind everyone present that she had no +desire to remain on friendly terms with a person in whose house one might +find oneself, any day, cheek by jowl with the Princesse Mathilde, and to +whom it was not her duty to make advances since she was not 'of her +generation,' she felt bound to modify this air of dignity and reserve by +some non-committal remark which would justify her overture and would force +the Princess to engage in conversation; and so, when she reached her +cousin, Mme. de Gallardon, with a stern countenance and one hand thrust +out as though she were trying to 'force' a card, began with: "How is your +husband?" in the same anxious tone that she would have used if the Prince +had been seriously ill. The Princess, breaking into a laugh which was one +of her characteristics, and was intended at once to shew the rest of an +assembly that she was making fun of some one and also to enhance her own +beauty by concentrating her features around her animated lips and +sparkling eyes, answered: "Why; he's never been better in his life!" And +she went on laughing. + +Mme. de Gallardon then drew herself up and, chilling her expression still +further, perhaps because she was still uneasy about the Prince's health, +said to her cousin: + +"Oriane," (at once Mme. des Laumes looked with amused astonishment towards +an invisible third, whom she seemed to call to witness that she had never +authorised Mme. de Gallardon to use her Christian name) "I should be so +pleased if you would look in, just for a minute, to-morrow evening, to +hear a quintet, with the clarinet, by Mozart. I should like to have your +opinion of it." + +She seemed not so much to be issuing an invitation as to be asking favour, +and to want the Princess's opinion of the Mozart quintet just though it +had been a dish invented by a new cook, whose talent it was most important +that an epicure should come to judge. + +"But I know that quintet quite well. I can tell you now--that I adore it." + +"You know, my husband isn't at all well; it's his liver. He would like so +much to see you," Mme. de Gallardon resumed, making it now a corporal work +of charity for the Princess to appear at her party. + +The Princess never liked to tell people that she would not go to their +houses. Every day she would write to express her regret at having been +kept away--by the sudden arrival of her husband's mother, by an invitation +from his brother, by the Opera, by some excursion to the country--from +some party to which she had never for a moment dreamed of going. In this +way she gave many people the satisfaction of feeling that she was on +intimate terms with them, that she would gladly have come to their houses, +and that she had been prevented from doing so only by some princely +occurrence which they were flattered to find competing with their own +humble entertainment. And then, as she belonged to that witty 'Guermantes +set'--in which there survived something of the alert mentality, stripped +of all commonplace phrases and conventional sentiments, which dated from +Mérimée, and found its final expression in the plays of Meilhac and +Halévy--she adapted its formula so as to suit even her social engagements, +transposed it into the courtesy which was always struggling to be positive +and precise, to approximate itself to the plain truth. She would never +develop at any length to a hostess the expression of her anxiety to be +present at her party; she found it more pleasant to disclose to her all +the various little incidents on which it would depend whether it was or +was not possible for her to come. + +"Listen, and I'll explain," she began to Mme. de Gallardon. "To-morrow +evening I must go to a friend of mine, who has been pestering me to fix a +day for ages. If she takes us to the theatre afterwards, then I can't +possibly come to you, much as I should love to; but if we just stay in the +house, I know there won't be anyone else there, so I can slip away." + +"Tell me, have you seen your friend M. Swann?" + +"No! my precious Charles! I never knew he was here. Where is he? I must +catch his eye." + +"It's a funny thing that he should come to old Saint-Euverte's," Mme. de +Gallardon went on. "Oh, I know he's very clever," meaning by that 'very +cunning,' "but that makes no difference; fancy a Jew here, and she the +sister and sister-in-law of two Archbishops." + +"I am ashamed to confess that I am not in the least shocked," said the +Princesse des Laumes. + +"I know he's a converted Jew, and all that, and his parents and +grandparents before him. But they do say that the converted ones are worse +about their religion than the practising ones, that it's all just a +pretence; is that true, d'you think?" + +"I can throw no light at all on the matter." + +The pianist, who was 'down' to play two pieces by Chopin, after finishing +the Prelude had at once attacked a Polonaise. But once Mme. de Gallardon +had informed her cousin that Swann was in the room, Chopin himself might +have risen from the grave and played all his works in turn without Mme. +des Laumes's paying him the slightest attention. She belonged to that one +of the two divisions of the human race in which the untiring curiosity +which the other half feels about the people whom it does not know is +replaced by an unfailing interest in the people whom it does. As with many +women of the Faubourg Saint-Germain, the presence, in any room in which +she might find herself, of another member of her set, even although she +had nothing in particular to say to him, would occupy her mind to the +exclusion of every other consideration. From that moment, in the hope that +Swann would catch sight of her, the Princess could do nothing but (like a +tame white mouse when a lump of sugar is put down before its nose and then +taken away) turn her face, in which were crowded a thousand signs of +intimate connivance, none of them with the least relevance to the +sentiment underlying Chopin's music, in the direction where Swann was, +and, if he moved, divert accordingly the course of her magnetic smile. + +"Oriane, don't be angry with me," resumed Mme. de Gallardon, who could +never restrain herself from sacrificing her highest social ambitions, and +the hope that she might one day emerge into a light that would dazzle the +world, to the immediate and secret satisfaction of saying something +disagreeable, "people do say about your M. Swann that he's the sort of man +one can't have in the house; is that true?" + +"Why, you, of all people, ought to know that it's true," replied the +Princesse des Laumes, "for you must have asked him a hundred times, and +he's never been to your house once." + +And leaving her cousin mortified afresh, she broke out again into a laugh +which scandalised everyone who was trying to listen to the music, but +attracted the attention of Mme. de Saint-Euverte, who had stayed, out of +politeness, near the piano, and caught sight of the Princess now for the +first time. Mme. de Saint-Euverte was all the more delighted to see Mme. +des Laumes, as she imagined her to be still at Guermantes, looking after +her father-in-law, who was ill. + +"My dear Princess, you here?" + +"Yes, I tucked myself away in a corner, and I've been hearing such lovely +things." + +"What, you've been in the room quite a time?" + +"Oh, yes, quite a long time, which seemed very short; it was only long +because I couldn't see you." + +Mme. de Saint-Euverte offered her own chair to the Princess, who declined +it with: + +"Oh, please, no! Why should you? It doesn't matter in the least where +I sit." And deliberately picking out, so as the better to display the +simplicity of a really great lady, a low seat without a back: "There now, +that hassock, that's all I want. It will make me keep my back straight. +Oh! Good heavens, I'm making a noise again; they'll be telling you to +have me 'chucked out'." + +Meanwhile, the pianist having doubled his speed, the emotion of the +music-lovers was reaching its climax, a servant was handing refreshments +about on a salver, and was making the spoons rattle, and, as on every +other 'party-night', Mme. de Saint-Euverte was making signs to him, which +he never saw, to leave the room. A recent bride, who had been told that a +young woman ought never to appear bored, was smiling vigorously, trying to +catch her hostess's eye so as to flash a token of her gratitude for the +other's having 'thought of her' in connection with so delightful an +entertainment. And yet, although she remained more calm than Mme. de +Franquetot, it was not without some uneasiness that she followed the +flying fingers; what alarmed her being not the pianist's fate but the +piano's, on which a lighted candle, jumping at each _fortissimo_, +threatened, if not to set its shade on fire, at least to spill wax upon +the ebony. At last she could contain herself no longer, and, running up +the two steps of the platform on which the piano stood, flung herself on +the candle to adjust its sconce. But scarcely had her hand come within +reach of it when, on a final chord, the piece finished, and the pianist +rose to his feet. Nevertheless the bold initiative shewn by this young +woman and the moment of blushing confusion between her and the pianist +which resulted from it, produced an impression that was favourable on the +whole. + +"Did you see what that girl did just now, Princess?" asked General de +Froberville, who had come up to Mme. des Laumes as her hostess left her +for a moment. "Odd, wasn't it? Is she one of the performers?" + +"No, she's a little Mme. de Cambremer," replied the Princess carelessly, +and then, with more animation: "I am only repeating what I heard just now, +myself; I haven't the faintest notion who said it, it was some one behind +me who said that they were neighbours of Mme. de Saint-Euverte in the +country, but I don't believe anyone knows them, really. They must be +'country cousins'! By the way, I don't know whether you're particularly +'well-up' in the brilliant society which we see before us, because I've no +idea who all these astonishing people can be. What do you suppose they do +with themselves when they're not at Mme. de Saint-Euverte's parties? She +must have ordered them in with the musicians and the chairs and the food. +'Universal providers,' you know. You must admit, they're rather splendid, +General. But can she really have the courage to hire the same 'supers' +every week? It isn't possible!" + +"Oh, but Cambremer is quite a good name; old, too," protested the General. + +"I see no objection to its being old," the Princess answered dryly, "but +whatever else it is it's not euphonious," she went on, isolating the word +euphonious as though between inverted commas, a little affectation to +which the Guermantes set were addicted. + +"You think not, eh! She's a regular little peach, though," said the +General, whose eyes never strayed from Mme. de Cambremer. "Don't you agree +with me, Princess?" + +"She thrusts herself forward too much; I think, in so young a woman, +that's not very nice--for I don't suppose she's my generation," replied +Mme. des Laumes (the last word being common, it appeared, to Gallardon and +Guermantes). And then, seeing that M. de Froberville was still gazing at +Mme. de Cambremer, she added, half out of malice towards the lady, half +wishing to oblige the General: "Not very nice... for her husband! I am +sorry that I do not know her, since she seems to attract you so much; I +might have introduced you to her," said the Princess, who, if she had +known the young woman, would most probably have done nothing of the sort. +"And now I must say good night, because one of my friends is having a +birthday party, and I must go and wish her many happy returns," she +explained, modestly and with truth, reducing the fashionable gathering to +which she was going to the simple proportions of a ceremony which would be +boring in the extreme, but at which she was obliged to be present, and +there would be something touching about her appearance. "Besides, I must +pick up Basin. While I've been here, he's gone to see those friends of +his--you know them too, I'm sure,--who are called after a bridge--oh, yes, +the Iénas." + +"It was a battle before it was a bridge, Princess; it was a victory!" said +the General. "I mean to say, to an old soldier like me," he went on, +wiping his monocle and replacing it, as though he were laying a fresh +dressing on the raw wound underneath, while the Princess instinctively +looked away, "that Empire nobility, well, of course, it's not the same +thing, but, after all, taking it as it is, it's very fine of its kind; +they were people who really did fight like heroes." + +"But I have the deepest respect for heroes," the Princess assented, though +with a faint trace of irony. "If I don't go with Basin to see this +Princesse d'Iéna, it isn't for that, at all; it's simply because I don't +know them. Basin knows them; he worships them. Oh, no, it's not what you +think; he's not in love with her. I've nothing to set my face against! +Besides, what good has it ever done when I have set my face against them?" +she queried sadly, for the whole world knew that, ever since the day upon +which the Prince des Laumes had married his fascinating cousin, he had +been consistently unfaithful to her. "Anyhow, it isn't that at all. +They're people he has known for ever so long, they do him very well, and +that suits me down to the ground. But I must tell you what he's told me +about their house; it's quite enough. Can you imagine it, all their +furniture is 'Empire'!" + +"But, my dear Princess, that's only natural; it belonged to their +grandparents." + +"I don't quite say it didn't, but that doesn't make it any less ugly. I +quite understand that people can't always have nice things, but at least +they needn't have things that are merely grotesque. What do you say? I can +think of nothing more devastating, more utterly smug than that hideous +style--cabinets covered all over with swans' heads, like bath-taps!" + +"But I believe, all the same, that they've got some lovely things; why, +they must have that famous mosaic table on which the Treaty of..." + +"Oh, I don't deny, they may have things that are interesting enough from +the historic point of view. But things like that can't, ever, be beautiful +... because they're simply horrible! I've got things like that myself, +that came to Basin from the Montesquious. Only, they're up in the attics +at Guermantes, where nobody ever sees them. But, after all, that's not the +point, I would fly to see them, with Basin; I would even go to see them +among all their sphinxes and brasses, if I knew them, but--I don't know +them! D'you know, I was always taught, when I was a little girl, that it +was not polite to call on people one didn't know." She assumed a tone of +childish gravity. "And so I am just doing what I was taught to do. Can't +you see those good people, with a totally strange woman bursting into +their house? Why, I might get a most hostile reception." + +And she coquettishly enhanced the charm of the smile which the idea had +brought to her lips, by giving to her blue eyes, which were fixed on the +General, a gentle, dreamy expression. + +"My dear Princess, you know that they'd be simply wild with joy." + +"No, why?" she inquired, with the utmost vivacity, either so as to seem +unaware that it would be because she was one of the first ladies in +France, or so as to have the pleasure of hearing the General tell her so. +"Why? How can you tell? Perhaps they would think it the most unpleasant +thing that could possibly happen. I know nothing about them, but if +they're anything like me, I find it quite boring enough to see the people +I do know; I'm sure if I had to see people I didn't know as well, even if +they had 'fought like heroes,' I should go stark mad. Besides, except when +it's an old friend like you, whom one knows quite apart from that, I'm not +sure that 'heroism' takes one very far in society. It's often quite boring +enough to have to give a dinner-party, but if one had to offer one's arm +to Spartacus, to let him take one down...! Really, no; it would never be +Vercingetorix I should send for, to make a fourteenth. I feel sure, I +should keep him for really big 'crushes.' And as I never give any..." + +"Ah! Princess, it's easy to see you're not a Guermantes for nothing. You +have your share of it, all right, the 'wit of the Guermantes'!" + +"But people always talk about the wit of the Guermantes; I never could +make out why. Do you really know any others who have it?" she rallied him, +with a rippling flow of laughter, her features concentrated, yoked to the +service of her animation, her eyes sparkling, blazing with a radiant +sunshine of gaiety which could be kindled only by such speeches--even if +the Princess had to make them herself--as were in praise of h wit or of +her beauty. "Look, there's Swann talking to your Cambremer woman; over +there, beside old Saint-Euverte, don't you see him? Ask him to introduce +you. But hurry up, he seems to be just going!" + +"Did you notice how dreadfully ill he's looking?" asked the General. + +"My precious Charles? Ah, he's coming at last; I was beginning to think he +didn't want to see me!" + +Swann was extremely fond of the Princesse des Laumes, and the sight of her +recalled to him Guermantes, a property close to Combray, and all that +country which he so dearly loved and had ceased to visit, so as not to be +separated from Odette. Slipping into the manner, half-artistic, +half-amorous--with which he could always manage to amuse the Princess--a +manner which came to him quite naturally whenever he dipped for a moment +into the old social atmosphere, and wishing also to express in words, for +his own satisfaction, the longing that he felt for the country: + +"Ah!" he exclaimed, or rather intoned, in such a way as to be audible at +once to Mme. de Saint-Euverte, to whom he spoke, and to Mme. des Laumes, +for whom he was speaking, "Behold our charming Princess! See, she has come +up on purpose from Guermantes to hear Saint Francis preach to the birds, +and has only just had time, like a dear little tit-mouse, to go and pick a +few little hips and haws and put them in her hair; there are even some +drops of dew upon them still, a little of the hoar-frost which must be +making the Duchess, down there, shiver. It is very pretty indeed, my dear +Princess." + +"What! The Princess came up on purpose from Guermantes? But that's too +wonderful! I never knew; I'm quite bewildered," Mme. de Saint-Euverte +protested with quaint simplicity, being but little accustomed to Swann's +way of speaking. And then, examining the Princess's headdress, "Why, +you're quite right; it is copied from... what shall I say, not chestnuts, +no,--oh, it's a delightful idea, but how can the Princess have known what +was going to be on my programme? The musicians didn't tell me, even." + +Swann, who was accustomed, when he was with a woman whom he had kept up +the habit of addressing in terms of gallantry, to pay her delicate +compliments which most other people would not and need not understand, did +not condescend to explain to Mme. de Saint-Euverte that he had been +speaking metaphorically. As for the Princess, she was in fits of laughter, +both because Swann's wit was highly appreciated by her set, and because +she could never hear a compliment addressed to herself without finding it +exquisitely subtle and irresistibly amusing. + +"Indeed! I'm delighted, Charles, if my little hips and haws meet with your +approval. But tell me, why did you bow to that Cambremer person, are you +also her neighbour in the country?" + +Mme. de Saint-Euverte, seeing that the Princess seemed quite happy talking +to Swann, had drifted away. + +"But you are, yourself, Princess!" + +"I! Why, they must have 'countries' everywhere, those creatures! Don't I +wish I had!" + +"No, not the Cambremers; her own people. She was a Legrandin, and used to +come to Combray. I don't know whether you are aware that you are Comtesse +de Combray, and that the Chapter owes you a due." + +"I don't know what the Chapter owes me, but I do know that I'm 'touched' +for a hundred francs, every year, by the Curé, which is a due that I could +very well do without. But surely these Cambremers have rather a startling +name. It ends just in time, but it ends badly!" she said with a laugh. + +"It begins no better." Swann took the point. + +"Yes; that double abbreviation!" + +"Some one very angry and very proper who didn't dare to finish the first +word." + +"But since he couldn't stop himself beginning the second, he'd have done +better to finish the first and be done with it. We are indulging in the +most refined form of humour, my dear Charles, in the very best of +taste--but how tiresome it is that I never see you now," she went on in a +coaxing tone, "I do so love talking to you. Just imagine, I could not make +that idiot Froberville see that there was anything funny about the name +Cambremer. Do agree that life is a dreadful business. It's only when I +see you that I stop feeling bored." + +Which was probably not true. But Swann and the Princess had the same way +of looking at the little things of life--the effect, if not the cause of +which was a close analogy between their modes of expression and even of +pronunciation. This similarity was not striking because no two things +could have been more unlike than their voices. But if one took the trouble +to imagine Swann's utterances divested of the sonority that enwrapped +them, of the moustache from under which they emerged, one found that they +were the same phrases, the same inflexions, that they had the 'tone' of +the Guermantes set. On important matters, Swann and the Princess had not +an idea in common. But since Swann had become so melancholy, and was +always in that trembling condition which precedes a flood of tears, he had +the same need to speak about his grief that a murderer has to tell some +one about his crime. And when he heard the Princess say that life was a +dreadful business, he felt as much comforted as if she had spoken to him +of Odette. + +"Yes, life is a dreadful business! We must meet more often, my dear +friend. What is so nice about you is that you are not cheerful. We could +spend a most pleasant evening together." + +"I'm sure we could; why not come down to Guermantes? My mother-in-law +would be wild with joy. It's supposed to be very ugly down there, but I +must say, I find the neighborhood not at all unattractive; I have a horror +of 'picturesque spots'." + +"I know it well, it's delightful!" replied Swann. "It's almost too +beautiful, too much alive for me just at present; it's a country to be +happy in. It's perhaps because I have lived there, but things there speak +to me so. As soon as a breath of wind gets up, and the cornfields begin to +stir, I feel that some one is going to appear suddenly, that I am going to +hear some news; and those little houses by the water's edge... I should be +quite wretched!" + +"Oh! my dearest Charles, do take care; there's that appalling Rampillon +woman; she's seen me; hide me somewhere, do tell me again, quickly, what +it was that happened to her; I get so mixed up; she's just married off her +daughter, or her lover (I never can remember),--perhaps both--to each +other! Oh, no, I remember now, she's been dropped by her Prince... Pretend +to be talking, so that the poor old Berenice sha'n't come and invite me to +dinner. Anyhow, I'm going. Listen, my dearest Charles, now that I have +seen you, once in a blue moon, won't you let me carry you off and take you +to the Princesse de Parme's, who would be so pleased to see you (you +know), and Basin too, for that matter; he's meeting me there. If one +didn't get news of you, sometimes, from Mémé... Remember, I never see you +at all now!" + +Swann declined. Having told M. de Charlus that, on leaving Mme. de +Saint-Euverte's, he would go straight home, he did not care to run the +risk, by going on now to the Princesse de Parme's, of missing a message +which he had, all the time, been hoping to see brought in to him by one of +the footmen, during the party, and which he was perhaps going to find left +with his own porter, at home. + +"Poor Swann," said Mme. des Laumes that night to her husband; "he is +always charming, but he does look so dreadfully unhappy. You will see for +yourself, for he has promised to dine with us one of these days. I do feel +that it's really absurd that a man of his intelligence should let himself +be made to suffer by a creature of that kind, who isn't even interesting, +for they tell me, she's an absolute idiot!" she concluded with the wisdom +invariably shewn by people who, not being in love themselves, feel that a +clever man ought to be unhappy only about such persons as are worth his +while; which is rather like being astonished that anyone should condescend +to die of cholera at the bidding of so insignificant a creature as the +common bacillus. + +Swann now wished to go home, but, just as he was making his escape, +General de Froberville caught him and asked for an introduction to Mme. +de Cambremer, and he was obliged to go back into the room to look for her. + +"I say, Swann, I'd rather be married to that little woman than killed by +savages, what do you say?" + +The words 'killed by savages' pierced Swann's aching heart; and at once he +felt the need of continuing the conversation. "Ah!" he began, "some fine +lives have been lost in that way... There was, you remember, that explorer +whose remains Dumont d'Urville brought back, La Pérouse..." (and he was at +once happy again, as though he had named Odette). "He was a fine +character, and interests me very much, does La Pérouse," he ended sadly. + +"Oh, yes, of course, La Pérouse," said the General. "It's quite a +well-known name. There's a street called that." + +"Do you know anyone in the Rue La Pérouse?" asked Swann excitedly. + +"Only Mme. de Chanlivault, the sister of that good fellow Chaussepierre. +She gave a most amusing theatre-party the other evening. That's a house +that will be really smart some day, you'll see!" + +"Oh, so she lives in the Rue La Pérouse. It's attractive; I like that +street; it's so sombre." + +"Indeed it isn't. You can't have been in it for a long time; it's not at +all sombre now; they're beginning to build all round there." + +When Swann did finally introduce M. de Froberville to the young Mme. de +Cambremer, since it was the first time that she had heard the General's +name, she hastily outlined upon her lips the smile of joy and surprise +with which she would have greeted him if she had never, in the whole of +her life, heard anything else; for, as she did not yet know all the +friends of her new family, whenever anyone was presented to her, she +assumed that he must be one of them, and thinking that she would shew her +tact by appearing to have heard 'such a lot about him' since her marriage, +she would hold out her hand with an air of hesitation which was meant as a +proof at once of the inculcated reserve which she had to overcome and of +the spontaneous friendliness which successfully overcame it. And so her +parents-in-law, whom she still regarded as the most eminent pair in +France, declared that she was an angel; all the more that they preferred +to appear, in marrying her to their son, to have yielded to the attraction +rather of her natural charm than of her considerable fortune. + +"It's easy to see that you're a musician heart and soul, Madame," said the +General, alluding to the incident of the candle. + +Meanwhile the concert had begun again, and Swann saw that he could not now +go before the end of the new number. He suffered greatly from being shut +up among all these people whose stupidity and absurdities wounded him all +the more cruelly since, being ignorant of his love, incapable, had they +known of it, of taking any interest, or of doing more than smile at it as +at some childish joke, or deplore it as an act of insanity, they made it +appear to him in the aspect of a subjective state which existed for +himself alone, whose reality there was nothing external to confirm; he +suffered overwhelmingly, to the point at which even the sound of the +instruments made him want to cry, from having to prolong his exile in this +place to which Odette would never come, in which no one, nothing was aware +of her existence, from which she was entirely absent. + +But suddenly it was as though she had entered, and this apparition tore +him with such anguish that his hand rose impulsively to his heart. What +had happened was that the violin had risen to a series of high notes, on +which it rested as though expecting something, an expectancy which it +prolonged without ceasing to hold on to the notes, in the exaltation with +which it already saw the expected object approaching, and with a desperate +effort to continue until its arrival, to welcome it before itself expired, +to keep the way open for a moment longer, with all its remaining strength, +that the stranger might enter in, as one holds a door open that would +otherwise automatically close. And before Swann had had time to understand +what was happening, to think: "It is the little phrase from Vinteuil's +sonata. I mustn't listen!", all his memories of the days when Odette had +been in love with him, which he had succeeded, up till that evening, in +keeping invisible in the depths of his being, deceived by this sudden +reflection of a season of love, whose sun, they supposed, had dawned +again, had awakened from their slumber, had taken wing and risen to sing +maddeningly in his ears, without pity for his present desolation, the +forgotten strains of happiness. + +In place of the abstract expressions "the time when I was happy," "the +time when I was loved," which he had often used until then, and without +much suffering, for his intelligence had not embodied in them anything of +the past save fictitious extracts which preserved none of the reality, he +now recovered everything that had fixed unalterably the peculiar, volatile +essence of that lost happiness; he could see it all; the snowy, curled +petals of the chrysanthemum which she had tossed after him into his +carriage, which he had kept pressed to his lips, the address 'Maison +Dorée,' embossed on the note-paper on which he had read "My hand trembles +so as I write to you," the frowning contraction of her eyebrows when she +said pleadingly: "You won't let it be very long before you send for me?"; +he could smell the heated iron of the barber whom he used to have in to +singe his hair while Loredan went to fetch the little working girl; could +feel the torrents of rain which fell so often that spring, the ice-cold +homeward drive in his victoria, by moonlight; all the network of mental +habits, of seasonable impressions, of sensory reactions, which had +extended over a series of weeks its uniform meshes, by which his body now +found itself inextricably held. At that time he had been satisfying a +sensual curiosity to know what were the pleasures of those people who +lived for love alone. He had supposed that he could stop there, that he +would not be obliged to learn their sorrows also; how small a thing the +actual charm of Odette was now in comparison with that formidable terror +which extended it like a cloudy halo all around her, that enormous anguish +of not knowing at every hour of the day and night what she had been doing, +of not possessing her wholly, at all times and in all places! Alas, he +recalled the accents in which she had exclaimed: "But I can see you at any +time; I am always free!"--she, who was never free now; the interest, the +curiosity that she had shewn in his life, her passionate desire that he +should do her the favour--of which it was he who, then, had felt +suspicious, as of a possibly tedious waste of his time and disturbance of +his arrangements--of granting her access to his study; how she had been +obliged to beg that he would let her take him to the Verdurins'; and, when +he did allow her to come to him once a month, how she had first, before he +would let himself be swayed, had to repeat what a joy it would be to her, +that custom of their seeing each other daily, for which she had longed at +a time when to him it had seemed only a tiresome distraction, for which, +since that time, she had conceived a distaste and had definitely broken +herself of it, while it had become for him so insatiable, so dolorous a +need. Little had he suspected how truly he spoke when, on their third +meeting, as she repeated: "But why don't you let me come to you oftener?" +he had told her, laughing, and in a vein of gallantry, that it was for +fear of forming a hopeless passion. Now, alas, it still happened at times +that she wrote to him from a restaurant or hotel, on paper which bore a +printed address, but printed in letters of fire that seared his heart. +"Written from the Hôtel Vouillemont. What on earth can she have gone +there for? With whom? What happened there?" He remembered the gas-jets +that were being extinguished along the Boulevard des Italiens when he had +met her, when all hope was gone among the errant shades upon that night +which had seemed to him almost supernatural and which now (that night of a +period when he had not even to ask himself whether he would be annoying +her by looking for her and by finding her, so certain was he that she knew +no greater happiness than to see him and to let him take her home) +belonged indeed to a mysterious world to which one never may return again +once its doors are closed. And Swann could distinguish, standing, +motionless, before that scene of happiness in which it lived again, a +wretched figure which filled him with such pity, because he did not at +first recognise who it was, that he must lower his head, lest anyone +should observe that his eyes were filled with tears. It was himself. + +When he had realised this, his pity ceased; he was jealous, now, of that +other self whom she had loved, he was jealous of those men of whom he had +so often said, without much suffering: "Perhaps she's in love with them," +now that he had exchanged the vague idea of loving, in which there is no +love, for the petals of the chrysanthemum and the 'letter-heading' of the +Maison d'Or; for they were full of love. And then, his anguish becoming +too keen, he passed his hand over his forehead, let the monocle drop from +his eye, and wiped its glass. And doubtless, if he had caught sight of +himself at that moment, he would have added to the collection of the +monocles which he had already identified, this one which he removed, like +an importunate, worrying thought, from his head, while from its misty +surface, with his handkerchief, he sought to obliterate his cares. + +There are in the music of the violin--if one does not see the instrument +itself, and so cannot relate what one hears to its form, which modifies +the fullness of the sound--accents which are so closely akin to those of +certain contralto voices, that one has the illusion that a singer has +taken her place amid the orchestra. One raises one's eyes; one sees only +the wooden case, magical as a Chinese box; but, at moments, one is still +tricked by the deceiving appeal of the Siren; at times, too, one believes +that one is listening to a captive spirit, struggling in the darkness of +its masterful box, a box quivering with enchantment, like a devil immersed +in a stoup of holy water; sometimes, again, it is in the air, at large, +like a pure and supernatural creature that reveals to the ear, as it +passes, its invisible message. + +As though the musicians were not nearly so much playing the little phrase +as performing the rites on which it insisted before it would consent to +appear, as proceeding to utter the incantations necessary to procure, and +to prolong for a few moments, the miracle of its apparition, Swann, who +was no more able now to see it than if it had belonged to a world of +ultra-violet light, who experienced something like the refreshing sense of +a metamorphosis in the momentary blindness with which he had been struck +as he approached it, Swann felt that it was present, like a protective +goddess, a confidant of his love, who, so as to be able to come to him +through the crowd, and to draw him aside to speak to him, had disguised +herself in this sweeping cloak of sound. And as she passed him, light, +soothing, as softly murmured as the perfume of a flower, telling him what +she had to say, every word of which he closely scanned, sorry to see them +fly away so fast, he made involuntarily with his lips the motion of +kissing, as it went by him, the harmonious, fleeting form. + +He felt that he was no longer in exile and alone since she, who addressed +herself to him, spoke to him in a whisper of Odette. For he had no longer, +as of old, the impression that Odette and he were not known to the little +phrase. Had it not often been the witness of their joys? True that, as +often, it had warned him of their frailty. And indeed, whereas, in that +distant time, he had divined an element of suffering in its smile, in its +limpid and disillusioned intonation, to-night he found there rather the +charm of a resignation that was almost gay. Of those sorrows, of which the +little phrase had spoken to him then, which he had seen it--without his +being touched by them himself--carry past him, smiling, on its sinuous and +rapid course, of those sorrows which were now become his own, without his +having any hope of being, ever, delivered from them, it seemed to say to +him, as once it had said of his happiness: "What does all that matter; it +is all nothing." And Swann's thoughts were borne for the first time on a +wave of pity and tenderness towards that Vinteuil, towards that unknown, +exalted brother who also must have suffered so greatly; what could his +life have been? From the depths of what well of sorrow could he have drawn +that god-like strength, that unlimited power of creation? + +When it was the little phrase that spoke to him of the vanity of his +sufferings, Swann found a sweetness in that very wisdom which, but a +little while back, had seemed to him intolerable when he thought that he +could read it on the faces of indifferent strangers, who would regard his +love as a digression that was without importance. 'Twas because the little +phrase, unlike them, whatever opinion it might hold on the short duration +of these states of the soul, saw in them something not, as everyone else +saw, less serious than the events of everyday life, but, on the contrary, +so far superior to everyday life as to be alone worthy of the trouble of +expressing it. Those graces of an intimate sorrow, 'twas them that the +phrase endeavoured to imitate, to create anew; and even their essence, for +all that it consists in being incommunicable and in appearing trivial to +everyone save him who has experience of them, the little phrase had +captured, had rendered visible. So much so that it made their value be +confessed, their divine sweetness be tasted by all those same +onlookers--provided only that they were in any sense musical--who, the +next moment, would ignore, would disown them in real life, in every +individual love that came into being beneath their eyes. Doubtless the +form in which it had codified those graces could not be analysed into any +logical elements. But ever since, more than a year before, discovering to +him many of the riches of his own soul, the love of music had been born, +and for a time at least had dwelt in him, Swann had regarded musical +_motifs_ as actual ideas, of another world, of another order, ideas veiled +in shadows, unknown, impenetrable by the human mind, which none the less +were perfectly distinct one from another, unequal among themselves in +value and in significance. When, after that first evening at the +Verdurins', he had had the little phrase played over to him again, and had +sought to disentangle from his confused impressions how it was that, like +a perfume or a caress, it swept over and enveloped him, he had observed +that it was to the closeness of the intervals between the five notes which +composed it and to the constant repetition of two of them that was due +that impression of a frigid, a contracted sweetness; but in reality he +knew that he was basing this conclusion not upon the phrase itself, but +merely upon certain equivalents, substituted (for his mind's convenience) +for the mysterious entity of which he had become aware, before ever he +knew the Verdurins, at that earlier party, when for the first time he had +heard the sonata played. He knew that his memory of the piano falsified +still further the perspective in which he saw the music, that the field +open to the musician is not a miserable stave of seven notes, but an +immeasurable keyboard (still, almost all of it, unknown), on which, here +and there only, separated by the gross darkness of its unexplored tracts, +some few among the millions of keys, keys of tenderness, of passion, of +courage, of serenity, which compose it, each one differing from all the +rest as one universe differs from another, have been discovered by certain +great artists who do us the service, when they awaken in us the emotion +corresponding to the theme which they have found, of shewing us what +richness, what variety lies hidden, unknown to us, in that great black +impenetrable night, discouraging exploration, of our soul, which we have +been content to regard as valueless and waste and void. Vinteuil had been +one of those musicians. In his little phrase, albeit it presented to the +mind's eye a clouded surface, there was contained, one felt, a matter so +consistent, so explicit, to which the phrase gave so new, so original a +force, that those who had once heard it preserved the memory of it in the +treasure-chamber of their minds. Swann would repair to it as to a +conception of love and happiness, of which at once he knew as well in what +respects it was peculiar as he would know of the _Princesse de Clèves_, or +of _René_, should either of those titles occur to him. Even when he was +not thinking of the little phrase, it existed, latent, in his mind, in the +same way as certain other conceptions without material equivalent, such as +our notions of light, of sound, of perspective, of bodily desire, the rich +possessions wherewith our inner temple is diversified and adorned. Perhaps +we shall lose them, perhaps they will be obliterated, if we return to +nothing in the dust. But so long as we are alive, we can no more bring +ourselves to a state in which we shall not have known them than we can +with regard to any material object, than we can, for example, doubt the +luminosity of a lamp that has just been lighted, in view of the changed +aspect of everything in the room, from which has vanished even the memory +of the darkness. In that way Vinteuil's phrase, like some theme, say, in +_Tristan_, which represents to us also a certain acquisition of sentiment, +has espoused our mortal state, had endued a vesture of humanity that was +affecting enough. Its destiny was linked, for the future, with that of the +human soul, of which it was one of the special, the most distinctive +ornaments. Perhaps it is not-being that is the true state, and all our +dream of life is without existence; but, if so, we feel that it must be +that these phrases of music, these conceptions which exist in relation to +our dream, are nothing either. We shall perish, but we have for our +hostages these divine captives who shall follow and share our fate. And +death in their company is something less bitter, less inglorious, perhaps +even less certain. + +So Swann was not mistaken in believing that the phrase of the sonata did, +really, exist. Human as it was from this point of view, it belonged, none +the less, to an order of supernatural creatures whom we have never seen, +but whom, in spite of that, we recognise and acclaim with rapture when +some explorer of the unseen contrives to coax one forth, to bring it down +from that divine world to which he has access to shine for a brief moment +in the firmament of ours. This was what Vinteuil had done for the little +phrase. Swann felt that the composer had been content (with the musical +instruments at his disposal) to draw aside its veil, to make it visible, +following and respecting its outlines with a hand so loving, so prudent, +so delicate and so sure, that the sound altered at every moment, blunting +itself to indicate a shadow, springing back into life when it must follow +the curve of some more bold projection. And one proof that Swann was not +mistaken when he believed in the real existence of this phrase, was that +anyone with an ear at all delicate for music would at once have detected +the imposture had Vinteuil, endowed with less power to see and to render +its forms, sought to dissemble (by adding a line, here and there, of his +own invention) the dimness of his vision or the feebleness of his hand. + +The phrase had disappeared. Swann knew that it would come again at the end +of the last movement, after a long passage which Mme. Verdurin's pianist +always 'skipped.' There were in this passage some admirable ideas which +Swann had not distinguished on first hearing the sonata, and which he now +perceived, as if they had, in the cloakroom of his memory, divested +themselves of their uniform disguise of novelty. Swann listened to all the +scattered themes which entered into the composition of the phrase, as its +premises enter into the inevitable conclusion of a syllogism; he was +assisting at the mystery of its birth. "Audacity," he exclaimed to +himself, "as inspired, perhaps, as a Lavoisier's or an Ampere's, the +audacity of a Vinteuil making experiment, discovering the secret laws that +govern an unknown force, driving across a region unexplored towards the +one possible goal the invisible team in which he has placed his trust and +which he never may discern!" How charming the dialogue which Swann now +heard between piano and violin, at the beginning of the last passage. The +suppression of human speech, so far from letting fancy reign there +uncontrolled (as one might have thought), had eliminated it altogether. +Never was spoken language of such inflexible necessity, never had it known +questions so pertinent, such obvious replies. At first the piano +complained alone, like a bird deserted by its mate; the violin heard and +answered it, as from a neighbouring tree. It was as at the first beginning +of the world, as if there were not yet but these twain upon the earth, or +rather in this world closed against all the rest, so fashioned by the +logic of its creator that in it there should never be any but themselves; +the world of this sonata. Was it a bird, was it the soul, not yet made +perfect, of the little phrase, was it a fairy, invisibly somewhere +lamenting, whose plaint the piano heard and tenderly repeated? Its cries +were so sudden that the violinist must snatch up his bow and race to catch +them as they came. Marvellous bird! The violinist seemed to wish to charm, +to tame, to woo, to win it. Already it had passed into his soul, already +the little phrase which it evoked shook like a medium's the body of the +violinist, 'possessed' indeed. Swann knew that the phrase was going to +speak to him once again. And his personality was now so divided that the +strain of waiting for the imminent moment when he would find himself face +to face, once more, with the phrase, convulsed him in one of those sobs +which a fine line of poetry or a piece of alarming news will wring from +us, not when we are alone, but when we repeat one or the other to a +friend, in whom we see ourselves reflected, like a third person, whose +probable emotion softens him. It reappeared, but this time to remain +poised in the air, and to sport there for a moment only, as though +immobile, and shortly to expire. And so Swann lost nothing of the precious +time for which it lingered. It was still there, like an iridescent bubble +that floats for a while unbroken. As a rainbow, when its brightness fades, +seems to subside, then soars again and, before it is extinguished, is +glorified with greater splendour than it has ever shewn; so to the two +colours which the phrase had hitherto allowed to appear it added others +now, chords shot with every hue in the prism, and made them sing. Swann +dared not move, and would have liked to compel all the other people in the +room to remain still also, as if the slightest movement might embarrass +the magic presence, supernatural, delicious, frail, that would so easily +vanish. But no one, as it happened, dreamed of speaking. The ineffable +utterance of one solitary man, absent, perhaps dead (Swann did not know +whether Vinteuil were still alive), breathed out above the rites of those +two hierophants, sufficed to arrest the attention of three hundred minds, +and made of that stage on which a soul was thus called into being one of +the noblest altars on which a supernatural ceremony could be performed. It +followed that, when the phrase at last was finished, and only its +fragmentary echoes floated among the subsequent themes which had already +taken its place, if Swann at first was annoyed to see the Comtesse de +Monteriender, famed for her imbecilities, lean over towards him to confide +in him her impressions, before even the sonata had come to an end; he +could not refrain from smiling, and perhaps also found an underlying +sense, which she was incapable of perceiving, in the words that she used. +Dazzled by the virtuosity of the performers, the Comtesse exclaimed to +Swann: "It's astonishing! I have never seen anything to beat it..." But a +scrupulous regard for accuracy making her correct her first assertion, she +added the reservation: "anything to beat it... since the table-turning!" + +From that evening, Swann understood that the feeling which Odette had once +had for him would never revive, that his hopes of happiness would not be +realised now. And the days on which, by a lucky chance, she had once more +shewn herself kind and loving to him, or if she had paid him any +attention, he recorded those apparent and misleading signs of a slight +movement on her part towards him with the same tender and sceptical +solicitude, the desperate joy that people reveal who, when they are +nursing a friend in the last days of an incurable malady, relate, as +significant facts of infinite value: "Yesterday he went through his +accounts himself, and actually corrected a mistake that we had made in +adding them up; he ate an egg to-day and seemed quite to enjoy it, if he +digests it properly we shall try him with a cutlet to-morrow,"--although +they themselves know that these things are meaningless on the eve of an +inevitable death. No doubt Swann was assured that if he had now been +living at a distance from Odette he would gradually have lost all interest +in her, so that he would have been glad to learn that she was leaving +Paris for ever; he would have had the courage to remain there; but he had +not the courage to go. + +He had often thought of going. Now that he was once again at work upon his +essay on Vermeer, he wanted to return, for a few days at least, to The +Hague, to Dresden, to Brunswick. He was certain that a 'Toilet of Diana' +which had been acquired by the Mauritshuis at the Goldschmidt sale as a +Nicholas Maes was in reality a Vermeer. And he would have liked to be able +to examine the picture on the spot, so as to strengthen his conviction. +But to leave Paris while Odette was there, and even when she was not +there--for in strange places where our sensations have not been numbed by +habit, we refresh, we revive an old pain--was for him so cruel a project +that he felt himself to be capable of entertaining it incessantly in his +mind only because he knew himself to be resolute in his determination +never to put it into effect. But it would happen that, while he was +asleep, the intention to travel would reawaken in him (without his +remembering that this particular tour was impossible) and would be +realised. One night he dreamed that he was going away for a year; leaning +from the window of the train towards a young man on the platform who wept +as he bade him farewell, he was seeking to persuade this young man to come +away also. The train began to move; he awoke in alarm, and remembered that +he was not going away, that he would see Odette that evening, and next day +and almost every day. And then, being still deeply moved by his dream, he +would thank heaven for those special circumstances which made him +independent, thanks to which he could remain in Odette's vicinity, and +could even succeed in making her allow him to see her sometimes; and, +counting over the list of his advantages: his social position--his +fortune, from which she stood too often in need of assistance not to +shrink from the prospect of a definite rupture (having even, so people +said, an ulterior plan of getting him to marry her)--his friendship with +M. de Charlus, which, it must be confessed, had never won him any very +great favour from Odette, but which gave him the pleasant feeling that she +was always hearing complimentary things said about him by this common +friend for whom she had so great an esteem--and even his own intelligence, +the whole of which he employed in weaving, every day, a fresh plot which +would make his presence, if not agreeable, at any rate necessary to Odette +--he thought of what might have happened to him if all these advantages +had been lacking, he thought that, if he had been, like so many other men, +poor and humble, without resources, forced to undertake any task that +might be offered to him, or tied down by parents or by a wife, he might +have been obliged to part from Odette, that that dream, the terror of +which was still so recent, might well have been true; and he said to +himself: "People don't know when they are happy. They're never so unhappy +as they think they are." But he reflected that this existence had lasted +already for several years, that all that he could now hope for was that it +should last for ever, that he would sacrifice his work, his pleasures, his +friends, in fact the whole of his life to the daily expectation of a +meeting which, when it occurred, would bring him no happiness; and he +asked himself whether he was not mistaken, whether the circumstances that +had favoured their relations and had prevented a final rupture had not +done a disservice to his career, whether the outcome to be desired was not +that as to which he rejoiced that it happened only in dreams--his own +departure; and he said to himself that people did not know when they were +unhappy, that they were never so happy as they supposed. + +Sometimes he hoped that she would die, painlessly, in some accident, she +who was out of doors in the streets, crossing busy thoroughfares, from +morning to night. And as she always returned safe and sound, he marvelled +at the strength, at the suppleness of the human body, which was able +continually to hold in check, to outwit all the perils that environed it +(which to Swann seemed innumerable, since his own secret desire had strewn +them in her path), and so allowed its occupant, the soul, to abandon +itself, day after day, and almost with impunity, to its career of +mendacity, to the pursuit of pleasure. And Swann felt a very cordial +sympathy with that Mahomet II whose portrait by Bellini he admired, who, +on finding that he had fallen madly in love with one of his wives, stabbed +her, in order, as his Venetian biographer artlessly relates, to recover +his spiritual freedom. Then he would be ashamed of thinking thus only of +himself, and his own sufferings would seem to deserve no pity now that he +himself was disposing so cheaply of Odette's very life. + +Since he was unable to separate himself from her without a subsequent +return, if at least he had seen her continuously and without separations +his grief would ultimately have been assuaged, and his love would, +perhaps, have died. And from the moment when she did not wish to leave +Paris for ever he had hoped that she would never go. As he knew that her +one prolonged absence, every year, was in August and September, he had +abundant opportunity, several months in advance, to dissociate from it the +grim picture of her absence throughout Eternity which was lodged in him by +anticipation, and which, consisting of days closely akin to the days +through which he was then passing, floated in a cold transparency in his +mind, which it saddened and depressed, though without causing him any +intolerable pain. But that conception of the future, that flowing stream, +colourless and unconfined, a single word from Odette sufficed to penetrate +through all Swann's defences, and like a block of ice immobilised it, +congealed its fluidity, made it freeze altogether; and Swann felt himself +suddenly filled with an enormous and unbreakable mass which pressed on the +inner walls of his consciousness until he was fain to burst asunder; for +Odette had said casually, watching him with a malicious smile: +"Forcheville is going for a fine trip at Whitsuntide. He's going to +Egypt!" and Swann had at once understood that this meant: "I am going to +Egypt at Whitsuntide with Forcheville." And, in fact, if, a few days +later, Swann began: "About that trip that you told me you were going to +take with Forcheville," she would answer carelessly: "Yes, my dear boy, +we're starting on the 19th; we'll send you a 'view' of the Pyramids." Then +he was determined to know whether she was Forcheville's mistress, to ask +her point-blank, to insist upon her telling him. He knew that there were +some perjuries which, being so superstitious, she would not commit, and +besides, the fear, which had hitherto restrained his curiosity, of making +Odette angry if he questioned her, of making himself odious, had ceased to +exist now that he had lost all hope of ever being loved by her. + +One day he received an anonymous letter which told him that Odette had +been the mistress of countless men (several of whom it named, among them +Forcheville, M. de Bréauté and the painter) and women, and that she +frequented houses of ill-fame. He was tormented by the discovery that +there was to be numbered among his friends a creature capable of sending +him such a letter (for certain details betrayed in the writer a +familiarity with his private life). He wondered who it could be. But he +had never had any suspicion with regard to the unknown actions of other +people, those which had no visible connection with what they said. And +when he wanted to know whether it was rather beneath the apparent +character of M. de Charlus, or of M. des Laumes, or of M. d'Orsan that he +must place the untravelled region in which this ignoble action might have +had its birth; as none of these men had ever, in conversation with Swann, +suggested that he approved of anonymous letters, and as everything that +they had ever said to him implied that they strongly disapproved, he saw +no further reason for associating this infamy with the character of any +one of them more than with the rest. M. de Charlus was somewhat inclined +to eccentricity, but he was fundamentally good and kind; M. des Laumes was +a trifle dry, but wholesome and straight. As for M. d'Orsan, Swann had +never met anyone who, even in the most depressing circumstances, would +come to him with a more heartfelt utterance, would act more properly or +with more discretion. So much so that he was unable to understand the +rather indelicate part commonly attributed to M. d'Orsan in his relations +with a certain wealthy woman, and that whenever he thought of him he was +obliged to set that evil reputation on one side, as irreconcilable with so +many unmistakable proofs of his genuine sincerity and refinement. For a +moment Swann felt that his mind was becoming clouded, and he thought of +something else so as to recover a little light; until he had the courage +to return to those other reflections. But then, after not having been able +to suspect anyone, he was forced to suspect everyone that he knew. After +all, M. de Charlus might be most fond of him, might be most good-natured; +but he was a neuropath; to-morrow, perhaps, he would burst into tears on +hearing that Swann was ill; and to-day, from jealousy, or in anger, or +carried away by some sudden idea, he might have wished to do him a +deliberate injury. Really, that kind of man was the worst of all. The +Prince des Laumes was, certainly, far less devoted to Swann than was M. de +Charlus. But for that very reason he had not the same susceptibility with +regard to him; and besides, his was a nature which, though, no doubt, it +was cold, was as incapable of a base as of a magnanimous action. Swann +regretted that he had formed no attachments in his life except to such +people. Then he reflected that what prevents men from doing harm to their +neighbours is fellow-feeling, that he could not, in the last resort, +answer for any but men whose natures were analogous to his own, as was, so +far as the heart went, that of M. de Charlus. The mere thought of causing +Swann so much distress would have been revolting to him. But with a man +who was insensible, of another order of humanity, as was the Prince des +Laumes, how was one to foresee the actions to which he might be led by the +promptings of a different nature? To have a good heart was everything, and +M. de Charlus had one. But M. d'Orsan was not lacking in that either, and +his relations with Swann--cordial, but scarcely intimate, arising from the +pleasure which, as they held the same views about everything, they found +in talking together--were more quiescent than the enthusiastic affection +of M. de Charlus, who was apt to be led into passionate activity, good or +evil. If there was anyone by whom Swann felt that he had always been +understood, and (with delicacy) loved, it was M. d'Orsan. Yes, but the +life he led; it could hardly be called honourable. Swann regretted that he +had never taken any notice of those rumours, that he himself had admitted, +jestingly, that he had never felt so keen a sense of sympathy, or of +respect, as when he was in thoroughly 'detrimental' society. "It is not +for nothing," he now assured himself, "that when people pass judgment upon +their neighbour, their finding is based upon his actions. It is those +alone that are significant, and not at all what we say or what we think. +Charlus and des Laumes may have this or that fault, but they are men of +honour. Orsan, perhaps, has not the same faults, but he is not a man of +honour. He may have acted dishonourably once again." Then he suspected +Rémi, who, it was true, could only have inspired the letter, but he now +felt himself, for a moment, to be on the right track. To begin with, +Loredan had his own reasons for wishing harm to Odette. And then, how were +we not to suppose that our servants, living in a situation inferior to our +own, adding to our fortunes and to our frailties imaginary riches and +vices for which they at once envied and despised us, should not find +themselves led by fate to act in a manner abhorrent to people of our own +class? He also suspected my grandfather. On every occasion when Swann had +asked him to do him any service, had he not invariably declined? Besides, +with his ideas of middle-class respectability, he might have thought that +he was acting for Swann's good. He suspected, in turn, Bergotte, the +painter, the Verdurins; paused for a moment to admire once again the +wisdom of people in society, who refused to mix in the artistic circles in +which such things were possible, were, perhaps, even openly avowed, as +excellent jokes; but then he recalled the marks of honesty that were to be +observed in those Bohemians, and contrasted them with the life of +expedients, often bordering on fraudulence, to which the want of money, +the craving for luxury, the corrupting influence of their pleasures often +drove members of the aristocracy. In a word, this anonymous letter proved +that he himself knew a human being capable of the most infamous conduct, +but he could see no reason why that infamy should lurk in the +depths--which no strange eye might explore--of the warm heart rather than +the cold, the artist's rather than the business-man's, the noble's rather +than the flunkey's. What criterion ought one to adopt, in order to judge +one's fellows? After all, there was not a single one of the people whom he +knew who might not, in certain circumstances, prove capable of a shameful +action. Must he then cease to see them all? His mind grew clouded; he +passed his hands two or three times across his brow, wiped his glasses +with his handkerchief, and remembering that, after all, men who were as +good as himself frequented the society of M. de Charlus, the Prince des +Laumes and the rest, he persuaded himself that this meant, if not that +they were incapable of shameful actions, at least that it was a necessity +in human life, to which everyone must submit, to frequent the society of +people who were, perhaps, not incapable of such actions. And he continued +to shake hands with all the friends whom he had suspected, with the purely +formal reservation that each one of them had, possibly, been seeking to +drive him to despair. As for the actual contents of the letter, they did +not disturb him; for in not one of the charges which it formulated against +Odette could he see the least vestige of fact. Like many other men, Swann +had a naturally lazy mind, and was slow in invention. He knew quite well +as a general truth, that human life is full of contrasts, but in the case +of any one human being he imagined all that part of his or her life with +which he was not familiar as being identical with the part with which he +was. He imagined what was kept secret from him in the light of what was +revealed. At such times as he spent with Odette, if their conversation +turned upon an indelicate act committed, or an indelicate sentiment +expressed by some third person, she would ruthlessly condemn the culprit +by virtue of the same moral principles which Swann had always heard +expressed by his own parents, and to which he himself had remained loyal; +and then, she would arrange her flowers, would sip her tea, would shew an +interest in his work. So Swann extended those habits to fill the rest of +her life, he reconstructed those actions when he wished to form a picture +of the moments in which he and she were apart. If anyone had portrayed her +to him as she was, or rather as she had been for so long with himself, but +had substituted some other man, he would have been distressed, for such a +portrait would have struck him as lifelike. But to suppose that she went +to bad houses, that she abandoned herself to orgies with other women, that +she led the crapulous existence of the most abject, the most contemptible +of mortals--would be an insane wandering of the mind, for the realisation +of which, thank heaven, the chrysanthemums that he could imagine, the +daily cups of tea, the virtuous indignation left neither time nor place. +Only, now and again, he gave Odette to understand that people maliciously +kept him informed of everything that she did; and making opportune use of +some detail--insignificant but true--which he had accidentally learned, as +though it were the sole fragment which he would allow, in spite of +himself, to pass his lips, out of the numberless other fragments of that +complete reconstruction of her daily life which he carried secretly in his +mind, he led her to suppose that he was perfectly informed upon matters, +which, in reality, he neither knew nor suspected, for if he often adjured +Odette never to swerve from or make alteration of the truth, that was +only, whether he realised it or no, in order that Odette should tell him +everything that she did. No doubt, as he used to assure Odette, he loved +sincerity, but only as he might love a pander who could keep him in touch +with the daily life of his mistress. Moreover, his love of sincerity, not +being disinterested, had not improved his character. The truth which he +cherished was that which Odette would tell him; but he himself, in order +to extract that truth from her, was not afraid to have recourse to +falsehood, that very falsehood which he never ceased to depict to Odette +as leading every human creature down to utter degradation. In a word, he +lied as much as did Odette, because, while more unhappy than she, he was +no less egotistical. And she, when she heard him repeating thus to her the +things that she had done, would stare at him with a look of distrust and, +at all hazards, of indignation, so as not to appear to be humiliated, and +to be blushing for her actions. One day, after the longest period of calm +through which he had yet been able to exist without being overtaken by an +attack of jealousy, he had accepted an invitation to spend the evening at +the theatre with the Princesse des Laumes. Having opened his newspaper to +find out what was being played, the sight of the title--_Les Filles de +Marbre_, by Théodore Barrière,--struck him so cruel a blow that he +recoiled instinctively from it and turned his head away. Illuminated, as +though by a row of footlights, in the new surroundings in which it now +appeared, that word 'marble,' which he had lost the power to distinguish, +so often had it passed, in print, beneath his eyes, had suddenly become +visible once again, and had at once brought back to his mind the story +which Odette had told him, long ago, of a visit which she had paid to the +Salon at the Palais d'Industrie with Mme. Verdurin, who had said to her, +"Take care, now! I know how to melt you, all right. You're not made of +marble." Odette had assured him that it was only a joke, and he had not +attached any importance to it at the time. But he had had more confidence +in her then than he had now. And the anonymous letter referred explicitly +to relations of that sort. Without daring to lift his eyes to the +newspaper, he opened it, turned the page so as not to see again the words, +_Filles de Marbre_, and began to read mechanically the news from the +provinces. There had been a storm in the Channel, and damage was reported +from Dieppe, Cabourg, Beuzeval.... Suddenly he recoiled again in horror. + +The name of Beuzeval had suggested to him that of another place in the +same district, Beuzeville, which carried also, bound to it by a hyphen, a +second name, to wit Bréauté, which he had often seen on maps, but without +ever previously remarking that it was the same name as that borne by his +friend M. de Bréauté, whom the anonymous letter accused of having been +Odette's lover. After all, when it came to M. de Bréauté, there was +nothing improbable in the charge; but so far as Mme. Verdurin was +concerned, it was a sheer impossibility. From the fact that Odette did +occasionally tell a lie, it was not fair to conclude that she never, by +any chance, told the truth, and in these bantering conversations with Mme. +Verdurin which she herself had repeated to Swann, he could recognize those +meaningless and dangerous pleasantries which, in their inexperience of +life and ignorance of vice, women often utter (thereby certifying their +own innocence), who--as, for instance, Odette,--would be the last people +in the world to feel any undue affection for one another. Whereas, on the +other hand, the indignation with which she had scattered the suspicions +which she had unintentionally brought into being, for a moment, in his +mind by her story, fitted in with everything that he knew of the tastes, +the temperament of his mistress. But at that moment, by an inspiration of +jealousy, analogous to the inspiration which reveals to a poet or a +philosopher, who has nothing, so far, but an odd pair of rhymes or a +detached observation, the idea or the natural law which will give power, +mastery to his work, Swann recalled for the first time a remark which +Odette had made to him, at least two years before: "Oh, Mme. Verdurin, she +won't hear of anything just now but me. I'm a 'love,' if you please, and +she kisses me, and wants me to go with her everywhere, and call her by her +Christian name." So far from seeing in these expressions any connection +with the absurd insinuations, intended to create an atmosphere of vice, +which Odette had since repeated to him, he had welcomed them as a proof of +Mme. Verdurin's warm-hearted and generous friendship. But now this old +memory of her affection for Odette had coalesced suddenly with his more +recent memory of her unseemly conversation. He could no longer separate +them in his mind, and he saw them blended in reality, the affection +imparting a certain seriousness and importance to the pleasantries which, +in return, spoiled the affection of its innocence. He went to see Odette. +He sat down, keeping at a distance from her. He did not dare to embrace +her, not knowing whether in her, in himself, it would be affection or +anger that a kiss would provoke. He sat there silent, watching their love +expire. Suddenly he made up his mind. + +"Odette, my darling," he began, "I know, I am being simply odious, but I +must ask you a few questions. You remember what I once thought about you +and Mme. Verdurin? Tell me, was it true? Have you, with her or anyone +else, ever?" + +She shook her head, pursing her lips together; a sign which people +commonly employ to signify that they are not going, because it would bore +them to go, when some one has asked, "Are you coming to watch the +procession go by?", or "Will you be at the review?". But this shake of the +head, which is thus commonly used to decline participation in an event +that has yet to come, imparts for that reason an element of uncertainty to +the denial of participation in an event that is past. Furthermore, it +suggests reasons of personal convenience, rather than any definite +repudiation, any moral impossibility. When he saw Odette thus make him a +sign that the insinuation was false, he realised that it was quite +possibly true. + +"I have told you, I never did; you know quite well," she added, seeming +angry and uncomfortable. + +"Yes, I know all that; but are you quite sure? Don't say to me, 'You know +quite well'; say, 'I have never done anything of that sort with any +woman.'" + +She repeated his words like a lesson learned by rote, and as though she +hoped, thereby, to be rid of him: "I have never done anything of that sort +with any woman." + +"Can you swear it to me on your Laghetto medal?" + +Swann knew that Odette would never perjure herself on that. + +"Oh, you do make me so miserable," she cried, with a jerk of her body as +though to shake herself free of the constraint of his question. "Have you +nearly done? What is the matter with you to-day? You seem to have made up +your mind that I am to be forced to hate you, to curse you! Look, I was +anxious to be friends with you again, for us to have a nice time together, +like the old days; and this is all the thanks I get!" + +However, he would not let her go, but sat there like a surgeon who waits +for a spasm to subside that has interrupted his operation but need not +make him abandon it. + +"You are quite wrong in supposing that I bear you the least ill-will in +the world, Odette," he began with a persuasive and deceitful gentleness. +"I never speak to you except of what I already know, and I always know a +great deal more than I say. But you alone can mollify by your confession +what makes me hate you so long as it has been reported to me only by other +people. My anger with you is never due to your actions--I can and do +forgive you everything because I love you--but to your untruthfulness, the +ridiculous untruthfulness which makes you persist in denying things which +I know to be true. How can you expect that I shall continue to love you, +when I see you maintain, when I hear you swear to me a thing which I know +to be false? Odette, do not prolong this moment which is torturing us +both. If you are willing to end it at once, you shall be free of it for +ever. Tell me, upon your medal, yes or no, whether you have ever done +those things." + +"How on earth can I tell?" she was furious. "Perhaps I have, ever so long +ago, when I didn't know what I was doing, perhaps two or three times." + +Swann had prepared himself for all possibilities. Reality must, therefore, +be something which bears no relation to possibilities, any more than the +stab of a knife in one's body bears to the gradual movement of the clouds +overhead, since those words "two or three times" carved, as it were, a +cross upon the living tissues of his heart. A strange thing, indeed, that +those words, "two or three times," nothing more than a few words, words +uttered in the air, at a distance, could so lacerate a man's heart, as if +they had actually pierced it, could sicken a man, like a poison that he +had drunk. Instinctively Swann thought of the remark that he had heard at +Mme. de Saint-Euverte's: "I have never seen anything to beat it since the +table-turning." The agony that he now suffered in no way resembled what he +had supposed. Not only because, in the hours when he most entirely +mistrusted her, he had rarely imagined such a culmination of evil, but +because, even when he did imagine that offence, it remained vague, +uncertain, was not clothed in the particular horror which had escaped with +the words "perhaps two or three times," was not armed with that specific +cruelty, as different from anything that he had known as a new malady by +which one is attacked for the first time. And yet this Odette, from whom +all this evil sprang, was no less dear to him, was, on the contrary, more +precious, as if, in proportion as his sufferings increased, there +increased at the same time the price of the sedative, of the antidote +which this woman alone possessed. He wished to pay her more attention, as +one attends to a disease which one discovers, suddenly, to have grown more +serious. He wished that the horrible thing which, she had told him, she +had done "two or three times" might be prevented from occurring again. To +ensure that, he must watch over Odette. People often say that, by pointing +out to a man the faults of his mistress, you succeed only in strengthening +his attachment to her, because he does not believe you; yet how much more +so if he does! But, Swann asked himself, how could he manage to protect +her? He might perhaps be able to preserve her from the contamination of +any one woman, but there were hundreds of other women; and he realised how +insane had been his ambition when he had begun (on the evening when he had +failed to find Odette at the Verdurins') to desire the possession--as if +that were ever possible--of another person. Happily for Swann, beneath the +mass of suffering which had invaded his soul like a conquering horde of +barbarians, there lay a natural foundation, older, more placid, and +silently laborious, like the cells of an injured organ which at once set +to work to repair the damaged tissues, or the muscles of a paralysed limb +which tend to recover their former movements. These older, these +autochthonous in-dwellers in his soul absorbed all Swann's strength, for a +while, in that obscure task of reparation which gives one an illusory +sense of repose during convalescence, or after an operation. This time it +was not so much--as it ordinarily was--in Swann's brain that the +slackening of tension due to exhaustion took effect, it was rather in his +heart. But all the things in life that have once existed tend to recur, +and, like a dying animal that is once more stirred by the throes of a +convulsion which was, apparently, ended, upon Swann's heart, spared for a +moment only, the same agony returned of its own accord to trace the same +cross again. He remembered those moonlit evenings, when, leaning back in +the victoria that was taking him to the Rue La Pérouse, he would cultivate +with voluptuous enjoyment the emotions of a man in love, ignorant of the +poisoned fruit that such emotions must inevitably bear. But all those +thoughts lasted for no more than a second, the time that it took him to +raise his hand to his heart, to draw breath again and to contrive to +smile, so as to dissemble his torment. Already he had begun to put further +questions. For his jealousy, which had taken an amount of trouble, such as +no enemy would have incurred, to strike him this mortal blow, to make him +forcibly acquainted with the most cruel pain that he had ever known, his +jealousy was not satisfied that he had yet suffered enough, and sought to +expose his bosom to an even deeper wound. Like an evil deity, his jealousy +was inspiring Swann, was thrusting him on towards destruction. It was not +his fault, but Odette's alone, if at first his punishment was not more +severe. + +"My darling," he began again, "it's all over now; was it with anyone I +know?" + +"No, I swear it wasn't; besides, I think I exaggerated, I never really +went as far as that." + +He smiled, and resumed with: "Just as you like. It doesn't really matter, +but it's unfortunate that you can't give me any name. If I were able to +form an idea of the person that would prevent my ever thinking of her +again. I say it for your own sake, because then I shouldn't bother you any +more about it. It's so soothing to be able to form a clear picture of +things in one's mind. What is really terrible is what one cannot imagine. +But you've been so sweet to me; I don't want to tire you. I do thank you, +with all my heart, for all the good that you have done me. I've quite +finished now. Only one word more: how many times?" + +"Oh, Charles! can't you see, you're killing me? It's all ever so long ago. +I've never given it a thought. Anyone would say that you were positively +trying to put those ideas into my head again. And then you'd be a lot +better off!" she concluded, with unconscious stupidity but with +intentional malice. + +"I only wished to know whether it had been since I knew you. It's only +natural. Did it happen here, ever? You can't give me any particular +evening, so that I can remind myself what I was doing at the time? You +understand, surely, that it's not possible that you don't remember with +whom, Odette, my love." + +"But I don't know; really, I don't. I think it was in the Bois, one +evening when you came to meet us on the Island. You had been dining with +the Princesse des Laumes," she added, happy to be able to furnish him with +an exact detail, which testified to her veracity. "At the next table there +was a woman whom I hadn't seen for ever so long. She said to me, 'Come +along round behind the rock, there, and look at the moonlight on the +water!' At first I just yawned, and said, 'No, I'm too tired, and I'm +quite happy where I am, thank you.' She swore there'd never been anything +like it in the way of moonlight. 'I've heard that tale before,' I said to +her; you see, I knew quite well what she was after." Odette narrated this +episode almost as if it were a joke, either because it appeared to her to +be quite natural, or because she thought that she was thereby minimising +its importance, or else so as not to appear ashamed. But, catching sight +of Swann's face, she changed her tone, and: + +"You are a fiend!" she flung at him, "you enjoy tormenting me, making me +tell you lies, just so that you'll leave me in peace." + +This second blow struck at Swann was even more excruciating than the +first. Never had he supposed it to have been so recent an affair, hidden +from his eyes that had been too innocent to discern it, not in a past +which he had never known, but in evenings which he so well remembered, +which he had lived through with Odette, of which he had supposed himself +to have such an intimate, such an exhaustive knowledge, and which now +assumed, retrospectively, an aspect of cunning and deceit and cruelty. In +the midst of them parted, suddenly, a gaping chasm, that moment on the +Island in the Bois de Boulogne. Without being intelligent, Odette had the +charm of being natural. She had recounted, she had acted the little scene +with so much simplicity that Swann, as he gasped for breath, could vividly +see it: Odette yawning, the "rock there,"... He could hear her +answer--alas, how lightheartedly--"I've heard that tale before!" He felt +that she would tell him nothing more that evening, that no further +revelation was to be expected for the present. He was silent for a time, +then said to her: + +"My poor darling, you must forgive me; I know, I am hurting you +dreadfully, but it's all over now; I shall never think of it again." + +But she saw that his eyes remained fixed upon the things that he did not +know, and on that past era of their love, monotonous and soothing in his +memory because it was vague, and now rent, as with a sword-wound, by the +news of that minute on the Island in the Bois, by moonlight, while he was +dining with the Princesse des Laumes. But he had so far acquired the habit +of finding life interesting--of marvelling at the strange discoveries that +there were to be made in it--that even while he was suffering so acutely +that he did not believe it possible to endure such agony for any length of +time, he was saying to himself: "Life is indeed astonishing, and holds +some fine surprises; it appears that vice is far more common than one has +been led to believe. Here is a woman in whom I had absolute confidence, +who looks so simple, so honest, who, in any case, even allowing that her +morals are not strict, seemed quite normal and healthy in her tastes and +inclinations. I receive a most improbable accusation, I question her, and +the little that she admits reveals far more than I could ever have +suspected." But he could not confine himself to these detached +observations. He sought to form an exact estimate of the importance of +what she had just told him, so as to know whether he might conclude that +she had done these things often, and was likely to do them again. He +repeated her words to himself: "I knew quite well what she was after." +"Two or three times." "I've heard that tale before." But they did not +reappear in his memory unarmed; each of them held a knife with which it +stabbed him afresh. For a long time, like a sick man who cannot restrain +himself from attempting, every minute, to make the movement that, he +knows, will hurt him, he kept on murmuring to himself: "I'm quite happy +where I am, thank you," "I've heard that tale before," but the pain was so +intense that he was obliged to stop. He was amazed to find that actions +which he had always, hitherto, judged so lightly, had dismissed, indeed, +with a laugh, should have become as serious to him as a disease which +might easily prove fatal. He knew any number of women whom he could ask to +keep an eye on Odette, but how was he to expect them to adjust themselves +to his new point of view, and not to remain at that which for so long had +been his own, which had always guided him in his voluptuous existence; not +to say to him with a smile: "You jealous monster, wanting to rob other +people of their pleasure!" By what trap-door, suddenly lowered, had he +(who had never found, in the old days, in his love for Odette, any but the +most refined of pleasures) been precipitated into this new circle of hell +from which he could not see how he was ever to escape. Poor Odette! He +wished her no harm. She was but half to blame. Had he not been told that +it was her own mother who had sold her, when she was still little more +than a child, at Nice, to a wealthy Englishman? But what an agonising +truth was now contained for him in those lines of Alfred de Vigny's +_Journal d'un Poète_ which he had previously read without emotion: "When +one feels oneself smitten by love for a woman, one ought to say to +oneself, 'What are 'her surroundings? What has been her life?' All one's +future happiness lies in the answer." Swann was astonished that such +simple phrases, spelt over in his mind as, "I've heard that tale before," +or "I knew quite well what she was after," could cause him so much pain. +But he realised that what he had mistaken for simple phrases were indeed +parts of the panoply which held and could inflict on him the anguish that +he had felt while Odette was telling her story. For it was the same +anguish that he now was feeling afresh. It was no good, his knowing +now,--indeed, it was no good, as time went on, his having partly forgotten +and altogether forgiven the offence--whenever he repeated her words his +old anguish refashioned him as he had been before Odette began to speak: +ignorant, trustful; his merciless jealousy placed him once again, so that +he might be effectively wounded by Odette's admission, in the position of +a man who does not yet know the truth; and after several months this old +story would still dumbfounder him, like a sudden revelation. He marvelled +at the terrible recreative power of his memory. It was only by the +weakening of that generative force, whose fecundity diminishes as age +creeps over one, that he could hope for a relaxation of his torments. But, +as soon as the power that any one of Odette's sentences had to make Swann +suffer seemed to be nearly exhausted, lo and behold another, one of those +to which he had hitherto paid least attention, almost a new sentence, came +to relieve the first, and to strike at him with undiminished force. The +memory of the evening on which he had dined with the Princesse des Laumes +was painful to him, but it was no more than the centre, the core of his +pain. That radiated vaguely round about it, overflowing into all the +preceding and following days. And on whatever point in it he might intend +his memory to rest, it was the whole of that season, during which the +Verdurins had so often gone to dine upon the Island in the Bois, that +sprang back to hurt him. So violently, that by slow degrees the curiosity +which his jealousy was ever exciting in him was neutralised by his fear of +the fresh tortures which he would be inflicting upon himself were he to +satisfy it. He recognised that all the period of Odette's life which had +elapsed before she first met him, a period of which he had never sought to +form any picture in his mind, was not the featureless abstraction which he +could vaguely see, but had consisted of so many definite, dated years, +each crowded with concrete incidents. But were he to learn more of them, +he feared lest her past, now colourless, fluid and supportable, might +assume a tangible, an obscene form, with individual and diabolical +features. And he continued to refrain from seeking a conception of it, not +any longer now from laziness of mind, but from fear of suffering. He hoped +that, some day, he might be able to hear the Island in the Bois, or the +Princesse des Laumes mentioned without feeling any twinge of that old +rending pain; meanwhile he thought it imprudent to provoke Odette into +furnishing him with fresh sentences, with the names of more places and +people and of different events, which, when his malady was still scarcely +healed, would make it break out again in another form. + +But, often enough, the things that he did not know, that he dreaded, now, +to learn, it was Odette herself who, spontaneously and without thought of +what she did, revealed them to him; for the gap which her vices made +between her actual life and the comparatively innocent life which Swann +had believed, and often still believed his mistress to lead, was far wider +than she knew. A vicious person, always affecting the same air of virtue +before people whom he is anxious to keep from having any suspicion of his +vices, has no register, no gauge at hand from which he may ascertain bow +far those vices (their continuous growth being imperceptible by himself) +have gradually segregated him from the normal ways of life. In the course +of their cohabitation, in Odette's mind, with the memory of those of her +actions which she concealed from Swann, her other, her innocuous actions +were gradually coloured, infected by these, without her being able to +detect anything strange in them, without their causing any explosion in +the particular region of herself in which she made them live, but when she +related them to Swann, he was overwhelmed by the revelation of the +duplicity to which they pointed. One day, he was trying--without hurting +Odette--to discover from her whether she had ever had any dealings with +procuresses. He was, as a matter of fact, convinced that she had not; the +anonymous letter had put the idea into his mind, but in a purely +mechanical way; it had been received there with no credulity, but it had, +for all that, remained there, and Swann, wishing to be rid of the +burden--a dead weight, but none the less disturbing--of this suspicion, +hoped that Odette would now extirpate it for ever. + +"Oh dear, no! Not that they don't simply persecute me to go to them," her +smile revealed a gratified vanity which she no longer saw that it was +impossible should appear legitimate to Swann. "There was one of them +waited more than two hours for me yesterday, said she would give me any +money I asked. It seems, there's an Ambassador who said to her, 'I'll kill +myself if you don't bring her to me'--meaning me! They told her I'd gone +out, but she waited and waited, and in the end I had to go myself and +speak to her, before she'd go away. I do wish you could have seen the way +I tackled her; my maid was in the next room, listening, and told me I +shouted fit to bring the house down:--'But when you hear me say that I +don't want to! The idea of such a thing, I don't like it at all! I should +hope I'm still free to do as I please and when I please and where I +please! If I needed the money, I could understand...' The porter has +orders not to let her in again; he will tell her that I am out of town. +Oh, I do wish I could have had you hidden somewhere in the room while I +was talking to her. I know, you'd have been pleased, my dear. There's +some good in your little Odette, you see, after all, though people do say +such dreadful things about her." + +Besides, her very admissions--when she made any--of faults which she +supposed him to have discovered, rather served Swann as a starting-point +for fresh doubts than they put an end to the old. For her admissions never +exactly coincided with his doubts. In vain might Odette expurgate her +confession of all its essential part, there would remain in the +accessories something which Swann had never yet imagined, which crushed +him anew, and was to enable him to alter the terms of the problem of his +jealousy. And these admissions he could never forget. His spirit carried +them along, cast them aside, then cradled them again in its bosom, like +corpses in a river. And they poisoned it. + +She spoke to him once of a visit that Forcheville had paid her on the day +of the Paris-Murcie Fête. "What! you knew him as long ago as that? Oh, +yes, of course you did," he corrected himself, so as not to shew that he +had been ignorant of the fact. And suddenly he began to tremble at the +thought that, on the day of the Paris-Murcie Fête, when he had received +that letter which he had so carefully preserved, she had been having +luncheon, perhaps, with Forcheville at the Maison d'Or. She swore that she +had not. "Still, the Maison d'Or reminds me of something or other which, I +knew at the time, wasn't true," he pursued, hoping to frighten her. "Yes +that I hadn't been there at all that evening when I told you I had just +come from there, and you had been looking for me at Prévost's," she +replied (judging by his manner that he knew) with a firmness that was +based not so much upon cynicism as upon timidity, a fear of crossing +Swann, which her own self-respect made her anxious to conceal, and a +desire to shew him that she could be perfectly frank if she chose. And so +she struck him with all the sharpness and force of a headsman wielding his +axe, and yet could not be charged with cruelty, since she was quite +unconscious of hurting him; she even began to laugh, though this may +perhaps, it is true, have been chiefly to keep him from thinking that she +was ashamed, at all, or confused. "It's quite true, I hadn't been to the +Maison Dorée. I was coming away from Forcheville's. I had, really, been to +Prévost's--that wasn't a story--and he met me there and asked me to come +in and look at his prints. But some one else came to see him. I told you +that I was coming from the Maison d'Or because I was afraid you might be +angry with me. It was rather nice of me, really, don't you see? I admit, I +did wrong, but at least I'm telling you all about it now, a'n't I? What +have I to gain by not telling you, straight, that I lunched with him on +the day of the Paris-Murcie Fête, if it were true? Especially as at that +time we didn't know one another quite so well as we do now, did we, dear?" + +He smiled back at her with the sudden, craven weakness of the utterly +spiritless creature which these crushing words had made of him. And so, +even in the months of which he had never dared to think again, because +they had been too happy, in those months when she had loved him, she was +already lying to him! Besides that moment (that first evening on which +they had "done a cattleya") when she had told him that she was coming from +the Maison Dorée, how many others must there have been, each of them +covering a falsehood of which Swann had had no suspicion. He recalled how +she had said to him once: "I need only tell Mme. Verdurin that my dress +wasn't ready, or that my cab came late. There is always some excuse." From +himself too, probably, many times when she had glibly uttered such words +as explain a delay or justify an alteration of the hour fixed for a +meeting, those moments must have hidden, without his having the least +inkling of it at the time, an engagement that she had had with some other +man, some man to whom she had said: "I need only tell Swann that my dress +wasn't ready, or that my cab came late. There is always some excuse." And +beneath all his most pleasant memories, beneath the simplest words that +Odette had ever spoken to him in those old days, words which he had +believed as though they were the words of a Gospel, beneath her daily +actions which she had recounted to him, beneath the most ordinary places, +her dressmaker's flat, the Avenue du Bois, the Hippodrome, he could feel +(dissembled there, by virtue of that temporal superfluity which, after the +most detailed account of how a day has been spent, always leaves something +over, that may serve as a hiding place for certain unconfessed actions), +he could feel the insinuation of a possible undercurrent of falsehood +which debased for him all that had remained most precious, his happiest +evenings, the Rue La Pérouse itself, which Odette must constantly have +been leaving at other hours than those of which she told him; extending +the power of the dark horror that had gripped him when he had heard her +admission with regard to the Maison Dorée, and, like the obscene creatures +in the 'Desolation of Nineveh,' shattering, stone by stone, the whole +edifice of his past.... If, now, he turned aside whenever his memory +repeated the cruel name of the Maison Dorée it was because that name +recalled to him, no longer, as, such a little time since, at Mme. de +Saint-Euverte's party, the good fortune which he long had lost, but a +misfortune of which he was now first aware. Then it befell the Maison +Dorée, as it had befallen the Island in the Bois, that gradually its name +ceased to trouble him. For what we suppose to be our love, our jealousy +are, neither of them, single, continuous and individual passions. They are +composed of an infinity of successive loves, of different jealousies, each +of which is ephemeral, although by their uninterrupted multitude they give +us the impression of continuity, the illusion of unity. The life of +Swann's love, the fidelity of his jealousy, were formed out of death, of +infidelity, of innumerable desires, innumerable doubts, all of which had +Odette for their object. If he had remained for any length of time without +seeing her, those that died would not have been replaced by others. But +the presence of Odette continued to sow in Swann's heart alternate seeds +of love and suspicion. + +On certain evenings she would suddenly resume towards him a kindness of +which she would warn him sternly that he must take immediate advantage, +under penalty of not seeing it repeated for years to come; he must +instantly accompany her home, to "do a cattleya," and the desire which she +pretended to have for him was so sudden, so inexplicable, so imperious, +the kisses which she lavished on him were so demonstrative and so +unfamiliar, that this brutal and unnatural fondness made Swann just as +unhappy as any lie or unkind action. One evening when he had thus, in +obedience to her command, gone home with her, and while she was +interspersing her kisses with passionate words, in strange contrast to her +habitual coldness, he thought suddenly that he heard a sound; he rose, +searched everywhere and found nobody, but he had not the courage to return +to his place by her side; whereupon she, in a towering rage, broke a vase, +with "I never can do anything right with you, you impossible person!" And +he was left uncertain whether she had not actually had some man concealed +in the room, whose jealousy she had wished to wound, or else to inflame +his senses. + +Sometimes he repaired to 'gay' houses, hoping to learn something about +Odette, although he dared not mention her name. "I have a little thing +here, you're sure to like," the 'manageress' would greet him, and he would +stay for an hour or so, talking dolefully to some poor girl who sat there +astonished that he went no further. One of them, who was still quite young +and attractive, said to him once, "Of course, what I should like would be +to find a real friend, then he might be quite certain, I should never go +with any other men again." "Indeed, do you think it possible for a woman +really to be touched by a man's being in love with her, and never to be +unfaithful to him?" asked Swann anxiously. "Why, surely! It all depends on +their characters!" Swann could not help making the same remarks to these +girls as would have delighted the Princesse des Laumes. To the one who was +in search of a friend he said, with a smile: "But how nice of you, you've +put on blue eyes, to go with your sash." "And you too, you've got blue +cuffs on." "What a charming conversation we are having, for a place of +this sort! I'm not boring you, am I; or keeping you?" "No, I've nothing to +do, thank you. If you bored me I should say so. But I love hearing you +talk." "I am highly flattered.... Aren't we behaving prettily?" he asked +the 'manageress,' who had just looked in. "Why, yes, that's just what I +was saying to myself, how sensibly they're behaving! But that's how it is! +People come to my house now, just to talk. The Prince was telling me, only +the other day, that he's far more comfortable here than with his wife. It +seems that, nowadays, all the society ladies are like that; a perfect +scandal, I call it. But I'll leave you in peace now, I know when I'm not +wanted," she ended discreetly, and left Swann with the girl who had the +blue eyes. But presently he rose and said good-bye to her. She had ceased +to interest him. She did not know Odette. + +The painter having been ill, Dr. Cottard recommended a sea-voyage; several +of the 'faithful' spoke of accompanying him; the Verdurins could not face +the prospect of being left alone in Paris, so first of all hired, and +finally purchased a yacht; thus Odette was constantly going on a cruise. +Whenever she had been away for any length of time, Swann would feel that +he was beginning to detach himself from her, but, as though this moral +distance were proportionate to the physical distance between them, +whenever he heard that Odette had returned to Paris, he could not rest +without seeing her. Once, when they had gone away, as everyone thought, +for a month only, either they succumbed to a series of temptations, or +else M. Verdurin had cunningly arranged everything beforehand, to please +his wife, and disclosed his plans to the 'faithful' only as time went on; +anyhow, from Algiers they flitted to Tunis; then to Italy, Greece, +Constantinople, Asia Minor. They had been absent for nearly a year, and +Swann felt perfectly at ease and almost happy. Albeit M. Verdurin had +endeavoured to persuade the pianist and Dr. Cottard that their respective +aunt and patients had no need of them, and that, in any event, it was most +rash to allow Mme. Cottard to return to Paris, where, Mme. Verdurin +assured him, a revolution had just broken out, he was obliged to grant +them their liberty at Constantinople. And the painter came home with them. +One day, shortly after the return of these four travellers, Swann, seeing +an omnibus approach him, labelled 'Luxembourg,' and having some business +there, had jumped on to it and had found himself sitting opposite Mme. +Cottard, who was paying a round of visits to people whose 'day' it was, in +full review order, with a plume in her hat, a silk dress, a muff, an +umbrella (which do for a parasol if the rain kept off), a card-case, and a +pair of white gloves fresh from the cleaners. Wearing these badges of +rank, she would, in fine weather, go on foot from one house to another in +the same neighbourhood, but when she had to proceed to another district, +would make use of a transfer-ticket on the omnibus. For the first minute +or two, until the natural courtesy of the woman broke through the starched +surface of the doctor's-wife, not being certain, either, whether she ought +to mention the Verdurins before Swann, she produced, quite naturally, in +her slow and awkward, but not unattractive voice, which, every now and +then, was completely drowned by the rattling of the omnibus, topics +selected from those which she had picked up and would repeat in each of +the score of houses up the stairs of which she clambered in the course of +an afternoon. + +"I needn't ask you, M. Swann, whether a man so much in the movement as +yourself has been to the Mirlitons, to see the portrait by Machard that +the whole of Paris is running after. Well, and what do you think of it? +Whose camp are you in, those who bless or those who curse? It's the same +in every house in Paris now, no one will speak of anything else but +Machard's portrait; you aren't smart, you aren't really cultured, you +aren't up-to-date unless you give an opinion on Machard's portrait." + +Swann having replied that he had not seen this portrait, Mme. Cottard was +afraid that she might have hurt his feelings by obliging him to confess +the omission. + +"Oh, that's quite all right! At least you have the courage to be quite +frank about it. You don't consider yourself disgraced because you haven't +seen Machard's portrait. I do think that so nice of you. Well now, I have +seen it; opinion is divided, you know, there are some people who find it +rather laboured, like whipped cream, they say; but I think it's just +ideal. Of course, she's not a bit like the blue and yellow ladies that +our friend Biche paints. That's quite clear. But I must tell you, +perfectly frankly (you'll think me dreadfully old-fashioned, but I always +say just what I think), that I don't understand his work. I can quite see +the good points there are in his portrait of my husband; oh, dear me, yes; +and it's certainly less odd than most of what he does, but even then he +had to give the poor man a blue moustache! But Machard! Just listen to +this now, the husband of my friend, I am on my way to see at this very +moment (which has given me the very great pleasure of your company), has +promised her that, if he is elected to the Academy (he is one of the +Doctor's colleagues), he will get Machard to paint her portrait. So she's +got something to look forward to! I have another friend who insists that +she'd rather have Leloir. I'm only a wretched Philistine, and I've no +doubt Leloir has perhaps more knowledge of painting even than Machard. But +I do think that the most important thing about a portrait, especially when +it's going to cost ten thousand francs, is that it should be like, and a +pleasant likeness, if you know what I mean." + +Having exhausted this topic, to which she had been inspired by the +loftiness of her plume, the monogram on her card-case, the little number +inked inside each of her gloves by the cleaner, and the difficulty of +speaking to Swann about the Verdurins, Mme. Cottard, seeing that they had +still a long way to go before they would reach the corner of the Rue +Bonaparte, where the conductor was to set her down, listened to the +promptings of her heart, which counselled other words than these. + +"Your ears must have been burning," she ventured, "while we were on the +yacht with Mme. Verdurin. We were talking about you all the time." + +Swann was genuinely astonished, for he supposed that his name was never +uttered in the Verdurins' presence. + +"You see," Mme. Cottard went on, "Mme. de Crécy was there; need I say +more? When Odette is anywhere it's never long before she begins talking +about you. And you know quite well, it isn't nasty things she says. What! +you don't believe me!" she went on, noticing that Svrann looked sceptical. +And, carried away by the sincerity of her conviction, without putting any +evil meaning into the word, which she used purely in the sense in which +one employs it to speak of the affection that unites a pair of friends: +"Why, she _adores_ you! No, indeed; I'm sure it would never do to say +anything against you when she was about; one would soon be taught one's +place! Whatever we might be doing, if we were looking at a picture, for +instance, she would say, 'If only we had him here, he's the man who could +tell us whether it's genuine or not. There's no one like him for that.' +And all day long she would be saying, 'What can he be doing just now? I +do hope, he's doing a little work! It's too dreadful that a fellow with +such gifts as he has should be so lazy.' (Forgive me, won't you.) 'I can +see him this very moment; he's thinking of us, he's wondering where we +are.' Indeed, she used an expression which I thought very pretty at the +time. M. Verdurin asked her, 'How in the world can you see what he's +doing, when he's a thousand miles away?' And Odette answered, 'Nothing is +impossible to the eye of a friend.' + +"No, I assure you, I'm not saying it just to flatter you; you have a true +friend in her, such as one doesn't often find. I can tell you, besides, in +case you don't know it, that you're the only one. Mme. Verdurin told me as +much herself on our last day with them (one talks more freely, don't you +know, before a parting), 'I don't say that Odette isn't fond of us, but +anything that we may say to her counts for very little beside what Swann +might say.' Oh, mercy, there's the conductor stopping for me; here have I +been chatting away to you, and would have gone right past the Rue +Bonaparte, and never noticed... Will you be so very kind as to tell me +whether my plume is straight?" + +And Mme. Cottard withdrew from her muff, to offer it to Swann, a +white-gloved hand from which there floated, with a transier-ticket, an +atmosphere of fashionable life that pervaded the omnibus, blended with the +harsher fragrance of newly cleaned kid. And Swann felt himself overflowing +with gratitude to her, as well as to Mme. Verdurin (and almost to Odette, +for the feeling that he now entertained for her was no longer tinged with +pain, was scarcely even to be described, now, as love), while from the +platform of the omnibus he followed her with loving eyes, as she gallantly +threaded her way along the Rue Bonaparte, her plume erect, her skirt held +up in one hand, while in the other she clasped her umbrella and her +card-case, so that its monogram could be seen, her muff dancing in the air +before her as she went. + +To compete with and so to stimulate the moribund feelings that Swann had +for Odette, Mme. Cottard, a wiser physician, in this case, than ever her +husband would have been, had grafted among them others more normal, +feelings of gratitude, of friendship, which in Swann's mind were to make +Odette seem again more human (more like other women, since other women +could inspire the same feelings in him), were to hasten her final +transformation back into that Odette, loved with an undisturbed affection, +who had taken him home one evening after a revel at the painter's, to +drink orangeade with Forcheville, that Odette with whom Swann had +calculated that he might live in happiness. + +In former times, having often thought with terror that a day must come +when he would cease to be in love with Odette, he had determined to keep a +sharp look-out, and as soon as he felt that love was beginning to escape +him, to cling tightly to it and to hold it back. But now, to the faintness +of his love there corresponded a simultaneous faintness in his desire to +remain her lover. For a man cannot change, that is to say become another +person, while he continues to obey the dictates of the self which he has +ceased to be. Occasionally the name, if it caught his eye in a newspaper, +of one of the men whom he supposed to have been Odette's lovers, +reawakened his jealousy. But it was very slight, and, inasmuch as it +proved to him that he had not completely emerged from that period in which +he had so keenly suffered--though in it he had also known a way of feeling +so intensely happy--and that the accidents of his course might still +enable him to catch an occasional glimpse, stealthily and at a distance, +of its beauties, this jealousy gave him, if anything, an agreeable thrill, +as to the sad Parisian, when he has left Venice behind him and must return +to France, a last mosquito proves that Italy and summer are still not too +remote. But, as a rule, with this particular period of his life from which +he was emerging, when he made an effort, if not to remain in it, at least +to obtain, while still he might, an uninterrupted view of it, he +discovered that already it was too late; he would have looked back to +distinguish, as it might be a landscape that was about to disappear, that +love from which he had departed, but it is so difficult to enter into a +state of complete duality and to present to oneself the lifelike spectacle +of a feeling which one has ceased to possess, that very soon, the clouds +gathering in his brain, he could see nothing, he would abandon the +attempt, would take the glasses from his nose and wipe them; and he told +himself that he would do better to rest for a little, that there would be +time enough later on, and settled back into his corner with as little +curiosity, with as much torpor as the drowsy traveller who pulls his cap +down over his eyes so as to get some sleep in the railway-carriage that is +drawing him, he feels, faster and faster, out of the country in which he +has lived for so long, and which he vowed that he would not allow to slip +away from him without looking out to bid it a last farewell. Indeed, like +the same traveller, if he does not awake until he has crossed the frontier +and is again in France, when Swann happened to alight, close at hand, upon +something which proved that Forcheville had been Odette's lover, he +discovered that it caused him no pain, that love was now utterly remote, +and he regretted that he had had no warning of the moment in which he had +emerged from it for ever. And just as, before kissing Odette for the first +time, he had sought to imprint upon his memory the face that for so long +had been familiar, before it was altered by the additional memory of their +kiss, so he could have wished--in thought at least--to have been in a +position to bid farewell, while she still existed, to that Odette who had +inspired love in him and jealousy, to that Odette who had caused him so to +suffer, and whom now he would never see again. He was mistaken. He was +destined to see her once again, a few weeks later. It was while he was +asleep, in the twilight of a dream. He was walking with Mme. Verdurin, Dr. +Cottard, a young man in a fez whom he failed to identify, the painter, +Odette, Napoleon III and my grandfather, along a path which followed the +line of the coast, and overhung the sea, now at a great height, now by a +few feet only, so that they were continually going up and down; those of +the party who had reached the downward slope were no longer visible to +those who were still climbing; what little daylight yet remained was +failing, and it seemed as though a black night was immediately to fall on +them. Now and then the waves dashed against the cliff, and Swann could +feel on his cheek a shower of freezing spray. Odette told him to wipe this +off, but he could not, and felt confused and helpless in her company, as +well as because he was in his nightshirt. He hoped that, in the darkness, +this might pass unnoticed; Mme. Verdurin, however, fixed her astonished +gaze upon him for an endless moment, in which he saw her face change its +shape, her nose grow longer, while beneath it there sprouted a heavy +moustache. He turned away to examine Odette; her cheeks were pale, with +little fiery spots, her features drawn and ringed with shadows; but she +looked back at him with eyes welling with affection, ready to detach +themselves like tears and to fall upon his face, and he felt that he loved +her so much that he would have liked to carry her off with him at once. +Suddenly Odette turned her wrist, glanced at a tiny watch, and said: "I +must go." She took leave of everyone, in the same formal manner, without +taking Swann aside, without telling him where they were to meet that +evening, or next day. He dared not ask, he would have liked to follow her, +he was obliged, without turning back in her direction, to answer with a +smile some question by Mme. Verdurin; but his heart was frantically +beating, he felt that he now hated Odette, he would gladly have crushed +those eyes which, a moment ago, he had loved so dearly, have torn the +blood into those lifeless cheeks. He continued to climb with Mme. +Verdurin, that is to say that each step took him farther from Odette, who +was going downhill, and in the other direction. A second passed and it was +many hours since she had left him. The painter remarked to Swann that +Napoleon III had eclipsed himself immediately after Odette. "They had +obviously arranged it between them," he added; "they must have agreed to +meet at the foot of the cliff, but they wouldn't say good-bye together; it +might have looked odd. She is his mistress." The strange young man burst +into tears. Swann endeavoured to console him. "After all, she is quite +right," he said to the young man, drying his eyes for him and taking off +the fez to make him feel more at ease. "I've advised her to do that, +myself, a dozen times. Why be so distressed? He was obviously the man to +understand her." So Swann reasoned with himself, for the young man whom he +had failed, at first, to identify, was himself also; like certain +novelists, he had distributed his own personality between two characters, +him who was the 'first person' in the dream, and another whom he saw +before him, capped with a fez. + +As for Napoleon III, it was to Forcheville that some vague association of +ideas, then a certain modification of the Baron's usual physiognomy, and +lastly the broad ribbon of the Legion of Honour across his breast, had +made Swann give that name; but actually, and in everything that the person +who appeared in his dream represented and recalled to him, it was indeed +Forcheville. For, from an incomplete and changing set of images, Swann in +his sleep drew false deductions, enjoying, at the same time, such creative +power that he was able to reproduce himself by a simple act of division, +like certain lower organisms; with the warmth that he felt in his own palm +he modelled the hollow of a strange hand which he thought that he was +clasping, and out of feelings and impressions of which he was not yet +conscious, he brought about sudden vicissitudes which, by a chain of +logical sequences, would produce, at definite points in his dream, the +person required to receive his love or to startle him awake. In an instant +night grew black about him; an alarum rang, the inhabitants ran past him, +escaping from their blazing houses; he could hear the thunder of the +surging waves, and also of his own heart, which, with equal violence, was +anxiously beating in his breast. Suddenly the speed of these palpitations +redoubled, he felt a pain, a nausea that were inexplicable; a peasant, +dreadfully burned, flung at him as he passed: "Come and ask Charlus where +Odette spent the night with her friend. He used to go about with her, and +she tells him everything. It was they that started the fire." It was his +valet, come to awaken him, and saying:--- + +"Sir, it is eight o'clock, and the barber is here. I have told him to call +again in an hour." + +But these words, as they dived down through the waves of sleep in which +Swann was submerged, did not reach his consciousness without undergoing +that refraction which turns a ray of light, at the bottom of a bowl of +water, into another sun; just as, a moment earlier, the sound of the +door-bell, swelling in the depths of his abyss of sleep into the clangour +of an alarum, had engendered the episode of the fire. Meanwhile the +scenery of his dream-stage scattered in dust, he opened his eyes, heard +for the last time the boom of a wave in the sea, grown very distant. He +touched his cheek. It was dry. And yet he could feel the sting of the cold +spray, and the taste of salt on his lips. He rose, and dressed himself. He +had made the barber come early because he had written, the day before, to +my grandfather, to say that he was going, that afternoon, to Combray, +having learned that Mme. de Cambremer--Mlle. Legrandin that had been--was +spending a few days there. The association in his memory of her young and +charming face with a place in the country which he had not visited for so +long, offered him a combined attraction which had made him decide at last +to leave Paris for a while. As the different changes and chances that +bring us into the company of certain other people in this life do not +coincide with the periods in which we are in love with those people, but, +overlapping them, may occur before love has begun, and may be repeated +after love is ended, the earliest appearances, in our life, of a creature +who is destined to afford us pleasure later on, assume retrospectively in +our eyes a certain value as an indication, a warning, a presage. It was in +this fashion that Swann had often carried back his mind to the image of +Odette, encountered in the theatre, on that first evening when he had no +thought of ever seeing her again--and that he now recalled the party at +Mme. de Saint-Euverte's, at which he had introduced General de +Frober-ville to Mme. de Cambremer. So manifold are our interests in life +that it is not uncommon that, on a single occasion, the foundations of a +happiness which does not yet exist are laid down simultaneously with +aggravations of a grief from which we are still suffering. And, no doubt, +that might have occurred to Swann elsewhere than at Mme. de +Saint-Euverte's. Who, indeed, can say whether, in the event of his having +gone, that evening, somewhere else, other happinesses, other griefs would +not have come to him, which, later, would have appeared to have been +inevitable? But what did seem to him to have been inevitable was what had +indeed taken place, and he was not far short of seeing something +providential in the fact that he had at last decided to go to Mme. de +Saint-Euverte's that evening, because his mind, anxious to admire the +richness of invention that life shews, and incapable of facing a difficult +problem for any length of time, such as to discover what, actually, had +been most to be wished for, came to the conclusion that the sufferings +through which he had passed that evening, and the pleasures, at that time +unsuspected, which were already being brought to birth,--the exact balance +between which was too difficult to establish--were linked by a sort of +concatenation of necessity. + +But while, an hour after his awakening, he was giving instructions to the +barber, so that his stiffly brushed hair should not become disarranged on +the journey, he thought once again of his dream; he saw once again, as he +had felt them close beside him, Odette's pallid complexion, her too thin +cheeks, her drawn features, her tired eyes, all the things which--in the +course of those successive bursts of affection which had made of his +enduring love for Odette a long oblivion of the first impression that he +had formed of her--he had ceased to observe after the first few days of +their intimacy, days to which, doubtless, while he slept, his memory had +returned to seek the exact sensation of those things. And with that old, +intermittent fatuity, which reappeared in him now that he was no longer +unhappy, and lowered, at the same time, the average level of his morality, +he cried out in his heart: "To think that I have wasted years of my life, +that I have longed for death, that the greatest love that I have ever +known has been for a woman who did not please me, who was not in my +style!" + + + + +PLACE-NAMES: THE NAME + + +Among the rooms which used most commonly to take shape in my mind during +my long nights of sleeplessness, there was none that differed more utterly +from the rooms at Combray, thickly powdered with the motes of an +atmosphere granular, pollenous, edible and instinct with piety, than my +room in the Grand Hôtel de la Plage, at Balbec, the walls of which, washed +with ripolin, contained, like the polished sides of a basin in which the +water glows with a blue, lurking fire, a finer air, pure, azure-tinted, +saline. The Bavarian upholsterer who had been entrusted with the +furnishing of this hotel had varied his scheme of decoration in different +rooms, and in that which I found myself occupying had set against the +walls, on three sides of it, a series of low book-cases with glass fronts, +in which, according to where they stood, by a law of nature which he had, +perhaps, forgotten to take into account, was reflected this or that +section of the ever-changing view of the sea, so that the walls were lined +with a frieze of seascapes, interrupted only by the polished mahogany of +the actual shelves. And so effective was this that the whole room had the +appearance of one of those model bedrooms which you see nowadays in +Housing Exhibitions, decorated with works of art which are calculated by +their designer to refresh the eyes of whoever may ultimately have to sleep +in the rooms, the subjects being kept in some degree of harmony with the +locality and surroundings of the houses for which the rooms are planned. + +And yet nothing could have differed more utterly, either, from the real +Balbec than that other Balbec of which I had often dreamed, on stormy +days, when the wind was so strong that Françoise, as she took me to the +Champs-Elysées, would warn me not to walk too near the side of the street, +or I might have my head knocked off by a falling slate, and would recount +to me, with many lamentations, the terrible disasters and shipwrecks that +were reported in the newspaper. I longed for nothing more than to behold a +storm at sea, less as a mighty spectacle than as a momentary revelation of +the true life of nature; or rather there were for me no mighty spectacles +save those which I knew to be not artificially composed for my +entertainment, but necessary and unalterable,--the beauty of landscapes or +of great works of art. I was not curious, I did not thirst to know +anything save what I believed to be more genuine than myself, what had for +me the supreme merit of shewing me a fragment of the mind of a great +genius, or of the force or the grace of nature as she appeared when left +entirely to herself, without human interference. Just as the lovely sound +of her voice, reproduced, all by itself, upon the phonograph, could never +console a man for the loss of his mother, so a mechanical imitation of a +storm would have left me as cold as did the illuminated fountains at the +Exhibition. I required also, if the storm was to be absolutely genuine, +that the shore from which I watched it should be a natural shore, not an +embankment recently constructed by a municipality. Besides, nature, by all +the feelings that she aroused in me, seemed to me the most opposite thing +in the world to the mechanical inventions of mankind The less she bore +their imprint, the more room she offered for the expansion of my heart. +And, as it happened, I had preserved the name of Balbec, which Legrandin +had cited to us, as that of a sea-side place in the very midst of "that +funereal coast, famed for the number of its wrecks, swathed, for six +months in the year, in a shroud of fog and flying foam from the waves. + +"You feel, there, below your feet still," he had told me, "far more even +than at Finistère (and even though hotels are now being superimposed upon +it, without power, however, to modify that oldest bone in the earth's +skeleton) you feel there that you are actually at the land's end of +France, of Europe, of the Old World. And it is the ultimate encampment of +the fishermen, precisely like the fishermen who have lived since the +world's beginning, facing the everlasting kingdom of the sea-fogs and +shadows of the night." One day when, at Combray, I had spoken of this +coast, this Balbec, before M. Swann, hoping to learn from him whether it +was the best point to select for seeing the most violent storms, he had +replied: "I should think I did know Balbec! The church at Balbec, built in +the twelfth and thirteenth centuries, and still half romanesque, is +perhaps the most curious example to be found of our Norman gothic, and so +exceptional that one is tempted to describe it as Persian in its +inspiration." And that region, which, until then, had seemed to me to be +nothing else than a part of immemorial nature, that had remained +contemporaneous with the great phenomena of geology--and as remote from +human history as the Ocean itself, or the Great Bear, with its wild race +of fishermen for whom, no more than for their whales, had there been any +Middle Ages--it had been a great joy to me to see it suddenly take its +place in the order of the centuries, with a stored consciousness of the +romanesque epoch, and to know that the gothic trefoil had come to +diversify those wild rocks also, at the appointed hour, like those frail +but hardy plants which, in the Polar regions, when the spring returns, +scatter their stars about the eternal snows. And if gothic art brought to +those places and people a classification which, otherwise, they lacked, +they too conferred one upon it in return. I tried to form a picture in my +mind of how those fishermen had lived, the timid and unsuspected essay +towards social intercourse which they had attempted there, clustered upon +a promontory of the shores of Hell, at the foot of the cliffs of death; +and gothic art seemed to me a more living thing now that, detaching it +from the towns in which, until then, I had always imagined it, I could see +how, in a particular instance, upon a reef of savage rocks, it had taken +root and grown until it flowered in a tapering spire. I was taken to see +reproductions of the most famous of the statues at Balbec,--shaggy, +blunt-faced Apostles, the Virgin from the porch,--and I could scarcely +breathe for joy at the thought that I might myself, one day, see them take +a solid form against their eternal background of salt fog. Thereafter, on +dear, tempestuous February nights, the wind--- breathing into my heart, +which it shook no less violently than the chimney of my bedroom, the +project of a visit to Balbec--blended in me the desire for gothic +architecture with that for a storm upon the sea. + +I should have liked to take, the very next day, the good, the generous +train at one twenty-two, of which never without a palpitating heart could +I read, in the railway company's bills or in advertisements of circular +tours, the hour of departure: it seemed to me to cut, at a precise point +in every afternoon, a most fascinating groove, a mysterious mark, from +which the diverted hours still led one on, of course, towards evening, +towards to-morrow morning, but to an evening and morning which one would +behold, not in Paris but in one of those towns through which the train +passed and among which it allowed one to choose; for it stopped at Bayeux, +at Coutances, at Vitré, at Questambert, at Pontorson, at Balbec, at +Lannion, at Lamballe, at Benodet, at Pont-Aven, at Quimperle, and +progressed magnificently surcharged with names which it offered me, so +that, among them all, I did not know which to choose, so impossible was it +to sacrifice any. But even without waiting for the train next day, I +could, by rising and dressing myself with all speed, leave Paris that very +evening, should my parents permit, and arrive at Balbec as dawn spread +westward over the raging sea, from whose driven foam I would seek shelter +in that church in the Persian manner. But at the approach of the Easter +holidays, when my parents bad promised to let me spend them, for once, in +the North of Italy, lo! in place of those dreams of tempests, by which I +had been entirely possessed, not wishing to see anything but waves dashing +in from all sides, mounting always higher, upon the wildest of coasts, +beside churches as rugged and precipitous as cliffs, in whose towers the +sea-birds would be wailing; suddenly, effacing them, taking away all their +charm, excluding them because they were its opposite and could only have +weakened its effect, was substituted in me the converse dream of the most +variegated of springs, not the spring of Combray, still pricking with all +the needle-points of the winter's frost, but that which already covered +with lilies and anemones the meadows of Fiesole, and gave Florence a +dazzling golden background, like those in Fra Angelico's pictures. From +that moment, only sunlight, perfumes, colours, seemed to me to have any +value; for this alternation of images had effected a change of front in my +desire, and--as abrupt as those that occur sometimes in music,--a complete +change of tone in my sensibility. Thus it came about that a mere +atmospheric variation would be sufficient to provoke in me that +modulation, without there being any need for me to await the return of a +season. For often we find a day, in one, that has strayed from another +season, and makes us live in that other, summons at once into our presence +and makes us long for its peculiar pleasures, and interrupts the dreams +that we were in process of weaving, by inserting, out of its turn, too +early or too late, this leaf, torn from another chapter, in the +interpolated calendar of Happiness. But soon it happened that, like those +natural phenomena from which our comfort or our health can derive but an +accidental and all too modest benefit, until the day when science takes +control of them, and, producing them at will, places in our hands the +power to order their appearance, withdrawn from the tutelage and +independent of the consent of chance; similarly the production of these +dreams of the Atlantic and of Italy ceased to depend entirely upon the +changes of the seasons and of the weather. I need only, to make them +reappear, pronounce the names: Balbec, Venice, Florence, within whose +syllables had gradually accumulated all the longing inspired in me by the +places for which they stood. Even in spring, to come in a book upon the +name of Balbec sufficed to awaken in me the desire for storms at sea and +for the Norman gothic; even on a stormy day the name of Florence or of +Venice would awaken the desire for sunshine, for lilies, for the Palace of +the Doges and for Santa Maria del Fiore. + +But if their names thus permanently absorbed the image that I had formed +of these towns, it was only by transforming that image, by subordinating +its reappearance in me to their own special laws; and in consequence of +this they made it more beautiful, but at the same time more different from +anything that the towns of Normandy or Tuscany could in reality be, and, +by increasing the arbitrary delights of my imagination, aggravated the +disenchantment that was in store for me when I set out upon my travels. +They magnified the idea that I formed of certain points on the earth's +surface, making them more special, and in consequence more real. I did not +then represent to myself towns, landscapes, historic buildings, as +pictures more or less attractive, cut out here and there of a substance +that was common to them all, but looked on each of them as on an unknown +thing, different from all the rest, a thing for which my soul was athirst, +by the knowledge of which it would benefit. How much more individual still +was the character that they assumed from being designated by names, names +that were only for themselves, proper names such as people have. Words +present to us little pictures of things, lucid and normal, like the +pictures that are hung on the walls of schoolrooms to give children an +illustration of what is meant by a carpenter's bench, a bird, an ant-hill; +things chosen as typical of everything else of the same sort. But names +present to us--of persons and of towns which they accustom us to regard as +individual, as unique, like persons--a confused picture, which draws from +the names, from the brightness or darkness of their sound, the colour in +which it is uniformly painted, like one of those posters, entirely blue or +entirely red, in which, on account of the limitations imposed by the +process used in their reproduction, or by a whim on the designer's part, +are blue or red not only the sky and the sea, but the ships and the church +and the people in the streets. The name of Parma, one of the towns that I +most longed to visit, after reading the _Chartreuse_, seeming to me +compact and glossy, violet-tinted, soft, if anyone were to speak of such +or such a house in Parma, in which I should be lodged, he would give me +the pleasure of thinking that I was to inhabit a dwelling that was compact +and glossy, violet-tinted, soft, and that bore no relation to the houses +in any other town in Italy, since I could imagine it only by the aid of +that heavy syllable of the name of Parma, in which no breath of air +stirred, and of all that I had made it assume of Stendhalian sweetness and +the reflected hue of violets. And when I thought of Florence, it was of a +town miraculously embalmed, and flower-like, since it was called the City +of the Lilies, and its Cathedral, Our Lady of the Flower. As for Balbec, +it was one of those names in which, as on an old piece of Norman pottery +that still keeps the colour of the earth from which it was fashioned, one +sees depicted still the representation of some long-abolished custom, of +some feudal right, of the former condition of some place, of an obsolete +way of pronouncing the language, which had shaped and wedded its +incongruous syllables and which I never doubted that I should find spoken +there at once, even by the inn-keeper who would pour me out coffee and +milk on my arrival, taking me down to watch the turbulent sea, unchained, +before the church; to whom I lent the aspect, disputatious, solemn and +mediaeval, of some character in one of the old romances. + +Had my health definitely improved, had my parents allowed me, if not +actually to go down to stay at Balbec, at least to take, just once, so as +to become acquainted with the architecture and landscapes of Normandy or +of Brittany, that one twenty-two train into which I had so often clambered +in imagination, I should have preferred to stop, and to alight from it, at +the most beautiful of its towns; but in vain might I compare and contrast +them; how was one to choose, any more than between individual people, who +are not interchangeable, between Bayeux, so lofty in its noble coronet of +rusty lace, whose highest point caught the light of the old gold of its +second syllable; Vitré, whose acute accent barred its ancient glass with +wooden lozenges; gentle Lamballe, whose whiteness ranged from egg-shell +yellow to a pearly grey; Coutances, a Norman Cathedral, which its final +consonants, rich and yellowing, crowned with a tower of butter; Lannion +with the rumble and buzz, in the silence of its village street, of the fly +on the wheel of the coach; Questambert, Pontorson, ridiculously silly and +simple, white feathers and yellow beaks strewn along the road to those +well-watered and poetic spots; Benodet, a name scarcely moored that seemed +to be striving to draw the river down into the tangle of its seaweeds; +Pont-Aven, the snowy, rosy flight of the wing of a lightly poised coif, +tremulously reflected in the greenish waters of a canal; Quimperlé, more +firmly attached, this, and since the Middle Ages, among the rivulets with +which it babbled, threading their pearls upon a grey background, like the +pattern made, through the cobwebs upon a window, by rays of sunlight +changed into blunt points of tarnished silver? + +These images were false for another reason also; namely, that they were +necessarily much simplified; doubtless the object to which my imagination +aspired, which my senses took in but incompletely and without any +immediate pleasure, I had committed to the safe custody of names; +doubtless because I had accumulated there a store of dreams, those names +now magnetised my desires; but names themselves are not very +comprehensive; the most that I could do was to include in each of them two +or three of the principal curiosities of the town, which would lie there +side by side, without interval or partition; in the name of Balbec, as in +the magnifying glasses set in those penholders which one buys at sea-side +places, I could distinguish waves surging round a church built in the +Persian manner. Perhaps, indeed, the enforced simplicity of these images +was one of the reasons for the hold that they had over me. When my father +had decided, one year, that we should go for the Easter holidays to +Florence and Venice, not finding room to introduce into the name of +Florence the elements that ordinarily constitute a town, I was obliged to +let a supernatural city emerge from the impregnation by certain vernal +scenes of what I supposed to be, in its essentials, the genius of Giotto. +All the more--and because one cannot make a name extend much further in +time than in space--like some of Giotto's paintings themselves which shew +us at two separate moments the same person engaged in different actions, +here lying on his bed, there just about to mount his horse, the name of +Florence was divided into two compartments. In one, beneath an +architectural dais, I gazed upon a fresco over which was partly drawn a +curtain of morning sunlight, dusty, aslant, and gradually spreading; in +the other (for, since I thought of names not as an inaccessible ideal but +as a real and enveloping substance into which I was about to plunge, the +life not yet lived, the life intact and pure which I enclosed in them, +gave to the most material pleasures, to the simplest scenes, the same +attraction that they have in the works of the Primitives), I moved +swiftly--so as to arrive, as soon as might be, at the table that was +spread for me, with fruit and a flask of Chianti--across a Ponte Vecchio +heaped with jonquils, narcissi and anemones. That (for all that I was +still in Paris) was what I saw, and not what was actually round about me. +Even from the simplest, the most realistic point of view, the countries +for which we long occupy, at any given moment, a far larger place in our +true life than the country in which we may happen to be. Doubtless, if, at +that time, I had paid more attention to what was in my mind when I +pronounced the words "going to Florence, to Parma, to Pisa, to Venice," I +should have realised that what I saw was in no sense a town, but something +as different from anything that I knew, something as delicious as might be +for a human race whose whole existence had passed in a series of late +winter afternoons, that inconceivable marvel, a morning in spring. These +images, unreal, fixed, always alike, filling all my nights and days, +differentiated this period in my life from those which had gone before it +(and might easily have been confused with it by an observer who saw things +only from without, that is to say, who saw nothing), as in an opera a +fresh melody introduces a novel atmosphere which one could never have +suspected if one had done no more than read the libretto, still less if +one had remained outside the theatre, counting only the minutes as they +passed. And besides, even from the point of view of mere quantity, in our +life the days are not all equal. To reach the end of a day, natures that +are slightly nervous, as mine was, make use, like motor-cars, of different +'speeds.' There are mountainous, uncomfortable days, up which one takes an +infinite time to pass, and days downward sloping, through which one can go +at full tilt, singing as one goes. During this month--in which I went +laboriously over, as over a tune, though never to my satisfaction, these +visions of Florence, Venice, Pisa, from which the desire that they excited +in me drew and kept something as profoundly personal as if it had been +love, love for another person--I never ceased to believe that they +corresponded to a reality independent of myself, and they made me +conscious of as glorious a hope as could have been cherished by a +Christian in the primitive age of faith, on the eve of his entry into +Paradise. Moreover, without my paying any heed to the contradiction that +there was in my wishing to look at and to touch with my organs of sense +what had been elaborated by the spell of my dreams and not perceived by my +senses at all--though all the more tempting to them, in consequence, more +different from anything that they knew--it was that which recalled to me +the reality of these visions, which inflamed my desire all the more by +seeming to hint a promise that my desire should be satisfied. And for all +that the motive force of my exaltation was a longing for aesthetic +enjoyments, the guide-books ministered even more to it than books on +aesthetics, and, more again than the guide-books, the railway time-tables. +What moved me was the thought that this Florence which I could see, so +near and yet inaccessible, in my imagination, if the tract which separated +it from me, in myself, was not one that I might cross, could yet be +reached by a circuit, by a digression, were I to take the plain, +terrestrial path. When I repeated to myself, giving thus a special value +to what I was going to see, that Venice was the "School of Giorgione, the +home of Titian, the most complete museum of the domestic architecture of +the Middle Ages," I felt happy indeed. As I was even more when, on one of +my walks, as I stepped out briskly on account of the weather, which, after +several days of a precocious spring, had relapsed into winter (like the +weather that we had invariably found awaiting us at Combray, in Holy +Week),--seeing upon the boulevards that the chestnut-trees, though plunged +in a glacial atmosphere that soaked through them like a stream of water, +were none the less beginning, punctual guests, arrayed already for the +party, and admitting no discouragement, to shape and chisel and curve in +its frozen lumps the irrepressible verdure whose steady growth the +abortive power of the cold might hinder but could not succeed in +restraining--I reflected that already the Ponte Vecchio was heaped high +with an abundance of hyacinths and anemones, and that the spring sunshine +was already tinging the waves of the Grand Canal with so dusky an azure, +with emeralds so splendid that when they washed and were broken against +the foot of one of Titian's paintings they could vie with it in the +richness of their colouring. I could no longer contain my joy when my +father, in the intervals of tapping the barometer and complaining of the +cold, began to look out which were the best trains, and when I understood +that by making one's way, after luncheon, into the coal-grimed laboratory, +the wizard's cell that undertook to contrive a complete transmutation of +its surroundings, one could awaken, next morning, in the city of marble +and gold, in which "the building of the wall was of jasper and the +foundation of the wall an emerald." So that it and the City of the Lilies +were not just artificial scenes which I could set up at my pleasure in +front of my imagination, but did actually exist at a certain distance from +Paris which must inevitably be traversed if I wished to see them, at their +appointed place on the earth's surface, and at no other; in a word they +were entirely real. They became even more real to me when my father, by +saying: "Well, you can stay in Venice from the 20th to the 29th, and reach +Florence on Easter morning," made them both emerge, no longer only from +the abstraction of Space, but from that imaginary Time in which we place +not one, merely, but several of our travels at once, which do not greatly +tax us since they are but possibilities,--that Time which reconstructs +itself so effectively that one can spend it again in one town after one +has already spent it in another--and consecrated to them some of those +actual, calendar days which are certificates of the genuineness of what +one does on them, for those unique days are consumed by being used, they +do not return, one cannot live them again here when one has lived them +elsewhere; I felt that it was towards the week that would begin with the +Monday on which the laundress was to bring back the white waistcoat that I +had stained with ink, that they were hastening to busy themselves with the +duty of emerging from that ideal Time in which they did not, as yet, +exist, those two Queen Cities of which I was soon to be able, by the most +absorbing kind of geometry, to inscribe the domes and towers on a page of +my own life. But I was still on the way, only, to the supreme pinnacle of +happiness; I reached it finally (for not until then did the revelation +burst upon me that on the clattering streets, reddened by the light +reflected from Giorgione's frescoes, it was not, as I had, despite so many +promptings, continued to imagine, the men "majestic and terrible as the +sea, bearing armour that gleamed with bronze beneath the folds of their +blood-red cloaks," who would be walking in Venice next week, on the Easter +vigil; but that I myself might be the minute personage whom, in an +enlarged photograph of St. Mark's that had been lent to me, the operator +had portrayed, in a bowler hat, in front of the portico), when I heard my +father say: "It must be pretty cold, still, on the Grand Canal; whatever +you do, don't forget to pack your winter greatcoat and your thick suit." +At these words I was raised to a sort of ecstasy; a thing that I had until +then deemed impossible, I felt myself to be penetrating indeed between +those "rocks of amethyst, like a reef in the Indian Ocean"; by a supreme +muscular effort, a long way in excess of my real strength, stripping +myself, as of a shell that served no purpose, of the air in my own room +which surrounded me, I replaced it by an equal quantity of Venetian air, +that marine atmosphere, indescribable and peculiar as the atmosphere of +the dreams which my imagination had secreted in the name of Venice; I +could feel at work within me a miraculous disincarnation; it was at once +accompanied by that vague desire to vomit which one feels when one has a +very sore throat; and they had to put me to bed with a fever so persistent +that the doctor not only assured my parents that a visit, that spring, to +Florence and Venice was absolutely out of the question, but warned their +that, even when I should have completely recovered, I must, for at least a +year, give up all idea of travelling, and be kept from anything that wa; +liable to excite me. + +And, alas, he forbade also, most categorically, my being allowed to go to +the theatre, to hear Berma; the sublime artist, whose genius Bergotte had +proclaimed, might, by introducing me to something else that was, perhaps, +as important and as beautiful, have consoled me for not having been to +Florence and Venice, for not going to Balbec. My parents had to be content +with sending me, every day, to the Champs-Elysées, in the custody of a +person who would see that I did not tire myself; this person was none +other than Françoise, who had entered our service after the death of my +aunt Léonie. Going to the Champs-Elysées I found unendurable. If only +Bergotte had described the place in one of his books, I should, no doubt, +have longed to see and to know it, like so many things else of which a +simulacrum had first found its way into my imagination. That kept things +warm, made them live, gave them personality, and I sought then to find +their counterpart in reality, but in this public garden there was nothing +that attached itself to my dreams. + + + +* * * + + + +One day, as I was weary of our usual place, beside the wooden horses, +Françoise had taken me for an excursion--across the frontier guarded at +regular intervals by the little bastions of the barley-sugar women--into +those neighbouring but foreign regions, where the faces of the passers-by +were strange, where the goat-carriage went past; then she had gone away to +lay down her things on a chair that stood with its back to a shrubbery of +laurels; while I waited for her I was pacing the broad lawn, of meagre +close-cropped grass already faded by the sun, dominated, at its far end, +by a statue rising from a fountain, in front of which a little girl with +reddish hair was playing with a shuttlecock; when, from the path, another +little girl, who was putting on her cloak and covering up her battledore, +called out sharply: "Good-bye, Gilberte, I'm going home now; don't forget, +we're coming to you this evening, after dinner." The name Gilberte passed +close by me, evoking all the more forcibly her whom it labelled in that it +did not merely refer to her, as one speaks of a man in his absence, but +was directly addressed to her; it passed thus close by me, in action, so +to speak, with a force that increased with the curve of its trajectory and +as it drew near to its target;--carrying in its wake, I could feel, the +knowledge, the impression of her to whom it was addressed that belonged +not to me but to the friend who called to her, everything that, while she +uttered the words, she more or less vividly reviewed, possessed in her +memory, of their daily intimacy, of the visits that they paid to each +other, of that unknown existence which was all the more inaccessible, all +the more painful to me from being, conversely, so familiar, so tractable +to this happy girl who let her message brush past me without my being able +to penetrate its surface, who flung it on the air with a light-hearted +cry: letting float in the atmosphere the delicious attar which that +message had distilled, by touching them with precision, from certain +invisible points in Mlle. Swann's life, from the evening to come, as it +would be, after dinner, at her home,--forming, on its celestial passage +through the midst of the children and their nursemaids, a little cloud, +exquisitely coloured, like the cloud that, curling over one of Poussin's +gardens, reflects minutely, like a cloud in the opera, teeming with +chariots and horses, some apparition of the life of the gods; casting, +finally, on that ragged grass, at the spot on which she stood (at once a +scrap of withered lawn and a moment in the afternoon of the fair player, +who continued to beat up and catch her shuttlecock until a governess, with +a blue feather in her hat, had called her away) a marvellous little band +of light, of the colour of heliotrope, spread over the lawn like a carpet +on which I could not tire of treading to and fro with lingering feet, +nostalgic and profane, while Françoise shouted: "Come on, button up your +coat, look, and let's get away!" and I remarked for the first time how +common her speech was, and that she had, alas, no blue feather in her hat. + +Only, would _she_ come again to the Champs-Elysées? Next day she was not +there; but I saw her on the following days; I spent all my time revolving +round the spot where she was at play with her friends, to such effect that +once, when, they found, they were not enough to make up a prisoner's base, +she sent one of them to ask me if I cared to complete their side, and from +that day I played with her whenever she came. But this did not happen +every day; there were days when she had been prevented from coming by her +lessons, by her catechism, by a luncheon-party, by the whole of that life, +separated from my own, which twice only, condensed into the name of +Gilberte, I had felt pass so painfully close to me, in the hawthorn lane +near Combray and on the grass of the Champs-Elysées. On such days she +would have told us beforehand that we should not see her; if it were +because of her lessons, she would say: "It is too tiresome, I sha'n't be +able to come to-morrow; you will all be enjoying yourselves here without +me," with an air of regret which to some extent consoled me; if, on the +other hand, she had been invited to a party, and I, not knowing this, +asked her whether she was coming to play with us, she would reply: "Indeed +I hope not! Indeed I hope Mamma will let me go to my friend's." But on +these days I did at least know that I should not see her, whereas on +others, without any warning, her mother would take her for a drive, or +some such thing, and next day she would say: "Oh, yes! I went out with +Mamma," as though it had been the most natural thing in the world, and not +the greatest possible misfortune for some one else. There were also the +days of bad weather on which her governess, afraid, on her own account, of +the rain, would not bring Gilberte to the Champs-Elysées. + +And so, if the heavens were doubtful, from early morning I would not cease +to interrogate them, observing all the omens. If I saw the lady opposite, +just inside her window, putting on her hat, I would say to myself: "That +lady is going out; it must, therefore, be weather in which one can go out. +Why should not Gilberte do the same as that lady?" But the day grew dark. +My mother said that it might clear again, that one burst of sunshine would +be enough, but that more probably it would rain; and if it rained, of what +use would it be to go to the Champs-Elysées? And so, from breakfast-time, +my anxious eyes never left the uncertain, clouded sky. It remained dark: +Outside the window, the balcony was grey. Suddenly, on its sullen stone, I +did not indeed see a less negative colour, but I felt as it were an effort +towards a less negative colour, the pulsation of a hesitating ray that +struggled to discharge its light. A moment later the balcony was as pale +and luminous as a standing water at dawn, and a thousand shadows from the +iron-work of its balustrade had come to rest on it. A breath of wind +dispersed them; the stone grew dark again, but, like tamed creatures, they +returned; they began, imperceptibly, to grow lighter, and by one of those +continuous crescendos, such as, in music, at the end of an overture, carry +a single note to the extreme fortissimo, making it pass rapidly through +all the intermediate stages, I saw it attain to that fixed, unalterable +gold of fine days, on which the sharply cut shadows of the wrought iron of +the balustrade were outlined in black like a capricious vegetation, with a +fineness in the delineation of their smallest details which seemed to +indicate a deliberate application, an artist's satisfaction, and with so +much relief, so velvety a bloom in the restfulness of their sombre and +happy mass that in truth those large and leafy shadows which lay reflected +on that lake of sunshine seemed aware that they were pledges of happiness +and peace of mind. + +Brief, fading ivy, climbing, fugitive flora, the most colourless, the most +depressing, to many minds, of all that creep on walls or decorate windows; +to me the dearest of them all, from the day when it appeared upon our +balcony, like the very shadow of the presence of Gilberte, who was perhaps +already in the Champs-Elysées, and as soon as I arrived there would greet +me with: "Let's begin at once. You are on my side." Frail, swept away by a +breath, but at the same time in harmony, not with the season, with the +hour; a promise of that immediate pleasure which the day will deny or +fulfil, and thereby of the one paramount immediate pleasure, the pleasure +of loving and of being loved; more soft, more warm upon tie stone than +even moss is; alive, a ray of sunshine sufficing for its birth, and for +the birth of joy, even in the heart of winter. + +And on those days when all other vegetation had disappeared, when the fine +jerkins of green leather which covered the trunks of the old trees were +hidden beneath the snow; after the snow had ceased to fall, but when the +sky was still too much overcast for me to hope that Gilberte would venture +out, then suddenly--inspiring my mother to say: "Look, it's quite fine +now; I think you might perhaps try going to the Champs-Elysées after +all."--On the mantle of snow that swathed the balcony, the sun had +appeared and was stitching seams of gold, with embroidered patches of dark +shadow. That day we found no one there, or else a solitary girl, on the +point of departure, who assured me that Gilberte was not coming. The +chairs, deserted by the imposing but uninspiring company of governesses, +stood empty. Only, near the grass, was sitting a lady of uncertain age who +came in all weathers, dressed always in an identical style, splendid and +sombre, to make whose acquaintance I would have, at that period, +sacrificed, had it lain in my power, all the greatest opportunities in my +life to come. For Gilberte went up every day to speak to her; she used to +ask Gilberte for news of her "dearest mother" and it struck me that, if I +had known her, I should have been for Gilberte some one wholly different, +some one who knew people in her parents' world. While her grandchildren +played together at a little distance, she would sit and read the Débats, +which she called "My old _Débats_!" as, with an aristocratic familiarity, +she would say, speaking of the police-sergeant or the woman who let the +chairs, "My old friend the police-sergeant," or "The chair-keeper and I, +who are old friends." + +Françoise found it too cold to stand about, so we walked to the Pont de la +Concorde to see the Seine frozen over, on to which everyone, even +children, walked fearlessly, as though upon an enormous whale, stranded, +defenceless, and about to be cut up. We returned to the Champs-Elysées; I +was growing sick with misery between the motionless wooden horses and the +white lawn, caught in a net of black paths from which the snow had been +cleared, while the statue that surmounted it held in its hand a long +pendent icicle which seemed to explain its gesture. The old lady herself, +having folded up her _Débats_, asked a passing nursemaid the time, +thanking her with "How very good of you!" then begged the road-sweeper to +tell her grandchildren to come, as she felt cold, adding "A thousand +thanks. I am sorry to give you so much trouble!" Suddenly the sky was rent +in two: between the punch-and-judy and the horses, against the opening +horizon, I had just seen, like a miraculous sign, Mademoiselle's blue +feather. And now Gilberte was running at full speed towards me, sparkling +and rosy beneath a cap trimmed with fur, enlivened by the cold, by being +late, by her anxiety for a game; shortly before she reached me, she +slipped on a piece of ice and, either to regain her balance, or because it +appeared to her graceful, or else pretending that she was on skates, it +was with outstretched arms that she smilingly advanced, as though to +embrace me. "Bravo! bravo! that's splendid; 'topping,' I should say, like +you--'sporting,' I suppose I ought to say, only I'm a hundred-and-one, a +woman of the old school," exclaimed the lady, uttering, on behalf of the +voiceless Champs-Elysées, their thanks to Gilberte for having come, +without letting herself be frightened away by the weather. "You are like +me, faithful at all costs to our old Champs-Elysées; we are two brave +souls! You wouldn't believe me, I dare say, if I told you that I love +them, even like this. This snow (I know, you'll laugh at me), it makes me +think of ermine!" And the old lady began to laugh herself. + +The first of these days--to which the snow, a symbol of the powers that +were able to deprive me of the sight of Gilberte, imparted the sadness of +a day of separation, almost the aspect of a day of departure, because it +changed the outward form and almost forbade the use of the customary scene +of our only encounters, now altered, covered, as it were, in +dust-sheets--that day, none the less, marked a stage in the progress of my +love, for it was, in a sense, the first sorrow that she was to share with +me. There were only our two selves of our little company, and to be thus +alone with her was not merely like a beginning of intimacy, but also on +her part--as though she had come there solely to please me, and in such +weather--it seemed to me as touching as if, on one of those days on which +she had been invited to a party, she had given it up in order to come to +me in the Champs-Elysées; I acquired more confidence in the vitality, in +the future of a friendship which could remain so much alive amid the +torpor, the solitude, the decay of our surroundings; and while she dropped +pellets of snow down my neck, I smiled lovingly at what seemed to me at +once a predilection that she shewed for me in thus tolerating me as her +travelling companion in this new, this wintry land, and a sort of loyalty +to me which she preserved through evil times. Presently, one after +another, like shyly bopping sparrows, her friends arrived, black against +the snow. We got ready to play and, since this day which had begun so +sadly was destined to end in joy, as I went up, before the game started, +to the friend with the sharp voice whom I had heard, that first day, +calling Gilberte by name, she said to me: "No, no, I'm sure you'd much +rather be in Gilberte's camp; besides, look, she's signalling to you." She +was in fact summoning me to cross the snowy lawn to her camp, to 'take the +field,' which the sun, by casting over it a rosy gleam, the metallic +lustre of old and worn brocades, had turned into a Field of the Cloth of +Gold. + +This day, which I had begun with so many misgivings, was, as it happened, +one of the few on which I was not unduly wretched. + +For, although I no longer thought, now, of anything save not to let a +single day pass without seeing Gilberte (so much so that once, when my +grandmother had not come home by dinner-time, I could not resist the +instinctive reflection that, if she had been run over in the street and +killed, I should not for some time be allowed to play in the +Champs-Elysées; when one is in love one has no love left for anyone), yet +those moments which I spent in her company, for which I had waited with so +much impatience all night and morning, for which I had quivered with +excitement, to which I would have sacrificed everything else in the world, +were by no means happy moments; well did I know it, for they were the only +moments in my life on which I concentrated a scrupulous, undistracted +attention, and yet I could not discover in them one atom of pleasure. All +the time that I was away from Gilberte, I wanted to see her, because, +having incessantly sought to form a mental picture of her, I was unable, +in the end, to do so, and did not know exactly to what my love +corresponded. Besides, she had never yet told me that she loved me. Far +from it, she had often boasted that she knew other little boys whom she +preferred to myself, that I was a good companion, with whom she was always +willing to play, although I was too absent-minded, not attentive enough to +the game. Moreover, she had often shewn signs of apparent coldness towards +me, which might have shaken my faith that I was for her a creature +different from the rest, had that faith been founded upon a love that +Gilberte had felt for me, and not, as was the case, upon the love that I +felt for her, which strengthened its resistance to the assaults of doubt +by making it depend entirely upon the manner in which I was obliged, by an +internal compulsion, to think of Gilberte. But my feelings with regard to +her I had never yet ventured to express to her in words. Of course, on +every page of my exercise-books, I wrote out, in endless repetition, her +name and address, but at the sight of those vague lines which I might +trace, without her having to think, on that account, of me, I felt +discouraged, because they spoke to me, not of Gilberte, who would never so +much as see them, but of my own desire, which they seemed to shew me in +its true colours, as something purely personal, unreal, tedious and +ineffective. The most important thing was that we should see each other, +Gilberte and I, and should have an opportunity of making a mutual +confession of our love which, until then, would not officially (so to +speak) have begun. Doubtless the various reasons which made me so +impatient to see her would have appeared less urgent to a grown man. As +life goes on, we acquire such adroitness in the culture of our pleasures, +that we content ourselves with that which we derive from thinking of a +woman, as I was thinking of Gilberte, without troubling ourselves to +ascertain whether the image corresponds to the reality,--and with the +pleasure of loving her, without needing to be sure, also, that she loves +us; or again that we renounce the pleasure of confessing our passion for +her, so as to preserve and enhance the passion that she has for us, like +those Japanese gardeners who, to obtain one perfect blossom, will +sacrifice the rest. But at the period when I was in love with Gilberte, I +still believed that Love did really exist, apart from ourselves; that, +allowing us, at the most, to surmount the obstacles in our way, it offered +us its blessings in an order in which we were not free to make the least +alteration; it seemed to me that if I had, on my own initiative, +substituted for the sweetness of a confession a pretence of indifference, +I should not only have been depriving myself of one of the joys of which I +had most often dreamed, I should have been fabricating, of my own free +will, a love that was artificial and without value, that bore no relation +to the truth, whose mysterious and foreordained ways I should thus have +been declining to follow. + +But when I arrived at the Champs-Elysées,--and, as at first sight it +appeared, was in a position to confront my love, so as to make it undergo +the necessary modifications, with its living and independent cause--as +soon as I was in the presence of that Gilberte Swann on the sight of whom +I had counted to revive the images that my tired memory had lost and could +not find again, of that Gilberte Swann with whom I had been playing the +day before, and whom I had just been prompted to greet, and then to +recognise, by a blind instinct like that which, when we are walking, sets +one foot before the other, without giving us time to think what we are +doing, then at once it became as though she and the little girl who had +inspired my dreams had been two different people. If, for instance, I had +retained in my memory overnight two fiery eyes above plump and rosy +cheeks, Gilberte's face would now offer me (and with emphasis) something +that I distinctly had not remembered, a certain sharpening and +prolongation of the nose which, instantaneously associating itself with +certain others of her features, assumed the importance of those +characteristics which, in natural history, are used to define a species, +and transformed her into a little girl of the kind that have sharpened +profiles. While I was making myself ready to take advantage of this long +expected moment, and to surrender myself to the impression of Gilberte +which I had prepared beforehand but could no longer find in my head, to an +extent which would enable me, during the long hours which I must spend +alone, to be certain that it was indeed herself whom I had in mind, that +it was indeed my love for her that I was gradually making grow, as a book +grows when one is writing it, she threw me a ball; and, like the idealist +philosopher whose body takes account of the external world in the reality +of which his intellect declines to believe, the same self which had made +me salute her before I had identified her now urged me to catch the ball +that she tossed to me (as though she had been a companion, with whom I had +come to play, and not a sister-soul with whom my soul had come to be +limited), made me, out of politeness, until the time came when she had to +I go, address a thousand polite and trivial remarks to her, and so +prevented me both from keeping a silence in which I might at last have +laid my hand upon the indispensable, escaped idea, and from uttering the +words which might have made that definite progress in the course of our +love on which I was always obliged to count only for the following +afternoon. There was, however, an occasional development. One day, we had +gone with Gilberte to the stall of our own special vendor, who was always +particularly nice to us, since it was to her that M. Swann used to send +for his gingerbread, of which, for reasons of health (he suffered from a +racial eczema, and from the constipation of the prophets), he consumed a +great quantity,--Gilberte pointed out to me with a laugh two little boys +who were like the little artist and the little naturalist in the +children's storybooks. For one of them would not have a red stick of rock +because he preferred the purple, while the other, with tears in his eyes, +refused a plum which his nurse was buying for him, because, as he finally +explained in passionate tones: "I want the other plum; it's got a worm in +it!" I purchased two ha'penny marbles. With admiring eyes I saw, luminous +and imprisoned in a bowl by themselves, the agate marbles which seemed +precious to me because they were as fair and smiling as little girls, and +because they cost five-pence each. Gilberte, who was given a great deal +more pocket money than I ever had, asked me which I thought the prettiest. +They were as transparent, as liquid-seeming as life itself. I would not +have had her sacrifice a single one of them. I should have liked her to be +able to buy them, to liberate them all. Still, I pointed out one that had +the same colour as her eyes. Gilberte took it, turned it about until it +shone with a ray of gold, fondled it, paid its ransom, but at once handed +me her captive, saying: "Take it; it is for you, I give it to you, keep it +to remind yourself of me." + +Another time, being still obsessed by the desire to hear Berma in classic +drama, I had asked her whether she had not a copy of a pamphlet in which +Bergotte spoke of Racine, and which was now out of print. She had told me +to let her know the exact title of it, and that evening I had sent her a +little telegram, writing on its envelope the name, Gilberte Swann, which I +had so often, traced in my exercise-books. Next day she brought me in a +parcel tied with pink bows and sealed with white wax, the pamphlet, a copy +of which she had managed to find. "You see, it is what you asked me for," +she said, taking from her muff the telegram that I had sent her. But in +the address on the pneumatic message--which, only yesterday, was nothing, +was merely a 'little blue' that I had written, and, after a messenger had +delivered it to Gilberte's porter and a servant had taken it to her in her +room, had become a thing without value or distinction, one of the 'little +blues' that she had received in the course of the day--I had difficulty in +recognising the futile, straggling lines of my own handwriting beneath the +circles stamped on it at the post-office, the inscriptions added in pencil +by a postman, signs of effectual realisation, seals of the external world, +violet bands symbolical of life itself, which for the first time came to +espouse, to maintain, to raise, to rejoice my dream. + +And there was another day on which she said to me: "You know, you may call +me 'Gilberte'; in any case, I'm going to call you by your first name. It's +too silly not to." Yet she continued for a while to address me by the more +formal '_vous_,' and, when I drew her attention to this, smiled, and +composing, constructing a phrase like those that are put into the +grammar-books of foreign languages with no other object than to teach us +to make use of a new word, ended it with my Christian name. And when I +recalled, later, what I had felt at the time, I could distinguish the +impression of having been held, for a moment, in her mouth, myself, naked, +without, any longer, any of the social qualifications which belonged +equally to her other companions and, when she used my surname, to my +parents, accessories of which her lips--by the effort that she made, a +little after her father's manner, to articulate the words to which she +wished to give a special value--had the air of stripping, of divesting me, +as one peels the skin from a fruit of which one is going to put only the +pulp into one's mouth, while her glance, adapting itself to the same new +degree of intimacy as her speech, fell on me also more directly, not +without testifying to the consciousness, the pleasure, even the gratitude +that it felt, accompanying itself with a smile. + +But at that actual moment, I was not able to appreciate the worth of these +new pleasures. They were given, not by the little girl whom I loved, to me +who loved her, but by the other, her with whom I used to play, to my other +self, who possessed neither the memory of the true Gilberte, nor the fixed +heart which alone could have known the value of a happiness for which it +alone had longed. Even after I had returned home I did not taste them, +since, every day, the necessity which made me hope that on the morrow I +should arrive at the clear, calm, happy contemplation of Gilberte, that +she would at last confess her love for me, explaining to me the reasons by +which she had been obliged, hitherto, to conceal it, that same necessity +forced me to regard the past as of no account, to look ahead of me only, +to consider the little advantages that she had given me not in themselves +and as if they were self-sufficient, but like fresh rungs of the ladder on +which I might set my feet, which were going to allow me to advance a step +further and finally to attain the happiness which I had not yet +encountered. + +If, at times, she shewed me these marks of her affection, she troubled me +also by seeming not to be pleased to see me, and this happened often on +the very days on which I had most counted for the realisation of my hopes. +I was sure that Gilberte was coming to the Champs-Elysées, and I felt an +elation which seemed merely the anticipation of a great happiness +when--going into the drawing-room in the morning to kiss Mamma, who was +already dressed to go out, the coils of her black hair elaborately built +up, and her beautiful hands, plump and white, fragrant still with soap--I +had been apprised, by seeing a column of dust standing by itself in the +air above the piano, and by hearing a barrel-organ playing, beneath the +window, _En revenant de la revue_, that the winter had received, until +nightfall, an unexpected, radiant visit from a day of spring. While we sat +at luncheon, by opening her window, the lady opposite had sent packing, in +the twinkling of an eye, from beside my chair--to sweep in a single stride +over the whole width of our dining-room--a sunbeam which had lain down +there for its midday rest and returned to continue it there a moment +later. At school, during the one o'clock lesson, the sun made me sick +with impatience and boredom as it let fall a golden stream that crept to +the edge of my desk, like an invitation to the feast at which I could not +myself arrive before three o'clock, until the moment when Françoise came +to fetch me at the school-gate, and we made our way towards the +Champs-Elysées through streets decorated with sunlight, dense with people, +over which the balconies, detached by the sun and made vaporous, seemed to +float in front of the houses like clouds of gold. Alas! in the +Champs-Elysées I found no Gilberte; she had not yet arrived. Motionless, +on the lawn nurtured by the invisible sun which, here and there, kindled +to a flame the point of a blade of grass, while the pigeons that had +alighted upon it had the appearance of ancient sculptures which the +gardener's pick had heaved to the surface of a hallowed soil, I stood with +my eyes fixed on the horizon, expecting at every moment to see appear the +form of Gilberte following that of her governess, behind the statue that +seemed to be holding out the child, which it had in its arms, and which +glistened in the stream of light, to receive benediction from the sun. The +old lady who read the Débats was sitting on her chair, in her invariable +place, and had just accosted a park-keeper, with a friendly wave of her +hands towards him as she exclaimed "What a lovely day!" And when the +chair-woman came up to collect her penny, with an infinity of smirks and +affectations she folded the ticket away inside her glove, as though it had +been a posy of flowers, for which she had sought, in gratitude to the +donor, the most becoming place upon her person. When she had found it, she +performed a circular movement with her neck, straightened her boa, and +fastened upon the collector, as she shewed her the end of yellow paper +that stuck out over her bare wrist, the bewitching smile with which a +woman says to a young man, pointing to her bosom: "You see, I'm wearing +your roses!" + +I dragged Françoise, on the way towards Gilberte, as far as the Arc de +Triomphe; we did not meet her, and I was returning towards the lawn +convinced, now, that she was not coming, when, in front of the wooden +horses, the little girl with the sharp voice flung herself upon me: +"Quick, quick, Gilberte's been here a quarter of an hour. She's just +going. We've been waiting for you, to make up a prisoner's base." + +While I had been going up the Avenue des Champs-Elysées, Gilberte had +arrived by the Rue Boissy-d'Anglas, Mademoiselle having taken advantage of +the fine weather to go on some errand of her own; and M. Swann was coming +to fetch his daughter. And so it was my fault; I ought not to have strayed +from the lawn; for one never knew for certain from what direction Gilberte +would appear, whether she would be early or late, and this perpetual +tension succeeded in making more impressive not only the Champs-Elysées in +their entirety, and the whole span of the afternoon, like a vast expanse +of space and time, on every point and at every moment of which it was +possible that the form of Gilberte might appear, but also that form +itself, since behind its appearance I felt that there lay concealed the +reason for which it had shot its arrow into my heart at four o'clock +instead of at half-past two; crowned with a smart hat, for paying calls, +instead of the plain cap, for games; in front of the Ambassadeurs and not +between the two puppet-shows; I divined one of those occupations in which +I might not follow Gilberte, occupations that forced her to go out or to +stay at home, I was in contact with the mystery of her unknown life. It +was this mystery, too, which troubled me when, running at the sharp-voiced +girl's bidding, so as to begin our game without more delay, I saw +Gilberte, so quick and informal with us, make a ceremonious bow to the old +lady with the _Débats_ (who acknowledged it with "What a lovely sun! +You'd think there was a fire burning.") speaking to her with a shy smile, +with an air of constraint which called to my mind the other little girl +that Gilberte must be when at home with her parents, or with friends of +her parents, paying visits, in all the rest, that escaped me, of her +existence. But of that existence no one gave me so strong an impression as +did M. Swann, who came a little later to fetch his daughter. That was +because he and Mme. Swann--inasmuch as their daughter lived with them, as +her lessons, her games, her friendships depended upon them--contained for +me, like Gilberte, perhaps even more than Gilberte, as befitted subjects +that had an all-powerful control over her in whom it must have had its +source, an undefined, an inaccessible quality of melancholy charm. +Everything that concerned them was on my part the object of so constant a +preoccupation that the days on which, as on this day, M. Swann (whom I had +seen so often, long ago, without his having aroused my curiosity, when he +was still on good terms with my parents) came for Gilberte to the +Champs-Elysées, once the pulsations to which my heart had been excited by +the appearance of his grey hat and hooded cape had subsided, the sight of +him still impressed me as might that of an historic personage, upon whom +one had just been studying a series of books, and the smallest details of +whose life one learned with enthusiasm. His relations with the Comte de +Paris, which, when I heard them discussed at Combray, seemed to me +unimportant, became now in my eyes something marvellous, as if no one else +had ever known the House of Orleans; they set him in vivid detachment +against the vulgar background of pedestrians of different classes, who +encumbered that particular path in the Champs-Elysées, in the midst of +whom I admired his condescending to figure without claiming any special +deference, which as it happened none of them dreamed of paying him, so +profound was the incognito in which he was wrapped. + +He responded politely to the salutations of Gilberte's companions, even to +mine, for all that he was no longer on good terms with my family, but +without appearing to know who I was. (This reminded me that he had +constantly seen me in the country; a memory which I had retained, but kept +out of sight, because, since I had seen Gilberte again, Swann had become +to me pre-eminently her father, and no longer the Combray Swann; as the +ideas which, nowadays, I made his name connote were different from the +ideas in the system of which it was formerly comprised, which I utilised +not at all now when I had occasion to think of him, he had become a new, +another person; still I attached him by an artificial thread, secondary +and transversal, to our former guest; and as nothing had any longer any +value for me save in the extent to which my love might profit by it, it +was with a spasm of shame and of regret at not being able to erase them +from my memory that I recaptured the years in which, in the eyes of this +same Swann who was at this moment before me in the Champs-Elysées, and to +whom, fortunately, Gilberte had perhaps not mentioned my name, I had so +often, in the evenings, made myself ridiculous by sending to ask Mamma to +come upstairs to my room to say good-night to me, while she was drinking +coffee with him and my father and my grandparents at the table in the +garden.) He told Gilberte that she might play one game; he could wait for +a quarter of an hour; and, sitting down, just like anyone else, on an iron +chair, paid for his ticket with that hand which Philippe VII had so often +held in his own, while we began our game upon the lawn, scattering the +pigeons, whose beautiful, iridescent bodies (shaped like hearts and, +surely, the lilacs of the feathered kingdom) took refuge as in so many +sanctuaries, one on the great basin of stone, on which its beak, as it +disappeared below the rim, conferred the part, assigned the purpose of +offering to the bird in abundance the fruit or grain at which it appeared +to be pecking, another on the head of the statue, which it seemed to crown +with one of those enamelled objects whose polychrome varies in certain +classical works the monotony of the stone, and with an attribute which, +when the goddess bears it, entitles her to a particular epithet and makes +of her, as a different Christian name makes of a mortal, a fresh divinity. + +On one of these sunny days which had not realised my hopes, I had not the +courage to conceal my disappointment from Gilberte. + +"I had ever so many things to ask you," I said to her; "I thought that +to-day was going to mean so much in our friendship. And no sooner have you +come than you go away! Try to come early to-morrow, so that I can talk to +you." + +Her face lighted up and she jumped for joy as she answered: "Tomorrow, you +may make up your mind, my dear friend, I sha'n't come! + +"First of all I've a big luncheon-party; then in the afternoon I am going +to a friend's house to see King Theodosius arrive from her windows; won't +that be splendid?--and then, next day, I'm going to _Michel Strogoff_, and +after that it will soon be Christmas, and the New Year holidays! Perhaps +they'll take me south, to the Riviera; won't that be nice? Though I should +miss the Christmas-tree here; anyhow, if I do stay in Paris, I sha'n't be +coming here, because I shall be out paying calls with Mamma. +Good-bye--there's Papa calling me." + +I returned home with Françoise through streets that were still gay with +sunshine, as on the evening of a holiday when the merriment is over. I +could scarcely drag my legs along. + +"I'm not surprised;" said Françoise, "it's not the right weather for the +time of year; it's much too warm. Oh dear, oh dear, to think of all the +poor sick people there must be everywhere; you would think that up there, +too, everything's got out of order." + +I repeated to myself, stifling my sobs, the words in which Gilberte had +given utterance to her joy at the prospect of not coming back, for a long +time, to the Champs-Elysées. But already the charm with which, by the mere +act of thinking, my mind was filled as soon as it thought of her, the +privileged position, unique even if it were painful, in which I was +inevitably placed in relation to Gilberte by the contraction of a scar in +my mind, had begun to add to that very mark of her indifference something +romantic, and in the midst of my tears my lips would shape themselves in a +smile which was indeed the timid outline of a kiss. And when the time came +for the postman I said to myself, that evening as on every other: "I am +going to have a letter from Gilberte, she is going to tell me, at last, +that she has never ceased to love me, and to explain to me the mysterious +reason by which she has been forced to conceal her love from me until now, +to put on the appearance of being able to be happy without seeing me; the +reason for which she has assumed the form of the other Gilberte, who is +simply a companion." + +Every evening I would beguile myself into imagining this letter, believing +that I was actually reading it, reciting each of its sentences in turn. +Suddenly I would stop, in alarm. I had realised that, if I was to receive +a letter from Gilberte, it could not, in any case, be this letter, since +it was I myself who had just composed it. And from that moment I would +strive to keep my thoughts clear of the words which I should have liked +her to write to me, from fear lest, by first selecting them myself, I +should be excluding just those identical words,--the dearest, the most +desired--from the field of possible events. Even if, by an almost +impossible coincidence, it had been precisely the letter of my invention +that Gilberte had addressed to me of her own accord, recognising my own +work in it I should not have had the impression that I was receiving +something that had not originated in myself, something real, something +new, a happiness external to my mind, independent of my will, a gift +indeed from love. + +While I waited I read over again a page which, although it had not been +written to me by Gilberte, came to me, none the less, from her, that page +by Bergotte upon the beauty of the old myths from which Racine drew his +inspiration, which (with the agate marble) I always kept within reach. I +was touched by my friend's kindness in having procured the book for me; +and as everyone is obliged to find some reason for his passion, so much so +that he is glad to find in the creature whom he loves qualities which (he +has learned by reading or in conversation) are worthy to excite a man's +love, that he assimilates them by imitation and makes out of them fresh +reasons for his love, even although these qualities be diametrically +opposed to those for which his love would have sought, so long as it was +spontaneous--as Swann, before my day, had sought to establish the +aesthetic basis of Odette's beauty--I, who had at first loved Gilberte, in +Combray days, on account of all the unknown element in her life into which +I would fain have plunged headlong, have undergone reincarnation, +discarding my own separate existence as a thing that no longer mattered, I +thought now, as of an inestimable advantage, that of this, my own, my too +familiar, my contemptible existence Gilberte might one day become the +humble servant, the kindly, the comforting collaborator, who in the +evenings, helping me in my work, would collate for me the texts of rare +pamphlets. As for Bergotte, that infinitely wise, almost divine old man, +because of whom I had first, before I had even seen her, loved Gilberte, +now it was for Gilberte's sake, chiefly, that I loved him. With as much +pleasure as the pages that he had written about Racine, I studied the +wrapper, folded under great seals of white wax and tied with billows of +pink ribbon, in which she had brought those pages to me. I kissed the +agate marble, which was the better part of my love's heart, the part that +was not frivolous but faithful, and, for all that it was adorned with the +mysterious charm of Gilberte's life, dwelt close beside me, inhabited my +chamber, shared my bed. But the beauty of that stone, and the beauty also +of those pages of Bergotte which I was glad to associate with the idea of +my love for Gilberte, as if, in the moments when my love seemed no longer +to have any existence, they gave it a kind of consistency, were, I +perceived, anterior to that love, which they in no way resembled; their +elements had been determined by the writer's talent, or by geological +laws, before ever Gilberte had known me, nothing in book or stone would +have been different if Gilberte had not loved me, and there was nothing, +consequently, that authorised me to read in them a message of happiness. +And while my love, incessantly waiting for the morrow to bring a +confession of Gilberte's love for me, destroyed, unravelled every evening, +the ill-done work of the day, in some shadowed part of my being was an +unknown weaver who would not leave where they lay the severed threads, but +collected and rearranged them, without any thought of pleasing me, or of +toiling for my advantage, in the different order which she gave to all her +handiwork. Without any special interest in my love, not beginning by +deciding that I was loved, she placed, side by side, those of Gilberte's +actions that had seemed to me inexplicable and her faults which I had +excused. Then, one with another, they took on a meaning. It seemed to tell +me, this new arrangement, that when I saw Gilberte, instead of coming to +me in the Champs-Elysées, going to a party, or on errands with her +governess, when I saw her prepared for an absence that would extend over +the New Year holidays, I was wrong in thinking, in saying: "It is because +she is frivolous," or "easily lead." For she would have ceased to be +either if she had loved me, and if she had been forced to obey it would +have been with the same despair in her heart that I felt on the days when +I did not see her. It shewed me further, this new arrangement, that I +ought, after all, to know what it was to love, since I loved Gilberte; it +drew my attention to the constant anxiety that I had to 'shew off' before +her, by reason of which I tried to persuade my mother to get for Françoise +a waterproof coat and a hat with a blue feather, or, better still, to stop +sending with me to the Champs-Elysées an attendant with whom I blushed to +be seen (to all of which my mother replied that I was not fair to +Françoise, that she was an excellent woman and devoted to us all) and also +that sole, exclusive need to see Gilberte, the result of which was that, +months in advance, I could think of nothing but how to find out at what +date she would be leaving Paris and where she was going, feeling that the +most attractive country in the world would be but a place of exile if she +were not to be there, and asking only to be allowed to stay for ever in +Paris, so long as I might see her in the Champs-Elysées; and it had little +difficulty in making me see that neither my anxiety nor my need could be +justified by anything in Gilberte's conduct. She, on the contrary, was +genuinely fond of her governess, without troubling herself over what I +might choose to think about it. It seemed quite natural to her not to come +to the Champs-Elysées if she had to go shopping with Mademoiselle, +delightful if she had to go out somewhere with her mother. And even +supposing that she would ever have allowed me to spend my holidays in the +same place as herself, when it came to choosing that place she considered +her parents' wishes, a thousand different amusements of which she had been +told, and not at all that it should be the place to which my family were +proposing to send me. When she assured me (as sometimes happened) that she +liked me less than some other of her friends, less than she had liked me +the day before, because by my clumsiness I had made her side lose a game, +I would beg her pardon, I would beg her to tell me what I must do in order +that she should begin again to like me as much as, or more than the rest; +I hoped to hear her say that that was already my position; I besought her; +as though she had been able to modify her affection for me as she or I +chose, to give me pleasure, merely by the words that she would utter, as +my good or bad conduct should deserve. Was I, then, not yet aware that +what I felt, myself, for her, depended neither upon her actions nor upon +my desires? + +It shewed me finally, the new arrangement planned by my unseen weaver, +that, if we find ourselves hoping that the actions of a person who has +hitherto caused us anxiety may prove not to have been sincere, they shed +in their wake a light which our hopes are powerless to extinguish, a light +to which, rather than to our hopes, we must put the question, what will be +that person's actions on the morrow. + +These new counsels, my love listened and heard them; they persuaded it +that the morrow would not be different from all the days that had gone +before; that Gilberte's feeling for me, too long established now to be +capable of alteration, was indifference; that hi my friendship with +Gilberte, it was I alone who loved. "That is true," my love responded, +"there is nothing more to be made of that friendship. It will not alter +now." And so the very next day (unless I were to wait for a public +holiday, if there was one approaching, some anniversary, the New Year, +perhaps, one of those days which are not like other days, on which time +starts afresh, casting aside the heritage of the past, declining its +legacy of sorrows) I would appeal to Gilberte to terminate our old and to +join me in laying the foundations of a new friendship. + + + +* * * + + + +I had always, within reach, a plan of Paris, which, because I could see +drawn on it the street in which M. and Mme. Swann lived, seemed to me to +contain a secret treasure. And to please myself, as well as by a sort of +chivalrous loyalty, in any connection or with no relevance at all, I would +repeat the name of that street until my father, not being, like my mother +and grandmother, in the secret of my love, would ask: "But why are you +always talking about that street? There's nothing wonderful about it. It +is an admirable street to live in because it's only a few minutes' walk +from the Bois, but there are a dozen other streets just the same." + +I made every effort to introduce the name of Swann into my conversation +with my parents; in my own mind, of course, I never ceased to murmur it; +but I needed also to hear its exquisite sound, and to make myself play +that chord, the voiceless rendering of which did not suffice me. Moreover, +that name of Swann, with which I had for so long been familiar, was to me +now (as happens at times to people suffering from aphasia, in the case of +the most ordinary words) the name of something new. It was for ever +present in my mind, which could not, however, grow accustomed to it. I +analysed it, I spelt it; its orthography came to me as a surprise. And +with its familiarity it had simultaneously lost its innocence. The +pleasure that I derived from the sound of it I felt to be so guilty, that +it seemed to me as though the others must read my thoughts, and would +change the conversation if I endeavoured to guide it in that direction. I +fell back upon subjects which still brought me into touch with Gilberte, I +eternally repeated the same words, and it was no use my knowing that they +were but words--words uttered in her absence, which she could not hear, +words without virtue in themselves, repeating what were, indeed, facts, +but powerless to modify them--for still it seemed to me that by dint of +handling, of stirring in this way everything that had reference to +Gilberte, I might perhaps make emerge from it something that would bring +me happiness. I told my parents again that Gilberte was very fond of her +governess, as if the statement, when repeated for the hundredth time, +would at last have the effect of making Gilberte suddenly burst into the +room, come to live with us for ever. I had already sung the praises of the +old lady who read the _Débats_ (I had hinted to my parents that she must +at least be an Ambassador's widow, if not actually a Highness) and I +continued to descant on her beauty, her splendour, her nobility, until the +day on which I mentioned that, by what I had heard Gilberte call her, she +appeared to be a Mme. Blatin. + +"Oh, now I know whom you mean," cried my mother, while I felt myself grow +red all over with shame. "On guard! on guard!--as your grandfather says. +And so it's she that you think so wonderful? Why, she's perfectly +horrible, and always has been. She's the widow of a bailiff. You can't +remember, when you were little, all the trouble I used to have to avoid +her at your gymnastic lessons, where she was always trying to get hold of +me--I didn't know the woman, of course--to tell me that you were 'much too +nice-looking for a boy.' She has always had an insane desire to get to +know people, and she must be quite insane, as I have always thought, if +she really does know Mme. Swann. For even if she does come of very common +people, I have never heard anything said against her character. But she +must always be forcing herself upon strangers. She is, really, a horrible +woman, frightfully vulgar, and besides, she is always creating awkward +situations." + +As for Swann, in my attempts to resemble him, I spent the whole time, when +I was at table, in drawing my finger along my nose and in rubbing my eyes. +My father would exclaim: "The child's a perfect idiot, he's becoming quite +impossible." More than all else I should have liked to be as bald as +Swann. He appeared to me to be a creature so extraordinary that I found it +impossible to believe that people whom I knew and often saw knew him also, +and that in the course of the day anyone might run against him. And once +my mother, while she was telling us, as she did every evening at dinner, +where she had been and what she had done that afternoon, merely by the +words: "By the way, guess whom I saw at the Trois Quartiers--at the +umbrella counter--Swann!" caused to burst open in the midst of her +narrative (an arid desert to me) a mystic blossom. What a melancholy +satisfaction to learn that, that very afternoon, threading through the +crowd his supernatural form, Swann had gone to buy an umbrella. Among the +events of the day, great and small, but all equally unimportant, that one +alone aroused in me those peculiar vibrations by which my love for +Gilberte was invariably stirred. My father complained that I took no +interest in anything, because I did not listen while he was speaking of +the political developments that might follow the visit of King +Theo-dosius, at that moment in France as the nation's guest and (it was +hinted) ally. And yet how intensely interested I was to know whether Swann +had been wearing his hooded cape! + +"Did you speak to him?" I asked. + +"Why, of course I did," answered my mother, who always seemed afraid lest, +were she to admit that we were not on the warmest of terms with Swann, +people would seek to reconcile us more than she cared for, in view of the +existence of Mme. Swann, whom she did not wish to know. "It was he who +came up and spoke to me. I hadn't seen him." + +"Then you haven't quarrelled?" + +"Quarrelled? What on earth made you think that we had quarrelled?" she +briskly parried, as though I had cast doubt on the fiction of her friendly +relations with Swann, and was planning an attempt to 'bring them +together.' + +"He might be cross with you for never asking him here." + +"One isn't obliged to ask everyone to one's house, you know; has he ever +asked me to his? I don't know his wife." + +"But he used often to come, at Combray." + +"I should think he did! He used to come at Combray, and now, in Paris, he +has something better to do, and so have I. But I can promise you, we +didn't look in the least like people who had quarrelled. We were kept +waiting there for some time, while they brought him his parcel. He asked +after you; he told me you had been playing with his daughter--" my mother +went on, amazing me with the portentous revelation of my own existence in +Swann's mind; far more than that, of my existence in so complete, so +material a form that when I stood before him, trembling with love, in the +Champs-Elysées, he had known my name, and who my mother was, and had been +able to blend with my quality as his daughter's playmate certain facts +with regard to my grandparents and their connections, the place in which +we lived, certain details of our past life, all of which I myself perhaps +did not know. But my mother did not seem to have noticed anything +particularly attractive in that counter at the Trois Quartiers where she +had represented to Swann, at the moment in which he caught sight of her, a +definite person with whom he had sufficient memories in common to impel +him to come up to her and to speak. + +Nor did either she or my father seem to find any occasion now to mention +Swann's family, the grandparents of Gilberte, nor to use the title of +stockbroker, topics than which nothing else gave me so keen a pleasure. +My imagination had isolated and consecrated in the social Paris a certain +family, just as it had set apart in the structural Paris a certain house, +on whose porch it had fashioned sculptures and made its windows precious. +But these ornaments I alone had eyes to see. Just as my father and mother +looked upon the house in which Swann lived as one that closely resembled +the other houses built at the same period in the neighbourhood of the +Bois, so Swann's family seemed to them to be in the same category as many +other families of stockbrokers. Their judgment was more or less favourable +according to the extent to which the family in question shared in merits +that were common to the rest of the universe, and there was about it +nothing that they could call unique. What, on the other hand, they did +appreciate in the Swanns they found in equal, if not in greater measure +elsewhere. And so, after admitting that the house was in a good position, +they would go on to speak of some other house that was in a better, but +had nothing to do with Gilberte, or of financiers on a larger scale than +her grandfather had been; and if they had appeared, for a moment, to be of +my opinion, that was a mistake which was very soon corrected. For in order +to distinguish in all Gilberte's surroundings an indefinable quality +analogous, in the scale of emotions, to what in the scale of colours is +called infra-red, a supplementary sense of perception was required, with +which love, for the time being, had endowed me; and this my parents +lacked. + +On the days when Gilberte had warned me that she would not be coming to +the Champs-Elysées, I would try to arrange my walks so that I should be +brought into some kind of contact with her. Sometimes I would lead +Françoise on a pilgrimage to the house in which the Swanns lived, making +her repeat to me unendingly all that she had learned from the governess +with regard to Mme. Swann. "It seems, she puts great faith in medals. She +would never think of starting on a journey if she had heard an owl hoot, +or the death-watch in the wall, or if she had seen a cat at midnight, or +if the furniture had creaked. Oh yes! she's a most religious lady, she +is!" I was so madly in love with Gilberte that if, on our way, I caught +sight of their old butler taking the dog out, my emotion would bring me to +a standstill, I would fasten on his white whiskers eyes that melted with +passion. And Françoise would rouse me with: "What's wrong with you now, +child?" and we would continue on our way until we reached their gate, +where a porter, different from every other porter in the world, and +saturated, even to the braid on his livery, with the same melancholy charm +that I had felt to be latent in the name of Gilberte, looked at me as +though he knew that I was one of those whose natural unworthiness would +for ever prevent them from penetrating into the mysteries of the life +inside, which it was his duty to guard, and over which the ground-floor +windows appeared conscious of being protectingly closed, with far less +resemblance, between the nobly sweeping arches of their muslin curtains, +to any other windows in the world than to Gilberte's glancing eyes. On +other days we would go along the boulevards, and I would post myself at +the corner of the Rue Duphot; I had heard that Swann was often to be seen +passing there, on his way to the dentist's; and my imagination so far +differentiated Gilberte's father from the rest of humanity, his presence +in the midst of a crowd of real people introduced among them so miraculous +an element, that even before we reached the Madeleine I would be trembling +with emotion at the thought that I was approaching a street from which +that supernatural apparition might at any moment burst upon me unawares. + +But most often of all, on days when I was not to see Gilberte, as I had +heard that Mme. Swann walked almost every day along the Allée des Acacias, +round the big lake, and in the Allée de la Reine Marguerite, I would guide +Françoise in the direction of the Bois de Boulogne. It was to me like one +of those zoological gardens in which one sees assembled together a variety +of flora, and contrasted effects in landscape; where from a hill one +passes to a grotto, a meadow, rocks, a stream, a trench, another hill, a +marsh, but knows that they are there only to enable the hippopotamus, +zebra, crocodile, rabbit, bear and heron to disport themselves in a +natural or a picturesque setting; this, the Bois, equally complex, uniting +a multitude of little worlds, distinct and separate--placing a stage set +with red trees, American oaks, like an experimental forest in Virginia, +next to a fir-wood by the edge of the lake, or to a forest grove from +which would suddenly emerge, in her lissom covering of furs, with the +large, appealing eyes of a dumb animal, a hastening walker--was the Garden +of Woman; and like the myrtle-alley in the Aeneid, planted for their +delight with trees of one kind only, the Allée des Acacias was thronged by +the famous Beauties of the day. As, from a long way off, the sight of the +jutting crag from which it dives into the pool thrills with joy the +children who know that they are going to behold the seal, long before I +reached the acacia-alley, their fragrance, scattered abroad, would make me +feel that I was approaching the incomparable presence of a vegetable +personality, strong and tender; then, as I drew near, the sight of their +topmost branches, their lightly tossing foliage, in its easy grace, its +coquettish outline, its delicate fabric, over which hundreds of flowers +were laid, like winged and throbbing colonies of precious insects; and +finally their name itself, feminine, indolent and seductive, made my heart +beat, but with a social longing, like those waltzes which remind us only +of the names of the fair dancers, called aloud as they entered the +ball-room. I had been told that I should see in the alley certain women of +fashion, who, in spite of their not all having husbands, were constantly +mentioned in conjunction with Mme. Swann, but most often by their +professional names;--their new names, when they had any, being but a sort +of incognito, a veil which those who would speak of them were careful to +draw aside, so as to make themselves understood. Thinking that Beauty--in +the order of feminine elegance--was governed by occult laws into the +knowledge of which they had been initiated, and that they had the power to +realise it, I accepted before seeing them, like the truth of a coming +revelation, the appearance of their clothes, of their carriages and +horses, of a thousand details among which I placed my faith as in an inner +soul which gave the cohesion of a work of art to that ephemeral and +changing pageant. But it was Mme. Swann whom I wished to see, and I waited +for her to go past, as deeply moved as though she were Gilberte, whose +parents, saturated, like everything in her environment, with her own +special charm, excited in me as keen a passion as she did herself, indeed +a still more painful disturbance (since their point of contact with her +was that intimate, that internal part of her life which was hidden from +me), and furthermore, for I very soon learned, as we shall see in due +course, that they did not like my playing with her, that feeling of +veneration which we always have for those who hold, and exercise without +restraint, the power to do us an injury. + +I assigned the first place, in the order of aesthetic merit and of social +grandeur, to simplicity, when I saw Mme. Swann on foot, in a 'polonaise' +of plain cloth, a little toque on her head trimmed with a pheasant's wing, +a bunch of violets in her bosom, hastening along the Allée des Acacias as +if it had been merely the shortest way back to her own house, and +acknowledging with a rapid glance the courtesy of the gentlemen in +carriages, who, recognising her figure at a distance, were raising their +hats to her and saying to one another that there was never anyone so well +turned out as she. But instead of simplicity it was to ostentation that I +must assign the first place if, after I had compelled Françoise, who could +hold out no longer, and complained that her legs were 'giving' beneath +her, to stroll up and down with me for another hour, I saw at length, +emerging from the Porte Dauphine, figuring for me a royal dignity, the +passage of a sovereign, an impression such as no real Queen has ever since +been able to give me, because my notion of their power has been less +vague, and more founded upon experience--borne along by the flight of a +pair of fiery horses, slender and shapely as one sees them in the drawings +of Constantin Guys, carrying on its box an enormous coachman, furred like +a cossack, and by his side a diminutive groom, like Toby, "the late +Beaudenord's tiger," I saw--or rather I felt its outlines engraved upon my +heart by a clean and killing stab--a matchless victoria, built rather +high, and hinting, through the extreme modernity of its appointments, at +the forms of an earlier day, deep down in which lay negligently back Mme. +Swann, her hair, now quite pale with one grey lock, girt with a narrow +band of flowers, usually violets, from which floated down long veils, a +lilac parasol in her hand, on her lips an ambiguous smile in which I read +only the benign condescension of Majesty, though it was pre-eminently the +enticing smile of the courtesan, which she graciously bestowed upon the +men who bowed to her. That smile was, in reality, saying to one: "Oh yes, +I do remember, quite well; it was wonderful!" to another: "How I should +have loved to! We were unfortunate!", to a third: "Yes, if you like! I +must just keep in the line for a minute, then as soon as I can I will +break away." When strangers passed she still allowed to linger about her +lips a lazy smile, as though she expected or remembered some friend, which +made them say: "What a lovely woman!". And for certain men only she had a +sour, strained, shy, cold smile which meant: "Yes, you old goat, I know +that you've got a tongue like a viper, that you can't keep quiet for a +moment. But do you suppose that I care what you say?" Coquelin passed, +talking, in a group of listening friends, and with a sweeping wave of his +hand bade a theatrical good day to the people in the carriages. But I +thought only of Mme. Swann, and pretended to have not yet seen her, for I +knew that, when she reached the pigeon-shooting ground, she would tell her +coachman to 'break away' and to stop the carriage, so that she might come +back on foot. And on days when I felt that I had the courage to pass close +by her I would drag Françoise off in that direction; until the moment came +when I saw Mme. Swann, letting trail behind her the long train of her +lilac skirt, dressed, as the populace imagine queens to be dressed, in +rich attire such as no other woman might wear, lowering her eyes now and +then to study the handle of her parasol, paying scant attention to the +passers-by, as though the important thing for her, her one object in being +there, was to take exercise, without thinking that she was seen, and that +every head was turned towards her. Sometimes, however, when she had looked +back to call her dog to her, she would cast, almost imperceptibly, a +sweeping glance round about. + +Those even who did not know her were warned by something exceptional, +something beyond the normal in her--or perhaps by a telepathic suggestion +such as would move an ignorant audience to a frenzy of applause when Berma +was 'sublime'--that she must be some one well-known. They would ask one +another, "Who is she?", or sometimes would interrogate a passing stranger, +or would make a mental note of how she was dressed so as to fix her +identity, later, in the mind of a friend better informed than themselves, +who would at once enlighten them. Another pair, half-stopping in their +walk, would exchange: + +"You know who that is? Mme. Swann! That conveys nothing to you? Odette de +Crécy, then?" + +"Odette de Crécy! Why, I thought as much. Those great, sad eyes... But I +say, you know, she can't be as young as she was once, eh? I remember, I +had her on the day that MacMahon went." + +"I shouldn't remind her of it, if I were you. She is now Mme. Swann, the +wife of a gentleman in the Jockey Club, a friend of the Prince of Wales. +Apart from that, though, she is wonderful still." + +"Oh, but you ought to have known her then; Gad, she was lovely! She lived +in a very odd little house with a lot of Chinese stuff. I remember, we +were bothered all the time by the newsboys, shouting outside; in the end +she made me get up and go." + +Without listening to these memories, I could feel all about her the +indistinct murmur of fame. My heart leaped with impatience when I thought +that a few seconds must still elapse before all these people, among whom I +was dismayed not to find a certain mulatto banker who (or so I felt) had a +contempt for me, were to see the unknown youth, to whom they had not, so +far, been paying the slightest attention, salute (without knowing her, it +was true, but I thought that I had sufficient authority since my parents +knew her husband and I was her daughter's playmate) this woman whose +reputation for beauty, for misconduct, and for elegance was universal. +But I was now close to Mme. Swann; I pulled off my hat with so lavish, so +prolonged a gesture that she could not repress a smile. People laughed. As +for her, she had never seen me with Gilberte, she did not know my name, +but I was for her--like one of the keepers in the Bois, like the boatman, +or the ducks on the lake, to which she threw scraps of bread--one of the +minor personages, familiar, nameless, as devoid of individual character as +a stage-hand in a theatre, of her daily walks abroad. + +On certain days when I had missed her in the Allée des Acacias I would be +so fortunate as to meet her in the Allée de la Reine Marguerite, where +women went who wished to be alone, or to appear to be wishing to be alone; +she would not be alone for long, being soon overtaken by some man or +other, often in a grey 'tile' hat, whom I did not know, and who would talk +to her for some time, while their two carriages crawled behind. + + + +* * * + + + +That sense of the complexity of the Bois de Boulogne which made it an +artificial place and, in the zoological or mythological sense of the word, +a Garden, I captured again, this year, as I crossed it on my way to +Trianon, on one of those mornings, early in November, when in Paris, if we +stay indoors, being so near and yet prevented from witnessing the +transformation scene of autumn, which is drawing so rapidly to a close +without our assistance, we feel a regret for the fallen leaves that +becomes a fever, and may even keep us awake at night. Into my closed room +they had been drifting already for a month, summoned there by my desire to +see them, slipping between my thoughts and the object, whatever it might +be, upon which I was trying to concentrate them, whirling in front of me +like those brown spots that sometimes, whatever we may be looking at, will +seem to be dancing or swimming before our eyes. And on that morning, not +hearing the splash of the rain as on the previous days, seeing the smile +of fine weather at the corners of my drawn curtains, as from the corners +of closed lips may escape the secret of their happiness, I had felt that I +could actually see those yellow leaves, with the light shining through +them, in their supreme beauty; and being no more able to restrain myself +from going to look at the trees than, in my childhood's days, when the +wind howled in the chimney, I had been able to resist the longing to visit +the sea, I had risen and left the house to go to Trianon, passing through +the Bois de Boulogne. It was the hour and the season in which the Bois +seems, perhaps, most multiform, not only because it is then most divided, +but because it is divided in a different way. Even in the unwooded parts, +where the horizon is large, here and there against the background of a +dark and distant mass of trees, now leafless or still keeping their summer +foliage unchanged, a double row of orange-red chestnuts seemed, as in a +picture just begun, to be the only thing painted, so far, by an artist who +had not yet laid any colour on the rest, and to be offering their +cloister, in full daylight, for the casual exercise of the human figures +that would be added to the picture later on. + +Farther off, at a place where the trees were still all green, one alone, +small, stunted, lopped, but stubborn in its resistance, was tossing in the +breeze an ugly mane of red. Elsewhere, again, might be seen the first +awakening of this Maytime of the leaves, and those of an ampelopsis, a +smiling miracle, like a red hawthorn flowering in winter, had that very +morning all 'come out,' so to speak, in blossom. And the Bois had the +temporary, unfinished, artificial look of a nursery garden or a park in +which, either for some botanic purpose or in preparation for a festival, +there have been embedded among the trees of commoner growth, which have +not yet been uprooted and transplanted elsewhere, a few rare specimens, +with fantastic foliage, which seem to be clearing all round themselves an +empty space, making room, giving air, diffusing light. Thus it was the +time of year at which the Bois de Boulogne displays more separate +characteristics, assembles more distinct elements in a composite whole +than at any other. It was also the time of day. In places where the trees +still kept their leaves, they seemed to have undergone an alteration of +their substance from the point at which they were touched by the sun's +light, still, at this hour in the morning, almost horizontal, as it would +be again, a few hours later, at the moment when, just as dusk began, it +would flame up like a lamp, project afar over the leaves a warm and +artificial glow, and set ablaze the few topmost boughs of a tree that +would itself remain unchanged, a sombre incombustible candelabrum beneath +its flaming crest. At one spot the light grew solid as a brick wall, and +like a piece of yellow Persian masonry, patterned in blue, daubed coarsely +upon the sky the leaves of the chestnuts; at another, it cut them off from +the sky towards which they stretched out their curling, golden fingers. +Half-way up the trunk of a tree draped with wild vine, the light had +grafted and brought to blossom, too dazzling to be clearly distinguished, +an enormous posy, of red flowers apparently, perhaps of a new variety of +carnation. The different parts of the Bois, so easily confounded in +summer in the density and monotony of their universal green, were now +clearly divided. A patch of brightness indicated the approach to almost +every one of them, or else a splendid mass of foliage stood out before it +like an oriflamme. I could make out, as on a coloured map, Armenonville, +the Pré Catalan, Madrid, the Race Course and the shore of the lake. Here +and there would appear some meaningless erection, a sham grotto, a mill, +for which the trees made room by drawing away from it, or which was borne +upon the soft green platform of a grassy lawn. I could feel that the Bois +was not really a wood, that it existed for a purpose alien to the life of +its trees; my sense of exaltation was due not only to admiration of the +autumn tints but to a bodily desire. Ample source of a joy which the heart +feels at first without being conscious of its cause, without understanding +that it results from no external impulse! Thus I gazed at the trees with +an unsatisfied longing which went beyond them and, without my knowledge, +directed itself towards that masterpiece of beautiful strolling women +which the trees enframed for a few hours every day. I walked towards the +Allée des Acacias. I passed through forest groves in which the morning +light, breaking them into new sections, lopped and trimmed the trees, +united different trunks in marriage, made nosegays of their branches. It +would skilfully draw towards it a pair of trees; making deft use of the +sharp chisel of light and shade, it would cut away from each of them half +of its trunk and branches, and, weaving together the two halves that +remained, would make of them either a single pillar of shade, defined by +the surrounding light, or a single luminous phantom whose artificial, +quivering contour was encompassed in a network of inky shadows. When a +ray of sunshine gilded the highest branches, they seemed, soaked and still +dripping with a sparkling moisture, to have emerged alone from the liquid, +emerald-green atmosphere in which the whole grove was plunged as though +beneath the sea. For the trees continued to live by their own vitality, +and when they had no longer any leaves, that vitality gleamed more +brightly still from the nap of green velvet that carpeted their trunks, or +in the white enamel of the globes of mistletoe that were scattered all the +way up to the topmost branches of the poplars, rounded as are the sun and +moon in Michelangelo's 'Creation.' But, forced for so many years now, by a +sort of grafting process, to share the life of feminine humanity, they +called to my mind the figure of the dryad, the fair worldling, swiftly +walking, brightly coloured, whom they sheltered with their branches as +she passed beneath them, and obliged to acknowledge, as they themselves +acknowledged, the power of the season; they recalled to me the happy days +when I was young and had faith, when I would hasten eagerly to the spots +where masterpieces of female elegance would be incarnate for a few moments +beneath the unconscious, accommodating boughs. But the beauty for which +the firs and acacias of the Bois de Boulogne made me long, more +disquieting in that respect than the chestnuts and lilacs of Trianon which +I was going to see, was not fixed somewhere outside myself in the relics +of an historical period, in works of art, in a little temple of love at +whose door was piled an oblation of autumn leaves ribbed with gold. I +reached the shore of the lake; I walked on as far as the pigeon-shooting +ground. The idea of perfection which I had within me I had bestowed, in +that other time, upon the height of a victoria, upon the raking thinness +of those horses, frenzied and light as wasps upon the wing, with bloodshot +eyes like the cruel steeds of Diomed, which now, smitten by a desire to +sea again what I had once loved, as ardent as the desire that had driven +me, many years before, along the same paths, I wished to see renewed +before my eyes at the moment when Mme. Swann's enormous coachman, +supervised by a groom no bigger than his fist, and as infantile as Saint +George in the picture, endeavoured to curb the ardour of the flying, +steel-tipped pinions with which they thundered along the ground. Alas! +there was nothing now but motor-cars driven each by a moustached mechanic, +with a tall footman towering by his side. I wished to hold before my +bodily eyes, that I might know whether they were indeed as charming as +they appeared to the eyes of memory, little hats, so low-crowned as to +seem no more than garlands about the brows of women. All the hats now were +immense; covered with fruits and flowers and all manner of birds. In place +of the lovely gowns in which Mme. Swann walked like a Queen, appeared +Greco-Saxon tunics, with Tanagra folds, or sometimes, in the Directoire +style, 'Liberty chiffons' sprinkled with flowers like sheets of wallpaper. +On the heads of the gentlemen who might have been eligible to stroll with +Mme. Swann in the Allée de la Reine Marguerite, I found not the grey +'tile' hats of old, nor any other kind. They walked the Bois bare-headed. +And seeing all these new elements of the spectacle, I had no longer the +faith which, applied to them, would have given them consistency, unity, +life; they passed in a scattered sequence before me, at random, without +reality, containing in themselves no beauty that my eyes might have +endeavoured as in the old days, to extract from them and to compose in a +picture. They were just women, in whose elegance I had no belief, and +whose clothes seemed to me unimportant. But when a belief vanishes, there +survives it--more and more ardently, so as to cloak the absence of the +power, now lost to us, of imparting reality to new phenomena--an +idolatrous attachment to the old things which our belief in them did once +animate, as if it was in that belief and not in ourselves that the divine +spark resided, and as if our present incredulity had a contingent +cause--the death of the gods. + +"Oh, horrible!" I exclaimed to myself: "Does anyone really imagine that +these motor-cars are as smart as the old carriage-and-pair? I dare say. I +am too old now--but I was not intended for a world in which women shackle +themselves in garments that are not even made of cloth. To what purpose +shall I walk among these trees if there is nothing left now of the +assembly that used to meet beneath the delicate tracery of reddening +leaves, if vulgarity and fatuity have supplanted the exquisite thing that +once their branches framed? Oh, horrible! My consolation is to think of +the women whom I have known, in the past, now that there is no standard +left of elegance. But how can the people who watch these dreadful +creatures hobble by, beneath hats on which have been heaped the spoils of +aviary or garden-bed,--how can they imagine the charm that there was in +the sight of Mme. Swann, crowned with a close-fitting lilac bonnet, or +with a tiny hat from which rose stiffly above her head a single +iris?" Could I ever have made them understand the emotion that I used to +feel on winter mornings, when I met Mme. Swann on foot, in an otter-skin +coat, with a woollen cap from which stuck out two blade-like +partridge-feathers, but enveloped also in the deliberate, artificial +warmth of her own house, which was suggested by nothing more than the +bunch of violets crushed into her bosom, whose flowering, vivid and blue +against the grey sky, the freezing air, the naked boughs, had the same +charming effect of using the season and the weather merely as a setting, +and of living actually in a human atmosphere, in the atmosphere of this +woman, as had in the vases and beaupots of her drawing-room, beside the +blazing fire, in front of the silk-covered sofa, the flowers that looked +out through closed windows at the falling snow? But it would not have +sufficed me that the costumes alone should still have been the same as in +those distant years. Because of the solidarity that binds together the +different parts of a general impression, parts that our memory keeps in a +balanced whole, of which we are not permitted to subtract or to decline +any fraction, I should have liked to be able to pass the rest of the day +with one of those women, over a cup of tea, in a little house with +dark-painted walls (as Mme. Swann's were still in the year after that in +which the first part of this story ends) against which would glow the +orange flame, the red combustion, the pink and white flickering of her +chrysanthemums in the twilight of a November evening, in moments similar +to those in which (as we shall see) I had not managed to discover the +pleasures for which I longed. But now, albeit they had led to nothing, +those moments struck me as having been charming enough in themselves. I +sought to find them again as I remembered them. Alas! there was nothing +now but flats decorated in the Louis XVI style, all white paint, with +hortensias in blue enamel. Moreover, people did not return to Paris, now, +until much later. Mme. Swann would have written to me, from a country +house, that she would not be in town before February, had I asked her to +reconstruct for me the elements of that memory which I felt to belong to a +distant era, to a date in time towards which it was forbidden me to ascend +again the fatal slope, the elements of that longing which had become, +itself, as inaccessible as the pleasure that it had once vainly pursued. +And I should have required also that they be the same women, those whose +costume interested me because, at a time when I still had faith, my +imagination had individualised them and had provided each of them with a +legend. Alas! in the acacia-avenue--the myrtle-alley--I did see some of +them again, grown old, no more now than grim spectres of what once they +had been, wandering to and fro, in desperate search of heaven knew what, +through the Virgilian groves. They had long fled, and still I stood vainly +questioning the deserted paths. The sun's face was hidden. Nature began +again to reign over the Bois, from which had vanished all trace of the +idea that it was the Elysian Garden of Woman; above the gimcrack windmill +the real sky was grey; the wind wrinkled the surface of the Grand Lac in +little wavelets, like a real lake; large birds passed swiftly over the +Bois, as over a real wood, and with shrill cries perched, one after +another, on the great oaks which, beneath their Druidical crown, and with +Dodonaic majesty, seemed to proclaim the unpeopled vacancy of this +estranged forest, and helped me to understand how paradoxical it is to +seek in reality for the pictures that are stored in one's memory, which +must inevitably lose the charm that comes to them from memory itself and +from their not being apprehended by the senses. The reality that I had +known no longer existed. It sufficed that Mme. Swann did not appear, in +the same attire and at the same moment, for the whole avenue to be +altered. The places that we have known belong now only to the little world +of space on which we map them for our own convenience. None of them was +ever more than a thin slice, held between the contiguous impressions that +composed our life at that time; remembrance of a particular form is but +regret for a particular moment; and houses, roads, avenues are as +fugitive, alas, as the years. + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Swann's Way, by Marcel Proust + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK SWANN'S WAY *** + +This file should be named 8swnn10.txt or 8swnn10.zip +Corrected EDITIONS of our eBooks get a new NUMBER, 8swnn11.txt +VERSIONS based on separate sources get new LETTER, 8swnn10a.txt + +This eBook was produced by Eric Eldred + +Project Gutenberg eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the US +unless a copyright notice is included. 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