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diff --git a/7104.txt b/7104.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..68208e6 --- /dev/null +++ b/7104.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1703 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Adventures of Huckleberry Finn, Part 5 +by Mark Twain (Samuel Clemens) + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Adventures of Huckleberry Finn, Part 5 + Chapters XXI. to XXV. + +Author: Mark Twain (Samuel Clemens) + +Release Date: June 27, 2004 [EBook #7104] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK HUCKLEBERRY FINN, PART 5. *** + + + + +Produced by David Widger + + + + + +HUCKLEBERRY FINN + +By Mark Twain + +Part 5. + + + +CHAPTER XXI. + +IT was after sun-up now, but we went right on and didn't tie up. The +king and the duke turned out by and by looking pretty rusty; but after +they'd jumped overboard and took a swim it chippered them up a good deal. +After breakfast the king he took a seat on the corner of the raft, and +pulled off his boots and rolled up his britches, and let his legs dangle +in the water, so as to be comfortable, and lit his pipe, and went to +getting his Romeo and Juliet by heart. When he had got it pretty good +him and the duke begun to practice it together. The duke had to learn +him over and over again how to say every speech; and he made him sigh, +and put his hand on his heart, and after a while he said he done it +pretty well; "only," he says, "you mustn't bellow out ROMEO! that way, +like a bull--you must say it soft and sick and languishy, so--R-o-o-meo! +that is the idea; for Juliet's a dear sweet mere child of a girl, you +know, and she doesn't bray like a jackass." + +Well, next they got out a couple of long swords that the duke made out of +oak laths, and begun to practice the sword fight--the duke called himself +Richard III.; and the way they laid on and pranced around the raft was +grand to see. But by and by the king tripped and fell overboard, and +after that they took a rest, and had a talk about all kinds of adventures +they'd had in other times along the river. + +After dinner the duke says: + +"Well, Capet, we'll want to make this a first-class show, you know, so I +guess we'll add a little more to it. We want a little something to +answer encores with, anyway." + +"What's onkores, Bilgewater?" + +The duke told him, and then says: + +"I'll answer by doing the Highland fling or the sailor's hornpipe; and +you--well, let me see--oh, I've got it--you can do Hamlet's soliloquy." + +"Hamlet's which?" + +"Hamlet's soliloquy, you know; the most celebrated thing in Shakespeare. +Ah, it's sublime, sublime! Always fetches the house. I haven't got it +in the book--I've only got one volume--but I reckon I can piece it out +from memory. I'll just walk up and down a minute, and see if I can call +it back from recollection's vaults." + +So he went to marching up and down, thinking, and frowning horrible every +now and then; then he would hoist up his eyebrows; next he would squeeze +his hand on his forehead and stagger back and kind of moan; next he would +sigh, and next he'd let on to drop a tear. It was beautiful to see him. +By and by he got it. He told us to give attention. Then he strikes a +most noble attitude, with one leg shoved forwards, and his arms stretched +away up, and his head tilted back, looking up at the sky; and then he +begins to rip and rave and grit his teeth; and after that, all through +his speech, he howled, and spread around, and swelled up his chest, and +just knocked the spots out of any acting ever I see before. This is the +speech--I learned it, easy enough, while he was learning it to the king: + +To be, or not to be; that is the bare bodkin That makes calamity of so +long life; For who would fardels bear, till Birnam Wood do come to +Dunsinane, But that the fear of something after death Murders the +innocent sleep, Great nature's second course, And makes us rather sling +the arrows of outrageous fortune Than fly to others that we know not of. +There's the respect must give us pause: Wake Duncan with thy knocking! I +would thou couldst; For who would bear the whips and scorns of time, The +oppressor's wrong, the proud man's contumely, The law's delay, and the +quietus which his pangs might take, In the dead waste and middle of the +night, when churchyards yawn In customary suits of solemn black, But that +the undiscovered country from whose bourne no traveler returns, Breathes +forth contagion on the world, And thus the native hue of resolution, like +the poor cat i' the adage, Is sicklied o'er with care, And all the clouds +that lowered o'er our housetops, With this regard their currents turn +awry, And lose the name of action. 'Tis a consummation devoutly to be +wished. But soft you, the fair Ophelia: Ope not thy ponderous and marble +jaws, But get thee to a nunnery--go! + +Well, the old man he liked that speech, and he mighty soon got it so he +could do it first-rate. It seemed like he was just born for it; and when +he had his hand in and was excited, it was perfectly lovely the way he +would rip and tear and rair up behind when he was getting it off. + +The first chance we got the duke he had some showbills printed; and after +that, for two or three days as we floated along, the raft was a most +uncommon lively place, for there warn't nothing but sword fighting and +rehearsing--as the duke called it--going on all the time. One morning, +when we was pretty well down the State of Arkansaw, we come in sight of a +little one-horse town in a big bend; so we tied up about three-quarters +of a mile above it, in the mouth of a crick which was shut in like a +tunnel by the cypress trees, and all of us but Jim took the canoe and +went down there to see if there was any chance in that place for our +show. + +We struck it mighty lucky; there was going to be a circus there that +afternoon, and the country people was already beginning to come in, in +all kinds of old shackly wagons, and on horses. The circus would leave +before night, so our show would have a pretty good chance. The duke he +hired the courthouse, and we went around and stuck up our bills. They +read like this: + +Shaksperean Revival ! ! ! +Wonderful Attraction! +For One Night Only! + +The world renowned tragedians, David Garrick the Younger, of Drury Lane +Theatre London, and Edmund Kean the elder, of the Royal Haymarket +Theatre, Whitechapel, Pudding Lane, Piccadilly, London, and the Royal +Continental Theatres, in their sublime Shaksperean Spectacle entitled + +TheBalcony Scene in Romeo and Juliet ! ! ! + +Romeo...................Mr. Garrick +Juliet..................Mr. Kean + +Assisted by the whole strength of the company! +New costumes, new scenes, new appointments! +Also: The thrilling, masterly, and blood-curdling +Broad-sword conflict In Richard III. ! ! ! + +Richard III.............Mr. Garrick +Richmond................Mr. Kean + +Also: (by special request) Hamlet's Immortal Soliloquy ! ! +By The Illustrious Kean! Done by him 300 consecutive nights in Paris! +For One Night Only, On account of imperative European engagements! +Admission 25 cents; children and servants, 10 cents. + +Then we went loafing around town. The stores and houses was most all +old, shackly, dried up frame concerns that hadn't ever been painted; they +was set up three or four foot above ground on stilts, so as to be out of +reach of the water when the river was over-flowed. The houses had little +gardens around them, but they didn't seem to raise hardly anything in +them but jimpson-weeds, and sunflowers, and ash piles, and old curled-up +boots and shoes, and pieces of bottles, and rags, and played-out tinware. +The fences was made of different kinds of boards, nailed on at different +times; and they leaned every which way, and had gates that didn't generly +have but one hinge--a leather one. Some of the fences had been +white-washed some time or another, but the duke said it was in Clumbus' +time, like enough. There was generly hogs in the garden, and people +driving them out. + +All the stores was along one street. They had white domestic awnings in +front, and the country people hitched their horses to the awning-posts. +There was empty drygoods boxes under the awnings, and loafers roosting on +them all day long, whittling them with their Barlow knives; and chawing +tobacco, and gaping and yawning and stretching--a mighty ornery lot. +They generly had on yellow straw hats most as wide as an umbrella, but +didn't wear no coats nor waistcoats, they called one another Bill, and +Buck, and Hank, and Joe, and Andy, and talked lazy and drawly, and used +considerable many cuss words. There was as many as one loafer leaning up +against every awning-post, and he most always had his hands in his +britches-pockets, except when he fetched them out to lend a chaw of +tobacco or scratch. What a body was hearing amongst them all the time +was: + +"Gimme a chaw 'v tobacker, Hank." + +"Cain't; I hain't got but one chaw left. Ask Bill." + +Maybe Bill he gives him a chaw; maybe he lies and says he ain't got none. +Some of them kinds of loafers never has a cent in the world, nor a chaw +of tobacco of their own. They get all their chawing by borrowing; they +say to a fellow, "I wisht you'd len' me a chaw, Jack, I jist this minute +give Ben Thompson the last chaw I had"--which is a lie pretty much +everytime; it don't fool nobody but a stranger; but Jack ain't no +stranger, so he says: + +"YOU give him a chaw, did you? So did your sister's cat's grandmother. +You pay me back the chaws you've awready borry'd off'n me, Lafe Buckner, +then I'll loan you one or two ton of it, and won't charge you no back +intrust, nuther." + +"Well, I DID pay you back some of it wunst." + +"Yes, you did--'bout six chaws. You borry'd store tobacker and paid back +nigger-head." + +Store tobacco is flat black plug, but these fellows mostly chaws the +natural leaf twisted. When they borrow a chaw they don't generly cut it +off with a knife, but set the plug in between their teeth, and gnaw with +their teeth and tug at the plug with their hands till they get it in two; +then sometimes the one that owns the tobacco looks mournful at it when +it's handed back, and says, sarcastic: + +"Here, gimme the CHAW, and you take the PLUG." + +All the streets and lanes was just mud; they warn't nothing else BUT mud +--mud as black as tar and nigh about a foot deep in some places, and two +or three inches deep in ALL the places. The hogs loafed and grunted +around everywheres. You'd see a muddy sow and a litter of pigs come +lazying along the street and whollop herself right down in the way, where +folks had to walk around her, and she'd stretch out and shut her eyes and +wave her ears whilst the pigs was milking her, and look as happy as if +she was on salary. And pretty soon you'd hear a loafer sing out, "Hi! SO +boy! sick him, Tige!" and away the sow would go, squealing most horrible, +with a dog or two swinging to each ear, and three or four dozen more +a-coming; and then you would see all the loafers get up and watch the thing +out of sight, and laugh at the fun and look grateful for the noise. Then +they'd settle back again till there was a dog fight. There couldn't +anything wake them up all over, and make them happy all over, like a dog +fight--unless it might be putting turpentine on a stray dog and setting +fire to him, or tying a tin pan to his tail and see him run himself to +death. + +On the river front some of the houses was sticking out over the bank, and +they was bowed and bent, and about ready to tumble in, The people had +moved out of them. The bank was caved away under one corner of some +others, and that corner was hanging over. People lived in them yet, but +it was dangersome, because sometimes a strip of land as wide as a house +caves in at a time. Sometimes a belt of land a quarter of a mile deep +will start in and cave along and cave along till it all caves into the +river in one summer. Such a town as that has to be always moving back, +and back, and back, because the river's always gnawing at it. + +The nearer it got to noon that day the thicker and thicker was the wagons +and horses in the streets, and more coming all the time. Families +fetched their dinners with them from the country, and eat them in the +wagons. There was considerable whisky drinking going on, and I seen +three fights. By and by somebody sings out: + +"Here comes old Boggs!--in from the country for his little old monthly +drunk; here he comes, boys!" + +All the loafers looked glad; I reckoned they was used to having fun out +of Boggs. One of them says: + +"Wonder who he's a-gwyne to chaw up this time. If he'd a-chawed up all +the men he's ben a-gwyne to chaw up in the last twenty year he'd have +considerable ruputation now." + +Another one says, "I wisht old Boggs 'd threaten me, 'cuz then I'd know I +warn't gwyne to die for a thousan' year." + +Boggs comes a-tearing along on his horse, whooping and yelling like an +Injun, and singing out: + +"Cler the track, thar. I'm on the waw-path, and the price uv coffins is +a-gwyne to raise." + +He was drunk, and weaving about in his saddle; he was over fifty year +old, and had a very red face. Everybody yelled at him and laughed at him +and sassed him, and he sassed back, and said he'd attend to them and lay +them out in their regular turns, but he couldn't wait now because he'd +come to town to kill old Colonel Sherburn, and his motto was, "Meat +first, and spoon vittles to top off on." + +He see me, and rode up and says: + +"Whar'd you come f'm, boy? You prepared to die?" + +Then he rode on. I was scared, but a man says: + +"He don't mean nothing; he's always a-carryin' on like that when he's +drunk. He's the best naturedest old fool in Arkansaw--never hurt nobody, +drunk nor sober." + +Boggs rode up before the biggest store in town, and bent his head down so +he could see under the curtain of the awning and yells: + +"Come out here, Sherburn! Come out and meet the man you've swindled. +You're the houn' I'm after, and I'm a-gwyne to have you, too!" + +And so he went on, calling Sherburn everything he could lay his tongue +to, and the whole street packed with people listening and laughing and +going on. By and by a proud-looking man about fifty-five--and he was a +heap the best dressed man in that town, too--steps out of the store, and +the crowd drops back on each side to let him come. He says to Boggs, +mighty ca'm and slow--he says: + +"I'm tired of this, but I'll endure it till one o'clock. Till one +o'clock, mind--no longer. If you open your mouth against me only once +after that time you can't travel so far but I will find you." + +Then he turns and goes in. The crowd looked mighty sober; nobody +stirred, and there warn't no more laughing. Boggs rode off blackguarding +Sherburn as loud as he could yell, all down the street; and pretty soon +back he comes and stops before the store, still keeping it up. Some men +crowded around him and tried to get him to shut up, but he wouldn't; they +told him it would be one o'clock in about fifteen minutes, and so he MUST +go home--he must go right away. But it didn't do no good. He cussed +away with all his might, and throwed his hat down in the mud and rode +over it, and pretty soon away he went a-raging down the street again, +with his gray hair a-flying. Everybody that could get a chance at him +tried their best to coax him off of his horse so they could lock him up +and get him sober; but it warn't no use--up the street he would tear +again, and give Sherburn another cussing. By and by somebody says: + +"Go for his daughter!--quick, go for his daughter; sometimes he'll listen +to her. If anybody can persuade him, she can." + +So somebody started on a run. I walked down street a ways and stopped. +In about five or ten minutes here comes Boggs again, but not on his +horse. He was a-reeling across the street towards me, bare-headed, with +a friend on both sides of him a-holt of his arms and hurrying him along. +He was quiet, and looked uneasy; and he warn't hanging back any, but was +doing some of the hurrying himself. Somebody sings out: + +"Boggs!" + +I looked over there to see who said it, and it was that Colonel Sherburn. +He was standing perfectly still in the street, and had a pistol raised in +his right hand--not aiming it, but holding it out with the barrel tilted +up towards the sky. The same second I see a young girl coming on the +run, and two men with her. Boggs and the men turned round to see who +called him, and when they see the pistol the men jumped to one side, and +the pistol-barrel come down slow and steady to a level--both barrels +cocked. Boggs throws up both of his hands and says, "O Lord, don't +shoot!" Bang! goes the first shot, and he staggers back, clawing at the +air--bang! goes the second one, and he tumbles backwards on to the +ground, heavy and solid, with his arms spread out. That young girl +screamed out and comes rushing, and down she throws herself on her +father, crying, and saying, "Oh, he's killed him, he's killed him!" The +crowd closed up around them, and shouldered and jammed one another, with +their necks stretched, trying to see, and people on the inside trying to +shove them back and shouting, "Back, back! give him air, give him air!" + +Colonel Sherburn he tossed his pistol on to the ground, and turned around +on his heels and walked off. + +They took Boggs to a little drug store, the crowd pressing around just +the same, and the whole town following, and I rushed and got a good place +at the window, where I was close to him and could see in. They laid him +on the floor and put one large Bible under his head, and opened another +one and spread it on his breast; but they tore open his shirt first, and +I seen where one of the bullets went in. He made about a dozen long +gasps, his breast lifting the Bible up when he drawed in his breath, and +letting it down again when he breathed it out--and after that he laid +still; he was dead. Then they pulled his daughter away from him, +screaming and crying, and took her off. She was about sixteen, and very +sweet and gentle looking, but awful pale and scared. + +Well, pretty soon the whole town was there, squirming and scrouging and +pushing and shoving to get at the window and have a look, but people that +had the places wouldn't give them up, and folks behind them was saying +all the time, "Say, now, you've looked enough, you fellows; 'tain't right +and 'tain't fair for you to stay thar all the time, and never give nobody +a chance; other folks has their rights as well as you." + +There was considerable jawing back, so I slid out, thinking maybe there +was going to be trouble. The streets was full, and everybody was +excited. Everybody that seen the shooting was telling how it happened, +and there was a big crowd packed around each one of these fellows, +stretching their necks and listening. One long, lanky man, with long +hair and a big white fur stovepipe hat on the back of his head, and a +crooked-handled cane, marked out the places on the ground where Boggs +stood and where Sherburn stood, and the people following him around from +one place to t'other and watching everything he done, and bobbing their +heads to show they understood, and stooping a little and resting their +hands on their thighs to watch him mark the places on the ground with his +cane; and then he stood up straight and stiff where Sherburn had stood, +frowning and having his hat-brim down over his eyes, and sung out, +"Boggs!" and then fetched his cane down slow to a level, and says "Bang!" +staggered backwards, says "Bang!" again, and fell down flat on his back. +The people that had seen the thing said he done it perfect; said it was +just exactly the way it all happened. Then as much as a dozen people got +out their bottles and treated him. + +Well, by and by somebody said Sherburn ought to be lynched. In about a +minute everybody was saying it; so away they went, mad and yelling, and +snatching down every clothes-line they come to to do the hanging with. + + + + +CHAPTER XXII. + +THEY swarmed up towards Sherburn's house, a-whooping and raging like +Injuns, and everything had to clear the way or get run over and tromped +to mush, and it was awful to see. Children was heeling it ahead of the +mob, screaming and trying to get out of the way; and every window along +the road was full of women's heads, and there was nigger boys in every +tree, and bucks and wenches looking over every fence; and as soon as the +mob would get nearly to them they would break and skaddle back out of +reach. Lots of the women and girls was crying and taking on, scared most +to death. + +They swarmed up in front of Sherburn's palings as thick as they could jam +together, and you couldn't hear yourself think for the noise. It was a +little twenty-foot yard. Some sung out "Tear down the fence! tear down +the fence!" Then there was a racket of ripping and tearing and smashing, +and down she goes, and the front wall of the crowd begins to roll in like +a wave. + +Just then Sherburn steps out on to the roof of his little front porch, +with a double-barrel gun in his hand, and takes his stand, perfectly ca'm +and deliberate, not saying a word. The racket stopped, and the wave +sucked back. + +Sherburn never said a word--just stood there, looking down. The +stillness was awful creepy and uncomfortable. Sherburn run his eye slow +along the crowd; and wherever it struck the people tried a little to +out-gaze him, but they couldn't; they dropped their eyes and looked sneaky. +Then pretty soon Sherburn sort of laughed; not the pleasant kind, but the +kind that makes you feel like when you are eating bread that's got sand +in it. + +Then he says, slow and scornful: + +"The idea of YOU lynching anybody! It's amusing. The idea of you +thinking you had pluck enough to lynch a MAN! Because you're brave +enough to tar and feather poor friendless cast-out women that come along +here, did that make you think you had grit enough to lay your hands on a +MAN? Why, a MAN'S safe in the hands of ten thousand of your kind--as +long as it's daytime and you're not behind him. + +"Do I know you? I know you clear through was born and raised in the +South, and I've lived in the North; so I know the average all around. +The average man's a coward. In the North he lets anybody walk over him +that wants to, and goes home and prays for a humble spirit to bear it. +In the South one man all by himself, has stopped a stage full of men in +the daytime, and robbed the lot. Your newspapers call you a brave people +so much that you think you are braver than any other people--whereas +you're just AS brave, and no braver. Why don't your juries hang +murderers? Because they're afraid the man's friends will shoot them in +the back, in the dark--and it's just what they WOULD do. + +"So they always acquit; and then a MAN goes in the night, with a hundred +masked cowards at his back and lynches the rascal. Your mistake is, that +you didn't bring a man with you; that's one mistake, and the other is +that you didn't come in the dark and fetch your masks. You brought PART +of a man--Buck Harkness, there--and if you hadn't had him to start you, +you'd a taken it out in blowing. + +"You didn't want to come. The average man don't like trouble and danger. +YOU don't like trouble and danger. But if only HALF a man--like Buck +Harkness, there--shouts 'Lynch him! lynch him!' you're afraid to back +down--afraid you'll be found out to be what you are--COWARDS--and so +you raise a yell, and hang yourselves on to that half-a-man's coat-tail, +and come raging up here, swearing what big things you're going to do. +The pitifulest thing out is a mob; that's what an army is--a mob; they +don't fight with courage that's born in them, but with courage that's +borrowed from their mass, and from their officers. But a mob without any +MAN at the head of it is BENEATH pitifulness. Now the thing for YOU to +do is to droop your tails and go home and crawl in a hole. If any real +lynching's going to be done it will be done in the dark, Southern +fashion; and when they come they'll bring their masks, and fetch a MAN +along. Now LEAVE--and take your half-a-man with you"--tossing his gun up +across his left arm and cocking it when he says this. + +The crowd washed back sudden, and then broke all apart, and went tearing +off every which way, and Buck Harkness he heeled it after them, looking +tolerable cheap. I could a stayed if I wanted to, but I didn't want to. + +I went to the circus and loafed around the back side till the watchman +went by, and then dived in under the tent. I had my twenty-dollar gold +piece and some other money, but I reckoned I better save it, because +there ain't no telling how soon you are going to need it, away from home +and amongst strangers that way. You can't be too careful. I ain't +opposed to spending money on circuses when there ain't no other way, but +there ain't no use in WASTING it on them. + +It was a real bully circus. It was the splendidest sight that ever was +when they all come riding in, two and two, a gentleman and lady, side by +side, the men just in their drawers and undershirts, and no shoes nor +stirrups, and resting their hands on their thighs easy and comfortable +--there must a been twenty of them--and every lady with a lovely +complexion, and perfectly beautiful, and looking just like a gang of real +sure-enough queens, and dressed in clothes that cost millions of dollars, +and just littered with diamonds. It was a powerful fine sight; I never +see anything so lovely. And then one by one they got up and stood, and +went a-weaving around the ring so gentle and wavy and graceful, the men +looking ever so tall and airy and straight, with their heads bobbing and +skimming along, away up there under the tent-roof, and every lady's +rose-leafy dress flapping soft and silky around her hips, and she looking +like the most loveliest parasol. + +And then faster and faster they went, all of them dancing, first one foot +out in the air and then the other, the horses leaning more and more, and +the ringmaster going round and round the center-pole, cracking his whip +and shouting "Hi!--hi!" and the clown cracking jokes behind him; and by +and by all hands dropped the reins, and every lady put her knuckles on +her hips and every gentleman folded his arms, and then how the horses did +lean over and hump themselves! And so one after the other they all +skipped off into the ring, and made the sweetest bow I ever see, and then +scampered out, and everybody clapped their hands and went just about +wild. + +Well, all through the circus they done the most astonishing things; and +all the time that clown carried on so it most killed the people. The +ringmaster couldn't ever say a word to him but he was back at him quick +as a wink with the funniest things a body ever said; and how he ever +COULD think of so many of them, and so sudden and so pat, was what I +couldn't noway understand. Why, I couldn't a thought of them in a year. +And by and by a drunk man tried to get into the ring--said he wanted to +ride; said he could ride as well as anybody that ever was. They argued +and tried to keep him out, but he wouldn't listen, and the whole show +come to a standstill. Then the people begun to holler at him and make +fun of him, and that made him mad, and he begun to rip and tear; so that +stirred up the people, and a lot of men begun to pile down off of the +benches and swarm towards the ring, saying, "Knock him down! throw him +out!" and one or two women begun to scream. So, then, the ringmaster he +made a little speech, and said he hoped there wouldn't be no disturbance, +and if the man would promise he wouldn't make no more trouble he would +let him ride if he thought he could stay on the horse. So everybody +laughed and said all right, and the man got on. The minute he was on, the +horse begun to rip and tear and jump and cavort around, with two circus +men hanging on to his bridle trying to hold him, and the drunk man +hanging on to his neck, and his heels flying in the air every jump, and +the whole crowd of people standing up shouting and laughing till tears +rolled down. And at last, sure enough, all the circus men could do, the +horse broke loose, and away he went like the very nation, round and round +the ring, with that sot laying down on him and hanging to his neck, with +first one leg hanging most to the ground on one side, and then t'other +one on t'other side, and the people just crazy. It warn't funny to me, +though; I was all of a tremble to see his danger. But pretty soon he +struggled up astraddle and grabbed the bridle, a-reeling this way and +that; and the next minute he sprung up and dropped the bridle and stood! +and the horse a-going like a house afire too. He just stood up there, +a-sailing around as easy and comfortable as if he warn't ever drunk in his +life--and then he begun to pull off his clothes and sling them. He shed +them so thick they kind of clogged up the air, and altogether he shed +seventeen suits. And, then, there he was, slim and handsome, and dressed +the gaudiest and prettiest you ever saw, and he lit into that horse with +his whip and made him fairly hum--and finally skipped off, and made his +bow and danced off to the dressing-room, and everybody just a-howling +with pleasure and astonishment. + +Then the ringmaster he see how he had been fooled, and he WAS the sickest +ringmaster you ever see, I reckon. Why, it was one of his own men! He +had got up that joke all out of his own head, and never let on to nobody. +Well, I felt sheepish enough to be took in so, but I wouldn't a been in +that ringmaster's place, not for a thousand dollars. I don't know; there +may be bullier circuses than what that one was, but I never struck them +yet. Anyways, it was plenty good enough for ME; and wherever I run across +it, it can have all of MY custom every time. + +Well, that night we had OUR show; but there warn't only about twelve +people there--just enough to pay expenses. And they laughed all the +time, and that made the duke mad; and everybody left, anyway, before the +show was over, but one boy which was asleep. So the duke said these +Arkansaw lunkheads couldn't come up to Shakespeare; what they wanted was +low comedy--and maybe something ruther worse than low comedy, he +reckoned. He said he could size their style. So next morning he got +some big sheets of wrapping paper and some black paint, and drawed off +some handbills, and stuck them up all over the village. The bills said: + +AT THE COURT HOUSE! FOR 3 NIGHTS ONLY! +The World-Renowned Tragedians +DAVID GARRICK THE YOUNGER! +AND EDMUND KEAN THE ELDER! +Of the London and +Continental Theatres, +In their Thrilling Tragedy of +THE KING'S CAMELEOPARD, +OR THE ROYAL NONESUCH ! ! ! +Admission 50 cents. + +Then at the bottom was the biggest line of all, which said: + +LADIES AND CHILDREN NOT ADMITTED. + +"There," says he, "if that line don't fetch them, I don't know Arkansaw!" + + + + +CHAPTER XXIII. + +WELL, all day him and the king was hard at it, rigging up a stage and a +curtain and a row of candles for footlights; and that night the house was +jam full of men in no time. When the place couldn't hold no more, the +duke he quit tending door and went around the back way and come on to the +stage and stood up before the curtain and made a little speech, and +praised up this tragedy, and said it was the most thrillingest one that +ever was; and so he went on a-bragging about the tragedy, and about +Edmund Kean the Elder, which was to play the main principal part in it; +and at last when he'd got everybody's expectations up high enough, he +rolled up the curtain, and the next minute the king come a-prancing out +on all fours, naked; and he was painted all over, ring-streaked-and- +striped, all sorts of colors, as splendid as a rainbow. And--but never +mind the rest of his outfit; it was just wild, but it was awful funny. +The people most killed themselves laughing; and when the king got done +capering and capered off behind the scenes, they roared and clapped and +stormed and haw-hawed till he come back and done it over again, and after +that they made him do it another time. Well, it would make a cow laugh to +see the shines that old idiot cut. + +Then the duke he lets the curtain down, and bows to the people, and says +the great tragedy will be performed only two nights more, on accounts of +pressing London engagements, where the seats is all sold already for it +in Drury Lane; and then he makes them another bow, and says if he has +succeeded in pleasing them and instructing them, he will be deeply +obleeged if they will mention it to their friends and get them to come +and see it. + +Twenty people sings out: + +"What, is it over? Is that ALL?" + +The duke says yes. Then there was a fine time. Everybody sings out, +"Sold!" and rose up mad, and was a-going for that stage and them +tragedians. But a big, fine looking man jumps up on a bench and shouts: + +"Hold on! Just a word, gentlemen." They stopped to listen. "We are +sold--mighty badly sold. But we don't want to be the laughing stock of +this whole town, I reckon, and never hear the last of this thing as long +as we live. NO. What we want is to go out of here quiet, and talk this +show up, and sell the REST of the town! Then we'll all be in the same +boat. Ain't that sensible?" ("You bet it is!--the jedge is right!" +everybody sings out.) "All right, then--not a word about any sell. Go +along home, and advise everybody to come and see the tragedy." + +Next day you couldn't hear nothing around that town but how splendid that +show was. House was jammed again that night, and we sold this crowd the +same way. When me and the king and the duke got home to the raft we all +had a supper; and by and by, about midnight, they made Jim and me back +her out and float her down the middle of the river, and fetch her in and +hide her about two mile below town. + +The third night the house was crammed again--and they warn't new-comers +this time, but people that was at the show the other two nights. I stood +by the duke at the door, and I see that every man that went in had his +pockets bulging, or something muffled up under his coat--and I see it +warn't no perfumery, neither, not by a long sight. I smelt sickly eggs +by the barrel, and rotten cabbages, and such things; and if I know the +signs of a dead cat being around, and I bet I do, there was sixty-four of +them went in. I shoved in there for a minute, but it was too various for +me; I couldn't stand it. Well, when the place couldn't hold no more +people the duke he give a fellow a quarter and told him to tend door for +him a minute, and then he started around for the stage door, I after him; +but the minute we turned the corner and was in the dark he says: + +"Walk fast now till you get away from the houses, and then shin for the +raft like the dickens was after you!" + +I done it, and he done the same. We struck the raft at the same time, +and in less than two seconds we was gliding down stream, all dark and +still, and edging towards the middle of the river, nobody saying a word. +I reckoned the poor king was in for a gaudy time of it with the audience, +but nothing of the sort; pretty soon he crawls out from under the wigwam, +and says: + +"Well, how'd the old thing pan out this time, duke?" He hadn't been +up-town at all. + +We never showed a light till we was about ten mile below the village. +Then we lit up and had a supper, and the king and the duke fairly laughed +their bones loose over the way they'd served them people. The duke says: + +"Greenhorns, flatheads! I knew the first house would keep mum and let +the rest of the town get roped in; and I knew they'd lay for us the third +night, and consider it was THEIR turn now. Well, it IS their turn, and +I'd give something to know how much they'd take for it. I WOULD just +like to know how they're putting in their opportunity. They can turn it +into a picnic if they want to--they brought plenty provisions." + +Them rapscallions took in four hundred and sixty-five dollars in that +three nights. I never see money hauled in by the wagon-load like that +before. By and by, when they was asleep and snoring, Jim says: + +"Don't it s'prise you de way dem kings carries on, Huck?" + +"No," I says, "it don't." + +"Why don't it, Huck?" + +"Well, it don't, because it's in the breed. I reckon they're all alike," + +"But, Huck, dese kings o' ourn is reglar rapscallions; dat's jist what +dey is; dey's reglar rapscallions." + +"Well, that's what I'm a-saying; all kings is mostly rapscallions, as fur +as I can make out." + +"Is dat so?" + +"You read about them once--you'll see. Look at Henry the Eight; this 'n +'s a Sunday-school Superintendent to HIM. And look at Charles Second, +and Louis Fourteen, and Louis Fifteen, and James Second, and Edward +Second, and Richard Third, and forty more; besides all them Saxon +heptarchies that used to rip around so in old times and raise Cain. My, +you ought to seen old Henry the Eight when he was in bloom. He WAS a +blossom. He used to marry a new wife every day, and chop off her head +next morning. And he would do it just as indifferent as if he was +ordering up eggs. 'Fetch up Nell Gwynn,' he says. They fetch her up. +Next morning, 'Chop off her head!' And they chop it off. 'Fetch up Jane +Shore,' he says; and up she comes, Next morning, 'Chop off her head'--and +they chop it off. 'Ring up Fair Rosamun.' Fair Rosamun answers the +bell. Next morning, 'Chop off her head.' And he made every one of them +tell him a tale every night; and he kept that up till he had hogged a +thousand and one tales that way, and then he put them all in a book, and +called it Domesday Book--which was a good name and stated the case. You +don't know kings, Jim, but I know them; and this old rip of ourn is one +of the cleanest I've struck in history. Well, Henry he takes a notion he +wants to get up some trouble with this country. How does he go at it +--give notice?--give the country a show? No. All of a sudden he heaves +all the tea in Boston Harbor overboard, and whacks out a declaration of +independence, and dares them to come on. That was HIS style--he never +give anybody a chance. He had suspicions of his father, the Duke of +Wellington. Well, what did he do? Ask him to show up? No--drownded +him in a butt of mamsey, like a cat. S'pose people left money laying +around where he was--what did he do? He collared it. S'pose he +contracted to do a thing, and you paid him, and didn't set down there and +see that he done it--what did he do? He always done the other thing. +S'pose he opened his mouth--what then? If he didn't shut it up powerful +quick he'd lose a lie every time. That's the kind of a bug Henry was; +and if we'd a had him along 'stead of our kings he'd a fooled that town a +heap worse than ourn done. I don't say that ourn is lambs, because they +ain't, when you come right down to the cold facts; but they ain't nothing +to THAT old ram, anyway. All I say is, kings is kings, and you got to +make allowances. Take them all around, they're a mighty ornery lot. +It's the way they're raised." + +"But dis one do SMELL so like de nation, Huck." + +"Well, they all do, Jim. We can't help the way a king smells; history +don't tell no way." + +"Now de duke, he's a tolerble likely man in some ways." + +"Yes, a duke's different. But not very different. This one's a middling +hard lot for a duke. When he's drunk there ain't no near-sighted man +could tell him from a king." + +"Well, anyways, I doan' hanker for no mo' un um, Huck. Dese is all I kin +stan'." + +"It's the way I feel, too, Jim. But we've got them on our hands, and we +got to remember what they are, and make allowances. Sometimes I wish we +could hear of a country that's out of kings." + +What was the use to tell Jim these warn't real kings and dukes? It +wouldn't a done no good; and, besides, it was just as I said: you +couldn't tell them from the real kind. + +I went to sleep, and Jim didn't call me when it was my turn. He often +done that. When I waked up just at daybreak he was sitting there with +his head down betwixt his knees, moaning and mourning to himself. I +didn't take notice nor let on. I knowed what it was about. He was +thinking about his wife and his children, away up yonder, and he was low +and homesick; because he hadn't ever been away from home before in his +life; and I do believe he cared just as much for his people as white +folks does for their'n. It don't seem natural, but I reckon it's so. He +was often moaning and mourning that way nights, when he judged I was +asleep, and saying, "Po' little 'Lizabeth! po' little Johnny! it's mighty +hard; I spec' I ain't ever gwyne to see you no mo', no mo'!" He was a +mighty good nigger, Jim was. + +But this time I somehow got to talking to him about his wife and young +ones; and by and by he says: + +"What makes me feel so bad dis time 'uz bekase I hear sumpn over yonder +on de bank like a whack, er a slam, while ago, en it mine me er de time I +treat my little 'Lizabeth so ornery. She warn't on'y 'bout fo' year ole, +en she tuck de sk'yarlet fever, en had a powful rough spell; but she got +well, en one day she was a-stannin' aroun', en I says to her, I says: + +"'Shet de do'.' + +"She never done it; jis' stood dah, kiner smilin' up at me. It make me +mad; en I says agin, mighty loud, I says: + +"'Doan' you hear me? Shet de do'!' + +"She jis stood de same way, kiner smilin' up. I was a-bilin'! I says: + +"'I lay I MAKE you mine!' + +"En wid dat I fetch' her a slap side de head dat sont her a-sprawlin'. +Den I went into de yuther room, en 'uz gone 'bout ten minutes; en when I +come back dah was dat do' a-stannin' open YIT, en dat chile stannin' mos' +right in it, a-lookin' down and mournin', en de tears runnin' down. My, +but I WUZ mad! I was a-gwyne for de chile, but jis' den--it was a do' +dat open innerds--jis' den, 'long come de wind en slam it to, behine de +chile, ker-BLAM!--en my lan', de chile never move'! My breff mos' hop +outer me; en I feel so--so--I doan' know HOW I feel. I crope out, all +a-tremblin', en crope aroun' en open de do' easy en slow, en poke my head +in behine de chile, sof' en still, en all uv a sudden I says POW! jis' as +loud as I could yell. SHE NEVER BUDGE! Oh, Huck, I bust out a-cryin' en +grab her up in my arms, en say, 'Oh, de po' little thing! De Lord God +Amighty fogive po' ole Jim, kaze he never gwyne to fogive hisself as +long's he live!' Oh, she was plumb deef en dumb, Huck, plumb deef en +dumb--en I'd ben a-treat'n her so!" + + + + +CHAPTER XXIV. + +NEXT day, towards night, we laid up under a little willow towhead out in +the middle, where there was a village on each side of the river, and the +duke and the king begun to lay out a plan for working them towns. Jim he +spoke to the duke, and said he hoped it wouldn't take but a few hours, +because it got mighty heavy and tiresome to him when he had to lay all +day in the wigwam tied with the rope. You see, when we left him all +alone we had to tie him, because if anybody happened on to him all by +himself and not tied it wouldn't look much like he was a runaway nigger, +you know. So the duke said it WAS kind of hard to have to lay roped all +day, and he'd cipher out some way to get around it. + +He was uncommon bright, the duke was, and he soon struck it. He dressed +Jim up in King Lear's outfit--it was a long curtain-calico gown, and a +white horse-hair wig and whiskers; and then he took his theater paint and +painted Jim's face and hands and ears and neck all over a dead, dull, +solid blue, like a man that's been drownded nine days. Blamed if he +warn't the horriblest looking outrage I ever see. Then the duke took and +wrote out a sign on a shingle so: + +Sick Arab--but harmless when not out of his head. + +And he nailed that shingle to a lath, and stood the lath up four or five +foot in front of the wigwam. Jim was satisfied. He said it was a sight +better than lying tied a couple of years every day, and trembling all +over every time there was a sound. The duke told him to make himself +free and easy, and if anybody ever come meddling around, he must hop out +of the wigwam, and carry on a little, and fetch a howl or two like a wild +beast, and he reckoned they would light out and leave him alone. Which +was sound enough judgment; but you take the average man, and he wouldn't +wait for him to howl. Why, he didn't only look like he was dead, he +looked considerable more than that. + +These rapscallions wanted to try the Nonesuch again, because there was so +much money in it, but they judged it wouldn't be safe, because maybe the +news might a worked along down by this time. They couldn't hit no +project that suited exactly; so at last the duke said he reckoned he'd +lay off and work his brains an hour or two and see if he couldn't put up +something on the Arkansaw village; and the king he allowed he would drop +over to t'other village without any plan, but just trust in Providence to +lead him the profitable way--meaning the devil, I reckon. We had all +bought store clothes where we stopped last; and now the king put his'n +on, and he told me to put mine on. I done it, of course. The king's +duds was all black, and he did look real swell and starchy. I never +knowed how clothes could change a body before. Why, before, he looked +like the orneriest old rip that ever was; but now, when he'd take off his +new white beaver and make a bow and do a smile, he looked that grand and +good and pious that you'd say he had walked right out of the ark, and +maybe was old Leviticus himself. Jim cleaned up the canoe, and I got my +paddle ready. There was a big steamboat laying at the shore away up +under the point, about three mile above the town--been there a couple +of hours, taking on freight. Says the king: + +"Seein' how I'm dressed, I reckon maybe I better arrive down from St. +Louis or Cincinnati, or some other big place. Go for the steamboat, +Huckleberry; we'll come down to the village on her." + +I didn't have to be ordered twice to go and take a steamboat ride. I +fetched the shore a half a mile above the village, and then went scooting +along the bluff bank in the easy water. Pretty soon we come to a nice +innocent-looking young country jake setting on a log swabbing the sweat +off of his face, for it was powerful warm weather; and he had a couple of +big carpet-bags by him. + +"Run her nose in shore," says the king. I done it. "Wher' you bound +for, young man?" + +"For the steamboat; going to Orleans." + +"Git aboard," says the king. "Hold on a minute, my servant 'll he'p you +with them bags. Jump out and he'p the gentleman, Adolphus"--meaning me, +I see. + +I done so, and then we all three started on again. The young chap was +mighty thankful; said it was tough work toting his baggage such weather. +He asked the king where he was going, and the king told him he'd come +down the river and landed at the other village this morning, and now he +was going up a few mile to see an old friend on a farm up there. The +young fellow says: + +"When I first see you I says to myself, 'It's Mr. Wilks, sure, and he +come mighty near getting here in time.' But then I says again, 'No, I +reckon it ain't him, or else he wouldn't be paddling up the river.' You +AIN'T him, are you?" + +"No, my name's Blodgett--Elexander Blodgett--REVEREND Elexander Blodgett, +I s'pose I must say, as I'm one o' the Lord's poor servants. But still +I'm jist as able to be sorry for Mr. Wilks for not arriving in time, all +the same, if he's missed anything by it--which I hope he hasn't." + +"Well, he don't miss any property by it, because he'll get that all +right; but he's missed seeing his brother Peter die--which he mayn't +mind, nobody can tell as to that--but his brother would a give anything +in this world to see HIM before he died; never talked about nothing else +all these three weeks; hadn't seen him since they was boys together--and +hadn't ever seen his brother William at all--that's the deef and dumb +one--William ain't more than thirty or thirty-five. Peter and George +were the only ones that come out here; George was the married brother; +him and his wife both died last year. Harvey and William's the only ones +that's left now; and, as I was saying, they haven't got here in time." + +"Did anybody send 'em word?" + +"Oh, yes; a month or two ago, when Peter was first took; because Peter +said then that he sorter felt like he warn't going to get well this time. +You see, he was pretty old, and George's g'yirls was too young to be much +company for him, except Mary Jane, the red-headed one; and so he was +kinder lonesome after George and his wife died, and didn't seem to care +much to live. He most desperately wanted to see Harvey--and William, +too, for that matter--because he was one of them kind that can't bear to +make a will. He left a letter behind for Harvey, and said he'd told in +it where his money was hid, and how he wanted the rest of the property +divided up so George's g'yirls would be all right--for George didn't +leave nothing. And that letter was all they could get him to put a pen +to." + +"Why do you reckon Harvey don't come? Wher' does he live?" + +"Oh, he lives in England--Sheffield--preaches there--hasn't ever been in +this country. He hasn't had any too much time--and besides he mightn't a +got the letter at all, you know." + +"Too bad, too bad he couldn't a lived to see his brothers, poor soul. +You going to Orleans, you say?" + +"Yes, but that ain't only a part of it. I'm going in a ship, next +Wednesday, for Ryo Janeero, where my uncle lives." + +"It's a pretty long journey. But it'll be lovely; wisht I was a-going. +Is Mary Jane the oldest? How old is the others?" + +"Mary Jane's nineteen, Susan's fifteen, and Joanna's about fourteen +--that's the one that gives herself to good works and has a hare-lip." + + +"Poor things! to be left alone in the cold world so." + +"Well, they could be worse off. Old Peter had friends, and they ain't +going to let them come to no harm. There's Hobson, the Babtis' preacher; +and Deacon Lot Hovey, and Ben Rucker, and Abner Shackleford, and Levi +Bell, the lawyer; and Dr. Robinson, and their wives, and the widow +Bartley, and--well, there's a lot of them; but these are the ones that +Peter was thickest with, and used to write about sometimes, when he wrote +home; so Harvey 'll know where to look for friends when he gets here." + +Well, the old man went on asking questions till he just fairly emptied +that young fellow. Blamed if he didn't inquire about everybody and +everything in that blessed town, and all about the Wilkses; and about +Peter's business--which was a tanner; and about George's--which was a +carpenter; and about Harvey's--which was a dissentering minister; and so +on, and so on. Then he says: + +"What did you want to walk all the way up to the steamboat for?" + +"Because she's a big Orleans boat, and I was afeard she mightn't stop +there. When they're deep they won't stop for a hail. A Cincinnati boat +will, but this is a St. Louis one." + +"Was Peter Wilks well off?" + +"Oh, yes, pretty well off. He had houses and land, and it's reckoned he +left three or four thousand in cash hid up som'ers." + +"When did you say he died?" + +"I didn't say, but it was last night." + +"Funeral to-morrow, likely?" + +"Yes, 'bout the middle of the day." + +"Well, it's all terrible sad; but we've all got to go, one time or +another. So what we want to do is to be prepared; then we're all right." + +"Yes, sir, it's the best way. Ma used to always say that." + +When we struck the boat she was about done loading, and pretty soon she +got off. The king never said nothing about going aboard, so I lost my +ride, after all. When the boat was gone the king made me paddle up +another mile to a lonesome place, and then he got ashore and says: + +"Now hustle back, right off, and fetch the duke up here, and the new +carpet-bags. And if he's gone over to t'other side, go over there and +git him. And tell him to git himself up regardless. Shove along, now." + +I see what HE was up to; but I never said nothing, of course. When I got +back with the duke we hid the canoe, and then they set down on a log, and +the king told him everything, just like the young fellow had said it +--every last word of it. And all the time he was a-doing it he tried to +talk like an Englishman; and he done it pretty well, too, for a slouch. +I can't imitate him, and so I ain't a-going to try to; but he really done +it pretty good. Then he says: + +"How are you on the deef and dumb, Bilgewater?" + +The duke said, leave him alone for that; said he had played a deef and +dumb person on the histronic boards. So then they waited for a +steamboat. + +About the middle of the afternoon a couple of little boats come along, +but they didn't come from high enough up the river; but at last there was +a big one, and they hailed her. She sent out her yawl, and we went +aboard, and she was from Cincinnati; and when they found we only wanted +to go four or five mile they was booming mad, and gave us a cussing, and +said they wouldn't land us. But the king was ca'm. He says: + +"If gentlemen kin afford to pay a dollar a mile apiece to be took on and +put off in a yawl, a steamboat kin afford to carry 'em, can't it?" + +So they softened down and said it was all right; and when we got to the +village they yawled us ashore. About two dozen men flocked down when +they see the yawl a-coming, and when the king says: + +"Kin any of you gentlemen tell me wher' Mr. Peter Wilks lives?" they give +a glance at one another, and nodded their heads, as much as to say, "What +d' I tell you?" Then one of them says, kind of soft and gentle: + +"I'm sorry sir, but the best we can do is to tell you where he DID live +yesterday evening." + +Sudden as winking the ornery old cretur went an to smash, and fell up +against the man, and put his chin on his shoulder, and cried down his +back, and says: + +"Alas, alas, our poor brother--gone, and we never got to see him; oh, +it's too, too hard!" + +Then he turns around, blubbering, and makes a lot of idiotic signs to the +duke on his hands, and blamed if he didn't drop a carpet-bag and bust out +a-crying. If they warn't the beatenest lot, them two frauds, that ever I +struck. + +Well, the men gathered around and sympathized with them, and said all +sorts of kind things to them, and carried their carpet-bags up the hill +for them, and let them lean on them and cry, and told the king all about +his brother's last moments, and the king he told it all over again on his +hands to the duke, and both of them took on about that dead tanner like +they'd lost the twelve disciples. Well, if ever I struck anything like +it, I'm a nigger. It was enough to make a body ashamed of the human race. + + + + +CHAPTER XXV. + +THE news was all over town in two minutes, and you could see the people +tearing down on the run from every which way, some of them putting on +their coats as they come. Pretty soon we was in the middle of a crowd, +and the noise of the tramping was like a soldier march. The windows and +dooryards was full; and every minute somebody would say, over a fence: + +"Is it THEM?" + +And somebody trotting along with the gang would answer back and say: + +"You bet it is." + +When we got to the house the street in front of it was packed, and the +three girls was standing in the door. Mary Jane WAS red-headed, but that +don't make no difference, she was most awful beautiful, and her face and +her eyes was all lit up like glory, she was so glad her uncles was come. +The king he spread his arms, and Mary Jane she jumped for them, and the +hare-lip jumped for the duke, and there they HAD it! Everybody most, +leastways women, cried for joy to see them meet again at last and have +such good times. + +Then the king he hunched the duke private--I see him do it--and then he +looked around and see the coffin, over in the corner on two chairs; so +then him and the duke, with a hand across each other's shoulder, and +t'other hand to their eyes, walked slow and solemn over there, everybody +dropping back to give them room, and all the talk and noise stopping, +people saying "Sh!" and all the men taking their hats off and drooping +their heads, so you could a heard a pin fall. And when they got there +they bent over and looked in the coffin, and took one sight, and then +they bust out a-crying so you could a heard them to Orleans, most; and +then they put their arms around each other's necks, and hung their chins +over each other's shoulders; and then for three minutes, or maybe four, I +never see two men leak the way they done. And, mind you, everybody was +doing the same; and the place was that damp I never see anything like it. +Then one of them got on one side of the coffin, and t'other on t'other +side, and they kneeled down and rested their foreheads on the coffin, and +let on to pray all to themselves. Well, when it come to that it worked +the crowd like you never see anything like it, and everybody broke down +and went to sobbing right out loud--the poor girls, too; and every woman, +nearly, went up to the girls, without saying a word, and kissed them, +solemn, on the forehead, and then put their hand on their head, and +looked up towards the sky, with the tears running down, and then busted +out and went off sobbing and swabbing, and give the next woman a show. I +never see anything so disgusting. + +Well, by and by the king he gets up and comes forward a little, and works +himself up and slobbers out a speech, all full of tears and flapdoodle +about its being a sore trial for him and his poor brother to lose the +diseased, and to miss seeing diseased alive after the long journey of +four thousand mile, but it's a trial that's sweetened and sanctified to +us by this dear sympathy and these holy tears, and so he thanks them out +of his heart and out of his brother's heart, because out of their mouths +they can't, words being too weak and cold, and all that kind of rot and +slush, till it was just sickening; and then he blubbers out a pious +goody-goody Amen, and turns himself loose and goes to crying fit to bust. + +And the minute the words were out of his mouth somebody over in the crowd +struck up the doxolojer, and everybody joined in with all their might, +and it just warmed you up and made you feel as good as church letting +out. Music is a good thing; and after all that soul-butter and hogwash I +never see it freshen up things so, and sound so honest and bully. + +Then the king begins to work his jaw again, and says how him and his +nieces would be glad if a few of the main principal friends of the family +would take supper here with them this evening, and help set up with the +ashes of the diseased; and says if his poor brother laying yonder could +speak he knows who he would name, for they was names that was very dear +to him, and mentioned often in his letters; and so he will name the same, +to wit, as follows, vizz.:--Rev. Mr. Hobson, and Deacon Lot Hovey, and +Mr. Ben Rucker, and Abner Shackleford, and Levi Bell, and Dr. Robinson, +and their wives, and the widow Bartley. + +Rev. Hobson and Dr. Robinson was down to the end of the town a-hunting +together--that is, I mean the doctor was shipping a sick man to t'other +world, and the preacher was pinting him right. Lawyer Bell was away up +to Louisville on business. But the rest was on hand, and so they all +come and shook hands with the king and thanked him and talked to him; and +then they shook hands with the duke and didn't say nothing, but just kept +a-smiling and bobbing their heads like a passel of sapheads whilst he +made all sorts of signs with his hands and said "Goo-goo--goo-goo-goo" +all the time, like a baby that can't talk. + +So the king he blattered along, and managed to inquire about pretty much +everybody and dog in town, by his name, and mentioned all sorts of little +things that happened one time or another in the town, or to George's +family, or to Peter. And he always let on that Peter wrote him the +things; but that was a lie: he got every blessed one of them out of that +young flathead that we canoed up to the steamboat. + +Then Mary Jane she fetched the letter her father left behind, and the +king he read it out loud and cried over it. It give the dwelling-house +and three thousand dollars, gold, to the girls; and it give the tanyard +(which was doing a good business), along with some other houses and land +(worth about seven thousand), and three thousand dollars in gold to +Harvey and William, and told where the six thousand cash was hid down +cellar. So these two frauds said they'd go and fetch it up, and have +everything square and above-board; and told me to come with a candle. We +shut the cellar door behind us, and when they found the bag they spilt it +out on the floor, and it was a lovely sight, all them yaller-boys. My, +the way the king's eyes did shine! He slaps the duke on the shoulder and +says: + +"Oh, THIS ain't bully nor noth'n! Oh, no, I reckon not! Why, Billy, it +beats the Nonesuch, DON'T it?" + +The duke allowed it did. They pawed the yaller-boys, and sifted them +through their fingers and let them jingle down on the floor; and the king +says: + +"It ain't no use talkin'; bein' brothers to a rich dead man and +representatives of furrin heirs that's got left is the line for you and +me, Bilge. Thish yer comes of trust'n to Providence. It's the best way, +in the long run. I've tried 'em all, and ther' ain't no better way." + +Most everybody would a been satisfied with the pile, and took it on +trust; but no, they must count it. So they counts it, and it comes out +four hundred and fifteen dollars short. Says the king: + +"Dern him, I wonder what he done with that four hundred and fifteen +dollars?" + +They worried over that awhile, and ransacked all around for it. Then the +duke says: + +"Well, he was a pretty sick man, and likely he made a mistake--I reckon +that's the way of it. The best way's to let it go, and keep still about +it. We can spare it." + +"Oh, shucks, yes, we can SPARE it. I don't k'yer noth'n 'bout that--it's +the COUNT I'm thinkin' about. We want to be awful square and open and +above-board here, you know. We want to lug this h-yer money up stairs +and count it before everybody--then ther' ain't noth'n suspicious. But +when the dead man says ther's six thous'n dollars, you know, we don't +want to--" + +"Hold on," says the duke. "Le's make up the deffisit," and he begun to +haul out yaller-boys out of his pocket. + +"It's a most amaz'n' good idea, duke--you HAVE got a rattlin' clever head +on you," says the king. "Blest if the old Nonesuch ain't a heppin' us +out agin," and HE begun to haul out yaller-jackets and stack them up. + +It most busted them, but they made up the six thousand clean and clear. + +"Say," says the duke, "I got another idea. Le's go up stairs and count +this money, and then take and GIVE IT TO THE GIRLS." + +"Good land, duke, lemme hug you! It's the most dazzling idea 'at ever a +man struck. You have cert'nly got the most astonishin' head I ever see. +Oh, this is the boss dodge, ther' ain't no mistake 'bout it. Let 'em +fetch along their suspicions now if they want to--this 'll lay 'em out." + +When we got up-stairs everybody gethered around the table, and the king +he counted it and stacked it up, three hundred dollars in a pile--twenty +elegant little piles. Everybody looked hungry at it, and licked their +chops. Then they raked it into the bag again, and I see the king begin +to swell himself up for another speech. He says: + +"Friends all, my poor brother that lays yonder has done generous by them +that's left behind in the vale of sorrers. He has done generous by these +yer poor little lambs that he loved and sheltered, and that's left +fatherless and motherless. Yes, and we that knowed him knows that he +would a done MORE generous by 'em if he hadn't ben afeard o' woundin' his +dear William and me. Now, WOULDN'T he? Ther' ain't no question 'bout it +in MY mind. Well, then, what kind o' brothers would it be that 'd stand +in his way at sech a time? And what kind o' uncles would it be that 'd +rob--yes, ROB--sech poor sweet lambs as these 'at he loved so at sech a +time? If I know William--and I THINK I do--he--well, I'll jest ask him." +He turns around and begins to make a lot of signs to the duke with his +hands, and the duke he looks at him stupid and leather-headed a while; +then all of a sudden he seems to catch his meaning, and jumps for the +king, goo-gooing with all his might for joy, and hugs him about fifteen +times before he lets up. Then the king says, "I knowed it; I reckon THAT +'ll convince anybody the way HE feels about it. Here, Mary Jane, Susan, +Joanner, take the money--take it ALL. It's the gift of him that lays +yonder, cold but joyful." + +Mary Jane she went for him, Susan and the hare-lip went for the duke, and +then such another hugging and kissing I never see yet. And everybody +crowded up with the tears in their eyes, and most shook the hands off of +them frauds, saying all the time: + +"You DEAR good souls!--how LOVELY!--how COULD you!" + +Well, then, pretty soon all hands got to talking about the diseased +again, and how good he was, and what a loss he was, and all that; and +before long a big iron-jawed man worked himself in there from outside, +and stood a-listening and looking, and not saying anything; and nobody +saying anything to him either, because the king was talking and they was +all busy listening. The king was saying--in the middle of something he'd +started in on-- + +"--they bein' partickler friends o' the diseased. That's why they're +invited here this evenin'; but tomorrow we want ALL to come--everybody; +for he respected everybody, he liked everybody, and so it's fitten that +his funeral orgies sh'd be public." + +And so he went a-mooning on and on, liking to hear himself talk, and +every little while he fetched in his funeral orgies again, till the duke +he couldn't stand it no more; so he writes on a little scrap of paper, +"OBSEQUIES, you old fool," and folds it up, and goes to goo-gooing and +reaching it over people's heads to him. The king he reads it and puts it +in his pocket, and says: + +"Poor William, afflicted as he is, his HEART'S aluz right. Asks me to +invite everybody to come to the funeral--wants me to make 'em all +welcome. But he needn't a worried--it was jest what I was at." + +Then he weaves along again, perfectly ca'm, and goes to dropping in his +funeral orgies again every now and then, just like he done before. And +when he done it the third time he says: + +"I say orgies, not because it's the common term, because it ain't +--obsequies bein' the common term--but because orgies is the right term. +Obsequies ain't used in England no more now--it's gone out. We say +orgies now in England. Orgies is better, because it means the thing +you're after more exact. It's a word that's made up out'n the Greek +ORGO, outside, open, abroad; and the Hebrew JEESUM, to plant, cover up; +hence inTER. So, you see, funeral orgies is an open er public funeral." + +He was the WORST I ever struck. Well, the iron-jawed man he laughed +right in his face. Everybody was shocked. Everybody says, "Why, +DOCTOR!" and Abner Shackleford says: + +"Why, Robinson, hain't you heard the news? This is Harvey Wilks." + +The king he smiled eager, and shoved out his flapper, and says: + +"Is it my poor brother's dear good friend and physician? I--" + +"Keep your hands off of me!" says the doctor. "YOU talk like an +Englishman, DON'T you? It's the worst imitation I ever heard. YOU Peter +Wilks's brother! You're a fraud, that's what you are!" + +Well, how they all took on! They crowded around the doctor and tried to +quiet him down, and tried to explain to him and tell him how Harvey 'd +showed in forty ways that he WAS Harvey, and knowed everybody by name, +and the names of the very dogs, and begged and BEGGED him not to hurt +Harvey's feelings and the poor girl's feelings, and all that. But it +warn't no use; he stormed right along, and said any man that pretended to +be an Englishman and couldn't imitate the lingo no better than what he +did was a fraud and a liar. The poor girls was hanging to the king and +crying; and all of a sudden the doctor ups and turns on THEM. He says: + +"I was your father's friend, and I'm your friend; and I warn you as a +friend, and an honest one that wants to protect you and keep you out of +harm and trouble, to turn your backs on that scoundrel and have nothing +to do with him, the ignorant tramp, with his idiotic Greek and Hebrew, as +he calls it. He is the thinnest kind of an impostor--has come here with +a lot of empty names and facts which he picked up somewheres, and you +take them for PROOFS, and are helped to fool yourselves by these foolish +friends here, who ought to know better. Mary Jane Wilks, you know me for +your friend, and for your unselfish friend, too. Now listen to me; turn +this pitiful rascal out--I BEG you to do it. Will you?" + +Mary Jane straightened herself up, and my, but she was handsome! She +says: + +"HERE is my answer." She hove up the bag of money and put it in the +king's hands, and says, "Take this six thousand dollars, and invest for +me and my sisters any way you want to, and don't give us no receipt for +it." + +Then she put her arm around the king on one side, and Susan and the +hare-lip done the same on the other. Everybody clapped their hands and +stomped on the floor like a perfect storm, whilst the king held up his +head and smiled proud. The doctor says: + +"All right; I wash MY hands of the matter. But I warn you all that a +time 's coming when you're going to feel sick whenever you think of this +day." And away he went. + +"All right, doctor," says the king, kinder mocking him; "we'll try and +get 'em to send for you;" which made them all laugh, and they said it was +a prime good hit. + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Adventures of Huckleberry Finn, Part 5 +by Mark Twain (Samuel Clemens) + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK HUCKLEBERRY FINN, PART 5. *** + +***** This file should be named 7104.txt or 7104.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/7/1/0/7104/ + +Produced by David Widger + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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