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diff --git a/old/7prnc10.txt.20090221 b/old/7prnc10.txt.20090221 new file mode 100644 index 0000000..194253f --- /dev/null +++ b/old/7prnc10.txt.20090221 @@ -0,0 +1,2680 @@ +Project Gutenberg's Monsieur de Pourceaugnac, by Poquelin (Moliere) +Translated by Charles Heron Wall + +Copyright laws are changing all over the world. Be sure to check the +copyright laws for your country before downloading or redistributing +this or any other Project Gutenberg eBook. + +This header should be the first thing seen when viewing this Project +Gutenberg file. Please do not remove it. Do not change or edit the +header without written permission. + +Please read the "legal small print," and other information about the +eBook and Project Gutenberg at the bottom of this file. Included is +important information about your specific rights and restrictions in +how the file may be used. You can also find out about how to make a +donation to Project Gutenberg, and how to get involved. + + +**Welcome To The World of Free Plain Vanilla Electronic Texts** + +**eBooks Readable By Both Humans and By Computers, Since 1971** + +*****These eBooks Were Prepared By Thousands of Volunteers!***** + + +Title: Monsieur de Pourceaugnac + + +Author: Poquelin (Moliere) + +Release Date: December, 2004 [EBook #7009] +[Yes, we are more than one year ahead of schedule] +[This file was first posted on February 21, 2003] + +Edition: 10 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MONSIEUR DE POURCEAUGNAC *** + + + + +This eBooks was produced as a DP project (Delphine Lettau PM) + + + + +MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC. + +BY + +MOLIERE + + +TRANSLATED INTO ENGLISH PROSE. + +_WITH SHORT INTRODUCTIONS AND EXPLANATORY NOTES_. + +BY + +CHARLES HERON WALL + + + +'Monsieur de Pourceaugnac', acted on October 6, 1669, is nothing but +a farce. But Moliere excels in farce as well as in higher comedy, and +'Monsieur de Pourceaugnac' is one of the best of its kind. The +attacks upon the doctors of the time are not exaggerated. Moliere +acted the part of Mr. de Pourceaugnac. + + + + +PERSONS REPRESENTED. + + +MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC. ORONTE, _father to_ JULIA. + +ERASTE, _lover to_ JULIA. + +SBRIGANI, _a Neapolitan adventurer_. + +FIRST PHYSICIAN. + +SECOND PHYSICIAN. + +AN APOTHECARY. + +A PEASANT. + +A FEMALE PEASANT. + +FIRST SWISS. + +SECOND SWISS. + +A POLICE OFFICER. + +TWO INFERIOR POLICE OFFICERS. + +JULIA, _daughter to_ ORONTE. + +NERINE, _an intriguing woman, supposed to come from Picardy._ + +LUCETTE, _supposed to come from Gascony._ + +* * * * * + +The scene is in Paris. + + + + +MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC. + + + + +ACT I. + +SCENE I.--ERASTE, A LADY SINGER, TWO MEN SINGERS, _several others +performing on instruments_, DANCERS. + + +ERA. (_to the_ MUSICIANS _and_ DANCERS). Carry out the +orders I have given you for the serenade. As for myself, I will +withdraw, for I do not wish to be seen here. + + + + +SCENE II.--A LADY SINGER, TWO MEN SINGERS, _several others +performing on instruments_, DANCERS. + +LADY (_sings_). + Spread, charming night, spread over every brow + The subtle scent of thy narcotic flower, + And let no wakeful hearts keep vigil now + Save those enthralled by love's resistless power. + More beautiful than day's most beauteous light, + Thy silent shades were made for love's delight. + +FIRST SINGER. + Love is sweet when none our wills oppose; + Then peaceful tastes our gentle hearts dispose; + But tyrants reign, who gave us birth and life. + Ah! love is sweet when love is free from strife. + +SECOND SINGER. + All who strive 'gainst love must fall; + Perfect love will conquer all. + +ALL THREE. + Let us love with an eternal ardour! + Let parents frown, and try in vain to cure, + Absence, hardship, or cruel fortune's rigour + Will only strengthen love when true and pure. + +_First entry of the_ BALLET. +(_Dance of the two_ DANCING MASTERS.) + +_Second entry of the_ BALLET. +(_Dance of the two_ PAGES.) + +_Third entry of the_ BALLET. +(_Four_ SPECTATORS, _who quarrelled during the dance, now +dance, sword in hand, fighting all the while_.) + +_Fourth entry of the_ BALLET. +(_Two_ SOLDIERS _separate the combatants, and dance with +them_.) + + + + +SCENE III.--JULIA, ERASTE, NERINE. + +JUL. Oh dear, Eraste! take care that we are not discovered. I am so +afraid of being seen with you; all would be lost after the command I +have received to the contrary. + +ERA. I see nobody about. + +JUL. (_to_ NERINE). Just keep watch, Nerine, and be careful that +nobody comes. + +NER. (_going to the farther end of the stage_). Trust me for +that: and say all you have to say to each other. + +JUL. Have you thought of anything to favour our plan, Eraste? And do +you think that we shall succeed in breaking off that marriage which +my father has taken into his head? + +ERA. We are at least doing all we can for it, and we have ready many +schemes to bring such an absurd notion to naught. + +NER. (_running towards_ JULIA). I say, here is your father. + +JUL. Ah! let us separate quickly. + +NER. No, no; don't go; I made a mistake. + +JUL. How absurd you are, Nerine, to give us such a fright! + +ERA. Yes, dear Julia, we have plenty of stratagems ready for the +purpose; and, in accordance with the permission you have given me, we +will not hesitate to make use of every means. Do not ask me what it +is we are going to do; you will have the fun of seeing it, and, as at a +comedy, it will be nice for you to have the pleasure of being surprised +without my letting you know beforehand what is going to take place. +This is telling you that we have many schemes in hand for the +occasion, and that our clever Nerine and the dexterous Sbrigani have +undertaken to bring the affair to a successful issue. + +NER. Yes, we have indeed. Is your father crazy to think of entangling +you with his lawyer of Limoges; that Mr. de Pourceaugnac, whom he +has never seen in his life, and who comes by the coach to take you +away before our very eyes? Ought three or four thousand crowns, more +or less--and that, too, upon the word of your uncle--to make him refuse +a lover you like? Besides, are you made for a Limousin? If he has taken +it into his head to marry, why does he not take one of his own +countrywomen, and let Christians be at peace? The very name of +Pourceaugnac puts me in a frightful rage. I boil over with Mr. de +Pourceaugnac. If it were only because of the name, I would do +anything to prevent the match. No, you shall not be Mrs. de +Pourceaugnac. Pourceaugnac! Was ever such a name heard of! [Footnote: +Pourceaugnac equals _pourceau_, "a young pig," plus the local +ending _-gnac_.] No, I could never put up with Pourceaugnac; and +we will abuse the man to such an extent, and play him so many tricks, +that he will have to return to Limoges, Mr. de Pourceaugnac. + +ERA. Here is our cunning Neapolitan, who will give us news. + + + + +SCENE IV.--JULIA, ERASTE, SBRIGANI, NERINE. + +SBRI. Our man has just come, Sir. I saw him at a place three leagues +away from here, where the coach stops; and I studied him for more +than half an hour in the kitchen, where he went down to breakfast, +and I know him now perfectly. As to his appearance, I will say nothing +about it; you will see for yourselves what nature has done for him, and +if his dress is not the very thing to set that off. But as for his +understanding, I can tell you beforehand that it is among the dullest I +have met with for a long time. We shall find in him a fit subject to work +upon as we like. He is just the man to fall into all the traps laid for +him. + +ERA. Is all that possible? + +SBRI. Perfectly true, and I am skilled in the knowledge of men. + +NER. (_pointing to_ SBRIGANI). This is a famous man, Madam; and +your affair could not be trusted to better hands. He is the hero of +the age, for the wonders he has performed. A man who, twenty times in +his life, has generously braved the galleys to serve his friends; +who, at the peril of his arms and shoulders, [Footnote: Compare the +"royal cautery" in 'The Flying Doctor'] knows how to bring to a +successful issue the most difficult enterprises; and who is, in +short, banished from his country for I don't know how many honourable +actions he has generously engaged in. + +SBRI. I am ashamed to hear the praises with which you honour me, and +I could most justly extol the marvellous things you did in your life; +I could particularly speak of the glory you acquired when you cheated +at play that young nobleman we brought to your house, and won twelve +thousand crowns from him; when you handsomely made that false +contract which ruined a whole family; when with such greatness of +soul you denied all knowledge of the deposit which had been entrusted +to you, and so generously gave evidence which hung two innocent +people. + +NER. These are trifles not worth mentioning, and your praises make me +blush. + +SBRI. Then I will spare your modesty. Let us leave that aside, and +speak of our business. To begin with, I will quickly rejoin our +countryman, while you, on your side, will see that all the other +actors in the comedy are kept in readiness. + +ERA. And you, Madam, pray remember your part, that in order to +conceal our aim the better, you are to affect to be quite perfectly +delighted with your father's resolutions. + +JUL. If it only depends on that, things will be sure to succeed. + +ERA. But, dear Julia, if everything were to fail? + +JUL. I will declare my real inclinations to my father. + +ERA. And if he persists in his designs in spite of your inclinations? + +JUL. I will threaten to shut myself up in a convent. + +ERA. But if, notwithstanding all that, he wished to force you to this +marriage? + +JUL. Why, what would you have me say? + +ERA. What do I want you to say? + +JUL. Yes. + +ERA. What is said when one loves truly? + +JUL. But what? + + ERA. That nothing shall force you; that in spite of all your father +can do, you promise to be mine. + +JUL. Ah me! Eraste, be satisfied with what I do now, and leave the +future alone. Do not perplex me in my duty, by speaking of sad +expedients to which we may not be obliged to have recourse. Allow me +to be led by the course of events. + +ERA. Will.... + +SBRI. Sir, here is our man. Be careful. + +NER. Ah! what a guy! [Footnote: Sbrigani and Nerine are merely the +conventional rogues of the stage. Compare Mascarille, Scapin.] + + + + +SCENE V.--MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC, SBRIGANI. + +MR. POUR. (_turning to the side he came from, and speaking to the +people who are following him_). Well, what is it? What is the +matter? What do you want? Deuce take this stupid town, and the people +who live in it! Nobody can walk a step without meeting a lot of asses +staring and laughing like fools at one. You boobies, mind your +business; and let folk pass without grinning in their faces. Deuce +take me if I don't knock down the first man I see laughing. + +SBRI. (_speaking to the same people_). What are you about? What +is the meaning of such conduct? What is it you want? Is it right to +make fun like that of strangers who come here? + +MR. POUR. Here is a man of sense at last. + +SBRI. What manners! And what is there to laugh at? + +MR. POUR. Quite right. + +SBRI. Is there anything ridiculous in this gentleman? + +MR. POUR. I ask you? + +SBRI. Is he not like other people? + +MR. POUR. Am I crooked or hunchbacked? + +SBRI. Learn to distinguish people. + +MR. POUR. Well said. + +SBRI. This gentleman's qualities call for your respect. + +MR. POUR. Perfectly true. + +SBRI. He is a person of quality. + +MR. POUR. Yes, a gentleman from Limoges. + +SBRI. A man of intelligence. + +MR. POUR. Who has studied the law. [Footnote: Compare act ii. scene +xii.] + +SBRI. He does you too much honour in coming to this town. + +MR. POUR. Ay, indeed. + +SBRI. This gentleman has nothing in him that can make you laugh. + +MR. POUR. Certainly not. + +SBRI. And the first who laughs at him, I will call to account. + +MR. POUR. (_to_ SBRIGANI). Sir, I am extremely, obliged to you. + +SBRI. I am sorry, Sir, to see a person like you received after such a +fashion. + +MR. POUR. Your servant, Sir. + +SBRI. I saw you breakfasting this morning, Sir, with the other +passengers; and the grace with which you ate created in me at once a +great friendship for you; and as I know that you have never been here +before, and that you are a perfect stranger, I am glad I met you, to +offer you my services at your arrival, and to assist you among these +people, who do not always behave to strangers of quality as they +should. + +MR. POUR. You are really very kind. + +SBRI. I have told you already; the moment I saw you, I felt an +inclination for you. + +MR. POUR. I am greatly obliged to you. + +SBRI. Your countenance pleased me. + +MR. POUR. You do me much honour. + +SBRI. I read honesty in it. + +MR. POUR. I am your servant + +SBRI. Something amiable. + +MR. POUR. Ah! ah! + +SBRI. Graceful. + +MR. POUR. Ah! ah! + +SBRI. Sweet. + +MR. POUR. Ah! ah! + +SBRI. Majestic. + +MR. POUR. Ah! ah! + +SBRI. Frank. + +MR. POUR. Ah! ah! + +SBRI. And cordial. + +MR. POUR. Ah! ah! + +SBRI. Believe that I am entirely yours. + +MR. POUR. I am greatly obliged to you. + +SBRI. I speak from the bottom of my heart. + +MR. POUR. I believe you. + +SBRI. If I had the honour of being known to you, you would find that +I am altogether sincere. + +MR. POUR. I do not doubt it. + +SBRI. An enemy to deceit. + +MR. POUR. I feel sure of it. + +SBRI. And that I am incapable of disguising my thoughts. + +MR. POUR. It is exactly what I think. + +SBRI. You look at my dress, which is not like that of other people; +but I came originally from Naples, at your service; and I always like +to keep up the way of dressing as well as the sincerity of my +country. [Footnote: The Neapolitans had no great reputation for +sincerity.] + +MR. POUR. You are quite right. For my part, I was desirous of +appearing in the court dress for the country. [Footnote: _Mode de +la cour pour la campagne_.] + +SBRI. Truly, it becomes you better than it does all our courtiers. + +MR. POUR. Exactly what my tailor told me. The coat is suitable and +rich; it will tell here among these people. + +SBRI. You will go to the Louvre, no doubt? + +MR. POUR. Yes; I must go and pay my court. + +SBRI. The king will be charmed to see you. + +MR. POUR. I believe so. + +SBRI. Have you fixed upon rooms? + +MR. POUR. No; I was going to look for some. + +SBRI. I shall be very glad to go with you; I know all this city well. + + SCENE VI.--ERASTE, MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC, SBRIGANI. + +ERA. Ah, who is this? What do I see? What a happy meeting! Mr. +de Pourceaugnac! How delighted I am to see you! What! anyone +would think that you find it difficult to remember me! + +MR. POUR. Sir, I am your servant. + +ERA. Is it possible that five or six years can have made you forget +me? Do you not remember the best friend of the de Pourceaugnacs? + +MR. POUR. Yes, yes. (_Aside to_ SBRIGANI) Deuce take me if I +know who he is. + +ERA. There is not one of the de Pourceaugnacs of Limoges that I do +not know, from the greatest to the smallest; I visited only them +during my stay there, and I had the honour of seeing you every day. + +MR. POUR. The honour was mine, Sir. + +ERA. You do not remember my face? + +MR. POUR. Yes, yes. (_To_ SBRIGANI) I don't know him a bit. + +ERA. You do not remember that I had the pleasure of drinking with you +I don't know how many times? + +MR. POUR. Excuse me. (_To_ SBRIGANI) I don't know anything about +it. + +ERA. What is the name of that pastrycook who cooks such capital +dinners? + +MR. POUR. Petit-Jean. + +ERA. Just so. We used often to go there together to enjoy ourselves. +How do you call that place where people go for a walk? + +MR. POUR. The cemetery of the Arenes. + +ERA. Exactly. It is there I enjoyed so many happy hours of your +pleasant talk. Don't you remember it all now? + +MR. POUR. Pardon me; yes, I remember. (_To_ SBRIGANI) Deuce take +me if I do. + +SBRI. (_aside to_ MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC). There are a hundred +things like that which one is apt to forget altogether. + +ERA. Let us embrace, I pray, and renew our former friendship. + +SBRI. (_to_ MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC). This man seems to have a great +affection for you. + +ERA. Tell me some news of all the family. How is that gentleman +your ... he who is such an honest man? + +MR. POUR. My brother the sheriff? [Footnote: _Consul_ in the +south equalled _echevin_ in the north. Both words are obsolete +in this sense.] + +ERA. Yes. + +MR. POUR. He is as well as can be. + +ERA. I am delighted to hear it. And that good tempered man? You know, +your.... + +MR. POUR. My cousin, the assessor? + +ERA. Exactly. + +MR. POUR. Always gay and hearty. + +ERA. It gives me much pleasure to hear it. And your uncle, the.... + +MR. POUR. I have no uncle. + +ERA. But you had one in those days? + +MR. POUR. No; only an aunt.... + +ERA. Ah! it's what I meant; your aunt; Mrs.... How is she? + +MR. POUR. She died six months ago. + +ERA. Alas! poor woman. She was so good, too! + +MR. POUR. We have also my nephew, the canon, who almost died of the +smallpox. + +ERA. What a pity if it had happened! + +MR. POUR. Do you know him also? + +ERA. Indeed I do; a tall handsome fellow. + +MR. POUR. Not so very tall. + +ERA. No; but well-shaped. + +MR. POUR. Yes, yes. + +ERA. He's your nephew, isn't he? + +MR. POUR. Yes. + +ERA. Son of your brother or your sister? + +MR. POUR. True. + +ERA. A canon of the church of.... How do you call it? + +MR. POUR. Saint Stephen. + +ERA. Just so; I don't know any other. + +MR. POUR. (_to_ SBRIGANI). He knows all my relations. + +SBRI. He knows you better than you think. + +MR. POUR. You must have lived a long time in our town, I see. + +ERA. Two whole years. + +MR. POUR. You were there, then, when our governor was godfather to my +cousin the assessor's child? + +ERA. To be sure; I was one of the first invited. + +MR. POUR. The thing was well done. + +ERA. Very. + +MR. POUR. The dinner was well got up. + +ERA. Yes, indeed. + +MR. POUR. Then you must remember the quarrel I had with that +gentleman from Perigord. + +ERA. Yes. + +MR. POUR. He met with his match, eh? + +ERA. Ah! ah! + +MR. POUR. He slapped my face; but I paid him back handsomely. + +ERA. Very handsomely, By the bye, I shall not allow you to go to any +other house but mine. + +MR. POUR. I would not.... + +ERA. Nonsense! I will not allow one of my best friends to go anywhere +but to my house. + +MR. POUR. It would be disturb.... + +ERA. No; deuce take it all. You shall stay with me. + +SBRI. (_to_ MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC). Since he will have it so, I +advise you to accept. + +ERA. Where is your luggage? + +MR. POUR. With my servant, where we stopped. + +ERA. Send somebody to fetch it. + +MR. POUR. No. I forbade him to let it go out of his sight, for fear +of swindlers. + +SBRI. You did quite right. + +MR. POUR. It is good to be cautious in this place. + +ERA. We always know a man of sense. + +SBRI. I will accompany this gentleman, and bring him back where you +wish. + +ERA. Do so. I have a few orders to give; but you only need come to +that house yonder. + +SBRI. We will come back presently. + +ERA. (_to_ MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC). I shall expect you with great +impatience. + +MR. POUR. (_to_ SBRIGANI). I find an acquaintance when I little +expected to meet with one. + +SBRI. He looks like an honest man. (_Exeunt._) + +ERA. (_alone_). Ah! ah! Mr. de Pourceaugnac, you will get it +hot! Everything is ready, and I have only to give the word. Soho! +there. + + + + +SCENE VII.--ERASTE, AN APOTHECARY. + +ERA. I think, Sir, that you are the doctor to whom somebody went to +speak in my name. + +APO. No, Sir. I am not the doctor; such an honour does not belong to +me. I am only an unworthy apothecary; at your service. + +ERA. Is the doctor at home, then. + +APO. Yes; he is in there, trying to get rid quickly of some patients. +I will tell him that you are here. + +ERA. No; you need not disturb him; I will wait till he has done. I +have to entrust to his care a certain relation of mine he was told +about today. He is attacked with a sort of madness that we should +like to see cured before we marry him to anyone. + +APO. I know; I know all about it. I was there when he was told of +this affair. Upon my word, Sir; upon my word, you could not apply to +a more skilful doctor. He is a man who understands medicine +thoroughly, as well as I do my A B C; [Footnote: _Ma croix de par +Dieu_, "my Christ-cross-row," or "Criss-cross-row," in old and +provincial English.] and who, were you to die for it, would not abate +one iota of the rules of the ancients. Yes, he always follows the +high-road--the high-road, Sir, and doesn't spend his time finding out +mares' nests. For all the gold in the world he would not cure anybody +with other medicines than those prescribed by the faculty. + +ERA. He is quite right. A patient should not wish to be cured unless +the faculty consents to it. + +APO. It is not because we are great friends that I speak so of him; +but it is a pleasure to be his patient, and I had rather die by his +medicines than be cured with those of another. For, whatever may +happen, we know for certain that things are always in due order; and +should we die under his care, our heirs have nothing to reproach us +with. + +ERA. A great comfort to a dead man. + +APO. Certainly; it is pleasant to have died according to rules. +Moreover, he is not one of those doctors who let a disease off. He is +an expeditious man--expeditious, Sir, who likes to clear off his +patients; and when they are to die, the thing is done in no time. + +ERA. There is, to be sure, nothing like going through the business +quickly. + +APO. Indeed, what is the use of haggling over the matter, and beating +so long about the bush? One should know offhand the long and short of +an illness. + +ERA. You are quite right. + +APO. Why, he did me the honour of taking care of three of my +children; they died in less than four days, whereas with another they +would have lingered for more than three months. + +ERA. It is a blessing to have friends like these. + +APO. Decidedly. I have still two children left, of whom he takes care +as if they were his own; he attends them, and physics them as he +pleases, without my interfering in the least; and very frequently on +my return from the city, I am quite surprised to find that they have +been bled or purged by his direction. + +ERA. This is kind care indeed! + +APO. Here he is, here he is; here he is coming. + + + + +SCENE VIII.--ERASTE, 1ST PHYSICIAN, APOTHECARY, COUNTRYMAN, +COUNTRYWOMAN. + +C. MAN. Sir, he can hold out no longer; he says he feels the greatest +pains imaginable in his head. + +1ST PHY. The patient is a fool; for in the disease by which he is +attacked it is not his head, according to Galen, but the spleen, +which must give pain. + +C. MAN. However this may be, Sir, he has had for the last six months +a laxity with it. + +1ST PHY. That's right. It is a sign that his body is clearing. I will +go and see him in two or three days; but if he dies before, mind you +do not forget to give me notice, for it is not proper that a doctor +should go to visit a dead man. + +C. WOM. (_to_ PHYSICIAN). My father, Sir, is getting worse and +worse. + +1ST PHY. It is no fault of mine; I send him remedies; why does he not +get better? How many times has he been bled? + +C. WOM. Fifteen times, Sir, in twenty days. + +1ST PHY. Fifteen times? + +C. WOM. Yes. + +1ST PHY. And he does not get better? + +C. WOM. No, Sir. + +PHY. It is a sign that the seat of the malady is not in the blood. He +must be purged as many times, to see if it is in the humours; and if +this does not succeed, we will send him to the bath. + +APO. This is the _beau-ideal_ of physic. + + + + +SCENE IX.--ERASTE, 1ST PHYSICIAN, APOTHECARY. + +ERA. (_to the_ PHYSICIAN). It was I, Sir, who sent to you few +days ago about a relation of mine who is not quite right in his mind; +and I want him to live in your house, as it would be more convenient +for you to attend to him, and to prevent him from being seen by too +many people. + +1ST PHY. Yes, Sir, I have got everything ready; and I will take the +utmost care of him. + +ERA. Here he is. + +1ST PHY. That is most fortunate; for I have with me just now an old +physician, a friend of mine, with whom I should be glad to consult +concerning this disorder. + + + +SCENE X.--MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC, ERASTE, 1ST PHYSICIAN, APOTHECARY. + +ERA. (_to_ MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC). I am obliged to leave you a +moment for a little affair which requires my presence; (_showing +the_ PHYSICIAN) but this person, in whose hands I leave you, will +do for you all he possibly can. + +1ST PHY. I am bound by my profession to do so; and it is enough that +you should lay this duty upon me. + +MR. POUR. (_aside_). It is his steward, no doubt; he must be a +man of quality. + +1ST PHY. (_to_ ERASTE). Yes, Sir; I assure you that I shall +treat this gentleman methodically, and in strict accordance with the +rules of our art. + +MR. POUR. Indeed, I do not ask for so much ceremony; and I have not +come here to trouble you so. + +1ST PHY. Such a duty is a pleasure to me. + +ERA. (_to_ 1ST PHYSICIAN). Nevertheless, here are ten pistoles +beforehand, as an earnest of what I have promised you. + +MR. POUR. No, if you please; I won't hear of your spending anything +on my account, nor do I wish you to send for anything particular for +me. + +ERA. Ah, pray, do not trouble yourself; it is not for that you +imagine. + +MR. POUR. I beg of you to treat me only as a friend. + +ERA. It is exactly what I mean to do. (_Aside to the_ PHYSICIAN) +I particularly recommend you not to let him slip out of your hands, +for at times he tries to escape. + +1ST PHY. You need not fear. + +ERA. (_to_ MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC). Pray excuse the incivility I +commit. + +MR. POUR. Don't mention it. You are really too kind. + + + + +SCENE XI.--MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC, 1ST PHYSICIAN, 2ND PHYSICIAN, +APOTHECARY. + +1ST PHY. It is a great honour to me to be chosen to do you a service. + +MR. POUR. I am your servant. + +1ST PHY. Here is a clever man, one of my brethren, with whom I will +consult concerning the manner of our treating you. + +MR. POUR. There is no need of so much ceremony, I tell you; I am +easily satisfied. + +1ST PHY. Bring some seats. (_Servants come in and place +chairs._) + +MR. POUR. (_aside_). These servants are rather dismal for a +young man. + +1ST PHY. Now, Sir; take a seat, Sir. (_The two_ PHYSICIANS +_make_ MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC _sit between them_.) + +MR. POUR. (_seated_). Your very humble servant. (_Each_ +PHYSICIAN _takes one of his hands, and feels his pulse._) What +are you about? + +1ST PHY. Do you eat well, Sir? + +MR. POUR. Yes; and drink still better. + +1ST PHY. So much the worse! That great craving for cold and wet is a +sign of the heat and aridity that is within. Do you sleep well? + +MR. POUR. Yes; when I have made a hearty supper. + +1ST PHY. Do you dream much? + +MR. POUR. Now and then. + +1ST PHY. Of what nature are your dreams? + +MR. POUR. Of the nature of dreams. What the deuce is the meaning of +this conversation? + +1ST PHY. Have a little patience. We will reason upon your affair in +your presence; and we will do it in the vulgar tongue, so that you +may understand better. + +MR. POUR. What great reasoning is there wanted to eat a mouthful? + +1ST PHY. Since it is a fact that we cannot cure any disease without +first knowing it perfectly, and that we cannot know it perfectly +without first establishing its exact nature and its true species by +its diagnosis and prognosis, you will give me leave, you, my senior, +to enter upon the consideration of the disease that is in question, +before we think of the therapeutics and the remedies that we must +decide upon in order to effect a perfect cure. I say then, Sir, if +you will allow me, that our patient here present is unhappily +attacked, affected, possessed, and disordered by that kind of madness +which we properly name hypochondriac melancholy; a very trying kind +of madness, and which requires no less than an Aesculapius deeply +versed in our art like you; you, I say, who have become grey in +harness, as the saying hath it; and through whose hands so much +business of all sorts has passed. I call it hypochondriac melancholy, +to distinguish it from the other two; for the celebrated Galen +establishes and decides in a most learned manner, as is usual with +him, that there are three species of the disease which we call +melancholy, so called, not only by the Latins, but also by the +Greeks; which in this case is worthy of remark: the first, which +arises from a direct disease of the brain; the second, which proceeds +from the whole of the blood, made and rendered atrabilious; and the +third, termed hypochondriac, which is our case here, and which +proceeds from some lower part of the abdomen; and from the inferior +regions, but particularly the spleen; the heat and inflammation +whereof sends up to the brain of our patient abundance of thick and +foul fuliginosities; of which the black and gross vapours cause +deterioration to the functions of the principal faculty, and cause +the disease by which he is manifestly accused and convicted. In proof +of what I say, and as an incontestable diagnostic of it, you need +only consider that great seriousness, that sadness, accompanied by +signs of fearfulness and suspicion--pathognomonic and particular +symptoms of this disease, so well defined by the divine ancient +Hippocrates; that countenance, those red and staring eyes, that long +beard, that habit of body, thin, emaciated, black, and hairy--signs +denoting him greatly affected by the disease proceeding from a defect +in the hypochondria; which disease, by lapse of time, being +naturalised, chronic, habitual, ingrained, and established within +him, might well degenerate either into monomania, or into phthisis, +or into apoplexy, or even into downright frenzy and raving. All this +being taken for granted, since a disease well-known is a disease half +cured, for _ignoti nulla est curatio morbis_, it will not be +difficult for you to conclude what are the remedies needed by our +patient. First of all, to remedy this obdurate plethora, and this +luxuriant cacochymy throughout the body, I opine that he should be +freely phlebotomised; by which I mean that there should be frequent +and abundant bleedings, first in the basilic vein, then in the +cephalic vein; and if the disease be obstinate, that even the vein of +the forehead should be opened, and that the orifice be large, so that +the thick blood may issue out; and, at the same time, that he should +be purged, deobstructed, and evacuated by fit and suitable +purgatives, i.e. by chologues and melanogogues. And as the real +source of all this mischief is either a foul and feculent humour or a +black and gross vapour, which obscures, empoisons, and contaminates +the animal spirits, it is proper afterwards that he should have a +bath of pure and clean water, with abundance of whey; to purify, by +the water, the feculency of the foul humour, and by the whey to +clarify the blackness of the vapour. But, before all things, I think +it desirable to enliven him by pleasant conversations, by vocal and +instrumental music, to which it will not be amiss to add dancers, +that their movements, figures, and agility may stir up and awaken the +sluggishness of his spirits, which occasions the thickness of his +blood from whence the disease proceeds. These are the remedies I +propose, to which may be added many better ones by you, Sir, my +master and senior, according to the experience, judgment, knowledge +and sufficiency that you have acquired in our art. _Dixi_. + +2ND PHY. Heaven forbid, Sir, that it should enter my thoughts to add +anything to what you have just been saying! You have discoursed too +well on all the signs, symptoms, and causes of this gentleman's +disease. The arguments you have used are so learned and so delicate +that it is impossible for him not to be mad and hypochondriacally +melancholic; or, were he not, that he ought to become so, because of +the beauty of the things you have spoken, and of the justness of your +reasoning. Yes, Sir, you have graphically depicted, _graphice +depinxisti_, everything that appertains to this disease. Nothing +can be more learnedly, judiciously, and ingeniously conceived, +thought, imagined, than what you have delivered on the subject of +this disease, either as regards the diagnostic, the prognostic, or +the therapeutic; and nothing remains for me to do but to congratulate +this gentleman upon falling into your hands, and to tell him that he +is but too fortunate to be mad, in order to experience the gentle +efficacy of the remedies you have so judiciously proposed. I approve +them in toto, _manibus et pedibus descendo in tuam sententiam_. +All I should like to add is to let all his bleedings and purgings be +of an odd number, _numero deus impare gaudet_, to take the whey +before the bath, and to make him a forehead plaster, in the +composition of which there should be salt--salt is a symbol of +wisdom; to whitewash the walls of his room, to dissipate the +gloominess of his mind; _album est disgregativum visas_; and to +give him a little injection immediately, to serve as a prelude and +introduction to those judicious remedies, from which, if he is +curable, he must receive relief. Heaven grant that these remedies, +which are yours, Sir, may succeed with the patient according to our +wish! + +MR. POUR. Gentlemen, I have been listening to you for the last hour. +Are we acting a comedy here? + +1ST PHY. No, Sir; we are not acting a comedy. + +MR. POUR. What does it all mean? What are you about with this +gibberish and nonsense of yours? + +1ST PHY. Ah! Insulting language! A diagnostic which was wanting for +the confirmation of his disease. This may turn to mania. + +MR. POUR. (_aside_). With what kind of people have they left me +here. (_He spits two or three times._) + +1ST PHY. Another diagnostic: frequent expectoration. + +MR. POUR. Let us cease all this, and go away. + +1ST PHY. Another: anxiety to move about. + +MR. POUR. What is the meaning of all this business? What do you want +with me? + +1ST PHY. To cure you, according to the order we have received. + +MR. POUR. Cure me? + +1ST PRY. Yes. + +MR. POUR. S'death! I am not ill. + +1ST PHY. It is a bad sign when a patient does not feel his illness. + +MR. POUR. I tell you that I am quite well. + +1ST PRY. We know better than you how you are; we are physicians who +see plainly into your constitution. + +MR. POUR. If you are physicians, I have nothing to do with you; and I +snap my fingers at all your physic. + +1ST PRY. H'm! h'm! This man is madder than we thought. + +MR. POUR. My father and mother would never have anything to do with +remedies; and they both died without the help of doctors. + +1ST PHY. I do not wonder if they have begotten a son who is mad. +(_To the_ 2ND PHYSICIAN) Come, let us begin the cure; and, +through the exhilarating sweetness of harmony, let us dulcify, +lenify, and pacify the acrimony of his spirits, which, I see, are +ready to be inflamed. (_Exeunt_.) + + + + +SCENE XII.--MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC (_alone_). + +What the devil is all this? Are the people of this place crazy? I +never saw anything like it; and I don't understand it a bit. + + + + +SCENE XIII.--MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC, TWO PHYSICIANS (_in grotesque +clothes_). + +(_They all three at first sit down; the PHYSICIANS rise up at +different times to bow to MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC, Who rises up as often +to bow to them in return_.) + +THE TWO PHYSICIANS. + Buon di, buon di, buon di! + Non vi lasciate uccidere + Dal dolor malinconico. + Noi vi faremo ridere + Col nostro canto armonico; + Sol per guarirvi. + Siamo venuti qui. + Buon di, buon di, buon di! + +1ST PHYSICIAN. + Altro non e la pazzia + Che malinconia. + Il malato + Non e disperato + Se vol pigliar un poco d'allegria, + Altro non e la pazzia + Che malinconia. + +2ND PHYSICIAN. + Su; cantate, ballate, ridete. + E, se far meglio volete, + Quando sentite il deliro vicino + Pigliate del vino, + E qualche volta un poco di tabac. + Allegramente, Monsu Pourceaugnac. + +[Translation:] + +THE TWO PHYSICIANS. + Good day, good day, good day! + Yield not yourself a prey + To melancholy sway. + We'll make you laugh, I trow, + With songs harmonious, gay. + Unto us your cure is dear, + For that alone we're here. + Good day, good day, good day! + +1ST PHYSICIAN. + Nought else is madness true + Save melancholy blue. + Not lost is he, + Though sick he be, + Who sips of mirth the dew. + Nought else is madness true + Save melancholy blue. + +2ND PHYSICIAN. + Up then! sing loud, and dance and play, + "Better still I'd do!" you say. + Delirium's nigh--if you must pine, + Take first some wine; + And sometimes, too, take your tabac + Right joyfully, Monsu Pourceaugnac. + + + + +SCENE XIV.--BALLET. + + + + +SCENE XV.--MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC, AN APOTHECARY. + +APO. Sir, here is a little remedy; a little remedy which you must +take, if you please; if you please. + +MR. POUR. How? I have no occasion for anything of the kind. + +APO. It was ordered, Sir; it was ordered. + +MR. POUR. Ah! What noise and bother. + +APO. Take it, Sir; take it, Sir. It will do you no harm; it will do +you no harm, &c. + +(MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC _runs away, the_ APOTHECARY, _&c. after +him_.) + + + + +SCENE XVI.--MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC, AN APOTHECARY, TWO PHYSICIANS (_in +grotesque clothes_). + +THE TWO PHYSICIANS. + Piglialo su, + Signor Monsu; + Piglialo, piglialo, piglialo su, + Che non ti fara, male, &c. + +[Translation:] +Take it, take it. Sir; it will do you no harm, &c. + + + + +ACT II. + +SCENE I.--1ST PHYSICIAN, SBRIGANI. + + +1ST PHY. He has forced through every obstacle I had placed to hinder +him, and has fled from the remedies I was beginning to prepare for +him. + +SBRI. To avoid remedies so salutary as yours is to be a great enemy +to oneself. + +1ST PHY. It is the mark of a disturbed brain and of a depraved reason +to be unwilling to be cured. + +SBRI. You would have cured him, for certain, in no time. + +1ST PHY. Certainly; though there had been the complication of a dozen +diseases. + +SBRI. With all that he makes you lose those fifty well-earned +pistoles. + +1ST PHY. I have no intention of losing them; and I am determined to +cure him in spite of himself. He is bound and engaged to take my +remedies; and I will have him seized, wherever I can find him, as a +deserter from physic and an infringer of my prescriptions. + +SBRI. You are right. Your medicines were sure of their effect; and it +is so much money he takes from you. + +1ST PHY. Where could I find him? + +SBRI. No doubt, at the house of that goodman Oronte, whose daughter +he comes to marry; and who, knowing nothing of the infirmity of his +future son-in-law, will perhaps be in a hurry to conclude the +marriage. + +1ST PHY. I will go and speak to him at once. + +SBRI. You should, in justice to yourself. + +1ST PHY. He is in need of my consultations; and a patient must not +make a fool of his doctor. + +SBRI. That is well said; and, if I were you, I would not suffer him +to marry till you have physicked him to your heart's content. + +1ST PHY. Leave that to me. + +SBRI. (_aside, and going_). For my part, I will bring another +battery into play; for the father-in-law is as much of a dupe as the +son-in-law. + + + + +SCENE II.--ORONTE, 1ST PHYSICIAN. + +1ST PHY. A certain gentleman, Sir, a Mr. de Pourceaugnac, is to marry +your daughter; is he not? + +ORO. Yes; I expect him from Limoges, and he ought to have been here +before now. + +1ST PHY. And he has come; he has run away from my house, after having +been placed under my care; but I forbid you, in the name of the +faculty, to proceed with the marriage you have decided upon, before I +have duly prepared him for it, and put him in a state to have +children well-conditioned both in mind and body. + +ORO. What is it you mean? + +1ST PHY. Your intended son-in-law was entered as my patient. His +disease which was given me to cure is a chattel which belongs to me, +and which I reckon among my possessions. I therefore declare to you +that I will not allow him to marry before he has rendered due +satisfaction to the faculty, and submitted to the remedies which I +have ordered for him. + +ORO. He is suffering from some disease? + +1ST PHY. Yes. + +ORO. And from what disease, if you please? + +1ST PHY. Don't trouble yourself about that. + +ORO. Is it some disease....? + +1ST PHY. Doctors are bound to keep things secret. Let it suffice you +that I enjoin both you and your daughter not to celebrate the wedding +without my consent, upon pain of incurring the displeasure of the +faculty, and of undergoing all the diseases which we choose to lay +upon you. + +ORO. If that is the case, I shall take good care to put a stop to the +marriage. + +1ST PHY. He was entrusted to me, and he is bound to be my patient. + +ORO. Very well. + +1ST PHY. It is in vain for him to run away; I will have him sentenced +to be cured by me. + +ORO. I am very willing. + +1ST PHY. Yes; he must either die or be cured by me. + +ORO. I consent to it. + +1ST PHY. And if I cannot find him, I will make you answerable, and +cure you instead of him. + +ORO. I am in very good health. + +1ST PHY. No matter. I must have a patient, and I will take anyone I +can. + +ORO. Take whom you will, but it shall not be me. (_Alone_) Did +you ever hear of such a thing! + + + + +SCENE III.--ORONTE, SBRIGANI _as a Flemish merchant_. + +SBRI. Sir, py your leafe, I pe one voreign marchant, and vould like +ask you one littel news. + +ORO. What, Sir? + +SBRI. Put you de hat on de head, Sir, if you pleace. + +ORO. Tell me. Sir, what you want. + +SBRI. I tell nozink, Sir, if you not put de hat on de head. + +ORO. Very well, then, what is it, Sir? + +SBRI. You not know in dis town one Mister Oronte? + +ORO. Yes, I know him. + +SBRI. And vat for one man is he, Sir, if you pleace? + +ORO. He is like any other man. + +SBRI. I ask you, Sir, if he one man of money is? + +ORO. Yes. + +SBRI. But very mooch rich, Sir? + +ORO. Yes. + +SBRI. It does me mooch pleasure, Sir. + +ORO. But why should it? + +SERI. It is, Sir, for one littel great reason for us. + +ORO. But why? + +SBRI. It is, Sir, dat dis Mr. Oronte his tauchter in marriage to a +certain Mr. Pourgnac gifes. + +ORO. Well! + +SBRI. And dis Mr. Pourgnac, Sir, is one man vat owes mooch golt to +ten or twelf Flemish marchants vat come here. + +ORO. This Mr. de Pourceaugnac owes a great deal to ten or twelve +merchants? + +SBRI. Yes, Sir; and for de last eight months ve hafe obtain one +littel judgment against him, and he put off all de credeetors till +dis marriage vat Mr. Oronte gifes to his tauchter. + +ORO. Ho! ho! So he puts off paying his creditors till then? + +SBRI. Yes, Sir; and vid great defotion ve all wait for dis marriage. + +ORO. The idea is not bad. (_Aloud_) I wish you good day. + +SBRI. I tank de gentleman for de favour great. + +ORO. Your very humble servant. + +SBRI. I pe, Sir, more great obliged don all py de goot news vat the +Mister gife me. (_Alone, after having taken off his beard, and +taken off the Flemish dress which he has put over his_) Things +don't go badly. All is going on swimmingly. I must throw off this +disguise and think of something else. We will put so much suspicion +between the father-in-law and his son-in-law that the intended +marriage must come to nothing. They are both equally fit to swallow +the baits that are laid for them, and it is mere child's play for us +great sharpers when we find such easy gulls. + + + + +SCENE IV.--MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC, SBRIGANI. + +MR. POUR. (_thinking himself alone_). _Piglialo su, piglialo +su, Signor Monsu_. What the deuce does it all mean? (_Seeing_ +SBRIGANI) Ah! + +SBRI. What is the matter, Sir? what ails you? + +MR. POUR. Everything I see seems injection. + +SBRI. How is that? + +MR. POUR. You can't think what has happened to me in that house where +you took me. + +SBRI. No! What has happened? + +MR. POUR. I thought I should be well feasted there. + +SBRI. Well? + + MR. POUR. I leave you in this gentleman's hands. Doctors dressed in +black. In a chair. Feel the pulse. In proof of what I say. He is mad. +Two big, fat-faced fellows, with large-brimmed hats. _Buon di, buon +di._ Six pantaloons. Ta, ra, ta, toi, ta, ra, ta, ta, toi. +_Allegramente, Monsu Pourceaugnac_, Take, Sir; take, take. It is +gentle, gentle, gentle. _Piglialo su, Signor Monsu; piglialo, +piglialo su_. I never was so surfeited with absurdities in all my +life. + +SBRI. What does it all mean? + +MR. POUR. It means, Sir, that this gentleman, with all his kissing +and hugging, is a deceitful rascal, who has sent me to that house to +play me some trick. + +SBRI. Is it possible? + +MR. POUR. It is, indeed. They were a dozen devils at my heels, and I +had all the difficulty in the world to escape out of their clutches. + +SBRI. Just fancy how deceitful people's looks are; I should have +taken him for the most affectionate friend you have. It is a wonder +to me how there can exist such rascals in the world. + +MR. POUR. My imagination is full of it all; and it seems to me that I +see everywhere a dozen injections threatening me. + +SBRI. This is really too bad! how treacherous and wicked people are! + +MR. POUR. Pray, tell me where Mr. Oronte lives. I should be glad to +go there at once. + +SBRI. Ah! ah! you are of a loving disposition, I see; and you have +heard that Mr. Oronte has a daughter? + +MR. POUR. Yes; I am come to marry her. + +SBRI. To ma ... to marry her? + +MR. POUR. Yes. + +SBRI. In wedlock? + +MR. POUR. How could it be otherwise? + +SBRI. Oh! it is another thing, and I beg your pardon. + +MR. POUR. What is it you mean? + +SBRI. Oh, nothing. + +MR. POUR. But, pray! + +SBRI. Nothing, I tell you. I spoke rather hastily. + +MR. POUR. I beg of you to tell me what it is. + +SBRI. No; it is not necessary. + +MR. POUR. Pray do. + +SBRI. No; I beg you to excuse me. + +MR. POUR. What! are you not one of my friends? + +SBRI. Yes, certainly; nobody more so. + +MR. POUR. Then you ought not to hide anything from me. + +SBRI. It is a thing in which a neighbour's honour is concerned. + +MR. POUR. That I may oblige you to treat me like a friend, here is a +small ring I beg of you to keep for my sake. + +SBRI. Let me consider a little if I can in conscience do it. (_Goes +away a small distance from_ MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC.) He is a man who +looks after his own interests, who tries to provide for his daughter +as advantageously as possible; and one should injure nobody. It is +true that these things are no secret; but I shall be telling them to +a man who knows nothing about it, and it is forbidden to talk scandal +of one's neighbour. All this is true. On the other hand, however, +here is a stranger they want to impose upon, who comes in all good +faith to marry a girl he knows nothing about, and whom be has never +seen. A gentleman all openheartedness, for whom I feel some +inclination, who does me the honour of reckoning me his friend, puts +his confidence in me, and gives me a ring to keep for his sake. +(_To_ MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC) Yes, I think that I can tell you how +things are without wounding my conscience. But I must try to tell it +all to you in the mildest way possible, and to spare people as much +as I can. If I were to tell you that this girl leads a bad life, it +would be going too far. I must find some milder term to explain +myself. The word coquette does not come up to the mark; that of +downright flirt seems to me to answer the purpose pretty well, and I +can make use of it to tell you honestly what she is. + +MR. POUR. They want to make a fool of me then? + +SBRI. But it may not be so bad as people think; and after all, there +are men who set themselves above such things, and who do not think +that their honour depends upon.... + +MR. POUR. I am your servant; I have no wish to adorn my person with +such a head-dress, and the Pourceaugnacs are accustomed to walk with +their heads free. + +SBRI. Here is the father. + +MR. POUR. Who? this old man? + +SBRI. Yes. Allow me to withdraw. + + + + +SCENE V.--ORONTE, MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC. + +MR. POUR. Good morning, Sir; good morning. + +ORO. Your servant, Sir; your servant. + +MR. POUR. You are Mr. Oronte; are you not? + +ORO. Yes. + +MR. POUR. And I, Mr. de Pourceaugnac. + +ORO. Ah, indeed! + +MR. POUR. Do you think, Mr. Oronte, that the people of Limoges are +fools? + +ORO. Do you think, Mr. de Pourceaugnac, that the people of Paris are +asses? + +MR. POUR. Do you imagine, Mr. Oronte, that a man like me can be dying +for a wife? + +ORO. Do you imagine, Mr. de Pourceaugnac, that a daughter like mine +can be dying for a husband? + + + + +SCENE VI.--MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC, JULIA, ORONTE. + +JUL. I have just been told, father, that Mr. de Pourceaugnac has +come. Ah, there he is, no doubt; my heart tells me so. How handsome +he is! How splendidly he holds himself. How pleased I am to have such +a husband! [Footnote: See act i, scene iv] Give me leave to kiss him +and to show him.... + +ORO. Softly, daughter, softly. + +MR. POUR. (_aside_). Heyday! At what a pace she goes, and how +she takes fire! + +ORO. I should very much like to know, Mr. de Pourceaugnac, for what +reason you.... + +JUL. (_approaches_ MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC, _looks at him with a +languishing look, and tries to take his hand_). How pleased I am +to see you! And how impatient I am to.... + +ORO. Hey! daughter, go away; will you? + +MR. POUR. (_aside_). What a free and easy young damsel! + +ORO. I should like to know what made you have the boldness to.... +(JULIA _continues as above_.) + +MR. POUR. (_aside_). By Jove! + +ORO. (_to_ JULIA). Again! What do you mean? + +JUL. May I not kiss the husband you have chosen for me? + +ORO. No; go in. + +JUL. Allow me to look at him. + +ORO. Go in, I tell you. + +JUL. I should like to stop here, if you please. + +ORO. I will not suffer it. If you do not go in immediately, I.... + +JUL. Very well then, I will go in. + +ORO. My daughter is a foolish girl who does not understand things. + +MR. POUR. (_aside_). How taken she is with me! + +ORO. (_to_ JULIA, _who has stopped_). You won't go. + +JUL. When will yon marry me to this gentleman? + +ORO. Never. You are not intended for him. + +JUL. I will have him, I will have him; you promised him to me. + +ORO. If I promised him to you, I take my promise back again. + +MR. POUR. (_aside_). She would fain eat me. + +JUL. Do what you will, we will be married in spite of everybody. + +ORO. I shall know how to prevent it, I forewarn you. What madness has +taken hold of her? + + + + +SCENE VII.--ORONTE, MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC. + +MR. POUR. I say, our intended father-in-law, don't give yourself so +much trouble; I have no intention of running away with your daughter; +and your pretence won't take at all. + +ORO. And yours will in no way succeed. + +MR. POUR. Did you think that Leonardo de Pourceaugnac is a man to buy +a pig in a poke, and that he has not the sense to find out what goes +on in the world, and to see if, in marrying, his honour is safe? + +ORO. I do not know what you mean; but did you take into your head +that a man of sixty-three years old has so little common sense, and +so little consideration for his daughter, as to marry her to a man +who has you know what, and who was put with a doctor to be cured? + +MR. POUR. This is a trick that was practised upon me, and there is +nothing the matter with me. + +ORO. The doctor told us so himself. + +MR. POUR. The doctor told a lie. I am a gentleman, and I will meet +him sword in hand. + +ORO. I know what I ought to believe, and you can no more impose upon +me in this matter than about the debts you are bound to pay on your +marriage day. + +MR. POUR. What debts? + +ORO. It is of no use to affect ignorance. I have seen the Flemish +merchant who with other creditors obtained a decision against you +eight months ago. + +MR. POUR. What Flemish merchant? What creditors? What decision +obtained against me? + +ORO. You know perfectly well what I mean. + + + + +SCENE VIII.--MR. DR POURCEAUGNAC, ORONTE, LUCETTE. + +LUC. (_pretending to be a woman from Languedoc_). [Footnote: +Somerset dialect is employed here.] Oh, yeu be yur, be'e! an' I've +avoun thee to las, arter all this yur traepsin' vurwurd an' backward. +Cans thee now, yeu rascal; cans leuk me in the fae-as? + +MR. POUR. What is it this woman wants? + +LUC. What do I want o' thee, yeu villun! Thee's mak wise neet to know +me, disn? an' thee disn turn rid nuther, eempodent oseburd that thee +art! What! thee witn turn colour vur to leuk me in the fae-as! +(_To_ ORONTE) I baent saaf, Maister, nif'tis yeu that they do +zay 'ee weeshth vur to marry wi' the darter o'? but 'owsomever I +zwear to yeu, I be the weiv o' un, an' that zeben yur agone when 'ee +was a travellin' drue Pezenas, he made out, we' 'iz falseness, that +'ee knowth zo wul 'ow vur act vur to come over my 'art, an' zo by one +way or tother vur to git me vur to gee unmy 'an vur to marry un. + +ORO. Oh! oh! + +LUC. The rascal lef me dree yur arterwurds, purtendin' that 'eed agot +some bizness vur to deu in 'iz own country, an' ivur sinz I 'ant +ayeard no news at all o' un; but when I wadn thinkin' nothin' 'tall +'bout 'ee, I yeard 'em say as 'ow 'ee was acomin' yur, into this yur +town, vur to be amarried agee'an wi' another young ummun, that her +father an' mother 'd apromised teu un athout knowin' nothin' 'ow that +'ee was amarried avore. Zo I starts toracly, an' I be acome yur to +this yur place so zeun's ivur I pausible keud, vur to staup this yur +wicked marridge, an' vur to show op, avore all the wurld, the very +wissest man that iver was. + +MR. POUR. What wonderful impudence! + +LUC. Eempurence! Baent yeu ashee'amd o' yurzul vur to mak sport o' +me, 'stid o' bein' abroke down wi' eenward feelins, that thee wicked +'art aurt vur to gee thee? + +MR. POUR. Do you mean to say that I am your husband? + +LUC. Villun! dis dare to zay tidn zo? Ah! thee's know wul 'nuf, wiss +luck to me, that tis all zo treu's the Gauspel; an' I weesh to Heben +twadn zo, an' that thee'ds alef me so eenocent an' so quiet like eens +I used to be, avore thy charms an' thy trumpery, bad luck, made me +vur to 'sake it all! I nivur sheudn abin abrought down vur to be the +pour weesh thing that I be now--vur to zee my man, cruel like, mak a +laughin' sport of all the love that I've a 'ad vorn, an' lef me +athout one beet o' pity, vur the mortal pain I've abeared, 'bout the +shee'amful way 'eev asard me. + +ORO. Really, I feel quite ready to weep. Go! you are a wicked man! + + + + +SCENE IX.--MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC, NERINE, LUCETTE, ORONTE. + +NER. (_pretending to be from Picardy_).[Footnote: Lowland Scotch +is employed here.] Oh! Aa can stand nowt more; aa'm rait winded! Ah! +good for nowt, thou's made me run well for it; thou'lt not 'scape me +now. Joostice! Joostice! Aa forbid the weddin. (_To_ ORONTE) +He's my ain man, Mast-ther, and as sh'd joost loik to ave him stroong +up, the precious hang-dog there. + +MR. POUR. Another! + +ORO. What a devil of a man! + +LUC. An' what be yeu a-tullin' o', wai yur vurbeedin' an' yur +'angin'? Thiki man's yo-ur uzban, is ur? + +NER. You're rait, Missis, an aa'm joost his woif. + +LUC. That's a lie then; 'tis me that's the rail weiv o' un; an eef +'ee ought vur to be a'anged, why 'tis me that ought vur to 'ave it +adeud. + +NER. Me; aa can mak nowt o' that soort o' talk. + +LUC. I do tul 'ee 'ow that I be 'is weiv. + +NER. His woif? + +LUC. Ees fie! + +NER. Aa tell ye once more, that it's me at's joost that. + +LUC. An' I vows an' declares as 'ow tez me, my own zul. + +NER. 'Twere fowr yeer agone 'at he wed me. + +LUC. An' me, tez zeben yur sinz 'e teuk me vur 'iz weiv. + +NER. Aa can proove aal 'at aa say. + +LUC. All my naibours knowth ut. + +NER. Owr town can well witness to it. + +LUC. All Pezenas zeed us amarried. + +NER. All Sin Quintin helpt at owr weddin'. + +LUC. Thur cant be nort more saafur. + +NER. Nowt can be more sartin. + +LUC. (_to_ MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC). Dis thee dare to zay ort gin +ut, yeu villun? + +NER. (_to_ MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC). Canst thou deny me, wicked man? + +MR. POUR. One is as true as the other. + +LUC. What eemperence! What, yeu rogue, yeu don't mind poor leedle +Franky an' poor leedle Jinny--they that be the outcomin's o' our +marridge? + +NER. Joost look, there's cheek! What! thou's forgot yon poor cheel, +owr little Maggy, 'at thou's lef me for a pledge o' thy faith? + +MR. POUR. What impudent jades! + +LUC. Yur Franky! Yur Jinny, come both o' ee, come both o' ee, come +an' mak yur bad rascal of a father own to 'ow ee've asard all o' us. + +NER. Coom hither, Maggy, maa cheel, coom heere quick, an' shame your +fayther of th' impudence 'at he's gotten. + + + + +SCENE X.--MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC, ORONTE, LUCETTE, NERINE, SEVERAL +CHILDREN. + +CHI. Fayther! fayther! fayther! + +MR. POUR. Deuce take the little brats! + +LUC. What yeu, villun, artn thee fit to drap, vur to tak to yur +chillurn arter jis farshin, an' to keep thee eyes vas, 'feerd thee +mids show lig a father teu 'em? Thee shetn git away vrom me, yeu +scaulus oseburd! I'll volly thee ivery place, and cry op thee +wickedness 'gin I've asard thee out, an' 'gin I've amade thee zwing. +Rascal, I sheud like vur to mak thee zwing vor't, an' that I sheud. + +NER. Wilt not bloosh to spaik yon words, an' to tak no thowt o'th +kissin' o' yon poor cheel? Thou'lt not get clear o' ma claws; aa can +tell thee! an spoit o' thy showin' thy teeth, aa'l mak thee know 'at +aa'm thy woif, an' aa'l mak thee hang for it. + +CHIL. Fayther! fayther! fayther! + +MR. POUR. Help! help! Where shall I run? + +ORO. Go; you will do right to have him punished, and he richly +deserves to be hanged. + + + + +SCENE XI.--SBRIGANI (_alone_). + +Everything has been done according to my wish, and is succeeding +admirably. We will so weary out our provincial that he will only be +too thankful to leave the place. + + + + +SCENE XII:--MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC, SBRIGANI. + +MR. POUR. Ah! I am murdered! What vexation! What a cursed town! +Assassinated everywhere! + +SBRI. What is it, Sir? Has anything new happened? + +MR. POUR. Yes; it rains doctors and women in this country. + +SBRI. How is that? + +MR. POUR. Two jabbering jades have just been accusing me of being +married to both of them, and have threatened me with justice. + +SBRI. This is a bad business, for in this country justice is terribly +rigorous against that sort of crime. + +MR. POUR. Yes; but even if there should be information, citation, +decree, and verdict obtained by surprise, default, and contumacy, I +have still the alternative of a conflict of jurisdiction to gain +time, and a resort to the means of nullity that will be found in the +court case. + +SBRI. The very terms, and it is easy to see that you are in the +profession, Sir. + +MR. POUR. I? Certainly not; I am a gentleman. [Footnote: Compare act +i. scene v.] + +SBRI. But to speak as you do, you must have studied the law. + +MR. POUR. Not at all. It is only common sense which tells me that I +shall always be admitted to be justified by facts, and that I could +not be condemned upon a simple accusation, without witnesses, +evidence, and confrontation with my adverse party. + +SBRI. This is more clever still. + +MR. POUR. These words come into my head without my knowledge. + +SBRI. It seems to me that the common sense of a gentleman may go so +far as to understand what belongs to right and the order of justice, +but not to know the very terms of chicane. + +MR. POUR. They are a few words I remember from reading novels. + +SBRI. Ah! I See. + +MR. POUR. To show you that I understand nothing of chicane, I beg of +you to take me to a lawyer to have advice upon this affair. + +SBRI. Willingly. I will take you to two very clever men; but, first, +I must tell you not to be surprised at their manner of speaking. They +have contracted at the bar a certain habit of declaiming which looks +like singing, and you would think all they tell you is nothing but +music. + +MR. POUR. It does not matter how they speak, as long as they tell me +what I wish to know! + + + + +SCENE XIII.--MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC, SBRIGANI, TWO LAWYERS, TWO +ATTORNEYS, TWO SERGEANTS. + +1ST LAWYER (_drawling out his words_). + Polygamy's a case, you find, + A case of hanging. + +2ND LAWYER (_singing and speaking very fast_). + Your deed + Is plain and clear, + And all the gear + Of wigs and law + Upon this flaw + One verdict bear. + Consult our authors, + Legislators and glossators, + Justinian, Papinian, + Ulpian and Tribonian, + Fernand, Rebuffe, Jean Imole, [*] + Paul Castro, Julian Barthole, [*] + Jason, Aloyat, and Cujas + That mighty mind! + Polygamy's a case, you'll find, + A case of hanging. +[* Footnote: The French forms have been retained for the sake of the +rhyme.] + +BALLET, _while the_ 2ND LAWYER _sings as before_. + + All nations civilised, + French, Dutch, and English, + Portuguese, Germans, Flemish, + Italians and Spanish, + By wisdom's sceptre swayed, + For this the self-same law have made. + The affair allows no doubt, + Polygamy's a case, + A case of hanging. + +(MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC, _irritated, drives them all away_.) + + + + +ACT III. + +SCENE I.--ERASTE, SBRIGANI. + + +SBRI. Yes; everything is succeeding splendidly; and as his knowledge +of things is very shallow, and his understanding of the poorest, I +put him in such a terrible fright at the severity of the law in this +country, and at the preparations which were already set on foot to +put him to death, [Footnote: Bigamists were really put to death.] +that he is determined to run away, and in order the better to escape +from the people who, I have told him, are placed at the city gates to +stop him, he has decided upon disguising himself as a woman. + +ERA. How I should like to see him dressed up in that way! + +SBRI. Take care you carry out the farce properly; and whilst I go +through my parts with him, you go and.... (_Whispers to him_.) +You understand, don't you? + +ERA. Yes. + +SBRI. And when I have taken him where I mean.... (_Whispers_.) + +ERA. All right. + +SBRI. And when the father has been forewarned by me.... +(_Whispers_.) + +ERA. Nothing could be better. + +SBRI. Here is our young lady. Go quickly; she must not see us +together. + + + + +SCENE II.--MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC (_as a lady_), SBRIGANI. + +SBRI. For my part, I don't think any one can know you, and you look +exactly like a lady of birth. + +MR. POUR. I am so astonished that in this province the forms of +justice should not be observed. + +SBRI. Yes; as I have already told you, they begin by hanging a man, +and try him afterwards. + +MR. POUR. What unjust justice! + +SBRI. It is devilishly severe, particularly on this kind of crime. + +MR. POUR. Still, when one is innocent? + +SBRI. Ah me! They care little for that, and, besides, they have here +a most intolerable hatred for the people of your province; and +nothing gives them more pleasure than to hang a man from Limoges. +[Footnote: Moliere seems to have had a grudge against Limoges. +Compare act i. scene i.] + +MR. POUR. What have the people from Limoges done to them? + +SBRI. How do I know? They are downright brutes, enemies to all the +gentility and merit of other cities. For my part, I am in the +greatest fear on your account, and I should never comfort myself if +you were hanged. + +MR. POUR. It is not so much the fear of death that urges me to fly as +the fact of being hanged, for it is a most degrading thing for a +gentleman, and would ruin one's title of nobility. + +SBRI. You are right; after such a thing they would contest your right +of bearing a title of nobility. [Footnote: Noblemen were beheaded.] +But, be careful, when I lead you by the hand, to walk like a woman, +and to assume the manners and the language of a lady of quality. + +MR. POUR. Leave that to me; I have seen people of high standing in +the world. The only thing that troubles me is that I have somewhat of +a beard. + +SBRI. Oh! it's not worth mentioning. There are many women who have as +much. Now, let us just see how you will behave yourself. (MR. DE +POURCEAUGNAC _mimics a lady of rank_.) Good. + +MR. POUR. Why, my carriage is not here! Where is my carriage? +Gracious me! how wretched to have such attendants! Shall I have to +wait all day in the street? Will not some one call my carriage for +me? + +SBRI. Very good. + +MR. POUR. Soho! there, coachman. Little page! Ah! little rogue, what +a whipping you will get by and by! Little page-boy! little page-boy! +Where in the world is that page-boy? Will that little page never be +found? Will nobody call that little page for me? Is my little page +nowhere to be found? + +SBRI. Marvellous! But there is one thing that I see does not do. This +hood is a little too thin; I must go and fetch you a thicker one, to +hide your face better in case of any accident. + +MR. POUR. What shall I do in the meantime? + +SBRI. Wait for me here. I will be back in a moment; you have only to +walk about. + +(MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC _walks forward and backward on the stage, +mimicking the lady of rank._) + + + + +SCENE III.--MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC, TWO SWISS. + +1ST SWISS (_without seeing_ MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC). Come you, make +haste, mein comrad, ve vill, both of us, go to ze market-place; to +zee dis Porcegnac at de chustice, which him contemns to pe hung py de +neck. + +2ND SWISS. (_without seeing_ MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC). Ve moost hire +one vindow to zee dis chustice. + +1ST SWISS. Man says dat zey alreaty a great new gallow plant hafe, to +hang dis Porcegnac to it. + +2ND SWISS. It will pe, yes, a great pleazure to see dis Limossin +hung. + +1ST SWISS. Ja! to see him vaggle de feet up zere pefor all de +peoples! + +2ND SWISS. He pe one funny man, he pe; man says dat he married dree +times hafe. + +1ST SWISS. Ze room fellow! he vant dree wifes all to himself! one +fery much pe quite enough for him. + +2ND SWISS (_perceiving_ MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC.) Ah! goot tay, +missy. + +1ST SWISS. Vat do you zere all by self. + +MR. POUR. I am waiting for my servants, gentlemen. + +2ND SWISS. You pe prooty, missy? + +MR. POUR. Gently, sirs. + +1ST SWISS. Missy, vill you come and amuse you on de market-place? Ve +will make you zee one little hanging fery prooty. + +MR. POUR. I am much obliged to you. + +2ND SWISS. It is a Limossin chentleman vat will hung pe fery prootily +at a great gallow. + +MR. POUR. I am not desirous to see it. + +1ST SWISS. You hafe one much funny prest.... + +MR. POUR. Ah! this is too much! and such odious things are not said +to a woman of my position. + +2ND SWISS. You go avay. + +1ST SWISS. Me vill let not you. + +2ND SWISS. Put I vill, I tell ye. (_Both lay hold of_ MR. DE +POURCEAUGNAC _roughly_.) + +1ST SWISS. I vill not let you. + +2ND SWISS. You hafe told one fery mooch lie. + +1ST SWISS. You hafe told one lie yourself. + +MR. POUR. Help! help! police! + + + + +SCENE IV.--MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC, THREE POLICE OFFICERS, TWO SWISS. + +OFF. What is it? what is the meaning of this violence? and what are +you doing to this lady? Be off at once, unless you wish to be put in +prison. + +1ST SWISS. Goot, you gone, you vill not hafe her. + +2ND SWISS. Goot, you gone too, you vill not hafe her also. + + + + +SCENE V.--MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC, THREE POLICE OFFICERS. + +MR. POUR. I am much obliged to you, Sir, for saving me from those +insolent fellows. + +OFF. Oh! oh! This is a face which is deucedly like that which was +described to me. + +MR. POUR. It is not I, I assure you. + +OFF. Oh! oh! what does this mean? + +MR. POUR. I don't know. + +OFF. What is it, then, that makes you say that? + +MR. POUR. Nothing. + +OFF. This manner of speaking is somewhat ambiguous, and you are my +prisoner. + +MR. POUR. O, Sir, I pray! + +OFF. No, no; to judge by your appearance and your manner of speaking, +you must be that Mr. de Pourceaugnac we are looking for, although you +are disguised in this manner, and you must come to prison at once. + +MR. POUR. Alas! + + + + +SCENE VI.--MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC, SBRIGANI, THREE POLICE OFFICERS. + +SERI. (_to_ MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC). Heavens! what does this mean? + +MR. POUR. They have discovered who I am. + +OFF. Yes, yes; I am delighted about it. + +SERI. (_to the_ OFFICER). Ah, Sir! for my sake! do not take him +to prison; you know that we have been friends a long while. + +OFF. I cannot help it. + +SBRI. You are a man to hear reason, Is there no way of adjusting this +matter with the help of a few pistoles? + +OFF. (_to his subordinates_). Go farther back. + + + + +SCENE VII.--MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC, SBRIGANI, A POLICE OFFICER. + +SBRI. (_to_ MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC). You must give him some money +for him to let you go. Be quick. + +MR. POUR. (_giving some money to_ SBRIGANI). Ah! cursed place. + +SBRI. Here, Sir. + +OFF. How much is there? + +SBRI. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten. + +OFF. No; I have express orders. + +SBRI. (_to the_ OFFICER, _who is going_). Pray wait. (_To +_ MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC) Be quick, give him as much again. + +MR. POUR. But.... + +SBRI. Be quick, I tell you; don't waste time; you would be happy, +would you not, if you were hanged? + +MR. POUR. Ah! (_Gives more money to_ SBRIGANI.) + +SBRI. (_to the_ OFFICER). Here, Sir. + +OFF. (_to_ SBRIGANI). I must go off with him, for I should not +be in safety here after this. Leave him to me, and don't stir from +this place. + +SBRI. I beg of you to take the utmost care of him. + +OFF. I promise you not to leave him one moment till I see him safe. + +MR. POUR. (_to_ SBRIGANI). Farewell! This is the first honest +man I have found in this town. + + + + +SCENE VIII.--ORONTE, SBRIGANI. + +SBRI. (_affecting not to see_ ORONTE). Ah! What a strange +adventure! What terrible news for a father! Poor Oronte, how much I +pity you! What will you say? How will you ever be able to bear with +such a misfortune? + +ORO. What is it? Of what misfortune do you speak? + +SBRI. Ah, Sir! This wretch of a Limousin has run away with your +daughter! + +ORO. Run away with my daughter! + +SERI. Yes; she became so infatuated with him that she has left you to +follow him. It is said that he has a charm to make all women fall in +love with him. + +ORO. Quick! Justice! Let the police be set after them! + + + + +SCENE IX.--ORONTE, ERASTE, JULIA, SBRIGANI. + +ERA. (_to_ JULIA). Come along; you shall come in spite of +yourself. I will put you in your father's hands. Sir, here is your +daughter, whom I had to take by force from the man with whom she was +running away; it is not for her sake that I did it, but entirely for +yours. For, after such conduct, I ought to despise her, and it is +enough to cure me altogether of my love. + +ORO. Ah! infamous girl that you are! + +ERA. (_to_ JULIA). How could you treat me in that way, after all +the proofs of affection I have given you? I do not blame you for +being obedient to your father's will; he is wise and judicious in all +he does; and I do not complain of him for having preferred another to +me. They told him that that other man was richer than I by four or +five thousand crowns, and four or five thousand crowns are a good +round sum, and are enough to make a gentleman break his word; but +that you should forget in a moment all the love I had for you, suffer +yourself to fall madly in love with the first new-comer, and +shamefully follow him; without the consent of your father, after all +the crimes that were charged upon him! It is what all the world will +condemn, and what my heart can never cease to reproach you with. + +JUL. Well, yes; I fell in love with him, and I wanted to follow him, +since my father had chosen him to be my husband. Whatever you may +say, he is a very honest man, and all the crimes they accuse him of +are so many detestable falsehoods. + +ORO. Be silent; you are an impertinent hussy, and I know better than +you. + +JUL. They are some tricks they have played him, and (_showing_ +ERASTE) it is he himself, no doubt, who managed it all, to disgust +you with him. + +ERA. What! I should be capable of such a thing? + +JUL. Yes, you. + +ORO. Be silent, I tell you. You are a silly girl. + +ERA. You need not think that I have any wish to prevent the match, +and that it is because I love you that I hastened to rescue you. I +have already told you that it is only because of the regard I have +for your father. I could not bear to see an honourable man exposed to +the shame of all the gossip that would be occasioned by such an +action. + +ORO. I am truly and sincerely obliged to you, Sir. + +ERA. Farewell, Sir! I had the greatest desire to enter into your +family; I did everything to deserve such an honour; but I have been +unfortunate, and you did not judge me worthy of that honour. It will +not prevent me from retaining towards you all those feelings of +esteem and regard which your person demands; and although I cannot be +your son-in-law, I shall always be at your service. + +ORO. Stay. Your behaviour touches my heart, and I give you my +daughter in marriage. + +JUL. I won't have any other husband than Mr. de Pourceaugnac. + +ORO. And I will have you marry Eraste at once. + +JUL. No; I will not. + +ORO. I shall give it you about the ears. + +ERA. No, no, Sir; don't use violence towards her, I pray you. + +ORO. I will have her obey me, and I will show her that I am the +master. + +ERA. Do you not see how fast in love she is with that man; and would +you have me possess the body while another has the heart? + +ORO. He has thrown some charm upon her. You may be sure that she will +change before long. Give me your hand. Come. + +JUL. No! + +ORO. Ah! What, rebellion! Your hand, I tell you, at once. Ah! + +ERA. Do not think that it is because of my love for you that I agree +to marry you; it is your father only I am in love with, and it is him +whom I marry. + +ORO. I am truly obliged to you, and I add ten thousand crowns to my +daughter's portion. Quick; a notary to draw up the contract. + +ERA. In the meanwhile, let us enjoy the pleasures of the season, and +fetch in those masks whom the report of Mr. de Pourceaugnac's wedding +has attracted hither. + + + + +SCENE X.--A BALLET + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's Monsieur de Pourceaugnac, by Poquelin (Moliere) + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MONSIEUR DE POURCEAUGNAC *** + +This file should be named 7prnc10.txt or 7prnc10.zip +Corrected EDITIONS of our eBooks get a new NUMBER, 7prnc11.txt +VERSIONS based on separate sources get new LETTER, 7prnc10a.txt + +This eBook was produced as a DP project (Delphine Lettau PM) + +Project Gutenberg eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the US +unless a copyright notice is included. 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Please do not remove it. Do not change or edit the +header without written permission. + +Please read the "legal small print," and other information about the +eBook and Project Gutenberg at the bottom of this file. Included is +important information about your specific rights and restrictions in +how the file may be used. You can also find out about how to make a +donation to Project Gutenberg, and how to get involved. + + +**Welcome To The World of Free Plain Vanilla Electronic Texts** + +**eBooks Readable By Both Humans and By Computers, Since 1971** + +*****These eBooks Were Prepared By Thousands of Volunteers!***** + + +Title: Monsieur de Pourceaugnac + + +Author: Poquelin (Moliere) + +Release Date: December, 2004 [EBook #7009] +[Yes, we are more than one year ahead of schedule] +[This file was first posted on February 21, 2003] + +Edition: 10 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: Latin-1 + +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MONSIEUR DE POURCEAUGNAC *** + + + + +This eBook was produced as a DP project (Delphine Lettau PM) + + + + +MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC. + +BY + +MOLIERE + + +TRANSLATED INTO ENGLISH PROSE. + +_WITH SHORT INTRODUCTIONS AND EXPLANATORY NOTES_. + +BY + +CHARLES HERON WALL + + + +'Monsieur de Pourceaugnac', acted on October 6, 1669, is nothing but +a farce. But Molière excels in farce as well as in higher comedy, and +'Monsieur de Pourceaugnac' is one of the best of its kind. The +attacks upon the doctors of the time are not exaggerated. Molière +acted the part of Mr. de Pourceaugnac. + + + + +PERSONS REPRESENTED. + + +MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC. ORONTE, _father to_ JULIA. + +ÉRASTE, _lover to_ JULIA. + +SBRIGANI, _a Neapolitan adventurer_. + +FIRST PHYSICIAN. + +SECOND PHYSICIAN. + +AN APOTHECARY. + +A PEASANT. + +A FEMALE PEASANT. + +FIRST SWISS. + +SECOND SWISS. + +A POLICE OFFICER. + +TWO INFERIOR POLICE OFFICERS. + +JULIA, _daughter to_ ORONTE. + +NÉRINE, _an intriguing woman, supposed to come from Picardy._ + +LUCETTE, _supposed to come from Gascony._ + +* * * * * + +The scene is in Paris. + + + + +MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC. + + + + +ACT I. + +SCENE I.--ÉRASTE, A LADY SINGER, TWO MEN SINGERS, _several others +performing on instruments_, DANCERS. + + +ERA. (_to the_ MUSICIANS _and_ DANCERS). Carry out the +orders I have given you for the serenade. As for myself, I will +withdraw, for I do not wish to be seen here. + + + + +SCENE II.--A LADY SINGER, TWO MEN SINGERS, _several others +performing on instruments_, DANCERS. + +LADY (_sings_). + Spread, charming night, spread over every brow + The subtle scent of thy narcotic flower, + And let no wakeful hearts keep vigil now + Save those enthralled by love's resistless power. + More beautiful than day's most beauteous light, + Thy silent shades were made for love's delight. + +FIRST SINGER. + Love is sweet when none our wills oppose; + Then peaceful tastes our gentle hearts dispose; + But tyrants reign, who gave us birth and life. + Ah! love is sweet when love is free from strife. + +SECOND SINGER. + All who strive 'gainst love must fall; + Perfect love will conquer all. + +ALL THREE. + Let us love with an eternal ardour! + Let parents frown, and try in vain to cure, + Absence, hardship, or cruel fortune's rigour + Will only strengthen love when true and pure. + +_First entry of the_ BALLET. +(_Dance of the two_ DANCING MASTERS.) + +_Second entry of the_ BALLET. +(_Dance of the two_ PAGES.) + +_Third entry of the_ BALLET. +(_Four_ SPECTATORS, _who quarrelled during the dance, now +dance, sword in hand, fighting all the while_.) + +_Fourth entry of the_ BALLET. +(_Two_ SOLDIERS _separate the combatants, and dance with +them_.) + + + + +SCENE III.--JULIA, ÉRASTE, NÉRINE. + +JUL. Oh dear, Éraste! take care that we are not discovered. I am so +afraid of being seen with you; all would be lost after the command I +have received to the contrary. + +ERA. I see nobody about. + +JUL. (_to_ NÉRINE). Just keep watch, Nérine, and be careful that +nobody comes. + +NER. (_going to the farther end of the stage_). Trust me for +that: and say all you have to say to each other. + +JUL. Have you thought of anything to favour our plan, Éraste? And do +you think that we shall succeed in breaking off that marriage which +my father has taken into his head? + +ERA. We are at least doing all we can for it, and we have ready many +schemes to bring such an absurd notion to naught. + +NER. (_running towards_ JULIA). I say, here is your father. + +JUL. Ah! let us separate quickly. + +NER. No, no; don't go; I made a mistake. + +JUL. How absurd you are, Nérine, to give us such a fright! + +ERA. Yes, dear Julia, we have plenty of stratagems ready for the +purpose; and, in accordance with the permission you have given me, we +will not hesitate to make use of every means. Do not ask me what it +is we are going to do; you will have the fun of seeing it, and, as at a +comedy, it will be nice for you to have the pleasure of being surprised +without my letting you know beforehand what is going to take place. +This is telling you that we have many schemes in hand for the +occasion, and that our clever Nérine and the dexterous Sbrigani have +undertaken to bring the affair to a successful issue. + +NER. Yes, we have indeed. Is your father crazy to think of entangling +you with his lawyer of Limoges; that Mr. de Pourceaugnac, whom he +has never seen in his life, and who comes by the coach to take you +away before our very eyes? Ought three or four thousand crowns, more +or less--and that, too, upon the word of your uncle--to make him refuse +a lover you like? Besides, are you made for a Limousin? If he has taken +it into his head to marry, why does he not take one of his own +countrywomen, and let Christians be at peace? The very name of +Pourceaugnac puts me in a frightful rage. I boil over with Mr. de +Pourceaugnac. If it were only because of the name, I would do +anything to prevent the match. No, you shall not be Mrs. de +Pourceaugnac. Pourceaugnac! Was ever such a name heard of! [Footnote: +Pourceaugnac equals _pourceau_, "a young pig," plus the local +ending _-gnac_.] No, I could never put up with Pourceaugnac; and +we will abuse the man to such an extent, and play him so many tricks, +that he will have to return to Limoges, Mr. de Pourceaugnac. + +ERA. Here is our cunning Neapolitan, who will give us news. + + + + +SCENE IV.--JULIA, ÉRASTE, SBRIGANI, NÉRINE. + +SBRI. Our man has just come, Sir. I saw him at a place three leagues +away from here, where the coach stops; and I studied him for more +than half an hour in the kitchen, where he went down to breakfast, +and I know him now perfectly. As to his appearance, I will say nothing +about it; you will see for yourselves what nature has done for him, and +if his dress is not the very thing to set that off. But as for his +understanding, I can tell you beforehand that it is among the dullest I +have met with for a long time. We shall find in him a fit subject to work +upon as we like. He is just the man to fall into all the traps laid for +him. + +ERA. Is all that possible? + +SBRI. Perfectly true, and I am skilled in the knowledge of men. + +NER. (_pointing to_ SBRIGANI). This is a famous man, Madam; and +your affair could not be trusted to better hands. He is the hero of +the age, for the wonders he has performed. A man who, twenty times in +his life, has generously braved the galleys to serve his friends; +who, at the peril of his arms and shoulders, [Footnote: Compare the +"royal cautery" in 'The Flying Doctor'] knows how to bring to a +successful issue the most difficult enterprises; and who is, in +short, banished from his country for I don't know how many honourable +actions he has generously engaged in. + +SBRI. I am ashamed to hear the praises with which you honour me, and +I could most justly extol the marvellous things you did in your life; +I could particularly speak of the glory you acquired when you cheated +at play that young nobleman we brought to your house, and won twelve +thousand crowns from him; when you handsomely made that false +contract which ruined a whole family; when with such greatness of +soul you denied all knowledge of the deposit which had been entrusted +to you, and so generously gave evidence which hung two innocent +people. + +NER. These are trifles not worth mentioning, and your praises make me +blush. + +SBRI. Then I will spare your modesty. Let us leave that aside, and +speak of our business. To begin with, I will quickly rejoin our +countryman, while you, on your side, will see that all the other +actors in the comedy are kept in readiness. + +ERA. And you, Madam, pray remember your part, that in order to +conceal our aim the better, you are to affect to be quite perfectly +delighted with your father's resolutions. + +JUL. If it only depends on that, things will be sure to succeed. + +ERA. But, dear Julia, if everything were to fail? + +JUL. I will declare my real inclinations to my father. + +ERA. And if he persists in his designs in spite of your inclinations? + +JUL. I will threaten to shut myself up in a convent. + +ERA. But if, notwithstanding all that, he wished to force you to this +marriage? + +JUL. Why, what would you have me say? + +ERA. What do I want you to say? + +JUL. Yes. + +ERA. What is said when one loves truly? + +JUL. But what? + + ERA. That nothing shall force you; that in spite of all your father +can do, you promise to be mine. + +JUL. Ah me! Éraste, be satisfied with what I do now, and leave the +future alone. Do not perplex me in my duty, by speaking of sad +expedients to which we may not be obliged to have recourse. Allow me +to be led by the course of events. + +ERA. Will.... + +SBRI. Sir, here is our man. Be careful. + +NER. Ah! what a guy! [Footnote: Sbrigani and Nérine are merely the +conventional rogues of the stage. Compare Mascarille, Scapin.] + + + + +SCENE V.--MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC, SBRIGANI. + +MR. POUR. (_turning to the side he came from, and speaking to the +people who are following him_). Well, what is it? What is the +matter? What do you want? Deuce take this stupid town, and the people +who live in it! Nobody can walk a step without meeting a lot of asses +staring and laughing like fools at one. You boobies, mind your +business; and let folk pass without grinning in their faces. Deuce +take me if I don't knock down the first man I see laughing. + +SBRI. (_speaking to the same people_). What are you about? What +is the meaning of such conduct? What is it you want? Is it right to +make fun like that of strangers who come here? + +MR. POUR. Here is a man of sense at last. + +SBRI. What manners! And what is there to laugh at? + +MR. POUR. Quite right. + +SBRI. Is there anything ridiculous in this gentleman? + +MR. POUR. I ask you? + +SBRI. Is he not like other people? + +MR. POUR. Am I crooked or hunchbacked? + +SBRI. Learn to distinguish people. + +MR. POUR. Well said. + +SBRI. This gentleman's qualities call for your respect. + +MR. POUR. Perfectly true. + +SBRI. He is a person of quality. + +MR. POUR. Yes, a gentleman from Limoges. + +SBRI. A man of intelligence. + +MR. POUR. Who has studied the law. [Footnote: Compare act ii. scene +xii.] + +SBRI. He does you too much honour in coming to this town. + +MR. POUR. Ay, indeed. + +SBRI. This gentleman has nothing in him that can make you laugh. + +MR. POUR. Certainly not. + +SBRI. And the first who laughs at him, I will call to account. + +MR. POUR. (_to_ SBRIGANI). Sir, I am extremely, obliged to you. + +SBRI. I am sorry, Sir, to see a person like you received after such a +fashion. + +MR. POUR. Your servant, Sir. + +SBRI. I saw you breakfasting this morning, Sir, with the other +passengers; and the grace with which you ate created in me at once a +great friendship for you; and as I know that you have never been here +before, and that you are a perfect stranger, I am glad I met you, to +offer you my services at your arrival, and to assist you among these +people, who do not always behave to strangers of quality as they +should. + +MR. POUR. You are really very kind. + +SBRI. I have told you already; the moment I saw you, I felt an +inclination for you. + +MR. POUR. I am greatly obliged to you. + +SBRI. Your countenance pleased me. + +MR. POUR. You do me much honour. + +SBRI. I read honesty in it. + +MR. POUR. I am your servant + +SBRI. Something amiable. + +MR. POUR. Ah! ah! + +SBRI. Graceful. + +MR. POUR. Ah! ah! + +SBRI. Sweet. + +MR. POUR. Ah! ah! + +SBRI. Majestic. + +MR. POUR. Ah! ah! + +SBRI. Frank. + +MR. POUR. Ah! ah! + +SBRI. And cordial. + +MR. POUR. Ah! ah! + +SBRI. Believe that I am entirely yours. + +MR. POUR. I am greatly obliged to you. + +SBRI. I speak from the bottom of my heart. + +MR. POUR. I believe you. + +SBRI. If I had the honour of being known to you, you would find that +I am altogether sincere. + +MR. POUR. I do not doubt it. + +SBRI. An enemy to deceit. + +MR. POUR. I feel sure of it. + +SBRI. And that I am incapable of disguising my thoughts. + +MR. POUR. It is exactly what I think. + +SBRI. You look at my dress, which is not like that of other people; +but I came originally from Naples, at your service; and I always like +to keep up the way of dressing as well as the sincerity of my +country. [Footnote: The Neapolitans had no great reputation for +sincerity.] + +MR. POUR. You are quite right. For my part, I was desirous of +appearing in the court dress for the country. [Footnote: _Mode de +la cour pour la campagne_.] + +SBRI. Truly, it becomes you better than it does all our courtiers. + +MR. POUR. Exactly what my tailor told me. The coat is suitable and +rich; it will tell here among these people. + +SBRI. You will go to the Louvre, no doubt? + +MR. POUR. Yes; I must go and pay my court. + +SBRI. The king will be charmed to see you. + +MR. POUR. I believe so. + +SBRI. Have you fixed upon rooms? + +MR. POUR. No; I was going to look for some. + +SBRI. I shall be very glad to go with you; I know all this city well. + + SCENE VI.--ÉRASTE, MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC, SBRIGANI. + +ERA. Ah, who is this? What do I see? What a happy meeting! Mr. +de Pourceaugnac! How delighted I am to see you! What! anyone +would think that you find it difficult to remember me! + +MR. POUR. Sir, I am your servant. + +ERA. Is it possible that five or six years can have made you forget +me? Do you not remember the best friend of the de Pourceaugnacs? + +MR. POUR. Yes, yes. (_Aside to_ SBRIGANI) Deuce take me if I +know who he is. + +ERA. There is not one of the de Pourceaugnacs of Limoges that I do +not know, from the greatest to the smallest; I visited only them +during my stay there, and I had the honour of seeing you every day. + +MR. POUR. The honour was mine, Sir. + +ERA. You do not remember my face? + +MR. POUR. Yes, yes. (_To_ SBRIGANI) I don't know him a bit. + +ERA. You do not remember that I had the pleasure of drinking with you +I don't know how many times? + +MR. POUR. Excuse me. (_To_ SBRIGANI) I don't know anything about +it. + +ERA. What is the name of that pastrycook who cooks such capital +dinners? + +MR. POUR. Petit-Jean. + +ERA. Just so. We used often to go there together to enjoy ourselves. +How do you call that place where people go for a walk? + +MR. POUR. The cemetery of the Arènes. + +ERA. Exactly. It is there I enjoyed so many happy hours of your +pleasant talk. Don't you remember it all now? + +MR. POUR. Pardon me; yes, I remember. (_To_ SBRIGANI) Deuce take +me if I do. + +SBRI. (_aside to_ MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC). There are a hundred +things like that which one is apt to forget altogether. + +ERA. Let us embrace, I pray, and renew our former friendship. + +SBRI. (_to_ MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC). This man seems to have a great +affection for you. + +ERA. Tell me some news of all the family. How is that gentleman +your ... he who is such an honest man? + +MR. POUR. My brother the sheriff? [Footnote: _Consul_ in the +south equalled _échevin_ in the north. Both words are obsolete +in this sense.] + +ERA. Yes. + +MR. POUR. He is as well as can be. + +ERA. I am delighted to hear it. And that good tempered man? You know, +your.... + +MR. POUR. My cousin, the assessor? + +ERA. Exactly. + +MR. POUR. Always gay and hearty. + +ERA. It gives me much pleasure to hear it. And your uncle, the.... + +MR. POUR. I have no uncle. + +ERA. But you had one in those days? + +MR. POUR. No; only an aunt.... + +ERA. Ah! it's what I meant; your aunt; Mrs.... How is she? + +MR. POUR. She died six months ago. + +ERA. Alas! poor woman. She was so good, too! + +MR. POUR. We have also my nephew, the canon, who almost died of the +smallpox. + +ERA. What a pity if it had happened! + +MR. POUR. Do you know him also? + +ERA. Indeed I do; a tall handsome fellow. + +MR. POUR. Not so very tall. + +ERA. No; but well-shaped. + +MR. POUR. Yes, yes. + +ERA. He's your nephew, isn't he? + +MR. POUR. Yes. + +ERA. Son of your brother or your sister? + +MR. POUR. True. + +ERA. A canon of the church of.... How do you call it? + +MR. POUR. Saint Stephen. + +ERA. Just so; I don't know any other. + +MR. POUR. (_to_ SBRIGANI). He knows all my relations. + +SBRI. He knows you better than you think. + +MR. POUR. You must have lived a long time in our town, I see. + +ERA. Two whole years. + +MR. POUR. You were there, then, when our governor was godfather to my +cousin the assessor's child? + +ERA. To be sure; I was one of the first invited. + +MR. POUR. The thing was well done. + +ERA. Very. + +MR. POUR. The dinner was well got up. + +ERA. Yes, indeed. + +MR. POUR. Then you must remember the quarrel I had with that +gentleman from Périgord. + +ERA. Yes. + +MR. POUR. He met with his match, eh? + +ERA. Ah! ah! + +MR. POUR. He slapped my face; but I paid him back handsomely. + +ERA. Very handsomely, By the bye, I shall not allow you to go to any +other house but mine. + +MR. POUR. I would not.... + +ERA. Nonsense! I will not allow one of my best friends to go anywhere +but to my house. + +MR. POUR. It would be disturb.... + +ERA. No; deuce take it all. You shall stay with me. + +SBRI. (_to_ MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC). Since he will have it so, I +advise you to accept. + +ERA. Where is your luggage? + +MR. POUR. With my servant, where we stopped. + +ERA. Send somebody to fetch it. + +MR. POUR. No. I forbade him to let it go out of his sight, for fear +of swindlers. + +SBRI. You did quite right. + +MR. POUR. It is good to be cautious in this place. + +ERA. We always know a man of sense. + +SBRI. I will accompany this gentleman, and bring him back where you +wish. + +ERA. Do so. I have a few orders to give; but you only need come to +that house yonder. + +SBRI. We will come back presently. + +ERA. (_to_ MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC). I shall expect you with great +impatience. + +MR. POUR. (_to_ SBRIGANI). I find an acquaintance when I little +expected to meet with one. + +SBRI. He looks like an honest man. (_Exeunt._) + +ERA. (_alone_). Ah! ah! Mr. de Pourceaugnac, you will get it +hot! Everything is ready, and I have only to give the word. Soho! +there. + + + + +SCENE VII.--ÉRASTE, AN APOTHECARY. + +ERA. I think, Sir, that you are the doctor to whom somebody went to +speak in my name. + +APO. No, Sir. I am not the doctor; such an honour does not belong to +me. I am only an unworthy apothecary; at your service. + +ERA. Is the doctor at home, then. + +APO. Yes; he is in there, trying to get rid quickly of some patients. +I will tell him that you are here. + +ERA. No; you need not disturb him; I will wait till he has done. I +have to entrust to his care a certain relation of mine he was told +about today. He is attacked with a sort of madness that we should +like to see cured before we marry him to anyone. + +APO. I know; I know all about it. I was there when he was told of +this affair. Upon my word, Sir; upon my word, you could not apply to +a more skilful doctor. He is a man who understands medicine +thoroughly, as well as I do my A B C; [Footnote: _Ma croix de par +Dieu_, "my Christ-cross-row," or "Criss-cross-row," in old and +provincial English.] and who, were you to die for it, would not abate +one iota of the rules of the ancients. Yes, he always follows the +high-road--the high-road, Sir, and doesn't spend his time finding out +mares' nests. For all the gold in the world he would not cure anybody +with other medicines than those prescribed by the faculty. + +ERA. He is quite right. A patient should not wish to be cured unless +the faculty consents to it. + +APO. It is not because we are great friends that I speak so of him; +but it is a pleasure to be his patient, and I had rather die by his +medicines than be cured with those of another. For, whatever may +happen, we know for certain that things are always in due order; and +should we die under his care, our heirs have nothing to reproach us +with. + +ERA. A great comfort to a dead man. + +APO. Certainly; it is pleasant to have died according to rules. +Moreover, he is not one of those doctors who let a disease off. He is +an expeditious man--expeditious, Sir, who likes to clear off his +patients; and when they are to die, the thing is done in no time. + +ERA. There is, to be sure, nothing like going through the business +quickly. + +APO. Indeed, what is the use of haggling over the matter, and beating +so long about the bush? One should know offhand the long and short of +an illness. + +ERA. You are quite right. + +APO. Why, he did me the honour of taking care of three of my +children; they died in less than four days, whereas with another they +would have lingered for more than three months. + +ERA. It is a blessing to have friends like these. + +APO. Decidedly. I have still two children left, of whom he takes care +as if they were his own; he attends them, and physics them as he +pleases, without my interfering in the least; and very frequently on +my return from the city, I am quite surprised to find that they have +been bled or purged by his direction. + +ERA. This is kind care indeed! + +APO. Here he is, here he is; here he is coming. + + + + +SCENE VIII.--ÉRASTE, 1ST PHYSICIAN, APOTHECARY, COUNTRYMAN, +COUNTRYWOMAN. + +C. MAN. Sir, he can hold out no longer; he says he feels the greatest +pains imaginable in his head. + +1ST PHY. The patient is a fool; for in the disease by which he is +attacked it is not his head, according to Galen, but the spleen, +which must give pain. + +C. MAN. However this may be, Sir, he has had for the last six months +a laxity with it. + +1ST PHY. That's right. It is a sign that his body is clearing. I will +go and see him in two or three days; but if he dies before, mind you +do not forget to give me notice, for it is not proper that a doctor +should go to visit a dead man. + +C. WOM. (_to_ PHYSICIAN). My father, Sir, is getting worse and +worse. + +1ST PHY. It is no fault of mine; I send him remedies; why does he not +get better? How many times has he been bled? + +C. WOM. Fifteen times, Sir, in twenty days. + +1ST PHY. Fifteen times? + +C. WOM. Yes. + +1ST PHY. And he does not get better? + +C. WOM. No, Sir. + +PHY. It is a sign that the seat of the malady is not in the blood. He +must be purged as many times, to see if it is in the humours; and if +this does not succeed, we will send him to the bath. + +APO. This is the _beau-idéal_ of physic. + + + + +SCENE IX.--ÉRASTE, 1ST PHYSICIAN, APOTHECARY. + +ERA. (_to the_ PHYSICIAN). It was I, Sir, who sent to you few +days ago about a relation of mine who is not quite right in his mind; +and I want him to live in your house, as it would be more convenient +for you to attend to him, and to prevent him from being seen by too +many people. + +1ST PHY. Yes, Sir, I have got everything ready; and I will take the +utmost care of him. + +ERA. Here he is. + +1ST PHY. That is most fortunate; for I have with me just now an old +physician, a friend of mine, with whom I should be glad to consult +concerning this disorder. + + + +SCENE X.--MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC, ÉRASTE, 1ST PHYSICIAN, APOTHECARY. + +ERA. (_to_ MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC). I am obliged to leave you a +moment for a little affair which requires my presence; (_showing +the_ PHYSICIAN) but this person, in whose hands I leave you, will +do for you all he possibly can. + +1ST PHY. I am bound by my profession to do so; and it is enough that +you should lay this duty upon me. + +MR. POUR. (_aside_). It is his steward, no doubt; he must be a +man of quality. + +1ST PHY. (_to_ ÉRASTE). Yes, Sir; I assure you that I shall +treat this gentleman methodically, and in strict accordance with the +rules of our art. + +MR. POUR. Indeed, I do not ask for so much ceremony; and I have not +come here to trouble you so. + +1ST PHY. Such a duty is a pleasure to me. + +ERA. (_to_ 1ST PHYSICIAN). Nevertheless, here are ten pistoles +beforehand, as an earnest of what I have promised you. + +MR. POUR. No, if you please; I won't hear of your spending anything +on my account, nor do I wish you to send for anything particular for +me. + +ERA. Ah, pray, do not trouble yourself; it is not for that you +imagine. + +MR. POUR. I beg of you to treat me only as a friend. + +ERA. It is exactly what I mean to do. (_Aside to the_ PHYSICIAN) +I particularly recommend you not to let him slip out of your hands, +for at times he tries to escape. + +1ST PHY. You need not fear. + +ERA. (_to_ MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC). Pray excuse the incivility I +commit. + +MR. POUR. Don't mention it. You are really too kind. + + + + +SCENE XI.--MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC, 1ST PHYSICIAN, 2ND PHYSICIAN, +APOTHECARY. + +1ST PHY. It is a great honour to me to be chosen to do you a service. + +MR. POUR. I am your servant. + +1ST PHY. Here is a clever man, one of my brethren, with whom I will +consult concerning the manner of our treating you. + +MR. POUR. There is no need of so much ceremony, I tell you; I am +easily satisfied. + +1ST PHY. Bring some seats. (_Servants come in and place +chairs._) + +MR. POUR. (_aside_). These servants are rather dismal for a +young man. + +1ST PHY. Now, Sir; take a seat, Sir. (_The two_ PHYSICIANS +_make_ MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC _sit between them_.) + +MR. POUR. (_seated_). Your very humble servant. (_Each_ +PHYSICIAN _takes one of his hands, and feels his pulse._) What +are you about? + +1ST PHY. Do you eat well, Sir? + +MR. POUR. Yes; and drink still better. + +1ST PHY. So much the worse! That great craving for cold and wet is a +sign of the heat and aridity that is within. Do you sleep well? + +MR. POUR. Yes; when I have made a hearty supper. + +1ST PHY. Do you dream much? + +MR. POUR. Now and then. + +1ST PHY. Of what nature are your dreams? + +MR. POUR. Of the nature of dreams. What the deuce is the meaning of +this conversation? + +1ST PHY. Have a little patience. We will reason upon your affair in +your presence; and we will do it in the vulgar tongue, so that you +may understand better. + +MR. POUR. What great reasoning is there wanted to eat a mouthful? + +1ST PHY. Since it is a fact that we cannot cure any disease without +first knowing it perfectly, and that we cannot know it perfectly +without first establishing its exact nature and its true species by +its diagnosis and prognosis, you will give me leave, you, my senior, +to enter upon the consideration of the disease that is in question, +before we think of the therapeutics and the remedies that we must +decide upon in order to effect a perfect cure. I say then, Sir, if +you will allow me, that our patient here present is unhappily +attacked, affected, possessed, and disordered by that kind of madness +which we properly name hypochondriac melancholy; a very trying kind +of madness, and which requires no less than an Aesculapius deeply +versed in our art like you; you, I say, who have become grey in +harness, as the saying hath it; and through whose hands so much +business of all sorts has passed. I call it hypochondriac melancholy, +to distinguish it from the other two; for the celebrated Galen +establishes and decides in a most learned manner, as is usual with +him, that there are three species of the disease which we call +melancholy, so called, not only by the Latins, but also by the +Greeks; which in this case is worthy of remark: the first, which +arises from a direct disease of the brain; the second, which proceeds +from the whole of the blood, made and rendered atrabilious; and the +third, termed hypochondriac, which is our case here, and which +proceeds from some lower part of the abdomen; and from the inferior +regions, but particularly the spleen; the heat and inflammation +whereof sends up to the brain of our patient abundance of thick and +foul fuliginosities; of which the black and gross vapours cause +deterioration to the functions of the principal faculty, and cause +the disease by which he is manifestly accused and convicted. In proof +of what I say, and as an incontestable diagnostic of it, you need +only consider that great seriousness, that sadness, accompanied by +signs of fearfulness and suspicion--pathognomonic and particular +symptoms of this disease, so well defined by the divine ancient +Hippocrates; that countenance, those red and staring eyes, that long +beard, that habit of body, thin, emaciated, black, and hairy--signs +denoting him greatly affected by the disease proceeding from a defect +in the hypochondria; which disease, by lapse of time, being +naturalised, chronic, habitual, ingrained, and established within +him, might well degenerate either into monomania, or into phthisis, +or into apoplexy, or even into downright frenzy and raving. All this +being taken for granted, since a disease well-known is a disease half +cured, for _ignoti nulla est curatio morbis_, it will not be +difficult for you to conclude what are the remedies needed by our +patient. First of all, to remedy this obdurate plethora, and this +luxuriant cacochymy throughout the body, I opine that he should be +freely phlebotomised; by which I mean that there should be frequent +and abundant bleedings, first in the basilic vein, then in the +cephalic vein; and if the disease be obstinate, that even the vein of +the forehead should be opened, and that the orifice be large, so that +the thick blood may issue out; and, at the same time, that he should +be purged, deobstructed, and evacuated by fit and suitable +purgatives, i.e. by chologues and melanogogues. And as the real +source of all this mischief is either a foul and feculent humour or a +black and gross vapour, which obscures, empoisons, and contaminates +the animal spirits, it is proper afterwards that he should have a +bath of pure and clean water, with abundance of whey; to purify, by +the water, the feculency of the foul humour, and by the whey to +clarify the blackness of the vapour. But, before all things, I think +it desirable to enliven him by pleasant conversations, by vocal and +instrumental music, to which it will not be amiss to add dancers, +that their movements, figures, and agility may stir up and awaken the +sluggishness of his spirits, which occasions the thickness of his +blood from whence the disease proceeds. These are the remedies I +propose, to which may be added many better ones by you, Sir, my +master and senior, according to the experience, judgment, knowledge +and sufficiency that you have acquired in our art. _Dixi_. + +2ND PHY. Heaven forbid, Sir, that it should enter my thoughts to add +anything to what you have just been saying! You have discoursed too +well on all the signs, symptoms, and causes of this gentleman's +disease. The arguments you have used are so learned and so delicate +that it is impossible for him not to be mad and hypochondriacally +melancholic; or, were he not, that he ought to become so, because of +the beauty of the things you have spoken, and of the justness of your +reasoning. Yes, Sir, you have graphically depicted, _graphice +depinxisti_, everything that appertains to this disease. Nothing +can be more learnedly, judiciously, and ingeniously conceived, +thought, imagined, than what you have delivered on the subject of +this disease, either as regards the diagnostic, the prognostic, or +the therapeutic; and nothing remains for me to do but to congratulate +this gentleman upon falling into your hands, and to tell him that he +is but too fortunate to be mad, in order to experience the gentle +efficacy of the remedies you have so judiciously proposed. I approve +them in toto, _manibus et pedibus descendo in tuam sententiam_. +All I should like to add is to let all his bleedings and purgings be +of an odd number, _numero deus impare gaudet_, to take the whey +before the bath, and to make him a forehead plaster, in the +composition of which there should be salt--salt is a symbol of +wisdom; to whitewash the walls of his room, to dissipate the +gloominess of his mind; _album est disgregativum visas_; and to +give him a little injection immediately, to serve as a prelude and +introduction to those judicious remedies, from which, if he is +curable, he must receive relief. Heaven grant that these remedies, +which are yours, Sir, may succeed with the patient according to our +wish! + +MR. POUR. Gentlemen, I have been listening to you for the last hour. +Are we acting a comedy here? + +1ST PHY. No, Sir; we are not acting a comedy. + +MR. POUR. What does it all mean? What are you about with this +gibberish and nonsense of yours? + +1ST PHY. Ah! Insulting language! A diagnostic which was wanting for +the confirmation of his disease. This may turn to mania. + +MR. POUR. (_aside_). With what kind of people have they left me +here. (_He spits two or three times._) + +1ST PHY. Another diagnostic: frequent expectoration. + +MR. POUR. Let us cease all this, and go away. + +1ST PHY. Another: anxiety to move about. + +MR. POUR. What is the meaning of all this business? What do you want +with me? + +1ST PHY. To cure you, according to the order we have received. + +MR. POUR. Cure me? + +1ST PRY. Yes. + +MR. POUR. S'death! I am not ill. + +1ST PHY. It is a bad sign when a patient does not feel his illness. + +MR. POUR. I tell you that I am quite well. + +1ST PRY. We know better than you how you are; we are physicians who +see plainly into your constitution. + +MR. POUR. If you are physicians, I have nothing to do with you; and I +snap my fingers at all your physic. + +1ST PRY. H'm! h'm! This man is madder than we thought. + +MR. POUR. My father and mother would never have anything to do with +remedies; and they both died without the help of doctors. + +1ST PHY. I do not wonder if they have begotten a son who is mad. +(_To the_ 2ND PHYSICIAN) Come, let us begin the cure; and, +through the exhilarating sweetness of harmony, let us dulcify, +lenify, and pacify the acrimony of his spirits, which, I see, are +ready to be inflamed. (_Exeunt_.) + + + + +SCENE XII.--MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC (_alone_). + +What the devil is all this? Are the people of this place crazy? I +never saw anything like it; and I don't understand it a bit. + + + + +SCENE XIII.--MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC, TWO PHYSICIANS (_in grotesque +clothes_). + +(_They all three at first sit down; the PHYSICIANS rise up at +different times to bow to MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC, Who rises up as often +to bow to them in return_.) + +THE TWO PHYSICIANS. + Buon dì, buon dì, buon dì! + Non vi lasciate uccidere + Dal dolor malinconico. + Noi vi faremo ridere + Col nostro canto armonico; + Sol per guarirvi. + Siamo venuti quì. + Buon dì, buon dì, buon dì! + +1ST PHYSICIAN. + Altro non è la pazzia + Che malinconia. + Il malato + Non è disperato + Se vol pigliar un poco d'allegria, + Altro non è la pazzia + Che malinconia. + +2ND PHYSICIAN. + Sù; cantate, ballate, ridete. + E, se far meglio volete, + Quando sentite il deliro vicino + Pigliate del vino, + E qualche volta un poco di tabàc. + Allegramente, Monsu Pourceaugnàc. + +[Translation:] + +THE TWO PHYSICIANS. + Good day, good day, good day! + Yield not yourself a prey + To melancholy sway. + We'll make you laugh, I trow, + With songs harmonious, gay. + Unto us your cure is dear, + For that alone we're here. + Good day, good day, good day! + +1ST PHYSICIAN. + Nought else is madness true + Save melancholy blue. + Not lost is he, + Though sick he be, + Who sips of mirth the dew. + Nought else is madness true + Save melancholy blue. + +2ND PHYSICIAN. + Up then! sing loud, and dance and play, + "Better still I'd do!" you say. + Delirium's nigh--if you must pine, + Take first some wine; + And sometimes, too, take your tabàc + Right joyfully, Monsu Pourceaugnac. + + + + +SCENE XIV.--BALLET. + + + + +SCENE XV.--MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC, AN APOTHECARY. + +APO. Sir, here is a little remedy; a little remedy which you must +take, if you please; if you please. + +MR. POUR. How? I have no occasion for anything of the kind. + +APO. It was ordered, Sir; it was ordered. + +MR. POUR. Ah! What noise and bother. + +APO. Take it, Sir; take it, Sir. It will do you no harm; it will do +you no harm, &c. + +(MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC _runs away, the_ APOTHECARY, _&c. after +him_.) + + + + +SCENE XVI.--MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC, AN APOTHECARY, TWO PHYSICIANS (_in +grotesque clothes_). + +THE TWO PHYSICIANS. + Piglialo sù, + Signor Monsu; + Piglialo, piglialo, piglialo sù, + Che non ti fara, male, &c. + +[Translation:] +Take it, take it. Sir; it will do you no harm, &c. + + + + +ACT II. + +SCENE I.--1ST PHYSICIAN, SBRIGANI. + + +1ST PHY. He has forced through every obstacle I had placed to hinder +him, and has fled from the remedies I was beginning to prepare for +him. + +SBRI. To avoid remedies so salutary as yours is to be a great enemy +to oneself. + +1ST PHY. It is the mark of a disturbed brain and of a depraved reason +to be unwilling to be cured. + +SBRI. You would have cured him, for certain, in no time. + +1ST PHY. Certainly; though there had been the complication of a dozen +diseases. + +SBRI. With all that he makes you lose those fifty well-earned +pistoles. + +1ST PHY. I have no intention of losing them; and I am determined to +cure him in spite of himself. He is bound and engaged to take my +remedies; and I will have him seized, wherever I can find him, as a +deserter from physic and an infringer of my prescriptions. + +SBRI. You are right. Your medicines were sure of their effect; and it +is so much money he takes from you. + +1ST PHY. Where could I find him? + +SBRI. No doubt, at the house of that goodman Oronte, whose daughter +he comes to marry; and who, knowing nothing of the infirmity of his +future son-in-law, will perhaps be in a hurry to conclude the +marriage. + +1ST PHY. I will go and speak to him at once. + +SBRI. You should, in justice to yourself. + +1ST PHY. He is in need of my consultations; and a patient must not +make a fool of his doctor. + +SBRI. That is well said; and, if I were you, I would not suffer him +to marry till you have physicked him to your heart's content. + +1ST PHY. Leave that to me. + +SBRI. (_aside, and going_). For my part, I will bring another +battery into play; for the father-in-law is as much of a dupe as the +son-in-law. + + + + +SCENE II.--ORONTE, 1ST PHYSICIAN. + +1ST PHY. A certain gentleman, Sir, a Mr. de Pourceaugnac, is to marry +your daughter; is he not? + +ORO. Yes; I expect him from Limoges, and he ought to have been here +before now. + +1ST PHY. And he has come; he has run away from my house, after having +been placed under my care; but I forbid you, in the name of the +faculty, to proceed with the marriage you have decided upon, before I +have duly prepared him for it, and put him in a state to have +children well-conditioned both in mind and body. + +ORO. What is it you mean? + +1ST PHY. Your intended son-in-law was entered as my patient. His +disease which was given me to cure is a chattel which belongs to me, +and which I reckon among my possessions. I therefore declare to you +that I will not allow him to marry before he has rendered due +satisfaction to the faculty, and submitted to the remedies which I +have ordered for him. + +ORO. He is suffering from some disease? + +1ST PHY. Yes. + +ORO. And from what disease, if you please? + +1ST PHY. Don't trouble yourself about that. + +ORO. Is it some disease....? + +1ST PHY. Doctors are bound to keep things secret. Let it suffice you +that I enjoin both you and your daughter not to celebrate the wedding +without my consent, upon pain of incurring the displeasure of the +faculty, and of undergoing all the diseases which we choose to lay +upon you. + +ORO. If that is the case, I shall take good care to put a stop to the +marriage. + +1ST PHY. He was entrusted to me, and he is bound to be my patient. + +ORO. Very well. + +1ST PHY. It is in vain for him to run away; I will have him sentenced +to be cured by me. + +ORO. I am very willing. + +1ST PHY. Yes; he must either die or be cured by me. + +ORO. I consent to it. + +1ST PHY. And if I cannot find him, I will make you answerable, and +cure you instead of him. + +ORO. I am in very good health. + +1ST PHY. No matter. I must have a patient, and I will take anyone I +can. + +ORO. Take whom you will, but it shall not be me. (_Alone_) Did +you ever hear of such a thing! + + + + +SCENE III.--ORONTE, SBRIGANI _as a Flemish merchant_. + +SBRI. Sir, py your leafe, I pe one voreign marchant, and vould like +ask you one littel news. + +ORO. What, Sir? + +SBRI. Put you de hat on de head, Sir, if you pleace. + +ORO. Tell me. Sir, what you want. + +SBRI. I tell nozink, Sir, if you not put de hat on de head. + +ORO. Very well, then, what is it, Sir? + +SBRI. You not know in dis town one Mister Oronte? + +ORO. Yes, I know him. + +SBRI. And vat for one man is he, Sir, if you pleace? + +ORO. He is like any other man. + +SBRI. I ask you, Sir, if he one man of money is? + +ORO. Yes. + +SBRI. But very mooch rich, Sir? + +ORO. Yes. + +SBRI. It does me mooch pleasure, Sir. + +ORO. But why should it? + +SERI. It is, Sir, for one littel great reason for us. + +ORO. But why? + +SBRI. It is, Sir, dat dis Mr. Oronte his tauchter in marriage to a +certain Mr. Pourgnac gifes. + +ORO. Well! + +SBRI. And dis Mr. Pourgnac, Sir, is one man vat owes mooch golt to +ten or twelf Flemish marchants vat come here. + +ORO. This Mr. de Pourceaugnac owes a great deal to ten or twelve +merchants? + +SBRI. Yes, Sir; and for de last eight months ve hafe obtain one +littel judgment against him, and he put off all de credeetors till +dis marriage vat Mr. Oronte gifes to his tauchter. + +ORO. Ho! ho! So he puts off paying his creditors till then? + +SBRI. Yes, Sir; and vid great defotion ve all wait for dis marriage. + +ORO. The idea is not bad. (_Aloud_) I wish you good day. + +SBRI. I tank de gentleman for de favour great. + +ORO. Your very humble servant. + +SBRI. I pe, Sir, more great obliged don all py de goot news vat the +Mister gife me. (_Alone, after having taken off his beard, and +taken off the Flemish dress which he has put over his_) Things +don't go badly. All is going on swimmingly. I must throw off this +disguise and think of something else. We will put so much suspicion +between the father-in-law and his son-in-law that the intended +marriage must come to nothing. They are both equally fit to swallow +the baits that are laid for them, and it is mere child's play for us +great sharpers when we find such easy gulls. + + + + +SCENE IV.--MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC, SBRIGANI. + +MR. POUR. (_thinking himself alone_). _Piglialo sù, piglialo +sù, Signor Monsu_. What the deuce does it all mean? (_Seeing_ +SBRIGANI) Ah! + +SBRI. What is the matter, Sir? what ails you? + +MR. POUR. Everything I see seems injection. + +SBRI. How is that? + +MR. POUR. You can't think what has happened to me in that house where +you took me. + +SBRI. No! What has happened? + +MR. POUR. I thought I should be well feasted there. + +SBRI. Well? + + MR. POUR. I leave you in this gentleman's hands. Doctors dressed in +black. In a chair. Feel the pulse. In proof of what I say. He is mad. +Two big, fat-faced fellows, with large-brimmed hats. _Buon dì, buon +dì._ Six pantaloons. Ta, ra, ta, toi, ta, ra, ta, ta, toi. +_Allegramente, Monsu Pourceaugnac_, Take, Sir; take, take. It is +gentle, gentle, gentle. _Piglialo sù, Signor Monsu; piglialo, +piglialo sù_. I never was so surfeited with absurdities in all my +life. + +SBRI. What does it all mean? + +MR. POUR. It means, Sir, that this gentleman, with all his kissing +and hugging, is a deceitful rascal, who has sent me to that house to +play me some trick. + +SBRI. Is it possible? + +MR. POUR. It is, indeed. They were a dozen devils at my heels, and I +had all the difficulty in the world to escape out of their clutches. + +SBRI. Just fancy how deceitful people's looks are; I should have +taken him for the most affectionate friend you have. It is a wonder +to me how there can exist such rascals in the world. + +MR. POUR. My imagination is full of it all; and it seems to me that I +see everywhere a dozen injections threatening me. + +SBRI. This is really too bad! how treacherous and wicked people are! + +MR. POUR. Pray, tell me where Mr. Oronte lives. I should be glad to +go there at once. + +SBRI. Ah! ah! you are of a loving disposition, I see; and you have +heard that Mr. Oronte has a daughter? + +MR. POUR. Yes; I am come to marry her. + +SBRI. To ma ... to marry her? + +MR. POUR. Yes. + +SBRI. In wedlock? + +MR. POUR. How could it be otherwise? + +SBRI. Oh! it is another thing, and I beg your pardon. + +MR. POUR. What is it you mean? + +SBRI. Oh, nothing. + +MR. POUR. But, pray! + +SBRI. Nothing, I tell you. I spoke rather hastily. + +MR. POUR. I beg of you to tell me what it is. + +SBRI. No; it is not necessary. + +MR. POUR. Pray do. + +SBRI. No; I beg you to excuse me. + +MR. POUR. What! are you not one of my friends? + +SBRI. Yes, certainly; nobody more so. + +MR. POUR. Then you ought not to hide anything from me. + +SBRI. It is a thing in which a neighbour's honour is concerned. + +MR. POUR. That I may oblige you to treat me like a friend, here is a +small ring I beg of you to keep for my sake. + +SBRI. Let me consider a little if I can in conscience do it. (_Goes +away a small distance from_ MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC.) He is a man who +looks after his own interests, who tries to provide for his daughter +as advantageously as possible; and one should injure nobody. It is +true that these things are no secret; but I shall be telling them to +a man who knows nothing about it, and it is forbidden to talk scandal +of one's neighbour. All this is true. On the other hand, however, +here is a stranger they want to impose upon, who comes in all good +faith to marry a girl he knows nothing about, and whom be has never +seen. A gentleman all openheartedness, for whom I feel some +inclination, who does me the honour of reckoning me his friend, puts +his confidence in me, and gives me a ring to keep for his sake. +(_To_ MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC) Yes, I think that I can tell you how +things are without wounding my conscience. But I must try to tell it +all to you in the mildest way possible, and to spare people as much +as I can. If I were to tell you that this girl leads a bad life, it +would be going too far. I must find some milder term to explain +myself. The word coquette does not come up to the mark; that of +downright flirt seems to me to answer the purpose pretty well, and I +can make use of it to tell you honestly what she is. + +MR. POUR. They want to make a fool of me then? + +SBRI. But it may not be so bad as people think; and after all, there +are men who set themselves above such things, and who do not think +that their honour depends upon.... + +MR. POUR. I am your servant; I have no wish to adorn my person with +such a head-dress, and the Pourceaugnacs are accustomed to walk with +their heads free. + +SBRI. Here is the father. + +MR. POUR. Who? this old man? + +SBRI. Yes. Allow me to withdraw. + + + + +SCENE V.--ORONTE, MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC. + +MR. POUR. Good morning, Sir; good morning. + +ORO. Your servant, Sir; your servant. + +MR. POUR. You are Mr. Oronte; are you not? + +ORO. Yes. + +MR. POUR. And I, Mr. de Pourceaugnac. + +ORO. Ah, indeed! + +MR. POUR. Do you think, Mr. Oronte, that the people of Limoges are +fools? + +ORO. Do you think, Mr. de Pourceaugnac, that the people of Paris are +asses? + +MR. POUR. Do you imagine, Mr. Oronte, that a man like me can be dying +for a wife? + +ORO. Do you imagine, Mr. de Pourceaugnac, that a daughter like mine +can be dying for a husband? + + + + +SCENE VI.--MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC, JULIA, ORONTE. + +JUL. I have just been told, father, that Mr. de Pourceaugnac has +come. Ah, there he is, no doubt; my heart tells me so. How handsome +he is! How splendidly he holds himself. How pleased I am to have such +a husband! [Footnote: See act i, scene iv] Give me leave to kiss him +and to show him.... + +ORO. Softly, daughter, softly. + +MR. POUR. (_aside_). Heyday! At what a pace she goes, and how +she takes fire! + +ORO. I should very much like to know, Mr. de Pourceaugnac, for what +reason you.... + +JUL. (_approaches_ MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC, _looks at him with a +languishing look, and tries to take his hand_). How pleased I am +to see you! And how impatient I am to.... + +ORO. Hey! daughter, go away; will you? + +MR. POUR. (_aside_). What a free and easy young damsel! + +ORO. I should like to know what made you have the boldness to.... +(JULIA _continues as above_.) + +MR. POUR. (_aside_). By Jove! + +ORO. (_to_ JULIA). Again! What do you mean? + +JUL. May I not kiss the husband you have chosen for me? + +ORO. No; go in. + +JUL. Allow me to look at him. + +ORO. Go in, I tell you. + +JUL. I should like to stop here, if you please. + +ORO. I will not suffer it. If you do not go in immediately, I.... + +JUL. Very well then, I will go in. + +ORO. My daughter is a foolish girl who does not understand things. + +MR. POUR. (_aside_). How taken she is with me! + +ORO. (_to_ JULIA, _who has stopped_). You won't go. + +JUL. When will yon marry me to this gentleman? + +ORO. Never. You are not intended for him. + +JUL. I will have him, I will have him; you promised him to me. + +ORO. If I promised him to you, I take my promise back again. + +MR. POUR. (_aside_). She would fain eat me. + +JUL. Do what you will, we will be married in spite of everybody. + +ORO. I shall know how to prevent it, I forewarn you. What madness has +taken hold of her? + + + + +SCENE VII.--ORONTE, MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC. + +MR. POUR. I say, our intended father-in-law, don't give yourself so +much trouble; I have no intention of running away with your daughter; +and your pretence won't take at all. + +ORO. And yours will in no way succeed. + +MR. POUR. Did you think that Leonardo de Pourceaugnac is a man to buy +a pig in a poke, and that he has not the sense to find out what goes +on in the world, and to see if, in marrying, his honour is safe? + +ORO. I do not know what you mean; but did you take into your head +that a man of sixty-three years old has so little common sense, and +so little consideration for his daughter, as to marry her to a man +who has you know what, and who was put with a doctor to be cured? + +MR. POUR. This is a trick that was practised upon me, and there is +nothing the matter with me. + +ORO. The doctor told us so himself. + +MR. POUR. The doctor told a lie. I am a gentleman, and I will meet +him sword in hand. + +ORO. I know what I ought to believe, and you can no more impose upon +me in this matter than about the debts you are bound to pay on your +marriage day. + +MR. POUR. What debts? + +ORO. It is of no use to affect ignorance. I have seen the Flemish +merchant who with other creditors obtained a decision against you +eight months ago. + +MR. POUR. What Flemish merchant? What creditors? What decision +obtained against me? + +ORO. You know perfectly well what I mean. + + + + +SCENE VIII.--MR. DR POURCEAUGNAC, ORONTE, LUCETTE. + +LUC. (_pretending to be a woman from Languedoc_). [Footnote: +Somerset dialect is employed here.] Oh, yèu be yur, be'e! an' I've +avoun thee to làs, àrter all this yur tràepsin' vùrwurd an' backward. +Cans thee now, yèu rascal; cans leuk me in the fae-as? + +MR. POUR. What is it this woman wants? + +LUC. What do I want o' thee, yèu villun! Thee's mak wise neet to know +me, disn? an' thee disn turn rid nuther, èempodent oseburd that thee +art! What! thee witn turn colour vur to leuk me in the fae-as! +(_To_ ORONTE) I baent sàaf, Maister, nif'tis yèu that they do +zay 'ee weeshth vur to marry wi' the darter o'? but 'owsomever I +zwear to yèu, I be the weiv o' un, an' that zeben yur agone when 'ee +was a travellin' drue Pézenas, he made out, we' 'iz falseness, that +'ee knowth zo wul 'ow vur act vur to come over my 'art, an' zo by one +way or tother vur to git me vur to gèe unmy 'an vur to marry un. + +ORO. Oh! oh! + +LUC. The rascal lef me dree yur àrterwurds, purtendin' that 'eed agot +some bizness vur to deu in 'iz own country, an' ivur sinz I 'ant +ayeard no news at all o' un; but when I wadn thinkin' nothin' 'tall +'bout 'ee, I yeard 'em say as 'ow 'ee was acomin' yur, into this yur +town, vur to be amarried agee'an wi' another young ummun, that her +father an' mother 'd apromised teu un athout knowin' nothin' 'ow that +'ee was amarried avore. Zo I starts toràcly, an' I be acome yur to +this yur place so zeun's ivur I pausible keud, vur to staup this yur +wicked marridge, an' vur to show op, avore all the wurld, the very +wissest man that iver was. + +MR. POUR. What wonderful impudence! + +LUC. Eempurence! Baent yèu ashèe'amd o' yurzul vur to mak sport o' +me, 'stid o' bein' abroke down wi' eenward feelins, that thee wicked +'art aurt vur to gee thee? + +MR. POUR. Do you mean to say that I am your husband? + +LUC. Villun! dis dare to zay tidn zo? Ah! thee's know wul 'nuf, wiss +luck to me, that tis all zo treu's the Gauspel; an' I weesh to Heben +twadn zo, an' that thee'ds alef me so èenocent an' so quiet like eens +I used to be, avore thy charms an' thy trumpery, bad luck, made me +vur to 'sake it all! I nivur sheudn abin abrought down vur to be the +pour weesh thing that I be now--vur to zee my man, cruel like, mak a +laughin' sport of all the love that I've a 'ad vorn, an' lef me +athout one beet o' pity, vur the mortal pàin I've abeared, 'bout the +shee'amful way 'eev asàrd me. + +ORO. Really, I feel quite ready to weep. Go! you are a wicked man! + + + + +SCENE IX.--MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC, NÉRINE, LUCETTE, ORONTE. + +NER. (_pretending to be from Picardy_).[Footnote: Lowland Scotch +is employed here.] Oh! Aa can stand nowt more; aa'm rait winded! Ah! +good for nowt, thou's made me run well for it; thou'lt not 'scape me +now. Joostice! Joostice! Aa forbid the weddin. (_To_ ORONTE) +He's my ain man, Mast-ther, and as sh'd joost loik to ave him stroong +up, the precious hang-dog there. + +MR. POUR. Another! + +ORO. What a devil of a man! + +LUC. An' what be yèu a-tullin' o', wai yur vurbèedin' an' yur +'àngin'? Thiki man's yo-ur ùzban, is ur? + +NER. You're rait, Missis, an aa'm joost his woif. + +LUC. That's a lie then; 'tis me that's the rail weiv o' un; an eef +'ee ought vur to be a'ànged, why 'tis me that ought vur to 'ave it +adeud. + +NER. Me; aa can mak nowt o' that soort o' talk. + +LUC. I do tul 'ee 'ow that I be 'is weiv. + +NER. His woif? + +LUC. Ees fie! + +NER. Aa tell ye once more, that it's me at's joost that. + +LUC. An' I vows an' declares as 'ow tez me, my own zul. + +NER. 'Twere fowr yeer agone 'at he wed me. + +LUC. An' me, tez zeben yur sinz 'e teuk me vur 'iz weiv. + +NER. Aa can proove aal 'at aa say. + +LUC. All my naibours knowth ut. + +NER. Owr town can well witness to it. + +LUC. All Pézénas zeed us amarried. + +NER. All Sin Quintin helpt at owr weddin'. + +LUC. Thur cant be nort more saafur. + +NER. Nowt can be more sartin. + +LUC. (_to_ MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC). Dis thee dare to zay òrt gin +ut, yèu villun? + +NER. (_to_ MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC). Canst thou deny me, wicked man? + +MR. POUR. One is as true as the other. + +LUC. What èemperence! What, yèu rogue, yèu don't mind poor leedle +Franky an' poor leedle Jinny--they that be the outcomin's o' our +marridge? + +NER. Joost look, there's cheek! What! thou's forgot yon poor cheel, +owr little Maggy, 'at thou's lef me for a pledge o' thy faith? + +MR. POUR. What impudent jades! + +LUC. Yur Franky! Yur Jinny, come both o' ee, come both o' ee, come +an' mak yur bad rascal of a father own to 'ow ee've asàrd all o' us. + +NER. Coom hither, Maggy, maa cheel, coom heere quick, an' shame your +fayther of th' impudence 'at he's gotten. + + + + +SCENE X.--MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC, ORONTE, LUCETTE, NÉRINE, SEVERAL +CHILDREN. + +CHI. Fayther! fayther! fayther! + +MR. POUR. Deuce take the little brats! + +LUC. What yèu, villun, artn thee fit to drap, vur to tak to yur +chillurn arter jis farshin, an' to keep thee eyes vàs, 'feerd thee +mids show lig a father teu 'em? Thee shetn git away vrom me, yèu +scàulus oseburd! I'll volly thee ivery place, and cry op thee +wickedness 'gin I've asàrd thee out, an' 'gin I've amade thee zwing. +Rascal, I sheud like vur to mak thee zwing vor't, an' that I sheud. + +NER. Wilt not bloosh to spaik yon words, an' to tak no thowt o'th +kissin' o' yon poor cheel? Thou'lt not get clear o' ma claws; aa can +tell thee! an spoit o' thy showin' thy teeth, aa'l mak thee know 'at +aa'm thy woif, an' aa'l mak thee hang for it. + +CHIL. Fayther! fayther! fayther! + +MR. POUR. Help! help! Where shall I run? + +ORO. Go; you will do right to have him punished, and he richly +deserves to be hanged. + + + + +SCENE XI.--SBRIGANI (_alone_). + +Everything has been done according to my wish, and is succeeding +admirably. We will so weary out our provincial that he will only be +too thankful to leave the place. + + + + +SCENE XII:--MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC, SBRIGANI. + +MR. POUR. Ah! I am murdered! What vexation! What a cursed town! +Assassinated everywhere! + +SBRI. What is it, Sir? Has anything new happened? + +MR. POUR. Yes; it rains doctors and women in this country. + +SBRI. How is that? + +MR. POUR. Two jabbering jades have just been accusing me of being +married to both of them, and have threatened me with justice. + +SBRI. This is a bad business, for in this country justice is terribly +rigorous against that sort of crime. + +MR. POUR. Yes; but even if there should be information, citation, +decree, and verdict obtained by surprise, default, and contumacy, I +have still the alternative of a conflict of jurisdiction to gain +time, and a resort to the means of nullity that will be found in the +court case. + +SBRI. The very terms, and it is easy to see that you are in the +profession, Sir. + +MR. POUR. I? Certainly not; I am a gentleman. [Footnote: Compare act +i. scene v.] + +SBRI. But to speak as you do, you must have studied the law. + +MR. POUR. Not at all. It is only common sense which tells me that I +shall always be admitted to be justified by facts, and that I could +not be condemned upon a simple accusation, without witnesses, +evidence, and confrontation with my adverse party. + +SBRI. This is more clever still. + +MR. POUR. These words come into my head without my knowledge. + +SBRI. It seems to me that the common sense of a gentleman may go so +far as to understand what belongs to right and the order of justice, +but not to know the very terms of chicane. + +MR. POUR. They are a few words I remember from reading novels. + +SBRI. Ah! I See. + +MR. POUR. To show you that I understand nothing of chicane, I beg of +you to take me to a lawyer to have advice upon this affair. + +SBRI. Willingly. I will take you to two very clever men; but, first, +I must tell you not to be surprised at their manner of speaking. They +have contracted at the bar a certain habit of declaiming which looks +like singing, and you would think all they tell you is nothing but +music. + +MR. POUR. It does not matter how they speak, as long as they tell me +what I wish to know! + + + + +SCENE XIII.--MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC, SBRIGANI, TWO LAWYERS, TWO +ATTORNEYS, TWO SERGEANTS. + +1ST LAWYER (_drawling out his words_). + Polygamy's a case, you find, + A case of hanging. + +2ND LAWYER (_singing and speaking very fast_). + Your deed + Is plain and clear, + And all the gear + Of wigs and law + Upon this flaw + One verdict bear. + Consult our authors, + Legislators and glossators, + Justinian, Papinian, + Ulpian and Tribonian, + Fernand, Rebuffe, Jean Imole, [*] + Paul Castro, Julian Barthole, [*] + Jason, Aloyat, and Cujas + That mighty mind! + Polygamy's a case, you'll find, + A case of hanging. +[* Footnote: The French forms have been retained for the sake of the +rhyme.] + +BALLET, _while the_ 2ND LAWYER _sings as before_. + + All nations civilised, + French, Dutch, and English, + Portuguese, Germans, Flemish, + Italians and Spanish, + By wisdom's sceptre swayed, + For this the self-same law have made. + The affair allows no doubt, + Polygamy's a case, + A case of hanging. + +(MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC, _irritated, drives them all away_.) + + + + +ACT III. + +SCENE I.--ÉRASTE, SBRIGANI. + + +SBRI. Yes; everything is succeeding splendidly; and as his knowledge +of things is very shallow, and his understanding of the poorest, I +put him in such a terrible fright at the severity of the law in this +country, and at the preparations which were already set on foot to +put him to death, [Footnote: Bigamists were really put to death.] +that he is determined to run away, and in order the better to escape +from the people who, I have told him, are placed at the city gates to +stop him, he has decided upon disguising himself as a woman. + +ERA. How I should like to see him dressed up in that way! + +SBRI. Take care you carry out the farce properly; and whilst I go +through my parts with him, you go and.... (_Whispers to him_.) +You understand, don't you? + +ERA. Yes. + +SBRI. And when I have taken him where I mean.... (_Whispers_.) + +ERA. All right. + +SBRI. And when the father has been forewarned by me.... +(_Whispers_.) + +ERA. Nothing could be better. + +SBRI. Here is our young lady. Go quickly; she must not see us +together. + + + + +SCENE II.--MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC (_as a lady_), SBRIGANI. + +SBRI. For my part, I don't think any one can know you, and you look +exactly like a lady of birth. + +MR. POUR. I am so astonished that in this province the forms of +justice should not be observed. + +SBRI. Yes; as I have already told you, they begin by hanging a man, +and try him afterwards. + +MR. POUR. What unjust justice! + +SBRI. It is devilishly severe, particularly on this kind of crime. + +MR. POUR. Still, when one is innocent? + +SBRI. Ah me! They care little for that, and, besides, they have here +a most intolerable hatred for the people of your province; and +nothing gives them more pleasure than to hang a man from Limoges. +[Footnote: Molière seems to have had a grudge against Limoges. +Compare act i. scene i.] + +MR. POUR. What have the people from Limoges done to them? + +SBRI. How do I know? They are downright brutes, enemies to all the +gentility and merit of other cities. For my part, I am in the +greatest fear on your account, and I should never comfort myself if +you were hanged. + +MR. POUR. It is not so much the fear of death that urges me to fly as +the fact of being hanged, for it is a most degrading thing for a +gentleman, and would ruin one's title of nobility. + +SBRI. You are right; after such a thing they would contest your right +of bearing a title of nobility. [Footnote: Noblemen were beheaded.] +But, be careful, when I lead you by the hand, to walk like a woman, +and to assume the manners and the language of a lady of quality. + +MR. POUR. Leave that to me; I have seen people of high standing in +the world. The only thing that troubles me is that I have somewhat of +a beard. + +SBRI. Oh! it's not worth mentioning. There are many women who have as +much. Now, let us just see how you will behave yourself. (MR. DE +POURCEAUGNAC _mimics a lady of rank_.) Good. + +MR. POUR. Why, my carriage is not here! Where is my carriage? +Gracious me! how wretched to have such attendants! Shall I have to +wait all day in the street? Will not some one call my carriage for +me? + +SBRI. Very good. + +MR. POUR. Soho! there, coachman. Little page! Ah! little rogue, what +a whipping you will get by and by! Little page-boy! little page-boy! +Where in the world is that page-boy? Will that little page never be +found? Will nobody call that little page for me? Is my little page +nowhere to be found? + +SBRI. Marvellous! But there is one thing that I see does not do. This +hood is a little too thin; I must go and fetch you a thicker one, to +hide your face better in case of any accident. + +MR. POUR. What shall I do in the meantime? + +SBRI. Wait for me here. I will be back in a moment; you have only to +walk about. + +(MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC _walks forward and backward on the stage, +mimicking the lady of rank._) + + + + +SCENE III.--MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC, TWO SWISS. + +1ST SWISS (_without seeing_ MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC). Come you, make +haste, mein comrad, ve vill, both of us, go to ze market-place; to +zee dis Porcegnac at de chustice, which him contemns to pe hung py de +neck. + +2ND SWISS. (_without seeing_ MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC). Ve moost hire +one vindow to zee dis chustice. + +1ST SWISS. Man says dat zey alreaty a great new gallow plant hafe, to +hang dis Porcegnac to it. + +2ND SWISS. It will pe, yes, a great pleazure to see dis Limossin +hung. + +1ST SWISS. Ja! to see him vaggle de feet up zere pefor all de +peoples! + +2ND SWISS. He pe one funny man, he pe; man says dat he married dree +times hafe. + +1ST SWISS. Ze room fellow! he vant dree wifes all to himself! one +fery much pe quite enough for him. + +2ND SWISS (_perceiving_ MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC.) Ah! goot tay, +missy. + +1ST SWISS. Vat do you zere all by self. + +MR. POUR. I am waiting for my servants, gentlemen. + +2ND SWISS. You pe prooty, missy? + +MR. POUR. Gently, sirs. + +1ST SWISS. Missy, vill you come and amuse you on de market-place? Ve +will make you zee one little hanging fery prooty. + +MR. POUR. I am much obliged to you. + +2ND SWISS. It is a Limossin chentleman vat will hung pe fery prootily +at a great gallow. + +MR. POUR. I am not desirous to see it. + +1ST SWISS. You hafe one much funny prest.... + +MR. POUR. Ah! this is too much! and such odious things are not said +to a woman of my position. + +2ND SWISS. You go avay. + +1ST SWISS. Me vill let not you. + +2ND SWISS. Put I vill, I tell ye. (_Both lay hold of_ MR. DE +POURCEAUGNAC _roughly_.) + +1ST SWISS. I vill not let you. + +2ND SWISS. You hafe told one fery mooch lie. + +1ST SWISS. You hafe told one lie yourself. + +MR. POUR. Help! help! police! + + + + +SCENE IV.--MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC, THREE POLICE OFFICERS, TWO SWISS. + +OFF. What is it? what is the meaning of this violence? and what are +you doing to this lady? Be off at once, unless you wish to be put in +prison. + +1ST SWISS. Goot, you gone, you vill not hafe her. + +2ND SWISS. Goot, you gone too, you vill not hafe her also. + + + + +SCENE V.--MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC, THREE POLICE OFFICERS. + +MR. POUR. I am much obliged to you, Sir, for saving me from those +insolent fellows. + +OFF. Oh! oh! This is a face which is deucedly like that which was +described to me. + +MR. POUR. It is not I, I assure you. + +OFF. Oh! oh! what does this mean? + +MR. POUR. I don't know. + +OFF. What is it, then, that makes you say that? + +MR. POUR. Nothing. + +OFF. This manner of speaking is somewhat ambiguous, and you are my +prisoner. + +MR. POUR. O, Sir, I pray! + +OFF. No, no; to judge by your appearance and your manner of speaking, +you must be that Mr. de Pourceaugnac we are looking for, although you +are disguised in this manner, and you must come to prison at once. + +MR. POUR. Alas! + + + + +SCENE VI.--MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC, SBRIGANI, THREE POLICE OFFICERS. + +SERI. (_to_ MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC). Heavens! what does this mean? + +MR. POUR. They have discovered who I am. + +OFF. Yes, yes; I am delighted about it. + +SERI. (_to the_ OFFICER). Ah, Sir! for my sake! do not take him +to prison; you know that we have been friends a long while. + +OFF. I cannot help it. + +SBRI. You are a man to hear reason, Is there no way of adjusting this +matter with the help of a few pistoles? + +OFF. (_to his subordinates_). Go farther back. + + + + +SCENE VII.--MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC, SBRIGANI, A POLICE OFFICER. + +SBRI. (_to_ MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC). You must give him some money +for him to let you go. Be quick. + +MR. POUR. (_giving some money to_ SBRIGANI). Ah! cursed place. + +SBRI. Here, Sir. + +OFF. How much is there? + +SBRI. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten. + +OFF. No; I have express orders. + +SBRI. (_to the_ OFFICER, _who is going_). Pray wait. (_To +_ MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC) Be quick, give him as much again. + +MR. POUR. But.... + +SBRI. Be quick, I tell you; don't waste time; you would be happy, +would you not, if you were hanged? + +MR. POUR. Ah! (_Gives more money to_ SBRIGANI.) + +SBRI. (_to the_ OFFICER). Here, Sir. + +OFF. (_to_ SBRIGANI). I must go off with him, for I should not +be in safety here after this. Leave him to me, and don't stir from +this place. + +SBRI. I beg of you to take the utmost care of him. + +OFF. I promise you not to leave him one moment till I see him safe. + +MR. POUR. (_to_ SBRIGANI). Farewell! This is the first honest +man I have found in this town. + + + + +SCENE VIII.--ORONTE, SBRIGANI. + +SBRI. (_affecting not to see_ ORONTE). Ah! What a strange +adventure! What terrible news for a father! Poor Oronte, how much I +pity you! What will you say? How will you ever be able to bear with +such a misfortune? + +ORO. What is it? Of what misfortune do you speak? + +SBRI. Ah, Sir! This wretch of a Limousin has run away with your +daughter! + +ORO. Run away with my daughter! + +SERI. Yes; she became so infatuated with him that she has left you to +follow him. It is said that he has a charm to make all women fall in +love with him. + +ORO. Quick! Justice! Let the police be set after them! + + + + +SCENE IX.--ORONTE, ÉRASTE, JULIA, SBRIGANI. + +ERA. (_to_ JULIA). Come along; you shall come in spite of +yourself. I will put you in your father's hands. Sir, here is your +daughter, whom I had to take by force from the man with whom she was +running away; it is not for her sake that I did it, but entirely for +yours. For, after such conduct, I ought to despise her, and it is +enough to cure me altogether of my love. + +ORO. Ah! infamous girl that you are! + +ERA. (_to_ JULIA). How could you treat me in that way, after all +the proofs of affection I have given you? I do not blame you for +being obedient to your father's will; he is wise and judicious in all +he does; and I do not complain of him for having preferred another to +me. They told him that that other man was richer than I by four or +five thousand crowns, and four or five thousand crowns are a good +round sum, and are enough to make a gentleman break his word; but +that you should forget in a moment all the love I had for you, suffer +yourself to fall madly in love with the first new-comer, and +shamefully follow him; without the consent of your father, after all +the crimes that were charged upon him! It is what all the world will +condemn, and what my heart can never cease to reproach you with. + +JUL. Well, yes; I fell in love with him, and I wanted to follow him, +since my father had chosen him to be my husband. Whatever you may +say, he is a very honest man, and all the crimes they accuse him of +are so many detestable falsehoods. + +ORO. Be silent; you are an impertinent hussy, and I know better than +you. + +JUL. They are some tricks they have played him, and (_showing_ +ÉRASTE) it is he himself, no doubt, who managed it all, to disgust +you with him. + +ERA. What! I should be capable of such a thing? + +JUL. Yes, you. + +ORO. Be silent, I tell you. You are a silly girl. + +ERA. You need not think that I have any wish to prevent the match, +and that it is because I love you that I hastened to rescue you. I +have already told you that it is only because of the regard I have +for your father. I could not bear to see an honourable man exposed to +the shame of all the gossip that would be occasioned by such an +action. + +ORO. I am truly and sincerely obliged to you, Sir. + +ERA. Farewell, Sir! I had the greatest desire to enter into your +family; I did everything to deserve such an honour; but I have been +unfortunate, and you did not judge me worthy of that honour. It will +not prevent me from retaining towards you all those feelings of +esteem and regard which your person demands; and although I cannot be +your son-in-law, I shall always be at your service. + +ORO. Stay. Your behaviour touches my heart, and I give you my +daughter in marriage. + +JUL. I won't have any other husband than Mr. de Pourceaugnac. + +ORO. And I will have you marry Éraste at once. + +JUL. No; I will not. + +ORO. I shall give it you about the ears. + +ERA. No, no, Sir; don't use violence towards her, I pray you. + +ORO. I will have her obey me, and I will show her that I am the +master. + +ERA. Do you not see how fast in love she is with that man; and would +you have me possess the body while another has the heart? + +ORO. He has thrown some charm upon her. You may be sure that she will +change before long. Give me your hand. Come. + +JUL. No! + +ORO. Ah! What, rebellion! Your hand, I tell you, at once. Ah! + +ERA. Do not think that it is because of my love for you that I agree +to marry you; it is your father only I am in love with, and it is him +whom I marry. + +ORO. I am truly obliged to you, and I add ten thousand crowns to my +daughter's portion. Quick; a notary to draw up the contract. + +ERA. In the meanwhile, let us enjoy the pleasures of the season, and +fetch in those masks whom the report of Mr. de Pourceaugnac's wedding +has attracted hither. + + + + +SCENE X.--A BALLET + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's Monsieur de Pourceaugnac, by Poquelin (Moliere) + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MONSIEUR DE POURCEAUGNAC *** + +This file should be named 8prnc10.txt or 8prnc10.zip +Corrected EDITIONS of our eBooks get a new NUMBER, 8prnc11.txt +VERSIONS based on separate sources get new LETTER, 8prnc10a.txt + +This eBooks was produced as a DP project (Delphine Lettau PM) + +Project Gutenberg eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the US +unless a copyright notice is included. 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