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-The Project Gutenberg eBook of Caught napping, by Anonymous
-
-This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and
-most other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions
-whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms
-of the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at
-www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you
-will have to check the laws of the country where you are located before
-using this eBook.
-
-Title: Caught napping
-
-Author: Anonymous
-
-Release Date: January 14, 2023 [eBook #69793]
-
-Language: English
-
-Produced by: Charlene Taylor, Bob Taylor and the Online Distributed
-             Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net (This file was
-             produced from images generously made available by The
-             Internet Archive/American Libraries.)
-
-*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK CAUGHT NAPPING ***
-
-
-
-
-
-  Transcriber’s Note
-  Italic text displayed as: _italic_
-
-
-
-
-                    [Illustration: _Vide p. 21._]
-
-
-
-
-                           CAUGHT NAPPING.
-
-
-                           Third Edition.
-
-
-                               LONDON:
-               G. J. PALMER, 32, LITTLE QUEEN STREET,
-                        LINCOLN’S INN FIELDS.
-                                1866.
-
-
-
-
-                          Table of Contents
-
-                          Chapter I.     3
-                          Chapter II.   15
-                          Chapter III.  23
-
-
-
-
-                           CAUGHT NAPPING.
-
-
-                             CHAPTER I.
-
-                HOW I FOUND MYSELF IN THE CATACOMBS.
-
-
-I am an Anglican of the Anglicans, I mean that I am τετράγωνος a
-Perfect Man, with four angles impinging upon my neighbours and
-producing among them many a sore. Whithersoever I go, into whatsoever
-society, I take my angles with me. They do much damage, but they
-establish the principle of Anglicanism.
-
-My object in writing these lines is to announce a very remarkable
-phenomenon which occurred the other day, and which may prove of
-interest to the Psychologist.
-
-I was sitting in my study before the fire reading the _Guardian_,
-which is the 40th article of my creed, with my feet upon the
-mantle-piece, and my spectacles upon my nose. Whilst perusing with
-the utmost profit and gratification the letters of Messrs. Marriott
-and Milton on the Ritual question, an indescribable obfuscation
-stole over my faculties. My chin, which, on principle, I keep well
-elevated, sank upon my bosom, which is boney. My eyes began to close,
-an Æolean note issued at intervals from my nostrils. The _Guardian_
-slipped from my fingers, and to my obscured fancy appeared to slide
-away into utter vacuity. The ranges of books upon my shelves seemed
-to undergo changes. The library of Anglo-Catholic theology began to
-dance, whilst the library of the Fathers retired into vacuum—but not
-the same vacuum into which the _Guardian_ had slipped, one totally
-distinct.
-
-These facts will prove my abnormal condition.
-
-What Anglican, waking or dreaming would picture Sancroft and
-Andrews, Bull and Cosin, capering in a reel? I record my impressions
-circumstantially, as they led to a very extraordinary phase in my
-existence, for which I am totally unable to account. That I dreamt
-what follows is simply impossible; the phenomena of dreams depend
-entirely upon the existence of imaginative faculties, but these are
-entirely deficient in Anglican skulls. What I relate must therefore
-be regarded as _fact_; I am unable to account for the fact, but it
-is not required of man to understand or to intellectually grasp, in
-order to believe, certain facts which come to him on high authority.
-The human mind is finite, &c.... (A long passage follows apparently
-extracted from a sermon on the limits of reason, and its relation to
-faith, preached by our correspondent before a rustic congregation. We
-omit the passage as of interest only to the composer of the sermon.)
-Suffice it to say, that somehow, in an inappreciable moment of time
-I lost the thread of time, and only caught it again after the lapse
-of ages. How this was effected is to me inexplicable, I can only
-illustrate it by the analogy of a man ascending a slippery height and
-sliding back from the summit, to check himself in his rearward career
-by catching a shrub near the bottom. Space and time are related, our
-appreciations of each are parallel. I checked myself with a jerk
-after the lapse of a thousand and odd years in the midst of the times
-of persecution.
-
-I hate persecution.
-
-I found myself deposited, with all my Anglican principles and
-prejudices, in the city of Rome.
-
-I should have preferred Jericho.
-
-Suddenly I discovered myself standing candle in hand in the gloom of
-a Catacomb.
-
-The ventilation of the catacombs is most imperfect, and the close
-proximity of the dead to the living must be prejudicial to health,
-it should be made a matter of investigation by the sanitary
-commissioners.
-
-I traverse the passages with a feeling like lead upon my heart. This
-is caused by the consciousness that I am in an age of persecution.
-I by no means appreciate a condition in which Church and State do
-not work in harmony. If I could have left my mucous membrane in the
-nineteenth century I should not have minded; but a sense of discord
-between Church and State always agitates my nerves, which react upon
-the mucous membrane, and that extends over the whole body.
-
-On my walk I read the epitaphs inscribed on the monumental slabs.
-The spelling on some was shameful. The schools must be in a shocking
-state, or no such orthographic blunders would be tolerated, as
-“POLLECTA QUE ORDEV BENDET DE BIANOBA.” Some supervision should be
-exercised over the day schools. N.B. Speak to authorities about
-certificated masters. Recommend Battersea.
-
-I suddenly drew up before one slab and the colour rose to my cheek
-in righteous indignation. On it was inscribed, after the name of
-the defunct, “mayest thou rest in peace, and pray for us.” I ask
-any candid reader whether an Anglican could contemplate such an
-inscription with equanimity! Here was actually in an early age of
-the Church, a prayer for, and an invocation of, a departed soul.
-This was beyond endurance, I should have at once written to the
-Bishop about it, but that I was aware I should obtain no redress,
-the practice of prayers for the dead being as old as Christianity. I
-felt, moreover, true insular objection to having any communications
-whatsoever with such an individual as the Bishop of Rome. I therefore
-rambled about the catacombs in search of chisel and hammer, and
-having found these implements, I proceeded to deface the inscription.
-How many happy hours I could have spent in reducing the teaching
-of the catacombs to a closer accordance with the doctrines of
-our admirable Liturgy, by scraping off paintings and altering
-inscriptions!
-
-But I was afraid of detection.
-
-On turning an angle I came upon one of the subterranean chapels or
-churches. A congregation was assembled, and to my bewilderment, I
-ascertained that my presence was expected as priest.
-
-I tried to avoid this awkward situation; I objected to compromising
-myself, and it was only on mature consideration, and on reflecting
-that there was no one present who could convey information to any of
-my parishioners, that I yielded. A young man, a deacon in what the
-Ritualists call a dalmatic, proceeded to vest me. Some people think
-it a duty to do at Rome as the Romans do. I object to such want
-of principle, and if I acquiesced on this occasion, it was under
-protest. If I go to Rome or Thibet, I shall follow the custom I have
-instituted at Grubbington-in-the-Clay, North Devon, diocese Exon.
-
-Grubbington-in-the-Clay! sweet spot where I always preach in a
-surplice and black stole.
-
-Grubbington-in-the-Clay! a little heaven here below,[1] where I read
-the Church Militant every Sunday.
-
-Grubbington-in-the-Clay! where I have preached the doctrine of
-Baptismal Regeneration for fifteen years.
-
-Grubbington-in-the-Clay! thee no Ritualistic novelties excite, no
-approximations to Roman ceremonial agitate!
-
-But I am becoming poetical.—I have a wife and fourteen children (the
-last in arms) at Grubbington, from whom I am severed by a chasm of
-1,600 years.
-
-However, here I am in the subterranean church of the catacombs, being
-vested for Ma—— I mean for the Communion.
-
-I expend a considerable amount of time and much breath in protesting
-against these vestments. I object to an alb with tight sleeves and
-to a chasuble,—a chasuble! horror!—(N.B. Since my return to this
-century, my hair has become grey.)
-
-At Grubbington-in-the-Clay I wear a surplice with large sleeves
-like elephant’s ears, and an erect collar. O, for my surplice, my
-surplice! Alas! though I have relapsed through many centuries, that
-chaste article of ecclesiastical vesture looms in the remote future.
-I can go to it, but it cannot come to me.
-
-I point out to the deacon a painting upon the wall representing a
-man in white with two black stripes descending from his neck, a
-painting with which Mr. Marriott’s letter to the _Guardian_ had made
-me familiar, and I explain to the deacon that my soul lusts after
-a similar garb. He assures me that the picture represents an old
-woman, and not a priest. I then plead for at least a black stole
-without crosses, but am informed that the Church of Primitive times
-knows nothing of these ribands, so that I have to yield my body to be
-invested in the sacerdotal stole of the period, and I am forced into
-a magnificent chasuble of oriental cloth of gold, the offering of a
-wealthy Christian in Cæsar’s household.
-
-But my griefs are not yet over. The Communion Table is not a table
-at all. It has NO LEGS, but is a martyr’s tomb called an arcosolium,
-under a recess in the wall, the face of the “altar” being flush
-with the side walls, so that every possibility of turning the corner
-is precluded. Now, if there is a position in life which to an
-Anglican is bliss, it is to be like Chevy Slime, of Martin Chuzzlewit
-notoriety, “always round the corner, Sir!” There is a craving in his
-inmost soul for the North End, and as the needle points to the pole,
-so does the heart of the Anglican turn instinctively to that end of
-the table. Clap him down where you will, he sidles up by virtue of an
-internal guiding law to the North Side, and his soul only recovers
-its balance, and is in joy and peace, when he has safely doubled
-the corner. But here I was walled off from it. Now, to be vested in
-chasuble was bad enough, but to be debarred from turning the corner
-was beyond endurance; the last straw will break a camel’s back, and
-on seeing this impediment in my way I became stubborn. I might have
-borne the chasuble, as I could have smudged through the service at
-the North End according to the use of the Church at Grubbington—a use
-incomparably superior to those of Sarum, and York, and Hereford; but
-the two items together of vestment and a turning of my back to the
-people were too much for me.
-
-I lay down and kicked.
-
-At this moment there was a stir, and a foreign ecclesiastic entered.
-I now ascertained that the deacon and the congregation had been
-actuated by a mistake in endeavouring to make me celebrate. A
-Scythian priest was expected, and seeing me stroll into the
-subterranean chapel about the time, and perceiving that I was an
-utter stranger, they had pounced upon me.
-
-I was now set at liberty, and, though I strongly disapproved of
-non-communicating attendance, I assisted at the celebration of the
-Divine Mysteries.
-
-On account of the subterranean nature of the place, there was, I
-suppose, a necessity for the candles which the assistant ministers
-bore, and for the lighted lamps upon the altar. I tried to persuade
-myself also that the incense was used on account of the stuffiness
-of the atmosphere, through the imperfect ventilation of the
-catacomb, and the numerous interments which took place there. I
-afterwards explained to the deacon, that chloride of lime would
-prove more effectual, and that Burnett’s disinfecting fluid was
-highly recommended, and that the use of either of these would obviate
-the necessity of using thurible and incense-boat, thereby removing
-prejudice and cutting off occasion of superstition. The young man
-was totally unacquainted with Burnett, which is not to be wondered
-at, as that individual will not spring into existence for one
-thousand and six hundred and odd years. (I am afraid there is here
-an unavoidable confusion in times and tenses, necessitated by my
-peculiar circumstances.)
-
-The deacon assured me solemnly that the Church had ordered the use
-of incense, not as a disinfectant but as an offering of adoration,
-and that the rule of the Universal Church was enough for him,—which
-was impertinent of the young man. (N.B. Curates are evidently alike
-in all ages.) His name I ascertain was Laurence. He was afterwards a
-martyr. My church at Grubbington is dedicated to him.
-
-It is to me a matter of unceasing yet unavailing regret that Dr.
-Harold Browne was not an Iso-apostolic father, so that the Primitive
-Church might have had the benefit of perusing his work on the
-Thirty-nine Articles, the standard of nineteenth century Anglicanism.
-If this work had been then adopted as a text book of theology, what
-a revolution in ideas would have been produced, and I confidently
-believe that the number of martyrs would have been materially
-diminished. How full of novelty and of gratification it would have
-proved to the apostle of the Gentiles to ascertain that his words
-were capable of being twisted to establish Anglican theories, and O!
-glorious thought! the whole system of worship of the Early Church,
-instead of being modelled on the pattern of things in the Heavens,
-might have been brought to resemble the sublime simplicity of
-Morning and Evening Prayer at, for instance, Grubbington-in-the-Clay.
-Probably, moreover, the liturgies of S. Peter, S. James, and S.
-Mark, would have been materially modified in their expressions, and
-curtailed of much superfluous ceremony. Yet more, am I presumptuous
-in suggesting that the performance of the celestial liturgy as viewed
-by S. John, would have exhibited a less sacrificial and ceremonial
-character, and have been invested with the solemn simplicity and
-absence of sensational attractiveness which pervades English
-Cathedral worship?
-
-Thus musing, it flashed across my memory that I had a packet of the
-publications of the Anglo-Continental Society in my pocket before my
-relapse. I thought that the distribution of these works might prove
-of incalculable advantage to the Early Church. I felt for them in my
-breast pocket but missed them. It will always be a difficult matter
-to transfer publications (however valuable) back over a thousand
-years from the date of their issue, still the attempt might be made,
-and I strongly urge upon the Society to confine and concentrate its
-efforts for the future, on an attempt to convert the Primitive ages
-to the principles of the English Reformation.
-
-The practice of the Early Church in using unleavened bread and the
-mixed chalice, in elevating the Host and in reserving the Blessed
-Sacrament, cannot be too severely deprecated, whilst to a modern, the
-ancient offices present a mighty void which an extensive introduction
-of “Dearly Beloveds” alone could fill.
-
-
-FOOTNOTES:
-
-[1] Minus the lights and incense mentioned in Revelation.
-
-
-
-
-                             CHAPTER II.
-
-                 MY WALK WITH THE BLESSED LAURENCE.
-
-
-At the conclusion of the service, which to me savoured too strongly
-of ritualistic tendencies to be satisfactory, I entered into a long
-conversation with some of the Christians present. I explained to
-them that I was a priest from Britain, but they were, I found, very
-ignorant of the institutions of that favoured isle. Indeed, they
-regard me—_me_, the incumbent of Grubbington-in-the-Clay, and one
-who has been nominated for a Proctorship in Convocation—_me_ they
-regard as a Barbarian. I can afford to overlook such opinion founded
-in ignorance, conscious as I am of my superior acquaintance with
-the laws of natural phenomena, with the adaptations of science to
-the social advantage of mankind, and above all, with the eternal
-principles of the English Reformation. Eager to impart true knowledge
-to these Roman Christians, I narrated to them the history of the
-Established Church. I regret that my success was not equal to my
-zeal; this was partly owing to my accent, which had been acquired
-in English grammar schools, and which was somewhat remote from
-the pronunciation of Latin in Rome 1,600 years ago. Besides I had
-to narrate the history backwards from Queen Victoria’s reign to
-that of Henry VIII., then to sketch very briefly the history of
-pre-Reformation Christianity, dwelling chiefly on corruptions, till
-I reached the century in which I then was. The vacant expression
-on the countenances of my hearers struck me as resembling that
-which I invariably notice in my parishioners when I am preaching at
-Grubbington.
-
-Presently, however, a look of intelligence kindled up one or two
-faces, and a whisper passed from one to another relating to me,
-the subject of which I could not then conjecture. The eyes of the
-faithful now beamed on me with looks of compassion and tenderness,
-and I could hear sympathizing sighs and expressions, such as “Poor
-fellow!” “He looks cold!” “Released at last!”
-
-Anxious to escape this attention I turned to go.
-
-The deacon Laurence, who was a gentleman, though strongly imbued with
-the superstition of his times, offered very courteously to conduct
-me from the catacombs to my place of residence. I accepted his offer
-with profound gratitude, as I had not the remotest conception of
-where I was to reside. We traversed the passages for the most part in
-silence, occasionally I broke it by exclamations of dissatisfaction
-as inscriptions of questionable orthodoxy met my eyes.
-
-We did not converse much together till we emerged into the light of
-day, when I asked where I was to be lodged.
-
-The deacon replied that the venerable Pope Sextus usually transferred
-penitents from their own houses to the mansion of Donatella, where
-they could enter into retreat before the expiation of their sentence.
-
-“Eh!” I exclaimed, opening my eyes very wide.
-
-“After your long penitence, the Holy Father will doubtless at once
-remove the sentence and restore you to the communion of the Faithful.”
-
-“Eh!” I gasped again in sad bewilderment.
-
-“It must have been very cold up there,” mused the blessed Laurence:
-then after a pause he asked suddenly, “Where is the dog?”
-
-“What dog?” I enquired; and then aside, “Can he have heard anything
-of Ponto, my Newfoundland? Impossible!”
-
-“Why, the dog who has been with you so many ages.”
-
-I could only stare.
-
-“The dumb witness of your crime.”
-
-“Witness of my crime!” I echoed, with an inward hysterical feeling as
-though I wanted to laugh wildly.
-
-“Yes, of gathering sticks on the Sabbath.”
-
-“Sticks—Sabbath!” echoed I: “Why, who do you take me for?”
-
-“The man in the moon, of course,” replied the blessed Laurence
-demurely: “I need hardly say that your accent, your manner of
-talking, and your eccentricities have convinced me and other
-Christians that you can be no other than that celebrated individual,
-whose release has at length been effected by the prayers of the
-faithful, and who has come now to Rome to obtain absolution at the
-hands of the Bishop.”
-
-“I see,” said I, “I have not made myself sufficiently intelligible,”
-and I then proceeded to explain who and what I was, and where
-Grubbington-in-the-Clay was situated. After a great deal of talking
-I succeeded in making all clear, and the deacon then manifested
-great interest in the state of the Church in the remote province
-of Britain. He was anxious to know to what extent the persecutions
-raged there. I explained that it had greatly abated,—the only
-instance I could recall was a circumstance attributable rather
-to mischievousness than to malice—it was as follows:—Betsy Jane,
-that is my wife, has a favourite donkey on which she occasionally
-perambulates the parish, carrying the baby with her. A bad miller’s
-boy one day shortly before my lapse, put a bunch of sting-nettles
-under the brute’s tail. Neddy kicked frantically, as might have been
-expected, and precipitated Betsy Jane and the baby over his head.
-Providentially neither were hurt, though Jane’s gown was so torn as
-to necessitate the purchase of a new one.
-
-Laurence then enquired whether the Christians were able to assemble
-for the celebration of the Divine Mysteries in sacred buildings
-without interference. I said in reply that no impediment was placed
-in the way of the public recital of “Dearly Beloved,” or the
-attendance of the faithful on the administration of their clergy.
-
-His enquiries were next directed to the subject of the clergy.
-
-“Were the priests holy and blameless in life?”
-
-“Capital fellows, never better!” then after a pause, “A little
-hot-headed and rash perhaps, here and there,” alluding mentally to
-the advanced ritualists.
-
-“Given to hospitality?”
-
-“Very much so, no end of croquet parties in the summer.”
-
-“Devoted to fasting?”
-
-“Well, ahem! not much; but the fact of the climate of England must
-be taken into consideration, and the delicacy of digestion prevalent
-among the clergy.”
-
-“Eminent in good works?”
-
-“Very much so, very,—there’s Betsy Jane (my wife) who is indefatigable
-in visiting the poor and in attending the schools.”
-
-“How many Bishops are there in Britain?”
-
-“Twenty-eight, besides a few stragglers from the colonies come home
-to beg, or who have relinquished their sees to take Simeonite-trust
-livings.”
-
-“You seemed not to understand the sacerdotal vestments,” said
-Laurence, “have you no distinguishing marks of a priest in your
-remote land?”
-
-“Distinguishing marks. Oh, of course!”
-
-“What may they be?” he asked.
-
-“Why, let me see—collars.”
-
-“Yes.”
-
-“Whiskers.”
-
-“Yes.”
-
-“Well, and then the regular sacerdotal apparel of bands, and cassock,
-and surplice, and stole, and hood, and all that sort of thing.”
-
-“And the Bishops?”
-
-“Ah!” I exclaimed, “You should see an Anglican Bishop in full
-vestments! That is a sight not to be forgotten. I regard the Anglican
-episcopal costume to be the neatest thing out in ecclesiastical
-vesture. The view of a Bishop from behind is quite overwhelming.
-Stay! a bit of chalk, and a stick of charcoal—I will sketch him for
-you on this wall!” Fired with enthusiasm, I proceeded to delineate
-to the best of my abilities a member of the episcopal bench as
-viewed from the rear. Not being a good draughtsman my sketch was not
-artistically perfect, I was unable to foreshorten the feet, and I
-made the lawn sleeves look rather like balloons.
-
-Suddenly a pair of hands were placed upon my shoulders and I was
-roughly swung round. I found myself surrounded by a patrol of
-soldiers.
-
-“Carry him off,” said the leader of the guard, “he is a Christian
-necromancer; we have caught him in the act of drawing a magpie on
-the wall of Cæsar’s palace—a bird of ill omen—to bring ruin by his
-magical arts, on the house of the Augustus.”
-
-“It is an Anglican prelate,” said I, quaking.
-
-“It’s uncommonly like a magpie,” replied the soldier: “march him off
-to the prefect.”
-
-Laurence, as he brushed by me, said aside,
-
-“Oh, my father! a bottle of your blood shall be sent to your
-faithful flock at, What’s the name of the place?”
-
-“Bother!” growled I.
-
-As we turned a corner of the street, the roaring of the lions in the
-distant Flavian amphitheatre was borne down on my ear.
-
-A passing Christian exclaimed:
-
-      “The trumpet notes which sound to victory!”
-
-Oh, Betsy Jane, Betsy Jane! And the dear children! And the baby! What
-on earth shall I do?
-
-
-
-
-                            CHAPTER III.
-
-                   HOW I STOOD BEFORE THE PREFECT.
-
-
-I have never succeeded in adequately describing to Betsy Jane my
-feelings under escort to bonds and imprisonment, and perhaps worse;
-and if I failed in making the wife of my bosom appreciate the
-horrible anxiety under which I laboured during that walk, I must
-necessarily fail with the public. Not of course that I was alarmed on
-my own account, but I felt for my wife and family, and I was all of a
-tremble for Grubbington parish. Mrs. Starch, I mean Betsy Jane, has,
-since my return to the 19th century, insisted on my insuring my life.
-Perhaps had I been at the period of my lapse well insured, I could
-have faced the tribunal with greater equanimity. I put it plainly to
-myself,—here I am about to be judged, and perhaps sentenced to suffer
-excruciating agonies, in behalf of a Christianity which is not at
-all of my sort, or according to my liking. I am to be, possibly,
-gutted alive, or impaled, or fried like a herring, or flayed,
-and rubbed over with pepper and salt,—my nerves being unusually
-sensitive—all because I am supposed to be a member of a religious
-community which prays for the dead, uses superstitious ceremonial
-in the celebration of sacraments, and does not know anything of the
-principles of the Reformation! Am I prepared to undergo frightful
-tortures in witness to a faith which tolerates incense, lights, and
-vestments! Am I to relinquish for ever the prospects of croquet,
-archery, and other like clerical diversions, by submitting to the
-rack on behalf of a lot of Christians whose allegiance to the State
-is more than questionable? Suppose I am gutted, or impaled, or thrown
-to lions, or roasted on a gridiron, or burned in a tar barrel, what
-then?
-
-My bones or ashes will be collected, and “deposited in peace” in
-some vault of the catacombs; I shall be a saint, not the Rev. Edward
-Starch, but S. Edward, P. and M. My remains will be venerated by
-ignorant crowds of devotees. To these legs of mine will be given
-idolatrous worship, and a future Pope will, probably, send the
-severed joints of my backbone to be enshrined in gold in various
-Roman Catholic Churches in Christendom. My collar-bone may be
-encrusted in jewels at Toledo, my ganglions in Cracow. My little toes
-may be borne about by coped ecclesiastics in Austrian processions,
-and the exposition of my big toes may be the means of preventing a
-plague in Algiers. Now I may fairly ask myself am I justified in thus
-affording additional opportunities for the extension of superstition?
-
-If I could be quite certain that my relics would be disposed of in an
-Anglican manner, say, sent to the British Museum, why then the case
-would be altered. Or again, if I could be tried upon the principles
-of the Anglican Liturgy and the Thirty-nine Articles, cheerfully
-would I die, but for a religion which must be abhorrent to all
-readers of the _Times_, or the _Pall Mall_, or the _Guardian_, in as
-much as it closely resembles that of the 19th century ritualistic
-school:—
-
-                               NEVER!
-
-In arriving at this conclusion I suppose I lagged a bit, for one of
-my escort with his lance from behind progged me in a fleshy part,
-to make me walk a little quicker. I threatened him with law, but he
-laughed. Laughed at being threatened with law! In what a benighted
-condition Rome must be.
-
-We reached the court, and I was at once brought before the prefect,
-who happened to be then sitting. He had just disposed of a Roman
-Christian or two. One he had ordered to be smeared with honey and
-exposed to wasps and bees; another he had condemned to be hamstrung,
-a third to be hugged to death by a bear. An ugly prospect for my poor
-self—not that I considered self one moment, but I did feel keenly for
-my poor wife, whose feelings would be harrowed should she read the
-acts of my martyrdom in Ruinart.
-
-“Sirrah!” exclaimed the prefect, darting at me a malignant glance.
-“Who are you? Another Christian dog, eh?”
-
-I pulled up my shirt collar, and after a premonitory cough, replied
-with dignity and composure, “Illustrious Sir, allow me briefly and
-lucidly to explain to you the peculiar circumstances which have
-brought me into this predicament.”
-
-“Are you a Roman?” asked the judge in a surly manner.
-
-“No, my Lord, I am an Englishman, parson of Grubbington-in-the-Clay.”
-
-“Humph! I suppose you are a Christian.”
-
-“Christian is a broad term,” I replied, “and may mean anything. A
-Protestant and consistent Anglican I am, but I utterly repudiate all
-connexion with the Roman Church which I stoutly maintain, in the
-language of our incomparable Thirty-nine Articles, to have erred, not
-only in their living and manner of ceremonies, but also in matters
-of faith. I regard too, the Romish doctrine concerning purgatory,
-pardons, worshipping and adoration of images, as of reliques, and
-also invocation of saints, to be a fond thing vainly invented, and
-grounded upon no warranty of Scripture, but rather repugnant to the
-word of God. I do most stoutly maintain this, and show me the member
-of this Church who can stand against me in argument.”
-
-The prefect looked at me with a puzzled air, and then asked what I
-did believe.
-
-“I believe that Bishops, priests, and deacons, are not commanded
-either to vow the estate of single life, or to abstain from marriage:
-and therefore that it is lawful for them, as for all other men, to
-marry at their own discretion. I may add, that my wife entirely
-agrees with me on this point.”
-
-The prefect uttered an insulting remark with regard to my
-intellectual capabilities.
-
-“Are you a Christian?” he asked.
-
-I allowed that I was, “but”——. He cut me short as I was about to
-qualify the remark on the apostolic principle of being all things to
-all men, and not causing my brother to offend, and asked whether I
-would swear by the genius of the Emperor.
-
-“By all means,” I replied, “the powers that be—you know the rest;
-well, in Grubbington I have got a lion and unicorn over the chancel
-arch. I have the utmost reverence for secular authority, and the
-blindest devotion to the Crown.”
-
-“Have you any of the sacred writings in your possession?”
-
-I felt in my numerous pockets; I had failed before in my endeavour to
-discover a certain publication of the Anglo-Continental Society, in
-my breast pocket, I now explored one of the receptacles in the tail
-of my coat. Yes! I came on a packet of the tracts of that society,
-in Latin. I handed them at once to the prefect, who ordered his
-secretary to take them.
-
-“And,” continued he, addressing the executioner, “look out your
-apparatus of torture, Maximus. Here is a man who seems to be neither
-fish, nor flesh, nor fowl: he should have some special cooking.”
-
-“My Lord, shall I roast him?”
-
-“No, good Maximus, roasting is out of fashion.”
-
-“Shall I boil him?”
-
-“That is common-place.”
-
-“Fry him, my Lord?”
-
-“No, let us have some novelty; monotony is tedious.”
-
-“The little horse, the red hot pincers, the thumb screws, the leaded
-whips, are all stale,” mused the executioner, biting his thumb-nails
-and looking dumped. Presently, however, a ray of light illumined his
-face: “My Lord!” he said, looking up cheerfully, “it is an ancient
-tradition in the family of my mother, who came from a remote island
-of the northern seas, called Hibernia, that two cats were once shut
-up in a chamber at Kilkennœa, and they fought and fought till they
-had eaten each other all but the tails. My Lord, the prisoner seems
-to regard the Roman Christians with an antipathy similar to that
-recorded of the Kilkennœan cats, and this antipathy I presume is
-reciprocated. Will it please your worship to order the confinement,
-in an iron cage, of the deacon Laurence with this Britannic mongrel
-Christian. I confidently anticipate great entertainment to your
-Lordship, and I am satisfied that if you will condescend to inspect
-the cage to-morrow morning, nothing of the several parties will be
-discovered except the _os sacrum_ of each, which your Lordship is
-well aware, takes that place in man which, in the inferior order of
-mammals, is occupied by the tail.”
-
-“Capital!” exclaimed the judge, “and whilst Maximus is looking up the
-cage, and whilst the soldiers go in search of the deacon Laurence,
-Servius, do you read the pernicious writings which the prisoner has
-delivered over to us, and which the Christians regard with reverence.”
-
-The secretary began to read; my eyes wandered about the court,
-lighting on this and then on that instrument of torture. I saw a fire
-of charcoal with pincers in it quite red hot, and my flesh quivered.
-I saw a press under which Christians were sometimes flattened like
-pancakes. I saw barbed hooks for inserting into the muscles, wooden
-saws discoloured with blood, which had cut men in two. Indeed, I saw
-more than I dare describe. When I attempted to go into the details
-of what I beheld to my wife, she said “Now, don’t dear,” and I will
-refrain from doing so here, relying upon her superior judgment.
-
-Whilst I was examining all these horrible implements, the scribe
-read on in a monotonous voice the stirring words of one of the most
-pugnacious of the Anglo-Continental tracts. I now turned my gaze
-upon the audience, who had taken a cruel interest in the scenes of
-the court, and who were quite prepared to witness with relish the
-anticipated fight between Laurence and myself. My eyes lingered first
-on one and then on another. I soon observed their eyelids drooping,
-and a blank expression stealing over their faces. Still the scribe
-Servius read the bold statement of Anglican principles.
-
-In the corner I observed the bear which had hugged one Christian to
-death that morning, chained to a post. During the greater part of my
-trial, the brute had extended its arms in an endearing manner towards
-myself, and had been wagging its stump of a tail in the anticipation
-of giving me a warm embrace. The bear now coiled itself up on the
-floor, and went fast asleep. I now looked at the prefect. His eyes
-were closed. Evidently the publication of the Anglo-Continental
-Society had made a profound impression upon him. Yes! but of a kind
-I had not anticipated. He, too, was asleep. I heard him snore. The
-scribe’s voice began to falter, the sentences became broken. He went
-to sleep also. I glanced round the court. Every one was enjoying the
-repose which is brought on upon so many by a dose of laudanum, or a
-perusal of the leading articles of the _Guardian_.
-
-I seized the opportunity and stepped lightly out of the court. The
-guards at the door were vigorously trumpeting through their noses; on
-them too had the Anglo-Continental tract produced this happy effect.
-In another moment I was in the street—I was free: I gave a whoop of
-exultation, and—
-
-                        WOKE UP IN MY STUDY.
-
-
-
-
-  Transcriber’s Notes
-
-  Created Table of Contents
-  pg 13 Changed am I presumptuous is to: in
-  pg 20 Added the word who after: there’s Betsy Jane (my wife)
-  pg 21 Added comma after: said aside
-  pg 24 Changed period after: is more than questionable to:
-         a question mark
-  pg 29 Changed an antipathy similiar to: similar
-  pg 29 Removed repeated word: in the the inferior
-
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