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diff --git a/old/69690-0.txt b/old/69690-0.txt deleted file mode 100644 index 14559f8..0000000 --- a/old/69690-0.txt +++ /dev/null @@ -1,2403 +0,0 @@ -The Project Gutenberg eBook of Look out for paint, by Cornelius Shea - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and -most other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions -whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms -of the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at -www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you -will have to check the laws of the country where you are located before -using this eBook. - -Title: Look out for paint - A farce comedy in three acts - -Author: Cornelius Shea - -Release Date: January 2, 2023 [eBook #69690] - -Language: English - -Produced by: Charlene Taylor and the Online Distributed Proofreading - Team at https://www.pgdp.net (This file was produced from - images generously made available by The Internet - Archive/American Libraries.) - -*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK LOOK OUT FOR PAINT *** - - - - - - A. W. Pinero’s Plays - - Price, 50 Cents Each - - - =THE AMAZONS= Farce in Three Acts. Seven males, five - females. Costumes, modern; scenery, not difficult. Plays a - full evening. - - =THE CABINET MINISTER= Farce in Four Acts. Ten males, - nine females. Costumes, modern society; scenery, three - interiors. Plays a full evening. - - =DANDY DICK= Farce in Three Acts. Seven males, four females. - Costumes, modern; scenery, two interiors. Plays two hours - and a half. - - =THE GAY LORD QUEX= Comedy in Four Acts. Four males, ten - females. Costumes, modern; scenery, two interiors and an - exterior. Plays a full evening. - - =THE HOUSE IN ORDER= Comedy in Four Acts. Nine males, four - females. Costumes, modern; scenery, three interiors. Plays - a full evening. - - =THE HOBBY HORSE= Comedy in Three Acts. Ten males, five - females. Costumes, modern; scenery easy. Plays two hours - and a half. - - =IRIS= Drama in Five Acts. Seven males, seven females. - Costumes, modern; scenery, three interiors. Plays a full - evening. - - =LADY BOUNTIFUL= Play in Four Acts. Eight males, seven - females. Costumes, modern; scenery, four interiors, not - easy. Plays a full evening. - - =LETTY= Drama in Four Acts and an Epilogue. Ten males, five - females. Costumes, modern; scenery complicated. Plays a - full evening. - - =THE MAGISTRATE= Farce in Three Acts. Twelve males, four - females. Costumes, modern; scenery, all interior. Plays two - hours and a half. - - - Sent prepaid on receipt of price by - Walter H. Baker & Company - No. 5 Hamilton Place, Boston, Massachusetts - - - - - Look Out For Paint - - A Farce Comedy in Three Acts - - By - CORNELIUS SHEA - - - BOSTON - WALTER H. BAKER & CO. - 1912 - - - - - Look Out For Paint - - - - - CHARACTERS - - (_As originally produced in Tottenville, N. Y., June 9, 1911_). - - - HIRAM RODNEY, _owner of “High Up Farm”_ _Mr. Frank J. Dolan_. - PERCY HEARTACHE, _an artist, in love - with Rodney’s daughter Helen_ _Mr. Benjamin B. Cole_. - HICKORY HOMESPUN, _a bashful farmer, who - is well to do_ _Mr. J. J. Malle_. - TROTWELL ROAMER, _a tramp, who is a - painter by trade_ _Mr. Edward Johnson_. - BILL, _a big, good-natured boy who does - the chores_ _Mr. Arthur Parsons_. - SUSAN RODNEY, _the farmer’s wife_ _Miss Cecilia Stern_. - HELEN RODNEY, _the farmer’s daughter_ _Miss Lena S. Hoehn_. - HATTIE RENWICK, _a stenographer from the - city, past thirty and anxious to wed_ _Miss Marvel Matthes_. - LUCINDA WHEATCHAFF, _a widow in love with - Hickory Homespun_ _Mrs. Willis Larkin_. - - - TIME:—The present. LOCALITY:—A farm in the upper part - of New York State. - - Time of performance, one hour and a half. - - - [Illustration: (Publisher colophon)] - - - COPYRIGHT, 1912, BY WALTER H. BAKER & CO. - - - SYNOPSIS - -ACT I.—Dining-room at “High Up Farm.” The arrival of the boarder -from the city. The two letters. The farmer decides to have his -sailboat painted, since the summer boarders have begun to come. - -ACT II.—Lawn at “High Up Farm.” Heartache is much perplexed. Helen -helps him fix it. The tramp. The plot. Hattie is surprised. “He has -disguised himself to test the depths of my devotion.” The tramp -tries to escape. - -ACT III.—Same as Act II. An embarrassing mistake. “Look out for -paint.” Miss Renwick decides that she don’t want a husband. The -widow wins. Bill settles it all. - - - COSTUMES - -It will be necessary for Hattie and Helen to change. Hattie is to -be stylishly gowned in summer apparel when she enters in first act. -Helen to fit the occasion, as a farmer’s daughter when at work -about the house, and also “dressed up” to receive visitors. Bill in -ridiculous make-up and big straw hat. Percy in rather dudish style. -Roamer in ragged coat and overalls. Hiram as a farmer at work. -Hickory “dressed up” a little. Lucinda as a widow just discarding -her weeds. Susan with apron, etc. - - - PROPERTIES - -Churn, table, chairs, benches, etc., broom, feather duster and -ordinary furnishings for common sitting-room; table is set on lawn -during intermission between second and third acts Sign, “Cow for -Sale.” Two paint cans, with brushes. - - - - - Look Out for Paint - - - - - ACT I - - - SCENE.—_Sitting-room of the “High Up Farmhouse.”_ - - _Enter_ HIRAM RODNEY, _drying hands with big, coarse towel_. - -HIRAM. So it’s city boarders we’re going to have, eh? An’ one -is comin’ to-day! Well, I don’t think a whole lot of this pesky -business, but Susan got it in her head to take ’em, so I s’pose -she’s got to have her way about it. Women-folks generally does -have their own way, anyhow. I know Susan does; she always has, -too. But it’s all right. A little cash money from boarders will -come in mighty handy, I calculate. It’s been so dry that it looks -as though the corn crop is going to be a rank failure. An’ the -hay——(_Voices and laughter outside._) Hello! What’s this? Bill -has brought the new boarder over from the depot, I s’pose. (_Goes -to door at_ C.) Yes, sure enough, she’s come. My! but ain’t she -dressed up! Paint an’ powder on her face, too! An’ Bill is luggin’ -in her trunk. - - _Enter_ BILL, _carrying trunk, followed by_ HATTIE RENWICK. - -BILL. Here we are, Mr. Rodney. I found her all right. Ain’t she -a stunner? I’ll bet that dress an’ hat of hers cost more’n five -dollars, bergosh! Ain’t she—— - -HIRAM. Shet up, you fool! Don’t you know how to act when we’ve got -company? - -HAT. (_graciously_). Oh, don’t mind him. I think Bill is just too -cute for anything. He is so witty in his conversation that I just -enjoyed myself riding over from the depot. (_Laughs lightly and -glances killingly at_ BILL, _who curtsies and then struts around -like a peacock_.) So this is High Up Farm, I suppose? - -HIRAM. Yes, miss, that’s just what it is. Be you Miss Hattie -Renwick, the new boarder? - -HAT. Yes, that is who I am, sir. I suppose you are Mr. Rodney? - -HIRAM. That’s me. I’m the boss of this here place—when Susan ain’t -around, I mean. (_Footsteps at_ L.) Here she comes now. She’ll look -after you all right, miss. Susan knows her business. - - _Enter_ SUSAN RODNEY, _from kitchen at_ L. - -HAT. Mrs. Rodney, I presume? - -SUSAN (_bowing and smiling_). Yes, that’s who I be. You are the -young lady come here to board, I take it? - -HIRAM. That’s who she is, Susan. Jest look after her, will you? -(_To_ BILL.) Take that trunk up-stairs, Bill, an’ hurry up about -it. I’ve got to send you back to the village before you unhitch the -mare. I wanted you to do an errand for me, but you went off without -me knowin’ it. Hurry up now. - -BILL. All right. I’ll git this here trunk up-stairs in a jiffy. -(_Tries to lift trunk and falls over it._) Gosh! I missed my hold -that time. (_To_ HAT.) Say, miss, there ain’t no crockery in this, -is there? - -HAT. (_laughing_). No crockery, Bill. - -BILL. All right, then. - - (HIRAM _helps him and the two exeunt with trunk at_ R.) - -HAT. (_looking about room and breathing a sigh of relief_). What -a relief to get out of the crowded, dusty city. I am so glad I am -here. - -SUSAN. You ought to be, Miss Renwick. There is nothing like the -dear old country, after all. Shall I show you to your room? - -HAT. If you please, Mrs. Rodney. - - _Enter_ HIRAM _and_ BILL, R. _Exeunt_ SUSAN _and_ HAT., R. - -HIRAM. Now, Bill, I want you to drive over to the village and tell -Jim Styles to send a man over here to paint ther boat just as soon -as he kin. Since we’re goin’ ter have boarders, we’ve got to have -the boat so they kin use it on the lake. Tell him it’s white paint -for the outside an’ yaller inside. Don’t you forgit, Bill. - -BILL. I won’t. But I’ll have to bring in an armful of wood first. I -seen there wasn’t any in ther wood-box when I come in. - -HIRAM. Mighty thoughtful of you all at once. - -BILL. Say! but ain’t the new boarder a daisy? - - (_Laughs uproariously._) - -HIRAM. Pshaw! You don’t think that city gal would take any notice -of you, do yer? - -BILL. I don’t, eh? That’s as much as you know about it. Why, she -told me I was a fine specimen of a healthy young farmer. (_Draws -himself up proudly._) An’ she give me a dig in ther ribs, too. -She’s a reg’lar peach! (_Laughs loudly again._) - -HIRAM. You’re a born fool, Bill, an’ you don’t know it. That gal -was jest makin’ fun of yer, that’s all. - - [_Exeunt_ HIRAM _and_ BILL. - - _Enter_ HELEN RODNEY, _with bunch of flowers in her hand_. - -HEL. I see the buggy outside, so I suppose our boarder has arrived. -I wonder how she looks? She wrote that she is a stenographer in -New York, and the letter was typewritten, too. By the way it read, -she must be very much of a lady. Well, as there is no one here -now, I’ll take my chance to write a note to Percy. I know mother -won’t object, so I’ll invite him over to take tea with us to-morrow -afternoon. Percy is just too sweet for anything; and he is an -artist, too! I hope the new boarder is not good-looking, so there -will be no danger of her cutting me out. (_Opens drawer in stand -and takes out paper, pen and ink and writes._) There! (_Holds up -note she has written._) That is rather brief, but it will answer -the purpose, I know. Percy will be delighted to come, too. When -mother and father see him and get acquainted with him they won’t -mind if he comes often, I am sure. (_Reads._) “Dear Percy, come -over to-morrow afternoon and take tea with us. Pa and ma will -be pleased to see you. Yours lovingly, H. R.” (_Places paper in -envelope and addresses it._ BILL _is heard whistling outside_.) -Here, Bill, I want you. Hurry up. - - (BILL _enters on a run and stumbles, throwing an armful of - wood on the floor_.) - -BILL (_on his hands and knees_). What do yer want, Helen? - -HEL. Get up, stupid. I want you to take this letter to the -post-office some time to-day. - -BILL (_taking letter_). All right, Helen. I’ve got to go to ther -village right away, an’ I’ll mail ther letter for yer. - -HEL. Well, see that you don’t lose it. Here is ten cents for you. - -BILL. Hooray! I’ll buy a mouth-organ now. Then I’ll make some -mew-sick around High Up Farm, see if I don’t. Helen, you never -heard me play a mouth-organ, did yer? - -HEL. No; and I don’t wish to hear you, either. Just pick up that -wood and be off with you. - -BILL (_gathering up the sticks of wood_). All right, Helen. I -forgot to thank you for this dime. - - (_Puts coin in mouth and then goes off_ L.) - - (_Exit_ HEL., C. _Enter_ HAT., R.) - -HAT. Oh! Here is pen, ink and paper. Just what I want. I -wonder if I could get that simple fellow, Bill, to go over to -the post-office? I must let Percy know I am here. Won’t he be -surprised! What a romance, indeed. We have never seen each other, -nor even exchanged photographs, but I am sure he loves me, or -he would never have answered my second letter after reading my -advertisement in a matrimonial paper. When I found High Up Farm was -so near the village he is stopping in I could not make arrangements -to come here quickly enough. How delightful! How romantic! I’ll -just write him a few words to let him know I am here. I will -ask him to come over to-morrow afternoon. Just think of it! How -romantic it will be! I am sure I will know him, for I can imagine -just how he looks from his letters. And he is an artist, too. -Very, very romantic! (_Sits down and writes._) There! I think this -will do. (_Reads._) “Dear Percy: I have just arrived at High Up -Farm and will be pleased to meet you here to-morrow afternoon. -I know how surprised you will be when you read this, and feel -sure that when you see me you will not be sorry you answered my -matrimonial advertisement, which was really inserted more in a -spirit of mischief than anything else. Yours, lovingly, H. R.” -(_To audience._) That ought to land him, if anything will. Since -I have decided to get married, I must go the limit. I must land -this handsome young artist—I know he must be handsome, for artists -always are—and I will surely look my best to-morrow afternoon. -I wonder where that big booby, Bill, is? (BILL _heard whistling -outside_.) Oh! there he is now. (_Walks to_ L.) Come here, Bill; I -want you. - - _Enter_ BILL, _whip in hand_. - -BILL. What do you want, miss? - -HAT. When are you going over to the village again? - -BILL. Right now. Kin I do anything for yer? - -HAT. (_sealing note in envelope_). Yes; take this letter to the -post-office for me. (_Writes address on envelope._) - -BILL. All right, Miss Daisy; I’ll do it for yer. - -HAT. My name isn’t Daisy. - -BILL. Well, you’re a daisy, jest ther same. - -HAT. (_laughing_). Do you think so, Bill? - -BILL. I don’t think so; I know it, bergosh! - -HAT. None of that, Bill. I know you don’t mean a word of what you -say. You are just like the rest of the men. - -BILL (_pulling up trousers and strutting about with chest thrown -out_). Rest of ther men, eh? Well, I always thought I was nothin’ -but a boy yet. But if you say I’m a man, I must be, Daisy. - -HAT. (_handing him letter and piece of money_). Here is a quarter -for you. Take the letter and be sure and mail it. That’s a good boy. - -BILL (_starting toward_ L.). Boy, eh? A minute ago I was a man. -Well, that’s jest like ther wimmen-folks. They say one thing an’ -mean another. - - (_Laughs loudly and goes off_ L. HAT. _goes off_ C.) - - _Enter_ SUSAN, R. - -SUSAN. Now I suppose I must get dinner ready. The new boarder is -most likely hungry, an’ I want her to be satisfied. Six dollars a -week ain’t to be sneezed at these times. - - (_Starts for_ L., _when_ HEL. _enters_.) - -HEL. Mother, I have asked a young man to come over and take tea -with us to-morrow. You don’t object, do you? - -SUSAN. Young man? You mean that painter you’ve talked so much about -in the last week or two, I s’pose? - -HEL. Not painter, mother. He is an artist. - -SUSAN. Well, ain’t a painter an artist? I call him a painter, an’ -I don’t think he amounts to much, though I ain’t never set eyes on -him. - -HEL. (_taking_ SUSAN’S _face in her hands_). Oh, mother, you will -surely change your opinion when you see him once. He is just too -sweet for anything. He is very wealthy, too, and I happen to know -that he has more than an ordinary fondness for me. - -SUSAN (_disengaging herself from_ HEL.). All girls are alike at -your age. Well, let him come, if he wants to. I was thinking of -inviting the widow over to-morrow afternoon, so Miss Renwick would -have company. Most likely she’ll find it rather lonesome here at -first. Hick Homespun told your father he was coming over to look at -the brindle cow which is for sale, to-morrow afternoon, so it will -just come in fine. The widow has set her cap for Hick, an’ I’ve -made up my mind to help her along all I can. Yes. Let the painter -come over, an’ we’ll have a little party. - -HEL. And we won’t say anything about it to father, or the boarder, -mother. Let’s make it a surprise party, as far as they are -concerned. - -SUSAN. Very well, Helen. I was goin’ to tell your father, but if -you want him surprised it’s all right. - -HEL. Where is the new boarder, mother? I haven’t seen her yet. - -SUSAN. She is up in her room. She seems to be a very nice girl. - -HEL. Is she good-looking? - -SUSAN. Very. She reminds me of one of them pictures you see in the -fashion books. (_Starts._) I hear her coming downstairs now. I’ll -introduce you right away. - - _Enter_ HAT., R. - -HAT. Has Bill gone yet, Mrs. Rodney? I have just discovered that -I failed to bring my tooth powder with me, and if there is a drug -store at the village I want him to get me some. - -SUSAN. I’ll see if Bill has gone yet, Miss Renwick. (_Goes to door -at_ C., _and looks out_.) There! he is going now. Hey, Bill! Come -back here. You’re wanted. (_Comes back._) Miss Renwick, let me make -you acquainted with my daughter Helen. - - (HEL., _who has been studying the new boarder, advances a - step and bows_.) - -HAT. I am very glad to meet her, I am sure. How do you do, Miss -Rodney? (_They shake hands._) - -HEL. I am quite well, I thank you. I hope you will like it here at -High Up Farm. - -HAT. I hope so; but it does seem rather slow here at the start. You -see, I am so used to the gay life of the city, with the theatre -parties every night or two, and the receptions and balls. It is so -different in the country. But I will get used to it, I know. - -HEL. Miss Renwick, do stenographers have such enjoyment in the -city? They must draw large salaries. - -HAT. Oh, they do. But of course they don’t use their own money for -such pleasures. The fellows attend to that part of it—young men -interested in Wall Street, and the like, you know. - -HEL. Oh, I see. It must be delightful to live in the city and be a -stenographer. - - _Enter_ BILL _hurriedly from_ C. - -BILL. What do yer want, Missus Rodney? You jest stopped me in time. -If I hadn’t waited to fix ther mare’s traces you wouldn’t have got -me. - -HAT. (_smiling graciously_). It is I who want you, Bill. - -BILL. Oh, it’s you, eh, Daisy? - -HAT. What did I tell you about calling me Daisy? - -BILL. Excuse me. I’ll change it an’ call you Peach, then. - -HAT. Stop your nonsense, Bill. (_Takes money from purse and hands -it to him._) There! Stop at the drug store and get me a box of -tooth powder. If you can’t get powder, get paste. - -BILL. An’ if I can’t git paste I’ll git a bottle of mucilage. - -HEL. The idea, Bill! Mucilage! People don’t use such stuff as that -to clean their teeth. - -BILL. If they was false it would be good to stick ’em to ther gums. - -HAT. (_sharply_). Bill, I want you to understand that my teeth are -all my own. - -BILL. Of course, Daisy—I mean Peach. Whose would they be? If -you’ve got false ones most likely you paid for ’em. Whose would -they be? (_Goes to door at_ C., _laughing_.) But all right, Peach. -I’ll git ther tooth powder for yer. I won’t forgit. I’m goin’ to -buy a set of clappers with that quarter you give me afore. Then, -with a new mouth-organ an’ ther clappers, there’ll be a regular -band of music around High Up Farm. [_Exit._ - -HEL. Mother, that boy is getting to be a regular nuisance. The idea -of him speaking that way to a stranger! - -HAT. Oh! I don’t mind him, Miss Rodney. Bill isn’t exactly all -right. I noticed that when he met me at the depot. He means no -offense, I am sure. His comical actions and remarks help take away -the dullness. Bill is all right. - -SUSAN. Well, we’ve had him ever since he was about ten years old, -an’ he’s always been pretty faithful. I s’pose he can’t help it if -he’s a little loose in his upper story. Most likely he was born -that way. - -HEL. Quite likely, mother. - -HAT. (_sitting down_). Miss Helen, are there many good-looking -young farmers around here? - -HEL. There are plenty of young men in the neighborhood, Miss -Renwick. But as to their good looks, I suppose you would be better -able to judge than I. You reside in the city, and I presume you see -so many handsome young men that you would not think much of those -you will meet here in the country. As for myself, I don’t care a -great deal for farmers. - -SUSAN. Shame on you, Helen! You, a farmer’s daughter, talkin’ like -that. - -HEL. I can’t help it, mother; just because I was born on a farm -don’t say that I should be a farmer’s wife. - -HAT. Why, I think that would be delightful, provided the husband -could give his wife all she wanted. Plenty of fine dresses, a horse -and carriage, and a nice automobile. Farmers usually are very -wealthy, I have heard. - -SUSAN. Well, there ain’t many rich ones around here, Miss Renwick. -About the only one anywhere around here who’s got plenty of money -is Hick Homespun, an’ his father left it to him. Hick never earned -it, though he does know pretty well how to keep it. - -HAT. Hick Homespun! What a funny name, Mrs. Rodney. - -SUSAN. Yes, it is a sorter old-fashioned name. But Hick is all -right, just the same. - -HEL. His given name is Hickory, but every one calls him Hick, for -short. - -HAT. Is he married? - -HEL. No, he is a bachelor farmer. - -SUSAN. But he ain’t likely to remain a bachelor very long. Lucinda -Wheatchaff, the widow, has set her cap for him. She’ll catch him, -too, for Lucinda has very winnin’ ways. She made up her mind to -get Hank Wheatchaff, an’ she jest went ahead an’ got him. But Hank -didn’t live more’n a year, an’ when he died he left the widow a -nice little farm an’ a few thousands in cash. Lucinda will win Hick -all right, though he’s an awful bashful man. She’ll—— (_Knock at -door_ C.) As I live! I believe that’s the widow now. I always know -her knock. (_Calls out._) Come in. - - _Enter_ LUCINDA WHEATCHAFF. - -LUC. Hello, everybody! Isn’t this a lovely day? (_Sees_ HAT.) Oh! -excuse me, Mrs. Rodney. I wasn’t aware that you had company. - -SUSAN (_introducing them_). Mrs. Wheatchaff, this is our new -boarder, Miss Renwick, of New York. - -LUC. How do you do, Miss Renwick? We country folks are always glad -to meet city folks. - -HAT. (_graciously_). It gives me great pleasure to make your -acquaintance, Mrs. Wheatchaff. - - (_They shake hands, the widow very demonstrative._) - -HEL. Lucinda, I was just telling Miss Renwick about Hick. She -wanted to know if there were any nice young men around here. - -LUC. Oh, she wanted to know that, eh? (_Sizes up_ HAT. _critically, -and then gives a sniff_.) Well, I hardly think Hick Homespun would -suit her. Hick has got an awful objection to paint and powder, too. -He wouldn’t be apt to take to Miss Renwick. - -HAT. (_with sweet sarcasm_). Indeed! Mrs. Wheatchaff, you are very -blunt in your way of speaking, I see. But if the gentleman referred -to objects to paint and powder, how do you ever expect to win him? - -LUC. (_holding up her hands in surprise_). Me? As if I wanted -another man! I’ve had one, and I am sure that is enough. (_Picks -up her parasol and walks about indignantly._) But say! (_Pauses -before_ HAT. _and shakes parasol at her_.) If you think you can get -Hick Homespun to take any notice of you, go ahead. I’m sure it is -nothing to me. But I don’t believe—— - - (_Loud noise outside, and_ HIRAM _enters in great excitement_.) - -HIRAM. Susan, get the gun—quick! There’s a big chicken-hawk after -the old dominick hen an’ her chickens. Hurry, Susan! - - (_Exit_ SUSAN _hurriedly at_ R. HEL. _grabs a feather - duster_, HAT. _seizes broom which_ SUSAN _has left in a - corner of the room, and_ LUC. _waves her parasol_. SUSAN - _enters_ R. _with gun. Then_ HIRAM _grabs the gun and all - rush out excitedly. Report of gun is heard._) - - - QUICK CURTAIN - - - - - ACT II - - - SCENE.—_Lawn of the “High Up Farmhouse.” Day later. A few - chairs and benches scattered about. Churn near side of - house. Sign: “Cow for sale” on tree._ - - _Enter_ PERCY HEARTACHE, L. - -PERCY (_perplexed_). Well, this is a great state of affairs. I don’t -know how I am to get out of the mess I am in. Who would ever have -dreamed of such a thing as that girl I corresponded with through the -foolish matrimonial advertisement would be here? Why, I never saw -her, and I only answered her letters for fun. The idea of her going -so far as to come here to board! It is ridiculous. But to make -matters worse (_shaking his head sadly_) Helen sends me an invitation -to come over this afternoon and get acquainted with her parents. The -two letters arrived at the same time, and both bear the same -initials. (_Takes letters from pocket and again shakes his head._) -Well (_bracing up_), I made up my mind to come here and make a clean -breast of it to Helen, and I came an hour earlier, so I might learn -my fate as soon as possible. I wish I could see her without going to -the house. Ah! here she comes now, as I live! - - _Enter_ HEL., R. _Hurries to the churn and starts churning._ - -HEL. Oh, dear! I wish the butter would come. (_Churns vigorously._) -I won’t have time to dress before Percy gets here. The dear fellow. -I know he will surely come. - - (PERCY _brightens up and steps softly toward her_. HEL. _has - her back to him and has not seen him_.) - -PERCY. Ahem! - -HEL. (_stops churning and turns_). Oh! is it you, Mr. Heartache? - -PERCY. Yes, Miss Rodney. I came over a little early, because I have -something to say to you. It is of a rather serious nature, and has -been worrying me ever since I went to the post-office last night. -(_Walks to_ L.) - -HEL. (_aside_). Gracious! It can’t be that he is going to propose. -(_Walks toward_ PERCY.) What is it, Mr. Heartache? Perhaps I might -be able to advise you. - -PERCY (_brightening up_). I am sure you can, Helen—I mean Miss -Rodney. I surely am in a bad fix. But sit down here and I’ll tell -you all about it. - - (_They sit upon bench near_ C.) - -HEL. Go on and tell me. I am sure your troubles cannot be very -great. - -PERCY. Wait until you have heard. Helen—excuse me for calling you -Helen—— - -HEL. Certainly. To be even with you, I shall call you Percy. - -PERCY. I like that. But let me tell my story. Perhaps after you -have heard it you won’t want to ever see me again. - -HEL. Is it so serious as all that? - -PERCY. It surely is. Helen, a month or so ago I was foolish enough -to answer an advertisement in a matrimonial paper. I did it just -for the fun of the thing, you know. - -HEL. I did the same thing once. A bachelor, whose chief drawing -points were that he was bald-headed and had a fortune, advertised -that he wished to correspond with a charming country girl who was -matrimonially inclined, and I wrote to him. - -PERCY. Ah! is that so? - -HEL. Yes; but there was no harm in it, was there? - -PERCY. Certainly not. How many letters did you write to him? - -HEL. Only one. I did not answer the one I received in reply, for it -seemed as though he meant business, and what did I want of an old -bald-headed man, even if he was rich? - -PERCY. Of course you didn’t want him. But to be real serious, -Helen. The fix I am in at present is all through answering an -advertisement in a matrimonial paper. I wrote to the young lady -twice, and it seems that she took it altogether too seriously. The -fact is, Helen, that she is here, and she has invited me to call at -your father’s house this afternoon. - -HEL. (_rising excitedly_). What do you mean? - -PERCY. Just what I say. Haven’t you a young lady stopping here? - -HEL. Why—er—yes. But—— - -PERCY. Isn’t her name Hattie Renwick? - -HEL. (_completely amazed_). Yes, that is her name. - -PERCY. Read this note and you will understand it all. (_Hands her_ -HATTIE’S _note_.) I hope you will forgive me, Helen. I will never -do such a foolish thing again as long as I live. - -HEL. (_reading note aloud_). Well, I declare! If this isn’t a -remarkable coincidence. Why, she must have sent this to the -post-office with Bill when I sent mine yesterday. - -PERCY. I received the two invitations at the same time. Imagine my -surprise, and my feelings, too, when I read them. - -HEL. Well, I am not a bit jealous of her, Percy. I consider this a -great joke, indeed I do. - -PERCY. Oh, do you? You are not angry, then? - -HEL. Angry? No. But say, Percy, if you could only get some one to -come here and represent himself to be Percy Heartache, what a joke -it would be! Miss Renwick is an old maid, and the way she paints -her face is disgusting. Imagine her wanting to marry a handsome -young artist! Why, she is artist enough herself. - - (_Laughs lightly, and_ PERCY, _much relieved, joins in_.) - -PERCY. I wish I knew how to get out of this. Your suggestion is -a good one, but who could I get to represent himself to be me? I -suppose I might go back to the village and find some one, though. - -HEL. (_eagerly_). Do it, Percy. You can find somebody who would do -it just for the fun of it. I will tell mother about it. Here she -comes now. - - _Enter_ SUSAN, R. - -SUSAN. Why, Helen, have you given up the churning? Oh! you have a -visitor, I see. (_Smiles and approaches._) - -HEL. Yes, mother, let me introduce you to Mr. Heartache. He is the -young man I spoke to you about—the artist, you know. - -SUSAN. So he is the painter, eh? How do you do, Mr. Heartache? - -PERCY. Quite well, thank you. (_Bows, and then_ SUSAN _extends -hand_. PERCY _accepts it and they shake cordially_.) You have a -beautiful place here, Mrs. Rodney. High Up Farm is well named. -The land is very high and level here and the pure air is simply -delightful. The scenery is grand, too, and I mean to make some -sketches of it, if I receive permission to do so. - -SUSAN. You mean to paint pictures of the trees and such. - -PERCY. Yes, that is it. - -HEL. Mother, what do you think Hattie Renwick came to board with us -for? - -SUSAN (_surprised_). Why, I don’t know, unless it was to get away -from the city for a while and enjoy herself in the fresh country -air. What do you mean, Helen? - -HEL. Well, I’ll tell you, mother. She came here so she could -get acquainted with Mr. Heartache. It seems that he answered a -matrimonial advertisement she inserted in some paper, and when she -answered him he wrote again, giving his address at the village. She -discovered that our farm was right near the village, so she came -here. Percy—I mean Mr. Heartache—never saw Miss Renwick, and he -cares nothing for her, whatever. She had the audacity to—— - -SUSAN. Why, Helen, what do you mean? - -HEL. Listen, mother. Let me finish. She had the audacity to send -Mr. Heartache a note, inviting him here to-day. I invited him, too, -as you are aware. Now, he does not want to let the brazen old maid -know who he is, and we were just talking and trying to think of -some way to play a joke on her. - -SUSAN. Well, if that is why she came to High Up Farm I think she -ought to have a joke played on her. I have a notion to go right now -and tell her what I think of her. - -HEL. Don’t do it, mother. She is getting along in years, and she no -doubt wants to get a husband so badly that she can be excused. What -we want you to do is to help us in this. It will only be a little -harmless fun, and Percy will be spared the scene that would surely -follow if she met him, thinking he had come here for the purpose of -meeting her. Percy is going to the village and will try to get some -one to impersonate him. Of course it will not be a good-looking -young man he will get, either, and there is where the fun will come -in. Now, mother, do help us out, won’t you? - -SUSAN (_shaking her head, as though in doubt_). I don’t like this -kind of business, Helen. But since Mr. Heartache seems to be such a -nice young man, an’ he is a painter, besides, I’ll do as you want -me to. The idea of Miss Renwick comin’ here for the purpose of -tryin’ to catch a husband! - -HEL. Oh, mother, I am so glad. Now, then, if a man comes here and -is introduced as Mr. Percy Heartache, you will know what to do. - -SUSAN. Yes; I’ll call Miss Renwick right away. - - _Enter_ TROTWELL ROAMER, L. - -ROAM. Is this the High Up Farm? - -SUSAN. Yes; what do you want? - -ROAM. (_setting down paint pots and brushes_). I’m the painter. - -SUSAN (_looking at_ PERCY). The painter? - -ROAM. Yes, my boss sent me over here to paint a boat for Mr. Rodney. - - SUSAN } - } (_in unison_). Oh! - HEL. } - -PERCY (_smiling at the two_). I think this man might fill the bill. -Shall I ask him? - -HEL. (_eagerly_). Yes, ask him, Percy. I am sure he would be just -the one. He is a painter, too. Think of it! (_Laughs._) - -ROAM. Well, maybe I am an artist, then. Does that sound any better? - -HEL. Much better, sir. You’ll surely do. - -ROAM. Oh! I’ll paint the boat, all right. Where is she? - -HEL. In the house. But you don’t want to see her yet. Wait until -you understand what we want you to do. - - (SUSAN _goes to churn and begins churning_.) - -ROAM. (_looking at_ PERCY). What’s all this, anyhow? You ain’t -tryin’ to jolly me, are you? - -PERCY. Not a bit, my friend. See here! Do you want to earn five -dollars? - -ROAM. Do I? Don’t I look as though I did? Why, I’ve been trampin’ -for three weeks without findin’ a job. I hit the village over here -last night an’ happened to land with Styles, the boss painter. This -morning he found out that I was all right, so he sent me over here -to paint a boat. But I didn’t think the boat was in the house. -(_Looks at_ HEL.) - -HEL. The boat isn’t in the house. Percy, go on and tell him. - -PERCY. Mr. What’s-Your-Name—— - -ROAM. Trotwell Roamer is my name, boss. - -PERCY. Well, Mr. Trotwell Roamer, there is a young lady in the -house who is expecting a call from a young man she has never seen. -She is looking for a husband, and she will no doubt be dead struck -on you, if you take the part. - -ROAM. (_looking at his overalls and ragged coat and laughing_). -Well, I don’t know why she wouldn’t be, boss. But go ahead with -your game. Let me see the color of that five-spot first. Then I’ll -feel more like listenin’ to you. - -PERCY (_producing a five-dollar bill_). There you are. Now, then, -is it a go? - -ROAM. You bet it is. But say! there ain’t no danger of a breach of -promise suit in this, is there? - -PERCY (_laughing_). I hardly think so. Now, to be brief about it, -all you have got to do is to say that you are Percy Heartache, the -artist. You can say it to any one you meet, for that matter. But -the young lady—Hattie Renwick is her name—is the party the joke -is to be on. She has been corresponding with you, you know, and has -thrown out her net to catch you for a husband. Do you understand? - -ROAM. (_shaking his head_). Putty well, boss. I’m Percy Heartache, -the artist, an’ she’s tryin’ to nail me for a husband. Yes, that’s -all right. - -PERCY. Well, take this note, then. It will help you out, I think. - - (_Hands him_ HAT.’S _note_. ROAM. _reads it and nods - approvingly_.) - -ROAM. I guess I can fill the bill, boss. Leave it to me. I’ll bet -that young lady won’t want no artist for a husband after she’s -talked to me a while. I’ll settle her matrimonial aspirations, all -right. Give me that five-spot, an’ the thing will be done in fine -shape. - -PERCY (_handing him the five-dollar bill_). I am sure you’ll do it -right, Mr. Roamer. - -ROAM. (_strutting about_). Mr. Percy Heartache, please. There’s -my name, sir! (_Holds out envelope that is addressed to_ PERCY.) -I’m Percy Heartache, the artist, an’ here’s my paints an’ brushes. -Artist, eh? Well, I guess! - -SUSAN (_ceasing her churning_). Come, Helen, help me take the churn -in the kitchen. - -HEL. All right, mother. - - (_Smiles at_ PERCY _and exits_ R., _with her mother, carrying - churn_.) - -PERCY. Now, my friend, I’ll take a stroll around and leave you -here. The chances are that the young lady will soon appear. If she -does not, go and knock at the door and inquire for her. I will be -near at hand to see and hear the fun. If you carry it through right -I’ll give you another five. - -ROAM. Gee! You bet I’ll do it right, boss. Another five, eh? Why, I -certainly am in luck. [_Exit_ PERCY, C. - - _Enter_ BILL, _carrying empty pail and blowing on harmonica_. - -_Bill_. Hello! You’re ther man what’s come over to paint the boat, -ain’t yer? (_Looks at paint cans._) - -ROAM. (_haughtily_). I am Percy Heartache, the artist. - -BILL (_laughing loudly and wiping harmonica on sleeve and putting -in pocket_). You ain’t ther painter, then? - -ROAM. No, I am the artist. Can you tell me where I can find Miss -Hattie Renwick? - -BILL (_ignoring the question and pointing to paint cans_). Who does -ther paint an’ brushes belong to? - -ROAM. The painter, I suppose. He was here a little while ago. But -see here, you thick-head! Where is the young lady who wrote this -letter to me? - -BILL. Which one? There is two of ’em. So you’re ther artist, eh? -Well, I took two letters to ther post-office that was addressed -to Percy Heartache. I know I did, ’cause I kin read, an’ I read -’em over a dozen times. One was from Helen an’ ther other was from -Daisy. - -ROAM. Who is Daisy? - -BILL. Hattie Renwick is her right name. But I call her Daisy—or -Peach, ’cause she don’t like Daisy so well. I tell yer, Mr. -Artist! she’s a daisy an’ a peach, too. But I didn’t think no sech -scarecrow as you was the one she wrote to. - -ROAM. (_angrily_). What do you mean by calling me a scarecrow? Just -because I have my working clothes on have I got to be insulted? - -BILL (_stepping back in a frightened way_). Never mind, Mr. Artist. -Don’t hit me. I didn’t mean nothin’. If you want me to call Miss -Renwick I’ll do it for you. - -ROAM. All right. Do so. But don’t let any one else in the house -know that the artist is here. You fetch Miss Renwick out, an’ when -I get some change I’ll give you a quarter. - - (_Shows_ BILL _the five-dollar bill Percy gave him_.) - -BILL (_starting for house_). My! He’s got money, all right. But -blamed if I kin understand what Helen an’ Daisy wrote letters to -him for. Why, he looks like a regular tramp. - -ROAM. (_menacingly_). What’s that? - -BILL. Nothin’, Mr. Artist. I’ll have the peach out here in a jiffy. - - (_Exit_ BILL, R. ROAM. _sits on bench, crosses legs and - removes hat. Brushes hair with his hand._) - -ROAM. Well, this is funny business, an’ no mistake. What am I up -against, anyhow? But it’s all right. I’ve got one five-spot, an’ -there is another one comin’, if I do ther job right. You bet I’m -ther one who kin do it, too. I ought to be an actor, instead of a -tramp painter. (_Starts._) Hello! here comes the girl, I suppose. -That thick-headed boy has found her, all right. Now to paralyze -her. (_Enter_ BILL _and_ HAT., R. ROAM. _rises and bows_.) How are -you, sweetness? - -HAT. (_in dismay_). Who are you, sir? - -ROAM. Percy Heartache, the artist, at your service, my own love. - -BILL (_laughing uproariously_). That’s who he is, Peach. Ain’t he a -reg’lar dude? - -HAT. (_clasping her hands_). Well, I never! - -BILL. Neither did I, Peach. But here he is. You sent for him, he -says, so it ain’t none of my business. (_To_ ROAM., _sotto voce_.) -Don’t forgit that quarter when you git that bill changed. - -ROAM. (_striking an attitude_). Avaunt! Quit my sight, thou silly -buffoon! Leave me alone in the presence of my adored one. [_Exit_ -BILL, L. - -HAT. Oh, oh, oh! - -ROAM. (_dropping on knees before her_). Fear not, fair one. You -surely have not forgotten the words of love and devotion that have -passed between us in correspondence. Listen! I am not what I am! -Once I have cast aside my working clothes and appear in the costly -raiment that fits so well my youthful form you would not know me. -I am in disguise, my darling Hattie! Oh! come to my arms, my loved -one! Who would have dreamed that such bliss could exist upon this -mundane sphere? (_Rises._) - -HAT. (_stepping back and facing audience_). Can it be that he has -donned this disguise simply to try me? It must be. I will listen -to him, for he speaks as no other man has ever done to me. (_To_ -ROAM.) My dear Mr. Heartache, though I am somewhat surprised to -meet you in such attire, I will frankly say that I like your -manner of speech. You have undoubtedly disguised yourself as -a common laborer or tramp for the purpose of learning the true -depths of my affection for you. It is all right, Percy. Proceed -with your lovely words of conversation. I can see that you would -really be a handsome young man if you donned your proper attire -and—and—treated yourself to a bath. - -ROAM. (_aside_). Great Scott! This business ain’t working the way -I thought it would. The first thing I know I’ll be in a breach of -promise suit, sure. But maybe that would be a better suit than the -one I am now wearing, so I’ll see it through if I bust! - - _Enter_ LUC., _at_ L. _Sees_ HAT. _and_ ROAM., _and steps - back to watch and listen_. BILL _appears at_ C., _and does - the same_. - -HAT. (_smiling_). Sit down on the bench, Mr. Heartache. - -LUC. (_aside_). Mr. Heartache! Why, that must be the artist Helen -is infatuated with. Well, what is the girl thinking about? Why, -that fellow is nothing but a tramp. They say listeners never hear -any good of themselves, but I am going to hear this through, or -know the reason why. - -ROAM. (_sitting down_). Well, what do you want me to do now? - -HAT. Talk like you did a little while ago. - - (_Sits down beside him._) - -ROAM. An’ call you darlin’, an’ all that? - -HAT. Yes, please. - -BILL (_hardly able to restrain himself, going through all sorts of -motions_). If this ain’t a circus there never was one. - -ROAM. Well, darlin’, how have yer been since I saw you last? - -HAT. Since you saw me last? Why, you never saw me before. - -ROAM. I mean how have you been since you heard from me last? - -HAT. Oh, fine. - -ROAM. So have I. I am sorry I put on my working clothes, for I -would like to give you a good hug. - - (_Stretches out his arms as though to embrace her, but she - gets up and out of his way._) - -HAT. No such liberties yet, Percy. - -ROAM. Well, if I go back an’ put on my good clothes will it be all -right? - -HAT. It might. But don’t go yet. - -ROAM. (_looking at audience despairingly_). All right, my love. - -HAT. There! That sounds real nice. - -ROAM. What does? - -HAT. What you just said. - -ROAM. Does it, darling? - -HAT. Oh, my! I really wish you had not worn your working clothes, -Percy. - -ROAM. (_looking at his overalls and shaking his head_). Well, what -was I going to do? I can take these off, though. - - (_Jumps up and hurriedly takes off overalls and tosses them - alongside the paint cans near_ C. HAT. _backs half-way - to_ R. _during the operation, holding up her hands_. LUC. - _seems almost on the verge of fainting, while_ BILL _stuffs - a handkerchief in his mouth to keep from exploding_.) - -HAT. Oh! you look much better already, Percy. - -ROAM. Yes; I borrowed these trousers of my boss—I mean I loaned a -good pair of trousers to a man I have working for me. - -HAT. Oh! I see. - -ROAM. I’m a reg’lar dude when I’m fixed up, dear. Shall I give you -a good hug now? - -HAT. Not yet, please. But say! you must paint lovely pictures. - -ROAM. I do, dearest. - -HAT. I should like to have you paint me some time. - -ROAM. I’ll be pleased to. Who did the job for you to-day? - -HAT. (_sharply_). What is that, sir? - -ROAM. A bum artist did the job, I’m sure. Too much vermilion. - -HAT. What are you talking about? - -ROAM. I was thinking of a picture a rival of mine painted. I must -have expressed my thoughts aloud. - -HAT. Oh! is that it? - -ROAM. Yes, dearest. Now, if you’ll only name the happy day I’ll -hurry back to my hotel and get togged out a little. I can be back -in an hour. (_Rises._) Shall I leave word at the preacher’s and -tell him we’ll soon be there? - -HAT. What are you talking about? - -ROAM. Getting married. I’m ready right now. - -HAT. I shall have to know more about you before I think of taking -such a serious step as that. - -ROAM. Didn’t you advertise for a husband? - -HAT. Well, I—er—suppose I did. - -ROAM. (_striking an attitude_). Well, here he is. If you want me -for better or worse, just say the word. I’ll surely die, though, if -you say no. - - (_Edges toward_ C., _to take a hasty departure_.) - -HAT. (_divining his intention_). Hold on, Percy Heartache! You -cannot trifle with me this way. If you think you are having a joke -with me, I tell you plainly that you have gone too far. You have -proposed to me, and I shall hold you to it. My answer to your -proposal is that I must have a short time to think. - -ROAM. (_starting toward overalls and paint cans_). I guess I had -better get away from here. - -HAT. (_springing forward and catching with both hands_). You -proposed to me, and you shall not go until I have given my answer. - -ROAM. Let go, girl. This is only a joke. - -LUC. (_rushing toward him, brandishing parasol_). Joke, eh? Well, -I will appear as a witness against you. You are a rascal to trifle -with a poor girl like that. I heard all your conversation, sir. - -BILL (_appearing_). Me, too! Don’t marry that man, Peach. He ain’t -nothin’ more than a tramp. - - (ROAM. _succeeds in freeing himself, and runs off_ C., - _leaving paint cans and overalls behind_. LUC. _and_ BILL - _run after them_.) - - - QUICK CURTAIN - - - - - ACT III - - - SCENE.—_Lawn of the “High Up Farm.” Same as Act II, save - that the table is spread for “Tea.”_ - - _Enter_ PERCY. _Looks about searchingly._ - -PERCY. I am too late, I see. I guess, by the shouting, and the loud -talk I heard, something must have happened. They must have chased -the tramp. Well, I wonder how Miss Renwick liked the artist she -was so anxious to meet? I hope she won’t show up while I am here. -If she does it might be a little awkward. But I have it! I’ll let -Helen introduce me as Mr. Roamer, if she does come. I have as much -right to take the tramp’s name as he had to take mine. That will -be all right. I’ll speak to Helen about it right away. (_Looks at -paint cans and overalls._) I may as well put these things out of -sight. Perhaps Trotwell Roamer will come back and get them later. -(_Picks up paint cans and overalls and starts to_ C.) - - _Enter_ HIRAM _and_ HICKORY HOMESPUN, L. - -HIRAM. Well, Hick, if you make up your mind to take that cow you -can have her for forty dollars. She’s dirt cheap at that, an’ I -wouldn’t think of selling her if——Hello! (_Sees_ PERCY _standing -near_ C., _with paint cans and overalls in his hands_.) So you’ve -got here, have you? - -PERCY. Why—er—yes. You are Mr. Rodney, Helen’s father, are you not? - -HIRAM. That’s right. Have you seen her yet? - - (_Means the boat that is to be painted._) - -PERCY. Yes, sir, I have seen her. - -HIRAM (_thinking_ PERCY _is surely the painter sent over by Jim -Styles to paint the boat_). Well, what do you think of her? Are you -going to start in to-day? It seems a little late. But maybe you’ve -just brought over your paint, so you can start in the first thing -in the morning. - -PERCY (_looking at what he has in his hands, and very much -confused_). Why, I—er—— - -HIRAM. That’s all right. To-morrer mornin’ will do. I guess she -can wait till that time. But say, young feller, you must go easy -when you tip her over, ’cause her stays might break. They’re pretty -old, and I don’t want to put no more expense on her than I kin help. - -PERCY (_aside_). Heavens! What is the man driving at? He must be -crazy! To speak of his own daughter in this way! What does it mean? - - (_Backs toward_ R., _still holding cans and overalls_.) - -HIRAM. Where are you goin’? Come on over to the lake, and we’ll -look her over together. (_Turns to_ HICK.) You come, too, Hick. - -HICK. Certain I will, Hiram. - -PERCY (_much confused_). I—er—think there must be some mistake. - -HIRAM. Mistake, eh? Well, I guess not. You was sent for, wasn’t you? - -PERCY. Yes, but—— - -HIRAM. Maybe you don’t like the looks of her. - -PERCY. Oh, yes, I do, Mr. Rodney. She is the nicest—— - -HICK. (_laughing heartily_). He ain’t much of a judge, is he, Hiram? - -HIRAM. Well, I don’t know. He looks as though he ought to know -a good model from a bad one. But say. (_Nods to Percy._) If you -feel like it, and think it ain’t too late, you might start in to -scrapin’ the paint off her sides right now. You’ll find she’s -pretty well roughed up; but you can fix that all right. You’ll have -to go a bit careful when you come to the waist. She’s been layin’ -on one side so long that I s’pose the sun has done some damage. -Most likely she’s blistered a little. - -PERCY. Blistered! - -HICK. Blistered, of course. There ain’t nothing strange about that, -is there? - -HIRAM. Jim Styles told you it was to be white outside and yaller -inside, didn’t he? - -PERCY (_stepping back and turning to audience_). Ah! Now I know -there is a mistake. He does not refer to his daughter at all. -(_To_ HIRAM.) Pardon me, Mr. Rodney, but to whom or what are you -referring? - -HIRAM (_turning to_ HICK. _and showing surprise_). Well, what do -you think of that, Hick? - -HICK. Must be a born fool. - -HIRAM. He don’t know what he was sent over here for, it seems. - -HICK. Seems not. (_Nods head gravely._) He don’t look like a -painter, anyhow, Hiram. - -HIRAM. But he’s got everything with him to do the job. - -PERCY. I did not come here to do any work. These things (_setting -them down near_ C.) belong to another party. I just picked them -up to set them aside as you came here. I am not a painter, but an -artist. - -HICK. Well, I swan! - -HIRAM (_showing surprise_). So you didn’t come here to paint our -boat, then? - -PERCY (_much relieved_). I certainly did not, sir. - -HIRAM. What did you come here for? - -PERCY. I came at the invitation of your daughter Helen. - -HIRAM. Jumpin’ bullfrogs! What do you think of that, Hick? - -HICK. Sort of a misunderstandin’, it seems. (_He laughs._) He -thought you was speakin’ of Helen, and you was meanin’ the old boat -all the time. (_Laughs uproariously._) Oh, dear! What a joke. - -PERCY. Well, I am very sorry that such a mistake should be made. -But I can easily understand now. It is rather unfortunate, but no -harm has been done. - -HIRAM. Not as I knows of, young fellow. So Helen invited you to -come over, did she? - -PERCY. Yes, she did. - -HIRAM. Well, I reckon I had better call her out, then. (_Calls to_ -R.) Helen! Helen! - -HEL. (_unseen by audience_). What is it, father? - -HIRAM. You’re wanted here right away. - - _Enter_ HEL., R. PERCY _hurries to meet her_. - -PERCY (_sotto voce_). Introduce me as Mr. Roamer. The Peach might -come back and spoil things, you know. - -HEL. (_sotto voce_). All right, Percy, I understand. (_Then to_ -HIRAM.) Well, father? - -HIRAM. This young man came over to see you, he says. - -HEL. Yes, I know. Let me introduce you to him, father. (_Turns to_ -PERCY.) Mr. Roamer, this is my father. (PERCY _and_ HIRAM _shake -hands_. HEL. _to_ HICK.) Mr. Homespun, let me make you acquainted -with Mr. Roamer, the painter—(_becoming confused_) or artist, -which? (_Looks at_ PERCY.) - -PERCY (_laughingly_). Which, I guess. (_Shakes with_ HICK.) - -HICK. What do you think, Helen? Your father was talkin’ about -havin’ his boat scraped an’ painted, an’ this young man thought he -was meanin’ you all the time. Funny mistake, wasn’t it? (_Laughs -heartily._) - -HEL. I should say it was a funny mistake, Hick. How did it happen, -father? - -HIRAM. Well, I was expectin’ a painter to come over to paint -the boat white outside and yaller inside, an’ when I seen this -young man standin’ here with them things (_pointing to cans and -overalls_) in his hands, I thought he was the man. I didn’t know he -had come over on an invite from you. But (_looking at the table_) -what’s goin’ on, anyhow? What have you got the table set outside -for? - -HEL. Oh! we are going to have a little party. Mother thought it -would be a good idea to have some company over, so the new boarder -wouldn’t be lonesome. (_Turns to_ HICK.) The widow is here, too, -Hick. - -HICK. (_looking around in a startled way_). Where is she, Helen? - -HEL. (_laughing_). Around somewhere. We are going to have a very -nice time, I am sure. - -HICK. (_edging toward_ C.). I’m goin’ home. - -HIRAM (_catching him by the arm_). No, you don’t, Hick! You ain’t -afraid of the widder any more than I am. You are goin’ to stay -right here an’ have tea with us. Besides, I want to sell you that -cow before you go home. - -HICK. Well, I’ll take her, Hiram. - -HEL. (_laughing_). The widow, Hick? - -HICK. (_excitedly_). No! The cow, I mean. I’ll be over after her in -the mornin’. - - (_Tries to go again, but is restrained by_ HIRAM.) - -HIRAM. Now, see here, Hick Homespun. The trouble with you is that -you’re a lot too bashful. You know well enough that you ought to -have somebody around that nice little home of yours to cook your -meals an’ fetch your slippers for you nights when you come in after -doin’ a hard day’s work. There’s the Widder Wheatchaff for you, -Hick! She’s a fine little woman, an’ I happen to know that she -thinks a powerful lot of you, too. - -HICK. (_becoming interested_). How do you know that? - -HIRAM. Well, I reckon I’ve got eyes an’ ears. (_Slaps_ HICK, _on -the back_.) Come! brace up, old feller. You wasn’t born to die an -old bachelor. - - (PERCY _and_ HEL. _are conversing in whispers and getting - along nicely_.) - -HICK. (_meditating for a moment_). Well, I’ll take her. I’ll be -over after her in the mornin’. - -HIRAM. Good enough! I’ll tell her just as soon as she comes out. - -HICK. (_protestingly_). No, no! I mean the cow. - -HEL. Tell the cow, then, father. - - (_All laugh but_ HICK.) - - _Enter_ BILL, C., _mopping face with bandana_. - -BILL. Whew! If that wasn’t a run! I never had so much fun in my -life! Can’t that city gal run, though! Why, she went through the -corn-field like a two-year-old heifer on the rampage! That artist -wasn’t no match for her at all. But he might have got away if he -hadn’t stumbled an’ hit his head agin a pile of fence rails. She’s -got him! Lucinda is helpin’ her bring him back. There’s goin’ to be -a breach of promise suit. Wow! - - (_Does a tumbling act, or anything comical or ridiculous, - laughing uproariously._) - -HIRAM (_surprised and angered_). What in thunderation is the matter -with the boy? - -HICK. Acts as though he’s been took with a fit. - -HEL. (_taking_ HIRAM _by the sleeve_). I think I know what is the -matter, father. It seems that our boarder made an appointment -with some man she had never seen in her life, though she had -corresponded with him, of course. He proposed to her, and when he -found she was willing to consider it he changed his mind and tried -to get away. She gave pursuit, and Bill and Lucinda, who happened -to be here, helped her catch him. Miss Renwick is anxious to marry -some one, and after corresponding with the man she set her cap for -him before she had even seen him. Mother and I came out on the -porch in time to hear the last of it. Don’t interfere, father. -Let them bring the man here. I am sure you will laugh when you -understand what a joke it is. - -HIRAM (_looking at_ HICK.). Well, I swan! - -HICK. So do I, Hiram. - -BILL (_getting upon his feet_). Me, too! - -PERCY (_whispering in_ HIRAM’S _ear_). You understand, Mr. Rodney. - -HIRAM. Well, I’ll be gum-swizzled! If that don’t beat all. - -HICK. (_looking toward_ C.). Here they come now. (_Edges away._) I -guess I’ll be goin’. I’ll be over after her in the mornin’, Hiram. - -HIRAM (_catching him_). No, you won’t, Hick. You kin take her home -to-night. - -HICK. You’ll have to lend me a rope, then. - -HIRAM (_laughing_). Oh, you won’t need no rope—not for the widder. - -BILL. Might need one to hang himself with after he gits her. - - (_Laughs boisterously and executes funny business._) - -PERCY (_to_ HEL.). A sort of roping-in game, I think. - -HEL. It surely is. - - _Enter_ SUSAN, R. _Excited voices outside at_ C. - -SUSAN. What’s going on here? What does all this excitement mean, -anyhow? - -HEL. (_running to_ SUSAN). Mother, the joke is not over with yet. -It seems that Miss Renwick took it seriously, and she has caught -the tramp. She is fetching him here, and Lucinda is helping her. -Bill says it is a case of a breach of promise suit. - -SUSAN. Well, I never! That girl must be a fool. - -HEL. She wants a man, mother. - -SUSAN (_shaking her head_). Well, she must want one pretty bad, -then. - -HEL. Now remember, mother, Percy is supposed to be Mr. Roamer. - -SUSAN. And the tramp is supposed to be Mr. Heartache? - -HEL. Of course. He introduced himself that way, so it will remain -so until Miss Renwick gets enough of it. - - (HIRAM _and_ BILL _are holding_ HICK. _so he cannot escape_. - PERCY _looks on smilingly. Loud voices outside_, ROAM. - _calling out excitedly: “Stop! Stop! I want to get away from - here!”_) - -PERCY (_running to_ C.). What does this mean? - - _Enter_ HAT. _and_ LUC., C., _dragging_ ROAM. _with them_. - -LUC. The base deceiver! - -HAT. (_letting go of_ ROAM. _and wringing her hands excitedly_). -Oh! Oh! - -HIRAM. That must be the man Styles sent over to paint the boat. - -ROAM. (_eagerly_). I’m the man, boss. Just get me away from these -women and I’ll go right to work. - -LUC. (_letting go her hold upon_ ROAM., _and looking surprised_). -But he proposed to Miss Renwick, Hiram. - -ROAM. That was a joke. (_Looks at_ PERCY, _who shakes finger -warningly_.) I found a letter she had written to some one, and I -made out I was the man. I’m only a common tramp painter. She don’t -want me for a husband, unless she feels like earning the livin’. - -HAT. (_throwing up her hands and staggering about as though she is -going to fall_). Oh! I shall faint—I know I will. Somebody catch -me—quick! - -HICK. (_starting forward to catch her_). Don’t fall, miss. - -LUC. (_grabbing_ HICK. _by the collar and pulling him back_). Let -her fall, if she wants to. The first thing you know she will be -trying to make you propose to her. - -HICK. (_meekly_). All right, Lucinda. - -HAT. (_making another stagger about_). Oh! Oh! I know I shall faint. - - (_She falls and_ BILL _catches her and carries her to a bench_.) - -BILL (_soothingly_). That’s all right, Peach. I’ll marry you when I -git big enough. You don’t want no lazy tramp for a husband. - -HAT. (_rousing up and becoming indignant_). The idea! Who said I -wanted to marry any one? Why, I wouldn’t marry the best man living! - -LUC. (_to_ HICK., _whom she is still holding_). Good reason, maybe. -She couldn’t get you, Hick, and I think you are the best man living. - -HICK. (_grinning_). Do you mean that, Lucinda? - -LUC. I always say what I mean, Hick Homespun. - -HICK. Let’s go look at that cow. [_Exeunt_ HICK. _and_ LUC., L. - -BILL (_roaring with laughter_). She’s got him. Hick is a goner! - -HAT. (_to_ SUSAN). Mrs. Rodney, I think I will go to my room. - -SUSAN (_persuasively_). Don’t do that, Miss Renwick. If there has -been a joke played, take it good-naturedly. - -HAT. How can I? (_Looks around despairingly._) - -HEL. Let me introduce you to Mr. Roamer, Miss Renwick. - -HAT. (_bowing stiffly_). Pleased to meet him. - -BILL (_coming to_ SUSAN). Is supper ready yet, Missus Rodney? - -SUSAN. Not yet, Bill. - -BILL. S’pose we have a little dance, then? (_Produces harmonica and -clappers._) Take your partners for a quadrille, and look out for -paint! - - (_Strikes up a lively air—or if he cannot play, the - orchestra does it for him._) - - _Enter_ HICK. _and_ LUC., L. _Both are smiling and look happy._ - -HIRAM (_seizing_ SUSAN). Come on, old gal! We’ll have a little -square set right here on the lawn. - - (_They take heads for the set._ PERCY _and_ HEL. _take - positions opposite them, and then_ LUC. _pulls_ HICK. _over - and they take one of the sides._) - -ROAM. (_as_ PERCY _points to_ HAT.). I suppose we may as well make -up the set, Miss Renwick. - - (HAT. _permits herself to be led by him to the opposite - side. Then_ BILL _lets himself go and the dance begins_.) - -BILL. Salute your partners. - - (BILL _calls more figures and then_ ROAM. _breaks away - suddenly and runs off_ C. LUC. _holds tightly to_ HICK. - BILL _backs against table and overturns it. Crash!_) - - - CURTAIN - - - - - By the Author of “Mr. Bob” - - - THE NEW CRUSADE - - A Comedy in Two Acts - - _By Rachel Baker Gale_ - -Twelve females. Costumes, modern; scenery, two interiors. Plays one -hour and thirty minutes. A very amusing satire of the servant girl -question, brimful of telling incidents and effective lines. All the -parts are good and of nearly equal opportunity, and practically -play themselves. Well rehearsed, it is a sure success and goes with -a scream. Irish, negro and Swede character parts and a “tough” -girl. Strongly recommended for ladies’ clubs. Can be played only on -payment of a royalty of $5.00 to the author. - - _Price, 25 cents_ - - CHARACTERS - - MISS MORRIS, _nothing if not businesslike_. - MRS. COGSWELL-BROWN, _who believes in coöperative housekeeping_. - MRS. POTTER-HEWITT, _who looks small, but is not_. - MRS. RAYMOND, _who advocates_ “_The New Crusade_.” - MRS. ARCHIBALD TRACEY, _in search of a maid and experience_. - BRIDGETT MAHONEY, _in search of_ “_an ould gintleman_.” - MARY MACGUIRE, _who likes_ “_the theyatre in the winter toime_.” - AUGUSTA OLSEN, _who comes from_ “_Sveden for big monay_.” - CASSIE CLAY, _who never_ “_takes suggestions from anybody_.” - JENNIE BURCH, _who never_ “_has time for afternoon tea_.” - MATILDA JOHNSON, _who likes_ “_slaughtermobiles and a choffer_.” - MERRY, _the settlement girl—who’s always_ “_on de level_.” - - - COATS AND PETTICOATS - - A Comedy in One Act - - _By Rachel Baker Gale_ - -One male (played by a woman), seven females, and if desired, -sixteen girls for chorus. Costumes, modern; scene, an interior. -Plays forty-five minutes. A very lively and amusing piece -introducing fancy dresses, music and dancing. All the parts of -about equal opportunity. Irish comedy part and two capital “old -maids.” Very funny and not difficult. Complete with music for the -Suffragettes’ song and march and the Old Maids’ song and march. -Very strongly recommended. - - _Price, 25 cents_ - - - AN EASY MARK - - A Farce in One Act - - _By Innis Gardner Osborn_ - -Five males, two females. Costumes, modern; scene, an easy interior. -Plays thirty-five minutes. A side-splitting farce of college life -lively enough to suit the most exacting demands. Full of funny -incident and telling lines. Burlesque actor and “tough” young man -parts; the rest “straight” and all good. Recommended for schools. - - _Price, 15 cents._ - - - - - New Plays - - - ELMWOOD FOLKS - - A Drama in Three Acts - - _By Charles S. Bird - Author of “At the Junction,” etc._ - -Eight males, four females. Costumes, modern; scenery, two -interiors, one exterior. Plays a full evening. An easy and -very actable piece with an unusually even cast of characters. -Clean, wholesome and entertaining; can be recommended for school -performance. - - _Price, 25 cents_ - - CHARACTERS - - DAVID BAINBRIDGE, _editor of the Elmwood_ “_Item_.” - JAMES WENTWORTH, _an old compositor_. - SQUIRE ALFORD, _a hard man_. - DICK ALFORD, _his stepson, a young lawyer_. - WHITTIER JONES, _a contributor to the_ “_Item_.” - TOMMY GAY, _David’s apprentice_. - MR. PINCH, _an officer_. - A MESSENGER BOY. - MRS. BAINBRIDGE, _David’s wife_. - BESSIE BAINBRIDGE, _their daughter_. - DRUCILLA JONES, _Whittier’s aunt_. - MARY GAY, _Mrs. Bainbridge’s maid_. _Tommy’s sister._ - - SYNOPSIS - - ACT I.—Office of the Elmwood _Item_. - ACT II.—Lawn beside the Bainbridge home. - ACT III.—Parlor in the same. - - - HER UNCLE’S BOOTS - - A Farce in One Act - - _By Mrs. Myrtle Barber Carpenter_ - -Seven females. Costumes, modern; scene, an easy interior. Plays -thirty minutes. An easy and effective little play suitable for -Girls’ Schools or young people in amateur theatricals. Very funny, -but with a sympathetic thread of interest. Clean and bright. -Recommended. - - _Price, 15 cents_ - - - AN OUTSIDER - A College Play for Girls in One Act - _By Wilhemen Wilkes_ - -Seven females. Costumes, modern; scenery, an interior. Plays -thirty-five minutes. An unusually strong and sympathetic little -play for its length and pretensions, strongly recommended to -schools. The story turns upon a basket-ball match and is full of -interest. - - _Price, 15 cents_ - - - THE SISTERHOOD OF BRIDGET - - A Farce in Three Acts - - _By Robert Elwin Ford_ - -Seven males, six females. Costumes modern; scenery, easy interiors. -Plays two hours. An easy, effective and very humorous piece turning -upon the always interesting servant-girl question. A very unusual -number of comedy parts; all the parts good. Easy to get up and well -recommended. - - _Price, 25 cents_ - - CHARACTERS - - EDWARD MASON, _a wealthy stockbroker_. - LORD CURTON, _in search of a wife with money_. - WARD LEIGHTON, _lieutenant of the 176th Regiment_. - MIKE MCSHANE, _driver of a milk cart_. - JIMMY MACRAE, _page at Mr. Mason’s_. - MRS. MASON, _socialist and æsthete_. - ELEANOR MASON, _her daughter_. - BRIDGET, _the cook_. - JOSIE RILEY,} _housemaids_. - EMMA HONE, } - MARY MACRAE, _Jimmy’s sister_. - TIMOTHY ROUKE, _house painter_. - WILLIAM, _butler at Mr. Mason’s_. - - - THE ALL-AMERICA ELEVEN - - _By M. N. Beebe_ - -Twelve males. Costumes modern; scenery unnecessary. Plays fifteen -minutes. An up-to-date and popular entertainment for boys in one -scene, sure to please both the boys and the audience. Characters: -Football Boy, Baseball Boy, Tennis Boy, Office Boy, Messenger Boy, -Country Boy, Chinese Boy, Jewish Boy, Irish Boy, Indian Boy, Negro -Boy and Trainer. - - _Price, 15 cents_ - - - TAKING THE THIRD DEGREE - IN THE GRANGE - - _By A. C. Daniels_ - -Seventeen males. Costumes eccentric; scenery unnecessary. Plays ten -minutes. A burlesque initiation in one act, especially adapted for -a Grange entertainment. Very simple, very clean and wholly lacking -in horse-play and acrobatics. Well suited for its purpose. - - _Price, 15 cents_ - - - - - New Entertainments - - - OUR CHURCH FAIR - - A Farcical Entertainment in Two Acts - - _By Jessie A. Kelley_ - -Twelve females. Costumes modern; scenery unimportant. Plays an hour -and a quarter. A humorous picture of the planning of the annual -church fair by the ladies of the sewing circle. Full of local -hits and general human nature, and a sure laugh-producer in any -community. Can be recommended. - - _Price, 25 cents_ - - CHARACTERS - - MRS. ROBERTS, _who wants to be president_. - MRS. HENRY, _young, giddy, fond of novels_. - MRS. JACKSON, _the president of the society_. - MRS. BRETT, _on the dinner committee_. - MRS. LEWIS, _the minister’s wife_. - MRS. LAWSON, _plump_. - MRS. BROWN, _anxious to get new church attendants_. - MRS. ADDISON, _very inquisitive_. - MRS. RIDGELY, _sensitive_. - MRS. OTIS, _on the dinner committee_. - MRS. THOMPSON, _decidedly close_. - MRS. DREW, _just married_. - - - THE RIVAL CHOIRS - - An Entertainment in One Scene - - _By Sherman F. Johnson_ - -Seven males, four females. Costumes eccentric; scenery unimportant. -Plays one hour. A novelty in musical entertainments, introducing -the old choir and the new in competition. A novel setting for a -concert, offering an interesting contrast between the old music and -the new. Lots of incidental fun, character and human nature. Sure -to please. Originally produced in Meriden, Conn. - - _Price, 25 cents_ - - - A THIEF IN THE HOUSE - - A Comedy in One Act - - _By R. M. Robinson_ - -Six males, one playing a female character (colored). Costumes -modern scenery, an interior. Plays forty-five minutes. A -first-class play for male characters only, of strong dramatic -interest with plenty of comedy. A play that can be recommended, in -spite of its lack of female characters, to any audience. - - _Price, 25 cents_ - - - - - New Plays - - - THE TIME OF HIS LIFE - - A Comedy in Three Acts - - _By C. Leona Dalrymple_ - -Six males, three females. Costumes modern; scenery, two -interiors, or can be played in one. Plays two hours and a half. -A side-splitting piece, full of action and a sure success if -competently acted. Tom Carter’s little joke of impersonating the -colored butler has unexpected consequences that give him “the time -of his life.” Very highly recommended for High School performance. - - _Price, 25 cents_ - - CHARACTERS - - MR. BOB GREY. - MRS. BOB GREY. - TOM CARTER, _Mrs. Grey’s brother_. - MRS. PETER WYCOMBE, _a_ “_personage_.” - MR. PETER WYCOMBE, _a “pessimist” with a digestion_. - DOROTHY LANDON, _secretly engaged to Tom Carter_. - MR. JAMES LANDON, SR., _Dorothy’s father; of a peppery disposition_. - UNCLE TOM, _an old colored butler from the South_. - OFFICER HOGAN, _of the Twenty-Second Street Police Station_. - - - EETHER OR EYTHER - - A Farce in One Act - - _By Robert C. V. Meyers_ - -Four males, four females. Costumes modern; scene, an interior. -Plays thirty minutes. A clever parlor play, similar in idea to the -popular “Obstinate Family.” Sure to please. - - _Price, 15 cents_ - - - THE MORNING AFTER THE PLAY - - A Comedy in One Act - - _By Willis Steell_ - -Two males, three females. Costumes modern; scene, an interior. -Plays twenty minutes. An easy piece of strong dramatic interest, -originally produced in Vaudeville by Christy Clifford. Free to -amateurs; royalty required for professional performance. - - _Price, 15 cents_ - - - - - New Entertainments - - - TAKING THE CENSUS IN BINGVILLE - - An Entertainment in One Act - - _By Jessie A. Kelly_ - -Fourteen males, eight females. Costumes, modern; scenery, -unimportant. Plays an hour and a half. One of the always popular -go-as-you-please entertainments; just a lot of laughs strung on a -very slender wire of story. Full of eccentric character bits and -chances for local hits. A sure success for the laughter-loving. -Recommended for church societies or intimate communities. - - _Price, 25 cents_ - - CHARACTERS - - CENSUS TAKER. - ROSY GRADY, _an Irish maid_. - PATRICK MALONE, _a policeman who didn’t want to be examined_. - BILL WATT, _not so bright, but still gets ahead of them all_. - MR. HARDER, _chauffeur_. - MR. KNOTT, _aeronaut_. - MR. STONE, _farmer who has rheumatiz_. - MRS. JONES, _a much married woman_. - MR. SALOON, _a barber who is_ “_Henglish_.” - DR. DUNCAN. - MRS. TIBBETS, _who tries to be young_. - MR. SINGLE, _an editor_. - MR. JEPSON, _a grocer-postmaster_. - MRS. SAMPSON, _who has a large family_. - MR. MORE, _an undertaker_. - MRS. MURPHY, _who is proud of her name_. - MISS HARTLEY, _a teacher_. - MR. SHARP, _a lawyer who is looking for clients_. - TONY, _a fruit dealer_. - MR. ELWOOD, _a minister_. - MRS. STONE, _a farmer’s wife who is afraid she has hookworm_. - SUSIE GIBBS, _who is love-sick_. - - - THE DAY OF THE DUCHESS - - A Farce in One Act - - _By Alice C. Thompson_ - -Twelve females. Costumes, modern; scenery, an easy interior. Plays -thirty minutes. A clever and amusing little play for all girls, -particularly suited for schools because of its number of small -parts. Requires only three or four prominent people. Recommended. - - _Price, 15 cents_ - - - AN IRISH INVASION - - A Comedy in One Act - - _By Alice C. Thompson_ - -Eight females. Costumes, modern; scenery, an easy interior. Plays -thirty minutes. A very pretty and touching little play with plenty -of fun introducing refined Irish characters, old country and new. -A most original and effective idea, and sure to please. Nothing -coarse and rough about it; tone high and well suited for schools. - - _Price, 15 cents_ - - - - - =TRANSCRIBER’S NOTE= - - - Italic text is denoted by _underscores_. - - Bold text is denoted by =equal signs=. - - Obvious typographical errors and punctuation errors have been - corrected after careful comparison with other occurrences within - the text and consultation of external sources. - - Some hyphens in words have been silently removed, some added, - when a predominant preference was found in the original book. - - Archaic words have been retained. - -*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK LOOK OUT FOR PAINT *** - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions will -be renamed. - -Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright -law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, -so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the -United States without permission and without paying copyright -royalties. 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